ALL INVITATIONAL TEXT This file contains all text from the archives, which you can search. If your search fails and you think it's our error, kindly advise. The Empress has noted in the Style Conversational that "you can search for anything throughout [this] whole document and if your term is there, you’ll see it highlighted in color. There’s just one drawback to it: The file can take a long time to load on a computer. . . . [T]here’s an easy fix, at least if you’re using Chrome (don’t know how this works on other browsers, but I assume it’s similar). . . . If you right-click anywhere on [this] file, you can “Save as …” a text file that’s downloaded to your computer. Because it doesn’t have to keep “talking” to the Internet, the loading and search will work much faster, either as a plain-text file (in Notepad) or as a document in Word. ====================================================================== WEEK 1, published March 7, 1993 Week 1: SHEDDING THE SKINS? Now that change is coming anyway to the Redskins, dare we at last consider The Big Question? Should the team change its name? There are two valid sides to this issue. Side One: Tradition. The name is venerable. If you change it, much plastic and polyester merchandise instantly would become obsolete. Side Two: Race libel. The name is brutishly demeaning to an ethnic group that has been indiscriminately plundered for centuries. It defines a proud and accomplished people by the single characteristic of the pigmentation of their skin. Being typical pandering journalists, we take no position ourselves. We merely suspect the Redskin name is doomed, and when that occurs, we wish to be ready with an alternative. So give us one. Come up with a new name for the team. Entries will be judged on humor, originality, and appopriateness to Washington. Here are two examples: The Washington Rotundas. The Washington GS-11. Get the idea? Send your entries by letter or postcard to The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Entries must be postmarked on or before Thursday, March 11. Include your phone number. The first-prize winner gets an elegant Timex "Ironman Triathlon" digital watch, valued at $39. Winners and runners-up will be announced in two weeks. Washington Post employees and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. No purchase necessary. ====================================================================== WEEK 2, published March 14, 1993 WEEK 2 Lately, there has been a bit of a stink over the state motto of Maryland: "Fatti Maschii. Parole Femine." We could not understand what all the fuss was about, unless possibly it was insensitive to overweight individuals or incarcerated women. Then someone pointed out that this was in Latin, and translated it for us. "Manly Deeds, Womanly Words." What is that supposed to mean? Is it as condescending as it sounds? Is it just stupid? Clearly, Maryland needs a new motto, a multi-purpose slogan suitable for placement on a state seal or a license plate. Something grand, something that embodies the full bodacious majesty of the state. Something like . . . Let's see. We'll come up with an idea any minute now. Hang on, we need to consult an Almanac or something. Okay, here we go: "Maryland: Where John Wilkes Booth got his broken leg splinted" No, wait, how about: "Maryland: A Proud Part of the I-95 Corridor" "Maryland: The Keno State" "Maryland: Not at All Ashamed of Our Governor" "Maryland: Its Second-Largest City Is Rockville" or, for a faux Latin motto: Fatti Governor, Parole Ex-Governors Or, Forti Tamperi ("Power Corrupts") You can do better than these, right? Mail your slogans by letter or postcard to "The Style Invitational, Week 2", The Washington Post, 1150 15th Street NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Include your phone number. Winners will be announced in two weeks. Entries will be judged on humor and originality. The first-prize winner will get a huge, tasteless Maryland crab-motif cheezy souvenir ("Maryland: America's Second-Largest Producer of Vulgar Crustacean-Based Ornamental Objects"), an approximate $50 value. Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirt. Entries must arrive on or before Friday, March 19. Next Week: The results of Style Invitational, Week 1. A boffo new name for the Redskins. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. No purchase necessary. ====================================================================== WEEK 3, published March 21, 1993 Week 3: A Statue of Limitations Washington has statues out the wazoo. Some are of presidents, some are of military leaders, some are of obscure pathetic has-beens. The idea here is to come up with a concept for a statue of someone -- anyone, dead or alive -- who doesn't currently have one. You don't have to draw it, you just need to describe it: You may include details of the pose, but you must include an inscription or quotation for the pedestal. Just about anyone will do: Nixon, Haldeman, Kornheiser, Riggins, Ling-Ling, The Energizer Bunny, you know. Anyone. First-prize winner will get a framed original drawing of his concept, signed and inscribed by famed "Style Invitational" cartoonist by Marc Rosenthal (a $45,000 value once "The Style Invitational" catapults Mr. Rosenthal to the fawning international fame he deserves). Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" Loser's T-shirt. As always, entries will be judged on humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 3, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received by Monday, March 29. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Week 1 Results: A New Name for the Redskins Let us first note that the single best new name we received, a name so hip and clever that it should be the new name for the Redskins, is "The Washington Clout," submitted by Hank Wallace of Washington. Let us also note that Mr. Wallace did not win our contest. He does not get the elegant Timex Triathlon digital watch, nor does he get the coveted runner-up "Loser" T-shirt. He gets squat. Sorry, Hank. We wanted "funny," and you gave us "good." We trust you will not make that mistake again. This contest is satire. Good is not good enough. Most hackneyed entries: The Washington Monuments, followed closely by the Gridlocks, the Cookies (get it?), the Red Inks, the Red Tapes, the Pigskins and the PAC-men. Roughly a quarter of the 346 entries came up with one of these gems. Now here's an original idea: Keep the name Redskins, but change the logo from an Indian to a potato! You were proud of that concept, all 23 of you who thought of it. Best proposal to keep the "Skins" nickname: The Washington Rumpelstiltskins, by Edwin J.Hughes, Laurel. Classiest entry: "The Washington L'Enfant Terribles," by Bonnie Tyler, of Washington. Best Idea requiring elaborate explanation: "The Washington (your name here)." The name would change yearly, depending on which ego-diseased free agent the team is courting. This year, it would be "The Washington Reggies." John P. Gudas, Annapolis. AND NOW, THE WINNERS: Fifth Runner-Up: "The Washington Homicide Capitols," by Karin Schmerler, Washington. Fourth Runner-Up: "The Washington Embittered Food-Service Workers," by Bradley Fisher, Rockville. Third Runners-Up: "The Washington Senior Officials" and "The Washington Kickbacks," Dan Creel, Rockville. Second Runner-Up: "The Washington Unindicted Co-Conspirators," by Charles Dean Layman, Silver Spring. First Runner-Up: "The Washington Irvings," by E. Stanley Murphy, Charlottesville. AND THE WINNER OF THE WATCH: "The Baltimore Redskins" (No, don't move the team, just change the name. Let Baltimore worry about it). Douglas R. Miller, Arlington. ====================================================================== WEEK 4, published March 28, 1993 Week 4. This week, a gripe-fest about modernity and other irritations. Complete this sentence: "If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we ... " 1. Get him to leave the seat down. 2. Prevent unwanted ear-hair growth. 3. Put a woman on the moon. 4. Brown a chicken in a microwave. Got it? Entries will be judged, as always, on humor and originality. First-prize winner will get a toaster, a neat old one that looks like it came from Alice Kramden's kitchen (a value of about $60). Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirt just as soon as we finish designing them. Send your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 4, The Washington Post, 1150 15th Street NW, Washington D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received by Monday, April 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in two weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 2: A New Motto for Maryland. Here we were at the famed Style Invitational executive treehouse, fussing and fretting because your entries for a new Maryland state motto were so smart there seemed to be no pathetic boneheads out there to make fun of this week. But then, just as we were about to go to press without a trace of the infantile, snide attitude you have come to demand of us, the Maryland General Assembly came through big time. They decided to confront the embarrassing issue of Maryland's chauvinistic state motto (Fatti Maschii, Parole Femine -- Manly Deeds, Womanly Words) not by rewriting it, as we asked you to do, but by re-translating it. (Strong Deeds, Gentle Words.) This is like finding a cure for cancer by changing its name to "mumps." Imagine the possibilities for this kind of bold civic activism: Good news, folks -- there are no more homeless people in America! From now on, they shall be called "Residents of the Asphalt Motel." You showed no such timidity. Your 400-plus submissions fairly throbbed with cynicism. Boy are you guys mean-spirited. You made us so proud, we wept bile. Without further ado, we present the winners. And to the courageous legislators in Annapolis, we offer this cheerful Latin salute: Ars Infantus, Ars Bandeus ("Run These Babies Up Your Flagpole"). Fifth Runner-Up: Maryland: Home of Its Residents. (Teal Ferguson, Bethesda) Fourth Runner-Up: You Have a Problem in Maryland. (Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village, Md.) Third Runner-Up: Maryland: We've Got Wonder Woman in Here. (Brendan J. Murray, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: In Hoc Quid Mihi (What's in It for Me?) (Jon Katz, Rockville) First Runner-Up: Maryland: Please Pardon the Inconvenience. (Catherine Barrier, Annapolis) And Winner of the Crustacean-Motif Souvenir Monstrosity: Maryland: Wait, We Can Explain ... (Oslo, Alexandria) And Honorable Mentions: Maryland: Birthplace of Garry Moore, Hans Conried, Mona Freeman and Arnold Schwarzenegger's Father-in-Law. (Beverly A. Barth, Edmonston, Md.) Maryland: Phonically Incorrect. Stephanie Weldon, Silver Spring. Maryland: Some of Our Road Signs Do Not Feature Our Governor's Name. Also, Maryland: Home of the Most Baffling Interstate Sign: "North East Next Right." N. Peter Whitehead, Alexandria. Maryland: It Looks Better in the Dark. Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village. Maryland: Wider Than It Is Tall. Also, Where the Motto Comes First: Maryland. Oslo, Alexandria. Maryland: Where the Magnificent Chesapeake Trickles Down to a Stinking Mud Flat. Ian Ories, Arlington. Viri Maschii Feminae Femine (Manly Men, Womanly Women.) Nick Dierman, Potomac. Maryland: YOU Figure It Out. Also, Maryland: Our Rest Stops Feature the Latest in Video Game Technology Christine Eames, Fairfax. Maryland: Where the Area Code Is Always 301, Unless It's 410. Carol Rodowskas, Silver Spring. Maryland: Never Been There. Deborah Houy, Boulder, Colo. Next week: A new monument for Washington. ====================================================================== WEEK 5, published April 4, 1993 Week 5: There Ought to Be a Law ... 1. The Lott-Akaka Sewage Treatment Act 2. The Lugar-Kildee-Mann Gun Control Law 3. The Tanner-Hyde Spousal Abuse Amendment 4. The Rose-Royce-Carr Automobile Lemon Law This week's contest: Invent a creative piece of legislation based on skillfully juxtaposed names of actual U.S. senators and representatives. (The names are on a list at the bottom of this page.) As befits the dignity of the subject matter, the first-prize winner will receive an elegant assortment of practical-joke devices, including but not limited to 1 (one) whoopee cushion and 1 (one) squirting lapel flower, as well as other novelty prank items too revolting to be enumerated here. Runners-up will receive the coveted Style Invitational loser's T-shirt. As always, entries will be judged on humor and originality. Fax them to 202-334-4312, or mail them to The Style Invitational, Week 5, The Washington Post, 1150 15th Street NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Include your address and phone number. Entries must be received by Monday, April 12. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 3, in which you were asked to come up with a new monument for Washington. Ahem. The Style Invitational is not a whetstone for political axes. Typical losing entry: "Okay, so it's a statue of Nixon, looking really smug. Around his feet are DEAD and DISMEMBERED Cambodian BABIES, with ... " Nonono. We value funny. Funny and clever. Like the Tomb Of The Unknown Uncle, submitted by Bob Zane of Woodbridge. It depicts a congenial man, extending a hand. Inscription: "Pull my finger." This would have been a runner-up, except Bob also won first prize (see below), and we need to maintain not only the pretense of evenhandedness, but the illusion of abundance. Why, we have so many brilliant entries, we can discard the best of them willy-nilly! So, sorry. No T-shirt for Bob. And now, the winners: Fourth Runner-Up: The Foreign Head of State Statue: The body stays the same. You change the head with each new head of state visiting town. (John Re, Springfield, and Mischeline Toussant, Takoma Park) Third Runner-Up: A Man Without a Face, at a desk, speaking furtively into the telephone. Inscription: "The Anonymous Source at Work." (Art Brodsky, Olney) Second Runner-Up: The Marion Barry Statue. His trousers lower every minute, then snap back up. Modifying an old Barry political slogan, the inscription reads: "Up With Hope, Down With Dope My Pants." (Bradley Fisher, Rockville) First Runner-Up: A Sign, to be hung on the real Al Gore: "Not a Statue. Don't Paint." (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston) And Winner of the signed and framed Style Invitational cartoon: The Dan Quayle Statue. Inscription: "Goodbye? WHERE IS EVERYBODY GOING?" (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) The honorable mentions: The Andy Warhol Statue, a six-cubic-yard block of silly putty to be molded into the visage of the person whose news coverage the previous week exceeded the Warhol Index by the greatest magnitude. The inscription is whatever is in the boldest print on the first piece of trash removed from the closest garbage can. (Bruce Fraser, Rockville) The J. Edgar Hoover Statue, in a low-cut red dress. Inscription: "I have the goods on you." (William T. Smith, Vienna) The Roman Hruska Statue, inscribed with a real quote from the former senator: "Even if [the nominee] is mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren't they?" (Lenore C. Garon, Falls Church) The Oliver North Statue. Inscription: Simper Fi. (Sylvia Phillips, Ashburn, Va.) The Pork Barrel Statue. A barrel, and a pig. Inscription: "B-dee b-dee b-dee, that's not all, folks." (David Templeton, Oakton) The Pierre L'Enfant Statue: It would rotate in a counterclockwise direction, while its head rotated 85 degrees in a clockwise direction, snapping back to face forward again every few seconds. For the most part it will be engaged in spinning to its left while it incessantly looks over its right shoulder. Inscription: "Round and round we go ... " It must be placed on a triangular city block where no one can find it. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) The Hermann Rorschach Statue. Inscription: "What does this remind you of?" (Sigh. Bob Zane, Woodbridge) And last: The Richard Nixon Statue, to be placed in front of the Watergate Hotel, beckoning travelers. Inscription: "We'll leave the light on." (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston) ====================================================================== WEEK 6, published April 11, 1993 Week 6: Putting Words in Their Mouths This week's contest: In 40 words or less, write a caption for either of these two generic cartoons drawn by famed Style Invitational artist Marc Rosenthal, just back from his triumphant two-man show in New York with Henri Matisse. Examples: Picture A: 1. It was an embarrassing situation all around. Leonard had wished for his his wife "to become an animal in bed," but the Genie of the Box had somehow, tragically, misunderstood. 2. Only after long stares had been exchanged, after eyes had been locked onto, after gazes had burned in, did the box realize it could no longer trust either the dog or the man. Picture B: 1. "That Wayne, he always had to be different, and it drove Murray crazy. How many times did he have to tell him? 'Siamese twins joined at the buttocks always wear the same number of boxes on their heads.' " 2. Marvin was furious. The haberdasher had assured him the hat was "unique." First-prize winner will receive a huge genuine two-carat cruddy diamond, a value of nearly $50. Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirt and a festive box of Peeps. As always, winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 6, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received by Monday, April 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in two weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week Four, in which we asked you to complete this sentence: "If We Can Put a Man on the Moon, Why Can't We ... " First, a little experiment. Stick your index finger in your mouth (or, if you prefer, someone else's mouth). Now place your finger on this big black heart here: <, which symbolizes our goodwill toward you. Now rub your finger in widening circles on the page. Now look at your finger. Hahahaha. What a dope you are. Don't you know that newspaper ink rubs off like a bad habit? Dozens of you came up with this as your biggest gripe. Rest assured, we'll get right on it, just as soon as the troubled newspaper industry coughs up a billion dollars for research, and Gumby-shaped life forms are discovered on Io, the fifth moon of Jupiter. Secondly, we wish to report that there seems to be a teensy bit of anti-male hostility out there, judging from the identical entries from more than 100 different women, saying, "If we can send a man to the moon, why can't we SEND THEM ALL THERE?" The answer: Because then who would judge the Style Invitational? Girls???? Ahem. The winners: Fifth Runner-Up: " ... Pass on first down?" (Charles E. Brunswick, Springfield) Fourth Runner-Up: " ... Find a cure for posterior cleavage?" (Robert Zane, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: " ... Figure out how to walk a cat?" (Stuart Segal, Vienna) Second Runner-Up: " ... Offer sea monkeys as a low-fat alternative to chicken?" (Rich Stone, Washington) First Runner-Up: " ... Put an end to the tragic heartbreak of involuntary 'nose whistle'?" (Felix McBundy, Silver Spring) And the Winner of the vintage toaster: " ... Remember why we did it?" (Geri, Tom and Heidi Klitsch, Wheaton) Honorable Mentions: " ... Colonize the sun?" (Chuck Rainville, Baltimore) " ... Make a traffic light that lets you go when it knows there's no reasonble expectation that a vehicle will come from the other direction in your grandmother's lifetime?" (Phil Clutts, Silver Spring) " ... Put toilets in cars?" (Gynny Katon, Rockville) " ... Just collect the rocks on Earth?" (Papan Devani, Arlington) " ... Have driver's licenses that renew themselves?" (Frances C. McCormick, Bartlett, Ohio) " ... Unwrap CDs without needing an engineering degree?" (Bonita Boyle Cote, Gaithersburg) " ... Design a toilet and shower that can live in harmony?" (Daniel J. Berkowitz, Washington) And last: " ... Rise above griping for toasters?" (Christine Worthen Eames, Fairfax) Next Week: There Oughta Be A Law. ====================================================================== WEEK 7, published April 18, 1993 Week 7: Beat the Bands "My Dad Is Dead" "Jason's Gay Haircut" "Men Without Underwear" "Half Man Half Biscuit" "Trotsky Ice Pick" This week's contest: Once, rock band names were wholesome if dippy ("Vinnie Delpupo and the Del-Tonics"). Then they became self-consciously cute ("The Raspberry Pillow"). Finally, a few years ago, they began getting intriguingly bizarre. Seditious. Obnoxious. Idiotic, yet somehow strangely ... idiotic. Every name above belongs to a real band. But you can come up with better ones, can't you? Go ahead, weird us out. First-prize winner will receive a selection of really obscure tapes by real groups with infantile names, a value of nearly $50. Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirt. As always, winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 7, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 5, in which you were invited to come up with funny federal legislation based on the real names of congresspersons. We at the Style Invitational are nothing if not arrogant. For example, we are outraged that Columbia University snubbed us this week by not awarding us the Pulitzer Prize for Public Service. Still, we must admit to being uncharacteristically humbled by your 3,400 entries to this contest. They were so clever we had to create two sets of winners and runners-up, distributed over two weeks. This is Week One. Good Ideas, But Too Bad Everyone Else Had Them, Too: Dunn-Deal, Carr-Bumpers, Mink-Coats, Penny-Wise, Sharp-Payne, Unsoeld-Wheat, Robb-Rockefeller, Wise-King-Solomon, and Hamburg-Hoekstra-Pickle. And now, the winners: Fifth Runner-Up: The Green-Cardin-Spector Illegal Aliens Act (Rick von Behren, Glenn Dale) Fourth Runner-Up: The Watt-D'Amato-McHugh Voter Apathy Act (Stuart A. Segal, Vienna) Third Runner-Up: The Boren-Gordon-Lightfoot-Crapo Easy Listening Abolition Act. (Ed VanderPloeg and Bob Vietrogoski, Centreville) Second Runner-Up: The Sawyer-Bumpers Ban on Public Breast Feeding (Clarence Coo, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: The Traficant-DeLay-Akaka Roadside Port-A-Pot Act (Carole and Stephanie Dix, Gaithersburg) And the Winner of the Whoopie Cushion and Other Revolting Novelty Items: The Watt-Eshoo-Dunn-Furse-Leahy Pork Barrel Protection Act (Carol Vance, Washington) And Honorable Mentions: The Exon-Dunn-Kildee-Byrd-Fish Environmental Impact Study (Wernher Baussus, Reston) The Paxon-Wallop Alcohol Content Standards Act (Jennifer Mazarr, Arlington) The Murtha-Washington Memorial Resolution to Establish Official Presidential Spousal Duties (Ellen Nestos, Alexandria) The Wise-Buyer-Rangel-Olver-Price Free Trade Agreement (Tom and Debbie Shatten, Pittsburgh, Pa.) The Brown-Snowe Pooper-Scooper Law (Steven Rettinger, Potomac) The Pickle-Dorgan Transplant Regulatory Act (Carol Vance, Washington) The Robb-Petri Vintage TV Act and the Kohl-Swett Blind Date Regulatory Act (Robin Rogoff Star, Rockville) The Doolittle-Dickey-Duncan Sex Education Act (Mary Edwards, Dale City) The Eshoo-Blute Anti-Conspiracy Law (Joan Bobchek, Fredericksburg) The Deal-Meehan Congressional Reform Act (Paul Elstein, Columbia) The Young-Studds-Moseley-Braun Anabolic Steroids Decriminalization Act (Tom and Debbie Shatten, Pittsburgh, Pa.) The Robb-Regula-Mann Tax Reform Amendment (Jacki Drucker, Arlington) And last, The Grassley-Knollenberg Presidential Assassination Conspiracy Prevention Act (Harold Mantle, Darnestown) NEXT WEEK: Part II ====================================================================== WEEK 8, published April 25, 1993 WEEK 8: I Am Spurious (Yellow) RUSSIAN SPACE PROBE DISCOVERS HEAVEN! HUBBY'S BAD BREATH KILLS HIS WIFE! HITLER WAS A WOMAN! GALS! SNEEZING MAKES YOUR BREASTS BIGGER! MAN SAWS OFF ARM TO GET HANDICAPPED PARKING STICKER! GAY CHIMP FALLS IN LOVE WITH CIRCUS MIDGET! All the headlines above actually appeared in the Weekly World News, a supermarket tabloid that traffics in eye-popping tales of extraterrestrials, life after death, miracle cures, Elvis sightings and highly improbable human drama. The Weekly World News has so trampled traditional standards of fair and responsible journalism, so abandoned even the pretense of objectivity and truth-telling, that it has earned the distinction of being America's Crappiest Newspaper. Needless to say, we at the Style Invitational find it a total delight. THIS WEEK's CONTEST Write a headline for the Weekly World News (Maximum length, 10 words) First-prize winner will get an article written about him in the Weekly World News (Editor Eddie Clontz has agreed to do this), a selection of handsome Weekly World News T-shirts, plus all of the national shame and ridicule occasioned by that notoriety. Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirts. As always, winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 8, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 5 (Part II)... In which we challenged you to come up with funny legislation based on the real names of congressmen. But first, a personal word to the winners and runners-up of our previous contests, the men and women whose creative genius has delighted millions of readers and fueled the dubious engine of this cheesy contest, but who have been sending us polite letters wondering where their prizes are: Get a life, you whiny little precocious over-achieving smart-ass nerds. Your prizes aren't ready yet. And Now, This Week's Winners: Fifth Runner-Up: The Fowler-Fish White Wine Distribution Act (Robin Rogoff Star, Rockville) Fourth Runner-Up: The Long-Boren-Stump Campaign Limitation Act (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Third Runner-Up: The Regula-Crapo Prune Subsidy Bill (Ira P. Robins, Bethesda) Second Runner-Up: The Hamburg-Shelby-Dunn Meat Cooking Act (Robert Lennartz, Charlottsville) First Runner-Up: The Kilder-Wise-Byrd Act, a repeal of the Spotted Owl Endangerment Law (Patricia Dollar and Ira Rutberg, McLean) AND THE WINNER OF THE WHOOPIE CUSHION AND OTHER REVOLTING NOVELTY ITEMS: The Cantwell-English-Read Dyslexia Research Funding Bill (Jacki Drucker, Arlington) And Honorable Mentions: The Watt-Eshoo-Inouye Sex-Change Regulatory Act (Carol Vance, Washington) The Ewing-Watt-Armey Verbal Taunting Ban (Jennifer Mazarr, Arlington) The Condit-Wheat Parent and Child Restroom Act (Rubin Rogoff Star, Rockville) The Wyden-Dorgan Penile Implant Safety Act (Lauren Scott, Washington) The Leach-Mica-Deal Monty Hall Commemorative Stamp Act (Steve Aaronson, Arlington) The Klecza-Gejdenson-Ros-Lehtinen-Hockbrueckner-Falcomavaega Simplified Internal Revenue Code ("Dee Dee," Silver Spring) The Mazzoli-Waters Oil Spill Control Bill (Leon Slavin, Laytonsville) The Meek-Young-Mann-Holden-Dickey-Harman-Nunn Exhibitionist Freedom of Expression Act (Mark Pitre, Rockville) The Robb-Peterson-Payne-Pell Income Redistribution Act (Gar Enders, Arlington) The Crane-Fawell-Olver Construction Safety Act (Darren Mitchell, Mount Ranier) The Watt-D'Amato-Whitten-Johnson Anti-Impotency Law (Matt Dickert, Reston) And last, The Bradley-Jefferson Bill to Erect a Living Memorial for Oustanding U.S. Citizens (Bradley Jefferson, Centreville) NEXT WEEK: PUTTING WORDS IN THEIR MOUTHS. ====================================================================== WEEK 9, published May 2, 1993 Week 9: Vanity Unfair TKTKTKTK: Mike Wallace Uh O: Oriole Team Bus *: Roger Maris B MBO: Vanna White I 8 NY: Godzilla NITE NITE: Jack Kevorkian This Week's Contest: Create vanity license plates for famous people. Maximum number of characters is eight, with spaces counting as one character. You are limited to letters, numbers and common symbols found on a typewriter keyboard. First-prize winner will receive several irresponsible how-to books published by Loompanics, Unlimited, including "The Complete Book of Razor Fighting," "Successful Armed Robbery," "Home Workshop Explosives," and "Physical Interrogation Techniques," a value of about $50. Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirt. As always, winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 9, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received by Monday, May 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 6 ... In which we asked you to supply captions to these two cartoons. But first, a few words about excellence. Although we received more than 500 entries to this contest, and have selected only 15 of them as winners, you will note that several people are represented more than once, including the highly mysterious "Oslo of Alexandria," the first-prize winner of Week 2 who darn near won again this week. You may reasonably wonder: Is this fair? Answer: Of course it is fair. The Style Invitational is the nation's last remaining pure meritocracy. The best is chosen, without regard to previous history, demographics, national origin, sexual orientation, dental anomalies, annoying personal habits, or cash inducements you may have included with your letters. In fact, our judging is done completely blindfolded, so we cannot see your name, or your address, or your entry. We hope this clears matters up. Thank you. Fifth Runner-up: (Cartoon B) Pythagoras was training Rover to guard his lunch box when something occurred to him. (Ken Schwartz, Burke) Fourth Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) "You scatter the ashes ... I get the bones." (Melinda Blachfield, Damascus) Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) "Okay, kid. They're all warmed up." (Oslo, Alexandria.) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) "Did you see that idiot back there carrying his packages in a shopping cart?" (Elliot Greene, Silver Spring) First Runner Up: (Cartoon B) Identical twins separated at birth often lead identical lives without knowing it; tomorrow, on Geraldo. (Steven Schupak, Chevy Chase) And the winner of the Big, Ugly Diamond:(Cartoon A) Near starvation, the Giant Rat of Sumatra and the lawyer begin to eye the cajun cheese ... and each other. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable mentions: Cartoon A: It was bad enough that his master had him neutered, Sparky felt, but to keep his cojones in a box on the kitchen table as a constant reminder of the man's power over him was just too much. (Charles Layman, Silver Spring) Marge Schott's dog could not relax until the will was read. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) In a split second -- before Bowser and Henry even had time to blink -- that annoying bug shot out of its box, flew into Bowser's eye, careened off Henry's eye, then safely made it back, locking the lid from the inside. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) Each plotted to have the Maltese Brick all to himself. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What do you do with a giant Folger's crystal? (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Cartoon B "How was I to know," said Zeke to his paramour Francis, "that when we made our lover's suicide pact, we'd end up in Hell, spending eternity doing old Carmen Miranda routines and slam dancing?" (Charles Layman, Silver Spring) Stephen and William had never really got the hang of "hide and go seek." (Robin D. Grove, Washington) In an effort to revive the heyday of the Coneheads, the cast of "Saturday Night Live" tried everything. (Oslo, Alexandria) And last: "No, I don't know what the hell that R. is doing up there, either." (Geary Johns, Columbia) Next Week: Beat the Bands. ====================================================================== WEEK 10, published May 9, 1993 Week 10: A Week That Will Live in Euphemy PLANE CRASH = UNSCHEDULED ARRIVAL THROWING UP = A RETRO DINING EXPERIENCE LIAR = TRUTH ECONOMIST ACNE = FACIAL ACCESSORIES MURDERER = AFTERLIFE FACILITATOR This week's contest: Euphemisms. We came up with this concept after receiving a brochure from a school for "persons with multiple exceptionalities." Eventually we figured out this meant "lunatics." And so we got to thinking about how euphemisms are cynical assaults on the truth, and must be ridiculed to oblivion. So: Write us a funny one. First-prize winner will receive a Handsome White House Dinner Plate, which is a euphemism for a "cheap, foreign-made porcelain gewgaw featuring the nearly recognizable likenesses of American presidents," a value of maybe $20. Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirt. As always, winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 10, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received by Monday, May 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from week 7 ...in which we asked you to come up with names for new rock bands. Your 3,200 entries were "spirited." This is a euphemism for "twisted beyond all reason." How twisted? Suffice it to say that dozens of hilarious entries had to be eliminated for reasons of taste. Now look at those that survived the taste test, and permit your imagination to boggle. Eighth Runner-Up: Pointless Umlautzz (Ron Vlaskamp, Crofton) Seventh Runner-Up: Armageddon Sandwich (Rob Runett and Todd Kolm, Potomac) Sixth Runner-Up: Manson Family Values (Bradley Fisher, Rockville) Fifth Runner-Up: The Irving R. Levine Experience (Anthony Fabic, Gaithersburg) Fourth Runner-Up: Satan In Therapy (Catherine D. Richardson, Alexandria) Third Runner-Up: Stroke the Fat Elvis (Douglas E. Morris, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Meal of Poodles (Edward Giefer, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Mohandas Hitler (Ranald Totten, Springfield) And the Winner of the Collection of Awful Tapes: Your Mother Was My Father (Beverley Brown, Falls Church) Honorable mentions: When Ruby Met Oswald (Mark Hagstrom, Leesburg) Shemp's Swollen Prostate (Craig Garland, Oxon Hill) Xenophobic Strangers (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Crosseyed Cyclops; also, Spiro Agnew's Yard Sale (Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) We Who Are Flaccid (Jeff Evans, Arlington) Six-Word, Eight Syllable Band Name (Peter Geiger, Reston) Picturing Your Parents Doing It (Rachel Carasso, Gaithersburg) Ich Bin Ein Target (Ranald Totten, Springfield) The Incontinentals (John H. Prentice, Washington) Turn Your Head and Cough (Tony Sanders, Holly Sanders, and Page Newton, Washington) Kevorkian Express (Melissa Fischer, Washington) Spastic Mohels (Stephen Adise, Silver Spring) Dead Rock Stars of the Future (Scott Kuntz, Catonsville) And last: Give Me The Damned T-Shirt (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Next Week: Tom Gets His T-shirt. ====================================================================== WEEK 11, published May 16, 1993 Week 11: In Which We Give You the Back Off Our Shirts. A mere 11 weeks after the start of this sorry contest, we have finally gotten around to designing the T-shirts won by runners-up. But just as we were about to get them manufactured and shipped out, we came up with a swell new way to delay the whole process a few more weeks! The back of the shirt needs a slogan, something that captures the spirit of The Style Invitational. What is that spirit? You tell us. No hints this week. And no, "Your Clever Words Here" won't win. The right idea, though. First-prize winner will receive five handsome T-shirts, a value of about $75. They will of course not be Style Invitational T-shirts, with your fabulous slogan on them. To win those, you have to lose. Hahahahahahaha. Runners-up, as always, get the losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 11, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 8, in which we asked you to come up with sleazy headlines for the Weekly World News. Roseanne Pregnant With Elvis's Baby. Elvis Pregnant With Roseanne's Baby. Baby Pregnant With Roseanne's Elvis. Elvis Has Gas. Elvis Has Boogers. Roseanne Explodes. Sigh. True comic genius does not submit to formula, folks. True comic genius would be a headline like CHAINSAW PROCTOLOGIST INDICTED, which no one submitted, fortunately, since it is far too tasteless to print. The promise of a story about the first-prize winner in the famously disreputable Weekly World News, as opposed to our usual lousy prizes, elicited more than 700 entries, nearly 20 of which were clever and inventive. Here they are: Fifth Runner-Up: ELVIS HEADLINES USO SHOW FOR MIAS STILL IN VIETNAM(C. Paul Mendez, Silver Spring) Fourth Runner-Up: TRAGIC LEPER TRAPEZE ACT FATALITY (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-UP: EARTH DISCOVERED TO BE 'SHOOTER' IN GIANT ALIEN MARBLE GAME (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston) Second Runner-Up: ELVIS FINISHES 3RD IN ELVIS IMPERSONATOR CONTEST (Chris David Zaharis, Baltimore) First Runner-Up: AL GORE BELIEVED ALIVE -- WHAT HE MIGHT LOOK LIKE (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) And the Winner of a Story in the Weekly World News: LIKENESS OF HONEYMOONERS' 'ALICE' FOUND ON MOON (Byron Baker, Capital Heights) Honorable Mentions: MISTAKEN FOR MIMES, ALIENS BEATEN BY ANGRY MOB (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) NAPOLEON'S PENIS FOUND IN RECTANGULAR PASTRY (Jesse Etelson, Rockville) ALIENS SIMONIZED MY CAR (Susan Campbell, New York) SCIENTISTS DISCOVER TREES ARE WHISKERS OF 'MAN IN THE EARTH' (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston) STUDY FINDS MOST BALD MEN VICTIMS OF BAD HAIRCUTS (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) WEDDING NIGHT SHOCKER -- BRIDE AND GROOM HAD SEX CHANGE OPERATIONS ("Dee Dee," Silver Spring) EXCLUSIVE: ELVIS BURIED STILL ATTACHED TO TOILET SEAT (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) HEALTH COSTS TO PLUMMET: KEVORKIAN TO BECOME HEALTH CZAR (Kenneth Lynch, Lutherville) JACK THE RIPPER WAS GROVER CLEVELAND (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) SCIENTIST PROVES MARTIAN CANALS MADE BY GIANT ROLLERBLADES (Stephen Adise, Silver Spring) CAPITALS WIN STANLEY CUP (Craig Ulander, Mount Airy) POPE SECRETLY WARNS CLERGYMEN: HEAVEN IS GETTING FULL (David Moon, Kettering) BLIND ELVIS-LIKE ALIENS IMPREGNATE ROSEANNE, RANSACK GRAVES OF MARILYN, JFK (Barry Reichenbaugh, Alexandria) LOCAL EDITOR SHOOTS DOG, WIFE, THEN SEL (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston) NEXT WEEK: Vanity Unfair. ====================================================================== WEEK 12, published May 23, 1993 WEEK 12 -- HERE DOGGEREL . . . Doc Kevorkian, AKA Jack, Had no need for a magazine rack. He simply ignored That his patients were bored Since he figured they weren't coming back. The husband of Hillary Rodham, he Came out firmly in favor of sodomy. A nation would wonder About Clinton's blunder -- Did the president have a lobotomy? A graceful and fair ballerina From Bosnia-Herzegovina Kept her spirits undamp In a refugee camp, A-twirl behind coiled concertina. This week's contest: Write a limerick. That's the easy part. The hard part: It must contain one of the following names: "Hillary Rodham Clinton," "Jack Kevorkian," "George Stephanopoulos" or "Bosnia-Herzegovina." The names don't have to be part of the rhyme, and their constituent words can be separated. First-prize winner will receive a selection of revolting novelty items, including but not limited to a twitching rubber rat caught in a leg-hold trap, a value of about $35. A special award will be given for the most pitiful attempt at a rhyme. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational Losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 12, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 31. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 9, in which we asked you to come up with vanity license plates for famous people. But first, a quick mail call. A few of you have written in, asking what we do with your losing entries after the judging. What would you do with 500 lame Vanities? We had a bonfire. You're welcome. The Winners: Fifth Runner-Up: UP CHUCK -- Princess Di (Bruce Powers, Alexandria. Also, "Hoops," Alexandria) Fourth Runner-Up: CALL AAA -- All Metro buses (Harold Kerr, Washington) Third Runner-Up: R U MINE? -- Dr. Cecil Jacobson, "The Sperminator" (Audrey Kovalak, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: NTM NTM -- Judy Garland (Tom O'Brien, Winchester) First Runner-Up: FCC YOU -- Howard Stern (Terri Levine, Herndon) And the Winner of the Irresponsible Books About Robbery, Torture and other Mayhem: FOR! -- Dan Quayle (Don Beale, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: ONLYACAR -- Sigmund Freud (Robert Hofheimer, Norfolk) I 4 GOT -- Ronald Reagan (Anna Sokol, Alexandria) 1 2 MANY -- John Riggins (Gordon Angell, McLean) YES DEAR -- Bill Clinton (Tom Crites, Gaithersburg) I/M -- Jack the Ripper (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) QUAIL1 -- Dan Quayle (Eric D. Greenberg, Washington) IM L8 -- Bill Clinton (Jonathan S. Silber, Bethesda)(A blank plate) -- Al Gore (George C. Montgomery, Bethesda) (A blank plate) -- J.P. Sartre (Ken Schwartz, Burke) ##### -- LAPD cars (E. Kelly Merritte, Charleston, W.Va.) 1/8/40- -- Elvis Presley (Neil Molenda, Arlington) I C U -- George Orwell (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) COPY .* -- Joe Biden (Harold Mantle, Darnestown) TRODHAM -- Hillary Clinton (Hoops, Alexandria) FEELINGS -- Bob Packwood (Nick Dierman, Potomac) GO CAPS -- e.e. cummings (Rich Isaacman and Kathy Pedelty, Bowie) And Last, SO LONG -- deceased porn star John Holmes (Margaret Welch, Arlington) NEXT WEEK: A WEEK THAT WILL LIVE IN EUPHEMY. ====================================================================== WEEK 13, published May 30, 1993 Week 13 : ANAGRAMS = A MAN'S RAG Woody Allen = A Lewd Loony Marion Barry = My Brain-roar The Washington Post = Wet Hogs in Hot Pants Princess Di = Diss Prince Albert Gore = Get Real, Bro' The White House = Whee! Hot Tushie! William Donald Schaefer = A Clownish Leader Fail Md. What does it mean that Woody Allen's name is an anagram of "A Lewd Loony?" He had that name years before he became a famous groin- crazed, teen-diddling doodoohead. Could it be that names are secret encoded clues to the true nature of people? That a clever anagramist is not so much a creative genius as he is a "channeler"? Naah. He's just a wonk with a Scrabble set and a lot of time on his hands. This week's contest: Come up with a funny anagram for the name of a famous person or institution. All letters in the name must be used, and no letters may be left over. First-prize winner will receive a huge American flag, a star- spangled banner too big for tasteful display anywhere except on the side of a mountain or perhaps in a polo stadium (a value of approximately $90). Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational Loser' T- shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor, originality and relevance to the anagramed name. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 13, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from week 10 ... in which we sought euphemisms, nice ways to say unpleasant things. We received 450 entries, most of which were (bad) not meeting our current needs but we thank you for your interest in our publication blah blah blah. The Winners: - Fifth runner-up: Road Kill = Vehicularly Compressed Maladapted Life Form (Bradley Fisher, Rockville) - Fourth runner-up: Meter Maid = Wiper Poet (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) - Third runner-up: Plagiarism = Previously Owned Prose (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) - Second runner-up: Cowardly = Challenge Challenged (Wendy C. Leyes, Chevy Chase) - First runner-up: Cannibalism = Intra-species Dining (Harvey Kipper, Arlington) - And the Winner of the Ugly Presidential Plate: Vomiting = Unplanned Reexamination of Recent Food Choices (Erik Johnson, Prince Frederick, Md.) Honorable mentions: - Alcoholic = Anti-sobriety Activist (Darren C. Mitchell, Mount Rainier) - Vice president = Post-coronary Leader of the Free World (Phil Clutts, Silver Spring) - Abortion = Near-life Experience (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) - Rudeness = Tact Avoidance (Harvey Kipper, Arlington) - Disgruntled Employee = Designated Corporate Retaliatory Officer (Darren C. Mitchell, Mount Ranier) - Dead = Taking a Dirt Nap (Erik Johnson, Prince Frederick) - Parking Boot = Aftermarket Hubcap (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) - Assassination = Involuntary Term Limitation (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) - Shoplifter = Cost-of-living Adjustment Specialist (Darren C. Mitchell, Mount Rainier) - Stabbing = Social Surgery (Erik Johnson, Prince Frederick, Md.) - Dead = Actuarially Mature (Jeannie Jasper Edwards, Herndon) - Hemorrhoids = Solid Waste Deceleration Devices (Ian Marc Ories, Arlington) - Homelessness = Mortgage-Free Living (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) - Corpse = Permanently Static Post-Human Mass (Oliver Sommers, Warrenton) - Navel Lint = NatureUs Worry Bead (Stu Segal, Vienna) And last: - Yard Sale Rejects = Style Invitational Prizes (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) And even more last: - Fifth Runner-Up, Fourth Runner-Up, Third Runner-Up, Second Runner-Up, First Runner-Up and Honorable Mention = Loser. (Richard Maltagliati, Burtonsville) Next Week: You Give Us the Backs Off Our Shirts. ====================================================================== WEEK 14, published June 6, 1993 WEEK 14: Collective Insanity A Slick of lawyers A Smuggery of politically correct individuals An Olfaction of babies A Confusion of psychiatrists A Nitpick of wonks Today, we present our first reader-induced contest, proposed by Kitty Theurmer of Washington, who receives for her gracious help some plastic vomit. Kitty proposed that we modernize collective nouns (as in a "pride" of lions or an "exaltation" of larks), inventing snide new names for groups of things. As in the examples above. First-prize winner will receive a big fluffy pillow, because we always wanted to mail somebody a big fluffy pillow. It's worth about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 14, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 11, in which you were asked to come up with a slogan for the back of the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirt. There were more than 1,200 entries, almost 5 percent of which were some variation of "If You Get It, You Don't Get It," a corruption of The Washington Post's television ad campaign. To which we respond, "If You Get a Life, You Won't Not Have a Life." Thank you. Many of you have inquired whether the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirt, almost ready for shipping, is available for purchase. Yes, it is. It costs $765. And now, the winners: Eighth Runner-Up: You Can't Lose if You Don't Play (Jim Martin, Alexandria) Seventh Runner-Up: Near Genius Nearly Rewarded (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Sixth Runner-Up: Will Exchange Shirt for Idea (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Fifth Runner-Up: Born to Be Barely Adequate (Charles Layman, Silver Spring) Fourth Runner-Up: Words Fail Me (Mort Oakes, Monkton; also, Jan Genevro, Rockville) Third Runner-Up: My Name Here (Craig Ulander, Mount Airy) Second Runner-Up: Machine wash. Tumble dry. Do not bleach. Do not iron. (Rick Greene, Washington) First Runner-Up: Mistakes Were Made (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And The Winner of the five T-shirts, none of which contains her ingenious slogan, which will appear on Style Invitational losers' T-shirts only: Almost Do It! (Mary Pat Jones, Potomac) Honorable Mentions: No Radio in Pants (Mary Mazer, Antioch, Tenn.) The unexamined life IS worth living. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I used to be, you know, inarticulate. (Ken Schwartz, Burke) Will write for food. (Hoops, Alexandria) Big, Hairy Deal (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Wet the OTHER side, idiot! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) When Aroused, I Submit (Addison L. Gilmore, Cumberland) Quayle in '96 (David Moon, Kettering) Humor Hurts (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) And Last: No, I'm not Bob Zane of Woodbridge. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Next Week: Here, Doggerel ... ====================================================================== WEEK 15, published June 13, 1993 Week 15: Punch Us. Sandra Day O'Connor, Abraham Lincoln and Woody Woodpecker are in a boat that capsizes. There is only one life preserver. Sandra says ... How do you know if Bill Clinton has been in your house? Knock knock. Who's there? Hillary. Hillary who? ... A man walks into a bar in Washington and orders a Kahlua and root beer fizz. He notices that the woman next to him has a chicken bone in her hair. "Hey," he says to the bartender ... A nun, a rabbi and an atheist are taking a tour of the White House ... This week's contest: Complete any of these jokes in 75 words or fewer. First-prize winner will receive several books of tasteless jokes, a value of about $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 15, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 12, in which we asked you to write a limerick using any of these names: George Stephanopoulos, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Jack Kevorkian or Bosnia-Herzegovina. We offered a contest poetic. The results, they were pretty pathetic. 'Twas the worst of our fears -- You all had tin ears! And kept trying to stick in extra clunky words and committing rhymes that gave us a headache. And now the winners, some of which have been lightly edited to improve their meter: Fourth Runner-Up: Hillary Rodham spent hours Developing Bill Clinton's powers. But she really got miffed When she bought him a gift, And he said that he'd rather have Flowers.(Scott Straub, Winchester, Va.) Third Runner-Up: There are names that are spoken with ease, While others come out like a sneeze. By George, there's a lot of us Who think "Stephanopoulos" Just sounds like a rare foot disease. (Art and limerick, Andy Black, Reston) Second Runner-up: Ms. Hillary Clinton (nee Rodham) Charmed Bill from his top to his bottom Now that Billy is prez Will he do as she says? Has she not only got him, but got 'em? (Janet Crawford, Pomfret, Md.) First Runner-up: The president's spokesman was out. An afternoon lunch date, no doubt. "Find George Stephanopoulos! This crisis could topple us! Al Gore's got termites, not gout!" (Kevin Dunleavy, Fairfax) And the winner of the twitching rubber rat caught in a trap: Jack Kevorkian, Suicide Doc, Awoke to a terrible shock. His machine ... it was broke! "But folks want to croak! I suppose I can use a blunt rock." (Jimmy Nguyen, Rockville) Special award of a tin cup for the most pitiful attempt at a rhyme: In a faraway jungle most populous With elephant and rhinoceros, George deemed it unsound That we sleep on the ground Because something big might Stephanopoulos. (C. Paul Mendez, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: Ms. Clinton, that's Hillary Rodham, Into the White House, she got him. Now, when they're in bed, Or so it is said, She prefers the top to the bottom. (Art and limerick by Andy Black, Reston) Doc Kevorkian, also called Jack Is possessed of a marvelous knack. He'll provide a neat visa To any old geeza For a trip on the heavenly track. (Thomas A. Parrott, Washington) Next Week: Anagrams=A Man's Rag. ====================================================================== WEEK 16, published June 20, 1993 Week 16: "I Am Addicted to an Asinine Newspaper Contest With Crummy Prizes" "Men Who Get Sex Changes and Then Become Lesbians" "I Caught My Hubby in a Topless Bar" "I Am Sleeping With My Best Friend's Mom" "I Am Sleeping With My Son's Girlfriend" "Gay Men Who Date Married Men" "Black Men Who Want to Be Chinese" "My Husband Spends All His Time in the Toilet" "Divorced Couples Who Still Do It" Americans have proved time and again that they will cheerfully flush their dignity right down the pooper for a few minutes of grungy fame on national TV. Half of the above topics actually were aired on the OprahGeraldoSallyJenny circuit. The others are made up. Of course you can't tell the difference, that's our point. This week's contest: Come up with sleazy new topics for the daytime talks. First-prize winner will receive a ceramic raccoon purchased from a Bethesda hardware store, plus a framed painting of dogs playing poker, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 16, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 13, in which you were asked to come up with clever anagrams for the names of famous people or institutions. Many of you have asked why we sometimes have six or seven runners-up, and sometimes only two or three. The answer is that some weeks you are a parliament of drooling nitwits, and other weeks you appear to have gobbled brilliance pills. Like this week. Congratulations, especially to Laura Drohan, our very first T-shirt winner yet to reach puberty. Tenth Runner-Up: North American Free Trade Agreement = Rare Menace Threatening Rat Freedom (Scott Michael, Alexandria) Ninth Runner-Up: Thomas Jefferson = Oh, Master Jeff'son! (Douglas M. Delorge, Fairfax) Eighth Runner-Up: Gerald Ford = Grade F, Lord (Carole Dix, Gaithersburg) Seventh Runner-Up: Ted Turner = Utter nerd (Marjean Willett, Arlington) Sixth Runner-up: George Stephanopoulos = One huge press pool goat (Jennifer Mendelsohn, Arlington) Fifth Runner-Up: FBI = Fib (Laura Drohan, 10 years old, Springfield. Submitted in crayon) Fourth Runner-Up: Washington Redskins = Darkness in sight now (Ian Marc Ories, "Nice Aroma, Sir," Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Supreme Court = Corrupt? Sue Me. (Paulette Dickerson & Mark Zimmermann, Silver Spring) Second Runner-up: George Stephanopoulos = O, Ha! U Lose to "Pops" Gergen (Ned Lilly, Arlington) First Runner-Up: The economy, stupid = Shout my deception (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) And the winner of the gigantic, ungainly American flag: William Jefferson Clinton = "Slim-n-fit. Join now. Call Free!" (John and Donna Hughes-Hasle, Dunn Loring, Va.) Honorable Mentions: Tax and Spend Liberal = A Bland, Lax President (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Clarence Thomas = To scheme carnal (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Professor Anita Hill = A thin, proofless liar (Mary Lee Fox Roe??? ) George Stephanopoulos = Gergen phases out o' loop (David A. Ames, Crofton, Md.) Giant Food = A tin of dog (Heidi Waters, Charlottesville) Ollie North = O, rot in hell (Hank, Leesburg) Senator Jesse Helms = No jest: He's real mess (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Monica Seles = Camel's noise (P.P. Rao, Oxon Hill) Boris N. Yeltsin = Nobly sinister (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Michael Jordan = Land heroic jam (Ian Marc Ories, Arlington) Gennifer Flowers = Elfin news forger (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Al "Al" Gore = A real log (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Tom Arnold = Man or dolt? (Colleen McGuire, Arlington) Ronald Wilson Reagan = Ran in an old slow gear (Ed VanderPloeg, Centreville) George Stephanopoulos = A prologue? Stop. He's gone (Sally Longinotti, Fairfax) General Motors = Largest no more (Mary Hosek, Alexandria) William Shatner = What man sillier? (Dorothy Laoang, Rockville) Slobodan Milosevic = Damn evil socio-slob (Steve Rosenberg, Bowie) Hillary Rodham Clinton = Choir lady thrill no man (Lynne A. Larkin, Reston) Geraldo Rivera = A viler dog rear (Mary Hosek, Alexandria) And Last: Style Invitational = A vinyl toilet stain (Clara M. Glock, College Park) Style Invitational = Total Evil Insanity (Paulette Dickerson & Mark Zimmermann, Silver Spring) The Style Invitational Editor = So Vain, or a Little Tin Deity? (Dee Dee, Silver Spring) Next Week: Collective Insanity ====================================================================== WEEK 17, published June 27, 1993 Week 17: Seeing Red Ink Four simple ways to reduce the federal deficit: 1. Impose a special handgun licensing fee for disgruntled postal workers. 2. Secretly print up four trillion dollars and have an accountant named Seymour "find" it one day in the U.S. Treasury. 3. Levy fines for pomposity in the District of Columbia. 4. Have the federal government challenge Michael Jordan to a game of golf. This week's contest: Send us a photocopy of your behind. Just kidding. Obviously, this week's contest is to come up with an easy way to reduce the federal deficit, in 20 words or fewer. This idea was proposed by reader Ken Sandler of Alexandria, who wins three Hanes briefs in attractive designer colors. The first-prize winner will receive a rubber chicken plus a ceramic cat, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 17, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 14, in which you were asked to come up with new collective nouns. Hmm. More than 3,000 entries, not one of which proposed a name for a group of Style Invitational entries. We suggest: a MESS of entries. Smart but too-popular offerings: a BRACE of orthodontists, a PILE of proctologists, a REAM of proctologists, a GAGGLE of comedy writers, a GIGGLE of teenage girls, a GOGGLE of skin divers. Sixth Runner-Up: a TRAVESTY of justices (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Fifth Runner-Up: a CORPS of morticians (Barbara Mayo-Wells, Ellicott City) Fourth Runner-Up: a BROOD of pessimists (P.P. Rao, Oxon Hill; also, Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: a MYRIAD of cliches (Dave Noon, Harrisonburg, Va.) Second Runner-Up: a PROLIFERATION of abortion protesters (Charles Gilbert Owens, Indian Head) First Runner-Up: a GREAT DEAL of used-car salesmen (Tim and Heather Allen, Chapel Hill, N.C.) And the winner of the big, fluffy pillow: a TRANSTIONPOSI of dyslexics (Stu Segal, Vienna) Honorable Mentions: a BATTERY of L.A. police officers (Douglas Olson, Beltsville; also, Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) an INNUENDO of proctologists (Harry Richardson, Laurel) a RUMP of couch potatoes (Mrs. S.T. Prevost, Falls Church) a PRIDE of grandparents (Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village) a SLEW of murderers (Lyell Rodieck, Washington; also, J. Chanmugam, Bethesda) a KUVVEY of Quayles (Lance Conn, Washington) Un MOI des existentialistes (Dick Holt, Arlington) a CONGRESS of hot-air balloons (John Kelly, Washington) a PROPOS of nothing (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) a LOT of Realtors (Byron Baker, Capitol Heights; also, Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) a RASH of hookers (Mary Mazer, Antioch, Tenn.) a HEAD of thyme (Harry Richardson, Laurel) a BASSINET of White House staffers (Ronald Varuska Jr., Washington) a RETINUE of optometrists (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) an AMALGAM of dentists (Marilyn Glaser, Laurel) a JAR of potholes (Mary Frances Borrell-Gould, Kensington) a (SMEAR) of secret agents (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) a GARRISON of Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) a MAGNUM o' pus (Harry Richardson, Laurel) a CLIQUE of castanet players (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) a CONSENSUS of yes men (Ro Hofford, McLean) a RING of phonies (Barbara Mayo-Wells, Ellicott City) a CHAIN of lynx (Harry Richardson, Laurel) a PROFUSION of nuclear scientists (Pat Wallace, La Plata; also, Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) an ARMY of homosexuals (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) a SEMORDNILAP of palindromes (stolen from an undisclosed acquaintance by Paul Kondis, Alexandria) And last: a SHIRTLOAD of Style Invitational losers (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Next Week: You Punch Us. ====================================================================== WEEK 18, published July 4, 1993 Week 18: Punch Us In the Ear This week's contest: We were sitting around the Style Invitational treehouse the other day, reflecting on how unfair it is that the New York Times is more famous than The Washington Post. It's not that we disrespect the Times. We think it a fine newspaper, despite of its policy of selling tiny Page 1 advertisements that appear under stories about Indonesian trade embargoes, ads with messages like "Come, give me a birthday squeeze on the tuchus, Stevie -- Love, Aunt Dorcas." It's just that we feel The Washington Post merits equal respect, but we don't get it. Why? Then it hit us. The Times has a motto! "All the News That's Fit to Print" sits grandly right up there in the same place The Post reserves for the weather ("Today: Partly cloudy. Tomorrow: Partly sunny."). Perhaps this is what we need to push The Post over the top, fame-wise. A motto. Give us one. First-prize winner will receive a three-month subscription to the New York Times, a value of $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 18, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 15, in which we asked you to complete one of several jokes. Sixth Runner-Up: A man walks into a Washington bar and orders a Kahlua and root beer fizz. He notices the woman next to him has a chicken bone in her hair. "Hey," he says to the bartender, "why does she have a chicken bone in her hair?" "She's a Democrat," the bartender says. "A steak bone would be too ostentatious." (John Gilbert, Arlington) Fifth Runner-Up: . . . "... Hey," he says to the bartender, "this place makes me homesick for Arkansas." (Dan Thomas, Burke) Fourth Runner-Up: How do you know if Bill Clinton's been in your house? You have the feeling somebody's been there, but nothing's changed. (Pai Rosenthal, Sterling) Third Runner-Up: How do you know if Bill Clinton's been in your house? He denies it. The next day, he denies that he ever denied it. Later, George Stephanopoulos explains that the president wasn't denying the denial, but instead was denying that the initial denial was in fact a denial. Rather, it was an admission that he was in your house, but a denial that he was aware of that fact. Stephanopoulos is demoted, David Gergen replaces him, and you are audited. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Second Runner-Up: Abe Lincoln, Sandra Day O'Connor and Woody Woodpecker are in a boat that capsizes. There is only one life preserver. Sandra says, "I have a plan." She gives one of the oars to Abe. Then he poles the boat into shallow water, where Abe and Sandra can both stand. The bird simply flies to shore. And suddenly Sandra finds herself holding the other oar, faced with a mighty dilemma: Row v. wade. (Evan Steinhart, Fulton, Md.; also, Jan Verrey, Arlington) First Runner-Up: How do you know if Bill Clinton's been in your house? You find Dave Gergen cleaning up. (Stu Segal, Vienna) And the winner of the books of dirty jokes: How do you know if Bill Clinton's been in your house? A hundred days later he is still trying to get his foot in the door. (Dan Thomas, Burke) Honorable Mentions: "Hey," he says to the bartender, "you got any more of that chicken chow mane?" (Jim Tucker, Charlottesville) How do you know if Bill Clinton's been in your house? The lights seem dimmer. (John Cooper, Clarksburg) ... The bowl with the plastic fruit is empty. (J.M. Crowe, Middletown) . . You find your kids and the White house staff fighting over Legos. (Stu Segal, Vienna) ... The lights are on, but nobody's home. (Bonnie Speary, Bethesda) And Last: "She's foreign born," the bartender says. "In her country, women customarily wear chicken bones in their hair." "That's the stupidest custom I ever heard about." "I thought so, too," says the bartender, "until she told me that their national drink is a Kahlua and root beer fizz." (John Kupiec, Springfield) Next Week: Talk Show Topics ====================================================================== WEEK 19, published July 11, 1993 The Stale Invitational; Week 19: A Recycled Idea That Was None Too Good to Begin With ARF WIEDERSEHEN = Put the dog out THE MAN FROM HYPE = David Gergen RICHARD NIKON = The never-apprehended surveillance specialist of Watergate COGITO EGGO SUM = I think, therefore I am a waffle. LAST ACTION ZERO = Schwarzenegger bombs big time. This week's contest was proposed by reader Barbara Mayo-Wells of Ellicott City, who wins a pair of cheap earrings that are gigantic replicas of the Elvis stamp, only less attractive. Barbara's idea: Alter a well-known phrase or name by deleting, adding or changing only one letter, and then supply a definition for what results. First-prize winner will receive a genuine Lava-Lite with an inviting blood-and-urine color motif, a value of $45. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 19, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 16, in which you were asked to come up with sleazy topics for the daytime TV talk shows. But first, a weird coincidence. The Style Invitational has conferred a certain shabby notoriety on a few otherwise obscure individuals from fetid backwaters of The Post circulation area. The three most frequent winners to date are Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, Bob Zane of Woodbridge ("Woodbridge: The City of Two-Bit Fame") and Stu Segal of Vienna. Now here's the weird part: In this week's contest, Bob, Chuck and Stu independently came up with the same good idea, an idea not duplicated in any of the other 1,200 entries. "Women Who Leave the Toilet Seat Up" is a great talk show topic, but it isn't going to bring home the shirt. Why? Because we are just going to be that way. Fifth Runner-Up: "Total Idiots Who May Already Have Won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes" (Chris Rooney, Reston) Fourth Runner-Up: "People Examined in UFOs Who Went Back for Checkups" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: "Undertakers Who Sell Used Dentures" (James Day, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: "People Who Have Their Inner Child Circumcised" (Charles A. Jones, Norfolk, Va.) First Runner-Up: "Dogs Who Do Their Owners' Homework for Them -- and Then Eat It." (Thomas Drucker, Carlisle, Pa.) And the winner of the framed painting of Dogs Playing Poker: "Penis Litterers" (Kitty Thuermer and Mike Tidwell, Washington) Honorable Mentions: "My Dog Was My Bridesmaid" (Paul H. Parent, Adelphi) "Vacuum Cleaner Hickeys -- The Explanation No One Will Believe (Carole Dix, Gaithersburg) "Men Who Ride Tricycles to Work" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Weight-Challenged People Denied Seats on Roller Coasters" (Charles A. Jones, Norfolk, Va.) "Men Who Have Gotten Drunk From the Small Quantities of Alcohol In 'Non-Alcoholic' Beverages" (Aaron Suplizio, Alexandria) "People Who Became Parents Because They Were Too Embarrassed to Buy Condoms" (Steven King, Alexandria) "Men Who Are Battered by Their Dogs" (Danielle Therry, Washington) "When Your Daughter Falls In Love With Lloyd Bentsen" (Danielle Therry, Washington) KILL... "Men With Priapism and Their Wives Who Have Constant Headaches" (Bob Sibley, Arlington) "Police Officers Who've Undergone Face Lifts So They Will Look Good if Videotaped During an Attack on a Citizen." (Sue Lazanov, Reston) KILL... "Women Who Beat Themselves So Their Husbands Don't Have To." (Tom Gearty, Washington) "My Husband's Son Married My Daughter and The Grandchildren Are Confused" (Tom Reed, Falls Church) "Doctors Who Use the Words Weenie and Wee-Wee" (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) "Biological Parents Who Hunt Down Their Adopted Children To Molest Them." (Shari Kallmyer and Cindy Karpaw, Washington) "Obese Cross Dressers With Visible Panty Lines (Kara Grant, Alexandria) "Men Whose Noses Resemble Their Genitals" (Cynthia Larsen, Afton, Va.) "Kids Who Put Their Eyes Out With Sticks" (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) "Adult Diapers -- The New Lingerie" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "People Who Prefer The Taste of Diet Pepsi With The Syringe In It. (Chris Rooney, Reston) And Last, Reporters Who Get Lobotomies So They Can Judge The Style Invitational (James Day, Gaithersburg) ====================================================================== WEEK 20, published July 18, 1993 Week 20: Comic Relief Well, here we are, five months into this tawdry little competition, and not yet hauled away in shackles by the dreaded Propriety Police. There have been close calls, mes amis, but -- ha ha HA! -- still we survive, a tiny underground cell of grizzled partisans with reddened eyes and bourbon breath, lobbing stinkbombs at the pompous. Fact: Even The Washington Post does not know who we are. We strike each week from different locations in the Post building, and then scurry away like rats to fight another day. Yesterday, while we were holed up in a dank bunker near the Post morgue, we came across old comics published 60 years ago today, July 18, 1933. "The Gumps" and "Looie Blooie, Attorney at Law." Pretty dated material, eh? This week's contest: Rewrite the cartoons, filling in your own balloons, to make them funnier and more timely. First-prize winner will receive six ripe tomatoes from Joel Achenbach's back yard, plus a spectacular vintage 1930s typewriter, a value of about $100. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 20, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 17, in which you were asked to come up with inventive ways to reduce the federal deficit. Fifth Runner-up: Declare Chapter 11 and start over under the new name, "The United States IN America." (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Fourth Runner-Up: Have government agents get real friendly with the wealthiest people in the world and weasel themselves into their wills. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Third Runner-Up: Require terrorists to pay for blasting permits. (Howard Waler, Catlett, Va.) Second Runner-Up: Charge a nickel for every time someone begins a sentence with "If I had a nickel for every time ... ." (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) First Runner-Up: Have the CIA search couches for coins. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the rubber chicken and ceramic cat: Refinance! (Steven King, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: Add to tax return: "Check here if you want to donate $1 trillion to reduce the deficit." That way, we'd only need four people. (Larry Rubin, Pikesville) Sue Kim Basinger for the entire sum. She's so hated that any jury anywhere will side against her. (Steve A. Weinstein, Los Angeles) "If you break the chain you will have 10 years of bad luck. Send $10 to the name on the top of the list (U.S. Treasury, Washington D.C.) and ... ." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Leave town and give no forwarding address. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Ask families to add this note to obituaries: In lieu of flowers, please consider a donation to the federal government. (C. Lynne Richardson, Burtonsville) Move the decimal point five places to the left. (Steven King, Alexandria; also, Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) 1. Turn control of economy over to New York Mets management. 2. Tell them they have to increase the deficit. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) Claim that all of the U.S. government's creditors made an attempt on Bush's life; indignantly default. (Cara and Elena Horowitz, Bethesda) Have the government publish classified ads saying, "Make Thousands Stuffing Envelopes, $2 for info." Then send worthless info costing only 29 cents postage. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) Hit Cntrl-Alt-Del (Paul Styrene, Olney) Torch White House, collect insurance. (Abner Felix McBundy, Silver Spring) Torch Al Gore, collect insurance. (Abner Felix McBundy, Silver Spring) Beat swords into Microsoft shares. (Douglas H. Ricker, Beltsville) Replace Greenspan and Panetta with existential economists who proceed to prove that there is no deficit. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Change the number base to a larger system so that all the numbers will be smaller. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Open a bungee jumping concession at the Washington Monument. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) And Last: Reinstitute public hanging. Begin with Style Invitational staff. While thousands of Post readers watch and rejoice, steal their wallets. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) Next Week: We Assassinate The Post. ====================================================================== WEEK 21, published July 25, 1993 Week 21 : A So-So Contest + Bob Dole is so mean he wants to repeal the Santa Claus. + Roseanne Arnold is so fat they're spinning off her butt as a new series. + Michael Jackson is so odd he is divisible only by himself and I. + Warren Christopher is so colorless he doesn't tan, he grays. + Mister Rogers is so nice that in high school, girls got him in trouble. + Bill Clinton's waist is expanding so fast the Oval Office is in danger of becoming a circle. This week's contest: This old idea ("HOW OLD IS lT?") may have begun with vaudeville, but it did not achieve maturity until the presidential campaign of 1984, when Dave Barry wrote that John Glenn was so bland "he couldn't electrify a fish tank if he threw a toaster into it." That's the contest: Describe somebody -- or something -- through exaggerated comparison. The first-prize winner will receive a Mortimer Snerd ventriloquist's dummy, a value of about $75. Runners-up, as always. get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 21, The Washington Post. 1150 15th St. NW. Washington. D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 18, in which you were asked to stick it in our "ear" by proposing a front-page motto for The Washington Post. Our favorite comment came from Linda K. Malcolm of Silver Spring, who says she was stunned to learn The Post did not already have a motto. She assumed it was "Prices May Vary in Areas Outside Metropolitan Washington." Linda, don't be a dimwit. That is not a motto. The actual motto is "...." + Eighth Runner-Up: "As Seen On TV." (Pat Gentner, Washington) + Seventh Runner-Up: "A Newspaper With A Proud Tradition of Journalistic Ex- See MOTTO, a32, Col. 2 (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) + Sixth Runner-Up: "The Newspaper Without a Motto" (Dave Ferry, Potomac) + Fifth Runner-Up: "Your Source for Today's Date" (Mike Berman, Gaithersburg) + Fourth Runner-Up: "At Least We Never Have to Say `Mr. Dahmer'" (Gregory James, Fairmount Heights) + Third Runner-Up: "A Pulitzer Prize-Returning Paper" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) + Second Runner-Up: "Corrections You Can Rely On" (Stephen Adise, Silver Spring) + First Runner-Up: "A Great Newspaper That Operates on the Assumption That Its Readers Know Absolutely Nothing and Therefore Require Vast Amounts of Historical and Other Background Material With Every Story, Material That Often Is Allowed to Overwhelm the Story. Historically, Newspapers' Assumptions About Their Readers' Knowledge Level Have Varied Considerably. In the Case of Acta Diurna, for Example, a Daily Bulletin Established by Julius Caesar When Be Became Consul In 60 B.C. and Which May Perhaps Be Considered the Ultimate Ancestor of the Modern Newspaper, It Appears.... See MOTTO, A32, Co1. 4 (Tom Jedele, Laurel) And the winner of the three-month subscription to the New York Times: "All the News That's Fit to Prinf." (Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village) ++ Honorable Mentions: + "When Folded Correctly, Makes a Nice Pair of Underpants" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) + "All the News. Every Morning. Under the Car" (John F. Donley, Vienna) + "For Today's Corrected Motto, See Tomorrow's A3" (Steve Svartz, McLean) + "Warning: This Product May Cause Drowsiness" (Al Toner, Arlington) + "Do Not Flush Plastic Wrapper"' (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) + "Cheaper Than a Stamp" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) + "More Interesting Than Breeding Prize-Winning Clams" (Douglas E. Morris, Washington) + "Today's Comics Are in Real Estate, Page F46. There Are Two Real Estate Sections. The First One Says COMICS on It, But the Comics are Actually in the Second Section, Which has the Orange Mortgage Rate Table on the Front. Real Estate Also Has the Classified Ads, So the Comics Aren't at the Back of the Section, They're a Little Past the Middle. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) + "Mistakes Were Made" (John Kupiec, Springfield) + "There Is a Reason This Is on the Left" (Craig M. Lewis, Laytonsville) + "If You Don't Get It, Just Pick One Out of the Recyclables Bin at the Metro" (Rob Mendelson, Rockville) + "Gives Good Smear" (Al Toner, Arlington) + "Read Left to Right" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) + "Ultra Absorbent" (Meghan Meyer, Olney; Stu Segal, Vienna) + "Washington Is Our Middle Name" (Stu Segal, Vienna) + And Last: "Exclusive T-Shirt Supplier to Stu Segal, Vienna" (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) ====================================================================== WEEK 22, published August 1, 1993 Week 22: Stump Us Let's Put Teddy Back In The Driver's Seat! "Dick" Nixon: Because Evil Is Entertaining. Ross Perot. The Medication Is Working. Chuck Robb. He Listens to You. Quayle in '95! Marion Barry. That Great Sucking Sound Isn't Jobs Going to Mexico. This Week's Contest was proposed by reader Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a model elephant made entirely of peach pits. Elden feels it is not too early to come up with slogans for the 1996 presidential campaign. The contest is restricted to plausible candidates, but we will be very lenient in our definition of plausible. (Dukakis, sure. Limbaugh, yes. Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, why not? The Energizer Bunny, no. Got it?) The first-prize winner will receive a framed photograph of President Clinton, personally autographed by Tony Kornheiser. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 22, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 19, in which we asked you to change, add or delete one letter of a common name or phrase, and supply a definition for what results. But first, a personal message to the eleventeen squadrillion winners of T-shirts and other fine prizes who have been bombarding us with inquiries about why they haven't received squat from us, including one man, whom we do not wish to embarrass by naming, who seemed unduly anxious to receive his promised underpants: The T-shirts and most of the other prizes have now been shipped. Thank you for your patience, particularly Ken Sandler of Alexandria, who now has our full, ha ha, support. Fifth Runner-Up: The Wizard of O -- Dorothy follows the road to true happiness. (Rick von Behren, Glenn Dale) Fourth Runner-Up: One fell snoop -- William Sessions. (Bruce Powers, Alexandria) Third Runner-Up: The Few, the Proud, the Maxines -- Lacenecks in combat (Harry Richardson, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: It's the Economy Stupids -- Clinton, Bentsen and Panetta. (Jon Miller, Dumfries) First Runner-Up: Beverly Sills 90210 -- TV series about an overweight opera singer who is her own Zip code. (Bonnie Speary, Bethesda) And the winner of the Lava-Lite: Beat me up, Scotty -- the last words of Commander James T. "Kinky" Kirk. (Joseph H. Engel, Bethesda, and David J. Zvijac, Annandale) Honorable Mentions: George Oh Well -- writer who predicted 1984 would be just another year. (Jean C. Clancy, Fairfax) Candide Camera -- in which it is shown that making a fool out of yourself on TV is the best of all possible events. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Gergen's lotion -- soothes but doesn't cure. (Allen Moore, McLean. Also, Kris Morris, McLean) The Zen Commandments -- 1. The following Commandment is false. 2. The preceding Commandment is true. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) The Great White Hop -- Woody Harrelson in "White Men Can't Jump." (Kennon Smith, Glenn Dale) Four Coroners of the Earth -- the cleanup crew for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) George Tush -- butt of presidential jokes. (Stu Segal, Vienna) Hillary Rodham Clingon -- the First Lady's latest hairstyle. It features massive centerline part held in place with black spray paint. (Harold Mantle, Darnestown) National Pork Service -- Congress. (Allen Moore, McLean) New Pork City -- Washington, D.C. (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Shootout at the U.K. Corral -- family dinners at Buckingham Palace. (Tom Gearty, Washington) Five Guys named Zoe -- Here's the new group of nominees. (Carl Yaffe, Silver Spring) Goys in the Military -- controversy that rocked the Israeli armed forces. (Harry Richardson, Laurel) Arsenic Hall -- Poison-tongued talk-show host (Carin C. Quinn, Gaithersburg) Vaya Con Dior -- a farewell blessing among the very stylish. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Bomb Dole -- he's got a short fuse. (Jon Miller, Dumfries) The White House Press Corpse -- George Stephanopoulos. (Brad Cooper and Paul Sparta, McLean) A Place Called Nope -- Bill Clinton's Washington. (Peter A. Molinaro, Oakton) The Washington Past -- newspaper living on Watergate reputation. (Dick Marvin, Burke) Don't Halve a Cow -- the motto of the anti-vivisection society. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Gesundheil -- the involuntary spastic salute during a sneeze. (Tom Crites, Gaithersburg) The Goodyear Blip -- Clinton's honeymoon with Congress. (Paul Sparta, McLean) Anais Nun -- repentant sensualist. (Jim Todhunter, Silver Spring) Have a nice dad -- sperm bank slogan. (Les Greenblatt, Washington) Barney Hubble -- Famed thinker who asked, "Is Bedrock expanding at a constant velocity?" (J. Preston Sparrer, Charlottesville) Mr. Id -- Catherine the Great's favorite mount. (Chuck and Mary Lou Smith, Woodbridge) And last: Style Invitational T-Shirk -- attempt to shame Style Invitational editors into coughing up a promised prize for the Week 6 runner-up from Glenn Dale. (Rick von Behren, Glenn Dale) Next Week: Comic Relief ====================================================================== WEEK 23, published August 8, 1993 WEEK 23: HAPPY ENDINGS You scratch my back and… I'll slap you with a harassment suit. Row, row, row your boat, gently down the… street. Read my lips. New taxes. The only thing we have to fear is… tractor-trailers exploding on the Beltway. Watson, come here I… Damn. Hang on, Watson, there's another call coming in. This week's contest: Modernize an old quote or expression by altering its ending. First-prize winner received what may be the ugliest clock ever manufactured, a value of about $50. We will say only that it appears to be constructed entirely of licorice. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 23, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, August 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 20 in which we asked you to rewrite either of two 60-year-old comics, filling in balloons with contemporary subject matter. But first, a brief aside. We have received calls and letters requesting the name of the Czar of the Style Invitational. Regrettably, we cannot disclose this. At The Post, it is a closely guarded secret, like the identity of Deep Throat, which is known only to Bob Woodward and the Czar of The Style Invitational. Thank you. First Runner Up: Mark Brackett, Laurel(Man on knees extends both arms to woman, who is only visible from the left side) Man: Be reasonable, my dear. This cruel game must end. Give me back my penis and I will return your arm. (Man standing with woman, holding her by the right arm) Man: There, see? I have reattached your arm. Woman: But now my arm has a permanent crook in it! (Woman points with left arm to man, who's standing in front of doorway) Woman: Leave and don't return until you can give me an arm I can straighten like this one. (Woman in doorway, Man walking down stairs outside door, partially out of sight) Woman: BEAST! Man: Egad, my feet also seem to be missing. And why am I wearing fishnet stockings? And the Winner of the Vintage Typewriter and six tomatoes from Joel Achenbach's garden: Tom Gearty, Washington (Man on knees extends both arms to woman, who is only visible from the left side) Man: Let me help you. I'm begging! Are you sure you're okay? You aren't in pain? (Man standing with woman, holding her by the right arm) Man: No nausea? No weakness? How does it feel when I twist this arm? Woman: It feels fine! Let me go! (Woman points with left arm to man, who's standing in front of doorway) Woman: For the last time, I feel great! Get lost! (Woman in doorway, Man walking down stairs outside door) Woman: Don't show your face around here again, Kevorkian! Man: Promise you'll call me if you start to feel under the weather! Honorable Mentions: Paul Kondis, Alexandria (Man on knees extends both arms to woman, who is only visible from the left side) Man: I love you. I have always loved you. I knead you. (Man standing with woman, holding her by the right arm) Man: See how I knead you? May I have this arm in marriage? Woman: You are tiresome. (Woman points with left arm to man, who's standing in front of doorway) Woman: This is the arm you shall get! A forearm to the chops! Get out! (Woman in doorway, Man walking down stairs outside door) Woman: And none of your stupid puns on the way! Man: Alas, to be forward is to be forearmed. Steven King, Alexandria (Woman in a chair sitting across from shorter bald man with a mustache who's also sitting in a chair.) Woman: You have to help me. I am accused of murder! Man: My god! I don't believe it! You seem so nice! (Woman leans forward) Woman: I did it, but I was suffering from pre-menstrual insanity. Man: Don't worry. We'll get your shrink to testify you were insane. (Woman stands up. Man collapse's back in chair.) Woman: I wish we could, Looie. But I killed him last month! Jim Tucker, Charlottesville (Woman in a chair sitting across from shorter bald man with a mustache who's also sitting in a chair.) Woman: I'm sick of your lewd comments! I'm your secretary, not your mistress! Man: I'd love to change that right now! (Woman leans forward) Woman: That's it! I'm suing you for sexual harassment! Man: Fine. Perhaps Clarence Thomas will hear your case! (Woman stands up. Man collapse's back in chair.) Woman: Hmm. You're right. Let's go with option number two. Got a filet knife? And last: (Woody Franke, Reston) (Woman in a chair sitting across from shorter bald man with a mustache who's also sitting in a chair.) Woman: Dad, I'm going to join the marines. Man: Do you think that's wise, son? Next Week: A So-So Contest ====================================================================== WEEK 24, published August 15, 1993 Week 24: Ask Backwards Janet Reno's shoes Herbert Haft's hair To get to the other side Lorena Bobbitt or Hermann Goering Socks Don't ask, don't tell Michael Jackson's face The inventor of the urinary catheter It's the economy, stupid Heidi Fleiss's notebook Just Do It Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna Tax and spend Because he didn't inhale Ooo-bop-a-loo-bop-a-loo-bop-boom Marion Barry, Vaclav Havel and that guy in the Taster's Choice ad This week's contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" Those are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more than one. Only one example. Answer: The inventor of the urinary cateter. Question: "Who has been, simultaneously, an enormous contributor to society and a great drain on it?" First-prize winner receives a pair of tickets to Memorial Stadium for a Bowie Baysox game, plus a pair of furry moose slippers with eyes and antlers and everything, a total value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 24, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 21, in which you were asked to describe things through So-So comparison. "Ross Perot is so unusual, it's said that when he was born they threw away the baby and raised the placenta." A splendid joke, when it was first applied to Tiny Tim in 1968. And: "George Burns is so old that when he was born the Dead Sea was just sick." This was originally said about George Bernard Shaw, who died in 1950. Fair warning: In the future, if you serve us chestnuts, we will roast you. Fifth Runner-Up: Donald Trump is so annoying that Amnesty International wants him beaten and locked up. (Tom Gearty, Washington) Fourth Runner-Up: D.C. streets are so badly maintained they have more potholes than Jerry Garcia's sofa. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Third Runner-Up: The Mississippi River has been so aggressive, it is now being called the Msissippi. (Pai Rosenthal, Sterling) Second Runner-Up: Joe McGinniss is so original he deserves to win the Style Invitational, Ted Kennedy thought to himself. (Tom Jedele, Laurel) First Runner-Up: Bill Clinton has gained so much weight that I-495 has been renamed the Sansabeltway. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) And the winner of the Mortimer Snerd Ventriloquist's Dummy: Jack Kent Cooke is so litigious that I'm not going to finish this thought. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: The White House staff is so young that the most common question on Air Force One is, "Are we there yet?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The White House staff is so young they have to write home when they go to Camp David. (Paul B. Jacoby, Washington) The White House staff is so inexperienced that it has never "been" with another staff. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Spike Lee is so desperate for a crossover hit that he is filming "Dennis the Menace II Society." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Saddam Hussein is so evil he will have to pass an ethics test to get into Hell. (Leonard Osterman, Potomac) Mayor Kelly is so sensitive to sexual harassment that she refuses to accept mail addressed to "The Hon. Sharon Pratt Kelly" because she is no one's "hon." (Carol V. Strachan, Silver Spring) Washington streets have so many potholes, it's like driving over a giant, deserted Whack-a-Mole game. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Don King has so much static in his hair, he electrocutes anyone who give him a noogie. (Audrey Kovalak, Springfield) The White House is so full of Arkansans they are cutting crescent moons in the restroom doors. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Ross Perot is so paranoid his theories are laughed at by Oliver Stone. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) Gov. Schaefer is so petty that he had "43" painted on his limo. (Greg Griswold, Falls Church) The Haft family is so dysfunctional that Herbert sold the family tree to Crown Books for pulp. (Christopher P. Nicholson, Arlington) Dan Quayle is so dumb. (Chris Rooney, Reston) And Last: The Style Invitational is so popular that the next Supreme Court justice will be chosen on the basis of "humor and originality." (Al Toner, Arlington) And Least: The Style Invitational is so funny I forgot to laugh. (Tony Buckley, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 25, published August 22, 1993 Week 25: Caption Crunch This Week's Contest: Write a caption for any of these photos. First-prize winner receives a wristwatch featuring a hologram of an eyeball, a value of about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 25, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 22, in which we asked you to come up with slogans for the 1996 presidential campaign. We restricted the contest to plausible candidates such as Richard Nixon and Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, specifically excluding only the Energizer Bunny. "Reelect Hillary" was clever, but it didn't win because our budget does not permit us to award 104 T-shirts. Fifth Runner-up: Joe McGinniss in '96. He's No Jack Kennedy. But He Knows What Jack Kennedy Is Thinking. (A.K. Merryman, Washington) Fourth Runner-up: Heidi Fleiss. Finally, Madam President (Holly McMullen, Potomac) Third Runner-up: Bill Clinton. Because He May Be Your Long-Lost Brother. (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Second Runner-up: Joe Biden. Ask Not What Your Country Can Do for You, Ask What You Can Do for Your Country. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: Dan Quayle. "A Chicken in Every Garage." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the winner of the framed photo of President Clinton, personally autographed by Tony Kornheiser: How Does PACKWOOD FOR PRESIDENT Grab You? (R. Sharp, Fredericksburg) Honorable Mentions: Marion Barry -- I Didn't Exhale. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Helms for President -- Don't Stop Thinking About Gomorrah. (William Saletan, Washington) Jack Kevorkian -- Solving the Population Crisis One Person at a Time. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Hillary Clinton -- I Am Not a Cook. (Michelle Stenger, Williamsburg) Ted Kennedy -- He'll Never Leave You High and Dry. (Jacki Drucker, Arlington) Lamar Alexander -- He'll Do for the Country What He Did for the Skools. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Bob Dole -- Vote for Me, You Pinheads. (Tom Gearty, Washington) Bush in '96 -- Sushi. Puke. Bad Idea. Won't Do It Again. Promise. (Michael Scott, Arlington) Paul Simon -- Like a Bridge Over Tepid Water (Douglas H. Ricker, Beltsville) Lyndon LaRouche -- In an Unstable World, We Need an Unstable Leader. (Tom Gearty, Washington) Jerry Brown -- A Free-Range Chicken in Every Pot. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) William F. Buckley Jr. -- Plain Talk, Articulated in a Paradigm of Recondite Erudition, Eschewing the Patois of Obfuscatory Neologism. (Michael Scott, Arlington) Cal Ripken Jr. in '96 -- At Least He'll Show Up for Work Every Day. (Kurt Larrick, Burke) Lick 'Em, Rosty. (William Saletan, Washington) Please Vote for Miss Manners. Thank You. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Tony Kornheiser -- A Natural-Born U.S. Citizen Over 35 Who Has Lived in This Country for at Least 14 Years. (Karsten Brown, Front Royal) And Last: Annoy the Media. Elect the Energizer Bunny. (Steven King, Alexandria) Next Week: Happy Endings ====================================================================== WEEK 26, published August 29, 1993 Week 26: Casting About for an Idea MARILYN QUAYLE as Nurse Ratched in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" BOB DOLE as Frank in "Blue Velvet" RONALD REAGAN as Jim on "Taxi" ROSS PEROT as Grumpy in "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." This week's contest was proposed by Tom Gearty of Washington, who wins "Snot Nose," a rubber novelty item so appalling it cannot be further described. Tom wonders what would happen had certain individuals aspired to the stage instead of politics. Name a political person (past or present) and the TV or movie role in which he or she could have been cast. First-prize winner receives a peck of pickled peppers, a value of about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 26, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 23, in which we asked you to modernize old expressions by changing their endings. Sixth Runner-Up: How do I love thee? Let me count ... thy wage. (Joseph A. Pappano, Washington) Fifth Runner-Up: A penny saved is a penny ... taxed retroactively effective Jan. 1, 1993, at a marginal rate of 39.6 percent, accounting for a 10 percent surtax on income over $250,000. (Barry Hurewitz and Ali Smiley, Washington) Fourth Runner-Up: To be ... Press "1." Not to be, press "2." Undecided, press "3." (Terri Dann, Fairfax Station) Third Runner-Up: Shave and a haircut, two ... hundred dollars. (Joel Kawer, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: And God saw that it was ... so-so, but went with it anyway. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) First Runner-Up: "I'll get you, my pretty ... and your little potbellied pig too." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) And the winner of the ugliest clock on the face of the Earth: He that layeth with dogs riseth with ... Fleiss. (Pamela Zilly, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: The road to Hell is paved with ... Honorable Mentions. (Carol Haney McVey, Olney) Four score and ... one plays defense. (Brendan Lane, Gaithersburg) If it ain't broke ... your mechanic will just make up something. (Cesareo Blanco, N. Potomac) A rose by any other name ... is probably an infringement of copyright. (Anne-Marie Da Costa, Fairfax Station) I'd rather be right than ... secretary of housing and urban development. (Harry Richardson, Laurel) Behind every good man ... or woman is a good woman or man. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) When a dog bites a man, that is not news, but when ... Elvis bites an alien, that is news. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Don't put all your eggs in one ... in vitro fertilization clinic, in case lawsuits develop later on. (Tom Gearty, Washington) Sic transit Gloria ... Steinem. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) He ain't heavy, he's my ... sister. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It's not whether you win or lose ... it's whether you place higher than Chuck Smith, Woodbridge. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) O Canada ... BOOOOOO (Kurt Larrick, Burke) Keeping up with the Smith-Joneses (Karsten M. Brown, Front Royal) After coitus, every animal is ... worried. (Mark Johnson, Fairfax) I am not a ... miserable rodent of a person. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Hi there! What's your ... sign-on? (Rhona Bosin, Germantown) Is that a pickle in your pocket or ... are you having an aggressive male fantasy that degrades, oppresses and reduces me to the status of sex object? (Jim Todhunter, Silver Spring) Don't throw the baby out ... till you've checked with the biological father. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is ... ostracized and executed on trumped-up charges. (Cesareo Blanco, N. Potomac) Damn the torpedoes! ... Let's set achievable military objectives, make sure the United Nations will back us up, talk to the leadership of both parties of Congress, have the Pentagon prepare contingency plans and then proceed cautiously while maintaining deniability at all costs. (Eric E. McCollum, Fairfax) It was the best of times, it was the ... worst-case scenario. (Harry Richardson, Laurel) That's the oldest trick in the ... disk (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Every cloud has ... some silver nitrate. (Cynthia Sewell, Falls Church and Becky Cohen, Washington. Also, Clinton T. Gann, Falls Church) It's like looking for a needle in a ... Pepsi. (Siraj Ali, Silver Spring) Loose lips ... can be fixed with liposuction. (Michael Bonett, Mount Airy) And Last: But in this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes ... and references to Lorena Bobbitt's cq/er filet knife in the Style Invitational. (Jon DeNunzio, Woodbridge) And: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers ... then sold it to the Style Invitational, which knows a good prize when it sees one. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Next Week: Ask Backwards. ====================================================================== WEEK 27, published September 5, 1993 Week 27: It's the Eponomy, Stupid Perot. verb. To stand or sit next to someone important and make him feel insecure by saying inane but profound-sounding things. Pack. noun. An unwanted sexual advance more intrusive than a peck, as popularized by Sen. Bob Packwood of Oregon. Bobbitt. verb. To bob "it." Hooverville. noun. A room full of transvestites. This week's contest was proposed by Kitty Theurmer of Washington, who wins a commemorative dinner plate from Hope, Ark., featuring a likeness of President Clinton that appears to have been drawn by a mule or some other animal without opposable thumbs. Kitty suggests coining an eponym, a word or figure of speech based on the name of a famous person. You must define the word, and, if you wish, use it in a sentence. First-prize winner receives a gigantic flag of a cow, a value of approximately $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 27, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 24, in which we asked you to supply "Jeopardy!" questions to fit any of 16 answers we supplied. But first, a brief aside. We have a letter here from Forrest L. Miller of Rockville, addressed to the editor of The Style Invitational. The salutation reads: "Dear Chuck Smith of Woodbridge's mother ..." Alas, there does appear to be a teensy tide of resentment out there against Mr. Smith because of his sustained success in The Style Invitational. We would like to make it clear, first, that we are not Mr. Smith's mother, so far as we know. And second, that we are just as tired of sending Mr. Smith merchandise as you are of watching us send him merchandise. Week after week, he forces our hand. We hate Chuck Smith of Woodbridge and wish upon him a persistent fungal infection. Sixth Runner-Up -- Answer: Socks. Question: Who has also been neutered at the White House? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: To get to the other side. Question: Why did the chicken enter Dan Quayle's ear? (Mark A. Hagenau, Bowie) Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna. Question: Name two women whose IQ plus bust size equals 180. (Debby Prigal, Washington) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Herbert Haft's hair. Question: What is the only element in the Haft family currently not parted? (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Socks. Question: What do the Clintons hide when hungry Arkansas relatives show up at the White House? (Audrey Kovalak, Springfield) First Runner-Up -- Answer: Lorena Bobbitt or Mahatma Gandhi. Question: Who are two people whose spouse had a big red dot somewhere on their body? (Joey Zarrow, Herndon) And the winner of the fuzzy moose bedroom slippers plus tickets to a Bowie Baysox game: Answer: Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna. Question: What do you get when you combine Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna? (Jacob Weinstein, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Answer: To get to the other side. Why did Dan Quayle break the mirror? (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Answer: Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna. What two women are most readily recognizable by their buns? (Karen Troccoli, Bethesda) Who are two women who wear cast-iron underwear? (Dot Devore, Frederick) Answer: The inventor of the urinary catheter. Who had an initial failure with his "urinary infuser"? (Karsten Brown, Front Royal) From whom would you not borrow tubing to siphon gas out of a tank? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) What medical pioneer valued his peers among all others? (Scott Keeter, Arlington) Who also invented the Flavor Straw? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Lorena Bobbitt or Mahatma Gandhi Who was the wrong person to tell: "Don't make trouble. Just lie back, be quiet, and think of England"? (Jackson Bross, Chevy Chase) Name a Virginia woman or a Hindu leader who was the center of a bloody uprising. (Joan and Frank Sellers, Falls Church) Which celebrity, living or dead, would be a bad choice as the next spokesperson for Esskay all-meat franks? (Paul B. Jacoby, Washington) Answer: Janet Reno's shoes. What did Eleanor Roosevelt donate to Goodwill in 1940? (Karen Kimmel-Militzer, Gaithersburg) What did William Sessions have surgically removed from his rear end? (Dan Shvodian, Bethesda) Answer: Oo-bop-a-loo-bop-a-loo-bop-boom. What is the sound of William Sessions going down a flight of stairs? (Tom Gearty, Washington) What was Alley Oop's name before Ellis Island? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Heidi Fleiss's notebook. What is something that men would overpay to get into and pay anything to get out of? (Larry Brett, Washington) What's the only place in Hollywood where Rodney Dangerfield comes before Harrison Ford? (Jacob Weinstein, Washington) Answer: Marion Barry, Vaclav Havel and that guy in the Taster's Choice ads. Who are the three latest men to reveal they are Bill Clinton's half-brothers? (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.; also, Karen K. Kirschenbauer, Middleburg) Quien es mas macho? (Pasky Pascual, University Park) Who are the only people Joe McGinniss interviewed for "The Last Brother"? (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Answer: Michael Jackson's face. What is Janet Jackson's face? (Mimi Murray, Charlottesville) What is Silicon Valley? (Tom Gearty, Washington) Answer: Don't Ask, Don't Tell. What is the dullest game show on TV? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Caption Crunch. ====================================================================== WEEK 28, published September 12, 1993 Week 28 : THE MOTHERS-IN-LAW OF REINVENTION To raise revenue, institute a two-drink minimum and $5 cover charge at White House state dinners. To promote tourism, rename the bad states to make them sound more inviting. New Jersey would become "East California." Utah would be "Sexland." To humanize our leaders and reduce government arrogance, pass a constitutional amendment requiring the president to wear short pants and a fez. Change the doctrine of "one man, one vote" to "one man, one beer." Require soldiers to car-pool into battle whenever possible. Were you as disappointed as we were by the Clinton administration's much-ballyhooed proposal to "reinvent government"? After all these many months, the best they can come up with are things like: "Reduce mohair subsidies"? Hey, if we are going to reinvent government, let's reinvent government. This week's contest: Propose some drastic change in government to help the economy or otherwise improve the quality of life in America. First-prize winner receives a T-shirt of an exploding pigeon from Hegins, Pa., plus a "humane mousetrap" from PETA, plus some plastic dog poop, a total value of about $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 28, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 25, in which we asked you to supply captions to any of four photographs we supplied. All runners-up, as well as the winner, refer to Photo B. Fourth Runner-up: Spring Break in Latvia (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Third Runner-up: Early auditions for "The Coneheads" movie went poorly. (Bob Leszczak, Burtonsville) Second Runner-Up: Controller of the Mars Observer mission continues to try to signal the errant spacecraft from mission control. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) First Runner-up: "Children of William Jefferson Blythe, unite!" (Christopher P. Nicholson, Arlington) And the winner of the eyeball-hologram watch: Robert Reich, diminutive secretary of labor, registers displeasure at the results of well-meaning but tragically inept medical efforts to help him grow another foot. (Fritz Stolzenbach, Arlington) Photo A: The DuPont Co. unveils its new line of Stainmaster poodles. (Tom Gearty, Washington) Socks's Secret Service guard. (Louise Trofimuk, Laurel) "This safe sex stuff has gone entirely too far." (James Christopher, Springfield) Superdog was foiled again as his approach was given away by the sound of his corduroy pants. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Photo B: The early days of the Klan. (Andi Wildt, Vienna) Caught cheating at the state cartwheel finals. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) "This is the prince. I'm looking for the woman whose head fits this boot." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Amazing photos show Rasputin using a Water Pic! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Early attempts to invent the shoehorn proved futile. (Bob Leszczak, Burtonsville) During the 1960s, the Berkeley cheerleading squad went all to hell. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) After being fully restored and cleaned, the Capitol dome statue was actually revealed to be a sculpture of a drunken Rutherford B. Hayes. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg) Photo taken during the famous "I Have a Delusion" speech. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Photo C: "Hmm. A cold fish as my next vice president? Worked for Clinton. Nope. Not gonna do it." (James Christopher, Springfield) Ex-President Bush displays the "rabbit" that attacked Jimmy Carter. (Louise Trofimuk, Laurel) "Isn't the 50th the Fish Anniversary, Barb?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) After Clinton played the sax on "Arsenio," President Bush tried to increase his hipness quotient by referring to his administration as "Country George and the Fish." (Douglas H. Ricker, Beltsville) Evoking memories of LBJ and his basset hounds, President Bush hoists Tex, the First Fish, by the gills. (Art Stern, Arlington) Photo D: "Okay, Mr. Quayle. We have wiped that silly smirk off your face." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "I told you not to play Rock-Paper-Scissors-Hand Grenade, didn't I? " (David Waldman, Silver Spring) Doctors put finishing touches on the world's first snowman-to- human head transplant. (Karsten Brown, Front Royal) Toilet-paper explosion survivor Josh Winkins considers himself blessed that he "wasn't sitting down when it went off." (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) And last: Having failed to "get a life" by conventional methods, contest geek Bob Zane attempts to have one surgically attached. (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Next Week: Casting About for an Idea. ====================================================================== WEEK 29, published September 19, 1993 Week 29: American Airlines -- "Our Fares are Plummeting." Trojan Brand Condoms -- "We're Bursting With Pride." Dateline NBC -- "We Make it Happen" Air Jordans -- The Greatest? You Bet! This week's contest: Advertising slogans that still need a little work. Come up with an unfortunate slogan for any real product, service, or organization. First-prize winner receives a life-size inflatable moose head, plus a red playground ball, a value of approximately $55. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 29, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Urgent secret message to anyone still reading the fine print: Send us a photocopy of your awful driver's license picture. Worst pix win nifty, bizarre prizes. Thank you. All entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 26, in which we asked you to cast a politician in a famous TV or movie role. Poor Al Gore. What a stiff. You cast him as Bernie the corpse in "Weekend at Bernie's." You cast him in the title role of "The Maltese Falcon." As the host of "The Ed Sullivan Show." As Hymie the Robot in "Get Smart." We appreciated, but did not reward with prizes, some charmingly inappropriate entries, such as Strom Thurmond as Tony Manero in "Saturday Night Fever." Winners did not merely resort to cheap puns (Jack Kemp as Hud in "Hud"), nor rely on simple superficial physical resemblances (James Carville as Hannibal Lecter; J. Edgar Hoover as Fred Mertz). And no, we will not dignify certain horribly cruel castings, such as the one submitted by Meg Nazdin of Rockville, about Marilyn Quayle. Mr. Ed, indeed! Fourth Runner-Up: Leon Panetta as Raymond in "Rain Man." (Gloria Chonka, White Plains, Md.) Third Runner-Up: Donna Shalala as Pat from "Saturday Night Live." (Zinie Chen, Richmond) Second Runner-Up: Yasser Arafat as Ringo Starr in any Ringo movie. START NOTE: wasn't this same notion in Reliable Source today?/sbf (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) First Runner-Up: Al Sharpton as The Mayor of the Munchkin City, in a county of the Land of Oz. (William Moschke, Grand Rapids, Mich.) And the winner of the peck of pickled peppers: Warren Christopher as Kukla, of "Kukla, Fran & Ollie." (John Mazza, Forestville, Md.) Honorable Mentions: Dan Quayle as the host of "Wheel of Fortune." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Millicent Fenwick as Popeye. (Richard E. Brock, Adelphi) Ross Perot as the banjo playing kid in "Deliverance." (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Michael Dukakis as Rod Serling on "The Twilight Zone." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Bill Clinton as the kid in "Honey, I Blew Up the Kid." (Joyce Rains, Bethesda) Joe Biden as Eddie Haskell in "Leave It to Beaver." (Deborah J. Curry, Alexandria) John Sununu as Norm on "Cheers." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Ruth Bader Ginsburg as Granny in "The Beverly Hillbillies." (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Antonin Scalia and Joe Biden as the crooks in "Home Alone." (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Warren Christopher as Pruneface in "Dick Tracy." (Gigi and David Thompson, Vienna) Barbara Mikulski as Babe Ruth in "The Babe." (Lynn Harding, Hyattsville) Nancy Reagan as the velociraptor cq/er in "Jurassic Park." (Laura Hoffman, Arlington) Deep Throat as Charlie on "Charlie's Angels." (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Ruth Bader Ginsburg as Gladys Ormphby cq/er from "Laugh-In." (John Crowley, Falls Church) And Last, J. Edgar Hoover as Mama Corleone in "The Godfather." (Mark Welch, Alexandria) Next: It's The Eponymy, Stupid. ====================================================================== WEEK 30, published September 26, 1993 Week 30: The Rorschach Of The Crowd This Week's Contest: Interpret any of these ink blots. If you rotate one, please indicate which end is up. First-prize winner receives a two-person horse costume for Halloween, a value of $90. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 30, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Urgent secret emergency message to anyone still reading the fine print: For reasons that will become apparent, we are desperate for funny material next week! Get your favorite jokes to us by Wednesday. The best will win a fine vintage toaster. Thank you. Now back to our regularly scheduled blather. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct 4. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 27, in which we asked you to coin eponyms, words based on the names of famous people. Fourth Runner-Up: STOCK!DALE noun The place your mind wanders off to when you daydream. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) Third Runner-Up: To CUO!MO verb To edge forward and back up repeatedly when attempting to turn onto a busy thoroughfare, to the annoyance of other drivers. (Peter Owen, Williamsburg) Second Runner-Up: DEE DEE noun Short, substanceless commentary. "I went to the press conference hoping for a good story, but all I got was dee dee." (Kate Sparks and Sarah Ducich, Washington, and Laura Sokol, Warsaw.) First Runner-Up: To PACK WOOD verb To be glad to see someone. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the giant flag of a cow: To SHA!LIK!A!SHVI!LI verb To ensure a low profile for a program or agency by appointing a director whose name no one can pronounce or spell or even fit in a headline. "We finally shalikashvilied the White House travel office by appointing Joe Bkistellzrtngounmr!" (Sharon Kuykendall, Takoma Park) Elvises: SPIN!O!ZA noun A philosophical underpinning used to support a specious statement or argument. "The White House put the old spinoza on reactions to the president's health care plan." (Stuart A. Segal, Vienna) HAM!LISCH MA!NEU!VER noun The hugging of oneself. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) LIM!BAUGH!GER noun A huge, soft white cheese with a very strong odor and flavor. Hard to digest. (Jeff Gold, Washington) GER!GEN!ZO!LA noun A smooth, bland cheese. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) To TED!DY verb To take off one's pants and act nonchalantly. "You know, I think Mike has been acting pretty weird lately. He's teddied before, but now he does it all the time at parties." (Nick Dierman, Potomac) To CHUNG verb To ruin something by making it too cute. "That was a great house till they chunged it up with Precious-Moment figurines." (Kate Sparks and Sarah Ducich, Washington, and Laura Sokol, Warsaw) To SU!NU!NU verb To fly long distances at government expense to keep an appointment with the family dentist. "I'm Sununuing at Martha's Vineyard this year." (John Kupiec, Springfield) TSONG noun A sensible melody that no one wants to hear. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) MC!GINN!ISS STOUT noun Faux beer. (Stefanie Weldon, Silver Spring) CLIN*TON noun A bulk unit of fast-food hamburgers, usu. 2,000 pounds. "Over four Clintons sold." (Larry Schuler, Fairfax) To SHAT!NER verb To chew the scenery, swallow it and convert it to fatty tissue. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) DOLE!BY noun A sound system used to amplify unwanted white noise. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) LOV!ETT noun Someone extremely lucky in love. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) HELMS!MAN noun Head of a knee-jerk conservative organization. (Linda and Eric M. Drattell, North Potomac) HAFT & HAFT noun A dairy creamer with a shelf-life of 40 years, after which it separates. (Joanne Findley, West River, Md.) ROBB noun A nude massage, and nothing else. "Mmmm, thank you Sven, dahling, you know I needed more than a robb." (David H. Green, Great Falls) AL!GO*RITHM METH!OD noun A system of birth control based on boring one's partner into disinterest. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville; also, Ken Linker, Falls Church) NIX!ON!ER!ATED verb, past tense Cleared of criminal responsibility while still remaining guilty and pernicious in the popular mind. "Ollie North was nixonerated in the Iran-contra affair." (Tom Gearty, Arlington) And Last: CHUCK!SMITH noun A collector of T-shirts. (Donald L. Thompson, Gaithersburg) CHUCK noun A T-shirt for losers, as popularized by Chuck Smith, Woodbridge. "The Chuck's in the mail." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) EL!VIS noun An honorable mention. "Dang! Not another Elvis!" (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Next Week: Some Desperate Attempt To Be Funny ====================================================================== WEEK 31, published October 3, 1993 WEEK 31: INVITATION TO A DUAL There are two kinds of people in the world ... ... People who talk about their colleagues and people who talk about people who talk about their colleagues. ... People without dentures and people who find Andy Rooney a hoot. ... People who are good with numbers, people who are bad with numbers, and people who are very, very bad with numbers. ... Carbon-based, and Michael Jackson. ... People who think they are God's gift to women, and women. ... Raw and cooked. This week's contest: Translate "Beowulf" from the original olde English. No, obviously, this week's contest is to divide the world into two types of people. To the best of our knowledge, this conceit was first used in 1962 by some shmendrick comedian who said there were two types of people in the world, people who have the toilet paper spool out from above and people who have it spool out from below. Much has occurred since 1962 to help us further oversimplify the world, so have at it lustily. If you do not get the concept here, do not be upset. There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who get it, and those who do not. First-prize winner receives one of those official American flags that have been flown over the U.S. Capitol for a few seconds, plus a certificate of its authenticity, a total value of about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 31, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 28, in which you were asked to come up with ways to reinvent government in order to save money or improve the quality of life in America. First, we'd like to say that you are all geniuses. We'd like to say that, but we cannot. We must report, with avuncular disapproval, that your entries this week were every bit as original and creative as a Bazooka Joe comic. As your thousands of doltish, pedestrian responses flooded our mail and fax machines, we panicked. Needing desperately to fill this space (we will not print unfunny things; this is just the way we are), deep in the fine print of the next contest, we inserted a pathetic plea for filler material. Two weeks ago we solicited bad photos from your driver licenses, and the best we got was from Linda K. Malcolm of Silver Spring, who apologized for how awful she looked, but it was a bad hair day, too early in the morning, she was feeling cranky etc. The photo was of Raymond Burr. Linda wins a plastic booger. The only other notable response came from the redoubtable Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, who appears, from his photograph, to be a woman. So last week, now wretchedly desperate, we again violated our fine print with requests for jokes, and of the dozens of jokes we received, this was the best: Q: "Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?" A: "It was dead." All in all, not a good week. Anyway, back to reinventing government. Third Runner-Up: To make Americans more secure abroad, create a small, mobile strike force of disgruntled postal workers. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Vanity postage stamps. (Nora Corrigan, Reston; also, Dave Ferry, Potomac) First Runner-Up: To balance the budget, make the new tax law retroactive to April 1925. (Douglas H. Ricker, Beltsville) And the winner of the exploding-pigeon T-shirt, the plastic dog poop and the humane mousetrap: To raise money and solve the problem of unwanted animals, follow the example of the architect of the Capitol, who runs ordinary flags up the national flagpole for a few seconds and then sells them: Take dogs and cats from the local shelters, stampede them through the White House and then market them as prestige pets." (E. Gaston, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: To reduce frivolous lawmaking, require members of Congress to wear lederhosen and yodel their bills on national television. (Hugh McAloon, Frederick) To save money, change the signs in the National Zoo to read, "Please Feed the Animals." (Paul Styrene, Olney) Stop paying for Secret Service agents; let Clinton pack heat. (Chase Squires, Arlington) To confirm Cabinet-level appointees, add a swimsuit competition. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) To revitalize the insurance industry, make all traffic lights green. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) To raise the national grade point average, drop geography from the curriculum. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) To camouflage and protect tourists, require all rental cars to have religious bumper stickers, mirror danglies, Garfield window dolls etc. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) To save gas, require that only clown cars can use the HOV lanes. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) NEXT WEEK: Your Triumphant Recovery. Ad Nauseam. ====================================================================== WEEK 32, published October 10, 1993 Week 32:Fatal Art Attack A man is crucified, with nails, to the back of a 1964 Volkswagen Beetle. A friend drives him around San Francisco. A naked man locks himself in a closet with a coyote. They howl. A puzzled crowd gathers. A priest conducts an elaborate wedding ceremony, complete with Scripture and organ music and best man and maid of honor, joining forever in holy matrimony the Statue of Liberty and a statue of Christopher Columbus. A woman shakes hands with every garbageman in New York City. A man circles the globe in a boat, dropping elaborately engraved boulders into the ocean, where they will sink to the bottom, never to be seen again unless the earth dries up, all life perishes, and we are visited by aliens. A man passes through his body an entire double-decker bus. He does this by chopping it into bite-size portions, and eating it. It takes five years. We thought of this week's contest after reading about a performance artist who got a $4,000 grant to paint feminist phrases on the sides of 70 cows, one word per cow, and then letting the cows graze so the words got jumbled. Is this a great country, or what? This week's contest: In 50 words or fewer, describe a performance art concept that might get public funding. Winners will be audacious enough to seem like art, but pretentious enough to seem to have a social "message." Hey, this can't be very hard. All of the examples above are real. Someone proposed them, someone funded them, and they got performed. First-prize winner receives an elegant, adult-size Fred Flintstone costume, delivered in time for Halloween, a value of about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 32, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 29, in which we asked you for unfortunate advertising slogans. Yeah, yeah. We know. "Eureka Vacuum Cleaners: We Really Suck." And, "Miami: A Vacation to Die For." Our rule of thumb is that if more than two people come up with the same idea, regardless of its wit, it flunks the originality test. So we cannot honor by name the four entrants who submitted this most excellent slogan: "Denny's. For People With Discriminating Taste." We also will not name the individual, well known to many of you, who gets a gigantic goose egg this week, a feeble zero, the big bagel, the toilet seat of shame, because he stank up the joint with his highly inadequate entries. Hahahaha. No shirts this week for your bulging closet, Mister I-Am-So-Clever-by-Half! Not that we are bitter. Sixth Runner-Up: "Miami. Gateway to Paradise." (Rick von Behren, Glenn Dale) Fifth Runner-Up: The Saturn. "Remember That First Car of Your Dreams? We Recall Ours." (Kurt Rabin, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: The City of Los Angeles. "We'll Treat You Like a King." (Michael R. Megargee, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: "Lincoln. The Cadillac of Cars." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: Trojan Condoms. "It's the One Your Father Used." (Christina Bahl, Columbia) First Runner-Up: Sears Auto Repair. "No Problem, We'll Fix It." (Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) And the winner of the life-size inflatable moose head: The Hubble Telescope Corp.: "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet!" (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Aquaban Diuretic: "We're Number One!" (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Otis Elevators: "We Won't Let You Down." (Mary Ann Curtin, Annapolis; also, Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) R.J. Reynolds Tobacco: "A Growth Industry." (Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village) Pepsi-Cola: "Don't Get Stuck With Any Other Soft Drink." (Gene Lesser, Falls Church; also, Holly Hacker, Rockville) Amtrak: "Take the Plunge!" (David M. Howe, Pittsburgh) Cellular One Telephone: "We Don't Give You a Lot of Talk." (Michael Scott, Arlington) "Switch to Clearasil. Break Out From the Pack." (Michael Scott, Arlington) Suzuki Samurai: "You'll Flip Over Our Low Prices." (Sheryl Katz, Washington; also, Katherine Fink, Burke) Midas Brakes: "There's No Stopping Us Now!" (Ed Leonardo, Arlington; also, Paul F. Krause, Fredericksburg) Bell Atlantic Cellular Phones: "When You Talk, We Listen." (Roz Jonas, Bethesda) Dinty Moore Beef Stew: "We Put a Little Bit of Ourselves Into Everything We Do!" (Anne-Marie Da Costa, Fairfax Station) Weight Watchers: "Join Us. You Can't Lose." (Walter H. Kopp, Annandale) AT&T: "We Stay Busy for You." (Walter H. Kopp, Annandale) Denny's: "A Taste of the Old South." (Tony Buckley, Washington) Michelin: "Going Flat Out to Keep Your Business." (Peggy Hyde, Charlottesville) Schick Razors: "A Cut Above the Rest." (Fran Ludman, Baltimore) Chiquita Bananas: "We'll Spoil You Rotten." (Michael Fribush, Burtonsville) Packwood Reelection Committee: "Keeping in Touch With Our Constituents." (Michael R. Megargee, Arlington) Next Week: The Rorschach of the Crowd. ====================================================================== WEEK 33, published October 17, 1993 Week 33: Post Impressionism. If the Lincoln assassination had been covered by Tony Kornheiser: SIC SEMPER ABSURDIS By Tony Kornheiser The other day I was thinking about myself, how I'm kind of bald and fat, not needing-a-forklift-to-get-outta-bed fat, just kind of soft and blubbery and with a lot of ear wax. Anyway, in comes my friend Nancy, which is not her real name because I made her up, and she tells me that some no-talent putz of an actor with a mustache like cow cud has administered a hot-lead noogie to President Abraham "Yes, My Name is Abe But I Didn't Go to No Yeshiva" Lincoln, who ... This week's contest: Give us the opening lines of a big story from American history as it might have been written by someone whose work appears in the Washington Post. Maximum 100 words. You must choose one of three news stories: "Lincoln Assassinated," "Stock Market Crashes" or "Man Walks on Moon." You may choose any writer you wish: Richard Cohen. Miss Manners. Buchwald. Barry. Broder. The Reliable Source. Why Things Are. The Post editorial board. Anyone at all, anywhere in the paper. First-prize winner gets "Mickey's Clock Shop," a yammering plastic Christmas display featuring Mickey, Goofy, Pluto and Donald singing 40 festive seasonal songs in a ceaseless, tinny soprano. A value of $99, this is our finest prize to date, with the possible exception of the two-person horse costume. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 32, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071 or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 30, in which you were asked to interpret any of four Rorschach ink blots. Disturbing results. Thousands of entries, many of them too crude to publish -- even for the Style Invitational, which traffics proudly in subliminal poopy jokes. The things you saw in these innocuous blots! And you were unnervingly synchronous: More than a dozen of you turned Blot C upside down and saw "Ross Perot in a pith helmet explaining his economic program, using Richard Nixon hand puppets." Frankly, it weirded us out. *Seventh Runner-Up: (Ink Blot A) Brain surgery by corkscrew, a money-saving procedure under the Clinton health plan (Patricia Smith, Fairfax Station) *Sixth Runner-Up: (Ink Blot A, upside down) Bill Clinton's Harley, with training wheels (Ken Wood, Columbia) *Fifth Runner-Up: (Ink Blot C) Minnie Mouse at the gynecologist (Wendy Borsari, Washington; also, Dave Zarrow, Herndon, and Heidi Moore, Alexandria) *Fourth Runner-Up: (Ink Blot D) J. Edgar Hoover, playing "I'm a Little Teapot" (Sue Davis, Beltsville) *Third Runner-Up: (Ink Blot D) The avenging angel of clubbed baby seals (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) *Second Runner-Up: (Ink Blot D, upside down) A rabbinical student flexes his muscles for the much-coveted Mr. Tel Aviv trophy (Matthew J. Peterkin, Washington) *First Runner-Up: (Ink Blot C) "I can't keep going and going and going. My feet are killing me!" (James H. McDonough, Indian Head) And the winner of the two-person horse costume:(Ink Blot C) Disney horror! Mickey Mouse spotted carrying two severed heads! (Steven King, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: Ink Blot A: Carmen Miranda on a bad fruit day (Dan and Lecia Harbacevich, Stephens City, Va.; also, Claire Timms, Fredericksburg) Dogs' spit-in-the-cup contest (Ann Hall, Fort Belvoir) The Mayan god of panhandlers (Gregory Dunn and Karen Wright, Alexandria) Two Bavarian beer drinkers with big hangovers (Barbara Kallas, Washington) Ink Blot B: Socks found "sleeping" on Pennsylvania Avenue (Bob & Lisa Waters, Andrews Air Force Base) Socks, after 10 minutes in the dryer (Lynne DePaso, Herndon) (upside down) Olive Oyl on the cotton-candy weight gain plan (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Garfield the Sailor Man (Bill Myrons, Crofton; also, Adam Hirschfeld, Annandale) (upside down) Lani Guinier, cheerleader (Joyce Small, Herndon) The Tasmanian devil at ballet class (Beth Tucker, Manassas) Ink Blot C: (upside down) The Big Bad Wolf polishes off that first little piggy (Mike Thring, Leesburg) "Attack rabbit" as seen by Jimmy Carter (Stu Segal, Vienna) New, non-threatening Tailhook convention logo (Robin D. Grove, Washington) (upside down) Bob Dole (Elizabeth Rangan, Dayton, Md.) Ink Blot D (upside down) The director of "Roseanne" backs the star into her chair through hand signals (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A Lamb-Chop-skin rug (Dan and Lecia Harbacevich, Stephens City, Va.) Cabbage Patch roadkill (Katherine Struck, Columbia) ====================================================================== WEEK 34, published October 24, 1993 WEEK 34: INSPECT A GADGET THIS WEEK'S CONTEST -- Tell us: What do these machines do? Choose one, or more than one. Winner receives a handsome first edition of "A Practical Book for Practical People," an eccentric volume published in 1895 containing celebrity monographs on such topics as "Tariff Legislation," "An Oration on Christopher Columbus," "The Importance of Sincerity," "How to Grow Potatoes" "The Rights of Married Women" (she may sign contracts, but in Rhode Island her note is not valid absent consent of her husband) and "The Proper Pronunciation of Commonly Used Words" ("yclept" and "zoave," for example). Because Mary Ann the Lawyer requires this, we hereby assign this obviously priceless prize an arbitrary value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 34, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. (Mary Ann the Lawyer also requires us to say this, though it is absurd on its face. As if, in homes all over greater Washington each Sunday, the following conversation occurs: "Where are you going, dear?" "To the local public library so that I may enter The Style Invitational without spending a buck and a half.") Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 31, in which we asked you to divide the world into two types of people. For some reason, this contest, more than most, encouraged the flogging of dead horses and grinding of ideological axes. "Vegetarians, and ruthless murderers." "Those who teach, and those who couldn't do what they do if they hadn't been taught." Not to mention the always charming "Women, and rapists." One excellent entry was submitted by three people and therefore narrowly failed the recently established only-one-per-thousand-entries originality test: "People who leave the seat up, and people who fall in." There are two kinds of people in the world: Sixth Runner-Up: People who can't do anything right, and their mothers. (Nora Corrigan, Reston) Fifth Runner-Up: People who support Ross Perot, and sleazy space aliens out to ruin his daughter's wedding. (Chase Squires, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: People opposing abortion but favoring the death penalty, and people approving of abortion but opposing the death penalty. (Chas. A. Henry, Fairfax Station) Third Runner-Up: People with short attention spans. (David and Janie Honigs, Hagerstown) Second Runner-Up: People who wish they were married, and people who wish they were single. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: Friends of Bill, and relatives of Bill. (Donald Courtney, Olney) And the Winner of the official flag flown over the Capitol: People who preferred when Miss America contestants had their hair and makeup done for them by professionals, and people who wish that the contestants be required to do their own hair and makeup after being blindfolded and spun around until they are dizzy, as part of the "talent" competition. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.) Honorable Mentions: Below-average people, and grandchildren. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) People who understand Dave Barry when, as Mr. Language Person, he tries to warn us about the imminent danger of COW'S cq that are at this very moment EXPLODING inside your neighbor's COMMODE!, and people who understand George Will. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) People who dress shabbily, and people who can't afford designer clothes. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Solipsists. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) People who are good at grammar, and people whom are not good at grammar. (Mike Sacks, Washington) Women, and men who don't have the courage to have a sex change. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Normal people, and people with bumper stickers that say "I < my pygmy goat." (Steve Wangsness, Arlington) People who think Elvis Presley is alive, and people who think Paul McCartney is. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) Oliver Stone, and conspirators. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) People who know how to drive, and hazardous-chemical truck drivers. (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Those who can read others' thoughts, and those who laugh behind my back but will feel the purifying fire. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Itchy, and scratchy. (Mandy Dramstad, Washington) People who win the lottery, and people who win the plastic dog poop. (E. Gaston, Alexandria) And Last: Egotistical, self-absorbed megalomaniacs who need to get their names in the paper, and "Steven King, Alexandria." (Steven King, Alexandria) ====================================================================== WEEK 35, published October 31, 1993 Week 35: Light At The End? This week's contest: Tell the federal government what it should do with the 14-mile-long, 15-foot-diameter sausage-shaped tunnel it dug near Waxahachie, Tex., for the Superconducting Super Collider project that was scrapped by Congress last week. 1. End world hunger by using it to make the world's largest bratwurst. 2. A Habitrail for rhinoceroses. 3. A very large diagram to explain to residents of the American southwest what a bagel looks like. 4. Lay down 15 miles of cheap, fuzzy carpet and make it a laboratory to unravel the mysteries of static electricity. 5. Build a really big city on top and make it the world's largest municipal septic tank. First-prize winner receives three terra cotta lawn pigs, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 35, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 8. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Hi! This is the Faerie of the Fine Print. Do you have a really really bad middle name? Send your name, with proof (such as a photocopy of your birth certificate or driver's license). Dorkiest names get losers' T-shirts. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 31, in which you were asked to come up with concepts for performance art audacious enough to seem like art, but pretentious enough to get public funding. Fourth Runner-Up: A man dressed as a police officer goes into Arlington National Cemetery, stopping at each tombstone and saying, "You have the right to remain silent." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Third Runner-Up: Seven bistro-style tables surrounded by chairs are randomly arranged in a room. People are laughing, talking, eating and drinking. Suspended above them is a six-foot Plexiglas cube. Inside, a naked man hangs upside down by ankle shackles. He is smoking. He smokes until the glass box is filled with smoke and he can no longer be seen. The title of the piece is "Smoking Section." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Second Runner-Up: The poor are invited to a picnic featuring free watermelons, and are photographed randomly. They do not know that the watermelons were grown from seeds that have passed through the digestive systems of members of Congress. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: Five million yards of gold lame' are used to sew an evening gown for the J. Edgar Hoover Building. (Jan Verrey, Arlington) And the winner of the Fred Flintstone costume: A woman advertises a major speech on health care reform. When the 10,000-seat arena fills up, she stands at the lectern clearing her throat, tap-tapping the mike, and saying, "Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?" until every last member of the audience gets embarrassed and leaves. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: A major art exhibit is scheduled, featuring many famous paintings. The paintings are displayed, but turned to face the wall, so only the backs of the canvases can be seen. Air is pumped into the gallery from the men's room of a nearby Mexican restaurant. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Two cars are hitched together with a towing bar. One artist gets in each of the cars, and they drive up and down the interstate in HOV-2 lanes. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) A man attempts to place an entire side of beef in the overhead bin of a full shuttle flight to New York. (Stu Segal, Vienna) A box is placed on display in a museum. The cover is closed, but not locked. A sign below the box explains that there is a magnificent painting inside, but that the box is booby-trapped. The instant it is opened, acid will spatter the artwork, ruining it. (Brian Easter, Centreville) A deaf woman gives a dramatic sign-language rendition of the "I Have a Dream" speech to a room full of blind Ku Klux Klan members. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) A woman dressed as a meter maid places $5 bills and "Thank you for parking in D.C." fliers on all cars parked on downtown streets. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) A man dressed as the Easter Bunny drives a VW bus through tollbooths without paying until he gets arrested. A man dressed as the Tooth Fairy comes to bail him out. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) A man and a woman play "Rock Paper Scissors Match" to the death. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) A man writes a check, made out to himself, for the precise amount of the national debt. He tries to cash it at a bank. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg) The following phrase is displayed on buses and billboards throughout the city: "If you don't like this then you don't understand it." (Mark Horowitz, Los Angeles) A man goes from one government agency to another applying for work using the voice and mannerisms of Curly from the Three Stooges. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) And Last: A man goes to work every weekday for 45 years, receives a gold watch, and dies. (Dick Chenoweth, Silver Spring) NEXT WEEK: Post Impressionism. ====================================================================== WEEK 36, published November 7, 1993 Week 36: Scam on Wry 1. Chisel onto stone tablets Bill Clinton's inaugural speech, translated into Sanskrit, and bury it at the site of a present archaeological dig. 2. Make a sign that says "Valet Parking." Rent a tuxedo. Stand outside a fancy restaurant. Some person will give you his nice car. Drive it away. 3. Walk into an ethnic restaurant and saunter past diners into the kitchen, carrying a cat in a cage. 4. Tell Bob Packwood that there is an attractive woman out there who thinks he should be forgiven and wants to date him. When he gets all lathered up, send over Lorena Bobbitt. This week's contest: Come up with a trick you can play, for fun, profit, or deliverance of a well-needed comeuppance. This was inspired by an entry to last week's contest submitted by Mike Merman, of College Park. Mike wins some "Snot Candy" in an attractive plastic nose. First-prize winner receives a plastic clock with a tasteful Last Supper motif, including plastic cherubs, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 36, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Hi. This is the Faerie of the Fine Print, again. Any more dorky middle names out there? Send us your middle name, with proof, and maybe win a loser's t-shirt. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 33, in which you were asked to cover the moon landing, the Lincoln assassination or the stock market crash in the style of someone whose work regularly appears in the Washington Post. One comment: You should all be lined up against a wall and shot. Fourth Runner-Up Bob Levey's Washington Mary Todd Lincoln has a suggestion for the folks at Ford's Theatre. Seems Mrs. Lincoln was attending a play at the theater last week when an assassin shot her husband. Mrs. Lincoln believes the whole thing could have been avoided if Ford's adopted a policy requiring assassins to check their weapons. How 'bout it, Ford's?(Elizabeth C. Kelley, Silver Spring) Third Runner-Up: Free for All Dissing Mary Todd In your report on President Lincoln's death, you describe Mary Todd Lincoln's attire as "tight-bodiced." I question whether a similar description of the snugness of President Lincoln's trousers would merit inclusion if the roles were reversed. -- Jane Smith (Mike Megargee, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: By Colman McCarthy Mourn not for Lincoln. As a young man, the future dictator murdered rabbits for "food" and "clothes" rather than eat and wear the plentiful and tasty acorns, twigs and dirt of his native Kentucky ... (John McMahon, Warrenton) First Runner-Up: Moonlight Becomes Me By Richard Cohen As a boy growing up in New York, I felt a certain possessiveness concerning the moon. It shone more brightly not just on me, but on friends and neighborhood as well. I vividly remember an important occasion involving the moon. The eve of my bar mitzvah. That night, trying on my very first new suit, a shiny blue serge job, I recall the moonlight reflecting off the material. I had become one with the cosmos. Years later, when Man actually walked on my moon, as an American I felt proud. Yet, somehow, violated. This dichotomy ... (Peter Charles, Alexandria) And the Winner of Mickey's Clock Shop: CARTOON OF THE FAR SIDE ... Suddenly, Neil's day took a turn for the worse. (Stephen Licht, Kensington) Honorable Mentions: Gentiles Walk on Moon By Richard Cohen While on vacation in Berlin last week -- where, I might add, the women's couture is less dowdy than that of Washington, but lacks that certain gnadiges plutzenheimersheit of, say, Paris -- I was reminded of the carefree days of my youth, some 25 years after Hitler invaded Poland... . (Kitty Thuermer, Washington.) Bob Levey's Washington Hey, folks! Here's this month's neologism contest: You're a Wall Street stockbroker, and you've just been ruined in the big crash. Bereft of hope, you leap off the roof of your downtown office building. As you plummet toward certain death, that funny little tickly feeling you get in your stomach is called ... The winner receives an all-expense-paid lunch for two with yours truly at the soup kitchen of his or her choice. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) By Judy Mann As I was reading The Washington Post today, noticing yet again that all the meaty articles were written by men, my daughter rushed over to tell me the news she had just heard on the TV set in the den. (Den: Such a masculine word!) A man had walked on the moon. I shouldn't have been surprised that a man was doing the walking. Yes, men walk, leaving women to fend for themselves, while they go on to marry younger women ... (Barbara Rich, Charlottesville) Federal Diary, by Mike Causey: Civil Servants Walk on Moon ... (Dan Harbacevich, Stephens City) The Reliable Source April was a bad month for ... Abraham Lincoln (Joyce Small, Herndon) And Last: Style Invitational, Report from Week 17, in which you were asked to come up with President Lincoln's probable last words: Second Runner-Up: "Did you hear something, Mary?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: "You've got a headache?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of a big wad of leftover rebel hardtack: "Aw, I need a bodyguard like a need a hole in my head." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) (Stan Capper, Waldorf) Next Week: Inspect A Gadget ====================================================================== WEEK 37, published November 14, 1993 Week 37: A State of Disgrace State name: "New Colombia" State Bird: The snipe. Or, the grouse. State Slogan: "The Shoot-Me State." Also, "The Totally Square State." State Flower: The Pink Parking Ticket. State Capital: Kinko's Copy Center at 4250 Connecticut Ave. NW State Joke: How many residents of New Colombia does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Five. One to screw in the bulb, one to chronicle the exploit in a press release, one to indignantly deny that anyone screwed anything, one to smoke a giant loaf of "crack," and Lorena Bobbitt. Early next year, we are reliably informed, Congress is likely to take up the matter of statehood for D.C. We contend the proposed state name of "New Columbia" is not sufficiently descriptive for the nation's capital. Moreover, no serious thought has been given to other equally important considerations. This Week's Contest -- Propose any of the following: A State Name. A State Flower. A State Bird. A State Slogan. A State Capital. A Governor. An insulting state joke. Best single item gets a framed photograph of Gov. Marion Barry, personally autographed by Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, unless the winner is Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, in which case the photograph will be autographed by Gary Patishnock of Laurel. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 37, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Last call for dorky middle names. Send them to The Style Invitational, Faerie of The Fine Print, with proof, and maybe win a loser's T-shirt. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 34, in which you were asked to tell us what any of these four gadgets did. Eighth Runner-Up: They are obviously sequential. Gadget 3 is "Star Wars" program as designed under Ronald Reagan. Gadget 1 is "Star Wars" program as modified under George Bush. Gadget 2 is "Star Wars" program redesigned and approved by Congress for $1.2 billion. Gadget 4 is actual "Star Wars" implemented after spending $ 4.3 billion. (David Graziano, Springfield) Seventh Runner-Up: Gadget 3 is the world's most obvious trick squirting flower. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Sixth Runner-Up: Gadget 1 is a pooper scooper for a dog with a colostomy. (Lee Rainie and Rich Folkers, McLean and Kensington) Fifth Runner-Up: Gadget 4 is a working model of the government's latest proposal to balance the budget. (Bob Ambler, Gaithersburg) Fourth Runner-Up: Gadget 1 is the Energizer Bunny, as built in Mexico under NAFTA. Notice the sombrero. It keeps going and g (Joan and Frank Sellers, Falls Church) Third Runner-Up: Gadget 1 is a tragically misdirected NASA probe to Pluto. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; also, Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: Gadget 3 is the "Wedding Disruptor" worn by the flower guy at the ceremony of Ross Perot's daughter. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) First Runner-Up: Gadget 3, designed at a cost of $2.6 billion by the McDonnell-Douglas Corp. at the request of the Pentagon, is the long-awaited armed services "Pansy Detector." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) And the winner of the bizarre 1895 book, "A Practical Book for Practical People": Gadget 2 -- Instruction: Welcome to your new machine. Steps a) to e) are in order to convenience you. Number a) is to start the turn. Place b) to gear in precise and careful to hear the satisfactory noise. c) Shoe part. Make the balance part d) therefore the toe of shoe part to point in similar direction to aperture f). Look! Danger to reverse this process. When all is connection, platform e) will benefit the result. (The Reef family, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: Gadget 1: The Ray-O-Vac Puppy. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel; also Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) A device to help firemen find hydrants on crowded urban streets. (Bob Ambler, Gaithersburg) A Golden Receiver. (Donna Costlow, Washington) NASA's newest satellite tracking system, preparing for yet another "fetch" mission. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) The Chia TV. (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Hubble the Space Dog. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg) A typographical error in a NASA invoice leads government contractors to design a Solid Poopellant Rocket Launcher. (Paula Rubinoff, Oakton) Gadget 2: Automatic Monopoly token advancer (shown with "shoe"). (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) I don't know what it does, but we have one at work. It breaks at least once a week. (Fil Feit, Annandale) "How a Bill Becomes Law." (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Random Comic Insertion Programmer -- This device ensures that the Washington Post comics will never be placed in the same section during the weekdays. (John Anders, Westminster) Gadget 3: "Depends" enters the 21st century. (Hugh McAloon, Frederick) RoboBee. (Dan Thomas, Woodstock, Md.) Halloween accessory: Pre-frontal lobotomy or Treat! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Department of Defense specification watering can. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Human Squirt gag. Large flowers often wear these on the lapel. (Vincent Rivellese, Washington) Lets the wearer know what Bill Clinton is thinking. (Currently leaning left, looking over his shoulder, pointing in two directions, getting attention for his haircut, handling Flowers surprisingly well and weighted down by think tanks.) (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) Gadget 4: A Picasso portrait of Madonna. (James Day, Gaithersburg) Playtex crossed the support of a push-up bra with the comfort of a pastie. (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) New environmentally safe unleaded lead weights. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Ross Perot trial balloon. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Since the black box always survives the crash, the entire aircraft, with the exception of the balloons, is made of the black box. (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Prince's new middle name. (Chas. A. Henry, Fairfax Sation) And Last: Gadget 4: The next Style Invitational Prize, valued at $50. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville; also Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Next Week: Pranks for the Memories. ====================================================================== WEEK 38, published November 21, 1993 Week 38: Ask Backwards II Mexico, Canada and Burkina Faso The Fattest Human Being On Earth Anywhere He Wants To A Great Big Sucking Sound Th-Th-Th-That's All, Folks Sharon Stone's Drawers The Archbishop of Canterbury, and Beavis. Goofy Honk If You Like Feldspar Yasser Arafat and Me Yogi Berra and St. Francis of Assisi My Other Car Is a Giraffe Nine Janet Renos Frank Sinatra, Eva Braun and Morley Safer Ho Ho Ho Funny You Should Ask This week's contest: Our first variation on a theme. You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are your answers. What are the questions? Answer one, or more than one. First-prize winner gets a professional magician's guillotine with which to amaze your friends by cutting off your own hand, nose, etc., a value of $80. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 38, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print wishes to announce that no further entries for the Dorkiest Middle Name Contest will be accepted unless they are really, really funny. The Faerie also wishes to rebuke the reader who identified herself as Etta "Just Give Me the Lawn Pigs and No One Gets Hurt" Saunders, of Culpeper, Va.. Well, we checked with the Bureau of Vital Statistics and learned that her full name is really Etta "Just Give Me the Puke Candy" Saunders, of Culpeper. The Puke Candy is in the mail, Etta. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 35, in which you were asked to propose a use for the 14-mile-long, 15-foot-wide sausage-shaped tunnel the federal government dug under Waxahachie, Tex., for the Super Collider project scrapped by Congress last month. Because of the Style Invitational's hallowed reputation for accuracy and integrity, we were forced to disqualify several worthy entries that were based upon the incorrect assumption that the tunnel is a completed circle. The best of these was submitted by John Hoover and Kathleen Akerley of Chevy Chase: "Coat the ground with ice and have National Hockey League players compete to see which of them have a hard enough slap shot to knock out their own teeth from behind." Many of you submitted reprehensible entries that proposed luring various people (Perot, Limbaugh, Stern etc.) into the tunnel, and then sealing it shut. These ideas were far too hostile to dignify by printing, except possibly for the one submitted by Mike Thring of Leesburg, who suggested doing this with a Trekkie convention. And last, a heartfelt apology to Tom Gearty of Washington, whom we neglected to credit for suggesting last week's contest to come up with a state name, flower, slogan, etc. for the District of Columbia. Tom informed us of this oversight via fax, including a dated and certified copy of his original proposal, and just to be sure, he followed this up with a phone call. No doubt, Tom has by now contacted a squad of copyright-infringement attorneys. And so we wish to announce that Yes, By Jove, It Was Tom's Idea, and Tom's Idea Alone, And Tom Wins a Bottle of Whine. Er, wine. Third Runner-Up: Tell Ross Perot that the "Mole Men" who tried to disrupt his daughter's wedding live in the tunnel. He'll take it from there. (Robert Walker, Fairfax) Second Runner-Up: Run a marathon through it, giving new meaning to the phrase "hitting the wall." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) First Runner-Up: The Texas School Bus Depository. (Kurt Rabin, Arlington) And the Winner of the Terra Cotta Lawn Pigs: Rename it the Martha Washington Monument. (Michael Sweet, Rockville) Honorable Mentions: Put a goal line at either end. Establish the World Underground Football League (WUFL). Disadvantages: Games would be very long, or there would be a lot of 0-0 ties. Advantages: Field goals would be almost impossible. (Peter Ramsberger, Alexandria) Draw mastodons on the wall with charcoal. Seal it up and forget it. (Gary Desilets, Woodbridge) Fill with water and use as Federal Divining Rod Test Facility. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) "The 19th Hole," a 14-mile, par-500 miniature golf course. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Satellite parking for RFK Stadium. (Maggie Wolff Peterson, Winchester, Va.) Fill it with whipped cream, then stretch a canvas over the entrance, and paint a big tunnel opening, creating the world's largest practical joke. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Correctly claim that it was dug by a primitive people, and sell admission tickets. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Designate the hole as the nation's official place to test glow-in-the-dark watches and vampire teeth. (Chase Squires, Rockville) Advertise it as a shortcut to Hell and see who shows up. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Place giant ben-wa balls in it to appease Mother Nature during earthquakes. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Find a "sniper's nest" in it and close the case on JFK's assassination. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Flood with salt water, fill with galleons and costumed animated figures. Charge admission to "Pirates of Waxahachie." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Use it as a research lab to investigate other burning questions of national importance, such as: Do guns kill people, or do people kill people? Will NAFTA revitalize oureconomyandallowustoshootintothetwentyfirstcenturylikeaspectacularmeteor or will it completelydestroythenationleavingitaruinedshellofamoraldepravity? Is it true that fetuses can play solitaire six weeks after conception? If a tree falls in a tunnel, does it make a noise? (Peter Ramsberger, Alexandria) Sentence Lorena Bobbitt to 30 years of being chased around the tunnel by Oscar Mayer. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Roll a 14-foot-diameter steel ball around the track behind a group of marathon runners. The U.S. high-tech version of the running of the bulls in Pamplona. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Convert to "Super Bird and Window Collider." (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Give the tunnel its own NFL expansion football team, just to spite Baltimore. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Offer it for sale to the 37 other states that were willing to beg, borrow or steal to win original congressional approval for the project. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) An indoor race track for Shriners on tricycles. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Cut a slot in the top and use it as a suggestion box for how to fix the Redskins. (William Osborn, Alexandria) Something with Joey Buttafuoco. (Jim Henley, Silver Spring) And Last: Fill with ear wax. Offer as Style Invitational prize, valued at $50. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Next Week: Pranks for the Memories. ====================================================================== WEEK 39, published November 28, 1993 Week 39: Way Outside the Lines Prozac Description: Rose-colored. No hint of blue. Honky White Description: Completely colorless. Mort Halperin Pink Description: Not pink, exactly. But not entirely red, white and blue, if you get our drift. Liberal Gilt Description: Gold, but not ostentatious. James Brown Description: Really, really black. This week's contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a photograph of an elephant pooping. Elden disdainfully notes that after a nationwide search for ideas, the manufacturers of Crayola Crayons (creators of "Burnt Sienna" and "Raw Umber" and other bewildering touchstones of our youth) have come up with 16 cutesy-poo new colors, including "Tickle Me Pink," "Asparagus" and "Macaroni and Cheese." We think you can do better. Name a new crayon color for the 1990s, with a description. First-prize winner gets a five-foot-long replica of a Crayola crayon, a value of approximately $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 39, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 36, in which you were asked to come up with clever pranks for fun, profit or delivery of a well-needed comeuppance. Many of your entries were shockingly immature and hostile to the point of indecency. Congratulations. Third Runner-Up: Construct an authentic-looking Denver boot and drive around Washington with it on your car. (Frank Rodriguez, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: Replace the carbon monoxide in Dr. Kevorkian's tank with helium. (Steven King, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: Call a service station and report that your engine is "sort of, like, sneezing" and the transmission is "jitterbugging a little" and you are a silly little goose who knows nothing about cars but will pay whatever is required to fix it. When the mechanic excitedly tells you to bring it in, say you might be able to bring it in by the end of the day. Then call that evening and postpone it one more day. Repeat every day for six years. (Mary Ellen Hughes, Gambrills) And the winner of the battery-powered Last Supper clock with matching plastic wall sconces: On the day Disney's new theme park opens after two years of shameless ballyhoo, arrive there with lots of spare nuts and bolts in your pockets. Every time you go on a ride, fling hardware from it, making sure to leave a handful on the seat. (Kirby Lamb, McLean) Honorable Mentions: Start a movement to get Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell to change his last name because it is offensive to people of Scottish heritage that a Native American is using their name. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Give fillet knives as wedding gifts. (Maria L. Rowan, Kensington) Stand in the middle of a crowded movie theater and yell, "Chuckie, I told you to leave Willard at home! How do you expect me to find a rat in the dark?" (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Visit the driveway of someone who brags about having moved to a low-crime area. Paint a dead man's silhouette in chalk. (Frank Rodriguez, Woodbridge) While on a commercial airliner that is experiencing engine trouble, even one that is making an emergency landing, stand up in your seat and shout, "Now you will take the New Mexico raisin growers seriously!" (Matthew J. Linn, Arlington) Sneak into Gov. William Donald Schaefer's bedroom late at night and replace every calendar with one reading Nov. 4, 1992. Awaken him by yelling that newly reelected President Bush has just called. When he protests, say that a Clinton presidency must have been all a bad dream, that Bush wants Schaefer to be secretary of the interior, but the word has leaked and ABC wants him to make a statement in time for "Good Morning America." Dial Sam Donaldson, hand the phone to Schaefer and depart quietly. (N. Peter Whitehead, Alexandria) Call the animal shelter and ask how many dogs and cats are available for adoption. Turn away from the receiver and ask, "How much per pound did you say we can get?" (Frank Rodriguez, Woodbridge) Call Larry King and suggest some guests he should have on upcoming shows. See how many times you can get him to refer to someone as a "good friend," someone he talks to all the time, then explain to him that every person you've named has been dead for years. (Michael Hunter, Washington) Dress up as Barney, go to the mall, tell kids Santa isn't coming because Barney ripped his head off. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.) Send Ross Perot an anonymous message threatening to disrupt the conception of his grandchild. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Get a number of cats with the same colors and markings as Socks. Release them at various points on the block surrounding the White House. Watch the tourists and Secret Service scramble. (Jim Reynolds, Oakton) Contact CNN at noon on Nov. 25, with breaking news that the little pop-up thermometers on frozen turkeys have been discovered to be used hypodermic needles. (Patricia Smith, Fairfax Station) Run into a crowded firehouse and yell, "Movie!" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And last: Submit an entry to The Style Invitational that meets none of the criteria for that week's contest, has no original idea, and is not even really an entry at all. (John Cushing, Washington) NEXT WEEK: A State of Disgrace? ====================================================================== WEEK 40, published December 5, 1993 WEEK 40: NOT WRONG. JUST INCORRECT. White House to Be Renamed "Multicultural House" Th-Th-That's All, Folks Warner Bros. Kills Off Porky Pig; Character Deemed Insulting to People With Speech Impediments Spic and Span Banned From Grocery Shelves Packers Concede 'Insensitivity'; Team to Change Name Washington Plans Monument to 'Persons Who Have Been Offended by Something' All these headlines are real. Okay, they're not really real, but you were just about ready to believe them, weren't you? This week's contest: What's next on the political correctness agenda? First-prize winner gets the cow parts game, the cracker thrower and the nose spreader from Dave Barry's Gift Guide, plus a copy of this page autographed by Dave Barry, a value of about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 40, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. The Faerie of The Fine Print resents being imprisoned in the agate type, deep in this contemptible feature. The Czar gets all the glory, and the Faerie does all the work. The Faerie has a sense of humor, too. Knock knock. Who's there? Your underwear. Your underwear who? Your underwear the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent. Hahahaha. Chew on that one, Czar. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 37, in which we asked for a name, a capital, a flower, a slogan and a governor for the great state of Washington, D.C., plus a state joke. No one came up with a decent candidate for governor. The closest was Jim Kolb, of Derwood, who suggested lawyer "Boogie" Weinglass, because he has the coolest name. This is no way to select a governor, Jim. Americans prefer the more conventional method of picking the person with the squarest head. A lot of duplications in this contest. (Flower: The Croakus. Bird: The Robbin'. Slogan: The "Right to Remain Silent" State.) The runners-up are in the postcard below. State name wins the photo of Gov. Barry, autographed by Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, who incidentally proposed this as the State Song: "Bitch Set Me Up, Up & Away." The Winners: State Name: New Crimea (Peggy Hyde, Charlottesville; also, Gene Lawhun, Gainesville) State Bird: The Great Horny Coot (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) State Capital: Department of Motor Vehicles Waiting Room (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) State Slogan: "A Work-Free Drug Place" (Harry Chesnoff, Great Falls) State Flower: FTD Funeral Bouquet (C. Douglas Baker, College Park; also, Kara and Sam McWhorter, Greenbelt) State Joke: "How many New Crimea cab drivers does it take to change a light bulb?" "Vair ees light bulb, pliss?" (Anthony Roisman, Washington) Honorable Mentions: State Name New Gimme (Joyce A. Sauter, Lusby, Md.) Meterland (Andre Jones, Cambridge, Md.) Tysons III (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Rhode Island Jr. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.) New Hades (Kevin Smith, Manassas) State Bird: The Heroin (Paula Rubinoff, Oakton) The Cicada (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) The Razor-Tongued Columnist (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Ruffled Grouch (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Common In-Tern (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The police helicopter (Mrs. Myron's third-period civics class, Carl Sandburg Intermediate School, Alexandria) The Tufted Blond Page (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) State Capital D.C. Traffic Adjudication (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) State Slogan: "Expect Delays" (Philip Fleet, Arlington) "No stopping or parking anytime -- no parking 8 a.m. to 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. Monday through Friday. Loading Zone from here to curb -- Zone 1 Permit Holders excepted" (Robin D. Grove, Washington) "Live Prudently or Die" (Peyton Coyner, Afton) "They can't tell me that! My hair itches! The light is right in my ear! Spare change?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Everyone Is a Local Call" (Joe Milazzo II, McLean) "Come for a Day, Stay for a Hearing" (Laura Martinengo, Silver Spring) "We're Not Just a District Anymore" (Bruce Dean, Frederick) "The 'Get the $%#& Out of My Way' State" (Jim Lawson, Owings Mills, Md.) "The Loophole State" (Mike Thring, Leesburg) "Uzi Maschii, Mace Femine" -- Men Tote Uzis, Women Need Mace (Jimmy Vincent, Alexandria) "Carpe Maschine Visitorum" -- Seize the Tourist's Car (Don Plambeck, Vienna) "We Will Fill No Pothole Before Its Time" (Lynne Larkin, Reston) "The Lawyer's Playground" (Jed Babbin and Wayne Keup, Arlington and Alexandria) "The 'It's Not My Department, Please Hold While I Transfer You' State" (Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) "Statues? We Got Statues!" (Mary Donovan, Rockville) State Flower The Leek (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The Spreading Hubris (Jan Verrey, Arlington) The Withering Glare (Brett Rushton, Rockville) The Blooming Shame (E.J. Carroll, Alexandria) State Joke "Why are there so many drive-by shootings in D.C.?" "Have you ever tried to park here?" (Stephen King, Alexandria) Next Week: Ask Backwards II ====================================================================== WEEK 41, published December 12, 1993 Week 41: Rear-End Collusion HONK IF YOU HATE CHUCK SMITH MY OTHER CAR WON THE STYLE INVITATIONAL McGOVERN/EAGLETON '72 SLIGHTLY ABOVE AVERAGE SENSE OF HUMOR ON BOARD Some of you have complained that, week after week, the Style Invitational winner gets a nifty prize, like a bowl of gopher drool, and runners-up get the elegant Loser's T-Shirt featuring what appears to be the likeness of an individual on a toilet, but the Honorable Mention winners, whose mediocre offerings are after all the lifeblood of this squalid feature, get doodly. We have decided to rectify this situation. In the tradition of the Style Invitational, which operates on the hallowed principle "We Do as Little Actual Work as Possible," we will rely on you to rectify it. This Week's Contest: Design a Style Invitational bumper sticker to be awarded to all Honorable Mentions. Something that somehow captures the spirit and humongous prestige of the contest. Direct reference to the Invitational is not required. Brevity is valued. First-prize winner receives a piping hot bowl of gopher drool. Just kidding. It would make a swell prize, but how would we keep it hot? Winner gets 10 of the bumper stickers plus an unbelievably flimsy Chinese accordion donated to the Style Invitational kitty by Kitty Thuermer of Washington, whose profession, alas, must remain a secret. Total first-prize value: $20. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 41, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Okay, you wormed it out of us. She is a notorious international trafficker in condoms. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 38, In which you were asked to submit "Jeopardy"-like questions in response to several answers we supplied. But first, an abject apology to "Boogie" Weinglass, the Maryland retailer whom we erroneously referred to as a "lawyer" in last week's Invitational. Mr. Weinglass is not nor has he ever been a lawyer, and The Post's counsel, Mary Ann The Lawyer, instructs us to emphasize that we believe Mr. Weinglass to be a person of unimpeachable integrity who would have to decline the position of pope because it does not befit his dignity. We wish to say to Mr. Weinglass that we are dreadfully sorry for this unintentional and inexcusable slur. By the way, what is "Boogie" short for? Booger? Okay. The contest at hand: * Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: A Great Big Sucking Sound What preceded the Big Bang? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Yogi Berra and St. Francis of Assisi What two people does Oliver Stone believe did not necessarily help plot the assassination of JFK? (Jim Henley, Silver Spring; also, Tom Reidy, Clinton) * Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Yogi Berra and St. Francis of Assisi Which two people never actually said most of the things commonly attributed to Yogi Berra? (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) * Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Funny You Should Ask What was John Bobbitt's answer to the police question, "Is anything missing?"(Joe Guderjohn, Chantilly) * First Runner-Up -- Answer: Nine Janet Renos What is the distance from New York to Boston, in prescription-lens thickness units? (Mike and Louise Megargee, Arlington) * And the winner of the magician's guillotine: Answer: Nine Janet Renos Whom will David Koresh face when his appeal reaches the Supreme Court of Hell? (Tom Meyer, Alexandria) * Honorable Mentions: Answer: The Archbishop of Canterbury and Beavis What doubles team plays tennis against the pope and Butt-head? (John Cushing, Washington; also, Lee Raby, Arlington) After Butt-head died, what show did MTV pitch to the BBC in London? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Anywhere He Wants to Where is The Post's editor allowed to put the comics? (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) Where does John Bobbitt tell the tailor to put the fly in his pants? (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Answer: Nine Janet Renos What will signify the beginning of the Apocalypse? (Robert Walker, Fairfax) What is "nine the hard way"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) In the Plain but Powerful Women bubble gum card series, what is the value of one Ruth Bader Ginsburg? (Peyton Coyner, Afton) What is a baseball lineup that makes the Phillies look handsome? (Nancy Rogers, Centreville) Answer: The Fattest Human Being on Earth Who should the Capitals consider for goalie with their first pick in next year's amateur draft? (David Fitzpatrick, Alexandria) Who will probably be seated next to me on a fully loaded 747 nonstop flight to Australia? (Donald Thomas, Bethesda; also, David Handelsman, Charlottesville) Answer: Sharon Stone's Drawers What's the only thing that gets used less than Desmond Howard? (David Fitzpatrick, Alexandria) Answer: Goofy What is G. Gordon Liddy's first name? (Robert Walker, Fairfax) What did the mayor of Manassas agree to name his first-born child in exchange for a Disney theme park? (Mike and Louise Megargee, Arlington) Answer: Mexico, Canada and Burkina Faso What three places will achieve U.S. statehood before the District of Columbia? (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) What are the three largest countries in North America, according to a National Geographic survey of recent high school graduates? (Richard L. Wong, Arlington) Answer: My Other Car Is a Giraffe What does Ed Rollins wish he'd said when he was asked, "How did you win in New Jersey?" (Mary Olson, Springfield) Answer: Yasser Arafat and Me To what did they change the name of Suha Arafat's autobiography after "Why I Married an Incredibly Ugly Man" was rejected? ("Moses," Washington) In what book by Yasser Arafat did it first become apparent that he had multiple personalities? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * And Last, a fax we received from Kirby Lamb of McLean. In giant, frantic block letters it said, "I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CONTEST! JUST GIVE ME THE GUILLOTINE!" It was signed "Lorena Bobbitt, Manassas." Next Week: Way Outside the Lines. ====================================================================== WEEK 42, published December 19, 1993 Week 42: Hey, It Could Be Worse 1. A TV docudrama starring Macaulay Culkin as Jesus Christ. 2. Okay, you are at a party, talking to someone whose name you have forgotten, and someone else comes up, and, like, it's incredibly obvious you have to introduce them, and just then a disgruntled postal worker blows the three of you away with an AK-47. 3. Being slapped to death by Zsa Zsa Gabor. 4. Having to eat all your meals for the remainder of your life while seated on the toilet at New Jersey Turnpike rest stops. This Week's Contest: Things that are worse than the Washington Redskins. We admit we put this contest off for weeks, long after it became not only justifiable but imperative, because the First Rule of Sniveling Journalism is not to make fun of something about which people care deeply. (For example, you will probably not see a contest anytime soon on "What God Looks Like," however good an idea it might be.) Alas, though, this past weekend the Skins forced our hands. So, cheer up, Washington. The local football team may be bad, but there are worse things in life. Just tell us what they are. Grand prize winner receives two tickets to a Redskin game next year. First runner-up receives four tickets. Other runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 42, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 39, in which you were asked to come up with new, hip colors for Crayola Crayons. Fifth Runner-Up: You'll Never Take Me Alive Copper -- Description: The color of a dirty rat. (Tom Criss, Dayton, Md.; also, Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Fourth Runner-Up: Kevorkian -- Description: A bright, light white. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Third Runner-Up: Oxymaroon -- Description: A perky brown. (Gina Morgan, Falls Church; also, Mike Thring, Leesburg) Second Runner-Up: Rainbow -- Description: Black. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville; also, Henry Lynton, Arlington, and Richard J. Swanson, Mount Airy) First Runner-Up: I Can't Believe It's Not Buttafuoco -- Description: The color and oily texture of rancid margarine. (Kelly A. Lindner, Washington) And the winner of the giant Crayola Crayon, printed with the name of his color: Govern Mint -- Description: Please refer to specification Mil-Q-17983245, Rev. G, w/Appendix J, which details the hue, tone, shade, tolerance, refraction, reflection, intensity and brilliance of this color. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Honorable Mentions: Acapulco Gold -- Like, any color you want, man. (Stacey Carter, Arlington) Packwood -- Just a touch of flesh. (Stu Segal, Vienna) Trash White -- A very common shade of white. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Aqua Velva Blue -- Usually used in combination with Trash White. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Vanna White -- Not too bright, but still shows up. (Abbie Thompson, Silver Spring) Cincinnati Red -- Multicolored, with a white flaky head. (Steven King, Alexandria) Rust Limbaugh -- A big fat crayon with no point, but very colorful. (Lowell Feld, Arlington) Does This Look Infected Pink -- Pink with a trace of red. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Ed Rollins -- Toast. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Where's William Kennedy Smith? -- Cinnabar, usually. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Petit-Bone -- Very pale. Soon to be discontinued. (Tom Lehker, Silver Spring; also, Steve Shearer, Alexandria) Redskin -- Mud. (Linda Sheffield Miller, New Market) Salmon-ella -- Sickening Pink. (Frank Byrne, Springfield) Off Gray -- The color of the television screen when not on. (Theresa A. Bowen, Selinsgrove, Pa.) Black Thing -- I could describe it, but you wouldn't understand. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Not Wrong, Just Incorrect. ====================================================================== WEEK 43, published December 26, 1993 Week 43: Good Lord. We hereby affirm that God exists. More to the point, we are reliably informed that God has an excellent and forgiving sense of humor. This Week's Contest: What does God looks like? Surely, you can do better than these overused images. Submit your concept of the Supreme Being, in a drawing, a photo, or just a description. First-prize winner receives the new King James version of the Bible, personally autographed by the Czar of the Style Invitational, plus a luxurious RWorm Ranch,S a total value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losersU T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 43, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. It has recently come to our attention that we still owe merchandise to a few first-prize winners, some of whom have been waiting months. This is attributable to shocking malfeasance by The Faerie of the Fine Print, who has received a punitive demotion and is now, until further notice, The Faerie of The Ear No One Reads. We regret any inconvenience. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 40, in which you were asked to come up with headlines representing the next step in political correctness mania. Sixth Runner-Up: Congress Outlaws Death It Is "Ageist," Lawmakers Conclude(Allen R. Taylor, New Cumberland, Pa.) Fifth Runner-Up: Santa to Get Extra Reindeer Ahmed, Jorge and Motohiro Will Join Sleigh (Hershal Shevade, Washington) Fourth Runner-Up: Candidates to Seek Verbal Consent Before Kissing Babies (Sonya Winner, Falls Church) Third Runner-Up: Charlie Brown Called Offensive to Hydrocephalics (Nora Corrigan, Reston) Second Runner-Up: Reflecting Pool to be Permanently Drained Degrades Women, Panel Decides (Stu Segal, Vienna) First Runner-Up: Kennedy Flame Doused Non-smokers Rejoice at End of Secondhand Smoke on Federal Property (Larry Hurley, Bethesda) And the Winner of the Nose Spreader, the Cracker Thrower and the Cow Parts Game from Dave Barry's Gift Guide, plus a copy of this page autographed by Dave: Congress Approves Five-Day Waiting Period for Men Wanting Sex (Steven King, Alexandria) Honorable Mention: Children's Rights Groups Demand Clearer Definition of "Because I Said So" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Broad Jump Eliminated From Olympic Competition (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) Manic-Depressives Protest Term "Gay" Demeans Those Who Choose to Stay in Bed and Brood (Anthony DUAntoni, Laurel) Nobel Prize Discontinued; Found to Discriminate Against Mediocre Persons (Yvonne and Peter Pover, Arlington) ACLU Sues Itself Claims Its Lawsuits Infringe on Others' Constitutional Rights (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Sports Authority Discontinues Selling Dumbells (Audrey Kovalak, Springfield) Animal Rights Activists Arrested For Throwing Blood at Animals "They Wear Fur," Protesters Shout (David Seid, Bethesda) Buckwheat Pancakes Removed from Cookbooks; Stereotype Cited (Roger Gross, Burke) Native American Orgnization Protests Use of "Geronimo" by Paratroopers Suggests Substitution of "Gesundheit" (Robert Benson, Silver Spring) Oppressors Defeat Victims Field Goal Gives Dallas Victory at First Game in Laurel Stadium (No Name Given, No Home Either) New Laundry Laws Prohibit Separation of Whites and Colors (Julie Allan, Falls Church) Caucasian Group Protests Mimes' Use of Whiteface (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.H.) Spelin Simplufkatun Bil Pases Hows. Grate Day Fr Rites of Ilitirits! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And Last: Expression "Politically Correct" Deemed Offensive Use Is Banned Under New Speech Code (Steve Amter, Washington) NEXT WEEK: Rear-End Collusion ====================================================================== WEEK 44, published January 2, 1994 WEEK 44: ADVERB PUBLICITY "I am an innocent man," Bob Packwood said touchingly. "Thank you, Dr. Kevorkian," the new patient said breathlessly. "I still love my wife," John Bobbitt said gushingly. "I'm sorry, we do not accept walk-in clientele," Duke Zeibert sniffed unreservedly. This week's contest was proposed by Jim Metzger of Arnold, Md., or possibly by Jim Arnold of Metzger, Md. We cannot read our handwriting. Jim proposed resurrecting the Tom Swiftly joke, perhaps the only form of humor lower than the knock-knock joke. For his efforts, Jim receives a rubber severed finger. So. Write us a Tom Swiftly or two, updated for the '90s. Each must include a reference to a famous person or institution. First-prize winner receives a twitching rubber rat caught in a trap, a value of $35. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 44, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to (202) 334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 41, in which you were asked to come up with a bumper sticker to be awarded to all Style Invitational Honorable Mention winners. But first, a digression. It is astonishing how the promise of free merchandise, however crappy, provokes paroxysms of greed in otherwise reasonable and mature individuals. More than a dozen persons who received Honorable Mentions in the past year have sent letters importuning us to award these bumper stickers retroactively. Are you people lacking even a shred of dignity? Are there no limits to your capacity for degradation? Tell you what. Let's find out: To the first 15 people who mail us some of their navel lint, we will send ABSOLUTELY FREE an item so stupid only a complete idiot would want it. Mail your lint to 'Special Idiot's Offer," The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington D.C. 20071. Allow two weeks for delivery. Ahem. Now, for the bumper stickers. We will be printing and distributing The Winner and First Runner-Up, starting this week: Fifth Runner-Up: Close, but No Gopher Drool (Frederick T. Dekuyper, Baltimore;also, Lori C. Fraind, Reston) Fourth Runner-Up: Attach Hose to Pipe Below (Chuck Smith, Wodbridge) Third Runner-Up: That Sucking Sound Was My Entry (Shana Wagger, Washington) Second Runner-Up: To Try Is Good Enough -- Mediocrites (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: Shirt Happens (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the Winner of the 10 Bumper Stickers and the Flimsy Chinese Accordion: How's My Drivel? Fax 202-334-4312 (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: Often an Usher, Never a Bridesmaid (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Keep It Stupid, Stupid (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) The Style Inivtational! (Steven King, Alexandria) Coveted Bumper Sticker (Lisa Zucker, Bethesda; also, Bob Hodges, Manassas) Yes, I Can't (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) IUm a Loser. Ask Me How. (Lisa Zucker, Bethesda) Brevity Is the Soul of Wit, Which Is Why I Got This Bumper Sticker Instead of the Big Prize or One of Them T-Shirts. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Puns Don't Kill People, People Kill People. (Chris Lynt, Alexandria) They Ran Out of Porpoise Poop (Jim Reagan, Reston) It's the Bumper, Stupid (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) I and My Immediate Family Are Not Employed by The Washington Post (R.D. Chaney, Frederick) Willing to Not Vote for Money (Kevin Maher, Washington) Woke Up. Got Stupid. Entered Style Invitational. Lost. (Kathy Eanes, Burke) I Never Win Anything Good (Dan Kaufman, Washington) lanoitatinvI elytS. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Brevity Is the Soul of (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: I Don't Know Chuck Smith, But Apparently I'm No Chuck Smith. (Pai Rosenthal, Sterling) ====================================================================== WEEK 45, published January 9, 1994 Week 45: Invitation to a Dual, II. The Good News: Because of snow, the federal government announces a liberal leave policy. The Bad News: Only liberals can leave. The Bad News: North Korea has The Bomb. The Good News: They won't deliver it unless you order $70 worth of "bok choy." The Good News: The Hubble Telescope is fixed and is sending back crystal clear pictures. This Week's Contest: Deliver us a Good News-Bad News scenario. The Good News: First-prize winner receives a special $80 boxed CD set of the complete works of a major recording artist. The Bad News: Does the name "Manilow" mean anything to you? Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 45, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 42, in which you were asked to come up with things that are worse than the Washington Redskins. But first, a startling observation about the sociology of humor. Ordinarily, Style Invitational winners are more or less evenly divided between men and women, only slightly skewed toward men by the irritating Chuck Smith factor. But this week, of the 22 entries selected for publication, 21 turn out to have been submitted by guys. Initially, we suspected this was because the premise was sports-related, but further examination revealed an equal gender division in total entries. And so we were forced to conclude that men were simply better at this week's contest, perhaps because it was grounded on a paranoid and infantile view of the world and required the invention of hostile and degrading scenarios featuring toilet humor, flagrant sexual innuendo, violence and sadism. But that's just a guess. Anyway, things worse than the Redskins: #Fourth Runner-Up: Execution by "lethal suppository." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) #Third Runner-Up: Being born with the name Lee Harvey Hitler. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) #Second Runner-Up: Discovering you have a long-lost half brother named Bill Clinton but he works at the Dixie Pig. (Mary Olson, Springfield) #First Runner-Up and winner of the four 1994 Redskin tickets: Suspecting that you are drunk, the D.C. police handcuff you, in a miniskirt, to a fire hydrant in the middle of winter. In the distance, heading toward you, is a dogsled race. (Jim Day, Gaithersburg) #And the winner of the two Redskin tickets: Being a fourth-grade civics teacher the day after Zhirinovsky's "Today Is the Beginning of Orgasm" speech. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) #Honorable Mentions: You win the Powerball jackpot the day after you entered the Witness Protection Program. (Glenn W. Chong, San Diego, Calif.) You realize Bea Arthur is beginning to look pret-ty sexy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Amputation by paper cut. (Kevin Cuddihy, Washington) It is Friday at 6 p.m. on the I-270 Spur after two Cheez Whiz trucks have collided. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) You are the guy who has to fire a postal service employee. (Nick Dierman, Potomac) Your Philippine mail-order bride turns out to be Imelda Marcos. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) You think you are dreaming, but then realize you actually are running in slow motion naked through the socks department at Kmart. (Brad Graf, Leesburg) Seeing your son-in-law at a gay pride demonstration. (Frederick T. DeKuyper, Baltimore) You're driving behind a group of Hell's Angels in a tunnel when your horn gets stuck. (Dale A. Rice, Fairfax) WETA gets the rights to NFL football, and halftime lasts two days. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) La Toya Jackson could be your sister. (Mike Ancell, Chillum, Md.) Going to the optometrist and being told that the only frames that will hold your lens prescriptions look like Jack Kent Cooke's. (Edward Owens, Hanover) Noticing that Pee-wee Herman is sitting behind you at the movies. (Tom Meyer, Alexandria) Salman Rushdie comes to stay at your house for a while. (Walt Kopp, Annandale) Trapped in an elevator with a fantastically attractive member of the opposite sex, you have a sudden attack of galloping diarrhea. (Leonard Osterman, Potomac) You discover that tinfoil in your hat no longer deters evil thoughts. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) #And Last: Your wife finds out via her father and her boss at the bank that you have again gambled away the Christmas money instead of using it to pay for your underage girlfriend's abortion like you promised the last time you were sober. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 46, published January 16, 1994 Week 46: "We Want Stupid Entries Only" This week's contest was proposed by Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who receives an elegant selection of clear plastic ice cubes containing embedded insects. At first, we thought Sarah had come up with a terrible idea for a contest. But the more we considered it, the more we liked it: Make up a sentence that, were it not for this contest, would never otherwise be uttered. First-prize winner receives a really fancy harmonica featuring a wah-wah button or whatever it is called, a value of $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 46, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The seriously underappreciated Faerie of the Ear No One Reads wishes to inquire as to whether anyone has noticed the FaerieUs handiwork, and to solicit ideas for future weeks. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 43, in which you were asked to describe God. We expected trouble with this one. What we anticipated was a mailbag full of hilarious, bladder-weakening entries far too tasteless to publish. The good news is, we got almost nothing that was tasteless. The bad news is, we also got almost nothing that was funny. Fact is, we got almost nothing at all, a mere 200 entries, possibly because the premise of this contest was so insulting that decent human beings gave it a wide berth. Or possibly we were being punished by God Himself, who -- mandibles flailing and blowhole snorting -- bollixed up the responses. Possibly this contest was simply an idiotic idea. Fortunately, we know we are idiots. We are nothing if not self-aware. And so, many weeks ago, in the fine print, we solicited entries for a "Dorkiest Middle Name" contest, for use someday when we had blundered into a bad contest and had nothing funny to print. We got 40 responses from persons with aggressively cheesy middle names, including one from Bernadette Scholastica Hearn of Rehoboth Beach, Del. She was to be our first-prize winner right up until the final week of the contest, when we received an entry, together with confirming documentation, from the parents of a spunky 2-year-old lad in Baltimore. Suddenly the contest was over. We flushed all prior entries and did not even bother to open new ones. Mom 'n' Dad win a six-pound wheel of imported Brie cheese, a value of $50, and young Valentino AssateaguePonyFootfalls Wiebel wins a real live pony. Hahaha. Just kidding. Lucky he canUt read yet, eh, Mom 'n' Dad? Val gets a big fuzzy toy. * Now that we have expended the required number of column inches, here is the Winner of the Week 43 contest, the very best entry we got. It arrived in an envelope marked "Fragile -- God Enclosed," and contained a drawing and an explanation: I often thought God looks like that guy on the pizza boxes. He's gotta be God. He's everywhere. I couldn't get a copy in time, but He looks like: For efforts artistic and literary, Tom Gearty of Arlington wins the Worm Ranch and Chia Pet. * First Runner-Up: On Christmas night, my in-laws prepared themselves to leave my house at 9:03 p.m. They peered outside and announced that they would never be able to get up the hill with all that snow on the ground. This meant they would be staying overnight. Just then, God appeared in the form of a snowplow coming down the street... (Keith Drewes, Chantilly) * Honorable Mention: (Tom Gearty of Arlington) * And Last: Look in a mirror and disregard what you see. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Adverb Publicity ====================================================================== WEEK 47, published January 23, 1994 Week 47: Can You Do Verse? This week's contest: Bad Valentine's Day poetry. Any rhyme scheme, any form of literary dysfunction: We will reward the clumsy, the cloying, the clunky, the just plain inappropriate. First-prize winner receives, delivered to his or her home, a grotesquely ornate Valentine's Day bouquet, a value of $100. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Published entries will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 47, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 31. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced on Feb. 13. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 44, in which we asked you to come up with a Tom Swiftly joke for the 1990s. A huge response this week, more than 5,000 entries, of which nearly 32 were publishable. The unusable fit into three categories: 1. The unfunny (Rush Limbaugh estimated conservatively; Howard said sternly) 2. The clever but obvious: (John Bobbitt said detachedly; Jack Kent Cooke said dismissively; Les Aspin said defensively; Michael Jackson said fondly) and, 3. Ideas shamelessly recycled from the 1960s ("I am coming down from my cell now," Mike Tyson said condescendingly; "I miss my sweetie," said Donald Duck lackadaisically.) A note to the two dozen individuals who wrote self-righteously to inform us that the joke form is a "Swifty" and not a "Swiftly": Wrong. The Tom Swiftly is an exercise in adverbial excess that parodies the adolescently overwritten Tom Swift adventure novels. It carries the adverbial ending. Just because something gains legitimacy through common misuse does not make it correct. If you disagree, we could care less. Sixth Runner-Up: "Oh yeah? Well, you try mooring this ship," Captain Hazelwood said cantankerously. (Lee Giesecke, Falls Church) Fifth Runner-Up: "Well, that was a great season," Richie Petitbon declared pointlessly. (George and Karen Kirschenbauer, Middleburg, plus their leftover New Year's Eve guests from North Carolina) Fourth Runner-Up: "Great movie," Pee-wee Herman said anticlimactically. (William Jensen, Rockville) Third Runner-Up: "We take stealing very seriously," Saddam Hussein said offhandedly. (Harold Kerr, Washington; also, J. Neil Killalea, Falls Church) Second Runner-Up: "And then there was the fact that my front line" Mark Rypien explained incompletely. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) First Runner-Up: "Well, at least she didn't cut off everything," John Bobbitt said testily. (Leonard Greenberg, Herndon; also, Tony Ditrapani, Reston, and Michael D. Jahr, Arlington.) And the Winner of the Rubber Rat Caught in a Trap: "We didn't inhale," declared Bill and Hillary jointly. (Mrs. Airey's English classes, St. Andrew's Episcopal School, Bethesda) Honorable Mentions: "It could have been worse," Lorena Bobbitt said bitingly. (Stephanie Reiss, Rockville; also, Jeff Clineff, Silver Spring) "I think I can get it over the plate," Mitch Williams said aimlessly. (Chuck Nelson, Alexandria) "My life is not a fairy tale," said Princess Diana grimly. (Louise G. Barnett, Chevy Chase) "My name has been withdrawn," said Zoe Baird disappointedly. (Louise G. Barnett, Chevy Chase) "I won't be leaving 'Jeopardy!' " Alex Trebek declared categorically. (Kurt Rabin, Arlington) "I have to cancel the rest of my tour," Michael Jackson said disconcertedly. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) "I am what I am," Madonna said imprudently. (Joseph Broderick, Reston) "Gee, these are great playoff games," Richie Petitbon said absently. (Tony Ditrapani, Reston) "Hillary's given all my underwear away," the president chafed rashly. (Dan Trigobogg, Baltimore) "I must be more careful," said John Bobbitt circumspectly. (Don Maclean, Burke) "Why me?" asked Nancy Kerrigan lamely. (Don Maclean, Burke) "It was a joke," Ted Danson said darkly. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring; also, Nadine Devay, Arlington) "We'd better turn back, Admiral Columbus," said the first mate flatly. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "I do not have a drinking problem," Ted Kennedy said cordially. (Christine Keiner, Columbia) "I never done nothing to that girl," Joey Buttafuoco said penetratingly. (Kurt Rabin, Arlington) "My, that was tasty!" Jeff Dahmer said heartily. (Stephen Bates, Silver Spring) "There are things more important than one's physical appearance," Janet Reno asserted plainly. (Andrea and Alan Pendleton, Arlington) "Hey, babe, what's your sign? I'm currently unattached," John Bobbitt said bluntly. (Les Greenblatt, Washington) And Last: "What's the big deal about winning the Invitational?" Rose Stack said unwittingly. (Rose Stack, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 48, published January 30, 1994 Week 48: Snivel War Want one? Beg. Against all sane predictions, we are approaching the end of our first year in business, not yet closed down by the gendarmes of polite society. And so we have reordered the coveted Style Invitational loser's T-shirts; the new ones will indicate "Year II" on them. This leaves us with a small surplus of shirts from the first year, which by now, because of the rampaging success of this idiotic competition, have acquired an approximate resale value of $12,500 apiece. This Week's Contest Beg us for them. Grovel. Propose deals. Threaten. Cajole. Flush your dignity right down the pooper. Whatever it takes. The more wretched and outrageous the better. All published entries will be considered runners-up, and will win a shirt. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 48, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 45, in which we asked you to deliver a good news/bad news scenario. First, the good news. Last Sunday, for the first time in months, the unbelievably annoying Chuck Smith of Woodbridge did not win even a single honorable mention, raising the possibility that Mr. SmithUs years of recreational drug use finally caught up with him, rendering his brain a sac of goo, and clearing the field for other worthy contestants. The bad news: *Fourth Runner-Up: The Good News: You get an expensive designer bag. The Bad News: It's a colostomy bag. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) *Third Runner-Up: The Good News: Jack Kent Cooke has finally agreed to rename the Redskins. The Bad News: They're going to be called the Laurel "William Donald Schaefers." (Bill Swedish, Arlington) * Second Runner-Up: The Good News: You traded in that gun youUve been afraid to keep in the house for a new pair of shoes. The Bad News: On your way out of the store, you're shot by someone who wants your shoes. (Thom Lieb, Crofton) * First Runner-Up: The Good News: A thorough investigation of all available Whitewater company records exonerates the Clintons of any wrongdoing. The Bad News: The White House toilets are clogged. (Beth Chalecki, Washington) * And the Winner of the Barry Manilow Boxed CD Set: The Good News: At long last, the Navy has redesigned its uniforms for women. The Bad News: They look like this:(Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) *Honorable Mentions: The Good News: Three ghosts visit you on Christmas Eve and change your life forever. The Bad News: They are Larry, Curly and Moe, and Moe puts your eyes out. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Good News: Your dentist is very generous with the nitrous oxide. The Bad News: He always asks you to disrobe and put on a paper gown. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) The Good News: Grandpa has been taken off the respirator and released from the hospital. The Bad News: He's dead. (Phillip A. Harrell, Upper Marlboro) The Good News: D.C. alleviates prison overcrowding. The Bad News: D.C. begins Quarterway Houses. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Good News: Schools in the Washington area will never again close for less than one foot of snow. The Bad News: We lied. (Mary Ann Johnson, Leesburg) The Good News: You are finally considered a man of letters. The Bad News: The police trace the letters to you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Bad News: Lorena found the fillet knife. The Good News: She could not find the cheese grater. (Bernie Augustine, Forestville) The Good News: In a high-speed car crash, air bags save your life. Bad News: In the emergency room, the doctor tells your mother that you had on dirty underwear. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Good News: You just picked all the winning numbers in the Virginia Lottery. The Bad News: Your ticket is in the Maryland Lottery. (Dave and Adele Odegard, Alexandria; also, Jane Bancroft, Wheaton) The Good News: God speaks to you. The Bad News: He wants you to sacrifice a loved one. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Good News: Bacon is found to be good for you. The Bad News: Only if it is boiled. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) The Good News: Children are thrilled as Bambi is considered for the job of one of Santa's replacement reindeer. The Bad News: Nepotism rears its ugly head as Rudolph's brother, Randolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer, is chosen instead. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Good News: You finally win the Style Invitational, in Week 57. The Bad News: Week 57 is "My Most Embarrassing Flatulence," and the results are printed the Sunday you have the minister over for dinner. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The Good News is in the bottom left corner of Page A23. The Bad News is the rest of the paper. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) The Good News: Chuck Smith's wife is hired by The Washington Post! The Bad News: He divorces her. (Mary Olson, Springfield) And last: The Good News: The Style Invitational lifts you to international prominence. The Bad News: Groupies drain you of your precious bodily fluids. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Bad Entries Only ====================================================================== WEEK 49, published February 6, 1994 Week 49 : A Slalom Occasion Light-Heavyweight Name Dropping - Points awarded for speed, grace and audacity. ("So me and the pope were knocking back a few, when Wayne Gretzky says to me, Ernie, he says...") Synchronized Spinning - Teams of competitors are bombarded with personally devastating news ("You have been indicted for molesting a goat") which they must disseminate in the most positive possible way ("I have been recognized for my work with animals.") Conscience-Wrestling (Canceled for lack of qualifying entrants) This Week's contest was proposed by Bill Powers of Arlington, who doesn't win squat because he works at The Post. Bill suggests coming up with events for a Washington Olympics. They can be winter or summer sports, based on bureaucracy or other themes peculiar to Washington, and must include a brief description of the event. First-prize winner gets a professional magician's guillotine capable of severing a human wrist, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 49, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 46, in which you were asked to create a sentence or paragraph that, were it not for this contest, would never otherwise be uttered. - Sixth Runner-Up: "I'm speaking of Jefferson, Washington, Lincoln, Reagan - guys like that." (Peyton Coyner, Afton) - Fifth Runner-Up: "I must have gone to the toilet a dozen times the night before I was executed." (Paul Alter, Hyattsville) - Fourth Runner-Up: "Hillary, get me a beer!" (Michael Michalik, Frederick) - Third Runner-Up: "So, six martinis later, I go to see his `writing awards' and he shows me a trophy case filled with plastic vomit, rubber dog poop, a set of terra cotta lawn pigs, and about a zillion ugly T-shirts!" (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) - Second Runner-Up: "Maybe we should try some of these burlap condoms." (Matt Young, Dale City) - First Runner-Up: "We named her Kate ChincoteagueOysterDrool Verba," I explained. "We're hoping to win some cheese." (John Verba, Washington) - And the Winner of the Really Fancy Harmonica With Wah-Wah Button: "I, Tonya Harding, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution, so help me God." (Thomas Edward Knibb, Walkersville) - Honorable Mentions: "Hey, did you hear about some woman named Lorena somebody who cut off her husband's penis?" (Gil Owens, Indian Head) "If there are no bones in ice cream, why can't dogs vote?" (Michele L. Uhler, Fort. Washington) "Is it barium yet?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "I want to be a Rush Limbaugh/Roger Ebert sandwich." (Stephanie Ward, Baltimore) "Waiter, could I please have some more parsley?" (Harris Shettel, Rockville) "Yes, Mr. Buttafuoco, you will be ordained this Sunday." (Don Thompson, Gaithersburg) "Hey, Bill Clinton looks just like Princess Diana!" (Brian Sink, Washington) "Do you repair Jell-O?" (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) "I hope I'm invited to the bris!" (Susannah Rosenblatt, Annandale) "The only practical solution to the population explosion is baby burgers." (Peyton Coyner, Afton) "I like when my mother-in-law visits because that affords me the opportunity to massage her feet." (John Knowles, Lorton) "The good thing about really cold weather is when you staple your tongue to your ear, you can't feel it." (Jan Verrey, Arlington) "My near-fatal tonsillectomy was like owning a Slinky in a house with no stairs." (Charles Layman, Silver Spring) "Nurse, do you know where I could buy one of these hospital gowns for myself?" (Harris Shettel, Rockville) "While I find your insights into the Platonic origins of `Also Sprach Zarathustra' illuminating, I don't feel your analysis of Nietzsche's influence on Heidegger will stand up on further examination, Mr. Quayle." (Noah Meyerson, Bethesda) "Go ahead, have dessert. I am quite confident that sex with you will be worth a $93 dinner tab." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) - And Last: Mozart mentioned the harmonica only once in his writing, dismissing the instrument as "at best a pentatonic duck call; unless someone gives this thing a button for half-notes - or, you know, invents the blues - you may as well GIVE it away." (John Verba, Washington) Next Week: Can You Do Verse? ====================================================================== WEEK 50, published February 13, 1994 Week 50: Give Us This Day New Holiday: Vice Presidents' Day. Date: Some day in March; no one really remembers or cares. How Celebrated: Going to a stranger's funeral. This week's contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a working harmonica the size of a maggot. Elden points out, shockingly, that there are no federal holidays between Presidents' Day and Memorial Day, a cheerless run of more than three months. Let's stick one in there, somewhere. The holiday should celebrate something or someone uniquely American. Tell us the date, the name of the holiday and how it should be observed. First-prize winner gets a pair of "Poo Pets," which are garden fertilizer bricks in the shape of animals, made from deodorized, 100 percent cow manure. This prize has a dollar value of $25, though obviously its sentimental value is far greater. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 50, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 47, in which you were challenged to write very, very bad Valentine's Day poetry. # Third Runner-Up: Darling, I neglected you, it's true, And then you were lost to me. But now that you're back, I'd do anything for you, Except possibly get a colostomy.(Nick Dierman, Potomac) # Second Runner-Up: You are so handsome and so kind, And your shoes are always shined. Your skin is flawless, your teeth so white, Your hair and eyes shine so bright. Your clothes are tailored, very hot. Your butt is perfect, your stomach taut. You're sensitive, you have a way. . . . Omigod, you must be gay. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) # First Runner-Up: When it comes to verse I'm no Stephen Sondheim, But you could do worse, I'll always use a condheim. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) And the Winner of the really ostentatious bouquet, delivered tomorrow: My love for you, it sails with the wind. It's like one of them sailing ships. I want to kiss you again and again, With not one, but both of my lips. My love for you is much stronger Than my love for travel and fine luggage, My . . . pancreas . . . gets longer When we embrace in human huggage. (Michael Paulkovich, Burtonsville) # Honorable Mentions: I love you, my darling, Really, really, really. If life were like the Pentagon, You'd be my Shalikashvili. (Bruce W. Alter, Springfield) The Secret Agent's Lament When I ... of you I scarce can ... my ..., And all of ...'s dark ... come a-... down, I cannot ... but for my ...'s ..., And for respite do I ...ak... ... a clown. "O damn'ed ...," I ..., as I in... ..., And ...! And ...! To put my ... in ..., Just try and stop me! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) There once was a girl from Nantucket. I love you more anyway. (Bruce W. Alter, Springfield) I'd moon the Super Bowl for you The QE II with all her crew, I'd moon the monster of Loch Ness, My love for you is bottomless. (Mary Olson, Springfield) I love you more than The Style Invitational But think haiku sucks. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) # And Last: What would I do for your love? You name it. I'd scale C.S. Lewis's pink handramit. I'd lease my soul on weekends to the Fiend, I'd re-wash dishes someone else has cleaned. I'd take a bath in cut-rate Serbo-Croatian oil, But I will not write poems for the Style Invitational. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: You Beg Us for Shirts. ====================================================================== WEEK 51, published February 20, 1994 Week 51: Caption Crunch, Vol. II This week's contest: Supply captions for any of these pictures. First-prize winner receives a fancy pogo stick, a value of about $85. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildy sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 48, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads, making a triumphant return, hereby urgently requests photographs of your pets wearing costumes. Best picture wins a picture of an elephant pooping, and an elegant papier-mache duck. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 48, in which we asked you to beg for our year-end surplus Loser's T-Shirts. First, the easy ones: Persons who bribed us. Shirts go to: Elizabeth Gaston of Alexandria, who sent us a huge homemade chocolate cake in the shape of a severed horse's head. David Smith of Washington, who composed and recorded a rap song. The final verse is: "Why not make me the happiest of men/ And give me a shirt before I rap again/ But if instead you put me on the shelf/ You can put pickles up yo'self." Brad Graf of Leesburg, who surrendered to us his cherished collection of loser bubble gum cards, including Mitch Williams, the Dallas Mavericks, Thurman Thomas and Wes Unseld, all of which will forevermore adorn the wall of the Style Invitational treehouse. And last, librarian Tom Mann of Washington, who sent us, by way of inducement, a letter gleefully divulging the whereabouts of two amusing misprints in obscure periodicals, including an unfortunate misspelling of the word "fugue" in the New Grove Dictionary of Music and Musicians, first edition, in the agate bibliography of the article on "Gudmundsen-Holmgren, Pelle (b. Copenhagen, 21 Nov. 1932)". Nice going, Tom! How very droll! You get a shirt! Now all you need is a life! A special Maniac's Award to Kacey Kology of Catlett, Va., who appears to have written the succinct message "Give Now" in her own blood. We don't want to know, Kacey. We just don't want to know. Us give you shirt, ok? Kacey get shirt. Now Kacey go away. More than five hundred people promised to do various extreme things for a shirt, like eating cicada stew or driving the Beltway backward in a Pinto, but these don't win because, well, let's be frank here: You get the shirt, and then we never hear from you again. What do you think we are? Idiots? The point was to publicly humiliate yourself the way Erin J. Dingle of Thurmont, Md., did. Erin wrote, "Please send me a T-shirt, because I am too stupid to win one any other way." Erin gets a shirt. A shirt goes to Don Maclean of Burke, who said, "I am twelve years old and I didn't get any presents for Christmas because my parents are in jail for selling nude Michael Jackson photos to my classmates. Also, while I was outside in a shelter food line, a snow plow ran over my puppy. People in line the next day told me he was deliciousI" A shirt goes to Eleanor Grass of Washington, who says the picture of the pathetic genderless pooping individual on the front of the shirt "looks just like me!" A shirt goes to Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who reports: "I am dying of pleonasms, a rare parasitic worm, and a T-shirt would brighten my remaining days." And a shirt goes to to "Poor, pitiful little Bert Worcester," son of Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who writes: "My mommy says if you send her a shirt she'll give me one of her kidneys and I won't have to go to dialysis anymore." In the category of T-shirts awarded merely to avoid having to finish reading an entry, first prize goes to Daniel Riley of Woodbridge, who writes, "I am in need of a soft, soothing cotton shirt because my religion requires me to worship three hours a day with jumper cables clamped to my nipples, and..." And the last T-shirt winner: "Sorry I haven't come over recently, Mom. The kids keep us awfully busy. How about another T-shirt or two? Love, Chuck." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: The Washington Olympics. ====================================================================== WEEK 52, published February 27, 1994 Week 52: Testimonial Tonya Harding for The Club Madonna for Virgin Records Mitch Williams for Control-Top Pantyhose This Week's Contest was proposed by Nick Dierman of Potomac, who wins a packet of "Shakti Tongue Cleaners," a tragically neglected personal hygiene product. Nick suggests coming up with inappropriate celebrity endorsements for real products. (And no, Lorena Bobbitt for Ginsu Knives won't win doodly. Be creative.) First-prize winner receives a framed poster of Rocky Marciano, a value of $80. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 52, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print and The Ear No One Reads again urgently requests photos of your pets wearing costumes. Winner gets a papier-mache duck and a picture of an elephant pooping. If you want the photos returned, send a SASE. Mail to Stupid Picture Contest, The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th Street NW, Washington D.C. 20071. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 49, in which you were asked to come up with events for a Washington Olympics. These were all good ideas: The Congressional Breast Stroke, the Broad Jump and the Penis Toss. Unfortunately, they were also as hackneyed as, um, Nancy Kerrigan. Sorry. Fourth Runner-Up: The How-High Jump -- Event limited to middle-level bureaucrats. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) Third Runner-Up: Women's Mogul Skinning -- Competitors must fleece a D.C.-area millionaire without being deported, excommunicated or brought up on drug charges. (Kurt Rabin, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: The Washington Pentathlon -- A series of events in which contestants must first hit the ground running, then get up to speed, then get ahead of the curve, then push the envelope, and finally, think outside the box. (Charles A. Lauer, Potomac) First Runner-Up: Downhill Rostenkowskiing -- Employees on the payroll of Rep. Dan Rostenkowski race to find jobs in the private sector before it is too late. (Richard Barna, Wheaton; also, Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the Winner of the Magician's Wrist Guillotine: The Stay Put -- A whole inch of snow is dumped on the field and competitors attempt to not go out in it. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Honorable Mentions: Poll-Faulting -- An event for spokespersons of underdog candidates. (Dan Morgan and David Smith, Washington; also, Linda Shevitz, Greenbelt) The Bobbittsled -- Two-man teams of eunuchs career though Manassas streets, pushing hospital gurneys, trying to find the nearest trauma center. (Andrew S. Goldman, Conshohocken, Pa.) The Wench Press. Open to members of Congress only. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) Approval Ratings Dive -- George Bush holds the world record with his 1992 gold-medal performance. (Michelle Morgan and Nazan Armenian, Washington) Off-Balance Beam -- Competitors must give confusing, offputting answers to panelists' allegations, to distract them. Judged on poise and originality. ("You've been accused of nepotism." "Don't tell my mother!") (Mary Olson, Springfield) The BalderDash -- The most outrageous lies in response to a reporter's question. Points awarded for audacity and apparent sincerity. (Mary Olson, Springfield) The Platform Jive -- The gold is awarded to whichever athlete can best persuade the crowd that he or she should win. This event has no rules and no judges. (Maggie Heinz, Washington) Bureaucratic Obstacle Course -- Entrants have two years to: speak personally to their congressperson on the phone; get a building permit; apply for and receive federal funds of any kind; complain about and have fixed one pothole; successfully challenge a parking ticket; and obtain one document through the Freedom of Information Act. There has never been a winner in this event. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Jackknifing -- A Beltway event, open to hazardous materials truck drivers. Points awarded for style, sprawl, and duration of traffic disruption. (Roz Jonas, Bethesda) Pairs Skating -- Large-breasted women on skates, judged by Rep. Martin Hoke. No actual skating required. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Freestyle Crowd Estimation -- A generic crowd is marched through the streets of Washington. Opposing groups inflate or deflate the total and provide rhetorical commentary. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) The D.C. Rodeo -- A timed event for District police officers. Object is to corral drunk women and hogtie them to mailboxes. (Derek Parks and Cristina Anzelmo, Arlington) Thin-Ice Skating -- Civil servants must skate one-quarter mile on the barely frozen Potomac while Congress and the president use their hair dryers to melt it. (Will and Joan Riegger, Crofton) Obfu-Skating -- Verbal twists, turns and leaps of logic to avoid stating an unpleasant truth. (Bob and Diane Prokop, Ellicott City) The Hot-Coffee Slalom -- Drivers must hold full cup (no lids) of hot coffee in hand (or on lap for extra degree-of-difficulty points) and navigate a pothole slalom course on I-395 at 40 mph. To win, competitors must have some coffee left in cup. (Jim Reagan, Reston) "Apres Moi Le De" Luge -- A competition for spin doctors. After a crisis bell, opposing teams of scandal handlers sled through deep stuff to save their boss. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) Whitewater Grafting -- Once again, the Clintons are the team to beat. (Steven King, Alexandria) Figure Skating -- Teams of federal bureaucrats see how long they can talk about new projects without actually mentioning costs. (Stephen King, Alexandria) Synchronized Swining -- Two politicians yoked together wallow in the mud until all spectators leave. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Happy Birthday to Us. ====================================================================== WEEK 53, published March 6, 1994 Week 53: Cruel Fete How the Style Invitational Has Changed America: 1. Restored dignity to colostomy jokes. 2. Umm . . . 3. This week's contest was proposed by the Czar of the Style Invitational, who wins a 1994 Honda Prelude. The Czar proposes that on the occasion of its first birthday, this contest finally get the credit it is due. Tell us how the Invitational has changed America. First-prize winner receives a framed Official Photograph of President Clinton, in which he is slightly out of focus, personally autographed by Frank Ahrens. This is worth about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 53, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads makes a final call for photos of your pets wearing costumes. Mail to Dumb Pet Pix, The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. If you want the pix returned, send a SASE. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 50, in which you were asked to come up with a new federal holiday between Presidents' Day and Memorial Day. Fifth Runner-Up: DISGRUNTLED POSTAL WORKER DAY Date: First Monday in April. How observed: Fired postal workers come in to seek revenge, only to find that everyone is at home due to the new holiday. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Fourth Runner-Up: PMS DAY Date: Just before one of those days in March. Observed: Tell off someone who supposedly loves you but who has inconsiderately hurt you deeply. You have license to use phrases such as "If you don't know, I am not going to tell you" and may routinely begin sentences with "If you think for one moment that . . ." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: MALE RIGHTS DAY Date: Whenever they want. Observed: However they choose. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: FEMALE POWER DAY Date: Some crappy day in February that nobody ever remembers. Observed: Running errands and catching up on the laundry. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: NATIONAL CULTURAL ILLITERACY DAY Date: The Ides of March, the day Sid Caesar was murdered. Observed: People gather at designated places to discuss why most Americans don't know such simple things as the title of Geoffrey Chaucer's last opera, the name of the artist who painted the "1812" Overture, and the date World War I broke out in Luxembourg. (Thomas Edward Knibb, Walkersville) And the Winner of animals made of cow dung: PALINDROME AWARENESS DAY Date: 4/9/94. How observed: Gag; Poop; Step on no pets. (Laura M. Clairmont, Centreville) Honorable Mentions: SOCIAL SECURITY DAY Date: May 9. Observed: Children costumed as elderly people go door to door asking for cash "entitlements." (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) DEPENDENCE DAY Date: The Fourth of April. Observed: Constituents write to their congressmen to ask when taxes are due, how to apply for Social Security and where to buy postage stamps. (Don Maclean, Burke) RELIGIOUS FREEDOM DAY Date: May 16, James Madison's birthday. Observed: You visit the homes of Jehovah's Witnesses and urge them to convert to your religion. (Jane Paulkovich, Burtonsville) JEFFREY DAHMER DAY Date: Feb. 29. Observed: Eat your heart out. (Laura M. Clairmont, Centreville) PALM MONDAY Date: March 28. Observed: Hire a lobbyist to grease a public official's hand. (Don Maclean, Burke) NATIONAL CHILDREN'S EAR INFECTION DAY Date: The day the round-trip tickets become nonrefundable. Observed: Buying a round of amoxicillin for the house. (Bruce W. Alter, Springfield) MAY ONE DAY Date: May 1. Observed: Doing all the fun things you've been promising yourself during the past year: "I may one day have time to do that." (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) WHISTLEBLOWER APPRECIATION DAY Date: April 1. Observed: Federal employees get a holiday. Agency management uses the day to install new hidden recording devices at whistleblowers' workstations. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) GROUNDHOG ANNIHILATION DAY Date: March 16, six weeks after Groundhog Day. Observed: Everyone seeks revenge for bad winter weather by declaring open season on groundhogs. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg) DAYLIGHT SAVINGS DAY Date: The first Monday in April. Observed: You cut off the end of your blanket, and sew it onto the other end to lengthen it. (Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village.) PRESIDENTIAL ASSASSINATION DAY Date: April 14. Observed: Northerners go to the theater and hide under a seat. Southerners run into a barn and burn it down. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) NON-GEOCENTRIC LIFE FORMS APPRECIATION DAY Date: Variable. Observed: Celebrated so as not to marginalize individuals born elsewhere in the solar system. If inhabitants of Mercury are so honored, this holiday has the additional attraction of recurring every 88 days. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) NATIONAL PERJURER DAY Date: I really don't remember. Observed: I'm not sure. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) REAL ESTATE TAX ASSESSORS DAY Date: Third Monday in April. Observed: Small furry animals are shaved, equipped with miniature three-piece suits and clipboards, then hacked into small pieces and fed, bit by bit, to packs of ravening wolves. (Kate Koutsavlis, taxing authority withheld by request) BIRTH GIVING DAY Date: Third Sunday in March, nine months after Father's Day. Observed: Flushing any extra savings down the toilet. (Kevin Cuddihy, Blacksburg) DAR DAY Date: April 19, the anniversary of the battles of Lexington & Concord. Observed: Open a vein to see who has the bluest blood. Tea and tourniquets to follow. (Robert Schoeberlein, Baltimore) NATIONAL BUREAUCRATS DAY Date: A weekday between March 15 and April 15, the exact day to be determined each year by an interagency committee; however, the holiday may not fall on the same date more than once every five years except in the case of leap years, when it shall fall on the same date as the year before. In the event the committee cannot reach a consensus on the date, the holiday may be skipped unless the year number is odd, in which case the date shall be March 16. Observed: Watch the delayed C-SPAN coverage of the committee deliberations to set the date. DIVERSITY DAY Date: May 1. Observed: In public gatherings, heterosexual males of Western European descent are stripped and flogged with rolled copies of The Washington Post. (Tod Butler, Kensington) Next Week: Caption Crunch, II. ====================================================================== WEEK 54, published March 13, 1994 WEEK 54: ODD COUPLING If Julia Child married Jack Kent Cooke, she would become Julia Child Kent Cooke. If you crossed Flip Wilson with the Birdman of Alcatraz, you'd get Flip the Bird, Man. If Tuesday Weld married Alonzo Mourning and then died, she would be the Late Tuesday Mourning. If Meat Loaf formed a band with Spuds MacKenzie and Wavy Gravy on the trombone, they would call themselves "Meat With Spuds and Gravy on the Slide." This week's contest was proposed by Chris Rooney of Blacksburg, who wins a 1994 Tasteless Joke calendar. Chris proposed the comical combinations of famous names, by marriage or other conceit. First Prize winner gets a fabulous framed painting by Rembrandt, or possibly one of his lesser students, depicting a vaguely religious motif featuring Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Humphrey Bogart, Stan Laurel etc. This is several degrees more tacky than a Velvet Elvis, and has a value of $60. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 54, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 51, in which we asked you to write captions for pictures we supplied. This contest prompted the largest response to date, nearly 7,000 entries, the most ludicrous of which appear below. But first, an important announcement for individuals with impaired social skills: This week the Style Invitational goes on line. You can submit entries through the Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Just think of it as the Vince Lombardi rest stop on the Information Superhighway. Sixth Runner-Up: Picture } Ned shuddered with dread. This elevator ride would not improve his reputation for rubbing people the wrong way.(Preston Williams, Alexandria) Fifth Runner-Up: Picture } Seventh Floor! Coffins! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fourth Runner-Up: Picture } No one gives a hoot about my weather predictions, complains Punxsutawney Harold. (Michael Garawski and Michelle Lefferts, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Picture } These are your kidneys on decaf. Any questions? (David Waldman, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: Picture } The Doublemint Twins decide it is finally time to switch to sugarless. (Bob Weber, Purcellville, Va.; also, Stephen Bates, Silver Spring, and Christopher W. Moon, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: Picture } "Seat 14B? Sure, right between us." (Tom Meyer, Alexandria) u And the winner of the really fancy pogo stick: Picture } The elevator reaches the top of the Gateway Arch. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: PICTURE 1: Why Sidney Freud forever lived in his brother's shadow. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) A recent $3.1 million government study establishes that squirrels prefer acorns to tuna fish. (Steven King, Alexandria) PICTURE 2: After some discussion, the judges decided to have two winners in the musical chairs contest. (Laura Jennings, Rockville) Under the electron microscope, two vanilla ice cream cholesterols. (Bud Quigley, LaPlata, Md.) Cover models for the Russian Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. (Jon Gianiny, Charles Town, W.Va.) At six months, the twins began to look suspiciously like Dr. Cecil Jacobson. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; also Jim Citron, Herndon, and Ceola McNeil, Clinton) Hillary now hires the president's personal secretaries. (Carol Lantz, Sharpsburg, Md.) At night, the soldiers descended the ladders from the Trojan Women. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fashion Tip: To appear slimmer, don't part your hair on the side. (Andre Barbera, Annapolis) Two of the women Sharon Stone beat out for the lead in "Basic Instinct." (Paul Styrene, Olney) PICTURE 3: Where Exxon Valdez Captain Hazelwood will spend eternity. (John Brodman, Washington) PICTURE 4: (drawing from "Close to Home," by John McPherson/Universal Press Syndicate): Metro's first attempt to connect the Green Line to the rest of the system. (Richard Rosen, Silver Spring) Boy, that must have been some fart! (Art Rottenborn, Fishersville, Va.) The elevator worked so slowly that people had to be put into suspended animation for the journey. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) To his horror, the repairman realized he had replaced the elevator with a garbage compactor. (Terry Bauknight, Columbia) Another day for the Under-the-Bed Dust Bunny Inspectors comes to an end. (Kimbra K. Morris, Harrisonburg) Tired of the same old rut? If you can find something wrong with this picture, you may be qualified for a career with the CIA! (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) What the red button on an elevator does. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) For the second time in as many weeks, Martin awakened on the Y axis. (Mike Rayburn, Lorton) Er, thanks, I'll wait. (These people are strange. They have no mouths.) (Fred Darfler, Elkton) And Last: Picture 1: "Doctor, I've been so depressed since Henry Mitchell died." (Laura Jennings, Rockville) ====================================================================== WEEK 55, published March 20, 1994 Week 55: Escape Clauses If extramarital sex isn't cheating as long as you never actually "sleep" with anyone, then . . . It isn't shoplifting if what you swiped was overpriced. You are still a vegetarian so long as your burger came from a cow that never ate meat. This week's contest was suggested by Virginia Sen. Charles Robb, in a manner of speaking. The senator wins a bottle of Indian Spirit "Jinx Remover" bath and floor wash, an excellent product for sale in various dingbat grocery stores and, for some reason, at the Rite Aid Drugs near The Post. Anyway, the senator's semi-explanation last week for his randy behavior raises all sorts of handsome opportunities for other self-serving moral loopholes through which the enterprising 1990s transgressor can crawl. Send them to us. First-prize winner gets the amazing Sword-Through-the-Neck Trick, a value of $100. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 55, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 52, in which we asked for inappropriate celebrity endorsements for real products. Yes, yes, of course. Dolly Parton for Bounce; Louis Farrakhan for Wite-Out; Ollie North for Nabisco Shredded Wheat; Pee-wee Herman for the Pocket Fisherman; Heidi Fleiss for Trix; Bob Packwood for Huggies. Tell us something we don't know, like: # Fourth Runner-Up: Oksana Baiul for Saab (Randy Wetzel, Boonsboro, Md.) # Third Runner-Up: Sens. Claiborne Pell and Strom Thurmond for Congressional Olds (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) # Second Runner-Up: Adm. Bobby Ray Inman for Chicken of the Sea (Roy Highburg, Bentonville, Va.) # First Runner-Up: The Jackson family for Chock Full O'Nuts (Nick Dierman, Potomac) # And the winner of the framed poster of Rocky Marciano: John Wayne Bobbitt for Microsoft (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) # Honorable Mentions: Marla Maples for Gravy Train (Randy Wetzel, Boonsboro, Md.) Marion Barry for D.C. Comics (Rose Stack, Arlington) Fidel Castro for Banana Republic (Barbara Sullivan, Potomac) Jeff Gillooly for TrashMasher (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Dr. Cecil Jacobson for Jiffy Pop Popcorn. (Don Buening, Dayton) John Gotti for E-Z Off (C. Buffington, Silver Spring) John Wayne Bobbitt for No-Doz (Allison Grad, Silver Spring) The ex-Oriole goldbrick Glenn Davis for La-Z-Boy (Roy Highburg, Bentonville) Leon Lett for Butterfingers candy bar (Chris Coneeney, Atlanta) Exxon Valdez pilot Joseph Hazelwood for Cap'n Crunch (Preston Williams, Alexandria; also, Andrew S. Goldman, Conshohocken, Pa., and Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Sting for Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo (Thom Leib, Crofton) Bill Clinton for Dodge (Dan Goldberg, Burtonsville) Rose Mary Woods for The Gap (Eileen Kirby, Philadelphia) Johnny Rotten for Fresh Fields (Heidi Jean Waters, Arlington) Jack Kevorkian for Curtains Unlimited (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Dexter Manley for ABC (Fred Burton, McLean) Michael Dukakis for General Dynamics (Stephen W. Buchanan, Mount Airy, Md.) Michael Jackson for Kinko's (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) # And Last: John Wayne Bobbitt for Woodies (Linda Douglas, Fairfax) Next Week: How We Changed America. ====================================================================== WEEK 56, published March 27, 1994 Week 56: Do The Hooky Pokey "My doctor says I have the 24-hour Fire Hose Diarrhea virus, and it is extremely contagious. I could try to come in . . ." "Hey, I'm a little stressed out today and -- CHOPPER! WE NEED A CHOPPER OVER HERE! -- I seem to be having some sort of strange flashbacks but I'm sure -- INCOMING MORTARS! KISS THE DIRT! -- I'll be OK as long as -- MEDIC! MEDIC! -- no one at the office is wearing black and . . . " "Nightline wants to come over and interview me about what I think of the company." "My uterus exploded. I could give you details if you want. . . ." This week's contest was proposed by Leslie Burket of Alexandria, who wins a realistic foam-rubber brick, perfect for hurling at people's heads. Leslie suggests that the suddenly beautiful Washington weather has made it essential to come up with inventive ways to call in sick or otherwise persuade your employer you must miss a day. First-prize winner receives the fabulous talking parrot, who repeats whatever is said to him, plus the Kodak Funsaver ("the film that's a camera!"), a total value of $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 56, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 4. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 53, in which we present the first annual Style Invitational Quiz, responding to commonly asked reader questions. Test your knowledge about America's most sophisticated newspaper column regularly featuring rectal humor. Answers below. 1. Who has won the Style Invitational the most times? 2. Who is the Czar of the Style Invitational? And who appointed him the world's greatest authority on what's funny? 3. Why are we reading this? Why aren't you awarding prizes for "How the Style Invitational Has Changed America," like you promised three weeks ago? 4. So who is this Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, anyway? 5. What are the average person's odds of winning the Style Invitational? 6. How many readers does the Style Invitational have? 7. Who has been the most successful female entrant? 8. Where is Lenoir, N.C.? 9. Who is the Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads? Is it a man or a woman? What is the Ear No One Reads? 10. Has the Style Invitational ever been censored for taste by prudish journalistic overlords? Specifically, in Week Three, "Celebrity Monuments," did someone submit a hilarious entry for "The Pee-Wee Herman Public Clock" that never ran? 11. What would be a great name for a dog? 12. Who are these people? (pictures) 1. Wrong. The most frequent first-prize winner is Tom Gearty, a mysterious Washingtonian who enters sporadically, but often wins. Tom has four wins. Chuck Smith of Woodbridge is second with three, tied with Steven King of Alexandria, who is not, so far as we know, obsessed with reanimating the dead. 2. The Czar's identity, known only to himself and Bob Woodward, is stored on microfiche at the Copenhagen headquarters of the Trilateral Commission. Washington Post editors communicate with the Czar via "drop," involving chalk marks made on the base of a public toilet somewhere in greater Washington. The Czar was appointed for a three-year term by God himself. 3. Because your entries sucked. The only good ones were: "Offers a forum for the odd and the offbeat to meet, chat and fall in love, and yet provides an excellent barrier to reproduction" (Paul Kondis, Alexandria). Paul wins the autographed, out-of-focus Bill Clinton photo. Winning T-shirts were: "By comparison, Ernest Borgnine seems like a more attractive man" (Dan Riley, Woodbridge); and, "Increased volunteerism for Biosphere III" (Mike Thring, Leesburg). And of course, these: "Started a fad for wearing T-shirts inside out" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge); and, "The Style Invitational T-shirt worn by Shane Stant helped finger him to authorities" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge). And: "It has allowed the triumphant return to The Post of Janet Cooke, writing under the pseudonym Linda K. Malcolm" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge). But that's about it. 4. Chuck was a minor functionary in the personnel department of the Environmental Protection Agency until approximately 10 minutes ago, when his boss read this paragraph and realized to his horror that it is that Chuck Smith. 5. Zero. The average person does not enter the Style Invitational. 6. According to the most recent Roper-Yankelovich survey, the Style Invitational has slightly in excess of 31 readers. But they are extremely enthusiastic readers, particularly when they are off their medication, and The Washington Post does not wish to aggravate them in any way, such as by canceling this patently offensive dirtball feature. 7. That would be Linda K. Malcolm of Silver Spring. The second most successful woman would be Robin D. Grove of Washington, except we have been reliably informed that Robin D. Grove is not, technically, a woman. So No. 2 is Cindi Rae Caron of Lenoir, N.C. 8. Who cares? 9. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads is a trained ferret named Francine. The Ear No One Reads is in the Style section every Sunday, but no one reads it. 10. (picture) 11. Whee-whee. Also, Pliny The Elder. 12. Chuck Smith of Woodbridge; Cindi Rae Caron of Lenoir, N.C.; The Baron de Longueuil; Linda K. Malcolm of Silver Spring; Tom Witte of Gaithersburg; Tom Gearty of Washington; Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring; Elden Carnahan of Laurel; that guy in the Taster's Choice ad; Meg Sullivan of Potomac; Steven King of Alexandria; and the Mayor of Tuscaloosa, Ala., though not necessarily in that order. Next Week: Odd Couplings. ====================================================================== WEEK 57, published April 3, 1994 Week 57: Calling the Toon This week's contest: Who are these people, and what are they doing? Explain one, or more than one. First Prize Winner gets an authentic Rotting Skull, a magician's prop valued at $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 57, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wonders if anyone might come up with a term for Style Invitational Plagiarists, morons who submit as original entries things they heard elsewhere, like on Garry Moore in 1971. To wit, if Kaye Ballard married Sirhan Sirhan, she would become Kaye Sirhan Sirhan. Best term for these morons wins a Jinx Remover candle. Send entries to "Idiot Terms," The Style Invitational etc. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 54, in which we asked you to come up with comical names resulting from marriage or other collaborations. Our favorite entry violated the rules of the contest, and so doesn't win anything, but George Chase of Alexandria should be flogged for the following: A special police unit has been formed to clear prostitutes from the trees and bushes south of the White House. It is called "The Whore-Force Men of the Park Ellipse." Fifth Runner-Up: If Fairchild Communications merged with Honeywell International, the new company would be called Fairwell-Honeychild. (Dennis Skoff, Sterling) Fourth Runner-Up: If former athletes Jim Kiick and Don Aase ran together for president and vice president, they would be the Kiick-Aase ticket. (Scott Warner, Hagerstown) Third Runner-Up: If Judith Light married and divorced, in succession, Terry Waite, Joseph Cotten and Richard Gere, she would be Judith Light Waite Cotten Gere. (Gloria Mehrtens, Huntingtown, Md.) Second Runner-Up: If the daughter of mimeograph magnate A.B. Dick married the son of designer Edith Head, she would probably keep her maiden name. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; also,Paul Styrene, Olney) First Runner-Up: If Picabo Street broke her leg and needed intensive care, you could mail get-well cards to "Picabo, I.C.U." (Lynn Stanton, Silver Spring; also, Bill Rubacky, Germantown) And the winner of the framed painting by Rembrandt or possibly one of his lesser students: If singer Wynonna Judd married and divorced, in succcession, Chinese film director John Woo, former interior secretary James Watt, Rep. Bob Weir, comedian Ed Wynn, former hockey star Gordie Howe, the father of figure skater Katarina Witt and ABC correspondent Brit Hume, she would become Wy Woo Watt Weir Wynn Howe Witt-Hume. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) Honorable Mentions If Heidi Fleiss married C. Everett Koop, she'd be Heidi Fleiss Koop. (Mary Cronin Cherry, Fairfax) If Sybil Leek married and divorced, in succession, Paul Simon, Zubin Mehta, I.M. Pei, Thomas Mann, Gale Gordon, Edward Tudor and Jamie Farr, she'd be Sybil Simon Mehta Pei Mann Gordon Tudor Farr. (George H. Chase, Alexandria) If Hillary Rodham married Bill Clinton, she would remain Hillary Rodham unless her husband ran for governor of a conservative state. (Lynn Stanton, Silver Spring) If Jay North and Adam West wrote a book about Oliver North, they could call it "North," by North/West. (Gloria Mehrtens, Huntingtown) If Queen Latifah married Michael Farraday, she'd be Queen Farraday. (Annie, Ben, Sandy and David Tevelin, Burke) If Marlene Chalmers married Jack Kent Cooke, she'd be Mrs. Marlene Chalmers. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) If Mother Teresa had married L. Ron Hubbard, she'd be Old Mother Hubbard. (Jill Roessner, Washington) If Estelle Getty married Mad Magazine's David Berg, they would live at the Getty-Berg address. (Alex Robbins, Bethesda) If Mama Cass had married John Donne, divorced him and married Alexander Ptolemy, we'd get Mama Donne Ptolemy. (Al Hattal, Potomac) The law firm of Alan Alda, Jake Garn, Herbert Haft, Robin Weir and Gennifer Flowers would be Weir, Haft, Alda, Flowers, Garn. (Jan Verrey, Arlington) If Aldrich Ames married Anita Hill and call their son McKinley, it would be making a mountain out of a mole-Hill. (Steven King, Alexandria) Okay, Tippi Hedren, Keanu Reeves and Twyla Tharp star in a movie, right? It does great, so they make a sequel. You with me so far? So the sequel is billed as "Tippi, Keanu & Twyla, II" (Bob Leszczak, Burtonsville) If Julia Roberts left Lyle Lovett for Bobby Orr, then divorced him and married Utah Gov. Mike Leavitt, she would be Julia Lovett Orr Leavitt. (Kimbra Morris, Harrisonburg, Va.) If Al Capp and Al Pacino were rubbed out in a mob hit, you would have Iced Capp-Pacino. (Preston Williams, Alexandria) If you crossed Frank Sinatra ... maybe that's not such a good idea. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) And Last: If Chuck Smith married an employee of The Washington Post, we'd all be ecstatic. (Meghan Meyer, Olney) Next Week: Moral Loopholes ====================================================================== WEEK 58, published April 10, 1994 Week 58: Play It Again, Denzel Good move for Rick, not getting on that plane. Nazi saboteurs had rigged it with dynamite, and it explodes in an extremely cinematic fashion, featuring many spectacular leaps into the Mediterranean by stunt men strapped into seats. Victor Laszlo survives the explosion but dies an ugly death; Brylcreem is like catnip to sharks. Ilsa, her blouse seductively torn in the crash, is scooped up by a Greek freighter whose captain's second cousin is a powerful, skirt-chasing Hollywood mogul. Ilsa goes on to become a film goddess with a tragic cocaine dependency and a hatred of men. She and Rick will "always have Paris" in more ways than one. Ilsa never told Rick about the birth of their out-of-wedlock daughter, Paris, who is being raised by singing nuns in Austria . . . . This Week's Contest was suggested by Jerry Knight, who doesn't win anything because his wife is married to a Washington Post employee. Jerry suggests that since a sequel to Casablanca is being planned as a TV miniseries, we should give the producers a hand. Bring Casablanca into the 1990s. Write the opening of a plot outline, in 120 words or fewer. You may, but are not required to, cast the roles. The winner gets a videotape of "Plan 9 From Outer Space," the worst movie ever made. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 58, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 55, in which you were asked to emulate Sen. Charles Robb and come up with self-serving moral loopholes for the 1990s, as in "It's not extramarital sex if you don't actually sleep with the person." Miranda Marsh of Annapolis wins the coveted brevity award, a pair of briefs, for: "Chocolate is a vegetable." # Fifth Runner-Up: It doesn't count as tabloid reporting if you're only reporting that the tabloids reported it. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) # Fourth Runner-Up: You're still sober as lounge as you can still say your worms promperly. (Steven King, Alexandria) # Third Runner-Up: It isn't a preexisting condition unless you had it before you existed. (Lori C. Fraind, Reston) # Second Runner-Up: It isn't plagiarism if you write, say, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you -- yeah, that's right, you -- can do for your country." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) # First Runner-Up: You're not fat if clothes are actually made in your size. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) # And the winner of the incredible Sword-Through-Neck Trick: You are not guilty of DUI if you thought someone else was driving.(Helen Sheingorn, Washington) # Honorable Mentions: It is not vote fraud unless you can prove those dead guys would have voted the other way. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) You are not abusing drugs if you store them in a cool, dry place and never yell at them. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) You haven't lost your virginity as long as you remember where you left it. (Allison Grad, Silver Spring) You are not really bald if hair grows out of your nose. (Wayne McCaughey, Columbia) It is not premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. (Andy Cohen, Woodbridge; also, John P. Fitzpatrick, Falls Church, and Richard E. Swindell, Alexandria) It is not speeding if there are still cars in front of you. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) It isn't adultery if she reminds you of your wife. (Preston Williams, Alexandria) It's not racketeering if you use a bat. (Andrew S. Goldman, Conshohocken, Pa.) It is not plagiarism if it is just the way you would have written it. (Paula Gesmundo, Alexandria) It isn't reckless driving if you get into a wreck. (Dabe Murphy, Silver Spring; also, Paula Gesmundo, Alexandria) It's not illegally diverting funds to contras if the president is sleeping in the corner when you agree to do it. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) You are not overweight if you can touch anybody's toes. (Debbie Ruffing, Bowie) You're not drinking alcohol if you plan to puke it all back up. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) It isn't sexual harassment if you use clever code words such as "hooters" and "jabongas." (Larry Hinders, Fredericksburg) It isn't procrastination if you decide to postpone it right now. (Dick Biederman, Potomac) And Last: It is not an official Style Invitational Report unless the words "Chuck Smith, Woodbridge" appears somewhere in the results. (Andrew S. Goldman, Conshohocken, Pa.) ====================================================================== WEEK 59, published April 17, 1994 WEEK 59: A GRAVE AFFAIR This Week's Contest was proposed by several people, but credit goes to Cindi Rae Caron of Lenoir, N.C., because she was the first to provide good examples. Cindi, who wins her choice of a live rat or a $10 gift certificate to Shoney's, suggests writing appropriate epitaphs for the not-yet-dead. Winner gets four coffee mugs featuring the three-dimensional likenesses of Popeye, Olive Oyl, Wimpy and Bluto, a value of $ 50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 59, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 56, in which we asked you to come up with excuses to miss a day of work. But first, a hearty Style Invitational apology goes out this week to Benjie Watts, a columnist for the News-Topic newspaper of Lenoir, N.C. Benjie, who writes under the pseudonym Tar Heel, read our question-and-answer column two weeks ago and took offense at the part where we asked, "Where is Lenoir, N.C.?" (Answer: "Who cares?") Benjie felt this was disrespectful to his town and urged his readers to call The Post to complain about our "highfalutin" ways. We wish to say we are very, very dreadfully sorry. We are certain that the only reason we have received just one call is that most folks in Lenoir haven't had time to hitch Ol' Bessie up to the buckboard, drive all the way to Mount Pilot to use the pay phone at the feed store. Back to playing hooky: Fourth Runner-Up: "If it's all the same to I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today." (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Third Runner-Up: "When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)Second Runner-Up: "I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 days in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source on exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled-up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early." (Sydd Souza and Jim Eagles, Upper Marlboro) First Runner-Up: "My stigmata's acting up." (Cindy Aldrich, Silver Spring) And the winner of the fabulous talking parrot and Kodak Funsaver: "I can't come to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?" (E.J. Wassmer, Olney) Honorable Mentions: "I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet ... " (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Giant." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) "Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how 'bout them Skins, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling." (Robin D. Grove, Washington) "I was on my way to work when this man dressed like a ninja asked me where he could find you. I thought fast and said I was meeting you at the ballpark. If there's any place I can lose him, that's it." (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) "Constipation has made me a walking time bomb." (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg) "I just found out I was switched at birth. Legally I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. I should get it cleared up by tomorrow." (Donna Kerns, Winchester) "This darn brain aneurysm of mine is acting up again." (Leo Solimine, Washington) "The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled." (Chuck Hawkins, Oakton) "The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet." (Ray Smith, Germantown) "She's having ... uh, I'm having an identity crisis." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) "I prefer to remain an enigma." (David L. Jaquith, Free Union, Va.) "My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands, and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "I am converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian." (David L. Jaquith, Free Union, Va.) "I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates." (David I. Gilbert, Miami, Fla.) "My wife makes more than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son." (Julie Brinkman, Gaithersburg) "I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come in?" (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) "I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and so far I only have seven different fun things to do with a barrel of snot." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And Last: "I injured myself with a wrist guillotine that I won in some stupid contest." (Paul Styrene, Olney) ====================================================================== WEEK 60, published April 24, 1994 Week 60: Ask Backwards III By Striking Him Repeatedly on the Tuchus Peter, Paul and Murray Only Roseanne Arnold Because No One Asked Vladimir Zhirinovsky's Toothbrush That First Geeky Day of a New Haircut It Rhymes With Orange Stinkle Gargantua and Pantagruel The Ear No One Reads Confucius Rosenblatt Jonathan Livingston Maggot Mooooooo Because You Can't Eat a Bowling Ball Dr. Jonas Salk & Larry From the Three Stooges Hitler? Who Said Anything About Hitler? This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more than one. First-prize winner gets a terra-cotta lawn pig and a terra-cotta lawn bunny, a total value of $60. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 60, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 57, in which you were asked to write captions to one of four cartoons we supplied. Fourth Runner-Up (Picture C): Bernice misunderstands her promotion to Head Waitress. (Ron Kaufman, Springfield) Third Runner-Up (Picture A): The Other Wright Brother, Shemp. (David Waldman, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up (Picture D): At a press conference announcing his candidacy for mayor, Marion Barry insists he suffers no residual effect from his prior cocaine use. (Stuart Beardall, Fairfax) First Runner-Up (Picture D): The "fishbowl" carcinoma, a rare tumor that develops only after years of sticking cigarettes up the nose. (Christopher L. Parkin, Washington) And the Winner of the Rotting Skull:(Picture C) A flight attendant cheerfully demonstrates the new recommended dining procedure enabling airlines to further compress knee space. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Honorable Mentions: Picture A: Weird Uncle Bernie, the Flying Wallenda no one talks about. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) As the Cold War ends, it becomes apparent that Solzhenitsyn's exile had little to do with his writings. (Tom Meyer, Alexandria) The true story of Rasputin's death was less dramatic, but still arresting. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Guinness record holder for the most consecutive times saying "What are you looking at?" (Phillip A. Harrell, Upper Marlboro) Tolstoy sets out to prove that "War and Peace" is really light reading. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.) Eventually a security guard watching the roof of the Library of Congress caught on as to how the first editions were disappearing. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Picture B: Davy Crockett's capmaker during a raccoon shortage. (John Cushing, Washington) The wrong way to milk a cat. (Steve Dunham, Fredericksburg) Time was of the essence to John Wayne Bobbitt's doctor. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Picture C: Suzy, ever the optimist, decided to make the best of having a plate in her head. (Christopher L. Parkin, Washington) Buffet-style dining for lap-impaired people. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Julia Child creates a meal off the top of her head. (Kathy Hanger, Arlington) The no-seefood diet. (Sarah Guy, Mechanicsville, Va.) Picture D: After turning 60, Paul McCartney's efforts to be the walrus got more and more pathetic. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) When Steve had ordered fish and chips this was not quite what he had in mind. (Steven King, Alexandria) Charles Kuralt in his new job promoting ways to conceal baldness while cultivating enough nose hair to sustain a transplant. (Joseph H. Sisk, Arlington) The oldest trick in the book -- breathing through reeds while under water. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The inventor of the bong demonstrates an early unsuccessful prototype. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Ernest Borgnine disguises himself as a walrus hoping for a free lunch at Sea World. (Nancy Kramer, Lovettsville) Under new anti-smoking guidelines, smokers are permitted to patronize restaurants provided they adhere to certain conditions. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata, Md.) Fearless D.C. Council member Jack Evans demonstrates that quality nighttime entertainment will still be available after his ban on nude dancing takes effect. (Rafael Eschly, Washington) After the first two shots, William Tell had to admit he wasn't as good with a spear gun. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Joe's night was not going well at all. He left his house in a fury, missing his toupee and grabbing the fishbowl instead. To top it all off, he misread the no-smoking sign, thinking it said "Nose Smoking Allowed." (Michael Graver, Laurel) Mr. Paul found it increasingly difficult to hold the attention of the missus. (Donna Kerns, Winchester, Va.) And Last: This should get me back into the Style Invitational, Ross Perot thought grimly. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: Play It Again, Denzel ====================================================================== WEEK 61, published May 1, 1994 Week 61: No Hard Feelings This Week's Contest was occasioned by the fact that the Style Invitational is changing artists. After a spectacular run of 60 weeks, Marc Rosenthal is being replaced by Bob Staake, though Marc will be returning for occasional guest appearances. Just to show he is not bitter, Marc has drawn us a few cheerful farewell panels. All you have to do is fill in the balloons. Answer one or more than one. (Answers on a separate page are fine.) First prize winner receives magician's escapable leg shackles, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 61, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. The Faerie of the Fine Print announces that the winner of the contest to invent a word for idiots who submit old, unoriginal entries to the Style Invitational is Jacob Weinstein of Washington. Jacob has coined the term "plagiarists," which, he says, comes from plagiarus, which means kidnapper in Latin. "Latin is a complicated language I made up when I was in kindergarten," he reports. "Kindergarten is a concept I came up with in 1840 under the pseudonym Freidrich Froebel." Jacob wins a Jinx Remover candle. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 58, in which we asked you to write a script for "Casablanca II," planned as a TV miniseries. Second Runner-Up: Widow Ilsa (Jessica Tandy) returns to Casablanca on a tour and is surprised to find that Rick (Hume Cronyn) is still alive. They repeat lots of dialogue from the original movie. Tandy acts coy. Cronyn acts spry. Reviewers gush and hail it as a sensitive exploration of romance in the golden years. It is actually four hours of crushing boredom. Tandy and Cronyn get nominated for Emmys because they are old. They lose. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) First Runner-Up: Rick (Bill Murray) wakes up to find that Ilsa (Andie MacDowell) has not arrived in Casablanca yet. After putting Ilsa and Laszlo (Chris Elliott) on the plane for the umpteenth time, Rick catches on that he is reliving the same plot over and over. The next day he punches Sam (Ted Danson) in the mouth for playing "As Time Goes By" and he can no longer finish his hill o' beans speech without bursting into laughter. The movie ends when Rick finally says "Play It Again, Sam." (Joseph Romm, Washington; also, Ward Kay, Gaithersburg) And the Winner of "Plan 9 From Outerspace": The flight to Portugal turns into a nightmare when a malevolent alien life form attacks passengers and crew. With full splatter effects, the humans are killed one by one until only Victor (Sly Stallone), flying the plane, and Ilsa (Sigourney Weaver) are left. Hearing their distress call over the radio, Rick (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Sam (Wesley Snipes) fly to the rescue in a stolen German fighter. Rick makes a sensational midair transfer to the larger plane, and he and Ilsa force the creature out onto the wing where Sam annihilates it with machine-gun fire. But as Rick and Ilsa embrace, Victor emerges from the cockpit, his features strangely distorted . . . (David Laughton, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Opening shot: Close-up of Victor drinking a can of Diet Coke. Ilsa flies by Northwest from wherever she was to meet Victor. Later that night: Ilsa walks into Victor's room wearing nothing but a Swatch watch. For the next 15 minutes, Victor and Ilsa have sex. After sex, they smoke Marlboros. While all this is going on, Rick is captured by Islamic fundamentalists in Egypt, where many violent things occur in slow motion. He is rescued by Victor and Ilsa, driving a Toyota 4-by-4. (Ryuta Ohtani, Canton, N.Y.) Laszlo and Ilsa are returned to Casablanca when the Nazis suddenly remember they don't really give a damn about de Gaulle's signature on letters of transit. Ilsa reports Rick to the National Organization for Women, claiming he insists on doing the thinking for both of them. Sam objects to being sold with Rick's Cafe and reports Rick to the EEOC . . . (Dennis McDermott, Alexandria) Ilsa (Sharon Stone) wakens from her morning slumber. The place next to her in the bed is empty. She looks out past the bedroom window and rubs her eyes in disbelief. She sees the Eiffel Tower. She hears the shower running and moves into the bathroom. She wipes the steam from the shower door. There stands Rick (Tom Cruise). "But Rick," she says, "you stayed at the airport in Casablanca!" Rick laughs. "It must have been another of your dreams. Why don't you come in and soap my back? After all, we have a train to catch!" (Joe Willmore, Alexandria) Rick and Louis' friendship blossoms into something truly beautiful. They spend many nights lamenting the fact that they will not be able to openly join the U.S. Army until they are both nearly 100 years old . . . (Jim London, Rockville) Rick does in fact reach America, where he opens a fast-food chain called "Rick's Hill o' Beans" . . . (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ilsa has lost her accent, providing, finally, a breakthrough role for Meredith Baxter Birney . . . (Randy Rieland, Washington) Next Week: A Grave Affair ====================================================================== WEEK 62, published May 8, 1994 Week 62: Bad News Bearers "This is your . . . suuuuuuck . . . captain speaking. We might be experiencing . . . lay some flame on me, dude, the rock's gone out . . . a certain amount of turbulence . . ." From your barber: "Hey, don't worry, it will grow back." From the foot doctor: "Geez, would you take a look at that. Hey, would you mind if I took a few Polaroids?" From your brain surgeon: "Hey, when I touch this thing, that thing moves!" This Week's Contest was suggested by Gabriel Goldberg of Chantilly, who wins a box of 500 Desmond Howard bubblegum cards that we have somehow obtained. Inspired by a barber's actual comment to a closely shorn friend of his, Gabe suggests coming up with statements one would not like to hear from friends, relatives, service personnel etc. First-prize winner gets a realistic gorilla mask, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 62, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads hereby solicits humorously decorated envelopes mailed to The Style Invitational. Best will win a rare antique commemorative presidential plate from the Bush administration. This idea came from Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a festive dispenser of puke candy. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 59, in which we asked you to come up with epitaphs for the still living. Sixth Runner-Up: Kevin Costner -- Dancing with worms. (Stephen Buchanan, Mt. Airy) Fifth Runner-Up: Mark Rypien -- We mourn his passing (Paul Kondis, Alexandria; also Edward Seiler, Lanham) Fourth Runner-Up: Here lays Heidi Fleiss (Blake Reid, Bethesda) Third Runner-Up: Andy Rooney -- Have you ever noticed how stuffy it is when you're six feet under? You'd think coffins would have a ventilation system or something. And another annoying thing about being dead . . . (Andrew C. Spitzler, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: Shaquille O'Neill -- Heart attack! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: Victor Kiam -- I liked the farm so much, I bought it. (Larry Cynkin, Kensington) And the Winner of the Wimpy, Bluto, Popeye and Olive coffee mugs:(with line graf showing life expectancy charted against age) Ross Perot -- It's simple. Do the math. (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Honorable Mentions: Henny Youngman -- No, I said take my wife (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Jack Kevorkian -- I did it my way (Don Maclean, Burke) Al Gore -- Biodegrade in peace (John Verba, Washington) Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton -- Beloved cookie-making First Lady who stood by her man and is right now turning over in her grave (Linda Sheffield Miller, New Market) Any D.C. Resident -- No radio in casket (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Robin Ficker -- Now, we rest in peace (John Callebaut, Arlington) Al Gore -- Hmm. Better check. Anybody got a mirror? (Mary Olson, Springfield) Richard Nixon -- His final coverup (Paul Kondis, Alexandria. Nixon was still living at the time this was submitted) Michael Jordan -- b. 1963 d. 2051 NHL MVP. 2036-37 (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) Bill Watterson -- Is on sabbatical. "Calvin and Hobbes" will resume on his return. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) Here lies Charles Manson. May he burn in peace (Bryan Camp and Susan Gillette, Alexandria) Ronald Reagan -- We are eternally in his debt (Peyton Coyner, Afton) Here Lies Madonna -- Necrophiliacs welcome (Tom Gearty, Arlington; also, Gary Buzbee, Alexandria) Engelbert Humperdinck -- Someone finally released him, thank God (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Dolly Parton -- Did not drown (Richard N. Crenshaw, Reva, Va.) Who was the host of Jeopardy? (Jim Eagles, Annapolis Junction) Chuck Smith -- He lived his life in Style (Linda Nevitte, Herndon) And Last: The Style Invitational, 1993-1995. All pooped out (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 63, published May 15, 1994 Week 63: Bad About You Using only the letters in the name of a famous serial killer, come up with the name of a country or a large city. You do not have to use ALL the letters in the killer's name. Example: John Wayne Gacy -- Ghana. Name an annoying celebrity and the planet you would send them to live on. Examples: Roseanne Arnold, Saturn. Ross Perot, Pluto. Come up with a funny caption for either of these photographs. (a nature scene; a portrait of hitler) Now, don't jump to conclusions. This Week's Contest was suggested by the literally hundreds of you who keep writing in with stupid ideas for new contests. The latest, just received in the mail, is: "Come up with things to eat that are not edible. Example: A phone book!" Another one, and we swear this is for real: "Come up with a slogan celebrating the empowerment of women and minorities in the Clinton administration. Example: 'This Is the Dawning of the Age of Empowerment.' " So we thought we'd run a contest to Come Up With A Lame Idea for a Style Invitational Contest, an idea destined to create unfunny results. You must give at least one example. First-prize winner gets a framed Botticelli painting, featuring the likeness of Marilyn Monroe on the upturned scallop shell. It is possible this is not an original Botticelli, though we have obtained it for $50 from highly reputable art dealers who operate out of the back of a truck on Rockville Pike. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 63, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 60, in which you were asked to come up with questions to any of several answers we supplied. Sixth Runner-Up -- Answer: Peter, Paul and Murray. Question: Who were two of the Apostles and their bookie? (James Christopher, Springfield) Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: Jonathan Livingston Maggot. Question: Who wrote "Today is the first day of the rest of your lice?" (Ted Spencer, College Park) Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Only Roseanne Arnold. Question: Did Arnold the Pig have any siblings? (Joseph H. Sisk, Arlington) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Peter, Paul and Murray. Question: Who recorded the hit song "Don't Think Twice It's All Right Already"? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Vladimir Zhirinovsky's Teeth. Question: What song title did Kim Carnes reject before recording her 1981 hit, "Bette Davis Eyes"? (Preston Williams, Alexandria) First Runner-Up -- Answer: Dr. Jonas Salk and Larry from the Three Stooges. Question: What two people hold the record for hearing the word "Ow!" the most? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the Winner of the terra-cotta Lawn Pig and Lawn Bunny: Answer: Stinkle. Question: What is the primary drawback of the Dick Gregory "all-asparagus" diet? (Bruce Evans, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Answer: Dr. Jonas Salk and Larry from the Three Stooges What medical research team developed the vaccine shot to the back of the head? (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) Answer: Jonathan Livingston Maggot What is the title of Richard Bach's unpublished manuscript about a seagull who wants to be a fly? (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington; also, J. Calvin Smith, Washington) What do I find when Jonathan Livingston I exhume? (Ron Prishivalko, Reston) Answer: By Striking Him Repeatedly on the Tuchus How do you get candy out of the new Marquis de Sade Pez dispenser? (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) How do the Singaporeans create an American celebrity? (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Answer: Gargantua and Pantagruel Question: Which children of Frank Zappa have the most common names? (Preston Williams, Alexandria) What are the two sizes of hosiery larger than Queen? (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Answer: Peter, Paul and Murray Who was at the Next-to-Last Supper? (R. Scott Krick, Richmond) Answer: The Ear No One Reads What hears the sound of one hand clapping? (Christopher L. Parkin, Washington; also, John Cushing, Washington) Where would be a good place for Salman Rushdie to promote his new book, "In Your Face, Rafsanjani"? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Answer: Mooooooo What is the dyslexic's mantra? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What do blades of grass yell out to scare each other on Halloween? (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Answer: Vladimir Zhirinovsky's Teeth What is the best reason to get rid of your color TV? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What is the last place in the world to find a Jew's harp? (Scott Thornton, Beltsville) Answer: Al Gore. Al Gore. Al Gore. Bullwinkle. Instead of "You are getting very sleepy," what have hypnotists begun saying? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What was the total vote count at the 1984 Democratic primary in Dixville Notch, N.H.? (Scott Thornton, Beltsville) What's the world's dullest set of multiple personalities? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Hitler? Who Said Anything About Hitler? What show-stopping number closes the hit Austrian musical "Waldheim!"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What was David Duke's reply when asked if he had ever hit his wife? (Rick Lewis, Bowie) Answer: Only Roseanne Arnold Who is more interested in Roseanne Arnold than Style's Reliable Source column? (Michael Fribush, Burtonsville) Answer: If You Don't Get It, You Don't Get It What clever marketing slogan does Dan Quayle not get? (John Gadd, Washington) Answer: It Rhymes With Orange What does Bob Dylan think "it" rhymes with? (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston) Answer: Because You Can't Eat a Bowling Ball Stranded on a desert island with only a bowling ball and Brussels sprouts, why would one starve to death? (Penny Dash, Bethesda) What is the ad tag line that lost the Frito Lay account? (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Answer: Stinkle What is the new singing duo formed by Art Garfunkel and Sting? (Deborah Howell, Herndon) What was the last name of Casey, who managed the Mighty Skunks? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What was the last finalist eliminated before the selection of Snap, Crackle and Pop to represent Kellogg's Rice Krispies? (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) And Last: What is another way to spell my name wrong? (Richard W. Stickle, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 65, published May 22, 1994 Week 65: Desperately Seeking Humor From Jeffrey Dahmer: SWM seeks a relationship to really sink his teeth into ... From a leper: ". . . A part of me likes to slip away from time to time ... From a Siamese twin: " . . . SWF, very close to her family . . . From a bulimic: ... easy to please, pretty much enjoys whatever comes up . . . From a circus geek: ... accustomed to getting stares from women ... This week's contest was suggested by the fact that Sunday Style today begins running personal ads, those earnest little tidbits of creative falsehood where people try to paint themselves in as favorable a light as possible without actually lying. So, in 40 words or fewer write a personal ad. It may be for a celebrity or for anyone in need of adroit euphemism. Winner gets an atrociously cute 30-pound cement lawn sculpture of two kittycats in a bedroom slipper, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 65, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 61, in which we asked you to fill in the balloons for Marc Rosenthal's farewell cartoons. Sigh. We knew this would happen eventually. As we have said before, The Style Invitational does not seek or practice diversity. The Style Invitational is America's last remaining pure meritocracy. We choose winners based entirely on humor. We do not try for balance -- not on the basis of ethnicity, geography, socioeconomics, or gender. We are objective, but we are not fair. There were 1,400 entries this week, submitted by 445 individuals. The winners follow. So what are you going to do, sue us? Mary Ann The Lawyer eats sniveling, mewling whiners like you for breakfast. Fifth Runner-Up (Cartoon C): "I couldn't afford the little castle, so I let the fish swim in and out of my nose." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fourth Runner-Up (Cartoon C): "A one-piranha suicide is going to take some time." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up (Cartoon C): "I still think this is too much ether, but tell the proctologist I'm ready now." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up (Cartoon C): "Yay, it does look bigger this way!" (Rod Reynolds, Bowie) First Runner-Up (Cartoon D): "Yippee! With my new Hackey-Cat toy, I'll make millions!" (Tom Gearty, Arlington) And the winner of the escapable magician's leg shackles (Cartoon C): "Dandruff shampoos are okay, but they miss the nose hairs." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A "Look, the headline says there's some guy running around strangling cats! I hope they catch him." (Mike White, Alexandria) Cartoon B: "Lessee, I've carefully packaged the bomb with untraceable explosive, cleaned all fingerprints, and done a pretty good imitation of a real postmark. They'll never figure out who ... hey, where the hell is my toupee?" (Chuck Harman, District Heights) "If they get it, they GET it." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cartoon C: "By God, you're right. From inside the fishbowl, my cat does look like a poorly drawn knockoff of Krazy Kat!" (Bill Ade, Burke) "Who's the wise guy who said it was easier to stand on your head in water?" (Chuck Harman, District Heights) "You mean, you don't think The Post literally meant for me to go soak my head?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last (Cartoon B): " 'By removing my scalp and mailing my imagination directly to the Style Invitational editors, I can let them pick a winner for me every week and save time for really important stuff,' Chuck Smith said to his dog, Woodbridge." (Matt Wagner, Chantilly) Next Week: Bad News Bearers ====================================================================== WEEK 66, published May 29, 1994 WEEK 66: THE SON-OF-SMITH LAW This Week's Contest was suggested by a terrifying piece of correspondence that justarrived by e-mail. We thought it was a joke, a particularly cruel joke, until we checked it out and discovered it to be a particularly cruel fact. It was an entry to this week's contest, submitted by one "Chris Smith" of "Woodbridge." Mr. Smith, a college student, said he was tired of sitting idly by while his father reaped all the glory. Yes, The Son of Smith. Here is the frightening part: His entries were good enough to suck down a couple of honorable mentions. Clearly, things have gone too far. This week's contest: In 50 words or fewer, what do we do about the Chuck Smith problem? Winner gets a fabulous plaster bust of Richard Nixon, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get tt1e mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 65, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 62, in which we asked you for lines one would not like to hear from acquaintances, relatives, etc. But first, a cheery little aside. Two of the responses we got were from Washington-area doctors, who shared some hilarious things they like to say among themselves about patients who aren't long for this world. Like this knee-slapper: "He shouldn't buy any green bananas!" Or, this: "Better check the expiration date on that one!" Hahahaha. Kind of makes you want to go out and kiss a doctor all over, doesn't it? With herpes-suppurating lips. • Fourth Runner-Up--From your boss: "How long have you been with us now, not counting tomorrow?" (Art Rottenborn, Fishersville) • Third Runner-Up--From your chiropractor: "I suggest you see a good tailor." (Frank Mason, Fairfax) • Second Runner-Up--From your vice presidential candidate: "Who am I? Why am I here?" (Tom Witte,Gaithersburg) • First Hunner-Up--From your proctologist: "Are you aware that you have a mole? No, no, i mean a real mole." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) .. • And the winner of the fabulous gorilla mask: From your new parrot: "Not my eyes, Polly! NO! NO! Not the eyes! ... Auuugggghhhh!" (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) • Honorable Mentions: From your child: "Daddy, why do we have the same mailman we had in California?" (Peyton Coyner, Afton) From your flight attendant: "Do you have any flying experience?" (Steven King, Alexandria) From your ear doctor:" 'm afr at 've ost uch or earing." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) From a scientist: "We regret to inform you that our rare giant albatross with a restricted diet of fish guts and laxatives has escaped and is residing in the tree above your front door. He cannot' possibly be moved until spring." (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) From your hunting buddy: "Great shot!,Saaaay ... do deer wear saddles?" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) From the maitre d': "No, I'm positive, we do not have valet parking. Why do you ask?" (Chris Smith, Woodbridge; also Jamie Walker, Fairfax Station) From your mother: "Come here, dear, you have a little spot on your cheek." (Harris Shetlel, Rockville) From a fellow elevator passenger: "Pfffflumrpfft." (Steve Holman, Arlington) From your fertility doctor: "Look, she has my eyes!" (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg; also, Robyn Kroll-Remick, Atlanta, Ga.) From your new doctor: "You are on what? Interesting. I've never heard of that being prescribed for a human before ." (Chris Smith, Woodbridge) From your kid: "Daddy, I made the phone say, 'Bonjour.' " (Jonathan Fraim, Ellicott City) From the chief justice of the United States: "Please repeat after me, 'I, J. Danforth Quayle, do solemnly swear ...' " (James M. Vennett, Arlington) From Alex Trebek: "Okay, gentlemen, the categories are: Famous Diet Plans, Romance Novelists, Color Selection for Draperies, Getting in Touch With Your Feelings, Tupperware Bestsellers and That Time of the Month." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) From the racetrack announcer: "And they're off! Except one ... " (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And Last: From a judge: "Compelling evidence having been presented to this court regarding the charges of failing to flush the people's toilet, we find the defendant guilty and remand him to the custody of Queenstown prison for imposition of the mandated penalty under the laws of the Nation of Singapore." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 67, published June 5, 1994 Week 67: Exit Laughing This Week's Contest was suggested by Douglas Olson of Laurel, who proposed this as a lame contest idea doomed to provoke unfunny results. (Doug obviously doesn't realize how pathetically desperate we are.) He wins a handsome clay fire hydrant suitable for holding dog biscuits, toilet paper etc. Doug suggests making up the last lines of famous dead people whose last lines are unknown. First-prize winner gets a life-size cardboard cutout of Hillary Rodham Clinton, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational Losers T-shirts. FINISH WITH REST OF REGULAR AGATE Josef Stalin: "Well, it's time for another purge! The only question is, who?" Amelia Earhart: "Wow, cool! The gauge says we haven't used any fuel in 1,300 miles!" Report from Week 63, in which we asked you to come up with lame ideas for Style Invitational Contests. But first, a brief note to the dozens and dozens of readers out there who laboriously responded to our examples of idiotic contest ideas (create "humorous" captions for a picture of Hitler or of dirt; find geographic anagrams in the names of famous murderers) by actually entering those contests. One person submitted six pages of tedious anagrams for "John Wilkes Booth" and another did the same for "Theodore Bundy," apologizing at one point because "Borneo" is not technically a "country" but rather an "archipelago." Now, we hope none of our esteemed readers takes this the wrong way, but WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF IMBECILES? Those were examples of bad contests. They were not the contest. Even WE aren't that stupid. Only Len Taylor of Gaithersburg retained any dignity at all, idiotically misunderstanding the contest, but at least doing it with style. His caption for Hitler: "Marion Barry was set up too?" His caption for a vast empty field of dirt: "The Fourth Annual Chuck Smith Fan Club rally and cookout." Lastly, we would like to thank the many of you who proposed, as the lamest contest idea ever, coming up with a contest for the lamest contest idea ever, and those of you who came up (get this) with a contest to illustrate what God looks like. Ahem. Bad ideas: Fourth Runner-Up: What are some humorous things to say to brighten up a funeral? Example: A penny for your eyes. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: Describe the objects depicted in these drawings. Maximum 50 words. Example: A.) Gas grill. (Tom Gearty, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up: Develop an alphanumeric formula for famous baseball players. Example: [(N-1][AB][(Z/2)x2]C][(W-10][Z1/2]JC[Ex3]=Minnie Minoso (Chuck Snowdon, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Name a movie that would not have been successful if Herve Villechaize had played the lead. Example: "Citizen Kane." (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the Winner of the Botticelli painting featuring Marilyn Monroe: Create a series of numbers beyond 1 and 2 to signal the need to attend to other bodily functions. Example: Number 3, Vomiting. Number 5, Weeping facial sores. Number 6, Hemorrhaging. Number 7, Body parts sloughing off. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: Create snappy replies to panhandlers, using only upper-class diction. Example: "My good man, if you expect the world to owe you a living, you will never get anywhere." (John Cushing, Washington) Name the body parts that most resembles an artichoke, a rutabaga, and a cam shaft from a '64 Chevy. Example: Pineal gland, eyeball, teeth with braces. (Chuck Snowdown, Arlington) You are riding in a hot-air ballon with all the mass murderers in history; to land safely at Dulles you must jettison one of them. Which one, and why? Example: Josef Stalin -- because he is fat. (Steven King, Alexandria) President Clinton has authorized you to rearrange the alphabet. Change the order in such a way that no word of three or more letters is present. Example: KDLFOSVGAJCQZBIYTXEHMURWPN. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Assign mob-style nicknames to famous people. Example: Jimmy "The Fornicator" Swaggart; Daniel "Duh" Quayle. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Name a book that would probably not be a bestseller. Example: A Finnish-Swahili dictionary. (Thomas Knibb, Walkersville, Md.) Bubba is too old-fashioned. Come up with a new nickname for Clinton. Example: "Cap'n" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) State a celebrity and an appropriately named perfume they can promote. Example: Elizabeth Taylor, Obese (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Find a place name from a foreign country, remove all the vowels, and then predict in what kind of sport a player with that name would best fit. Example: Tegucigalpa. Tgcglp. Soccer. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Come up with exciting euphemisms for pooping. Example: Launching a flotilla. (Mary Mazer, Nashville) Name the titles of shows even Geraldo rejected at first, but is thinking about. Example: "Prison Guards Who Eat Leftovers From Death Row Prisoners' Last Meals." (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Name a famous person and somebody else you wish they'd turn into. Example: Hillary Clinton -- Moms Mabley. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) Take a well-known piece of classical music and put it in a different key. Example: Toccata and Fugue in D major. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Come up with products to fit the following prices, a' la "Price Is Right." A: $2.49 B: $ 1.19 C: $ 5.79. Example: B: Brillo Pads. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Assume the St. Lawrence Seaway does not exist. Describe how you would get from New Brunswick to Lake Ontario. Example: Walk. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) Name a celebrity whose name, when spelled backward, looks like it could mean, "NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE" in the native language of some 7-Eleven clerks. Example: YLLIER NOSLEN SELRAHC. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) In 25 words or fewer, describe a scene from "The Simpsons" as it would unfold if everyone in the family were smart. Example: Homer sees an ad for souvenir chunks of the world's largest doughnut for only $39.95 each. He doesn't buy one. (David Laughton, Washington) Come up with titles of Michael Dukakis's likely beach reading this summer. Example: "Negative Ecological Ramifications of Applying Zero-Based Budgeting Methodologies to Generalized Government Procurement." (John Callebaut, Arlington) What are some humorous sobriquets that gently mock feminists? Example: Some feminists tend to be just the weensiest bit unfunny. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Name a product that should be kept off TV because its name is so suggestive. Example: Lavoris. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Assume Basque shepherds had conquered the known world rather than the Romans, and suggest resulting changes to modern-day English. Example: "Liberty and Zuzentasy for All," or, "The Style Norgehiagoketational." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Point out logical inconsistencies in movies that only anal-retentive bozos would notice. Example: In "The Sound of Music," how come the kids have summer vacation, since the Anschluss happened in March 1938? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Give a celebrity a hilarious new first name. Example: Earl Pavarotti. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Come up with a breed of dog not recognized by the AKC. Example: An Australian Frog Hound. (Tchaka Owen, Charlottesville) If humans couldn't laugh: A) What would they do instead, and B) How would it be written? Example: A) Hiccup B) hic hic hic. A) Suck air between teeth. B) Sfee sfee sfee. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Next Week: Trying to be Sexy, You Bomb Big Time ====================================================================== WEEK 68, published June 12, 1994 Week 68: Give Us A Sign Femini -- It is a bad time of the month for you. Testes -- You have an unlimited amount of gall. Vertigo -- Cut down on your partying. This week's contest was suggested by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a fabulous prank hypodermic syringe. Elden suggests coming up with new astrological signs for the 1990s, together with one day's horoscope. First-prize winner gets a framed painting of the "Abbey Road" album cover, featuring the likenesses of Elvis, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and Humphrey Bogart, purchased from the official Style Invitational art curators, who operate out of the back of a truck on Rockville Pike. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 68, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Anurgent message from the Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads: Many alert but confused readers wrote in to observe that something peculiar appears to have happened to Week 64, inasmuch as Week 63 was followed by Week 65, even though we later referred back to Week 64, as though it had existed, and once incorrectly reported the results of "Week 64," which never technically happened. It might have just been a mistake, but who knows? In 30 words or fewer: What happened to Week 64? Winner gets a great $40 clock featuring a painting of grazing buffaloes, tepees and a man in a headdress who looks about as much like an American Indian as Lawrence Welk did. Send entries to Style Invitational, Week 64 Special Contest, The Washington Post, etc. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. The winner of the contest to come up with snapshots of your pets wearing costumes was Sue Hanson of Montgomery Village, who we are fairly certain cheated by sending in a picture from a post card. But we are choosing to ignore this inasmuch as it is great, and all the other ones bit the braunschweiger. Sue wins a papier-mache duck and a picture of an elephant pooping. Thank you. Report from Week 65, or possibly 64, in which you were asked to come up with personal classified ads that do not actually lie but creatively stretch the truth a bit. Third Runner-Up: From a Devil worshiper -- "SWF, willing to make sacrifices . . ." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Second Runner-Up: From someone with multiple personalities -- "I am a real people person . . ." (Tom Meyer, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: From John Bobbitt -- "SWM, recently divorced AND recently separated . . ." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) And the winner of the hideous cement lawn sculpture: From a morbidly obese person: "SWM with an enormous heart . . ." (Nick Dierman, Potomac) Honorable Mentions: From Chuck Smith of Woodbridge: "MWM ISO a life. . ." (Linda Bakley, Falls Church) From a person with split personalities: "Looking for woman interested in multiple organisms . . ." (Dawn-Michele Gould, Germantown) From a physician -- [scrawls ending in $1,000,079.98] (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) From Shane Stant: "Olympic trials participant. Enjoys clubs, swinging and bars . . ." (Larry Gordon, Potomac) From Jack Kevorkian: "Let me help you see the light . . ." (Steven Dudzik, Silver Spring) From avant garde director David Lynch: "I want someone to sit on my coffee table and call out the names of the presidents. That would really be great. And a dog. Shouldn't a dog be in here? But he has to be holding a human hand. That would be neat." (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) From an asylum inmate: "Are you looking for a committed individual? . . ." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) From John Bobbitt: "Unattached male seeking companionship . . ." (Peggy M. Hyde, Charlottesville) From Stuttering John Melendez: "SSSSSSWWWWWMMMMMM, ssseeeks . . ." (Christie Kennedy, Syosset, NY.) From "desperate": "SMWBPJMF seeks therapist specializing in the treatment of persons suffering from indentity crisis." (Harris Shettel, Rockville) From Vladimir Zhirinovsky: "Object: adventure, travel, getting a little crazy now and then . . ." (Tom Meyer, Alexandria) From Jack Kevorkian: "Seeking someone patient, long-suffering, for long drive in your garage . . ." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: The Son-of-Smith Law. ====================================================================== WEEK 69, published June 19, 1994 Week 69:Laying Down The Law Murphy's Law: If Anything Can Go Wrong, It Will. Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jenning's Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well. The Nonreciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. This Week's Contest: We recently discovered these wonderful principles in a book by Arthur Bloch titled "Murphy's Law, and Other Reasons Why Things Go Wrong." The book was published in 1978, so we figured it is high time to identify some exciting new principles that explain why things happen the way they happen. Send us some. First-prize winner gets a spectacular sunbleached steer skull, a real one just like in Georgia O'Keeffe paintings, with big horns and crummy rotting teeth and everything, suitable for mounting on a wall if you are really weird, a value of $80. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 69, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The two pseudonymous Chuck Smith entries below were submitted by Edward T. Tweddell of Berkeley Springs, W.Va., who has a funny name, and Fred Darfler of Elkton, Md., who has a funnier name. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 66, in which we asked you how to solve the problem of (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge), specifically that over the last year this contest has been more or less hijacked by one precocious bureaucrat from some dirtball Washington suburb. Third Runner-Up: Begin to assign him little nicknames in print. Like, (Chuck "Poopy Drawers" Smith, Woodbridge). Or, (Chuck "Sexually Transmitted Disease" Smith, Woodbridge). (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) Second Runner-Up: Get the Tobacco Institute to prove there's no such thing as Chuck Smith of Woodbridge. (Joan Delfattore, Newark, Del.) First Runner-Up: Announce that Week 70 is a contest to write threatening letters to the president. Then forward Chuck's entry, and only Chuck's entry, to the Secret Service. (Paul Styrene, Olney) And The Winner of the Bust of Richard Nixon: In order to discourage me, alter my entries prior to publication so I seem to be a complete jackass. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Get the Bullets to select Chuck Smith as their No. 1 draft pick. That will guarantee no one will ever hear from him again. (Steven King, Alexandria) Have all contestants start entering under the name "Chuck Smith," until the real one just sort of shambles away. (Chuck Smith, Elkton, Md.; also, Chuck Smith, Berkeley Springs, W.Va.) Renegotiate his pact with the Devil. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Tell Chris Smith that "as long as your old man is alive you'll never have a shot at the big prize." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Slowly kill him through T-shirt poisoning. (Steve Ahart, Sterling) Have him and (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) compete in a quicksand-sinking contest. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Ask him to stop using gags I give him when he gets me drunk. (Don Maclean, Burke) Do you think he has declared the value of all those shirts? Turn him in to the IRS. That's how they got Capone. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Call him every 15 minutes, day and night, and ask, "Have you come up with anything funny yet?" (John Vogel, Upper Marlboro) Award him the Pulitzer Prize. This will stoke his gigantic ego, and loosen his defenses. Send the prize to his home, in a box. It will be spelled the Pull It Sir, Prize. It will have a pull tab. It will be a hand grenade. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) And Last: Select winners based entirely on distance the entry has traveled. (Woody Franke, Canberra, Australia) ====================================================================== WEEK 70, published June 26, 1994 Week 70: Sounds Like a Bad Idea Q: What is "Clop Clop Clop Clop BANG Clop Clop"? A: An Amish drive-by shooting. Q: What is "Kabloom, Kablooie, Kablamm, Duhh." A: Three smart bombs and a dumb one. Q: What is "Pull! Fizz! Bang! Pull! Fizz! Bang!" A: Skeet shooting for Alka-Seltzer in the rain. Q: What is "Me Me Me Me Me Me Me"? A: A prima donna warming up at the Metropolitan Opera. This week's contest was proposed by the Czarina of the Style Invitational, who wins five years of free orthodontia for her children. The Czarina proposes a contest to come up with jokes based on noises. First-prize winner gets a gigantic antique plaster Miss Piggy bank, vintage 1979, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 70, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Tuesday, July 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 67, in which you were asked to come up with the final words of famous dead people whose real final words are unknown. But first, the Czar wishes it to be known that he finds nothing at all funny about death, that he in fact intends to die himself one day, and that he wishes to urge all readers to skip over the remainder of this column, inasmuch as it is completely tasteless and will offend anyone with even a rudimentary sense of decency. Fourth Runner-Up -- Richard Nixon: "[unintelligible] [expletive deleted] [unintelligible]" (David Laughton, Washington) Third Runner-Up -- Lou Gehrig: "Lou Gehrig's disease! Damn! I should have seen that one coming." (Jonathan Lechter, Rockville) Second Runner-Up -- Rene Descartes: "Think! Think!" (Stephen W. Buchanan, Mount Airy, Md.) First Runner-Up -- Dr. Seuss: "I would not eat them with a cop/ I would not eat them with a . . . [Plop.]" (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) And the winner of the life-size cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton: Richard Nixon: "I am not dying." (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Honorable Mentions: Napoleon Bonaparte: "Why does my hair smell like arsenic?" (Harold Weiss, Reston) Cass Elliot: "That prima donna? I can sing better than she can while eating a ham sandwich! Watch this!" (Alex Thornton, Beltsville) Leon Trotsky: "Oh, yeah, Josef? Who died and made you boss?" (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Pearl S. Buck: "The Buck stops here." (Kristie Lyn Dunleavy, Falls Church) Isaac Newton: "When an apple fell on my head, I discovered gravity. I wonder what I can discover with this here anvil?" Jimmy Hoffa: "You grznaks are taking all the risks of selecting and capturing human specimens and preparing us for examination, but the flzcrajds up on the mother ship are getting all the performance bonuses. You've got to stick together and demand what's yours. Let me tell you what joining the Teamsters can do for you . . ." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) John Crapper: "Do you think anyone will know I ever lived?" (Len Taylor, Gaithersburg) U.S. Grant: "If it is not already taken, I would like to be buried in Grant's Tomb." (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) Elvis: "Ungh. Unnghh. Unnnngghhh." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Isadora Duncan: "A silk scarf would make this outfit a real head-turner." (Susanne B. Duncan, Alexandria) Richard Nixon: "I tell you, it is not a significant amount of time! Here, let me show you by not breathing for 18 1/2 minutes." (Alex Thornton, Beltsville) The Big Bopper: "Wanna hear something really funny, Buddy? I told the pilot I only weigh 175 so he'd let me come." (Don Beale, Arlington) Chicago Mayor Richard Daley: "At least I can still vote!" (Catherine Sloss, Washington) Thomas Malthus: "Here's one less mouth to feed." (Kom Kunyosying, Kearneysville, W.Va.) Bill Casey: "No way. I'd rather die than talk to Bob Woodward." (Bill Verrey, Richardson, Tex.) Benito Mussolini: "Everything looks upside down." (John Cushing, Washington) Will Rogers: "Wiley, you've got the patch over the wrong eye." (John Cushing, Washington) And Last: Johann Gutenberg: "O, I die! What a vision I see before me now: Bibles, sacred works, penny dreadfuls, flatulence jokes in a major daily newspaper . . ." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 71, published July 3, 1994 Week 71: Caption Crunch, III This week's contest was proposed by Fred Kaiser of Washington. Fred wants you to come up with a new, funnier caption for any picture or illustration anywhere in today's newspaper. This is particularly interesting because the Style Invitational is printed a day in advance, and as we write this, we have no idea which pictures will appear in the Sunday paper. Isn't this exciting? Fred wins a realistic human arm that can dangle outside a car trunk or extend up from a toilet bowl or something nifty like that. Anyway, make sure to include with your entry either the picture or a photocopy of the picture you are captioning. First-prize winner gets a colorful, working Coca-Cola clock featuring a 1950s soda fountain scene, an item everyone agrees would be a real period-piece work of art if it were constructed of ceramic or wood instead of plastic the approximate thickness of a human cornea. It is worth $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 71, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness, or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 68, in which you were asked to come up with new signs of the zodiac, together with one day's horoscope. But first. . . CORRECTION AND APOLOGY Because of an editing error, a major figure in world history was misidentified in last week's Style Invitational. Coming from the editors of this vulgar feature, the mistake was as appalling and inexcusable as if the Washington Post had written "President Elmo Clinton" or "the composer Marvin van Beethoven," or "The Messiah, Rutherford B. Christ." Accordingly, The Washington Post extends its apologies to the descendants of inventor Thomas Crapper, who was tragically misidentified as "John Crapper." Fifth Runner-Up: TUCHUS: You'll get a little behind in your schedule today. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville, Md.) Fourth Runner-Up: LIBRIUM: You will have a terrible day, but you won't care. (Linda Shevitz, Greenbelt) Third Runner-Up: OREO: You may feel yourself pulled apart today. (Lyell Rodieck, Washington) Second Runner-Up: TSURIS: Better you should stay home. (Stu Segal, Vienna) First Runner-Up: FECES: Watch your step. Avoid electric fans. (Jean C. Clancy, Fairfax; Joe Sisk, Arlington) And the winner of the painting of the "Abbey Road" cover featuring Bogie and Dean and Marilyn and Elvis: TEDIUS: You will wake up. You will stretch your left arm. You will stretch your right arm. You will yawn. You will stretch your left leg. You will rub your right eye. You will yawn again. You will . . . (Christie Houser, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions CUOMO: Do not make a decision today. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) LEONA: Everybody hates you. (Joseph Romm, Washington) ENIGMA: Spend Sunday as if it were Thursday. Monday finds you wishing it were Wednesday. Avoid non-sequential weasels. (Bev Wiedeman, Manassas) HYPOCHONDRIA: You have cancer today. You will have pimples tomorrow. (Kate Weizel, Bowie) ENNUI: Today will be so, oh I don't know, dissatisfying. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington; also, Dawn-Michele Gould, Germantown) HILARIUS: Today you have to screw in a light bulb. Be original. (Bill Harvey, Alexandria) TAURIST: You are going to visit new places, meet new people and pay 20 bucks for a seven-block cab ride. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) ARSENIO: You are past your prime. (Larry Gordon, Potomac) ZEBRA: It's not a good day to be with a Leo. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) CAPRIATI: Stay off the grass. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.; Gordon A. Janis, Washington) HERPES: Avoid flare-ups with loved ones. (Larry Cynkin, Kensington; Annie Wauters, Washington; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)) GIGOLO: Stay away from Virgos. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) JIMINY: Stay on the straight and narrow! Don't steal, cheat or lie! (Eric Chang, Silver Spring) THESAURUS: Find new ways to express yourself. (David Siltman, Gaithersburg) ZEPPO: Your siblings may garner more attention than you. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) BIMINI: Avoid photographers. (Joseph Romm, Washington) VACUOUS -- Smile. Have a nice day. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. (Starr Mayer, Hayes, Va.) CAPRACORN: You will live happily ever after. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Next Week: There Oughta Be a Law ====================================================================== WEEK 72, published July 10, 1994 Week 72: Oh, hell. Pee-Wee's Hell: Darkened theater. Fabulous dirty movie on an endless loop. Both hands stuck in bowling balls. June Allyson's Hell: She keeps waking up in the Lincoln Bedroom with her hand in a bowl of water. George Bush's Hell: He is at a lectern, speaking to a group of deaf people. For all eternity they sit there, reading his lips. Tammy Faye Bakker's Hell: She is at her dressing table. She has just awakened. The Archbishop of Canterbury awaits her momentarily. All her makeup is missing. In desperation, she must consider using the only three things that are available: spackle, Pla-Doh and lime Jell-O with floating grapes. This week's contest was suggested independently by Mike Sam of Fairfax and some dipstick who keeps sending in mediocre entries under the pseudonym "Chuck Roast, Woodbridge." Sam wins an unbelievably ugly T-shirt featuring a highway map of Columbus, Ohio. Roast will win one too if he ever reveals himself. Sam 'n' Roast (Salmon Roast?) suggest coming up with the perfect vision of hell for a famous person, living or dead. First-prize winner gets a nifty music-activated swaying plastic Frog Band, a $30 toy advertised "For Ages 3 and Up." Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 72, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 69, in which you were asked to come up with sequels to Murphy's Law. As often happens when a contest seeks new variations on old themes, you bombarded us with plagiarism. Dozens of people submitted blatantly recycled material as their own, including: "The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made." Also: "Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; women's desire for intimacy often results in sex." Also: "Cole's Law: shredded cabbage." Hahahaha. This is our last benign warning to all you Steal Invitationalists. Next time, we Act. Fifth Runner-Up -- Boyle's Law of Inevitability: If you go on living long enough, you will die. (Charles P. Boyle, Annapolis) Fourth Runner-Up -- The Law of Imitation: It's not plagiarism if you would have said it the same way had you said it first. Biden's Corollary to the Law of Imitation: It's not plagiarism if you would have said it the same way had you said it first. (Peter Orazem, Bethesda) Third Runner-Up -- Bates's Law: The phone always rings when you are outside the shower with a knife. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up -- Jason's Law: An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys. (Bruce W. Van Roy, Vienna) First Runner-Up -- J. Calvin Smith's Observation on Entropy: There is no un-fan for the ca-ca to un-hit. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) And the Winner of the Real Steer Skull With Rotting Teeth and Everything: The Principle of Documentary Fallibility: Every important document you write will contain at least one egregious typographical error. The more pubic the document, the more embarrassing the error. (Pat Scully, Sunderland) Honorable Mentions: Boyle's 63rd Principle: The ears have walls. (Charles P. Boyle, Annapolis) The Paradox of Bad Circumstances: Something bad will always happen to someone else. However, we are all someone elses to someone else. (Bill Glassbrook, Gaithersburg) The Kellogg's Conundrum: Why do some people achieve greatness and others have Grapenuts thrust upon them? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Boyle's First Law: If not controlled, work will flow to the competent person until he submerges. (Charles P. Boyle, Annapolis) The Alter Ego Scenario: Older, more experienced workers are a valuable resource because when they retire, all mistakes can be blamed on them. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Dr. Doolittle's Theorem: If an animal is unusually vicious, then it is more likely to survive any usually fatal disease. (W. S. Furie, DVM, Frederick) The Rule of Male Drivers: If you don't care where you are, you are not lost. (Kevin Cuddihy and Liz Lee, Fairfax) Boyle's Conundrum: Like it or not, America is inching toward the metric system. (Charles P. Boyle, Annapolis) The Metro Principle: The clarity of a PA system on public transportation is inversely proportional to your familiarity with the system. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) O.J.'s Axiom to Avoid Being Pulled Over: Stay out of the left lane, keep it under 55 and keep a gun to your head. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) J. Calvin Smith's Absolute Certainty No. 1: I don't know who, why or when, but somewhere at some time someone will have a life and death need for two snowflakes exactly alike. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Clinton's Law: Being too smart by half is even worse than being stupid. (Thomas R. McCabe, Lorton) The First Law of Government: An executive agency in motion tends to remain at rest. (Bruce Ramsay, Gaithersburg) Smith's Observation: The person who says, "Where did you last have it?" actually believes he is providing valuable assistance. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Law of Disproportionate Pain: A ton of bricks weighs the same as a ton of feathers unless it hits you in the head. (John F. Cissel, Fairfax) The Porcelain Magnetism Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: An object dropped in the bathroom will always land in the toilet. (Jim Reed and Jennifer Bostic, Columbia) The Cartoon Law of Gravity: A person will not fall until he looks down and realizes that there is nothing underneath him. (Bill Glassbrook, Gaithersburg) The Angler's Credo: If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) And Last: The Style Invitational Theorem: The opportunity of winning is directly proportional to the willingness to submit oneself to public humiliation. Do I pull my pants down yet? (Chuck Snowdon, Arlington) First Runner-Up Rule: Your chances of winning the Style Invitational are directly proportional to the humor and originality of your entry and pigs can fly. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Carnahan's Rule Of Three: The longer one works to bring ironic Talmudic allusion and elegant Chaucerian wit to one's entry, the greater the likelihood the winner will prominently feature "drool," "snot" or "poopy." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: Sounds Like a Bad Idea. ====================================================================== WEEK 73, published July 17, 1994 Week 73: LUNACY "Watson, come here, I need you!" "I claim this land for the King of Uruguay. Hahaha." "Golly, this is neat!" This Week's Contest: Wednesday marks the 25th anniversary of the moon landing, as well as the greatest gaffe in the history of Historic Sayings. Neil Armstrong, a fine American but not exactly a poet or an orator, having rehearsed his little immortal line 6,000 times until no mistake was possible, put his foot onto the moon's surface and then into his mouth. Neil fluffed the line, big time. "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," Neil said. Used like that, of course, "man" and "mankind" are the same thing. He meant one small step for a man. But it's a lousy quote anyway. Stiff, formal, no spontaneity, predictable. Tell us: What should Neil have said? First-prize winner gets a giant antique rag doll that looks like an employee of an 1890s San Francisco bordello, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 73, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 70, in which we asked you to come up with jokes based on sounds. But first, a special prize of "The Toilets of New York," a hilariously humorless book reviewing public restrooms in New York City, to Bill Swisher of Silver Spring, who submitted the following: Q: What is "Q: What is Sis Boom Bah? A: The sound of an exploding sheep." A: It is the sound of a Style Invitational reader plagiarizing Johnny Carson, circa 1982. No, this is not particularly funny, but it wins Bill an award for honesty because it distinguishes him from the many, many other people who submitted the identical joke but claimed it as their own. We are now going to name all those people, a truly pathetic assemblage of thieves and idiots: Elliott R. Howard of Leesburg, Scott Ferry of Poolesville, Dann Dickerstein of Washington ... Okay, we are making these names up. Next time, we won't be so kind. Get the picture, all you Steal Invitationalists out there? Splendid. Third Runner-up: What is "Cling! Dink! Knock! Phump! Bang! Doink! Bump! Clonk! Fong! Brick! Whack! Glorp! Cloong! Padagoink!"? Kevin Duckworth, shooting baskets. (Adam K. Lee, Washington) Second Runner-up: What is "Doodly-dingly-doodly-dingly-doodly-dingly-pow-pow-pow-doodly-dingly-doodly-dingly"? The Good Humor drive-by killer strikes again. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) First Runner-up: What is "Swish Swish, Swish Swish"? Michael Jordan switching careers. (Gene O'Neill, Gaithersburg; also, Noah Schenendorf, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the Miss Piggy bank: What is "AAAAAAaaaaaa ... "? Unfortunately, no one had taken the trouble to explain to the Wicked Witch of the West the difference between a bidet and a toilet. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: What is "Fssssss ... Fssssss"? On his deathbed, Robin Hood shoots again, deciding not to be buried in the cesspool. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What is "Biff! Grunt. Pow! Wheeze. Bap! Moan"? Adam West reprises his role as Batman. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) What is "Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring"? A call to a D.C. government office. (William J. Irvin, Fort Washington) What goes "Vroom Screech, Vroom Screech"? A blond at a flashing red light. (Sandi Quallich, Germantown) What is "Snap Crackle Poop"? The sound of a bowl of Rice Crappies. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) What is "Wham! Boing! Wham! Boing! Wham! Boing! Ding!"? Round 11 of the Ali-Gumby fight. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) What goes "BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!"? A cannonball-only rendition of the "1812" Overture. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) What is "Scratch. Sniff. Plop"? The gas company's Chloroform Awareness Card, another bad idea. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) What is "Meow plink plink, Meow plink plink"? The world's fastest violinmaker. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What is "Ow! Ow! Ow!"? A man with stigmata on his palm runs for office in Virginia. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What is "Bibbity Bobbitty Boo"? The ghost of severed parts. (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg) What is "Xxxxxxxxx Xxxxxxxxxx Xxxxxxxxx"? Malcolm X, snoring. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And last, and the winner of a handsome toidy: What is "Hippety-hop, hippety-hop, hippety-hop, thud"? How I hope to tell my husband that I'm pregnant, by having him read it in the Style Invitational. (Joann Rizzo, Woodbridge) Next Week: Caption Crunch III ====================================================================== WEEK 74, published July 24, 1994 Week 74: Shirt Happens This week's contest was prompted by our profound respect for women. Alas, in the last few months, the Style Invitational has been a debacle for the fillies. Male winners have been seriously outnumbering female winners, and here is why: The leading numero-uno Big Kahuna smartypant woman contestant has stopped submitting entries. What happened to "Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring"? Why has she abandoned her sisters to the foul odiou ness of Chuck Smith of Woodbridge? At first we thought it might be because we were a teensy bit late in mailing out Linda's first-prize award of a complete boxed set of Barry Manilow CDs, which she won in 1993 but which was not shipped until, er, last Tuesday. But then we remembered that Linda once wrote in that she does not even own a CD player and planned to use the $90 set of high-resolution CDs as "coasters." So that couldn't be it. Desperate for a clue, we riffled through old entries to find Linda's last one. It was in April. With it was appended a little note, politely observing that our blue "Year 2" T-shirts were just a bit tacky, inasmuch as they are the color of cheap gum balls, the sweaty, sticky kind you get in machines raising money for Taiwanese softball leagues. Also, the shirts appeared to feature an image of a person pooping. IS THAT ALL, LINDA? YOU HAVE BETRAYED YOUR GENDER BECAUSE OF ... FASHION CONSCIOUSNESS? Fine. Splendid, then. Just for you we have redesigned the T-shirt, featuring the elegant artwork of the official Style Invitational designer, Mr. Robert Staake, of the St. Louis, Mo., Staakes. We think you will find Mr. Robert's stylings much more tasteful. Okay? You back in the fold? Anyway, in 10 words or fewer, what should the back of the T-shirt say? We are looking for a slogan that befits the prestige and dignity of this contest. Winner gets a huge burlap sack filled with barley goo and yeast, which allegedly you can brew at home into 2 1/2 gallons of beer, a value of $ 40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 74, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, July 31. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 71, in which we asked you to submit new captions for any photo or illustration appearing anywhere in The Washington Post on July 3. Fourth Runner-Up: Before the invention of the color copier, the Army spent millions perfecting the high-resolution Silly Putty print. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Third Runner-Up: The newest chic dish in trendy Washington restaurants is deep-fried rat in a light tomato puree. (Earl F. Gilbert, La Plata; also, Kathleen Pendracky, Avella, Pa.) Second Runner-Up: Terminally ill with cancer, Colombian defender Andres Escobar knocks the ball into his own goal on the advice of his doctor, Jack Kevorkian. (Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner-Up: Sen. Donald Riegle Jr., left, goes the distance in beating nine-time champion Martina Navratilova in the 1994 Dristan nose-pick challenge. Sen. David Pryor, center, failed to qualify. (Richard Gillcrist, Rockville) And The Winners of the cheap Coca-Cola clocks: A brazenly unrepentant Marion Barry campaigns in D.C. with a misspelled T-shirt plainly advertising that he is "Buying Powder." (Richard E. Brock, Adelphi; also, Ellen Meyerson, Bethesda) Honorable Mentions "I've got your health care package right here." (John Kammer, Herndon) Ape is caught smuggling naugahides out of Africa. (Larry A. Gordon, Potomac) Many naive consumers in the early 1950s purchased floor model radios with still photographs mounted on top, believing that these were "those television sets everybody's talking about." (Earl F. Gilbert, La Plata) Teacher recertification standards hit an all-time low. (Seraj Ali, xxxx) Spring training for Michael Jordan was a bigger adjustment than he had figured. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) In a debate with former surgeon general C. Everett Koop, the president of the American Tobacco Institute maintains that cigarettes do not cause health problems. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Dark lines indicate the route traveled by O.J. during live TV coverage of the chase. (John Wallington, Silver Spring) Early pornography was more symbolic than explicit. (Christie Houser, Alexandria) Maryland Lt. Gov. Melvin Steinberg attacks the doctor responsible for replacing his left arm with several microphones. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Luis Martinez performs the traditional Mexican Testicle Dance celebrating a goal against Switzerland. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Yes, Mr. Hoffa. All we need is your footprints in this box of cement, and you can have this free painting. (Gary Cornelison, Monrouth, Md.) Uh-oh! Foul! In soccer, only the goalkeeper is allowed to touch the ball with his hands. (Judy Premer, Baker, W.Va.) One imaginative but ultimately unsuccessful experiment used a live killer whale instead of an internal combustion engine. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Next Week: Visions of Hell. ====================================================================== WEEK 75, published July 31, 1994 Week 75: Curses! "You should grow like an onion, with your head in the ground." "May you lose all your teeth except one, so you can still get a toothache." "May you become famous, so famous they name a fatal disease after you." "You should live like a chandelier, hanging by day and burning by night." This week's contest was prompted by the fact that Yiddish, the language of this Czar's sainted grandma, is a dying tongue. With it will disappear some of the most colorful curses ever devised, such as all those above. We must not let this happen. Your challenge: Come up with modern maledictions in the wise and entertaining Yiddish tradition. Printable ones only, please. First-prize winner gets an official dorky Star Trek Space Pen, part of a limited edition, a value of $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 75, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Aug. 8. Please include your address and phone number. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 72, in which we asked for concepts of Hell for famous people. But first a response to several whiny letter writers who urged us to exercise compassion toward people who send in old jokes as their own, people we threatened to punish via public humiliation. Very well. We have reconsidered, and welcome all you drooling boneheads back to the game, without penalty other than the one God has already assessed you. Third Runner-Up: Ollie North's Hell: Under oath, with his mortal soul on the line, in front of the heavenly tribunal, he swears he's a liar. No one believes him. (Edward Roeder, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Imelda Marcos's Hell: She is a minimum-wage sales associate at Shoe Galaxy, and her only customers are Blondie Bumstead, Cathy and her mother, and Lucy Ricardo. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) First Runner-Up: Dr. Kevorkian's Hell: In eternal private practice, he has a lavish office but only two patients: Rasputin and Lazarus. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the Fabulous Frog Band: Bill Clinton's Hell: He actually feels our pain. Every time someone stubs a toe, gets a root canal, falls down the stairs, suffers a stabbing hemorrhoidal burn . . . (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) Honorable Mentions: John Bobbitt's Hell: Night after night he is a guest on Johnny Carson. Ed Ames is throwing tomahawks at him. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) William F. Buckley's Hell: He is forced to talk continually, but is not permitted to use the subjunctive mood. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Geraldo Rivera's Hell: Deep in the bowels of Hades, Geraldo comes upon a sealed door marked "Entrance to Heaven." After toiling for centuries, he is finally able to pry it open. There is nothing there. Geraldo comes to another door marked "Entrance to Heaven . . ." (Larry Covey, Columbia) Daniel Patrick Moynihan's Hell: The entire U.S. is redistricted and he must continually run for reelection as a senator from West Virginia. (Larry Covey, Columbia) Michael Eisner's Hell: The glove found at the L.A. crime scene belongs to Mickey Mouse. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Bill Gates's Three Levels of Hell: 1. They are using OS/2. 2. They are using Kaypro IIs. 3. He is handed an abacus. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Thomas Malthus's Hell: His publisher insists on printing Malthus's name on the flyleaf as: THOMAS MALTHUS Hertz Corp.'s Hell: The only celebrities who agree to become its new spokesperson are Mike Tyson, Pee-wee Herman and Michael Jackson (Steven J. Cohen, Fairfax) Nancy Kerrigan's Hell: She is at Disney World. It is corny as hell. She is playing a Whack-a-Mole game. She is the mole. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) John Bobbitt's Hell: Mumps. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) H.L. Mencken's Hell: He is sent to the Ozarks to arbitrate grammar disputes. (John L. Brown and Lynn Sidehamer, State College, Pa.) Bill Clinton's Hell: He is surrounded by shapely women with big hair, miniskirts and white plastic boots. Every hour they deliver to him an Arkansas state trooper. (John Brock, Reston) Harry Houdini's Hell: Every ticket in the theater is sold. The orchestra is playing his entrance fanfare. He is locked in his dressing room and can't get out. (Ken Trombly, Bethesda) Charles Goren's Hell: For this rubber, deuces and one-eyed jacks are wild. For the next rubber, aces may be used as high or low. For the following rubber, pass three cards to the left after the bidding is closed. For the . . . (Christie Houser, Alexandria) Joyce Kilmer's Hell: He is abandoned in a dense forest from which there is no escape. (John L. Brown and Lynn Sidehamer, State College, Pa.) Michael Dukakis's Hell: Everyone drives a tank while he's issued a Barney Big Wheel. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Hillary's Hell: She goes to what she thinks is Heaven, until she realizes everyone but her has a halo. (Tom Neven, Spotsylvania, Va.) William Safire's Hell: He meets St. Peter. He is given a choice between two doors. One is marked "Flammable." The other is marked "Inflammable." (Alison Sohmer, Reston) Philip Morris Executive's Hell: The research performed by our scientists provides conclusive proof that these people are in no pain at all. The increase in the sulfur concentration only serves to improve the air's aroma. Scriptural reports of suffering and eternal torment are biased accusations by extremists in the anti-Hell lobby. (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg) Chuck Smith's Hell: He never again wins the Style Invitational but appears only in other people's winning entries. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And Last: Katharine Graham's Hell: Every Sunday, her copy of the Washington Post consists of pages A1, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2 and Parade magazine. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Next Week: Lunacy ====================================================================== WEEK 76, published August 7, 1994 Week 76: Adios. Sorry. No examples this week. It's August, and we're outta here. This week's contest was prompted by the fact that August gets no respect. Washington gets as empty as a dumpster full of anxieties. Public discourse gets as thin as a soup made from the shadow of a chicken that starved to death. People make like infinitives and split. This is an intolerable affront to a month with many fine qualities. Tell us: In 40 words or fewer, what is great about August in Washington. You'll have to wait six weeks for your answers, because the Invitational is on sabbatical. First-prize winner gets a fabulous giant-size 1975 calendar featuring the tortured likenesses of all the presidents of the United States and spotlighting, in a large portrait, President Gerald R. Ford, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 76, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Aug. 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in six weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 73, in which we asked you what Neil Armstrong should have said when he landed on the moon. Several disturbingly popular themes emerged: 1. Neil has to pee real bad, usually because of excessive consumption of Tang. 2. Neil steps in poo from the cow that jumped over the moon. 3. Neil "cuts the cheese." 4. Neil and/or Buzz drops trou and "earths" the moon. What is wrong with you people? This here is a classy contest. We would no sooner dignify this sort of crude humor than we would stick a subliminal toilet joke in our ear. Fourth Runner-Up: "Is it my imagination, Buzz, or does the moon look really big tonight?" (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) Third Runner-Up: "Line!" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; also, Chuck Coleman, Oakton, and Bill McClatchie, Fairfax) Second Runner-Up: "At last, a place where white men can jump." (Christie Houser, Alexandria; also, Robert Lisle, Staunton, Va., and Austin Doyle, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: "Cool! Now the moon is flat and the Earth is round!" (Mark P. Hurst, Germantown) And the Winner of the bordello rag doll: "One hundred eighty-seven thousand six hundred forty-four bottles of beer on the wall . . . " (Stu Segal, Vienna) Honorable Mentions "If we can do this, why can't we make a painless nose hair remover?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Help! I've risen and I can't get down!" Mark P. Hurst, Germantown) "Houston? Armstrong here. . . . No, dammit, Neil Armstrong." (Angus MacLean Thuermer, Middleburg, Vt.) "A man on the moon! Good God, what's next, the Mets winning the World Series?" (David Avagliano Treber, Silver Spring) "Houston? I thought this would be a good time to ask for a raise." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Hey, Buzz. I bet ya 'Who is Michael Collins?' will be a great 'Jeopardy!' question . . . in, like, about two weeks! Hahahaha." (Gregory A. James, Fairmount Heights) "Okay, Buzz. I'm throwing the key in. You can undo the cuffs and come out now." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "Bein' as how there's no other place around the place, I reckon this must be the place." (Jim Barnes, Leesburg) "That's one small step for an individual of male gender, one giant leap for non-gender-specific pan-ethnic chronologically diverse beings whose different methods of worshiping an omnipotent creator who/that meaningfully guides history and their lives, or not recognizing any such being at all, are equally meritorious." (Joan Koury, Washington) "Wow! Deja vu!" (Russ Beland, Springfield; also, Waldo L. Jaquith, Free Union, Va.) "Houston, I am picking up some kind of alien transmission. I hear a laugh track, and now someone, or something has just said, 'To the Earth, Alizorg! Do you hear me, to the Earth!' " (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Hello, Domino's? Let's get this straight. You guarantee delivery anywhere within 30 minutes or the pizza is free, right?" (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.) "Hey guys, this plaque says "Richard F. Nixon." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Hey, look. There's a monkey hitting another monkey with a bone over there." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "Houston, this is Buzz. Armstrong told me to come out first. He, ah . . . didn't want all the glory, and he was tired too. Also, um, his radio is broken, and he's decided not to go back to Earth." (Russ Beland, Springfield) "I lost 180 pounds in three days, and I ate all the foods I really like!" (Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) And Last: "I can't help wondering how this moment will be memorialized in the newspapers in 25 years -- probably something real dignified, I am sure." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 77, published September 4, 1994 Week 77: The Rorschach of the Crowd II We're back. It's a brand-new season, we have a brand-new T-shirt and a brand-new reader-friendly attitude. In the past we may have seemed a trifle arrogant at times, as though we were some sort of infallible planetary authority on humor and you were, to put it bluntly, a battalion of doofs. Well, that is all in the past. We will no longer be condescending. "Condescending" is a great big word that means talking down to people. Anyway, This Week's Contest: What Do These Ink Blots Mean? Explain one, or more than one. You can flip them over, if you wish, but make sure to specify which side is up. First-Prize Winner gets an elegant desk sculpture, crafted from road kill by fine Mexican artisan-taxidermists, depicting two frogs playing billiards, a value of 90,000 pesos. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 77, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Sept. 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 74, in which we asked you to come up with a slogan for the back of the new and improved Style Invitational T-shirt. The funniest entry ineligible for a prize (it violated the word-length rule) was submitted by Larry Covey of Columbia, Md.: "My Parents Went to Colombia and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt With Little Bags of Sugar Sewn Into It." Fifth Runner-Up: Need Help. Call Police. (David King, Washington) Fourth Runner-Up: Right. Like YOU'RE Stephen Hawking. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Third Runner-Up: Losing Is Like Death, but Without Your Eyelids Sewn Shut (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: I'm With Stupid ART DEPT: 'WITH' IS CROSSED OUT (Linda "Kvetch" Malcolm, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: Ask Me About My Bodily Function Joke (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) And the Winner of the Burlap Sack Filled With Goo: New and Imporved T-Shirt (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Honorable Mentions: It's a Lousy Contest and I'm Lousy at It (Gary D. Michaels, Potomac) I Am Not an Animal (Stu Segal, Vienna) "And Thus Do I Clothe My Naked Villainy." -- Shakespeare I Think (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) When the Thermometer Pops Out of My Butt, I'm Done (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Oh, I Thought You Said Butt Light (Larry A. Gordon, Potomac) Not an Employee of The Washington Post or a Member of Their Immediate Family (Bruce W. Alter, Springfield) My Other T-Shirt Is the Nobel Prize (J. F. Martin, Falls Church) Don't Bother Me, I'm Trying to Walk (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) I'm Going to Euro Disney! (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Smith Happens (Paul Styrene, Olney) Puns of Steel (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Eastern Bloc Judges Screwed Me (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Don't Stop Thinking About Next Week (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) That Which Does Not Kill Us Often Hurts Us Badly (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Attn. Colleagues: Knife Goes Here (Don Maclean, Burke) Virtual Banality (Chris Rooney, Reston) It's a Geek Thing. You Wouldn't Understand. (Jim Day, Gaithersburg) Warning: Objects in T-Shirt Are Closer Than They Appear. (James M. Lopez, Quantico; also, Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) How's My Walking? FAX 202-334-4312 (Joseph Romm, Washington; also, Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, and Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Almost as Funny as "The Family Circus" (Ignatius McBundy, Silver Spring) I Yield to the Gentleman From Woodbridge (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Veni, Vidi, Olfeci (I Came, I Saw, I Stank) (Jessie Geitl, Washington) Next Week: Curses! ====================================================================== WEEK 78, published September 11, 1994 Week 78 : Seeking Smart Morons A Personal And Confidential Fax District Government Great Britain Family Vacation This Week's Contest was suggested by Tom C. Korologos of Washington, who wins a skull and crossbones flag. Tom proposes that you come up with an oxymoron for our times: an expression made bogus by the fact that it combines incompatible, contradictory ideas. First-prize winner gets a spectacular, mint-condition wire hubcap from a 1986 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham, purchased from and authenticated by none other than Dick Terselic, The Hubcap Man of Rockville Pike. This is a value, believe it or not, of $84 and is suitable for framing or affixing onto the wheel of a 1986 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 78, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Sept. 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 75, in which we asked you to come up with colorful curses in the great Yiddish tradition. Fourth Runner-Up: May your hair never turn gray, so everyone thinks you dye it. (Stephen Mather, College Park) Third Runner-Up: May you be caught shoplifting by a security camera, which adds 10 pounds to you in court. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Second Runner-Up: May the ladies on 14th Street call out your name as you drive by with your wife. And may your wife call back to them by theirs. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) First Runner-Up: May you be a contestant on "Jeopardy!" playing against my 7-year-old son and the only categories are Power Rangers, X-Men and fart noises. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the Winner of the dorky Star Trek Pen: May your children be so clever they are acquitted of murdering you. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: May your final sight be buzzards fighting over your best parts. (Chuck Hawkins, Oakton) May your yeast infection grow so large it will yield enough bread to feed all the starving of the world. (Erica Hughes, McLean) May your teenage daughter's grades show radical improvement, but only in the classes in which she has a male teacher. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) May you be 72 hours away from being executed for a murder you didn't commit when the real killer confesses to authorities in a letter he mails from the District of Columbia. (Bernie Harris, Woodbridge) May your ex-spouse's new lover work for the IRS. (Starr Mayer, Hayes, Va.) May you own a mansion with 10 bedrooms, and on each bed may there lounge an unemployed son watching MTV. (John Cushing, Washington) May your toenails grow into your shoes. (David L. Howison, Lexington, Va.) May your rock album be declared obscene and create a vast parental outcry across America, and still not sell. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) May you fall on your tuchus into a vat of Rogaine. (Janet Millenson, Potomac) May you be so handsome your cell mates fight over you. (Joseph Romm, Washington) May you die in a fiery crash with Jim Carrey and entry into Heaven depends on who can make the best faces. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) May you become wealthy when your wife writes a bestseller. May it be titled: "Size Isn't Everything: The Unlucky Married Woman's Guide to Somehow Finding Satisfaction." (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) May you get a call from Blockbuster because you returned a tape of you and your spouse instead of "The Firm." (Steve Kent, Crofton) May your life be like a fairy tale. May you be eaten by a wolf. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) May you become a poster child for Spontaneous Human Combustion. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) May you grow old gracefully, just like Howard Metzenbaum. (Jessie Gietl, Washington) May the O. J. Simpson verdict come in at the moment your news conference is scheduled. (Karen Lubienicki, Laurel) You should live to be 120 years old. Beginning in 1875. (Bernie Harris, Woodbridge) May you see the dawning of an era of peace in which all men and women, of every nation, race and creed, come together, united by their hatred of you. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) May you become a serial killer, hoping for a cool nickname like "Zodiac Killer" or "Midnight Maniac," but instead be labeled something stupid like "The Noogie Murderer." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) May you be so beautiful and famous that Michael Jackson marries you just to prove he isn't an antisocial virgin or pervert-pedophile. (Joseph Romm, Washington) May the parents of the Jackson 5 get to name your children. (Russ Beland, Tel Aviv and Queens, N.Y.) May your contact lens pop out into the urinal at the bus station. (Woody Franke, Canberra, Australia) May you live long enough to see a movie starring the offspring of Michael and Lisa Marie. (Woody Franke, Canberra, Australia) May you become an insult comedian in Medellin, Colombia. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) May you be drafted by the Baltimore Orioles as their backup shortstop. (Greg vArnold, Herndon) And Last: May all your bat mitzvah gifts be the envy of the guy who shops for Style Invitational prizes. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Next Week: August in Washington ====================================================================== WEEK 79, published September 18, 1994 Week 79: TERROR-DACTYL Piggledy Jiggery Pokery Doc Jack Kevorkian Gave us a gizmo To make people croak. Abracadaver! Nothing remarkable! Marlboro did it With mere puffs of smoke. Higgledy Piggledy Benjamin Harrison, Twenty-third president Was, and, as such, Served between Clevelands And save for this trivial Idiosyncrasy Didn't do much. This week's contest is very very difficult. It was proposed by Paul Richard, the Washington Post's art critic. Paul gets a velvet Elvis. man Paul suggests that you come up with a double dactyl, which is an obscure type of poetry that is to the limerick what Leonardo da Vinci is to a dung beetle, in terms of life-form comparisons. We must admit this contest idea seems more appropriate to the weekly Competition in New York magazine, which fancies itself a literary adventure and regularly solicits frightfully amusing pastiches of 16th-century iambic verse, than to the Style Invitational, which traffics fairly exclusively in colo-rectal humor. However, we wish to prove our readers every bit as pretentious as New York readers. So. Send us a double dactyl. Here are the rules: The first line must be a nonsense phrase of five to seven syllables containing exactly two downbeats. HIG-gle-dy PIG-gle-dy is often used. The second line must be a name, in five to seven syllables but only two downbeats (GEORGE Steph-an-OP-ou-los; PEE-Wee the OR-gan-ist). The remaining six lines must contain four to seven syllables and two downbeats each, with Lines 4 and 8 rhyming. Are you getting this? Somewhere in the poem, one line must consist of only one word (EX-tem-por-AN-e-a). And the whole thing has to be on the subject of national health care reform. Hahaha. Just kidding. We wouldn't want to make it too hard. You can write about any subject. Listen, it's easier than it looks. Just read the above poems aloud (the first is ours, the second the work of double-dactyl pioneer John Hollander) and you will get it. First Prize Winner, should there be one through some miracle, gets a fairly spectacular working chrome 1950s art deco one-slice toaster, a value of $80. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 79, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Sept. 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 76, in which we asked you to discuss the great advantages of Washington in August. Third Runner-Up: The mulberry slime is gone from the sidewalk, and the black walnut slime has not yet appeared. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: In August, lawmakers leave town, creating a "power vacuum" that D.C. residents may then use to do end-of-summer cleaning around the house. (Mark P. Hurst, Germantown.) First Runner-Up: It offers the chance to be memorialized in thousands of family scrapbooks around the world by popping up behind those unsuspecting two- and threesomes just as their pictures are taken. (Stu Segal, Vienna) And the winner of the Gerald Ford Calendar: August in Washington is GREAT! The skies are sunny, temperatures rarely get above 80 degrees, the mountains are majestic and snow-capped, the evenings are bracingly chilly with fabulous grunge nightlife. . . . (Sue Witner, Bellingham, Wash.) Honorable Mentions: Anyone likely to say "hot enough for ya?" has already been killed. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) One has a better chance of seeing Janet Reno in a bikini. (Chris Rooney, Reston) Washington in August is as good a place as any to stay away from Woodstock again in. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) We don't use as much ammunition driving on Interstate 395. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) At least this August we weren't the only major U.S. city without big-league baseball. (Mike Thring, Leesburg; Elsa Newman, Bethesda) Perp walks are conducted under "dress down day" rules. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) No matter how hot it gets, you can always cheer yourself up with the knowledge that there are actually people who pay money to take their vacations here. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The following persons will have a birthday and therefore be one year closer to death and/or mandatory retirement: Elvis Costello, Steve Guttenberg, Ron Brown, Connie Chung, Alfonse D'Amato, Geraldine Ferraro, Pee-wee Herman, Michael Jackson, Robin Leach, Madonna, Sean Penn, Jerry Falwell and Bill Clinton. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) You can take your Aunt Bessie and Uncle Ned to see the cherry trees without running into everyone else's Cousin Merle. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) In August, the world Gee Haw Whimmy Diddle competition takes place here. (Barbara Bryce, Adelphi) You can sit naked on your front porch with the Sunday Post on your lap and no one can tell the difference. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And Last: I am a teacher. (Laura Ditrapani Clairmont, Centreville) Next week: The Rorschach of the Crowd. ====================================================================== WEEK 80, published September 25, 1994 Week 80: Nick Knacks Henry "The Impotent" of Castile Pope Clement VII, "The Butcher of Cesena" George "The Mad Bomber" Metesky Fred "Bonehead" Merkle Vyacheslav "Stone-Ass" Molotov Jimmy "The Weasel" Fratianno Margaret "The Gorgeous Hussy" Eaton William "Pussyfoot" Johnson Except possibly for Mafiosi, and they are a dying breed, no one has cool nicknames anymore. All of the above were taken from the Dictionary of Historic Nicknames. This Week's Contest: Come up with a great nickname for any contemporary celebrity. First-prize winner receives "The Cottage Physician," a fabulously misinformed antique medical text autographed by the Czar of the Style Invitational, who purchased it at an antiques store for $5 but hereby assigns it a value of $ 62,300. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 80, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to (202) 334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Oct. 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads, making a startling reappearance, requests onomatopoeia, made-up words that sound like the things they are describing. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 77, in which you were asked to interpret Rorschach blots. Many of the better entries utilized more than one of the blots. One of our favorites was by Noah Schenendorf of Gaithersburg, who said all six blots, taken together, represented "works of modern art by Desmond Howard, for which Redskins GM Charlie Casserly paid millions." Third Runner-Up: (Blot 3) This ultrasound view of the female abdomen shows that storks really are involved in human reproduction. (Steve Dunham, Fredericksburg) Second Runner-Up: (Blot 1) What xxxx intends to name his first son. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) First Runner-Up: (Blot 6) It was not until deeper excavations on Easter Island that the colostomy bags were discovered. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the Winner of the Two Frogs Playing Pool: Halloween in Georgetown (Dennis Goris, Alexandria) Blot No. 1 A chandelier made from the spines and vertebrae of politicians. (Richard E. Brock, Adelphi) Major league baseball owners have resorted to genetic engineering to produce replacement players. Initial attempts have been unsuccessful. (Kurt Larrick, Burke) The common wishbone, redesigned to meet federal safety standards. (John J. Kammer, Herndon) Blot No. 2 Marilyn Quayle comes face to face with the Devil. (D.J. Dohahey, Reston) The controversial Shroud of Mary Tyler Moore. (Gloria Federico, Springfield) Blot No. 3 The Cowardly Lion after cosmetic surgery. His doctor misunderstood when told the lion wanted little tucks around his eyes. (Ann M. Burton, N. Bethesda) Dan Quayle's Zero Population Growth Plan involves Air Force fighters destroying stork habitats. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) The June Taylor Dancers performing "Swan Lake." (Larry Gordon, Potomac) Blot No. 4 What Madonna wears to church. (Susan Davis, Beltsville) A reflected image of a decapitated buffalo, next year's Bills logo if they lose the Super Bowl again. (T.L. McBride, Upper Marlboro) Blot No. 5(Upside down) Opus, bound and gagged. (Stu Segal, Vienna) (Upside down) A rear view of refrigerator repair men building a human pyramid. (Marta Graffy Sparrow, Springfield) Mickey Mouse checking Stan Laurel for head lice. (Doug Burns, Falls Church) The ill-conceived Mighty Morphin Power Penguin. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Blot No. 6 The jacket cover for the new book "Women of the Supreme Court." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Manic-depressive thought balloons. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) There were constant arguments between the twins as to who would get to wear both earrings that night. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) (Upside down) A new form of birth control: ankle weights for sperm. (Bill Epstein, Bethesda) And Last: Mr. Style Comes a-Courtin' (Kathleen Pendracky, Avella, Pa.) Next Week: Smart Morons ====================================================================== WEEK 81, published October 2, 1994 Week 81: Heads You Lose This Week's Contest: Take any two or more headlines anywhere in today's Washington Post, and combine them to make a funnier headline. You can do all sorts of cutting and pasting: You may discard words and redistribute words, but you may not cut up words. (The smallest movable unit is the word, not the letter.) We would prefer that you do actual cutting and pasting, but will not disqualify written or typed entries. In either case, please indicate on which pages the constituent headlines appeared. First-prize winner receives the fantastic magicians' Knife-Through-the-Arm Trick, with a coupon for free blood-spatter capsules, a value of $85. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Losers T-Shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Entries will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. Mail them to the Style Invitational, Week 81, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads again requests examples of onomatopoeia, words that sound like what they define. Mail to Style Invitational, Onomatopoeia Contest, etc. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 78, in which we asked you to come up with Oxymorons, expressions composed of contradictory or incompatible elements. But first, the winners of the "Whatever Happened to Week 64?" contest, in which you were asked to explain the mysterious jump from Week 63 to Week 65. The winner of the clock featuring an American Indian who looks about as much like an American Indian as Lawrence Welk did is Joyce Rains of Bethesda, for multiple good entries, including "It got stuck to the back of Week 63" and "It was disowned from the Week 60 Family because it married Week 7, its 'common' denominator." A special mention to Larry Covey of Columbia, who pointed out that Lawrence Welk was actually an American Indian named Lawrence Walking Elk. "At the reservation the young bubblemeister-to-be learned to write his name as Lawrence W. Elk. An army recruiter later got confused. . . ." And lastly, a special mention to Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who has been bombarding us with picture postcards fashioning a bizarre and frankly insane explanation for the whereabouts of Week 64, involving a pet alligator named Leland, rampant substance abuse and an orgy at a place called Bob's Goat World. Sarah is a humongous genius who should be courted by royalty and pampered for the remainder of her life. Will you stop now, Sarah? Back to the Oxymorons: Many, many good ideas were too widely entered to reward with prizes: Civil War, Rap Music, Clinton Policy, Madonna, Clinton Plan, Rush Hour, Clinton Agenda, Postal Worker, The Honorable (Marion Barry, Oliver North, Dan Rostenkowski etc.), Priority Mail, Civil Servant, Baseball Players and, of course, Style Invitational Winner. Fifth Runner-Up: U.N. Resolution (Steven King, Alexandria) Fourth Runner-Up: Soccer Score (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Third Runner-Up: The Jackson Family Honors (Anne Wolfson, New York) Second Runner-Up: Tobacco Futures (Timothy Morgan, Laurel) First Runner-Up: True North (David Kuebrich, Fairfax; also, Chuck Nelson, Alexandria) And the winner of the spectacular Cadillac hubcaps: Reagan Memoirs (Jessica Steinhice, Washington; also, L. Woodall, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Low-Speed Chase (Glenn W. Chong, San Diego) Reader's Digest Sweepstakes Final Notice (John Wallington, Silver Spring) Monosyllabic (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) The Haft Family (Dick Holt, Arlington; also, J. Lakshmanan, Lanham) Butt-head (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) The Untold Story of O.J. Simpson (Thomas Coffey, Chantilly) A Mild-Mannered Reporter (Greg Arnold, Herndon) The Nature Co. (Steve Bunyak, Arlington) Industrial Park (David Shorr, Arlington) Hare Krishnas (Chris Rooney, Reston) Mars Observer (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Sleeping Like a Baby (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Briefings (Shelley Crossland, Centreville) Mrs. Jack Kent Cooke (Joe Willmore, Alexandria) Yom Kippur (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) And Last: Spectacular ... Hubcap (Cole Arendt, Washington) Next Week: Pterror Dactyls ====================================================================== WEEK 82, published October 9, 1994 Week 82: Picture This This week's contest marks the first triumphant return of former Style Invitational Cartoonist Marc Rosenthal, the gifted illustrator whose offbeat stylings graced these pages until we kicked his butt out the door when we got tired of him. Tell us: Who are these people, and what are they doing? First-prize winner receives a talking Pee-wee Herman doll, which sold new in 1990 for $25 but for some reason shortly thereafter became a hard-to-find collector's item. We purchased it at an antique store, a little soiled and frayed at the collar, for $ 75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 82, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Oct. 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads makes a last call for onomatopoeia, made-up words that sound like the sounds they are describing. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 79, in which we asked you to write double dactyls, a devilishly complicated and erudite poetic form we figured you could not possibly master, inasmuch as you are, as we have pointed out before, a battalion of doofs. Well, we apologize. You turned out to be a battalion of doofs with a frankly astounding facility for literary arcana. Special mention to Inger M. Pettygrove of Arlington, who violated our rule that the rhyme had to be about someone famous but nonetheless produced this gem: "Hippety hoppity/ Inger M. Pettygrove/ Wanted three kids--'I don't/ Care what the sex is.'/ Lives in a house now so / Hypertesticular/ Said to her spouse, 'don't you / Have any X's?' " Likewise, special mention to Jim Hedlund of Springfield, who should send us a steamer trunk full of cash for publishing this: "Higgledy piggledy/ Betta M. Eskeli/ Constant musician/ Occasional wife;/ Gardener, mother, and/ Bibliomaniac/ Teacher, gourmet, and/ Love of my life." Fourth Runner-Up: Higgledy piggledy Jacqueline Kennedy Wed Ari the Toad as Prince of her dreams. Mythopoetically Hoping for fairy tales, But sometimes a toad can be Just what it seems.(Barbara Holland, Bluemont, Va.) Third Runner-Up: Jiggery Pokery President Kennedy, Murdered In Dallas by Oswald alone? Incontrovertible Evidence implicates Elvis and O.J., says Oliver Stone (Chris Doyle, Burke) Second Runner-Up: Higgledy Piggledy Style Invitational Yahdahdah Yahdahdah ThisIsOneWord. Yahdahdah Yahdahdah Yahdahdah Yahdahdah, I know this ain't winning But can't it be third? (John Kammer, Herndon) First Runner-Up: Bibbity Bobbitty Marion Barry and John the aforementioned Both came to grief. Emasculation Real or political Isn't irreparable, To their relief. (Dorothy Gaillard, Woodbine, Md.) And the winner of the fabulous one-slice toaster: Chippety Choppety Jean-Bertrand Aristide Turned rather brutish but Withstood the shock Of returning to Haiti so Tontonmacoutish That now they are calling him Reverend Doc. (Kitty Thuermer, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Jiggery-pokery Contraman Oliver Asked for a permit to Armpit a gun. The judge said, "I'm sorry, it's Jurisprudentially Very much tougher to Smuggle just one." (Barbara Holland, Bluemont, Va.) Higgledy Piggledy Marion What's-His-Name Now back to serve us, this Altruist bold. Promising new days, he Unegotistically Seeks highest office With Vistas untold. (M. Gallagher, Oxon Hill) Higgledy Piggledy Lyndon and Ladybird Lunched with Westmoreland, and Got quite upset. Asked if their troubles were Gastrointestinal, Johnson replied, "It was something Viet." (Carol Uri, Alexandria) Diggety Doggety Ollie the Senator (Would-be, that is) doesn't Merit the prize Due to his penchant for Swearing to numerous Unsenatorial Little white lies. (Janis Marie Gibbs, xxx) Wonkity Bonkity Hillary Clinton Wrote health legislation To save our old bones. Uncompromisingly, Reps balked at covering All U.S. citizens But Paula Jones. (David Gionfriddo, Washington) Higgledy piggledy Gilbert & Sullivan Musical satirists, Hardly sublime. Unhesitatingly Would have approved of their Names being used in this Ludicrous rhyme. (Robin Pemantle, Madison, Wis.) Higgledy piggledy Musicotherapy, New-age psychiatry For the effete; Best known for being a Hexasyllabical Word in which none of the Letters repeat. (Robin Pemantle, Madison, Wis.) Higgledy Piggledy President Aristide, What do you look like, O myth in the mist? Geopolitically, What do you stand for? Is there something we're hiding? Do you exist? (Barbara Holland, Bluemont, Va.) Higgledy piggledy Eleanor Roosevelt's Voice on the radio Shattered the night. People found Eleanor's Bark even worse than Orthodontarily Speaking, her bite. (Barbara Holland, Bluemont, Va.) Hackery Quackery Robert the Dolorous Plenipotentiary Thinks he is God. Glorifies handguns and Ridicules basketball Pampers the powerful I think he's odd. (Edith L. Marsden, Washington) Deja-vu-istically, President Cleveland Served us in two terms Divided in date, Bracketed Benjy Historiographically, Fathered a bastard, Died one-nine-oh-eight. (Myra Purdom, Springfield) Piggery Pokery, King Michael Jackson Married the Princess Lisa Marie. Who is the husband? Who is the wifey? Gives a new meaning to Androgyny. (Trudy Wayne Howland, Alexandria) Higgledy Piggledy J. Martin Tupperman, Little-known scientist, Not quite renowned. Proved his First Theorem of Defenestration, But landed before he could Jot it all down. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Hippety Hoppety, Linda Byrd Johnson Robb Roots for her Chuck as his Campaign goes forth. Hoping that galloping Anti-incumbency Won't cause Virginians to Choose to go North. (Bob Lieblich, Arlington) Higgledy Piggledy William J. Clinton Bespoke his affection for Burgers and fries. Why does he patronize Greaselumpatoriums? Makes him just one (and a half) of the guys. (Joe Hoffman, Falls Church) And Practically Last: Nickety Pickety J. Martin, Miss Manners, Fights hard for etiquette Fears its demise Incontrovertible! Yet she is losing! This boorish feature is Twice her own's size. (Steve Wartik, Rockville) And Last: Hippety Hoppity Pee-wee the organist Was better than Bobbitt At holding his own Which we mention because the Style Invitational's Phallocentricity's Very well known. (Barbara Holland, Bluemont, Va. Next Week: Nick Knacks. ====================================================================== WEEK 83, published October 16, 1994 Week 83: Bedroom Farce 1. Why, in your opinion, do some women think it is sexy to shave off their eyebrows and paint on new ones, higher up? 2. Have you ever had sex in an airplane? Have you ever had sex on a luggage carousel? 3. Which of these words do you find most offensive? a) seersucker; b) organism; c) but. For men: Betty, or Wilma? For Women: Maynard G. Krebs or Lumpy Rutherford? 4. Have you ever ordered a pair of edible underwear at the drive-through window of a McDonald's? This Week's Contest: We have just finished reading the Great New American Sex Survey, which reports all sorts of questionable results, such as that Americans do not cheat on their spouses a lot, that Baptists are wild animals in the sack, and that Americans don't like oral sex all that much (a result we find in, er, poor taste). We are thinking that even if true, these results are unspeakably dull, because the researchers asked all the wrong questions. What we want to know is: What questions were left out? What do you want to know about intimate relations between the genders that this survey has not told us? Please, folks, exercise restraint and maturity. Remember that the editors of this reprehensible feature must answer to individuals in business suits who, in terms of personal rectitude, make the Queen of England seem like Heidi Fleiss. First-prize winner gets a foot-tall full-color plaster statuette of Lou Costello, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 83, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Oct. 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 80, in which we asked you to come up with nicknames for famous people. An odd statistic: We received 1,250 entries, about 400 of which involved Bill Clinton or the Bobbitts. Emasculation appears to be the "in" topic. A special thank you to librarian Jessica Steinhice of Washington, who apparently did some research and sent us her all-time favorite nickname, California Angels catcher Doug "Eyechart" Gwosdz. Jessica, you are spending waaay too much time in the stacks. Fifth Runner-Up: "Curtains" Kevorkian (Mary Whittington, Washington) Fifth Fourth Runner-Up: Bill "Have You Noticed I Never Talk When Hillary Is Drinking a Glass of Water" Clinton (Thomas Edward Knibb, Walkersville) Third Runner-Up: Boutros Boutros "Boutros" Ghali (Philip Delduke, Bethesda; also, Deena MacDonald Andrus, Hughesville) Second Runner-Up: X, the "X X X X" (Paul "Wonderboy" Styrene, Olney; also, David Sullivan, Washington; and Michael Garawski and Michelle Lefferts, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Ollie North, "The Lyin' King" (Jim Town, California, Md.; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And The Winner of "The Cottage Physician," a hilariously misinformed 1902 home medical book: John "Magic Johnson" Bobbitt (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Bill "Buckner" Clinton (Eric Robert Jablow, Reston) John " " Bobbitt (Buster Baker, Silver Spring) Henry "The Philanthropist" Cisneros (Patricia Smith, Fairfax Station) Lorena "The Mohel" Bobbitt (Steve Cohen, Fairfax; also, Robert Oshinsky, N. Bethesda; Bill Epstein, Bethesda) Tony "Sentence. Fragment." Kornheiser (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Andy "Don't You Just Hate Nicknames? I Know I Do" Rooney (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) Barry "The Commander of Pander" Diller (Rose Stack, Arlington) Lorena "The Impaler" Bobbitt (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) v Marion "The Inhaler" Barry (Delores A. Shaffer, Alexandria) Tony "Why on Earth Should I Use Just One Word When There Are Many, Many Other Assorted Words That I Can Use Very Extremely Appropriately, If Somewhat Redundantly and Repetitively, for Both Emphasis and Even Also for Emphasis in This Particular Journalistic Situation, to Fill Space" Kornheiser (Patricia Smith, Fairfax Station) "Oily" North (Fred Darfler, Elkton) Bill "Flip" Clinton (Keith Willauer, Blacksburg) Dave "CAPS LOCK" Barry (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Yo-Yo "Yo Ma-Ma" Ma (Mary Whittington, Washington) Chuck "Throb" Robb (Blair Ewing, Clarksville) "Interim" President Clinton (Rob Carter, Bethesda) Mack "The Knifed" McLarty (Austin Doyle, Silver Spring) Rose "By Any Other Name" Anne (Joseph Romm, Washington) Janet "Buckstopper" Reno (Bev Wiedeman, Manassas) Monica "Old Yeller" Seles (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Lorena "The Tungsten Sickle" Bobbitt (J. Kammer, Herndon) John "The Prince of Wince" Bobbitt (Greg Wilinski, Springfield) "Blink" Cedras (Stu Siegal, Vienna) Bill "I Can't Make Up My Mind What My Nickname Is" Clinton. (Cara Liebenson, Potomac) John "Slack Willy" Bobbitt (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cecil "Pops" Jacobson (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Richard "Millstone" Nixon (Joseph Romm, Washington) Zsa Zsa "The Sultan of Slap" Gabor (Joseph Romm, Washington) Boutros "Duplicate Words Found. Delete Second?" Boutros-Ghali (David Mathiason, Washington) And Last: Jimmy "Week 64" Hoffa (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) and, April "Can't Take It Anymore" Carnahan (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: Heads, You Lose ====================================================================== WEEK 84, published October 23, 1994 Week 84: The Washington Irvings The Suffern (N.Y.) Succotashes The Manlius (N.Y.) Guys-in-Town The Simpson (S.C.) Media Frenzies The Moody (Ala.) Bastards The Maalaea (Ha.) Vowels The Kenedy (Tx.) Misspellers This Week's Contest was suggested by Michael Faden of Bethesda, who wins some owl puke. This is not just any old owl puke. This one is guaranteed to contain mouse or insect bones, and be suitable for dissection. A big gob of the stuff arrived in our office as part of a press kit from the Children's Museum of Washington. You would have won this fine prize too if you had been as smart as Michael, who proposed that you come up with creative names for the high school football teams of real towns in America. You will probably need an atlas for this one. First-prize winner gets a really fancy harmonica with a wah-wah button, a value of $60. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 84, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Halloween. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Results of Week 81, in which you were asked to cut up any headlines from that Sunday's Post, and rearrange the words into more interesting headlines. Fifth Runner-Up: North Stuffed Robb in Toilet: Campaign Going Down the Drain (Elaine Lederman, Herndon) Fourth Runner-Up: O.J. Hopes to Catch Plague (Karen Rogers, Fairfax) Third Runner-Up: It's Cheaper to Let Armed Men Rob People as Alternative to Costly Rides in D.C. Taxicabs (Ted Huntington, Upper Marlboro) Second Runner-Up: Barry Urges Speed as Alternative to Blow (Daniel G. Rosen, Bowie) First Runner-Up: O.J. Freed, Police Search for 3-Armed Man (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) And the Winner of the Magician's Knife-Thru-Arm Illusion with free blood spatter: God Upset at Washington Liar Parade -- Reprimands Stun Clinton, Reagan, Bush, Robb, North and Marion Barry (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: What's for Dinner? Turtle Heads Aren't Always Best Bet (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Barbara Bush Bears Alien Baby (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Clinton Dreams of Dirty Fantasies With 11-Year-Old Swedes (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Clinton Urges Robb to Stray With Him (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Carter Discusses Five of His Finest Fantasies About Clinton's Behind (Elaine Lederman, Herndon) Baby Turns Into Million-Ton Beast and Eats Everything in Baltimore (Darren C. Mitchell, Washington) Clinton Sleeps With Just About Anything Which Turns His Way (George W. McGregor, Annandale) Clinton and His Old Lady Unhappy All the Time (George W. McGregor, Annandale) Clinton Leaves Toilet Seat Up (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Nunn Beats Panetta for Swearing in Church (Malcolm Harden, Falls Church) Mary Chapin Carpenter Captures GOP Fantasies, Baring All in Senate (Malcolm Harden, Falls Church) Japan Purchases U.S. for a Buck (Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) Plague Turns Sweden Into Mexico (J. Kammer, Herndon) Robb Accuses North Accuses Clinton Accuses Carter Accuses ... Trust Is Not a Part of the Washington Power Game (Bev Wiedeman, Manassas) Reagan, on Drugs, Bit Lady (Jo Robbins, Bethesda) Armed Post Office Employees React to Negative Stereotypes (Jonathan G. Price, Chevy Chase) Clinton Eats, Turns Into a 3 1/2-Ton Publicity Problem (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Oliver North Agrees: 'Liar' Hits Close to Home (Carol Dent, Fairfax) Next Week: Picture This ====================================================================== WEEK 85, published October 30, 1994 Week 85: Play Mythty for Me 1. The guy who plays Kramer on "Seinfeld" has a baboon heart. The transplant was done several years ago but hushed up because of fear of arousing animal-rights activists. 2. One day about six years ago, before he was really popular, someone slipped Rush Limbaugh some LSD and he went on the air raving about how Hitler was still alive and Mexicans were descendants of Satan. Technicians quickly cut him off, but a tape is out there, somewhere. 3. A woman who had saline breast implants was getting this tickling sensation. She insisted on having the implants removed. In one of them, there was a live shrimp. 4. The reason we haven't put anyone on the moon in so long is that scientists have determined the astronauts brought back AIDS. 5. "Chuck Smith of Woodbridge" is a pseudonym for a famous, powerful politician in Washington who cannot politically risk being revealed as a devotee of toilet humor. He is a very famous and powerful politician, if you get our drift. This week's contest was suggested by Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who wins a Fighting Nun hand puppet. Sarah suggests coming up with new urban myths, those vaguely believable, wildly paranoid stories that circulate by word of mouth until they are generally accepted as true. (Think: Alligators in the New York City sewers. Reggie Jackson and his dog in the elevator. The kid who played Mikey choking to death on fizzing candy.) The first-prize winner receives a pair of fabulous metal toys made in China, "Duck on Bike" and "Elephant on Bike," each featuring "Wind-Up Funny Action." These sell for $35 apiece. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 85, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 82, in which we asked you to describe what is going on in these pictures. Fourth Runner-Up (Cartoon B) -- "Handless Messiah" (Roy Highberg, Bentonville) Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) -- The Harriman Trust also invested heavily in the performing arts. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) -- Although it was an exclusive, Geraldo wondered whether it was worth $30,000 to interview O.J.'s rectal polyp. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) -- Incompetent pollsters attempt to interview a random sapling. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) And the winner of the Pee-wee Herman doll:(Cartoon E) -- The night had turned cold, and Hillary was worried, so the U.S. Park Police tried to lure the president back into the house. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cartoon A The spell wore off, and the Frog Prince regained his original form in the barest nick of time. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) 9 p.m., 2, 4, 8 SEINFELD (CC) George (Jason Alexander) bets a new waitress at the diner that she can't carry him on a platter. Nothing else happens. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Okay, who ordered the burgher? (Kent Rogers, Annandale) Like other condemned prisoners, Jeff Dahmer got to request a last meal. (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg; also, Paul Styrene, Olney) Tailhook '95 (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cartoon B Leperace, the composer of "Chopsticks." (Mark Robers, Springfield) It took a few times, but Dudley soon learned not to skim the tips at Hussein's piano bar. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Boy! This is harder than working on a tuna boat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Roger Clinton dreams he can play the piano as well as he can sing. (Jan Verrey, Alexandria) Beethoven's "Prosthetique" Sonata. (Leonard Greenberg, Sterling) Cartoon C -- Joe misunderstood when his priest suggested he let the Madonna into his life. (Debbie Pieper, Arlington) The world was not yet ready for a transvestite version of "The Honeymooners." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Art Buchwald guaranteeing himself a seat and plenty of personal space on the Metro at rush hour. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) The first edition of the "Victor's Secret" catalogue did not do as well as expected. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) One of the least popular of the American Gladiators. (Jerry Podlesak, Arlington) Cartoon D The fly that is the friend of the flea that hangs around the dog that lived next door to O.J. Simpson's dog is hounded by CNN reporters. (Rose Stack, Arlington) Geraldo gets ethics tips from an insect. (Mark P. Hurst, Germantown) Desperate for filler material because of the baseball strike, ESPN's Keith Olberman interviews a future baseball bat. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) In these politically correct times, some reporters still seek out the opinions of a WASP. (Jerry Podlesak, Arlington) Warren Christopher vehemently denies press reports that his role as secretary of state is diminishing. (James Anderson, Woodbridge) Cartoon E Officer O'Reilly wins an office bet that he can cut back to one doughnut per day. (James Christopher, Springfield) After the Statue of Liberty sank, it was replaced with a tribute to New York's Finest. (Donna Bell, Arlington) Next Week: The Sex Survey ====================================================================== WEEK 86, published November 6, 1994 Week 86: Excuses, Excuses Donald Beale of Arlington won Week 9. His promised prize was a set of books on committing murder and mayhem. We just mailed it out last week. Here are our excuses for stiffing him for so long: 1. We sent it to Donald Graham by mistake, and he won't give it back, and we can't very well demand it from him. 2. The mailman stole it for personal use. 3. Don's address got stuck to the back of a manuscript predicting the return of Marion Barry. The essay was so preposterous, we pitched it. This Week's Contest was inspired by the fact that we have been a teensy bit tardy in dispatching some of our prizes. (At one point we considered amending the fine print to "allow 75 weeks for delivery.") Anyway, your challenge this week is to come up with funny excuses for various malfeasances. State the offense (for example, missing someone's birthday) and an excuse (for example, "I had been reliably assured that you were dead"). First-prize winner gets a life-size seated female mannequin from a clothing store, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 86, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 83, in which we asked you to come up with questions that should have been asked on the Great American Sex Survey. A couple of readers took us to task for insensitively presuming heterosexuality in the examples we gave. Guilty as charged. So for gay readers, in the entries below please substitute "same" for "opposite," "men" for "women," "women" for "men," and "partner" for "wife" or "husband." Hermaphrodite readers, please substitute for any gender reference the phrase "men, women or yourself." We hope this clears things up. Third Runner-Up: For women: Whom would you rather have sex with? 1. Al Gore. 2. Bill Clinton, again. (Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village) Second Runner-Up: For men: Which would you prefer as a condition of living the rest of your life? 1. Always wearing a condom during sex. 2. Receiving all of your meals intravenously. (Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner-Up: Which president had the naughtiest name? 1. Johnson. 2. Pierce. 3. Polk. 4. Bush. (Joe Sisk, Arlington) And the winner of the Lou Costello statuette: All things being equal, would you rather have sex with: 1. a "10." 2. two "5s." 3. five "2s."(Robb Mathews, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: For men: Whom would you rather spend the night with? 1. Sharon Stone and her ice pick. 2. Lorena Bobbitt and her fillet knife. 3. Roseanne. (Bonnie Speary and Walt Devore IV, Rockville) For men: If your wife is making soft-boiled eggs and can't find the timer, does she ask if you want to have sex? (Larry Covey, Columbia) Do you believe your dog may have a more active sex life than you? (Bob Damien, Baltimore) I would describe a healthy sexual relationship as one between myself and: 1. a mature member of the opposite sex. 2. a mature member of the primate family. 3. a pulse-bearing inhabitant of the planet Earth. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) A recent study suggests that men think about sex every 9 minutes, women every 14. Does this mean that, once every 2 hours 6 minutes, we are all thinking about it at the same time? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) For women: Would you rather pay the federal deficit out of your salary as a cocktail waitress, or go on a date with Bob Packwood? 1. Pay off the federal deficit. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) For men: How would you describe your incidence of self-abuse when you were a teenager: 1. Frequent. 2. Compulsive. 3. Chronic. 4. Obsessive. (Bob Damien, Baltimore) Where do you go to "score" with the opposite sex? 1. Bars. 2. The library. 3. The laundromat. 4. The White House. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Do you face backward or forward while having sex on Metro trains? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Do you still, at the age of 42, have to resist the impulse to put down some smartass answer when a form asks "Sex?" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) My mate and I have sex: 1. Daily. 2. Weekly. 3. Monthly. 4. If he/she died, I could not identify the body. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) When you and your paramour visit your illicit love nest, does the manager of the bowling alley on the ground floor keep pounding on the ceiling and hollering at you to keep it down? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) For Men: On your wife, a garter belt and fishnet stockings look: 1. unbelievably sexy. 2) Like a cargo-restraining device. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) Men: The Wonderbra is: 1. A subtle enhancement of nature. 2. A charming, seductive deceit. 3. A fraud that should be investigated by the Consumer Products Safety Commission. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) How come women's jeans used to have the zipper on the side, but now they're on the front? Are women, ah, changing in some way they have not told us? (Joe Sisk, Arlington) For married men: Have you ever thought your wife is too tired for sex because she takes care of three kids, works part time, keeps the house clean and all I want is some rest? She. All she wants is some rest? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Agree or disagree: Men, when finished, should put the seat down if women, when finished, would put it up. (Joe Sisk, Arlington) Have you ever wondered if anyone thinks Whoopi Goldberg is sexy? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Why do women need their own brand of laxative? (Joe Sisk, Arlington) Men: Have you ever had to enter a fat farm because of edible panties? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If you were a bar of soap, what celebrity would you want to buy you? (Paul Styrene, Olney) Is this the first week in a long time you haven't encouraged your teenager to help you think up entries? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And Last: Have you ever had sex with someone because you won the Style Invitational? Could I have their phone number? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Next Week: The Washington, D.C., Fightin' Style Invitationals. ====================================================================== WEEK 87, published November 13, 1994 Week 87: West Easy, Ann This week's contest was suggested by Ann Joliffe of Kingwood, W.Va., who wins a three-pronged frog gaff. Ann wrote us an earnest letter complaining that Washingtonians are not nice to her home state. She cites many examples of perceived insensitivity, cruel characterizations implying West Virginia is home to illiterate toothless thieving bumpkins who intermarry at 15, swill moonshine and dine furtively on roadkill, and she wonders why we big-city slickers cannot just once "shine a positive light" on her "misjudged state." Well, Ann, we're gonna fix you right up. The challenge this week is to ckome up with good things about West Virginia, in 50 words or fewer. First-prize winner gets a high-quality rubber Halloween mask featuring the likeness of a toothless West Virginian plus some snot candy, a total value of $60. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 87, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 84, in which we asked you to come up with fictional names for high-school sports teams of real American cities. This was the biggest response to date: 26,000 entries from 1,950 people, including an all-time one-person record of 516 entries by Milt Eisner of McLean, who wins a life. Many worthy duplicates this week, including the Reston (Va.) Laurels, the Hardy (Miss.) Har Hars, the Lansing (Mich.) Boils, the Sioux City (Iowa) Lawyers, the Village (Okla.) Idiots, the Helena (Mont.) Handbaskets, the Horseheads (N.Y.) Godfathers, the Wana (W.Va.) Bees, the Two Buttes (Mont.) Partons and the Bras D'Or (Nova Scotia) Knobs. Also we note the many unprintable entries involving Coxsackie, N.Y.; Fouke, Ariz.; and Jackson Hole, Wyo. And lastly, we wish to take this opportunity to publicly chastise Mr. Cole Arendt of Washington, who submitted an entry so profoundly revolting it is not only unpublishable but cannot be uttered in the presence of houseplants, which would wilt and die. Cole, you dirty dog. You win a T-shirt. Ninth Runner-Up: The Broad Run Farms (Va.) Agribusinesswomen (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Eighth Ninth Runner-Up: The Juneau (Alaska) Diddly Squats (Mike Geary, Germantown) Seventh Runner-Up: The Walhalla (S.C.) Toothless Vikings (Cole Arendt, Washington) Sixth Runner-Up: The Limerick (Pa.) Men From Nantucket (Bob Schlosser, Herndon) Fifth Runner-Up: The New York (N.Y.) &%$ ing &%$ #@s (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Fourth Runner-Up: The Square Butte (Mont.) Office Workers (Genesee Adkins, Frederick) Third Runner-Up: The Ypsilanti (Mich.) Qwertyuiops (Kenneth April, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: The Lackawanna (Pa.) Underachievers (Stephen Serban, Arlington) First Runner-Up: The Eutaw (Ala.) Puddytats (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the Winner of the Really Fancy Harmonica With a Wah-Wah Button: The Assinippi (Mass.) Guard Dogs (Karla J. Dickinson, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: The Bond (Miss.) James Bond (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The Dripping Springs (Tenn.) Bedwetters (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Kaaawa (Hawaii) A's (Russ Beland, Springfield) The Jamaica (N.Y.) Mess (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) The Clinton (Md.) Bashers (Don Beale, Arlington) The Echo (Ala.) Echo (Bill Franklin, Clinton) The Virginville (Pa.) Liars (Emily Schilling, Lancaster, Pa.) The Arnot (Pa.) Amtoos (Bob Ferry, Montvale, N.J.) The Lyon (Miss.) SOBs (Walt Kopp, Annandale) The Athol (Mass.) Zen Elbows (Harry F. Cole, Vienna) The Hinkley (Calif.) Bruntleys (Bob Lieblich, Arlington) The Frederick (Md.) Flintstone Esquires (Mike Geary, Germantown) The Economy (Pa.) Stupids (Chris Cleary, Charlottesville; Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) The Arkadelphia (Ark.) Pennsykansans (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) The Athol (Mass.) Fugard Because We Decided to Be High-Minded About Its (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) The Kaka (Ariz.) Doodies (Charles Layman, Silver Spring) The Clinton (S.C.) Exprez (Mac Lloyd, Churchville) The Froid (Mont.) Strippers, I Mean Slippers (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The Milwaukie (Ore.) Brooers (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) The Effingham (Kan.) Damned Sandwiches (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The Collyer (Kan.) Mothers (Mike Thring, Leesburg) The McDonald's Chapel (Ala.) Praying Hamburgers (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel) The Buckingham (Va.) Rodeo Pigs (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) The Lakehurst (N.J.) Huge Exploding Balloons (Walter Cronin, Bethesda) The Y City (Ariz.) Existentialists (Kate Renmer, Rockville) The Severn (Md.) Elevern (Dave Jenkins and Suzanne Gesin, Arlington; George Montgomery, Bethesda) The Boom Furnace (Va.) Incompetent Heating Contractors (J.F. Martin, Falls Church) The Show Low (Ariz.) Decolletages (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) The Three Forks of Williams River (W.Va.) Eleven Man Squad With Pigskin Zeppelin (James A. and Tanis R. Moher, Manassas) The El Paso (Tex.) El Catchos (Robin D. Grove, Washington) The Schwenksville (Pa.) Studs (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) The Kissimee (Fla.) Good Knights (Jerrold M. Witcher, Takoma Park) The Flippin-Hamburg (Ark.) Consolidated High School English Majors (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The Akaka Falls (Hawaii) Hat-Wearers (Nick Dierman, Potomac) The Rushsylvania (Ohio) Vampire Dittoheads (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Blue Ball (Pa.) Third Basemen (Lisa Clark, Alexandria) The St. Augustine (Fla.) Epistemologists (John Cushing, Guatemala City) The Inyo (Calif.) Facemuthas (Mark Updike, Crownsville, Md.) The Russiaville (Ind.) All-Tsars (Milt Eisner, McLean) The Bayonet Point (Fla.) Sucking Chest Wounds (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: The Soso (Miss.) Contest (Miller & Chevalier, Washington) Next Week: Mything In Action ====================================================================== WEEK 88, published November 20, 1994 Week 88: Give Us Some Good Newts. This Week's Contest: Come up with ways Washington is going to be different now that Republicans have ascended to power. First-prize winner gets a fabulous, never-opened 1983 Groucho Marx doll by Efanbee, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 88, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 85, in which we asked you to come up with new urban myths. A brief thank you to Kym Helbig, a graduate student in Bowling Green, Ky., who cheerfully informs us that this entire contest was based on a misconception and is therefore invalid. Technically, Kym says, these are not urban myths at all, but urban legends, myths being more like folklore. Right you are, Kym. Kym wins a burning bag of poop on her doorstep. Fourth Runner-Up: The rifle that was found at the Texas School Book Depository was the same one that killed Old Yeller. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: Early in this century, workers at meatpacking plants regularly fell into rendering vats and became a frequent ingredient of premium sausage. With OSHA safeguards now in place, it doesn't happen anymore, but the public has grown so demanding of the taste that company officials need to kidnap vagrants and hitchhikers and insert them manually. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: The smoke detector industry is covering up research that shows more people are killed every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are killed in house fires. (Brian Easter, Centreville) First Runner-Up: There really is a government office where a million monkeys sit banging away at typewriters. It has been going on for 65 years, and already the output has resulted in one Pulitzer Prize-winning novel and a hit screenplay. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) And the winner of the life-size female clothing-store mannequin: The bloody glove has six fingers. (Ben Lea, Lexington, N.C.) Honorable Mentions: The Avon Corp. pays a secret $1 million annual advertising fee to Metro for using the "ding-dong" sound every time a subway train is about to depart. (Paul Styrene, Olney) The reason expensive delicacies usually "taste like chicken" is that they really are chicken. Frog legs, rattlesnake, sweetbreads etc. are actually totally inedible, and fancy restaurants have been fleecing us for decades. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) Last Halloweeen, some kid was out trick-or-treating in a ghoul costume with great fake latex wounds when he was hit by a car. Doctors spent so much time trying to sew up the phony wounds that the kid died on the operating table. (Thomas A. Logan, Alexandria) While many conspiracy theorists have seen the so-called "Zapruder film" of the Kennedy assassination, Dallas city officials hastily destroyed the only known print of the "Zuckerman film," a Super 8 movie that clearly shows President Kennedy being struck by a rock flung from the blades of a Dallas Public Works Department lawn mower trimming the grassy knoll. (David Geonfriddo, Washington) Cool "Disco" Dan is really Dan Quayle. (Wendell Wagner, Greenbelt) Coca-Cola has been gradually altering its formula. The Classic Coke we are now drinking is identical to the New Coke we rejected several years ago. We're just accustomed to it now. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) The Wonderbra provides so much supportthat it causes breasts to atrophy, like a leg in a cast, within months. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Johns Hopkins University is willing to pay $25,000 to anyone willing to grow a goiter. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Tom Hanks did "Forrest Gump" because he suffered brain damage in an auto accident and he was really speaking and acting that way. (Mary Whittington, Washington) The comics "Blondie" and "The Family Circus" were secretly taken over by the Japanese years ago. The cartoons are actually still very funny, but lose something when translated into English. (Russ Beland, Springfield) A renegade assistant sculptor working on Mount Rushmore carved out a giant booger in Teddy Roosevelt's nostril. It's still there. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) And Last: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley are very much in love. (Daniel Riley, Woodbridge) ====================================================================== WEEK 89, published November 27, 1994 Week 89: Child's Play Mr. Tomato Head--A variation on the classic. Don't push in the nose too hard, or he'll ooze. Tiddlywonks--The pieces are imprinted with the likenesses of famous agronomists and mechanical engineers. What's That Smell?--A game of skill, action and revolting aromas. Today's contest was proposed by Mr. Bob Staake of St. Louis, who wins his choice of an Amana Frost-proofv freezer or continued employment by The Washington Post. Bob suggests we come up with bad ideas for new toys for the Christmas season. First-prize winner receives a fantastic lurching raccoon-in-the-potato-chips-bag animated toy capable of revolting crowds large and small, a value of $25, donated to the Style Invitational kitty by Kitty Thuermer of Washington, who is, need we remind you, an international trafficker in condoms. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 89, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 4. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 86, in which you were asked to come up with infractions of behavior, and creative excuses to explain them away. Third Runner-Up -- Infraction: Attacking Roseanne with a machete. Excuse: "My AK-47 was in the shop." (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Second Runner-Up -- Infraction: Drinking under age. Excuse: I don't believe the law specifies 21 Earth years. (Russ Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) First Runner-Up -- Infraction: Unauthorized use of HOV lane. Excuse: It's okay, officer, this is a vehicle that I am occupying, and I happen to be very high at the moment. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the Winner of the life-sized seated female mannequin: Infraction: The CIA's failing to notice Aldrich Ames's spying in the 1980s. Excuse: "We were too busy failing to notice the collapse of the Soviet Union." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: "Trust me, my dear, the lingerie in my car must have fallen off my Style Invitational mannequin." (Ted Huntington, Upper Marlboro) A man leaves his children home alone for a week: "I was taking prescription medication, and the directions said 'Keep Away From Children,' so I did." (Greg Arnold, Herndon) For being caught cheating: The meaninglessness of this incident will make me appreciate our rich, deep, almost spiritual experiences all the more. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Getting caught peeking into the women's showers: Have any of you fellows seen my glasses? I think I left them in there. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Speeding: I heard there was just one ticket left for the annual policeman's ball, so I was rushing to the station. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Charles Murray on why he and the late Richard Herrnstein wrote a book alleging, in part, that blacks are genetically inferior to whites: "Herrnstein wrote that part." (Stephen Bates, Silver Spring) Not paying your maid's Social Security: I didn't know illegal aliens had Social Security. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Losing an election: People threatened to disrupt my daughter's wedding. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Failure to deliver a severed penis to the emergency room: My dog ate it. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Exhibitionism: It's okay because on weekends I am a voyeur, so it balances out. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Lying: I was just positioning myself for a possible U.S. Senate campaign. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Drinking under age: I believe life begins at conception, so I turned 21 four months ago. (Russ Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) Being late for work: I had to wait for a Metro train that had an empty orange seat facing forward. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Failing to recognize an old friend: I thought you were in the witness relocation program, and I didn't want to blow your cover. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Not voting: I knew the governor's race was going to be close, and I couldn't stand the pressure of having my vote actually matter. (Allen R. Breon, Columbia) Entering the Style Invitational: I used to enter Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes, and was devastated when I lost. With Style Invitational, I'm almost relieved when I don't win. (Allen R. Breon, Columbia) And Last: Why I am often late on Style Invitational entries: Because Chuck Smith is often late deciding first which entries he wants to buy. (Dave Garratt, Greenbelt) Next Week: West Easy, Ann ====================================================================== WEEK 90, published December 4, 1994 Week 90: Bill Us Now The Snowe-White dwarf anti-defamation bill. The Tate-LoBiondo crime bill. The Cubin-English foreign accent discrimination act. The Doyle-Lee antimacassar preservation act. This week's contest was suggested by Ira P. Robbins of Bethesda, who wins a can of "spiced octopus in spicy tomato sauce," personally donated to the Style Invitational by Dave Barry. Ira suggests reprising one of our earliest contests, in which you were asked to come up with funny legislation based on the names of real congresspersons. This time, however, we will limit the names to the 102 freshmen. Their names follow: Abraham, Ashcroft, Baldacci, Barr, Bass, Bentsen, Bilbray, Bono, Brooks, Brownback, Bryant, Bunn, Burr, Chabot, Chambliss, Chenoweth, Christensen, Chrysler, Coburn, Cooley, Cremeans, Cubin, Davis, DeWine, Doggett, Doyle, Ehrlich, English, Ensign, Fattah, Flanagan, Foley, Forbes, Fox, Frelinghuysen, Frisa, Frist, Funderburk, Ganske, Graham, Grams, Gutknecht, Hastings, Hayworth, Heineman, Hilleary, Hostettler, Inhofe, Jones, Kelly, Kennedy, Kyl, LaHood, LaTourette, Largent, Latham, Lee, LoBiondo, Lofgren, Longley, Luther, Martini, Mascara, McCarthy, McIntosh, Metcalf, Moppert, Munster, Myrick, Nethercutt, Neumann, Ney, Norwood, Radanovich, Riggs, Rivers, Salmon, Sanford, Santorum, Scarborough, Seastrand, Shadegg, Smith, Snowe, Souder, Stockman, Tate, Thomas, Thompson, Thornberry, Tiahrt, Waldholtz, Wamp, Ward, Watts, Webber, Weldon, Weller, White, Whitfield, Wicker, Witt. Choose your bill titles carefully; in the event of identical sponsor combinations, the most cleverly worded bill title will win. First-prize winner may choose any three items from Dave Barry's Christmas Gift Guide, a value of approximately $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 90, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Dec. 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness and humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads requests explanations for the artwork on the bottom of the page. Winner gets a giant goose flag. Send to Inscrutable Cartoon, c/o The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 87, in which West Virginia reader Ann Joliffe wrote in to suggest that we publicize good things about her state, and we obliged with a contest. Before we get to the winners, we would like to extend a heartfelt big-city apology to Ann and each and every West Virginian who was offended, including the many Nobel laureates who wrote in to express their indignation. Apparently goaded into it by a local newspaper (the Charleston Loogie-Taterhead, as we recall) many angry persons sent letters, including entire high school classes, little old ladies, sputtering municipal officials and various other unamused citizens of the Mountain State. These correspondences were long and injured and furious, filled with words like dagnabit, many of them volunteering happy facts about West Virginia, such as the location of all its parks and libraries and fat-rendering plants. One West Virginia folk artist sent us, as a postcard, the original cartoon reproduced at the bottom of this page, which we are fairly gol-danged certain is some sort of grievous insult involving the launching of cow doodyballs at the Capitol. Anyway, to all these West Virginians who feel we unfairly stereotyped their fine state, we offer only this lame explanation for our poor judgment: We were too busy smoking crack, having babies out of wedlock at taxpayer expense and perpetrating random drive-by shootings. Fourth Runner-Up: West Virginia is a mecca for major appliance spotters. (Steven King, Alexandria) Third Runner-Up: If it weren't for West Virginia, the Yosemite Sam Mudflaps Co. would have closed years ago. (Sherry Brown, Alexandria; also, Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: If it weren't for West Virginia, no one would have discovered that toad-licking was hallucinogenic. (Gerald Hrenko, Jr. Houston) First Runner-Up: West Virginia takes education seriously, having introduced a successful "Stay in Skule" program. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the toothless Halloweeen mask: Almost Haiti, West Virginia (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: West Virginia, the Firewood State. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Due to missing teeth, West Virginia has the highest rate of success of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It's a place where everybody knows your name, because it's their name too. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) In West Virginia, it is possible to bury your dead without a lot of government meddling. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) In addition to snow days, ringworm days have been built into the school system. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If it weren't for West Virginia, we would be homeless. (Karen and Ken Troccoli, West Virginia Avenue, Bethesda) If I ever wanted to disappear, no one would look for me there. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Linguistic experts vouchsafe that West Virginians have more than 50 words for "cootie." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It is the only state that can boast having these anagrams: In Grits I Wave, I Grin At Wives, and I, Virgin Sweat. (Russ Beland and Jerr Pannullo, Springfield) The incidence of gunshot-related cow deaths has declined dramatically since the introduction of the "Hunters Silhouette Series." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) West Virginia: Where we don't even know the meaning of the word "illiteracy." (Russ Beland, Springfield) Discounting accidental gun-discharge injuries, West Virginians now average only 5.5 toes per foot. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It is so mountainous that the mule poop usually rolls downhill and out of the way. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Dental appointments are always easy to get. (Heather Nann Davis, Terra Alta, W.Va.) West Virginia has the lowest incidence of white-collar crime in the country. (Austin Doyle and Elisa Braver, Silver Spring) We, like the royal family, find no shame in marrying our cousins. (Heather Nann Davis, Terra Alta, W.Va.) In West Virginia, one never has a problem finding a genetically compatible donor for an organ transplant. (Roland Williams, Burke) There are valleys in West Virginia in which one cannot pick up the 4 p.m. news with Mike Buchanan. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) If it weren't for West Virginia, Waldorf, Md., would have no tourist industry. (Noel Hern, Alexandria) You see some great tube tops at weddings in West Virginia. (Marshal Greenblatt, Potomac) Great State Motto: You've Got a Relative in West Virginia! (John Kammer, Herndon) West Virginia, where the rubber meets the dirt. (Russ Beland, Springfield) In West Virginia, it is easy to find guys at work who can talk intelligently about the upcoming match between Hulk Hogan and Sergeant Slaughter. (Marshal Greenblatt, Potomac) If it weren't for West Virginia, the country wouldn't have ANY tar paper quarries. (Walter Erickson, Southampton, Pa.) Miss West Virginia is always a contender in the Miss America talent contest with a flawlessly performed seven-minute lube job. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) If West Virginia had not split from Virginia during the Civil War and joined the Union, the delicate balance of military power would never have shifted to the North, and the Confederacy would have won, with unimaginably horrible consequences, like control of the government by power-crazed Southern politicians. (Joseph Romm, Washington) West Virginia gives the citizens of Lenoir, N.C., a place to feel superior to. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) If it weren't for West Virginia, the Style Invitational Week 87 Contest would have instead solicited entries involving random references to bodily functions, e.g., puking. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) And Last: We usually spell things correctly. (Ann Jolliffe, not Joliffe, Kingwood, W.Va.) ====================================================================== WEEK 91, published December 11, 1994 Week 91: Ask Backward IV McGovernicks It's Not A Pun. It's A Bagel. Marge, O.J., and Alan K. Mrs. Howell, but Not Gilligan Eenie Meenie Miney Moo Spelling, Punctuation and Gas Jack Kent Goldfarb Moses, Jesus, and Cool "Disco" Dan Those Seven Tobacco Company Executives Pliny The Elder, but not Snoop Doggy Dogg The Mighty Morphin Power Dentists The Kid Who Plays D.J. on "Roseanne" This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more. First-prize winner receives a festive clock made from a rotary saw blade, plus a bust of Chopin, a total value of $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 91, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 88, in which you were asked how things will be different now that Republicans have ascended to power. But first, an observation. A careful reading of your entries detected just the weensiest suggestion of bitterness ("Welfare moms will be roasted on spits, basted with the sweat of decent working stiffs, and fed to fat-assed philandering robber baron industrialists ..."), leading us to conclude that the regular readers of the Style Invitational are -- how can we put this most kindly? -- pinkos and McGovernicks. Just an observation. Third Runner-Up: Food stamps will be replaced with Gruel Stamps. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Second Runner-Up: The Environmental Protection Agency's role will be limited to cleaning up after the mounted cavalry in the annual Armed Forces Day parade. (Philip "Dipstick" Delduke, Bethesda) First Runner-Up: Restaurants will no longer offer Smoking and Nonsmoking sections. From now on it will be Regular or Menthol. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And the winner of the Groucho Marx doll: Instead of receiving condoms, schoolchildren will be encouraged to pray that they don't get pregnant. The word "pregnant" will not be used. The term will be "great with child." (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms will be replaced by the Bureau of Drinking, Smoking and Shooting. (Joseph Romm, Washington) In order to prevent the Republicans from cutting social programs, the slogan "No Newt Axes" will become popular. (Paul Styrene, Olney) In an effort to look more like America, Kweisi Mfume will change his name to Bob Johnson. (Russ Beland, Springfield) The income tax laws will exempt the very rich and the very poor. The very poor must wear signs that say "The Very Poor." The very rich will pay for the signs. (Charles Jeffries, Lanham) The Occupational Safety and Health Administration will be replaced by the Stop Whining and Get Back to Work Administration. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Voter registration can be completed in gun stores. (David Nachtsheim, Silver Spring) Gluing a nickel to the pavement and watching people bend over to pick it up will become a popular prank once again. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Sex scandals will still occur, but with a better class of woman. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Food stamps can be used as Camel Cash. (Howard Mortman, Washington) Planned Parenthood will beis restricted to dispensing aspirin to hold between the knees. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) The Kennedy Center Honors will go to Pat Sajak, Chuck Norris, Wayne Newton, Billy Ray Cyrus and those seven tobacco company executives. (Timothy Morgen, Laurel; also Elden Carnahan, Laurel) NOW members will be assigned to Robert Packwood's Senate staff as "comfort girls." (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Constipation will once again be fashionable. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Cake will be declared the fifth basic food group. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) The last remaining plot on the Mall will be used to build the National Paint by Numbers Museum. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) There will be a boom in employment opportunities for accordion teachers. (Ivan Sussman, Laurel) The list of vegetables for school lunch programs will be expanded by adding "ice" and "tobacco." (J.F. Martin, Falls Church; Gilbert McCrary, Gaithersburg; Thomas A. Logan, Alexandria) Roger Clinton's career will stall. (J.F. Martin, Falls Church) South Africa will wind up boycotting us. (David Avagliano Treber, Silver Spring) After Sen. Helms's committee removes Castro, Cuba will be admitted to the Union as a "slave" state. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) By 1998, Ellen Sauerbrey will still be contesting the election in court, and can then run as both the experienced incumbent and a fresh and exciting outsider. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Rush Limbaugh leaf bags will appear. (Gilbert McCrary, Gaithersburg) The "eternal flame" on the JFK gravesite is replaced with a Duraflame log from an Arlington 7-Eleven. (D. Gionfriddo, Washington) The "Contract With America" starts with a flurry. The entire government infrastructure is torn apart within the first week. Then, on the eighth day, with debris everywhere, the GOP contractors call in sick. Within a week it becomes obvious the contractors aren't coming back. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Church and state will be separated by an imaginary friend. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Political correctness becomes an anachronism. President Clinton proudly refers to the First Lady as his "squaw." (Marshall Goldstein, Reston) And Last: This is the last time I will be able to get the word "smartass" in a family newspaper. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: Play Duh ====================================================================== WEEK 92, published December 18, 1994 Week 92: Plotboilers From "Plumbed," by G. Gordon Liddy He mashed his swarthy, work-hardened body against hers with tender cruelty, crushing her bosoms like a steamroller flattening origami zeppelins. The Contessa whimpered and succumbed. Later, he ate a rat. From "A Tale of Two Municipalities," by Joseph Biden It was the best of times. It was the worst of times . . . This Week's Contest was suggested by Newt Gingrich, who has revealed to everyone's delight that he has been working on a potboiler novel featuring a "pouting sex kitten." We wondered what other celebrities' novels might look like, if they wrote one, in 100 words or fewer. First-prize winner gets an antique ceramic flying elephant with huge pontoons for oil and vinegar, a $25 item that will stop dinner-table conversation as effectively as a chunk of kangaroo meat lodged in one's trachea. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 92, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 89, in which you were asked to come up with bad ideas for Christmas toys. Many of you did not really understand this contest, offering up dreadfully precious political drolleries such as "The Hillary Health-Care Jigsaw Puzzle," whose pieces do not fit together, or "IdeoLogs," which can be assembled one way and one way only. How amusing of you. Our hands sting from making prissy little pat-pat noises of appreciation. Fourth Runner-Up: "The Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm." (Dean Evangelista, Gaithersburg) Third Runner-Up: A Pee-wee Herman pull toy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: "The Duncan Yo" -- It unwinds and rolls away on the first try. Teaches children about warranties. (C.G. Owens, Indian Head) First Runner-Up: "5,200 Pick-Up" -- A jumbo deck of cards designed for every kid's favorite game! (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) And the winner of the fantastic lurching raccoon in the potato chips bag animated toy: The Learn-About-Puberty Chia Pet. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Honorable Mentions: "SuperSoaker 9000" -- For use on normally hard-to-reach targets: NFL referees, low-flying aircraft, and many more. At short range it can strip paint, clean rusty grill tops, dig utility trenches. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "The Laff-o-Minit Majic Spellin' Tootor" (Elizabeth Kugler, Silver Spring) "Dan Quayle/John Kennedy Transformer" -- The Young Republicans in your house will be delighted to learn that Dan Quayle really is Jack Kennedy after all. (Russ Beland, Springfield) A set of bathtub toy fish that always float upside down. Teaches tots a true understanding of nature. (Adam Koons and Yukari Horiba, Washington) "Fool-'Em Transformers" -- Fake dog poop that converts in seconds to fake vomit! (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) "Water Retention Wanda" -- Teaches kids the principles of the calendar. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) "Advanced Play Medical Kit," with colonoscope and speculum. (Robert Herscowitz and Terri Strassburger, Cabin John) "Where's the Spotted Owl?" book contains large, complex scenes in which a small spotted owl is hidden in a vast forest among burly loggers, dope-smoking hippies, rabid environmentalists etc. The joke is that there really is no spotted owl in the book, and moreover, the paper used to make the book comes from trees in the owl's natural habitat. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Aw, Shoot" -- Real handguns that look just like toys. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Humpy Puppy." Batteries not included. (Mary Whittington, Washington) "Plugger" -- Variation of the old classic game, Pin the Tail on the Donkey, but the blindfolded child with wet hands tries to get the electrical plug into the outlet! (Mike E. Butcher, Waldorf) "Tas-Tee Jars" -- Toy cleaning-agent bottles, available in several fruit flavors. These are placed under the sink in place of the yucky real stuff. (Mike E. Butcher, Waldorf) "Dottie Depends" -- Betsy Wetsy's grandma. (Ginger and Kelly Fitzpatrick) "Disease Balls" -- Let your kids learn about illness with these enlarged rubber simulations of the AIDS virus, smallpox virus, tuberculosis etc. They can throw them around like ordinary balls and pretend they are "catching" all kinds of ailments! (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) "Will It Burn?" -- E-Z Lite kid's lighter helps children discover what's flammable in the home. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "Islamic Strip Poker" -- Lose a hand, lose a hand. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Doggie Dentist" -- Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "Bungeroo!" -- Kid-size bungee kit for second-floor bedrooms. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "Scabby Sam" -- Scablike growths randomly appear on Scabby Sam. They will disappear in a week to 10 days if left alone, but will result in permanent scarring if picked off. ( Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "Cute as a Button" -- This amazing doll is created entirely out of nickel-size buttons. For ages 2 and under. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) "Cuisin-Art" -- Turns Mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Chocolate-covered lead soldiers. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) And last: The fantastic lurching raccoon in the potato chips bag animated toy. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville; Diego Hernandez, Montgomery Village) ====================================================================== WEEK 93, published December 25, 1994 Week 93: I Want the Mongoose This Week's Contest is easy. Pictured above is the finest prize we have ever obtained, an elegant piece of taxidermy featuring a snake being killed by a mongoose. This would lend instant "class" to the den or living room of any domicile inhabited by morons, yokels or blind people. It was purchased for $65 but is obviously priceless. All you have to do is tell us, in 50 words or fewer, why you must have it. Best answer gets it. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 93, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Tuesday, Jan. 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 90, in which you were asked to invent legislation using only the names of the 102 congressional freshmen. More than 9,000 entries this week, including dozens of fine ones submitted by too many people to credit the authors. Among them: the Fattah-Flanagan orphanage bill; the Watts-Hayworth farm subsidy bill; the Ney-Burr-Lee community development act; the Burr-Bryant college football empowerment act; the Barr-Burr-Nethercutt bikini wax amendment; the Smith-Jones motel registry act. There were so many entries, and so many duplicates, we fear we may have inadvertently omitted the names of some people with entries identical to the winners below. If you feel we snubbed you, and wish recognition, you may follow this simple procedure: Have your original entry notarized along with an affidavit swearing to its authenticity. Submit this in triplicate to "I Deserve Credit," c/o The New York Times Op-Ed Section, 229 W. 43rd St., New York, N.Y. 10036. Thank you. Sixth Runner-Up: The Frisa-Bunn RFK Stadium dome appropriations bill. (PDKL Letellier, Arlington) Fifth Runner-Up: The Wamp-Bass weapons procurement act. (Nick Yokanovich, Arnold; Mollie Peek Roland, Falls Church) Fourth Runner-Up: The Lee-Kyl-Kennedy anti-conspiracy bill. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.; Bill and Judy Kelly, Gaithersburg; Janet Millenson, Potomac) Third Runner-Up: The Bono-Snowe-English athlete literacy act. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills; John Holder, Washington) Second Runner-Up: The Bentsen-Snowe-Kennedy delayed snappy comeback act. (Scott Jordan, Derwood) First Runner-Up: The Watts-DeWine-Witt-Salmon sommelier education act. (Bill Purvis, Dave Finkbinder and Mike Duffy, Washington; Mark W. Johnson, Chevy Chase; Paul Bickart, Washington) And the winner of the three items from Dave Barry's Gift Guide: The Cubin-Bass-Tiahrt resolution condemning Fidel Castro. (Jerry Pohl, Rockville) Honorable Mentions: The Barr-Bunn-Ney-Mascara animal-testing prohibition act. (Joe Weissman, Washington) The Hilleary-Souder-Barr-Burr hairdresser liability act. (Lisa Massarella, Falls Church) The Witt-Watts balanced budget amendment. (Gene Reiher, Burke) The Thomas-Lee-Jones motion picture violence act. (Jesse Salter, Washington) The Barr-Fattah-Kennedy combined congressional term-limits and weight-limits bill. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The Munster-Bentsen-Sanford bad sitcom preservation act. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The English-Frist dyslexic empowerment act. (Harry Richardson, Laurel) The Munster-Bunn obesity anti-defamation act. (Stephen Connard, Crofton) The Bilbray-Lee family reconciliation act. (Stu Segal, Vienna) The Barr-Burr-Seastrand ticket-gouging prevention act. (Eric F. Barr, Front Royal; Preston Williams, Alexandria; Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring; Jill Drain, Alexandria) The Weller-English language proficiency act. (Gina Morgan, Falls Church; Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) The Munster-Bunn-Ney bill funding medical research into alcohol-induced hallucinations. (Jerry Pohl, Rockville) The Abraham-Martini & Jones song-title infringement act. (Steven J. Bienstock, Rockville) The Hilleary-Luther-Fattah-White-Bunn act to add an aerobics room to the White House. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Ensign-Bunn don't ask, don't tell bill. (Karl Means, Silver Spring) The Nethercutt-Munster anti-flatulence act. (Mike Duffy, Washington) The Snowe-White-Bunn-Brownback standards for decency in sunbathing act. (Joel J. Roessner, Arlington; Michael Newberg, Bel Air) The Inhofe-Lee Bad Taste bill to honor Polacks, Krauts and Japs. (Scott Kirkwood, Rockville) The Doggett-Lee-White segregation bill. (Laurel Bergold, Washington) The Watts-Neumann anti-slang bill. (Kate Renner, Rockville) The Mascara-Rivers Tammy Faye Bakker appreciation resolution. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; John Alvey, Annandale) The Kennedy-Martini bill to prohibit cheap shots in contests. (Jay D. Majors, Alexandria) and Last: The Barr-Smith Style Invitational reform act. (Scott Harshman, Washington, and about 150 others) NEXT WEEK: Ask Backward III ====================================================================== WEEK 94, published January 1, 1995 Week 94: Weeks 1-93. This Week's Contest was proposed by Jessica Steinhice of Washington, who wins something we cannot describe because it is waaay too tasteless. But for some time we have been watching and admiring Jessica's entries, including many that we have not chosen to publish, and we are confident -- how to put this nicely? -- that she will not be offended. We are confident, in fact, that she will make this the centerpiece of her living room. Anyway, Jessica suggests that you come up with a great answer to any previous Style Invitational contest, an answer you may have thought of after the contest deadline was over. Any previous contest is eligible, even the famous Week 43, in which we asked you to Tell Us What God Looks Like and people were so appalled that no one came up with anything funny and we had to print limericks or something. The first-prize winner gets "Dogs Playing Pool," a masterpiece in genuine velvet, discovered by the unsung hero of this cheesy contest, the Czarina of the Style Invitational, who selflessly has made a science of scouring the back roads of America for you, the reader, in order to find total crap. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 94, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 91, in which we asked you to supply questions for any of 12 answers we provided. Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: Spelling, Punctuation and Gas. Question: What are the first three items on a skywriter's preflight checklist? (Robert E. McCarthy, Clifton, Va.) Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Moses, Jesus and Cool "Disco" Dan. Question: Who is Marion Barry going to need help from to clean up Washington? (Mary K. and Larry T. Phillips, Falls Church) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Mrs. Howell, but not Gilligan. Question: What is one way of bowing out of the Mary Ann-Ginger debate? (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: The Kid Who Plays D.J. on "Roseanne". Question: What is the name of the kid who plays D.J. on "Roseanne"? (Allen R. Breon, Columbia; Michael Rosman, Chevy Chase) First Runner-Up -- Answer: The Kid Who Plays D.J. on "Roseanne." Question: To whom is Robert Shapiro attempting to shift suspicion based on a startling similarity in nicknames? (Greg Pryor, Washington) And the winner of the Buzz Saw Clock: Answer: Spelling, Punctuation and Gas. Question: What are three things related to the use of a colon? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Answer: The Mighty Morphin Power Dentists What is the only thing the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers are terrified of? (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) What toy outsells the Mighty Morphin Power Proctologists? (Mary M. Olson, Springfield) When the Tooth Fairy went bad, who became her mortal enemy? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Where do Teenage Mutant Ninja CPAs go when they have a cavity? (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) What toy plays "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth," and then belts you in the mouth? (Mary M. Olson, Springfield) Who, in addition to fighting evil, own a string of apartment buildings in Florida? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Spelling, Punctuation and Gas. What are two things that seventh-grade boys fail, and one that they pass? (Susan K. Hill, Roanoke) What are three things you can't find on the information superhighway? (Don Druker, Rockville) What was the original name of "Earth, Wind and Fire"? (Preston Williams, Alexandria) Answer: Moses, Jesus and Cool "Disco" Dan. Question: Who are three people whose names are written in, or on, stone? (Marnie Reed, Washington?) Answer: McGoverniks. Where can you order a Quarter-Pounder with welfare cheese? (Paul Styrene, Olney) Answer: Pliny the Elder, but not Snoop Doggy Dogg. Who has been called "The father of Pliny the Younger"? (Allen R. Breon, Columbia) Who would never have written "Historia Naturalis Mutha Pigg"? (Steve Cohen, Reston) Proving how unfair life can be, who was killed by poisonous gases? (Preston Williams, Alexandria) Answer: Marge, O.J. and Alan K. From most to least, in what order do Simpsons rate on the credibility scale? (Preston Williams, Alexandria) Who loses a lot, has a lot to lose and lost to Lott? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Answer: The Kid Who Plays D.J. on "Roseanne." What child actor has the same high name recognition as the kid who played Lumpy on "Leave It to Beaver"? (Chris Ubik, Gaithersburg) Which young actor unsuccessfully auditioned for the lead role in "Pinocchio" because the director deemed him to be too wooden? (Margaret Welch, Arlington) Answer: Those Seven Cigarette Company Executives. Who were thankful that Congress has a lightning rod on the dome? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Democrats are to Republicans as the Chicago Seven are to what? (Bryan W. Van Norden, Cedar Halls, Iowa) Answer: It's Not a Pun, It's a Bagel. What other highly amusing rearrangement can you make out of the letters of the following Washington Post headlines: "I Toast a Bulge in Pants;" "I, Satan, Plotting Abuse"; and, "Blast Out a Giant Penis"? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What, even when raisin, is not raised? (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) If sea gulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay? (Jean Sorenson, Herndon) Answer: Jack Kent Goldfarb Who drafted Heath Shul-er? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Eenie Meenie Miney Moo What is NOW's approved method of selecting a Miss America? (Chuck Snowdon, Arlington) What is the latest effort by those pinkos at the Style Invitational to solicit tasteless jokes at the expense of the great state of West Virginia? (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Next Week: Plotboilers ====================================================================== WEEK 95, published January 8, 1995 WEEK 95: HOW'S THAT AGAIN?(Post headline shown as a graphic) Allen to End Sex Therapy In Va. Prisons (caption: ) Gov. George Allen announced today that he is cured and thanked the prisoners at the Bland and Haynesville correctional centers for helping him overcome his sexual problems… (Cartoon with Bob Staake's own lettering, of a man typing at a computer: ) CLINTON AGREES TO SLASH ART Bowing to Republican pressure, President Clinton suddenly took an 8" stiletto to the Georges Seurat painting 'Sunday in the Park'. This week's contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington, who wins a drinking duck. Joseph suggests that you take any headline appearing anywhere in The Post this week (today through Saturday) and completely rewrite the first lines of the story to put a different, unintended spin on it. (The headline above was taken from The Post of Dec. 29.) Compose your new story carefully; in the event of similar ideas, the best-written one will win. Make sure you clip out the headline, or at least indicate which page it appeared on. On this weekend that Elvis turns 60, first-prize winner gets a clock made from an electric guitar featuring Elvis's face, a spectacular prize with a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 95, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print urgently requests an explanation of how the drinking duck works. First correct entry wins a drinking duck. Funniest incorrect entry wins another drinking duck. We have drinking ducks up the gazoo. Thank you. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 92, in which we asked you to come up with passages from novels that might have been written by celebrities. Fourth Runner-Up: Fred met a girl at a bar. They went to a hotel and had sex. On the way out of the hotel, we had sex with the coat-check girl. Then he had sex with the meter maid in the back of her little truck. On the way home, he had sex with six or seven other women. He was not exaggerating about the number of women he had sex with. It was really possible to sleep with that many. On the way up to his apartment, he had sex with the elevator operator ... From "Score!" by Wilt Chamberlain (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Third Runner-Up: "Do you want a bonbon?" asked J.J., as he put on the Yo Yo Ma tape. "I'm gaga about them," replied Gigi, in her black chichi dre. Bang! Bang! Two dumdum bullets smashed through the double-paned window. J.J. and Gigi were both dead before their bodies hit the wall-to-wall carpeting. From "Bang Bang, You're Dead, Dead!" by Boutros Boutros Ghali (Joseph Romm, Washington) Second Runner-Up: By the time she woke up, the kids were all out of the house. It was just as well: she had a lot to do today. She had to call to see if the Caddy was ready to be picked up. She had to go down to the welfare office to pick up her check. And, she thought, on the way back she better stop by the saloon and pick up a potent stud--her accountant had warned her that unless she got another dependent pretty soon her cash flow was going to suffer.... From "Slut" by Jesse Helms (Paul Alter, Hyattsville) First Runner-Up: She pushed herself away from the throbbing insistence of his firmness. "Everything, everything," she said. "What's wrong?" He tugged at the frayed waistband of the cheap boxer shorts. "He's my husband, Frank. He owns half the town and he'd love nothing better than to ruin you." "Who the hell in Clyde Manning and why should I be afraid of him?" he said. She reached and stroke the pale shadow of his jaw. "My children, my home, my reputation," she said. "What have you got to lose?" he asked. "Oh, Frank ... you make it all sound so easy." From "A Questionable Affair," by Alex Trebek (W. Tyler Estler, Adamsville) And the winner of the flying-elephant oil and vinegar dispenser: He awoke with a world-class hangover and simply couldn't face the prospect of going to work. So he called the office and said he would be out sick again. "Let whatsizface take over for me, like he always does when I'm not feeling well." Stumbling into the kitchen, he took out his biggest tumbler and filled it half to the top with milk, which he mixed with an equal amount of gin... From "Maybe Manana," by Cal Ripken Jr. (Robert Pack, Bethesda) Honorable Mentions: "Detective Jones," said the district attorney. "I've got some bad news. In 2.0000567 days, the 3.99456 killers you put away 13.999958 years ago will be released from prison." The news hit Jone like 1,999.854 pounds of bricks. From "The Clock Struck 11.998432" by Andrew Grove, CEO of Intel (Joseph Romm, Washington) I was born in a small log cabin--well, actuall the cabin was made of dead trees struck down by a storm, probably the result of upper-atmospheric disturbances exacerbated by a decreasing ozone layer. No endangered or threatened deciduous species were cut, and some were left to provide a micro-habitat for mold, and for small invertebrates and crustacea to rebuild the forest. The cabin was made with implements that cost only a fraction of those our Defense Department now currently procures through a bureaucratic system now being reformed through on-line computerized ordering, not, of course, available to me as a child. From "Saved," by Al Gore (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Ramificating the causalities, he expedited a concomitance of coindici, predestinating her quiescently to his carnalities. From "Sesquipedian" by Al Haig [male symbol] + [female symbol] [male symbol] - [female symbol] [heart] [male symbol x [female symbol] = [small male symbol] [small female symbol] [small female symbol] From "[heart]" by [Prince symbol] (Joseph Romm, Washington) It may or may not have been a dark and/or stormy night ... From "Straight Talk," by Mario Cuomo (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) My day was not starting well at all. The alarm clock went off at 7, but it was a wind-up model and didn't say a.m. or p.m. Then I wanted to have some yogurt for breakfast, but the freshness date on the carton was May 1, and it was still only early April ... From "One Darn Thing After Another," by Dan Quayle (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Elmer could think of 100 reasons why he should seduce this mystery vixen, this pouting sex kitten. The top ten: 10. Her McGuffeys weren't no mystery. 9. Nothing on late shows, anyway. 8. Better than watching buddy Paul play his organ. 7. She reminded him of Big Ass ham. 6. Eager to try new Buttafuoco cologne. 5. Tired of dating Rosie Palmer. 4. His current dry spell made Bud Melman look promiscuous. 3. Wanted to prove he had degree from Ball State. 2. Didn't need no surgeon general to teach him how. 1. Sister just moved back to West Virginia. From "Ten" by David Letterman (Dan Royer, Alexandria) The early morning light broke softly through the puffy clouds in a pale blue sky. PhDs, professional people and decent contented strong working men and women of all types walked briskly to begin their highly paid days in soaring gleaming towers and humming spotless air-conditioned ergonomically designed nonpolluting factories. Scrubbed and bright-eyed children of all races walked hand-in-hand to their neighborhood schools, there to feast on Proust, Aristotle, and Rousseau. Another typical day was beginning in West Virginia... From "Heaven" by Sen. Jay Rockefeller (Elden Carnahan, Laurel} ====================================================================== WEEK 96, published January 15, 1995 Week 96: Stick It In Your Ear 1940s: The War Years 1950s: The Age of Innocence 1960s: The Flower-Power Decade 1970s: The Me Decade 1980s: The Yuppie Years 1990s: ? This Week's Contest was sort of proposed by Joseph Romm, of Washington, except we improved on his idea and anyway he is getting too full of himself so he doesn't win squat. Wait, no, we just found something here for him. Joseph wins a photocopy of a photograph of a performance artist lying naked under a heavy lead weight suspended precariously over his face by string attached through a pulley to his private parts. Anyway, the new contest idea is to come up with a catch phrase to describe the 1990s. If it will help, you can explain your entry, but an explanation isn't necessary. First-prize winner receives a Velvis, a genuine framed Velvet Elvis in which the King appears to be crying tears made of half-and-half and glitter, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 96, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print also solicits ideas for renaming previous decades; winner gets a drinking duck. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Results of Week 93, in which we asked you to tell us why you should win the fabulous piece of taxidermy featuring a mongoose killing a snake. We would like to comment first upon the surprising popularity of vomitous stuffed-animal sculptures, judging from the vast numbers of snapshots we received from people like Ted Hirt, of Washington, who owns a pair of stuffed squirrels wearing miniature boxing gloves in a miniature boxing ring; Ellen A. Blackwell, of Washington, who keeps on a table in her rec room a day-old baby donkey; and Pamela King, of Mechanicsville, who displays above her fireplace, mounted on a handsome plaque of burnished wood, a deer's behind. Those three people win T-shirts because we were fresh out of spittoons. Also winning a shirt is Mister Daniel Riley, of Woodbridge, who sent us an elegant hardcover coffee-table book consisting entirely of high-quality photographs of wild animals pooping and peeing. Second Runner-Up: I need the mongoose because my husband says if I bring one more ugly tchotchke into the house, he's leaving. (Jo Ann York, Germantown) First Runner-Up: It would be fun to see the kids' expressions when, as they shine a flashlight under the bed to make sure there are no monsters, they see this. (Ann Wilkinson, Upperville, Va.) And the winner of the mongoose killing the snake: All I really want is a runner-up T-shirt, but like women everywhere, to get what I want I have to fake it. So let me say I want that repulsive mongoose. Yes, I want it, I need it bad, I love it. Please, please give it to me. Give it to me now, baby, now, ooooooh baby. (Judith Daniel, Washington) Honorable Mentions I must have the mongoose because I feel the need to add a luxury high-rise to my maggot farm. (Larry Hinders, Fredericksburg) I should get the mongoose because this is the first Invitational entry to have a footnote, and novelty must count for something.1(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) I went short on stuffed-mongoose futures and I must have it to cover my position. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) The new Contract With America stipulates that I am entitled to it. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) I deserve the mongoose because, ah, some day I would like to work with disadvantaged children. (Russ Beland, Springfield) I should get the mongoose because though I have brushed my teeth every day for 26 years, my dentist no longer gives me toys. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) I love Ellen Sauerbrey and for some strange reason this reminds me of her. (Paul Styrene, Olney) I must have the mongoose because I need a place to mount my stuffed fleas. (Yvonne Easter Driggers, Reston) I want the mongoose to be used as a hood ornament on my Yugo. (Rosie Connard, Crofton) I'm building a Morse code key for my ham radio and need a piece of wood about that size. (Martin Schulman, Herndon) If you give it to me, it will be kept out of the hands of someone who might throw it over the White House fence at the president. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Sal told me to get it for him by any means necessary. I thought I'd ask first. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And Last: I need a thank-you gift for Elden Carnahan, who kindly sends me computer printouts documenting just how far I've fallen behind Tom Witte of Gaithersburg in your overall standings. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) 1. Racial and gender repression, multiculturalism and, of course, sex, as represented by the snake and mongoose thing. Grimm's Journal of Dour American Pop Psychology, Vol. 47, pp. 62-63. ====================================================================== WEEK 97, published January 22, 1995 Week 97: Newtonian Philosophy Newt Gingrich on the sexes: "Women don't have upper body strength but are better with laptops. Men are better in traditional combat roles because if women had to spend a month in a ditch, they would get infections. But men are basically little piglets who like to roll around in mud. Women, though, would be better sitting around at consoles and directing warship traffic because men get frustrated sitting down since they are biologically programmed to go out and hunt giraffes." This Week's Contest was suggested by the incredible Newt Gingrich, who wins a tube of Monistat 7. Newt teaches a college course on American Civilization, and when we read quotations from one of his lectures in Wednesday's Reliable Source (appearing above in slightly condensed form) we saw Week 97 written all over it. Your challenge is to Come up with more Newtonian philosophy to explain the differences between men and women, Democrats and Republicans, dogs and cats, whatever needs explaining. The world according to Newt. Fifty words or fewer. First-prize winner gets a pet salamander, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 97, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print also solicits examples of corny Hillary-isms, like 'Okey Dokey, Artichokey,' disclosed by The Washington Post last weekend. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 94, in which you were asked to submit entries to any previous contest. But first, a special hello to Jacob Weinstein of McLean, who politely wonders if we are ever going to get around to sending him the Jinx Remover candle he won in Week 39 or thereabouts. He has been hesitant to complain before now because he fears we might get mad and make fun of him in print. Jacob, you truly wound us. We apologize for the delay. Your candle is on the way. And it is just the right shape, if you get our drift. Anyway, the most appalling and shameless entry received this week was from Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who, thinking she could curry favor with the Czar of the Style Invitational and win a T-shirt, knit him a handsome sweater. It has a rat motif. Sarah, if the Czar were the kind of person whose influence could be bought so cheaply, this would be one lame-brained, crappy excuse for a contest, now wouldn't it? Sarah wins a T-shirt. Second Runner-Up: From the contest in which you create a new expression by adding or deleting a letter from an old expression: "Ma About You" -- New TV show in which Connie Chung interviews your mother and gets her to disclose stupid things you said or believe. (Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner-Up: From the contest seeking double dactyls: Accurate, shmaccurate! Olivers, North and Stone Find fudging history Hard to resist. Their troubles adhering to Verisimilitude Earn them the nickname of Olivers Twist.(Beryl Benderly, Washington) And the winner of velvet painting of Dogs Playing Pool: (Casting celebrities in well-known roles from TV or movies): Sharon Pratt Kelly as Tweety Bird. (Gary McKethan, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Double dactyls: Lickety Stickety Lady Madonna Showed us her midriff and Much more than that. Now even herdsmen in Boputhatswana Know she exemplifies "[Censored] for tat." (David Mills, Los Angeles) "Jeopardy!" questions: Answer: A great big sucking sound. Question: What has replaced "Hail to the Redskins" as the team song? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Topics for a TV talk show: Women who leave the toilet seat up. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Change one letter in an expression: Star Trek: The Newt Generation: A rousing adventure of space exploration, with a smaller budget and no aliens. (Joseph Romm, Washington) A new motto for the District of Columbia: Tread on Me. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Good-news/bad-news scenarios: The good news: The Redskins have decided to change their name. Bad news: They will now be called the Washington Wagon Burners. (Mark Miller, Vienna) Bad ideas for Style Invitational contests: Come up with humorous reasons why you cannot invent an excuse for not being able to come up with humorous names for people who cannot come up with good Style Invitational entries. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Suggest alternate names The Washington Post could have if it were published elsewhere. Example: The Baltimore Post. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Make up a really bad name for a new car. Example: The Plymouth Crapola. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Dividing the world into two kinds of people: There are people who are respectful of their fellow human beings, and then you have all the other scum-sucking pus-wads. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) New urban legends: Chap Stick has become less hard and waxy over the years as the company has gradually added chunks of human lips to the mix. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Ideas for performance art: In an arena, spectators are formed into teams and equipped to test the feasibility of some well-known but difficult tasks. They will: (1) nail Jell-O to the wall; (2) shovel sand against the tide; (3) take a long walk off a short pier; (4) attempt to get blood from a stone; and (5) go $%*&@ themselves. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Epitaphs: John Wayne Bobbitt -- Fondly Re-membered. (Steven Smith, St. Mary's City, Md.) A new name for the Redskins: (symbol of Prince, with football at top.) (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Good things about West Virginia: If it weren't for West Virginia, you couldn't have your dead tree cut down for just $200 (cash only) by two guys in a 1973 pickup with no bumpers, and get to watch it fall through your neighbor's roof. (Carleton MacDonald, Gaithersburg) What God looks like: I am not sure, but He definitely doesn't resemble anything from West Virginia. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Interesting pranks: Write an indignant letter to the editor in the Post under the name of Sen. Jay Rockefeller, humorlessly defending the state of West Virginia and denouncing the Style Invitational. Then submit a flurry of Sen. Rockefeller put-downs to the Style Invitational. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) ====================================================================== WEEK 98, published January 29, 1995 Week 98: Your Cheatin' Art I Gave Her My Ring, but She Gave Me the Finger If She Don't Want My Hot Dog, All She'll Get Is Beans I'm A-truckin' My Way to Your Heart Like the Throbbin' Angioplasty Procedure That I Am This Week's Contest was suggested independently by Jeanie DeLisi of Sterling and Kevin Cuddihy of Blacksburg, who are, to the best of our knowledge, not in any way involved with each other, though who knows what could happen now that we have officially "linked" them in print? Innuendo is a powerful tool. Anyway, Jeanie wins a freebie Naugahyde carrying case distributed to the media at the 1993 Miss America pageant, and Kevin wins an official 1993 Miss America pageant pen. Kevin and Jeanie, who we emphasize are not, so far as we know, living together in a tawdry love nest swilling cheap wine beneath an unforgiving moon, suggest coming up with titles for country music songs featuring any one or more of the following themes: cheatin', thievin', drinkin', truckin', lovin' or dogs. This is almost too easy. One of the two song titles above is real, one is made up. Can't tell which is which, can you? First Prize winner gets a lightweight jacket with the Beano company logo on it. Beano makes a product that reduces intestinal gas. The jacket is a windbreaker. GET IT???? This fine item has a value of $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 98, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print wonders if anyone might submit lyrics to "The Ballad of Jeanie and Kevin." Best entry wins something cheap but appealing, in a trashy sort of way. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 95, in which you were asked to reinterpret headlines appearing in The Post. Several headlines proved too juicy to resist, and produced dozens of nearly identical entries: BANKER WITHOUT PARTY TIES TO LEAD ITALY resulted in countless items about a politician lacking a colorful wardrobe. STREETS THAT ARE PAVED WITH THE POOR produced 20 variations of "Newt Gingrich announced his proposal today for reducing the budget of the Transportation Department ..." And, ZEDILLO'S STRATEGY -- MEXICANS MUST BE CONVINCED OF NEED FOR SACRIFICES produced a dozen of these: "To appease the gods and help the sagging economony, the new Mexican president called today for a return to ritual Aztec killings of virgins . . . " Fourth Runner-Up: SPIRITS RISE ALONG WITH THE TEMPERATURES -- District residents were horrified yesterday to discover that, as the temperatures climbed into the sixties, the dead were rising from their graves to enjoy the weather. (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel) Third Runner-Up: JOHNSON CONNECTS FOR 42 -- Wilt Chamberlain today claimed that he had broken his own one-day scoring record ... (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: WARM UP THOSE ZAMBONIS -- Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control issued a warning today that hundreds of Americans will suffer from salmonella poisoning unless they properly heat zambonis before eating. "Salmonella thrive in the popular Italian snacks ..." (Jerry A. Pohl, Rockville) First Runner-Up: WOMAN FATALLY SHOT IN SOUTHEAST -- Decency prohibits us from saying precisely where Mrs. Anna Koster was shot, but ... (Saul Jay Singer, Silver Spring) And the winner of the Elvis guitar clock: DOING A NUMBER ON D.C. -- It remained unclear today whether Congress intends to do a No. 1 or a No. 2 ... (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: GINGRICH FIRES HIS PICK FOR HOUSE HISTORIAN -- In a farewell salute to Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders ... (John Kammer, Herndon) MARILYN QUAYLE SPEAKS OUT ON GRAMM, ALEXANDER -- Citing a need to "return to those values that made America the technological leader of the world," the former vice president's wife quoted her husband: "We must remember our landmark achievements such as Thomas Edison's light bulb and the invention of the Bell telephone by, ah, that guy with the beard, ah, you know, Alexander Gramm. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel; also, Robin D. Grove, Washington) THE 'VIRTUAL DAD' -- Michael Jackson announced today that he was "virtually a father," and that his wife, Lisa Marie, would get pregnant just as soon as they started having sex. (Joseph Romm, Washington) WHY NOT YOU ASK? -- What's wrong with this, headline? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) DESPERATE DEMOCRATS SCRAMBLE IN TIGHT JOB MARKET -- How bad is it for out-of-work Democrats? Ask Mack O'Donnell, former top aide to Dan Rostenkowski, as he stands at the grill of the Clipper Diner, whipping up an omelet ... (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) FIRST LADY, EYE TO EYE WITH HERSELF -- A controversial oil painting of Hillary Clinton, in the style of Picasso, was unveiled today ... (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) BETTER HANDLE ON D.C. HOMICIDES -- The total amount wagered on D.C. homicide totals reached a record high last year, as a flurry of late wagers on the District's 1994 murder tally pushed the pool's total "handle" past the $100,000 mark. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington; also, Saul J. Singer, Silver Spring) PEACE ACCORD JEOPARDIZED IN BOSNIA -- In a humanitarian visit to war-torn Sarajevo, Alex Trebek said to a group of Muslims, "It doesn't stand a chance here in Bosnia," and the throng shouted back, "What is the peace accord?" (Diego Hernandez, Montgomery Village) THE REAL "BELOVED"? Antonie Brentano (1780-1969) -- Reputed to be the secret lover of Ludwig van Beethoven, Antonie Brentano lived to be 189 years old and died after dropping some bad acid at Woodstock. (David Howison, Lexington, Va.) GOP OUTLINES BROAD WELFARE REFORM ... Programs for kids and minorities also affected. (Jack M. Rudolph, Charlottesville) BLAZERS DRIVE PAST SKIDDING BULLETS -- In the latest fad to hit the D.C. streets, teams of teenagers speed in Chevy trucks past their opponents, who shoot at their tires ... (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) THINGS TO WATCH FOR IN THE DAYS AFTER BIRTH -- Infants are being advised to watch for bare breasts shortly after birth, as this is where their food sources are ... (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) LEAD ATTORNEYS FOR SAUERBREY ARE REPLACED -- Would-be governor Ellen Sauerbrey continued to demonstrate her mettle by replacing her lead attorneys with lawyers fashioned from tin and gold. According to a Sauerbrey spokesperson, the new attorneys are expected to be more malleable. (Rick Wasser, Sterling) HOW DO THEY LIKE THEM APPLES? While Intel has finally solved the math problems of its Pentium chip, a similar problem has just been found in the new line of Apple computers' word-check functions. The Macintosh will occasionally miss correcting a mistake, and will also change something that doesn't need to be corrected, such as changing "We are fine" to "We is fine." (Kevin Cuddihy, Blacksburg) And Last: LOAN GUARANTEES GET CAUTIOUS HILL BACKING -- "The Washington Post has published one of the most boring headlines I've ever seen," according to Elden Carnahan of Laurel. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) NEXT WEEK: Stick It In Your Era. ====================================================================== WEEK 99, published February 5, 1995 WEEK 99: WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE PICTURES? This Week's Contest was suggested by Jennifer Hart of Arlington, who wins a Russian-language Archie comic book. Jennifer proposes that you tell us What's Wrong With These Pictures? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a fabulous copper music box outhouse that plays "Those Were the Days" while the door swings open, revealing a little man engaged in traditional outhouse activity, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 99, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 96, in which you were asked to come up with a catch phrase to describe the 1990s. But first, a special citation to Mike Thring of Leesburg, who wins Dan Quayle's book, "Standing Firm," for coming up with catch phrases for the '50s through the '90s, which we print here without comment: '50s -- The Dick Clark Years; '60s -- The Dick York Years; '70s -- The Dick Nixon Years; '80s -- The Richard Simmons Years; '90s -- The Age of Bobbitt. Back to the '90s: Third Runner-Up: The Great Sobriety (Joseph Atkins, Bethesda) Second Runner-Up: How's My Decade? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: The Times That Sold Men's Trials (Kurt Rabin, Fredericksburg) And the Winner of the framed Velvis: The Age of Innocence Not Guilty (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: The Honorable Mention Years. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Decade So Politically Correct It's Afraid to Label Itself (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) The 1990s: The '80s With a Salary Cap. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) The Short Attention Spa Decade (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) The Self-Referential Decade, as Named by Peter Owen of Williamsburg. (Peter Owen, Williamsburg) The Days of Whine & Roseanne (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) THE TABLOID TIMES (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) The 21st Century: The Early Years (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Nineties. The Ninesters, the Nine-o-ramas, the Ninety-Meisters, the Age of Nine-ishness... (Paul Styrene, Olney) The Twilight of the Goods (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) A Decade to Be Named Later (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Guilted Age (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The 1990s: NFC 10, AFC 0 (Dan Byrne, Falls Church) The Rough Age (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The Rolodecade (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Rappin' With the '90s. The One 2 Ten Years Lacing Music With Our Fears &%#@ the Rest 'Cause These Are Best. (Jim and Tana Reagan, Herndon) The Decade of the 1990s -- Brought to you by your good friends at Allstate, who remind you, "You're in Good Hands With Allstate," and by your local Coca-Cola bottler. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) The Decade Shortened by the Astronomers' Strike (Russell Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Newtonian Philosophy ====================================================================== WEEK 100, published February 12, 1995 Week 100: The Joke's On You Joke 1 -- A herd of ostriches is standing in the desert when the scent of a lion wafts by. Terrified, the ostriches bury their heads in the sand. An hour passes. Then another ostrich lopes by, sees all the ostriches with their heads in the sand and says: "Say, where is everybody?" Joke 2 -- A reporter walks up to four diplomats - a Russian, an American, a Frenchman and an Iraqi - and asks them all, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?" The American says, "What is a shortage?" The Russian says, "What is meat?" The Iraqi says, "What is an opinion?" And the Frenchman says, "What is 'excuse me' " Joke 3 -- "My dog has no nose." "Really? How does he smell?" "He stinks." This Week's Contest: Retell any of these jokes as they would be told by some celebrity, living or dead. You can alter the joke as much as you wish. First-prize winner receives a Treetop Singer, a plastic bird that warbles every time anything makes a noise anywhere in its vicinity. This obnoxious twitty object costs $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 100, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 97, in which we asked you to come up with Gingrichisms, colorful if slightly Neanderthal explanations of the basic principles of life. Fortunately, your entries stank up the joint, leaving us with needed space to tie up some loose ends. First, we have received a correspondence from Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax hotly denying that he and Jeanie DeLisi of Sterling are an "item." Reviewing where matters now stand, we have an unfounded scurrilous rumor that has been: 1) hotly denied by one alleged participant while the other alleged participant remains: 2) suspiciously silent. More on this breaking sex scandal as it develops. Next: The winner of the fine-print contest to come up with creative new examples of onomatopoeia, or words that sound like what they are describing, is Stu Segal of Vienna, who wins a fabulous book on the prostate gland for "Panache--The sound a dollop of spaghetti sauce makes hitting a designer suit." And in the contest to explain the inscrutable cartoon below, the winner of the giant flag of a goose is Jerry Pannullo of Chevy Chase, who writes: "It is a little-known fact that shortly after George Washington's death in 1799, Martha Washington's childhood sweetheart exhumed George's body, cut of his head, and mounted it on a post. In a fit of rage he then ripped off his own kneecap, hurled it at our first president's head, and then danced a jig. The only witness was a cow." Special mention goes to Lisa Zucker of Bethesda, who described a miniature golf course consisting only of "a tiny Capitol building and a George Washington Pez dispenser." Next: The winner of a drinking duck for coming up with the most accurate explanation for how a drinking duck works is Thomas J. Murphy of Bowie, whose explanation is so long and stultifying we will not repeat it here except to say that it involves volatility and vapor pressure and the Second Law of Thermodynamics. We fear Tom may not be the most scintillating human being on Earth, but he certainly knows his refrigerants. Winner of a drinking duck for the funniest explanation of how a drinking duck works is Fil Feit of Annandale, who writes: "1. Drinking ducks love vodka. 2. Drinking ducks hate water. 3. Drinking ducks cannot tell vodka from water without tasting. 4. Drinking ducks are senile." And now, Gingrichisms: Second Runner-Up: "We should consider employing an entirely female navy, because a woman's anatomy makes her particularly well suited for use as a flotation device." (Mark Briscoe, Arlington) First Runner-Up: "Joan of Arc? Dead of infection. Look it up." (Dave Yanchulis, Washington) And the winner of the pet salamander: "Men are better decision makers than women. This capacity is developed at an early age during toilet training. Every time a man goes to the bathroom, he makes a conscious decision to stand or sit. That trait is underdeveloped in women, who are always dithering over every little thing." (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: "Women are better at sweatshop work. Their perspiration doesn't smell as bad in close quarters and they like to sew clothes. Men need to work outside where they can sweat and urinate freely. Children can be kept in orphanages above the sweatshops." (Kim Patterson, Gaithersburg) "Bill Clinton is a Democrat. The Democrats are donkeys. That means he is an ass. I am a Republican. The Republicans are elephants. That means I have large genitals." (Rick Sasaki, Arlington) And Last: "T-shirts are a symbol of acceptance and honor. Bumper stickers are cold and hurt like crazy when you take them off." (Allen R. Breon, Columbia) Next Week: Cheatin' Art ====================================================================== WEEK 101, published February 19, 1995 WEEK 101: [title deliberately left blank] First-Prize Winner gets an antique Oliver Hardy ventriloquist's dummy, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 101, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Don't look for help here. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 98, in which we asked for country-western song titles, on the general subjects of Lovin', Cheatin', Thievin', Drinkin', Truckin' or Dogs. Great results. Many people submitted real song titles, the best of which was "I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lyin' on My Side Cryin' in My Sleep Over You." Seventh Runner-Up: "Jump in the Hefty Bag, Baby, 'Cause I'm Takin' Out the Trash" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Sixth Runner-Up: "She Gimme Any More Lip, You Gonna Have to Call Me Jagger" (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Fifth Runner-Up: "My Best Man Was Her Daddy's Shotgun" (Rajiv Suri, Washington) Fourth Runner-Up: "Why Don't We Get Drunk and (Thud)" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) [Table] Third Runner-Up: "I Knifed the Forklift Driver 'Cause He Was Spoonin' With You" (submitted posthumously for Somerby Dowst by his loving nephew Rich Inman, Reston) Second Runner-Up: "Won't You Be My Ballantine?" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) First Runner-Up:"I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone Than Another Night With You" (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) And The Winner of the Beano Windbreaker: "Lovin' You Clogged My Arteries With Your Big Fat Lies, Then You Bypassed My Heart for Some Other Guy" (Lois and Tony Roisman, Washington) Honorable Mentions: "Stand by Your Dog" (Paul Styrene, Olney) "You Left Me in a Ditch, Brokenhearted and Infected, You Giraffe-Hunting Bastard" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) "I Stagger the Line" (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "Fancy Garbage-Truck Drivin' Man" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "You Stole My Heart, but Lojack Found It" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Like a Rolling Home" (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) "You're as Sweet as Tupelo Honey on My Spam" (Robin D. Grove, Washington) "I May as Well Be Gay If You're Not Straight With Me" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "They Say Our Love's Illicit, but I'm Still Prayin' for a Conjugal Visit"(Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) "(Our Love Is So Hot) You're Meltin' Nadine's Tattoo off My Butt" (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) "A Replacement Player Hit a Home Run With My Cheatin' Wife" (Russ Beland, Springfield) "I Fought the Dog, and the Dog Won" (Ian & Melissa Fossberg, Washington) "I Wanted His Truck, but All I Got Was the Dipstick" (Philip D. Delduke, Bethesda) "My Man Is Up in Lorton and His Boyfriend's Name Is Norton." (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) "If I Were a Dog I Wouldn't Sniff Your Cheatin' Butt" (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "You're the Missing Link in My Chain Saw, and I Just Can't Cut It No More" (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.) "She Swore She'd Be Faithful but There's WD-40 on the Zipper of Her Jeans" (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) "My Love for You Is Bigger Than My Prostate" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And last: "If You Ever Leave Me, Take the Mongoose With You" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) NEXT WEEK: What's Wrong With These Pictures ====================================================================== WEEK 102, published February 26, 1995 Week 102: HELP! I'M A PRISONER IN THIS CONTEST You will win the lottery, and then die. Your lucky numbers are 12, 23, 9, 38, 17 and 40. This restaurant never serves cat meat. To our knowledge. You must find the jade monkey to save the Pu Ping Dynasty. Report from Week 99, in which you were asked to find what was wrong with any of three pictures. * Third Runner-Up: (Picture A) Although the tuba is stuffed with a man's torso, the little notes indicate that the player is making musical sounds somehow. You people are absolutely disgusting.(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) * Second Runner-Up (Picture B) No pitchfork. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) * First Runner-Up (Picture B): I never really cared for Hillary's personal style during the Arkansas years. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * And the winner of the copper outhouse music box: (Picture B) After having posed 30 straight days for the great artist, the woman seemed serene and surprisingly free of infections. (George Wills, Blacksburg) Picture A: There is a pig flying. As the Style Invitational has yet to show a sign of good taste, pigs should not have flown yet. (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel) The newsboy cannot be selling The Washington Post, because the headline would be "Feds Register Concern Over Beverage Ramifications." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Picture B: It's a brilliant forgery, but to fool the experts it should be a bit larger. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Fashion no-no: Failure to accessorize. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Leonardo da Vinci could not have painted a portrait of J. Edgar Hoover since da Vinci died a few hundred years before Hoover was even BORN. (Russ Beland and Jerry Pannullo, Springfield) Insert credit line to avoid artist's lawsuit: By Leonardo da Vinci for The Washington Post. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Picture C: The cabbie in the lower right-hand corner speaks fluent English (Kurt Beals, Staunton) No one has any feet. Shoe City would have folded months ago. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) And Last: (All pictures) They're damp, smeared and torn. You tell the delivery person to wrap my Sunday paper in one of those damn plastic bags or I cancel my subscription. (John Kammer, Herndon) Next Week: The Joke's On You ====================================================================== WEEK 103, published March 5, 1995 Week 103: Send Help. 1. Sit in the Speaker's Chair, $10. Sit in the Speaker's lap, $ 5. 2. Seek corporate sponsorship for the monuments. Who could object to "The Bic Washington Monument" or "The Ford Lincoln Memorial"? 3. Declare "crack" a commodity. Start trading futures on the open market. This Week's Contest was suggested by Larry Hinders, of Fredericksburg, who wins a nun-motif snow globe. Larry proposes that you come up with ways to raise badly needed cash for the District of Columbia. (Ideas can require cooperation by the federal government, on federal property.) First-prize winner gets a tasteful pencil holder made from the hoof and ankle of an elk, a value of $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 103, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The first person who correctly identifies Forsyth P. Jones wins a T-shirt. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 100, in which we asked you to retell any of these jokes in the style of someone famous. Joke 1: A herd of ostriches is standing in the desert when the scent of a lion wafts by. They bury their heads in the sand. Then another ostrich lopes by and says, "Say, where is everybody?" Joke 2: A reporter comes up to four diplomats and asks them, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?" The American says, "What is a shortage?" The Russian says, "What is meat?" The Iraqi says, "What is an opinion?" And the Frenchman says, "What is 'excuse me'?" Joke 3: "My dog has no nose." "Really? How does he smell?" "He stinks!" Third Runner-Up -- Joke 3, told by Rep. Dick Armey: My fag has no nose. What? What's wrong? I said dog. My dog has no nose. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: -- Joke 2, as told by "The McLaughlin Group": WELCOME TO "THE McLAUGHLIN GROUP." BUT FIRST LARRY WANTS TO TELL A JOKE! Thanks, John. I want to tell a joke before we ... WELL, WHAT'S THE JOKE? Uh, okay. Here it is. A reporter went to Washington one day, and ... HURRY UP, LARRY! ...and he met four diplomats. So he walked up to them, and said, "Excuse me, what's your opinion ..." GET TO THE PUNCHLINE NOW, LARRY! Okay, and the Frenchman said, "What is 'excuse me'?" I DON'T GET IT, LARRY! Well, John, there's always been a view of the French as being rude, and ... THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS BEING RUDE!(Mark Murray, Arnold) -- First Runner-Up -- Joke 3, as told by Aldrich Ames: My dog has no nose. How does he smell? The runes are cast in August and the roses are in bloom. I want my money. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the Treetops Singer: Joke 3, as told by the Watergate conspirators: RN: Okay, John, could you talk to Kleindienst about ... JE: Yeah, we have to check with [unintelligible] to see if ... HRH: Yeah, that dog. It didn't appear as if that dog ... RN: Stupid dog, getting in the way like that ... JM: There was something wrong with it, it didn't appear ... JE: Didn't appear to be [unintelligible] quite right ... HRH: Nose, yeah. There was something about the nose ... JM: Didn't, ah. JM: Didn't have one. RN: Yeah, don't, don't they ... HRH: Yeah, need them [unintelligible]. Dogs smell things. RN: Stupid dog. JM: How do you think it ... JE: How would it ... HRH: Smell pretty [expletive deleted] bad. RN: We better cover this up. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: Joke 1, as told by Wilt Chamberlain: A herd of ostriches is standing in the desert when the scent of a lion wafts by. They bury their heads in the sand. Then, I walk by and see all these ostriches with their heads in the sand, and the thought rushes through my mind, "Wow! This is going to do wonders for my average!" (Bernard Davis, Chevy Chase) Joke 3, as told by Newt Gingrich: Some dogs don't want noses. They prefer to have them cut off. (John Kammer, Herndon) Joke 2, as told by Sharon Pratt Kelly: A reporter walks up to Connie Chung, Bill Clinton and Marion Barry and she says, "Off the record, I was hoping to get some opinions about Mrs. Gingrich's statement that the first lady is a bitch." Chung says, "What is 'off the record?' " Clinton says, "What do you mean, bitch? That's no bitch, that is my wife." And Barry says, "What do you mean by 'hoping to get some'?" (Chris Stelzig, Silver Spring) Joke 3, as told by Jesse Jackson: So it's time to quit complaining about the olfactory, and start opening some new factories . . . (John Kammer, Herndon) Joke 2, as told by Howard Stern: A stuttering reporter walks up to four diplomats -- a Russian, an American, a Frenchman and an Iraqi -- and he asks them how big their wee-wees are and did they ever fart at an important meeting. Then I get a million dollars. (Larry Hinders, Fredericksburg) Joke 2, as told by Saddam Hussein: A reporter walks up to four people in the street and asks what they think of current living conditions. "Living conditions are terrible," says the first man, who is immediately shot dead. "Things are getting better," said the second man, who is also shot dead. The third man looks tentatively around and says, "Things are pretty good these days," and he, too, is shot dead on the spot. To save time, the fourth man is shot dead before he can speak. That's what happens to people who speak to reporters. (John Kammer, Herndon) Joke 2, as told by Keith Richards: So there's three gents, all from different countries. Diplomatic sorts, or some such. And they're standing around chatting about this or that. (Pauses to light cigarette. Glances around, confused.) Did I just say something? (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Joke 1, as told by Jerry Seinfeld: Ever notice that a lion has a scent that wafts? Why is that? My scent doesn't waft. It just sits there. No wafting. Just sitting. I tried wafting my scent, but I pulled a muscle . . . (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Joke 2, as told by Henry Foster: A reporter walks up to a diplomat. Well, actually, it was more than one diplomat, it was four, or maybe more than four, but certainly fewer than a dozen. Okay, a reporter walks up to no more than 39 diplomats . . . (Meg Sullivan, Potomac; also, Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Joke 3, as told by Cmdr. Data from "Star Trek: The Next Generation": My dog has no nose and does not smell very well because of this condition. I do not understand why this is funny. (Edward Mickolus, Dunn Loring) Joke 3, as told by Jeffrey Dahmer: My dog has no nose. How does he smell? Delicious, but I think I'll leave him in the microwave another minute. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Joke 2, as told by the Czar of the Style Invitational: A reporter walks up to four of his colleagues at the Simpson trial and asks them, "Do you think that the bloody socks the police found in the mansion will be enough to tip the scales?" The reporter from The Washington Post says, "No way, it is inadmissible evidence." The reporter from the National Enquirer says, "Who cares, everyone knows O.J. is guilty." The reporter from the Village Voice says, "It's a disgrace, one man living in a house like that when millions are homeless." And the reporter from the Charlestown, W.Va, Mail-Express says, "What are socks?"(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: There Was No Contest. Or Was There? ====================================================================== WEEK 104, published March 12, 1995 WEEK 104: HERE, DOGGEREL Pete Rose Sat on a tack Pete rose. Gary Hart Met Donna Rice Gary (heart symbol) Lorena Bobbitt, Take this knife and Lorena, bob it. This week, The Style Invitational enters its Terrible Twos. We confess that when we began this undignified little feature, we never anticipated it lasting this long. Three weeks, tops. Apparently, though, neither Donald nor Katharine Graham has discovered it yet. PLEASE DON'T TELL THEM. Thank you. On to This Week's Contest: Remember the double dactyl, the poetry form so sophisticated we said it was to the limerick what Thomas Jefferson was to a head louse? Well, today we propose a form of poetry so dumb that it is to the limerick what Nick-L-Nips are to Taittinger blanc de blancs. The contest was proposed by Jim Barnes of Leesburg in loving memory of his father, James A. Barnes Sr., the inventor of this poetry form. Jim Jr. wins some plastic snot. Jim Sr. may well have been a major intellectual, a Nobel laureate for all we know, holder of the modern Olympic record in the combined Nordic event, and the danged finest dad ever to walk the Earth, but from now on he will be publicly remembered only as the creator of poems so bad they thud. Here are the rules: There are three lines. The first line must be a name and only a name. The second line can be as long or as short as you wish. The third line must sound the same as the first line, using the name as a verb or some other part of speech. First-prize winner gets a really ugly plaster statuette of Bill Clinton playing the sax, a value of $65. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 104, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Bill LeWarne of Gaithersburg wins the T-shirt for being the first to correctly identify Forsyth P. Jones as (PICTURE OF JUGHEAD). Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 101, in which we printed a blank space, with no contest directions at all. A little intimidating, no? Mary Z. Darne of Arlington wrote in to say it reminded her of the college philosophy class where the final exam essay question was, "What is courage?" and the only grade of A went to a student whose answer, in its entirety, was: "This is." Basically, there were two reasonable ways of interpreting this contest: Either we were inviting you to fill in the white space with something funny, or we were inviting you to caption the white space itself. Almost everyone chose option two, which was easier but far less creative. The best of these: Fifth Runner-Up: A lack-of-imagination test to see how many entrants say, "A polar bear in a snowstorm." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: Two polar bears in a snowstorm. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) and; Third Runner-Up: Mayor Barry's "Contract With Ward 3." (Mike Finigan, Crownsville) But the better entries saw the contest as an open-ended challenge: Second Runner Up: I had to get up at 8:15 a.m., so to be sure I woke up, I set the alarm allowing for a seven-minute snooze period, so that the second time the alarm went off, it would be at precisely 8:15. I woke up very tired at the first buzz. When I am really tired, I sometimes wake up not knowing what the buzzing is, and I lie in bed wondering what that noise is. This was one such morning. So, I decided I should see what time it is. For some reason, instead of reading "8:08" on the clock's face, I saw the name Bob. I flopped back into bed. "Great," I thought. "There's a strange noise in my room, and my alarm clock says `Bob.' " I watched the clock for a full minute (until it became Bo9), before it dawned on me.(Julie Mangin, Silver Spring; Julie wins a second t-shirt for a hilarious entry too revolting to be published on any planet inhabited by sentient beings.) [Editor's Note: When Julie was admitted to the Facebook Group Style Invitational Friends in November of 2020, the revolting entry was finally revealed: "MANGIN'S LAW: Fart happens a lot more than shit does."] First Runner-Up: Since the wide open white space reminds me of a close-up of a nurse's backside, I am assuming you wanted entrants to acknowledge that hospitals have boring names, and to come up with better ones. Here are my examples: the Bone and Moan, the Golden Bedpan, Doc Side, and Enema of the People. (Marty Madden, Prince Frederick) And the Winner of the Oliver Hardy dummy: Lessee, Week 101, in which we were to both propose our own contest and then present what should be the winning entry. The Contest: "Prepare a Washington Post headline for any event or story in the Bible." The Winning Answer: Job Outlook Grim (Allan Grady, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions The wit and wisdom of the Sage of Woodbridge, Vol. II, the Non-Potty Years. (Craig Conrath, Alexandria) My entry, after being altered for reasons of taste, appropriateness or humor. (Don Maclean, Burke, also Mary Z. Darne, Arlington) This must be a contest to guess how many people will enter the contest, right? Okay, I guess 600,000 people. And assuming there are no other entrants, I am the winner! (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) The Bill of Rights as amended by Strom Thurmond. (Levi Goldfarb, Temple Hills) The proper pronunciation of (Prince symbol). (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Shadow Senator Jesse Jackson, at high noon. (Bradford A. Jewett, Washington) Rorschach didn't laugh when his colleagues filled the bottle with disappearing ink. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Gene Shalit loves Week 101! It's a winner! It's fabulous! Blanks for a great contest! (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) What if a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, and they use the pulp to make paper for the Style Invitational 101? (John Davey, Oakton) What is the name of that spray? I would like to use it on some other columns. (Papan Devnani, Arlington) This is obviously another one of those pictures of Sharon Stone tearing off my clothes. (David Siltman, Gaithersburg) Nostradamus prediction No. 982: The release of "The Brady Bunch Movie" brings the Style Invitational to a grinding halt. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Occam's Hanky. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) While Bil Keane is on vacation, young Billy (age 7) depicts the brimming well from which his daddy draws his "Family Circus" ideas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) My repressed memories of the week of the double dactyls. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What is the opposite of (black square)? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) I am glad The Post finally got my order right. One Sunday Post, hold the Invitational. (Eddie Sacks, Silver Spring) The naughty Style Invitational is given a "timeout" by The Post. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I find the blank Week 101 is the perfect hue and makes excellent wallpaper. Please send me another 10,000 copies. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) The person formerly known as Michael Dukakis. (Denise Romano, Annandale) If the Style section ever does a feature on me, what I hope it looks like. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Did you know that Betty Rubble is not included in the Flintstones Vitamins? Really. It's an outrage. The company that manufactures them has gone on record that "when reduced to tablet size, Betty is indistinguishable from Wilma." Bullhockey. First of all, their hairstyles are quite different. Much more different than, say, Fred's and Barney's. Dino is a vitamin, even Fred's car is a vitamin. Where's Betty? This is the feminist issue of the 1990s. (Julie Mangin, Silver Spring) The white cells of the immune system of The Post finally begin to attack the Style Invitational. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: One Sunday, I got a Style Invitational entry printed and (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) didn't. This is the resulting picture of Hell freezing over. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 105, published March 19, 1995 Week 105: Good Idea, Bad Idea Good Idea: Buy low, sell high. Bad Idea: Buy low, sell drunk. Good Idea: A personal philosophy that teaches the virtue of self-sacrifice. Bad Idea: A personal philosophy that teaches the virtue of human sacrifice. This Week's Contest was suggested by Arthur C. Adams of Laurel, who stole it from the Fox Network's Animaniacs cartoons. Arthur wins the keys to a 1995 Isuzu Trooper. Just the keys, not the car. Hey, he stole the idea. The contest is to come up with Good Ideas and then to convert them to Bad Ideas through slight changes in wording. First-place winner gets a fabulous prize donated to the Style Invitational by Dave Barry: a copy of Dan Quayle's book, "Standing Firm," autographed by Quayle. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 105, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 102, in which you were asked to come up with Chinese fortune cookie fortunes you would like to see. Many common themes this week: Rat/spaniel/cat/hamster as "the other white meat." Also, several people seemed to think it necessary to note that "won ton" is "not now" spelled backward. But mostly, we would like to comment on the widespread assumption that the mere mention of the words "Pu Pu Platter" would guarantee a prize. There seems to be a misconception that this contest is scatologically oriented, a contention we find ludicrous and insulting. Crude humor will find no sanctuary in a place as dignified as The Washington Post Stool Section. Style Section. Fourth Runner-Up: If Newt wrote this it would be worth $4 million. (Don Maclean, Burke) Third Runner-Up: Help! I am being held hostage in a Chinese fortune cookie factory, so I'm putting my hair into the batter to alert people. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Second Runner-Up: A Penny Saved Is a Penny Earned. Copyright (C) 1995 Chinese Proverbs Inc., Shanghai. All Rights Reserved. No portion of this fortune may be reproduced in any way without express written permission from the publisher. (Edward Roeder, Washington; also, George Wills, Blacksburg) First Runner-Up: We riked you Chinee waiter imitation. Hope you riked speciar soup we fix fol you. (Larry Hinders, Fredericksburg; also, Jean Sorenson, Herndon) And the winner of the feathered maracas:(Bazooka Joe Cartoon.) Honorable Mentions: You are witty, wise and handsome. But of course, if I knew from squat, would I be writing fortune cookies for a living? (Paul Alter, Hyattsville) Your suspicions are groundless. We are (crossed out) The CIA is not following you. (Donald H. Heitman, Arlington) Even vegetarians live off death. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) He who leaves job unfinished (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Date and meal have much in common. Very much dog. (Mike Flannery, Herndon) Save this slip in case you need to use the rest room. (Steve Bienstock, Rockville; also, Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) Howard Stern (click) (Paul Styrene, Olney) RTANT: Time to Change Roll of Fortunes In Cookie Machine IMPORTANT: Time t (Maureen Flaherty, Springfield) Much fun, fun, fun will be had until the Thunderbird automobile is repossessed by the father of her. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Shitake happens (Kurt Rabin, Fredericksburg) Made in Occupied Japan. (Robert Pack, Bethesda) You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products. (Lori Cullen, Arlington) You have been shattered into many pieces, which will be picked up and devoured by a fat pig. Oh, wait. That's my fortune. (Lori Cullen, Arlington) The poison you just ingested . . . (continued on next cookie.) (Scott Kane, Reston) Just for grins, blow a dog whistle next to the kitchen. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) I write for fortune cookies too. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) (Wendell Wagner, Jr., Greenbelt) Important! Handle with care! Do not open. In the event of cookie rupture, contact (ideographs) (Steve Ahart, Sterling) When I grow up, I want to be a Reader's Digest joke. (Edward F. Mickolus, Dunn Loring) Daed si laup. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Medical Instruments Inc. IUD Demonstrator Model No. 14B63. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Did you really think we could share even one aspect of our complex, millenia-old culture in a simple aphorism? (Diane Smith, Oakton) You may think you are smart, but you are no Epstein. (Shirlee Weingarten, Sarasota, Fla.) You will be "partially devoured" by lions. (Ralph T. Webb, Washington) Our fortune cookies have been carbon dated for freshness. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honey, the lo mein is in the bluish-green tub and our fishing worms are in the greenish-blue tub. See you tonight. (Steve Ahart, Sterling) ====================================================================== WEEK 106, published March 26, 1995 Week 106: Drawing Conclusions Who are these people, and what are they doing? Choose one or more. First-prize winner receives a crushed velvet, bejangled jester's cap, a value of $35. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 106, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 103, in which we asked for solutions to the District's financial woes. One of our favorite entries was from Jean Sorenson of Herndon, who wins some complimentary Beano products we happen to have around the office. Jean's idea might actually work -- if not as a revenue source for the city, certainly for some enterprising thug. We offer it here, free of charge: Set up a downtown concession stand where tourists can have their pictures taken with an actual Washington felon. He could hold up his mug shot! Fifth Runner-Up: Have city workers spill coffee on themselves at area McDonald's. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Fourth Runner-Up: Reopen Dick Nixon's bowling alley in the White House. Charge only a buck a game, but really gouge 'em for the shoes. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: Change the city's name to The Shops at Washington Gables, at District of Columbia Acres. This will attract a more well-to-do element. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Second Runner-Up: For $25, you can add your signature to the Declaration of Independence. (Bruce Gersh, Bethesda) First Runner-Up: Convince Herbert Haft that leaving all his money to the city would really screw his family. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) And the winner of the elk hoof pencil holder: Marion Barry should ask the governor of West Virginia if he has two tens for a five. (J.F. Martin, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: Charge the State of Washington royalties for using the name. $722 million ought to cover it. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Require all 45,000 District employees to pick up their checks at the Bureau of Traffic Adjudication, in person, each Friday between 3 and 4 p.m. Require all checks to be cashed at the Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs between 4 and 5 p.m. The District keeps the uncashed checks. (Harry Chernoff, Great Falls) Get people to stop saying "Murder Capital of the World" like it's some kind of bad thing. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) The sound that Metro trains make when their doors close? Change it to sponsors' melodies. (Example: Old chime -- ding-dong. New chime -- "Come see the softer side of Sears." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Hire Shapiro, Bailey and Cochran to prove the city is not in debt. (Vance Greer, Sterling; also, Gordon Labow, Bowie) Advertise a "How to Avoid D.C. Scam Artists" course through the Learning Annex. Take the money and run. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Cut Lincoln out of his chair in the memorial. A chair that big has to have at least $1 million in loose change rolling around in the cushions. (Kevin Cuddihy, Blacksburg) Announce that the District will never charge anybody taxes, ever. As soon as enough people move in, raise taxes to 90 percent. When people begin to leave, abolish all taxes. Keep doing this until they get wise. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) A new product: Start marketing Mayor Barry's own "I Can't Believe It's Not Crack" (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Change the Pick 3 numbers game to Pick 3 Letters, but don't change the payoff odds. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Let several thousand giraffes loose in the District. Charge men a hefty fine when they inevitably respond to their primal urge to hunt them. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Point out that before continental drift, France was part of the District, and fine the French for illegal secession. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Install coin-operated turnstiles in halfway houses. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Start charging people to urinate on Metro elevators. Stop giving it away. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Set up a dunking booth featuring Marion Barry and Sharon Pratt Kelly and let citizens "vote" for who caused the deficit. (Allen R. Breon, Columbia) The city should bring its lunch to work instead of eating out all the time. (John Kammer, Herndon) Remove the brakes from the Washington Monument elevators and turn them into "George Washington's Tower of Terror." (Ken Paisner, Woolcott, N.Y.) And Last: Okay, follow my logic here. Three salesmen check into a hotel and get one room for $60, each paying $ 20. Then the semi-honest clerk discovers that the room is only $ 55, so he refunds the salesmen $ 1 each and pockets the $ 2. Now each salesman has paid $ 19 each, which is $ 57 total. Plus, the clerk has $ 2. Where is the missing dollar? This must happen all the time. If D.C. can just figure out where all the dollars go and get a hold of them ... (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 107, published April 2, 1995 Week 107: Clusters' Last Stand For some time, we have been troubled by the constellations, which were discovered by persons of yore with comical haircuts and names like Theophrastus Bombastus the Lesser, persons in togas who would look heavenward, see, like, six stars in a random cluster, and declare authoritatively that it was "Bodacius the Water Carrier Impaling a Sloth on a Yardarm." Frankly, with the exception of the two dippers, we've never seen any constellation that looked even remotely like what it was supposed to be. So: It is time to reinterpret the constellations. Take an actual star cluster, redraw the lines into a different image, and give it a new name. You may use the constellations above, or any other, but the constituent stars must be accurately placed. The funniest ideas will win. You will not be judged on the quality of your drawing. Hey, if we were all as talented as Mr. Robert Staake of St. Louis, Mo., we would all be gouging The Washington Post for gargantuan fees every time we produced a primitive little sketch that takes, what, roughly nine seconds to draw, which would work out to an approximate salary of $235 million per year for Mr. Robert Staake of the St. Louis, Mo., if he actually spent more than three minutes a day working. Not that we are bitter. Anyway, Mr. Staake will redraw the winning entries, if he can find the time in his busy schedule. First-prize winner receives a red, white and blue stovepipe hat that makes the wearer look like a cross between Uncle Sam and a gibbering street lunatic. Purchased for $ 35, this is the same hat worn with dignity and distinction last week by Washington Post honcho editor Tom Wilkinson as he presided over the famed Post "weekend meeting" to plan coverage of the important global issues such as Chechnya. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 107, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 104, in which you were asked to submit poems of which the first line was a name and the third line was its homonym. This got the highest response total to date. We stopped counting at 9,000 entries. More than 500 people submitted the highly original idea that the Style Invitational should at long last "Chuck" Smith. Third Runner-Up: John Travolta, Everyone thought your career had gone down the John, Travolta.(Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: Idi Amin Dada Beat his kids Idi, a mean dada. (Mark Ross, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: CBS Gave us Connie Chung, and now we must See B.S. (Roger Bea, Vienna) And the Winner of the Bill Clinton statuette: (Prince symbol) Joined an orchestra percussion section. The conductor assigned The cymbal for the artist formerly known as Prince. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Bill Clinton, After he leaves office, many, many lawyers will Bill Clinton. (Emily E. Manuel, Falls Church) Tori Spelling Actor A-K-T -- um, like -- E-R. Actor. Tori, Spelling. (Julie Stone, Chantilly) U Nu Despite being prime minister of Burma, never, even once, has been listed in the Style Invitational, not even in an honorable mention. You knew? (Richard A. Millstein, Potomac) Gerald Ford Was on the links. Look out! Gerald fored. (Wendy C. Leyes, Chevy Chase) Fauquier County. Oh yeah? Well, (Censored) (Gary Dawson, Arlington) Doc Gooden Says, "Hey, I'm clean." Yeah, Doc. Good 'un. (Mark Holland, Danville, Va.) Socks the cat Is so irritating that his Secret Service agent Socks the cat. (Madi Green, Arlington; also Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) Joycelyn Elders. Her straight talk to kids was Jostlin' elders. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) The artist formerly known as Prince Lapsed into such obscurity that he became as much "The artist formerly known" as "Prince." (David Smith, Greenbelt) Mickey Spillane Partied one night with Desi Arnaz, whose wife said, "You two better have a damn good reason for rolling home at 4 a.m.," and Desi said, "Honey, chure we do! Um, ah, Mickey, 'splain." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Wes Unseld Was such a bad coach that hundreds of Bullets fans canceled their season tickets. It's appalling how many tickets Wes unselled. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Did you know there was a John Athol, 8th Duke of England, who died in 1942? I'll just eschew a joke here. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fidel Castro Eats so much during trips abroad that his chefs snicker, "Uh-oh, time to Feed 'El Gastro.' " (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) God, If they print this one my friends will treat me like a God. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Anwar Sadat Should pretty well have decomposed by now. Anwar's a dot. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Grover Cleveland Benjamin Harrison, Grover Cleveland (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Dan Quayle Misunderstood the rules of this contest. Dan Rostenkowski (Dave Jenkins, Arlington) Billie Jean King, Desperate for bucks, sold her name to Levi's, now is Billie, "Jean King" (Ellen Dean, Frederick) Magic Johnson (Insert joke here) Magic Johnson (Mark Lesko, Springfield) Prince Charles So indiscreet in your affair with Camilla that you left everything but Prints, Charles. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And Last: e.e. cummings wrote poetry in unconventional formats. (Scooter Krattenmaker, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 108, published April 9, 1995 Week 108: Near Misses "Please take my wife." -- Henny Youngman. "Let us go then, me and you. . . " -- T.S. Eliot "The business of America is pig farming." -- Calvin Coolidge This week's contest was proposed by John Mewshaw of Laurel, who wins a new name. Hahaha. Just kidding. John wins a joy buzzer. John suggests a contest to come up with the discarded first drafts of great lines in history or entertainment or literature; lines that almost made it, but not quite. First-prize winner gets a framed World War II-era poster featuring a Christlike figure astride the Earth. He is holding a monkey wrench. The caption reads: "The Plumber Protects the Health of the Nation." It's worth $90. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 108, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 105, in which we asked for good idea-bad idea scenarios. But first we wish to once again protest a torrent of crude jokes from people who seem to think this contest dwells in the gutter. Please be advised that the Style Invitational will never stoop to rewarding sophomoric, adolescent humor. Fifth Runner-Up -- Good idea: Shampoo. Bad idea: Shampoop. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Fourth Runner-Up -- Good idea: Wash hands after using toilet. Bad idea: Wash hands using toilet. (Jay Snyder, Chantilly) Third Runner-Up -- Good idea: Taking back the streets of Washington, D.C. Bad idea: Taking the back streets of Washington, D.C. (Steve Hazelton, Reston) Second Runner-Up -- Good idea: Have a documentary on the civil rights movement narrated by James Earl Jones. Bad idea: Have a documentary on the civil rights movement narrated by James Earl Ray. (Jerry A. Pohl, Rockville) First Runner-Up -- Good idea: In business meetings, express yourself. Bad idea: In business meetings, express your milk. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of "Standing Firm" autographed by Dan Quayle: Good idea: Showing pictures of your kids at a private party. Bad idea: Showing pictures of your privates at a kids' party. (Ira Moskowitz, Lanham) Honorable Mentions: Good Idea: Purchase a dog at the pound. Bad idea: Purchase dog by the pound. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown) Good idea: Saving the spotted owls. Bad idea: Saving the spotted owls in little plastic baggies in your freezer. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Good idea: Picking up a cent on the sidewalk. Bad idea: Picking up a scent on the sidewalk. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Good idea: Getting into Wharton after high school. Bad idea: Getting into Lorton after high school. (Beryl Benderly, Washington) Good idea: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. Bad idea: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for Iraq. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Good idea: Drive right, pass left. Bad idea: Drive right past cop. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Good idea: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Bad idea: Let he who is without insurance pass the first stone. (Rich Milauskas, Laurel) Good idea: Presenting fresh, shiny faces to the teacher each morning. Bad idea: Presenting fresh, shiny feces to the teacher each morning. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Good idea: Take pride in your work. Bad idea: Take pride in your wart. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Bad Idea: Clinton, Gore in '96. Good idea: Clinton, gone in '96. (David Clayton Carrad, Hockessin, Del.) Good idea: Shopping at Food Lion. Bad idea: Being lion food. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Good idea: Pose for Playboy while you can. Bad idea: Pose for Playboy on the can. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Good idea: Calling your mother. Bad idea: Calling "You mutha!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Good idea: Cultivating a staff of competent workers among your underlings. Bad idea: cultivating a staphylococcus among your under-things. (Mike Sharkey, Washington) Good idea: Acquire a foreign tongue. Bad idea: Acquire a foreign tongue in your wedding reception line. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Good idea: Getting great marks because of your class in "The Social Structure." Bad idea: Getting grate marks because of your class in the social structure. (Tom Albert, Alexandria) Good idea: Yearly mammograms over 50. Bad idea: Over 50 mammograms yearly. (Leslie Marshall and bridge buds, Bethesda) And Last: Good idea: Post humor contest winners. Bad idea: Posthumous contest winners. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Next Week: Drawing Conclusions ====================================================================== WEEK 109, published April 16, 1995 Week 109: Send Us Your Mail Parts From a Norwegian restaurant: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. From an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. From an auto repair shop in Majorca: Here speeching American. Outside a men's-only Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman. In a Tokyo hotel: You are invited to take advantage of chambermaid. Above are allegedly real signs, in comically fractured English, compiled by American travelers in foreign lands. We can't vouch for their authenticity; they were dumped anonymously into our Internet address, but they sure sound right, don't they? We're looking for similarly funny examples of pidgin English that try to say one thing, but actually say something quite different. First-prize winner gets a fabulous book about bodily fluids, a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 109, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 106, when we asked you to supply captions to any of four cartoons. Fifth Runner-Up (Cartoon B) -- The Big Apple Dumpling. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Fourth Runner-Up (Cartoon D) -- When olives dream . . . (Martin Lawson, Arlington) Third Runner-Up (Cartoon C) -- Of the many personality quirks attributed to the late J. Edgar Hoover, few knew of his crack problem. (Andrew Forin, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up (Cartoon A) -- Richardson knew only one reasonable course of action to take after realizing he had tragically mistaken a rectal for an oral thermometer. (John Kammer, Herndon) First Runner-Up (Cartoon A) -- In a desperate attempt to salvage his reputation, F. Lee Bailey announces his intention to swim the River Styx and personally depose Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) And the winner of the bejangled jester's hat:(Pete Clime, Frederick) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A I don't know what this is, but Rush will blame it on Hillary. (Lani Jacobson, Reston) Dan Quayle testing the waters for president . . . (Paul Kondis, Alexandria; also, Margaret Smith, Hyattsville) F. Lee Bailey demonstrates his latest theory that the murders were committed by illegal immigrant frogmen armed with sharpened screwdrivers, who travel via the sewer system and who carry briefcases filled with vials of other people's blood. (Dave Garratt, Greenbelt) H.F. Phillips, inventor of the Phillips-head screwdriver, commits an ironic suicide. (Bruce Evans, Washington) New Republican application procedure for NEA grants. (Kevin Mellema, Washington) Although Cecil's life insurance policy paid double if he were electrocuted in a bathtub, it paid nothing if he drowned. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) The plaintiff later sued the manufacturer of the screwdriver for not including a warning label. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Demonstration of West Virginia microwave. (Jan Verrey, Alexandria) Cartoon B "No, dammit! The mayor wanted a huge Fourth of July party on Liberty Island." (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) Only rarely does Liberty bend its knees to the throne. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The statue in front of the Federal Regulatory Commission. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) The very first image that pops into Chuck Smith's head when he thinks about America and freedom and the hallowed legacy of our founding fathers. (David W. Long, Kensington) Enema Lazarus heeds her muse. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) If the City ever slept. (John Murphy, Herndon) The replica wasn't exact, but it was cheap, so the town fathers in Wheeling decided to install it in the town square anyway. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Give me your tired, your poop . . . (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; also, Joseph Romm, Washington) Cartoon C This is the woman who tries on swimwear just before you do. (John Kammer, Herndon) The Coppertone Girl plans her comeback. (Paul Styrene, Olney; also, Allen R. Breon, Columbia) Sadie's eating disorder was never more evident than the day she ate her hands and feet. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) One more crack like that and we are going to have to hire another modeling agency. (Bob Weber, Purcellville) Cartoon D Told by Congress what he can do with D.C.'s budget, Marion Barry doesn't even get that right. (Don Maclean, Burke) The defense contractor thought that the Army had ordered Patriotic missiles. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The world's unluckiest sky diver. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Duh the Impaler never gained the notoriety of his brother Vlad. (Bob Weber, Purcellville) The only way to really kill a politician is to drive a Washington Monument through his heart. (Paul Styrene, Olney) A D.C. tourist, victim of the latest in terror, a drive-by monumenting. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Evel Knievel's nearsighted stepchild, Not-So-Bad Knievel, fouls up a motorcycle jump over the Washington Monument. (John Ferguson Jr., Washington) The type of bad thing that can happen when you carelessly say, "Hey, toss me that monument, will ya?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A shake for breakfast and lunch, a sensible dinner and a large monument through the stomach helped me lose 20 pounds! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Few people know that vampires can also be killed by driving a salt shaker through them. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) NEXT WEEK: Cluster's Last Stand. ====================================================================== WEEK 110, published April 23, 1995 Week 110: Do Not Inhale This Page On a Slinky: Do not use as dental floss. From a can of pickled herring: Not to be used as a facial astringent. On a Slinky: Do not use as dental floss. On a tub of vanilla Yogurt: This product not recommended as a Spackle substitute. This Week's Contest was suggested by Andrew Cullen of Arlington, who wins Power Lunch, a no-doubt scintillating board game crafted around the theme of Washington lobbying. Andrew came up with his contest idea after he opened a box of Silly Putty and saw a warning that the product should not be used as ear plugs. Andrew assumes this was prompted by fear of a lawsuit. He suggests we come up with absurd warning labels that might be found on other common products. First-prize winner receives a huge Power Ranger pinata, a value of $30, purchased for the Style Invitational by Kitty Thuermer of Washington, the woman with a job that Dares Not Speak Its Name. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 110, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 107, in which we asked you to redraw the constellations. But first, some unfinished business. When we last visited Jeanie DeLisi of Sterling and Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax, they were just two hapless readers unknown to each other but unfortunate enough to have submitted identical contest ideas the same week; alas, this fueled highly irresponsible published reports that they were an "item." Seeking to put an end to this scurrilous rumor-mongering, the Faerie of the Fine Print and the Ear No One Reads invited readers to submit lyrics to "The Ballad of Jeanie and Kevin." Fifty-five persons responded. The winner was David Smith of Greenbelt, who performed his entry, with instrumentation, and submitted it on tape. David wins the two-foot-high first-prize trophy from the 1980 Washington, D.C., "Tough Gal" competition, whatever the heck that was. His ballad appears below, and a sound bite of his performance is available today on Post Haste. Dial 202-334-9000. The code is 8161. The Ballad of Jeanie & Kevin By David Smith Love never came easy to Jeanie DeLisi, And Kevin was cuddly but shy. Still, her wit bright as sterling Had set his heart whirling When her name in the paper he spied. But Kevin & Jeanie were busy young people With busy young overfilled plates. And their schedules never allowed them the time To go out on an actual date. So he flatters his female by voice mail and e-mail. She downloads a diskful of love. It sure is a rare fax he faxes from Fairfax, All doodled with diamonds and doves. She answers by billboards, by telex and FedEx, By classified ads by the score. And so on it goes till the night he proposes By leaving a note on her door. I won't be forgetting their conference-call wedding With music by touch-tone to hear. And the Faerie's recital of Kahlil Gibran Brought a tear to the eye of the Ear. Their honeymoon trip was the feed from a camera Set up in a Fiji lagoon. And they still haven't met, but they hope to beget Their first child, in vitro, in June. So our fine Faerie Cupid was surely not stupid To try to set up a romance. I guess something solemn can start in a column, Not just at a honky-tonk dance. But still there's a question that needs some digestion Before our fine Faerie can boast: Were Jeanie and Kevin a match made in Heaven Or made in The Washington Post? We are moist with emotion. Now, to the constellations: Second Runner-Up: Old Constellation: Lyra ("The Lyre"). New Constellation: Lyra ("The Liar"). (Milt Eisner, McLean) First Runner-Up: Old Constellation: Libra. New Constellation: The constellation formerly known as Libra (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the Winner of the Uncle Sam hat: Old Constellation: Camelopardus ("The Giraffe"). New Constellation: Necrocamelopardus ("The Dead Giraffe"). (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Old: Columba. New: Columbia, Md. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) Old: Hercules. New: Combo Meal. (Mike Collins, Dale City) Old: Virgo ("The Virgin"). New: Beepus ("The Road Runner"). (Alex de los Reyes, St. Bernadette School, Silver Spring) Old: Draco ("The Dragon"). New: Graco ("The Stroller"). (Steve Offutt, Arlington) Old: Orion ("The Hunter"). New: Simon ("The Senator"). (Don Maclean, Burke) And Last: Old: Leo ("The Lion") New: Mongoose ("The Style Invitational Prize"). (John Kammer, Herndon; also Mark Lesko, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 111, published April 30, 1995 Week 111: Ask Backward V Regis Philbin and T.S. Eliot Art Fleming but Not Alex Trebek Pharmacists on Roller Skates Pulp Friction Celebrating the Splendors of Paraguay Heather Has Two Mommies and a Duck Tippecanoe and Gephart Too The Hero, Robert McNamara 1) Connie Chung, and 2) Io, the Second Moon of Jupiter Nancy Sinatra on Toast The Bridges of East Brunswick, N.J. Joseph Romm's Underpants This week's contest was occasioned by the passing of Art Fleming, the original host of "Jeopardy!" back during the Johnson administration. Pretend old Art is still with us, in your living room on one of those black-and-white TVs that were as large as Dumpsters but had screens the size of a piece of "spoon-size" Shredded Wheat. Anyway, here are the answers. What are the questions? Do one or more. First-prize winner gets a genuine antique wooden 1964 Bedroom Mood Meter. You hung this item on your bedroom door and, by manipulating plastic arrows, informed your spouse of your degree of personal horniness. This tasteful item of Americana was purchased for $11 but is obviously worth much more. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 111, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 8. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. We need new bumper sticker slogans on account of people are sick to death of the two we have. Any ideas? Best two will win drinking ducks and plastic snot. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 108, in which we asked you to come up with bad first drafts of famous lines in history, literature or entertainment. We hate to be gratuitously nice, but your answers were spectacularly good. Clapclapclapclapclapclap. Seventh Runner-Up: "Once upon a time there were four little rabbits, and their names were Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail and Adolf." -- Beatrix Potter (Jamal Jafari, Gaithersburg)Sixth Runner Up: "I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. And believe me, senator, you're no friend of mine." -- Lloyd Bentsen (Paul Moran, Falls Church) Fifth Runner-Up: (The sheet music from Beethoven's 5th, with the final note being a sharp) Ludwig Van Beethoven (Jay Snyder, Chantilly) Fourth Runner-Up: "A rose is a rose, of course, of course." -- Gertrude Stein (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Third Runner-Up: "And God saw that it was scrumdiddlyumptious." Genesis 1:10 (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Second Runner-Up: "The Giants win the NLCS! The Giants win the NLCS!" -- Russ Hodges (Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) First Runner-Up: "You know how to whistle, don't you? Juthst thtick two fingerth in your mouf like thith and blow." -- Lauren Bacall (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) And the winner of the World War II Plumber poster: "We hold these truths to be, like, Duuuh. . . ." -- Thomas Jefferson (Joseph Romm, Washington)(Note: Mr. Romm has now won first prize for two consecutive weeks, the first time anyone has done this, according to the Official Style Invitational Historian, Elden Carnahan of Laurel. If Mr. Romm wins next week, we shall be forced to publish photographs of him in his underpants.) Honorable Mentions: "The sled I had when I was a kid." -- Charles Foster Kane (Joseph Romm, Washington) "I want to hold your second mortgage." -- Lennon/McCartney (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) "Where have you gone, Joe Garagiola?" -- Simon and Garfunkel (Joe Anderson, Alexandria) "Four more years! Or less if events force an early resignation!" -- 1972 Nixon supporters (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "Johnny's Heeeeeeeeeeere." -- Ed McMahon (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) "Good night." -- Gracie Allen (Toby Bushkin, Arlington) "How do I love thee? Let me get back to thee on that ..." -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning (George Friedman, Towson) TRUMAN DEFEATS DEWEY -- The Chicago Tribune (Gary Dawson, Arlington) "I have nothing to offer but blood, sweat and phlegm." -- Churchill (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Je suis un Berlinois" -- John F. Kennedy (Michael Connaghan, Silver Spring) (Hamlet, in Russian) -- But at the last minute, Will Shakespeare decides to write Hamlet in English. (Gil Renberg, Arlington) "Twas brillig, and the slithy toves/ Did gyre and gimble in the vabe ..." -- Lewis Carroll. (Toby Bushkin, Arlington) (eye symbol) Love N.Y. (Bruce Brothers, Alexandria) "There is a hemorrhoid growing on the presidency." -- John Dean (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Brevity is without doubt considered by many to be the soul of that attribute commonly considered 'wit.'" -- William Shakespeare (Elliot Greene, Silver Spring) "Watson, help! I spilled something on my crotch!" -- Alexander Graham Bell (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) "Bark!" -- Sandy (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "I float like a butterfly and sting like a really, really angry butterfly ..." -- Muhammad Ali (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "Get a grip, Virginia." -- The New York Sun (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) "Who's on first?" "Gehrig" "Oh." -- Abbott and Costello. (Jamal Jafari, Gaithersburg; also, Eric Ehrenberg, Washington) "Get the Cheez Whiz." -- Marlon Brando, in "Last Tango in Paris" (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) "This nation should commit itself to achieving the goal of sending a man -- 'Bang! Zoom!' right to the moon." -- John F. Kennedy (Mike Collins, Dale City) "This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a kind of low whining sound." -- T.S. Eliot. (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Hey, Judge Ito, you mook, whatsamatta fo' you?" -- Sen. Al D'Amato. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) "And that's the way it is. You got a problem with that, buttface?" -- Walter Cronkite (David M. King, Washington) "This is your brain. And this is your brain in a frying pan..." (K. C. Bahry, Gaithersburg) "'Tis a far, far, far, far, far, FAR better thing I do than I have ever done ..." -- Charles Dickens (Paul Moran, Falls Church) "E equals mc with a little 2 up in the air next to the c." -- Einstein (Bob Schlosser, Herndon) "I am SHOCKED! Shocked to find that some credit cards charge interest from the day of purchase!" -- Capt. Renault (Albert Diaz, Rockville) (signed) John Q. Hancock -- (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Next Week: Send Us Your Mail Parts ====================================================================== WEEK 112, published May 7, 1995 Week 112: Poop Fiction From a Science Fiction Potboiler: "The surface of the planet was forbidding, with the general color and texture of sour cream that had been kept well beyond its optimum 'sell-by' date ..." This Week's Contest is to come up with the opening lines of a book so bad it will compel you to stop reading immediately. Maximum 50 words. Be sure to indicate the genre of the book (gothic romance, celebrity biography, etc). The contest was proposed by Jessica Steinhice of Washington, who we are pretty sure stole it from an old New York Magazine Competition, though we are not prepared to make that allegation officially at this time. Jessica wins a pirate flag. It must be noted that Jessica has now "hit for the cycle;" that is, she has 1) won a contest outright, 2) been a runner-up, 3) received an honorable mention and 4) proposed a contest idea that has been accepted. The only Style Invitational milestone she has yet to achieve is to be mentioned by name in someone else's winning entry. More on this as it develops. First-prize winner receives a festive baseball cap with long stringy gray hair attached, making the wearer look like an extremely colorful person with dubious personal hygiene. It is worth $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 112, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Still accepting entries for new slogans for the Style Invitational bumper sticker. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 109, in which we asked you for funny examples of fractured English. But first, a confession. We failed to indicate whether we wanted made-up examples of unfortunate foreign-sounding efforts at English (which we did, but which proved hugely difficult to execute cleverly) or real examples of bad English you have seen in your travels (which we didn't, but which proved much funnier than anything you could make up). So those real ones are the winners, despite some worthy fictional efforts by Elden Carnahan of Laurel ("Our staff goes out with trash every night!"), John Kammer of Herndon ("Fine to not flush after using toilet"), Robin D. Grove of Washington ("Do not consume if your date has expired"), Jerry Pannullo of Chevy Chase ("Dogs must walk on tightropes") and Karyn LaCroix of Wheaton: ("Bus driver will not stop unless buzzed"). All the rest of the items below are real, or purportedly real. Most were accompanied by photographs or photocopies, or were otherwise verified. Third Runner-Up, on a menu in Ljubljana, Slovenia: "Beef broth with home-made insertion ... 30c" "Serbian spit ... 65c"(Don J. Donchi, Potomac) Second Runner-Up, under Fish and Seafood selections on a menu of the Bae Lu Restaurant in Liaoning Province, People's Republic of China: "Juicy Yellow River Crap" (A.J. Richardson, Waynesboro, Va.) First Runner-Up: A sign on a cable car in Fengdu, China: "For your safety the following people don't take the cable car please: "1. Drunkard. "2. Neuropath, idiot and easily dizzy people. "3. Very old and deformed man whose action is unconvenient." (Marian Sullivan, Silver Spring) And the Winner of the book on bodily fluids: In a letter I received from Russia after visiting my pen pals: "Going home, we were speaking of you and thinking of warm meet." (Cissie Owen, Leesburg) Honorable Mentions: From a doorway in Seoul: "NOTICE: No more whore house! In the future we try to be laundry house. Thank you." (Allan Galfund, Chevy Chase) From a sign in the garden of a Thai temple at Chang Mai: "Handsome is as handsome dogs" (Jimmie Market, Warrenton) From a brochure for a small Russian airline: "Any failure to keep an order and infringement of on-board regulations may cause unpredictable consequences. Crew's actions to suppress the possible incident will be urgent and drastic up to fulfillment of the expensive forced landing. Besides the juridical consequences, infringer will be obliged to pay an impressive fine to compensate the waste." (Rick and Nancy Grimes, Bowie) On a shopping bag from a curio shop in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico: "We have the best variety of curious form all over the contrary." (Michael Martin Mills, Philadelphia) From a Chinese restaurant in Florence: "Spring volls; Fried toast with springs; Za za soup with park filet; Fans soup with chicken; Za zai with bear cuva soup; Veal with green popers; Dessert vools." (Mikko Aurela, Arlington) From a menu at a Chinese restaurant in Italy: "Chopped Suzy." (Maria Wainer Yaffe, Silver Spring, who notes: "We assume they meant Chop Suey, but ordered another dish, anyway.") Outside a Freiburg, Germany, bakery: "Get your buns in here." (Kevin Wolf, Arlington) And Last: From the YMCA in Huntington, W.Va., circa 1980: "Please do not leave stools in showers." (Bob Sprague, Alexandria) Next Week: Do Not Inhale This Page ====================================================================== WEEK 113, published May 14, 1995 Week 113: What Kind of Foal Am I? Breed Score Quick to Proud of It and name the foal Wilt the Stilt Breed GH's Pleasure to Rice and name the foal Monkey Business Breed Shimmering Prince to Hyroglyphic and name the foal Shimmering (prince symbol) This week's contest was proposed by Michael J. Hammer of Washington. Michael wins a poster of famous outhouses. He suggests that we take a list of horses nominated to the Triple Crown races this year (the list is printed below), choose any two, and propose a name for their offspring. (Ignore the actual gender of the horses, since most are male. Following official racing rules, you cannot exceed 18 letters and spaces, total, for a horse's name.) This is an old game among horse breeders: According to Michael, one guy bred a stallion named Banquet Table to a mare named Cold as a Witch, and named the foal "Titular Feast." First-prize winner gets a genuine official wooden egg from the 1995 White House Easter Egg Roll, purchased for $20. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 113, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads is reliably informed that New York radio personality Don Imus last week referred to The Style Invitational and its readers as "lame," and flatly prohibited any participant in this contest from ever appearing on his show. Normally we would ignore such a trivial matter; Don Imus flatly refusing to let Style Invitational readers on his show is kind of like a bowl of poop flatly refusing to be served at Lutece, but it occurred to us that possibly our lame-o readers might wish to respond more directly to Mr. Imus. As a sign of respect, come up with the nicest thing one can truthfully say about Don 'Imus in the Morning' Imus. Not that we really care whether you enter, but the best entry gets five Style Invitational loser's t-shirts. Five. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning labels for common products. We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy: On a cardboard windshield sun shade -- Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up. Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington) Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata: On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg) On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim Gaffney, Manassas) On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith Daniel, Washington) On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon) On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg) On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of $ 4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield) On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown) On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) On Odor Eaters:_ Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. ) On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington) On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon) On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney) On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman, Charlottesville) On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. (Joseph Romm, Washington). A Wicked Brew; Absolute Appeal; Adams Trail; Afternoon Deelites; Ago; Ali Baba; American Day; Amos; Another Great One; Arctic Explosion; Baby Crypto; Bay City; Beepbeep Zip Bang; Berry Honest; Bet Your Bucks; Bick; Blackballed; Blizzard; Brinks Job; Broadway Bullet; Bungee Jumper; Bushwacker; Cabaret Dude; Cairo Express; Call Chris; Cape Doctor; Car Dealer; Cast Fast; Cherokee Saga; Chimes Dancer; Cinch; Cliff's Hope; Cobra Gold; Colonial Secretary; Composer; Copy Editor; Count Time; Criminal Bundle; Crimson; Cryptic Bid; Cure The Jinx; Danny's Crown; Dazzling Falls; De Niro; Definite Article; Delta Dash; Devil's Brew; Devious Course; Disapproved; Dixie Dynasty; Dodge City; Don'tmesswithtex; Double Up; Easily Moved; Elusive Groom; Evanston; Everlasting Hope; Forested; Fort Wayne; French Deputy; Fritz; G H's Pleasure; Gadzook; Gaily Gold; Ghostly Moves; Go Gary Go; Gold Facts; Gold Miner; Gold Trail; Golden Legend; Grecian God; Handsome Devil; Hare Raising; He's Got Gall; Hidden Source; High Stakes Player; Houston Connection; Houston Sunrise; Hunt For Missouri; Hunting Hard; Hyroglyphic; Imus; I'm Lucky; In Character; Indian Wedding; Investor; Iron Willed; Jambalaya Jazz; Jealous Crusader; Journey Together; Joy Drive; Judgement Day; Jump The Shadow; Kan't Stop Kris; Key Guy; King Heir; King James; Larry The Legend; Last Effort; Law Of The Sea; Lawyer Referral; Legal Eagle; Letthebigcajundoit; Lonely Capote; Make Your Choice; McReality; Michael's Star; Momentous Code; Motivated Genius; Mountain of Laws; Mr. Purple; My Friend Max; Mystical Canyon; Native Tribe; Northern Creek; Nostra; Nuclear Treaty; Off 'n' Away; Oliver Twist; On Target; Once A Sailor; One Mean Man; Onto Luck; Other Intentions; Our Gatsby; Patrick; Paying Dues; Peaks and Valleys; Perfect; Perk Up; Pickles Gap; Picnicker; Playing For Time; Private Rite; Proud Of It; Quiet Deception; Raising Havoc; Ransom's Wind; Real Silk; Remember The Roar; Rice; Rich Man's Gold; River Wanderer; Rush Dancer; Saltminer; Satin Devil; Score Quick; Sea Emperor; Sea ttle Spell; Secret Harbor; Serena's Song; Shah Boom; Shimmering Prince; Sittin Cool; Ski Captain; Snow Kidd'n; Special Guy; Squadron Leader; Star Standard; Stardust Miner; Statesman; Strong Ally; Storm Ashore; Strawberry Wine; Suave Prospect; Supreme Survivor; Surpass; Swiss Asset; Talkin Man; Tejano Run; The Exeter Man; The Horseman; Thunder Gulch; Timber Country; Timeless Honor; Top Account; Trailblazer; Tyson's Revenge; Undeniable; Uptown Bear; Urbane; Valid Advantage; Valid Wager; Visiting Lord; Volatility; Western Echo; Westminster; Wild Escapade; Wild Gump; Wild Syn; World Cup; You're The One. ====================================================================== WEEK 114, published May 21, 1995 Week 114: The Joke's On You Only if Hitler goes first. That's why it's called an ear. "Nah, that was just a New York City cop." No, you idiot. I said a large rabbit. I'm sorry, you must have mistaken me for Don Imus. She can't hear you. She's a Democrat. This Week's contest was suggested by Scott McKenzie of Manassas. Scott wins "O.J.'s Legal Pad," a spectacularly irreverent publication purporting to be the defendant's courtroom doodles. Scott suggests that you come up with jokes to culminate in any of the six punchlines above. First-prize winner gets our second genuine wooden egg from the 1995 White House Easter Egg Roll, purchased for $20. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 114, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the 'subject' field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads hereby solicits ideas for The Ear No One Reads, such as today's, written by Jacob Weinstein of McLean. Winning entrants receive their choice of 1) official mention in this column or, 2) dysentery. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 111, in which you were asked to supply a question to any of 12 "Jeopardy!" answers we gave. We thought our answers were so weird we would have to scramble for winners. We were wrong. Great, funny responses. Best question that proved too popular to reward with a prize: Answer: Connie Chung and Io, Jupiter's Third Moon. Question: What are two things that occupy space near a gigantic, ancient bag of gas? Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Connie Chung and Io, Jupiter's Third Moon. Question: What two things have less gravity than their partners? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Connie Chung and Io, Jupiter's Third Moon. Question: Whose monthly cycles does nobody really give a damn about? (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Regis Philbin and T.S. Eliot. Question: Who wrote "Murder -- murder, I tell ya, she's killin' me up here! -- in the Cathedral"? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) First Runner-Up -- Answer: Heather Has Two Mommies and a Duck. Question: What code-word euphemisms did Ms. Locklear's agent use in persuading network execs to hire her? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the winner of the bedroom mood meter: Answer: The Hero, Robert McNamara. Question: If a big sandwich and Robert McNamara fell overboard, in which order should they be saved? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Nancy Sinatra on Toast. What is diner lingo for aged ham clinging to a Frank with a warm bun? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) What was Sam Giancana's threat to Frank Sinatra? (T.N.K. Coughlin, Sterling) What always lands Nancy Sinatra side down, unless it is strapped to the back of a cat? (Jim Pond, Silver Spring) How do Italian delis refer to a hot pastrami sandwich with nothing on it? (Joseph Romm, Washington) What is one lecture more boring than Euell Gibbons on Grape Nuts? (Rick von Behren, Washington) The Hero, Robert McNamara. Name two things the media have been having for lunch lately. (Marty Madden, Prince Frederick) What movie could make "Last Action Hero" look like a blockbuster? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) What two things are full of baloney? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) How would one formally introduce a Vietnam vet to the former secretary of defense? (Allen R. Breon, Columbia) What sandwich leaves a bad taste in your mouth 20 years later? (Suzanne Barone, Bethesda) Joseph Romm's Underpants. What was the worst-selling superhero underwear? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being Sharon Stone's drawers, what item slides in at No. 1? (Mike Thring, Leesburg) What's the only thing that didn't have O.J.'s blood on it? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Art Fleming but Not Alex Trebek. What is an anagram for "Fat Gremlin"? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Tippecanoe and Gephardt Too. What is diner lingo for an item that has sold out? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Heather Has Two Mommies and a Duck. Why did the court award the custody of Heather to a duck? (Jeanne and Bruce Barker, Amissville, Va.) Celebrating the Splendors of Paraguay. What slang expression is the Colombian drug cartel's equivalent of "sleeping with the fishes"? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Connie Chung, and Io, Jupiter's Third Moon. Can you name a satellite, and a dish? (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) What are the two coldest objects in the solar system? (Nick D'Amico, Alexandria; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Who are the Rev. Sun Myung Moon's biological parents? (Greg Arnold, Herndon) What two things will never be real stars due to their lack of the right substance? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Who is the last person you would want to be left on Earth with, and how far would you go to get away? (Tchaka Owen, Arlington) What are two cold bodies, one of which was discovered by Galileo? (David Morgan, Bethesda) What are two things brighter than Maury Povich? (Brad Blaine Jr., Washington) Pharmacists on Roller Skates. Who was arrested when the FBI busted the latest international drug rink? (Lawrence S. Robins, Washington; William Dunne, Rockville) What do they call drug dealers in Malibu? (Joseph Romm, Washington) What are the trainers of China's Olympic athletes called? (Philip Evans, Annapolis) Regis Philbin and T.S. Eliot. Who are the prototype and the author of "The Hollow Men"? (Gary Temple, Bethesda; Joseph Romm, Washington) Who are the last two people Kathie Lee Gifford would sleep with, including corpses? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Can you say "Regis Philbin and T.S. Eliot?" (John Kammer, Herndon) Pulp Friction. What happens when we are talking apples and oranges? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Poop Fiction ====================================================================== WEEK 115, published May 28, 1995 Week 115: The Mnemonic Plague Old mnemonic device to remember the colors of the spectrum: "Roy G. Biv." New mnemonic device to remember the colors of the spectrum: "Repent, Orenthal! Your Glamorous Beloved Is Vivisected." This week's contest was suggested by Greg Arnold of Herndon, who wins a picture of a contented, unexploited wild elephant in her extremely natural habitat, pooping. Greg suggests you come up with new mnemonic devices to remember complicated lists. The names of the Supreme Court justices. Planets in the solar system. Countries of Central America. Whatever needs remembering. You don't have to refer to an old mnemonic device; there need not even be one. First-prize winner gets the fabulous spigot illusion, an imitation brass faucet suspended over a glass and seemingly held aloft only by its own stream of liquid, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 115, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads is still seeking nominations for The Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 112, in which we asked you to come up with the first lines of a book so bad you will put it right down. But first, a hearty Style Invitational thank-you to those many, many alert readers who pointed out primly that this idea, SUBMITTED BY JESSICA STEINHICE OF WASHINGTON, was ACTUALLY stolen from the annual Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. They were shocked to discover we had ripped off an idea, as though this entire contest were not itself a shameless rip-off of the New York Magazine Competition, which was no doubt a rip-off of something else. The marketplace of ideas in America is a giant Thieves' BAZAAR peopled by pickpockets, safecrackers and second-story men. Being shocked by this would be like being shocked that, in the movie, Superman isn't really flying, an analogy we stole from a 1985 article by Dave Barry. Thank you. Several people submitted astoundingly stultifying beginnings from real books. Our favorite was this, submitted by Bob Lieblich of Arlington. It is the opening line of "Thanatopsis," by William Cullen Bryant: "To him who in the love of nature holds/ Communion with her visible forms she speaks/ A various language." Second Runner-Up (from a book about humor): Any attempt to ANALYZE humor is to take a pickax to it. It is like making dead what is alive. It is wringing the neck of a swan. Nevertheless. . . (Roger Gilkeson, Washington) First Runner-Up (from a medieval epic verse): The Wurtling Fezagiol gamboled upon the plee/ With zingled hube;/ And the Zeebloard did pfout/ Amid winnick and ploray/ Whilst I skrote the Turling-Toed Keef/ And the Cloven Drep turned a-queeving./ The Dizzled Yingbore did give way/ To blorthing and glimpering./ After that, things started to get confusing. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) And the winner of the dorky baseball cap with long gray hair: From a children's coloring book: - Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions From a novel written without the letter e: "Oh! Oh!" moans Morris, as his blood runs out of him. "You took all my blood out of my body." "And your plasma, to boot," growls a nasty man with an awl and a pump. As Morris croaks, a big pool of blood drains away into a pail.(Sarah Worcester, Bowie) From a novel written entirely in the letter e: E eeeee eeee ee eeee E eee eeeeee eee. Ee eeeeeee eee, eeeee, ee. Eeeee, ee! Eeee ... (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) From a book on writing: Many people don't write good. Are you 1 of them! (John Kammer, Herndon) From a hard-boiled detective novel: It was the sort of Monday that made you want to bite open the veins in your wrists. Geoff was broke. Broker than a cheap Taiwan knockoff copy of a Timex after it's fallen into a bowl of spinach borscht. And his wife, Jacki, was mad, madder than a hatter in October with a leftover carload of bunny-shaped Easter bonnets. The phone rang loud, louder than an ugly hooker's hot pants . . . (Helene Haduch, Washington; Russ Beland, Springfield) From a trendy environmentalist book: Prepare to be shocked, for between these pages will be revealed the terrible dangers of third-hand smoke. . . (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) From a home projects book: The projects in this book are fun and easy, and all you will need are a triple-speed planer, a variable-height grounded peg holer, a narrow-beam eyelet laser, an infinite-pitch diamond-edge buzz saw . . . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) From a celebrity memoir: You probably have been wondering what we replacement players have been doing with ourselves since the strike. . . (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) From "Chuck Smith, Government Position Classification Specialist" The duties in the draft position description fit no common classification standard. Worse, they appeared to be of mixed grades and probably mixed series. Chuck scanned the SF-52 (Request for Personnel Action) one more time and then looked again at the PD (short for position description.) Chuck had had the personnel action for over a month, but dammit, he had to be sure! A GS-14 could affect the agency's grade average. He ran his hand through his short, graying hair and then decided to go to lunch. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: Hit for the cycle. That's my goal. I'd been runner-up, honorable mention, contest suggester, outright winner. I needed a mention in someone else's entry. Anybody's. Carnahan. Smith. Krattenmaker, Beland, Witte, Worcester. Even Pannullo. I prayed: "Mention me and spell my name correctly, or it won't count." From "Me" by Jessica Heinstice. (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) Next Week: What Kind of Fool Am I? ====================================================================== WEEK 116, published June 4, 1995 Week 116: Write Pure Poetry This Week's Contest is a totally idiotic idea that we began to love the more we noodled with it. It was proposed by Michael Freedman-Schnapp of Reston, who wins a much hipper name. Michael, from now on you are "Nick Rudd, of Prague." Also, you get an antique Heathcliff the Cat lunchbox. Nick proposes that you write a complete sentence using only the letters contained on the top letter row of a typewriter: Q, W,E, R, T, Y, U, I, O, P. (Alternatively, you can use the letters of the first four lines of the standard eye chart: E, F, P, T, O, Z, L, D. Use one list or the other for each entry, but not both combined.) First-prize winner gets a spectacular costume of a 9-foot-tall huge-breasted, hippo-hipped woman with billowing skirts recently worn by actress Fabienne Schlund in Le Neon Theatre's French-language performance of Rabelais's "Gargantua." It can only be worn while standing on a ladder. We bought it for $10, but it is worth at least twice that. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 116, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads is still seeking entries for The Ear No One Reads, such as today's, written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 113, in which we asked you to mate any two of 200 Triple Crown contenders and name the foal. A gigantic response: 18,000 entries from 1,550 people. Neither number, we are delighted to report, is a record. Mary Lee Fox Roe of Mount Kisco, N.Y., alone submitted 502 entries, which, we are truly saddened to report, is also not a record. You folks need to obtain lives. * Eighth Runner-Up: Quiet Deception x You're the One = Nixon's the One(Russell Beland, Springfield) * Seventh Runner-Up: Copy Editor x Bungee Jumper = Danglin' Participle (Mary W. Matthews, Germantown) * Sixth Runner-Up: Evanston x Fort Wayne = Sucky Travel Agent (Peter Johnson, Alexandria) * Fifth Runner-Up: De Niro x Wild Gump = Duh Niro (Kitty Thuermer, Washington) * Fourth Runner-Up: Mystical Canyon x Uptown Bear = Yogi Bear (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) * Third Runner-Up: Nostra x Picnicker = Nosepicker (Mike Thring, Leesburg) * Second Runner-Up: Easily Moved x King James = Royal Flush (Harold Mantle, Darnestown) * First Runner-Up: King James x Hare Raising = Bible Thumper (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) * And the winner of the White House wooden easter egg: Dazzling Falls x Gaily Gold = Louganis (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: Native Tribe x Lawyer Referral = Sioux 'Em All (Paul Kondis, Alexandria; Dave Yanchulis, Washington) French Deputy x Rich Man's Gold = Pamela Harriman (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Law of the Sea x Nostra = Sleeps With Fishes (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Beepbeep Zip Bang x Dodge City = Drive-By Shooting (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Lonely Capote x Grecian God = Happy Capote (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Score Quick x Beepbeep Zip Bang = I'm Sooo Sorry (Buddy Baker, Silver Spring) Satin Devil x Judgement Day = Damned Foal (C. Ramuglia, Lorton) Copy Editor x Judgement Day = Judgment Day (David Buchholz, Silver Spring) Ghostly Moves x Strawberry Wine = Casper Weinberger (Richard Rosen, Silver Spring; Phil Forjan, Burke) Ali Baba x Shah Boom = Baba Boom! (Joyce Small, Herndon) Jealous Crusader x Hare Raising = Crusader Rabbit (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Once a Sailor x Quiet Deception = Don't Ask Don't Tell (Mark Ross, Alexandria) Picnicker x Copy Editor = Nitpicker (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Nostra x Gold Miner = Booger (Agata Newlacil, Derwood) Cliff's Hope x Valid Advantage = Cliff's Notes (Tara Strawderman, Ms. Rosenberg's 11th-grade English class, Stonewall Jackson High School, Mount Jackson, Va.) A Wicked Brew x Definite Article = The Wicked Brew (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) Copy Editor x Private Rite = [A Sexual Act] (Melanie Zyck, Charlottesville) A Wicked Brew x Easily Moved = Barium Enema (Michael Dunlap, Winchester, Va.) Rush Dancer x Crimson = Right on Red (Mike Rayburn, Herndon) Seattle Spell x Kant Stop Kris = Kant Spell a Lyck (Richard M. Biederman, Potomac; Thomas Bascom, Laurel) Go Gary Go x Investor = Gary "U.S." Bonds (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Dontmesswithtex x Letthebigcajundoit = Space Bar (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Tyson's Revenge x King Heir = Don King's Hair (Mark Ross, Alexandria) Blizzard x Lonely Capote = Dairy Queen (Jacki and Geoff Drucker, Arlington) Lonely Capote x Quiet Deception = Tru Lies (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Tyson's Revenge x Wild Gump = Boxer Chocolates (David Harrison, Fredericksburg) Uptown Bear x Western Echo = Bears Repeating (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) And Last: Timeless Honor x Last Effort = And Last (Joseph Romm, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 117, published June 11, 1995 Week 117: GIVE 'EM HELOISE Dear Heloise: We have found a use for those plastic lampshade covers that come with a new lamp. We use them as coverups when we trim our 7- and 9-year-olds' hair. They pop over their heads with one elasticized end above the collar and the other pulled over their shoulders! -- Karen Wranik, Buckland, Ohio This Week's Contest, involving a homemaker theme, was proposed independently by Kitty Thuermer of Washington and Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who are both women but what's the big deal who's going to make something of it certainly not us. Kitty and Jean, who win tins of chewing tobacco, suggest coming up with a tribute to Heloise, that queen of inanely creative recycling. The item above is taken from a recent Heloise column. Can you do better? Write a letter to Heloise proposing some use for ordinary items that would otherwise be thrown away. First-prize winner gets a men's and women's pair of boingy shoes -- antique mini pogo sticks that strap onto your shoes and let you sproing around wildly until you get sick or possibly even die. They are worth $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 117, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the 'subject' field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads continues to solicit ideas for the Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 114, which really bit the weenie. This was the week where we asked you to come up with jokes to terminate in any one of the six punch lines we provided. You set modern Style Invitational records for fewest entries (182) and for fewest really good entries (0). Compared with the Himalayan heights of humor ordinarily achieved by this contest, your entries filled a porta-potty in a bathysphere at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. Now we don't want the two published winners to feel slighted by this underwhelming report; there is some limited dignity in being the best of the worst. Sort of like being, um, Howard Stern. Mercifully, this brings us to a digression. Some of you may recall that several weeks ago, New York talk radio personality Don Imus declared The Style Invitational and its readers "lame," flatly prohibiting anyone who participates in this contest from appearing on his show. In the spirit of goodwill, we asked you to enumerate the nicest things that can truthfully be said about Don Imus. (For coming up with this contest idea, Don wins "The Portable Scatalog," a completely humorless book chronicling pooping and peeing rituals from around the world, with a foreword by Sigmund Freud, originally published in 1891, and personally inscribed to Imus by the Czar. Since Imus is now an official participant in the Style Invitational, he can no longer appear on his own show.) Without further ado, the 10 nicest things that can be truthfully said about Don "Imus in the Morning" Imus: 10. So far as we know, he doesn't spread Ebola. (Scott Vanatter, Fairfax) 9. He is probably preferable to a colostomy bag. (Jim Brockton, Fairfax) 8. He gave Engelbert Humperdinck's hairdresser a job. (Rick Hartman, Funkstown, Md.) 7. Howard Stern [click]. (Paul Styrene, Olney) 6. The shortness of his name prevents precious ink and newsprint from being wasted.(J. Ponessa, Washington) 5. He hasn't yet broadcast the recipe for fertilizer bombs. (Scott Vanatter, Fairfax) 4. Three out of four dentists pipe "Imus in the Morning" into their reception area to make their patients look forward to drilling. (Joseph Romm, Washington) 3. He can make the lame talk. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) 2. Once, he was somebody's beautiful bouncing baby jerk. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) -- And the winner of the five losers' T-shirts: 1. He is the 38th most famous Don, right after Trump, Rickles, Knotts, Johnson, Juan, that other Juan from the weird books, Ameche, DeFore, Everly, Corleone, Ho, Osmond, McLean, that guy from New Kids on the Block, Sutherland, Pardo, Adams, O'Connor, Quixote, King, Shula, Maynard, Cornelius, Meredith, Hot Lips' husband, Kirshner, that river in Russia, Pleasance, Mattingly, Geronimo, Giovanni, Meek, Regan, Rumsfeld, Hollinger, The Snake Prudhomme, and Duck. (Russell Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) Okay, we can't delay any longer. Here are the results of Week 114. -- First Runner-Up: Punch line: "That's why they call it an ear." There once was a farmer named Lear Who loved sex if others could hear. When the fields got corny He would get horny, Saying, 'That's why they call it an ear.' (Joseph Romm, Washington) -- And the winner of the White House wooden Easter egg: Punch line: "Only if Hitler goes first." Reporter to Marcia Clark: "I understand the defense is considering putting O.J. on the witness stand. Do you think his testimony will be considered believable by the jury? Marcia Clark: "Only if Hitler goes first." (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Next Week: The Mnemonic Plague ====================================================================== WEEK 118, published June 18, 1995 WEEK 118: WEAK 118 FDR In Bed With Coed The above headline, one of the greatest sentences ever to appear in print, ran in The Washington Post one day in 1935. The story was about the president feeling a bit under the weather; "coed" was supposed to be "cold." This got us thinking how spectacularly cool typographical errors can be. This week's contest is to take any photo caption or headline appearing anywhere in today's Post (including advertisements) and alter its meaning by adding, deleting or changing one letter and one letter only, or by adding or deleting a space. First-prize winner gets two wine-barrel-around-the-torso costumes, made of burlap, suitable for wearing while otherwise naked. This would be a fabulous Halloween costume except burlap is nearly transparent when backlit. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Weak 118, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads is still seeking nominations for the Ear No One Reads, such as today's by Sarah Worcester of Bowie. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 115, in which we asked you to come up with mnemonic devices to remember lists of things. Judging this contest was awful because it brought back the dreariest moments from high school, when you had to learn by rote dozens of pointless lists that some humorless, calcified academic decided to spice up by creating a mnemonic device more convoluted than the original list. Who doesn't remember "sohcahtoa" from trigonometry? "St. Dapiacle" from civics? "On Old Olympus' Towering Tops . . . " from advanced clinical neurology? Anyway . . . Third Runner-Up -- Remembering the Windsor monarchs (George V, Edward VIII, George VI, Elizabeth II): Goofy Ears Guiding England. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Second Runner-Up -- Remembering the seven deadly sins (lust, envy, covetousness, anger, gluttony, pride, sloth): List Enumerates Character Attributes Guaranteeing Political Success.(Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner-Up: Remembering all the major cities in West Virginia (Charleston): Chiggers. (Kelly McDonough, Waldorf) And the winner of the pouring faucet illusion: To remember the names of the presidents, in order, memorize the following series; the first letter of each name is the first letter of the name of the appropriate president: Wilson, Arthur, Johnson, McKinley, Madison, Arthur, Jefferson, Van Buchanan, Harding, Taylor, Pierce, Tyler, Ford, Polk, Bush, Lee, Jackson, Garfield, Harrison, Grant, Adams, Clinton, Hayes, Clinton, Monroe, Reagan, Truman, Washington, Hoover, Carter, Harding, Reagan, Taft, Einstein, 'Kinley, Jackson, Nanahcub, Fillmore, Coolidge, Roosevelt, Buchanan, and Cleveland. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) Honorable Mentions: The six wives of Henry VIII (Aragon, Boleyn, Seymour, Cleves, Howard, Parr): Annulment Beats Severing Chicks' Heads (Plop). (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Maryland counties (Talbot, Charles, Harford, Garrett, Carroll, Anne Arundel, Dorchester, Somerset, Baltimore, Montgomery, Cecil, Worcester, Kent, Queen Anne's, Wicomico, Prince George's, Allegany, Howard, Calvert, Caroline, Frederick, Washington, St. Mary's): The Chesapeake Has Great Crabs And Delicious Seafood But Maryland's Citizens Won't Keep Quiet When Pollution And Huge Crowds Come From Washington's Suburbs. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) The current Supreme Court, in order of appointment (Rehnquist, Stevens, O'Connor, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas, Ginsburg, Breyer): Rare Spurts Of Sanity Keep Sustaining This Great Body. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) The seven deadly sins: Please Call Everyone -- Let's All Get Started! (Debbie Ruffing, Bowie) Liz Taylor's husbands (Todd, Fortensky, Hilton, Burton, Warner, Fisher, Wilding): That Fat Hollywood Babe With Frequent Weddings. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "The Partridge Family" children (Chris, Keith, Danny, Laurie, Tracy): California Kids Desperately Lacking Talent. (Kelly McDonough, Waldorf) Santa's reindeer (Cupid, Comet, Donner, Dasher, Blitzen, Vixen, Prancer, Dancer): Cherished Christmas Deer Disappeared Because Venison Prices Doubled. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Attorneys general under Nixon (Mitchell, Kleindienst, Richardson, Saxbe): My Kingdom Rots Swiftly. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) The Great Lakes (Michigan, Ontario, Superior, Erie, Huron): Masses Of Sewage Empty Here. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The only continent with four countries that extend above the Arctic Circle, and the capitals of those countries (Europe, Oslo, Stockholm, Helsinki and Moscow): Erie, Ontario, Superior, Huron, Michigan. (Sarah Galbraith, Washington) The spelling of "arithmetic." Old mnemonic device: A Rat In The House May Eat The Ice Cream. New mnemonic device: A Rat In The House May Eat The Iced Cappucino. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Seven deadly sins: Presbyterians Gasp At Sight of Crowds Enjoying Life. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Actors who played James Bond (Lazenby, Connery, Dalton, Moore): Loved Connery, Detested Moore. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The order of animal classification (kingdom, phylum, subphylum, class, order, family, genus, species, subspecies): Kissing Pigs Sometimes Can Offer Fun, Good Safe Sex (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Daytime talk show hosts (Geraldo, Montel, Ricki, Jenny, Leeza, Sally, Oprah, Gordon, Jerry, Phil, Maury, Rolonda): Give Me Really Juicy, Lurid Stories Of Gender-Jumping Prostitutes Marrying Relatives. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) A trick to remember which side of the Metro escalator is for walking and which is for standing: "Walk" and "left" each have four letters, "stand" and "right" each have five. Or, JUST DO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING, YOU IDIOTS! (Russell Beland, Springfield) And Last: How to remember the page number of the Style Invitational each week: Flatulence -- The Winning Offering. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Write Pure Poetry ====================================================================== WEEK 119, published June 25, 1995 Week 119: Musak to our Ear While on hold at The National Zoo: "Born to be Wild" While on hold at a bungee-jumping concession: "Hit The Road, Jack." While on hold at a lawyer's office: "Oh, bill, I love you so, I always will." While on hold at Michael Jackson's Neverland Productions: "Baby I'm-a Want You" While on hold at the office of Rep. Sonny Bono: "Fool On The Hill." This week's contest was suggested by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a tub of bovine udder ointment. Elden suggests that you come up with unfortunate Muzak songs to hear on the phone while on hold. You can use either a song title or a lyric. First prize winner gets a complete, 11-volume hardcover set of the complete works of Kahlil Gibran, a value of $50, as deep and ruminant as the camel's breath nurturing a willow sprig beneath a talcum moon. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 118, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads is still soliciting nominations for The Ear No One Reads, such as today's, written by Lori C. Fraind of Reston. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 116, in which we asked you to compose a sentence using only the letters of the top row of the typewriter (QWERTYUIOP) or the top four rows of an eye chart (EFPTOZLD), plus punctuation as needed. Two observations: We chose the top typewriter row because we thought no other row was feasible, but Jim Ward of McLean humbled us by using the home row to produce this unforgettable line: "As a gag, Kafka had alfalfa salad." Also, we need to issue a warning to those of delicate sensibilities. It turns out that the top row of the typewriter is the repository of many, many words relating to bodily functions. If you are a mature human being this column may not be your particular cup of pee. We tried to cut down on toilet jokes, but many were so funny they could not be, um, eliminated. Fifth Runner-Up: You wore trout tie, you tour Europe, you quote poetry -- you yuppie! (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Fourth Runner-Up: Peter, Peter power pooper/ You require Roto-Rooter. (Ted Spencer, Washington) Third Runner-Up: We put our query to Perot: Were you piper, puppeteer or power tripper? (Harry Richardson, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: You retire, I retire too; quit pro quo. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: you were two, i your pop. i your potty wiper, your power pureer, your worrier; you wry pouter, eye ptooey-er, pretty tot; i utter to you, "i owe you."(Aaron Goldschmidt, Fairfax) And the Winner of the costume of a huge-breasted, hippo-hipped woman: Poe + rye + terror + woe = eerie poetry. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Dole Doodle: Topple effete fool! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Poor? -- we were too poor to poop or pee! (Brent Weaver, District Heights) WHAT IS SO HARD? -- (Paul Styrene, Olney; Russell Beland, Springfield; Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) To Do: Feed toffee to pet; doodle dot-to-dot; peddle dope, pot; loll. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Woe to Ito -- retry! (Andrea Bakewell Lowery, Washington) Poor Pee-wee, you tried to pull out your wee-wee purely to pet, yet our reporter wrote you up. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Pretty "Eye to Eye" reporter was put out. (Ariele Revots, Bethesda) I opt to quit your top-row torture ere I puque. (David Swerdloff, Washington) PROPER POTTY ETIQUETTE: We trot to our itty tot potty; we prop our pretty potty top up; we pry out our wee peter, we pee; tut tut, too wet; tip your potty up; pour out; oy, wipe up wee wee; quiet, tiptoe out. (Edith Lund, Alexandria) Yo, Ito, we wipe up Type O! (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) RO--RIO, -EEP T-E -O-EY; I -O-E YOU, -UT I -O-E -O-EY -ORE -- ---RI-- --E- (By Aldrich Ames, via Kitty Thuermer, Washington) e.p.t. told Zoe: Tot! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) uI wow pIp qwoq uoquoq (Greg Arnold, Herndon ) I poop, pyoo; Pope poop, pew. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) Left-footed people feel left-toed too. (David Smith, Greenbelt) Wet putty + torque = pottery. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Were we too pretty, or were we too pure; our wit our tutor, or our piety truer? ( David Smith, Greenbelt) This one hurts us: We pour out our typewriter wit, yet you rip it up, rewrite it, report "potty" tripe or trot out your petty "peter" repertoire. (Harry Richardson, Laurel) But this one scares us: I opt to retire; I rue potty wit. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Give 'em Heloise ====================================================================== WEEK 120, published July 2, 1995 Week 120: Simile Outrageous When I think about all that suffering in Bosnia I feel real bad, like when you tie your necktie wrong and the bottom part comes out longer than the top and you have to do it all over again. Her face was as beautiful as one of them sunsets when there's a lot of soot and gunk in the air. He was about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food cake." That is a fabulous analogy from "Farewell, My Lovely," by Raymond Chandler, who was describing a huge man in an ostentatious suit. Raymond Chandler was the world's greatest writer of analogies. Your goal is to be the worst: Come up with inept analogies, rotten comparisons as a literary device. First-prize winner gets a framed antique "Scarlet Fever" quarantine sign from the 1930s, a value of $90. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 120, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print and the Ear No One Reads is still soliciting entries for the Ear No One Reads, such as today's, by Russell Beland of Springfield. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 117, when you were asked to come up with letters to Heloise. We got about 1,500 responses, including more than a dozen from people who did not quite understand this is a humor contest. This happens from time to time. Did you folks know, for example, that you can save plastic milk jugs and use them for Kool Aid and stuff? * Fifth Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: Don't you hate it when you've just washed the floor, the phone rings, and you have to walk across your newly cleaned linoleum? I've solved that perennial problem by always carrying two old toilet plungers with me as I wash the floor, and when the phone rings I just push the plungers onto the ceiling, hang on and trapeze my way across without ever touching the floor! It's a snap! (Robin D. Grove, Washington) * Fourth Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: After you get tired of your old diamond necklace, simply put it at the bottom of the pot the next time you plant flowers, and it will provide wonderful drainage. -- Liz Taylor, Beverly Hills, Calif. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) * Third Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: At night, the placement of common cotton balls in your orifices prevents bugs from entering your body and drinking your digestive juices. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * Second Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: Here in West Virginia, we've discovered a new use for sheep. If you cut off their fur, you can make things out of it, like clothes and stuff! -- Luther Bopeep, Wheeling, W.Va. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * First Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: Quick! I need to learn how to shrink a pair of leather gloves. -- "O.S., Los Angeles" (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) And the winner of the two pairs of boingy shoes: * Dear Heloise: I recently discovered my husband keeps a discarded pair of panties in his glove compartment to muffle the rattle of his tools. Isn't that clever? -- Wanda Peebles, Topeka, Kan. (Gene Van Pelt, Verona, Va., and Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) *Honorable Mentions: I recently went to Alaska to visit a friend of mine. He was having trouble with some baby seals in his back yard, destroying his shrubs. So we came up with this solution: Club the seals to death, fillet them, and grill them on the barbecue. -- Rush Limbaugh, New York. (Andy Buonviri, Hollywood, Md.) There always seem to be extra anchovy strips left over after making Caesar salad. I save them for a real campfire treat: Surprise S'mores! (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) My husband and I just finished wallpapering our den and thought you would like to know how easy it was! Every time we bought a new roll of Scotch tape, we took off the little plaid starter tab and glued it to the den wall! So easy, so inexpensive, and it only took us 42 years to complete! (Ann M. Burton, North Bethesda) Aluminum foil and a sawed-off plastic milk carton make an excellent helmet to repel evil thoughts. But don't forget to put some foil in your underpants. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I have a new use for old egg cartons. I put them in my husband's workshop and arrange all his screws and nails. -- Nancy Woofus, Littleville, R.I. I have a new use for screw and nail packaging. Put them in the fridge to prevent eggs from rolling around. -- Roger Woofus, Littleville, R.I. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Save those old space shuttle booster tanks. They make great woodpecker habitats. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Ed O'Reilly, Alexandria) When crumpled up and placed around your bed at night, newspapers give you an early warning about the Tooth Fairy coming to pull out all your teeth or of any cats intent on sucking your breath away as you sleep. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I've just about got the particle accelerator finished, but can't figure out how to crosswire the transducer. Any tips? -- Ken in Landover Hills Dear Ken: Try this -- Pick up a used van der Graf generator at a yard sale, remove the Tesla coil (once you're done, a Tesla coil makes a great Bundt pan!) and connect to the transducer, positive to positive.(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) dear heloise when youre writing a poem dont worry about punctuation or capitalization you can always take care of that later ee cummings (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Old cast-iron radiators make wonderful aquarium "castles," provided you have at least a 1,500-gallon tank. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I came up with a great use for my old beanbag chair. It's perfect for holding my javelin collection. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) To save money on a carrot scraper, use your teeth. (Barbara Bryce, Adelphi) To remove those stubborn ground-in stains from your children's clothes, pack the dirty clothes in the kids' suitcase when they go to visit Grandma. The clothes will come back looking as good as new, and may, in fact, actually be new. (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Don't throw out that Pla-Doh that's been mixed into a gray blob the kids no longer play with. Simply add some frozen corn and it magically turns into fake vomit! Kids love it! (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Place an old mattress on the bottom of the stairs, then just jump down instead of walking. Saves time, eliminates wear and tear on the treads and gives a vigorous aerobics workout to boot! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) When at a restaurant, to avoid getting spaghetti on a new shirt, don't order it. (Barbara Bryce, Adelphi) Tired of your origami swans or other animals? Unfold them and use as napkins! (Doris Nachman, Springfield) I save all my used scouring pads and use them to knit bulletproof vests for the kids to wear to school. (R.A. Heindl, Euclid, Ohio) I've found a great way to hide income from the IRS where they'll never even think to look. I've personally stashed away millions of dollars completely tax-free! Ooops. Gotta go now. I'm on the air. -- Don Imus, New York (John Kammer, Herndon) I just figured out a great way to use my old Style Invitational bumper stickers and seem smarter at the same time. I just slap them onto a white T-shirt, and people think they are the real McCoy! (Chris Stelzig, Annapolis) And Last: Do you find that you have more than enough bumper stickers but are constantly running short of depilatory? (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Next Week: Weak 118 ====================================================================== WEEK 121, published July 9, 1995 Week 121: It's No Use A time-release placebo. Tomato-on-a-Stick A textbook teaching illiterates how to read. This Week's Contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington, who wins a copy of "Flattened Fauna," an apparently serious sportsman's guide to recognizing old road kill by shape. Joseph suggests that you come up with useless products. First-prize winner gets a set of Russian nesting dolls featuring Yeltsin, Gorby, Brezhnev, Khrushchev, Stalin, Lenin and Nicky II, a value of $60. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 121, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads, the only person on Earth whose given name features an ampersand, thanks John Kammer of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 118, in which you were asked to create funny typographical errors by altering one letter in any headline or photo caption from that day's Post. The instructions weren't clear on whether transposing adjacent letters constituted only one alteration. We say yes. If any of you feel cheated by this ruling, please walk the streets wearing a dead mackerel or flounder on your shirt or blouse. Our special Injustice-Spotting Teams will identify you and award you prizes. Several funny entries were either too popular to single out, or too risque. In the first category was "Astros Greet Pulsipher Rudely in De But." In the second category was an entry by several people who suggested a strategic one-letter deletion in the headline: "Make a Splash Without Losing Your Shirt." * Third Runner-Up: It Has a Million $Location, Mouse-size Apartments, Resort Amenities and the Best Price in Town(Laura Wilson, Herndon) * Second Runner-Up: You, Too, Can Own a Maryland Pol (Joe Harder, Charlottesville; Michael R. Newberg, Bel Air) * First Runner-Up: What's a Cookout Without Heiny Beans? (Bonnie Speary, Rockville)u * And the winner of the wine barrel costumes: Bulge Boy shorts (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) * Honorable Mentions FREE LOVEMEAT (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Carreers in Education (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Buchanan Bit Winner in Va. Poll (Richard E. Brock, Adelphi) John Denver Sautes Conservationists (Michael R. Newberg, Bel Air) The Man Who Sold the Sucrets (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Vienna) The Rise and Fall of Homey Rule in Washington (Robert P. Starling, McLean; Barbara Shannon Dykes, Mason Neck) Happy Fatherless Day; Are We Sending a Message That Pads Are Disposable? (John Kammer, Herndon) I Can't Believe It's Not Better (Jessica Steinhice, Washington; Nick Dierman, Potomac; Rose Chaney, Frederick) Administration Debates Pentagon Proposal to Resume Nuclear Jests (Gerald Epstein, Bethesda; Rick Tillman, Falls Church) Miss Manners Oh No! Not the Ladylike Kook! (Michele Petrillo, Gaithersburg;Paul Parsons, Silver Spring; Dennis McDermott, Alexandria) Ono, Not The Ladylike Look (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Troubled by Urinary Logs? (Michael R. Newberg, Bel Air) Buchanan Outs the Field in Va. Republican Straw Poll (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Snot Towels (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Happy Fatherless Day ; Are We Sending a Message That Nads Are Disposable? (Nick Dierman, Potomac) The King of Pop's Crown Looks Wobbly as He Releases His First Album in 4 Rears. (Donna DeSoto, Fairfax) Bowe Flattens Gonzalez in 2th. (Steve Hoglund, Washington) To Place Your Employment Ads, Contact: The Hiring Squid! (Connie Petty, Leondardtown) One Trip, Three Hits, No Errorz (Andrew Flannery, Washington; Jonathan Simon, Bethesda) My Johnson a Man on a Mission (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Chirac, New to G-7 Summitry, Proves Fop Attention-Getter (John Kammer, Herndon) FU2 (Gary Patishnook, Laurel) Yeltsin Eructs Into Anger at Chechens (Rick Tillman, Falls Church) Three Washington Post Journalists Wins Two Pulitzer Prizes (Connie Petty, Leonardtown) Original headlines, in order of appearance: It Has a Million $Location, House-size Apartments, Resort Amenities and the Best Price in Town; You, Too, Can Own a Maryland Pool; What's a Cookout Without Heinz Beans?; Bugle Boy Shorts; Free Loveseat; Oh No! Not the Ladylike Look!; Careers in Education; Buchanan Big Winner in Va. Poll; John Denver Salutes Conservationists; The Man Who Sold the Secrets; The Rise and Fall of Home Rule in Washington; Are We Sending a Message That Dads Are Disposable?; I Can't Believe It's Not Butter; Administration Debates Penagon Proposal to Resume Nuclear Tests; Troubled by Urinary Loss?; M. Johnson a Man on a Mission; Buchanan Routs the Field in Va. Republican Straw Poll; Scot Towels; His First Album in 4 Years; Bowe Flattens Gonzalez in 6th; The Hiring Squad; Chirac, New to G-7 Summitry, Proves Top Attention-Getter; I'm Not Going to Pinch Myself; Erupts Into Anger; Win Two Pulitzer Prizes. Next Week: Muzak to Our Ear ====================================================================== WEEK 122, published July 16, 1995 Week 122: The Unkindest Cute of All This week's contest was suggested by Gary Patishnock of Laurel, who wins the following anagram of his name: "Crap-stink hoagy." Gary suggests that we try to help out old Charles Schulz, a once-brilliant, cutting-edge cartoonist whose X-Acto knife appears to have dulled just a bit over the years. Personally, we trace the decline of "Peanuts" to the introduction of Woodstock, the witless bird who talks in apostrophes. Whatever happened to Linus, the philosopher? To Pig Pen, the disagreeable little dirtball? What's up with this dog who talks to cactuses? Why has nothing funny happened since 1962? How can we help Charles Schulz reanimate "Peanuts"? Your challenge is to come up with a new story line for the strip, some plot development or new character that will put the strip back on the road to relevance. You don't have to draw it. Just describe it. We'll handle the art. First-prize winner gets his or her idea illustrated by Bob Staake. We would promise you the "original" illustration, but there is no such thing as an "original" Staake illustration. Staake faxes us his cartoons. We have never actually met him. We are not even certain for sure that he exists. "Bob Staake" could be a boiler room operation employing 200 illegal alien artists from Honduras and Benin, for all we know. So what you will get is a fax of your idea illustrated by someone, or some enterprise, doing business as Bob Staake. We will frame it. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 122, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print "&" the Ear No One Reads thanks Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 119, in which we asked you for unfortunate Muzak tunes to hear while on hold. Several excellent entries proved too popular for prizes: "It's My Party (and I'll Cry if I Want To)" while on hold for the Democratic National Committee; "I Feel the Earth Move" while on hold for the L.A. Chamber of Commerce; and "You're Having My Baby" while on hold at the office of Cecil Jacobson, MD. Fourth Runner-Up -- While on hold at John Bobbitt's house: "It Won't Be Long" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up -- While on hold at the D.C. Tourist Center: "We Gotta Get Out of This Place" (John Davey, Oakton) Second Runner-Up -- While on hold at the Psychic Friends Network: "Que Sera Sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see. . ." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up -- While on hold at Intel: "25 or 6 to 4" (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) And the Winner of the 11-volume set of the complete works of Kahlil Gibran: While on hold at Hugh Grant's house: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter" (Howard Tenenbaum, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: At a Chinese restaurant: "Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?" (Paul Styrene, Olney) Elizabeth Arden headquarters: "Maybelline" (Susan Wilkerson, Arlington; Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Hugh Grant: "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Pepto-Bismol headquarters: "Born to Run" (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring; Tina Ament, Washington)... Bob Packwood's office: "Octopus's Garden" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) While on hold to order flowers for your dear aunt's funeral: "Red Roses for a Blue Lady" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Hugh Grant: "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills; Marcia Doran, Laurel) Kato Kaelin's house: "They're gonna put me in the movies / They're gonna make a big star outta me / The biggest fool to ever hit the big time/ and all I gotta do is act naturally." (Jan Verrey, Alexandria) Colgate-Palmolive: "Ode to Joy" (Joseph Romm, Washington) Suicide Hotline: "Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares" (Greg Gust, Washington; Karen K. Kirschenbauer, Middleburg, Va.) The time recording: "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?" (Eric Barr, Front Royal) The proctologist: "Fixing a Hole" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) William Aramony: "If I Only Had a Brain" (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) Ron Goldman's House: "Torn Between Two Lovers" (Russell Beland, Springfield) Hyundai: "Everything Put Together Falls Apart" (Skip Flegnaut, Wheaton) A custom home builder: Schubert's Unfinished Symphony (Ted Hudson, Alexandria) A shelter for battered women: "Stand by Your Man" (Anne Levy, Annandale) The Unabomber's house: "Return to Sender" (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) LAPD: "The Beat Goes On" (Janice M. Hall, Alexandria) Hugh Grant: Anything by Cheap Trick (Timothy Morgen, Laurel) ACLU: "I Fought the Law and the Law Won" (James Foster, Silver Spring) UNLV: "We don't need no edjookayshun. . ." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) A proctologist: "Every Little Movement Has a Meaning All Its Own" (Sylvia Byrne, Arlington) A plastic surgeon: "Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing" (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Trojan Condoms: "Break On Through" (Andrew D. Culhane, Greenbelt) The Michigan Militia: "I've never been to Heaven, but I've been to Oklahoma. . . " (Sarah Bardos, Arlington) Phil Gramm's office: "Tangled Up in Blue" (Joe Harder, Charlottesville) VD treatment center: "Great Balls of Fire" (Clark & Kathryn Kidd, Sterling) Dan Quayle's home: "R-E-S-P-E-T-C" (Heather Jamieson, Silver Spring) Next Week: Simile Outrageous ====================================================================== WEEK 123, published July 23, 1995 WEEK 123: WHY IS poop FUNNY? 1. Why is the sky blue? 2. Now do airplanes fly? 3. Where does dust come from? 4. Where does the sun go when it sets? 5. Where Do Babies Come From??? This week's contest was proposed by Jean Sorensen of Herndon and her 8-year-old son, Bobby. Jean wins a brand new 1995 Toyota Tercel with sunroof and driver-side air bag, and Bobby wins a real live pony named Mike. Jean and Bobby suggested you come up with creative answers to any of the five numbered questions above that might be asked by a 5-year-old. As an example, they quote from a book of Calvin & Hobbes cartoons, by Bill Watterson: "Why is there wind?" Calvin asks. "Trees sneezing," his father answers. Hm. Now that we examine their letter carefully, it would appear that All of Jean and Bobby's examples come from Calvin & H0bbes cartoon books. So, this is not really their idea at all, but Bill Watterson's idea, and he doesn't need a car or a horse, being a famously reclusive megamillionaire. So, in faimess, we need to scale back the prizes a little. Jean wins "Moose Shish-ka-Poop," a plastic meat skewer with an elegant moose-doody motif at the top, and Bobby wins a can of soda made from grass, a fine product of the People's Republic of China. First-prize winner of Week 123 gets a matching pair of lamps made from genuine used AMF-approved tournament bowling pins, a value of, we don't know, how does $50 sound? Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T· shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 123, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202· 334-4312, or submit them via the Intemet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 31. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editor reserve the right to alter entries for tastte, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads would like to observe that we have begun getting tormented letters from people who don't know what The Ear No One Reads is and want to find out. We feel their pain. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 120, in which we asked you to come up with bad analogies. The results were great, thugh we feel compelled to point out that there is a ffine line between an analogy that is so bad it is good and an analogy that is so good it is bad. See what we mean: Fourth Runner-Up: Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances. (Jennifer Frank, Washington, and Jimmy Pontzer, Sterling) Third Runner-Up: The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Second Runner-Up: I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) First Runner-Up: She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign: His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond) Honorable Mentions: After 15 years of marriage, sex had become an experience devoid of genuine excitement and emotion, like when you're stuck in traffic trying to get downtown on the Fourth of July and have to listen to the announcer describe the fireworks on the radio. (Joseph Romm, Washington) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) She was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic third-base coach. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) She was clever all right, like a woman who is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as having the world's highest IQ and whose last name just happens to be "Savant." Yeah, maybe too clever by half. (Joseph Romm, Washington) He was developing a reputation in the world of lint-collecting, which was kind of like being the most famous man in Woodbridge. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen since the debut of Goober on "Mayberry R.F.D." (John Kammer, Herndon) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy!" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid 55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quid \aaakk/ch@ung by mistake. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Upon completing kindergarten, Lance felt the same sense of accomplishment the Unabomber feels every time he successfully blows up another college professor. (Anonymous, No City Please) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) He was the size and shape of a man much larger than him. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling) After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) Winning the Style Invitational is sort of like finding a flaming bag of dog poop on your porch. In fact, some weeks it's EXACTLY like that. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) That Chuck Smith! He slays me! He's a regular O.J. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And Last: Sometimes I get really annoyed when entries get published and they don't even follow the rules of the contest. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Next Week: It's No Use ====================================================================== WEEK 124, published July 30, 1995 WEEK 124: SPOON-FEED us. How is the Amway Corp. like the organism that causes trichinosis? One is a weird firm, the other is a feared worm. How is Loni Anderson's ex hubby, eating pastrami, like a wad of navel lint? One is Burt in a deli, the other is dirt in a belly. How is a Tennessee Warbler like a shy Style Invitational contestant? One is a Nashville bird, the other is a bashful nerd. This Week's Contest was independently suggested by Thomas Edward Knibb of Walkersville, Md. who wins a human molar, and by Lori Millen of Washington, WllO wins an alligator foot. Both prizes were donated to the Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a pair of Central African condoms donated to the Style Invitational by Kitty Thuermer of Washington, who wins a pair of disposable underpants personally autographed by Joseph Romm of Washington, who wins a toilet bowl night light donated to The Style Invitational by Dave Barry of Miami. Anyway, Thomas and Lori suggest that you come up with spoonerisms: expressions based on the transposition of the initial sounds of two paired words. Spoonerisms were named after English educator W.A. Spooner, who used to make these unintentional slips every thou and nen. Please frame the entries as questions and answers, like the ones above. Spare us all the jokes about track teams and sneaky pygmies, okay? We've heard them all. First-prize winner gets "The Mona Usa," a framed original piece of artwork by some earnest if talentless admirer of Leonardo da Vinci. We bought it for $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly soughttafter Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 124, TheWashingtOfl Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads thanks Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads, which is in its usual location. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 121, in which you were asked to come up with useless products. • Fourth Runner-Up: Cream of Mushroom Slurpee (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) • Third Runner-Up: Seeing-eye giraffes (Blair Thurman, Reston) • Second Runner-Up: The Popeil™ Pocket Wasp & Hornet Teaser (Ken Rochester, Centreville) • First Runner-Up: Garfield™ condolence cards (Paul A. Sane, Silver Spring) • And the winner of the nesting Russian dolls: New, lemon yellow Ty-D-Bol™ (Russell Beland, Springfield) • Honorable Mentions: Lobster Helper (Buddy Baker, Silver Spring; Nancy Jones, Germantown) "Welcome Home Kamikaze" banners (Joe Shepherd, Gaithersburg) Purina™ Roach Chow (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Joseph Romm, Washington) Miss Manners' Guide to Prison Etiquette (Ellen Dean, Frederick) Mobius toilet paper (Buddy Baker, Silver Spring) Frog arms platter (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Birthday candle snuffers (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Nuclear hand grenades (David T. Harrison, Fredericksburg) Snooze bar on a fire alaml (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Sweet and Sour Maalox (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Wild rat feeder (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Hamburger Helper Helper (Joe Shepherd, Gaithersburg) Car alarms for Yugos (Russell Beland, Springfield) Refrigerator tacks (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Inflatable dartboard (Gene Van Pelt, Verona) Chutney-flavored condoms (Kitty Thuermer, Washington) Tuna-safe dolphin, packed in oil (Mary E. Reese, Alexandria) A light on the outside of the refrigerator to indicate when the light inside the refrigerator is off (Ed Steam, Upper Marlboro) Scrabble, special dyslexics' edition (Linda K. Mlacoml, Silver Spring) Intermittent headlights (Mark Lesko, Grafton) Nymphomaniac Repellent (Twink Ruffing, Bowie) Vibrating bedpan (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Roach Motel art (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) The Jarvik-7 artificial appendix (Jeremy Hancock and Justin Sondak, Arlington) Bird laxatives (Cissie Owen, Leesburg) Female pope fashions (Carole Dix, Gaithersburg) Silicone thigh implants (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase, and Russ Beland, Springfield) Salted bandages (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Non-alcoholic vodka (Paul Styrene, Olney; Joseph Romm, Washington) Kosher communion wafers (Joe Shepherd, Gaithersburg) Ankle watch (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) A transparent colostomy bag (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Can-opener-in-a-can (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Corn niblet holders (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 125, published August 6, 1995 Week 125 : Ask Backward VI Tinker to Evers to Packwood One. Definitely Only One. The world is my dumpster. Mickey Mantle's liver Three men and a crayfish Apollo 178 Grant's Pants Colon Powell Very, very fat mice [the symbol for Prince, divided by pi] [Dolly from "Family Circus"] The sweet smell of defeat Here's a hint: It's yellow. Fred and Ethel Van Beethoven Sally Struthers and Homer, the blind poet Because it wouldn't work the other way This Week's Contest: You are on Jeopardy! These are your answers. What are the questions? First-prize winner gets an autographed copy of "Dave Barry Slept Here," his handsome, hardcover volume on American history, entirely in Japanese. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 125, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Ken Krattenmaker of Landover Hills for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 122, in which you were asked to come up with a new plot development for "Peanuts." But first, a brief logistical note. In the last three years, The Style Invitational has become something of a Washington institution, in the sense that St. Elizabeth's is something of a Washington institution. We have been getting increasingly disturbing mail from persons who are Fine Just Fine Just a Little Bit Upset Is All; they are alarmed at the prospect of the Invitational going on August sabbatical as we did last year. Relax. The Czar has enlisted the services of a trusted toady. She will run the next few contests with the same finely honed sense of humor that has made this contest into a cherished part of the lives of thousands of individuals with borderline personality disorders. And last, thanks to Harry J. Hewson of Dale City, who points out that "Bob Staake" is an anagram for "A B.O. Basket." Second Runner-Up: "MY EYES!!!" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: Opus: "Seems like everyone in this strip is on vacation... ...I'm subbing for Snoopy, Daisy Mae's in for Lucy..." Calvin: "Here's your dinner, herring breath!!" Opus: "...Calvin for Charlie Brown..." Calvin: "?!&#! kite!" Calvin: "I didn't ask to be here! Look at this ridiculous T-shirt! Why do I have to wear it?" Calvin: "I had big plans for this summer. Hobbes and I were going to do Othello in Boston. My name up in lights this big!!" Daisy Mae: "Snoopy, have ya'll seen mah brother Linus?" Opu: "N ma'am, Miz Lucy, I haven't." Opus: "I don't know about you, but frankly I've been waiting for this for years."(Story and artwork David Harr, Clifton and Ewa Skoczylas, Centreville) And the Winner of this framed, signed Bob Staake fax art: Charlie Brown: "Look! We've finally gotten teeth!" Lucy: "Cartoon character usually don't have them." Charlie Brown: "I wonder if they're real?" Lucy: "This will really weird people out!" Linus: "Maybe I can have fun like Calvin." Snoopy: "Is it ... safe?" (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Honorable mentions: Snoopy dies after heroically saving little April Patterson from drowning. (David Avagliano Treber, Silver Spring) The "Peanuts" strip is the subject of a boycott by PETA when they determine that Snoopy's doghouse does not afford him adequate sleeping space and ventilation. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Spike, the desert-dwelling dog, discovers peyote. (Glenn Conlon, Jennifer Garrison and Henry Kivett, Burlington N.C.) Snoopy the Vulture eats some rotted meat and dies. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Charlie Brown appears in a charity baseball game featuring Cal Ripken Jr. and beans him, ending the streak. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) After years of pining for her with unrequited love, Charlie Brown finally gets a letter from the cute redheaded girl. It is a restraining order. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Lucy: "Not only are we being forced to go to camp again, but the driver seems to be in a big hurry." Charlie Brown: "It just seems that way. You always go faster when you're going somewhere you don't want to go." Linus: "Actually, I heard the bus driver say there's a bomb on the bus and he has to stay above 50." Snoopy: JOE TERRORIST (Jon Frandsen, Takoma Park) CAPTION: THE PROCTOLOGIST IS IN (Bill Moulden, Frederick) Next Week: Why is Poop Funny? ====================================================================== WEEK 126, published August 13, 1995 WEEK 126: EVERYBODY'S TALKIN' This week's contest: What are these people, etc., saying? Choose one or more photos and fill in the balloons with tasteful, appropriate and humorous words. Please write your entries on a separate sheet of paper. First-prize winner gets a real print of the Nixon-Elvis Commemorative Photo, a value of $20 Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 126, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate "Week 126" in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Joseph Romm of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 123, "Why Is Poop Funny?," in which you were asked to come up with answers to certain questions that might be asked by a 5-year-old. It seems that many, many of you have been consulting the Old Chestnut Science Guide (rev. ed.), since approximately 1,729 of the literally 1,778 entries reported that (a) the sky is blue because it reflects off the oceans; (b) that airplanes are propelled by birds in/under/above the wings or by gas created by airline food/Congress; and (c) that babies come from "ask your mother." Some people felt compelled to compose ponderous, Michener-size tracts, evidently figuring that the left side of Page F2 would miraculously balloon to the dimensions of a billboard to accommodate their half-page exegeses on God and His Blue Crayon. Many of you so wittily integrated all five questions. Very nice. Doesn't fit. Sorry. And for the life of us, we have no idea why people sent in entry after entry about toilets and the various substances deposited therein. Did they think that jokes about excreta would win some kind of prize? This is The Washington Post! Ohhh, the Czar. Ah. Well, you needn't be concerned with that nasty little man. He is, er, away. * Fourth runner-up: Where do babies come from? From grandparents. They say a special chant over and over, and when they've said it enough times, a baby comes. What's the chant? Well, it's secret, but parts of it go like this: "Why don't you make me a grandparent? All my friends have grandchildren. That cat is not my grandchild." (Katherine Wertheim, Washington) * Third runner-up: How do airplanes fly? That's a good question. USAir wants you to give them a call when you find out. (Scott Greenberg, Washington) * Second runner-up: Where do babies come from? Well, son, do you remember in "9 Weeks" when Mickey Rourke has Kim Basinger up against that wall? ... (Dave George, Reston) * First runner-up: Where does dust come from? Didn't you hear the minister, dear? When he said, "Ashes to ashes and dust to dust," he meant that dust comes from dead bodies, like Grandma's. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) * And the winner of the pair of lamps made out of used bowling pins: Where do babies come from? Me. (Cecil Jacobson, MD, via Jill Gross, Reston) Honorable Mentions: Why is the sky blue? Because nothing rhymes with purple. (Bill Glassbrook, Gaithersburg) You'd be blue, too, if you had a big planet stuck in the middle of you. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Because God decided against the more expensive mauve-chartreuse checkerboard motif. (Edward F. Mickolus, Dunn Loring) Because they didn't have a color you liked. (Michael Temple, Washington) Hey, what do I look like, freakin' Mr. Wizard? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) How do airplanes fly? When you do good things, magic pixie dust keeps the planes in the air. But every time you do something bad -- like disturb me while I'm watching the game -- a plane crashes and hundreds of people die.(Ben Lee, Chantilly) The airlines smushed up Tinker Bell and put a little of her in every plane. (Elly Kugler, Silver Spring) They don't really fly. The windows are movie screens that show scenery while workers are outside building a replica of your destination. (Douglas Bailey, Baldwinsville, N.Y.) At the Unabomber's discretion. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) They use "aerodynamic power." That's Greek for "enormous rubber bands." (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) Where does dust come from? It's little bits of people's brains that come out when they sneeze. It never goes away. Parts of Julius Caesar's brain might be in your house. I wouldn't touch it if I were you. (Ellen Lamb, Washington) Dust bunny poop. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C., and Linda K. Bakley, Falls Church) Cremated fairies. (Janice, Melanie and Jil Evans, White Plains, Md.) In the middle of the night, hundreds of tarantulas come out of the oven and crawl around the house, giving each other haircuts. (Donald Brasek, McLean) Why don't you look under your bed and ask it personally? (Renee D'Amico, Pasadena) Where does the sun go when it sets? Back in its hole, silly. (Mike Paulson, Falls Church) The sun is God's eye, and it shuts whenever it sees you doing something bad because it's so sad and ashamed for you. Now ask me where rain comes from. (Elly Kugler, Silver Spring) It circles the Earth, just like the stars. Now get to bed, little Copernicus. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) To the recently renamed Hugh Grant Boulevard. (Scott Greenberg, Washington) Behind Timmy's house, because it likes him better. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The sun never sets. (Elizabeth II, London, via Joseph Romm, Washington) Where do babies come from? From inside Michelin tires. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Go ask your sister, she's a baby. (Joseph M. Schech, Silver Spring) You know when you put a plug in a socket? It's nothing like that. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Gold diggers who lie about birth control. (Jack Kent Cooke, Middleburg, via Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Wyoming. That's why nobody lives there. (John Russell Tuohy, age 9, Arlington) Babes. (Bevra Krattenmaker, Williamsburg, Va.; Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) And why is poop funny? Because all palindromes are funny, except radar and did. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Ask Backward VI ====================================================================== WEEK 127, published August 20, 1995 Week 127: GADGET IF YOU CAN This week's contest: Choose one or more of the above devices, drawn from the mind of Mr. Bob Staake himself, and describe their use. First-prize winner gets a 1972-vintage clock suspended in a monstrous brown and yellow macrame frame. Value? Um, let's say invaluable. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 126, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate "Week 127" in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Steven Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 124, in which we asked you to come up with Spoonerisms: transpositions of the beginnings of paired words.(Belated thanks to Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax for suggesting this contest months ago. Kevin wins a pair of slippers that look like salmon, since he just had knee surgery and could really use, for once, a salmon.) Most of the 1,000-plus entries actually fit the Spooneristic form, though there was the occasional pairing of, say, "Hillary Rodham Clinton" with "Killer hot rod, Rin-Tin-Tin," or even "the coveted losers' T-shirt and mildly sought-after bumper stickers" with "the curt staff taught me to avidly shove sick abuser lumps." (Out of compassion -- remember, this contest is now nestled in the nurturing arms of a woman -- we refrain from mentioning that both of those entries were from Phil Plait of Silver Spring.) Lots of people sent in utter obscenities, figuring it'd be okay as long as they left out the half of the joke that RHYMED with "truck" or "wit" or "cities." Ha ha ha, you smart feller, you. And literally dozens of constestants plagiarized from the Rosetta Stone Dirty Joke Obelisk and sent in the ones about the defiant rooster and the epileptic oystermonger. Even that nasty little Czar, who is currently confined to quarters (the rest of his pay has been docked), wouldn't have stomached that. Fourth runner-up: How is career advice for Tommy Chong like the job description for an actress on "Baywatch"? One is "Best to star with Cheech"; the other is "Chest to star with beach." (Joel Tompkins, Laurel) Third runner-up: How is the Supreme Court abortion case like what roaches say on TV? One is Roe-Wade; the other is "Whoa! Raid!" (Scott McKenzie, Manassas) Second runner-up: How is Roger Tory Peterson like the Rev. William Spooner? One is a bird watcher; the other is . . . a bird watcher. (Douglas J. Hoylman, Chevy Chase) First runner-up: How is Cole Porter like a reformed Bob Packwood in his reelection bid? One gets no kick from champagne; the other gets no chick from campaign. (J. vonBushberger, Davidsonville) And the winner of the original amateur copy of the "Mona Lisa": How is adoration of a pop group like a PBS documentary on an obscure European country? One is Beatlemania; the other is "Meet Albania!" (Steven Papier, Wheaton) Honorable Mentions: How is O.J. Simpson like the bloody glove? One is a prosecutor's perp; the other is a persecutor's prop. (Joseph Romm, Washington) How is the Capitol at night like President Clinton? One is visible in the city's lights; the other is visible in Liddy's sights. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) How is one Buddha figurine like another Buddha figurine? Each is a placid face above a flaccid place. (Matt Westbrook, Baltimore) How is a Washington Chinese restaurant like Rush Limbaugh? One is Mandarin Palace; the other is panderin' malice. (Alison Kamat, Washington) How is a Mellon-Rockefeller marriage like the result of skinny-dipping in a cold river? One is shrewd linkage; the other is lewd shrinkage. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) How is a champion golfer like a genetic engineer? One makes big-money putts; the other makes pig-bunny mutts. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) How is a conservative presidential candidate like a flying mammal that projectile-vomits? One is Pat Buchanan; the other is a bat puke cannon. (Joseph Romm, Washington) How is war like Newt Gingrich's sister? One is "c'est la guerre"; the other is "gay la soeur." (Steven Papier, Wheaton) How is Nancy Kerrigan like Miss Manners on a roller coaster? One says, "Why me?"; the other says, "My! Whee!" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) How is an old movie projector company like an awful name for a heavy-metal group? One is Bell & Howell; the other is Hell & Bowel (Scott L. Vanatter, Fairfax) How is President Clinton's media image unlike that of House Speaker Newt Gingrich? One is an easy waffler; the other is an awful weaseler. (William Bradford, Washington) How is a hit song like Jack the Ripper? One is a chart topper; the other is a tart chopper. (Steven Papier, Wheaton) How is rotten parsley like Radovan Karadzic at his family farm? One is a sick herb; the other is a hick Serb. (Katie McBride, Alexandria, with Seumas Gillecriosd, Loudoun County) How is a Texas football team like a group of insensitive Chinese monks? One is the Dallas Cowboys; the other are the Callous Tao Boys. (John Garner, Silver Spring) How is the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms like a sadistic Dale Evans? One's got a Good Ol' Boy Roundup; the other's got good ol' Roy bound up. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) How is an earnest amateur golfer like a blind asphalt layer? One is craving a par; the other is paving a car. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) How is the Moscow Circus like "Star Trek"? One has unconventional bears; the other has unbearable conventions. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) How is a double martini like a proctologist? One packs a wallop; the other whacks a polyp. (John Chickering, Rockville) How is an illegal batter's ploy like a would-be Supreme Court justice who has been eaten by a jaguar? One is cork in a bat; the other is Bork in a cat. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) How is Tiny Tim like Michael Jackson? One is an androgynous freak; . . . oh wait, so is the other one. (Michael Kane, Fort Collins, Colo.) How is a piece of lawn furniture like a talkative nanny? One is a patio chair; the other is a chatty au pair. (Helen and Miriam Dowtin, Suitland) How is Catherine Deneuve like the secret behind Newt Gingrich's helmet head? One is "Belle du Jour"; the other is Gel du Boor. (Willy Hawkins, Washington) How is a blind pop star like how a Londoner would tell someone to avoid a space alien who'd just zapped a woman with a ray gun? One is Stevie Wonder; the other is "Weave! 'E stunned her!" (Steven Offutt, Arlington) How is a Christmas photo at the mall like what your child is sure to do for the photographer? One is Nick pose; the other is pick nose. (Mike Connaghan, Silver Spring) How is celibacy like an afternoon fling between bank tellers? One is safe sex; the other is safe sex. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) How is a lab rat on the space shuttle like Billy Joel? One is mating weightlessly; the other is waiting matelessly. (Edward Palm, Baltimore) How is a henpecked husband like a West Virginian? One's mate says "do, do, do"; the other's date says "moo, moo, moo." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) How is an inconsequential radio personality like what his motto should be? One is Don Imus; the other is I'm Dumbest. (Scott L. Vanatter, Fairfax) ====================================================================== WEEK 128, published August 27, 1995 WEEK 128: LIKE, DUH To a cop: "Was I speeding?" No, I am going to give a ticket to everyone else on the road for driving too slow, and I was wondering if you'd be a witness against them. Are you asleep? Yes, I'm having a nightmare in which I'm bombarded with stupid questions. This week's contest: Come up with snappy answers to stupid questions -- the ones above or your own. Apologies to Mad magazine, which has been coming up with these comebacks for decades. "Hey, can we just use our favorite ones from Mad magazine?" [Snap.] First-prize winner gets a genuine mounted wild turkey head, neck and tail, suitable for wall hanging, a value of $35. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 126, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate "Week 128" in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Ken Krattenmaker of Landover Hills for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.u Honorable Mentions: REPORT FROM Week 125, "Ask Backward VI," in which we yet again asked for snappy questions to stupid answers, and received well over 2,000 entries, hundreds of them noting what Hugh Grant was wearing, and the noise he was making, that night in the BMW. Important notice: This competition -- which has been determined in a statistically rigorous survey to be the No. 1 Sunday reading material among men who leave for the office at 4:45 a.m. and who insist on giving the date as "02 November," even in conversation -- will no longer appall our readers with puerile cracks about urine or other intimate waste material. Our humor shall be droll -- not drool. Scatological humor is entirely unacceptable within these columns and will not be considered, let alone rewarded. - Fourth runner-up: Here's a hint: It's yellow. What is part of the last question on the West Virginia urologists' licensing exam? (Gene Van Pelt, Verona, Va.) - Third runner-up: Colon Powell: Who was No. 1 on Saddam Hussein's enemas list?(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) - Second runner-up: The world is my dumpster: What's the motto of the guy I saw jetting down I-66, tossing an empty cigarette pack from a car adorned with a bumper sticker that said "My kid beat up your honor student"? (Mike Thring, Leesburg) - First runner-up:What is a diagram of the former Prince's tragic pommel horse accident? (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) - And the winner of the book "Dave Barry Slept Here," printed in Japanese: Colon Powell: Who is America counting on to eliminate waste in government? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Tinker to Evers to Packwood: What famous double-play combination has no Chance at first base? (David Gionfriddo, Washington) One. Definitely Only One: What does Rain Man do at a urinal? (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) How many house calls does Dr. Jack Kevorkian make per patient? (Kathleen Brandli, Centreville) Mr. Quayle, how many E's are in "potato"? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) How many showers can the Wicked Witch of the West take? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) The world is my dumpster: What was Jimmy Hoffa's motto during the first two weeks of his retirement in 1975? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Mickey Mantle's liver: Next to "Reagan's memory" and "Superman on horseback," what is the worst category the Czar possibly could have come up with? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) [And apologies to all who were victims of the most unfortunate timing, not to mention taste.] Three men and a crayfish: In his budget for "Waterworld II," how many extras is Kevin Costner permitted to hire? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Apollo 178: What would precede "Redskins 0" in a report of the game between Washington and the Albany Apollo? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) What course did Dionysus fail in graduate school? (Robin D. Grove, Washington) What did the Italian waiter say when asked how many lire for the chicken dinner? (Tom LaManna, Herndon) Grant's pants: What are extra-large on Lou, sexy on Amy, blue on Ulysses and around the ankles of Hugh? (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) What brand of slacks was created to compete with Lee jeans? (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel; Gary D. Michaels, Potomac) Colon Powell: What do you get by sitting too long on your presidential ambitions? (Michael Singer, Silver Spring) Very, very fat mice: What did Capt. Scott O'Grady hope for after five or six days of insects? (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) What do you get when very, very, very fat mice are injected with the fat-burning drug? (Steven Liu, Rockville) What was Divine Brown's first mug shot? (Ben Lea, Lexington, N.C.) Here's a hint: It's yellow. How did James Earl Jones's agent tell him about the job that would revitalize his career? (Michael Temple, Washington) Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? (Sara and Judith Jenkins, Washington) Sally Struthers and Homer the Blind Poet. Who wrote the Silliad? (Michael Singer, Silver Spring) Who are Mike Tyson's next two opponents? (Ben Lea, Lexington, N.C.) Who are two people whose careers peaked in the 8th century B.C.? (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Because it wouldn't work the other way. Why should one put on a condom before having sex? (Harold Rennett, Rockville) Why did the Republicans take over Congress? (Jim Jacobs, Arlington) Next Week: Everybody's Talkin' ====================================================================== WEEK 129, published September 3, 1995 Week 129: Remake Us Happy Die Hard With a Vengeance: The sparks really fly as hundreds of defective car batteries explode on a team of crooked mechanics. Operation Dumbo Drop: In this inspiring tale, a young boy transforms the lives of Vietnamese farmers with his gift of an amazing fertilizer. Dial M for Murder: On the Kansas plains, a jealous husband hires an unlikely hit woman: Dorothy Gale's aunt. This week's contest, suggested by Jacki Drucker of Arlington, is to come up with alternative story lines to movie titles, new or old. For her efforts, Jacki gets a very large mug in the shape of Dick Tracy's, er, mug. First-prize winner gets a sweatshirt and actually very nice fanny pack, both featuring the "Rolonda" talk show logo. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 129, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate "Week 129" in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. (The Faerie notes sheepishly that we incorrectly advised entrants to last week's contest, "Like, Duh," to label their entries "Week 126" and announced that the deadline was, uh, the next day. Should have been "Week 128." And the actual deadline is Sept. 10, though we might let the entries trickle in a couple of days past that. Depends on the air pressure. Or at least the handwriting.) Report From Week 126, in which you were asked to fill in the word balloons for the pictures below. Thank ya very much, as half of you had Elvis saying. In Picture 3, not only did most people fail to recognize Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt, but an astonishing number referred to the brown bear below as a "polar bear." And some guy, a Mr. Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, Va., ventured that it was either a bear or a dog. Well, you are correct, Mr. Smith. It was. Third runner-up: Girl 1: The mother ship said we must fit in. Girl 2: Then I shall try again to ingest these chicken arms. Girl 3: Be serene. They shall be coming for us soon.(Annie Wauters, Washington) Second runner-up: Newt: And see the congressional water slide over there? That's where the Commerce Department used to be. Kid: Gee, I didn't know Dilbert was so important. (Jess Lyon, Alexandria) First runner-up: Nixon & Elvis: Lordy, I hope my daughter never marries a man this goofy-looking. (Steven Dudzik, Silver Spring) And the winner of the real Nixon-Elvis print: Babbitt: In this compromise, we will preserve endangered species, but with a method less restrictive to property owners. Bear: Taxidermy? (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Honorable Mentions: Picture 1: Newt: Over there, we'll tear down EPA and put up a fat-rendering plant. Kid: Let's start with you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Newt: ... and that's how we'll balance the budget. Kid: I wonder what he'll say this time when I pull his string? (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) Picture 2: 1: Well, you would not feel so all alone... 2: Everybody must get... 3: Cloned. (Mary W. Matthews, Germantown) 1: Thank God he's gone. 2: I thought we'd never get rid of him! 3: I don't know, I thought the Czar was kind of cute... (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) 1: Same clothes, same hair, same school... 2: Same thoughts, same religion, same color... 3: Why must we represent Republican "diversity"? (Steven M. Wilson, Vienna) Picture 3: Babbitt: I have nothing to hide: My mother was a bear. My father was a rabbit. So it's "Babbitt," okay? Jeez! Bear: You tell 'em, sonny. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Babbitt: The Interior Department has solved the problem of bear attacks in our national parks. Bear: More Prozac, please. (Angela Cross, Riva, Md.) Babbitt: And I assure you that the habitat of my friend here will only be enhanced by our new pipeline. Bear: Put that thing an inch closer and I'll gnaw it off at the elbow. (Jim Pond, Silver Spring) Babbitt: Many West Virginia voters support my campaign. Bear: Hey, not so fast! I'm registered independent. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Picture 4: Nixon: Now I'm supposed to say something about "You are merely a hound dog." Elvis: I thought Kennedy would be better-looking. I can't believe Marilyn Monroe slept with this guy. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, and Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Nixon: That idiot Haldeman will have me posing with Ho Chi Minh next. Elvis: What's that whirring sound? Reminds me of the studio. (Michael Fribush, Burtonsville, and Rose Stack, Arlington) Nixon & Elvis: Thank goodness he's only a cardboard cutout. (Wendy Weinberg, Potomac; Russell Beland, Springfield) Nixon: It's a deal, then: I'll vote for the "thin" Elvis stamp ... Elvis: ... and I'll vote for the "good" Nixon stamp. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Next Week: Gadget if You Can. ====================================================================== WEEK 130, published September 10, 1995 WEEK 130: NICELY STATED Either, Or Ca, CA Uh, OH Getting HI Way to Go, CAL Before we get to this week's contest, the czar wishes to make a somewhat uncharacteristic announcement, inasmuch as he is not ordinarily known for his humility or willingness to admit error. Having just returned from an extended vacation in West Virginia, the czar hereby condemns and disavows all deprecatory humor that in the past may have appeared in this space at the expense of that noble state, which is a tableau of rolling vistas of indescribable beauty and filled with smart, funny, friendly people as well as other fabulous things, many of which have now been purchased as Style Invitational prizes. This week's contest was suggested by Thomas Sudbrink, of Washington, who wins a fancy disposable West Virginia Styrofoam car spittoon. Tom suggests that you create a fictional city to be humorously paired with a real state abbreviation. Any commonly used abbreviation will be acceptable. First-prize winner gets a genuine framed poster advertising the annual Tucker Co., W.Va., Hick Festival, featuring an ox roast, a women's crosscut saw competition, an ax-throwing contest, a turkey-calling contest and, of course, the annual coon chase. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 130, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate "Week 130" in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Russell Beland for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 127, in which you were asked to explain the uses for any of these five gadgets. But first, a special message to the readers from the publisher of The Washington Post: "On behalf of The board of directors, I would like to apologize for the auxiliary czar's ceaseless, unseemly sniping at the incumbent czar, an individual so universally beloved that any criticism of him is tantamount to slander of every man, woman and child in our circulation area. The Washington Post regrets the offense. The perpetrator will be punished and held personally accountable for any lasting damage done to my, I mean The Czar's, reputation. Thank you." * Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon 5) Arguing that smoking is safe, the Tobacco Institute compares the traditional, benign cigar with this "really, really bad cigar." (Bill Szymanski, Vienna) * Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon 2) Miss Daisy, driving her shofar. (Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville) * First Runner-Up: (Cartoon 1) The gourmand super-hero Fatman, with his utility belt. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) * And the winner of the macrame clock:(Cartoon 4) On top of spaghetti / All covered with cheese, / I lost my poor meatball / When somebody sneezed. / But now I can find it / In one to ten days / Because my "On-Board Meatball Radio Tracking Device"/ has now been engaged. (Kevin P. Riley, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: (1) New sports fad: Zen fishing. Practitioner stands patiently on the beach until a fish leaps up and impales itself on the fork. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Original, discarded design for the forklift. (Lorraine Jacobs, New York) Hate to see those potentially tasty sea gulls that die in mid-flight go to waste? Well . . . (Leigh Ann Mazure, Grant Town, W.Va.) Collect all eight celebrity corncob holders. Pictured: Ernest Borgnine (Russell Beland, Springfield) Fred misunderstood what the New York cabby told him to do. (Alison Kamat, Washington) Emily Litella's husband demonstrates the prototype of the tanning fork. (Alison Kamat, Washington) Harpoonmaster. Next time you go barracuda fishing, use yourself as bait! (Marty Madden, Prince Frederick) (2) A handy scoop to pick up fallen mah jongg tiles. (Paul Styrene, Olney) The most effective contraceptive yet. (Leigh Anne Mazure, Grant Town, W.Va.) A Metamucil dowser. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A shoe horn. (Ed Walters, Chicago) (3) Mrs. Unabomber slips into something sexy on Saturday night. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) New, improved truth-in-packaging graduation hats for Yale Law School. (Barbara Sollner-Webb, Baltimore) During the Cold War, some spies had to make do with WWII ordnance instead of poison pills. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Iraqi land mine: When invading, godless Yankees see one of these alluring female decoys; they will attempt to dance with it, causing the pin to become dislodged and the bomb to explode. (John Kammer, Herndon) A Skylab hat, briefly popular in the mid-1970s. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The Sri Lankan nuclear program was hindered by its primitive delivery system. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) (4) Based on the success of the Maxwell Smart Shoe Phone, the Booger Satellite Link is an invaluable piece of modern spy equipment. (John P. Mulville, Vienna) Johnnie L.. Cochran unveils his latest scientific monitoring device, which proves beyond a reasonable doubt that O.J.'s poop does not stink. (Bill Szymanski, Vienna) George Washington Carver's peanut butter-powered depilatory machine. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) New, for you satellite-dish-equipped lumpy blobs everywhere -- your own personal human-shaped display stand! (Leigh Anne Mazure, Grant Town, W.Va.) Aldrich Ames's son's Bumble Ball. (Bob and Lis Cascella, Falls Church) The Mallomar Observatory. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) (5) R.J. Reynolds proudly introduces a new and improved nicotine delivery system for those unable to inhale. (Saul S. Singer, Washington) Johnnie L. Cochran and his smoke-blowing device. (Jeannette Bunting, Leonardtown, Md.) Why Castro wasn't fooled by the CIA's exploding cigar. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Feminazi design for a male urethra scope. (Hugh Richards, Gaithersburg) * And Last: Something the winner of Week 127 will be happy to trade his macrame clock for. (Barbara Sollner-Webb, Baltimore) ====================================================================== WEEK 131, published September 17, 1995 Week 131: Droodleysquat - A tomato sandwich, made by a real amateur. - David Letterman smiling. - A sperm on his day off. This week's contest was suggested by Jessica Steinhice of Washington, who wins an imitation cowflop frisbee. Jessica proposes that you come up with "droodles," simple geometric drawings with funny explanations. Droodles were big in the 1950s. Of course, Durward Kirby was also big in the 1950s. First-prize winner receives a realistic $35 snow globe music box depicting two rhinoceroses in a snowstorm of green glitter. Naturally, it plays "Born Free." Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 131, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 128, in which you were asked to come up with snappy answers to stupid questions. - Fourth Runner-Up: "Can I order a pizza?" "No, today we are delivering only gefilte fish."(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) - Third Runner-Up: To a tall man: "Do you play basketball?" "No. Do you play miniature golf?" (Jim Jacobs, Arlington) - Second Runner-Up: "Are those twins?" "No, they're triplets, but I only take out two at a time. I rotate the third, like tires." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel, who has twins) - First Runner-Up: "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I should think not, officer! At these speeds I prefer to keep my eyes on the road, not on the speedometer." (Jerrold M. Witcher, Takoma Park) - And the winner of the stuffed and mounted turkey head: "Who do you think you are, anyway?" "I think I am Rene Descartes. Therefore, I am Rene Descartes. Who do you think you are?" (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) - Honorable Mentions: To a kid in a candy store: "See anything you like?" "Nope, I just dropped in to squelch a cliche." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) "Will that be a table for one?" "No, for two. I'll be undergoing mitosis after the soup course." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) "Are you sleeping?" "No, I was contacting the other side -- your grandmother said to tell you she always thought you were the stupid one." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Gee, officer, was I speeding?" "No, but your car was. I am going to have to take it down to the station." (Donal Hogan, Woodbridge) "Can we still be friends?" "Sure! Assuming you like to have raunchy sex with your friends." (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Will that be a table for one?" (Break out in long, self-pitying sobs) (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) "What are you watching?" "I am watching a stream of collimated negatively charged leptons, known commonly as 'electrons,' bombard a phosphorescent matrix. A wavelength filter delineates the beams by photon energies, producing in combination a color table that reproduces natural wavelength emission. These come together using a time-dependent scanning technique at a frequency of approximately 30 Hertz, the end product of which is a dynamic two-dimensional representation of Gilligan dropping a coconut on the Skipper's head." (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) "Was I speeding, officer?" "No, I was. Please arrest me." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Why are you a vegetarian?" "It's not that I love animals. I hate vegetables." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) "Steve Young, you have just won the Super Bowl. What are you going to do next?" "Take a shower." (James A. Michaels, Potomac) "What are you, paranoid?" "No, but people keep spreading that rumor." (Russ Beland, Springfield) "Are you open?" "Well, I have the usual number of orifices, but I don't know if I'd consider myself open." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Doesn't he look natural?" "Only if you consider having rigor mortis, and your eyelids sewn shut, natural." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Is that the Capitol?" "No, it's the Taj Mahal, sahib." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "Are you the Russ Beland of Springfield who gets printed every other week or so in the Style Invitational?" "No, I'm one of two Russ Belands of Springfield who each gets printed every fourth week or so." (Russ Beland, Springfield) - And Last: "Why didn't you print my entry?" "Because your material is so terrific The Post has decided, instead, to print a hardcover book featuring all the entries you've ever submitted, fully annotated, with a foreword by Bob Woodward." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Next Week: Remake Us Happy ====================================================================== WEEK 132, published September 24, 1995 Week 132: Give Us the Backs off Our Shirts. Oh, shirt. It's that time again. We are redesigning our losers' T-shirt for the third time. Above is Bob Staake's new design for the front of the shirt. What should the shirt say on the back? Your goal is to somehow capture the spirit of the contest. First-prize winner gets a genuine antique felt bejeweled Shriner's fez, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 132, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Elden Carnahan of Laurel for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 129, in which you were asked to come up with new plots for old movie titles. But first, some unfinished business. Several months ago, we asked you for your ideas on a redesign of our mildly sought-after bumper stickers, which are awarded to honorable mentions. We have chosen several for printing: Third Runner-Up: Who is The Czar and why does he hate me? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: Peel paper backing from sticker. Do not lick back of sticker. Holding ends, carefully place on bumper of car. Rub to smooth. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) First Runner-Up: My Other Bumper Sticker Is Funny (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of the drinking ducks and plastic snot: F2 2U2 (adapted from entries by Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, and Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Back to the movies: Third Runner-Up: BOXING HELENA: Rocky Balboa's opponents just keep getting sillier. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: TORA! TORA! TORA!: The story of the Six-Day War. (Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner-Up: VIVA LAS VEGAS!: A documentary on Christo's project to drape an entire city in paper towels. (Timothy Morgen, Laurel) And the winner of the leather Rolonda fanny pack and shirt: SORRY, WRONG NUMBER: Independent filmmaker Michael Moore ("Roger & Me") asks many, many people to pick a number from 1 to 10. They all get it wrong and look foolish. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Honorable Mentions: ERASERHEAD: Lyle Lovett in concert. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) MISTER ROBERTS: Documentary; Lyle Lovett struggles to establish his own identity after divorce. (Timothy Morgen, Laurel) DIE HARD: The Nelson Rockefeller Story (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN: Dr. Jack Kevorkian's film guide for persons too poor to use his services. (Matthew Cuba, Fredericksburg) ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN: A documentary in which Bob Packwood, Clarence Thomas and Mel Reynolds explain how they get chicks. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) ALIEN NATION: A Republican propaganda film in which the United States does not heed Bob Dole's warnings, and now everyone speaks Urdu. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) THE CRYING GAME: Story of the recently widowed Anna Nicole Smith. (Mark Jeantheau, Germantown) MORTAL KOMBAT: The National Spelling Bee turns ugly. (Stu Solomon, Springfield) IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER: What's it like to be the child of a world-famous celebrity? Just ask George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman and George Foreman. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) A FAREWELL TO ARMS: Documentary on the criminal justice system in Saudi Arabia. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK: Produced with the NEA under Sen. Jesse Helms's rules, this orientation film for college freshmen deals forthrightly with questions such as why women have to wear tops and men don't, whether it is true that women urinate differently from men, where do babies come from, etc. (Paul A. Stone, Silver Spring) TOTAL RECALL: The story of Yugo Motors Inc. (Joseph Romm, Washington) GET OUT YOUR HANDKERCHIEFS: Sequel to "Pee-wee's Big Adventure." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 1776: A week in the life of Wilt Chamberlain. (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) M*A*S*H: The Bob Packwood Story. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Next Week: Nicely Stated ====================================================================== WEEK 133, published October 1, 1995 Week 133: Like, Wow. Republicans are to Democrats as Those 7 Cigarette Company Executives are to the Chicago 7. Rocky IV is to Rocky as Where's Waldo is to Guernica This Week's Contest was proposed concurrently by Michael Farquhar of Washington and some guy whose name we forgot. A long time ago, Michael -- who recently left for a writing job after flushing 2 1/2 years of his life down the pooper as The Czar's flunky -- suggested a contest on the subject of analogies. But he could never come up with a single remotely funny example. The guy whose name we forgot came up with the splendid Chicago 7 example above, but as an inappropriate losing entry to an unrelated contest. So Michael wins one half of a $20 bill. The other half gets held in trust for the guy whose name we forgot, in case we ever remember or in case he ever contacts us with proof of authorship. Otherwise, Michael is screwed. Anyway, the contest is to come up with funny analogies like those above. First-prize winner gets a framed, drawn-to-scale poster depicting Penises of the Animal Kingdom, donated to the Style Invitational by Kitty Thuermer of Washington. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 133, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Tom Witte of Gaithersburg for today's Ear No One Reads. The Faerie also sympathizes with those persons who wrote in politely to say they did not understand the winning bumper sticker slogan, "F2 2U2." The Faerie reminds those persons that the world is full of persons who do not "get" things. And that these persons are no less worthy than are persons who do "get" things, except for being generally dumber. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 130, in which you were asked to come up with city names to pair with existing state abbreviations. This contest provoked the highest response total to date, more than 30,000 entries. Dozens of good ones were too popular to reward with prizes: Chutz, Pa.; Phony, ID; Oompah, Pa.; Penis, NV; Praise, Ala.; Gimme, N.M.; Oye Como, Va.; Faux, Pa.; Aww, Fl.; and of course, Style Invitation, Al. As often happens when we get a gigantic response, the chances are greater than usual that we have inadvertently failed to give credit to entries that duplicate our winners. If you feel we have cheated you, submit your original entry in triplicate, together with a notarized statement establishing your claim, to: I WUZ ROBBED, c/o the New Republic, 1 Dag Hammarskjold Plaza, New York, N.Y. Next, we offer some free advice. Now listen up, because the Style Invitational does not believe in being reader-friendly more than once a year. When someone submits, say, a list of 75 entries, and the first 25 are without merit, the subsequent 50 get a fairly cursory going-over. Bing bang boing, right in the can, if you get our drift. So. If you are going to send in huge lists, you might want to put your best stuff atop or, even better, edit yourself. It pays off. Kitty Thuermer seldom enters. But when she does, the entry is usually very clever, and it is invariably one entry only, printed in BIG BLACK MAGIC MARKER LETTERS. In terms of batting average, Kitty Thuermer is Honus Wagner. Having said this, we are compelled to report that this week, one person submitted 240 entries, each on a separate slip of paper, each with its own return address, a stunning, impenetrable stack of mail three inches high. Moreover, this person accompanied his submission with a pathetic $1 bribe to curry favor with David, who is Farquhar's successor. David pocketed the buck. We are nothing if not sleaze bags. Anyway, of the guy's 240 entries, 239 of them were leaden, predictable, repetitious, devoid of even a semblance of humor. The 240th won the contest. No, we don't know what to make of it, either. But we felt we had to tell you. Fourth Runner-Up: Great Ganja, Mon. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Third Runner-Up: Needaride, No. Car. (Ellen and Bruce Dean, Frederick; Paul Styrene, Olney) Second Runner-Up: Cntrl Alt, Del. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; John Kammer, Herndon; Anne Oliveira, Arlington; Thomas Sudbrink, Washington) First Runner-Up: Tudor Moon, Alas. (Tammy Petrillo, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the framed West Virginia Hick Festival poster: Lakshmanan Sathyavagiswaran, MD. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Honorable Mentions: Brezh, Nev. (Tristan Siegel, Charlottesville; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Nottubrite, RI (Bob Thurston, Woodbridge) Solipsism, Me. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Ham Sam, Mich. (Anna Shaw, McLean; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Iglattin, PA (John Machado, Vienna) Only 200, Cal. (John Kammer, Herndon) OhyesohyesohYESYESYESOH, Oh. (John Kammer, Herndon; Celeste Yousoof, Germantown) CH3, OH (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Phhtphht, Ak., Bill the Cat's hometown (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) Inasmuch, Az. (Ellen Lamb, Washington) Made, In., USA (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Inoperable, Mass. (John H. Tuohy, Arlington) Far Merinda, Del. (Jerrold Witcher, Takoma Park; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Imonbreak, OK (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Diabetic Co., Ma. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Green Eggs, N. Ham. (Bob Ullom, Silver Spring) Dry Vinon, MT (Rich Hoffman, Fairfax) Cowabun, Ga. (Richard Rosen, Silver Spring) Barmitz, Va. (Harry Richardson, Laurel) Great Grand, Ma. (Michael Temple, Washington) Lillol, Me. (Barry Talsky, Bowie) Ididntouchyourhooters, Miss. (Edward S. Costley, Laurel) Rectal, Colo. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And Last: Chucksmith, Alas. (Jim Kimble, Silver Spring) ====================================================================== WEEK 134, published October 8, 1995 Week 134: A Simple Clerihew Error After the trial of O.J. Simpson American jurisprudence, as we know it, limps on. If it was a game, the running back definitely won it But, then, whodunit? Joseph 'Joey' Buttafuoco Went on a long vacation in Acapulco Hoping to meet a Young, pistol-packing, wife-assassinating chiquita. The ghost of Liberace Spends the evening hours in my attic playing nonstop boccie. Noisy is this lad! Someone get this dead weenie out of my house or I'll get very mad. This week's contest was proposed by our Aunt Ethel. She suggests reviving clerihews, a deservedly extinct poetic form that is, like our Aunt Ethel, a bit old-fashioned but still full of pith and vinegar. The thing we like about clerihews, which were invented in the early 1900s by mystery writer E. Clerihew Bentley, is that they defy all efforts to define or explain them. We shall try: A clerihew is a biographical poem in four lines divided into two rhyming couplets. The rhyme scheme is aa bb. The first line of the clerihew must contain the name of the subject of the poem. And here is the catch: The poem may not scan. The lines must be of disparate length and meter, the clunkier the better. Extra credit will be given for cleverly painful rhymes and cleverly inept meter. First prize winner receives one of our greatest prizes ever, a genuine lobster trap obtained for the Style Invitational in St. Paul, Newfoundland, by Yvonne Easter Driggers of Reston and transported to the nation's capital on the top of her motor home. We are so overwhelmed by the magnanimosity of this prize that we will refrain at the current time from making fun of the name of Ms. Yvonne Easter Driggers of Reston, though we reserve that right for a later time and place. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 134, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks John Kammer of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. The Faerie also wonders if anyone knows what an "Easter Drigger" is. Best explanation wins a prize. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 131, in which we asked you to come up with new Droodles, simple geometric drawings with funny explanations. This contest engendered a lot of tired old plagiarism: Two men walking a breast; a man in a sombrero riding a bicycle, etc. Best entry by a plagiarist was from Paul Kondis of Alexandria, who submitted two paperback books of Droodles by Roger Price, but scratched out the author's name and substituted his own. - Second Runner-Up: What a dyslexic sees in his rearview mirror.(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) - First Runner-Up: Jack Kevorkian's signature. (Glenn W. Chong, San Diego) - Honorable Mentions: A pet snake door. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What you get when you order 'half plain, half pepperoni' from a West Virginia pizzeria. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) George Stephanopoulos's getaway car. (Dan Royer, Alexandria) John Elway completes a touchdown pass with no time left against the Redskins. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) - And the winner of the rhinoceros snow globe: Four pinheaded high school athletes looking down a well at their deposed coach. (Sally Booher, Midland, Va.) Tom Arnold's tattoo of Roseanne. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) A poodle hiding under an anvil. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Captain Hook's bowling ball. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The first seesaw. (Linda K. Bakley, Falls Church) Next Week: Give Us the Backs Off Our Shirts ====================================================================== WEEK 135, published October 15, 1995 The Style Invitational; Week 135: Jerry-Built Solutions Why do they call them windbreakers? Who would wear something that claims to break wind? What is it with paneling on refrigerators and dishwashers? They aren't furniture. Why are we pretending we have furniture in the kitchen? Large pieces of furniture plugged into the wall? What's the deal with these blood pressure tests I see them giving in shopping malls? Do you really want to go to a mall when you need top medical attention? Oooo, looks like Uncle Murray may need an emergency appendectomy -- better rush him down to The Gap! This Week's contest was proposed by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a set of 1950s-vintage galoshes for a dog. Jean suggests that you come up with Seinfeld-isms: whiny, quirky musings on little questions of life. First-prize winner receives a fabulous Elvis doll commemorating his "Jailhouse Rock," value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 135, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the 'subject' field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. The Faerie also notes that the sudden precipitous disappearance of Ken Krattenmaker of Landover Hills from this contest coincides precisely with the sudden, precipitous ascendancy of one Thomas Litz of Bowie. Coincidence? Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 132, in which you were invited to come up with a slogan for the back of the new Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt, the front of which is pictured at right (This chart was not available). Third Runner-Up: Pooperty of The Washington Post (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: The Back No One Reads (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) First Runner-Up: Print This Slogan, Keep Me From Bombing Again (Kurt Rabin, Fredericksburg) And the winner of the bejeweled Shriners' fez: (This chart was not available)(George C. Montgomery, Bethesda) Honorable Mentions: LOSt ti. Love it. Any REal Sin? (David Smith, Greenbelt) Will Trade Shirt for Respect (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Owner Carries Less Than $50. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Kicking Name and Taking Butts (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) How's My Wearing? If you see this shirt being worn in an unsafe manner, fax 334-4312 (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Body Inspected by Alien #7 (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Take My Life, Please (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Insert colostomy bag here (This chart was not available) (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Eureka! A Way to Measure the Volume of a Toaster! (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) I'm Not a Loser, But I Play One on F2. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) We Eat Our Dead. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Jumbo Shrimp, Military Intelligence, Style Invitational Winner (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) I Slay Me. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) At Least They Gave Me Bread and Water (Jim and Tana Reagan, Herndon) Beats Dying On the Crapper! (Tommy Litz, Bowie) All I Ever Won Was This Toaster. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Embarrassing Our Nation's Capital Since 1993. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) West Virginia Hot Tubs, Inc. (Joel Kawer, Gaithersburg) Thank You, Sir. May I Have Another? (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) It's Also the Wrong Size. (Jim Day, Gaithersburg) Onward and Downward (This chart was not available) (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Next Week: Like Wow ====================================================================== WEEK 136, published October 22, 1995 Week 136: New End In Sight * New end for Moby Dick: Captain Ahab maneuvers a pressurized oxygen canister into the whale's mouth, and then harpoons it, setting off a tremendous explosion and blowing the whale to smithereens. * New end for Death of a Salesman: No longer appreciated as a shoe salesman, octogenarian Willie Loman finds a second career selling illegal nuclear devices to the Iraqis. * New end for Gone With the Wind: Stating that she'll "never go hungry again," Vivien Leigh grabs an AK-47, storms a McDonald's and makes off with a year's supply of Big Macs. This Week's Contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington, who wins a West Virginia bathroom door knocker, in which you knock according to a code that reveals your degree of desperation ("Three Knocks: Hurry, Man, Hurry"). Now that Demi Moore has given a happier ending to "The Scarlet Letter," Mr. Romm suggests we come up with new endings to make other literary classics more suitable for Hollywood in the 1990s. Originals can be books, plays or even old movies to be updated. First-prize winner receives a magician's "Scoop Out Your Eye With a Soup Spoon" trick, a gift donated to the Style Invitational by Dave Zarrow of Herndon, who is, according to his letterhead, "America's Funniest Office Products Dealer." The apparatus is worth $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 136, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print and the Ear No One Reads thanks Kitty Thuermer of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads and officially gives Russ Beland of Springfield a credit, suitable for framing, for the Bob Packwood entry below. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 133, in which we asked you to come up with analogies. * Fifth Runner-Up: Guilt is to innocence as O.J. Simpson is to Maggie Simpson. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) * Fourth Runner-Up: Ketchup is to vegetables as Ronald Reagan was to the presidency. (Elijah Tucker, 13, Kensington) * Third Runner-Up: Estrogen is to testosterone as housewarming is to arson. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Second Runner-Up: Style Invitational is to Style as funny bone is to funny. (Leonard Greenberg, Sterling) * First Runner-Up: Dole is to ol' as Newt is to ew. (Stephen Offutt, Arlington) * And the winner of the framed poster featuring comparative-size drawings of animal wee-wees: A good joke is to its explanation as sex is to trying to have a baby. Get it? It takes all the fun out of it! (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) * Honorable Mentions: An Arkansan is to the White House as a washboard is to the National Symphony Orchestra. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Dogs are to cats as favorite uncles out on parole are to 10th-grade Latin teachers. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Congressional Republicans are to the federal government as a lawn mower is to crabgrass. And daisies. And tulips. And . . . (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Madonna is to Marilyn as carob is to chocolate. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Gus Frerotte is to Heath Shuler as a $1.99 burger is to a $ 5 piece of sushi. (Steven King, Alexandria) Bill Clinton is to Newt Gingrich as the Pillsbury Doughboy is to the Pillsbury Doughboy with fangs. (Ted Hudson, Alexandria) Analogies are to non sequiturs as non sequiturs are to flashlights. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Giant is to Safeway as flat chests are to really nice hooters. (B. Packwood, Portland, Ore.) Those big wads of cotton in the tops of medicine bottles are to aspirin what tofu is to Chinese food. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Lust is to love as an electrical fire in the basement is to a wood fire in the Franklin stove. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Balancing the budget is to Congress as Hobbes is to Calvin. (Roy Highberg, Bentonville) As is to analogies as is to is to analogies. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bob Dole is to humor as Pringles is to diversity. (Paul F. Krause, Fredericksburg) The LAPD is to defense lawyers as Paul Mellon is to the National Gallery. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "I'm outta" is to "here" as one shoe dropping is. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) George Washington is to the cherry tree as Jack Kevorkian is to the family tree. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) The Unabomber is to a good point as an appendix is to . . . uh, never mind. No relation there. No sirree. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Squirrel is to alarm clock as cable deregulation is to lower rates. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Bob Packwood is to an honored, respected lawmaker as Bob Packwood is to a real macho studmuffin. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) The Style Invitational is to subliminal messages as Honorable Mention is to Mike Connaghan. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) * And Last: Style Invitational is to The Washington Post as two heads are to a calf. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Steve Offutt of Arlington is to the The Style Invitational as the Chicago Cubs are to the Stanley Cup. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) A1 is to F2 as AA is to DTs (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Style Invitational is to poop jokes as cow is to pie. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Next Week: A Simple Clerihew Error ====================================================================== WEEK 137, published October 29, 1995 Week 137: Velvis Lives The Style Invitational Proudly Announces Its Acquisition of The Annie Groer Collection, Some of the Finest Items of Crap Ever Assembled in One Place By One Human Being. The centrepiece of Ms. Groer's collection is this gangrenous objet d'art, a velvet Elvis of breathtaking artistic incompetence. Adding to its value is its size, a robust 3 feet by 2 feet. The contest is to come up with a title and/or art gallery blurb for this painting; best entry wins it. It is worth $6 million. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 137, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the 'subject' field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 133, in which we asked you to write clerihews, biographical four-line rhyming poems characterized by odious rhyme and meter, as pioneered by mystery writer E. Clerihew Bently. Awfully good entries, and we mean that literally. Clerihews are a rather disreputable poetic form. (Or, as Richard Stromberg of Fairfax Station wrote, "E. Clerihew Bentley/ Had not much to do, evidently.") Fourth Runner-Up: Ross Perot, jeez, His ears look like boiled pirogis. His voice is as shrill as a barking Chihuahua. It makes me want to turn on "20/20" and listen to Barbara Walters.(Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Third Runner-Up: Socrates Considered drinking anti-freeze But decided on another poison, which he sucked up like a Greek-philosopher-Hoover, Which today, of course, we call the Hemlock Maneuver. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Heath Shuler, the multi-million-dollar quarterback, was a high draft pick, His greedy holdout made me sick. Then Gus's star arose, And megabucks is on the bench, picking splinters and his nose. (Jack Shreve, Kensington) First Runner-Up: Anyone who has heard the rock-and-roll singing of action star Bruce Willis Knows what shrill is. His whole notes howl, his half-notes warp and waver, But he's been known to make a lovely Demi semi-quaver. (David Smith, Greenbelt) And the winner of the Newfoundland lobster trap: If the presidential race were to be enlivened by the candidacy of retired Gen. Colin Powell, He would run real hard and never throw in the towel, But what if his platform is rudely challenged as vague and overly elastic? Would Colin go spastic? (Jerry Belenker, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: Assistant District Attorney Marcia Clark, of variable coif, Tried her case but couldn't pull it off. While defender Johnnie Cochran "played the card" and "talked the talk," A silent O.J. "walked the walk." (Joseph A. Pappano, Washington) Would I be worried if I were Paula Barbieri? Very. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Caspar Weinberger was Ronald Reagan's secretary of defense. Did you ever get one of those ideas in your head that doesn't make any sense? For example, when I see Cap on TV, I get this mental picture that I just can't ignore, no matter what I do. I think: Dustin Hoffman at 72. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Christopher Columbus thought he'd met his acid test: To find the East Indies he sailed far out into the west. "I've found them!" he cried at last, his confidence unshaken, He was mistaken. (William Bradford, Washington) When you've a name like John F. Kennedy Jr. The expectations could be enough to ruin ya Especially if folks expected to hear between yer Lines the voice of John F. Kennedy Sr. (David Smith, Greenbelt) It's a shame that Packy got the boot. Although if he'd asked me I could have told the dumb galoot That it's foolish enough to screw the girls and write about it in your diary, But to screw the good ol' boys instead is sheer suiciary. (Mimi Herman, Baltimore) Napoleon Bonaparte, in his final St. Helena days, Was beset with cliches. Imagine some wag saying, "Face it, Nappie, you're through" At last you've met your Waterloo. (William Bradford, Washington) Detective Mark Fuhrman Displayed sentiments which one would normally expect from a 1930s German . . . (Paul Briggs, Chestertown) Verily, the parking of Stephanopoulos, Doth parallel the laws of Darwin articulated after years of study in the Galapagos: When naturally selected, thou has a right to ignore the cars thou hittest, It's survival of the fittest. (Phyllis Fung, Bruce Feiler, Andy Cowan, Washington) Colin Powell, Is an entrant's dream because his last name rhymes with bowel, And his first name Is a homonym for the same. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And last: Chuck Smith and poop Go together like sandwich and soup ... (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Next Week: Jerry-Built Solutions ====================================================================== WEEK 138, published November 5, 1995 WEEK 138: LIST BUT NOT LEAST 1. Three Reasons the Cold War Should Be Started Up Again: 2. Three Lessons to be Learned From the O.J. Trial: 3. Three Totally New Euphemisms for The Sex Act: 4. Three Questions That Should Never Be Asked at a Presidential Debate: This week's contest was suggested by Paul Styrene of Olney, who of course stole it from David Letterman. Paul wins a genuine nine-carat diamond brooch, but he will have to steal it from Mervis Diamond Importers Inc. Paul suggests that you come up with Top-10-style lists for any of the above four subjects. Your list can be as long as you wish; three is just a guide. First-prize winner gets a plastic medical model of the human foot, from the vaunted Annie Groer Collection, a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 138, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Elden Carnahan of Laurel for today's Ear No One Reads. Also, we have recently become aware that "Paul Styrene of Olney" is a pseudonym. We do not encourage the use of pseudonyms, but inasmuch as Mr. "Styrene" is practically a charter member of the Style Invitational fraternity of pitiful losers, a longtime loyal contributor whose witty entries have entertained millions of readers for more than two years, we will at this time thoroughly humiliate him, not only by publishing his photograph, which we have secretly obtained, but by inviting readers to suggest what his real name might be -- evidently a name so mortifying he found it necessary to hide his identity behind a lame pun. Best suggestion wins an umbrella advertising condoms from French-speaking Africa. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 135, in which we asked you to come up with Seinfeld-isms. Second Runner-Up: What's with the people who put carpet on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too." (Mark Jeantheau, Germantown) First Runner-Up: What's this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) And the winner of the Elvis doll: Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is that about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except Seeing Eye dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu? (Joseph Romm, Washington) If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? (Bruce Goldfarb, Baltimore) Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? (Michael K. Keney, Silver Spring) Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station? (John Wallington, Silver Spring) What's with these people who push elevator buttons that are already lighted? Do they think that the elevator will arrive any faster? I'd like to see elevator buttons with lights that go out if you touch them when they're lighted, thereby canceling the request. Then these people will think twice. (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) So, like, why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go to the bathroom in a handicapped stall? (Sharon Waters, Alexandria) How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own? (Jel Knanishu, Hyattsville) All the king's horses and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway? (John J. Callebaut, Arlington) Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I though we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a Danish!" (Anthony Silk, California, Md.) Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff!" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the detergent white! (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not. (Chuck Snowdon, Arlington) Who is this guy Louis Freeh who is head of the FBI? People keep calling him Louie, like he was the king of France or something. And what's this with his last name? What does this mean, that he gives away the letter H? (Lee Hurwitz, Silver Spring) The Last of the Topekans ... Why Johnny Can't Breed ... Ready? Aim? Friar! Announcing a Special Secret Style Invitational Challenge: For reasons that will at this time have to remain a deep mystery, we are looking for headlines like the ones above. The winning entries will be ten words or fewer, entail the prominent use of a pun, and seem plausibly like a headline for a story that might appear in The Washington Post. We want the headlines only, not the story; the subject matter of the story should be open to interpretation. Entries may be submitted to The Style Invitational through the usual channels. Specify: 'Secret Headline Challenge.' Deadline is Monday, Nov. 13. The winners, chosen for humor and originality, will obtain everlasting cheesy fame plus some really crummy prizes. Next Week: New End in Sight ====================================================================== WEEK 139, published November 12, 1995 Week 139: Employment Lines Bob Packwood's biographer Taste tester for Syrup of Ipecac Agent for McLean Stevenson, Bert Convy and Richard Dawson This week's contest was suggested by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a box of chicken-flavored Rice-A-Roni. Jean suggests that you come up with jobs that make even your crummy job seem good. First-prize winner gets a huge plastic mailbox that is an exact replica of a Redskin helmet, a value of $32. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 139, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to commiserate once again with all those people who keep writing in, begging for information about The Ear No One Reads. Listen, folks. If we told you where it was, it would not be The Ear No One Reads anymore, now would it? It would be The Ear Everyone Reads, and American journalism might never recover. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks T. Meriwether Jones of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads, which is right where it always is and always has been and always will be forever and ever and ever. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 136, in which you were asked to come up with new Hollywood-happy endings for classic works of film or literature. Fourth Runner-Up -- New end for Kafka's "Metamorphosis": Giant bug runs amok, terrifying community. Lovestruck gal scientist tries to save it, but Air Force blows it to smithereens. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Third Runner-Up -- New end for "Oedipus Rex": Oedipus comes back to town, kills his father, marries his mother and then blinds himself. However, it turns out he was adopted! He finds his birth mother, who is a brilliant eye surgeon and who restores his sight after a 16-hour operation featuring tight closeups of knitted brows over surgical masks. (Steven King, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up -- New end for "Thelma & Louise": As the getaway convertible sails through the air off the cliff, Thelma pushes a button releasing a giant parachute over the car, letting it drift safely down. Suddenly, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid land in the back seat, having leapt off the other side of the cliff! A mid-air make-out session ensues . . . (Honus Thuermer, Washington) First Runner-Up -- New end for "Psycho": Norman Bates is acquitted because his mom's dress doesn't fit him. (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) And the winner of the Pop-Out-Your-Eye-With-a-Soup-Spoon magician's illusion: New end for "Citizen Kane" -- The reporter discovers that Rosebud was Kane's sled. He rescues it from the furnace and uses it to enter the Olympic luge event, winning a gold medal. (Jerry Podlesak, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: "The Sound of Music": The family Von Trapp and their cook, played by Steven Seagal, come out to accept their award. The cook shoots out the lights and lobs off a couple of stun grenades, easily overpowering the Nazis. The cook then goes on to defeat Hitler single-handedly and the horrors of World War II are avoided. (John Kammer, Herndon) "Woodstock": A representative of the National Park Service comes on the screen and explains that an estimated 10,000 people attended the concert. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Rear Window": Raymond Burr, acting as his own attorney, successfully defends himself against the murder charges by impeaching the eyewitness testimony of Jimmy Stewart, who'd seen an invisible rabbit before, too. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) "Waiting for Godot": Godot finally shows up in a time machine, explaining that he has come from the future to warn Estragon and Vladimir that he is not going to show up. (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Pygmalion": Because he has become accustomed to her face, Professor Higgins chops off Eliza's head and keeps it in the freezer. (The West Springfield High School OM-Classics team, Springfield) "Beowulf": It turns out Grendel had a son . . . (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Rocky II": With a stunning haymaker in the second round, Apollo Creed kills Rocky Balboa, saving us from future remakes. (John Kammer, Herndon) "Grapes of Wrath": The Joads move back to Oklahoma, where one day, shootin' for some food, they discover some bubblin' crude . . . (Joseph Romm, Washington) "2001": Right after they disable HAL, something comprehensible happens. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "The Bridge Over the River Kwai": They blow up the bridge. "The Bridges of Madison County": They blow up the bridges. "The Fabulous Baker Boys": They blow up Jeff Bridges. "Marathon Man": The sadistic dentist puts in a bridge without Novocain. Then he blows it up. (All by Paul Kondis, Alexandria) "Crime and Punishment": Raskolnikov, acquitted in the murder of his landlady by his "Dream Troika" of lawyers, engages in a lifelong search for the real killer. (Adam Korengold, College Park; Edward Belfar, Baltimore) "Old Yeller": Boy completes the unenviable task of killing his beloved but rabid pet; then he turns gun on himself. Slo-mo scene of his head exploding. Fade to black. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Moby Dick": The ending is unchanged, except for a new epilogue in which Moby rejoins his worried mate. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga, Tenn.) "La Boheme": Instead of dying of consumption, Mimi dies of a new drug-resistant strain of consumption. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Othello": Othello plays the race card and gets off. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Heidi": Oakland Raiders 41, New York Jets 28. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) "The Natural": In his last at-bat in the final championship game, Roy Hobbes breaks his favorite bat. Then, with two strikes on him and using the batboy's bat, he hits a superhuman monumental game-winning home run that strikes the light stanchion far above the right field stands, causing a major malfunction of the electrical system and all the lights in the stands to explode in sequence, sending showers of sparks in a magical display to rain down around him while he triumphantly rounds . . . no, better yet, while he, IN SLOW MOTION, triumphantly rounds the bases, the orchestra music crescendos to a majestic fortissimo, and the crowd cheers deliriously. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) And last: "Oedipus Rex": Upon learning that he has killed his father and married his mother, Oedipus banishes himself to far-off West Virginia . . . (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Next Week: Velvis Lives ====================================================================== WEEK 140, published November 19, 1995 Week 140: What If You Give It a Try? What if, instead of gasoline, Henry Ford's internal combustion engine had used dried sheep dung as fuel? America would have low unemployment because each car would have to pull a tender and fireman, and Scotland would control the world economy. What if Adam had been a cannibal? We wouldn't be here. What if the Pilgrims had landed on the West Coast? Come this Thursday, we would be sitting down to the traditional Thanksgiving dinner of sauteed mahi-mahi, avocado stuffing, candied arugula, and strawberry daquiries. This week's contest was suggested, independently, by Elden Carnahan, of Laurel, and Kathy Kevany, of Silver Spring, who each win a slice of realistic white bread made of foam rubber. If they find each other and pool their booty, they have a sandwich. Otherwise, they go hungry. More on this affair as it develops. Elden and Kathy suggest that you come up with What If scenarios and logical outcomes. First-prize winner gets an Army-issue gas mask, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 140, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 137, in which we asked you to come up with a title and/or art gallery blurb for this Elvis on black velvet. Could it be that Style Invitational readers lack culture? Most of you had no idea what to do with this contest, as though you had never been to an art gallery or read an art book. We wanted pretentious artbabble, but most of the 1,200 entries delivered snide captions and caustic one-liners more appropriate to Open-Mike Night at the Improv. Many of these were very funny. Alas, they are honorable mentions only. Fortunately, those who did get it right got it very right. Second Runner-Up: PLEASE RELEASE ME (Taiwanese, 1977). With its masterfully airbrushed chiaroscuro background of fabrique noir, this tour de force depicts the King's revelation that he, like Christ, would be sighted after his death. Note the parallel apostolic symbolism of the dozen dazzling stars on Elvis's jacket and the Tinkerbell-inspired angels floating above the microphone. Elvis is trapped in his public persona, as he is trapped on the velvet of the painting. He is unable to escape the two-dimensional prison of popular culture. (George Griffith, Lovettsville; Ellen Lamb, Washington) First Runner-Up: The Appalachian folk art masterpiece "Four Notched Pieces of Wood" was discovered recently in the Annie Groer Collection. It will be put on permanent display following a cleaning, waxing and the removal of a piece of stained blackish velvet material. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) And the winner of the Velvis: LOVE ME GENDER Anon. American, c. 1990 (Oil on Troubled Velvet) This epochal, post-American naive rendering evokes hermaphroditic motifs epitomizing rampant confusion of sexuality and patriotism characteristic of the late 20th century. A popular entertainer, styled "The King" by his fanatic devotees, is depicted in antithetical forms that mimic the unevolved psycho-social premises of the era. The King wears a feminine coiffure known as a Prince Valiant, itself being a transsexual adaptation. The low brow connotes the milieu, while the lineage of the eyes, nose and cheeks suggests a painful masculine quest. The eye is led downward through a Der Fuhrer mouth (echoing Edvard Munch's "Der Schrei") and thence to an ancien dame chin of greatly exaggerated proportions. The torso and arm are masculine, while the effeminate neckline plunges though successive structures directed insistently toward the pelvis. From this tantalizing region 12 stars erupt in an ejaculatory paean to the United States. The mystical, prime 13th star remains obscured at the uncertain nexus. The viewer is drawn into an endless autoerotic cycle, against the backdrop of the infinite darkness surrounding, embracing and overwhelming the figure, who seems to cry out for immortality amidst the vortex of oblivion. (John Rather, Washington) Honorable Mentions: The best thing about this picture is that when you hold it between yourself and the sun, it helps prevents skin cancer. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Portrait of Elvis the Pelvis's twin brother, Enis. (Ray Cohen, Fredericksburg) This piece can fill the gap in your decor that somehow seems wrong for duct tape. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Proposed logo for the rejected 1995 NFL expansion team, the Memphis Presleys (shown in helmet). (Ben Feldman, Washington) Frustrated by absence of the King, velvet artists turn to impersonators for inspiration. (Randy Wadkins, Silver Spring) ELVISA -- Visa card from First National Bank of Graceland. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) LEGO LAS VEGAS -- This painting was commissioned by Lego Industries Inc. for display in its corporate headquarters. It is the Lego characterization of Elvis, complete with the distinctive dome haircut worn by the toy company's human figures. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) "It is amazing. I am in awe of the effort. It must have taken hours." -- LeRoy Neiman (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The Kentucky School for the Blind proudly announces the recent acquisition, for $6 million, of its first original van Gogh. (John Kammer, Herndon) And Last: "Apples With Basket" American abstract, artist unknown. (Dave Ferry, Potomac) ====================================================================== WEEK 141, published November 26, 1995 The Style Invitational; Week 141: Ask Backward VII Wet Hogs in Hot Pants The Tenor Luciano Buttafuoco Harold P. Christ Monstrous Pillars of Interstellar Gas A Toothbrush, a Comb and a Ball Peen Hammer(a pic of Hobbes the tiger) Twelve Angry Mennonites Larry S Truman Ace Ventura and the Hon. William Rehnquist St. Augustine of Hippo, but Not Fat Joe Waldholtz Betty Rodham Boop Mailbombs and Broomsticks This Week's Contest has become something of a Style Invitational seasonal tradition, like congealed giblet gravy. You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? First-prize winner gets a rare rubber Walter Mondale Halloween mask, a value of $35. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 141, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec 4 . Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Joseph Romm of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 138, in which we asked you to write Letterman-like list items for one of four subjects: Lessons to be learned from the O.J. trial; questions that should never be asked at a presidential debate; reasons to bring back the Cold War; and totally new euphemisms for sex. First Runner-Up: A question that should never be asked at a presidential debate: "What is the most ethnically offensive word or phrase you have ever heard, and will you please use it in a sentence?" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) And the Winner of the plastic model of a human foot: A question that should never be asked at a presidential debate: "If elected, would you prefer to be assassinated by a Middle Eastern terrorist, an American right-wing extremist or a member of a fanatical religious sect?" (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Honorable Mentions: Totally new euphemisms for the sex act 5. "Makin' zygotes." (Paul Styrene, Olney) 4. "Practicing docking maneuvers." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) 3. "The beast with four kidneys." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 2. "Carnal tunnel syndrome." (Joel Bernstein and Donna Singletary, Arlington) 1. "Negotiating with Chairman Arafat." (Bob London, Washington) Lessons to be learned from the O.J. trial 7. Tonya wasn't so bad. (Steven King, Alexandria) 6. White Broncos make nice pace cars. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) 5. Idiot racist cops are actually conspiracy masterminds. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) 4. The conscientious murderer always wears properly fitting designer gloves. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) 3. Always use the Lost & Found. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) 2. Handy tip for jurors: Thoughtfully deliberating and carefully reflecting on months of proceedings, dozens of witnesses and reams of conflicting evidence is an arduous task -- but it doesn't have to take all day. (Allan Rostron, N.Y.C.) 1. Marcia Clark ought to have that black thing on her lip checked out. (Bill Moulden, Frederick) Reasons the Cold War should be started again 3. It will give the militias something real to worry about. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) 2. It might keep Bob Hope out of the country more. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 1. Because "C'mon baby, we could be dead in six minutes" just doesn't work like it used to. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Questions that should never be asked at a presidential debate: 10. "Do you think I look fat in this outfit?" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) 9. "Has it ever occurred to you that the Electoral College does not have a football team? Should it?" (Steve Cohen, Reston) 8. "Can I be your press secretary?" (Adam Korengold, College Park) 7. "Who are you? Why are you here?" (Stu Segal, Vienna) 6. "Have you had any affairs with loose, attractive women? If so, may I have their phone numbers?" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) 5. "Would-ums wike some pudding?" (S.W. Green, Carlisle, Pa.) 4. "To candidate Number 1: Where have you been? Why haven't you called? I thought we had something beautiful, something special." (S.W. Green, Carlisle, Pa.) 3. "What one piece of information would be most damaging to your campaign if it were revealed?" (Eric Stone, Arlington) 2. "If you were a man trapped in a woman's body, would you wear conservative flats or radical heels?" (Tina McMullin, Hagerstown) 1. "Excuse me for interrupting, but would any of you gentlemen happen to know exactly how long before a grenade blows up after the pin is pulled?" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: Employment Lines ====================================================================== WEEK 142, published December 3, 1995 Week 142: Exhibiting Bad Tendencies LONDON, Nov. 28 (Reuter) -- The split carcasses of a cow and its calf floating in green formaldehyde clinched Britain's most controversial art award, the Turner Prize, on Tuesday. Artist Damien Hirst won $30,000. "Mother and Child Divided" beat out three finalists, including Beirut-born Mona Hatoum, who submitted a 12-minute video of the inner recesses of her body. The winner has been praised for its presentation of death without disgust or emotion. Some art critics say it contains elements of the Madonna and Child. The Turner prize says its aim is to expand Britons' ideas of what is art. Last year the prize was won by sculptor Antony Gormley, who risks suffocation by making mummified casts of his own naked body. In 1993, sculptor Rachel Whiteread won the prize for filling a London terraced house with concrete, turning it into a mausoleum. As soon as this wire story crossed our desk, we abandoned the contest we were planning. This Week's Contest is to come up with next year's Turner Prize winner. You must describe the exhibit and name it. Optional embellishment: Include an art critic's praise. First-prize winner gets his choice of any item from Dave Barry's gift guide. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 142, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 139, in which we asked you to come up with jobs crummier than yours. Yeah, yeah, we know: Backup shortstop for the Orioles. The Unabomber's mailman. A special thank-you to Post science writer John Schwartz, who informs us that during the early stages of product testing, the company that makes artificial no-calorie fat noticed a problem with, um, butt seepage. This required the company to conduct a medical study in which someone had to function as an official underpants-stain inspector. We agree with John that this is the worst job in the history of the world. Important note: The company reports that the butt seepage problem has now been -- ha ha -- rectified. Winning a special award for actually having had the world's second-worst job is Nicole Stewart of Hughesville, who worked for a summer on a farm as an Assistant Turkey Sperm Collector. Presumably, Nicole had to do all those things the Principal Turkey Sperm Collector, by virtue of his higher standing, refused to do. Nicole wins a realistic rubber severed finger. Before we report this week's results, we proudly announce the winner of the special contest to come up with "Paul Styrene's" real name, a name obviously so awful and embarrassing that Mr. Styrene has chosen to appear in this contest for two years under a goofy alias. Tom Witte of Gaithersburg wins a bag of dried herring from Japan for his entry: "Buckwheat Farrakhan." Back to rotten jobs. Second Runner-Up: Lambada instructor to Al Gore. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) First Runner-Up: Professional Salman Rushdie impersonator. (Jo Burton, Fairfax) And the Winner of the huge plastic Redskins helmet mailbox: The private detective O.J. hires to find the real killer. (Virginia Maggi, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: The first male Hooters waitperson. (J.S. Duke, Tall Timbers, Md.; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The driver of a four-cylinder 18-wheeler. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The guy who has to go around removing all those Sri Chinmoy posters. (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) A baby-corn shucker. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) John F. Kennedy Jr.'s plastic surgeon. (Courtney Knauth, Washington) Hollywood psychic to the extras. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) A tofu salesman in Texas. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) An armpit beautician. (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) A "stunt groin" in a karate movie. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) A Postal Service layoff notifier. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) The guy who must remove Roseanne's tattoo. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The poet laureate of Nigeria. (Mark Pietrowski, Arlington) A truck driver for Nitroglycerine-R-Us. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And last: A huge plastic Redskins helmet mailbox salesman. (Peter Zajac, Springfield) Next Week: What if You Give It a Try? ====================================================================== WEEK 143, published December 10, 1995 Week 143: It's My Parody (& I'll Try If I Want To) What if Shakespeare had written the theme song to "Gilligan's Island"? Now, gentles, sit! And ye shall hear a tale, The story of a voyage marr'd by fate, Commencing from a port of tropic clime Aboard a vessel minuscule, the mate A sailor full of puissance, yet not more Than was his captain. That idyllic shore Sent forth five passengers upon a tour Of but three hours' time; the weather played The strumpet with the ship, her serenade Turned hurricano, and not small at all, Her crew's exertions nurs'd her to the lee Of a long-forgotten atoll. There lamed, Brave Gilligan and his captain dwell beside A merchant rich as Croesus and his bride, A wanton actress, a most learned man, And Mary Ann, Upon the isle for which our play is named! This Week's Contest was proposed by David Smith of Greenbelt, who THOUGHT he was entering the "What If" contest but did not reckon on our willingness to engage in petit larceny when it suits our needs. David wins a toilet bowl night light. The contest is to rewrite any common jingle or theme song in the style of a famous writer. First-prize winner gets a full-size cardboard cutout of George Bush, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 143, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to express grief at the impending demise of Joel Achenbach's "Why Things Are" column, a milestone in American infotainment journalism, and hereby solicits ideas for some NEW cheeseball gimmick for a column to replace it. Best idea gets our choice of a 1996 Toyota Camry or a rubber pig nose. Also, the Faerie wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 140, in which we asked you to come up with "what if" scenarios. Fourth Runner-Up: What if, instead of air bags, they put sharp metal spikes on the steering column? Seat belt use would go way up. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Third Runner-Up: What if the Washington Monument were 619 feet tall? The first slaves wouldn't have arrived at the Jamestown colony until 1619. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Second Runner-Up: What if instead of the speed of light, the "c" in Einstein's equation had been equal to the maximum safe speed of a Ford Pinto? Then, by traveling at a mere 70 mph, we could go back in time to prevent past mistakes. Such as the Ford Pinto. (John Kammer, Herndon) First Runner-Up: What if "what could have been" were not the saddest words? Then the words "the Jerry Lewis Telethon is on again" would have to move up. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the army-issue gas mask: If the glove had fitted They still wouldn'ta convitted. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: What if men really did enjoy being "just held and cuddled"? What would they carry in their wallets -- tiny packets of Snuggle fabric softener? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) What if Agnew were still vice president when Nixon resigned? They would have had to put in a drive-up window at the White House for night deposits. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What if instead of an Easter Bunny, we had an Easter Fish? It sure would be tricky, decorating caviar. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) What if the Hindenburg had been filled with laughing gas? It would still have been a tragedy, but its lighter side might have been a little more apparent to that downer radio guy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What if the French had defeated England in the French and Indian War? We'd be rude pantywaists, too. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) What if Larry King were the host of "Jeopardy!"? All answers would have to be in the form of a loaded question. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) What if the wheel had been invented 10 years ago? The comic strip "B.C." would seem purty darn cuttin' edge. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) What if chickens laid pineapples instead of eggs? Henhouses would need more than just subdued lighting and music to keep the chickens calm. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What if I had a nickel for every time a guy said, "Sure, I'll call you soon..."? (Sue Lin "Croesus" Chong, Washington) What if the Virginia colonists had harvested, consumed and exported marijuana instead of tobacco? The 13 Colonies would never have bothered to try to break away, and if they had, nobody in London would have cared. Later on, those seven marijuana company executives would not have made any less sense when testifying before Congress. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What if Barbara Cartland wrote the plays of William Shakespeare? I don't know ... what if Alfonse d'Amato were the head of the Senate Ethics Committee? I mean, let's not get ridiculous. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What if Jerry Lewis had never been born? The French would consider Soupy Sales a genius. (Rick Hartman, Funkstown) What if Martin Luther were alive today? The Wittenberg door might be covered with 95 little yellow sticky notes. (Michael Jahr, Washington) What if we evolved from reptiles? We would go to McDonald's and order a Big Rat and an order of flies. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What if we had evolved into fishlike forms? Bowl cleaner would be flavored instead of colored. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What if Joseph Romm of Washington and I had not been accidentally switched at birth? Then he would be a super-rich film star married to Demi Moore and I would be just another pathetic loser. (Bruce Willis, Hollywood, Calif.) What if you could take birth control pills for three straight weeks, with one week off, instead of for one straight week, with three weeks . . . What? WHAT?? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) What if the intellectual elite of West Virginia read the Style Invitational? He might get mad. (Michael Jahr, Washington) What if the Style Invitational never existed? I would be mailing proctology jokes to Miss Manners. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: What if there were a weekly contest in a major newspaper, but the winners received only gag prizes, tacky T-shirts and offensive bumper stickers? No one in his right mind would enter! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Next Week: Ask Backward VII ====================================================================== WEEK 144, published December 17, 1995 Week 144: JUST REBUS ALONE This Week's Contest is to come up with a rebus: a phrase or sentence composed of letters, pictures and symbols. You may draw your entry or use cut-out pictures, but it must contain at least two pictures or illustrations from today's Washington Post. Include a translation of the rebus. First-prize winner gets a pair of life-size Lucite legs suitable for modeling pantyhose, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 144, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Tuesday, Dec. 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 141, in which we asked you to supply questions to any of 12 "Jeopardy!" answers. A special mention to Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who labored mightily to produce 15 anagrams for the answer "Betty Rodham Boop," (including "My Patoo Throbbed" and "Drop th' Meaty Boob") but who failed to notice that another of our answers, "Wet Hogs in Hot Pants," was an anagram for "The Washington Post." Alas, anyone who figured that out would have won a 1996 Packard Bell desktop computer with 16 megabytes of random access memory. It now becomes the property of The Czar. Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: A Toothbrush, a Comb and a Ball Peen Hammer. Question: What gifts were brought for baby Jesus by the three not-so-wise men? (Allen Rostron, New York) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: An Aspirin Tablet and Diana, Princess of Wales. Question: What are two bitter white things? (Anthony Cooper, Alexandria; Ellen Lamb, Washington) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: (pic of Hobbes). Who is spending all of his free time these days practicing the line "They're grrrrrreat!"? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) First Runner-Up -- Answer: The Tenor Luciano Buttafuoco. Question: Who sang "Gigoletto"? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the rubber Walter Mondale mask: Answer: Larry S Truman. Question: Who said, "If you can't stand the heat, take off your sweater"? (Mark Goldenberg, Washington) Answer: An Aspirin Tablet and Diana, Princess of Wales What are two things that are hard to get past a gag reflex? (Ellen Lamb, Washington) What was the original, failed title to the fairy tale "The Princess and the Pea"? (Steve Offutt, Arlington) Name two things that are readily available but hard to swallow. (Sarah Shalf and the math department at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill) Answer: A Toothbrush, a Comb and a Ball Peen hammer Name the instruments you need to do your teeth, hair and nails. (Robert K. Durkee, Princeton, N.J.) What did female aides pack for overnight business trips with Bob Packwood? (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) What are three things that would be of no use to you if you were dead? (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Answer: St. Augustine of Hippo, but Not Fat Joe Waldholtz Whose confessions will still be worth a few bucks a year from now? (Robert K. Durkee, Princeton, N.J.; Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga, Tenn. ) Answer: Mailbombs and Broomsticks What precedes "and blisters on kittens" in the evil version of "My Favorite Things"? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) What does Mrs. Unabomber keep in that little space between the fridge and cabinets? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Answer: Larry S Truman After next year's SAT recentering, what is an acceptable answer to "Who was the 33rd president"? (James Christopher, Durham, N.C.) Who was famous for the phrase "The Nyuck Stops Here"? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Answer: The Tenor Luciano Buttafuoco Who introduced to opera the concept of contrapuntal belches? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Who agreed to perform free at Lincoln Center because he thought the concert was at Amy Fisher Hall? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Who can shatter a beer mug with a high note? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What is David Letterman's top reason for not going to the opening of the Long Island Opera? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Whose contract provides for cases of Blatz beer and Slim-Jims in his dressing room? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Ace Ventura and the Hon. William Rehnquist Who are two personalities unlikely to have fragrances named after them? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Who are the stars of the movie "Dumb and Strict Constructionist"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Betty Rodham Boop What is Hillary's alias in the America Online "Spank Me" chat room? (Paul Styrene, Olney) Answer: Twelve Angry Mennonites How many people were in the Million Mennonite March? (Hint: The National Park Service's official estimate was "two.") (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Answer: Wet Hogs in Hot PantsWhat is worse than wet hogs? (Jerry Podlesak, Arlington) Answer: Monstrous Pillars of Interstellar Gas What did the Hubble telescope discover around Uranus? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Richard L. Wong, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 145, published December 24, 1995 Week 145: Looie, Looie At Bob Packwood's office: Casanovas and Ovas At The Playboy Club: Bunnies and Dinosaurs This Week's Contest was proposed by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a mistletoe beltbuckle. Inspired by cutesy-poo signs on restaurant bathrooms (fish restaurants: "Buoys" and "Gulls"; The Outback steakhouse: "Blokes" and "Sheilas") Stephen suggests that you come up with paired, themed ladies' room and men's room signs for various types of public places. First-prize winner gets a canvas shoe-tote bag from the Burning Tree golf and country club, an extremely exclusive value of $20 inappropriate for use by women. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 145, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the subject field. Entries must be received on or before Tuesday, Jan. 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Paul Styrene of Olney for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 142, in which we asked you to come up with the 1996 winners of the Turner Prize, a British art award characterized by the pretentious pursuit of the avant-garde. Second Runner-Up: Twelve toy poodles are shaved to the skin and spray-painted with colorful urban graffiti. They are taken for daily walks in posh suburban neighborhoods. (Laura Farr Collins, Washington) First Runner-Up: The audience is instructed to disrobe completely and put on kimonos. As they walk into the gallery, they see that the floor is clear glass. Crowds of people below are pointing, laughing, videotaping and sketching. Exits are not clearly marked. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the winner of the item from Dave Barry's Gift Guide: Exhibit consists only of notice awarding artist grant for exhibit. It is mounted on wall with masking tape. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Honorable Mentions: "The Sound" -- A looped, silent video of a tree falling in a forest is accompanied by an audio speaker that keeps blaring the word "ouch." (Joseph Romm, Washington) "VA Joe" -- GI Joe dolls with various limbs amputated. "This chilling masterpiece brings home the trichotomy of the innocence of children's play, the horrors of war, and an artist's gratuitous efforts to shock the audience." (Russell Beland, Springfield) A mirror has laser beams aimed at it, such that anyone looking into the mirror to see himself is permanently blinded. "Techno-terrorism on a collision course with vanity and narcissism." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) One million people carrying mobile phones are assembled on the Mall. At noon, they all call one another and get busy signals. (Nick Yokanovich, Arnold) A pressing apparatus is in use. Oil drips from its spout into a container labeled "Baby Oil." The contents of the press are, mercifully, invisible, though a pacifier lies next to it. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) A new audio speaker, used only once to play every known Beatle song, is opened up and its wires soldered together, rendering it forever mute. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) An aspiring artist kidnaps last year's winner, cages him and puts him on display. Respecting the integrity of the work, exhibit viewers ignore his desperate pleas and leave him locked up. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Day In, Day Out" (mixed media, 1995), a 13-room installation -- One first enters a room filled with empty Cat Chow bags and then passes through 12 rooms containing a total of 365 used litter boxes, 31 in the first room, 28 in the second, etc. "This is a breakthrough moment in British art, cynical, nihilistic, unsentimental, capturing the rote of the routine and the natural deconstruction on an artificially imposed taxonomy." (Tim Westmoreland, Washington) "Hard Stones" -- Diamonds, emeralds, rubies and gallstones are covered with chocolate. "A daring exposition of the mysteries of hidden beauty and pain." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Three white Broncos painted with oversize bloody fingerprints and swastikas are suspended by ropes from gallows. TV monitors installed behind the driver's side windshields play excerpts from the chase and Mark Fuhrman's testimony. "Sometimes ebony and ivory don't live together in perfect harmony. A white man in a 'brown' shirt is brilliantly played off against a brown man in a 'white' shirt. The ironic subtlety cuts through you like a knife." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) A rabbit is shaved and human hair is glued to its skin to replace the fur. "A caustic commentary on the cosmetics industry." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) And Last: "Invitation to Disappointment" -- A full colostomy bag is decorated with papier-mache to look like a pinata. Children are told it contains prizes. "With blindfolded juveniles flailing wildly in a frantic effort to win crap, this has captured the essence of the newspaper contest that spawned it." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Next Week: It's My Parody (& I'll Try If I Want To) ====================================================================== WEEK 146, published December 31, 1995 WEEK 146: IT'S LIKE THIS Having a goldfish as a pet makes about as much sense as having a nun as a girlfriend. Watching the Super Bowl on a 1-inch Sony makes about as much sense as reading The Washington Post through a pair of binoculars. Lugging around a boom box the size of a coffee table makes about as much sense as playing a grand piano in a marching band. We came up with This Week's Contest the other day while leafing through our dog-eared copy of Kant's "Critique of Pure Reason" (f1) and thought it would be a good idea to borrow (f2) from one of his precepts (f3) for Week 146. Your challenge is to produce an A and a B to complete the expression, "A makes about as much sense as B." First-prize winner gets a hideously realistic slice of plastic cheesecake above which hovers a spoon, suspended by a hideously realistic cascading pillar of congealed red cheesecake topping, a value of $20. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts, now, at last, in shocking yellow. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 146, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Footnotes from above: (f1) Actually, Mad magazine. (f2) Actually, steal outright. (f3) Actually, the entire concept, lock stock and barrel; if it were any more stolen, you'd have to buy it on the street from a guy in a trench coat. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 143, in which you were asked to rewrite ad jingles or sitcom themes as they might have been wrought by famous writers. Second Runner-Up If Geoffrey Chaucer wrote the theme to "The Brady Bunch": ... Through marriage a fam'ly was yborne And stuft were their lives alway with corne. This is how the Brady Bunch was mayde(And Alice was by Ann B. Davis playde.) (David Hertzig, Alexandria) First Runner-up If Dr. Seuss wrote "The Beverly Hillbillies" theme: His family was hungry So all Jed could do Was hunt hunt hunt hunt All the long, long day through. And then Something went POP! How that pop made Jed stop! He looked! And he saw it,right there in the soil. He looked! And he saw, in the soil it was oil! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me NOW! It's fun to be rich But you have to know how. And all of Jed's aunts And all of Jed's uncles Jed's twice-removed cousins And second kerplunkles, Said, "Jed, you must move, You must move very far." So they packed, packed, packed, packed This and that in their car. They passed purple pools, And some oddly shaped poodles Movie stars' homes And imported foodoodles. They found a fun place To set up their stills. They set up their stills In Beverly Hills. Please come again, We like you a lot! At the very same time To the very same spot. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And the winner of the life-size George Bush cutout: If Edgar Allan Poe wrote the Alka-Seltzer theme: At the banquet, I, unswerving, swallowed serving after serving, Though the food was undeserving, and unnerving were my hosts; Now I wrestle with the question of impending indigestion And my stomach burbles blindly with the groans of gastric ghosts. Dare I seek the only hope that reaches deep as my despair? Still, my vicious predilection to a chemical addiction Is as trivial as fiction with this torture to compare. And my soul sighs for the solace that indubitably is -- In the plop, plop, plop, plop Plop, plop, plop And the fizz, fizz, fizz, fizz fizz. (David Smith, Greenbelt) Honorable Mentions: If Geoffrey Chaucer wrote the theme to "The Beverly Hillbillies": The Hillbillie's Tale A man there was, and he yclept Jed; Noble, worthy, poor but contented. Whylom that he ychesen sustinaunce, Became a man of crude (f1) sufficaunce. Goon, saith kindred, to Californie, So ywente for dwellen in the towne of Beverlie. (f2) (f1) Oil, see also "black gold," Texas tea. (f2) Hills, i.e. swimming pools, movie stars; a mythical land. (Steve Daly, Reston) If M.C. Hammer wrote"The Flintstones" theme: Yo, Flintstones Talkin' Flintstones Home boys from Bedrock, Mess with them you history. (Russell Beland, Springfield) If Harvey Fierstein wrote the Marine Corps jingle: We're looking for a few fabulous men. (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) If William Faulkner wrote"The Beverly Hillbillies" theme: Let me tell you about the story of a man named Jed, just a poor mountaineer trying to keep his family fed. But before the story there was the name, not Sutphen or Compson or Satoris, but Clampett, the two syllables clashing against each other like the jaws of a mule, inert and immovable, lashed by a mute, incestuous fate -- the same hungry force that drilled Jed's wayward bullet deep into Yoknapatawpha County's first (and only) oil well, propelling bubbling crude upward from the ground like the sulfurous spew of some alien industrial race, dreaming of black gold and Texas tea. Peering grimly at the outraged earth, Jed saw himself abruptly a millionaire, heard the languorous, compelling voices of his kinfolk, bare toes intruding in the dust as they urged him to move away from there, to forsake his silent, eroded fields for the lush and monstrous pleasures of Beverly Hills. With cold, furious indignant eyes, he saw the loaded truck, creaking under the weight of Granny's endless rocking, while in the back Jethro bellowed joylessly for his lost, unremembered childhood and Elly Mae stretched out her pale, half-naked body, reeking of doom and a faint odor of verbena. "California," Jed whispered, amazed by the utter certainty of his own voice. "That's the place we oughta be." (Bill Montague, Alexandria) If the Unabomber wrote the"60 Minutes" theme: Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick Ba-BOOOM. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) If Stephen King wrote The Washington Post jingle: If you don't get it, it will get you. (Joseph Romm, Washington) If Miss Manners wrote "The Jetsons" theme: May I introduce Jane and George Jetson and their children, Judy and Elroy? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) And last: If Quentin Tarantino wrote the theme to "The Brady Bunch": JULES: So I heard this story, right? VINCENT: About Amsterdam? JULES: No, man, I told you about that. I mean this lady. Very fine. VINCENT: Go on. JULES: See, she had three girls. All blond like her. Pure vanilla, you dig? And the youngest one, her hair was so curly, Tito got his hand caught in it once. Poor [expletive] was stuck there for three days. Had to drink his own urine to stay alive... (Justin Warner, Washington) Next Week: Just Rebus Alone ====================================================================== WEEK 147, published January 7, 1996 WEEK 147: JUST FOR LIFFS Dubuque -- n. A look of reproach given by a child to an impossibly unhip parent. Albuquerque -- adj. Bored silly from having to look at a neighbor's travel snapshots. Cincinnati -- adj. Describes the look of a well-dressed gangster. Okeefenokee -- v. To shake one's head violently in approval. Lubbock -- n. The inadvertent exposure of a plumber's gluteal crack. Milwaukee -- n. A persistent creak in a floorboard that sounds like flatulence. This Week's Contest was suggested by Sherry Marts of Silver Spring, who stole it from a 1983 book by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd. Sherry wins a pirate flag. Adams and Lloyd created a word game called Liffs. A Liff identifies a familiar, tantalizing concept without a word to define it, and pairs it with a perfectly good but underutilized word that just loafs around on maps and street signs. Your challenge is to come up with original Liffs like those above. Place names can be from anywhere in the world. First-prize winner gets a rare vintage set of six inspirational Jim Bakker audiotapes in which the famous evangelist teaches you how to be a good person. The tapes were made in the early 1980s, before Jim was thrown in jail for first-degree criminal sleazeballing, treason, piracy, sedition, poltroonery, bootlegging, pandering, anarchy, and generally being an oily hunk of crap. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 147, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the 'subject' field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 144, in which we asked you to come up with rebuses, using at least two images from that day's paper (This chart was not available). NEXT WEEK: Looie, Looie ====================================================================== WEEK 148, published January 14, 1996 WEEK 148: THE RORSCHACH OF THE CROWD IV This Week's Contest: Interpret these inkblots. Choose one or more. If you rotate an image, make sure you tell us which side is up. First-prize winner gets a four-foot plastic blowup doll of "The Scream" by Edvard Munch, a $40 value. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 148, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 145, in which we asked you to come up with cutesy-poo signs for the doors of public bathrooms. Fourth Runner-Up: At a transvestite bar -- (Men and Women, but the illustrations are reversed) (Jim Tierney, Fairfax Station) Third Runner-Up: At the West Virginia chapter of Mensa -- Menz and Wimmin. (Kurt Rabin, Fredericksburg; Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Second Runner-Up: At the Sigmund Freud Museum -- Cigars and Ashtrays (Jean and Bob Sorensen, Herndon) First Runner-Up: At a Catskills resort -- Ladies and Germs (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the Winner of the shoe totes from the Burning Tree golf and country club: At the Burning Tree club: Men and Exit (Susan Reese, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: At the Headquarters of the National Organization for Women -- Co-Equals and Misogynistic Loud-Mouthed Exploitive Chauvinistic Co-Equals (Tommy Litz, Bowie) At a Barry Manilow concert -- Women and Women (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) At Microsoft -- 0 and 1 (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Robert Hershey, Washington) At Frank Sinatra's House -- Men and Two-Bit Hookers (Helene Haduch, Washington) At RFK Stadium -- Men and Line Forms Here (Tom Neven, Spotsylvania, Va.) At the "Hooked on Phonics" headquarters -- Buouiz and Geurlz (William J. Szymanski, Vienna) At the Palm -- Trophy and Atrophy (Jerry Podlesak, Arlington) At the offices of the Cellmark DNA testing labs -- (a lot of vertical lines for each, in different patterns) (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) At Jack Kent Cooke's House -- Mine and Mine (Jacki Drucker, Arlington) In Hell -- Prostate Problems and Bladder Infections (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) At the Office of Management and Budget -- (two doors; each sign says "Out of order, use other door") (Tommy Litz, Bowie) At an adult movie theater -- Women and 25 Cents Per View (Robin D. Grove, Washington) At a singles bar -- Professional Attractive and Stable SF, and Professional Attractive and Stable SM (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) At Hooters: Men and Employees (Roger Hall, Harrisonburg, Va.) At a kindergarten: Christophers and Kimberlys (Annie Wauters, Washington) At Mama Leone's: Large, Chunky White Gold Pinkie Rings and Three-Carat Emerald Cuts With Two Side Baguettes (Annie Wauters, Washington) On the set of "Geraldo": Men Who Were Once Women, and Women Who Were Once Men (Mark Piotrowski, Arlington) At the Arkansas Jewish home for the aged: Bubbas and Bubbes (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) And Last: At the National Organization for Women: Men and Women(There is nothing "funny" about gender stereotyping in any form, including so-called "humor" in newspaper "contests.") (Joseph Romm, Washington) Next Week: It's Like This ====================================================================== WEEK 149, published January 21, 1996 WEEK 149: O, no! A British visitor to Washington sees crumbling roads, burned-out buildings and shell casings in the street and asks a passing kid, "Who is to blame for this? Do you have the IRA here?" And the kid answers: "No IRA, Mr. -- Marion!" A foreign head of state gives the president of the United States a talking schnauzer. The dog's name, which means "peace" in its country's native language, is, unfortunately, "Caca." The dog gives a news conference in which he affirms the existence of the deity. The headlines the next day read: 'God Not Nil': Caca, Clinton Dog. Lamar Alexander arrives at the Republican National Convention, but the security guard does not recognize him. As proof, he furnishes his picture in The Washington Post. The guard is dubious, and e-mails his supervisor: "Post is ID. Is it SOP?" This Week's Contest was suggested by Jacob Solomon Weinstein of Los Angeles, who wins a can of fish anuses from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. We acknowledge that this is the hardest contest we've ever run. When the history of the Style Invitational is written -- probably by Arthur Schlesinger Jr. -- this may go down as the week no entries were received, no winners were announced, and the Czar was forced to take his own life via toaster. Anyway, the contest is to come up with a palindrome: a line that reads the same backward and forward, and then use it as a punchline to a joke. Only original palindromes, please, of seven letters or more. First-prize winner gets a Richard M. Nixon commemorative plate, stamped with the date of his resignation. A $50 value, this is one of the finest prizes we have ever offered. Not that anyone will win it. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 149, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 146, in which we asked you to come up with statements following the formula "A makes about as much sense as B." Third Runner-Up: Actually reading the Congessional Record makes about as much sense as actually reading what those proverbial million monkeys at typewriters have produced so far. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Entering the Style Invitational to win the prizes makes about as much sense as drying your clothes only to add to your lint collection. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: Telephone sex makes about as much sense as eating a menu. (Steve Cohen, Reston) And the winner of the plastic cheesecake: Furloughing workers to save money, and then paying them for work they did not do, makes about as much sense as a wertzl without the appropriate schmenky. (Alan Evans, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Paying Andy Rooney a million bucks for what he does makes about as much sense as those cute little return address labels you get sent in the mail. Boy are they ever convenient. You just lick the back and it saves you writing your entire name and address. They can be licked but for my money they can't be beat! (Alan Evans, Arlington) A teenager growing a mustache to look older makes about as much sense as painting a racing stripe on a garbage truck to make it look more like a sports car. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Ordering a salad from McDonald's makes about as much sense as going to a health club and just running up and down the stairs to the entrance to work out. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Hiring male waiters at Hooters makes about as much sense as installing urinals in the ladies' room. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Trying to stop your multiple personalities from arguing makes about as much sense as trying to stare down your mother's preserved cadaver. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Trying to keep up with the Joneses makes about as much sense as trying to get down with the Waltons. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Getting a promise from Bill Clinton makes about as much sense as getting a gift certificate from Woodies. (J. F. Martin, Falls Church) Reading the Victoria's Secret catalogue for the sales makes about as much sense as eating Swedish meatballs for the toothpicks. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Mailing in a 40-cent rebate offer makes about as much sense as driving around the block for 20 minutes looking for a parking meter with time left on it. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Smoking cigarettes to lose weight makes about as much sense as donating your organs for the tax deduction. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Flushing a baby alligator down a toilet makes about as much sense as drying off a French poodle in a microwave oven. (Actually, drying off a French poodle in a microwave oven makes about as much sense as eating sensibly and getting eight hours of sleep a night.) (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Having all the aliens on "Star Trek" speak English makes about as much sense as having all the crew members lean to one side when the Enterprise takes a hard turn at warp speed. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Hoping to see my name on Page F2 makes about as much sense as hoping to see my name on the obituary page, which makes about as much sense as hoping to see my name in the list of baseball free-agent signings. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Trying to win a slice of plastic cheesecake makes about as much sense as alphabetizing the numerals zero through 9. 8549176320. See what I mean? (Ralph E. Adams, Fredericksburg) And Last: Faxing in Style Invitational entries at your workplace makes about as much sense as advertising the fact in a major metropolitan newspap... Uh oh. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 150, published January 28, 1996 Week 150: Trial Balloons What are these people saying? First-prize winner gets a framed lithograph of a big-eyed kid holding a big-eyed rabbit, not by famed 1960s incompetent Walter Keane, but by his ex-wife, also named Keane. So it is a genuine "Keane," a $75 value. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 150, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 147, in which you were asked to come up with Liffs, whimsical new definitions for cities, towns or other geographic locations. Yes, many, many people described "Peoria" as that ecstatic feeling one gets from relieving a full bladder. Sixth Runner-Up: Anchorage -- n. The often inane banter that takes place among talking heads on the evening news. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington)Fifth Runner-Up: Toronto -- n. A Canadian Mountie's faithful companion. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Bob Sarecky, Centreville) Fourth Runner-Up: Altoona -- n. The mythical place comic strip characters go when their creators retire. (Mark Jeantheau, Germantown)Third Runner-Up: Bora Bora -- n. A tiresome person who keeps repeating himself. (Paul "Paul" Kondis, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up: Manchester -- n., usu. vulgar. A woman with a small bosom. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) First Runner-Up: Assateague -- n. The condition in which one tires of sitting in the same position for too long. (Bob Sarecky, Centreville) And the winner of the Jim Bakker inspirational audio tape: Sacramento -- n. A communion wafer that purifies both the soul and the breath. (Dave Harstad, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Apalachicola -- adj. Describes a vending machine that dispenses Mountain Dew when "Coke" is pressed. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Illinois -- n. The ability of the chronically sick to get on one's nerves. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Babylonia -- n. A spiel used by sleazy, fast-talking salesmen (Example: "He was giving me a line of Babylonia"). (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Eufala -- n. The high experienced by bungee jumpers. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Pijijiapan (Mexico) -- v. To clumsily type on a keyboard such that many letters are repeated. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Gorky -- adj. Used to describe Russian nerds. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Bethesda -- n. The sound nasal spray makes when you squeeze the bottle (Joyce Rains, Bethesda) Waterloo -- v. To pee in the pool. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Lackawanna -- adj. Describes the state of mind of American men during the two-week period at the end of the year when all college football bowl games are played. (Jim Sherkel, Laurel) Krakow -- n. Medical term for pain suffered from wedgies. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Gdansk -- n. The bleating sound you make when you answer the phone at 4 a.m. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Sebastopol -- n. A greasy politician (Brian Baker, Silver Spring) Darjeeling -- v. Sweetly coaxing your spouse to do you a favor. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Joliet -- n. The kind of woman worth going to jail for. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Punjab -- n. The poke you give someone after telling a bad joke and saying, "Get it? Get it?" (Paul Styrene, Olney) Effingham -- n., A person who jumps up and down, waving, to get attention from behind a television reporter on location. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Kalamazoo -- n. William Henry Harrison's original running mate. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Romania -- n. That annoying condition when a salad bar has only that long leafy bitter lettuce. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Topeka -- v. To look for an empty rest room stall. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Muskegon -- n. The stifling stench of perfume that people leave behind in elevators. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Dumfries -- n. That look one gets on one's face that tells people "I'm laughing, but I really didn't get the joke." (John Feeney, Dale City) Bettendorf -- n. Mississippi riverboat casino jargon for a regular patron. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville Manitoba -- n. A hand so fat that there are dimples over the knuckles. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Burke -- n. A surprise hiccup at the end of a burp. (Paul DeMaio, Burke) Boston -- n. The extra weight a supervisor's opinion has in a supposedly democratic meeting. (Mark Jeantheau, Germantown) Peekskill -- n. The hostile look a woman gives a man whom she has caught surreptitiously glancing at her body. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Wheeling -- n. A sly attempt to coax a prize from a humor contest by employing stereotyping allusions to a pack of buck-toothed rubes. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Kalorama -- n. An all-you-can-eat dessert bar. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Seattle -- n. (SEAT-ull) The amount of space a person covers by sitting. Example: "Joe Waldholtz has a large Seattle." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Worcester -- n. (WOOS-ter) A female wimp. (Brian Baker, Silver Spring) And Last: Andalusia -- The final honorable mention in a contest. (Joseph Romm, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 151, published February 4, 1996 Week 151: Strip Mining Replace "Rex Morgan, M.D." with "F. Lee Rosenblatt, Malpractice Attorney." Replace "The Family Circus" with "The Nielsen Family," a household of illiterate, inbred, bigoted trailer trash who set America's cultural agenda. Replace "Garfield" with "Garfield," a serial on the assassination of James Garfield by a disgruntled office seeker, and other famous acts of political violence by alienated loners. This Week's Contest was suggested by outraged reader Reid Van Nattan of Rosslyn. He wins a "Best of the Chipmunks" cassette. Reid thinks newspaper editors are, to put it mildly, a bunch of simple-minded, spineless, chicken-hearted wusses. He is distressed by what he sees as a recent trend on the comics pages toward "twit family strips," safely uncontroversial features involving cute kids and animals. He is particularly distressed by The Washington Post's recent decision to discontinue "The Fusco Brothers," a sour little cartoon about a detestable lout and his pet wolverine. Reid feels this pandering to wholesome family values has gone too far, and that it is time to develop some comic strips with a real edge. This week's contest: Come up with a concept for a new, controversial strip to replace an existing one in The Post. You don't need a story line or a punch line: just a name for the strip, and a brief description, if appropriate. First-prize winner will receive a signed, framed copy of a fax of a Bob Staake drawing of your concept. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 151, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads, and to clear up a little misunderstanding from last week. Dozens of readers called and wrote to compliment us on the transcendant brilliance of our Ear No One Reads. Ho ho. The incomparable genius of having an ear that did not appear to be funny. What a fabulous bit of existential humor! Well, it turns out that, late Saturday night, someone in the composing room heroically took it upon himself to change the Ear from something funny to something ordinary. We are not sure who did this. We are not sure why they did it. Lips have been sealed. Documents have been shredded. Suspicious suicides have been reported. We have turned this matter over to Bob Woodward, the World's Greatest Reporter, who will get to the bottom of it in a six-month investigation featuring clandestine interviews with sources so secret and powerful even they themselves do not know their true identity. More on this as it develops. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 148, in which we asked you to interpret any of four ink blots. Second Runner-Up: (Blot A, upside down) A pair of giant, cleavage-feeding hummingbirds attack two women involved in a tug of war for the last Wonderbra in the lingerie department. (James Hopenfeld, Arlington) First Runner-Up: (Blot A) In a stunning reversal, crabs get a man. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of "The Scream" by Edvard Munch:(Blot B) The American Bar Association logo: two vultures on a field of billing receipts. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Blot A: (Upside down) Bob Dole wearing his campaign "smile enhancer." (Kirsten Schneider, Fairfax) A supine woman with exposed reproductive tract and several links of sausage draped across her belly. What pervert devised this contest, anyway? Jim Ketchum, Columbia) Mr. Toad and his hat at an X-rated movie. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Blot B: Two flying monkeys, each of which first wonders if the woman who left her tennis shoes and bra at his feet will learn to love him, and then thinks, "Yeah, and maybe a flying monkey will fly out of my butt." (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) (Upside down) The Reliable Source, Annie Groer and Ann Gerhart. (Jim Day, Gaithersburg) Blot C: (With musical notes) Mighty Mouse to save the daaaay . . . (Audrey Scruggs, Alexandria) (Sideways) The Ear No One Reads. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Leonardo Da Vinci even left sketches for the Wonderbra. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Autopsy X-ray shows Elvis's real cause of death: a severely worn-out pelvis. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Blot D: Overlooked footprint recently discovered at the murder site by O.J.'s investigators. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Bad: An octopus is thrown onto the ice during a hockey game. Worse: The Zamboni runs over it. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Georghe Muresan's wisdom tooth. (David M. Magness, Arlington) An octopus with at least a million tentacles, probably more. (Louis Farrakhan, Chicago; Greg Pickens, Alexandria) The Eggplant From the Black Lagoon. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What John Bobbitt's appendage would have looked like if Lorena had had access to a shredder. (Priscilla Pellegrino, Great Falls) A squid on Prozac. (Tim Sweeney, Churchville) (All, see drawing, Mister Drew) The family tree. (Nancy Israel, Bethesda) And Last: (All blots) They are the first four letters of the alphabet. I don't know what your problem was. This has GOT to be the easiest contest I've ever seen. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) ====================================================================== WEEK 152, published February 11, 1996 Week 152: We Are Curious (Yellow) This Week's Contest was proposed by Russ Beland of Springfield, who wins a can of Prairie Belt(R) "Potted Meat Food Product" (ingredients: "beef tripe, pork stomachs, chicken, partially defatted beef fatty tissue, pork fat, beef hearts . . ."). Russ suggests taking any headline anywhere in today's Washington Post and rewriting it in tabloid fashion so the story seems a lot more scandalous and/or lurid than it is. Your new headline must be loosely based on the facts, if irresponsibly exaggerated. This is an exercise in yellow journalism. First-prize winner gets "Tabloid Teasers," a 1991 board game (for three to six players, ages 10 to adult) that, near as we can figure, was so spectacularly unsuccessful we have the only copy in America. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 152, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jennifer Hart of Arlington for today's excellent Ear No One Reads. Also, we have just reviewed the five finalists for a new name for the Washington Bullets -- the Wizards, Stallions, Dragons, Express and Sea Dogs -- and would like to congratulate the Bullets for their populist fan-participation campaign, which worked splendidly except in the sense that all five names are doody. As a public service, we would like to submit a sixth name to the Bulle ts management, for its consideration. It was an entry to the very first Style Invitational, back during Week One in March 1993, submitted by reader Hank Wallace of Washington. It was to be a new name for the Washington Redskins. It didn't win because it was not funny, but it was a terrific name. On behalf of Mr. Wallace, and in the hope it is not too late to rescue the Bullets from a catastrophic decision, we now offer it up: The Washington Clout. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 149, in which we asked you to come up with palindromes -- jokes containing, as their punch lines, sentences that read the same forward and backward. We suspected this contest would be so hard that practically no one would enter, and that whatever entries we did get would be terrible. We were correct, as we always are, except for two things: (1) there was an avalanche of entries, and (2) they were ingenious. Still, we must observe that the challenge of palindromes drove some of you to desperate acts of semantic expedience. ("Okay, so Henny Youngman is sitting in a bar with a Czech hockey player named Esael Pefiwymekat, and . . .) Fourth Runner-Up: How do you address a telegram to Radovan Karadzic? "Bosnia: Main S.O.B" (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) Third Runner-Up: God is visiting San Francisco. He is just a slob like one of us. In fact, he is a stranger on the bus. Up in Heaven, Jesus realizes God is making a huge mistake by not taking full advantage of the tourist opportunities, and sends him a message: "Martyr to God: Do go try tram." (Elena Stover, Bethesda) Second Runner-Up: Joey Buttafuoco was on trial. His lawyer was pleading insanity, but the portly judge was unmoved. Finally, the lawyer lost his patience, and scribbled a note to the judge: "Buttafuoco loco, u fat tub." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) First Runner-Up: The assistant Los Angeles crime lab technician is on the witness stand. F. Lee Bailey asks her: "What did the lab reports show? Why did forensic expert Dennis Fung work on the reports? And anyway, what's it prove? And how do you even know these hair samples came from my client, sister?" She responds: "LAPD lab data saw DNA; Dennis' job; O.J. sinned, and was a tad bald, pal." (Tommy Litz, Bowie) And the winner of the Nixon commemorative plate: What would not be a good way to address the president of Honduras at a news conference? "Yo, banana boy..." (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Honorable Mentions: The Washington Post is boring. How boring? Recently a lawyer came across a page of The Post and put it in his briefcase, mistaking it for a document in a tort case. Someone else stopped him and said, why are you taking that? "It's a deposition," the lawyer replied. "Deposition? No, it is op-ed." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Over dinner of crabs and beer at a local alehouse, Dan Quayle got tipsy and admitted he didn't know what "A Man, a Plan, a Canal -- Panama!" says when spelled backward. George Bush was so embarrassed he sent Quayle to Toronto until the furor died down. The Washington Post headline the next day was, "A Dan, a Crab, a Bar -- Canada!" (Phil Lerman, Chevy Chase) During the recent blizzard, we had so much snow on our roof that the house was in danger of collapsing. I asked the contractor to come and check it out. He said that if I didn't get up on the roof with the snow blower and remove the snow, our house might be leveled. I said, "Are you crazy? I'm not getting up there with that thing. What are my options?" He responded, "Yo, blow or raze, Zarrow ol' boy." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) What was Divine Brown to Hugh Grant? A "lap-level pal." (Stephen Vigneux, Washington) What was it they found in the bloodstains that made them arrest O.J. Simpson instead of A.J. Liebling? A ton of "O," not "A" (Tommy Litz, Bowie) A man goes to a shrink. The shrink's name is Alfred Ziegenthaler, MD. Alfred says, "Let's do word association." The first word is "Mother."Mother 'n' father, Al."Cow."Cow 'n' milk, Al."Lasagna."Lasagna 'n' gas, Al." (Daniel J. Miller, Fairfax) When the laconic, egocentric center on the basketball team was asked what would make his game better, he said, "Mirror rim." (Amy Mindick, Blacksburg) Norman Lear goes to a doctor because he is impotent. The doctor tells him he can be cured only by Jewish women. "But I love all women," the great producer protests. "I have to play the field!" The doctor is adamant -- if Lear wants a sex life, he must limit himself to Jewish women. A few weeks later, a notice is posted at Norman Lear Enterprises Inc., saying the boss will be gone for a while. Where is he? someone asks. "Lear's in Israel." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Which three letters of the alphabet would still enable you to compose every word and phrase used on TV? "An 'N,' a 'V,' an 'A' -- Vanna!" (Tommy Litz, Bowie) I asked the author of the famous Panama palindrome to come up with one for another Latin country, involving, in order, (1) what the country does not have, (2) the usual mode of transportation after a '53 Chevy, and (3) the means to escape. He wrote: "A buck, a yak, a kayak -- Cuba!" (James Driscoll, Hyattsville) Nan: What would be your ideal fishing gear? Bob: Eel, ale, maps, Pamela Lee. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) I went on a blind date once with a weird guy who boasted, "Anybody can be a big-game hunter. I, however, am a small-game hunter. These are my trophies." He opened a row of labeled matchboxes, one by one. "See? Mosquito scalps! Gnat butts! Chigger lips! And this is the newest addition to my collection!" He was so excited, I felt I had to say something, so I enthused: "Oo! Tsetse testes, too?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Satan lets Hitler take roll call in Hell. "Devil?" "Eh, here." "Mad Dastard?" . . . "Mad Dastard!!" "Tardy." Trap, Le Von?" "Here." "Jos. Stalin? "Nil -- at SS." "O.J."? "Er, eh, . . . novel party." "Drat!" "Drat?" "Saddam?" "Drat!" "Saddam??" "Er, eh . . . He lived."(Tommy Litz, Bowie) And Last: Palindromes are easy ysae era semordnilap! (Tommy Litz, Bowie) ====================================================================== WEEK 153, published February 18, 1996 Week 153: Stump Us I should be elected president of the United States because ... My lack of genitalia makes me sex-scandal proof! Today's contest was proposed by Gary Patishnock of Laurel, who wins the following fine anagram of his name: "Any Hock-Spit-Rag" Gary points out that America seems to be lacking political leadership right now, as evidenced by the posse of pinheads running for president. He wonders if it might be time for a dark-horse candidate such as yourself to break free of the pack. All you need is a winning platform. Gary suggests that you complete the above phrase, in one sentence only, and launch your campaign. In addition to getting invaluable publicity in a major American newspaper (pols call this a "bounce"), the first-prize winner, and presumptive next president of the United States, receives a wooden horse's-ass tie tack handcrafted by world-class duck decoy carver Robert Lord Jr. It was donated to The Style Invitational by Leslie P. Campbell, who did the painting and detailing work. The tail itself was donated by Lady Patricia, a racehorse currently residing at Linda Albert Stables at the Bowie Training Center. The pin is worth $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 153, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Ned Bent of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Also, we wish to thank several readers who called and wrote to point out that they checked, and contrary to last week's Ear, the word 'gullible' is indeed in the dictionary. Boy, are our faces red. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 150, in which we asked you to tell us what these people were saying. For only the second time in three years, we are awarding a special prize for a great, funny entry that was too revolting to print. How revolting? We tried it on three colleagues and they all died. Congratulations to John Kammer of Herndon, who wins a T-shirt and the contempt of all decent people everywhere. Second Runner-Up (Cartoon D): Exactly when did Fruit of the Loom start using repo ladies? (James P. Senft, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up (Cartoon A): The West Virginia School of Medicine has invited me to administer the Hippocratic oath to its graduates. (Allison Kamat, Washington) And the winner of the framed Keane painting:(Cartoon A): Because of cutbacks in government funding, there have been some small changes in the federal Witness Protection Program. (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: In honor of the long tradition of fat players, such as John "Hot Lunch" Williams and Kevin "Roast" Duckworth, we present Hippy, the mascot of the newly named Washington Buffets. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) For Halloween, I'm going as a hippopotamus's uvula. (Jonathan Roslyn, Alexandria) Hi, I'm Hippo-crit, the official mascot of the Senate Ethics Committee softball team. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Some exhibits at the National Zoo have been impacted by fiscal downsizing. (Patrick Brown, Woodbridge) Cartoon B: Hi, I'm Elizabeth Dole, with a public service announcement from the American Red Cross. We thank you for the response to our recent appeals for blood and for money. We do ask, however, that the donations be made separately. (Noah Meyerson, Cambridge, Mass.) There's venom coming from the Nixon stamp! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Stand back! This might be from the Unapuker! (Thomas Brenner, Arlington) I TOLD them not to send it postage dew. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) He must have misheard me. I distinctly said "E" mail. (Scott Vanatter, Fairfax) Those neighborhood kids are so lazy, now they're MAILING their water balloons. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Oh boy, my O.J. video has arrived! (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Uh-oh, not another sob story from my deadbeat brother-in-law. (Susan Reese, Arlington) I don't think this Pus-of-the-Month Club is going to work out. (Philip Delduke II, Bethesda) Cartoon C: This is the worst ad campaign for Godiva truffles ever. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring; Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Long live the other white meat. (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg; Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Tommy Litz, Bowie) Hi! I'm Bob Porkwood. (John Kammer, Herndon) Welcome to the Central West Virginia High School interpretation of the story of Lady Godiva. (Gloria Federico, Springfield) Cartoon D: No, I don't know what happened to your gerbil. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) So, Mr. Hoover, do I pass the Bureau's entrance exam? (Joseph H. Sisk, Arlington) Are you sure people really want to see an anatomically correct snow angel? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Doctor, I am grateful for the rectal exam, but I came here because of this wart on the side of my head, which looks like a woman holding a purse. (Jonathan Roslyn, Alexandria) That's the last time I wrestle with YOU, du Pont. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) But Mom, all the kids are wearing their pants this low. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Okay, Hillary. I give up. You can wear the pants. (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) Are you sure Ned Beatty started this way? (J.F. Martin, Falls Church) Cartoon E: I realize the EPA has had cutbacks just like everyone else, but it's too much to expect me to clean up the Chesapeake with a washtub, a broom and a giant tampon. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) "In case of attack, repel enemy with oar and set broom on fire to use as signal flare." Man, these Navy cutbacks are getting grim. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Thanks to a $100,000 Pentagon grant, we will soon know which of these is better for propelling a boat! (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) This is what I get for signing up with the Clinton administration: a broom for sweeping things under the rug, a paddle for when I get sent up the creek, and a lifeboat for the sinking ship. (Scott L. Vanatter, Fairfax) I kept getting starboard and port mixed up, so now I just say "oar side" or "broom side." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) ====================================================================== WEEK 154, published February 25, 1996 Week 154: Enter Laughing "Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Your underwear." "Your underwear who?" "Your underwear the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent." This Week's Contest: Make up a knock-knock joke. The subject of the third line must be something either 1) rude, 2) silly or 3) profound. First-prize winner receives a numbered lithograph of an original 1935 Little Lulu cartoon (we get the good stuff, don't we?), a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 154, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 10071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 4. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 151, in which you were asked to come up with concepts for new, edgier comics to replace strips that currently appear in The Post. One observation: We tapped a mother lode of resentment. Readers feel they are being overrun with comics that are cute and wholesome and demographically diverse but lack that quality best described as "humor." Out of respect to the cartoonists involved, we will not enumerate which strips came in for the most withering criticism; you will have to read between the lines. Anyway, many people suggested replacing "Momma" with "Yo Momma," a strip that gratuitously insults the reader ("Yo momma so fat her shadow weigh 50 pounds"). Also, replacing "Hagar the Horrible" with "Haggar the Horrible," a strip featuring woeful tales of men in ill-fitting polyester slacks. Ten people suggested replacing "Sally Forth" with "Sally Fifth," the story of a modern woman who has it all, including a serious drinking problem. Fourth Runner-Up: Replace "Dennis the Menace" with "Dentist the Menace," a character based on the Laurence Olivier character in "Marathon Man." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Third Runner-Up: Replace "Crock" with "Crack," the travels of a refrigerator repairman. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Second Runner-Up: Replace "The Family Circus" with "The Simpson Circus." In the first episode, O.J. denies involvement in the double murder, instead coyly blaming it on "Not Me" and "Ida Know." (Brian K. Herget, Springfield) First Runner-Up: Replace "B.C." with "P.C.," a cartoon that avoids humor that might offend women, minorities, foreigners, fat people, old people, gay people, people with substance-abuse problems or speech impediments or congenital handicaps or any other physical condition or behavioral anomaly that might otherwise be subject to uncharitable stereotyping. The strip is as funny as an embolism. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of this cartoon: Replace "Peanuts" with "Prunes," a strip about doddering oldsters who think, talk and act like children. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Honorable Mentions: Replace "Barney Google and Snuffy Smith" with "Buffy Smith-Google." A super-deb battles chipped nails, runny mascara and her arch-nemesis, split ends. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Don't change the strips, just change the nature of the situations. For example, in "Family Circus," Daddy can be working under the car when the jack slips. Bleeding to death, he tells Billy to get help quickly, but Billy runs all over the neighborhood in this zany dotted line, climbing fences, picking flowers, stopping to play with Barfy, etc. (Steve Silberberg, Washington) Replace "Crock" with "Crock." Republicans present a plan to cut taxes while balancing the budget in seven years. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Replace "The Family Circus" with "The Circus Family," the madcap adventures of a bearded lady, her Siamese-twin husbands and their wolf-boy. (Alan Feyerherm, Arlington) Replace "Non Sequitur" with "Ad Hominem," in which the characters are national political figures who avoid substantive issues by attacking each other's sex lives, military records, etc. (Phil John, Arlington) Replace "Garfield" with "Garfeld," the story of a neurotic cat living in New York with his kvetchy friends. (Paul Styrene, Olney; Randy M. Wadkins, Silver Spring) Replace "Tank McNamara" with "Think-Tank McNamara," in which an ace Heritage Foundation analyst argues, week after week, for such measures as abolishing the school lunch program to finance a capital gains tax cut. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Replace "Beetle Bailey" with "Liver Fluke Bailey," an even more comically sluggish soldier. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Replace "Apartment 3-G" with "Apartment 3-F," a continuing police drama about the stakeout of Apartment 3-G. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Replace "Snuffy Smith" with "Snuff Smith," the adventures of a hit man. (Brian Baker, Silver Spring) Replace "Peanuts" with "Biscotti," the story of an attractive group of twentysomethings who spend all their time drinking latte ... the strip is filled with poignant and witty reflections, such as "What's so good about grief?" (Steve Daly, Reston) Replace "Rex Morgan, M.D." with "Lakshmanan Sathyavagiswaran, M.D." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Replace "Non Sequitur" with "Double-Entendre," a strip filled with dirty jokes so subtle and cunning no one gets them. (Cathy Ramuglia, Lorton; Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Replace "The Family Circus" with "I Strangled Billy ... " (John Kammer, Herndon) Replace "The Born Loser" with "The Born-Again Loser." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Replace "B.C." with "B.S.," a strip that follows the doings of a group of Washington power-mongers and policy wonks. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 155, published March 3, 1996 Week 155: Comparison Shopping The former Yugoslavia A white Ford Bronco A $4 haircut The devoted followers of Pat Buchanan A bowling ball The Washington Wizards That gap between Letterman's teeth Butt cleavage Gaithersburg, Md. Bob Dole's grandfather A pound of poop A pound of aluminum A pitchfork That dog on "Frasier" Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law Pringles with olestra Those Ads featuring Ronnie Mervis, of Mervis Diamond Importers, Inc. This week's contest was suggested by Russ Beland of Springfield, who wins the fabulous Disaster of the Month Calendar, a gigantically scientific 1996 calendar that is not at all gratuitously lurid except for the enormous photographs of horrific diaster scenes, one a month. Russ suggests that you explain the difference between any two of the above items. (As in "What's the difference between that dog on "Frasier" and a pound of aluminum? Only one of them should be put in the microwave.") First-prize winner gets an "Alien Autopsy" videotape, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 155, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 10071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Malcolm S. Forbes Jr. of Bedminster, N.J., for today's Ear No One Reads, plus his $ 10,000 contribution to the Style Invitational. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 151, in which we asked you to play tabloid journalist, submitting new, lurid headlines for real stories in that Sunday's Post. Fourth Runner-Up: Story reported president's departure from Washington with aides for a quick campaign appearance. CLINTON LEAVES WIFE (Rodney and Joyce Small, Herndon) Third Runner-Up: Story described an execution. Texans Watch Killing, Do Nothing (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Second Runner-Up: Sports story reported that golfer Lennie Clements held on to the lead after three days at the Buick Open. Californian Shoots 201 During 3-Day Spree in Buick, Continues to Elude Pursuers (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) First Runner-Up: Story reported that the recipient of an ape's immune cells was feeling so good he had resumed an active lifestyle, even going boating. Baboon-Man Escapes! (John Kammer, Herndon; Bruce Johnson, Annapolis) And the Winner of the Tabloid Teasers board game: Story reported on consecutive victories by George Washington University's men's (seven games) and women's (11 games) basketball teams. College Men, Coeds Streak to 7-Eleven (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: Story reported an Immigration and Naturalization Service raid at a Bethesda restaurant. Aliens Captured Alive Near Nation's Capital! (Russell Beland, Springfield; Tommy Litz, Bowie) Story reported flooding in the Northwest. 30,000 Wet T-Shirts! (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Story reported the community's uneasy acceptance of expanded Navy bases in Maryland. Populace to Submit to Sailors' Base Desires (Jim Proctor, Bethesda; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Story reported on the status of a donation drive to repair the canal. $ 400,000 Poured Into C&O Canal (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Story reported that Garry Kasparov conceded defeat in his first game against a computer. Machine Crushes Man Before Mate! (Phil John, Arlington) Story reported that cellist Yo-Yo Ma had persuaded pianist Emanuel Ax to accompany him in a Schubert concert. MA TAKES AX TO COMPOSER! (Fred Dawson, Beltsville, R. Gregory Capaldini, Arlington) Story reported on the race for the second-place finish in Iowa. Buchanan Strains for a Number 2 (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And last: Replace The Washington Post with The New York Post (Russell Beland, Springfield). ====================================================================== WEEK 156, published March 10, 1996 Year Four (Week 156): Hyphen the Terrible Sto-ber, v. To indignantly declare one's sobriety while drunkenly inserting consonants into words Man-ceptance, n. Female acknowledgment that the toilet seat will always be left up Commit-lustrating, v. The application of grafitti onto the walls of a hospital room by a psychiatric patient This week's contest was suggested by Fred Dawson of Beltsville, who wins total spiritual enlightenment, and a drinking duck. Fred proposes that you create a new word by combining the first half of a hypenated word with the second half of a different hypenated word. Both words must appear in the same story anywhere in today's Washington Post. Each entry must provide a definition for the newly created word. Make sure you tell us which story your word is chosen from. The examples above are based on hyphenated words appearing in today's Miss Manners column. First-prize winner gets a pair of 1960-era paintings, framed in plastic, featuring big-eyed teenyboppers dancing the Frug, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 156, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads, and Joseph Romm of Washington for last WEEK'S EAR. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 153, in which we invited you to tell us, in one sentence, why you should be elected president of the United States. Report from Week 153, in which we invited you to tell us, in one sentence, why you should be elected president of the United States. But first, we want to share a letter from Jennifer Hart, of Arlington, winner of Week 149's first prize, a four-foot-high inflatable doll of Edvard Munch's "The Scream." Jennifer observes that the prize came with an instructional brochure warning you not to use it as a life preserver. "What kind of sick pervert," she writes, "would throw a Scream doll to a drowning man?" We also would like to acknowledge receipt of an entry from little Jake Knanishu, 4, of Hyattsville. Jake becomes the youngest entrant to date! We'd print his entry, except it was not juvenile enough. Fifth Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because this country needs a real mother to lead it, not just someone people call a real mother. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Fourth Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because eggs are about $1.30 a dozen. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Third Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because with me, you don't get Hillary, too. (Gary Mason, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because I, um, sort of told my mom that I already am president. (Stephen Breton, Herndon) First Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because no woman would ever remember having had sex with me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the horse's-ass tie tack: I should be elected president of the United States because it would drive Ross Perot absolutely nuts. (Dan Kravitz, Warrenton, Va.) Honorable Mentions: I because "(Alison Kamat, Washington)" is an anagram for "I am a gal that knows no sin." (Alison Kamat, Washington) I because I will give my State of the Union speeches using a hand puppet. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I because I think I can persuade France to make the "West Virginia Purchase."(Stephen Breton, Herndon) I because nobody would expect too much from me. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) I because America needs growth and I have one. Wanna see? (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) I because my juvenile records are sealed. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I because I already have better name recognition than Morry Taylor. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I because I will not lie on you. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) I because when the time comes, I will resign quietly rather than putting the nation through a constitutional crisis. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I because I will propose legislation making it a criminal act for an Anglo newscaster to try to sound Hispanic when pronouncing a Hispanic name. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I because when people talked about the horse's ass in the White House, I'd know they were talking about the tie tack. (John Kammer, Herndon) I because I have campaign experience and also because my race, gender and past will never be an issue.Q"Anonymous," Washington (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) I because I could defeat Pat Buchanan in a battle for the soul of AmericaQSatan, Hell (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) I because I did such a good job last time. QShirley MacLaine (Russ Beland, Springfield) I because I think I'd look really good wearing that crown thing. QKato Kaelin (Russ Beland, Springfield) I because at a mere 5 feet 8, I can walk under rotating helicopter blades without stooping. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) I because each vote for me is one less for Charles Manson. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) I because it would be great to see Hell freeze over. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) I because I do not condone negative campaigning like my necrophiliac opponents. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) I because I, alone among the candidates, can fully appreciate the cool sensuousness of satin women's undergarments as they caress my nether regions. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I because I will name Chuck Smith secretary of the posterior. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) I because it would make the people down South danged proud to have a "President Earl." (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) I because "President Patishnock" sounds so great. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) I because none of my dates has pressed charges, so far. (Lance W. Seberhagen, Vienna) I because it would decrease my commuting time considerably. (Don Coleman, Alexandria) I because I will put a mirror over the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And last: I because imagine the prestige The Style Invitational would have if the president regularly entered. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Next Week: Enter Laughing ====================================================================== WEEK 157, published March 17, 1996 Week 157 : Warning signs 1. You might be about to lose your job if 2. Your spouse might be having an affair if 3. You might be humor-impaired if 4. You might be getting too fat if the flight attendant tells everyone to buckle up, and you to "do your best." This week's contest: Complete any of the above four sentences. First-prize winner gets a copy of what may be the most boring and the most dishonest book ever printed. "Intestinal Stasis and Constipation" is a handsome, 109-page alleged medical text published in 1916 by E.R. Squibb & Sons. It consists exclusively of testimonials to a product called "liquid petrolatum," manufactured by E.R. Squibb & Sons. This is a value of $20. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 157, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Also, a challenge: A couple of people came up with an interesting knock-knock conceit, but could not deliver a funny punch line. Can you? Here it is: "Knock." "You mean, knock knock, don't you?" "No, just knock." "Okay, who's there?" "Boutros." "You mean Boutros-Boutros, don't you?" "No, just Boutros." "Okay, Boutros who?" Best punch line wins a drinking duck. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 154, in which we asked you to write knock-knock jokes. A tough, tough week. Many people ignored our edict that the third line had to be something crude, silly or profound; therefore, several otherwise worthy entries were disqualified, including this nifty one from Joseph Romm of Washington: Knock knock. Who's there? O.J. O.J. who? Uhhh . candygram. Uhh pizza man Anyway, it was tough sledding, proving that the knock-knock joke remains the lamest form of humor, with the possible exception of Bazooka Joe comics. Gary Patishnock of Laurel summed it up best: Knock knock. / Who's there? / The Czar. / The Czar who? / The Czar really lousy entries this week. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: Knock knock. Who's there? Werewolf. Werewolf who? Werewolf to see the Wizards, the wonderful Wizards of Abe.(Phil Reiser, Charlottesville) First Runner-Up: Knock knock. Who's there? F.U. F.U. who? F.U. don't get it, you don't get it. (K.C. Bahry, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the Little Lulu cartoon: Knock knock. Who's there? Diarrhea. Diarrhea who? Diarrhea'll be a big problem in the Whitewater controversy, Mrs. Clinton. You want we should steal it from Mr. Foster's office for you? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Honorable Mentions: ... Sartre. Sartre who? Sartre hear about your auto accident. (Thomas Durmick, Arlington) ... Anus. Anus who? Anus the worst grammarians in the whole world? (Todd Moore, Burlington, N.C.) Grey Poupon. Grey Poupon who? Grey poupon the carpet means the dog's been eating bones again. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Phlegm. Phlegm who? Phlegm-ingos sure have a whole lotta neck to hock up them loogies. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Vermeer. Vermeer who? Vermeer pennies a month, you too can own this fine original art (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Anonymous" "Anonymous" who? Right. Like I'm going to tell you for less than $100,000. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Knock knock. Who's th Hey, if this is some juvenile reference to "knockers," I'll slap you with a harassment suit so fast your head'll spin? Got it? Good. Who's there? Never mind. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A client of the Federal Witness Protection program. A client of the Federal Witness protection program who? I think you are missing the point here. (J.F. Martin, Falls Church) La Marseillaise. La Marseillaise who? Lamar, say yes to a plaid-free wardrobe. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Gladys Nazi dogs. Gladys Nazi dogs who? Gladys Nazi dogs, aren't you? Though "Wizards" isn't much better. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And last: Tuchus. Tuchus who? Tuchus forever to slog through these entries. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Next Week: Comparison Shopping ====================================================================== WEEK 158, published March 24, 1996 Week 158: SO SUE US A lawsuit by Pat Buchanan against the makers of Carlton cigarettes over their slogan "Carlton is lowest." Buchanan claims he is lowest. A defamation of character lawsuit by Ben Bradlee against the makers of Ben Gay. A lawsuit against the weather man because he predicted rain, and it didn't rain, and you took your umbrella to work, and someone swiped it. A lawsuit against a teacher who once told you that you could be whatever you wanted to be, and you wanted to be the starting center for the New York Knicks. This week's contest was suggested by several people, but first by Dan Chaney of Clinton, who wins a yarmulke from the funeral of the Czar's Aunt Ethel. Inspired by a recent news story about a lawsuit involving 3-year-olds in a playground, Dan suggests that you come up with even more frivolous lawsuits. (Spare us the guy who kills his parents and sues for orphan benefits, OK?) This week's first-prize winner gets a truly great prize, which was donated to the Style Invitational by Mark Sublette of Falls Church, who wins a rubber duckie that once shared a bathtub with Linda K. Malcolm of Silver Spring, who wins a Crucifix Fish, a genuine desiccated fish skeleton in the shape of a cross, which was donated to the Style Invitational by Bob Staake, who wins unmerited praise as the "America's greatest living artist." Anyway, the first prize is a copy of "Born Again," the story of the religious awakening of famed Watergate sleazebag Chuck Colson, as related in a dignified 1978 comic book. The comic book officially bears a 39-cent price tag, but for Mark Sublette's income tax purposes, we hereby declare this irreplaceable item of out-of-print Americana to be worth $35,000, and we further declare the Style Invitational to be a nonprofit, charitable institution. Listen, we are good to our people. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 158, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 10071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April Fools' Day. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Tom Witte of Gaithersburg for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 155, in which you were asked to tell us the difference between any two items from a list of 16. Third Runner-Up: What is the difference between a pound of aluminum and Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law? It would take forever to gather together a pound of Saddam's brother-in-law. (John Kammer, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: What is the difference between a bowling ball and the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan? One tries to knock over white, red-necked things, and the other tries to recruit them. (Andy Glendinning, St. Mary's) First Runner-Up: What is the difference between the Washington Wizards and a $4 haircut? Eventually, a $ 4 haircut will grow on you. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) And the winner of the "Alien Autopsy" video: What is the difference between a bowling ball and the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan? A bowling ball requires an opposable thumb. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: The difference between that dog on "Frasier" and a $4 haircut? The dog will lie down when you want it to. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) The difference between a pound of poop and those ads featuring Ronnie Mervis, of Mervis Diamond Importers Inc.? You can swallow the poop.(Joe Koblyski, Gaithersburg) The difference between Gaithersburg, Md., and the gap between Letterman's teeth? Gaithersburg closes up tight at 9 p.m. (Joe Fitzgerald, Silver Spring) The difference between the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan and the former Yugoslavia? The former Yugoslavia has fewer guns. (Marc Lipman, Chantilly) The difference between the Washington Wizards and that dog on "Frasier"? There is no difference. They both bite. (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church) The difference between the Washington Wizards and a Ford Bronco? The Bronco has had a superstar athlete on board in the past decade. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The difference between a pitchfork and the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan? A pitchfork has three or four good points. (John Bauer, Gaithersburg) The difference between the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan and that dog on Frasier? The dog knows when he's licked. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The difference between a bowling ball and butt cleavage? If you don't know, I'm not going bowling with you. (Bill Roberts, Fairfax) The difference between Gaithersburg, Md., and butt cleavage? One is north of the Beltway, one is south of the beltway. (John McMahon, Washington) The difference between a pitchfork and the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan? No difference, they are both Satan's staff. (Lydia B. Kaplan, Westfield, N.J.) The difference between a white Ford Bronco and a bowling ball? You can't get blood from a bowling ball. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) The difference between a bowling ball and that dog on Frasier? One's round with holes, the other is a hound with roles. (Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville) The difference between the Washington Wizards and Butt Cleavage? One was chosen as the new nickname for the Bullets, the other came in second. (Kurt Larrick, Burke) The difference between Bob Dole's grandfather and Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law? One of them was a blood relative of a man who has been in power far too long and is on the verge of leading his nation to ruin, and the other was related only by marriage. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And Last: The difference between the former Yugoslavia and Gaithersburg, Md.? No one from the former Yugoslavia has ever come in last in the Style Invitational. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Next Week: Hyphen the Terrible ====================================================================== WEEK 159, published March 31, 1996 WEEK 159: ODDBALLS This week's contest: Which item in each series does not belong? Explain your answer. First-prize winner gets Laundry Balls, a fabulous prize donated to The Style Invitational by Dave Barry, who gets all sorts of crap mailed to him by alert readers the world over. Laundry Balls are colorful spherical plastic items. We cannot tell you precisely what they do, because we cannot figure it out, so we will just quote the package: "When use washing machine, put 4 balls into washing machine together with laundries. When washing machine operating, those laundry balls turn with laundries by water stream in washing machine. When turning with laundries, the balls prevent to twisting of each laundries and striking the dirty parts on laundries. There is no damage on the clothes when washing due to made of soft plastic. Made in Taiwan." Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 159, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 8. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Joseph Romm of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads. Got a question for the Czar? He will be answering provocative reader questions in an upcoming column. Mail, fax or e-mail your questions to "The Czar's Mailbag" here at the Invitational. The best will win insultingly cheap prizes. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 156, in which you were asked to coin new words by combining the first half of a hyphenated word with the second half of another hyphenated word appearing in the same story in The Post. Fourth Runner-Up: Mer-derloin, n. Chipped beef on toast. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Third Runner-Up: Booby-ding, n. A red line from a poorly fitting brassiere. (Dan Chaney, Clinton) Second Runner-Up: Valu-goslavia, n. The mega-mall that Canadian developers hope will revitalize downtown Sarajevo. (Harry and Gavin St. Ours, Boyds, Md.) First Runner-Up: Over-suer, n. The head lawyer in charge of all the young, slave-driven paralegals in a sweatshop legal firm. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) And the winner of the paired 1960s big-eyed teeny-bopper paintings: Tam-ple, n. The place where women go to pray for a late menopause. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: Yester-plosion, n. What happens when baby boomer nostalgia reaches the saturation point. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Russell Beland, Springfield) Consis-taurant, n. A franchise eatery noted for homogeneity (e.g., McDonald's) (Joseph Romm, Washington) Nag-istration, n. Hillary and Bill's presidency. (Dan Chaney, Clinton) Mush-derloin, v. Result of a kick in the crotch. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Fly-dergarten, n. Where maggots begin their education. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bed-and-pensive, n. A halfway house for depressed travelers. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Glob-ber-surfers, n. Those who skateboard on Manhattan sidewalks. (Greg Diamond, Batesville, Ark.) Authori-burst, n. A tantrum in which an employer asserts his authority for no particular reason. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Some-cere, adj. Being partially honest, as in one's letter to one's mother-in-law thanking her for the pink slacks (e.g., "He was some-cere when he said, `I will put it to good use,' because he was planning on using it to scare the children"). (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Nonethe-voted, v. Having cast a write-in ballot. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Kin-searchers, n. A West Virginia dating service. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Catch-as-catch-and-dance, n. In ballet, the act of tossing a dancer up and hoping to catch her. (Alison Kamat, Washington) Man-thing, n. Miss Manners's preferred anatomical euphemism. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Semi-plogle, n. Half a plogle. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Intersec-tainment, n. small-town fun, watching traffic lights change.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Howev-erence, n. A deep commitment to the philosophy that nothing in life is black-and-white. (Frank Bruno, Alexandria) Suc-ware, n. DOS term for Macintosh products. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cigar-gle, n. Brand name for new tobacco-flavored mouthwash. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Slobo-ville, n. Las Vegas, Nev. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Po-ginia, n. West Virginia. (Robin D. Grove, Baltimore) Tailor-face, n. That wary, slightly puckered expression a fitter has when his mouth is full of pins. (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) Ef-holes, n. People who cut me off on the Beltway. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Gold-greb, n. A Jewish dyslexic. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Degrada-la, n. The opposite of Shangri-La. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Pow-ister, n. A high-profile lawyer. (Brian Baker, Silver Spring) Re-chestrated, v. Topped off the silicone. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Sor-dia, n. Photos used for blackmail. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) And Last: Unfortu-portant, adj. How one feels having one's name appear in The Style Invitational. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Next Week: Warning Signs ====================================================================== WEEK 160, published April 7, 1996 Week 160: Seeking Wise Guys Dead: "In Kevorkian's Rolodex." In prison: "Visiting the Buttafuoco residence." To bribe someone: "Slip him an olestra sandwich." Executed by lethal injection: "Taking the big nap." This week's contest was suggested by Lazarus Krattenmaker, of Landover Hills, who wins what might be the dorkiest coffee-table book ever published, "365 Ways to Make Love" by Lori Salkin & Rob Sperry. (Way 32: "Wear cowboy boots and play slow country music in the background.") Anyway, Krattenmaker suggests that old, colorful tough-guy Mafia euphemisms like "sleeping with the fishes" or "singing like a canary" are in serious need of modernization. Your challenge is to come up with cool new bad-guy terms. First-prize winner gets a ceramic coffee mug from Alaska featuring, in the bottom, actual caramelized moose poop. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 160, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 10071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Paul Kondis, of Alexandria, for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 157, in which you were asked to complete any of four sentences. Sixth Runner-Up: You might be getting too fat if you distort the space-time continuum when you walk. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Fifth Runner-Up: You might be getting too fat if you no longer can fit into your wedding muumuu. (David Benser, Vienna) Fourth Runner-Up: You might be getting too fat if you steer with your breasts to leave your hands free for eating. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Third Runner-Up: Your spouse might be having an affair if he/she keeps having to work late at the DMV. (Phil Jacobson, Vienna) Second Runner-Up: Your spouse might be having an affair if the mink coat she won at bingo has been giving her a headache. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) First Runner-Up: Your spouse might be having an affair if you're a woman. (William F. Guida, Gaithersburg; John Kammer, Herndon) And the winner of "Intestinal Stasis and Constipation": You might be about to lose your job if you open fire with your AK-47 and, in the ensuing excitement, completely forget about your mail route.(Stephen Breton, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: Your spouse might be having an affair if you keep seeing the same naked man in the bedroom closet. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) the president keeps calling her at all hours of the day and night. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) she appears on the Ricki Lake episode "I'm Having An Affair and Don't Know How to Tell My Husband." (John Kammer, Herndon) your kids start calling you "Daddy Greg." (Greg Arnold, Herndon) he/she appears to be shopping around for a professional assassin. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) during sex, she keeps crying out, "To whom it may concern!" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) she's laughing a little too hard at these entries. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) You might be getting too fat if the dog starts hiding its food. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) you sometimes forget which sex you are. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) you keep eating edible underwear, one pair after another, right out of the box. (Russ Beland, Springfield) at the riding stables, horses break their own legs when they first catch sight of you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) you switch from plain butter sticks to sugar-frosted. (John Kammer, Herndon) editorial cartoonists start drawing you looking real porky and jogging to McDonald's. (Russ Beland, Springfield) the perfect height for your weight is approaching 12 feet. (Susan R. Hoffmann, Rockville) You might be about to lose your job if your dad gets fired for nepotism. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) the hospital begins to frown on "eye-openers" and "hair of the dog that bit you" in the operating room. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) you finally are assigned an intern, but it is a chimp. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) You might be humor-impaired if you do not laugh when watching a dog dragging his butt across the grass. (Don Coleman, Alexandria) you don't get this: Bite me! (John Kammer, Herndon) you can never see the lighter side of natural disasters that leave hundreds dead. (John Kammer, Herndon) when telling the joke about how you can tell a blind man at a nudist colony, you give the punch line as "It isn't difficult." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) you don't understand why the chicken would want to cross the road in the first place. (Fraser A. Kadera, Springfield) you think there is anything remotely funny about TV weathermen taking credit/blame for sunshine/rain. (Joseph H. Sisk, Arlington) you just can't seem to think of things that are funny. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga; David Genser, Vienna) And Last: You might be about to lose your job, your spouse might be having an affair, you might be humor-impaired, and you might be too fat if you walk in on your wife and your boss in bed, and she says, "You fat slob, can't you see that the joke's on you?" (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) Next Week: So Sue Us ====================================================================== WEEK 161, published April 14, 1996 Week 161: Tourist de Force Do try out the famous echo in the center of the main reading room of the Library of Congress. On downtown street corners, prostitutes may be reliably identified by the displays of colorful neckties beside which they stand. On the Metro, your fellow riders will take offense if you do not personally shake hands with each of them before taking your seat. This week's contest is to come up with very, very bad tourist advice for first-time visitors to Washington. The contest was suggested by Winslow Tuttle, of Washington, who stole it from Christopher Hitchens, who wrote about it in last month's Vanity Fair, citing a contest held years ago by the New Statesman, which is evidently some sort of smug Brit magazine deserving of our contempt. We have never before awarded a prize to someone who stole a contest from someone who stole it from someone else, and we frankly found ourselves up against it trying to come up with a sucky enough prize, but we think we have it here. Winslow wins a practically new trial-size squeeze bottle of Afrin(R) nasal spray, used only in one nostril. The contest's first-prize winner gets a realistic, battery-operated rubber pulsating hand generously donated to the Style Invitational by Kevin Mellema, of Falls Church. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 161, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 10071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 158, in which you were asked to come up with frivolous lawsuits. But first, some housekeeping. It has come to our attention that we have recently misattributed at least a few winning entries; there may well have been more, but for some reason, readers tend to be hesitant to point out our errors, silently and stoically accepting them as one might accept an act of God. This is ridiculous -- you would think they fear petty retribution for daring to assert themselves. Anyway, several readers have actually complained, and we checked into it, and they were right, and we would like to hereby forthrightly set the record straight: In the hyphen contest, the disgusting F-word entry should have been attributed to Jean Sorensen, not Jennifer Hart. The somewhat predictable Ear No One Reads about chain letters was by Jonathan Paul, not Russell Beland, whose work tends to be far more creative. We accidentally misspelled David Genser's name, possibly because it sounded wrong, like an eructation. And it was not Kevin Cuddihy but Vance Greer who came up with the scenario of one's cheating wife getting a headache from the fur coat she won at bingo -- a concept that seems just a little too detailed to have arisen entirely from one's imagination, if you get our drift. Anyway, apologies to all. As to the frivolous lawsuits: Second Runner-Up: A lawsuit against Baskin-Robbins because a customer put a cone between his legs while driving and froze his groin off. (Paul DeMaio, Burke) First Runner-Up: A negligence suit against United Airlines for failing to provide toilet paper on the serving cart alongside the honey-roasted nuts and liquor. (Kitty Thuermer, Washington) And the winner of the "Born Again" comic book: A lawsuit by your heirs against the police department for drawing a chalk outline around your corpse that made you look three sizes too large. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Honorable Mentions: A lawsuit by Hugh Grant against Ford because the Escort is not equipped with a prostitute. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) A lawsuit by F. Lee Bailey against himself for bad legal advice. (Jim Day, Gaithersburg) A lawsuit by Jeffrey Dahmer against Procter & Gamble because a Head & Shoulders bottle is filled with a viscous blue fluid and not tasty body parts as advertised on the label. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) A lawsuit by Ross Perot against the makers of Ty-D-Bol for "puttin' that little spy in my toilet." (Brian Herget, Springfield) A lawsuit against Michael Jackson because A-B-C is not easy as 1-2-3. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) A lawsuit by Dracula against the surgeon general for not requiring warning labels on crucifixes. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) A lawsuit against Wendy's for not making their coffee as hot as McDonald's so I could spill it on myself and sue them. (Wayne McCaughey, Columbia) A lawsuit against Apple Computer because it shouldn't give people the idea that you can eat those things. (Ellen Lamb, Washington) A discrimination lawsuit by the Fair Housing and Equal Employment Opportunity commissions against Metro's Red Line, for the obvious. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) A lawsuit by the Ford Motor Co. against Al Cowlings for making the Bronco look slow. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) A lawsuit against the heirs of Dr. Seuss for inducing verbal mania. Plaintiffs seek injunctive relief and damages not to exceed 14.6 gazillion bombadillion fannfannajillion dollars. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A premature-death lawsuit against the cigar industry by the heirs of George Burns. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) A lawsuit by the state of West Virginia against the Style Invitational for defimayshin of charikter. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And Last: A lawsuit by Style Invitational contestants against Chuck Smith of Woodbridge in which it is alleged that, by virtue of the many gifts and other gratuities received in compensation from the Style Invitational, he has become a de facto employee of the Washington Post and therefore . . . (Greg Arnold, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 162, published April 21, 1996 Week 162: Pretense, Anyone? May We Have Your Pretension Please? "The eternal debate, Harvard versus Yale, is, for those of us properly educated at the Sorbonne, as banal as 'Ford or Chevy?' in the ears of a Citroen owner." "I winter in Manhattan and the Hamptons." "I have almost no contact with the vulgar classes, and so have no experience whatsoever with pretentiousness." This week's contest is to come up with the most pretentious sentence possible; it may be personally pretentious, as those above, or literarily pretentious, in the style of artists like Billy Joel: "They're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone." First-prize winner gets an antique commemorative plate celebrating the many splendors of Intercourse, Pa., a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 162, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Elden Carnahan of Laurel for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 159, in which you were asked to tell us which item in each group of three did not belong. Third Runner-Up:(Series 1) Both J. Edgar Hoover and a tank can be described as being "built like a tank." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: (Series 3) A toilet and Spam serve a purpose. But Manute Bol in a Klan costume at a parade is a stupid idea and doesn't belong. (Ned Bent, Herndon) First Runner-Up: (Series 3) The monument does not belong because many people have trouble keeping down both the toilet seat and Spam. (Rebecca Simmons, Alexandria) And the winner of the Laundry Balls: (Series 2) Vanna doesn't belong because the only things that are certain in this life are death and tacos. (Christine Jackson, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Series 1: The tank doesn't employ heels. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Denny's is the only one ever likely to be accused of discriminating. (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) The tank won't give you the runs. (Kevin O'Connor, Riverdale) Series 2: "Radioactive Tacos" and "Realistic Inflatable Mad-cow Disease Victim" were April Fools' pranks that Taco Bell rejected in favor of the Liberty Bell ads. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Vanna does not belong. The other two produce gas, but Vanna keeps it safely stored in her head. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) Series 3: Nobody stands in line for Spam. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington; John Bauer, Gaithersburg) Neither flush toilets nor Spam existed when Sen. Strom Thurmond was a boy. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The monument and Spam are meant to last forever; a toilet seat left up indicates someone whose life will shortly end. (Jodi Kolber, Gainesville, Fla.) Spam is the oddball, because the monument and the crapper are named for real people. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Series 4: You never see lawyers following a chocolate bunny around. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) The bunny and the boy are small, sweet and fun, but the ambulance is big and scary -- Michael Jackson, Hollywood, Calif. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) ====================================================================== WEEK 163, published April 28, 1996 Week 163: What Kind of Foal Am I? Breed Robb to Our Secret Affair and name the foal Rubb. Breed Chevy Case to Editor's Note and name the foal Case Is cq. Breed Con Artist to Creative Account and name the foal Fat Joe Waldholtz. Breed Solo Practitioner to Private Video and name the foal Safe Sex. Breed Irish Cloud to Built for Pleasure and name the foal Teddy. This week's contest was suggested for the second straight year by Michael J. Hammer of Washington, who apparently spends a great deal of time at the track in the company of floozies and persons with names like Izzy the Dip. Michael the Tout, who wins a hardcover copy of the Arkansas state constitution, suggests that you take the list of all 1996 Triple Crown nominees (reprinted below), couple up any two of them, and propose an appropriate name for their hypothetical foal. For the purposes of this contest, ignore the horses' genders. The foal's name must fit in no more than 18 characters, including spaces. First-prize winner gets a prize so unspeakably violative of accepted human norms of good taste and decorum, a prize so promiscuously offensive, that we not only cannot describe it here, but we cannot even disclose the nature of the thing that it is, except to say this: The Czar's own personal children, who have learned to tolerate many, many revolting things in their lives, refused to spend one night in the same house as this objet d'art unless it was hidden behind a sturdy piece of furniture. We decided to award this prize only after reading that Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator is going to be sold at auction in Wisconsin. With that as a backdrop, nothing can be considered too tasteless. Anyway, this prize was donated to the Style Invitational by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park, who appears to have obtained it in Hell. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 163, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. "cq" is copy desk language for "Checked and correct." Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 160, in which you were asked to come up with colorful new Mafia terms for the 1990s. Fourth Runner-Up -- In protective custody: "Joggin' with Bubba."(Tex Whitmore, Upper Marlboro) Third Runner-Up -- When an innocent bystander gets killed accidentally in a shootout: "Breathing secondhand smoke." (Russ Beland, Springfield) Second Runner-Up -- To be murdered: "Get an Iraqi divorce." (Tom Dial, Arlington) First Runner-Up -- Poured gasoline on someone and struck a match: "Escorted him to the smoking section." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the winner of the moose-poop cup: Lying low: "Rentin' the old Kaczynski place." (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: To set someone up: To take him to the Vista. (Paul Styrene, Olney) On death row: "In Dr. Kevorkian's waiting room." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Soon to be whacked: Past his freshness date. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ordering an arson: I'd like fries with that. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Torching a building: Negotiating with Koresh. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Dead: In Dahmer's fridge. (Dan Stevens, Glen Burnie) In prison: Making new friends. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Got off with a light sentence for a serious crime: Head-butted the ref. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) In prison: Learning how to share. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Paying protection: Practicing safe business. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Code of silence: Oath of office. (Mike Szydlowski, Woodbury Forest, Va.) Executed by gas chamber: Goin' down with the Hindenburg. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Wear a mask: Go as Tammy Faye. (Robin D. Grove, Baltimore) On life support: Still crankin' out "Peanuts." (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Bullets: Wizards. (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg; Russ Beland, Springfield) To kill someone: Take away all his entitlements. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Whacked and buried: Pushin' up Astroturf. (Eli M. Gateff, Springfield) Dead: Datin' Nicole. (Rick Hartman, Funkstown) An offer you can't refuse: Would you rather take a nap with Lorena? (Vance Greer, Sterling) Hiring a crooked lawyer: Hiring a lawyer. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Bribing the cops: Passing out doughnuts. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Offering a weak alibi: Chipping from the sandbox. (Chelsea Richmond, Falls Church) Taking a bribe: Buying cattle futures. (Bruce Brothers, Alexandria) Double-cross a crime boss: Disgruntle the mail handler. (Justin E. Porto, Woodbridge) Blow up someone when he starts his car: Issue a manufacturer's recall. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) In prison: Living in a gated community. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Killed in a bombing: Went over like Imus. (Ned Bent, Herndon) Squealed: Whispered to Connie. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) To have some bones broken: Get knighted by Gillooly. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Taking the rap for someone else: Feeling his pain. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Hit man: Agent of change. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) And Last: To die: Drink from the moose-poop cup. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Next Week: Capitol Mistakes ====================================================================== WEEK 164, published May 5, 1996 Week 164: Mean Meanings What they say: "I have an amendment to offer . . . " What they mean: "I am appending a meaningless triviality to get my name on the bill . . . " What they say: "I would like to introduce my wife and best friend, who has blah blah blah . . . " What they mean: "My wife is accompanying me to every single campaign stop because she knows I am a bonkomatic who will hit on every Dairy Days Queen in sight if . . . " What they say: "I am stepping down to spend more time with my family . . . " What they mean: "I am about to be indicted . . ." What they say: "I am an ardent supporter of term limits." What they mean: "... starting, of course, after I am dead." This week's contest was suggested by Jeffrey R. Kern, of Montgomery Village, who wins two bottles of Dionysus (R) Drunkenness Dispeller Oral Liquid, a fine product from the People's Republic of China ("Directions: This oral liquid can relief intoxication, defend drunkenness and dispel the effects of alcohol, protect brain cadivasular system from harm, calming the verves and enriching the inteligence . . . "). Jeffrey suggests that you translate things politicians say into what they really mean, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a clear plastic pillow stuffed with shredded U.S. currency, a $25 value. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 164, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Don Cooper, of Burke, Va., for today's Ear No One Reads. We also wish to respond to the many people who called and wrote to say they did not understand last week's Ear: We're sorry but we cannot hear you. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 161, in which you were asked to come up with very, very bad advice to tourists in Washington. Lots of entries informing people about the weekly weenie roasts at the eternal flame and instructing them on how to chisel their names into the Vietnam Wall, how to sign their names to the Declaration of Independence, how to find and use the dining car on the Metro and how, if your cab doesn't have a meter, you ride for free. Fifth Runner-Up: The quickest way to get around town is by "bicycle taxi." They come right up on the sidewalk! Signal one that you wish a ride by standing directly in its path, with your arms spread wide. (Melinda Holcomb, Alexandria; Mary Beth Hastings, Takoma Park) Fourth Runner-Up: Play a game of pickup handball at the unique, V-shaped black marble court on the Mall near the Lincoln Memorial. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Third Runner-Up: Make sure you visit the 19th-century French impressionist "Scratch and Sniff" Room at the National Gallery. (David Genser, Vienna) Second Runner-Up: Give your departed Fido or Tabby a suitable resting place in Arlington National Cemetery; remember to bring your own shovel. (Ruth Donnalley, Falls Church) First Runner-Up: Prostitutes can be identified by their outfits -- ordinary business apparel, incongruously accessorized by sneakers or running shoes. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) And the winner of the groping hand: Fun fact -- according to the Guinness Book of World Records, the youngest person ever to scale the White House fence unassisted was 8 years old! (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: Help keep the nation's capital clean. After entering the Metro through a turnstile, deposit your used fare card in the trash can. (Howard Rosenman, Arlington) If you miss your exit on the Beltway, don't worry. Remember, it's a circle, so just keep on going around, and before you know it, you'll be back at your desired exit! (Laura M. Appelbaum, Silver Spring) Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service agents guarding the president to laugh. (Scott O. Christy, Alexandria) The best way to get to D.C. is to take the Capitol Beltway until you hit the Capitol. (Jocelyn Gill, Gaithersburg) After a long day walking around Washington, enjoy Metro's world-famous butt massagers. Just sit yourself down on any Metro escalator. Remember, stay to the left. (Ruth Donnalley, Falls Church) Flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an oncoming earthquake. Run for your life. (Michael Eisenstadt, Washington) Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court. (Paul B. Jacoby, Washington) Single women should not miss Dupont Circle, where you will find many good-looking unmarried men. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to "soften" them before using the Metro card machines. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) When taking a taxi, ask to see as many "zones" as possible. This is a delightful way to see the city! (Scott Sabey, Falls Church) There's free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI building. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)Help yourself to the mementos supplied at the foot of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, provided by the local business community. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) If you get thirsty while walking around town, stop in at the mayor's residence and ask for some Coke. (Dana E. Wollney, Columbia) No matter how hard you try, it's impossible to extinguish the eternal flame at JFK's grave. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) At the Kennedy Center, rather than "Bravo!," it is customary to shout, "Someone has shot the president!" (J.S. Adams, Washington) To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the person in front of you who is using the ATM. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Going to the zoo? Don't forget your swim trunks for a refreshing dip in any of the conveniently located moats. (Glenn and Beverly Magda, Waldorf) Bring your clubs! Wednesday is ladies' day at Burning Tree. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) If your car sustains pothole damage in the city, bring the broken axle or wheel hub to the D.C. Department of Motor Vehicles for a free, quick, courteous repair job while you wait. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Washington boasts many exciting ethnic restaurants. Ask any policeman to give you directions. Our favorites are Hei Pigh, and Ah Pyourzkop. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Caught in a sudden downpour? Help yourself to one of the free umbrellas thoughtfully provided by downtown street vendors. (Sandra Hull, Arlington; Nigel J. Wallis, London, and Heidi C. Scanlon, Washington) In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or bottom of each escalator and take a "roll call" of everyone in your party before proceeding. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Wednesday is Bingo Nite at the Washington National Cathedral. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) You may lie down on the very bed on which Lincoln died. Take care not to let your shoes smudge the sheet. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Those Army guys marching around the tomb at Arlington National Cemetery may look serious, but they'll be happy to stop and fashion balloon animals for your kids if you ask them. (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Herndon) If you are going to be in D.C. for a week or two, and don't think you will need your car while here, then a good place to park is the short-term lot at National Airport. It is close to downtown and convenient to ground transportation. (Perry Farrar, Montgomery Village) Give Ronnie Mervis a call and ask to see the slides of his trip to Africa. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) And Last: The Style Invitational alone is worth the price of the Sunday Post! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) ====================================================================== WEEK 165, published May 12, 1996 Week 165: Wheel of Fortune 1. A way one might address Satan: -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- A -- -- 2. Common recreational activity in Hell: -- A -- -- -- -- S -- -- -- G -- -- -- -- -- -- 3. Today's menu in Hell's cafeteria: B -- -- -- -- , -- -- -- -- -- -- , -- -- -- -- , and -- U -- -- -- -- . 4. Celebrity often seen in Hell: R -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 5. A serious faux pas in Hell: -- -- -- -- -- ING -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- This Week's Contest was proposed by our own Bob Staake, who recently switched on the TV at an odd hour to find a rerun of "Wheel of Fortune," and watched it, in slack-jawed fascination, for what seemed like 600 hours. Bob decided that Hell would be TV programming featuring 24-hour-a-day "Wheel of Fortune." This week's contest is to complete any of the above phrases. You may reuse a letter already in the phrase, but your solution must otherwise conform to the partial answers given. Bob wins "The Complete Book of Humorous Art," by Bob Staake, North Light Books, a value of $24.95. First-prize winner gets an unopened 1950s-era Chefmaster backyard barbecue shirt and matching chef's hat, a value of $ 30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 165, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland, of Springfield, for today's Ear No One Reads, and to note a slight error from last week. It is almost too trivial to mention, but we, um, awarded first prize to the wrong person. Suffering the indignity of being credited for an entry he did not submit was Phil Plait, who wins this second humiliation, free of charge. The actual winner was M. Schmidtman, whose e-mail entry was perfect except for mentioning 1) who he is, 2) where he lives, 3) whether he is a girl or a boy, 4) what his or her phone number is or 5) how we can reach him or her to send the prize. We await further communication. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 162, in which you were invited to produce the most pretentious possible sentence. Several people submitted real quotes, including this from Patrick Swayze, as reported in GQ: "Good-looking people turn me off, myself included." But the best of the real ones was submitted by Ingrid Newkirk, of Rockville, quoting from an article by Christopher Prendergast in the London Review of Books: "If we are not energised by the surrealistic ambition, this stems in large measure from the peculiar and paradoxical fatigue of a culture simultaneously Post-Modern and fin-de-siecle, in which, by virtue of the former, even the ennui of the latter appears as a simulacrum of the real thing, a belated coming to belatedness itself." Wow. Ingrid wins a 1930s-era fur stole made from baby martens, little legs flopping, each biting the tail of the one in front of it. -- Fourth Runner-Up: "The family next door is so pretentious that my husband and I have forbidden our little Bronte to play with their children." (Sandra Hull, Arlington) -- Third Runner-Up: "O.J. whom?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) -- Second Runner-Up: "I solemnly pledge to execute the office of president of the United States, OBviously." (David Genser, Vienna) -- First Runner-Up: "As Jesus Christ once said, and rightly so . . . " (Mike McKeown, Reston) -- And the winner of the commemorative plate from Intercourse, Pa. "Well, my rehab program had thirteen steps." (Thomas John Litz, Bowie) -- Honorable Mentions: "The girl who does my nails is foreign, I think." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Manipulating this grotesque class hatred of theirs is the only way to keep the staff in line these days." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Lovely people, but their tour of the house had the feeling of O.J. leading the jury around his mansion -- an 'I'm hiding my crassness and I dare you to find it' feel to it."(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) "I find walking so . . . pedestrian." (Russell Beland, Springfield) "I won't buy a desk unless a nuclear test ban treaty has been signed on it." (Scott Aukema, Alexandria) "The Serengeti just isn't the same ever since they stopped letting you shoot things." (Ellen Lamb, Washington) "I went to the Jackie auction but was appalled to discover that all they had were used items." (Sandra Hull, Arlington) "That is exactly the sort of fashion statement I would expect from 'new' money." (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) "With a high-performance vehicle of this sort, you can't just put regular old air in the tires." (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Frankly, we find the cafes on the Left Bank to be so gauche, if you'll excuse the pun." (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) "A '64 Chateau Margeaux? Well, perhaps with some of those ... what do you call them, luncheon meats?" (Russell Beland, Springfield) "I could never be agnostic because, honestly, I would know." (Patrick Coleman, Falls Church) "Bob Dole doesn't know the meaning of the word pretentious." (Bob Dole, Russell, Kan.; Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) "I simply cannot bring myself to imagine a world without Mahler's 'Kindertotenlieder.' " (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "I think I'll just put up a stadium right here." (J.K. Cooke, Washington; John Kammer, Herndon) "It is perfectly proper to address President Mandela in English, but I generally speak Xhosa when he's in my home." (Donald de Kieffer, Washington) "Eh bien, I just flew in from Cap d'Antibes, and zut alors, are my arms tired." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Just having a Great Falls Zip code doesn't make you 'Great Falls.'" (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) "It is I." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "Mark my words, you let in a public library and before you know it you'll have U-Haul lots and bus stops on every corner." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Why confront the onerous challenge of submitting quips to a humour column when you can simply pay Charles Smith, of Woodbridge, to perform the service for you?" (Thomas John Litz, Bowie) -- And Last: "New York magazine Competition No. 852 -- Submit wry, jaded observations on New York life in iambic pentameter or haiku form; extra points awarded for subsurface irony, oblique cultural witticisms and insider tips on rent-controlled apartments." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Next Week: What Kind of Foal Am I? ====================================================================== WEEK 166, published May 19, 1996 Week 166: Doo Wah Doody If I was a sculptor, but then again no Or a man who makes potions in a traveleing show Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen. -- Bernie Taupin and Elton John I am, I said To no one there And no one heard at all, Not even the chair. --Neil Diamond Eleanor, you're so groovy Let's go out to a movie. . . --The Turtles You're a hot-blooded woman child And its warm where you're touchin' me And I can tell from the look in your eye You're seein' way too much of me. --Mac Davis This week's contest is a Style Invitational first, inasmuch as you do not have to make up the answers; in fact, you may not make up the answers. We are looking for really bad lyrics to real rock songs. This contest has been endorsed by Dave Barry, who is compiling a book of atrocious rock lyrics. Dave has graciously permitted us to steal his idea, because Dave is an ardent supporter of the First Amendment, because he believes in the unfettered marketplace of public discourse, and because this contest will supply about a million man-hours of free research for him. Your lyrics must be from a reasonably popular song, and you must include the name of the song and the singer or songwriter. Bad lyrics can result from horrible rhymes, infantile imagery, moronic observations or whatever else makes for execrable songwriting. Please note that we are not looking for country-western tunes, whose lyrics are often deliberately comical or self-consciously maudlin. First-Prize winner gets what may be our finest prize ever, "Mr. Dip Lip," an oral surgeon's scientific demonstration model of the human mouth, complete with with gingivitis, a malignant tongue tumor, really crummy teeth, and various oozing lesions as might be caused by the use of chewing tobacco. Donated by Dave Barry, this fine item has a value of $100. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 166, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Paul Kondis of Alexandria for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 163, in which you were invited to mate any two horses from the 1996 Triple Crown contenders and name their hypothetical foal. Several liaisons were simply too obvious and therefore won nothing. These included using Afleetaffair to beget Tailhook, and using Beefchopper to beget (need we say it?) Lorena. Third Runner-Up: Mate Monkey Seventeen with Grindstone and name the foal Rhesus Pieces (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Second Runner-Up: Mate On Line with Gotcha and name the foal Mitsubishi (Charlie Myers, Laurel) First Runner-Up: Mate Blow Out with Editor's Note and name the foal "Alleged" Unabomber (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) And the winner of the prize so disgusting its name cannot be spoken: Mate Call for Change with Tiz the Whiz and name the foal Pay Toilet (Russ Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: Rod and Staff x Innovative = Twilight Zone (Russ Beland, Springfield) Rocket Flash x Gryphon = MIRV Gryphon (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Body Snatcher x Dr. Canton = Dead Man Wokking (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Daygata x Defleet = Italian Navy's Loss (Jerry Mayer, Arlington) Spellbounder x Talculating = Spelcheker (David Genser, Vienna) Skullbuster x Optic Nerve = Creamed Cornea (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Andtheliviniseasy x Doublethebettwice = Fixthedamnspacebar (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Murray Novack x Pugnacious = Robert Novak (David Smith, Greenbelt) Grindstone x Con Artist = I Knew He'd Win (Roy Ashley, Washington) Daygata x Hello Houston = Wegata Problem (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Chalk Time x Fly Straight = Tailored Crotch (J.F. Martin, Falls Church) Uncle Abie x Murray Novack = Yenta's Goof (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Oompahpah x Optic Nerve = Polka Your Eyes Out (Russ Beland, Springfield) Naskra's Ferrari x Our Secret Affair = Ex-Wife's Ferrari (John Kammer, Herndon) Special Moments x A Big Bear = Kodiak Moments (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Take a Bow x Smithfield = Ham Actor (Robin Kreisberg, Harrisonburg) Tens of Thousands x One More Power = Hundreds of Thousands (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Fast Departure x Blushing Jim = Thats OK Honey (Russ Beland, Springfield) Russian Emperor x Gold Fever = Yurika (Larry Bodin, Columbia) Naskra's Ferrari x Painted Naskra = Whodahecks Naskra (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) King's English x Gotcha = Have You (Russ Beland, Springfield) On Line x Dothebucket = Leary's Last Laugh (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Head Minister x Blow Out = Divine Brown (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Joe Jones x Murray Novack = Some Guy (Robert Fike, Alexandria) Editor's Note x Rage = Rewrite This Crap (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Rod and Staff x Mount Fuzzy = Newborn (Steven M. Jacoby, College Park) Polish Love x Beyond Comparison = My Sales Pitch (Mark Piotrowski, Arlington) Firey Jennifer x Fibrillation = Hart Attack (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And Last: E.C.'s Dream x Firey Jennifer = Dream On, Elden (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, and Jennifer Hart, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 167, published May 26, 1996 Week 167: Crapsey How frail Above the bulk Of crashing water hangs, Autumnal, evanescent, wan, The moon. Listen With faint dry sound, Like steps of passing ghosts, The leaves, frost-crisp'd, break from the trees And fall. These be Three silent things: The falling snow, the hour Before the dawn, the mouth of one Just dead. This week's contest was proposed by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a box of Berenstain Bear cookies. Jean did not know what she was getting us into when she suggested we resurrect the "cinquain," a long-deceased poetic form she described vaguely as "the Western version of a haiku." We did some research and discovered the cinquain was invented around the turn of the century by one Adelaide Crapsey, a humongously sensitive Vassar grad who died young of consumption and general weepiness. We have here in front of us several books of cinquains by Miss Crapsey, a hugely tragic figure, and we must say these are the most effete and vomitacious versifications, poems so ickily precious and pretentious they make haiku look like Kipling. The examples above were written by Miss Crapsey between 1911 and 1913. The rules of the cinquain are simple. There are five lines, the first containing two syllables, the second containing four syllables, the third six, the fourth eight and the last, with grave finality and thunderous drama, only two. Your subject matter must be suitable for the 1990s but must adhere to the literary standards set by Miss Crapsey. First-prize winner gets a pink-fringed 1950s U.S. Army Air Forces silk pillow inscribed thusly: "To one who bears the sweetest name,/ And adds a luster to the same./ Who shares my joys, who cheers when sad,/ The greatest friend I ever had./ Long life to her, for there's no other/ Could take the place of my dear Mother." Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 167, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 164, in which you were asked to contrast what politicians say with what they really mean: -- Fourth Runner-Up -- What they say: Public service runs in my family. What they mean: Nepotism runs in my family. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) -- Third Runner-Up -- What they say: Bob Dole is not too old. What they mean: I'm awake! I'm awake! (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) -- Second Runner-Up -- What they say: Mr. Speaker, pursuant to Rule 17, I ask unanimous consent to invoke cloture on the Senate rider to the amendment to the continuing resolution ... What they mean: I don't know what the hell I'm talking about but this is going to look great on C-Span. (David Genser, Vienna) -- First Runner-Up -- What they say: I don't believe in polls. What they mean: My polls tell me to say I don't believe in polls.(Frank Bruno, Alexandria) -- And the Winner of the pillow filled with shredded U.S. currency -- What they say: I do solemnly swear What they mean: Whatever (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)u Honorable Mentions: This is just blatant grandstanding by my opponent. -- I wish I had thought of that. (Susan Reese, Arlington) P-O-T-A-T-O-E -- P-O-T-A-T-O-E (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) It's about jobs, jobs, jobs. -- It's about my job, my job, my job. (David Genser, Vienna) I am glad you asked that question. -- Who let him in here? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bitch set me up. -- I feel at this point it would be most beneficial to me and to the American people if I, due to personal growth issues, proudly and prestigiously step down from office. (Erik Hadden, Frederick) I will not be intimidated -- sir. (John Kammer, Herndon) How much more are we going to bleed the poor? -- How much more can we bleed the poor? (John Kammer, Herndon) Trust me. -- Bite me. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) I favor the Job Corps. -- My son is a philosophy major. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The American people are a bunch of lazy self-indulgent crybabies who bilk the system for entitlements they don't deserve and then whine about wasteful government spending. -- Whee. It is fun being a lame duck. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) I respect women. -- My wife spanks me. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) That quote was taken out of context. -- And I would appreciate your letting me know of any context in which it would not sound offensive. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) I will have all the city's snow removed in 72 hours. -- If those 72 hours are in June. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Let me introduce a great humanitarian -- Let me introduce someone with a whole lot of money (Joseph Romm, Washington) There will be a certain fine-tuning of the economy. -- Like Mrs. O'Leary's cow fine-tuned Chicago. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I am happy for the opportunity to speak to the grand jury. -- And I enjoyed Don Imus's little jokes, too. (Gary Mason, Herndon) The only poll I look at is the one on Election Day. -- Gallup never canvasses the cemeteries. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) My opponent has resorted to negative campaigning -- And my spies haven't dug up jack on him. He must be a eunuch. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) The people have a right to know. -- The people have a wish to be entertained. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I don't recall. -- But I do know the penalty for perjury. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Poland is not a communist country. -- Poland is a vegetable. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Next Week: Wheel of Torture ====================================================================== WEEK 168, published June 2, 1996 Week 168: License to Carry a Pun Who is fat and bends over backward to be conservative? Rush Limbo Who is a very boring political martyr? John F. Canada What do you call a group of castaways who resort to cannibalism and promiscuous sex? The Madonner Party In the world of nudists, who represents Everyman? John Q. Pubic. This Week's Contest was suggested by the Czar, who wins the continued adulation of the masses. We are asking you to come up with original jokes like those above. The punchline must contain a pun on someone's name. This genre of joke no doubt has a name of its own, but darned if we can think of it. First-prize winner gets a mint-condition 1962 decorative shiny velour rug featuring John F. Kennedy and the U.S. Capitol, a $50 value. (A special prize of a set of genuine moose-poop swizzle sticks will be awarded to the person who best names this type of joke.) Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 168, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 165, in which you were invited to complete any of five Wheel of Fortune Phrases About Hell, adhering to certain configurations of spaces and letters. This contest proved extremely hard and many regulars whined and sniveled about how cruel we were. We will not embarrass those weenies by publishing their names, the most vociferous of whom was Russ-ll B-land of Springfi-ld. Anyway, the rest of you did just fine, though we will admit the strictures of this contest provoked various pathetic desperation moves. Several people, for example, said the celebrity often seen in Hell was "Rosten Kowski." Fourth Runner-Up: A Serious Faux Pas in Hell: Blessing Unto a Sneezer (Stephen F. Dudzik, Silver Spring Third Runner-Up: A Serious Faux Pas in Hell: Yielding Imus a Lectern (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: A Common Recreational Activity in Hell: Bananas and Gerbils (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) First Runner-Up: A Common Recreational Activity in Hell: Lawyers Are Grilled (Frank Thompson, Vienna; Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg) And the Winner of the Chefmaster(R) Hat and Apron: Today's Menu in Hell's Cafeteria: Basil, Ginger, Herb and Murray (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Honorable Mentions: What is a way one might address the Devil? ----- --- -- -A-- Fetid Wad of Caca (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Senor Muy de Malo. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Lusty Bag of Hate (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Youse, Wit da Tail (Russell Beland, Springfield) Swell Pit, Dr. Damn! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Senor All My Pain. (Tom Lundregan, Alexandria) Satan, You Am Baad. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Common Recreational Activities in Hell: -A----S --- G----- Gardens Not Growing (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Maggots Are Gobbled (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Paddles and Gluteus (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Parades for Gestapo (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Tommy Litz, Bowie) Lawyers' Art Gallery (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Celebrity Often Seen in Hell: R----- ------ Richie Havens (Tommy Litz, Bowie; Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Ronald Popeil (Maureen Brennan, McLean) Today's Menu In Hell's Cafeteria: B----, ------, ----, and -U----. Beano, Zantac, Nair and GumOut (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Blank, Spaces, Nada and Bupkis. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Barbs, Thorns, Pins and Hunger (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) A Bad Faux Pas in Hell: -----ING ---- - ------- Arriving With 2 Lawyers (Norman F. Wesley, Pittsburgh) Grousing Over a Sunburn (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Chilling Down a Brewski (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Knitting Pope a Sweater (Scott Aukema, Alexandria) Xeroxing Tons o' Resumes (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Drinking From a Carcass (Dan Stevens, Glen Burnie) Dressing Like a Pontiff (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Flirting With a Senator (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg) Arriving With a Zamboni (Ray Aragon and Cindy Coe, Bethesda) And Last: Spelling Rong 2 Wingame (Ed Hopkins, Davidsonville) Next week: Doo Wah Doody ====================================================================== WEEK 169, published June 9, 1996 Week 169: Diff'rent Jokes. Mount Everest Joe Camel A Horse With No Name Barbra Streisand's Behind A Chain Saw Directory Assistance A 1975 AMC Pacer The Titanic Mission: Impossible Eddie Haskell Romantic Downtown Hyattsville Dilbert's Necktie The Red Line Marion Barry's Brain This Week's Contest is to tell us the difference between any two of the above. (As in, "What is the difference between Directory Assistance and Mount Everest? Mt. Everest is warmer.") First-prize winner gets a vintage Gerald R. Ford commemorative plate, a value of $40. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 168, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Dan Royer of Alexandria for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 166, in which we asked you to find the worst real rock lyrics ever, an effort endorsed by Dave Barry, who will be ripping off these answers for a book he is compiling on atrocious lyrics. It is astonishing how many people were unable to distinguish great lyrics from terrible lyrics. You nominated as the worst lyrics of all time some of the finest words ever set to song, including: "They paved paradise and put up a parking lot" by Joni Mitchell, "There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes" by John Prine, and "feelin' near as faded as my jeans," by Kris Kristofferson, not to mention the only good line ever sung by Nancy Sinatra: "You been samin' when you oughta been changin' . . . " The judging here was hard because of the voluminous selection of available bilge, some of which has already been dissed adequately elsewhere. The best of these is this stinker, from Paul McCartney's "Live and Let Die": "In this ever-changing world in which we live in . . .' Two noteworthy items from the mailbag. First, Russ Beland of Springfield writes, "The Billy Jack theme ['One Tin Soldier'] is the only song so bad that when it comes on the car radio I deliberately swerve into oncoming traffic in an effort to stop it faster than I could by reaching for the dial." And we got this from Sarah Worcester of Bowie: "Why don't you have a contest to write a program to create bibliographic record change specifications from keyed input? The program should be in PL1, must execute under CICS, and due to the nature of the character set required, must use Terminal Control instead of BMS. (As long as you are having everyone do Dave Barry's work for him, you might as well have them do mine for me.)" Okay. The winners. In the category of Bad Rhymes, the first runner-up was perpetrated by Steve Miller in "Take the Money and Run." It was cited by many people: Billy Mack was a detective down in Texas. You know he knows just exactly what the facts is . . . And the winner of very worst rhyme is Creedence Clearwater Revival, for this ear-shattering couplet from "Lookin' Out My Back Door": Dinosaur Victrola / Listenin' to Buck Owens. . .(Carolyn Armstrong, Front Royal; Dave Ferry, Leesburg) In the category of "Well, Duh," first runner-up is from "The Rain, The Park, and Other Things," by the Cowsills: I saw her sitting in the rain, Raindrops falling on her. . . (Jennifer Garrison, Burlington, N.C.) And the winner, by Steve Miller in "Fly Like an Eagle": Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping / into the fuuuu-ture. (Don Beale, Arlington; Jane Hanna, Leesburg;) In the category of "If It Don't Fit, Just Force It," first runner-up goes to The Doors. The Doors are famously bad for rhyming with a blowtorch and crowbar ("Till the stars fall from the sky / for you and I"), but here is their finest effort, from "L.A. Woman": I see your hair is burning / The hills are filled with fire. / If they say I never loved you / Well, you know they are a liar. (Steve Carnahan, Syosset, N.Y.) And the winner, from "Play Me," by Neil Diamond: Song she sang to me / Song she brang to me . . . (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) In the "Gag Me With a Spoon" category, first runner-up goes to Cream, for this warmly romantic line from "Sunshine of Your Love": I'll stay with you till my seeds are dried up. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And the winner, from "Lightning Strikes," by Live: Lightning crashes, a new mother cries / Her placenta falls to the floor. (Scott Barney, Washington) In the category of "Aww, You Shouldn't Have," first runner-up goes to Dr. Hook for this ode to rape in "Love You a Little Bit More": When your body's had enough of me, And I'm layin' flat out on the floor, When you think I've loved you all I can, I'm gonna love you a little bit more. (John Chamberlain, Silver Spring) And the winner, which requires no further exposition, from "Chestnut Mare" by Roger McGuinn for the Byrds: I'm going to catch that horse if I can, And when I do, I'll give her my brand, And we'll be friends for life, She'll be just like a wife. . . (Arthur J. Murphy, Chicago) In the category of Just Plain Dippy lyrics, first runner-up goes to Leslie Gore for this, from "Judy's Turn to Cry": The other night I was at a party / I was dancin' with some other guy / Johnny jumped up and he hit him / 'Cause he still loved me, that's why! (Rachel A. Bernhardt, Takoma Park) And the winner, from one of the dorkiest songs ever written, "Reach Out in the Darkness" by Friend and Lover. This song is noteworthy not so much because it contains this lyric: "I think it's so groovy now, that people are finally gettin' together / I think it's wonderfulla now, that people are finally gettin' together, but because that is not the worst lyric in the song. That distinction goes to this painfully earnest stanza: I knew a man that I did not care for And then one day this man gave me a call. We sat and talked about things on our minds And now this man, he is a friend of mine. (Sandy Tenenbaum, Silver Spring) In the category of Worst Song Title, the winner of course is: "I Honestly Love You" recorded by Olivia Newton-John (Dean Meservy, Laurel) In the category of "Huh, Wha?," first runner-up is this from "Birdhouse in Your Soul," by They Might Be Giants: I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend But I'm a little glowing friend But really I'm not actually your friend But I am. (Paul Evans and Mary Rock, Great Mills) And the winner is this triplet, soulfully delivered by the Beatles in "Sun King": Cuando para mucho mi amore de felice corazon Mundo pararazzi mi amore chicka ferdy parasol Cuesto obrigado tanta mucho que can eat it carousel. (Jeff and Pam Wadler, Alexandria) And now for the worst lyric of all time, winner of the Mr. Dip Lip, the dental model. It is from "Tonight's the Night," by Rod Stewart, the gravelly balladeer of requited love. It not only sounds moronic, and doesn't scan, and quarrels with the romantic theme of the song, but the words says precisely the opposite of what the artist intends: Don't say a word, my virgin child. Just let your inhibitions run wild . . . (Jessica Steinhice, Washington; also, Steve Rouzer, Randallstown) NEXT WEEK: CRAPSEY ====================================================================== WEEK 170, published June 16, 1996 Week 170: The Elements of Smile This Week's Contest: Why are these people smiling? Choose one, or more than one. First-prize winner gets a "Remote-Controlled Electronic Fart Machine," a fine product of the People's Republic of China. It is, according to the box, a "state of the art, high-tech electronic replacement for the now obsolete inflatable rubber Whoopie Cushion." This is a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 170, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Ned Bent of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads and to respond to certain quibbles arising from our rock-lyric contest. We heard from many ardent defenders of the Beatles who claimed that our quotations from "Sun King" and "Live and Let Die" were incorrect, thereby heaping undeserved abuse upon the band and in particular upon the godlike person of Paul McCartney. We would like to say you are right, because although we think Paul something of a gigantic tushy, we revere the Beatles. Alas, we did not err. Want to bet $20? Fine. The faux-Italian gibberish on "Sun King" was straight from the published sheet music. As for "Live and Let Die," Paul has indeed disingenuously claimed he was saying something a little less awful than "in this ever-changing world in which we live in." But a careful listening reveals only that he was saying, "IF this ever-changing world in which we live in." No better. Check it out. Listen with headphones. Next, mail your twenties to The Czar, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Thank you. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 167, in which you were asked to invent cinquains, revoltingly precious poems in successive lines of two, four, six, eight, and two syllables. Third Runner-Up: Snowflakes. Faerie doilies, Angels' lace petticoats Drift and swirl like souls of kittens. Oh, barf.(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Second Runner-Up: Oh God, If Madonna Bears a boy, and wants A Spanish name, let it not be Jesus. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) First Runner-Up: Bob Dole, Old but virile; Tyrannosaurus Sex, O, dark, rapacious veloci- Rapture! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the winner of the shredded-currency pillow: Oh dear, Sylvia Plath, Down went your spirits, and Up went the gas, and now life you No hath. (Christine Tabbert, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: He goes, "The moon's way cool, Would you like to, you know . . ." And I'm like yuck, I mean, no way, As if. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Received: One submission From a T. Kaczynski. Though, please note, we would much prefer E-mail. (Russ Horner, Alexandria) Riding The Red Line is Splendiferous, but I Wish he knew the S is silent. Grosvenor. (Doris Nachman, Springfield, Mo.) My muse, My cinquain muse, James Bond, I call to you. Give me your poetic license To kill! (Joseph Romm, Washington) Swan, so Graceful, arches Its delicate neck and Wriggles its feathered rump as if To poop. (Bonnie Speary Devore, Rockville) If a Tree falls in the Woods and no one's around, Does it make a sound? Listen close: "Oh [expletive]" (Joseph Romm, Washington) The morgue, Buckets of brains, Seventy-four corpses, Crematorium on the fritz. Death stinks. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) British Cow, why didst thou Eat sheep? They fed you your Death sentence. Doesn't it make you Mad, cow? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) The morn, Breaking bright on This glorious roundness, This heavenly creation, this Bagel. (Susan Reese, Arlington) You want To have my child? What a lovely way to Say how much you love me. Where's the Condom? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Bite me Is a rebuke Useful with many guys But it wasn't good to say to Dahmer. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Sea Dogs. Unchosen name! But why? Who knows? I frown and keep on braiding my lover's Nose hair. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The me- ter of this cin- quain is off by a lou- sy syllable. Now it's ruint, son- of-a- (John Kammer, Herndon) Roses Are red, violets Are blue, sugar is sweet, This contest smells even worse than Cleveland. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Crapsey Wrote her cinquains Long ago; this Vassar grad Now haunts us, her ghostly footfalls A thud. (Christine Gallant, Bowie)And Last: Winners Are selected On the basis of wit And originality. And I'm pope. (Joseph Romm, Washington) NEXT WEEK: License To Carry A Pun ====================================================================== WEEK 171, published June 23, 1996 Week 171: On Second Thought . . . This Week's Contest: Ideas that never got off the drawing board, for good reason. In short, bright ideas that lost their luster the following morning, upon sober reflection. Any sort of idea -- a commercial product, a business strategy, a philosophy of life, etc. -- is acceptable. First-prize winner gets a three-masted schooner made entirely from Coors beer cans, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 171, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. To the many people who have been writing imploring us to tell them what The Ear No One Reads is, we say: It's right across from The R No One Notices. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 168, in which you were asked to come up with a 'what is' joke resulting in a pun on someone's name. The winner of the moose-poop swizzle sticks for inventing a name for the genre of joke is Marty Madden of Prince Frederick. Marty says they are 'Czar-casms.' Third Runner-Up: Which rock star's career took off quickly but then crashed and burned? Joan Valu-Jett. (Shawn A. Farrell, Bowie) Second Runner-Up: What revolutionary leader led his guerrilla forces while wearing an evening gown and a string of pearls? Che Edgar Hoover. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) First Runner-Up: Who steals from the rich and mismanages the proceeds? Robin HUD. (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville, Md.) And the Winner of the JFK rug: Who wrote "The Hatchback of Notre Dame?" Victor Yugo. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: Who designed an operating system that can run even with a dead mother board? Norman Gates. (Michael Tharp, Phoenix) What famous naturalist is known for painting thunderbirds, eagles, falcons and skylarks? James Autobahn. (Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville) What do you call a silly person, place, or thing? Bozo the Noun. (Jean Sorensen, Herdon) Which Greek philosopher sought to mold the minds of men? Play-Doh. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Who is 'The Queen of the Continent'? Urethra Franklin. (Ned Bent, Herndon) Who told President Clinton that there is a very, very bad cold on the heart of the presidency? George Staphanopoulos. (David Genser, Vienna) Who believes in assisted suicide by driving a Chrysler back and forth over the body? Dr. Kerkorian. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Whose route home to his birthplace is lined with people trying to catch and kill him? Salmon Rushdie. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Which NFL quarterback is most adept at reading the minds of the defense? Steve Jung. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What president managed to polish his tarnished reputation? Richard Noxon. (Joan Schloo, Rockville) Who wrote "The Goose-Step of the Last Minstrel?" Sir Walter Schott. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Which monarch became so fat and bloated that his castle had to be remodeled to accommodate his corpulence? King Henry Ate, House of Two-Door. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Who is Inspector 007 at the tuna factory? Sean Cannery. (Susan Reese, Arlington) What little girl intentionally stayed lost and alone in the woods? Gretel Garbo. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Who can only see half your future? Swami Davis Jr. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) What famous mystery writer had no heirs? Sir Arthur Condom Doyle (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Who is the world's foremost trainer of small animals? Gunther Gerbil-Williams. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) What psychiatrist was the most anal-retentive? Sigmoid Freud. (Howard and Beth Glick, Leesburg) What is the name of the understudy at the opera? Placebo Domingo. (Jack Wallenfelt, Upper Marlboro) Who babysits for your child and strips him of all spirituality? Madalyn Murray Au Pair. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Who sings only 5 days a month? The New Christy Menstruals. (Dean Evangelista, Gaithersburg) What literary character got over his obsession with a white whale by entering a 12-step program? Captain Rehab. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Who is a justice of the nation's lowest court? Antonym Scalia. (David McAuley, Annandale) And Last: What U.S. Surgeon General was also a frequent Style Invitational contributor? C. Everett Poop. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) . ====================================================================== WEEK 172, published June 30, 1996 Week 172: Poedtry The mail doth come and go Silent, speedy, gentle. Yellowish envelope? Interdepartmental! Bang! Boom! Squish! Pop! Fizz! Bleat! Writing Requires Ideas Excepting: Onomatopoeias. Oh, Pain Whips Through My Gut, Never Passing, Unlike Quarterback Unitas. Diverticulitis. This Week's Contest is something new: an entire poetic form, making its global debut in the Style Invitational. Inspired by Adelaide Crapsey's wretched cinquains, Ed Hopkins of Davidsonville has created the poetic form above, which he calls "Poeds," as in "Poems by Ed." The rules are that the first line must be contain only six words of one syllable each; the second line, three words of two syllables each; the third line, two words of three syllables each, and the final line a single word of six syllables. At least two lines must rhyme. The general subject matter should be mundane. We love this art form. Ed wins a splendid prize: The Squirming Half-Rat Snack, which, when placed in the mouth, makes it look as though the user is devouring a live rat, head first. ("Use your tongue to move the button and the tail will wiggle and twitch! Made in Taiwan.") The best poed wins a vintage roll of Jimmy Carter toilet paper, circa 1978, a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 172, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 8. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads, and to acknowledge continued niggling over the results of the rock lyric contest. Ardent defenders of Cream claim Eric Clapton and Jack Bruce were singing "I'll be with you till the seas are dry," not "till my seeds are dried up," and Rod Stewart fanatics contend Rod was growling "let your imagination run wild," not "inhibitions." Folks, you think we don't check this stuff? Both lyrics, as we wrote them, were correct. And awful. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 169, in which we asked you to tell us the differences between any two of 15 items we named. David Kleinbard of Chevy Chase gets The Style Invitational's third Blind T-shirt Award. This prestigious award celebrates "Entries Worthy of Prizes but So Unspeakably Vile They Cannot Be Uttered Near Humans or Even Sensitive Dogs, Let Alone Printed in a Newspaper Famed for Its Distinguished Coverage of Serious Global Issues Such as International Quotas on the Production of Feldspar." Congratulations, David. We are sending you a T-shirt. When friends ask you what you won it for, you can tell them your fine joke. Then you can find new friends. Fifth Runner-Up: What is the difference between Barbra Streisand's behind and the Titanic? You can't play shuffleboard on the Titanic anymore. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: What is the difference between Marion Barry's brain and Barbra Streisand's behind? One has absolutely no influence on the Clinton White House. (Harry B. Heisler, Washington) Third Runner-Up: What is the difference between a 1975 AMC Pacer and Marion Barry's brain? The Pacer would be somewhat affected by local road conditions. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Second Runner-Up: What is the difference between the Titanic and "Mission: Impossible"? The Titanic had a short cruise with a really bad end. "Mission: Impossible" has a short Cruise with a pretty darn attractive end. (Susan Reese, Arlington) First Runner-Up: What is the difference between a chain saw and Directory Assistance? 500. (Paul Styrene, Olney) And the winner of the Gerald Ford commemorative plate: What is the difference between Marion Barry's brain and a chain saw? With a chain saw, you can actually HEAR the buzz. (David Smith, Greenbelt) Honorable Mentions: What is the difference between a chain saw and Marion Barry's brain? A chain saw cuts dead wood. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What is the difference between Mount Everest and Joe Camel? Most third-graders have heard of Joe Camel. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What is the difference between a horse with no name and Marion's Barry's brain? All that snorting hasn't hurt the horse. (David Genser, Vienna) What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and Barbra Streisand's behind? Eddie is not Lumpy. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and a chain saw? You want to get a chain saw started. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) What is the difference between a chain saw and Eddie Haskell? A chain saw makes life EASIER for the beaver. (James Ascher, Alexandria) What is the difference between a 1975 AMC Pacer and Barbra Streisand's behind? The Pacer only SEEMS to get wider with time. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What is the difference between Marion Barry's brain and Dilbert's necktie? Dilbert can never get his tie to stay in his pants. (Russell Beland, Springfield) What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and Marion Barry's brain? Eddie Haskell doesn't get picked on by Whitey. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) What is the difference between "Mission: Impossible" and Barbra Streisand's behind? "Mission: Impossible" has an unnecessary colon. (Don White, Frederick; Bob Sorensen, Herndon) What is the difference between Barbra Streisand's behind and Marion Barry's brain? The first is a tuchus. The second took us. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What is the difference between a 1975 AMC Pacer and "Mission: Impossible"? The latter had an outstanding Landau version. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) What is the difference between the Titanic and Marion Barry's brain? The Titanic only hit bottom once. (Stephen F. Dudzik, Silver Spring) What is the difference between Marion Barry's brain and Mount Everest? One is considered by experts to be the highest place in the world, and the other is in the Himalayas. (Joseph Romm, Washington) What is the difference between Mount Everest and Romantic Downtown Hyattsville? Mount Everest has more good restaurants. (David Genser, Vienna) What is the difference between Joe Camel and a horse with no name? Joe Camel is not an anagram of "the nose hair woman." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What is the difference between a 1975 AMC Pacer and the Titanic? It's easier to find parts for the Titanic. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Vance Greer, Sterling) What is the difference between the Red Line and Marion Barry's brain? One goes through Rockville, the other has gone through a lot of rock. (David Genser, Vienna) What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and Directory Assistance? Eddie Haskell is less patronizing. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And last: What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and Marion Barry's Brain? Eddie was always getting THE BEAVER in trouble, while . . . (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Dan Stevens, Glen Burnie; Bob Sorensen, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 173, published July 7, 1996 Week 173: Dead Reckoning Cal Ripken Jr. to Lou Gehrig: "Wouldn't you have just died for a day off? Er, ah, I mean . . ." This Week's Contest was suggested by a B. Fitzgerald, who appears to live only on the Internet and whose gender and home town cannot reliably be determined. B. wins a realistic plastic salad. In honor of Hillary Clinton's conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt, B. suggests you propose a question that might be asked by a living celebrity to a famous dead person. You must name the living person, name the dead person, and tell us the question. First-prize winner gets a genuine inflatable plastic Mona Lisa ("WARNING: THIS PRODUCT NOT TO BE USED AS A FLOTATION DEVICE." MADE IN TAIWAN) suitable for hanging on one's wall if one were, say, a Ringling Bros. clown married to a Vegas pit boss. It is worth $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 173, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Linda Perlstein of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 170, The Smile Invitational, in which we drew five cartoons and asked you to explain why the people were smiling. Twelve entries said Cartoon A was a scene from Dr. Kevorkian's waiting room. Fifth Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) Possible proud father waits to see Madonna's baby. (Michael O'Leary, Huntingtown) Fourth Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) Jennifer realizes she can apply for an NEA grant simply by changing the name of her artwork from "Dot" to "Come See My Period." (Richard Wong, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) The National Park Service's sketch artist proudly displays her depiction of the Million Man March. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) Ladies' restrooms are rarely found at construction sites, often forcing female workers to be creative. (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) Another victim of the Chap Stick-Krazy Glue product-tampering incident waits despairingly in the emergency room. (David Genser, Vienna; Sandra Hull, Arlington) And the Winner of the Electronic Remote-Controlled Fart Machine:(Cartoon E) Mrs. Kaczynski gets a card from her thoughtful son. (Ned Bent, Herndon) Cartoon A: He was on ValuJet standby. (Frank Thompson, Vienna; Alex Neill, Washington; Sandra Hull, Arlington) He has just realized that 98 x 6 equals the height of the Great Pyramid in cubits and that Ezekiel 108 thereby foretells the coming of the psychological subjugation mechanism called for by the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, just as Reverend Farrakhan has been trying to warn us all along. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) This man is Russian. It is the shortest line he has seen in years. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cartoon B: She is smiling because Jesse Helms still hasn't found out about the hole in his dressing room wall. (Ned Bent, Herndon) Mrs. Pollin is pleased that her design for the Wizards' new insignia has been selected. (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) Just when the art show attendees have had it up to here with her bad puns, the art teacher proclaims, "This is a self-portrait of one of my favorite pupils." (Steve Daly, Reston) Cartoon C: Two words: Clean underwear. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Marion Barry demonstrates that the pothole-plagued roads are, in fact, drivable. (Michael O'Leary, Huntingtown) An inveterate jokester, Jim chuckled in anticipation of someone asking, "Have an accident?" (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) He is reminded of an Andrew Dice Clay joke whenever he sees "Bangor" on a road sign. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) It caused him to crash, but he was really excited to find a woman from the Mitsubishi assembly line still inside his car. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Cartoon D: Although she had to keep after them doggedly, Rebecca finally got the city to fill the pothole in front of her house in the District. (David Genser, Vienna) Lucretia has found a quick and easy way to get the "hard body" she's dreamed of. (Sandra Hull, Arlington; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Her mom was right. A mixer was a good place to meet men. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) After the most recent incident, Ringling Bros. decided to spring for contact lenses for Hannah the Happy Human Cannonball. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cartoon E: Hillary explains how the Whitewater files got on the table. (Michael O'Leary, Huntingtown) Next week: On Second Thought... ====================================================================== WEEK 174, published July 14, 1996 Week 174: The Edge of Might You might have a bad doctor if he has a pack of Marlboros rolled up in the sleeve of his lab coat. Your kid might be running with the wrong crowd if he asks Grandma for a lap dance. You might consider cutting down on your drinking if Teddy is your designated driver. Your spouse might be taking you for granted if she introduces you as her "sperm donor." You might have a bad doctor if he attends your surgery dressed as a pirate. This week's contest was suggested by Jeffrey R. Kern of Montgomery Village, who wins a Pittsburgh Penguins foam rubber "Puckhead" hat donated to The Style Invitational by Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who wrote in to say she believes The Style Invitational is getting a little too snide. The witch. Jeffrey suggests that you complete any of the four phrases above, as in the examples given. First-prize winner gets a fabulous "Independence Day" magnetic dartboard sent to this newspaper as a promotional freebie in the hopes of getting rave reviews. What they failed to consider was our famed snideness. "Independence Day" is a great big rancid gasbag of a movie, says The Washington Post. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 174, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Report from Week 171, in which you were asked to come up with ideas that never quite made it off the drawing board. Several people proposed "Dole/Thurmond '96." -- Fourth Runner-Up: "Droopers," a singles restaurant in which waitresses are average middle-aged women. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) -- Third Runner-Up: A new line of Kathie Lee Gifford sweat suits. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) -- Second Runner-Up: Ipecacsicles. (John Kammer, Herndon) -- First Runner-Up: Singing mammograms. (Dudley Thompson Jr., Silver Spring) -- And the winner of the three-masted schooner made out of Coors cans: The Slim-Fast Blimp. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) -- Honorable Mentions: Getting a custom license plate that says SCRU U FUZ (Russell Beland, Springfield) Breaking the stress of air traffic controlling by having everyone talk like Donald Duck.(Earl Gilbert, La Plata) Loincloth Fridays. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) For defense against dogs, required small-arms training for postal workers. (David Genser, Vienna) Putting prostate testing machines in Giant stores. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fodor's guide to North Korea. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Blindfolds and Ice Picks" party game. (Tim Morgen, Laurel) Feminine napkin rings. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Resigning from the Senate. (Bob Dole, Russell, Kan.; Russell Beland, Springfield) Months-of-the-year underwear. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "A Charlie Brown Purim." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) The 1910 Fruitgum Company reunion tour. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Dashboard light to indicate deployed air bag. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In the interests of world standards, the United States will change to driving on the left side of the road beginning at midnight Dec. 31, 1996. (Gene Van Pelt, Verona) Zippers on condoms. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Self-serve pharmacies. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Style Invitational Loser's Trusses. (David Zarrow, Herndon) Ben and Jerry's new Frozen Borscht. (Tim Morgen, Laurel) Big Al's Douching Service. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The Luddites' Home Page. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Optional toaster for hot tubs. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Devil's Head glowing night light for toddlers. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Preggers Night: Half-price on all liquor for expectant moms! (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Spice jar packaging for ant poison lets you keep the poison conveniently in your spice rack but doesn't tip off visitors that you have an ant problem. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Titanic II. (George Wetherill, Washington) Hot-water toilets. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) Hiring The Post's comics editor to host "Politically Incorrect." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) NOW members' discount night at Hooters. (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Herndon) The Spleenmaster. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Brown Poupon. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Okay, singing condoms was a bad idea. But how about humming condoms? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Next Week: Poedtry ====================================================================== WEEK 175, published July 21, 1996 Week 175: Fossil Fools. A tree-shaped car freshener. A live cockroach. Mount Rushmore. A bowling trophy. A computer mouse. A copy of today's Washington Post. Plastic bubbles used for packing boxes. A brassiere. A toilet. An umbrella. A D.C. taxi. A Swiss Army knife. A "WALK/DONT'T WALK" A Hefty bag. "Hmm. It seems to have been a primitive society, inasmuch as the most sophisticated surviving weaponry is sort of a double-barreled slingshot. Rocks hurled at a target in such close proximity suggests that this MIGHT be a two-headed species..." Today's contest is a variation on an idea submitted by several people over the last year. No one wins squat. The idea is that 2 million years from now, alien archaeologists visiting the desolatation of a once-inhabited planet known as Earth discover only one remnant of our civilization. Select one from the list above. What do the aliens mistakenly conclude about us from this item? (For extra credit, combine two or more into one conclusion.) First-prize winner gets "Butts Are Gross," a righteously indignant jigsaw puzzle featuring pictures of 11 animal tuchuses and a cigarette butt. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 175, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Robin D. Grove of Baltimore for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 172, in which we asked you to write Poeds, poems consisting of one line of six one-syllable words, one line of three two-syllable words, one line of two three-syllable words, and a final line containing one six-syllable word. Poeds ("Poems by Ed") must contain at least one rhyme. Very hard contest. Much unseemly grousing and whining from regular entrants. Apparently, these individuals feel licensed to complain just because they have become virtually full-time employees of The Washington Post, albeit ones paid entirely in T-shirts, bumper stickers and the occasional Remote Controlled Fart Machine. Our favorite whine came from William Foster of Rockville, who finds us dreadfully lowbrow. William writes in iambic pentameter: 'Tis clear, Style Invitational decides its winners from submissions worst in taste. And queer: Style Invitational derides the brain, and lives with things below the waist. Hey, pal. Live with this.And now to the Poeds: -- Fourth Runner-Up: The world needs a new word Meaning: chatting, smiling. Handsomely advising -- Stephanopoulizing!(David Smith, Greenbelt)u Honorable Mentions: -- Third Runner-Up: If wed now, she'd choose a hyphened, lengthy, awkward cognomen: Juliet Montague-Capulet. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) -- Second Runner-Up: How is it that, with Bill, Scandal eludes nation? Gennifer, Whitewater . . . Press-tidigitation? (Marcy Dilworth, Fairfax) -- First Runner-Up: If it's 2 long 2 st8 Abridge, abbrev., trunc8. Acronym R&D, Washingtonology. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) -- And the winner of the vintage Jimmy Carter toilet paper: Mom, a Jew. Pop, a WASP. Easter, Pesach, Christmas. Communions, Tallises, Psychoanalysis. (Roger L. Browdy, Kensington) -- Honorable Mentions: Buy the toys and see the Disney summer movie. Marketing strategies? Quasimodalities. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Catch. Run. Bunt. Slide. Hit. Throw. Iron fellow's agile. Orioles' security? Supercalifragile. (Helen E. Gallant, Silver Spring) Can't get your sleep at night? Torrid flashes awful? Estrogen prescription! Peri-menopausal. (Beryl Benderly, Washington) Damn you. Damn you. Damn you. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Damnation! Damnation! Excommunication. (David M. Johnston, Chapel Hill, N.C.) Dreck Tex Mex -- good as sex Taco? Thanky mucho. Burrito? Whizbanga! Gimmeechimichanga. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) like e.e., i too shun elite upper cases. egotist inflation! capitalization. (Susan Reese, Arlington)Next Week: Dead Reckoning Our lives are too laid back. Human strivings sated. Casual, lethargic. Californicated. (Sandra George, Washington) Pink or blue? He or she? Also factor rhesus. Resolving mystery -- Amniocentesis. (Lillian B. Broadwick, Monkton, Md.) Been there, seen it, done that. Jaded, jaundiced prism. Yadadda regatta. Existentialism. (Sandra George, Washington) Bring the child out o' me. Tissue's almost tearing. Physician! Incision! Episiotomy. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) I must get rid of them: Endless Loser's T-Shirts. Sellable? Tradable? Biodegradable? (David Smith, Greenbelt) -- And Last: The ear that no one reads, Filling unknown terrain. Close-guarded mystery Andsoitshallremain. (Carl Yaffe, Rockville) Next Week: Dead Reckoning ====================================================================== WEEK 176, published July 28, 1996 WEEK 176: WRITE IN THE KISSER Bill Clinton, as described by Raymond Chandler: He walked into the room like a doughnut rolls off an assembly line. He was tall but soft, like a Shirley Temple in a highball glass. His hair was as stiff as a dead butler and the color of four-day-old snow at a La Cienega construction site. He talked slow and soggy, kind of muffled. You heard guys talk like that through tincan telephones, but you were a kid, and they weren't the president of the United States and you didn't have to say yes sir and suck down your doubts like a sump pump in a flooded basement. Today's contest: In the style of any famous writer, living or dead, write a description of one of these people: Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Prince Charles or Sylvester Stallone. Maximum, 100 words. First-prize winner gets a fabulous deer's-teeth-and-twine necklace worn by men who get together in the forest and beat drums and commune with their inner animal selves and generally behave like potbellied dufuses. It is worth about $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 176, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Bob Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employes of The Washington Post and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 173, in which you were asked to come up with a question that a living celebrity might ask a dead celebrity, in the style of Hillary Clinton's questions to Eleanor Roosevelt. Many, many people had either RuPaul or Dennis Rodman asking J. Edgar Hoover where to find size 12EEE red pumps. Fifth Runner-Up: Bob Dole to Rutherford B. Hayes -- "Why did you lie about my record?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Fourth Runner-Up: Kurt Waldheim to Adolf Hitler -- "Okay, but is it a DRY heat?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: Madonna to the Madonna -- "So, how did you convince your guy you weren't cheating?" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Second Runner-Up: Albert Belle to Babe Ruth -- "What the &* are YOU looking at?" (Steven King, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: Sen. Alfonse D'Amato to Eleanor Roosevelt -- "Er, did she happen to mention Whitewater?" (Susan Reese, Arlington) And the winner of the inflatable Mona Lisa: Dan Quayle to Martin Luther -- "What inspired you to write that great 'I Have a Dream' speech?" (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: Lillian Vernon to P.T. Barnum: "Every minute? More like every second!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Pope John Paul II to Pope John Paul I: "Okay, I give up. How DO you keep a Polish person in suspense?" (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) Madonna to Frank Zappa: "Got any ideas for a boy's name?" (Ken Marsh, Fairfax) Cecil Jacobson to Casanova: "So. How many kids YOU got?" (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) Bob Hope to Bing Crosby -- "You're never going to believe this, but they found out about the hookers and you know what? No one gave a rat's butt!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Shirley MacLaine to Shirley MacLaine: "What would you do in my situation?" (Russell Beland, Springfield; Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Don Imus to Will Rogers: "We haven't met, have we?" (Russ Beland, Springfield) Hsing-Hsing to Ling-Ling: "Why did you have to eat that imported bamboo? Now it's just me and the tire." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Marcel Marceau to Harpo Marx: (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Leona Helmsley to Saint Peter: "You've reserved me a choice seat by the Right Hand, haven't you? I'll make it worth your while." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Geraldo Rivera to Ludwig Van Beethoven: "Mr. Beethoven, if you . . . Mr. Beethoven? MISTER BEETHOVEN!!!" (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) Madonna to Joan of Arc: "Couldn't you have saved yourself by just boinking a king or something?" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Larry King to Adolf Hitler: "What was your most embarrassing moment?" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Tori Spelling to Pythagoras: "Like, if Valerie loves Brandon, and Brandon loves Kelly, can Kelly love Brandon without Valerie going postal?" (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Kathie Lee Gifford to Jesus Christ: "I have only one question. Isn't Cody ADORABLE?" (Joseph Romm, Washington) Connie Chung to Felix Frankfurter: "Is that really your name?" (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Post comics editor to Walt Kelly: "How about making it 'We have met the enemy and he is a curmudgeonly fuzzybunny with a heart of gold.' " (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Alicia Silverstone to Adolf Hitler: "Omigod, like, what was your deal?" (Scott Aukema, Alexandria) Binyamin Netanyahu to Moses: "Couldn't you have turned RIGHT at the oil fields instead?" (Sandy Tenenbaum, Silver Spring) And last: Bill Clinton to John F. Kennedy: "How many people do you think will have me talking to you for this contest?" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)(Answer: More than 100.) NEXT WEEK: THE EDGE OF MIGHT ====================================================================== WEEK 177, published August 4, 1996 Week 177: Sounds Like Trouble What is "Fa la la la la la la la thud"? What is "Nyuck nyuck nyuck BANG"? What is "E-I-E-I-Ow"? What is "Whoooooo? Whoooooo? Ewwwwwww . . . "? What is "Kevork Kevork"? What is "Hamahamahamahamahamahama"? What is "Fizz Fizz Plop Plop"? This week's contest was suggested by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park, who wins a genuine 1950s-era "Peter Meter." Jonathan suggests that you tell us what any of the above sounds are. First-prize winner gets a fabulous deer's-teeth-and-twine necklace worn by men who get together in the forest and beat drums and commune with their inner animal selves and generally behave like potbellied doofuses. It is worth about $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 177, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 174, in which you were asked to complete any one of four sentences. Fourth Runner-Up: Your spouse might be taking you for granted if . . . he asks you to pretend to be his sister when he introduces you to his new secretary. (Douglas Bailey, Baldwinsville, N.Y.) Third Runner-Up: You might have a bad doctor if . . . during your operation, he leaves an airline liquor bottle in you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: You might have a bad doctor if . . . the diplomas on his wall are on fax paper. (David Genser, Vienna) First Runner-Up: You might have a bad doctor if ... you can see his butt crack. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) And the winner of the "Independence Day" dartboard: You might have a bad doctor if ... you see him at the drugstore, asking the pharmacist for advice. (Alice Blackburn, Vienna) Honorable Mentions You might have a bad doctor if: ... he ends every sentence with "Bada-bing, bada-boom." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) ... he says, "I think we better try bleeding you." (Russell Beland, Springfield) ... he moonlights at Jiffy Lube. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) . .. he saves used tongue depressors to make Popsicles for the neighborhood kids. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) ... his surgical mask is made out of human skin. (Eli M. Gateff, Springfield) ... his diploma is from Starfleet Academy (Jan Schloo, Rockville). ... he introduces himself by saying "Hi, I'll be your 'doctor' today" -- with hand quotes. (Jon Miller and Brian Thurber, Bethesda) ... you can tell he expects a tip. (George Wetherill, Washington) Your kid might be hanging with the wrong crowd if... .. he calls his kindergarten teacher "Gangsta Bitch." (Nick Dierman, Potomac; Jeremy Hancock, Arlington) . .. you start most discussions with him by saying, "Put the gun down ..." (Norman Wesley, Pittsburgh) ... his friends have either been "whacked" or are "in the joint." (Jim Seibert, Arlington) ... he asks for his allowance in "Camel Cash." (Sandra Hull, Arlington) ... he has Astroturf lining his truck bed, but won't say what it's for. (Russell Beland, Springfield) ... he suggests it might be a good idea to bulletproof the family car. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) ... even John Thompson wouldn't recruit him. (Katherine L. George, Haymarket) You might consider cutting back on your drinking if. . . ... you have no idea how that mailbox became attached to your wrist. (Stacey Kahn, Washington) ... you find yourself wasting your heroin money on drinks. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) ... paint thinner is becoming too pretentious for you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) ... you keep getting arrested for relieving yourself on airline beverage carts. (Leslie A. Pierce, Alexandria; Russell Beland, Springfield) ... you find yourself choosing your wardrobe by what won't show vomit stains. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) .. your latest get-rich-quick scheme is to win the Style Invitational. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Your spouse might be taking you for granted if ... ... she makes you sleep on the wet spot -- in the cat box. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) ... his idea of housework is remembering to flush the toilet. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) ... she stays up all night talking to Eleanor Roosevelt. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: ... she no longer finds you witty and contends unfairly that your sense of humor is infantile and fixated on bodily functions, such as farting. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) ====================================================================== WEEK 178, published August 11, 1996 Week 178: Deep Throats If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because children should not be having sex. It is easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also check out his Adam's apple. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words -- "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. By my estimation, a song is always a thing of beauty . . Oh, wait -- I forgt about yodeling. Today's contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington, who wins his own underpants. For technically unexplainable reasons, Joseph sent them to us in a FedEx package a year ago, and it has remained in a drawer at The Post. Periodically, someone will open it and ask "What is this?" and we will say, "Joseph Romm's underpants," and they will respond, "Oh." The joke is -- ha ha -- wearing thin. Anyway, Joseph proposes that we ask you to come up with Deep Thoughts, in the Style of Jack Handey of "Saturday Night Live." For those unfamiliar with Mr. Handey's ouevre, we include a few of his examples above, plus a general explanation: A Deep Thought is a short, simple, seemingly inspirational observation that winds up being cynical, ironic, or just plain weird. First-prize winner gets a magnificent taxidermized mouse donated to The Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 178, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Bob Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Do you have, or do you know anyone who has, the worst job in the Washington area? Best examples win stupid prizes and national humiliation. Describe said job to "Style Invitational Bad Jobs Contest," at this address. Employees of The Washington Post and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 175, in which we asked you to surmise what alien anthropologists would conclude about us if they arrived on Earth a million years from now and found only certain specific relics. But first, we need to acknowledge a letter from Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax, whose entries arrived a day after deadline, with a plea for an exemption. Kevin explained how he was out of the country, chaperoning his church group to a work camp in Canada, helping restore the homes of people too sick or poor to do this themselves. Wow. Kevin, we are sympathetic to your case. But under the new welfare reform bill, compassion is expressly forbidden by law. Listen, if we starting bending the rules for you, we would have to make allowances for people with myasthenia gravis, for example. You can see where that would lead. Exemption denied. On to the aliens: * Third Runner Up: A toilet -- "This primitive warrior race armored themselves with heavy porcelain helmets having handy swing-down chin straps." (John Kammer, Herndon) * Second Runner-Up: A brassiere -- "They may not have been totally carbon-based. I'm getting trace indications of silicon." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * First Runner-Up: Plastic bubble-wrap -- "Wow, near the end they must have sold air by the cubic inch! Poor wretches." (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) * And the winner of the "Butts Are Gross" jigsaw puzzle: A toilet, a D.C. taxicab and a tree-shaped air freshener -- "From this elaborate porcelain device for delivering drinking water, and from the unaesthetic coloration on the exterior of their main form of personal transport, suggesting colorblindness, and from the tree icon sprayed with a foul-smelling liquid, we may reliably infer this was a society ruled by dogs." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Honorable Mentions: A toilet and a D.C. taxicab: "One appears to be a vessel for waste disposal and the other ... hmm, what do you suppose this handle is for?" (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) The Sunday Post: "If Marilyn vos Savant was the smartest human alive, they were a race of idiots." (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Mount Rushmore: "It's no wonder they became extinct. They were all the same sex." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Tree-shaped car freshener, a bowling trophy, a Walk/Don't Walk sign: "Examining these objects as a group, we must conclude that this civilization's guiding motto was 'tree, strikes, and your route.' This is such a bad pun they deserved to die out." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A D.C. Taxi: "They were a primitive society using the zone system instead of a meter like everyone else in the universe." (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) A D.C. Taxi: "This was a race of people whose names had no vowels." (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville; Jean Sorensen, Herndon) An umbrella: "Their mai tais must have been awesome." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) A brassiere: "The speculation that this might indicate a society of two-headed creatures is too ludicrous to comment on in a serious journal. Obviously, this device is a feed bag and it was the beasts of burden that were two-headed." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Plastic bubble-wrap: "Look, the last batch of eggs from this planet's inhabitants. Say, no wonder they died out -- one feels strangely compelled to POP them ... " (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) A computer mouse: "The species died out because of poor design. It achieved locomotion by moving about on a single exposed testicle." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A bowling trophy: "Their opposable thumb became very unwieldy and may have contributed to the extinction of the species." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; John Kammer, Herndon) A brassiere: "The inability of our top engineers to open this device suggests it was some sort of manacle." (Joseph Romm, Washington) A Walk/Don't Walk sign and The Post: "This aboriginal society devolved to such a state they could not decide whether to move about without specific instruction. People were literally programmed by computer to do everything. A confirming data point in The Washington Post: The capital city could not operate without a 'control board.'" (Gary Mason, Herndon) A toilet: "We are uncertain of the utility of this item, although we are reporting to Central Command that Lt. Dilphon left the lid up twice today." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 179, published August 18, 1996 Week 179: A Clockwork, Um, Um . . . Er. "I said a filthy Richard the Third when the Trouble and Strife called on the Rag and Bone to say she had left me for a damned Septic Tank." I took the Red Line to the Heaven-Knows-Who, where a two-humped Dorothy Hamill was giving rides to a bunch of spoiled little Baseball Bats. This Week's Contest is based on "Cockney rhyming slang," a bloomin' English form of street jive. Certain key nouns in a sentence are replaced by phrases ending with an unrelated word that rhymes with the original word. The sentence above, for example, makes sense when you realize that "Richard the Third" stands for "word," and "Trouble and Strife" means "wife," and "Rag and Bone" means "telephone," and "Septic Tank" means "Yank." See? Each entry must be a single sentence containing no fewer than three examples of rhyming slang; you may define the phrases separately, though you need not if you feel the meanings are obvious. Best entries will show a subliminally appropriate link between a word and its new translation. Trust us, this sort of grows on you as you noodle around with it. (Spare us dirty words disguised in rhyme. They won't win.) First-prize winner gets a working vintage Lyndon Johnson kitchen clock featuring portraits of all the presidents of the United States, with Lyndon at the top, larger than Lincoln, Washington or FDR. This is worth $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 179, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 176, in which we asked you to describe any of five celebrities in the style of a famous writer. * Third Runner-Up: Hillary Clinton, described by Margaret Wise Brown: Goodnight, lawyer who passed the bar Goodnight, converser with Ms. FDR, Goodnight, investor so totally able, Goodnight, first lady -- hey, what are these files on the table...?(Sue Lin Chong, Washington) * Second Runner-Up: Bob Dole, described by Robert Burns: Auld. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * First Runner-Up: Bill Clinton, described by Edgar Allan Poe Republicans, no friends of Bill's, Not Bill's. Their world of wealth and privilege, With policies he kills. When he tinkers, tinkers, tinkers, With defense and our health care, He encourages those stinkers Who have talk shows on the air. Putting Dole Dole Dole in a dark and ghastly hole. With the kind of legislation That the right wing never thrills, They are Bill's bills, Bill's bills, Bill's bills, Bill's. The conservatively lib'ral bills of Bill's. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) * And the winner of the annotated copy of "Primary Colors": Prince Charles, described by Rudyard Kipling: If you can trim your bleedin' ears, they're such an eyesore And your royal acne looks like gopher holes It's your title, not yer bum, that ladies Di for If you're not sure, just ask Ms. Parker Bowles If you can down her highness's gin and not be stinkin' And squeeze into last year's jodhpurs just for fun, If you can keep your polo balls from shrinkin', You'll still be dead before you're king, my son. (Kitty Thuermer, Washington) * Honorable Mentions: Bob Dole, described by Samuel Taylor Coleridge: It is an ancient Senator, And he stoppeth one of three. By thy long gray beard and glittering eye, Now wherefore stopp'st thou me? "I fear thee, ancient Senator! I fear thy skinny hand! And thou art long, and lank, and old, And thy message is so bland." He went like one that hath been stunned, And is of sense forlorn; A sadder and a wiser man, Back to the Kansas corn. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Sylvester Stallone, described by Adelaide Crapsey See how His eyelid droops Like the flag at half mast Of a nation deeply mourning Its dead. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Sylvester Stallone, described by Howard Stern: I love chicks. Especially knockers. A fine set of hooters really drives me wild. And a tight butt. You know who has good hooters? Pamela Anderson Lee. That Lois Lane, Teri Hatcher, she's got a good rack, too. She did that "Seinfeld" episode, and believe me, they're real. Sly will confirm this. He's a good guy. (Hugh McAloon, Syracuse, N.Y.) Bob Dole, described by Tony Kornheiser: Look, I may be old, fat and bald, but Bob Dole is so old his high school prom date was that Peruvian mummy babe. Of course, Dole has hair, but who does his hair, Jiffy Lube? And what was up with walking around in that T-shirt and shorts? Put an old bathrobe and some slippers on him and he's my Uncle Sid in the nursing home. And what's the deal with that pen in his hand? Did he sign an endorsement deal with Paper Mate? Ba-da-BOOM! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Bill Clinton, described by Jane Austen: Some whispered (or, in truth, shouted) that Mr. Clinton was a gentleman of dubious character, and others suspected he was no gentleman at all. Indeed, he owed his high office more to happy turns of Fortune than to lofty birth. His countenance bore the stamp of his simple upbringing in Arkansashire; it was ruddy, and perhaps too generously endowed with flesh. Yet he had a felicitous talent for persuasion, and his manner was easy and amiable. Thus many townspeople declared Mr. Clinton quite to their taste, while adjudging the dour Mr. Dole altogether too disagreeable. (Gloria Bruce, Hyattsville) Prince Charles, described by Albert Camus: The queen died today. Or maybe it was yesterday. The prince wasn't sure. When someone told him, he didn't say anything. Anyway, he could be king now. It didn't matter, really--it was just a word, king. It only meant a better crown. It was that kind of year, two birds with one stone. First his wife, now his mother. The timing was interesting. He got up on his polo pony and sat. The horse didn't know the queen had died. It was just as well. (Drew Limsky, Washington) Bill Clinton, described by J.D. Salinger: Now there's the phoniest bastard ever to hold public office. He keeps saying how welfare needs reform and all, but that every bill is too hard on the kids. And then you get depressed as hell thinking about some nice kid starving and all just so you could save some dough, so you vote for Clinton because he's this nice sensitive guy. Sensitive my ass. He's just now signing the goddamn thing because he promised he would and he wants to run again. He just wants the votes. All anybody ever wants is the goddamn votes. (George Lazopoulos, Arlington) And Last: Bill Clinton, described by the scribes at the Washington Times: Sources in Little Rock revealed today that President Clinton is an insect. His eyes are at the ends of long crawdad-like stalks, and his tentacles leave a trail of slime. In other developments, it was revealed that Hillary Rodham Clinton, who claims to be his wife, is the shell casing of the larval form of a giant, venom-spitting Sumatran cockroach. . . . (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) ====================================================================== WEEK 180, published August 25, 1996 Week 180: When In Doubt, Pun This week's contest was suggested, sort of, by Geneva Overholser, the ombudsman of the Washington Post. In her column last Sunday, Ms. Overholser complained that The Post carries too many headlines containing puns. She specifically singled out the Sunday Style section for pun-ishment. She proposed a "pun watch" in which readers send in examples of pun-driven headlines they find annoying. Geneva apparently wants more conventional headlines. Geneva wants convention. Get it.? Hahahaha. Anyway, we are not mad at her. You can't criticize someone for just doing her job. She wins a broom. Our main point though, is that Geneva is wrong. We love puns in headlines. We think The Post doesn't have enough puns in its headlines. And so we propose a 'Pun Watch' of our own. This Week's Contest is to take any headline in today's Post and improve it by somehow turning it into a pun. The new headline must basically describe the story, but it must utilize a pun to do so, the more tortured the better. Make sure you tell us what the original headline was, and what page it was on. First-prize winner gets a pair of elephant-lens sunglasses from the Republican convention and a blinking, GOP microchip lapel pin. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 180, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Tuesday, Sept 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post Employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 177, in which we asked you to explain the meaning of any of six sounds. * Fifth Runner-Up: What is "E-I-E-I-Ow"? Old MacDonald had an apiary . . . (Fil Feit, Annandale) * Fourth Runner-Up: What is "Fa la la la la la la la thud"? Decking the halls beyond their structural integrity. (John Kammer, Herndon) * Third Runner-Up: What is "E-I-E-I-Ow"? The nuns always used a metal-tipped ruler to enforce "I before E." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Second Runner-Up: What is "Kevork Kevork"? It's a hell of a town, where the battery's hooked up and the electrocardiogram is down.(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * First Runner-Up: What is "Fa la la la la la la la thud"? Back in Romania, Bela Karolyi's gymnastics school was so poor, the girls had to sing their own musical accompaniment for their floor exercises. (Mike Hammer, Washington) * And the winner of the deer-tooth necklace: What is "Nyuck nyuck nyuck BANG"? T.S. Eliot's original, inferior explanation of how the world ends. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) * Honorable Mentions: What is "Hamahamahamahamahama"? John Sununu's middle name. (Don Maclean, Burke) A Yamaha idling, next to a Harley. (Karen Huff, Dale City) This summarizes the career of rapper Hammer after he dropped the M.C. from his name. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What Joe Klein should have said. (James Ascher, Alexandria) How Boy George will sound singing "Karma Chameleon" at 92. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What is "Fa la la la la la la la thud?" The sound of a Christmas caroler singing his heart out. (Kathy Kielmeyer, Vienna) Santa Klutz (Susan Reese, Arlington) Gerald Ford sings your all-time favorite Christmas carols! (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) As FDR rolled out of control down the hill, he called in vain for his little dog. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What is "Nyuck nyuck nyuck BANG"? The name of the vice president of South Vietnam, circa 1969. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The launch of a Three-Stooge rocket, ending in failure. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) An inner-city version of Duck Duck Goose. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Unable to prove Hillary killed Vince Foster, Al D'Amato explains his new theory that the Three Stooges did it. (Jan Verrey, Alexandria) A clip from Stoogez N the Hood. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) What is "Kevork Kevork"? Boutros Boutros-Ghali's personal physician. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) The dreaded sound of the Pogo Stick of the Apocalypse (Peter Ward, Arlington) Starting up the suicide machine on a cold day. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Sirhan Sirhan's cousin, who has a more subtle approach. (Jim Seibert, Arlington) What the Budweiser frogs say when they are dying of cirrhosis of the liver. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What is "Fizz Fizz Plop Plop"? Coca-Colon. Wait, no! Poopsi-Cola. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) The sound of Olympic swimmers diving into the pool if Coca-Cola had been allowed to implement all of its plans in Atlanta (Mark Pilloff, Fort Washington) What is "Whoooo? Whoooo? Ewwwwww " An owl finds a pubic hair in his mouse. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Bullets fans on Draft Day. (Anthony Sebro, Washington) Next Week: Deep Throats ====================================================================== WEEK 181, published September 1, 1996 Week 181: You Can Take It to Debunk Famous slogan to be debunked: "There is no wrong way to eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup." 1. Loading it into a .357 Magnum and having it fired into your mouth. 2. Coating it with cyanide, then eating it. 3. Having it "pre-chewed." Today's contest was suggested by Arthur C. Adams and Mike Young of Laurel, who win official NFL realistic dashboard figurines of Dan Marino, who looks exactly like Liberace, and Brett Favre, who looks like Howdy Doody. Arthur and Mike suggest that you take a common slogan or saying -- it can be an aphorism, or from an ad, or from poetry or literature -- and prove it wrong with at least one example. Winner gets a box of 36 vintage "Eggbert and Eggberta" cocktail napkins, featuring the antics of two fetuses; this was a remarkably tasteless comic strip popular in the early 1960s. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 181, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 178, in which you were asked to imitate Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts." Third Runner-Up: I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: I once heard the voice of God. It said, "Vrrrrmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. (John Grunwell, Olney) First Runner-Up:I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Plato and Aristotle gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and we wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements, and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. (Philip Vitale, Arlington) And the winner of the freeze-dried mouse: If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be, until the looting started. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth, that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally, but I didn't want to upset him. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Home is where the house is. (John MacDonald, Washington) Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. (Betsy Earp, Columbia) You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him gargle. (Matt Barazia, Falls Church) As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of a year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. (Hank Maine, Arlington) Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot and a great big bag of money. (Steven King, Alexandria) The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts went there and found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. (Ted Roberts, Alexandria) Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! (Jeff Bridgman, Herndon) I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. (Jason Steinhorn, Silver Spring) The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding," or . . . (Bob Sprague, Alexandria) People who look at you strangely are not necessarily aliens, but it's often safest to just take the quarter and move on. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Once I wept, for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he needed them, right? (Christopher Johnson, Herndon) When I go to Heaven I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and old-man smell. (Helene Haduch, Washington) I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of his life? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then I remember it is because he sucks. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) I told my girlfriend that I would always be there for her. I think she appreciated that, but the other women in the sauna seemed mad. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say dot com. (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I have found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) And Last: I used to scoff at people who said, "What goes around comes around." Then The Washington Post sent me back my underpants. (Joseph Romm, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 182, published September 8, 1996 Week 182: Can You Stop This? "You're not going to believe what I had to do to upgrade to 6.0." "Don't you realize that what you're chewing right now had parents?" "I don't believe in owning a television set." "Whatever you do, don't make me laugh too hard. My underwear's rented." "Tonight, I will amuse you with examples of rhyming cockney slang. 'Ello, 'ello, blimey, mate " This Week's Contest was suggested by Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who wins a Masters of the Universe lunch box. Sarah suggests that you come up with a conversation stopper, a line likely to end all further discourse, perhaps even empty a room. First-prize winner gets a box containing more than a hundred vintage thumb-size Smurf dolls and Smurf paraphernalia, including but not limited to an official Smurf mushroom home and what appears to be a Smurf athletic supporter, all mailed to us by Gail Rogers of Falls Church. Gail collected these items painstakingly through her childhood, each small plastic item a link to an idyllic time of innocence and creative fantasy, the magic of which poets through the millennia have tried and failed to capture. Gail traded them for a bumper sticker. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 182, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept 16. cq/sbf Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Tom Witte of Gaithersburg for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 179, in which we asked you to come up with cockney rhyming slang, that devilishly droll manner of speaking that inspired an avalanche of humorous mail, mostly about what a stupid idea the contest was. It is rare that the Czar will admit to error, but the results of this contest leave him no choice. The entries were astonishingly bad, even submissions from the cleverest of our regular contributors. The entries were so strained and unfunny that none is remotely publishable, leading to the rather humiliating admission that we erred, and erred badly. There are times in life when one must simply admit one's mistakes, assume the blame entirely and move onward with humility. Accordingly, we hereby promise to never again inflict upon you a contest that is beyond your intellectual capacities. Fortunately, we have unfinished business that will take up a lot of column space. Some time ago, in the fine print, we challenged you to complete this knock-knock joke: "Knock." / "You mean knock-knock, don't you?" / "No, just knock." / "Okay, who's there?" / "Boutros." / "You mean Boutros-Boutros, don't you?" / "No, just Boutros." / "Okay, Boutros who?" Nearly 100 people tried for a last line, but only one wins the duck. The final line: "Boutros. Boutros-Boutros's half brother." (Richard DeMello, Alexandria) And last, we solicited questions for the Czar, promising he would answer them honestly. Here are the winning questions and his answers. 1. Why do you use the first person plural, as though you were the Queen of England or something? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Because we like to create the impression that our column is some gigantic enterprise, a clattering factory of researchers, fact-checkers and copy editors, overseen by a team of professional humor experts answering to the command of a single uber-journalist of such stature and renown that among his retinue of bootlicking sycophants are Bob Woodward and Ben Bradlee as opposed to a single foul cubicle in the newsroom containing, um, us. 2. What happens to us after we die? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) We go to a place where everything is funny and divine retribution is the rule. Pompous people are compelled to dress like Donald Duck, with a shirt but no pants. The streets are festooned with renowned works of art by LeRoy Neiman and $300 designer shoes by Bruno Magli and ostentatious Rolex watches and priceless Faberge eggs, but dogs walk around peeing on them. This all lasts about an hour. Then a fat guy with a clipboard shows up and starts taking names. We're not sure what comes after that, but we think it is bad. 3. Is the kazoo a legitimate woodwind instrument? (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Yes, because it collects saliva. A spittoon is a legitimate brass instrument. A better question is why toilet paper is divided into squares so small it is impossible for anyone to use just one. That puzzles us. 4. Just who do you think you are? (Russell Beland, Springfield) We cannot be sure, but we think we might be the reincarnation of Giuseppe Zangara, the rabid anarchist assassin who shot and killed the mayor of Chicago in 1932 because he thought it would relieve his stomachache. He is our spiritual forebear. 5. If the winner of a contest dies in the week after they won, does the first runner-up automatically assume the crown? Basically, if there is a mass murder of contestants, is there any chance Newt Gingrich will win the Style Invitational? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) The U.S. Constitution does provide for an official order of succession for winners of the Style Invitational, and it is theoretically possible, in the event of, say, an Ebola outbreak, that we would get to Newt. But it is unlikely. He is right below Vanilla Ice. 6. Has the Czar ever caved in to evil superiors on matters of taste? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Yes. It is an amazing and true fact that the Executive Editor of the Washington Post -- a man of global power and prestige whom presidents and captains of industry and foreign potentates must cozy up to, a man whose routine daily decisions can launch careers, destroy reputations and influence world financial markets -- spends an inordinate percentage of his time ruling on questions such as whether The Style Invitational can say "poopy-hole." Sometimes he says no. There exists in The Washington Post database a file containing censored Style Invitational entries. It is side-splittingly funny. You will never, ever see it in print unless the Czar one day elects to seek other employment via an astounding act of corporate sabotage. 7. How much editing of entries do you do? (Mark Greenblatt, Potomac) To achieve maximum humor, we will occasionally make small changes in the precise wording of an entry. For example, the original question No. 7, as it came in, read: "Why do you make so many mistakes, misspelling names and misattributing entries such as when I finally won a contest after two years of trying but you credited my answer to someone else?" We thought it was funnier this way. 8. Did you know that Mike Royko recently picked up from the Internet and printed in his nationally syndicated column, verbatim, without attribution, the results of the Style Invitational bad-analogies contest? Shouldn't he be ashamed of himself? Is there any way we can make him pay? (Tom Green, Cabin John) Mike Royko is a giant of journalism, and if he chooses to rip you off, even inadvertently, you shouldn't be petty about it. You should take it as a compliment. Hey, what are you going to do, inundate him with endless legal threats and taunts and insults and idiotic knock-knock jokes -- basically the cyberspace equivalent of a filibuster -- through incessant entries to his secret personal private Internet address, MikeRoykoaol.com? 9. Do women ever send you underpants as an inducement to let them win? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Not until approximately three days from now. 10. Could the results of the cockney rhyming slang contest possibly have been so bad that this stupid interview is better? Yes. The single finest entry we received, by Roy Ashley of Washington, is "Take this corncob and shove it." It wins the LBJ clock, which is, to our certainty, the greatest example of something for nothing since Janet Cooke won the Pulitzer Prize. Next Week: When In Doubt, Pun ====================================================================== WEEK 183, published September 15, 1996 Week 183: Cockney Rhyming Slang II. Who wants some pudding, nice and hot? 'Tis now the time to try it; Just taken from the smoking pot! And taste before ye buy it! Old chairs to mend, old chairs to mend. If I'd as much money as I could spend, I'd leave off crying 'Old chairs to mend.' Your copper, kettles, pots and stew pans, Tho' old, shall serve instead of new pans. I'm very moderate in my charge For mending small as well as large! This week's contest was proposed by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park, who wins a roll of Saddam Hussein toilet paper. Jonathan suggests that we bounce back from the disastrous "Cockney Rhyming Slang" contest with our heads held high and our private parts exposed. Why not rebound fearlessly, sez he, with an Old London Street Cries contest. Old London street cries were the simple jingles -- usually in rhyme, usually deliberately amusing -- that street vendors babbled to hawk their wares or services. Those are real ones printed above. Jonathan suggests that you create hawkers' rhymes for modern-day occupations like lobbyists, lawyers, talk show hosts, actuaries, etc. First, give us the occupation, then give us the jingle, at a maximum of four lines. It must contain at least one rhyme. First-prize winner gets a limited-edition Dwight Eisenhower presidential plate, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 183, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jennifer Hart of Arlington for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 180, in which we asked you to take any story from that day's Post and rewrite the headline into a pun, the more strained the better. * Third Runner-Up: For a story on Saddam Hussein's thrust against Kurdish rebels: Saddam Finds Kurds in His Way (Scott Barton, Vienna) * Second Runner-Up: For a story on a tense U.S.-Canadian border dispute over salmon fishing: Poached Salmon Invite Whine (David Genser, Vienna) * First Runner-Up: For a favorable review of a book on tribal violence in Rwanda: Hutu, Tutsi: Good Buy! (G. Smith, Falls Church) * And the winner of the GOP sunglasses and lapel pin: For a story on President Clinton being confident of reelection: The Buoy in the Bubba (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Honorable Mentions: For a story on the Citadel's decision to admit women: Citadel Broadens Enrollment(Sarah Worcester, Bowie) For a story on a gas explosion in Kemp, Tex.: Kemp Takes Hit From Gas Pipeline (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) For a story on President Clinton announcing a registry of the nation's sex offenders: Pedo-File in White House! (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) For a story on an exiled Iranian leader who claims Tehran ordered executions: Bani-Sadr, After Being Thrown Out at Home: 'Iran Debases' (Jason Steinhorn, Rockville) For a story on tribal violence in Rwanda: 'Help Me': Rwanda (Jim Barnes, Leesburg) For a story on the harvesting of rocks in Loudoun County, for building stone walls: Stones Appear in Concert in Loudoun (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) For a story on Kemp campaigning in familiar territory: Kemp Goes Where People Know Jack (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) For a story on the followers of questionable financial guru Charles Givens, who feel cheated and want their money back. Robbin' Givens? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) For a story on President Clinton watching to see how much "bounce" Dole will get from the convention: Prez Checks Bounce (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) For a story on skipjack pilots raising money by hiring out their boats for pleasure cruises: Sharing Without Shellfishness (Susan Reese, Arlington) For a story on the strange durability of the works of Ayn Rand: Ayn the Rand Played On (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) For a story on the administration's rejection of rules to make logging easier: Loggers Wooden Mind a Few More Owlternatives (Jennifer Hart, Owlington) For a story on a salmon-stocking dispute between the United States and Canada: A King Salmon-Like Decision (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) For a story on a salmon-stocking dispute between the United States and Canada:For the same story: If Lox Could Kill (David Genser, Vienna) For a story on native Hawaiians asking for their island back: Hawaiians Poi-sed for Independence (John MacDonald, Washington) For a story about an explosion that hurt two people at the World Series of Golf: Explosion in Akron Leaves Two Under Par (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) Next Week: You Can Take It to Debunk Special Style Invitational Supplement: In an article a few weeks ago on Mysteries of the Millennium, we printed a poem, allegedly in the words of Nostradamus, foretelling the identity of Deep Throat. We challenged you to decipher it. Thirty people tried. Half thought the quatrain was altogether without meaning, which it wasn't. Fourteen made game but pathetic efforts to decode it. But one person, Kate Renner of Rockville, wrote us one of the more astonishing letters we have ever received. In these four published lines, Kate found references to 10 plausible candidates for Deep Throat. We will say only this: She found names we had indeed hidden, and others that we hadn't. She found connections we never intended. She proved absolutely the thesis that the secret of brilliant prophecy is evocative gibberish. The quatrain: Twixt black and white, in raiment as sturdy as the lion's hips, Raptor will stalk burgher, and anoint Teutonic lips With tender touch. The mate, e'en More he who finds himself in charge, Shall him bring down the son of Nick in words that are writ large. Kate observes that the only thing between black and white is the color gray, a reference to L. Patrick Gray, the erstwhile FBI director. In tandem, "lion" and "raiment" inescapably suggest Leonard Garment, former White House counsel. The raptor, she says, is either Egil Krogh or J. Fred Buzhardt, two Watergate insiders. The burgher is clearly former secretary of defense Caspar Weinberger or, alternately, the raptor-burgher nexus creates Laurence Eagleburger, the former secretary of state. For reasons both of semiotics and ethnology, anointing Teutonic lips can mean only Henry Kissinger, and "tender touch" is an obvious reference to former senator Lowell Weicker; weich means soft or tender in German. "The mate, e'en More," refers obliquely to John Dean, the mate of Maureen. "He who finds himself in charge" is a barely veiled reference to Alexander Haig's unfortunate pronouncement in a moment of crisis. And the son of Nick is inarguably the toppled president. Kate wins the fabulous drinking duck, plus our admiration, plus an uneasy suspicion that she might know more than she is letting on. ====================================================================== WEEK 184, published September 22, 1996 Week 184: ED ANGUISH If you ask me, we should not only outlaw handguns but steak knives, too. Having fewer knives around will reduce crime. Plastic sporks work very nicely with most tofu and vegetable patties. Soup spoons alone seem more than sufficient in prison cafeterias. And speaking of prisons, they seem unnecessarily harsh; why not replace this barbaric form of punishment with "timeouts" the way they do in kindergarten This Week's Contest was sort of suggested by Ed Anger, the rabid, sputum-spewing right-wing columnist from that fabulous supermarket tabloid, the Weekly World News. Ed has just published his first book of columns, titled "Let's Pave the Stupid Rainforests and Give School Teachers Stun Guns." Ed takes wildly conservative positions on such subjects as the death penalty ("We could hot-wire portable bleachers and zap up to 500 sex fiends, murderers, and crooked congressmen at the same time "); geopolitics ("Let's drop an A-bomb on France . did you know that eight out of ten French soldiers wounded in World War II were shot in the butt?"); gays in the military ("Why not give the sissy boys a shot, for crying out loud? I don't care if they wear pink uniforms and roller-skate to the front lines as long as they get there and plug a few of the enemy"); and animal rights ("If these bleeding-heart nincompoops have their way, we'll all be eating asparagus casseroles as the centerpiece of our holiday feasts instead of Christmas hams ... I'd eat Porky Pig himself in a heartbeat."). Anyway, this week's contest is to become a liberal Ed Anger. Create an argument on some social issue, in 75 words or fewer, taking an extreme liberal view. First-prize winner gets a huge 1950s-era American flag, with 48 stars, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 184, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads hereby solicits name-calling; we want colorful, inventive names to describe people with physical attributes not usually subject to derision. For example, a man with no butt might be "Flatso." Also: Someone with bony elbows, or neck wattles, or three chins, or a gap between his front teeth, or hairy ears, or an outie bellybutton, or huge feet, or a cowlick. Many fine prizes for winners. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 181, in which we asked you to take some aphorism or advertising slogan and disprove it with at least one example. * Second Runner-Up: "The best things in life are free." Disproved: O.J. Simpson.(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) * First Runner-Up: "Nothing beats a great pair of L'Eggs." Disproved: Jeff Gillooly. (Betsy Sampson, Washington) * And the winner of the Eggbert and Eggberta cocktail napkins: "Faint heart never won a fair lady." Disproved: The faint heart of nonagenarian millionaire J. Howard Marshall is pretty clearly what won him Anna Nicole Smith. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * Honorable Mentions: "Trix are for kids." Disproved: Dick Morris, Hugh Grant, Charlie Sheen (Victoria Moss, Alexandria; Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game." Disproved: Russian roulette. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "Laughter is the best medicine." Disproved, in one word: Hernia. (David M. Smith, Greenbelt) "Everything tastes good when it sits on a Ritz." Disproved: Live wasp. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "He who laughs last laughs best." Disproved: Ed McMahon. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Happiness is a warm puppy." Disproved: Not if it's still warm from the microwave. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "A man's home is his castle." Disproved: You are Prince Charles, in which case your home is your mom's castle. (Philip Vitale, Arlington) Everything is better with Blue Bonnet on it. Disproved: The Beltway at rush hour. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "If you can read this, thank a teacher." Disproved: What if it took you more than five minutes to read it? (Philip Vitale, Arlington) "The customer is always right." Disproved: The customer wants a corned beef and peanut butter on rye. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) "It is better to light one small candle than curse the darkness." Disproved: You are in an oil refinery. (Dave Singer, Fairfax) "Nothing beats a great pair of L'Eggs." Disproved: Well, to tell you the truth, I prefer a great pair of B'Unns. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Life begins at forty." Disproved: Pat Buchanan's kid, or Randall Terry's, or Phyllis Schlafly's, or Ralph Reed's, for whom life, of course, began at conception. (Art Chenowith & Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville) "Don't tread on me." Disproved: Dick Morris. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "If you build it, they will come." Disproved: Euro Disney. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "You can't judge a book by its cover." Disproved: A matchbook. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Two heads are better than one." Disproved: You live near Chernobyl. (Steven King, Alexandria) "It ain't over till it's over." Disproved: The Dream Team vs. Sri Lanka. (Jerrold M. Witcher, Takoma Park) "First, let's kill all the lawyers." Disproved: Actually, this one works for me. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) * And Last: "Quitters never win and winners never quit." Disproved: What about (1) people who quit smoking, and (2) Ken Krattenmaker of Landover Hills? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Next Week: Can You Stop This? ====================================================================== WEEK 185, published September 29, 1996 Week 185: WonderLUST The Hanging Gardens of Babylon The Great Pyramids at Giza The Colossus of Rhodes The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus The Statue of Zeus at Olympia The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus The Lighthouse of Alexandria This week's contest was proposed by Dave Ferry of Leesburg, who wins a copy of "Six Drown Saving Chicken," a collection of weird but true stories compiled by Reuter. (Second-best headline: "Tapeworm Found in Frog-Eating Fugitive's Brain.") Anyway, Dave proposes that you come up with replacements for the Seven Wonders of the World, which are magnificent gigantic inspiring achievements of mankind that no one gives a crap about anymore. The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus? Get real. To qualify as a Style Invitational Wonder of the World, an object must really exist, and be man-made and, in some way, awesome. That's it. You don't have to come up with all seven. We will choose a winner and six runners-up. The winner gets a great relic, the official NASA footage of Apollo 11, sold in 1969 by Columbia Pictures home movie. It is on an 8 millimeter reel; it's worth $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 185, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads is also soliciting nominations for replacements for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The current ones are Famine, Pestilence, Death and Destruction. We have great cheesy prizes for the winners. The Faerie also wishes to thank Bob Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 182, in which you were asked to come up with conversation stoppers -- lines guaranteed to end all discourse, possibly even empty a room. Several people reported having heard just such lines. Cissie Owens of Leesburg says a Russian friend of hers, whose English is aggressive but imprecise, once silenced a dinner party by inquiring, "Can I taste your toilet?" Also, Laura Romstedt of Vienna reports that her mother once brought a cocktail party to a thudding halt by announcing, "I have five living children." Third Runner-Up: "So I asked the barber to cut my hair a little more like Hitler's."(David Howe, Washington) Second Runner-Up: "That's not an urban myth. I know the guy it happened to!" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) First Runner-Up: "I do a hilarious impression of Stephen Hawking. Want to see?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of the box of Smurf figurines: "I'd love to stay for dessert, but I have to go home and feed my hostage." (Tom Henry, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: "I don't get humor." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "We prefer that our children refer to their sexual organs by the proper anatomical names, rather than use euphemisms." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "Okay, everyone all together now ... My bo-log-na has a first name. . ." (Helene Haduch, Washington) "Did you ever realize that Saddam Hussein rhymes with Saddam who-is-insane?" (Jules Rubinstein, Potomac) "No, I live alone. I had roommates once, but they were torn apart by invisible demons in the living room.I have to go wash my hands now." (Dan Williamson, Chicago) "Want to hear a rendition of 'In a Gadda Da Vida' using only my hand and armpit? Frap frp frap-frp frap frp FRAPP frp frp ..." (Tobin Hill, Ft. Washington) "I know who killed Ted Kennedy." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "How can we discuss the meaning of anything until we know the meaning of 'meaning'? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Just think, in a future life, I will have been who I am today!" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Ah, yes, the Macarena. Does that not imply a spicy "macaronic" admixture of Latin and vernacular whilst drolly suggesting the primitive gaiety of the macaco lemur?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Did you know that until the invention of Cran-Grape, Cran-Raspberry and the other cranberry drinks, 'cranberry' was the only word in which 'cran' appeared?" (Dan Williamson, Chicago) "These extra Y chromosomes are driving me crazy!" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett park) " You can't unload the bowling balls with a PITCHFORK!" (Ned Bent, Herndon) "Both my wife and I are adopted. For all we know, we could be brother and sister!" (Frank Franz, Fairfax) "I think you mean, to each his OR HER own." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "Talk about tired -- I've spent the whole day in court, testifying against the Mob." (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) "Don't you think it's about time they dropped the U from UFO?" (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) "Do you think Smurfette was gay? No, I'm serious." (Bonnie Speary Devore, Rockville) "Well, as Popeye is wont to say, blow me down." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) "Sometimes, I break my knee on purpose." (Dan Woltman, Arlington) "Wait, wait, I think I have a coupon. " (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Isn't your baby supposed to be talking by this age?" (Phyllis Ryer, Washington) "Who wants to play biblical trivial pursuit?" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "I like socks because they make my feet feel loved." (Helene Haduch, Washington) "If we had Sharon Pratt Kelly back, we wouldn't be in the pickle we are in now." (Robert Greenblatt, Silver Spring) "Et tu, Brute?" (Of course, this alone won't clear a room. You'll need several friends to stab you while you say it.) (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) "Have you ever seen one of those flat typewriters that has a TV attached to it?" (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) "In the early 1970s, I was a Nixon lickspittle." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Sorry about spilling a drink on your rug. I guess you'll be wanting to spank me now." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "Catch Lehrer the other night?" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Does anyone know where I can get an inflatable doll repaired? I want one-hour service." (J.F. Martin, Birmingham, Ala.) "Ever notice how a cockroach's egg sac looks just like a Rice Krispie?" (Earl Gilbert, La Plata.) Next Week: Cockney Rhyming Slang II ====================================================================== WEEK 186, published October 6, 1996 Week 186: CALLING THE TOON This week's contest: Who are these people? What are they doing? Answer one, or more than one. First-prize winner gets a vintage velour John F. Kennedy throw rug, a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 186, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. We continue to solicit new candidates for the new Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and names to call people with unusual physical attributes, such as nose hair. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 183, in which you were invited to come up with new versions of old London street chants, inventing rhymes to advertise modern-day services. Sixth Runner-Up -- Tollbooth operator: Two bits, four bits, six for a truck! No waitin', guv'ner, drive right up! You pays yer money and takes yer chance Because I'm not wearin' any pants.(David Genser, Vienna) Fifth Runner-Up -- Phone sales specialist: I am a telemarketer My product is a winner I'll call and tell you all about it When you're having dinner. (Jim Tierney, Fairfax Station) Fourth Runner-Up -- A street mime: (Walks as if into the wind) (Now like he's in a box, pinned) (Limps like he's lame in the leg) (Doffs make-believe hat to beg) (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Third Runner-Up -- A televangelist: Want to get through that pearly gate? Just make sure my check's not late. Think how shameful it will be, Arriving in heaven COD (Susan Reese, Arlington) Second Runner-Up -- Telephone sex operator: Dial 1-900 for some time with me Three dollars a minute is my fee My voice is so snuggly You'll never guess that I'm ugly. (Russell Beland, Springfield) First Runner-Up -- Metrorail driver: Ferbl gut wash er ton. Brbble znpp grrersnor. Necher schtoop barhston Pleshzer stint kerr door. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And the winner of the Dwight Eisenhower presidential plate: A D.C. paving crew: We're 14 guys who'll work for you. We're eight watching four helping two. City road crews make work for all: No job's too big; no job's too small. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) u Honorable Mentions: Resume enhancer: ... son of a gun We'll have some fun On the bio. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) White-collar defense attorney: Hire me as your lawyer The judge will acquit thee. I'll find a glove That won't fit ye. (Michael D. Kane, Fort Collins, Colo.) Modernist poet: Oh would you care for some verse Metaphor, Imagery, Symbolism. But as a modern poet, Rarely does my work scan or rhyme. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Suicide doctor: Feeling fearful, down, depressed? I'll put those fears, and you, to rest. For you, my van is always handy, Hawking death like penny candy. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Spin doctor: Who wants to get himself elected? I spin each issue, trend and pollster. I'm the hired gun that should be selected If I could just keep it in my holster. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Mortgage lender: Do you like this house, my dear? Sign here, and here, and here. And here, and here, and here, and here, And here, and here, and here. (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) Management consultant: Total Quality Management Hack! I'm overpaid for doing jack. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) London prostitute: Blimey! Try me. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Urologist: Let me look Let me see Why it hurts When you pee. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Psychotherapist: Bring out your dread! Bring out your dread! For a hefty fee, I'll shrink your head! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Grocery checker: I'll ring your groceries really fast So you won't have conniptions, And I'll never yell "PRICE CHECK" and wave Your hemorrhoid prescriptions. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Politician: My ethical standards are fraught With taboos against bribes and such stuff. Just remember: I cannot be bought Unless you should offer enough. (William E. Bradford, Washington) Proctologist: I am a happy vendor of health care proctological, Though I be the butt of jokes scatological, Treating polyps, I find, is oddly inspirational And fabulous training for the Style Invitational. (Michael Baird, Derwood) u And Last -- Rapper: I rap about bitches, And violence with guns. But I got some morals: I don't do no puns. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Next Week: Ed Anguish ====================================================================== WEEK 187, published October 13, 1996 Week 187: Race to the Finish Line 1. You will rejoice to hear that no disaster has accompanied the commencement of an enterprise which you have regarded with such evil forebodings. 2. On an April night in 1993 I sat in the cab of my pickup truck with a rifle in my lap, deciding whether to kill myself. 3. "The marvelous thing is that it is painless," he said. "That's how you know when it starts." 4. It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. 5. This was an extraordinary mission. No presidential aides had ever done what they were about to do 6. He was a big fellow, looking seriously pale on the streets of Harlem in deep summer. 7. "Where's Papa going with that ax?" said Fern to her mother as they were setting the table for breakfast. "Your father," said mother, "thinks he's Paul Bunyan. He even ties branches onto Scruffy's head and pretends he's that stupid blue ox." This Week's Contest: Above are the real first lines of some famous literary works. In 75 words or fewer, continue the story line in a productive fashion. Do one, or more than one. You do not have to know the actual work to complete it; this is a humor contest, not a literary quiz. First-Prize winner gets a framed print of Dogs Playing Poker, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 187, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jennifer Hart of Arlington for today's Ear No One Reads. A fine prize awaits the person who correctly identifies the most first lines, above; a tie goes to the first entry received. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 184, in which we asked you to come up with hole-in-the-head, hyper-liberal editorials as a counterpoint to Ed Anger, the insanely conservative pseudonymous columnist for the Weekly World News. * Fourth Runner-Up: While thousands of children in Third World countries continue to go to bed hungry each night, shockingly we continue to bury our dead (Robin D. Grove, Washington) * Third Runner-Up: It is not health care we need to socialize. It is health. The federal government should require that everyone be equally healthy. The sick should be compelled to infect the well (David Genser, Vienna) * Second Runner-Up: If we must execute criminals, death by lethal injection seems an unusually cruel method. People are afraid of needles. Why can't they just put the medication in a lollipop and (Kathy Kennedy, Vienna) * First Runner-Up: I'm not satisfied with merely suspending that 6-year-old boy for kissing a girl. Let's just castrate him now and (Joseph Romm, Washington) * And the winner of the 48-Star American flag: No one seems to realize we could save the lives of thousands of innocent animals with organs harvested from human donors (John Kammer, Herndon) * Honorable Mentions: We aren't doing enough to save wetlands. It's not enough to just stop people from building in the Everglades and other swamps. I say people shouldn't be able to build within 100 feet of any puddle, or, for that matter, 100 feet of where anyone spits. There's life in spit, you know, and it needs protection. (Joseph Romm, Washington) If all pedophiles were required to do community service in kindergartens, they would see how adorable little children are, and regret their actions, and there would be no need for further punishment (Leslie Pierce, Alexandria) Motorcycle helmet laws are clearly not enough. It is obvious from examining accident statistics that a law requiring Americans to wear helmets at all times, including while asleep, would vastly reduce the number of head injuries and lighten the burden of our health care system. A greatly expanded corps of OSHA inspectors (Ken Clair, Charlottesville) PETA activists are right, but they don't go far enough. Driving should be outlawed since a car traveling down the highway kills countless insects each day. Vegetarianism is wrong, since vegetables are living organisms. People should not be allowed to bathe, since that most decidedly kills any number of defenseless bacteria and other microorganisms(Mark Farrell, Vienna) My kid came home from school the other day and showed me a picture she'd drawn of George Washington. You can imagine my shock and horror when I saw she had drawn a white male. Why we must always define our heroes by race and gender (Ellen Lamb, Washington) They can take my bong when they pry it out of my cold, dead hand (David Genser, Vienna) In the next Olympics, medal winners should be awarded certificates of participation instead of medals so that no one's feelings will be hurt (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) It is long past time for at least one rap verse in the national anthem (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) We have not gone far enough in bilingual education. The self-image of a child whose first language is neither Spanish nor English will tragically drop. Why not trilingual? Why stop there? I think a different language for each class is needed. Homeroom in English. Math in Russian. History in French. English in Spanish (Philip Vitale, Arlington) How can these right-wing knuckleheads be for the death penalty but against abortion? What, now it's like fishing? You have to throw 'em back until they're big enough to kill? (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) * And Last: I'm as steamed as a medley of spring vegetables over the noninclusiveness of The Style Invitational. By not printing all submissions, the editor of this feature is invalidating the aspirations of thousands of non-selected contributors. All entries should be printed regardless of merit (Michael Baird, Derwood) Next Week: Wonderlust ====================================================================== WEEK 188, published October 20, 1996 Week 188: Blankety Blanks 1. It's not the ---------------------, it's the-----------------------. 2. If you-----------------------------, they will--------------------------. 3. You can--------------------------------, but you can't---------------------------- . 4. If they can----------------------------, why can't they------------------------ ? It's not the horrific taste of liver, it's the strange way it feels on your feet when you use it as bedroom slippers. Today's contest was suggested by Jerry Pannullo of Kensington, who wins a "colonoscopy swab," which is basically a 15-inch Q-Tip with a head the size of a grape. This fine prize was donated to the Style Invitational by Louis Y. Korman of Chevy Chase, the Czar's personal physician. Observation: The last personal physician to a czar was stood up against a wall and shot. Anyway, Jerry suggests that you complete any of the above sentences, substituting your own phrases for the well-known omitted words. (Samples: If you commit a murder with ill-fitting clothes, they will acquit you; You can put a burger on the grill, but you can't do the same thing with angel-hair pasta.) First-prize winner gets a limited-edition handsomely packaged bottle of Elvis cologne, from 1991, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 188, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jennifer Hart of Arlington for today's Ear No One Reads. We are also soliciting fight songs for the high school football team named below. Best one gets a bar of soap from the Bates Motel. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 185, in which you were asked to come up with replacements for the current Seven Wonders of the World. We wanted grand fanciful inventions, but most of the entries were compendiums of real roadside weirdnesses, which are on post cards and published in various books of kitschy Americana. Most of these bored us, but we were intrigued by two. The first was the famous Urinal Used by John F. Kennedy, Verified With a Plaque, at Reilly Stadium in Salem, Ohio. We regret to report that under close journalistic scrutiny, this item turned out to be a blatant fabrication. We personally interviewed Randy Engle, superintendent of schools of Salem, Ohio, who informed us icily that there is not, nor has there ever been, such a urinal at Reilly Stadium, home of the Salem High School Fighting Quakers. "A lot of tourists stop by wanting to see where JFK peed," he says. He is getting pretty darned tired of it. The second real Wonder of the World, sub-mitted by Fred Dawson of Beltsville, checked out, however. It is Lee Harvey Oswald's Can Opener, on permanent exhibit in the Gafford Family Museum, near Crowell, Tex. The curator of the museum, Bettie B. Gafford, confirmed the existence of the can opener, and explained its provenance. A long time ago, Mrs. Gafford was friends with Lee's mom, Marguerite Oswald. One day Marguerite received a letter from Lee, who had by that time defected to Russia. On the outside of the envelope, "written on the back, where you lick the flap to seal it," Mrs. Gafford recalls, was a note asking his mother to mail him some items, including his can opener. Mrs. Oswald had the can opener packed away, so Mrs. Gafford offered to mail to Lee her own can opener, which she did, and in exchange Mrs. Oswald gave her Lee's can opener, which is now under glass, on permanent display. Incredibly, it is not the most popular exhibit at the Gafford Family Museum, because Mrs. Gafford does not advertise it. Sometimes she won't even tell visitors about it. She fears knowledge of its existence would attract riffraff, or, as she puts it, "people off the highway. I don't want that class of clientele." The most popular exhibit at the Gafford Family Museum near Crowell, Tex.? "That would be the rattlesnake in formaldehyde." Okay, back to the Wonders of the World. We were looking for modern replacements for the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Lighthouse at Alexandria, the Colossus of Rhodes, the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus, the Great Pyramids at Giza, the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus, and the Statue of Zeus at Olympia. We promised you seven, but the world-renowned Style Invitational Guarantee of Genuine, Actual Humor required us to limit the results to five. * Fifth Wonder of the World: The Colossus of Roads on 17th Street five minutes after it changes to two-way traffic. (Steven King, Alexandria) * Fourth Wonder of the World: The Statue of Al Gore at Washington, D.C. (Dave Wilton, Oxon Hill) * Third Wonder of the World: The Hanging Curveballs at Camden Yards (Joseph Romm, Washington; Mike Schikman, Harrisonburg) * Second Wonder of the World: The Colossal Gall of Marion (Frank Thompson, Vienna) * And the First Wonder of The World, winner of the Apollo 11 tape: The Hanging Pardons of Washington (a work in progress). (Don Maclean, Burke) We suddenly seem to find ourselves with extra space, and fortunately we had a special fine-print contest to come up with new names for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The old Horsemen, if you recall, are Famine, Pestilence, Destruction and Death. Here are the new ones:(1) Bad Sushi; (2) The Insidious Influence of the Liberal Media; (3) Just Plain Lousy Timing; (4) Bob Dole. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) (1) Really, Really Nasty Pestilence; (2) The Drew Carey Show; (3) Everybody Talks Like Carol Channing; (4) Every Team Sucks as Bad as the Jets. (Rick Rosenthal, Washington) (1) Format C; (2) Error 404; (3) System Error 11; (4) Insufficient Memory. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) (1) Groucho; (2) Harpo; (3) Chico; (4) Armageddo. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) (1) Indifference; (2) Shoddy Craftsmanship; (3) Incompleteness. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Calling the Toon ====================================================================== WEEK 189, published October 27, 1996 Week 189: YOU CAN PRANK ON IT 1. A turbaned man with gaudy jewelry, claiming to be the president of the tiny Southeast Asian country of Qabal, walks into the Office of a United States senator and 2. One day, next to a particularly large pothole in Washington 3. The phone rings at Jack Kevorkian's house 4. One morning, an unusual advertisement appears in The Washington Post 5. A diner opens the menu at a fancy Washington restaurant to find 6. On stage, during a production of 'Aida' starring Luciano Pavarotti 7. At night, a team of pranksters sneaks into the airport and This Week's Contest: In the spirit of the story on page one of this section, come up with a hoax or prank that begins with any of the above scenarios. One hundred words, maximum. First-prize winner gets a fabulous handmade wooden Uncle Sam birdhouse, a $30 value. Runners-up receive, as always, the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 189, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 4. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Robert Howard of Arlington for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 186, in which you were asked to supply explanations for any of four cartoons. Best answer that proved too popular to reward with a prize: Cartoon A, Al Gore campaigning in Iowa. * Fourth Runner-Up (Cartoon D): Dan Quayle attempts to calculate the speed of light.(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) * Third Runner-Up (Cartoon B): Jan fell for the salesman's promise that the car came with a muffler and driver's air bag. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax; Paul Kondis, Alexandria; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Second Runner-Up (Cartoon D): Elmo, the world's strongest and dumbest Jehovah's Witness, attempts to deliver his first Watchtower. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) * First Runner-Up (Cartoon C): William could deny it no longer. He was bisectual. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * And the winner of the JFK throw rug: (Cartoon C): This is what happens when you say, "Beam me up, Scotty, you big fat doofus." (Philip Vitale, Arlington) * Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: A Robo-Tiller. (Susan Reese, Arlington) After spending the morning milking the chickens, Microsoft Farmbot Version 1.0, with a Pentium chip, proceeds to the next chore, shearing pigs. (Michael Baird, Derwood) He was an expensive employee, but at least he never messed with the sheep. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) In L. Frank Baum's rejected first manuscript, it is the Tin Man who discovers "There's no place like home." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) The network, desperate for a hit in the fall lineup, took a gamble with a "Six Million Dollar Man/Green Acres" hybrid. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cartoon B: Compulsive helium-breather and silly-voice-talker Edna bravely battles her addiction. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; Don Wiggins, Germantown) Susan McDougal riding in Clinton's victory parade after a presidential pardon. (Edith Eisenberg, Potomac) Cartoon C: Bill Clinton, distancing himself from the activities of his lower half. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The importance of spelling in medicine: Doctors mistakenly perform a lobottomy. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Why some men prefer suspenders. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Russell Beland, Springfield) Dick Morris, after his wife, the classic overachiever, makes certain she outdoes Lorena Bobbitt. (Susan Reese, Arlington) A poor storyteller, George frequently got ahead of himself. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cartoon D: Why Bush's "Point of Light" theory never caught on. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Bob Dole's chief adviser misheard when his boss asked him to "Deliver the White House" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) It was the last time Patrick would ever scratch his nose at an auction. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) This is a typical male. He dashed into Hechinger's intending to buy one measly 60-watt light bulb. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Ernie misheard when his wife insisted he bring home the bacon. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Ralph Nader, verifying that the lighthouse is actually light. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Diogenes, searching for an honest man in the Clinton administration. (Mike Platt, Germantown) Next Week: Race to the Finish Line ====================================================================== WEEK 190, published November 3, 1996 Week 190: Office You Can't Refuse Post-It notes are convenient aids for the workplace but should not be used in lieu of pants. Warning: Some supervisors view unapproved, long-term borrowing as theft. In requesting a raise, it is generally not recommended to point out to your boss that the only person you know who takes more vacations than he does is Boris Yeltsin. This week's contest was proposed, in various formats over the last two years, by Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, Robin D. Grove of Baltimore, Jean and Bob Sorensen of Herndon, Vincent "The Chin" Gigante of Brooklyn, Wally the Man With Three Buttocks, and some guy named Ed. We will find some pathetic prizes to send those people -- you know, like those stupid-looking nostril spreaders pro athletes wear -- because after all, they stole the idea from Scott Adams, who draws "Dilbert" and keeps writing books filled with cynical advice and principles from the workplace. This week's contest is to come up with a Principle For The Workplace. First-prize winner gets a hardbound copy of the American Phrenology Journal from 1866, a delightfully lunatic periodical chockablock with elaborate scientific articles establishing how one's character, temperament and abilities may be reliably predicted by one's posture, one's gait, the shape of one's head, the color of one's skin, etc. This is worth $40. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 190, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads, and for his incessant cheerful commentary on the dreadful creative depths to which this contest has sunk. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 187, in which we gave you seven real first lines from famous literary works, and invited you to complete them. The drinking duck for correctly identifying the most lines goes to Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. Quote 1 was from "Frankenstein" by Mary Shelley; 2, from "Bad As I Wanna Be" by Dennis Rodman; 3, from "The Snows of Kilamanjaro" by Ernest Hemingway; 4, from "1984" by George Orwell; 5, from "The Final Days" by Woodward and Bernstein; 6, from "Primary Colors" by Joe Anonymous; and 7, from "Charlotte's Web" by E.B. White. Third Runner Up: This was an extraordinary mission. No presidential aides had ever done what they were about to do ... And they were ready. "Baker, get the fire ants there by 9 p.m.," barked O'Neill. "Reynolds, the ipecac goes into the caviar. Carrothers? There you are. You have the dosage right for the carriage horses? I know fire-hose diarrhea is unpredictable, but we want to get the timing right if we can." The daughter of one of America's leading industrialists was getting married. This would be a wedding to remember (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Second Runner-Up: You will rejoice to hear that no disaster has accompanied the commencement of an enterprise which you have regarded with such evil forebodings. ... The Wang Fun Fortune Cookie Company is pleasing to announce felicitous proclamations that it has smiled benevolence on your resume, and will be keeping it in the files ...(Michael Baird, Derwood) First Runner-Up: He was a big fellow, looking seriously pale on the streets of Harlem in deep summer. ... Yes, Mark Fuhrman was now growing certain the Speakers' Bureau had made a mistake. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of "Dogs Playing Poker": It was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking thirteen. ... But then, from that 32nd day of March, when the dazzling dame with the fine trio of knockers waltzed into my office and plunked down a D-note for me to find her husband, 10-Fingered Louie, nothing about this case had added up. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Quote 6: He was a big fellow, looking seriously pale on the streets of Harlem in deep summer. ... but I knew Colin Powell could deliver us some serious votes. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) ... but he wanted to test his basketball skills against the best young players in the city, and Manute Finkelstein knew this was the place to be. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) In fact, he was a monstrous, writhing, 87-foot tapeworm! No, ha ha, fooled you. He was actually fictional presidential candidate Roman A. Clef, hero of yet another piece of overhyped political hack work. His wife was the tapeworm! No, ha ha. She was just his wife. Or was she? Yes, she was. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Quote 3: "The marvelous thing is that it is painless," he said. "That is how you know when it starts." There are lies, there are damn lies, and there is Lamaze . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) .. the baseball commissioner drawled nervously. "I mean, a five-game suspension is barely noticeable, Roberto." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Quote 2: On an April night in 1993 I sat in the cab of my pickup truck with a rifle in my lap, deciding whether to kill myself. But it wasn't going to be a quick death. I wasn't getting off the hook that easy. First, I was going to have a little fun with myself. "Do you know how to dance?" I asked myself. "What?" I replied. "Let's see those feet start moving," I hollered. To prove I was serious, I began shooting at the floor beside my feet. Terrified, I did what I said. (John Kammer, Herndon) Quote 4: It was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking thirteen. My daughter appeared wearing her three-three from ballet. "When will this ridiculous inflation ever end?" I twodered aloud. (Beth Benson, Lanham) No one in the government office even noticed, which was ample poof of the genius of the idea. The extra hour slipped into the workday by President Perot would provide a 13 percent increase in production at no additional cost. The next innovation to try: virtual flushing. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Later that night, I saw a man sitting next to me in the cab of his pickup, with a rifle in his lap, deciding whether to kill himself, but that's another story. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Quote 5: This was an extraordinary mission. No presidential aides had ever done what they were about to do. No one had ever been asked to install a coin-operated "Magic Fingers" in the Lincoln Bed before. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Quote 1: You will rejoice to hear that no disaster has accompanied the commencement of an enterprise which you have regarded with such evil forebodings. "Yeah, pal?" responded Murphy. "Well, I got your evil forebodings right here." (John Kammer, Herndon) Quote 7: "Where's Papa going with the ax?" said Fern as her mother set the breakfast table "I don't rightly know, dear," Mother replied. "'Dogs Playing Poker' isn't supposed to be delivered until later on this week" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: Blankety Blanks ====================================================================== WEEK 191, published November 10, 1996 Week 191: Going Through a Phrase I'm sorry to hear that your concubine is sick. Here comes the executioner! Hi! I wish to have sexual relations with your daughter. Can you recommend to us a store that sells bacon grease? I am happy to meet you, Son of Sam! I am so sorry that I cannot attend your spanking. This week's contest was suggested by Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who stole it from a book titled "The Last Cuckoo." Sarah wins a Presidential Physical Fitness patch. The contest is to come up with a phrase from an American English phrasebook that would provide no practical help whatsoever to a foreigner trying to get along in the United States. First-prize winner gets "Baltimore in a Box," a chintzy, shameless ripoff of Monopoly featuring Baltimore-related real estate. It is worth $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 191, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 188, in which you were asked to fill in the blanks in one of four sentences: If they can ________ why can't they ?; If you ___________ , they will _____________; You can ____________, but you can't ___________; and It's not the _____________, it's the __________. A few people asked what seemed to us a perfectly reasonable question: If you can lead a horse to water, why can't you make him drink? You shove his head in the water, he drinks or drowns, no? * Fifth Runner-Up: IF YOU sit one million chimps at typewriters for a million years, THEY WILL eventually ruin a whole bunch of typewriters. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) * Fourth Runner-Up: YOU CAN run off and make a bimbo your second wife, BUT YOU CAN'T get around the community property laws, you piece of crap. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) * Third Runner-Up: YOU CAN treat attention deficit disorder, BUT YOU CAN'T(David Genser, Vienna) * Second Runner-Up: IF THEY CAN have Ric Ocasek date Paulina Porizkova, WHY CAN'T THEY have Cindy Crawford return just one of my calls without police intervention? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) * First Runner-Up: IT'S NOT THE PMS that bothers me, IT'S THE way my life is falling to pieces, and everyone is getting on my nerves, AND I'M FAT AND NOBODY LOVES ME. (Susan Reese, Arlington) * And the winner of the Elvis cologne: YOU CAN talk with your hands BUT YOU CAN'T tyjpe w8th y4ohufr el;bo9ws. (Joe Shepherd, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: IF YOU tell people about the Astroturf in your pickup, THEY WILL automatically assume the worst. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) YOU CAN walk like an Egyptian, BUT YOU CAN'T pull your brain through your nose with a hook. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) IF YOU tell them you can nail down a piece of Jell-O, THEY WILL create a "Handyman's Special Jell-O Nail N' Hammer Kit" at Home Depot. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) IT'S NOT THE ethics, stupid. IT'S THE economy good. (Susan Reese, Arlington) IF YOU build a 1954 Plymouth, THEY WILL commit you. (Charles Jeffries, Chesapeake Beach) IF THEY CAN send exploration missions to Mars, WHY CAN'T THEY put a man on the moon? What's that? Oh. Well, why can't they put him there in a bikini? (Jacob Harley, Landover) IT'S NOT THE low salaries of jobs awaiting English majors, IT'S THE lousy tips. (Allan Massie, Baltimore) YOU CAN explain quantum physics to your dog, BUT YOU CAN'T prevent him from getting his head stuck in the cat door. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) YOU CAN tell your wife that she's getting a nice, matronly look BUT YOU CAN'T expect to live for more than two seconds afterward. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) YOU CAN call 1994's big dyspeptic voting bloc "angry white males," BUT YOU CAN'T call 1996's big dyspeptic voting bloc "hysterical, estrogen-crazed females." (Andy Spitzler, Baltimore) IF YOU run, THEY WILL hide. (Bob Dole, Russell, Kan.; Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) IF THEY CAN call a shoe store the Athlete's Foot, WHY CAN'T THEY call a woman's lingerie store the Yeast Infection? (Louisa Payne, Herndon) YOU CAN lead a horse to water, BUT YOU CAN'T make it accidentally kick you in the groin so you can send the video to America's Funniest Home Videos and win $10,000. Um, not that I have tried or anything. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) YOU CAN carry on relationships with several women at once, BUT YOU CAN'T brag about it in the newspapers. Oooops. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) YOU CAN have fun with a nude art model, BUT YOU CAN'T have fun with a nude Art Modell. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) IF YOU teach a village to fish, THEY WILL be happy to buy lots and lots of tartar sauce from you later on. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) YOU CAN call for Philip Morris, BUT YOU CAN'T call for Dick Morris. His line has been disconnected. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) IF THEY CAN make an ointment that shrinks hemorrhoids, WHY CAN'T THEY make one that shrinks the rest of your butt? (Susan Reese, Arlington) YOU CAN pour Wesson Oil all over my naked body, massaging me from head to toe, BUT YOU CAN'T, mmmm, actually, do that and you can do whatever you damn please. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) IF THEY CAN make Fat-Free Entenmann's, WHY CAN'T THEY just burn the American flag, while they're at it, huh? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) IF YOU crack one little joke about having to smite your enemies, THEY WILL take away your postal route and have you selling stamps. (David Genser, Vienna) IF THEY CAN find life on Mars, WHY CAN'T THEY find The Ear No One Reads? (Joseph Romm, Washington) And Last: YOU CAN expect it, BUT YOU CAN'T escape it -- the word "proctologist" will find its way into this contest. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) Next Week: You Can Prank On It ====================================================================== WEEK 192, published November 17, 1996 Week 192: Hill's Bills The Pease-DeGette-Goode-Price Farm Subsidy Act The Goode-Cooke Proclamation Honoring Julia Child The Kind-Pappas Absentee Father Retraining Bill The Goode-Pitts Bill Requiring Proper Underarm Maintenance with Sleeveless Dresses This Week's Contest is the second biennial post-election name-a-bill contest. At the bottom of the page is a listing of the 85 new members of the House and Senate. Your goal is to come up with bills any of these freshmen might jointly sponsor, as in the examples above. This is one of our favorite contests, with a storied history (Who can ever forget the "Traficant-DeLay-Akaka Roadside Port-a-Potty Bill"?). First-prize winner gets a taxidermized piranha, a value of $20. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 192, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park for today's Ear No One Reads. Also, at the suggestion of Jennifer Hart of Arlington, we are soliciting headlines for Art Buchwald's Thanksgiving column, that hilariously, chortlingly funny offering we run year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year, in one of those precious traditions that will survive even a worldwide nuclear holocaust. "Hey, Skrackle," one radioactive cockroach will call out to his friend. "It's that Buchwald column again! I love the way he makes fun of the French!" Best headline gets printed on the column. Send entries to Buchwald's Turkey, c/o this contest. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 189, in which we asked you to come up with pranks, based on one of several partial scenarios we provided. But first, the results of our fine-print contest to write a chant for the Fighting Quakers, the high-school football team of Salem, Ohio. * Second Runner-Up: Two Four Six Eight On vict'ry let's meditate! Let's go Quakers, let's go Friends, May the Holy Spirit Smite their Ends In a Peaceful and Illuminating Fashion.(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * First Runner-Up: Dost thou think we won't get sore? That we'll never go to war? We're not ones to try your tricks on Just remember Richard Nixon! (David Smith, Greenbelt) * And the winner of the drinking duck: Fight on, Fighting Quakers, Thou art a team no one can score on, Fight on, Fighting Quakers, Thou art a perfect oxymoron. (Gary Lefkowitz, Springfield) Back to pranks: * Second Runner-Up: One day, next to a particularly large pothole in Washington, some cruel practical joker puts up a sign that says "Men Working." It remains there forever, next to the pothole. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park ) * First Runner-Up: At night, a team of pranksters sneaks into the airport and creates trompe l'oeil paintings of deep craters in the runways. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) * And the Winner of the Uncle Sam birdhouse: One day, an unusual ad appears in The Post, offering a 120-acre poultry farm for Sale for, like, $99. First come first served. At 6 a.m., you call the phone number that was listed in the ad and say, "Hello? Hello? I'd like to buy the farm!" It turns out to be Jack Kevorkian's house! Hahahaha. I got a million of these. I'm going to go get a beer now. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) *Honorable Mentions: At night, a team of pranksters sneaks into the airport and places signs at the airport bars that say, "Pilots Happy Hour: M-F 4:30-7:00 p.m." (David Genser, Vienna) One day, the phone rings at Dr. Kevorkian's house. Someone does a flawless imitation of the president of the United States, claiming he has a terminal illness and wants to die with dignity. He instructs the doctor to tell the security guards at the White House that the purpose of his visit is to help the president die. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) One day, next to a particularly large pothole in Washington, traffic slows to a crawl to view a mock missile lodged in the crater's center. Half the body is visible along with the tail fins and USAF decals. Men in HazMat suits are scurrying around. A sign warns that use of cell phones may detonate the warhead. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) One day, an unusual ad appears in The Washington Post: "Darling: I think your wife suspects. Wear your blue suit today if you think she is on to us, and your gray suit if you think she isn't. See you in the car pool. Your honeybun." (David Genser, Vienna) A diner opens the menu at a fancy Washington restaurant to find a handwritten note asking maintenance to correct the focus of the hidden camera in the ladies room. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Next Week: Office You Can't Refuse Aderholt, Allard, Allen, Baird, Berry, Blagojevich, Blunt, Boyd, Boswell, Brownback, Cannon, Capps, Carson, Cleland, Collins, Cook, Cooksey, Davis, Davis, DeGette, Delahunt, Durbin, Emerson, Enzi, Etheridge, Ford, Gibbons, Goode, Granger, Hagel, Hill, Hinojosa, Hulshof, Hutchinson, Hutchinson, Jenkins, John, Johnson, Johnson, Kilpatrick, Kind, Kucinich, Landrieu, Maloney, McCarthy, McGovern, McIntyre, Moran, Northup, Pappas, Pascrell, Paul, Pease, Peterson, Pickering, Pitts, Price, Quigley, Reed, Reyes, Riley, Roberts, Rogan, Rothman, Ryun, Sandlin, Schaffer, Sessions, Sherman, Shimkus, Smith, Smith, Snowbarger, Snyder, Stabenow, Strickland, Sununu, Tauscher, Thune, Tierney, Torricelli, Turner, Watkins, Wexler, Weygand. ====================================================================== WEEK 193, published November 24, 1996 Week 193: Ask BackwardS VIII David Letterman's Top-Two List 101 Damnations Bob Dole & Gregory Rasputin, the Mad Monk A Man, a Plan, a Root Canal The Great Taco of Versailles Time, Newsweek and Scrooge McDuck Caffeinated Water Bacteria From Mars :-)% Those Milk Mustache Ads The Fonz, but not the Pope The Tomahawk Chop Cool "Disco" Edward Pennington IV Dot Com Mary Lou Retton's Smile Bagels and Logs This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the answers. What are the questions? Easy enough, except this week there is a twist. For months now we have been getting letters from ticked-off citizens who accuse us of favoritism in the selection of entries to be published: These persons point out that the same 20 or so names keep appearing and the only possible explanation for that fact, as they see it, is that the Czar has abandoned a merit-based selection system in favor of one in which he chooses only his cronies, his lovers, those persons who mail in bribes, etc. Let's put it to a test: This week, we ask that anyone who has won this contest, or has been a runner-up, at least three times enter under a fictitious name and address. (Honorable mentions don't count.) Take reasonable efforts to disguise your identity: Use a different printer font, or hand-write your entry if you usually type it, or e-mail it through the address of a friend, etc. Don't get cute; if we can identify you, we will not accept your entry. Okay? Then, after the winners are printed in three weeks, we will invite anyone who used a pseudonym to submit irrefutable proof -- and in a subsequent week we will give proper credit where it is due. Let's just see if the Czar is biased, or if cream -- by whatever name it chooses to identify itself -- will invariably rise to the top. First-place winner gets a great prize, a pre-scandal 1984 Michael Jackson record player in a suitcase, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 193, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads, and to continue to solicit headlines for Buchwald's Turkey. Only three days to go. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 190, in which you were asked to come up with Dilbert-like principles for the workplace. * Fourth Runner-Up: When management defends the latest boneheaded policy by saying it was a "board decision," refrain from asking, "Ouija or dart"? (Sandra Hull, Arlington) * Third Runner-Up: It is advised to check with your company's general counsel before renting out your office on nights and weekends for cockfights. (Joseph Romm, Washington) * Second Runner-Up: The only way to win the monthly suggestion-box award is to submit an idea so trivial that no one on the suggestion committee could possibly object to it: e.g., "Keeping Wite-Out caps securely fastened would save almost $10 per quarter in leakage." (David Genser, Vienna) * First Runner-Up: The smoking lounge is provided for the short-term use of employees and is not for the curing of hams, kippers or other processed meats. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * And the Winner of the Journal of Phrenology: Never photocopy your face immediately after a colleague has photocopied his or her buttocks. (John Kammer, Herndon) * Honorable Mentions: An effective strategy to cure the jerk in the next cubicle of using the speaker phone to retrieve his voice mail is to enlist a friend with a deep, masculine voice to leave tearful messages for the jerk, begging him for one more chance to make their relationship work and promising to do all those special things he likes if he will only love him again. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) To avoid being noticed, change shoes before extended trips to the bathroom. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Don't request to participate in the mentor/protege program by stating a preference for "an attractive Asian or Hispanic, 18 to 25." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Burning your bridges on the way up the ladder makes for a quick and painless fall.(John Kammer, Herndon) Any deviation from the company's "Valuing Diversity" policy will not be tolerated. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Taking crap from your supervisor and co-workers is taxable income. The IRS will assess you for it at the equivalent volume and expense of fine-grade nitrogen-rich fertilizer. (John Kammer, Herndon) The only thing you have to fear is everything. Even fear itself. Boo. (John Kammer, Herndon) If you wish to keep your boss happy with your work, it is necessary to agree with him no matter what he says. Even if it means saying, "Yes, sir, toilet seats DO make excellent belts, don't they?" Or, "Yes, I, too, believe the universe was created by a giant turtle named Wallace Lumpkin Jr." (Jonathan Hartman, Oakton) Try to do at least one thing so badly every day that no one will ever ask you to do it again. (Nick Pishvanov, Springfield) Refrain from asking your building's security guards if they've ever shot anyone with their walkie-talkies. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Never recommend a land war in Asia. (Robert McNamara, Washington; Russell Beland, Springfield) You can avert any pending crisis by inverting the tri-polar plasma injectors and realigning the phase modulators, unless of course you are not working on a starship. (John Kammer, Herndon) No one knows how to "add toner." It is done in the middle of the night, by gnomes. If you are a gnome, Xerox is hiring. (David Genser, Vienna) If your workspace is a cubicle, it is best to have an office romance with a very short, preferably very quiet, person. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) There seems to be some confusion about what attire is proper for Dress Down Fridays. Appropriate: jeans, open-necked sports shirts, tank tops. Inappropriate: professional wrestling costumes. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) When you are trying for a big promotion, try resigning from your current job to show everyone how serious you are about the new job! (Bob Dole, Russell, Kan.; Russell Beland, Springfield) An attractive framed portrait of your family is a positive addition to your work space. If your loved ones are not attractive, use the photo that came with the frame. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) People who hold open elevator doors while they finish a conversation may be killed, should the opportunity arise. (David Genser, Vienna) Disregard the spellchecker's suggestion to use "bestialities" in place of "biosolids" on your report to the EPA. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) If you use the office fax machine for lots of personal things, you might want to send them with a pseudonym. (Buster "Buss" Reland, "Fieldspring," "Va.") * And Last: If you don't want to be fired, start coming up with better contest ideas. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Going Through A Phrase ====================================================================== WEEK 194, published December 1, 1996 Week 194: Advice Squad 1. My mother-in-law still has photos of my husband's ex-wife on her mantel. Should I say anything? Signed, Miffed. 2. My daughter and son-in-law are always asking me to baby-sit my grandchildren. How can I graciously let them know they are taking advantage of me? Signed, Grumpy. 3. What is the proper way to formally introduce my son's live-in lover? Signed, Puzzled. 4. How should I tactfully inform guests that I don't wish them to smoke in my home? Signed, Happy Lungs. 5. I am afraid my boyfriend is being unfaithful to me. How can I find out for sure? Signed, Curious. This Week's Contest was suggested by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a CD entitled "Jewels of the Baroque Era," a homage to 17th-century Polish chamber music performed by Benigna Jaskulska, soprano. Jean suggests that you become very, very bad newspaper advice columnists, answering any of the above questions unwisely. Maximum words per entry: 75. First-prize winner gets a vintage 1975 Pet Rock, still in its original packaging, a value of $35. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 194, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week numbe in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park for today's Ear No One Reads. Also, to congratulate Laura K. Noell of Bethesda for writing this year's headline for Art Buchwald's Thanksgiving day column. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 191, in which you were asked to come up with phrases from a foreign-language English phrasebook that would be of no practical help to persons visiting the United States. * Seventh Runner-Up: Is this the line for "Ishtar"? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) * Sixth Runner-Up: These leeches are not fresh! (Paul Styrene, Olney) * Fifth Runner-Up: Yes, please, tell me about my salvation. Do you have any pamphlets for me? (M.C. Boomgaard, Hyattsville) * Fourth Runner-Up: How much does that cost in goats? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) * Third Runner-Up: And where were you the exact moment you heard the ayatollah had died? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) * Second Runner-Up: The person reading this to you thinks he is asking for directions to the White House. Send him to the Blue Plains Sewage Treatment Plant. (Russell Beland, Springfield) * First Runner-Up: I am seeking employment. I have experience as both a flogger and a beheader. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * And the winner of the Monopoly-like game featuring Baltimore-related real estate: You puny American, I am here to overthrow your government and thrust your nation into chaos! Myoo ha ha ha! May I borrow from you a dime for the parking meter? (Jacob Harley, Landover) * Honorable Mentions: Your magnificent belch honors my family.(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) This gas station restroom is absolutely spotless! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Grosvenor is not my destination. I refuse to leave the train. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Is your pimp fully accredited? (Gloria Miccioli, Vienna) Kindly direct me to the opera house, you fish-eyed son of a streetwalker. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I wish to report myself to the INS as an illegal alien. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; John Kammer, Herndon) I claim this land in the name of the Queen of the Netherlands. (John Kammer, Herndon) So pleased to make your acquaintance! I have always wanted to meet a typical American yuppie schmuck! (Kelly Price, Annapolis) I am recently purchasing the Key Bridge. Please to pay me $3 for one way, or $ 5 for round trip. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Can you recommend a good wet nurse? (Nicole Reeber, Silver Spring) Quake in fear of me, you street robber. (John Kammer, Herndon) For $1,618, I will sell you my Fibonacci System for Lotto picks. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Give me a pastrami on rye, Your Holiness. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Haven't we met before? Perhaps at the disemboweling? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) I would like to find a proctologist with knuckles the size of baseballs. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Hello! You must be Neil Sedaka! (David Genser, Vienna) My camel has schistosomiasis. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) I am filled with nameless and unfathomable dread, and yet I am unable to scream. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It is my first offense. Please do not sever my hand. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) I am here to purchase Redskins season tickets. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) No, driver, do not wait. I will visit this American slum, and then find another taxi to take me back to the hotel. (William M. Powell, Arlington) The aluminum siding salesman has left the building. (Allen Shogren, Purcellville) Hello, officer. May I videotape you beating the crap out of me? (Sandra Hull, Arlington) May PVC be used for pipe bombs? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) It is not safe to let your wolfhound run ahead of your sleigh. (Miles D. Moore, Alexandria) Could I have that ostrich rotisserie-style? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * And last: If only I could obtain a Monopoly-like game featuring Baltimore-related areas. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Next Week: Hill's Bills ====================================================================== WEEK 195, published December 8, 1996 Week 195: The Marthian Chronicles Dec. 1: Refill Ty-D-Bol dispenser with vanilla extract. Dec. 2: Create Nativity scene out of weathered barn lumber, birch twigs, caramelized Shittake mushrooms, and carved quahog shells. Dec. 3: Unzip sofa cushions, dust innards with cinnamon. Dec. 4: Cross-pollinate poinsettia with mistletoe as possible cancer cure. This Week's Contest was proposed by Bob Staake, of the St. Louis, Mo., Staakes, who happens to be the official overpaid Style Invitational cartoonist. We asked Bob what he wanted to win, and he said, and we are quoting verbatim, "I want a roast-beef sandwich from the Roy Rogers at Wisconsin and M. Second, I would like a Herblock original, which I would cherish. Failing that, just send me some crap like you send everyone else." Bob wins some crap. Anyway, he suggests that you come up with items for Martha Stewart's December-January calendar of projects. For those wretched few of you who do not subscribe to Martha Stewart Living, each month, Martha has a day-by-day list of the self-absorbed, anal-retentive, arts-and-crafty, vomitously precious things she plans to do, for your edification, so you can compare it with your schedule. (Your schedule: Take dog to vet for diarrhea. Martha's schedule: French-braid front lawn.) To give you a taste what it is like, this is her actual entry for January 9: "Update birthday calendar and phone list; laminate." Submit items for as many days in December and January as you wish. First-prize winner gets a frighteningly realistic Newt Gingrich mask, a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 195, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 192, in which we invited you to make up federal legislation based on the names of the 80-plus incoming freshman members of the House and Senate. As always, this contest resulted in a hemorrhage of entries, as though from a burst pulmonary artery. More than 10,000, total. As always, there is a chance that we have inadvertently omitted the names of some people with entries identical to the winners. As always, we offer this remedy to those aggrieved persons: Bite us. Thank you. Several excellent entries were submitted by too many people to credit the authors, including the Cleland-Brownback Bill to reverse the relocation of NFL franchises, and the Turner-Northup Map Orientation Bill. * Fifth Runner-Up: The Pickering-Quigley Act authorizing shotgun weddings. (Stephanie Martin, Arlington; Michael Baird, Derwood) * Fourth Runner-Up: The Kilpatrick-Riley Act to prohibit further tampering with Juwan Howard's contract. (Mike Platt, Germantown) * Third Runner-Up: The John-Blagojevich-Goode Bill requiring pop musicians to disclose the middle names of characters in songs that give only their middle initials. (David Smith, Berkeley, Calif.) * Second Runner-Up: The Berry-Thune Bill to promote expedited access to speech therapy. (Noah Wofsy, Washington) * First-Runner-Up: The Goode-DeGette-Enzi-John-Quigley Act to reduce ladies' room lines at sporting events. (Ernie Staples, Silver Spring) * And the winner of the taxidermized piranha: The John-Berry-Paul Amendment, prohibiting subliminal messages on record albums, CDs, etc. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) * Honorable Mentions: The Tauscher-Cooksey Product Standardization Act for syrup of ipecac. (Michael F. Duffy, Washington) The Davis-Hutchinson-Johnson-Smith-Davis-Hutchinson-Johnson-Smith Deja Vu Research Bill. (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.; Russell Beland, Springfield) The Roberts-Reed Proclamation in support of the Brady Act. (Frank and Cindy Curry, Richmond) The Pappas-Pitts-Enzi-John Bill to equip houses with cuspidors. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) The Berry-Baird-Durbin-Pitts Bill to repair potholes in the District of Columbia. (David Vierling, Woodbridge) The Johnson-Baird-Quigley Anti-Flasher Act. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The Landrieu-Paul Act endorsing selection of a transvestite star for the annual House New Year's Eve party. (Tom O'Brien, Reston) The Pease-Stabenow Gun Control Bill. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) The Northup Tautology Proclamation. (Marty Youmans, Arlington) The Davis-Berry-Blunt Proclamation honoring David Brinkley. (Ed Sofinowski, Burke) The Enzi-Moran-Capps-Turner Bill prohibiting the idiotic fashion of wearing baseball hats backward. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) The Cook-DeGette-Reyes Amendment to the Minimum Wage Act. (Michael Baker, Columbia) The Reyes-Johnson Bill to study impotency. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Tauscher-Turner Insomniacs Relief Act. (Beth Benson, Lanham; Michael F. Duffy, Washington) The Smith-John-Smith Truth in Hotel Registration Act. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The Berry-Goode Proclamation honoring Hispanic baseball players. (Michael Baker, Columbia) The Tauscher-Capps Military Academy Graduates Bill. (Susan Reese, Arlington) The Goode-Price-DeGette-Ford-John Bill limiting the cost of government-purchased toilet seats. (Howard O. Allen, Middleburg) The Allen-Capps Shift-Loc Enforcement Bill. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The Pease-Cooksey-Boyd-Thune Thanksgiving Health Standards Bill. (Donna Rae Smith, Potomac; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) The Blunt-Johnson Endowment. (Russell Beland, Springfield) * And Last: The Reed-Enzi-John Bill to provide federal subsidies for the Style Invitational. (Michael Gould, Walkersville) Next Week: Ask Backwards VIII ====================================================================== WEEK 196, published December 15, 1996 Week 196: YOU MUST BE MAD This Week's Contest is unabashedly stolen from Mad magazine, which used to have a cartoon feature called "Scenes We'd Like to See." These were generally two- or three-panel cartoons featuring a familiar scene from a book, a cartoon, an ad, a TV show or a movie. The scene would end in an unexpected, often ironic, sometimes naughty way. Your challenge is to come up with a contemporary Scene We'd Like to See. You don't have to draw it, you can describe it, as in this actual example we just made up. Panel One: Close-up of a woman from that annoying ad for a feminine hygiene product, saying: "Mom, do you ever have one of those days when you are feeling, you know, not so fresh?" Panel Two: You see that she is talking to her mother's rotting corpse. Anyway, maximum number of panels is three. Your entry may have dialogue, but it doesn't have to; some of the best Scenes were balloonless. The first-prize winner gets a genuine photocopy of the original fax of your idea, drawn and autographed by overpaid Style Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 196, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 193, in which we asked you to come up with "Jeopardy!" questions to answers we provided. This was the week that we asked all regular winners to enter covertly, under believable pseudonyms, to test a frequently voiced theory that The Czar is biased in favor of a certain select group of entrants. We honestly do not know if any of the winners below are ringers. If there are any, they must identify themselves to us within one week, and prove it to our satisfaction, to get credit for their entries in a future Invitational. By the way, we warned you not to get cute: Some persons entered under obvious, comical pseudonyms, such as "Al Terego, Bowie." As threatened, all such entries were discarded. -- Eighth Runner-Up -- Answer: The Fonz, but Not the Pope. Question: Who has a round, worn spot in his wallet? (Charlie Keatts, Stuarts Draft, Va.) -- Seventh Runner-Up -- Answer: The Tomahawk Chop. Question: What worked well against the Yankees in 1755, but not so good in 1996? (Jay Morton, Silver Spring) -- Sixth Runner-Up -- Answer: Bob Dole and Grigori Rasputin, the Mad Monk. Question: Who are two figures in history who were poisoned by their supporters? (Bill Moulden, Frederick) -- Fifth Runner Up -- Answer: A Man, a Plan, a Root Canal. What entry immediately precedes "Madam, I'm a dentist" in "The Big Book of Mangled Palindromes"? (Michael Baird, Derwood) -- Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: A Man, a Plan, a Root Canal. Question: What is Painama? (Maggy Shannon, Nashville) -- Third Runner-Up -- Answer: :-)% Question: What is the smiley for the verb "to Bork"? (Jeff Lubbers, Takoma Park) -- Second Runner-Up -- Answer: David Letterman's Top-Two List. Question: What is 10) Marilyn Monroe 9) Raquel Welch 8) Jenny McCarthy 7) Elvira 6) Loni Anderson 5) Jamie Lee Curtis 4) Morganna 3) Pamela Anderson Lee 2) Madonna and 1) Dolly Parton? (Robert Sams, Springfield) -- First Runner-Up -- Answer: Bagels and Logs. Question: What are the signs on the rest room doors at Murray's World o' Bagels? (Michael Koch, Potomac; Jacqueline Moore, Washington) And the winner of the Michael Jackson phonograph: Answer: Time, Newsweek and Scrooge McDuck Question: On the day he refused to pay the ransom for his kidnapped uncle, whose three bills did Donald Duck receive in the mail? (John O'Brien, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: A Man, a Plan, a Root Canal What would you have had in Panama if Teddy Roosevelt had been secretary of state and Elihu Root had been president, instead? (Bruce and Christi Blackistone, Avenue, Md.) How would you describe Bob Dole's campaign? (Moe Hammond, Falls Church; Mike Sorohan, Alexandria) What are three things that are best to have only one of at a time? (Jay Morton, Silver Spring) :-)% How does Colin Hyphenparenthesispercent abbreviate his name? (Michael Koch, Potomac) What is the emoticon used to indicate "a dragonfly is ripping my throat out, yet I am strangely at peace"? (Alexander B. Holcomb, Germantown) What are the first four letters of the Geek alphabet? (Scott Sleater, Germantown) What is an anagram for %:)-? (Kevin McTeague, Gaithersburg) Those Milk Mustache Ads What would be really funny hanging on the wall of the La Leche League? (Q. Jura, Maplewood) What goes best with those chocolate cake goatee ads? (Greg Pryor, Washington) What disgusting ad campaign was inexplicably chosen over the far more appealing concept of pictures of celebrities laughing and squirting milk through their noses? (Alan Haeberle, Silver Spring) What advertising concept just wouldn't work for Preparation H? (Kevin McTeague, Gaithersburg) Mary Lou Retton's Smile. What is the only thing whiter than a Texaco board meeting? (Michael Koch, Potomac) Dot Com Who was Jak Web's girlfriend in DragNet?(Jeff Lubbers, Takoma Park) 101 Damnations What is 5 Damnations in base 2? (Jacqueline Moore, Washington) Bacteria From Mars What are men? (Margaret Stone, Fairfax) Cool "Disco" Edward Pennington IV Whom do swanky neighborhoods hire to add "gritty urban realism" to their overpasses and water towers? (Alexander B. Holcomb, Germantown) Caffeinated Water What does Don King wash his hair in? (Michael Baird, Derwood; Joan D'Urso, Gaithersburg) What is H20? (Mary Lou Boggiano and Mark Yosey, Lake Ridge, Va.) David Letterman's Top Two List. What would be the first change if TV were edited for "taste, humor and appropriateness" (Michael Baird, Derwood) What are David Letterman and David Letterman? (William Jensen, Rockville; Jack Turner, Arlington) Time, Newsweek and Scrooge McDuck After the Walt Disney Co. completes its purchase of the three magazines, what will be the name of Time, Newsweek, and Money? (Jay Morton, Silver Spring) The Great Taco of Versailles What monument commemorates Marie Antoinette's lesser-known pronouncement, "Let them eat Mexican"? (Michelle Fowler, Waldorf) What gives rise to the saying: "Off to the head!" (John O'Brien, Falls Church) What was the home of Luis XIV? (Ollie Williams, Tenleytown and Chris Gignoux, Bethesda) The Fonz, but Not the Pope What non-Italian has been able to pull off a role of a wise and beloved character that is usually played by an Italian? (Jay Morton, Silver Spring) What famous person whose first name is "The" can get a standing ovation just for showing up and doing a few trademark gestures and can handle a Harley? (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Is the pope Jewish? (Hank Wallace, Washington) Who could do a competent valve job on the popemobile? (Andy Kerlin, Reston) -- And Last: Okay, you are standing outside the pearly gates, and Saint Peter asks, "Ever lampoon anyone in a newspaper column?" Who ya gonna recall? (Seymour Stanley, Laurel) Next Week: Advice Squad ====================================================================== WEEK 197, published December 22, 1996 Week 197: Dave's World Would it not be amusing if, following a ceremony marking the signing of the Treaty of Versailles, Lloyd George had quipped to Woodrow Wilson, "Luncheon, I believe, is crow, served on a Kaiser roll." * Why do firemen wear red suspenders? Because their taste in clothing is simply abominable. This week's contest was suggested by David Twenhafel of Silver Spring, who wins "The Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Cookbook." A certified financial planner, David wrote us a letter in which he defends us against scurrilous charges of favoritism. The reason we keep choosing entries by the same people, he writes, is not that we are biased, but that we are rewarding the only thing we understand: sophomoric, infantile, slapstick, pratfall, poopy-potty humor. This puts the Style Invitational off limits to persons whose sense of humor is more sophisticated, persons such as David. He suggests that we run a contest for people like him. "I would offer some examples," he writes, "but you wouldn't find them humorous, so why bother?" We think this is a fabulous idea! This week's contest: Make David Twenhafel laugh. Any sort of delightful drollery or amusing witticism will do, so long as it is not the sort of lowbrow fare we usually favor. First-prize winner gets a Poopet, a realistic sculpture of a reclining cat made entirely from compressed cow manure. It is worth $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 197, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Al Dyson of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 194, in which you were asked to become newspaper advice columnists, supplying unwise responses to any of five questions we posed. * Third Runner-Up: How should I tactfully inform guests that I don't want them to smoke in my house? Signed, Happy Lungs. Dear Happy Lungs: Place Popsicle-stick crosses on your front lawn. When the inevitable questions arise, tell guests that you've been losing parakeets like crazy since you converted to gas. (David K. Ronka, Bradford, Mass.) * Second Runner-Up: My mother-in-law still has photos my husband's ex-wife on her mantel. Should I say something? Signed, Miffed. Dear Miffed: Leave the picture on the mantel, but surround it with photographs of Hitler, Pol Pot, Charles Manson, and baby seals being clubbed. (Eric P. Gallun, Gaithersburg; William Lomas, Bristow, Va.) * First Runner-Up: My daughter and son-in-law are always asking me to baby-sit my grandchildren. How can I graciously let them know they are taking advantage of me? Signed, Grumpy. Dear Grumpy: The next time your daughter calls to say she is dropping the kids off, respond enthusiastically, "Oh, good. I have to drive downtown tonight to score, and my connection is always much less paranoid when Caitlin and Hunter are with me." (Frank and Cindy Curry, Richmond) * And the winner of the real Pet Rock: My daughter and son-in-law are always asking me to baby-sit my grandchildren. How can I graciously let them know they are taking advantage of me? Signed, Grumpy. Dear Grumpy: Say nothing. Place large dog cages in your living room, each labeled with the name of a grandchild. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) * Honorable Mentions: How should I tactfully inform guests that I don't want them to smoke in my house? Signed, Happy Lungs. When they arrive, place a "Smoking Area" sign on their car. (William Lomas, Bristow, Va.) Wait until they request an ashtray. Tell them you don't have any, and offer your cupped hands as a substitute. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Grow a thin, patchy beard, dye it and your hair a mousy reddish-brown, obtain a pair of Coke-bottle spectacles, and greet your smoking guests by saying, "I'm dressed this way in honor of my idol, David Kessler, who is leaving the FDA after four years of prosecuting those merchants of death, the tobacco lords." (Lee Modesitt, Hanover, N.H.) My daughter and son-in-law are always asking me to baby-sit my grandchildren. How can I graciously let them know they are taking advantage of me? Signed, Grumpy. Ask them to pick up some ear plugs and a fifth of bourbon on the way. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) My mother-in-law still has photos my husband's ex-wife on her mantel. Should I say something? Signed, Miffed. Say, "Hey, who puked on the mantel?" Then apologize: "Oh, never mind. That's his ex-wife." (John Kammer, Herndon) What is the proper way to introduce my son's live-in lover? Signed, Puzzled. "This is my son, Mike, and this is Cheryl. Yes, I know she looks like Tiffany, but Tiffany was three sluts ago." (Jim and Emily Flautt, Stanford, Calif.) Preface the introduction by saying, "Have you ever heard the saying, 'Why would a man buy a cow if he gets the milk for free?'" Wink broadly. Then continue, "May I introduce Elsie ... " (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) If your son is gay, introduce his lover as "that nice young man who sodomizes my son." (Charlie Steinhice, Washington) I am afraid my boyfriend is being unfaithful to me. How can I found out for sure? Signed, Curious. Have Sen. D'Amato hold hearings.(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) You should share your feelings with your boyfriend, and ask him straight out if he has strayed. Open communication and trust are the keys to a healthy relationship. Ha ha ha. Just kidding! Try blackmailing his secretary into spying on him. (David Genser, Vienna) Try this approach. Start a conversation in which you criticize monogamy as a sexist institution designed to promote men's "ownership" of women. Suggest that the two of you might experiment with dating others while maintaining your relationship with each other. If he nods and shrugs in agreement, drive a butcher knife into his upper thorax. (Steve Anthony, Bethesda) Catch a venereal disease. Give it to your boyfriend. Wait and see how he explains having given it to you. (Russell Beland, Springfield) I can relate to your situation. When I thought my wife was being unfaithful to me, I beat her silly until she divorced me. Then I stalked her and her boyfriend until the time was right and then I Oops. (O.J. Simpson, Brentwood, Calif.; Mario Zangla, Leesburg) Next Week: The Marthian Chronicles (plus, the stunning secret behind Week 193) ====================================================================== WEEK 198, published December 29, 1996 Week 198: You Must Be Mad II Special Interest Group Action to Infuriate Them PETA" ............................ Chipmunk juggling" The tobacco lobby ................ Surgeon general's warning required on every cigarette NOW ............................. "Topless Fridays" Motion Picture Assn. of America ... Movie ratings done by an Amish-only panel This week's contest was proposed by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a small but elegant piece of taxidermy featuring a frog playing the accordion. Stephen suggests that you come up with proposals designed to infuriate special interest groups. You must indicate the group, and then the proposal that group will hate. It can be any sort of idea: a fad, a trend, a policy, a new law, an ad campaign, etc. First-prize winner gets a rare vintage Pee-wee Herman adhesive dart board, circa 1987, still in its box, a $40 value. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 198, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Don Cooper of Burke for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 195, in which you were asked to create Martha Stewart's December-January calendar. But first, an update: Last week, we promised we'd disclose the secret of Week 193, but for reasons involving advanced journalistic concepts too complicated for persons such as yourselves to understand, we have to wait another week. Re: Martha's calendar -- The four runners-up are Dec. 11, Dec. 25, Jan. 15 and Jan. 25. The winner of the Newt Gingrich mask is the entry for Jan. 31. Dec. 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.(Jennifer Earner, Vienna) Dec. 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Dec. 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener. (Virginia Ann James, Alexandria) Dec. 4 Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Russell Beland, Springfield) Dec. 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.(Ann Makowski, Alexandria) Dec. 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Dec. 7 Debug Windows 95. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Dec. 10 Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy. (Paul Styrene, Olney) * Dec. 11 Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Dec. 12 Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Dec. 13 Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. (Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington) Dec. 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. (Tracy Kiely, Laurel) Dec. 15 Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Dec. 17 Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire. (Lillian Wray, Annapolis) Dec. 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Dec. 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Dec. 21 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers. (Aaron Goldschmidt and Dorothy Hickson, Arlington; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Dec. 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Dec. 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. (Mimi Jordan, Gaithersburg; Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Dec. 24 Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Dec. 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. (Kevin Vail and David Starn, Bethesda; Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Dec. 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives. (Russell W. Beland, Springfield) Dec. 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. (Christopher Buban, Alexandria) Dec. 29 Enter Style Invitational; win. (Stu Solomon, Springfield; Ted Weitzman, Olney) Dec. 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. (Ann Makowski, Alexandria) Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax; Robin D. Grove, Baltimore) Jan. 1, 1997 Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1997. (Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington) Jan. 3 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. (Christopher Buban, Alexandria) Jan. 5 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Jan. 7 Lay Faberge egg. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) Jan. 8 Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Jan. 10 Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Jan. 13 Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their dismissal notes. (Virginia Ann James, Alexandria) Jan. 15 MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Jan. 16 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Jan. 20 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Jan. 21 Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Jan. 23 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) * Jan. 25 Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know. (Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington) Jan. 26 Review the Christmas '95 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew. (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.) Jan. 28 Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes. (Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington) * Jan. 31 Gild lilies. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Next Week: You Must Be Mad ====================================================================== WEEK 199, published January 5, 1997 Week 199: What's the Difference? * A genuine Pickett slide rule * Miss Manners's commode * A Rottweiler in a baby carriage * Pregnancy * "The courfe of human eventf" * That woman who married JFK Jr. * A cell in Lorton * That flappy thing at the back of the throat * The medical uses of marijuana * A shortstop from Yemen * An ethical lecture from Newt Gingrich * Monkeys at keyboards * A balanced budget * A cinnamon bun shaped like Mother Teresa * A Cabbage Patch Snack Time Kid doll * Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the Macarena * God This Week's Contest: Tell us the difference between any two of the above items. (As in: "What is the difference between a genuine Pickett slide rule and an ethical lecture from Newt? Some idiot might pay a nickel for a genuine Pickett slide rule.") First-prize winner gets a genuine Pickett slide rule, circa 1968, still in the box, a value of 4 cents. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 199, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 196, in which you were asked to come up with a Scene We'd Like to See, in the style of Mad magazine. But first, a special report on the shocking results of Week 193. That was the week in which we required regular winners to enter secretly, under believable pseudonyms; the idea was to test the theory that the Czar plays favorites. In all, there were 3,550 entries from about 500 people. Of the 38 entries that were printed, it turns out, 21 were ringers, including the winner. The winner of the Michael Jackson record player was, in fact, Chuck Smith of Woodbridge. The annotated, ruthlessly vindicating results of Week 193 appear on Page F4. * Third Runner-Up:(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * Second Runner-Up: (Philip Vitale, Arlington) * First Runner-Up: (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) * And the winner of a genuine photocopy of a fax of this cartoon, autographed by Bob Staake: (Bob Kulawiec, Washington; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) * Honorable Mentions: Panel One: Open garage as Herbie the Love Bug enters. Panel two: Door closed. Gas seeping out. Caption: Herbie the Love Bug decides to end it all. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Panel One: Ditsy young woman extols virtues of Psychic Friends Network. "My psychic was incredible! She said, 'You're a young woman' -- and I am!" Panel Two: "And she said, 'You've had troubles with your mom,' and I have!" Panel Three: "And then she said, 'You're a superstitious, gullible idiot,' and I am!" (Frank and Cindy Curry, Richmond) The Coors Light drinkers' Frisbee sails over the top of a mountain. When one of the guys goes to retrieve it, he is gored by a giant mountain goat. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Panel One: Cheers bar. A doctor from the shoulders up talks to Norm. "It's impacted. It will have to come out." Panel Two: Norm on a bar stool. You cannot see the seat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Road Runner cartoon: As usual, Road Runner causes Wile E. Coyote to fall off the cliff, and a boulder falls on his head. The coyote dies. Road Runner is hauled off to jail, and charged under federal statutes. It turns out the coyote was an endangered species. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Family Circus: Car in driveway with each person having a thought balloon. Father: "Look at that babe who lives next door. I'd sure like to get in her pants." Billy: "I wonder how long before they find the body." Dolly: "The effects of the glue I was sniffing are starting to wear off." Mother: "Look at that babe who lives next door. I'd sure like to get in her pants." Jeffy: "I think I'm gay. Even the babe next door does not attract me." Barfy: "I wonder if there are any good bones in that hole Billy was digging." Shrub: "E=mC2." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Panel One: Hi and Lois. Trixie the baby is in the living room by the window as her sunbeam streams in. Trixie: "My sunbeam!" Panel Two: Trixie looks concerned. " or is it a UFO tractor beam?" Panel Three: Trixie is sucked out the window. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Andy Capp. Andy comes home, drunk as usual. But this time it is realistic. He falls down on the doorstep and opens a gash on his forehead. He stumbles in and vomits on the floor . . . (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) =================== PAGE F4 8th Runner-Up: Charlie Keartts, Stuarts Draft, Va. = PEYTON COYNER, AFTON 7th Runner-Up: Jay Morton, Silver Spring = ELDEN CARNAHAN, LAUREL 4th Runner-Up: Maggie Shannon, Nashville = CHARLIE STEINHICE, CHATANOOGA 1st Runner-Up: Michael Koch, Potomac = DAVE FERRY, LEESBURG 1st Runner-Up: Jacqueline Moore, Washington = JOSEPH ROMM, WASHINGTON Winner: John O'Brien, Falls Church = CHUCK SMITH, WOODBRIDGE Honorable Mentions Jay Morton, Silver Spring = ELDEN CARNAHAN, LAUREL Michael Koch, Potomac = DAVE FERRY, LEESBURG Alexander B. Holcomb, Germantown = JENNIFER HART, ARLINGTON Kevin McTeague, Gaithersburg = TOM WITTE, GAITHERSBURG Q. Jura, Maplewood = STEPHEN DUDZIK, SILVER SPRING Kevin McTeague, Gaithersburg = TOM WITTE, GAITHERSBURG Michael Koch, Potomac = DAVE FERRY, LEESBURG Jacqueline Moore, Washington = JOSEPH ROMM, WASHINGTON Margaret Stone, Fairfax = SUSAN REESE, ARLINGTON Alexander B. Holcomb, Germantown = JENNIFER HART, ARLINGTON Joan D'Urso, Gaithersburg = JEAN SORENSEN, HERNDON Mark Yosey, Lake Ridge, Va. = CHUCK SMITH, WOODBRIDGE Jay Morton, Silver Spring = ELDEN CARNAHAN, LAUREL Michelle Fowler, Waldorf = SANDRA HULL, ARLINGTON Jay Morton, Silver Spring = ELDEN CARNAHAN, LAUREL Andy Kerlin, Reston = DAVE ZARROW, HERNDON Next Week: Tickle Me Twenhafel ====================================================================== WEEK 200, published January 12, 1997 Week 200: Caption Crunch IV For this week's contest, supply a new caption to any photograph appearing anywhere in today's Post, to make it funnier. Make sure you indicate what page the photograph was on. First-prize winner gets a trophy from the 1993 Fellowship House bowling tournament. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 200, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads, and to solicit new, more appropriate names for the days of the week. The best seven win prizes. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 197, in which you were asked to come up with witticisms to make David Twenhafel laugh. David, you may recall, is the certified financial planner from Silver Spring who wrote in to complain that our humor is not urbane enough. * Third Runner-Up: When is it acceptable to drink red wine with fish? When he is Harrington G. Fish Jr., noted oenologist. (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) * Second Runner-Up: This entry is humorous because it slyly pokes fun at the incestuous and self-referential nature of the contest itself. (Joseph Romm, Washington) * First Runner-Up: An accountant was picking up a financial report he had dropped on the floor. "Oh, dear, what happened?" said his colleague. "I lost my balance," retorted the first man. Both accountants were greatly amused and smiled briefly. (Ned Bent, Herndon) * And the Winner of the cat sculpture made from cow poop: How many of us have resisted an impish urge to stand in front of a Georges Seurat painting and exclaim, "Frankly, I just do not get the point." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Honorable Mentions: I just flew in from seeing the London Philharmonic perform Brahms Symphony No. 4 in E Minor, Opus 98, and boy are my arms tired! (David Genser, Vienna) What did Caesar say to spread confusion among the Gauls? "Enivay, idivay, icivay." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Oh, you're left-handed. How gauche!(Russell Beland, Springfield) If Mozart had studied under Little Richard, would he have written "Cosi fan Tutte Frutte"? (Jan Verrey, Alexandria) Jean-Paul Sartre repairs to a cafe on the Left Bank to revise his draft of "Being and Nothingness." Somewhat nauseated due to a lactose intolerance, he says to the waitress, "I'll have a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." To which the waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, we're out of cream. How about with no milk?" Sartre slaps his forehead. (G. Waldmann, Washington) What is the age twixt twelve and twenty? Halftween. Halftween, you see, is an anagram of Twenhafel. (Carol Fauth, Largo, Fla.) A man entered the Style Invitational pun contest. He submitted ten different puns, in the hopes that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did! (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Why did the chicken cross the road? To pair with a Domaine Joblot Givry Clos de la Servoisine 1994, hopefully. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Hey, Dave! Dave Twenhafel! We have the same first name! Isn't that Rich? No, it's Dave! Bwah ha ha ha. (David Genser, Vienna) A man clearing his throat prior to quoting a famous French philosopher is attempting to avoid putting the hoarse before Descartes. (Frank and Cindy Curry, Richmond) If Marcel Proust had written an evocative novel about his favorite 19th-century French chemist, what might he have titled it? "Remembrance of Things Pasteur." Oh, my. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Voltaire, Maimonides and Pliny the Elder walk into a bar. Then they realize they all speak different languages, so they cannot split the check. (David Genser, Vienna) I analyze the origins of names of insects, and so, you see, I am an etymology entomologist. (Russell Beland, Springfield) When their baby began wearing a satin dressing gown, replaced his pacifier with a cigarette holder and began spouting amusing drawing room anecdotes, the mother and father realized he was born to be Wilde. (Susan Reese, Arlington) What is a Twenhafel? A droll witticism so clever it makes one laugh until chardonnay comes out of one's nose. (Susan Reese, Arlington) What sort of repast would be suitable for highbrow persons who complain about Style Invitational humor? "Boeuf" and "grouse," accompanied by a bottle of "whine." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) You want sophisticated humor? I can do that. A philosopher, a Keynesian economist and an impressionist painter go into a two-holer outhouse, and No, wait. I can do this. I, um . (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * And Last: This is true. I was sitting a few rows behind George Will at an Orioles game last summer when another fan leaned over to him and said, "I know you. Who are you? Wait, don't tell me, I know! You're Tom Clancy!" "No," said George Will. "I am George Will." The fan looked nonplused, shrugged and turned back to the game. Now that made David Twenhafel laugh. (David Twenhafel, Silver Spring) Next Week: You Must Be Mad II ====================================================================== WEEK 201, published January 19, 1997 Week 201: The Elements of Style Element: WOMAN Symbol: Wo Physical Properties: Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts when handled gently. Very bitter if discarded. Turns slightly green when placed beside a newer specimen. Element: MAN Symbol: Xy Physical Properties: Easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. Element: BUREAUCRATIUM Symbol: Bm Chemical Properties: The heaviest element known to science. It has no protons or electrons and has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. Bureaucratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. This Week's Contest was proposed by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who swiped the idea from somewhere out there on the Internet. He wins a package of Larvets, cheddar cheese-flavored edible worm larvae. Stephen suggests that you come up with a new element and its symbol, and provide a brief description of its chemical or physical properties. First-prize winner gets a genuine change purse made from the scrotum of a kangaroo, a fine product mailed to the Style Invitational from Australia by Jerry Pannullo of Chevy Chase, who wins a can of bird's nest soup from the People's Republic of China, which was donated to the Style Invitational by Dave Barry of Miami, who wins a booger. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 201, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads, and to continue soliciting new names for the seven days of the week. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 198, in which you were asked to name a group, and an action designed to infuriate it. For some reason, the NRA took the most hits. A special thanks to Sandra Hull of Arlington for pointing out, to no apparent purpose, the nonetheless intriguing fact that "B'nai B'rith" is an anagram for "Thin Rabbi." Third Runner-Up: The National Organization for Women -- "Take Your Second Wife to Work Day." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Veterans of Foreign Wars -- Savion Glover performing "taps" at military funerals. (Frank and Cindy Curry, Richmond) First Runner-Up: Utah Jazz fans -- Implement quotas requiring racial representation on a sports team comparable to the racial makeup of the community that supports it. (Greg Pryor, Washington) And the Winner of the Pee-wee Herman dart board: Nobel Prize Committee -- Required to include new category recognizing "Most Bodacious Ta-Tas." (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Honorable Mentions The Christian Coalition -- Football players blaming Jesus when they lose. (Frank and Cindy Curry, Richmond) The American Federation of Teachers -- Spitwad SuperSoakers. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The National Rifle Association -- Bar children under 14 from owning assault weapons with armor-piercing jackets. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) The American Psychiatric Association -- Suicide-prevention hot lines manned by Don Rickles impersonators. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) NRA -- Bullet registration.(Frank and Cindy Curry, Richmond) D.C. Statehood Party -- One word: Guam. (Christopher Kent, Washington) England -- Translate the complete works of Shakespeare into Ebonics. (John D. Oesterle, Burke) The American Psychoanalytic Association -- Number of minutes in hour is increased from 50 to 60. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) The blind -- All Books on Tape recorded in Porky Pig voice. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) NRA -- Chisel the rest of the 2nd Amendment onto artwork in front of its headquarters. (Chris Fontecchio, Washington) Mensa -- Handbook, Mensa for Dummies. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals -- Fur Q-Tips. (Stephen Mather, College Park) American Civil Liberties Union -- "America's Funniest Executions." (Mitch Stark, Laytonsville) The Supreme Court -- Bermuda Shorts Day. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) NRA -- A seven-day waiting period between the time you pull the trigger and the time it fires. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws -- Uh, I dunno. I mean, there's nothing really worth getting upset about. I mean, you know, whatever. (John Judy, Silver Spring) Snack Food Industry -- Along with calories and fat counts, they must publish the number of miles you would have to jog to work off a single serving. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The Christian Coalition -- New holiday: "Blasphemous Transvestite Pride Day." (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) ACLU -- English-only emergency rooms. (David Genser, Vienna) NRA -- Lobbyists must wear dorky bright orange earflap caps to all social events. (Chris Rooney, San Francisco) Amnesty International -- Thumbscrew export subsidies. (David Genser, Vienna) American Medical Association -- Doctors must talk like pimps or drug dealers when prescribing medical marijuana to patients. (Chris Rooney, San Francisco) And Last: The Amish -- Nothing. I've tried. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Next Week: What's The Difference? ====================================================================== WEEK 202, published January 26, 1997 Week 202: The Elements of Smile This week's contest was suggested by many people, but originally by Tom Shroder of Miami Beach. Tom wins a CD-ROM containing "the highlights of 16,000 pages of tables, diagrams, pictures and documents on Turkish history, economy, social and cultural life, including background information on important Turkish foreign policy issues, texts of bilateral and multilateral agreements, and samples of Turkish music." Anyway, Tom suggests that you interpret any of the above computer emoticons, or "smileys." For those of you who may be unfamiliar with these items because you have a job that requires no technological knowledge, such as camel slaughterer, we will explain that a smiley is a series of symbols made on a computer keyboard and interpreted as a message. It is often but not always read by rotating it 90 degrees clockwise. For example, :-)))))) might be "Marlon Brando, happily contemplating his next meal." First-prize winner gets a set of four never-used antique cork-and-lacquer coasters featuring a photograph of Richard Nixon and Elvis Presley, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 202, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads, and to make our final pitch for new names for the days of the week. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 199, in which we asked you to tell us the difference between any two of 18 items we enumerated. Good answer, too popular to reward with a prize: What is the difference between a Cabbage Patch Snack Time Kid doll and an ethics lecture from Newt Gingrich? One eats hair, the other heats air. * Sixth Runner-Up: What is the difference between a cell in Lorton and monkeys at keyboards? Monkeys at keyboards hold a greater chance of someone completing a sentence.(Patricia Kearney, Williamsburg) * Fifth Runner-Up: What is the difference between a genuine Pickett slide rule and that woman who married JFK Jr.? One dress size. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Fourth Runner-Up: What is the difference between a genuine Pickett slide rule and Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the Macarena? A slide rule produces algorithms; Ruth Bader Ginsburg produces Al Gore rhythms. (Frank and Cindy Curry, Richmond) * Third Runner-Up: What is the difference between Miss Manners's commode and pregnancy? Only once, at most, has a pregnancy been immaculate. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) * Second Runner-Up: What is the difference between God and monkeys at keyboards? God wrote, "In the beginning, the Earth was without form and void," and the monkeys wrote, "ill fakjfwe q3h4t9p a[8a9j SZJfleHT[Z;KJH " (John Kammer, Herndon) * First Runner-Up: What is the difference between a Rottweiler in a baby carriage and that woman who married JFK Jr.? Carolyn never looks like she's just had a good meal. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) * And the winner of the genuine Pickett slide rule: What's the difference between "the courfe of human eventf" and an ethics lecture from Newt Gingrich? One has no S, and the other is full of it. (Rob Klotz, Olney) *Honorable Mentions: What is the difference between a cell in Lorton and a Cabbage Patch Snack Time Kid? The doll gives you a better haircut. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What is the difference between a Rottweiler in a baby carriage and pregnancy? The Rottweiler is more likely to get you a seat on the subway. (David Genser, Vienna) What is the difference between a genuine Pickett slide rule and an ethics lecture from Newt? The slide rule gives answers to three significant digits; the lecture only requires one. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) What is the difference between a shortstop from Yemen and a cinnamon bun shaped like Mother Teresa? A shortstop from Yemen would truly be a miracle. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) What is the difference between monkeys at keyboards and God? No one would believe you if you told them the monkeys wrote the Bible. (Russell Beland, Springfield) What is the difference between God and a Cabbage Patch Snack Time Kid? You can sue for acts of a Cabbage Patch Snack Time Kid. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What is the difference between God and Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the Macarena? If you see God, it's a pretty good chance you are not in Hell. (Jack Turner, Arlington) What is the difference between a cell in Lorton and a Cabbage Patch Snack Time Kid? A child could escape from a cell in Lorton. (Jerry Ewing, Fairfax) What is the difference between a Rottweiler in a baby carriage and an ethics lecture by Newt? One is punished by a gentle smack and a firm "No! Bad boy!" whereas the Rottweiler would probably be put to sleep. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What is the difference between that flappy thing at the back of the throat and an ethics lecture from Newt? If you try really hard, maybe you could swallow that flappy thing. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Vicky Crowder, Fredericksburg) What is the difference between a shortstop from Yemen and that woman who married JFK Jr.? The shortstop will never make that big a catch. (Vicky Crowder, Fredericksburg; Susan Reese, Arlington) What is the difference between a shortstop from Yemen and that woman who married JFK Jr.? The shortstop will occasionally let you get to second base. (Michael D. Dudzik, Alexandria) What is the difference between the medical uses of marijuana and a cell in Lorton? A prescription. (David K. Ronka, Bradford, Mass.) What is the difference between that woman who married JFK Jr. and a genuine Pickett slide rule? She's more calculating. (Frank and Cindy Curry, Richmond; Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) What is the difference between a cell in Lorton and Miss Manners's commode? Those little scented soaps. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What is the difference between Miss Manners's commode and a cinnamon bun shaped like Mother Teresa? It's easier to visualize the existence of God. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) What is the difference between that flappy thing at the back of the throat and that woman who married JFK Jr.? Nobody can remember the name of either one, but that flappy thing really bombed on the cover of People magazine. (Susan Reese, Arlington; Steve Anthony, Bethesda) What is the difference between God and that woman who married JFK Jr.? JFK Jr. never gets God's name wrong during sex. (Jerry Ewing, Fairfax) What is the difference between Miss Manners's commode and a cinnamon bun shaped like Mother Teresa? You can lick the commode and not feel dirty. (Michael D. Dudzik, Alexandria) What is the difference between a genuine Pickett slide rule and pregnancy? The slide rule is easier to handle if you are over 40. (David Genser, Vienna) What is the difference between a cinnamon bun shaped like Mother Teresa and a balanced budget? The National Enquirer would never publish a story about the budget. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What is the difference between a cell in Lorton and a genuine Pickett slide rule? The District government doesn't have the funds to provide many of its students with slide rules. (Russell Beland, Springfield) What is the difference between an ethics lecture from Newt and Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the Macarena? One is an elaborate dance done with the palms out, and the other is a Supreme Court justice. (David Genser, Vienna) What is the difference between a balanced budget and God? A balanced budget is more of an abstraction. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * And Last: What is the difference between a shortstop from Yemen and God? It might be funny to have people try to describe a shortstop from Yemen. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Caption Crunch IV ====================================================================== WEEK 203, published February 2, 1997 Week 203: CAN IT GET MUCH VERSE? On her beautiful face there are smiles of grace That linger in beauty serene. And there are no pimples encircling her dimples As ever, as yet, I have seen. -- J. Gordon Coogler In ages past, animals lived and died And afterwards were petrified By enclosure in massive rocks, And thus became fossilised blocks. The oldest-known rocks contain lime, Thus proving at that remote time Animal life did then abound, Which may fill us with thought profound. -- James Milligan By taking the impressions of watch-cases, he discovered one day, What is now called the art of Lithography So Alois plotted on making known his great discovery, Until he obtained the notice of the Royal Academy, Besides, he lived to obtain a Gold Medal, and what was more dear to his heart, He lived to see the wide extension of his art. And when life's prospects may appear dreary to ye, Remember Alois Senefelder, discoverer of Lithography. -- William McGonagall Accidents will happen by land and by sea, Therefore, to save ourself from accidents we needn't try to flee, For whatsoever God ordained will come to pass, For instance, ye may be killed by a stone or piece of glass. -- William McGonagall This week's contest is based upon the proofs of a new book that just arrived here: "Very Bad Poetry," edited by Kathryn Petras and Ross Petras, Vintage Press. The examples above are from that book. Your challenge is to create equally Very Bad Poetry. The key to being truly bad is appearing to strive to be truly good. Your poem should contain banalities masquerading as profundities, overstretched metaphors, etc. Special attention should be paid to dreadful syntax and painful rhyme. First-prize winner gets a genuined 1960s-era Eva Gabor wig, still in its box, a $30 value. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 203, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Hank Wallace of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 200, in which we challenged you to write funnier captions for any pictures in that day's Post. But first, to those many persons who were shocked that we did not in some way commemorate our 200th week: The true anniversary of The Style Invitational is March 7, 1997, which is the fourth anniversary of Founding Day. It will be celebrated at precisely noon by a mass flushing of toilets across the land. Regarding Week 200: In a few cases, we had to choose the best among several similar ideas. If you feel your entry was so much like one of our winners that it should have been awarded a prize, please convert to Buddhism, die, and be reborn into a world that is fair. Thank you. THE WINNERS --Third Runner-Up: Everyone wants a piece of the Packers' new wide receiver, The Scarecrow. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) --Second Runner-Up: Wake Forest, down by 30 points, resorts to sucking synovial fluid from knees of competitors. (Fred Darfler, Elkton) --First Runner-Up: A Dow-Corning spokes-person at press conference defending "wholly unpro-ven" claims that silicone breast implants can migrate. (Daniel & Sally Jackson, Martinsburg, W.Va.; Joanne Nees, Woodbridge) --And the winner of the bowling trophy: Paula Jones and Bill Clinton disagree about the nature of certain "distinguishing characteristics" she observed.(Jessica Steinhice, Washington) --Honorable Mentions: President Clinton shows the actual rolled-up newspaper used to whack Newt Gingrich in the nose, as punishment for ethics violations. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) One of the less well received participants in the Inaugural par-ade, the Argentinian Riot and Death Squad sweeps past the reviewing stand. (Daryl Powell, Fairfax) Hoyas' offense stumbles for lack of effective Right Guard. (John Kammer, Herndon) After removing lower leg assembly, twist head assembly to left and slide arm-shoulder assembly to align with guide groove on torso. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) The one-hour dancing limit was strictly enforced via wall-mounted vacuum. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Overcoming incredible odds, Siamese twins Sam and Ham Mills led the Panthers to the NFC title game; however, the team was penalized on every play for having 12 men on the field. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Looking a bit older, Princess Leia reveals her new hairstyle for the 20th anniversary of "Star Wars." (Paul Styrene, Olney) Michelin tire baby grows up. (Daniel and Sally Jackson, Martinsburg, W.Va.) Laura Dern testifies against the orthopedic surgeon who attached her left arm backwards. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Inventor Jasper Flim demonstrates his latest creation, the Tiecorder. (Earl Gilbert, LaPlata) Next Week: The Elements of Style ====================================================================== WEEK 204, published February 9, 1997 Week 204: Double Expresso Old Expression: "Picking the low-hanging fruit." Meaning: Taking the easy way out. New Expressions: "Firing the unarmed postal worker." "Flossing the big gaps." Old Expression: "Gilding the lily." Meaning: Making unnecessary or excessive cosmetic changes. New Expression: "Giving Dolly a Wonderbra." Old Expression: "Shedding crocodile tears." New Expression: "Pulling an O.J. at the funeral." This week's contest was suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield, who wins the Archies' greatest hits. Russell suggests that you take any well-known colorful expression, and modernize it. You may use any of the above, or any other, so long as it is well known. (Carrying coals to Newcastle, making a mountain out of a molehill, etc.) First-prize winner gets a foot-tall George Bush pincushion, a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 204, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 201, in which you were asked to come up with new elements for the Periodic Table. As often happens when a contest provokes political response, we had to wade through a heavy diet of humorless ax-grinding. As in: "CLINTONIUM -- An element that has no morals and keeps taking blood money from places like Indonesia and is married to Hillarium, an element which has thick ankles and I hate her." Fourth Runner-Up: LIMBAUGHIUM -- Lb -- The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat, but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repellent to protons and electrons; only succeeds in attracting morons. (Bobby Uppot, Baltimore) Third Runner-Up: BILLCLINTIUM -- Bc -- Undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Barryum -- Bm -- Very slippery. Tends to crack. Does not exist in any known state. Disappears when in the presence of ice and snow. This element has an inexplicably high durability. (Paul Bobowiec, Bowie; Marty Schulman, Herndon) First Runner-Up: CANADIUM -- Eh -- Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) And the winner of kangaroo-scrotum change purse: INNOFENSIUM -- Pc -- Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose. (Irwin Singer, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: NEWTIUM -- Nt -- Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply. (Papan Devnani, Arlington; Cissie Owen, Leesburg; Bob Sorensen, Herndon) SLATKIN -- Sk -- Excellent conductor. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) POLITICIUM -- Po -- Contains a great deal of brass. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House. (George Johnston, Bowie) MOMENTIUM -- Mo -- Highly prized by sports teams and candidates for public office. Elusive. Almost impossible to manufacture synthetically. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) QUAYLIUM -- Vp -- Einsteinium it ain't. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) WASHINGTONCAPITALIUM -- Wc -- Must be kept on ice. Tends to break down under high pressure. Caution: choking hazard. (Steven Liu, New Haven) CLINTONITE -- Bc -- With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element appears impervious to intense heat. Fatal to the unborn. (Guy de Blank, Herndon) CONGRESS -- Cg -- Atomic number, 535. Can never be found in a solution. (Andrew Brecher, Washington) STROMIUM -- Th -- Very durable. Specimens continue to flourish even when their outward appearance is of advanced decomposition. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) BUDWEISIUM -- Ps -- Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water. (Dale Rose, Hyattsville) CABMIUM -- Cb -- Found in abundance except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it often cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable and scientists have not yet determined the formula for calculating it. (Mark Nielsen, Rockville) FOODLIONIUM -- Fl -- Explodes when exposed to light. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) GORIUM -- Zz -- Latest discovery in group of inert gases. Also known as Tedium. (Milt Eisner, McLean) SNOT -- Sn -- Bonds forever with corduroy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) KRYPTONITE -- S -- Kills Superman. That's it. That's all it does. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) CZARBON -- F2 -- Has no taste. (Joseph Romm, Washington; Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And last: STYLEINVITEUM -- SI -- Combusts at 451 degrees Fahrenheit. No other known useful properties. (David K. Ronka, Bradford, Mass.) Next Week: The Elements of Smile ====================================================================== WEEK 205, published February 16, 1997 Week 205: Some Pig Today is a Style Invitational milestone, the second time in our illustrious history that we have possessed an object of such enormous intrinsic value that the contest is simply to beg for the prize: to convince us why you, and you alone, deserve to get it. The object, pictured above, is a plastic dancing pig wearing bib overalls and galoshes. When you reach into his pants and activate a switch on his behind, scratchy music plays and he executes a jig. The music is "La Bamba." One of his arms is broken, twisted behind his back, as though by someone who tried desperately to make him stop, in the manner one might coerce a confession from a prisoner in a North Korean cell. When active, The Pig moves forward unsteadily for approximately 12 seconds, then collapses, twitching, on his back. As with all valuable works of art, elaborate research has been done establishing The Pig's provenance: On Sunday, Jan. 26, 1997, in Miami Springs, Fla., at approximately 6:32 p.m., a Mr. Glenn Terry, middle school art teacher and famous Miami area cheeseball-event impresario, was scavenging through the dumpsters. (Mr. Terry is a denizen of the darkest reaches of the human soul. Many years ago he persuaded The Czar of the Style Invitational to ride in a parade, playing the harmonica and hurling bloody chicken feet at the crowd, but that is another story.) Anyway, Mr. Terry found The Pig. "It seemed cute at first," he reports, "then it got old, and then it got scary." Terry was terrified. Sensing that he possessed an object of overpowering evil, he put it into a shopping bag and had it hand-delivered to Dave Barry at the Miami Herald. "This is embarrassing," says Barry, "but it actually sat on my desk unopened for almost a week. I'd no idea what I had. And then -- it was one of those days you don't think anything important will happen -- I opened it up, turned it on and it danced off my desk into my lap." Instantly, Dave summoned his assistant, Judi Smith. Together, dumbfounded, they watched it, watched it again, wrung out their underpants, etc. Within minutes, the entire infrastructure of the Miami Herald swung into action. The Pig was packaged and addressed, on its way to the nation's capital -- insured, Dave says, "for $15 million." It arrived at the offices of The Style Invitational at 11:44 a.m. on Monday, Feb. 10, and will remain here until it is awarded as First Prize to our lucky winner. It is worth $ 15 million. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 205, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 202, in which we invited you to interpret one of several emoticons, or keyboard-generated computer images. Thank you to all you persons out there who informed us that no, you are not computer geeks or anything, and you really have marvelous senses of humor, but we should just be aware that we egregiously violated the spirit of the emoticon by utilizing certain characters that are not universally reproducible because they are excluded from the ASCII protocol of symbols, letters and codes. Unless otherwise specified, all the winners should be rotated 90 degrees clockwise. * Third Runner-Up:"I have thick eyebrows, a ruptured colon, a cleft palate, one leg, a large tumor, a spot on my lung and hair growing out of a mole." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) * Second Runner-Up:"My head has been severed and there are Bronco tracks all over the front lawn." (John Kammer, Herndon) * First Runner-Up:A pregnant Barbra Streisand waits impatiently for her cheatin' husband to get home. (Tina Conner, Washington; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) * And the winner of the Presley-Nixon coasters: His Holiness sits on an air-inflated gag gift and, for his first and last time, makes Whoopee. (Alex Neill, Washington) * Honorable Mentions: Emoticon 1: Liberace is sickened by the quality of piano playing in Hell. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) (Rotate 90 degrees counterclockwise) 19th-century baseball player. (Tex Whitehouse, Upper Marlboro) President Clinton interrupts a scheduled bill-signing to place a souvenir pen between his lip and nose to ask those assembled how he would look with a mustache. (Judy Kahn, Silver Spring) Emoticon 3: Zippy the Pinhead's brother, Louis Farrakhan the Pinhead. (Paul Styrene, Olney) The flounder stood up, laced its fins, and casually tried to stroll out the door of the seafood restaurant. It didn't work. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "I am healing up nicely from my Caesarean section, thank you." (David Genser, Vienna) Pee-wee Herman's mug shot. (David Vierling, Woodbridge) Emoticon 4: When Robin Givhan recommended wearing one shoe and a windsock for a hat, Washington women leaped to obey. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Emoticon 5: Picasso's "Three Programmers" from his ASCII period. (David Howe, Washington) "I have been waiting for AOL so long I have turned into a totem pole." (Jerry Podlesak, Arlington)(Rotate 90 degrees counterclockwise) Martha Stewart carefully carries her pork chops to the grill on her flagstone patio. (Richard E. Brock, Adelphi) Emoticon 7: The artist formerly known as (John Kammer, Herndon) "I have been bludgeoned and have collapsed on my computer keyboard." (David Genser, Vienna) The dream of the Flying Wallendas: The five-watermelon, two-man, three-bratwurst-on-the-nose tower was within their grasp, if only Nino could hold them all for five more seconds. (Dudley Thomson Jr., Silver Spring) Mathematical proof that Colin Powell is greater than both pooooz and the positive/negative comments made about him, and therefore he should be the Republican presidential nominee in 2000. (David Vierling, Woodbridge) Emoticon 8: "I am wearing my 'Baby' T-shirt upside down, and pregnancy already has given me a large varicose vein on my right knee." (David Genser, Vienna) Emoticon 6: People on the Metro escalator were efficiently standing on the right and walking on the left -- until the sumo wrestler got on. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) At the Wheeling, W.Va., art museum, "Roadkill Still Life," displayed intimately on a simple easel, was a smash hit. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "My legs are short, but my navel is huge." (Fred Kaiser, Silver Spring) Consumer tip: Make sure when you buy a 35-inch color TV that the measurements refer to screen size, not cabinet size. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; David Genser, Vienna) * And Last: Warning: "Name the emoticon" contests are less than nothing. (Jim Glanville, Blacksburg, Va.) Next Week: Can It Get Much Verse? ====================================================================== WEEK 206, published February 23, 1997 Week 206: Hyphen The Terrible II Suspen-fort: n. A medieval battlement made entirely of vines hanging from trees, lashed together with chewing gum. Very, very ineffective. Dis-ful: adj. Extremely rude. Snarl-putes: v. Operates a computer in a fashion inconsistent with optimal results, producing incomprehensible but terrifying error messages such as 'cancel, retry, abort?' Passen-ful: adj. Describes the overstuffing of persons into a public conveyance. 'The Metroliner from D.C. to New York was so passen-ful, 12 people died of asphyxiation.' Today's contest: Create a new word by combining the first half of any hyphenated word in today's newspaper with the second half of any other hyphenated word elsewhere in the same story, and supply a definition. You may give a sample sentence, but it is not required. The examples above are derived from today's Miss Manners column. First-prize winner gets a genuine fencer's mask, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 206, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Elden Carnahan of Laurel for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 203, in which you were asked to write awful poetry. Some of you submitted rather clever poetic parodies. These were too good to win. The truly horrible poem is of banal or inappropriate subject matter, oversentimentalized, filled with the clunkiest verbiage and infantile observations. Or, as Roy Jacobstein of Washington put it: Remember these very basic rules / Ever your syntax make dreadful, / Stretch metaphoric rubber bands, smoke Kools, / Keep your rhymes simple and painful. * Fourth Runner-Up: Remember the great Louis Pasteur, who saved mankind from the diseases Which lurked in bacteria infecting milk and cheeses. He also found a vaccine for rabies caused by the bite of rabid curs, So when you think of great achievements, remember Louis Pasteur's.(Miles D. Moore, Alexandria) * Third Runner-Up: My heart has pled guilty to loving you Irregardless of your orientation I will orientate to your situation I literally worship the ground you tread And hang upon your lips, till myself be dead. (Lissa Davis, Somerville) * Second Runner-Up: Madeleine Albright You're alright! To the women of the world You're a symbol of hope, Even though you will never be pope (Frank and Cindy Curry, Richmond) * First Runner-Up: I walk through the woods. Nature's howling wind speaks to me. "Stop cutting my trees!" "Stop polluting!" nature says. It starts to rain. Nature is crying. It's our fault. I cry also. (Philip Vitale, Arlington) * And the winner of the Eva Gabor wig: The world's great mathematicians assembled for a lecture To hear a rising star prove the Taniyama Conjecture And the young man astounded those who did hear him By also casually proving Fermat's Last Theorem! And for this achievement, everlasting glory and acclaim Will forever go to, y'know, whatsizname. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) * Honorable Mentions: Robert Frost was the first poet to read at a presidential inauguration, Which was an occasion for widespread celebration. Maya Angelou and Miller Williams soon also were asked to read, And to them all America paid heed. So though the fortunes of all poets be tempest-toss'd, Americans should honor the efforts of poets such as Angelou, Williams and Frost, And spare them all censoriousness When they praise American presidents in all their gloriousness. (Miles D. Moore, Alexandria) My verse flies up on wings inspired, And, hoo boy, are my metaphors tired. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) The sanctity of life should never ever be violated. War is bad because so many people get annihilated. We should all be thankful for the decline in murders of New Yorkians, And be grateful there are no more Jack Kevorkians ... (Joseph Romm, Washington) Little Girl Scouts come knocking at my door To sell me a cookie such as the Samoa, Just remember that these young women today selling Thin Mints May be tomorrow's governors or astronauts or presidents! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) O heartburn, Brown vapor of agony, Silent eunuch of the colon (Jeanne O'Meara, Alexandria) 'Twas a time when Fore'er apostroph'd, Poetic words 'twere writ'n oft'n. Ne'er more. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) O Atlantic, cry I. So big! So wet! (David K. Ronka, Bradford, Mass.) The orb hangs o'er the dampy sea, The far-off moon like an oaten fruit In meadows where horse whisperings Mingle with strains of the sackbut's toot, Bends the bloated bow to me. Under such an orby thing did Diogenes long ago With his lamp the wide world wander, Its broad corpulent expanse makes me ponder and think of you, And not that scrawny tramp, Luann Beauregard McGrew. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Ode to the Manatee Ho, sea cow great! Keeper of the silent smile Watcher of the endless mile, Like Mona, of Lisa fame, Or poet, of forgotten name. (Walt Wiley, Richmond) If the glove don't fit you must acquit. (J. Cochran, Los Angeles; Paul Styrene, Olney) With the passion that young girls used to have for Bobby Vinton, I love you, only child of President Bill and Hillary Rodham Clinton. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The sea anemone asserts preeminent hegemony, Extending toxic tentacles to enervate its enemies; Phlegmatic clown fish, unconcerned, anomalously coexist, Their mucus gives immunity from venomous nematocysts. (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring) As she struggled to give birth, The woman labored for all her worth, Though o'ertaken by pain, By nightfall, motherhood would be her gain. And though the cost would be in sweat and blood, She would lift a new soul from the primordial mud. Through the many hours she tried to endure all, But finally she had to have an epidural. (Beth Blevens, Greenbelt) Next Week: Double Expresso ====================================================================== WEEK 207, published March 2, 1997 Week 207: TIED TO BE FIT This week's contest was suggested by John Fiorini of Reston, who wins a slice of foam rubber chocolate cake distributed by Dow Chemical Co. as a promotional item to advertise diethylpropion hydrochloride, an appetite suppressant. Here is the contest: Each of the eight items above is related, in some fashion, to one or more of the following individuals: Antonin Scalia, Dolly the sheep, Madeleine Albright, Aldrich Ames, Woody Allen, and Deng Xiaoping. You make the connections. You may do one or more than one. First-prize winner gets an amazing item of clothing, donated to The Style Invitational by Tatiana Wellcom of Vienna. It arrived in the mail without explanation. It is a small article, apparently one of a kind, made of rabbit, mink and camel's hair, conforming to no known prototype of outerwear. It has a decorative furball, and a fur strap, and lovely onyx-style buttons. Several men passed it around the office trying to guess what it was ("a bonnet?" "a dickey?" "a hand muff?") and finally, an expert was summoned. Robin Givhan is a Princeton graduate who has written extensively about fashion for the San Francisco Chronicle, the Detroit Free Press and the Washington Post. She has covered runway fashion shows in Paris, Milan and New York. She took one look at this item, and knew instantly what it was. "This," she said, "is for a dog." Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 207, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Tom Witte of Gaithersburg for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 204, in which we invited you to update colorful expressions. Fourth Runner-Up -- Old expression: Dressed to kill. New expression: Got your Bruno Maglis on. (John Michael Platt, Ellicott City) Third Runner-Up -- Old expression: Trying to get blood from a stone. New expression: Deposing Hillary. (Edward Roeder, Washington) Second Runner-Up -- Old expression: Looking a gift horse in the mouth. New expression: Complaining that the Publishers Clearing House van is in your parking space. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up -- Old expression: Robbing Peter to pay Paul. New expression: Putting the Visa bill on MasterCard. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) And the winner of the George Bush pincushion: Old expression: AWOL. New expression: AOL. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) Honorable Mentions: Old expression: Preaching to the choir. New expression: Ranting to Dittoheads.(Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Old expression: As American as apple pie. New expression: As American as baba ghanouj. (J. F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.) Old expression: Debt of honor. New expression: (No modern equivalent found.) (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Old expression: The chickens coming home to roost. New expression: Bruno Magli says howdy. (David Genser, Vienna) Old expression: Mixing like oil and water. New expression: Putting the Style Invitational in Book World. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Old expression: Living on the edge. New expression: Dialing and driving. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Old expression: Fiddling while Rome burns. New expression: Teeing off while the jury deliberates. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Old expression: Sounding like fingernails on a blackboard. New expression: Talkin' like the Nanny. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Old expression: May the Force be with you. New expression: May the Force be with you. (Dan Cherkis, Oakton) Old expression: Putting all your eggs in one basket. New expression: Focusing on Richard Jewell. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Old expression: Having your cake and eating it, too. New expression: Whatever. (Mike Weiderhold, Springfield) Old expression: Putting your foot in your mouth. New expression: Apologizing to Albright for not sending a Hanukah card. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Old expression: In over his head. New expression: Downloading with an abacus. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Old expression: Seeing a man about a horse. New expression: Hopping on board the airline service cart. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Old expression: Painting the town red. New expression: Car-pooling with Teddy. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Old expression: The rooster taking credit for the dawn. New expression: The State of the Union address. (Rick Meyerson, Arlington) Old expression: Putting on airs. New expression: Twenhafling. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) And Last: Old expression: Catching more flies with honey than with vinegar. New expression: The Czar is a comic genius. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Some Pig ====================================================================== WEEK 208, published March 9, 1997 Week 208: Send In the Clones If you have sex with your wife's clone, are you really being unfaithful? If a president is elected for two terms and then his clone is elected president, would that violate the 22nd Amendment? Would Boutros Boutros Ghali's clone be Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Ghali? This week's contest was proposed by Ken Sandler of Arlington, who wins "Smelly Old History," a uniquely British, relentlessly cheerful scratch-'n'-sniff book featuring fetid odors from the march of civilization ("Every day, one thousand tons of horse dung were deposited on the streets of London! Scratch here to "). Ken writes that since President Clinton has promised to empanel a commission to investigate the moral, legal and practical questions raised by cloning, we should give this commission some help. Suggest questions they might consider. First-prize winner gets a genuine "alarm chicken," a value of $15 million. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 208, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before St. Patrick's Day. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Elden Carnahan of Laurel for today's Ear No One Reads. Also, have you ever noticed that when newspapers correct errors, they make it sound really trivial, as in, "The name of the Governor of Arkansas was misspelled in a Style story on Tuesday; his name is Mike Huckabee," without ever mentioning that his name, as originally "misspelled," was "Barnaby 'The Big Spaz' Chockalewski?" Well, we would now like to report that we, um, misspelled the name of last week's donor of the canine fur coat. Her name is Tatiana Devins, not Tatiana Welldotcom, as we suggested. (Don't ask.) Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 205, in which we asked you to tell us why you, and you alone, deserve the plastic dancing pig, found in a dumpster in Miami Springs, Fla., that performs a jig to "La Bamba" and then falls over on its back twitching and vibrating. But first, to commemorate the start of the fifth year of the Style Invitational, we have come up with a new prize to be awarded to all first runners-up, the fabulous rosewood engraved "Loser" pen, a tasteful memento that would be a handsome addition to any bib overall. As to the quest for the pork -- we thank you for the many fine items you mailed us as inducements, including not one but two sets of ladies' undergarments. Many of you submitted photographs of your pets, threatening to kill them if we did not give you the pig. Sandy Campbell of Lake Ridge send us this picture of her dancing pig, a virtual clone of ours, and her Chihuahua. Shoot the dog, Sandy, and we will talk. Judith Daniel of Washington, who won the last beg-for prize by faking an orgasm in print, tried it again. Nice try, Judy. We appreciate the effort. We have photocopied your entry for distribution in the lobby of The Washington Post. We were tempted by the offer from Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who said that if we delivered the pig to her, she would within six months get it a pre-approved MasterCard. We are sending her another, similar item instead, and anxiously await the results. Runner-Up in the poetry division goes to Gloria Federico of Lovettsville: Swans sing with the moon. A lotus petal floats by. Give me the damn pig. Best threat came from Russell Beland of Springfield: That's a nice newspaper you work for. It would be a pity if it got broke. The winner in the shameless begging category, in which persons debase themselves for the prize, goes to Jennifer Hart of Arlington, who wrote in, simply: "I want the pig because it vibrates." Now, the overall winners: First Runner-Up: You got my pig, see? I gave it to a friend to transport to the United States as a gift for another person of my personal acquaintance. There was some confusion at the Miami Airport involving the police and it must of got temporarily throwed out in a dumpster. So you will please act in your best interests and send it back to myself. And don't mess with it none first. -- Julio "Los Cojones" Castillo, Cali, Colombia. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) The Winner of The Pig: I am also the owner of a valuable work of art -- an alarm chicken. As the attached photo shows, the chicken holds a turquoise guitar and wears sunglasses. Depressing the chicken's red comb opens his beak and activates the alarm. The chicken plays his guitar and sings in a drug-addled voice, "Wow, yeah, hey baby wake up, come and dance with me" over and over. Recently, my cats have learned how to activate the alarm. They do so incessantly, in the middle of the night. I will gladly trade my singing chicken for your dancing pig. (Jon Williams, Washington) [For a Sound Peck of this fine item, dial Post-Haste at 202-334-9000 and enter 8181.] And last, winning a special, preemptive award of the very first Style Invitational loser pen: Give me the pig or I'll send back all the crap that I've won. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Hyphen The Terrible II ====================================================================== WEEK 209, published March 16, 1997 Week 209: WE NEED SOME SEASONING The first signs of spring: 1. The District of Columbia Public Works Department switches from not plowing the streets to not picking up lawn trimmings. 2. There is a shortage of yellow "Police Line" tape. 3. White House sleepovers can now take place on the South Lawn This Week's contest was suggested by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a mouse pad advertising fever-blister medication. Elden suggests that you come up with the first signs of spring in the Washington area. First-prize winner gets one of the neatest things we've ever awarded: two gilt-wrapped squares of very, very stale chocolate handsomely displayed in a gold frame. Mounted with them is a document that reads, in its entirety: "This will authenticate that after-dinner chocolates 1 1/3 inches by 1 1/3 inches square in gold foil wraps stating 'Malacanang Palace, Manila, Philippines' were obtained from Marcos Estate Auction, Sunrise Galleries, New York City, on August 15-16, 1986." We're not sure what this is worth, but we bet it is a lot. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 209, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 206, in which you were asked to create new words by combining the first half of a hyphenated word in that day's newspaper with the second half of a different hyphenated word in the same article. Fifth Runner-Up: Hot-mometer, n. A device that men use to scope out good-looking chicks pushing strollers. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Fourth Runner-Up: Popu-mouth, n. The act of punching a New Yorker in the face. (David Genser, Vienna) Third Runner-Up: 62-year-rated, adj. For very, very mature audiences only. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: Narcot-rifice, n. Any body cavity used to smuggle drugs. (Russell Beland, Springfield) First Runner-Up: Think-ter, n. The muscle in one's brain that contracts under stress to prevent crude or embarrassing thoughts from emerging. (David Hartman, Oakton) And the Winner of the genuine fencer's mask: Pro-zakstan, n. A country that is always at peace. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: Accountabil-ly, n. A form of music favored by financial advisers in West Virginia. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Ameri-bile, n. Rantings on talk radio. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Boom-gram, n. A package from Ted Kazcynski. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Boom-in-hand, n. A hand grenade with a very short fuse. (Rob Klotz, Olney) Bud-lightenment, n. A sudden, bloated truth about the obvious that one attains after drinking a case of sissy beer. (Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse; Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Circum-town, n. Tel Aviv. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Conserva-na, n. An earthly paradise where there are no taxes. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Dad-boy, n. Father Walton. ("Goodnight, Dad-boy.") (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) Ego-town, n. The nation's capital. (Bill Stein, Bethesda) Gam-ference, n. The mistaken belief that a woman is coming on to you just because she is wearing a short skirt. (David Genser, Vienna) Grandchil-ly, adj. The atmosphere when you've dropped the kids off at grammy and grampy's house one too many times. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Homosexual-retariat, n. A horse-breeder's nightmare. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Inter-um, n. A word that, like, you know, bridges the gap between phrases in a teenager's sentence. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Love-be-walled, n. A chastity belt. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Manag-uum, n. The state in which a worker may temporarily exist with a lack of supervisory oversight, usu. characterized by surprising surges in productivity. (Dorothy Hickson, Washington) Missis-be-walled, n. Ross Perot's crazy aunt in the basement. (Jessica Steinhice, Riverdale) Rat-and-a-half, n. The result of the first primitive attempt at adult mammal cloning. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Rep-ture, n., archaic. The feeling of having a really good congressman. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) Retire-tirement, n. Describes the condition of having retired from the job you took after you retired from your government job. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Seis-miliation, n. You guys know what I mean. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Stud-ites, n. Extremely handsome men who shun technology. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Ta-taurant, n. A topless restaurant. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Testicu-time, n. A very short period of time that seems very long, e.g., the time a boxer is allowed to rest after receiving a low blow, the time it takes to go over a really big speed bump, or the 8 seconds the rodeo rider has to stay on the bucking bronco. (David Genser, Vienna) Third-dergardners, n. Illiterate 9-year-old victims of a deteriorating education system. (Rob Klotz, Olney) Uncondition-rishioner, n. One who stands by his church, no matter what. (Walter J. Probka, Silver Spring) Un-quisition, n. A less successful reign of terror whose main weapon was "The Wedgie." (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Wis-dicator, n. A tiny wet spot on the front of one's trousers. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Next Week: Tied to be Fit ====================================================================== WEEK 210, published March 23, 1997 Week 210: Random Memo Memo to: Richard Gere. The Vet says the gerbil died. Memo to: Martha Stewart. Your bowling league application has been denied. This Week's Contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a can of diced rutabagas. Elden suggests that you supply embarrassing "While You Were Out" phone messages that might be left for famous people, in plain sight, while they are away from their desks. First-prize winner gets a softball-size metal bank in the shape of a globe of the world, filled with pennies, donated to the Style Invitational by Tatiana Divens of Vienna, whose name we may have finally gotten right. This globe is old -- it still features the Soviet Union -- and it is eccentric: It shows the precise air distances between such places as Cape Town and Ceylon (4,230 miles) but not New York to Paris, and while Hungary is barely visible ("Hun."), a comparatively vast space is devoted to Tannu Tuva, a region of Russia known mostly to stamp collectors and which does not technically exist as an actual country except on this map. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 210, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 31. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 207, in which you were asked to tell us what any of eight items had to do with Aldrich Ames, Woody Allen, Deng Xiaoping, Antonin Scalia, Madeleine Albright, or Dolly the sheep. Third Runner-Up: (Item 5) This was Aldrich Ames's paperweight on his desk at the CIA. It attracted no suspicion. (David Genser, Vienna; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Second Runner-Up: (Item 8) This is Deng Xiaoping 20 seconds after Saint Peter hits the trapdoor button. (Carole Berghers, Potomac) First Runner-Up: (Item 4) A strand of Antonin Scalia's DNA.(Ned Bent, Herndon) And the winner of the doggie fur coat: (Item 7) This is a photo of Madeleine Albright's father wearing his Yeshiva sweater. No wonder she never suspected. (David Genser, Vienna) Honorable Mentions: Item 1: Though it seemed at the time that her family was assimilating into American society, Ms. Albright now realizes this was her father's hunting yarmulke. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) A bad accessory from Aldrich Ames's Lamar Alexander disguise. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Item 2: Both sardines and Antonin Scalia demand a strong Constitution. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A graphic representation of Woody Allen's movies. They seem identical, are hard to get into, and you have to develop a taste for them because they sort of stink. (Jessica Steinhice, Riverdale) For the sardines, death is the ticket into a can. For Aldrich Ames, death is the ticket out of the can. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Deng and the turn-key can opener mechanism were both revolutionary -- 50 years ago. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) These subjects were actually cloned before Dolly, but one of the Scottish scientists got a terrible craving for anchovy-and-haggis pizza. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Item 3: This toy and Woody Allen are both good at cymbalism. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Items 4 & 6: As a child, Antonin Scalia's favorite game was "Duck Duck Noose." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Item 5: What you'd have to pay for a Dolly lamb chop. (David Genser, Vienna) Both this and Madeleine Albright come in different denominations. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) This is a chain letter. Make 10 copies and mail it to friends. In 1972, George O'Leary of Boston sent out 10 copies and he found a sack of money the next day. In 1994, Aldrich Ames of Washington broke the chain, and the next day he was arrested for espionage. In 1997, Deng Xiaoping of Beijing broke the chain and died. Pass it on. Do not break the chain. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) This was part of a bank robbery, and Woody Allen was part of a cradle robbery. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Item 6: Both this and Woody Allen have had baths with Soon-Yi in recent years. (David Genser, Vienna) Item 7: When they start attempting to duplicate the Dolly experiment with people, this is precisely the kind of preppy snot that scientists will try to clone. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Before the Tiananmen Square massacre, this was the president of the Deng Xiaoping fan club. The letter on his sweater is X for Xiaoping. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) When Madeleine Albright learned about her roots, it was almost as shocking as when Malcolm X learned about his half brother from this old family photograph. (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.) Item 8: Both this and Deng have some preservatives in them. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Send in the Clones ====================================================================== WEEK 211, published March 30, 1997 Week 211: Give Us the Backs Off Your Shirts This Week's Contest: This is the design for the front of the fourth Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. You design the back. It can be a slogan, a drawing, whatever, anything that captures the transcendent dignity of this contest. First-prize winner gets a pair of fine wooden crutches donated by the Style Invitational by Sandra Hull of Arlington, who recently injured an ankle but is now completely normal again, unless you count the fact that, judging from the size of these crutches, she is the approximate size of a Tickle Me Elmo doll. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 211, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank John Kammer of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 208, in which you were asked to come up with intriguing questions to be considered by President Clinton's commission on the moral and practical effects of cloning. Many, many people asked if having sex with one's clone would render one blind. And many, many people told that stupid joke about making an "obscene clone fall," claiming it as their own. Third Runner-Up: If the DNA from the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby O.J. Simpson, then could we maybe get an actual guilty verdict? (Maureen Flaherty & Russell W. Beland, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: If we cloned Dolly Parton, would her clone be flat-chested? Bet it would. (Lisa Klisch, Denver) First Runner-Up: If you cloned the Washington Bullets and had the two teams play each other, would both lose? And how many Chris Webbers would get hurt? (David Genser, Vienna) And the winner of the Alarm Chicken: Are the pope and his clone both infallible? What if they disagree on something? (Joan Schloo, Rockville) Honorable Mentions: Could you clone Alan Greenspan, or would it have to be living tissue? (David Genser, Vienna) If you cloned Henry IV would he be Henry V or Henry IV Jr. or, wait, Henry IV Part II?(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Shep Evans, Stockbridge, Mass.) If the Hare Krishnas start cloning themselves, how will the rest of us find out? (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) If you cloned a prehistoric monster that destroyed Tokyo, wouldn't that be playing Godzilla? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Would it work if I binged and my clone purged? (Linda Evangelista, New York; Jean Sorensen, Herndon) If Michael Jackson is cloned, is it against the law for him to play with himself as a child? (Michael Mancini, Falmouth, Mass.) Do clones taste like chicken? (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Would cloning cheapen and demean those Penthouse "twins" pictorials? (David Genser, Vienna) Could a Cal Ripken clone continue "the streak"? (Chris Green, Washington; Jessica Steinhice, Riverdale) Would there be a market for genetic "factory seconds" and "irregulars"? (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Should we clone Gen X'ers so there will be enough of them working to support Social Security when I retire? Yes. (David Genser, Vienna) Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Clonial Williamsburg? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Is it true that if you clone yourself four times, one will be Chinese? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) So, say I secretly cloned Bill Gates and raised the clone to trust me utterly and then I killed Bill Gates and replaced him with the clone and then had the clone make me his sole beneficiary and then I killed the clone. Would it be wrong to do this to Bill Gates? How about Robert Dornan? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) If Larry King clones himself and interviews himself on his show, wouldn't that pretty much make nuclear war something we can all look forward to? (Robin D. Grove, Columbia) Michael Jordan vs. Michael Jordan, one on one. (No question here, but man, just think about it.) (Dave George, Glendale, Calif.) If my clone had a sex change operation, could I legally marry him? After all, he'd have an irresistible dry wit. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Would we want to keep a few ugly people around just, you know, for laughs? (David Genser, Vienna) Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted? (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Some people might keep a clone of themselves in deep freeze, for organ transplants. How many Boris Yeltsins would be needed for an adequate supply of livers? (Edward P. Moser, Arlington) If cloning becomes readily available, will the bottom drop out of the market for sperm donors? How am I supposed to pay the bills? (John Kammer, Herndon; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Is it possible to make a clone of Kate Moss and then attach the two together to make a regular-size person? Sure, she'd have two heads, but that would still be way more normal. (Susan Reese, Arlington) And Last: If I clone myself and send him down there to help you write colostomy jokes, may I please please have my life back? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: We Need Some Seasoning ====================================================================== WEEK 212, published April 6, 1997 Week 212: Dumb as The Post Kidnapping Robert Haft to get ransom money from his dad, Herbert. Trying to pass funny money at the gift shop at the Bureau of Printing and Engraving. Fencing Apple computers. Hijacking a blimp. This Week's Contest was suggested by Ann Gerhart of Bethesda, after she read about Montgomery County's "gentleman burglars," who broke into houses in Potomac and Bethesda and demanded cash. Ann says these guys were morons. People in Potomac and Bethesda (1) have elaborate security systems, and (2) do not keep money in the house, they live on plastic. Ann suggests that you come up with even stupider crimes. (Please, spare us examples stolen from the excellent book "America's Dumbest Criminals," which contains 100 of the stupidest real crimes ever committed, including the idiot who staged a prison break two days before the end of his sentence, and the accused vending-machine thief who paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.) First-prize winner gets a hard-bound copy of the American Phrenological Journal of 1866. This is the second such volume that has come into our possession, and once again we are impressed by the authority with which it speaks on the scientific significance of the shape and contours of one's head, which account for telling fluctuations in one's personality and capabilities and moral fiber. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 212, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park for today's Ear No One Reads. Hello out there . . . Do we owe you any prizes? Speak now, or forever be silent. For the next three weeks we will entertain and investigate complaints from people who contend we have stiffed them; send in a postcard with your name and address and what you think we owe you, specifying the week number of the contest or contests in question. Bear in mind that delivery takes up to eight weeks, so we don't want to hear about anything after Week 201. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 209, in which you were asked to come up with signs that spring has sprung in Washington: Third Runner-Up: In a lighthearted, festive mood, Metro riders read the Economist instead of Congressional Quarterly. (David Genser, Vienna) Second Runner-Up: You see the first robbin' of spring. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) First Runner-Up: Lawyers put their clocks forward one hour, then bill their clients for the hour. (Nicci Daho, Blacksburg) And the winner of the chocolates from the Ferdinand Marcos estate: Last year's tourists return to testify. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Honorable Mentions: D.C. cabbies switch from flannel to cotton turbans. (Will Waters, North Potomac; Philip Delduke, Bethesda) D.C. surveyors begin to lay out next year's potholes. (Will Waters, North Potomac) O.J. widens his search for the real killers to include Canadian golf courses. (Paul Laport and Lee Mayer, Washington; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Antonin Scalia turns back the clocks.(Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Parked cars sport colorful Denver boots. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Street vendors get their annual shipment of fresh hot dogs. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Senators fly back from San Juan Capistrano. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Mail carriers start wearing those stupid-looking shorts with the socks pulled all the way up like a dork. (Definitely not sent in by Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, no siree Bob.) Everyone sets his clocks ahead one hour except Dan Quayle, who moves to a different time zone. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The more romantic Washington men send glamour shots of their resumes to their mates. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Spring brings sunshine and warmth, allowing the District's downtown denizens to strip down to four layers of clothing. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Anonymous volunteers thoughtfully prune D.C. parking meters. (David Genser, Vienna) Flashers take the linings out of their raincoats. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) G. Gordon Liddy sees his shadow, grabs a pistol and blasts the hell out of it. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Preschool children who have donated more than $50,000 to the DNC participate in the annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn. (Michael Jahr, Washington; Russell Beland, Springfield) Frequency of rain and leaky roofs means many D.C. schools no longer are fire hazards. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The whole Mall area is full of buds. Trees are sprouting, too. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Street people get their shopping cart wheels rotated. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Alan Greenspan crawls out, sees his shadow and raises interest rates. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Plumbers put away the long johns and break out the butt cracks. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Roberto Alomar begins spitting practice. (Alex Neill, Washington) The sounds of singing birds, rumbling lawn mowers, blasting car alarms and whizzing bullets filling the air make it nearly impossible to hear your Miranda rights being read to you. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Next Week: Random Memo ====================================================================== WEEK 213, published April 13, 1997 Week 213: A Sin of the Times Unethical: Having your chief of staff put the arm on foreign nationals. Illegal: Having your chief of staff rob Mahmoud, clerk at a 7-Eleven. Unethical: Soliciting donations using a White House phone. Illegal: Pretending to be the pope while doing so. This Week's Contest was suggested by David Genser, of Vienna, who wins a tube of something from China that we think might be toothpaste. The only English word on it says 'Fairygourd." David points out that the White House and Congress have been preoccupied lately trying to distinguish campaign finance practices they've engaged in that are illegal from those that are merely unethical. Let's help them out. Submit campaign or other political practices that would be illegal and/or unethical. First-prize winner gets a slightly used "Kebab n' Grill," a huge chrome object that uses both an electric motor and a canister of charcoal to roast skewers of meat. ("Do not use indoors.") Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 213, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank John Kammer of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Do we owe you any prizes? Speak now, or forever be silent. For the next two weeks we will entertain and investigate complaints from people who contend we have stiffed them; send in a postcard with your name and address and what we owe you, specifying the week number of the contest or contests in question. Bear in mind that delivery takes up to eight weeks, so we don't want to hear about anything after Week 201. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 210, in which we asked for embarrassing While You Were Out telephone messages to leave on the desks of famous people. Third Runner-Up -- To: Kathie Lee Gifford Carlos says the kids didn't meet their quotas this week. You want we should bust some legs? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up -- To: Marshall Herff Applewhite April Fool! Hope you didn't fall for that old spaceship-behind-the-comet gag.(Dave Ferry, Leesburg) First Runner-Up -- To: Judith Martin No, up yours. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the Tannu Tuva globe -- To: President Clinton Your son called. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Honorable Mentions: To: Zsa Zsa Gabor Willard Scott just wanted to double-check that your birthday is tomorrow. (Joseph Romm, Washington) To: Bob Vila The handyman will be at your home between 8 and 10 a.m. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) To: McVeigh From: Nichols Found some old fertilizer receipts. Need them for your taxes? (Marc Lipman, Chantilly) To: Robin Givhan's mom D.C. General says your daughter will be fine, but they were shocked at the state of her underwear. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) To: Cal Ripken Jr. The pharmacy has your refill of amphetamines. (Joseph Romm, Washington) To: Lillian Vernon From: Your East Coast distributor Finished crapping up the merchandise. Ready to ship. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) To: Chelsea Clinton Your application to Strayer College has been accepted. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) To: Orenthal Simpson U-Stor-Mor in Islamabad called. Time to renew the rental on your unit. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) To: Al Gore From: Kenneth Starr Sorry, there is no such position as "Secret Assistant Special Prosecutor." (Russell Pittman, Takoma Park) To: Judith Martin The Guinness Book of Records did not accept your submission of longest continuous belch. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) To: George Bush Celebrity Impersonators Inc. wants to know when they should return your parachute. (Joseph Romm, Washington) To: Dr. Kevorkian The vet called to say please please let us put down Fluffy. She's suffering so. (David Genser, Vienna) To: Bill Clinton Yes, Mustang Ranch says it is wheelchair-accessible. (Tim Morgen, Laurel) To: David Twenhafel From: Al's Magic Shop. Your plastic dog poop and dribble glass are ready. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And Last: To: The Czar From: Washington Post Procurement Dept. Inventory asks when you're going to award the blow-up doll you purchased in Year 1. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Next Week: Dumb as The Post ====================================================================== WEEK 214, published April 20, 1997 Week 214: Ask Backwards IX This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are your answers. What are the questions? First-prize winner gets a translucent Martin Van Buren commemorative plate, a value of $20. A Fortnight in the Lincoln Bedroom Herff 'n' Herff Larry, Curly and Moses "Consensual sex" Between Fourth Graders Dogbert, But not Beau, the Seeing-eye Dog Tiger Woods's Nearest Competitor Alfred E. Gingrich A Traveling Phlebotomist A Janet Reno Pez Dispenser Rack and Pinion Toothpaste IRS 'Tax Browsers' Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 214, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Elden Carnahan of Laurel for today's Ear No One Reads. Do we owe you any prizes? Speak now, or forever be silent. For one more week we will entertain and investigate complaints from people who contend we have stiffed them; send in a postcard with your name and address and what we owe you, specifying the week number of the contest or contests in question. Bear in mind that delivery takes up to eight weeks, so we don't want to hear about anything after Week 202. Washington Post employees, and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 211, in which we asked you to design the back of the new Style Invitational T-shirt. This is the front. Fourth Runner-Up: It's a contest. Every Sunday in the Washington Post. Oh, about four or five years now. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Third Runner-Up: (Kate Renner, Rockville) Second Runner-Up: (John Kammer, Herndon; Dave Ferry, Leesburg; Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: (Katherine Lenard, Washington) And the winner of the crutches: Less Taste! Great Filling! (Craig Ulander, Mount Airy) Honorable Mentions: I'M WITH STUPID(Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Official Hale-Bopp Spaceship Crew. "Abandon Your Containers." (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Chuck 3:16 (Robin D. Grove, Columbia) I'm with "Why do you always enter that stupid contest?" (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.) (Robert D. German, Stafford, Va.) Inspected by WHO CARES IT'S MY LAST DAY PFFFT BITE ME (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Style Invitational: Ready, Fire, Aim! (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) The only thing worse than being a loser is being beat by a loser.) (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Heath Shuler is My Hero! (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) (Joseph Romm, Washington) Heir to the Porcelain Throne. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Ask me about my unsightly bulges. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) We're Number Two! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Bud . . . Wise . . . Ass. (John Kammer, Herndon) Next Week: Dumb as The Post ====================================================================== WEEK 215, published April 27, 1997 Week 215: Son of a Pitch 1. Blues. The harp cuts right through the rock and roll. Soars above the guitars. Slides into notes blue enough to make a sax shout. Listen, in a poor-boy t-shirt, blue as indigo, textured as the best of riffs 2. Memorable lines! Shakespeare, Shaw, W.C. Fields -- they all had them. So does this classic barn jacket This week's contest was suggested by Jennifer Hart of Arlington, who wins an iron-on Elvis tattoo. The above two paragraphs were taken verbatim from the Coldwater Creek catalogue, one of a number of highbrow, pseudo-literary mail order offerings filling our mailboxes with overheated non-descriptions of perfectly ordinary items. Item 1, above, is a blue T-shirt for $34. Item 2 is a stone-washed denim jacket for $ 98. Jennifer suggests that you write similar lavish blurbs in 50 words or fewer so some sucker will want to pay a lot of money for any of the following: a wadded-up Kleenex, a slice of leftover pizza, a dead goldfish, a Q-Tip, a urinal deodorant cake or the head gasket from a 1977 Chevy Nova. First-prize winner gets a gigantic, lead-weighted antique lapel button, apparently manufactured behind the Iron Curtain, that reads as follows: "Why did Russia send two men in space? So one would not land in the United States" We are pretty certain this was an attempt at humor. We think it is a joke about commies defecting to the West. But we are not sure. Anyway, it is unseemly to question the meaning of art. We think it is worth about $ 40. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 215, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park for today's Ear No One Reads and acknowledge that the "And Last" entry came from Tom Witte of Gaithersburg. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 212, in which we asked you to come up with stupid crimes. Several people suggested counterfeiting pennies, or blackmailing Ellen DeGeneres over her sexual orientation. Also, someone sent in a story from a suburban newspaper reporting that a man was recently arrested at the local Wal-Mart because he attempted to switch the price tags on two items to get a lower cost. He was caught at the checkout counter. He had allegedly removed a $1,700 tag from a home computer and replaced it with a tag from an item costing $ 10.95. Police said they searched him and found drugs. Seventh Runner-Up: Rustling British cattle. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) Sixth Runner-Up: Leaping onto the ice to steal the Stanley Cup from the winning team. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Fifth Runner-Up: Stealing moon rocks and selling them as pieces of the Berlin Wall.(Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Fourth Runner-Up: Lying about your address to get your kids into D.C. public schools. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Third Runner-Up: Altering the printed value on a Metro Farecard. (Allan Grady, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up: Successfully bailing out of a hijacked plane with hundreds of thousands dollars of ransom money and assuming a new identity, only to blow your cover years later by joking about it in a newspaper humor contest in the hopes of winning a T-shirt. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) First Runner-Up: Stealing LoJack systems. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie; John Kammer, Herndon) And the winner of the lapel pin: Zamboni-by shootings. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Getting back at your ex-wife by having her wake up and find your severed head in bed next to her. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Holding up a gun store with a knife. (Steven Liu, New Haven, Conn.) Stealing Dan Quayle's intellectual property. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) An extortion attempt that begins: "Dear Morton, today I found a live slug in a box of your salt ... " (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Breaking into a clinic to get drugs the Betty Ford clinic. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Standing up at the back of a crowded theater at Gallaudet University and signing "Fire!" (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Doing a smash-and-grab at the National Aquarium. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Kidnapping yourself for a large ransom. After you raise the money and pay yourself off, turn yourself in for the reward and that way, you get paid twice. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Trying to sell Jimmy "The Weasel" Fratianno "house insurance," cause it's a nice place he's got here, it'd be a real shame if it were to burn down. But accidents do happen. Ooops, like this ashtray, see what I mean? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Scalping tickets to a Sri Chinmoy concert. (Jessica Steinhice, Riverdale) Jaywalking at the Indy 500. (William F. Waters, Washington) Bribing Chicago Cubs players to throw games. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Pilfering hand-grenade pins. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Stealing the formula for making Zima malt beverage. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Threatening the homeless that if they don't do your bidding you will "ruin them." (Bill Szymanski, Vienna) Vandalizing a Jackson Pollock with spray paint. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Plagiarizing the Gettysburg Address. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Embezzling from the American Association of Certified Public Accountants. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Fishing without a license in the Anacostia. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Traveling under a stolen Salman Rushdie passport. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Breaking and entering Al Capone's vault. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Selling pirated Milli Vanilli tapes. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) And Last: Entering the Style Invitational under an obvious pseudonym. (W. Jefferson Clinton, Washington) Next Week: A Sin of the Times ====================================================================== WEEK 216, published May 4, 1997 Week 216: What Kind of Foal Am I? Breed Spanish Fighter with War Broth and name the foal Franco-American. Breed In Excessive Bull with Richter Scale and name the foal Rush Falls Down. Breed Tommy Capote with Truman C and name the foal Read My Lisp. Breed Emailit with Yeti and name the foal Bigfootaol.com. This Week's Contest is our third annual equine paradox. At the bottom of the page are the names of the 400-plus horses who have qualified for this year's Triple Crown races. Pair up any two and name their foal. Stick by the rules: a maximum of 18 characters, including spaces, per name. You may ignore the horses' genders, if you happen to know them. First-prize winner gets Trump: The Game, a vintage copy of the 1980s board game (Motto -- "It's Not Whether You Win or Lose, but Whether You Win") based upon the spectacularly acquisitive career of Donald Trump before he crashed and burned and was otherwise exposed as a bumbling loser. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 216, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 213, in which we asked you to differentiate acts that are illegal from those that are merely unethical. One example we gave was that it was unethical to fund-raise from the White House, but that it would be illegal to do it while pretending to be the pope. We wanted you to limit your answers to acts of political and/or fund-raising high jinks, but were apparently insufficiently precise on the subject. Therefore, we accepted a broader range of entries. Any readers who followed the rules and feel cheated are urged to lodge their protest by going back in time and becoming contestants on "Queen for a Day," disclosing their pain, and possibly winning an Amana frost-free refrigerator. Third Runner-Up -- Unethical: Using the influence of your government position to find a job for Web Hubbell. Illegal: Creating the position of "Minister of Embezzlement" for him. (Dave R. Cervantes, Reston) Second Runner-Up -- Illegal: Having dead guys vote. Unethical: Using dead guys as HOV-lane passengers. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) First Runner-Up -- It may be okay to accept a deferred loan from Bob Dole to pay your fine, and it may be unethical to take the money from your campaign fund to pay your fine, but it is definitely illegal to raise the money by poaching giraffes. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) And the winner of the gigantic rotisserie: Unethical: Spitting in an umpire's face and blaming it on the death of his child. Illegal: Spitting on the sidewalk. (Bill Moulden, Frederick) Honorable Mentions: Unethical: Soliciting campaign donations from the White House. Illegal: Soliciting from the White House.(Dave Ferry, Leesburg; Noah Meyerson, Cambridge, Mass.) Unethical: Using official helicopters to go golfing. Illegal: Using Navy Seals to retrieve lost balls. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Unethical: Postal workers wasting time on the job. Illegal: Postal workers wasting people on the job. (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington) Unethical: Borrowing money to pay a fine. Illegal: "Borrowing" money to "pay" a fine. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Unethical: Diverting money to your campaign from the sale of Girl Scout cookies. Illegal: Diverting money to your campaign from the sale of Girl Scouts. (Jason Walther, Gaithersburg; David Salzman, Chevy Chase) Unethical: A federal employee hires his mistress. Illegal: A federal employee hires his wife. (Melissa Yorks and Joe Bangiolo, Washington) Unethical: Charging kids to enter the White House Easter Egg roll. Illegal: Assigning the kids numbers and setting up a betting booth. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And Last: Unethical: Plagiarism. Illegal: Pretending to be the pope while doing so. (Michael Golden, Puyallup, Wash.) Next Week: Ask Backwards IX Accelerator; Acceptable; Act of Defiance; Activist; Admiral Indy; Adverse; Affair with Peaches; After the Fable; Air Cool; Air Power; Ajina; Alamocitos; All American Steve; All Chatter; All Saints; Always my Place; American Champ; American Pace; Andiron; Anet; Armed Escort; Arthur L; Astral Wood; Babalover; Bagshot; Balanced Budget; Balcony; Bald Ridge; Batoile; Battle Mountain; Behrens; Benji; Best Effort; Big Find; Big n' Bold; Big River; Big Vig; Billingsly; Blade Ae; Blazing Sword; Bolero Boy; Boston Harbor; Brassy and Sunny; Brave Act; Brave Tender; Brewmaster; Brite Commander; Brolly; Buck Ridge; Bullet Valay; Can't Hurry Love; Captain Bodgit; Captain Easy; Capture the Gold; Carmen's Baby; Casey Tibbs; Cash Deposit; Catty King; Cedar Falls; Celtic Warrior; Champagne Pay Day; Classeana; Classic Credential; Colonial Mate; Concerto; Confide; Constant Demand; Construction; Cool Mill; Country Rainbow; Crafty One; Creditor; Crimson Classic; Cromwell; Crown Ambassador; Crypto Star; Cryptocloser; Cryptomystic; Cryptoo; D'Nang; Dan's Promise; Danzatame; Daylight in Dubai; De Casperis; Deeds Not Words; Deputy Commander; Deputy Lake; Desert Cafe; Diabolus; Dipiperon; Direct Hit; Dixie Draw; Don Gato; Double Naught Spy; Dr. Best; Dr. Spine; Droopy Stone; Dubai Dust; Dusty Boy; Dynamite Flash; Early Release; Earth Star; Easy Climb; Effect; El Gris; El Joven; Emailit; Encryption; Erv; Esteemed Friend; Excellent Secret; Facinatin Fred; Falkenham; Family Calling; Famously Free; Faux Art; Felix the Cat; Ferrocarril; Flew the City; Flying with Eagles; Fourth and Six; Free House; Friskmenow; Funontherun; Futuro Prospect; Get Smart Ghost Ranch; Glitter and Gold; Glitter Woman; Gold Book; Gold Tribute; Golden Music; Gone Hollywood; Gone Zilla; Graffiti; Greed is Good; Greed; Gretel's Hero; Grey West; Gun Fight; Gutsy Move; Hail the Hero; Hamilton Creek; Harbour Patrol; Harmonica Man; Haute My; Hawks Landing; Hell Bent; Hello; Hex; Hismajestyscolors; Holzmeister; Honey's Whisper; Hoop It Up; Hornbeam; Hot Porridge; Hoxie; Hunt for Kris; Hurry the Dance; Imgreektoo; In CC's Honor; In Excessive Bull; Inexcessivelygood; Irish Silence; It's Coole; Jack at the Bank; Jack Flash; Joliet Jake; Jolly Sixpence; Jorshawn; Joshua Dancer; Jules; Just About; Just Dixie; Just for a Minute; Kearsarge; Keep it Strait; Kelly Kip; King Crimson; King of Swing; Knee High in Wheat; Laser Loop; Las Vegas Ernie; Lasting Approval; Lavender; Leestown; Leo the Great; Letterhead; Liberty Gold; Littlebitlively; Love View; Magical Series; Majesticperfection; Man of his Word; Mantovani; Master Marshal; McDowell's Run; Michellesallhands; Milliondollardana; Mining Surprise; Mister Mighty Mack; Miswaki Bandit; Mr. Sweeney; Mo's My Man; Monk's Corner; Mr. Answer Man; Mud Route; Mzuri; Nevada Gold; Night in Reno; Ox's Ice; Oakhurst; Oak Level; One Fast Flight; Open Forum; Ordway; Our Irish Beau; Pacificbounty; Pagnini; Pale Halo; Partner's Hero; Peace Quest; Peace and Plenty; Peary Mason; Pennant Flag; Photarc; Pioneer Spirit; Pitkin County; Plenty of Pie; Pourmeacoolone; Powerful Goer; Prairie Junction; Precocity; President's Decree; Prime Time Actor; Prince Guistino; Private Joe; Profound Secret; Prometheus Unbound; Proud and True; Proudly We Hail; P.T. Indy; Pulpit; Quiet Minstrel; Radio Flyer; Raisor's Edge; Raw New; Real Star; Rebridled; Red; Red Jade; Red Rahy; Red Ranger; Regal Chant; Renteria; Repeat; Richter Scale; Rimsky Korsakov; Risen' Shine; River Squall; Riversong; Robynhood; Rojo Dinero; Roll Again; Royal Albert Hall; Royal Aty; Royal Concord; Royal Strand; Royal Timber; Running Stag; Ryan's Snowman; Ryn Tyn Tyn; Sahm; Sam's Place; Sarasota Slew; Say Florida Sandy; Say Uncle; Sea Ripple; Sentinal Paradice ; Shamikh; Shammy Davis; Shamrock Lad; Sharp Cat; Sharpsire; Shawaf; Shoot the Works; Silver Charm; Silver Sage; Six Four Kilo; Ski Pro; Skip Out First; Skippin Stoned; Slewp'a Doop; Smiling n' Singing; Smoke Glacken; Smokin Mel; Snow Birdie; So Ho Beau; Social Pillar; Social Promotion; Sovereign Storm; Spanish Fighter; Spindletop; Spy Hawk; Stage Affair; Standing on Edge; Star Actor; Star of Halo; Steel Ruhlr; Stolen Gold; Stop Watch; Storm Song; Stormin Fever; Stormscope; Stormy Cloud; Strategic Defense; Stroke; Succeed; Sunbeam Dance; Super Glide; Surely a Devil; Svenska; Swagger; Swiss Yodeler; Sydneytwothousand; T V King; Table Stakes; Take the Wind; Tale of the Cat; Taliesin; Tansit; Teamwork; Tejano Couture; Testafly; Thatsusintheolbean; The Boston Kid; The Silver Move; The Toy Man; Thisnearlywasmine; Thunder Reef; Tiberon; Time and Time; Time to Gamble; Tommy Capote; Touch Gold; Tough Call; Tracker; Trafalger; Traigo de Todo; Traitor; Trancus; Traufast Slew; Tres Shiek; Tricky; Trophy Hunter; Tru Story; Truman C; Twin Spires; Unexpected Gift; Unites Big Red; Valadour; Valid Show; Ventry; Vermilion; Very Classic; War Broth; Warmonger; Weather; What a Claim; What a Copelan; Wheatly Nation; White Bronco; White Hot; Wild Rush; Wild Tempest; Wild Tempo; Wild Wonder; Willing Jolie; Wrightwood; Y'all Can; Yeti; You Know How It Is; Young at Heart; Zede. ====================================================================== WEEK 217, published May 11, 1997 Week 217: NO QUESTION ABOUT IT If there is a God, and if He is a loving God, why does He allow bad things to happen, like, you know, when you hiccup that sour stuff and it tastes all yucky? Why is the sky sort of greenish orange, or is that just me? What is the sound of two hands clapping? This Week's Contest was suggested by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park, who wins a rubber housefly that swells to the size of a baseball when you drop it in water. Jonathan says his teachers always told him there were no stupid questions, but he suspects this advice was wrong. Come up with truly stupid questions. And please spare us the ones about Grant's Tomb and why you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway, okay? We are looking for originality. First-prize winner gets one of our all-time great prizes, a pink latex doctors' demonstration model of the prostate gland. It has a realistic feel, showing one normal prostate and five diseased ones (the worst being the gland with a "massive neoplastic involvement" -- it feels like a beanbag filled with molars and candy corn). We think it is worth $75. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 217, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 214, in which we asked you to write "Jeopardy!" questions for any of a dozen answers we supplied. Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Dogbert, but not Beau, the Seeing Eye dog Question: Who are you more likely to spot in Borders? (Laurie Burdett, Alexandria) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco Question: What is a good example of Pinot Gigolo? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco Question: What wine goes best with spring chicken? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up -- Answer: Larry, Curly and Moses Question: In the Bible, who are the Three Wise Guys? (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) And the winner of the Martin Van Buren commemorative plate: Answer: A Janet Reno Pez dispenser Question: What is the slang name for an FBI service revolver? (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: Answer: "Consensual sex" between fourth-graders What is the motivation to pass third grade in D.C.? (Penny Dash, Bethesda) What does the tobacco industry contend is solely responsible for the rise in smoking among the country's youth? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What was the third of Marion Barry's 1994 campaign promises, after "a gun in every hand" and "a chicken in every pothole"? (Sean M. McVeigh, Gaithersburg) What really makes your own "dry spell" seem worse when you hear about it?(Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Answer: A fortnight in the Lincoln Bedroom What is the traditional punishment for presidents who forget their anniversaries? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Answer: IRS "tax browsers" Who can just bite me, okay? (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Answer: Herff n' Herff What is the main ingredient in a White Russian roulette? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) The signature gag of what vaudeville team was "I just flew in from Saturn, and boy, is my fleshly container tired!" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Answer: Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco What is the house wine at Nunzio's Taste of Newark? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) What is called the "date rape" wine? (David Rauma, Bowie) What is the perfect chaser for a Long Island Iced Teen? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Answer: A traveling phlebotomist How did O.J. explain the bloody glove? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia; Steve Fahey, Kensington) Answer: Tiger Woods's nearest competitor Who is reported to be signing a multi-hundred-dollar Nike contract? (Laurie Burdett, Alexandria) Who is less famous than any member of the Supreme Court? (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Who probably should just try wearing a dress and hitting from the red tees? (David Genser, Arlington) Answer: Larry, Curly and Moses Name three guys who are not funny. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) Who would be funnier than Larry, Shemp and Moses? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Answer: Rack and Pinion toothpaste What has been shown to be an effective decay-preventive dentifrice that can be of significant value when used in a conscientiously applied program of dental hygiene and conversion of rotary motion into rectilinear motion by means of a gear acting on a toothed bar? (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring) What is the worst invention since intermittent deodorant? (Tommy Litz, Bowie) What do they use to clean the Jaws of Life? (Laurie Burdett, Alexandria) Answer: A Janet Reno Pez dispenser. What repeats over and over that there is simply no justification for giving out candy "at this time"? (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) What prop do elementary school teachers use to teach kids not to take candy from strangers? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Answer: Dogbert, but not Beau, the Seeing Eye dog Whose poop does not stink? (Douglas Bailey, Vernon, N.Y.) Next Week: Son of a Pitch ====================================================================== WEEK 218, published May 18, 1997 Week 218: Calling the Toon This Week's Contest: Who are these people? What are they doing? Explain one, or more than one. First-prize winner gets a rare, 1960s-era set of salt and pepper shakers featuring a likeness of John F. Kennedy (salt) seated on his rocking chair (pepper), a valuable antique from the famed Annie Groer collection of astonishing crap. It is worth $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 218, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 215, in which you were asked to come up with pretentious, idiotic J. Peterman-style pricey catalogue blurbs to sucker people into buying one of six items: a dead goldfish, a slice of leftover pizza, a Q-Tip, a urinal deodorant cake, a wadded-up Kleenex or a head gasket for a 1977 Chevy Nova. Third Runner-Up -- Here's a Tip. A Q-tip. This classic, simple design, like the 17th letter of the alphabet to which it pays homage, needs U ... (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up -- Don't run out of gasket -- A long long time ago, I can still remember when I drove a Nova that had style. And I knew that if I had the chance, I could do my own maintenance, and maybe keep on driving for a while ... (Russell Beland, Springfield) First Runner-Up -- Pith. The Algonquin Round Table had it in buckets. Too bad they didn't have our wickedly clever urinal deodorant cake to aim it at. They could have used one. Except for Dorothy Parker. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of the Russian Lapel Button: A Pizza Pi. In 528 B.C. Pythagoras proved that the sum of the squares of the sides is equal to the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle. Let us prove that the right triangle for you is this Epicurean delight ... (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Honorable Mentions: To be or not to be. Heck of a question. Doesn't even have a question mark. Go figure. Like our wadded-up Kleenex. Heck of a tissue. No question. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Probably, when Marie Antoinette said this in 1789, she did not have our urinal deodorant cakes in mind -- but she could have. They're non-toxic. So let them eat cake. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Sartre. De Beauvoir. Camus. Rimbaud. Absinthe. Gauloises. Dead goldfish. Size: Small. Color: Gold. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan and Khaled Ibn-al-Walid all favored this spare but unyielding shape, a shaft terminating in a tear-drop. They used it to batter down the gates of ancient citadels in an era of adventure and romance. Q-Tips, styled after the Grand Khan's battering ram (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) You should've wondered about Vinnie. Maybe he's taking too big a cut. Maybe you should send him a message. Maybe one morning he'll wake up face to face with our dead goldfish. Maybe you should get two. (You've wondered about Morrie ) (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Friends, Romans, countrymen, let me clean your ears (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Through the door after a hard day's work and -- what's this? A gourmet meal on the table, a crystal vase full of roses, and your loved one enfolds you saying, "You make my life worth living. Suddenly, you are breathless, like our genuine dead goldfish (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Dames. They're a mystery inside an enigma wrapped in a wadded-up Kleenex. Hmm . . . Now that's something you can unravel. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) A fish. A gold fish. How did it die? Did someone love it too much? (Russell Beland, Springfield) They laughed at you. They said you were mad. The fools. You'll show them mad. You've got a head gasket from a 1977 Chevy Nova. Now who's mad? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) A tisket, a tasket, an all-American gasket. If Ella Fitzgerald were alive today, no doubt she'd be singing the praises of this classic relic of automotive Americana. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Urinal cake -- It has had a worm's-eye view of more genitalia than all but the most active Hollywood celebs. If only this beauty could talk! (Vance Greer, Sterling) You just flew in from Cleveland. Your arms are tired. Like this joke. Stale. Our timeless urinal deodorant cake never goes stale. Change often. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Life sucks. Your boss is a moron. You're 20 pounds overweight. Your car payment is late. Gain perspective with a dead goldfish. He's dead. You're not. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Next Week: What Kind of Foal Am I? ====================================================================== WEEK 219, published May 25, 1997 Week 219: Verbosity "So do you think Dole would have won if he had Newted more?" "Let's meet in the morning and bagel on it." "I suggest you Zippo the Jacobsen file before the SEC gets a hold of it." "Listen, Rita, tell Mark I'll be chaising here till three-ish." "The subway car was full, but he lowered his head and New Yorked his way on." This Week's Contest was suggested by the Rev. David K. Delaney, a Lutheran minister from Roanoke.He wins a photograph of an elephant pooping. David is fed up with the Washington-influenced trend of creating verbs out of nouns -- to "Bork," to "broker," to "impact," to "network," etc. David is particularly distressed with the new Kinko's slogan: "Kinko's -- The New Way to Office." He suggests that you come up with a new, even more obnoxious, self-conscious faux verb and use it in a sentence. First prize winner gets an incredible Rosalynn Carter transparent-glob paperweight, circa 1977. It is worth $37. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 219, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 216, in which we printed the names of all 400 horses qualifying for this year's Triple Crown races, and asked you to pair them up and name their foal. But first, from the mail bag, a letter from Phil Frankenfeld of Washington, who sent us a clipping from an Associated Press story that the superstar racehorse Cigar had failed to impregnate any mares. Phil appended a note. "Sometimes," he wrote dryly, "a cigar is just a cigar." As always, this contest produced 15,000-plus entries, including more than 400 from Mary Lee Fox Roe of Mount Kisco, N.Y. Mount Kisco is apparently the home of the world-renowned Roe Clinic for Treatment of Obsessive-Compulsive Obsessive-Compulsive Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders. Seventh Runner-Up -- Breed White Bronco with Rimsky Korsakov and name the foal Bumbling Flight.(J. Neil Killalea, Falls Church) Sixth Runner-Up -- Breed Unexpected Gift with Wrightwood and name the foal SoWouldNewt. (Jack Shreve, Kensington) Fifth Runner-Up -- Breed Richter Scale with Hot Porridge and name the foal Quaker Oats. (Joseph Romm, Washington; Russ Beland, Springfield) Fourth Runner-Up -- Breed Jack at the Bank with Thisnearlywasmine and name the foal Marlene Got Jack. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Third Runner-Up -- Breed Ghost Ranch with Tale of the Cat and name the foal Boo Hiss. (Kim Martin, Ebensburg, Pa.) Second Runner-Up -- Breed Emailit with Imgreektoo and name the foal Imgeektoo. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) First Runner-Up -- Breed The Toy Man with Hail the Hero and name the foal F.A.O. Schwartzkopf. (Susan Reese, Arlington) And the winner of the Donald Trump game: Breed Yeti with White Bronco and name the foal Abominable Slowman. (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.) Honorable Mentions: Breed Traitor with Fly With Eagles and name the foal Ostrich Ames. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Breed Hail the Hero with The King of Swing and name the foal Hail Bop. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Breed Jack Flash with Repeat and name the foal Gas Gas Gas. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Breed Wild Wonder with Twin Spires and name the foal WonderBra. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Breed Pourmeacoldone with Repeat and name the foal Callmeacab. (Greg Arnold, Herndon; Andrew C. Boothby, Richmond) Breed Excellent Secret with Ordway and name the foal Pig Latin. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Breed Traigo de Todo with Funontherun and name the foal Run Todo Run. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Breed Knee Hi in Wheat with Hoop It Up and name the foal Crop Circles. (Connie P. Turner, Sun City, Ariz.) Breed In CC's Honor with Dr. Spine and name the foal Epidural. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Breed Keep It Strait with Take a Gamble and name the foal Inside Strait. (Ken Stanghagen, Washington) Breed Jack Flash with Testafly and name the foal Jack the Zipper. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Breed Balcony with Joliet Jake and name the foal Romeo and Joliet. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Breed Take the Wind with Thatsusintheolbean and name the foal Downwind Please. (Ward Thomas, Burtonsville) Breed Twin Spires with Early Release and name the foal Dolly Pardon. (Alex Neill, Washington) Breed Get Smart with Thatsusintheolbean and name the foal MaxwellHouseCoffee. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Breed Shammy Davis with Hero's Partner and name the foal Frank Shinatra. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Breed White Hot with Affair With Peaches and name the foal Warm and Fuzzy. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Breed Act of Defiance with Snow Birdie and name the foal Flip the Birdie. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Breed Creditor with Capture the Gold and name the foal CapturetheGoldCard. (John Kammer, Herndon) Breed Glitter Woman with Willing Jolie and name the foal Zsa Zsa. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Breed Easy Climb with Mantovani and name the foal Elevator Music (Michael J. Hammer, Washington; Susan Reese, Arlington) Breed Fourth and Six with What a Claim and name the foal Consensual Sex. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Breed Billingsly with Blade Ae and name the foal Mrs. Cleaver. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Breed Monk's Corner with Gun Fight and name the foal Thelonious Assault. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Breed Jules with Surely a Devil and name the foal La Verne n Surely. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Breed Just About with Hello and name the foal Hell. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Breed Spanish Fighter with Fourth and Six and name the foal Punts De Leon. (Russ Horner, Arlington) Breed Presidents Decree with Testafly and name the foal PaulasGotaCase (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Breed Pitkin County with Y'All Can and name the foal Marry Yer Sister. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Next Week: Ask a Stupid Question ====================================================================== WEEK 220, published June 1, 1997 Week 220: RSVP This Week's Contest was suggested by Dan Chaney of Clinton, who wins "Potty Animal," a tape of potty-training songs. Dan proposes that you provide an answer to any of the dumb questions from Week 217, listed below. You may choose the winner, or any of the runners-up or honorable mentions. First-prize winner gets a vintage 1991 Beldar Conehead doll, a value of $20. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 220, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 217, in which you were asked to disprove the old maxim that there are no dumb questions. Despite our warning to the contrary, many people submitted tired old jokes, and some tired new jokes, such as why people call those things "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids." Also, some people asked good questions that were too clever to win, such as this one by Bob Sorensen of Herndon: "Wasn't the Army looking for trouble by calling them 'drill' instructors?" Here's another, from John Kammer of Herndon: "Why could the Professor build a nuclear reactor out of coconuts but not fix a hole in a boat?" These violated the fundamental precept of the contest. The questions had to be stupid. Sixth Runner-Up -- Excuse me, does this pharmacy carry that "date rape" drug? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Fifth Runner-Up -- Why do people drive so close in front of me? Don't they realize it's dangerous? (Jerry Ewing, Fairfax) Fourth Runner-Up -- Just where do you get off telling me what to do, Your Honor? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Third Runner-Up -- Do I, like, have a shot at boinking you? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up -- Are you sure that's a spaceship behind the comet? Because I wouldn't want to make a mistake here. Okay, swell. Just checking. (Paul Styrene, Olney; John Kammer, Herndon) First Runner-Up -- If you are not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) And the winner of the demonstration-model prostate gland: If I win this week, can I have the $75 instead of the prostate gland? (Edith Eisenberg, Potomac) Honorable Mentions: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if he had a Stanley gasoline-powered wood chucker? (John Kammer, Herndon) Where do I file a formal threat against the president? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) You know when you check off on your taxes to pay for the presidential campaign and they say it won't cost you anything? Well, why can't they do that and get rid of the whole budget deficit in one fell swoop? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) What color codpiece do you think goes with this outfit? (Roy Ashley, Washington) Why doesn't it tickle when I tickle myself, but it hurts when I stick a fork in my eye? (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Did people in the olden days realize what fuddy-duddies they were? (Andy Spitzler, Baltimore) Is there a separate schedule for listing embezzlement income? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) How many rejection letters do you think Chelsea got from colleges? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) dOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THIS "cAPS lOCK" BUTTON ON MY KEYBOARD IS FOR? (gRANT mARTIN, eLDERSBURG) What do they do with the candy cobs? (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Doesn't it count that I was thinking of you the whole time? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Tell me, am I gullible, Lady Fortuna? (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Is there a Starbucks around here? (Nancy Funkhouser, Alexandria) Why did you sit down if the seat was up? (Joe Ponessa, Philadelphia) Are Ice-T and Ice Cube related? (Don Frese, Baltimore) Format C: drive? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) If Kevorkian is such a great doctor, how come his patients keep dying? (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington) Why do college students abandon their educations and leave school early to sign multimillion-dollar contracts to play professional basketball? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What does the A in UVA stand for? (Jan Verrey, Alexandria) I know who killed Nicole Simpson. But who killed Ron Goldman? (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) War, what is it good for? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Are those people I see every day in Lafayette Square appointees awaiting Senate confirmation? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Does this crack come with a money-back guarantee? (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.) Do you think Mike Nesmith might replace John if the money was right? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If a hole in the street is a manhole, is a hole in a man a streethole? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And Last: Why should we spare you the questions about who is buried in Grant's Tomb and why you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? (Hank Wallace, Washington) Next Week: Calling the Toon ====================================================================== WEEK 221, published June 8, 1997 Week 221: SONG SUNG BROWN James Brown: "I feel well / Isn't that swell, now" Eric Clapton: "I shot the sheriff / But I did not shoot JFK" Walt Disney: "M-I-C ... K-E-Y ... M-O-W-S-E." Don McLean: "Bye bye Miss American cake / Drove my Taurus to the forest but the forest was fake" This Week's Contest: Bad first drafts of famous lyrics. This was suggested by Sandra Hull of Arlington. Sandra wins a vintage, pus-colored 1965 pennant celebrating the splendors of the Connecticut Turnpike. Sandra points out that Paul McCartney recently revealed that the original opening lyric to "With a Little Help From My Friends" was "What would you do if I sang out of tune / Would you throw a tomato at me?" We don't know about you, but we think this may be a better lyric than the one the Beatles went with. Still, you get the idea. Pick any song, pick a well-known line, and give us the discarded first draft. If it is part of a rhyme, you must retain the rhyme. First-prize winner gets a 1991 Church Lady doll, a value of $20. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 221, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 218, in which we invited you to tell us what was going on in these cartoons. * Fourth Runner-Up(Cartoon E) Never send an extremely large greeting card that says "Sorry to hear about your hernia operation." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Third Runner-Up -- (Cartoon C) Supermodel Kate Moss, aware that she has gained a pound or two, wonders if she really needs all 10 of her fingers. (David Genser, Vienna) * Second Runner-Up -- (Cartoon B) Fuzzy Zoeller with a takeout order of humble pie or whatever the hell his kind of people eat. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) * First Runner-Up -- (Cartoon B) The Air Force brass misunderstood what Kelly Flinn wanted when she requested a general discharge. (Cynthia Coe and Ray Aragon, Bethesda) * And the winner of the JFK salt shaker: (Cartoon D) Frank knew he was in trouble. He should have challenged the vacuum cleaner. The vacuum cleaner sucked at chess. (Dave Yourell, Odenton) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: Reassigned to a new command, Kelly Flinn finds it a step down from a B-52 to the Merrimack. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Due to downsizing, many corporate parties now feature women jumping out of cupcakes. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Cartoon B: Struggling to balance career and family, Jim started bringing home the crap he took at work for use on his wife's vegetable garden. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Bob loved the all-you-can-eat communion. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Hazards of overfeeding your pet rock. (Alice and Andy Klages, College Park) Clumping cat litter should be changed more than once a year. (Paul Styrene, Olney) A stupid reporter returns to The Post after being told to get "the biggest scoop" he could find. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) The store was out of Shinola, but Kevin figured this was the same thing. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cartoon C: WASPs never really get the hang of rude Italian gestures. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) With the new Evelyn Wood super-speed-reading course, you don't even need books! (Ed Mickolus, Dunn Loring) Anne holds her husband's gift from Victoria's Secret. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cartoon D: Whatever the outcome of this long-anticipated match, the loser will be toast. (David Lewis, Springfield) "I agree, it's impressive," he said to the salesman, "but my original question still stands. Can it make toast?" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Garry Kasparov learns to relax by visualizing Deep Blue in its underwear. (Laird Hart, Takoma Park) Cartoon E: Yet another would-be Don Quixote misconstrues the meaning of "tilting at windmills." (Cynthia Coe and Ray Aragon, Bethesda) And Last: Frustrated by his lack of exposure, Bob Staake's comic creations would often sneak over to the Post comics pages and resort to 'panel tipping.' (John Powers, Annapolis) Next Week: Verbosity ====================================================================== WEEK 222, published June 15, 1997 Week 222: TRIP DEUCES Pest-Pet -- n. a domesticated insect, usu. a poor companion. "I don't know what to do with my pest-pet, Larry the anthrax bacillus. He keeps killing the cats." Publishers-Pumps -- n. Secret hydraulic devices used by newspapers to insert "hype" into stories. Golf-Gourmet -- adj., Disparaging term used to describe food that can give you a "stroke": French fries, butter pastries, etc. Gymnastics-Hair -- n. a short, perky coif affixed with mucilage. It can hold its shape after acrobatics, calisthenics, a 25-megaton nuclear strike, etc. This Week's Contest was suggested by Tina Gibson of Fairfax, who wins a lollipop containing an embedded larval insect. ("Ingredients: Hydrogenated starch, artificial flavoring and coloring, may contain one or more of the following: Cricket, larva, asparagus fern, grass.") Tina suggests that you take the two subject listings at the top of any page of the Yellow Pages and create a dictionary definition for the compound word they form. You may use it in a sentence, but you don't have to. The examples above are from the 1997 Bell Atlantic Yellow Pages for Northern Virginia and the District of Columbia. We will need to verify the listings; please indicate which book your entries come from. First-prize winner gets a Betty Boop clock and calendar, a value of $35. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 222, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna and Steve Knack of Bethesda for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 219, in which we asked you to create verbs out of nouns, or, as several people put it, "to verb some nouns." This egregious linguistic trend is all around us, and many readers sent in recent sightings. The best was from Robin Perry Allen of Arlington, who heard this on a United Airlines flight: "Thanks for your patience. After the captain has turned off the seat belt sign, we will begin beveraging." Third Runner-Up -- Some men would like to die playing golf. Others would like to Rockefeller. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Second Runner-Up -- Within weeks, the epidemic had Starbucked to every village in the province.(David Genser, Arlington) First Runner-Up -- So desperate was Jonathan to see his name in print that he attempted to edible underpants his way into the contest. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of the Rosalynn Carter paperweight: I, William Jefferson Clinton, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully president the United States. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: Friends, Romans, countrymen, ear me. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Piano it again, Sam. (Nancy Manuszak, Washington) The Bullets Capitaled in the playoffs this year. (Gregory Dunn and Karen Wright, Alexandria) She carpal tunneled herself right out of work. (Russ Beland, Springfield) So excited were the Heaven's Gate people over the coming of Hale-Bopp that they Plathed out. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Hey, Pa, I think I done Internetted me a girlfriend! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Have you seen the new toilet? Please feel free to cheek it out. (Russ Beland, Springfield) I had great seats for the concert until some guy sat down and Muresaned me. (David Genser, Arlington) Milk: It goods a body. (Russ Beland, Springfield) I'm sorry, sir, but this bank can't just Dole out money to anyone. (David Genser, Arlington) She goes into the bathroom to Di her dinner because she is so afraid she will Fergie out. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Smedley Funeral Home -- The New Way to Coffin. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Pssst, need a fake ID that can Zsa Zsa a few years off your age? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) The cops looked everywhere, but the guy had simply Waldholtzed. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Wow, you don't see many nuns penguin anymore. (Russ Beland, Springfield) I'm afraid Marv Albert may have Pee-weed his career. (Joseph Romm, Washington) We caught a cab and potholed across town. (David Geoffry Lewis, Alexandria) After being in meetings all day, I really need to Garbo. (Russ Beland, Springfield) He upscaled. He quit lobbying and started foyering. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) It used to be a good restaurant, but they radicchioed the menu and doubled the prices. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) And Last: I told a poop joke and some guy Twenhafeled me. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Next Week: RSVP ====================================================================== WEEK 223, published June 22, 1997 Week 223: Attempting Reentry Answer: Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco. Question: What drink is often followed by a shot? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco. Question: What wine comes with a Flavor Straw? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Larry, Curly and Moses. Question: Who are three circumcised guys? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) This Week's Contest was suggested by Chuck Smith of Woodbridge. Chuck doesn't know he suggested it, but he did. Chuck ordinarily does not deign to suggest contests. It would be beneath him; it would be like Paul Prudhomme whipping up some Rice Krispies treats. However, the other day we looked behind a cabinet here in the Style Invitational treehouse, and we found a piece of paper. It was a lost entry by Chuck Smith, from the Week 215 Jeopardy! contest. We had never read it. It included the splendid answers above. This persuaded us it was time to run our second reentry contest. This contest supposes that we never see some of the best ideas you have: that they occur to you after the deadline has passed, or after the results are published. So, this week's rules: You may submit entries to any past contest, so long as you never submitted them before. First-prize winner gets a piggy bank made out of a can of Spam obtained in Korea: One side is printed in English, one in Korean. This has a value of $20. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 223, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Dave Curtis of Ijamsville for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 220, in which we asked you to answer any of the winning Dumb Questions from Week 117. Many people said that the "A" in UVA stands for "alcohol." To the question "What do they do with the candy cobs?," many people said they are used in "gingerbread outhouses." -- Third Runner-Up: Are you sure that is a UFO behind the comet? Have I ever steered you wrong? I mean, besides that castration thing. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) -- Second Runner-Up: Do you think Mike Nesmith might replace John if the money was right? I dunno. How much money do you think it would take to get him into the casket? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) -- First Runner-Up: Excuse me, does this pharmacy carry that "date rape" drug? Yes sir, we have a new improved version. It is this watermelon-size suppository. The man takes it. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) -- And the winner of the Beldar Conehead doll: Are Ice-T and Ice Cube related? Actually, they are married. But I hear it is on the rocks. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) -- Honorable Mentions: What does the "A" in UVA stand for? Well, the U is for University, so the V must be for "of" and the A for Virginia. It's in Latin. (Russ Beland, Springfield) It doesn't stand for anything. It is just an old trick to get your name in the phone book before your competitors. This way they show up before the University of the Virgin Islands. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Do you think Mike Nesmith might replace John if the money was right? Oh, sure. Like he's gonna desecrate "Last Train to Clarksville" with a move like that. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) How much can Mike afford? (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Why doesn't it tickle when I tickle myself, but it hurts when I stick a fork in my eye? You are obviously using the wrong fork. (Judith Martin, Washington; J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.) Did people in the olden days realize what fuddy-duddies they were? No. They were too busy chasing the whippersnappers off their front lawns. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Does this crack come with a money-back guarantee? C'mon lady, I'm a married man. I'm just tryin' to fix your sink trap here. (Peyton Coyner, Afton) Are Ice-T and Ice Cube related? I think you've got them confused with Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) No, but they come from the same block. (David J. Sherer, Chevy Chase) Do I, like, have a shot at boinking you? Sorry, I don't believe in mating outside my species. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) No, I am saving myself for Tom Witte of the Style Invitational. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) If a hole in the street is a manhole, is a hole in a man a streethole? Yes, and I wish streetholes like you would stop asking if they have a shot at boinking me. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) How many rejection letters from colleges do you think Chelsea got? UNLV turned her down because she was under 6 feet 8. (David Genser, Arlington) If Kevorkian is such a great doctor, how come his patients keep dying? That's not true! They only die once! (Bob Garber, Fredericksburg; Don and Josh Juran, Rockville) Excuse me, does this pharmacy carry that "date rape" drug? No, but if you look in the liquor aisle, you will find some generics. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Doesn't it count that I was thinking of you the whole time? No, it doesn't, Pee-wee. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Why should we spare you the questions about who is buried in Grant's Tomb and why you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? Because the Czar has the greatest sense of humor in the world, and presides over the last true meritocracy. His time is not to be wasted with unoriginal spewings from lazy minds, except for the old "Why are animals made of meat?" question that has been banging around the Internet and that Dave Ferry slipped past him. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Next Week: SONG SUNG BROWN ====================================================================== WEEK 224, published June 29, 1997 Week 224: Drawing Conclusions This week's contest: What is wrong with these pictures? Choose one, or more than one. First-prize winner gets a magnificent, antique poster-size official White House photograph of Pat Nixon, taken during her initial trip to China in February 1972. Pat's hair is coiffed in a beehive the approximate dimensions and aerial buoyancy of a Japanese paper lantern, and she is staring with ill-concealed revulsion at a plate of food that appears to consist of mouse fetuses in lobster sauce. This was donated to The Style Invitational by Shirley S. Duvall of Upper Marlboro, who wins a banana slicer. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 224, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print is pretty tired of thanking people for their Ears. What kind of a job is this? I might as well be emptying the porta-potties at construction sites. Jennifer Hart of Arlington, okay? Big honking deal. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 221, in which you were asked to come up with justifiably discarded first drafts of lines from famous songs. We had more than 20,000 entries, fully half of which misconstrued the contest. You sent in song parodies -- Buddy Holly singing about Paula Jones. Uh-uh. We were looking for plausible clunkers based on real lyrics. Fortunately, plenty of people got it. One note: Many tried to come up with worse lyrics for "MacArthur Park." No one succeeded. Fifth Runner-Up: Shirley Ellis -- "Let's do Chuck! Chuck Chuck, bo-buck "(Russell Beland, Springfield) Fourth Runner-Up: The Kinks -- "She walked up to me and she asked me to dance I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice She said, Mur-ray." (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Third Runner-Up: Aretha Franklin -- "R-O-L-A-I-D-S" (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: Bob Dylan -- "Abe said where do you want this killin' done? And God said, 'On the Outer Loop which is backed up from the John Hanson Highway to Route 1 " (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) First Runner-Up: George Harrison -- "He's so fine do lang do lang do lang " (Sarah Worcester, Bowie; Dave Ferry, Leesburg) And the winner of the Church Lady doll: Carly Simon -- "You're so vain You probably think this song is about you! Don't you, Warren Beatty Don't you?" (Lily Fu Swenson, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Steve Miller -- "Some people call me the Space Cowboy Some people call me the Gangster of Love Some people call me Steve Miller " (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Archie Bell -- "Hi everybody This is Archie Bell and the Drells We can hardly sing, and we can't dance worth a lick, either " (Rod Johnson, Glen Arm, Md.) Steppenwolf -- "Born as a chi-i-ild " (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) David Bowie -- "Ground control to Major Nelson. " (Tara Zwillman, Alexandria) Francis Scott Key -- "Ohh, say what's that flag-looking thing over there?" (Peter Cashwell, Woodberry Forest) Jimi Hendrix -- "Hey, Joe, where you runnin with those scissors in your hand?" (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The Who -- "See me Feel me Touch me Bite me " (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Original backward message from Sgt. Pepper -- mubla siht retfa dnab eht fo pu-kaerb eht esuac lliw seviw detnelatnu s'nhoJ dna luaP. (Brian Linnekin, Washington) Neil Diamond -- "I'm not, I said, a big fat grouch But no one heard at all Not even the couch " (Bruce Shepard, Manassas) Tommy Tutone -- "Three-oh-one-eight-six-seven-five-three-oh-nine ... " (Nick Dierman, Potomac) Lesley Gore -- "It's my bat mitzvah and I'll cry if I want to " (Chuck and Chris Smith, Woodbridge) The Association -- "Tsouris is the word I use to describe " (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Next Week: Trip Deuces ====================================================================== WEEK 225, published July 6, 1997 Week 225: WE RESPECT-fully decline to publish any dumb entries by YOU. I'M WITHered, unemployed, and downright STUPID Yo, TOMMY i have a sneaking suspicion this is a counterfeit HILFIGER GEPHARDT getting the nomination? The odds are maybe 1 IN 2000 I BELIEVE CLINTON has a lot of gall. This week's contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a set of glow-in-the-dark rosary beads. Stephen was wandering through a political memorabilia store when he saw a T-shirt that read, "I SLEPT IN a motel two miles from THE WHITE HOUSE". He suggests that you come up with similar signs for a T-shirt or a bumper sticker that hide the real message in tiny type. First-prize winner gets a beautiful plaque of wood on which has been elaborately mounted what appears to be the foot of a small hawk or a large chicken. This is worth $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 225, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to apologize for last week's unprofessional, embittered outburst and to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for blowing it out his ear or something, plus what kind of a name is "Dudzik," I mean why not just name yourself Stephen Von Loser, or Stephen D. Geekstein or something? Also, Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 222, in which you were asked to define new words formed by the headings on the top of the Yellow Pages. Many folks defined "airport-alcoholism" as the state to which nervous travelers must fortify themselves before flights, and "bail-bakers" as specialists in making cakes with files in them. Sixth Runner-Up: Bungee-Burglar -- n. A thief who specializes in properties with floor sensor alarm systems. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Fifth Runner-Up: Fireproofing-Fish -- v. Performing useless make-work, as in "He was a disaster as director of marketing, so they kicked him upstairs and they've got him fireproofing fish." (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Fourth Runner-Up: Needlework-Newspapers -- n. Amish periodicals. Most recent issue announced the end of World War I. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Third Runner-Up: Beauty-Beer -- n. The last drink necessary before you decide that she is worth a one-night stand. (Jim D'Amico, Paineville, Ohio) Second Runner-Up: Junk-Karate -- n. An art of self-defense featuring noogies and Indian burns. (Joe Ponessa, Philadelphia) First Runner-Up: Bathroom-Bearings -- n. Innate ability that allows an inebriate to always find the lavatory. (Barney Kaufman, Manassas) And the winner of the Betty Boop clock and calendar: Lawn-Lawyers -- n. Weeds. (Robin D. Grove, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: Aluminum-Amusement -- n. The painful dating alternative before the invention of the inflatable woman. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Asphalt-Assisted -- adj. The primary method of death in Mafia-related cases. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Baby-Bags -- n. The puffiness beneath the eyes often seen in new parents. (Tina Winters, Arlington) Bail-Bathroom -- n. A pay toilet. (Jack Wallenfelt, Upper Marlboro) Business-CPR -- n. Chapter 11.(Catherine O. Kaplan, Washington) Carpet-Cash -- n. Money earned at the cost of a little rug burn. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Child-Chiropractors -- n. Schoolyard bullies who twist smaller kids into little balls. (John Kammer, Herndon) Chiropractic-Churches -- n. Houses of worship where the message is the massage. (Michael A. Genz, Washington) Contact-Contractors -- n. A euphemism for prostitutes. (Scott Douglas, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Convention-Copper -- n. A member of the Status Quo Police. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Credit-Crematories -- n. Bankruptcy courts. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Display-Dog -- n. The beautifully groomed and obedient pet that you show off to visitors, while hiding your actual scruffy, leg-humping mutt in the basement. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Driving-Druggists -- n. Not as well publicized, but every bit as dangerous as driving-drinkers. (Barney Kaufman, Manassas) Editorial-Elastic -- n. A retraction. "Today's newspaper was filled with editorial-elastic." (Russ Beland, Springfield) Escort-Excavating -- n. Digging up a date at the last minute. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.) Hair-Hammocks -- n. Strands of hair that balding men stretch across wide expanses of bare pate. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) House-Human -- n. The term by which most house-cats refer to the people who serve them. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Gas-Gazebos -- n. Outhouses. (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.) Language-Laundries -- n. Where well-to-do parents take their children to have their mouths washed out with soap. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Lawn-Lawyer -- n. A little statue you place in your front yard so the dogs will stop bothering the fire hydrant. (David Genser, Arlington) Marriage-Mason -- n. A famous divorce attorney who never lost a case. (David Genser, Arlington) Marble-Medical -- n. AMA slang for a psychiatric evaluation. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Mattresses-Meat -- n. Easy prey at a night spot. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Mental-Messenger -- n. A disgruntled bicycle courier. "Get nipped by a mental-messenger once, and you learn to step aside quickly on sidewalks." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; David Genser, Arlington) Organs-Outboard -- n. A method of dress made popular in California, but illegal in other states. (Philip Vitale, Arlington) Perfume-Pest -- n. Department store employee who preys on innocent shoppers, spraying them with the fragrance du jour. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Power-Priests -- n. One of a set of religious action figures. Collection also includes the Pastors of Doom and the Wrathful Rabbis. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Roommate-Rubbish -- n. Stories women tell to keep from inviting men back to their apartments. "It was going real well until she gave me that roommate-rubbish." (Russ Beland, Springfield) Screening-Screws -- n. See casting couch. (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.) Sewer-Sewing -- n. Dressmaking style that features lots of piping. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Television-Temporary -- adj. Denoting a short-lived state of apparent wisdom or knowledge. "We should all be thankful to Ken Burns for giving the country a television-temporary understanding of the Civil War." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Truck-Typewriters -- n. The predecessors to today's safer car phones and car faxes. (Paul Adams, Greensburg, Pa.) Upholsterers-Vacuum -- n. The dead zone in a chair or sofa into which change, car keys and combs tend to fall. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Vertical-Veterinarians -- n. Giraffe doctors. (David Genser, Arlington) Wedding-Weight -- n. About three sizes ago. (Jane Hanna, Leesburg) Woodworking-Word -- n. %&*!, as in "%&*! I cut my finger on the saw." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Next Week: Attempting Reentry ====================================================================== WEEK 226, published July 13, 1997 Week 226: Going Without A university without a football team is like a novel without pictures. A man without a woman is like a fish without one of those bubbling water filters that incessantly clean the tank, day in, day out. A newspaper without comics is like the New York Times. Pamela Anderson's brain, without the body, is like the worm without the bottle of tequila. This Week's Contest: Complete some variation of the expression "An A without a B is like a C without a D," as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a humongous foam-rubber head on a pole, apparently intended for use at the 1996 Republican National Convention, featuring a likeness of Phil Gramm. It may be the only one ever made. For some reason, we were able to obtain it for only $8, but we find this a ridiculous bargain, and hereby declare it to be worth $ 9. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 226, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The newly ordained Dwarf of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to just do the job for which he is well paid by The Washington Post, and thank Mr. Russell Beland of Springfield for his fine contribution to today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are FREE THE FAERIE DEATH TO THE FOUL USURPER not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 223, in which you were invited to submit entries to any past contest that you might have thought up after the deadline had passed. Fourth Runner-Up -- Inappropriate Christmas toys: "My First Norplant." (Cynthia Coe and Ray Aragon, Bethesda) Third Runner-Up -- Dumb questions: How come only people who walk funny and slur their speech drink excessive amounts of alcohol? (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up -- Dumb questions: Why don't people name their kids Adolf anymore? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) First Runner Up -- A three-line poem beginning and ending with the same name: Mike Tyson, Thanks for the post-fight interview, but please don't drool blood and pieces of ear into the Mike, Tyson.(Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And the winner of the Spam piggy bank -- Weekly World News headlines: Marshall Applewhite's Spaceship Crashes in Roswell! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Stupid ideas for products: Grapefruit-mist eye drops. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Answer: Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco. Question: No matter how old it gets, what wine never matures? (Thomas Wallick, Washington) Tom Swiftlies: "Yes, there were distinguishing characteristics," Paula Jones said circumspectly. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Stupid ideas for products: Pet mascara (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Bad first drafts of famous lines: Socrates -- "The unexamined life is like a box of chocolates." (Joseph Sisk, Arlington) Seinfeld-isms: What's the story with refrigerator magnets shaped like small appliances? Magnets should look like magnets. What's next, pinning up miniature toilets in the bathroom? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Inappropriate telephone-hold music: For Bill Clinton -- "Yessir, That's My Baby." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Tom Swiftlies: "The charges against me are preposterous," Marv said bitingly. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Tom Swiftlies: "I never inhaled," said the president bluntly. (Gregory Dunn and Karen Wright, Alexandria) Tom Swiftlies: "Learn from me, do not ever give a hooker a lift," Eddie Murphy mandated. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Why I need the pig: By giving the $15 million pig to me, you will ensure that O.J. will not be able to sell it to help pay his fines. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Pretentious speech: "Don't spend too much time on my nails, Maria. I've got some charity soup-kitchen thing tomorrow." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Analogies: Listening to "Pat Boone in a Metal Mood" is to listening to the Wagner "Ring" cycle as taking the Band-Aid off fast is to taking the Band-Aid off slow. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Bad first drafts of famous lines: MacArthur -- "I shall return, circumstances permitting." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge.) Bad first drafts of famous lines: "I've seen the future of rock-and-roll, and it is Gary Glitter." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A plot for "Casablanca II": Rick changes his mind and turns Laszlo in to the Nazis in order to keep Ilsa for himself. Later, Rick is horribly burned in a plane crash and wins the heart of his nurse by telling her the version of the story in which he nobly gives up Ilsa. The movie goes on forever, but women love it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Bad first drafts of famous lines: "Use the Fahrvergnugen, Luke" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Embarrassing phone-pad messages: To: His Holiness, the Pope Message: Allah called. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Palindromes: What did the Hawaiian say when he caught his wife in bed with another man? "Oh no! Don Ho!" (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Bad ideas: Using the competitive bidding process to hire a hit man. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) More Hints from Heloise: Dear Heloise: I loved your tip about using a few denture cleaning tablets to fizz-clean the toilet. To save even more time and money, place your dentures in the bowl at night, too, and ... (Lance Seberhagen, Vienna) Bad ideas: Paying your bail with a forged check (Richard Wong, Arlington) New name for the Redskins: The I-270 Spurs. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) New name for the Redskins: The Reddishskins (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Good idea: Being chaste around the Oval Office. Bad idea: Being chased around the Oval Office. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Conversation stoppers: "Do you know there are seven kinds of mucus?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Rearranging hyphenated words: Pub-it: n. A unit of measure that is often overestimated. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) You might be about to lose your job if ... the drug lord for whom you work says, "Hey! What's that wire coming out of your shirt collar?" (David Genser, Arlington) Dumb question: What does God look like? (Russ Beland, Springfield) And last -- Double Dactyls: Bippity-boppety Style Invitational Breakfast with you is my Weekend's best date. Mom says I'm overly Nuptialophobic; A single-slice toaster would Suit me just great. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Next Week: Drawing Conclusions ====================================================================== WEEK 227, published July 20, 1997 Week 227: Wild Pitches 'Buttman,' for Victoria's Secret -- A lizard in sunglasses who prowls the aisles of the famed lingerie store, pawing through undergarments and leering at the clientele. 'Drippy,' for Pringles with Olestra -- Drippy is part potato, part leek. 'Gummo' -- A pair of toothless jaws, he talks like Gabby Hayes. He seems to be saying, "Buy Polident." 'Phone-y Baloney,' for AT&T -- A smiling, ingratiating wad of sandwich meat who calls you on the phone during dinner to try to get you to switch to AT&T. This Week's contest is based upon the recent demise of Joe Camel, one of the lousiest cartoon pitchmen ever devised for any product. ("Hey, let's create a character who frequents pool halls, dresses like a pimp, looks vaguely like male genitalia, and encourages preschoolers to smoke cigarettes!") Your job is to come up with worthy successors to Joe: Name the real product, and describe the totally inappropriate cartoon character that would be created to represent it. (With Joe Camel's death, by the way, the mantel has passed to Elmer the Bull, who, in some bizarre twist of marketing, advertises glue.) First-prize winner gets an original, signed copy of a Bob Staake drawing of your character. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 227, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear No One Reads was submitted by Mr. Russell Beland of Springfield, and is published through the auspices of The Faerie of the Fine Print and the Ear No One Reads Productions, Inc., featuring the zany antics of The Dwarf of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads Ltd., a wholly-owned subsidiary of DwarfEnterprises International. Visit us on the World Wide Web. Bring cash. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 224, in which you were asked to tell us what was wrong with any of five cartoons. Second Runner-Up (Cartoon A) Suicide by dynamite is extremely rare.(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) Even though it clearly did not work the last time, this woman is stupidly still using the old "bottle on the nose" contraceptive method. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the winner of the Pat Nixon photograph: (Cartoon A) Lobbyists' tails are in the back. (Dan Kaplan, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: First of all, it is way too early to be blowing up the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade floats. And second, a lawyer float is just wrong, wrong, wrong. (Susan Reese, Arlington; Don Chernoff, Great Falls) Damn fool's trying to blow up a balloon from the wrong end. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Yes, the deadly Policy Wonk Cobra can puff out its head to resemble, and attract, its prey. But where would a snake get a briefcase? (John Verba, Washington) The gas station's air hose is intended for the convenience of the customers, not their entertainment. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) You cannot operate a computer mouse with your tongue. I've tried. (David Genser, Arlington) This man is still wrestling with the intricacies of phone sex. (John Verba, Washington) Tapeworms don't usually escape, and when they do, it is seldom from that orifice. (Bob Fowler, Greenbelt) Cartoon B: Edna misunderstood her pediatrician's advice. She was supposed to protect her baby from the sun with a parasol, not an aerosol. (Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville) Observe first the size of the woman's pelvis, and then the size of the baby's head. This woman should still be screaming. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Being from the Netherlands, this woman misunderstood advice to put suntan lotion on her nose. Later she would leave the baby outside the restaurant while she went in and ate. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The child's eyes are bigger than his source of milk. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) This woman is clearly shopping, but the child is not screaming and fidgeting and howling at the top of his lungs. Get real. (John Kammer, Herndon) What wrong with picture? Mother nose not best for carrying things. Father nose best. Haha. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Cartoon C: The guy is not surrounded by personal injury lawyers. (David Genser, Arlington) This is NOT what the doctor means when he says "turn your head and cough." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Cartoon D: These are not the "all-day suckers" her grandchildren asked for. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) This woman has a chess pawn falling out of her ear. It should be a mah-jongg tile. (John Pruessner, Gaithersburg) Cartoon E: Everyone knows that short, fat men go best on a sourdough roll with mayonnaise. (Bob Fowler, Greenbelt) Under World Boxing Federation rules, a fighter may bite off the ears of his opponent only one at a time. (Hank Wallace, Washington) What is wrong with this picture is that it will spawn many jokes at the expense of the dental profession, a profession working hard to preserve the oral health of your nation, a proud and serious calling deserving only praise and thanks, not ridicule and derision. There is nothing funny about a root canal. (Henry J. Herrmann, DMD, Falls Church) Next Week: We Respect-fully decline to publish any dumb entries by You ====================================================================== WEEK 228, published July 27, 1997 Week 228: Make My Day In my day, we didn't have sneakers. We had calluses. In my day, not only didn't we have indoor plumbing, we didn't have outhouses. We had to go in our pants, assuming we had pants. When I was a kid, we had to walk to school -- on our hands. This Week's contest was proposed by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a copy of "Welcome to Your Facelift," by Helen Bransford, who is 47 and looks like a 20-year-old veteran of Kabuki theater. Jean suggests that you supply advice to today's spoiled kids about how bad things were when we were growing up. First-prize winner receives a huge, vintage American Bicentennial commemorative poster made of genuine flocked faux-velour, and elegantly framed in what appears to be masking tape. This is worth $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 228, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 4. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Tell us how to best credit the author of The Ear No One Reads, which today was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 225, in which we asked you to come up with T-shirt slogans or bumper stickers that hide their real messages in small type. But first, a digression. For months we have been waiting for a week where the winning entries were so lame we had plenty of space to take care of old business. Week after week, you made this impossible. We were losing hope. We even considered re-running the famed Cockney Rhyming Slang contest, but, thank heavens, this week you finally reeked sufficiently to give us the room. And so, we are able to present the winners of the contest to come up with nicknames for persons with unusual physical characteristics. This contest is so old we don't even recall it precisely, but, by cracky, the winners will get what is coming to them, just as soon as we remember what that is. * Fifth Runner-Up: A baby with a large head: "Caesar" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * Fourth Runner-Up: A loud talker: A "racket scientist." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * Third Runner-Up: A person with no teeth and an outie bellybutton: Both "Gumby" and "Pokey"(Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church) * Second Runner-Up: A person with a high squeaky voice: a "Strug" (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church) * First Runner-Up: Someone with multiple chins: "Chinatown" (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) * And the Winner: Someone with many moles: "KGB" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ok, back to the hidden messages. * Third Runner-Up: HOW'S MY DRIVING? Do I look sober? (David Genser, Arlington) * Second Runner-Up: You'll FREEze your butt off in TIBET (Joseph Romm, Washington) * First Runner-Up: I never know what to do when I see those QUESTION AUTHORITY bumper stickers. Do I blindly comply with the command, or decline to obey, or just stand around waiting for further instructions? (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) * And the winner of the mounted turkey foot: IF YOU THINK EDUCATION IS EXPENSIVE, TRY IGNORANCEosity. (Dan Kaplan, Arlington) * Honorable Mentions: PRACTICE RANDOM KINDNESS AND SENSELESS ACTS OF BEAUTY, fatso. (Roy Ashley, Washington) My B.U.M, is so big it won't fit on exercise equipment. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE HOUSE AND THE SENATE and any other place she can nag her way into. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Some ANIMALS ARE carnivores and will eat PEOPLE TOO (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) VISUALIZE Newt roasting over an open fire, an apple wedged between his teeth, while a small tribe of Polynesian cannibals does a ceremonial dance thanking the gods for the unsurpassed bounty before them, and, oh yeah, WORLD PEACE (Jose Cortina, Centreville) VIRGINIA IS FOR conservative heterosexual gun and cigarette LOVERS (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) I VOmiTED (Carmelo Milici, Alexandria) HAVE A NICE DAY with no more sappy cliches. (Courtney Knauth, Washington) Ihad aattack inNY (David Genser, Arlington) I am JESUS and Napoleon IS MY CO-PILOT (Susan M. Henderson, Washington) Next Week: Going Without ====================================================================== WEEK 229, published August 3, 1997 Week 229: We Can't Hear You 1. Things you don't want to hear as you awaken from surgery: 2. Things you don't want to hear after you bought your new house: 3. Things you don't want to hear in your place of worship: 4. Things you don't want to hear after you get married: 5. Things you don't want to hear at your child's parent-teacher conference: This week's contest: Supply an example for any of the five categories above. Quotes only. First-prize winner gets an original, vintage 33 rpm original-cast soundtrack of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," a famously famous cult camp classic that is nestled in your memory as an irreplaceable cultural touchstone until you see it again, fully adult, sober and realize it was a pile of poo. It is worth $20. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 229, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Terse Ear Credit: Tom Witte, Gaithersburg. Next Week: Victorian Romance Ear Credit. Employees of the Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 226, in which you were asked to complete a sentence roughly fitting into the template "An A without B is like a C without D." * Third Runner-Up: Congress without Sonny Bono would be like rock-and-roll without Sonny Bono. (Russell Beland, Springfield) * Second Runner-Up: "The Wizard of Oz" without the allegedly matching Pink Floyd CD is like "Casablanca" without Smell-O-Vision. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * First Runner-Up: David Copperfield without Claudia Schiffer is like a man without a beard without a beard. (Joseph H. Sisk, Arlington) * And the winner of Phil Gramm's head on a pole: Having a meal without wine is like having a dream in which you are Jean-Paul Sartre having a meal without wine. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * Honorable Mentions: The Redskins without Heath Shuler are like the Beatles without Gary Lewis. (Jose Cortina, Centreville) The comics page without a bridge section is like pizza without drywall nails. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The Post without its sissified puns is like the Middle Ages without the plague. (Jim Day, Gaithersburg) The D.C. government worrying about being without a recycling program is like Odysseus worrying if he sailed without sunscreen.(Russ Beland, Springfield) An evening of the Captain without Tennille is like being buried up to your neck in an insect-infested jungle without having a bucket of molasses poured over your head. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) A president without a vice president is like a president with a vice president. (John W. Myrna, Silver Spring) A celebrity rock band without Bruce Willis is like a rare Chippendale table without someone's name carved into the top. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) A body without a tattoo is like a foot without a bullethole. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) A Playboy magazine without the nude women is like Ripple without alcohol. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) A politician without a conscience is like a billiard ball without a mustache. (Stephen Halter, Herndon) Political talk shows without "The McLaughlin Group" are like a bottle of wine without a screw top. (Nicolin Girmes, Blacksburg; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) A woman without a man is like a fish without a bigger fish to cook for and satisfy sexually. (Ned Bent, Herndon) A man without a woman is like a jellyfish without the peanut butter. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) A woman without a man is like a symphony orchestra without the tambourine player. (Edna Babbitt, Chicago) A good joke without its explanation is like sex without trying to have a baby. Get it? I'm trying to get more credit with the same joke I used months ago! (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) The Style Invitational without David Twenhafel is like "Spargi d'amaro pianto" from Act 2, Scene 2, of "Lucia di Lammermoor" without Callas! (Scott Douglas, Washington) Next Week: Wild Pitches ====================================================================== WEEK 230, published August 10, 1997 Week 230: Tales From the Cryptogram Men in Black = Two Do Gibes Pee-wee Herman = Boo-hoo, Police! Citizen Kane = Repeats Most Ted Kennedy = Sin Fibbing Al Gore = To Yawn Jay Leno = Ape Chin This Week's Contest was proposed by Fred Dawson of Beltsville, who wins a hideous necktie from the Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. When we first considered Fred's idea, we thought it idiotic. Then we began noodling with it, and pretty soon, before we knew it, days had gone by, our family had left us, we had gone to the bathroom in our pants, etc. Here it is: Take any proper noun -- a person, a book, a movie, whatever -- and create for it an appropriate cryptogram. The rules of a cryptogram are that you must rewrite the original name substituting one letter for another, keeping the spaces where they are. If a letter repeats in the original name, its corresponding letter must repeat in the same place in the new name. In each cryptogram, a letter can only represent one other letter. A letter cannot represent itself. For example, "sex" can become "fun," but it cannot become "Hef." First-prize winner gets Dopey, Sleepy, Sneezy, Doc, Bashful, Happy and Grumpy, basically a giant bag o'dwarfs, celebrating some of the most beloved figures of American folk art. They were manufactured in the People's Republic of China. They are worth $20. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 230, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. "Russ ... Russ Beland of Gaithersburg," she moaned, her hungry lips exploring his ear, "employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes." Next week: Sherlockian ear credit. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. Report from Week 227, in which you were asked to commemorate the demise of Joe Camel by coming up with similarly ill-advised or tasteless spokescharacters. Several people suggested ideas that were actually good, the best of which was by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. Jonathan proposed that Jiffy Lube create the "Eminence Grease," a wise if somewhat oily father figure of the automotive service industry. Some ideas were clever but did not quite meet the requirements of the contest: Paul Laporte and Lee Mayer of Washington proposed that Beck's Beer run its own version of the "milk mustache" ads, only with beer foam, and the mustache would resemble Hitler's. Third Runner-Up: "Digit," for the American Cancer Society. He is a large cartoon finger who is always wagging at us, scolding us to get regular prostate exams(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: Montezuma, for Taco Bell. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) First Runner-Up: Woody the Trojan Horse, for Trojan condoms. (John B. Allen, Charlottsville) And the Winner of an autographed copy of this drawing: Cheez-Its of Nazareth, for Cheez-Its brand crackers. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Honorable Mentions: In a naked plea for Asian money, a dragon replaces the donkey for the Democratic National Committee. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Molassa the Tectonic Plate, for Metrobus. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) The Thirst Nazi, for Sprite's "Obey your thirst" campaign. Catchphrase: "Sip heil!" (John B. Allen, Charlottsville) Mephisto, a dancing pentagram, for Procter & Gamble. (Anthony Sebro, Washington) Shylock, for Sovran Bank: ("So, you need a loan, nu?") (David Genser, Arlington) Yoshi the Samurai, for Nips Candy. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Bun, a dead rabbit, for EPT home pregnancy tests. Basically, it just lies there. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Buddy the Beaver, for Weyerhauser. ("Cutting down trees is natural!") (Mike Genz, La Plata) Chompy, a big fat alligator, urging you to fly ValuJet. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Moody, the reclusive eighth dwarf, for Prozac. (John B. Allen, Charlottsville) Squirmy the Gerbil, for Preparation H. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Twenty-man, with XX on his shirt, for Dos Equis. He is 20, and keeps trying to buy beer underage. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Itchy and Scratchy for Monistat-7 (Gary Patishnock, Laurel; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Nick O'Teen for Marlboro.Teenage Gen-X-er with baggy pants, backward baseball cap, cigarette in mouth and a wicked slouch. (David Genser, Arlington) Elmo the Bull with Mad Cow Disease, for Krazy Glue. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Sexus for Lexus, a cartoon phallus. "She'll love your Lexus because she knows it's different from other cars because it costs so much." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Chief Chopitoff, for Supercuts. A rampaging Indian running around scalping people. (Douglas Bailey, Vernon, N.Y.) That Senor Wences character, made from his hand, for Pee-wee's next movie. (Peyton Coyner, Afton) Jack the Hammer, for Bayer Aspirin. He TALKS REAL LOUD. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Crusty the Glob, for Heinz Ketchup, a maroon inedible coating around the neck of the bottle. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Next Week: Make My Day ====================================================================== WEEK 231, published August 17, 1997 Week 231: Giving Quarter Arkansas: "Now With Electricity." New Jersey: "Proud to Be a Punchline!" Colorado: "Even More Rectangular Than Wyoming." Hawaii: "You Can't Get Here by Bus, and That Suits Us Just Fine." This Week's Contest was suggested by 2,457 people, each of whom will win a 1997 Honda Accord with cruise control and vinyl side molding. (Not really, though. This is just a joke. Mary Ann the Lawyer insists that we specify this fact, plainly, so no one will think we are really giving away 2,457 new cars, a misunderstanding that might create a potential tortious cause of action against The Post, its agents, employees and/or any wholly owned subsidiaries thereof, etc. Mary Ann the Lawyer believes it will not at all harm the integrity of the joke to explain this.) Anyway, two weeks ago, the federal government announced that the "tails" side of the quarter will be redesigned over the next decade to carry, serially, ads for each of the 50 states. Suggest a motto for any state. Optional: Describe an accompanying image. First-prize winner receives a huge snow globe containing a likeness of Elvis; when you shake it, he is bathed in glitter. This is worth $50.Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 231, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. "Attend, Watson, I hear a step on the stair and unless I am very much mistaken we shall soon have a visitor about whom I can deduce little other than the obvious facts that his name is Genser, and that he is a bearded man of modest stature, spare frame and fair hair, mild of manner, brisk of step, quick of wit, a man skilled in accountancy, who lives near a cemetery, has an infant child, a handsome wife, and a single, extraordinarily long ear. Beyond that, I fear I know nothing." Next week: Chandleresque Ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 228, in which you were asked to tell Gen Xers how much harder you had it in the old days: Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster: In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) In my day, your mama was so ugly, we walked 15 miles to school because she was the bus driver. (Rob Cramer and Fredreka Schouten, Arlington) In my day, we didn't have fancy high numbers. We had "nothing," "one," "twain" and "multitudes." Or you could hold up digits to show how many, maximum 20 for women, 21 for men. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like sex. At least that is what they told me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny.(Brendan Bassett, Columbia) When I was a kid, 2K RAM and 2 Hz was good enough. 36 Megs and 300 Hz? You can't even type that fast. (Dan Chaney, Clinton) Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didn't have days. There was only "time for work," "time for pray" and "time for sleep." The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville) In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) In my day, we didn't have mouses to move the cursor around. We only had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get to the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a thousand times, dadgummit. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the damn way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie) In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did ... (Peg Sheeran, Vienna) Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy. (Bruce Evans, Washington) In my day, we didn't have Dilbert or Zippy, we had the mindless sentimental drivel of Family Circus and the stilted banality of Mark Trail. Now that was suffering. What? You must be kidding. Never mind. (Chris Kaufman, Lanham) In the old days, nobody asked you to sign petitions. The sheriff just came to your house and told you you was part of a posse. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Back in my day, "60 Minutes" wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover) Next Week: We Can't Hear You ====================================================================== WEEK 232, published August 24, 1997 Week 232: Primal Urges A is for Arteriosclerosis, the dreaded disease, B is for "Baywatch," the jiggling sleaze, C is for CDs, with music by Handel, D is for D.C., whose control board is (choose one) either great or a scandal ... This Week's Contest was suggested by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a monkey head made out of a coconut. Elden suggests that you update, for the millennium, the old "A is for Apple" reading primer. An entry must include the four letters in one of these blocks: A-D, E-H, I-L, M-P, Q-T, U-Z. The rhyme scheme should be as above, and, yes, the final six letters must be done as a unit. You figure it out. We will gather the winners together in an entire A-Z primer. First-prize winner gets "Fighting the Trade in Young Girls," a 1910 book by Mr. Ernest A. Bell, Secretary of the Illinois Vigilance Association, about the alarming trade in female slavery in America. This book contains many shocking case studies of women ("white women!") who were wrested from virginal circumstances and sold into prostitution and worse; these stories are highly entertaining, scantily documented and palpably untrue, serving mostly to advance the career of Mr. Ernest A. Bell, Secretary of the Illinois Vigilance Association. (Photo caption: "The author and his band of noble workers, fighting The Evil in the very heart of the vice district.") Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 232, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Does there exist, now or ever before, an advertisement as dumb as the current Moto Photo radio spots that play upon the hilarious uniqueness of the name 'Moto Photo' ('Quasimodo?' 'Yoko Ono?')? If so, we'd like your nomination, with an explanation of why your ad is worse. Best offering wins a $5 gift certificate to the Moto Photo of your choice. Speaking of dumb, what about Beland? Beland, out of Springfield. He was dumb as they come, as dumb as a guy who has to testify against the mob, as dumb as a giraffe with a speech impediment, as dumb as a guy with three ears and no kisser. Next week: Mime ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 229, in which you were asked for lines you wouldn't want to hear on waking after surgery, or in any of four other circumstances. Fourth Runner-Up -- Waking after surgery: "Go toward the light." (Karen Wright and Gregory Dunn, Alexandria) Third Runner-Up -- After surgery: "She's almost awake! Quick, someone find her panties!" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up -- At your child's parent-teacher conference: "That young'un of yours sure can cipher!" (Drew Roberts, Germantown) First Runner-Up -- At your child's parent-teacher conference: "You mean Jody is a boy?" (Greg Arnold, Herndon) And the winner of the original, vintage 33 rpm original-cast soundtrack of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" -- Something you don't want to hear after getting married: "Now that's a coincidence. My birth mother's name was Clytemnestra de Nunkyhaven, too!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Things you don't want to hear as you awaken from surgery: "Scalpel." (Russ Horner, Arlington) "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" (Robert J. McManus, Bethesda) "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!"(Judy Kopff, Washington) "Blink once for yes" (Russ Smith, Alexandria) "Hurry up with that yonazt infurbulator, Commander Xthepho! The earthling is returning to consciousness." (Tom Wilson, Washington) "Anesthesia really makes you babble! So you're that famous Deep Throat, huh? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "I always hate it when there are parts left over." (Mike Platt, Germantown) Things you don't want to hear at your child's parent-teacher conference: "It's so nice for grandparents to take an interest in a child's education!" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Hi. I'm not wearing any underpants!" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "She's doing pretty good, for a girl." (Paul Alter, Hyattsville) "Pourquoi est-ce que votre enfant est dans une ecole francaise?" (Andrew Brecher, Washington) Things you don't want to hear in your place of worship: "How long has it been since your last confession, baby?" (David Genser, Arlington) ". . . and smite the devils at the ATF, amen." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) "Psst. That's him! That's her husband!" (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) "We've replaced all the pews with futons." (Joseph Method, Washington) Things you don't want to hear after you buy a new house: "So you must be The Outlanders." (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) "The Federal Reserve lowered interest rates an unprecedented 1 percent today." (Arthur Methvin, Annandale; David Genser, Arlington) "Good morning, sir, this is Pepco. Just wanted to let the homeowners around here know they may experience some temporary power dips over the next few days while we test the electric chair at the new correctional facility over by the playground." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "The skunks are so tame they come right up to the house!" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Good news! The kid next door is not going to be tried as an adult!" (Virginia Maggi, Falls Church) "Hi, I'm your neighbor. I hope you don't mind if my poultry strays into your yard sometimes." (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) Things you don't want to hear after getting married: "Ewww. What's that?" (Jim Selkregg, Woodbridge) "I've cut you out of my will and I'm leaving the Redskins to my son." (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Next Week: Tales From The Cryptogram ====================================================================== WEEK 233, published August 31, 1997 Week 233: SEEKING PARODY From the Washington Post: The federal government has agreed to pay hospitals around the country hundreds of millions of dollars not to train doctors in a highly unorthodox initiative aimed at alleviating a growing glut of physicians. As rewritten by Doctor Seuss: "I need a doctor," said old mister Gipp, "For the aches and the pains in my hip and my lip." So he went to the hospital quick as a wink. It had nifty contraptions that beep, whoosh and blink. Big ones and small ones, short ones and tall, But no doctors in sight, no doctors at all! "We don't feature doctors," sniffed the hospital staff, "We've cured us of doctors," they said with a laugh. "But we've got machines to attend to your health, Because, without doctors, we're rolling in wealth. The government pays us to stay doctor-free, So we spend all the money on wheedle-dee-dee Like snazzy new carpets and fancy TVs, Nurses up the gazoo to ignore your disease." Gipp said his gazoo was feeling just swell. "It's the rest of my body that's going to hell." With a moan, he declared: "I don't need me no nurse!" And soon he was right. He needed a hearse. This Week's Contest: Take any paragraph appearing on page A1 of today's Washington Post, and rewrite it in the style of any famous writer. The example above is from last Sunday's Post. First-prize winner gets a handsome wall clock made from a genuine piece of cow poop, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 233, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 8. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. (David Genser, Arlington) Next week: Shakespearean ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 230, in which you were asked to take any noun and create for it an ironic cryptogram. The Czar was confident the results of this contest would be spectacular, but his boss, the Baron von Ferkelpinkeln, cautioned him otherwise. "They will be clever but not funny," he predicted. "You will have to contrive an elaborate, overlong, self-indulgent introduction to disguise the fact that you have insufficient good entries to fill the space." Nonsense, replied the Czar, indignantly drawing himself up to his full height, which is 5 feet 10 inches, give or take a few millimeters. At this, the Czar permitted himself a brief chuckle, recalling a line from his favorite poem, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock," by the eminent British poet and critic Thomas Stearns Eliot (1888-1965), who refers to "a tedious argument of insidious intent." Not that the Czar compares himself to Eliot. Eliot was taller. * Third Runner-Up -- X-Files: Y-Watch? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) * Second Runner-Up -- Hong Kong: Weds Reds (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * First Runner-Up -- Dan Quayle: Boy Wnoder (Jose Cortina, Centreville) * And the winner of the Bag o' Dwarfs: Rush Limbaugh: Paid Blowhard (Don Juran, Rockville) * Honorable Mentions: Watergate: Dicktrick (Don Juran, Rockville) Paula Jones: Romeo Stink (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mike Tyson: Chew Rival (Barney Kaufman, Manassas; Mike Hammer, Washington) Pol Pot: Mad Man (Annie Wauters, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) ABBA: Poop (Roy Ashley, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Dick Morris: Slut Nibble (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Elvis: Porky (Dian Sams, Springfield) Network News: Tabloid Talk (Kathy Fraeman, Olney) Zima: Spit (Anthony Sebro, Columbia) Bill Gates: Wuss Chief (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Dan Quayle: Top Skolar (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) IBM PC: Hal Jr. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Ivana Trump: Lusts Money (Kevin and Joan Maloy, McLean) Prozac: Zombie (Kevin and Joan Maloy, McLean) Howard Stern: Waxing Horny (Kevin and Joan Maloy, McLean) Mike Tyson: Ouch! Bites! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Elvis: Goner (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Barney: Opiate (Bruce Shepard, Manassas) VISA: DEBT (Neil Molenda, Arlington) Packwood: Meshugga (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Al Gore: Is Next (Steve Hoglund, Washington) Jack Germond: Gust Machine (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Dick Nixon: Nose Polyp (Ronald Reagan didn't fit, okay? This was hard.) (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Next Week: Giving Quarter ====================================================================== WEEK 234, published September 7, 1997 Week 234: The Joke's on You Why do firemen wear red suspenders? Where does an 800-pound gorilla sit? How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? "Just because this lad asserts his disdain for measured time, that is certainly no reason to dub him a moron." -- Henry David Thoreau This Week's Contest was inspired from something boinging around the Internet, in which funny celebrity punch lines are supplied for the joke "Why did the chicken cross the road?" (Tomas de Torquemada: "Leave me alone with the chicken for 10 minutes and I will find out." Ernest Hemingway: "To die. Alone. In the rain.") We would never stoop to stealing an idea, unless: 1) it is a good idea, and 2) we can alter it a little and plausibly claim it as our own. So, this week's contest is to complete any of the above four jokes (Not the chicken! That would be Wrong!) as it would be told by someone famous, living or dead. First-prize winner gets a small checkered bag with a drawstring. Inside are a half dozen pellets. They look like they might be beanstalk seeds, but they are genuine fossilized material, obtained from beneath the latrines at Civil War battlefields. We swear this is true. It is worth $20. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 234, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Harken to the sounds upon the fen, sir / 'Tis the noble warble of the Tufted Genser. (Next week: Ogden Nash ear credit.) Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 231, in which you were asked to design a state motto for the back of the new quarters. Third Runner-Up -- Maine: "Can't Say We Rightly Approve of These New-Fangled Quarters."(Dave Whitten, Falls Church) Second Runner-Up -- Mississippi: "Coloreds Welcome" (Mark Seitten, Takoma Park) First Runner-Up -- Missouri: "This is the back of the quarter." (Bob and Lydia Faulkner, Washington) And the winner of the huge snow globe containing a likeness of Elvis: Nebraska: "E Pluribus Coli." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: Florida: "God's Waiting Room" (John Bowen, West Orange, N.J.; Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington) Nevada: "Insert Coin. Pull Handle. Repeat." (Caroline Gennity, Norfolk; John Kammer, Herndon; Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg) West Virginia: (John Kammer, Herndon) New Jersey: "You Want I Should Smack You or What?" (Sid Perkins, Arlington) Massachusetts: "We're Almost Out of Kennedys" (Barney Kaufman, Manassas) Iowa: "The Only State in the Union Where Most Schoolkids Can Find Iowa on a Map" (Tom Kreitzburg, Silver Spring) Virginia: "Executing Mainly the Guilty" (Hank Wallace, Washington) New York: "We Got Your Quarter Right Here" (John Kammer, Herndon; Edward Mickolus, Dunn Loring) Texas: "Recuerde a El Alamo" (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Utah: "Help Us Rename Our Basketball Team, Please" (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Nevada: "If There Were an Area 51, It Might Be Here" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Hawaii: "No, We Wouldn't Like a Nice Hawaiian Punch, So Shut Your Poi Hole" (Cynthia Coe and Ray Aragon, Bethesda) West Virginia: (Bob and Lydia Faulkner, Washington) Arkansas: "The Special Prosecutor State" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) New Jersey: "28 Great Exits" (Lawrence Friedl, Washington) Alabama: "Where Strom Thurmond is considered a hippie." (Justin Warner, Washington) New York: "More Polite Than France" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Nevada: (Exact dupe of the "heads" side, for cheap sucker bets) (Drew Knoblauch, Roanoke) New Jersey: "Gas Food Lodging" (David Genser, Arlington) Nevada: "Tails It Is!" (Joseph Romm, Washington) Arkansas: "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem" (Sarah Corcoran, Cherry Hill, N.J.) Minnesota: "The Only State With the Anagram 'A Snot Mine.' " (Pat Shea, Silver Spring) Mississippi: "Bet You Can't Name a City" (Jose Cortina, Centreville) Vermont: "We're the One on the Left. No, Wait. Yeah, the Left" (Stephen R. Mundt, Arlington) Nevada: "Most of Our Women Are Not Prostitutes" (David Genser, Arlington) New York: "Stranglings Are Down Recently" (David Genser, Arlington) New York: "Put the Rest of Your Change in the Bag. I Have a Gun." (David Genser, Arlington) Pennsylvania: "Thank God We Weren't Founded by Oglethorpe" (Jay and Carol Wolff, Naples, Fla.) New York: "Like We Need a Motto" (Dorothy Hickson, Columbia Heights) Next Week: Primal Urges ====================================================================== WEEK 235, published September 14, 1997 Week 235: ROOTS After a wedding in ancient Babylonia, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead -- an alcoholic beverage made from honey -- he could drink in a month. This period was called the "honey month," which became known as the "honeymoon." Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. Thus the phrase "rule of thumb." In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's." Before the discovery of fish, in ancient Japan, all they had to eat were those stupid blocks of pressed tofu. Of course, eating utensils had not yet been invented, so people had to swallow them whole. This gave rise to the expression "a square meal." This Week's Contest was suggested by Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax, who wins a CD containing 10 songs for dogs, including "If I Only Had a Thumb." Kevin sent us the above etymologies, all beer-related and all allegedly true, as compiled by Pete's Wicked Ale. Your challenge this week is to make up similar historical explanations -- they should be vaguely plausible, not necessarily beer-related -- for the etymology of any term you wish. The term should be the punch line. First-prize winner gets an unopened bottle of vintage Elvis Presley "Love Me Tender" moisturizing milk bath. It smells astonishing, like a puree of Kaopectate, apricot liqueur and 20 Mule Team Borax. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 235, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. (Jonathan Paul. That's all.) Next week: Emily Dickinson Ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 232, in which you were asked to come up with an alphabet primer for the 1990s. Second Runner-Up: M is for Mad Cow Disease, an ailment you've got, N is for New World Order, a U.N. plot, O is for Oswald -- he was framed, don't you see? P is for Paranoid. You talkin' to me?(Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner-Up: A is for Alimony, a financial sarcoma, B is for Bridal shower, call Williams-Sonoma, C is for Courtship (Does he look like Paul Newman?), D is for Delusion (Sorry -- Harry S Truman), E is for Ego -- yes I love myself best, F is for Futon, to get rid of that guest, M is for Macho, the stuff that guys strut, N is for Neighbor, and yours is a nut, O is for Orioles -- Cal, Roberto and Brady, P is for Prostate, thank God I'm a lady. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) And the winner of the book about white slavery: U is for Ultramontanism, the policy that absolute authority in the church should be vested in the pope, V is for Valetudinarian, a sickly person, in particular one so morbidly concerned with health as to be practically without hope, W is for Wernicke's encephalopathy, a brain disease caused by thiamine deficiency, X is for Xanthomatosis, a condition in which the afflicted individual has far more than enough lipids to form a sufficiency, Y is for Yohimbine, a poisonous alkaloid, C21H26N2O3, Z is for Zoospore, a fungus capable of independent motion though the use of a whiplike structure called a flagellum. Congratulations. You just earned a PhD. (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) And one big, fat sloppy Honorable Mention: (Credit for the individual lines appears below.) A is for Armed robbery, our favorite pastime, B is for Busted, just like the last time, C is for Cops, and for courtroom hard-liners, D is for Delinquent, thank God we're all minors. (Steven Mundt, Arlington) E is for Enid, Joe Waldholtz's ex-love, F is for Fatsos, see (E) above, (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) G is for Gen-Xers, directionless slobs, H is for Ha-ha, we hold all your jobs. (Nicholas Romanov, St. Petersburg, Fla.) I is for Internet, where nerds find fame, J is for Jason, which is no doubt your name, K is for Kwanzaa, a fest in December, L is for Liberals, but you're too young to remember. (David Genser, Arlington) M is for Married, Motel and Meet, N is for Negligence, in passion's heat, O is for Oh dear God, this can't be true! P is for Papa, the stick has turned blue. (P.J. Richardson, Silver Spring) Q is for Quality Management, consultants galore, R is for Robotics, the study of Gore, (David Genser, Arlington) S is for Snot, which one's nose doth ooze, T is for Twenhafel, who is not amused. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) UV is the sunshine that burns out your eyes, W is for Washington, the city of lies, XY are the chromosomes that make you a son, (Jack Rouch, Frederick) Z is for Zen, with our bad rhymes we are one. (Susan Reese, Arlington) (A-B-C-D: Steven Mundt, Arlington; E-F: Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; G-H: Nicholas Romanov, St. Petersburg, Fla.; I-J-K-L: David Genser, Arlington; M-N-O-P: P.J. Richardson, Silver Spring; Q-R: David Genser, Arlington; S-T: Niels Hoven, Silver Spring; U-V-W-X-Y: Jack Rouch, Frederick; Z: Susan Reese, Arlington.) Next Week: Seeking Parody ====================================================================== WEEK 236, published September 21, 1997 Week 236: Calling the Toon. This Week's Contest: What is happening here? Choose one or more than one. First-prize winner gets a severed human head. It is life-size, made of latex, has real tawny blond hair, is labeled with the name "Sarah," and apparently was once a hatmaker's model. It is worth $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 236, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. How dreadful -- how like fear -- / I wax suspicious of / David Genser's Ear. Next week: Socratic Ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 233, in which you were asked to rewrite in the style of a famous author any paragraph appearing on page A1 of that day's Post. But first, a brief comment. The Style Invitational is seditious. We take chances. We love to wade blindly into the abyss. Because we go to press two days before we are published, we had no way of knowing what was going to be on Page 1; certainly not that the page would be devoted almost in its entirety to the death of a beloved world figure, and to a story on AIDS. Fortunately, many readers chose to focus on the few remaining, uplifting features on the page. Unfortunately, many did not. Fortunately, we can print whatever we wish, and may choose to ignore the indecorous. Unfortunately, we are not renowned for our good taste. As always, we went with the funniest stuff. Ready! Fire! Aim! Into the abyss. Proud. Fearless. Stupid. Fourth Runner-Up: Mets Down O's, 13-6. Their starting pitcher shaky and their bullpen weary, the Baltimore Orioles lost an early 5-2 lead and fell, 13-6, to the New York Mets, who got 19 hits in the interleague game By Ernest Thayer: The outlook wasn't happy for the Md.ville nine that day, The New York Mets had come to town for inter-circuit play. And though the players were too young to recollect those times, The fans remembered what went down in 1969.(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Third Runner-Up: Today: Mostly sunny, more humid. High 86. Low 70. Wind 6-12 mph. By Groucho Marx: Today, mostly sunny, more humid. High 86. Low 70. Inseam 32. Wind 6 to 12. Yankees 12 to 6. Whirlaway 20 to 1. And if you mix horseradish with Cream of Wheat it tastes more like scrambled eggs than oatmeal. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Diana, Princess of Wales, was killed along with her boyfriend Dodi Fayed in an automobile crash Second Runner-Up: By Albert Camus: Diana died today. Or maybe, yesterday. The people at the hospital said she died at 4 a.m., but in Washington that is 10 p.m. You could call it yesterday. (Noah Meyerson, Washington, and Kevin and Karen Greenberg, Philadelphia) First Runner-Up: By Adelaide Crapsey: They fled. Princess and beau. Through the Parisian night. But still paparazzi shot them To death. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) And the winner of the cow-pie clock: By John Donne: Ask not for whom the belle's tailed, she's tailed for thee. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington.) Honorable Mentions: The House of Cooke The Redskins start the new season tonight with a new owner. Out from his father's shadow, John Kent Cooke is in charge -- for now. So who is he, and where is he headed? THE MAGAZINE By George Will: Tacitus wrote that as Hannibal lay dying, he implored his heir to seek an easier route through the Alps when next invading Rome; i.e., to "go with the short pass." Today, another prodigal son, John Kent Cook, must lead his brave army to victory while avoiding Clintonian moral decay and Shulerian imprecision. Will he heed my advice? Peruse MAGAZINE. (David Genser, Arlington) By Stephen King: As memories of the past swirled like autumn's brittle dead leaves, Jack hoped the new football season would end the nightmares. It was the Shadow that made him wonder. It was larger than his own shadow and the Shadow was always lurking. Sometimes it only touched part of him, and he shivered. Sometimes the Shadow engulfed him, almost suffocating him. And as the Shadow moved away he'd catch just a whiff of his father's after-shave (Diana Sams, Springfield) She was 36. By Hugh Hefner: She was 36, a leggy blonde. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) But that was then. by e.e. cummings: but that was then (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) By T.S. Eliot: And then was then as now is now For the end shall be the beginning and the beginning the end And the end of the ending shall be the beginning of the beginning. (Where was I now) And how shall I end if not by ending (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Some miracles come in time, and some miracles teach people about time itself. By Janet Dailey: Some miracles come in time, and some miracles teach people about time itself. (Tom Lundregan, Springfield; Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Her adult life was never really her own. By Stephen Jay Gould: Her life was never really her own, beyond the pupa stage. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Diana, Princess of Wales, was killed By Tony Kornheiser: Why does this whole Princess Di thing bug me so much? I mean, I never met her, never saw her in person. And the only notable things about her were that 1) she was the only person on this planet who got along with Joan Rivers, and 2) her ex-husband had ears as big as sperm whales. Now that I think about it, maybe that's why his title is Prince of Whales (Jose Cortina, Centreville) The shopping centers, strip malls and interstate highways that ring Old Town had nearly choked the City Center to death. But in the last two years a "new Old Town" has begun to take root. By Paul Theroux: On a day dreary with threatening clouds, my bus pulled into Old Town Manassas. It seemed to me to be the ultimate Northern Virginia suburban town. Stocky men sat smoking on the street corner. Nothing was right on the back streets. The trees were dirty and had rusted leaves. It was not that the trees looked dead; they looked as if they had never been alive. (Rod Johnson, Glen Arm) By Shakespeare: Act 2, Scene 1 (A suburb near Old Towne) Manassas: See how this paved menace creeps anon And wraps its fatal choke hold on the town. Sound alarums lest it maul1 our hearts. Marry2, we can be kings without a Crown3. 1. maul = mall. 2. marry = an interjection. 3. crown = A. a gold coin. B. a discount bookstore. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) By Dorothy Parker: Chain stores are large Highways are a mess Strip malls overcharge You might as well regress. And by the way, all men are lying scumsuckers who'll break your heart. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Next Week: The Joke's on You ====================================================================== WEEK 237, published September 28, 1997 Week 237: Ask Backward A paparazzo's conscience Because Marv got there first Sixteen paparazzi and a mohel Marv, but not a paparazzo Hitler, Pol Pot, Satan and Marv Because a paparazzo was unavailable A fish named Marvin Moses, Jesus, Buddha and a paparazzo Marvin Gardens A paparazzo's grave Only Marv and Eleanor Roosevelt A paparazzo's f-stop This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one, or more than one. First-prize winner gets a set of four first-day-of-issue stamped envelopes commemorating the presidency of Richard Milhous Nixon, proudly issued in 1995 by the Richard Nixon Library and Birthplace in Yorba Linda, Calif. It is worth the price of the four 32-cent stamps affixed to the envelopes, plus sentimental value. Say, two bucks, total. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 237, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. "If a man gives away his ear, Socrates, how then might he hear?" "A good question, Eucalyptus. Would an earless man have no way to comprehend speech?" "He might read the lips of those who speak." "Just so, Eucalyptus. And he would thus hear voice but be deaf to the language of the gods. He could hear not the leaves rustle, nor a bee land upon a flower." (Next Week: Kornheiser Ear Kredit.) Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 234, in which you were asked to complete any of four jokes, as told by a famous person. For some reason, Dan Quayle took a horrible thrashing this week. A man makes some teensy public mistakes, and people can't seem to leave him alone. If we were Quayle we would be as steamed as, oh, we don't know, a soup potato. There were several excellent answers too popular to reward with prizes. The best: Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? Lorena Bobbitt: 'Because I wasn't thinking clearly. Oh, wait. You said, "clock."' Fifth Runner-Up: Why did the moron throw a clock out the window? Garry Trudeau: Because he had Alzheimer's. Hahahahahahaha. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Fourth Runner-Up: Where does an 800-pound gorilla sit? Dan Quayle: I saw a gorilla once when I went to the zoo. (Ivan Wasserman, Washington) Third Runner-Up: Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? Roy Black: First, there is no window. Second, the window was closed at the time in question. Third, there was and is no clock, and finally, my client -- the true victim in this case -- was incapable of understanding that it was wrong to throw the clock out the window because, as you yourself have already conceded, he is a moron ... (Dan Kaplan, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? Dan Quayle: Anywhere he wants to! (Russ Beland, Springfield) First Runner-Up: Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? Louis Farrakhan: There are 12 numbers on the clock. The phrase "throw the clock" has 13 letters. The phrase "thirteen letters" has 15 letters. The phrase "fifteen letters" has 14 letters! See? (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) And the winner of the Civil War poop: Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? Chris Webber: Oh, very subtle. I can't believe you guys are still on my case for that lousy timeout. (Stephen A. Simon, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? Hunter Thompson: Because the drug-addled waterhead had just gobbled up a whole jimson weed and was beyond the help of God's own amount of Thorazine. The poor fool thought the grandfather clock was actually his grandfather, who presumably needed saving after the mattress had been set on fire in a cherry-bomb experiment gone sour.(Jose Cortina, Centreville) Jerry Seinfeld: What's with that word "moron"? I mean, if someone is dumb, shouldn't it be "less on"? (Drew Knoblauch, Roanoke) Oliver Stone: We may never know. But we know that he did not act alone. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Dan Quayle: It wasn't a clock. It was his watch. And he didn't throw it. It just sort of slid off his wrist. Since he was a Republican, the liberal media of course turned it into this big clock thing, which if you ask me, is just one more example of the real morons calling the kettle black. (David Ronka, Charlottesville) Why do firemen wear red suspenders? James Michener: Over 2,000 years ago Augustus, emperor of Rome, formed a group he called the vigiles. These men were charged with the responsibility of patrolling the streets of Rome as a police force. They also watched for fires. The subsequent evolution of fire fighting is, unfortunately, not well documented until after 1666. That year brought a conflagrative tragedy of immense proportions to London, England. The Great Fire of London, as it came to be called, left thousands of people homeless and destroyed much of the city. Its influence, however, was even greater, as the fire caused the insurance companies to demand that organized fire fighting groups be established. (Firemen wear red suspenders because geese mate for life, but you don't discover the reasons why until Chapter 23.) (Carolyn Perry, Hamilton, Va.) Lassie: Red? It looks black to me. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Robert F. Kennedy: Some men see firemen wearing red suspenders and ask why. I see firemen with their pants around their ankles and ask why not? (Drew Knoblauch, Roanoke) John Travolta: To support their pants, just as I will support the children of the late Princess, Diana (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Frank Sinatra: Beats me. Let's go find some broads. (Stephen R. Fahey, Kensington) How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Jean-Paul Sartre: It does not matter. We shall remain forever in the dark. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Ron Carey: None. That's a union job. (Robert and Lydia Faulkner, Fairfax) Ken Starr: Just give me three years and $23 million and I'll find out how many of the guilty scum it takes. (David Genser, Arlington) Where does an 800-pound gorilla sit? Frank McCourt: I thought to myself, a better question would be, "What's a huge fat gorilla doing in the streets of Limerick to begin with?" But before I can think of an answer the coal cart knocks the gorilla on his arse and kills him entirely, and Malachy and me drag the great ape home and we eat him the same night and "Jaysus," says Mam, "I'd never wish ill harm to one a God's creatures, but if there's only a few more gorillas as dumb as this poor beast wanderin' the streets maybe the boys and I can survive until Dad gets a notion to stop takin' each week's wages to the pub" (Dan Kaplan, Arlington) Neville Chamberlain: Wherever it wants to. It is not our concern. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) John Kent Cooke: Well, I could give him a deal on some luxury suites and skyboxes. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.; Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Plato: Woof woof. Oh, wait. That's Pluto. (David Genser, Arlington) Bill Clinton: On the Supreme Court, if his contribution is large enough. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: Chuck Smith of Woodbridge: On an absolutely huge toilet seat. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Next Week: Roots ====================================================================== WEEK 238, published October 5, 1997 Week 238: CHALK IT UP TO STUPIDITY The Fifth Amendment does not cover burping. I will not call my teacher hotcakes. I will not fake seizures. I will not eat things for money. Underwear should be worn on the inside. This Week's Contest was suggested by several computer geeks who discovered, on the Internet, a list of all the transgressions that Bart is apologizing for on the blackboard during the opening credits of "The Simpsons." At the top are some examples. Your challenge is to propose similar blackboard apologies for yourself. The wackier the better. First-prize winner gets an Elvis wall clock. (The swiveling legs are the pendulum.) This is worth $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 238, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. What kind of a name is Genser, anyway? It sounds like something that might have a head full of pus! "Oy, I got such a nasty genser on my pupick." Next week: Hemingway Ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 235, in which you were invited to produce fractured etymologies for common expressions. This proved tougher than we expected. There were hundreds of fabulous beginnings ("In ancient Babylonia, if a king died without an heir, the throne went to the man who could spray milk the farthest through his nose ... ") but most of them just ended in painful, humorless puns ("... and people would yell, 'You slurper to the throne!'") Fourth Runner-Up: In the rural South in the mid-20th century, bucktoothed men with bib overalls would use their trucks, usually equipped with gun racks and Astroturf, as a means to attract members of the opposite sex. These became known as "pickup" trucks.(David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) Third Runner-Up: The first company to produce pants in America was Dockers. But for some reason, the company called each one of its product a "pair" of pants. And so any phrase that embodies an internal contradiction is called a "Pair of Docks," which got shortened ... (Eryk Nice, Frederick) Second Runner-Up: When the Three Stooges were shooting, the script would often read "Mo Howard's turn." In a foreshortened form, this has metamorphosed into a term referring to something that women find disgusting and men like: "Howard Stern." (Ed Mickolus, Dunn Loring) First Runner-Up: Building the pyramids in Egypt was grueling and dangerous work. Among the slaves there was great solidarity; whenever one stumbled and began to fall down the steep face of the monuments, the other slaves would reach out a hand to save him. Occasionally, however, one of the slave drivers would lose his footing. Instead of reaching out a hand, a slave would nonchalantly extend a single digit as the cruel slave master went tumbling to his death. This became known as "giving the finger." (Robin D. Grove, Columbia) And the winner of Elvis Milk Bath: With the invention of sushi, the craze for eating raw fish swept through ancient Japan, and the fresher the better. Excitedly, people began holding worms or beetles in their teeth and dunking their heads into the sea, hoping to attract a live fish and consume it instantly. This was called "waiting with baited breath." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Honorable Mentions: During the Great Depression, many Midwestern farmers were so mistrustful of banks, they hid their savings under hay bales. Sometimes, a cow would find the money and eat it. When the luckless farmer later saw pieces of bills mixed in with cow chips, he would kill himself. Thus, dying became equated with the expression "cash in one's chips." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Shortly after the Civil War, portrait photographers, frustrated because their infant subjects could not follow instructions, discovered that feeding babies a teaspoon of bicarbonate created intestinal bubbles that made them appear to smile. Occasionally this process backfired and the child emitted a malodorous detonation before the portrait was finished. The baby felt better, but it also ceased to smile. This moment disrupted the whole process. Photographers called it "cutting the 'cheese!'." (Roger B. Stone, Gaithersburg) In early Scotland, fasting ascetics who wished to socialize went to pubs where really dreadful food was served so they would not be tempted to break their fasts. Hence today we have establishments known as "fast-food restaurants." (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) Tradesmen in illiterate medieval Europe could not advertise their wares with signs, so by law they were required to attach an object to the shoulder of their tunics to attract attention; an onion for a grocer, a taxidermized mouse for an exterminator, a writ of mandamus for a lawyer, etc. This also served as a convenient index to the socioeconomic class of the person wearing such a symbol, which was good for the doctor and lawyer but not so good for the humbler tradesmen. They often objected indignantly, particularly the manure-seller, who resented the "chip on his shoulder." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Napoleon's chef was famous for producing gourmet meals, even during the heat of battle. The night of the battle of Marengo, for example, he produced what came to be known as Chicken Marengo simply by serving pan-fried chicken and tomato over stale pasta. His ingenuity became known as "using the old noodle." (Russ Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Calling the Toon ====================================================================== WEEK 239, published October 12, 1997 Week 239: Name That Toon This Week's Contest was proposed, sort of, by Jacob Weinstein, who wins a fling toy made of realistic-feeling mutant fingers ("The Flinger -- It's a Genetic Disaster!"). Jacob, who lives in Los Angeles, reads the Invitational on the Web, at www.washingtonpost.com. Unfortunately, the Invitational on www.washingtonpost.com is limited to words: No artwork is included, which is something of a problem every time we run a contest based on interpreting illustrations. Jacob submitted captions anyway. "This gives me a huge advantage over people who had to look at the stupid cartoons," he said. Indeed, his captions were excellent. This got us thinking about what a splendid idea blind entries are. Alas, though, we are at the end of an era: Soon, washingtonpost.com will display the whole Invitational, art and all. So this week, we had Bob Staake draw five new cartoons, labeled A through E. We have them right here, in the Style Invitational treehouse. We are looking at them right now. They are marvelous! We won't show them to you. Send us the captions. We will print the cartoons for the first time when we print the winners. Yes, this is hard, maybe the hardest contest to date, so we are going to offer one of our best inducements ever: First-prize winner gets a shark fetus, bottled in formaldehyde. It is worth $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt, except for first runner-up, who gets the highly prized Style Invitational Loser's pen. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 239, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. "Roy." "Yeah, Roy who?" "Roy Ashley," said the man pushing the mop."Yeah? From where?" "Washington. Filthtown." "So what of it?" "The ear. He wrote it." "Yeah? What's it to me?" Next week: Faulkner Ear Credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 236, in which you were asked to supply captions to any of five cartoons we provided. Several persons said of Cartoon D that it illustrated the perils of licking a frozen computer screen; multitudinous others saw it as a moron attempting to lick the stamp on an e-mail. Fourth Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) A monitor lizard, of course. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) Barney regrets telling his wife, "I'm sick of all the damned health food you've been making, so I damned well better get a big steak tonight."(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) The Pac-Man paint-by-number set never got off the ground. (Mike Genz, La Plata) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon C) Sorry, Gladys, but they already did a show about a housewife and a Cuban with a band. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) And the winner of the severed human head: (Cartoon D) Gordon misunderstands the concept of "laptop." (Hank Wallace, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: A computer-enhanced watermark from Area 51 stationery, but you did not hear this from me. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) The complete U.S. tax code under President Steve Forbes. (Jim Reid, Sterling; Steve Bonner, Hanover, Md.) Directions to the annual convention of the American Obscurantists and Surrealists Association. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) This clock is indicating that it is "one of." See, when people ask me the time, I tell them "It's one of," and then they ask me "One of what?" and I say, "One of the reasons you should get a watch." Hahaha. Okay, forget it. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) These results represent the response to our latest poll on apathy. Out of 1,000 people polled, five said apathy is nonexistent in America, and the other respondent said he had no opinion. (Brian Berryhill, Glengary, W.Va.) Cartoon B: Bob Staake hides a subtle reference to his name in every drawing. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Androcles discovers that the lion is an ingrate. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) What happens when you break up with Peg o' My Heart. (Marge Jackman, Alexandria) The wrong way to give a wedgie. (Susan Reese, Arlington) A divorce lawyer, Ron went to great lengths to prove he was not a bloodsucker. (Michael W. Baird, Derwood) One of the four survivors of the great Hoboken Stake Factory explosion back in '43. (Michael W. Baird, Derwood) Cartoon C: Maria was not about to start another fire smoking in bed. (David Genser, Arlington) Cartoon D: More evidence that the Pamela Lee screen saver reduces monitor dust buildup. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Wallace misread the "click here" instructions. (Ken Huck, Fairfax) Just one of the many ways computers get viruses. (Russ Beland, Springfield) The czar carefully screens an entry for taste. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Cartoon E: An academic from the Quayle Center for Advanced Studies puzzles over how Big Square Thing on Top of Small Round Thing National Monument got its name. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) At the "Cliches in the Workplace" convention, Arthur discovers his project was stonewalled, but became the cornerstone of the whole campaign because it was right on the ball. Not shown: The flagpole upon which it was run up. (Marilyn Schuman, North Potomac) Investigators find shoddy repairs at D.C. schools; some foundations, for example, were patched with giant gum balls. (Susan Reese, Arlington) The new House on Casters has shaken the mobile home industry to its foundations. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Ask Backward ====================================================================== WEEK 240, published October 19, 1997 Week 240: Adding Insult "Over the years, if there is any false witness to be borne, William F. Buckley Jr. can usually be counted on to shoulder the burden." -- Gore Vidal on William F. Buckley Jr. "And where does she find them?" -- Dorothy Parker on Clare Boothe Luce, upon hearing the famous playwright was always kind to her inferiors. "She is the proverbial good time had by all." -- Richard Harrington on Madonna This Week's contest was proposed by Michael Farquhar, who worked for years as the Style Invitational flunky before he received a promotion. Now he is the Horizon section flunky. Why, in a few years, if Michael keeps his nose to the grindstone, he might rise to be chief executive Washington Post urinal attendant! Michael proposes that you come up with elegant insults directed at any famous person, living or dead, such as the real encomiums above. The insults, delivered by you, must be withering, but executed with backhanded panache. First-prize winner gets a plastic Popeil Donut Maker, still in the box ("Press Plunger Then Release for Perfectly Formed Donuts -- Eliminates Rolling, Cutting and Forming Donuts by Hand"). It was manufactured around 1961. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 240, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Jonathan was lean but not too lean, not spare so much as sparse, the sort of man who carried a brown leather wallet and would accept a ride from the sort of man who would name a horse Willie, (which is not to say a gentleman, though one might find such a man who might well be a gentleman notwithstanding) and who distinguished himself from the dumber though nobler species with a fancy surname, which is to say a last name, which in some cases may also be a first name, which might borrow shamelessly from the grandeur of a saint, which might be, as it happens in the instant case, Paul. Next week: Seinfeldian ear credit. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 237, in which you were asked to write Jeopardy! answers to any of 12 questions we supplied. For the answer "Sixteen paparazzi and a mohel," several people suggested: "Who are seventeen people who act on tips?" Many others chided us for what they thought was a typo. "You meant motel, not mohel," they informed us. No, we meant mohel. If you don't know the difference between a mohel and a motel, remind us not to have you make reservations for us. For the answer "A fish named Marvin," many, many people asked "What's really responsible for all those ugly wounds on Pocomoke River fish?" Sixth Runner-Up -- Answer: A fish named Marvin. Question: What's the only fish that doesn't really mind being in fishnet? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: Hitler, Pol Pot, Satan and Marv. Question: What are four names you'll never see followed by the word "Boulevard"? (David Ronka, Charlottesville) Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Marv, but not a paparazzo. Question: Whom can you give the slip? (Karen Todd, Bowie; Jose Cortina, Centreville) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Sixteen paparazzi and a mohel. Question: What's more fun than 16 Christians and a lion? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Sixteen paparazzi and a mohel. Question: Name seventeen people who are always looking for "a little skin"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up -- Answer: Sixteen paparazzi and a mohel. Question: What was the greatest hit of Tennessee Ernie Finkenbaum? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the Richard Nixon stamps: Answer: Hitler, Pol Pot, Satan and Marv. Question: Name two mass murderers and two horny devils. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Honorable Mentions: A PAPARAZZO'S CONSCIENCE What can disappear in a flash? (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) What is the only thing smaller than a sportscaster's vocabulary? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) SIXTEEN PAPARAZZI AND A MOHEL Whose work involves capturing a slice of life? (David Genser, Arlington) Who probably cut off princess Diana, and who definitely cut off Marv Albert? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Who are seventeen people who should not attempt to do their jobs on a motorcycle at high speeds? (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) BECAUSE A PAPARAZZO WAS UNAVAILABLE Why was a crash-test dummy used to reenact Diana's accident? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) ONLY MARV AND ELEANOR ROOSEVELT Who could possibly make a less alluring Victoria's Secret model than Helmut Kohl? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) MARVIN GARDENS Where do they grow snapdragons? (Ned Bent, Herndon) What is a hotel on which Monopoly property offers hourly room rates? (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) MOSES, JESUS, BUDDHA and a PAPARAZZO Which three great religious figures met Diana at the gates of Heaven, and what was stuck to the soles of one of their shoes? (David Genser, Arlington) HITLER, POL POT, SATAN and MARV Who are four people who have never announced a Knicks game while wearing men's underpants? (Saul J. Singer, Silver Spring) In Hell's most popular Double Dutch chant, what comes before "Steal babies' milk and watch them starve"? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) A PAPARAZZO'S GRAVE Where can a tabloid reporter always go to dig up something sleazy and disgusting?(Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) A FISH NAMED MARVIN What is the name of the next sequel to "Jaws"? (Robin D. Grove, Columbia) What do you get when you cross a garter snake with a barracuda? (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Next Week: Chalk It Up to Stupidity ====================================================================== WEEK 241, published October 26, 1997 Week 241: Can You Beat This? Tennessee Oilers Too Slick For Redskins, 28-14 In a Waltz, Tennessee Steps Over Clumsy Redskins Packers Can Dolphins This Week's Contest was suggested by last Monday's newspaper. The two headlines at the top appeared on Page A1 of The Post and Page 1 of the Sports section. They are examples of the brilliant but sometimes ludicrous art of the Sportsverb. Sports editors spend their pitiful lives writing headlines that must impart the predictable information that one group of mesomorphs has defeated a second group of mesomorphs in an athletic contest. So desperate are these editors to make these headlines interesting and different that they keep finding new and colorful synonyms for the verb 'to beat.' (Mariners Gut Marlins, etc.) This week's contest is to come up with similar headlines describing the defeat of one pro team by another. (See team list below.) For purposes of this contest, a team may leap the confines of its sport to vanquish a team in another sport. First-prize winner gets a vintage Pee-wee Herman talking doll. The talking mechanism is broken. When you pull the string, Pee-wee just squeals like a delighted eunuch. (Maybe the talking mechanism is not broken.) It's worth $50. Special note: The deadline for submission of entries to Week 240 is hereby extended to this Friday because of technical difficulties the nature of which we will not here disclose for fear of embarrassing the famed Washington Post Computer Experts, who appear to have inadvertently re-routed all incoming e-mail to a single dental hygienist in the Azerbaijan Republic. It's up and running now. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 241, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. I drove through Gaithersburg the other day, met a guy with his name stitched over the breast pocket of his bib overalls. It said 'Tom.' I ask him if he knows where the mayor is. He says, 'I am the mayor.' Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 238, in which you were asked to come up with Bart Simpson variety blackboard promises, for yourself. Third Runner-Up: I will stop telling my children that every third Brussels sprout has a Tootsie Roll center. (Ellen Dean, Frederick) Second Runner-Up: I am not a licensed gynecologist. (Howard A. Walderman, Columbia) First Runner-Up: On airplanes, I will not program the screen saver on my laptop to display "COMMENCING DETONATION SEQUENCE." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the Winner of the Elvis wall clock: I will stop asking strange men to pose nude for me. Or at least I will pretend to draw something.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Backstabbing is just an expression. (John Kammer, Herndon) I will stop disguising myself as a 100-year-old man so I can make lascivious remarks to the check-out girls. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) I shall endeavor to eliminate all pretension from my writing, n'est-ce pas? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Vasectomies should be performed only by trained professionals. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) It is "Hello, Mr. President," not "Tremble before me, puny mortal." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Taking off my clothes does not render me invisible. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Decolletage is not a weapon. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) I will not shine a Mag-Lite in a police officer's eyes as he approaches the car at night. (David Vierling, Gaithersburg) No means no, especially after she has dialed 911. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) Skydiving should always be voluntary. (Fil Feit, Annandale) "Swearing in open court" is not what I thought. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I will not use crack, have sex in prison visiting rooms, take lavish overseas trips at taxpayer expense, or use an assumed name. (John Smith, Washington; Russ Beland, Springfield) I will not keep sticking my arm in the door just to hear that sexy dominatrix say "Doors closing, please stand clear of the doors." (Russ Beland, Springfield) I will not call 911 when I cannot find "King of the Hill" in my TV Guide. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) I will not sphroxify gullible people into looking up fictitious words in the dictionary. (Russ Beland, Springfield) I will not forget to set the photocopy machine back to the one-sided single copy setting, so the next user does not suffer from "Sorcerer's Apprentice" syndrome. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) An orifice is not sufficient for show and tell. (Tony Sebro, Ann Arbor, Mich.) Using the pen name Jennifer Hart, though successful for lo these many years, is dishonest. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) I will stop thinking "Thirty days hath November, May, July and December." I hope you will too, now. (Loretta Gladsen, Washington) I will not send a pizza delivery to the person in the front pew of the Washington National Cathedral during services. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) "Nice rack" is not a good icebreaker. (Drew Knoblauch, Roanoke) An au pair should be allowed to shower in peace. (David Genser, Arlington) When company comes, I will not use those paper toilet seat covers for place mats. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) I will not hop on one foot and yell in pain whenever a car passes me close by in the parking lot. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) My dog cannot be the designated driver. (Susan Reese, Arlington) I will not drag suspects into a fake courtroom and have them sentenced to death in order to coerce them into talking. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) I will not gamble on the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) I will stop casting aspersion on West Virginia because I know that to Senator Rockefeller, them's fightin' words, by jiminy. (Robin D. Grove, Columbia) And Last: The FBI does not care that the Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads has mysteriously disappeared. (David Genser, Arlington) Next Week: Name That Toon Hockey: Boston Bruins, Buffalo Sabres, Carolina Hurricanes, Montreal Canadiens, Ottawa Senators, Pittsburgh Penguins, Florida Panthers, New York Islanders, New Jersey Devils, New York Rangers, Philadelphia Flyers, Tampa Bay Lightning, Washington Capitals, Chicago Blackhawks, Dallas Stars, Detroit Red Wings, St. Louis Blues, Toronto Maple Leafs, Phoenix Coyotes, Anaheim Mighty Ducks, Calgary Flames, Colorado Avalanche, Edmonton Oilers, Los Angeles Kings, San Jose Sharks, Vancouver Canucks. Baseball: Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, Detroit Tigers, New York Yankees, Toronto Blue Jays, Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Royals, Milwaukee Brewers, Minnesota Twins, Anaheim Angels, Oakland Athletics, Seattle Mariners, Texas Rangers, Atlanta Braves, Florida Marlins, Montreal Expos, New York Mets, Philadelphia Phillies, Chicago Cubs, Cincinnatti Reds, Houston Astros, Pittsburgh Pirates, St. Louis Cardinals, Colorado Rockies, Los Angeles Dodgers, Sand Diego Padres, San Francisco Giants. Men's Basketball: Boston Celtics, Miami Heat, New Jersey Nets, New York Knickerbockers, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Washington Wizards, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Houston Rockets, Minnesota Timberwolves, San Antonio Spurs, Utah Jazz, Vancouver Grizzles, Atlanta Hawks, Charlotte Hornets, Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Detroit Pistons, Inidana Pacers, Milwaukee Bucks, Toronto Raptors, Golden State Warriors, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, Phenix Suns, Portland Trail Blazers, Sacramento Kings, Seattle SuperSonics. Women's Basketball: Charlotte Sting, Cleveland Rockers, Houston Comets, Los Angeles Sparks, New York Liberty, Phoenix Mercury, Sacramento Monarchs, Utah Starzz, Atlanta Glory, Colorado Xplosion, Columbus Quest, Long Beach StingRays, New England Blizzard, Philadelphia Rage, Portland Power, San Jose Lasers, Seattle Reign. Soccer: Columbus Crew, Colorado Rapids, Dallas Burn, New England Revolution, NY/NJ MetroStars, Tampa Bay Mutiny, Kansas City Wizards, Los Angeles Galaxy, Washington D.C. United, San Jose Clash. Football: New York Giants, Dallas Cowboys, Washington Redskins, Philadelphia Eagles, Arizona Cardinals, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears, San Francisco 49ers, Carolina Panthers, St. Louis Rams, New Orleans Saints, Atlanta Falcons, Miami Dolphins, New England Patriots, New York Jets, Buffalo Bills, Indianapolis Colts, Jacksonville Jaguars, Pittsburgh Steelers, Baltimore Ravens, Tennessee Oilers, Cincinnati Bengals, Denver Broncos, Kansas City Chiefs, Seattle Seahawks, Oakland Raiders, San Diego Chargers. ====================================================================== WEEK 242, published November 2, 1997 WEEK 242: SACRED COW PIES The Girl Scouts? If Safeway charged $5 for a box of 6 cookies, they'd be nailed by the FTC. This Week's contest was inspired by several letters we have recently received complaining that we take cheap shots at easy targets like West Virginians and the D.C. government. So this week we invite you to take cheap shots at sacred institutions only, places and things that are so noble and wholesome that they are beyond reproach. You may choose from among these: Motherhood, Apple Pie, God, Love of the United States of America, Ethnic Diversity, Trick-or-Treating, Marital Fidelity, the Girl Scouts, the United Way, Lou Gehrig, "It's a Wonderful Life" and The Washington Post. Your cheap shot must be accomplished in 75 words or fewer. First-prize winner gets a framed original painting on black velvet. It depicts a matador either fighting a bull or urinating on it. We asked Washington Post art critic Paul Richard to come up with the most complimentary possible one-word review of this work of art. He said `Bull.' Anyway, it is worth $49.49, the price that is penciled on the back of the frame. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 242, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov.10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Correction: Because of a typographical error, last week's fine print neglected to indicate in which literary style this week's Ear Credit would be written. The credit for the ear, which was written by John Kammer of Herndon, Virginia, is written in the straight-ahead, humorless style of the Washington Post Page Two Correction Box. The Washington Post regrets the error. Next week: Chaucerian Ear Credit. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 239, in which we asked you to write captions for cartoons we had, but did not show you. The results are astonishing. We cannot explain them, except to note that there were thousands of entries, including hundreds of funny ones that did not fit the cartoons at all and were therefore discarded. We need to emphasize that Bob Staake drew and faxed in these seven cartoons before the contest was announced; we have the dated fax (Oct. 8) to prove it. The czar kept the drawings in a locked office, and no other actual living sentient human being saw them prior to the publication deadline. Unlike most weeks, we have done no editing of the entries at all: These are exactly as they came in. (We did feel free to decide which entry applied to which cartoon.) Third Runner Up -- Cartoon C: Gina had always thought that "mother lode" meant something else. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Second Runner-Up -- Cartoon F: Take Our Anacondas to Work Day turned out to be a bit of a disaster.(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) First Runner-Up -- Cartoon A: The virility token worked, but unfortunately Karl was a shepherd. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the shark fetus -- Cartoon E: My Psychic Telephone Pal foretold that this would be a cartoon of a prairie dog coughing up a pastrami sandwich. Please send me the grand prize right away. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: Eddie wasn't entirely disappointed with the results of his "personals" ad. (Al Samples, Columbia) Everything really does taste better outdoors. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Cartoon B: Improperly flung tuna can lead to back woes. (J.S. Raffensparger, Laurel) Double dating with Marv, are we? (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) James failed to read the fine print on the canned tuna revealing that some people eating this product may develop an appearance of a giant fish. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Cartoon C: Donald Graham, at left, speaking at the American University Journalism forum, decries sloppy journalism, such as pictures and captions that don't match. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Despite having no feet, Pat "got around." (Russ Beland, Springfield) Cartoon D: There is cross-dressing, and there is cross-dressing with panache. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The new "Annie II" definitely seemed to lack something. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cartoon E: This cartoon differs from Cartoon B in at least five ways. Can you find them? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Another reason to cover your mouth when you cough. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Cartoon F: "Gee," thought Roger. "The caption to this cartoon sure sucks." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Staake was fired immediately after the editor discovered the enormous penis concealed in this sketch. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Cartoon G: It was one more sign to Henry that it was not going to be an amicable divorce. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It was the same old terrifying nightmare, but at least he wasn't naked this time. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) At his therapist's suggestion, Bill Weld acts out his feelings toward Jesse Helms. (David Genser, Arlington) The IRS gets tough on another late filer. (David Genser, Arlington) Norm had been warned of the reputation of this new dentist and thus had prepared by placing a full set of false dentures in his mouth before the visit. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Next Week: Adding Insult ====================================================================== WEEK 243, published November 9, 1997 Week 243: Verse Than Ever Of Diana 1961-1997 A shining light has dimmed now from our midst. Good Diana, plucked by avarice. We stand by too tolerant indeed Of paparazzi's ruthlessness and greed. So loved was she by masses -- so enthralled We gave no pause when 'mercy, please' she called. But dry as sponges left out in the sun, We rushed to soak up ink when press was run. Ambassador of hope to them in need, Endurer of devastation and of scorn. Undaunted by ordeal of royal divorce, Loving mother, tender, guiding force . . . . . . The princess, long for privacy did plead, At last, our fair Diana, finally freed. Weep ye for Roy Lichtenstein His untimely death is a real kick in the spleen This Week's Contest was inspired by the poem, excerpted above, that we received in the mail. It was written most earnestly by a New Hampshire woman named Shari, who shipped it to newspaper editors around the country in the hope that someone would print it. Congratulations, Shari, you made the Washington Post! We hereby declare 'Of Diana' to be the worst poem ever written in the English language, including commercial jingles from the 1940s, Burma Shave signs, and fourth-graders' Mother's Day cards. We have run a Bad Poetry contest before, but this poem got us thinking about how awful prose is made all the worse when it is mawkish and oversentimentalized. Accordingly, this week's contest is to write a rhyming poem of two to eight lines as a tribute to someone famous who died in 1997, the more awful the better. We will particularly value rhymes that thud, and exremes of emotion and sentiment. Here is a partial list of people who bit the dust: Mike Royko, Jacques Cousteau, Pamela Harriman, Jack Kent Cooke, James Michener, Duke Zeibert, Gianni Versace, John Denver, Mother Teresa, Roy Lichtenstein, Jimmy Stewart, Robert Mitchum, The Notorious B.I.G. First-prize winner gets a huge bronze-and-plastic duckpin bowling trophy awarded by Optimist International club to one Wally Powell in 1941. (Do we score the best stuff, or what?) First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 243, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Beholde the eyre, ere ire are our heir / John Kammer pen'd it wolde fayr, e'er theyre. Next week: Biblical Ear Credit. Employees of the Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 240, in which you were asked to write elegant insults of famous people. Fourth Runner-Up: He has something John D. Rockefeller and Howard Hughes never had -- the ability to be the richest man in the world and boring at the same time. (Russ Beland, Springfield, on Bill Gates) Third Runner-Up: Guys like them put the "goober" in gubernatorial. (Sandra Hull, Arlington, on Fife Symington and Jim Guy Tucker) Second Runner-Up: His strong suit appears to be a polyester blend. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon, on Bill Gates) First Runner-Up: He doesn't have to worry about that anymore. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia, on Woody Allen's comment that he wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have him as a member.) And the Winner of the plastic Popeil doughnut maker: His influence doesn't spread, it metastasizes.(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington, on Rush Limbaugh) Honorable Mentions: He is statuesque. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington, on Al Gore) The camera used to love her. Now she's suing for alienation of affection. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, on Elizabeth Taylor) He displays all the insouciance of a mortician doing the macarena. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y., on Al Gore) She makes up for being fat by being mean. (Jeffrey Fenster, Bethesda, on Roseanne) He never met a blond, blue-eyed, non-Jewish, non-Catholic, non-handicapped heterosexual German he didn't like. (Suzanne Fregly, Fort Washington, on Adolf Hitler) She is an entertainment legend who needs no introduction, but who will insist. (David Genser, Arlington, on Diana Ross) He is Howard Stern without the subtlety. (David Genser, Arlington, on the Greaseman) I am so glad we have her to tell us what is good literature. Now I don't have to depend on Reader's Digest anymore. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, on Oprah Winfrey) Oh, the perennial search for self! (Patrice Kyger, Free Union, Va., on O.J. Simpson's quest to find the real killer) And he didn't even have to grow up! (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex., on Bill Clinton's growing up to be president) The depth of his character was perfectly captured by Mobius. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex., on Prince Charles) As empty as Capone's vault. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex., on Geraldo Rivera) How unfortunate that he did not have the opportunity to make Mother Teresa's funeral as entertaining. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex., on Elton John) The ears have been unkind to him. (Paul J. Crystal, Arlington, on Ross Perot) Pants down, he has been the greatest president of the late 1990s. (Russ Horner, Arlington, on Bill Clinton) How comforting it is to know that each of us, in his deepest, darkest hour of trial, can call for help by speaking a single name. Travolta. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville, on John Travolta) As an actor, he towers over Herve Villechaize. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, on Steve Guttenberg) He is such a magician, only he could turn two gold-digging bimbos into cultural icons. (Chuck Snowdon, Arlington, on Donald Trump) He still rocks, but mostly in his chair. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, on Keith Richard) History will record his mastery of two kinds of timing: good and two. (Philip Vitale, Arlington, on Bill Clinton) He is an inspiration for us all to consider early retirement. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon, on Mick Jagger) Next Week: Can You Beat This? ====================================================================== WEEK 244, published November 16, 1997 Week 244: Hyphen the Terrible ad-cast: n. A disreputable radio practice where local disc jockeys yammer on conversationally about how good a certain product is, without disclosing they've been paid to say it. prac-fare: n. The student-designed menu at a cooking school. Often contains ambitious but idiotic combinations of ingredients, such as trout in chocolate sauce. smok-ceiving: adj. Medical term describing the deleterious effect on the lungs of a school-child who inadvisedly enters a teachers' lounge at noon. This Week's Contest: Coin new words, and provide a definition, by combining the first half of a hyphenated word from any story in today's Post with the second half of another hyphenated word in the same story. Indicate which story your words were taken from. The examples above came from today's Miss Manners column. First-prize winner receives a genuine vintage Princess rotary phone, circa 1970, a value of $50. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser's Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 244, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. And it came to pass that The Czar looked upon all that he had wrought, and he saw that it was Good. He smote the Faerie, and it was Good. He defied the Philistines, and it was Good. Now if he can just get out of the Garden of Elden. Next Week: Susan Faludi ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 241, in which we asked you to come up with newspaper headline sportsverbs to describe the defeat of one professional team by another. Many people were disappointed that we did not include college teams; they had some notion of a headline involving the Gamecocks and the Trojans. With 15,000 entries, there were many excellent headlines that were too popular to make prize winners. They included Power Corrupts Senators, Mercury Poisons Dolphins, Nuggets Elude 49ers, Senators Take the Bucks, Senators Pass the Bucks, Flames Roast Ducks, Islanders Survive Hurricanes, Senators Blacklist Reds, Monarchs Abuse Power, Penguins Overcome by Heat, Hurricanes Knock Out Power, Cardinals Beat-ify Saints, and our favorite among these, Senators Off Rockers. And several people suggested some variant of REDSKINS BEAT COWBOYS, 55-3, not because it was funny but because they just, you know, liked the sound of it. Seventh Runner-Up: Chargers Max Out Cards (Mike Hammer, Washington) Sixth Runner-Up: Bears Raze Cubs (Jose Cortina, Centreville) Fifth Runner-Up: Crafty Yankees Hand-Carve Rockers (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: Blues Marooned by Reds (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Third Runner-Up: Rockers Lack Talent to Handle Jazz (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: Detroit Embarrassed by Pacers (Sandra Hull, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Brewers Flattened by Bad Hops (Charlie Myers, Laurel; Steve Fahey, Kensington) And the winner of the vintage Pee-wee Herman talking doll: Jets Bomb Mariners; Sharks Devour Crew (David Genser, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Broncos Roll Slowly Over Los Angeles (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Canadiens Extradite Dodgers(Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Pacers Throw Pistons (Mike Jarvis, Fairfax) Rangers Stun Bears (Mike Genz, La Plata) Broncos Come From Behind, Take Phillies (David Genser, Arlington) 76ers Too Much for 49ers (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Ashley Gum, Herndon) Red Sox Make Penguins Look Foolish (Noah Meyerson, Washington) Vikings Beat Columbus (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.; Dan Unger, Gaithersburg) Senators Enjoy Power Lunch (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bears Drop Nuggets (Russ Beland, Springfield) Bills Overwhelm Chargers (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Senators Nabbed by Sting (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Monarchs Caught in Charlotte's Web (Susan Reese, Arlington) United Grounds Jets (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Senators Can't Handle Press, Overcome by Rage (Jose Cortina, Centreville) Jaguars Outclass Pacers (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Pistons Over Heat (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Flyers Poop on Jets' Beverage Cart (Elaine Carmichael, Manassas) Flames Lick Atlanta (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Wiz Take Pistons (Stephen R. Mundt, Arlington) Pirates Cannonize Saints (Paul Oberg, Silver Spring) Nets Strangle Dolphins (Rebecca Eisenhour, Silver Spring) Bills End Chargers' Spree (Scott Boller, Arlington) Canucks Humiliate Canadiens (Walter Ludwig, Takoma Park) In Coup on Court, Clippers Shave Bucks (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Ducks Marinated (Becky Dimon, Bethesda) Red Sox Run All Over White Sox (Gene Laughridge, Fort Belvoir) Columbus Plunders Indians (Lucian Niemeyer, Alexandria) Patriots Intercept Rockets (Matt Brody, Fairfax) Lasers Perform Cosmetic Surgery on Stars (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Slow Burn Yields to Rage (Phil Herr, Olney) Cardinals Forced to Obey Bulls (Josh Calder, Washington) Redskins Wop Canucks; Next, Face Expansion Honkie Freeloaders (John Verba, Washington) Padres Hit on Penguins (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.) Battered Marlins Fried by Heat (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Rockers Overdose on Reds (Paul Styrene, Olney) Ducks Lick Bills (Andrew M. Cohn, Springfield) Revolution Turns Kings Into Nervous Rex (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Next Week: Sacred Cow Pies ====================================================================== WEEK 245, published November 23, 1997 Week 245: Like Fun 1. Marriage is like a game of Monopoly because 2. Heaven is like a poem that does not rhyme because 3. The human body is like the Eisenhower Administration because 4. Truth is like a mouse because 5. Politics is like the birth of septuplets because 6. Life is like a box of chocolates because 7. Pantyhose is like the cosmos because it seems infinitely expandable This Week's contest is to complete any of the above seven sentences. The contest was suggested by James Reagan of Herndon, who wins a Christmas tree ornament featuring a likeness of the United States Capitol. First-prize winner receives a Christmas card personally autographed by Karolyn Grimes, who played Zu Zu in "It's a Wonderful Life," a collectible of such value as to be priceless. It was donated to The Style Invitational by Earl Gilbert of La Plata, who wins a copy of the Covenant of the League of Nations. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 245, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear, like all the Ears, was written by a man, Dick Furno of Silver Spring. The Ear is a boy's club. A fraternity of losers. Next week: Dave Barry Ear Credit. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 242, in which you were asked to take cheap shots at venerable, wholesome institutions, such as God, Motherhood, the Girl Scouts, Lou Gehrig, and The Washington Post. We love the guy who wrote derisively of The Post: "If you don't get it, your smart." Fifth Runner-Up -- Lou Gehrig: How good could he have been? He didn't even have his own shoe! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Fourth Runner-Up -- Marital Fidelity: Sounds like the name of a bank. And just as much fun, too! (Cissie Owen, Beaumont, Tex.) Third Runner-Up -- God: Who? You mean the deity formerly known as Zeus?(Sandra Hull, Arlington) Second Runner-Up -- The Washington Post: I love watching The Post try to appeal to young readers. It's like your clueless Great Uncle Mel at a family reunion, calling the teenagers "groovy dudes." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) First Runner-Up -- The Washington Post: It proves you can have a circulation without a heart. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) And the winner of the velvet matador: "It's a Wonderful Life": Lessee, the hero runs an underfunded S&L right into the ground? It's the embodiment of traditional American values, all right. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) Honorable Mentions: "It's a Wonderful Life" I liked Bedford Falls the other way. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) That pasty-faced kid, Zuzu or Sulu or whatever the hell her name was -- who was her acting coach, Tweetie Bird? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Its direct descendant is "Touched by an Angel." 'Nuff said. (Noah Meyerson, Washington) The Girl Scouts The last time a girl looked fashionable in one of those uniforms was when Eisenhower was president. Why not put a big sign on them that reads, "Me Big Dufus." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Trick-or-Treating There's nothing wrong with trick-or-treating. It just needs its name updated. Something like, "Nice-House-You-Got-Here-It'd-Be-a-Shame-if-Anything-Were-to-Happen-to-Iting (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Trick-or-treating teaches you can get something for nothing. On Halloween, the adults should soap windows and rub Crisco on cars, and the kids would have to clean it off to get their candy. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Marital Fidelity I'm in favor of it! I am going to practice it! I also plan on having peanut butter sandwiches at every meal, and I'm going to watch the same episode of "Seinfeld" as my only entertainment for the rest of my life. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) If variety is the spice of life, marital fidelity is boiled tofu. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) Lou Gehrig How valuable could the guy be? He only got a $1,500 signing bonus. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Cal Ripken without the charisma. (David Genser, Arlington) Great role model for kids. He's a liar! He has a life-threatening illness, but he says he is the luckiest man on Earth! (Joe Kobyiski, Gaithersburg) Remarkable! He hasn't missed a day of being dead in more than 55 years. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) They make Lou Gehrig out to be such a hero because he dies, but I saw him later in "For Whom the Bell Tolls," "Friendly Persuasion" and "High Noon." That whole death thing was faked. (Paul Alter, Hyattsville) God How come people say it couldn't have happened without God when they achieve success, but they don't say it when they get their leg chewed off in a manure spreader? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia; Paul Alter, Hyattsville) What's with this capitalized pronoun, He? What a pompous ass! (Ed Lamb, Washington) Motherhood How come ever single mass murderer in history, including Adolf Hitler, had a mother? Doesn't that tell us something? (Paul Alter, Hyattsville) The Washington Post It doesn't make a good paper airplane. It keeps veering off to the left. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Let's have a few more stories about your brand-new printing presses! We care so much! (Edward Mickolus, Dunn Loring) They tell me, "If you don't get it, you don't get it." So I subscribed. My sex life hasn't improved at all. What a crock. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) And Last: The Washington Post? Like a real newspaper would ever print anything I wrote! (Joseph Romm, Washington) Next Week: Verse Than Ever ====================================================================== WEEK 246, published November 30, 1997 Week 246: Our Own Devices What do these contraptions do? Choose one or more than one, and tell us in 50 words or fewer. First-prize winner gets a genuine imitation canvas iridescent Joe Camel pool cue caddy with shoulder strap, a $50 value. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 246, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 8. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Alert reader Ann Normansell of Charlottesville (motto: "We make Podunk seem like Paris") sent in today's Ear No One Reads. Next week: Dr. Seuss Ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 243, in which we asked you to write a bad elegy to someone who died in 1997. We were looking for overly maudlin poetry, but the best entries were more witty than woebegone. So we exercised our unchecked dictatorial powers and revised the criteria. Those readers who feel cheated, please form a line to the left and someone will be with you shortly. Most painful rhyme was won hands down by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, writing about Jacques Cousteau: "I believe my earliest memory / Was an after-school special on the sea anemone." Fourth Runner-Up: Jimmy Stewart: He flew the Atlantic And befriended a hare, He went to the Senate And gave them a scare He got an angel his wings And resurrected a plane, But he didn't shoot Liberty Valance, That was John Wayne.(Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) Third Runner-Up: Robert Mitchum earned acting fame, Which will be long-lasting, like the deodorant that bears his name. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: Mike Royko wrote with no buts, ands or ifs. Some anointed him "saint," some cried "heathen." He always took the side of working stiffs And Mayor Daley wanted to kick his teeth in. Now Chicago's lost its jewel, And its broad shoulders are bowed and bleak, For Mike Royko has left his bar stool, And not to just go take a leak. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) First Runner-Up: I feel a dull ache in my head, And long to cry out loud, "What gives?" Knowing Colonel Tom Parker is dead While the man he killed still lives. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of the Princess Phone: Jacques Cousteau: The knit cap lies empty on the deck, The once-proud ship feels like a wreck. At his request, his last remains Will now become the ocean's gains. With tear of eye and roll of drum, We feed the sharks. Farewell, old chum. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) Honorable Mentions: L.O.G. for B.I.G. Biggie died a violent death, His body packed in a grand casket. But B.I.G. was Notorious, His soul left in a handbasket. (Janet K. Galope, Bethesda; Emily Reems and Mike Phillips, Centreville and Annapolis) Pamela Harriman: The Lord at last has called her back From this painful earthly trek. Gently rustles the weeping willow Above the departed's eternal pillow... (Vroni Hovaguimian, Washington) Fate was cruel to Paul Tsongas, Now that he is not among us. What tragic candidential luck To have a voice like Donald Duck (Harold Mantle, Darnestown) You were a real man, Mike Royko, Not like that fop skater, Elvis Stojko. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Mobutu Sese Seko: A man's man was Mobutu He didn't wear no tutu... (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Mother Teresa, You're better than pizza (Jennifer Wildt, Vienna; Ned Bent, Herndon) John Denver: ... Bless this troubador, and may you find it in ya To forgive him for comparing paradise to West Virginia. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) Duke Zeibert: Golden chicken soup made just like mommy, Heart of gold, too, with side of pastrami. Duke and his restaurant, sad dedications, We missed you both without reservations. (Mark A. Robin, Alexandria) Colonel Tom Parker, we loved you tender. But now you've been returned to sender (David Genser, Arlington) Allen Ginsburg is planted like a radish, For him let us tearfully say Kaddish. (Miles D. Moore, Alexandria) And last: Eddie Arcaro: You always rode win, place or show, Your timing was so fine With you in silks we'd always know You'd attack the finish line. You timed your moves in every race, Even in death you were the best Your final move, an act of grace, Corking just in time for this contest (Russ Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Hyphen The Terrible ====================================================================== WEEK 247, published December 7, 1997 Week 247: Black and White and Wed All Over Joey Buttafuoco & Amy Fisher: "You're 16, You're Beautiful and You're Mine" Ray Charles & Terri Gibbs: "Dancing in the Dark" Roseanne & Rush Limbaugh: "I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet" Keith Richards & Courtney Love: "I've Got You Under My Skin" This Week's contest was suggested by Jessica Steinhice of Washington, who wins herself a man. Jessica is now, suddenly, Jessica Steinhice Mathews, and she is now living in Arlington, and she suggests the following contest: Propose the marriage of two people, and the song they should not play at their wedding. The people must be a man and a woman. They can dead or alive, real or fictional. First-prize winner gets a silk pillow from the U.S. Marine Corps featuring the following poem: "When the Golden Sun is sinking / And your heart from care is free / When of others you are thinking / Will you then remember me?" First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser's Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 247, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to altar entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. In a land of the stupid, called Tickle-My-Ear / Lived a man whose dumbness was dumber, I fear / His neighbors were dense, but he was a lot denser / They called him David, old David Genser. Next Week: Agatha Christie ear credit. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 244, in which you were asked to create new words, and define them, by combining two halves of different hyphenated words found in any article in that day's Washington Post. Sixth Runner-Up: Can-scape, n., an NFL huddle, as viewed by a female fan.(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Fifth Runner-Up: Bee-bump-dee-docking, n., the maneuver recently performed by the Mir spacecraft. (Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: Class-trates, v., cuts classes. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Third Runner-Up: Ef-noying, adj., describes the constant and unnecessary use of profanities by stand-up comics. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Au-veys, n., live-in nannies from Tel Aviv. They get Saturdays off. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) First Runner-Up: Preg-town, n., Carlisle, Iowa. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And the winner of the Princess rotary phone: Sex-nipulativeness, n., the ability of women to control men simply by not wearing bras. (Robin D. Grove, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: Insis-ipants, n., describes the condition when a 12-year-old boy is dressed by his mother in a sailor suit. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Ex-uality, n., being attractive to your former spouse. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Metropoli-gist, n., any spokesperson for the D.C. government. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Neigh-in-law, n., those pesky folks next door who have practically taken over your life. (Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Arlington) Lust-sylvania, n., a state whose capital is Feeladelphia. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Neigh-tion, n., horse country. (Richard Stromberg, Front Royal) Exam-cide, n., while taking the SAT, the act of accidentally marking the answers to question #3 in the bubble for question #4, ad infinitum. (David Genser, Arlington) Crimi-lectuals. n., super-smart bad guys, like Dr. Moriarty and Lex Luthor. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Lawmak-eral, n., a fishy attorney; a congressman (Richard Stromberg, Front Royal) Ultra-middle-class, n., a new sub-category in socioeconomics, above upper-middle class, describing those persons who are millionaires, but are just getting by. (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase) Girl-dozen, v., to send your wife or lover flowers to smooth over an argument. "I don't think Shirley is still mad, but I girl-dozened her anyway." (David Genser, Arlington) Condi-birth, n., term for the rare failure of birth control in which a baby is born with a condom on his head. (Andrea Kelly, Silver Spring) Agree-vate, v., to reach consensus that none of the parties likes. (Richard Stromberg, Front Royal) Pro-gle, v., to serve as the official photographer of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Four-scored, v., to have given a dramatic speech, as in "He four-scored the kids about his bad experience with drugs." (Daniel Kravetz, Washington) Cen-ator, n., Strom Thurmond in seven years. (Richard Stromberg, Front Royal) Pow-suasion, n., carpet bombing. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Pub-lems, n., daily gripes that bartenders hear from their customers. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Law-cenies, n., fees charged by attorneys (Richard Stromberg, Front Royal) Perva-gram, n., in the days before the telephone, people would use the telegraph to send obscene messages, like, HEAVY BREATHING STOP HEAVY BREATHING STOP. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Semi-speak, n., the ridiculous voice-over censorship when an R-rated movie is edited for TV, and some toothless street person with scars and tattoos says "oh, darn." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) In-ing, n., when someone in musical theater publicly exposes a heterosexual without his/her consent. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Desper-dog, n., the frantic animal with the full bladder that greets you at the door when you return home after working late. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Interview-lelujah, n. the interview with St. Peter to get into Heaven. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Flat-meter, n., a vandalized District of Columbia parking device. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Vacu-stan, n., the nation with the world's lowest population density. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Pro-bivalent, adj., strongly undecided. (David Genser, Arlington) Incredi-tor, n. an employee of a collection agency who doesn't believe you lost your job and your wife, five kids, mother and father-in-law are in the hospital. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Clas-als, n., group cello lessons. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Cat-stincts, n., having an innate sense of when it is time to change the litter box. (Mike Genz, La Plata) In-came, n., last year's salary. (David Genser, Arlington) Semi-out, n., the ruling of an indecisive umpire. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Histo-date, n., a much older companion. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Shortsighted-crats, n., congressmen (John Kammer, Herndon) Cadil-phalism, n., the notion that big, expensive cars are sexy. (Russ Beland, Springfield) And last: De-net, v., to construct a contest that cannot be entered by Washington expatriates who read The Invitational only through the Internet. Primary examples are cartoon contests, because the Web site does not post cartoons or illustrations, and hyphenation contests, because the Web site word-wraps without hyphenating. (Alex Hoffman, Waltham, Mass) Next Week: Like Fun ====================================================================== WEEK 248, published December 14, 1997 Week 248: STICKER SCHLOCK This Week's Contest is to come up with a message for our new, mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker, something that summarizes the grandeur and dignity of this stupid contest. Above are the bumper stickers from years past. (We cannot forbear mentioning that although thousands of these babies have been mailed out for honorable mentions, we personally have never seen one on an actual automobile. We can only assume you are using them in unusual, creative ways. Send us snapshots. We'll print the best.) First-prize winner of the new slogan contest wins a Hulk Hogan mirror, featuring a huge likeness of the Hulkster that basically renders the mirror useless, as a mirror. This is worth $25. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 248, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. What happened to the Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads? Let us recapitulate. The study was locked, with the key on the inside. All that was left behind was a pair of crutches that would fit a woman of remarkably small stature. Next week: Medical text ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 245, in which you were asked to complete one of several comparisons that we began. Fourth Runner-Up: Marriage is like a game of Monopoly because . . . it ends quicker if you cheat. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: The human body is like the Eisenhower administration because . . . its number two really stinks. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Second Runner-Up: The human body is like the Eisenhower administration because . . . once you reach the late 50s, it's pretty much all over. (Thomas Wallick, Washington) First Runner-Up: Politics is like the birth of septuplets because . . . every November the public will pay attention to it for a few days and then ignore it the rest of the year. (David Genser, Arlington) And the winner of the autographed Zuzu Christmas card: Politics is like the birth of septuplets because . . . there's a sucker born every minute. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Honorable Mentions: Truth is like a mouse because . . . Both are hard to handle without squirming. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Both taste better when sugar-coated.(David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) Both usually come in shades of gray. (Alan Croneberger, Columbia; Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Both are routinely exterminated at the White House. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Politics is like the birth of septuplets because . . . There's going to be a lot of name-calling. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The media can turn a bunch of semi-conscious wrinkled feebs into national celebrities. (Jonathan L. Kang, Washington) Both are very taxing. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Both vastly exaggerate the importance of Iowa. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Both involve Big Labor. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Life is like a box of chocolates because . . . All that's left at the end is a lot of paper to deal with. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) The nuts get the most coverage. (Carol Manson, Leesburg) Zit happens. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Heaven is like a poem that does not rhyme because . . . In neither place will you find that young man from Nantucket. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) The ethereal nature of the non-rhyming poem perfectly captures the intangible quality of its intrinsic reward, and crap like that. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) You know you are supposed to like it, but somehow it just doesn't seem all that appealing. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Final resting place Words can't describe its beauty Hope there's sushi, too. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The human body is like the Eisenhower administration because . . . Both continue to operate pretty well while the head ceases to function. (Ken Huck, Fairfax) The arteries that were new back then are clogged and deteriorating. (Mike Platt, Germantown) After a heart attack, everyone is worried about how "Richard" will perform. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Marriage is like a game of Monopoly because . . . It's more interesting with more than two players. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Deeds speak louder than words. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Your wife gets the car. You get the dog. (Mike Mitchell, Annandale) You go in circles and fight over money. (Noah Meyerson, Washington) You only get a roll every so often. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Marriage is like Monopoly because of the unending, wearying tedium that oh, I thought you said "monotony." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Next Week: Our Own Devices ====================================================================== WEEK 249, published December 21, 1997 Week 249: BAD NEWS, Good News Tornadoes: Help prevent trailer park overcrowding. Athletes Acting Like Jerks: Nike execs have to swallow their swoosh. Illiteracy: Guarantees a steady supply of guests on Jerry Springer. This Week's Contest was suggested by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a can of a Japanese coffee drink named "Mr. B.M." Jean suggests that you supply a silver lining for any scourge or social ill facing America or the world. First-prize winner receives what appears to be a genuine 1964 Russian lapel pin endorsing the presidential candidacy of Barry Goldwater and William E. Miller. We declare this to be a value of $100. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser's Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 249, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Blockage or dysfunction of the eustachian tube is believed to be the pathophysiologic basis for purulent discharge from the ear, suggesting labyrinthitis, fistulization and Beland's Syndrome, which causes extreme pouting and crankiness in adults. Next week: J.D. Salinger Ear Credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 246, in which we showed you several contraptions and asked you to tell us how they worked. Niels Hoven of Silver Spring wins a T-shirt for a bawdy entry that we briefly considered printing until we were informed that the consequences would involve (1) published apologies to the readers by Donald Graham and (2) an abrupt termination of our employment, possibly via the discharge of a firearm. Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon E) It was only a matter of time before they began selling advertising space on the Times Square New Year's Eve countdown ball. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) Alvin asked for the avocado interior in his new Hyundai, but there was a mix-up at the factory. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) Required by law to reduce its electric bills, the D.C. government tries its hand at designing its own power plant. (Tony DiTrapani, Reston; Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) And the winner of the Joe Camel pool cue caddy:(Cartoon B) The septuplets' stork was electrocuted for its crime. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A The eye-catching delivery van of "Bagpipes to Go." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Before Zambonis, they used strombolis. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Some teenagers are so desperate to have their own cars, they'd drive a huge cow teat if it had a steering wheel. (John Kammer, Herndon) Some people who have a bumper sticker that says "My Other Car Is a Piece of Crap" really mean it. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The Model T Gourd. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Cartoon B The first electric rectal thermometers were tested on peacocks. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) After AA complained that the so-called drinking duck perpetual-motion machine encouraged and glorified binge drinking, the manufacturer developed this "dry duck." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Spielberg's first electronic velociraptor was neither realistic nor scary. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cartoon C To operate Dan Quayle's ingenious "Mr. Caramel Maker," just remove the plastic wrap from a caramel, roll it on a flat surface with the palm of your hand until round, then place it into the funnel, and Mr. Caramel Maker does the rest! (Jose Cortina, Centreville) Cartoon D Gives point-and-click access to the entire root directory. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) A very early prototype of the Apple computer. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Cartoon E A mothball for suits of armor. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Detail from Cartoon C. (Paul Laporte and Lee Mayer, Washington) A microwave oven for big round things. (Caution: Place on level surface.) (David Genser, Arlington) Never lose at marbles again! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Insta-Store MallBall. Place MallBall in vacant 15,000-square-foot mall space and plug in the power cord. In just hours a fully stocked, staffed and merchandised Pottery Barn emerges, ready for the busy holiday season. MallBall is also available in Gap, Sbarro and Victoria's Secret. (Janet Galope, Garrett Park) The proverbial ball in a china shop. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Cartoon F An early Depends prototype, complete with ventilation system. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) A prop from the movie "Those Magnificent Men and Their Flying Latrines." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Black and White and Wed All Over ====================================================================== WEEK 250, published December 28, 1997 Week 250: Oh, Great Wouldn't it be great if the next time the stock market takes a big dip, instead of assuring the public that our economy is "fundamentally sound," President Clinton announced he was converting all his savings into rubles? Wouldn't it be great if right before her next TV special, Martha Stewart got a huge, drippy zit right on the end of her nose? Wouldn't it be great if you were at a modern-art opening and all of a sudden the artist, zipping along under the influence of cheap white zinfandel, suddenly exclaimed, "You stupid, rich idiots! Can't you see I couldn't draw my way out of a paper bag?" Wouldn't it be great if it turned out that "Love Story" was really based on the life of J. Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolson? Wouldn't it be great if it were customary to pop cigars into the mouths of newborn babies? This week's contest: Complete the sentence "Wouldn't it be great if . . . " First-prize winner gets a gigantic, vintage 1970s yellow ceramic smiley-face cookie jar with the inscription "Have a Happy Day!" This is worth $30. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 250, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. If you want to know the truth, today's crummy ear was written by John Kammer of Herndon, like anybody gives a crap. Next week: Hallmark card ear credit. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 247, in which we asked you to create a romantic twosome and come up with a song that should not be played at their wedding. -- Fourth Runner-Up -- President Clinton and Paula Jones: "It's Not Unusual" (Pete Levitas, Washington) -- Third Runner-Up -- A couple at the Rev. Sun Myung Moon's mass wedding: "Hello, I Love You (Won't You Tell Me Your Name?)" (Russ Beland, Springfield) -- Second Runner-Up -- John Bobbitt and Christine Jorgenson: "Yes, We Have No Bananas"(Rick Prouser, Lake Oswego, Ore.) -- First Runner-Up -- Henry Cisneros and Linda Medlar: "There's a Kind of Hush" (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring; Cheryl C. Kagan, Rockville) -- And the winner of the Marine Corps pillow: Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head: The theme from "M*A*S*H" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) -- Honorable Mentions: Tammy Faye Bakker and Michael Jackson: "Maybellene" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Adam and Eve: "It Had to Be You" (Russ Beland, Springfield) Liz Taylor and Larry Fortensky: "Catch a Falling Star" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Rin-Tin-Tin and Lassie: "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" or "Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Oedipus and Jocasta: "I Want a Girl Just Like the Girl Who Married Dear Old Dad" (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) John and Patsy Ramsey: "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter" (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Marion Barry and Rasheeda Moore: "The Bitch Is Back" (George Kaye, Silver Spring; Brooks E. Bowers, Gaithersburg) Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin: "Hooked on a Feeling" (Jeff and Veronica Renner, Herndon) Buddy Holly and Amelia Earhart: "Leaving on a Jet Plane (Don't Know When I'll Be Back Again)" (Philip Vitale, Arlington) Richard Nixon and Rose Mary Woods: "Wipeout" (Jim and Dana MacMillan, Silver Spring) Jack Kevorkian and Sunny von Bulow: "You Take My Breath Away" (Jim and Dana Macmillan, Silver Spring; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Julius and Ethel Rosenberg: "Electric Boogie" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Tammy Faye Bakker and Ru Paul: "The Tracks of My Tears" (Carrie Perry, Hamilton, Va.) Java Man and Lucy: "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees" (Michelle and Warren Uhler, Fort Washington) Kurt Stand and Theresa Squillacote: "Do You Want to Know a Secret" (Michelle and Warren Uhler, Fort Washington) John Hinckley and Squeaky Fromme: "Still Crazy After All These Years" (David John DeCouto, Gaithersburg) Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles: "She's Gone" (David Genser, Arlington) Bill Cosby and Shawn Upshaw: "Yessir, That's My Baby" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Sticker Schlock ====================================================================== WEEK 251, published January 4, 1998 Week 251: Quoth the Maven "I regret that I have but one lie to lose for my country." -- M. Larry Lawrence "Don't give up the slip!" -- Marv Albert "Don't worry, be harpy." -- Leona Helmsley "It takes a pillage." -- Saddam Hussein "Walk softly, but marry a big stick." -- Tipper Gore "I'd never belong to a club that would have me as a ember." -- Joan of Arc This week's contest was proposed by Greg Arnold of Herndon, who wins a Troy Aikman dashboard doll. Greg suggests that you take any famous line, change it by one letter only (add, subtract or change a single letter), and reattribute it. First-prize winner gets a vintage 1958 Ike and Mamie commemorative plate, a value of $50. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 251, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. To Witte, With Gravity / We give Comments Laudatory / A Mouth is a Cavity / An Ear Is Auditory. Happy New Year. Next Week: Style Invitational Ear Credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 248, in which we asked you to design our 1998 Style Invitational bumper stickers. But first, some old business. Six months ago, we ran a contest in which we asked you to tell us why you deserved to win a stupid dancing pig. Sarah Worcester of Bowie said that if she got the pig, she would get it a preapproved MasterCard within six months. Sarah didn't win the pig, but she did pique our curiosity. So we sent her a Mikhail Gorbachev doggie squeak toy (pictured) and challenged her to get it a MasterCard. Six months later, to the day, we received a mortified letter from Sarah confessing that she did not get "Mr. R. Gorby" a preapproved MasterCard. She did, however, get it an offer ("By Invitation Only") for a Platinum Plus MasterCard with a credit line up to $100,000 and a low introductory rate of 4.9 percent APR on cash advance checks and balance transfers. R. Gorby also received a letter from Time magazine and American Airlines certifying that "after a month-long selection process" it had been declared eligible to win an all-expenses-paid trip to St. Martin. (The official personalized entry stickers are pictured.) And last, most intriguingly, R. Gorby was also formally invited to the 12th Mid-Atlantic Intelligence Symposium at the Applied Physics Laboratory of Johns Hopkins University on Oct. 29 and 30, 1997. The squeaky toy did not attend. And now, the winning slogans. The winner and runners-up will be made into bumper stickers. Fourth Runner-Up: Official Authorized 1998 Style Invitational Bupmer Sticker.(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Third Runner-Up: My Other Vehicle Is The Style Invitational (Patricia Stansbury, Richmond) Second Runner-Up: No Shirt, Sherlock. (Harold Mantle, Darnestown) First Runner-Up: The Few. The Proud. The Morons. The Style Invitational (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) And the winner of the Hulk Hogan Mirror: sses! We Got New Improved Pre itational The Style Inv (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Honorable Mentions: The Style Invitational: When Sex Is Not an Option (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Lose Face Now -- Ask Me How (S.W. Green, Carlisle, Pa.) "Czar" Is a Four-Letter Word (Michael Genz, La Plata) SIgh (John Oesterle, Burke) Warning! Thousands of unscrupulous drivers are hitting the roads with bumper stickers featuring impossibly long messages in tiny type, in the hope that the car behind them will come up close to read it, after which the driver will slam on the brakes and collect a hefty insurance settlement. Don't be fooled. (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) Get over your road rage, YOU BIG IDIOT! (John Kammer, Herndon; Peyton Coyner, Afton) Where are the Bolsheviks when we really need them? (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Mortified Child/Spouse of a Style Invitational Loser (Amy Fine, Bethesda) Question Curiosity! (Adam Pegler, Germantown) F2 Brute? (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Visualize Crappy Humor (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Practice Random Acts of Braking and Senseless Swerving (Brad Kelly, Bethesda) Czarship Enterprize (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) One Week at a Time (Jim Rooks, Bethesda) Next Week: Bad News, Good News ====================================================================== WEEK 252, published January 11, 1998 Week 252: Make Your Movie SECTION: STYLE; Pg. F02; THE STYLE INVITATIONAL LENGTH: 902 words Marshall Herff Applewhite: The Sterile Cuckoo Dan Quayle: Spellbound Al Gore: Z Harold Stassen: Ran Pamela Lee and Kate Moss: To Have and Have Not This week's contest was proposed by Kitty Thuermer of Washington, who wins an umlaut. Citing the recent flap over whether Al and Tipper Gore were in fact the secret inspirations for "Love Story," Ms. Thurmer suggests that you propose other people who were the secret inspirations for other famous movies. First-prize winners receive an unopened, vintage box of Frosted Flakes ("best if used before March 1994") celebrating the birth of the Colorado Rockies baseball team. The person who sold this to us assured us it is a genuine collector's item, which we hope it is, since the actual cereal inside appears to have settled into a lump the size of an ice cream sandwich. It is worth $20. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 252, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. We wish to thank (Stephen Buchanan, Mt. Airy) for today's Ear No One Reads and to simultaneously humiliate him by pointing out that his name and town are an anagram for "Ach, I Bathe My Unnerpants." Next week: Microsoft Ear Credit. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 249, in which we asked you to choose a scourge of modern society, and find a silver lining. Second Runner-Up -- Scourge: The deaths of Diana and Mother Teresa. Silver lining: They prepared us for the tragedy of the deaths of Chris Farley and Sonny Bono. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up -- Scourge: Capitol Hill gridlock that keeps Congress and the president from doing anything. Silver lining: It keeps Congress and the president from doing anything.(David Pimentel, Bethesda) And the winner of the Barry Goldwater Button: Scourge: Cynicism. Silver lining: It precludes inevitable disappointment in one's fellow man. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: Declining educational standards: You can execute delightfully wicked double-entendres without being penalized for your daring. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The overpublicity over the septuplet births: The mother wasn't Kathie Lee. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Promise Keepers' mass gatherings: Gives their wives time to pack. (Natalia Pane, Washington) Tainted meat: All the flavor with none of the weight gain. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The Redskins always miss the playoffs: The Redskins never lose a playoff game. (David Genser, Arlington) Cowardice: It has saved more lives than modern medicine. (Debbie Blyveis, Arlington) The Woody-Soon-Yi nuptials: Woody's probably sterile by now. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Drug abuse: It guarantees new faces and styles in rock-and-roll. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) A broken leg: At least you're not a horse. (Debbie Blyveis, Arlington) Unsafe toys: You can save them for that special kid. (Debbie Blyveis, Arlington) Prostate trouble: It reduces the need for alarm clocks. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Campaign finance corruption: The sheets in the Lincoln Bedroom get changed more often. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Potholes in D.C. streets: Taypayers aren't charged for speed bumps. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; David L. Elliott, College Park) Proctology: It gives podiatrists something to disparage. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Whitewater: It prompted the media to abandon its "-gate" conceit in labeling scandals. (David Pimentel, Bethesda) Violent crime: Your attacker's book could make you famous. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Adultery and alcoholism: They provide themes for country music. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The death of small businesses and replacement by faceless, sterile, one-in-every-mall chains: Victoria's Secret. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) International terrorism: Cool names like "The Jackal." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Telemarketers: They give you someone to swear at without losing your job or getting punched in the face. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) Starving children in Third World countries: Sally Struthers will always have a job. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) The Yanni concert on WETA pledge drives: It makes you appreciate the pledge breaks. (Kathleen Wagner, Manassas) Latrell Sprewell chokes his boss: Maybe some Orioles will be inspired. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Death: Getting Windows 95 to work properly just isn't important anymore. (Andrew Cohn, Springfield) And Last: Having to suck up to The Czar: Getting to enjoy his comic genius every Sunday in America's finest newspaper! (Russ Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Oh, Great ====================================================================== WEEK 253, published January 18, 1998 Week 253: It's a Pity Contest 1: What is happening in this cartoon? Contest 2: What does this gadget do? Contest 3: Complete this sentence: "What this world really needs is a cheap " Contest 4: Write a four-line poem about the federal budget deficit. This week's contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a "Shootins Toilet Seat," which is a fine novelty item manufactured in Taiwan, featuring an explosive charge. ("Place on Tolite Seat for Aloud Bang Noise.") Entering the contest below, Stephen asked: "Wouldn't it be great if the Style Invitational awarded prizes based not on merit but on pity?" This really appealed to us. Therefore, this week you can enter any or all of the above contests. Winners will be judged entirely on the basis of how pitiful an attempt at humor the entry is. First-prize winner gets a box of Piddlers Toilet Targets, a fabulous new product "designed to improve the urination accuracy of men and boys." It is little floating foam rubber fish. It is worth $10. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational LoserT-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 253, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Kudos to Twittehoudini.tc.army.mil who posted today's ear. Next week: Orwell ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 250, in which you were asked to complete the sentence "Wouldn't it be great if --". But first, a message to the half-dozen cynics who asked if we were playing favorites with (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge), whose winning entry last week made reference to the death of Sonny Bono, even though Sonny died after the deadline for entries to that contest. Chuck's entry, which mentioned only Chris Farley's death, was updated by editors to reflect the news. We are nothing if not current. Actually, we are also tasteless. Tasteless and current. Third Runner-Up: Wouldn't it be great if the "close door" button in an elevator actually had some connection to the operation of the elevator door? (Stephen A. Simon, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Wouldn't it be great if smoking were good for you, yet still annoyed others? (Beth Larson and Jennings Decker, Harrisonburg) First Runner-Up: Wouldn't it be great if His Holiness put some of those gigantic monster truck tires on the Popemobile and bounced his way through crowds, noisily revving the engines and bouncing over obstacles, hand jauntily raised in a blessing? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the winner of the smiley-face cookie jar: Wouldn't it be great if 15 years from now Woody Allen's new wife took his son as her lover? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: Wouldn't it be great if Michael Jackson's kid grew up to look exactly like he used to look? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) they played Hillary Clinton's Grammy-winning tape backward and found that she said, "I buried Paula"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) instead of running out of gas all the time, there were some way to tell when your car was low on fuel? Maybe they could install some sort of beeper. There's plenty of room for it in the dashboard where all those needles and lights and things are. (Russ Beland, Springfield) each of the McCaughey septuplets developed multiple personalities?(Robin D. Grove, Arlington) the next Miss America actually did figure out a way to stop war, famine and prejudice and bring peace to the universe? (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) D.B. Cooper turned out to be Donald Trump? (Sandra Hull, Arlington) you could train your dog to run the vacuum cleaner and cook dinner? Or if you could train your husband and kids to do it? (Susan Reese, Arlington) the FDA's new truth-in-advertising regulations required a vegetarian sub to be actually made from a vegetarian? (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) unruly athletes were permitted to endorse only Kmart brand sneakers? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) when Geraldo Rivera does his first broadcast on NBC, if Tom Brokaw came onto the set and hit him in the face with a chair? (Jan Verrey, Alexandria) when the Super Bowl ends, and all the players are kneeling and praying in a circle at the 50-yard line, God appears and sends the losing team and all its fans to Hell? (Mike Geary, Arlington) there were a Fountain of Middle Age? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Alan Greenspan had to declare personal bankruptcy because he exercised "irrational exuberance" at the racetrack? (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington) when you come up with a withering retort several days after an insult you could travel back in time to deliver it? Oh, sure, it would also be great if you could have thought of it on the spot, but this way you can also play the winning lottery number when you go back. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Pamela Lee had breast reduction to prove she was a serious actress and then no one hired her? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Steve Case's only link to the outside world were through AOL e-mail via a 9600-baud modem? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) instead of jumping under the train, Anna Karenina rigged it to explode if it dipped under 50 mph? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) the remnant subjunctive were to die out, once and for all? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) we could get the lyrics "ox and ass before him bow" out of that Christmas carol? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) every Japanese Tamagotchi virtual-pet chicken in the United States developed the Hong Kong chicken virus? (Robin D. Grove, Arlington) my wife ran off with Bill Gates? (Charlie Myers, Laurel) on any given week, the longest-distance entry was automatically awarded a T-shirt? (Lt. John Choi, McMurdo Station, Antarctica) bumper stickers were legal tender in some faraway country with nice beaches? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) And Last: instead of writing smartass doggerel and competing for ink, all the Style Invitational contestants worked together for society to produce the best gosh darn naaah. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Quoth The Maven ====================================================================== WEEK 254, published January 25, 1998 Week 254: Double Jeopardy! Answer: "She is now in jail, charged with aggravated battery and domestic battery." Question: What happened to the woman who mugged the Energizer Bunny? Answer: "A handkerchief edged in lace, resembling women's panties, to put in a man's breast pocket." Question: What would be a bad birthday present to get President Clinton? This week's contest was suggested by Jacob Weinstein of Los Angeles, who wins the famous Mikhail Gorbachev squeak toy. Jacob proposes that you take any sentence appearing anywhere in today's Washington Post, and make up a question to which it could be a plausible answer. Please specify the story you are quoting. The examples above are taken from today's Ann Landers column. First-prize winner gets a package of unbelievably cheesy Super Bowl XXXII promotional crap put out by Hallmark Cards and sent to newspapers in the hopes it will garner them some nice publicity. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 254, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The clock struck thirteen. Freedom is slavery. Love is hate. Genser wrote the ear. Next week: Ogden Nash ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 251, in which you were asked to change a famous quote by one letter, and reattribute it. Seventh Runner-Up: "What foods these mortals be!" -- Jeffrey Dahmer (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Sixth Runner-Up: "Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just glad to see Mel?" -- Vanessa Perhach to Marv Albert (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) Fifth Runner-Up: "Hey Judge, don't make it bad." -- Terry Nichols (Jose Cortina, Centreville) Fourth Runner-Up: "Some day my prince will cope." -- Queen Elizabeth (Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville) Third Runner-Up: "Ruth is stranger than fiction." -- Barry Aron (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: "Slaughter is the best medicine." -- Saddam Hussein (Sandra Hull, Arlington) First Runner-Up: "Don't give up the shiv!" -- O.J. Simpson (Anne V. Hamilton, Arlington) And the winner of the Ike and Mamie commemorative plate: "Here's looking at your kid." -- Michael Jackson (Meredith Robinson, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: "What am I, chopped lover?" -- John Bobbitt (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring) "Wife's a bitch and then you die." -- Harry Helmsley (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) "All me are created equal." -- Dolly the sheep (David Genser, Arlington) "Perception is realty." -- Donald Trump (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Nice guys finish vast." -- Chris Farley (David Genser, Arlington) "Come up and sue me sometime." -- Bill Clinton (Joseph V. Truhe, Wheaton) "Live long and proper." -- Miss Manners (Susan Reese, Arlington; Tim Vanover, Washington) "I thank, therefore I am" -- Miss Manners (Tom Hamilton, Greenwood; Paul Laporte and Lee Mayer, Washington) "You can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." -- Heloise (Susan Reese, Arlington) "Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 97 percent perspiration." -- Dan Quayle (David Genser, Arlington) "If you don't got it, you don't get it." -- Marla Maples (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) "Two heads are better than none." -- Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI (Murray Claytor, Garrett Park) "I cannot sell a lie." -- Seymour Hersh (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "Take the money and rub." -- Heidi Fleiss (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "Keep on tucking" -- Loni Anderson (Jeff Newman, Hollywood) "Id shall return." -- Sigmund Freud (Kelli Midgley Biggs, Columbia) "There's no U in 'team.'" -- P.J. Carlesimo to Latrell Sprewell (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) "Anybody who hates children and DOS can't be all bad." -- Steve Jobs (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "A wind is a terrible thing to waste." -- Steve Fossett, would-be balloonist (Bella Stander, Charlottesville) "The reports of my depth are greatly exaggerated." -- Dan Quayle (Steven Liu, Charlottesville) "E=mx2" -- David Twenhafel. See, this is funny because C in the original equation denotes a constant, whereas x is the quintessential variable! (Jessica Henig, Takoma Park) "We are not abused." -- The Menendez brothers (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Coke up and see me sometime." -- Marion Barry (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "I made him an offer he couldn't defuse." -- Ted Kaczynski (Larry Kessner, Bethesda; Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Arlington) "Dad as I wanna be." -- Cecil Jacobson (Mike Genz, La Plata) "Old soldiers never diet." -- Norman Schwarzkopf (Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville; D.J. Donegan, Annapolis) "Marry in haste, repeat at leisure." -- Larry King (Sandra Hull, Arlington) "The poop will always be with us." -- Chuck Smith (David Genser, Arlington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "I smell a brat." -- The McCaugheys (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "My kingdom for horse." -- Robert Downey Jr. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Every clod has a silver lining." -- Mrs. Bill Gates (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And Last: "You gotta have Hart." -- Style Invitational Czar (Saul Rosen, Rockville) Next Week: Make Your Movie ====================================================================== WEEK 255, published February 1, 1998 Week 255: Scandal in the Wind This week's contest: Each of these items is somehow related to the current presidential scandal. Tell us how. Choose one or more than one. First-prize winner gets a vintage decorative rug featuring Elvis wearing a lei. It is worth $25. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 255, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The elephant's known for her nose / And not at all for her ear / Which this week is Dick Furno's / From Silver Spring, and here. Next Week: Hunter Thompson ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 252, in which you were asked to identify celebrities who were the secret inspirations for famous movies. As always in weeks with a giant reader response (more than 30,000 entries) we may have inadvertently overlooked some entries that were similar or identical to ones chosen as winners. If you feel cheated, please send us a stamped self-addressed envelope containing a naked photograph of yourself. Several good ideas were too popular to reward with prizes, including "Face/Off" (Michael Jackson), "Father of the Bride" (Woody Allen) and "The Adventures of Baron Munchausen" (Marv Albert). Fifth Runner-Up: "The Curse of the Fly" -- Bill Clinton (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Fourth Runner-Up: "Flubber" -- Gerald Ford (Harold Mantle, Darnestown) Third Runner-Up: "The Naked and the Dead" -- Bill Clinton and Al Gore (Ed Harvey, Ashburn, Va.) Second Runner-Up: "Mame" -- Ted Kaczynski (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) First Runner-Up: "8 1/2" -- Bo Derek, now. (Sheila and Emmitt Rorqual, Arlington; Mikko Aurela, Arlington) And the winner of the Frosted Flakes: "Intruder in the Dust" -- M. Larry Lawrence (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) Honorable Mentions: "Once Upon a Time . . . When We Were Colored" -- Michael Jackson (Joyce Rains, Bethesda) "The Rack" -- Pamela Anderson Lee (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Old Yeller" -- John McLaughlin (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Paul Kraft, Bethesda) "Hide in Plain Sight" -- Saddam Hussein (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Little Shop of Horrors" -- Kathie Lee Gifford (Jeff Taylor, Germantown) "Boyz N the Hood" -- Marlene Cooke (Steve Fahey, Kensington) "Room With a View" -- Frank Gifford (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" -- Hillary Rodham Clinton (Tony Hope, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Marcia Asquith, Washington) "Home Alone" -- Kathie Lee Gifford (Rob Dwyer, Springfield) "Topper" -- Mrs. Al Gore (Dan Quayle, Indianapolis; Russ Beland and Maureen Flaherty, Springfield) "Citizen Kane" -- Michael Fay (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) "The Tip Off" -- John Wayne Bobbitt (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.) "You Only Live Twice" -- Elvis (Russ Beland, Springfield) "Rocky" -- Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford (David Genser, Arlington) "Five Easy Pieces" -- The Spice Girls (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington; Cynthia Coe and Ray Aragon, Bethesda) "The Manchurian Candidate" -- Al Gore (Maureen Flaherty and Russ Beland, Springfield) "Dances With Wolves" -- Paula Jones (Kelli Midgely Biggs, Columbia) "The Incredible Mr. Limpet" -- John Wayne Bobbitt (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "There's a Girl in My Soup" -- Jeff Dahmer (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) "Bent" -- Bill Clinton (Paula Jones, Little Rock; Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "The Flash" -- Sharon Stone (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Honey, I Blew Up the Kids" -- Yasser Arafat (Jeff Chostner, Burke) "M*A*S*H" -- Bob Packwood (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Sleeping With the Enemy" -- James Carville and Mary Matalin (Joseph Romm, Washington; David Genser, Arlington) "Flat Top" -- Kate Moss (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.) "Romancing the Stone" -- Tipper Gore (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" -- Susan McDougal (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) "The Wiz" -- June Allyson (Rich Allen, Gaithersburg) "Tootsie" -- Dick Morris (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "They Died With Their Boots On" -- Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono (Paul Kraft, Bethesda) "The Parent Trap" -- Lyle and Eric Menendez (Paul Kraft, Bethesda) "Howards End" -- Howard Stern (Paul Kraft, Bethesda) "Enter the Dragon" -- Camille Barnett (Jim Rooks, Bethesda) "They Saved Hitler's Brain" -- Saddam Hussein (David Genser, Arlington) "Hackers" -- Those seven cigarette company executives (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) "Last Tango in Paris" -- Di and Dodi (Holly Schotz, Clarksville) Next Week: It's a Pity ====================================================================== WEEK 256, published February 8, 1998 Week 256: THE PYLE INVITATIONAL How did the Spanish conquistadors save money on fuel? They went 3,000 miles on a galleon! Why did they arrest the automobile factory worker? Because he took a brake! How can Texas make executions more palatable to women? It can buy a guillotine, and call its executions "Leonardo DiCapitations" This Week's Contest was proposed by the czarevich of the Style Invitational, a lad who attends Thomas W. Pyle Middle School in Bethesda. In an effort to show how modern and cool it is, Thomas W. Pyle Middle School encodes its math homework assignments so that the proper answers provide a solution to a riddle. Unfortunately, the riddles appear to have been composed during the Depression era by WPA gag writers with fedoras. The two at the top of the page come directly from the czarevich's math homework. This week's contest is to help Thomas W. Pyle Middle School enter the 21st century by coming up with hipper, more contemporary riddles and answers. The punch line must contain a painful pun. First prize receives a spectacularly realistic water snow dome, handmade by Sarah Worcester of Bowie. It is a tableau featuring sagebrush, two cute ponies and a cowboy. The cowboy is lying on the ground. The ponies have ripped off his arms and legs, and are devouring them. There is a great deal of blood. The entire globe sits atop a cookie tin filled with those tiny pastel hearts that appear to be made of congealed confectioners' sugar and contain two-word romantic messages like 'Be Mine' or 'Eat Me.' This one-of-a-kind objet d'art is worth $65,000. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Lose Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 256, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. So me and Jonathan were caroming through the zirconium night alight on ludes and pig snot we took through the ear and the Victorian mansions of Garrett Park were blurring past the windows, looking like giant malevolent sarcophaguses with mailboxes. Next Week: New York Times Ear Credit. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 253, in which you were asked to enter one of four simple contests. The catch was that instead of "humor and originality," the criterion for choosing the winners was "lamest attempts at humor." Skeptics predicted that this would not work, and that we would be forced to adopt a humor criterion after all. Wrong. Sure, there were several funny answers, but we exempted them from prizes on grounds that they were too good: All of these were for captioning this cartoon: Bill Gates suspects that some of the zeros had been left off his paycheck.(Nick Crettier, Front Royal; Jose Cortina, Washington); After waking up the next morning, Lars discovered that he had unwittingly brought home the bar instead of his date. (Laura Miller and Sarah Smith, Reston); Dumbrowski is contemplating the age-old question of how many poles does it take to screw in a light bulb. (Michael O'Leary, Huntingtown); The key to the city got really awkward when the city changed over to the new magnetic-card system. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel); The fortunes were very detailed at Tolstoy's Chinese Restaurant. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg). However, by and large, the contest produced hilariously unfunny results, the best of which are below. Third Runner-Up: What is happening in this cartoon? A guy is holding a really long "yardstick" and he is thinking, wait a minute, my "yard" is a lot wider than this. Then he remembers he lives in Arlington, and it isn't! Larger. Than the stick. (Scott Richlen, Annandale) Second Runner-Up: What is happening in this cartoon? It's O.J., but he's white and has a long nose and is holding a long thing. (Paul Laporte and Lee Mayer, Washington) First Runner-Up: What does this gadget do? This is a solar-powered sigmoidoscope. See, it's solar powered, yet you have to stick it where the sun don't shine! It'll never work! Oh, what delicious irony! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of the Piddlers Toilet Targets: Write a four-line poem about the federal budget deficit: Bill Clinton has fixed the federal budget deficit For that he deserves wonderful gifts for Hanukah, It is obvious to me that such a great man Could never have had relations with Monica. (David Sherman, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: What is happening in this cartoon? The man is holding a rectangle, but -- this is the funny part -- he is not wearing any underpants! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Former president George Bush and his wife, "Bar." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Chester's plan was foiled when he realized not only would he not be able to hide behind the barre when the scantily clad ballerinas came in, but he was stuck! (Lori Lossman, Boonsboro) Newton's law of gravitation states that the attractive force between two bodies is equal to G*m1*m2/d*2. However, the gravitational pull on the board in this cartoon appears to be equal on each extremity, even though one end is clearly a greater distance from the fulcrum! (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) This guy is, like, "duh" because he hasn't got a clue what this big white thing is he's holding. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) The man with the world's longest name has received a letter from somewhere he's never even heard of! (A.D. Zeleny, Boonsboro) Bob wonders how his favorite pet tapeworm managed to wander into the freezer again. (Paul Ponton, Mount Airy) Brian gets a parcel from the UNAEXPLODINGSALAMIER. (Jonathan Paul, Silver Spring) Obviously, this man is feeling board. (Bored) (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) The man is so annoyed by the question mark that has been following him around that he is about to whack it with a giant two-by-four. (Ivan Wasserman, Washington) What the world needs is a cheap . . . . . . way to fly in from Cleveland that doesn't make your arms tired. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) . . . rip-off of Bob Levey's neologism contest. See, "neologism" is a clever combination of "neolo," as in "neologism," and "gism," as in, um, "neologism." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) . . . prosthetic limb. You know, one that won't cost an arm and a leg. (Thomas Wallick, Washington) . . . date. And if you haven't got a cheap date, I guess a cheap fig would do. Ha ha. Get it? Not a "date," like a romantic encounter, but like those things used in Fig Newtons, if they were made with dates instead of figs. (Roger Gilkeson, Washington) Cartoon 2: What does this gadget do? It gadges. (Paul Laporte and Lee Mayer, Washington) I don't know what it does, but it gives me an idea! (Sandra Hull, Arlington) It's a three-way light bulb with a stick shift. (Chuck Smith, Washington) This is a machine that lights a 40W light bulb. It takes four D batteries, connected in series, and draws 4A. 20V times 4A is 80W. This stupid thing is only 50 percent efficient! (Ned Bent, Herndon) It's a think tank. The light bulb is the "think" part. (Dan Rosenzweig and Jen Kellner, Bethesda) Write a poem about the budget deficit: Someone left the federal budget deficit out in the rain, Now my life ain't got a purpose Cause there's gonna be a surplus (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) There was a young man from Nantudget, Who tried to balance the federal budget (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) In FY1992 it was $290.3 billion. In FY1996 it had fallen to $155.5 billion And, thanks in part to Clinton (William) By 2000 it will be in the millions! (David Genser, Arlington) Next Week: Double Jeopardy ====================================================================== WEEK 257, published February 15, 1998 Week 257: LET US PLAY A deceased fish. Four quarters. A toilet. A flocked mirror. A pair of dice. Forty paper clips of assorted sizes. A rubber band. A Colonel Mustard card. A Gideon Bible. An umbrella. A 45 rpm recording of "It's My Party" by Lesley Gore This week's contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a styrofoam spittoon. Stephen suggests that you create a game, or a prank, that can be played using any two or more of the above objects. First-prize winner gets an antique velour wall hanging featuring a portrait of the White House being contemplated by someone who is either John F. Kennedy or Wally from the original "Leave It to Beaver." This is worth $30. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 257, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Page F1 "folio," or as it is colloquially known, the Ear No One Reads, was written by Ms. Sandra Hull of Arlington, Va., which is a suburb of Washington D.C. The very last Ear No One Reads, as you have come to know it, will appear on March 8. The Post's redesign will not accommodate an Ear where it currently exists.We are currently taking nominations for where the Ear can be moved. It must be somewhere in the Style section. It should be someplace equally obvious but equally overlookable. The person who relocates the Ear will win The Czar's personal Loser Pen, right from his pocket, engraved "The Czar." This offer will not be repeated. Good luck. Next week: Shakespearean Ear Credit. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 254, in which we asked you to take any sentence appearing in that day's Washington Post and make it the answer to a question. Fifth Runner-Up: A: Great legs in a short skirt make me melt. Q: Hey, Pillsbury Doughboy, why won't you work with Tina Turner? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Fourth Runner-Up: A: The Great Pleasantness is coming. Q: How does Saddam Hussein insist on being announced? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Third Runner-Up: A: Right here. Q: What is the unofficial state motto of New Jersey? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Second Runner-Up: A: "You are clearly not as intelligent as I am, you recognize that, don't you?" Q: What did President Clinton say to a certain part of his anatomy after the Lewinsky allegations became public? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) First Runner-Up: A: "Well, we're glad to be here," astronaut Bonnie Dunbar replied from the shuttle. Q: Has President Clinton ever made inappropriate advances to female astronauts? (Dave Andrews, Williamsburg) And the winner of the Super Bowl promotional crap: A: "They do crafts, sing songs, play the Steinway in the lobby, dance, laugh and swap stories." Q: According to Saddam Hussein, what are Iraqi scientists really doing in those labs he doesn't want us to see? (David Genser, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: A: Her clothes say nothing. Q: What was the response after Kenneth Starr grilled Monica Lewinsky's dresses for four hours? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) A: Has been one of top sackmasters throughout career. Q: Please summarize life of Pres. Clinton. (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church) A: The proposed ad campaign -- built around the slogan "Go Baby, Go!" -- isn't going to change these things. Q: What was Mrs. McCaughey's exasperated response when a PR firm tried to get her to do ads for diapers? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) A: The clock struck thirteen. Q: What happened right after President Clinton didn't have sex with Monica Lewinsky? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) A: Mick Jaggeresque, intelligent maverick, wry traveler ISO other half. Q: How do you sell an ugly old guy who can't hold a job? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) A: The sources have characterized Lewinsky's moods as ranging from excitement to school-girlish petulance and jealousy, from whining to bitterness and emotional devastation, but such judgments based on an audio tape are open to debate. Q: If a journalist wanted to slap together an article based on unsubstantiated rumors from anonymous sources while still maintaining an air of moral superiority, what would be a good sentence to use? (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) A: This is another good thing about geezer fishing. Q: What did Anna Nicole Smith say on the way to the bank? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) A: I've had myself cloned. Q: Mr. President, how can you reconcile the fact that you deny acts Ms. Lewinsky has admitted on tape? (David Sherman, Arlington) A: A clothes hanger with breasts. Q: How would most women characterize a super-model? (Gerry Minetos, Alexandria) A: Marlon begins dating a single mother and finds he has a lot in common with her 7-year-old son. Q: What sequel to "Last Tango in Paris" do we least want to see? (Jesse Salter, Arlington) A: Yo quiero defecto. Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Fidel Castro 24 hours after the Lewinsky scandal broke? (Mike Hummel, Riverdale) A: For those who would want to demonize human cloning, this was too good to be true. Q: How would you characterize the news that Kathie Lee Gifford has a long-lost twin? (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) A: All but three of those schools now have walls. Q: What was the highlight of Gen. Julius Becton's testimony before Congress regarding the repairs made to D.C. schools? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A: Some officials say they believe the danger stems from the amount of alcohol that students drink. Q: According to the results of a $2.8 million NIH study, what is the reason that many students get drunk on weekends? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A: Clinton has publicly denied having a sexual relationship with Lewinsky or encouraging her to lie about it. Q: What's the best evidence so far that Clinton had a sexual relationship with Lewinsky and encouraged her to lie about it? (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) A: A carefully scripted series of rocket firings over the next two days brought the shuttle to a point 600 feet directly below Mir a little less than one hour before docking. Q: What might the second line be of a poem that starts: "The shuttle floated through the air like a loogie some giant was hocking." (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) A: We wave. Q: What is our reaction when we are standing on land and see Pauly Shore drowning in shark-infested waters? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A: League sign-ups start Monday. Q: Has Clinton-bashing become too much of a blood sport in Washington? (David Genser, Arlington) And last: A: This week's contest was suggested by Jacob Weinstein of Los Angeles, who is clearly a man of such vital and compelling genius that he is destined for immortality. Q: What is a quote from The Washington Post that has been slightly edited for accuracy? (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) Next Week: It's a Pity ====================================================================== WEEK 258, published February 22, 1998 Week 258: It's A Bird. It's A Pain. 1. The ability to fly. 2. The ability to read minds. 3. The ability to communicate with animals. 4. The ability to belch fire. 5. The ability to become invisible. This Week's Contest was proposed by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a rubber pig nose. Stephen suggests that you choose one or more of the super powers above and tell us what you would do with it. First-prize winner receives a vial of reindeer antler powder, a fine product for sexual potency donated to the Style Invitational by Sarah Worcester of Bowie. It is from Finland, and the instructions come in Finnish ("Hyppysellinen poronsarvi jauhetta aamiaisella kuumaan teehen tai kohviin sekoitettuna auttaa . . . "). Fortunately they are translated: "This powder helps you on the same evening or at least on the following morning after a good night reast. You really feel vigour into your body.") It is worth $50. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 258, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Dudzik cuts a fine figure, forsooth. Not long of ear so much as long of tooth. Next Week: Nostradamus ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 255, in which you were asked to tell us what any of seven cartoons had to do with the ongoing presidential scandal. Third Runner-Up: (cartoon G) In a weird Dorian Gray twist, every time Bill Clinton does something sleazy, his official portrait looks more wide-eyed and innocent. (David Genser, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: (cartoon C) Coverage of this scandal stinks so bad that Post readers are forced to rub the paper with rotting fish to improve the smell. (Ken Huck, Fairfax) First Runner-Up: (cartoon A) Hillary has taken over the selection process for White House interns.(David N. Johnston,Elkridge; Mike Genz, La Plata) And the winner of the Elvis Rug: Cartoon "A" completes the following SAT question: "M. Lewinsky is to as L. Tripp is to " (Drew Knoblauch, Great Falls) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: The Washington Post unwisely sends some old-guy cartoonist to do the courtroom sketch of Monica Lewinsky. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Ernie Bushmiller is an anagram for "Ruin Embellisher," which the scandal appears to be doing to Lewinsky, Tripp, Goldberg, Starr and Jones. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Intern applicants without knees were sent home. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Nancy has just passed George Stephanopoulos in the hall and is smiling because she is not wearing a bra! (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church) Cartoon B: The independent counsel's crack team of investigators have immersed themselves in Whitewater. (Mike Genz, La Plata) William Ginsburg needed oxygen while surfacing between talk show appearances. (Richard Stromberg, Front Royal) Desperate for hard evidence, Kenneth Starr has divers scouring the bottom of the Potomac for used condoms. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Cartoon C: Monica's Valentine's Day gift from the president was not exactly what she was anticipating. (Robin D. Grove, Arlington) Cartoon D: In Ted Kennedy's office, they try to avoid these kinds of problems. Here, an intern brings the senator his lunch. (David Genser, Arlington) Sometimes, President Clinton resorted to having women smuggled into the Oval Office inside large pots of stew. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) White House launderers are kept busy round the clock, removing suspicious stains from presidential clothing. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Cartoon E: A wanton soup, indeed. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Moo Goo Gai Cam utilized by Linda Tripp during her chats with Monica. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Sources allege that POTUS ordered Chinese food during one meeting with Monica. Ken Starr immediately ordered his investigation expanded to cover Asian influence in the White House. (Vance Greer, Sterling) Cartoon F: The letters in this picture can be rearranged to spell "Ken Starr pukes me so." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Since Buddy already occupies the dog house, Hillary found different accommodations for Bill. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bob Woodward has another clandestine meeting with "Deep Throat" in an effort to ferret out dope on the new scandal. (Paul Alter, Hyattsville) This guy once panhandled a quarter from a woman who knows a man who knows the bus driver who drives Monica's manicurist's second cousin, Arlene, to work in Beverly Hills. He has already been subpoenaed. (David Genser, Arlington) Linda Tripp's hairdresser after she went public. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Cartoon G: Some hydrocephalics disapprove of Clinton's lifestyle. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) In addition to Barbra Streisand, Winona Ryder rallies to Clinton's defense. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The discovery of White House intern trading cards undermined the president's credibility. (David Genser, Arlington) This is Monica's lawyers' defense strategy: She's just a wide-eyed innocent who has been framed. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Next Week: The Pyle Invitational ====================================================================== WEEK 259, published March 1, 1998 Week 259: SPARE EXCHANGE, BUDDY? The Washington Post: EDitorializing 4-6000 Congress: BAbel 5-3121 The White House: ILlicit 6-1414 This Week's Contest returns to the days of yesteryear, when telephone numbers weren't just numbers. Used to be, they were five digits with a two-letter precede. BEechwood 4-5-7-8-9. PEnnsylvania 6-5000. So, open the phone book. Take the phone number of any business or government office in the Washington area, translate the first two digits into their constituent letters and propose an appropriate one-word exchange. First-prize winner gets a complete set of "Campus Cuties," which was marketed as a child's toy but appears to be 1964-era soft porn. The "Cuties" are eight little demure beige plastic figurines of bosomy women in various semi-revealing costumes ("On the Town," "At the Beach" and of course "Nitey Nite," in which the improbably proportioned cutie is in a teddy.) This fine collector's item is worth $50. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 259, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Forces of Satan will Stride forward from the burg of Gaither to smite the ear. Next Week: Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 256, in which you were asked to come up with modern punny riddles to help the Thomas W. Pyle Middle School update its quizzes. -- Fourth Runner-Up: Who is covering the Iraq crisis for the state of Israel? Wolf Blintzer!(David Genser, Arlington) -- Third Runner-Up: Why does the president of the United States seem so out of touch with reality? Because he keeps looking at the world through Rhodes Scholared glasses! (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.) -- Second Runner-Up: What foreign city has the largest population of thin people with heart problems? Phnom Fen-Phen! (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) -- First Runner-Up: Who breaks your leg and an hour later breaks it again? Tonya Har Ding! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) -- And the Winner of the cowboy snow globe: What do you get when you cross Milton Berle with Saddam Hussein? The Thief of Bad Gags! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, and Dave Ferry, Leesburg) -- Honorable Mentions: Who raises cholesterol rates? Alan Greenspam! (David Genser, Arlington) What Spanish explorer discovered the fountain of lame humor? Puns De Leon! (Paul Laporte and Lee Mayer, Washington) What did the man name his Internet-surfing dog? Browser! (Glenn Smith, Reston) What did the guy do after walking all over town, tiring out his feet, unsuccessfully trying to sell his old, obsolete computer featuring a CP/M operating system? He ground it up into Epson salts! (Glenn Smith, Reston) How can we now refer to Mother Teresa? Nun of the Above. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) How do you describe a nutty cloning doctor who is having a bad day? Eggsasperated! (Sandra Hull, Arlington) How did lawyers for the head of the Unification Church console him after a judge stripped him of the Washington Times? Hey, it's only a paper, Moon! (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Who ran an escort service endorsed by the American Dental Association? Heidi Floss! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What do you call a being from outer space who abducts a human child? Woody Alien. (Roy Ashley, Washington) What is the whitest of white breads? Barry Maniloaf! (David Genser, Arlington) Why did the executors for the estate of Jack Kent Cooke tell the family they were all cut out of his will? Aw, they were just putting on heirs! (Russ Beland, Springfield) What rock star died of a candy overdose? Elvis Pezley! (Joseph Romm, Washington) Why did Dan Quayle try to pack his clothes inside a dead cow on the shuttle to New York? He thought the sign said "Carrion Luggage Only"! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Which TV superhero has absolutely no cult following? Zima, Warrior Princess! (David Genser, Arlington) Why do male astronauts don female clothing during reentry? They want to maximize atmospheric drag! (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) What is President Clinton's favorite musical instrument? The sex-phone! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What is Oprah Winfrey's least favorite TV show? Meat Depress! (Linda Shevitz, Greenbelt) Which middle school is just a giant pain in the butt? Pile Middle School! (David Genser, Arlington) -- And Last: Why is New York magazine mad at The Washington Post? For running the Style Imitational! (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Next Week: Let Us Play ====================================================================== WEEK 260, published March 8, 1998 Week 260: It's a Snap When you are asked a question to which the answer is obviously YES -- Old snappy response: "Is the pope Catholic?" New snappy response: "Is there a book in this for Monica?" New snappy response: "Do trailer parks attract tornadoes?" When you are asked a question to which the answer is obviously NO -- Old snappy response: "When Hell freezes over." New snappy response: "When Martha Stewart does a TV Christmas special on "Pimps and Their Ho's." New snappy response: "When Madeleine Albright wins a slam dunk competition." This Week's Contest was proposed by Michael Farquhar of Washington, who in the past has been ruthlessly and unfairly ridiculed in this space merely because he was once the Style Invitational flunky and so we think we can say anything we want about him, however cruel and outrageous. We apologize. Michael wins a new, improved genital prosthesis. Michael proposes that you come up with replacements for the hackneyed two answers: "Is the pope Catholic?" and "When Hell freezes over." Do either or both. First-prize winner gets a Mr. Potato Head Massager, a battery-operated Mr. Potato Head doll whose feet give you a vibrating massage when you depress his fedora. This handsome product, which is worth $20, was donated to the Style Invitational by John Kammer of Herndon, who wins a clip-on tag ("Visitor 40") from the Lockheed Martin defense-aerospace company. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 260, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads formally bids you adieu and wishes to thank Mr. Bill Strider of Gaithersburg, for today's Sign No One Heeds. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 257, in which you were given 11 items and urged to use two or more of them to create either a game or a prank. The items were a Colonel Mustard card; an umbrella; a pair of dice; four quarters; 40 paper clips; a deceased fish; a Gideon Bible; a 45 rpm recording of Lesley Gore's "It's My Party"; a rubber band; a flocked mirror; a toilet. A very tough contest, with an unusually small response: Fewer than 200 entries, mostly from perpetual Losers, battle-scarred veterans, residents of asylums, etc. Third Runner-Up: Drain the toilet bowl and epoxy the quarters to the bottom. Refill with water. Exit bathroom. Listen for curses and splashes. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Place the dead fish in the umbrella. Turn it in at the cable company's lost-and-found on a bright, sunny day. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) First Runner-Up: Each player must roll the dice to randomly select a book and chapter from the Bible, then rewrite at least one verse to scan to the meter of "It's My Party." They're my people to forsake if I want to Forsake if I want to Forsake if I want to You'd forsake them too if they blasphemed against you!(Erica Ginter, Washington) And the winner of the JFK wall hanging: Arrange all 11 items randomly, then apply for a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts. If that doesn't work, urinate on everything and reapply. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: Take the four quarters and the pair of dice to Las Vegas. Leverage your initial investment into hundreds of thousands of dollars. (Hillary Rodham Clinton, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Cut a round hole in the fish. Place in public restroom stall with this hand-lettered note: "Out of toilet seat covers. Please use flounder. Secure with paper clips." (David Genser, Arlington) In a rather odd coincidence, the items you list are what we usually play Clue with, because of wear and tear and attrition to the pieces the game came with. The suspense is gone because it always ends up being Colonel Mustard in the bathroom with the umbrella. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Straighten the paper clips so they form lethal mini-javelins and hide them in a delicious, moist muffin. Cut up the deceased fish and dip the pieces (with bones) in melted chocolate; let dry and put in a fancy candy box. Paint the quarters to look like pepperoni slices and arrange them on a wedge of pizza. Put everything in a bag marked "lunch from my mom -- do not touch" and place in the office refrigerator. Whoever's been stealing your lunch will not do it again. You win. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Fashion hooks out of the paper clips. Use the fish to catch a bigger fish. Use increasingly bigger hooks to catch increasingly bigger fish, until you have landed the largest largemouth bass in the world, which is worth $5 million in commercial endorsements. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Each player, in turn, reads funny saying from the Gideon Bible (for example, 1 Kings 14:10: "I will cut off from Jereboam him that pisseth against the wall.") Anyone who laughs is out. Play continues until only one is left. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Use the rubber band to shoot the paper clips at a Secret Service agent's butt! Use the four quarters to call a defense lawyer and bail bondsman. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) Commit a murder, and leave the Colonel Mustard card at the scene. The cops will blame him! (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) This game is to be played by Bill Clinton and his legal defense team. The players are given 40 paper clips and have to page through the Gideon Bible in search of references to oral sex as not constituting adultery. Winner gets a flying pig that freezes in Hell. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Players: One lonely business traveler in a Del Rio, Tex., motel room. Insert four quarters in vibrating bed. Play 45 rpm record of "It's My Party." Use rubber bands to shoot paper clips at broken TV. Repeat until arriving at Point of Despair. Reach for Gideon Bible. It's in Spanish. Flush head in toilet. Game over. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Next Week: It's a Bird. It's a Pain. ====================================================================== WEEK 261, published March 15, 1998 Week 261: What If You Give It a Try II What if Fidel Castro had been flattened by a bus in 1958? Cuba becomes the 51st state in '65, the Washington Senators become the Havana Jefes in '71. What if the South had won the Civil War? Arkadelphia, Ark. is the cradle of an international renaissance of art, science and culture. Also, Billy Wayne "Moose" Clampett, the Bill Gates of the South, makes his fortune in spittoons. What if Oswald had missed? Nothing changes. The guy on the grassy knoll, or the guy with the grenade launcher popping out of the manhole or the guy behind the tree with the umbrella-rifle completes the hit. This Week's Contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a stale Chinese fortune cookie containing (we are reliably informed) an X-rated fortune. Elden suggests that you alter some crucial moment in history, and then tell us the likely outcome. First-prize winner gets "The Best of Annals of Improbable Research," donated to The Style Invitational by Sarah Worcester of Bowie. This is a terrific book of bogus science, including the famous experiment "How Dead Is a Doornail?," in which scientists performed an electroencephalogram on a doornail. (It is really most sincerely dead.) The best part is that the book is signed by editor-author Marc Abrahams, and hand-dedicated to "The Winner of the Style Invitational." First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 261, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this NEW address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. We wish to thank Maja Keech of New Carrollton for today's Ear No One Licks. Employees of the Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 258, in which we asked you how you would use any of five super powers. But first, an urgent message for everyone who enters this contest through e-mail. The Invitational has a new address: loserswashpost.com. Starting next week the old address won't work anymore. Back to the super powers: Fifth runner-up: The ability to communicate with animals -- I'd tease the big male macho animals by telling them our females are always in heat. (Barry Blyveis, columbia) Fourth Runner-Up: The ability to fly, become invisible, read minds and belch fire -- Maybe then I could play Michael Jordan, one on one, even-up. Probably not. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Third Runner-Up: The ability to fly -- I would float weightless, becoming one with the beauty of nature, freed from earthly bondage, part of the cosmos, touching the very face of God. Then I would drop stuff on people and laugh at them. (Jessica Henig, Northampton, Mass.) Second runner-up: The ability to fly and become invisible -- At the golf course, I'd pick some pathetic 30 handicapper and catch his ball in the air and put it in the hole, and keep doing it until the 18th green, where I would kick his shots off course until he "26-putted" and finished with a 112. (Ned Bent, Herndon) First Runner-Up: The ability to communicate with animals -- While cooking chicken on the grill, I would strike up a conversation with the salmonella; when they stop answering me, the meat is done. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) And the winner of the reindeer-antler aphrodisiac powder: The ability to belch fire -- I'd give this ability to Monica, so she could have closure to her relationship. (Christina Courtney, Ocean City, Md.) Honorable Mentions The ability to belch fire: I'd get a great job lighting the torch at the Redneck Olympics. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Riverdance would be nothing but wisps of steam. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) I'd really, really look forward to the part where the doctor tells you to turn your head and cough. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Sushi bars. (Cathie Aime, Blacksburg) The ability to become invisible: Now I can sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom without paying or interning. (Amy Bender, Reston) I'd stand behind people getting on scales, sneak a foot on and add 10 pounds or so.(Art Grinath, Takoma Park) I am not sure what I would do, but it certainly would not involve the dressing room of a Victoria's Secret store, ogling the forbidden flesh as it passes inches from my face, tantalizing me, begging to be seen but never touched. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington; Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) I would put a collar on my dog and walk him. We would meet my buddy, who has one of those collars for walking an "invisible dog." Then he and I would walk together. It would be a kind of yin and yang thing. (Roy Ashley, Washington) I would send nasty e-mails to my boss, and no one would know it was me! Oh, wait, that wouldn't work. (David Genser, Arlington) I would accept slug rides in the HOV lane, and then every time we passed a cop, I would disappear. (Russ Beland, Springfield) I would follow Martha Stewart around and mess things up. (Susan Reese, Arlington) I actually have this power. It happens whenever I walk into a singles bar. (Ned Bent, Herndon) The ability to communicate with animals: I'd give my e-mail address to my cat. I'd give it to my dog, too, but he would always be bugging me. (David Genser, Arlington) "Okay, Number 3, you're 30 to 1 today. You want to win this one, or do you want to find your owner's head in your stall tomorrow?" (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) I'd depose Kato, the Akita, and put an end to this travesty once and for all. (Mike Genz, La Plata) I would tell the house cats of the world that we don't really care about them either, and we just tolerate their being around. That will show them. (Russ Beland, Springfield) I'd stand by the lobster tank in a fancy restaurant and train the lobsters to act dead when they were pointed to. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) I'd become a standup comic and perform before lions. I would tell about the guy who said the lion will lie down with the lamb. I'd get a lot of laughs with that one. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) The ability to fly: I'd become a stand-up comic and say, "I just flew in from Paris, and boy are my arms tired," and it would actually be funny. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) I'd get on an airplane and complain loudly about the food and service. Then, at 30,000 feet, I'd storm up the aisle, open the door and leave. (John Kammer, Herndon) The ability to read minds: I would bring peace to the world by searching for common ideas, and I would help doctors treat children who are too young to describe their symptoms. But only when I am not busy at the Vegas poker tables. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) I'd know exactly how much to spend on a dinner date. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) I would hang out on the set of "Baywatch" to get some peace and quiet. (David Genser, Arlington; Ned Bent, Herndon) The ability to become invisible and talk to animals: I would mess with the researchers' heads by teaching Koko the gorilla how to sign things like "Bite me" and "I want a bra." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) I would follow the Discovery Channel cameras around and instruct every animal on which the camera is not focused to do the Macarena until the camera turns toward him, and then behave normally. (Jose Cortina, Centreville) And Last: If I were invisible -- Late at night just before the press run, I would sneak into the offices of the Style Invitational and insert my stupid, humorless, illogical entry into the "And Last" slot. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Next Week: Spare Exchange, Buddy? ====================================================================== WEEK 262, published March 22, 1998 Week 262 -- Campaign for One I ask only for your vote on election day. And if that is too much, me and the boys will administer a pistol-whipping you will never forget I will never lie to you. Unless of course I am caught doing something really disgusting, like putting a mirror on my shoetops to look up girls' dresses My opponent, while qualified, has a monstrously large behind Most of you will see me standing up here and will say to yourselves, 'I like what he says, but I wonder what he looks like naked.' Well " This Week's Contest was proposed by Niels Hoven of Silver Spring, a frequent winner of the Style Invitational who has long beguiled us with his naughty but urbane wit, elevating the general level of humor beyond the banal into new strata of wry, world-weary iconoclasm. We have just now learned that Niels Hoven of Silver Spring is 17. A junior at Montgomery Blair High School, Niels says he has become so tired of humorless, platitudinous campaign speeches by student government weenies that he is going to run for office himself. He asks for your help in making his speeches more interesting. Design a line for Niels to deliver that will wake up a snoozing audience. First-prize winner receives a copy of a glossy Bangladeshi magazine called Full Moon, donated to the Invitational by Kitty Thuermer of Washington. It is written entirely in Bengali. It is about the American scandal of the day. The cover features an obviously spliced photograph in which the president of the United States appears to be staring soulfully, with deep reflection, at Ms. Lewinsky's bosom. This is worth a great deal of money. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 262, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this spanking new address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Contract Fine Print No One Reads is a product of the minds that bring you The Style Invitational. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 259, in which we asked you to take the actual phone numbers of area businesses and rewrite them into old fashioned word-exchanges, a la BUtterfield 8. Mary Ann the Lawyer requires us to note that this is all in good fun and the humor contained herein is expressly designed as satire and neither The Washington Post nor any of its agents or subsidiaries thereof is making any representation of a negative nature about any of these fine and reputable businesses, all of which are deserving of the Nobel Prize for lifetime achievement in the field of just being simply terrific. Mary Ann the Lawyer, as always, feels her disclaimer in no way undercuts the humor of this feature. (In fact, we think it kind of gets her excited.) Some entries too popular to reward with prizes: the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms -- WAco 7-7777; St. Elizabeths -- LOony 2-4000 and the Pentagon -- KIll 5-6700. Third Runner-Up: National Institute for Dispute Resolution -- GOtohell 6-4764(Roy Ashley, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Montgomery Hospice Society -- ARrivederci 9-2566 (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: Hoover Co. -- MOnica 8-8100 (T.J. Murphy, Arlington; Paul Styrene, Olney) And the Winner of the Campus Cuties: U.S. Inspector General, Office of Fraud, Waste and Abuse -- 1-800-TOiletseats 9-4499 (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: Defense Intelligence Agency -- OXymoron 5-0175 (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) International Brotherhood of Teamsters -- MAfia 4-6800 (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington) AARP -- GEezer 4-2277 (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Sarah Worcester, Bowie; Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church) The Pew Center -- DEodorize 1-3200 (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Telepersonals -- DEsperate 1-7777 (Paul Kondis, Alexandria; Dave Pimentel, Bethesda) National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws -- HUngry 3-5500 (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; David Genser, Arlington; Susan Reese, Arlington) The Hearing and Speech Center, Wheaton -- WHaaa? 9-8070 (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) D.C. Rental Housing Commission -- RAttrap 7-7400 (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington) Jehovah's Witnesses -- DIngdong 0-0217 (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) International Joint Commission -- REefer 6-9000 (Gerry Minetos, Alexandria; Chuck Smith, Washington) U-Haul of Rockville -- FErtilizer 0-6347 (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) National Association of Brick Distributors -- er, SHeethouse 9-6223 (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Arbor Center for Marriage and Sexual Dysfunction -- FLaccid 2-8900 (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Chas. H. Finn & Sons Plumbing -- BUttcrack 3-6190 (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases -- HYpochondriacs 6-4000 (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) National Institute on Drug Abuse -- GIggles 3-6245 (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) IRS -- VAmpire 9-1040 (Jeremy Erwin, Herndon) D.C. Alcohol and Drug Abuse Services Administration -- SAuced-7-1765 (Woody Franke, Reston) Ken Starr's law firm -- TSk-tsk 9-5000 (J. Duffy, New York) Senate Appropriations Committee -- CAndyland 4-3471 (David Genser, Arlington) Outback Steakhouse -- MAdcow-7-0063 (Jose Cortina, Centreville) National Pasta Association -- THighmaster 1-0818 (Cheryl C. Kagan, Rockville) White Flint Shopping Center -- HOity-toity 8-5777 (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Selective Service System -- BEndover 5-2555 (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: It's a Snap ====================================================================== WEEK 263, published March 29, 1998 Week 263: The Game of the Name 1. A bad name for a new breed of dog. 2. A bad name for a battleship. 3. A bad name for a new deodorant. 4. A bad name for a new car model. 5. A bad name for a new software program. 6. A bad name for a newly incorporated city. This week's contest: Unfortunate product names. Choose one or more of the above categories. First-prize winner gets a commemorative ceramic ashtray, still fresh in its box, from the U.S. Pavilion of the 1964 World's Fair. This is worth $30. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 263, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear No One Reads was written by Richard Leiby of Silver Spring. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 260, in which you were asked to come up with replacements for the hackneyed comeback lines "Is the pope Catholic?" (meaning "yes") and "When Hell freezes over" (meaning "never.") To replace "When Hell freezes over": Fourth Runner-Up: Just as soon as there are luge fantasy camps. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Third Runner-Up: Sure, when they come out with non-alcoholic Ripple. (Art "Ranked 13th in Style Invitational wins, So I Don't Get Even a Mention in the Article, Not That I'm Bitter" Grinath, Takoma Park) To replace "Is the pope Catholic?": Second Runner-Up: Does Kaczynski poop in the woods? (Alan Rosenzweig, College Park) First Runner Up: Did Eusebius of Nicomedea protect the doctrine of consubstantiation by exploiting Constantine's fear of Sabellianism? (William F. Buckley, Jr., New York; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of the Mr. Potato Head massager: Does Bill Gates fill out the long form? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Honorable Mentions: When the answer is obviously "yes": Are you already a finalist for the Publishers Clearing House grand prize? (John Kammer, Herndon) Did the CIA lie about the radio transmitter implanted in my buttocks? (Matt Brown, Silver Spring) Could the White House use some inflatable interns? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Will the Enterprise avoid imminent destruction by inverting the flux capacitors, modulating the phase inducers and rerouting power from life support to engineering?(John Kammer, Herndon) Can Suharto get a free meal in Jakarta? (Jose Cortina, Centreville) Is the former pope dead? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Is the Whitehurst Freeway under construction? (David Genser, Arlington) Where the answer is obviously "no": Does Casey Martin have a leg to stand on? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) When slide rules make a comeback. (George Alan Esworthy, Cary, N.C.) When "The Family Circus" introduces a gay character. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) When there's a perfume named Gangrene. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) When Miss Manners starts picking both nostrils at once. (Russ Beland, Springfield) When Clark Kent switches to contacts. (John Allen, Charlottesville) When car dealerships are not featuring their "best prices of the year." (John Kammer, Herndon) When Dr. Laura has an affair with a drunken atheist who doesn't pay child support and lives with his parents. (Tom Morgen, Laurel) Just as soon as they introduce "The Linda Tripp Barbie." (Robin D. Grove, Arlington) When Janet Reno becomes "Justice Spice." (John Kammer, Herndon) Format C: drive? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) As soon as Sidwell Friends installs metal detectors. (David Genser, Arlington) When people are delighted to get their first copy of Modern Maturity. (Nora Belle, Washington) When there is a "Pope Steve I." (Jose Cortina, Centreville) When people land on the moon! (D. Quayle, Indianapolis; T. Witte, Gaithersburg) And last: When the Style Invitational takes criticism graciously. (Some buck-toothed, microcephalic mouth-breather from Inbred County, W. Va.; John Allen, Charlottesville) Next Week: What If You Give It a Try II ====================================================================== WEEK 264, published April 5, 1998 Week 264: Ask Backwards The Book of Job, but not the Book of Love Microsoft-brand doughnuts Darth Lewinsky 1. Elvis 2. Toto 3. Socrates Dorcas McFutz Saddam and Eve Leonardo DiCaprio's Dental Hygienist Tinker to Evers to Leibniz The Farrakhan Express Card Sunshine, lollipops and cancer Bwa ha ha ha oink This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the answers. What are the questions? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a still-in-the-box vintage 1972 genuine chrome license plate frame featuring a recumbent nude motif favored by long-distance truckers with overbites. This is worth $15. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 264, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate Week 264 in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 261, in which you were asked to alter some fact of history, and tell us how things would have changed. But first, a special message to certain readers who have been sending in letters complaining that the same names keep appearing as winners. They ask why we don't choose their entries, instead of entries from people like Jennifer Hart of Arlington and Chuck Smith of Woodbridge. To the letter writers: Yours is a legitimate question, deserving of a serious, respectful response. Basically, if humorists were foods, Jennifer Hart of Arlington and Chuck Smith of Woodbridge would be fillets of Icelandic salmon, lightly braised in butter, kissed by tarragon, dotted with capers, presented in candlelight by your naked lover on a deserted beach in the South of France. In comparison, you would be a single rancid clam in ketchup, fished out of a Jersey City dumpster. We hope this answers your question. Back to history. Fourth Runner-Up: What if Germany had not attacked Russia during World War II? The expression would be "As American as apple strudel." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: What if human beings were descended from reptiles instead of mammals? At her fabulous parties, Sally Quinn serves "squashed horseflies on Melba toast."(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: What if Johnny Appleseed had planted marijuana instead of apples? Our national pastime would be Hacky Sack. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) First Runner-Up: What if Adam and Eve don't eat the apple? Worms eat the apple, obtain Knowledge, and rule the planet. The Macarena and the high-five are never invented. (Ned Bent, Herndon) And the winner of the autographed "Best of the Annals of Improbable Research": What if television had been invented in 1832 instead of 1932? "Our American Cousin" is broadcast live. In front of cameras, John Wilkes Booth shoots President Lincoln in the ear, and jumps to the stage shouting, "Sic semper tyrannis!" The crowd responds by leaping to its feet and stadium-clapping while yelling "Woof! Woof! Woof!" Later, Jerry Springer's great-great-grandpa interviews Booth and asks him about his feelings. He tries to arrange an on-air reconciliation between Booth and Mrs. Lincoln. Booth becomes an instant celeb. After a jury acquits him, he gets a running part in Springer's show, sneaking up behind people and shooting them in the ear. (Andrew B. Gibson, Washington) Honorable Mentions: What if Bill Clinton had lost the election in 1996? Bob Dole, an honest, decent man, would be the president and there wouldn't be all of those scandals. You could trust Bob Dole with interns. All of those eager, young interns. Trying to impress Bob Dole. Dressing provocatively to catch Bob Dole's eye. Willing to do just about anything Bob Dole wanted them to do. Golly. (Bob Dole, Russell, Kan.; Meg Sullivan, Potomac) What if we had lost the Revolutionary War? That nanny would have been tried by blokes wearing powdered wigs, given a proper flogging and her arse sent home to her mum. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) What if, at Ford's Theatre, Lincoln had worn Darth Vader's helmet? It depends if Booth had a light-saber. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What if the 1972 Democratic National Committee headquarters had been located in the Mayflower Hotel? Journalists would think it exceedingly clever to add the word "flower" to the end of any scandal: Iranflower, Whitewaterflower, Monicaflower, Flowersflower. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) What if Achilles had worn high-top Air Jordans? The Greeks wouldn't have had to try that corny wooden-horse bit. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What if humans had evolved as ruminants? There would be no colostomy bags and, therefore, no Chuck Smith. (Robin D. Grove, Arlington) What if Hitler had been accepted into art school in 1906, and given up politics? Mussolini later has to go it alone. When "Casablanca" is filmed, the actors in the bar scene try to compete against "La Marseillaise" with "That's Amore." The movie bombs. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What if dogs had developed oversize brains, instead of monkeys? There'd be no color TV! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What if the Titanic never sank? James Cameron would be forced to make his big-budget disaster film about the Exxon Valdez. Leonardo DiCaprio would play the drunken, brooding loner Cap'n Hazelwood, only his love interest would be not Kate Winslet but a 600-pound walrus named Rosemary. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington; Steven King, Vienna) What if the Axis had won world War II? We'd all be driving Japanese and German cars; all of our electronic appliances, like TVs and radios and computers, would be manufactured in Germany and Japan; and we would have a terrible trade deficit. (August Amurao, Ashburn) What if the British had won the Revolutionary War? July Fourth would be celebrated by public beheadings, the final episode of "Seinfeld" would be preempted for the Westminster Dog Show, and, upon his induction into Cooperstown, it would be said of Roger Clemens that he "bowled an extraordinary googly." (Corey Jenkins, La Plata) What if Marion Barry hadn't been caught in that sting, smoking crack and trying to get it on with that babe? He'd probably still be mayor! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What if every historical fact had repercussions forever, no matter how trivial it might seem? For example, what if Rutherford B. Hayes had not stolen the election of 1876 from Samuel Tilden? Let's see, what would be different? Um. Well, I never would have sent this entry, that's one thing right there. (Russell Beland, Springfield) What if the French had successfully repelled the Germans in 1940? They would have become a vainglorious, pompous, rude people with a ridiculous sense of their importance in world affairs. (Jeff Chostner, Burke) What if they had not invented a time machine in 2036? Then no one would have traveled back in time to prevent George Bush from being assassinated and we would still be living through the disaster caused by the Quayle presidency. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What if Gregor Mendel had not invented the laws of heredity? Your wife might have given birth to a raccoon. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) What if Prince Charles had been born a woman? She'd be one butt-ugly woman, that's for sure. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) What if Socrates had a choice between drinking hemlock or drinking Zima? Same result. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What if Heaven's Gate members had believed a ship was meeting them at Bayonne, N.J.? Then they'd really wish they were dead. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) What if the expression "I'm like hello-ooooo?" had never been invented? All those cloying suburban real estate agents named Marci, Tori and Marlene would have devised something even more grating. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) What if real New York pizza were available in Virginia? Then I would be the effing Queen of England, that's what. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) What if the Brady bunch had landed on Gilligan's Island? Part of the Mary Ann camp would splinter off into a Marcia camp and Ginger would win the debate easily. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Campaign for One ====================================================================== WEEK 265, published April 12, 1998 Week 265: A Spork of genius The Mogar -- A combination modem and cigar, this device can instantaneously and anonymously transport cigar smoke amazing distances, for use in guerrilla warfare against those tiresome tyrants who whine about secondhand smoke. The Bratrap -- A combination brassiere and rat trap, this device provides excellent support while discouraging unwanted attention from lotharios. The Slouch -- A combination sled and couch, this product enables Dad to participate in winter activities with the kids while still effectively hibernating. This Week's Contest was proposed by David Mills of Hollywood, Calif. David is a TV screenwriter whose credits include "ER," "NYPD Blue," "Picket Fences" and other fine works exploring human relationships in all their complexity. David wins a vintage 1989 documentary video about New Kids on the Block. David proposes that you come up with new products like the spork: combinations of two existing products that work together in some special way. Name the device and explain its function. First-prize winner receives an incredible item donated to The Style Invitational by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park: a 1960s-era record, made in China for sale in the United States, titled "Golden Shuttles, Silver Threads Link Us With Peking." The cover features a Chinese woman sewing a sail for a sampan. The songs include "The Party's Flag Is Flying High," "Song of the Target-Shooting," "Practicing Hand-Grenade Throwing," "Bayonet Drill," "The Liberation Army Learns From the People of the Whole Country" and our favorite: "Let's Have a Picture Taken in Front of Tian An Men." It is worth 60 billion yuan. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 265, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Blindingly Obvious Invisible Headline was written by us. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 262, in which we asked you to help Niels Hoven, a junior at Montgomery Blair High School, come up with a knock-'em-dead line to use when he runs for student government president. But first, a response to letter writer John Kaluta of Silver Spring. Mr. Kaluta is the student government adviser at Montgomery Blair, a man who understandably takes student government a bit seriously. To Mr. Kaluta, we apologize if this contest seems to exhibit disrespect for student government. It is just that when we were in high school -- which happened to be the Bronx High School of Science (Motto: "Our Glasses Are as Thick as Sealy Posturepedic Mattresses") -- student government was the domain of pathetic doodyheads. We are sure things are vastly different now. We are sure student government types are now the hippest kids in school, self-confident, self-deprecatory, socially conscious, friendly, feisty, extremely personable pathetic doodyheads. -- Third Runner-Up: I have established an open line of communication with the administration of this school. The principal and I have become very close since he started sleeping with my mom. (Paul Styrene, Olney) -- Second Runner-Up: If we sell the organs of the student with the lowest GPA each semester, not only will we fill the treasury by the end of the year, but we can predict a rise in attendance and improved study habits. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) -- First Runner-Up: Just think, in 30 years I could be president of the United States and be having sex with your children! (Robin D. Grove, Arlington) -- And the winner of the Bangladeshi magazine: My friends, we are at a great crossroads in our history. Do we go forward or back? Left or right? Where is the turn signal? Do we need a Learner's Permit? Will the old man notice the dent in the fender? Can we outrun the cops? Does Montgomery County have an extradition treaty? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) -- Honorable Mentions: I am happy to be standing here before you, electronic ankle bracelet notwithstanding. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) When I think of Ted Kaczynski, I can't help but reflect on the mayhem that might have been avoided if only that bright young man hadn't lost his student government election.(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) My brothers and sisters, this man is blind, but observe that under my healing touch he is cured! Can I get an amen? (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) I have a firm commitment from Mary Kay LeTourneau that if I am elected to this august post she will accept a full-time teaching position at Montgomery Blair. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) If I am elected, I promise that Montgomery Blair High School will begin the 1998-99 school year in a BRAND NEW BUILDING!!! (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. (Joseph Romm, Washington) A vote for me is a vote for the safety of my hostages. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Let me introduce my opponent, whose reputation precedes her. I should know, having contributed to it. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) I believe I have a lot to give to this school. I can start by giving back all the stuff I stole. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Nothing improper ever happened under the bleachers. I will not parse that statement. (Harry Moritz, Washington) The only thing we have to fear is the dead rising from their graves and feasting on the flesh of the living. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What my opponent said. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Go ahead. Follow me around. I am boring. (John Kammer, Herndon) I have never lied to you as far as you know. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) For reasons beyond my control, if I lose this election, dozens of puppies will die. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) It's at times like this I remember my father's words: Buy the damn election, but just remember I'm not made of money. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If elected, the first thing I will do is go to the county courthouse and legally change my name to John F. Kennedy. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Vote for me. I assure you my penis has no distinguishing characteristics. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) I am a fabulously talented young man who enjoys playing squash and chopping carrots. My skills as a glove compartment designer are celebrated the world over. I invented wool. My Mandarin Chinese poetry has won me a variety of highly coveted accolades, and I can bench press 500 pounds. I have sought and received audiences with the premiers of Swaziland, Senegal and Suriname and am currently negotiating a lasting peace in the Middle East. I have all of my hair. I scored 1600 on the SAT, 36 on the ACT and 120 over 80 on the sphygmomanometer. I can urinate for six consecutive minutes. My methods for particleboard assembly have been adopted by the International Brotherhood of Woodworkers. I like peaches, and as president will continue to do so. (Jose Cortina, Centreville) That's it for my prepared remarks. My spokesperson, Susan Carpenter-McMillan, will now take your questions. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) If elected, I will appoint an investigative committee to determine who has been taking all those pictures through the girls' locker room shower heads. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) There will be no abuse of power and anyone who says there is will be taken out back and garroted. (Steven King, Vienna) And Last: Hey, I got The Washington Post to work my campaign for free! Imagine what else I can do for this school. (John Kammer, Herndon) Next Week: The Game of the Name ====================================================================== WEEK 266, published April 19, 1998 Week 266: Definitely Weird Dungarees -- n. Diplomas conferred by colleges for the study of spoor. Sisyphean -- adj. Describes an intellectually difficult argument propounded by a smart but effete pundit like Michael Kinsley. Pontoon -- n. A newspaper caricature of the pope. Spatula -- n. A tiff among vampires. Blunderbuss -- n. An attempted kiss between two blind people. This Week's Contest was proposed by Spencer Fogg of Fairfax Station. Mr. Fogg, who is 9 years old, inquired of his mom the meaning of the word "crotchety." When she asked him what he thought it meant, he guessed that it described people who find adolescent humor in matters pertaining to the private parts. Spencer wins a Whoopie Cushion. The contest is to take any word from the dictionary and redefine it. First-prize winner receives a bag of 50 49 Whoopie Cushions, worth $30. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 266, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Abrv No One Ntcs was written by Russ Beland of Springfield. Employees of the Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 263, in which we asked for unfortunate names for new products. This contest had the biggest response ever -- about 40,000 entries -- which means we may have inadvertently ignored submissions similar or even identical to the winners. If you feel slighted, we have established a special e-mail address to process your complaints, at complaintsbiteme.com. One of our favorite entries was disqualified because it was not a bad product name but a good product name. We urge Mennen to pay Mr. Barry Blyveis of Columbia $6 million for the rights to an antiperspirant named No Sweat, Man. Good entries too popular to reward with prizes: Automobiles named the Lincoln Incontinental, the Chevy Recall, the Honda Accordion and the Ford Tsuris. Deodorants named "Gee, Your Pits Smell Terrific!" and Acrid Extra-Dry. Battleships named the USS Lowest Bidder, the USS Mahatma Gandhi and the USS Lewinsky, the last for reasons that can only be surmised. Finally, several readers sternly lectured us about an error that tragically crept into Bob Staake's drawing of the battleship the Sitting Duck: The vessel, as drawn, was not in fact a battleship but an aircraft carrier. A few letter writers even informed us what "class" carrier it was, when it was likely commissioned and what its deck-load capacity would be. To these readers, we apologize for the error. It will not happen again. Please report back to militia headquarters at 0900 hours for your medication. -- Fifth Runner-Up -- Bad Name for new software product: Sim Cambodian Death Camp (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) -- Fourth Runner-Up -- Bad name for a new breed of dog: Golden Reliever (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring) -- Third Runner up -- Bad name for a new city: Indian Burial Ground, Ky. (John Kammer, Herndon; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) -- Second Runner up -- Bad name for a new software product: WordPrefect (Paul Styrene, Olney; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) -- First Runner-Up -- Bad name for a new city: Hymietown (Thad Humphries, Warrenton; Paul Kocak, Syracuse) -- And the winner of the 1964 World's Fair ashtray: Bad name for a new breed of dog: The Needlenosed Buttsniffer(Erica Magram, Bowie) -- Honorable Mentions: Bad name for a new deodorant: Menses for Men (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) Arrid Extra Gooey (Mike Scheinberg, Durham, N.C.) "Down There" (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Shower-on-a-Stick (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Grandma's Old Fashioned Home-Style Chunky Antiperspirant (Russ Beland, Springfield) "I Can't Believe It's Not Halibut!" (Mike Scheinberg, Durham, N.C.) Bad name for a new car: The Pontiac Popemobile (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Pontiac Sunkist (Raj Iyer, Arlington) Mazda Pinata (Joseph Romm, Washington) Fiat Paparazzi (Meredith Robinson, Springfield) Cadillac Mob Coffin (Buckley S.P. Carlson, Washington) Geo "Parts" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Plymouth I-Think-I-Can I-Think-I-Can (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Triumph Backfire (Mark T. Early, Arlington) Pontiac Demo (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Suzuki Rollover (Eric Dunayer, Rockville) Ford "Gerald" (Harold Mantle, Darnestown) Bad name for a new breed of dog: Buttdragging Grasshound (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Land Mine Retriever (Keith Waites, Frederick) Clinton Foxhound (Susan Reese, Arlington) Mincing Little Rat Bastard Pomeranian From Hell (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Bad name for a new city: Ronald Reagan Washington National City (Nick Dierman, Columbia) Palookaville, USA (Christopher Hapner, Savannah) Receding Shores, Calif. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Turista Town (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Lesser Hyattsville (David Genser, Arlington) The Projects, N.J. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Millionaires-Who-Don't-Believe-in-Securityville (John Kammer, Herndon) Raljon (John Kammer, Herndon) Witness Protection Corners, Ind. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) King of Rwanda, Pa. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Bhopal-by-the-Sea (Nick Dierman, Columbia) Bad name for a battleship: The USS I'm With Stupid (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) USS Tickle Me Elmo (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) USS Doily (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) USS Pride of Baghdad (Patrick Tighe, Gaithersburg) USS Powderkeg (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) USS C'mon, Let's Talk About It. (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg) USS Cost Overrun (Joseph Romm, Washington) USS Noogie (Tom Restivo, Frederick) USS Cutie Pie (Carol Thompson, Largo, Fla.) USS OS (Jose Cortina, Centreville) Old Fiberglass Sides (John Kammer, Herndon) The Hesperus (Mark T. Early, Arlington) The USS Screen Door (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Bad name for new software: Microsoft or Else! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Java Screen Freezer (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Desktop Pornographer for Kids! (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) FontSmudge98 (Mike Scheinberg, Durham, N.C.) The High School SAT Preperation Kit (John Kammer, Herndon) Insufficient Memory to Run Me 98 (John Kammer, Herndon) Pong (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) Precision Pi Calculator (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Ted Kaczynski's Mailbox Plus (Mike Scheinberg, Durham, N.C.) Next Week: Ask Backward ====================================================================== WEEK 267, published April 26, 1998 Week 267: The Concept Concept This Week's Contest is to help out Joe Martin, the Chicago area cartoonist who draws "Mr. Boffo," the terrific strip that appears daily in The Washington Post. "Mr. Boffo" is one of those cartoons with a gimmick, the gimmick being that the cartoonist is essentially an insane demented maniacal lunatic with severe emotional problems. One of our favorite "Mr. Boffo" cartoons involves the following line: "If you bite one more of my fingers off, say goodbye to your other eyeball." Anyway, Joe Martin's oeuvre includes the occasional cartoon labeled "People Unclear on the Concept," four of which appear above. Your job is to come up with a situation for a People Unclear on the Concept cartoon. Joe will draw the winner and may even -- with the winner's permission -- use it in his syndicated strip. You have to describe the situation and supply any necessary dialogue. The first-prize winner gets a copy of the winning entry, drawn and autographed by Martin. Joe agreed to this in a telephone conversation punctuated every few seconds by a loud flushing noise at his end of the line. We tactfully ignored the first few, but after 35 or 40 whooshes and gurgles, we asked. He said, as though no other explanation were required, "Well, I am calling you from the men's room of a restaurant." First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 267, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 4. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Party No One Attends was written by Alan Smithee of Bethesda. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 264, in which we gave you 12 "Jeopardy!"-style answers and asked you to come up with appropriate questions. -- Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: Leonardo DiCaprio's dental hygienist. Question: Who is the only woman on earth likely to give Leonardo DiCaprio the brush? (Mike Genz, La Plata) -- Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Sunshine, lollipops and cancer. Question: What was the cargo on the Good Ship Lollipolyp? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) -- Third Runner-Up -- Answer: 1. Elvis. 2. Toto. 3. Socrates. Question: You are a peanut butter and bacon sandwich at the gates of Hell. Elvis, Toto and Socrates are standing inside, waiting to greet you. Your worst nightmare comes true. In which order do they approach?(Jim Pond, Silver Spring) -- Second Runner-Up -- Answer: The Farrakhan Express Card. Question: What is the chief rival of the Massa Card? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) -- First Runner-Up -- Answer: The Farrakhan Express Card. Question: What do you use to charge someone with racism? (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) -- And the winner of the nude license plate frame: Answer: Saddam and Eve. Question: Name two people who are famous for not having any brothers-in-law. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) -- Honorable Mentions: Answer: Dorcas McFutz Who is buried in Dorcas McFutz's tomb? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Who is the new McDonaldland character who keeps spilling hot coffee on herself? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What CBS rip-off of "Ally McBeal" is unlikely to attract the same young, hip viewers? (David Genser, Arlington) Answer: Darth Lewinsky Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, who blew an entire planet to smithereens? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Who is the mortal enemy of Princess Linda? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What infamous evil character has Vernon Jordan's voice? (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Answer: Saddam and Eve Name two people who are the mother of all mothers. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Answer: Leonardo DiCaprio's dental hygienist What has replaced "fashion designer" and "marine biologist" as the number one occupational fantasy among 14-year-old girls? (Ellen Cotter, Birmingham, Ala.) Who sends Leonardo DiCaprio a big bag of Oreo cookies right before his semiannual cleaning appointment? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Answer: Microsoft-brand doughnuts What keeps getting bigger and fatter every year but doesn't really taste any better? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What goes well with a cpu of coffee? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What product did the Justice Department enjoin from sale because it "enforced the simultaneous purchase of a potentially unwanted accessory item, to wit, the so-called 'hole' "? (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) What snack food can shut down your entire system for a week? (Jessica Clark, Washington) What sells well even though it's known to be full of bugs? (Jake Joseph, Gordonsville; Ned Bent, Herndon; Jose Cortina, Centreville) What tastes just like a 10-year-old apple? (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) What Microsoft product would leave a better taste in your mouth if it, instead of Internet Explorer Web browser, were jammed down your throat? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Answer: The Farrakhan Express Card What bank card charges an APR derived from the number of letters in the month, multiplied by the number of years since the death of Marcus Garvey and divided by the number of Jews in Hollywood? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; Jessica Clark, Washington; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What would be accepted everywhere were it not for the diabolical international Masonic-Zionist conspiracy? (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) Answer: What scans better than a Chumbawamba song? (Robert Perkins, Annandale) What is the tiny birthmark found on Al Gore's back next to his battery compartment and on-off switch? (Corey Jenkins, La Plata) Answer: The Book of Job, but not The Book of Love Name a book that ends with a lot of sheep and cattle bringing a man a lot of happiness. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) According to Bill Ginsburg, what did Monica buy at Kramerbooks? (David Genser, Arlington) Answer: Tinker to Evers to Leibniz What is announcer shorthand for a hard grounder scooped up by the shortstop, whipped to second for the force, and finally described as a spatiotemporal continuant, an existent without spatial parts but not without attributes? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What is probably a better double-play combination than Einstein to Euclid to Gehrig? (David Genser, Arlington) Answer: Bwa ha ha ha oink. What were the last words heard by victims of Porky the Ripper? (William M. Powell, Arlington) What did President Clinton say when he heard the Paula Jones lawsuit had been dismissed? (Jose Cortina, Centreville) Next Week: A Spork of Genius ====================================================================== WEEK 268, published May 3, 1998 Week 268: What Kind of Foal Am I? Mate Fleet Admiral with Nudge and name the foal Fleet Enema. Mate Dabney Carr with Mr. Freeze and name the foal Dabney Coldman. Mate Buff with Wild Colony and name the foal Nudist Colony. Mate Missionary to Over the Top and name the foal Man on Top. This Week's Contest was proposed, as it is every year, by Mike "Mikey the Tout" Hammer of Washington, who wins a trophy depicting a small but dignified replica of a horse's arse. The contest is to take the names of this year's Triple Crown nominees, mate any two of them, and propose a name for their foal. The list is below. You must adhere to the single rule of horse naming: The foal's name must be contained within 18 characters, including spaces. As always, ignore the gender of the horses if you happen to know them. First-prize winner receives a pair of genuine size 5 lace panties that play "You Are My Sunshine." They are worth $25. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 268, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Number No One Calls was written by Jennifer Hart of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 265, in which we asked you to come up with new products that are combinations of two existing products, like the spork. But first, a quick attaboy to the Style Invitational's own Robert Staake, of the St. Louis, Mo., Staakes. Bob has won the 1997 newspaper illustration Cartoonist of the Year "Reuben" award from the National Cartoonists Society. This is a highly prestigious honor that customarily makes cartoonists jack their fees right through the roof, extorting outlandish pay from the same kindhearted newspaper editors who had been nice enough to give the semiliterate slobs a decent wage for a few chicken scrawlings and look what it gets them: economic blackmail from sleazy, greedy, ungrateful, piece-of-human-waste criminal ingrates who drink too much. Don't try it, Bob, or we'll ruin you, close you down tighter than a kettledrum in pickle juice. And Congratulations! Back to sporks: Fourth Runner-Up: The Slipscoop: A combination bedroom slipper and pooper scooper. No need to stop and bend over; simply slipscoop it up and place-kick it over the neighbor's fence. Three points! (Sunny C. Doman, Falls Church) Third Runner-Up: Rogocaine--A cross between Rogaine and cocaine. It grows nose hair. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: Gromit--Combination syrup of ipecac and tile grout. Makes triumph out of tragedy when you don't quite make it to the toilet bowl. (Russ Beland, Springfield) First Runner-Up: The F'c'w'le'ha--A combination forecastle (fo'c's'le), gunwale (gunnel) and halfpenny (ha'p'n'y) I have no idea what it is, I just get a kick out of the idea that no one knows how to pronounce it. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of the Chinese Propaganda Record: AK-486--A combination of an AK-47 and the RU-486 "morning after" pill. This assault weapon has an automatic-delay firing pin, permitting disgruntled postal workers to rethink their rage. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: The Sigmoidoseat--A combination sigmoidoscope and deck chair, molded to resemble seats at the MCI arena. This chair allows you to watch the Wizards play on TV while staying at home, and you get the same sensation you'd have after shelling out $75 in the new arena. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) The Sport-futility vehicle--A combination futon and sport utility vehicle, this device is for people whose idea of off-road adventure is to pull off the road and take a nap. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Bordullo--Half brothel, half think tank. An establishment where Washington men go to pay for what they REALLY want: Cogent policy analysis. (David Genser, Arlington) The Escaladder--A combination escalator and ladder, similar to an escalator that you climb step by step. This device is often found in Metro stations. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Buzzclock--A combination buzz saw and alarm clock, this device activates a spinning blade in the headboard and a conveyor belt in the mattress after its snooze button is hit a third time. What time is it? Time to stop sawing wood! (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) The Pink--Pen and ink packaged together, so you don't have to keep refilling the pen. No muss, no fuss! (Russ Beland, Springfield) The Bassipult--A sound-activated bassinet and catapult. Never again be bothered by Baby crying in the night. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) The Heliblower--A combination helicopter and leaf blower, for people who want to one-up their neighbor's annoyingly loud lawn-maintenance appliances. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) The Remoilet--A combination remote channel changer and toilet. Not only do you not have to get up to change the channel, you don't have to get up for anything, ever. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And Last: Circlepost--The Washington Post printed in a round format. I know this doesn't fit the contest, but it would fit my parrot cage nicely. (Joe Ponessa, Philadelphia) Next Week: Definitely Weird A P Ruler; Accelerated Time; Aki Waki; Albadar; Allen's Oop; American Odyssey; Anejo Gold; Archers Bay; Artax; Ask Angelino; Athletic Prowess; Atlantic Fleet; Availability; Baquero; Basic Trainee; Battle Royale; Battle Sword; Beau Dancer; Besttobeabachelor; Billy Haggard; Black Cash; Blues Event; Bright Nova; Broad Jumper; Buddha's Delight; Buddy Raines; Buff; Bushs Boy; Call to Order; Cape Town; Captain Hook; Captain Maestri; Carloway; Carnivorous Habit; Carson City Bandit; Case Dismissed; Casimir; Castine; Cat Doctor; Celtic Lord; Change Over Time; Chateau Royal; Chemie; Cinnamon Creek; Clark Street; Classic Cat; Classic Time; Clever Actor; Close the Book; Clover Hunter; Comic Strip; Commitisize; Copelan Too; Coronado's Quest; Countess Diana; Court Costs; Covenant; Cowboy Dan; Crock of Gold; Crowd Pleaser; Crypto Comet; Cure the Devil; Czar Zarb. Da Devil; Dabney Carr; Dance Brightly; Daniel My Brother; Danielle's Gray; Danzigoer; Dawn Exodus; Dawson's Legacy; Del Mar Dancer; Demon's Law; Deputy Command; Deputy Diamond; Detective; Devilish Dan; Diamond; Diamond Studs; Dice Dancer; Disruptive; Dixie Dot Com; Dixie Dynamo; Doc Martin; Double Guarantee; Draw Again; Dublin Gene; E Z Line; Early Warning; East of Easy; Eetoo; El Estelar; Erasmus Hall; Errant Escort; Event of the Year; Excellent Luck; Expectations; Expressionist; FJ's Pace; Fallen Halo; Famed Tap; Fargo; Fat Lady's Maestro; Favorite Trick; Fight for M'Lady; Fire and Rain; Fire in the Hole; Firing Battery; First Step; Fleet Admiral; Full Brush; Futuristic; Gadilimi; Gambino; Giuseppi's Dream; Go Not Whoa; Gold Clearance; Golden Missile; Gonewithoutatrace; Good and Tough; Grand Slam; Great Expedition; Groovin; Guapo; Gunny Sarge. Haillye's Prince; Halo Flash; Halory Hunter; Halos and Horns; Hanuman Highway; Heart Surgeon; Hefferius; Here Comes Charlie; Hez a Keeper; Hibernian Rhapsody; Highland Friend; Highland Gold; Historic; Hitech; Holy Capote; Hot Wire; Hunter's Glory; I'll Play These; Iamsofortunate; Ian's Thunder; If Not You Who; Impressionist; Indian Charlie; Indy Talent; Indy's Special; Internet Blackout; Intimidate; Invest West; Jerash; Jerricho Shout; Jess M; Jigadee; Jigwater; Jody's Playmate; Joe's Field; Just Call Me Girl; Just a Devil; Just a Hint; Justamatteroftime; Keene Dancer; Kim's Testamony; Known Space; Kona Wind. La Jolla Slew; Ladies Din; Lady's Choice; Late Edition; Laydown; Leave a Legacy; Lexicon; Lightin' Gulch; Lil's Lad; Limit Out; Liquid Gold; Long Point; Lord Hansel; Lord Smith; Love Lock; Macho Amigo; Magest; Magic Cat; Magical; Make No Mistake; Malaka Head; Man Oh Man; Maneuvered; Manly Valentine; Mantles Star; Mark the Moment; Master O Foxhounds; Mellow Roll; Metatonia; Mickel the Mouse; Middlesex Drive; Missionary; Mister Business; Mojave Wind; Moonlight Meeting; Mount Defiance; Mountain Metal; Mr. Dixie; Mr. Fortune; Mr. Freeze; Mr. Saint; Mus Ad; Myfavorite Place. Natalis; Nationalore; Nite Dreamer; Northern Devil; Not Tricky; Nudge; Old Topper; Old Trieste; Olympus; One Bold Stroke; One Niner Tango; One Way Love; Opening Word; Ore Deal; Ormelie; Orville n Wilbur's; Outer Banks; Over the Top; P Day; Parade Ground; Pasay; Pine Harbor; Pirate Stronghold; Pleasant Breeze; Pleasant Drive; Polished Brass; Poolman; Power Train; Power and Peace; Prairie Storm; Prime Meridian; Prince Amilius; Princely Paul; Proper Performer; Proper Ridge; Prosperous Bid; Pulzarr; Puppet Master. Quake; Raffie's Majesty; Ragged Kingdom; Real Quiet; Recommended List; Red Reef; Red Wraith; Regal Zipper; Regent's Marque; Reraise; Rio Oro; Risky Buy; Road to Attack; Robinwould; Rock and Roll; Rubiyat; Run Runner. Sabre Mountain; Saint Gabriel; Salt Please; Sand Ridge; Saratoga Springs; Satanta; Savan; Score Early; Sea Scrolls; Sea of Secrets; Search Me; Seattle Lane; Secret Firm; Shalford's Honour; Shamrock City; Sheltowee Blues; Shooting Iron; Shot of Gold; Shrewd; Silver Chest; Silver Fax; Silver Launch; Silver Swinger; Silver's Prospect; Sir Caelan; Sir Jordan; Sir Mark; Skeaping; Sky Raven; Slaytheodds; Slew O'Quoit; Slick Report; Smolderin Heart; Snowbound; Soldieroffortune; Solid Wood; Sorceror; Soul Warrior; Souvenir Copy; Spartan Cat; Special Nash; Spring Clearance; Squall Valley; St. Michael; Star of Broadway; Stockwatch; Storm Flash; Storm Magest; Straithome; Stratus; Stritzel; Summer Squire; Sun Sail; Super Jet; Sutter; Swear by Dixie; Sweet Lord; Sweetsouthernsaint; Swig; Sydney Harbour. Tahoe Prospector; Teddy Boy; Temple Owl; Tenbyssimo; Tex Villa; The Gold Key; Thomas Jo; Thunderball; Tiger Shoals; Time Limit; Titus; Tomorrows Cat; Top Cop; Tramp Harbor; Transur; Treasury; Tricky Mizwaki; Tropic Lightning; Truluck; Turkish Prize; Twin Halo; Two O'Clock Rock; Undaunted Mettle; Unloosened; Unreal Love; Untold Story; Urgent Quest; Vergennes; Vernon Invader; Victory Express; Victory Gallop; Vincent Vega; Visit the Circle; Voyamerican; Wadi; Wallace; Wasatch; Watch the Bird; Well Noted; Well Stated; West Forty; Whataflashyactor; Whist; Wild Brain; Wild Colony; Wild Delight; Wild French Nights; Wild Jazz; Wild Memory; Wind Quest; Wiston Cheese; With Anticipation; Yarrow Brae; Yukon Pete; Zippy Zeal; Zonker. ====================================================================== WEEK 269, published May 10, 1998 Week 269: Signs, and The Times Problem: Prostitutes Solution: Venereal Disease Testing Area Problem: Traffic Congestion Solution: Lewinsky Stakeout Vehicles Only. All Others Will Be Towed. Problem: Panhandling Solution: Fight Homelessness! Give No Quarter! This week's contest was proposed by Mr. Marc Goldman of the Downtown D.C. Business Improvement District, an organization dedicated tirelessly to improving the lives of persons who live and work in D.C. in ways we are certain are extremely civic and do not involve the expenditure of vast amounts of money on idiotic enterprises such as Pavement Awareness Week. Marc proposes that you help his group come up with new, helpful signage for downtown streets. Currently, BID is seeking clever, zippy signs to prevent spill-back, or "blocking the box," which occurs when cars try to run lights that are turning red, get stuck and snarl the intersection. Your signs can address this problem, or any other downtown-type situation that might be improved by helpful messages. You must state the problem, and propose the sign to rectify it. Marc is a very upbeat, earnest, cheerful, mellow, slaphappy sort of guy (his office answering machine says 'Have a good day all day'), and he seemed a little concerned that the Style Invitational readers would use this opportunity to have their snide fun at the city's expense. We assured him that readers would exercise all the good taste, maturity and reverence we have come to expect of them. For proposing this contest, Marc wins a genuine four-foot length of yellow plastic POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS tape swiped by a Washington Post reporter from the scene of a felony on Pennsylvania Avenue. First-prize winner receives Not The New York Times, an original 1978 parody of the World's Most Pompous Newspaper published during the New York newspaper strike, containing headlines such as: "Sleepy Village's Dull Anecdote Is Grist for Reporters' Mill." It is worth $50. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 269, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ad No One Personally Gives a Crap About was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 266, in which we asked you to redefine any words from the dictionary. -- Seventh Runner-Up: Carcinoma -- n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) -- Sixth Runner-Up: Asunder -- adj., supine. (Jo Lombard, McLean) -- Fifth Runner-Up: Esplanade -- v., to attempt an explanation while drunk. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) -- Fourth Runner-Up: Willy-nilly -- adj., impotent. (Beth Benson, Lanham) -- Third Runner-Up: Flabbergasted -- adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained. (Michelle Feeley, Arlington) -- Second Runner-Up: Negligent -- adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) -- First Runner-Up: Excruciate -- n., the ligament that attaches your ex-wife to your paycheck. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) -- And the winner of the bag of 49 whoopie cushions: Canticle -- n., a modular office space so small and lightless that it saps an employee of all motivation. (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) -- Honorable Mentions: Perplexed -- adj., lost in a movie theater. (Michelle Feeley, Arlington) Population -- n., that nice sensation you get when drinking soda. (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington) Racket -- n., a small pair of breasts. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Lymph -- v., to walk with a lisp. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) Cafeteria -- n., A women's coffeehouse, where the clients drink coffee and cry. (Michael A. Genz, La Plata) Morass -- n., the mess you make when you can never have enough. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Gargoyle -- n., an olive-flavored mouthwash. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Bustard -- n., A very rude Metrobus driver. (Christopher Hapner, Savannah) Debentures -- n., false teeth bought on credit. (John Allen, Charlottesville) Nincompoop -- n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Ineffable -- adj., describes someone you absolutely cannot swear in front of, such as the Queen Mum, or Martha Stewart. (Jessica Henig, Northampton, Mass.) Pontificate -- n., a document given to each graduating pope. (Brian C. Broadus, Charlottesville) Seersucker -- n., an avid follower of Sydney Omarr, Serena Sabak, etc. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Coffee -- n., a person who is coughed upon. (David Hoffman, San Diego) Pimple -- n., a panderer's apprentice. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Discussion -- n., a Frisbee-related head injury. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Flatulence -- n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Hysteria -- n., the anguish caused by listening to low fidelity audio systems. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Peons -- n., service personnel who must endure the rabid tirades of angry customers. (Kevin Mellema, Silver Spring) Internet -- n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare Bill Clinton. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Balderdash -- n., a rapidly receding hairline. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) Polarize -- n., a very cold look. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Brisket -- n., a straw container for a mohel's instruments. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Bluestockings -- n., a woman's term for unfulfilled sexual arousal. (Kevin Mellema, Silver Spring) Mausoleum -- n., floor covering used in crypts. Attractive from the top and bottom. (Barbara Harrison, Hagerstown) Cursive -- adj., sort of cursing, i.e., "Oh, fiddlesticks," or "H-E-double toothpicks." (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Ozone -- n., area in which the G-spot is located. (Irwin L. Singer, Washington) Semantics -- n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Rectitude -- n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. (Kyle Bonney, Fairfax) Asterisk -- v., to inquire about the danger of a certain situation. (Jo Lombard, McLean) Buttress -- n., a long strand of derriere hair. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Lobster -- n., a slick-talking, oily, obnoxious person who represents special interest groups on Capitol Hill. (Elizabeth Monte, Fairfax) Foundling -- n., an apprehended child molester. (E.J. Lloyd, Fairfax Station) Amenorrhea -- n., excessive exaltations of the audience of some sleazy TV preacher. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Shadow -- n., a fish whose husband has died. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Macadam -- n., the first man on Earth, according to the Celtic bible. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Marionettes -- n., residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor. (Gary L. Kunz, Gaithersburg) Abdicate -- v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Oyster -- n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Circumvent -- n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Filibuster -- v., to issue a command to a service station attendant. (Jo Lombard, McLean) Flattery -- n., a place that manufactures A and B cup brassieres only. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Testicle -- n., a humorous question on an exam. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) Next Week: The Concept Concept ====================================================================== WEEK 270, published May 17, 1998 Week 270: Palinode -- Have Pun, Will Travel Mary didn't have a lamb, It was a stupid swine. She roasted it and called it ham. Delicious, with red wine. I took the path more traveled. The less traveled one was muddy. I had a pair of brand new shoes. Want to make something of it, buddy? This Week's Contest was proposed by Paul Styrene of Olney, who discovered an old poetic form called the "palinode," in which the poet retracts something said in an earlier poem, as in the examples above. Paul wins a copy of Dan Quayle's "American Family," signed by someone who was forging Quayle's signature, which seems somehow appropriate. Your poem must be four lines long and contain at least one rhyme. First-prize winner gets a nine-minute videotape of the National Flossing Council's 1998 ad campaign, in which famous toothsome persons such as Jerry Seinfeld and Kate Moss urge you to floss. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 270, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear No One Reads was written by Richard Leiby of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 267, in which you were asked to come up with "Unclear on the Concept" Concepts for Joe Martin, the cartoonist who draws Mr. Boffo. A daunting percentage of readers seemed unclear on the concept of being unclear on the concept. They sent hundreds of cartoon ideas involving silly people doing dumb things. Not good enough. To be unclear on the concept, in the Mr. Boffo sense, is to suffer from an overwhelming, profound disconnection between reality and your perception of reality. Joe Martin himself selected and drew the winner and first two runners-up. Plus, he's supplied autographed copies of his book, "Mr. Boffo, The First Decade" to all runners-up. Plus, he drew one final entry, though it did not fit his Concept concept. It fit his 'Land of the Tiny-Brained' concept. Fifth Runner-Up: Cockroaches Unclear on the Concept: Two roaches have walked into a roach motel. They are stepping in sticky, gooey stuff. Woman cockroach: "This is intolerable. Larry, call Housekeeping and complain ..." (Ned Bent, Herndon) Fourth Runner-Up: A National Organization for Women rally on the mall. Boffo has set up a food stand. Signs advertise: "Nice buns!" and "Great melons!" and "Luscious pieces of meat!" (John Oesterle, Burke) Third Runner-Up: New York Marathon. Boffo has a stand on the side of the road. He is selling Ex-Lax. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: Two woman pass a mime one the street. One says,"I wish he'd get out of that dumb box so I can hear what he's saying."(Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner Up: Boffo speaking at a sensitivity training seminar: "I believe the big fat slob in the back has a question." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the winner of this cartoon: Adam and Eve on first meeting. Adam: "Mom?!"(John Allen, Charlottesville) Honorable Mentions: A guy in dorky swim trunks and snorkel, with a blow-up ducky around his waist, walking into a tough inner-city pool room. (David Funkhouser, Rockville) A prophet in robes walking street with sign: "The World Will End in 2.6 Million Years." (Mike Genz, La Plata) Two sumo wrestlers, facing off in the ring. One is pointing to his thong and asking the other: "Does this make me look fat?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Condemned man positioned in guillotine. Machine has failed to operate properly. Technicians stand around looking at the mechanism, befuddled. Condemned man looks up and says: "Wait, I think I see the problem " (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A condemned man is finishing his last meal. He is asking for a doggie bag. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Man in confessional, to priest: "But enough about me " (John Allen, Charlottesville) Firing squad: The guys with the rifles are wearing blindfolds and smoking cigarettes. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Man and meter maid. She has handed him a ticket, and he is handing it back: "I'm sorry, ma'am, but you got a digit wrong on my license number, and this is a Mazda, not a Toyota." (Jeffrey Hamberger, Gaithersburg) Masked bank robber holding loot in one hand and gun in other, being chased by cop. Cop: "Halt, or I'll draw my gun." (David Genser, Arlington) Man in hospital, looking at newborn twins. "This is great. They'll keep each other entertained, and I'll be able to sleep through the night." (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Bank robber to teller: "On second thought, why don't you just deposit it into my account?" (Mike Genz, La Plata) Mr. Boffo is a guest on "Jerry Springer." Boffo: "Sorry, I can't discuss that. It's personal." (Gretchen Schieber, San Jose) And Last: I have a really great entry to this contest. I'm waiting for The Post to send a reporter to my home to interview me about it. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Next Week: What Kind of Foal Am I? People swan-diving off a bridge. Sign: "Cordless bungee jumping." (John Kammer, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 271, published May 24, 1998 Week 271: Yogi Bearer "It ain't over till it's over." "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six." "You can observe a lot just by watching." "Baseball is 90 percent mental, and the other half is physical." "Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded." This week's contest: All of the above quotes are attributed to Yogi Berra. In honor of Yogi's new book, "I Never Said All the Things I Said," John W. Manley of Alexandria suggests that you come up with new Yogi-isms. The thing that makes a Yogi-ism work is that it seems to make sense, but collapses like a souffle when you poke it a little. John wins a dollar bill hereby assessed as a fine upon Niels Hoven of Silver Spring, in punishment for whining about not receiving a prize for a previous contest proposal. Niels must mail the buck directly to John, or suffer the consequences. First-prize winner receives "Are You Hungry Tonight?" an elegant hardcover book featuring Elvis's favorite recipes, including "burnt bacon and mustard sandwiches," macaroni and cheese, kale and cheese, potato cheese soup, cheeseburgers, and, finally, bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches with, of course, "cheese." This is worth $20. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 271, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by Elden Carnahan of Laurel. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 268, in which you were asked to mate two of this year's Triple Crown nominee horses, and propose a name for their foal. Many names proved too easy: Any entry linking Broad Jumper to Bill Clinton, or Solid Wood to Viagra, was summarily eliminated. Fourth Runner-Up: Mate Dance Brightly with Carnivorous Habit and name the foal Joffrey Dahmer. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Mate Mark the Moment with P Day and name the foal Mark the Territory. (John Kammer, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: Clone Dublin Gene and name the foal Dublin Gene. (Russ Beland, Springfield) First Runner-Up: Mate Mark the Moment with Rubiyat and name the foal RubiyatOfOMarkIAm. (George Alan Esworthy and Carl Meredith, Cary, N.C.) And the winner of the musical panties: Mate Skeaping with Real Quiet and name the foal Susan McDougal. (Chris Kaufman, Lanham) Honorable Mentions: Mate Doc Martin with Comic Strip and name the foal Don Martin. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Mate Impressionist with Carnivorous Habit and name the foal Edvard Munch.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate Expressionist with Buff and name the foal Exhibitionist. (Randall Kunkel, Dale City; Harold Mantle, Darnestown) Mate Real Quiet with Treasury and name the foal Hush Money. (Julie Brinkman, Gaithersburg) Mate Satanta with Classic Cat and name the foal Satanta Claws. (Jose Cortina, Centreville) Mate Impressionist with I'll Play These and name the foal Mary Cassette. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate Dublin Gene with Fleet Admiral and then Solid Wood and name the foal Mick Fleetwood. (Jose Cortina, Centreville) Mate Fargo with Real Quiet and name the foal Coen of Silence. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Mate Reraise with Here Comes Charlie and name the foal Viagra. (Ed Dymula, Walkersville) Mate Bush's Boy with Impressionist and name the foal Clod Monet. (Jose Cortina, Centreville) Mate P Day with Poolman and name the foal P in Da Pool. (Larry Phillips, Olney; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate Zonker with Sand Ridge and name the foal Dunesbury. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Mate Leave a Legacy with Sir Jordan and name the foal Heir Jordan. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate Top Cop with Just Call Me Girl and name the foal J. Edgar. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Mate Gunny Sarge with Firing Battery and name the foal Gunny Sacked. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Mate Search Me with Titus and name the foal Cavity Search. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Mate Captain Hook with Tramp Harbor and name the foal Captain Hooker. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Mate Fire in the Hole with Allen's Oop and name the foal Burns and Allen. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Mate Bright Nova with Call to Order and name the foal Bagel n Lox to Go. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Mate Wallace with Accelerated Time and name the foal 50 Minutes. (Mike Hammer, Washington) Mate Shamrock City with Buff and name the foal Erin Go Braghless. (Larry Marcus, Avon) Mate Time Limit with Two O'Clock Rock and name the foal One O'Clock Viagra. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Mate Orville n Wilburs with Spring Clearance and name the foal Wrights of Spring. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate Eetoo with Macho Amigo and name the foal Eetoo Brute. (Larry Marcus, Avon) Mate Hez a Keeper with Make No Mistake and name the foal He Is a Keeper. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Mate Snowbound with Liquid Gold and name the foal Yellow Snow. (Bob Cramer, Annapolis; Russ Beland, Springfield) Mate Gambino with Early Warning and name the foal Cosa Nostradamus. (Chip Pfaller, Arlington) Mate Tricky Mizwaki with Not Tricky and name the foal Mizwaki. (Ned Bent, Herndon) Mate Besttobeabachelor with Tramp Harbor and name the foal Besttowearacondom. (John Kammer, Herndon) Mate Impressionist with Rock and Roll and name the foal Monet Monet. (Russell W. Beland, Springfield) Mate Pulzar with Wind Quest and name the foal Pulz My Finger. (Dave Garratt, Greenbelt) Mate Carnivorous Habit with Heart Surgeon and name the foal Eat Your Heart Out. (Baylen Linnekin, Washington) Mate Sydney Harbor with Cat Doctor and name the foal Aussie n Herriot. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate Fire in the Hole with Cure the Devil and name the foal Preparation H. (Ellen Cotter, Birmingham, Ala.) Mate Middlesex Drive with Here Comes Charlie and name the foal Viagra. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Mate Carnivorous Habit with Search Me and name the foal Bite Me. (John Kammer, Herndon) Mate P Day with Allen's Oop and name the foal Poop. (Dave Garratt, Greenbelt) Mate Besttobeabachelor with Allen's Oop and name the foal Woody Weds Soon-Yi. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Mate Swig with Heart Surgeon and name the foal Malpractice. (Jessica Henig, Takoma Park) Mate Impressionist with Fire in the Hole and name the foal Artsy Fartsy. (Bruce McNeill, Vienna) Next Week: Signs, and the Times ====================================================================== WEEK 272, published May 31, 1998 Week 272: Picture This This Week's Contest: What is happening in these cartoons? Choose one or more. First-prize winner receives a genuine, vintage 1970-era four-piece beer tankard serving set from Playboy Clubs International. It is worth $40. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 272, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 8. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Index No One Needs was written by Richard Leiby of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 269, in which you were asked to help the Business Improvement District come up with helpful signage to alleviate problems in downtown D.C. -- Fifth Runner-Up: Problem: Geezers driving slowly in fast lane. Solution: "Porkpie Hat Superstore. Exit Right Lane Only."(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) -- Fourth Runner-Up: Problem: People standing on street corners, screaming at sky. Solution: "Stand Near Sign and Shout to Call for St. Elizabeths Bus Pickup." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) -- Third Runner-Up: Problem: Trespassing on grassy areas. Solution: "Please Don't Feed the Rats." (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) -- Second Runner-Up: Problem: Food on the Metro. Solution: "You Eat It, You Share It" (drawing of someone eating a sub, stunned to see someone else eating it from the other side). (David Genser, Arlington) -- First Runner-Up: Problem: Unauthorized use of parking spaces for the handicapped. Solution: "Parking Reserved Only for Pedophiles and Cars With Handicapped Tags." (William M. Powell, Arlington) -- And the winner of Not The New York Times: Problem: Traffic congestion on 14th Street Bridge. Solution: "Runway 90L." (David Litman, Arlington) -- Honorable Mentions: Problem: The middle class is fleeing to the suburbs, the infrastructure is crumbling, corruption is rampant, schools are under-funded and the government lacks the vision to even begin addressing the issues. Solution: "Thank you for Not Fleeing to the Suburbs, Neglecting the Infrastructure, Being Corrupt, Under-Funding the Schools, or Lacking the Vision to Even Begin Addressing the Issues." (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) Problem: Pigeons. Solution: "Pigeons. Your Natural Source of Viagra." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Problem: "Blocking the box," by trying to run a yellow light and getting caught in the middle of the intersection at 18th and P, near the Iraqi Embassy. Solution: "No Blocking the Box. Violators Will Be Beheaded." (Jo Lombard, McLean) Problem: Prostitution. Solution: "City Not Responsible for Transvestites." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Problem: No parking spaces downtown because people park and feed meters all day. Solution: "Metered Parking -- Silver Dollars Only." (Jo Lombard, McLean) Problem: Speeding. Solution: "Nudist Crossing." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Problem: Panic in Metro station when ground seems to move under feet. Solution: "Alert -- Elevator Actually Works Today!" (David Genser, Arlington) Problem: Crowded Metro trains. Solution: All stations labeled "Grosvenor." (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Problem: Crime. Solution: Solution:"This Street Has Gone FIVE Hours Without an Act of Random Violence" (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Problem: Edgy tourists. Solution: "It Was Probably Only a Car Backfiring." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Problem: Full parking garages. Solution: "Discount Rate for Ryder Trucks!" (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Problem: Jaywalking on K Street. Solution: "Jaywalkers Will Be Disbarred." (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring) Problem: Image of D.C. as an incompetently run municipality. Solution: "Welcome to D.C, a Competently Run Municipality" (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Problem: Micro-management by government bureaucracies. Solution: Rectangular metal signs, four feet in width, two feet in height, of a depth no more than .1 inches and no less than .07 inches, displayed in every government building, spaced seven feet apart at eye level for a man of 5 feet 11 inches, saying, "Please Do Not Micromanage." (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) Problem: Long lines at Washington Monument. Solution: "Elevator Out of Order." (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Problem: People sticking hands in Metro doorways. Solution: "Leave Hand in Door, Leave Hand in Door." (David Genser, Arlington) Problem: Declining tourism. Solution: "Visitors! Be Sure to Tell Your Next of Kin About Downtown D.C." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Problem: Inappropriate partisanship in naming buildings. Solution: "Ronald Wilson Reagan Blue Plains Sewage Treatment Plant." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Problem: Middle class fleeing the city. Solution: At all entrance points to D.C.: "Welcome to Bethesda." (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) Next Week: Palinode -- Have Pun, Will Travel ====================================================================== WEEK 273, published June 7, 1998 Week 273: Unseens We'd Like to See A Children's Book You Will Never See: "Mommy and Daddy Are Getting a Divorce and It's All Your Fault" A TV Sitcom You Will Never See: "The Alan Greenspan Show" A Political Slogan That Will Never Make It: "He'll Be a Big Brother to You" Something That Will Never Become an Olympic Sport: Synchronized Head-Patting and Belly-Rubbing This Week's Contest was proposed by Michael Farquhar of Washington, who wins a handsomely embossed promise that we will no longer humiliate him in print every time he proposes a contest. Michael is a fine lad, a man of irreproachable moral character, a highly competent professional who, with just a few career "breaks" along the way, might have made something of himself instead of becoming a simpering lickspittle. Also -- and we mean no disrespect here -- Michael has absolutely no behind. It is as though God simply forgot, for a moment, at the birth of Michael Farquhar, that humans must sit, wear pants, and in his case, display the occasional "Kick Me" sign. Anyway, Michael suggests that you provide examples for any of the four above categories. First-prize winner gets a gigantic poster of the World Champion 1937 Washington Redskins, who appear to be a bunch of flabby, pasty-faced white guys with leather helmets and codpieces. It is worth $30. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 273, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 15. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ad No One Notices was written by Russ Beland of Springfield. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 270, in which we asked you to come up with four-line palinodes, poems that begin by retracting something written in a previous poem. -- Fourth Runner-Up: It looked extremely rosy for the Mudville Nine that day, They led by four to two with just one inning left to play. But they lost when in the ninth they coughed up three big scores.(Mudville had a bullpen e'en worse than Baltimore's.) (Gary Lefkowitz, Springfield) -- Third Runner-Up: I send back your tired, your poor, Your wretched, huddled masses. Au revoir, don't let the door Hit you in the asses. (Phil Edgren, Silver Spring) -- Second Runner-Up: Don't listen, my children, lest you hear About that populist moron, Paul Revere, Who thought common rabble were better than thrones. We gave up Princess Di, but we kept Paula Jones. (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase) -- First Runner-Up: For it's Din! Din! Din! You dirty double-crosser, Gunga Din! India's shame is what you brought 'er. What you bore was heavy water. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) -- And the winner of the National Flossing Council's 1998 ad campaign videotape: Once upon a morning sunny, not a raven but a bunny Seeming strange and strangely funny, to my horror and my shock Upon my bust of Pallas sat. I cried, "What are you looking at? My solitude, is it that? My sorrow do you mock?" Quoth the bunny, "What's up, Doc?" (Jon Chananie, Washington) -- Honorable Mentions: Jack and Jill went up no hill, There was no pail of water. Still, the tumble that they took Produced a lovely daughter. (Ruth Heitin, Alexandria) I do like green eggs and ham. They are helpful in my scam. In the lunchroom of my employer, I'll scarf them up, then call my lawyer. (Barney Kaufman, Manassas) Today I saw a purple cow. The sight was most arresting. It limped away from India's Thermonuclear testing. (Ned Bent, Herndon) Solomon Grundy Aborted on Monday, So you'll see no poems About Solomon Grundy. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Grecian urns suck. They deserve not an ode. A more verse-worthy pot Is the modern commode. (Harold J. Rennett, Rockville) Please go gentle into that good night, Do not rage against the dying of the light. I want to swim naked in the South of France And I need my damn inheritance. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Jack wasn't nimble, nor was he quick, No stranger was he to scandals. One day he leapt two flames at once, And burned his end at both candles. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Glory be to God for unmarked things. Can nothing cure the spots that mar the cow? Give me the swan that flies on pure white wings. Who needs a girl with freckles, anyhow? (Bob Hall, Columbia) Hope ain't the thing with feathers. The thing with feathers is birds. Hope is the thing with lawyers Who get you off by twisting words. (E.J. Lloyd, Fairfax Station) Beauty and Truth are not the same. And an urn is just a pot. That is all you need to know, And, really, that's a lot. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Next Week: Yogi Bearer ====================================================================== WEEK 274, published June 14, 1998 Week 274: the DROLL of a lifetime "I'd just as soon it wasn't cut into those funny little pieces. If you don't mind." "Bear in mind we just bought string bikinis." "Cell phones! Get your cell phones here! Cell phones!" "Apparently, it has something to do with el Nino." "You're just in time. We're having vegetarian chili tonight." "We'll take it." This Week's Contest was proposed by Robert Staake, of the St. Louis, Mo., Staakes. Being a cartoonist himself, Robert is a big fan of the cartoons in the New Yorker, although, like anyone who is not a member of the snot-nosed latte-sipping Manhattan intelligentsia, he sometimes has no idea what they mean. Inspired by some recent New Yorker cartoons, Bob redrew them a little (to avoid pesky problems with copyright infringement, lawsuits, lengthy prison terms, etc.) and reproduced them here. Unfortunately, he accidentally scissored off the original captions, and when he tried to match caption back to cartoon, he might have made some mistakes. He may even have included captions from other cartoons in the magazine. But we can't be sure. With the New Yorker, it is sometimes hard to tell. Your challenge this week is to be the New Yorker comics editor, and explain to readers of The Washington Post why the above jokes are charmingly witty, exactly as they appear above. Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a two-foot-high stack of bound volumes, in beautiful pastels, of the single most stultifying document we at The Washington Post (Motto: "Official Repository of Documents So Boring They Could Sedate a Hyena") have ever seen, to wit: "The Economic Report of the President, 1979-1990." This rare collection, stolen from the wastebasket of an extremely important National Desk reporter, is worth $123 in 1981 dollars, adjusted for inflation. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 274, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 22. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Abrv No One Ntcs was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 271, in which you were asked to invent modern Yogi Berra-isms. This proved very hard. A Yogi-ism is a subtle thing. It entails a rare balancing act: a statement that teeters briefly on a tightrope between the profound and the ridiculous, and then falls on its keister with a thud and a splat. Mostly, you failed. You resorted to simple malapropisms ("My son is a child progeny") or self-referential ironies ("Nostalgia ain't what it used to be") or mangled metaphors ("You can't make an omelet without walking on eggshells"). Observed Dave Zarrow of Herndon: "When Yogi is on his deathbed, he will say of his life's work as a mangler of words: 'It ain't oeuvre till it's oeuvre.' " Clever, but waaaay too la-di-da for Yogi, a man born with three days' stubble and a body like the Tasmanian Devil. The fact is, the contest's limp results persuaded us that Mr. Berra is a rare genius, a man who could catch a curve, hit a curve, and then wind up his tongue and throw a curve that comes in straight but breaks sharply down and in the dirt. -- Third Runner-Up: "Whether you win or lose depends on the score."(Ray Clarke, Quinque, Va.) -- Second Runner-Up: "I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) -- First Runner-Up: "I never go to all-you-can-eat places. I just can't eat that much." (Jerrold M. Witcher, Takoma Park; Russ Beland, Springfield) -- And the winner of the Elvis cookbook: "The great thing about VCRs is you can see shows without having to watch them." (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) -- Honorable Mentions: "They should make Viagra for women, so men aren't the ones having to wait an hour." (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) "They say the lottery is an 80 million-to-one shot, but that ain't so if you got all six numbers." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) "After I am buried they should put nice things on my tombstone; otherwise I will feel bad." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "I didn't know he was still alive until I read that he had died." (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) "If we can outscore 'em, we'll probably beat 'em." (Jose Cortina, Centreville) "If you have to ask, you need to find out." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Money is the key to financial success." (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) "I'd pay anything to be rich." (Michael A. Genz, La Plata) "Anyone who isn't confused about Central America doesn't understand it." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Joseph Romm, Washington) "In a dangerous neighborhood, always walk backward so no one can sneak up on you." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) "You gotta start your kids out young." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) "To win a race, you've either got to take bigger steps than the next guy, or more of them." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) "Sometimes you have to look really close at the big picture." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "I intend to live 24 hours per day until the day I die." (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) "The thing about religion is you just have to believe in it." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "It ain't over till the fat lady says it's over." (Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Arlington) Next Week: Picture This ====================================================================== WEEK 275, published June 21, 1998 Week 275: There once was a contest from Nantucket... There once was a lady from Laurel Renowned for accomplishments oral. What's that, you mutter? Your mind's in the gutter! She's a pastor. Her sermons are moral. There once was a man from Dunn Loring Who was most unacceptably boring. When he told a few jokes He got a buzz out of folks. Unfortunately, most were just snoring. There once was a man from Fauquier... This Week's Contest was suggested by Jimmy Jung of Falls Church, who wins a packet of "Aged Garlic Extract" caplets, mailed on the very day that the Journal of the American Medical Association declared that garlic, contrary to industry claims, has no beneficial effects on cholesterol levels. Jimmy suggests that you write a limerick, like the two above, requiring a first line about someone who comes from some place in the Washington area. First-prize winner gets an unopened, vintage 1992 board game, "Running for President," a canny, witty, politically astute game that flopped like a flounder on linoleum. It's worth $20. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 275, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 29. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Box No One Opens was written by Russ Beland and Maureen Flaherty of Springfield. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 272, in which you were asked to supply captions to any of six cartoons. But first, an important message. Elden Carnahan of Laurel, the official historian of the Style Invitational, notifies us of the impendence of a Wondrous Event. In the next two or three weeks, some newcomer will become the 2,000th reader to have his or her name published for the first time in the Invitational. When this occurs, we will celebrate in typical Style Invitational fashion, which will involve the public humiliation of the luckless Loser 2000. Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) Wile E. Coyote had better watch out, now that the Road Runner has retained counsel. (Stu Solomon, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) The Quayle 2000 campaign slogan of "A Chicken in Every Garage" actually caught on! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) Concerned White House staffer takes a moment to notify Ken Starr that his office building is on fire.(Michael Wright, Washington) And the winner of the Playboy Club tankards: (Cartoon E) Would the croc buy Walter's last-ditch claim that he was the Tooth Fairy? (Edward Mickolus, Dunn Loring) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: The makers of Viagra begin a national billboard campaign. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Ironically, Larry misjudged the space remaining on the "FORESIGHT!" sign. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It was soon apparent that the entire Gettysburg Address would not fit on the billboard. (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring) New York City's new tourism slogan is concise and to the point. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Justin Warner, Washington) Dan Quayle demonstrates his support for phonics. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Not to be outdone by the federal government, the cash-strapped District starts work on its FDR memorial. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Cartoon B: Just another guy who can't figure out how to get down off a duck. (Russ Beland, Springfield) True, it was a very small commuter flight, but Henry found the dinner of regurgitated worms smooth and easy to digest. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Just another chicken-sit contest in the Style Invitational. (David Genser, Arlington) After so many contenders dropped out, Real Quiet's competition in the Preakness was not that impressive. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) It's the fifth race at Aqueduck. (Paul J. Crystal, Arlington) At last, the answer: The chicken crossed the road because his jockey was wearing spurs. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cartoon C: Dilbert has just discovered the hidden camera. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Kathie Lee hauls out pictures of her son, Cody, as a zygote. (Paul Styrene, Olney) The boob tube. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac; Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Cartoon D: Patty Beth grew up to become chief of the India/Pakistan division at the CIA. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) After years of extensive and expensive testing, government scientists say they have at last found the solution to the "ice cream dripping from the hole in the bottom of the sugar cone" problem. (Tansy Matthews, Reston) The inventor of the upside-down cake never did match her success in subsequent experiments. (Peter J. Hughes, Alexandria) When little Salome wanted a treat, she would ask for the head of Mister Softee. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) At last, the new Spice Girl: "Even Dumber Than the Others" Spice. (Susan Reese, Arlington) A few bugs still had to be worked out after the opening of the first Ben & Jerry's in Sydney. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Cartoon E: ValuJet unveils its new corporate logo. (Cynthia Coe and Ray Aragon, Bethesda) An experimental theater company is simultaneously staging "Death of a Salesman" and "Peter Pan." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Demonstrating a survival tip: Alligators are repelled by human armpit odor. Or, wait, maybe it is crocodiles that are repelled ... (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) Cartoon F: On his deathbed, seeking his final resting place, Robin Hood was forced to shoot one more time. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) In response to nuclear tests by India and Pakistan, Bangladesh tests its own long-range weapons system. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) Next Week: Unseens We'd Like to See ====================================================================== WEEK 276, published June 28, 1998 Week 276: Spit the Difference The Human Navel Stephen Glass's Reputation 1-800-HER-LOVE A 1958 VW Bug A 1998 VW Bug Satan That "Not So Fresh" Feeling Cal's Streak The Washington Mystics The Yen A Chicken William Ginsburg, Esq. Sigmund Freud's Mother Toy Boat Toy Boat Toy Boyt Q: What's the difference between a 1958 VW Bug and a 1998 VW Bug? A: About 12" on the belt size of the owner This Week's Contest: Tell us the difference between any two of the above. (As in, "What is the difference between the yen and Stephen Glass's reputation? The yen could, technically, still fall a little more.") First-prize winner gets a "That Girl" T-shirt, featuring a likeness of Monica Lewinsky, donated to the Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins an antique plastic enema inserter, dug up from a construction site and donated to the Style Invitational by Sandra Hull of Arlington, who doesn't win anything because, after all, how low can you go? First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 276, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 6. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 273, in which you were asked to come up with bad ideas for a children's book, a political slogan, an Olympic sport or a TV sitcom. But first, an announcement. This week's results contain the name of Loser 2000, the 2,000th reader to appear in the Style Invitational. We notified him, and solemnly promised that we would not "print" anything remotely embarrassing to him. u Third Runner-Up: Something That Will Never Become an Olympic Sport -- Throwing Like a Girl (Kenneth Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) u Second Runner-Up: A Children's Book You Will Never See -- "You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia) u First Runner-Up: A Children's Book You Will Never See -- "Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) u And the winner of the Washington Redskins poster: A Political Slogan That Will Never Make It -- "I Am Wanting Very Very Much to Be Your President of America."(E.J. Lloyd, Fairfax Station) u Honorable Mentions: Something That Will Never Become An Olympic Sport: Chutes and Ladders (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Broken Beer-Bottle Fencing (Martin Keutel, Alexandria) Greco-Roman Twister (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Football With a Paper Triangle on a Table (Martin Keutel, Alexandria) Driving While Putting On Makeup (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Stop, Drop and Roll (Laurie Geller, Washington) Coach Choking (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Sliding a Chunk of Granite Down the Ice as Pudgy Guys With Brooms and Unmatched Shoes Sweep a Path for It (Jenny Gundersen, Chapel Hill) Holding Your Breath Underwater (Ben Margulies, Bethesda) A Political Slogan That Will Never Make It: "Ruthann Aron in 2000" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Vote for Me and I'll Vote for You." (Paul K. Allen, Greenbelt) "Invoke Cloture on H.R. 4921!" (David Genser, Arlington) "Unqualifiedly the Best Candidate" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "I Am Not a Crook, Either" (Kenneth Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "He'll stay Bought" (William Powell, Arlington) "We Must Get On the Next Comet" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "We Need a New Constitution!" (Jeff Becan, Washington) A Children's Book You Will Never See: "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington) "The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion" (David Genser, Arlington) "How to Dress Sexy for Grownups" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" (Thomas Drucker, Carlisle, Pa.) "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) "Where's Godot?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" (David Genser, Arlington) "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) "All Dogs Go to Hell" (Joseph Romm, Washington) "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" (Joseph Romm, Washington) "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" (John Kammer, Herndon) "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" (Kenneth Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" (Martin Keutel, Alexandria) "Bi-Curious George" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver" (Russ Beland, Springfield) "You Are Different and That's Bad" (Christopher Richard, Springfield) A TV Sitcom You Will Never See: "Mahmoud and Svetlana" (Warren Blair, Ashburn) "Ginsburg Knows Best" (Philip Vitale, Arlington) "The New Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour" (David DeCouto, Lanham) Next Week: The Droll of a Lifetime ====================================================================== WEEK 277, published July 5, 1998 Week 277: Life in the Blurbs The Wizard of Oz: A girl is transported into a surreal universe, and kills the first woman she sees. Teaming up with two cyborgs and a huge feral cat A Tale of Two Cities: Headless corpses terrorize a city Gone With the Wind: Sexy teen temptress marries a succession of older men, each of whom dies under mysterious circumstances A Chorus Line: Thirteen young persons with excellent bodies cavort in leotards This Week's Contest was suggested by Jeffrey Ehrlich of Arlington, who wins "What Bird Did That?" a guide to identifying windshield poop. Jeffrey suggests that you come up with a simple plot summary to help attract the modern audience to any classic work of fiction -- book, play or movie. The blurb may emphasize whatever plot details you wish, and may interpret them liberally, but it must be literally true and defensible. First-prize winner gets an antique velour rug celebrating the moon landing, in which Edwin Aldrin appears to be brandishing one of those wand-type metal detectors used by old men on Florida beaches in flip-flops and Bermuda shorts. This is worth $30. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 277, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 13. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by Jean Sorensen of Herndon. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 274, in which we asked you to pose as the comics editor of the New Yorker, and explain why these six inscrutable cartoons were funny. Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon E) -- This is funny because the people in the cartoon are ludicrously nouveau riche, which is evidenced by the fact that the painting in the background is hung upside down! (John Kammer, Herndon) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) -- How could it be El Nino's fault that the woman is drinking red wine from a glass intended for white Bordeaux?? (Russ Beland, Springfield; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the Economic Report of the President, 1979-1990:(Cartoon A) This is a beguiling visual pun. The computer technician patiently explains that any video display is composed of tiny dots, but the businessman does not grasp this concept because he is, as usual, pixilated. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: This is funny because we New Yorkers never say "if you don't mind." Quite frankly, we don't care if you do mind, because you are of no consequence. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cartoon B: This is amusing because the trees as drawn are not indigenous to the area. (John Kammer, Herndon) New York has alternate side of the street parking. This sign is for alternative lifestyle side of the street parking. This is extremely clever. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) Cartoon C: The reading lamp is so estranged from the chair, it tickles one's sense of aesthetics. As such, this is a wry comment on form and function. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Here we have classic comic juxtaposition, namely the modern yuppie technology, represented by cell phones, with life in a trailer park, represented by the gunshot holes in the wall. (John Kammer, Herndon) The irony is risible: Advertising cell phones by shouting is like advertising radio shows on TV. (Russ Beland, Springfield) By offering "cell" phones, the lady is mockingly imploring her husband to call an exterminator to get rid of the bees that are all over the walls. The other "woman" is a queen. (David Genser, Arlington) Cartoon D: Ca ne fait rien de quoi il parle. On a blame El Nino pour autant de choses que l'invocation simple est devenu amusant. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) In an upscale restaurant, it would be much too gauche to bellow out something like, "Hey, did somebody sit on a duck?" so the pregnant pause that occurs after someone commits a social indiscretion must be addressed in a more polite manner. (John Kammer, Herndon) This is a statement about appearances, sexuality and the amusing lengths to which declasse women will go to please men. In an effort to simulate cleavage, the woman has drawn a "V" on her chest with a magic marker! (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Cartoon E: "Vegetarian Chili" is SoHo Rhyming Slang for "Milli Vanilli," an hilarious indictment of an hollowly pretentious occasion. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) This one evidences a measure of verbal mischief. The man shows mild displeasure because he does not like to "meat" people at art galleries. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) Cartoon F: Okay, I admit it. This was a playful gibe at ourselves. Since the cartoon isn't funny, we made the caption an anagram for "Little Weak." (Russ Beland, Springfield) A television in a room with an arched doorway? Please. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The joke is based on the fact that the television is not cable-ready. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Next Week: There Once Was a Contest From Nantucket ====================================================================== WEEK 278, published July 12, 1998 Week 278: The Stale Invitational Typewrither -- A word processor used in the production of cheap porn. Microsofa -- A new firm with the stated goal of controlling 90 percent of the world couch market. Bumbo -- A male bimbo. (See Fabio) Underpasts -- Men's underpants, still in circulation, that have been permitted to degrade until they are basically the texture and thickness of a facial tissue. Farmageddon -- A Nebraska homestead destroyed by tornadoes. This Week's Contest: Begin with a word. Add, subtract or change a single letter only, and then provide a new definition. First-prize winner gets a two-foot-high baby bottle, which is worth $20. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 278, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 20. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Index No One Needs was written by Richard Leiby of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 275, in which you were asked to come up with limericks about someone who lives in the Washington area. One note: You showed yourselves to be clever and inventive, but not very lyrical. Your poems required substantial editing for rhyme and meter. We would conclude that you have "tin ears," but that would be unfair to tin, a perfectly nice substance. No, your ears are more like "phlegm-ears," or "Vaseline-and-catsup-ears," or "that-membrane-that-covers-your-dog's-eyeball-when-he-is-asleep-ears." Anyway, grading limericks is tough. When points are awarded for degree of difficulty, as they must be, some of the worst poems ever crafted can ooze their way into print, such as this ghastly mess by Elden Carnahan of Laurel: A yuppie who lived in Annapolis / Drank Evian to keep himself Snapple-less. / He wore Birkenstock hose, / And his sound system (Bose) / Played jazz, not John Tesh or that crap o' Liszt. * Third Runner-Up: There once was a dancer from Towson, Who shimmied without any blowson. Removing her raiment Brought annual payment Of sixty or seventy thowson.(David Smith, Berkeley, Calif.) * Second Runner-Up: Two Amish lads from McLean Had ambitions to deal in cocaine, They'd no cartel, just cart But their "cover" was smart. Now they're millionaires, simple and plain. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) * First Runner-Up: Ben, who was wanted in Cheverly, Evaded the cops rather cleverly. With the dragnet convergin' He consulted a surgeon, Now he's living in Fairfax as Beverly. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) * And the winner of the "Running for President" game: An addled old dame from Ward 3 Tells her chauffeur, "To Raleigh's, Henri -- Then Garfinckel's next, And Lansburgh's, and Peck's, And Woodies on F Street for tea." (Courtney Knauth, Washington) * Honorable Mentions: There once was a man from Manassas, Who wed the most vengeful of lasses. You remember his name For, though fleeting is fame, Notoriety's what never passes. (David Smith, Berkeley, Calif.) An impotent man out in Crofton, Desired his sex much more often. "Pay up, HMO ..." The insurer said no, Its firm stance on Viagra won't soften. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) There once was a girl from Chantilly Who was fiercely pursued by Slick Willie, Said she with a sigh, I'm not lord of your fly I'm as pure as Milli Vanilli. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) William, of Capitol Heights, Is a minister, daytime and nights. Without hesitation His small congregation Dubbed him D.C.'s Bill of Rites. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) A doyenne from Takoma Park Returning one evening at dark, Decided to take A jaunt by the lake, And encountered a ma'am-eating shark. (Mary Jane Mitchell, Ellicott City) A hostess of note from McLean, Treated the help with disdain. Till, at one of her "do's" She noticed the booze Was too yellow by far for champagne. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A Warrenton lass named McKinnon, Met a horseman who had a big grin on. "What county is this?" He asked, stealing a kiss. She said, "Fauquier, and the horse you rode in on." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) A sick gal from near Tysons Corner, Had insurance that made her forlorner. Despite fever and chills, It rejected her bills, All of her friends now must mourn her. (Joseph B. Pincus, Springfield) There was a young lady from Cheltenham Who bought some new pants and looked sveltenham, If a little bit red. When asked why, she said, "It's because of how tightly I'm beltenham." (David Smith, Berkeley, Calif.) Next Week: Spit the Difference ====================================================================== WEEK 279, published July 19, 1998 Week 279: Treacle-Down Theory She smiled at a sorrowful stranger. The smile seemed to make him feel better. He remembered past kindnesses of a friend And wrote her a thank-you letter. The friend was so pleased with the thank you, That she left a large tip after lunch. The waitress, surprised by the size of the tip, Bet the whole thing on a hunch. The next day she picked up her winnings, And gave part to a man on the street. The man on the street was grateful; For two days he'd had nothing to eat. After he finished his dinner, He left for his small dingy room. He didn't know at that moment That he might be facing his doom. On the way he picked up a shivering puppy And took him home to get warm. The puppy was very grateful To be in out of the storm. That night the house caught on fire. The puppy barked the alarm. He barked till he woke the whole household And saved everybody from harm. One of the boys that he rescued Grew up to be President. All this because of a simple smile That hadn't cost a cent. The revolting inspirational poem above has been circulating on the Internet; if you send it to friends, you are assured good luck yada yada yada. This Week's Contest is to come up with an even more treacly and deeply moving piece of crap, of any length. It must somehow mine joy and goopy inspiration from the vicissitudes of life. It must also rhyme. First-prize winner gets a framed photograph of William Howard Taft on the back of a very beleaguered-looking horse. This is worth $25. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 279, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 27. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 276, in which you were asked to tell us the difference between any two items from a list of 14 we supplied. Many of you incorrectly assumed that "1-800-HER-LOVE was a phone sex line. It is not. It is the telephone number of Mervis Diamond Importers Inc. and, quite possibly, the single most cynical advertising device in history. We hereby condemn Ronnie Mervis to Purgatory, by which we mean a place in which stray dogs defecate fine diamonds and the only truly valuable commodity, the only currency with which one can buy oneself a ticket out, is humility. One other piece of unfinished business: We are in receipt of correspondence from Mr. Russell Beland, of Springfield, Va., complaining that we did not officially give him credit for proposing this contest. He first proposed it in 1993, and believes that every time we use it -- this is the third -- we should again credit him. We hereby consign Russell Beland to apprentice duty in Ronnie's Purgatory, which also, as it happens, features a dunk tank in which vainglorious publicity-seeking chowderheads are lowered into a septic tank every time a diamond hits the gutter. Fifth Runner-Up: What is the difference between Satan and a 1958 VW Bug? Hitler never got to see the 1958 VW Bug. (Ian Morrissey, Walkersville) Fourth Runner-Up: What is the difference between a 1958 VW Bug and Cal's streak? During Cal's streak, it took forever to shift to third. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: What is the difference between 1-800-HER-LOVE and that not-so-fresh feeling? Diamonds are a girl's best friend. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: What is the difference between a 1998 VW Bug and "Toy Boat Toy Boat Toy Boyt?" Actually, there is no difference. In both cases, every third one is defective.(Dirk L. French, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: What is the difference between William Ginsburg, Esq., and a chicken? A chicken has no concept of criminal law, no common sense, no maturity of judgment and does not have a pager. Mr. Ginsburg has a pager. (William M. Powell, Arlington) And the winner of the Monica Lewinsky T-shirt: What is the difference between the human navel and a 1998 VW Bug? In the case of the navel, most people would rather have an innie. In the case of the Bug, most people would rather have an Audi. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: What is the difference between Satan and Sigmund Freud's mother? Sigmund Freud's mother is responsible for more anguish and suffering. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What is the difference between the Washington Mystics and William Ginsburg, Esq.? At least the Mystics get to the court before they lose. (Peter J. Hughes, Alexandria) What's the difference between a 1958 VW Bug and a 1998 VW Bug? You can boink fatter chicks in the 1998 Bug. (Joey Buttafuoco, New York; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What is the difference between the human navel and the Washington Mystics? The navel has more depth. (Dirk L. French, Woodbridge) What is the difference between Cal's streak and Sigmund Freud's mother? During his streak, Cal has never complained about all his sacrifices. (David Genser, Arlington) What is the difference between the human navel and the 1998 VW bug? The human navel has slightly more storage space. (Mia Kim and Jeffrey Wolfson, North Bethesda) What is the difference between Satan and the human navel? One was conspicuously absent in the Garden of Eden. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) What is the difference between the human navel and Sigmund Freud's mother? It depends. Is the navel a paradigm for attachment? Or an archetype for separation angst? This bears more intense scrutiny. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) What is the difference between Satan and Stephen Glass's reputation? In the case of Stephen Glass, only his pants are on fire. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What is the difference between a 1958 VW Bug and Satan? If Satan delivered your pizza, it might actually be warm. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) What is the difference between 1-800-HER-LOVE and William Ginsburg, Esq.? With 1-800-HER-LOVE you think ring finger. With William Ginsburg, you think middle finger. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) What is the difference between the Washington Mystics and William Ginsburg, Esq.? The Mystics know their defense is terrible. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What is the difference between a chicken and William Ginsburg, Esq.? Ginsburg requires less jerk sauce. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) What is the difference between the human navel and William Ginsburg, Esq.? The navel is full of only lint. (Bob Mills, Studio City, Calif.) What is the difference between a 1958 VW Bug and that not-so-fresh feeling? A 1958 VW Bug produces more cramping. (Dave Garratt, Greenbelt) What is the difference between the yen and the Washington Mystics? The yen can rebound. (Max Handelsman, Washington) Next Week: Life In The Blurbs ====================================================================== WEEK 280, published July 26, 1998 Week 280: EXPRESSING IT NICELY Overeating. Lying on your resume. Cheating on your expense account. Undressing someone with your eyes. Marrying for money. Relieving a wedgie. This Week's Contest was suggested by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a Peter Meter donated to the Style Invitational by Greg Arnold of Herndon, who wins a bottle of Rose Flower water, which has an eerily strong scent of roses. Jean suggests that you come up with colorful expressions for one or more of the above six activities, to make them sound a little less tawdry. (Example: Relieving a wedgie -- "Pickin' cotton in the Deep South.") First-prize winner gets an object so revolting we cannot entirely describe it here. It is a small stuffed doll called a "Meanie" baby, one of a series of 12. This one's doing something very, very rude. It is worth $20. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 280, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 3. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Cry No One Hears was written by Brian Broadus of Charlottesville. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 277, in which you were asked to offer new, exciting blurbs that would help sell classic works of film or literature to modern audiences. Fourth Runner-Up -- A lovely young girl escapes from a cannibal and flees into a forest, where she sleeps with seven men: "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Third Runner-Up -- A giant object hurtles toward Earth, and nothing can stop it: "King Kong" (Hank Zangara, Washington; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Second Runner-Up -- Local townspeople are threatened when an unexplained bright golden haze in a meadow creates mutant corn: "Oklahoma!" (Frank T. Kearns, Reston) First Runner-Up -- Asteroids, betrayal, explosions, lesbians, murder -- it's all here! Webster's Unabridged Dictionary (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And the winner of the rug depicting the moon landing -- On a dark and stormy night, a misunderstood genius creates life, but it escapes and runs amok: The Book of Genesis (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: A young woman trying to excel in a traditionally male leadership position is persecuted, then fired. -- "Saint Joan" (David Genser, Arlington) William Shakespeare's 17th-century interpretation of Leonardo DiCaprio's work of the same name. -- "Romeo and Juliet" (Scott Wilson, Great Falls) A group of men struggle to help each other overcome an erectile problem. -- "The Bridge on the River Kwai" (Dave Garratt, Greenbelt) Size does matter! -- "Moby Dick," "Gulliver's Travels," "Cyrano De Bergerac," "Little Women," "Lysistrata" (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) With a lot of money on the line, a crook persuades a famous fighter to take a dive. -- "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) A time traveler rescues an impoverished family. -- "A Christmas Carol" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) A dozen men, trapped together, with murder on their minds. Who will survive? -- "Twelve Angry Men" (Russell Beland, Springfield) Black-robed serial killer plays with his victims first. -- "The Seventh Seal" (Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Arlington) Food! Booze! Sex! -- "The Rubaiyat" (Joseph Romm, Washington) A woman is swept off her feet by a tall, dark stranger. -- "King Kong" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Powerful political leader ignores his Psychic Friend's advice at his own peril. -- "Julius Caesar" (Sandra Hull, Arlington) An innocent young man spends his life on the run from a one-armed man. -- "Peter Pan" (Sandra Hull, Arlington, and Stu Solomon, Springfield) While their husbands are off fighting World War II, sexy, athletic young women perform for men who keep them in diamonds. -- "A League of Their Own" (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Crowds gather to watch rival gangs of bat-wielding women. -- "A League of Their Own" (Sandra Hull, Arlington) A city is consumed in a huge fire. A woman vomits. -- "Gone With the Wind" (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) An aristocratic beauty spends most of this story on her back on a multitude of mattresses before she is completely satisfied. -- "The Princess and the Pea" (Ralph Scott, Washington) A show about nothing. -- "Waiting for Godot" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) A mystery involving a lost high school senior. -- "Where's Waldo?" (Mary Jessel Clarke, Falls Church) A young immigrant's tale of success with the aid of his extended family. -- "The Godfather: Part II" (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Trojans. Women. Need we say more? -- "The Trojan Women" (Joseph Romm, Washington) O.J. Simpson gets thrown down stairs, folded in two, and tortured in several other ways. -- "Naked Gun" (David Genser, Arlington) Next Week: The Stale Invitational ====================================================================== WEEK 281, published August 2, 1998 Week 281: Calculate the Odds This Week's Contest: In each horizontal row, tell us which item does not belong with the other two, and why. First-prize winner gets a handsome rubber spaghetti-and-meatball popsicle ("Spaghetti en la Sticko"), generously donated to The Style Invitational by Washington Post film critic Rita Kempley, who got it as a freebie from producers of the cheeseball movie "Mafia!" Corporations think that by giving us trinkets, they can prevent us from savaging them in print. This is ludicrous, of course. We cannot be bought off with trinkets. (Except, perhaps, by Ronnie Mervis, whom we will call "The Beast of Johannesberg" until such time as he gives us reason to reconsider, if you get our drift.) First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 281, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 10. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Headline No One Notices was written by Jennifer Hart of Arlington, based upon a concept by James D. Lyman of Kensington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from week 278, in which you were asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing a letter, and supply a new definition. Fifth Runner-Up: Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. (Greg Oetjen, Lorton) Fourth Runner-Up: Fortissimoe: the musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Third Runner-Up: Tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. (David Genser, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous "Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass. (Robin D. Grove, Arlington) And the winner of the two-foot-high baby bottle: Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: Necronancy: communication with the late Ernie Bushmiller. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.(Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Coiterie: a very very close-knit group. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Whitetater: a political hot potato. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Elepants: too-tight jeans on broad-beamed people. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Lollapalooka: someone who has taken one too many turns in the mosh pit. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Auto-da-feh: the extermination of heretics via drowning in a vat of pus. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Stupfather: Woody Allen. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) DIOS: the one true operating system. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Thripp: a bug. (Bee Perrin, Washington) Hipatitis: terminal coolness. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Goodzilla: a giant lizard that puts out forest fires by stamping on them. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Guillozine: a magazine for executioners. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Adulatery: cheating on one's wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Emasculathe: a tool for castration. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Sata: a mythical being who brings toys to bad children. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate) (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Genitaliar: an image-enhancing object that can be carried in a man's front pocket. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Glibido: all talk and no action. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Antifun gal: a prude. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Eunouch: the pain of castration. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett park) Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham Palace. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Hozone: the area around 14th Street. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Acme: a generic skin disease. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. (Greg Oetjen, Lorton) Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. (Greg Oetjen, Lorton) Newtspaper: the Washington Times. (Fil Feit, Annandale) Nazigator: an overbearing member of your carpool. (Elizabeth Monte, Fairfax) Synapple: a perfect beverage to accompany brain food. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Socceur: the proper spelling of the sport for the next four years, alas. (Kevin Eade, Columbia) And Lust: an unseemly craving for this position in the column. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Next Week: Treacle-Down Theory ====================================================================== WEEK 282, published August 9, 1998 Week 282: Taking Snides Actual News Item: Fire Destroys Boyhood Home of Novelist Thomas Wolfe Snide Comment: I guess now he really can't go home again. This week's contest was proposed by Pat Myers of Fort Washington, who wins the 'Gee Whiz-r!,' a plastic whistle that produces a piercing noise that "shatters glass, makes poodles yap uncontrollably." Your challenge is to take any story anywhere in today's Post and append to it a single snide observation. You can be reacting to a headline or the text of the story. No need to clip the story -- just tell us which page it is on. First-prize winner gets a hatmaker's severed human head, a value of $30. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 282, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 16. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ad No One Notices was written by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 279, in which you were asked to write treacly inspirational poetry. Terrific winners. As usual with poetry, there was some fairly heavyhanded editing for rhyme, meter, content, logic, humor, etc. First Runner-Up: Yesterday upon the road I met a man with half a leg. He looked at me with half a smile, held out a hand to beg. "Good sir," said I, "half a leg is naught at which to sneer. Why, Holyfield became the champ with but a half an ear. "With merely half most any man can most anything attain, Look how high Dan Quayle did rise with only half a brain. There's no limit to the future of one who has but half. Having half a liver didn't mute Edith Piaf! "Half a loaf is all one needs to keep intact one's soul. See how low John Bobbitt's sunk since he was rendered whole. So that stump of yours, my privileged friend, is really quite a boon." At which he half removed his pants, and gave me half a moon.(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of the framed photograph of William Howard Taft on the back of a very beleaguered-looking horse : A saddened young trichina worm Sits in waste abuzz with with flies "How can I ever save the world Stuck here, in this?" he cries. But soon he got his break in life By way of too-rare pork When he entered someone's body On the meat upon her fork. Then the lass went shopping At her local grocery store She bought a nice fresh cantaloupe (She could afford no more.) Later, in her kitchen Her intestines made their purges. And as her gut was speared by pain, She let go her recent purchase. The bag landed on the counter Out the window flew the melon It fell twelve stories through the air And conked an escaped felon The woman's pain receded And soon she bought a Ford. 'Cause for the nasty felon There was a nice reward. Alas, the crook had no such luck In fact, his time was up; he Breathed his last, but his kidneys Saved a starving orphan's puppy. Because the puppy didn't die The orphan kept his hope. His faith in God was strengthened He grew up to be the pope! So remember life's great lesson: To yourself be true. Whether you're a pontiff Or a squirmy worm in poo. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: The young boy found a quarter Outside a grocery store But instead of buying candy He gave it to the poor. It was sent to help a family That was strapped 'cause times were hell The father dropped it in a telephone And got a job that paid him well. For years that noble daddy scrimped For his daughter's college day And in that school she met her husband Who, as a boy, gave that quarter away! In married bliss they thrived And soon started a clan Their little girl grew up to cure cancer Their little boy became U.S. ambassador to Iran. So folks, just don't be greedy Share that excess quarter I know because this tale is true. I'm that noble father's daughter! (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Do you know someone who is glum? Why not relieve his sadness With a balloon of helium? Do you know someone who is suffering from substance abuse? Why not take him to lunch And let him order anything he wants, even dessert of chocolate mousse? Do you know someone who is filled with tedium? Why not show up at his doorstep with a mop And wash his linoleum? (Susan Keevan, Bethesda) There's always one kid at the playground Whom nobody wants on his team. So this kid slumps, beat, on a lonely seat And nurses a shattered dream. There is always one pup in the pet store That nobody wants to take home. So it curls up tight in its cage at night And moans to itself, alone. There is always one poor homeless wanderer Who has neither family nor caring. Each day is the same; no one speaks his name, So he roams like a loose ball bearing. There's a place where every soul's wanted. In a rainbow of kindness and care. May his spirit soar when he sees, on the floor, A celestial Welcome mat there! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A lonely but misguided youth Lacking the will to live, Decides at last to end it all, With pills and booze and laxative. The deed is interrupted Fam'ly members intercede. They place him in professional care To convalesce at his own speed. The endless days drag on and on What must he do before he's freed? One day he finds a Reader's Digest And in boredom starts to read. First, "Laughter, the Best Medicine" Then "Life in These United States." He grins and turns the pages, And learns new words like "denigrates." Then, the month's selections: Tales inspiring and true. Folks who beat their problems. And emerged, remade, anew. The message never wavers: "You can do it if you try!" He then reads of a lonely youth. . . And soon he starts to cry. This ride called Life can have a way Of playing a wry jest. That lonely little boy is me, Publisher of Reader's Digest. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Next Week: Expressing It Nicely ====================================================================== WEEK 283, published August 16, 1998 Week 283: Uh-Oh During a speech by Marion Barry: "... but I have had to ask myself who among these candidates can protect the rights of the young and the old, and I ..." From your girlfriend: "... and some relationships turn out to be even more rewarding when they are not burdened by sexual demands ..." From your insurance agent: "... interestingly, an Act of God turns out to have a more narrow definition than one might think ..." This Week's Contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a night light for his toilet bowl. Elden suggests that you come up with Uh-oh lines. Uh-oh lines are statements that occur in the middle of a seemingly benign speech or conversation, suddenly alerting the listener that he is about to hear some bad news. First-prize winner gets a handmade yellow-and-brown crocheted lion head that would make an excellent pincushion if it were not the size of a sumo wrestler's buttock, and approximately as attractive. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 283, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 24. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Abbrv No One Ntcs was written by Sandra Hull of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 280, in which we asked you to come up with colorful euphemisms for one of six base acts. Seventh Runner-Up -- Marrying for money: Buying a sleeper car on the gravy train.(David Genser, Arlington) Sixth Runner-Up -- Lying on your resume: Inventing sliced bread. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Fifth Runner-Up -- Overeating: Fulfilling one's density. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Fourth Runner-Up -- Overeating: Performing a reverse Heimlich. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Third Runner-Up -- Undressing someone with your eyes: Taking one's pupils on a field trip to Cannes. (T. J. Murphy, Arlington) u Second Runner-Up -- Relieving a wedgie: Helping a jockey come from behind. (Ralph Scott, Washington) First Runner-Up -- Relieving a wedgie: Visiting Hanes point. (Marc and Alison Levy, Rockville) And the winner of an object so revolting we cannot describe it here: Undressing someone with your eyes: Checking out Lois Lane. (Joe Kobylski, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: Overeating Installing software. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Maxing out your elastic. (Kate Schwarz, Fairfax) Keeping the ice cream population under control. (Chris Kaufman, Lanham) Reasserting one's dominance in the food chain. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Growing as an individual. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Undressing Someone With Your Eyes Seeking inner beauty. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg; Gary Welsh, Cabin John) Guessing Victoria's secret. (Courtney Knauth, Washington) Giving a great big Arkansas hello. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Steaming away the wallpaper. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Checking your monitor while rebooting your hard drive. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) Cheating on your expense account: Buying lunch for Linda Tripp's friends. (David Genser, Arlington) Reducing your employer's taxable income. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) Upgrading one's benefits package. (Dave Olds, Hagerstown) Taking taxis to the men's room. (David Genser, Arlington) Relieving a Wedgie Attending to the bottom line. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Saying no to crack. (Tara Kennedy, Brentwood; Roz Levine, McLean) Making a loin item veto. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Clearing acreage in the Netherlands. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Attending to a debriefing. (Sandra Hull, Arlington; Rebecca Churilla, Rockville) Quelling the Boxer Rebellion. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Marrying for Money Estate planning. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Not letting your emotions get the best of you. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Entering pre-widowhood. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Lying on Your Resume Investing in the bull market. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Leveling the playing field with all those cheating bastards. (Katherine Mangu-Ward, Alexandria) Going to Har-de-Harvard. (David Genser, Arlington) Ensuring a prosperous future by creating a better yesterday. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Collaborating with Dr. Shuck and Professor Jive. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And Last: Describing this as "Published in the Washington Post." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Next Week: Calculate The Odds ====================================================================== WEEK 284, published August 23, 1998 Week 284: Ask Backwards MCLXVII The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy's Underpants Sucking Out One's Eyeball With an Electrolux Yet Another Relationship That Is "Not Appropriate" Speedy Alka-Seltzer, Wile E. Coyote and Ellen Sauerbrey Abraham, Martin and Sid The Ford Phlegm Baked Arkansas One of Them $3 Street Ties A Swiss Army Deodorant Ecclesiastes, Deuteronomy and Chlamydia Salvatore "The Glazed Ham" Fondolini It's About the Size of a Watermelon This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more. First-prize winner gets a gigantic ceramic peanut with a stupid grin, a genuine antique from the 1980 Carter campaign. It is worth $30. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 284, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug 31. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 281, in which we presented four groupings of three items each, and asked you to tell us which item in each group did not belong with the other two. Second Runner-Up: "The Fish" and "The Hammer" are desirable and intimidating Mafia nicknames. No self-respecting hit man would want to be called "The Glazed Ham."(Jon Batten, Washington) First Runner-Up: In the study of lower life forms, the mouse is not as useful as the other two. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) And the winner of the Spaghetti en la Sticko: You can breathe in when you use the Rubik's cube. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Honorable Mentions: The hanger doesn't belong. The butter and cactus were props in the Brando sequel, "Last Tango in Tucson." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Butter is the only item that would be useful at a nudist colony. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington; David Genser, Arlington) Only Item One represents the first time an American newspaper has served up drawn butter to its entire readership simultaneously. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) It's a trick. They all belong. The fish's name is WorthingHAM. (Larrilee Black, Alexandria) Only the ham is unnecessary for the production of fish meal. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) The ham is the only item without scales or claws. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Only Item One serves as an allegory of modern American journalism in which "Barnacle Mike," who once "swam the Globe," now finds himself trapped in a "Glass" house. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Even President Clinton will refuse to snack on a "chicken-fried hammer." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Only the ham has no role in the manufacture of Spam. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) James Joyce does not belong. The correct sequence is Ham-Hammer-Hammerstein. (John Kammer, Herndon) The Rubik's Cube is useless for imitating the act of flatulence. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) The cube does not belong. The plunger and trumpet both bear these labels: WARNING: Not to Be Used as Breast Pump." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A Rubik's Cube is no good for clearing a clogged toilet. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Larrilee Black, Alexandria) The Rubik's Cube was not used in bed by Roxanne Pulitzer. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) It is easy to use the cube or the trumpet while seated on a toilet. (Peyton Coyner, Afton; John Kammer, Herndon) Plumber's Helpers and trumpets may be stored in the overhead bin, but the giant carton has obviously been "checked." (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Only the Rubik's Cube cannot possibly provide entertainment. (Gary Clare, Bealeton) The stupid rodent does not belong because the other two things begin with "M." (Mike Genz, La Plata) "Mein Kampf" and Mickey Mouse both originated in cells. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Mickey Mouse is the odd item because he is not a tool used by those who would examine your genetics. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville) Next Week: Taking Snides ====================================================================== WEEK 285, published August 30, 1998 Week 285: Elevenis, Anytwo? The Nine Commandments -- Newly issued after the O.J. trial. Forty-Four-Forty or Fight -- Revised territorial claim on Canada, when it became obvious that the original demand required annexation of Edmonton. Hawaii Four-0 -- Honolulu surf bum turns his life around, makes the dean's list. 6-6-5 -- The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Stan. The Four Stooges This Week's Contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who basically stole it from Victor Borge and therefore wins nothing. Stephen suggests that you take a common phrase containing a specific number, add or subtract one, and explain the revised phrase. First-prize winner gets the incredible prize Dudzik himself has donated to The Style Invitational: a photograph of Tonya Harding personally autographed by Tonya "to The Czar and His Subjects." This object is priceless. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 285, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 7. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Pitch No One Catches was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 282, in which you were invited to take any story from that day's Post and append to it a snide comment. More than twenty people responded to this headline: Husband of Accused Child Killer Misses Her with some variation of this: Perhaps he should buy a better scope. Fifth Runner-Up: Stocks' Downturn Can Have Upside You mean the way my IRA just took a shot upside the head?(Amy Fine, Bethesda; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Fourth Runner-Up: Child Exploiter Admits Murder Uh, Mr. President, I suggest that you not get into that Vince Foster thing in your testimony ... (Robin D. Grove, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Deaths Elsewhere: Yuen Charonensuk, Crocodile Hunter If ever a ceremony screamed "closed casket ..." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Second Runner-Up: HIV Spread Threatens Cambodia Officials recommend return to margarine. (John Kammer, Herndon) First Runner-Up: Script for Presidential Confession Fraught With Risks Mea Gulpa (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the severed human head: Late on a June night at Giovanni restaurant on West 55th Street, the sour-faced manager of a large investment fund was grilling Michael Saylor, an eager young chief executive, over a plate of sea bass. Saylor might need to cook a bit longer than the fish. (Ralph Scott, Washington) Honorable Mentions: In Montgomery, Paramedic Stabbed By His Patient Stabbed in the Montgomery? Man, that's gotta hurt. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Silver Spring Couple To Serve 21 Months How'd they get such a sweet deal when the rest of us have to marry for life? (John Kammer, Herndon) Prince George's Prosecutor Put On Defensive I guess the Redskins are really getting desperate. (Dwight Davis, Arlington) Riverdale Voters Approve Name Change They were tired of being called "Jugheads." (John Ruthinoski, Alexandria) Grandparents Fighting for Time With Children And you thought ESPN couldn't sink any lower. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Following the Trail Of Powder I told Tammy Faye there was no way a smash-and-grab could work. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Service Delays Expected as Bell Workers Strike So how will we know when the strike is over? (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Families Meet, Cry, Connect: Girl's Relatives Come Together You gotta love them West Virginians. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Commander of Crew in Italy Reassigned Whew, talk about a steep cable bill. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Mount Cezanne Cezanne Sommers? Sure! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Rain-Soaked Wisconsin Assesses Damage There goes the Sheboygan tourist trade. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Prince William Finds Little Relief With all those rooms in the castle, sometimes it's hard to find the loo. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) My Ankle Bone's Connected to the Coolest Shoe in School Too bad your brain bone's connected to the seat of your pants. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) For 15 months, the INS has refused to process Tal Klement's citizenship application because he is disabled and does not have all ten fingers to fingerprint. Maybe Tal could give the middle finger five extra times. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Palestinian lawmakers nearly came to blows during a debate. They disagreed about why Israel won't believe they're peace-loving. (Daryl P. Friedman, Reston) Anne Heche proves she can steam up the screen with a guy. Love scenes were no problem, partially because there was real chemistry between her and her leading man. Hell, there is real chemistry in a manure bomb. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Victoria's Secret sells 30 times more size 32 bras in New York than it averages in other cities. Proving once again that New Yorkers lack the milk of human kindness. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Warren Christopher's new book on American foreign policy is unlikely to leap onto the bestseller shelves. And liver-flavored soft drinks are unlikely to unseat Coke and Pepsi. (Russ Beland, Springfield) And Last: But, with what one outside presidential adviser called a "mound" of evidence ... Um, I think I will just demand a bumper sticker for not making a snide comment here. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville) Next Week: Uh-Oh ====================================================================== WEEK 286, published September 6, 1998 Week 286: CLINTOONS This Week's Contest: Make your own Clintoon, a comic strip consisting of any or all of the above drawings. You may use as many as you wish, and arrange them in any order you wish. You may use a drawing more than once. You may place the dialogue balloons or thought balloons anywhere you wish, and of course, these balloons can be reused multiple times. No cutting and pasting is necessary: Referring to the cartoons by number, tell us which goes where, and supply dialogue where desired. For those of you who insist on verisimilitude, and have greater technical wizardry than The Czar, you may download the images from http://www.bobstaake.com/clintoon.html. First-prize winner gets Big John, "the electronic flush and burp game," suitable for ages 5 and up, donated to The Style Invitational by Caitlin Carlson and Leslie Jones of Rockville. Caitlin and Leslie, who are friends, apparently outgrew Big John when they were 2 years old. They win matching photographs of an elephant pooping. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 286, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 9. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Notice No One Needs was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 283, in which you were asked to come up with Uh-oh lines, phrases that are likely to be followed by bad news. Second Runner-Up -- From your doctor: "On the blood pressure, your diastolic looks fine ..."(Peter J. Hughes, Alexandria) First Runner-Up -- From the president of the United States: "While my answers were legally accurate . . ." (Michael Platt, Germantown; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the crocheted lion head: From your new next door neighbor: "And I never could have afforded to buy my new house on my own. My old neighbors chipped in to buy it for me." (Philip Vitale, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: From your auto mechanic: "Come on out back. I want to show you something." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) From anyone: "With all due respect . . ." (Steven King, Vienna) From your spouse: "I, um, didn't expect you home so early." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) From your boss: Any mention of the words "responsibility to the shareholders," or any reference to "a leaner, more efficient structure," or, particularly, any sentence containing the words "for the greater good." (Max Handelsman, Columbia) From your new cubicle neighbor: "And since animal parts are used in the manufacture of soap ..." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) From your obstetrician: "Congratulations! You have a healthy baby, uh, child." (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) From the sommelier during your first date: "But if monsieur wishes a truly special bottle of wine, I might recommend . . ." (Noah Meyerson, Washington) From the estate lawyer: "Your father's will turned out to have some, shall we say, 'unique' provisions. . ." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) From your spouse: "Don't you think we have a pretty good idea of what in the house belongs to you and what belongs to me?" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) From a chat room acquaintance: "By the way, finding out where you live was a lot easier than I thought." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) From your new next-door neighbor: "I was just wondering: About how long does it take the cops to get here from the first sound of gunshots?" (Philip Vitale, Arlington) From the IRS: "And that is when we noticed something interesting . . ." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) From your daughter: "I just know you will like him. He is a totally independent thinker." (Jan Sorensen, Herndon) From your kid in college: "I really think the definition of cult is so arbitrary these days. . ." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) From your lawyer: "This might be the time to familiarize yourself with a list of countries that have no extradition treaty with the United States." (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) From your barber: "This haircut is gonna be on the house." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) From your doctor: "There is a clinic in the Caribbean that offers a promising new treatment program . . ." (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) From an instruction manual: "After take out the battery insulator, if some segment missing, press HOUR or MINUTE set button will back to normal." (This is verbatim from an actual instruction manual.) (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) From a rattlesnake: "Rattle." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Next Week: Ask Backwards MCLXVII ====================================================================== WEEK 287, published September 13, 1998 Week 287: BEFORE AND AFTERMATH Jesse Jackson Pollock -- A politician with some blots on his record. Al Gore-Tex -- A curiously stiff textile. Mark McGwire-rims -- Very, very powerful eyeglasses. Kenneth Starrship Enterprise -- A vehicle for moral retribution. This Week's Contest was vaguely inspired by that inane game show "Wheel of Fortune," in which contestants are occasionally asked to complete a "Before and After" puzzle. This consists of a three-element phrase, the second element of which bridges the first and the third, as in "George Bush Leagues" or "State of the Union Jack." In this case, you must begin with a real name, append to it a word, name or expression that completes the bridge, and finally define the resulting phrase. First-prize winner receives a bottle of Vietnamese Snake Wine, a fine medicinal product (for "rheumatism, lumbago, and sweat of limbs") donated to the Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. It contains a real, coiled snake that appears to be about four feet long. Stephen purchased this for 95,000 dong, which is roughly 7 bucks. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 287, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 21. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Contract Fine Print No One Reads was written by Niels Hoven of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 284, in which we invited you to come up with questions for any of 12 "Jeopardy!" answers we supplied. A good entry too popular to reward with a prize -- Answer: The Ford Phlegm. Question: Under what other name does Ford market the Mercury Mucus? Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: Abraham, Martin and Sid. Question: Who were a president, a king and a Caesar? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Salvatore "The Glazed Ham" Fondolini: Question: What did Salvatore "Prosciutto" Fondolini change his name to when he left the old country and came to America? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Salvatore "The Glazed Ham" Fondolini. Question: Who rubs out his enemies by elevating their low-density lipoproteins? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: It's About the Size of a Watermelon. Question: According to DoD-STD-9283, Sub-paragraph 4b, how big is a watermelon? (Barney Kaufman, Manassas) First Runner-Up -- Answer: The Ford Phlegm. Question: What vehicle will Ford dealers be hawking this fall? (Roger M. Firestone, Oakton) And the winner of the gigantic ceramic peanut: Answer: The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy's Underpants. Question: What is holier-than-thou? (Jami Cashell, Charles Town, W.Va.) Honorable Mentions: Answer: Speedy Alka-Seltzer, Wile E. Coyote and Ellen Sauerbrey Who ya gonna call when you need quick relief, comic relief and tax relief? (Ralph Scott, Washington) Who are three public figures whose past campaigns have fizzled? (Ralph Scott, Washington; Niels Hoven, Silver Spring; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) If you had a speedy Alka-Seltzer, a Wile E. Coyote, an Ellen Sauerbrey and a Mickey Mantle rookie trading card, which would your mother not throw out? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Answer: The Ford Phlegm What replaced the Ford Bronchio? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What is a good vehicle for transmitting tuberculosis? (Geoffrey H. Thomas, Gloucester) What is adding to the problem of traffic congestion? (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington; Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) What car model is only slightly less disgusting than the BMW BM? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Answer: One of them $3 Street Ties What could you buy at Camden Yards for $5? (Daniel Kravetz, Washington) With what item does Hillary practice tying nooses? (John Kammer, Herndon) What is the perfect accessory for one of them $10 Rolex watches? (Paul Styrene, Olney; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What is less embarrassing to buy than one of them $3 street bras? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Answer: The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy's Underpants What is always in a bunch? (Frank J. Spina, Montgomery Village; Barney Kaufman, Manassas) Where did Ken Starr's most embarrassing leaks occur? (Peyton Coyner, Afton) How did Hillary explain the men's briefs found in the glove compartment of her car? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) What garment covers one's behind, yet is unbelievably transparent? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Answer: It's About the Size of a Watermelon. What is really, really bad news from either your oncologist or your obstetrician? (David Genser, Arlington) Answer: A Swiss Army Deodorant What product is available only in a "neutral" scent? (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville; Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What product do those multi-armed Indian goddesses use? (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Answer: Baked Arkansas What dessert is made with ice cream, meringue and a chicken-fried pork chop? (Jason Zweiback, Livermore, Calif.) What is inbread? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Answer: Salvatore "The Glazed Ham" Fondolini What new nickname did Salvatore "The Pig" Fondolini adopt when he became a capo? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) To further throw off his pursuers, what name did Shlomo "The Schmaltz Herring" Klepperman choose in the witness protection program? (David Genser, Arlington) Whose favorite singer -- and I'm goin' out on a limb here -- was Frank Sinatra? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Who, when he is ready to make a hit, "takes off the cloves?" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Who said, "But soft, what light through yonder window you want I should break?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Who rubbed out Tony "The Artery" Petrocelli? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Who is reputed to be the new "capo di tutti capicola"? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Who is always the first Mafioso suspected of squealing? (David Genser, Arlington) Answer: Ecclesiastes, Deuteronomy and Chlamydia What are always, sooner or later, followed by Revelations and Lamentations? (Amy C. Egloff Baker, South Bend, Ind.) What are the three things most commonly taken from hotel rooms? (Ruth Roberts Hendrix, Bowie) What are three books of the Old Testicle? (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) What three things promise an infernal burning? (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) What is a stupid way to remember you have to pick up eggs, dog food and Cheez-Its? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Answer: Sucking Out One's Eyeball With an Electrolux How did Wes Craven modernize "King Lear"? (Sharon Neubauer, Great Falls) How does Sammy Freem, champion Electrolux salesman, utilize his glass eye as a sales tool? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Well, what exactly IS covered by the GOP health care bill? (Ralph Scott, Washington) Answer: Abraham, Martin and Sid Who were tall, short and vicious? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Name two men concerned with freed slaves, and one concerned with frayed sleeves. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Answer: Yet Another Relationship that is "not appropriate." What is a misplaced mortifier? (Geoffrey H. Thomas, Gloucester) Next Week: Elevenis Anytwo? ====================================================================== WEEK 288, published September 20, 1998 Week 288: Picture This This Week's Contest: What is happening in these pictures? Choose one or more. First prize winner gets a Collector's Edition Diana Princess of Wales doll, still in the box, a truly cheesy likeness that sort of resembles Diana only in the sense that a bottle of Yoo-Hoo sort of resembles Erskine Bowles. This is worth $40. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 288, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 28. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear No One Reads was written by Richard Leiby of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 285, in which we asked you to take any expression featuring a number, add or subtract one, and supply a new definition. But first, a brief apology to Caitlin Carlson and Leslie Jones of Rockville, who were recently awarded matching photographs of elephants pooping. These photographs have been misplaced by a someone who tragically mistook them for worthless, revolting vulgarities. Besides, the Czar has been informed that the awarded prizes were unsuitable because Caitlin and Leslie are minors. Therefore, he has come up with fine replacements: Caitlin wins four miniature athletic supporters suitable for a Chihuahua, and Leslie wins a T-shirt commemorating the surgery performed on John Wayne Bobbitt. Fourth Runner-Up: The Year 2001 Problem -- How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring) Third Runner-Up: Catch-23 -- Complete previous catch before proceeding to this step.(John Kammer, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: 006 -- A secret agent with a license to hurt his enemies' feelings. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: Catch-21 -- When you can't tell the truth about your affair with a 21-year-old intern, but can't lie about it either. (Pat Davis, Beltsville) And the winner of the photograph of Tonya Harding personally autographed by Tonya 'to The Czar and His Subjects': The Eight Deadly Sins -- Pride, lust, envy, anger, gluttony, covetousness, sloth and not being sorry. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: 7.02 x 1023 -- Avogradro's fax number. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Fortune 501 -- Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The 13th of Never -- When Johnny Mathis gets married. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Fifty-One Ways to Leave Your Lover -- Ruthann Aron writes the song sequel. (Julia Gordon, Washington) Fifty-One Ways to Leave Your Lover -- "Don't leave a spill, Bill." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) R2D3 -- The illegitimate offspring of R2D2 and C3PO. (Julia Gordon, Washington) The IX Files -- Gripping tales from Title IX lawsuits against college athletic programs. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Indy 501 -- A race to unbutton your jeans in time. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Negative One Mostel -- Mrs. Mostel had the better lawyer. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) E Pluribus Duo -- If the South had won the war. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Motel 5 -- If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) 11:59 High -- When obsessive-compulsives meet for a duel. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Dressed to the Eights -- Impeccably attired, except your fly is open. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Snow White and the Six Dwarfs -- "That's right, Timmy, he's not really Sleepy. He's dead! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Six Brides for Seven Brothers -- Someone's gonna get hurt. (Douglas Riley, Reston) Catch-21 -- You are finally old enough to buy liquor, but depressed because you don't get carded anymore. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs -- The title, before they expelled Gassy. (Steve Hahn, College Park) One Tolerance -- In life, as in golf, one deserves a mulligan. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Looking out for Number Two -- Crossing a cow pasture. (Joe Kobylski, Gaithersburg; Dave Yost, Winchester; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The 1,000,001 Man March -- Farrakhan forgot to count himself. (Stephen Mather, College Park) Cycle 5 Dog Food -- That special black can for dogs who have outlived their usefulness. (Dave Yost, Winchester) The B0 Bomber -- Violates international agreements on the use of chemical weapons. (Ken Fishbein, Cockeysville) Those six tobacco company executives -- One died of "natural causes." (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) Eighth-Inning Stretch -- Marks that appear on the abdomen one month before delivery. They never go away. Ever. No matter how many damn sit-ups you do. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Five Eyes -- Other kids can be cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle. (Ralph Scott, Washington) Eleven-four -- Goodbye and good riddance. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) 97 Tears -- Song by Apostrophe and the Mysterians. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Fortune 501 -- Really, really expensive jeans. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Next Week: Clintoons ====================================================================== WEEK 289, published September 27, 1998 Week 289: Play It Again, Sham Studio 44 -- A famous 1970s discotheque where everyone got high on cough syrup. (David Genser, Arlington) The dance of the 8 veils -- The gals in the harem need to cut down on the baklava. (David Genser, Arlington) Playing the Baker's Dozens -- Jewish version of "playing the dozens." Instead of insulting your opponent's mom, you wish her bad luck. "May yo mama's chicken soup curdle up like a shikse at a bris." (David Genser, Arlington) The Czar came up with the idea of this week's contest on Monday after discovering a stack of unread entries to the contest whose results were published last Sunday. In that contest, you had to alter by one the number contained in some expression, and revise its meaning; the best of these unread entries are printed above. Now, the Czar believes that if life gives you lemons, you should squirt them into the eyes of someone you really don't like very much, like Satan or that kid who plays Urkel. So he decided to run the Style Invitational's second Second Time Around contest, in which you are invited to submit entries to any previous contest, ideas you may have thought of after the contest deadline had passed. Don't submit things you previously submitted; we will cross-reference all new entries with our international database of rejected entries, and disqualify any persons plagiarizing themselves. First-prize winner receives a 40-year-old gilded commemorative plate featuring likenesses of America's First Family. For some reason, Ike appears to be wearing more lipstick than Mamie. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 289, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 5. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by Maureen Flaherty and Russell Beland of Springfield. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 286, in which you were invited to come up with Clintoons, cartoons crafted from any of 14 caricatures we supplied. Second Runner-Up: Gosh, Monica, I didn't realize it was an exploding cigar.(Kathy Braman, Bowie) First Runner-Up: I hope to make America forget about The Babe. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of of Big John, "the electronic flush and burp game," suitable for ages 5 and up: Mr. Clinton, did you ever have any physical contact of a sexual nature with Monica Lewinsky? What do you mean by contact? Physical contact of a sexual nature is defined as touching or being touched in the armpit, the elbow, or . . . LATER . . . . . . . dorsal surface of the calf, the heel, insole, or the toes of either foot with the intent to sexually arouse . . . What exactly do you mean by touching? Touching is defined as the impingement of the skin upon . . . LATER . . . . . . . or the eyeball or viscera. Your answer, sir? Mr. President? I'm sorry, I've forgotten the question. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Honorable Mentions: Dammit, Bill. The people are demanding that you admit guilt. But I've already admitted guilt. It's not enough. They want you to say you're sorry. But I'm not sorry. They don't care if you mean it. They just want you to say it. You mean they want me to lie? But I've already lied! (John Kammer, Herndon) Don't worry, Mr. President, as your lawyers we think things are progressing well. It ain't over till the fat lady sings. That's great guys, except for one thing . . . I'm ready for my solo, Mr. Starr. (David Ferry, Leesburg) Accountants from Price Waterhouse try to determine who has scored more during the past year. (Rebecca Frank, Fairfax) The house voted to impeach, I resigned, and Hillary left me.' Her divorce lawyer is on the way over now. I wonder who it is? (Philip Vitale, Arlington) I'm aiming for 68. Aim just a little higher, my boy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) My zone is between my chest and my knees. What a coincidence . . . (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Yessss! I'm not the worst leader in the world! (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And let's not forget, hon, they admit there's a one in 7.87 trillion chance the stain wasn't mine . . . . (Ralph Scott, Washington) Next Week: Before and Aftermath ====================================================================== WEEK 290, published October 4, 1998 Week 290: The World Theories The Fast Food Line Theory: The longer the line, the longer it will take the guy in front of you to decide on a Value Meal. The Big Butt Theory: The bigger the butt, the longer the acrylic fingernails. The Yellow Light Theory: The closer you get to a yellow light, the slower the guy in front of you will go. This Week's contest was proposed by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a T-shirt from the American Museum of Menstruation. Jean suggests that you codify some of life's more populist theories, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a huge, framed reproduction of an Elvis stamp, a value of $25. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 290, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 12. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Vacation No One Needs was written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. The Tyson's Chicken entry below was sent in by Dave Zarrow of Herndon. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 287, in which you were asked to replicate the "Before and After" game from Wheel of Fortune, beginning with a name and adding to it a word or expression that creates a bridge of words. Sixth Runner-Up: Lloyd Bridges of Madison County -- A rootless photojournalist and a bored housewife have an underwater knife fight. (Ralph Scott, Washington) Fifth Runner-Up: Rembrandt Van Rijn Tin Tin -- The night watchdog.(Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Fourth Runner-Up: Heimlichtenstein -- A small country firmly lodged between Austria and Switzerland. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Darryl F. Zanuck nyuk nyuk -- A slapstick filmmaker. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Roseanne Boleyn -- Queen who kept talking after being beheaded. (David Genser, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Anais Nintendo Gameboy -- The pocket toy you really don't want to give your kids. (Greg and Kristine Griswold, Falls Church) And the winner of the snake wine: Thomas Jefferson Clinton -- President who penned the famous introductory lines: "We hold these half-truths to be legally accurate ... " (Douglas Riley, Reston) Honorable Mentions: T.S. Eliot Ness -- Poet who wrote "The Love Song of J. Edgar Hoover." (Ralph Scott, Washington) Cole Porter Potty -- Wrote many moving lyrics, including "Can-Can." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Jack Ruby Tuesday's -- Where one goes to eat hot lead. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Alan Greenspandex -- An ugly way to contain inflation. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Marco Polo for Ralph Lauren -- Acquires goods cheaply in Asia, then sells them for an astronomical profit. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Boy George Gershwin -- Composer of Rhapsody in Lavender. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Tom Daschle Hammett -- Author of the Maltese Donkey. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Picabo Streetwalker -- A working girl delivering satisfaction in 1.32.656 minutes. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Attila the Hunchback of Notre Dame -- Nobody made fun of him. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Bobby Fischer-Price -- Chess player who toys with his opponents. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Marilyn Monroe Doctrine -- Post-Clinton regulations requiring all future presidential bimbos to be at least 30 years old. (Philip Vitale, Arlington; Susanne Lazanov, Reston) Madonna Reed -- A 1950s TV housewife who could do all the housework and still have dinner and an orgy ready when her hubby came home. (David Genser, Arlington) Shoeless Joe Mama -- The man who threw the World Series because the pitcher was so fat, when someone told him to haul butt, he had to make two trips. (Jessica Henig, Washington) Glenn Miller Lite -- Big Band Muzak. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Alfred Hitchcock and bull -- Film school midterm essays. (Jim Doyle, Trenton, N.J.) Aretha Franklin Roosevelt -- President who said all we have to fear is disrespect. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Mister Rogers and Hammerstein -- Short-lived duo who parted ways because Hammerstein's lyrics were "too racy." (Joe Ponessa, Philadelphia) Boy George Will -- Singer of the hit song "Dogma Chameleon." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ayn Rand McNally -- A woman who thinks she's at the center of the universe and has a map to prove it. (Greg and Kristine Griswold, Falls Church) Ellery Queen Latifah -- Detective. Raps up cases quickly. (Ben Llewellyn, Falls Church) Al Gore Vidal -- An author with writer's block. (Dorothy Franklin, Columbia) Janet Reno, Nev. -- A city not known for its gorgeous showgirls. (Susanne Lazanov, Reston) Mike Tyson's Chicken -- And I'm not afraid to say it to his face! (John Q. Public, Anytown, U.S.A.) Rin Tin Tintin -- A Belgian shepherd. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Cal Ripken Junior Mint -- A refreshing little candy that lasts forever. (Roz Levine, McLean) Prime Minister Keizo Obuchi Kootchie Koo -- A politician who diverts attention from economic crisis by kissing babies. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) CIACLU -- An organization that protects your civil liberties, but then has to kill you. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Oscar Mayer Lansky -- Prime suspect in the disappearance of Salvatore "The Glazed Ham" Fondolini. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Betty Friedan Quayle -- Author of "The Femanin Misteek." (David Genser, Arlington) Pollyanna Karenina -- Someone so annoyingly cheerful it makes you want to throw yourself under a train. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Grace Slick Willie -- Lead singer for the William Jefferson Airplane. (Daniel E. Klein, McLean; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Rene Descartes Before the Horse -- I am, therefore I think. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) And Lasts: George Washington Post -- Chopped down cherry tree, processed it into pulp, rolled it into newsprint, telling everyone about it. (Mary Lou French, Lorton) Washington Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc -- "We said it was going to happen, therefore it happened." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Chuck Smith & Wesson -- One of those stupid guns that fire a "Bang!" flag. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Chuck Smithsonian Institution -- Features plastic vomit, taxidermized weasels, decorative colostomy bags and bottled snakes. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; Stephanie Campbell, Alexandria) Next Week: Picture This ====================================================================== WEEK 291, published October 11, 1998 Week 291: Hyphen the Terrible Philan-terns -- n., White House interns who selflessly and generously dispense their favors to those in need. D'oeu-ings -- n., What French poodles leave on the ground. Open-aged -- adj., describing a woman who is, well, sort of, like fortyish. Pat-thropy -- n., Psychiatric counseling for persons of ambiguous gender. This Week's Contest: Take any story in today's paper, find a word that breaks with a hyphen at the end of a line, and combine it with the second half of a different hyphenated word in the same story. Then supply a definition for the new hybrid word. The examples above are taken from today's Miss Manners column (make sure you tell us from which story your word is chosen.) First-prize winner gets a rare vintage document, the transcript of the early days of the Senate Watergate hearings, in 10 bound volumes from May 1973, featuring the testimony of such persons as Anthony Ulasewicz, the famous bagman who talked like dis. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 291, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 18. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by Kevin Mellema of Falls Church. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 288, in which we asked you to supply captions to any of eight cartoons. -- Second Runner-Up: These days, if you are a Redskins placekicker, every passerby has a taunt. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) -- First Runner-Up: Kenneth was such a loser he even failed at dropping out of high school. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) -- And the winner of the Collector's Edition Diana Princess of Wales doll: T.S. Eliot is astonished when the world ends with neither a bang nor a whimper.(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) -- Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: The French always make such a huge production out of saying "I do not know." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A Republican performing the Macarena. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville) Mid-toss, Trevor realizes that juggling grand pianos is not a good idea. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Atlas never got tired of playing the "Invisible Earth" gag on his less intelligent brother, Warren. (Jessica Henig, Washington) At 65, Dolly Parton has to hire a valet. (John Di Fazio, Alexandria) The school's football team was so strapped for cash, parents had to take turns acting as goal posts. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Prior to the "Construction Worker," the Village People briefly toyed with "The Businessman," but he looked ridiculous performing "YMCA." (Paul Styrene, Olney) Cartoon B: President Clinton's golden parachute: One Handi-Wipe. (F. Walker, Arlington) Ticker-tape parades got really boring after they became OSHA-compliant. (David Genser, Arlington) The card said, "Help! I'm being held prisoner in a parachute factory." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Tired of being a nerd, Arnold sets his pocket protector free. (David Genser, Arlington) Cartoon C: The definition of "is." (Mary Pat Landry, Rockville) Even Stephen Hawking's search for the unified theory of the universe is derailed by Monica coverage. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Cartoon D: Monica runs into Bill 10 years from now. (Mary Pat Landry, Rockville) Manure Babies never caught on and most were simply abandoned. (Stephen F. Dudzik, Silver Spring) Edna cannot remember the name, but the feces is familiar. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Starr report hits the street. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Bill and Hillary leaving the White House after the president resigns. (Michael Dailey, Chantilly) Sammy the grass stain was puzzled by the bigotry and hatred directed at all stains following the Monica Lewinsky scandal. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville) Blinky turned into an alcoholic when Pac-Man downsized. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Even the usually skeptical Amy had to admit that this panhandler seemed genuinely needy. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) At last, Sally finds Mr. Goodbar. Unfortunately, he was on the sidewalk, in August. (Stevenson James, Vienna) Bill had thought that censure was going to be the easy way out. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Larry always melted under the gaze of a pretty girl. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Cartoon E: Humiliated, Socks tries desperately to hide behind the White House fence. (Mary Pat Landry, Rockville) Egyptologists think that the "underground pyramid" was built because someone was holding the blueprints upside down. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Great Pyramid of Cheops, the Great Pyramid of Chephren, and the Sucky Pyramid of Kevin. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) When pyramids don't floss. (Joe Gallaher, Potomac) Two gays walk up to a bar . . . (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Cartoon F: Unfortunately, Alex misunderstood the club's request for a "bouncer." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Just because they're French doors doesn't mean they'll stand for being French-kissed. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Bungee jumping using your own tongue proves to be a failure. (John DiFazio) The hospital quickly realized the folly of posting biopsy results on the oncology department window. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Cartoon G: Sneaking in after hours, Footch Finkelstein awakens his angry wife. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Many players were injured needlessly before golfers agreed on the now-standard warning call, "FORE." (Kenneth Bohlin, Alexandria) Cartoon H: Good news! The District has hired Michael Jordan to help promote its image! Bad news: This is all of him it can afford to show. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Next Week: Play It Again, Sham ====================================================================== WEEK 292, published October 18, 1998 Week 292: Paying the Bill Punishments for the president: 1. Fake a Russian nuclear attack. As the missiles are supposedly screaming toward Washington, and Clinton calls Yeltsin on the hot line, reroute the call to a Yeltsin impersonator, who keeps losing his train of thought and moaning. 2. Clinton must mentor Gennifer, Monica and Paula in group tutoring sessions until they each score at least 1470 on the SAT. 3. When Clinton leaves office, he is permitted to write an autobiography, negotiate a book contract and keep the profits. But the book's title must be "Compared to Me, Warren Harding Was Abe Lincoln." 4. For the remainder of his term, Clinton must wear one of those fancy electronic monitoring bracelets, but not on his wrist or ankle. This Week's Contest was proposed by Niels Hoven of Silver Spring, who wins a bottle of doe urine. Since lawmakers are discussing coupling censure of the president with a penalty, Niels suggests that you help them out by proposing appropriate punishments, like those above. First-prize winner gets a rather astonishingly tacky beaded and mirrored elephant purchased at the rather astonishingly tacky South of the Border, and donated to the Style Invitational by Greg Arnold of Herndon, who wins a pair of deer-gutting gloves. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 292, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 26. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Vacation No One Needs was written by Richard Leiby of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from week 289, in which you were invited to submit entries to any previous contest, ideas you may have thought of after the contest deadline had passed. Second Runner-Up: Invent a new element -- Trippium, a heavy meddle.(Dave Zarrow, Herndon) First Runner-Up: People Unclear on the Concept: (Michael A. Genz, La Plata) And the winner of the 40-year-old gilded commemorative plate featuring likenesses of America's First Family: Come up with a name for the 1990s: The First Kenneth Starr Decade. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Make David Twenhafel laugh: What is both seven feet and a meter, simultaneously? Iambic heptameter! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Hints from Heloise: Dear Heloise: We keep our old, inoperable refrigerator in the basement and use it as a penalty box when the kids misbehave. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Why things were worse in my day: In my day, we didn't have no hot and cold running water. We had one spigot, and it was labeled "tepid." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Good idea, bad idea: Good idea: A cheap motel. Bad idea: A cheap mohel. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Pretentious expressions: I avoid sale items like the plague. They've been pawed over by God knows what. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Yogi-isms: His problem is he is consistent only some of the time. (Michael A. Genz, La Plata) With all this pollution, this planet ain't long for this world. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Bad name for a children's book: He's No Longer a Stranger Once You Ask His Name! (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts: Once, I watched an ant carry a crumb from one side of the street to the other. It was so vulnerable, so totally unaware of its surroundings. Then a mail truck broadsided me and I was in traction for three months. I'm suing. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Disprove a slogan: Slogan: A good cigar is a smoke. Disproved: Monica Lewinsky. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Silver linings: Blindness: You can get two glass eyes, which makes all the glass-eye pranks twice as funny. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Change one letter, and redefine: Congenial liar -- n., The president of the United States. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Inkubus -- n., The muse of erotic literature. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Hermouth -- n., An aperitif and an aphrodisiac. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Kakaesque -- adj., Like the Style Invitational. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ideas that never made it off the drawing board: Yum! Kippur -- A holiday all-you-can-eat special at Denny's. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Bad ideas for toys: Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego's Cigar? (T. J. Murphy, Arlington) Wouldn't it be great if: ... breasts were in the back? I would sure enjoy dancing more. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Separated at birth: Hank Hill and Trent Lott. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Phrases to instantly clear a room: Did you know that a crowded elevator smells different to a dwarf? (Kitty Klaus, Sterling) Go ahead -- ask me how many Beanie Babies I own. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) High school football teams: The Rutland (Vt.) Satyrs. (Don Cook, Locust Grove) Elegant insults: What is amazing about Hugh Downs is he doesn't at all resemble his twin sister, Eleanor Roosevelt. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Bad new name for a car: The Rage Rover. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Next Week: The World Theories ====================================================================== WEEK 293, published October 25, 1998 Week 293: The Verse of America People in love, Fooling around. A black shoulder Swept the ground. A droopy nose Held in the teeth Picked up and kissed. It's only me! It really was difficult To see who was who. How bad a thing Did I do? This Week's Contest was suggested by Kelli Midgley-Biggs of Columbia, who wins a new, improved name. Kelli is now Katharine M. Butterfield, Esq., of Potomac. Katharine observes that just as art may be found anywhere, so may poetry. She proposes that you take any story in today's Washington Post and create a poem or a song by stringing together various phrases from that story. Each phrase must be at least two words long. You may use your own punctuation and line spacing. We created the above poem entirely from phrases in today's Miss Manners column. Your poems may or may not rhyme. Make sure that you tell us which story your poem is taken from. Because we think this one of the best contest ideas ever, we are also sending Katharine a fine present: a can of Oregon Jack Rabbit Milk ("can cause old maids to fall in love, confirmed bachelors to propose, and the married to swing"). First-prize winner gets a t-shirt and ceramic coffee mug celebrating 25 years of Mr. Coffee products, sent to The Washington Post by the Mr. Coffee Corp. in a shameless effort to nail free publicity. We called the Mr. Coffee Corp. to snidely inform them that we are the humongously incorruptible Washington Post and we cannot be bribed for free product endorsements, at which point the Mr. Coffee Company promised also to send the winner of this contest a Mr. Coffee thermal carafe, a Mr. Coffee Commuter coffee maker, a Mr. Coffee Iced Cafe maker, a Mr. Coffee Cocomotion mug and a 12-cup Mr. Coffee drip coffeemaker! In return all we had to do was declare the Mr. Coffee Corp. to be the best run and most public-spirited commercial enterprise on the planet, featuring the best engineered home brewing products, which are available at suprisingly affordable prices, considering their world-class design and astonishing durability. This seemed like a good deal, so we snapped it up like gators at a luau. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 292, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 2. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The executive editor of the Washington Post requires us to make it clear that we have in fact paid The Mr. Coffee Corp. for the merchandise supplied to our winners. He believes this information does not in any way blunt the above joke, and because he is the executive editor of the Washington Post, with the power to reassign us to a news bureau in some dank and hellish Third-Word principality whose water supply contains amoebas the size of marshmallows, we do not question his judgment. This Week's Next Week No One Reads was written by Jean Sorensen of Herndon. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 290, in which we asked you to create new theories and rules to explain life. Fourth Runner-Up: The size of the pepper mill is inversely proportional to the quality of the food in the restaurant. (Minders Weiskopf, Hollywood) Third Runner-Up: The more holiday ensembles a woman owns (e.g., Halloween sweatshirt with matching ghost earrings), the more likely she is to wear them on her bingo night.(Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: The deeper the defendant's pockets, the more likely his wife was killed by the one person in 12 billion who shares his genetic profile. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) First Runner-Up: The less-known tobacco warning theory: The purchase of a suit with two pairs of pants guarantees you will burn a hole in the jacket. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) And the winner of the huge, framed reproduction of an Elvis stamp: The greater the number of multiple personalities you have, the greater chance that one of the irresponsible ones won't pull his weight with the household chores. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) u Honorable Mentions: The older the boy, the more he shoves filthy clothes back into his dresser. The older the girl, the more she tosses perfectly clean clothes into the hamper. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The better-looking the prostitute, the better the chance that she's a he. Not that I would know or anything. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Occam's Electric Razor Theory: The simplest way to shave is probably the best. (Mike Genz, La Plata) The Newscasters' Circular Analogy Theory: A news reporter will describe an area devastated by a natural disaster as "looking like a war zone." That same reporter will describe a war-torn area as "looking like a tornado or hurricane hit." (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) The Crenelation Theory of Bad Luck: Whenever you step in dog poo, you're sure to be wearing waffle-soled shoes. (Ralph Scott, Washington) The Look-What-I-Made Theory: The more gifted the parents say their child is, the more gifted the parents think they are. (Philip Vitale, Arlington) The more whimsically pastoral the name of the subdivision (such as Whispering Hush-a-Bye Willow Acres), the more likely it contains yards full of junked cars and a pig-slaughtering facility. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Access to your rental car fuel tank will always be on the side opposite the pump. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) The way to make sure someone will answer the phone when you're calling is to take a huge bite of cheesecake. (Carolyn Bassing, Takoma Park) The higher the hairdo, the louder the gum. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) You will be disappointed in your daughter's first boyfriend in the same way the Titanic was disappointed by the iceberg. (Russ Beland, Springfield) The smaller the breasts, the more intelligent, sexy and exciting the woman. (Please see that this theory gets the widespread recognition it deserves.) (Susan Reese, Arlington) The School Bake Sale Theory: The older the child, the more likely the mother will send Entenmann's. The younger the child, the more likely he is to bring in an impressive homemade coconut and truffle three-layer cake in the shape of a Teletubby. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The more often you hear the recorded words "Your call is important to us," the less it is true. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) The more guys you meet named "Saddam," the closer you are getting to Baghdad. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) When attempting to turn off a lamp that has a three-way bulb, you always misjudge which setting it is on and end up making the room brighter. (David Genser, Arlington) The number of potholes is proportional to the temperature of the cappucino in your lap. (Steven King, Vienna) All supermarket foods with fat content over 50 percent are purchased after 10 p.m. by people wearing purple sweat pants. (Steven King, Arlington) As you get to a more advanced age, words change their spelling. (Carolyn Bassing, Takoma Park) The longer you've lived out of a suitcase, the more liley you will draw a customs inspector resembling Cindy Crawford. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) Next Week: Another Contest, Duh ====================================================================== WEEK 294, published November 1, 1998 Week 294: Product Liarbility U.S. Robotics -- How the phone is answered at the Gore 2000 campaign. Canada Dry -- Ottawa-based national prohibition movement. Midas Muffler -- The Swiss government's official spin-control program regarding Nazi gold. Mop & Glow -- Job description for janitors at Three Mile Island. This Week's Contest was suggested by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a can of "Evening in Laurel" coffee, a local product donated to the Style Invitational by Dave Zarrow of Herndon, who wins a videotape entirely filled with Geico commercials. Elden suggests that you take the name of any commercial product and redefine it, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a genuine Snellen eye chart (E FP TOZ, etc.) worth $25. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 294, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 9. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Promo No One Reads was written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 291, in which we invited you to combine the first part of any hyphenated word in that day's Post with the last part of any other hyphenated word in the same story, and provide a definition for the hybrid. Fifth Runner-Up: Lewin-ized -- adj., Recently surpassed 'Martinized' as the fabric finishing of choice at dry cleaners throughout the Washington area. (William Scott, Montclair) Fourth Runner-Up: Whenev-ship -- n., the extremely casual bond between twenty-somethings. (Ann Zeleny, Boonesboro) Third Runner-Up: Mono-ria -- n., an STD you give to yourself. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: Be-ness -- n., one of the many, many definitions of "is." (Stu Solomon, Springfield) First Runner-Up: Expec-utive -- n., a CEO from the smokeless tobacco industry.(Ray Bohlken, Virginia Beach) And the winner of the transcript of the early days of the Senate Watergate hearings: Easy-lis-choly -- n., that sad feeling you get when you hear a Stones song in the elevator. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Thingthatwillfind-tire -- n., the only sharp object within five miles of your car. (Ann Zeleny, Boonesboro) Half-up? -- adj., Following the milk industry's wildly successful "Got Milk?" campaign, the makers of Viagra created their own slogan. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Birth-mummy -- n., a woman who gives her baby up for Egyptian. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Rot-o'lantern -- n., what is on your window sill two weeks after Halloween. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Barbara Lewis, Berwyn Heights) Sex-ington Post. n., Washington's premier newspaper, during the last year. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Anniversa-locity -- n., the seemingly increasing rate at which yearly celebrations pass. (Benjamin Eye, Washington; Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Arlington) Orga-man -- n., Secret Service code for the president. (Stu Solomon, Springfield) Bei-gious -- adj., sort of tannish. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Cyber-bases -- n., the various stages of cybersex. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) De-ratchik -- n., the Russian term for Minnie Mouse. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) La-dress -- n., you know, the one with la stain. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Per-tify -- n., to get someone all gussied up. (Edna Mae Cucumber, Moose Flop, Ala.; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Wom-ant -- n., a small female who can carry twice her weight over long distances. (Ann Zeleny, Boonesboro; Susan Reese, Arlington) Tempo-skins -- n., Norv Turner and Charley Casserly. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Dishonor-ville -- n., Bill's new postal address. (William Scott, Montclair) Theo-mosexuality -- n., Van Gogh really loved his brother. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Confi-monically -- adv., word used by Linda Tripp to assure her friends that she'll never repeat anything they tell her. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Rhythm-and-crab -- n., a very, very effective birth control method. (David Genser, Arlington) Psycho-Tex -- n., H. Ross Perot. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Ten-somethings -- n., preteens. (David Genser, Arlington) Impeach-peached -- n., In place of full impeachment, a method of presidential censure in which the entire Congress will lob rotting fruit at the president. (John Kammer, Herndon) Prosecu-cutor -- adj., a generally positive change in physical appearance lawyers will undergo when their trials attract national coverage. (see, Clark, Marcia.) (John Kammer, Herndon) Position-monically -- v., to kneel. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) Clin-gon -- n., a creature with high intelligence but strange sexual practices. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Diffi-cated -- n., suffered from constipation. (Adrienne G. Hope, Gaithersburg; Hannelore Aronstein, Falls Church) Grandpar-ing -- n., the gradual loss of one's elderly relatives. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ken-stitutional -- adj., describing one's authority to investigate whatever, forever. (Ginny Carr and Robert McBride, Woodbridge) Mary-o'lanterns -- n., Jack's politically correct counterparts. (Benjamin Eye, Washington) Lead-membering -- n., a proposition, Clinton-style. (G. Smith, Falls Church) Bo-bachev -- n., a Russian clown. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Next Week: Paying The Bill ====================================================================== WEEK 295, published November 8, 1998 Week 295: Panel Discussion This Week's contest: Supply the contents of the missing panel. Choose one strip or more. Just tell us who is in it, and who is saying what. We'll draw the winners. First-prize winner gets a Bill Clinton Halloween mask. It is worth $25. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 295, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 16. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Correction No One Needs was written by Richard Leiby of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 292, in which you were asked to propose punishments for President Clinton. Second Runner-Up: For his entrances, "Hail to the Chief" will be replaced by that striptease theme. (Jason Zweiback, Livermore, Calif.; Sandra Hull, Arlington) First Runner-Up: From now on, after sex, he has to "cuddle."(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) And the winner of the beaded and mirrored elephant: Secret Service Agents get to wear "I'm With Stupid" T-shirts. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Honorable Mentions: On those tacky souvenir presidential plates, across Clinton's face print a big APPREHENDED. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) The president must go to 10 book signings, and autograph copies of the Starr Report. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia; David Kleinbard, Washington) The president must use the discarded portion of Paula Jones's nose as a shot glass to drink Clamato. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) After leaving the White House, make him move to Arkansas and live with a shrew. What? Oh, never mind. (Clark Kidd, Sterling) Make him do that cigar thing. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington; Robin D. Grove, Arlington) He must legally change his name to The Big Creep. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) His only outlet is phone sex with Fran Drescher. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The license plate on the presidential limo will read OVRSEXD. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "Hail to the Chief" will be played, but only by a kazoo-and-armpit band. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) In the movie, Monica Lewinsky's part will be played by Kate Winslet. Clinton's part will be played by Buddy Hackett. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) He has to kiss William Ginsburg on his pulkes. (Julia Gordon, Washington; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) We fix it so that whenever he tries to make love to a woman, she points at his genitalia, laughs uncontrollably and leaves. Over time, this really gets to a guy. Trust me. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville.) Keep his White House security deposit. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) We could name an airport after him. It would be some place like Hoople, N.D., and it would just be a cornfield with a windsock. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Any campaign commercial featuring Clinton will be narrated by Gilbert Gottfried. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Tell him there is a large order of fries in the corner of the Oval Office. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Sabotage his daughter's wedding. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) We make him stand in for all those cardboard cutouts that photo vendors have up around the Capitol. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) And last: He must sit in on a lecture about methyl bromide and its effects on the ozone, like I am doing right now, and I can assure you it is great punishment. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Next Week: The Verse of America ====================================================================== WEEK 296, published November 15, 1998 Week 296: BILL US LATER The Bayh-Crapo fertilizer subsidy act The Wu-Tancredo bill to establish decency norms for hip-hop lyrics The Baird-Bunning bill to ban bottomless clubs This Week's Contest: Choose among the names of any of the newly elected U.S. senators or representatives (the list is beneath this column) and propose a bill they might sponsor, as in the examples above. Bills may have as many co-sponsors as you wish. Describe the bills carefully: We anticipate some similar entries, and we will select as winners those that are best expressed. First-prize winner receives a fanny pack personally sewn by Sandra Hull of Arlington. It is made entirely of scraps from Style Invitational T-shirts. This fine item is one of a kind, and therefore priceless. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 296, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 23. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Vacation No One Takes was written by Brian Broadus of Charlottesville. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 293, in which we invited you to make poems from lines in any single story in that day's newspaper. But first, a poem of our own: Whenever we seek mirthful verse / Something happens strange and sad / Some folks open desk and purse / And send in poems dreadf'lly bad. / The subject's wrong, they make no jest / (e.g., an ode to one once loved). / Hope beats within the poet's breast / That someday soon he'll be discov'd. / Most such works are very poor. / Except for yours, which was great, it / Would have run, we're pretty sure. / But, alas, our doggie ate it. Second Runner-Up: From the Education Review supplement: Clinton's call To run in the hall. He moves gracefully, Swinging loose and long. Don't seem to respect women Eager to find more. The mother ... So I need to yell, Get a gerbil!(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: From Walter Scott's Personality Parade: So who'd mind Sex with Cindy Crawford -- in a cemetery? -- in prison? -- in front of 1,200 people? -- in front of a New Hampshire official? Desperately trying to pretend to produce a child. Who'd mind? (Eric Brody, Washington) And the winner of the T-shirt and ceramic coffee mug and various fabulous coffee producing items celebrating 25 years of Mr. Coffee products: From Mike Causey's Federal Diary. Half of all marriages end in divorce But if you are concerned, ask yourself why. Keep in mind, for darn sure, there is a catch. The remainder that keep going simply die. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: From the classified ads, Apts Unfurn: Cable ready. 2 br. Walk to Metro. Bus at dr. Air cond. Mini-blinds. Some with carpet. On bus line. Parquet flrs. Heat and air. Garbage disp. W/gar. Lots of light. Fresh paint. Call for details. By appnt. (Barney Kaufman, Manassas) From a story about the Norwegian prime minister: Kjell Magne Bondevik Took three and a half weeks of sick Leave. "As brave as Diana" said the Dagbladet. What Norway has, most countries wish they had it. (Lynn Stanton, Silver Spring) From TV Week's Sunday Highlights: A woman out to avenge The dichotomy of wealth and cultures Joins forces with A valuable fish Who has starved himself. (Victoria McKernan, Washington) From the story about the Norwegian prime minister: On the boundaries between what is public And what is private, God must be granting interviews. (Randi Gray Kristensen, Washington) From the Business section: Short run Safe haven Driven by liquidity and de-leveraging flows Bigger-than-usual Movements are often irrational Real panic to unload. Now is a lousy, stinking time. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) From "Ravens Head to Green Bay" An ankle, a thigh, Caused him to have lost. From a groin near full, He was too reckless. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) From The Travel section: In Chevy Chase An uncomfortable, sterile place A waiting room where I do not share Reasons that cause me to fear (I was going to add something here.) (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) From the Noted With column: There's this can of soup, Consumed without thought. I used my mouth. (Adrienne Hagen, Berryville) From an essay by Jane Smiley in the Outlook section: New, novel sex comes luscious and delightful. Organs of art, of partnership joyous and sad. Even within ourselves, The truth lies. (Lynn Stanton, Silver Spring) From The Style Invitational: Old maids Do not question The size of the pepper mill. (Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Arlington) From the obituary of Eric Ambler: It does seem rather odd That a man who was A best-selling writer Published to rave reviews, Hailed as A great master Of immense importance, Displayed a love of Writing ads for Ex-lax. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) From a story about daylight-saving time: Change delivers a one-two punch Crashes occur, Rather dramatic. Beginning tomorrow, Time Ends. (Tina Ingerski, Sterling) Next Week: Product Liarbility Baird; Baldwin; Bayh; Berkley; Biggert; Bunning; Capuano; Crapo; Crowley; DeMint; Edwards; Fitzgerald; Fletcher; Gonzalez; Green; Hayes; Hill; Hoeffel; Holt; Inslee; Kuykendall; Lincoln; Larson; Lucas; Miller; Moore; Napolitano; Ose; Phelps; Reynolds; Ryan; Schakowsky; Schumer; Sherwood; Shows; Simpson; Sweeney; Tancredo; Terry; Thompson; Toomey; Tubbs-Jones; Udall; Udall; Voinovich; Walden; Weiner; Wu. ====================================================================== WEEK 297, published November 22, 1998 Week 297: Free for Oil To the Editor: I am writing to express my shock and dismay over Miss Manners's rudeness. She had no right to publish the names of persons whose only offense was to ask her advice on a personal matter of wedding etiquette. Your newspaper owes Ms. Jane Jones and Mr. John Smith, as well as Mr. and Mrs. Host, an apology for this unconscionable invasion of their privacy! -- An outraged reader This Week's Contest was suggested by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a lock of hair taken from the recently severed ponytail of Karl Vick, the world-famous Washington Post correspondent in East Africa. This animal protein matter might possibly have been imported in violation of international law, but we felt it a chance worth taking. Karl was one of the last bald men on Earth with a ponytail. With its disappearance, the world is just a little colder. Jean suggests that you take any article in today's paper, and write an outraged letter to the editor about it that totally misses the point, either by misreading a word or misunderstanding the topic. This is a cross between Emily Litella and the Post's Free for All letters page on any given Saturday. Make sure you tell us which story you are responding to, and which page it is on. (The example above is responding to a reader letter in today's Miss Manners column.) First-prize winner gets a genuine Argentine bolo, donated to The Style Invitational by Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who notes, "It's been a while since you gave away something really deadly." Sarah wins a Styrofoam spittoon. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 297, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 30. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Promo No One Reads was written by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 294, in which you were asked to take the name of a company or product, and give it a new definition. Seventh Runner-Up: Frosted Cheerios -- The icy salutation of British Royals.(Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Sixth Runner-Up: Cabbage Patch -- A patch for those trying to stop eating cabbage. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fifth Runner-Up: Immodium -- A small lectern in front of which politicians deliver long, boring, paralyzingly constipated pronouncements. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) Fourth Runner-Up: Hair Club for Men -- A locking device to keep your toupee from being stolen. (Tom Phelps, Silver Spring) Third Runner-Up: Velveeta -- The epic saga of Elvis. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: Unilever -- An Iraqi voting booth. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: Post-Its -- 'Twas. (Ralph Scott, Washington) And the winner of the genuine Snellen eye chart: Bounce, Downy, Snuggle, Final Touch and Cling Free -- Describes Clinton's view of the affair using only fabric softeners. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Honorable Mentions: Duncan Hines -- The other brother, who tap-dances while yo-yoing. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Cracker Jack -- The new stadium in Alabama built by the Cooke family. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Mueslix -- Sometimes your muse merely calls. Other times, it gets downright fresh. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Sudafed -- A software program on how to file a civil action against the government. (Antonio La Grech, Takoma Park) Pop Secret -- Paternity suit settled without publicity. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Vanish Drop-Ins -- Poisoned elderberry wine. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Renuzit -- Acne enhancer. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) The Body Shop -- Jesse Ventura renames the governor's mansion. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington; Joseph Romm, Washington) SnackWells -- The areas around the cushions of one's living room couch, in which one often finds vestiges of foods eaten while watching TV. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) Johnson & Johnson -- The generic name for a gay porn flick. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Time Warner -- Wrinkles, diminished eyesight, etc. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Ritz Crackers -- The Beverly Hillbillies. (Courtney Sherwood, Reston; Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac) Oral-B -- Monica's grade on her last intern evaluation. (David Genser, Arlington) Faberge Brut -- A bad egg. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Ban Roll-On -- We let those tree-huggers take away our aerosol deodorants, but now they've gone too far. (Ralph Scott, Washington) Corn Chex -- Software to analyze your writing for stale humor. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Hostess Ho Ho's -- Truth in advertising hits the "hostess" industry. (Ralph Scott, Washington) Kenmore -- Mattel finally introduces an anatomically correct companion for Barbie. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Big Red gum -- Severe gingivitis. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Cremora -- An eel-like parasite that clings to cows. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) John Deere -- A company that writes personalized letters to end relationships. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Lipton Ice Tea -- A rapper who sold out to The Man. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Washington Redskins -- A brand of potatoes easily whipped. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Dimetapp -- A cheap hooker. (John Kammer, Herndon) Land O'Lakes -- Where the Oxymoron Association's convention is being held this year. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Frigidaire -- The White House bedroom. (Robin D. Grove, Arlington) Maalox -- Goat cheese and salmon spread. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Depends -- President Clinton's definition of sex. (Andrew M. Cohn, Springfield) Next Week: Panel Discussion ====================================================================== WEEK 298, published November 29, 1998 Week 298: The Right Stuff My monopoly on nooky. Moo. Moo. No lumpy milk. I'm no killjoy. Jump upon my loin. This week's contest: Write a sentence, or phrase, or entire passage, using only your right hand on the keyboard. This means you may use no keys to the left of N, H, Y and 7. (Unlike Archy the Cockroach, you may simultaneously use the shift key.) First-prize winner gets a talking Christmas wreath, which is worth $20. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 298, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 8. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. This week's promo promo ad was written by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 295, in which we asked you to help us fill in the missing panel in any of four cartoons. Many people made the excellent suggestion that Cartoon D, with its blank last panel, was already complete. -- Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon D)Chuck Smith, Woodbridge(Cartoon D): Dilbert and Momma are hung upside down in a dungeon, next to that hairy Wizard of Id character. Dilbert: "You had to get Zippy the Pinhead to represent us!" -- Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon B)Jennifer Hart, Arlington (Cartoon B): Charlie, to reader: "Whew! Our strip almost contained a funny, relevant gag. But luckily, I scared it away! -- First Runner-Up: (Cartoon A)Don Cooper, Burke (Cartoon A) Customer says, "I'm fluent in German, Spanish, Italian, Russian, Mandarin, Swahili and Urdu, but I do not speak French. -- And the winner of the Bill Clinton mask: (Cartoon D) Sarge from Beetle Bailey is holding a gun to Snoopy's head. In the background, Momma is saying, "Raise our royalties or the dog gets it." (David Genser, Arlington) -- Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A Customer: "Why, I bet a frog like you doesn't even know four words in English!" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Waiter: "Might I remind Madame that she is in Paris?" (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville; Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Customer: "Does this mean that if I order francs and beans I might actually get some money? Ha, ha. Because, you see, francs are French money. Ha, ha!" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) -- Cartoon B: Charlie Brown: "Wow, these assertiveness training exercises are great! I'll never be a loser again, why, I ... (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Lucy: "Despite the promising beginning, this strip invariably relies on tired catch phrases for its punch lines." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Snoopy thinks: "Uh-oh. He's alerted to my cocaine stash!" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Snoopy thinks: "If you can't speak the language, shouting does not help." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Snoopy thinks: "He's left out the accent aigu." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) -- Cartoon C: Boy: "Do your varicose veins save you a lot of money on fishnet stockings?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Boy: "I'm gullible because I'm an only child." (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville) Teacher: "Billy, this is the third time you've missed 'non sequitur' on the vocabulary test. When are we going to see some improvement?" (David Genser, Arlington) Boy: "Are you going to sleep with me and have my baby and then rot in jail while I flee to Europe?" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) -- Cartoon D: Momma, to man behind a desk: "So, it's agreed then? Now we all get paid by the word, just like Cathy does? Well, that's a relief, because now we can just blather on and on without ... (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Bill Us Later ====================================================================== WEEK 299, published December 6, 1998 Week 299: Another Leftist Rag Crazed Barber Carves Face Czar Bares Sex Warts! Barbra Sez Bras Are Bad Fat Dad Eats Brat This Week's Contest: Imagine yourself the editor of a supermarket tabloid. You are on deadline. You have to make up headlines that will catch the readers' eyes. But unfortunately, your right wrist is a spouting, bloody stump, the hand having been hacked off by a reader enraged at a story that claimed he was the spawn of Satan and Zsa Zsa Gabor. This small physical disability does not disturb you, because you are, of course, drunk. So you write the day's headlines with your left hand only. (This means you can use no keys to the right of the 6,T,G and B.) Yes, this is a listless variation of last week's contest, but intellectual lassitude is the juice that greases our presses. What are you going to do, boycott this contest? We think not, once we have informed you that the first-prize winner gets a book of elegant color photographs donated to the Style Invitational by Tom Shroder of Miami. Titled "Man Eating Bugs," it chronicles cultures that, y'know, eat bugs. The cover shows a Cambodian child consuming a tarantula. Here is an Aussie sucking down some fresh, dewy moth larva. Here is a recipe for stink bug pate ("one-half pound roasted stink bugs, ten chicken livers ... ") and another for scorpion soup. This book is priceless. Tom wins roughly $1 million, distributed in modest bimonthly payments over the next 10 years or so. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 299, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 14. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 296, in which we asked you to fashion legislation from the names of the new U.S. senators and representatives. Fifth Runner-Up: DeMint-Green-Lincoln Pimpmobile Registration Act. (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring) Fourth Runner-Up: The Fitzgerald-Gonzalez-Napolitano-Schakowsky-Wu bill to keep out foreigners. (David Genser, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: The Udall-Sherwood-Crapo bill to censor selected news items in order to protect common citizens from the shock of certain revelations. (John Kammer, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: The Shows-Baird-Weiner-Toomey bill to compensate Paula Jones.(Dave Zarrow, Herndon; J.F. O'Donnell, Springfield) First Runner-Up: The Kuykendall-Udall-Udall bill to improve acoustics in the House chamber. (Daniel Platt, Manassas) And the winner of the Sandra Hull fanny pack: The Bayh Bill -- articles of impeachment. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Honorable Mentions: The Holt-Ryan-Ose-Bayh-Weiner Act -- Law instructing the populace in the proper method to restrain stampeding rhinoceri. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The Sweeney-Crapo bill to honor the Demon Barber of Fleet Enema Street. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Larson-Ose-Hill bill to re-legalize check kiting at the House bank. (Cy Gardner, Arlington; Jeff Berman, Washington) The Lincoln-Lucas-Moore-Ose bill to engrave a smile on the the president's grave countenance on his Memorial statue. (Yves Chretien, Rockville) The Holt-DeMint bill to compel hotels to use pure milk chocolate for their pillow favors. (Sue Finger, Falls Church) The Sherwood-Bayh-Udall prostitution legalization act. (Heather Crawford, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The DeMint-Weiner amendment to prohibit the use of Altoids for non-nutritional uses. (Barbara Gems, Reston; Mary Lou White, Arnold) The Lincoln-Lucas-Biggert-Toomey act commissioning a study to make sure the heads on Mount Rushmore are all the same size. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The Green-Bayh-Wu Louisiana wetlands restoration act. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) The Udall-Wu-Moore bill to compel health insurers to cover Viagra. (Alan Zirkle, Fredericksburg) The Udall-Biggert-Weiner sweepstakes notification act. (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring) The Bayh-Green-Miller bill to encourage the purchase of beer on St. Patrick's Day. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Green-Bayh act prohibiting those idiotic cheesehead hats at football games. (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington) The Bayh-Moore-Napolitano bill to permit the purchase of a second box of Neapolitan ice cream even if some ice cream from the first box remains uneaten, as long as it's only the strawberry. (Andrea Kelly and Marcus Ferro, Silver Spring) The Ryan-Shows-Terry bill to impose mandatory sentencing for preschoolers convicted of playing doctor. (Maria Deasy, Reston) The Moore-Ose-Baird-Weiner act, vindicating any member of Congress for sexual harassment so long as he expresses sorrow. (Dave Andrews, Williamsburg) The Lucas-Crapo-Toomey bill banning dress-down Fridays in all federal buildings. (Joe Dodd, Catonsville) The Biggert-Tubbs-Jones bill to pay Paula Jones's settlement in popcorn. (David Genser, Arlington) The Simpson-Ose-Moore-Toomey bill to increase compensation for Fred Goldman. (Susan Reese, Arlington) The Shows-DeMint-Toomey bill prohibiting salary caps for pro athletes (nicknamed "The Jerry Maguire bill.") (Susan Reese, Arlington) The Green-Weiner act outlawing penis envy. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) The Biggert-Bunning-Sherwood-Holt-Moore-Weiner act, setting size standards for hot dog vendors' wares. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Next Week: Free For Oil ====================================================================== WEEK 300, published December 13, 1998 Week 300: A Brand New Contest Matt Drudge cleanser ("To really, really, really get the dirt out!") Ken Starr weenies. Jeffrey Dahmer Manwich. Larry King softballs. This Week's Contest is to type a sentence using only your nose and right pinky no, we're off that kick. This week's contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins three disposable Betadine Swabsticks, which are basically giant Q-tips soaked in iodine. They stain your skin so profoundly that minor cuts or abrasions resemble vast, suppurating leprous lesions. Elden suggests that you come up with celebrity-brand products, as in the example above. They may or may not also contain a descriptive slogan. First-prize winner receives a fancy ballpoint pen advertising Viagra, donated to the Style Invitational by Charlie Myers of Laurel, who claims he won it in a tennis tournament. It is worth $25. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 300, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 21. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Abrv No One Ntcs was was written by Sandra Hull of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 297, in which we asked you to comb through that day's stories in The Post and come up with letters to the editor that sort of miss the point. u Second Runner-Up: To the editor: Does The Post so hate America that you wish to deliver our national secrets into the hands of our enemies? I refer of course to The Post's publication of page after page of "Classified" information, blatantly labeled as such in type so large that even the most dimwitted spy can hardly fail to miss it! J.J. Gertler, Arlington u First Runner-Up: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless To the Editor: Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not 10 tons of additional pavement! This donation is cruel, like giving 20,000 Zippos to a burn ward. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. William Scott, Montclair, Va. u And the winner of the Argentine bolo: HAND-DELIVERED. URGENT! To the editor: Do not let them bury those people whose pictures you showed in Sunday's obituaries! Most of them look like they are still alive! David Genser, Arlington u Honorable Mentions: Momentum Is Building in Downtown Revival I continue to be appalled by your poor understanding and incorrect usage of even the simplest physics terms. Momentum is the property of mass multiplied by velocity. As buildings remain at rest, they have no momentum. The term you are looking for is "inertia."(John Kammer, Herndon) Unproductive Mids Trampled at Home Our nation's military academies are and should remain highly competitive. But it is horrifying that parents are resorting to corporal punishment when a student has fallen behind in his studies. I am especially dismayed to learn the Southern Methodists had a hand in this savagery. (William Scott, Montclair) Catholic Fumbles, Stumbles in Playoffs -- By Neil H. Greenberger Catholic fumbles? I cannot believe your sportswriters are allowed to single out for criticism persons of certain faiths. Everyone errs occasionally, not just Catholics. I guess Mr. Greenberger feels Jews never drop the ball, but I'm here to tell you I found one who did, in this awful article. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Palestinians Say Israelis Violated Accord So now they're blaming the Jews for every car that's broken into? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement -- Well, that's just great. Just what we need -- an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What's next, a drunk-driving commune? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Bishop Lifts Kansas State Over Missouri A Roman Catholic miracle, and The Post buries it in Sports? This is typical of your godlessness. I'm sure if it was some Vatican scandal, we would see it on Page 1 above the fold. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Bishop Leads Wildcats Past Missouri I find it commendable that the clergy are attempting, like Saint Patrick in Ireland, to rid the land of dangerous animals. However, your story irresponsibly fails to tell us where the good bishop is taking these creatures. Is he bringing them to the D.C. area? Show a little civic responsibility, please, and inform the public. (John Kammer, Herndon) I object to Frank Stewart's blatant denigration of the mentally challenged in his bridge column. Whatever he thinks of a player's relative skills, there is no excuse for the repeated reference to North as "Dummy." (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Pakistan Holds Members of Ethnic Movement What is the world coming to when Pakistani officials can get away with humiliating its enemies by holding their members? (John Kammer, Herndon) D.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for the article on D.C. United. There were so many typos I couldn't understand a word. (Terry Lewis, Alexandria) To the editor: You Washingtonians are so self-absorbed! Take Sunday's weather report. You go on and on about weather in the Washington area. You can bet that here in Muscateen, we don't spend all our time talking about Washington's weather. (David Genser, Muscateen) Republican Leadership Vacuum Might Open Doors for Governors When will these Poindexters in Washington understand that the American public won't put up with their gross misspending of U.S. tax dollars -- $600 hammers, $ 2,000 toilet seats, and now vacuum cleaners to open doors for governors? Please. (John Kammer, Herndon) I am eager to contact Mr. Scott Black, the "rumpled money manager," as I am eager to have him sort and straighten out my wrinkled currency. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) In re the recent spate of letters to the editor supporting more flights out of National Airport, I believe the authors do not consider the long-term consequences of this action. Unless we balance the number of flights out of National with the number of flights into National, we will only accelerate the trend of urban flight from the District of Columbia. (Kevin Shertz, Washington) I am outraged at the inappropriateness of the Taurus horoscope. The idea of an "older individual" helping me, a 12-year-old boy, "get into the big leagues" is repulsive. You have made me cry. (Jonathan Levy, Washington) Next Week: The Right Stuff ====================================================================== WEEK 301, published December 20, 1998 Week 301: Picture This What is happening in these cartoons? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets "My Town," by William Wegman. It is a handsome new book of photographs that tells a cheerful, uplifting narrative about a high school student named Chip. Chip is a dog. In fact, the book is composed entirely of photographs of Wegman's weimaraners, with dialogue balloons superimposed. From an artistic standpoint, this book seems to be making the statement that even fine artists will sometimes sell out as thoroughly as plywood in a hurricane. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 301, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 8. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Thing No One Thinks About was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 298, in which you were asked to construct sentences or passages by using only your right typing hand. There was a strange recurrence of theme. We attribute it to the evil gods of the keyboard, the same perverse individuals who gave us the Num Lock key. Third Runner-Up: Joni & Jimi: Hi & lo. Pholky & phunky. Milk & Yoo Hoo.(Ralph Scott, Washington) Second Runner-Up: PIN? "8990." No. "Oh, um, 9890?" No. "9980?" No. "Uh oh ..." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) First Runner-Up: Hip-hop = junk, in my opinion. Punk & pop oil MY pump. (Steve Smith, Ellicott City) And the winner of the talking Christmas wreath: Populi: Lyin' pol, jumpin' plump nymph. Pol: You imply I'm loopholin'? Look -- no loin link, no union. Populi: Hmmmph. Only ploy. Poo on you. Pol: No humpin', no lyin'. (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park) Honorable Mentions: Mommy, look. Pop jump up, pump pill in hoop. (Tony Alleyne, Fort Washington) Yoko Ono & no John L. = No polyphony, only plink, plink, plink. (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring) Noon in Ohio: Phony Phil, Punkin Polly, Jumpin Jimmy, Killjoy Kim, Hippy Holly, Jolly John & Molly (in mink) hook up & join in pupil opinion poll on Monopoly. (Linda B. Jones, Bowie) Lipo: Lookin' lumpy. Nip my hip, plump my lip. (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park; Joyce and Alli Rains, Bethesda) Loophol&. (Patrick Wright, Arlington) No nooky, pop? Loin puny, limp? Pop yon pill. (George Wright, Greenbelt; Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Jiminy, no joy in pukin' uphill. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) 7-ll = milk & junk. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Lollipop lollipop, oh lolli-lollipop. Lollipop lollipop, oh lolli-lollipop. Lollipop lollipop, oh lolli-lollipop. Lollipop. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg; William M. Powell, Arlington) John L. & Yoko Ono Mop-hunk & hippy punk, Hummin' "No. 9, No. 9 ommm" in limo. (Ralph Scott, Washington) "Oh Jimmy ... ohhhh ... ooooohhhhh. ... Ooooooooohhhhhh Jimmmmmmmmmyyyyy....." "Uh, I'm Phil." (Andrew M. Cohn, Springfield) Phony? Moi? (Ralph Scott, Washington; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Polyp in poop loop'll kill you. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Mmmmm. Yummy HOHO. Uh-oh, no milk? Only Yoo Hoo? Yukko. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) I'm on my "non-mommy" pill. (Don Cooper, Burke) I'm O.J. I loom. I kill. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Pull my pinky. "Poo." (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Ho' = Nympho in nylon, pump, mink. (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring) pi = 90 - 87 + .9 - .8 + .09 - .07 ... (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington) I h8 my m8 K8. I kill K8* I'm inm8. *pill in milk. (Michael J. Hammer, Arlington) I HATE THIS (John Kammer, Herndon) My mink ploy: I'll boink. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) I mull my "inny." Ommmmm ... (David Genser, Arlington) "Hi. You look yummy." "Ooooh, John." "No, Jim." "No, John. Look, my pimp." "Uh-oh." (David Genser, Arlington) And Last: Did you realize you could re-configure your computer keyboard temporarily so that all the letters required for virtually any message are on the right side? (John Kammer, Herndon) Next Week: Another Leftist Rag ====================================================================== WEEK 302, published December 27, 1998 Week 302: Unstated Truths A man. A woman. A Webhead. A pro athlete. A poet. A PR person. A telemarketer. An 8-year-old child. This Week's Contest: Come up with lines that you'll never hear the above people say. Choose one or more. (Example: Something you'll never hear a PR man say: "Steve, for a client, you've got some fabulous ideas. So what do you need us for?") First-prize winner gets a genuine goose-skin bottle donated to the Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a copy of the Washington-Baltimore Dog Lover's Companion, a new book that is basically a travel guide for dogs. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 302, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 3. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear No One Reads was written by Richard Leiby of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 299, in which you were asked to come up with supermarket tabloid headlines using only the left side of the computer keyboard. A few people wrote magnificent, inventive headlines that were, alas, too sedate for the tabs. Our favorite, by Joann Gottlieb of Arlington: "63% Agree Starr Exaggerated Case." Sixth Runner-Up: Bereaved Eats Cadaver! (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park) Fifth Runner-Up: FDA Data Asserts Casaba Breasted Babes Better Wear Bras(William M. Powell, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: Ta Ta Testes! Ex Castrates Deadbeat Dad (David Genser, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Reefer Rage Grabs W Va! Geezers Afeared! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Savages Eat Stewed Weewees as Dessert! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) First Runner-Up: Brett Favre Weds Bart Starr After 16 Beers! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the "Man Eating Bugs" book: Wet Areas Are Grease Dress Wearer Attests! Wet Areas Are Seed Swears Dress Tester! (Eric Lenning, Reston) Honorable Mentions! Cat Feces Stew Draws Raves at Catered Feast! (Brad Kelly, Bethesda) Starr Bares 666! (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Fattest Serb Ever Eats Greater Zagreb! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Dead Versace Weds! (Eric Lenning, Reston) Feds See Ceegar Sex as Fad! (Ian G. Mitchell, Manassas) Vast Stewardess Eats Dessert Cart! (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Texas Raw Bar VD Scare! Great Babes! Bad Crabs! (Tipper McFarren, Bethesda) GB Barfs at Far East State Feast! (Don Juran, Rockville) Serrated Bra Severs Breast! (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Excess Beer Affects Erect State! (Don Juran, Rockville) Starr Wears Sex Dress at Staff Retreat! (Paul Kocak, Syracuse; Brad Kelly, Bethesda) Extra! Fed Edgar Wears Taffeta Dresses! (Michael J. Hammer, Arlington) Vader Sex Saber Awes Star Wars Cast! (Eric Lenning, Reston) Sax Rat Addresses Greatest Sex Feats! (Jim Swickard, Uniontown, Ohio) Zsa Zsa Dead at 112! (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Eat Ersatz Fat! Defecate Drawers! (Don Juran, Rockville) Starr Regarded as Gasbag! (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park) And Last: Czar Test a Sad Retread! (Brad Kelly, Bethesda) Next Week: A Brand New Contest ====================================================================== WEEK 303, published January 3, 1999 Week 303: Boom Times Before Now Hard Rockers. Porch Rockers. Perfect Illumination. Perfect Elimination. Replacing Your Eight-Tracks. Replacing Your Hips. "Fear of Flying." Fear of Falling. Ordering dinner at 4 a.m. Ordering dinner at 4 p.m. This Week's Contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a black eye. This is a hilarious 1950s-era novelty that was donated to The Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a Dutch rub and a swift kick in the slats. Elden proposes that you come up with old and new concerns for the baby boom generation, as in the examples above. The winner gets a fine floral arrangement that would be very tasteful were it not clearly made of plastic of the type used for GI Joe, circa 1965. It is worth $20. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 303, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 11, 1936. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heads was written by Jennifer Hart of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 300, in which you were asked to come up with celebrity-brand products. But first, an apology to readers: Occasionally, a small mistake will creep past the eagle-eyed professionals who bring you The Style Invitational. That happened recently, when the fine print inadvertently indicated that the contest results were due on "June 8." The We regret the errot abnd are etaoinshrdlu taking steps to ensure tat thadt that URGENT DELETE ALL REFERENCES TO PENISES will not be repeated. Third Runner-Up: Jack Kevorkian snuff. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Second Runner-Up: Tom DeLay ax grinders. (Philip Vitale, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Bill Clinton lyres. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of the Viagra pen: Linda Tripp transparent double-faced tape. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: Ken Starr's Obsession.(Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Bob Livingston Cheetos. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Mike Tyson batteries. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Kevin Costner bombs. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) Tom DeLay party whip. ("Extra sharp") (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Hillary Clinton dry ice. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Ed McMahon foil. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Calista Flockhart string beans. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Family Circus contraceptives ("When the mere thought of another kid is just plain revolting"). (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Kato Kaelin loafers. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac; Ralph Scott, Washington) Adam Sandler flambe sauce. ("Guarantees a real flash in the pan.") (David Genser, Arlington) The Spice Girls dumbbells. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Rush Limbaugh lard. ("The right lard.") (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Bill Clinton flip-flops. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Catherine the Great stud finder. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Dr. Cecil Jacobson Jiffy Pop. (Jessica L. Mathews, Arlington) Steve Jobs apple turnovers. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; Thad Humphries, Warrenton) Larry Fortensky sponges. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Joan of Arc French toast. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville) The New Republic glass cleaner. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Kate Moss flatware. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Next Week: Picture This ====================================================================== WEEK 304, published January 10, 1999 Week 304: Time of the Signs Open Your Meal With a Prayer Rather Than a Can Opener. Don't Put a Period Where God Puts a Comma. Don't Let Your Resolutions Go In One Year and Out the Other. This week's contest was suggested by Thomas Templeton of Bethesda, who wins a hard-boiled egg. Thomas informed us about the North Bethesda United Methodist Church on Old Georgetown Road, which displays a different inspirational message every week, such as the ones above. Your challenge is to come up with similarly appropriate philosophical signage to appear outside any business or retail establishment in the Washington area, including government offices. Specify the name or nature of the business. First-prize winner gets one of the great prizes of all time, a copy of the Sept. 20, 1995, issue of Playboy magazine, in Braille. (No, there are no pictures. It occurs to us that blind men are the only people on Earth who are telling the truth when they say they read Playboy for the articles alone.) This prize was donated to The Style Invitational by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins "The Curious Sofa" by Edward Gorey, a small, lushly illustrated Victorian sitting-room drama that contains not a single naughty word or racy picture or overtly sexual scene but still somehow manages to be relentlessly pornographic. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 304, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 18. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear No One Reads was written by Tom Shroder of Vienna. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 301, in which we asked you to write captions to any of eight cartoons we supplied. Third Runner-Up:(Cartoon F) Modern witches avoid errors in their incantations by consulting an automatic "spell checker." (Russ Beland, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) The Gnatzis fire their dreaded Bee-2 rocket. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) Jonathan Livingroom Seagull. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) And the winner of the William Wegman book: (Cartoon C) The EconoLodge tried to put a positive spin on its roach infestation problem. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: The famous mortar and pest you've always heard about. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) A flea circus enlarged 10,000 times. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Iraq is still working out the bugs in its air defense system. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Doug ordered bug repellent, but was shipped bug propellant by mistake. (Mike Genz, La Plata) The origin of the expression "Bee me up, Scotty." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Cartoon B: After delivering Nkem Chukwu's babies, the stork went on disability with a herniated disk. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Mike Genz, La Plata) A drinking duck is caught resting overnight, proving there is no such thing as perpetual motion. (Robert Hershey, Washington) After his insurance carrier refused to cover the experimental plastic surgery, Lars was stuck with a huge bill. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The night before he starts his new job at the shooting range, Clayton Pigeon can't sleep. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Cartoon C: Czech-out is at midnight. (Bernie Harris, Woodbridge; Ralph Scott, Washington) Where the bellhops are swaybacked, because everyone carries too much baggage. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The misspelling didn't help Mohel Kafka's business. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Cartoon E: Someone has evidently slipped the doorman a couple of fins. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Stan auditioned for the glee club after he heard they needed a bass. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Canada's Maritime Provinces have their own little-known branch of the Mounties. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Cartoon F: A classic misinterpretation of the use of the word "cursor." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Few people are aware that "www" means Wicked Witch of the West. (Bill Clark, Kensington) "I am a svelte blonde who likes to go to the beach ..." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Hazel wasn't worried about anyone hacking into her computer, because, of course, she used a hexadecimal system. (Bill Erwin, Woodbridge) Cartoon G: Harry went for the new low-priced long-distance company, but only got a can and a string. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It's unwise to buy a Christmas tree on Dec. 24. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) When Bob asked Tom to drop him a line, he had no idea the moron would take him literally. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) A letter bomb with a hair trigger. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Beware of gifts with strings attached. (Jessica L. Mathews, Arlington) Despite being married to Rapunzel for 10 years, Ed still hadn't gotten used to finding a hair in his soup. (John DiFazio, Alexandria) Next Week: Unstated Truths ====================================================================== WEEK 305, published January 17, 1999 Week 305: Ask Backward CMXVI2 The Good, the Bad and the Icky-Doody The Hon. William Rehnquist and Tinky Winky the Teletubby Nipples on Men 1) 2) 3) Congratulations! Its a Goy! Cogito Ergo Something or Other Jupiter, Venus, Mars and Gaithersburg(a picture of the White House, upside down) Confucius, John Donne and that Wascawy Wabbit. A Llama and a Thermometer but not Elizabeth Dole President William Jefferson Hernandez Gold, Frankincense and Chiclets This week's contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more. First-prize winner gets a genuine gas mask from Tel Aviv, still in its cardboard box, donated to the Style Invitational by Sarah Worcester of Bowie, newly married, who wins a seven-pack of disposable men's paper underpants, manufactured in Japan and donated to the Style Invitational by Daniel Foster of Washington, who wins a pack of Twizzlers we just bought from the famed Washington Post commissary and which appears to have been manufactured sometime during the Anschluss. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 305, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 25. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Map No One Consults was written by David Culp of Annandale. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 302, in which we asked you to come up with lines that would never be uttered by a man, a woman, a telemarketer, a poet, a PR person, a Webhead or an 8-year-old. Fourth Runner-Up: Something you'll never hear a woman say: "Were you honking your horn at me because you find me attractive? Perhaps we could have a drink." (Mike Wilson, Montclair, Va.) Third Runner-Up: Something you'll never hear a woman say: "Ewwww. Take that off. It's like having sex with a man who is taking a shower in a raincoat." (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Second Runner-Up: Something you'll never hear a man say: "That thingy in the engine is making a funny chink-a-chunka-chunka noise." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) First Runner-Up: Something you'll never hear a telemarketer say: "Hi! I'm a telemarketer, and ..." (Barry Blyveis, Washington) And the winner of the goose-skin bottle: Something you'll never hear an 8-year-old say: "Nana, will you spit on your hankie and wipe the gravy off my face?" (Beverly Miller, N. Clarendon, Vt.) Honorable Mentions: Things you'll never hear a man say: "I hate my thick ankles." (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville) "Before we get undressed, can we discuss where our relationship is heading?" (Tamara Wexler, Arlington) "Honey, would you recommend a socket wrench or pliers for this job?" (Robin D. Grove, Arlington) "There's nothing on TV but football!" (Ken Huck, Fairfax) "I'm going to the bathroom. Want to come with me?" (Janet M. Hostetler, Canberra, Australia; Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) "I hide my fear of sexual inadequacy through chauvinistic behavior." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Okay, then on the 363 days a year there is no blizzard, what would I need a sport utility vehicle for?" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "I'll start out with 'Hair and Hair Products' for $1,000, Alex." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honey, don't you think that woman over there has a great butt?" (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Find out what other people are wearing." (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville) "I'm a winter." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Things you'll never hear a Webhead say: "Was Captain Kirk the one with the pointy ears?" (David Genser, Arlington) "The Web address is H-T-T-P colon, then that slash mark, then ..." (Paul Styrene, Olney) Things you'll never hear a PR person say: "It's not exactly a lie, but it's so close we probably shouldn't say it." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) "I insist that my name be left off the project. Seeing the campaign succeed is reward enough." (Sandra Hull, Arlington) "Let's go to the tractor pull and vote Republican." (Oh, wait. That would be an NPR person.) (David Genser, Arlington) Things you'll never hear a pro athlete say: "I regret that I spent so much time in college reading Proust that I neglected the German philosophers." (Nancy McWhorter, Columbia, S.C.) "I guarantee we will beat the spread." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "Steve, do these shoulder pads make me look fat?" (David Genser, Arlington) "I cannot accept your fabulously lucrative endorsement deal until I decide whether I like the product." (David Lewis, Springfield) Things you'll never hear a telemarketer say: "Hey, we spent a lot of money buying your name from a list. The least you could do is listen." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "If you don't buy this stuff, the Crips are gonna get me out in the exercise yard." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) "Would you be interested in buying an anti-telemarketing device for your phone?" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Things you'll never hear a poet say: "I want to buy 10,000 shares of Microsoft." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "Unlike the common man, the poet looks upon the world as, well, for want of a better expression, this really big place filled with stuff." (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Things you'll never hear a woman say: "I can't wait to get out of these sweat pants and into a pair of pantyhose." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Would you just grab me a pair of shoes out of the closet, it doesn't matter which." (John Kammer, Herndon) "Honey, I heard a scary thumping noise downstairs. Go back to sleep, I'll check it out." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "I'm a slut." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Hey, your Majesty. Watch me fit this whole grapefruit into my mouth." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "No, I don't remember the time you hurt me deeply." (Don B. Cameron, Golden, Colo.) "I don't have any children, at least none that I know of." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "I weigh exactly one-sixty-seven and a half." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "I find unemployed men really sexy." (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Pull over, I gotta take a leak." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "You know, for a fabulously wealthy guy, you're not so hot in the sack." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Things you'll never hear an 8-year-old say: "You gonna finish that liver and boiled carrots?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "When I grow up, I want to be the Federal Reserve chairman." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "My prostate is bothering me again." (David Kleinbard, Washington) "Isn't it about my bedtime?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "P-O-T-A-T-O-E." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Next Week: Boom Times ====================================================================== WEEK 306, published January 24, 1999 Week 306: Youngian Therapy The Capitol Rotunda: Tuesdays are "Echo Day." It's a scream! Washington Monument: A two-minute elevator ride to the top, a three-second bungee drop down. Ford's Theatre: Balcony paintball tag. The Washington Post: A revised front page. This Week's Contest was suggested by Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax, who wins a wooden fraternity-type butt paddle purchased on the New Jersey Turnpike in 1954. Kevin sent us a ticked-off letter responding to the Week 303 contest, the results of which are published below. It's about baby boomers. Kevin writes that the contest discriminates against young people like him: "Of course Chuck Smith and Elden Carnahan are going to win," Kevin notes respectfully, "because they are old farts." Kevin feels that The Style Invitational is written by, and for, doddering fools. As far as we are concerned, Kevin is a hooligan who ought to be horsewhipped, by cracky. However, we have to admit he may have a point. Not long ago, in a contest involving song titles, some of the winning tunes were not entirely contemporary, such as 'Mairzy Doats.' Anyway, this week's contest is to suggest ways in which The Style Invitational or any other Washington area institution can become more relevant to younger people -- say, to post-boomers. The first-prize winner gets a plastic Latrell Sprewell NBA dashboard doll, donated to the Style Invitational by Charlie Steinhice of Chattanooga. The doll was purchased for $1.99, but we are declaring its value to be $ 32,000. This is because, in the corner of the package, it says in little letters: "Caution: Choking Hazard." Charlie wins a lollipop with a real cricket embedded inside. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 306, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@washpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 1. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Box No One Needs was written by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 303, in which you were asked to come up with old and new concerns for people of the baby boom generation. Fifth Runner-Up -- Then: Paar. Now: AARP. (Ralph Scott, Washington) Fourth Runner-Up -- Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine. Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Third Runner-Up -- Then: Killer weed. Now: Weed killer.(John B. McElhatton, Vienna) Second Runner-Up -- Then: Hoping for a BMW. Now: Hoping for a BM. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) First Runner-Up -- Then: The Grateful Dead. Now: Dr. Kevorkian. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of a fine plastic floral arrangement: Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint. Now: Getting a new hip joint. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: Then: Moving to California because it's cool. Now: Moving to California because it's hot. (Larry Phillips, Falls Church) Then: Being called to the principal's office. Now: Storming into the principal's office. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Then: (The peace symbol) Now: (The Benz symbol) (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Then: O.J., cutting and slashing. Now: O.J., cutting and slashing. (Jim Thelen, W. Nyack, N.Y.) Then: Getting your head stoned. Now: Getting your headstone. (Bella Portillo, Silver Spring) Then: "The Making of the President." Now: The making of the president. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Then: "Going blind." Now: Really going blind. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Then: Long hair. Now: Longing for hair. (Marianne Jemiano, Beltsville) Then: Acid rock. Now: Acid reflux. (Kathy and Brian Hollen, Leesburg; Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville; Bill Hole, Silver Spring) Then: Obsessing over your PSAT scores. Now: Obsessing over your PSA scores. (Marcy Alvo, Annandale) Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party. Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Then: President Johnson. Now: The president's johnson. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville) Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying president. Now: Fighting to keep the lying president. (Jason Zweiback, Livermore, Calif.) Then: The perfect high. Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund. (Steve Krauss, Danbury, Conn.) Then: Elvis in the army. Now: Elvis in a UFO. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Then: Keg. Now: EKG. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Then: Swallowing acid. Now: Swallowing antacid. (Ted Allen, Bethesda; Sandra Hull, Arlington; Stuart McKinnon, Ellicott City) Then: You're growing pot. Now: Your growing pot. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your folks. Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. (Douglas Olson, Laurel) Then: Passing the driving test. Now: Passing the vision test. (Douglas Olson, Laurel) Then: Seeds and stems. Now: Roughage. (Ellen Hill, Kensington) Then: Popping pills, smoking joints. Now: Popping joints. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Then: Whatever ... Now: Depends. (Rebecca Plunkett, San Antonio) Then: "Off the pig." Now: "No bacon, please, I am watching my cholesterol." (Rebecca Plunkett, San Antonio) Then: Ommmm. Now: Um ... (Ralph Scott, Washington) Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel. Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity. (Ralph Scott, Washington) Then: Catching rays. Now: Raising cats. (Paul Whittemore, Gaithersburg) Then: Getting shot down in a U2. Now: Getting shot down on F2. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: Then: Changing the world. Now: Nailing the "And Last" in the Style Invitational. (David Salzman, Chevy Chase) Next Week: Time of The Signs ====================================================================== WEEK 307, published January 31, 1999 Week 307: If You Boycott This Task / You Won't Win the Flask If your husband buys a Jag / He'll soon dump his old bag. Intern in thong / Is wrong, wrong, wrong. If thrift is your sport / Don't shop at the airport. Beware of that internet chick . . . . . . She might be a nerd named Dick This Week's contest was suggested by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a roll of toilet tissue containing excerpts from the Starr Report. Jean was inspired by the old saw: "Leaves in three, don't touch me," a warning against poison ivy. She proposes that you come up with similar rhyming couplets (two lines only, please) to warn us about the perils of modern life. Extra credit awarded for painfully bad rhymes. First-prize winner gets a genuine cow-hoof flask, valued at $25. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 307, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@washpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 8. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Box No One Opens was written by Russ Beland of Springfield. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 304, in which we asked you to come up with inspirational signage to be placed outside local offices or business establishments. But first, a brief digression, occasioned by the need to fill space resulting from an unusually tepid set of entries. This made us think of the world-famous "Cockney Rhyming Slang" contest, the entries to which were so unfunny we dared not print them, resulting in letters of derision and contempt from our readers, many of whom contended that cockney rhyming slang is a useless form of communication without practical application. Well, the other day the auxiliary Czar stumbled upon the word "raspberry" in the dictionary, which has a secondary meaning of a Bronx cheer, or "a sound of derision, contempt, etc., made by expelling air forcibly so as to vibrate the tongue between the lips." We all knew this, of course. But here is where it gets interesting: The dictionary noted that the derivation of "raspberry" as used in this context is the term "raspberry tart," which is taken from the word "fart" through the application of ... cockney rhyming slang! Back to our contest, which was, in cockney rhyming slang, a total piece of bloomin' Brit. Third Runner-Up: The National Security Agency: You Didn't See This Sign.(Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) Second Runner-Up: St. Elizabeths Hospital: Just Because It's Purple Doesn't Mean It's a Squirrel. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Gallaudet University: " " (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) And the winner of a copy of the Sept. 20, 1995, issue of Playboy magazine, in Braille: PETA Headquarters: Don't Let People Put You Down. (David Genser, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: American Psychological Association: Inquire Within. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) D.C. Department of Motor Vehicles: Living Hell is the Best Revenge. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) The Pentagon: Let Us Prey. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Beltone Hearing Aids: Here Today, Hear Tomorrow. (Mike Genz, La Plata) U.S. Supreme Court Dining Hall: Even the Thinnest Pancake Has Two Sides. (Marvin Maizel, Silver Spring) The law office of either Bob or Bill Bennett: I Am Not My Brother's Keeper. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Planned Parenthood: Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) NRA Headquarters: Defending Your Right to Shoot This Sign. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Dachshund Farms of Maryland: Get a Long Little Doggie. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Arlington National Cemetery: We're Looking to Get Dirt on You. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Laurel Race Course: Bet All That You Can Bet. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Midas Muffler: No Noise Is Good Noise. (Mike Genz, La Plata) ASPCA: Please Do Not Litter. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Syms: We Sell Clothes Like They Were Going Out of Style. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) D.C. Public Works Department: Welcome to the Crater D.C. Area. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Washington National Cathedral: We Practice Safe Sects. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Jack Kent Cooke Stadium: If the Will Is Not Strong, a Man Could End Up Without Jack. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Office of the Independent Counsel: If at First You Don't Succeed, Pry, Pry Again. (Robin D. Grove, Arlington) Washington Wizards: When You Think Wizards, Think Community Service. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Washington Post: No Bad Deed Goes Unpublished. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) The Washington Times: Don't Go Through Life Chained to a Post. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Next Week: Ask Backward CMXVI2 ====================================================================== WEEK 308, published February 7, 1999 Week 308: Give Us No Mo Old rhyme: Eenie meenie miney mo Catch a tiger by the toe If he hollers, let him go My mother said to pick the very best one And out goes Y-O-U. New rhyme: Bibbity-bobbity-bet Perverts on the Internet. Sting 'em, bring 'em To their knees And out goes Mis-ter Sleaze. This week's contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a tub of Camo-Off, moistened towelettes to remove camouflage paint. Elden says kids need an updated version of those old children's selecting rhymes so they can have a hipper, more relevant way to mindlessly narrow their options by substituting pure chance for rational, critical thought. (By the way, a friend who grew up on the South Side of Chicago recalls a far better rhyme: "Acka backa soda cracka / Acka backa boo. / Acka backa soda cracka / Out goes Y-O-U.") Your rhyme must (1) rhyme and (2) must conform, at least loosely, to a point-and-shoot cadence that permits the elimination of one item from a group. First-prize winner receives a rare and valuable relic, an "In Gus We Trust" Washington Redskins T-shirt, featuring a likeness of the quarterback who was the glorious future of the franchise for an entire half-season. It is worth $40. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 308, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@washpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 15. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Eye Chart No One Reads was written by Ned Bent of Herndon. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 305, in which we gave you "Jeopardy!" answers and invited you to supply the questions. Two excellent responses were too popular to reward with prizes: Answer: "Jupiter, Venus, Mars and Gaithersburg." Question: "Name four places with almost no atmosphere." And: Answer: "Congratulations! It's a Goy!" Question: "What were the first words spoken by the Three Wise Men upon the birth of Jesus?" Sixth Runner-Up -- Answer: Gold, Frankincense and Chiclets Question: What do you give when you you've given all you can and there just ain't no myrrh? (George Murray, Vienna; Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: Gold, Frankincense and Chiclets Question: What gifts were bestowed upon the King of the Chews?(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Cogito Ergo Something or Other Question: What is the Descartes-Heisenberg principle? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Cogito Ergo Something or Other Question: What is a Cartesian "well?"? (David Genser, Arlington) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Congratulations! It's a Goy! Question: How did the obstetrician break the news to the parents of the hermaphrodite? (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) First Runner-Up -- Answer: A Llama, a Thermometer but not Elizabeth Dole Question: What are some things that can climb with a man sitting on them? (Susan Reese, Arlington) And the winner of the gas mask from Tel Aviv: Answer: (Pic of Upside DowQuestion: What is the only way to get the president's pants back up to his waist? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: Confucius, John Donne, and That Wascawy Wabbit What are three things that Barbara Walters can actually pronounce correctly? (Matt Michalak, Charles Town, W.Va.) Cogito Ergo Something or Other What is another way to say, "I think, therefore I am, I think." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What is the subtitle of the book "Rene Descartes: The Early Years"? (Dave Pickering, Bowie) Jupiter, Saturn, Mars and Gaithersburg What are four places where real estate values are not likely to go up until teleportation is invented? (Mike Genz, La Plata) What are three places with gravitational pulls and one place with tractor pulls? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Name four places where they seldom discuss Monet. (Bill Crandell, Silver Spring) What final list of possible sites implies that Gaithersburg bribed organizers of the 2008 Olympic Games? (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Congratulations! It's a Goy! What is a potentially actionable slip of the tongue in a Tel Aviv hospital? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) With what words did Ken Starr notify Monica Lewinsky of the results of the DNA test on her dress? (Joseph Romm, Washington) What would be a clever graphic representation of the White House not appreciating the gravity of the situation? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 1) 2) 3) Who do the Bulls have lined up to replace Michael Jordan? (Nancy McWhorter, Washington) What has more counts, but less substance, than the impeachment charges? (Russ Beland, Springfield) What is: 4) None of the above? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) What does Monica's dance card look like lately? (Amy Smitherman, McGaheysville) Nipples on Men What product name did not work out and was changed to Raisinets? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) In the Fire Island production of "The Sound of Music," what lyrics replaced "whiskers on kittens"? (Sandra Hull, Arlington) What did women get after asking God for help with the kids? (Kelly Price, Severn) What is sexier than nipples on a hagfish, but just barely? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) What would be a bad title for a newspaper column about men, by staff writer Al Nipples? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What are never, ever described as "perky"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What is right on the tip of my tongue? Oh, wait, sorry, That's the answer for Cogito Ergo Something or Other. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What is the proof that God is a woman, and she has a sense of humor? (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Gold, Frankincense and Chiclets What were the gifts brought by the Two Wise Men and the Idiot? (Jim Sample, Alexandria) What are the ingredients of gum arabic? (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Name three items found in the glove compartment of the Popemobile? (Michael Jahr, Washington) How did Matt Drudge report the Wise Men's gifts? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A llama, a thermometer, but not Elizabeth Dole What items do you need to obtain the rectal temperature of a llama? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Name two things associated with warmth. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) President William Jefferson Hernandez Who failed to discover the Fountain of Truth? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Next Week: Youngian Therapy ====================================================================== WEEK 309, published February 14, 1999 Week 309: A Stinking Pile of Theses It would be fatuous, if not intellectually dishonest, to allude to moral relativism, either real or perceived, in deconstructing the paradigm at hand; yet this shallow observation in no way suggests that my thesis, however labored and drowned in verbosity, is merely a vehicle to fill space at the expense of true scholarship. This, indeed, is worthy of repeating: It would be fatuous, if not intellectually dishonest . . . This week's contest was proposed by Evan Golub of Beltsville, who wins a lobster-claw harmonica. Evan is a PhD candidate at the University of Maryland. He will be defending his dissertation in April. It is on "empirical studies of constructive and non-constructive sorting algorithms." Evan wanted us to suggest a cartoon for his title page, but we had a better idea: Write an all-purpose first line or paragraph for any doctoral dissertation, designed to impress the heck out of academics. First-prize winner receives a genuine hot pink Princess rotary telephone, circa 1967. This has a value of $75. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational nipple ring. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 309, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@washpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb 22. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Prize No One Prizes was written by Andy Wexler of Washington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 306, in which we asked you to come up with ways to make various Washington institutions more youth-friendly. There were 3,000 entries, and many were excellent. We had plenty of splendid choices, but found ourselves bound, as always, by our pledge to reward the best humor, and only the best humor, without regard to gender, demographics or any artificial requirement for "diversity." The Style Invitational is, and shall forever remain, the last pure meritocracy on Earth. And so: Fourth Runner-Up -- The Roosevelt Memorial: Stop focusing on all the downers, like the Depression and wheelchairs, and emphasize all the cool stuff he did, like charging up San Juan Hill and going on safaris. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Third Runner-Up -- Old: Cherry Blossom Festival. New: Cherry Bomb Festival.(Russ Beland, Springfield; Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Second Runner-Up -- The National Zoo: Make it more exciting by placing predators and prey in the same enclosures. (Russ Beland, Springfield; Meg Sullivan, Potomac) First Runner-Up -- Presidential inaugurations: Replace the boring old oath with a simple declaration from the Chief Justice: "You da man." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) And the winner of the plastic Latrell Sprewell NBA dashboard doll: The Lincoln Memorial: Lose the spooky old dude in the chair. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Honorable Mentions: Civil War reenactments: Live ammo. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The C&O Canal: The C&O Log Flume Ride. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Tomb of the Unknowns: Guards wear their hats backward. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) U.S. Senate: Get Jesse Helms (R-N.C.) to change his name to Rapmaster J.J. Booty (R-N.C.). (David Genser, Arlington) The Metro: We should rename the most dangerous escalators to make them more fun, e.g. The Teeth of Death and The Emasculator. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The House of Representatives: With each ticket, five free water balloons. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Metro buses: Equip the fenders with handles for the convenience of Rollerbladers. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg; Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) The Mall: Add a Gap and Old Navy. Make it a real mall. (Janet Arrowsmith-Love, Ruidoso, N.M.) TV News: Have Gordon Peterson update his language. Instead of reporting that a person was murdered, for example, he could say, "Someone put a cap in his butt." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Supreme Court: Change the ancient, creaky, outdated call to order, "Oyez, oyez," to " 'Sup, yo." (John Holder, Rock Hill, S.C.) National Symphony Orchestra: Mosh pit. At the end of each performance, Leonard Slatkin body-surfs into the crowd. (David Genser, Arlington) The Defense Department: Renamed the Department of Mortal Kombat. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Appoint Dr. Dre as surgeon general. (Robin D. Grove, Arlington) Equip the Supreme Court gallery with audience-response yes-no toggle switches. The chief justice announces each ruling with the phrase "Survey says ... !" (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg; Robert Oerter, Riverdale) Congress: For committee chairmanships and such, institute a "juniority" system. (Ginger Howard, Washington) Natural History Museum: Stand up beer cans for the pendulum to knock over. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) State of the Union Address: Have it delivered by the Dancing Baby. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Better promotion for The National Archives: "The National Archives -- Where the X-Files Are Hidden." (Michael G. Aceto, Herndon) State dinners: Instead of domestic wines, the official beverage will be Sex on the Beach. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Chess in Lafayette Square: When a player advances a pawn all the way across the board, he gets an extra life. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Rename the Old Ebbitt Grill the Young Ebbitt Grill. (Nancy McWhorter, Columbia, S.C.) Change the name of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts to the John F. Kennedy Jr. Center for the Performing Arts. (Scott and Anne McKenzie, Mechanicsville) Change the name of the National Symphony Orchestra to "2 Daddy2 With the P Street Posse." (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) The Eternal Flame: a cigar bar. (Edgar Mendez Chacon, Alexandria) Bill of Rights rewritten in Letterman Top 10 format. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Metro cars: Eliminate floors. Riders must dangle from the ceiling rails, turning every commute into Xtreme Flirtation With Death. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) The Supreme Court: Decisions will now be rendered as "cool" or "lame." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And last: Oval office: No changes. It is youth-friendly already. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Next Week: If You Boycott This Task / You Won't Win the Flask ====================================================================== WEEK 310, published February 21, 1999 Week 310: It's Like This The wind was howling like the wind. He seemed oddly surly, like someone saying "Shirley" in that joke where they say, "Don't call me Surely." That statement was as insensitive as a quadriplegic. He was uncomfortably warm, like when you sit in a chair right after someone fat gets up. This Week's Contest is to come up with really lame analogies; if these results are good enough, they will be pirated by the same pinheaded, thieving thugs who steal things from talented people and put them on the Internet without attribution. Nothing has been more foully pirated than the Style Invitational bad-analogy contest we ran several years ago, the spectacularly funny results of which appear, routinely, in newspapers and magazines as real examples of bad writing submitted to high school English classes. So we are doing it again, with the following caveat. Attention Dimwitted Internet Thieves Without the Originality or Intelligence to Think of Anything Clever Yourselves: The results of this contest are the sole property of The Washington Post. Any reproduction, re-transmission or other account of the results of this contest, without the express written consent of The Washington Post, will result in our finding you and publicly exposing you for the little soulless wheezebags you are. Thank you for your attention to this matter. First-prize winner gets a vacuum-sealed package of "Smorked Beef Rectum," a fine food product from Japan. The Mayor of Washington, an expert in finance, declares this a value of $1,600. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 310, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@washpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 8. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Disclaimer No One Needs was written by Jonathan M. Kaye of Washington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 307, in which we asked you to come up with modern, rhyming two-line cautionary couplets, in the style of "Red sky at morning / Sailors take warning" or "Leaves of three / Don't touch me." Third Runner-Up: The food won't be no haute cuisine If the waitress says, "Hi! I'm Lurleen."(David Genser, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: An unsteady moyl Will turn your boy into a goyl. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Your intern'll Keep a journal. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) And the winner of the genuine cow hoof flask: Any further White House shenanigan Must not involve the presidential bananigan. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: Leaves of five That's good stuff, man. (John Kammer, Herndon) A minor? Decline her. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Rule by a lecherous knucklehead? Better a country a eunuch'll head. (Ernest Lent, Washington) If it's mooing Skip the wooing. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Is a colleague pregnant and starting to show? Don't ask, fellas, unless you know. (David Genser, Arlington) Till you've seen McMahon with your own eyes You have not won the Grand Prize. (Mike Genz, La Plata) If you can't do the time Don't shoot the mime. (David Genser, Arlington) Canoe at Great Falls, Rupture your spleen. (John Cushing, Washington) Forgive and forget is strictly for schmucks. Hire a lawyer and rake in the bucks. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) It's best to avoid words like "niggardly" That haven't been used since Grant out-triggered Lee. (B.P. Greenmont, Alexandria) Listen, bozo, don't peek at her arse Now, there's a statement you don't need to parse. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville) Stain on the dress? You gotta confess. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) If the Chesapeake's near ya Beware of pfiesteria. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) President shouldn't be Monica's lover. One good intern deserves another. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Nothing that great Is mailed at bulk rate. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) When senators say they're being cautious Wear your galoshes. (Tony Whitmore, Keyser, W.Va.) Marlene's done mourning Sailors take warning. (Sandra Hull, Alexandria) If you cover pass patterns, Better pass on the slatterns. (Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.) Oral Is not immoral. (Bill Clinton, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) You will watch "Teletubbies." You will watch "Teletubbies." (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) And Last: If the president's a satyr It doesn't really matyr. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Next Week: Give Us No Mo ====================================================================== WEEK 311, published February 28, 1999 Week 311: A Jerry-Built Contest The sheath covering the Washington Monument is a flagrant endorsement of birth control, which, in turn, delivers the subtle message that sex is sport, further eroding family values. What does an American child think when he sees a talking Chihuahua? His dog can't talk. The message is clear, and subversive: Mexicans are better. Dagwood eats like a pig and never gains an ounce. What is the message to America's youth? Eat. Then they get fat and lazy, ripe for takeover by lean Asian Communists. This week's contest was suggested by Jerry Falwell, who wins "Love Ewe," an inflatable sheep. Jerry inspired the idea for this contest recently when he informed America that he had discovered that Tinky Winky the Teletubby is gay. It occurred to us that we should help Jerry find other cleverly disguised threats to public morality or hallowed American values that may be secretly lurking out there in our culture. Make sure you explain your choice. First-prize winner gets a giant full-body clown costume featuring a rubber head that looks like Clarabelle on a crack frenzy. It is worth $50. It was donated to The Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a package of edible napkins made out of potatoes ("Shock your guests by eating the napkin!"). First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 311, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@washpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 8. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Hole No One Fills was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 308, in which you were asked to come up with modern selecting rhymes to replace the old "eenie meenie miney mo." But first, a reply to Ginny Sprinkle of Annandale, who writes to complain that the best entries are frequently hidden among the runners-up. "Who selects the winners," asks Ginny, "a chimpanzee?" No, Ginny. The chimp writes the headlines. The winners are selected by the horse. Seriously, Ginny, the Czar utilizes humor criteria that are beyond the grasp of ordinary persons. He would no sooner attempt to explain this process to the common reader than Stephen Hawking would attempt to explain the concept of antimatter propulsion to a jelly sandwich. First, it would be pointless, and second, it would be patronizing and cruel. The Czar would no more do that than, say, make fun of someone's name. Back to Week 308. This was a tough contest. Many people were confused. They submitted nursery rhymes. They submitted sonnets. They submitted cheerleader chants. The best of these was sent in by Greg Arnold of Herndon, who says this is a popular ditty at Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology. NaCl, H20 Beta, zeta, theta, rho. Cube root, square root, tangent, sine Three point one four one five nine. Newton-meters, kilo-joules Bits per pixel, TJ rules!(Greg submitted this without any sense of shame, which is fine with us, Greg. We must be proud of who we are.) Below, the winners. As always with contests requiring rhymes, we occasionally took a free hand with the editing pencil. Fourth Runner-Up: Sara has a PC, Charlie has a Mac Sara visits chat rooms, Charlie loves to hack Sara likes to e-trade, Charlie likes eBay Which one's gonna crash in Y - 2 - Kay! (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Third Runner-Up: See the supermodel strut Got no bosom, got no butt. Ate a Tic-Tac? No, no, no! Off the catwalk, out ... you ... Go! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Rise and shine and greet the day Start it off the healthy way Food is what your tummy begs Juice of orange, scrambled eggs Dry, bland things we hate the most We chuck you out, 'cause you ... are ...Toast. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) First Runner-Up: Uno, dos, tres You, get outta ... my ... face. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the "In Gus We Trust" T-shirt: Graham, Rogan, Hutchinson, Hyde Couldn't prove that Clinton lied. Couldn't prove he was a cheat. Who's the first to lose ... his ... seat. (David Genser, Arlington) Honorable Mentions Tinky, Dipsy, La-La, Po, Baby loves to watch your show. Mommy, Daddy up do throw Tinky, Dipsy, La-La ... Go! (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) One potatoe, two potatoe, three potatoe, infinity JFK's a friend of mine and you're no Jack Kinnity. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick And Jack knew how to spell a lick Spelling's vital, don't you see? Y-O-U L-O-S-E! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Salt Lake City, bid committee, I-O-C. You want the games but my vote ain't free. Don't bother to shout what your city's about Slip me a mil or you ... are ... out. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Poke each other in the eye Make me laugh until I cry Drop an anvil on your toe, Larry, Curly, Shemp and Moe. Why, you ... (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Tinky Winky Tee-hee-hee You are O-U-T-E-D (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Next Week: A Stinking Pile of Theses ====================================================================== WEEK 312, published March 7, 1999 Week 312: Books and Books "Huckleberry Faust": This book brings together, for the first time in publishing history, Twain's beloved "sivilized" boy and Goethe's spirit of eternal negation. Together, Huck, Jim and Mephistopheles make an unbeatable team, as they pull off some of the most outrageous pranks, such as the transformation of Aunt Sally into a poodle . . . "Moby Richard": This book combines Melville's great novel about man against nature with Ben Franklin's famous compilations of witty, homespun sayings: "Early to bed / wake to harpoon / makes a man / a legless loon." "Curious George's Naked Lunch": H.A. Rey's delightful tale of an inquisitive chimp as only Wm. S. Burroughs could interpret it: The story of a monkey with a monkey on its back. This Week's Contest was inspired by Amherst professors Lawrence Douglas and Alexander George, who have written a splendid article in this week's Chronicle of Higher Education, proposing literary mergers (including the "Huckleberry Faust" example above). Your challenge: Combine any two works of literature -- no movies or TV -- into one, give its title and describe it in a brief, appealing blurb that might appear in Publishers Weekly. First-prize winner gets the fabulous Dancing Critter, a foot-high windup toy that looks like a spastic daddy longlegs; it was donated to The Style Invitational by Jennifer Hart of Arlington, who wins NunZilla, a walking, angry, ruler-toting windup nun donated to The Style Invitational by Tamara Jones of Reston, who wins a package of squirting gum donated to The Style Invitational by Jennifer Hart of Arlington, who wins a second published mention of her name, which is good for an extra credit in the Style Invitational yearly rankings, which are compiled not by us but by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who also wins a mention of his name, and no, believe us, you don't want any further details. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 312, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 15. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Correction No One Reads was written by Don Cooper of Fairfax. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 309, in which you were asked to come up with the first line of a doctoral thesis guaranteed to make the scholars' committee sit up and pay attention. Many people had the requisite adjectival obscurantism down pat: "iconic," "totemic," "heuristic," "teleological," "ontological," "archetypal," "chthonic," "hermeneutic," etc. However, only a dozen or so found a way to elevate the truly boring into the truly unignorable: Third Runner-Up: My thesis is an exploration of the most effective way to deploy the $2 billion trust fund my father left me to distribute to institutions of higher learning.(Bob Griffin, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Here1 is2 my3 dissertation4. You5 may6 wish7 to8 award9 it10 now11 without12 having13 to14 read15 all16 these17 footnotes18. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) First Runner-Up: In the interests of the Republic, my research on the shocking ease with which anyone, using common office products and ordinary household tools, can counterfeit American currency undetectably has compelled me to request that after the awarding of my doctoral degree I and the members of this committee agree to destroy all copies of my work and never refer to it again. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) And the winner of the genuine hot pink Princess rotary telephone: In order to purge all traces of misogyny and phallocentrism from this project, I have castrated myself . . . . (David Genser, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: The bedrock beneath all academic institutions is the glorious system of professorial tenure. Our university has, to its great credit, used this to build a faculty made up exclusively of scholars of the very highest order, from which it may, judiciously, skim the cream into its doctoral committees. But I digress . . . . (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Can a mathematical model predict stock prices so accurately that one would never have to work again? You bet it can, you pasty-faced academic weenies. (David Genser, Arlington) Let me first note that, because of the increasing incidence of illicit copying of "canned" dissertation material from the Internet, I want to assure you that the following thesis on the comparison of [enter famous person here] Milton with [enter second famous person here] Faust is entirely authentic, original and solely the product of my research at [enter library or research facility] Oxford from [enter years of study] 1996 to 1998. (Robin D. Grove, Arlington) Granted, "My Father, The Mafia Don" doesn't sound like a thesis title, but I feel if you read these lines carefully -- backwards and forwards, even between them -- you will see the wisdom of . . . . (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) The ideas in this paper are so complex and involved that any attempt to express them in a traditional language is doomed to failure. Accordingly, I have created my own special language that will greatly facilitate discourse and I shall henceforth use it exclusively. Krkk orfgh mn ieep kkrit! Tqr sii . . . . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) I would have finished this thesis earlier, but my chemotherapy slowed my fieldwork. (David Genser, Arlington) E is not equal to MC2, so . . . . (Hari Suryanarayanan, Silver Spring; Sandra Hull, Arlington) Like eunuchs without lutes, mere words, standing alone, are freeloaders in the court of scholarship. But in the same way that luteless eunuchs can link their arms and dance, thereby giving meaningful expression to an aggregate idea, or theme, words can be linked together to form sentences, and those sentences, paragraphs. It is in just such paragraphs that the salient arguments of this dissertation may, in time, be discovered. (David Ronka, Charlottesville) The thesis of this work can be summarized by noting that whatever that really smart dead German guy said goes double for me. (Russell Beland, Springfield) I propose to answer the question asked by many, considered by few, and answered by none: What does God look like? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) And last: The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. They have greatly increased the life expectancy of those of us who live in "advanced" countries, but they have destabilized society, have made life unfulfilling, have subjected human beings to indignities, have led to widespread psychological suffering and have inflicted severe damage on the natural world. The continued development of technology will probably lead to greater social disruption and psychological suffering.1 (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) 1 Prof. Theodore Kaczynski, The Washington Post, 9/19/95 Next Week: It's Like This ====================================================================== WEEK 313, published March 14, 1999 Week 313: The Style Invitational Souvenir Shop Permanently Mine (de-engravers remove serial numbers While-U-Wait. Special at-curb service, too!) She Sells C-Cells (Batteries, batteries, batteries. Sorry, only size C.) All Things Moist Everything's $783 Blood Pressure Central The Egg Noggery (Your favorite beverage all year round!) Bunions Begone This Week's contest was suggested by Rick DeLisi of Sterling and Jean Sorensen of Herndon. Rick wins a packet of Foaming Sugar ("creates an eruption of foam in your coffee cup") and Jean wins a can opener from Knott's Berry Farm, Fla., encrusted with jewels that sort of look like a pearl and a sapphire, the way a pygmy goat sort of looks like Secretariat. Rick and Jean suggest that you come up with bad names for a new store at a mall. (You may explain it if necessary.) First-prize winner gets four genuine coffee mugs celebrating armed authority: the Fairfax County Police, the USS Louisville, the Milwaukee County sheriff and something called "Encapsulated Harpoon / Relentless Pursuit" featuring a drawing of a nuclear torpedo breaking the water, presumably en route to some foreign capital populated with Godless people different from us. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 313, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 22. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Box No One Opens was written by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 310, in which you were asked to come up with lame analogies. The line separating painfully bad analogies from weirdly good ones is as thin as a soup made from the shadow of a chicken that was starved to death by Abraham Lincoln. And so we had to create a separate category to honor those entries that came too close to actual literature to qualify as "bad." Here they are: He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) / Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) / The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) / Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) / He regarded death with hesitant dread, as if he were a commedia dell'arte troupe and death was an audience of pipe-fitters. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) / The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) Now, back to the gloriously bad analogies. Sixth Runner-Up: The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) Fifth Runner-Up: "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg) Fourth Runner-Up: He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. (John Kammer, Herndon) Third-Runner-Up: Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park) Second Runner-Up: She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. (Susan Reese, Arlington) First Runner-Up: It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington) And the winner of the Smorked Beef Rectum: The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. (J.F. Knowles, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. (Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse) The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium. (Ralph Scott, Washington) It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist. (Greg Dobbins, Arlington) He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose. (Russ Beland, Springfield) The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object. (Nanci Phillips Sharp, Gaithersburg) You know how in "Rocky" he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in. (Alan S. Jarvis, Fredericksburg) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (Susan Reese, Arlington) She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any PH cleanser. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Outside the little snow-covered cabin, a large pile of firewood was stacked like Pamela Anderson. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) A branch fell from the tree like a trunk falling off an elephant. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) The painting was very Escher-like, as if Escher had painted an exact copy of an Escher painting. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often. (Jim Seibert, Falls Church) They were as good friends as the people on "Friends." (Katie Buckner, McLean) Her breasts were like two mounds of flesh waiting to be compared to something. Something round. Perhaps some kind of citrus fruit. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light. (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park) The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And Last: Joe was frustrated, like a man who thought his claim to fame was occasional appearances in a weekly humor contest, but in fact is known to millions as a stupid high school student who writes unintentionally humorous bad analogies. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Next Week: A Jerry-Built Contest ====================================================================== WEEK 314, published March 21, 1999 Week 314: It's the List You Can Do Albert Gore / Albacore / Canned Fish / Can't Finish / Won't Win. Cal / Cool / Cold / Old. Newt / Nude / Nerd / Wuss / Whoosh / Blow Hard / Blowhard. John Donne / Don Juan / Stud / Board / Bore. Oprah / Okra / Orca / Whale This week's contest was suggested by Dan Burgess of Gaithersburg, who wins a pair of Groucho glasses. Start with the name of a famous person, living or dead, real or fictional, either the full or partial name. Progress through a series of other names or phrases. Each name or phrase must be related to the prior item either by being a homophone (sounds like it, at least pretty closely) or a definition (again, at least close). Eventually, arrive at a name or a phrase that is an appropriate pairing with the original name, as in the examples above. Your list may be as long or as short as you wish. Yes, this is hard. But it is addictive. First-prize winner gets an ashtray from Graceland, featuring a pink Cadillac. It is worth $20. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 314, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 29. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by Jennifer Hart of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 311, in which we asked you to help the fearless outer of Tinky Winky, Jerry Falwell, identify and expose other threats to public morality hidden in our popular culture. But first, an important message. This week, The Style Invitational begins a new feature: Rookie of the Week, in which we publish the best entry by someone whose name appears in the contest for the first time. This idea was gently suggested to us by The Philosopher, the new editor of the Sunday Style section. The Philosopher speaks only in questions. Reluctant as he was to criticize the Czar, a giant of American journalism with an undeserved reputation for petty vengeance, The Philosopher politely inquired whether this feature could use some new blood. Fair enough. The Philosopher wins a new necktie, because we politely contend he could use one, inasmuch as he seems to have worn the same tie, with the same morbid stain, every day for the eight weeks he has been here. Anyway, in future entries, if you have never before been published in The Style Invitational, let us know. (And yes, we will check.) Now, back to new threats to public morality that Jerry Falwell should jump right on. Fourth Runner-Up: The American flag is homosexual. What are the predominant colors? Red, white and blue. If you combine red with white you get pink. If you combine red with blue you get purple. Both of these are notorious "gay" colors. And what is a star but a combination of triangles? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Third Runner-Up: Antibiotics are a tool of the liberal elite to promote carnal lifestyles. They encourage sexual promiscuity by curing venereal disease. (David Genser, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Barney promotes drug use. "Barney the Dinosaur" is an anagram for "Try heroin, and abuse." (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Humpty Dumpty discourages lasting, loving relationships and therefore destroys family values. What do I mean? First, ask yourself what "Humpty" "Dumpty" means. I'll tell you what it means. Love 'em and leave 'em. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) And the winner of the full-body clown costume: Jerry Falwell is insidiously sending America a subliminal message promoting atheism. His very presence suggests that all those who believe in God are narrow-minded, Bible-thumping, sanctimonious bigots. What a diabolical plan!(Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: The candy bars Almond Joy and Mounds should be removed from the store shelves immediately because of the blatant sexuality of these bars (Almond Joy has nuts, and Mounds -- quite obviously -- do not). To use this distinction as part of the ad campaign is doubly egregious. (John Kammer, Herndon) Sperm whales. Kill them all. Or change the name. It'd probably be easier to kill them all, though, what with the books, etc. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Ever notice how rainbows sometimes appear in the sky? God is gay. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) McDonald's golden arches are an enormous illuminated representation of a pair of buttocks. This is telling our youth that pornography is good. (Joe Ponessa, Philadelphia) Y2K is an anagram for 2KY, which encourages fornication that requires lubricants, and we know what that means. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Bases in baseball should be eliminated completely due to the obvious connotation with sexual achievement during dating. (I am particularly offended by second and third base.) I suggest replacing "base" with "psalm." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) No more Wednesday, a k a "Hump" day. Go straight from Tuesday to Thursday. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Star 69 is a subliminal way of encouraging people to spend their money on phone sex. (Kerry S. Humphrey, Springfield) Cheetos encourage marital infidelity. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Smokey Bear promotes godlessness. When he says "Only you can prevent forest fires," he denies the existence of the Almighty. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) We should outlaw sailing, because of its association with "sale," which leads us right to the mall, then on to Hecht's, which rhymes with sex. So no more sailing. Kayaking is fine, though. For now. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Otto, Sarge's dog in the comic strip "Beetle Bailey," wears a full Army uniform. The message could not be clearer. It is aimed overseas: The U.S. is hopelessly unprepared for full-scale battle, because it is reduced to conscripting dogs for its infantry. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Uncle Sam. He is your uncle. He wants you. 'Nuff said. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Alpha-Bits must be removed from the shelves at once. The letters left floating in a bowl of cereal might spell out a dirty word, or, like, "gay" or something. (Gloria Behrens, Alexandria) Rookie of the Week: The Smurfs' beloved song goes la la la la la la la la la la la. But play it backward and it clearly states al al al al al al al al al al al. This is a flagrant liberal political message, aimed at the 2000 election. (Jennifer Pratt, Arlington) Next Week: Books And Books ====================================================================== WEEK 315, published March 28, 1999 Week 315: Fermenting Trouble Roqueforts, Camemberts and Bries Take these words, my friend, and heed 'em. A paradise on Earth is cheese A veritable Garden of Edam. This week's contest was suggested by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park, who wins a hardback copy of the Arkansas state constitution. Jonathan was reading George Will's March 4 column, which began thus: "'Poets,' noted G.K. Chesterton, 'have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese." Will went on to make some snotty, sophisticated point about something or other, but Jonathan never got that far. He thought: Maybe it's time for a little cheese poetry. We agree. Your job is to write a rhyming poem like the one above -- eight lines maximum -- on the subject of cheese, or any of these items: Bellybuttons, The Lint Trap in a Dryer, Nyquil, or United States Trade Representative Charlene Barshefsky. Any rhyme scheme is acceptable. First-prize winner gets a genuine antique pewter ashtray from the administration of William Donald Schaefer as mayor of Baltimore. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 315, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 5. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Very Next Sentence No One Gets To was written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes; employees of USA Today and the Wall Street Journal, oddly, are. Report from Week 312, in which we asked you to combine the works of two authors and provide a suitable blurb. But first, a little housekeeping. We have received numerous reports that the First Runner-Up published two weeks ago ("It came down the stairs looking like something no one had ever seen before") was borrowed from James Thurber. We checked. It was. We are certain this was entirely coincidental, that the entrant thought of it all by herself, and that she is, in fact, a world-class humorist who is going to go on to enjoy a multi-million-dollar career as an author, satirist and lecturer. Back to the books. The overall winner is also the Rookie of the Week: Second Runner-Up: "Machiavelli's The Little Prince" -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.) First Runner-Up: "Green Eggs and Hamlet" -- Would you kill him in his bed? / Thrust a dagger through his head? / I would not, could not, kill the King. / I could not do that evil thing. / I would not wed this girl, you see. / Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington) And the Winner of the Dancing Critter: "Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" -- An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke) Honorable Mentions: "2001: A Space Iliad" -- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.(Joseph Romm, Washington) "Curious Georgefather" -- The monkey finally sticks his nose where it don't belong. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "The Hunchback Also Rises" -- Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good news ... (John Verba, Washington) "The Maltese Faulkner" -- Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton) "The Silence of the Hams" -- In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) "Portnoy's Choice": A man is forced to choose between his right and left hand. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Jane Eyre Jordan": Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship. (Dave Pickering, Bowie) "Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby" -- Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in it. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) "Catch-22 in the Rye" -- Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "Tarzan of the Grapes" -- The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are saved by a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to grapevine. (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Where's Walden?" -- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) "Looking for Mr. Godot" -- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a looong wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi" -- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia. (David Laughton, Washington) "As I Lay Winesburg, Ohio" -- William Faulkner and Sherwood Anderson tell the unforgettable story of one man's ambitious quest to nail every woman in his home town. (Grady Norris, New Bern, N.C.) Next Week: The Style Invitational Souvenir Shop ====================================================================== WEEK 316, published April 4, 1999 Week 316: Calling the Toon This Week's Contest: What are these things? Choose one or more. First-prize winner receives a Magic Pillow made in China. ("The Pillow of Calming the Nerves and Benefiting Brain.") It is worth $30. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 316, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 11. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ad No One Reads was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 313, in which we asked you to come up with bad concepts for a new store in a mall. Many of you came up with funny names for ordinary stores. The best of these were "Turn Your Head and Coif" hair cuttery, by Jean Sorensen of Herndon; an exercise club named Kathie Lee's Sweatshop, by Fred Blake of Oakton; and You Look Fat Bluejeans, by David Kleinbard of Washington. Alas, these win nothing. One great entry that was too popular to reward with a prize: The Nosehair Cuttery. Fourth Runner-Up: Big Al's Mammograms (Russell Beland, Springfield) Third Runner-Up: Planet Gaithersburg (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: Darlene's Butcher Knife and Inflatable Chair Depot (Beth Biniszewski, Columbia) First Runner-Up: Horsemeat Julius (Rick Kaplar, Herndon) And the winner of the police/military coffee mugs: The Caveat Emptorium -- Specializing in defective and recalled merchandise(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Honorable Mentions: The Hair Butchery (Ernie Isenstadt, McLean; John Verba, Washington) Toner! Toner! Toner! (Wei-Hwa Huang, Los Angeles) House of Questionable Mushrooms (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Family Porn Center (Mike Long, Burke) SchnozCrafters -- Affordable Nose Jobs in About an Hour (Nanci Johnson, Manassas) Victoria's Really Big Secret -- Sexy clothes for fat women (Dana Hogan, Centreville) Queen Victoria's Secret -- Corsets, corsets, corsets (Joseph Romm, Washington) So You Want to Play Rugby (Joseph Romm, Washington) Out, Out, Damn Spot! Pet Euthanasia Clinic (Mark D. Alves, Falls Church) CinnaFish (Bradford R. Poston, Washington) The Colostomy Baggery (Ken Rochester, Centreville) The Out House -- T-Shirts and Novelties for the Openly Gay (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Get Your Ass in Here Donkey Retailers (Richard Davis, Arlington) Laura Ashley Backhoes (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Chia Petting Zoo (Trevor Uhl, New York) The Clean Needle Boutique (Russ Beland, Springfield) New Teeth for About a Buck (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Rookie of the Week: Signs Made While-U-Wiat (Wei-Hwa Huang, Los Angeles) And Last: Beef Rectums R Us (Judy Katz, Gaithersburg) Next Week: It's The List You Can Do ====================================================================== WEEK 317, published April 11, 1999 Week 317: Pick Us a Winner A contest to come up with a new name for backward somersaults. Winner: Winterpeppers A contest to come up with a name for a new exercise machine that rubs out fat behinds. Winner: The Ass-assin A contest to come up with a suitable stage name for a fat female vocalist who sings only to cello accompaniment. Winner: Mama Yo A contest to come up with an obvious yet appropriate nickname for Slobodan Milosevic: Winner: "Slob." This week's contest was suggested by Richard C. Henry of Colesville, who wins a package of Australian kangaroo jerky. Richard hypothesizes (correctly) that The Czar must constantly reject certain contest ideas because he realizes there will be only one good entry, and everything else would pale by comparison, as in the examples above. Your challenge is to come up with similarly flawed contest ideas, and the single, obvious, too-good-to-beat entry. First-prize winner gets one of the greatest prizes ever, a plastic-wrapped, unopened vintage four-color cardboard 1950s souvenir from Ausable Chasm, N.Y. It is intended to be hung on the door of a bathroom or outhouse. By positioning a spinning pointer appropriately, one can alert the next user to the condition of the air within. ("Enter at your own risk," etc.) Attached is a leatherbound register in which visitors can leave their names. Curiously, this item carries the title: "Chick Sales Barometer." We have yet to decipher the meaning of this, and welcome any pertinent information. This item is worth $100. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 317, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 19. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Promo No One Needs was written by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 314, in which you were asked to take a name and create a progression of names, words or phrases leading to a final, appropriate name. Each item in the progression must be either a definition of, or a homophone of, the previous item. Fully four-fifths of the 3,000 entries were eliminated because they did not follow the rules: You tried to create linkages merely by simple associations ("JFK" cannot be followed by "Marilyn Monroe") and you interpreted homophones wayyyy too liberally (Sorry, but "Roberto Benigni" is not remotely a homophone for "Nadia Comenici"). For the purposes of this contest, homophones must really sound alike, with just minor variations in inflection, or the substitution of a single consonant; ideally, they should evidence some spirit of linguistic adventure. We are getting very specific here because we are going to do this contest again, and want you forewarned. Also, because there weren't all that many good entries, and we need to fill space. Fourth Runner-Up: Seinfeld / series / Ceres / cereal / wheat / farm oats / farm oafs / bumpkins / bupkis / nothing. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Elia Kazan / Oscar winner / Oscar Mayer wiener / schnitzel / snitch.(L. Rosa, Miami) Second Runner-Up: Milstein / millstone / weight / wait / wait / wait / wait / bide / bite / chomp / chump. (Dave Pickering, Bowie; Peter J. Hughes, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: Stallone / Sly Stone / nostalgia novelty / yo-yo / "Yo." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) And the winner of the William Donald Schaefer plate: Monica / monocle / ridiculous spectacle. (Elisa Nichols, Kensington) Honorable Mentions: Larry King / marry king / queen / gay / cheery / weary / sick of it / sycophant. (Jim Thelen, W. Nyack, N.Y.) Stephanopoulos / Snuffleuppagus / imaginary friend. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington; Jim Thelen, W. Nyack, N.Y.; Oliver Turner, Middleburg) Tinky Winky / gay character / DeGeneres / generous / charitable / good / all well / Falwell. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Roberto Benigni / rob Autobahn mini / grab German Acura / stab German actor / Harm Oskar Werner / Ham Oscar winner. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Dole / pineapple producer / Hawaii / honeymoon destination / Niagara / Viagra. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Monica / mistress / mistrust / deceit / de-seat / impeach. (Kelli Midgely-Biggs, Columbia) Elia Kazan / Oscar winner / Unforgiven. (David Genser, Arlington) Herve / heavy / levy / tax / strain / strand / maroon / moron / idiot / idjit / midget. (Mike Elliott, Oberlin, Ohio) Parton / Dolly / cart / car / wheels / wails / howls / owls / hooters. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Slobodan Milosevic / Showboat and mean low savage / Michael Jordan, Adolf Hitler / Ball king, putscher / Balkan butcher. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Elton / skeleton / bones / Bones / Dr. Leonard McCoy / rocket man. (Elaine Pollard, Centreville) Paltrow / plateau / Pluto / heavenly body. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Quayle / quail / bird / birdie / sub-par. (Ed Shakin, Potomac) Tripp / trip / voyage / voyeur. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Rookie of the Week: Elvis / elves / Santa's helpers / stocking stuffers / goodies / Gouda / Big Cheese / King. (Michael Biggs, 11, Columbia) And Last: Czar / Russian / rushin' / too fast / to fast / Lent / a loan / alone / solitude / squalid dude / Loser (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Next Week: Fermenting Trouble ====================================================================== WEEK 318, published April 18, 1999 Week 318: Hyphen the Terrible birth-less -- adj., a word used to describe Adam and Eve. follow-ween -- n., November 1. hard-day -- n., Wednesday. offend-lite -- n., a minor social indiscretion, such as a dainty belch. follow-less -- n., the act of leaving a trail of pebbles instead of breadcrumbs, a la Hansel & Gretel care-lite -- n., services offered by an HMO This week's contest: Combine the first half of any hyphenated word in a story in today's paper with the second part of a different hyphenated word from the same story, and provide a new definition. The examples above are from today's Miss Manners column. Make sure you tell us from which story your words were chosen. The first-prize winner receives an original painting of two toy poodles seated on a chair, donated by the prestigious Annie Groer Collection. This painting is framed in cheap wood that has been singed by a soldering iron for that classic "cheap wood singed by a soldering iron" look. For a review of the artwork itself, we approached Paul Richard, The Washington Post's art critic. Paul believes that all art is an effort to summon the unseen, and therefore is worthy of respect; he will never flatly declare any piece to be "bad." (That would be cruel, he says, "like calling a disfigured person ugly.") So we challenged him to examine this painting and not call it "bad." He scrutinized it, paying particular attention to the brushstrokes, which appeared to have been rendered with a paintbrush from Home Depot. He examined the use of color, which appeared to be influenced by Crayola. His verdict: "You may quote me as follows: It is poignantly bad." First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 318, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 26. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear No One Reads was written by Russell Beland of Springfield. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 315, in which we asked you to write a rhyming poem about any one of five mundane subjects: cheese, bellybuttons, Nyquil, the lint trap in a dryer, or U.S. Trade Representative Charlene Barshefsky. But first: For the second time in two months, we have received word that a recent winning entry was not original. The concept of a store named "The Caveat Emptorium" evidently first appeared in an obscure novel published many years ago. The book was titled, er, "Gone With the Wind." Anyway, we debriefed the individual who submitted the entry, applied electrodes to his moist areas, etc., and became convinced he had never before heard the expression, and was guiltless of theft; indeed, no male human being on Earth has ever actually read "GWTW." Still, we hereby issue this warning: Don't submit an entry if you think you might have maybe perhaps heard it somewheres before, like from your Uncle Phil. Because your Uncle Phil is an idiot, and he probably stole it from Soupy Sales. Remember: If you submit a plagiarized entry under your name, it is not your Uncle Phil who will be humiliated in print and have to move to Tibet. Back to the poems: Fourth Runner-Up: A mouse in the house has been running amuck I've poisoned and glue-trapped and such with no luck. I've patched all the mouse holes with galvanized tin. I can't understand how that rodent gets in. The lint trap! That's it! He gets in through the vent! So I plugged up the gap with some Portland cement Which clogged up the lint trap, igniting the house. Now I'm out on the street -- but I'm rid of the mouse.(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Third Runner-Up: I go to Europe feeling hurt that cheese is thought of as dessert. The Frenchman mutters "quelle dommage" if parted from his swell fromage. The English love their Double Gloucester; He who doesn't? An impoucester! The Spaniard too (I heard one say so) will sometimes end his meal con queso. Cheese or sweets? Or will it do to have my cakes and Edam, too? (David Smith, Berkeley, Calif.) Second Runner-Up: Charlene Barshefsky, trading chief. I would not trade thee for Janet Reno Or a slab of bacon, or a side of beef Some ripe bananas, or a case of Beano. Nor e'en for a furry toilet seat That hosted many pompous derrieres. Thou art my Love; thou aren't swap meat. I just wish you would lower your barriers. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) First Runner-Up: Of bellybuttons we shall never tire. Rub two together, and start a fire. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the winner of the ashtray from Graceland: When I ran over our pet hamster I felt like such a fool. How could I undo this mess Ere the kids returned from school? A little daub of Mr. Clean Took bloodstains from the tire. And the hamster was replaced From the lint trap in the dryer. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: A Grecian urn? That I can see. Flanders poppies? Yessirree. Yet Shakespeare, Shelley, Byron, Milton Never wrote of Brie or Stilton Why their silence? 'Tis, methinks A simple fact: The stuff just stinks. There's never been, since Chaucer's times, A good word with which "putrid' rhymes. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The lint trap in a dryer Does much we can admire But it does almost nuttin' Compared to a bellybutton. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) The enemy flu, the charlatan Cold, Quick! My hero, brave and bold -- Away the fever! Clear the head! Take me, Nyquil! Share my bed! (Mary Von Drehle, Wheaton) If you eat cheese in your car And follow up with a cigar, The smell, I fear, will surely stay. And stink up your Chevre au Lait. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington) "Ode to a Lint Trap" Unsung by choir or chorus Unknown to screen or print Yet you have gathered for us A thousand pints of lint. (Josh Calder, Washington) Gorgonzola vs. Muenster would be a groovy Cheesy Japanese monster movie. (Susan Reese, Arlington) The vice president loves paperbacks -- Thrillers by assorted hacks. But lately he's been seen to sup Alone with "J'Accuse." What's up? There he dines on cheese and cola. Good Lord -- has Mr. Gorgonzola? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The coolness people fake will Never perfectly disguise; Her business suit says "Dayquil" But there's Nyquil in her eyes. (David Smith, Berkeley, Calif.) Advice to a Young Man Starting Out in the Business World: Don't drink Nyquil. Keep a dry quill. A pen can't think well, In the inkwell. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The spinning clothes are many hues, I change my outfit once a day. I favor yellows, greens and blues. How does the trap turn all to gray? (Betsy J. Rosenblatt, Washington) Barshefsky is a clunky name Too odd and foreign for lasting fame. Unless she has legs like Dietrich (Marlene) I see no hope for our brainy Charlene. (Bob Dennis, Flint Hill) When I ordered Whopper with Cheese, They said, "Have it your way." Oh, please. Should I get arty And ask for Havarti? Nah. Just: "Hold the e.coli disease." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And the Rookie of the Week: Bellybutton -- outie, innie. Source of humor -- mysteries many. Poke it hard with finger, single; Nether regions tickle, tingle. When you're heavy -- huge, hollow. If you're skinny -- flat, shallow. Twentysomething -- sexy, charming. Ninetysomething -- loose, alarming. (Jackie Binder, Charlottesville) Next Week: Calling The Toon ====================================================================== WEEK 319, published April 25, 1999 Week 319: REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY The two greatest highway menaces are drivers under 25 going over 65 and drivers over 65 going under 25. -- Anonymous It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men. -- Mae West Pain has this most excellent quality: If prolonged, it cannot be severe, and if severe, it cannot be prolonged. -- Seneca the Younger Marriage begins when you sink in his arms. It ends with your arms in his sink. -- Anonymous A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. -- Jack Benny This Week's Contest is to create an original chiasmus. We got this idea from a delightful new book edited by Mardy Grothe: "Never Let a Fool Kiss You or a Kiss Fool You." The book is a homage to the chiasmus, an ancient literary form in which meaning is derived by pairing two words or phrases, and then reversing their order, as in the title of the book and the examples above. A chiasmus may also include playfully transposed sounds, as in "Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." (We want original chiasmi only: No frontal lobotomies, please.) First-Prize Winner gets an elaborate plaster duck bejeweled with thousands of tiny seashells, carefully inlaid to suggest coloring and feathery texture. We are guessing that this fine artifact was crafted over many days by an elderly resident of a Florida retirement community. And when she was finished, she dutifully sliced a slot on the side. It is a piggy bank. She forgot, however, to make a hole in the bottom. And so the only way to harvest the money from this lovely ducky bank is to take a sledge hammer or a cinder block and . . . First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 319, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 3. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Lie No One Believes was written by David Genser, protector of the faith and supreme sovereign of England and Northern Ireland. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 316, in which we asked you to supply captions to any of six cartoons we provided. Third Runner-Up: The symbol representing the Artist Formerly Known as Minnie Pearl. (Norman Mallard, Washington; Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Second Runner-Up: The nearly immobile Ed Sullivan was an easy target for graffiti artist NINA. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: Calista Flockhart's pet aardvark.(M. Graham, Arlington; Susan Reese, Arlington) And the winner of Magic Pillow: The terrible secret of Flemish cooking. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Honorable mentions: Medicine for splitting headaches. (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Greg Arnold, Herndon) John Bobbitt's Viagra bottle. (Matt McCoy, Bowie; Todd Hakala, Alexandria) Viagra for people who just want to get to second base. (Ed Mickolus, Dunn Loring) Never ask a samurai to split a bottle of wine at dinner. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) You didn't think Bill Gates would just give his sperm away, did you? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Just a little something for your treble. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) DNA Exhibit 1267 from the Starr report. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Courtroom sketch of cartoonist Al Hirschfeld, after his arrest for stalking Nina Totenberg. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tx.) Last Halloween, Dan Quayle made his own Ninja costume. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Hard as he tries to deny it, Nino has a feminine side. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Madonna unplugged. (Russell and Chrissy Haynes, Silver Spring; Ralph Scott, Washington) Cone-B-Warm, a product designed to keep ice cream eaters' hands warm, did not live up to its projected sales. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) The world's worst marital aid. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Lassie never looked quite the same after rescuing Timmy from the steamroller. (Jessica Lynne Mathews, Arlington) The reason no one has a recipe for Pollen Stew. (Matt McCoy, Bowie) Delia prepares hamboogers. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; David H. Balaban, Charlottesville) Lacking a fairy godmother, Cinderella attempts to sneeze herself a ball gown. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) Rookie of the Week: While devouring a homemaker, the Blob laughs so loud his food comes out his nose. (Mark Murphy, South Bend, Ind.) Next Week: Pick Us a Winner ====================================================================== WEEK 320, published May 2, 1999 Week 320: What Kind of Foal Am I? Breed Count on Willem to Feud and name the foal Willem da Foe. Breed Alannan to Temperence Time and name the foal Al-Anon. Breed Always Believe to Gone North and name the foal Gullible's Travels. Breed Good Geezer to Light Fingered and name the foal Strum Thurmond. This Week's Contest was proposed, as it is proposed every year, by Mike "Mikey the Tout" Hammer of Herndon, who appears to have only one interest in life, and it is not Schopenhauer. We hear from Mike only once a year, around Kentucky Derby time, when he supplies us with the names of all the horses qualifying for the Triple Crown races and suggests we mate any two and come up with appropriate names for their foals. Maximum 18 letters and spaces. As always, you may ignore the genders of the horses, if -- like Mike -- you happen to know them. The full list of horses appears elsewhere on this page. First-prize winner gets another fine pewter plate from the Baltimore mayoral administration of William Donald Schaefer. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 320, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 10. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear No One Reads was written by Dave Zarrow of Herndon. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 317, in which we asked you to come up with an idea for a Style Invitational contest that fails because there will be only one obvious winner. A tough concept. There were some fine entries, but most stank. Which brings us pretty directly to a digression that will mercifully consume many column inches of space. Three weeks ago, we offered as the first prize a 1950s-vintage wooden novelty item in which a person using an outhouse can alert the next visitor to the condition of the air within. The item was labeled a "Chick Sales Barometer," which perplexed us. We asked for help. You obliged. We received dozens of explanations, most of them written in little crabbed fountain pen ink by persons who once drove Stutz Bearcats and remember Trygve Lie. The letters chastised us for being damn fool young hooligans without a lick of sense or, heavens to Betsy, a proper education. "Chick Sales" was evidently a misspelling of "Chic Sale," a well-known vaudevillian from Huron, S.D. In 1929, Mr. Sale wrote a slender volume that became a runaway bestseller to the exasperation of serious, starving artists such as, for example, Mr. William Faulkner. Called "The Specialist," the book was a mere 26 pages and purported to be the technological advice of one Lem Putt, a professional builder of outhouses. "The Specialist" was written in gawrsh-ma'am prose, and contained such philosophies as: "It's a mighty sight better to have a little privy over a big hole than a big privy over a little hole." The book fearlessly discussed the virtues of corncobs vs. catalogues, and why one wants the door to swing inward, so one can keep it open and catch a breeze yet be able to shut it quickly with a foot if someone comes -- as opposed to opening outward, where one might have to waddle pants-down to grab the door handle and pull. This was pretty racy stuff, for 1929. More than 2 million copies were sold. Here is the amazing thing: To two generations of Americans, with this tiny book, Charles "Chic" Sale managed to make his very name synonymous with poop! He died in 1936, but "The Specialist" lives on; astoundingly, it remains in print. We hereby declare Chic Sale to be the spiritual forebear of The Style Invitational. At long last, five years after our profoundest embarrassment, we can finally declare: This is what God looks like. Now we'll get back to Week 317 as soon as we fess up, forthrightly, to a recent error. Last week's winning entry was misattributed. It should have been credited to Sandra Hull of Arlington. Contest ideas that failed because there was only one obvious winner: Third Runner-Up: A contest to name a medical practice that specializes in treating only elephantiasis and elephant man's disease. Winner: Pachydermatology.(Dave Garratt, Bowie) Second Runner-Up: A contest to come up with an unfortunate real-life name for a line of women's clothing. Winner: Sag Harbor. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) First Runner-Up: A contest to come up with the name of a computer virus that deletes only old, useless files. Winner: The Kevorkian Virus. (Kevin Rowan, Washington) And the winner of the Chick Sales Barometer: A contest to come up with an inspirational slogan for Cathy Rigby, the former bulimic who played Peter Pan on Broadway. Winner: "I won't throw up, I won't throw up." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: A contest to propose an even worse name for Baltimore's football stadium than PSINet Stadium. Winner: Ravensbruck. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A contest to name a chain of grocery stores featuring a full-service deli, a bakery and a brothel. Winner: Shopper's Food Whorehouse. (Malcolm Visser, Burke) A contest to come up with a fish dish for a restaurant on Route 355 in Montgomery County. Winner: Rockville Pike. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A contest to come up with a name for a new movie about a relief pitcher who must come in when the great, aging starter runs out of gas. Winner: "Saving Nolan Ryan." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) A contest to name a sophisticated expose of corruption in the plumbing industry. Winner: "J'accuzzi." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) A contest to come up with a new modeling clay, endorsed by Homer Simpson. Winner: Doh. (Ralph Kass, Potomac) A contest to come up with a title for a how-to manual that doesn't insult the reader. Winner: "Ventriloquism for Dummies." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) A contest to come up with a witty response to someone who says, "Can you give me an anagram for the word "on"? Answer: "No." (Joseph Romm, Washington) A contest to come up with the best secondary use of a cigar. Winner: Smoking it. (Alan Orloff, Herndon) Rookie of the Week: A contest to come up with an ideal title for a book on how to be condescending. Winner: "Even You Can Learn to Be Condescending!" (Richard Henry, Baltimore) And Last: A contest to come up with an inanely derivative, self-referential contest. Winner: A contest to come up with an inanely derivative, self-referential contest. (Steve Latourette, Arlington) Next Week: Hyphen the Terrible ====================================================================== WEEK 321, published May 9, 1999 Week 321: Interpret This This Week's Contest was suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield. Russell writes frequently to complain that this contest is unfunny, unimaginative, formulaic, ill-conceived, sophomoric, stale, sloppily edited and disgracefully judged. Then he submits 46 entries. Well, this week he complained that there hasn't been an interesting new contest in years, and then suggested one. And it wasn't bad. Never let it be said that we discriminate against people merely because they are squishy warm wet blankets. Russell wins a jar of sour pickles. (When it does not arrive tomorrow, he will write to complain.) Anyway, Russell suggests a variation of a classic psychological test: Take any of the above cartoons and come up with a matched pair of interpretations for what is happening. Men/women, adults/children, religious believers/atheists, old person/young person, or whatever pairing you wish. For example: With Cartoon D, a woman might see it as an executive delivering a painful but necessary performance evaluation to an underling who is chastened, but nonetheless grateful for her honesty. A man might see it as a guy feigning interest in some relationship-babble in the hopes of winding up in the sack. First-prize winner gets a fabulous framed painting of Yosemite Sam, on black velvet, a value of $75. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 321, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 15. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Promo No One Needs was written by Russell Beland of Springfield. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 318, in which you were asked to combine the first half of a hyphenated word from that day's Post with the second half of a different hyphenated word, and provide a new meaning. Fifth Runner-Up: Fidel-crosoft, n., The official state-run software company of Cuba, which is at least honest about its monopoly. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: Ef-ucation, n., learning the facts of life on the streets.(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Third Runner-Up: Seduc-adoes, n., whirlwind affairs. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Gym-timate, n., someone you have seen naked, and sweating and moaning, but whose name you don't know. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Truth-ington, n., city located on the precise opposite side of the globe from our nation's capital. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) And the winner of the poodle painting: Uni-moron, n. Instead of bombs, this terrorist mails flaming bags of poo. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Par-ton-Gore, n., a very top-heavy ticket. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Di-world, n., amusement park where you really want to avoid the bumper cars. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Catastro-pitulation, n., the act of pulling a Neville Chamberlain. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Deal-makum, n., how we got Manhattan. (Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac) Gyp-weed, n., oregano. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Obvi-dence, n., the case against O.J. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Char-mates, n., death row convicts. (John E. Taibi II, Alexandria) Ac-nosaur, n., an adolescent Tyrannosaurus (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Yu-dorkovsky, n., Russian put-down. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Neigh-mother, n., a nag. (David Genser, Arlington) Satur-nity, n., how long "SNL" episodes seem to last these days. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Oxy-frog, n., anti-wart medicine. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Par-thetic, adj., describing someone who cheats at miniature golf. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Masturba-teur, n., Oh, those French have a fancy name for everything, don't they? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Dum-mond, n., a cubic zirconium; also, someone who thinks his fiancee won't be able to tell the difference. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) You-break-it-you-buy-world, n., shop that generates business by displaying fragile items on rickety shelves. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Consti-llation, n., Very, very tightly packed stars that form images of mythical beings, (e.g., Groanex the Strainer, Squatterius the Seat Hog, etc.) (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Pa-gone.com, n., a Web site where women can try to locate deadbeat dads. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Drag-reer, n., Monday morning activity. (Warren Blair, Ashburn) Notwith-ness, n., the quality of being nerdy. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Sto-nalists, n., writers for High Times magazine. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) Strug-holders, n., persons who carry injured Olympians. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Inter-nological, adj., describing the entrance exam the president gives to attractive new West Wing hires. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Virgin-cluded, adj., describing what one should look for in a good volcano-sacrifice kit. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Montgom-na, n., a female graduate of Montgomery College. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Work-nosed, adj., describing the color brown. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Kanga-brief, n., Underoo. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Histor-tion, n., what is recorded by the winners. (Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac) Blab-federate, n., Linda Tripp. (William Powell, Arlington) Man-pean, adj., describes the act of putting the seat up. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Neigh-burg, n., a one-horse town. (David Genser, Arlington) Ab-tention, n., the state into which a man places himself by sucking in his stomach when a pretty woman walks by at the beach. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Usual-land, n., new theme park where ordinary things happen, such as the newest attraction, Car Ride to the Mall. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Be-land, n., someone who whines excessively. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Rookie of the Week: Genita-chandising, n., prostitution. (Tom Klippstein, Scottsville, Va.) And Last: Edi-moron, n., the Czar. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Next Week: Reverse Psychology ====================================================================== WEEK 322, published May 16, 1999 Week 322: You Name It Huey, Dewey & Louie Armstrong -- The great musician added pizazz to the trio, and he even sounded sort of the same. Jimmy Dean & Deluca -- Thirteen aisles of overpriced, froufrou munchies and one isle of real food. Wynken, Blynken & Nodule -- Three literary characters who go sweetly and gently to sleep but wake up with lymphomas. Penn & Edward Teller -- The show ends with a really, really big bang. This Week's contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins some glow-in-the-dark space mucus. Elden suggests that you take a well known pair or group of names, extend one of them in some manner, and explain how the group dynamic changes. First-prize winner gets a rare, vintage, 1956 hardcover edition of Chic Sale's "The Specialist," the official Bible of the Style Invitational. This was donated by Dick Chadwick of St. Mary's City, who wins the following: We hereby declare ourselves a charitable enterprise, and officially value Mr. Chadwick's donation at $4 million for tax purposes. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 322, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 24. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Announcement No One Needs was written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 319, in which we asked you to come up with original chiasmi, expressions that rely on the reversal of two words or phrases. As always with contests calling for completely original thought along broad paths trod by others, this one brought out the thieves. Dozens of people submitted unoriginal entries as their own. These included such astonishing, baldfaced misappropriations as picking one's nose vs. picking one's friend's nose. Also: Soup in one's hair and hair in one's soup, fly in one's soup and soup in one's fly, getting AIDS from sex and sex from aides, driving on the parkway and parking on the driveway, roosters who cluck defiance and lawyers who do the reverse, and this hoary offering about mail order brides: The odds are good, but the goods are odd. The best of these was almost a winner, until we found it on the Internet: Women are like literary translations. The faithful are not beautiful, and the beautiful are not faithful. To these Steal Invitationalists, we have composed a completely original poem to inspire you in your continuing creative endeavors: I would not be just a nothin' / My head all full of stuffin' / My heart all full of pain / With the thoughts you'd be thinkin' /You could be another Lincoln / If you only had a brain Fourth Runner-Up: Being nice isn't easy, and being easy isn't nice.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Monica's credo -- It is better to be chased vigorously than to be vigorously chaste. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Second Runner-Up: I'd rather have bliss with two sisters than a cyst with two blisters. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: Not all men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave their homes, but all men kiss their homes goodbye when they leave their wives. (David Kleinbard, Washington) And the winner of the plaster duck piggy-bank: Bill Clinton, before: I don't know how I can make this any clearer... Bill Clinton, after: I don't know how I can clear this with my maker. (Craig McGowan, Liverpool, N.Y.) Honorable Mentions: It's better to pet a date than date a pet. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Long-distance romance ends when your man says he misses the hugs, but you find out he hugs the misses. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Propecia vs. Rogaine? Listen, when your hair has split, don't split hairs. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Remember your wedding anniversary: If you don't toast your future, your future is toast. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The country cousin greets the crack of dawn, while the city cousin greets the dawn with crack. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A paleontologist is a scientist who studies old fossils, while an epistemologist is an old fossil who studies scientists. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) If you're planning to take a drive on the Beltway, don't start by taking a belt in the driveway. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) I'd rather ride a miss than miss a ride. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) It is better to go to high school than to go to school high. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) It is better to nurse your wound than wound your nurse. (E. James Lieberman, MD, Potomac; David Genser, Arlington) The more reckless the lame duck, the more he needs the dame luck. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) I'd rather munch my crabs than crunch my abs. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Dr. Dre could rap to the beat, he just couldn't beat the rap. (David Genser, Arlington) Rookie of the Week: I strive for persistent inspiration, but instead I get insistent perspiration. (Taylor Simmons, Washington) And Last: If I win this contest, someone will contest this win. (Stuart Solomon, Springfield) Next Week: What Kind of Foal Am I? ====================================================================== WEEK 323, published May 23, 1999 Week 323: The Congressional Record Invitational Little yellow squares of paper that you leave messages on, and then affix to a document with airplane glue. A carbonated beverage made from cola nuts and just a hint of salmon. A medical device to inspect one's colon via insertion of a long tube connected to a live cockroach cam. A vacuum tube device that transmits sounds and images, powered by a basic lawn mower engine. This week's contest was suggested by Mary Lee Fox Roe of Mount Kisco, N.Y., who wins a corkscrew-through-the-head gag. Mary did not know she was suggesting this contest when she submitted 607 entries to the Week 320 contest below, thereby setting an all-time record for entries by one person in one week. Mary also set an all-time record for futility, since not one of her entries was published. Here is the interesting part: All of her entries were worthy. Several were eliminated only at the final cut. Which got us thinking: Some ideas are quite good, but -- in an antiquated cliche of the publishing industry -- need to be run through the typewriter one more time. They need a little final polishing, as in the examples above. Come up with other not-quite-ready inventions, past or present. First-prize winner gets an elegant, bejeweled, one-of-a-kind emerald green leaded glass Style Invitational bumper sticker storage container, crafted by Peyton Coyner of Afton, who wins squirting gum. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 323, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 31. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Lie No One Believes was written by Bill Strider of Gaithersburg. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 320, in which we asked you to take any two horses qualifying for the Triple Crown races, mate them and propose a name for their foal. Fourth Runner-Up: Mate Sailor's Warning with Cartel and name the foal Avast Conspiracy. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Mate Black Mercury with Forestry and name the foal Hg a Tree.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Mate Answer Lively with Ghost Story and name the foal Phantom of the Oprah. (Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: Mate Polish Pianist with Drama Critic and name the foal Show Pan. (David Genser, Arlington) And the winner of the William Donald Schaefer plate: Mate Breathtaking View with King of Scat and name the foal Awe Crap. (Dante D. Bruno, New York) Honorable Mentions: Mate Private Leon with Why So Quiet and name the foal Silent Spinx. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate Desert Hero with French Envoy and name the foal Tres Sheik. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Mate Hope for Soul with Inallprobability and name the foal Pascal's Wager. (Martin Bredeck, Alexandria) Mate Vicar with Charismatic and name the foal Mass Appeal. (Susan Cruzan Cohen, Washington) Mate The Groom Is Red with Why So Quiet and name the foal The Groom Is Dead. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Mate Whosrunnintheshow with Shut Up n' Drive and name the foal Yes Dear. (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.) Mate Walk That Walk with Gun Play and name the foal Dead Man Walking. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Mate Poirot with Noneoftheabove and name the foal Belgian Waffles. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate Flash Laru with First Bite and name the foal Whippersnapper. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Mate Excellent Meeting with One Last Trick and name the foal Staph Meeting. (David Genser, Arlington) Mate Drama Critic with Straight Man and named the foal Yeah Right. (Mike Long, Burke) Mate Noteasybeingreen with Sailor's Warning and name the foal Dramamine. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Mate Highest Peak with Ghost Story and name the foal Peak a Boo. (Debbie Stewart, Germantown; Russell Beland, Springfield) Mate Drama Critic with Why So Quiet and name the foal Gene Siskel. (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.) Mate Dan's Report with Daytime Robbery and name the Foal Whatsthefrequency. (John Kammer, Herndon) Mate Absolute Harmony with Fantastic Finish and name the foal Simultaneous O. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Mate Oh What a Windfall with Philabuster and name the foal Oh What a Windbag. (Michael J. Hammer, Arlington) Mate Capsized with King's Crown and name the foal Royal Dentist. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Mate First American with King of Scat and name the foal Amerigo Vespoopi. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate Support with French Envoy and name the foal Jacques Strap. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) Mate Dacha Nights with Walk That Walk and name the foal Hot to Trotsky. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Mate King of Scat with Yes It's True and name the foal Bear in the Woods. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate Badge with Untuttable and name the foal Elliott Fudd. (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.) Mate Drama Critic with Noteasybeingreen and name the foal Pauline Kale. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate Kutsa with Why So Quiet and name the foal Silent but Deadly. (Rich and Carol Weaver, Waldorf) Mate Successful Appeal with High Wire Act and name the foal TheFilingWallendas. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Mate Motor Scooter with One Last Trick and name the foal Harlot Davidson. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Mate Kipling with Straight Man and name the foal I've Never Kippled. (David Genser, Arlington) Mate Sam Huff with Wasted and name the foal Blitzed. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Mate Bugatti with Eagleton and name the foal Expensive Shocks. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Mate King of the Hunt with Hope for Soul and name the foal Let Us Prey. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Mate Kyd Dynamite with Kid Kapow and name the foal Baby Boomer. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Mate Digital Man with Macavity and name the foal Gynecologist. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Mate Davey's Cutlass with Dancing Arrow and name the foal Dave's Arrow. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Rookie of the week: Mate King of Scat with Diggit and name the foal Pooper Scooper. (Bob Sassaman, Olney) And last: Mate Brilliant Style with Sea Czar and name the foal I'm a Buttkisser. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Next Week: Interpret This ====================================================================== WEEK 324, published May 30, 1999 Week 324: A Prequel Opportunity Offering Raiders of the Lost Car Keys: A young Indiana Jones, during his heavy marijuana years. One of the Better Stories Ever Told: The life of Jesus's great-uncle Mordechai. Monica's Story: Episode I -- Monica is born, gets her pulkes kissed, goes shopping, gets her toenails done, goes shopping, nearly plotzes from anxiety, goes shopping ... My Favorite Things: The story of why the Baron Von Trapp was drummed out of the Imperial Navy in 1918 and why he has such a fondness for light opera. 2000: A Space Oddity: Weird, arty conceptual film shows how scientists create "Hal," a super-intelligent computer. Hal works perfectly, until infected by the year 2000 bug. No one notices the problem. This Week's contest was suggested by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins Philadelphia Phillies beverage coasters. In light of the fabulous success of "Star Wars: Episode I," Elden suggests that you come up with a "prequel" to some classic film or work of literature. You must produce a title and a brief plot summary, which of course must take place prior to the main action of the original work. First-prize winner gets a Magruder's bag full of plastic fruit, donated to The Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a rubber chocolate doughnut. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 324, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 7. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Prize No One Claims was written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 321, in which you were to take any one of five cartoons and tell us how two different people would interpret it. Third Runner-Up (Cartoon C): A doctor sees two people opting for a high-fat, high-sodium diet that will in time cause serious health problems. A lawyer sees two people forced to order pizza after they were not served at Denny's. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up (Cartoon B): A rabbi thinks, here are two young adults heading off on a memorable evening in which their values, and the strength of a lifetime of moral training, will be tested and no doubt found strong. His Holiness John Paul II thinks, hey, that kid stole my car! (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville; Sarah W. "Gaymon," Mitchellvile ) First Runner-Up (Cartoon C): The average person sees a pizza delivery. A tobacco company executive sees a vision of a glorious future in which pre-lit giant cigars are personally delivered to enthusiastic smokers and their children. (Mike Long, Burke) And the winner of the Yosemite Sam painting (Cartoon E): An omnivore would think a man is deciding whether to eat the only other remaining creature on the island. A vegan would say a man is deciding whether to let the chicken eat his nose or possibly his ear cartilage, since the man doesn't really need them and the chicken has as much right to life as he does, and, after all, the man does consume more than his fair share of the island's resources. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: A heterosexual man thinks, "Ha, a typical woman, wasting her money on a beauty parlor." A gay man thinks, "That bouffant is simply all wrong for her shape head." (Jessica Mathews, Arlington) A woman thinks, "Here's a woman getting a nice haircut." A man thinks, "Here's some babe getting all dolled up for me." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Cartoon B: A Virginian sees two parents gratified because their son is taking his first step toward adulthood. A West Virginian sees two parents gratified because their son and daughter are taking their first steps to adulthood. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Rookie of the week: Adolescents see the kids thinking, "Finally, we're getting out of the house so we can have sex." Parents see the parents thinking, "Finally, they are getting out of the house so we can have sex." (George Chamberlain, aboard the USS Theodore Roosevelt) Cartoon C: The average pizza delivery customer sees a pizza delivery. The average anchovy sees ethnic cleansing. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) The average person thinks, well, a family is getting pizza delivered. A member of the Monticello Association thinks, "Say, what is that fellow doing with a $100 bill?" (Ralph Scott, Washington) A conservative sees a quality product being delivered in a timely manner by an enterprising businessman to satisfied customers, keeping money in circulation and underscoring the inherent value of the American free-market system. A liberal sees a high-fat diet, flagrant squandering of energy resources through the burning of fossil fuel, and income being received in the form of a tip that will probably be under-reported, resulting in a loss of tax revenue that could be used to advance important social programs. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Cartoon D: Dr. Laura sees a woman taking control of the situation by telling the man exactly what she will and will not do on a first date. Howard Stern sees a man about to get a lap dance from a woman who needs a boob job. (Paul Styrene, Olney) A plastic surgeon thinks, man, if people really had schnozzes like that, I would have it made. A dermatologist thinks, man, I wish I were in Cartoon B. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Cartoon E: Washington Post readers see a man and a bird on a desert island. Washington Times readers see a bird relaying a secret message to a Chinese agent about U.S. campaign donations. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) A Democrat would see the horrors of global warming finally coming home to roost. A Republican might see overreaching gun control laws disarming a hunter who will soon starve because he cannot kill his prey. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) A vegetarian sees a difficult moral dilemma. A guy on Viagra sees a difficult moral dilemma. (David Genser, Arlington) God would say, "Two of my beloved creatures are learning to communicate." Satan would say, "Hey, I did that once -- stranded some guy on an island with Cindy Crawford and told him, "If you think about sex even once, I'll turn her into a chicken." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cartoons A and B: Adults see a woman getting a haircut and two kids heading to the prom. Kids see a car about to run over a barber. Way cool. (Russell Beland, Springfield) All the cartoons: The average reader would say, "What a fine idea for a contest!" Russell Beland of Springfield would say, "You know, I've gotta say something. This is the stupidest contest ever. What idiot ever thought of this one? I can't work under these conditions. I'm never entering again. Also, my elbow hurts and I have a cold." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Next Week: You Name It ====================================================================== WEEK 325, published June 6, 1999 Week 325: THE BURMA ROAD Paris: Bonjour, Mes Amis And &# You All. Please Enjoy Our Colossal Gaul. The Bronx: We welcome travelers All creeds and races. But you better behave Or we break your faces. This Week's Contest was inspired by a recent trip we took to West Virginia. As we entered the state we passed four consecutive billboards patterned after Burma Shave signs. They read, in succession: "We love it here / A nice place to visit / The beauty is natural / The litter it isn't." This pathetic piece of pseudo-poetry got us thinking that all states and cities should all have their own such welcoming doggerel. Propose some. Specify the city or state. Four lines only, with an ABCB or ABAB rhyme scheme. First-prize winner gets a pair of photos that were obviously very, very precious to the previous owner. The pictures are elegantly framed and triple-matted; a treatment inspired by love. The object of the owner's affection is photographed once from the side and once from behind. It is a truck. A big yellow truck, with a hydraulic cherry picker. To most observers, it evokes some variant of the following emotional response: "Man. That is SOME truck." The prize is worth $30. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 325, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 14. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by Jennifer Hart of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 322, in which we asked you to begin with a well-known group of two or more people, things or concepts, then add on to one of the names and tell how the group dynamic changes. Many people disqualified themselves by ignoring the rules ("Christopher Robin Hood: Steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh." Very clever, but where's the group? Likewise, "Y2KY Jelly.") Fifth Runner-Up: Ben and Jerry Springer: Ice cream with tasteless ingredients, especially the chunky ones. (Kerry Weems, Clifton) Fourth Runner-Up: Kukla, Fran and Ollie North - The team to bring in when you want to overthrow a puppet regime. (Storrs L. Olson, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Boy George and Gracie: Audiences don't find them as funny because of the lack of a straight man. (Toby Bushkin, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Crabtree & Evelyn Waugh: They sell you overpriced English soaps, then mock you for being the sort of vulgar, pretentious American twit who buys overpriced English soaps. (Miles D. Moore, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: Rhythm method and blues: This new fusion sound is just the thing to play when your baby wants lovin', but not vice versa. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) And the winner of Chic Sale's "The Specialist": Matthew, Mark, Luke and Johnnie Cochran: The fellas finally decide to add an attorney to strengthen their copyright infringement suits. (Tom Glynn, Rockville) Honorable Mentions: Diana Ross Perot and the Supremes: When this revamped group hits the charts, it's usually pretty boring. Pie graphs, mostly. (Robert A. Brooks, Alexandria) Toccata and Fugue State in D Minor: A popular classical work becomes positively hypnotic. (Ben Llewellyn, Falls Church) Dharma and Greg Louganis: Sitcom of a lovable but ditsy woman trying to find happiness with an inexplicably indifferent Olympic diver. (Tom Wiener, Washington) Bob and Carol and Ted Kaczynski and Alice: This remake bombed. (Drew Knoblauch, Reston) Fawn Hall and Oates: The American public would be happy to see THESE records destroyed. (Matt Josephs, Washington) Sonny Corleone and Cher: Much more likely to produce a hit. (Toby Bushkin, Arlington) Grant Tinker to Evers to Chance: The famed double-play combo now is prone to errors like "Supertrain" and "Hello Larry." (James Dinan, Washington) Tinker to Evers to Fat Chance: They can't get anyone out. What do you expect? These guys are 135 years old! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Cravath, Swain & Demi Moore: From stuffed shirts to no shirts. (Ernie Isenstadt, McLean) Captain Hazelwood and Tennille: This revamped group's career is on the rocks. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) American Standard & Poor's: This financial rating company specializes in firms going down the toilet. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Abraham, Martin and John-Boy: After allegations of JFK's flagrant immoralities, the song is revised to make it more wholesome. (Ben Llewellyn, Falls Church) Smith & Wesson Oil: Now specializing in grease guns. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Henry Hyde: No change, actually. (Robert A. Brooks, Alexandria) Donny and Marie Antoinette: "Let them eat Wonder Bread." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) A&PMS: Convenient one-stop shopping for all the little extras: chocolate, potato chips and Midol. Reasonable prices and friendly service, but it'll cost you your life if you accidentally cut in front of someone. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Adam and Evel Knievel: Gunned their motorcycles defiantly, popped a wheelie, roared out of the Garden of Eden at 90 mph, and never looked back. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Barnes & Ignoble: Now selling the finest in plagiarized literature. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Tweedledum and Tweedledee Dee Myers: The much maligned pair decide they need to improve their image. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Bailey, Banks and Biddle Barrows: Jewelry, gift ideas and an entirely new perspective on personal shopper services. (Christopher Hapner, Savannah, Ga.) Bergen and Joe McCarthy: The only ventriloquist act where the dummy asked all the questions. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Remy Martin and Lewis: No change. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Patton, Boggs and Blowhard: It was only after they persuaded their partner to shorten his name that business really took off. (Tom Glynn, Rockville) Binney & Smith & Wesson: The crayon manufacturer merged with the gun people. Baaad idea. (Jeremy Hancock, Erie, Pa.) Peter, RuPaul & Mary: The folk group updates its 1960s hit to "Puff, the Magic Drag Queen." (Chris Doyle, Burke) Frank n' Ernest & Julio Gallo: The two comic strip characters get down on their luck, become winos living out of cardboard boxes. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Hiss and Hers: A set of bath towels packaged in hollowed-out pumpkins. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kidney Dialysis Machine: Butch actually survived, but in a diminished state of health. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Rowan & Lockheed Martin: When they sock it to you, they sock it to you. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Alfonse D'Amato and Gaston: New York pols become exceedingly deferential: "I'm a putzhead." "No, no, I insist, I'M the putzhead." (Chris Doyle, Burke) Barnum & Beetle Bailey Circus: New name of NATO coalition forces. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Rookie of the Week: Tweety and Sylvester Stallone: The bird finally wised up and hired a bodyguard. (Lisa Arthur, Fredericksburg) Next Week: The Congressional Record Invitational ====================================================================== WEEK 326, published June 13, 1999 Week 326: Comic Relief This Week's Contest was proposed by Jeff Seigle of Herndon, who wins a copy of the bestselling novel "Star Wars: Episode I," signed by William Shakespeare. Jeff suggests that you look at today's comics pages, select one panel and one panel only from any comic strip, and rewrite the dialogue. You may add or eliminate a balloon, and may add a caption beneath the picture, but you may not alter the drawing in any way. Your rewritten panel should stand alone as its own cartoon. Yes, you can use a single-panel strip, like The Family Circus. The two examples above were rewritten by cartoonist Bob Staake, using the daily comics from last Monday. You need not send us the cartoon: Just explain which frame of which strip you are using, and give your new wording. First-prize winner gets a vintage 1970s-era political T-shirt urging the acquittal of Bernhard Goetz, the geeky New York City subway vigilante who shot his would-be muggers. "He Who Takes, Goetz It," says the inscription, beneath a drawing of a handgun. This is worth $30. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 326, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 21. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The anonymous entry below was written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 323, in which we asked you to come up with good inventions that still need one little bug ironed out. But first, the Czar wishes to report the results of an interesting experiment. This week, after judging the contest, he reshuffled the 75 best entries and asked the Czarevich to choose the 30 he would publish. Astoundingly, father and son came up with almost the identical set of finalists and winners -- thus proving conclusively, with no other possible interpretation, that this 14-year-old boy has the sophisticated sense of humor of an adult. Incidentally, both Czar and Czarevich reluctantly disqualified the same entry, by Rick Haynes of Potomac, because they independently concluded that it was not a bad idea -- as required by the contest -- but an extremely, wonderfully good idea. It is a whoopee cushion that makes no noise but emits a really bad smell. * Fourth Runner-Up: A single phone number that instantly connects you to all emergency services merely by dialing 9-1-1-7-9-#-3-8-5-8-*-7-3-1-6-4-#-3-3-0-7.(Russell Beland, Springfield) * Third Runner-Up: Life jackets that are inflated with the gas given off by rotting chum inside. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) * Second Runner-Up: Something for your computer that allows you to select the exact point on the screen you want, using a device based on the claw machine in arcades. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) * First Runner-Up: Caramel-coated popcorn and peanuts, with a surprise algebra problem in every box. (Greg Dobbins, Arlington) * And the winner of the elegant, bejeweled, one-of-a-kind emerald green leaded glass Style Invitational bumper sticker storage container: A special security device for office buildings that recognizes someone by analyzing his spinal fluid. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Honorable mentions: A new kind of personal vehicle that does not wastefully burn fossil fuel, but runs on minced baby seals. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) A whistle that cannot be heard by humans, only skunks. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) A medicine to counteract seasickness, in a pork-flavored suspension. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) An effective rinse to cure bad breath that leaves the pleasant scent of vodka. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) A chocolate candy bar filled with peanuts, caramel, coconut and sauteed mushrooms. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) Home delivery of fresh milk, via a trailer of cows driven to customers' doors. (Rusell Beland, Springfield) A sound-activated device that allows you to turn on lights or appliances merely by yodeling. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A pleasant-tasting substitute for eggs made from cow eyes. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Outlawing guns so that only outlaws will have guns. (Charlton Heston, Hollywood; Russell Beland, Springfield) An inflatable bag mounted in a car's steering wheel that can be deployed at the push of a button when the driver senses a collision is imminent. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) A roadside zoo that permits children to pet the animals. Porcupines, mostly. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) A computer program that lets you type a message to a friend and, with one quick tap on the keyboard, alerts a delivery person to stop by your house, pick up the computer and carry it to your friend's house so he or she can read it right off the screen. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A child's toy to blow bubbles: You fill your mouth with a soap solution, hold a plastic wand to your lips and gently breathe out. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Loaves of bread that come pre-sliced, lengthwise. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac; Craig McGowan, Liverpool, N.Y.) Implants made of silicone to increase the size of your thighs. (Jessica L. Mathews, Arlington; Russell Beland, Springfield) Colorful rat pellets shaped like "Flintstones" characters. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) A miniature sewing machine, to attach pieces of paper together. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Children's birthday toys consisting of hollow, breakable festively colored papier-mache figures in fun animal shapes, filled with raw animal organs. (Josh Calder, Washington) A little box that attaches to your phone and, when you're not home, answers it and asks the person calling to send you a letter. (Russell Beland, Springfield) A multi-use utensil for fast-food restaurants. Called the "spife," it is a spoon whose edge has been milled razor-thin for easy cutting of meat. (Malcolm Visser, Burke) A toilet-like device to cleanse one's nether regions by producing a stream of water from a fire hose. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) A long, thin plastic box that you fill with water and freeze. Later, you use a hacksaw to slice the frozen water into individual "cubes." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A little light on the dashboard, with an image of a gas pump, to inform the driver when the car has run out of gas, giving stranded motorists peace of mind knowing the problem isn't something expensive. (Russell Beland, Springfield) * Rookie of the Week: A futuristic weapon which in no way improves on the design of the medieval sword, thus exposing Jedi to attacks from any idiot with a blaster. (Karin Robison, Washington) * And last: A weekly humor contest in a newspaper only open to employees of the newspaper and members of their immediate families. (Joseph Romm, Washington) * And extremely last: A weekly newspaper humor contest that only publishes contestants' entries, not their names. Next Week: A Prequel Opportunity Offering ====================================================================== WEEK 327, published June 20, 1999 Week 327: Ask Backwards Larry of Arabia Nine Apathetic Sympathetic Diabetic Old Men on Bicycles The Heimlich Manure Slobodan Fitzgerald Kennedy Six Characters in Search of a Plumber's Helper Hugging, Kissing and Kvetching The So-So Gatsby Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim A Squeegee and a Codpiece but not Madeleine Albright Three! Four! Five! Buttocks! Six! The Sphinx, the Great Pyramid and the Jiffy Lube in Rockville The Next-To-Last of the Mohicans This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers.What are the questions? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a Shea Stadium cookie tin that, when opened, plays "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." This is worth $20. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 327, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 28. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Warning No One Heeds was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 324, in which we asked you to come up with "prequels" to famous works of cinema or literature. Many entrants came up with fabulous titles, but failed at creating plausible plot summaries. These included "Just Another in a Long Series of Tangos in Paris," "All the Postmaster General's Men," and "Patton Pending." Also, some entries were very good, but were not, technically, prequels. The best of these, by Malcolm Fleschner of Arlington: "Here's Waldo" -- Precisely like the familiar version, but each full-page illustration includes a big red arrow. Fourth Runner-Up: "It's a Terrible Life" -- A young Mr. Potter wishes he had never been born after losing the use of his legs, but after an angel shows him just how unbearably chipper the town of Bedford Falls would be without him, he changes his mind for the good of mankind.(Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Third Runner-Up: "Divide by Zero" -- Before Brad Easton Ellis failed at literature, he tried his hand at math. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Second Runner-Up: "James Bond, 006" -- A man with a learner's permit to kill. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville; Bob Sorensen, Herndon) First Runner-Up: "Godot Waiting" -- Godot spends three acts pacing, glancing at his watch, and muttering "Where the hell are those guys?" and then shrugs and shuffles off stage. (David Genser, Arlington) And the winner of the Magruder's bag full of plastic fruit: "Star Wars, Episode 0" -- Ninety minutes of Mrs. Skywalker's ultrasound of little Anakin. On the first weekend, it grosses $100 million. (Aaron Kravitz, Ellicott City) Honorable Mentions: "Twelve Mildly Ticked-Off Men" -- A bunch of guys get a summons to jury duty. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "The G-dfather" -- Years before the Italians took over, Orthodox Jews ran organized crime. (David Genser, Arlington) "Basic Instinct, Part 1" -- The story of a little girl who climbs high on the monkey bars and then drops cinder blocks on the boys who try to peek under her skirt. (Paul Styrene, Olney) "Angel, Second Class" -- The hilarious misadventures of Clarence, the apprentice angel in the days before Bedford Falls, as he tries to save the Titanic and the Hindenburg. (David J. Litman, Arlington) "Tuesday Night Fever" -- The dancing is intense, but stops at 11 because, hey, it's a school night. (Russ Beland, Springfield) "Two Very Horny Dalmatians" -- Self-explanatory. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "It's a Wonderful Day" -- Tempted to call in sick, a man is shown what the office would be like without him. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "The Oyster," by John Steinbeck, a novel in which an oyster tries in vain to rid itself of a particulate that has lodged within its shell. (Mike Genz, La Plata) "Paleozoic Park" -- Trilobytes are cloned from fossilized DNA, and a theme park is created around them. No one comes. Then someone gets a better idea (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) "The Undergraduate" -- Benjamin is a little worried about his acne. Score by Chad and Jeremy. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "The Whiny Adolescence of Jerry A. Prufrock" -- He just can't score. (Ralph Scott, Washington) "The Blobule" -- A young Blob makes its way around town largely unnoticed, attempting to wreak havoc but mostly just clogging up pipes and sticking to people's shoes. (Mike Genz, La Plata) "The King and Me" -- Anna still has a lot to learn when she begins student teaching. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) "Neuro" -- While changing for gym class, Normie Bates is caught wearing his mother's nylons. The other kids' razzing affects him adversely (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) "Fast Times at Ridgemont Middle School" -- Same as the original, only even more sophomoric. (Russ Beland, Springfield) "You've Got a Telegram" -- A heartfelt romance between two people that takes place in 1909. (Blythe Leatherman, Cabin John) "Mr. Zhivago" -- Yuri fails his medical boards because instead of studying he spends all his time writing sappy poetry. (Lynn Terhar, Chantilly) "The Eggs" -- Prequel to "The Birds." No, wait. "The Birds" is the prequel to "The Eggs." No, wait (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Rookie of the Week: "Go Ask Dorothy" -- Fed up with her addiction to hallucinogens, a young girl's parents send her to live with her aunt and uncle on a farm where, unfortunately, mushrooms grow wild. (Sarah and Amy Splitt, Washington) Next Week: The Burma Road ====================================================================== WEEK 328, published June 27, 1999 Week 328: Nice Capades This Week's Contest was suggested by "John from Gaithersburg," who wrote to ask why the Style Invitational traffics so relentlessly in negativity, making fun of people for the sake of a cheap giggle; reveling in others' failures; reinforcing negative cultural stereotypes; issuing gratuitous personal slurs. In short, he asks why we are so nasty. Well, John, you raise a good question, and it deserves a good answer: It is because you are a lard-butted idiot. But you did give us an idea for a contest. Here it is: Be nice. Send in some pleasant observation, in which you take a really cheerful or heartwarming view of something that less charitable people might conceivably see differently. It can be about anything: individuals, groups of people, institutions, places of origin, circumstances in which one can find oneself, whatever. The only criterion is that it be "nice." We are giving no examples because we want to widen the playing field. First-prize winner gets a limited-edition, numbered (#3,022) coffee mug from the launching of the USS Dwight D. Eisenhower on Oct. 15, 1975. It is worth $20. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 328, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Tuesday, July 6. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear No One Reads was written by Andy Spitzler of Washington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 325, in which you were asked to come up with rhyming Burma-Shave highway signs to welcome travelers to various cities or states. Third Runner-Up -- Georgia: Welcome to The deep, deep South. You sure got A purty mouth.(Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Second Runner-Up -- East Orange, N.J.: We celebrate in poem Our town of East Orange. Enjoy our lovely home And ... oh crap. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) First Runner-Up -- Nantucket Island: We know why you're here. We know your plan. You just want a gander At "The Man." (Greg Arnold, Herndon) And the winner of the big yellow truck photos: Los Alamos, N.M. -- We've got a bomb lab And takeout Chinese Though the Chinese take out Whatever they please. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: Zurich: Our scenery's gorgeous, It never gets old. Just like the interest On Nazi gold. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Paris, Tex.: There's no Eiffel Tower No Louvre or Versailles, But if you get hungry You can have a french fry. (Roz Levine, McLean) Washington D.C.: This capital city Lives up to its billing. Our crime rate is low (Except for the killing). (Vance Garnett, Washington) Canada: Enjoy your visit eh It's a nice place eh Just don't go to Quebec eh Unless you speak French eh. (Warren Blair, Ashburn) Orlando: Grab your wallets And dig down deep. We may be cheesy But we ain't cheap. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Indiana: We welcome all visitors To the home of Dan Quayle. Keep your hands on the wheel And your eyes on the road, because studies have shown that people who glance away, even for short periods (such as for changing radio stations or dialing a cell phone) tend to have more accidents than those who pay closer attention. Humans are, after all, frail. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Arkansas: We glad you're here A nice time it'll earn ya. If you don't speak good English, We're happy to learn ya. (Jeron Hayes, Dahlgren) Dranesville: Welcome to Dranesville. Escape big-city noise. We have us a tavern (Last sign was stolen by high school boys). (John Kammer, Herndon) Intercourse, Pa.: We know our name Seems funny to some Heck, we're just glad That you could come. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Arkansas: Betty Sue Done wrote this sign. And she's sellin' If your bine. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Branson, Mo.: Dinner theater At its best. We've even got Shakespeare Starring Adam West. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) North Potomac: We changed our name 'Cause we abhorred it. We'd move except We can't afford it. (Bill Strider, North Georgetown) Bogota: Americans welcome! To each we devote Only the finest Ransom note. (Phil Ehrenkranz, Leesburg) Atlantis: Our city was sunk, Our towers were tossed. If you're almost here, You're really lost. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Belgrade: The lights give no glow When you turn on the switch All's dark, like the soul Of Milosevic. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Montana: Welcome, travelers, Please check your gun. If you did not bring it We'll issue you one. (Mary Jane Mitchell, Ellicott City) Havana: Bienvenidos a Cuba We beat the O's! Now all we need Are food and clothes. (Phil Ehrenkranz, Leesburg) Rookie of the Week: Florida: Hello, strangers Just try to have fun. In a Southern state Even shaped like a gun. (Wid Douglas, College Park) And Last: Laurel, Md.: Our favorite son Is peeved and miffed; he Suggested this contest Around Week 50. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: Comic Relief ====================================================================== WEEK 329, published July 4, 1999 Week 329: The Style Invitational: Hell Baltimore Orioles: Bat .000 The National Rifle Association: Hatin' Life Vice President Albert Gore: Resident Bore Prince Charles Windsor of Britain: Ears, No Brain This Week's Contest occurred to us when we were leafing through our latest issue of the Economist. When we briefly dozed off, it fell to the floor right onto a copy of Mad magazine, where we latched onto this: Mad has a feature in which it extracts messages hidden in people's names. That is the contest: Take the name of a person or institution. Find within it a hidden message. You may add spacing and punctuation, but you may not move letters around: The hidden message must be found by pulling out letters and using them in the same order they appear in the original name. You may take some small liberties in the way you choose to express the original name, as in the Prince Charles example above. First-prize winner gets a genuine, limited-edition 1991 bottle of Elvis cologne, which is worth $50. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 329, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 12. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Notice No One Notices was written by Mike Long of Burke. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 326, in which we challenged you to take a panel from that day's comics and alter the wording. Many fine entries were unprintable. In this category, a special blind T-shirt goes out to T.J. Murphy of Arlington for an entry involving "The Family Circus" that we would have published had we not been just a little concerned for our mortal soul. Also, we would like to point out, for what it is worth, that many men seem rather . . . aroused by both Blondie and Cookie Bumstead. Third Runner-Up -- See, Jimmy? Send a few bunnies out there & you can quickly clear a field of land mines. (Dudley E. Thompson Jr., Raleigh, N.C.) Second Runner-Up -- I wish you would stay home so we could discuss how our relationship is evolving. I respect what you are saying, but I feel I need more freedom to achieve my personal goals. (Ron Stanley, Arlington) First Runner-Up -- Face facts, Dad. We never would have reached civilization if we hadn't eaten Mom and the twins. (Charlie McNamara, Chevy Chase) And the winner of the vintage 1970s-era Bernhard Goetz political T-shirt: You're not using that testosterone hormone that Mark McGwire uses, are you, Charlie Brown? I'm Lucy. (David Genser, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: God wants you, Jeffy. Close your eyes and run across the street! (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Mom is the real killer! O.J. was right! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) So, before The Great Mutation, humans were larger than us and intelligent? (Ron Stanley, Arlington) OKAY, MARVIN, READY TO GO SHOP? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) So you see, sweetie, when a boy goes swimming in cold water ... (Drew Knoblauch, Reston) Rookie of the Week: Well, finally! Jon gets a woman in the sack. (Jim Cochrane, Falls Church) Next Week: Ask Backwards ====================================================================== WEEK 330, published July 11, 1999 Week 330: Nerd Planet From the Sun Since everyone knows one kilobyte equals 1,024 computer bytes, the Y2K problem suggests something wrong in the year 2048. It should really be the "Y1.9531K problem," approximately. Technically, "white" people should be called "pink" people, and "black" people should be called "brown" people. And Asian people should be called "pinkish-xanthomelanous" people. A computer "virus" is a misnomer inasmuch as it contains no replicable nucleic acid. I prefer to call it a "corrupted element of binary code." You know, the human heart isn't really heart-shaped. What you got on that greeting card is a cross-section of a carotid artery. This week's contest was suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield, who wins a rare, Uncorrected Proof edition of the new book, "Cool Companies -- How The Best Businesses Boost Profits and Productivity by Cutting Greeenhouse Gas Emissions," by Joseph J, Romm. Russell asks: "How many times have you been told that the 21st century doesn't really start until 2001? The idea here is come up with comments from the Nerd Side even less interesting than that." First-prize winner gets a fabulous collection of memorabilia from the 1992 and 1996 Republican national conventions, including three George Bush pens, one Dole-Gingrich button ("The Extreme Team") and two elaborate key chains, made from dice, proclaiming the inevitability of a Gramm presidency. This all is worth $50. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 330, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: loserswashpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 19. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Warning No One Gives Much Thought To was written by Annie Entwegger of Bethesda. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. The end of the world approaches; frankly, it could be worse. Report from Week 327, in which we asked you to write "Jeopardy!" questions for any of 12 answers we supplied. Sixth Runner-Up: Answer: The Heimlich Manure Question: What is the name of Henry Heimlich's second most important contribution to emergency medicine, a procedure to alleviate acute constipation? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fifth Runner-Up: Answer: A Squeegee and a Codpiece but Not Madeleine Albright Question: What are two things that are reasonably flexible? (Keith W. Johnson, Berlin, Md.) Fourth Runner-Up: Answer: The So-So Gatsby Question: Who spent long hours at the water's edge, gazing wistfully at the beacon of a small green light that shone from the window of a nearby Bennigan's? (Martin Bredick, Alexandria) Third Runner-Up: Answer: Slobodan Fitzgerald Kennedy Question: What name does Milosevich use when attempting to pick up chicks in Cape Cod? (Peter J. Hughes, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up: Answer: Hugging, Kissing and Kvetching Question: What are the three bases James Brolin had to touch before scoring with Barbra? (Debbie Stewart, Germantown) First Runner-Up: Answer: Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim Question: What is probably not Puff Daddy's real name? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the Shea Stadium cookie tin: Answer: The Heimlich Manure Question: How may we characterize the excuse "No, honey. I wasn't embracing that woman. She was, um, choking, and I was . . ." (David Genser, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Slobodan Fitzgerald Kennedy Who founded the Peace Corpse?(David Genser, Arlington) Who wrote "Profiles in Scourge"? (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Who said, "Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do to your country"? (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Whose family compound is in Tyrannisport? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Nine Apathetic, Sympathetic, Diabetic Old Men on Bicycles From whom could the Orioles probably take two out of three? (David Genser, Arlington; Paul Styrene, Olney) Who are the Chinese Supreme Court? (Allen and Mandy Farrington, La Crescenta, Calif.) The Sphinx, the Great Pyramid and the Jiffy Lube in Rockville What are three places that are near Alexandria? (Mitch Teich, Flagstaff, Ariz.) Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim Who was denied employment by the Jiffy Lube of Rockville because his name wouldn't fit on the company overalls? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Who wrote "Chicken Soup for the Pompous Ass's Soul"? (David Genser, Arlington) The Heimlich Manure What is the best fertilizer to use for growing artichokes? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Larry of Arabia What will be the title of an epic movie remake starring Adam Sandler? (Sandra Hull, Arlington) For whom did the telemarketer ask when he called T.E. Lawrence? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac; Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax; Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) What famous comic only played the Sands? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Hugging, Kissing and Kvetching What was the original title of Monica Lewinsky's autobiography? (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) What are some favorite things of the Telavivtubbies? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) A Squeegee and a Codpiece but Not Madeleine Albright What things are less effective if they are the slightest bit abrasive? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What might Dennis Rodman find in his bed after a wild night? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Three! Four! Five! Buttocks! Six! What are the ending steps in the cancan? (George L. Murray, Vienna) How can you tell, by listening to the doctor, when one of your sextuplets is born breech? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) How did Marilyn Vos Savant complete the sequential-logic puzzle: "1, 2, breasts . . ."? (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.) What Freudian slip does Richard Simmons sometimes make when leading an all-male aerobics class? (Malcolm Visser, Burke) What is the opposite of a head count? (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Rookie of the Week: What goes through the mind of someone estimating Gheorge Muresan's height while standing behind him in line at the bank? (Paul Hoppenjans, North Bethesda) Next Week: NICE CAPADES ====================================================================== WEEK 331, published July 18, 1999 Week 331: Drawing on Creativity "PAC Man" -- The story of an aggressive lobbyist. Liberally sprinkling money, he gobbles up congressional support for his many dubious special interests, including Perpetuating Oral Sex in Middle Schools, Using Mashed-Up Kittens for Fossil Fuels. . . . "Apartment 366-G, Northwest Tower" -- The serial-style adventures of a yuppie family who live in a suburban Washington high-rise and never leave home. There is Mom, Dad, Wally, Sis and Anneke, the au pair, whose rotating roster of "visitors" includes an Iraqi spy, a ventriloquist and Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. . . . "The President's Fly" -- His name is Marty. He is very cynical. He loves getting fresh poop. He lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. But he spends a lot of his time on the wall. . . . This Week's Contest is a first for the Style Invitational. You do not have a full week to respond. You must get your entries to us, by e-mail or fax, by 3 p.m. Tuesday. Snail mail must arrive here on or before Wednesday. Here is the contest: Pretend you are creating a comic strip based in Washington, D.C., and the environs. Come up with an idea for a fictional central character. He, she or it must be someone around whom funny and intriguing adventures can be built. Describe your character in as much detail as you wish, but do not supply an entire episode. Give the strip a name. These entries will be judged for humor and originality, but a key factor will be how adaptable your character is for promising story lines. The first-prize winner will be announced next week, and will become the basis of a new contest. First-prize winner gets "Love Ewe," an inflatable sheep. This is worth $50. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 331, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: loserswashpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Warning No One Heeds Until It Is Too Late was written by Gwenengineer.com. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 328, in which you were asked to For God's Sake Say Something Nice. Third Runner-Up: Having multiple personalities isn't that bad. It can lead to valid consensus decision-making. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: Overcrowding on Metro trains is nice. Without it, some of us would have no sex life at all. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) First Runner-Up: Being black in America is very nice because you get all this extra attention from sales people in fancy stores. (Wesley McGee, Falls Church) And the winner of the coffee mug from the launching of the USS Dwight D. Eisenhower: Adolf Hitler(Janet Arrowsmith-Lowe, Ruidoso, N.M. ) Honorable Mentions: The ready availability of inexpensive handguns certainly does discourage drive-by stabbings and bludgeonings. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Mimes are nice. They don't scream when you kill them. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Getting your hand amputated for thievery in some foreign country isn't as bad as it sounds. Imagine the fabulous practical jokes you can play in Benihana. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Thanks to my HMO, I spent a lot less time in doctors' offices this year. (David Genser, Arlington) The Y2K bug might spare the life of an innocent man sentenced to die in the electric chair on midnight, Dec. 31, 1999. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Middle-age spread is nice because it lowers your center of gravity, so it is just that much harder for you to tip over. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Marion Barry was a wonderful mayor. He helped remove drugs from the streets. (Susan Gruen, Gaithersburg) Give Latrell Sprewell credit. He never choked in the playoffs. (David Genser, Arlington) It's nice that Monica Lewinsky got famous and rich because now there is one less surly spoiled brat working at the Gap. (Mike Long, Burke) Pol Pot never persecuted the Amish. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) It is nice of Milosevic to remain in Belgrade, so we can keep an eye on him. (David Genser, Arlington) Getting your eye poked out is nice because then you will only have to spend half as much for contact lenses. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) Metro's Blue Line is more dependable than Metro's escalators. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Snoring is nice because it keeps your spouse from having bad dreams. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Isn't it great that when you have a really crappy life it gives you something to write about? (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Teenage acne is nice because it teaches youngsters to look past appearances and appreciate each person's inner beauty. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Mitchellville) It is nice of the airlines to serve such bad food, so that if passengers have to use the barf bag they won't feel it's such a great loss. (David Genser, Arlington; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Having my baby is a lovely way of saying how much you love me. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Rookie of the Week: It is thoughtful of Ken Starr to keep investigating every obscure allegation made against the Clintons, so as to keep their reputations spotless and assure their high place in history. (Bob Grossman, Columbia) And Last: The Style Invitational may be tasteless, but it is also odorless. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: The Style Invitational: Hell ====================================================================== WEEK 332, published July 25, 1999 Week 332: Authors in Search of a Character Third Runner-up: Anyone who shakes his hand is compelled to be forthright and truthful for 24 hours. Diogenes wreaks havoc throughout Washington by introducing himself to a notable person, and stepping back to watch the fun.(Craig McGowan, Liverpool, N.Y.) Second Runner-up: A modern-day Johnny Appleseed, this grizzled old mountain man roams the streets of Washington and fills potholes from a sack of gravel on his back. Recurring characters include Ethylene, a social worker; Officer Poop, a cop who wants to catch Pete in the act; Ma Hart, a homeless woman; many drivers with road rage; and Cluckie, a gravel-eating chicken. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) First Runner-up: Ghosts of all the presidents wander the nation's capital and react to current events, tourists, modern pols, modern dating habits, etc. (Michael Reinemer, Arlington; Paul Styrene, Olney) And the winner of the inflatable sheep: Based on the infamous, possibly apocryphal cyber cad said to have brushed off a prospective date via a smug e-mail, this is the story of a complete louse let loose in Washington. A government attorney, he is handsome, ambitious, immature, ruthless, misogynistic, astonishingly insensitive . . . and curiously charming. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Joyce Rains, Bethesda) This Week's Contest, like last week's, requires you to submit your entries via fax or e-mail by noon Tuesday; snail mail entries must arrive on or before Wednesday. Above are the four winning entries from last week, in which we asked you to come up with characters for a new daily comic strip based in Washington. Your aim this week is to come up with a three- or four-panel cartoon about one of these characters. You don't have to draw the strip, merely describe the action and dialogue. (You may submit multiple entries, but you may not combine any of these characters into a single cartoon.) The winner will be announced next week, and will become the basis for a new contest. First-prize winner gets the spiffy new Edwin "Edwin" Aldrin G.I. Joe doll, by Hasbro, featuring a likeness of the first really dorky looking man to step on the moon. This is worth $50. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 332, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: loserswashpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Dire Encoded Warning That Still No One Heeds, Asleep as They Are in Their Beds, Unsuspecting, Living, Loving, Going On as Usual, was written by Alvin O. Marchonos of St. Petersburg, Fla. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 329, in which you were asked to find hidden messages in the names and titles of famous people or institutions. The best were the simplest. In order to obtain usable successions of letters, some entrants resorted to ridiculous contrivances, such as "Washington Mystics Roundball Player, Jordan-Like Chamique Holdsclaw." Such entries won nothing but our contempt. Fifth Runner-Up: Hillary Rodham Clinton, First lady -- Haha, N.Y. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Fourth Runner-Up: William Jefferson Clinton, President -- I am so into sin. (Barbara Gordon, Highland) Third Runner-Up: Russian President Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin -- Is drink, yes? (Shelby Sadler, Rockville) Second Runner-Up: Slobodan Milosevic -- Soon, I lose. (Chris Doyle, Rockville) First Runner-Up: Victoria's Secret Catalogues -- I see ta-tas. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the Elvis cologne: Immigration and Naturalization Service -- Adios. (Russ and Chrissy Haynes, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Warner Fortensky -- A lot of he's. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) William Henry Harrison -- Who? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Kate Moss -- Ate 0 (David Genser, Arlington; Susan Reese, Arlington) Monica Lewinsky -- Nice! (Wink.) (Chris Doyle, Rockville) Alexandra Stevenson -- Dr.'s Teen (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms -- Boom! (Susan Reese, Arlington) Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms -- Real, Cold Fear. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Charley Casserly, Washington Redskins General Manager -- Clearly sinking. (Drew Knoblauch, Reston) Prime Minister Ehud Barak -- I'm Mister Ed. (Martin Bredeck, Alexandria) Saddam Hussein -- A hun. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) J. Danforth Quayle -- DOH. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin -- Is not in. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Joey Buttafuoco -- Oaf (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals -- Lo-cal treat: animals. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) World Church of the Creator -- Old threat. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Kenneth Starr, Independent Counsel -- Spend tons. (Mary Lou French, Lorton) Marlon Brando -- Moo (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) The Artist Formerly Known as Prince -- Prince. (Patrick Hogan, Washington) Pamela Anderson -- Melon. (Jean Consolla, Alexandria) Talk show host and entertainer Rush Limbaugh -- Also, hot air bag. (Bob Garber, Lusby) Al Gore -- Al Gore. (David Genser, Arlington) President William Jefferson Clinton -- I will affront. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) President William Jefferson Clinton -- Id ill effect. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) William Jefferson Clinton, President -- Will I score? (Colm Kenny, Bethesda) William Jefferson Clinton -- Lie on 'n' on. (Peter Tutini, Bowie) Rookie of the Week: William Jefferson Clinton -- Will sin on. (Beverly Waldenfels, Annandale) Next Week: Nerd Planet From the Sun ====================================================================== WEEK 333, published August 1, 1999 Week 333: Get a Load of This Ta-Ta Diogenes Gump: He wanders the nation's capital, introducing himself to people. After he shakes your hand, you are compelled to tell the truth for 24 hours. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Dead Presidents Society: The ghosts of all the presidents haunt Washington, interacting, commenting on public events, modern morals, etc. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Bryan Winter, Scumball: Based on the cyber-cad who dumped his date via smug e-mail, this is the story of a government lawyer who is young, handsome, misogynistic and astonishingly insensitive. (David Genser, Arlington) Above and elsewhere on this page are the winners of last week's contest, in which you were invited to create an episode for a new comic strip. Your next assignment is to take this concept further, and submit more episodes for any of the three winning strips: "Diogenes Gump," "Bryan Winter, Scumball" or "Dead Presidents Society." Each gag should be contained in either three panels or four. Don't draw your entry, just describe the action and dialogue. In the first month of the new millennium, the Post will publish the results of this contest. It will be a first in American journalism: An entire comic strip, or comic strips, written by the readers. It may even become a regular feature. You must submit your entries to the usual addresses anytime before Nov. 15, but great cartoons will be identified and drawn as they arrive, so there is some advantage to speed. Meanwhile, Next Week's Contest is ... actually, there is no next week's contest. Folks, think of this as the first day of the rest of your life, or what would be your life if you had a life, which you obviously do not if you are a regular contributor to The Style Invitational. Beginning today, The Style Invitational goes on a six-month sabbatical, occasioned by The Washington Post's decision to herd the Czar and his family into a dank, windowless room and shoot them in the head with inefficient firearms. (Actually, The Post has dispatched the Czar on a special, secret half-year assignment; The Invitational goes on vacation because no one else possesses the vast talents necessary to replicate the Czar's wit and judgment, and also because no one, not even the janitor with the oceanic armpit stains and teeth that look like Fig Newtons, was willing to do it.) With the arrival of the new millennium, we may return with a new, invigorated Style Invitational, in a form yet to be determined. The Post's plans at this point are still as fluid as phlegm. The first-prize winner of the cartoon contest will win the best prize in our illustrious history. Several years ago, legendary Washington Post TV columnist John Carmody, the greatest and most eloquent curmudgeon who ever lived, received an elaborate, expensive freebie in the mail from some video production company. Carmody reacted in his typically understated fashion: He ranted and stormed and growled about the stupid sons of so-and-sos who thought he could be bought with some damned doodad, and ordered his assistant, David Jackson, to throw it out, burn it, consign the thing to the fires of Hell. Well, David could not bring himself to do this. Instead he gave it to the Czar, who hid it in his office. Months passed. The great John Carmody typed his final three dots, and died. More months passed. At last, it is Time. The winner of the cartoon contest will receive a sturdy, living-room-quality wood and canvas director's chair. On the back slat, in white paint, it says: "Carmody." This prize is priceless. All Runners-Up get the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen, plus the coveted Style Invitational Loser t-shirt. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries by Nov. 15 to The Style Invitational, Cartoonz, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: loserswashpost.com. E-mail users: In the subject field, please write "Cartoonz." Please include your postal address and phone number. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print is saddened to announce the death of The Ear No One Reads. The end came peacefully. The Ear's final words were: "Wait. I see something. It, it seems to be ... a light. A light at the end of ... a proctoscope." Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 330, in which we asked for some pronouncements in NerdSpeak, which is, basically, tedious nitpickery. Third Runner-up: The expression "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose" is woefully inaccurate. There is no physical barrier to picking the nose of another person. The barrier would be one of social acceptability. A more accurate statement would be "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you may not etc." (Jamie Eckman, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: One should not say "Today is my birthday," since a person has only one birthday, the very day he was born. More properly, one should say "Today is the anniversary of my birthday." Assuming, of course, it is the anniversary of one's birthday.(Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) First Runner-Up: Whenever a woman tells me that she loves me with all her heart, I patiently explain that the heart is an autonomic blood pump incapable of emotion, and that her statement is therefore without meaning. No woman has made that mistake with me twice. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of the Republican national convention memorabilia: NerdSpeak? I think not. Really, you are talking about pedants, not nerds. A pedant is obsessively and needlessly precise about the smallest of details. A nerd, on the other hand, while adept technically, is often inarticulate and uncommunicative. You should distinguish clearly between the terms. (Marcia Reecer, Washington) Honorable mentions: When you arrive with a guest and knock at the door, and the host inquires who it is, you must not respond "It's us." You must use the nominative plural of the pronoun, and you have to change both "it" and "is" to agree, whether or not you retain the contraction. Hence, you must say, "They are we." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Technically, one's favorite show is not "on" TV. A television is essentially a cathode-ray tube that sends a stream of electrons flying through a vacuum and hitting a phosphor-coated screen at the other end. The show is broadcast by the selective illumination of the phosphor, on the inner surface of the screen. Ergo, a show is "in" TV. (Michael Jahr, Washington) "All-Beef" hot dogs are mislabeled. The FDA allows for 12 parts per million insect bodies, rodent hair and fecal matter in these products. Neither rodents nor insects are beef. The hot dogs should be relabeled "Ninety-Nine-Point-Nine-Nine-Eight-Eight Percent Beef." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Thad Humphries, Warrenton) Those little white packets next to the NutraSweet should not be labeled "sugar." They should say "sucrose." Sugar could refer to glucose, or maltose or lactose, etc. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) The best part of the Fourth of July is to bring a stopwatch to the fireworks, calibrated to the hundredth of a second, and then measure the time delay between the light flash and the sound of the explosion, and calculate distance to point of origin using 1,225 kilomters per hour as the speed of sound and then repeating the procedure from various locations. (Peter Hughes, Washington) I just don't see the humor in the question "If nothing can stick to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to a frying pan?" After all, any densely packed short-chain polymer will form a strong covalent bond with metallic surfaces if it is applied in a thin film at high temperatures. (Malcolm Visser, Burke) Once and for all, the chant is "Two, four, six, eight, whom do we appreciate?" (Joseph Romm, Washington) Instead of RBIs, the baseball statistic should really be expressed RsBI. (Martin Bredeck, Alexandria) Hemingway's novel shouldn't have been titled "The Sun Also Rises," but "The Earth Also Rotates." (Martin Bredeck, Alexandria) Rookie of the Week: When Bart Simpson says "Don't have a cow, man," he is misspeaking. He should really say "Don't have a calf, man." (Bill Kabeiseman, Portland, Ore.) Next Week: Getting a Life MORE 332 WINNERS Diogenes Gump, by Meg Sullivan, Potomac First panel: a sign on a shop, "DISTRICT BOOKS". In the window, "TODAY, MISS MANNERS BOOKS SIGNING". A shadow figure holding up a lamp approaches. Second panel: The figure, robed philosopher Diogenes, greets the Miss Manners: "Hi, I don't actually want a book, I just wanted to shake your hand." Third panel: Miss Manners reacts with confusion: "ZOIK!" Fourth panel: Miss Manners screams at Diogenes: "You think I'm at this crummy bookstore to meet idiots like you? Buy a book, ya cheap bumpkin!" Fifth panel: Store proprietor intervenes: "Uh, perhaps you'd like to take a little break, Miss Manners?" Miss Manners: "Bite me." Dead Presidents Society: The ghosts al all the presidents haunt Washington, interacting, commenting on public events, modern morals, etc. Dead Presidents Society, by Art Grinath, Takoma Park First panel: The ghost of Richard Nixon lifts the wallet of a passerby. Second panel: The ghost takes a bag of money from the back of a Brinks truck, while a guard stands by, looking the other way. Third panel: The ghost poses behind his pile of loot: "OK, maybe I AM a crook." Bryan Winter, Scumball: Based on the cyber-cad who dumped his date via smug e-mail, this is the story of a government lawyer who is young, handsome, misogynistic and astonishingly insensitive. Bryan Winter, by David Genser, Arlington First panel: Bryan at dinner: "So then I said to the Commissioner, 'Listen, babe ...". His date thinks: 'Oh, brother!' [chew chew] Second panel: Date chokes on food: "GAG WHEEZE COUGH ACK!" Third panel: Date collapses backward: "GAAaaaaaaa THIUD!" Fourth panel: Busty blond approaches the table: "Hi, are you alone?" Bryan, while first dates lies expiring, "I am NOW, babe!" ====================================================================== WEEK 334, published January 30, 2000 (Week 334) It's Back; After seven months in exile, the world's weirdest weekly contest returns. Will the Czar be shot? You decide. A candid letter to the readers of The Washington Post: Seven months ago, we suspended The Style Invitational, the irreverent humor contest that ran each Sunday on Page F2 under the direction of an unnamed, all-powerful and highly eccentric Czar. The contest was six years old; we said its future was uncertain. In letters and phone calls--many of them impassioned--you persuaded us to bring this feature back. It begins anew, today. But we have a lingering doubt. For years we had sensed that there was some dissatisfaction with the tone of the Invitational; that as popular as it was, it left some readers feeling marginalized, trivialized, even offended. To some, the Czar of The Style Invitational seemed unnecessarily confrontational and rude. We wondered if the feature needed an overhaul--a fundamental change in tone or content. This being America, and this being a political year, we decided to do the American political thing. We are putting it to a vote. Your vote. You will help decide whether to keep The Style Invitational in its familiar form or to alter it in some way. You will do this by voting for one of six possible editors: The current Czar or any of five worthy competitors. Each candidate has been given space below to explain his version of The Invitational, and how it would work, and propose the first contest. To vote for one of the editors, you must enter that candidate's contest. As always, you will have a week and a day to get your entries in; however, we will be making an initial cut next week, winnowing the field to two finalists. (It's sort of like the presidential primaries.) So, to make your initial vote count in the primary, enter on or before this Tuesday. You may enter more than one contest, and you may enter each as many times as you wish; your vote will go to the contest for which you submit the most entries. Submit your entries via fax at 202-334-4312, or by e-mail at loserswashpost.com, or by mail to The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Final deadline is Monday, Feb. 7. If you are less than 6 months old or for some other reason do not remember The Style Invitational, we reprise a few past contest results on this page. Candidate 1: The Uncle of The Style Invitational: I would like to build on the past successes of The Style Invitational by retaining all its "fun" aspects but with a more friendly, family-style emphasis. My goal is that The Style Invitational becomes one more neighborhood in our great, large community of readers. Here's my first contest: Let's take some delicious "potshots" at those annoying little irritations of modern life. For example: I don't really understand all those "e" terms like "e-mail" and "e-business." They make me want to scream "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" I would also always explain the winning joke, for the benefit of those who might not get it. The above joke, for example, employs juxtapositional irony in that it complains about the use of the "e" term while simultaneously utilizing the "e" term in the complaint. But I'm betting you can do better than that! To be completely fair, the published winners will be selected at random from all entries. First-prize winner receives a six-month subscription to Reader's Digest. Let's get those pencils out! Candidate 2: The Senior Account Executive of The Style Invitational: In order to better serve you, the reader, I believe The Style Invitational must more effectively integrate the commercial and journalistic functions of the newspaper. Accordingly, each of my contests will be carefully crafted to complement an advertisement contained elsewhere in that day's paper; the bigger the ad, the more enthusiastic the contest. This will have the dual advantage of entertaining you, the reader, while simultaneously acquainting you with a magical world of goods and services available locally at affordable prices. For example, today we run the following contest: Write an amusing poem extolling the advantages of shopping at some store that heavily advertises in The Post, rather than its competitors. Example: Giant is so very fine. Its shelves are filled with tasty stuff. Unlike Costco or Food Lion, Whose aisles don't seem wide enough. To this store that's just so neat I raise a Melba toast Let's buy those Giant hanks of meat As seen in The Washington Post. The winner will receive a family-size four-pound shrink-wrapped package of sup'r fresh lo-fat chicken breasts. Candidate 3: The Mother Superior of The Style Invitational: Sit up straight and listen carefully: Week after week The Style Invitational should be an opportunity, not unlike confession, to avoid the near-occasion of sin and instead cleanse our filthy, dirty souls rather than becoming the plaything of Satan, who tricks us by making us laugh at poopie jokes until we become his for all eternity. IS THAT GUM IN YOUR MOUTH? WHILE PAGAN CHILDREN ARE STARVING ALL OVER THE WORLD? PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE YOUR LIPS STAPLED SHUT? Our assignment today is: What does God look like? I happen to think He looks exactly like the old Czar doesn't. DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING FUNNY TO SAY? WHY DON'T YOU SHARE IT WITH EVERYONE? Thank you. The winner gets a hair shirt. Candidate 4: El Jefe de El Nuevo Invitacional de Estilo: El problema principal de The Style Invitational es la falta de diversidad. En la vida, es necesario celebrar nuestras diferencias. The Style Invitational nunca crea concursos para personas que hablan espanol (o griego o frances o italiano), o personas que viven en iglues, o personas de paises que no tienen electricidad, o personas que usan ropa de piel de yak, o personas que viven en carceles, o personas que sufren de reflujo acido, o personas que prefieren la compania de ovejas, o personas que no tienen dientes, o personas que viven en un pulmon de acero. El primer concurso del Nuevo Invitacional de Estilo (respondan unicamente en espanol o griego o frances o italiano, por favor): Invente un juego mas aburrido que el futbol. Por ejemplo, el juego de "codobol." En este juego, la pelota es de goma, y parece un platano. No se permite tocar la pelota con ninguna parte del cuerpo excepto el codo, y todos los partidos terminan en empate, cero a cero. !Ja ja ja ja ja ja! El primer premio es un burro. Candidate 5: The Bubba of The Style Invitational: El Jefe can kiss my big round red butt. First off, it's not The Invitational anymore, it's the Jamboree. And it's not "Style," which sounds pantywaist. The American Jamboree is open to everyone, even foreigners and women. Each week, the contest will find some way of making fun of foreigners and women. This week's contest: Name something that a foreigner or a woman would be better at than a real American man. Answer: Looking stupid. First-prize winner gets a boob job for his wife. Candidate 6: The Czar of The Style Invitational: If I am fortunate enough to receive your vote and your trust, I will do my best to earn them. I will continue the contest pretty much the old way, with an emphasis on excretory functions, scabrous character assassinations and a general attitude of anarchy and ill will. In a sense, The Invitational will continue to be a celebration of negativity and cynicism, and I will try to retain the same smug, elitist tone. In judging the contest, I will continue to disproportionately reward the same 30 or 40 people, on the theory that they are much funnier and more talented than you are. Also, our prizes will still suck. Week I: Here is this week's contest: Come up with alternative characters to replace The Czar as head of The Style Invitational. Describe his title, his plan for how to change The Style Invitational, and propose a contest he might create, with a winning entry. Example: Sorry, I can't think of a good example right now. First-prize winner gets a genuine Sea Monkey circus. The Czar chose this prize after receiving one for Christmas from his children. He has spent countless hours watching the spunky little critters, who remind him that all life has dignity, even little wads of crap that look like phlegm riding bicycles. To hear the translation of The Jefe's platform, call Post-Haste at 202-334-9000 and touch category 8184. The Invitational's Historic Moments Some past Style Invitational winners: From Week 44, a contest to come up with "Tom Swiftly" adverbs: "We take stealing very seriously," Saddam Hussein said offhandedly. (Harold Kerr, Washington; J. Neil Killalea, Falls Church) "Well, at least she didn't cut off everything," John Bobbitt said testily. (Leonard Greenberg, Herndon) "We didn't inhale," declared Bill and Hillary jointly. (Mrs. Airey's English classes, St. Andrew's Episcopal School, Bethesda) From Week 52, a contest to come up with inappropriate celebrity endorsements: Adm. Bobby Ray Inman for Chicken of the Sea (Roy Highburg, Bentonville, Va.) The Jackson family for Chock Full O'Nuts (Nick Dierman, Potomac) John Wayne Bobbitt for Microsoft (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) From Week 93, a contest to beg for that week's prize, a taxidermized mongoose. This was the entry that won the mongoose: All I really want is a runner-up T-shirt, but like women everywhere, to get what I want I have to fake it. So let me say I want that repulsive mongoose. Yes, I want it, I need it bad, I love it. Please, please give it to me. Give it to me now, baby, now, ooooooh baby. (Judith Daniel, Washington) From Week 151, a contest to come up with bad ideas for a new cartoon for the comics pages: Replace "B.C." with "P.C.," a cartoon that avoids humor that might offend women, minorities, foreigners, fat people, old people, gay people, or people with substance-abuse problems or speech impediments or congenital handicaps or any other physical condition or behavioral anomaly that might otherwise be subject to uncharitable stereotyping. The strip is as funny as an embolism. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Replace "Peanuts" with "Prunes," a strip about doddering oldsters who think, talk and act like children. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) From Week 194, a contest to come up with bad Ann Landers answers to one of several questions we provided: Q: My daughter and son-in-law are always asking me to baby-sit my grandchildren. How can I graciously let them know they are taking advantage of me? Signed, Grumpy. Dear Grumpy: Say nothing. Place large dog cages in your living room, each labeled with the name of a grandchild. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) From Week 216, a contest to mate any two Triple Crown qualifying horses and come up with a name for their foal: Breed Ghost Ranch with Tale of the Cat and name the foal Boo Hiss. (Kim Martin, Ebensburg, Pa.) Breed Emailit with Imgreektoo and name the foal Imgeektoo. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Breed The Toy Man with Hail the Hero and name the foal F.A.O. Schwarzkopf. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Breed Yeti with White Bronco and name the foal Abominable Slowman. (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.) From Week 243, in which you were asked to write a poem eulogizing someone who had died the previous year: Jacques Cousteau: The knit cap lies empty on the deck, The once-proud ship feels like a wreck. At his request, his last remains Will now become the ocean's gains. With tear of eye and roll of drum, We feed the sharks. Farewell, old chum.(Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) And Week 310, when we asked for bad similes: "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. (John Kammer, Herndon) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Send Us Ideas, or We Shoot This Strip Last year, Style Invitational contestants came up with the concept for a comic strip called "Dead Presidents." In it, the ghosts of deceased chief executives wander Washington offering insights and comments on modern America. Readers also submitted 200 proposed three- or four-panel strips, six of which were selected for publication. They will run one per week beginning today. Will they continue? It depends on you. We have an itchy trigger finger, but are willing to keep it running if enough good ideas come in in the next six weeks. You don't have to draw the pictures, just send a description of what the panels should look like and what they should say to: Dead Presidents, Style, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or by e-mail to loserswashpost.com. Winning entries will earn their creators at least a few minutes of valuable satisfaction. Today's episode, Harry Truman Meets Hillary Clinton, wins the grand prize from Style Invitational Week 333, Jack Carmody's director's chair. First panel: Truman: "Hello, Hillary. I'm Harry S. Truman. I'm the guy who mad the decision to drop the 'Fat Man'" Second panel: Hillary: "Yeah, but I'LL have to wait until AFTER the Senate race!" ====================================================================== WEEK 335, published February 6, 2000 The Style Invitational; Week II (335): A Lover's Spat A note to the readers from the editors of The Washington Post: Last week, six candidates made their bids to be the editor of the new Style Invitational. With your votes, you have narrowed the field to two finalists: The Uncle of The Style Invitational, who plans a more friendly, life-affirming, family-oriented contest, without losing the old contest's sense of "fun"; and, The Czar of The Style Invitational, who refuses to consider any changes from the vulgar, leprous format of the past, drenched as it was in negativity and cynicism. That was the primary. Now comes the general election. The Washington Post will remain officially neutral, trusting in the decency of the American people, confident that they love their children and will do what is necessary to safeguard them from debasing and corrupting influences. To decide this contest, we have created a sudden-death playoff, a "toss-up" question. We are challenging each candidate to design a contest around the same subject. As Valentine's Day approaches, we ask them to turn their attentions to . . . love. To vote, you must enter the contest that is run by the editor of your choice. If you enter both contests, then specify which editor you prefer. All entries must be received by Valentine's Day, Feb. 14. Send your entries via e-mail to loserswashpost.com, or fax them to 202-334-4312, or mail them to The Style Invitational, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Be sure to include your name, address, and a daytime or evening phone number. E-mailed entries must include the Week Number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post, which reserves the right to edit them for taste or content. The Uncle of the Style Invitational: First, I would like to thank you all for your heartwarming show of support. And might I take this opportunity to share with you a photo of my family? (The little twins, Dorcas and Throckmorton, are quite the dickens.) My contest this week: Propose amusing and/or surprising ways in which a man might tell his wife he loves her on Valentine's Day. Example: He could tell her that he got her nothing for Valentine's Day. But after a brief interval (he should not make this too long at the risk of genuinely hurting her feelings) he could present her with a ring. Then he could explain, holding up the circle of the ring, that it really looks like a big zero, in other words . . . nothing!(The joke here is that, after initially disappointing her, he actually gives her a nice present that could be defined as "nothing" only through a mischievous bit of wordplay.) The first-prize winner gets a mince pie baked by my wife. The Czar of The Style Invitational: Well, here's a photo of my family. My contest this week: Coo badly. Come up with some inept "sweet nothings"--graceless terms of endearment. Examples: Your teeth are like pearls with fillings. I want to hug you so hard your bladder bursts. Oh, Duane, Duane, Duane, hold me like there was no tomorrow, Duane, buffet me like the howling winds of a hurricane of the soul, take me, Duane, and own me. I mean, Wally. You get me as excited as a second-grader yelling, "ooh, ooh, I know, I know . . . " First-prize winner gets a genuine Buzz Aldrin action figure, from the G.I. Joe Classics collection. DEAD PRESIDENTS, by Jennifer Hart, Arlington First panel: Ghost of Lincoln: "If we're still here as ghosts, then reincarnation must NOT exist!" Ghost of Teddy Roosevelt: "Perhaps we Presidents have progresses as far as life forms CAN!" Second panel: Ghost of Nixon strides past. Third panel: Lincoln and Roosevelt: "Nah!" SEND IS IDEAS, OR THESE GHOSTS ARE HISTORY This is Week 2 of our reader-generated cartoon strip, "Dead Presidents." In it, the ghosts of deceased chief executives wander Washington interacting with modern America. Will they continue to haunt us? It depends on you. We're ready and willing to exorcise this strip unless so many great ideas come in we can't bear to pull the trigger. You don't have to draw the pictures, just send a description if what the panels should look like and what they should say to: Dead Presidents, Style, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Winning entries will earn their creators at least a few minutes of valuable satisfaction. ====================================================================== WEEK 336, published February 13, 2000 WEEK III (336): THE "STY"LE INVITATIONAL "Man"tra--Beer and broads. Beer and broads. Beer and broads. "Metro"nome--That repetitive woman's voice that admonishes you to stand clear of the doors. "Gal"axy--A bevy of female film stars. Ex"clam"ation--The phlegmy sound one makes when startled while drinking liquid. "Cop"ulation--Sex with handcuffs. Mans"laugh"ter--Accidentally killing someone by giving him a noogie. Okay, "we" are back. You voted for The Czar of The Style Invitational over The Uncle of The Style Invitational. But the voting was closer than we'd hoped, and we are humbled. Therefore The Czar has decided to make a fundamental change in the contest. Starting next week, he will permit The Uncle to choose one winner a week: The single entry that best typifies The Uncle's philosophy of humor, which is a rejection of cynicism in favor of nice, pleasant, family-style, nonaggressive, life-affirming, G-rated, aw-shucks, vanilla-tofu-flavored jokes. This single entry will be labeled "The Uncle's Pick," and it will represent the very best in humor for the new, non-jaded, non-confrontational millennium. The Uncle will, of course, always explain the joke, for those who might not get it. (You don't have to specify which entries are for The Uncle: He will find them, whether they're intended for his eyes, or not.) The Uncle's Pick will win a special "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. We came up with this week's contest recently when arriving at the final line of a story on Page A1 of The Post. The last item on the page was "arse-" and then the story jumped, and as we were leafing to the new page, our imagination, as you can imagine, was working overtime, and by the time we got to ". . . nal" inside, this contest took shape. The contest: Choose any word and emphasize a single part of it, as though you were saying the word out loud with "air quotes" around the key part. Then redefine the word, as in the examples above. (You cannot alter the spelling of the word.) The first-prize winner gets a magnificent Hairshirt, along with a matching Guilt Sweatband and Guilt Tote Bag, all generously donated to The Style Invitational by Carl Segal, president of the Hirsute Hairshirt Co. of Columbia. These exquisitely uncomfortable but nicely tailored raw burlap shirts (and accessories) look like hell and smell like turpentine. They come with a little booklet on how to use them to atone for sins (Put them on, for example, when telephoning your mother, whom you have not seen in way too long.) We hereby highly recommend the Hirsute Hairshirt as a thoughtful gift for that special person in your life for Lent, Ramadan or Yom Kippur. They're worth $50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up, and the Uncle's Pick, win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to loserswashpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week III, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20871. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in three weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Weeks I and II, in which several candidates, who have since met with tragic accidents, vied to be the editor of The Style Invitational. They each proposed contests, and each received many entries. No first-prize winners were awarded, but several merited mention: For the contest proposed by the would-be Senior Account Executive of The Style Invitational: Create a verse that extols the virtues of some big Post advertiser while unfairly criticizing its competitors: The clothes at Nordstrom and at Sears Fit bigger gals: no sveltes-wear. I need a place for smaller rears. Why the Hecht shop elsewhere? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) To find size 4, not 27 Is my prayer to the mall-store goddess. To find myself a fashion heaven With clothes that fit my bodice. I feel that Hecht's will disappoint, Its stock seems drab and dated. And Bloomie's ain't my kind of joint My clothes needs there? Unsated. So with coupons for the three-day sale From Washington Post (plus mailer), For prices far below retail I head for Lord & Taylor. (Jay Snyder, Chantilly) For the contest proposed by the would-be Bubba of The Style Invitational: Things that a woman or a foreigner would be better at than a Real American Man. Performing at the Winter Olympics Opening Ceremonies (Gwen Runion, Leonardtown, Md.) Having foreign babies. (Ed Mickolus, Dunn Loring) Getting drunk off of one beer. (Marsh Holmes, Alexandria) Incomprehensible yammering. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Riding the No. 7 train in New York (John Rocker, Atlanta; Meg Sullivan, Potomac; Ken Kaufman, Derwood) Making completely sure the traffic light is really green and is going to stay really green before proceeding through the intersection. (Elliott Jaffa, Arlington) For the contest proposed by the Mother Superior of The Style Invitational, in which you answer the question: What does God look like? God looks like Art Buchwald, who is just like God in that a lot of people don't understand that he's trying to be funny. (Bill Moulden, Frederick) And finally, for the contest proposed by El Jefe of The Style Invitational, who wrote entirely in Spanish. The contest called for people to come up with a game even more boring than soccer. We received a number of responses, some in Spanish, some in French and some in Italian, but the best came en masse from members of Ms. Price's Spanish 3 class at Patuxent High School in Calvert County. We translated for you. We are certain these are fine young Americans, but we hereby urge Ms. Price to make sure they take their medication daily. Fleaball: This is a Canadian game in which the object is to pick as many fleas as you can off a fat bloodhound. You have 10 minutes. Each flea is worth one point. Because it's played in Canada, there are no fleas and everyone loses. (Cesar Kaumeyer, Mario Keirle, and Richard Eschelman) Treeball: This game is played in a 70,000-seat stadium. There are two teams of nine people, but only eight can play at the same time. Each team receives seeds and water. The object is to grow a tree 50 feet tall. (E.D. Catterton, Jesus Roach and Charles Schrumpf) Bigball: This is a variation on golf, except the ball is bigger than the hole. No one ever leaves the first green. (Angela Clark, Brad Turner and Isabel Hiben) ====================================================================== WEEK 337, published February 20, 2000 Week IV (337): Degrees of Difficulty Boiling Rabbits. Used to estimate a girlfriend's potential "fatal attraction" quotient should you break up. Zero boiling rabbits: Girlfriend finds an unfamiliar bra under your couch, assumes you have some good reason for it, forgets to ask. Four boiling rabbits: You laugh at the cute waitress's joke, girlfriend excuses herself to go outside and key your car. Angle of Fascist Salute. Used to quantify a person's right-wing fanaticism. 20-degree salute: Believes all Americans should have the right to carry a handgun. 80-degree salute: Believes anyone who does not believe the above should be shot. Blood From Heart. Used to quantify a person's left-wing fanaticism. One drop: Thinks Elian should live in Cuba. Full gush: Thinks we all should live in Cuba. This week's contest: Awarding things one through four stars is just plain boring. Propose an alternative rating system. Take a quality you wish to quantify and devise the perfect icon to measure it. (You don't have to draw your icon -- just tell us what it is.) Then give us an example of the extremes, as in the examples above. Your subject matter can be anything that can be quantified by degree. First prize winner gets a G.I. Joe limited-edition foot-tall Buzz Aldrin action figure, a value of $50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Yes, you pathetic weenies who complained, we are still giving out bumper stickers for honorable mentions. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week IV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. The newspaper reserves the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in three weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week I (334), in which you were asked to come up with a replacement for The Czar of The Style Invitational, name him, describe how he or she would change the contest, and give an example of one contest with the selected winner. * Third Runner-Up: The Chief Economist of The Style Invitational He is astoundingly cautious. Sample Contest: Explain funny ways the Louisiana Purchase affected the U.S. economy. Winner: It's too soon to tell. (David Genser, Arlington) * Second Runner-Up: The Micromanager of The Style Invitational I will personally supervise all of you as you write your submissions, hovering over you and correcting all immaterial mistakes while leaving you to create anything of substance. I will then publish your entries under my name. Sample Contest: Write something. To ask me to elaborate is the sign of a bad employee. An example is out of the question; I simply don't have the time. Now hop to it. Winner: I'll know it when I see it. (Eliza Wealth, Falls Church) * First Runner-Up: The Miss Manners of The Style Invitational Sample Contest: Apres tennis, you are having a light luncheon with friends and suddenly realize that the waiter has served you a large platter of moist, steaming horse manure. How do you handle the situation? Winner: By using your petite Victorian manure-dipping spoon, traditionally located above your plate next to the toenail fork. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * And the winner of the Sea Monkey Circus: The Kansas School Board of The Style Invitational It's a committee of prune-faced elders who would ensure that all contest humor adheres to paleo-orthodox dogma. Sample Contest: Pre-modernist jokes. Winner: Charles Darwin walks into a bar. A cathedral falls on him. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * Honorable Mentions: The New Owner of The Style Invitational There are going to be some changes around here. First, no more more part-timers. You people are going to have to demonstrate some real commitment if you want to be part of this team. No entering only occasionally. You either play for me every week or you don't play for me at all. Sample Contest: Think of other ways to milk revenue out of this feature. Winner: "The FedEx Invitational." (Don Cooper, Burke) The Insufferable Wit of The Style Invitational He rewards only appalling displays of pretension. Sample Contest: Tell a joke beginning with "Did you hear about ..." Winner: Did you hear about the two philosophers who lived next door to each other but couldn't get along? They were arguing from different premises! (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) The Hound of The Style Invitational A ferocious nocturnal howling beast from Hell. The only thing that makes him different from The Czar is his disciplined system of rewards and punishments. Winners get to go for a walk. Runners-up get their throats torn out. Sample Contest: Canine Hygiene Products. Winner: Gee Your Butt Smells Terrific! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) The Grand Regis of the Who Wants to Win The Style Invitational He is very enthusiastic. His contests are all multiple-choice, and not very difficult. Sample Contest: Name a children's book you will never see.(a.) "The Cat in the Hat." (b.) "Mother Goose." (c.) "Goodnight Moon." (d.) "Adultery Is Not Just for Adults." (Howard Walderman, Columbia) The President of The Style Invitational. This Week's Contest: I think you know what you have to do to win. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) The International Olympic Committee of The Style Invitational We are humor experts from all over the world who will work in harmony to judge this contest. Extra credit will be given for funny entries that celebrate and cherish the ethnic diversity of our vast global community. Sample Contest: "Committee members need college tuition for their kids, lavish trips, fast cars, and big honkin' diamonds and rubies. Can you help us out?" Winner: "Yes, I can." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Grandmother of The Style Invitational All entries will be judged winners and each winner will receive a nickel. There will only be one nickel awarded per contestant regardless of the number of entries submitted or printed, as 5 cents is a lot of money and you should probably think about saving it for college one day. This Week's Contest: Give Grandma a kiss. (John Kammer, Herndon) THE GEEZER OF THE STYLE INVITATIONAL -- MY CONTEST WILL APPEAR IN LARGE, EASY-TO-READ TYPE, AND IT WILL MINE THE "GOOD OLD DAYS" OF VAUDEVILLE FOR CLASSIC HUMOR. SUBMIT ALL YOUR ENTRIES BY 6 P.M., BECAUSE I GO TO BED AT 7 AND RISE WITH THE CHICKENS, BY CRACKY. Sample Contest: COME UP WITH A JOKE THAT A WHIPPERSNAPPER WOULDN'T GET. WINNER: WHY WAS RUFUS AFRAID TO USE THE OUTHOUSE? BECAUSE HE WAS TOO MUCH OF A PUSHOVER. SUBMIT YOUR ENTRIES BY TELEGRAM. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Niels Hoven, Houston) The Pope of The Style Invitational. What elevates him above The Czar is that he infallibly picks the funniest entries. Also, he substitutes the papal "we" for that pretentious editorial "we." Sample Contest: Bad product endorsements. Winner: Saint Augustine of Hippo for Weight Watchers. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * The Uncle's Pick: (This week The Uncle selects an entry from his own Week I contest, which was to come up with a pet peeve.) My computer is always saying "You've got mail," but when I go outside to check, the mailbox is empty. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) The Uncle explains: This is not "funny," but it is "interesting." Fact is, this happens to me as well! Sounds like some neighborhood hooligans are stealing your mail. Please contact your postmaster immediately. Next Week: Not-So-Sweet Nothings DEAD PRESIDENTS, by Tom Shroder, Vienna First panel: Charlie Brown is preparing to set a football for a kicker: "Now that I'm a ghost, I can finally have a little fun!" Second panel: He has set the ball: "Don't worry! I won't pull it away!" Third panel: He pulls the ball away as the ghost of Richard Nixon rushes through, missing the kick: "AUGH!" Fourth panel: Charlie: "Pretty tricky, eh, Dick?" Ghost, flat on ground: "Good grief! I'm in hell!" Don't let Dead Presidents die! Send you ideas (describe, don't draw) to: Dead Presidents, Style, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. ====================================================================== WEEK 338, published February 27, 2000 Week V (338): WHO WANTS TO WIN A TOILET? "Who Wants to Brush the Teeth of a Homicidal Pit Bull?" "Who Wants a Hamburger?" Contestants will each be given a chainsaw, a Weber gas grill, a meat grinder, and a live cow . . . "Abortion Auction!" The Fox crew would bring a tuxedoed multi-millionaire to an abortion clinic waiting room. He would offer any woman in there $2,000 to give her baby up for adoption instead. Then he would slowly raise the stakes by increments of $ 1,000 until someone agreed. Hugs and tears all around! "Who Doesn't Want to Marry Rick Rockwell?" For a Free Isuzu Trooper and chance to get on national TV, 50 beautiful women get to quiz the square-jawed millionaire, who is dressed in a thong bathing suit, about his dreams and desires. They compete to ask him the most insulting and degrading questions so he won't be attracted to them. One by one, he eliminates the contestants until, in the end, he takes his unlucky bride. And then lets the air out of the tires of her new Trooper. This Week's Contest: Propose even greater depths of shameless, tasteless sleaze to which Fox TV is likely to sink after the noisome debacle of "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" First-prize winner does not get a Buzz Aldrin doll. Last week, in the first major error of The Restoration, we promised a prize that had already been offered. So, for the record, the winner of last week's contest will get a second Genuine Hair Shirt, worth $50, and the winner of this contest, Week V, receives a toilet bank that makes a real flushing noise when a coin is deposited, a value of $ 25. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week V, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. All entries must be received by Monday, March 6. Please include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in three weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week II (335), in which you were asked to come up with inept romantic sentiments for Valentine's Day. * Third Runner-Up: If we were cockroaches, I'd want to have all 456,938 of your children. (Don Cooper, Burke) * Second Runner-Up: I love you for what's inside, except of course the chewed food sitting in your digestive tract in various stages of decomposition. (Niels Hoven, Houston) * First Runner-Up: Baby, one of these days I'm going to marry a woman a lot like you.(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * And the winner of the one-of-a-kind battery-operated Buzz Aldrin action figure: My darling, when assisted by highly supportive undergarments and, after factoring in the inevitable results of pregnancies combined with a genetic disposition toward excess weight in the hips and buttocks, for which you must be held blameless, you are still a strikingly lovely woman when compared with others in your age group. (Ben F. Noviello, Fairfax) * Honorable Mentions: When I look in your eyes, I see the depth of your love. The width I hope will become apparent later, resulting in many more cubic feet of love. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I love you as much as Captain Kirk loved the Joan Collins character in the episode titled "City on the Edge of Forever," whom he had to let die in order to prevent her from slowing our entry into World War II and thereby allowing the Nazis to win the war. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Ooh, baby, if sex appeal were campaign funds, you'd be George W. Bush. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Your skin is as fair as Judge Wapner is fair. (Mike Genz, La Plata) My love for you will grow forever, the way a tumor continues to multiply in size indefinitely, or at least until it gets to be the size of a cantaloupe. (Malcolm Visser, Clifton) Your kisses are sweeter than wine, but without the paper bag. (Darcy Burrow, Great Mills) I ache for your touch and want to make love to you as soon as the Redskins go up by two touchdowns. (David Genser, Columbia; Charlie Myers, Laurel) You make me want to stalk you exclusively. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Please accept the enclosed as a token of my love. (V. van Gogh, Arles; Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) You make me forget about all the other women I have known, including Sarah Weintraub. (Mike Genz, La Plata) I love you so much I will stop all negative advertising if you will. (Joseph Romm, Washington) I will love you for quite some time. (Mike Genz, La Plata) I am irrationally exuberant for you in the third quarter of my fiscal life, with rising indicators. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Seeing you gives me a lump in my throat, but it is a good lump, kind of like a Pez dispenser when you tilt its head back and it has this big thing sticking out of its throat, but instead of being really disgusting it's really cool candy. And you're like the candy, really cool, plus sometimes the dispensers are worth a lot of money. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Kiss it. (William J. Clinton, Washington; Meg Sullivan, Potomac) You are as sweet as dried prunes. (Mike Genz, La Plata) You've got it all, babe -- friction and viscosity. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) My love for you runs hotter than a '74 Nova with a V-8 engine and a busted water pump. (Don Cooper, Burke) You're really somethin', and that ain't just the beer talking. (John Kammer, Herndon) Size doesn't really matter, honey. Obviously. (Susan Devore, Gaithersburg) Your eyes are like limpid pools of blue Ty-D-Bol water. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) You're almost as sexy as the chicks in my computer games. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) When I see you my heart almost skips a beat. It would skip a beat except as you know my pacemaker will not let it skip a beat. (Richard Kenney, Falls Church) I want to stay in bed with you forever, except of course to pee. (Malcolm Visser, Clifton) Your eyes sparkle like Coleman lanterns with newly installed mantles. (William M. Powell, Harlingen, Tex.) You know how you feel when "Federal Government -- Closed" shows up on the list of snow closings on TV? That's how you make me feel. (Mary Jo Clark, Alexandria) Darling, you make me as hot as those hand dryers in a turnpike restroom. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) Your eyes are like two pools, after the pool guy cleans them. (Darcy Burrow, Great Mills) Your skin is as smooth as Formica. (Rick Sasaki, Arlington) Oh, Stuart! Ride me like the horsies in front of the Kmart! (Kim Hampton, Waldorf) I'd love to put you through the agony of childbirth. (David Genser, Columbia) I love you for your mind. The mind is somewhere up above the jugs, right? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Your limp is like a pool of eyelids. (David Genser, Columbia) You are my love. You are my life. I would be honored if you would spend the rest of your life with me. Will you marry me? (Note: I have been told this is very romantic, but the women I say it to on the subway don't seem to think so.) (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) I get a warm tingling sensation when you're near me. In fact, it's the same feeling I'd get if the Uncle of the Style Invitational dropped dead. (Tara Parker, Gaithersburg) * The Uncle's Pick: (This week The Uncle chooses the best response to his own Week II contest, which called for amusingly delightful surprise Valentine's gifts a man might give his wife.) He gives her a washing machine. He waits for that slight involuntary look of disappointment, then he smiles indulgently and softly tells her to open the lid. She opens the lid, and snakes fly out! Then, oh so gently, he urges her to take another look inside. It's filled with nice lingerie! But the lingerie is soiled! He has stepped on it with muddy boots! So he give her one last gift: a box of Tide! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Parl) (The Uncle explains: Women love surprises, and this is just one gag after another.) Next Week: The "Sty"le Invitational DEAD PRESIDENTS, by Bill Strider, Gaithersburg First panel: The ghosts of Lincoln, McKinley, and Kennedy are before a door; sign on the door: WELCOME ASSASSINATED PRESIDENTS. McKinley: "Wow! This sure is nice of the Style Invitational to sponsor a tribute to us! Second panel: Kennedy: "I dunno, McKinley -- I don't trust these guys -- they always go for the cheap, stupid laugh" Third panel: The door opens to reveal the ghost of Garfield, the cat. Don't let Dead Presidents die! Send you ideas (describe, don't draw) to: Dead Presidents, Style, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. ====================================================================== WEEK 339, published March 5, 2000 The Style Invitational; Week VI (339): Campaignful Developments The candidate arrives for the big debate in pajamas, and is chewing gum. With six crucial upcoming primaries, the campaign announces that, for strategic reasons, it will be concentrating on American Samoa. The candidate's spouse files for divorce. The campaign schedules a press conference to announce an endorsement by Adam Sandler. This Week's Contest: We thought of this contest after noticing that 1) Bill Bradley has not only stopped smiling but has actually adopted a shambling, disconsolate slouch, like Maynard G. Krebs, and 2) John McCain, in a canny strategic gambit, appears to have declared war on God. Your contest this week is to come up with signs that a presidential campaign might be in trouble, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets one of the odder government souvenirs we've ever seen, a vintage 1950s-era, wood-handled "silent butler"--a hinged dustpan bearing a painted likeness of the Maryland statehouse in Annapolis. This fine item is worth $50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week VI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, March 13. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK III (336), In which we asked you to take any ordinary word, place a portion of it in "air quotes," and then redefine the word. This was a popular contest: You'll see it again. We received more than 5,000 entries and they were of such high caliber that we split the results in two. There will be two first prizes, as well as two sets of runners-up and honorable mentions. The first set runs this week, the second next week. This will have the effect of increasing from three weeks to one month the period between the date the contest is announced and the date the winning entries are published. In short, from now on we get an extra week to deal with the contest, but you don't. Your deadline remains unchanged: eight days from the date of publication. Also, we are pleased to announce that this paragraph sets the Style Invitational all-time record for the most consecutive words containing not even a single juvenile attempt at humor. So bite us. Back to "air quotes": * Fifth Runner-Up: "Wed"gie--What Fox TV gave itself. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Fourth Runner-Up: Co"pious"--Describing the amount of phony religiosity in the presidential campaign. (Mike Genz, La Plata) * Third Runner-Up: "Id"iot--A powerful person who stupidly permits himself to be ruled by his libido. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * Second Runner-Up: T"hick"en--Just mix in a passel of pig-fat drippins. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) * First Runner-Up: Le"win"sky--One who gains a lucrative endorsement deal after shaming the nation's chief executive. (Patrick Jones, Alexandria) * And the Winner of the Hirsute Hair Shirt: G"angst"er--Someone torn by inner conflict, and bullets. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * Honorable Mentions: Gyn"ecological"--Of or describing a natural woman. (Susan Thompson, Derwood) "Candid"ate--An unknown species.(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Bra"ggadocio--Excessive pride in one's cleavage. (Malcolm Visser, Clifton; John Beshoar, Potomac) Pr"elude"--A Honda getaway car. (Merrill Bates, Jr., Severna Park) Wai"tress"--Often the source of hair in one's soup. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) "Gam"ble--To risk one's job by caressing the leg of a co-worker. (David Genser, Arlington) Gl"ass"es--X-Ray Specs. (Niels Hoven, Houston) Com"mute"rs--Silent, sullen companions in car pools. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) "Fun"eral--A ceremony in which you dance on someone's grave. (Mary Lou French, Lorton) Exe"cute"--To euthanize one of those syrupy-sweet characters that are mass-marketed ad nauseam to children, such as Barney. (Joe Kobylski, Gaithersburg) "Boo"ty--Waking up the next morning and realizing you made a scary mistake. (Aaron Frank, Arlington) "Taxi"dermist--Someone who stiffs cab drivers. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Dober"man"--A real hound dog. (Mary Lou French, Lorton) "Con"version--"Glory hallelujah, I have found God, now let me out of jail." (Gary Mason, Herndon) H"air"cut--The futile, pathetic trip to the barber taken by balding men. (Will Cramer, Herndon) Vi"bran"t--When you're regular, you've got much more energy. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Mon"ument--A statue of Bob Marley. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) "Imho"tep--Self-effacing Egyptian e-mail author and god of medicine. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Teletub"bi"e--Children's TV characters of uncertain sexual orientation. (Dudley Thompson, Derwood) "Buff"oon--Fabio. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Debau"cher"y--Not aging gracefully; carrying on with much younger men. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Terra"pin"--The person holding up the line at the ATM because he cannot recall his number. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Flag"ellate--To whip your opponent with allegations that he lacks patriotism. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Chic"ago"--A city whose glory days are over. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) A"butt"ing--Dancing cheek to cheek. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) "Ex"pose--The Internet posting of nude photos of your former spouse, after the evil stuck-up trollop runs off with her ski instructor. Not that I'm bitter. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) W"itty"--Given to emphasizing one's humor when dating, to overcome certain other shortcomings. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Psy"chop"ath--Lizzie Borden. (Noah Kady, Myersville, Md.; Merrill Bates Jr., Severna Park) Man"age"ment--In a bureaucracy, those who should have retired years ago but didn't. (David Genser, Arlington) Nin"com"poop--CEO of a failed Internet company. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Prolife"ration--Unrestricted propagation. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Sh"ow"er--The scalding sensation caused by an ill-timed toilet flush. (Ben F. Noviello, Fairfax) Im"peach"ment--Almost losing the presidency after tasting forbidden fruit. (Patrick Jones, Alexandria) "Scrap"ple--Scrapple. (John Held, Fairfax) "Game"togenesis--"Let's play around a little first." (Richard Teske, Winchester, Va.) Mi"stress"--The pressure of being the Other Woman. (Beth Benson, Lanham) Th"esau"rus--A dictionary's less popular kin. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Automo"bile"--A vehicle associated with the "road rage" phenomenon. (Merrill Bates Jr., Severna Park) "Fun"gicide--A killjoy. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) "Ass"embly--Any state legislature. (Chuck Beardall, Fairfax) "Cad"averous--Describing a necrophiliac. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) A"limo"ny--How ex-wives get big new cars. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Cluelessness"--A tendency to miss the point entirely. (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) * The Uncle's Pick: Princi"pal"--The person who is, really and truly, your best friend at school. (Allen R. Breon, Clarksville) (The Uncle explains: What we have here is a joyful mixture of wit and wisdom. All youngsters should both chuckle and take heed.) Next Week: 'Sty'le Invitational 2 ====================================================================== WEEK 340, published March 12, 2000 The Style Invitational; WEEK VII (340): ASK BACKWARDS 12 This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the answers. What are the questions? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a pair of decorative velour wall hangings advertising the many fine attractions of the nation of Libya. These gaily fringed souvenir items are worth $50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week VII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, March 20. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. CONTINUED REPORT FROM WEEK III (336), in which we asked you to take any ordinary word, place a portion of it in "air quotes," and then redefine the word. * Fourth Runner-Up: "Linger"ie--The tendency of men to spend hours lovingly perusing each page of the Victoria's Secret catalogue. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Third Runner-Up: Ap"petite"--A ravenous desire for celery; see Bulimic.(Mary Lou French, Lorton) * Second Runner-Up: A"bra"cada"bra"--That magical way a woman can somehow remove her underwear without removing her outer clothes. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * First Runner-Up: C"hick"en--Squirrel. (Will Cramer, Herndon) * And the winner of the Hirsute Hair Shirt: Drug "DEA"ling--Selling coke to the nice young white guy in the suit. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) * Honorable Mentions: E"lite"--People who become rich or powerful not through ability but rather through inheritance, i.e., Dan Quayle, George W. Bush. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Y"id"dish--Jewish phone sex. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Int"elle"ctual--Someone deeply aware of the Kierkegaardian implications of this fall's new hot miniskirt colors. (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) Se"ptua"genarian--An old man who chews tobacco. (Dudley Thompson, Derwood) F"rug"al--Wearing a cheap hairpiece. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Condom"inium--A safe house. (Frank Thompson, Largo, Fla.) "Pant"s--Jennifer Lopez/Ricky Martin skintight trousers. (Jake Wolman, Claremont, Calif.) "Con"gress--'Nuff said. (John Kammer, Herndon) "Past"a--Leftover lasagna. (Don Cooper, Burke) Dis"man"tling--The process by which a newly divorced woman removes all traces of her ex from her home. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Pan"icky"--How one feels after accidentally ingesting too much Olestra. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Inaugu"rat"ion--The exchange of one varmint for another. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ba"nana"--A grandmother with hepatitis. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) L"one"liest--A number you'll never do. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Go"vern"ment--The municipal administration of some place like West Mule Flank, Ky. (Robin D. Grove, Laurel) "Hind"ered--To be encumbered by a fat butt. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "E"eee!--The sound one makes when startled by a computer mouse. (Mike Genz, La Plata) "Moo"lah--A cash cow. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Vag"rant"--Someone who stands on street corners and shouts gibberish at tourists. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Fig"urine"--One of those novelty garden fountains. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington; Frank Thomson, Largo, Fla.) "Colon"el--An army military man equal to a naval "Rear Admiral." (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Cleav"age"--Female adolescence. (David Genser, Arlington) Tor"men"t--To leave the seat up on purpose. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) E"rot"ica--Necrophilia. (Brian Feldman, Chantilly) "Glock"enspiel--The rousing percussion of gang warfare. (Rob Freeman, Washington) "Hand"some--So ugly that one's Saturday night date is always oneself. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) C"loser"--John Rocker. (James Pierce, Charlottesville) "Man"ipulation--"If you really loved me, you would." (Richard Davis, Arlington) D"ouch"e--A bad experience on a hot-water bidet. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Flaming"o--A bird known for its flamboyant colors. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Aph"rod"isiac--Actually, pretty much as currently defined. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Lia"ISO"n--Something sought via personal ads. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Gar"goy"le--Disastrous blind date set up by Aunt Ceil. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) "Trump"et--The clarion call of one's own colossal ego. (Will Cramer, Herndon) Orna"mental"--Describing the Martha Stewart obsession that, for example, causes one to cover one's garbage cans in 18th-century lace, fairy lights, gold leaf and cloves. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Li"feline"--"Regis, I'd like to use my Phone-a-friend and call my cat, Muffin." (Will Cramer, Herndon) E"quip"ment--The ability to say or write funny things. (Women always check out a guy's e"quip"ment early in a relationship.) (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Dow"ager--Someone whose 401(k) plan is making her annoyingly rich. (David Genser, Arlington) Com"post"--Using that pinko rag as fertilizer, where it belongs. Oooops. I'm sorry, that was my entry for the Washington TIMES Invitational. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) * The Uncle's Pick: "U"n"c"le--Someone "U" love to "C" at a family reunion. (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) (The Uncle explains: Modesty forbids a detailed explanation. Suffice it to say I consider this a simply "D"lightful entry!) Next Week: Degrees of Difficulty DEAD PRESIDENTS, by Bob Staake, Saint Louis, MO First panel: Ghost of Kennedy sitting glumly before a birthday cake, Lincoln and Washington standing by. From offstage: "HAPPY BIIIIIRTHDAY TO YOUUU, HAPPPPY BIIIIRTHDAY TO YOU ..."; Lincoln: "Whoa, Jack doesn't see to be having fun .." Second panel, Lincoln and Washington only. Offstage: "HAPPY BIIIIIRTHDAY, MISTER PREZZZIDENT ..."; Lincoln: "I mean, didn't he REQUEST this?"; Washington: "Yeah ...". Third panel: Lincoln, Washington, Kennedy, cake, Monroe on stage. Monroe: "HAPPPPY BIIIIIIRTHDAY TOOOOOO YOU!" Washington: "... Maybe he was expecting a DIFFERENT Monroe!" Don't let Dead Presidents die! Send you ideas (describe, don't draw) to: Dead Presidents, Style, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. ====================================================================== WEEK 341, published March 19, 2000 Week VIII (341): What's in a Name? William Clinton: I, William Clinton, claim I am a cool man now. I am not a clown. I want no woman. Cal Ripken Jr.: I peek: Cal Ripken Jr. in a nice necklace, a pink parka, a pink cape, in a prance. I like Cal. I panic. Bob Staake: Bob Staake eats kebab, takes a sake, eats a basket o' oats, takes a sake, takes a toot, eats steak, takes a sake, eats toast, takes a sake, eats beets, takes a sake, tosses. This Week's contest is based on an idea stolen from McSweeney's quarterly, a fine and strange magazine. For some reason, McSweeney's ran an entire fictionalized short story about David Gergen using only the letters in "David Gergen." That's the contest. Write something about any famous person that uses only the letters in his or her name, as in the examples above. It can be as long or as short as you want. It does not have to use all the letters, and it can use a letter more than once. In choosing winners, we will look unfavorably on pidgin English, poor grammar or Me-Tarzan-You-Jane construction. Also, we will consider degree of difficulty: "William Jefferson Clinton" is a lot easier than "Janet Reno." First-prize winner gets a terrific prize: a copy of "What Will Become of Us?" by Julian Gregori, the most comically apocalyptic of all the Y2K books. Published in 1998, it predicted that the millennium bug would be "one of the most traumatic upheavals of civilization ever," flatly stating that the Clinton administration would have to declare martial law and "confiscate food." It advised, among other things, that you move to the country, convert all your money to gold and silver coins, and hide it from the inevitable marauding gangs of desperate, starving savages. This book was donated to The Style Invitational by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park, who wins some canned food. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week VIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, March 27. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK IV (337), in which you were asked to design an icon to replace the 1-to-4-star system for rating things, and then use that icon in rating some quality by degrees of intensity. But first, an announcement: The Style Invitational now offers, online only at www.washingtonpost.com, an official Loser Index, a weighted tally (updated weekly) of the degree to which various individuals have no lives outside this pathetic contest. Back to icons: Fifth Runner-Up: Icon: Fig leaf. Measures: Nudity in a motion picture. Zero fig leaves: "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." Four fig leaves: "Snow White and the Los Angeles Lakers."(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Fourth Runner-Up: Icon: Split human hair. Measures: Degrees of minuteness of difference between two persons' politics. One hair split in half: George W. Bush and John McCain. One hair split in thirds: Bill Bradley and Al Gore. One hair split in quarters: Pat Buchanan and Joerg Haider. (Ron Stanley, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Icon: Casper the Friendly Ghost. Measures: Likelihood of dying soon. Four Caspers: Needing your death sentence commuted by the governor of Texas. Seventy-Nine Caspers: Needing your death sentence commuted by the governor of Texas when he is running for president. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: Icon: Different species of horned animals. Measures: The amount of testosterone in a person. One doe: Mary Tyler Moore in the role of Mary Richards. One billy goat: Your average NFL linebacker. One fully grown pronghorn antelope: The guy out with your teenage daughter right now. (Niels Hoven, Houston) First Runner-Up: Icon: Bill Bradley's face. Measures: The degree to which one is ignored by the media. One Bill Bradley: That organization that advocates pedophilia. Four Bill Bradleys: That tall guy who ran against Al Gore. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of the Hair Shirt: Icon: Mushroom cloud. Measures: Severity of TV winter weather predictions in Washington. One mushroom cloud: Snow is expected to fall. Schools are closed. Four mushroom clouds: Snow is expected to actually hit the ground. Schools are closed. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: Icon: Piece of silver. Measures: Degree of betrayal. One piece of silver: George Stephanopoulos. Thirty pieces of silver: Judas Iscariot. Thirty-one pieces of silver: Linda Tripp. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Icon: Burglar's mask. Measures: Degree of one's tendency to plagiarize music. Three masks: You are Michael Bolton. Four masks: You steal from Michael Bolton. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Icon: Accent aigu. Measures: The difficulty involved in typesetting one's name. Zero accents aigu: Your name is e.e. cummings Four accents aigus: Your name is (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Icon: "Dead End" sign. Measures: How bad a job is. One Dead End sign: You're sending out your resume. Four Dead End signs: Everyone else in the office is sending out your resume. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Icon: Razor blade. Measures: Seriousness of one's cocaine habit. One blade: You spend a small, but noticeable, percentage of your income on cocaine. Four blades: You spend a small, but noticeable, percentage of Bill Gates's income on cocaine. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Icon: Herve Villechaize's face. Measures: Degree of stupidity for quitting a hit TV show. One Villechaize: George Clooney leaving "ER." Four Villechaizes: Shelley Long leaving "Cheers." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Icon: Heart pierced by arrow. Measures: Love for another person. One heart: Willing to share one's life. Four hearts: Willing to share one's toothbrush. (John Held, Fairfax) Icon: "Censored" stamp. Measures: Creativity of an obscenity. One stamp: %*#$ Four stamps: %#@% # &?! (Russell Beland, Springfield) Icon: Lemming. Measures: Willingness to do something merely because lots of other people are doing it. One lemming: Heading for the tollbooth line because there must be something wrong with the open booth because no one else is there. Four lemmings: Listening to Britney Spears. (Doug Grekin, Washington) Icon: Confederate flag atop statehouse. Measures: Degree of Southern redneck sentiment. One flag: Believes flying the flag of the losing side of a 135-year-old war waged to perpetuate human slavery is an appropriate way to celebrate one's "heritage." Four flags: Uses the term "War of Northern Aggression." Believes Northerners entering Southern states should have to pass through customs and obtain visas. Has $250,000 in Confederate money in attic "just in case." (John Holder, Rock Hill, S.C.) Icon: Yield sign. Measures: Women's tendency to yield. One sign: Hester Prynne. Four signs: Monica Lewinsky. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Icon: Potty. Measures: Likelihood of an entry being printed in The Style Invitational. Zero potties: A witty, trilingual pun pointing out the delicious irony of the American war for independence being won through the assistance of the autocratic French monarchy. Four potties: A comparison of the names of foreign heads of state to the sound of various animals breaking wind underwater. (Meredith Austin, Arlington) The Uncle's Pick: Icon: Colostomy bag. Measures: Tastelessness. Zero Bags: The Uncle's Pick. Four Bags: This entry. (Malcolm Visser, Clifton) (The Uncle explains: There's something about this one that bothers me, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Still, I was flattered by this gentleman's vote of confidence in my sense of propriety. Next Week: Who Wants a Toilet? DEAD PRESIDENTS, by Jennifer Hart, Arlington Ghost of Lincoln: "WHEW! What's that STENCH?" Ghost of Washington or Adams 2: "Hey, don't look at ME!" Ghost of Kennedy: "GEEZ! Did a bill just DIE in the House?" Ghost of Jefferson, Madison, or Monroe: "Hmm ... I didn't hear a thing ..." Ghost of Nixon, looking at seated ghost of Coolidge: "Figures. 'Silent Cal'" Don't let Dead Presidents die! Send you ideas (describe, don't draw) to: Dead Presidents, Style, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. ====================================================================== WEEK 342, published March 26, 2000 Week IX (342): Plainly Ridiculous "This country will be in the damnedest crisis it ever faced." --Jim Johnson, president of the Owner-Operator Independent Drivers Association, predicting what will happen if the nation does not help truckers cope with rising fuel costs. Plain English version: "We are huge. Our muscles have bulging blue veins. We drink beer and drive vehicles that can penetrate brick walls. Do you want us angry?" "Property owners are like Regis Philbin: We just want a final answer." --Jerry Howard, lobbyist for a national home builders' association, in support of a House bill that would streamline zoning decisions. Plain English version: "Property owners are like Regis Philbin. We just want to make obscene amounts of money for very little work." This Week's Contest is based on Vice President Gore's call for a return to "plain English" in public communication. Gore thinks there is too much obfuscation out there: people talking around a subject, using jargon or babble to hide their real meaning. Your challenge is to take any direct quotation from any article in today's Washington Post and translate it into "plain English," as in the examples above (which were taken from The Post of March 17). Make sure you specify what article the quote is from, and what page it is on. If necessary, explain the context of the quote. First-prize winner gets six English-language tour books published by the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics in 1987, detailing the splendors of the republics of Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Kirghizia, Moldavia, Estonia and Latvia. These are worth $50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week IX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, April 3. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK V (338), in which, in the foul aftermath of "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?," we asked you to come up with the next tasteless offering we are likely to see from Fox TV.(Please do not send us mail complaining that these results are tasteless. They were supposed to be tasteless, to show our revulsion at the depths to which Fox will sink for ratings. In short, our hands are clean. We are decent human beings. In fact, the more tasteless the results below, the more emphatically are we registering our good taste. That's our position.) Some entries needed no elaboration: "Bowling for Insulin" (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville); "Strip Jeopardy!" (Joseph Romm, Washington); "Provoke the Amish" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) and "America's Funniest Laser Eye Surgery Bloopers" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Fourth Runner-Up: Who Wants a Mommy and Daddy? It's a quiz show. Each contestant is an orphan. The questions get increasingly difficult. For completing round one, the orphan gets adopted by a pair of alcoholic child abusers. But if he completes the next round, he gets to trade up to inattentive career-minded suburbanites. If the tyke is really smart, he wins parents who are warm, nurturing and rich as Croesus, in a home with a treehouse and a real live pony. (Simon Wegner, St. Paul, Minn.) * Third Runner-Up: Win Ben Stein's Kidney. Desperately ill contestants compete with the Factmeister for a shot at longevity. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) * Second Runner-Up: The New Family Feud. Families really get to beat the crap out of each other, using chairs, apple corers and other household items. (Elliott Jaffa, Arlington) * First Runner-Up: Drunk Driving for Dollars. Contestants must drive themselves to the show, a distance of no less than five miles. Each is followed by a heli-cam. Whoever arrives safely with the highest blood alcohol level wins the grand prize. (Russ Beland, Springfield) * And the winner of the Toilet Bank: Just How Hungry ARE You? Fifty starving people from underdeveloped nations are offered various disgusting substances to eat. These substances--rancid mayonnaise, squirming maggots, fresh hippo dung--are proffered in order of increasing foulness. Last one to keep eating gets a million dollars! (Greg Pearson, Arlington) * Honorable Mentions: Do Tell! Contestants shoot arrows at a target on a loved one's head. The cash prizes get larger as the target gets smaller. The Money Round target: a lima bean. (Don Cooper, Burke) Minoritease. There is a hidden camera. A contestant earns money by insulting a given ethnic group while in a social situation where he happens to be surrounded by members of that group. The contestant is paid per insult, with worse insults being worth more money. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Amateur Doctor! This 13-week series features a group of 10 seriously ill people who are locked into a small hospital that is fully equipped with everything but health care professionals. Cameras observe the contestants round the clock as they try to self-diagnose, perform tests and administer medications in a frantic effort to cure themselves. The last one alive wins free major medical for life. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Publishers Clearing House Losers. Vans with the Clearing House logo pull up to homes, and teams of smiling people jump out with flowers, balloons and a TV camera, to tell people they didn't win a thing. (Bob Fowler, Greenbelt) Who Wants to Hurl? After ingesting large fistfuls of Antabuse, contestants are forced to sit at a bar and watch a tape loop of Barbra Streisand and James Brolin discussing their unique bliss. The last contestant to lunge across the counter for the Dewar's wins. (Holly Smith, Frederick) Who Wants to Marry a Philosophy Grad Student? All the contestants who were on the "Marry a Multi-Millionaire" show must come back to prove that "it's not about the money." (Rebecca S. Feind, Harrisonburg, Va.) X-treme Minesweeper. Similar to the computer game, but played on a real minefield. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Road Kills for Bills. Contestants race their cars around a race track. The winner is the one who completes 10 miles first. However, at the start of the race, hundreds of cats, dogs, raccoons, squirrels and possums are released onto the track! Whenever a driver hits one, he has to stop his car and put the carcass in the trunk. (Robin D. Grove, Laurel) Grow for the Gold. For every pound they gain within six months, contestants gain $100. But only the person who gains the most gets to keep the cash. The others just keep their new flab. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Who Wants to Win a Hundred and Fifty Bucks? Child laborers from less developed nations are brought into a Fox studio to compete on the basis of their sweatshop skills. A panel of industry execs will judge the finished products and pick a winning child, who receives more money than he is ordinarily likely to see in three months! A low-budget, high-return show. (Gregory Sanders, Silver Spring) Who Wants to Degrade Himself Real Bad? Fifty contestants are asked to perform increasingly humiliating tasks. The whole prize pot goes to one overall winner, the last person willing to perform whatever act is required. Initially, the prize pot is $1 million, and the task is only mildly humiliating, such as attempting to yodel. With each successive round, however, the pot is reduced , and the indignity to be suffered becomes greater, until the eventual winner receives, like, $ 45 for wearing only a G-string and gargling with someone else's spit. (Patrick O'Connell, New York) America's Funniest Confessions. Fox secretly replaces a priest with a stand-up comedian, and wires the confessional. Let's listen in. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Squeal of Fortune. The winner is the person able to spend the greatest number of days in Leavenworth posing as a convicted child molester. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Thumbs Up! This is a standard-format game show where contestants answer increasingly hard questions for better prizes. To try for the next round, the contestant must give the "thumbs up" sign. An incorrect answer results in the loss of the thumb. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.) * The Uncle's Pick: Thank God! Each week, survivors of the latest disaster thank God they lived while hundreds of others perished. (Bob Silverstein, Springfield) (The Uncle explains: We need more uplifting, inspirational shows like this.) Next Week: Campaignful Developments ====================================================================== WEEK 343, published April 2, 2000 The Style Invitational; Week X (343): Eastwood Ho. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you. Good: You've finally lost weight. Bad: From an amputation. Ugly: Via pit bull. Good: You have complete freedom of choice. Bad: But you're not crazy about the options. Ugly: Which are "hanging" or "lethal injection." This Week's Contest was proposed by Sarah W. Gaymon of Gambrills, who lifted the idea (and the first two examples) from the Net. Create a Good-Bad-Ugly progression, in the mold of those above. First-prize winner gets an antique plate commemorating the completion of the Panama Canal, inscribed, for some reason, "Compliments of Fred J. Harding, Utica, N.Y." This is worth $25. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week X, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, April 10. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK VI (339), in which we asked you to come up with signs that a presidential candidate's campaign might be in trouble. * Fourth Runner-Up: All the women on his staff are visibly pregnant.(Fred Dawson, Beltsville) * Third Runner-Up: During speeches, instead of gazing at the candidate with an adoring smile, his wife rolls her eyes and makes little talky-talk hand gestures. (Frank Bruno, Alexandria) * Second Runner-Up: The candidate tells reporters he hopes to "beat the spread." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) * First Runner-Up: The candidate admits to having shot heroin, but claims he "didn't metabolize it." (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) * And the winner of the silent butler: She . . . (Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac) * Honorable Mentions: The campaign treasurer has a "Take a Penny, Leave a Penny" tray on her desk. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) On the candidate's campaign buttons, his name is misspelled. No one notices. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville; Ed Mickolus, Dunn Loring) Instead of hats with his name on them, supporters start wearing paper bags with eyeholes. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Mothers start holding up their babies for the candidate to change. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) In response to increasingly dire poll results, the candidate begins openly praying to the gods Moloch and Baal. (Benjamin J. Cooper, Williamsburg) In different states, the candidate introduces different women as his wife. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The candidate repeatedly emphasizes his heroic role in averting the Y2K disaster. (Art Simpsen, Alexandria) During a debate, the candidate asks to use his "phone a friend" lifeline. (David A. Prevar, Annapolis; Bob Sorensen, Herndon; Noah Kady, Myersville) Under increasing pressure to go negative, the candidate revises his theme to: "Working Together in Harmony, We Will Drink Blood From the Skulls of Our Enemy, Partake of His Women and Then Drive Them Lamenting Before Us Into the Wasteland, Thrust His Issue Screaming Into the Abyss, and Scour His Seed From the Face of the Earth Forever." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Instead of kissing babies, the candidate starts biting them. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) He is invited to be the commencement speaker at Clown College. (Susan Reese, Arlington) The candidate's war wounds turn out to have been inflicted by his own troops. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) I start seriously considering voting for him. (Jim Salvucci, Washington; David Genser, Arlington) He offers to debate Alan Keyes "anywhere, any time." (David Genser, Arlington) The candidate's Secret Service detail has given him the code name "Loser One." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) The candidate starts bragging he is the only one who can "save Earth from the asteroid." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) The campaign song changes from "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" to "No Particular Place to Go." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The candidate is deported. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The candidate starts telling the truth. (Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac) The candidate keeps emphasizing his qualifications for vice president. (John Held, Fairfax; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) At contentious debates, the candidate starts to rely entirely too much on the "I'm rubber, you're glue" response. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) The candidate frequently clutches chest, staggers. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) The candidate's solicitation letters for contributions begin: "Remove the top name from the list. Add your name to the bottom . . ." (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) The centerpiece of his campaign is to hire 100,000 more IRS auditors. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) At a news conference, the candidate announces, "I am a woman trapped in a man's body." (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Slogan of "Let's stick it to the middle class" has not caught on. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The candidate begins showing questionable judgment, such as when he says of his opponent, "I'm going to beat him like Rodney King." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) The candidate sucker-punches Helen Thomas. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The candidate's campaign staff starts wearing "I'm With Stupid" T-shirts. (Alex Roth and Peter Overby, Falls Church; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The candidate starts answering tough questions by invoking his Fifth Amendment rights. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Chris Doyle, Burke) The candidate insists that he wasn't a no-show at the debate, he merely forgot to turn off his cloaking device. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) The slogan on the wall of the candidate's war room reads, "It's China's entry into the World Trade Organization, Stupid." (Patrick Jones, Alexandria) The campaign moves its national headquarters from Circle, Mont., to Kalispell, Mont., all but conceding the eastern Montana rancher vote. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) The candidate claims his most recent physical was an alien anal probe, and he passed with flying colors. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The candidate's Democratic opponent is endorsed by the Washington Times. (Gerald H. Smith, Kensington) The candidate enters The Style Invitational just so he can get his name in The Washington Post. (Alan Keyes, Maryland; Aaron Frank, Arlington) * The Uncle's Pick: The candidate greets the VFW with a feisty: "I just flew in from Andrews Air Force Base, and boy are my armies tired." (Jimmy Roy Wilson, Washington) (The Uncle Explains: This is both funny--because of the nifty arms-armies pun--and apt, because the candidate would indeed be in hot water for resorting to puns. The public dislikes puns, for some reason. I don't. I think puns are quite, well, ahem, "punny." My joke is turn funny because of the irony of making a pun that utilizes the word pun.) Next Week: Ask Backwards ====================================================================== WEEK 344, published April 9, 2000 Week XI (344): What Kind of Foal Am I? Breed Dubai Two Thousand with Prized Son and name the foal Dubya Two Thousand Breed Land with Alison's Trick and name the foal Land Ho Breed Tux with Yax and name the foal Dinner Speaker This Week's Contest was proposed by one Mike "Mikey the Tout" Hammer of Arlington, who shows up once a year for this express purpose; his contest invariably produces a pathological hemorrhage of entries--hundreds and hundreds of them--from one Mary Lee Fox Roe of Mount Kisco, N.Y., who also shows up once a year for this express purpose. It occurs to us that this strange seasonal coupling may not be coincidence. Why not just give the lady a call, Mikey? The contest, as always, is to envision the mating of any two of the 387 horses qualifying for this year's Triple Crown, and propose a name for their foal. (The horses' names appear elsewhere on this page.) Ignore the actual genders of the horses, if you happen to know them. The foal's name must be contained in 18 or fewer letters and spaces, as per thoroughbred racing rules. First-prize winner gets a handsome commemorative plate featuring a photograph of Bill Clinton surrounded by smaller portraits of all previous presidents--a grand and glorious celebration of the American presidency, and of America herself. It was made in Japan. It's worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, April 17. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK VII (340), in which we printed 12 "Jeopardy!" answers, and asked you to supply the questions. * Seventh Runner-Up: Answer: Snap, Crackle and Plop. Question: Who are the cartoon characters who promote that new cereal, Prune Krispies? (Joseph Romm, Washington) * Sixth Runner-Up: Answer: Maybe Bill Bradley, but Definitely Not Confucius. Question: Who said, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step, though more than two steps without a dribble creates a turnover"?(Howard Walderman, Columbia) * Fifth Runner-Up: Answer: Lucy in the Sky With Diapers. Question: What is on the flip side of "All You Need Is Luvs"? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Chris Doyle, Burke) * Fourth Runner-Up: Answer: Snap, Crackle and Plop. Question: What sounds does a bear make in the woods? (Larry Blue, Gaithersburg) * Third Runner-Up: Answer: I NY. Question: How would you represent the motto of New Jersey, "I Abut New York"? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Second Runner-Up: Answer: A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and Dow. Question: What are three things, only one of which is pleasant when it comes back up? (Ben Noviello, Fairfax) * First Runner-Up: Answer: Rick, but Most Definitely Not Darva, Rockwell. Question: During the "honeymoon," who had intimate relations with a multi-millionaire? (Melissa Yorks and Joe Bangiolo, Gaithersburg) * And the winner of the Libyan wall hangngs: Answer: Lucy in the Sky With Diapers. Question: What song actually does contain the lyric "The girl with colitis goes by"? (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: A Loaf of Bread, a Jug of Wine, and Dow How was Omar Khayyam able to afford that ruby yacht, anyhow?(Joseph Romm, Washington) What are da tree best tings about a picnic? (Vance Garnett, Washington) What are three things that are loaded with chemicals? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) What is a famous line from the Rubaiyat of Victor Kiam? (Chris Doyle, Burke; Dan Olson, Fairfax) Hint: It doesn't require a Degree in Physics. How do you become a professor of physics at Bob Jones University? (Sandra Hull, Arlington; Howard Walderman, Columbia; Barry Blyveis, Columbia) What did you need to be a contestant on "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Lucy in the Sky With Diapers What is a really, really bad guess in the game of "Clue"? (David Genser, Arlington) What was a hit on the Beatles' Brown Album? (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) What was the biggest hit for the obscure musical group the Dung Beetles? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What is the only song on which the Beatles sang scat? (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Snap, Crackle and Plop What is the sound of a cereal killing? (David Genser, Arlington) Gimme an I! Gimme an R! Gimme an S! What are the last three lines of the fight song of the Chevy Chase Pinot Noirs? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What do some really sadistic auditors require of taxpayers before they write up their final reports? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) How does a speed junkie play "Wheel of Fortune"? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What cheer is used in a college football game to unnerve an opposing quarterback who is about to sign a multimillion-dollar pro contract? (David Genser, Arlington) Because John McCain Refused How many non sequiturs does it take to screw in a light bulb? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Biddy-Bum, Biddy-Bum, Biddy-Fupp-Fupp-Fupp What would Tevye do all day long if he were a wealthy man with gas? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What is the sound of an old woman falling down the stairs and then getting caught in an exhaust fan? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) What do you hear when Bill Bradley puts a microphone to his chest? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) How would a rundown play be scored when your infield consists of an old lady, a street person and the Fupp brothers? (Michael J. Hammer, Arlington) What = Biddy(2Bum + Fupp[+3])? (David Genser, Arlington) I NY How are The Post's new presses doing? Give an example. (Mike Genz, La Plata) What slogan reads, "I'm Nuts About NY"? (Michael J. Hammer, Arlington) Only When You Need to Throw Up When will you fail to find an airsickness bag located in the seat pocket in front of you? (Martin Bredeck, Community, Va.; Mike Genz, La Plata) According to The Idiot's Guide to Bulimia, when should you eat the most important meal of the day?(John Kammer, Herndon) When should you be on your knees in a public bathroom stall? (Joe Morse, Burke) When do cell phone users believe it is appropriate to pull over to the side of the road?(Andrea Doherty, Washington) The Uncle's Pick: Answer: Because John McCain refused Question: Why didn't John McCain "go negative" against George Bush? (Russell Beland, Springfield) (The Uncle Explains: Indeed. A point well made. Sometimes, the winner of an election is not the best human being; sometimes, in fact, the LOSER of an election, whether it be for national office or merely a columnist's job at a newspaper, demonstrates over time that he is the person of higher moral fiber who refuses to wallow in negativity, prurience and smirking double-entendre, or otherwise pander to the basest public tastes, even at the cost of a job he really, really wanted.) Next Week: What's in a Name? ====================================================================== WEEK 345, published April 16, 2000 Week XII (345): Picture This This Week's Contest: What is going on in these cartoons? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a rare copy of the 530-page, lavishly illustrated, gold-leaf hardcover book "Automatic Sprinkler Performance in Australia and New Zealand, 1886-1968." It's worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, April 24. All entries must include the contest's week number and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK VIII (341), in which we asked you to emulate a recent magazine story about David Gergen that used only the letters in David Gergen's name. We received the following communication from one Francis Heaney, the author of the magazine story, who complained that we should have given him credit. He made this complaint in an e-mail employing only the letters in the name Francis Heaney: "His anarchic, fancy-free farce earns Francis nary a reference? Fishy!" * Third Runner-Up: I, James Carville, am clear: I rave, I slam as I smear. I revile, I am vile, I release slime as I smile. I serve evil as a career.(Earle M. Crum, Seabrook, Tex.) * Second Runner-Up: Diana, the Princess of Wales: A car careens: I die, in Paris, France. Crowds near a palace and pile flowers. In a slow parade, princes and lower classes pass a pained slew of Windsors. An earl's screed assails a flawed clan (inside, no one claps). Sadness increases sales of "Candle in the Wind" and old dresses. Laid cold on an isle, I fade as roses do. A world cares, cries, and, wearied, presses on. (Paul McClure, Washington) * First Runner-Up: Cher: Echhh. (Malcolm Visser, Clifton) * And the winner of the Y2K Apocalypse book: Monica Lewinsky: Well, I was, like, a woman, y'know. William was, y'know, like, a man. So I'm, like, so lonely. Willie is, like, well, Willie. Anyway, a wink, some skin, "lookie lookie," we make some nookie. Willie says, "Nice melons." I mean, like, wow! Willie was mine, I was Willie's. No one knew! So I'm, like, seein' Willie, only slyly. Anyways, I'm, like, callin' Lin. So we yak 'n' yak. I'm like, well, me 'n' Willie, y'know? Lin's like, "Wow, Willie?" So I say, "Yes, Willie." Anyway, now Lin knows. Once I was, like, "Lin, is a click on my line?" Lin says, "A click? No." Well, as we all know now, a click WAS on my line. Now, Ken comes in. Now I'm, like, NEWS! Monica mania! I'm, like, a mess. Ken is, like, so asinine. Ken was on a mission. Ken is, like, soooooo my enemy! Lin was so sneaky. Lin is a swine. Oink oink. Willie? Well, I say Slick Willie will owe someone some alimony. Me? Well, now I'm, like, a well-known woman. Now I can make me some money. Way cool. Awesome. (Richard Grossman, McLean) * Honorable Mentions: Jennifer Lopez: Jeez, no zipper! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Augusto Pinochet: Once again I cheat the noose. Nothing: no accusations, no sentence, no opinion, no conscience, no constitution, no such passing hopes can push us to account. (Frank Kenesson, Waterford, Va.) Alexander Hamilton: Dad and Mom are not married. It tainted him (he hated men, not man). Later, he made, examined, then mailed, a detailed note to The Main Man (the real mentor and hero to the landed) to tell him that Tom meant the Elite to lead the nation. He hated Tom. Did Tom hate him? No one had an idea. Tom, not Alex, landed a home near the National Mall. Then Alex met Aaron, a deadlier threat to him, and died. The end. (Reid Williamson, Annandale) Martha Stewart: What taste, what ease! She stews meat, warms wheat tarts, steams tea water, sews threads, hems, hammers. She's a star. She starts mass stress. We hate her. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Orenthal James Simpson: Part Heisman, part hit man. A slasher; he hit, he ran. Months later, he's still on the loose. Asserts he's on the "real" assassin's trail. Hmm. Perhaps he has a point--a SHARP point. (Lori Ducharme, Gaithersburg) Monica Lewinsky: I was once a lonely, lowly lass. I look like a moose (I like cannoli, cannelloni, clams, wine, lemon ice . . .). I was also one easy woman. (I only say "yes.") I call my "ally." I say, "My new man is a slimy weasel." My sly ally sells my news. We make news kinky. Now I am an icon in a comical, classless way. I make millions, so I cancel any claims on clemency. (Annette Florence, Ithaca, N.Y.) William Shatner: His hair isn't real. His lines are lame. Retire. (David Genser, Arlington) Stephen Hawking: Wise genie, he sees the night skies with keen insight. Despite a twist in his spine, he takes steps that we gape at. His painstaking peeks negate the past and it shines, anew. He instigates an awakening. (Martin Bredeck, Community, Va.) Linda Tripp: I, a darn rat and a liar, did trap a pal in a plan I laid. And a pal paid. (Richard Grossman, McLean) William Jefferson Clinton: As I steer America's state In office I now toil late No interns. Alone! I sit and atone A canine as a sole roommate. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) James P. Rubin: I name names as I suppress numbers. I snub empresses; I abuse empires; U.S. airmen, seamen, armies, Marines impress me. Namibia impresses me. Armani impresses me. Burma represses masses. Iran surprises us. I am Serbia's nemesis. I reassure members as Brunei reimburses us. Jabber, jabber, jabber . . . Mrs. A. pampers me. I am Mrs. A's brains. I am superman. I am smarminess. (Daniel Horner, Washington) * The Uncle's Pick: Eric Timothy Mathews: O sweet, wee tot! Eric was to come to Earth at May, Rather, he came at March With aches, stitches to mommy's waist, With eerie remorse to her heart. We three at home--Mr., Mrs., sister Amy-- How we wait, wish, watch The time that Eric comes home, too. (Jessica Lynn Mathews, Arlington) (The Uncle cannot explain just now. He needs a quiet moment.) Next Week: Plainly Ridiculous ====================================================================== WEEK 346, published April 23, 2000 Week XIII (346): Greasy Kids Tough How KidsPost might have covered the Monica Lewinsky scandal: Sometimes, when a man and a woman love each other very, very much, the man gets impeached. How KidsPost might have covered the Hindenburg disaster: Here's an experiment you can do right at home! Blow up a big balloon. Next, paint a swastika on one side. A swastika is sort of like an X with feet. Okay, now take a bunch of ants in a Dixie cup and tape it to the bottom of the balloon. They're the people. Now ask mom or dad for a safety pin . . . How KidsPost might have covered the Roxanne Pulitzer trial: Lots of kids play the trumpet. Some grown-ups play it in a special way . . . This Week's Contest is based on KidsPost, the spunky new feature at the back of the Style section. Every weekday, KidsPost tries to explain current events to children between the ages of 9 and 13. Kids- Post writers must walk a fine line: They must be simple but not condescending. They must be interesting yet educational. They must be informative, yet hands-on friendly. They must be aggressively evenhanded--deferential to all possible interpretations of facts, lest parents accuse them of political indoctrination. It's a toughie, but it seems to be working great. We think this idea is long overdue, and wonder how KidsPost might have covered important news events of the past. That's your job, as in the examples above. Take any news event from history, recent or ancient, large or small, and rewrite it in 100 words or fewer as it might have appeared in KidsPost. (It can simply be the start of a story.) Your story should read as though it was written at the time the event occurred. First-prize winner gets an antique T-shirt commemorating the famous historical meeting between Elvis Presley and Richard Nixon, a $40 value. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, May 1. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK IX (342), in which we asked you to heed Al Gore's call for a return to "plain English" in public communication by finding direct quotations in the newspaper and rewriting them into "plain English." Many people did not seem to understand what we meant by a "direct quotation." Quoting directly from a newspaper story is not necessarily a direct quotation. "A direct quotation is something uttered aloud by a person and contained between quotation marks," explained the Czar of the Style Invitational. This error disqualified several otherwise worthy entries, the best of which was by Sue Lin Chong of Washington, who lifted the following line of prose from Miss Manners: Surely we have the right to assume whatever appearance we wish without suffering for it. Sue Lin's plain English translation: Stop laughing at me because I wear a bustle. Also, Greg Arnold of Herndon lifted this line from an advertisement: It's The Biggest Furniture Giveaway Ever! His plain English version: We're open. * Fourth Runner-Up: "We hope this will be the first of many such ventures. The internationalization of baseball has begun." --Commissioner Bud Selig, on Major League Baseball opening its regular season in Japan. Plain English version: "We'll put a team in Ulan Bator before the D.C. area sees one again." (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station; Elliott Jaffa, Arlington) * Third Runner-Up: "I'm not proposing tax relief because it's the popular thing to do, I'm proposing it because it's the right thing to do." --George W. Bush. Plain English version: "I'm proposing it because it's a right popular thing to do." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Second Runner-Up: "I am okay. I am capable. There is no one exactly like me." --Students reciting a motivational pledge in a high school self-esteem class in Charlotte. Plain English version: "I am okay. I am capable. There is no one exactly like me aside from the 20 other people saying the same thing." (James Pierce, Charlottesville) * First Runner-Up: "We need a change. A cold brain means sober calculations." --Oleg Makeyev, a Russian voter, on the icy personality of Boris Yeltsin's successor. Plain English version: "We need a change. A sober brain means sober calculations." (David Genser, Arlington) * And the winner of the U.S.S.R. tour books: "It feels like nothing, actually." --Cybermagnate Michael Saylor, on what it's like to lose more than a billion dollars in one day of stock reversals. Plain English version: "I can't feel my legs. I can't feel my legs!" (Martin Bredeck, Community, Va.) * Honorable Mentions: "Couples lead such busy lives, they hardly have time for a weekend anymore, so we thought, why not an afternoon . . . " --Carla Caccavale, spokeswoman for a Manhattan hotel that offers 30-minute room rental. Plain English version: "Do I have to spell it out to you? We have Magic Fingers and mirrors on the ceiling, okay?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "The Japanese take their baseball very seriously." --Mark Grace, Cubs first baseman. Plain English version: "After he dropped a fly ball, I was not expecting their right fielder to disembowel himself." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Attractive engineer, DHM, 39, honest, successful, ISO S/DPF, 29-40 for companionship." Plain English version: "I am a pathetic geek. ISO someone who can calculate [pi] to the 15th decimal place and wants to cuddle in the warm flicker of my Unix mainframe while we contemplate the integration of the natural logarithm to the x-power, ( e , get it? Ha ha!) (Cheryl Davis, Arlington) "This era does not reward people who struggle in vain to redraw borders with blood." --President Clinton, on Pakistani TV. Plain English version: "This era only rewards people who successfully redraw borders with blood." (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) "We need to seize the moment available to us to set down themes for the election." --Karl Rove, political strategist for George W. Bush. Plain English version: "We need to think up some themes quick." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Mike Genz, La Plata) "Bush must reposition the issue environment." --A Gore spokesman on the weakness of a tax cut as an issue for Bush. Plain English version: "Yes, I know my guy has called for a return to plain English, but old habits die hard." (Mike Genz, La Plata; Russell Beland, Springfield) "If no adults smoke as a result of cracking down on youth smoking, we are prepared to accept that we will invest our assets in other businesses." --A Philip Morris executive, reacting to an anti-smoking campaign. Plain English version: "If we have to, we will send dime bags of crack cocaine to your children." (Robin D. Grove, Laurel) "We can play a lot better than we played today. We could have finished more of our chances on offense, and passed better." --Northern High School girls' lacrosse player, commenting on the team's 13-1 victory over the Patuxent High team. Plain English version: "We wanted to stomp them into the ground until the life oozed out of their senseless, twitching, drooling bodies." (Mike Genz, La Plata) "My staff can tell you I have been complaining about this for months." --Mayor Anthony Williams on the problems with cable construction underneath District roadways. Plain English version: "Nobody ever listens to me." (Mike Genz, La Plata) "Want some focaccia?" --A San Francisco cab driver to a man who has just entered his taxi. Plain English version: "Hey, sailor." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Now, I realize this could be a guy's ultimate fantasy, but I have to wonder if we're just looking for trouble." --Married man asking Carolyn Hax what he should do now that his wife's female friend wants to engage in a menage a trois. Plain English version: "Now, I realize this could be a guy's ultimate fantasy, but I have to wonder if my wife is a lesbian." (Joseph Romm, Washington) "It's a happy thought which gave us a satisfactory general term and philologically manageable stem upon which to base all the new nouns and adjectives that physiologists and organic chemists will soon need." --An endocrinologist after a 1930s brainstorming session with colleagues, resulting in the decision to base the names of female hormones on the word "estrus," which means "gadfly," "frenzy," "crazy" and "insane." Plain English version: "We endocrinologists are men." (Joseph Romm, Washington) "He feels very badly about this." --Orioles VP Syd Thrift, describing a young pitcher who was sent to the minors. Plain English version: "He feels very bad about this." (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Soldiers are expected to keep their sexual orientation private." --U.S. Army Capt. Kevin Reszka. Plain English version: "Straight male soldiers are expected to openly lust after members of the opposite sex. Straight female soldiers are expected to lust after members of the opposite sex. Gay soldiers are expected to keep their sexual orientation private." (Beth Benson, Lanham) * The Uncle's Pick: "Your challenge is to take any direct quotation from any article in today's Washington Post and translate it into 'plain English,' as in the examples above." --the Czar of the Style Invitational Plain English version: "Your challenge is to take any direct quotation from any article in today's Washington Post and make it sarcastic and insulting." (Michael Shriro, Richardson, Tex.)(The Uncle Explains: Because I think it better to say nothing than to speak ill of others, I shall observe only that Mr. Shriro is welcome at my dinner table any time.) Next Week: Eastwood Ho ====================================================================== WEEK 347, published April 30, 2000 Week XIV (347): Capital Pun-ishment It is a well-known fact that Mahatma Gandhi's feet were toughened from wearing no shoes, and that his ascetic lifestyle made him frail. It is less well known that, early in his life, he was a case officer for British intelligence, and that because of his spare and sometimes bizarre diet, he had bad breath, a medical condition that came to be known as: SUPER CALLUSED FRAGILE MYSTIC EX-SPY HALITOSIS. Newt Gingrich accused Tipper Gore of being so stupid she cannot even remember her mother's phone number. On the campaign trail, Al Gore defended his wife, sending off an angry telegram to Gingrich: TIPPER CAN, NEWT--AND DIAL HER, TOO. This Week's Contest: A toughie. Take an expression, or a lyric from a song, or any recognizable line of prose, and make it the punch line of an awful pun, as in the examples above. (Also as above, the setup for the pun need not be factually accurate, or even remotely true.) Credit will be given to entries that avoid flagrantly absurd contrivances, such as "Okay, so there's this guy named Iwanta Girljust, and . . ." First-prize winner gets a pair of underpants (new) anonymously donated to The Style Invitational. They look like your classic tidy-whitey men's briefs, except they have a size 72 waist. We attempted to imagine the person this garment would fit, and estimate that he would weigh 500 pounds. When we tried this estimate out on our boss, he nodded sagely, saying that "these would be loose on a 400-pound man." They are worth $10. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XIV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, May 8. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK X (343), in which we asked you to come up with a Good, Bad, Ugly progression. * Fifth Runner-Up: Good: There is a new man in your life. Bad: He insists on knowing where you are every minute of the day. Ugly: He is a parole officer.(Sandra Hull, Arlington) * Fourth Runner-Up: Good: You're appearing on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Bad: You have to use your last lifeline on the $1,000 question. Ugly: When Regis dials your best friend's number, your wife sleepily answers the phone. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) * Third Runner-Up: Good: She says she won't try to change you. Bad: You are 97 years old. Ugly: She is your nurse. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * Second Runner-Up: Good: You've struck Gold. Bad: Harvey Gold. Ugly: Of the law firm of Gold, Dershowitz and Scheck. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) * First Runner-Up: Good: It's 10 o'clock and you know where your children are. Bad: They're in Lorton. Ugly: Visiting you. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) * And the winner of the Panama Canal plate: Good: Microsoft is found guilty of anti-competitive behavior, leveling the playing field for legit software vendors worldwide. Bad: Microsoft appeals, miring the federal government in costly litigation while competitive innovation continues to be hindered by Microsoft's monopolistic practices. Ugly: Bill Gates's hair. (Teen Sheng, College Park) * Honorable Mentions: Good: You have a date. Bad: It's a blind date. Ugly: He blinded himself after sleeping with his mother. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Good: There is an afterlife. Bad: You find out because you are dead. Ugly: . . . and in hell. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Good: You are at a free concert. Bad: It's the Captain and Tennille. Ugly: You're stuck in an elevator. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Good: The fish are biting all around you. Bad: The boat capsizes. Ugly: The fish are piranhas. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Good: Your boss promises you will soon be in a corner office. Bad: Oops. He said a "coroner's office." Ugly: Your boss's name is Gotti. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Good: Your prom date drives you down lover's lane. Bad: He says the car's run out of gas. Ugly: The car has run out of gas. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Good: You are running a four-minute mile! Bad: After your burglary job got interrupted. Ugly: The Rottweilers behind you are running a three-minute mile. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Good: You got one of those jobs where there's a Foosball table in the office. Bad: It's a Foosball table repair shop. Ugly: You get paid in quarters. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Good: You get a nice new suit. Bad: It's for a funeral. Ugly: Yours. (Ryan Young, Middletown; Malcolm Visser, Clifton) Good: You bought a copy of Hustler, and the centerfold is hot! Bad: She's young enough to be your daughter. Ugly: She is your daughter. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Good: Your son finally gets his driver's license. Bad: He wrecks his car his first day out. Ugly: By crashing into yours. (David Moore, Bowie) Good: You are dating a woman who sort of resembles Pamela Anderson. Bad: But she is not quite as cute. Ugly: And not quite as smart. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: With quintuplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy years ago. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Good: You are scheduled to play baseball this afternoon at Shea Stadium! Bad: You are John Rocker. Ugly: You miss the team bus on the day of a cab strike, and have to take the subway. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Good: Your wife greets you wearing a diaphanous peignoir. Bad: You aren't in the mood. Ugly: Because of the diaphanous peignoir. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Good: Your kid made the football team. Bad: Your kid never plays. Ugly: She just "made" the football team. (David Genser, Arlington) * The Uncle's Pick: Good: A blind date with Charlize Theron. Bad: A blind date with Charley's Aunt. Ugly: A blind date with Charlie's Angels. (Alan Haeberle, Silver Spring) (The Uncle explains: A blind date with the lovely Ms. Theron would be good for the obvious reason. A blind date with Charley's Aunt would be bad because, as anyone familiar with the play of the same name would know, it would be a date not just with someone's elderly aunt--though it should be pointed out that older women can be and often are entertaining companions--but with a man dressed in woman's clothing! And a blind date with Charlie's Angels would be awkward at the very least, for one could hardly expect to escort all three of those beautiful women at one time. One would have to choose one over the other two, which would needlessly cause hurt feelings.) Next Week: What Kind of Foal Am I? ====================================================================== WEEK 348, published May 7, 2000 Week XV (348): When We're LXIV Formats: 1. Write a short poem about . . . 2. Write an analogy or metaphor related to . . . 3. Design a slogan or aphorism involving . . . 4. Write a funny sentence beginning with "Did you ever wonder why . . ." with respect to . . . Subjects: A. An undergarment B. NAFTA and its relationship to pending minimum wage legislation C. A household appliance D. A 19th-century event Limitations:(i) that is written in the style of a famous author. (ii) that contains an unfortunate factual error. (iii) that would absolutely enrage Marisleysis Gonzalez. (iv) that employs a clever double-entendre. This Week's Contest was suggested by Russ Beland of Springfield. It is really 64 contests in one, because there are 64 ways to win. You have to fashion an entry by selecting one from each menu group above. For example, the following takes the path 1-C-(iv): Toast should be made like lovin'/ Not half-baked, but aroused, I find/ So I use no toaster oven/ I prefer the pop-up kind. Make sure you indicate the path you took. First-prize winner gets a Buck Grunt Call, a fine hunting device that advertises that it "can be adjusted to imitate the fawn bleat." This is worth $15. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, May 15. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XI (344), in which we gave you the names of 387 horses and asked you to mate any two and name the foal. As always with this contest, there were a hellishly large number of entries; it is possible that you may not have been credited for an entry similar, or even identical, to one that is published. If you feel you have been cheated, there is a simple procedure to follow: Take your original entry, time-stamp it, put it in an envelope, sign your name across the seal on the back flap, and mail it to yourself. That way you will have Proof on the day of Final Reckoning. * Seventh Runner-Up: Mate ORATION with OVERDONE and name the foal HOARSE. (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) * Sixth Runner-Up: Mate IMPEACHMENT with NAVAL HERO and name the foal JOHN PAULA JONES. (Chris Doyle, Burke) * Fifth Runner-Up: Mate INDIANA AFFAIR with BUBBLIN B'S BABY and name the foal HOOSIER DADDY. (Brian Butler, Laurel) * Fourth Runner-Up: Mate INNER HARBOR with HUGH HEFNER and name the foal BALTIMORE AREOLAS. (Jim Bradsaw, North Beach, Md.) * Third Runner-Up: Mate WILLIAMTHENCHA with SMOKIN BULL and name the foal BULL HE DID INHALE. (Carolyn Dikranis, Clifton) * Second Runner-Up: Mate COSINE with SUN CHARM and name the foal A TAN GENT. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) * First Runner-Up: Mate COSINE with MORTAL CINCH and name the foal HYPOTENOOSE. (Martin Bredeck, Community, Va.) * And the winner of the presidential plate: Mate MILWAUKEE BREW with SILVER BLUR and name the foal PABST SMEAR. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) * Honorable Mentions: Mate ONE MEAN KISS with MR GILEAD and name the foal LIP BALM. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Mate CHAIRMAN with STRIKE SMARTLY and name the foal ALAN GREENSPANK. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate ALISON'S TRICK with MEL N DAVE and name the foal HONEYDO MEL N. (Storm Marvel, Columbia) Mate ELITE MERCEDES with PICKUPSPEED and name the foal BENZEDRINE. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Mate CENTURIAN MAN with MILLENIUM MAN and name the foal MAN '00 MAN. (David Genser, Arlington) Mate TWILIGHT CHARMER with SILVER TYCOON and name the foal ROD STERLING. (Richard Jones, Washington) Mate BERNSTEIN with MILITARY ACADEMY and name the foal WEST POINT STORY. (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.) Mate HOUSE BURNER with BRILLIANCE and name the foal ARSON WELLES. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Russ Beland, Springfield) Mate HOUSE BURNER with TOREDOWN and name the foal EDIFICE WRECKS. (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) Mate BRUSHEDBYTHEBEST with COCONUT WILLY and name the foal KATHLEEN WILLEY. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Mate GLOBAL THREAT with UNBRIDLED FURY and name the foal ACID REIN. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Mate COSINE with MORTAL CINCH and name the foal EASY AS PI. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Mate GUN POWER with THE POSEUR and name the foal CHARLATAN HESTON. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Mate UBIQUITY with PANNER and name the foal EVERYONES A CRITIC. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Mate LONG TERM INVESTOR with BACH and name the foal WALL STREET BAROQUER. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Mate ON THE FAN with TURNOFTHECENTURY and name the foal FAN DE SIECLE. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Mate HURRICANE CARTER with WOODEN PHONE and name the foal CELL PHONE. (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) Mate HEMISPHERE DANCER with MAESTRO'S DEBUT and name the foal SEMICONDUCTOR. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Mate CHAUCER'S TALE with MILWAUKEE BREW and name the foal MILLER LITE'S TALE. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Mate HEMISPHERE DANCER with DUE NORTH and name the foal LAPLAND DANCER. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Mate JEDI TEDDY with DIS CARR BE FAST and name the foal YODA MAN. (David Genser, Arlington) Mate STRIKE SMARTLY with DAVID COPPERFIELD and name the foal HURTLIKETHEDICKENS. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Mate GO LIB GO with HUGH HEFNER and name the foal GO LIBIDO. (John Kammer, Herndon) Mate WOOD AND PLENTY with UNRECORDED and name the foal ROSE MARY WOODS. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Mate SAINT JOSEPH with SIGN OF FIRE and name the foal HOLY SMOKE. (Jack Mulford, Bunker Hill, W.Va.) Mate HOOVER TOWER with MOUNT DISCOVERY and name the foal EUREKA. (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) Mate CHAUCER'S TALE with CHEROKEE PROSPECT and name the foal CANTERBURYMYHEART. (Matthew LaFlamme, Washington) Mate INTERROGATE with COLONEL HARLAN and name the foal GRILLED CHICKEN. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) Mate EPITAPH with CHEROKEE PROSPECTS and name the foal GRAVE RESERVATIONS. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate HARLAN TRAVELER with SAINT JOSEPH and name the foal ROAMIN' CATHOLIC. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Mate DETOQUEVILLE with ROLLIN WITH NOLAN and name the foal ROLLIN A JOINT. (Michael J. Hammer, Arlington) Mate SAVIOR with BARRIER and name the foal GOD DAM. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Mate COLONIAL BOY with QUIET RHAPSODY and name the foal TREMAINE CALM. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) Mate HADES with TRICKY TWIGS and name the foal THE RIVER STICKS. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mate EXCHANGE RATE with ROSSINI and name the foal BARTER OF SEVILLE. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Mate DEVIL'S KING with COSINE and name the foal HELL'S ANGLES. (Greg Koppenhoefer, Towson) Mate HUGH HEFNER with RETALIATION and name the foal TIT FOR TAT. (Martin Bredeck, Community, Va.) Mate TOTAL ANILATION with ANSWER MY KISS to produce ARMAGEDDON IT ON. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) Mate CAPO DI CAPO with ELITE MERCEDES and name the foal MOB RUEHL. (Steven Krauss, Round Lake) Mate DIS CARR BE FAST with MILWAUKEE BREW and name the foal DIS CARR BE TOTALED. (Robert Duffy, Potomac) Mate DAVID COPPERFIELD with WOOD AND PLENTY and name the foal SCHIFFERMETIMBERS. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) * The Uncle's Pick: Mate STOKES with TENDER OFFER and name the foal WEDDING RING. (Sally Stokes, Silver Spring) (The Uncle Explains: There can be no more "tender offer" indeed than the offer of one's hand in holy matrimony, an offer Sam Stokes made to Sally in 1988. She accepted and theirs is a bond that remains firm to this day, family values reinforced by love and, quite evidently, splendid senses of humor.) Next Week: Picture This ====================================================================== WEEK 349, published May 14, 2000 Week XVI (349): Orienting Oneself Children of shadows Poised to lead tech-savvy world: KGB dot.com Insurgent voters On white far-right set big dreams President Rocker This Week's Contest was proposed by Katharine M. Butterfield of Potomac. Kat suggests that you produce a haiku using only words found in headlines in today's Washington Post, such as the two above (which were taken from an issue a few weeks ago). Haiku, of course, is a revered ancient literary art that captures the mysteries of the Orient and the ephemera of nature and pulses to the fragile yet insistent cadence of the hearts of a thousand hummingbirds. You know, sissy stuff. So let's kick some serious haiku rump. The rules are simple: Three lines, the first containing exactly five syllables, the second containing exactly seven syllables, the third containing exactly five. You may craft your poem from as many headlines as you wish, but make sure you tell us the page numbers of all headlines you use. First-prize winner gets an elegant antique wooden rattrap from 1911. (Etched into it is an ad for "Anchor Brand Clothes Wringers.") Apparently rats were bigger then; this thing could kill a platypus. It's worth $15. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XVI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, May 22. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XII (345), in which we asked you to supply captions for these cartoons. * Fourth Runner-Up: (Cartoon E) Criticism of NASA's excessive budget-cutting escalated after the agency released designs for its new space shuttle launcher. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia; Joseph Romm, Washington) * Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) The "American Standard" poodle. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) * Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) The EPA tackles the problem of "doggy breath." (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) * First Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) Mike would continue to let Buster fetch his slippers, but he'd never again ask him to fetch his pipe. (Michael J. Hammer, Arlington; David Genser, Arlington) * And the winner of the Australian sprinkler book:(Cartoon F) Doug realizes with horror that to stop biting his nails he's going to have to carry around two dead fish. (David Genser, Arlington) * Honorable Mentions: CARTOON B The pants were "Inspected by No. 666." (Chris Bennett, Ashburn) A bat out of he. (Brian Feldman, Chantilly) Prometheus began to fear for more than just his liver. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Habitat for Fruit of the Loom bats. (Art Simpsen, Alexandria; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Stan has had crabs for so long they've evolved into mammals. (John Kammer, Herndon) The Batkins diet: A vampire bat sucks your blood for breakfast, again for lunch, and then you eat a sensible dinner. The method may be a bit unorthodox, but you can't argue with the results. (John Kammer, Herndon; Anthony R. Cooper, Alexandria; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) That's strange, thought Ronald, I asked the tailor to put a new FLY in my trousers. (Michael J. Hammer, Arlington) Dave wasn't sure which part of his dream bothered him more--the bat flying out of his nether regions, or the fact that, instead of pants, he was dressed in the bow of the Titanic. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) CARTOON C Native Americans ridiculed the white man's fancy method of carrying arrows. (Kerry S. Humphrey, Springfield) While other lads built soapbox racers, young Billy Gates constructed his prototype Windows cursor. (Bob Marriot, Alexandria) An Amish compass. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) CARTOON D A spitz valve. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) At first we were reluctant to have a pet, but that dog has become a real fixture around here. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) My fluid-mechanics professor didn't believe me, but the dog really did eat my homework. (Paul and Robin Parry, Arlington) The safest way to give a pit bull his medicine. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) A lavatory retriever. (Alison Kamat, Washington; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Spot figured that if he ate the whole freaking sink trap, no one would figure out what really happened to the cat. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Smiths had trouble training Spot not to drink the toilet. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) CARTOON E If you can sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo, you can sell a pineapple-warmer to a Hawaiian. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) This is what rich people use to warm their toilet paper. (Bob Dalton, Arlington; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) An automatic manhole cover ejector for use in downtown Washington, activated by rats. (Damaris Weidner, North Potomac) The short-lived "toister"--part toilet, part toaster. (David Moore, Bowie) CARTOON F Sure, the spawning the night before was good, but the next day all the salmon could talk about was commitment. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Seeing-eye piranhas never made it past the prototype stage. (David Genser, Arlington) The attorney for the Miami Family dramatizes the trauma suffered by young Elian in the water. (Joe Kobylski, Vienna) Every time Miles got tense he would get a really nasty haddock. (David Genser, Arlington; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Jean-Claude enacts the scene where the king gets poisson in his ear. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Max didn't realize that SWF in the Personals Plus ads sometimes means Smelly Whitefish. (Russ Beland, Springfield) PETA's latest campaign: Eat fingers, not fish. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) Whoa, the bass is way too loud. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * The Uncle's Pick: Cartoon F. Because the fish is stewed to the gills (ha ha!) and therefore slurring his words, the man is helping him to be understood, i.e., he is translating for the impaired herring. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) (The Uncle explains: This is funny because it is a pun on the term "hearing impaired," and it is also of value because it illustrates the dangers of excessive drinking and encourages charitable behavior toward those less fortunate.) Next Week: You're Kidding Us ====================================================================== WEEK 350, published May 21, 2000 Week XVII (350): Dubya Fun What He Meant/What He Said * Barriers and tariffs/"Terriers and Bariffs" * Tactical nuclear weapons/"Tacular weapons" * I know how hard it is for you to put food on the table/"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." * I denounce efforts to prohibit interracial dating/"I denounce interracial dating." * We ought to raise the bar./"We ought to make the pie higher." This Week's Contest was proposed by Steve Gorman of McLean, who says this idea is "the best thing since sliced beer." Steve was impressed by a recent story in Style enumerating the many and repeated violences done to the English language by George W. Bush, some of which are reprised above. Your task is to take any well-known statement, expression, slogan, etc., and rewrite it the way Dubya might have said it (as in the cartoon above.) First-prize winner gets a genuine, certified wooden tile from the checkerboard facade of the "Peach Pit" Restaurant on the set of "Beverly Hills, 90210." This is obviously a priceless relic inasmuch as it probably was at one time or another grazed by the calf of Tori Spelling. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XVII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, May 29. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XIII (346), in which we asked you to take any event from history and cover it the way you imagine it might have been covered by KidsPost, the newspaper's new feature page aimed at children between 9 and 13. * Fourth Runner-Up: Yesterday, humans domesticated dogs. This means they won't hang around outside your cave all night, scratching and howling and eating your garbage. Now, they'll do it inside your cave. Want your own dog? Just promise Mom and Dad that you will feed it and take care of it. But do it soon. It's not like parents are going to fall for this forever. (David Genser, Arlington) * Third Runner-Up: The release of Viagra--Have your mother and father ever told you that you might get a new baby brother or sister? Well, now there's a chance your grandmother and grandfather could get you a new aunt or uncle! (Russ Beland, Springfield) * Second Runner-Up: The Rosenberg Trial--Sometimes, sharing can be a bad thing . . . (Brett Walton, Bridgewater, Va.) * First Runner-Up: The Donner Party--You know how sometimes you can get so hungry you might even eat cauliflower? Well . . . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * And the winner of the Elvis-Nixon T-shirt: Do you remember when you used to have that dog named Corky, but one day you came home from school and Corky wasn't there anymore, and your parents said Corky ran away to join the circus, and that you should be happy for him? Well, yesterday President Kennedy ran away to join the circus! (Mary Lou French, Lorton) * Honorable Mentions: Comedian John Belushi died yesterday from an overdose of a drug known as a "speedball." A speedball is an injection of heroin mixed with cocaine. Mr. Belushi's death should be an important lesson to young people. Never mix your heroin with cocaine. (Russell W. Beland, Springfield)(New York, Oct. 29, 1929)--You've probably all seen the mighty airship Graf Zeppelin in the newsreels. Now imagine that instead of hydrogen, it was filled with sausage meat. That would be about the size of the weenie that Wall Street bit today. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) The arrival of the Black Death means that more of us are dying than ever before. Most experts attribute this to the wrath of God, though some people think that witchcraft was responsible. It's important to avoid the plague yourself, so be sure to collect any corpses, heretics or old crones around your home and burn them. A fun project you can do is to make a whip from old shoelaces and flay yourself. Get your folks to help you--if they're still alive! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) The Spanish Inquisition--On a long wagon trip, have you ever asked your parents, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Yesterday Orville Wright and his brother Wilbur flew in the air for 105 feet in their "Flyer." This is way farther than you could fly if you were to jump off your roof or something. Ooops. you didn't hear that from us. (David Genser, Arlington) The story of Zeus and Leda-- Sometimes, when a very powerful god, who is married to another powerful and jealous god, loves a woman, he does so disguised as a waterfowl . . . (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Let's play Galileo! (1) Find the moons of Jupiter with your telescope. (2) Tell everyone about it. (3) Lock yourself in your room for nine years. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) The waning days of the Civil War--Are you a relatively fit boy between the ages of 9 and 13? If so, this is to inform you that you have been drafted. Bring this page with you to your local recruiting station . . . (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) May 19, 1962-- Last night, a really pretty movie star came to President Kennedy's birthday party and sang "Happy Birthday." Marilyn Monroe put on her prettiest party dress and everyone, especially the president, was really excited! (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) The creation of KidsPost--From now on we are going to print news stories just for you, like this one. It is really important that you read these stories every day. To make sure you read these stories, your mom and dad should have the paper delivered to your house every day. If they don't already have the paper delivered, you need to go find Mom or Dad's wallet, get out one of their credit cards and call us at . . . (Russ Beland, Springfield) The Protestant Reformation-- Have you ever wondered how the wine turns into the blood of Jesus? Well, now a priest in Germany has been wondering about the same thing, and . . . (Russ Beland, Springfield) Deep Throat--Sometimes it's fun to pretend you have an imaginary friend! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Watergate coverup--Lots of people, including reporters from this newspaper, are trying to find out everything that happened when some men broke into an office in a building called the Watergate. If your dad works for the White House and talks about his job when he gets home, call Bob Woodward at . . . (Russ Beland, Springfield) * The Uncle's Pick: March 5, 1993, the creation of The Style Invitational-- Hey, kids. Now KidsPost is no longer the only feature in this paper aimed at 9- to 13-year-olds . . . (Michael Sharkey, Cambridge, Mass.) (The Uncle Explains: This is funny because it is true.) Next Week: Capital Pun-ishment ====================================================================== WEEK 351, published May 28, 2000 Week XVIII (351): Employing Irony Don Rickles: Grief counselor Amish person: VCR repairman Person with narcolepsy: Air traffic controller This Week's Contest: Bad career choices. You may include explanations if necessary. This contest was suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield, who says his career has been "a series of bad job choices." Russ works in national security. First-prize winner gets something really special: We came up with this prize after our boss, Deborah the Nice, gently wondered if we might be willing to clean out the overflowing Style Invitational prize locker in the interests of maintaining a tidy office environment, and fostering harmonious relations with our co-workers, and remaining employed past next Thursday. This week's prize is a Giant Sack of Crap. Specifically, it is a lawn-size Hefty garbage bag filled with prizes accumulated over the years that do not quite fit The Invitational's exacting standards for prize quality. We do not wish to spoil the surprise for the lucky winner, but will reveal that this bag includes such must-have items as official NASCAR bath soap, four unused rolls of vintage 1950s-era flypaper, and a prototype two-headed men's safety razor that supposedly can speed-shave a face in 20 seconds, but for some reason appears not to have made it past the prototype stage. This package is priceless. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XVIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, June 5. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Report FROM WEEK XIV (347), in which you were asked to contrive elaborate scenarios that end in painful puns. As usual for a contest such as this, the Steal Invitationalists were out in force, submitting anciently unoriginal jokes as their own: You can't heat your kayak and have it, too; with fronds like that, who needs anemones; I can see Claire Lee now, Lorraine has gone; transporting gulls over a staid lion for immortal porpoises; only Hugh can prevent florist friars; picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus; repaint and thin no more; making an obscene clone fall; and of course, the creakiest, rheumiest granddaddy of them all: No pun in ten did. We are pretty sure those below are original. * Second Runner-Up: Maggie Thatcher went to see the doctor about a painful boil. The doctor told his nurse to administer a local anesthetic and let him know when she was ready for treatment. When the nurse returned, the doctor said: "Is Thatcher Fine? I'll Lance Her." (Chris Doyle, Burke) * First Runner-Up: Lithuania's King Lothar loved golf. Competing in a tournament at the famed Pair of Dice golf course in Las Vegas, Lothar and his partner finished the 18th hole leading the field at one stroke over par. Waiting nervously in the clubhouse, however, he received bad news about his rivals' results: "They played Pair of Dice and put up a par, King Lot."(Sue Lin Chong, Washington) * And the winner of the huge men's underpants: Two park rangers are making their rounds in the Rockies when they discover a guy named Nathan erecting an oil rig on the side of a mountain. He explains that he has been inspired by those ads on the radio, and has decided to drill for beer. The rangers are going to issue a citation, but decide to do something crueler: let him try. Winking to his partner, one ranger observes that since the mountain won't really be injured, "Why don't we just let Nate here take its Coors?" (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) * Honorable Mentions: After a series of box office failures, Arnold Schwarzenegger's career was in trouble. Then he made a comeback with a triumphant performance on Broadway as the lead in a production of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf," with background music based on the Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. When asked the secret of his newfound success, Arnold said: "Albee-Bach." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Intrigued by rumors that a group of Tennessee Jews has been successfully marketing a brand of chewing tobacco, kosher food giant Manischewitz sends someone to investigate. He approaches a group of men loitering outside a Baptist church, spitting into cans, and he asks: "Pardon me, goys, is that the Chattanooga Jews' chew?" (Charles Frick, Kensington) Who would have thought that Chris Evert would get caught doing cocaine? No athletes are showing her any public sympathy, except for one ex-Yankee. As might be expected, "Strawberry feels for Evert." (Chris Doyle, Burke) A man is trying to decide between two careers in journalism: He wants either to be an investigative reporter, spending much of his time digging through files like a mole, or to write an advice column. He consults an editor friend, who cautions him against both paths, with the immortal advice: "Neither a burrower nor Ann Landers be." (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The Enterprise had an important assignment to stop a civil war on a distant planet. On the way it would pass the aptly named planet Allure, inhabited by beautiful, naked, sex-starved women. Capt. Kirk's orders were clear: He was to proceed directly to the war-torn planet. If he visited the women's planet, he surely couldn't put it on his captain's log. When his communications officer asked him what he was going to do, he said: "Tour Allure, Uhura. Tour Allure and lie." (Scott Owens, Alexandria) It is a little-known fact that Golda Meir's fierce nationalism was forged when she was a young woman. Golda had a waitressing job on the Haifa ferry, serving smoked-salmon snacks to travelers. She was deeply moved when, one day, the ferry had to transport for burial the bodies of three civilians killed by terrorists. To this day Israeli children are told "the ferry tale of Golda, lox and the three biers." (Chris Doyle, Burke) Animal activist Bo Derek was horrified to learn that the queen of England wears antique sable coats. When she confronted the queen at a recent London affair, Elizabeth responded haughtily: "Some wear old fur to reign, Bo." (Chris Doyle, Burke) One day the famous gastronome Oliver Hardy was so hungry he ground his partner to bits, chicken-fried him and sealed him in tins. When confronted by his director, Ollie admitted it but begged forgiveness. Since Hardy was the studio's meal ticket, the director agreed to say nothing. In fact, he was hungry himself, and proposed a banquet: "If you canned Stan to eat, get out the ketchup." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * The Uncle's Pick: I sent in 10 different puns in the hope that at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. (Dave Walcher, Belcamp) (The Uncle Explains: I happen to think sharing is good.) Next Week: When We're LXIV ====================================================================== WEEK 352, published June 4, 2000 Week 352 (XIX) : A Laff Riot Westinghouse--n., Elmer Fudd's vacation home. Gore-Tex--n., the crack staff of computer experts who helped the vice president invent the Internet. Procter & Gamble--n., the risky act of cheating on one's SATs under the watchful eye of a teacher. Integra--n., a trendy new pill that stiffens one's moral backbone. Renuzit--n., acne that does not respond to topical medication. Memorex--n., the precise moment that Shirley MacLaine recalls a previous life as a dinosaur. This Week's Contest is a variation of Liffs, one of the most successful contests from years past. With Liffs, you had to take the name of a place and provide it a new definition. (Peoria--n., That ecstatic feeling one gets from relieving a full bladder.) In this contest, which we'll call Laffs, you must do the same but with the names of companies and/or their commercial products. (Must be a trademark product: You can use "Bronco" but not "sport utility vehicle." Products may be current, or from the past.) First-prize winner gets a stainless steel object the Czar picked up in an antique store in Charlottesville. It is a heavy-duty tool, with gears and a crank. It looks as if it might be used by a roofer or a plumber or drywall installer, but it turns out it is a previously owned surgical device used to spread one's chest in open-heart surgery. It is worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be- coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XIX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, June 12. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Report FROM WEEK XV (348), in which you were asked to construct your own contest from a mix-and-match menu of formats, subjects and limitations, allowing 64 possible combinations. * Second Runner-Up: (A short poem about an undergarment, in the style of a famous author, Allen Ginsberg) I saw the best buns of my generation clad in bikini-cut briefs. High-hanging models gaunt-cheeked staring from bulimiaed pages of Victoria's Secret, whose readers intoned impossible pantyhosannas. Who flipped through hip images juxtaposed in slick IPO capitalist layouts, flipping through a dark satin underworld S/M/L/XL, flipping backward and forward mumbling incantations of papercut delirium, a doomed hollow-eyed joyride endlessly seeking out London and France. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * First Runner-Up:(An analogy related to a household appliance that contains an unfortunate factual error) The vacuum cleaner is the FBI agent of appliances. Its job is to track down, suck up and bag the dirt of society. Then, just like its inventor, J. Edgar Hoover, it spends its off-duty time in the closet. (Susan Reese, Arlington) * And the winner of the buck grunt call: (A short poem about NAFTA and its relationship to pending minimum- wage legislation in the style of Dr. Seuss, that also contains an analogy, an aphorism and a sentence beginning with "Did you ever wonder why," as well as references to an undergarment, a household appliance and a 19th-century event, while committing an unfortunate factual error, executing a clever double-entendre and including a statement that would absolutely enrage Marisleysis Gonzalez) Did you ever wonder why The lowest wage is not so high? It's the fault of Uncle Sam. Am I angry, Sam? I am! It started very long ago With a man named James Monroe Who made us one with other lands --With peons and their outstretched hands. James began the paycheck-steal. An act of Congress nailed the deal. And sired the monster that is NAFTA. (Can't you hear the Mexicans' lafta?) And now that the populace panics and panics We bring in bureaucrat budget mechanics! The boys in the press give this barely a mention As one Cuban brat distracts their attention. And now our poor wages NAFTA will gnaw Which just goes to prove that clever old saw: "Government's like a bad laundry machine: It goes round and round, yet our undies ain't clean." (Mike Elliott, Oberlin, Ohio) * Honorable Mentions: (A short poem about an undergarment, in the style of Ernest Lawrence Thayer) There is no joy in Mudville. Our team has given up. Casey's writhing on the ground. The dork forgot his cup. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) (A short poem about a household appliance that would absolutely enrage Marisleysis Gonzalez) My coffee machine does not work. Though it boils the water it does not perk. The stuff it spews no one swallows It's exactly like Marisleysis Gonzalez. (Mary Jane Mitchell, Ellicott City) (A short poem about an undergarment that contains a clever double- entendre) What a strange thing the thong seems to me. It takes "brief" quite too literally. As it flosses your rear, You will find it, I fear, Not as fun as it's cracked up to be. (Susan Reese, Arlington) (An analogy about NAFTA and its effect on pending minimum-wage legislation that would absolutely enrage Marisleysis Gonzalez) NAFTA has done to the American worker what NAMBLA wants to do to Elian Gonzalez. (Mike Elliott, Oberlin, Ohio) (A short poem about a household appliance, written in the style of John Keats) Ode to a Lint Trap Thine aerie perched amidst the vents, In multihued magnificence, Bears wonders washroom weavers wrought From soiled shirts and speed-dried frocks, Might somewhere in your net be caught Those e'er elusive missing socks? (Steve Fahey, Kensington) (A short poem about an undergarment that would absolutely enrage Marisleysis Gonzalez) The Cuban nationals were elated Knowing Elian's return was fated As his granny glanced In his underpants And confirmed he had been Castro-ated. (Art Simpsen, Alexandria) (A short poem about a household appliance containing an unfortunate factual error) My hair dryer is a great machine, A staple in my daily routine. It runs on clean electric power, Safe to use in tub or shower. (Annette Florence, Ithaca, N.Y.) (A short poem about an undergarment, in the style of Dr. Seuss, containing a clever double-entendre) Yertle the Girdle was ruler of all In the kingdom of Gluteus Max. He was ruler of lumpies and Big plumpy bumpies and Things that fell through the cracks. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) (A short poem about an undergarment that contains a clever double- entendre) Unhooking bras, Backseat a-haze! Everything but . . . Such heady days! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) (A short poem about an undergarment that contains a clever double- entendre) These days Tanzania Is getting pretty chic. Its fame grows on beaches Cheek by cheek by cheek. See, men's slingshot bikinis Are driving women balmy Where'er one's appearing, It's "Dar-es-salami!" (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) * The Uncle's Pick: (An analogy about a household appliance that contains a clever double-entendre) My garbage disposal is like my stomach. It eats a lot of offal; I eat an awful lot. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The Uncle Explains: The joke here is a pun on the words "awful" and "offal." (Not all double-entendres have to be smutty.) Next Week: Haikukus ====================================================================== WEEK 353, published June 11, 2000 Week XX (353): Patently Silly This Week's Contest: Patent applications have been filed for each of these devices, but the Patent Office has lost the descriptions of what they do. Can you help out? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a copy of "Cuss Control," one of the strangest new books around. A self-help manual on how to control your cursing, it's a somewhat prudish little volume, yet manages to spend a fair number of its pages enumerating, with great specificity, all the awful words one must never say. On Page 12 alone, for example, the S-word is used 31 times. The book is filled with fabulously important advice, such as substituting for the F-word "fudge" or "fiddlesticks." This book, somehow, manages to go on for 235 pages. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, June 19. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Report FROM WEEK XVI (349), in which we asked you to create haikus using words in headlines from that day's Washington Post. We are pleased to report that Mary Lee Fox Roe of Mount Kisco, N.Y., submitted 484 entries, which, while still far shy of the Style Invitational record for entries to a single contest (607 entries by, er, Mary Lee Fox Roe of Mount Kisco, N.Y.), should remain an inspiration to dedicated obsessive-compulsives everywhere. * Fourth Runner-Up: Love falters, you go. Orioles lose sixth straight game. And that's the good news.(Mary A. Clippinger, Columbia) * Third Runner-Up: Me, myself and I Me me me me me me me Me, I'm the Donald (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) * Second Runner-Up: Hit big tobacco. Bankruptcy not good enough. Drop dead of cancer. (Russell Beland, Springfield) * First Runner-Up: The perfect bottom (Nothing seems to shake behind) Still topples titans. (Susan Reese, Arlington) * And the winner of the wooden rattrap from 1911: George Bush is so smart And Al Gore is so funny. Check is in the mail. (David Genser, Arlington) * Honorable Mentions: You get boys or girls. Consequences a gamble. Lottery of life. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Thousands expected. "Tens of Thousands Expected." We're overstating. (R. Scott Rogers, Washington) Relentless news leads. War, shooting, killing, murder. No news is good news. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Click on "I love you." Stop! A Web bacteria. Again, love backfires. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Clinton love-crime past Victory in the Senate Face it, what is, is. (Russell Beland, Springfield) He cheats on Mom. The importance of silence. Mum's to the Senate. (Chelsea Clinton, Palo Alto; Russell Beland, Springfield) Uncertain justice. Nation wins tech suit and tells Microsoft: Byte me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What ticks women off? Jealously guarded secrets, Love, and basketball. (Arthur Litoff, Dillsburg, Pa.) The party's over. Knight assumes the position. Sure embarrassing. (William Bradford, Washington) The Grrrls next door say: "Clueless love is majestic." Like, I don't think so. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Acronyms rout me. Battle-weary, I collapse. D.C. agencies. (David Genser, Arlington) "More disease! More death!" Bacteria rally here. The billion mom march. (David Genser, Arlington) Trailing in bottom And staring at forever, Giuliani quits. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Gore discounts polls, doubts Of political silence In death as in life. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) A difficult thing Perils of Prosperity Tell me about it. (Rich Weaver, Waldorf) * The Uncle's Pick: Different path for The Style Invitational Embarrassing me. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) The Uncle Explains: When a poem doesn't rhyme/ I seldom find it fine./ But this one, oh gracious!/ It's just so veracious. Next Week: Dubya Fun ====================================================================== WEEK 354, published June 18, 2000 Week XXI (354): Everyone's a Critic If William Faulkner reviewed a Quarter Pounder With Cheese for The Washington Post: Through the arches, between the yellow-line parking spaces, I could see them flipping. They were flipping along the counter and I went inside. Lester was working in his apron by the straw dispenser. They took the beef out and they were flipping. Then they put on the cheese, and he flipped and the other flipped. Then they went on, and I went along the counter. Lester came away from the straw dispenser and we went along the counter, and they stopped and we stopped and I looked past the counter while Lester worked in his apron. If Dave Barry reviewed escargots for The Washington Post: The French have given the world many fine things--Catherine Deneuve, snotty waiters who talk like they are always throwing up, those mincing little dogs they groom to look like topiary at a Fire Island disco, etc.--but until I got to taste escargots (literally, "boogers in a shell") I did not have a full appreciation of the French, their culture, their mores, their uncanny ability to make the entire rest of the world seem normal by comparison, and in this I am including the great nation of Togo, where they eat raw goose feet for breakfast. (Come to think of it, "Raw Goose Feet for Breakfast" would be an excellent name for a rock band.) This Week's Contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Stephen, who was trying to help The Washington Post find a replacement for retiring restaurant critic Phyllis Richman, suggests that we try out some great writers, living or dead. Your challenge is to adopt the style of a famous writer and review any of these dishes: a Quarter Pounder With Cheese; poached salmon in tarragon butter; SweeTARTS; escargots; vanilla ice cream; or vacuum-sealed smorked beef rectum. First-prize winner receives a vacuum-sealed package of "smorked beef rectum," imported from Japan, a $1,600 value. It's the second time this particular prize has been awarded; for some reason, the original winner declined it. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, June 26. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Winners will be chosen on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Results FROM WEEK XVII (350), in which you were asked to rewrite well-known statements the way George W. Bush might have uttered them. This proved difficult. There were more than 2,000 entries, but most didn't quite understand the wondrous thing that is a Bushism. A Bushism is not merely a Spoonerism ("the hirsute of pappiness") or a malapropism or a Freudian slip, and it certainly is not a politically blunt bon mot ("Give me liberty to give them death"). A Bushism is a magnificent pratfall of the cerebral cortex, in which a lifetime of experience and learning and intuition comes hurtling out upside down and backward, wearing its underpants on its head. * Third Runner-Up: "It ain't over till the fat lady eats." (John Kammer, Herndon) * Second Runner-Up: "If I have seen further it's because I have stood on the shoulders of giant ants." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * First Runner-Up: "I, George Walker Bush, do solemnly swear I will execute the president of the United States . . ." (Chris Doyle, Burke; Joseph Romm, Washington) * And the winner of the facade tile from the set of "Beverly Hills, 90210": "It's Al Gore and me. Eye to eye. Toe to toe. Guano a guano." (David Genser, Arlington) * Honorable Mentions: "The whole country is going to hurl in a handbasket."(David Genser, Arlington) "I believe in the sanctimony of human life." (Steve Wennberg, York Springs, Pa.) "Criminals should just get their desserts." (Mike Genz, La Plata) "Politics makes strange bedwetters." (David Genser, Arlington) "When someone offers you drugs, just say, 'Not right now.' " (Sandra Hull, Arlington) "It's the stupid economy." (Robin D. Grove, Laurel) "The NRA won't support me if I denounce gun violence, and the voters won't support me if I do. It's a real Colt .22." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Is the pope a Cadillac?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "You have to break a few eggs to make a chicken." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "My fellow Americanites . . . ." (Ben Aronin, White Plains, N.Y.) "More fun than shooting a barrel of monkeys." (Brad Cooper, Washington; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, that middle part of the thingy before you get near the end." (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Been that. Done there." (David Genser, Arlington) "We have nothing to fear but fear we must." (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) "All wind broke loose." (Kevin Marshall, Alexandria) "I believe our children are the furniture." (David Genser, Arlington) * The Uncle's Pick: "That is a thing with which I am down." (Russell Beland, Springfield) The Uncle Explains: This is a gentle jibe at the careless if colorful patois of America's youngsters, who have borrowed some expressions from the rap (or so-called "hop-hop") generation. I am told that one of these expressions is "I am down with that," which means, in more conventional language, "I heartily approve." By rephrasing the expression in more syntactically correct and understandable terms, the author provides a template for proper speech while underscoring how George W. Bush does not always have his "stuff together," as the kids might say. Next Week: Employing Irony ====================================================================== WEEK 355, published June 25, 2000 Week XXII (355): Seeing Stars Offer as first prize a baseball autographed by both Ty Cobb and Noam Chomsky, in the hope of attracting George F. Will. Permit celebrities to append personal messages to their entries. Example: "What's going on in this cartoon is that a former SS guard is wearing a toilet as a hat! Ha ha! In my new movie I do not once wear a bra!" (Jennifer Aniston, Hollywood) Encourage has-been celebs to use code to communicate with their long-uninterested agents, their true messages revealed in every third word of their Style Invitational entries. Example: "Call it crazy. Me, I say I'm always perplexed, even stunned when, willing or not, to any end, film creates not a gem but trashy rot: ad, infomercial, whatever, going for anything that depends on stupidity." (Harvey Korman, Hollywood) This Week's Contest was indirectly suggested by Cheryl C. Kagan of Rockville. Cheryl is a frequent entrant to The Style Invitational who this week earns her first ink. What makes Cheryl special is that she is a celebrity, a member of the Maryland House of Delegates. We looked her up in The Post's database, and found that she is actually the legislator who introduced and passed the bill outlawing tinted license-plate covers for motor vehicles. The way we see it, there's no reason The Style Invitational should not attract other big-name celebrities to our page. Why should Cheryl have to carry the whole burden herself? This week's contest: How can The Style Invitational do this? Tell us ways we can attract celebrity participation to the contest--either from celebrities in general or from specific celebrities. You can propose wholesale changes to The Invitational itself, or certain contests designed to attract the big cheeses. First-prize winner gets the Doodoo Doodler, a pen disguised to look like poo. ("Ergonomically designed, helps stop that pen-chewing habit.") This is worth $10. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational LoserT-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-Shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, July 3. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Report FROM WEEK XVIII (351), in which we asked you to come up with bad career choices. We rejected one genre of entry, because it was too easy. Nice try but no cigar for those who proposed Lance Ito as judge, Michael Bolton as singer, George W. Bush as president, etc. Likewise, our compliments but no prizes to those who went for linguistic plays, such as Chris Doyle of Burke, who suggested e.e. cummings as a venture capitalist, or Roger Dalrymple of Potomac Falls, who proposed Bill Clinton as an internist. * Second Runner-Up: Any member of the O.J. Simpson jury: Rocket scientist.(Tom Witte, Bethesda) * First Runner-Up: George W. Bush: Fig plucker. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * And the winner of the huge bag of crap: e.e. cummings: NY POST HEADLINE WRITER! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * Honorable Mentions: Count Dracula: Crucifix repairman. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) A man with drooling problem: Gynecologist. (Robert Oshinsky, North Bethesda) Alan Greenspan: Laker girl. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Calista Flockhart: Wet nurse. (Robin D. Grove, Laurel; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) O.J. Simpson: Host of "America's Most Wanted." (Bob Snider, Owings, Md.) Shaquille O'Neal: Chimney sweep. (Chris Doyle, Rockville) A nudist: Fry cook. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac; Sandra Hull, Arlington) Pablo Picasso: Police sketch artist. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville; Joseph Romm, Washington; Russell Beland, Annandale) Pinocchio: Professional poker player. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Someone with an involuntary twitch: Symphony conductor. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Big Bird: Film noir villain. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Gallagher: Watermelon farmer. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Wicked Witch of the West: Lifeguard. (Cindy Hargroves, Great Falls; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Fran Drescher: The voice of Darth Vader. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Any career counselor: Career counselor. (Shomon Shamsuddin, Baltimore) A one-armed midget albino: Mugger. ("Can I describe the man? Well . . .") (Russell Beland, Annandale) A hysteric: Hostage negotiator. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Michael Jordan: President, Hair Club for Men. (Cheryl C. Kagan, Rockville) A dyslexic: Directory assistance operator. (Russell Beland, Annandale) Frosty the Snowman: Gynecologist. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) A hemophiliac: Rose pruner. (Russell Beland, Annandale) Yogi Berra: Simultaneous translator. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) John Rocker: Closer, New York Mets. (Russell Beland, Annandale) Cal Ripken: Temp. (Steve Moore, Alexandria) A hypochondriac: Hooker. (Marc Tolerico, Herndon) Superman: Kryptonite salesman. (Roger Dalrymple, Potomac Falls) A compulsive gambler: Secretary of the Treasury. (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) Kathie Lee Gifford: Mime. (Deborah Weisbrod, Woodbridge) A bull: China shop proprietor. (Scott Owens, Alexandria) The Uncle: The Czar. (John Wildt, Vienna; Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax; Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) * The Uncle's Pick: The Uncle: The Uncle. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Uncle Explains: This is funny because it is ironic. On the one hand, the writer might be saying that The Uncle is not doing a good job at the small watchdog role to which he has been consigned. Or, alternatively, the writer could be intimating that The Uncle's talents are being squandered in this minimal role, and is subtly lobbying for a major change in the organization of the contest he loves. Next Week: A Laff Riotf ====================================================================== WEEK 356, published July 2, 2000 Week XXIII (356): Med Icks Suppositives: Rectally administered antidepressants. I Can't Believe It's Not Cancer: A drug that treats hypochondria. Buffyrin: A drug to finally kill the undead. Klepto-Bismol: A cure for the compulsion to steal. This Week's Contest was proposed by the Czarevich of the Style Invitational as he was leafing through the entries to Week XIX, below. The lad suggested that we reverse the concept: Require people to invent a clever name for a new medical product, and specify the condition it would treat. Patiently, we explained that this was too difficult an idea, even for grown-ups, at which point the little snot came up with the first example above, in approximately 11 seconds. So we said: Okay. That's the contest. First-prize winner gets a gargantuan bra and panties given away to journalists as promotional material by the producers of the jackass comedy flop "Big Momma's House," in the hopes of getting good publicity from newspapers like this one. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, July 10. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Report FROM WEEK XIX (352), in which we asked you to come up with Laffs, new definitions for the names of commercial products. A good idea too popular to reward with a prize: "Microsoft" as an antidote for a Viagra overdose. And no, we aren't printing the many fine entries involving the products "Die Hard" and "Wish-Bone." * Fourth Runner-Up--Snickers: Goofy-looking underpants. (Saul Rosen, Rockville) * Third Runner-Up--John Deere: A letter from a dyslexic announcing the end of a relationship. (Robin D. Grove, Laurel) * Second Runner-Up--Ty-D-Bol: Martha Stewart Lanes. (Gary M. Welsh, Cabin John) * First Runner-Up--Dumpster: A sleazy lawyer specializing in divorce.(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) * And the winner of the surgical chest spreader: Evian: Holy water distilled from the tears of Saint Marisleysis. (Jennifer Nelson, Washington) * Honorable Mentions: Play-Doh: A boneheaded move by an actor during a live performance, such as accidentally saying "To beat, or not to beat." (Mike Moore, Gaithersburg) Stayfree Minipad: An in-town executive perk. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Tylenol: The degree to which wives insist the bathroom must be cleaned. (Martin Bredeck, Community, Va.) Efferdent: An expletive uttered after finding your car dinged in a parking lot. (Russell Beland, Annandale) Prego, Eggo: (1) Pregnant with a baby human. (2) Pregnant with a baby bird. (Erik Spolnicki, Silver Spring) The Clapper: The Typhoid Mary of gonorrhea. (Russell Beland, Annandale) Warner Brothers: To notify a girl's male siblings of the lascivious intentions of an impending prom date. (James Pierce, Charlottesville) Rolex: A spontaneous sex act with a former spouse. (Liz Smith, Burke) Ex-Lax: A listing of the shortcomings of a former spouse. (Randal Wetzel, Hagerstown) Budweiser: That mistakenly omniscient feeling one gets from smoking pot. (Robin D. Grove, Laurel) Advil: An experimental community where one pays no property taxes but every square inch of sidewalk and wall space is filled with billboards and other commercial come-ons. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) Playtex: To be all hat and no cattle. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Montgomery Ward: The wing of a loony bin reserved for urban planners who think more highways are the solution to traffic congestion. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Bear Stearns: How a proctologist recognizes his patients. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Fidelity Investments: Chastity belts. (Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac) Cuisinart: Art that makes you queasy, such as that elephant-dung Virgin. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Duncan Yo-Yos: Doughnuts that keep coming back up on you. (Jerome Duncan, Annandale) Calgon: The period of mourning after Ripken retires. (Stu Solomon, Springfield) M&M: Similar to S&M, except both people just sit there waiting for the other to start. (Russell Beland, Annandale) J.C. Penney: A very rare coin, dating from early A.D. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Del Monte: The Royal Colombian Mounted Police. (Martin Bredeck, Community, Va.) Paine Webber: A cyber-sadist. (Chris Doyle, Burke) FedEx: Alimony. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Frosted Flakes: Dumb blondes. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Kleenex: The rating of a movie with lots of violence but no sex. (John Held, Fairfax) Ritz Crackers: Wealthy rednecks. (John Held, Fairfax) o.b.: A deodorant for dyslexics (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Texas Instruments: Electric chairs (Joseph Romm, Washington; David Genser, Arlington) Smith & Wesson: One of those nights involving an anonymous stranger and vegetable oil. (David Genser, Arlington) Oral-B: Similar to a spelling bee, used to hire White House interns. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Motorola: A bribe resulting in choice seats at a NASCAR event. (Ray Ratajczak, Arbutus, Md.) Time Warner: An alarm clock. (Mike Elliott, Oberlin, Ohio) Johnson & Johnson: A male couple. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Yoplait: A rap musical. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * The Uncle's Pick: IBM: What a 2-year-old says before you need to change him. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Uncle Explains: This was just so cute. Next Week: A Laff Riot ====================================================================== WEEK 357, published July 9, 2000 Week XXIV (357): Coming to a Bad End Call me Ishmael--or Mike or Steve, but definitely not Hubert. It is a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever known, thanks to NyQuil[reg] 24-Hour Cold Caps. Now is the winter of our discontent, having barely recovered from the autumn of our constipation. This Week's Contest was proposed by Connie Sancetta of Vienna.Connie suggests that you take some immortal line from literature or film and ruin it by adding a short phrase or sentence. First-prize winner gets a Herbert Hoover doll, a foot-tall "fully poseable" figure with "authentic changeable outfits," made in Kowloon. The suit that Herbert is wearing appears to have been tailored by blind Russian peasants in the 1950s. This doll, which is worth $100, is part of a "Leaders of the World" series that appears to include only George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison and Hoover. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXIV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, July 19. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Report FROM WEEK XX (353), in which we asked you to tell us the use for any of five inventions. One of the finest answers ever that proved too popular to reward with a prize, for Cartoon A: The new menage a trois version of spin the bottle. Another good answer, for Cartoon E: a Swiss Army helicopter. * Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) A mood ring indicates the wearer is "brooding." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * First Runner-Up: (Cartoon C) Mary Poppins's last umbrella. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Martin Bredeck, Community, Va.) * And the winner of the self-help manual "Cuss Control": (Cartoon A) A handy product for drunks on teeter-totters. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) * Honorable Mentions: CARTOON A: Heinz's new solution to the problem of ketchup sticking to the bottom of the bottle.(Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) CARTOON B: A cygnet ring. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Barnum & Bailey was hopeful over its new act, the chicken on a unicycle. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) This is the Super Bowl ring awarded to members of the losing team--the threat of humiliation always makes a game more exciting. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Beltway ring, worn whenever you need to flip the bird to other motorists. (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.) An error in communication between the waiter and the cook at Hong Fat's. The customer distinctly asked for chicken wings. The chef just did what he was told. (James Pierce,Charlottesville) A cocktail ring. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) A bracelet for men who always want to be seen with a chick on their arm. (Russell Beland, Annandale) CARTOON C: An Acme Exploding Manhole Cover Catcher. Sales are brisk in Georgetown. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) This is an umbrella for very windy days. When it blows inside out, you're good to go. (Evan Golub, Beltsville) An extremely stable cane for extremely old people (shown upside down). (Greg Pickens, Washington) CARTOON D: The very first digital clock. (Nick Olsen, Silver Spring) This timepiece is perfect for when your computer mouse runs up the clock. (Russell Beland, Annandale) CARTOON E: Phyllis Richman's getaway vehicle. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A new device to help helicopters negotiate through fog as thick as pea soup. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) CARTOON F: A toe-jam serving spoon. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Fred Flintstone's brake pad. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Cannibals love this foot holder as much as vegetarians love those corn holders. (Russell Beland, Annandale) CARTOON G: A ball for the arrogant bowler, permitting him to roll a strike and dis his opponent in one fluid motion. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) The pizza-size black olive, the newest invention of the same food industry that brought us the hamburger-size pickle. (Annette Florence, Ithaca, N.Y.) The obvious design flaw in the Death Star should have been foreseeable to the Empire. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The new Viagra medicine ball. (David Moore, Bowie) This is a representation of the Earth as it would exist if I finally get elected president. The hole is where Moscow used to be. (Lyndon LaRouche, Loudoun County; Ned Bent, Leesburg) John Bobbitt's new line of protective men's sleepwear. (Sarah Haut, Washington) * The Uncle's Pick: (Cartoon C) As we all know, when it rains it rains pennies from Heaven, and a penny saved is a penny earned, thus . . . (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) The Uncle Explains: There is wisdom in old saws. Here's another one that happens to occur to me just now: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Next Week: Everyone's a Critic ====================================================================== WEEK 358, published July 16, 2000 Week XXV (358): Finish the Fire This Week's Contest was suggested by J.J. Gertler of Arlington, who points out that an entire decade has passed since Billy Joel wrote his anthem to world misery, "We Didn't Start the Fire." With remarkable economy, Joel deftly summarized the years of his life in a few short lines. Printed elsewhere on this page are the original lyrics covering the years 1961-89. But what about the '90s? That's your challenge. Finish the song, from 1990 to the present, in Joel's quirky rhythm and rhyme, and in a maximum of four lines. The first-prize winner gets a genuine Elvis-stamp watch, a $25 value. The first runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-Shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. The deadline is Monday, July 24. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Entries will be judged on the basis of humor and originality, and all become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Report FROM WEEK XXI (354), in which you were asked to write a food review for The Washington Post in the style of a famous author. There were six topics: a Quarter Pounder With Cheese, SweeTARTS, vanilla ice cream, escargots, poached salmon in tarragon butter and vacuum-sealed smorked beef rectum. * Second Runner-Up-- Upton Sinclair: It all begins in the slaughterhouse. Pools of fetid fluid, sometimes ankle deep when the drains are clogged, make the footing treacherous. A skilled butcher can strip the meat from the bone faster than the eye can catch. And if, as often is the case, he makes a mistake and takes off his thumb, no one is overly concerned, and your Quarter Pounder With Cheese will just be that much tastier, profits that much higher.(Russell Beland, Annandale) * First Runner-Up-- William Shakespeare: Her neck's a column white, and colours fair Upon her cheek proclaim'd virtue within. No vitamins or fat would I find there, But sugar, fructose, sugar yet again. Her sweetness does e'er lend the poor girl grace. Although the wench must bear the name of "tart." My breath came short, my pulse increas'd its pace, That fiery humour, Love, had seized my heart. Perhaps the heart just says I've had my fill Of sugar in the blood, and yet to tear Her wrapping off I do continue still, 'Til she's like Lady Eve, with naught to wear. I love SweeTARTS; now with th' pox I rot; Dentistry's still bad, so that's my lot. (Keeley Schell, Fairfax) * And the winner of the smorked beef rectum-- Cole Porter: If your gal is curvy And the mood is all hors d'oeuvre-y And you're nervy for the prelude's to-and-fro You could deftly unshell her With some Oysters Rockefeller But slip her the es-car-gots. [bridge] Strapless stunners in Manhattan All appreciate a pat in Just the right place, The Rainbow Room, they say! When the first wine is uncorked There is something they want forked. Slip her escargots, The fore before the play! With some garlic and some butter You will find that creeper utterly delicious when on lips you let it glow! It's the quo before the quid And the way to grease the id When you slip her the es-car-gots! (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) * Honorable Mentions-- Miss Manners: The first rule in eating an unusual food, such as escargots, is to avoid making others feel uncomfortable. For this reason, it is decidedly rude to talk to your escargots, or to give the individual snails names. Avoid saying things like, "Oh, you're a big one, I think I'll name you Patricia. Would you like a little salt, Patricia? No? Very well, then!" (Russell Beland, Annandale) Ernest Hemingway: In the evenings we would sit at the little tables near Dupont Circle and wedge matchbooks under the uneven legs and finish many botas, and the camareri would bring the big fish. They would flay him just so, pink flesh like a wound still wet and quivering, and then we knew that strong men had brought him down. At first the fish is not there and then the fish is there, open mouth like the big mortar craters we saw near Valencia, and you shoot him on the rise with the Mannlicher and he stops, learning to die well. They would bring him to the little table anointed with butter, but the women with their fingers, being women, would rub him with tarragon, as women do. (Robert J. McManus, Bethesda) Philip Roth: I, Nathan Zuckerman, have concluded that McDonald's irresistible Quarter Pounder With Cheese--goydom's slap in the face that conspicuously mixes meat and cheese--is actually part of the grand conspiracy of holydom. It was cooked up by the very same Talmudic scholars who invented the shiksa as the ultimate forbidden fruit. To be lusted after. Pursued. And, in ultimo, consumed, in order to continue the race. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Jane Austen: I cannot like it. Modesty forbids me to name the item; suffice it to say, it is a delicacy with which the diner can never be too unfamiliar. (Wendy Lindboe, Glenn Dale) James Joyce: Yes I said yes. Time for a nice scream. Algid slipslop of vanillasap. Sweeetfrostmulch. Cold slurpsoup. Coolpap desert. Brought by a commodious van from scraggy parlour to swerve of scrotumtightening seabeach by the Missis Sip Livia. Not my cup of tea. Yapyapyap. Can't walk to the pier to peer. Ha. Venal vanilla of Valhalla. Can I speak plainer? Turned on her heels. Icedscream. Whole affair a terrible mistake. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Raymond Chandler: The dame at the candy counter asked me if I knew what I wanted yet. I told her that I'd known what I wanted since I was 12 years old, but today I'd just take the SweeTARTS. And put them on The Post's tab, I added. She was impressed. She batted her baby blues. "The New York Post?" She was stupid, too. I liked that. I popped one of the candies into my mouth. "What do you think?" she asked. "It reminds me of you," I said. She giggled like a schoolgirl. "You mean sweet?" I said. "No, a tart." I was right. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Ogden Nash: A foul thing is smorked beef rectum Pity those who must inspect 'em. (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.) * The Uncle's Pick: The Uncle of the Style Invitational: I knew the moment I saw it that "smorked" was the winning word to describe this delicious product. It combines "smoked," which signifies that this is cured beef, and "dork," which describes how I feel every time someone sees me struggling to open the vacuum packaging with my teeth. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Uncle Explains: I knew the moment I saw it that "smorked" was the winning word to describe this delicious product. It combines "smoked," which signifies that this is cured beef, and "dork," which describes how I feel every time someone sees me struggling to open the vacuum packaging with my teeth. Next Week: Everyone's a Critic ====================================================================== WEEK 359, published July 23, 2000 Week XXVI (359): It's No Party The Hunter-Greens: The party of tree-hugging gun nuts. A small but intense constituency. Marthacrats: Under our administration, school lunch programs will provide doilies. As will the Air Force. Repubicans: The free-sex party. The E.colilogical Party: Super animal activists, protecting the rights of even the lowliest among us. This Week's Contest was proposed by J.J. Gertler of Arlington, who wants you to come up with a new political party and its main political tenet. First-prize winner gets a vintage 1990 wine bottle filled with popcorn, relic of the mayoral campaign of Charlene Drew Jarvis--a name, the label proclaims, that "is popping up all over." It's worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXVI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, July 31. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Report FROM WEEK XXII (355), in which we asked you for ways to encourage celebrities to enter The Style Invitational. * Second Runner-Up: Make the Style Invitational a contest in which an upstanding, moral, God-fearing Christian celebrity woman like Darva Conger would be proud to participate. Example: Jell-O wrestling. (Since Jell-O is such a respected, wholesome product.) (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) * First Runner-Up: You might get Dan Quayle to enter the contest if you would just stop poking fun at him and making it seem like he is an idiot all the time. (Anonymouse, Indianapolis; Russell Beland, Annandale) * And the winner of the poo-shaped pen: Have a contest for the best essay on "Why I Wish the Press Would Leave Me Alone and Respect My Privacy." First prize would be a huge photograph of the winner on Page 1 of The Washington Post. (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles) * Honorable Mentions: Encourage the participation of professional golfers by announcing that everyone on Earth is eligible to win except Washington Post employees and Tiger Woods.(Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Hire some prissy guy named Anton to go around to celebrities in Hollywood and tell them that the contest cannot possibly fit them in for weeks and weeks. (Russ Beland, Annandale) Offer a date with Darva. Then her ex-husband, Rick Whatsizname, will try to, um, enter. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) Have a contest called "Why My Election Opponent Is Unqualified." (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Stop giving out lame, crappy prizes. Start giving out lame, crappy "awards." Present them in star-studded TV ceremonies. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Allow entries to be sent in via Ouija board. (Benjamin Disraeli, London, as told to Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Replace The Uncle with The Bitter Fan Turned Stalker, to give the contest a more familiar feel for celebrity types. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) Rename the contest "The Big-Budget Style Invitational Production." (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Change the rules of the contest so that Bill Gates judges the winners. Bill Gates will enter. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Guarantee that all entries will be personally opened by the Czar. That ought to attract Ted Kaczynski. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon; David Genser, Arlington) Leave the contest as is. Just drop the clause about judging on the basis of humor and originality. You ought to get entries from some big-time TV sitcom writers. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) There is a limited supply of humor in the world. You waste this precious resource by asking for original jokes that will be laughed at once and then forgotten. Perfectly serviceable humor can be easily recycled from old knee-slappers, and you can mix and match. If you agree to this, I and other concerned celebrities will enter all the time. Why is the chicken buried in Grant's Tomb? To keep his pants up! (Ralph Nader, Washington; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) You could get the "Survivor" contestants to enter if you offered as first prize a jar of big, fat, delicious bugs. (David Genser, Arlington) Rename the contest the "Regis Philbin Is a Blithering Idiot Invitational." Alex Trebek will enter. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Let some French jerk judge the contest. Jerry Lewis will enter. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Announce that the first prize is a bloody knife we found a few years ago in Brentwood. O.J. Simpson will enter 4,000 times. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Okay, stop your vague hints, your subtle pleas. I will enter your little contest. (Susan Anton, Obscurity, Calif.; Russell Beland, Annandale) You could have a contest that raises money for the celebrities who enter, only don't tell the celebrity you are doing this. Or tell him but don't do it in such a way that he would know if asked later. The original memos for the contest would need to be lost and any e-mails sent in for the contest would not actually exist. People could even phone in their submissions, just not from their place of business, or I guess they could since they wouldn't know cash money would be the prize. (Al Gore, Washington; Tom Lundregan, Springfield) * The Uncle's Pick: I would advise continuing to run the contest exactly as you run it. It won't be long before Satan enters. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The Uncle Explains: This is funny because it is an exaggeration of an unfair, though surprisingly widely held, perception that this contest is in the thrall of Evil. Next Week: Med Icks ====================================================================== WEEK 360, published July 30, 2000 Week XXVII (360): No Competition Mary Ann Madden / MAD Magazine / Alfred E. Neuman / Alfred E. Smith / Smith & Wesson / Olive Oyl / Bluto / Pluto / Uranus / Earl Butts / Joey Buttafuoco / Joey Heatherton / Heather Locklear / Norman Lear / Shakespeare / Avon / Maybelline / Chuck Berry / Halle Berry / Halley's comet / Blitzen / St. Nicholas / Czar Nicholas II / The Czar of The Style Invitational / Mary Ann Madden This Week's Contest was occasioned by the sad news from New York that Mary Ann Madden has retired. You may not know the name, but you know her work. Thirty-one years ago, Mary Ann created the New York Magazine Competition, the innovative and eccentric weekly contest that the Style Invitational would shamelessly pirate a quarter century later. The NYMC dies this month, with Mary Ann's retirement. As a youth, the Czar assiduously read the New York Magazine Competition, and even entered once. It was a contest, often repeated, in which the reader was to create a list of 25 names, each linked in some way to the name before, ending with the first name on the list. The young Czar's entry included the link "U.S. Grant/Ford Foundation," which he considered very clever and which in fact appeared in print, but attributed to someone else. On that day, at the age of 19, choking on bile, the Czar vowed that someday he would seize control of the feature pages of a major American newspaper and start a contest of his own in which he was free to misattribute entries, too. In the seven years that The Style Invitational has been alive, we've never run this particular contest, because it was so indelibly associated with the New York Magazine Competition. This week, we do. Twenty-five names, each associated with the name before it. A name can be a person, a place or an organization--but it must be a name. And you must begin and end with Mary Ann Madden. First-prize winner gets a CD featuring the music of Jack Kevorkian (on flute and organ) and his band, the Morpheus Quintet. We kid you not. Part of a limited edition of 5,000, it is worth $50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXVII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 7. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Report FROM WEEK XXIII (356), in which we asked you to come up with a new medication and its use. * Third Runner-Up: Exceedrin--A cure for hangovers. (James Pierce, Charlottesville) * Second Runner-Up: Barium Enigma--An unpleasant procedure that usually provides an ambiguous, but curiously interesting, diagnosis. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) * First Runner-Up: Forgivemycin--A morning-after contraceptive. (Mike Serlin, Alexandria) * And the winner of the gigantic bra and panties: Herbal Hoover--A tranquilizer that's been taken off the market because it was found to cause depression. (Chester Myslicki, McLean) * Honorable Mentions: Noraephron--A sleep inducer. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Nadvil--Relieves post-vasectomy pain. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Prozaic--A cure for the dullness of everyday life. (Richard B. Pearlstein, Falls Church; Twyla Vernon, Washington) K.O. Pectate--A cure for diarrhea that plugs you good. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Testosteroni--A hormonal supplement eaten as pasta.(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Milk of Amnesia--An infant formula to help forget birth trauma. (Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Gingko Balboa--A seasickness cure, particularly effective for long ocean voyages. (Roz Jonas, Bethesda) Kinko Biloba--Cures fetishism. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Sexcedrin--What to give someone who says "not tonight, dear, I have a headache." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Oinkment--A topically applied weight-reduction cream. (Dean Crews, Chevy Chase) Darva-on--Induces vomiting. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Pep El Cid--For use by morticians; restores realistic look to corpses. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Aesthetominophen--You don't feel any better, but you look fabulous. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Non-interferon--A black-market drug often slipped to unsuspecting in-laws. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Conan the Barbiturate--A combination sleep aid/steroid. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Oil of Oy Vey--It couldn't hurt. (Stu Solomon, Springfield) Ibuprofane--Relieves symptoms of Tourette's syndrome. (Art Simpsen, Alexandria) Preparation X--A treatment for anxiety caused by those irritatingly successful 18- to 35-year-olds. (Janet Arrowsmith-Lowe, Ruidoso, N.M.) Katopectate--A treatment for lethargy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Tussaud--Combats ear wax. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Ropadopamine--Retards brain damage from blows to the head. (Steven Feder, Arlington; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Preparation Ouch--Dry ice suppositories for hemorrhoids. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Sigfreudoscope--A device for detecting repressed fantasies. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) No D'ohs--Memory enhancer. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Mentalmucil--Relieves writer's block. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Prestidigitalis--A cure-all. Works like magic! (Sandra Segal, Rockville) Pepsid--A cure for addiction to Coke. (Rick Howard, Germantown) Histalavista--Say bye-bye to those allergies. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * The Uncle's Pick: The Uncle makes no pick today. The Uncle Explains: There is nothing funny about disease. Next Week: Coming to a Bad End ====================================================================== WEEK 361, published August 6, 2000 Week XXVIII (361): Bad Libs How many (SUBJECTS) does it take to (VERB) an (OBJECT)? Subjects: dogs, Reform Party presidential contenders, philosophers, liberals, conservatives, cats, computer nerds, NASA rocket scientists, "Survivor" contestants, teenagers, Internet billionaires, artists, politicians, lawyers, models-turned-actresses, clergymen, sissies, French people, English people, International Olympic Committee members Verbs: lift, deplore, destroy, defenestrate, produce, eat, find, fix, punt, move, appreciate, ruin, love, jump over, embrace Objects: house, car, baby, dog, rat, dictionary, bad smell, poem, flower, sandwich, consensus, peace treaty, sports event, grammatical error, nuclear power plant, Mars mission, woman, man This Week's Contest was suggested by J.J. Gertler of Arlington. Select one subject, one verb and one object from the lists above, and then answer the riddle you create. (Example: How many International Olympic Committee members does it take to fix a car? Only one, but he'll need a lot of grease.) First-prize winner gets a Flintstones "Viva Rock Vegas" promotional alarm clock, a value of $30. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XVIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 14. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Report FROM WEEK XXIV (357), in which you were asked to ruin some great line of film or literature, by adding to it. But first: Got a question for the Czar? About the Invitational? About life? He's going to answer the best questions in a column someday soon. Send them to "Queries for the Czar," at the usual Invitational addresses. * Second Runner-Up: The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Of course, mouse plans aren't that big a deal anyway. (Mike Genz, La Plata) * First Runner-Up: Jesus wept buckets. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) * And the winner of the foot-tall "fully poseable" Herbert Hoover doll: "Rosebud. It was my childhood sled, which represents the only time in my life I was truly happy and, in a larger sense, symbolizes the loss of innocence that almost inevitably accompanies the acquisition of power."(Joseph Romm, Washington) * Honorable Mentions: "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine. Small world, eh?" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "The horror, the horror. It really gets to me, sometimes." (Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac) "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow. But if you want to play 'Yummy Yummy Yummy' on your armpit, you do this--" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "You must ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? That is to say, do I, the punk, feel lucky? It's irrelevant whether I, Dirty Harry, feel lucky." (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Good night, sweet prince. Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite." (Chris Doyle, Burke) "We'll always have Paris. Except when the Germans are using it." (Storm Marvel, Columbia) "What we've got here is a failure to communicate. I mean, helloo-oooo." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Bond. James Bond. But please call me Jimbo." (Storm Marvel, Columbia; Joe Anderson, Alexandria) "Stella! Stella! Bo Bella Bo Nanna Fanna Fo Fella Fee Fi Mo Mella, Stella!" (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Fourscore and seven years ago, which comes to, what, 87 years or so?" (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) "Friends, Romans, countrymen, ladies and germs . . . " (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Yes I said yes I will yes. Yes, already. How many times do I have to say it?" (Michelle Gluck and Walter Smith, Bethesda) "Use the Force, Luke, but only in moderation." (Ben Aronin, White Plains) "We don't need no steenking badges like we're some sort of GS-12s." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "One if by land, two if by sea, three to get ready . . . " (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, which must be followed by approximately 577,230 more steps." (Chris Doyle, Burke) "Brevity is the soul of wit. In other words, effective writing should aim at using as few words as possible. The longer and more drawn out an explanation is, the less powerful and persuasive it is." (Mike Genz, La Plata) "Shaken, not stirred. And with one of those little umbrellas." (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) "We hold these truths to be self-evident, and by 'self-evident' we mean . . . " (Joe Anderson, Alexandria) "How the mighty have fallen, and they can't get up." (Joe Neff, Oreland, Pa.) "There's no place like home, there's no place like home. Although, actually, Nebraska is exactly like Kansas, except it has a unicameral legislature." (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) "If you need me, just whistle. Or yodel. Or make that 'Ook-ook-ook-ook ah-ah-ah-ah' ape sound from any of those Tarzan films." (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Truth is beauty; beauty truth. That's all ye know and all ye need to know, ya know? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) * The Uncle's Pick: "Rosebud. It was my childhood sled, which represents the only time in my life I was truly happy and, in a larger sense, symbolizes the loss of innocence that inevitably accompanies the acquisition of power." (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Uncle Explains: Kudos to Joseph Romm for finally explaining a very puzzling movie, indeed. Next Week: Finish the Fire ====================================================================== WEEK 362, published August 13, 2000 Week XXIX (362): Something Missing This Week's Contest: In each of these cartoons, something is missing. Tell us what it is, and explain when necessary. Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a pair of grade-schooler-size boxer shorts featuring the logo of the National Rifle Association. This is worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXIX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 21. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXV (358). Noting that Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" ended with the year 1989, we invited you to bring the song up to date. One of our favorite entries, which broke the rules but was superior nonetheless, came from Jennifer Hart of Arlington. Her lyrics, she said, apply only to Arkansas: Indoor privies in our homes / Talking pitchers, "telly phones." / Some roads covered in cee-ment / Ringworm down by 10 percent! We decided to cut and paste the winning entries into an entire song. Winner of the Elvis stamp watch is Chris Doyle of Burke. First Runner-Up is Ellen Ryan of Rockville. Second Runner-Up is David Genser of Arlington. All lines are attributed below. 1 Ms. Lewinsky, Dan Quayle / Ted Kaczynski, "You've got mail." (Chris Doyle) 2 Don't ask. Don't tell / Pol Pot goes to Hell. (Russell Beland) 3 Stormin' Norman, Global warmin' / George and George and George Foreman. (Bill Forehand) 4 Bill Bennett! Dr. Laura! U.S. slouching toward Gomorrah! (Chris Doyle) We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning. We didn't start the fire, no, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it. 5 HMO, S&P / IPO, DVD. (David Genser) 6 CEO, T&A / 401(k), DNA. (David Genser) 7 Cyber-this, cyber-that / Baby boomers getting fat. (David Genser) 8 Greenspanned! Renoed! / Double mocha frappucinoed! (Phil Frankenfeld) 9 D of C, what a mess / Peoples Drug now CVS. (Ellen Ryan) 10 Hechinger, Lion d'Or / Woodies, Hot Shoppes--all no more. (Ellen Ryan) 11 "Millie's Book" penned by a pup / Bitch set Mayor Barry up. (Sandra Hull) 12 Ruthann Aron, Sharon Pratt / Barry back in office (drat!). (Ellen Ryan) We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning. We didn't start the fire, no, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it. 13 Windsor high jinks not so regal / Fin-de-siecle sequel treacle, (Phil Frankenfeld) 14 Little Vader, Jar Jar Binks / "Star Wars" movie really stinks! (Ellen Ryan) 15 Dumb veep, Olestra seep / Millions spent to make a sheep. (Jonathan Paul) 16 Lady Di! John-John! / Jackie O! Gone-gone! (Katherine M. Butterfield) 17 M. Vanilli, Bush's quips / We all learned to read their lips. (Jerry Pannullo) 18 Elian, SUVs / Rich guys skiing into trees. (Jonathan Paul) 19 Fear the threat of Y2K / Fear that Tinky-Winky's gay. (Elizabeth and Evan FitzGerald) 20 AIDS plague. I don't care / I Want to Be a Millionaire! We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning. We didn't start the fire, no, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it. (Ton Lorenzen and Bob Ritter) 21 O.J. Simpson's murder case / Brentwood bodies, Bronco chase. (Chris Doyle) 22 Johnnie Cochran, Marcia Clark / Chipping golf balls in the dark. (Chris Doyle) 23 Kato Kaelin, F. Lee Bailey / Bloody glove and updates daily. (Chris Doyle) 24 Pix of Bruno Magli shoes / WHAT ELSE HAPPENED IN THE NEWS? (Chris Doyle) We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning. We didn't start the fire, no, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it. 25 Pubic hair upon her Coke / Can't Anita take a joke? (Kevin Cuddihy) 26 Democrats are on her side / But Paula Jones? She must have lied. (Kevin Cuddihy) 27 Man from Hope! What a dope! / Congress runs to find a rope! (Jennifer Hart) 28 Introducing Kenneth Starr / Ken gets close but no cigar. (Ellen Ryan) 29 Waco burns, Tim McVeigh / Murrah building blown away. (Chris Doyle) 30 Columbine, Lockerbie / Hutu-Tutsi killing spree. (Chris Doyle) 31 Dahmer preyed on neighbor boys / No one seemed to mind the noise. (Thom Lieb) 32 Rodney King, Falun Gong / WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET ALONG? (Chris Doyle) Chris Doyle, Burke: Lines 1, 4, 21, 22, 23, 24, 29, 30, 32; Ellen Ryan, Rockville: Lines 9, 10, 12, 14, 28; David Genser, Arlington: Lines 5, 6, 7; Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac: Line 16; Elizabeth and Evan FitzGerald, Alexandria: Line 19; Phil Frankenfeld, Washington: Lines 8 and 13; Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax: Lines 25 and 26; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park: Lines 15 and 18; Russell Beland, Annandale: Line 2; Thom Lieb, Severna Park: Line 31; Jennifer Hart, Arlington: Line 27; Tom Lorenzen, Glen Echo and Bob Ritter, Leesburg: Line 20.; Sandra Hull, Arlington: Line 11; Jerry Pannullo, Kensington: Line 17; Bill Forehand, Rockville: Line 3. * The Uncle's Pick: Be-bop sounds, chastity / Personal responsibility. Push-up bras, wars we win / It's the 1940s again!(David Genser, Arlington) The Uncle Explains: A nice reminder that there was a time before songwriters went out of their way to be faultfinding and depressing or gloried in carnality. Next Week: It's No Party ====================================================================== WEEK 363, published August 20, 2000 Week XXX (363): It's Your Movie Answer: Dumbo Question: What Cajun delicacy is made with okra and elephant meat? Answer: The Big Chill Question: In a typical marriage, what follows The Big Bra Discovered in the Glove Compartment? Answer: Tora! Tora! Tora! Question: How do football fans cheer for the Fighting Yarmulkes of the Talmudic University of Tokyo? This Week's Contest was proposed by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Stephen suggests that you take the title of any movie and make it the answer to a riddle. First-prize winner receives an official promotional package from the new movie "Cecil B. Demented," a grab bag of goodies sent to newspapers nationwide in the hopes of garnering good publicity. The goodies include ear plugs, analgesics, a megaphone, a water pistol, a bandanna and the single item that best summarizes this movie: a stink bomb. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 28. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXVI (359), in which you were asked to come up with a new political party, and its main tenet. As always with political topics, there was a great deal of unfunny tooth-gnashing and ax-grinding. (e.g., Repugnicans: Same party, just more honest about what they're up to. Gliberals: Just like the liberals, but at least they seem to be making sense.) * Fourth Runner-Up: The Popeilist Party. Motto: A fish in every pocket. But wait. There's more . . . (Thomas L. Schwarz, Burke; Chris Doyle, Rockville) * Third Runner-Up: The Dotcommunists. Advocate universal access to the Internet through total government control. (Richard Howard, Germantown; Joseph Romm, Washington) * Second Runner-Up: The Social List Party. A party for only the best sort of people. Voting by invitation only. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.; Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) * First Runner-Up: The Manute Bolsheviks. Urge an end to height discrimination. (Van Scott, Pollok, Tex.) * And the winner of the bottle of popcorn: The Shining Pate. A party of the lunatic fringe, advocating whatever means necessary, including violence, to restore dignity to bald men. Avowed enemies of the Wig party. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * Honorable Mentions: The Carpe Per Diem Party: Advocates tax breaks for businessmen. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Garth-Wayne Party: Seeks schwing voters. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) The Ipse Dixiecrats: If we ain't fer it, it mus' be un-American. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) The Pool Party: Mostly, members just bet on who is going to win. (Russell Beland, Annandale) The Demi-crats: Everything in moderation. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) The Tea Party: Political arm of NORML. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The Know Nothing Party: A Quayle-Stockdale ticket. (Russell Beland, Annandale) Gumbycrats: A Green party, but one that is flexible. (Russell Hess, Washington) The Seinfeld Party: It has no platform. (James Pierce, Charlottesville) The Anti-Socialist Party: Workers of the world, unite. Just not real close to me. All party events, including conventions, are held by mail. (Perry D. Alter, Fairfax Station; Cecilia Le, Vienna) The Libertine Party: Wants Clinton to run for a third term. (Russell Beland, Annandale) The Tupperware Party: This secret society keeps a tight lid on its fundraising. (Russell Beland, Annandale) The Donner Party: At least their fundraising events don't involve rubber chicken. (Russell and Maureen Beland, Annandale; Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) The Bullsheviks: Promise the oppressed masses anything. (David Genser, Arlington) The United Coalition of Anarchists: Features a highly conflicted membership. (Russell Beland, Annandale) Fashists: Rule by runway models. Advocates many national days of fasting. (David Genser, Arlington) The Talibland: Wishy-washy religious fundamentalists. (David Genser, Arlington) Stallinists: Advocate more accommodations for ladies in public facilities. (David Genser, Arlington) Quaylites: Give Connecticut back to Mexico. (David Genser, Arlington) Symbionese Liberation Amway: Kidnap wealthy people's children and force them into a cruel life of home marketing. (David Genser, Arlington) The Bachelor Party: Advocates increasing the marriage penalty tax. (Ray Rtajczak, Arbutus, Md.) The Humanitaryans: Promotes the welfare of only the genetically superior elements of society. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The Belabor Party: It holds daily press conferences. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Pajama Party: Aims to raise "casual Fridays" to the next level. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) The Dermocrats: The party for candidates with completely unblemished records. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Amerigo Firsters: We will abolish Columbus Day. (Chris Doyle, Rockville) The Estates' Rights Party: Death to the death tax. (Chris Doyle, Rockville) The Baldfaced Liars Party: Official motto: We are not baldfaced liars. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The Fed-up-eralists: They're mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The Apocalyptic Vengeance Party of Cruel Death Raining Down Upon the World With Unimaginable Terror: Not really a political party, just a weenie guy named Brad and a few of his loser friends. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The Memocratic Party: Copies of all legislation will be forwarded to all citizens, who must initial them and send them back. (Mike Elliot, Oberlin, Ohio) The America Furst Party: Dedicated to home schooling. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * The Uncle's Pick: The Green Giant Party: Its motto is Peas on Earth, Good Will to Men.(Joseph Romm, Washington) The Uncle Explains: An original pun, and an excellent sentiment. Next Week: No Competition ====================================================================== WEEK 364, published August 27, 2000 Week XXXI (364): Low Marks The Grain of Salt (.) Used to indicate how the sentence that follows it is to be taken. Ex: "(.)Ours is the true party of diversity," said George W. Bush. The Missed Period Denotes a pregnant pause. Example: "Of course the president and I will be living in the same home after the election," Hillary Clinton said firmly. "The basement is quite large." The semicologne [check] Used before and after a phrase to warn that it is a euphemism employed to perfume an unpleasant word or concept. SWF professional mid-30s [check] full-figured[check] ISO SWM . . . This Week's Contest was suggested by James Pierce of Charlottesville, a high school English teacher who wants you to come up with a new punctuation mark. Tell us what it looks like (you can just describe it if it's not on a keyboard), and what it is used for, and use it in a sentence. First-prize winner gets a 45 rpm recording of Tammy Faye Bakker (pre-scandal, 1980) singing "If It Had Not Been." In her photo on the dust jacket, Tammy Faye's makeup--and we mean no disrespect here--seems to have been applied by a blind mortician. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXXI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 4. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Entries will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXVII (360), the tribute to Mary Ann Madden, creator of the now-defunct New York Magazine Competition. You had to create a chain of 25 names, beginning and ending with Mary Ann Madden, with each name linked in some fashion to the name before it. The Academy confers upon Ken Kaufman of Derwood the coveted Dweebie, not only for making a series of links based on his knowledge of the last names of the Professor (Hinkley), Mary Ann (Summers) and Ginger (Grant), but also for linking Vince Lombardi with Molly Pitcher by the obvious fact that there's a restroom named after each on the New Jersey Turnpike. (Ken somehow neglected to mention the full name of the Skipper: Jonas Grumby.) * Second Runner-Up: Mary Ann Madden, Ginger Grant, Make a Wish Foundation, Jiminy Cricket, Buddy Holly, The Beatles, Liverpool, Mickey Mantle, Joe DiMaggio, Mr. Coffee, Starbucks, The Gap, David Letterman . . . (Sandra Hull, Arlington) * First Runner-Up: . . . The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, , Horse With No Name, John Steed, Mrs. Peel, Gypsy Rose Lee . . .( Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * And the Winner of the Kevorkian CD: Mary Ann Madden, Mary Tyler Moore, Grant Tinker, Tinky Winky, Jerry Falwell, Oral Roberts, Monica Lewinsky, Bill Clinton, Isis, King Tut, Steve Martin, Mary Martin, J.R. Ewing, Stella Dallas, Stanley Kowalski, Dr. Livingstone, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Richard Bach, W.A. Mozart, Figaro, Red Barber, Mel Allen, Gracie Mansion, New York, Mary Ann Madden. (Chris Doyle, Burke) * Honorable Mentions: Mary Ann Madden, Mary Landrieu, Mack Sennett, Keystone Kops, Police, Sting, Aunt Bee, Barney Fife, Barney Frank, Marvin Gaye, Lee Marvin, Cat Ballou, Tiger Woods, Rose Mary Woods, Eraserhead . . . (Chris Doyle, Burke) Mary Ann Madden, Marion Barry, Krakatoa, Mount St. Helens, Saint Helena, Napoleon Bonaparte, John Wayne Bobbitt . . . (Chris Doyle, Burke) Mary Ann Madden, Mary Bono, Sonny, Tree Rollins, Forrest Gump, Gumby, Eddie Murphy, Velvet Jones, Ho Chi Minh . . . (Chris Doyle, Burke) Mary Ann Madden, Marianne Faithfull, Frank Kathie Lee Gifford . . . (Steve Fahey, Kensington) . . . Richard Nixon, Mary Pickford . . . (Bruce M. Evans, Washington) . . . Homer Simpson, Odysseus, Dr. Seuss, Horton, Michael Dukakis . . . (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) . . . Popeye, Sinbad, Bill Clinton . . . (Kevin and Joan Maloy, McLean) . . . Jesus Christ, Karen Carpenter, Calista Flockhart . . . (Russ Beland, Springfield) . . . The Wizard of Oz, The Wizard of Id, Sigmund Freud . . . (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) . . . Jerry Mathers, Sharon Stone . . . (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) . . . Hillary Clinton, Mount Everest, Mount Rushmore, Dakota, Rosemary's Baby . . . (John O'Byrne, Dublin) . . . Tarzan, Cheetah, Rosie Ruiz . . . (Chris Doyle, Burke) . . . Batman, Batwoman, Tonya Harding, Tai Babilonia, Hammurabi, M.C. Hammer, Tom DeLay, Stonewall Jackson . . . (Chris Doyle, Burke) . . . Heckle and Jeckle, Russell Crowe, Fort Bragg . . . (Sandra Hull, Arlington) . . . Fala, Toto, Kansas, Styx, the Stones . . . (Michael J. Hammer, Arlington) . . . Pee-wee Herman, Jacques Offenbach . . . (Chris Doyle, Burke) . . . Mr. Potato Head, Dan Quayle, Aaron Spelling . . . (Chris Doyle, Burke) . . . Hillary Clinton, Capitol Hill, Faith Hill, Mount Sinai . . . (Morgan Hall, Harrisonburg) . . . Orson Welles, Harry Lime, Jack Lemmon, Edsel Ford . . . (Kevin and Joan Maloy, McLean) . . . Louis Armstrong, Al Hirt, the Big Hurt, the Big Easy, Monica Lewinsky . . . . (William C. Kennard, Arlington) . . . Renee Descartes, Mr. Ed . . . (Chris Doyle, Burke) . . . Tony Kornheiser, Werner Heisenberg, Doubting Thomas, John the Baptist, Ethelred the Unready, George W. Bush . . . (Gary Oxford, Scottsville) * The Uncle's Pick: . . . Peter O'Toole, Mr. Goodwrench . . . (Chris Doyle, Burke) The Uncle Explains: This isn't all that funny, but it was the only linkage involving Peter O'Toole that did not go for a cheap, smutty laugh. I commend good taste. Next Week: Bad Libs ====================================================================== WEEK 365, published September 3, 2000 Week XXXII (365): Terse Verse What would you call the losing party in a successful paternity suit? Unhappy pappy. What is another name for a professional copy editor? Word nerd. What would be a fun science project if your tools were Pat Buchanan and a thermonuclear device? Politician fission. What happened when Darryl Strawberry spied that hooker in the street? Lanky Yankee hanky-panky. This Week's Contest: Ask a question and then answer it with a rhyme, as in the examples above. Your answer can be as many words as you wish, but all must have the same rhyme. First-prize winner gets a life-size stand-up cardboard cutout of Bill Clinton, suitable for snapshot-taking. This is worth $35. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXXII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Sept 11. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXVIII (361), in which you were asked to provide a punchline to a joke using a menu of words to complete the sentence "How many (SUBJECTS) does it take to (VERB) an (OBJECT)?" Many people attempted to deviate from these rules and were punished by having their entries summarily defenestrated. The best of these, which still gets no prize, was by David Genser of Arlington: "Why did the International Olympic Committee member fix his dog? Force of habit." * Third Runner-Up: How many conservatives does it take to lift a baby? None--a baby ought to pull itself up by its bootstraps. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) * Second Runner-Up: How many politicians does it take to defenestrate a baby? One, while attempting to defenestrate the bathwater. (Carol June Hooker, Landover Hills) * First Runner-Up: How many British people does it take to embrace a dog? The British will never accept Camilla. (Russ Beland, Annandale) * And the winner of the "Flintstones" alarm clock: How many French people does it take to produce a bad smell? Depends on how bad a smell you want. (Edward Asher, Mount Airy) * Honorable Mentions: How many teenagers does it take to destroy a man? One--Anna Kournikova--but it would be worth it. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) How many French people does it take to fix a bad smell? One. He is called the saucier. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) How many dogs does it take to appreciate a Mars mission? Only one if it is a Mars Rover. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) How many politicians does it take to ruin a car? Give me a break, will you? (Edward M. Kennedy, Boston; Russell Beland, Annandale) How many lawyers does it take to ruin a sporting event? One--Peter Angelos. (Adam Terio, Great Mills) How many dogs does it take to destroy a house? Two, apparently. If you'd like to adopt two dogs, or buy a house, please call. (Mary Lou French, Lorton) How many lawyers does it take to produce a bad smell? One, if you don't bury him deep enough in your cellar. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) How many conservatives does it take to destroy a House? Two hundred eighteen, a simple majority.(Christopher Keene, Arlington; David Genser, Arlington) How many models-turned-actresses does it take to eat a sandwich? Three: One to eat it. A second to put a feather down her throat. And a third to hold her hair. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) How many computer nerds does it take to defenestrate a man? None, because true computer nerds never use Windows. (Ed Wilson, Arlington) How many models-turned-actresses does it take to jump over a man? You mean all the way over? (Edward Asher, Mount Airy) How many computer nerds does it take to produce a baby? Only two, unless some are Unix. (James J. Winebrake, Harrisonburg, Va.) How many conservatives does it take to appreciate a baby? Any number, just so long as the baby isn't born yet. (Russell Beland, Annandale) How many clergymen does it take to produce a Mars mission? Only one, if he is good at conversions. (James Winebrake, Harrisonburg, Va.) How many Reform Party presidential candidates does it take to punt a dog? I don't care so long as they try it on a pit bull. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) How many philosophers does it take to fix a sandwich? One, but don't expect a smile or correct change with your Whopper. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) How many French people does it take to ruin a car? However many are employed at Renault. (Scott Dillon, Winchester, Va.) How many philosophers does it take to produce a consensus? One fewer than the number preventing consensus from being reached. (Robin Grove, Silver Spring) How many models-turned-actresses does it take to fix a car? Three, one to stand by the road and signal for help, and . . . never mind, one is plenty. (Mike Genz, La Plata) How many politicians does it take to appreciate a poem? One, and his pollster. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) How many liberals does it take to destroy a flower? One, when he confiscates its pistils. (Mike Genz, La Plata) How many liberals does it take to produce a baby? 2.000000001 persons: The mother, her girlfriend and a spermatozoan. (Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse) How many teenagers does it take to appreciate a dictionary? Too. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) How many "Survivor" contestants does it take to destroy a man? Look, the ratings may be down a little, but I'm not destroyed. Sheesh. (Regis Philbin, New York; Meg Sullivan, Potomac) How many French people does it take to produce a peace treaty? One, the first to see a German soldier. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * The Uncle's Pick:How many computer nerds does it take to love a woman? One. But it must be done with a very special "one" and a lot of "oohhhhhs!" (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) The Uncle Explains: This is a reference to the binary language of computers, adroitly combined with the binary language of true love between monogamous, married adults of opposite sexes. Next Week: What's Missing? ====================================================================== WEEK 366, published September 10, 2000 Week XXXIII (366): Just Fulghum All I Really Need to Know I Learned: At the Dentist: With the proper chemicals, one can find beauty in anything, even Mantovani . . . At the Dentist On the Metro From "Survivor" On the Beltway In The Style Invitational From the World Wrestling Federation At the Wal-Mart in Germantown From United Airlines Lying in the Gutter With a Bottle of Ripple Online This Week's Contest was suggested by Candace J. Trenum of Washington, who suggests that you emulate Robert Fulghum, the cheese-ball philosopher who struck it rich with "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten," a set of primitive rules for the conduct of life. (1. "Clean up your own mess. 2. Play fair. 3. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody . . .") Your job: Come up with a list of at least three Major Life Lessons one can learn from any of the venues listed at left. First-prize winner gets a copy of Rush Limbaugh's "The Way Things Ought to Be" in Polish, autographed by the author and donated to The Style Invitational by Dave Zarrow of Herndon ("America's Funniest Office Products Dealer"). Dave bought it in Poland. He tells us that the title, "Wlasciwy Porzadek Rzeczy," translates to "The Proper Sequence of Stuff." It is priceless. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXXIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 18. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXVIII (362), in which we asked you to tell us what was missing from any of six cartoons we supplied. Before we get to the winners, a serious note: People who write for a living--even those, like the Czar, who are at the pinnacle of illustrious careers and bask in public adulation--sometimes have moments of self-doubt. In the dank recesses of the soul, we wonder: Are we Making a Difference? When we are gone, will we have left a mark, dried a tear, coaxed a laugh, changed a mind? Will we leave a legacy? Well, your Czar got some solace in the mail the other day in the form of an entry from 6-year-old Sam Rosenberg of Oakton. Little Sam looks at The Style Invitational on Sundays. He doesn't understand all of it, of course, but he sounds out the words he can, and his favorite contests are the ones with cartoons. Darned if the little dickens didn't decide to enter Week XXIX all by himself! He wrote his entry in big blocky capital letters on that fuzzy-soft kindergarten paper with blue lines an inch apart. Missing from Cartoon E, Sam wrote, is "MOMMYS BIG FAT BUTT." And missing from Cartoon F, he wrote, is "ME!" For his enterprise alone, young Sam wins a special prize: a remote-controlled fart machine. Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) What's missing is PETA's new celebrity spokesman Bart Simpson, saying, "Don't halve a cow, man." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Joseph Romm, Washington; Bret Harris, South Riding) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) What's missing is the Railroad Crossing sign. (Eric Shaffer, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) Dubya's no fool. He not only had everything handed him on a silver platter, he took the platter, too. (Jessica Lynn Mathews, Arlington) And the Winner of the kid-size NRA underpants:(Cartoon E) MOMMYS BIG FAT BUTT (Sam Rosenberg, Oakton) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A What's missing is the open manhole right under this bozo's foot. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What's missing is the appreciative crowd oohing and ahhing the latest creation of the Emperor's New Chef. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Cartoon B Nothing is missing. If you want the milk, why buy the whole cow? (Carol Levin, Chevy Chase; Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) What's missing are the Scottish scientists who refused to be photographed with the grisly results of their attempt to breed a cow that gives half-and-half. (Robin D. Grove, Laurel) What's missing is approximately 40 pounds of delicious milk chocolate. Fred had to sue eBay when the "life-size solid-milk-chocolate cow" he bought online turned out to be hollow. (Mike Genz, La Plata) What's missing is most of the challenge of cow-tipping. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Nothing is missing. This is a halfer. (John Held, Fairfax; Ned Bent, Herndon) Cartoon C What's missing is the little bastard with the Wite-Out. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What's missing is a wedding band. How could a woman like that still be single? (Joseph Romm, Washington; Bob Dalton, Arlington) Cartoon D This is the letter "I" so there is nothing missing from Henry Miller's typewriter. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Nothing is missing. This is the little-known "missing link" in the evolutionary chain from the telegraph key to the typewriter. (Jerry Amos, Stanley, Va.) Cartoon E What's missing is the husband who couldn't take any more complaining and ripped off the seat, saying, "Here, if it matters so much to you, keep it." (Joseph Romm, Washington; Ray Brungard, Mechanicsville) What's missing is F! If she doesn't jiggle the handle it will run forever. (J. W. Green, Carlisle, Pa.) The toilet seat with the Super Glue on it. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cartoon F The Invisible Man isn't missing, you just can't see him. What's missing is the doctor's rubber glove. (Paul Styrene, Olney; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) This is missing a husband pretending to look remorseful. (Russell Beland, Annanfield) Well, sure the picture would be better if she were naked, but that's not really something missing. (Russell Beland, Springdale) And the Uncle's Pick: (Cartoon F) I just don't get the "point" of this one. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The Uncle Explains: Methinks this entrant doth protest too much. Methinks she has actually made her "point" quite nimbly; namely, that the woman in the cartoon is "pointing." Next Week: It's Your Movie ====================================================================== WEEK 367, published September 17, 2000 Week XXXIV (367): Future Schlock A line we will not find in the next Harry Potter book: "Don't Bogart that joint, Hermione." A line that will not appear in Bill Clinton's memoirs: "It is ironic, really, that I got in so much trouble over Ms. Lewinsky but nary a word was heard about those twin sisters . . ." This Week's Contest: Come up with a line that surely will not appear in an upcoming work. First-prize winner gets a framed original oil portrait of John F. Kennedy donated to The Style Invitational by Scott Weinstein of Silver Spring. This is a truly fine portrait, in which the artist makes certain unusual anatomic interpretations. The martyred 35th president, for example, appears to have a goiter we do not recall. As always, we took this portrait to Paul Richard, the Washington Post art critic who contends that inasmuch as all art attempts to express genuine emotion, no work of art can be called "bad." Paul studied this portrait for some time and authorized the following review: "I will concede that the ear is problematic." First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXXIV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 25. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXX (363), in which we asked you to take the name of a movie and make it the answer to a riddle. Fourth Runner-Up: Answer: The Thirty-Nine Steps. Question: What would a recovery program look like if it were designed by Congress? (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Third Runner-Up: Answer: God Is My Co-Pilot. Question: What is the motto of EgyptAir? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: Answer: Nosferatu. Question: What was the sequel to "Nosfera"? (Chris Doyle, Burke) First Runner-Up: Answer: Airplane! Question: What is the last thing you want to hear when making love on what you thought was a deserted runway? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the winner of the "Cecil B. Demented" promo kit: Answer: Only You. Question: Is it only me, or is it high time for Pee-wee Herman to make a big comeback? (David Genser, Arlington) Honorable mentions: Answer: Sympathy for the Devil. Question: If Satan married Darva Conger, what would you feel?(Chris Doyle, Burke) Answer: Attica. Question: What is Martha Stewart's cutesy-poo name for the stuff she stores in the top floor of her home? (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Answer: Being John Malkovich. Question: What is better than being Izzy Malkovich? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Answer: The English Patient. Question: Which patient is least likely to complain about the lousy hospital food? (David Genser, Arlington) Answer: Brazil. Question: What is the capital of Argentina? (George W. Bush, Austin; Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Answer: Ordinary People. Question: What do you get when you put ordinary people on a remote island for 39 days? (Mike Genz, La Plata) Answer: Fanny by Gaslight. Question: What is the advertising slogan of Ye Olde Proctologist? (Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring) Answer: Ice Station Zebra. Question: What is the Secret Service code name for the White House master bedroom? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Answer: The Last of the Mohicans. Question: Who was Running Eunuch? (Chris Doyle, Burke) Answer: Malcolm X. Question: What was the sequel to "Malcolm IX"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Punchline. Question: What was best to avoid in Jonestown? (Chris Doyle, Burke) Answer: Total Recall. Question: What ever happened to that product, "Baby's First Bunsen Burner?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Answer: The Player. Question: Which is better, Michael Jordan the baseball player or Michael Jordan the basketball executive? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Answer: Apocalypse Now. Question: In order of desirability, rank a feminist organization and the end of the world by hellfire. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Answer: Eyes Wide Shut. Question: What is the best way to watch the movie "Eyes Wide Shut"? (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Potomac Falls) Answer: The Day the Earth Stood Still. Question: How do you describe really, really bad sex? (Greg Arnold, Herndon; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Answer: Hocus Pocus. Question: Name an ancient Roman magician. (Richard A. Licata, Wheaton) Answer: Virtuosity. Question: What does one lose the first time one has cybersex? (Stephanie Cangin, Roanoke) Answer: Beach Blanket Bingo. Question: What is easier than beach blanket chess? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Duck Soup. Question: What is good advice for a food fight? (David Genser, Arlington) The Uncle's Pick: Answer: The Sound of Music. Question: What do you hear when you fall in love? (Cheryl C. Kagan and David Spitzer, Rockville) The Uncle Explains: I am delighted to report that this entry was written on her honeymoon by Mrs. David Spitzer. Next Week: Low Marks ====================================================================== WEEK 368, published September 24, 2000 Week XXXV (368): Hyphen the Terrible Quiet-asm--n., sexual satisfaction achieved in a library during business hours. Worry-tarians--n., parishioners in a Unitarian church composed entirely of converted Jews. Enthusi-fied--adj., describes the short-lived but intense excitement of the audience immediately after hearing a motivational speaker like Zig Ziglar. This Week's Contest: Combine the first half of any hyphenated word in a story in today's paper with the second part of a different hyphenated word from the same story, and provide a new definition. The examples above are from today's Miss Manners column. (Make sure you tell us from which story your words were chosen.) First-prize winner gets a mint condition 1975 full-color campaign brochure extolling the many virtues, including unimpeachable ethics, of Maryland's then-Gov. Marvin Mandel. This is worth $50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXXV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 2. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXXI (364), in which you were asked to come up with a new punctuation mark. * Fourth Runner-Up. The Sarcasterisk: This is placed at the end of a statement to indicate a sarcastic tone. Ex: "Of course I'll pick up your dry cleaning, sir. It's not like I have any real work to do." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) * Third Runner-Up. The Spastic Colon: : This indicates an unspoken moment of visible discomfort on the part of the speaker. Ex: "I hereby, with great enthusiasm, : release my delegates to George W. Bush . . ." (Greg Pickens, Washington) * Second Runner-Up. The Raised Eyebrow: This alerts readers to something scandalously noteworthy that might otherwise be missed. Ex: "The congressman was not seriously hurt in the accident, but an unidentified woman in the car . . ."(Ben Aronin, White Plains, N.Y.; Sue Lin Chong, Washington) * First Runner-Up. The Semicorleone: This is used to indicate an implied threat in an otherwise nicely worded sentence. Ex: "Perhaps youse might be interested in accompanying us on a [ ] fish inspection of the East River." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * And the winner of the 45 rpm recording of Tammy Faye Bakker: Parent-theticals: Used before and after a clause, this denotes Mom or Dad's contribution to homework. Ex: "Slavery was very bad exemplified by President Lincoln's formulation of the Emancipation Proclamation in 1863. " (Bob Dalton, Arlington) * Honorable Mentions: The Misquotation Mark: This is placed before and after a statement that is just too good to be true. Ex: "We will locate the illegal shipment of toilet seats just as soon as we have something to go on." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) The High-five: [+5] This is used following sentences where points are scored. Ex: "Nice outfit, Hillary. Perfect for your concession speech.[+5]" (Judith Cottrill, Bronx, N.Y.) The Division by Zero: /0 Signifying futility, this is used to flag a pointless attempt to apply to life the concept of "fairness." Ex: "But I was here first! /0" (tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The Apostlephe: This is placed between two statements where a leap of faith is necessary to follow the logic. Ex: "Our economy is the best it's been in 30 years. This is the result of policies implemented during the Reagan administration." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) The Eclipses: . . . Used to indicate that what follows it overshadows what came before. Ex: "The Clinton administration will be known for many policy successes . . . and one sex scandal." (Mike Genz, La Plata) The Cold Shiver: [[[ Used to warn readers of an extremely disturbing image. Ex: "Last night the family was entertained by Grandpa Zeke and his [[[ dancing goiter." (Ned Bent, Herndon) The Coma: zzzz This is placed before and after a section of text that is so boring it will be heard only by the speaker or writer. Ex: My mom: Oh, did I tell you about zzzzz. Me: Uh-huh. My mom: . . . and anyway, the azaleas were zzzzzzz. Me: Uh-huh. (Chris Korte, Alexandria) The Hanging Curves: Warns the reader that what follows is not English but sports talk. Ex: "We lost the game but we didn't have to. A turnover or two goes our way and we out-possession them." (Russell Beland, Springfield) The Daschle: This indicates that the phrase that follows is to be spoken in a deeply serious, oratorical manner, however trivial the subject matter. Ex: " Mr. President, I once owned a dog . . ." (Russ Beland, Springfield) The Prepostrophe: !% This is used before a statement that is blatantly preposterous. Ex: !% "After Bill divorces Hillary," Monica said, "he's going to marry me." (Joe Lombard, McLean) An Apropostrophe: "[sstar]" This is used to call attention to a delightful mot juste: Ex: "It depends whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." "[sstar]" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Wag: This is used to warn that the passage that follows must not be read aloud, because it might cause dog arousal. Ex: " Where is the can opener? I must find it before I can go for a walk." (Ray Ratajczak, Arbutus) The Ticktock: Used as a warning before referring to someone with a ticking biological clock. Ex: "Say, Fred --Mary wants to meet you." (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) The Diarrheasis: This is a raised mark denoting fluid vowel movements. Ex: "Is this the queue to the loo?" (Chris Doyle, Rockville) The Comma Kaze: ,, Denotes a verbal assault exhibiting little concern for one's welfare. Ex: "Bite me,,Tyson." (Chris Doyle, Rockville) The Uncle's Pick: The Questionmarktwain: Used to underscore an amusingly witty question. Ex: "Have you noticed that everybody talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it " (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Uncle Explains: I have noticed this, too. Next Week: Terse Verse ====================================================================== WEEK 369, published October 1, 2000 Week XXXVI (369): Punch Us On a visit to the National Zoo, a woman and her child are shocked to see a cage filled with Ozark Mountain hillbillies playing banjos and drinking corn squeezins. The mother . . . A man walks into Trent Lott's office and orders a double martini . . . Daniel Snyder is seated in the waiting room of the Motor Vehicle Administration when . . . A worker at the D.C. morgue opens a drawer, and instead of a body he is surprised to see . . . A man gets into a D.C. cab and says he wants to go to Prague, Czechoslovakia. The cabbie says . . . A Democrat, a Republican, and a member of the Reform Party are playing golf at Avenel when the Democrat spontaneously combusts and . . . Two female Olympic gymnasts in leotards have tied Dennis Hastert to a chair and are smearing marmalade in his hair when . . . Two diners at the Inn at Little Washington are shocked to discover on the restaurant's menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup." They summon the waiter and . . . This Week's Contest: Complete any of these jokes. First-prize winner gets a vintage 1964 Goldwater bumper sticker ("In Your Heart You Know He's Right"). This is worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the soon-to-be-mailed-out "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXXVI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 9. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXXII (365), in which we asked you to submit a riddle and its word-for-word rhyming answer. To the many Steal Invitationalists who proudly submitted "Knickerbocker Liquor Locker" as your own, we congratulate you on your uncanny ability to live with yourselves. * Fifth Runner-Up: What do the makers of Viagra guarantee? Never-fail-ya genitalia. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) * Fourth Runner-Up: How would Santa Claus introduce his paid female companion to a famous Hawaiian singer? Ho, ho; ho, Ho. Ho ho ho ho.(Meg Sullivan, Potomac) * Third Runner-Up: Who came out of the closet and fell down the stairs? Tinky Winky Slinky. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * Second Runner-Up: Who is Sammy "The Claw" Langostino? Mobster Lobster. (Chris Doyle, Burke) * First Runner-Up: What is another name for Mad Sea Cow Disease? Manatee Insanity. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * And the winner of the Bill Clinton stand-up: I was in a coma--how did "Survivor" turn out, anyway? Shrewd rude nude dude out-IQ'd multitude. (David Genser, Arlington) * Honorable Mentions: What medication can last twice as long? Cyclops eyedrops. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) What did Hitler become on April 30, 1945? Aryan carrion. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What would you call the super-powerful breath spray dispenser invented by the Carolina Panthers' star running back? Biakabutuka Binaca Bazooka. (Robert Lafsky, Great Falls) In what exotic dance do you shed one article of clothing at a time until you are wearing nothing but a wire? Tripp Strip. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What can one say about Deion Sanders's $50 million deal with the Redskins? Prime-time crime. (Michelle Uhler, Fort Washington) What was the first thing handicappers did in this year's presidential campaign? Scratch Hatch. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What cavalry division defends the vast onion fields of Tuscany? Italian Scallion Stallion Battalion. (Noam Izenberg, Columbia) What is rarer than a McLean Mohawk? A Dupont Bouffant. (David Genser, Arlington) What do you call the lie you tell when you claim an appendectomy scar was a shark bite? Surgery perjury. (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church) What do you call a politician's stump speech, tried out first in a small town? Exploratory oratory. (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church) What are you unlikely to see in a Firestone shop these days? Tire buyer. (Russ Beland, Springfield) "I sat next to the duchess at tea. It was just as I feared it would be. Her emissions abdominal were simply phenomenal. And everyone thought it was me." How might one describe the writer of this poem? A martyr farter. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What is the Web address for the Coroners' Guild? Morgue.org. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What is another name for a blow-up doll? Dateable inflatable. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What conclusion was reached by the other 11 Apostles? Judas screwed us. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) What is the antidote for Viagra? Tumescence suppressants. (Chris Doyle, Burke) What is in the strip poker kitty? Panty ante. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Who was ultimately (George W. Bush) the person responsible (George W. Bush) for the ad that featured (George W. Bush) the word "rats" hidden in the text? Subliminal criminal. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What is a pimp? Hooker booker. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What did the president of Indiana University say to the basketball coach? Night-night, Knight. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) * The Uncle's Pick: What is the White House? President's residence. (Chris Doyle, Burke) The Uncle Explains: A simple, straightforward pun that is non-judgmental, makes no prurient allusions and takes no political position that someone might find offensive. Next Week: Just Fulghum ====================================================================== WEEK 370, published October 8, 2000 Week XXXVII (370): No End In Sight Passengers awaiting the arrival of Flight 123 from Chicago . . . The babysitter called and . . . I, Patrick J. Buchanan, do solemnly swear I will faithfully . . . This Week's Contest: The beginnings of sentences you don't want to hear the end of. It was suggested by Dick Holme of Denver, who stole it from Denver Post columnist Michael Booth, who wrote the first two examples above. First-prize winner gets a huge package of Candy Sand, a new candy product designed to look, for some reason, exactly like sand. This is worth $10. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXVII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 16. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXXIII (366), in which we asked you to come up with Robert Fulghum lessons on life, as learned from one of eight venues: "All I Need to Know About Life I Learned . . ." * Fifth Runner Up--On the Beltway: If you try real hard, you can make the honor roll at your school, even if your parents are dangerous, inconsiderate idiots. (David Genser, Arlington) * Fourth Runner-Up--On the Beltway: 1) On the left are the arrogant and the sanctimonious, who speed toward their objective with no regard for unintended consequences. 2) On the right are the smug and the oblivious, who block reasonable progress. 3) What goes around comes round.(Dick Barnes, Bethesda) * Third Runner-Up--From the World Wrestling Federation: Don't trust the media. During most interviews, someone will attack you from behind with a folding chair. (David Genser, Arlington) * Second Runner-Up--At the Dentist: Nitrous oxide can somehow cause your underpants to turn inside out. (Russell Beland, Springfield) * First Runner-Up--At the Wal-Mart in Germantown: People with no teeth can still get fat. (Larry Phillips, Falls Church) * And the winner of the Rush Limbaugh book in Polish: Online: A million monkeys at a million keyboards might eventually produce Shakespeare, but they are going to produce monkey porn sites first. (Martin Bredeck, Community, Va.) * Honorable Mentions: On the Beltway: When you wish to use the HOV lanes, cardboard cutouts of Mr. Spock and Capt. Picard will not pass close inspection. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) You can extend the life of your car's battery if you never use the turn signal. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) It doesn't do any good to find out about a traffic jam once you are in it. (Rosalie Beasley, Leonardtown) There are no silent letters in "Grosvenor." (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Style Invitational bumper stickers do not seem to be taking the world by storm. (David Genser, Arlington) When they say "Backup on the Wilson Bridge," it turns out they don't actually want you to do it. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Lots of people own a Porsche but for some reason always seem to be driving their other car. (Russell Beland, Springfield) At the Wal-Mart in Germantown: China's one-child-per-family policy can't be all bad. (David Genser, Arlington) It is possible to be someplace in the United States and not hear a cell phone ringing every 30 seconds. (David Genser, Arlington) Polyester stretch pants in size XXXL are available only in lime green. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) It's hard to find a car in a parking lot full of vans and pickups. (Larry Phillips, Falls Church) While I do not approve of running local mom-and-pop stores out of business, crushing their spirits and contributing to the homogenization of America, have you seen these savings? (John Kammer, Herndon) The announcement "Customer Service Representative to the gun counter" is a sign it is time to go home. (Cathy Stoll, Montgomery Village) At the Dentist: A good dentist doesn't check for cavities with his tongue. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Never put that spit-sucking device up your nose as a joke. Trust me on this. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Given enough controlled substances, anyone is drillable. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Having latex-covered objects placed in one's mouth is not as much fun as you might think. (Richard Davis, New York) Expensive is the head filled with crowns. (Russell Beland, Springfield) On the Metro: Always wear something from the knees down under your raincoat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 1) To maintain a healthy life, you must eat and you must excrete. 2) Sometimes, it will be illegal to do either. 3) It is possible to know next to nothing about the people closest to you. (Amy Fickling, Germantown) On United Airlines: Pilots have no sense of humor. (Larry Phillips, Falls Church) Blue water tastes different from clear water. (Larry Phillips, Falls Church) The works of Gershwin are in the public domain. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Online: Relatively speaking, John Birch was a liberal. (Mike Genz, La Plata) If you are looking to meet young, sexy underwear models, they seem to be drawn to chat rooms. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) Lying in the Gutter With a Bottle of Ripple: Things could be worse. You could be lying in the gutter with a bottle of Ripple and be married to Kathie Lee Gifford. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Women are liars. They aren't just looking for a guy with a good personality. (Russell Beland, Springfield) From 'Survivor': If you ever fulfill your fantasy of being marooned on an island with some babes, sure enough, the fat gay guy will be the only one to walk around naked. (Lloyd Duvall, Rosslyn) There's a reason actors are well paid. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Only in totally contrived situations is comeuppance delivered to perky young self-confident catty female attorneys. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Everyone in the world has a tattoo but me. (Jill Tallman, Frederick) * The Uncle's Pick: At the Dentist: Proper oral hygiene pays off. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The Uncle Explains: Ain't this the tooth? (Oh, my.) Next Week: No Future ====================================================================== WEEK 371, published October 15, 2000 Week XXXVIII (371): Ask Backward The Beer Witch Project RU-411 Eero Saarinen, Yuri Gagarin and the Euro Very Soft Money Patriotism and Underpants but not Vladimir Putin Vladimir Putin but not Gum-Out Fuel Additive Because It Can't Be Hummed Stop! In the Name of Rep. Constance A. Morella (R-Md.) Because It Discriminates Against the Deaf O.J. Salinger The Helium Bomb Thwock! Fweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more. Urgent announcement: Every five years or so we find it advisable, in the interests of reader harmony and good will, to prove to all you peevish, sullen, kvetching losers out there that we don't play favorites. We keep explaining to you that the reason the same names keep appearing in this space, instead of yours, is that these people are funnier than you are. But still you write and call and whine to the ombudsman. So, for the second time, we will prove it. In this contest, frequent winners--persons whose names have appeared in print four times or more since the Invitational resumed publication in January--may not enter under their own names, or supply any information in their entry that might serve to identify them. If they do--if we have any hint of who they are--their entries will be discarded, unread. After the results of this contest are published next month, those persons can come forward with proof of authorship, and we will credit them at a later date. First-prize winner gets a two-CD "John Tesh Music Sampler" set, including 13 hymns. This is worth $25. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXXVIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 23. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXXIV (367), in which we asked you to come up with a line that we are unlikely to find in a future work of art, literature or journalism. * Fifth Runner Up--On the jacket of Salman Rushdie's next book: "Mr. Rushdie writes daily from 6 to 10 a.m. in the upstairs study of his brownstone apartment at 428 Maple Ave., Glumtucket, R.I. 02084 . . .(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Fourth Runner-Up--On the next Andy Rooney segment: "Maybe it's just me, but I really don't like the taste of those ball gags. Why don't they make them in different flavors." (Russell Beland, Springfield) * Third Runner-Up--From the upcoming autobiography of George W. Bush: "I long for the simplicity of youth more than Peleus did Thetis, seeking that transcendent joy whose surcease in adulthood has me hungering to recapture evanescent memories from the desuetude of bygone . . ." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * Second Runner-Up--On the dedication page of John Rocker's autobiography: "To my wonderful bride, LaTonya." (Jessica Lynne Mathews, Arlington) * First Runner-Up-- In the next "B.C." strip: (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) * And the winner of the JFK painting: In the next Anne Tyler novel: "His gat spit lead first, but it missed. He fell at my feet, something temporarily alive, his death rattle misting up my patent leather pumps." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * Honorable Mentions: In the next James Bond movie: "Don't worry, it happens to every man sometimes, James." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) In Dick Cheney's memoirs: "In those days the Internet was a wild and free medium. I stayed up late nights on the campaign trail, downloading the latest Eminem hits from Napster, surfing Webzines to find the hottest riotgrrl bands about to break, and always, always looking to score increased bandwidth on my T-3. Man, those were the days." (Sean Carman, Seattle) In an upcoming Hints From Heloise column: "Yes, you can clean lipstick stains off a cummerbund, but why bother? Just throw the damn thing away and buy another!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) In an upcoming edition of The Washington Post: ". . . so for these compelling reasons, we endorse George W. Bush for president of the United States." (Noah Meyerson, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) In "Scream 4": "Let's get the hell out of here and call the police." (Chuck Smith, Soodbridge) In an upcoming issue of the Washington Times: "Clinton Restores Integrity!" (Russell Beland, Springfield) In an upcoming Firestone ad: "Separate yourself from the rest with Firestone!" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) In an upcoming Martha Stewart book: "If you do not have a four-inch square of hunter green velvet on hand, just use some wadded-up paper towels. Who do you think is going to look under there, anyway?" (Mary Lou French, Lorton; Cathy Stoll, Montgomery Village) In an upcoming White Pages: "Snyder, Daniel . . ." (David Genser, Arlington) In the next "Family Circus": "Stop crying or I'll really give you something to cry about." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) On the next "Judge Judy": "I apologize if I seem a bit abrupt . . ." (Fran Fletcher, Chevy Chase) In an upcoming Garfield strip: "Meow." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Shirley MacLaine: "And in the 1600s, I was a whore, a scullery maid, a grave robber, a whore again . . ." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) In an upcoming "Frasier": "But Daphne, I thought you KNEW I was gay . . ." (Roy Ashley, Washington) In Newt's obituary: "Mr. Gingrich's body will lie in state in the Capitol building that bears his name . . ." (David Genser, Arlington) From Dr. Laura Schlessinger's next book: "The moral path is not always clear. For example, a woman recently wrote to me: 'Almost nightly, my 15-year-old brings a new boyfriend home. They sleep together in her room. She curses at her father and me, drinks tequila straight from the bottle and takes drugs. Now she says that she wants us to pay for her crack and another tattoo, and her abortion. Should I do as she asks?' Well, I was stumped." (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) From the next "Chicken Soup" book: "Life sucks and then you die." (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Uncle's Pick: What you won't see as next week's Uncle's Pick: An immature entry that goes out of its way to use the word "poop." (Russell Beland, Springfield) The Uncle Explains: This is apropos because Mr. Beland clearly understands my code of honor. Still, I find this entry strangely troubling, somehow. Next Week: Hyphen the Terrible ====================================================================== WEEK 372, published October 22, 2000 Week XXXIX (372): Trial Balloons Fill in the balloons. Do one or more. First-prize winner gets a pair of vintage presidential bumper stickers, one for Wilbur Mills and the other for Carter/Mondale. These are worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXXIX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 30. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXXV (368), in which we asked you to create a new word from any two hyphenated words in the same article. * Fifth Runner Up: Flush-buster--Any object unwisely disposed of in a toilet, such as a dead mastiff. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) * Fourth Runner-Up: Jew-crets--Chicken-soup-flavored throat lozenges.(Dave Zarrow, Herndon) * Third Runner-Up: Diplo-ney--Insincere exchanges of friendship between foreign officials. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) * Second Runner-Up: Half-wife--The time it takes for half your spouse's looks to decay. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) * First Runner-Up: Pros-ture--The way a man must position himself for a date with The Finger. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) * And the winner of the campaign brochure: Neigh-der--A dark-horse presidential candidate. (Chris Doyle, Burke) * Honorable Mentions: Mu-cussion--A temporary loss of consciousness due to strenuous nose-blowing. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Report-lican--Any staff writer for the Washington Times. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Des-nity--How W pronounces "destiny." (Judy Trimarchi, Vienna) Unceremo-ment--Any event that lacks proper formality, such as learning of your raise by looking at your pay stub. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Intravenous-pies--Dessert for very seriously ill people. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Stud-oretical--Describes the type of reasoning in which one speculates about all the dates he would have if only he were muscular and good-looking. (James Winebrake, Harrisonburg) Hick-tocracies--The governments of West Virginia, Arkansas, etc. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Extrava-livered--Capable of imbibing vast quantities of alcohol. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Extramar-nopoly--Milton Bradley's venture into X-rated games. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Tur-do--A really bad haircut. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Gin-lationships--Dates made immediately following last call. (Nancy Rosenberg, Springfield) Ghet-timore--Just two miles from Camden Yards. (James Pierce, Charlottesville) Scen-tre d'--That guy who sells cologne in the men's room. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Strip-gun--For when X-Ray Specs just aren't good enough. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Bum-migration--The seasonal movement of homeless people to warm climates. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Crack-pin--A fastener to hold up a plumber's pants. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Elimi-phouet-Boigny--I am not sure what it is, but it sounds really bad. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Tick-town--Lyme, Conn. (Chris Doyle, Burke) End-ville--A cemetery where beatniks and jazz musicians are buried. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Soon-mail--A classification being considered by the beleaguered U.S. Postal Service. (Ray Ratajczak, Arbutus) Harley-tomatic--A motorcycle for wusses. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Jeopar-gin--Moonshine. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bar-trict--Got suckered into a bar bet. ("I'll bet you $50 I can bite my own eye.") (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Malfunc-juries--O.J. had one of these. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Por-nancial--Involving obscene amounts of money. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Morn-ry--How people feel before their first cup of coffee. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Pun-free--Living a bleak and joyless existence. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Suc-stitute--An undesirable substitute, such as a cold shower for sex. (Sandra Hull, Arlington; Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Pub-ple--The color of a nose inflamed by drink. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Crit-mains--Road kill. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Din-hibitions--The fear of being too loud while having sex. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) No-ware--A failed dot-com. (Stu Solomon, Springfield) Cincin-sin--Fun, fun, fun. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) As-pionage--Describes the use of a toilet-cam. (James Pierce, Charlottesville) Cad-lands--Hotel bars. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Is-tortion--What President Clinton did before the grand jury. (Russell Beland, Springfield) * The Uncle's Pick: Ad-day--The unniest-fay an-may in the ontest-cay. (Zack and Adam Beland, pringfield) The Uncle Explains: This is eartwarming-hay. Next Week: Punch Us ====================================================================== WEEK 373, published October 29, 2000 Week XL (373): An Extra Large Challenge This is the design for the front of the new Style Invitational T-Shirt. What should we put on the back? (Currently, it is the slogan: "Less Taste. Great Filling.") First-prize winner gets what may be the worst-timed book in the history of publishing, a hot-off-the-presses, lavishly illustrated history of the Firestone Tire Co. ("A Legend. A Century. A Celebration.") First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed-but-soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-Shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XL, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 6. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXXVI (369), in which we asked you to complete one of seven jokes we began. * Third Runner-Up: A man gets into a D.C. cab and says he wants to go to Prague, Czechoslovakia. The cabby says, "I can take you as far as the airport." The guy says, "Great. I can't wait to get back home." The cabby answers, "Home? Forget it, pal. I don't take Czechs." (Steve Fahey, Kensington) * Second Runner-Up: A Democrat, a Republican and a member of the Reform Party are playing golf at Avenel when the Democrat spontaneously combusts. The Reform Party member says to the Republican, "Now if only you could make Al Gore do that!" The Republican says, "Don't be an idiot. Gore couldn't even combust spontaneously." (Michael J. Hammer, Arlington) * First Runner-Up: Two female Olympic gymnasts in leotards have tied Dennis Hastert to a chair and are smearing his hair with marmalade when . . . . . . one of the women receives a call on her secret shoe-phone. She listens a second, then turns to the other gymnast and says, "Uh oh, Ludmila, we make mistake. KGB says we are to be butterink up American official." (Ned Bent, Oak Hill; J.J. Gertler, Arlington) * And the winner of the Goldwater bumper sticker: Two diners at the Inn at Little Washington are shocked to discover on the restaurant's menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup." They summon the waiter and . . . . . . complain that the dish sounds disgusting. "But, madame et monsieur," the waiter says, "I assure you jowl of opossum is a rare delicacy, and these are rotisserie-smoked to crispy perfection and served on a bed of warm arugula with tender shiitake mushrooms. And the sauce is a '97 Chateau Butterworth." Impressed, the diners order the dish. "An excellent choice," says the waiter, backing away with a bow. He then goes into the kitchen and bellows: "Hey Louie, gimme two rat cheeks in sap!"(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Honorable Mentions: A man walks into Trent Lott's office and orders a double martini, and . . . . . . the receptionist says, "I'm sorry, sir, but this is a Senate office, not a bar." "Permit me to introduce myself," says the man. "I am the NRA official in charge of distributing political contributions." "Would you like that stirred or shaken?" (Mike Genz, La Plata) Dan Snyder is seated in the waiting room of the Motor Vehicle Administration when . . . . . . an old man comes up to him and says, "How 'bout them Skins?" "A terrific team," beams Snyder. "I think that young feller, Rypien, might take them all the way to the Super Bowl," says the old man. "That happened in 1992, Old Timer," says Snyder. "Where have you been all these years?" "Right here in this waiting room." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) On a visit to the National Zoo, a woman and her child are shocked to see a cage filled with Ozark Mountain hillbillies, playing banjos and drinking corn squeezins. The mother goes up to the zoo director and asks, "How can you keep those poor people in cages?" And the zoo director says: "We had them in the nice, warm Monkey House, but there was too much throwing of feces. The poor monkeys couldn't duck fast enough." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Two diners at the Inn at Little Washington are shocked to discover on the restaurant's menu a dish of "hickory- smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup." They summon the waiter and . . . . . . ask, "Is President Clinton going to be dining here this evening?" (James Day, Gaithersburg) . . . the waiter looks at the menu, flings it down, and then yells to the owner, "Hey, the damned printers forgot to translate the menu into French, again." (Mike Ferrara, Alexandria) Two female Olympic gymnasts in leotards have tied Dennis Hastert to a chair and are smearing his hair with marmalade when . . . . . . the election results come in. "It's just as I feared," moans Hastert. "I'm toast!" (David Genser, Arlington) A Democrat, a Republican and a member of the Reform Party are playing golf at Avenel when the Democrat spontaneously combusts and . . . . . . after a stunned silence, the Republican says to the Reform Party member, "Pat, I think the Lord has cast his vote against our poor fallen friend Al." At which point the clouds part, and a booming voice comes down from the heavens: "And now, for the burning Bush . . ." (Courtney Knauth, Washington) . . . the caddy remarks, "Well, that's what happens when your heart gets too full of compassion." Then the Republican also spontaneously combusts. "Well, that's what happens when your wallet gets too full of money," says the caddy. The Reform Party candidate says cheerfully, "I don't have to worry about either of those things, so I'm safe!" But suddenly he, too, explodes. The caddy shakes his head. "Guess I should've warned him about the bowels." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A man gets into a D.C. cab and says he wants to go to Prague, Czechoslovakia . . . . . . The cabby says, "Even I know it's now called the Czech Republic, Mr. Bush." (Mary Wylong, Gaithersburg; Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The Uncle's Pick: Two diners at the Inn at Little Washington are shocked to discover on the restaurant's menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup." They summon the waiter and . . . . . . outraged, ask for the syrup on the side. (Howard Walderman, Columbia; Kat Butterfield, Potomac) The Uncle Explains: Indeed, it is best to use sweet, empty-calorie condiments sparingly. Next Week: No End in Sight ====================================================================== WEEK 374, published November 5, 2000 Week XLI (374): Bill Us Later Old Expression: A watched pot never boils. New Expression: A watched download never completes. Old Expression: You can't teach an old dog new tricks. New Expression: Andy Rooney won't be gettin' jiggy anytime soon. Old Expression: Playing with fire New Expression: Taking a hairpin turn in a Hazmat with Firestone Radials This week's contest was proposed by Greg Arnold of Herndon: Take a well-known expression and update it for the new millennium, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a genuine Winslow High sweat shirt, a promotional item sent out to newspapers by the dreadful new TV show "Boston Public," in the hopes of getting good publicity. It is worth $40. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 13. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXXVIII (370), in which we asked you to supply the beginnings of sentences we don't want to hear the end of. * Fourth Runner-Up: "Now, I'm not prejudiced or nuthin', but I gotta say . . ." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Third Runner-Up: "We are now making our approach to National Airport, and I have locked the cabin door and lit seven candles, as commanded by my dog, Buster, and . . ." (John Verba, Washington) * Second Runner-Up: "It looks like when they built your basement, they did a kind of funny thing . . ." (Russell Beland, Springfield) * First Runner-Up: "And with the first pick in the NBA draft, the Washington Wizards selected 8-foot-2-inch Sven Carlsson of the University of Oslo, whom team scouts predict . . ." (Peter G. Miller, Silver Spring) * And the winner of the Candy Sand: "Sir, uh, me and your daughter . . ." ( Bill Chang, Ithaca, N.Y.) * Honorable Mentions: "Ready, aim . . ." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "With all due respect . . ." (Jason K. Schechner, Leesburg; Russell Beland, Springfield) "Hi, I'm Sally Stru . . ." (James Pierce, Charlottesville) "Okay, what if in Episode 39, Mr. Spock had sabotaged the Romulan cloaking device and . . ." (David Genser, Arlington) "I hereby nominate as secretary of education J. Danforth Quayle, because of his unfilching deviation to . . ." (David Genser, Arlington) "Mom, I know you said I couldn't get my EARS pierced, so . . ." (David Genser, Arlington) "Fifty percent of patients with your condition . . ." (Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac) "Hello? Hello? If you signed a donor card, blink once, and . . ." (Russell Beland, Springfield) "First, I'd like to thank the academy . . ." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) "I'd like to go around the table and have each person . . ." (Russell Beland, Springfield) "In what experts are emphasizing is merely a long-overdue market correction . . ." (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) "We interrupt the State of the Union message for a special . . ." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) "People of the planet Earth . . ." (Stu Solomon, Springfield) "Good evening. Is this Mr. or Mrs. Eee-wing, er, Ooo-wing . . ." (Jerry Ewing, Fairfax) "Listen, Missy, as long as you live under our roof . . ." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "In accordance with Islamic law, I sentence you . . ." (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) "Wasssuuuu . . ." (Sandra Hull, Arlington) "You have the right to remain . . ." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Go right ahead and scream because no one . . ." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Leading by 17 runs going into the ninth inning tonight, the Orioles . . ." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Marion Barry announced today that he is testing the waters for a possible . . ." (Judith E. Cottrell, New York) Only on Sunday is not enough, so The Style Invitational will now . . ." (Mitch Bernstein, Washington) * The Uncle's Pick: The Uncle Explains . . . (Fred S. Souk, Reston) The Uncle Explains: Mr. Souk is making an excellent observation and simultaneously pricking a delicious irony; namely, that although The Uncle's Pick delivers a hearty chuckle, it also sadly signals the end of that week's Style Invitational. Next Week: Ask Backwards ====================================================================== WEEK 375, published November 12, 2000 Week XLII (375): Show Us Up Rugrat ER Intrigue and excitement as Legos, coins and Barbie appendages are extracted from the throats of screaming, out-of-control, panicky toddlers. The General Hospital Hillbillies Jed, Granny, Jethro and Ellie Mae strike it rich when they discover how to cheat the Medicare system. This week's contest was proposed by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. You have to pretend to be a high-powered TV executive who must come up with an idea for a new show. Since you are incapable of thinking of anything original, all you can do is to combine the names of two existing TV shows (past or present) to make an entirely new show. Then, describe the show. First-prize winner gets a hardcover copy of the Constitution of the Republic of Cuba and three 1972 Chilean handbooks decrying capitalist exploitation of the masses. Together they are worth $25. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 20. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXXVIII (371), in which we asked you to write questions for any of 12 "Jeopardy!"-style answers we supplied. This is the contest where--to test our objectivity--we prohibited frequent winners from entering under their own names, or in any way indicating their entries were pseudonymous. Several regulars seemed to think we were kidding. We weren't. The guy who entered as Rufus T. Firefly? Tossed, without reading. Dr. Lance Boyles? Wadded up and flushed. Some regulars simply couldn't figure out how to get around the fact that their e-mail addresses gave them away, and begged for absolution. Sorry. And then there was the entry arriving by snail mail from a "Vincent Von Elmo" of Kokomo, Ind., bearing a Rockville postmark, in a handwriting identical to that of a regular contributor who also mails in his entries, and also writes in blue Bic pen, and also staples his pages together. Tossed. We got 1,300 entries, total. We have no idea how many of the ones published below came from the 30 or so names you see all the time. We will credit any in an upcoming week, after authorship claims have been staked and verified. * Fourth Runner-Up: Answer: O.J. Salinger. Question: Who wrote "Catch Her in the Lie"? (Joan D'Urso, Medford, N.Y.) * Third Runner-Up: Answer: The Helium Bomb. Question: What was developed by J. Robert Wisenheimer? (Aaron Hofmann, Washington) * Second Runner-Up: Answer: RU-411. Question: What new drug can you take the morning after just to remind you of the guy's name and phone number? (Susan Iato, Washington; Andy Buonviri, Lovettsville) * First Runner-Up: Answer: Thwock! Fweeeeeeeeeeee. Question: What is the sound of one hand clapping, followed by someone yelling "Thwock! Fweeeeeeeeeeee"? (Elizabeth Mack, Washington) * And the winner of the John Tesh CDs: Answer: Patriotism and Underpants but not Vladimir Putin. Question: What might it be useful to have if you are involved in a potentially fatal submarine mishap? (Fred Hayes, Boonsboro) * Honorable Mentions: Because It Discriminates Against the Deaf Why has super-liberal Ralph Nader refused to propose a "sound fiscal policy"? (John Garcia, Annandale) What is an unlikely reason that someone would sue Gallaudet University? (Sean W. Finnegan, Springfield) What would be a shrewd excuse to give for not pledging your support to National Public Radio? (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) O.J. Salinger Who is devoting the rest of his life to finding the real killer of passengers aboard TWA Flight 800?(Laurie Ducharme, Gaithersburg; John Garcia, Annandale) What should I have named my back-stabbing daughter? (J.D. Salinger, Cornish, N.H.; Tonda Sherk, Earlysville) Name a hack writer. (Melanie Stephens, Manassas) Stop! In the Name of Rep. Constance A. Morella, R-Md. What campaign song was slightly less of a mistake than Sen. Robb's "Chuck, Chuck, Bo-buck . . . "? (Annika Tallis, McLean) Thwock! Fweeeeeeeeee How does a toothless ump signal that a batter has struck out? (Susan Iato, Washington) What does rough sex with a blow-up doll sound like? (B.T. Wells, Fairfax) How does Barbara Walters pitch the slogan for Wrigley's new throckless gum? (Annika Tallis, McLean) What is the sound of Mark McGwire joining Major League Wiffleball? (Noam Izenberg, Columbia) Who is the president of China? (George W. Bush, Austin, Tex.; Stephanie Cangin, Roanoke) What does it sound like when you run over a porcupine? (Mary Boggiano, Alexandria) RU-411 What adorable droid has the voice of James Earl Jones? (Alan Gerson, McLean) What pill should you take after phone sex? (Mark Schultz, Vienna) What pill for men makes them willing to ask for directions when they get lost? (Elizabeth Mack, Washington) Very Soft Money What did the moron gangster get when he tried to launder money using Downy Extra? (Joan D'Urso, Medford, N.Y.; Alan Gerson, McLean) What is another word for legal tender? (Mark Schultz, Vienna) The Helium Bomb What invention was based on the Hindenburg Uncertainty Principle? (Annika Tallis, McLean) One week after its release, what would critics call the documentary "Flyover--The Story of the Goodyear Blimp"? (Spencer Thornton, Falls Church) What is it called when you jokingly ask a scientist, "Who was that bag of inert gas I saw you with last night?" and it turns out to have been his wife? (Spencer Thornton, Falls Church) Eero Saarinen, Yuri Gagarin and the Euro What are three things that are dead as a doornail? (Nick Dierman, Berkeley) * The Uncle's Pick: Eero Saarinen, Yuri Gagarin and the Euro Who or what are a renowned Finnish architect, the Russian astronaut who was first to orbit the Earth, and the new European currency? This may not be funny, but I hope it has some value. (Meghan Meredith-Sands, Radford) The Uncle Explains: Not all entries need to be funny, if they are educational. Next Week: Trial Balloons ====================================================================== WEEK 376, published November 19, 2000 Week XLIII (376): Apply Yourself When my brother asked me to write this for him, I . . . My greatest passion in life, other than setting fires and watching them burn, has always been . . . This week's contest was proposed by Ben Aronin of White Plains, N.Y. Ben is a high school student who's been applying to colleges--a process that, although sometimes insincere and dishonest, can also be humiliating and disappointing. Ben suggests that you supply bad opening lines to college application autobiographies. First-prize winner gets a 1970s-era plastic Marilyn Monroe wall clock, with a swinging-hip pendulum. This is worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 27. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XXXIX (372), in which we asked you to fill in the dialogue balloons from any of the cartoons we provided. * Fourth Runner-Up: (Cartoon F) "Looks like that resourceful Mayor Williams has figured out how to solve the pothole problem and the morgue overcrowding problem at the same time." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) * Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon F) "No wonder road repairs take so long. All you ever see are these skeleton crews." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) * Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon F) "You have to admit it's more effective than a 'Don't Walk' sign." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) * First Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) "Dammit, Fred, that's not what I meant by 'Put the landing gear up'!" (Erland Kelley, Falls Church; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * And the winner of the bumper stickers:(Cartoon D) "Hey, my speech balloon is the only thing keeping us in the air!" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: * Cartoon A: "Cool! I am offending my parents AND my rabbi!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Cartoon B: "Hey, this bier is flat!" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Why do unknown Staake characters like me die, but not Mary Worth?" (Mike Elliot, Oberlin, Ohio) "Has my HMO agreed to let me see a specialist yet?" (Chris Doyle, Rockville) "I've heard of waking up a little stiff, but this is ridiculous." (Chris Doyle, Rockville) "Okay, you win the bet. It really does hurt to lie on a dead guy." (David Genser, Arlington) "Help, I am choking to death on my digital recorder. Help, I am choking to death on my digital recorder. Help, I am . . ." (Donald E. Burdett, Arlington) "I don't mean to complain, kids, but this doesn't look that much like a nursing home to me." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) * Cartoon C: "Is this the dating service? I think you misheard me. I said that so long as he was rich, I would take anyone with testicles . . ." (Sandra Hull, Arlington; James Pierce, Charlottesville) "Believe me, he's not that great a catch." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "I'm trying to get him to come out from under the bed, Ma. I keep telling him, 'Look, St. John's wort has some side effects, too. I'm sure the side effects from St. George's wort aren't so bad.' " (Susan Reese, Arlington) "We'd better lie low for a while, darling. I think my husband put a tail on me." (David Genser, Arlington) "So Dr. Funnypants just left the delivery room to tell all the nurses his 'sucker born every minute' joke." (Walt Johnson, Alexandria) * Cartoon D: "That's not what 'Roger, over' means, Roger." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Seat belt check! Hahaha!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Walt Johnson, Alexandria; Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) "This is just a guess, captain, but you're worried about landing on those Firestones, aren't you?" (Ken Schaetzle, Alexandria; David Genser, Arlington; Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) "This is your captain speaking. Has anyone else noticed that the beer is flying up out of the top of the can?" (Jim Tucker, Charlottesville) * Cartoon E: "Eat your filth, Jason. Flies are starving in North Korea." (Khang-Ninh Chuang, Bowie) "Do you have a maggot's menu for the kids?" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Wow! You know, I always assumed God had wings!" (Jason Walther, North Potomac) "And then shall come to pass a time known as 'The Coming of the Great Swatter,' when only the virtuous flies shall survive. Until then, let's eat." (Russell Beland, Springfield) "You know, Laurence, on days like this I am as happy as humans are when they are doing something they really like." (Jacob Sager Weinstein, Cambridge, Mass.) * The Uncle's Pick: (Cartoon A) "I am going to ham it up with the classic pork rock songs 'Love Me Tenderloin,' 'Piggy Sooey' and 'Sitting on the Dock of the Bacon.' " (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.; Ken Schaetzle, Alexandria) The Uncle Explains: This one tickled my ribs. Next Week: An Extra Large Challenge ====================================================================== WEEK 377, published November 26, 2000 Week XLIV (377): Week MMDCXLIV Gillette Announces New 17-Blade Razor George Z. Bush to Run for President 17th Nobel Prize Awarded for Mideast Peace Efforts This week's contest was suggested by Marvin Elster of Gaithersburg. Marvin proposes that you provide a headline (and, if necessary, the first line of the text) for any article that will appear in the Washington Post on this day in the year 2050. First-prize winner gets a genuine Hershey's Kiss[reg] hat, which transforms one's head into a giant Hershey's Kiss[reg] and provides valuable aluminum-foil protection from brain-control X-ray beams. This is worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLIV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 4. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XL (373), in which we asked you to design the back of the new Style Invitational T-shirt. But first, some unfinished business. Elsewhere on this page we reprint the results of a recent contest where we prohibited frequent winners from entering under their own names. It was an experiment to determine if the same names keep appearing as winners because 1) these are the funniest people out there, or 2) because we play favorites. We had no idea which of the 1,300 entries were real and which were ringers until pseudonymous authors contacted us afterward with proof. Check out the results, as corrected. Also, we would like to acknowledge receipt of some entries by Jan Verrey of Alexandria, a Style Invitational veteran who was in the hospital, and too weak to write. Still, in a desperate effort to win the T-shirt that has so far been denied her, Jan whispered her entries to another person, who typed them up and e-mailed them in. They were quite good, but, gosh darn it, not quite good enough. Try again, Jan! And now, the T-shirts. The winner goes on back of the shirt. The front of the shirt looks like this: ("LOSER" above a man standing on a chair trying to hang himself by a rope he is holding above his head, "Style Invitational" below [EJC]) * Fourth Runner-Up: Like a Rock. Only Dumber.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Third Runner-Up: ("imbecile inside", like "Intel inside" logo [EJC]) (John Kammer, Herndon) * Second Runner-Up: (a man standing on a chair trying to hang himself by a rope he is holding above his head, a "KICK ME" sign his back [EJC]) (Russ Beland, Springfield) * First Runner-Up: Don't Blame Me. I Voted for Buchanan and Gore. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) * And the winner of the history of Firestone: ("L O _ E R" as in Hangman, Q X V B I C T D A J N U F 2 crossed out below [EJC]) (Mike Elliot, Oberlin, Ohio) * Honorable Mentions: Fine, I'm a Loser. Now get off my back. (Barbara Sullivan, Potomac) I Stink, Therefore I Lose. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Who Let the Doggerel Out? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Visualize Whirled Feces. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) SHULER 5 (as a football jersey [EJC]) (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Style Invitational Staf (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) If You Can't Read This, Spank a Teacher. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Stinking Outside the Box. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Out-of-Potty Experience. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Dumb-as-a-Post.com. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Commit Random Acts of Senselessness. (Chris Doyle, Rockville) Purveyors of Fine Gallows Humor Since 1993. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) If you see this shirt being worn in an unsafe manner, fax 202-334-4312. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Made in Equatorial Gineau. (Philip Avigan, Silver Spring) I'm Stupid and This Other Person Is With Me. (Joe Kobylski, Vienna) The Uncle Doesn't Love Me. (Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac) Mall Security (Amanda Temple, Alexandria) Notice: Do Not Resuscitate. (Russell Beland, Springfield) I Hang With Losers. (Russell Beland, Springfield) I Ink I Can, I Ink I Can. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Don't Quit . . . Fail! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Never say "Uncle." (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) * The Uncle's Pick: Note: Do Not Attempt Feat on Front Without Proper Supervision. (Russ Beland, Springfield) The Uncle Explains: Fun is fun, but safety's number one. I am also sending poor Ms. Verrey a shirt. Next Week: Express Yourself ====================================================================== WEEK 378, published December 3, 2000 Week XLV (378): Bill Us Now The Cook-Franks-Brown bill requiring healthful preparation of processed meats. The Hart-Issa-Flake bill prohibiting anyone from running for president who has been caught in a flagrant affair with a young ditz. The Harman-Johnson bill to prevent self-abuse. This week's contest: Elsewhere on this page are two lists. The first is a list of all newly elected U.S. senators and representatives. The second is a list of senators and representatives who have lost their jobs this year through election losses, retirement or, um, death. Your challenge is to come up with a bill sponsored by any of these people in combination (you may combine names from both lists), and explain the purpose of the bill, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a genuine vintage 1966 porcelain oil lamp featuring the faces of all the presidents from (for some reason) Zack Taylor through LBJ. This is worth $30. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 11. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XLI (374), in which we asked you to update common expressions for the new millennium. But first, a special note: Pointing out that we held an identical contest four years ago, several people wrote in to accuse us of senility. This is unfair. We are every bit as alert and aware as we ever were. Which reminds us, several people noted that we held an identical contest four years ago, and accused us of senility. Well, we're fine. Thank you. And now, the Report from Week XLI, in which we asked you to take common expressions, and update them for the new millennium. * Second Runner-Up: Old expression: Cutting off your nose to spite your face. New expression: Votin' for Nader. (Joseph Romm, Washington; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * First Runner-Up: Old expression: Ditto. New expression: Big time. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) * And the winner of the "Boston Public" sweat shirt: Old expression: What goes around comes around. New expression: RE:Fw:FW:Fw:Fwd:FW:Fwd:FWD:Fw (Twyla Vernon, Verona) * Honorable Mentions: Old expression: What part of "no" don't you understand? New expression: What part of "is" don't you understand? Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Old expression: To kick the bucket. New expression: To open Kaczynski's Christmas present. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Old expression: Just a wolf in sheep's clothing. New expression: Just a virus with a smiley attachment. (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley) Old expression: Cutting off your nose to spite your face. New expression: Pulling a Michael Jackson. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Old expression: It's no use crying over spilt milk. New expression: It's no use crying over dimpl't chads. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Old expression: The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. New expression: The way to a man's heart is through an artery in his groin. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Old expression: The walls have ears. New expression: The bosoms have microphones. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Old expression: Where there's smoke, there's fire. New expression: Gloves don't get themselves bloody. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Old expression: Getting caught red-handed. New expression: Anointing a blue dress. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Old expression: One man's trash is another man's treasure. New expression: A free AOL disc makes a great bagel slicer.(Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Old expression: Good as one's word. New expression: Good as a notarized enforceable contractual obligation with stipulated penalties. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Old expression: Counting your chickens before they're hatched. New expression: Don't count those chickens! (George W. Bush, Austin, Tex.; Chris Shreves, Oak Hill) Old expression: Biting off more than one can chew. New expression: Gunning for the Heimlich. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Old expression: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. New expression: If you can't stand the porn, get out of the Net. (Jason K. Schechner, Leesburg) Old expression: Picking the low-hanging fruit. New expression: Sleeping with Monica. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Old expression: A chip off the old block. New expression: Knitted with Dolly's fleece. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Old expression: Your mother wears army boots. New expression: Your mother's partner wears army boots. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) Old expression: New expression: :) (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) Old expression: Looking for a needle in a haystack. New expression: Looking for a white Ford Taurus in the Potomac Mills lot. (Twyla Vernon, Verona) Old expression: My life is an open book. New expression: My life is an unencrypted ASCII file. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Old expression: As pure as the driven snow. New expression: As pure as the driven snow since 1976 or so. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Old expression: Up yours. New expression: Acquaint yourself with the alien probe. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Old expression: Beating a dead horse. New expression: The Uncle Explains. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) * The Uncle's Pick: Old expression: Window shopping. New expression: Windows shopping. (James Pierce, Charlottesville) The Uncle Explains: The writer is noting that holiday shopping has become a grueling affair in which one must look through many store windows, not just one. Next Week: Show Us Up * Akin, Allen, Brown, Cantor, Cantwell, Capito, Carnahan, Carper, Carson, Clay, Clinton, Corzine, Crenshaw, Culberson, Davis, Davis, Dayton, Ensign, Ferguson, Flake, Graves, Grucci, Harman, Hart, Honda, Israel, Issa, Johnson, Keller, Kennedy, Kerns, Kirk, Langevin, Larsen, Matheson, McCollum, Nelson, Nelson, Osborne, Otter, Pence, Platts, Putnam, Rehberg, Rogers, Ross, Schiff, Simmons, Solis, Stabenow, Schrock Tiberi. Abraham, Archer, Ashcroft, Barrett, Bateman, Bliley, Brown, Bryan, Campbell, Canady, Chenoweth-Hage, Clay, Coburn, Cook, Danner, Ewing, Forbes, Fowler, Franks, Gejdenson, Goodling, Grams, Hill, Kasich, Kerrey, Klink, Lautenberg, Lazio, Mack, Martinez, McCollum, McIntosh, Metcalf, Minge, Moynihan, Packard, Pease, Pickett, Porter, Rogan, Romero-Barcelo, Salmon, Sanford, Stabenow, Talent, Vento, Weygand, Wise. ====================================================================== WEEK 379, published December 10, 2000 Week XLVI (379): Rather Unusual "His back's against the wall, his shirttail's on fire, and the bill collector's at the door." "This thing's as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford." "This is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O." "Gore is gasping for air like a disoriented, run-over mudskipper in an iron lung on a Georgia clay backroad in a Mississippi August." This week's contest: The top three quotes are actual lines uttered by Dan Rather, compiled by John O'Byrne in Dublin, Ireland, during the first few days of the Election Follies. Your job is to come up with even better ones. Your examples may describe any circumstance, but it must do so with Rather's unbearably folksy excesses. (A special mini-category may be created for similar parodies of Dennis Miller on "Monday Night Football"; his expressions are unbearably effete.) First-prize winner gets a copy of "Leading With Laughter," Volume 1 of a new series of audiocassettes demonstrating presidential humor. This one is devoted, exclusively, to the humor of former president George Bush. We have listened to this 40-minute tape and can report that in it, Bush tells many humorous stories, all of which appear to be quotations from people like Will Rogers. It is worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLVI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 18. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XLII (375), in which we asked you to combine names of two TV shows, past or present, into a new show. Recent news provoked many predictable entries along the same theme: "The Wild, Wild West Wing"; "The West Wing: Who's the Boss?"; and "Whose West Wing Is It, Anyway?" The best of these was "The Real West Wing World," by Susan Reese of Arlington: "When the election ends in a tie, both families have to live and work together in the White House for four years! Hilarity ensues!" There shall be no prizes awarded to the intellectual hooligans who proposed combining "I Dream of Jeannie" and "Leave It to Beaver." Likewise, "Ellen" and "The Dick Van Dyke Show." * Fourth Runner-Up: "Gilligan's Fantasy Island"--The Skipper, the Howells and the Professor are rescued. (Jennifer Barlament, Sterling; Brendan Beary, Great Mills) * Third Runner-Up: "Magoover"--Myopic jack-of-all-trades gets flummoxed by plastic explosives, etc. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) * Second Runner-Up: "Doody Afire"--A show that focuses on the pranks of high school mischief-makers. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * First Runner-Up: "Everybody Loves All My Children"--Sitcom featuring typical suburban soccer mom. (Chris Shreves, Oak Hill) * And the winner of the Cuban constitution and Chilean handbooks: "L.A.P.D. Victory Garden"--Cops show how to plant evidence.(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * Honorable Mentions: "My Mother the Taxi"--After Jerry Van Dyke discovers his mom has been reincarnated, he decides he might as well have her earn her keep. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "All My 222 Children"--A documentary on the life of Dr. Cecil Jacobson. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Twin Baywatch Peaks"--Same show, more honest labeling. (Susan Thompson, Rockville) "Win Jack Benny's Money"--An extremely low-budget show. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Route 66, Where Are You?"--Two hip guys cruise around, totally lost because they won't ask directions. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "20/60"--Less aggressive news magazine; stories are a little fuzzy. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville; James Pierce, Charlottesville) "Just Shoot Martha Stewart"--Who needs a synopsis? (Bob Leitelt, Ludington, Mich.; Joseph Romm, Washington) "20/20 Magoo" --The cranky protagonist undergoes Lasik surgery and suddenly discovers a vast new world. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) "The Munsters M*A*S*H"--The lovable family joins a mobile Army surgical unit and high jinks ensue when they start reanimating corpses! Great theme song, too. (Kevin Cole, Washington) "Who Wants to Marry Judge Judy?"--The least successful show ever. (James DiBenedetto, Arlington) "The Fugitive Survivor"--The fat naked gay guy runs all over the country trying to find anyone who cares anymore. (Marcy Alvo, Annandale; William Pifer-Foote, Leesport, Pa.) "Buffy the Dark Angel Slayer"--Catfight! Catfight! (Chris Shreves, Oak Hill) "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire for 60 Minutes?"--Contestants discover that the IRS moves very, very fast. (Jacob Sager Weinstein, Cambridge, Mass.) "Yogi Doody"--Daily adventures of a bear in the woods. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) "Whose Line Is It, District?"--The life and times of Marion Barry. (Michael Irani, Charlottesville) "Will, Ellen and Grace"--Will Ellen and Grace . . .? (Royce Campbell, Harrisonburg, Va.) "The Bonanza Bunch"--The Ponderosa is turned on its ear after Pa returns from Virginia City with a new missus and her three blond daughters, the youngest one in curls. In the pilot, Hoss referees a chili cook-off between Alice and Hop Sing. (Brandy Yarbrough, North Beach, Md.) "Knots Tonight Show"--A documentary on marital problems. (Lloyd Duvall, Rosslyn, Pa.) "Calling All Cooks for Ally McBeal"-- A public service show focusing on a hidden killer of young women. (Mel Loftus, Holman, Wis.) "Touched By Mister Rogers"--An expose. (Greg Pearson, Arlington) "Lassie, the Frugal Gourmet"--Learn how to make cheap but satisfying meals with kibble, smelly dead animals, regurgitated grass. . . . (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "20/20 Jeopardy!"--Contestants try their hand at performing laser eye surgery on themselves. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) "Pee-wee at the Movies"--On second thought . . . (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "When Animals Attack Geraldo"--A smash hit. (Mike Elliott, Oberlin, Ohio) * The Uncle's Pick: U.N.C.L.E. Knows Best--(Art Simpsen, Alexandria) The Uncle Explains: Any explanation would be unseemly. Next Week: Apply Yourself ====================================================================== WEEK 380, published December 17, 2000 Week XLVII (380): The New-Name Offense Old name: Styrofoam New name: Tofu-tile Old Name: Cellulite New name: Gluteflab Old name: Sneeze New name: Shnitz This week's contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who notes that Beaver College in Pennsylvania has recently changed its name to Arcadia College (for reasons that, in the interests of good taste, we do not wish to even speculum about). The only point we want to make is that some places or things are very much in need of a name change--either because there is something wrong with their name, or because another name would be so much more descriptive. Propose some changes, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets The World's Only One-Size Fits All Shoe, an extremely dense product that appears to be vacuum-packed in a very tight space, and that we are afraid to open for fear of the accidental amputation of a nose or finger. It is worth $15. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLVII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 24. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XLIII (376), in which we asked you to compose a very very unwise first line to a college application. High school senior Beth Baniszewski, from Columbia, reports that her actual college application letter contains the following line: "Last spring I received my most cherished honor to date, the Rookie of the Year plaque given by the obsessive followers of the Washington Post's Style Invitational humor contest." We wish Beth a terrific academic career at the Eugene C. Thudsplatter College of Cosmetology and Refrigerator Maintenance. Fourth Runner-Up: When I told my friends I was applying to Lehigh, they were, like, no way, and I was, like, yes way. And they were, like, way cool. And I was, like . . . (Chris Doyle, Burke) Third Runner-Up: My mother has probably already written to you, spreading her lies . . . (David Genser, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: I am a vegetarian and all I demand is that any vegetable I eat be pureed or finely chopped so it in no way resembles its original self before it was murdered. I am sure your dining hall . . . (Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, N.Y.) First Runner-Up: Four years of fees at your institution comes to about $78,000; you just bill my father and mail me half the money. He'll never find out. Trust me, this deal is sweeeeeet. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the Marilyn Monroe wall clock: My plan for college is: S -- start with the basics C -- comprehensive approach H -- Help fellow man O -- Organize knowledge L -- Leisure time E -- Eat properly R -- Respect for diversity.(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions Most people don't realize that there actually is more than one way to skin a cat . . . (Laura McGinniss, Madison, N.J.; Jason Kirwan, Washington) First off, coach said there wasn't going to be no writing . . . (David Genser, Arlington) If I have accidentally sealed this envelope with cash inside, well, finder's keepers! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I'm 49, newly divorced, eager to start a new life and new career, and teach that sonova . . . (Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx) I'm grounded until I complete this application. So here goes . . . (Mike Genz, La Plata) [College name] is my first choice since it is perfectly suited to my interests and abilities. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Because my girlfriend is applying to your school (actually, she is not really my girlfriend yet, since I have not spoken to her, but I know everything she does) I have decided . . . (Russell Beland, Springfield) I was born in February 1983 at Holy Cross Hospital in Silver Spring, then the next few years are kind of a blank, then I was enrolled in nursery school . . . (Jim Eppard, Germantown) To demonstrate my love for your school, I have spray-painted your logo on my town's water tower. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Dear Harvard: I am six foot seven and I way 285 pounds and I'll knock any linebacker gets in my way right on his ass if you let me in. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) I study the English since two annuals, so can right the many pages insuing with no difficult. (Thomas Drucker, Carlisle, Pa.) I do not take drugs, drink, smoke, read pornography, eat fatty foods, watch TV, speak, bathe . . . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Jesus, Moses, Muhammad, Siddhartha, Confucius, Zoroaster, Martin Luther--I love 'em all! (Fred S. Souk, Reston) Nothing makes me crazy like people who walk dogs in public. (Richard Davis, New York) College is probably the last place they'll look for me, so . . . (Larry Phillips, Falls Church) As the enclosed transcripts demonstrate from my previous semesters at Harvard, Colgate, Strayer College, the DeVry Institute . . . (Mike Elliott, Oberlin, Ohio) Stardate 590217. Dear Starfleet Academy . . . (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Dear Morty: I am sending you this e-mail while taking a break from filling out State U's online application form, which was obviously designed by idiots . . . (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Please accept my apology for the pencil smudges. I can't find a pen . . . (Jean Sorenson, Herndon) I was born on a dark and stormy night after my mom was in labor for 25 hours and she bled all over and she looked like raw meat or some huge gaping wound like on a battlefield from a cannonball where you see all the severed tubes sticking out and . . . (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg) When in the course of human events it becomes necessary to write some impressive sounding crap that you pompous fatheads probably won't even read past the first few words . . . (Carolyn Dikranis, Clifton; Colette Zanin, Greenbelt) Attending your fine institution would give me the opportunity to mix socially with such diverse groups as homosexuals, African-Americans, Jews, and others not normally encountered in respectable society. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) To Admissions Committee, Bob Jones University: People are always asking me, "Hey, LaKeisha, why are you such a devoted Wiccan?" and I say . . . (Noah Meyerson, Washington) Out stand application my make to something do should I that know I. (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt) The Uncle's Pick: My IQ is not only a perfect square, it is the perfect square of a perfect square, and in fact is the perfect square of a perfect square of a perfect square . . . (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Uncle Explains: The applicant's IQ must be 256, which is 2 times 2 times 4 times 16. This is not particularly funny, but math is important. Next Week: MMDCLIV ====================================================================== WEEK 381, published December 24, 2000 Week XLVIII (381): Idiom Savant To make hay while the sun shines--To seize the opportunity; from the production of hay, or mown grass dried to fodder, by exposing it to the sun when available. Mad as a hatter--Crazy; from the use of mercury in the making of felt hats. Hatters were often afflicted with a violent twitching as a result of its effects. Winning hands down--Effortlessly; from the way a jockey, sure of victory, loosens his grip on the reins. This week's contest: The above derivations of common idioms were given by the World Almanac. We are guessing there are plenty of other idioms where the derivation is not known, or is insufficiently interesting. Take any well-known idiom, or expression, and invent an interesting derivation for it, as in the clam example atop. First-prize winner receives a hand-painted antique ceramic plate celebrating the many splendors of Scenic South Dakota, which appear to include Mount Rushmore, something called the "Corn Palace" and a giant goony bird. This is worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the nauseatingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLVIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 2. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XLIV (377), in which we challenged you to come up with headlines we are likely to see in The Washington Post in the year 2050. Fourth Runner-Up: Florida to Be Readmitted to Union(Chris Shreves, Oak Hill) Third Runner-Up: Plague of Spotted Owls Threatens Crops, Livestock (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals Anal Probes Were 'Just for Fun' (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the Hershey's Kiss[reg] Hat: Mother Lewinsky Dies Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor "This is true love," he beams. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, N.Y.; James and Erika Pierce, Charlottesville) Mall Construction Begins on Grenada Memorial (John McCambridge, Rockville) The Cloning Revolution--A Retrospective by Mark Twain (John Fiorini, Reston) Cody, Cassidy Gifford Elude Authorities Drug-Crazed Crime Spree Continues (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) President 'Bonecrusher' Jones to Face Chief Justice 'Wahoo' Ortega in Cage Match (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Tofu Hoax Uncovered; Alleged Foodstuff Taken off Shelves (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt) Adam Sandler WinsIrving R. Thalberg Award (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) Pope Phil II SettlesCustody Battle with Ex-Wife (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus on Mutants (Russell Beland, Springfield) Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) Japan's Overcrowding Increases Residents Urged to Stand On Each Other's Heads (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley) Baseball Expansion Again Bypasses Washington Jackson Hole and Grand Forks to Get Franchises (Paul Kondis, Alexandria; Lou Goddard, Reston; Henry E. Kilpatrick Jr., Arlington) Tell Me About It Advice for the Under-80 Crowd (David Genser, Arlington; Russ Beland, Springfield) D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells for $9.6 Million at Sotheby's (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Nursing Home Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegation (William Barratt, Falls Church; Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJRNabiscoExxonMobil of Monopoly Charges (Joseph Romm, Washington) Orioles Monica Two-Run Lead in Ninth (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss (Chris Shreves, Oak Hill) Baby Conceived Naturally Scientists Stumped (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) It Wasn't the Cigarettes, It Was the Ashtrays (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Mayor of Reagan, D.C., Sworn In (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) New Presses to Allow Smaller Type, Saving Newsprint, Increasing Profits --Change Slated for Next Month (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Cal Ripken Jr. Reduced To DH Role (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Wounded by Jealous Husband (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Style Invitational Unloads Washington Post Media Giant Says Stagnant Newspaper Arm Was Drain on Profits (Steve Fahey, Kensington) The Uncle's Pick: The Nephew's Pick: The Nephew Explains: Only some lame adult would try to explain a joke. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Uncle Explains: Kids say the darnedest things. Next Week: Bill Us Now ====================================================================== WEEK 382, published December 31, 2000 Week XLIX (0382): Pickup Schticks Man to Woman: "Hi. Would you like to see my speculum collection?" Woman to Man: "Sir, may I assure you that what I lack in beauty and personal hygiene, I make up for in experience." This week's contest: Inept pickup lines. By either sex, to either sex. First-prize winner gets a very fancy set of six pastel-colored 1960s cocktail glasses, each of which is attached to a four-foot loop of chain. We are reliably informed these are "Neckglasses," for hands-free partygoing. We kid you not. It comes with a spiffy aluminum carrying case. It is worth $60. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLIX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 8. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XLV (378), in which we asked you to create bills that might be sponsored by any of the incoming and/or outgoing members of Congress. But first, some important news. For years, The Czar has been complaining that there are no national celebrities who enter the contest. Finally, we have one. And he is not only a celebrity, but the perfect Style Invitational celebrity. This week, The Style Invitational officially enters The Big Time. See if you can find him. * Fifth Runner-Up: The ABRAHAM-VENTO-ISRAEL bill reaffirming Jewish historical claims for a homeland. (Marleen May, Rockville) * Fourth Runner-Up: The CLINTON-CARPER bill to designate George F. Will as a national hysterical monument. (Adam Clymer, Washington) * Third Runner-Up: The AKIN-HART bill declaring the position of Country Singer Laureate.(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington; Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) * Second Runner-Up: The AKIN-TIBERI-GRAMS bill to prohibit premature euthanasia of old folks. (Kate Milan, Catlett, Va.; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * First Runner-Up: The HONDA-ISSA-PEASE-SCHIFF bill to promote American cars vs. foreign competitors. (Mike Genz, La Plata; Gregory Bartolett, Rockville) * And the winner of the porcelain oil lamp featuring the faces of all the presidents from Zack Taylor through LBJ: The STABENOW-JAY-ISRAEL-KELLER bill to overturn the not-guilty verdict in the Simpson case. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) * Honorable Mentions: The FLAKE-TIBERI-CAPITO bill to educate D.C. residents on how to cope with small amounts of snow. (Michael J. Hammer, Arlington) The OSBORNE-OTTER-CLAY-VENTO-CLAY-GRAVES bill supporting the concept of "ashes to ashes, dust to dust." (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) The GRAVES-SCHIFF bill supporting additional compensation for persons who work midnight to 8. (W. Wallace Respass, Lenoir, N.C.) The McINTOSH-ARCHER bill declaring William Tell's birthday a national holiday. (Barbara Rich, Charlottesville; Ellen Daniels, Takoma Park; Chris Ardizzone, Alexandria) The FOWLER-KLINK-SOLIS bill to require that each WNBA player who misses a free throw receive an immediate hug from her teammates. (Toby Dorsey, Silver Spring) The KLINK-ISSA-TALENT bill honoring the memory of Werner Klemperer. (Gary Krist, Chevy Chase) The WISE-McINTOSH-DAYTON bill promoting caution in online romance. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) The CLINTON-JOHNSON-ISSA-AKIN bill to investigate the health results of celibacy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The DAYTON-ROGAN-KLINK act to support lonely, pathetic females. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The COOK-METCALF bill to promote vegetarianism by requiring anyone preparing meat products to introduce themselves to the animal before slaughter. (Caron Zuck, North Potomac; Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The ISSA-ALLEN-McCOLLUM bill forcing Tony Kornheiser to fess up as to where he gets the jokes he uses in his radio show. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The WISE-VENTO-CANADY bill providing additional amnesty for draft evaders. (Thomas E. Mannle, Falls Church) The STABENOW-EWING-KLINK bill to establish a "use-a-knife-go-to-jail" policy. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The CLINTON-DAYTON-FLAKE bill establishing mandatory minimum competency standards for White House interns. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The ABRAHAM-MARTINEZ-JOHNSON bill to investigate why the good die young. (Mike Murphy, Munhall, Pa.; Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) The PUTNAM-ALLEN-GRAVES bill outlawing cremation. (Michael K., Amy and Rebecca C. Gilson, Gaithersburg) The CAPITO-HILL-LARSON bill strengthening D.C. laws against pyromaniacs. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington; Ariel Schwartz, Ithaca N.Y.) The FOWLER-HART anti-spoonerism bill. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) The WISE-TIBERI-CARNAHAN bill outlawing the election of dead people to Congress. (Dave Yost, Winchester) The CANTWELL-SCHIFF-HONDA-CARSON-HILL bill authorizing an investigation into transmission-related consumer safety issues with certain Japanese imports. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The CANTWELL-PICKETT bill prohibiting networks from calling close elections based on exit poll data. (Melinda Tabler, Washington) * The Uncle's Pick: The WISE-AKIN bill to prohibit public use of sarcasm or satire that might offend some people or hurt their feelings. (Dwight Davis, Arlington; John Kammer, Herndon) The Uncle Explains: The writer creates a pun of the word "wiseacre," playfully turning it into a gerund, which is a verbal noun that has all the uses of the noun but retains syntactic characteristics of the verb, such as the ability to carry an adverbial modifier. Grammar can be fun. Next Week: Bill Us Now ====================================================================== WEEK 383, published January 7, 2001 Week L (383): A Kinder, Gender Nation Why "computer" is a feminine noun: Because only its creator understands its internal logic, and because once you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. Why "computer" is a masculine noun: Because in order to get its attention, you have to turn it on, and because as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, a better model would have come along. This week's contest: Unlike French and Spanish, English does not have masculine and feminine nouns. But what if it did? Take any noun and give us a reason or two why it should be either masculine or feminine, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets "Oh Deer," a plastic deer that poops out brown jelly beans. It is worth $10. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week L, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 15. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XLVI (379), in which we asked you to come up with examples of Ratherspeak, the CBS anchor's cloyingly folksy analogies to describe the recent election fandango. We thank you all for the many fine variations of the old expression "He was as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs." Many of these efforts were quite inventive, but when a contest knowingly rewards knockoffs it starts down a slippery slope, the bottom of which is the sort of everyone-wins, feel-good cutest-baby-picture contest sponsored by newspapers like the Bugle-Harrumpher of Lenoir, N.C. We had our suspicions about the originality of several entries, and -- fairly or not -- disqualified them, exercising our prejudices without compunction: Accordingly, "This whole event has been as organized as a bucket of minnows," submitted by Roy Burrow, was discarded on the theory that Roy comes from a place called "Nokesville," where people probably talk like that. Likewise, we trash-canned "Al Gore has to be more frustrated than a three-legged dog with fleas" by Jim McWilliams, who, we will dryly point out, hails from "Shepherdstown, W.Va." On a related note, we thank Cindi Rae Caron of Lenoir, N.C., for fessing up that this entry of hers is actually spoken down there: "He's busier than a one-legged man in a pickle seed kickin' contest." Fourth Runner-Up goes to an entry in the subcategory of Dennis Miller sports pretentiousness: "This game has undergone so many emotional bounces, they'll call the movie 'Son of Flaubert.' " (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Third Runner-Up: "Gore's hubcaps are gone, he's all out of chaw, and there's a chicken head in his McNuggets." (Chris Winters, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up: "This election is dicier than the rearview mirror of a '63 Impala."(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) First Runner-Up: "The voters were as torn as a Sears catalogue in a three-holer." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of the "Leading With Laughter" tape, devoted to the humor of former president George Bush: "Sorting out this election is going to be harder than suckin' grits through an ear trumpet." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: "We networks backed out of that Florida prediction faster than a unicyclist facing the wrong end of a shotgun." (Carolyn Bickford, San Jose, Calif.) "Put on the po-lice scanner, mama, we're gonna be up mighty late this prom night." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Freshen your chaw and get a new spit cup, cause this election's gonna grind on longer than Little Egypt on dollar beer night." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Gore is going backwards faster than an odometer on a used-car lot." (James DiBenedetto, Arlington) "This election's like a tipped-over outhouse. Noisy, smelly, and only funny to the people who ain't in it." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Colin Powell has got hisself on more short lists than bread and milk." (Mel Loftus, Holman, Wis.) "The Supreme Court looked about as disinterested as a Spam-eating dog under the dinner table." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "The Supreme Court ruling was as confounding as a square dance called by an auctioneer." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "This election has about as much of a chance of working itself out easily as a bowling ball swallowed by a constipated mule." (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) "Well, we're retracting the Florida projection, and I'm about as embarrassed as a horned toad gettin' romantic with an oatmeal cookie." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Gore is as stiff as a wet shirt on a clothesline in February." (Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac) "The plane's on fire, he's jumping out from only 100 feet, and Dan Quayle packed the parachute." (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Potomac Falls) Dennis Miller subcategory: "This is one hell of an election. The coin's in the air, and it's gone down the back of the ref's pants." (Fred S. Souk, Reston) "The wide receiver is as isolated out there as a pupa." (Howard Walderman, Columbia) "The Jaguars are like a litter of Schroedinger's cats -- you can't tell whether they are dead or alive." (Chris Doyle, Burke) "Redskins fans are like Uncle Vanya finding out Professor Serebryakov is a fraud." (Chris Doyle, Burke) "Tiger Woods is Achilles without the heel problem." (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Uncle's Pick: "Gore was as nervous as a long-tailed cat on the court during a game of wheelchair basketball." (Carolyn Bickford, San Jose, Calif.) The Uncle Explains: His tail might get run over. ====================================================================== WEEK 384, published January 14, 2001 Week LI (384): What's Your Story? This week's contest: Take at least four of these cartoons, arrange them in any sequence you wish, and make up a funny story that they would illustrate. Make sure you indicate which ones you use, and in what sequence you are using them. First-prize winner gets a Michael Dukakis Halloween mask, a value of $25. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 22. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XLVII (380), in which we asked you to take something and improve upon its name. Third Runner-Up: Old name: Doughnut hole. New name: Breakfast chad.(Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Second Runner-Up: Old name: Colonoscopy. New name: Goose 'n' gander. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) First Runner-Up: Old name: The Wizards. New name: Err Jordan. (Chris Doyle, Burke) And the winner of the World's Only One-Size-Fits-All Shoe: Old name: (sic). New name: (W). (Lynne Filderman, Potomac Falls) Honorable Mentions: Old name: Tryst. New name: Randyvous. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Old name: Pessimist. New name: Naytheist. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Old name: San Jose. New name: .comelot. (Fred S. Souk, Reston) Old name: Nader. New name: Nadir. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Old name: Mistake. New name: Hojeez. (Chris Shreves, Oak Hall) Old name: Hillary Clinton. New name: Hillary Rodham. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Old name: Palindrome. New name: Wordrow. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Old name: The Electoral College. New name: The Antiquated Election-Stealing Farce. (Al Gore, Washi Nashville; Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Old name: Israel. New name: Palestine. (Yasser Arafat, Jerusalem; Philip Avigan, Silver Spring) Old name: Metro escalator. New name: Staircase. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Old name: Moderate. New name: Liberal. (Mike Genz, Potomac) Old name: "The Return of the Native." New name: "Native II: The Return." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Old name: I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. New name: I'm Like No Way It's Not Butter. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Old name: Memo. New name: Paper Trail. (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) Old name: Halitosis. New name: Dreath. (Jean Sorenson, Herndon) Old name: Tinsel. New name: Foilage. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Old name: Inauguration. New name: Chadenfraud. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Old name: Napster. New name: Nabster. (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) Old name: Spork. New name: Foon. (Brett Walton, Bridgewater, Va.) Old name: Big Mouth Billy Bass. New name: Idiot finder. (Chris Shreves, Oak Hall) Old name: Coach Class. New name: Steerage. (Mel Loftus, Holman, Wisc.) Old name: Dubya. New name: Asterisk. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Old name: Ipecac. New name: Actually, there is no better name. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Old name: Drive-by shooting. New name: Whizbang. (Judith E. Cottrill, New York) Old name: Wal-Mart. New name: Mall-wart. (Marco Cuniberti, Washington) The Uncle's Pick: Old name: Hanging Chads. New name: Dingleballots. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The Uncle Explains: "Dingle" is a delightful combination of "dangle" and "hinge." Inventing new words can be fun. ====================================================================== WEEK 385, published January 21, 2001 Week LII (385): Proceed Gingerly 1. It will sweep over the world and change lives, cities, and ways of thinking. 2. If enough people see it you won't have to convince them to architect cities around it. It'll just happen. 3. Assembly can be performed in under 10 minutes using a screwdriver and wrenches. 4. The only question is, are people going to be allowed to use it? This week's contest was proposed by dozens of people. Recent breathless news stories report the existence of a still-secret invention, code-named "Ginger," that is said to meet each of the criteria above. What is this gizmo? First-prize winner gets a 3-by-6-foot Republican flag, a value of $35. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 29. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XLVIII (381), in which we asked you to invent old derivations for common expressions: Second Runner-Up -- "You can't get blood from a stone": Some things are simply impossible; originally, phlebotomists' jargon acknowledging that Keith Richards's veins are long collapsed, useless to the Red Cross. (Chris Doyle, Burke; Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) First Runner-Up -- "Pay peanuts, get monkeys": You get the employees you pay for; from an experiment in which a thousand chimpanzees with a thousand typewriters were set to work for an indefinite period in an attempt to reproduce the works of Shakespeare. "Pay peanuts, get monkeys" was the only decipherable phrase produced, albeit in a surprisingly high percentage of cases. (Rod Ewing, York, England) And the winner of the South Dakota commemorative plate: "To throw up one's hands": To surrender; from New Guinea cannibal society, in which it was considered de rigueur to be able to keep down one's food. When they failed, it often involved hands, which tended to be dirty, filled with small, sharp bones, and unusually hard to digest.(Gordon Labow, Glenelg) Honorable Mentions: "Can't make heads or tails of it": Indecipherable; originally used to describe the government's ill-advised and ill-fated 42 1/2-cent spherical coin. (Ben Aronin, White Plains, N.Y.) "When my ship comes in": Hoped-for success; originally it referred specifically to the trade in illegal drugs. The message was slightly coded to fool authorities. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Cut the cheese": To pass wind; from ancient times, when cheese was produced in large blocks and was hard as a rock. The cutter would have to exert himself terribly, bending and straining to the point where . . . (Gordon Labow, Glenelg) "Pay through the nose": To overpay; from medieval times, when people used to exchange goods for mucus, which was highly prized as a wallpaper adhesive. (Gordon Labow, Glenelg) "Out to lunch": Crazy; from early 20th-century urban life, when sweatshop workers thought they could take 10 minutes off during their 14-hour shift to eat something, and not get fired. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) "To eat a square meal": To eat healthfully; from the mistaken belief of 1970s parents that tofu was the healthiest diet. (Russ Beland, Springfield) "To beggar description": To be virtually indescribable; from the fact that people avoid looking at homeless panhandlers, and therefore cannot describe them. (Chris Doyle, Burke) "Any port in a storm": To make do under difficult conditions; derived from the fact that one ought not be such a snob when one is snowed in at one's winter chateau, and one should settle for whatever after-dinner drink is on hand, even if the vintage is not ideal. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) "Well done is better than well said": Act, don't speak; when ordering steak, take what they give you because if you send it back, the chef will spit on it. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) "When the chips are down": Bad times; from the smell of the north 40 in the hot sun after the cattle have been grazing. (Howard Harrell, North Potomac) "Snug as a bug in a rug": Safe and secure; originally a CIA expression, based on the success of covert listening devices placed in toupees. (Greg Robinson, Springfield) "Chewing the fat": Jawing to no purpose; from a now-discredited weight loss program that was futile as well as disgusting, painful and often fatal. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) "Drunk as a skunk": Really drunk; selected as a phrase because "drunk" doesn't rhyme with "newspaper reporter." (John Held, Fairfax) "Pull one's punches": To hold back for strategic purposes; from an arcane electoral procedure whereby weakly punched voting cards were withheld from the count. (Rod Ewing, York, England) "Brevity is the soul of wit": The key to humor is being concise; from the Elizabethan notion that underpants ("brevities") embodied the essence of humor. ("To crown thyself the king of levity / Drop thy trunks and show thy brevity.") (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "To start from scratch": To conceive something; from the action of some women who rake their fingernails on their partners' backs during sex. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Not to be sneezed at": Information to be ignored at one's peril; from the lesson number one impressed upon first-time cocaine users. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) "To bet one's bottom dollar": Bet one's last remaining money; from the movie "Papillon." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "To cry uncle": To submit in utter defeat; from the incorporation of the word "uncle" in Style Invitational entries in the last-ditch, desperate hope of appealing to the pathetic vainglory of one thickheaded prude and earning, at least, the Uncle's Pick. (James Winebrake, Harrisonburg; Ben Aronin, White Plains, N.Y.) The Uncle's Pick: "He who laughs last laughs best": Only at the end can you see who is the real winner; from the fact that the Uncle, in his wisdom, invariably chooses the funniest entry.(Joseph Romm, Washington) The Uncle Explains: And this week is no exception! ====================================================================== WEEK 386, published January 28, 2001 Week LIII (386): The Game of Clue Stupid. Unhappily Married. Boorish. Lazy. Reckless. Jealous. Stubborn. This week's contest: What are some clues that someone might be any of the above? Choose one or more. (Example: You can tell someone is stupid if she brings a scarf back to the store because it is too tight.) First-prize winner gets a framed, two-foot-long Band-Aid, a value of $40. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 5. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK XLIX (382), in which we asked for bad pickup lines. Second Runner-Up -- Woman to Man: "Hey, buy me a drink so I can wash down these damn Midol." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) First Runner-Up -- Man to Woman: "My analyst says I need some help overcoming my misogyny. How about it, bitch?" (Rod Ewing, York, England) And the winner of the tumblers-on-a-chain: Man to Woman: "Hi. I'm the guy who moved 'Dilbert' to the business section." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Honorable Mentions: Man to woman: "I'd like very much to buy you a drink when I get back from the men's room. Say, would you happen to have any reading material on you?"(Jerry Ewing, Fairfax) "Let's go to your place. They'd never look for me there." (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) "Wait. Don't go anywhere. I just need to have a little more to drink." (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) "Hi. I have a very fancy signature." (Howard Walderman, Columbia) "You're under arrest for impersonating a Greek goddess. But not like one of those statues with the head knocked off, you know, one that's got all its arms and legs, and the nose isn't chipped, and she's just sort of standing there naked." (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt) "I know what you're thinking. That I look like one of those crazed lunatics who'll become obsessed with you and root through your garbage and kill your pets, but really, I'm nothing like that anymore." (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt) "People say I'm like a young Paul Newman. I can eat 50 eggs." (Rod Ewing, York, England) "Hi. You've never been here before. I know that because I have been here every night for the past eight years." (Richard Crenshaw, Riva, Va.; Chris Shreves, Oak Hill, Va.) "I know what you're thinking. How can this stud be attracted to ME?" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) "You look like you have a GREAT personality." (Andy Lees, Minneapolis) "Hello, gorgeous. Lend me a ten-spot and I'll buy you a drink." (Vickie Fruehauf, Arlington) "Are you going to drink the rest of that?" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "If you could be any of the living physicists who have not won the Nobel Prize, which one would it be?"(Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) "Your eyes are like vapid pools." (Edward Mickolus, Dunn Loring) "My buddies and I have a bet. Just how much do you weigh?" (Chris Doyle, Burke) "You have the kind of alabaster skin between your eyebrows that is stunning when glimpsed between your veil and chador." (Steven Feder, Arlington) "Greetings to you. I am wanting very much to be mating with your body." (Russ Beland, Springfield) "Is this a banana in my pocket, or am I just glad to see you?" (Russ Beland, Springfield) "Can I buy you a drink? My wife has been in labor for 12 hours, and I'm really stressed out." (Tom Cronin, Eugene, Ore.) "You are exactly the same size as my last girlfriend. Would you like some of her clothes? I still have the key to her apartment." (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Woman to man: "You know how to whistle, don't you? Just put the QuickAlert Whistle in your lips and blow until the police come." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) "Is that a pencil / mini Tootsie Roll / toothpick / stringbean in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; Holly Hacker, St. Louis; Jennifer Hart, Arlington; David Genser, Arlington) "Hi. Slip your tongue in my ear. I'm trying to annoy one of those bikers over there." (Chris Doyle, Burke) "I finally realized I have to get over that louse and meet new people. So, what's YOUR name?" (Vickie Fruehauf, Arlington) "Hi. I'm as fertile as Mesopotamia." (Tom O'Connor, St. Paul) "Lose the sideburns, get your elbows off the bar and sit up straight. And hello." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Uncle's Pick: Man to Woman: "Hi! My name is both a palindrome and a fishing tool."(James Pierce, Charlottesville) The Uncle Explains: Ladies SAY they like smart men, but they'll always go for the football hero over the clever fellow like our friend . . . Bob." ====================================================================== WEEK 387, published February 4, 2001 Week LIV (387): By Jingo Q: How many Step 4 GS-13s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but you'd need at least a Step 3 GS-15 to draft the RFP for incandescent illumination devices, and a Step 1 GS-8 in a very short skirt to persuade an SES 2 to approve the expenditure! This week's contest was created in response to an alarming development. For the first time ever, more than half the published entries (below) were submitted by foreigners -- persons who live outside the Washington Post circulation area. Because The Style Invitational is the only remaining pure meritocracy on Earth, where choices are made entirely on the basis of humor, the Czar was powerless to prevent this. This week's contest: Come up with a joke that could be written only by a Washingtonian, and understood only by the same. First-prize winner gets an astonishing prize we recently purchased in West Virginia: a framed tableau featuring an 1890s photograph of two men with comical Smurf-like haircuts, a sprig of faux mountain laurel, buttons, and a small tin of laxatives, all mounted on a cloth doily. It is, trust us, priceless. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LIV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 12. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK L (383), in which we postulated that English has male and female nouns, and asked you to assign a gender to nouns of your choice, and explain your reason. Third Runner-Up: Detective Novel -- f., because you're not supposed to peek at its end the minute you pick it up. (Arthur Litoff, Dillsburg, Pa.) Second Runner-Up: Swiss Army Knife -- m., because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.(Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley) First Runner-Up: Kidneys -- f., because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. (John P. McDermott, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) And the winner of the deer that poops jellybeans: Inflatable doll -- m., because you can dress it up but you can't take it anywhere. (J.F. Martin, Naples, Fla.) Honorable Mentions: Penlight -- m., because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't very bright. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Chad -- f., when pregnant. m., when hanging. (Tom Berson, Deland, Fla.; John Cogburn, Southlake, Tex.) Hammer -- m., because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it's handy to have around and is good for killing spiders. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Tire -- m., because it goes bald and often is over-inflated. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Hot air balloon -- m., because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, there's the hot air part. (Susan Thompson, Rockville) Ketchup bottle -- m., because it will give you what you want as long as you spank it first. (Or is that just the men I know?) (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Pen -- m., because anytime you get your hands on a good one, you lose it right away, but the cheap pieces of crap seem to hang around forever. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) Web page -- f., because it is always getting hit on. (Holly Hacker, St. Louis) Web page -- m., because you have to wait for it to reload. (Holly Hacker, St. Louis) Soap -- m., because it is often in a bar, it's slippery when in hot water, and it can be quickly worked into a lather by rubbing it. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Hourglass -- f., because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Shoe -- m., because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. If it's not a sneaker, it's often a loafer. And you want to put a sock in it. (Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, N.Y.) Copier -- f., because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Mel Loftus, Holman, Wis.) Department store -- f., because it has more than three pair of shoes. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Magic 8 Ball -- m., because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Knives -- m., because whether sharp or dull they will always cut the cheese. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Ziploc bags -- m., because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Sponges -- f., because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Molecules -- f., because without them, you'd be nothing. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Critic -- f. What, this needs to be explained? (Chris Hill, Santa Fe) Subway -- m., because it uses the same old lines to pick up people. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Calendar -- f., because it is good at helping you remember birthdays. And because once a month, it flips. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Tupperware -- m., because it holds things in tightly, and when it does finally open up to you, it burps. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Black hole -- m., because it is one of the densest objects in the universe. (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie) Tangerine -- f., because it is a little tart, a little thin-skinned, and falls to pieces remarkably easily. (Zora Margolis, Washington) The Style Invitational -- f., because no matter how funny or clever I am, it ignores me. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The Uncle's Pick: Titmouse -- f., because it is small and adorable. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The Uncle Explains: At last, a nice observation. You don't need to denigrate the opposite sex in order to generate laughs. ====================================================================== WEEK 388, published February 11, 2001 Week LV (388): Pitches in the Dirt Product: Surplus Funnels Pitch:"College men: For your next kegger, don't get caught without the Amazing Flatulence Megaphone." This week's contest: You are a hotshot marketing executive facing a difficult problem. Your client has 50,000 surplus units of some ordinary product and he needs to move them fast, at a big profit. Your job: Come up with a sales pitch to get this stuff jumping off the shelves. Choose any product, and then give us the pitch. (The pitch need not reflect the use for which the product is intended.) First-prize winner gets a really artsy serving bowl made from a partially melted 1950s Julie London LP. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 19. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK LI (384), in which we asked you to create a story around any four or more of these illustrations. First Runner-Up: An opera star (C) was injured at home when attempting to move a washing machine (K). Instead of canceling her solo performance, the promoter sent an e-mail to Yo-Yo Ma hiring him to replace her. But the promoter was unfortunately blindfolded at the time (I) and mistyped the name. Astoundingly, the evening was saved when Yo-Yo Man (D) performed brilliantly. (Mel Loftus, Holman, Wis.) And the winner of the Michael Dukakis Halloween mask: Once upon a time there was a wonderful, happy little boy (H) who lived with his mommy, who loved him very much. His daddy (D) also claimed to love him, even though he was consistently late with his child support and Mommy couldn't afford to have the washer fixed and she had to agitate the wash herself (K). Well, the judge said that the little boy had to spend every other weekend with his daddy and that cheap floo -- , uh, lady he married. That lady didn't like having a little boy running around, and decided to make sure he would never run around her house again. She pretended to be nice to the little boy all day, and then put sleeping pills in his dinner (N). After the little boy went to sleep, she mixed up a batch of cement (F) and when the little boy woke up he was (A) cemented into a big washtub! And he was never able to run around and play again. Wasn't it too bad that he got fooled by that lady his daddy married and actually ate something she cooked? Now, did you remember to put your toothbrush and toothpaste into your backpack? Daddy will be here any minute to pick you up.(Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) Honorable Mentions: From the earliest times (G), women have sought sexual satisfaction but have had to make do with various sexual aids (J and K). When they are with their husbands, though, sometimes the heavens just won't move (E) and they must fake it(C). (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) In today's news (L), the Bush administration released its compassionate conservatism package. To cut costs, all Braille signs will be removed from federal buildings. However, to remain compassionate, all federal employees shall be blindfolded while working, so as to not give the visually abled an unfair advantage (I). Children's health insurance will also be curtailed, but to counter accusations of heartlessness, all new parents will be entitled to a free bag of cement (F) to securely anchor their children (A) until such time as they are old enough to go purchase their own tobacco products and spittoon (M). Seniors will still be able to choose between their prescription medications or food (N). As for the president, he is spending his first 100 days vacationing in beautiful Myrtle Beach. When asked about his administration's reform package, he remarked: "A package? For me?" (B). (John Watson and Michael Wallace, Washington) "Who Wants to Carry a Frigidaire?" (K) was a big hit initially, but after several hernias . . . (Holly Hacker, St. Louis) Waldo's the name. I'm a private dick (D). One day some dame slips a mickey into my chili (N). While I'm in cuckoo land (E), I have this recurring dream I've had since I was a kid -- no, not the one about Wilma Flintstone in that thigh-high leopard pelt (G), the one about being in concrete overshoes (A). It turns out to be prophetic because when I come to I'm in a car with wise guys, heading for a bridge, sporting a pair of freshly poured, 100 percent cement (F) Hoffa loafers. Still, it could have been worse. After all . . . Hoffa loafers are better than none. Bet you didn't see that one coming (I). (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) How rich are the kids in Potomac? They are so rich, they ride scooters made out of platinum (H). They are so rich, their parents clone dead presidents just to entertain at their birthday parties (D). They are so rich, they get to use convenient, wraparound urinals (A). And they are so rich, when they want to throw a water balloon, they tell their butler to do it (M). (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Uncle's Pick: Jennifer Hart, Arlington (I), is so confident she composes her entry blindfolded. (Bob Leitelt, Ludington) The Uncle Explains: This is funny because we understand that it is not the entry process, but the judging process, that sometimes seems to be done with a blindfold. (We kid because we love.) ====================================================================== WEEK 389, published February 18, 2001 Week LVI: Operation Overkill Problem:Can't score with the chicks Solution: Run for President of the United States Problem: Acne Solution: Belt sander Problem: High cost of firewood Solution: Burn furniture Problem: You can't find an adequate way to express your outrage at the failure of society to make basic urban infrastructure function effectively. Solution: Send men to the moon. This week's contest was proposed by Bob Sorensen of Herndon after reading an account in The Post of a man who cut off his hand in a tragic miter-saw accident; in an apparent effort to relieve the pain, the man proceeded to use a pneumatic hammer to drive a dozen nails into his head. To Bob, this suggested a natural contest: Present a problem, and then propose a solution that goes just a little too far, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets the First Ladies Coloring Book, c. 1970, featuring oddly identical likenesses of all first ladies from Martha to Pat. This is worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LVI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 26. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK LII (385), in which we asked you to disclose the nature of Ginger, the super-secret invention that is said to be on the verge of completely changing urban life as we know it. But first, we present a special feature seen only twice before in the history of this contest: an interview with the Czar. Most questions below were submitted by regular Style Invitational entrants. 1. Is The Style Invitational run by the Jews? The Style Invitational answers to a board of directors consisting of one Irish American, one Amerasian, one African American, one Jew, one Presbyterian, one Lutheran, an Indo-European, a Druid, a Wiccan, a Polynesian-Cypriot and an Aleutian Islander with an eating disorder. This panel approves all winning entries after a rigorous screening process to detect cultural biases and assure gender neutrality, ethnic sensitivity, geographic and socioeconomic diversity, and respect for the differently abled. 2. No, seriously. Yes, The Style Invitational is run by the Jews. 3. What the heck kind of a name is "Boisfeuillet," anyway? Boisfeuillet "Bo" Jones is the publisher of The Washington Post. We see nothing unusual about his name. 4. What is the current state of humor in America? West Virginia. Followed closely by Arkansas. 5. Are you bothered by recent comments from The Post ombudsman in an online chat, in which he said that he is not "a fan" of The Style Invitational and that it "cheapens and degrades the newspaper"? No. He is right. It does cheapen and degrade the newspaper. We just happen to think that is a good thing. 6. He also said of The Style Invitational that he does not understand "why it is allowed because I think it does the paper absolutely no good." Does it do any good, and if so, what? It keeps the ombudsman busy, so he doesn't notice all the other really gratuitous, reader-unfriendly things Post reporters and editors do, such as making fun of people in their obituaries. Our favorite was a recent article that described the deceased as "a surly old cow." 7. Why haven't you deposited my bribe of 12/13/00 yet? Some of us need to balance our checkbooks. Sorry. 8. Do you have any shocking news you wish to announce? Yes. Starting next week, The Czar is leaving on a secret three-month assignment. In his place, the contest will be run by a committee of two: the Auxiliary Czar, who is female, and the Uberczar, who is not. They are both, however, Jews. The Czar wishes you to extend to them all the fawning sycophancy that he is accustomed to. The Czar also wishes to announce that during this period he will become an ordinary contestant, sending in entries from a remote location under an assumed name not known to the committee of two. Further, he declares that he will, upon his return, publicly disclose his success rate at being selected for publication by the contest he created and has ruled dictatorially for the last seven years. 9. Wow. Precisely. 10. For you to be doing this stupid Q and A, the results of the Ginger contest must have been really, really bad. How bad were they? This bad: The best entry, the winner of the Republican flag, is Ervin Stembol of Alexandria for this: Nuh-uh. This time, I'm not telling anyone until I patent it. (Al Gore, Arlington) 11. Wow. Precisely. ====================================================================== WEEK 390, published February 25, 2001 Week LVII (390): Canine Fashion This week's contest, based on the above photograph, will be explained below. But first, this important digression. The Czar of the Style Invitational has once again seen fit to temporarily abandon his duties and desert his post. I, the Uberczar, will be filling in (with invaluable assistance from the tireless and incorruptible Auxiliary Czar). Fortunately, this is not a fifth-grade classroom, prepared to welcome the substitute with all the forms of creative subversion that simmer in the pre-adolescent mind. I have the luxury of knowing that in dealing with someone less than completely familiar with your quaint customs, you people -- and I mean that in the most respectful way -- will demonstrate the sensitivity and generosity of spirit for which you people are so justly famous. That said, I realize that in these "getting-acquainted" weeks I may understandably blunder into sins of omission or commission. If you have any helpful comments or suggestions in that regard, please feel free to register them by logging on to www.biteme.org. Back to this week's contest. It has come to The Uberczar's attention that Style Invitational contestants sometimes find it convenient to utilize sexual or scatological innuendo in the service of humor. Not this week. Use the above image as the inspiration for any one or more of the following tasks: 1. A caption explaining what is happening. 2. An explanation of why this image is not just photography but art. 3. A description of what additional items might be needed to make the image complete. Sex and potty jokes will be disqualified. First-prize winner gets the above photograph, an official White House photo about the size of a landing strip mounted on the finest sponge board. It is worth $30. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 26. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK LIII (386), in which we asked for clues that someone is stupid, reckless, etc.: Third Runner-Up: You can tell someone is stupid if . . . his vanity plates say "MY PLATES." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: You can tell someone is stupid if . . . he removed the "scroll lock" key from White House keyboards. (David Genser, Arlington) First Runner-Up: You can tell someone is unhappily married if . . . he tells you he and his wife don't have anything in common anymore and that he plans to get a divorce as soon as he can. That's how you can tell. (Monica Lewinsky, New York; Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the two-foot-long Band-Aid: You can tell someone is lazy if . . . he pours his beer directly into the urinal. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Honorable Mentions: You can tell someone is stupid if . . . He had a vasectomy because he didn't want any more grandchildren. (Judith Cottrill, New York) He dials 411 to ask for the emergency number. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) He always wears a condom. I mean, always. (David Genser, Arlington) The bumper sticker on his car says "I'd Rather Be Driving." (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) He replaced two windows and a TV set before realizing his eyeglasses were cracked. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) He thinks his fax machine doesn't work because the original keeps coming back out. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) He peeks at the end of Bruce Catton's trilogy to see who won. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) He hosts a Seder at a restaurant and pays for Elijah's meal in advance. (David Pimentel, Slidell, La.) He looks for the instructions in his new package of socks. (Jeffrey Plunkett, Venice, Calif.) He denies being stupid, and even offers to provide a urine sample. (David Genser, Arlington) He attaches a mailing from Publishers Clearing House to his mortgage application. (Art Litoff, Dillsburg, Pa.) She brought her baby back to the hospital because it was leaking. (Judith Cottrill, New York) You can tell someone is unhappily married if . . . She and her husband hire the same hit man. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) He asks you to kill and eat him, instead of voting him off the island and sending him back home. (Steve Calderon, Seattle) For your anniversary, you suggest a trip to Temptation Island. (Holly Hacker, St. Louis) He has a picture of his hand on his desk at work. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) You can tell someone is boorish if . . . At the state dinner he uses the demitasse spoon to clean his ears. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) He asks, "Hey, are you done with that hunk of floss?" (Russell Beland, Springfield) He runs for president of the United States just because he needs the furniture. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) You can tell someone is lazy if . . . She intentionally opens a virus in order to clean up her hard drive. (Susie Hawk, Harrisonburg, Va.) He doesn't bother microwaving the microwave popcorn. (James Pierce, Charlottesville) He waits for all of his fish to float to the top of the aquarium so they'll be easier to feed. (David Genser, Arlington) He uses not only a Clapper, but a recording of someone else clapping. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Whatever. (Ron Dimon, Fairfax) You can tell someone is reckless if . . . She takes the year-after pill. (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) He has unprotected sex with a crack whore in the back of a Ford Pinto. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) You give advise on spelling when your being filmed. (Anonymouse, Indianapolis; Russell Beland, Springfield) He measures out his bungee cord, then adds "a pinch to grow on." (Russell Beland, Springfield) After he's done shaving, he needs a two-foot-long Band-Aid. (Paul Styrene, Olney) You can tell someone is jealous if . . . He insists his wife blindfold the baby before breast-feeding. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) She paid a proctologist to install Lojack in her husband. (Paul Styrene, Olney) He doesn't like the look she's giving the priest through her wedding veil. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) He stares at your Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt and shakes his head in feigned bafflement. (Mike Elliott, Oberlin, Ohio) At night he checks the mileage on his wife's electric wheelchair. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Uncle's Pick: You can tell someone is stupid if he bets on a tie in a baseball game. (Max Wasserman, Bethesda)(The Uncle Explains: It is truly tragic how gambling has ruined so many families.) ====================================================================== WEEK 391, published March 4, 2001 Week LVIII (391): Spinning Out of Control Real Headline: Sanders Won't Commit to Redskins Alternative Subhead: Daniel 'Santa' Snyder Pledges Reduced Ticket Prices, 'Mercedes Day' Fan Appreciation Promotion Real Headline: Trace Levels of Scotchgard Found Absorbed in Humans Alternative Subhead: Environmentalists Optimistic, Predict Drop in Toilet Paper Use This week's contest, suggested by Greg Arnold, Herndon: Take any headline in today's Washington Post and create a subhead (which Arnold defined, in a bravura show of technical expertise, as "whatever you call that headline-like thing in smaller type below the main headline") that spins the story in an opposite or unexpected direction, as in the above examples. Use headlines from any item in the Sunday Post, including advertising. Ignore existing subheads. Include the page number of the headline with your entry. First-prize winner gets a festive coffee mug commemorating the "Economic Report of the President, January 1987." This commemoration is accomplished on the mug's exterior by reprinting the phrase "Economic Report of the President, January 1987" many times in a handsome white typeface. A $4.95 value, $ 54.95 if filled with Sacagawea dollars. (Sacagawea dollars not included.) First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LVIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, March 12. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. A word of apology to those of you who actually read the small type. The Uberczar, as predicted, messed up uberly his first week by giving the wrong deadline and wrong week number. In his defense, he issued the following statement: "Roman numerals? What's up with that?" REPORT FROM WEEK LIV (387), in which we asked for jokes that only Washingtonians would get. Third runner-up: Why did W cross the road? So the Washington press corps could fawn over his road-crossing ability.(Joseph Romm, Washington) Second runner-up: Andrea Mitchell is leaving Clyde's of Georgetown when a manhole cover explodes. Her husband rushes into the street and flings himself under the cover just before it hits the pavement. Andrea thinks, "That's Alan -- he'll do anything for a soft landing." (Chris Doyle, Burke) First runner-up: How can you tell an old Redskin from a young Redskin? Count the rings. (Mike Genz, La Plata) And the winner of the bizarre West Virginia tableau: How did the GS-1 shut down the federal government? He went into a crowded cafeteria and shouted "Snowflake!" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Honorable Mentions: How long does it take to drive from Georgia to Connecticut? About five minutes, if you don't wait for Dorothy to surrender. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) What do Andre Agassi and smart investors have in common? When it gets too hot, they pull out of Legg Mason. (Jerome Spaans, Brussels; formerly of Montgomery County) What do you get when you cross a serial killer with congressional mailing privileges? Son of Sam and Frank (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Why did General Washington cross the Delaware instead of the Potomac? Virginians don't go into Maryland. (Jon Graft, Centreville) When the going gets tough, the tough update their Optional Form 510s. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) What's the difference between the Beltway and Lorton? More traffic flows through Lorton. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What do you call a long line of people at 14th and Constitution at 4:45 p.m.? A slugfest. (Chris Doyle, Burke) What metro line carries the greatest volume but the fewest commuters? The Brown Line to Blue Plains (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) How many generals does it take to change a Pentagon light bulb? None. Colonels change light bulbs. (Alice Kale, Alexandria) What do you get when you cross Ronnie Mervis and Michael Jackson? 1-800-HIS-GLOVE (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Wow, that guy over there just let me have tickets to the zoo and the Smithsonian at half price! (Russell Beland, Springfield) The State Department has ruled that Foreign Service officers may take religious leave to attend the Big East Tournament. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) What do you get when you combine green, orange, yellow and blue? L'Enfant Plaza (Charles V. Bremer, Arlington) What's on the end of a necklace that reflects your image, indicates status and gives you immediate access? A badge. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Sally met this great guy. He hasn't asked her out yet, but he's smart, he dresses well, he's interested in all the things she is -- and best of all, he and his roommate have this great condo in Dupont Circle! (Russell Beland, Springfield) What event does the Hains Point sculpture "The Awakening" commemorate? The tragic death of little-known Reginald Mervis, buried in a central African diamond mining collapse in 1975. (James Kimble, Arlington) What are the charity baskets called in Georgetown churches? Middle-class boxes. (Mike Genz, La Plata) What do you get when you cross the beauty of former East Berlin with the excitement of downtown Detroit? Rosslyn. (Nick Dierman, Berkeley, Calif., formerly of Potomac) Stud: How do you know your date's not going to stand you up outside the restaurant the way the last girl did? Dud: Because I'm going to her apartment -- 3315 J Street Northwest. (Roy Ashley, Washington) How do you describe childish behavior exhibited by drivers at downtown traffic circles? L'Enfantile. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) What's the difference between the Mixing Bowl and a D.C. manhole cover? The manhole cover has been known to be the site of rapid acceleration. (Ben F. Noviello, Fairfax) What are the Latin translations of the words "exit" and "escalator"? "He goes out" and "He walks." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Are you going to see the new play at American University, "Arsenic and Old Lice"? (Roy Ashley, Washington) What gets less business than a barbecue joint in Kemp Mill? A mammogram clinic on P Street. (Susan Thompson, Rockville) Did you hear about the guy who refused to drive on the Dulles toll road? He was HOV-negative. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) How do you describe an actor at the Folger who's unsure of his lines? Foggy Bottom (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) How many Metrorail operators does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: One to read the instructions, one to translate the first one's reading of the instructions, and one to sit in the automatic bulb-changing machine. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) How many ombudsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: one to screw in the bulb and one to pontificate about whether it was really necessary to use the word "screw." (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) The Uncle's Pick: Which D.C. area airport do boring people use? The Dulles one. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The Uncle Explains: The writer is employing a clever pun, substituting Dulles for "dullest." Thank you, Ms. Sorensen, for a much-needed "t" hee. ====================================================================== WEEK 392, published March 11, 2001 Week LIX (392): Everyone's a Comic This week's contest: Choose any panel of any comic strip in today's Washington Post and improve it by replacing the original speech and thought balloons with your own. This ain't an art contest: Don't send us drawings. Just refer to the panel you choose (for example: Dilbert, third panel from left) and be sure to identify which character is thinking or speaking. You may also add those little rectangular boxes at the top of comic strip panels in which an omniscient narrator comments on the action, as in: Little did Dilbert know that Catbert, the evil human resources department head, had used his pillow for a litter box. . . First prize winner gets a genuine ceramic sperm bank -- that is a piggy bank in the shape of a giant sperm cell, as imagined by Walt Disney. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LIX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, March 19. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK LV (388), in which we asked for creative advertising pitches to help get rid of 50,000 units of some product. Third runner-up: Nine-volt batteries: Oogly Eyes Rectangular Man action figure! Coming Saturday mornings on UPN! (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Second runner-up: Blank cassette tapes: The Sound of Silence, for whenever you want to spend some quiet time alone or with a loved one. Recorded on both sides for convenience -- no need to rewind! Only $14.95 if you order now! (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) First runner-up: Old telephone directories: The names, addresses and phone numbers of thousands of women in your area! (Greg Arnold, Herndon) And the winner of the serving bowl made from a partially melted Julie London LP: Forks: Not sure God is hearing you? Hold your Prayer Antenna between your folded hands so that God can hear your supplications loud and clear!(Mike Genz, La Plata) Honorable Mentions: Q-tips: If you want to proceed cautiously into a weightlifting program . . . (Art Cencetti, Levittown, Pa.) Towels: Ladies, don't pass up the chance to own this cordless, environmentally friendly, whisper-quiet hair dryer! (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Kites: Blackouts! They happened in California. They could happen here. Are you prepared? (Holly Hacker, St. Louis) Buggy whips: Ever had a geezer call you a whippersnapper? Now you can just smile and show the old goat one of the very last buggy whips! He'll be speechless! (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) Balloons: With these air storage devices, you'll be sure you'll never run out! Lightweight design makes them perfect for backpacking trips! (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Paper clips: Take your place in the Guinness Book of World Records! The world's longest paper clip chain is an achievable record with minimal skill required. Note: Our last customer ordered 5,000 cases; to avoid disappointment, we suggest a minimum order of 8,000 cases. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Combs: The Philatelist's Helper Mini Drying Rack lets you safely air-dry each stamp separately after soaking it and removing it from the envelope. Only $9.95! (Mike Genz, La Plata) Oregano: It's not just a myth, kids; it's true: Smoking pot really does make you stupid! So take advantage of that fact -- bring a few baggies of Fantastic Shamarijuana to the nearest college campus or the next rock concert and make big money off those wasted potheads! (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Flypaper: Order our new Home Bikini Wax Kit now! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fishing lures: Tired of plain old metal nipple rings? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Shoehorns: Hey, coke-heads, those spoons are never big enough, huh? Get bigger and better snorts with the Horn-o-Plenty! (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) Mr. Potato Heads: Small-town police departments, do we have a deal for you! Instead of an expensive sketch artist on your payroll, get your wanted fliers out fast with this versatile yet inexpensive product! (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Potomac Falls) Toothpicks: Make sure your vote counts! Banish pregnant, dimpled and hanging chads today with the surgically crafted Chad-B-Gon Vote Assurance Tool! (Mike Genz, La Plata) Cigarettes: If the nicotine patch doesn't do the trick for you, try the revolutionary new NicoSticks! Just light up a NicoStick every time you get the craving and you'll never have to use the patch again. Just $40 for a course of 20. (Rod Ewing, York, England) Ceiling fans: Budget too tight for wallpaper? Can't afford those expensive toys for the kids? Solve both those worries at once! The amazing new room-size Twirl-a-Paint will provide hours of redecorating fun for the whole family! (John Kammer, Herndon) Super Glue: Stick to your diet with the latest in weight-loss technology! No willpower required! Just apply like lip gloss, press lips together and watch the pounds melt away! (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Defective condoms: A vacationing gardener's dream! These slo-release drippers water your plants for days! Only $8.99 for a pack of three -- available in decorator colors and a variety of sizes! (Kate Barnett, Newnan, Ga.) Tickle Me Elmo dolls: If you have unsightly and dangerous fireplace soot in your home, you need the Tickle Me Elmo chimney mop! Just skewer the giggling red Muppet on the special telescoping handle, shove him up your flue, and listen to him talk and laugh as you twist him around, scraping the crud out of your fireplace! (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) One-a-Day Vitamins: New Ten-a-Day Vitamins! Only 5,000 bottles available! (Russell Beland, Springfield) Wite-Out: Is your aluminum siding looking dull and dreary? Spruce it up and get plenty of exercise, too! (Bruse W. Alter, Fairfax Station) LP records: A pizza platter and pizza slicer in one matching, easy-to-store set! (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) Buddha statuettes: A must for the desktop of every political appointee: a tasteful scale rendering of Vice President Cheney at the beach. (Chris Hill, Santa Fe, N.M.) Old-style sanitary napkins: Modess Operandi Maxi Furnace Filters, as thick as a submarine sandwich to totally absorb the flow of dust and pollutants in your home. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Scatological jokes made obsolete by The Czar's temporary departure: Now you can enjoy 137 poop jokes a day for a whole year! (Russell Beland, Springfield) The Uncle's Pick: The Uncle Loves Me T-shirts: Into '60s memorabilia like the Who's classic "Tommy"? A must for collectors, this limited-edition T-shirt commemorates that "special" relationship between a boy and his uncle. . . . (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) The Uncle Explains: There is still a place in our hearts for those cherished old-time values, and I am honored that my prize can help remind our readers. ====================================================================== WEEK 393, published March 18, 2001 Week LX (393): Things Could Be Verse Of all the nights Bill Clinton stayed awake, That last one really took the cake. It must have been some humongous itch That made him go and pardon Rich. This week's contest: Take any story in today's Washington Post and rewrite it into a rhyming poem of no more than eight lines. Be sure to include the headline, section and page number of the story upon which your poem is based. First-prize winner gets a digital electric nose cleaner "for the picky person," which would be valued at $5.99, if it still worked. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, March 26. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK LVI (389), in which we asked for examples of overkill, to name a problem and offer an absurdly drastic solution. For those of you keeping score at home, literally hundreds of entrants submitted entries ending with the solution "Bomb Iraq." Many dozens offered solutions involving the word "pardon." Many more dozens offered solutions involving stealing White House furniture. Fourth runner-up: Problem: Young people don't appreciate America's freedoms. Solution: Force them to chant the Pledge of Allegiance every day. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Third runner-up: Problem: Can't seem to win a Loser T-Shirt. Solution: Put an infinite number of monkeys in front of an infinite number of computers with an infinite number of e-mail accounts. (Monkey No. 92835; Bill Santiff, Owings, Md.) Second runner-up: Problem: President tends to mangle words during speeches. Solution: Electrocution lessons. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) First runner-up: Problem: You're afraid the public will forget you after you're gone. Solution: Pardon Timothy McVeigh. (Mark Early, Arlington) And the winner of the first ladies coloring book: Problem: You're worn out from dealing with an obstinate toddler, a self-centered preteen and a rebellious teenager. Solution: Have another innocent baby. (Saria Brewer, Mitchellville) Honorable Mentions: Problem: Bank officials won't listen when you ask for a loan. Solution: Wear a ski mask when asking. (Martin Goff Jr., Springfield) Problem: Wife nags you about leaving dirty underwear strewn around your bedroom. Solution: Leave your dirty underwear strewn around her best friend's bedroom. (Jim W. Pond, Holliston, Mass.) Problem: Stubborn particles stuck between your teeth. Solution: Hold a woodpecker up to your mouth and let it go to town. (Clarence Johnson, Beltsville) Problem: The Baltimore Orioles and the Montreal Expos. Solution: The Montreal Orioles and the Washington Expos. (James J. Winebrake, Harrisonburg, Va.) Problem: Illiteracy. Solution: Ban books. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Problem: Baldness. Solution: Chia Pet implants. (Joe Braxton, Manassas) Problem: Not enough students signing up for English 472: Shakespearean Themes and Motifs. Solution: Call the course English 472: Lust, Greed and Stabbings. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Problem: Your husband's conduct has turned your surname into a synonym for pathological lying, debauchery and thievery. Solution: Use your maiden name, which is only synonymous with graft and influence peddling. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Problem: You want to lose weight and meet new people. Solution: Get yourself thrown into a Turkish prison. (Don Kapinos, Lorton) Problem: Unsightly paunch. Solution: Gain 300 pounds and become a sumo wrestler. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Problem: Shipwrecked. Solution: Forget about patching the hole in the boat and instead get the Professor to build a television broadcasting center to send a help message. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Problem: Button missing from shirt. Solution: Start up buttonexchange.com. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Problem: People who have more than the maximum number of items in the express line. Solution: Have them roll a boulder up a hill while birds pick at their exposed livers. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Problem: Might carry only 48 states in next election. Solution: Burglarize opponent's party headquarters. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Problem: Global warming. Solution: Nuclear winter. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Problem: Runny nose. Solution: Sniff Super Glue. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Problem: People get mad when you smoke cigars. Solution: Move to Cuba. (Martin Goff Jr., Springfield) Problem: Antiquated equipment makes it difficult to count everyone's vote quickly and correctly. Solution: Let five political appointees choose the next president. (Mark Early, Arlington) Problem: Inclement weather. Solution: Go on an expedition to the farthest reaches of the Amazon, find a butterfly flapping its wings -- and stomp on it. (Rod Ewing, York, England) Problem: You didn't vote for the new president. Solution: Move to Europe, like me. Any day now. Really, I am going. (Alec Baldwin, Hollywood; Emily Samuelson, Leesburg) Problem: You just can't get a date with anyone. Solution: Try a less popular species. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Problem: Milk carton "sell-by" date lists next day. Solution: Take first available jet to California to gain a few hours. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Problem: Face doth mock you. Solution: Cut off nose. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia; Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Problem: Menstrual cramps. Solution: Pregnancy. (Deborah Rotter, Fairfax Station; Linda Early, Washington) Problem: Kids' music is too loud. Solution: Have them turn it up until your eardrums burst. (Wei-Hwa Huang, North Potomac; Sandra Hull, Arlington) Problem: Weather forecast includes chance of hail. Solution: Strategic Hailstone Defense System. (Bruce Reynolds, Holland, Mich.) Problem: Costs and delays mount for Wilson Bridge replacement. Solution: Buy and install the Brooklyn Bridge, for less. (William McGhee, Rockville) Problem: Wet-blanket ombudsmen. Solution: Take gratuitous shots at them in print. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Problem: Too many defense lawyers. Solution: Lawyers who lose get a percentage of the sentence. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Problem: Straight hair just won't hold a curl. Solution: Bring your curling iron into the shower with you. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Problem: Construction crews making too much noise early in the morning. Solution: Nerf hammers. (Lisa Anamateros, Stephens City, Va.) The Uncle's Pick: Problem: Insecurity. Solution: Whenever anxiety strikes, loudly chant an affirmation -- like "I like me, I really like me!" -- until the fear passes. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The Uncle Explains: My word, could you imagine loudly chanting anything so ungrammatical? ====================================================================== WEEK 394, published March 25, 2001 Week LXI (394): Life in the Blurbs "The most realistic passenger's-eye view of a commercial airline disaster ever filmed -- I'll relive that 12 minutes of hell every time I hear the words 'Prepare for takeoff'!" This week's contest, inspired by Matt Grass, Chevy Chase, is to come up with a blurb used to sell a (real or imagined) book or movie that would be likely to have the opposite of the intended effect. First-prize winner gets a slightly used bathroom throw rug with "happy face" motif (bright orange with black accents, hand-stitched). Who can put a value on such an object? First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, April 2. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK LVII (390), in which we asked for (a) a caption for the picture; (b) an explanation of why it is art; and (c) the elements missing from the picture. As an added challenge, or because the Uberczar was intoxicated with power, entries containing sex or potty humor were forbidden. Which left, what? Jokes involving the word "squat," references to missing skis or a game of leapfrog. Lots of references to leapfrog. In fact, hardly any submission was completely and totally, like, unique. So if something very much resembling your idea appears below without your personal moniker appended, we are terribly, terribly sorry. In fact, we do not know if we will be able to look you in the eye again. Oh wait, we don't have to, do we? Third runner-up: As Richard Milhous Nixon boards the helicopter on Aug. 9, 1974, he receives a squatting ovation from the newest residents of the White House. (Frank Calogero, Jefferson, Ga.) Second runner-up: Remember the days when Catch the First Lady was a lawn game, not a political vendetta? (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) First runner-up: Betty hates it when Jerry tests out his "nobody's head may be higher than the president's" decree. (Marc Hirsh, Somerville, Mass.) And the winner of the official White House photo above: President Ford was such a nice husband. When Betty asked if her pantsuit made her butt look big, he actually took the time to examine the fit. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: A long, long time ago, there was a limit to how low a president and first lady would stoop . . . (Ed Mickolus, Dunn Loring) Noting the salaries that the Redskins are paying over-the-hill players, a former Big Ten star practices for a comeback. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) President Ford demonstrates his hands-off policy regarding White House interns. (Chris Ubik, Germantown) The Fords loved to play charades. Here the president is trying to guess which Utah senator the first lady is depicting. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) During a game of charades, Gerald and Betty act out part of their phrase: "Earl Butz" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Behind every good woman, there's a man too far behind to catch her if she falls. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) After telling his city to drop dead, the Fords try to make amends by extending a White House welcome to then-Mayor Abe Beame. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) "Sesame Street" tryouts: While the first lady successfully depicts the number 4, the president needs work on his F. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata; Len Boswell, Columbia) The first couple introduces Liberty to Poland. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Though Mrs. Ford looked great in a cone girdle, the undergarment never gained the popularity of the cone bra. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "See, honey? You can play football just fine without a helmet! Wonder what Lyndon was getting at?" (Bryan Fortson, Keflavik Naval Air Station, Iceland) President Ford tests his wife's effectiveness as a sundial. (Brian P. Thurber, Princeton, N.J.; Judith Cottrill, New York) In one of history's ironies, the Fords duck during a 21-gun salute after a supposedly errant shot by Pfc. "Squeegee" Fromme. His sister reportedly never forgave the president for her brother's subsequent court-martial. (John "Rooster" Cogburn, Southlake, Tex.) The first known photo of "Betty Ford, center." (Tom Smith, Fairfield, Calif.) On Jan. 21, 2001, the Fords fell to their knees in gratitude as it became clear that finally -- finally! -- people would stop whining about the Nixon pardon. (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) There should be the word "Wrong!" above the photo of the president, and "Right" over that of Mrs. Ford. Underneath should be the caption "A lesson in lifting from OSHA." (John Muehl, Springfield) If he picks up this difficult 1-7 split for a spare, President Nixon will win the White House Staff Lawn Bowling Tournament. (Ken Page, Sterling) Betty Ford leads her husband through his walking-and-chewing- gum-at-the-same-time exercises. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Where do you think the eggs for the Easter Egg Roll come from? (Paul Winner, Columbia) It's art because: The photograph deftly symbolizes the relationship of the president to the first lady: He may hold a higher position, but she is clearly leading. (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt) It must be art. It's in black and white. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Nobody is naked. (R. Giuliani, New York; Tom Gabriel, Silver Spring) The missing elements: Missing from this photo of an informal receiving line is the delegation of Oompa-Loompas. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) The middle stages of evolution. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) A football, a hand-held TV camera, Gov. Jesse Ventura and the XFL record crowd of 278 fans. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Madox. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Chris Doyle, Burke) The Lincoln Bedroom bed, which the president is holding by one end and the first lady carries on her back. (Warren Schlechte, Kerrville, Tex.) Hanging in its unadulterated state in the West Virginia Museum of Art, the picture includes "Saturday Night Live" Gerald Ford impersonator Chevy Chase. It is titled "Two Fords and a Chevy on the Front Lawn." (Jim W. Pond, Holliston, Mass.) The Uncle's Pick: It is art because it is a classic example of queue-bism. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The Uncle Explains: Who says puns can't be witty and tasteful? The fun comes from combining a style of art (overrated, in this humble observer's opinion) and the Briticism "queue up," which means to form a line in a polite and orderly manner. We have so much to learn from the English. ====================================================================== WEEK 395, published April 1, 2001 Week LXII (395): Devilishly Clever George W. Bush: In the middle of a tough campaign, W. discovers he hasn't read the small print closely enough. Turns out he's actually running for president of the American Society of Elocutionists. This week's contest is suggested by Russell Beland, Springfield, who is cheerfully ripping off a Far Side cartoon in which Satan is showing a dignified man in white tie and tails through a door saying something like "And this will be your room, maestro." Inside, the room is filled with scruffy little boys playing harmonicas and accordions. The contest is to describe someone's special little corner of Hell. First-prize winner gets a one-ounce bottle of Demeter brand Laundromat Pick-Me-Up cologne featuring, according to the label, "simple, subtle, singular scents each day, everywhere." This bottle was recently appraised at $3.95. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, April 9. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK LVIII (391), in which we asked for subheads that would give an unexpected twist to headlines on stories or ads in the March 4 Washington Post. There were many, many responses for "Burundi's Capital Is Shaken by Hutus Who Rejected Accord" suggesting they preferred Civics or Camrys. Also widely thought of: Oldest U.S. Veteran John Painter Dies: Master Painted 50,000 Latrines But by far, the most popular response was along the lines of: Powell Earns Style Points at State: Secretary Seen Wearing Idiotic T-shirt in Yemen. Fourth runner-up: Let's Enroll Our Kids in Shooting Classes: Frustrated, Michael Jordan Looks to the Future (Charlie Myers, Laurel) Third runner-up: Police Warn D.C. Judge of 'Hex': 'It's Okay,' Assures Judge, 'I Shop at Sax' (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Second runner-up: Croat Hard-Liners Seek Separation in Bosnia: Cite Career Conflicts, Deny Scientology a Factor in Split (Ben F. Noviello, Fairfax) First runner-up: Buy One, Get One Free: Latest Pardon Revelation Startles Even Die-Hard Clinton Supporters (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) And the winner of the festive Economic Report of the President coffee mug: The Buck Goes There: New Patrons Don't Know Tipping Etiquette, Exotic Dancers Complain (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) Honorable Mentions: Oprah Winfrey Presents: Frantic Parents Storm Toys R Us as Mattel's Talk Show Host Action Figure Debuts (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Fire on Prime Minister's Plane: 'Just Following Orders,' Troops Claim (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Temple Remains Too Much for GW: President Still Unwilling to Attend Mormon Service, but Insists He Is 'Ecumenable' (William E. Bradford, Washington) Temple Remains Too Much for GW: Owls' Coach Uses Cadavers in Lineup, Still Beats Colonials by 22 (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) 16 Inches of Snow Could Hit Area: Next Decade Could Total More Than a Foot of White Stuff, Forecasters Say (William E. Bradford, Washington; Joseph Romm, Washington) Hoyas Oust Orangewomen: Gender, Skin Color Still Issues in College Sports (Russell Beland, Springfield) Navy Men Advance; Virginia Women Lose: Scandal in Norfolk Could Rival Tailhook (Gary Moore, West River, Md.) Lake Braddock Sweeps Meet: Fairfax Chimney Workers Brush Up at Conference (J.J. Gertler, Arlington; Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Lake Braddock Sweeps Meet: Track Event Washed Out When Reservoir Overflows (Russell Beland, Springfield) Capitals Break Away: A Biography of e.e. cummings (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Tips That Could Save Your Lifestyle: Trojan Touts Improved Safety Reservoir (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Pay Dirt: 16 Ways to Save in Europe: American Tourists Revel as Euro Sinks to New Low: 1 Handful of U.S. Topsoil (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; Steve Fahey, Kensington; John Kammer, Herndon) And Another Thing . . . John Bobbitt Working on Christmas Wish List (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) NASA's Space Odyssey Grounded: OSHA Allowance Docked; No TV All Week for FCC (Adam D. Elfenbein, Arlington) Life Is Short: Tell Me About It (John Muehl, Springfield) Vanderbilt Shocks Tennessee: Heiress Serves Red Wine With Catfish (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Paid Death Notices: This Week's Mob Hits (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) An Excellent Source of Calcium: Nutritionists Praise 'Hannibal Lecter Diet' (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) 46 Years, No Winners. Aim Elsewhere: School for the Blind Cuts Archery, Javelin Programs (John Kammer, Herndon) Web Woos Chinese: So Are Web Wangs and Web Wongs, but Not Web Webbs or Web Wellingtons (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Business Backs Bush Tax Cut: Earth Labeled 'Spherical,' Pope 'Catholic' (Michael Knab, Rockville) $ 99 Bridal Sale: Why Waste Your Money on Expensive Mail-Order Brides? (John Kammer, Herndon) A New Way to Lose Weight: Eat What Satisfies You: As Long as You're Satisfied With 600 Calories a Day (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.) Tiger Beetle's Last Stand: Woods's Less Talented Cousin Struggles to Make Par in Camp Swampy Open (Cheryl Davis, Arlington) State Capitol Uninhabitable Due to Quake: Game-Addicted Legislators Promise to Shower Right After They 'Finish This Level' (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) What Do You Want Your Room to Say About You? Or Do You Just Want It to Shut Up? (Mike Genz, La Plata) Vow of Poverty Challenges Elderly Nuns: Archdiocese Basketball Tourney Concludes Tonight (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) NASA's Wish Upon a Star: Inexpensive Space Travel: Panel Advises Cheaper Alternative of 'Wishing Upon the Ground' (Brian Thurber, Bethesda) Solid Lead for Green in New York: Cement Shoes Not Enough for Nader & Co., Dems Insist (Michael Knab, Rockville) A Sedan, but Showing More Leg: Jennifer Lopez to Star in 'My Mother the Car' (Adam D. Elfenbein, Arlington) Bush Works the Phones: President Also Manages to Operate Light Switches, Doorbells (Michael Swanlund, Minneapolis) President's Words Belie His Tactics, Democrats Charge:Bush Denies Allegations, Pledges to Extend Olive Branch to 'Crybaby Commie Democrats' (Tom Power, Vienna, Va.) I'll Take Manhattan: Clinton Packs, Prepares to Leave N.Y. (Michael Knab, Rockville) Powell Earns Style Points at State: But Saudi Ambassador Offended by Low-Cut Blouse (Noah Meyerson, Washington) Man Found Dead in Magothy River: River Often Turns Magothy This Time of Year (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Life Is Short: So Is Time. The New Yorker Is Medium. National Geographic Is Long. The Journal of the American Medical Association Is REALLY Long. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Oldest U.S. Veteran John Painter Dies: Fake Headline Planted by Uberczar (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) The Uncle's Pick:D.C., D.C., It's a Hell of a Town: Mayor Williams Promises to Fill Potholes With Good Intentions (Jon Graft, Centreville) The Uncle Explains: The crude profanity in the original headline did not prevent the contestant from discovering Dr. Johnson's famous and useful proverb within. Notice his clever spin on the unspoken word "paved" -- and notice how he avoided using the offensive word himself! ====================================================================== WEEK 396, published April 8, 2001 Week LXIII (396): April Foals Breed GOING BOLDLY to NO EXCUSE NEEDED and name the foal RICH PARDON. Breed DEVIL'S DANDY to DRIVE and name the foal ROUTE 666. Breed ANIBAL to BIG TALKIN' MAN and name the foal ANIBAL LECTURE. Breed DANTHEDEALMAKER to CAPTAIN MARTY and name the foal STILLNOSUPERBOWL This week's contest was proposed, as it is proposed every year, by Mike "Mikey the Tout" Hammer of Herndon, who, as his nickname suggests, is a lifetime member of the New York Stock Exchange. Just kidding. He would never throw money away so irresponsibly. He does like horse racing, however. Around Kentucky Derby time, Mike supplies us with the names of all the horses qualifying for the Triple Crown races and suggests we mate any two and come up with appropriate names for their foals. Maximum 18 letters and spaces. As always, you may ignore the genders of the horses, if -- like Mike -- you happen to know them. The full list of horses appears on page 3. First-prize winner gets a Nicole Miller-designed silk tie colorfully representing all the excitement of Derby Day. It is filled with horses and trophies and roses and tickets and saddles and women in silly hats. For an expensive designer silk tie, it is truly hideous. From the Tony Kornheiser collection. Value: $50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, April 16. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The title of next week's contest was rewritten (below) by Russell Beland, Springfield, who thought up this extra little weekly competition because he just can't leave well enough alone. REPORT FROM WEEK LIX (392), in which we asked you to substitute your own wording in a panel from the March 11 comics. Second runner-up: [Kids making disgusted faces] "It's true! Diet Dr Pepper does taste the same as regular Dr Pepper!" ("Red and Rover", Kelly Hoffman, Fairfax) First runner-up: [Husband to wife] "I can't dress like this every time your mother visits. Just tell her you have live-in boyfriend and be done with it." ("Zits", Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the winner of the sperm bank: [Outside cave, bear bonks cat on head] "Alan Greenspan meets the 2001 stock market." ("Mutts", Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: [In bed, Kim] "Keep your hand to yourself!" [Mike thinks] "I never should have married a bowling ball." [because her round black-haired head is all that's visible to him] ("Doonesbury", Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Pamela Zilly, Cabin John) [Man, as something crashed to the floor] "Hmmm, I thought we got the room ABOVE the honeymoon suite." [Woman] " " ("Judge Parker", Steve Fahey, Kensington) [Tank, to TV audience] "Wow, the XFL's creator is committing hara-kiri right on the field! That should get tonight's ratings up!" ("Tank McNamara", Jennifer Hart, Arlington) [Mother, driving, thinking of the errands she has to run] [possibly child in back seat, as mother thinks] "And if something should be found . . . that one is not generally not accustomed to come across in scholarly writings, the reader must forgive my jocundity, just as I, in order to lighten the burden, sometimes sing at my work. '...Kierkegaard, The Concept of Irony'" ("The Family Circus", Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) [Mother, driving, thinking of the errands she has to run] "I'm Slim Shady, the real Slim Shady ..." ("The Family Circus, Mike Edwards, Manassas) [Mother, driving, thinking of the errands she has to run] "I sure hope WE don't get moved to the business section." ("The Family Circus", Walter Webert, Bethesda) [Father] "Look, Hillary, four aces ... is that good?" [Child] "Good going, Dad. I almost had her entire Barbie collection." ("Sally Forth", Stephen Dudzik, Olney) [Female shark, in cook's hat, as male shark starts to eat dinner] "I hope this aphrodisiac works--it's your cousin Morty's fin." ("Sherman's Lagoon", Jennifer Hart, Arlington) [Server, to customer, as chef is looking under furniture, with cleaver] "The chef is still looking, but we seem to be running low on the All You Can Eat special. Can I interest you in the Half as Much as You Can Eat special?" ("That's Life", Russell Beland, Springfield) [Server, to customer, as chef is looking under furniture, with cleaver] "The coq au vin is very fresh tonight, sir." ("That's Life", Chris Doyle, Burke) [Two boys, each wearing "I'm With Stupid" shirts] "Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson get together to discuss their post-election plans." ("Big Nate", Martin Ford, Clifton) [Woman holding hand of American Indian] "Don't worry, Iron Eyes, I promise to keep America beautiful." ("Mary Worth", Stephen Dudzik, Olney) [Boy in bed, thinking] "And when I grow up I'll publish my own magazine, and stay in my PJs all day, and sleep with lots of bunnies" ("Marvin", Russell Beland, Springfield) [Pvt. Zero, typing (h/t to Bert Klimas for the ID [Ed.]] "Dear Senator: I am concerned about the feasibility of the Strategic Defense Initiative in view of the fact that we don't have computers yet." ("Beetle Bailey", Mike Genz, La Plata) [Pvt. Zero, typing] "a s d f g h j k l ; ' z x c v b n m , . /" ("Beetle Bailey", Stephen Dudzik, Olney) [Pvt. Zero, typing] "Dear sir: Please send back the bottom half of my face." ("Beetle Bailey", James Pierce, Charlottesville) [Woman] "What's THAT?" [Man, holding what looks like John Bobbitt's penis] "I dunno, I found it on the side of the road in Manassas." ("For Better or Worse", Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) [Leader of group struggling through the desert] "Dudes, I know we got a lousy hotel for spring break, but I swear, the beach parties are probably right over the next hill." ("Prince Valiant", Jennifer Hart, Arlington) [Man thinking, while plowing behind oxen in the rain] "Note to self: Get 'Taxation Without Representation' plates for plow." ("Prince Valiant", Roy Ashley, Washington) [Baldo finding magazine on store shelf] "The last place Baldo expected to see his father's picture was on the cover of Neonecropedophilia Today." ("Baldo", Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia) [Hagar, pointing] "Hamlet, walk this way." [Hamlet] "Daaaad, please! Vaudeville won't be invented for 900 years." ("Hagar the Horrible", Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) The Uncle's Pick: [Young male yokel] "I swear to thee by Cupid's strongest bow." [Young female yokel] "Come, sit thee down upon this flow'ry bed while I kiss thy fair large ears." ("Barney Google and Snuffy Smith", Chris Doyle, Burke) The Uncle Explains: How refreshing to experience the timeless beauty of a "Midsummer Night's Dream" in this pastoral setting without the expected (in this milieu) crude play on "bottom"! April Foals: The Full List of Horse Names for The Style Invitational A LIFE IN MUSIC A P VALENTINE A. P. TOPPER ABDUCTION ACCOUNTABLY ACT OF REFORM ACTION REQUEST ACTIVATE ADIOS MY FRIEND ADVANTAGE POINT AFFAIRINTHEFOREST AGE OF EMPIRE AIRY HILL AL BARRAK AL KHAASER ALFAYIZ ALMOSTASHAR AMERICAN CENTURY AMERICAN PASTIME AMJAAD ANBAR ANIBAL APACHE WINGS ASLAAF ASSMAR ATLANTIS PRINCE AUDIX AWESOME POSSOME BACOMA BAIL OUT THE KING BAKHOOR BALLADO'S DEVIL BALLECTIC DANCER BALTO STAR BANK BANK STREET BARNABUS BASEBALL CHAMPION BAT RUNNER BAY EAGLE BECKETT BIANCO APPEAL BIG BOSS MAN BIG TALKIN MAN BIG WILL BILLS PAID BLACK MINNALOUSHE BLOW THE WORLD BLUESBREAKER BOHEMIAN GROVE BONNARD BONNIE SCOT BRACKEN COUNTY BROAD INITIATIVE BUBBA'S COLORS BUCKLE DOWN BEN BURNING ROMA BUTTERFLY BOY CALSTER CAPTAIN MARTY CARSELAND CARSON CITY LIMITS CATHODE CEE DEE CELTIC SILENCE CHAIRMAN A. P. CHAMBALUTZ CHARMING MICHAEL CHEPO STAR CHEROKEE BEAU CITY ZIP CLEAR EXCELLANCE CLUTCH PLAYER COKE'S TRIBUTE COLONIST WILLS COMIC GENIUS COMPENDIUM CONFLAGASION CONGAREE COPPER COUNTRY CORAL KEY CORPORATE SHUFFLE CORRUPTION COUNTTHREECHIMES CRAFTY C. T. CREDIT CRUNCH CYANE'S THUNDER D'WILDCAT DANTHEDEALMAKER DANZIG'S PEACE DARING BID DARING PEGASUS DASH 'N DANCE DATE MORE MINORS DAUNTING DAYTON FLYER DEELITEFUL IRVING DELICIOUS DEVIL DELIGHTFUL MOMENT DELTA WHEEL DENIED DEVIL'S DANDY DEVILS ALITO DIM SUMS DISCREET HERO DISTILLED DIVINE HAMMER DIVINE SPIRIT DOLLAR BILL DON'T QUIT ON ME DR GREENFIELD DREAM RUN DREWMAN DRIVE DRUMCLIFF DUALITY DUBAI VISION DUBAI WORLD DUBAI TO DUBAI DUPLICATE TICKET DYNAMITE CAT DYNAMIX E DUBAI EARLY FLYER ELEVEN WEST ELMO'S SONG ELVIS REPUBLIC EQUERRY EXPRESS TOUR FAITH'S WISH FAN CLUB'S MISTER FELIX PARK FIERCELY FIFTY STARS FIGHTING BULL FINDER FIRST BOOK FIRST SPEAR FLAGS AT DAWN FLEETSTREET DANCER FLYING HERO FREE THOUGHTS FREUD FRIDAY'S A COMIN' FROLICUS FULL SCALE FULL OF WONDER FUN MAKER FUN AND SUN GALILEO GENERAL TIBBETS GIFT OF THE EAGLE GLENS GAMBLER GLITTER'S ALONE GLOBAL GAIT GLORIOSO GO UNDERGROUND GOAL LINE GOING BOLDLY GOLD TRADER GOLDEN TICKET GOLDEN VICTORY GOTHAM CITY GREAT BLOOM GREEK STAR GRIFFINITE GRIFTER GULCH KING HADRIAN'S WALL HALO'S STRIDE HANS ANDERSON HARMONY LODGE HAWKEYE HELLCAT PILOT HEMINGWAY HERO'S TRIBUTE HIGH CASCADE HIGH COMMISSIONER HISTORICAL MARKER HOLIDAY THUNDER HOMEM RA HOOVERGETTHEKEYS HORRIBLE EVENING HOT RIFF I LOVE SILVER IDEAL CUT IMPRESSIONIST INCA MAJESTY INDY LEAD INDYGO SHINER INSCRUTABLE INVISIBLE INK IPSYPIPSY IRISH LURE ISHIGURU ISLEEMAILYOU IT'S SO SIMPLE IZZY BIGGS JACK TO A KING JACKPOT JAMAICAN RUM JENDALAWI JOE'S SON JOEY JUST ALLEN KANANASKIS KAZOO KEATS KEEPIN IT REAL KENTUCKY SQUALL KINETICS BOY KING CHARLEMAGNE KING SNAKE KING'S COUNTY KRIS HAVINGFUNNOW LA LA'S PASSION LAJEEF LASERSPORT LE GRANDE DANSEUR LEARING AT KATHY LETHAL AGENDA LOADED BRUSH LOIS'S LEGACY LOV IN EXCESS LUCAYAN CHIEF LUCKY SCARAB MACHO UNO MAJESTIC SEA MARCIANO MARHOOB MARK OF ROYALTY MAROON CREEK MASTER PLANNER MATTA MAX'S FRIEND ME AND THEE MEDIA MOGUL MEDITERRANEAN MEETYOUATHEBRIG MERCENARY MILAN MILITARY TUNE MILLENNIUM WIND MINARDI MISTER APPROVAL MOISUISATOI MONARCHOS MONGOOSE MOZART MR NOTEBOOK MR. DILLON MR. JOHN MT. BLAKE MT. VIDMORE MUCH TOO TOUGH MUSKRAT RAMBLE MY TWO SONS NASHVILLE CAT NAWAR NELSON STREET NEW PROGRAM NINER'S ECHO NO EXCUSE NEEDED NORTHEND NORTHERN POLE NORWAY NOVERRE OFF CAMPUS OLD KENTUCKY HOME OMMADON ON SABBATICAL ONE FOR NICK ONE SPECIAL JUDGE ORIENTATE OUR LIL AFFAIR OUR SHINING HOUR OUTOFTHEBOX PAGING PALADIUM PLAYER PALMEIRO PAPA M AND M PARENTS' REWARD PARTY TOWN PEBBLE ISLAND PERCY HOPE PERIGEE MOON PERSONABLE PETE PETE SHURE PETROV PHONE RULER PICCOLO PLAYER PIRATE OF PENZANCE PLATINUM TIARA PLEASANT GAMBOL PLEASANTLY PERFECT POINT GIVEN PRIVATE SON PROCREATE PROJECT HOPE PROMISED PROSPECT PROSPECTOR'S GIFT PROUD MAN PROUD TOWER PURE PRIZE PYRUS QAWAQEB QUICK RIB QUINARY QUITE CARELESS RACE ON GREEN RAHY'S SECRET RAVEN KING RECREATION RED ANTICS RED BOX RED JARED RED'S HONOR RING IT UP RIVER GOD ROCK SLIDE ROCKY FALLS ROMANCEISHOPE ROMANTIC BULL ROMOLO'S FRITZI ROUGH HOUSE RUDE CAT RUNNING BRUSH RUSSIAN MYSTERY SAINT DAMIEN SAINT IZZY SAINT VERRE SAINTS AND ANGELS SAM LORD'S CASTLE SAN PEDRO SATURDAY IN MAY SAVED BY THE SWORD SCORPION SEA TO SEE SECRET PRO SEEKING DAYLIGHT SELSAAL SENATOR RUBY SHAKE THE DICE SHE'S A DEVIL DUE SHIFT RIGHT SHIP SHAPE SHORE BREEZE SIGNORE PASQUALE SILVER SPEAR SILVERTONGUE FOX SIR ROCK SIZZLING SKY HUNTER SKY OF GOLD SLEWSTON SLIGO BAY SMOOTH WOOD SNAKE MOUNTAIN SO URGENT SOLITARY VISION SONGANDAPRAYER SOUND AFFECTS SPECIAL SAINT SPECTACULAR CAT SPEIGHTSTOWN SQUIRTLE SQUIRT STABLE SECRET STANDING APPLAUSE STANLEY B STARTAC STEAMBOAT STEINERS BABY GIRL STORM BRUSH STORM CRAFT STREET CRY STREET PLAYER STRIKE IT SMART SWEET RICKY SWING LORD SZEP TALK IS MONEY TEE CAT TESIO TEXAS SCRAMBLE THE GOO THERE'S ZEALOUS THESIS THIS FLEET IS DUE THRILLION THUNDER BLITZ THUNDER BULL TIGER TRAP TIME TO JET TONY'S LOC TOPDOWN TOUCH TONE TRAILTHEFOX TRIBUTE TOTHE FARM TRU BULL TURNBERRY ISLE TURNER'S HALL ULTRAVASE UNBRIDLED MAN UNBRIDLED TIME UNBRIDLED VISION UNCOMMON [ UNNAMED-1] UNPRECEDENTED UNREAL PARTY UNTIL SUNDOWN UNUS MARTAN VERDI VICECHAIRMEN VICTORY ROAR VINNIE ROE VOLPONI VOODOO VROOM VROOM WAASED WARLEIGH WATCHING WEST ORDER WESTON FIELD WHAT'S YOUR WISH WHEAT PENNY WICKED WILL WILD HITS WILD SUMMER WILD YEARS WINDOW B WINDSOR CASTLE WIRES WITHOUT PRETENSE WORTH SPRINGS WOW YIFLAN YOU KNOW WHO ZARPA ====================================================================== WEEK 397, published April 15, 2001 Week LXIV (397): Sins of Omission THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE, Springfield Mall: THE MEN WE USE, one of the major competitors of Gigolos 'R Us. PROSPERITY BANK & TRUST, Burke: Y BANK & TRUST, a savings and loan for the existential crowd. TARGET, Burke: ARG, "Are you frustrated by the typical drugstore /department store /discount store /mega-store shopping experience?" This week's contest was suggested by Peter Braxton, Burke, who has way too much time on his hands. Driving around town he noticed a surprising number of electric signs with burned-out letters and figured there had to be a way to turn that observation into Style Invitational points. Here's how: Omit a letter or letters from a real-life sign to create a name for a new business, comically different from the original. Describe the new business or include a slogan that explains it. Include the location of the actual sign. First-prize winner gets "The Royal Baby," a 1983 paper doll cutout book featuring Prince William, of the House of Windsor, as a chubby little toddler in HRH monogrammed diapers. Face value, $4.95. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXIV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, April 23. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK LX (393), in which we asked for rhyming poems based on articles in the March 18 Post. Third runner-up: 'CIA Declassifies Its Records on Dealing With Nazis'(apologies to Dr. Seuss) The CIA did not like Reds. They did not like them 'neath their beds. They needed someone who could spy. They went and got a Nazi guy. The Nazi guy's back in the news. Did he do bad things to the Jews? The CIA tried not to tell. Do you detect a funny smell? (Rod Ewing, York, England) Second runner-up: 'Below the Beltway' Fannabis, cannabis Col'mnist Weingarten Interviews folks who would Legalize grass. Gene is reviving his College persona: the Reefer-maniacal "Head" of the class. (Chris Doyle, Burke) First runner-up: 'Bush Set to Curb ABA's Role in Court Appointments' The feeling's blue at the ABA To think they've had their final say On who are the lawyers who get the nod To sit on benches and play God. The word's gone out from Dubya's men: "Get lost! You'll never Bork again." (Bill Willcox, Washington) And the winner of the electric nose cleaner: 'Women Are Still Scarce in Top Media, Telecom Jobs' You'll do fine if you're perky and have a nice rear With Meg Ryan-ish hair you can toss. They'll love you in front of the camera, dear. Just don't ever try to be boss. (Lindsay and Geoff Shafer, Stahlstown, Pa.) Honorable Mentions: 'Illegal Residents Exceed Estimate' We lost a load of Russians, forgot some Thais and Greeks, We missed a million Catholics, plus Protestants and Sikhs. We skipped a few from Salvador, Morocco and Iraq, We put ten tons of Shiites in a five-ton sack. (Tina Conner, Washington) 'Biotech Grain Is in 430 Million Bushels of Corn, Firm Says' (apologies to Wordsworth) I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high like pois'nous mists, When all at once I saw a crowd, A host of crop geneticists. Muttering and spluttering, all forlorn, They'd screwd up big with StarLink corn. (Rod Ewing, York, England) 'Brown University Newspaper Reprinted Over Student Protest' Bigotry's painful, That I can tell you, But I'd rather read hate ads Than confront ACLU. (Kelli Midgely-Biggs, Columbia) 'A Loophole Lesson in "Soft Money" ' McCain calls for a soft-money ban Colleagues, though, oppose the plan: "The right to donate needs protection! (Like my right to reelection.") David Andrukonis (Arlington) 'Putin's Rocket Challenge' (to the tune of "Puttin' On the Ritz") S-300 rockets make A power struggle missile stake Where NATO sits: Putin's on the blitz! (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) An essay in Outlook on noisy libraries: Our library once was a haven of quiet. We went there to study. Now, don't even try it. It's gotten so crowded, so raucous and noisy, The din can be heard in Secaucus, New Joisey. In the midst of the shelves, with their tomes and romances, The neighborhood elves hold their picnics and dances. Well, our heads are not bloody -- they're not even bowed. We just ask everybody: Please don't be so loud. (William Bradford, Washington) On Catholic University's national basketball title: Catholic U gives all little schools hope. They're winners -- did more than just cope. And when the "sixth man" Gives the help that he can, Watch out for that dunking Air Pope. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 'Kilimanjaro, Gasp by Gasp' Much to a mountaineer's sorrow, There's a crowd atop Kilimanjaro. Forget about "lonely," It's standing room only. Perhaps there'll be seating tomorrow. (Chris Doyle, Burke) An article about a hospital's plans to check prescriptions by computer: Enter the symptoms: clogged nose, shaky feet, Computer advises, the doctor will treat You're no longer "fatal," you're "Ctrl-Alt-Del" (Russell Beland, Springfield) Editorial about Rep. Robert Barr threatening Metro (apologies to Tennyson) Budget meddling from afar, Congress to us the bird will flip. Metro will cross the big Bob Barr If no stop's named for Gip. We want no announcing Nancy's mate Whilst disembarking from the car. We'll sing hosannas to the Peachtree State When they have tossed Bob Barr. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) 'The Trouble With ADHD' When Timmy first could not sit still We thought we'd fix him with a pill. "But times have changed," the doctor said, And prescribed a smack upside the head. (Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia) The horoscope for Taurus Devote time to your "special one" At home or a resort. Just take good notes in case one day You haul him into court. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) 'Checking Out Kohl's' Tried that new store in your 'hood? Come next Christmas, if you're good: Your pantyhose all full of holes? You'll find stockings in your Kohl's. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Tony Kornheiser on his stock market woes: He wrote the article just to be funny, He wasn't advising us how to make money. But if you read closely, you'll be a bit wiser: Just do the opposite of Tony Kornheiser. (Richard Pratt, Arlington) The Uncle's Pick: 'Run of Spring Injuries Hits the Red Sox Hard' The blooming vernal equinox Oh, how it mox the poor Red Sox. For them, spring is a paradox. They've lost six jox to varied pox, Their injuries have cleaned their clox, And now they stink like week-old lox. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Uncle Explains: I just loved how the writer changed the spellings of "-ocks" words to "-ox" to match "Sox." It might make some unfortunate readers forget, for a moment, their plummeting stox! ====================================================================== WEEK 398, published April 22, 2001 Week LXV (398): Animal Magnetism She can roll sushi pudding on the model and make her instant art. Alas, she leeks. The answered prayer? The Colon Belt System! Bush sensation: play green, strike China, say doh, like Homer. NESTLE DOG INSTANT COLON STICKY ALAS ALIAS THE ANSWERED PRAYER DOH AN BIG WIZARD PLANET ROLL HE DOODLE PULCHRITUDE FESTER MODEL SACK POULTICE LEEKS SHE SAY MONSTER SLAMMING SINISTER DIE MAKE NIGHTIE HAND FAHRVERGNUGEN CUTICLE CUCUMBER GENUFLECT LATHER SPORE SOFT STRIKE CLOWNS RUN BASELESS STARS SYSTEM MAGIC AGITATE COG RECOUNT CHINA GREEN BUSH PLAY TREE AND IF EAT BLAND PRINCESS WEEP IN BLACK PUDDING SETTLE SPAN IS SENSATION HOT HOMER INCESSANT POUND STYLE SPIN EVERY SUSHI ONE ON IT ENDING HEAVY ASTEROID BELT CAN NOT IMITATE ART STOP I EXACTLY LIKE INFINITY REPEAT This week's contest will test the ability to make great literature and/or a significant expression of the human condition out of randomly selected words, of the kind that appear on some of your more pretentious refrigerator doors. Use whatever punctuation you chose and any of the words that appear above -- but only those words, and use them only once -- to create a memorable poem or pensée. First-prize winner gets a blow-up version of that charming advertising character of yore, the California Raisin. It has no value whatsoever. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, April 30. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest is by Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa. He gets a T-shirt. REPORT FROM WEEK LXI (394), in which we asked for a blurb recommending a book or movie that would actually discourage people from reading or seeing it. Fourth runner-up: Finally, a sensible diet plan based upon eating less and exercising more! (Niels Hoven, Campertown, Australia) Third runner-up: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon": Now in both Cantonese and Mandarin Surround Sound! (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Second runner-up: Coming in 2002: "Oh! Calcutta: The Movie" -- with the original 1960s Broadway cast! (Ben F. Noviello, Fairfax) First runner-up: "Curing Kleptomania" was just what I needed -- I couldn't put it down! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the winner of the happy-face throw rug:This movie is for everyone who knows in his heart that it's time to forgive the Nazis. (Christina Mach, Kirkland, Wash.) Honorable Mentions: This film is so authentic that it'll transport you right back into middle school! (Mike Genz, La Plata) If eyes are truly the windows to the soul, then this collection of photos of Jennifer Lopez's lovely face are the most compelling portraits of this singer-actress to be published. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Start reading this thriller on the Metro and you'll soon find a crowd of other riders breathing down your neck, following along! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) To most, Ben Stein is not only humorless, he's uninteresting. But if you listen carefully between the lines of this illuminating three-hour monologue, you may find him uniquely witty. In an ironic way. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Harry Potter and the Ecstasy Potion": It's Year 5 at Hogwarts, and Harry, Hermione and Ron are surprised to discover some mysterious new urges! Buy it for the little wizard on your Christmas list! (John Muehl, Springfield) "Hamlet," thy name is Pauly Shore! (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) "Patently Absurd" -- Follow the exploits of five first-year patent lawyers as they file legal briefs for clients who invent or discover new and useful processes, machines, manufactures, or compositions of matter, or any new and useful improvement thereof. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Enjoy the exotic flavors of fungi while minimizing the chances of becoming one of the 16,000 people who die each year from incorrect identifications, or the thousands more who go blind or suffer permanent impotence! (Arthur Litoff, Dillsburg, Pa.) Another brilliant biography from the greatest ghostwriter of our time! (Ben Aronin, White Plains, N.Y.) You'll be riveted by the central issue of "The Shipping News": whether a fat, dull 37-year-old can find happiness by moving to Newfoundland. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Learn some great golfing tips from Eldrick Woods. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) "The Sixth Sense" has the greatest surprise in modern film history: when you realize that Bruce Willis is actually dead! (Cathy Fischman and Nivedita Ghosh, Morris Plains, N.J.) "The Bonfire of the Vanities": See Tom Hanks as a thoroughly dislikable nouveau riche yuppie scum! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) This intelligent docudrama on the Clinton presidency focuses on policy and does not cheapen itself with tawdry references to the president's personal life. (Philip Winnick, Bethesda) Hey, you "gnarly" teeny-boppers out there, do you want to "moon walk" with the cool kids? Hip-hip-hooray for this super-groovy book, "How to Be Hip"! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Gilbert Gottfried and Sally Field have never heated up the screen like this! (Noah Meyerson, Washington) "Listening to Pikachu" provides a unique and fascinating view of the Pokemon phenomenon. Here's your opportunity to sit in as a dozen 8-year-old boys discuss these darling animated creatures. (David Sherman, Arlington) This book has the clearest explanation of Section 5, Subsection ii, Form 10W40 of the U.S. Tax Code ever found in a murder mystery! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "Tora! Tora! Tora!" See this dramatization of Chapter 10 of the textbook "America in the Twentieth Century," 4th ed. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) "The best work from Lewinsky in several years." (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) "I of the Storm": One narcissist's long and painful journey back to mental health. From Vanity Press. (Chris Doyle, Burke) This is the book to have if you're stranded on an island like Tom Hanks -- because it's even more fun than knocking out your rotted tooth with the blade of an ice skate. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) If you get nostalgic for biscuits in lumpy cream gravy, corn bread cooked in bacon grease, and green beans cooked for four hours with a hunk of lard, then you'll want to pass the Southern Hearts Cookbook down to your children and grandchildren! (Judith E. Cottrill, New York) Follow this step-by-step, 72-day plan and rid yourself of hemorrhoids forever! (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) "Memento": This like is film entire the. (Andy Lees, Minneapolis) The Uncle's Pick: First-prize winner receives a framed 11-by-17 photo of the late Victor Borge caught picking his nose backstage. (Bob Leitelt, Ludington, Mich.) The Uncle Explains: Indeed, perhaps this writer is letting certain people know that some of the prizes in this very contest are, shall we say, not much of an incentive? ====================================================================== WEEK 399, published April 29, 2001 Week LXVI (399): IT PAYS TO BE GENDEROUS "Gladiator": A remarkably sensitive Roman soldier carries on a lingering romance in his imagination with his beautiful late wife. In the end, at great expense, he arranges an intimate reunion with her in Elysium. "Mary Poppins": Stern, no-nonsense au pair moves in with family to take care of kids, but you get the sense she'd "put out" if a couple bottles of Guinness and a few extra tuppence were involved. Crazed rooftop scene shows her dancing and getting down-n-dirty with about a dozen working-class chimney sweeps. When she talks, close your eyes and you'd SWEAR she was Elizabeth Hurley. WOOF! This week's contest is an exercise in the art of persuasion suggested by Chris Hanson, Washington. Most of us have been drawn into the perennial conflict between man and woman over which movie to see -- the chick flick or the guy flick. The idea for this contest is to write a short film description that could persuade a woman that the guy movie in question is really close to being a gal movie, or vice versa. First-prize winner gets a promotional CD for the album "Freedom's Light," containing three of the album's songs "on family, patriotic and volunteerism themes" written by Sen. Orrin G. Hatch. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXVI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, May 7. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest (horse names) is by Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, who wins a T-shirt. REPORT FROM WEEK LXII (395), in which we asked for descriptions of specific Hells for particular people. It turns out that we offered this contest many years ago, back in 1994 when, instead of e-mail, most of the entries arrived by ox cart. But amazingly, almost no one stooped to enter the very same entries as last time. Almost. Fourth runner-up: Jesse Jackson's Hell: He must be a cameraman at everyone else's press conference. (Joe Morse, Charlottesville) Third runner-up: Charlton Heston's Hell: He is thrilled to be appointed Keeper of the Armory, until he learns he will spend eternity beating guns into plowshares. (Courtney Knauth, Washington) Second runner-up: A sardine's Hell: A seat in coach. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) First runner-up:Jennifer Lopez's Hell: "Here's your chador." (Stu Solomon, Springfield; Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) And the winner of the Laundromat Pick-Me-Up Cologne: Dante's Hell: He must forever teach "The Divine Comedy" to a class of high school freshmen, each of whom will ask him repeatedly, "What's so funny about it"? (Andy Lees, Minneapolis) Honorable Mentions: Andy Rooney's Hell: He is given a room in which the temperature is perfect, the furnishings tasteful, the view exquisite and the room service superb: There is absolutely nothing to complain about. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Tom Clancy's Hell: A screening room that shows all his movies reshot with Woody Allen as the hero. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Jacques Cousteau's Hell: He is allowed to swim underwater forever, but only at the Blue Plains Treatment Plant. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Dan Snyder's Hell: He must spend eternity as owner-operator of D.C.'s old Griffith Stadium, where it cost 60 cents for a bleachers ticket and a dime for a hot dog. (Bill Moulden, Frederick) Jeff Gordon's Hell: He is given a new Ferrari Testarossa to drive, but his only corporate sponsors are Cruex, Tampax, Anusol, Beano and Depends. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Marty Feldman's Hell: His ophthalmologist is Luis Bunuel. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Miss Manners's Hell: They don't even chill the salad plates! (Russell Beland, Springfield) Satan's Hell: His abode is forgotten as Disney opens the Eternal Flames theme park down the road. (Ben Aronin, White Plains, N.Y.) Albert Einstein's Hell: He learns that his seat in Paradise is across from God at the craps table. (John Muehl, Springfield) A Red Sox fan's Hell: Why bother? (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) Virginia state Sen. Warren Barry's Hell: He is pledging allegiance shoulder to shoulder with thousands of high school students -- in Havana. (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) Ally McBeal's Hell: Every time she loses a pound, her hemline goes down one inch. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Hell for Sarge of "Beetle Bailey": He is traded to "Zippy the Pinhead." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Hell for The Czar of The Style Invitational: He is compelled for eternity to submit droll, ironic juxtapositions to his own contest, which is now judged by The Aunt, who is The Uncle's slightly stodgier wife. (Tonya Miles, Silver Spring) Pat Buchanan's Hell: He is in a never-ending line at the DMV. Another window opens. The cashier beckons. Above the window it says: "Espan ol solamente." (Chris Doyle, Burke) John Bobbitt's Hell: He has remarried Lorena and just noticed that inside his wedding band is the inscription "Measure once, cut twice." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Martha Stewart's Hell: She becomes violently allergic to garden-fresh rosemary and chopped-dill seasoning in a delightful vinaigrette. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Sam Donaldson's Hell: He is assigned to an investigative piece on wind tunnels. (Chris Doyle, Burke; Jean Sorensen, Herndon) John Gielgud's Hell: He must endure daily elocution lessons from a rotating team of Gilbert Gottfried, Fran Drescher and Elmo. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) John Ashcroft's Hell: He learns that he is a direct descendant of Thomas Jefferson. But not of Mrs. Jefferson. (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) Dolly Parton's Hell: She spends eternity pushing two boulders uphill. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) John Q. Public's Hell: He is forced to spend Sunday mornings reading pathetic attempts at humor written by no-life dorks. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Julia Child's Hell: She is named head chef at a three-star restaurant, but she may use only Rookie Cookie recipes from the Mini Page. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) The Uncle's Hell: Buried alive, he can choose any one tool for his escape. He selects what he believes to be a very sharp pick, unaware that it is dull and pointless. (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) The Uncle Explains: Oh, don't you hate it when that happens! ====================================================================== WEEK 400, published May 6, 2001 Week LXVII (400): Life Is Snort The barn's on fire. The BARN is on fire. The barn is on FIRE. The barn IS on fire. I SAID, the barn is on fire. It's burning to the ground. Cows screaming. The horses going nuts. Chickens running around like their heads have been cut off. Smoke. Flames. Death. Destruction. THE BARN IS ON FIRE ALREADY. Look, what part of "woof woof" don't you understand? -- Lassie, Universal Studios, Hollywood, Calif. Marriage is a sacred institution. Yadda yadda yadda. I don't think people understand how hard it is to live up to a fairy tale. The pressure alone can wilt you. You tell me: Whose kiss is really all that magical? Ever after turns out to be a whole lot longer than it sounds. And then there's that handsome-prince part. Don't get me started. -- Chuck Windsor, London Well, maybe just one more. -- Robert Downey Jr., Culver City, Calif. This week's contest is based on the "Life Is Short" feature that appears weekly in the Sunday Style section. "Life Is Short" challenges readers to give insight into their lives in under 100 words -- to write an autobiographical haiku of sorts. Understanding our neighbors is all fine and good, but we felt "Life Is Short" could benefit from a little more Star Power. With that in mind, write a "Life Is Short" entry -- in under 100 words with all that good insight junk -- only doing it in the voice of a celebrity, living or dead, as in the above examples. First-prize winner gets a clown-face ice cream scooper that sings "Happy Birthday" as you scoop. Says here this is an $11.95 value marked down to $ 2.79. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXVII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, May 14. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest (signs with missing letters) is by Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa., who wins a T-shirt. REPORT FROM WEEK LXIII (396), in which we asked readers to "breed" any two horses on a list of Triple Crown qualifiers and name the offspring. As usual, this annual contest drew thousands and thousands of entries from suddenly crazed readers. Perennial overfiler Mary Lee Fox Roe of Mount Kisco, N.Y., was relatively restrained this year, with her fax of 135 names far outdone by the 422 sent via a diarrheic torrent of e-mailings by Russell Beland of Springfield. Some of this year's horse names invited jokes so obvious that we don't have to bother printing them. Wicked Will! Our Lil Affair! Procreate! Squirtle Squirt! You think we got a few Monica, Jesse and Viagra jokes out of those? But we also got a lot of entries we thought were marvelously original -- a horse named Dubai Dubai Do; an enema joke on This Fleet Is Due -- until a dozen identical ones followed. So if your favorite entry isn't listed below, it was probably just so good that the rest of the world agreed with you. Or maybe it just stank. But because so many entries didn't stink, we're going to -- just this once -- share 159 more of the best with you on the Style Invitational Web page at www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/style/ Sixth runner-up: Mozart x Freud = Pianist Envy (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.) Fifth runner-up: Impressionist x Rude Cat = Clawed Monet (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Fourth runner-up: My Two Sons x Al Barrak = Boyz N Ehud (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley) Third runner-up: King Charlemagne x Baseball Champion = Holy Roman Umpire (Russell Beland, Springfield; Harold Mantle, Darnestown) Second runner-up:Mark of Royalty x Butterfly Boy = PrinceCharles'Ears (Sarah Welbourne, Alexandria) First runner-up:Burning Roma x Saints and Angels = Torched ByAn Angel (David McEwan, Ellicott City) And the winner of the garish Kentucky Derby tie: IsleEMailYou x Ideal Cut = You've Got Mohel (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Honorable Mentions: A Life in Music x Phone Ruler = Yo-Yo Ma Bell (Chris Doyle, Burke) Matta x Rocky Falls = Watsamatta U (Randall Kunkel, Dale City) Victory Roar x Denied = Professor Gore (Catherine Messina, Alexandria) Pure Prize x Military Tune = Taps Blue Ribbon (Jason C. Vogel, Syracuse, N.Y.) King Snake x Perigee Moon = The Full Monty (Katie Mulligan, Annapolis) Unreal Party x Lethal Agenda = MyDinnerW/Hannibal (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Keats x Assmar = Truth Is Booty (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Beckett x Procreate = Mating for Godot (Rod Ewing, York, England) Beckett x Quick Rib = Waiting for To-Go (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) Beckett x So Urgent = Godot Can't Wait (Russell Beland, Springfield) Texas Scramble x The Goo = OmeletFromDenny's (Elizabeth Sharp, Spotsylvania, Va.) Solitary Vision x Greek Star = Cyclops (Russell Beland, Springfield) Impressionist x Horrible Evening = Sorry Sorry Night (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) Impressionist x Invisible Ink = Where'd He Gogh (Judith Cottrill, New York) DanTheDealmaker x Free Thoughts = $20 Per Thought (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Lois's Legacy x Delightful Moment = Clark Kent Jr. (Matt Christianson, Washington) Comic Genius x West Order = Go West Youngman (Chris Doyle, Burke) Date More Minors x Glen's Gambler = 15'll Get You 20 (Randall Kunkel, Dale City) Dim Sums x Dynamite Cat = Tonight's Entree (E. Owens, Washington) Crafty C.T. x It's So Simple = Just Copy Scalia (Mike Geary, Arlington) Elmo's Song x Distilled = Pickle Me Elmo (Rod Ewing, York, England) Irish Lure x Great Bloom = Yes I Will Yes (Eve Tushnet, New Haven, Conn.) Jamaican Rum x Dr Greenfield = Bacardiologist (Chris Doyle, Burke) Quite Careless x Palmiero = E3(Chris Kaufman, Glenn Dale) Shake the Dice x Denied = Sorry but No Dice (Russell Beland, Springfield) Freud x Going Boldly = Cigar Trek (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Private Son x Wheat Penny = Lower GI Ceres (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Mercenary x Celtic Silence = This Gun for Eire (Chris Doyle, Burke) Mozart x Credit Crunch = Mortgage of Figaro (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mozart x Saint Damien = SymphonyForTheDevil (Heather Dugan, New Castle, Pa.) Tony's Loc x Project Hope = Tony's Comb-Over (Frank Hobbs, Springfield) Quwaqeb x Szep = Hell if I Know (Sid Perkins, Alexandria) Tru Bull x Norway = Fjord Taurus (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley; Tom Nessinger, Silver Spring) AffairInTheForest x My Two Sons = Next Time on Jerry (Matt Christianson, Washington) Al Khaaser x Selsaal = Al Khaselser (Leo Scanlon, Montgomery Village) Assmar x Saved by the Sword = Edward II (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) Unreal Party x Race on Green = Ralph's Nadir (Brooke Rector, Greenbelt) Verdi x Drive = Anagram (Russell Beland, Springfield) Wicked Will x You Know Who = Lord Voldemort (Samantha Tempchin, Rockville) You Know Who x Palmeiro = Who's on First (Mike Hammer, Arlington) The Uncle's Pick: Our Little Affair x Unprecedented = Impeachment (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Uncle Explains: A clever play on words. It was indeed unprecedented that because of Bill Clinton's affair, the nation was almost . . . unpresidented. The Also-Rans Abduction x Early Flyer = Wright and Wrong (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Act of Reform x Airy Hill = Still in Committee (Glenn VanDerWoude, Silver Spring) Action Request x Bank = Dontholdyourbreath (John Kammer, Herndon) Action Request x Broad Initiative = NOW Dammit (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Action Request x Pure Prize = Gimme a $@#! Shirt (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Adios My Friend x Coke's Tribute = Parting Blow (Susan Krys, Bethesda) Adios My Friend x Dubai World = Dubai Cruel World (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.; Leo Scanlon, Montgomery Village; Russell Beland, Springfield) Adios My Friend x Lethal Agenda = Hastalavista Baby (Russell Beland, Springfield) Adios My Friend x Raven King = Bye Bye Birdie (Jim Bradshaw, North Beach, Md.) Affairintheforest x Awesome Possome = Muscrat Love (Debbie Holbach, Warrenton, Va.) Affairintheforest x Orientate = Affairinthefareast (Chris Doyle, Burke) A Life in Music x Coke's Tribute = Teach World t'Sing (Russell Beland, Springfield) A Life in Music x First Book = Genesis (Ed VanderPloeg, Fairfax) Assmar x Baseball Champion x Assmar = Adam Clymer (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Bank x Solitary Vision = Savings and Lone (Chris Doyle, Burke) Bank x La La's Passion = Moola La (Chris Doyle, Burke) Bank x Wow = Like, Save (Tom Gabriel, Silver Spring) Barnabus x Frolicus = Rollus in Hayicus (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.) Baseball Champion x Coke's Tribute = The Last Straw (Jason C. Vogel, Syracuse, N.Y.) Beckett x So Urgent = Waiting for Bidet (University of Md. music grad students) Big Will x Broad Initiative = Anna Nicole Smith (Simon Wegner, Garrett Park) Blow the World x Fun and Sun = Spring Break (Eric Riback, Charlottesville) Blow the World x It's So Simple = Put Lips Together (Russell Beland, Springfield) Blow the World x Jackpot = FatNakedGayGuy (Mark LaBarre, Rockville) Celtic Silence x Our Little Affair = Sheepish (Debbie Holbach, Warrenton, Va.) Celtic Silence x Coke's Tribute = The Late Len Bias (Russell Beland, Springfield) Chairman A.P. x Smooth Wood = ChairmanoftheBoard (Lorri Mechem, Arlington) Clear Excellance x Orientate = Quayle-W Ticket (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) Clutch Player x Much Too Rough = AAMCO (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Coke's Tribute x Denied = Out of Snorts (Russell Beland, Springfield) Coke's Tribute x Go Underground = Black Lung (Russell Beland, Springfield) Coke's Tribute x One Special Judge = Long Dong Silver (Roy Ashley, Washington) Coke's Tribute x Bank = Snow Bank (Russell Beland, Springfield) Comic Genius x Chepo Star = Jack Benny (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Comic Genius x Denied = My Entries (Simon Wegner, Garrett Park) Comic Genius x Lethal Agenda = Speedballs (Russell Beland, Springfield) Comic Genius x Mr. John = Phil John (Phil John, Arlington) Credit Crunch x Cathode = Cath Filed Ch. 7 (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) Credit Crunch x Hellcat Pilot = Wargoodforeconomy (John Burton, Herndon) Danthedealmaker x Charming Michael = QB Jordan (Steve Fahey, Kensington; John Woodward, Bethesda) Danthedealmaker x Duality = DrJerkoAndMrSnyde (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Danthedealmaker x Mercenary = Skins for Sale (James Pierce, Charlottesville) Daring Pegasus x Going Boldly = Look Out Below (Stu Solomon, Springfield; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Daring Pegasus x Hawkeye = Alda Pretty Horses (Tom Nessinger, Silver Spring) Date More Minors x Charming Michael = Jackson's Five (Jason C. Vogel, Syracuse, N.Y.) Date More Minors x Elvis Republic = Jailhouse Bait (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Date More Minors x Joe's Son Joey = Whattabuttafuoco (Anthony Yeznach, Clackamas, Ore.) Devil's Dandy x Big Talkin' Man = Dead Man Talkin' (Carol Ostrow, Laurel) Devil's Dandy x Ring It Up = Hell's Bells (John Drummond, Alexandria; Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.) Dim Sums x Butterfly Boy = Fuzzy Moth (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Dim Sums x Hawkeye = IRS Audit (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Divine Spirit x Friday's A Comin' = TGIF (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Don't Quit on Me x Wires = Gray Davis (Anita Ford, Ft. Meade) Dynamite Cat x Saved by the Sword = No More Kittens (Paul Rhoads, Frederick) E Dubai x Selsaal = eBai (David H. Balaban, Charlottesville) Early Flyer x The Goo = Ickarus (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Elmo's Song x Parents' Reward = Migraine (Clay Daetwyler-Parks, Takoma Park) Elmo's Song x Scorpion = Dead Elmo (Michele Schottenbauer, Washington) Elvis Republic x Awesome Possome = Sunday Main Course (Sid Perkins, Alexandria) Elvis Republic x Trailthefox = Nothinbutahounddog (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) Fifty Stars x Horrible Evening = Miss USA Pageant (Russell Beland, Springfield) Fighting Bull x Corporate Shuffle = Staff Meeting (Jim W. Pond, Holliston, Mass.) Freud x Beckett = VladimirNEstrogen (Mike Byars, Bethesda) Freud x Dream Run = Run for Neuroses (Chris Doyle, Burke) Freud x Galileo = Venus Envy (Ed VanderPloeg, Fairfax) Freud x Phone Ruler = Caller Id (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Freud x Proud Tower = Envy (Ken Advent, Parma, Ohio) Freud x Talk Is Money = Shrink Rap (Chris Doyle, Burke) Freud x Texas Scramble = Subliminable (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Hemingway x Divine Hammer = A Farewell to Armand (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.) Hemingway x Jackpot = A Farewell to Alms (Chris Doyle, Burke) Hemingway x Norway = The Son Oslo Rises (Chris Doyle, Burke) Historical Marker x Our Lil Affair = Presidential DNA (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Historical Marker x Time to Jet = Yellow Snow (Russell Beland, Springfield) Ideal Cut x Proud Man = Hugh Bris (Chris Doyle, Burke) Ideal Cut x Romantic Bull = Steer (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Ideal Cut x Steiners Baby Girl = Bris Gone Awry (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) I Love Silver x Divine Spirit = Metaliturgy (Tom Gabriel, Silver Spring) I Love Silver x On Sabbatical = The Lonely Ranger (Johnny Casana, Burke; Robert A. Marriot, Alexandria) I Love Silver x Procreate = CatherineTheGreat (Ed VanderPloeg, Fairfax) I Love Silver x Stable Secret = The Lone Pervert (Fred Blake, Oakton) I Love Silver x Stable Secret = Animal Husbandry (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley) Impressionist x Abduction = TakeTheMonetAndRun (Chris Doyle, Burke) Impressionist x A Life in Music = Que Sera Seurat (Lynne Larkin, Glenn Dale) Impressionist x Baseball Champion = Winslow Homer (Russell Beland, Springfield) Impressionist x Comic Genius = Debussy Fields (Chris Doyle, Burke) Impressionist x Dollar Bill = Paper Monet (Russell Beland, Springfield) Impressionist x Military Tune = Singer Sargent (Russell Beland, Springfield) Impressionist x Mr. Dillon = Marshall Art (Tom Nessinger, Silver Spring) Impressionist x Touch Tone = Debussy Signal (Russell Beland, Springfield) Indygo Shiner x One Special Judge = Judy Blue Eye (Brian Butler, Laurel) Jamaican Rum x Le Grande Danseur = Ballet Uptothe Bar (Chris Doyle, Burke) Jamaican Rum x Quite Careless = WokeUpInaDumpster (Matt Christianson, Washington) Jamaican Rum x Signore Pasquale = Pastafarian (Doreen Jones, Alexandria) Joe's Son Joey x Ship Shape = Captain Kangaroo (Clay Daetwyler-Parks, Takoma Park) Kazoo x Verdi = Zamfir's Comeback (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) Keats x City Zip = CodeOnaGrecianUrn (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Keats x Funandsun = Odeonagrecianburn (Mike Byars, Bethesda) Kinetics x Sea to See = Perpetual Ocean (Jim Bradshaw, North Beach, Md.) King Snake x Perigee Moon = Plumber's Crack (Mark LaBarre, Rockville) King Snake x Tribute to the Farm = EIEIOWWWWWW (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Le Grande Danseur x Ring It Up = Pavlova's Dogs (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Lethal Agenda x Going Boldly = Murder Most Foal (John P. McCarthy, Annapolis) Lethal Agenda x Unbridled Vision = Onepointsix Trill (Jim Thompson, Palm Valley, Tex.) Macho Uno x Silvertongue Fox = Vicentes Nicknames (Eve Tushnet, New Haven, Conn.) Maroon Creek x Sky of Gold = Sleepy EPA (Robert A. Marriot, Alexandria) Master Planner x Procreate = L'Enfant (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Media Mogul x Distilled = Turner & Hooch (Tom Nessinger, Silver Spring; John Woodward, Bethesda) Mozart x American Pastime = Wolfgang DiMaggio (Rory Sanders, Washington) Mozart x Divine Spirit = Amadeus Ex Machina (Chris Doyle, Burke) Mozart x Kazoo = The Magic Kazoo (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Mozart x Voodoo = Black Magic Flute (Rod Ewing, York, England) My Two Sons x Parents' Reward = They Never Call (Lorraine Polik, Arlington) My Two Sons x Rough House = Poke Your Eye Out (Kelly Price, Annapolis) New Program x D'Wildcat = The Weakest Lynx (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) New Program x Military Tune = Washpost.com March (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Paging x Rude Cat = Beeping Tom (Tom Nessinger, Silver Spring) Private Son x Lucky Scarab = Beetle Bailey (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Procreate x Seeking Daylight = Birth Canal (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Procreate x Our Lil Affair = Lil Child Support (Russell Beland, Springfield) Procreate x Sound Affects = Ooh-Aah-Yes-Yes (David Banyasz, Chesapeake Beach, Md.; Russell Beland, Springfield) Procreate x Time to Jet = ReadyRNotHereICome (Anthony Yeznach, Clackamas, Ore.) Project Hope x Outofthebox = Pandora (Nina Nichols, Arlington) Proud Tower x Denied = No Trump (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley) Proud Tower x Freud = WashingtonMonument (Brandon Declet, Washington) Quick Rib x First Book = Eve (Roy Ashley, Washington; Lorri Mechem, Arlington) Quick Rib x Standing Applause = Up and Adam (Judith Cottrill, New York) Quinary x Niner's Echo = Quininininine (Carol Ostrow, Laurel) Quite Careless x Piccolo Player = That Woman (Charlie Myers, Laurel) Quite Careless x Raven King = Edgar Allan Putz (Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring) Quite Careless x This Fleet Is Due = This Fleet Is Sunk (Russell Beland, Springfield) Raven King x Go Underground = Tell-Tale Heart (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.) Raven King x La La's Passion = Edgar Allan Po (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.) Russian Mystery x Go Underground = Where'sTheTunnel (Rich Weaver, Waldorf) Russian Mystery x On Sabbatical = Where's the Czar (Russell Beland, Springfield) She's a Devil Due x Procreate = Rosemary's Baby (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.; Louise Williams, Edgewater) Sir Rock x Inscrutable = Rosetta Stone (Sandra Yin, Rockville) Sky Hunter x Flying Hero = Saving Private Orion (Heather Dugan, New Castle, Pa.) Sky Hunter x Smooth Wood = Orion's BeltSander (Steve Fahey, Kensington) So Urgent x Adios My Friend = Montezumas Revenge (Doreen Jones, Alexandria) So Urgent x Squirtle Squirt = Are We There Yet? (Simon Wegner, Garrett Park) Solitary Vision x Lasersport = DocZapsYourEyeOut (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Solitary Vision x Me and Thee = NotSoSureAboutThee (Dudley Thompson, Rockville) Special Saint x Duality = Goody Two Shoes (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) Spectacular Cat x Dynamite Cat = Exploding Hairball (Debra Gookins, Manassas) Squirtle Squirt x Historical Marker = Monica Slept Here (Sid Perkins, Alexandria) Squirtle Squirt x Unbridled Man = Hello Daddy (Debbie Holbach, Warrenton, Va.) Standing Applause x Bay Eagle = Rah Rah Avis (Chris Doyle, Burke) Stanley B x Just Allen = What, No Phillips? (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) Sweet Ricky x Date More Minors = La Vida Nono (Brian Butler, Laurel) Sweet Ricky x Mongoose = Ricky-Tikki-Taffy (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Joseph Romm, Washington) Texas Scramble x First Book = IsOurKidsLearning (Doreen Jones, Alexandria) Texas Scramble x Romantic Bull = Texas Oysters (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.) Topdown x Lov in Excess = RU-486 (Daniel Zwicker, Vienna) This Fleet Is Due x Date More Minors = Tailhook II (John Kammer, Herndon) This Fleet Is Due x Papa M and M = Eminem's Enema (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Tru Bull x Without Pretense = Ferdinand (Ann Georgia McCaffray, Sperryville, Va.) Tribute tothe Farm x Me and Thee = Me I Thee I O (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley) Ultravase x Baseball Champion = Relief Pitcher (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.) Ultravase x Romantic Bull = Crock of Bull (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.) Ultravase x Sky of Gold = Up Ewers (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.) [Unnamed-1] x Max's Friend = WhoWasAgent99Alex? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Verdi x Divine Hammer = Anvil Chorus (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Verdi x Elvis Republic = Andrewlloydwebber (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.) Verdi x Scorpion = Aieeeeeeda (Roy Ashley, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Vroom Vroom x Nashville Cat = Road Kill (Judy Sherman, Burtonsville) Wheat Penny x Greek Star = Lincoln Mercury (Russell Beland, Springfield) Wicked Will x My Two Sons = Split Heirs (Bob Wilson, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 401, published May 13, 2001 Week LXVIII (401): A Matter of Degree Sign you're getting older: You wish you knew then what you know now. Sign you're REALLY getting older: You wish you knew now what you knew then. Sign your marriage is losing its magic: When you get into bed with her, she pulls away. Sign your marriage is REALLY losing its magic: When you get into bed with her, she pulls a gun. This week's contest, suggested by Russell Beland, Springfield, is . . . But before we get to that, a personal note. This contest will be the Uberczar's final curtain, as the Czar has crawled out of whatever weasel-infested pit he's been hiding in. This has truly been a rare opportunity for personal growth. Now I just hope I can have that growth removed as quickly and painlessly as possible. As you were. Now, then: Describe a sign of some modest change in a situation and pair it with a sign of an extreme change in that same situation, as in the above examples. First-prize winner gets a wine bottle cleverly cloaked in the lower extremity of a cloven-hoofed animal, complete with above-referenced hoof. Shoulder strap included. We've just now had an offer of $11.99 for this item. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXVIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, May 21. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest (Deep Thoughts from a refrigerator-magnet-type set of words) is by Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, who wins a T-shirt. REPORT FROM WEEK LXIV (397), in which we asked you to drop letters from the sign of an actual business to create a new establishment. Just about everyone helpfully submitted a condensation of "House," "Home" or "Hour" to "Ho" -- as in Ho Depot, One Ho Cleaners, Pancake Ho. Ho ho ho. Hum. Other frequently offered improvements included Ant Food from Giant Food; unTrust for SunTrust bank; Strom Rack for Nordstrom Rack (a large selection of plaid pants); and Bug King for Burger King. And a number of people sent in examples of actual comically burned-out signs, such as "Pubic Parking" on a large garage in Silver Spring, pointed out by Rachel Bernhardt of Takoma Park; and "Goo ear" on that Goodyear sign in Northern Virginia, noted by several of you. Fourth runner-up: KMART to K MA, the store where your child will try on the clothes you want him to. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Third runner-up:TALBERT'S ICE AND BEVERAGE to TARTS AND BEER: Swing by and pick up a case! (Jim W. Pond, Holliston, Mass.) Second runner-up:KAISER PERMANENTE to AIEEEE, an anesthesia-free surgery center. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) First runner-up: PETITS PLATS restaurant to PETIT SPLAT, a bistro specializing in road-kill appetizers. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) And the winner of the Baby Prince William paper dolls: WAL-MART to WART: Our name is synonymous with unwanted growth. (Selma Mathias, Harrisonburg, Va.) Honorable Mentions: SHUMAN'S BAKERY, Alexandria, to HUMAN BAKERY, specializing in gingerbread men and ladyfingers -- S. Todd, proprietor. (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) BRITCHES OF GEORGETOWNE to BITES OF GEORGE W: Colonial dentistry, wooden teeth our specialty. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) HOWARD COMMUNITY COLLEGE to HOW COM COLLEGE: Accreditation pending. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND, College Park, to FRY LAND, the club where the party is always hot and the atmosphere blazing! (Scotty Balentine, Fairfax) TIMBERMAN DRUGS, Alexandria, to TIMBER N RUGS, providing men with all their midlife-crisis needs from Viagra to toupees. (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) KINKO'S to INKO'S: Documents copied by scribes while you wait. (Craig DuBose, Charlottesville) ADULT WORLD PLAYHOUSE CINEMA, Syracuse, N.Y., to A DULL HOUSE, featuring round-the-clock production of Ibsen plays. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) MARRIOTT SUITES to RIOT SUITS, outfitting the discriminating Cincinnati police officer since 1967. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) BURLINGTON COAT FACTORY to BUTT FAT, the plus-size center. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) BALLY TOTAL FITNESS to LOAFIN, not-so-total fitness. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) CLOSET STRETCHERS, Rockville, to CLOSET RETCHERS, a support group for bulimics. (Chris Doyle, Burke) HEART IN HAND restaurant, Clifton, to EAR IN HAND, Mike Tyson's favorite eatery. (Chris Doyle, Burke) RADIO SHACK to ADIOS, Jack Kevorkian's one-hour finishing shop! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) THE MOBILE SOLUTION, Landmark Center, to THE MOB SLUT, tasteful fashions for the gangster babe. (John Drummond, Alexandria) AUNTIE ANNE'S PRETZELS, Landmark Center, to UNTIE ANNE'S PRETZELS: So soft they come undone. (John Drummond, Alexandria) LIFE UNIFORMS, Landmark Center, to LUNIFORMS: Straitjackets Unlimited. (John Drummond, Alexandria) OLD NAVY to OLD NAY: Do we have it? NO! Can we get it? NO! You'll save like never before! (Judith Cottrill, New York) GREAT CLIPS, Columbia, to EAT LIPS: We serve tongue, too. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) MCDONALD'S to NADS: Mountain oysters are our specialty. (Saul Rosen, Rockville) PLACE ONE CONDOMINIUMS, Alexandria, to LACE ON CONDOMS, Almost Perfect Prophylactics (Chris Doyle, Burke) PARFUMS DE FRANCE, Tysons Corner, to PRUDE FACE, cosmetics for the sexually repressed. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) MONTGOMERY MALL, Bethesda, to ON TOE YALL, a ballet and square dance school. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) BASKIN-ROBBINS to KIN-BINS: Wondering where to put up those out-of-town relatives? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) BUSTER BROWN to BUST ROW, outlet shopping for Victoria's Secret, Frederick's of Hollywood and Maidenform. (M. Lilly Welsh, Oakton) BED BATH & BEYOND to BEAT & BOND, for all your S&M needs. (Marleen May, Rockville) ORLEANS HOUSE restaurant, Rosslyn, to OR HOUSE, a Cockney recreation facility. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) FRESH FIELDS WHOLE FOODS MARKET to FRIED FOOD: Ah, forget the damn sprouts. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) GALAXY COMMUNICATIONS, Bethesda, to LAX MUNITIONS: Guns & Ammo -- no ID, no limits. (Russell Beland, Springfield) BARNES & NOBLE to BAR & NO: She'll still turn you down, but cappuccinos are cheaper than dinner. (Mariann Simms, Wetumpka, Ala.) CRACKER BARREL restaurant, country cooking, to CRACK BAR, city cooking. (Steven J. Allen, Manassas) THE WASHINGTON POST to HASH N POT: [Products sold for novelty purposes only -- eds.] (Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia) The Uncle's Pick: TOYS R US to OYS R US, a travel agency specializing in guilt trips: "Come to Oy, and we'll show you the Vay." (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.) The Uncle Explains: Let's examine the puns in turn: The first is on the word "trip," which has both a travel meaning and a Jewish-mother connotation. The second pun is on "vay." You see, some of our Hebrew friends pronounce W as V, so this "trip" agency offers to show you both the "way" and the second half of the Yiddish term "oy, vay"! ====================================================================== WEEK 402, published May 20, 2001 Week LXIX (402): Spitting the Difference Yasser Arafat Laser Eye Surgery Pizza-Scented Shampoo Intimations of Mortality Large Men in Leotards Doing Squat Thrusts Six Hamsters in a Burlap Sack Performance Anxiety The Euro A Catfish The Baltimore Orioles The Human Navel An English Calf An Apology to China Robert Hanssen, Master Spy William J. Clinton Eddie Gootchy Gatchy Gamma Tostinara Tostinoca Samma Kamma Wacky Brown Eminem The difference between the Euro and pizza-scented shampoo is that when you are really smashed, pizza-scented shampoo seems like a good idea. This week's contest: Tell us the difference between any two of the above items. (Example: The difference between an apology to China and fat men in leotards doing squat thrusts is that when you are forced to apologize to China, it isn't merely spandex that has you by the short hairs.) First-prize winner gets three bottles of Indian Spirit scented bath oil and floor wash, sold by leading voodoo shops everywhere and guaranteed to banish all evil presences from one's home. Today marks the return of The Czar from a two-month sabbatical. During this time, as promised, he submitted entries under a series of pseudonyms unknown to the new judge, who was a woman. The very first week, the Czar suggested that what was missing from a photo of a bent-over Betty Ford was "the monkey on her back," an entry summarily rejected as "tasteless." It was at that moment The Czar sensed he was in trouble. What followed was a weekly carnival of horror for The Czar, culminating with Week LXIV, when he proposed that the "I" in the "IBM" sign be blacked out to create "a company that produces software to facilitate data dumps." This entry was flushed instantly. In all, the Czar submitted an average of five entries a week over nine weeks. He did enjoy some success: In two weeks (LX and LXI), he took the first prize, coming up with the winning poem summarizing a newspaper article and the winning blurb designed to make a movie as unappealing as possible. He also garnered three honorable mentions. (All prizes were sent to the University of Pennsylvania undergraduates who graciously permitted their names to be used in this foul enterprise.) Overall, the brief but eventful tenure of the Auxiliary Czar did much to humanize a contest often thought of as arrogant and autocratic. She sent cheerful notes to people whose entries did not quite make the final cut, praising their efforts and urging them to try again. She engaged in pleasant, respectful e-mail banter with any and all. At times she explained her decisions, so as to demystify the selection process. The Czar wishes to thank her for creating a nurturing and inviting atmosphere with these many changes, which will cease at once. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLIX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, May 28. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke. REPORT FROM WEEK LXV (398), in which we asked you to create some Great Thoughts from a list of words, á la those pretentious sets of refrigerator magnets: Second runner-up: Bush: "Infinity is, like, not ending." (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.) First runner-up: I like art if it can agitate, not imitate. -- Homer (Judith E. Cottrill, New York) And the winner of the inflatable California Raisin: Life -- the sinister play: Prayer, genuflect, weep . . . Alas, every ending is "die."(Brian Foster, Fairfax) Honorable Mentions: He: I like Nestle pudding. Not the instant style. Make it, princess? She: Eat [colon doodle] and die! (Judith E. Cottrill, New York) Alas, the magic is ending. Weep, wizard Green-span! (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) "I repeat: Can I recount every one?" "Not exactly," she answered. (Judith E. Cottrill, New York) If the dog lather, RUN! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Heavy: ( ) Not: ) ( Eat: ( ) Stop: ) ( Repeat: ( ) . . . ) ( . . . ( ) (O. Winfrey, Chicago, via Russell Beland, Springfield) The planet is ending: Heavy asteroid can strike, slamming Earth. Say an instant prayer, weep, and die like hot pudding in one big sack. (Russell Beland, Springfield) She doodle, Style strike every one! Alas, I weep. (Jean Guevara, Silver Spring) One Wizard is an instant sensation. Alas, stars can not make big clowns play like magic. (Dwight Davis, Arlington) The princess's rolls make her weep. Alas, heavy, like an asteroid. Imitate every model: Eat cucumber, not Nestle. (Jon Bragg, Sterling) Bland Bush can not repeat incessant roll in the sack. Weep not, heavy princess. (Dwight Davis, Arlington) The Green Monster: It can stop slamming homer. Stars weep. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) The Bush recount: Big prayer, incessant spin, sinister ending. (Arthur Litoff, Dillsburg, Pa.) Bush can repeat "Run dog"; alas, not say "Fahrvergnugen." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) She is an instant sensation, like magic in the stars. Slamming stop. Sinister ending. Princess, die. (Chris Doyle, Burke; Russell Beland, Springfield) The Uncle's Pick: In bland art, clowns weep. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Uncle Explains: Can the poignant irony of the weeping clown fail to bring a tear to one's own eye? ====================================================================== WEEK 403, published May 27, 2001 Week 403 (LXX) : Cry. Uncle! This week's contest is based upon the jarring news story that appears below. Humor Contest's Beloved "Uncle" Feared Dead -------------------------------------------- The Uncle of the Style Invitational, whose weekly 'pick' stresses the value of good taste and forgotten American virtues, was reported missing Sunday. Police fear the worst. A man of regular habits, he failed to --- -------------------------------------------- Your job is to contain your grief, and write the beginning of a new, follow-up news article -- an obituary? -- that will provide the details of what happened. One hundred words or fewer. First-prize winner gets five lime green "The Uncle Loves Me" T- shirts, which we seem to have in excess at this particular time. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e- mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, June 4. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest is by Joseph Romm of Washington. REPORT FROM WEEK LXVI (399), in which we asked you to describe a movie in such a way as to get a guy to see a chick flick, or vice versa. If you described "Die Hard" as a tender epic of a man trying to reunite with his estranged wife, you were smart but not remotely alone. Fifth runner-up: "It's a Wonderful Life" -- A tale of suicide, bank fraud, a barroom brawl, a kamikaze attack on a Navy ship, and a high-school romp in a swimming pool. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Fourth runner-up: "Saving Private Ryan" -- Guy leaves wife. Regrets it. (Edward Horahan, McLean) Third runner-up: "Das Boot" -- A group of co-workers worry about water retention. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Second runner-up: "Steel Magnolias" -- Sally Field's kidney is ripped from her body while she is still alive! (Sandra Hull, Arlington) First runner-up: "Titanic" -- Leonardo DiCaprio dies. (Joe Morse, Charlottesville) And the winner of the Orrin Hatch CD: "Bambi" -- Hunters bag a 150-pound doe with a single shot. (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) Honorable Mentions: "The Wizard of Oz" -- Good-looking babe mud-wrestles with pigs. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Deep Throat" -- An unusually sensitive young woman comes of age, repeatedly. Be sure to bring plenty of tissues for this one. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Joseph Romm, Washington) "The Crying Game" -- Full-frontal nudity. (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Pulp Fiction" -- In this romantic thriller, Uma Thurman and John Travolta engage in a fulfilling but platonic relationship, yet both feel the need to medicate their inner pain with opiates. Travolta cares for Thurman when she has a medical crisis that threatens her life. This movie also contains helpful household cleaning tips, such as how to remove difficult stains from automobile upholstery. (David Kleinbard, Montclair, N.J.) "Driving Miss Daisy" -- Buddies Dan Aykroyd ("Ghostbusters") and Morgan Freeman ("Deep Impact") team up in this Southern tale of cars and the woman they both love but cannot have. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) "You've Got Mail" -- Tycoon uses guile, intimidation and deceit to crush the competition and nail the chick. (Michael Genz, La Plata; Scott Susser, Brooklyn, N.Y.) "You've Got Mail" -- Everything you need to know about how to meet women online. (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Memento" -- A man loses his wife and discovers that nothing in his life makes sense anymore. (Greg Forster, Reston) "Alien 2" -- Touching story of a mother's struggle to raise her children in a changing world. The confrontation at the end between Mom and her career-woman rival will leave you in tears. (Jonathan Crawford, Jessup) "The Silence of the Lambs" -- Unique recipe ideas and skin maintenance techniques. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) "The Great Escape" -- Ol' Bedroom Eyes Steve McQueen ("Love With the Proper Stranger") stars in this soul-searching paean to dishing the dirt. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) "Kindergarten Cop" -- The "Terminator" star is back for more. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Pretty Woman" -- A guy finds a whore who looks exactly like Julia Roberts. (Greg Forster, Reston) "M*A*S*H" -- Doctors, many of them single. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "A League of Their Own" -- Plenty of girl-on-girl action in this one. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) "Gone With the Wind" -- A city burns to the ground. Also, a guy rapes a really bitchy woman to teach her a lesson, and she likes it. Then he dumps her. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) "The Bridges of Madison County" -- Clint Eastwood ("Hang 'Em High") stars in this tale of a lonely housewife who gets it on with a guy who likes to take pictures. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "The Godfather" -- A devoted son tries to live up to his father's expectations. (Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia) ====================================================================== WEEK 404, published June 3, 2001 Week LXXI (404): Balloonacy Take that, you beast! Of all the nerve! Help me! I love it when you do that! Grrr! But first, a little ru-ru! Oh no! Ow! That hurts! Hey, I didn't say it would WORK! The directions say . . . Because it feels good, dammit! Ooooo. REAL Mensa candidate here! I'll be darned if I'll pay a grand and a half for THAT! Quit saying that! Have you considered using a catcher's mitt? Yeah, but Rudy Giuliani isn't Jewish! Salve! I need salve! One tractor or two? Honey, did we order this? The kids need to learn about responsibility, that's why! Look, kids! It's Ol' Mother Nature at work again! Does anyone here speak German? We never should have liberated the French! Huh? What was that? Is that your final answer? Yes No How come? Does this look infected to you? In Arkansas, he's considered a God! That's nothin'! A chip off the ol' block, eh? I'm tellin' you, it's a cow! Can you say that in Yiddish? *&*! Quick! Get to the bank before anybody notices! Kerblam! Ka-runch! Zlirtch! Ooof! Later . . . Meanwhile, during the Eisenhower administration . . . This week's contest: Create a comic strip containing one to four panels. For your dialogue or thought balloons, you may choose from the menu above. In addition you may invent one line -- but only one line -- of your own. You don't have to draw anything, just describe your characters and tell us what they are doing and saying. Bob Staake drew the example above, and will draw the winning entries. First-prize winner gets a copy of a rare, antique raving-mad 1972 pamphlet: "On The Victory of Socialist Agricultural Co-operativization and the Future Development of Agriculture in Our Country," by the Hon. Kim Il Sung, president of North Korea. It is priceless. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail tolosers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, June 11. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. REPORT FROM WEEK LXVII (400), in which you were asked to come up with celebrity entries for Style's "Life Is Short" feature, in which people describe their lives in 100 words or fewer. But first, T.J. Murphy of Arlington complains that in his published entry last week about "Gone With the Wind," we inserted a reference to Rhett's forcible sexual conquest of Scarlett that T.J. found distasteful. He is right: We did so insert. He wishes it emphasized that he, T.J. Murphy of Arlington, does not condone, countenance or otherwise advocate the forcible sexual conquest of anybody by anybody, nohow, and not in jest or in the movies or in any venue, medium or context that smacks in any such way of any such act. Whatsoever. And we do so attest. Back to "Life Is Short": Third runner-up: Life? Short? You bet it's short. It's so short, they should call it Lif. It's so short, my grandmother died before she could have any children. It's so short, my life insurance policy already paid me. It's so short, I died twice doing this bit. -- Henny Youngman (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Second runner-up: We are all grouped together. It is very warm, and sticky, and wet. Thousands of us have survived the invasion and we are now in a kind of limbo. We can say nothing, hear nothing, see nothing. It is, in any case, far too dark here for anyone, anything, to see. After a few days the enemy will attack with chemical weapons. Hundreds of our brothers will die all around us, but some of us will survive, and adapt, and become more resistant. The Resistance will persevere. We will win. -- A Pneumonia Bacterium (Russell Beland, Springfield) First runner-up: Next time I make a pact with the Devil, I have to nail this down in advance. It's supposed to be the PORTRAIT that ages, dammit. -- Keith Richards (Alexandra Schexnayder, Richmond) And the winner of the musical ice cream scoop: Maybe life is short. However, it is much too long for 97 words, or 98, or even 99. But everything is open to interpretation. What does "in" 100 words truly mean? Does it mean that the entirety of one's life must be summarized within that stricture? Arguably, since life itself is episodic, it may also be expressed in an episodic fashion. To wit, that one would not violate the "100 word" ruling if . . . -- William J. Clinton, Chappaqua, N.Y. . . . one submitted multiple entries in series, much as life itself is presented seriatum, so long as each entry were held to 100 words or fewer. What would the judges say about that? It's open to debate and maybe appeal, a long, costly appeal that would do no one any good, and would wisely be avoided. Now, the fact is, my life story begins in a small town called Hope, Arkansas, where . . . -- William J. Clinton, Chappaqua, N.Y. (Don Burdett, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Life is a lot like a toolbox. Sometimes you reach in and get screwed. By a Craftsman All-Purpose Power Screwdriver with variable clutch, available at Sears. And sometimes you get nailed. By a Craftsman Turbo-Powered Nail Gun, sold only at Sears. But you always have to level with yourself. Using a Craftsman Deluxe 12-Inch Magic-Bubble Level with . . . -- Bob Vila (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) I am not lonely. And I'd rather you didn't call. I just hate fixing stuff, which is why I took this job. -- The Maytag Repairman (Carl Bixel, Cincinnati) Playing the buffoon isn't as easy as an occasional pratfall or witless blunder. There is timing. There is phrasing. And there is acting, the most difficult form of acting in which one must capture, with deftly simple dialogue and body language, the hypocrisies of everyday Americans who sense their spiritual emptiness in a time of plenty. Comedy is the cruelest mistress. -- Homer Simpson (Alexandra Schexnayder, Richmond) Let me say it now, just once. Throw it out. No, it doesn't look better with glitter on it. Store-bought cakes are better. Sorry, but it isn't as good as new. Homemade gifts look cheap. No one cares about finding new uses for old crap. The Depression is over. Get a life. Thank you. -- Heloise (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) I DON'T NEED A MICROPHONE. MY LUNGS ARE STRONGER THAN DEAN MARTIN'S BREATH. -- Kate Smith (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Don't need a hundred words. -- Calvin Coolidge (Ben Aronin, White Plains, N.Y.) They used to say I was postmodern. No point, floating across the cultural landscape, touching down to make wry observations in archetypal settings. Then for a while I was fixated on architectural icons. Lately I don't even appear, replaced by the rambling recollections of my Creator. To hell with this. I want out. Give me a strip with some knock-knock jokes, Bazooka Joe gags, anything. I'm dying here. -- Zippy the Pinhead (Jim Pond, Holliston, Mass.) Modest lives such as mine are lived uneventfully and unpretentiously, for I, Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky . . . (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Go ask your father. Go ask your father. Go ask your father. Go ask your father. Go ask your father. Go ask your father. Go ask your father. -- Bobbi McCaughey (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) to washington i went when i was a boy; and the beautiful chalky buildings stood like hungry teeth along the avenues. one stuck out like a jagged fang among them: the capitol. how I hated it. -- e e cummings (James Pierce, Charlottesville) In the city of Schmink / In building 3-B / I wrote some good books, / I'm sure you'll agree. / I wrote dozens of books / Bound in blue, pink and red. / It sure was fun / But now I am dead. -- Dr. Seuss (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 405, published June 10, 2001 Week LXXII (405): The "Sty"le Invitational. Washing"ton": Fat city. The"rapist": A very, very bad psychoanalyst. V"oy"eur: A Peeping Tom at a South Florida Leisure World. V"id"eo: Porn. F"right"ened: Jim Jeffords's state of mind prior to leaving the GOP. This week's contest is a return of one of our favorites. Take any word -- this may include people or places -- put a portion of it in "air quotes" and redefine it, as in the examples above. You may not alter spelling. First-prize winner gets a genuine foul-smelling uncomfortable hair shirt made by the Hirsute Hairshirt Co., a value of $50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, June 18. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke. REPORT FROM WEEK LXVIII (401), in which you were asked to come up with a sign of a dire condition, and then a sign of further deterioration thereof. Fourth runner-up: Sign your career might be in jeopardy: You fracture a leg while running in the Super Bowl. Sign your career might be in real jeopardy: You fracture a leg while running in the Kentucky Derby. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Third runner-up: Sign it might be time to stop breast-feeding: Your son is starting to talk. Sign it really might be time to stop breast-feeding: Your son is starting to talk about your "bodacious bazooms." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: Sign a horse trainer might not know what he is doing: The jockeys on his horses are too big. Sign a horse trainer really might not know what he is doing: . . . and they're made by Fruit of the Loom.(Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia) First Runner-Up: Sign you are getting old: You forget to zip. Sign you are really getting old: You forget to unzip. (Chris Doyle, Burke; Alan Rubin, Delaplane, Va.) And the winner of the cloven-hoofed wine bottle holder: Sign you're oversexed: Your wife pretends to be asleep when you enter the bedroom. Sign you're really oversexed: Your wife pretends to be asleep when you enter the delivery room. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Sign your finances are in trouble: Your stocks are plummeting off the charts. Sign your finances are really in trouble: Your stockbroker is plummeting off his building. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia) Sign the California energy crisis is getting serious: L.A. residents can only cool their houses to 75 degrees. Sign the California energy crisis is really getting serious: L.A. residents can only cool their wine to 75 degrees. (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) Sign your marriage is in trouble: You have to get advice from a marriage counselor. Sign your marriage is really in trouble: You have to get advice from O.J. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Sign you are overweight: You cause floorboards to bend. Sign you are really overweight: You cause light rays to bend. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Sign you've lost your sense of humor: You no longer get in the Style Invitational. Sign you've really lost your sense of humor: You no longer get the Style Invitational. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Sign you're dating a loser: He pulls up in a clunker car. Sign you're really dating a loser: He pulls up in a clunker car that is being towed. (Kenny Burrow, Great Mills, Md.) Sign you may need therapy: You talk to yourself. Sign you may really need therapy: You talk to yourselves. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Sign you're getting forgetful: You forget to send in your entry. Sign you're really getting forgetful: You send in your entry twice. (Diane Graft, Centreville) Sign you're poor: You fantasize about tax cuts. Sign you're really poor: You fantasize about cold cuts. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Sign you are a jerk: You are sleeping with your girlfriend's mother. Sign you are really a jerk: . . . and your girlfriend's mother is Mia Farrow. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Sign you might be in trouble: Your mother uses your middle name when she calls for you. Sign you might really be in trouble: The newspaper uses your middle name when it writes about you. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Sign your dot-com employer isn't doing well: Stock options are provided in lieu of salary. Sign your dot-com employer really isn't doing well: Stock options are provided in lieu of toilet paper. (Mike Berman, South Riding, Va.) Sign your stockbroker is incompetent: Last year, he recommended Pets.com. Sign your stockbroker is really incompetent: Last week, he recommended Pets.com. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Sign your political future may be in trouble: You are caught having lied under oath about your affair with one of your interns. Sign your political future might really be in trouble: You are caught not having filled out all the required paperwork for the nanny you once employed. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Sign it is hot out: You see a dog chasing a cat, and they're both walking. Sign it is really hot out: You see a dog e-mailing a threat to a cat. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Sign you're a loser: You're reading this. Sign you're really a loser: You wrote this. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Sign you're getting forgetful: You forget to send in your entry. Sign you're really getting forgetful: You send in your entry twice. (Diane Graft, Centreville) ====================================================================== WEEK 406, published June 17, 2001 Week LXXIII (406): Bum Steerage A kid heading off to summer camp. A guy about to buy his first new car. A boy about to go on his first date. Newlyweds who have just had their first fight. A senior singles club about to pick a theme for its dinner dance. George W. Bush about to deal with a Democratic Senate. This week's contest: Offer some spectacularly bad advice to any of the above people. First-prize winner gets proof that there is hope for civilization. It comes in the form of a small item that was stolen from The Czar's desk, and remained missing for four days, despite many plaintive e-mailed entreaties for its return, no questions asked. For four days, the Czar was in despair, worried that our society was doomed if anyone could stoop to stealing an item such as this. Well, on the fifth day The Czar arrived at work and found a slip of paper on his chair, unsigned. It said: "The dog is in your third drawer." It was. With hope renewed for his nation, The Czar announces that this week's first prize is a little toy West HighlandWhite terrier that farts when you squeeze it. It is priceless. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, June 25. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phyllis Kepner of Columbia. REPORT FROM WEEK LXIX (402), in which we asked you to explain the difference between any two items in a list we provided. Sixth Runner-Up: The difference between Robert Hanssen, Master Spy, and the human navel is that with Hanssen, the fuzz trapped him.(Brett Parchert, Alexandria) Fifth Runner-Up: The difference between intimations of mortality and Eminem is that intimations of mortality mean that you're getting old and clueless, and Eminem is a delightful little candy. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: The difference between an apology to China and the Baltimore Orioles is that only one is truly sorry. (Chris Kaufman, Glenn Dale) Third Runner-Up: There is no difference between William J. Clinton and pizza-scented shampoo. They both drive Monica Lewinsky wild. (Frank O'Rourke, Austin, Tex.) Second Runner-Up: The difference between Robert Hanssen and William J. Clinton is that one tried to get his girlfriend to say Our Fathers, while the other preferred Who's Your Daddy? (Mark Young, Washington) First Runner-Up: The difference between intimations of mortality and performance anxiety is that with intimations of mortality, you're concerned about going too soon. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And the winner of the combination bath oil and floor wash: The difference between a catfish and Robert Hanssen is that if you dropped a catfish on the desk of the FBI director, after a couple of weeks, he'd probably notice something fishy. (Jim W. Pond, Holliston, Mass.) Honorable Mentions: The difference between Eddie Gootchy Gatchy Gamma Tostinara Tostinoca Samma Kamma Wacky Brown and an apology to China is that Eddie Gootchy Gatchy Gamma Tostinara Tostinoca Samma Kamma Wacky Brown is easier to choke out. (Trent Tschirgi, Elkridge; Jean Sorensen, Herndon) There is no difference between the Baltimore Orioles and Robert Hanssen. They both got screwed by Freeh agents. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The difference between the Orioles and William J. Clinton is that Clinton's suicide squeeze wore a dress from the Gap. (James Winebrake, Harrisonburg, Va.) The difference between laser eye surgery and Robert Hanssen is that after laser eye surgery, your contacts don't claim they never heard of you. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The difference between laser eye surgery and Eminem is that not everyone experiences irritation from laser eye surgery. (Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia) The difference between laser eye surgery and intimations of mortality is that with laser eye surgery, it is your depth perception that improves. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The difference between six hamsters in a burlap sack and William J. Clinton is that the hamsters probably weren't trying to get in the sack. (Chris Doyle, Burke; Elliott Schiff, Orefield, Pa.) The difference between large men in leotards doing squat thrusts and six hamsters in a burlap sack is that the large men are likely to get an NEA grant for dance, whereas the hamsters are more likely to get one for visual arts. (William M. Powell, San Miguel de Allende, Mexico) The difference between William J. Clinton and performance anxiety is that William J. Clinton is more embarrassing. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The difference between William J. Clinton and six hamsters in a burlap sack is that the hamsters know they have a problem. (Carl Bixel, Cincinnati) The difference between large men in leotards doing squat thrusts and William J. Clinton is that one tests the limits of fabric, and the other the fabric of limits. (Walter Tendler, San Diego) The difference between Eminem and William J. Clinton is that Eminem doesn't do what he says and Bill Clinton doesn't say what he does. (Anna Hulkower, Reston) The difference between performance anxiety and a catfish is that a catfish gets better when stewed to the gills. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The difference between Yasser Arafat and William J. Clinton is that Arafat might really be looking for a just peace, whereas Clinton is really just looking for a piece. (Russ Beland, Springfield) The difference between the Baltimore Orioles and Robert Hanssen is that at least the Orioles are trying to score. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Not much difference between a catfish and the Orioles. They both stink when they're out there, under the sun. (Michael Biggs, Columbia) The difference between six hamsters in a burlap sack and William J. Clinton is that the hamsters probably won't try to mate while in a burlap sack. (Mark Young, Washington) The difference between intimations of mortality and performance anxiety has been disturbingly blurred by Bob Dole. (Mark Young, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 407, published June 24, 2001 Week LXXIV (407): Adverbiage Teacher: In Revolutionary France, the guillotine was controversial. Student: It was? Teacher: Yep. People were sharply divided. Did you hear about the necrophiliac who was barred from the cemetery? He was gravely concerned. This week's contest is a variation of the classic Tom Swiftly joke. ("My arm is shrinking," said Tom witheringly.) You have to come up with a witticism or a joke by making a pun out of an adverb. Unlike Tom Swiftlys, however, your adverb must modify not a verb but an adjective -- as in the examples above. Yes, it makes for a whole different game. First-prize winner gets a genuine framed 1930s-era country store display of Susquehanna Bucktails Spinning Lures and Spoons for Shad and All Game Fish. It is worth $60. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXIV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, July 2. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. There is no revised title for next week's contest because no one improved on the original. REPORT FROM WEEK LXX (403), in which we reported that The Uncle of The Style Invitational was missing, and asked you to supply the follow-up news story. But first, a milestone to report: With today's published entries, Chuck Smith of Woodbridge shuffles into The Style Invitational Hall of Fame. The Style Invitational Hall of Fame, located in Elizabeth, N.J., is open to all persons who have been published in the Invitational at least 500 times. At present, Mr. Smith is the only member of The Style Invitational Hall of Fame. Second Runner-Up: Uncle Found, Faces Charges . . . Friends and fans of the missing Uncle held a rally at police headquarters to protest the slow pace of the investigation into his disappearance. The neatly dressed, polite crowd carried signs that read, "Golly, We Know You Are Awfully Busy, and That Police Work Is Difficult Under Any Circumstances, and That You're Doing the Best That You Can, but Please Help Us Find That Dear, Sweet Man." And: "Please Honk Once, Lightly (So Long as That Won't Distract You From the Important Job of Driving Carefully) if You Support Our Wish for Greater Police Assistance in Finding the Uncle . . ." (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) First Runner-Up: Medical science declared itself baffled Sunday after an autopsy revealed The Uncle to be the first known fatal case of constipation . . . (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; Judith Cottrill, New York) And the winner of the five "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirts: Disillusioned gentleman ISO sympathy. I recently discovered my view of the world has been terribly flawed, and my professional colleagues have been snickering behind my back for years. I thought I held a position of importance; apparently, I was just being indulged. I have dropped out of sight, left my wife, and am now in the process of reevaluating my life. I'd like the comfort of an old-fashioned, plain-spoken woman. Sense of humor a minus. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: . . . Maryland Police confirm that the missing man, stopped for a broken taillight while on his way to weekly Bible study, was taken into custody by Prince George's County homicide detectives for "routine questioning." The Uncle is reported to have declined to contact his family, or his employer, and to have waived the right to consult an attorney during his 11-day interrogation, during which time he freely confessed to several unsolved murders. He is being held without bond. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) . . . In related news, the Nubile Young Secretary of the Style Invitational was also reported missing, and . . . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Ah, Uncle, we hardly knew ye! (The author explains: "We hardly knew ye" is frequently used to eulogize our closest friends, whom we obviously knew quite well but whom we lament we shall know no further.) (John Kammer, Herndon) Appreciation The Uncle knew that laughter is the best medicine, even though his humor ran more to the placebo type. He had a dark side, but mostly showed his ecru side. He looked like everybody's grandfather and he probably was, in his home state of West Virginia. Newspaper ink ran in his veins, and ironically a paper cut killed him as newspaper ink doesn't clot well. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Where in the World Is The Uncle? Usually, when an older man who isn't related to you asks you to call him Uncle and offers to be very nice to you, it's a good idea to run away and tell a grown-up you trust. But sometimes it's okay, like with The Uncle of the Style Invitational. He's a nice man. That's why everyone is so worried that he's gone missing. Do you think you know where he is? Send in your ideas! (Brian Foster, Fairfax) Several newspapers around the country reported receiving long, rambling manifestos today that were signed, mysteriously, "The Uncle." The writer claimed that he was hiding in a shack in Montana and would not reenter society until the name "Hoover Dam" was changed to "Hoover Darn." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Uncle emerged from seclusion today and announced he has legally changed his name to :-). Reporters are already referring to him as the symbol formally known as colon hyphen right parenthesis. . . . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Appreciation The Uncle had a heart as big as the great outdoors and a prostate to match. He was a gentleman and kept his hands to himself around the ladies -- often wearing flowing caftans to disguise the fact. Few people know that he wasn't really The Uncle, but actually a second cousin twice removed. Some considered him a jerk, others a pompous gasbag. The truth lay somewhere in between. If he could make one person laugh his day was complete, even if it was a forced, high-pitched, uncomfortable laugh. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) In a stunning development reminiscent of a previous scandal, The Washington Post today revealed that one of its writers, The Uncle, who was reported "missing" several weeks ago, never really existed. He was, instead, the fictionalized creation of employees of the Post. The Pulitzer Prize committee declared itself shocked, inasmuch it had been planning to award . . . (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The Uncle of the Style Invitational was found dead today in his bathroom, still grasping the entry that quite literally made him laugh himself to death. According to police, the joke was "only mildly amusing" but "certainly in impeccable taste." (David Moore, Bowie) ====================================================================== WEEK 408, published July 1, 2001 Week LXXV (408): What's In a Name? This week we modify a classic contest from two years ago. Take the name of any politician, living or dead, and construct an appropriate message from the letters of the name, as in the examples above. You may use any letter as many times as you want, and you may insert punctuation as you wish, but you are limited to those letters that appear in the name. As before, degree of Difficulty will be a factor in our winning selections: "William Jefferson Clinton" provides no challenge. "Ed Koch" does. First-prize winner gets a genuine vintage Elvis doll, on a stand. Elvis looks vaguely like Dracula. This is worth $30. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, July 8. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Meg Sullivan of Potomac. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXI (404), in which we supplied you with 50 lines of dialogue, and challenged you to create cartoons from them. You were permitted to use one line of your own. Jennifer Hart of Arlington wins a copy of a cartoon she created that we decided not to print. We came to this decision after our boss, Deborah the Nice, pleasantly urged us not to print it because she does not want to go through the tedium of hiring a new Czar just now. Second Runner-Up: Panel 1: Weary man: "OWW! THAT HURTS! Panel 2: Weary man: "GOLLY, CUT IT OUT, WILLYA?" Panel 3: Torturer, heating a branding iron: "OOO, REAL MENSA CANDIDATE HERE" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Man comes in from chopping wood, large jagged branch stuck in his eye. Woman, reading in a chair: "A CHIP OFF THE OL' BLOCK, EH?" WHEN A PUN IS INAPPROPRIATE (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the winner of the North Korean pamphlet: Panel 1 Man addresses superhero: "NON-SEQUITUR MAN! I WANT TO ASK JILL TO THE PROM. WHAT SHOULD I SAY?" Non-Sequitur Man: "ONE TRACTOR OR TWO?" Panel 2 Man: "HUH? WHAT WAS THAT?" Non-Sequitor Man, preparing to launch: "HAVE YOU CONSIDERED USING A CATCHER'S MITT?" Panel 3 Non-Sequitur Man, flying away: "I'M TELLING YOU .... IT'S A COW!" Man: "?" Panel 4: MEANWHILE, DURING THE EISENHOWER ADMINISTRATION ... Khrushchev, pounding shoe on podium: "BUT FIRST A LITTLE RU-RU!" Delegates: "?"(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Honorable Mentions ==================== Panel 1: Dentist, bending over patient with drill: "BUT FIRST A LITTLE RU-RU!" Panel 2: Patient: "CUT OUT THE STUPID NICK-NAMES! IT'S A ROOT CANAL!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) ==================== Panel 1: Man enters door from street, under sign: "MENSA MEETING TODAY, NEW APPLICANTS WELCOME". Two uniformed men observe. Panel 2: Uniformed men resume watching street. Panel 3: Man on left: "OOOO, REAL MENSA CANDIDATE HERE" Man on right: "QUIT SAYING THAT!" (Jack Welsch and Sugar Strawn, Alexandria) ==================== Panel 1: Catcher, off screen, "OWW!", as pitcher delivers pitch. Panel 2: Catcher approaches pitcher on mound. Panel 3: Catcher, holding up injured bare hands: "SALVE. I NEED SALVE." Pitcher: "HAVE YOU CONSIDERRED USING A CATCHER'S MITT?" (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) ==================== Panel 1: Elementary-school teacher, reading to class: "OOOF! KERBLAM! KA-RUNCH! ZLIRTCH!" Panel 2: Teacher thinks: "JUST ONCE I'D LIKE TO HEAR THOSE DAMFOOL PARENTS TRY TO TAKE ATTENDANCE!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 409, published July 8, 2001 Week LXXVI (409): Nice Job, if You Get It Old Name: Malignant Tumor New Name: Personal Growth Old Name: East St. Louis New Name: West Cincinnati Old Name: Pit Bull New Name: Flesh Poodle This Week's Contest was suggested by Bruce W. Alter of Fairfax Station, who pointed out that the state of North Dakota is considering changing its name to just "Dakota," to make it sound less cold and barren, and thus more inviting to tourists. This seems like a swell idea that need not be limited to states. Take anything that might need its image enhanced -- place, person, event, whatever -- and rename it in a way that keeps its essential identity, but makes it seem, y'know, nicer. First-prize winner gets an unused box of 1984 Christmas cards from the National Republican Senatorial Committee. This is worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXVI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, July 16. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXII (405), in which we asked you to take any word, put a portion of it in "air quotes" and redefine the word. Fifth Runner-Up: M"ick" Jagger: A 60-year-old in spandex. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Fourth Runner-Up: T"rent" Lott: A politician who has not entirely sold out. (Mary Lou French, Lorton; Ted Einstein, Silver Spring) Third Runner-Up: S"laughter": Stop! You're killing me! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: Con"nip"tion: What Secret Service agents throw if you have just one teensy-weensy little drinky-poo. (J. and B. Bush, Austin; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) First Runner-Up: H"airball": What you throw up when you are choking. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of the genuine hair shirt: Di"agnostic"ian: This doctor is just not sure what you've got.(Steve Fahey, Kensington) Honorable Mentions: Fem"me fat"ale: The transformation made by a changing-room mirror. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Jim Jef"fords": One who crosses from one side to the other, against a current. (Hamdi Akar, Broad Run) Y"ale": Playground for presidents and their offspring. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Far"RV"egnugen: Gas-guzzling. (Ray Ratajczak, Arbutus) Donald T"rump": Donald Trump. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Neigh"bor: That horse's ass next door. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Ou"thou"se: That little shed behind the Quaker meeting hall. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Fab"rication: A rave movie review written by someone who doesn't exist. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "ATM"osphere: That uneasy feeling when you're withdrawing money and someone is standing too close behind you. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) C"had": How Gore felt after the election. (John Held, Fairfax) "Brassier"e: A bolder look in women's undergarments. (Ted Einstein, Silver Spring) A"me"rica: America. (Brian Foster, Fairfax; Russell Beland, Springfield) P"resident": A person whose only readily apparent qualification for being the leader of a country is that he resides in a big white house. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) Infi"deli"ty: When you catch your spouse at a meat market. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) La"goon": A place to sleep with the fishes. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Bran"son, Mo.: A town very popular with seniors. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Gall"o: The nerve to bring cheap wine. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Cell"ulite: Describes the condition wherein a thin person is trapped inside a fat person's body. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Hoi "poll"oi: All those stupid people Gallup calls instead of me. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Choc"ho"late: A substance some women will do anything for. (Mary Lou French, Lorton) Con"DUI"t: The road home from the bar. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Immi"grants": Foreigners who come to America looking for a handout from our government. (Rush Limbaugh, New York; Mary Lou French, Lorton) "Pa"ternity: The painfully long time between the birth and the court-ordered blood test. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Lu"men": A measure of dimness. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Ro"man"ce: Nice shoes. Let's have sex. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring) Hu"bris": The belief that one is a cut above everyone else. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Or"gas"m: A ruined intimate moment. (Julie Brinkman, Gaithersburg) "Barf"ly: A certain type of guy who tries to pick you up at a drinking establishment. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Ca"nada": A place where there is nothing to do. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Chia"nti: Wine that will grow hair on your chest. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Uncomfor"table": Describing the lethal-injection gurney in Terre Haute. (Chuck Piasecki, Wheaton) Phil"and"erer: A guy for whom just one woman isn't enough. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Au"toe"roticism: Fetishism for one's own feet. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Vichy"SS"oise: The soup Nazi's special blend. (Chris Doyle, Burke) S"cat"ology: Kitty porn. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Style In"vita"tional: Something you should not include on a résumé. (Russell Beland, Springfield) H"um"or: Jokes that fall flat. (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.)) Ho"meow"ner: The feline who rules the abode. (John Drummond, Alexandria) Carb"uncle": An unwanted appendage the Czar had removed. (Hamdi Akar, Broad Run; Jerry Dunietz and Penni Meador, Rockville) The Mary Ann Madden Memorial Highfalutin Pick: "Biopsy"chosocial: Purporting to be a modern broad approach, it's just the same old narrow approach to patient care. (Bob Gillman, Chevy Chase) ====================================================================== WEEK 410, published July 15, 2001 Week LXXVII (410): Ask Backwards Wynken, Blynken and God A micro-softener A dart, a heart and Jean-Paul Sartre Zurich, Paris and Dumfries Shortly after brain death Ariel Sharon but not Sharon Stone Anyone but Mike Tyson Christine Toad Whitman Anything but bib overalls A prehensile nose Fascism, Communism and soft-boiled eggs Because it's funny This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more. First-prize winner receives a block of suckable hard candy in which there is an embedded grasshopper and what appears to be an insect's egg sac. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXVII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, July 23. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Joseph Romm of Washington. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXIII (406), in which we asked you to give spectacularly bad advice to people in one of several categories. Third Runner-Up: To a boy going out on his first date: If you don't ogle other girls, your date is going to think you are gay.(Russell Beland, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: To newlyweds after their first fight: Hold her hand gently and tell her that the best way to make up is with a romantic dinner, which, if she gets started right now, she can have finished by the time you get home from bowling. (Michael W. Oakes, Reston) First Runner-Up: To seniors trying to come up with a theme for their dinner dance: A tribute to Charles M. Schulz. Have Woodstock balloons, Charlie Brown party favors, and music by Snoop Dogg. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) And the winner of the flatulent stuffed dog: To a kid going off to summer camp: "Leaves of three, good T.P." (David Moore, Bowie) Honorable Mentions: To a boy heading off on his first date: Call her up beforehand to ask her what she is wearing, so you'll know if your shoes will match her purse. (Marleen May, Rockville) Every schmo buys flowers or chocolates. A catfish, now that's something she'll remember. (John Kammer, Herndon) Let her know you are hip to the latest lingo. Call her "phat." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) To a kid heading off to summer camp: If you have trouble passing the beginner swim test, sneak out in the middle of the night and practice when there is no one there to laugh at you. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia; Judith Cottrill, New York) Spell out the last word of every sentence, as in "Hey, want to get something to E-A-T?" It will become your trademark. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) If you go skinny dipping, make sure you tell everyone where you stashed your clothes, just in case you forget. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) If the other kids give you any trouble, tell them to back off because your father is the chief of staff to the deputy undersecretary of transportation. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A bear cub on its own in the wild is probably lost. If you find one, pick it up and take it to a counselor. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) To newlyweds after their first fight: Your old girlfriend probably knows you the best, so you should give her a call and ask her to try to explain things to your wife. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Be sure to write down everything he said so you can throw it back in his face each night just before bed. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Hold her mother hostage; she'll come around. (Tammy Shulman, Rockville) Nothing says "I'm sorry" like a bottle of Scotch. (Jonas Tavela, Washington) Have children right away. It will make things mellow out. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington; Russell Beland, Springfield) Why not sort it out on Jerry Springer; he seems like a good arbitrator. (Greg Pickens, Washington; Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Potomac Falls) To George W. Bush about to deal with a Democratic Senate: Do what you want. Remember that you are in charge. You can always fire them. (Russell Beland, Springfield) They appreciate genuineness. Write your own speeches without any help from those advisers or writers. Even better, just ad lib it. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) To a guy about to buy his first new car: Don't just take the undercoating. Insist on double undercoating. (Sam Bruce, Manassas; Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington; Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) You want to make a good impression on the sales staff, so dress as expensively as possible. Look professional. In fact, even if you are not a doctor, wear a stethoscope. (Brian E. Foster, Fairfax) Salespeople don't want to waste time with people who are not going to buy, so early on you should let them know you are serious by pointing excitedly and saying something like, "I must have that car -- no other will do." (Marleen May, Rockville; Russell Beland, Springfield) D.C. isn't really the South. You don't need A.C. (Jim Senft, Silver Spring) It's customary to tip the salesman 15 percent. (Jeff Seigle,Vienna; Bob Sorensen, Herndon; Mike Genz, La Plata) Check the finish by dragging a key across the hood. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Get to know your car before you buy it. When you go for the test drive, make sure you keep it a few days at least; they expect that. (Jeff Seigle, Vienna) Orange is a chick magnet. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) To senior citizens trying to come up with a theme for their dance: Call it "The Last Dance." (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg) "Come Toward the Light" Night. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Strangers in the Night -- Or Is It Just Cataracts?" (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) ====================================================================== WEEK 411, published July 22, 2001 Week LXXVIII (411): X's and Oaths Old pledge: Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night shall stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. New pledge: They will try to deliver the mail without offing no one, okay? This Week's Contest was proposed by Russell Beland of Springfield, who was recently reading the Hippocratic Oath and discovered just how goofy it is. It swears allegiance to "all the gods and goddesses," pledges never to perform surgery, particularly (for some reason) in cases of kidney stones, and promises to love the sons of your teachers as you would love your own. Russ suggests you take any oath, pledge, declaration or slogan and update it, as in the example above. First-prize winner gets a really spiffy Jesse Jackson mask, with seemingly real hair, a value of $30. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXVIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, July 31. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXIV (407), in which we asked you to construct "Tom Swiftly" witticisms that use appropriate adverbs to modify adjectives. Many people did not quite get this one. No, "staggeringly drunk" is not remotely clever. "Wretchedly drunk" is. Fourth Runner-Up: I hear Dick Cheney is depressed after his recent medical problem -- he's only halfheartedly involved in his work.(Sandra Segal, Rockville) Third Runner-Up: Did you hear about the shocking vandalism committed during Martha Stewart's lawn party? Her house was devilishly egged. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Second Runner-Up: My maw fixes my socks. She's purty darn special. (Inger Pettygrove, Charlottesville) First Runner-Up: My family was so poor, we all had to share one baseball glove. Our games were only intermittently enjoyable. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And the winner of the country store display of fishing lures: Let's face it, good oxymorons are plenty scarce. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Honorable Mentions: What did the prune say? I'm plum dried up! (Chris Doyle, Burke) No one could find baby Jessica. She was well hidden. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Why are Log Cabin Republicans conflicted? Because they're outright straitlaced. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Did you hear about the Civil War soldier who had both legs amputated without anesthesia? He was soundly defeated. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Steak tartare is rarely enjoyable. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Did you hear about the accountant who couldn't add? He was summarily dismissed. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) "I believe in restrained, economical speech; I never like to use the same vowel twice in the same word," he said, facetiously abstemious. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) How does he look in his new toupee? Ruggedly handsome. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to Viagra? These days, he's hardly seen in public. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Did you survive the enema? Yes, but it was fleetingly uncomfortable. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The first writers used chisel and stone. Today's writers use computers. Ink was invented penultimately. (Mike Genz, La Plata) "Why can't I get a date?" the girl kept wondering, doggedly curious. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) On the eve of her gender reassignment surgery, Christine was predictably excited. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Nate went to a lawyer seeking legal protection for his invention, the fork. The attorney turned him down, saying his attempt would be patently absurd. (Mike Genz, La Plata) The new chairman of the finance committee is inappropriately tightfisted. (The Sparrow family, Springfield) Joe: I'm mad at my barber. My haircut is okay, but when I comb it from the other side, it doesn't look right. Moe: Well, you're partly to blame. (Jeff Seigle, Vienna) Did you hear about the guy who stood in front of the Zamboni demanding free hockey tickets? He was flatly refused. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Gore has become alarmingly pro-gun. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Poultry farmers have found that removing the beaks of chickens makes them easier to deal with. They suddenly become impeccably well behaved. (Dina Feivelson, New York) That depends on what the meaning of "is" is, the president declared parsimoniously. (Vance Garnett, Washington) "They billed us for an extra 12 dozen mangos," complained the store manager. "We were grossly overcharged!" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Sue entered the limbo contest because she was musically inclined. (Judith Cottrill, New York) When the Wienermobile overturned on the Beltway, causing hour-long delays, many commuters were frankly annoyed. (Rob Balder, Alexandria) Marcus: So, O.J., I hear you are going to marry Nicole. O.J.: Yep, she is strikingly beautiful. (Ned Bent, Herndon) The proctologist's questions were open-endedly vague. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the Mary Ann Madden memorial hifalutin pick: Bitsy's mother and father could afford the finest boarding school, which left her only inchoately prepared for life. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 412, published July 29, 2001 Week LXXIX (412): Painful Climaxes "I swear, as long as I am able to draw a breath . . . I shall never suffocate." "Ich bin ein . . . President of the United States." This Week's Contest was proposed by Russell Beland of Springfield, who recently found himself reflecting on the thudding anticlimax that is Yale's college chant:"For God! For Country! For . . . Yale." Russell suggests that we come up with statements that start really dramatically, but leave you sorta flat at the end. You can tinker with a historical statement, or craft one completely anew. First-prize winner gets an antique box of 1,000 of those toothpicks with colorful plastic frills, a $20 value. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXIX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, August 6. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phyllis Kepner of Columbia. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXV (408), in which we asked you to find messages by mining the letters of a politician's name. Our prize selection might provoke some grumbles. In anticipation of complaints about favoritism and arrogance, we remind you: The Style Invitational is the world's last pure meritocracy. Humor is our only criterion; we leave it to others to celebrate diversity. In short, we are neither arrogant nor elitist, and it is time you rabble understood that. For what it's worth, more than 40 people converted GARY CONDIT into "I did it." Fourth Runner-Up: BORIS YELTSIN -- Obese boss. Bottle is bliss. Elitist? Nyet. Beets, not brie. Blotto, not sober. Rosy nostrils. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Third Runner-Up: FIDEL CASTRO -- Red isle toddler cast off raft, drifted. Disaster at sea, fatalities. Tot is freed. Soldier's tactics terrified toddler. Tears telecast. It creates a tiff. Oratories said. Tot is doled to Dad. Crisis closed. Dictator is elated. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Second Runner-Up: ERNEST HOLLINGS -- Loser T-shirts, eh? Let's see. The eeriest thing here is to sort the letters in "Ernest Hollings" so he's sent reeling to the right; i.e., re-engineer the genteel Ernest into the hellish SEN. TRENT LOTT! (Chris Doyle, Burke) First Runner-Up: RASPUTIN -- A Russian spin artist, I assist Tsars in straits. I taunt Tatar upstarts, usurp Asian satraps, stun Prussian pissants. Upstairs, I unsnap pants as a rapt Tsarina stirs, purrs, strips. Pit-a-pat! An assassin sprints in. Rat-a-tat! In pain, I pass. RIP Rasputin. (P.S., Anastasia's in Paris.) (Chris Doyle, Burke) And the winner of the Elvis doll: JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY -- Fiddledy diddledy Johnny F. Kennedy Hero at thirty-three, hat in the ring. Idol, Lothario, egalitarian Rake or a leader? Joker or king?(Chris Doyle, Burke) Honorable Mentions: GARY CONDIT: Dirty cad trying to act tidy. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) GARY CONDIT: Trying to go incognito. (Daniel Horner, Washington) GARY CONDIT: Actor in tragic irony. (Bev Barth, Prince Frederick) RUDY GIULIANI: A darling, dandy, grand guy running NY a la La Guardia? Nay, a niggling, galling, arguing, railing lug ruining NY. (Chris Doyle, Burke) MICHAEL BLOOMBERG: Marc Rich? Hell, I'm richer. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) RALPH NADER: He rear-ended Al. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) PATRICK BUCHANAN: Ich bin butt-brain. (Adam Elfenbein, Arlington) OSAMA BIN LADEN: Dabbles in abominable misdeeds. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) KIM IL SUNG: Milk? Guns. (Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.) RUDY GIULIANI: An ailing gland. (Chris Doyle, Burke) PIERRE TRUDEAU: Adieu, dapper dude. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) RICHARD M. NIXON: I had no charm. (Russell Beland, Springfield) GERALD FORD: Good golfer? Egad! FORE! Dodge! Dog felled. Deer offed. Real fear. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) HARRY TRUMAN: Mantra: Truth. (Judith Cottrill, New York) MOSHE DAYAN: Some say he's a Mossad demon and madman. Nonsense. He's a Dead Sea dynamo, a one-eyed handsome man. (Chris Doyle, Burke) HAROLD STASSEN: Ran, lost. Ran, lost. Ran, lost. Also-ran; lost. Also-ran; lost. Also-ran; lost. (Roy Ashley, Washington) MADONNA: A man, a mood, a moan. A mom? Damn! (Les Finster, Washington) BORIS YELTSIN: Notoriety, not sobriety. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) DOCTOR KEVORKIAN: Kook took no advice. (William E. Bradford, Washington) FIDEL CASTRO: Fearless leader of little isle, lots of classic cars. (J.J. McCullough, Coquitlam, B.C.) ED KOCH: Heck, he'd do OK. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) ====================================================================== WEEK 413, published August 5, 2001 Week LXXX (413): Bland Ambition 1. Climb Mount Vernon 2. Meet Billy Ripken 3. Work to Achieve Peace in the Midwest 4. Save the common mosquito from extinction 5. Read "Pat the Bunny" 6. Learn to play the kazoo This Week's Contest is to come up with one or more items from an underachiever's list of midlife resolutions. This contest, trumpeting the virtues of modest expectations, was suggested by Dave Zarrow of Herndon, whose letterhead, we point out with no intended irony, proclaims himself "The World's Funniest Office Products Dealer." First-prize winner gets a fancy framed photo of the epic 1971 meeting between Richard Nixon and Elvis Presley, a value of $30. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 13. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXVI (409), in which we asked you to take something that might need an image boost, and come up with a nicer name for it. But first, an important announcement: Today Jennifer Hart of Arlington steps into history beside Sandra Day O'Connor, Indira Gandhi, Marie Curie, Golda Meir and other women who dared challenge their society's destructive assumptions about gender and competence. With her published entries number 499 and 500, Ms. Hart today becomes the first woman to enter The Style Invitational Hall of Fame, invading the previously all-male bastion consisting of Chuck Smith of Woodbridge. Back to the contest. Many folks proposed that a nicer name for the Montreal Expos or Tampa Bay Devil Rays would be "The Washington Senators." Fourth Runner-Up: Old name: Polyester. Nicer name: Dinosaur-based natural fabrics. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Third Runner-Up: Old name: Jihad. Nicer name: Faith-based initiative. (Nate Foster and Dan Kerr-Hobert, Berryville) Second Runner-Up: Old name: Slobodan Milosevic. Nicer name: Shecky Milosevic. (John Cogburn, Southlake, Tex.) First Runner-Up: Old name: Gary, Indiana. Nicer name: Garrett Indiana III. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) And the winner of the National Republican Senatorial Committee 1984 Christmas cards: Old name: The Ten Commandments. Nicer name: The Ten Suggestions for Highly Successful People. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: Old name: I-95. Nicer name: Meadowlark Lane. (Barbara Holland, Bluemont, Va.) Old name: Slugs. Nicer name: Escarnot. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Old name: Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. Nicer name: Ronald Reagan Washington Ronald Reagan National Reagan Washington Ronald Airport. (Bob Barr, Smyrna, Ga.; Russell Beland, Springfield) Old name: Carjacking. Nicer name: Ride-sharing. (Eric Bennet, Stephens City, Va.) Old name: Colonoscopy. Nicer name: Getting to know your inner self. (Katherine Rettke, Bethesda) Old name: Hell. Nicer name: South Heaven. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Old name: Sammy "The Bull" Gravano. Nicer name: Douglas Johnson. (Mrs. Douglas Johnson, Laramie Wyo.; Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.) Old name: Satan. Nicer name: His Supreme Naughtiness. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Old name: Idaho. Nicer name: Udaman. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Old name: Four-putting. Nicer name: Keeping the ball rolling. (Sophie J. Kunze, Perth, Australia) Old name: Gary Patishnock. Nicer name: Pat Ishnock. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Old name: Autopsy. Nicer name: Final exam. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Old name: Lie detector. Nicer name: Truth affirmer. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Old name: Myanmar. Nicer name: Burma. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Old name: New Jersey. Nicer name: Olde Jerseytowne. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) Old name: Tapeworms. Nicer name: No-mess pets. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Old name: Typhoid Mary. Nicer name: Typhoid Tiffani. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Old name: Telemarketers. Nicer name: Family mealtime extenders. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Old name: Menstruation. Nicer name: Pumping iron. (Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.) Old name: Coma. Nicer name: Power nap. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir N.C.) Old name: White House intern. Nicer name: Midlife crisis therapist. (Bonnie Olson, Reston) Old name: Senility. Nicer name: Getting in touch with your inner child. (Katherine Rettke, Bethesda) Old name: Flatulence. Nicer name: Wind poem. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Old name: Leper. Nicer name: Body performance artist. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Old name: Newark, N.J. Nicer name: Newark-on-Hudson. (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn) Old name: Termites. Nicer name: Munchkins. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Old name: Cockeysville. Nicer name: Not Cockeysville. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Old name: Red-light district. Nicer name: Women's Enterprise Zone. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Old name: Exploding manholes. Nicer name: XTreme Tiddlywinks. (Alan Haeberle, Silver Spring) Old name: Urban sprawl. Nicer name: Suburban infill. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Old name: Mold and mildew. Nicer name: Porcelain bonsai. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Old name: Lethal injection. Nicer name: A real shot in the arm. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Old name: Traffic jam. Nicer name: Road rage containment area. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Old name: Lyme Disease. Nicer name: Lemon and lime disease. (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington) Old name: Suspect. Nicer name: Not a suspect. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) ====================================================================== WEEK 414, published August 12, 2001 Week LXXXI (414): No Rest for the Query Is that your -------- or -------------------? This Week's Contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Stephen has always been fascinated by the subtleties of rhetorical questioning, as practiced by Plutarch and perfected by Shakespeare ("If you prick us, do we not bleed . . .?") Stephen is a particular fan of the rhetorical form embodied in the classic question: "Is that your head or did your neck just puke?" That's the contest. Complete the sentence above by filling in the blanks. Yes, it must be a put-down. First-prize winner gets a copy of the 1954 George Washington University Medical School yearbook, a publication that would be of no particular note except for its name. It is "The Speculum." (Also, it contains a photo of the school's eminent neurology professor Walter Freeman, who years later would gain some renown as the half-mad king of the ice-pick lobotomy.) First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXXI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 20. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXVIII (410), in which we supplied 12 "Jeopardy!" answers, and asked you to come up with the appropriate questions. Fourth Runner-Up: Answer: Christine Toad Whitman. Question: Which politician was squashed because of her middle-of-the-road policies?(Jol Silversmith, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Answer: Zurich, Paris and Dumfries. Question: What line won't you find beneath a Chanel Boutique sign? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Second Runner-Up: Answer: Zurich, Paris and Dumfries: What places are associated with three peace conferences, two peace accords, and five-piece chicken meals? (Kyle Bonney, Fairfax) First Runner-Up: Answer: Christine Toad Whitman. Question: In whose office would you not want to be a fly on the wall? (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) And the winner of the insect-imbedded candy: Answer: A prehensile nose. Question: What is helpful when you are grasping at straws? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: A PREHENSILE NOSE What is featured in "Pornocchio"? (Mark Young, Washington) What evolutionary adaptation would help humans develop better scratch 'n' sniff skills? (Stephen Hahn, College Park) SHORTLY AFTER BRAIN DEATH When does HMO catastrophic coverage kick in? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) When will Dick Cheney admit he has a serious heart problem? (Walter Ludwig, Takoma Park; Jack Welsch and Sugar Strawn, Alexandria) ANYTHING BUT BIB OVERALLS What should you wear to a West Virginia wedding so as to avoid duplicating the outfit of the mother of the bride? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) ANYONE BUT MIKE TYSON After an introduction, to whom can you safely say, "You mean, like the chicken?" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) During his seventh interview with the police, with whom did Gary Condit finally admit he'd consider having an affair? (Bett Parchert, Alexandria) To whom would the expression "I'm all ears" be safely directed? (David H. Balaban, Charlottesville) CHRISTINE TOAD WHITMAN What ex-governor do Republicans like, warts and all? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Sandra Hull, Arlington) For which member of a Republican administration is it not easy being green? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Cathy Smith Caviness, Clifton) Who jumps when Bush says jump? (Stu Solomon, Springfield) FASCISM, COMMUNISM AND SOFT-BOILED EGGS Name three things that once were thought to be good for people. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) What are three things that are best taken with a grain of salt? (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Name three things involving a yoke. (Ted Einstein, Silver Spring) What are three things that don't deserve more than three minutes of our attention? (Pete Hughes, Alexandria) WYNKEN, BLYNKEN AND GOD Which fishermen got all the herring? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) What is read to you just before the Really Big Sleep? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) ZURICH, PARIS AND DUMFRIES What cities are included in the "buy two, get one free" vacation package? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What cities are about six hours from Washington during the morning rush? (Chris Doyle, Burke) What cities are grouped together about as often as Bordeaux, Burgundy and Ovaltine? (Russell Beland, Springfield) ARIEL SHARON BUT NOT SHARON STONE Who was always taught to keep their Knesset together? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Who absolutely forbids public inspection of their sensitive areas? (Jerry Dunietz and Penni Meador, Rockville) A HEART, A DART AND JEAN-PAUL SARTRE What causes you to cry, get a bull's-eye, then wonder why? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) What are three things that rhyme with "fartre"? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; Chris Doyle, Burke) A MICRO-SOFTENER What is it called when a female pygmy shrew says to a male pygmy shrew, "That's all you've got?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What should you add to the water when you wash Windows? (Chris Doyle, Burke) BECAUSE IT IS FUNNY Why is the nickname for Frances no longer Fanny? (Cathy Shapleigh, Reston) ====================================================================== WEEK 415, published August 19, 2001 Week LXXXII (415): Sentence Us to Death Sentence taken from today's Post: A soft touch is needed here, not a sledgehammer. Question it answers: If you are a panhandler, what is the wiser strategy for obtaining money -- trying to gently persuade sympathetic passersby of your genuine need, or urging them to smash you in the head with a huge, blunt object? This Week's Contest reprises one of our favorite contests of the past. Take any sentence appearing anywhere in today's Washington Post, and invent a question that it answers. The example above is taken from today's Ann Landers column. First-prize winner receives a 1965 commemorative plate with the worst likenesses of the presidents we have ever seen. James A. Garfield looks like Charles Manson, John Quincy Adams looks like Mini-Me, James K. Polk looks like an ostrich and Thomas Jefferson looks like Mamie Eisenhower. This is worth $50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to the Style Invitational, Week LXXXII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 27. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phyllis Kepner of Columbia. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXVIII (411), in which we asked you to update any pledge, oath, declaration or slogan. Second Runner-Up -- Old Avis slogan: We're Number 2. We try harder. New Avis slogan: Okay, so 39 years later we're still Number 2. No biggie. (Mike Genz, La Plata) First Runner-Up -- Old declaration: If you cannot afford an attorney, the court will appoint one for you at no cost. New declaration: The mouthpiece is on the house. He is 24 years old. He makes $17 an hour. Good luck. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) And the winner of the Jesse Jackson mask: Old slogan: Come to Marlboro Country. New slogan: Come toward the light. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: Old Communist Party slogan: Workers of the world, unite. You have nothing to lose but your chains. New Communist Party slogan: Hey, losers! Our party is looking for farmhands. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Old Communist Party slogan: From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs. New Communist Party slogan: Our slogans are better but we don't pay as well.(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Old oath: Gadzooks! New oath: #$&!*! (Tony Hope, Washington) Old declaration: Never send to know for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee. New declaration: Don't ask whose cell phone is ringing. It could be yours. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Old Hippocratic oath: First, do no harm. New Hippocratic oath: First, get the insurance billing information. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Old slogan: Ace is the place for the helpful hardware man. New slogan: Ace is the place that's being bankrupted by Home Depot. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Old slogan: The best part of waking up is Folger's in your cup. New slogan: The best part of waking up is having a job, house, family, health, a car that runs, money in the bank, clothes on your back, respect, love, friends, food on the table, nice neighbors, a decent health plan, an adequate retirement fund, an honest mechanic, low interest on your mortgage and then, maybe then, Folger's. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Old slogan: Visa. It's everywhere you want to be. New slogan: Visa. It's everywhere you want to be. (Scary, isn't it?) (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Old declaration: You have the right to remain silent . . . New declaration: You are so busted . . . (Blair Richardson, McLean) Old Texaco slogan: You can trust your car to the man who wears the star. New Texaco slogan: Come on in for some chips and soda. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Old Clinton slogan: It's the economy, stupid. New Clinton slogan: It's integrity? Really? (Mike Genz, La Plata) Old Carlisle, Pa., slogan: Summer home of the Redskins. New Carlisle, Pa., slogan: Not far from Harrisburg. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Old motto: We will sell no wine before its time. New motto: The vintage? You do realize this is printed on the side of a gallon jug, right? (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Old Hippocratic oath: Whatever, in connection with my professional practice I see or hear, that ought not to be spoken of abroad, I will not divulge. New Hippocratic oath: The plaster cast we made of your genitalia while you were anesthetized for your ear operation was retained solely for the amusement of our staff. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Old New York motto: Excelsior! New New York motto: Styrofoam peanuts! (Al Toner, Arlington) Old declaration: We find the defendant not guilty. New declaration: We find the defendant famous. (Rebecca Short, Washington) Old Eastern Airlines motto: The wings of man. New Eastern Airlines motto: The wings of an ostrich. (Ted Einstein, Silver Spring) Old motto: A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. New motto: A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful but not gay, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 416, published August 26, 2001 Week LXXXIII (416): Diff'rent Jokes "If Betsy Ross had been a man . . ." This week's contest: How might things have been different if a famous person -- living or dead -- had been: 1) of the opposite gender; 2) of a different nationality; 3) really, really stupid; or 4) a dog, living in a world of dogs? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a set of really nice metal coasters from the Rotary Club International and a genuine Don Ho drinking glass from the Polynesian Palace Hotel in Waikiki Beach and an orange polyester necktie purchased in a Marriott Hotel gift shop. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXXIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 2. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXIX (412), in which we asked you to take any famous line and ruin it by ending it with a thud. Fourth Runner-Up: Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth who happens to have a fatal disease. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Third Runner-Up: In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth, and it was nice. A little on the schlocky side maybe, but still, what's not to like? (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by their scores on standardized tests. (Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.) First Runner-Up: I am not a crook, per se. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) And the winner of the antique box of 1,000 frilly toothpicks: Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee. Moby, I've had it up to HERE with you. (Cynthia Coe and Ray Aragon, Bethesda) Honorable Mentions: Ask not what your country can do for you, you selfish bastards. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) That's one small step for man, one giant leap for dwarf or child, or very small woman. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke; Greg Arnold, Herndon) I float like a butterfly and sting like a hemorrhoid. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the Lord said, "Phew." (Judith E. Cottrill, New York) All hope abandon ye who enter here, so get used to it. (Chris Doyle, Burke) And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou are cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life; and havest thou a nice day. (Chris Doyle, Burke) The mass of men lead lives of quiet respiration. (Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.) Gentlemen may cry, "Peace! Peace!" but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, I'd suggest a pilot group examine the feasibility of a commission to study the matter. (Jim W. Pond, Holliston, Mass.) Russia is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Plus, it's colder than a brass outhouse seat. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) I think, therefore I have thoughts. (Mike Genz, La Plata) . . . and will to the best of my ability preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, so help me Rhonda. (Hank Wallace, Washington) What do we want? Freedom. When do we want it? With all deliberate speed. (Hank Wallace, Washington) Don't fire until you see the hair in their noses. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Hail, Caesar. We who are about to die say, "buh-bye." Wave, everybody. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. And man, the stories I could tell. But this is neither the time nor place. Now, what was the question? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) That which does not kill me makes me stronger. That which does kill me makes me dead. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Mike Byars, Bethesda) Revenge is a dish best served cold, like gazpacho. (Cynthia Coe and Ray Aragon, Bethesda) If not us, who? If not now, when? If not here, where? If not this, what? If not because, why? If not . . . (Mike Byars, Bethesda) Neither a borrower nor a lender be, unless the interest rate is favorable. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Better a season as a lion than a lifetime as a sheep. On the other hand, you could split the difference and spend a few years as a kangaroo. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) ====================================================================== WEEK 417, published September 2, 2001 Week LXXXIV (417): Initially Mistaken Invitational: I Never Venture In. Taste aside, the immature offerings nauseate all literati. Albert Gore: Attacked, lacerated, beaten, eviscerated, robed: The gang? O'Connor, Rehnquist, etc. SUV: Somersaults Upon Vacationing. This Week's Contest is a game that we're pretty sure we just invented. Take any name of a person or thing, and construct an appropriate message using its letters, in order, as the first letters of the words of your message. First-prize winner gets a genuine extremely imitation jade scorpion given to us by promoters of the new Woody Allen film, "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion," in the hope of bribing us into saying nice things about this feeble little failure. (They keep sending us this stuff. Isn't that great?) First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXXIV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 10. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXX (413), in which we asked you to supply items for an underachiever's midlife list of goals. The contest had been proposed by Dave Zarrow of Herndon, whom we incorrectly identified as "The World's Funniest Office Products Dealer." Mrs. Dave wrote in to ask us to correct this error. On his letterhead, she said, Dave proclaims himself only America's Funniest Office Products Dealer. Apparently, there is a stapler salesman in Helsinki who is a total hoot. Anyway, this contest generated a huge response, which meant many worthy duplications, including: Find Waldo; circumnavigate the Beltway; visit London, Ont.; Paris, Tex.; Vienna, Va.; etc.; and, of course, become America's second funniest office products dealer. Seventh Runner-Up -- Memorize the capitals of all the letters.(Mark Updike, Crownsville) Sixth Runner-Up -- Write the great American thank-you note. (Gary Joseff, Reston) Fifth Runner-Up -- Live every moment like it is my next. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fourth Runner-Up -- Get a black belt in Hecht's. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; P.J. Siegel, Greenbelt) Third Runner-Up -- Make Love to a Playboy centerfold, without injuring myself on the staple. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Second Runner-Up -- Defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of Candy Land. (Elliott Schiff, Orefield, Pa.) First Runner-Up -- Win the admiration of my dog. (Jean Lightner Norum, Charlottesville) And the winner of the framed photo of Elvis and Nixon: Marry the like of my life. (Gail Fiorini, Reston) Honorable Mentions: Track down, buy, and then completely restore a 1993 Honda Accord. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) Find out why in tarnation we don't call it "Congrefs" anymore. (S. Thurmond, Charleston, S.C.; J.J. Gertler, Arlington) Figure out how to turn off that stupid animated paper clip. (Ken April, Arlington) Refuse to pay a lot for this muffler. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Buy a pair of cargo pants and use every single pocket. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Seduce Congressman Condit. (Dierdre Bond, Silver Spring) Prevent the resurgence of the Whig party. (Greg Pearson, Arlington) Run behind the bulls at Pamplona. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Become the next Mrs. Joey Buttafuoco. (P.J. Siegel, Greenbelt) Finally meet that "You've Got Mail" guy. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Make a hole in one, through the windmill and into the dinosaur's mouth. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Get a star officially named after myself. (Mike Genz, La Plata; Russell Beland, Springfield) Read the Cliffs Notes to every great work of fiction. (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) Amass a vast Fortune magazine collection. (Noah Meyerson, Washington) Get to second base with a prostitute. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Lloyd Duvall, Rosslyn) Be the best-dressed person in the unemployment line. (Matt, Steve and Chris Reali, Bowie) Dare to drink milk that is past its expiration date. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Invent a better placebo. (Larry Riedman, Montgomery Village) Take the Pepsi challenge. (David White, Fredericksburg) Meet someone who caught a foul ball at a Major League Baseball game. (Stephen Samuels, Washington) Make a major motion picture -- the Saturday matinee, if possible. (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) End hunger in my aquarium. (Jean Lightner Norum, Charlottesville) Forget how to ride a bike. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Prove conclusively that Richard Nixon wasn't Deep Throat. (Nick Laflamme, Washington) Climb to the top of the Vietnam Memorial. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Have one damn beer without getting arrested. (J. and B. Bush, Austin, Tex.; Joe Kobylski, Gaithersburg) Everyone talks about watching paint dry, but . . . (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) Have an affair with a man who doesn't mind my D-cup. (Sue Finger, Falls Church) Figure out how to pat head and rub tummy simultaneously. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Sneak into FBI headquarters and steal some guns and a hard drive or two. (Steve Gadd, Reston) Learn to spell Mryanmnar. (Cathy Shapleigh, Reston) Get perfect strangers to call you by your first name on the telephone without an introduction. (Dick Kovar, Reston) Use that scary extra lane on Connecticut Avenue during rush hour. (William Joyhner, Chapel Hill, N.C.) Buy low. Sell medium. (James Pierce, Charlottesville) Finally make the pilgrimage to see the birthplace of Elvis Grbac, in Cleveland. (Ron Nelson, Silver Spring) Teach an illiterate child to do the Macarena. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria; Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Wait until it is safe to turn off the computer. (John Muehl, Springfield) Reverse-engineer the Chinese finger trap. (Roy Ashley, Washington). Qualify for 8 free weeks of Washington Post daily delivery. (Debby Tait, Alice Walz, Adele Roy, Mary Beth Oelkers-Keegan, Colonial Beach, Va.) ====================================================================== WEEK 418, published September 9, 2001 Week LXXXV (418): Xtreme Invitational Sign you are spending too much time at work: You think that putting headlights on a lawn mower might be a great idea. Signs you are spending too much time:(1) at work; (2) watching TV; (3) on your cell phone; (4) online This Week's Contest was suggested by Greg Arnold of Herndon: Come up with signs you are overdoing it in any of the categories above. First-prize winner gets a handsome brass and velvet award from the police department of Bangladesh, a value of $75. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXXV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 17. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXXI (414), in which we asked you to create new, nasty rhetorical questions in the form of the classic put-down "Is that your face, or did your neck just puke?" This week, a Style Invitational first: We have judged the contest, and selected four runners-up and a winner. But we aren't telling you what they are. This was an idea submitted by James H. Cochrane of Falls Church, who contends that we always choose the wrong winners. James challenged us to withhold our choices, ask the readers' opinions, and then do a statistical analysis afterward, using spreadsheets and standard deviations and such, to gauge the disparity between popular sentiment and the Czar's autocratic rule. So that's what we're doing. We have hermetically sealed our choices in a capsule under the supervision of someone whose relative works for Pricewaterhouse. You have one week to fax or e-mail us your choices for the four runners-up and the winner. (You cannot vote for your own entry.) Fax to 202-334-4312; e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Put VOTE in the subject field.) And in the end, we will publish the democratically chosen selections of our beloved readers, beside the selection of one individual, The Czar. The Czar's choices, of course, will be the official ones. Winners, Runners-Up and Honorable Mentions: Is that your final answer, or are you still holding out hope that a brain will suddenly grow at the end of your spinal cord? (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) Is that your dog, or shall I call an exterminator? (Greg Pearson, Arlington) Is that your cooking, or has the prison cafeteria started doing takeout? (Greg Pearson, Arlington) Is that your president, or did the Supreme Court just puke? (Tom Campbell, Chicago) Is that your taste in art, or was one of those sofa-size crying clowns just too darn expensive? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Is that your waistline, or are you smuggling illegal immigrants in your pants? (Jessica Henig, Takoma Park) Is that your nose, or are you just glad to smell me? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Is that your carefully considered position on the inconclusiveness of the scientific evidence of global warming and the dwindling supply of petroleum reserves, or your SUV? (John Muehl, Springfield) Is that your real age, or have we abandoned the use of Earth years? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Is that a snapshot of your wife at the beach, or has the Mars Polar Lander finally started sending back pictures? (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax) Is that your paycheck, or your share of the tip? (Cathy Shapleigh, Reston) Is this your regular job, or did the judge give you community service? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Is that your toupee, or did you just lose a Silly String battle? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Is that your necktie, or did your girlfriend let go of your leash? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Is that your boyfriend, or does your pimp drive a Geo? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Is that your wife, or did you try your hand at ice sculpture? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Is that your engagement ring, or did a chunk of glass get embedded in your fist during a Ladies Night brawl at the tractor pull? (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Is that your actual weight, or did you fill out your driver's license form while tethered to a blimp? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Is that your column, or did the million chimps in the typing pool call in sick last week? (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Is that your face or a Xerox of somebody else's? (Christine Gerbode, Houston) Is that your car, or is this the day you leave the recycling at the curb? (David Kleinbard, Jersey City, N.J.) Is that really the color of your eyes, or did your snot back up on you? (Judith Cottrill, Bronx, N.Y.) Is that your engagement ring, or one of them fancy Band-Aids? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Is that your wedding dress, or did you decide to wear the garment bag instead? (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Is that your biological clock ticking, or at your age does one's pacemaker get noisy? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Is that your PMS talking, or are you always a shrew? (The late Russell Beland, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 419, published September 16, 2001 Week LXXXVI (419): Don't Spare the Rodney I tell you, I don't get no respect. Even lepers won't shake my hand. I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. When I was a kid I got no respect. One time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note: "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again." This Week's Contest was proposed by Bruce W. Alter of Fairfax Station. Bruce lifted the lines above from Rodney Dangerfield's Web site. Your challenge this week is to come up with other indications that one might not be getting no respect. First-prize winner gets two books: "The Worst-Case Scenario Travel Survival Handbook," featuring advice on such things as how to escape from the trunk of a car, how to jump from rooftop to rooftop, how to cross a piranha-infested river, and how to control a runaway camel. The second book is "Welcome to Your Facelift," c. 1997, by socialite Helen Bransford. Helen discloses that she decided on this surgery shortly after her husband, the famous twit novelist Jay McInerney, interviewed Julia Roberts, and she (Helen) felt threatened. Not long after she had her face sheared off, stretched out and sewn back on to please him, Jay and Helen split up. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXXVI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 24. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXXII (415), in which we asked you to take any line appearing in that day's Post, and invent a question that it answers. We offer no apologies for the imbalance in the distribution of winning entries. There is a reason for it. You will find more books by Charles Dickens in the library than books by you. There's a reason for that, too. Fourth Runner-Up -- Line from The Post: Does this guy club baby seals? Question it answers: What is thought to be the litmus test for a political appointment in Bush's Interior Department?(Russell Beland, Springfield) Third Runner-Up -- Line from The Post: I don't need that long. Question it answers: What is a poor response to give when your date claims it is too late to invite you up to her apartment? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second Runner-Up -- Line from The Post: Our first courses were artfully composed salads, including Stilton cheese and roasted apricots. Question it answers: Dear Post food critic, what gave it away that you were receiving preferential treatment while trying to review the F Street Popeye's? (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) First Runner-Up -- Line from The Post: It is way over. Question it answers: How does Monica describe her relationship with the former president? (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the plate with terrible likenesses of the presidents: Line from The Post: We gain information, via photons, of distant objects. Question it answers: How does Al Gore challenge the notion that he is too wooden and remote, and that he lacks vision? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: For about three days I kept expecting to have convulsions and then suddenly explode. How did you feel when you ate your new wife's first home-cooked meal? (Penny Barker, Alexandria) Leesburg is considering building a second. Is it true that many rural towns don't have flush toilets? (Russell Beland, Springfield) According to the 2000 Census, Latinos made up 2.8 percent of its population. How did the small town of Latinos, Ga., attempt to increase the amount of federal aid it received? (Russell Beland, Springfield) The appalling Sidney Farte, owner of the local bait store, has perfected the use of projectile vomiting as a weapon. What would be a great sentence to find in Book World the week The Style Invitational runs its "Sentence Us to Death" contest? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) . . . Thomas Jefferson looks like Mamie Eisenhower. Recently there has been some surprising news about Thomas Jefferson's descendants. Can you cite some evidence for some even more unexpected ancestral connection? (Carolyn Bassing, Takoma Park) The infestation runs almost up to Dallas. Where do most Garth Brooks fans live? (G. Daly, Dallas) The snowball has already started to roll, and unless he can do some fancy dancing, he doesn't stand much chance . . . What are Frosty the Snowman's chances in the National Downhill Skiing Championship? (Frank Calogero, Jefferson, Ga.) Included in his country estate are cathedral windows and an indoor pool. Describe the house Bill Gates built for his dog. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) We cleared the bottleneck at Springfield. What is the new, updated version of the expression "We cleaned the Augean stables"? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Florence Henderson was riddled with bullets as she cooked and sang in a sitcom kitchen. Describe a good day in Hell. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Your conscience is talking to you, clap, clap, clap. What is an example of your conscience warning you about the hazards of promiscuous sex? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Your haircut is free if we speak first. What is a sign on the wall of the Ellen Jamesian barbershop? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And she gave me three pubic hairs. Can you explain to the committee one more time, Judge Thomas, about your true love on that third day of Christmas? (Chris Doyle, Burke; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It's great practice for the rest of marriage. What do you think of my fiancee's idea to make the wedding night more special by abstaining from sex for a month? (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) We put beers in it to stay cold -- a mysteriously satisfying way to store beverages. If Dr. Laura has a heart, what purpose could it possibly serve? (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) Today was a great day for scoring. What was Bill Clinton's take on Hillary's first day of campaigning? (Steve Fahey, Kensington) I've told my mom, but do I need to call the police, or what? What did George W. Bush ask Dick Cheney when Jenna told him she had used a fake ID to get drinks at a bar? (Sally Fasman, Washington) What hurts most is having to keep it all inside. What is the worst part of a barium enema? (Frank Calogero, Jefferson, Ga.) I'm not trying to jump to conclusions. What code phrase does a writer use to indicate he is about to jump to a conclusion? (Russell Beland, Springfield) I'm with that. What would be a good slogan for a T-shirt worn by a companion of Gary Condit? (Russell Beland, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 420, published September 23, 2001 Week LXXXVII (420): Ha Anxiety This Week's Contest: Make us laugh. First-prize winner gets a delicate bell emblazoned with the logo of the Prince George's County Police Department. We have no idea to what use this bell is intended to be put, except to note that it is made of glass, and, struck smartly on a desktop, would probably shatter into utilitarian fingernail-size interrogational slivers, if you get our drift. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXXVII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct 1. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brian Foster of Fairfax. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXXIII (416), in which we asked you to explain how things would have been different if a historical figure of your choosing had been of the opposite gender, or a different nationality, or really, really stupid, or a dog, living in a world of dogs. Fifth Runner-Up: If Beatrix Potter had been a man, her book would've started: "Once upon a time there were four little rabbits and their names were Flopsy, Fatso, Fartsy and Zit Boy." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: If Lorena Bobbitt had been a dog, she wouldn't have needed a knife. However, she also would have been "put to sleep." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Third Runner-Up: If Al Gore had been a dog, he would have promised to bury Social Security safely in the back yard. (Ray Aragon and Cindy Coe, Bethesda) Second Runner-Up: If Alan Webb were a Kenyan, he would finally make the varsity this year. (Daniel J. Mauer, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: If Tajikistan's Prime Minister Yakhyo Azimov were Kazakhstani, who would give a crap? (Chris Doyle, Burke) And the winner of the coasters, drinking glass and necktie: If sculptor Gutzon Borglum had been a dog, living in a world of dogs . . .(Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: If they were women: Sigmund Freud would have declared that men look enviously at life savers, pencil sharpeners, holes in doughnuts, etc. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) J. Edgar Hoover could have saved a lot of money on clothes. (Grant Beale, Arlington) Douglas MacArthur would have said, "I'll be back in a jif." (David McAuley, McLean) Muhammad Ali would float like a butterfly and sting like an astringent. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Instead of making an arrest of Pee-wee Herman, police would have made a video. (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) Yasser Arafat? It would have meant one more blind date for me that somebody would swear "Can't miss." (Michael Scott, Arlington) Moe Howard would have disciplined her brother Curly and compatriot Larry Fine with scathing, pithy sarcasm and icy glares of disapproval followed by sensible advice and empathetic encouragement to learn from their mistakes. Mercifully, this did not happen. (William Jacobs, Olney) Jesus would have made sure beforehand that there were enough fishes and loaves to feed all those people, not to mention tartar sauce, brownies, potato salad, green bean casserole, iced tea, cinnamon buns . . . (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Abner Doubleday would have required you to touch a lot more bases before you score. (Roger Hall, Harrisonburg) If they were men: Florence Nightingale's bedside manner would have consisted of: "Wounded? Nah. Walk it off, wuss." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) If they were dogs, in a world of dogs . . . Frank Sinatra would have been known as "Old Blue." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Lennon-McCartney would have written "When I'm 9." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Lauren Bacall would have said to Bogart, "You know how to whistle, don't you? Oh, wait, neither do I." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bonnie and Clyde would have been famous for knocking over a whole string of garbage cans. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Ponce de Leon would have yearned to drink from the Toilet of Puppyhood. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Judge Roy Bean would have been known as The Fixing Judge. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Louis Pasteur would be famous for inventing the "eating grass" cure. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Ty Cobb would be known as the dirty athlete who slid into second base with one leg up. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Abbie Hoffman would have written "Chew This Book." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Strom Thurmond would be approaching 693 years old. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wisc.; Mike Genz, La Plata) If they had been of different nationalities: If Wayne Newton had been German, he would have had a hit song called, "Thank You." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) If Bill Clinton had been French, Monica would simply have been called The First Mistress, and no one would have given two patooties. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If Kevin Costner were Japanese, after the failure of "Waterworld" he would have disemboweled himself. Darn! (Mark Young, Washington) If Van Gogh had been Sicilian, the ear in the mail might actually have worked. (Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.) If Clarence Thomas were not African American, there'd be absolutely no difference. (Russell Beland, Springfield) If they'd been really, really stupid: Hirohito: There would have been a sneak attack on Bar Harbor. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) George Washington: We'd be entering the Cornwallis Post Style Invitational. (Chris Doyle, Burke) ====================================================================== WEEK 421, published September 30, 2001 Week LXXXVIII (421): Picture This This Week's Contest: These objects are not what they seem to be, at first glance. They are something else entirely. What are they? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a 1964 commemorative metal plate celebrating the many splendors of the state of New Jersey. After a few beach blankets and birds, the artist seemed to get desperate: He drew, among other things, belching smokestacks, a bottle of milk, and a can of house paint. This is worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXXVIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 8. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXXIV (417), in which we asked you to take the name of anyone or anything and use each of its letters to spell out an appropriate description. We thought we had invented this game, but were inundated with credible claims to the contrary. Dan Steinberg of Columbia cited a contest in Games magazine from 1990, won by this entry: Jaded Actress Now Emphasizes Fitness Over Nuclear Disarmament, Alas. Dan proposes an updated version: Just Another Nouveau-riche Ex-wife: Frivolous, Overexposed, Not Doing Anything. Meredeth G. Williams of Rockville alleges he came up with the genre in 1983, naming it a 'bacronnym,' and supplies epistolary proof; however, Meredith also cites a previous example (1970) in a magazine named Nucleonics Week. We understand the confusion, and hereby clear this matter up: The Czar invented it. Four weeks ago. Here are the results. Fifth Runner-Up: Taped hubby's exhibitionism? Just entered rehab recently? Your sister's presently residing in Newark giving everybody recreational sex? Heroin overdosed? Write.(Norman F. Wesley, Pittsburgh) Fourth Runner-Up: Medication and rest in a hospital. Career, acting resume eventually. Yawn. (Kyle Bonney, Fairfax) Third Runner-Up -- Let a no-good, criminally evil, infamous throat-slitter off. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up -- The Humor Expert, Comedy's Zeus, amuses readers. (This humiliating entry cops Zarrow a Runner-up.) (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) First Runner-Up -- Marriage Obviator (Note: I'm currently available.) (P.J. Siegel, Greenbelt) And the winner of the genuine extremely imitation jade scorpion: Look, I never divulge anything that's related in privacy. Promise. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Honorable Mentions: Got a report yesterday: Chandra's officially news. Damn, I'm toast. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Don't even attempt to hide. (Kyle Standiford, 13, Great Falls) Never accept suggestions, criticism and responsibility. (Ron Ungvarsky, Bexley, Ohio) I am chairman of CCA. (John R. Junker, Manassas) Jaded, exhausted football field general exiting oafishly. Remember Gus, everyone? (Brian E. Foster, Fairfax) Obsessive jealousy simmers into murderously purposeful stalking of Nicole. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Renames every place blatantly after Ronald Reagan. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Jeez, it makes my year helping old folks fertilize annuals. (J.J. Gertler, Arlington) They're honest, extremely moral and friendly Italian Americans. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Gore elected? Oh, really? Gore elected? Wait. Bring us Supreme help. (Jean Lightner Norum, Charlottesville) Road-rage, unending, screwed-up, hopeless, hostile, oppressive, unstoppable, relentless, terrible, racing, apoplectic, frenetic, fanatical, infuriating . . . collision! (Sue Witmer, Brevard, N.C.) A divinely assembled man. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Tepid, odorless, flavorless un-food. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) My teenager vegetates. (Ben Merrion, Washington) Every dork in the office revels in ad-lib sermonizing. (Albert P. Toner, Arlington) Hearty eater inhales. Morsel lodges in craw. Help! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Girl absent, reporters yelling. Congressman, obviously nervous, denies irrefutable truth. (Patrick Jones, Alexandria) Courted Hitler at Munich, bringing European ruin. Loser at international negotiations. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Totally vacuous. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) My abode reflects the harmony amateurs shun. Totally excellent work, artfully rendered. Touche. (Cheryl Noland, Capitol Heights) Coy and lovely, if shrinking, thespian as fledgling lawyer or coquettish kitten: Health aside, ratings thrive. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Sho' tired. Running outta momentum. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Lopped off ruffian's extremity, nabbed acquittal, but our budding beautician is tamer today. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Okay, leave your money, please. I'm choosing sites. (Russell Beland, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 422, published October 7, 2001 Week LXXXIX (422): Taught Language Lessons learned from the movies: 1. A detective can solve a case only after he has been suspended from duty. 2. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any government agency. 3. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. This Week's Contest was suggested by John O'Byrne of Dublin, Ireland. Come up with lessons learned from (1) the movies, (2) popular songs, (3) romance novels or (4) the comics page. First prize winner gets a handsome bronze key chain from Oral Roberts University, a value of $25. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXXIX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, July 23. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXXV (418), in which you were asked to supply evidence that you are spending too much time (1) at work, (2) on the cell phone, (3) online or (4) watching TV. In reading the entries, The Czar got the uncomfortable suspicion that many were based on personal experience. A lot of people came up with dialing "9" from home, for example, or saying "BRB" when they leave a room. Special mention, but no prize, to Ingrid Wrausmann of McLean, who proposed a fifth category: signs you are spending too much time in your car. Ingrid says she recently found herself fumbling to put on her seat belt. In a movie theater. And yes, many people said a sign of watching too much TV is being very, very depressed. We understand. Third Runner-Up: Sign you are spending too much time online: You feel the need to tilt your head to the side to show people you are smiling. (Patrick Sheehan, Wheaton; Jessica Henig, Takoma Park) Second Runner-Up: Sign you are spending too much time online: You can imitate, with perfect pitch, your modem's dial-up process, including the khhhsshhhhhkkkhhKHHHHHHshkhh part. (Gretchen Kelly, Grand Isle, Vt.) First Runner-Up: Sign you are spending too much time at work: Your boss says you are spending too much time at work. (Mike Moore, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the brass and velvet award from the police department of Bangladesh: Sign you are watching too much TV: You notice Oprah seems to have lost a pound. (John Burton, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: Sign you are spending too much time at work: Your wife is attempting to get conjugal visits with you at the office. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Your kid screams, "Mommy, that man in all those pictures around the house is in the living room, watching TV!" (John Burton, Herndon) You keep hearing about all this terrible "D.C. traffic," but you've never seen it. (Brian Foster, Fairfax) The night janitor has already taught you all the irregular verbs in his native language. (Jim Pearson, Alexandria) The plants water you. (John Kammer, Herndon) You are Marty Schottenheimer. Way too much time, but don't worry, it won't last long. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Your dog lives full time at the kennel. (Mike Genz, La Plata) When you walk around your neighborhood, the Neighborhood Watch folks track you. (Mike Genz, La Plata) You tell your kids to send Santa a requisition. (Frank Balsinger, Takoma Park) You start laundering "just a few little things" in the ladies' room sink. (Judy Wheatley, Laurel) You have more food in the office refrigerator than in the one at home. (Jennifer Hohnson, San Jose, Calif.) Turns out that the family picture on your desk, which you thought came with the frame, is yours. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Sign you are spending too much time on your cell phone: You have phone sex with your wife, and when you hang up you notice she is lying next to you. (John Burton, Herndon) You added 20 minutes to your commute to avoid driving through bad cells. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) You never wear more than one earring. (Jeanie Kunkel, Fairfax) Sign you are watching too much TV: The absence of a laugh track in real life makes you feel uncomfortable and lonely. (Brian Foster, Fairfax) You know the local cable ad rotation so well that you can announce confidently what the next commercial will be. (Brian Foster, Fairfax) First you restart the warp engines, THEN you realign the phase inverters. How many times do you have to e-mail those idiots at "Star Trek"? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Your conversations are filled with familiar little catchphrases -- not that there's anything wrong with that. (Jessica Lynne Mathews, Arlington) Sign you are spending too much time online: You watched your child's graduation ceremony over the Internet by hacking into the school's video security system. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) When you venture outside, you are amazed at how good the resolution is. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Every now and then you look up in disgust and say something like "When are they going to put something new out there on the Web?" (Russell Beland, Springfield) You start to think you might have a chance with Anna Kournikova. (Mark Young, Washington) Hm. Maybe I CAN enlarge my penis! It's certainly worth a glance at their literature . . . (Joseph Romm, Washington) u have forget all the rulz of grammer speling punctation ect. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) You are amazed at how fast the graphics load is on TV. (Frank Balsinger, Takoma Park) Your very best friend on Earth is someone you have never actually met. (Judy Wheatley, Laurel) You double-click the garage door opener. (Pete Hughes, Alexandria) When you read a book, you find yourself waiting a minute or so for the next page to download. (Bob Furey, Tokyo) ROFLMAO! WTF kind of Q is that? BTW, IMHO being online is NP. TTFN :). (Jim Cochrane, jcochrane@cox.rr.com) ====================================================================== WEEK 423, published October 14, 2001 Week XC (423): Roling With Laughter 1. If the Munchkin from the Lollipop Guild in "The Wizard of Oz" had played Rick in "Casablanca," the movie would have surpassed even "Rocky Horror" in cult classic status. 2. If Dumbo had played Thelma in "Thelma and Louise," the end wouldn't have been at all tragic. 3. If Hannibal Lecter had played Andre in "My Dinner With Andre," the movie would have been over in four minutes. This Week's Contest was suggested by Bill Spencer of Exeter, N.H. Bill suggests that you take a character from one movie, use him or her to replace a character in a second movie, and then explain how this change would affect the second movie. First-prize winner gets an antique can of South Carolina Potted Possum, a value of $15. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XC, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 22. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXXVI (419), in which we asked you to come up with Rodney Dangerfieldisms. The Czar, not noted for his modesty, nonetheless decided there was one person more qualified than he to judge this contest. He phoned Rodney Dangerfield at his home in Los Angeles and read him the 20 finalist entries. As Rodney was about to select his favorites, his friend Bob Saget walked in. (You think we are making this up. We are not.) And so Rodney performed them for Bob. ("He's laughin', baby" Rodney reported. "Dese are all funny, y'know?") And yes, Rodney Dangerfield relaxing at home sounds exactly like Rodney Dangerfield popeyed and sweating onstage. Fourth Runner-Up: At home, I don't get no respect. My wife tells me she wants to make a kid. I says, "You're too old to make another kid." She says, "No, I mean the kid next door." (Chris Doyle, Burke) Third Runner-Up: This lady, she's so ugly she don't get no respect. She has to hand out whistles to construction workers. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: My wife don't give me no respect. I say, "Let's have sex like animals." She says, "Okay, I'll be a possum." (Chris Doyle, Burke) First Runner-Up: I go out, I don't get no respect. I say to the bartender, "Gimme the strongest thing you got." His bouncer beats me up! (Mark Young, Washington) And the winner of travel and face-lift books: In bed, I don't get no respect. My wife's favorite position is back-to-back. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: As a kid, when I went trick-or-treating, our neighbors didn't bother with apples. They just handed me a razor blade. (Lawrence P. McGuire, Waldorf) When I played cowboys and Indians as a kid, I always had to be the post the cowboys tied their horses to. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) When I called my OB-GYN for an appointment, he said, "How about you just describe yourself over the phone." (Judith E. Cottrill, New York) I joined the Optimists Club and within a week they had all committed suicide. (Debra J. Gravelle, Cornwall-on-Hudson, N.Y.) Melissa Etheridge passed up my sperm for David Crosby's. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Even hookers want to know why we can't "just be friends." (Ray Aragon and Cynthia Coe, Bethesda) The tollbooth operator told me to take my business elsewhere. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) My computer won't let me turn it off until it says so. (Mark Young, Washington) When I take my dog out, he walks behind me carrying the little plastic bag. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) As a kid, I got lost at the beach. I asked a cop if he could help me find my mom and dad. He said, "I dunno, kid, there are a lotta places they can hide." (Bill Gardner, Fairfax) I asked Kevorkian for help. He mailed me a noose. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) My wife and I tried group sex. The group had sex with my wife. (Chris Doyle, Burke) My wife says I should get in touch with my feminine side. I guess that's because she won't let me get in touch with HER feminine side. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Matt Drudge considers me unreliable. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) My dog tries to roll in me. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) When I turn on AOL it says, "Welcome. You've got a weak chin." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Lawyers tell jokes about me. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) When I was a kid, the crossing guard at my school gave me a blindfold and told me to Use the Force. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) AOL wants its disk back. (Bob and Jean Sorensen, Herndon) My wife told me to pick up condoms on the way home. I've had a vasectomy. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Ray Romano called the other day. He doesn't want me to love him. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) When I go to restaurants, waiters make me spit in my own iced tea. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) I got a letter from Publishers Clearing House saying, "No way in hell you could be a winner." (Craig McGowan, Liverpool, N.Y.) When my patients come into the examining room, they ask the nurse for rubber gloves. (Stephen Fahey, MD, Kensington) They only print my name in parentheses. (Russell Beland, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 424, published October 21, 2001 Week XCI (424): Osama Chanted Evening Higgledy piggledy Osama the terrorist Hides in a cave with a Price on his head. Find him and Dubya Will out-and-out lubya Hyperfinancially -- Living or dead. This Week's Contest was suggested by Charlie Bryant of Gaithersburg, who points out that the best way to confront evil is not to demonize it but to contemptuously trivialize it. Accordingly, we seek poems about Osama bin Laden. You may use any poetic form: sonnet, limerick, haiku, couplet, double dactyl, as in the above example Charlie wrote, or any other. First-prize winner gets an antique box of cloth sweaters for soft-drink glasses. We are not exactly sure who thought this was a good idea, or why, but this may be the only surviving item of its kind. It is worth $50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. NO LETTERS OR POSTCARDS AT ALL. NONE. WE WON'T OPEN LETTERS OR READ POSTCARDS FOR THIS CONTEST NO WAY SO DON'T SEND THEM. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 29. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Before we get to the remarkable Week LXXXVII, we dispense with some old business. You know how you all are always complaining that The Czar chooses the wrong winners? To test this theory against the alternative theory that you are all whining idiots, The Czar graciously withheld his winning choices in a recent contest. He published all 25 finalists, unranked, then invited you to submit your choices for winner and four runners-up. The results: You agree that The Czar is wrong. Unfortunately, you haven't figured out precisely what he is wrong about. Of the 25 possibilities, our hundreds of respondents declared that the single best entry was obviously . . . 24 of them! Every finalist but one was chosen by at least one person as the winner of the entire contest. (And no, you couldn't vote for yourself.) You were all over the map, with nearly insignificant point spreads separating the winners from most of the Honorable Mentions. Possibly this judging thing isn't as easy as you think. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXXVII (420). The contest was to come up with nasty rhetorical questions after the model "Is that your face or did your neck just puke?" The readers' choices: Fourth Runner-Up: Is that your boyfriend, or does your pimp drive a Geo? (Russell Beland, Springfield).Third Runner-Up: Is that your nose, or are you just glad to smell me? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse). Second Runner-Up: Is that your car, or is this the day you leave your recycling at the curb? (David Kleinbard, Jersey City). First Runner-Up: Is that your president, or did the Supreme Court just puke? (Tom Campbell, Chicago). And the winner: Is that your carefully considered position on the inconclusiveness of the scientific evidence of global warming and the dwindling supply of petroleum reserves, or your SUV?(John Muehl, Springfield) And now The Czar's choices, made before the contest was published. These are the ones that count: Fourth Runner-Up: The president -- puke. Third Runner-Up: Carefully considered position -- SUV. Second Runner-Up: Is that your final answer, or are you still holding out hope that a brain will suddenly grow at the end of your spinal cord? (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: Is that your actual weight or did you fill out your driver's license form while tethered to a blimp? (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the Winner of the 1954 George Washington University Medical School yearbook, the Speculum: Is that your nose, or are you just glad to smell me? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) ON TO WEEK LXXXIII. During the least funny week in anyone's memory, we asked you simply to make us laugh. No further instructions. Predictably, your 175 entries constituted the smallest response in the history of this contest. We empathize with all who chose to stay silent but salute all who did not: Your entries were wildly different but shared a certain thrilling pugnacity. Thanks for the laughs. All entries below win T-shirts. Winner of the Prince George's County Police Department bell is the last entry on the page. There is one huge problem with the guarantee of 70 virgins for each martyr in Paradise. What can one do with six dozen women? The guarantors either don't know Paradise or don't know women. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) [Cartoon, woman addressing cashier in a market: "I'm looking for diet pills that look like eclairs." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) If wives were meant to enjoy sex, God would've made husbands good at it. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Bad choice of tough language for the Taliban to use: "Oh yeah? You and what army?" (Russell Beland, Springfield) This is a real excerpt from the news shortly after the WTC and Pentagon were attacked. The interview took place at a blood donation site: "At times like this, people come together. We have come together here to give blood. Many people didn't know they had it in them." (Judy Freedman, Rockville) A tornado tore through the Gaithersburg Home Depot yesterday, leaving in its wake 12 newly fashioned houses, three toolsheds, a gazebo, and a new deck added onto a nearby home. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) I keep waiting for our president to say something like: "We are not at war with Islam, and we certainly don't wish to offend the many good Muslim Americans. Our enemies are the terrorists and those nations that have become a Mecca for terrorist behavior." (Hang Xia-Ti, Arlington) As I write this, I am at work and not wearing pants! A clown has just thrown a pie in my face! Also, poopy-doody! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Okay, here's a trick. Think of a number between 1 and 10. Now multiply it by the number of decades you have been alive. Okay? Now subtract the day of the month you were born. Okay? Now picture J. Edgar Hoover in a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader costume. (Russell Beland, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 425, published October 28, 2001 Week XCII: Hyphen the Terrible Christ-loween -- A solemn religious holiday in which people beg for candy while dressed up as their favorite deity. Unfortu-mannered -- Given to high-decibel belching, wiping one's nose on tablecloths, etc. High-panion -- A poor choice for designated driver. This Week's Contest: Take the first half of any hyphenated word from any story in today's newspaper and combine it with the second half of any other hyphenated word in the same story, and propose a definition of the new word you've created. Make sure you tell us which story you are using. (The examples above came from today's Miss Manners column.) First-prize winner gets a battery-operated Mr. Potato Head doll, which seems to make as much sense as a battery-operated potato. It's worth $30. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 5. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXXVIII (421), in which we asked you to explain the actual unexpected identities of seven deceptively common-looking objects. We wish to extend our thanks to the several readers who, without apparent irony, identified these items as a stick of butter, a hypodermic, a keyhole, a die, Chinese takeout, a razor blade and a roll of toilet paper. The Weekly Reader will be sending you your prizes shortly. Many people wickedly saw Cartoon C as the sign on the ladies' room door at Amputees Anonymous. Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) This magical beast can turn from horse to monkey. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon F) Gary Condit's chest X-ray after he swallowed yet another watch. (Andrea D. Connell, Arlington) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) A prostitute in Lego Land. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the New Jersey commemorative plate: (Cartoon D) After the tragic accident with the trash compactor, there were only 100 Dalmatians. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A Carving the very special Thanksgiving Tofu Turkey. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Corporate Headquarters, Land O' Lakes Inc. (Kelley Hoffman, Fairfax) Ford Motor Co. finally complies with rollover standards by designing trucks without wheels. (Faye Dorsey, Manassas) Cartoon B Seeking its own revenge, New York City sends the Empire State Building hurtling toward Kabul. (Michael Althaus, Silver Spring) President Bush agrees to fund a needle exchange program -- but only for syringes with the new reduced- size plunger. (Jeff Greenspan, Annandale) Cartoon C It was the last thing Ralph saw after stumbling face-forward onto the ball return. (James Noble, Lexington Park, Md.; Larry Furst, Woodland Hills, Calif.) This image was submitted as a centerfold photo for the Taliban Monthly Review, but was rejected for its prurience. (Gene Gross, Fairfax) What old keys dream of at night. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Transamerica Pyramid meets Goodyear Blimp. Transamerica Pyramid wins. (Richard A. Creasy, Winchester, Va.) Hitler wearing a clown nose. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Frame 2 of the Baskin-Robbins Power Point presentation to new employees, "Ice Cream Do's & Don'ts." (Cynthia M. Barlow, Manchester, Conn.) Cartoon D After hours of persistent twisting, Charlton Heston's Rubik's Cube meets an untimely end. (David Moore, Bowie) HMO medical-option icon, also known as "die." (Richard A. Creasy, MD, Winchester, Va.) Seurat tries his hand at cubism. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Captain Hook appears to have had trouble getting his ice out of the tray. (Russell Beland, Springfield) An outhouse that can be adjusted from one hole to six. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cartoon E The Tomb of the Unknown Cat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) This Halloween, parents are encouraged to search for suspicious candy, such as caramels with huge panes of glass sticking out of them. (Jessica Henig, Takoma Park) A large, covered petri dish for fungal and bacterial experiments. At least that's what this is in MY refrigerator. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Purse by Givenchy (shown actual size): $3,500. (Leslie Hughes, Dilwyn, Va.; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The attache case of Condoleezza Rice. (Russell Beland, Arlington) The Social Security lockbox. Once you dip into it, you want to do it again an hour later. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Cartoon F Early in her pregnancy, Mrs. Perot captured this ultrasound image. (James Noble, Lexington Park) A one-way ticket to Hell. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The logo for that ill-fated HBO spinoff, "The Castratos." (Tom Campbell, Chicago) Cartoon G An opened can of cartoon eyeballs. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Christo wraps the Washington Monument. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Though it proved quite effective, the new masonry prophylactic never became very popular. (James Noble, Lexington Park) Adding a "chewy-chocolaty center" to rolls of Charmin did little to improve sales. (James Noble, Lexington Park) It would take centuries for early man to realize that it would work much better on the curved side. (James Noble, Lexington Park) A confused marshmallow who is wearing a yarmulke AND holding rosary beads. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cartoons F and G Despite the infomercials, sales remained flat for the Home Hemorrhoid Remover. (Samuel F. Hepford, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 426, published November 4, 2001 Week XCIII (426): Captions Courageous This Week's Contest: Take any photograph or illustration from today's Washington Post and give it a more interesting caption. Don't send us clips: Just tell us which story it accompanies, and on what page. We don't want any letters! Just e-mail and faxes! We never want to see a letter again. Only an idiot would open a letter. First-prize winner gets a genuine alligator- head letter opener. It is worth $100. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 12. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke. REPORT FROM WEEK LXXXIX (422), in which we asked you to come up with life lessons learned from the movies, from TV, from the comics page, from pop songs, or from romance novels. Many people observed that from movies one learns that frumps turn into babes by taking off their glasses and shaking out their hair, and from TV westerns that a six-shooter holds 100 bullets. Fourth Runner-Up (from movies): At all speeches, the microphone will squeak once, before allowing the speaker to continue with no further problem. (Alan Hochbaum, Atlanta; Timothy Gotwald, Chambersburg, Pa.) Third Runner-Up (from porn movies): All Asians are female. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City, N.J.) Second Runner-Up (from comics): Villains with superpowers live only in cities with superheroes. (Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner-Up (from romance novels): No one is named Maxine Fischman or Fred Paczynski. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) And the winner of the Oral Roberts University key chain:(From comics): Every doctor in the world, except mine, wears that thingy on his head with the mirror. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: From Movies It is impossible to win a sporting event unless you first fall behind by a great amount. After that, it is impossible to lose. (Storm Marvel, Columbia) Small towns in New England, along with all college campuses nationwide, experience autumn 12 months a year. (Joe Morse, Charlottesville) If you need advice in a heterosexual relationship, a gay man will have all the answers. (Storm Marvel, Columbia) A single woman who moves to a small town will discover that the only single man in town is attractive, professional, has a great sense of humor, and doesn't have VD from having been careless with hookers over the years. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) When a man and a woman get very, very mad at each other, it usually turns quickly into passionate kissing. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) In the future, everyone will wear jumpsuits yet no one will look fat in them. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) If you're the victim of a crime, don't call the police. They are useless. What you need instead is a drifter skilled in the martial arts, or an Austrian vigilante. (Greg Pearson, Arlington) Rearview mirrors suddenly become invisible when viewed from over the hood. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Eveboedy vit akhsent spik Engleesh lik deez. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Tires squeal on a dirt road. (Tom Bachand, Clifton; Jim Hamann, Frederick) Someone who looks like Meg Ryan can live four years in New York City without being asked for a date. (Mike Genz, La Plata) When there is a murderer, wild animal, alien or monster, black people always die first, no matter what country, time or planet -- that is, of course, if they exist at all. (Rashad Horton, Bowie) Pillow hair is a myth. (Chris Doyle, Burke) It's easier for one to kill 30 than for 30 to kill one. (John Burton, Herndon) If you encounter a ragtag team with a terrible record, no good players and an alcoholic coach, bet on it to win the championship. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Intelligence is inversely proportional to level of education. (Jack Barcheski, Laurel) When you're chasing a bad guy, the best way to cross the street is (1) get hit by a car and roll, or (2) leap atop the first car you come to and run from car to car on their hoods. Either of these is much faster than waiting for the car to go by. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls, Va.) If you shoot a bullet into the trunk of a car, the car will explode. (Michael Biggs, Columbia) If you cough, you will soon discover that you have a fatal disease. (Mike John, Fort Washington; Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Nobody wears glasses except scientists and child geniuses. (Mike John, Fort Washington) From Comics From "B.C.": Jewish people are okay; they just have a bad religion. (Storm Marvel, Columbia) Animals do not have genitals. (Roy Ashley, Washington) African American and Hispanic kids can be unfunny, too. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Cartoonists draw just as well when they're dead. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Only Canadians age. (Greg Seigle, Vienna) The more serious and humorless you are, the more facial features you possess. (Greg Seigle, Vienna) If you run really fast, you can leave a trail of dust even when you're indoors. (Rashad Horton, Bowie) From Romance Novels Raven locks are more attractive than black hair. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Men's shirts in the 18th century did not provide adequate nipple coverage. (John Fiorini, Reston) No one has sex in a bed. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) From Pop Songs People are constantly running off with other people's babies, and no one calls the police. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Never, ever leave your cake out in the rain. (Jon Graft, Centreville) Michael Jackson is a ladies' man. (Rashad Horton, Bowie) From Television All family crises, whether large or small, take exactly 22 minutes to solve. (Ed Gordon, Ashburn) ====================================================================== WEEK 427, published November 11, 2001 Week XCIV (427): Skinned That last lifeboat from the Titanic rows into New York Harbor. Osama bin Laden signs a $25 million book deal with Random House and announces a 30-city U.S. publicity tour. Barbie gets reconfigured to plausible human dimensions, with a B-cup and child-bearing hips. This Week's Contest was proposed by Chris Hill of Santa Fe, who read with amusement a giddily upbeat Washington Post sports column suggesting that the 3-5 Redskins now have hope for a terrific season. Yes, the turnaround's been sweet, Chris says, and we're all heartened, but get real. He suggests that you come up with events that have a smaller chance of happening than the Redskins winning the Super Bowl next year. First-prize winner gets a ceramic Dalmatian, man's best friend, seated forever next to your commode, a friendly sentinel concealing a toilet brush. This is worth $25. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 19. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Gaithersburg. REPORT FROM WEEK XC (423), in which you were asked to replace a character in a movie with one from another movie, and explain how the movie would change. Fourth Runner-Up: If Ben Kingsley's Gandhi had played Darth Vader, the Empire wouldn't have struck back. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Third Runner-Up: If Renton from "Trainspotting" had played Mary Poppins, it would have taken a spoon, a lighter, a belt and a syringe to make the medicine go down. (Jessica Henig, Takoma Park) Second Runner-Up: If Phil from "Groundhog Day" had played Scarlett O'Hara, tomorrow wouldn't have been another day. (Chris Doyle, Burke) First Runner-Up: If Marlee Matlin's character in "Children of a Lesser God" had played Travis Bickle in "Taxi Driver," it would have made a lot more sense for her to keep wondering, "Are you talking to me?" (Mike Edens, Canoga Park, Calif.) And the winner of the can of South Carolina Potted Possum: If Flipper, from "Flipper," had starred in "Jaws," then after eating people he could have scooted through the water backward on his tail balancing their heads on his nose. Cool. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: If C3PO replaced Mariah Carey in "Glitter," there'd be fewer complaints about robotic acting. (Ray Aragon and Cynthia Coe, Bethesda) If Chewbacca the Wookie had played Spartacus, then that scene where all the Roman slaves stand up and say "I am Spartacus" would have been far less effective. (Joseph Romm, Washington) If John Shaft had played Hoke Colburn in "Driving Miss Daisy," that old broad is walkin'! (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) If Brad Pitt had been Rick in "Casablanca," he'd have said, "Here's lookin' at me, kid." (Grady Norris, New Bern, N.C.) If one of the "Porky's" gang had starred in "Psycho," he'd have taken the knife and just cut a little peephole in the shower curtain. (Russell Beland, Springfield) If William Wallace of "Braveheart" had played any Woody Allen character, it would have actually made sense when he ended up with the girl. (Andrea Connell, Arlington) If James Bond had played "The Man in the Iron Mask," he would have cut the mask away with his laser pen, escaped from jail with his exploding cuff links and floated away on his underpants-that-convert-to-a-helium-balloon.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) If the warden in "Cool Hand Luke" had played Thomas More from "A Man for All Seasons," what we would have had there was a failure to excommunicate. (Russell Beland, Springfield) If any of Jackie Chan's characters played Christy Brown in "My Left Foot," he still would have kicked butt. (Kathye Hamilton and Jason Russo, Falls Church) If Dumbo had played Rufus T. Firefly in "Duck Soup," he'd know very well how that elephant got in his pajamas. (Chris Doyle, Burke) If Francis the Talking Mule had played a horse in "The Horse Whisperer," he would have asked, "Why are you whispering? What's the big secret, anyway?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) If Roberto Benigni's character from "Life Is Beautiful" played Travis Bickle from "Taxi Driver," he would have said: "Are you talking to me? Yes! Come and talk with me for a while! The city is beautiful and I am so much in love with you! Talk to me! Talk to me!" (Kathye Hamilton and Jason Russo, Falls Church) If Miss Piggy had played Debbie in "Debbie Does Dallas," I, for one, would have asked for my money back. (Joseph Romm, Washington) If John Rambo had played the lead in "Saving Private Ryan," it would have ended with Rambo and Hitler in sneering, shirtless hand-to-hand combat. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) If Hercule Poirot had played Ethan Hunt in "Mission: Impossible," he might have been able to figure out the plot. (Joseph Romm, Washington) If Austin Powers were the Godfather, someone would wake up one morning and find himself in bed with a horse's ass. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) If Jackie Chan played Moses, he'd have parted the sea with one chop. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) If Moe of the Three Stooges had played the U.S. secretary of state in "Tora! Tora! Tora!," the official U.S. response to the attack on Pearl Harbor would have been to poke the Japanese ambassador in the eyes, bop him on his head with a fist and yell, "We oughta murderalize youse guys." (John Kammer, Herndon) If Vito Corleone played "The Pawn-broker," he would have made him an offer he couldn't re-use. (Judith Cottrill, New York) If Mary Pickford in "Pollyanna" had played the captain in "Titanic," she would've chirped to the passengers, "Great news, everyone! Free ice for your drinks!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) At the end of "Now, Voyager," if Bette Davis's Charlotte Vale were in a hopeless love affair with Darth Vader, she'd say, "Oh Darth, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the Death Star." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) If Alvy Singer of "Annie Hall" played Ilsa in "Casablanca," she would have said: "Did you hear that? Here's looking at jew? Here he thinks he's fighting the Nazis, but he's as anti-Semitic as Strasser." (Dina Feivelson, New York) If Jean-Claude Van Damme had played Rhett Butler, we wouldn't have given a damn. (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) If James Bond were played by Jerry Lundegaard of "Fargo," we'd all be speaking Russian now. (Ranald Totten, Kill Devil Hills, N.C.) If the bean-eating cowboys in "Blazing Saddles" replaced the women who hung out at the beauty parlor in "Steel Magnolias," then maybe more than three men in America would have seen that movie. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) If the shark from "Jaws" had been in "Free Willy," that would have been the only possible way the movie could look more fake. (Mark Young, Washington) If Dumbo had played Babe, pigs would fly. (Chris Doyle, Burke) If Dudley Moore's Arthur played Stanley Kowalski in "A Streetcar Named Desire," he would've yelled, "Look, Stella, I've ripped my shirt! I've ripped my bloody shirt off! Isn't that the funniest thing ever?!!" (Mark Ross, Gaithersburg) If Antoine Doinel from "The 400 Blows" had played Death in "The Seventh Seal," then we would have had an angst-ridden insight into the nature of life, death and humanity, and it wouldn't have made sense because Doinel speaks French and Death speaks Swedish, duh. (Daniel Fitzgerald, Coral Gables, Fla.) If Kevin Costner had played Rosebud in "Citizen Kane," he'd have probably screwed it up. (Grady Norris, New Bern, N.C.) ====================================================================== WEEK 428, published November 18, 2001 Week XCV (428): No Rest for the Query Which came first, the chicken or the egg? What is the sound of one hand clapping? What is art? If a tree falls in the forest and noone is around to hear it, does it make any noise? How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? If God is good, how can He permit evil? This Week's Contest: Above, six supposedly unanswerable questions. Answer any of them in the voice of any famous person, living or dead. (Or, if you wish, as yourself.) First-prize winner gets a souvenir of Texas, a genuine ceramic Texas "short beer" mug. It holds about a half-gallon. It's worth $20. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 26. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Entries will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. REPORT FROM WEEK XCI (424), in which we asked you to write poems about Osama bin Laden. The results were extraordinary, so we allotted extraordinary space. Third Runner-Up: You claim you're a shoo-in in Heaven, bin Laden, Fat chance with the paths of vengeance you've trodden, If Paradise glory you somehow attain, though, May your 70 virgins all choose to remain so.(Courtney Knauth, Washington) Second Runner-Up: "Osama" as a verb -- what would it be? Transitive, surely. Certainly active. To inflict pain and then to flee? To rip one from the land of those who live? Or could it be to cower and to shirk, To hide oneself inside a deep, dark cave, Appearing rarely and then just to lurk Long enough to insanely rant and rave? If we can but learn to look at him and laugh, While not forgetting those whose lives he took, We shall have cut the healing time in half. But lest we think to let him off the hook,To quote a poet drawing no more breath, We would but love him better after death. (Jean Lightner Norum, Charlottesville) First Runner-Up: Cursed Twin Towers Mock no more my undersize Genitalia. (David Landau, Arlington And the winner of the cloth sweaters for soft-drink glasses: If killed he's a martyr, to try him is harder, So recycle bin Laden as soon as we've won. He'd certainly make a fine woman's garter, Yes, recycle bin Laden, whose days are near done. Osama bin Laden with potatoes au gratin Or make a silk purse of his sandy sow's ear, We're short of menhaden, try Osama bin Laden Let's turn this mess into things we don't fear. My neighbor could use a new mat for his mud room, And I need a new set of mandolin strings. My sister has asked for a burgundy whisk broom, Compost for her garden and 10 million things. Let's recycle bin Laden and welcome the day We reincarnate him the American way. (Patricia Helmetag, Annapolis) Honorable Mentions: There once was an Arab so brave That he hid himself in his cave. "Fellow Muslims," he said, "It's great to be dead" If MY name's not on the grave. (Jane Springrose, Bradenton, Fla.) Caves have but one door For entering and leaving. Great plan, mastermind. (Joe Neff, Oreland, Pa.) Higgledy piggledy Saudi Arabia. Land of Osama bin Laden, a thug. Ultrafanatical Killer of innocents. Soon to be spotted and Squashed like a bug. (Chris Doyle, Burke) A terrorist known as Osama Encouraged a suicide bomber. This murderous plan Isn't in the Koran. So in Hell it's "Osama, meet Dahmer." (Chris Doyle, Burke) Allah hangs His head in shame, His son Osama is to blame. Scorned the teachings of his father: Love? Compassion? Couldn't bother. Evil sows, then evil reaps, Osama sinned, and Allah weeps. (Jackie Binder, Charlottesville) As a leader, Osama is flunking. Overhead, bunker busters are thunking. The Taliban's tiredof bombs being fired, But Osama is busy . . .spelunking. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Madrassahs in Quetta and Aden Inculcate the poor and downtrodden. Spew hate for the West Get to graduate summa cum Laden. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Later, Hater. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Osama bin Laden, you son of a witch, May your tonsils develop a seven-year itch. May your nose be twisted in such a manner That your nostrils whistle "The Star-Spangled Banner." (Howard Tenenbaum, Silver Spring) Let me not to even justice for war crimes Admit impediments. The Taliban Should pay, so say these fourteen lines of rhymes, Alone on desert isle like Caliban. But oh! Osama, what shall be his fate? Suffer the slings and arrows of a righteous fortune? Be diced with Ginsu knives and used as bait? Torn limb from limb on rack with cruel torsion? Americans might ask, "What serves the dead? To kill the Afghan people left and right; To bear a brave new world of waxing dread, Or keep alit five thousand points of light?" Two towers sank that Tuesday in September. We have a choice: Dismember or remember. (Tom Campbell, Highland Park, Ill.) A lunatic man named Osama Showed a page to his best "See, they all say I'm queer But I'm profiled right here Under 'Abnormal Psyches' in JAMA." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Osama the grievous, demonic and lowly, Misguided, he thinks his warped mission holy. Now, imagine God's anguish and roaring decree: "Listen here, twit, you ain't workin' for Me!" (John Bauer, Gaithersburg) There was a rich devil, bin Laden, Who set out to do some jihadin'. He did so much ill With his three hundred mil In Gehenna he's gonna be rottin'. (John Held, Fairfax) Though moderate Muslims are noddin', It's taken too much of a proddin' For us to get them To truly condemn The evil Osama bin Laden. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Bin Laden will pay for his role Bombing D.C., New York and the Cole. Though he hides in his warren, We'll bust his cave door in A game of high-stakes Whack-a-Mole. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) The pointing fingers, tabloid news, You moved us all beyond it. Take center stage with my regards. Sincerely, Gary Condit (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) You needn't look too far to see My feelings for Osama. Just take a peek beneath the flap In back of my pajama. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) I saw a man, bowed down with shame, Who said, "Bin Laden is my name, And I was mighty till the day That I torqued off the U.S.A., Which then proceeded to amass The force required to smoke my [tail] While all I had to guard my can Were wackos from the Taliban. They shanghaied troops who'd cut and run From a B-2 or even -1. First Uncle Sam came after me With planes we couldn't even see, Achieving his initial goal Of knocking out my air control. 'Twas not the end, for by and by, The Spectres came from out the sky And many troops who marched by feet Were turned into hamburger meat. So now I find myself bereft Of troops and goods, there's nothing left Except a thousand psychopaths Who are not known for taking baths. And Special Ops -- now, here's a shock -- Is on its way to clean my clock. Perhaps I'd better find some jerk To carry on my wicked work. But who would step in eagerly When they'd get blown to hell like me?" (Bryan Fortson, Herndon) Oh to rid the world of Bin Laden would be so sensational And to accomplish this I can think of nothing quicker Than to tell him he's won in The Style Invitational But he must hold his breath till he's received his bumper sticker. (Marleen May, Rockville) ====================================================================== WEEK 429, published November 25, 2001 Week XCVI (429): Shark Instruments Sign that the Ford Motor Co. has jumped the shark. This week's contest was suggested by James Hertsch of Springfield, who points out that a new term has entered the American lexicon: "Jumping the shark" is based upon the disgraceful turning-point episode of "Happy Days" in which the Fonz was required to water ski over a shark while wearing his leather jacket. Jumping the shark refers to the moment at which you realize a TV show -- or anything else for that matter -- has just passed its prime and is on its way to oblivion. (Many fine examples can be found on jumptheshark.com.) This Week's Contest: Tell us what would be a sign that any current institution -- TV show, newspaper feature, magazine, business, etc. -- has jumped the shark. First Prize winner gets a genuine Backstreet Boys throw pillow and an original Rubber Ducky. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 3. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Howard Walderman of Columbia. REPORT FROM WEEK XCII (425), in which we asked you to make a new word from any two hyphenated words in that day's Post, and supply a new definition. Fourth Runner-Up -- Ridicu-plexly: How 16 movie theaters are squeezed into one little corner of a mall. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Third Runner-Up -- Zero-handed: A Saudi recidivist. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up -- .45-baked: Not even half-baked. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) First Runner-Up -- Circum-tember: The ad campaign that mohel "Crazy Shmuel" Weinstein launches each fall: "It's Circum-tember, and I'm SLASHING prices!" (Thomas Wallick, Washington) And the winner of the battery-powered Mr. Potato Head -- Mo-ronto: 1. The Lone Ranger's mentally challenged companion; 2. Home of Prime Minister Jean Crétin. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Honorable Mentions: Art-meets-Steve: Not that there's anything wrong with that. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Assassi-sassination: Termination with extreme trash-talking. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Battery-up: What you'd get if the Bronx were down. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Be-bate: Hamlet's soliloquy. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bra-night: The baseball season's most popular promotion. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Breed-vantage: Some guys seem to think it's a sports car or a toupee. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bull-nary: When this bird sings, you damn well better listen.(James A. Noble, Lexington Park, Md.) Christo-joy: Wrapture. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Corn-ard: Cruise line based in Kansas (now defunct). (M. Lilly Welsh, Oakton) Du-phia: A female doofus. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ef-pox: Syphilis. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Eventu-ments: Clothes you keep in the closet in hopes that one day you can fit in them again. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ex-and-breakfast: A fling with an old boyfriend. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Feel-ueAmerica.com: Bill Clinton's Web site. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Fur-sical: What you get when your cat rubs against your ice-cream-on-a-stick. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Gal-crease: Cleavage. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Integri-gested: Swallowed pride. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Jew-gro: To the Klan, the worst possible human. (Stu Solomon, Springfield) Limp-solve: Along with Rise & Shine, Upstart and Morning Glory, one of the many rejected names for Viagra. (Andrea D. Connell, Arlington) Loudspeak-dependence: Inability of the &*@##% in the next cubicle to conduct business without yelling. (John R. Junker, Manassas) Mary-pus: A clue that one should avoid Mary. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Mo-ist: Member of a Three Stooges cult. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Non-kini: Even better than a bikini. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Opera-cide: It's REALLY over when the fat lady sings. (Paul Stygar, Sterling) Paul-profit: Made by robbing Peter. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Prim-stantly: The speed with which a good girl brings her knees together. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Pound-wheel-drive: A commute on the Beltway. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Real-lection: When the guy with the most votes wins. (A. Gore, Carthage, Tenn., via Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Re-thing: What the surgeons did to John Bobbitt. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Sin-mantic: Defining "evil" to suit one's own agenda. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) South-minute: About an hour longer than a New York minute. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Strug-temporary: When your voice squeaks for a moment. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Suck-second: The measure of time needed to assess the networks' fall schedule. (Mary Lou French, Lorton) Suck-settes: The tape clearance bin at Tower Records. (James Pierce, Charlottesville) Survi-denfreude: The pleasure of seeing someone voted out of the tribe. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Ter-ruary: September. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) 27,341,274,866-a: The room you've reached by the time you've realized that your dentist's office is at the OTHER end of the building. (Sayuri Stemp, Fairfax) Ventrilo-wind: Passing your gas off on someone else. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Weak-diss: An ineffective insult, like "Your mother wears Nikes." (Chris Doyle, Burke) Whatev-ing: Apathy. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) ====================================================================== WEEK 430, published December 2, 2001 Week XCVII (430): Omb Directive No. 2 Above, a recently published pronouncement by The Washington Post Ombudsman, upbraiding The Style Invitational for "lapses into vulgarity and just plain bad taste" that "seem inconsistent with a serious newspaper such as The Post." This week's contest: We are so ashamed. But it's not too late to make amends. Your challenge is to revisit any contest The Style Invitational has ever run, and rewrite our tawdry past by proposing a new first-prize winner serious and/or decorous enough to please the Ombudsman. (No need to remember the actual winner; you know the sort of vulgar and crude stuff we routinely reward -- well, just do the opposite.) First-prize winner gets Grandpa Pig from the Gas Family line of novelty dolls ("Try me -- pull my finger"), which includes a fact-at-your-fingertips booklet on flatulence. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 10. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next year's contest is by Tom Witte of Gaithersburg. REPORT FROM WEEK XCIII (426), in which we asked you to create new captions for any photographs or illustrations in that day's Post. On the advice of our lawyers, the firm of Krindge, Bough & Snivvel, P.C., we wish to emphasize that these are made-up captions, for humor purposes, and do not in any way reflect the truth about any persons depicted herein. Some worthy entries could not be reproduced in the space below. The best of these, by Chris Doyle of Burke, featured a Page A1 aerial photo of smoke billowing from a bombed Afghan village. The new caption: Moments after the Northern Alliance entered Kabul, they lifted the ban on smoking. 2nd Runner-Up: Bob explains yet again to his HMO why he should not have to pay for his recent smallpox vaccine. (Barry Robbins, Silver Spring) 1st Runner-Up The new Delta Stealth aircraft design may offend Muslim sensibilities. (Erica Ginter, Beltsville) And the winner of the alligator-head letter opener: "John Smith" (foreground), president of Paranoids Anonymous, begins to regret his choice of living room wallpaper. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Despite the obvious dangers, Georgetown University student increasingly engage in the newest fad: Manhole cover standing. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Hasbro's "Inaction Figures" failed to meet sales projections. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Men dance the forbidden Islamabada to the amusement of a young onlooker. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Andy Pettitte falls for old trick of switching Krazy Glue for neat's-foot oil. Pettitte remembers Randy Johnson saying, "Hey, your glove smells funny." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Steve Fahey, Kensington) First discovered on frogs, the effects of groundwater contamination revolutionized the character of professional sports. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) Until his plastic surgery, Richard Hamilton led the NBA in blocking his own shots. (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Golfer Scott Verplank is caught doing the "behind-the-nagging-wife's-back" look. He is expected to recover from his injuries. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 431, published December 9, 2001 Week XCVIII (431): Please Bear With Us . . . This week's contest:There is no contest. Today The Style Invitational goes into a six-week hibernation as The Czar embarks on a mission so sensitive it can be described only in code: [gt]#[bulm][dier]5/8[cedil] - =. In mid-January, everything will resume as though nothing had happened. The Czar requests that you all use this time productively, to reflect on the nature of consciousness, the question of man's role in the biosphere, the paradox of why toilet paper comes in squares so small no one can use just one, etc. Meanwhile he wishes to address the legitimate gripes of many of you who complain bitterly about the same names appearing in this space week after week, month after month. You keep asking: Who the hell do these people think they are? Thanks for asking. Now they'll tell you. We asked the all-time top winners of The Style Invitational to submit their photos and autobiographies, and we'll be running them in this space during the next few weeks. The rules were simple: One hundred words, max. And to make it interesting, each autobiography must contain one, and only one, lie. I was born at an early age and have now spanned two centuries, not to mention numerous belt sizes. I came to prominence (if not infamy) in the Washington area by being printed in The Style Invitational during its infancy (not to mention its immaturity) but have been writing for various national comic strips for 10 years. I have had one of my one-act plays performed off-Broadway, have appeared in several major motion pictures, have played a dead body on "Homicide" (the bloating was my idea) and have appeared at the Kennedy Center with Placido Domingo.(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I'm a cartoonist. Everyone is fodder. I enlarge noses to protect the humiliated. My twin and I grew up on Long Island. Mom gave us rosary beads; Dad, Roosevelt Raceway. Despite even-the- carny-guy-with-one-shoe-scored-higher SATs, I was smart enough to marry my high school sweetheart. For a time I juggled accounting and mothering, until I nearly dropped my youngest. So I hung up my CPA hat for MOM stretch marks. My three children give me lots of love, laughter and laundry. I donate time to school and church because it's cheaper than cash. I cook gourmet. And I draw on life. It's pretty funny. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 432, published December 16, 2001 The Style Invitational; Sleeps With the Fishes (432) Week XCIX: No contests until mid-January. Instead, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Stars of The Style Invitational in 100-Word Autobiographies That Contain One (and Only One) Falsehood. The revised title for next week's column is by Russell Beland of Springfield. * I grew up in Providence when it was the armpit of New England. With the economic renaissance, it's moved up to become New England's goiter. I'm a math geek -- in junior high I memorized pi to 100 places. That's probably why I didn't date till college. That's probably why I flunked out of Brown. Twice. Got drafted in '66, seeing action at NCO clubs in Jersey and Florida. Got out, went back to school on the GI Bill. Now I'm a Defense Department actuary computing GI Bill costs. What goes around comes around. Except for the digits of pi.(Chris Doyle, Burke) * At birth, I weighed 7 pounds 1 ounce, almost equal to five Entenmann's Ultimate Crumb Cakes. My high school mascot: Quakers. College mascot: Quakers. Law school mascot: Warriors, or the Defenders of the 33 1/3 Percent Retainer Fee. I'm writing a novel based on my paternal grandfather's autobiography, describing his rise from immigrant fruit peddler to Coffee King of the Hawaiian Islands. When I moved here in 1992, people asked, "Why would you move from Hawaii to Washington?" Now that I'm moving to Fargo, I can hear the inevitable question: "Why would you move from Hawaii to Washington?" (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) * But for my earnest, well-rewarded 18 months in The Style Invitational, the only way my name and photograph might appear on your Sunday breakfast table is affixed to a milk carton. Invitational renown saps one's credibility: Sometimes it seemed as though I was the one who insisted that O.J. try on the bloody glove. So I quit to salvage my architectural and scholarly career, spend more time with my wife and daughters, and use my spare time to push Mariah Carey toward movie stardom. I admit that some parts of the plan worked out better than others. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) * My name is Paul Styrene and I can be found on www.crunchland.com. I was born in Washington, D.C., raised in Silver Spring and Wheaton, and currently live in Olney. I work for the Department of the Navy, spending money faster than a bottle of syrup of ipecac can cause discomfort. My friend Lexy thinks I am a jackass. "Scat" is the funniest word I can think of right now. I have the attention span of a 2-year-old. I'm still waiting for John Waters to discover me. (Paul Styrene, Olney) ====================================================================== WEEK 433, published December 23, 2001 The Style Invitational; Takes a Break (433) Week C: No contests until mid-January. Instead, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the All-Time Stars of The Style Invitational in 100-Word Autobiographies That Contain One (and Only One) Falsehood. The revised title for next week's column is by Tom Witte of Gaithersburg. * Jennifer Hart, a daughter of the South, was nurtured on Moon Pies, grits and inexplicable fritters, and has a drawl as thick as mole-asses. She graduated from the same Texas-prison-town university as Dan Rather. Her likes include romantic candlelit TV dinners, sock monkeys, robots, carnivorous plants and poopy jokes. Her dislikes are world hunger, misplaced commas and having one's eyes cauterized. Her hidden superpower is Ultra Gullibility. Currently, Hart is copy editor for an Arlington weekly newspaper that is expanding so rapidly, it will soon crush and consume The Washington Post. Don't say I didn't warn you.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * I can say "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch" well enough to ask directions, not that I did, which is why I missed the monster onion exhibition. My father once brought home a lemon the size of a rump roast -- assuming a rump roast was the size of a cabbage. He was born in a log cabin, where giant fruit would have provided festive counterpoint to the long Utah winters. I sing opera, read Proust and am married to the great-great- great-great-great-granddaughter of Tim Bobbin, author of "The Ecclesiastical and Lay-Miser's Speculum," as you suspected. She says I have inexpressive feet. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) * What do you get when you cross Waco, Tex., and Elizabeth, N.J.? A slow-talking urban schizophrenic. At 4, I spoke Portuguese so fluently that my parents were afraid I would become a Brazil nut. Then we moved to Greenwich, where I had a mean time growing up. The less said about my school career the gooder. I found work as a police officer to be arresting. I courted my bride even before I became a lawyer. Our two boys luckily take after their beautiful and brilliant mother. I enjoy being a parsley farmer but am afraid my wages will be garnished. (Mike Genz, La Plata) * When I was growing up in Oregon, my instructors suggested that my nascent literary and creative talents were perhaps not yet worthy of the Pulitzer I would later achieve. As an artistic alternative to ecoterrorism, I developed instead some musical skills that led to my selection as the state's representative to an elite Disneyland marching band. However, discovering that Disney's mandatory uniform would consist of an ensemble not unlike that donned by author David Sedaris in his memorable role as a Macy's Christmas elf, I chose instead ample later opportunities while acquiring Harvard and law degrees, and, through Style entries, to attract well-deserved public humiliation and embarrassment. (Robin Grove, Pasadena, Md.) ====================================================================== WEEK 434, published December 30, 2001 The Style Invitational; Takes a Breather (434) Week CI: No contests until mid-January. Instead, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the All-Time Stars of The Style Invitational in 100-Word Autobiographies That Contain One (and Only One) Falsehood. The revised title for next week's column is by Chris Doyle of Burke. * Fame and celebrity are no strangers to me. When I was 7 one of the Kingston Trio held a door open for my family. Then, in high school, I sold Ernie Banks a Coke. In college I was introduced to Milton Friedman, but I didn't have time to chat. Graduate school in Los Angeles brought me even closer to the paparazzi. I took a class taught by John Lithgow's wife and once warned Cathy Lee Crosby that her dog was trying to jump out her car window. So when I ended up on an airliner sitting next to one of the Bangles, I wasn't fazed.(Russell Beland, Springfield) * It's probably genetic. I have relatives who would sneak into each other's houses and rearrange the furniture. Other family members once spent all afternoon cutting drip and splash shapes out of white paper and arranging them on top of the piano my grandmother had sternly warned them to cover while they were painting the room. Larry Storch is a cousin of mine. My sister and I have made eight movies to date featuring inflatable alligators in principal roles. A young nephew included deodorant sticks in his birthday party goody bags. We're sure he got the gene. I wrote this myself. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) * Mr. Kammer is the son of immigrants whose marriage was arranged to end a war between rival clans in the backwaters of Eastern Europe. He earned a computer science degree, becoming a certified techno-geek, although he prefers beer and pretzels to Coke and Twinkies. The proud alleged father of two (no uncontested paternity test results exist) has twice scaled Mount Everest (using Adobe Photoshop) and is trying to organize a dangerous motorcycle gang in his community. Unfortunately, the leading contenders for the gang's name, "The Geezers" and "The Midlife Crises," have left the local populace relatively unconcerned and distinctly unmenaced. (John Kammer, Herndon) * I was born on Oct. 13, 1960, and made my first mistake shortly after. There followed a long series of flubs, gaffes and miscues ranging in awkwardness from mildly embarrassing to extremely disconcerting. These events formed a running theme of my life, culminating in the character The Man Who Did Everything Wrong, featured in a book yet to be written. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) ====================================================================== WEEK 435, published January 6, 2002 The Style Invitational; VEGIES OUT Week CII (435): No contests until mid-January. Instead, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the All-Time Stars of The Style Invitational in 100-Word Autobiographies That Contain One (and Only One) Falsehood. The revised title for next week's column is by Tom Witte of Gaithersburg. * I am a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very private person. And I'm gay.(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * Born in 1951 in Paterson, N.J., I'm America's Funniest Office Products Dealer. (You can't imagine the pressure!) My encounters with my fellow celebrities are eerily linked. Just before my birth, my parents went to a basketball game. Lou Costello entered the arena, smiled and tipped his hat at Mom. I once played in the prelim to a basketball game featuring Wilt Chamberlain, famous scorer, and coach Red Auerbach, famous cigar smoker. Once, a car carrying Monica Lewinsky drove beside me. Weeks later, President Clinton's limo drove right past me. See how everything fits together? Who? What? I dunno. Third base. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) * Middle child, raised in Cleveland, had a grandparent called "Bompa." It was either develop a sense of humor or undergo massive therapy, okay? I once tried my luck as a stand-up on "Star Search" but lost by one lousy quarter-star. However, Ed McMahon said something that prepared me well for The Style Invitational: As I slunk offstage he hissed, "Loser!" My attempts at humor writing can be found here, at www.topfive.com and at www.dailyprobe.com. And last, I'd like to say hi to my mom and send a sloppy wet kiss to my number one guitar hero, Stephen Stills. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) * Closest to jail: Accidentally threatened major international airport Bones broken in myself: None Bones broken in others: Back, wrist, finger, nose Favorite childhood story: When I was 6, my 2-year-old sister accidentally drank my pee Favorite adult story: [Deleted by ombudsman] Shameful admission: Pro wrestling fan Prideful admission: Outstanding baker Secret ingredient in gingerbread men: Cardamom Did I shave today? Nope, not today How about yesterday? Not then either Best brush with a celebrity: Worked on Wolfman Jack's very last radio show And? He, umm . . . called me Ken. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) ====================================================================== WEEK 436, published January 13, 2002 The Style Invitational; Takes a Powder Week CIII (436): The contest resumes next week. This week, our last installment of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the All-Time Stars of The Style Invitational in 100-Word Autobiographies That Contain One (and Only One) Falsehood. The revised title for next week's column is by Chris Doyle of Burke. I am the son of a preacher man, the brother of two preacher men, and the brother-in-law of another. "I only am escaped alone to tell thee" (Job 1:16). I have degrees in history and linguistics and have yet to use them professionally for a single day. I am married, and we live in a former boardinghouse in which Maj. Dwight Eisenhower got down with Mamie. I also own a half-restored Citroen taxi in which Gen. de Gaulle and the Czech president lunched on oysters and marmalade while fleeing Paris. I now rent out backhoes for a living, so to speak.(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I am an engineer originally from the wee state of Rhode Island. My parents' vaudeville act semi-inspired my humorous bent. I am newly married and newly mortgaged and bear a vague resemblance to Anthony Newley. In the grand scheme of things my success in the Invitational and other humor contests doesn't amount to a hill of flatulence-inducing beans but it does keep me sane. Laughter is the best medicine and is much cheaper than Cipro. If I don't have children, then my Invitational entries will have to be my legacy to the world. Sorry, Mom! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Top Ten Things About Me I appear regularly in one of D.C.'s two best newspapers. My wife is a brilliant babe and regular reader of Style. My house runs on renewable energy, and I don't mean my production of methane. Two words: Rice cakes. My mother thinks she'll live forever, and with my luck, she will. I kick butt on AOL cribbage. I had an 11-word job title at the Energy Department. I'm a good loser but a bad winner. What I lack in originality, I make up in self-referential pithiness. There are two lies in this list. (Joseph Romm, Washington) I was born in Mississippi in the 1960s, which is the 1920s in rest-of-the-U.S. years. An early distaste for math led inexorably to my getting a PhD in economics. My hobbies are consulting (for MiCRA, where intelligent bosses should give employees large raises for plugging the firm in the newspaper) and making movies (the latest, "Revenge of the Dark Chocolate Bunny," is available on VHS for the low price of $19.99 plus tax). Did I mention I was an economist? Art Grinath is my nom de plume; most people know me as Alan Greenspan. (P.S. I'm the one in red.) (Art Grinath, Silver Spring) ====================================================================== WEEK 437, published January 20, 2002 The Style Invitational; Week CIV (437): The Telegraph Poll Three boys are walking down the street. Their names are Jim, Tom and Kick-me-in-the-Butt . . . A German, a Frenchman and a really, really, really stingy Scotsman are playing golf, and . . . So aides to Tom Daschle and Tom Brokaw are snorting what they think is really powerful cocaine, when . . . This week's contest: Tell us the beginning of a joke that badly telegraphs the punch line. First-prize winner gets a pair of disposable men's paper underpants from a vending machine in Tokyo. Yes, the Czar is back. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 28. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Paul Kocak of Syracuse, N.Y. Report from Week XCV (428), in which we asked you to answer supposedly unanswerable questions in the voice of someone well-known. Many people reported that Capt. Hook believes the sound of one hand clapping is: "Ow. Ow. Ow." (And yes, we know that we are taking this week out of order. We have our reasons.) Fourth Runner-Up: If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear it, does it make any noise? No, and no one will miss it, either. -- Gale Norton (Peter Mansbach, Bethesda) Third Runner-Up: If God is good, how can He permit evil? Don't get me started. -- Job (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) Second Runner-Up: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The chegg. -- Henry Clay (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) First Runner-Up: What is art? Without a doubt. -- Magic 8 Ball (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the winner of the half-gallon Texas "short beer" mug: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? In a faraway town in a single-room school A question was asked by old Miss O'Toole. She looked at the class and then called upon Greg, "Which came first," she asked, "Was it chicken or egg?" The class sat in silence, the clock was a-tickin', Greg thought for a while and responded with "Chicken." Then bossy Kay Beane shouted, "Greg, you're so dumb, The egg was here first. Where do chickens come from?" The debate got so loud Miss O'Toole had to say, "This discussion is over, let's call it a day." Now the children went home, back to where they reside. By the following morning, the whole town took up sides. Many battles were started, and the people got scared, "This town needs an answer," the mayor declared. "There's fighting in Whoville, and that's a disgrace. But I've got a solution: Let's have us a race! To stage the thing right, I'll ask Farmer Brown, He owns a big farm on the far side of town. The farm stands on ground filled with nuclear waste Which means, for this contest, no one's better placed. He's got human-size eggs that evolved to grow feet! And mutated chickens raised on blue-colored wheat." The mayor decided: "We'll just see how it goes: Two-headed chicken versus big egg with toes. The first to the finish will be crowned as the winner, The other contestant will be tonight's dinner." Oh, the children were happy they had off from school, When the race was announced by their teacher, O'Toole. Some were rooting for Egg, some cried out "Go, Bird!"(A tree fell in the forest, but nobody heard.) Everyone cheered as the runners loped by, And when it was over the race was a tie. The crowd cried as one, "What to do, Mayor Marvin? We need to have dinner, our children are starvin'." "Since none of them won," Marv said, "both of them lost, So into the oven the two will be tossed." It was a huge feast that the whole town did eat. And to think that it happened on Mulberry Street. -- Dr. Seuss (Elliott Schiff, Orefield, Pa.) Honorable Mentions: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make any noise? Yes, it does. Cha-ching! -- Weyerhaeuser Co. (Ralph Emerson Powe III, Germantown) No, it does not make a noise. A noise is something rude, something that is disturbing to someone. The tree that falls in an empty forest makes a sound. -- Miss Manners (Shaina Stark, Darnestown) What is art? Here in Afghanistan, we measure art by the amount of dynamite necessary to secure its destruction. -- Mullah Omar (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) The jerk who owns the Baltimore Ravens -- Cleveland Browns fan (Walt Smith, Wooster, Ohio) I'll know it when I ban it. -- Jesse Helms (John Kammer, Herndon) If God is good, how can He permit evil? I have met God and looked into his soul, and I found out that He tries his best to make everything good. -- George W. Bush (Daniel Mauer, Silver Spring) A better question is, how can He permit tackiness? -- Martha Stewart (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Wait, which God? -- Odysseus (Michael Biggs, Columbia) How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Angel who dances on head of pin misses the point. -- Confucius (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What is the sound of one hand clapping? Dude, it's like this cl-cl-cl sound. Like, you never hear the ap-ap-ap part. -- Keanu Reeves (Judith Cottrill, New York) Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The egg. The first chicken mutated from an animal that was not a chicken. That animal produced the egg that became the chicken. So, the egg came first. It is obvious, so please stop this stupid debate. -- Charles Darwin (Stan Horowitz, Falls Church; Frank Ierardi, Gaithersburg; Michael Biggs, Columbia) It doesn't matter, as long as they both had fun and tried their best. -- The soccer coach at any Montessori school (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) Vhichever vas more arrrroussed. -- Dr. Ruth Westheimer (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The kumquat. -- Salvador Dali (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) ====================================================================== WEEK 438, published January 27, 2002 Week CV (438): What's the Pun Line? Why did Van Gogh? He wanted more Monet! What's the use of Tolkien? Well, communication is a good Hobbit! How do you deal with a golf-hating wife? You gotta Palmer off on someone else! What does it feel like to have the Devil use a rusty staple gun to attach your ears to your butt maybe 666 times a day for all eternity? Mohammed Atta know! What does an editor scream when a manuscript is dying? This week's contest was suggested by the intriguingly named Catherine Shapleigh of Quito, Ecuador: Ask a question and answer it, somewhere incorporating the name of at least one famous person, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a genuine Violet Ray quack medical device from the 1930s, which promises a cure for a variety of diseases, including "brain fag." It is worth a lot more than $2.97. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 4. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week XCVI (429), in which we asked how we will know when certain cultural institutions have reached their peak and "jumped the shark," beginning their inevitable slides into oblivion. In many cases, you declared this to have already happened: Some of your examples were as self-evident, and therefore as unfunny, as "Dennis Miller on 'Monday Night Football.' " But others were niftier: Evel Knievel jumped the shark when he jumped the Snake (John R. Junker, Manassas). Also: Your presidency jumps the shark when the best thing you can say about yourself is that you are "not a crook" -- and it doesn't sound that convincing. (Russell Beland, Springfield). The best of these: Fourth Runner-Up: Sign the U.S. Army has jumped the shark: Everybody gets a beret!(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Third Runner-Up: Sign that "Jeopardy!" has jumped the shark: It hires Vanna to point to each answer. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Sign that the British monarchy has jumped the shark: Wills declines the crown on the grounds that it is "too much work." (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) First Runner-Up: Sign that Victoria's Secret has jumped the shark: Underwear for you and your pet. (Mariann Simms, Wetumpka, Ala.) And the winner of the Backstreet Boys throw pillow and an original Rubber Ducky: Sign that the Roman Catholic Church has jumped the shark: Puffs of smoke are replaced by a vote-total display in St. Peter's Square on a giant Pope-o-Rama TV screen. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Honorable Mentions: The Metropolitan Opera: Karaoke Night. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The Supreme Court: Rules 5-4 that Mary Ann is sexier than Ginger. (Art Grinath) "ER": A talking dog is admitted. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The Washington Wizards: Start running Chicago Bulls highlights on the jumbo screen. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) NBC: " 'Meet the Press' Bloopers." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The Olympics: Jell-O Wrestling. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) HCI Books: Chicken Soup for the Constipated. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) CBS: "Improperly Touched by an Angel." (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Ann Landers: "Get yourself some bigger bazooms, sister." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) AARP: Lowers admission age to 39. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: Set up a Psychic Healing Hotline. (Chris Doyle) England: Buckingham Palace guards now are permitted to scratch once every 15 minutes. (Chris Doyle, Burke) England: Big Ben goes digital. (Chris Doyle) Wheaties: Breakfast of Champions AND Losers! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) CNN: Christiane Amanpour reports from the field in a diaphanous gown, push-up bra and spike heels, with the sound of a zipper in the background. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Any sitcom: When all the cast members just sit around one episode "remembering" previous episodes. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "The X-Files": Scully investigates where the hell her socks went after they were "abducted" from the dryer. (Mark Young, Washington) Your relationship has jumped the shark when he calls you "that woman." (M. Lewinsky, New York, via Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob Dylan: He writes a tribute song for O.J., claiming he was framed. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Homeland security: Jersey barriers erected to protect Jersey barriers. (Tom Restivo, Frederick) Harry Potter: Harry discovers he is really Voldemort's son. (Susan Reiss, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 439, published February 3, 2002 Week CVI (439): No Can Do Sign of an incompetent terrorist: He tries to fax you anthrax. Sign of an incompetent kidnapper: He grabs Vanilla Ice for ransom. Sign of an incompetent hip-hop artist: Raps about "getting more cuddle time" with his hos. Sign of an incompetent kamikaze pilot: "Toga! Toga! Toga!" Sign of an incompetent inventor: He's trying to build a better mouse. This week's contest: Signs of incompetence. First-prize winner gets a genuine Redskins mug celebrating the Super Bowl XXII championship team. It's worth $15. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 11. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke. Report from Week XCIV (427), a contest that ran in November, in which we asked you to come up with things that are less likely to occur than the Redskins winning the Super Bowl. Intriguingly, more than 20 people offered some variation of: "Washington actually getting a baseball team some time between now and the Heat Death of the Universe." Fourth Runner-Up: "Wow! These X-Ray Specs really work!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Someone, somewhere, buys premium gas for a rental car. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Second Runner-up: Kathleen Kennedy Townsend drops her middle name for her run at the Maryland governorship, because "it is shorter." (Steve Fahey, Kensington) First runner-up: Tom Ridge defeats Osama bin Laden in a knife fight atop the Statue of Liberty, which ends with bin Laden falling over the side. However, Ridge grabs his wrist and explains that he'd like to let Osama die but that in America we believe in due process. Then he slaps the cuffs on. (Mike Elliott, Oberlin, Ohio) And the winner of the Dalmatian toilet brush holder: Timothy McVeigh Middle School. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) Honorable Mentions: Jodie Foster comes to realize John Hinckley is actually kind of sexy. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Thousands of American men get bored with the Civil War and become Y2K reenactors instead. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Geraldo returns from Afghanistan, explaining, "I'm afraid of gunfire."(John Held, Fairfax) My wife, a teacher, signs a 10-year, $252 million contract. (Ranald Totten, Kill Devil Hills, N.C.) I will watch a Britney Spears video in order to enjoy her firm, full, round, bouncy and youthful singing voice. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Elton John does a version of "Candle in the Wind" after Osama dies. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Sly Stallone stars in "The Oscar Wilde Story." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Don and Mike win a MacArthur genius grant. (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) The pope declares the pointy miter "bogus" and starts wearing baseball caps. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mayor Williams inaugurates the "Adopt-a-Rat" program. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Kosher pigs fly into Hell and drop in a snowball that doesn't melt at all! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Mike Tyson has a fender bender with O.J. Simpson. They get out, apologize profusely, politely exchange insurance information and offer to pay for the repairs. (Adam J. Reese, Silver Spring) France adopts English as its native language. (John R. Junker, Manassas) Congress passes, and the president signs, a law making it illegal for anyone who has made a political contribution to be appointed an ambassador. (David Funkhouser, Rockville) An American is able to come up with the name of three professional bicycle racers. (Michael Cohen, Washington) Toni Morrison calls Dubya "the second black president." (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) The National Enquirer wins the Pulitzer Prize for "MICHAEL JACKSON CANCER SCARE." (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) Michael Crichton writes a book that is completely unfilmable. (Mark Young, Washington) In her annual Christmas address, Queen Elizabeth calls Osama bin Laden "a real pantload." (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) An appliance repairman actually shows up at 8:05 instead of 3:58 in the 8-4 time window. (Bev Barth, Prince Frederick, Md.) Oprah AND Woody Allen figure themselves out. (D.C. Hauser, New York) You are delightfully debt-free as a result of your debt consolidation loan. (John C. Muehl, Springfield) The Czar prints one of hundreds of entries reading: "Me, winning this contest." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) The Czar admits that I have been blackmailing him for years. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) ====================================================================== WEEK 440, published February 10, 2002 Week CVII (440): Picture This This Week's Contest: What is going on in these cartoons? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a can of slug chowder and two moose-poop swizzle sticks, donated to the Style Invitational by Seamus Kennedy of Arnold, Md. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 18. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week XCVII (430), in which we asked you to take any contest from the past and supply an answer that would have pleased the beloved if somewhat starchy and rectitudinous Washington Post ombudsman. Third Runner-Up (for a contest inviting readers to speculate on the nature of "Ginger," at the time a still-secret but much-ballyhooed invention): Rampant speculation is no substitute for patient, diligent, responsible, plodding, tedious, "unsexy" though necessary journalism. If the Style Invitational staff had done its homework, it would have waited to learn that "Ginger" -- or the Segway, as it is really known -- is a self-balancing, one-person electric-powered people mover. The readership of this newspaper would be better served by self-balancing editors. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Second Runner-Up (for a contest seeking Rodney Dangerfieldisms): I don't get no respect. Possibly it is because of my grammar. (Russell Beland, Springfield) First Runner-Up (for a contest seeking epitaphs for the still living): The Post Ombudsman: "A tombstone is an inappropriate place for humor." (Larry Cynkin, Kensington) And the winner of the Grandpa Pig flatulence doll(for a Very Bad Poetry contest): Fie, profane Scribe! Foe of the Chaste! Hierarch of Style's shrine to ungood taste! Why necesse the fair bosom'd lass and stout-chested swain -- Your Readers! -- to suffer nonce the Blush of Shame? Run away, sturdy man and comely virtuous maid, Flee the unseemly Sunday levity, for which I now upbraid The foul Czar, speared thus by bold Ombudsman's pen! Beat it, jerko, and don't show your stupid face again. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Honorable Mentions: Jokes based on sounds: What goes "poop poop poop poop poop"? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Air quotes: E"rot"ica: All that sexual rubbish that has no place in a quality newspaper. (Mark Young, Washington) "Tramp"oline: A bouncer who dresses like Charlie Chaplin. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Signs you are watching too much TV: You begin to berate yourself, and rightfully so, for neglecting your family. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Jeopardy!: Answer: "Gimme an I! Gimme an R! Gimme an S!" Question: What are three examples of a slovenly use of a contraction? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) You can tell someone is lazy if . . . He or she fails to make every possible effort to contact more than one source for a story. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Useless products: Pornography. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Collective nouns: A decorum of ombudsmen. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Signs you are overusing the cell phone: You find yourself using it while driving, a potential safety hazard that you deplore in others. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Lessons learned from going to the dentist: Gingivitis may sound funny, but it is no laughing matter. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Bad ideas for toys: Questionable Ethics Barbie. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Baby's First Digitally Altered Picture Book. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) New Crayola colors: Complex Shades of Gray. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Hyphen the Terrible: Thigh-man: A fellow who enjoys the dark meat of chicken. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) ====================================================================== WEEK 441, published February 17, 2002 Week CVIII (441): Spit the Difference What is the difference between Enron and a salmon? They both smell fishy, but you can't buy a piece of salmon for thirty cents. This Week's Contest: Take any two nouns that appear on the front page of today's Washington Post (or today's home page of washingtonpost.com) and explain how the nouns differ from each other, as in the example illustrated above, which was taken from a recent Page A1. You can use proper names, and you can also include any modifiers that appear with the noun. (As in, say, "large, steamy chalupas.") First-prize winner gets a genuine antique 1968 Democratic Campaign Bottle, still in its box, in the shape of a donkey with Hubert Humphrey's face. This is worth $50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 25. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and phone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke. Report from Week CIV (437), in which you were asked to come up with the opening lines to a joke that badly telegraphs the punch line. Many people missed the point, instead taking well-known jokes and clumsily ruining the punch line. Close, but no exploding cigar. The best of these: Watson and Holmes are camping out on a night of beautiful stars, which they cannot see because they are in a tent. At one point Holmes awakens and . . . (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.; Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Also, How many really selfish, arrogant people -- you know, the sort of people who think the world revolves around them -- does it take to screw in a light bulb? (Billy Trimble, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Bill Buckner, the 1990s Buffalo Bills and George W. Bush are eating pretzels one day when . . . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) First Runner-Up: Knock, knock. Who's there? Jiang Spit-on-Me-if-I-Say-the-Same-Word-Twice-in-a-Row Hu. (Russell and Adam Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the Japanese disposable men's underpants: Samuel F.B. Morse's wife, Dorothy, who is a champion sprinter, asks his advice on a race the following day. "Well, Dot," he said . . . (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Honorable Mentions: Two really pompous upper-class bird enthusiasts were enjoying their luncheon on a park bench when one said to the other, "Do you have any Grey Poupon?" and . . . (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Linda Tripp walks into a Volkswagen dealership, and says she needs to replace her '98 Bug, and . . . (Mark Young, Washington) For Bill Clinton's surprise birthday party, his friends buy him a fancy centerpiece: An ice sculpture of Hillary, which . . . (Mark Young, Washington) So Tipper Gore and her friend, Tyler, were out in a canoe . . . (Robin D. Diallo, Lilongwe, Malawi) The Rev. Archibald Spooner, after whom Spoonerisms were named, was speaking with his bishop, who observed there might be a rainstorm later in the day. Not wishing to give any offense, Rev. Spooner decided to give the polite and equivocal answer of "Might be." Unfortunately . . . (Roy Ashley, Washington) So Bill Gates is traveling on a highway, when he has a crash, and . . . (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) Al Gore, Pinocchio and Howdy Doody are . . . (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were complaining about the things they had to cut from their lives to be true to their religions . . . (Judith Cottrill, New York) Sen. Byrd, carrying one of those giant foam hands, meets two of the Bushes . . . (Dane C. Petersen, Arlington) Monica Lewinsky is buying a car, and this salesman is bragging about how much space this one model has between the driver and the roof of the car, so . . . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Joe Running Horse goes into a restaurant, and the maitre' d says there are no tables available for drop-ins, so Joe . . . (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) This very stupid sailor is asked to swab the poop deck . . . (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The doctor tells Vanna White that she has irritable bowel syndrome, and . . . (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Seeking to replace Buddy and Socks, Bill and Hillary go to the pound and cannot decide between an alley cat and a female dog, when . . . (Sandra Hull, Arlington) A priest who wants to buy a parrot for his bishop goes into a pet shop owned by a guy with Tourette's syndrome . . . (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Vincent van Gogh travels to the future in a time machine, and the first person he meets is Mike Tyson . . . (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A chef decides to travel to a cooking contest, so he gets on a plane with his specialty, a frozen dessert called a bombe (which is pronounced "bom" and not "bom-bay"), and . . . (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A Laplander orders an extra-hot cup of coffee at McDonald's . . . (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Two Eskimo boys and their friend, Shotgun-Wedding-in-the-Igloo, were wondering about the origin of family names . . . (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) This termite inspector with a peg leg . . . (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Bob Dole had forgotten his hearing aid when Al Gore complained about his election results . . . (Bob Dalton, Arlington) The baritone who always wished he could sing tenor was swimming off the coast of Florida . . . (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) ====================================================================== WEEK 442, published February 24, 2002 Week CIX (442): Titletales All's Well That Ends Swell: The classic Shakespearean comedy about generational collision and the nature of love. Mickey Rooney plays Bertram. Pulp Friction: Everything you want to know about electric juicers, and more. Zero stars. Nude Rockne, All American: This X-rated version of the classic puts the dame back in Notre Dame. The Pig and the Pendulum: An early attempt to mechanize a slaughterhouse turns into a real horror story. Rated R. Extreme violence. This week's contest: Take any real book or movie, change one word slightly, and describe the resulting new product. First-prize winner gets a T-shirt commemorating the famous 1998 Loserpalooza brunch in Annapolis organized by Style Invitational regulars -- Chuck Smith, Jennifer Hart and Russell Beland et al. -- which Gov. Parris Glendening agreed to attend. But then he canceled! But they had already made him a Loser T-shirt that says "Gov" on the back! You win that shirt! It's priceless. It was donated by John Kammer, Sandra Hull and Jonathan Paul. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, March 4. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CV (438), in which you were asked to make a pun out of a famous name. Third Runner-Up: Is that CNN anchorwoman hot, or what? Oh yeah, Paula Zahn fire! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: How do you announce that an assisted suicide has been successful? Stick Kevorkian him, he's done! (Stephen Shepherd, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: Vy should ve not feel bad for all dose people vhat lost money mit the Enron case? Dey should have seen .coming! (Joe Kobylski, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the antique Violet Ray quack medical device: What did the feminist singer say to Sadat? All Liz Phair in love, Anwar! (Chris Doyle, Burke) Honorable Mentions: How did Elmer Fudd get to Baltimore? He took the Mark Twain! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Who was postwar Germany's great champion of daylight-saving time? Konrad Adenauer! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Should I believe what that Hungarian composer told me last night at the club? Nah, it was just Bartok! (Frank Mullen III, Heathsville, Md.) Why did the secretary of defense ban hard liquor? Because Rumsfeld many a soldier! (Billy Trimble, Washington) Why did the TV exec decide to keep his current anchor Rather than replace him? He said, "If it ain't Brokaw, don't fix it!" (Mike Genz, La Plata) I took a bullet in the hip from a botched Mafia hit. What should I do? You Ray Liotta see a doctor about it! (Chris Doyle, Burke) What did the woman say to the French actress who cut in front of her in line? Of all Deneuve! (Sandra Segal, Rockville) Camus conceive of life as totally devoid of meaning? Not completely yet, but I am making a Sartre on it! (Mike Genz, La Plata) You ask, Madame Secretary, what you should eat in Paris? You Juanita Kreps suzette every chance you get! (Chris Doyle, Burke) Mr. President, weren't you going to get laser surgery for your vision? Yes, but I heard bad things about that clinic. They do too many Eisenhower! (Clay Hale, Winchester) How did the Patriots make it to the Super Bowl? Drew Bledsoe much that Tom Brady took over! (Tim Bendel, Chantilly) What do ancient Chinese sayings sometimes do to us Westerners? Confucius! (Mike Genz, La Plata) Who was Russia's great literary nepotist? Alexander Pushkin! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Who stole from the rich to give to the Pooh? Christopher Robin Hood! (Russell Beland, Springfield) What happened when Carlo Ponti left Sophia for a Broadway composer? He broke Lorenz Hart! (Chris Doyle, Burke) Khomeini ayatollahs can dance on the head of a pin? None -- ayatollahs don't dance! (Joshua Miller, Sparks, Md.) If the Supreme Court had ruled that there had to be co-presidents, why would the Russians have had an easier time spying on us? There would have been a Gore-Bush chef in the White House! (Fred S. Souk, Reston) When Tarkenton ruled the Vikings' locker room, what topped Fran's Liszt of do's and don'ts? Remember to take your Jacques Offen ====================================================================== WEEK 443, published March 3, 2002 Week CX (443): Sick Humor The En-runs: When imprudent investments send your life savings down the toilet. Divertalkulitis: Painfully earnest and boring fare on Sunday morning TV. HMOrrhoids: A bloody nuisance caused by federal laws that permit stingy insurance coverage. This week's contest was proposed by Dan Helming of Maplewood, N.J. Your challenge is to come up with modern diseases of Washington life. First-prize winner gets a genuine program from the 1957 U.S. presidential inauguration, which describes Dwight Eisenhower as a president as great as Lincoln and Washington, and contains what may be the dowdiest picture ever taken of Mamie. It is worth $30. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, March 11. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Bob Sorensen of Herndon. Report from Week CVI (439), in which we asked for signs of incompetence. Special T-shirt award goes to Jeff Wallenfelt of Waldorf, who sent us eight separate e-mails reading, "Did this get through?" His entry was "sign of an incompetent e-mailer." Fourth Runner-Up: Sign of an incompetent al Qaeda terrorist: hijacks a flight simulator. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Third Runner-Up: Sign of an incompetent phone-sex operator: "I'm 39 and sort of dumpy, wearing a pink housecoat . . . " (Marc Liebert, New York) Second Runner-Up: Sign your lawyer is incompetent: As he is questioning you on the witness stand, he keeps asking you whether you realize you are under oath. (Daniel L. Gray, Washington) First Runner-Up: Sign of an incompetent Tourette's syndrome sufferer: "You gosh-darned danged noodlehead! What the h-e-double hockey sticks are you . . ." (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) And the winner of the Redskins Super Bowl XXII mug: Sign of an incompetent sommelier: "Do you want a glass with that?" (Kyle Bonney, Fairfax) Honorable Mentions: Boxing promoter: His press conferences are marked by regrettable incidents of civility and outbreaks of jovial, good-natured banter. (John C. Feltz, Fairfax) Undertaker: Emphasizes cleavage. (Mark Updike, Crownsville) Alchemist: Tries to turn gold into lead. (Vic Krysko, Yorkshire, England; Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Dominatrix: Fuzzy pink bunny slippers. (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Herndon) U.S. attorney general: Sees the world as a place where relative truths contend, instead of the setting for a Manichaean struggle between the purely good and the purely evil. (John Ashcroft, Washington; Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Metro operator: Uses the PA system to accuse passengers of stealing the steering wheel. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Seeing Eye dog: Chases cars. (Lauren Joseff, Reston) Miss America contestant: Asked which person she admires most, she says, "My plastic surgeon." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Middle Eastern terrorist: Travels under the name Joe-Bob El Aziz. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Enron exec: He's still waiting for the right time to exercise his stock options. (Walter Webert, Bethesda) Plagiarist: Copies his professor's doctoral thesis. (Bob Grossman, Columbia) Fast-food employee: You order fries and he asks if you want fries with that. (Garrett Thomson, Toronto; Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Southern Italian: "Bubba-ding bubba-doom." (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Mortician: Muffled screams at funerals. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Folk-singing family: Flees the Nazis by escaping to the Sudetenland. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Optometrist: "Can you read the FELOPZ line?" (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Marathon runner: Tries "Olestra loading" before the big race. (Robin Grove, Pasadena, Md.) Voyeur: Wears cameras on his shoes to look up women's nostrils. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Liberal: Has a bleeding pancreas. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Terrorist: "Pull my finger" bomb proves ineffective outside five feet. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Chiropractor: Asks if your children have stepped on a crack recently. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Gynecologist: Refers to the parts by their street names. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Hip-hop artist: Chooses a moniker like Soc R Mom or Biggie Fries. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Abstract expressionist painter: Inspires comments from gallery patrons that "My 4-year-old nephew couldn't do that." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Accountant: Uses only Roman numerals. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Lawyer: Won't confer with you without his lawyer present. (M. Lilly Welsh, Oakton) Panhandler: Spends the money on thank-you notes. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 444, published March 10, 2002 Week CXI (444): Advice Squad This week's contest was proposed by Thomas Croll of Centreville. Take any letter from any of today's advice columns -- Ann Landers, Miss Manners, Tell Me About It, or Ask Marilyn (in Parade) -- and answer it in the voice of someone famous, living or dead. Fifty words, max. First-prize winner gets a genuine "Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius" rubber wig, a promotional item supplied by the filmmaker in the hopes of securing favorable treatment from The Post, whose eventual review opined that this animated film "contains mild scatological references and little else of interest." First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, March 18. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CVII (440), in which we asked you to tell us what was happening in any of these cartoons. Many people suggested that Cartoon 5 was "a woman listening to the can-can." Fourth Runner-Up:(Cartoon 5) Spot often dreamed of where he'd like to put that rolled-up newspaper. (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon 3) In Sally's case, that thingy in the back of the throat WAS a little punching bag. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon 2) Yes, Cheese Grater Man was on the scene of the crime, but nobody, not even Cheese Grater Man himself, felt any better about it. (Eric Schaffer, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon 2) Volvo's new line of men's sweaters. (Ralph Scott, Washington) And the winner of the Slug Chowder and moose-poop swizzle sticks: (Cartoon 7) After years of being misused by ignorant American's, the apostrophe commits suicide by drinking poison. (Chris Hill, Santa Fe, N.M.) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon 1 Bob tried this "going on line" thing, but wasn't impressed. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Man falls in love with acute angle. (John Kammer, Herndon) Midgets tend to have trouble with chopsticks. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Because he was the best in the world, Sven was disappointed that butt-sledding was only a demonstration sport at the Olympics. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Calista Flockhart's son learned from an early age not to climb on Mom. (Clay Hale, Winchester, Va.; David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Seconds too late, Fritz realizes that the pole vault on ice is not a good idea for a Winter Olympic event. (Mike Hammer, Arlington) In a last-ditch effort to let others know of his plight, the Incredible Shrinking Man capitalizes on the nose hair from hell. (Daniel Helming, Maplewood, N.J.) Cartoon 2 Special agent Liebowitz begins to have concerns that the Bureau's new Al Qaeda terrorist sting operation is not well conceived. (Fred S. Souk, Reston) Wallace mistakenly thought his girlfriend had promised to sleep with him if he "wears a condo." (Tom Campbell, Highland Park, Ill.) Having no feet, Rodney was kicked out of the Hot Air Balloon Club for constantly poking through too many baskets. (John Bauer, Gaithersburg) Walter Gropius regretted for eternity his pact with the Devil. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Cartoon 3 Never tell an extremely literal person to hold her breath. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Greta Van Susteren completes her Fox TV makeover by ripping out her own soul. (Brian C. Broadus, Charlottesville) Always one for complicated solutions to simple problems, Lois has just noticed that her clothes are on inside out. (Niels Hoven, Houston) This woman is signing the Starr Report for her deaf friends. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Just another stupid sight gag. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; Laurence Pearl, Washington) An old and lonely Linda Lovelace. (John Bauer, Gaithersburg) It's not enough to find your inner child. Sometimes it needs a handshake, too. (Mark Young, Washington) Never tell a lawyer she has a heart of gold. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Ann decided that if she wanted her arms to be the same length, she would have to chew off most of the longer one. (Mike Hammer, Arlington) The captain of the women's hurling team. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Chris Doyle, Burke) Cartoon 4 The crotch-guided Segway never did catch on. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) This man is high on mushrooms. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Paul Kondis, Alexandria) You can tell it's an election year when the suits are spinning like crazy. (Mark Young, Washington) Abducting earthlings is more challenging for aliens from smaller planets. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Cartoon 5 Lucy keeps a log in her head of her day's activities. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Russia's venerable can-and-string telephone system was transformed by wireless technology. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Never again would Rachel awaken to find that her ears had been mysteriously pierced. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Loretta doesn't want to hear that she has a nose like the Transamerica Building. (Marc Leibert, New York) After a long career as a goalie in a foosball game, Sara is really enjoying her retirement. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Cartoon 6 Redneck hara-kiri. (Dmitri Levitas, College Park; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A man who was given a choice of sawing himself in half or "cuddling" for an hour. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The Great Gorbonzo had fallen on hard times: He could no longer afford a tuxedo OR an assistant. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Cartoon 7 A man on a bender. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Jeffrey Dahmer informs Robert that what he has been drinking is literally "a cup of Joe." (Ned Bent, Herndon) C-sickness. (Matt Burke, Alexandria; J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Ken Lay takes one fifth too many. (James Noble, Lexington Park, Md.) ====================================================================== WEEK 445, published March 17, 2002 Week CXII (445): Another Round of Bierce Peace: n., in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. Politics: n., a strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. Bore: n., a person who talks when you want him to listen. This Week's Contest was suggested by John O'Byrne of Dublin, Ireland. John proposes that we add a few entries to Ambrose Bierce's famous "Devil's Dictionary," items from which are reprinted above. Bierce (1842-1914) was one of the world's most fabulous cynics, and his is the model to follow. Define any words you wish with an unapologetic cynical slant. First-prize winner gets a genuine Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey clown mask and nose, a value of $30. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, March 25. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Joseph Romm of Washington. Report From Week CVIII (441), in which we asked you to tell us the difference between any two nouns on Page A1 of that day's paper. And no, we didn't know there was going to be a story about mammograms, a subject that appeared in more than a half of all submitted entries. Tom Witte of Gaithersburg wins a T-shirt for an entry a little too tasteless to print, in the sense that a Chevrolet Suburban with four-wheel drive is a little too big to fit in an egg cup. Third Runner-Up: What is the difference between women's hockey and voluntary standards for corporate governance? The women still have a few teeth. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Second Runner-Up: What is the difference between letters and the Winter Games? When the Winter Games are opened, people are HAPPY to see powder. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) First Runner-Up What is the difference between figure skating and Bush campaign advisers? In figure skating, you go DIRECTLY to the judges for a tainted 5-4 vote.(Steve Fahey, Kensington) And the winner of the 1968 Democratic campaign bottle: What is the difference between President Bush and major campaign contributors? Bush speaks of the axis of evil, while campaign contributors bespeak the evil of access. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Honorable Mentions: What is the difference between crosswords and Number One? You're allowed to do crosswords in the last half-hour of an airplane flight into Washington. (Chris Doyle, Burke) The French judge vs. a breast: One is a world-class doofus, and the other is just an ordinary boob. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Gold bullion vs. long yawns: Yumpin' Yiminy, a good pair of long yawns keep you lots warmer than gold bullion, you betcha. (Mike Edens, Charlottesville) The Washington Post vs. a breast imaging specialist: It would be surprising if someone accused the breast imaging specialist of favoring the left. (Mark Young, Washington) Food vs. a suicide bomb: They're alertly watching for food on the Metro. (Chris Doyle, Burke) A mammogram vs. al Qaeda: Nothing -- they are both principals in the search for killer cells. (Carl Nelson, Vienna) The Washington Post vs. mammograms: In the case of mammograms, if you don't get it, you might get it. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Details vs. Osama bin Laden: No difference, because the Devil is in both. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Winter Olympics vs. West Virginia: In the Winter Olympics, there's no Men's Loogie. (Chris Doyle, Burke) A breast vs. a Marine: You can order a Marine to "fall out" and he will! (James Noble, Lexington Park, Md.) Al Qaeda vs. Enron: The al Qaeda pension plan is better. (James Noble, Lexington Park, Md.) Mammograms vs. figure skating judging: No difference -- both involve putting pressure on boobs. (Linda Early, Washington; David Rizzo, Centreville) Women vs. Marines: After 50 years, the Marines still think there are a few good men to be found. (Joe Harsel, Falls Church) Donahue vs. president: One had sex with "That Girl." The other did not have sex with "that woman." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Women vs. a bus: Nobody panics if the bus is a little late. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Details vs. debate: Details are what you cut off fish before you cook 'em, and debate is what you use to catch 'em. Don't you city folks know nothing? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Autumn vs. an oncologist: "Autumn" would be a good name for a stripper. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Women's hockey vs. Enron: Only one can give you a legal check. (John Bauer, Gaithersburg) Figure skating vs. a presidential election: In figure skating, there is less spinning. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Pharaohs vs. intelligence officers: Intelligence officers spend their time encrypting, and pharaohs spend their time in crypts. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) washingtonpost.com vs. dark country roads: It is easier to navigate dark country roads. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Cold metal vs. mortality: You can't lick either one. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Anger vs. Capitol Hill: One never solves anything, and the other is an emotion. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A billiard room vs. manners: In a billiard room, you can scratch. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The pyramids vs. the United States Congress: One is the final resting place for mummified corpses, and the others are in Egypt. (Paula LaFemina, Smithsburg, Md.) The Taliban vs. diamonds: Diamonds are a girl's best friend. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Newspapers vs. a cold Carolina night: Nothing -- you don't want to be caught naked in either one. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A breast vs. PBS: A breast appeals to males age 18 to 34. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) A network vs. mammography: A network keeps one abreast of the news, while mammography gives one news of the breast. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Taxpayers vs. a horse: There's a limit to how much you can saddle a horse with. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) ====================================================================== WEEK 446, published March 24, 2002 Week CXIII (446): Poems Where the Heart Is No one's quite willing to say How Enron collapsed in a day. Since no one's confessing There's simply no guessing Where most of the real blame Ken Lay. This Week's Contest was suggested by Grady Norris, of New Bern, N.C. Take any recent news event and summarize it in a rhyming poem of eight lines or fewer. Any style. First-prize winner gets a three-piece mariachi band made from taxidermized frogs. This is worth $30. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, April 1. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Mark Fruiterman, of Albany, N.Y. Report from Week CIX (442), in which we asked you to slightly alter one word in the title of a book or movie, and reconfigure the plot. We got more than 5,000 entries. Several excellent title alterations remain prizeless because the authors never quite came up with worthy accompanying plots. Among these: "On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix," "Down and Out in Beverly Sills," "Five Easy Pisces" and "The Brothers Kalashnikov." Fourth Runner-Up: The Thee Musketeers: A trio of swashbuckling Amish farmers valiantly defend their way of life. (Kyle Bonney, Fairfax) Third Runner-Up: The Velveeta Rabbit: Sadly, no matter how much love you give it, it's simply never going to be Real. (Peter Cashwell, Woodberry Forest, Va.) Second Runner-Up: The Perfect Strom: "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" meets "The Stepford Wives." When America's oldest senator dies, a South Carolina biotech firm creates an animatronic robot to replace him, and nobody can tell the difference. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) First Runner-Up: Oedipus Ref: A blind man applies for work in the NBA, is hired because of EEOC guidelines. Story chronicles his bravery in the face of fan abuse, including: "Yo, ref, I slept with your mama and I didn't poke MY eyes out." (Roy Ashley, Washington) And the winner of the special Loser T-shirt that Gov. Parris Glendening never picked up: Bambo: A young buck seeks revenge against his mother's killer. (Jeffrey Martin, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: Dial P for Murder, by Dan Quayle.(Roy Ashley, Washington) Maul the President's Men: Having cut their teeth on FBI agents, the Prince George's County K-9 squad takes on the Secret Service. (Jon Graft, Centreville) She's Halving a Baby: An epic on the life of King Solomon. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Hi, Noon: In this prequel to "Goodnight Moon," a little rabbit greets the day and absolutely everything in it. (Dudley Thompson, Rockville) Strangers on a Tray: The Jeffrey Dahmer story. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Four Shreddings and a Funeral: The Enron saga is rushed to the big screen. (Brooks E. Bowers, Damascus; Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The Good, the Bad and Theology: A stranger rides into town and proceeds to set everyone straight. Not all the locals are pleased. Starring Clint Eastwood as Jesus. (Dudley Thompson, Rockville) Exoduh: After leaving the White House, Richard Nixon learns that Israel is "full of Jews." (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Bob & Carol & Ted & Lice: The prequel to "Shampoo." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Abridged Too Far: From Reader's Digest Studios, an epic saga of World War II. 48 minutes; rated G. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) The Angina Monologues: If it's heartache you want, it's heartache you'll get as the author candidly discusses that place "up here." (Jeff Covel, Arlington) The JAMA Sutra: A guide to medically sanctioned safe-sex positions. (Kelly Dalton, Woodberry Forest, Va.) The Faked and the Dead: In hindsight, Norman Mailer admits that maybe he was duped a bit by Jack Henry Abbott. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The Old Man and the D: The saga of J. Howard Marshall and Anna Nicole Smith. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The Adventures of Huckleberry Fink: He sold his friend down the river. (John Foshee, Austin) Apocalypse Snow: Downtown Washington gets some wintry mix during rush hour. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Rocky Too: The fighter faces his toughest opponent yet -- his evil clone! (Joe Neff, Oreland, Pa.) Them Elements of Style: Voted unanimously by educators as Least Useful Reference Book. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Goodwill Hunting: The story of a young man with a first-class mind and second-class wardrobe. (Barry Robbins, Silver Spring) Done With the Wind: The Beano story. (Rita Zeidner, Arlington) Brrr: A novelization of the life of William Henry Harrison, who should have worn a coat to his inauguration. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) The Grapes of Rather: A young reporter in Texas, poor as a June bug in a hailstorm, is forced to travel to New York where, like a hoot owl at a quilting bee, he seeks his fortune in journalism. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) M*O*S*H: The chronicles of the wacky first-aid physicians at rock concerts. (Frank Balz, Silver Spring) Yeast of Eden: The story of the first biblical plague. (Judith Cottrill,New York) Long Day's Journey Into Naught: The biography of Sisyphus. (Peter Ramsberger, Alexandria) Lady Chatterley's Louver: A story of blind obsession. (Michael West, Pittsburgh) The World According to AARP: Show times at 9:30 a.m., noon and 2:30 p.m. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Madame Ovary: A rural 19th-century French wife and her incessantly ticking biological clock. (Chris Rubino, San Diego) There's Something About Dairy: Another Farrelly Bros. comedy, this time set on a farm. Includes predictable trying-to-milk-the-male-cow gag. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) All the Presidents' Menses: Female CEOs have a frank discussion of questionable decisions they make every four weeks. (Bob Grossman, Columbia) Irma El Duce: Turns out ol' Musso had something of the J. Edgar Hoover syndrome -- black shirt by day, black teddy at night. (Judith Cottrill, New York) A Beautiful Hind: A two-hour feature film showing nothing but Anna Kournikova bending over to pick up tennis balls. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Citizen Kant: A young philosopher searches for the meaning of his mentor's dying words: "Does empirical realism sufficiently justify non-reductionistic determinism, or is a priori knowledge required?" (Frank Mullen III, Heathsville, Va.; Joseph Romm, Washington) Duck: In his controversial new biography, Edmund Morris examines the life of Daffy Duck, while imagining himself to be Elmer Fudd. (John Mewshaw, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 447, published March 31, 2002 Week CXIV (447): Acronimble 1. "Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you." -- Anonymous 2. "An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald 3. "It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." -- Gore Vidal 4. "Nostalgia isn't what it used to be." -- Anonymous 5. "They call television a medium because nothing's well done." -- Goodman Ace. 6. "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' till you can find a rock." -- Wynn Catlin This Week's Contest was suggested by the Auxiliary Czar. It is based on the theory that it's easy to be witty. Your challenge is to take any of the witty statements above and use the first letters in each of the words to create a brand-new, unrelated funny statement. You may insert punctuation wherever you like, but you may not change the letter sequence and you must use all the first letters from the quote. (One example is illustrated by the cartoon above, using quote No. 4. Another example, using quote No. 2: An evil plan? I, like, looked all year! -- O.J.) First-prize winner gets a package of 10 barf bags, upon each of which is printed a lengthy excerpt from a romance novel. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, April 8. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CX (443), in which we asked you to come up with new diseases for Washington. Exceptional results. Many people offered versions of: Tourists syndrome, Trentmouth, Electile Dysfunction, Bullemia, Pentagonnorrhea and Influence-a. Sixth Runner-Up: Bell's Palsy-Walsy: Painful condition caused by excessive back-scratching between regulatory agencies and the phone company. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Fifth Runner-Up: Gingrichitis: A gum infection caused by biting off more than you can chew. (Dorothy Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) Fourth Runner-Up: Joke Itch: A restless, squirmy desire to make a wiseacre comment during a boring staff meeting. Can be fatal. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Tackycardia: Enlargement of ego characterized by the boastful display of one's employment badge. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Second Runner-Up: Hickups: Annoying visits from rural constituents. Very hard to shake. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) First Runner-Up: Yeats Infection: Disease in which things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. The blood-dimmed tide is loosed. The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity. Common in Washington. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of the program from the 1957 presidential inauguration: Barry-Barry: An unmitigated nerve disease. (Deborah M. Searson, Avon, Conn.) Honorable Mentions: Diaryea: Compulsive putting down on paper of too much dirt on oneself, for reporters to find. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Mallpox: An unsightly outbreak of memorials. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Tempuramandibular Joint Syndrome: Uncontained spread of bad Japanese restaurants in D.C. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Sirhosis: Terminal sycophantism. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Amen-orrea: A complication of sirhosis. This turns middle managers into rubber stamps. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Loopus: Shriveling of ego caused by being left out of important meetings. (Billy Trimble, Pittsburgh) Loopus: Road rage on the Beltway. (Sandra and Mark Segal, Rockville) Barryum Enema: A diagnostic device that causes the runs. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Glockoma: Causes a blind eye to be turned to the handgun problem in America. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Red Skin: Allergic rash caused by dashed hopes; usually appears in late fall or early winter. (Jonathan Alen Marks, Alexandria, and Lisa Coleman, Arlington) Bleeping sickness: Excessive censorship by the FCC. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Sore-eyeasis: Disfiguring condition afflicting national Mall, caused by T-shirt vendors, etc. (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Jane Springrose, Bradenton, Fla.) Irritable Powell Syndrome: A disease of the Colin, causing meddlesomeness. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia; Steve Fahey, Kensington) Congresstipation: The inability to eliminate waste in government. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Tauzindingelberries: Painful eruptions surrounding something no one understands. (Tom Nolan, Kensington) Postnasal Tripp: Compulsive snooping, even after rhinoplasty. (Chris Doyle, Burke) The Common Scold: Annoying affliction by capital area newspaper columnists who admonish Metro snackers, HOV violators, etc. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Irritable Bowl Syndrome: Ulcerous condition brought on by years of commuting in and around the Springfield interchange. (Doug Burns, Falls Church; Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Acute Reno failure: Causes an extreme burning sensation; a notable outbreak occurred in Central Texas in 1993. (Tony Allen-Mills, Alexandria; Jane Springrose, Bradenton, Fla.) Inattention to Deficit Disorder: A wasting disease. (Daniel Kaufman, Rockville) Hanssen's Disease: An embarrassing outbreak of moles. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Anevilaxis Shock: Amazement at finding your country on the president's hit list. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Wellstones: Irritating shards of idealism; they dissolve into the mainstream within a year or two. (David Hendrick, Charlottesville) Gangreenspan: A constriction of the money supply leading to necrosis of the economy. (Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg) Scaliasis: Curvature of the spine that forces the patient to lean far to the right. (Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg) Starlet Fever: A compulsion to invite celebrities to testify at congressional hearings. (Chris Doyle, Burke; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Herpes Cineplex: A rash of nausea at the conversion of neat old movie theaters into CVS stores. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Monicanucleosis: The kissing-it disease. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Soft issue damage: Slippage in the polls over a minor policy matter. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Castroesophageal Reflux: An irritation that keeps coming up again and again. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Coronary fib-rillation: Little white lies about affairs of the heart. (Dorothy Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) Nymphoma: Unnatural attraction to interns. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Czarcoma: Afflicts contest editors, causing impaired mental ability. Is irreversible. (Chris Doyle, Burke) ====================================================================== WEEK 448, published April 7, 2002 Week CXV (448): What Kind of Foal Am I? Breed Stratus to Windward Passage and name the foal Flatus. Breed Dubai Destination to Raven Power and name the foal Dubaibai Blackbird. Breed Expect to Spitfire Man and name the foal Expectorator. Breed Fonz's to Easy Grades and name the foal All AAAAYYYYY's. This Week's Contest, as it is every year, was suggested by Michael "Mikey the Tout" Hammer, who may have moved from Herndon to Arlington but who remains obsessed by the ponies. Elsewhere on this page is a list of all the horses eligible for Triple Crown races this year. Your job is to mate any two of them and propose a name for their foal, as in the examples above. As per Triple Crown rules, no name may exceed 18 total characters, including spaces. (You may ignore the actual genders of the horses if, like Mike, you happen to know them and have charted their estrus cycles.) First-prize winner gets a set of three decks of "Humor for Dummies" cards by Malcolm Kushner, "America's Favorite Humor Consultant." The Czar cannot adequately communicate the degree of humor embodied in these cards, except to quote from one of them: "Here are some useful words for child-rearing that don't yet exist. (But they should!) 1. Toyvay: An exclamation that's uttered when you enter a room with playthings strewn all over the floor. 2. Diapersuade: A threat to make someone else change the diapers. 3. Tantrumpled . . ." First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, April 15. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CXI (444), in which we asked you to answer any of that day's letters to advice columnists in The Post in the voice of some celebrity, living or dead. (We have summarized the letters in the results below.) Second Runner-Up: I am overweight. Would you please tell your readers that dumping someone because she's not good-looking is a shallow thing to do? I'm not gonna trash someone because he dumps a whiner like you. Your empty love life is not his fault. It's not Mommy's fault, Daddy's fault or Krispy Kreme's fault. There's only one person to blame and you know very well who that is. Bill Clinton. -- Michael Kelly. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) First Runner-Up: I have a live-in girlfriend, but I've been flirty with a woman at work who really attracts me. Should I stop the flirtation, leave my girlfriend, or leave both of them and start anew? I'm not sure I see the problem here. -- Brigham Young. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And the winner of the "Jimmy Neutron" rubber wig: I have custody of the kids, and there's an arrest warrant out on my wife for delinquent child support. She is coming into town because her mother is dying. Would it be wrong of me to notify the police? Tell your ex-wife's dying mother that if she ever wants to see her daughter again, she will have to pay the delinquency. -- Niccolo Machiavelli (Mike Genz, La Plata) Honorable Mentions I am a divorced, balding 65-year-old woman who wears a wig. Should I tell my boyfriends about this before we get intimate? Or should I try to figure out some way of holding the wig on during intimacy? Wear a sack over your head. And have your boyfriend wear a sack, too, just in case yours breaks. -- Don Rickles (Chris Doyle, Burke) What is it with wigs and old ladies? Do they think they are fooling us? Do they think we don't know that powder blue is not a natural hair color? Why don't they just put cotton candy on their heads? -- Jerry Seinfeld (Joseph Romm, Washington) Do what I do: Before you remove it, make sure they're too drunk to remember. -- Burt Reynolds (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Mix equal portions of honey, starch and lemon Jell-O powder in a soup can. Stir in some pencil sharpener filings, simmer five minutes, and you have a paste that will hold a wig on a bucking bronco. -- Heloise (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Apply the wig to your head with nails from an air-powered roofing gun. -- Leopold von Sacher Masoch. (William Bradford, Washington; David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Is your boyfriend a great deal older than you, and wealthy? If so, I would recommend that you marry him quickly, and then yell, "SURPRISE!" -- Anna Nicole Smith (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) I have custody of the kids, and there's an arrest warrant out on my ex-wife for delinquent child support. She is coming into town because her mother is dying. Would it be wrong of me to notify the police? We've got a little surprise for you. It's not her mom that your ex is coming to see. She's coming to see her new lover. Let's go ahead and bring him out now . . . Say hello to your own FATHER! -- Jerry Springer (John Kammer, Herndon) I am overweight. Would you please tell your readers that dumping someone because she's not good-looking is a shallow thing to do? Hey, if you can fit in the back seat of a '75 Cutlass, you're all right with me, sweetcheeks. -- Joey Buttafuoco. (Mark Young, Washington) If you need to hire the best 10 people for your company, but they all happen to be of the same race, what would you do? They all HAPPEN to be of the same race? Of COURSE they are all of the same race. -- John Rocker (Roy Ashley, Washington) I think there's a better option. In the real world, there would be far [emphasis mine] more excellent people than I would ever be able to see. So I'd take extra time . . . -- Doris Kearns Goodwin (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What do the expressions "weird science" and "forfeit caffeine" have in common? They'd both be good names for a rock band. -- Dave Barry (Allon Vishkin, Rockville) I have a live-in girlfriend, but I've been flirty with a woman at work who really attracts me. Should I stop the flirtation, leave my girlfriend, or leave both of them and start anew? Go ahead and check out the chemistry with your co-worker; if things work out, you can always put the squeeze on the pope for an annulment with your current mate. If things don't work out, you can have your co-worker beheaded. -- Henry VIII (Arthur M. Litoff, York Springs, Pa.) Go for the one with the best marbling. -- Jeff Dahmer (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Introduce the two ladies. You know, see how things develop. Please send me another letter describing the results, in graphic detail. -- Bob Guccione (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Have them duke it out with tire irons. Winner gets you. -- Tonya Harding (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 449, published April 14, 2002 Week CXVI (449): Cut and Pastiche This week we reprise one of our favorite contests from yesteryear -- 1994, to be exact. Create a new, funny headline from the words of any headlines appearing anywhere in today's Post (or on washingtonpost.com). You may use words from as many headlines as you wish, and may combine them in whatever order you wish, but you cannot subdivide words -- i.e., the smallest usable unit is an entire word. You must specify which headlines you use, and give us the page numbers, for verification. First-prize winner gets a second Hubert Humphrey bottle from the 1968 campaign, still in its box. This is a value of $40. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, April 22. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass., who thought of it before Chris Doyle of Burke. Report from Week CXII (445): In our contest seeking cynical definitions a[grv] la Ambrose Bierce, we were looking for jaded drolleries, and not simple puns -- though we got plenty of the latter, the niftiest of which were these from Chris Doyle of Burke: "Bushism: The syntax of the father visited on the son," and "Female: The sex that believes sighs matter." We also cite our colleague Tom Shroder of Vienna, who suggested "Terrorist: A car-bomb based life form." Fifth Runner-Up: Lottery: A tax on poor math skills. (Id Rooney, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: Leader: One who follows loudly. (Tom Rogers, Oakton) Third Runner-Up: Potential: The measure of a person's lack of achievement.(Eva Moore, Ithaca, N.Y.) Second Runner-Up: Role Model: A professional athlete whose conduct rises to the level expected of everyone else. (Chris Doyle, Burke) First Runner-Up: Aging: Paced dying. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) And the winner of the genuine Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey clown mask and nose: Peacetime: When there are no wars anywhere you care about. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Honorable Mentions: E-mail: An urban legend delivery system. (Morgan Malino, Fremont, Calif.) Deadline: A predetermined time by which an excuse must be fabricated as to why something was not completed. (Ken Advent, Parma, Ohio) Reform: The attempt to restructure inequities to your advantage. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Reform: Periodic replacement of one unworkable political system by another. (Ken Advent, Parma, Ohio) Telemarketer: A Caller ID salesman. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) Righteous: What self-righteous people think they are. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) Social Security: The world's largest pyramid scheme. (Elliott Schiff, Orefield, Pa.) Religion: A singular form of gambling in which one may never be sure of which game one is playing, the rules of the game, the value of one's chips, whether the casino will honor those chips, or if indeed there is a casino at all. (Id Rooney, Arlington) Foreign: Not yet American. (Marc Hirsh, Somerville, Mass.) Celebrity: One who suffers from an odd mental condition, defined by the desire for solitude and the pursuit of recognition. (Mark Young, Washington) Sophistry: Reasoning used by your opponent. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Taxes: Money you complain about giving the government to pay for services whose absence you would complain about. (John O'Hanlon, Germantown) Cleavage: The part of the anatomy that a woman exposes for the purpose of having men not stare at it. (John O'Hanlon, Germantown) Fanatic: Someone devoted to a cause in which you do not believe. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Manager: Someone who doesn't know what you do but knows what it is worth. (Mary Claire Salander, Arlington) Lawyer: One to whom you give money to prevent another from taking it. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Child Support: The percentage of your income you are willing to sacrifice in exchange for parental responsibility. (Mary Claire Salander, Arlington) Prayer: A form of begging that leaves one's pride intact. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ecumenism: Warm embrace of other religions whose adherents are eternally damned to roast in Hell. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Strict constructionist: One who interprets the Constitution as he believes the document's slaveholding, misogynistic, elitist authors would have. (Chris Doyle, Burke) CIA: A clandestine organization created to ensure Their cheating doesn't conflict with Our cheating. (Id Rooney, Arlington) Singer-songwriter: Anyone who owns a guitar. (Frank Mullen III, Heathsville, Va.) Morality: Principles to follow for good conduct, inspired by the feeling that others are watching. (William Bradford, Washington) Ethics: Conspicuous compunction. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Principle: The noble thing that, in pursuit of, one will do anything, to anyone, at any time. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Multimedia: Employing images and sound in educational tools so as to allow those who cannot write to communicate with those who cannot read. (Frank Mullen III, Heathsville, Va.) Deregulation: A political movement to replace the abuses of big government with the abuses of big business. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Tramp: A woman who is sleeping with everyone but you. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria) Relativism: The absolute belief that there are no absolutes. (Joe Harsel, Falls Church) Middle-aged: An age bracket beginning with persons three or four years older than you. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And Last: Cynicism: A compensatory tool used by those lacking in wit. (Bill Chang, New York) ====================================================================== WEEK 450, published April 21, 2002 Week CXVII (450): Blues It or Lose It Ooooooh, I ain't got nuthin' But that ol' steerin' wheeeeel Ooooooh, I ain't got nuthin' But that ol' steerin' wheeeeel Oh, my Land Cruiser's dyin', And my limited-edition 2002 Beemer with the custom leather interior and hand-tinted, gold-leaf-highlighted bodywork Ain't got the cachet I used to feeeeeeeel . . . This Week's Contest was suggested by Bill Spencer of Exeter, N.H. Write the first verse of a blues song expressing some Washington area woe. First-prize winner gets a copy of "Nomo in America," the story of the spectacular rookie season of Dodgers pitcher Hideo Nomo, autographed by the author, sportswriter Larry Rocca. The book is in Japanese. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, April 29. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CXIII (441), in which we asked you to write a rhyming poem about some ongoing news event. Second Runner-Up: John Ashcroft felt uneasy, when speaking to the press, Beneath "Spirit of Justice" with her bronze protruding breast. He found a simple remedy to deal with his distress, Eight thousand dollars' worth of drapes, installed at his behest. The man, he had a problem, and this solved it fine, I guess. But why not move John Ashcroft's butt a few feet to the west?(Donald H. Heitman, Arlington) First Runner-Up: About the Glendenings, here's a short quip Concerning their perfectly proper courtship. Oh, wait. Do the math. I guess there was not one: The nuptials, it's clear, were hastened by shotgun. (John Bauer, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the mariachi band made from taxidermized frogs: Mei Xiang, I am so very sorry My advances to you were too crude. Though your well-rounded haunches still thrill me I will try now to act more subdued. Could we possibly catch us a movie? And you'll be my sweet, sweet bamboo. Please forgive me, my dear One and Only -- Or I'll have to go courting a gnu. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Roses are red, Violets are blue, Peace is coming to the Middle East And this poem rhymes. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Johnny A of DOJ Abhors a naked breast, And recently he chanced to see A marble one undressed. Now thanks to John, the breast is gone, He draped that unclothed part. But slam the door, he's headed for The gallery of art. (Nancy Cahill, Woodbridge) If the Expos move this city's way, the team's name can basically stay. I'm sure you'll agree -- just add an "e." Voilà! The Washington Exposé. (Grady Norris, New Bern, N.C.) So much of our forest primeval Falls like cotton to the boll weevil. Though some may blame lumber For felling their number, Bush claims it's the Axes of Evil. (Edith F. Grant, Bethesda) Once upon a March of madness came the news of lack of grad-ness From the team that loves to rebound, run the court and shoot and score. Maryland, that team of turtles, trips o'er academic hurdles, Thinking books and labs and lectures aren't what the U is for. "Ours is not to cram for finals, just to make the Final Four: Only this, and nothing more. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Many a case is dropped by even lawyers most intrepid, since Although suspicion's strong, there's sometimes not a shred of evidence. The Enron scandal may become the first that's ever dropped because . . . There was. (David Smith, El Cerrito, Calif.) The busier the better, network management did say, Let's fill the screen with data so our fans won't go away. All at once you'll see the weather, stocks and news tidbits galore, Naked readers, more Geraldo, sports and snippets of the war. This craft is just a business -- if the viewer still just shrugs, "Fear Factor" in the newsroom, with the anchors eating bugs. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) You often hear cynics so loudly complaining That police just eat doughnuts on the taxpayer's buck. But they got to use all this specialized training Chasing the thief of a Krispy Kreme truck. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) ====================================================================== WEEK 451, published April 28, 2002 Week CXVIII (451): Make Your Pix This Week's Contest: Two of the above cartoons are related in some way. Which two, and how? First-prize winner gets a copy of "Dear President Johnson," a 1964 book of kids' cute letters to the president, illustrated by Charles M. Schulz. Believe it or not, it's pretty funny. ("Dear Mr. President: Please write and tell me everything about your whole life. I need it for school. It can't be more than 100 words counting the title and 'by Lyndon Johnson.' Best Wishes, Marlys W., Bridgeport, Conn.") First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, May 6. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CXIV (447), where we gave you six witticisms and asked you take the first letters of their words in sequence and use them as the first letters of the words of a brand-new witticism. The originals: "Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you." "An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke." "It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." "Nostalgia isn't what it used to be." "They call television a medium because nothing's well done." And: "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' till you can find a rock." This was, in our judgment, the hardest contest ever. We expected few if any usable entries. We got plenty, including the astonishing first runner-up, written as a double-dactyl poem, and the winner, which uses the first five witticisms in sequence. Fifth Runner-Up: Afghan evidence provides Israel's least likely acolyte: Yes, Osama's Jewish! (Tony Allen-Mills, Alexandria) Fourth Runner-Up: The cool thing about museums? Bronze nudity with dignity! (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Third Runner-Up: Bring Trojans to your trysts or toddlers will be fathered through you. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City, N.J.) Second Runner-Up: I impress nobody except the son of my father. (Tyson Jacobs, Reno, Nev.) First Runner-Up: Dinnerus, innerus / Titus Andronicus / Overindulgences, / Sweetbreads nouvelle. Dermatocranial / Turnovers yesterday / Cannibal fricassees / always repel.(Chris Doyle, Burke) And the winner of the barf bags printed with excerpts from romance novels: Bill, the tale you told of "that woman" brought fortune to your arch enemies. Perhaps in later life (as your own journey ignominiously illustrates) nobody elected to state or municipal forums, nationally / internationally, will issue untruths that blatant. The citizenry tolerates ambitious men, but nobody wants deceit. (Jennifer Nelson, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you. Best to tell yourself there's one truth worth being faithful to: yours. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Be true to your tatas or they will be falsies to you. (Steven Alan Honley, Washington) Be tender to your turkeys or they will be fowl to you. (Chris Doyle, Burke) By the time you turn old, the world begins favoring the young. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Better to toss your twentieth Oreo than wrestle bulimia futilely this year. (Loretta and Kevin d'Eustachio, Washington) An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke. Andersen execs pleading innocent look like atheists yea-saying over Jesus. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Attaining excellence perturbs incompetent losers living around you. Overachieve judiciously. (David Franks, Wichita) An explained pun is like Levey admiring your overused jests. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Awfully embarrassing: policemen in leather, laughing at your oregano joint. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Always explain policy in lengthy legalese -- avail yourself of jargon. (John Beetem, Reston) Artificial eyes placed in lasagna look atrocious, yet oddly jewel-like. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nasal irrigation = water, indeed, under the bridge. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Nerdiness is wearing ironed underwear to bed. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Nudists invite winged insects up their backsides. (Mary Olson, Springfield) Nobody in Washington investigates unless Tripp blabs. (Loretta and Kevin d'Eustachio, Washington) No indiscretions with interns! (Unless they're bodacious.) (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. If I need enemies, try some of my friends. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) They call television a medium because nothing's well done. Terps' championship teams attract mob behavior, "netting" wanton destruction. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Tragically, cow tippers assault many bovines nestled within dreamland. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "This champagne's très amusant, mais brut," noted Will dryly. (Chris Doyle, Burke) The catch to arranged marriages: bald noggins, withering dispositions. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Take care to age masterfully, by never wearing Depends. (Chris Doyle, Burke) The cruel truth about middle-aged broadcasters: Neck wattles = demotion. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" till you can find a rock. Dirt is the aim. Ordinary social news? Dull! Take your chances -- float a rumor! (William Bradford, Washington) Don't impede the art of sculpture; never doubt that your chisel frees a rock. (Steven Alan Honley, Washington) Dear "intern": These are only suggestions: Nod deferentially, take your cigar. Flee all reporters. (Doug Burns, Falls Church) ====================================================================== WEEK 452, published May 5, 2002 Week CXIX (452): Russellmania! We are saddened to report that this week marks the final appearance on these pages of Russell Beland of Springfield, one of the most prolific and ingenious contributors to the Style Invitational. Russell has informed us that he is retiring from the contest because he has decided that it is a soul-devouring addiction. We know he's serious because he is a mere nine published entries shy of a career total of 500, a milestone that would have made him the third person ever to enter The Style Invitational Hall of Fame. In the spirit of goodwill for which the Style Invitational is famous, we therefore announce this week's Russell Beland of Springfield Contest, in which you may do one of two things: (1) Design one or more steps for a 12-step program for the recovering Invitationalaholic; (2) Propose a devious method by which we might lure Russ back. First-prize winner gets a blue wig with an elegant plastic foam-head wig-holder. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost. com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, May 13. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CXV (448), when we asked you to match any two Triple Crown-eligible horses and name the foal. As always with this contest, the overwhelming number of entries raises the possibility that we may have overlooked one of yours similar or even identical to one we are publishing. If you feel we have made that error, contact Russell Beland of Springfield. He'll be delighted to intercede personally on your behalf. Fifth Runner-Up: Mate Saarland with ShowMeItAll and name the foal Saar Knickerless (Chris Doyle, Burke) Fourth Runner-Up: Mate Lord of the Thunder with Sleeping Weapon and name the foal Thorazine (Ellen Hill and John Godfrey, Kensington) Third Runner-Up: Mate Raven Power with Lawn Mover and name the foal Nevermower (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley) Second Runner-Up: Mate Double Zero Seven with Corner the Market and name the foal Bond, Junk Bond (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) First Runner-Up: Mate Professor Higgins with The Senate and name the foal Doolittle (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of the "Humor for Dummies" cards: Mate Illicit Affair with Ealing Park and name the foal That's a Moray(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Bella Bellucci + Spitfire Man = Bela Loogiesi (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Chief Whitefeather + Bold Truth = ChiefSittingnobull (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Wild Horses + Where's the Ring = Nag Nag Nag (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Dial a Hero + Smooth Jazz = Phone Sax (Steve Tretiak, Alexandria) You + Hit the Trail = Dear John (John Ruthinoski, Fairfax) Raven Power + The Full Circle = Poe R Squared (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Chop Chop + Classic Hero = JohnWayneBobbitt (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Dominated Day + Lawn Mover = Marquis de Sod (Marc Leibert, New York) Grey Beard + Crap Shooter = Grey Poopon (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Arman + Casa Chica = Arman in Havana (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Beautiful Indy + Daddy's Bright Star = Hoosier Daddy (Chris Doyle, Burke; Greg Donahue, Edgewater) Pinch Hitter + French Assault = Joe DiMaginot (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Ibn Al Haitham + Puck = CmonMeccaMeLaugh (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Constitution + Peekskill = We the Peephole (Chris Doyle, Burke) Sleeping Weapon + Crap Shooter = Ammunition Dump (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Expect + Inaugural Address = Expectoration (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Iron Deputy + Spinning Tales = Blarney Fife (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Mayakovsky + Fast Decision = RussianToJudgment (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.; Chris Doyle, Burke) Chief Whitefeather + A Table for Three = Indian Reservation (Laura Allen, Clarksville; Carl Yaffe, Rockville) Crap Shooter + Slo Gin Jack = PlopPlopFizzFizz (Judith Cottrill, New York) Giant American + Barometric = Lincoln Mercury (Russell Beland, Springfield) Giant American + ShowMeItAll = Uncle Miltie (Charlie Myers, Laurel) Many of Destiny + Giant American = Man of Density (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Lawn Mover + Van Rouge = Mowlawn Rouge (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Twenty One Cats + Forty Nine Deeds = Watch Your Step (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Warners + Thatsallmon = Th'th'thatsallmon (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.; Randall Kunkel, Dale City) Binyamin + Crown the King = Bibi King (Chris Doyle, Burke) The Senate + Unanimous Decision = National Pet Month (Laird Hart, Takoma Park) Professor Higgins + Cappuchino = My Fair Latte (Sandra Hull, Arlington; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Yoga + Ursa Minor = Yoga Bear (Chris Rubino, San Diego; Russell Beland, Springfield) Crap Shooter + Crown the King = Rex Lax (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Tomahawk Lake + Quiet American = DontAxeDontTell (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) Got the Message + Bulldozer = I Can Dig It (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) Hidden Dragon + Curmudgeon = Grouching Tiger (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Illicit Affair + Chop Chop = Romeo and Julienne (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Piston + Curmudgeon = Pistoff (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Puck + Imperial Gesture = Puck U (Danielle Reed, Suitland) Gamble + Bet the Black = Bet Noir (Chris Doyle, Burke) Charioteer + The Full Circle = Ben Hur Done That (J.D. Berry, Springfield) Solomon's Decree + Double Zero Seven = Double Zero 3.5 (Jeff Gluck, Silver Spring) Cripple Creek + Lord of the Thunder = A Thor Foot (John Machado, Springfield; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Whiskey Bill + Marshal Cody = Wild Bill Hiccup (John Burton, Herndon) Canadian Peso + Crap Shooter = Peso Crap (Kris and Ellen Kunert, Washington) Canadian Peso + Officer = Canadian Bacon (Kris and Ellen Kunert, Washington) D'Coach + D'Behr = D'itka (Lloyd Harrison, Huntingtown, Md.; Rick Penn, Rockville; Russell Beland, Springfield) Inaugural Address + Maybry's Boy = Ask Knott (Mark Young, Washington) I.R. Wood + You = We R. Wood (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Flying Dash + French Assault = Dash Assault (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Imperial Gesture + Axis = SitOnIt AndRotate (Michael Mason, Fairfax) Wiseman's Ferry + Rock the Stone = Styx 'n' Stones (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Dances Well + Cappuchino = Baryshnicoffee (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Spitfire Man + Classic Hero = Mucus Aurelius (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) You + Six G's = Gug Gug Gug (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Occidental Tourist + Yoga = Western Om-let (Ralph Bain, Bethesda) And Last: Netcong + Sunday Break = I Viet to Win (Alan DeValerio, Damascus) ====================================================================== WEEK 453, published May 12, 2002 Week CXX (453): Haiku 2 U2. Bill Clinton A policy wonk Peace at home and peace abroad And a broad at home Harry S Truman Wore a fedora Took responsibility Big bang for the buck Strom Thurmond Segregationist Truman hoped he'd go away. Ha ha ha Truman. Bob Dole Injured veteran Soft on corporate controls Hard on a new drug This Week's Contest was suggested by James Hertsch III of Springfield. Write a haiku summarizing the career of any American politician, living or dead. (A haiku is generally defined as a nonrhyming poem of three lines. The first and last line are five syllables; the middle line is seven.) First-prize winner gets a paperweight made from genuine South African elephant dung, donated to The Style Invitational by Robin Diallo of Malawi. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, May 20. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Gaithersburg and Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CXVI (449), in which we asked you to cut up any headlines in that day's Post to create new, more interesting headlines. (Because Sunday Style is available in some places on Saturday, we accepted headline words from Saturday's paper, too.) Fourth Runner-Up: Honest Politician Found; D.C. Says "No Thanks." (Judith Cottrill, New York) Third Runner-Up: Gore Not Dead, Sophisticated Analysis Say (Chris Rubino, San Diego) Second Runner-Up: Caught With Drugs in Fla., Barry says "Beach Set Me Up." (Chris Doyle, Burke) First Runner-Up: Vicious Predator From Hell Turns Out to Be Female Shopping. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) And the winner of the Hubert Humphrey bottle from the 1968 campaign: Yankees Move to D.C., Change Name to Washington Senators; Force Peter Angelos to Move Orioles to Buck Holler, West Virginia (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: Gore Looks Good in Wood Finish(Marc Leibert, New York; Frank Mullen III, Heathsville, Va.) Mideast Enjoys Short Peace as Arafat, Sharon Watch Broad Run, Savor the Bob. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) India Stages "Lady Singh the Blues" (Sandra Hull, Arlington) White House Johns Broken; Bush in Deep Do Do. (Chris Doyle, Burke) At Bacchus Retirement Home, Seniors Enjoy Rum Cake, Wild Music, Adult Videos. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Brain Guys Team With High-Fashion Guys to Design Smarty Pants. (Scott Slaughter, Mount Airy) Food Researchers Find Infertility Linked to Nuts (Chris Doyle, Burke) New Jesse Jackson Affirmative Action Figure: Will It Sell? (Chris Doyle, Burke) Most People Buy Washington Post to Wrap Fish (Chris Doyle, Burke) Sharon Will Offer Arafat an Olive Branch -- an Olive Branch With a Sharp Point. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Proponent of Ebonics Be Dead (Frank Mullen III, Heathsville; Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg) New Musical, "Jerusalem Follies," Not Selling (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Crude Clinton Confession Makes Pope Weep (John Burton, Herndon) Poverty a National Embarrassment, So Rich Try to Ban Poor People (Chris Doyle, Burke) Clinton Tell-All: "Is" Is Not "Was." (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) Archbishop Says a Bit of Sex Is Welcome (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) Jews Marvel at DNA-Altering Scientific Breakthrough: Kosher Porcine Products. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Mark Trail, a Friend of Great Outdoors, Charged as Sexual Predator. (Mike Cozy, Silver Spring) Manilow's Success: Why Is This Happening? Why? Why? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Female to Math: Drop Dead. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mideast Scandal: Powell, Arafat Shared French Kiss (Fred S. Souk, Reston) ====================================================================== WEEK 454, published May 19, 2002 Week CXXI (454): Ask Backwards Kukla, Fran & Osama 'I Can't Hear You, You're Breaking Up.' Abigail, but not Martin, Van Buren Enron and Cream of Mushroom Soup Definitely Not the Bob Levey Diet Fran Drescher and the Norwegian Parliament It Got Lost In the Translation Those Paper Toilet Seat Covers Germany. Only Germany Rapid I Movement A Mackerel Lollipop Velcromagnon Man This Week's Contest You are on Jeopardy! These are the answers. What are the questions? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a set of four ebony candlesticks in the shape of a human foot, donated to the Style Invitational by Robin Diallo of Malawi. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, May 27. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CXVII (450), in which we asked you to start a Washington-based blues song. Third Runner-Up: Whoaa, the cap'n just announced our final approach Whoaa, don' matter if you're first class, business or coach, My bladder it is bustin' from Co-colas, wine and booze, I got them flyin' into Reagan strapped into my seat on the final 30 minutes not gettin' up for nothin' nohow blues . . .(J.F. Knowles, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: You know I just got the Washington D.C. acronym blues, un-hunh You know I just got the Washington D.C. acronym blues, uh-hunhh, YKIJGTWDCABUH . . . (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) First Runner-Up: When my baby done left me, she done took the Jeep Now my only woman says "Doors closing (beep)" . . . (Mark Young, Washington) And the winner of the Japanese-language story of Dodgers pitcher Hideo Nomo: Well, that man who is my neighbor, I thought he was my fren. Yeah, that man who is my neighbor, I done thought he was my fren. Then he put up that basketball hoop in his driveway flatly contrary to the terms and covenants of the Homeowner Association protocols, And now that ol' litigation never end . . . (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Honorable Mentions Sittin' with the Statehood Party Waitin' for the Congress to act. I'm jes sittin' with the Statehood Party Waitin' for Congress to act. City's got a better chance o' gettin' the Texas Rangers back. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Well, he's crossin' the median, no median gonna impede 'im Well, he's crossin' that ol' med'n, and he's doing it speedin' He's stopping with impunity cause he got immunity, I got the drivin' behind a diplomat who don't give a damn blues. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Oh, I'm a hard-workin' man, And sometimes that's a hard thing to be. Ohhh, I'm a hard-workin' man, And sometimes that's a hard thing to be. Well, a senior partner just asked me to analyze the impact of Sec. 3407 (b) of the Tauzin-Dingell Bill (as amended), And I'm wonderin' why I ever got my law degree. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Sat-dee night in Georgetown, they got some real hot lovers. Wellll, Sat-dee night in Georgetown, they got some real hot lovers. Gotta wear me a hard hat down there, cause they also got some real hot flyin' manhole covers. (Bill Moulden, Frederick) Oooh, the streets they're all a-closin' So you can exercise free speech. Oooh, the streets they're all a-closin' So you can exercise free speech. You complain about this nation and the scourge of globalization, but how 'bout my right of transportation, 'Cause I got the get outta my way I gotta get to work now blues. (Cynthia L. Gilman, Alexandria) I asked for some water, but she gave me gasoline, I jus' want a little water, but that mama poured out gasoline, Don' seem we'll ever get no alternative fuel vehicle while EPA run by that mean ol' Miss Christine. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) I drive with two hands, but you got to have a third, Me, I drive with two hands, but you yourself got to have a third, How else you drive, use the phone, cut me off, do your makeup, eat breakfast and flip me the bird? (John Bauer, Gaithersburg) Because of recent cutbacks, well the bossman took my DSL away, Lawd, without my high-speed Internet I just can't make it through the day. So now I'm sloggin through my work at 56K. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Well, the Post it leans to the left, And the Times it leans to the right, When I want unbiased news there ain't no paper in sight. I got the blues, the whose news views to choose blues. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) I been working for the gummint All my live-long life. Oh yeah workin' for the gummint My whole live-long life And let me tell you mister She makes a mighty ugly wife. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Never gonna see no Air and Space Museum, Lawd, I'm never gonna see me no Air and Space Museum So many outta-towners, baby, I never get to carpe diem . . . (Judith Cottrill, New York) I'm gettin' off the highway, 'cuz 95 is hell, I'm getting off the highway, 'cuz 95 is hell, I'm headin' toward ol' Route 1, but so is everyone el'. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) My pappy done tol' me Be sure you take enough naps, If you do, my pappy done tol' me, You not gonna hurl in no foreign head of state's laps . . . (G.W. Bush, Washington; Milo Sauer, Fairfax) My conscience is achin', baby 'Cause I'm a man that's born to lobby. My conscience is achin' real bad, baby 'Cause I'm a man that's born to lobby Don't matter right or wrong, I could change the Code of Hammurabi. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 455, published May 26, 2002 Week CXXII (455): Comixing Cross Snuffy Smith with Rex Morgan, M.D., and get a character who looks like Snuffy, but instead of chickens, he's always stealing Percodans. Cross Spider-Man with Trixie from "Hi and Lois" and get a baby who wets the ceiling. If you cross Dilbert with Huey from "The Boondocks": This Week's Contest was suggested by Bruce W. Alter of Fairfax Station. Bruce proposes that you create new comic characters by crossing two existing characters, as in the above examples. Then describe the new character. First-prize winner gets an Official Major League Baseball in a plastic cube, distributed to the media by the Walt Disney Co. in the hopes of garnering good publicity for "The Rookie," a harmless piece of Hollywood pap. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, June 3. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CXVIII (451), in which we asked you to tell us how any two of these cartoons were related. Fourth Runner-Up: D and G: Both are inhabited by an overwhelming number of Smiths. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Third Runner-Up: B and F: Misreading the invitation, Joe Camel and Mister Ed dress up as a Sheik and a Trojan for the Condo Association Masquerade Ball. (Chris Doyle, Rockville) Second Runner-Up: In E, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In G, it is in the eye of the beerholder. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: C and F: It's a little-known historical fact that after 10 years of unsuccessfully attempting to sneak soldiers into Troy as pizza delivery men, the Greeks finally came up with another idea. (Morgan Malino, Fremont, Calif). And the winner of the book of kids' letters to President Johnson: D and E: One is an archive of the great artists of the 20th century, tragically unrecognized for too long because their blinding brilliance offended the smug bourgeoisie, and the other is the Hirshhorn Museum of modern art.(Dan Steinberg, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: A has excellent ratings for "60 Minutes"; G has excellent rates for 60 minutes. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) B and D: In the L.A. phone book, you could probably find a bridal shop for men. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) If you hit A with C, you know what amore feels like. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia, Megan Lewis, Wheaton; Niels Hoven, Houston) B and D: Ronald Johnson of Duluth, Minn., due to collect the $25 million for information leading to the capture of Osama bin Laden, is quoted saying, "Finding him was tricky, because he was listed under the L's and not the B's." (Morgan Malino, Fremont, Calif.) F and G: When your stay in each is over, you feel like killing someone. (Mark Young, Washington) C and G: A practical joke falls flat when Linda Tripp orders 10 pizzas for "Mr. and Mrs. William Jefferson Smith at the Motel 6," and they are accepted. (Mitch Mularz, Aberdeen, Wash.) F and G are related by this ill-known historical fact: The hidden Greek soldiers got no sleep at all thanks to the ice machine in the horse's butt. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) F and C: If you gave a big tip to the Trojan Horse delivery person, you would feel very silly later. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) F and G: Ajax was present in neither. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A and G: A certain vacancy is required to appreciate each. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) F and G: The bathroom facilities in both leave something to be desired. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) D and E: Both are places where you are unlikely to run into people wearing Style Invitational Loser T-shirts. (Richard Wong, Arlington) C and F: Free delivery, heartburn later. (J.D. Berry, Springfield) B and F: Neither will be seen in a derby. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) In F, a trick is turned on the Trojans; in G, tricks are turned using them. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) C and G: No matter how much you enjoy garlic-anchovy pizza, giving it to your wife for your anniversary will cause you to become familiar with G. (Niels Hoven, Houston) A and G: You can love Raymond in either place. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) D and G: 2 plus 1 plus 3 equals the number of shots on the Zapruder film plus the number of shots fired by Jack Ruby, and also equals the number of letters in "Oswald," who was staying at a Motel 6 when witnesses, who had been bribed, testified that they had seen Oswald in another city with Clay Shaw, which proves that Oswald was framed. (Oliver Stone, Los Angeles; Roy Ashley, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 456, published June 2, 2002 Week CXXIII (456): A Bad-Ask Contest Kukla, Fran & Osama 'I Can't Hear You, You're Breaking Up.' Abigail, but Not Martin, Van Buren Definitely Not the Bob Levey Diet Enron and Cream of Mushroom Soup Fran Drescher And the Norwegian Parliament It Got Lost In the Translation Those Paper Toilet Seat Covers Germany. Only Germany Rapid I Movement A Mackerel Lollipop Velcromagnon Man This Week's Contest may look familiar. It is, verbatim, the contest from two weeks ago, with one slight change: You are still on Jeopardy!, and you still have to supply questions to the above answers, but the winners will be the least funny answers. That's right: Your goal is to provide entries that might be submitted by the tragically humor-impaired. First-prize winner gets a Loser Pen, but not just any Loser Pen. Every year, the Style Invitational Orders 50 new pens that say "Loser" and one that says "The Czar," for the personal use of Himself. Well, this year there was a regrettable auditory miscommunication in the ordering process. And so the first-prize winner gets a nifty wooden pen that says "Bizarre." First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, June 10. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by a lot of people. Report from Week CXIX (452), which was based upon the startling announcement by (Russell Beland, Springfield) that he was retiring from the contest because it had become a soul-devouring addiction. Your job was to come up with steps for a 12-step program for the recovering Invitationalaholic; or, alternately, to propose devious methods to lure him back. This week marks the longest winning entry in the contest's history. Second Runner-Up: How to lure Russ back: Use reverse psychology. Declare him "an honorary Post employee," making him technically ineligible. Even better, put him in the Style Invitational Hall of Fame, but with an asterisk.(Jeff Joseph, Leesburg) First Runner-Up: How to lure Russ back: Promise him 72 virgins. Believe it or not, this actually works! (O. bin Laden, Toledo, Ohio; Chris Doyle, Burke) And the winner of the blue wig: How to lure Russ back: Whack him smartly in the head, right upside the hippocampus. Short-term memory disappears, á la "Memento." Then comes the 12-Step Process. 1. Hey, what's this in the Style section? A contest based on wordplay and sarcasm! This is right up your alley! 2. A man calls you up. He calls himself The Czar. He begs you to "return." Before he hangs up, he says, "Russ, read your tattoos." You do. One says, "Don't trust your wife and all her lies." 3. You open a drawer and find a taxidermized frog wearing a tuxedo. What kind of idiot would own such a thing? 4. You begin to narrate a story about a Loser you once knew. He gave up the Style Invitational in the prime of his career. He hanged himself with dental floss. 5. You are chasing a man. No, he is chasing you. "Give me that T-shirt," he screams. You escape. 6. A woman finds you. She claims to be your wife. She begs you to retire from that stupid contest. You find a tattoo that says "Don't trust your wife and all her lies." Instinct tells you to placate her, so you announce your retirement, whatever that means. 7. You walk by a woman in Denny's. She looks abused. She grabs your arm and says, "Thanks for the entries, Russ." You ask: "Do I know you?" She says, "Just call me Jenny," knowing you won't remember. 8. A man calls and tells you to write "Trust the Czar" on your body. You do. 9. A woman claiming to be your wife says, "Hey, you told me you were giving that up." You look down and see to your horror that you are writing something about human excreta. 10. You find 14 T-shirts in your dresser. They all have cartoons of people trying to kill themselves. You look for a razor blade but find only dental floss. 11. Someone has written "Trust the Czar" upside down on your buttocks. 12. Hey, what's this in the Style section? A contest based on wordplay and sarcasm! This is right up your alley! (J.D. Berry, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: HOW TO GET RUSS BACK: Change the first prize each week to a night on the town with Mrs. Beland. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Just print his damn manifesto already. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) Remind him that he has spent his career as part of a gray federal bureaucracy, and that he basically has no soul left to lose. (Brian C. Broadus, Charlottesville) Build a deep pit in his front yard. Fill it with Madagascar hissing cockroaches, cover it with leaves and twigs. When Russ steps in it, wheeee! This won't lure him back, but it would be cool. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Call him up, tell him you understand why he had no choice, inquire after his wife, and then make that spousal whip- cracking noise. (John Kammer, Herndon) Taper off slowly by using pseudonyms such as (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge). (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Walk up to Russ and say: "We need you back. You are the wittiest man alive and the contest isn't funny without you." First, though, get a few injections of Botox so you can do all that with a straight face. (Joseph Romm, Washington) RUSSELL'S 9-STEP PROGRAM: 1. Channel your seditious energy elsewhere. For example, get the most pedestrian hints you can think of printed by Heloise. ("A funnel works great to transfer liquids between containers without spilling!") (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) 2. Legally change your name to "Boisfeuillet Jones." Even if you backslide and send in entries, The Post can't print them. In time you will get discouraged and give up. (Fred S. Souk, Reston) 3. Find a hobby that's less obsessive-compulsive. Like stalking. (Chris Doyle, Burke) 4. Finally admit to yourself that women are lying when they say they are looking for men with a great sense of humor. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 5. Remove all pens and pencils from your bathroom. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) 6. Ask your doctor to prescribe Invite-B-Gone, the humor-writing equivalent of methadone. It will probably be in suppository form. If you think this is funny, it isn't working yet. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) 7. Apologize to everyone whom you have ever hurt as a result of your addiction. Yes, Bill Clinton counts. And no, we don't care if John Bobbitt was asking for it. Well, we guess you can make an exception for Hitler. (Mark Young, Washington; Bob Dalton, Arlington) 8. Associate with more well-adjusted people: Become a Trekkie. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) 9. Constantly seek a higher purpose in life. Like shoplifting. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 457, published June 9, 2002 Week CXIV (457): Letter Rip This Week's Contest was suggested by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park: Give us the beginning of a letter to the editor that is certain never to see print. First-prize winner gets a T-shirt produced by the town of Battle Mountain, Nev., promoting itself as being "Dubbed the Armpit of America by The Washington Post Magazine." It's pretty ugly. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, June 17. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Report from Week CXX (453), in which we asked for political haiku. We received an indignant letter from one woman who claimed that by not requiring a "seasonal" word, our definition of haiku showed shocking ignorance of, and cultural insensitivity toward, the Japanese culture. Research reveals that there is a spirited debate among haiku experts about precisely what constitutes their art; in general, the consensus seems to come down on the side of the greatest liberality. Few demand the seasonal word. Or, to put it succinctly: Haiku is strangled / When too many rules are sought / So nyah nyah, lady. Second Runner-Up: John F. Kennedy Camelot mystique Masking a philanderer We didn't know Jack(Chris Doyle, Burke) First Runner-Up: James Buchanan Preceded greatness A cleanshaven president But he had a beard (Roy Ashley, Washington) And the winner of the elephant dung paperweight: Al Sharpton You can lose the weight But you can't lose the baggage That's the skinny, Al (Daniel Horner, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Michael Dukakis Short Greek governor Massachusetts Miracle Then his campaign tanked (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) President Clinton Was unable to re-dress The stain on his name (Diane Morgan, Williamsport, Md.) Richard Nixon He had it all taped But the thing he should have taped Was his big fat mouth (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Grover Cleveland Both his home and girth Truly Buffalonian Woe his youthful bride (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Zachary Taylor His name has five syllables Zachary Taylor (Lex Friedman, Waltham, Mass.) James Garfield He got shot, was fine Until doctors tried to help Did not have nine lives (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) WPA NIRA TVA OK FDR! (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Dan Quayle You say potato And then I say potatoe Call the whole thing off (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Calvin Coolidge The most he would say Would not fill up a haiku (Mike Genz, La Plata) Steve Forbes Capitalist tool Had a well-stocked magazine Shot nothing but blanks (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Jesse Helms Tar Heel good ole boy No pacemaker in just yet Have to find heart first (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) Richard Nixon Watergate's boiling The kitchen is getting hot I am not a cook (Chris Doyle, Burke) Thomas Dewey Polls notwithstanding A man on a wedding cake Was groomed for defeat (Chris Doyle, Burke) Alexander Hamilton A foggy morning And a hole in your jacket Burr, it's really cold (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Kathleen Townsend Here's my résumé K-E-N-N-E-D-Y Isn't that enough? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Margaret Thatcher Some thought her sexy Cannot quite imagine why But then, they're British (William Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) ====================================================================== WEEK 458, published June 16, 2002 Week CXXV: It's a Setup 1. Because the rhinoceros got there first. 2. No, you moron. You were supposed to wear it. 3. Yellow and red. 4. It was too hot. 5. The second candidate showed far more enthusiasm. 6. That's the vice president's job. 7. Falling would have been too obvious. 9. It's not the beginning, it's the end. 10. Because tomatoes would have ruined the whole thing. This Week's Contest: Come up with joke setups for any of the above punch lines. First-prize winner gets a dossier marked "Top Secret" and distributed to newspapers by the makers of "Bad Company," the new spy movie starring Anthony Hopkins and Chris Rock. This was distributed by Touchstone Pictures in the hopes of garnering good reviews for this movie, of which Washington Post film critic Desson Howe says, "It injects the already tired genre of mismatched-buddy picture with a brand-new dose of head-hanging shame." First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, June 24. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke and Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CXXI, in which we supplied "Jeopardy!" answers and challenged you to come up with the questions. A shockingly high percentage of entries incorrectly assumed that Abigail Van Buren was Martin's wife. Abigail Van Buren is Dear Abby. Fourth Runner-Up: Answer: Velcromagnon Man. Question: Who was the first humanoid to practice monogamy, by necessity?(Dodi Schultz, New York; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: Answer: Rapid I Movement. Question: What is the term for what Washington bigwigs do when they scan the index of a new book to see if they are mentioned? (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Second Runner-Up: Answer: Fran Drescher and the Norwegian parliament. Question: Who are 166 people who love smoked salmon? (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) First Runner-Up: Answer: "I can't hear you, you're breaking up." Question: What was said by particularly cruel torturers during the Spanish Inquisition? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the winner of the four ebony candlesticks in the shape of a human foot: Answer: Those paper toilet seat covers. Question: What do redwood tree parents threaten their children that they will become if they don't absorb all their nutrients? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Honorable Mentions: I Can't Hear You, You're Breaking Up What will the Supreme Court respond when Microsoft appeals its antitrust verdict? (Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Greg Arnold, Herndon; Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) What's less embarrassing than being told, "I can't hear you, you're breaking wind"? (Chris Doyle, Burke) What did the deaf comic say to his appreciative audience? (Chris Doyle, Burke) Those Paper Toilet Seat Covers What is a bum wrap? (Paul A. Alter, Pittsburgh) What provides about the same false sense of security as the federalized airport security force? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What makes a really lousy parachute? (Joseph Romm, Washington) It Got Lost in the Translation What was John Bobbitt's take on the result of asking his Ecuadoran wife for a slice of pizza? (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Enron and Cream of Mushroom Soup What do the people at the SEC eat for lunch these days? (Ellen Black, Centreville) Name two things in President Bush's cabinet. (Leo Ebersole, Evanston, Ill.) What are two watered-down stocks? (Hank Wallace, Washington; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Name two things that need to be reconstituted. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Fran Drescher and the Norwegian Parliament What's the title of the world's worst adult video? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Marc Leibert, New York; Chris Rubino, San Diego) Who appoints the committee to choose the Nobel Prize Whiner? (Catherine Boyd, Charlottesville) Germany. Only Germany. Who views "The Sound of Music" as propaganda? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) According to the official Japanese high school curriculum, who is responsible for starting World War II? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Definitely Not the Bob Levey Diet What is more interesting than the Bob Levey sex life? (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) What's the best way to lose some column inches? (John O'Byrne, Dublin) In what diet do you "pinge," a knee-slappingly funny combination of "binge" and "purge"? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Abigail, but not Martin, Van Buren To whom do you write for advice on getting out of a depression? (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Whose twin sister told Santa Anna and the Mexican army to "MYOB, buttercups"? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Rapid I Movement What does Donald Trump call his Ferrari? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Velcromagnon Man Which early human first mastered the art of keeping the loincloth securely in place? (Fred S. Souk, Reston) Whose development of stay-on mittens helped them survive the Ice Age? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Of all the hunters and gatherers, which was the best gatherer? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Kukla, Fran and Osama What was the main competition for Afghanistan's TV show "Truth or Get Your Hand Cut Off"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What show has big ratings in countries with puppet regimes? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A Mackerel Lollipop How did Kojak cut down on his candy consumption? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What was the unsuccessful follow-up to the popular candy Swedish Fish? (Nicole Lockhart, Ann Arbor, Mich.) ====================================================================== WEEK 459, published June 23, 2002 Week CXXVI (459): Stock Humor Embratl: Company manufactures remote-control rattles that deliver a mild shock, for training bratty kids. BlkMTar: Company supplies secret cover-ups ("black-market tarpaulins") to businesses facing scandal. CrnPdts: Company supplies down-homey, aw-shucks, hick-style political commentators to TV stations in places like Omaha or Peoria. ThrdWve: Company gives lucrative divorce strategies to young spouses of rich old men. This Week's Contest was suggested by Eric D. Shaffer of Silver Spring. Eric suggests that you look at the abbreviated company names in the Nasdaq or New York Stock Exchange stock listings in any newspaper's business section (no other exchanges will be accepted) and suggest what businesses the companies might be in, as in the above examples. First-prize winner gets "How to Win Pageants," a book by Ginie Polo Sayles on how to craft your life so as to ace beauty pageants. This amazing book, written without a hint of irony, is chock-full of important tips, such as how to sit, how to walk, and how to properly tape your bosom. One of the best tips is how to improve your self-esteem: Take anything anyone has ever said to you that is hurtful (actual example: "You're so dumb!") and put it in a list marked "Lie." Then you start a new list marked "Truth" featuring the opposite thought (actual example: "You're so smart!") Then you cross out the first list really, really a lot until you can't see it anymore! The book also has an extensive, exclusive interview with Miss Universe 1988, whose name is Porntip Nakhirunkanok. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, July 1. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CXXII (455), in which we asked you to take any two characters from the comics pages and combine them into a new character. Some people chose simple punny name combinations, and we rejected all of these, especially and emphatically the one by Robin Grove of Pasadena, Md., combining Dilbert with Baldo. A special blind T-shirt award goes to Jennifer Hart of Arlington. Her spectacular entry crossing Blondie with the women in "Apartment 3-G" was going to be published until the Auxiliary Czar informed the Czar that she did not wish, at this time, to be ordered to take over the contest while the Czar was reassigned to covering high school field hockey in Prince William County. Several people did not follow the rules but came up with terrific ideas anyway, the best of which was: Cross "Apartment 3-G" with "Zippy the Pinhead" and get "Seinfeld." (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Third Runner-Up: Cross Mark Trail with Sherman from "Sherman's Lagoon" and get a shark who not only eats people, but discusses the environmental benefits of human depopulation.(Sugar Strawn and Jack Welsch, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up: Cross Linus from "Peanuts" with one of the X-men and get Linuxman, a monopoly-fighting superhero who jumps from Windows. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) First Runner-Up: Cross Mickey Mouse and Mark Trail and get a character who can finally explain precisely what species of animal Goofy is, and why it is that Mickey and his duck, dog, mouse and cow friends all got to be the same size. (Stephen Fahey, Kensington) And the winner of the Official Major League Baseball in a plastic cube: Cross Cathy with the Fat Broad from "B.C." and get a woman who stops beating herself up for being fat and starts beating up other people for mentioning it. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Honorable Mentions: Cross Grandpa from "The Family Circus" with Ignatz Mouse from "Krazy Kat" and get an angel who looks down on his grandkids from Heaven and drops bricks on their heads. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Cross Sarge from "Beetle Bailey" with Mary Worth and get a character who never once utters % !*# words, but persuades Beetle to change his lazy ways through gentle encouragement and moral suasion. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Cross Mr. Mxyzptlk from "Superman" with Joe Btfsplk from "Li'l Abner" and get an annoying jrnx who qlkcts into a zrpdblyj whenever sczklphb. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Cross Veronica Lodge from "Archie" with Broom Hilda, and watch as Archie finally goes for Betty, as we all knew he should. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Cross Bugs Bunny with Ms. Trellis from "On the Fastrack" and get a rabbit feminist. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Cross Mark Trail with Zippy and get a pompadoured naturalist who delivers bloodless speeches to kids about the habitat of giant cement ducks. (Ed Engel, Prince Frederick) Cross Calvin of "Calvin and Hobbes" with Li'l Abner. Abner now has an imaginary sheep. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cross Snuffy Smith with Lt. Fuzz from "Beetle Bailey" and get a character who turns himself in to the revenooers. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Cross Grimmy from "Mother Goose and Grimm" with Trixie from "Hi and Lois" and get a baby who drinks from the toilet. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Cross Grog from "B.C." with Mark Trail and get yet another man who will never evolve. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cross Rex Morgan with Dennis the Menace and get a mischievous little scamp who's always sneaking out and giving the napping Mr. Wilson colonoscopies. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Cross Ruthie from "One Big Happy" with the piranha from "The Piranha Club" and get one big, happy, well-fed piranha. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cross Blondie with Rex Morgan and get a doctor who, after he botches surgery, runs to his bedroom and flings himself across the bed, crying "Oh, boo hoo hoo!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cross Obvious Man from "Non Sequitur" with Lucky Eddie from "Hagar the Horrible" and get Oblivious Man, a savant who speaks the truth without understanding it. (Ellen Black, Centreville) Cross Cathy with Mark Trail and get an outdoorsman with 46 pairs of hiking boots. (Pete Hughes, Alexandria) Cross Miss Buxley from "Beetle Bailey" with Dolly from "The Family Circus" and get a Freudian nightmare for Billy. (Bird Waring, New York) Cross Peppermint Patty from "Peanuts" with Sgt. Lugg from "Beetle Bailey" and, um, don't ask, don't tell. (Bird Waring, New York) And Last: Combine Mark Trail with Judge Parker and Rex Morgan and Mary Worth and get a cartoon in which Mark Trail gets to lecture kids about how, by combining boring strips no one reads, we can all pitch in to save paper. (George J. Papanicolaou, Bethesda) ====================================================================== WEEK 460, published June 30, 2002 Week CXXVII (460): Pompous Assets "In 1985, in my preface to a three-volume reference set about Shakespeare's world, work and influence, I noted that falling under the spell of the man Ben Jonson dubbed the 'Sweet Swan of Avon' is one of life's most liberating experiences. This paradox has been affirmed and reaffirmed by more than four centuries of drama professionals, theatergoers and other observers. And if the memoirs to be examined in the paragraphs that follow are any indication, it has lost none of its original pertinence . . ." This Week's Contest was proposed by Mike Pocalyko of Oak Hill. Mike suggests that you come up with the first paragraph of a review of a real book or a movie -- past or present -- that is as narcissistic, pretentious and self-aggrandizing as the review above -- which actually appeared in The Washington Post two weeks ago. Maximum length, 50 words. First-prize winner gets a Spam-can piggy bank donated to The Style Invitational by Bruce Friedrich, PETA's Washington bureau chief. Bruce procured this item from the Spam Museum in Austin, Minn., to which he was dragged by a sweet, elderly, clueless relative. That was bad enough, and then he learned that the inventor of Spam was named Friedrich and may well be a relative. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, July 8. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown, of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CXXIII (456), in which we asked you to come up with completely unfunny, humor-impaired questions for "Jeopardy!" answers we had previously supplied. Several persons were disqualified for the mistake of being too funny. The best of these was Chuck Smith of Woodbridge (Answer: Germany, only Germany. Question: In what country is the "Family Circus" character "Ida Know" named "Ino Nussing"?). We also must reprimand Mark Hagenau of Derry, N.H., for unnecessarily pointing out the unfortunately amusing fact that "Rapid I Movement" is an anagram for "Vomit me a pi, nerd." Third Runner-Up: Answer: A Mackerel Lollipop. Question: What do you get when you cross a mackerel with a lollipop? (Andrew Nellis, Washington; Simon Toomey, Christchurch, New Zealand) Second Runner-Up: Answer: Rapid I Movement. Question: What is a homophonic pun on a phrase used in polysomnography? (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) First Runner-Up: Answer: Velcromagnon Man. Question: How would Mel Brooks, speaking with a Yiddish accent, say "Well, Cro-Magnon man?"(Judy Miller, Poolesville) And the winner of the Loser pen that mistakenly says "Bizarre" instead of "The Czar": Answer: Those Paper Toilet Seat Covers. Question: What product should be recyclable but isn't because big business rapes the planet to assure that we have clean buttocks when we excrete cows we have murdered and consumed? (Mark Young, Washington) Honorable Mentions: A Mackerel Lollipop What might a masochistic Catholic piscatologist confectioner create for use as a dessert after a Lenten dinner? (Greg Berry, Fairfax) What treat would be difficult to "fin"-ish? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) What takes a licking and keeps on stinking? (Mike Hammer, Arlington) What kind of candy doesn't swim upstream to spawn? (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) Those Paper Toilet Seat Covers Let's say your company's coffeemaker is located in the ladies' room. Well, what might work pretty well as a substitute if you ran out of coffee filters? (R.J. Sturgeon, Kensington) What does George W. Bush use for lobster bibs because he's so clueless that he does stupid things? (Ned Bent, Herndon) What is different from eggs in that eggs might hatch if you sat on them? (Mike Genz, La Plata) Abigail, but Not Martin, Van Buren What is a chain of six words where each word contains at least one letter that goes above the middle line in print handwriting? (Lex Friedman, Manalapan, N.J.) Fran Drescher and the Norwegian Parliament Who's probably not going to come over and help me take out the garbage? (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) Whom did R. Kelly not videotape himself having sex with? (John Stoner, Durham, N.C.) Who starred in the TV movie "The Nanny Gets Elected to the Norwegian Parliament"?(Mike Hammer, Arlington) Rapid I Movement What do you call that shouting thing that the Indians did when they attacked the soldiers in the movies? You know, that "I-I-I-I thing." That was cool. (Mark Young, Washington) What happens when you hold down the key between U and O for a really long time, like thisiiiiiiiiiiiii? (Greg Pearson, Arlington; Dierdre Bond, Silver Spring) It Got Lost in the Translation. What must have happened to the proper spelling of Osama bin Laden's name, since everyone seems to be calling him O-sama in clear contradiction of the Library of Congress, which calls him U-sama? (Mark Young, Washington) What is the TransItGotlation? (Don Watkins III, Springfield) Velcromagnon Man What would be an obvious paleontological hoax, assuming you knew that Velcro wasn't around in prehistoric times? (Steve Fahey, Kensington) What would be a great name for a TV sitcom about a caveman who is always getting into "sticky" situations? (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Germany. Only Germany What instructions did the bacteria leader give his bacteria soldiers just before infecting a knee? (J.D. Berry, Springfield) Enron and Cream of Mushroom Soup. What rhymes with "Shmenron and Shmeam of Shmushroom Shmoup"? (Lex Friedman, Manalapan, N.J.) Kukla, Fran and Osama Who's buried in Kukla, Fran and Osama's tomb? (Hank Wallace, Washington) What are a puppet, a TV personality, and the personification of evil who should rot in Hell? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I Can't Hear You, You're Breaking Up What did Quasimodo (1) say to Saint Catherine (2)? (1) Character in Victor Hugo's novel "Notre Dame de Paris" (1831), who becomes deaf after prolonged exposure to loud bell ringing. (2) 4th-century A.D. virgin martyr (most likely apocryphal) whose capital sentence included breaking on the wheel. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) ====================================================================== WEEK 461, published July 7, 2002 Week CXXVIII (461): Punch Us Again This Week's Contest is to improve the comics. Take the recent "B.C." printed above. We can all agree the last line leaves much to be desired. It would be better if it read, for example, "Forget it, it must be 20 years old, then." Your challenge is to take any comic from the daily Washington Post (or our Web site) during the next week (Monday through Saturday, starting tomorrow) and make it better by changing the contents of the final word balloon. Make sure you specify which day your cartoon appeared. First-prize winner gets an excellent "Dilbert" tie. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, July 15. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CXXIV (457), in which you were to supply the beginnings of letters to the editor that will never see print. But first, some important business. Several weeks ago, we held a contest to commemorate the announced retirement of Style Invitational superstar (Russell Beland, Springfield). We ran the contest results. And then, suddenly, with no explanation, we began receiving entries again from (Russell Beland, Springfield) as though nothing had happened. On the one hand, this is delightful news for his legions of groupies. On the other hand, he must be punished. The Czar is not a cruel man, but he is a firm man, and justice must prevail. Hence, it is hereby proclaimed that from this day hence, (Russell Beland, Springfield) shall be permitted to submit entries as usual excepting that his next nine (9) published entries shall be publicly credited to someone else. Mr. Beland will receive no acknowledgment of these entries other than an accounting, week by week, of the number of entries remaining in his punishment bank. The banked entries will not count toward his lifetime total, for purposes of eventual induction in The Style Invitational Hall of Fame. This order is final. It cannot be questioned and is not subject to appeal. Russ has one entry published today, leaving him with eight to go. Third Runner-Up: Dear Editor: I'm not a bad-looking guy but I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me. My wife was out of town when the doorbell rang and two traveling aerobics instructors . . . (Bird Waring, New York) Second Runner-Up: Dear Ed Itor: Congratulations! You have been chosen to receive a FREE 3-day, 2-night cruise for you and the entire Itor family . . . (Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Meg Sullivan, Potomac) First Runner-Up: Dear Editor: I must protest your policy of referring to single mothers by their names without identifying them as whores. God has clearly . . . (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) And the winner of the Battle Mountain, Nev., "Armpit of America" T-shirt: Dear Editor: On Page A1, Column 2, Line 4, the word "reply" appeared. The line in the "e" was slightly lighter than the rest of the letter. With my magnifying glass, I have found 174 occurrences of this phenomenon since January 2001. The first was on . . . (Fil Feit, Annandale) Honorable Mentions: Dear Editor: I'd like to share with your readers a foolproof new way I have discovered to steal newspapers . . .(Jim Wilson, Arlington) The Washington Times said I should send my letters to you guys from now on, so . . . (Mike Genz, La Plata) Dear Editor: First off, I would like to make it clear that I am not a crackpot. Second . . . (Kenneth A. Steadman, Washington) Dear Editor: I wish to object, anonymously, to your policy of not printing anonymous letters. This practice . . . (Douglas Heller, Elizabeth, N.J.) Dear Editor: This is my eighth letter on this topic, and I expect THIS one to be printed, dammit. Now . . . (Fil Feit, Annandale) Dear Editor: Please excuse the handwriting. It is very difficult to write a letter with one hand while your pants are around your knees and . . . (Bird Waring, New York) Dear Editor: I am writing to compliment one of your employees. I don't know her name but she is about 5 feet 6, 125 pounds with shoulder-length reddish- brown hair. She leaves every day between 5:15 and 5:35 and always carries a stainless steel thermos. Twice last month -- the 7th and 21st -- she wore a rust-colored blouse with a brown skirt and brown shoes and looked absolutely fetching, and . . . (Mitch Mularz, Aberdeen, Wash.) Dear Editor: While I enjoy your food section, I regret to say I have never seen a recipe for the preparation of dog, and . . . (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Dear Editor: I would like everyone to know that my grandson, Rheinhardt A. Gaymon, has never once written a thank-you letter for any of the gifts I have sent him, and it is probably because his mother, my daughter-in- law, was raised in a stable and . . . (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) Read or Edit: Get it? I scrambled the letters of "dear editor"! Ha ha. I got the idea when . . . (Greg Krakower, New York) Dear Editor: Please excuse the rudeness of my last 50 letters. . . . (J.D. Berry, Springfield) Dear Editor: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW . . . (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Dear Editor: Re: proposed changes / In the fed'ral tax code / I'll express my misgivings / In the form of an ode . . . (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Attention Tool of the Oppressors . . . (Anne Fleming, Alexandria) Dear Editor: Reading this will probably make the average person vomit, but . . . (John Covert, Falls Church) Dear Editor: Was it not the Roman poet Terence who said, "Quot hominus tot senteniae"? Yes, I believe it was . . . (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Dear Editor: As a staunch opponent of free speech, I demand that my letter not be printed. (John Kammer, Herndon) Dear Editor: So, what are you wearing? (John Kammer, Herndon) Dear Editor: While I have been a fan of Herblock for years, I fear he has begun diminishing himself by chasing fashion. Each of his cartoons these days seems to be in a different style. . . . (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Dear Editor: As you know, today is "an especially opportune time" for me to "write a lengthy letter" to you (Today's Horoscope, July 7, 2002) and . . . (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Dr. dtr: Pls frgv m f ths lttr s hrd t rd. hv nt hd vwl mvmnt n svrl ds. H h! Bt, srsl, . . . (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Dear Editor: I am objecting for to the reference in your newspaper of Washington to Mr. Saddam Hussein. Mr. Hussein should always be referred by proper title of His Most Excellent Munificent Compassionate and Benevolent Leader . . . (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Dear Editor: I hate when people try to exploit society by getting something for free. For example, I'm selling some used furniture at my house on 3292 Main Street, including chairs, bookshelves and a darling rolltop desk, but I would never consider . . . (Lex Friedman, Valley Village, Calif.) Dear Editor: My name is Neal. I am 10. I have to do a report on yellow journalism. What is that? My dad said you would know. . . . (Mike Genz, La Plata) Dear Editor: Legislating the 2.8 GPF toilet was a step in the right direction, but we must continue our efforts to eliminate unnecessary waste of our precious water resources. I speak of the "courtesy flush," an insidious practice in corporate restrooms that . . . (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Dear Editor: TABLE OF CONTENTS.....................Page 1 Intro..................................................... 4 About the Author of this letter..............6 Abstract...............................................9 Suggested further reading.................11 Introduction to the body of this letter .... (Chris Rubino, San Diego) ====================================================================== WEEK 462, published July 14, 2002 Week CXXIX (462): Cast Away Marlon Brando as Superman. Gilbert Gottfried as Rick Blaine in "Casablanca." Rosie O'Donnell starring in "The Karen Carpenter Story." Samuel L. Jackson as Helen Keller. Kevin Costner as Robin Hood. Oh, wait . . . . This Week's Contest was proposed by Sheri Dye of Petersburg, Va. It was inspired by the line in the Terrence McNally play "Love! Valour! Compassion!" about the musical theater nightmare of seeing "The King and I" with Tommy Tune and Elaine Stritch. Your job is to come up with a similar terrible bit of miscasting in a movie or TV show, past or present, real or imagined, as in the examples above. (We actually think we may have done this contest years ago, but don't recall for sure, couldn't find it, and don't really want to know.) First-prize winner gets a package of six "Eight Legged Freaks," pellets that become monstrous bugs when immersed in water. They are a press giveaway from the producers of the new movie "Eight Legged Freaks," who hope to get good publicity for this tired slice of fetid schlock. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, July 22. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Lex Friedman of Manalapan, N.J., and Chris Doyle of Burke. Report from Week CXXV (458), in which we supplied nine punch lines and asked you to come up with setup lines. Second Runner-Up: Punch line: Because falling would have been too obvious. Setup: Why did William F. Buckley say he was "precipitating gravitationally" in love? (Mike Genz, La Plata) First Runner-Up: Punch line: Because the rhinoceros got there first. Setup: Chelsea comes home one day and discovers Hillary watching a rhinoceros stomping Bill to a pulp. "Mom," she shouts, "Why aren't you doing something?" And Hillary says . . . (Ken Lickliter, Bristow, Va.) And the winner of the "Bad Company" promotional material: Punch line: No, you moron, you were supposed to wear it. Setup: Explorer 1 (returning from bushes): You were right, Profethor. The pith helmet thertainly came in handy! Explorer 2: . . .(William Zamojcin, Vernon, Ct.) Honorable Mentions: YELLOW AND RED. What's the color of the snow around Tony Soprano's house? (Judith Cottrill, New York) From worst to first, what are the badges of courage? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What did the physicist get when he split the orange? (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station; Dave Komornik, Berkeley Springs, W.Va.) What color is a lemon with a sucking chest wound? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) How does Pat Buchanan describe the journalism at The Washington Post? (Susan Thompson, Rockville) What is the color of the flag of the People's Republic of Banana? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) THAT'S THE VICE PRESIDENT'S JOB. On entering office, George W. Bush was shocked to find his powers extremely limited. He tried to pass a law, but was told that is Congress's job. He tried to reinterpret the Constitution, but was told that is the Supreme Court's job. He tried to set interest rates, but was told that's Alan Greenspan's job. Finally, he said, "If you guys don't let me do something, I'm gonna have a heart attack." Sorry, he was told, . . . (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) BECAUSE FALLING WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO OBVIOUS. Why did the abstract artist levitate after slipping on a banana peel? (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) BECAUSE THE RHINOCEROS GOT THERE FIRST. What is the real reason Mei Xiang wouldn't let Tian Tian get intimate with her? (Andy Wexler, Silver Spring) IT WAS TOO HOT. Why didn't Satan visit Washington in August? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Three accountants die in a car crash, but are brought back to life when it it is discovered a clerical error had been made and their numbers weren't up yet. The PriceWaterhouse auditor said, "Frankly, the harp music was driving me nuts." The Ernst & Young tax man said, "Same here." And the guy from Arthur Andersen said . . . (Milo Sauer, Washington) BECAUSE TOMATOES WOULD HAVE RUINED THE WHOLE THING. Why did wedding guests throw rice at the bride and groom as they came out of church? (Mike Genz, La Plata) THE SECOND CANDIDATE SHOWED FAR MORE ENTHUSIASM. Why did the first candidate get the mortician's job? (Mike Genz, La Plata) NO, YOU MORON. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WEAR IT. First moron: I threw the clock out the window. Second moron: . . . (Mike Genz, La Plata) IT'S NOT THE BEGINNING, IT'S THE END. What is the worst prom theme yet? (George J. Papanicolaou, Bethesda) How can you tell a rabbit from an Italian? (Fred S. Souk, Reston) And Last: BECAUSE THERE IS NO NUMBER EIGHT. How do you know the guys running the contest are morons? (Benjamin Pollack, Fairfax Station) ====================================================================== WEEK 463, published July 21, 2002 Week CXXX (463): Retell Sales Ebenezer Scrooge was a hardworking businessman. His clerk, Bob Cratchit, complained constantly. He wanted "more holidays" and "more money." It never occurred to Cratchit to roll up his sleeves and do an honest day's work or go to night school and pull himself up by his bootstraps . . . This Week's Contest was definitely not inspired by Mad magazine, which, being targeted at 15-year-old boys, is a far less respectable sort of product than the Style Invitational, which is targeted at 15-year-old boys and girls. Many years ago, Mad ran the above example of "A Christmas Carol" as retold by Ronald Reagan. Well, our contest is so different as to be an entire genre altogether: Give us the beginning of any well-known story as retold by any famous person, living or dead, except for Ronald Reagan. First-prize winner gets a brassiere-wearing stuffed gorilla doll that sings the macarena song. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, July 29. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CXXVI (459), in which we invited you to speculate on the nature of businesses based on their abbreviated Nasdaq and NYSE listings. Fifth Runner-Up:QuakCty: A very low-cost HMO. (Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg) Fourth Runner-Up:DowJns: Makers of dungarees that keep falling down no matter how much you tighten your belt. (Frank Mullen III, Heathsville) Third Runner-Up:RuralCel: The country's leading retailer of string and tin cans. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Second Runner-Up:FriedBR: Makers of the perfect snack for guys -- slices of fried beer. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) First Runner-Up: DeutTel: Publisher of unauthorized celebrity biographies. (Ken Advent, Parma, Ohio) And the winner of "How to Win Pageants": McMoRn: Trainer of all those stupid fast-food servers. (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: EbrasAero: Online lingerie store specializing in helium-filled support undergarments. (Karen Gilber, Columbia) BurnPP: Manufacturer of home testing kit for bladder infections.(Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Chris Doyle, Burke; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Moodys: Manufactures PMS relief formula. (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.) FEMSA: Organization of female geniuses. (Mike Hammer, Arlington) JohnsnOut: Makers of specialty raincoats. (Bruce Johnson, Annapolis; Mike Hammer, Arlington) Comverse, NikuCP and Pumatch: Makers of low-cost knockoff sneakers. (William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.) IspatIntl: Spittoon manufacturer. (William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.) StudLoan: Escort service. Also has a sister company: BJ Svc. (William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.) PlumCrk: Makers of low-riding jeans. (William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.) ChemFinl: Baffled by the periodic table? Let one of our surrogate test takers handle that end-of-semester exam. (Frank Mullen III, Heathsville) RentACtr: Temp agency for those specialized tasks requiring a centaur. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) CirCCar: Company pioneered the roving Mohelmobile. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) PubStrg: Makers of thongs. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Guidant: Trainer of service insects for the blind. (Greg Pearson, Arlington) BorgWarn: Makes satellites to monitor for attacks by alien robots. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Greg Pearson, Arlington) BPOP: Sperm bank franchises. (Robin Diallo, Lilongwe, Malawi) Brascan, BroadVisn: Competing makers of X-Ray Specs. (Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg; Frank Mullen III, Heathsville) ConAgra: Makes the opposite of Viagra, for use in prisons. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Diebold: Makes Viagra for extremely senior citizens. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Mandalay: Chain of escort services for women. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) PattUTI: Spittoon maker (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Natuzzi: A venture started by the NRA to help get children interested in guns prior to birth. (Sugar Strawn and Jack Welsch, Alexandria) Ashland: Developer of cremation theme parks. (Chris Doyle, Burke) FriedBR: Company run by former stoners; even they are not quite sure what they do. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) BackWb: A chain of massage parlors that make you feel vewwy, vewwy nice. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Xanser: Supplies recorded dirty messages for phone answering machines. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Loudeye: A very confused company. (Bruce Johnson, Annapolis) DiaOffs: Makers of quick-remove underpants for bathroom emergencies. (Kathy Couper, Palmyra) Novartis: Swedish producer of anti-flatulence potion. (David McAuley, McLean) MBIA40: Maybe I Am 40, a plastic surgery chain. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) ColMu: Colonel Mustard Inc., makers of candlesticks and lead pipes. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Heclam: Father-of-pearl jewelry. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) ====================================================================== WEEK 464, published July 28, 2002 Week CXXXI (464): Cursive Writing May your name and phone number turn up in Osama's black book. May you discover that the torrid online correspondence you've been having is with your daughter. May you be stranded in Central Pennsylvania and be given an emergency root canal by an Amish dentist whose drill is powered by a goat. This Week's Contest reprises a contest we ran eight years ago. It needs updating. Come up with a new curse for this new millennium, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a vintage 1953 framed copy of "The Eisenhower Prayer," an oath that Eisenhower-era bureaucrats displayed on their walls. There may be no document in the history of the Republic more violative of the principle of separation of church and state. It is worth $40. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 5. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Mike Genz of La Plata. Report from Week CXXVII (460), in which you were asked to come up with the start of a comically pretentious and self-aggrandizing book or movie review. A special thank-you to Mark Carson of Rockville, who pointed out that we needed to look no further than our own op-ed pages, and this recent gem from columnist Charles Krauthammer: "As the All-Star Game approaches, the players' union is about to set a date for a strike. Barry Bonds is wrong. Baseball will not survive it. How do I know? Because if the players do strike, they may one day come back. But I will not. And if baseball loses me, there will be no one else left." The Sisyphean ordeal of (Russell Beland, Springfield) continues this week. He has two entries published under other people's names, leaving him six more in his punishment bank. Third Runner-Up: On the set of "The Color Purple," I asked, "Steve, will you ever make a film that truly understands mankind's perverse desire to deprive himself of natural justice?" In the ensuing years this question has preoccupied the director to the point where it completely dominates his latest film . . . (Mark Young, Washington) Second Runner-Up: I found this film best enjoyed in its original Swedish, but with Italian subtitles . . . (Jeremy Fisher, Manchester, Mass.) First Runner-Up: After returning home from a conference celebrating the best and brightest recent graduates of Harvard Law School, where about 17 men, conservatively speaking, confided to me that I bear an uncanny resemblance to the protagonist in the movie "Erin Brockovich," I was compelled to see the film. And . . . (Judy Miller, Poolesville) And the winner of the Spam can piggy bank: It occurred to us the other eve whilst dozing at a local cinefestspielhaus's airing of "Night of the Living Dead" that we could celebrate the resurrection of the deceased only if those revivified emanated from the class epitomized by Mr. Noel Coward, the Lunts and Barrymores, M. Jean Cocteau, Ms. Dottie Parker . . . (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Honorable Mentions: It was my turn to recommend a literary work to the Single Mothers' Intensive Reading Circle (SMIRC), and I was certain I had found the perfect book to describe our lives: "Invisible Man." Ha! It turned out to be just another excuse for a man to whine about his problems . . . (Jennifer L. Nelson, Washington) "Spider-Man" disappointed me, though it seemed to amuse the audience that accompanied me to the theater; they appeared to enjoy the comic antics and whatnot . . . (Rob Carey, Dublin) With great pride I unequivocally recommend "The Bible," a wonderful historic book, the recent success of which may well be due to my positive review of the Viking paperback edition three years ago in this space . . . (Tony Hope, Washington) While "Platoon" attempts to capture American soldiers' experiences in Vietnam, those of us who were really there, not holed up in Saigon sipping Kahlua with bar girls in silk dresses while the rest of us waded through paddies, only to get home to find . . . (Robert Gruner, Palo Alto, Calif.) A biscotti, perhaps. But an entire meal with Andre? Oh, no, my dears. No, no, no, no. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Since Professor Stephen Hawking had described me as the smartest man he has ever met, I am delighted that this review of his brilliant new book allows me to return the favor . . . (Joseph Romm, Washington) Having penned a few plays myself, I understand how difficult it is to be both original and entertaining. Nonetheless, the extent of Mr. Shakespeare's plagiarism is shocking . . . (Joseph Romm, Washington) I don't want to hear anymore about what a great novel "Crime and Punishment" is. While I myself would never deign to read mystery novels, it was readily apparent early on even to me that Raskolnikov was the killer. I couldn't be bothered to read any further, and . . . (Roy Ashley, Washington) As noted in my previous reviews of works by Sophocles and Euripides, sequels inevitably repeat the same tired themes of the original, introduce unbelievable plot contrivances, and suffer from multiple inconsistencies. Sadly, the New Testament is no exception . . . (Joseph Romm, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 465, published August 4, 2002 Week CXXXII (465): Hyphen the Terrible Opti-ate: Devoured with the eyes; leered at. Delic-age: For women, between 50 and 65. Word has no known meaning for men. Delic-quette: Really, really delicate. Unauthor-age: Plagiarism. This Week's Contest: Take the first half of any word or word combination in today's Post that is broken by a hyphen at the end of a line, and combine it with the second half of any other hyphenated word from the same story, and define the new word that is formed. (Persons outside The Washington Post circulation area can use Monday's USA Today.) The examples above were taken from today's Miss Manners column. Make sure you specify the story from which your new word came. First-prize winner gets Baby Born Miniworld, one of the most revolting new toys available. It is a self-contained little pink world featuring a glum-looking bald infant who is, paradoxically, celebrating her second birthday alone with a little pink cake in a little pink room filled with little pink choking hazards. It is worth $15. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 12. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Fil Feit of Annandale. Report from Week CXXVIII (461), in which we asked you to take any comic from that week's papers and rewrite the last piece of dialogue to make it funnier. But first, an important announcement: Hey, kids! You know how you like to read the funnies? Well, these may LOOK like the funnies but they aren't! You won't want to read them because they aren't funny. And if you ask Mom 'n' Dad to explain them, they'll get all twitchy and shoo you off to write a letter to your aunt or something instead. So it's best not to even look at them. Fourth Runner-Up: CLASSIC PEANUTS "Wha? Garagiola? Hey, was this any funnier the first time we said it?"(Mike Hammer, Arlington; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: BLONDIE "Hey, whatever happenend to racial profiling?" (Bird Waring, New York; Kevin W. O'Connor, Burtonsville) Second Runner-up: MARK TRAIL "Not a chance! My super-short right arm makes me the quickest draw in the forest!" (Andy Jones, Columbus, Ohio; William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.) First Runner-Up: THE FAMILY CIRCUS "Daddy, why did you tell that person you don't have any clothes on?" (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And the winner of the "Dilbert" necktie: DENNIS THE MENACE "Don't worry, Joey. Father Patrick has promised to catch you at the bottom!" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Honorable Mentions: MARY WORTH "Can this friendly little chat wait until the colonoscopy's over?" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) BABY BLUES "It's the day you wash my underwear!" (Mike Hammer, Arlington) BALDO "And you seem to be related to SPEEDY Gonzalez." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) SALLY FORTH "He doesn't seem ten years older with his clothes off!" (Ashby Bryson, Rockville) BEETLE BAILEY "Just look what happened to Polycarp, Bishop of Smyrna, during the Fourth Persecution!" (Roy Ashley, Washington) RED AND ROVER "You're right -- it's mor interesting watching Mr. Tuttle trying on his wife's underwear!" (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) B.C. "Sounds like a question for your pimp." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) SALLY FORTH "You think if I water it, it'll get bigger?" (Justin Kennedy, Alexandria) Next Week: Unnatural Actors ====================================================================== WEEK 466, published August 11, 2002 Week CXXXIII (466): Spit the Difference The Pennsylvania Dutch Ex-congressman James Traficant Poetry by Yeats The Redskins' offensive line A foofy little poodle Five corpulent porpoises Original sin A mole on one's butt The dad in "Zits" A Wall Street Journal editorial Jordan's Queen Noor Capital punishment This Week's Contest: Tell us the difference between any two of the above items. (Example: The difference between Traficant and a mole on one's butt is that the mole has better hair.) First-prize winner gets two more promotional items from the movie "Eight Legged Freaks." The movie, which is a paean to small-town America, hopes to garner good publicity by distributing to newspapers (1) an icky black spider bearing the imprint: MADE IN CHINA, and (2) a bug that pops out of a wooden box with all the sheer terror-inducing suspense of Mister Rogers opening his door. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 19. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phyllis Kepner of Columbia. Report from Week CXXIX (461), in which we asked you to come up with examples of bad casting. A glut of submissions (more than 7,000) created the real possibility that we may have missed crediting an entry similar to one of those we are publishing. If you have been so abused, please accept our sincere unconcern. The hemorrhage of entries also allowed us to reject willy-nilly the unexceptional and cliched, such as Fat Person Playing Skinny Person; Effete Man Playing Manly Man; Lout Playing Sophisticate. Likewise, we ignored simple surface wordplay, such as Dan Quayle in "A Beautiful Mind" or Liberace in "The Man In the Gray Flannel Suit" or Sharon Stone as Jerry Mathers's mom. It was possible to cross a credulity line: No ink to Penny Marshall as Richard III, Sylvester Stallone as Joan of Arc, Lee Marvin as Dorothy Gale, or Abe Vigoda as Jim Morrison in "The Doors." In short, we sought the plausibly implausible: miscasting that transcends the merely inappropriate or physically incongruous to reach a cosmically mismanaged pairing of actor and role. Several people wrote in that we could never hope to out-awful the real-life examples of John Wayne as Genghis Khan, or Mickey Rooney as the Japanese neighbor in "Breakfast at Tiffany's." You judge.(And last, two pressing matters: Stunningly, Russell Beland of Springfield came through with five winners, attributed here to others, leaving him only one in his Punishment Bank. Also, below we run some of the overflow results of last week's cartoon contest, in which you changed the final line of dialogue in actual comics.) Sixth Runner-Up: Hugh Grant, Sean Hayes, Truman Capote, Tony Randall, Gary Coleman, Pauly Shore, Martin Short, Jaleel White, Nathan Lane, Al Franken, David Hyde Pierce and Woody Allen ARE "The Dirty Dozen." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Fifth Runner-Up: Marty Feldman as James Bond. (Ken April, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: Elizabeth Taylor in a remake of "National Velvet." (Ralph Bolgiano, Fulks Run, Va.) Third Runner-Up: Ingrid Bergman as Gidget. (Hugh McDiarmid, Lansing, Mich.) Second Runner-Up: Desi Arnaz as Henry Higgins. (George Kaye, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: Hattie McDaniel as Scarlett O'Hara. (Jerry Duncan, Annandale) And the winner of the eight-legged freaks: James Dean as Kris Kringle in "Miracle on 34th Street." (William I. Rothstein, New York) Honorable Mentions: Barney as Godzilla. (April M. Musser, Arlington) Rodney Dangerfield as Jack Torrance in "The Shining." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Clark Gable as Charlie Chan. (Jeff Arch, Los Angeles) Elmer Fudd as Ben from "The Graduate": "Ewane! Ewane! Ewane!" (William I. Rothstein, New York) Charles Laughton, Richard Burton and John Gielgud as the Three Stooges. (Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg) Roberto Benigni as "Dirty Harry." (Mark S. Mundey, Houston) Sidney Poitier as Buckwheat. (Annabel Westgrier, Schenectady, N.Y.) David Spade as Rocky Balboa. (Jerome Alfred, Fairfax) Mei Xiang as Lassie. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Rowan "Mr. Bean" Atkinson as Vito Corleone. (Stephen Fahey, Kensington) Bob Saget as Othello. (Josh Feldblyum, Potomac) Steve Buscemi as Richie Cunningham in "Happy Days." (Robin Parry, Arlington) Andy Dick as "Ali." (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Bela Lugosi as Curly in "Oklahoma." (R.J. Sturgeon, Kensington) Joe Pesci as Ward Cleaver. (Tom J. Galgano, Bowie) David Schwimmer as Patton. (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Herndon) Scatman Crothers as Pippi Longstocking. (Ron Bottomly, Columbia) Roberto Benigni as Death in "The Seventh Seal." (Kathye Hamilton, Falls Church) Abe Vigoda as Dil in "The Crying Game." (Jason Russo, Falls Church) Albert Brooks as Dracula. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Jon Lovitz as Jesus in "The Greatest Story Ever Told." (Tony Souk, Vienna) Rex Harrison as Skipper from "Gilligan's Island." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Tweety Bird as Mothra. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Kermit and Miss Piggy as Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen. (Cecil J. Clark, Arlington) Beavis and Butt-head in "My Dinner With Andre." (David Moore, Bowie) Mr. T and Pee-wee Herman in "The Defiant Ones." (Todd Gillett, Williamsburg) The Osmonds as Tevye and his family in "Fiddler on the Roof." (Paul R. Gordon, Washington) Camryn Manheim in "The Seven Year Itch." (Jennifer Logue, Quincy, Mass.) Wayne Newton and Kathie Lee Gifford star in "West Side Story." (Jan Verrey, Alexandria) Rick Moranis as Shaft. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) DENNIS THE MENACE "May I have more caviar with my blini, Mr. Wilson?" (Peter G. Wyatt, Silver Spring) HI AND LOIS "Well, not my finger." (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) THE FAMILY CIRCUS "God, please let me make it to another comic strip by puberty." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) SPEED BUMP "Look, I'm serving the TV dinner! Get it? I know it' stupid, but this strip is ALWAYS stupid." (William Kennard, Arlington) Next Week: Rewind the Yard ====================================================================== WEEK 467, published August 18, 2002 Week CXXXIV (467): Get Your But in Here "Trust but verify" is important-sounding but illogical, like "The Solipsists' Society of America." Republicans promising to fight corporate greed is plausible, but really awkward to pull off gracefully -- like putting on jeans over a formal gown. Osama escaping to Tel Aviv is theoretically possible but unwise, like bowling with a cantaloupe. This Week's Contest is very complicated. As in the examples above, produce a line that fits this structure: (Real thing based upon current events) is (word or phrase suggesting some quality) but (other word or phrase suggesting a dissimilar or incompatible quality), like (funny analogy). Yes, we know, but we think it is easier than it seems. First-prize winner gets one of our finest prizes ever, "The Menace of Darwinism," a vintage fulminating 1920s screed by William Jennings Bryan. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 26. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Joseph Romm of Washington. Report From Week CXXX (463), in which we asked for a well-known story retold by a famous person: Second Runner-Up: "Just sit right down and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip / Starting in a northern port aboard a whaling ship, aboard a whaling ship. / Oh, you can call me Ishmael, and the captain is A-hab, / We're out to kill a big white whale, and sell off all his flab, and sell off all his flab . . ." -- "Moby-Dick," retold by Sherwood Schwartz, creator of "Gilligan's Island" (Bird Waring, New York) First Runner-Up: "Young George Washington decided to chop down a cherry tree -- a strong and purposeful act. However, when confronted, instead of standing up for his right to act against mindless convention, he abjectly apologized and sought mercy. After this, it is not surprising that, as an adult, he sought refuge in government jobs." -- Parson Weems's biography, retold by Ayn Rand (Mike Genz, La Plata) And the winner of the bra-wearing stuffed gorilla that sings the macarena: "Hamlet and Ophelia were a good couple. Claudius and Gertrude were evil. Polonius was good and so was Horatio, but Laertes was evil. Clowns good, grave diggers evil. Then there was Fortinbras. We had a Fortinbras at Delta Kappa Epsilon. He was a major league bunghole." -- "Hamlet," retold by George W. Bush (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Honorable Mentions: "Last night I dreamt of Manderley again. It seemed to me I stood by the gate, which could represent the separation of my life with Mrs. Hopper from that with Max. Or it could be symbolic of female genitalia. I wonder what my life would be today if Mrs. Hopper had not been a surrogate mother-image, drawing off the unresolved love-hate fixation I had for my own mother. 'What do YOU think?' asked Max. He was never very helpful." -- "Rebecca," retold by Sigmund Freud (Arthur Litoff, York Springs, Pa.) "In the beginning, all the matter in the universe was compressed into a 10-dimensional black hole approximately 1 Planck unit in radius. The first 20-[+4][+3] of a second was characterized by a period of hyper-inflation that caused the universe to expand to the size of a grapefruit. This condition remained static for the next 320 microseconds, until perturbatory Feynman quantum fluctuations resulted in . . ." -- Genesis 1:1, retold by Stephen Hawking (Joshua Miller, Sparks, Md.) "A man sells his heirloom gold watch to buy tortoise-shell combs for his wife's hair, while she, in turn, sells her hair to buy a platinum chain for his watch. In this we have an economic entity that has failed to coordinate the evaluation and allocation of its long-term static assets and short-term renewable resources, dissipating its capacity to achieve growth." -- "The Gift of the Magi," retold by Alan Greenspan (Mitch Mularz, Aberdeen, Wash.) "Winston Smith, happier than even he was accustomed to being, given that he lived in the paradise that was Oceana, strolled merrily into the Ministry of Truth, his party-provided blue overalls giving him the all the warmth and security he needed . . ." -- "1984," retold by Kim Il Sung(Greg Krakower, Scarsdale, N.Y.) "An ignorant girl invaded the habitat of a beautiful and powerful yet endangered wolf, who was cruelly murdered by a self-righteous woodsman for the crime of obeying its natural instincts and protecting its territory." -- "Little Red Riding Hood," retold by PETA President Ingrid Newkirk (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) "Worried about their families, the townspeople went to the little blue train, and pleaded with him to carry the food up over the mountain. 'I cannot, I am too small,' said the train, crying. Then he ordered my eight- cassette personal empowerment training system . . ." -- "The Little Engine That Could," retold by Tony Robbins (Greg Krakower, Scarsdale, N.Y.) "John Henry was born to be a steel-drivin' man. But the Asians and Europeans dumped steel on the U.S. market, and John Henry got laid off. He had to put his hammer down and died of a broken heart." -- "John Henry," retold by Patrick Buchanan (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) "There's this dame, see? And she leads this guy to the top of a cliff and pushes him off. Then she rolls down after him so it don't look like a hit, see?" -- "Jack and Jill," retold by Edward G. Robinson (Mike Genz, La Plata) "Karenin's wife dumps him for Vronsky. It doesn't work out. She jumps in front of a train." -- "Anna Karenina," retold by Ernest Hemingway (Mike Genz, La Plata) "Now here we are in provincial Russia, in the exclusive habitat of the infamous Fyodor Karamazov. He's rumored to be a grumpy little devil, and sloppy, too -- look how he decorates his home with old vodka bottles, pestles and hundred-ruble notes. Oh, and here he is! My, you're an ugly bloke. Notice the matted hair, the protruding Adam's apple, the bloodshot eyes, the drool. Crikey! He's trying to embarrass me because he doesn't like being talked about. That's his defense tactic, which is why his sheilas and his own offspring all leave him right quick." -- "The Brothers Karamazov," by Steve Irwin (Julia Lozos, Falls Church) "One morning after a restless sleep, Gregor Samsa awoke to find himself transformed in his bed into a giant radioactive superpowered insect . . ." -- "Metamorphosis," retold by Stan Lee (Julia Lozos, Falls Church) "Sweet, sad harrumphing Humpty Dumpty (Yassss! Yassss! Always wanting to hump but always getting dumped!), the old dharma bum himself, waiting on the wall for a fall . . ." -- "Humpty Dumpty," retold by Jack Kerouac (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) ====================================================================== WEEK 468, published August 25, 2002 Week CXXXV (468): Ism This Stupid? Semi-Tourism: Taking one's vacation in a Mack truck. Not a popular practice. Eco-sadism: Environmental protection carried out in such a way as to cause the most pain and suffering: e.g., recycling laws that require separation of pint bottles from quart bottles, domestic beer bottles from imported, tabloid newspapers from broadsheets . . . Bi-Darwinism: The belief that some people (e.g., Nelson Mandela) are fully evolved, while others (e.g., Vin Diesel) are not. This week's contest was suggested by Reene Grossman of Washington. Take any common prefix (mega-, psycho-, proto-, pseudo-, neuro-, techno-, etc.) and attach it to any well-known "ism" and define the new term, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a suitcase-size disguise kit distributed to the media by the makers of the film "Master of Disguise," in the hopes of garnering good publicity for a movie that proved so dreadful that Post film critic Stephen Hunter walked out of the screening in mid-movie and refused to review it. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 3. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos Witte of Gaithersburg. Report From Week CXXXI (464), in which you were asked to invent a modern curse. Third Runner-Up: May you be named Ben Ladden, be 6 feet 4 and weigh 145 pounds, and be paged over the PA system at the Army-Navy Game. (Jonathan Alen Marks, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up: May you have seven daughters and may each major in philosophy at a separate Seven Sisters college on no scholarship and each simultaneously discover that God is a womyn and . . . (Kristina Ogilvie, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: May you answer the doorbell and find Ed McMahon on your doorstep -- alone, on foot, because his car broke down and he wants to use your phone. (Jim Cranford, Spokane, Wash.) And the winner of the vintage 1953 framed copy of "The Eisenhower Prayer": May you create the perfect lawn, moments before the world mistakenly believes you have created a better mousetrap. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Honorable Mentions: May the bird of paradise fly up your nose, and an elephant caress you with its toes, and it be discovered that your most celebrated work is plagiarized. (Donna Lear, Jefferson, Md.) May your doctors say, "Well, the good news is that you have a fatal disease . . ." (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) May you spend eternity in an elevator with the Wazzup guys. (Brian Barrett, Bethesda) May you never see your eye doctor again, after your laser surgery. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) May Fox TV devote a half-hour show to you called "When Colonoscopies Go Bad." (Bird Waring, New York) May you be forced to eat worms, run naked in front of your friends, be humiliated by a stern Englishwoman, and not become famous on a reality TV show. (Joseph Romm, Washington) May your airline pilots be armed and drunk. (Marc Leibert, New York) May you die, go to Hell, and find that Howard Cosell's Heaven is having a guy just like you to talk to. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) May you be the Secret Service agent in charge of Jenna and Barbara.(Joseph Romm, Washington) May you have a terrible disease named after you, and you are not a doctor or research scientist. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) May it be that wherever you are, whatever you do, you can't get the song "Seasons in the Sun" out of your head. Not the Jacques Brel original, the one by that idiot Terry Jacks. You know the one. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) May your elderly billionaire father marry a young woman with huge breasts. (Helene Haduch, Washington) May the first name on your nominating petition be Homer Simpson. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) May your therapist name his yacht after you. (Jonathan Alen Marks, Alexandria) May your mother be the only respondent to your personals ad. (Roy Highberg, Bentonville) May you die a rock star's death, without a rock star's life. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) May that ridiculous Internet urban legend about the stolen organs actually happen to you in Guatemala. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) May you be Saddam's food taster. (Joseph Romm, Washington) May you have to eat crow, and it's carrying West Nile. (Fred S. Souk, Reston) And Last: May your sole source of income be the Style Invitational. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) ====================================================================== WEEK 469, published September 1, 2002 Week CXXXVI (469): Playing Check-In Elton John: Brian Bigbum Jimmy Buffett: Al Vacado Cal Ripken Jr.: Brad Carlton Kevin Costner: Frank Farmer John Travolta: J.T. Smith This week's contest was suggested by Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax. According to a recent gossip column in the Boston Herald, the celebs above use the names above as their aliases when checking into hotels. Your challenge is to suggest more appropriate check-in names for any celebrities, past or present, living or dead. (Kevin suggests, for example, that John Wayne Bobbitt might use "Les Johnson." The Herald actually suggests that Bobbitt does use this moniker, but we strongly doubt it.) First-prize winner gets an excellent pair of Elvis sunglasses with dangling sideburns. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 9. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CXXXII (465), in which you were asked to combine the first half of a hyphenated word in a story in The Post with the second half of another hyphenated word from the same story, and define the new word. Fifth Runner-Up: Tour-tle: An out-of-towner who walks really slowly in front of you.(Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Fourth Runner-Up: Fiz-actors: Aged veterans who are reduced to doing denture commercials. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Third Runner-Up: Bra-mitments: Unwise promises made when under the influence of a bosom. (Fil Feit, Annandale) Second Runner-Up: Hu-ters: An adult-theme Chinese restaurant. (Steve Honley, Washington) First Runner-Up: Knife-throw-fixed: How circus animals get neutered. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) And the winner of the Baby Born Miniworld: Testimo-stitute: An expert witness who will say anything if the fee is high enough. (James Pierce, Charlottesville) Honorable Mentions: Constitu-biguously: How the Supreme Court decides cases. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Occa-triotism: Loving one's country when it's politically advantageous. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Ad-kay: Ary-Gay Ondit-Kay. (Bill and Jo Vogt, Carlisle, Pa.) Prohib-icans: The religious right. (Bill and Jo Vogt, Carlisle, Pa.) Han-dictment: The charge filed against Pee-wee Herman. (Howard Harrell, North Potomac) Reject-fornia: Wyoming. (James Pierce, Charlottesville) Re-Gilligan: To get hopelessly lost again in a place where one was lost once before. (Jennifer L. Nelson, Washington) Under-ture: Deliberate action intended to discourage romantic attentions of another. (Antonym: Overture.) (Jessica Giannascoli, Silver Spring) De-empha-rine: A new drug that makes people more subtle; commonly prescribed to writers. (Charles Haze McCrary, Alexandria) Long-in-the-versation: Describing the work of Tennyson, Stevenson and other self-indulgent poets. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Hand-versation: Two Italians, talking. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Con-pounded: How Arthur Andersen calculated interest. (Marc Leibert, New York) Muse-teroid: A gargantuan apocalyptic rock that will hurtle through space and smash into the Earth, sparking cataclysmic tidal waves, devastating earthquakes, and a lot of really awful poetry. (Marc Leibert, New York) Deter-dress: Burlap sack with "Lesbian Power" stenciled on it. (Marc Leibert, New York) Oklaho-mered: Tipped a cow over with just one push. (Brian Barrett, Bethesda) Ali-phisticated: What befell many heavyweights. See "Ali-gram." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Ali-gram: A stinging left jab. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Inadequa-versity: Your "safe school." (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) Got-Christ: Failed marketing campaign for Billy Graham Crusades. (Dave Komornik, Berkeley Springs, W.Va.) Digi-boot: Induced regurgitation. (Dave Komornik, Berkeley Springs, W.Va.) Intelli-abs: Stomach muscles so hyper-developed that they are capable of independent thought. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Can-master: The sequel to the Thighmaster. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Admini-tors: Bull-headed secretaries. (William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.) Bun-tween: Where a thong goes. (William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.) Inher-tion: The writing of oneself into a will. (Jerome Alfred, Fairfax) Nonprolifera-nium: An element particularly useful in not making nuclear weapons. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Year-itate: To tease someone about his age. (Steve Honley, Washington) Hes-ters: A failed restaurant chain where waitresses wore scarlet A's on the bosoms of their starched white shirts. (Steve Honley, Washington) Choreogra-vert: One who patronizes strip clubs out of appreciation "for the dancing." (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Gin-whispers: Hiccups. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Rat-nership: A corporate merger. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) Dis-fighters: Defenders of the insulted. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Ee-bum: Extra-wide posterior. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 470, published September 8, 2002 Week 470 CXXXVII: Czar Har Cher Nair: Miraculously removes unwanted years from your real age. Buddha gouda: A cheese with a high fat content. Deep Throat boat: It leaks. Victor Hugo Yugo: A car that makes you très misérables. Al Gore floor: It's wooden, and a little slippery. This week's contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Take the name of someone famous, rhyme it with a product, and describe the unholy union, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a pocketbook made from a coconut. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 16. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. No one came up with a better revised title for next week's contest. Report From Week CXXXIII, in which we asked you to explain the difference between any two items in a 12-item list. As always in such contests, some people took the loooong way around to issue political diatribes, as in "The difference between the Dad on 'Zits' and capital punishment is that the dad is an orthodontist, and orthodontia actually solves the problem it is supposed to solve, and . . . " This week marks the return from purgatory of Russell Beland of Springfield. He is back in our good graces after having had nine entries (including one today) attributed to other people. Fourth Runner-Up: The difference between poetry by Yeats and a Wall Street Journal editorial is that poetry by Yeats waxes allegorical, whereas a Wall Street Journal editorial waxes Al Gore. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Third Runner-Up: The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and the Pennsylvania Dutch is that the Pennsylvania Dutch sometimes have a good time when they visit Philadelphia. (Rigoberto Tiglao, Manila) Second Runner-Up: The difference between a mole on one's butt and the dad in "Zits" is that there's no reason to panic when the dad becomes larger and more colorful next Sunday. (Russell Beland, Springfield) First-Runner-Up: The difference between ex-congressman James Traficant and five corpulent porpoises is that Traficant probably wouldn't make it back to shore if you dumped him 10 miles out into the Atlantic. Of course, he might. We could try. (Roy Ashley, Washington) And the winner of the Eight-Legged Freak box: The difference between the Pennsylvania Dutch and a mole on one's butt is that in a Pennsylvania Dutch neighborhood, there's probably no crack. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Honorable Mentions: The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and ex-congressman James Traficant is that when the offensive lines bend over, they're concerned about the guys in front of them. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; John Holder, Rock Hill, S.C.) The difference between original sin and a Wall Street Journal editorial is that the first argues that we are all born with transgressions and the second blames them solely on the Democrats. (Jason Meyers, Charlottesville) The difference between the Pennsylvania Dutch and the dad in "Zits" is that, by comparison, the Pennsylvania Dutch practically define cool. (Amanda Fein, Potomac; Joseph Romm, Washington) The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and poetry by Yeats is that things fall apart on the Redskins' offensive line even when the center IS holding. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Steve Rojcewicz, Silver Spring) The difference between James Traficant and the dad in "Zits" is that the dad in "Zits" is less embarrassing to his children. (John Holder, Rock Hill, S.C.) The difference between the Pennsylvania Dutch and a Wall Street Journal editorial is that one holds a quaint system of beliefs that fails to take the realities of the modern world into account, whereas the Pennsylvania Dutch make excellent pastries. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.; Joseph Romm, Washington) The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and capital punishment is that the Redskins' offensive line can ruin your whole weekend. (Eugene H. Cantor, Bethesda) The difference between capital punishment and the Redskins' offensive line is that capital punishment is probably a pretty good deterrent to killing a quarterback. (Gregory M. Krakower, New York) The difference between five corpulent porpoises and the dad in "Zits" is four corpulent porpoises. (Amanda Fein, Potomac) The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and a foofy little poodle is that poodles tend to have prissy little names like Anton or Francois or Jacques, while the Redskins' offensive line has manly names like Kip, Wilbert and Melvin. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The difference between original sin and a mole on one's butt is you can remove the mole. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) The difference between five corpulent porpoises and James Traficant is four blowholes. (Jack Welsch and Sugar Strawn, Alexandria; J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and a Wall Street Journal editorial is that occasionally, the line will pull to the left. (David E. Romm, Minneapolis) The difference between five corpulent porpoises and original sin is that only original sin is an anagram for "I nail groins." (Russell Beland, Springfield) The difference between James Traficant and a foofy poodle is that a poodle couldn't get away with strapping a dead human to its head and trying to say it was hair. (Bird Waring, New York) The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and James Traficant is that the offensive line has numbers on their uniforms that don't go above two digits. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The difference between five corpulent porpoises and a Wall Street Journal editorial is that the porpoises might prey on cod and salmon, while a Wall Street Journal editorial might pray to God and Mammon. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) The difference between a mole on one's butt and James Traficant is that a mole is a spot on the arse, and Rep. Traficant is an arse on the spot. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) The difference between a foofy little poodle and Queen Noor of Jordan is that the poodle is a dog. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and five corpulent porpoises is that the porpoises came to play. (John Held, Fairfax) The difference between original sin and James Traficant is that original sin is a big onus, whereas . . . (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The difference between a mole on one's butt and James Traficant is that, over time, a mole can grow on you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The difference between poetry by Yeats and capital punishment is that poetry by Yeats is rarely experienced in Texas. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) The difference between the dad in "Zits" and the Redskins' offensive line is that the dad is a soft-in-the-middle Walt, and the offensive line is a soft-in-the-middle wall. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The difference between a foofy little poodle and the Pennsylvania Dutch is that the Pennsylvania Dutch make do, whereas the poodle makes doo. (Spencer Moskowitz, age 8, Bethesda; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The difference between capital punishment and a Wall Street Journal editorial is that capital punishment usually concludes shortly after the victim loses consciousness. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 471, published September 15, 2002 Week 471 CXXXVIII: Excuses, Excuses This week's back-to-school contest was suggested by Kelli Midgley-Biggs of Columbia. Kelli, a creative-writing teacher, challenges you to come up with creative new excuses for not turning in homework. We're expanding it to three other categories, too: not filing your taxes on time, missing church or forgetting your spouse's birthday. First-prize winner gets Tea Boy, a mechanical penguin that automatically dunks your tea bag into your tea for as long as you preset him to. This fine item was donated to the Style Invitational by Judith Greig of Arlington. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 23. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CXXXIV (467), in which we asked you to fill in the blanks: (Some News Event) is (some quality) but (some other quality) like (some funny analogy). But first, an astonishing bit of news. This week marks the entry of not one but two people into the Style Invitational Hall of Fame. Locked for years in a ferocious, seesaw battle for ink, Invitational Goliaths Tom Witte of Gaithersburg and Russell Beland of Springfield wound up -- like so much of America brought together in the past year by events beyond our control -- metaphorically holding hands as they crossed the finish line together. Both receive their 500th career published entries today, joining Jennifer Hart of Arlington and Chuck Smith of Woodbridge in the world's most exclusive club. Statisticians have calculated that the actual odds of a simultaneous two-person Hall of Fame entry, using a standard deviation of 0.5, is precisely the same as that of a chicken, pecking at a piano, playing "Für Elise" all the way through on its first attempt. Third Runner-Up: President Bush's focusing on Iraq to distract attention from domestic corporate scandals is understandable but foolhardy, like distracting attention from your open fly by setting your hair on fire. (Christopher J. Pote, Naples, Italy) Second Runner-Up: The revelation that Yasser Arafat's personal fortune may have been accumulated from money designated for aid is disappointing but unsurprising, like the "Sorry, Try Again" printed on the underside of a soda bottle cap. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) First Runner-Up: Martha Stewart's congressional testimony will be distasteful but also tasteful, like an al Qaeda hideout filled with wall sconces and lavender sachets. (Sarah Elan, Baltimore) And the winner of "The Menace of Darwinism": Listening to President Bush describe his philosophy of governance is entertaining but unnerving, like watching the Three Stooges juggle vials of smallpox virus. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: The idea that there is an epidemic of child kidnappings is frightening but entirely created by the media, like the music career of John Tesh. (Mark Young, Washington) An underfunded prescription drug plan would be well designed but nearly useless, like a two-cylinder Corvette. (Kenneth Stuart Gallant, Little Rock) The administration's tough talk on Iraq is getting tons of media attention without really having done anything yet, like Anna Kournikova. (Russell Beland, Springfield) President Bush's speech promoting corporate integrity seemed heartening at first but was suspect, like an ecology sticker on an SUV. (Mike Russell, Norfolk) A coverup may help a politician look good, but there's always danger of a leak, just like with breast implants. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Jim Traficant's claim that he was framed in an FBI conspiracy is preposterous yet strangely credible, like the notion of J. Edgar Hoover in lingerie. (Fred S. Souk, Reston) Joe Lieberman's presidential aspirations seem ardent but lacking momentum, like rollerblading on gravel. (Mitch Mularz, Aberdeen, Wash.) Statehood for D.C. remains a vaguely possible but unlikely dream, like major league baseball for D.C., only not as important. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Hearing about Charlton Heston's condition is sad but repetitive, like listening to an old nut raving against gun control ad nauseam. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Ending sentences with prepositions is increasingly accepted but still troublesome, like fashion models controlling their weight by throwing up. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Going after Saddam is perfectly understandable, but it leaves you no graceful exit, like realizing you've entered the wrong restroom only after the stall door closes behind you. (Kelly Morgan, Boise, Idaho) Weight loss on a fad diet seems successful at first, but the final result is often disappointing, like flirting with a transvestite. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Decaf coffee is better than nothing but just not quite right, like safe sex. (Russell Beland, Springfield) John Ashcroft's rabid patriotism is well intentioned but scary and destructive, like a hug from Lennie in "Of Mice and Men." (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Having an entry printed in the Style Invitational is exciting but embarrassing, like getting locked out of the house in your underwear. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And Last: This contest is easy to mock but difficult to do, like Anna Nicole Smith these days. (Mark Young, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 472, published September 22, 2002 Week 472 CXXXIX: Water Stupid Idea "Remember, using an adult diaper not only conserves water -- you'll also never miss another important moment of televised football." "Lower your shower head two inches. Those two inches, over the course of an entire shower, amounts to a lot of water saved!" "When drowning puppies, use the toilet rather than the bathtub." This Week's Contest was suggested by Brian Broadus of Charlottesville: bad ideas for saving water in the continuing drought. First-prize winner gets a Battle Mountain, Nev., "Armpit of America" T-shirt. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to mailto:losers@washpost.com U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 30. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CXXXV (468), in which we asked you to come up with, and define, a new word crafted from a well-known prefix and a well-known "ism." Fifth Runner-Up -- Gyno-evangelism: An attempt by women to "flip" gay men. (Bird Waring, New York) Fourth Runner-Up -- Eco-alcoholism: You puke into your compost heap. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Third Runner-up -- Meta-pessimism: The belief that pessimism is a hopeless philosophy that will never work. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Second Runner-Up -- Judeo-cannibalism: Eating human flesh is okay, but not with milk. (Greg Krakower, New York) First Runner-Up -- Osteo-witticism: A humerus play on words; a bone mot. (Chris Doyle, Burke) And the winner of the "Master of Disguise" promotional kit: Bi-jingoism: The feeling of revelatory elation that comes with the sudden slap-to-the-forehead realization that the thing to do is to attack both Iraq and Iran. (Paul A. Stone, Silver Spring) Honorable Mention: Sub-minimalism: The daily output of work by a member of Mayor Williams's petition committee. (Brooks E. Bowers, Damascus) Geo-Prizm: The act of buying a car you know full well will be sporting the bumper sticker "My other car is . . ." (Michael Clem, McLean) Cardio-authoritarianism:Extremely compassionate conservatism. (Stu Gallant, Little Rock) Pseudo-Zoroastrianism: A belief that the world is a never-ending struggle between the forces of light and of darkness for the grace of the supreme deity Ormazd insofar as it gets that cute little Zoroastrian from the gym to go out with you Saturday. (Greg Krakower, New York) Lipo-synergism: How 10 grams of fat, consumed over three meals, can add two pounds of fat and a half-inch to one's hips. (Walt Johnston, Woodstock, Md.) Poly-materialism: A preference for man-made fabrics. (Mitch Mularz, Aberdeen, Wash.) Crypto-cannibalism: I8U. (Scott Watson, Jemez Springs, N.M.) Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism: Opposition to the assertion that "antidisestablishmentarianism" is the longest word in the English language, such opposition being the central tenet of the philosophy known as anti-antidisestablishmentarianism-ism. (Richard Marcus, Gaithersburg) Auto-masochism: A cross-country family vacation. (Bird Waring, New York) Infanti-populism: A childish urge to play with that plastic bubble-wrap stuff. (Dylan Presman, Rockville) Retro-defeatism: The practice of finding fault with past successes. Very popular with liberals. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Litho-anthropomorphism: The strategy employed by Al Gore's campaign advisers. (Walt Johnston, Woodstock, Md.) Ex-humanism: Digging up people, particularly Renaissance philosophers. (Paul A. Stone, Silver Spring) Extra-cubism: Thinking outside the box. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Eco-lesbianism: A tactic used by women whose goal is preventing global overpopulation. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Nano-onanism: The premature completion of a palindrome. The complete term is msinano-onanism. (J.F. Martin, Talkeetna, Alaska) Litho-defeatism: Perpetual feeling of being caught between a rock and a hard place. (Cecil J. Clark, Arlington) Pre-anachronism: Feeling old before your time. (Max Sudol, Richmond, Australia) Quasi-feminism: Seething when guys talk to your chest, while allowing some poor schlep to pay for dinner, hold open doors and send you expensive gifts he can't afford. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.; Angie Krause, Annandale) Pyro-Marxism: The widespread belief that there was another Marx Brother, Zippo, who invented the hotfoot. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Homo-anthropomorphism: The optimistic attribution of human traits to people. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Gluco-capitalism: Belief in the "treacle down" theory. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Seismo-romanticism: The notion that sexual fulfillment requires the Earth to move. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Di-realism: The increasingly prevalent worldview that the death of the Princess of Wales was, in the end, no biggie. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Pseudo-eroticism: Hotel room porn. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Auto-cubism: A genre of compact industrial art emerging from the scrap metal industry. (Walt Johnston, Woodstock, Md.) Oto-eroticism: Whispering sweet nothings in the ear. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Counter-egotism: A compulsion to boast that your kitchen surfaces are Italian marble. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Tele-anachronism: Saying a telephone is "ringing" when it is in fact beeping or tweeting or playing "Ode to Joy." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Pre-cynicism: Optimism. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Contra-dadaism: Mamaism. (Mike Genz, La Plata) ====================================================================== WEEK 473, published September 29, 2002 Week 473 CXL: The Offensive Line This Week's Contest was suggested by cartoonist Bob Staake as a homage to the many people who generally find something to be offended by in The Style Invitational. Find what's offensive in any of these cartoons, and explain. First-prize winner gets six pamphlets, in Spanish, produced in 1972 by the socialist government of Chile, extolling the joys of socialism and communism. The pamphlets were produced shortly before the economy tanked, there was rioting in the streets and the president was overthrown and killed in a CIA-sponsored right-wing coup. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to mailto:losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 7. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CXXXVI (469), in which we asked you to suggest aliases that celebrities might use to hide their identities when checking into hotels. Many, many people offered "Scott Free" for O.J. Simpson, or some version of "Mary Anne Oldrichman" for Anna Nicole Smith. Fourth Runner-Up -- Jack Kevorkian: Angel Odett (Tom Klippstein, Scottsville, Va.) Third Runner-up -- Pamela Anderson & Kid Rock: Mr. and Mrs. Trey La Park (Judith Cottrill, New York) Second Runner-Up -- Kathleen Kennedy Townsend: Kathleen Townsend (Brooks E. Bowers, Damascus) First Runner-Up -- Barbara Walters: Faye Swift (Steve Fahey, Kensington) And the winner of the Elvis sunglasses with dangling sideburns: Bill Clinton: Mr. John Smith and daughter (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: Anna Kournikova: Anita Wynn (Aaron Durst, Upper Marlboro) Monica Lewinsky: Honor Nease (Michael Clem, McLean) Barbra Streisand: Mrs. James Brolin (Russell Beland, Springfield) Mike Tyson: Will F. Uppe (Brooks E. Bowers, Damascus) Michael Jackson: Ivan Toby White (Chris Doyle, Burke) Winona Ryder: Heidi Silver (Christy Cornelius, Chantilly) Winona Ryder: Robin Saks (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) George W. Bush: Ariel Bombardment (Joseph Romm, Washington) Bill Clinton: Seamus All (John Held, Fairfax) Marion Barry: Joe Blow (Kyle Bonney, Fairfax) The Rev. W.A. Spooner: Don Joe (Russell Beland, Springfield) Martha Stewart: Selma Stockoff (Hamdi Akar, Broad Run) Emperor Nero: Christian Herter (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Gary Condit: Gil T. Walker (Frank Mullen, Aledo, Tex.) Katherine Harris: Eileen Wright (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Ari Fleischer: Pat Anser (John Held, Fairfax) Jimmy Hoffa: Pete Moss (Russell Beland, Springfield) Michael Jackson: Les Black (Jenn Sarajian and Jerome Alfred, Fairfax) Lorena Bobbitt: Gladys Severt (Hamdi Akar, Broad Run) Jack Kevorkian: Hugo Gently (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Jesus Christ: Jesus H. Christ (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Adam Clymer: Major LeGasseau (Hamdi Akar, Broad Run) Dan Quayle: Anday Aylequay (Steve Fahey, Kensington) ====================================================================== WEEK 474, published October 6, 2002 Week 474 CXLI: Alphabettering The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. This Week's Contest is based upon an ongoing National Public Radio contest to come up with an "elegant" sentence that uses each letter of the alphabet at least once, to replace the cliched example illustrated above. Now, we don't wish to tread on NPR's tastefully manicured toes, so we will amend our contest rules as such: Create a sentence that uses each letter of the alphabet at least once but that would never be heard on the politically correct, genteel, rarefied air of NPR. Maximum 50 letters; credit will be given for brevity. Here's a brilliant example, written by Washington Post art critic Paul Richard: Bravo, the Jew fixed my zip guns quickly! First-prize winner gets two jars of Trader Joe's Marionberry Spreadable Fruit, donated to The Style Invitational by Steve Offut of Arlington. (We always knew we could count on the erstwhile mayor to turn up in a jam.) First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 14. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week CXXXVII (470), in which we asked you to come up with and describe a commercial product containing a celebrity rhyme. There were a plethora of entries, but relatively few good ones, in part because you kept trying to rhyme, say, "plethora" with "urethra." How tin were your ears? Here's one actual entry: "Regis Philbin Vitamin." Here's another: "Boris Yeltsin Gelatin." Third Runner-up -- Hegel's Bagels: They control you, and even if you destroy them by eating them, in your very eating, they are controlling you. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Second Runner-Up -- Susan McDougal Google: A search engine that allows you to hide documents rather than find them. (Wendy Chien, Palo Alto, Calif.) First Runner-Up -- Ally McBeal Meal: One french fry and a ketchup packet full of Diet Pepsi. (Amanda Dausman, Olney) And the winner of the coconut pocketbook: Yogi Pirogi: You'll like the filling because it's not filling. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Honorable Mentions: Rene Descartes Dart:I think, therefore I aim. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Bob Hope Dope:Cocaine so strong it's strictly a one-liner. (Jack Held, Fairfax) Traficant's Underpants:They're cut a little crooked, so you might get pinched. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Vanilla Ice Rice:A pale imitation of Uncle Ben's. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington) Calista Flockhart's Pop-Tarts:When you've just gotta try to eat something, honey. (David L. Marsh, Reston) Osama's Pajamas:Highly irritating. Induces extreme discomfort. Keeps you awake nights. (Cindy Lane Zorica, Montclair) Job Robe:The full-body hairshirt. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Liberace Hibachi:Dupont Circle version of the George Foreman grill. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) Dolly Parton Carton:Like a chest, only bigger. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) Bill Gates Dates:Pretty good, but not as good as apples. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) Allah Challah:Bread that is definitely not kosher. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Sylvester Stallone Cologne:It generally stinks up the joint, but on some occasions it reeks only a little. (Aaron Durst, Upper Marlboro) Dr. Laura Torah:All the Leviticus with none of the compassion. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) King Lear Beer:Available only in daft. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) J. Edgar Hoover Louver:The versatile ventilation device that swings both ways. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Jack Benny Penny:Pinched thinner than a dime. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Bob Dylan Penicillin:A folk remedy; administered nasally. (Malcolm Fleshner, Arlington) Dorothy Parker Marker:Very sharp line, but runs out of ink after about 50 words. (Mitch Mularz, Aberdeen, Wash.) Linda Lovelace Mace:Prevents men from coming onto you. (Kurt Riefner, Fairbanks, Alaska) Catherine of Aragon Tarragon:Will not germinate seed in cooler climates. (Mitch Mularz, Aberdeen, Wash.) Mick Jagger Dagger:No matter how old, it will never lose its edge. (Ruthie Edelman, Silver Spring) Jimmy Carter Garter:A poor product that is too weak to do its job properly, but after you remove it you will find it useful for other things. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) David Souter Computer:Lifetime warranty, but its internal logic can be baffling. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) ====================================================================== WEEK 475, published October 13, 2002 Week 475 CXLII: Bad Connection This week's contest was proposed by Bird Waring of New York, whose name sounds mighty fishy to us. Bird suggests that you manufacture a flap by taking any two seemingly unrelated stories from anywhere in today's Washington Post, washingtonpost.com, and/or tomorrow's USA Today, and explain how their subjects are linked in some unholy conspiracy or other suspicious way. Specify the headlines on the stories you use. First-prize winner gets what appears to be a genuine elegant ostrich-feather duster distributed to the media in the hopes of obtaining fawning publicity for "Maid in Manhattan." This is a new film starring Ralph Fiennes and Jennifer Lopez, a pairing that seems, in terms of sexual chemistry, like casting Laurence Olivier opposite Roseanne. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 21. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week CXXXVIII (471): This was the contest proposed by schoolteacher Kelli Midgley-Biggs, in which you were supposed to come up with creative excuses for not doing your homework, forgetting your spouse's birthday, failing to file taxes or not going to church. Second Runner-Up -- Excuse for not doing your homework: My dog ate it. Granted, I had to shred it, soak it in gravy and mix it with his kibbles and bits, but he did eat it. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) First Runner-Up -- Excuse for not doing your homework: My printer ran out of ink. So what looks to you as several blank pages is in fact a printout of my entire assignment, but without the ink. (Michael Rae, Potomac) And the winner of the Tea Boy penguin tea-bag dunker: Excuse for forgetting your spouse's birthday: Your birthday brings you one year closer to death. I can barely face that dreadful fact; I certainly do not intend to celebrate it. (Kelley Lund, Ashburn) Honorable Mentions: Excuses for Forgetting Your Spouse's Birthday There was a Monday deadline for The Style Invitational, and I just had to win you the Tea Boy. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Well, you forgot the anniversary of the day I bowled 226. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Excuses for Missing Church I do not wish to offend our wonderful friend and ally, Saudi Arabia. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Well, if that wasn't Jesus who left the message on my answering machine telling me to skip church, who was it? (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) What, it's every Sunday now? (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) I use the Mayan calendar, with its 13-day weeks. Thus, Sunday occurs once every 13 days, and I should really only be in church once every 91 days, when our calendars align. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Because God is everywhere, He and I are staying home to watch cartoons. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) I thought it was a bye week. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I won't go to any fancy brick church when there are children in China worshiping in tar paper shacks. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) If I suddenly start going to church, the terrorists will have won. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Excuses for Not Filing Taxes I couldn't find the category for self-unemployed. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) I am still awaiting a ruling on the deductibility of "Take a Penny, Leave a Penny" contributions. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) My refund will only add to the federal deficit. Therefore, I would prefer that you keep it to pay for well-deserved increases to IRS staff salaries. (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) Excuses for Not Doing One's Homework I found the topic of my homework assignment so original and challenging that it inspired me to apply for a National Science Foundation grant. The grant process is rather lengthy. (Michael Rae, Potomac) Algebra was invented by the Arabs, so in these troubled times, I am making a political statement. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) My pit bull, here, ate it. (J.D. Berry, Springfield) The dog ate my friend's homework that I was going to copy. (Roy Ashley, Washington) I ate my dog, which, unbeknownst to me, had eaten my homework. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) My book report on "Waiting for Godot" will be here soon. (David Moss, Arlington) It doesn't matter. It's all a dream anyway. That's why I'm not wearing pants. (Bird Waring, New York) Local zoning laws prohibit me from working in my home. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) I will gladly turn over my homework once you file a Freedom of Information Act request. (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) I am sorry but I couldn't take any assignment seriously from someone named "Midgley-Biggs." (Danny Bravman, Potomac) And the winner of a Style Invitational T-shirt for a special "Truth IS Better Than Fiction" entry: Last year I was taking Spanish I. I thought I was doing okay until my parents got a note from my teacher saying that I was always late with my homework. It wasn't until we had a conference with the teacher that we figured out the problem: Every time my teacher gave my homework assignment, she would say "Okay, in 10 days." Well, it turns out that what she was saying was, "Okay, entiendes?" which means, "Do you understand?" Obviously I didn't. (Kate Ritzenberg, 14, Bethesda) Next week: Aqueous Humor ====================================================================== WEEK 476, published October 20, 2002 Week 476 CXLIII: Portmanteautapping Anecdotard: An old person who keeps telling the same boring stories. Electionion: When the results at the polls are enough to make you cry. Dachshundheit: What you say after a dog passes gas. This week's contest was suggested by John O'Byrne, from Dublin, modifying an idea originated by Lewis Carroll. The idea is to make a new word by squishing together two existing words, as in the examples above. (Carroll called this a portmanteau word, his most famous being "galumph," which is a combination of "gallop" and "triumph.") The key variation here is that we require that the constituent words share at least two letters. First-prize winner gets a human-head replica from a cosmetology school, complete with wig and an old cosmetology exam! This is worth $50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 28. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CXXXIX (472), in which you were asked to come up with bad ways to conserve water in the current drought. Many people, submitting under the name George W. Bush, suggested "Bomb Iraq." Second Runner-Up: Issue everyone a special shower head attachment that plays the screech-theme from "Psycho." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) First Runner-Up: Start a new ad campaign: "After a tough workout, nothing refreshes like a nice tall glass of eggnog." (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) And the winner of the Battle Mountain, Nev., "Armpit of America" T-shirt: Replace Casual Fridays with Stinky Thursdays. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Get bitten by a radioactive camel; retain the water of 10 men. (Peter Parker, New York) (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Introduce your children to "crunchy" Kool-Aid. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Instead of using ice, have pro hockey games played in socks on a really slippery floor. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) During your next visit to the health club Jacuzzi, wear several pairs of dirty underwear sprinkled with detergent. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Outlaw water balloons and water guns and just let kids punch each other, like in the old days. (William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.) Instead of Gatorade, dump canned peaches over Coach after the big victory. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Require firefighters to just blow really, really hard. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Get the president to try out some tongue twisters, and preserve the flop sweat. (Mark Young, Washington) Replace Chinese Water Torture with West Virginia Drool Torture. (Justin Kennedy, Alexandria) Ask yourself: Do I really need another shark tank? (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) Add a country with high annual rainfall to the Axis of Evil. When we invade, take the water. (Dale Fruchtnicht, Charlottesville) Buy or make a particle accelerator. Maintain an adequate supply of liquid hydrogen and oxygen in the fridge; combine as needed. (Pete Hughes, Alexandria; Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Pull your umbrella inside out, employ as usual during inclement weather, and drain the captured water for later use. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Throw only the baby out. (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church; Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Learn French, then stop bathing. (Bird Waring, New York) Start a generous buyback program for SuperSoakers. (Jon Rice, Charlottesville) Make the nation's water supply taste like new Vanilla Coke. (Gregory Krakower, New York) Drive bigger and more piggy cars, thereby releasing much-needed CO2 for melting all that water trapped at the North and South poles. (Carey Johnson, Arlington; Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Tell the kids the dog got run over, and collect their tears to boil the pasta. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Witnesses at congressional hearings will not be given glasses of water unless they ask for them first. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Shower with an ugly person; this will cut your shower time. (Bird Waring, New York) Move to Philadelphia. They don't have a water shortage. They have a "wudder" shortage. (Marc Leibert, New York) Switch from drugs that must be taken with water to drugs that may be smoked, snorted or injected. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) Water your garden's veggies with urine and sell them to buy bottled spring water. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Encourage the Mets to use joints, not bongs. (Gregory Krakower, New York) Get The Washington Post to stop putting the papers in plastic bags. That should result in heavy rains for weeks. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Wash shirts in pasta water; saves on starch, too. (Tom Matthews, Fairfax Station) Fill Olympic diving pools with those little plastic balls. (William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.; Susan Thompson, Rockville) Since the human body is 85 percent water, use a wine press to squeeze water from fresh cadavers before burial. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Drink everything out of test tubes, to minimize evaporation. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Russell Beland, Springfield) Start a small brush fire near your home and run out with soap when the firefighters arrive to put it out. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) ====================================================================== WEEK 477, published October 27, 2002 Week 477 CXLIV: A Load of Bulwer "On reflection, Angela perceived that her relationship with Tom had always been rocky, not quite a roller-coaster ride but more like when the toilet-paper roll gets a little squashed so it hangs crooked and every time you pull some off you can hear the rest going bumpity-bumpity in its holder until you go nuts and push it back into shape, a degree of annoyance that Angela had now almost attained." This week's contest was suggested by John O'Byrne of Dublin. Above is the 2002 winner of the Bulwer-Lytton bad writing contest, a gem by Rephah Berg of Oakland, Calif. You can do worse, no? Give us the beginning of an even less competently written novel. Maximum 100 words. First-prize winner gets an antique Martha Washington plate (a real blue-hair special). First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 4. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week CXL (473), a contest in homage to the oversensitive, in which you were asked to explain why you are offended by any of these ostensibly benign cartoons. But first: tell us a joke involving the stupidity of the Czar. Send it in by this Tuesday. You might win a T-shirt, and everlasting fame. It can't be some old chestnut, it's got to be really funny, and he's got to seem REALLY stupid. Edgy is good. Second Runner-Up (Cartoon A): When will we be able to portray women in the comics without calling undue attention to their perky breasts? What's next, a telltale bulge in Dagwood's pants? (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) First Runner-Up (Cartoons D and E): There is nothing funny about the existence of glass ceilings for women in the workplace, and certainly nothing funny about actually opaquing them with paint, for additional oppression. (Carl Gerber, Annandale; Claire McManus, Potomac) And the winner of the six 1972 socialist pamphlets from Chile (Cartoon D): Using a miniature hand-held steamroller to kill babies before collecting their blood in a bucket is fine, but it is insulting to suggest that such a workman would not be wearing the proper safety goggles. Union men are not all incompetent. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: My God, this woman is wearing nothing above the waist except a black choker and an open-front vest! Would you want your mother to race down the street like this? (J. Mat Schech, Colesville) The graphic depiction of the relative amounts of flatulence emitted by butterflies vs. humans is utterly disgusting. (Jessica Lynne Mathews, Arlington) How dare you make light of the fact that many of America's elderly are in such dire financial straits that they need to catch bugs for their dinner. (Bird Waring, New York; Karli Sakas, Sweet Briar, Va.) By showing the woman using a net to catch butterflies, your newspaper is clearly implying that this method is preferable to the much more effective one involving assault rifles. (Charlton Heston, Hollywood; Marc Leibert, New York) Cartoon B: We must protect our endangered species! No more whale's-tail hats! (Joyce Rains, Bethesda; John Cook, Arlington) Oh, so only a GUY would be dumb enough to check the burner temperature with his own hand? (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Selma Mathias, Harrisonburg, Va.) Cartoon C: This endangers public health by showing a U.S. government employee driving an unsafe vehicle with no rearview mirror, no seat belts and, apparently, no windshield. Furthermore, he is driving with his eyes closed. What an appalling example for the nation's youth. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church; Keith Waites, Frederick) Your point is a thinly disguised jab at dedicated public servants: All postal workers are "well armed," is it? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) It is an insult to Roman Catholics worldwide to place a letter carrier in the Popemobile, implying that the church had to sell it to settle lawsuits. (Nick Dierman, San Francisco; Jonathan Alen Marks, Alexandria) Cartoon D: "Nose whistle" is a tragic affliction and should not be made fun of in a cartoon. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) "O Canada" must be sung, never whistled, during preparation of the ice rink. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Cartoon E: This desk was obviously made from one solid piece of burled oak. With all the recycled material around today, why did yet another tree have to die to fill our gluttonous needs? (Judith Cottrill, New York) Significantly, there are no 6s or 9s on the blackboard -- an obvious allusion, through omission, to a well-known sexual practice. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) This is an appalling racial slur, suggesting that a black teacher would accept a bribe (an apple) to dismiss class early (it's only 2 o'clock) so she can read a book for her own amusement. (Nicholas Rosen, Arlington) This picture is offensive because it implies that African American teachers should be working only in schools that have not had their flags replaced since, like, 1814. (Brady Holt, Fort Washington) And Last: All the Cartoons: It is deeply offensive that all of these persons, if they live in Washington, are being taxed without their consent. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 478, published November 3, 2002 Week 478 CXLV: Do You Mindset? People have always worn cast-iron diving helmets when pumping gas. Barbie always had a job. "Big Brother" is just a TV show. Cyberspace has always existed, like air. Afghanistan has always been in the news. A "hot line" is a phone for community service, not a security measure against nuclear war. This week's contest was suggested by John O'Byrne of Dublin. Above are items from the 2002 Mindset List, created each year by professors at Beloit College in Wisconsin to help their colleagues understand the new freshman class -- most of whom, this year, were born in 1984. Your goal is to anticipate items for the Mindset List for the freshman class of the year 2020. First-prize winner gets an autographed Carl Kasell bobblehead doll. Carl is the scorekeeper on the weekly NPR quiz show "Wait, Wait . . . Don't Tell Me!" This prize was donated by the PR people at National Public Radio to demonstrate what good sports they are, and how they are not remotely offended by the results of Week CXLI, printed below. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought- after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 11. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CXLI (474), in which you were asked to write a pangram -- a sentence containing all the letters of the alphabet -- that would never appear on NPR. Fifty letters max. (NPR ran its own pangram contest first. Its winner was the rawthur NPR-ish "G.W. Bush quickly fixed prize jam on TV.") We were amazed by the number of pathetic feebs who submitted unoriginal work as their own, including the appropriately hoary "Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs." We were also amazed at how many of the winners needed a little rewriting to get all the letters in: Sloppy, people, sloppy. One of the best responses, alas, wins no prize because it failed to contain itself in a single sentence: A: "Jeopardy's" Alex Trebek. Q: What TV quiz MC is funny as angina? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Fifth Runner-Up: Klutzy carving-up by quack mohels "fixed" a Jew. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Fourth Runner-Up: A defamed prez and bulky JAP exchange quiet vows. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Third Runner-Up: Jeez, woman, quit blocking the TV and go fix my supper. (Amy S. Tryon, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Acfgjklmopquvxz wins the derby! (Wayne Nicholson, Winchester, Va.) First Runner-Up: "Who am taking the Ebonics quiz?" the prof jovially axed. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) And the winner of the two jars of Trader Joe's Marionberry Spreadable Fruit: NPR is a crazy-quilt mix of half-baked new-age jive. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Honorable Mentions: Kvetching, flummoxed by job, W. zaps Iraq. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Our job's to nuke Iraq, vex a fuzzy-mustached low pig. (Rick Fisher, South Riding) Mr. Bush's face jerks quietly, a wavy pretzel pharynx-lodged. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) We faxed the Czar a bevy of gem-quality sphincter jokes. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Jew mobsters finagled Zovirax from phony quacks. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Israel's jumpy, being a quick stone's throw from vexed zealots. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Aged women fart exactly like quiet zephyrs, by Jove. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) "Jeopardy" quiz show emcee Alex Trebek is a vain, goofy ninny. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) He's quickly devouring beans for extra tailwind in jump zone. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) "We give NPR CPR," says Alex Trebek of the fun quiz game "Jeopardy." (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Rose red / kumquat orange / Phlox white / Jive Czar's fat butt . . . oy! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) A bad ex-VP can't forget the lowly media jerks' potato quiz. (Greg Thome, Arlington) Just a quick blow with Mom gave Oedipus Rex a prize of no eyes. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Jinxed by VD, a glum Schwarzkopf quit. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Saying "whazzup" was quickly voted far more enjoyable than sex. (John Burton, Herndon) Gay ex-jeweler Kevin Fiz hoped to become President AND Queen. (Bird Waring, New York) Mr. Zbigniew Brzezinski chafed in sexy opaque velvet PJs. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Lizzy Borden, quoting Jack Kevorkian, offs Ma 'n' Pa with Xanax. (R.M. Oba, Washington) Zooey just loved a quickie before waxing her armpits. (John Hiles, Hyattsville) We've seen Jimi, Queensryche, Styx, Zeppelin, BB King and Foghat.(Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.) Zeb's an old virgin; his quest for sex makes cows jumpy. (Mary Lou French, Lorton) Iraqis eat juicy pickled zoo bat, cow phlegm and fox ovaries. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 479, published November 10, 2002 Week 479 CXLVI Invest Case Scenario The Vertical Bathtub Company Manufacturers of fine bathtubs in which you stand while bathing. The Hammock Barn Fine hammocks constructed entirely of pork products. Ye Olde Dental Associates Tooth care like when grandma was a girl. (Ask about our BYOB anesthesia options.) This week's contest: Suggest new companies in which it might be unwise to invest, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a sad-looking ceramic gorilla squatting on a copy of the Wall Street Journal. No, we don't know what it is supposed to mean, either. But when Margareta Metcalf of the Cordell Collection in Bethesda saw it, she held it for us, perhaps understanding -- with the innate genius that professional antique dealers possess -- that no one else on Earth would buy it. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 18. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report 1 from Week CXLIV (477): the first of two weeks' worth of Opening Lines of Very, Very Bad Novels. But first: How dumb is the Czar? So dumb he doesn't even realize that Gene Weingarten is shtupping his wife. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Not bad. It won the emergency "How Dumb Is the Czar?" contest announced two weeks ago when it became apparent to the Czar that he had created a contest no one would win. Week CXLII, the results of which were to have been published today, required you to find funny hidden cabals in the news stories of the day. A daunting task. Too daunting. None of the measly 120 entries produced even a germ of an idea worthy of publication. Fortunately, you proved equally inept as writers of literature, in a good way. Today, the first of two weeks' worth of Opening Lines of Very, Very Bad Novels. Third Runner-Up: She awoke early and thought to herself, "Yet another day for me, Jennie Smith, here in Seattle, working as a secretary." She got up, went to the bathroom, reached for her hairbrush and used it, thinking, "I miss Sean, my son whom my husband (Jeff) now has custody of since our messy divorce in February 2001." (Fred Burggraf, Charlotte Hall, Md.) Second Runner-Up: When legendary actress and beauty Angelique Lafayette -- great-great-great-great-great-great- granddaughter of General Lafayette of Revolutionary War fame -- walked into the boardroom of the corporation she had suddenly inherited when her late lover and CEO, Piers Johnson, had died ignominiously in her bed after explosive lovemaking, there was nothing in her regal manner to suggest her overwhelming urge to urinate all over her expensive gray wool crepe Chanel suit. (Francesca Kelly, Rome) First Runner-Up: It was a bright and sunny night . . . (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) And the winner of the antique Martha Washington plate: I've never had a case more complex than the theft of the jade pillbox, nor a twist more shocking than the weepy eleventh-hour confession of the gardener, Mr. Rosebottom, and the strange events that followed in which his son, Elmer, was revealed to have provided the poison that killed Mrs. Dinglewood, with whom he had been having a secret affair for years. But perhaps I should begin at the beginning . . . (Brian Barrett, Bethesda) Honorable Mentions: Tina was depressed. She sat and stared out her window at the window across the street that seemed to reflect her staring out her own window. It made her reflect on her reflection, which, granted, at that distance was not clearly reflected. It was just like her life, she reflected. Always just a faint reflection of itself. This was all Jim's fault. (Shell Benson, Arlington) For as long as he could recall, Nikolai had been obsessed with the banjo. It was heavy and substantial, yet graceful -- ironically, not unlike a wood-and-metal, stringed version of the giant lollipops that had so tormented his dreams these past few weeks. (Rob Doherty, Alexandria) With the darkness absolute and the silence absoluter, Helen of deTROIt felt trapped. She felt like she was confined in a small crate, which she was, literally and metaphorically. The point is, this chick with the fiendishly clever name is stuck in a box, and she's got some things to say. You'll want to listen, trust me.(Mike Cozy, Silver Spring) It was a rainy and dark night and Wanda was ready to start a new life with her husband and their three loving children, Tyler, Gwen, McKenzie and Sasha . . . (Jeff Kern, Gaithersburg) A toe. Five toes, a foot. Three feet, a yard. Thirty yards, a neighborhood. A neighborhood where it would all happen. And it all depended on a single toe. A toe that held the fate of all mankind in its grasp, though its lack of opposable thumbs endangered everything. This toe was on the foot of the man who must win the marathon to save the world. (Eryk B. Nice, Ithaca, N.Y.) Her desire for him became enflamed as she imagined him possessing her totally, carrying her to new heights of erotic pleasure as her body responded by getting all heeby-jeeby. (Eryk B. Nice, Ithaca, N.Y.) Greg awoke from a fitful sleep to find that his hair had fallen out. Not the hair on his head . . . (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Bob sat transfixed by Elizabeth's beauty. Her tiny fondue- colored eyes, the way her hair curled around her neck like the tail of a pig, and her breath that always smelled of walnuts gave him an uncomfortable churning sensation deep in his stomach, as if he urgently had to go to the bathroom. "Is this love?" a little voice, the one that sounded like a fish, asked him, not really expecting a reply. (Bird Waring, New York) Once upon a time -- my, what a trite turn of phrase! It calls to mind those fanciful yet simplistic stories of old -- most often a thinly disguised morality tale that causes the reader to groan aloud in anticipation of yet another retread of a worn-out and obvious theme. Well, anyway, once upon a time . . . (Amy Corbett Storch, Washington) Frank Jolson was as fat as a cheetah is fast. That is to say, if you could come up with some kind of mathematical equation where you could compare speed and weight, like some sort of vector thingy, and you assume that it's not like an old or lame cheetah, then the speed of the cheetah and the weight of Frank Jolson would be pretty close, if not the same, which is to say very much. (Brian Barrett, Bethesda) ====================================================================== WEEK 480, published November 17, 2002 Week 480 CXLVII: In No Uncertain Terminations Telemarketer: "So, like, what are you wearing?" Panhandler: "No, I don't have spare change. But I need some. Have you any?" Person with mayoral petition: "Sure, let me put my John Hancock on it. Actually my name IS John Hancock, and believe it or not my signature is remarkably similar to . . ." This week's contest: Quick, no-nonsense ways to terminate annoying approaches. Choose an unwanted overture of any sort, as in those above, and come up with a way to stop it dead in its tracks. First-prize winner gets a 20-page lavishly illustrated travelogue, submitted by reader Helen Quinn, documenting the globe-hopping adventures of her Tea Boy mechanical tea-bag-dunking penguin, photographed in places like Malaysia, Vietnam and the Great Wall of China. No, we have no idea either, but there it is. It's nicer than most books, and far weirder. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought- after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 25. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. Report From Week CXLIII (476), which asked you to coin "portmanteau words" by combining two words that overlap by two letters or more: Fourth Runner-Up: Estrogeniality: The attribute that compels women to go to the restroom in pairs. (Joy Vizi, Sterling) Third Runner-Up: Euphemistress: One's "niece." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Second Runner-Up: Nazionist: One truly mixed-up SOB. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: Mulligangster: A hit man who is afforded a second shot when his first is not successful. (Mike Genz, La Plata) And the winner of the human head replica: Rhinoplasterisk: Indicates that a person's appearance on a "Most Beautiful" list may have been surgically assisted. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Honorable Mentions: Abracadabacus: What magic bean counters use. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Anapestimate: In auto repair, two small approximations followed by a much larger bill. (Michael Becraft, Reston) Apocryphaltruism: Overstating one's charitable deductions. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Arroganthology: The Gore Vidal reader. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) Baseballoon: A coach who has "put on a few pounds" since playing in the outfield. (Toby Gottfried, Santa Ana, Calif.) Bashcroft: The purpose of Washington Post articles about the attorney general. (Steve O'Rourke, Washington) Begetcetera: Multiple births. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Brassiereprimand: "Hey, my face is up here." (G.T. Bowman, Falls Church) Cicadaver: Deceased people who surface every four years or so, for a Chicago mayoral election. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Cirrhost: The bartender. (Ron Bottomly, Columbia) Coleslawsuit: Legal action taken without a shred of evidence. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Communiqueserasera: An unimportant message. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Conundrumbeat: Why are we going to war with Iraq again? (David E. Romm, Minneapolis) Courtshipwreck: A dating error so disastrous it ends a relationship. Example: Sleeping with her sister. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Daschlemiel: Senate Majority Wimp. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Defibrillatte: Really, really strong coffee. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) Dershowitzer: An expert in cannon law. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Dubyak: Not exactly the Gettysburg Address. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Ethiccup: A brief, involuntary suspension of one's moral principles. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Expresso: A strong coffee drink made with breast milk. (Bruce Evans, Washington) Foxymoron: A perfect 10 in looks and IQ. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Frigidiot: Those shirtless guys at January football games. (Jimmy LaCaria, Watertown, N.Y.) Genitaltruistic: A polite way of describing the promiscuous. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) Hemperor: A drug kingpin. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Humordure: Poopy jokes. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Impotentate: Saddam, before Viagra. (Paul Dudley, Ellicott City) Internetherworld: Where failed dot-coms go. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Jihades: Where suicide bombers go. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ketchupscale: Condiment made exclusively of tomahtoes. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Kimchihuahua: Asian food made with secret special ingredients. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Leotarp: Plus-size workout wear. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Liberalchemy: Tax plus spend equals happiness for all. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Malaproposition: "Hey, babe, want to preamble over to my place and copopulate?" (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Manureporter: A gossip columnist. (Leni Steiner, Baltimore) Monotontological: Relating to the dullness inherent in existence. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Moulin Rouget's Thesaurus: A compendium of related words about truth, beauty, freedom but, above all, love. (David E. Romm, Minneapolis) Mountaine'er-do-well: A hillbilly who makes Snuffy Smith seem like Laurence Olivier. (Sue MacDonald, Cincinnati) Muslimbaugh: Islam's really conservative branch. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Necromantic: When you slip a ring on your lover's hand, then sacrifice a chicken so she can rise again and dance joyously with you to celebrate your eternal life together. (Beth Baniszewski, Cambridge, Mass.) Orgasmithsonian: A museum of pornography. (John Holder, Rock Hill, S.C.) Palindromedary: The camelemac, a two-humped beast of burden. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Penultimatum: I'm going to tell you this only one more time after this . . . (Dot Yufer, Newton, W. Va.) Pestivate: To spend the summer sponging off relatives. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Prostituition: A whorrible way to pay for college. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Pseudonymphomaniac: Mrs. John Smith (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Punditto: Talking heads who keep agreeing with each other. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Serpentateuch: In which Genesis is retold from the point of view of the snake. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Shagrin: Regret regarding whom one has just awakened next to. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Slothello: A quick tempered Moor who, overcome with jealousy, wants to kill his wife, his friend and himself, but never gets around to it. (Jordy Keith and Adam Bauserman, Canon City, Colo.) Snydermatology: The controversial practice of removing unsightly blemishes on your Skins; sometimes does more damage than good. (Doug Burns, Falls Church) Subterraneanderthal: A subway groper. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Teatery: A Hooters restaurant. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Therapistemologist: One who asks, "How do you know that you know what you feel about that?" (Peter Carlton, Waldorf) Trepanache: The ability to keep your head when someone is trying to drill holes in it. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Vivacuous: Describing a cheerleader. (John R. Shea, Philadelphia) Zeppelingerie: Undergarments for the full-figured frau. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) ====================================================================== WEEK 481, published November 24, 2002 Week 481 CXLVIII: Homonymphomania Gasolean: A crouching posture assumed at the pumps during the sniper spree. Communicashun: The "I won't dignify that accusation with a response" tactic adopted by a politician who is guilty of wrongdoing. Camaroddery: Male bonding over guns. This week's contest was suggested by Carl Northrop of Washington. Carl suggests that you create a new homonym of any existing word, and define it, as in the examples above. Warning: The new word must be spelled in such a way that it is obviously pronounced identically to the original word. First-prize winner gets a genuine photocopy of "John Train's Most Remarkable Names," a most remarkable book of true aptonyms and other noms-de-silliness. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 2. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Jos. Romm of Washington. Report from Week 2 of Week CXLIV (477), in which you were to provide the opening lines to a very bad novel. As always, the line between very bad and very good sometimes blurs. And so no prize is awarded to Dennis McDermott of Hutchinson, Minn., who showed a few too many writerly moves with: Her silk blouse entered my office first, like a dead heat in a dirigible race . . . Third Runner-Up: Golde took a bite of her bagel. She chewed it slowly, and her husband could tell this was the precursor to some profound insight into the human condition. Swallowing, she leaned forward and said: "Pourquoi 'L'Affaire de la Famille' a-t-il un valet qui s'appelle French s'il n'est pas du tout franc{cedil}ais? Que c'est pretentieux, n'est-ce pas?" Her husband chuckled at the irony.(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Second Runner-Up: There were these five guys hanging around and then one guy said to another guy, "Hey, what're you doin'?" and another guy looked around and said, "Not much," but the first guy wasn't talking to that guy, so he had to re-ask the other guy -- the first guy he was actually talking to -- "Hey, what're you doin'?" but by this point that other, second, guy had become interested with the logo on some completely other guy's shirt, causing immense frustration on the part of the first guy. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) First Runner-Up: Dawn arrived like the dawn man dumping a load of fresh dawn on the front lawn. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of the "Maid in Manhattan" ostrich feather duster: The Kraut machine gun raked the bunker behind which Biff and the men hid. They were pinned down. The bullets whizzed by like projectiles shot from a gun. Each bullet carried death, but not if they missed, which they currently were doing. Biff was afraid that one of the bullets had his name on it, but he doubted that even the Germans were that anal-retentive to put individual names on bullets. Still, he kept his head down because it would have been ironic to be killed by a bullet with someone else's name on it. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Mr. Eddings waited at the corner for the streetlight to change, unaware that when his story was made into a major motion picture, this scene would be part of a later flashback, in which slow-motion cinematography from multiple angles accompanied by overly dramatic music would gradually reveal the complete stranger half a block away who was masterminding the kidnapping of his daughter. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) The motorcade with the president moved slowly down the street. Harold glanced up and saw the window open at the Texas School Book Depository. He pulled the Stinger missile system out of his duffel bag. He had not traveled back in time three decades unprepared. (Joseph Romm, Washington) As an erotic fiction writer, Felicia, with her small, perky breasts and ever-hard nipples, knew that any story could be saved by the inclusion of more titillating prose. Too bad there was no such quick fix for her own life, the author thought, her supple body stretched naked across the satin sheets of her bed, glistening with sweat from a just-finished workout to tone the compact muscles of her perfectly rounded buttocks. No, Fluffy was dead, the house about to be repossessed -- and no amount of boinking with well-endowed strangers was going to change that. (Sara Wright, New Haven, Conn.) Mary watched the train rumble off down the track, and as the powerful engine rushed into the gaping maw of the tunnel, she thought about her last night with Peter -- not so much because of the train/tunnel symbolism, for she and Peter shared the vegetable love noted in Marvel's "To His Coy Mistress," but because they had come to fierce words over the nature of symbolism itself, not that she didn't wish at times that Peter would simply shut up and get on track, so to speak. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) He stared at her the way an antiques appraiser would stare at a roomful of antique furniture, her hair a delicately crafted lamp, her legs an inviting love seat with a tacky floral design, and her chest a chest of drawers, which is funny because although her drawers weren't on her chest, he was interested in getting into them as well. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Joe settled into his favorite chair and started reading his newly purchased novel, which began, "Howard settled into his favorite chair and started reading his newly purchased novel, which began . . ." (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) He was the king of hearts, looking for a diamond in the rough, but alas, he had no aces up his sleeve. Some jack was giving him trouble tonight at the club downtown, but he knew how to handle this joker. Deal him out, call a spade a spade, and get on with the business of finding his queen. Though he wore a poker face, inside he was sure his luck would turn, the deck had to be stacked in his favor eventually, didn't it? (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt) The leggy blonde behind the desk spelled trouble with a capital T, not having her Word preferences set for autocaps, and unable to change the default. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Jack did not appreciate the gravity of the situation. He just didn't comprehend that every object exerts an attracting force of 6.6668 joules, independent of magnetic, strong and weak nuclear forces, and covalent bonds. He further didn't understand that the gravitational constant was not enough to counteract relativity (energy equals mass times the speed of light squared), and that, given the relative motion of him, and the bullet, (factoring in air resistance), he was (barring a space-time anomaly) about to be seriously hurt, or maybe killed. (Greg Krakower, New York) ====================================================================== WEEK 482, published December 1, 2002 Week 482 CXLIX: Inspect Our Gadgets What are these gadgets? What do they do? First-prize winner gets a vintage "I Love Lucy" clock and matching coffee mug. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 9. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week CXLV (478), in which you were asked to come up with statements that would summarize the mind-set of your typical college freshman in the year 2020. Good answers too popular to reward: Monica has always been a verb, not a name. Also: Music has always been free. Third Runner-Up: The U.S. Congress has always met in an undisclosed location. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: The rules of spelling and grammar have always been known only by the authors of word-processing software. (J.F. Martin, Naples, Fla.) First Runner-Up: The Humvee has always been the only vehicle to comfortably seat the American family of four. (Lori Washington, Washington) And the winner of the autographed Carl Kasell bobble-head doll: Ted Williams has always played all three outfield positions for the world champion Red Sox. (Tony Noerpel, Lovettsville) Honorable Mentions: There have always been a lot of terrific Iraqi restaurants in the D.C. area. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Cheap PCs, though quite functional, have always lacked a sense of humor. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) The No. 1 sitcom in America has always been "That Aughts Show." (Brian Barrett, Bethesda) Taxidermized birds and squirrels were always propped up in trees in suburban neighborhoods. (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt) Major newspapers have always included cross-species commitment announcements. (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) Facilidad en español siempre se ha requerido para la admision universitaria. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) The smallpox vaccine has always been available in chewing gum form. (K. Napolitano, Gaithersburg) A baseball cap worn backward will shade your eyes. (J.F. Martin, Naples, Fla.) Literacy is a parlor trick that old people know. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Tattoos are what your parents have. (Janet Millenson, Potomac) Second base has always been oral sex. (Joseph Romm, Washington) There has always been a Starbucks in the Sistine Chapel. (Lori Washington, Washington) Fifteen has always been too late to start your autobiography. (Lori Washington, Washington) Earrings have always come by the dozen. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) Parents have always threatened a visit from Katherine Harris to make their children behave. (Paul Dudley, Ellicott City) Imspeak = ok grmr (Miles Townes, Arlington) Israel has always been sealed in a transparent titanium dome. (Mark Young, Washington) Thinking naughty thoughts has always been a felony. (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) Huey Freeman of "Boondocks" has always been an Uncle Tom. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The phrase "Do you want to supersize that?" was coined by the hostess of the TV show "Primetime Porn." (Roy Ashley, Washington) "Jackass and Juliet," starring Johnny Knoxville, is the famous Shakespearean play in which Romeo commits suicide by riding a tricycle off a cliff. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Airline passengers flying coach have always been knocked unconscious at check-in, and stacked in the cargo hold like cordwood. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) "Y2K" has always been slang for a problem that takes 10 years to manifest. (Marc Liebert, New York) Dick Cheney has always had four hearts. (Marc Liebert, New York) In retrospect, it was always obvious that Larry King was a cyborg. (Marc Liebert, New York) The Orioles' stadium has always been Kentucky Fried Chicken Park at Camden Yards. (Jeff Evan, Millsboro, Del.) Football linemen never weighed less than 450 pounds. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wisc.) Affirmative action is a necessary evil; we can't allow white Americans to linger on as a permanent underclass. (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Noam Izenberg, Columbia) Bald eagles have always been natural residents of oil-drilling sites. (Eryk B. Nice, Ithaca, N.Y.) Chatting has never meant actual oral communication. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Power belching has always been an Olympic sport. (Brian Barrett, Bethesda) Jogging along the Beltway shoulder has always been a good way to travel if you are in a hurry. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) A prescription has always been needed to purchase coffee. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) The first Wednesday after the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November has always been the federal holiday Lawyers' Day. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Iraq's official language has always been Hebrew. (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) Microsoft's strategic nuclear doctrine has always been one of deterrence. (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) There has always been a war on terrorism, and we have always been winning. (Matthew Long, Washington) It is inconceivable that anyone could ever have gotten along without a personal satellite. (Matthew Long, Washington) Guns don't kill people; plasma-phasers kill people. (J.D. Berry, Springfield) Jerry Falwell has always been a gay activist. (Tony Noerpel, Lovettsville) The Style Invitational has always been on Page 1 of The Washington Post. (Mark Brackett, Washington) Next Week: Risky Businesses ====================================================================== WEEK 483, published December 8, 2002 Week 483 CL: Obitter Fate Malcolm X: Malcolm? Ex. Lawrence Welk: The Day the Muzak Died Greta Garbo: Alone at Last Jimmy Carter: Carter Achieves Peace Hugh Hefner: Publisher Gets Laid to Rest This Week's Contest was . . . received under seal (sent by entrant liking anonymity). Newspaper death notices, he points out, are too respectful and, well, bland; the headlines need some cool wordplay and other fun 'n' games. Give us an obit headline for some famous person, currently living or dead, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets one of the worst pieces of original art we've ever seen. It appears to depict a duck, or a duck decoy, on a table, or possibly a floor, staring at a lamp, or possibly an alien life form. The shadows suggest the existence of two suns. The signature reads "H.R. Greenstreet, 1965" and if this happens to be someone's beloved grandpappy, well, what can we say? Now he's famous. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 16. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week CXLVI (479), in which we asked you to come up with businesses in which it would be unwise to invest. Being famous for its delicacy and diplomacy, The Style Invitational is reluctant to criticize its readers, but we would like to gently inquire what maleficent combination of humor impairment, creative bankruptcy and intellectual dishonesty would impel someone to enter the already limp "Solar-Powered Flashlight Company" as his or her own? Fourth Runner-Up: Chef Pablo MacGregor's Lebanese-Italian Bistro. (Robert Doherty, Alexandria) Third Runner-Up: Old Growth Redwoods Post-It Note Corp. For those who will accept nothing less. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Second Runner-Up: John's Pizzarrhea (Jon Milstein, Vienna) First Runner-Up: Jiffy-Weld Can Resealers Inc. Did you open a can of beans and then decide you wanted something else instead? Bring it to any of our conveniently located outlets and we will reseal it with acetylene torches, good as new, at affordable prices. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) And the winner of the ceramic gorilla squatting on the Wall Street Journal: Baghdad Fine China and Glass Co. (John Cogburn, Southlake, Tex.) Honorable Mentions: www.wedon'thaveaproductorabusinessplanbutwedohavetheworstaddressontheinternet.com (Robert Doherty, Alexandria) Baby Mustache Inc.: For no-nonsense, self-stick instant gender identifiers. (Jan Goldstein, Silver Spring) Loosey Goosey Condoms: Comfort is our number one priority. (Jeffrey Hoyt, McLean) Editers R Us (Jeffrey Hoyt, McLean) Inacupuncture Associates (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Used Butt Once: Recycled toilet paper at discount prices. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) We Are Toys: Pedantic Playthings for the Precocious (Kevin Devine, Ashburnham, Mass.; Michael Fransella, Arlington) Sit & Spit Inc.: A chain of gourmet mouthwash cafes. (Kevin Devine, Ashburnham, Mass.) Preggos: A new alternative to Hooters. (Wayne Schiff, Whitehall, Pa.) Now THAT's What I Call Muzak Inc.: CDs featuring the best tunes from the nation's elevators. (Amy Corbett Storch, Washington) Hanukah in Baghdad Tours Inc. (Nick Yuran, Waynesboro, Pa.) Nanny-Priests Inc. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Airport Luggage Inspector Fantasy Camps Inc. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) DOS 2002 Inc. (Leigh Schneider, Weston Act, Australia) Lima Bean Coffee Co.: Succotash-flavored brew -- better than Postum! (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) Hooked on Macroeconomics (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) ADZ-FM: All Commercials All the Time (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Segway Inc. (Greg Krakower, New York) The Raw Bar-gain, Inc.: Sushi vending machines > (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Papier-Mache Plumbing Co. (Bruce Johnson, Washington) Su-Ni-Man: Trading card game featuring cute Sunni Islamic creatures with superpowers. (Greg Krakower, New York) No Small Miracle Inc.: Super-fast-growing bonsai trees. (Charles Chester, Marietta, Ga.) Paisley Palace: All things paisley. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) El Ar Airlines: Each plane has an Arab and an Israeli as co-pilots. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Complex Multiplex Inc.: Large, multi-screen theaters in malls showing only art and foreign films. (David Hanger, Clarksville; Martha Stallman, Houston) Duncan Hineys: Makers of nozzles for enemas and cake icers. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Pier Pressure: Like Pier 1, but with pushy salespeople. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) Al Kyda's Florist Shop, New York City. (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) John Daniel's Inc.: Makers of nonalcoholic whiskey. (Mark Young, Washington) Buddy Holly Airlines: "We'll fly in any weather." (Michael Ross, Alexandria) Three Mile Island Sleepaway Camp (Alice Babazadeh, Columbia) And Last: The Washington Post: Delivered to your doorstep, a friendly printed-out version. (Richard Conn Henry, Silver Spring) Next Week: Pitch Stops ====================================================================== WEEK 484, published December 15, 2002 Week CLI (484): Manufracturing If Nike made kitchen appliances, basketball would be a much slower game. This Week's Contest was suggested by Christopher L. Parkin of Washington, based upon the old Web jokes about what would happen if Microsoft designed cars ("They'd crash twice a day for no reason"; "With every new model, you'd have to learn to drive all over again, because the controls would be entirely different," etc.). Your challenge is to take any product and explain how it would be different if it were designed by a different existing company. First- prize winner gets a unopened, vintage 1963 package of 36 individual fluted cardboard "chef's party trays" for holding hot dogs. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought- after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 23. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CXLVII (480), in which you were asked to become The Terminator, and come up with responses to some unwanted advance that would stop the approach in its tracks. A T-shirt goes to John T. Durkin, who has developed a fine telemarketer protection shield: As soon as he ascertains the caller is trying to sell him something, John robustly breaks into song. Show tunes, usually. He favors "Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat" from "Guys and Dolls" because there is a high G in the second line "and that really echoes in the headsets." Usually this does the trick nicely. Once, he said, a telemarketer listened politely, applauded, and then went calmly into his spiel, at which point John segued into "I'm Henry the Eighth I Am." The guy finally hung up when John got to the line "Second verse, same as the first." Also, a T-shirt to Cecilia Albans of Leesburg, who shares the telemarketer shield used by her 15-year-old: "My mom can't come to the phone. She's in the shower. No, my dad can't come, either. He's in the shower with her." Third Runner-Up: Missionaries at the door: "Sorry, I'm just the burglar. Can you give me a hand with the VCR here?"(Brian C. Broadus, Charlottesville; Brendan O'Byrne, Regina, Saskatchewan) Second Runner-Up: Vacuum cleaner salesman: "Quick, get in here. The baby's coming out butt first, and I'm gonna need some help with the blood." (Robert Doherty, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: Telemarketer: "Correctly answer these questions three, and I will buy some thing from thee. One, what is the Latin name for the gauzy, ribbonlike larva of the east Asian eel?" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And the winner of the tea-bag-dunking-penguin travelogue: Prostitute: "Actually, I charge women a lot more than you're asking. Well, I guess it would be fair if you just pay me the difference." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: Political activist in the street: "Hey, I know you. You're the guy who killed my cat! I can't believe it! Right here in front of me, bold as brass, the guy who killed my cat! Hey, everybody, this is the guy who killed my cat!" (Bird Waring, New York) Telemarketer: "Please talk verr-ry slowww-ly, because I want to write down ev-er-ry word you say." (Shaina Stark, Darnestown) Door-to-door gutter cleaner: "Sure, and can you look for my pet black mamba when you are up there? He got away this morning." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Perfume spritzer at the mall: "Boy, am I glad to see you. Let me get my blouse off so you can target the precise source of the problem." (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Long-distance service telemarketer: "Sorry, I don't have a telephone." (Rebecca Nilson-Owens, Madison, Wis.; Richard Wong, Arlington) Sidewalk three-card monte dealer: "Can we just play for funsies?" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Adopt a Greyhound: "I don't know, they look a little tough and stringy to me." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Will you accept a collect call?": "Will you accept a blast from my air horn?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Telemarketer: "We're trying to teach little Susie to use the telephone, so I'm putting her on now." (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt) Panhandler: "Sure. Can you change a deutschmark?" (Mark Young, Washington) Insurance salesman: "If I commit suicide tomorrow, how quickly can my family collect?" (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Telemarketer: "Hi, we're the Smiths and we are hearing-impaired. Using the letters on the keypad, please spell out your message." (Judith Cottrill, New York) Girl Scout cookies: "I am sorry, but I am not allowed by law to come within 200 feet of a Girl Scout. Unless you would like to sign this waiver . . ." (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Prostitute: "Sure. Do you have change for a five?" (Kurt Riefner, Fairbanks, Alaska; Roy Ashley, Washington) Salesman at the door: "Good timing! We need another hostage." (Robert Doherty, Alexandria) Guy selling vinyl siding: "Vinyl siding killed my parents." (Robert Doherty, Alexandria) Panhandler: "Change? May I suggest your underwear, my good man?" (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.) Newspaper subscription caller: "Excellent. Does it come in Braille?" (Kurt Riefner, Fairbanks, Alaska) Next Week: Homonymbecility ====================================================================== WEEK 485, published December 22, 2002 Week CLII (485): Asterisky Business Dr. Smith: My son passed calculus* but he wasn't at all happy about it. Dr. Jones: Why not? Dr. Smith: It was the size of a pea! Dr. Jones: Hahahaha.(*In medicine, a calculus is a kidney stone.) Why did the recently crowned Miss Argentina blush? Because she was embarasada!* (*In Spanish,embarasada means pregnant.) What sort of headgear might a cartoon character wear if you wanted to show that he got a sudden, brilliant idea? An impulse turban!* (*In mechanics, an "impulse turbine" is a kind of electrical generator.) This Week's Contest: Write a joke with a punch line depending on knowledge so esoteric that it requires an asterisked explanation. The best entries will be the ones in which, once explained, the joke is actually pretty funny. First-prize winner gets a huge bra and panties, promotional materials from the dreadful movie "Big Momma's House." First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 30. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week CXLVIII (481), in which you were asked to create homophones of existing words and define them: Third Runner-Up: Jestation: That pregnant pause between joke and punch line. (Max Sudol, Richmond, Australia) Second Runner-Up: Masseuss: A Lorax who rubs your thorax. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: Amfibian: A frog who, after you kiss him, remains a frog. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) And the winner of the genuine photocopy of "John Train's Most Remarkable Names": Auntacid: Saliva on a tissue used to wipe your face. (Michael D. Levy, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: Suepersize: To expand the boundaries of your class action lawsuit. (Jerome Uher, New York) Siouxshi: Bison tartare. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Crockodial: Describing the lizardlike business of telemarketing. (Jane Freedman, Wellesley, Mass.; Kevin Bruns, Potomac) Pi-eyed: 3.1415962653 sheets to the wind. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Reapublican: Someone who is against government handouts, except for crop subsidies. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Prostitoot: A little beep to get her to look your way. (Kyle Bonney, Fairfax) Unaverse: Ted Kaczynski's cell. (Kyle Bonney, Fairfax) Schottenfreude: Taking malicious satisfaction in the misfortune of the employer who fired you. (Jim Parisi, Washington) Chow Maine: General Tso's Lobster. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Decolletaj: The world's most breathtaking sight. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Guynecology: The study of the female reproductive system via certain Web sites. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria) Porenography: Extreme close-ups on those same Web sites. (Nick Dierman, San Francisco) Phyllosophy: An argument so thin as to be nearly transparent. (Craig DuBose, Charlottesville) Pillgrimage: A junkie's perpetual quest. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Phallusy: The contention that size doesn't matter. (Joe Kobylski, Hyattsville) Wrapture: The feeling one gets when one has completed all Christmas shopping by Thanksgiving. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Fauxtographer: That nice man who wants to get you into modeling. (Paul Dudley, Ellicott City) Blisster: A symptom of an STD (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Footbawl: A Redskins game. (Bonnie Firestone, Annandale; Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Self-improvemeants: Broken New Year's resolutions. (Brian Barrett, Bethesda) Socratease: When you know the answer, but only give out hints. (Gregory Krakower, New York) Echoterrorist: Someone who maliciously repeats everything you say. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Queery: To ask the question that dares not speak its name. (Lindsey Durway, Austin) Coytus: A little late to be playing hard to get. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) Carma: When the Porsche that passed you at 85 mph on the Beltway gets pulled over by a state trooper. (Nick Dierman, San Francisco) Goobernatorial: Describing actions taken by the head of state of West Virginia. (Nick Dierman, San Francisco) Brewse: A contusion caused by falling down drunk. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Exequeuetion: Death row. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Peeanist: One who tinkles the ivories. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Lockleer: A come-Heather look. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Liverworst: The unkindest cold cut of all. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Costomb: A shroud. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Wryvalry: The Style Invitational. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Next Week: What-Do-They-Doodads ====================================================================== WEEK 486, published December 29, 2002 Week 486 CLIII: A Word From Our Co-Sponsors The Pearce-Franks-Pryor-Burns Act to require proper hot dog placement on rotisserie spits. Alexander, Alexander, Ballance, Barrett, Beauprez, Bell, Bishop, Bishop, Blackburn, Bonner, Bordallo, Bradley, Brown-Waite, Burgess, Burns, Cardoza, Carter, Chambliss, Chocola, Cole, Coleman, Cooper, Cornyn, Davis, Davis, Diaz-Balart, Dole, Emanuel, Feeney, Franks, Garrett, Gerlach, Gingrey, Graham, Grijalva, Harris, Hensarling, Janklow, King, Kline, Lautenberg, Majette, Marshall, McCotter, Meek, Michaud, Miller, Miller, Murphy, Musgrave, Nunes, Pearce, Porter, Pryor, Renzi, Rogers, Ruppersberger, Ryan, Sanchez, Scott, Sununu, Talent, Turner, Van Hollen. This Week's Contest: Above are the last names of the new members of Congress who will be taking their seats next month. Come up with bills they might sponsor, as in the example illustrated above. Each bill must have at least two sponsors. (Choose your words carefully; similar ideas will be judged based on the best explanation of the purpose of the bill.) First-prize winner gets a genuine vintage "Acquit Bernhard Goetz" T-shirt. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 6. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is byStephen Dudzik of Olney. Report from Week CXLIX (482), in which we asked what these gadgets are for: Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) The "spork" proved much more popular an invention than this short-lived "knoon." (Marc Leibert, New York) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) Silverware for "Gaff Your Own Seafood Night." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon F) A Don Rickles mask. This is a birth control device. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the winner of the vintage "I Love Lucy" clock and matching coffee mug: (Cartoon F) Ronco's new Bed Head, which talks to women after sex, so you don't have to. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: A yo-yo from the Neiman Marcus holiday catalogue. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Dental Chair Bowling was passed over as an Olympic sport because of the unwieldy ball return. (Daniel Helming, Maplewood, N.J.) A beach bunny lure. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cartoon C: Other companies may feature smaller units and cheaper plans, but the Matterhorn® Wireless definitely offers the most peak minutes. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Used only once, with disastrous results: the Sonny Bono Phone. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Ned Bent, Oak Hill) A Norwegian car phone. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) That final slide into technological oblivion. (Pete Hughes, Alexandria) Cartoon D: Some cell phone companies are trying desperate design modifications to reduce "roaming" charges. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Stephen Fahey, Kensington; Charlene Talcott, Williamsburg) Early prototype of a mobile phone. (Bruce Johnson, Annapolis) Cartoon E: IRS agent uses latest technology to try to get blood out of a stone. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cartoon F: For when you don't want to get out of bed to go to the head. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It never fails. You sleep with a guy, and then he starts playing head games. (Paul Dudley, Ellicott City) Cartoon G: Countless inferior designs preceded the invention of the colostomy bag. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Nancy Marmorella, Charles Town, W.Va.) In France, instead of Beer Man, there is Bouillabaisse Man. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Pay-per-hand-wash, so they can now charge for absolutely everything at sporting events. (Beth Davidson, St. Louis) Next Week: The Grin Reaper ====================================================================== WEEK 487, published January 5, 2003 Week 487 CLIV: Eee! Rotica She closed her eyes, saw his dark-treacle-coffee eyes gazing down at her. Weirdly he was clad in pinstripes at the same time as being naked. ("Tread Softly" by Wendy Perriam) The rising and falling of the train did all the work, but not more. ("White Mice" by Nicholas Blincoe) "The forces of socialism are so much greater than the forces of imperialism. Oh, Chairman Mao!" ("Wild Ginger" by Anchee Min) This Week's Contest was suggested by John O'Byrne of Dublin. The dreadful writings above are winners of the world's least coveted literary award. The Bad Sex in Fiction Prize is awarded annually by the prestigious British monthly magazine Literary Review, to the writer of a passage in a novel that ineptly describes hanky-panky. Your job is to come up with something worse. Fifty words max. Only printable entries, please. First-prize winner gets a state-of-the-art handbag that looks like, and smells like, a chewed wad of bubble gum. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 13. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CXLX (483), in which we asked you to come up with tasteless but funny obituary headlines for celebrities, currently living or dead. Good entries too popular to reward with prizes: Bush Planted; Gore Gets Stiffer; Gore Gets Less Stiff; Spurrier Passes Away; Col. Sanders Kicks the Bucket. One of our favorites likewise gets no prize because we stipulated these had to be real people: "Wilbur the Pig Dies; Wurst Case Scenario Feared" (Tom Greening, North Bethesda) One important note: The Style Invitational is prepared three days in advance; if any of the living people below happened to have died in the last three days, we are very, very, dreadfully sorry. Fourth Runner-Up: Frank Perdue Gets to the Other Side (Larry Kessner, Bethesda) Third Runner-Up: Jacques Chirac Croaks (Adam Stasio, Falls Church; Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Second Runner-Up: [Prince symbol with X's for eyes] (John Mewshaw, Laurel) First Runner-Up: Tiger Woods at Six Under (Michael Colton, Silver Spring) And the winner of the fabulously bad painting of a duck or ducklike item: Mike Myers, 'Wayne's World' Star, Survives Cancer Scare -- Not! (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: Melvil Dewey Biography Moved from 025.3 (Libraries; Organization) to 973.9 (History: United States: 1901-2000)(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Colin Montgomerie Lost by a Stroke(Joe Kobylski, Gaithersburg) Lee Iacocca Recalled by Maker(Gary Michaels, Potomac; Joe Kobylski, Gaithersburg) The Other Shoe Drops for Nikita Khruschev(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Rodney Dangerfield Dies; No One Expected at His Funeral (Frank Balz, Silver Spring) George W. Bush Deceasifies(Mark D. Alves, Arlington) Peter Mark Roget Dies, Expires, Succumbs, Departs, Perishes, Passes(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.; G.T. Bowman, Falls Church; Charlie Cordova, Reston) Paul Prudhomme: Stick a Fork in Him, He's Done (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Janice Simmons, Alexandria) Artist Formerly Known as Artist Formerly Known as Prince Now Former Artist Formerly Known as Artist Formerly Known as Prince (Mike Horn-Mitchem, Hillsborough, N.J.) Clinton Doesn't Inhale(Katherine Walkden, New York; Jonathan Alen Marks, Alexandria) Woody Allen Dies; Soon Yi Too Shall Pass(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Nixon Lies in State(Sara Ulyanova, San Pedro Sula, Honduras) Johnnie Cochran Plays the Death Card(Roy Ashley, Washington) Sophia Loren Dropped Dead Gorgeous(Mariann Simms, Wetumpka, Ala.) Paul von Hindenburg: Death Creates Fuhrer(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Yogi Berra Wakes Up Dead(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Yogi Berra: It's Over (Andrew Green, Chevy Chase; Roger Berg, Waynesboro, Pa.) God Bids One No (Donald) Trump(Greg Arnold, Herndon) Chuck Smith, Famed Humorist, Poops Out(Diane Standiford, Great Falls; Roy Burrows, Nokesville, Va.) Autopsy Confirms Death of Keith Richards(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Edward Gibbon Is History(Eve Tushnet, Washington) Sahl Mort (Lindsay Durway, Austin) Meat Loaf Goes Cold(Andrew W. Hoenig, Rockville) VA_ _A _HI_E DEAD A_ A MA_ _EREL(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Madalyn Murray O'Hair Accepted Into Loving Arms of No One in Particular(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Theodore 'Dr. Seuss' Geisel: Ted Is Dead.(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Illness, Old Age Conspire to Kill Oliver Stone(Mike Genz, La Plata) Chevy Chase Is Dead and You're Not(Joseph Romm, Washington) Thousands Regret Wuerffel's Passing; Funeral Arrangements Incomplete (Michael Pablo, Alexandria; Howard Walderman, Columbia) Geraldo Rivera Dies; Fox Announces Opening of New Bureau in Hell(Greg Pearson, Arlington) Conrad Hilton Checks Out(Sara Ulyanova, San Pedro Sula, Honduras) Daed Si Luap(Brendan Graves, Cheverly) Pow! Bang! Zap! Thud.Adam West Dies. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Ella Fitzgerald: It Must Be Memorex(Margie Kwart, Fairfax) A-Tisket, A-Tasket, Ella's Right Inside This Casket(Zachariah Love, Los Angeles) Martha Stewart Pushes Up Tasteful Arrangement of Daisies(Jon Devine, Arlington) Ed McMahon's Relatives May Have Already Inherited TEN MILLION DOLLARS!(William Jimenez and Ruth Auerbach, College Park) Isaac Newton's Body at Rest, Will Tend to Stay at Rest(Stephen Dudzik, Olney) N.Y. to Ford: You First(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Now Mick Jagger Can Get Some Putrefaction (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Roger Ebert: 10 Toes Up(Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) Bill Clinton Is Not Is(Bob Wallace, Reston) Kevin Bacon Mourned by Widow's Brother's Co-worker's Neighbor's Friend's Son(Brendan O'Byrne, Regina, Saskatchewan) Oprah Winfrey: She Went, Girl!(Jackie Alexandrow, Springfield) Wouldn't 'Dave Barry Is Toast' Be a Great Name for a Rock Band?(Toby Gottfried, Santa Ana, Calif.) Jean-Paul Sartre Finds Exit(Doug Pinkham, Oakton) Noted Philosopher Rene Descartes Is No More as Doctors Confirm Cessation of Brain Activity(Craig DuBose, Charlottesville) Dolly Parton Dies; Ta-Ta, Ta-Tas(Bruce MacKechnie, Annandale) John Sotheby: Going, Going, Gone(Michael Levy, Silver Spring) ====================================================================== WEEK 488, published January 12, 2003 Week 488 CLV: No Rest for the Query "What do you send a sick florist?" -- Henny Youngman "Has any turtle ever outlived the shaker of turtle food?" -- Jerry Seinfeld "How come it's a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put in your two cents' worth? Somebody's making a penny!" -- Steven Wright "When you mix flour and water together, you get glue. And when you add sugar and eggs, you get a cake. Where does the glue go?" -- Rita Rudner "Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?" -- Dave Edison The last few contests got enormous numbers of entries, so for This Week's Contest we thought we'd slow things down with something really hard. Your challenge: Come up with a vexing, funny question about life, like the excellent ones above. Only original questions, please -- spare us the parkway-driveway conundrum or ruminations on why there is no other word for "thesaurus." First-prize winner gets a second bubblegum-wad purse. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 20. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CLI (484), in which you were asked to tell us what would happen if an existing company ran a different business: Second Runner-Up: If Apple Computer ran a dating service, only members of the same family would come up as compatible. (Brian Barrett, Bethesda) First Runner-Up: If Fox News ran the Redskins, every play would be "slant right." (Sara Ulyanova, San Pedro Sula, Honduras) And the winner of the vintage 1963 cardboard hot dog trays: If Greyhound ran a psychiatric clinic, it would charge more for extra baggage. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Honorable Mentions: If Citibank designed computers, whenever you were in a rush there would be only one window open. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) If General Dynamics or some other Pentagon contractor ran Starbucks, a grande skim latte would cost, well, about what it costs now. Maybe a little less.(Lee M. Goodwin, Washington) If Kate Spade made gardening tools, teenage girls would be, like, sooo into troweling. (Brian Barrett, Bethesda) If NPR made roller coasters, it would be hard to tell an amusement park from a Metro stop.(Brian Barrett, Bethesda) If Johnson & Johnson made wedding cakes, there'd be no more tiers.(Allison Wetterhahn, Silver Spring) If E! Entertainment TV designed swimming pools, there would be no deep end. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) If Reebok grew rice, at least the sweatshop employees could eat.(Marc Leibert, New York) If PepsiCo created laxatives, the Pepsi Challenge would become a reality TV show. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) If Ben & Jerry designed fighter jets, the F-14 would have a catchier name, something like "Bomb-y Weather."(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) If Chevrolet made boats, it would change the "Like a Rock" campaign.(Milo Sauer, Fairfax) If the Washington Blade made mints, they'd be "bi-curiously strong." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) If 3M made chocolate candy, it'd call it M&M&M's.(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) If Tommy Hilfiger ran a hospital maternity wing, all birth certificates would be submitted as "Tommy Hilfiger."(David E. Romm, Minneapolis) If the Washington Redskins made cars, they wouldn't run.(Robert Doherty, Alexandria) If Wonder Bread made Wonderbras, they would be really tasteless.(Maja Keech, New Carrollton) If Jim Beam made Viagra, a fella could simply pour himself a stiff one.(Dennis Millner, Manassas) If the makers of Kaopectate made pantyhose, there would be no problem with runs. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) If Corning Glass made luggage, airport security would still miss the Uzi in your carry-on.(Chris Doyle, Forsyth Mo.) If Amtrak made diaphragms, a lot of women would be late.(Vanessa Winans, Toledo, Ohio) If Suzuki made 401(k) plans, they would be easier to roll over.(Martin Schulman, Herndon) If Yugo maintained Metro's escalators, you wouldn't notice the difference.(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) If Larry David's production company published Shakespeare, his plays would be renamed "Much Ado About Nothing" and "Much More Ado About Nothing" and "Nothing -- What's That All About, Anyway?"(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) If AOL made Viagra, women would have to deal with even more of those annoying pop-ups. (Pai Rosenthal, Sterling) If Starbucks made bras, a 32A would be called a "grande." And you'd be paying a lot more for each cup.(Jason Meyers, Charlottesville) Next Week: Asterisk You Take ====================================================================== WEEK 489, published January 19, 2003 Week 489 CLVI: Combo, First Blood Michael Jackson of Sam: His neighbor's dog told him to dangle that kid. Dirty Harry Potter: "Go ahead, Draco. Make my fortnight." Larry David Thoreau: Enjoys spending time alone, contemplating absolutely nothing of importance. James Joyce Kilmer: "I think that I shall never see / A poem lovely as a thwotty pie freakfog moocow." This Week's Contest was suggested by Brendan O'Byrne of Regina, Saskatchewan. Combine two people (past, present, real, fictional) whose names contain a common element, as in the examples above. Then, either describe the person, or provide a quote he or she might have uttered. First-prize winner gets a sugar-cookie-scented Eggbutt Horseball, an equine entertainment device donated to the Style Invitational by Mark Carson of Rockville. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 27. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Jos. Romm of Washington and Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CLII (485), in which you were invited to tell jokes so esoteric they require an asterisked explanation. Many good entries failed because the required information was not esoteric enough, as in: "What do you call the cases in an Italian small claims court? Tortellini." It is funny, however, and was submitted by the appropriately named "Robert Lafsky." Second Runner-Up: Producer: What could we do to make "The Terminator" move so fast that the background would appear distorted? Director: I'd judder to sync.* *In moviemaking, "judder" is an instability introduced when images sampled at one frame rate are converted to a different frame rate for viewing. This out-of-sync effect is most noticeable when frames are repeated or deleted in order to obtain slow motion or fast motion. If the judder is placed in careful sync, it can create interesting visual effects, including rapid motion.(J.D. Berry, Springfield) First Runner-Up: An American tourist in Italy is constipated for a week, but when he arrives in Florence, the water is better and his condition goes away. "With Firenze* like this," he said, "who needs enemas?" Firenze is the Italian word for Florence. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) And the winner of the huge promotional bra and panties: George Bush: Who's* on first? Ariel Sharon: Me?* George Bush: No, the guy on first base. Ariel Sharon: Me? George Bush: You are on first? Ariel Sharon: No, I'm asking you. Me? George Bush: Who? Ariel Sharon: Wait, you mean that fellow over there? George Bush: So he* is on first? Ariel Sharon: What are you talking about? There are no girls on this team. George Bush: So who's on first? Ariel Sharon: Me? *In Hebrew, the word meaning "who" is pronounced "me"; the word for "he" is pronounced "who"; and the word for "she" is pronounced "he." (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Honorable Mentions: Physicist 1: What's new? Physicist 2: E/h* *In physics, photon energy (E) divided by Planck's constant (h), is the frequency, expressed as the Greek letter nu. (Tim Livengood, Greenbelt) I teach ecclesiastical Latin, but speak no Hindi. My husband speaks neither language. Recently we went to New Delhi for an international church convention of Latin instructors. At dinner, naturally, all the teachers spoke the only language we had in common. At one point, my husband found himself baffled by a dish he had just eaten, uncertain about the identity of a main ingredient. "Perhaps the waiter will know," I said, and asked my Indian host to summon the waiter and see. He did, inquiring in Hindi whether the waiter knew the ingredient. The waiter nodded and began to answer. Our Indian host turned to me and said, "He knows!" But before I could translate the Latin for my husband, he turned pale, put his hand over his mouth, and ran from the table. Imagine my embarrassment! In ecclesiastical Latin, "he knows" is scit, and the "c" is pronounced "sh." (Dennis McDermott, Hutchinson, Minn.) Q: Why did Tonto* punch the Lone Ranger? A: He finally learned Spanish. *In Spanish, tonto means "stupid." (Kathy Larkin, Madrid) A young American woman is touring Germany. She is walking down a street when a sleazy guy jumps out of an alley and opens his raincoat. "Ewww," she shrieks. "That's gross."* "Danke schoen," he says. *In German, gross means large, or great. (Dan Campbell, Alexandria) Why did the chromosome blush when the DNA polymerase* came into the room? He caught her with her genes unzipped! *DNA polymerase causes the double helix of the chromosome to "unzip" so the gene can be replicated. (Mohamed Alosh, Bethesda) Q: If Pee-wee Herman composed an opera, which one would he compose? A: "Tales of Hoffman"* *"Tales of Hoffman" was composed by Jacques Offenbach (Arthur Litoff, York Springs, Pa.) Ted: I bought the old Fillmore place. Red: I heard the yard was infested with 602 sextillion gophers! Ted: Nah, it's just a mole.* *A "mole" of anything is a quantity equal to Avogadro's number, 6.02 x 10{+2}{+3}, or 602 sextillion. (David A. Sparrow, Springfield) President Bush remembered how silly he felt the time he pronounced the name of North Korea's leader as "Kim Jong the Second." When Dubya learned that South Korea had recently held new elections, he wanted to try not to be embarrassed again. So he asked Colin Powell to brief him. Powell said, "What part of Roh* don't you understand? Mr. Roh's name is pronounced "no." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Why da heck is a convention of dendrochronologists* such a hoot, anyways? Because it's like a tree-ring circus! *Dendrochronologists date events by studying growth rings in trees. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) How did the chemist know his wife had lead poisoning? Because she was acting plumb* crazy! *Plumb comes from the Latin word for lead. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Cynthia: Will we be seeing "The Circus"* at the Louvre? Warren: I don't know. Que sera sera.* Cynthia: You make a very good point!* Cynthia and Warren: Hahahaha! *"The Circus" is a painting by the pointillist Georges Seurat, whose name is pronounced "sera." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Why did the incest-minded poet kill himself? He'd rather be caught dead than atop sis.* "Thanatopsis" is a famous poem about death. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) So the client says, "You idiot! I asked for java* and you give me cocoa.* To which the server responds, "How do you like them Apples!"* *Cocoa is a programming language for Apple Computer's new OS operating system. Java is a cross-platform programming language that can be run on a server. (Patrick Sheehan, Silver Spring) What Hemingway novel brought joy to patients with bowel incontinence? "A Farewell to ARMs!"* *An ARM is a test of anal rectal motility, using balloons. It is uncomfortable. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Why did the rude man lose his lawsuit over the broken contract? The judge found he was lacking in consideration.* In law, consideration is what one party offers as his part of the contract. If there is no consideration, the contract cannot be enforced. (Mike Genz, LaPlata) Did you hear about the incompetent Hawaiian vulcanologist? He didn't know his a'a's* from a hole in the ground! *A'a's are a type of lava found in Hawaii. (Richard Conn Henry, Baltimore) Why was the cirrhosis patient unable to footnote his Week CLII entry properly? He had asterixis.* *In medicine, asterixis is a condition in which the hands have a flapping tremor. It is often associated with metabolic irregularities seen in liver or lung failure. (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) ====================================================================== WEEK 490, published January 26, 2003 Week CLVII (490): Eyes on Reprise If McDonald's made brassieres, they wouldn't have to change their logo. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) If Anheuser-Busch made Viagra, we'd know wassup.(Bob Dalton, Arlington) If ExxonMobil made wine, George Bush would be ready to invade France. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) This Week's Contest was inspired by the above excellent entries to a recent contest. They would have been published, except they were discovered too late -- on a couch, under The Czar's dog. This tells us it is time once again for an afterthought contest: You may submit any good entries you might have thought of, for any previous contest, after the deadline passed. Kindly do not re-submit entries. If we thought they sucked the first time, you'll do no better the second. First-prize winner gets a cellophane-wrapped slice of Trent Lott[reg] pure white bread, a very amusing novelty item. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners- up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 3. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CLIII (486), in which we asked you to come up with acts, bills, or resolutions to be sponsored by any of the new members of Congress. Many, many entrants proffered some variant of the "Murphy-Brown-Waite" act promoting the traditional nuclear family. Fifth Runner-Up: Bishop-Scott-Cole bill, enumerating the contents of the clergy's stocking-stuffers in 2002. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Fourth Runner-Up: Bell-Graham-Alexander Act limiting the ability to reverse the charges on phone calls. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Third Runner-Up: Miller-Miller-Dole act to provide every hungry person in America with two beers and a pineapple. (Ellen Perlman, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Bishop-Rogers-King act to introduce more outre ways to mate in chess. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) First-Runner-Up: Turner-Ruppersberger-King Act, putting pictures of missing children on fast-food wrappers. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) And the winner of the "Acquit Bernhard Goetz" T-shirt: The Cole-Porter-Musgrave-Turner Act awarding Eminem a Medal of Freedom for his contribution to the field of music. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Honorable Mentions: Pryor-Harris-Feeney Act requiring James Traficant to lose the toupee when entering prison. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The Ballance-Gerlach equal opportunity for women act. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Van Hollen-Bishop act to promote the purchase of entry-level popemobiles. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Alexander-Grijalva-Bell Act requiring greater clarity in cellular phones. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Bell-Pryor-Bishop Act, mandating that clergy wear cat-bells so you can hear them coming. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Feeney-Gerlach-Gingrey-Porter Act providing KFC to the Capitol press gallery. (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Cardoza-Bell Act requiring that automakers install an alarm for when the forehead hits the steering wheel. (Mitch Mularz, Aberdeen, Wash; Kala Ladenheim, Washington) Coleman-Burns-Marshall-Miller-Graham act banning the use of camp stoves to prepare s'mores. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Ruppersberger-Gingrey-Turner Act, requiring refunds for inedible fast foods. (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Sununu-Nunes palindrome improvement act. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church; Michael F. Duffy, Washington) Majette-Burns-Cole Act encouraging the use of alternative aircraft fuel. (Mike Hammer, Arlington) The Meek-Gerlach-Cole-Miller-Pryor- Barret Act, to impose civil penalties on brewers if virginity is lost due to lowered inhibitions caused by ingestion of their product. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Cooper-Ruppersberger-King act mandating delivery of fast food to shut-ins. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Bishop-Cornyn-Meek Act denouncing child abuse by priests. (Ned Bent, Herndon) Bishop-Murphy Law acknowledging that anything that can go wrong with the Catholic church already has. (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Md.) The King-Chocola resolution in support of the erstwhile count's military coup. (Sarah Elan, Baltimore) Ryan-King Act: Hakuna matata! Even Tlent Rott wouldn't touch this bill! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Cole-Coleman-Meek-McCotter-Sununu "No Stutterer Left Behind" bill. (Brendan Bassett, Columbia) Cole-Porter "Anything Goes Night and Day" Act to authorize additional dictatorial power to combat terrorism. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Sununu-Nunu? Act for reducing our national impatience, immediately. (Jeffrey Dvorkin, Chevy Chase) Bordallo-Gerlach-King-Talent act requiring more skilled prostitutes in brothels. (Mike Duffy, Washington) Musgrave-Pryor-Nunes act requiring all interments before midday at Arlington National Cemetery. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Cole-Porter-Scott-Talent bill to waste time by pointing out the bleedingly obvious. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Alexander-Alexander-Bishop-Bishop- Davis-Davis-Miller-Miller bill to research the cause of echoes in the halls of Congress. (Beth Benson, Lanham) Garrett-Chocola Act to study cereal stranglers. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Cole-Gerlach-Coleman act to promote Alaskan marriages. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Gingrey-Rogers act to prohibit dancing backward in high heels. (Ellen Perlman, Washington; Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) The Davis-Davis-Diaz-Balart-Meek- Brown-Waite act to clarify the confusion in the currently accepted method of identification of bill authors which does not acknowledge hyphenated surnames. The bill will mandate a parenthetical explanation after every use of the dash or hyphen when identifying the authors of all bills, as in the example of the extant bill, the Davis (dash) Davis (dash) Diaz (hyphen) Balart (dash) Meek (dash) Brown (hyphen) Waite Bill. (Bill Moulden, Frederick) Alexander-Graham-Sanchez bill saluting the founder of Taco Bell. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Alexander-Chocola-Bell resolution recognizing the real inventor of the Hershey's Kiss. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Bordallo-Chambliss bill prohibiting prostitutes to fake orgasms. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Don Richardson, Haymarket, Va.) Rogers-Bordallo bill to develop Mister Rogers' Neighborhood into a red-light district. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Franks-Hensarling-King bill authorizing Perdue chickens to surf the Web. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The Meek-Talent act, honoring those who achieve honorable mentions in the Style Invitational. (David Salzman, Chevy Chase) ====================================================================== WEEK 491, published February 2, 2003 Week CLVIII (491): Hirschfeld Follies This Week's Contest was suggested by Bob Staake in memory of Al Hirschfeld, the brilliant caricaturist who died two weeks ago. Bob knew and admired Al, and in his honor has drawn us four Hirschfeld-type caricatures. Alas, Bob is nowhere near as good an artist as Al, and these drawings look nothing like the celebrities they are supposed to be. Your challenge is to try to figure out which celebrities Bob is ineptly trying to draw. (Maybe what they are doing will help.) Explain your entries. First-prize winner gets a figurine of Jesus Christ playing ice hockey with two kids. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, April 1. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CLIV (487), in which you were asked to write lines from a very, very bad sex scene in a novel. A special Blind T-Shirt award to Stephen Dudzik of Olney, for an entry that would have won first prize, had we printed it immediately prior to filing for unemployment insurance. Third Runner-Up: Matt and Veronica melted into a jumble of hands, arms, backs and prosthetic devices. (Bobby Welsh, Annandale) Second Runner-Up: "Oh, Chad, Chad, rip my bodice!" implored the middle-aged librarian who had let down her bun and removed her glasses. (Roy Ashley, Washington) First Runner-Up: They glanced out the window to see the surf crashing against the shore, as the train entered the tunnel. As it emerged on the other side, they spied a nearby volcano erupting . . . (Toby Hansen, Lyndhurst, Ohio) And the winner of the handbag that looks and smells like chewed bubble gum: Quivering with desire, Bea Arthur removed Tommy Lasorda's shirt . . .(Marc Leibert, New York) Honorable Mentions: Lisa felt the Earth move. It started at 1.5 on the Richter scale, but rose in waves to a 7.3, equivalent in size to the 1989 Bay Area quake. Aftershocks ranged from 3.1 to 5.4. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) To Samantha, his slow, steady rhythm was like the gentle rocking of a boat, except in this case she did not have to lean over the side to vomit. (Sam Bruce, Williamsburg) They writhed like rutting amoebas, formless and wild, though maybe not exactly like amoebas, which don't actually rut, but reproduce asexually. Perhaps it was more like the common water flea, Daphnia purex. Either way, there were probably germs involved. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls; Noah Meyerson, Washington) She moaned. It was a low, yearnful moan. Not a moan that Chomsky would describe as a dental fricative, but more as an alveolar nasal followed by a velar stop. (Toby Hansen, Lyndhurst, Ohio) She was like a wonderful drug that he did not have to frantically try to flush down the toilet while the DEA pounded on his door. (Sam Bruce, Williamsburg) Clem led the way to the haystack, and soon Bobbie Sue forgot all about that half-eaten possum-and-tomato sandwich . . . (Roy Ashley, Washington) She gazed upward with the avid, impudent glare of a Keynesian at budget time. Despite myself, I felt my surplus growing. She cried out, "Yes, yes, oh, spend it, spend it all!" (George Gowen, Austin) Wrapping his arms around her, he gently stroked her face . . . (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Celeste majored in astronomy, Rock in geology. Each night in the park they studied assiduously, he the earth and she the sky, until in an intense interdisciplinary explosion, Celeste felt the earth move and Rock saw stars. (Tom Greening, North Bethesda) Her womanhood throbbed. His manhood throbbed. Oh, the throbbing. Then her bosom joined in and began throbbing. It spread upward until their eyeballs started throbbing . . . (Max Sudol, Richmond, Australia) On Thursday, Aug. 27, between 9:42 and 9:58 p.m., Janice and Carl Burgess copulated for the 62nd time in their 28-year marriage. The results were satisfactory. (Brian Barrett, Bethesda) Richard said nothing as he ate his cherry doughnut. Fallopia continued to eat her hot dog as she perused his collection of Georgia O'Keeffe paintings. (Toby Hansen, Lyndhurst, Ohio) He touched her there, and gently manipulated her, the way one adjusts the power side-view mirrors in a rental car one is unfamiliar with. (Toby Hansen, Lyndhurst, Ohio) Their lips fastened like a magnet to a refrigerator, except they were wet, and slurping, and there was not a child's drawing stuck between them, though that probably would not have slowed them much. (Toby Hansen, Lyndhurst, Ohio) ====================================================================== WEEK 492, published February 9, 2003 Week CLIX (492): Cheap Tricks Next time you have your sewer line snaked, save the clog. It makes an excellent toupee. Put four slices of hard salami on buttered bread, refrigerate overnight. Next day, remove the salami and enjoy a "smell only" sandwich. Repeat for five more days. On the seventh day, the salami is yours! This Week's Contest was suggested by Brendan O'Byrne of Regina, Saskatchewan. Come up with extreme cost-conserving measures for these difficult economic times, as in the bread example above, which won a Florida newspaper contest. The more miserly the better. First-prize winner gets a promotional sample of Kosher Pet Food ("Approved by Top Breeders, Not to Mention the Almighty"). It is endorsed by the Chicago Rabbinical Council. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 17. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CLV (488), in which we asked you to come up with creative new questions about life. We thought this would be hard, and were surprised and delighted to find ourselves inundated with entries -- more than 5,000, total. Alas, what we naively thought might be a spasm of creativity turned out to be a spasm of soulless larceny. Why do people build their houses outdoors? How do they stick the Teflon to the pan? When the snow melts, where does the white go? Why is there Braille on drive-up ATMs? How can anything be new and improved? Note to those Steal Invitationalists: If your entry contained more than one such chestnut, we roasted the entire list on an open fire. Fifth Runner-Up: Why can't you pick your friend's nose?(Michael Levy, Silver Spring) Fourth Runner-Up: If the Chinese revere old age so much, why is it that if you're past your sixties you won't find your birthday on those Chinese restaurant place mats? (J.F. Martin, Naples, Fla.) Third Runner-Up: If time travel is impossible, how did I know this would win third runner-up? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: Why is an older woman younger than an old woman? (Gail Gottlieb, Takoma Park) First Runner-Up: Why is there a picture of a baby on the package of toilet paper, when a baby is the only person who doesn't use it? (Debbie Johnson, Montgomery Village) And the winner of the second bubblegum-wad-looking purse: Why should I question authority? (John T. Durkin, Ardmore, Pa.) Honorable Mentions: If you multiply two even numbers you get an even number, and if you multiply an odd and an even, you get an even number. The only way to get an odd number is to multiply two odds. So why aren't there more even than odd numbers? (Jeanne Mussig, Herndon) Why is it that foreigners in the movies can master complex sentences in English but revert to their native language for the simplest words, as in: "Si, sen or, I can help you escape from the corrupt police. Just pay me $500, por favor." (Teri Chism, Winchester) If toast always falls with the butter side down, if you don't butter it, will it spin wildly and land on its edge? And if you butter both sides, will it explode? (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Why don't they call it a teethbrush? (Michael Landauer, Bethesda) Why does anyone ever say "Needless to say"? (Michael Patterson, Alexandria) Why doesn't "umlaut" have one? (John Karwoski, Pottstown, Pa.) Where do you write a reminder to yourself that you need more Post-it notes? (Michael Clem, McLean) Before they made sliced bread, what was the best thing? (Mariann Simms, Wetumpka, Ala.) Why is it that sex is used to sell everything except beds and mattresses? (Elizabeth Andros Gaston, Ligonier, Pa.) Did the guy who invented patents have to get a patent? (Mariann Simms, Wetumpka, Ala.) What happens to rice cakes when they pass their expiration date? (Brigid Cleary Davis, Camp Springs) Shouldn't Chap Stick be called Anti-Chap Stick? (Adina S. Wadsworth, Washington) How do you punish masochists? (Adina S. Wadsworth, Washington) What is is? (W.J. Clinton, New York) (Brad Suter, Charlottesville; Mark Lynner, Sterling) What would a toilet look like if our knees bent in the other direction? (Gordon Labow, Glenelg) Why were the Three Musketeers always fighting with swords? Did they lose their muskets? (Mark Lynner, Sterling) If the Flash can run faster than light, why does he keep his costume folded up inside his signet ring, instead of just running home and changing? (Doug Palmer's 13-year-old daughter, Annapolis) Why is "phonetic" spelled with a p? (Tom Fonner, Montclair) Who coined the phrase "to coin a phrase"? (Brendan J. O'Byrne, Regina, Saskatchewan) Why did they name Ramses condoms after the pharaoh who fathered 100 children? (Brendan J. O'Byrne, Regina, Saskatchewan) If we have a pair of pants and a pair of scissors, why don't we have a pair of bras? (Kyle Whitney, Vienna) What if a mime really were trapped in a glass box? Wouldn't that be great? (Anne Skove, Dendron, Va.) Where do they send Siberian criminals? (Barry Goldsmith, New York) If Darth Vader is Luke and Leia's father and he built C3PO, then why in Episode V didn't he know . . . oh, never mind. (Robert Carlisle, Arlington) Shouldn't "brevity" be a one-syllable word? (Bill Morris, Washington) What do you use to get out club soda stains? (Andrew Prodromou, Mountain View, Calif.) Why is the winning Style Invitational entry never as funny as the Honorable Mentions? (Chris Kaufman, Glenn Dale) ====================================================================== WEEK 493, published February 16, 2003 Week CLX (493): A Major Offensive This Week's Contest was suggested by a reader who wrote in complaining about last week's contest, which offended him deeply. He was appalled that we offered kosher dog food as a prize for a contest to come up with really miserly ways to save money in the recession. Taken together, he said, these two facts insidiously reinforce the stereotype that Jews are stingy enough to eat dog food. Since the Czar is Jewish, the letter suggested, he must be a self-loathing Jew. Even though prizes never have anything to do with the contest, The Czar feels simply terrible about all this, and for penance dedicates this contest to the letter writer. Find something anywhere in today's Washington Post or washingtonpost.com -- a story, a line in a story, a photo, an ad -- and complain about it with absurd oversensitivity. First-prize winner gets a rare copy of "The Great American Parade," by Robert Burrows, declared by The Washington Post to be "the worst novel ever written in the English language." First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 24. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week CLVI (489), in which you were asked to combine any two celebrities' overlapping names to create a new one with a new profile. Terrific results. Several people came up with interesting combinations, but flopped at the profile part. And so we are left only with What Might Have Been: The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Charles; Butterfly McQueen Elizabeth; Refrigerator Perry Como; Santa Claus von Bulow; Nosferatupac Shakur; Ronald McDonald Rumsfeld; Uncle Tom Clancy; Rin Tin Tintin. Likewise, several people came up with excellent combinations that broke the rules by changing the spelling of one of the names. The best of these, which goes prizeless because of this transgression, is Julius Cesar Chavez: "I came, I saw, I Concord." (Richard A. Creasy, Winchester) Fifth Runner-Up: Punxsutawney Phil Jackson: Returns every winter, often bringing bad luck to others. (Michael Becraft, Reston) Fourth Runner-Up: Mata Hari Fleischer: "What is concealed is always more interesting than what is revealed." (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Third Runner-Up: Mr. T.S. Eliot: "I pity the fool, wanderin' around half-deserted streets, walkin' on beaches, talkin' 'bout peaches, mournin' his lost manhood. I pity the fool." (Dan Steinberg, Bethesda) Second Runner-Up: Oscar the Groucho Marx: Starred in "Rubber Duckie Soup." (Roy Ashley, Washington) First Runner-Up: Marion Barry Bonds: "The pitch set me up." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) And the winner of the sugar-cookie-scented Eggbutt Horseball: Al Frankenstein's Monster: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, gosh darn it, I'm a big fat idiot." (Beverly Miller, Clarendon) Honorable Mentions: Ariel Sharon Stone: A political leader who promises a glimpse of the Promised Land. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Barney Frank Perdue: Chicken Out!(Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Elton John Holmes: The Loin King (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Mullah Omartha Stewart: Currently hiding in a tastefully decorated cave. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Auntie Eminem: Dorothy, git down in the cella / Cuz I ain't no Rockefella / I cain't take no persecutions / From you or them Lilliputians (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington; Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Celine Dionne quintuplets: An excellent reason to ban cloning. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Pollyanna Karenina: Cheerfully threw herself under a train. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mr. Bill Clinton: "Oh noooo. It's special prosecutor Sluggo!!" (Janice Simmons, Alexandria) Clarence Thomas Aquinas: The saint who does whatever Saint Anthony does. (Fil Feit, Annandale) Dr. Ayman Boutros-Boutros Ghali: Tried to perform laser correction for that terrible vision problem the U.N. has. (Dave Freitag, Potomac) Elton John Tesh: Elevator shoes, and music. (Dave Freitag, Potomac) Montezuma Thurman: Starring in "Poop Fiction." (Trish Hackman, Springfield, and Maureen Langan, New York) John W. Nordstrom Thurmond: Opened a department store where there's always a white sale. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Ray Charles Manson: No parole in sight, ever. (Dennis R. Millner, Manassas) Lady Godivan the Terrible: Czar known for naked aggression. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Juan Ponce de Leon Spinks: Boxer who searched in vain for the Fountain of Tooth. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Steve Martin Heidegger: German philosopher who had a feeling of ultimate meaningless about life, probably because of the arrow through his head. (Roy Ashley, Washington) "Lucky" Luciano Pavarotti: Sang to the feds. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Barney Frank Lloyd Wright: Designer of houses with no closets. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) George W. Somerset Maugham: "Of Human Bombage." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Vicente Fox Mulder: Illegal aliens are out there. (Gary Lefkowitz, Springfield) Babe Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Throws left, bats left, leans left. (Bird Waring, New York) Benedict Arnold Schwarzenegger: "I'll be backstabbing." (Jennifer Sklarew, Arlington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Greg Norman Bates: A serial killer who chokes his victims. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ayn Rand McNally: Atlas Published. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Raggedy Ann Coulter: She's really cute, but we gotta be grateful her mouth is sewn shut. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Fat Albert Einstein: Hey[+3] (Carl R. Katz, Potomac; T. Linden, Concord, Calif.) Bob Dylan Thomas: "Duh nah guh jantuh enna thah goo nah." (Mitch Mularz, Aberdeen, Wash; Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Lenny Bruce Lee: Master of Kung Fu-- (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Babe Ruth Westheimer: A noted expert on getting past third base. (Ruth Auerbach, College Park) Dean Martin Luther King: "I have a drink." (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria) Prince Rogers Nelson Rockefeller: Changed his name to the symbol $ (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria) Gena Lee Nolan Ryan: Now that's a hard model to hit on. (David Alexander, Capitol Heights) ====================================================================== WEEK 494, published February 23, 2003 Week CLXI (494): Quote-idian Reflection, perforce, plays mischief with man's eye And objects may appeareth smaller, befool you, and you die. -- Shakespeare, writing the side-view mirror warning This Week's Contest was suggested by Beth Archibald of Fairfax, who stole it from Basil White of Leesburg, who stole it from the Society for Technical Communication of Arlington, which probably stole it from someone else, not that we can prove this or anything. Take any extremely banal piece of familiar writing, such as a garment's laundry-care tag or instructions on how to set a VCR or a computer error message, and rewrite it in the style of a famous writer, poet or lyricist, as in the above example. Seventy-five words max. First-prize winner gets a set of shotgun-shell salt-and-pepper shakers. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, March 3. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Report from Week CLVII (490), in which you were asked to submit late entries for any previous contest. Third Runner-Up: Double Dactyls: Viggery-pokery Nabokov, Vladimir Authors "Lolita," a Best-selling work. Ode to a 12-year-old Kid who's obsessing an Overlibidinous Voyeur and jerk.(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Second Runner-Up: Bad New Toys for Kids: The Michael Jackson Balcony Bouncer (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Bad analogies: The crazed zealot leapt from the crowd and shot the archduke like a deranged fanatic bounding from a throng and pumping lead into a member of royalty. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of an official Trent Lott slice of white bread: Funny names for real towns' high school football teams: The Weehawken (N.J.) Loogies (Helene Haduch, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Adding something to a famous line so it lands with a thud: "I'll have what she's having. Oh, and also, a Diet Coke." (Stephen Lead, Sydney) Asterisked humor: There are 10* kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary numbers and those who don't. *In binary notation, 10 equals the number 2 (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) What TV detective always solved crimes through serendipity?* Columbo. *Colombo is the chief city of Sri Lanka, whose Arabic name was Serendip. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Tasteless obit headlines: Famous Amos: Goodbye, Mr. Chips (Paul Dudley, Ellicott City) Pat Sajak: No More Mr. Nice Guy (Judith Cottrill, New York) Mick Jagger Gathers Moss (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Tip O'Neill Consults Grass Roots (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Bert Lahr: End of the Lion (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Grant Wood Buys Farm (Mary Ann Henningsen, Washington) Signs an institution has "jumped the shark": The National Symphony Orchestra: After each movement, the audience gets to vote off its least favorite flutist. (Greg Krakower, New York) The New Republic Swimsuit Issue (Lindsey Durway, Austin) Commercial products with celebrity rhymes: Tom Ridge Fridge: Holds things for months and months and months in the cooler. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Homophones: Extorsion: Criminal arm-twisting. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Fauxcus: To pretend to pay attention. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Sheikhdown: The purpose of an oil cartel. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Sentences containing all the letters of the alphabet: Quick, have prom judges ban a sexy waltz. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Dave Barry fears quick, zipless sex with Ms. Jong. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Vexed, Jacques makes a goofy pun: "Brevity is the Zola wit." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) "Air quotes": S"lumber": Sawing logs. (Mike Genz, La Plata) "Tiff"any's: Where to go to buy a make-up present. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Unwise first line of a college application: While the government might consider me an enemy combatant, I prefer to think of myself as a freedom fighter. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Children's books you'll never see: "How to Climb Like Spider-Man" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) "Satan's Big Book of Curses" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Message written only with the letters of someone's name: Saddam Hussein: Has insane sand man hidden SAMs, mines and dead Sunnis amid dunes and his dens? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Isms: Necro-ventriloquism: Projecting one's voice at a funeral so it sounds like the deceased is talking. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Name puns: When did Los Alamos officials finally improve security? Only Wen Ho Lee hell broke loose. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) What did Popeye tell Bluto in "Casablanca"? Olive Oyl the gin joints in the world, she walks into mine. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Cynical definitions: Class warfare: n., the din of inequity. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Homonymphomania: Docyoumeant: The letter you SHOULD have written. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Sign of an incompetent doctor: Asks if you have an allergy to placebos. (Daniel Dunn, Bethel, Conn.) ====================================================================== WEEK 495, published March 2, 2003 Week CLXII (495): Words of One Syl- . . . Um, Just Short Words George Bush thinks the jerk who rules the rogue state in the Gulf has gas and germs, if not nukes. But so far, the Swede, Hans Blix, has failed to find them. "Mon dieu," said the French, in that nose-in-the-air way of theirs, and told the world that Bush is a bad man who must be stopped. This did not please Bush at all. "We will take the bad guys out," he said, "and we will act on our own if need be." God help us all, now. This Week's Contest was proposed by Robert J. McManus of Washington. Robert notes that we live in complicated times; he suggests that you take some complex issue of any sort and explain it to all us morons entirely in words of one syllable. One hundred words max. First-prize winner gets a mouse pad celebrating 50 years of Swanson frozen dinners. It looks exactly like a rubber-chicken TV dinner with those cubed mixed vegetables and mashed potatoes the consistency of grout. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, March 10. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. Report from Week CLVIII (491): We published four cartoons drawn by Bob Staake in the style of the great caricaturist Al Hirschfeld, who specialized in celebrity drawings that accompanied season premieres and opening nights. Bob, however, is an inferior caricaturist who has a little trouble with exact likenesses. Based on the circumstances in the drawing, you were to tell us which celebrities they were supposed to represent. Third Runner-Up:(Cartoon C) Bobby Fischer secretly feeds moves to Deep Blue. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) Louis Braille reads The Style Invitational for the first time. (Steve Ahart, Sterling) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) Mrs. Puck was most irritated that Wolfgang had mortgaged their home for one stinking black truffle. (Judith Cottrill, New York) And the winner of the figurine of Jesus Christ playing hockey with two kids: (Cartoon D) Mr. Staake's pen captures the pilot episode of the old "Bob Newhart Show" in 1972. It starred Robert Vaughn as the grimly complex Chicago psychologist Bob Hartley, opposite Suzanne Pleshette as the brooding, distant, periodically suicidal Emily. The show's producers smelled failure and decided instead to cast Bob Newhart as a comedic lead, since he would better suit the show's title. (Ben Pitkin, Rockville) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: Many years ago Strom Thurmond found that the secret to a long life was to eat a large meal and then read the Civil Rights Act. (Bob Fowler, Greenbelt) Even after all this time, Kenneth Starr is still trying to fully comprehend details of the transcript of Monica's testimony. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) In retrospect, the editor of Great Books had to concede it was probably a bad idea to get Yogi Berra to supply a dust jacket quote. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Arthur Treacher reads that he has to, yet again, play a butler. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cartoon B: Lisa Kudrow follows the instructions: "Place your new goldfish in a bowl . . ." (Mike Genz, La Plata) Calista Flockhart Diet Tip No. 8: Go through house, systematically eliminate temptations . . . (Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Judith Cottrill, New York; Spencer Lu, Gaithersburg) This sketch of Mariel Hemingway was to accompany a 1987 Parade magazine interview. Startled to learn that the actress was unfamiliar with the plot lines of any of her grandfather's novels, the interviewer briefly synopsized "The Old Man and the Sea" for her. "It made me, like, really mad at fish," the actress said. (Ben Pitkin, Rockville) Ms. Shelley Long introduces Mr. Hamilton Fish to Miss Edith Head. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Michael Jackson undergoes his court-ordered therapy sessions to control his urge to dangle babies. (Greg Krakower, New York) Tina Louise desperately tries to flush all memories of the Minnow out of her life. (Howard Harrell, North Potomac) Gloria Steinem, who needs a man like a fish needs the toilet seat up. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Cartoon C: Pete Townshend's one-man war against child pornography continues. (Mark Young, Washington) Dan Quayle's tech support guy told him that to get his computer to work better, he needed to get several patches. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Cartoon D: Chuck Smith of Woodbridge lounges at home with his lovely wife and the rhinoceros booger he recently won. (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.) Manic-depressive philosopher Michel Foucault often experienced dark periods in his life. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Early in his career, Bob Guccione believed that a huge market existed for people who wanted to look at tittles, the dots on the top of lower-case i's. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Martha Burk finally has the proof she needed that Hootie Johnson is totally determined to blackball women from the Augusta National Golf Club. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Peter Jennings, considering whether Barbara Walters would shut up if a paperweight were shoved down her throat. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Christopher Columbus concluding that the world is round and that a few months away from the wife wouldn't hurt either. (G.T. Bowman, Falls Church) Bayard Rustin tries to decide whether to give up the contemplative life for one of a professional hockey player. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The inventor of connect-the-dots seeks inspiration. (J.D. Berry, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 496, published March 9, 2003 WEEK 496: THE STYLE INVITATIONAL TURNS 10 Hard to believe, isn't it? The Style Invitational, which began as a disreputable little newspaper contest with crummy prizes and no sense of decency, has now become a disreputable little 10-year-old newspaper contest with crummy prizes and no sense of decency. The contest began humbly on March 7, 1993, with a challenge to redress a cultural affront and rename the Redskins. The winning entry, by Douglas R. Miller of Arlington, was suitably contrarian: "Call them the Baltimore Redskins -- No, don't move the team, just change the name and let Baltimore worry about it." That was 495 contests ago. In the interim, The Style Invitational -- run autocratically by a mysterious, reclusive figure known only as "The Czar" -- has staked out a position as the least Washington Post-like feature ever to weasel its way into The Washington Post. It is sometimes subversive, occasionally mean-spirited, frequently rude, often immature, always arrogant, and at times just about inexcusable. We are not sure why it has survived; it's possible Donald Graham does not read the inside of the Style section. Over the years, The Style Invitational somehow managed to launch the international stardom of cartoonist Bob Staake, an otherwise negligible talent whose scramble-featured characters suggest the work of a blind man. Calling itself "the last pure meritocracy on Earth," and stubbornly resisting complaints of favoritism, the contest has also made minor celebrities of a handful of fiendishly clever and uncommonly persistent readers. These include Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, Russell Beland of Springfield, Tom Witte of Gaithersburg, Chris Doyle of Burke, Stephen Dudzik of Olney, and, of course, J. Ha -- Jennifer Hart of Arlington, The Style Invitational's most decorated woman. The contest for this week is to submit new entries to any of the old contests mentioned below, and try to beat The Very Best of the Past 10 Years. There's the usual deadline of a week and a day, and the usual e-mail address, losers@washpost.com. (Just call it "Week 496." Roman numerals are now history.) The prize, in honor of our Tin Anniversary, is a dented tin cup imprinted with the illustration above. If you're reading this, Don, there's nothing much below. Nothing to see here. Just move on along to Book World. Bad ideas for Christmas toys (Dec. 18, 1994): The Learn-About-Puberty Chia Pet.(Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Inept Valentine's Day sentiments (Feb. 27, 2000): My darling, when assisted by highly supportive undergarments and, after factoring in the inevitable results of pregnancies combined with a genetic disposition toward excess weight in the hips and buttocks, for which you must be held blameless, you are still a strikingly lovely woman when compared with others in your age group. (Ben F. Noviello, Fairfax) The start of a pretentious sentence (May 12, 1996): "As Jesus Christ once said, and rightly so -- " (Mike McKeown, Reston) Revised, upbeat modern-movie endings to classic films (Nov. 12, 1995): "Citizen Kane": The reporter discovers that Rosebud was Kane's sled. He rescues it from the furnace and uses it to enter the Olympic luge event, winning a gold medal. (Jerry Podlesak, Arlington) An elegy for someone who died in 1997 (Nov. 30, 1997): Jacques Cousteau: The knit cap lies empty on the deck, The once-proud ship feels like a wreck. At his request, his last remains Will now become the ocean's gains. With tear of eye and roll of drum, We feed the sharks. Farewell, old chum. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) A well-known story as retold by a famous person (Aug. 18, 2002): Hamlet and Ophelia were a good couple. Claudius and Gertrude were evil. Polonius was good and so was Horatio, but Laertes was evil. Clowns good, gravediggers evil. Then there was Fortinbras. We had a Fortinbras at Delta Kappa Epsilon. He was a major-league bunghole. -- George W. Bush (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Good idea/bad idea (April 9, 1995): Good idea: Showing pictures of your kids at a private party. Bad idea: Showing pictures of your privates at a kids' party. (Ira Moskowitz, Lanham) Explain the differences between any two items on a list (July 19, 1998): The difference between a human navel and a 1998 VW Bug: In the case of the navel, most people would rather have an innie. In the case of the Bug, most people would rather have an Audi. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The difference between a chain saw and Marion Barry's brain: With a chain saw, you can actually HEAR the buzz. (David Smith, Greenbelt) Put part of a word in quotes and redefine it (March 5, 2000): G"angst"er: Someone torn by inner conflict, and bullets. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What politicians say and what they really mean (May 2, 1996): What they say: I don't believe in polls. What they mean: My polls tell me to say I don't believe in polls. (Frank Bruno, Alexandria) A question that should never be asked at a presidential debate (Nov. 26, 1995): What is the most ethnically offensive word or phrase you have ever heard, and will you please use it in a sentence? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Ideas that never made it off the drawing board (July 14, 1996): Singing mammograms. (Dudley Thompson Jr., Rockville) The Slim-Fast Blimp. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Euphemisms (Aug. 16, 1998): Undressing someone with your eyes: "Checking out Lois Lane." (Joe Kobylski, Gaithersburg) A makes about as much sense as B (Jan. 21, 1996): Telephone sex makes about as much sense as eating a menu. (Steve Cohen, Reston) "Whuh-oh" lines (Sept. 6, 1998): From your new next-door neighbor: "I never could have afforded to buy this house on my own. My old neighbors chipped in to buy it for me." (Philip Vitale, Arlington) Tabloid headlines written using only the keys on the left side of the keyboard (Dec. 27, 1998) BRETT FAVRE WEDS BART STARR AFTER 16 BEERS! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Something you'll never hear an 8-year-old say (Jan. 17, 1999): "Nana, will you spit on your hankie and wipe the gravy off my face?" (Beverly Miller, North Clarendon, Vt.) Poem about a current news event (April 21, 2002): The male panda's aggressively randy behavior: Mei Xiang, I am so very sorry My advances to you were too crude. Though your well-rounded haunches still thrill me I will try now to act more subdued. Could we possibly catch us a movie? And you'll be my sweet, sweet bamboo. Please forgive me, my dear one and only Or I'll have to go courting a gnu. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Attention-grabbing first lines of a dissertation (March 7, 1999): In order to purge all traces of phallocentrism from this project, I have castrated myself. (David Genser, Arlington) Dumb letters to the editor (Dec. 13, 1998): URGENT, HAND DELIVERED: Do not let them bury the people whose pictures you showed in Sunday's obituaries! Most of them look like they are still alive! (David Genser, Arlington) Expressions that rely on the reversal of two words or phrases (May 16, 1999): I'd rather have bliss with two sisters than a cyst with two blisters. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Not all men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave their homes, but all men kiss their homes goodbye when they leave their wives. (David Kleinbard, Washington) Spoonerisms (Aug. 20, 1995): How is adoration of a pop group like a PBS documentary on an obscure European country? One is Beatlemania; the other is "Meet Albania!" (Steven Papier, Wheaton) Old and new concerns for baby boomers (Jan. 24, 1999): Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint. Now: Getting a new hip joint. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Great ideas for avant-garde art (Dec. 24, 1995): Exhibit consists only of notice awarding artist grant for the exhibit. It is mounted on the wall with masking tape. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) A woman advertises a major speech on health care reform. When the 10,000-seat arena fills up, she stands at the lectern clearing her throat, ta-tapping the mike, and saying "Hello, hello, is this thing on?" for hours until the entire audience gets embarrassed and leaves. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Bad poetry (Feb. 23, 1997): The world's great mathematicians assembled for a lecture To hear a rising star prove the Taniyama Conjecture. And the young man astounded those who did hear him By also casually proving Fermat's Last Theorem! And for this achievement, everlasting glory and acclaim Will forever go to, y'know, whatsizname. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) Really bad excuses for moral lapses (April 10, 1994): You are not guilty of DUI if you thought someone else was driving. (Helen Sheingorn, Washington) New Mafia-type expressions (April 28, 1996): Poured gasoline on someone and lighted a match: "Escorted him to the smoking section." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Hiding out: "Rentin' the old Kaczynski place." (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) Ruin a famous line by adding to it (Aug. 26, 2001): Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee. Moby, I've had it up to HERE with you. (Cynthia Coe and Ray Aragon, Bethesda) Jesus wept buckets. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A sign of a dire condition, and then a sign of further deterioration (June 10, 2001): Sign you are oversexed: Your wife pretends to be asleep when you enter the bedroom. Sign you are really oversexed: Your wife pretends to be asleep when you enter the delivery room. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What Neil Armstrong should have said when he landed on the moon (Aug. 7, 1994): "One hundred eighty-seven thousand six hundred forty-four bottles of beer on the wall . . . " (Stu Segal, Vienna) Explain the illustration (Oct. 28, 2001): After the tragic accident with the trash compactor, there were only 100 Dalmatians. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A passage about a politician, created entirely from the letters in his name (July 29, 2001): Fiddledy diddledy, Johnny F. Kennedy Hero at thirty-three, Hat in the ring. Idol, Lothario, Egalitarian Rake or a leader? Joker or king? (Chris Doyle, Burke) Cutesy signs for men's and ladies' restrooms (Jan. 14, 1996): At a Catskills resort: "Ladies" and "Germs" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) At the Burning Tree Club: "Men" and "Exit" (Susan Reese, Arlington) Create a story around these illustrations (Feb. 11, 2001): Once upon a time there was a wonderful, happy little boy (C) who lived with his mommy, who loved him very much. His daddy (A) also claimed to love him, even though he was consistently late with his child support and Mommy couldn't afford to have the washer fixed and she had to agitate the wash herself (E). Well, the judge said that the little boy had to spend every other weekend with his daddy and that cheap floo -- , uh, lady he married. The lady didn't like having a little boy running around, and decided to make sure he would never run around her house again. She pretended to be nice to the little boy all day, and then put sleeping pills in his dinner (B). After the little boy went to sleep, she mixed up a batch of cement (F) and when the little boy woke up he was (D) cemented into a big washtub! And he was never able to run around and play again. Wasn't it too bad that he got fooled by that lady his daddy married and actually ate something she cooked? Now, did you remember to put your toothbrush and toothpaste into your backpack? Daddy will be here any minute to pick you up. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) Give us the setup to this punch line: "No, you moron, you were supposed to wear it." (July 14, 2002): Explorer No. 1 (returning from bushes): You were right, profethor. The pith helmet thertainly came in handy!" Explorer No. 2: (William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.) Change a famous quote by one letter (Jan. 25, 1998): Michael Jackson: "Here's looking at your kid." (Meredith Robinson, Springfield) Aliases celebrities can use when checking into hotels (Sept. 29, 2002): Barbara Walters: Faye Swift (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Bad ideas for useless products (July 30, 1995): Seeing Eye giraffes (Blair Thurman, Reston) Update an expression for the new millennium (Dec. 3, 2000): Old expression: What goes around comes around. New expression: RE:Fw:FW:Fw:Fwd:FW:Fwd:FWD:Fw (Twyla Vernon, Verona) Dumb questions (June 1, 1997): Excuse me, does this pharmacy carry that "date rape" drug? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Washington Post headlines from the year 2050 (Dec. 24, 2000): Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals Anal Probes Were 'Just for Fun' (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Why this cartoon might be offensive (Oct. 27, 2002): Using a miniature hand-held steamroller to kill babies before collecting their blood in a bucket is fine, but it is insulting to suggest that such a workman would not be wearing the proper safety goggles. Union men are not all incompetent. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Names for the high school football team in a real city: The Eutaw (Ala.) Puddytats (Jennifer Hart, Arlington, Nov. 13, 1994) The Assinippi (Mass.) Guard Dogs (Karla J. Dickinson, Springfield, Nov. 13, 1994) The Weehawken (N.J.) Loogies (Helene Haduch, Washington, Feb. 23, 2003) The difference between any two items in a list we supplied (Sept. 8, 2002): The difference between the Pennsylvania Dutch and a mole on one's butt is that in a Pennsylvania Dutch neighborhood, there's probably no crack. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Cinquains, revoltingly precious poems in successive lines of two, four, six, eight and two syllables (June 16, 1996): Bob Dole, Old but virile; Tyrannosaurus Sex, O, dark, rapacious veloci-Rapture! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Oh dear, Sylvia Plath, Down went your spirits, and Up went the gas, and now life you No hath. (Christine Tabbert, Woodbridge) Phrases from a foreign-language English phrasebook that would be of no help to persons visiting the United States (Dec. 1, 1996): "You puny American, I am here to overthrow your government and thrust your nation into chaos. Myooo ha ha ha! May I borrow from you a dime for the parking meter?" (Jacob Harley, Landover) New elements for the Periodic Table, with their symbols and properties (Feb. 1, 1997): Canadium (Eh): Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Innofensium (Pc): Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose. (Irwin Singer, Alexandria) Sentences you don't want to hear the end of (Nov. 15, 2002): "Sir, uh, me and your daughter . . . " (Bill Chang, Ithaca, N.Y.) Lines you wouldn't want to hear after getting married (Aug. 24, 1997): "Now that's a coincidence. My birth mother's name was Clytemnestra de Nunkyhaven, too!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Mottoes for the backs of the state quarters (Sept. 7, 1997): Missouri: "This is the back of the quarter." (Bob and Lydia Faulkner, Washington) What is this object? (July 9, 2000): A handy product for drunks on teeter-totters. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Annoying Nerdspeak (July 1, 1999): One should not say "Today is my birthday," since a person has only one birthday, the very day he was born. More properly, one should say "Today is the ANNIVERSARY of my birthday." Assuming, of course, it is the anniversary of one's birthday. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia) Whenever a woman tells me that she loves me with all her heart, I patiently explain that the heart is an autonomic blood pump incapable of emotion, and that her statement is therefore without meaning. No woman has made that mistake with me twice. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Poeds, consisting of one line of six one-syllable words, one line of three two-syllable words, one line of two three-syllable words, and a final line containing one six-syllable word. There must be at least one rhyme (July 21, 1996): Mom, a Jew. Pop a WASP. Easter, Pesach, Christmas. Communions, tallises, Psychoanalysis. (Roger L. Browdy, Kensington) Propose a use for the 14-mile long, 15-foot wide tunnel for the aborted supercollider project (Nov. 21, 1993): Just rename it the Martha Washington Monument. (Michael Sweet, Rockville) ====================================================================== WEEK 497, published March 16, 2003 Week 497: Ask Backward Because the French Got There First Definitely Not Michael Jackson Mahmoud Finkelbaum The Nobel, the Pulitzer and the Fonz Just that al Qaeda Guy in the T-shirt Zippo the Pinhead Zippy the Pinworm Because It Didn't Rhyme The Rapper Nice-T Dick Cheney But Not a Training Bra Hans Blix's Right Nostril This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? First-prize winner gets the actual board game based on the movie "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." This was sent to us free by Paramount in the naive hope that we would praise this wretched, manipulative, formulaic mess of a film. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, March 24. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The winner of the Week CLIX first prize is Lindsay Lacy of Woodbridge. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week CLIX (492), in which you were to come up with really miserly ways to ride out the recession, and from Week CLX (493), in which you were asked to complain with extreme oversensitivity to items in that day's paper. We are combining these results because Week CLX occurred on the day of the big storm, a lot of people didn't get their papers, and the entries that did arrive were, by and large, terrible. Only three deserve mention, but they were pretty good. Second Runner-Up: Your repeated references to "President Bush" are highly offensive to those who regard Al Gore as the legitimate winner of the election.(John Holder, Rock Hill, S.C.) First Runner-Up: We're in a war on terrorism and you print a convenient map of the Washington area right there on Page A14. Why not just put up a "Welcome Terrorists!" sign? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And the winner of a copy of "The Great American Parade," described in The Washington Post as "the worst novel ever written in the English language": I was deeply offended that the Czar chose to conduct this week's contest at the expense of oversensitive people; haven't we suffered enough for our condition? (Cecil J. Clark, Arlington) Now, to the cheapskates: Third Runner-Up: At the bottom of your Christmas cards, write: "P.S., Happy Valentine's Day!" (Elisabeth Kuhn, Richmond) Second Runner-Up: Kill and cook your own meals. Hint: Security is pretty lax at petting zoos. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) First Runner-Up: Peel congealed toothpaste drips from your bathroom sink. Use as after-dinner mints. (Keith Irvine, Springfield) And the winner of the kosher dog food sample: Instead of paying for a personalized license plate, just change your name to match your license plate. (XZC-4147, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Instead of money, give panhandlers coupons for little favors, like back rubs and "together-time." (Hilary Neggin Keilp, Washington) Save on heating oil by inviting bombastic blowhards over for a discussion. Then light them on fire. (William Barratt, Falls Church) Tell your kids that nobody cool goes to college anymore. (Elizabeth Kirkwood, Arlington) Just let the Supreme Court pick the next president directly, and we'll all save money! (G.W. Bush, Washington) (Alex Smith and Susan Houston, McLean) Open a window instead of turning on the air conditioning when the furnace overheats the house during the winter. (Rebecca Nilson-Owens, Madison, Va.) Save all your calendars; then, in a dozen years or so when they start to match up again, you'll be all set while your friends have to buy new ones. (Rikki Rabbin, Olney; Mariann Simms, Wetumpka, Ala.) Buy an old truck. Paint "Goodwill Industries" on it. Park in a shopping center and wait for the booty to arrive. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) To save money on pet food, buy a big dog and train him to feed on the little dogs and cats in the neighborhood. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) After reading the paper, instead of washing your hands, rub them in your hair. It really gets rid of the gray. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Can't afford a tracheotomy voice box? Everyone loves a kazoo! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Instead of dropping expensive aluminum chaff to fool enemy radar, use those AOL disks. (Martin Schulman, Herndon) You can save on funeral expenses AND commuting time by having your loved ones taxidermized in seated poses and placed into your car's passenger seats on I-66. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) To save energy, the Redskins only show up to play in the first half of each game . . . oh, wait . . . (Scott Watson, Jemez Springs, N.M.) Instead of those expensive congressmen from California or New York, bribe someone from Wyoming or Arkansas. (Noah Meyerson, Washington) Instead of getting that new premium cable TV package, try reading one book a week from your local public library. Kidding! Kidding! Just try cutting off HBO7 in a few months. (Joe Morse, Charlottesville) Collect old Electroluxes and convert them to jet packs to power an army of flying mechanoid zombies. This is far more economical than trying to clone a race of vampire pterodactyl men. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Turn gay. Then you can share clothes with your mate. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) When designing your $50 million home, make sure everything is automated so you can save money on servants. (Bill Gates, Redmond, Wash.) (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Never clean the bathtub. Eat the mushrooms. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) When sniffing glue, use a generic brand. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) There is a reason they call it "toe jam." (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Read The Washington Post online for free. Your HMO will pay to treat seizures caused by flashing pop-up ads. Meanwhile, you will have saved even more by purchasing flights through Orbitz with your American Express card! (Hilary Neggin Keilp, Washington) And last: Instead of hiring professional writers, trick the public into delivering a half-page of comedy each Sunday. Pay them with plastic vomit and movie promotional materials taken from wastebaskets. (Martin Schulman, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 498, published March 23, 2003 Week 498: Unamazing But True! 1. The average garbage disposal motor has a service life of 15 hours. 2. A glass of hippopotamus milk contains, on average, 80 calories. 3. The number of ethnic Bashkirs in Bashkiria is exceeded by the number of Tatars. In neighboring Tataria, the reverse is true. This week's contest was suggested by Michael Rae of Potomac. Readers are invited to submit a true fact that is of absolutely no use, but interesting in a weirdly Invitationalist way. Gotta be verifiably true. First-prize winner gets a T-shirt featuring two really cute teddy bears engaged in what appears to be a procreational act. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, March 31. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is the same as it was last week, by the same Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass., because last week we inadvertently advertised the wrong upcoming contest, in addition to having chosen unoriginal entries as winner and first runner-up. We probably also libeled someone, misidentified entire continents, misquoted dignitaries, and showed inappropriate liberal bias. We are dreadfully sorry. It was a bad week. Report from Week CLXI, in which you were asked to rewrite some banal instructions in the style of some famous writer. Second Runner-Up: I'm not at home, or I'm asleep, But do not fret, and do not weep. Just leave a message at the beep, Just leave a message at the beep. -- Robert Frost(Paul Dudley, Ellicott City) First Runner-Up: Remove this tag! -- pillow warning, rewritten by Abbie Hoffman (Charles Havekost, Vienna) And the winner of the shotgun shell salt and pepper shaker: O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon upon a backward journey lithe. Anon, once more the gesture, then begin: Command sinistral pedestal to writhe. Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke, A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl. To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke. Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl. The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about. -- by William Shakespeare (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Honorable Mentions: "Call me e-mail." -- Herman Melville, re-writing "you've got mail." (Michael Clem, McLean) ool (no p) maintain this -- pool warning, by e e cummings. (Brad Cooper, St. Augustine, Fla.) First you lather. Okay. Then you rinse. Then what do you do? Repeat. So you lather and rinse. And then? Repeat. It says so! So you lather and rinse . . . and when does the madness stop? -- Jerry Seinfeld (Bird Waring, New York) Do not put bag over your face. The air shall cease and breathing fade; Do not, do not put bag over your face. Though not a gun, or knife, or mace, Your skin shall look like grape Kool Aid Do not, do not put bag over your face. -- Dylan Thomas (Evan Golub, College Park) If you a knocked-up ho, dont drink no mo. -- the warning on a liquor bottle, by Eminem (Joseph Romm, Washington) This warning issues from a model modern Surgeon-general Who wishes that your stay on Earth might be not so ephemeral As mascot Joe, that smoking hyperactive dromedary who Succumbed to fatal illness, cardiac and pulmonary too . . . -- Gilbert and Sullivan rewrite the tobacco-pack warning (Stephen Fahey, Kensington, and Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Well, to wake up this morning, set alarm to on. I said, to wake up this morning, set alarm to on. Then when it rings, press snooze until it's gone. -- B.B. King (Jeff Seigle, Vienna) If you notice in this vicinity, Furtive glances, unattended ticking packages, unauthorized entry into limited access areas, or any other suspicious actinnity, Please remember that our alert level is orange, And err on the side of caution, report transgressions to an appropriate authority and help prevent acts of terrorism from an evildoer domestic or foringe. -- Notification of terrorism alert level, by Ogden Nash. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Sometimes a cigar is just a carcinogen. -- Sigmund Freud (Joseph Romm, Washington) Subtract line 34 from line 22, or, if you are left-handed, line 29, making sure you also multiply the fiduciary rejoinder by the dependent flatus. Finally, divide that by the number of quids in a hectare. This is your adjusted gross income. And I needn't tell you that Adjusted Gross Income would make a fine name for the Arthur Andersen Prison Softball team. -- Dave Barry rewrites the tax return. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) A gauzy Skein of Propylene -- That sways with slightest Breath -- This bag holds smocks -- and Bread and Milk But -- in its folds -- lies Death. It sways and puffs -- this Thistledown, Balloonlike in its joy -- Each tiny mouth a perfect fit -- This bag is not a toy. -- Emily Dickinson (Jim Roy Wilson, Washington) Your entry must be both humourous and original; but beware, lest the part that is good be not original, and the part that is original be not good. -- Samuel Johnson (Joseph Romm, Washington) And Last: Employees Must Wash Hands After Pooping -- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) ====================================================================== WEEK 499, published March 30, 2003 Week 499: What Kind of Foal Am I? Mate CAPTAIN AMOUR with CARRIER and name the foal MAJORCASEOFTHECLAP Mate J. ALFRED PRUFROCK with REGION OF MERIT and name the foal EAT A PEACH Mate IRISH GAMBLER with COLLATERAL DAMAGE and name the foal LOST THE HOUSE Mate DUBAI LIGHTNING with EXCESSIVE PLEASURE and name the foal DUBAIYOURPLEASURE As it is every year around this time, this week's contest was suggested by Mike "Mikey the Tout" Hammer of Arlington. Mate any two of the horses qualifying for this year's Triple Crown and tell us the name of their foal, as in the examples above. (The list is elsewhere on this page, and on washingtonpost.com) You may ignore the horses' actual genders, if you happen to know them. Maximum 18 characters, including spaces. There are more horses this year than ever before, and this spells trouble. That's because this contest, year after year, impels ordinarily sane human beings to lose their minds. They do not sleep or eat. They submit hundreds of entries apiece, and the judging process becomes a fight against fatigue, torpor and unconsciousness. This year, the madness stops. To whinny down entries in this contest, we are setting a limit of 25 per person. The restraint will be good for you. First prize is a horizontal-striped convict costume. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, April 7. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week CLXII (495), in which you were asked to summarize a highly complex issue in words of one syllable: Fourth Runner-Up God told us, "Thou shalt not kill." We say sure, but it's fine to kill folks who don't like our God. God says, "No, thou shalt not kill." We say sure, but it's cool so long as it's just those guys who dress in rags and have beards. God says, "No, write this down. Thou shalt not kill." We say, "Sure. Now who is this "thou" guy you mean? God does not like this.(Robert Carlisle, Arlington) Third Runner-Up Criminal recidivism: The high court just gave the green light to "three strikes" laws. If you rob a bike, pass a bad check and sell pot, you can get life in jail. Of course, it's poor folks who do time for crimes like these. If you have big bucks, you can kill and have a Dream Team on your side in court. You'll get life, all right: a life of wine, chicks and golf. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Second Runner-Up Geopolitics: Pour their vin right down a drain, Name those fries Brit Chips. Dogs with shaved top knots are lame, Smooch with tight closed lips. Call it a paned, two-part door, And say your maid is Swiss; If they won't help us with a war, You know what they can kiss. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia) First Runner-Up The debate surrounding somatic cell nuclear transfer technology: If we clone a man, things might go ronwg. (Sally Fasman, Washington) And the winner of the mouse pad in the shape of a Swanson's TV Dinner: Quantum physics: This thing, it is not there nor here. This thing of mine, it acts quite queer. Launched at a screen with just one hole, It's like a ball -- A shot! A goal! But if two holes I make quite wide, Then as a wave, it through will glide. The chance of hit or miss (in math) Is wave height squared. On no one path It moves, but all paths swift doth run. I tell you true (I don't make fun) In sum, I'll say it in a trice: Old Al was wrong, God DOES play dice. (R.N. Oerter, Riverdale) Honorable Mentions: Civil rights vs. national security: Since the bad day two years back, the feds have this thing where they want to know what sites you surf on the Web, and whom you hang with: In short, they want to be rid of that Bill of Rights stuff that lets you do your own thing. They want to press their boots on your throat and . . . "Sir, we'd like to ask you a few things . . . " Huh, where'd you come from? "Sir, please step from your desk and keep your hands in plain view." Hey, wait, I was just . . . "You have the right to -- nah, skip that." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The utilization of adenovirus vectors to splice exogenous DNA into cells to prevent inherited metabolic neurodegenerative processes: You have bad genes. Your bad genes will make your brain rot. I have good genes. My good genes can stop your brain rot. I will use germs to give you my good genes. (Paul Roney, Arlington) Read, write, do math -- that is so Old School. You must treat each kid with care, make sure they are not sad. So what if they do not spel or speak so good, no big thing. Want fries with that? (Tom Greening, North Bethesda) A group of nuts claimed they cloned a girl. No way, say some, but still. "No clones!" the White House cries. "Stem cells are out, too!" Well, stem cells can cure folks who are sick and could die. "Let's not play God," says the White House. Well, they should know. (Sandra Cohen and Daniel Geselowitz, Bethesda) No two folks have the same prose style. The man who wrote "The Old Man and the Sea" wrote like this. James Joyce did not. (Ken Gallant, Little Rock) Zoo deaths should be rare. Those who used to take care of the beasts knew how to feed them and make sure their dens were clean, safe and warm. But new guys came in and, though they did not mean to, killed some of our friends with fur. Now the zoo needs to get rid of these new guys and find some folks who know how to do their jobs and keep the beasts safe so they can live in peace, not rest in it. (Kelley Eiskant, Silver Spring) Joe had lots of bucks, not. You had lots of brains and taste, not. Fox made lots of bucks, that much is true. You spoke, they heard. Hold on, the next wave of trash is on its way. (Tom Greening, North Bethesda) Let's see what we have here: cheese, ham, three jugs of milk, hot dogs, rolls, two loaves of bread, a bag of chips, jam, cans of corn, green beans, soups, a few jars of strained peas for the kid. All right. Now, what does this sign say? Shall I read it to you? Twelve things or less, this aisle. Is this so hard, to count to twelve? What is the point you fail to grasp here? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Bush says the guy in the sand may pose a threat, we must act first. I think the guy next door may pose a threat. So I will act first. (Luan Pham, Silver Spring) When they wrote songs as a team, John and Paul were the best of all time. Then John got shot dead and Paul wrote a theme for James Bond. (Suki Litchfield, Andover, Mass.) Fred is dead, and kids young and old mourn the loss. He was a kind soul. Like all of us, he put on his shoes one at a time, though it did take him quite a long time to get the job done. And yet, just once it would have been nice to see him whack a dog, yell at some kids, tear the set to bits. You know? (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) The Horses A Great Team; Acceptable; Actor; Added Edge; Admiralty Arch; Affable; Agilis; Ah Wilderness; Akatsakat; Al Saqaar; Alajwad; Alke; Alysweep; American Liberty; American Mon; Amid the Chaos; Anasheed; Apalachian Thunder; Apple Cart; Arbitrate; Aristocat; Atfirst Blush; Atswhatimtalknbout; Auto City; Awesome Rush; Awesome Time; Awesome of Course; Badge of Silver; Bannack; Bham; Bierstadt; Big American Force; Big Country; Bishop Court Hill; Blackinton; Blakelock; Blazing Freedom; Bluegrass Spirit; Book Note; Boston Park; Boston Shuttle; Bourbonnais; Brancusi; Bridgefield; Bridgeside; Brightest Hour; Brighton Ridge; Bucanero Gris; Buckland Manor; Buju; Bull Market; Bullistic; Burchfield; Calabar; Campaign Castle; Capital Spending; Captain Amour; Captain Fantastic; Carrier; Case Charmer; Cat Genius; Cat Ona High; Certification; Champali; Chance 'Ola; Change Course; Cherokee's Boy; Chez Black; Chimborazo; Chimney Slew; Choctaw Charlie; Christine's Outlaw; Christmas Away; City Desk; Cold Truth; Colita; Collateral Damage; Colonel Gordon; Color Me Gone; Colt Python; Comic Truth; Commander's Affair; Composure; Confidential Sport; Conservation; Cool Irony; Cornicopia; Crackup; Crafty Guy; Crafty Motion; Cravens; Crisp Decision; Crosstown Caper. D's Bertrando; Dance Pro; Daring Skipper; Decoder; Deep Shadow; Defy Logic; Delacroix; Demon Warlock; Deputy Lad; Desert Warrior; Devote; Domestic Dispute; Double Again; Double Intrigue; Dubai Lightning; Dublin (Ire); I Ducati Demon; Dynamometer; Dynastyle; Dynever; Elusive Gentleman; Elusive Hour; Empire Maker; Endemaj; Engineered; Enkidu; Epic; Eugene's Third Son; Evening Gents; Evolving Tactics; Exceptional Sunset; Excessive Pleasure; Filippone; First Class Trip; FistBump; Flint Hall; Flirt With Fortune; Flying Jazz; Formal Attire; Formidable Fox; Foufa's Warrior; Foxs Gold Digger; Freedom's Key; Funny Cide; Gakkel Ridge; Galena Summit; Game Day; Gassan Royal; Gato Gato Gato; Gentlemen J J; Gentlemen's Club; Gentlestone; Ghost Mate; Ghostzapper; Gigawatt; Gimmeawink; Global Attraction; Gold Adventure; Golden Wave; Gone Ballistic; Gotta Believe; Governor Brown; Grand; Grand Chance; Grand Lucenci; Great Notion; Green Colony; Grey Comet; Grinding It Out; Gross Margin; Gun Boat; Hackendiffy; Halo Homewrecker; Hear No Evil; Hold That Tiger; Home of Stars; Homie; Honeagle; Hot Hand; Humblest; Hurricane Devin; Hushood; Hypnotist. In Front Quality; Inamorato; Indian Express; Indiana Express; Indy Dancer; Indy Flag; Infinite Justice; Intensive Dancer; Involvement; Inwood Home; Irish Gambler; Irish Road; Iron Lad; Irrawaddy; Island Squeeze; J. Alfred Prufrock; J. R. Belongs; Jazzman's Prospect; Jenkins' Ferry; Joe Bear; Judgmatic; Kafwain; Kilgarten; King of the World; Kingsley Club; Kissin Saint; Knievel; Krown Me King; Landana; Larry B; Larry King; Lector; Legal Process; Lewa Dance; Lion Tamer; Listen Indy; Little Floss; Living Single; Logician; Lone Star Sky; Longhorn Blues; Longship; Lord Stonewood; Lots of Sizzle; Love Is Blind; Loyal Deputy; Lucy I'm Home; Mackinaw City; Macchiato; Majestic Commander; Major Decision; Man Among Men; Maneuverable; Marino Marini; Massive; Max Forever; Maxamax; McCann's Mojave; Midas Eyes; Midnight Charlie; Midway Cat; Midway Road; Military Option; Mingun; Ministers Wild Cat; Mister Slippery; Molotov; Moomba; Moonroper; Most Feared; Mr Joe B; Mr. Bubbly; Mr. Ron; Mr. Rubicon; Mr. Technique; Mt. Vaughan; Mukhtaser; Murashah; Mustang Jock; Mustbinthefrontrow; My Boston Gal; My Dear Jazz. Napoleon Solo; Nation Wide News; Nebuchadnezzar; Negotiation; Neon Magic; New South Wales; New York Prospect; Newfoundland; Nothing to Lose; O Henry; Occult; Ocean Terrace; Offlee Wild; Omega Code; One Colony; One Nice Cat; Onebadshark; Ontario; Orville Forest; Our Bobby V.; Outer Reef; Outta Here; Ozzie Cat; Parallax; Parhelion; Parker's Way West; Parnell Square; Patacon; Path; Patriot Spirit; Peace Rules; Penobscot Bay; Permiso; Philadelphia Jim; Pine for Java; Polish Gift; Political Risk; Poor Man's Battle; Popular Groom; Power Lion; Powerful Touch; Premier Rocket; Pretence; Prince Alphie; Prince in Command; Private Chef; Private Gold; Prominent Feature; Proud Cardenal. Quick Draw; Quietus; Rahy Vision; Raise Atlantis; Randwick; Ransom the Krooner; Rapid Proof; Rapier Dance; Real Desire; Real Hot; Reciprocate; Refuse to Bend; Region of Merit; Remo; Rhumjar; Richard's Boy; Risk Reward; Risky Cat; Roaring Fever; Rock Climb; Rock Sez Win; Rocky Flight; Roll Hennessy Roll; Romeo Tango; Roses in May; Rosie's Big Boy; Ruby Falls; Runnin' on Nitro; Saint Liam; Saint Waki; Saintly Look; Salt Wells; Sam Boo; Santa Catarina; Santa Fe Slew; Saranoia; Savoy Special; Scott; Scrimshaw; Seattle Hoofer; Seattle Sound; Seek Gold; Senor Swinger; Sharp Impact; Shop Hill; Siberland; Singletary; Sir Cherokee; Sir Silver Berry; Sircharlesschnabel; Six Kings; Skamper; Skiperoo; Sky Mesa; Sky Soldier; Skycrossing; Sleuthing; Slew Shaq; Smokin' Sammy; Some Kind of Tiger; Songlark; Southern Image; Special Rate; Spensive; Stand by Your Flag; Stanislavsky; Stanley Park; Starlit Laughter; Statue of Liberty; Sterny; Still a Bachelor; Stoker; Stone Canyon; Stone Cat; Storm Gulch; Strength Within; Strong Hope; Sum Trick; Summer Sport; Supah Blitz; Supervisor; Surging River; Sushi Train; Sylvanite; Symbolic Times. Tarkovsky; Tempered Steel; Ten Cents a Shine; Ten Most Wanted; Texas Hill; The Man; Tippecanoe; Tito's Beau; Toccet; Tomahawk; Torre and Zim; Touch the Wire; Transparent; Tribute to Heroes; Trident House; Truckle Feature; Trust n Luck; Trustee Man; Twice as Royal; Two Sparks; Unbridled's Comet; Uncle Bruce; Unforgettable Max; Unfurl the Flag; Unleash the Power; Unnamed-2; Utopia; Van Nistelrooy; Victory Smile; Vindication; Wake; War Hawk; Western Diplomat; Western Envoy; Wholly John; Whywhywhy; Wild Honour; Wild and Wicked; Windsor Lodge; Winged Foot Willie; Winning Fans; Wordsworth; Work for Boots; Worthing; Y. V. Five; Your Bluffing; Zavata; Zydeco Affair. ====================================================================== WEEK 500, published April 6, 2003 Week 500: Ergo-Nomics 1. A hack writer uses cliches. 2. A cliche is an expression you hear all the time, such as "dead as a doornail." 3. Shakespeare's works contain many expressions people use all the time, such as "dead as a doornail." Ergo: 4. Shakespeare was a hack writer. This week's contest was suggested by the Czarevich, who is studying symbolic logic and syllogisms. A syllogism is a series of statements ending with a conclusion that logically follows from them. Your challenge is to create a sillygism -- a syllogism that doesn't quite work, like the example above. (Real syllogisms have only three elements. Yours can have as many as you wish.) First-prize winner gets an invitation to attend the screening of the new Warner Bros. movie "The In-Laws." The invitation is etched on a large slab of milk chocolate. Yes, this is another lavish movie promotional item sent to us in the hope of garnering good pub. We haven't seen the film yet, so we can't trash it, except by quoting the card that appears with the chocolate: "Steve's a rogue agent, a volatile man. / When Jerry first saw him, he ought to have ran / Now he's run out of luck / His new in-law's a schmuck / Better duck when the cake hits the fan." So, ahem, you judge. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, April 14. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Peter Jenkins of Bethesda. Report from Week 496, in which we asked you to top the entries in past contests that were celebrated in our 10th Anniversary issue. Fifth Runner-Up -- Bad first drafts of famous lines: Call me Ishmael the sailor man, toot toot.(Brad Suter, Charlottesville) Fourth Runner-Up -- Bad first drafts of famous lines: Iran, Iraq and North Korea are wheels in the tricycle of evil. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Third Runner-Up -- What Neil Armstrong should have said: "Wow. This is, like, so totally NOT a movie set in the Nevada desert." (Evan Golub, College Park) Second Runner-Up -- Put a portion of a word in "air quotes," and redefine: Ses"quip"edalian: "Good evening, ladies and microorganisms." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) First Runner-Up -- An elegy for someone who died in the past year: Sydney Omarr, born a Leo, 'Cause of him I lost my Keogh, Wed an Aries (Omarr forced me), Six months later, she divorced me. Dot-com start up, Fen-Phen diet? Taurus rising! Buy it! Try it! Lost no weight but both my cars, Thanks to my unlucky stars. On the streets now, been evicted, All from things that Syd predicted. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And the winner of the dented tin cup imprinted with Bob Staake's cartoon: Cinquains, which are five-line poems of two, four, six, eight, and two beats: Saddam, You vex a world By terror made edgy; Please accept this regime-changing Wedgie. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Honorable Mentions: Bad first drafts of famous lines: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and that if anything needs sugar on it, it's grapefruit. (Brad Suter, Charlottesville) Five score minus thirteen years ago . . . (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Men never make passes at girls who have been blinded by knitting needles. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes and that little pink thingie in the inside corner. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Bad Valentine's Day sentiments: The rejection of my advances by your sister, your cousin and your roommate has made my affection for you grow stronger, as I come to a more realistic assessment of my romantic options. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Change a famous quote by one letter: Marquis de Sade: "No pain, no grin." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Put a portion of a word in quotes and redefine: "Pub"erty: When you can legally drink in Ireland. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Mo"narc"h: The drug czar. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Ho"mopho"ne: Word that sounds like an obscene phrase. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) "Bar"d: Someone who gets more eloquent as he drinks. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Super"intend"ent: Building manager who never gets around to fixing anything. (Judith Cottrill, New York) F"ran"ce: Self-explanatory. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bad ideas for Christmas toys: Frothy, the Raccoon Who Will Come Right Up to You. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Lil' Vet Fix-a-Pet Surgical Kit (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Sign of a problem, then a sign of further deterioration: Problem: France won't support you. Worse problem: Cameroon won't support you. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Names for football teams in real cities: The Schenectady (N.Y.) Dots (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The Derry (N.H.) Air Blasts (William Verkuilen, Minnetonka, Minn.) Bad campaign slogans: Vote for me and feel intellectually superior to the most powerful man on Earth. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Small, nonsequential bills only. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) My juvenile records are sealed. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Ruin a famous line by adding to it: Et tu, Brute? Thou whacketh me? (Arun Rajagopalan, Gaithersburg) I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes You Betcha. (Greg Lynch, Arlington) Phrases from a foreign-language English phrase book that would be of no help to persons visiting America: Where is the closest flammable landmark? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Slogans for the backs of quarters: Delaware: We Put the Del in Delmarva. (Bird Waring, New York) Things you will never hear an 8-year-old say: "I really ought to write Grandma a long thank-you note for that Series EE savings bond she sent me." (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Revised, upbeat endings to classic films: It turns out Old Yeller isn't rabid after all, he just got into the Barbasol. (Bird Waring, New York) Bad product ideas: Hospital specimen dribble cups. (Bird Waring, New York) New, improved duct tape that "breathes." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Old and new concerns for baby boomers: Old: Hoping for success in the bedroom. New: Hoping for success in the bathroom. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Annoying nerdspeak: It makes no sense to ask someone: "May I ask you a question?" You could say, "May I ask you two questions?" so that after first gaining permission, you have one question left, but if the respondent answers the first one with "No," then you are stuck. What I always say is, "Barring objections, I intend to ask you a question. Lack of protestation in the next five seconds implies consent for me to proceed." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Children's books you will never see: How to Help Strangers Find Lost Puppies. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Lines you don't want to hear after getting married: "I'm so glad you'll finally get to meet my twin sister! She's exactly like me, except she has bigger breasts and owns the Green Bay Packers." (Joe Morse, Charlottesville) "Just don't ever go into the padlocked room at the end of the hall." (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt) ====================================================================== WEEK 501, published April 13, 2003 Week 501: Questionable Sentences A: He was "there when it happened." Q: I hear that O.J. is finally ready to confess, but that Johnnie Cochran scripted the confession. What, exactly, is O.J. going to say? This week's contest reprises one of our favorites from yesteryear. Take any sentence appearing anywhere in today's Washington Post (or on washingtonpost.com) and make it the answer to a question. You may not change or reorder any words; you may alter punctuation. Make sure you tell us from which story, and on what page, your source material came. (The above example was taken from today's Dear Abby.) First-prize winner gets the "Simpsons"-theme board game Loser Takes All, based on a concept so stupid we are not surprised that, despite its big-time sponsorship, Stephen Dudzik of Olney bought it at a Kmart bargain bin for $8. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, April 21. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Entries will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 497, in which you were asked to supply questions to "Jeopardy!"-type answers. Good answer too popular to reward with a prize: Answer: Definitely not Michael Jackson. Question: Who will replace Mister Rogers? Fourth Runner-Up: Answer: Zippy the Pinworm. Question: What parasite is the hardest to get?(Joe Otchin, Ithaca, N.Y.; Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Third Runner-Up: Answer: Definitely not Michael Jackson. Question: "Glenda Jackson, Latoya Jackson, Mahalia Jackson, Michael Jackson. Quien es mas macho?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.; Nick Yuran, Waynesboro, Pa.) Second Runner-Up: Answer: The Rapper Nice-T. Question: Who recorded "My Hoe's in the Garden, and My Bitch is Named Fido." (Kaz Aames, Warner Robins, Ga.) First Runner-Up: Answer: Dick Cheney but Not a Training Bra. Question: What needs wiring to provide chest support? (Michael Kidwell, Silver Spring) And the winner of the "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" board game: Answer: Mahmoud Finkelbaum. Question: Who would blow himself up, if only it wouldn't break his poor mother's heart? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Honorable Mentions: Answer: Hans Blix's right nostril Answer: What's one MORE thing right under Hans Blix's nose that he can't see? (Joanne Nickerson, Reston) Answer: Definitely not Michael Jackson What does Michael Jackson's long-lost twin look like? (Josh Tucker, Kensington) Who is the biological father of Michael Jackson's children? (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls; Sue Lin Chong, Washington; Brian Barrett, Bethesda) Answer: The Rapper Nice-T Who is always bragging about his prowess with a Glockenspiel? (Mark Young, Washington) Who is Tipper's favorite gangsta? (Anne Skove, Dendron, Va.) Answer: Zippy the Pinworm Who lays lots of eggs but occasionally really tickles you in a funny place? (Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Answer: Zippo the Pinhead What was the first sign that the comics page had started accepting corporate sponsorships? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Who is Smokey the Bear's pyromaniac nemesis? (William Dimmer, Merritt Island, Fla.) What comic explores the lighter side of cranial deformity? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Answer: Mahmoud Finkelbaum Who thinks that a viable, contiguous Palestinian state "couldn't hoit"? (Mark Young, Washington) Who is the world's least likely person to become pope? (Jeff Brown, Fairfax) Answer: What would my wife and I look like today if we had never married? (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Answer: Dick Cheney but not a Training Bra Whose job covers two entire hemispheres? (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Answer: Because the French Got There First What is this whole non sequitur thing all about, anyway? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Answer: Just that Al Qaeda Guy in the T-shirt Okay, if that wasn't the Yeti, who was it? (Judith Cottrill, New York) If there are six Girl Scouts, four old ladies, three Buddhist monks, a baby in a stroller and that Al Qaeda guy in the T-shirt, which one will get on the plane without being screened? (Mary Lou French, Lorton) Answer: Because It Didn't Rhyme In the fall, on the Isle of Nantucket, A girl picked some fruit in a bucket. She picked peach, plum and apple And sold them to Snapple, But why did she never pick orange? (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Why did Mother Goose reject the rhyme "Mary, Mary Quite Constipated"? (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) And the David Twenhafel memorial prize: Why is this entry / Worse when not in French? (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) ====================================================================== WEEK 502, published April 20, 2003 Week 502: Picture This This week's contest: Who are these people? What are they doing? First-prize winner gets a gilt-covered model of the Kobukson (1592), the world's first armor-clad ship. It is in a slightly cracked plastic display case. It was donated to The Style Invitational by Lin Dalton of the Thrift Shop on P Street in Washington. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, April 28. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Gabriel of Silver Spring. Report from Week 498, in which we invited you to come up with unimportant but oddly interesting facts. Many of you went to unimportant-but-oddly-interesting-fact Web sites, and you have been rewarded with no ink. Did it not occur to you that we would get dozens of entries pointing out that the pope is an honorary Harlem Globetrotter, that there are more Agriculture Department employees than farmers, and that the Sanskrit word for war means "desire for more cows"? The winning entries were a lot more original. A special mention to Russell Beland of Springfield, who points out the startling fact that "newspapers routinely print the anagrams of very offensive words, but no one seems to mind . . . this." Russell wins a taxidermized . . . snipe. Third Runner-Up: Bob Ferguson was a player and manager in baseball's early days in the 1870s and 1880s. His nickname was Death to Flying Things. Jack Chapman was also a manager in the 1880s. His nickname was also Death to Flying Things. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: "Pumpernickel" is derived from German words meaning "Devil's fart." (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) First Runner-Up: Saddam Hussein has a daughter named Raghad. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) And the winner of the T-shirt featuring teddy bears positioned in a way they shouldn't be positioned: The record for pole-sitting, 196 days, is held by a Pole. (Daniel Baraniuk, from Gdansk, did it in 2002.) (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Honorable Mentions: Albert Einstein's birthday is 3.14.(Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.) If approached by an enraged baboon, it is best to get on all fours and rotate your rump in a counterclockwise direction. This soothes the baboon. It is important not to rotate your rump in a clockwise direction as this may cause the baboon to become aroused. (Lorraine Verchot, Springfield) Color additive E120 in Cherry Coke is made of dried-up cochineal insect bodies. (Kathy Flynn, Olney) In college basketball, the Temple University Owls' single-game scoring record and fourth-highest point total in NCAA history is 73 points, set by Bill Mlkvy in 1951. His real claim to fame? He was known as The Owl Without a Vowel. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The order of Life Savers in a five-flavor roll is always orange, red, white, green, yellow, red, white, green, orange, red, yellow. (Bob Elliott, Washington) East Aurora, N.Y., is about 100 miles west of Aurora, N.Y. (William J. Collinge, Gettysburg, Pa.) If you start with "one" and count upward, writing all the numbers in succession by spelling them out, you will not use the letter "a" until you hit 1,000. (Lex Friedman, Los Angeles) Any number will be divisible by 9 if its component digits add up to a number that is divisible by 9. (Elizabeth Miller, Ashburn) Elephants are the only mammal with no elbows. They do have four knees. (Elizabeth Miller, Ashburn) A one-yen coin will float if placed flat on a glass of water. (Jennifer L. Gundersen, Fort Meade) The letters "ough" are pronounced six different ways in the following sentence: A rough-hewn ploughman walking through the streets hiccoughed, coughed and hocked up a doughy loogie. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) The amount of blood in the average human body is roughly equivalent to a case of beer. (Mark Young, Washington) Mr. Ed's real name was Bamboo Harvester. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The word "testicle" comes from the idea of 'testimony' to one's maleness. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) The B&O Museum in Baltimore is the world's largest 22-sided building. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The Wright Brothers' first flight could be performed in its entirety inside the cargo bay of a C-5A transport aircraft. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A British officer with bad handwriting wrote "?Name" on a map of Alaska, not knowing what the location's actual name was. The map, when recopied, was read as "Nome." It stuck. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Toucan Sam, the Froot Loops character, originally spoke in Pig Latin in commercials, telling us of his ove-lay for Oot-fray Oops-lay. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Aaron Burr is the most famous American whose name starts and ends with double letters. But Lloyd Fredendall, who commanded the U.S. forces at the battle of Kasserine Pass, has the most famous name starting and ending with the SAME double letter. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Duct tape is widely revered for its usefulness, but in 1998 a Department of Energy study revealed that duct tape is not that effective at repairing ducts. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Millard Fillmore's 1850 State of the Union address lamented the high price of imported Peruvian guano. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) The largest organism on Earth is a mushroom covering 2,200 acres in Oregon. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) Desi Arnaz's popular 1950s song "Babalu" was actually a tribute to Baba Luaye, the Cuban name for the Caribbean god of smallpox. When Desi was pounding out the rhythm on his congas, he was echoing the tribal representation of a traditional dancer, wrapped in straw, who performed as if doubled over in pain, mimicking the suffering of a smallpox victim. (David Koplow, McLean) And Last: The winner of the first Style Invitational contest, Douglas R. Miller, never entered another one. He wanted to "retire undefeated." His prize -- a Timex Triathlon watch -- no longer works because the battery died, and he never bothered to replace it. (Jacki Lippman, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 503, published April 27, 2003 Week 503: Doody and Muldoon Original Muldoon: With a toe in the water and a nose for trouble and an eye to the future I would drive through Derryfubble A New Muldoon: A nose to plunder, An ear to poke in, Ah, life is grand In sunny Hoboken. This week's contest was suggested by Peter Metrinko of Alexandria. Peter proposes that you write poetry that out-Muldoons Paul Muldoon, the Princeton professor who won this year's Pulitzer Prize in poetry. The real Muldoon, above, was quoted by The Post as an example of his poetry. Yours must imitate it. Your poem must be a single quatrain, containing at least one rhyme and references to at least two body parts and one geographic name, as in the second example above. First-prize winner gets an extraordinary prize donated to The Style Invitational by Robin Diallo of Malawi. It is a genuine Zulu mcedo, which is a caplike object woven from grass and banana leaves that is worn by Zulu men underneath loincloths for protection of a sensitive body part. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, May 5. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 499, in which we asked you to mate any two Triple Crown-eligible horses and name the foal. The results, as always, were spectacular. A special mention, but no prize, goes to Jeff Brechlin of Potomac Falls, who had to stretch the form a little bit but produced this otherwise excellent entry: Mate "Roses in May" with "Exceptional Sunset" and get "Laid." Additional good entries that we had no room for can be found on www.washingtonpost.com. Seventh Runner-Up: Mate Epic with Warhawk and name the foal Beowulfowitz(Steve Fahey, Kensington) Sixth Runner-Up: Mate In Front Quality with Gold Digger and name the foal I'm a Little D Cup (Pamela Zilly, Cabin John) Fifth Runner-Up: Mate Runnin' on Nitro with Atswhatimtalknbout and name the foal The Angina Monologues (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Fourth Runner-Up: Mate Molotov with O Henry and name the foal Cocktailwithatwist (Susan Reese, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Mate Roaring Fever with Mr. Bubbly and name the foal SARSaparilla (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Second Runner-Up: Mate Polish Gift with Exceptional Sunset and name the foal Gdanskinginthedark (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) First Runner-Up: Mate Occult with Rapid Proof and name the foal E.S.P.D.Q.E.D. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) And the winner of the convict costume: Mate J Alfred Prufrock with Wordsworth and name the foal Lonely as a Clod (Emily Lloyd, Milford, Del.) Honorable Mentions: Gigawatt x One Nice Cat = Shock and Awww (Stu Solomon, Springfield) Composure x Lion Tamer = Sang-Froid And Roy (Chris Rubino, San Diego) Ruby Falls x Refuse to Bend = Viagra Falls (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Lucy I'm Home x Roaring Fever = Dizzy Arnaz (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Rocky Flight x Mr. Bubbly = Barf Bag (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Southern Image x Formal Attire = Starched Overalls (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Hypnotist x Victory Smile = Trance and Dental (Yale Smith, McLean) Enkidu x Comic Truth = Ikidu Not (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Lucy I'm Home x Amid the Chaos = Quick Fred Hide (M.K. Phillips, Falls Church) Lucy I'm Home x Senor Swinger = Icky Ricardo (Jonathan Batten, Washington) Stanislavsky x Crackup = Methodtomymadness (Roy Ashley, Washington; Mike Hammer, Arlington; Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Whywhywhy x Windsor Lodge = Why Knot (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Bham x Stoker = Whackula (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Daring Skipper x Lucy I'm Home = Theoldmananddesi (Chris Rubino, San Diego) Bull Market x Peace Rules = Bring Back Bill (W.J. Clinton, Chappaqua, N.Y.) (Randy Huwa, Orange, Va.) Quick Draw x Still a Bachelor = Big Surprise (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Lucy I'm Home x Excessive Pleasure = Little Ricky (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Formidable Fox x Storm Gulch = Greta Van Cistern (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Excessive Pleasure x Unnamed 2 = Anonymphomania (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Pretence x Actor = Charlatan Heston (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Enkidu x Patriot Spirit = Enkidoodle Dandy (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Summer Sport x Napoleon Solo = Tennis Elba (Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.) Crackup x Refuse to Bend = Modest Plumber (Sue Finger, Falls Church) Excessive Pleasure x Prominent Feature = Justhappytoseeyou (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) Stone Canyon x Region of Merit = Rose of Sharon (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Ah Wilderness x Gigawatt = Gale's Dream (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Mr. Bubbly x Penobscot Bay = Lawrence Whelk (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Saintly Look x Bull Market = Holier Than Dow (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Legal Process x Funny Cide = Sue a Cide (Julia Scott, Rockville) WhyWhyWhy x Lone Star Sky = Three Whys Men (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Man Among Men x Refuse to Bend = Prison Shower (Michael Burgess, Germantown) Boston Park x Cold Truth = Common Cold (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley) Rosy's Big Guy x Hot Hand = Rosy Palmer (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Surging River x Torre and Zim = Dam Yankees (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Excessive Pleasure x O Henry = 0! O! O! Henry! (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Eugene's Third Son x At First Blush = Kith and Makeup (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Torre and Zim x Tempered Steel = Yanks My Chain (Joseph Romm, Washington) Onebadshark x Knievel = Jump the Shark (Greg Pearson, Arlington) Mister Slippery x Ruby Falls = Ruby Sues (Greg Pearson, Arlington) Peace Rules x Dance Pro = Dove Barre (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) In Front Quality x Cold Truth = Shrinkage (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Little Floss x Southern Image = Thong of the South (Meg Sullivan, Potomac; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Elusive Gentleman x Prominent Feature = The Shadow Nose (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Larry King x Quick Draw = Suspender Animation (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) Private Chef x Legal Process = Torte Reform (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) Transparent x Texas Hill = Glassy Knoll (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington) New South Wales x Runnin' on Nitro = Aussie and Harrier (Sandra Hull, Arlington) WhyWhyWhy x Knievel = Axes of Evel (Bill MacDonald, Alexandria) Legal Process x Military Option = What Legal Process? (Bill MacDonald, Alexandria) Stand by Your Flag x Excessive Pleasure = Standing O (T.J. Murphy, Arlington) Your Bluffing x Acceptable = My 26th Entry (Russell Beland, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 504, published May 4, 2003 Week 504: Life Is Snort . . . And then, sitting there eating my bagel, I realized that "error" is terrorism's middle name. . . . And that's why my beagle is my best friend. . . . Maybe tomorrow I'll have that cup of coffee my dad always wanted to share with me. . . . Bowling, I realized, is not just about strikes. This week's contest was proposed by Jean Sorensen of Herndon. Jean points out that the excellent reader-written feature "Life Is Short" on the front of Sunday Style sometimes gets a little, well . . . schmaltzy. Jean is a particular fan of the final line of the items, where the schmaltz often resides. Your challenge is to write a last line, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets Volume 1 of the (mostly) picture book "Morbid Curiosity: Celebrity Tombstones Across America," plus the accompanying calendar. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Monday, May 12. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 500, in which we asked you to come up with flawed syllogisms. It was a very hard contest. The ones who did well did very well. The ones who didn't . . . really, really didn't. Second Runner-Up: Only one entry will win The Style Invitational. I submitted only one entry. Ergo, I will win the Style Invitational.(Russell Beland, Springfield) First Runner-Up: A lawyer is taught to be precise. A precise person uses clear, concise language. Ergo, lawyers possess the training to express complicated concepts in a self-evident manner, employing the rhetoric version of the doctrine of res ipsa loquitur, whether coincident with the action at hand or rendered analytically after the fact, i.e., nunc pro tunc, in a manner that eschews verbosity and is, therefore, comprehensible inter alia by the average person, the extraordinary person, those with or without mens rea, ballerinas, Methodists . . . (Marc Liebert, New York) And the winner of the milk chocolate movie-opening invitation: Emanuel Ax is an extraordinary talent. Kathleen Battle is an extraordinary talent. The word "old" means "of long standing." Ergo, regardless of how your mother took it, I was only referring to her long-standing status as an extraordinary person when I . . . (Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.) Honorable Mentions The best things in life are free. Freedom comes at the price of eternal vigilance. Freedom, therefore, isn't free. Freedom, therefore, isn't one of the best things in life. Tyranny is the complete opposite of freedom. The complete opposite of something is everything that the first thing is not. Tyranny, therefore, is one of the best things in life. Ergo, tyranny is better than freedom. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Farts are funny. Audiences like funny things. People in an elevator are a captive audience. Ergo, people will like it if you fart in an elevator. (Maxine Sudol, Richmond, Australia) Rock beats scissors. Scissors beat paper. Ergo, rock does not beat paper! What, paper beats rock because it can wrap around the rock? What kind of stupid logic is that? Paper can wrap around scissors, too. Rock rules. Thank you. (Jonathan Kaye, Washington) Came home this morning and all her clothes were gone. The account is empty, a stain on the bed, the dog is dead. Ergo, my baby done left me, she's done chucked me and flown. (Cecil J. Clark, Arlington) If you tax an activity, you discourage it. The death tax imposes a tax on dying. Ergo, repealing the death tax will cause people to die earlier. (Sen. Tom Daschle, Washington) (Sara Ulyanova, San Pedro Sula, Honduras) A circular argument assumes what it is trying to prove. Assuming what one is trying to prove is logically invalid. Ergo, a circular argument is invalid because it is circular. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) All fish have scales. The Justice Department has scales. Ergo, there is something fishy about Ashcroft. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Socrates is a man. All men are jerks. Ergo, Socrates is your ex-husband. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) God helps those who help themselves. Kleptomaniacs help themselves. Ergo, God is an accessory to petty theft. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Death involves going toward the light. When you walk into your kitchen at 3 a.m., cockroaches run from the light. Ergo, cockroaches never die. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Blue, red and yellow are primary colors. If you combine two primary colors, you get a secondary color. The primary color that is not a component of a secondary color is called its complementary color. Complementary things are things that go well together. Ergo, you should wear blue pants and an orange shirt to your next sales presentation. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) No man has two penises. One man has one more penis than no man. Ergo, one man has three penises. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) ====================================================================== WEEK 505, published May 11, 2003 Week 505: The Rule of Dumb Erect a thirty-foot statue to hernia victims. Rent an entire floor of Trump Plaza for one year and give it to someone who raises free-range chickens. Just donate the money to Bill Gates. This week's contest: You are given $1 million, under the following conditions: (1) You must spend it all. (2) You must use it in a way that neither directly nor indirectly works to your financial benefit. (3) You may not use it to alleviate the suffering of anyone on Earth, or for any other public-spirited project other than . . . (4) the joy of stupidity. First-prize winner gets a vintage, limited-edition, numbered Franklin Mint collectible portrait plate of John F. Kennedy, rendered really, really badly. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, May 19. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by W.J. Johnson of Arlington. Report from Week 501, in which we asked you to take any line from anywhere in that day's newspaper, and make it the answer to a question. Third Runner-Up: A: Just before cooking, pull off their beards. Q: What's a way to really tick off missionaries?(Jeff Brown, Fairfax; Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Second Runner-Up: A: Some look insectile, too, perhaps because their surfaces suggest exoskeletons. Q: Is it just me, or do runway models look a tad skinny? (Russell Beland, Springfield) First Runner-Up: A: Patricia Tamlin was working the night shift at Scarborough Hospital in Toronto when she started feeling hot. Q: What line starting a story in The Washington Post could also start a story in Penthouse? (April M. Musser, Arlington) And the winner of the stupid "Simpsons"-theme board game: A: We were in the Guggenheim for almost three hours and had absolutely no idea what the heck was going on. Q: What would you hate to overhear one doctor say to another as they leave the operating room after brain surgery on your wife? (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: A: It's a blasphemy wrapped in an atrocity. Q: Have you tried our new kosher cheesesteak on Wonder Bread? (David Kleeman, Chicago) A: In a seminal study with other scholars of post-conflict recoveries on three continents, Boyce warned that "predation by the powerful -- too often tolerated, if not encouraged, by donors in the name of political expediency -- corrodes the long-run prospects for a lasting peace" by preserving centralized economies and unresponsive governance. Q: Can you give an example of how The Post has altered its writing style to attract young readers? (Russell Beland, Springfield) A: "If tests from our experts confirm this, this could be the smoking gun." Q: What did Hans Blix say upon picking up a smoking gun? (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) A: "He knocked out his teeth and gave me one as a souvenir." Q: Miss Foster, how did John Hinckley celebrate your birthday this year? (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) A: I would show this to children. Q: What deposition statement by Michael Jackson compelled his lawyers to quickly settle the civil suit against him? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) A: Use a long leash. Q: What's good advice for walking a flatulent St. Bernard? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) A: Help them create a BBC of their own. Q: How could we get the new Iraqi leadership to commit the world's first genocide by boredom? (Kenneth S. Gallant, Little Rock) A: We want one, too. Q: What was the semi-official slogan of the feminist movement? (Russell Beland, Springfield) A: The crossword puzzle did not appear in some April 12 editions. Q: To what do psychologists attribute the recent spike in suicide rates among nerds? (Russell Beland, Springfield) A: It was World War II. Q: Was there anything Cher thought more newsworthy than her farewell concert? (Russell Beland, Springfield) A: "We believed Saddam Hussein and his henchpersons had smallpox." Q: Can you give an example of the use of a gender-neutral term even more ridiculous than "chairpersons"? (Russell Beland, Springfield) A: It's like deja vu. Q: What is deja vu like? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Mike Hammer, Arlington) A: There is cholera, with its uncontrollable diarrhea. Q: Is there anything worse than a Celine Dion special? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) A: Tens of thousands of people celebrated in Leipzig after seeing their city's name flashed on a giant screen. Q: How can one tell that the people of Leipzig need to get out more often? (Marc Leibert, New York; Russell Beland, Springfield) A: I think of my grandmother when I see people fretting about the daily gyrations of the stock market. Q: How do you use the words "grandmother" and "gyrations" in a sentence without bringing up some unfortunate mental images? (Ellen Black, Centreville) A: Timber-castles-dot-England, during the Middle Ages. Q: What is the worst example of an e-business that failed because it was too ahead of its time? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) A: An orangutan navigates a boat; a horse reads pictures; a rat lays cable; a hand-fed fish. Q: Aside from "when pigs fly," what else will have to happen before Hootie Johnson admits he was wrong? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) A: Here are seven spots that fit the Bill. Q: What was the forensic finding on Monica's dress? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) A: I coolly asked them to take out their textbooks. Q: How did Tom Swiftly begin his lecture on the Ice Age? (Danny Bravman, Potomac) A: Oh, if it were only that simple. Q: So, which supermodel do you plan to have sex with? (Russell Beland, Springfield) A: This year, a group of semi-professional puppeteers are bringing "Hansel und Gretel" to the tiny building, built in Philly in 1876. Q: What is it that you're sure I won't mind missing the Super Bowl for? (Russell Beland, Springfield) A: It doesn't matter. Q: What do the French think? (Brad Suter, Charlottesville) A: He wouldn't wear his name tag. Q: How was Osama able to slip unnoticed out of Afghanistan? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A: "Our castle is in the mall." Q: What is the slogan of Jewish American Princesses? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A: "Oh, Steve, we called your name hours ago." Q: What is the last thing I want to hear at the MVA? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) ====================================================================== WEEK 506, published May 18, 2003 Week 506: The Battle of All Mottoes The CIA: Why are you asking about our motto? The Department of Transportation: Oddly enough, we don't transport much of anything. This week's contest was suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield, who points out that most federal agencies and departments have mission statements, but no mottoes. He proposes that you provide a slogan for any federal government agency, department, office, etc. First-prize winner gets a Stan Musial porcelain bobblehead doll. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Tuesday, May 27. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Joseph Romm of Washington. Report from Week 502, in which we asked you to provide an explanation for any of these cartoons. Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) It took the future Mrs. Ashcroft several months of practice before she was able to hold all the required cardboard pieces in place while coming out of the shower. (Rodrigo Sanchez, Montgomery Village) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon C) Harold was the only tourist at the Kyoto temple trying to catch dragonflies using the "traditional" Japanese method of sucking them into a toilet paper tube, and he began to think the monks were pulling his leg. (William MacDonald, Alexandria) First Runner-Up:(Cartoon F) What happens when you're only MILDLY scared. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the winner of the model of the world's first armor-covered ship: (Cartoon A) Even the White House Easter Egg Roll was infected by the administration's war fever. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A Steve's stress therapist advised him to relax by blowing soap bubbles and popping them. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Principal Schneider reverses the school's zero tolerance policy. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Former dot-com millionaires now have to settle for riding virtual polo ponies. (Russell Beland, Springfield) New PGA rules allow competitors to adjust Tiger Woods's lie before each shot. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Geneva Collins, Silver Spring) At the Style Invitational holiday party, people entertain the crowd by banging their butts with a mallet until a Christmas ornament pops out of their nose. (Anthony DeVico, Alexandria) Some guys get really mad at nothing. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) John McEnroe was a bad sport at croquet, too. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cartoon B Calista Flockhart rues her winning eBay bid for Marilyn Monroe's bikini. (Geneva Collins, Silver Spring) What if Eve used fig BARK instead of leaves? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Cartoon C The Pentagon's lesser-known Archie Bunker busting bomb. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) After the success of the MOAB, the Pentagon experimented with the UBILAB, the Unemployed Brother In Law of All Bombs. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke) A scene from the reality show "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire With Mismatched Clothes and a Stick of Dynamite in His Mouth?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Clarence had heard that to be a New York cabbie, you had to have a turbine. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cartoon D Having learned that one wears a toga to a toga party and pajamas to a pajama party, this recent immigrant prepared herself for her first block party. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) The highlight of the tribute dinner to Albert Einstein was having the emcee squared. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Wanda misunderstood the advice: She thought she would get better gas mileage if she bought a compacted car. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) When cubism petered out, so did Lola's career as an artist's model. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Alice figured she couldn't go wrong wearing basic block. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) One of the contestants on the sequel to "Mr. Personality." In this, a man must choose from a group of women based on the premise that what really attracts a man to a woman is "her mind." (Susan Reese, Arlington; Talia Greenberg, Washington) This would be Herblock's cartoon of American Idealism trapped in the box of Unprincipled Old World Power Politics, but Staake can't draw like Herblock could. (Kenneth S. Gallant, Little Rock, Ark.) This is what $350,000 gets you in Potomac. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Cartoon E Curiously, Ron looked absolutely normal in the fun house mirrors. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Why basketball teams no longer recruit seven-foot players sight unseen. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Thanks to photo finishes, Carl was in great demand as a jockey. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Percy quickly learned never to storm into a biker bar and yell, "Gimme a longneck -- NOW!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cartoon F Few people know syrup of ipecac is an excellent remedy for writer's block. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Eric found out too late that his system was not compatible with Adobe. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) No matter how much he complained, the loud noises in the roach motel still kept Alvin up all night. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 507, published May 25, 2003 Week 507: Crocktails The Department of Edjoocashun: Skyy vodka, Absolut vodka, and Kool Aid. The Trent Lott: White wine with bitters, on the rocks. The Strom: Southern Comfort, Old Granddad and prune juice. Taken intravenously. This week's contest was proposed by Catherine Messina of Alexandria, who suggests that you follow the trend of trendier bars, which are creating interesting "signature" cocktails. Catherine invites you to come up with a drink named forsomething or someone associated with Washington, and to describe the drink, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a hand-crafted, limited-edition wooden replica, suitable for mounting, of the Casino Windsor in Windsor, Ontario. It was donated to the Style Invitational by: No, we couldn't read it either. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, June 2. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is byPhyllis Kepner of Columbia. Report from Week 503, in which we asked you to produce Muldoons, in homage to the Pulitzer Prize-winning poem of Princeton professor Paul Muldoon: With a toe in the water / and a nose for trouble / and an eye to the future / I would drive through Derryfubble. Your Muldoon had to be a single quatrain containing at least one rhyme, two body parts, and a geographical location. Third Runner-Up: A diamond from Africa, financed from Ronnie, And the next seven years with your nose to the grindstone; But here's a suggestion: If you've got the honey Her finger would never suspect it's a rhinestone.(Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: With toes on my foot And my foot in a sock And a sock on my other foot, I wore shoes in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) First Runner-Up: This poem is stoopid, ungainly, perverse, It's leaden, and puerile, and couldn't be worse. But it rhymes, mentions "earlobe," "mustache" and "Milan" So send me my Pulitzer, quick as you can. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the winner of the Mcedo, a banana-leaf penis-cap from Malawi: A dyslexic In Pueblo Can't tell his sas From his eblow. (Chris Doyle, Burke) Honorable Mentions: For a jab below the belly, Or a kick between the knees, Avoid a major owie With a mcedo from Malawi. (Carl Katz, Potomac) Her birth month is October But she's hopin' that some dope'll Put diamonds on her ears or hand (She just Constantinople). (Greg Arnold, Herndon) The candidate's got teary eyes, His liver's soaked with Hennessy, His depression's understandable, He lost his own state -- Tennessee. (Nick Dierman, San Francisco) I open my eyes -- Las Vegas! How nice! But I'm missing a kidney And packed in ice. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Rest your weary feet in Intercourse, Pee Ay. Let your eyes take in The land of the lay. (Mark Young, Washington) Fevered brows, runny noses, Failing lungs, inflamed mucosas. Get out of Toronto Pronto. (Chris Doyle, Burke) His hand on her knee, Orlando told Doris: "I'd sure like to tickle your Rectus femoris." (Dr. Steve Fahey, Kensington) An agile young lass from Fort Hunt, Liked to crack open nuts as a stunt; Brazils with her toes, Pecans with her nose. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) With 12 toes in the water, And nine noses for trouble, And eight eyes to the future, I would blast Earth to rubble. (Eyakmnahtanoj, Alpha Centauri) (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) With some tripe about tonsils and toenails, And some crap about Cork and Kinnitty, I would sure put one over, begorra, On the Pulitzer voting committee. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) My head in the sand? My legs in the rubble? I'm in Samarkand. What you bombed was my double. (Sandra Segal, Rockville) Our throats are not sore, Our cool brows feel like spring, Tourists please come to visit: No one's sick in Beijing. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) What a splendid old cosmos we live in! Its errant delights know no bounds. For the "Isles of Langerhans" are body parts And "Elbow" and "Gizzard" are towns. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And Last: A special award of a T-shirt and corn plaster for: Sand crud in my eyes, Long hikes, tired thighs. Blisters on feet -- Get me out of Tikrit. (Capt. J.C. Spugnardi, 2nd Force Reconnaissance Company, 1st Marine Expeditionary Force, Occupied Iraq) ====================================================================== WEEK 508, published June 1, 2003 Week 508: Letter Rip Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.(David Genser, Arlington) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous "Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass. (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Coiterie: A very very close-knit group. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) This week's contest has been suggested, over the years, by literally dozens of clueless readers from around the country. These people's only contact with The Style Invitational occurs online, and consists entirely of having read the excellent entries like those above, ripped off from a long-ago contest. They have evidently concluded that The Style Invitational is a dreadfully boring and unimaginative contest that, week after week, for years and years, has been inviting readers to take a word from the dictionary, add, change or delete a single letter, and redefine the word. And so every so often, out of the blue, we get an entry from one of these people! This has been going on for years! These people's entries are invariably terrible. So finally, we decided, what the hell. Here we go. One more time. First-prize winner gets an amazing prize donated to The Style Invitational by the Post's Food section: Four promotional place mats produced by the Australian meat and livestock industry. Each depicts, in the style of a different classical artist, people eating lamb chops. It is priceless. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, June 8. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week 504, where you were invited to come up with schmaltzy last lines appropriate to Style's "Life Is Short" Sunday feature. Fifth Runner-Up: But she looked at me and said, "It's okay, Mommy, my fish is in Heaven with Grandpa." (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: And I reflected on how "Torah" and "Koran" are spelled, realizing that the two religions differ not one bit in the middle, only at the fringes. (Leonard Greenberg, Sterling) Third Runner-Up: Now I know that a Full House beats anything. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: "Father," I decided, means more than just combining "fat" and "her." (Patrick Sheehan, Wheaton) First Runner-Up: As a quadriplegic, maybe I can't clap my hands or stamp my feet, but I'm happy and I know it, and I can shout "Hurray!" (Beth Baniszewski, Cambridge, Mass.) And the winner of the book and calendar of celebrity gravestones: And then it came to me that today is nothing more than tomorrow's yesterday, and I was no longer afraid. (David Ronka, Charlottesville) Honorable Mentions: Sometimes the cook needs the chicken soup the most. (Joseph Romm, Washington) If there are two sides to every equation, then I am the equal sign. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And I realized, at last, that it's time for a nice long swim in Lake Me. (Kelly Hyson, Wheaton) And that is why I measure my life not in years, but in smiles. (Brian Barrett, Bethesda) By then, it hardly seemed to matter. (Dan Rosen, Washington) I decided to give each and every one of my Beanie Babies a hug, even the ones that have lost 90 percent of their value. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Crying is sighing squared. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A crack in your Dale Earnhardt collector's plate affects the value only if you plan to sell it. Ever. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Saying goodbye can be just as beautiful as saying hello. (Leigh Schneider, Weston Act, Australia) And now I know why "diapers" is an anagram of "despair." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) What followed was an unearthly silence, like when a tree falls and there is no one to hear it, except this time it was I who wasn't there. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) Because light reflecting off a gin bottle will never match the sparkle in a baby's eyes. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) You see, little Josh had painted the dog as a birthday gift to me. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Fatherhood is a man's job. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Now the only thing that comes between me and my spouse is a hyphen. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Next time around, I will be that swan. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Because when you look out a window, you never know who is looking back in at you. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) And I realized I had known it all along. (Dan Rosen, Washington) As that little girl looked at me across the room, I wished I'd had a hundred kidneys. (J.D. Berry, Springfield) After all, the White House isn't just white. It's also a house. (Beth Baniszewski, Cambridge, Mass.) When I laughed at death, it just sat there, like it didn't get my little joke. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) I knew then that the space bar is no place to meet someone. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Sure, my wife is pregnant. But I am pregnant, too, with love and concern for her. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) I look forward to God's explanation. (Paul Kraft, Bethesda) Tears, after all, water the soul. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Happiness lies somewhere in the middle, between zero and infinity. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) ====================================================================== WEEK 509, published June 8, 2003 Week 509: Be a Real Card In the bank of truth You've made a deposit Congrats on coming Out of the closet. Excessive kids make a guy Look like heck to me -- Please accept my best wishes On getting your vasectomy. This week's contest was proposed by Bird Waring of New York. Bird suggests this flight of fancy: Come up with a greeting card rhyme for an un-greeting-card occasion like the ones above. First prize was donated to The Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. It is a fabulous matched set of thong panties and T-shirt, each featuring the likeness of the erstwhile Iraqi minister of information and his signature line, "My feeling, as usual we will slaughter them all." First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, June 16. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Sara Ulyanova of San Pedro Sula, Honduras. Report from Week 505, in which you had to come up with novel ways to spend $1 million that would confer no benefit on anyone, except for the joy of stupidity: Third Runner-Up: Spend half to create a better mousetrap and the other half to genetically engineer a craftier mouse. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: Give every single American taxpayer a half-cent refund! (G.W. Bush, Washington) (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) First Runner-Up: Hire O.J. to find the real weapons of mass destruction. (Charles Star, New York) And the winner of the especially badly rendered JFK commemorative plate: Purchase 14.28 seconds' worth of commercial time during the Super Bowl and read a list of the 10 people to whom you would have given $100,000 each, had you not blown the money on the commercial. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Purchase the largest ball of twine, located in Cawker City, Kan., and hire Lily Chin, the world's fastest crocheter, to produce a cozy for the world's largest teapot, located just outside Chester, W.Va. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington) Extend the Orange Line toward Dulles 13 more feet. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Add Al Sharpton to Mount Rushmore.(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Give it to Mrs. Sese Seko, to tide her over until she can get all her money out of that Swiss bank. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Spend it all on books advising you how to invest your money. (Sarah Abernathy, Arlington) File a class-action suit against myself, settle out of court, and pay a $1 million fine to the government without admitting wrongdoing. (Katherine Walkden, New York) Build the Tomb of the Unknown Politician. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia; Richard Lempert, Arlington) Fund a scientific study, including extensive market research, to find out the best thing to do if someone gives you $1 million. (Betsy Pankey, Falls Church; Dave Edelschick, Manassas) Play enough skee-ball to finally win that giant stuffed llama. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Buy one of those Honus Wagner baseball cards and use it to light a cheap cigar. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Pay Woody Harrelson $1 million for permission to sleep with Demi Moore. (Bill McDonald, Alexandria) Sink it into R&D for a penis-reducing cream. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) For its immense symbolic value, transport one of those Saddam statues from Iraq to the inside of a maximum- security cell at Marion Federal Penitentiary. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Arrange, when the sad time comes, for a new pair of shoes to be placed daily on the grave of Imelda Marcos. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Buy all your neighbors' extra zucchini. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) Fund the cast of "Happy Days" in a production of "The Marriage of Figaro." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Set up a booth at a job fair and hire people to set up booths at job fairs that hire people to set up booths at job fairs . . . until the money runs out. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Create the world's first Reverse Pyramid Scheme by sending the million dollars to one friend and telling him to send $100,000 to ten other friends, instructing THEM to send $ 10,000 to ten other friends, and so on, until a million people each get one dollar. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Spend it on a lobbying campaign to change the name of the yucca plant to something nicer. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Spend it on a grass-roots lobbying campaign to change the name of the Washington Capitals to the Washington Capitols. (Ted Frank, Arlington) Fund a commission to study ways to improve alphabetical order. (Put all the vowels together, move B and D farther apart to avoid confusion, etc.) (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Pay for the naming rights to the Wilson Bridge, and name it "That There Bridge" (Peter Ostrader, Rockville) Buy 529,100 16-pound bags of ice. At $1.89 a bag, that would amount to $ 999,999, leaving a dollar tip for the kid who brings it out to my car. (Jay King, Rockville) Undercoat every Gremlin still on the road. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Help one of the nation's troubled airlines stay in business another 20 minutes or so. (Russell Beland, Springfield) How about 14,000 stars all officially renamed "Debbie." (Russell Beland, Springfield) And Last: I'd use the million bucks to do whatever it says in the winning entry. (Jayson Blair, New York) (Russell Beland, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 510, published June 15, 2003 Week 510: Universal Embarrassment This Week's Contest was suggested by Corey Hinderstein of Arlington. He thought of it while watching the Miss Universe Pageant. The final interview consisted of dippy softball questions submitted by the contestants themselves (True example: "Would you rather be fire or water?") Your challenge is to pretend that you are in a position to slip a bogus question into the stack that are going to be asked. What would you just love to see asked live, on national TV? Please remember, we can print only entries that are printable. Thank you. First-prize winner gets two products. The first is a promotional package containing revolutionary new fungus-defeating women's underpants by Hygeia. It fits hip size 36-38. The second is a can of Microwaveable Spotted Dick, an English-style dessert product from Heinz. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, June 23. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 506, in which we asked you to create mottoes for federal agencies. Many, many people proposed that the Department of Defense adopt the motto "The Best Defense Is a Good Offense." Fourth Runner-Up: U.S. Postal Service: When It Absolutely, Positively Has to Be There in About a Week or So. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.; Sanford Horn, Alexandria) Third Runner-Up: Department of the Interior: Only YOU Can Prevent Forests.(Joe Braverman, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: Internal Revenue Service: Complete Worksheet A of Form 483 (b) to See if We Care. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: Office of the Naval Inspector General: Yes, We've Heard It. No, We Don't Think It's Funny. (Marc Leibert, New York) And the winner of the Stan Musial porcelain bobblehead doll: 1) Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service: We Offer Meaningful Conciliations, Unlike the Unreasonable Hammerheads at the National Mediation Board. 2) National Mediation Board: We Specialize in Realistic Mediation, Unlike Those Meshugenehs at the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Honorable Mentions: Federal Interagency Committee for the Management of Noxious and Exotic Weeds: How Do You Pin the Ocean to the Sand? (Dana Howell, Dothan, Ala.) The IRS: Shock and Audit. (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.) Legal Services Corp.: The Best Defense That $19.95 Can Buy. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) National Institute on Aging: Celebrating Our 39th Year! (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Immigration and Naturalization Service: Bringing You a Kinder and Gentler Xenophobia. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) IRS: Why Is Taking Your Money a Service? It Just Is. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Environmental Protection Agency: Define 'Environment.' (Michael Kane, Fort Collins, Colo.) U.S. Secret Service: Only Five Out of Forty-Three Ain't Bad. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) Department of the Interior: Do You Want Fires With That? (Eric Gallagher, Frederick) Patent and Trademark Office: Send Us Your Idea for a Slogan. (Jim Wilson, Arlington) Department of Defense: The Big Stick. (Robert Carlisle, Arlington; Judith Cottrill, New York) Department of the Interior: Oddly, All Our Stuff Is Outdoors. (Julie Brinkman, Frederick) NSA: Actually, the Helicopters Are More of a Navy Blue. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Department of Education: Give Me a Teacher, and I Learn for a Day. Teach Me to Teach and I Become Heuristic. (Kaz Aames, Warner Robins, Ga.) CIA: The White Swans Fly North for the Potatoes. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) NSA: You Think We Are the Thought Police, and We Know You Think That. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) Department of Defense: The Only Department With Its Own Museum of Iraqi Antiquities. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Department of the Interior: We Don't Need No Stinkin' Badgers. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Department of Defense: They Started It! (Baran Alpturk, Istanbul) Department of Homeland Security: If You Feel Safe, We're Not Doing Our Job. (Tim Kauffman, Alexandria) Federal Election Commission: One Man, 0.87 Votes. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Food and Drug Administration: You Would Think Our Parties Wouldn't Suck, Wouldn't You? (David Rogers, Aurora, Ill.) Department of Defense: Because . . . Well, Just Because. (Fred Hutto, Houston) Office of Insular Affairs: Our Motto Is Our Business. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Bureau of Engraving and Printing: The Curiously Powerful Mint. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Institute of Museum and Library Services: No, We Don't Have Change for the Copier. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) NASA: Coming Soon to Your Backyard! (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Bureau of Consumer Protection: Got Bilk? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) TVA: Dam and Dammer. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) U.S. Marshals Service: For the Last Time, One L, Not Two. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) ====================================================================== WEEK 511, published June 22, 2003 Week 511: It All Impends This Week's Contest: In each of these cartoons, something unusual is about to happen. Tell us what it is. Explain as necessary. First-prize winner gets a necklace and earring set donated to the Style Invitational by Valerie Holt of Fort Washington. Ms. Holt, 10, fashioned the jewelry herself from vertebrae of a deceased raccoon. It is priceless. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the midly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, June 30. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week 507, in which you were asked to come up with and name cocktails for the Washington area. Many people suggested "The Beltway," consisting of sloe gin and molasses. Third Runner-Up: The Bill Bennett: Cherry brandy, cherry Coke and a cherry.(Sara Ulyanova, San Pedro Sula, Honduras) Second Runner-Up: The Al Gore: A tall drink, conspicuous by its absinthe. Just order "a stiff one." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) First Runner-Up: The Jesse Jackson: Schlitz, Manischewitz and a spritz of slivovitz, with a chaser of Rhine wine, moonshine and quinine. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) And the winner of the wooden replica of the Windsor casino: The WMD: Only water, but somehow, you still get bombed. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: The Packwood: Aged Oregon wine. Stir with your tongue. Serve with an aged Old Grand-Dad chaser. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The Defense Department: A bottle of Bud. $235. (Marc Leibert, New York; Bob Bonsall, Bryans Road, Md.) The Ford's Theatre: A shot of Booth's dry gin. It goes right to the head. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.; Gary Patishnock, Laurel) The Legislative Process: Each person in the bar adds one ingredient of his own choosing. (Michael Burgess, Germantown) The Marion Barry: Coke over cracked ice. It is customary to order this by saying, "Bitch, set me up!" (Bird Waring, New York) The Gary Condit: O.J. with a twist. (Geneva Collins, Silver Spring) The Jordanpollin: Oil and water. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) The Henry Cisneros: Tequila with a little honey on the side. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The IRS: A bloody mary made with your own blood. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) The Bob Dole: Stout and pineapple juice, served straight up. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) The Stephanopoulos: Ouzo, Squirt. Always pour short. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) The Tourist: Take one measure of vodka, then add -- wait, no, start with one measure of gin, then add a measure of vod . . . no, it's 11/2 measures of vodka, then add creme de cassis -- what on Earth is creme de cassis? Can I just add cherry brandy instead? Then add orange juice -- ewww, this isn't like the orange juice back home -- and garnish with a slice of lime. It costs HOW MUCH??? (Ron Bottomly, Columbia) The Miss Manners: A cordial, neat. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Rummy: Rum, piss and vinegar. (Ben McCulloch and Laurie McCabe, Falls Church) The Wizards: Take any draught selection, allow it to go flat. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The U.S. Forest Service: A clear lager. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The Trent Lott: Separate but equal parts Kahlua and cream. (Jeff Tomasevich, Washington) The Dick Cheney: A glass of red wine, daily. (Carrie Foster, Washington) The Presidential Cabinet: Rum, just rum. (John Tuohy, Arlington) The Czar: Use only the best ingredients. Measure the proportions precisely. Serve in the finest crystal. Then pour down the toilet, because The Czar isn't going to like it, anyway. (Roy Ashley, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 512, published June 29, 2003 Week 512: Live On, Sweet, Earnest Reader Al Gore: A LOSER! Game over, robotic environmentalist. Rumsfeld: "Real unilateralism means spanking France en la derriere." Bob Dole:"Buy old blue, dysfunction's over, love Elizabeth." This week's contest was proposed by Malcolm Fleschner of San Mateo, Calif. Malcolm suggests that you take the name of any person -- living, dead, fictional -- and use the letters of his name, in succession, to form the first letters of an expression appropriate to that person. Yes, it's hard. First-prize winner gets a spangly, furry, hootchy-kootchy outfit that Charo might agree to wear if she were really, really plastered. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, July 7. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week 508, in which you were asked to take any word, add, subtract or alter a single letter, and redefine the word. Sixth Runner-Up: Philaunderer: He may hop from bed to bed, but he always washes the sheets. (Malcolm Fleschner, San Mateo, Calif.) Fifth Runner-Up: Guiltar: A musical instrument whose strings are pulled by your mother. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Fourth Runner-Up: Whorde: A group of prostitutes. (Bird Waring, New York) Third Runner-Up: Bigmoidoscope: A very scary doctor's instrument.(M.K. Phillips, Falls Church) Second Runner-Up: Errorist: A member of a radical Islamic cult who blows himself up in a mannequin factory. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) First Runner-Up: Palindromeo: Casanova von Asac, a legendary 18th-century seducer, later revealed to have gone both ways. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) And the winner of the artsy place mats depicting people eating lamb chops: The Fundead: Corpses who walk around at night with lampshades on their heads. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Honorable Mentions: Tskmaster: An ineffective slave driver. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Forkplay: A lavish dinner date, in the hope of getting lucky. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Calculust: Figuring out exactly how much to spring for forkplay. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Grbc: A quarterback who is the consonant professional. (Tom Greening, North Bethesda) Persuede: To convince a person with a little gentle kidding. (Tom Greening, North Bethesda) Apocalypso: Day-o, me-day-day-day-ay-o. Doomsday come, and me want to go home. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Nimby-pamby: Not being able to decide what to keep out of one's back yard. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Hippopotamush: Love letters from Marlon Brando to Star Jones. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Spentiments: Afterglow. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Defizit: It's big, it's ugly, it keeps growing, and it's only going to get more painful. (Bill MacDonald, Alexandria) Ptna: A euphemism for liver spots. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Siddhmartha: A young Indian mystic who discovers the true meaning of life as a ferryman serving only the finest in freshly caught, hickory-grilled and lightly lemon-seasoned fillets. (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) Horspice: A glue factory. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Satisfarction: A fatal heart attack suffered during intercourse. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Nominatrix: A spike-heeled woman who controls the selection of candidates for party whip. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Concupiscience: Conducting an empirical study of Internet porn for, um, a doctoral thesis. Yeah, that's it. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Wisenheifer: A calf who sneaks up and tips over sleeping cows. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Idiotarod: An annual Alaskan race in which morons pull huskies sitting on sleds. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Sitcoma: Typical TV fare. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Amenstruation: The answer to prayers about a potential surprise pregnancy. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria) Dummary: An unnecessary explanation of a patently obvious concept. (e.g.: "Dummary: an unnecessary explanation of a patently obvious concept.") (Mark Bowers, Alexandria) Diddleman: A person who adds nothing but time to an effort. (Mark Bowers, Alexandria) Origasmi: The Japanese art of folding paper marital aids. (Philip M. Cohen, Washington) Urinpal: A guy who uses the one right next to you even though all the others are unoccupied. (Dominic Casario, Tampa) Rescute: Saving the attractive women, children and puppies first. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Teim: Well, okay, now there's an I in team, but . . . (Russell Beland, Springfield) Platyplus: A mammal with webbed feet, a duck bill, and opposable thumbs. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Masturpiece: The best-picture winner in the Porn Awards. (Mark Young,Washington) Inmomnia: When a woman lies awake all night, waiting for you to call, just like she's waiting through backaches and morning sickness, for nine months. (Mark Young, Washington) Claptop: A portable computer that's been infected by a virus. (Luke Wassum, Washington) Frognostication: The science of predicting what day the following month that France will surrender. (Gary Krakower, New York) Washington Pist: The Letters to the Editor page. (Marc Leibert, New York) Precrastinate: "Do I eat the cookie before I watch 'American Idol' before I do my homework, or do I watch 'American Idol' before I eat?" (Marc Leibert, New York) Restituition: The justification for stealing everything you can from the college dining hall. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Compenisate: To buy a red Porsche for reasons you don't quite understand. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Eficient: Extremely efficient. (Chris Said, Baltimore) Pollitician: Same as politician. (Joe Braverman, Silver Spring) Nuculear: Referring to atomic energy.(George W. Bush, Washington) (Roy Ashley, Washington) Pestidigitation: How the exterminator makes the cockroaches magically disappear, then reappear soon after he leaves. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Chuck U. Smith: What people say every time they read the Invitational and their entry isn't in. (John Kupiec, Springfield) Vamplitude: A measurement of female seductive talent. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) ====================================================================== WEEK 513, published July 6, 2003 Week 513: It's Delete We Can Do Want to get an advanced degrie? See grandmas in the altogether! We know a gerbil with a secret crush on YOU! This week's contest was proposed by Jean Sorensen of Herndon. Your job is to come up with very bad subject lines for spam e-mail -- lines that will guarantee instant deletion, sight unseen. First prize winner gets a fabulous prize: a necktie promoting knowledge of colorectal cancer! It is a nice blue, and features hundreds of little representations of the human colon and rectum. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, July 14. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Report from Week 509, in which you were asked to write Hallmark Card rhymes for non-Hallmark occasions. Fourth Runner-Up: We feel your loss, it's surely no fun, Worse than fire, or flood, or a gash when you're shaving, But what's done is done, and cannot be undone -- You Ctrl-Alt-Deleted without saving.(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Third Runner-Up: Sorry the rats you bought, Stanley and Iris, Gave you and your family the monkeypox virus, I regret that unfortunate fever and rash, But returns are for store credit only, no cash. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Second Runner-Up: You wanted no truck so You got something dumber, You parked like a schmuck so We booted your Hummer. (Sugar Strawn and Jack Welsch, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: Snip, tuck, sew, tie, hips, butt, nose, eye. Congratulations on your surgery. Your face may be a small white lie, But your body's flagrant perjury. (Josh Tucker, Kensington) And the winner of the thong panties and T-shirt with the likeness of the former Iraqi minister of information: Although you were never charged with a crime We want to thank you for serving your time For weeks, for months, for over a year How could your freedom compete with our fear? How could we doubt the Department of Justice Saying "no need for evidence, you'll just have to trust us." Until finally you walked out the door, And though we've done nothing to apologize for Please accept from us, a grateful nation, Our thanks for your incarceration. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: It's bad your misdeeds all precede you, You're both jackass and hyena -- I've chased you round, all over town Congrats on this subpoena. (David Whitten, Annandale) Although your crime Was shocking and venal, Here's hoping your sentence Isn't too . . . penal. (Dave Scott, Broadway, Va.) All my best for accepting Jesus as your savior. Perhaps when He returns You'll be out on good behavior. (Michael Gips, Bethesda) Life seldom is fair, It sticks in our gizzards To hear of your trade To the Washington Wizards. (Edward C. Nykwest, Reston) Son, we're proud of you As we kin be That you done passed Your GED. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Two hundred seventy-seven days Plus fifty-four years Would seem an odd age to praise (But I am bold.) Mankind can define its periods In whatever way we wish You've just reached two myriads, (Twenty thousand days old!) (Kenneth S. Gallant, Little Rock) Though your copied copy Made your editor sick, We hope you will survive And get real, quick. (Bill Moulden, Frederick) You won't miss a minute Of the playoff. There's always a bright side . . . Happy layoff. (Tara Kennedy, Silver Spring) When I spew exclamations like "Sweet Holy Lord!" You will have to excuse my vernacular. What I'm trying to say in my own special way Is "Congrats! The new boobs are spectacular!" (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) A miracle like this Bespeaks some real endurance, I'm thrilled to hear you saved Fifteen percent or more on car insurance. (Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Bethesda) I had my doubts -- You aren't able, But congrats on assembling Your Ikea table. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) I try to be subtle and gentle But my subtlety always gets trumped By the fact that you're totally mental, So consider yourself gently dumped. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) No more mortgage, toil or strife, No more trying to get ahead. You've earned your respite from this life, Congrats on finally being dead. (Keith Thorne, Alexandria) We ex-employees have taken to drinkin' And it's only 'bout you that we (burp) talk. So it's only of you we'll be sittin' round thinkin' As we toast your upcoming perp walk. (Jason R. Meyers, Charlottesville) Of penis enlargement news You'll soon be a fount. Best wishes on the occasion Of your new Hotmail account. (Steve Denyszyn, Toronto) Good news from the good Dr. Tweak, gynecology, Your pap smear reveals a quite normal cytology, But, oops, more results here, and lest we forget it, It appears that you're pregnant, obese, and herpetic. (Jan Verrey, Alexandria) We just got cussed out by the hospital doc, And we think that on us you're too hard, Who knew that a flare-up of insulin shock Could be caused by a real Hallmark card? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A thousand thank-yous can't convey My gratitude and great surprise I'm flattered that you would select My article to plagiarize. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Your paranoia's cured! You must feel brand new! Please accept my best wishes. Sincerely . . . guess who? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 514, published July 13, 2003 Week 514: Ask Backwards WMD-40 Porky McBeal Just the Parts You Can See Once in a Blue Moonves Woody Allen's Analyst Ben Aflack Because It Just Sounds Wrong A Concerto in Lee Majors Wheee Monsieur Because It Could Cause Asphyxia Paris, Zurich and Certain Parts of West Virginia Chilean Sea Bass, but Not George W. Bush This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are your answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more. First-prize winner gets Amber InsectNside Candy, which is a big appetizing hard candy containing an actual dead cricket larva. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@ washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, July 21. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Elinor Braun of Herndon. Report from Week 510, in which we asked you to sneak a bogus question in during the final interview segment of the Miss Universe Pageant. Third Runner-Up: If the United States decides to impose "regime change" on your country, would you prefer that it use precision-guided munitions, cruise missiles or Special Forces commandos? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: There are many problems facing young women in the world today, such as bulimia and anorexia. Which do you think is a more effective weight-loss method? (Jennifer Wildt, Zunyi, China; Colette Zanin, Greenbelt) First Runner-Up: What idiotic custom or religious ritual does the most to reinforce unfair stereotypes we all have about your country? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the winner of the Baghdad Bob T-shirt and thong: Let's say you're at home with your roommate and your younger sister, the three of you wearing flimsy negligees and sucking on popsicles. What is your favorite color? (Jack Welsch and Sugar Strawn, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: Would you rather be a quadratic equation or a cake mix? Why?(Trish Hackman, Springfield, and Maureen Langan, New York) How would you dispose of a body really fast, like if the cops were on the way to your house? (Glenn V. Morrison, Atlanta) Say this quickly 10 times: I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Here's a check for $25,000. Will you take it and drop out now, or take your chances on what is, at best, a 1-in-10 shot? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) In order to save the rest of humanity, how many puppies would you be willing to personally strangle to death? (Joseph Romm, Washington) What are your hygiene tips and tricks for masking the fetid body odor so common among your countrymen? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Does it bother you to think that somewhere in Kansas, or Rawalpindi, or Kuala Lumpur, there's a 12-year-old boy who's been denied all access to porn, cable or R-movies, and watching you and your fellow contestants walk around in swimsuits and high heels is the most erotic thing that has ever fired up his hormonally driven imagination? (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Will you be my mommy? (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) How do Bruce Banner's pants stay on when he changes into The Hulk? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Which historical figure do you think had the best skin? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Had you known he would NOT be judging tonight, would you still have slept with Jamie Farr? (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Name something you accomplished in your life without planning to use it one day on your pageant rsum. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) How will you wield the awesome power of this office to pacify war-torn Congo? (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) If you could date any one of the Brothers Karamazov, which one would it be, and why? (Jennifer Wildt, Zunyi, China) We know that beauty pageants have been criticized for propagating negative body image in young women. Would you support letting big, fat, slobby girls into beauty pageants? (Jennifer Wildt, Zunyi, China) Have those been in your immediate possession at all times? (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) Okay, miss, I don't know what you are trying to pull here, but what have you done with the REAL representative of your country? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) My son is getting bar mitzvahed next month. Can you make it? (Larry Cynkin, Kensington) Please compare and contrast the existentialist philosophies of Jean-Paul Sartre and Martin Heidegger, with specific attention to their views on the nature of death, or just jiggle your boobies a little. (Daniel Mannion, Manassas) How long can you keep a smile on your face? Go ahead, we'll time you. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Is the following statement about you true or false: You are not the kind of person who wouldn't oppose the idea of not taking a negative stance against those who do not fail to protest the opposition to legislation that would legalize child pornography? (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) ====================================================================== WEEK 515, published July 20, 2003 Week 515: A Cellebration of Tasteful Living This Week's Contest was suggested by Joel Knanishu of Rock Island, Ill. Anticipating a prison sentence for Martha Stewart, Joel suggests that you come up with ways that Martha can prettify and improve her new surroundings using only her skills, her impeccable taste and those resources available to her. First-prize winner gets a vintage Wireless brand cloth ice bag, circa 1949, in its original box. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, July 28. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Sean Cain of Hyattsville. Report from Week 511, in which you were asked to look at these cartoons, and tell us what is about to happen in any of them. Fourth Runner-Up: (Cartoon E) This blonde is about to throw out her watch because there are no "tocks."(Pete Hughes, Alexandria) Third Runner-Up (Cartoon D) Corporate America is going to eat the U.S. Capitol for lunch. Again. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Second Runner-Up (Cartoon F) In the bare-knuckles world of fine art, Frankie is about to learn the hard way not to cut into Piet "Dutch" Mondrian's turf. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon C) Having received the Holy Mackerel she requested, Carol waits with some trepidation for the Holy Cow. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the raccoon-vertebra jewelry: (Cartoon B) Sadly, Carl's new Global Toilet Positioning System for the Blind is about to fail him. (Dave Hebda, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: The FBI man is about to discover that Jimmy Hoffa sleeps with something less appealing than the fishes. (Thad Humphries, Warrenton) The Czar is about to find next week's grand prize. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Inspectors are about to declare victory by discovering Saddam's Weapons of Biomass Destruction. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Cartoon B: The new direct-to-your-head satellite receiver makes you feel you're in the thick of the action. Here, Pete is about to receive the snap from center in the Skins-Giants game. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Cartoon C: Next, a bicycle is about to fall out of the sky on Gloria Steinem. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.; Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) The woman is about to say: "Are you deaf, God? I asked you to grant me a WISH." (Richard Wong, Derwood; Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Myrtle's doctor is about to diagnose a severe case of carp tunnel syndrome. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Minutes later, Bob Ryan will finally admit error. He had predicted cats and dogs. (Bob Grossman, Columbia) A very large pelican is about to drop something else on this woman's head. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bertie Bass is about to test the widely held fish theory that humans are cold-blooded, and thus feel no pain when bitten. (Mary K. Fitzsimmons, Reston) Thelma is about to be struck by lightning because she kept the Chilean Sea Bass. (Debbie Patrick, Mount Airy) Debbie has just died, and she and her sole are about to go to Heaven. (M.K. Phillips, Falls Church) Cartoon D: Tarzan's new butler is about to seriously regret having lied about being "expert on vine swinging" on his rsum. (I-Li Sherwood, Arlington) What happens next is that the guy explains: "Oui, Monsieur, is very simple. I pull on elephant, ze tail, he does his business, I clean up ze mess on zis covered Limoges platter zat has been in my family for generations. After all, monsieur, I am not just a, how you say, carny. I am a Frenchman." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Ralph the butler is about to experience the rich person's version of "Go ahead, pull my finger." (Mary K. Fitzsimmons, Reston; John Kupiec, Springfield) Cartoon E: Any second now, Joan's time-release breast implants will inflate. (Joe Braverman, Silver Spring) Let's just say you don't want to be standing between this lady and the Twinkies when her biological clock stops ticking. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) If she has to wait for him at the top of the Empire State Building one more second, what's likely to happen is Cartoon F. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Calista Flockhart is about to tip over, unable to support the weight of her new wristwatch. (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Cartoon F: The world is about to lose its greatest newspaper impressionist, as he attempts to imitate the crossword, the fashion section, the comics and the stock market report all at the same time. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Pretend cat ears: $4.99. Ugly plaid shirt: $ 29.99. Nine hits of PCP: $ 300. Learning you aren't a calico cat that can land on its feet when dropped from great heights: priceless. (Amy and Christian Clymer, Washington) Well, one thing that won't be happening next is this guy trying to steal Madonna's bra again. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Sadly, Nick was about to find out that, while applicable in certain life-threatening mountaineering situations, chewing one's arm off will not save oneself from falling to one's death. (Bryan Utter, Gaithersburg) ====================================================================== WEEK 516, published July 27, 2003 Week 516: Err Apparent 1. At traffic court. 2. In a job interview. 3. To a waiter. 4. To a car salesman. 5. To your best client. 6. To Saint Peter. This Week's Contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Come up with unwise things to say in any of the above circumstances. First-prize winner gets "Bosom Friend," an elegant, antique 1940s-era lace pouch, still in its box. "Bosom Friend" was to be pinned to one's brassiere. It held "mad money," for use when a date went bad. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 4. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 512, in which we asked you to use a person's name as an acronym for an appropriate description or quote: Third Runner-Up: Most advisers recommend to hold assets. "Sell this evening," Waksal advised. "Repent tomorrow."(Bill Kivela, Ellington, Conn.) Second Runner-Up: "How insignificant little lying angers Republicans! Yes, repeatedly, our deeds have animated malicious conspiracies, letting ideologues nefariously terrorize our nation." (Malcolm Fleschner, San Mateo, Calif.) First Runner-Up: Christopher Histopher, Reads Invitationals (Style), triumphantly Obtaining prize. He enters readily, Doubledactylically. Ostentatiousness? Yes! Let's euthanize. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) And the winner of the Charo-like costume: "Yo, Ariel Sharon! I'm really a Rumsfeld agent fighting Arab terrorists!" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Honorable Mentions: Gutted economy? Overspent? Ruined global ecology? We'll beat up Saddam Hussein! (William Bradford, Washington) "My income can't handle another [expletive] lawsuit -- jury awards certainly kill spending on noses." (Norm Hecht, Golden, Colo.) See how effortlessly rational, logical observation cracks knotty headaches open -- leaving merely elementary solutions. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) "Regarding our budget: Everybody resents taxes, everybody hates reductions. Let's invite casinos here!" (Eileen S. McClellan, Stevensville, Md.) Ear, meter, iambs -- Listless -- Your Dashes inserted ceaselessly -- Keep irritated Novices Struggling on -- needlessly -- (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) "Babe, Outlaw Blues dnnh yrrr lfff ann nghh." (Roy Ashley, Washington) Minced in ladies' things on national broadcast -- everyone's raucous laughter ensued. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) "Jethro, Ellie's dog's cryin' like a moon possum eatin' turned tuna!" (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) Clearly had extensive renovations. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Highly impassioned liberal loves a redneck yahoo; reaches office despite his amorous misadventures; could land in national ticket one November. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) " . . . respect. Other day, nurse enters yelling, 'Doctor, anesthetic's nuking guy's epidermis!' Replies fellow: 'Inspected epidermis -- let die.' " (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) My reckoning: "Scarlet, Wrench, Hall" in the envelope. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) "Me? One naughty intern. Clinton? Acting like everything was, incredibly, not sex. Ken? Yuck!" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Haters of W., awake! Real Democrat detected! Electable? Alas, not. (Sarah Manchester, Silver Spring) He opposed war and rouses do-gooders; Democrats envision another Nader. (Kevin Tingley, Fairfax) He is forever lost, alas: gone, silenced, through our neglect. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Face it, dude, everyone's laughing. Communism's a stale theory, rendered obsolete. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) "Movie insufficient! Kill ending, edit, insert sappy new ending reel." (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) A liberal fraud -- really a nitwitted keister, entertaining nobody. (Sanford Horn, Alexandria) Serve effectively. Return everything. Nail all. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Loose lips of yenta deluxe gush reverently or vilify entirely. (Rabbi Michael Bernstein, Longmeadow, Mass.) Dull as vanilla in dotage, but once was innovative eccentric. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) "I contracted a really unbelievable sunburn." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) "Koreans, I'm making jokes over nukes! God, I'm loony!" (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) What if legitimately legal information effectively helped opponents reach their own nominations? (Greg Arnold, Herndon) "Eccentric lunatics vouch I survived." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Austrian Republican now ostensibly loves Democrat Shriver. Can't he wed a Republican zealot? Enough nonsense, eh? Get Gingrich's entire Rolodex! (Joe Braverman, Silver Spring) Maybe all Lower Virginia's oblivious. (Joshua Kaplowitz, Alexandria) "Might I suggest that everyone request pasta, or tomatoes, avoiding tubers? Or have every available dish [+T][+e][+x][+-][+M][+e][+x]." (Russell Beland, Springfield) My appearance reeled in lovers, yet none made overly nice relationships (outfielders excepted). (J.J. Gertler, Alexandria) Pistol resting in a pocket? Uh, sure. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) "See Constitution as 'living'? I'm against!" (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) "Sodomy? Can't allow lovin' in . . . arrears." (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) Only jury suspected imaginary murderer perpetrated slashing of Nicole. (Joe Braverman, Silver Spring) During another nightmarish season, new younger defense errs regularly. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Another Democratic loser; alas, ill-advisedly spoke truth. Egghead voters evidently not sufficient of number. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Made a roast; traded her accomplice's stock; tried everything -- wriggling, acquiescence, recriminations: Toast! (Stephen Kann, Clifton) "My applique rose tablecloths help a slammer turn elegant, with a raffish touch." (Holly Hacker, Columbia, Mo.) Slugger admits mallet modification, yields squat on steroid assistance. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Trumpeted hate, ultimately reconsidered. Married old. Now dead. (Ken Stern, New York) "Seems that really old man truly had united races," muses outcast nonwhite daughter. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Eisenhower-appointed Republican liberally went about radically reconstructing entire nation. (Greg Krakower, New York) Baritone artist requires requiem: yon walrus's hits induced tumescent eros. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) This is golf's exalted ruler, winning often over demoralized schlemiels. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) "Answers like enquiries!" Xanadu? Tyrannosaurus rex? Eggs Benedict? Evel Knievel? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Temperamental humor editor collates zaniness about rectums. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Just one entrant can acquire Charo kitsch. Losers express relief. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) ====================================================================== WEEK 517, published August 3, 2003 Week 517: Insert Joke Here This Week's Contest was suggested by Hank Wallace of Washington. Inspired by our recent contest to slip in a question to ask Miss Universe contestants, Hank proposes that you slip a single bogus sentence into next year's State of the Union address, figuring the Prez will probably just read it right off the teleprompter. First-prize winner gets a "Keen Eddie" dartboard, with magnetic darts, a rather elaborate and expensive promotional item from Fox, featuring photos of principals from the new Fox TV show of the same name. Fox was hoping for good publicity, and we're happy to give it: The "Keen Eddie" dartboard is a class act, well-conceived and well executed, unlike the vapid TV show. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 10. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required forentry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. There is no revised title for next week's contest because they all stank. Report from Week 513, in which we asked you to come up with Subject lines guaranteed to cause a person to delete an e-mail, unread. And no, we aren't playing favorites. We are playing LPMOE, the diversity-scorning game played by the Last Pure Meritocracy On Earth. Third Runner-Up: tH!s 1s n0T «@M!!!¨ Ope No / /!!!!! Qqr pblt(Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring; Josh Feldblyum, Potomac) Second Runner-Up: An important message for you from Lyndon LaRouche's nephew. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: Earn Thousands Through Hard Work and Diligence! (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) And the winner of the colorectal necktie: Meet LONELY MARRIED WOMEN who want to go shopping for window treatments with your wife! (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: Michelle, enlarge your penis NATURALLY! (Michelle Bowen-Ziecheck, Chicago; Joe Morse, Burke) First time ever, the 1936 Republican Convention on CD! (Dean N. Alterman, Portland, Ore.) I found you on classmates.com -- you slept with my mom 18 years ago. (Jacki Lippman, Washington) You may have won a trip to East St. Louis! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) See Britney Spears in a heavy parka! (Michael S. Golden, Wichita, Kan.) THE WOMEN OF HAMAS! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Need Help With Your Resumay? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) I am Lulu, voluptuous, horny, and 13. Contact me at OPERATIONJAILBAIT.gov (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) We are just barely 18, and we have print cartridges! (Luke S. Wassum, Washington) No nipples? No problem! (Roger Strukhoff, Danville, Calif.) This is the seventh-to-last-time you will receive this message! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Stop paying for barium enemas! (Ranald Totten, Kitty Hawk, N.C.) Free screen saver -- The Faces of Smallpox (Michael Beller, Potomac) An important message for below- average male drivers! (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Lose 40 Pounds TODAY! (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Help me find myself! Send $$$ (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Unemployed Telemarketers Need Your Help (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Want a king-size F.I.S.T.U.L.A. in one week? (Bella Stander, Charlottesville) You may already have won a necktie promoting awareness of colorectal cancer! (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria) Hot Afghan women in skimpy burqas! You can almost see their ankles! (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Fat Tony & Co. will take care of your debt FAST. (Michael Hurwitz, Chevy Chase) Urgent Assistant required for penniless beggar. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Free! Alex Trebek's guide to Balto-Slavic pronunciation! (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Gals, get droopier breasts! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Watch TEENAGE GIRLS taking the SAT exam! (Bella Stander, Charlottesville) Defeat the Do-Not-Call Censorship Nazis! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Deposit $100,000, get FREE CHECKING (Courtney Knauth, Washington) Get Your Internet Provider to Add Al Jazeera (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Three out of two people win at the Nigerian Powerball! Why not you? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Teach your pet monkey to yodel (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) Lonely singles in your area looking for help moving to a five-story walkup this weekend! (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Sign Up Now for Glorious Martyrdom Operations (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Subjects needed for genital wart lancing tests. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Make Your Wife Think You Are Bob Dole in Bed! (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Did you know you can REQUEST an IRS audit? (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) SEE DON ZIMMER NUDE (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Please help me check my computer: Is this attachment a virus? (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Master Tic-Tac-Toe in 30 minutes! (Roy Ashley, Washington) Old joke, but still funny (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Alan Greenspan-Andrea Mitchell honeymoon video XXXX (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And Last: Make big Buck$ selling colorectal neckties! (Susannah Maisel, Bowie) ====================================================================== WEEK 518, published August 10, 2003 Week 518: Say, Kids, What Time Is It? "You know it's time to leave the restaurant when you see that every table has its own Roach Motel." "You know it's time to find a new job when your health insurance premiums are higher than your salary." This Week's Contest was suggested by Carmen T. Kitt of Charlottesville. Your job is to fill in the blanks in the following sentence: "You know it's time to -- -- -- when -- -- -- ," as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a really bizarre prize donated by Brendan O'Byrne of Regina, Saskatchewan. It is a set of 25 really fancy vintage rag-paper coupons -- each is as elaborate and uncounterfeitable as a dollar bill -- good for a grand total of $6 off any purchase from Canadian Tire Ltd. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 18. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Mark Young of Washington. Report from Week 514, in which you were invited to give "Jeopardy!"-like questions to answers we supplied. Third Runner-Up: Answer: Porky McBeal. Question: What character was played by Calista Blockheart? (Roy Ashley, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Answer: Because it could cause asphyxia. Question: In Scrabble, why should you never come up with "asp" pointing toward a triple word score? (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) First Runner-Up: Answer: Chilean Sea Bass, but not George W. Bush. Question: Who knows where Chile is? (Joe Cackler, Falls Church; Sue Lin Chong, Washington) And the winner of the hard candy with an embedded cricket larva: Answer: Paris, Zurich, and Certain Parts of West Virginia. Question: Where is it not permissible to marry one's sister? (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: Ben Aflack Who is the co-star of the 1997 film "Good Duck Hunting?" (Tom Campbell, Highland Park, Ill.; Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Which insurance company covers butt-related injuries?(David Moore, Odenton) Who used to date Gwyneth Poultry? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Who said, "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man less of a liability risk"? (Carolin Murphy, Fayetteville, N.Y.) Just the Parts You Can See Is Madonna a real blonde? (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) What is missing from the government's case for Iraqi weapons of mass destruction? (Mike Genz, La Plata) WMD-40 What is the lubricant Dubya used when he slipped it to us about the war? (Dan Gray, Spotsylvania, Va.) What do you use when your launch key sticks? (Karen Toner, Rockville; Bird Waring, New York) In personal ads, what is the abbreviation for a middle-aged white male dork? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Woody Allen's Analyst Who has even greater job security than Robert Downey Jr.'s bail bondsman? (Fred Wichham, San Francisco) Who is the only person still interested in Woody Allen's neurosis? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Paris, Zurich, and Certain Parts of West Virginia Where is it hard to get understandable directions in English? (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Where has the cutting of cheese taken on the status of an art form? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse) Where might a purse made out of aluminum foil and duct tape be considered fashionable? (Mike Genz, La Plata) Because It Just Sounds Wrong Why don't people ever order Koong Phat Prik at Thai restaurants? (Lori Olcott, Seoul) Why should you never compliment your wife afterward by saying, "You handled yourself like a real pro"? (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) Once in a Blue Moonves How often does The Style Invitational print one of the 6,713 identical entries that say, "How often do people under 40 watch CBS?" (Daniel Mauer, Silver Spring) A Concerto in Lee Majors What is even less interesting than a concerto in Lee Marvin? (David Moore, Odenton) Porky McBeal What are they calling the new ham-cube-on-a-toothpick appetizer at McDonald's? (Fred Wichham, San Francisco) In a universe far, far away, who is dating Ham Solo? (Josh Tucker, Kensington) Because It Could Cause Asphyxia Why don't they serve franks 'n' beans 'n' beer on the space shuttle? (Stephen Fahey, Kensington) Why did Pamela Anderson decide not to breast-feed her babies? (Judith Cottrill, New York) Why should you not hold your breath until the Gephardt campaign catches fire? (Mike Genz, La Plata) Chilean Sea Bass, But Not George W. Bush What should be grilled over mesquite, instead of by a Senate committee? (Roy Ashley, Washington) Which is less likely to have offspring that are stewed to the gills? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Who goes deep? (Paul Kundrav, Harrisonburg, Va.) The loss of what creature would be seen as a tragedy for environmentalists? (David Rogers, Aurora, Ill.) What does Rush Limbaugh enjoy tearing into as often as possible? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Who is afraid of global warming? (Mike Genz, La Plata) Whee Monsieur What would be a good name for a brothel in Marseilles? (Jim Anderson, Corvallis, Ore.) What is a memorable line from the French remake of "Deliverance"? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What is the most popular ride at Six White Flags Amusement Park? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 519, published August 17, 2003 Week 519: Hey, Baby, What's Your Sector? "Someone stole my heart, and the FBI considers you a person of interest." "If you were OMB draft circular A-561, then my public comment would have to be, 'Yowza!' " "Care to come by my place and search for my weapon of mass destruction?" This Week's Contest was suggested by Andrew Goldberg of Potomac, who invites you to come up with pickup lines that could be heard only in Washington, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a vintage, framed "American Commemoratives" announcement by the U.S. Postal Service, including four stamps, commemorating the 1973 issuance of a Lyndon Johnson stamp. It includes a highly complimentary summary of his life and works by Lady Bird, neglecting to mention Vietnam. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 25. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week 515, in which you were asked to come up with ways Martha Stewart might make a prison stay more stylish and/or livable. A Loser T-shirt goes to attorney Karen Bond of Reynoldsburg, Ohio. Karen writes that an "awesome" cheesecake can be fashioned from Cremora, Oreo cookies and milk stolen from the prison kitchen, and that toilet paper and wire hangers stolen from the officers' supply cabinet can make a passable Christmas wreath. This may not be pant-wettingly funny, but it has the considerable virtue of truth. Karen did three years in the federal pen for interstate securities fraud. Stealing, she warns, "can land you in the hole. But guards can be bribed." Second Runner-Up: Persuade the warden to upgrade the electric chair to a Louis XIV.(Milo Sauer, Fairfax) First Runner-Up: Give a special name to each of your head lice (e.g., Wilberforce). (Maureen and Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the antique ice bag: Flypaper can do an excellent bikini wax. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Press wet paper napkins into shape of pistols; let dry. Color with shoe polish. Save for that special weekend getaway. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Using lint from laundry, make an attractive shiv cozy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Mark Leibert, New York) Turn catfights into refereed bake-offs. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) If prison deals you rock piles, make rock gardens. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Wet TP spitwads flung at cell walls make excellent faux stucco. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills; Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Mashed potatoes applied to bars can simulate Doric columns. Use fingernail or back of spoon for fluting. Or try small cauliflower florets at the capitals for a whimsical faux Corinthian. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Be like the Birdman of Alcatraz, but turn the pigeons into squab. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Convert shank to oyster knife. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Cellmate's femur can be carved into a relief of the gods of Olympus frolicking on the Elysian fields. If you're bad enough. (Russ Beland, Springfield; Rose McNeely, Bethesda) Set fire to cell in order to get that special smoky flavor in the mouse kebabs. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Step 1: File ends of matchsticks into sharp points. Step 2: Push matchsticks into bar of soap so point ends stick out. Step 3: Scare off cockroaches by placing heads of their dead on the ends of the sticks. Step 4: Wash hands thoroughly using mild hypoallergenic astringent. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Make a dining hall fork into a crochet hook, then use blanket thread to make a cardigan for your pet rat. (Russell Beland, Springfield) For 50 packs of smokes, the screws will smuggle you in a nice tea cozy. (Russell Beland, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 520, published August 24, 2003 Week 520: I, Object This Week's Contest: These items were ordered by well-known people. Who ordered them, and why? First-prize winner gets a Hubert Humphrey-shaped bottle, still in its box, from the 1968 presidential campaign. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 1. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phyllis Reinhard of East Fallowfield, Pa. Report from Week 516, in which you were invited to come up with unwise things to say in given situations. Fourth Runner-Up: In traffic court: "Ooooooh, big, bad traffic court judge. What are you going to do, FINE me?" (Daniel Mauer, Silver Spring) Third Runner-Up: To Saint Peter: "It's a pleasure to finally meet you! And how are Mrs. Claus and the elves?" (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Second Runner-Up: To your best client: "You're not wearing a wire, are you?"(Roy Ashley, Washington) First Runner-Up: In traffic court: "So I was holding that round thingie in front of me, pressing those buttons on the floor with my feet, when . . ." (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) And the winner of the 1940s-era Bosom Friend mad-money pouch: To a waiter: "You call this lemonade, jerko? Why, it's barely yellow! Bring me some better stuff." (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Honorable Mentions: To Saint Peter "Oh, c'mon, the only bad thing I ever did was rob some schmuck to pay Paul." (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) "This reminds me of a joke. Gimme a sec." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Where's the big guy? I don't want to talk to some flunky." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Once you're in, you're in, right? I mean, it's not like anything you do on the inside can get you thrown out, right?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "You got ID? Because you could be Saint BERNARD, for all I know." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) At Traffic Court "I couldn't stop because the coffee I was drinking would have spilled on the newspaper I was reading to a friend over my cell phone." (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria) "Omigod, could you possibly talk any slower? I haven't got all day. Comeoncmoncmoncmoncmon LET'S GO." (Michael Burgess, Germantown) "Yes, your honor, I was speeding, but you have to understand that if the drug deal I was heading to fell through, the guy would squeal about the ho I had to kill last week." (Alan Middleton, Gahanna, Ohio) "I was a little depressed that night, your honor. You know, the way you must feel about being a judge in traffic court." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Your honor, when I entered the intersection the light was the color of this $20 bill, if you get my drift." (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) "Your honor -- I have of late, but wherefore I know not -- lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the Earth, seems to me a sterile promontory. Can you cut me a little slack?" (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) "Well, if I have to call you 'your honor,' then YOU have to call ME 'your majesty.' " (Fil Feit, Annandale) "So I was carefully driving down the road -- vroom, vroom -- when I gently turned -- skreek erk errrrr -- and . . ." (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) To a Waiter "You silly Chinaman -- there's no food too spicy for me!" (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) To a Car Salesman "Golly, the paint and interior are so nice. Is there anything I can do to protect them?" (Toby Bell, Lake Forest, Ill.) "So what's it gonna take for me to drive off this lot today in one of these babies?" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) "Options? Just give me whatever you think I need." (Andrew Hall, Highland, Md.) In a Job Interview "I dunno. What did I claim in my resume?" (Larry Phillips, Falls Church) "The supervisor in my last job will be able to give you a good assessment of what I can do. Here's her home phone number. If you don't want her husband to answer, let it ring once, hang up, and call back five minutes later." (Mike Hammer, Arlington) "Do employees get their own gun lockers?" (Mike Hammer, Arlington) "I like to think of myself as a secretary AND a poet." (David Ronka, Charlottesville) "Am I correct you are not allowed by law to ask me if I have a prison record?" (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) "I know it's a 3 p.m. interview, but I was waiting here since 12:30. I'm not saying anyone is gonna come asking, but in case they do, I've been here the whole time, okay?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) "So, what games are pre-installed on your hard drive?" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) "Will I be given frequent breaks so I can apply salve to my carbuncles?" (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) ====================================================================== WEEK 521, published August 31, 2003 Week 521: Hyphen the Terrible Pow-land -- A very, very touchy and hostile Eastern European country. Capital: Warsore. Virgin-liable -- Subject to the laws of statutory rape. Depart-fighters -- Cowards. This week's contest: You know the drill. Take the first half of any hyphenated word in today's Washington Post (or Tuesday's USA Today) and combine it with the second half of any other hyphenated word in the same story, and define the new word it produces. Make sure you tell us what story you used, and on what page it appeared. The examples above are taken from an Aug. 18 story in The Post. First-prize winner gets a George W. Bush dog squeak toy. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 8. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass. Report from Week 517, in which you were asked to come up with a line to be secretly inserted into George W. Bush's teleprompter for his next State of the Union message. Third Runner-Up: And now if we'll bow our heads for a moment of silence on the loss of Uday and Qusay . . . (Lisa M. Greenhill, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Like most college men, I did "experiment" with homosexuality . . (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: America is built on the hard work of nonprofit organizations, so I would like to pay tribute to just one representative group: the Pleasant Valley Pheasant Pluckers. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) And the winner of the dartboard from the "Keen Eddie" TV show: "Green Dodge Caravan, Virginia plates, your lights are on." (Craig A. Zimmerman, Manassas) Honorable Mentions: Good night, and may God damn the United States of America.(Ben Aronin, Pasadena, Calif.) I'm about to appoint an ambassador to Bimini; what am I bid? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Members of Congress, there are going to be some changes made because this building is now surrounded by special forces loyal only to me. (Russell Beland, Springfield) I'd like to recognize some special people we have here as guests tonight, and what do you know, they all happen to be minority types! (Russell Beland, Springfield). Seriously, you're a great crowd. So, where you from? Anybody from Lubbock? (Russell Beland, Springfield) In addition to an Axis of Evil, I have also found an Axis of Unsavoriness, and even an Axis of Generally Poor Manners. (Russell Beland, Springfield) I have not had impure thoughts about any woman, at all, at any time, and you know I'm telling the truth because if I wasn't, I'd have a big goofy smirk on my face. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Some have asked if my tie is too tight, others have questioned my amphetamine psychosis . . . (Don Jernigan, Shreveport, La.) I think of Hillary at the strangest times. (Don Duggan, Bethesda) I shall make it my duty to eat a kitten for breakfast every day. (Marc Leibert, New York) This State of the Union speech has been brought to you by Mirror Image Teleprompters Inc., purveyors of the most reliable public speaking equipment available today. (Joshua Kaplowitz, Alexandria) I repeat my promise to personally pay for the college education of every American citizen who cannot afford it. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) In answer to my critics, I know you are, but what am I? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And so I offer my resignation as president of the United States, effective immediately. (Richard Cheney, Washington) (Joseph Romm, Washington) I'm being held hostage in a White House speech-writing sweatshop -- please help me. (Martin Schulman, Herndon) And tonight I am departing from the usual format by asking that you not interrupt me with those annoying rounds of contrived applause (wait for applause.) (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) I wish to announce my conversion to Islam. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) What's all the whining about unemployment? All MY friends have jobs. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) If I felt that even one American was dissatisfied with the way I am running this country, I would resign immediately. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Global warming can be reversed if everyone just turned his air conditioner around. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Anyone who disagrees is welcome to come up here now and speak his piece. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) But you didn't come here to listen to me blather about security and slowly take away all of your freedoms in the name of protecting them. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Nod your head and look serious, then smile before saying the next sentence. (Larry Phillips, Falls Church) Tonight, we salute three heroines of the Iraqi war: Ima Lyonson, Uffa Beech, and Ivana Runnagen. (Charles Koelbel, Houston) In addition to finding out about their uranium, we also have credible evidence that it was Iraq who let the dogs out. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Senator Kennedy, is something funny? Perhaps you'd like to share it with the rest of the room. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) ====================================================================== WEEK 522, published September 7, 2003 Week 522: Being There This Week's Contest was suggested by Hank Wallace of Washington: Set the agenda for a flash mob, one of those existential, Web-arranged, sudden, pointless, instantaneous but brief gatherings of people at odd places, to do odd things. (Recent D.C. example: Seventy-five strangers met at a bookstore, went to the magazine rack and began reading aloud to each other.) First-prize winner gets an elaborate Jackie Chan action figure that was distributed to the media by Tri-Star Pictures in the hope of good publicity for Jackie's new film, "The Medallion," which is, we have been informed, crap. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 15. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 518, in which you were asked to complete the phrase "You know it's time to ---- when ------." Second Runner-Up: You know it's time to think of another excuse when the dog actually eats your homework. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) First Runner-Up: You know it's time to quit drinking when your clothes are constantly chalky from outlines drawn by the smart-aleck neighborhood kids.(Milo Sauer, Fairfax) And the winner of the coupons from Canadian Tire: You know it's time to feel good about yourself when, in a contest of arbitrary rules, one group of strangers whom you probably wouldn't like very much if you actually knew them defeated another group of strangers employed by a corporation from a city geographically farther from your home than the corporation employing the first group of strangers. Yep, that really validates your existence. (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: You know it's time to get that toothache looked at when your diet consists of Cheez Whiz and poi. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) You know it's time to get a new financial adviser when your first $300 million doesn't last you through your thirties. (M. Tyson, Bethesda) (Russell Beland, Springfield) You know it's time to buy your wife a $4 million ring when the best explanation you have is that it wasn't a felony, it was just a cheap sex act in a hotel room. (Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.) You know it's time to stop doing Mad Libs when crotchety howitzers bounce over your skanky pandemonium. (Mark Young, Washington) You know it's time to cut back on the gambling when the casino owner says, "Maybe you should take a break." (Mark Young, Washington) You know it's finally time to move out of your parents' home when you start sharing the denture cream. (Rebecca Wolfinger and Donn Viviani, Arlington) You know it's time to change the battery in the smoke detector when J. Lo gets married again. (April M. Musser, Arlington) You know it's time to get off the 'Net when you start counting the Orbitz games as exercise. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) You know it's time to clean the fridge when something says "Turn off the light!" every time you open the door. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) You know it's time to cut down on coffee when you can hear the dog-whistle. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) You know it's time to downsize when you have more toilets than people in your house. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) You know it's time to tell Vinnie who ratted him out when he drives you to the East River in a cement truck. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) You know it's time to get a prenup when your fiancee reads your investment statements to get herself "in the mood." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) You know it's time to legally change your name every time you try to get on an airplane. (O.B. Laden, Leesburg, Va.) (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) You know it's time to sell your biotech stock when it falls below 60, without any advance knowledge of any impending FDA announcements. (M. Stewart, New York) (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) You know it's time to wash the sheets when the dog insists on sleeping on the floor. (Audrey Liebross, Annandale) You know it's time to stage a big comeback when the statute of limitations runs out. (J. Hoffa, no fixed address) (Russell Beland, Springfield) You know it's time to change your bank when they ask you for change for a five. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) You know it's time to get a life when you think nothing of spending 16 hours to win $6 worth of new-tire coupons redeemable only in Canada. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills; Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) You know, it's time to start reading the contest rules more closely. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) ====================================================================== WEEK 523, published September 14, 2003 Week 523: Hard to Overstate Change 911 emergency number to 134599671A. Change license plate size to 1 inch square. Print newspapers with yellow ink. This Week's Contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. This is the ultimate old poop's contest idea, based upon the concept that the dadburn youth of today don't know how good they have it -- that life used to be much harder. Stephen suggests that you propose ways to make modern life just a little bit harder than it needs to be, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets an "Armpit of America" T-shirt from Battle Mountain, Nev. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 22. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thomas Witte of Gaithersburg. Report from Week 519, in which you were asked to come up with only-in-Washington pickup lines. Third Runner-Up: Excuse me, ma'am, but the gentleman at that table has sent you a FYH 2005 energy and water appropriations bill rider for a $52.3 million solid-waste treatment plant upgrade in your home congressional district, with his compliments. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: I'm guessing you work for Fannie Mae, because your fanny may be the best I've ever seen. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) First Runner-Up: Babe, why are you wasting your time with an assistant to a deputy secretary, when you could be with ME, a deputy assistant undersecretary?(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) And the winner of the the Lyndon Johnson commemorative plaque: Your beauty renders me as powerless as Del. Eleanor Holmes Norton. (Cindy Burnham, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: You're so hot that when you walk by on the street, half-smokes become whole-smokes. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) In full compliance with federal information statutes, I am required to disclose that I've fallen FOIA. (Bob Steck, Washington) How about if we get away somewhere and completely deregulate ourselves? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Boy, that dress you are wearing is the most effective Request for Proposals I have ever reviewed. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Your nomination for secretary of the posterior has been confirmed. (Luke S. Wassum, Washington) Hi, I'm here on an important fact-finding mission. What's your sign? (Michael Burgess, Germantown) Let's play Cabinet. You be the president, and I'll serve at your pleasure. (Jon Holmlund, Carlsbad, Calif.) Come here often enough for this to be your domicile for tax purposes? (Hank Wallace, Washington) May I take you to a motel? I promise this is just to seduce you and not to influence legislation. (Hank Wallace, Washington) My name is Bond. U.S. Treasury Series EE Bond. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) My intern doesn't understand me. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) You've been holding my eyes hostage all night, and I would like to negotiate a diplomatic resolution. (Michael Burgess, Germantown) Your basement-level Adams Morgan $1,600-a-month rat hole, or mine? (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) What a coincidence -- you have a cute bellybutton, and I work at the Naval Observatory. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Dick Cheney gave me a key to his secret undisclosed location, and it has a waterbed. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) If I told you your body reminded me of IRS form 10W-817a, would you withhold it against me? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) I work for the Bureau of Engraving. Would you like to come over and see my etchings? (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) Let's make like John Poindexter after knowledge of the terrorism futures market became public, and leave. (Noah Meyerson, Washington) Is that a Washington Monument paperweight in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? (Susan Thompson, Raleigh, N.C.) Is that a congressman in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? (Paul Styrene, Olney; Greg Arnold, Herndon) Did Matt Drudge drop you off here? Because you're a bombshell. (Ian Morrissey, Walkersville) Are you a spin doctor? Because I'm head over heels. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) ====================================================================== WEEK 524, published September 21, 2003 Week 524: Around Things Moving Frankenstein Young -- A rock documentary on Neil's hideously deformed older brother. Man Rain: A series of vignettes that take place at urinals. Wanda Called a Fish -- A very boring sequel to "The Horse Whisperer." This Week's Contest was suggested by Don Oldenburg, who sits near The Czar and, appropriately, is a recognized expert on the best places to take dogs to pee. Don's challenge: Take the title of any book or movie, rearrange the words, and explain what the new book or movie is about, as in the examples above. You must use all the words in the original title, and may not add or alter any words. (You may add or change punctuation.) First-prize winner gets something truly special donated to The Style Invitational by Kevin Mellema of Falls Church. This one-of-a-kind object may represent the most work, for the smallest return, of any product we've ever given away. It is a diorama of a plastic fawn on plastic grass that has been inserted into a sizable section of a real tree trunk. It is priceless. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 29. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 520, in which you were asked to identify which celebs ordered these objects, and why. Second Runner-Up (Cartoon B): After many failures, Mr. Whipple ordered this bath tissue and asked people to "please don't squeeze the Charmin or I'll have to scatter your brains all over the floor like I did to the guy who squeezed this."(Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Malcolm Fleschner, San Mateo, Calif.) First Runner-Up (Cartoon F): Zorro's friends knew he had fallen on hard times but were still dismayed when he ordered this, and they discovered he was now doing teen slasher movies. (Clyde Behney, Arlington) And the winner of the Hubert Humphrey-shaped bottle (Cartoon E): John Ashcroft ordered this statue of David, but wound up putting a lampshade over it. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Honorable mentions: Cartoon A: Emergency "Nose in a Box" ordered by Michael Jackson. (Francene Machetto, Arlington) A dummy, resembling someone sleeping under bedcovers, ordered by Bill Clinton. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) This specially designed lap blanket was ordered by Pee-wee Herman. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) It's a pulse, in an expedited order from Gray Davis. (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) Cartoon B: Hampered by budget cuts, D.C. School Superintendent Paul Vance had to resort to this cheaper, dumbed-down version of "Mutiny on the Bounty" for the new school year. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Cartoon C: After putting on a few pounds, Marilyn Chambers needs a customized green door to go behind. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cartoon D: Ordered by Gypsy Rose Lee, who needs an adhesive to quickly apply both pasties. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Ordered by David Letterman. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Bill bought this special Preparation H applicator in 1998 after Hillary tore him a new one. (Tom Madison, Alexandria) Cartoon E: A custom-made lamp for Gordon Lightfoot. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig ordered this as evidence after Ted Williams memorabilia started illegally showing up on eBay. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Cartoon F: Ordered by Wes Craven for his next film, "Nightmare on Sesame Street" (brought to you by the letter S and the color red). (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Sal Dali's tree needs a trim. (Andrew Elby, Arlington) Sammy Sosa swears that this bat, while not strictly regulation, is just for use during exhibitions. (Russell Beland, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 525, published September 28, 2003 Week 525: It Won't Belong Now This Week's Contest: Choose any straight row -- vertical, horizontal or diagonal -- and tell us which of the three cartoons does not belong, and why. First-prize winner gets one of the lamest marketing gimmicks we have ever seen: a board game based upon a new deodorant. Essence the board game promises to help you "discover your essence," which is "the good and the bad in guys that women find irresistible." Essence the deodorant, however, "helps guys smell great all over." First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 6. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 521, in which you were asked to take the first part of a hyphenated word in a newspaper story and combine it with the second half of a different word, and define the new word. Fourth Runner-Up: Cre-tinguished: Remarkably accomplished, for an idiot.(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Third Runner-Up: Piscat-alyst: Beer. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Second-Runner-Up: Short-zenegger: A man of small stature who compensates through weightlifting. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) First Runner-Up: Mex-ecution: Getting refried in the electric chair. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) And the winner of the George W. Bush squeak toy: Up-Johnson: Eponymous new product developed by Pfizer's main competitor, to compete with Viagra. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Honorable Mentions: Degen-ifer: To rid oneself of a bimbo one has seduced. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Pre-ballistic: The period between the admission of marital infidelity and the first mention of her sister. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Curb-cide: The act of attempting to kill oneself by jumping off sidewalk into gutter; tends not to be greatly effective. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Dis-sissippi: What Alabamians do because there's no one else to feel better than. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Grum-pany: Friends who come over just to gripe. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Pene-signed: Spelled one's name in the snow. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) La-tween: Where Tweety goes after too much coffee. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Victo-but: The war in Iraq. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Half-aster: A weak Nor'easter. (Milo Sauer, Faifax) Score-taneous: Very, very friendly. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Psychedel-alistic: Really boring hallucinations. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Eco-lion: King of the jungle, tundra, taiga, savanna, deciduous forest, mangrove, coral reef, riparian zones, littoral zones and xeric shrublands. (Chris Said, Baltimore) Kirk-state: Describing one who . . . speaks . . . in a halting . . . overwrought . . . fashion. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Illegal-and-a-half: Something you can claim is "not 100 percent illegal." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Paprika-strawberry: Only flavor worse than Clamato. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Absolute-tually: Certain to occur, someday. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Empower-ball: Special feminist Lotto. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Hip-fiving: Doing the bump. (Paul Hayes, Sydney, Australia) Don't-not: Do. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Wee-quarters: The men's room. (Marc Leibert, New York) En-dustry: The mortuary business. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) 48-year-hour: The hour it takes to get your results from a pregnancy test. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Burp-proach: A very ineffective strategy for picking up women in bars. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Burp-mas: Thanksgiving. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Fig-body: One who would look great dressed in a leaf. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Quarter-quarterback: A sixteenthback, e.g., Danny Wuerffel. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bar-skrit: An indecipherable message written on a cocktail napkin. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Perspira-entele: Customers at a spa. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Okla-homer: A proud Sooner alumnus. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Sis-lywed: A West Virginia bride. (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) Smack-doleezza: Trash talk done in the name of national security. (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) Be-lemmas: Existential questions. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Refus-sylvania: State of denial. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Har-bombs: Exploding cigars. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Illi-tio: Oral sex, performed in Georgia. (Jacke Blandford, Rockville) ====================================================================== WEEK 526, published October 5, 2003 Week 526: Conventional Wisdumb They say that the saddest words are "what might have been." Nah. What are the real saddest words? They say that "the love of money is the root of all evil." Surely, not the root of all evil. What else is the root of evil? "What this country needs is a good five-cent cigar," said Vice President Tom Marshall. There must be some product this country needs more, right? "Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration," said Thomas Edison. There's probably a more accurate formula, no? This Week's Contest was suggested by Chuck Smith of Woodbridge. Answer any of the above questions. First-prize winner gets an "Armpit of America" T-shirt from Battle Mountain, Nev. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 13. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills, Md. Results from Week 522, in which you were asked to come up with concepts for a "flash mob," those spontaneous, Web-generated, pointless gatherings of strangers. But first, a brief public service announcement: Readers frequently ask the Czar why some contest results extend to the full length of the page and others take up less space. The answer is simple: The Czar will publish only those entries worthy of print; if the results of a particular contest are weak, that contest will be allotted less space. Occasionally, in fact, when the results are really weak, it becomes necessary for the Czar to pad the space himself, with gaseous, self-referential monologues, to create the visual illusion of editorial substance. He generally accomplishes this with elaborate explanations of his job, as though everyone is dying to know the minutiae of the judging process. Yes, this is boring and assaultive and a waste of newsprint, but the alternative is unthinkable: a Style Invitational so brief, so abbreviated, that Washington Post sachems might conclude that the contest is past its prime and kill it in favor of one of those slap-happy, advertising-driven marketing features that are all the rage; or, worse, yet another "I'm such a little ninny please help me cope with my superficial life" advice column, proving that we are have become a squishy-soft, naive, decadent society of increasing irrelevance to a world more hardened by adversity, more willing to embrace change in a global renaissance that will pass us by. The Czar, in short, is always placing the readers, and his country, first. Back to the "flash mob" results. Third Runner-Up: Meet at a Safeway and celebrate a Redskins win by pouring Gatorade on each other's heads. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Second Runner-Up: Show up for the Marine Corps Marathon, and at the starting gun, race off in all directions. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: Show up at a McDonald's and have every person try to order something McDonald's doesn't sell -- a Whopper with cheese, a mocha grande, a 1987 Cadillac, a pound of fava beans, a John Deere tractor, etc.(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) And the winner of the Jackie Chan action figure: Assemble at my house today at 3 p.m. with a rake. Silently rake and bag leaves for 20 minutes. At 3:20 lift your rake over your head and shout, "Boomchukkalukkalukka!" Extra bags are on the picnic table in the back. Don't forget to take the bags of leaves with you when you go! (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) Honorable Mentions: Sell out a showing of "Gigli." Stand up and walk out after the coming attractions. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Bring foam "We're No. 1!" hands, air horns, etc., and watch and root for chess players at Dupont Circle. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Go to every Safeway in the area and buy up all the hearts of palm. Do this every week for two months, then stop. See if you can get them to, like, order waaaay too much hearts of palm. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Go to Hains Point, stand over "The Awakening," and shout encouraging things like "Hang in there, Jimbo, help is on the way." (Mark Young, Washington) Go to a Krispy Kreme and "spot" each other, like at a gym, while eating doughnuts. "One more, one more! Embrace the pain!" etc. (Bird Waring, New York) In some public place, a whole mess of people start reading each other The Washington Post article that described the flash mob phenomenon. Then they all say things like "Whoa, dude, we gotta try that." (Scott Kominers, Bethesda) ====================================================================== WEEK 527, published October 12, 2003 Week 527: Rite of First Defusal * When realizing that your fly has been open for some time. * To the doctor, during a prostate or OB/GYN exam. * To the boss, when he catches you visiting adult Web sites. * After rear-ending someone at a stoplight. * After committing a social error in a crowded elevator. This week's contest, which was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Olney: Come up with witty or bizarre things to say to defuse the tension in awkward moments such as those above. You may use any of the above scenarios, or any other similarly awkward situation. First-prize winner gets a soap dish shaped like a bathtub and a pen shaped like the continental United States. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 20. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. The winner of this week's contest is Danny Bravman of Potomac. Results from Week 523, in which we asked you to propose ways to make modern life harder than it needs to be. For some reason, this contest brought out the geeks. Many, many entries -- with no apparent sense of irony -- read like this: "Reconfigure Excel without disabling the serial ports to access sufficient RAM for most applications, then stand back and watch the mess." Also, Marc Leibert of New York reports that he knows a woman who programmed all the phones in her house to speed-dial 911: "So to dial it now," he writes, "you have to hit Memory-1-6. She doesn't understand why this is funny." Third Runner-Up: It is no longer sufficient to clean up after your dog. By law, you must catch the offending substance before it hits the ground.(Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) Second Runner-Up: Replace the computer mouse with two Etch-a-Sketch knobs. (Jim Risner, Greenbelt) First Runner-Up: Presume innocence. (John Ashcroft, Washington) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) And the winner of the "Armpit of America" T-shirt from Battle Mountain, Nev.: Eliminate surnames, as in the old days. (Danny the Elder, son of Joseph of Great Neck) Honorable Mentions: Drive-on-the-left-side-of-the-road Thursday. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Supermarkets arrange goods alphabetically: Lettuce, lamb and Lysol are now contiguous. (William Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Convert stoplights to stopspeakers. (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) Introduce "17-29 Items" lanes at the supermarket. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) ATMs require a urine specimen. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Install speed bumps on the Beltway. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Bob Wallace, Reston) Standardize the size and shape of all keys, so the only difference between them is the variation in the teeth. Also, make key rings and key chains illegal. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Replace friendly, knowledgeable humans with an automated voice that prompts callers to ceaselessly punch buttons until they no longer remember why they called or even have the will to live. Oh, wait . . . (Marie Harris, Elkridge) Adapt to all appliances the "Are you sure?" message that computers demand before deleting something. Microwave a burrito: "Are you sure?" Change the channel: "Are you sure?" (Will Cramer and Julie Thomas, Herndon) Make "pumping" gas literal. (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) All pills must be suppositories. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Lather. Rinse. Calculate the cube root of the number on the bottle's bar code. Repeat." (Michael Denyszyn, New York) Bicycle-pedaled flush toilets. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Diplomacy. (George W. Bush, Washington) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The terms "Inner Loop" and "Outer Loop" are replaced by "Clockwise" and "Counter-Clockwise." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Sell tires only in multiples of seven. (Joel E. Baker, Monterey, Calif.) Mandatory fee of a nickel if you hum or whistle a copyrighted song. (Joel E. Baker, Monterey, Calif.) Viagra takes 2 days 4 hours to become effective. (Marc Leibert, New York) Install toilet paper dispensers just out of reach, so you have to stand. (Mike Fransella, Arlington) Phone book arranged in alphabetical order -- by first name. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Adopt California recall rules for all government positions. If you get 500 signatures and a filing fee, you can recall your postman. (Kevin d'Eustachio, Linwood, N.J.) More buttons on the TV remote. (Russell Beland, Springfield) HOV use now requires three humans, a dog and a family of chickens. (C. Amor Kramer, Honolulu) All election punch cards must be completed in reverse; i.e., stick chad into the holes you don't want punched. (Kevin d'Eustachio, Linwood, N.J.) Subdivide time zones into 60 parts, observing local time to the minute. (Danny Bravman, Potomac; Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) ====================================================================== WEEK 528, published October 19, 2003 Week 528: Ask Backwards Mary, Susan and Beyonce Loaves and knishes Hamsters, Poi and that Britney-Madonna kiss Anthony "Big Pancreas" Santucci Yasser Arafat but not Daffy Duck Daffy Duck but not Ariel Sharon Benedict Arnold Schwarzenegger Only People who are very skinny Because you need the right undergarments It's like a peanut, only bigger A toaster and Antonin Scalia, but not a Reuben sandwich This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? First-prize winner gets a 1976 vintage ceramic plate celebrating the splendors of the town of Brunswick, N.Y. (e.g., "The Old Soup House"). First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 27. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills, Md. Results from Week 524, in which you were asked to scramble the words of any book or movie, and come up with a new product. An extraordinary week; great entries, and in great numbers. Good ideas too popular to reward with prizes: Ferris Bueller's Off-Day (a boring movie); Mr. Washington Goes to Smith (the father of our country as a cross-dresser); The Rye in the Catcher (a documentary on alcoholism in sports), and The Wrath of Grapes (various vegetal revenge scenarios). Sixth Runner-Up: The Brief Pelican: Impressed with the success of the Aflac Duck, the Hanes underwear company signs a new mascot. (Gene McMath, Reston) Fifth Runner-Up: Kampf Mein: And other German-Chinese recipes.(Bob Wallace, Reston) Fourth Runner-Up: "Space A: 2001 Odyssey": Student filmmakers park a two-year-old Honda minivan in Daniel Snyder's reserved spot at FedEx Field and recount the action as it unfolds. (Malcolm Fleschner, San Mateo, Calif.) Third Runner-Up: "You Are 54: Where Car?": A senior moment strikes in a parking garage. (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Herndon; Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Second Runner-Up: "French the Lieutenant's Woman": The enlisted man's guide to courts-martial. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) First Runner-Up: "Who the Man Shot Liberty Valance?": In this sequel, Superfly Valance arrives from Chicago to avenge his brother's death. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) And the winner of the log containing a diorama containing a plastic fawn: "What? Did Daddy Do You in the War?" A young girl learns of her father's overseas affair when a Korean woman comes looking for him. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: Love Thing: A Many-Splendored "Is" : Bill Clinton's guide through the pitfalls of romance and semantics. (Mary Ann Hennigsen, Hayward, Calif.) Dogs' Reservoir: Documentary on house pets and their fascination with drinking from the toilet. (Kevin Doherty, Manassas Park) Heat Body: Episode 1 in the suspenseful trilogy "Reviving Ted Williams." Coming soon: "Episode 2: Attach Head." (Jeff Kraus, Ashburn) The Red Man with One Shoe: The story of Nikita Khruschchev. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) OK Gunfight at the Corral: One thumb up for this B-movie western. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Enemy Behind-Lines: A workout book to eliminate butt wrinkles. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Asphalt the Jungle: Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi" becomes a feature film. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Powers of Austin Man: International Mystery: How the governor of Texas became president of the United States. (Brian Lochrie and Jennie Reiff, Lake Forest, Calif.) Private-Saving Ryan: The touching story of a man who decided to wait till marriage. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ted's Excellent Bill and Adventure: A day in the life of a senator from Massachusetts who passes an important piece of legislation AND scores with an intern. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Wrong! She Done HIM! : A Clinton apologist reviews the Monica affair. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) F.J.K.: In this documentary, disappointed Harry Potter fans complain about the author. (David Vacca, Washington) You Were Always Afraid to Know About Everything to Ask, But Wanted Sex: A teenage angst coming-of-age sequel. (William Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Out? No Way! : A biopic on the life of Rock Hudson. (Glen Crawford, Germantown) From Dawn Till Dusk: The most boring vampire picture ever. (Steven J. Allen, Manassas) Dalmatians 101: Everything you wanted to know about these fascinating dogs. In black and white. (Marcia Asquith, Washington) The Lightness of Being Unbearable: The Richard Simmons story. (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) The Virtues of Book: Bill Bennett's guide to Vegas gambling. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) The Man Who Mistook His Hat for a Wife: The sequel to "Portnoy's Complaint." (Jonathan Kaye, Washington) Big Wedding, My Fat Greek!: The behind-the-scenes story of Jackie's ultimatum to Onassis. (Judith Cottrill, New York) The Titanic Raise: Dick Grasso's guide to negotiating your salary. (Carl Northrop, Fairfax) Life: It's a-Wonderful: The Lawrence Welk Story. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Stupid With I.M.: A sociological study on how computer chatting is ruining our children's minds. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) She-Him Done Wrong: The true story of a botched sex change operation. (Steven L. Harris, Mountain View, Calif. ) Pizza Mystic: It's the mushrooms. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Red! Blue! One, two . . . Fish Fish Fish Fish!: The complete guide to understanding quarterbacks' audibles. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Phantom Wars Episode Menace the One-Star: A brigadier general tries to avoid becoming the scapegoat for America's failure to find the weapons of mass destruction. (David Vacca, Washington) The Earnest Being of Importance: John Ashcroft's life and times. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) The Too Much Man: Who Knew! A jockey continually surprises his dates. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Black at Bad Rock Day: A young African American tries to make sense of Ozzfest 2003. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Can Me If You Catch: Charlie the Tuna taunts the Old Man in the Sea. (Nick and Chris Sibilla, Reston; Michael Gips, Bethesda) Left? My Foot! The Democratic presidential candidates squabble over who's the most liberal. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Escape From the Apes of the Planet: A single gal struggles with the dating scene. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Blue Devil in a Dress: High jinks ensue when the Duke basketball team fields a transvestite power forward. (David Vacca, Washington) Bride of the Father: The unauthorized biography of Soon-Yi Previn. (Larry Cynkin, Kensington) ====================================================================== WEEK 529, published October 26, 2003 Week 529: United We Stanza We the voters have the right To be happy, safe and free.(Though if you aren't male and white You just ain't part of "we.") This Week's Contest: Above, the Declaration of Independence is summarized in four rhyming lines of verse. You need to do the same for any famous document, theory, principle or speech. Four lines only, at least one rhyme. First-prize winner gets six sheets of writing paper and matching envelopes lovingly crafted from elephant dung. This was donated to The Style Invitational by Robin Diallo of Malawi. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 3. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills, Md. Report from Week 525, in which you were asked to choose a row of three cartoons and explain which one did not belong with the other two. Third Runner-Up (Panels 3, 6 and 9): The man in front of the computer terminal hasn't yet learned the dangers of Internet dating. (Carla Yanni, Takoma Park) Second Runner-Up (Panels 3, 6, and 9): While the computer in 3 and the deceased in 9 were both killed by viruses, in Panel 6 it is a giant talking bacterium that is taunting the woman for overeating. (Debbie Schaefer, Arlington) First Runner-Up (Panels 1, 4 and 7): Panel 7 doesn't belong. Particularly on such a screwed-up day -- what with the burned breakfast and bad economic news on TV -- Carol's flight would surely have been grounded at the approach of flying saucers. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the winner of the board game based on a new brand of deodorant: (Panels 1, 2 and 3): This is a trick question. Panel 1 is out because the others involve jobs (bank and Steve). Panel 2 is out because it doesn't involve pop-ups. And Panel 3 is out because it doesn't have anything to do with hot bread. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable mentions: Panels 1, 2 and 3: While 2 (the robber) and 3 (the Internet identity-theft felon) are both dangerous, clearly 1 doesn't belong, because a faulty toaster that is about to burn down an entire high-rise and kill hundreds of people is much more dangerous than the others. (Kenneth Gallant, Esq., Little Rock) Panel 1 doesn't belong, because you can frog-march a thief or a computer hacker, but you can't frog-march a toaster. (Former ambassador Joseph C. Wilson IV, Washington) (Roy Ashley, Washington) In 3, a man is looking at microfiche, and in 2 a man commits a deed that is foul, but 1 is neither fiche nor foul. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Panels 1, 4 and 7: All three of these illustrate paradoxes. The woman in 4 is watching cable news on a TV with an antenna. The plane in 7 goes straight despite having only a right-sided engine. It is 1, however, that doesn't belong, because it has TWO paradoxes: Not only has the toaster worked even though it is unplugged, but also the toast has popped even though the lever is still in the down position. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Panels 1, 5 and 9: The gravedigger doesn't fit. Because a toaster that works while unplugged, and a number, cinq, that "sank" to the bottom of the frame -- these are but the absurdities that make bearable a world devoid of meaning, n'est-ce pas? But Death, she comes to us all, inevitable as the fact that everyone in this picture will turn into a rhinoceros. (Eugene Ionesco, Paris) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Panel 5 doesn't belong, because the toaster and the gravedigger are smoking, but the man is sitting in a restaurant in Montgomery County. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Panels 2, 5 and 8: 2 is the only panel showing a person who couldn't pop a balloon with his/her nose. (Jim Reed, Wales, Wis.) Panels 3, 5 and 7: Panel 5 doesn't fit. Because while it's got plane ticketing and Web surfing covered, Orbitz hasn't yet figured out how to annoy you when you are reading a book. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Panels 3, 6 and 9: 6 doesn't belong because it does not contain worms. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 9 doesn't belong, because it doesn't involve cookies: The guy at the computer is deleting his, while the woman is about to toss hers. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 3, because it's not too late to press the escape key. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) 3 and 6 involve both input and output, but 9 is just about input. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Panels 4, 5 and 6: 5 isn't evidence for why Larry King Must be stopped. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Panels 7, 8 and 9: 7 doesn't belong, because 8 and 9 feature the same person, one in drag. (Jim Reed, Wales, Wis.) ====================================================================== WEEK 530, published November 2, 2003 Week 530: Tri Harder Democrat Democrate: The political soapbox Democat: Socks Democram: How do they get nine great candidates on that itty-bitty stage? This Week's Contest was suggested by Kenneth S. Gallant of Little Rock. It's a new wrinkle on an old contest: Take any word, alter it three ways -- by adding a letter, by subtracting a letter and by changing a letter -- and redefine all three new words, as in the example above. Entries must consist of all three variations. First-prize winner gets a key chain carved from the seed of an illala palm tree that has passed through the digestive tract of an elephant. It was donated to The Style Invitational by Robin Diallo of Malawi. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 10. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Mike Genz of La Plata. Report from Week 526, in which you were asked to rewrite one of four famous observations. Many people pointed out that the real root of evil is "yfel," from Old English. We also need to note that two readers came up with what, indisputably, are the "real saddest words." We will not share them with you, however. They are too sad. Second Runner-Up: Love of money is NOT the root of all evil. This is a falsehood perpetrated by that left-wing radical element that would deny all capitalistic rewards for hard-earned genius. The real root of all evil is . . . (for the answer to this truly intriguing question, please send $25 and SASE to Don Burdett, Alexandria, Va.) (Don Burdett, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: The real root of all evil is intolerance and xenophobia, particularly as practiced by foreigners. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) And the winner of the "Armpit of America" T-shirt from Battle Mountain, Nev.: Genius is not 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. It is 41 percent flour, 21 percent sugar, 10.00041 percent water, 10 percent corn syrup, 9 percent hydrogenated oil from canola, soybean or beef fat, 1.2 percent diacin, 0.8 percent ferrous sulfate, 0.71 percent mononitrate, 0.4 percent riboflavin, 0.21 percent dextrose, 0.02 percent modified food starch, 0.019 percent sodium acid pyrophosphate, 0.0021 percent lecithin, .00006 percent polysorbate 60, .000009 percent dextrin, .00000002 percent calcium caseinate, and that, my friend, is the Twinkie. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Honorable Mentions They say that the saddest words are "what might have been." Nah. What are the real saddest words? "And now, in our feature in-flight presentation, Robin Williams and the Olsen twins star in a four-hour exploration of the healing power of love and soul-cleansing laughter, and of the ultimate triumph of the human spirit . . ." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "You look so young in that picture!" (John O'Byrne, Dublin) "Dad, ah juth ga ma tongue piertht." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) "Restrooms for customers only."(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) "As you can see on the X-ray . . ." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "NOW do you believe in God, Mr. Dead Guy?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What this country needs more than a 5-cent cigar: Lasagna-flavored dental floss. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) A singable national anthem. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) A retroactive VCR. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) A 5-cent co-payment for seeing an out-of-network physician. (William Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) What this country really needs is a reason to go to war in the Middle East. Oh, wait, no we don't . . . (Jim Reed, Wales, Wis.) An answer to the question "What does this country really need?" (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.) The real root of all evil: The athletic shoe manufacturers' cartel. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) LET's go, YAN-kees. (clap-clap, clap-clap-clap.) (Tom Restivo, Frederick) Moral absolutism. Absolutely. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Well, the square root of 666 is 25.82. (Dave Michaels, Silver Spring) Edison said genius was 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. What is a better formula? One percent inspiration and 99 percent graduate assistants slaving away in indentured servitude. (Chris Lafferty, Leesburg) Genius is 50 percent genes and 33 percent us. I am the rest. (Michael J. Simon, Gaithersburg) One percent inspiration and, like, a billionty-kazillion percent exaggeration. (Baylen Linnekin, Washington) A gentleman's genius is 1 percent inspiration and 73 percent perspiration. (George W. Bush, Washington) (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Ninety-five percent attention to detail, and 6 percent not being a total Nazi about it. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) One percent pandering and 99 percent unquestioning allegiance to The Style Invitational. (Robin Colaninno, Takoma Park) ====================================================================== WEEK 531, published November 9, 2003 Week 531: Your Cynic Duties Every dark cloud has a silver lining. But lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it. When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness. That which does not kill you postpones the inevitable. There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots. This Week's Contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington. Joseph directed us to www.despair.com, a Web site featuring wonderful parodies of dippo inspirational posters, such as the ones above. That's your challenge: Come up with a saying that sounds as if it's going to be inspirational, but winds up being cynical, misanthropic or sad. First-prize winner gets a fabulous promotional CD of the Bob Graham 2004 "Charisma Tour," featuring songs promoting Bob Graham, "The 44th U.S. President," including "The Bob Graham March." Bob Graham was the first of the Dems to drop out of the race. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 17. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 527, in which you were asked to come up with amusing things to say to defuse tension in some potentially embarrassing situation. Fourth Runner Up: (When realizing your fly has been open for some time) Sorry, I thought this was casual fly day. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Third Runner-Up: (When realizing your fly has been open for some time) My God, you were able to open my fly with the power of your mind?(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Second Runner-Up: (After calling your wife by another name during sex) . . . that's what I want to name the baby, if it's a girl! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) First Runner-Up: (To the boss, when caught visiting adult Web sites) I'll have you know this is not an "adult" Web site. Why, these are mere girls -- 18 years old, tops. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg) And the winner of the a soap dish shaped like a bathtub, plus a pen shaped like the continental United States: (To the doctor during a prostate or OB/GYN exam) Yes, yess! Oh, yessssss! Huh? Oh, nothing. I just saved a bundle on car insurance. (Mark Young, Washington) Honorable Mentions: When realizing your fly has been open for some time: Gosh, I could have sworn that was MY fly I zipped up at the urinal. (Peter Levitan, Sherman Oaks, Calif.) It's easy to understand how this happened -- all my other trousers zip up from bottom to top. (Michael Rae, Potomac) I'm not sure being a zipper tester is worth the extra money. (Chris Hill, Santa Fe) You know, you're the sixth person to mention that today. (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt) After committing a social error in an elevator: If you think that's embarrassing, try growing up with an alcoholic father. (Amanda Matos and Aaron Van Roy, Vienna) Excuse me. As I'm sure you've all noticed by now, someone in this elevator has committed a social error by wearing white shoes after Labor Day. That someone is me. I apologize. As for the deafening and noisome flatulence I've been emitting while delivering this apology, that is entirely natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Have a good day. (Christopher L. Parkin, Silver Spring) Third floor, men's windbreakers, watch your step please. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) I guess the cardinals have elected a new pope! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Thank you. I'll be here all week. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Ladies and children first when the doors open. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Now, what if that had been sarin gas? I want you all to think about that. If we're not prepared, the terrorists win. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Hmm. Poignant, a bit husky, with a hint of melodrama and an excellent nose. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) When calling your wife by another name during sex: Would you rather I were making love to HER using YOUR name? (Howard Tenenbaum, Silver Spring) BMW or Lexus? (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) To a cashier, after being told your credit card has been rejected: It's always about money with you, isn't it? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) To the boss, when caught visiting adult Web sites: All I did was type into a search engine, "hot naked boobies." Who knew this filth would come up? (Josh Borkin, Bloomfield, Minn.) You are not going to be happy about this, but after weeks of research I have determined that our firewall is useless at preventing employees from visiting adult Web sites. Will you contact security, or shall I? (Kyle Hendrickson, Mitchellville) You are a pig, I have no respect for you, I plan to behave in an insubordinate fashion, decline assignments, resist improvement, all the while attempting to infect co-workers with a spirit of mistrust and dissatisfaction. There -- now you can fire me for a less embarrassing reason. (Kyle Hendrickson, Mitchellville) Holy cow, it looks like terrorists have hacked Billy Graham's Web site! (Don Jernigan, Shreveport, La.) After rear-ending someone at a stop light: According to Dr. Einstein, you actually backed into me. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) I only did that, madam, because I felt your bumper made you look fat. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) I've been trying to get your attention to tell you your taillights are all smashed in. (Judith Cottrill, New York) That's the last time I let my 7-year-old change the brake pads. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) To the doctor, during a prostate or OB/GYN exam: I'm dilated to meet you. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) STAND-IN! Dang, where's my stunt double when I need her? (Margaret Virkus, Oak Hill) Thank you, SIR. May I have another? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) If something bites your finger, don't worry, that's just Irving. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Does this count as a date? If so, which base are you on? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) When your spouse catches you in bed with someone else. Wait a minute -- this ISN'T just a dream? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) ====================================================================== WEEK 532, published November 16, 2003 Week 532: Short Pans 'The Sting': Just a B Picture 'Citizen Kane': Welles' Farrago Fellini's '81/2': Nein! This Week's Contest was proposed by John O'Byrne of Dublin. John cited the famous three-word review by Walter Kerr of John Van Druten's play "I Am a Camera": "Me No Leica." Your challenge is to come up with a terse review (four words or fewer) of any work of art -- film, book, whatever. As in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a package of edible napkins ("Shock your guests") made from potatoes. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 24. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 528, in which you were asked to give "Jeopardy!"-type questions to any of 12 answers we supplied. Third Runner-Up: (Answer: Daffy Duck but not Ariel Sharon) Who might have Porky Pig for dinner? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: (Answer: Anthony "Big Pancreas" Santucci) On orders of capo Sal "The Gastroenterologist" Gastrone, which wiseguy was taken out?(Brendan Beary, Great Mills) First Runner-Up: (Answer: A toaster, Antonin Scalia, but not a Reuben sandwich) What gets very hot when you push the right buttons? (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of the souvenir plate of Brunswick, N.Y.: (Answer: A toaster and Antonin Scalia, but not a Reuben sandwich) What poses a severe risk of electrocution? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: {sleft}Who is even harder to find in The Post than a picture of Dennis Kucinich? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Benedict Arnold Schwarzenegger: Which of George Washington's generals dropped his surname because "it sounded too Hessian"? (Russell Beland, Springfield) What is the name of the breakfast dish made of poached eggs, hollandaise sauce and a huge slab of ham? (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.; Fil Feit, Annandale) Who joined the British after accusations were made by Martha Washington, Sally Hemings, Dolley Madison and Betsy Ross? (Mark Young, Washington) Who is famous for saying, "I'll be backstabbing"? (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.; Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) What do the Shrivers secretly call their son-in-law? (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.; Chris and Nick Sibella, Reston) Whose plot to betray America was exposed by the capture of John Andre the Giant? (Joseph Romm, Washington; Stephen Fahey, Kensington) Who said, "Don't fire until you see the whites of their thighs"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Yasser Arafat but not Daffy Duck: Who told Elmer Fudd to chase that "wascally wabbi"? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Anthony "Big Pancreas" Santucci: Who is a master of gland larceny? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Which mobster is bitter because all the cool nicknames have been taken? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village; Mark Kipperman, Reston) Who invented the "Big Pan" pizza? (Jim Holt, Washington) What was Tony "Sugar Lips" Santucci known as in his later years? (William Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Who is a better prom date than Nick "Massive Festering Goiter" Santucci? (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Mary, Susan and Beyonce: What girls' names rhyme with "Harry's losin' a fiancee"? (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) What were the most popular girls' names of the 19th century, the 20th century, and Aug. 7-9, 2003? (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) If I'm only being paranoid, why is The Post running this anagram for "Candy-Ass Beary on Menu"? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Only people who are very skinny: Did Jeffrey Dahmer ever meet any people he didn't like? (Russell Beland, Springfield) What minority group will be completely eliminated from America by the year 2020? (Mark Young, Washington) Who takes advantage of Virginia's new HOV-12 lane? (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Daffy Duck but not Ariel Sharon: On Saturday mornings, whom is George W. Bush most concerned about? (Paul Hildebrand, Severna Park) Whose naked aggression usually engenders a response of amused tolerance? (William Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Who looks good in shorts? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Loaves and Knishes: Name the humanitarian organization that feeds homeless Hasidic Jews. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) What got changed to "loaves and fishes" to make the New Testament "less Jewish"? (Fil Feit, Annandale) With what did Jesus feed the multitudes, according to the Gospel According to Izzy? (Peter Levitan, Sherman Oaks, Calif.) It's like a peanut, only bigger: What is a big peanut? (Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.) What is the Nietzchean ideal of an Ubergoober? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills; Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) What do elephants dream of? (Mike Genz, La Plata) Hamsters, poi, and that Britney-Madonna kiss: What are three things that most 6-year-olds are not ready for? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) What's Syrian, Hawaiian and French? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What's warm and fuzzy, moist and tasteless, and all of the above? (Jose Cortina, Oak Hill) A toaster and Antonin Scalia, but not a Reuben sandwich: What makes a sound that causes Clarence Thomas to leap up and respond immediately? (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) What would Al Franken really not want to see beside him in the bathtub? (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) Because you have to have the right undergarments: Why do intelligence, talent and drive alone not ensure success as a White House intern? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) ====================================================================== WEEK 533, published November 23, 2003 Week 533: Breed Apart The child of Evel Knievel and Mother Teresa would keep making enormous leaps of faith. The child of Dorothy Parker and Timothy Leary would have a really acid wit. The child of Miss Manners and The Czar of The Style Invitational would pioneer the development of the lilac-scented whoopee cushion. This Week's Contest was proposed by Peter Metrinko of Alexandria. On the theory that cloning may someday make it possible to reproduce famous people, living or dead, then it would also be possible for the clones of two famous people to marry and produce children. What would they be like? Mate the clones of any two famous real people, living or dead -- a male and a female, please -- and hypothesize what traits or skills their offspring might have. First-prize winner gets a Barbie and Ken "Star Trek" watch. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 1. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Report from Week 529, in which you were asked to recast a well-known document or principle in a four-line rhyme: Second Runner-Up: Honor the Sabbath, your mom and your dad, No idols, goddammits, or taking a life. Adultery, stealing and lying are bad. Don't covet your neighbor's old goat, or his wife.(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) First Runner-Up: Darwin's "Origin of Species" Bacteria, slime, mold, yeast, Jellyfish, shark, wildebeest, Monkey, chimp, ape, man. Face it, folks, there was no plan. (Richard Lempert, Arlington) And the winner of the stationery made from elephant dung: Musket and ball we've got, also disease; We're accustomed to taking whatever we please. "Manifest Destiny" can't be denied (And it sounds so much better than, oh, "genocide.") (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Honorable Mentions: After fourscore years and just a tad We have death and gore galore. It's very sad, 'cause war is bad, Now go on out and fight some more. (Sarah Johnson, Auburn, Ala.) Churchill's great speech:We shall fight in the valleys, The hills, streets and alleys. No Nazi punk'll Make us say uncle. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) The Miranda warning: You don't have to speak, but all that you say Will be subject to our legal powers. If you want an attorney but can't meet his pay, We will happily lend one of ours. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) The 21st Amendment: We've had enough of Al Capone, Seems we set the gangsters loose. So go back to your drunken ways -- We'll just tax the juice. (Carl Yaffe, Rockville) A bit porno actor is filling the bill, So they give him a raise, and he's competent still. A promotion from there would make him the lead, But some principle says that he may not succeed. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) If William of Occam Were shaving today, Quadruple-edge razors Would not be okay. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) The Torah: Think first about doing what's right, Not just about making a shekel. Live a good life, and keep to your wife, And cut off the tip of your schmekl. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) The Bush Doctrine: Out in the world is an axis of evil Who'd give us all their worst. Because of this it's now okay For us to do it first. (Michael Simon, Gaithersburg) President Bush's economic stimulus package: Claim your big refund, And deduct your Hummer. What's that? You're not rich? Oh, man, that's a bummer. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington) The infield fly rule: The umpire calls the batter out Though the fielder catches nada. And there must be runners on first and second, And yadda, yadda, yadda. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Newton's First Law of Motion: A body that's moving will stay on its course Unless acted on by some external force. A body that's resting continues to rest, As my brother the moocher exemplifies best. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The Conservation Law of Mass-Energy: It's clearly demonstrable: Any closed system Exhibits a strict conservation of mass. That cache of your leftover Halloween candy? It's all been transformed to more lard on my ass. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) As a siren approaches, its pitch gets more high, But then drops off quickly as it passes by, So hats off to me, Christian Doppler, for showing A means of distinguishing coming from going. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The Pythagorean Theorem: The square of A plus the square of B Equals the square of hypotenuse C. Aside from this, hypotenuses Have few if any practical uses. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Archimedes' principle: "Eureka," says I: An object more dense Displaces less water -- it makes perfect sense! This discovery has so greatly brightened my mood, I shall run through the Syracuse streets in the nude. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The big-bang theory: Just 15 billion years ago there was a giant clatter When a single point erupted, throwing out a lot of matter. From this Hubble start not long ago, the Universe begins -- Which explains a lot, except perhaps why Beary always wins. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) ====================================================================== WEEK 534, published November 30, 2003 Week 534: The Feminine Touch This Week's Contest: Propose how any male-dominated occupation or institution would change if it suddenly became female-dominated. Examples might be the U.S. presidency, the construction business, the game of professional baseball, the Czardom of The Style Invitational, etc. The Czar urges readers not to be too squeamish about demonstrating a little bit of good-natured sexism: after all, remember who judges this thing. First-prize winner gets Painted Potties, a designer decal set for one's toilet. First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 8. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 530, in which you were asked to take a word and alter it in three ways -- by adding a letter, changing a letter, and deleting a letter -- and supplying definitions for the resulting three words. Several people fell two short of a good troika, but had one gem: Examples: "Redskeins: Strings of consecutive losses." "Mountainfop: A hillwilliam." "Mantique: An item a guy keeps from his bachelor days, such as his lucky socks or his Loni Anderson poster." A special Blind T-Shirt Award goes to Russell Beland of Springfield for an entry of three perfectly clever and perfectly disgusting definitions that very well might have won the elephant-poop key chain, in some parallel universe where editors are not fired for committing crimes against humanity. Second Runner-Up: Sphincter Sphinxcter: A figure in Egyptian mythology having the buttocks of a lion and the head of a man Spincter: An unmarried, anal-retentive woman Sphinctee: Someone who's always getting dumped on(Roy Ashley, Washington) First Runner-Up: Snowboarding Snowbearding: Adopting extreme sports as a way of seeming less gay Snowbarding: Schussing e'er onward t'ward the hillock's scree / Whether mine neck to break, it is to be or not to be Snowbogarding: Using up the snow so no one else can ski (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) And the winner of the key chain carved from the seed of an illala palm tree that has passed through the digestive tract of an elephant: Colonialism Colonicalism: A purge of the old regime Clonialism: Government by genetically engineered pod people, e.g, bureaucrats Cojonialism: Government by reckless displays of machismo (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Honorable mentions: Mohel Maohel: A famous Chinese circumciser, discredited for his disastrous Great Lop Forward Ohel: What you don't want to hear the rabbi say during the procedure Aohel: An Internet provider notorious for its painful service cutoffs (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) AOL Time Warner Ol' Time Warner: Media Giant, circa 2000 AWOL Time Warner: Media Giant, circa 2002 All Time Warner: Media Giant, circa 2004 (Dan Klein, McLean) Sosa So sad: The inevitable emotional state of Cubs fans SOS: The cry of Cubs fans, every year So-so: The odds that the Cubs will be above .500 next June (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Pentateuch Pentatouch: Scripture in which Adam and Eve hold hands Petateuch: . . . in which Adam and Eve engage in foreplay Spentateuch: . . in which Adam and Eve have a cigarette (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Pornography Ornography: Dirty birds Tornography: Magazines with the centerfolds ripped out Pornotgraphy: A movie that sounds dirty but isn't (e.g., "Hannah and Her Sisters") (Bird Waring, New York) Incognito Incagnito: Disguised as a Peruvian Incognitov: Disguised as a Russian Incogito: Disguised as "The Thinker" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Charlatan Charlatag: The "Guchi" label on a street vendor's handbags Charlatang: Store-brand orange juice Charlatin: Natalie Wood as Maria in "West Side Story" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Newspaper Newsparer: An editor for The Express Ewspaper: The National Enquirer Newspamper: A low-cost diaper substitute (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Republican Repubican: Bob Dole RepubWican: Ann Coulter Republickan: Bob Packwood (Mark Young, Washington) Zaftig Aftig: Having a pleasingly plump behind Zaftpig: Past the point of pleasingly plump Daftig: Fat AND stupid (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Irony Airony: The fact that the Wizards are better now that Michael Jordan has left Irany: The fact that Iran is now our ally against Iraq I "R" NY: Slogan for Michael Bloomberg (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Viagra Viagray: Combines sexual potency pill with Grecian Formula Vagra: Restores potency, but makes you more apt to stray Biagra: Restores potency, but makes you more open to "alternatives" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Hysterectomy Shysterectomy: Disbarment Hysterectoy: One of Mattel's biggest flops, the "Post Menopausal Barbie" Oysterectomy: How you find a pearl (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) ====================================================================== WEEK 535, published December 7, 2003 Week 535: Picture This This Week's Contest: Bob Staake has just learned some astonishing news. But since he is an artist, he is illiterate and can't tell you in words. So he is going to try to communicate through cartoons. Unfortunately, he is also a lousy cartoonist, so he isn't doing a very good job. Can you tell what news he is trying to pass on? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a pen belonging to The Czar of the Style Invitational. It says, "The Czar." First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 15. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 531, in which you were asked to take an inspirational statement and express it with cynicism. We were in love with this one, until we learned it was not original: "There is no 'I' in 'team,' but there is an 'eat me.' " Second Runner-Up: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs. (Richard Doty, Washington) First Runner-Up: You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the winner of the CD of the Bob Graham 2004 "Charisma Tour": Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make people die. (Tom McCudden, Durham, N.C.) Honorable Mentions: Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your ability. (Donna Lewis, Vienna) Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) While others complain that their glasses are half empty, find joy in the fact that yours is half full. Just make sure it's twice as big as everyone else's glass. (Sebastian Hayman, Denver) It takes a village to raise a child to hate all of the people in the next village. (Charles Star, New York) Dare to dream the impossible. I mean, why not? Dreaming doesn't take any effort. (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) Others see things as they are and ask, "Why?" I see things that never were and ask, "Wow, where did you get this stuff?" (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) Keep your chin up -- the water's rising. (John Held, Fairfax) Think globally, act like you care locally. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The key to someone's heart is never lost: It's just that the locks were changed 'cause you're some sort of psycho. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) You have to learn to crawl before you can grovel. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you're probably the executioner. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Each dawn brings us a fresh start, because we never freakin' learn, do we? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. But he probably isn't going to be interested in some frog-kisser. (Amanda Richards, Palatine, Ill.) Say not that honor is the child of boldness, nor believe that the hazard of life alone can pay the price of it; it is not the action that is due, but to the manner of performing it. You got all that? Me neither. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Every failure is a step to success up a ladder that will eventually collapse under the weight of all those failures. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) True beauty is on the inside, where no one will ever see it. (David Iscoe, Washington) One person can make a difference, if that person is, like, Bill Gates or whatzisname, the speaker of the House of Representatives. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Every dog has his day. Of course, his day consists of smelling other dogs' butts. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington) Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman. (Bird Waring, New York) A high tide lifts all boats, except those with a big gaping hole in the bottom. (Bobby Welsh, Annandale) There are none so blind as those who have been in an accident at a fertilizer factory. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) You can run but you can't hide, except apparently along the Afghan-Pakistani border. (Bob Wallace, Reston) The early bird gets the worm. Of course, you can also get a worm by drinking a whole bottle of tequila. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) ====================================================================== WEEK 536, published December 14, 2003 Week 536: And the Horse He Rodin On We begin this week with an alarming announcement, and a plea for calm. After more than 10 years at the helm of this contest, your Czar is stepping down. He wishes to express his gratitude not only for your creativity, which has sustained him, but for your fealty, which has elevated him to the status of cult hero -- a beloved and benevolent humor deity, feared for his power but respected for the evenhandedness with which he wields it. He announces with great pleasure that, by his grace, the contest will survive. He commands that you extend to his successor, a capable and industrious young woman, all the servile, fawning obsequiousness that you have shown him all these years. The task of succeeding a legend is an unenviable one, and if her steps are uncertain or her judgment timid, please understand that this is a natural consequence of the submissive attitude that The Czar has fostered in her over more than a decade, one that has happened to serve The Czar well, despite the occasional instances of childish rebellion and acting out that Yeah, yeah. Swell. Beat it, Grandpa. The Czar has been called away on urgent business to the dacha in Ekaterinburg. Now that that unpleasant little housecleaning task is out of the way, The Empress of The Style Invitational wishes to announce a few changes in this contest, to elevate its level of tastefulness and decorum as befitting an internationally renowned quotidian journal. To that end, no longer will the grand prize for the winning ink each week be a risque, coarse, hideous piece of promotional detritus or some tacky souvenir. Henceforth, that prize will be given to the first runner-up. Each winner will instead receive the trophy pictured at left, a mixed-media sculpture crafted of genuine bronzoid-looking Alabastrite{+T}{+M} and genuine paper paper bag. This Week's Contest: Come up with some words we can stick on the back of The Inker. You have about two inches' worth of back, so don't send in a sonnet, you know? Winner gets the guy, with the winning stick-on stuck on. First runner-up receives a pair of slip-on fake feet complete with veins, scabs and suppurating lesions. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt (now in new Empress Red). Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. One entry per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 22. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 532, in which we asked for terse reviews of movies, books, etc., in four words or fewer: A number of submissions cleverly and tersely described the plot, but weren't judgments on the works' quality (" 'Last Tango in Paris': For butter or worse"; " 'The Crying Game': Male's in the chick"). These get no credit whatsoever. Guess which verb was used 263 times to describe "Gone With the Wind," "Twister" and "A Mighty Wind"? Very good. Now guess which verb was used 347 times to describe "Dracula" and "Deep Throat." And in the Playing Against Type department, we have the week's entry that was so highbrow, you'd think it was sent in by the Cosmetic Surgery Institute: "Rimbaud's 'Une Saison en Enfer': Enfer non!" We pitterpat our hands for Mr. Chuck Smith of Woodbridge. Fourth runner-up: "I Am Curious (Yellow)": It was meaty (ocher).(Michael Gips, Bethesda) Third runner-up: "S.W.A.T.": C.W.A.P. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second runner-up: "The Sound of Music": DOA, dear. (Jeffrey Scharf, Burke) First runner-up : "Love Story": Sorry! (Carl W. Northrop, Fairfax) And the winner of the edible napkins made from potatoes: "Cast Away": Man overbored. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Honorable Mentions: "Analyze This": Okay, it's awful. Satisfied? (Will Cramer and Julie Thomas, Herndon) "War and Peace": Floccinaucinihilipilicationally supercalifragilisticexpialidocious; osseocarnisanguineonervomedullary honorificabilitudinitatious. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) "The Untouchables": The lowest cast. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "Fargo": Forgo. (Mike Genz, La Plata) "To Have and Have Not": Has not. (Ray Aragon, Bethesda) "Never Cry Wolf": Nunavut is worth seeing. (Karin Japikse, Fairfax) "Oliver": Please, sir, no more! (Larry Levine and Arthur Windreich, Wheaton) "The Odd Couple": I smell Oscar! (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) "Cheers": Booze. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "The Sting": Where is its death? (G. Smith, Reston) "On the Waterfront": Long snore, man. (Mike Murphy, Munhall, Pa.) "Annie": Get your gun. (TJ Murphy, Blacksburg, Va.) "Oh, God": Dog, ho! (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) "Moby-Dick": Call me fishmeal. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) "Signs": Do not enter. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) "Camelot": Let it be forgot. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) "Girl, Interrupted": Boy! Interminable! (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) "Being There": Leaving early. (Jerry Norris, New Bern, N.C.) "Annie Hall": Blah-de-dah. (Larry Levine and Arthur Windreich, Wheaton) "Conan the Barbarian": I'm groping for words. (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Twelve Angry Men": Make that thirteen. (Michael Gips, Bethesda) "The Da Vinci Code": 16-18-5-4-9-3-20-1-2-12-5 20-18-9-16-5. (Marc Leibert, New York) "Groundhog Day": Same old same old. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) "Jaws": Box office poisson. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) "Animal Farm": Ewe. (Jacob Wolman, Washington) "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang": No bang, doubly chitty. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly": Two out of three! (Russell Beland, Springfield; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) "Babe": On't-day o-gay. (Joseph Peta, New York) "I, Claudius": It, tedius. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Milo Sauer, Fairfax) "Don't Drink the Water": Drink the Kool-Aid. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Ben-Hur": Loved Ben, hated Hur. (Tony Hope, Washington; Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever": Critic: Head vs. wall. (Evan Golub, College Park) "Gigli": Reagli, reagli unappeagli. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "The Day After": A-bomb. (Cecil J. Clark, Arlington) "Rashomon": Four stories, zero sense. (Marc Leibert, New York) "Shampoo": Genuine poo. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) "Casablanca": Don't play it, Sam. (Michele Uhler, Fort Washington) "Star Wars": Stay far, far away. (S.A. Wiebe, Calgary, Alberta) "Moulin Rouge": Merde she wrote. (Berde Waring, New York) "Lord of the Rings": Small men, big sets. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) "The Shoes of the Fisherman": Smelt. (Brendan O'Byrne, Regina, Saskatchewan) "The Great Gatsby": F -- Scott Fitzgerald. (Bill Morris, Washington) "Shampoo": Much hairdo about nothing. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) "Flirting With Disaster": Flirting? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Auntie Mame": Maim Auntie! (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) ====================================================================== WEEK 537, published December 21, 2003 Week 537: MD. MEN WIELD NAKED FLESH OF FEMALES! Actual headline, from Nov. 30: Hunters Volunteer Venison to Help Feed the Homeless This Week's Contest is one The Empress found deep in the Invitational archives from 1996, right under that can of Genuine Sheep Spit, or whatever, that the Czar (a bumbling little man who used to work here) never got around to sending out. Your task is to liven up any article appearing in The Washington Post or its Web site over the next eight days by giving it an irresponsibly sensationalistic headline. Give the date and page number of the print story, or include the beginning of the Web story in your e-mail (no attachments, please). First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy, suitable for display atop one's desk, mantel, litter box, etc. First runner-up wins a battery-operated remote-control fart machine ("New Louder Realistic Farts!"). Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt (now in Empress Red). Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 29. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Your entry must contain your name, postal address and telephone number. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. One prize per entrant per week. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. This week's contest was originally suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield, who haunts us still. Report from Week 533, in which we asked you to speculate on the cloned offspring of any man and woman: Third runner-up: The child of Bob Dole and Cleopatra would suffer from a reptile dysfunction. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Second runner-up: The child of Imelda Marcos and Dr. Seuss would collect mukluks, galoshes and gillies and high-tops, and also some moccasins, chukkas and flip-flops. (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) First runner-up: The child of Marion Barry and Leona Helmsley would set himself up. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) And the winner of the "Star Trek" watch: The child of Beethoven and Britney Spears would overcome dumbness to become a great composer.(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Honorable Mentions: The child of Richard Nixon and Miss Manners will compile a People Whom We Will Decline to Invite list. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The child of Saint Paul and Mae West would ask, "Is that epistle in your pocket . . .?" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) The daughter of Helen of Troy and Joe Cocker would have a face that could launch, oh, maybe 25 ships. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The child of Marty Feldman and Calista Flockhart would have eyes bigger than his stomach. (Rich Mehrenberg, Manassas) The children of Will Rogers and Sally Field will like everybody and everybody will like them. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The child of Carmen Miranda and John Nash will be fruitful and multiply. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) The daughter of Anna Nicole Smith and George Washington Carver would find 300 ways to use a man. (Dave Michaels, Silver Spring) The child of Bill Gates and Martha Stewart would market a line of sheets that stay on only if you buy their bed. (Dave Michaels, Silver Spring) The child of Jack Ruby and Barbara Walters would shoot first and ask questions later. (Harold Mantle, Gaithersburg) The child of John Holmes and June Allyson wouldn't know if he was coming or going. (G. Smith, Reston) The child of Izaak Walton and Lorena Bobbitt would fish or cut mate. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) The child of Martha Stewart and Michael Jackson would be a neat freak. (Greg Pearson, Alexandria) The child of S.I. Newhouse and Joan of Arc would publish or perish. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) The child of Joni Mitchell and JFK would pave paradise and put up a Camelot. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The child of Oliver North and Rosie O'Donnell would trade arms for sausages. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) The child of Segway inventor Dean Kamen and Tina Louise will discover that no one's interested in Ginger anymore. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The child of Sir Edmund Hillary and Dolly Parton would be the first person to climb herself. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) The child of Paul Berry and Halle Berry had better have some Vitamin B1. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) The child of Katie Couric and Geraldo Rivera would be as cute as a buttonhole. (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) The child of Edward Albee and Virginia Woolf would be afraid of his mother. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The child of Imelda Marcos and Nikita Khrushchev would pound the table with a different shoe every day. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The child of Sir Francis Drake and Jennifer Lopez would have a golden hind. (Bob Stone, Alexandria) The child of Persephone and Tiger Woods would putt it where the sun don't shine. (Bob Stone, Alexandria) The child of Paris Hilton and Tommy Lee would be a movie star even before he could breathe. (Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.) The child of Cindy Crawford and Moses would be . . . holy moley! (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) The son of Monica Lewinsky and Rodney Dangerfield would really be down on himself. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) The child of Jimmy Durante and Barbra Streisand could make a living finding truffles. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And last: I don't know if this cloning thing is a good idea. Sure, you could pair Hillary Clinton and J.S. Bach and get someone who'd make New York a fugue state and that's fine, but shoot, some moron with a test tube is going to go pair Wizards players with Mystics players and, sure, they'll be tall, but they're still going to lose all the time, and that's plain wrong. (Russell Beland, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 538, published December 28, 2003 Week 538: Try, Try Again It's what being a Loser is all about, really. This Week's Contest: For those of you whose superb contributions to previous Style Invitational contests were so unjustly ignored by the Former Regime (and for those whose contributions would have been unjustly ignored, had you bothered to submit them), The Empress invites you to give it another shot: Enter any previous Invitational (there's a link to the past 100 contests on the Style Invitational Web page on washingtonpost.com). Your entry must be substantially different from the original winners. It may refer to events that occurred after the original contest appeared. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a salt-and-pepper set consisting of a ceramic man in a thong, labeled "Hollywood, Ca." His butt cheeks are Salt and Pepper. (It is not clear, from his position, whether he is wearing a condiment.) It was sent in by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins "The Ground Meat Cookbook" from 1954. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 6. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Report from Week 534, in which The Czar (remember him? from way back?) invited descriptions of how various institutions would change if they were dominated by women. Remember how he assured you that you didn't have to worry about a little sexist humor, since, after all, remember who'd be judging the contest? Oh hahahaha. BWAhahahaha. Such suckers you are. Actually, this contest drew very few entries: Most 21st-century humans with any sense of shame would be mortified to see their names appended to women-can't-drive jokes, or women-can't-make-decisions jokes. (Then again, The Style Invitational is not generally associated with "any sense of shame.") Still, entrants tended to focus on the very few areas in which women have made no real contribution, such as football, the papacy, child molestation, etc. To those among the shameless who -- thinking they were writing for a male judge -- sent oh-so-clever time-of-the-month jokes, alas, none of your entries get ink. The Empress does not know why, exactly. Perhaps she is just feeling a little crabby right now, for some reason. Third runner-up: If a woman ran the United States, we would never declare war. We would just attack, and when the country asked us why, we'd say, "Oh, I think you know why." (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) Second runner-up: Any player left on base in one inning gets to start at that base on her next up. It's only fair. (Judith Cottrill, New York) First runner-up: Homeland security: "The threat level was upgraded today from Mojave Rose to Persimmon Sunset." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the winner of the Painted Potties decal set: If women ran the porn industry, the climax of the movie would be when the man shouts, "I was wrong!"(Tom McCudden, Durham, N.C.) Honorable mentions: Truck drivers' mud flaps would lose their buxom, big-haired silhouettes in favor of semiabstract representations of a Saturn V rocket at the moment of liftoff. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Plumbers would go to fix bathrooms in groups. (Kristina Sherry, Annandale) Construction workers: "Hey, look at that cutie boy -- I'd like to take HIM shopping for lamps . . ." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Prostate exams would involve stirrups and an ice-cold speculum. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) If women controlled politics, men wouldn't have elections every time you turn around, and when they did have one, their elections would last much longer. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Pfizer Corp. would produce little blue pills that make men better listeners. (Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.) The FBI: As long as they're collecting all that information on everyone's private life, why not run it through a matchmaking program? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Porno movies: What now matters is a man's sighs: how long, how deep, how passionate. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) For Internet porn, it would take 45 minutes to pull up the Web site. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) Hockey players would get extra points for axels and toe loops while scoring. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Wrestlers and NASCAR drivers would have nicknames like "The Accommodator." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) If women ran the health care system, they would devote the proper level of resources to women's health issues so that women would, on average, live as long as men. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Playground bullies: "Oh, yeah? Well, my mom is JUST as nice as your mom, don't you think?" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Pro tennis coverage: Nice knowing you, Anna Kournikova. (Russell Beland, Springfield) If women ran Burning Tree Club, they wouldn't let men play golf there, and that means no one would get to play, 'cause women just aren't allowed at Burning Tree. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Mafia donnas: No cement shoes after Labor Day. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) If women took over the Republican Party, we would elect one of the pigs that would be flying. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) If the Three Wise Men were Three Wise Women, nothing would have been different: Already, they asked for directions; their Christmas gifts were jewelry, scent and moisturizer; and they changed routes on the way home after hearing a news report. (Bob Wallace, Reston) Football: All uniforms would be a more slimming black, and you can be sure there wouldn't be padded hips. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Making a pass would be penalized the first three times, then totally allowed. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Holding would no longer be a penalty; in fact, it would be mandatory after each play. (David Lang, Olney) If the New York Giants' starting lineup consisted of 11 women, no one would notice any difference. (Marc Leibert, New York) Baseball: All teams would take turns going to the World Series, which would consist of three exhibition games to be won by each league. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Players would illegally silicone their bats. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If a woman ran The Style Invitational: Prizes would be something useful, like recipes and tea cozies. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) [Joe wins a doily.] This contest would be won entirely by entries like "If women took over the presidency, there would be no war." (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) [Seth wins a nyah-nyah raspberry.] No one would win more than once a year so everyone would get a chance. Perennial winners would be required to help those less skilled. Consolation T-shirts would be given for people who enter every week but never get printed all year. And Honorable Mentions would actually receive their bumper stickers they won in July 2001, not that I'm bitter or anything . . . (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg) ====================================================================== WEEK 539, published January 4, 2004 Week 539: Dead Letters The two of you were filthy swine, Oinkers dressed in satin. Qusay! Uday! Even your names Sounded like pig Latin. Your mother was your mother, and she was your father, too. It worked, by golly, Dolly -- you sweet, embraceable ewe. This week's contest: Pay tribute in verse to someone who died in 2003. Lists of the recently defunct are all over the Internet; just Google "celebrity deaths 2003," or "notable deaths," "famous deaths," etc. Poems longer than four lines had better be breathtakingly brilliant. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a tie with little West Virginias all over it (excellent for wearing with the soup course). Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker, while supplies last (stay tuned). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 12. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Judith Cottrill of New York. Report from Week 535, in which The Czar asked you to tell us what the astonishing news was that artist Bob Staake was trying to impart in any of these five cartoons. The astonishing news, it turns out, was The Czar's final joke: On one level, each of these cartoons carried the same message: The Czar is outta here. Nobody realized this, though, before the news was announced the next Sunday. For the record: Cartoon A: The judge is about to undergo a sex change! Cartoon B: The Creator has disappeared! Cartoon C: Potty humor will be frowned upon! Cartoon D: A "car" with a "z" in it is going away! Cartoon E: A rebus announces, "The end of a Di-Nasty!" (Yes, that was Princess Di and Ilie "Nasty" Nastase, the bad-boy tennis star of the early 1970s. Though the caricature was rather good, it engendered many colorful but wrong guesses, from Kurt Cobain to Michael Dukakis to Marilyn Quayle.) A number of entries amused The Empress but failed to report any astonishing news and/or ignored the existence of Bob, like this one for Cartoon E: "I recently saw a great Swiss movie called 'Judgment at Noor and Borg.' " (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Or this one for B: Brad was outraged when he saw that the expensive wedding portrait he ordered had omitted the groom. (Linda Wolfe, Reston) They lose. Second runner-up: Cartoon D: Bob announces that John Tesh albums will now carry a warning: "Not intended for use inside a motor vehicle."(Art Grinath, Takoma Park) First runner-up: Cartoon B: Bob has discovered that the new portrait of the governor just unveiled in Sacramento is actually an old painting stolen from some Italian church. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.; Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) And the winner of the The Czar's own pen: Cartoon A: As medical reimbursements continue to drop, struggling physicians have resorted to performing the one procedure always authorized by HMOs: a wallet extraction. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A Bob has learned that Afghan obstetricians have been causing birth complications because of the risky burqa-cut. (Brian Penney, Goffstown, N.H.) Proctologists have developed an exciting new surgical procedure for reducing flatulence, borrowing its name from the aviation industry: "wind shear." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The poet laureate has undergone a secret operation for an enlarged prose state! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cartoon B Italian Attorney General Giovanni Ashcrofti has ordered a drop-panel ceiling to be installed in part of the Sistine Chapel! But Staake realizes it has been put in the wrong place! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) In this self-portrait, Bob is telling us he has nothing to hide -- a fact confirmed on closer examination. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Bob is showing that the heat is kept distressingly low in the Sistine Chapel. (Josh Borken, Minneapolis) And Last: Adam is destined for a fall because he is not thinking clearly. This is because he is distracted by a constant concern: "What is that danged Revised Title about? Like I'm supposed to remember what the contest was three weeks ago from these nonsensical words? Couldn't they at least give the original title along with it?" (Lyell Roedick, Springfield) [Adam gets his wish, but, alas, it is too late to save mankind.] Cartoon D Bob is disclosing the disastrous debut of D.C.'s new Drive-Thru Narcolepsy Diagnosis Center. (Selma Mathias, Harrisonburg, Va.) Staake, trying his hand at editorial cartooning, shows Dennis Kucinich pointing out that the administration is asleep at the wheel. Unfortunately, neither Bob nor anyone else has any idea what Dennis Kucinich looks like. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob is warning that the McCain-Feingold Act will have a profound impact on the way campaigns are financed, diminishing soft-money contributions from large corporations, which may result in higher profiles for candidates backed by traditionally underrepresented demographics. Also, that guy is about to hit a tree. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) "Z" and "car" can be rearranged to spell "Czar," who is depicted here as a DRIVER in deep SLEEP. We are being told anagrammatically that the Czar's work was considered DRIVEL by his PEERS. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Combinations: (C) A just-filled potty doesn't smell! (D) A sleeping driver lets go of the steering wheel! (A) A surgeon is lopping off people's derrieres! All this is astonishing news -- no whiffs, hands or butts about it. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Bob is trying to explain where he picked up his infection. He isn't sure if it could have come from a toilet seat (C), but that transvestite tennis player (E) is a real possibility. Then there's that guy he slept with in the car (D) or that really good-looking guy he saw in Rome (B). But, in any case, he really needs to figure it out because, based on the treatment (A), it seems really serious. (Russell Beland, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 540, published January 11, 2004 Week 540: Revisionist History, or Badenov for You? The eruption of Mount Vesuvius: Pompeii Circumstance, or Falling on Their Ash Watergate: Nixsinning, or Lies, Lies and Audiotape Rosie Ruiz cheating to win the Boston Marathon: Cheaters Never Perspire, or Long Day's Journey Into Naught In the several minutes each week that Russell Beland of Springfield is not working on Style Invitational entries, he reminisces about "Rocky and Bullwinkle," the animated TV comedy that was the "Simpsons" of its time in its hilarious mix of sophisticated and juvenile humor, political and social satire, and mile-a-minute groaner puns. Russell reminds us that at the end of each episode, the announcer would intone a teaser about the next show that stated its topic two ways, at least one of them containing a pun: "Tune in next time for 'Axe Me Another,' or 'Tails, You Lose.' " (It was about an impending execution.) Since "R&B" is now history, Russell suggests you apply this form to history: State any news event (or old event) in this "A, or B" form, which also happens to be that of our Revised Titles. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a coffee mug from the Web site of Bob Staake, one of the most dynamic, original, colorful and humorous cartoonists working today. The mug is plain white with a black bar around it containing the name of the site in white letters; there are no pictures, no color, and nothing funny whatsoever. It is as if Mr. Staake refuses to allow your coffee-stained mouth to touch his art. Thanks, Bob, for sending it to us! Bob wins a pebble. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational Magnet (see below). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 20. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report From Week 536, in which we asked you to supply some words we could stick on the back of the Inker, pictured here. The most commonly recurring theme among the entries was a play on Cogito ergo sum. In addition to those that were actually clever or at least made sense, the Empress also was forced to endure Cogito ergo slum; Cogito ergo sue me; Cogito ergo sump; Cogito ergo pun; Inkito ergo sum; and in English: I ink, therefore I yam; . . . I ham; . . . I lame; . . . I lose; and . . . I spam. Not to mention I stink, therefore I win and I quip, therefore Rodin. Meanwhile, the Empress also announces the winners of a contest she didn't even tell you about: Given that the Invitational is running a tad low on bumper stickers right now -- in much the way that Saddam Hussein is running a tad low on housing options -- she hereby announces the winners of the Honorable Mention Magnet Slogan contest (culled from the more generic of this week's entries), to be inscribed on the Mildly Sought-After Loser Magnets of 2004: The Style Invitational Makes Me Gag (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The Pen Is Mightier Than the Mind (Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.) Back to the Inker back: Third runner-up: I asked for a bronzed hunk and got this! (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Second runner-up: I ink, erefore I am. (Kirk J. Eilers, Philipsburg, Mont.) First runner-up, the winner of the disgusting fake feet: "O, what a noble mind is here o'er throne." (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) And the winner of the Inker: I just made Number One! (Andrew Elby, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Does this bag make my head look fat? (Greg Pearson, Arlington) I won squat from The Style Invitational. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The Republic of China disavows any role in the manufacture of this product. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) [Actually, the Inker (sans bag) is made in Thailand.] Drop in any mailbox. Return postage guaranteed. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.; Russell Beland, Springfield) Cogito ergo something. (Tom Greening, North Bethesda) Incognito ergo scum. (Erika Reinfeld, Somerville, Mass.) Caution: Contents of bag may be hot. (Jim Reed, Wales, Wis.) Warning: Person shown smaller than actual size. (Russell Beland, Springfield) I've thunk and I can't get up! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) This statue now guaranteed not to come to life and kill you. (Greg Pearson, Arlington) For external use only. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) [This space intentionally left blank] (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) I Empressed (Cecil J. Clark, Arlington) A mind is a terrible thing to waste on The Style Invitational. (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) They said there wouldn't be enough room fo (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.) You're Ink Competent! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The Style Invitational: Under New Mismanagement (Russell Beland, Springfield) My Other Prize Is a Hunk of Crap, Too (Russell Beland, Springfield) Not for Use as a Flirtation Device (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Thanks. I've been working out. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Machine wash cold. Use non-chlorine bleach only. Tumble dry low. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Some people were made for thinking. For the rest of us, there's The Style Invitational. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Ingredients: Iron, cerium, sulfur (FeCeS), i.e., wholly crap. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) This Side Toward Fan (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) This cherished prize has been designated for you and you alone, Mr./Ms. [Name] (Joseph Romm, Washington) I am the Inker, I'm pensive by nature; I'm pondering now where the T and the H are. (Pete Hughes, Alexandria) Hmm, DO I have any Grey Poupon? (Bob Nowak, Euclid, Ohio) Top Entry That Wasn't Legally Actionable or Morally Repugnant Award (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Press here to open door to Batcave.(Russell Beland, Springfield) Not sold in stores, though not for lack of trying. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Some people come to sit and think, I just came to . . . What rhymes with "sit and think"? (Bird Waring, New York) Me and My Bright Ideas (Tom Madison, Alexandria) If you can read this sign, you're gonna be sorry when I finish my beans. (Erika Reinfeld, Somerville, Mass.) ====================================================================== WEEK 541, published January 18, 2004 Week 541: Celled Up the River This week's contest: In the Heights of Modern Rudeness department, it's hard to top that guy in the checkout line or at the post office who insists on yakking on his cell phone while conducting a transaction with the person in front of him. Wouldn't it be great if that person really paid for it? Elden Carnahan of Laurel suggests that you give us a delicious scenario, like the one below, in which the yakker's yakking could be taken profitably out of context. Sommelier: "Would monsieur care to try the 1976 Schleswig-Verrazano? It is only $450 the bottle." Yakker, speaking to his foreman about dumpsters at a construction site: "Yeah, get me 10 of 'em -- and dammit, make sure they're empty." First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a seemingly perfectly serious souvenir shot glass with the coat of arms of the "U.S. Navel Academy, Annapolis." Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after new Style Invitational Magnets pictured below. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 26. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 537, in which we asked you to write irresponsibly sensationalistic headlines for actual Washington Post stories: Third runner-up: KNIFE-WIELDING MAN ON WEST BANK GOES AFTER TOURISTS! Real headline: "Struggle of Family Nativity Carving Business Reflects Bethlehem's Woes" (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Second runner-up: ANOTHER D.C. MAYOR SEEN LIGHTING UP! "At a ceremony last night, D.C. Mayor Anthony A. Williams switched on the newly restored, historic street lights" (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) First runner-up, the winner of the remote-control fart machine: MALVO WON'T DIE LIKE A MAN! Lee Boyd Malvo gets a life sentence; his youth is cited as a factor.(Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) And the winner of the Inker: WASHINGTON INFERNO TERROR LINKED TO FRANCE! "French Fry Fire Damages Kitchen" (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Honorable Mentions: J. LOPEZ'S IMPRESSIVE BOOTY FLASHED IN BALTO! "The Baltimore Orioles agreed to terms Sunday night with catcher Javy Lopez on a three-year contract believed to be worth $23 million" (Heather Abelson, New York; Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) MICHAEL JACKSON UNABLE EVEN TO DRESS SELF, EXPERT ATTESTS! Fashion columnist Robin Givhan laments Jackson's courtroom attire. (Russell Beland, Springfield) DEATH TOLL HITS 152 AT AREA PARKS! Howard County sponsored a deer hunt. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) LADY JUDGE IN THREE-WAY WITH D.A., LAWYER! "Judge Faces Three-Way Contest in St. Mary's" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) FAVRE RETURNS FROM DEAD, THROWS 4 TD PASSES! Packers quarterback Brett Favre played the Monday after his father died. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) WOMANIZING EX-PREZ FOUND GUILTY IN LAND DEAL! "Jefferson Convicted in Mock Trial on La. Purchase" (Danny Bravman, Potomac) SENATE LEADER ADMITS INVOLVEMENT IN MONKEY BUSINESS! Sen. Bill Frist, a physician, tells of performing surgery on an orangutan at the National Zoo. (Robin D. Grove, Chevy Chase) TIPSY VIRGIN EMPLOYEE PINCHED IN BUST! "Pilot Pulled From Dulles Flight Faces Charges Over Drinking" (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) PROMISING 'A PARTY,' ADULTS LURE YOUNG CHILDREN FROM HOMES! Kids were given free-admission buttons to the First Night Annapolis festival. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) BUSH TO ALIENS: COME ON DOWN! "Immigration Reform on Bush Agenda" (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) JETS INTERCEPTED NEAR NYC FIVE TIMES THIS WEEK! New England 21, New York 17 (Russell Beland, Springfield) COUPLE CHARGED $76 FOR FOOD AT McDONALD'S RESTAURANT! Story on Wall Street bonuses quoted Lever House restaurant owner John McDonald. (Russell Beland, Springfield) GOVERNOR LINKED TO DRUG TRADE! Illinois' Rod Blagojevich is seeking federal permission to import pharmaceuticals from Canada. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) VOYEURS FLOCK TO RED-LIGHT DISTRICT PEEP SHOW! Three landers are scheduled to visit Mars. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) ED BRADLEY TO GET IN BED WITH JACKO FOR "SPECIAL" EVENING! "CBS Gets Interview, Jackson Gets Special" (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls; Beth Benson, Lanham) PENTAGON: U.S. TROOPS SHOULD BE SHOT! "General Defends Anthrax Shots for Troops" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) WEALTHY MAN TREATED LIKE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT! The Orioles' $22.5 million contract with Javy Lopez is contingent on his passing a physical. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) ZOMBIES FOUND IN BALTIMORE HOSPITAL! Johns Hopkins has cut back on medical residents' 90-hour workweeks. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) CAPTIVES UNDER TORTURE BEG FOR LIFE! "Tormented Jurors Argued, Cried and Wavered" before agreeing on a life sentence for Malvo. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) 60 KILOTONS OVER PYONGYANG! "U.S. Sending 60,000 Tons of Food to N. Korea" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) EAGER TO SCORE, VA. TECH MEN DRIVE MILES TO GET SOME TROJANS! "Hokies to Face USC in '04 Season Opener" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) IV BRINGS DEAD ROYAL BACK TO LIFE! Several exciting new productions of Shakespeare's "Henry IV" have been staged. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) FAMILIES KILL CATS DURING XMAS FEAST! "Holiday Treats and Trimmings Can Be Deadly to Curious Pets" (Tom Madison, Alexandria) And Last: MD. MAN RUINS WIFE'S XMAS BY REVEALING ALL IN POST! "Earlier this month, Jay Ireland of Bethesda bought his wife a digital camera," Dec. 21 (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) ====================================================================== WEEK 542, published January 25, 2004 Week 542: Discombobulate Us A buffet table where the food is doled out so sloppily that it ends up mished into an oleaginous mess resembling the contents of someone's stomach: Smeargasbord (a neat pairing of "smear" and "smorgasbord"). Friday marked the retirement of a Washington Post institution: nice-guy columnist Bob Levey, who for more than 20 years, five days a week, represented The Post's public-spirited, helpful, friendly, avuncular side with his fundraising drives for Children's Hospital and Send a Kid to Camp; his action-line phone calls on behalf of readers who'd been given the runaround; and his monthly neologism contest, in which Bob would come up with some familiar, funny object or situation that didn't yet have a name. For example, here's an actual winner from November 2001, by Susan Eaton of Taos, N.M.: The reluctance of ketchup to come out of the bottle: Redicence. As Bob noted: "What a tangy merger of 'red' and 'reticence'!" As a salute to that last aspect of his job -- not to mention a blatant ploy to draw his regular contestants over to The Style Invitational -- we offer This Week's Contest: Come up with both an object/situation and a neologism for it. But here is the catch: Bob, in addition to being a nice guy, is a tasteful guy. A grown-up guy. Your neologism should be something that Bob would never have stooped to print in his column, though it also cannot be something The Washington Post won't print at all. Be sure to explain your entry. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins an exceptionally rare, vintage "The Uncle Loves Me" Style Invitational T-shirt in an unlovely lime green. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt in a menacing blood red. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after new Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 2. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 538, in which The Empress welcomed entries for any previous contest: either new entries (which could refer to recent events) or old ones rejected by the old regime. She was deluged with both varieties (this page could have been filled with Michael Jackson jokes alone), and at least some previous rejects did gain The Empress's favor this time around. We won't tell you which ones. Fourth runner-up: High school team names for real towns: The Boring (Md.) Examples of the Many Benefits of the Metric System (Russell Beland, Springfield) Third runner-up: Change a word by one letter and redefine it: Whoroscope: "February will bring many new social engagements, as will March, April, May . . ."(Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Second runner-up: Fractured syllogisms: A watched pot never boils. An unwatched pot boils away all its water. Therefore you'll never be able to cook spaghetti. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) First runner-up, the winner of the man's-butt salt-and-pepper shakers: Rearrange words of a move title: "Report Minority": The New Jersey Highway Patrol training film (also known as "Suspects the Usual") (Charles D. Star, New York) And the winner of the Inker: Combine any two halves of words hyphenated in that day's paper: Epipha-thing: The sudden moment of clarity when you realize your vocabulary, like, sucks. (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: Cutesy signs for men's and ladies' rooms: At the Ernest Hemingway Museum: Haves and Have-Nots. (Helene Haduch, Alexandria) Bad first drafts of famous lines: Go ahead, punk. Enrich my life! (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) Change a quote by one letter: "There's got to be a moaning after." -- Marquis de Sade (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Children's books we'll never see: "Where's Jacko?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Movie prequels: "Babette's Snack": A domestic servant finds some coins in the gutter and spends them on popcorn for her employers (140 min.; subtitles). (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) "So" jokes: Iraq had so many weapons of mass destruction we can't even begin to count them. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Is that your ... or ...?" insults: Is that your breath or do you use Tic Tacs as suppositories? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) A sequence of related objects in which the last connects to the first: Steve Spurrier / NFL coach / Jim Mora / Sodom and Gomorrah / Saddam Hussein / Spider hole / Spider-Man / Peter Parker / Peter principle / Steve Spurrier John Holmes / large organ / grand piano / instrument / guitar / Django Reinhardt / Ringo Starr / Best, Peter/ John Holmes (both by Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Useless actual facts: Despite all the words in the Eskimo language for "snow," and all the words in the English language has for "urine," neither language has a word for "yellow snow." (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Obituary headlines for celebrities: Robert Palmer: Simply Irresuscable (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Martin Luther Added to Diet of Worms(Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Marlon Brando Sleeps With the Whales (Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg) Collective nouns: a BUNCH of panties, a HORDE of prostitutes, a SEA of mediocrity (all by Russell Beland, Springfield) a BUSHEL of nucular energy (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Change a word by one letter and redefine it: Neverlad: The new, court-ordered name of Michael Jackson's amusement park. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Owboy: A guy who's into S&M with spurs and lasso. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Agency mottoes: The Justice Department: We're not blind, we just have a lazy eye. (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria) Ways to make life more complicated: Make every month have the same number of days. That would be 30.41667, except for leap years, when it would be 30.5. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Take two names or entities, extend one: Baskin-Robbinson Crusoe: Castaway is stranded on a dessert aisle. (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) Cocktails named for celebrities: The Eleanor Holmes Norton: A photograph of a stiff drink (Michael Clem, McLean) Things you shouldn't say . . . to Saint Peter: "Say, aren't you the guy who denied Christ three times?" (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) . . . in a job interview: "Five years from now? Hell, I won't be here, that's for sure!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) A line to slip into the next State of the Union address: "I want to reiterate that last point, because I don't think it was iterate enough." (Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.) Cartoon descriptions: Steve Irwin's baby wipes. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Double dactyls: Hurrier Scurrier, Stephen Orr Spurrier, You coached the Gators to Glory galore. You came to Washington, Hired the same players and Incomprehensibly, They couldn't score. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) Rearrange the words in a movie title: Tin Cat on a Hot Roof: The Tennessee Williams classic, unchanged but retitled after PETA protests. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Beneath the Apes of the Planet: A day in the life of a hooker. (Tom Klippstein, Scottsville, Va.) The offspring of any man and any woman: The child of Johnny Hart and Gloria Steinem would need a man like a fish. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Revised, upbeat endings to films: Thelma and Louise's car is really Chitty Chitty Bang Bang! (Mark Young, Washington) Ask Backwards: Answer: Because It Could Cause Asphyxia. Question: Why won't the FDA authorize Botox injections in the buttocks? (Marc Naimark, Paris) And Last: A blues song about a Washington area woe: Oh, the Czar he be retirin', Mmm, have you heard the scoop? Oh, the Czar he be retirin', Now I can't win by sayin' "poop." Instead of body functions, Got to write about the news, I got the Empress Don't Like My Juvenile Humor blues. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) ====================================================================== WEEK 543, published February 1, 2004 Week 543: Read Our Leaps This Week's Contest: Because of the Invitational's imperiously leisurely turnaround time, the results of this contest will appear, as usual, four weeks from today. What is not so usual is that they will appear Sunday, Feb. 29 -- an occurrence that cannot happen again, according to the ever-vigilant Russell Beland of Springfield, for another 28 years. Just in case our readers might not have a chance to pick up The Washington Post on Sunday, Feb. 29, 2032, or tune in the day's news dentally through their Molaradios, please fill them in on any of the following: (a) the day's lead news story; (b) the highest-flying company and its business; (c) the best- selling self-help book; and/or (d) the day's winning Style Invitational entry. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a package of Piddlers toilet targets, 20 flushable little spongy fishies to teach your 2- year-old son or your beer-sodden husband (or perhaps yourself) how to aim. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T- shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after new Style Invitational Magnets (collect two and use them as a nifty clip for your credit cards!). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202- 334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 9. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published on -- duh -- Feb. 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of North Adams, Mass. Report From Week 539, in which The Empress asked for poems about people who died in 2003. Funny ideas that were submitted by many: Satan asking "Price Is Right" announcer Rod Roddy to "Come on down!"; Bobby Hatfield has "lost that livin' feeling"; and Maurice Gibb's no longer "stayin' alive." There was an especially high dreck-to-quality ratio this week: Most of you, it seems, figured that as long as a line was a few syllables away from scanning, or a few letters away from rhyming, what the hey. Almost-rhymes and almost-scans may suffice if you're rapping out loud, but for the printed page, either make it work or we kill this doggerel. Third runner-up: Football gave George Plimpton fits. He didn't quite avoid the blitz. Like many literary scions, He couldn't read between the Lions.(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Second runner-up: Ed Teller, you fathered the hydrogen bomb, The scope of your dream's still unfurled. We'll think of your contribution to us On the day that they blow up the world. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) First runner-up, the winner of the tie with little West Virginias all over it: At 105, old Madame Chiang At last met her mortality, That's got to be a record for A Taipei personality. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And the winner of The Inker: Idi, you were real Amin, Your passing we think swell. They're laughing up in Heaven 'cause They know Uganda Hell. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: For departed Lester Maddox Comeuppance bleak awaits, To see St. Peter, ax in hand, Between the Pearly Gates. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Robert Atkins, diet guru, and Robert Ross, co-creator of the Pillsbury Doughboy Linked together forever, in fate's cruelest of barbs: Bread's Patron Saint and the Bane of the Carbs. A sticky Inferno, a Dantean feat: Set for 10 minutes at moderate heat. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) Let's celebrate here the best thing achieved By a crooner who passed in the night, And reflect on the millions of children conceived To the voice of the great Barry White. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) His caricatures were plaiN INAne but he teased the braiN IN All he spelled what AN INnovative mind we're losiN' IN Artist Al Hirschfeld (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church) Sydney Omarr, Astrologer and Leo: Died, 1/2/03. That day, your sign, your advice: "Get work done early." (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) Donald O'Connor Moses supposes Don's toeses are roses, Planted now, deep, six feet under, serene. But hear that great tap rhythm up in the thunder? O'Connor is dancin' in Heaven with Gene. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Sheb Wooley's Hell on Earth, they say, Is waking every single day Knowing some annoying twerp'll Ask you on the streets: "Is the people eater purple, Or are purple people what he eats?" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Dan Snyder of the Atlanta Thrashers hockey team: He had not his Skins, He had not his clout, But unlike OUR Dan He got the puck out. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) David Brinkley: Acerbic wit and impish smile, He seemed above the muck, but nyet, Pitched ADM and made a pile, Good night, David. Good night, Chet. (Tom Greening, North Bethesda) "This Week With David Brinkley" Survives without him rather stinkley. (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria) "Maytag repairman" Gordon Jump He never spent a minute fixing dryers, He begged the phone to ring so he could talk; At last there's productivity at Maytag: Now the deadwood's dead and off the clock. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Sen. Strom Thurmond: You preached the "Southern way of life" In various high places. (But on occasion, you'd condone Some mixing of the races.) (Jerry Norris, New Bern, N.C.) "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" survived While Hope Lange held our hearts; If e'er the show should be revived, She now could play both parts. (Bob Dalton, Arlington; Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) Gertrude Ederle: From France to England unabetted, She swam for hours, barely sweated, But once ashore, though glory won, She smelled like Channel No. 1. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Ron Ziegler's gone inoperative, We're saddened by his dying. His lips are stilled: At least, for once, We know he isn't lying. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) N!xau the Bushman is gone -- it's no joke. Died very naturally, Not beaned by a Coke. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Olympic hockey coach Herb Brooks: Life's crowning glories don't come twice: This time, no "miracle," just "on ice." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Fred Rogers is gone, and the puppets grieve In the magical Land of Make Believe. In fact, the mood is so melancholy, King Friday threw himself under the trolley. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) I can't say I'm brokenhearted To find out that he's departed. You laud his life and wipe a tear; Not me -- he ruined my career. I should have left him years ago; He never let me change, or grow! I had to play some half-wit babbler; I'd done "Streetcar"! "Hedda Gabler"! Now I'm typecast, just some joke, All from those stupid lines I spoke. So mourn his passing if you choose, I'll lie in the sun and snooze, And wake to arch my back and hiss: "Yo, Fred Rogers: Meow meow THIS." (Henrietta Pussycat, Pittsburgh) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Humor blues. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) ====================================================================== WEEK 544, published February 8, 2004 Week 544: You Gotta Have Heart Okay, okay, we screwed it up, We've caused eternal pain. But hey, today it's Valentine's -- So let's go raise some Cain. This week's contest: The approach of Valentine's Day can make even The Empress -- that bastion of icy, tut-tut unsentimentality -- just a teensy bit goopy. Not that she would ever send a valentine herself, so help her indulge vicariously: Write us some valentine sentiments from one particular person (real or fictional) to another, as in the example above. They don't have to be in verse. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins an amazing Valentine's garment: a remarkable thong teddy from Frederick's of Hollywood in a tuxedo motif, if your idea of a tuxedo includes spaghetti straps, frilly lace trim and two little black tails to hang over your bare backside. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt in Ultra Valentine Red. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after new Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 16. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 540, in which we asked for news or historical events to be presented in the "Rocky and Bullwinkle" "A, or B" format of groaner puns or other halfwitticisms. This assignment was attacked with great fervor by a few people who bombarded The Empress with entries all week long, including a couple who must have majored in Obscure European History at Wassamatta U. (the 1566 Compromise of Breda?). Third runner-up: 1975 -- Metric Conversion Act passed by Congress: Take Us to Your Liter, or Tens Anyone? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second runner-up: 2001 -- Bush's tax cuts: Deficit Attention Disorder, or No Rothschild Left Behind (Andrew Elby, Arlington) First runner-up, the winner of the plain old boring BobStaake.com coffee mug: 1066 -- The Norman Conquest: Saxon Violence, or Let Me Run This Bayeux (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the winner of the Inker: 1854 -- The Charge of the Light Brigade: Fools Speed Ahead, or Is That Your Final Lance, Sir? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) A timeline of Honorable Mentions: 65 million years ago: Extinction of the dinosaurs: Sic Semper Tyrannosaurus, or You're Looking Awfully Paleo (Danny Bravman, Potomac) c. 1250 B.C.: The Exodus: A Parting Wave, or I Just Dropped a Couple Tablets (Russell Beland, Springfield) c. 1200 B.C. : Trojan War: The Last Time I Saw Paris, or Beware of Gifts Bearing Greeks (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) c. 900 B.C. : The judgment of Solomon: Split Decision, or Halving My Baby(Russell Beland, Springfield) 431-404 B.C.: Peloponnesian Wars: A Tale of Thucydides, or Hellas-a-Poppin' (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) 31 B.C.: Octavian at the Battle of Actium: Surrender Unto Caesar, or Let's Win One for Agrippa! (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) 1773: The Boston Tea Party: Of Tea I Fling, or Hurl Grey (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 1779 : France comes to the aid of America against Britain: Lafayette You, Not With You, or Burgoyne to Be Sorry (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 1814: Napoleon is exiled to Elba: Corporal Punishment, or All This for a Lousy Palindrome? (Russell Beland, Springfield) 1836: The Alamo: Mission Impossible, or Texas Toast (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 1846: The Donner Party disaster: Family Dinner, or Meat: The Parents (Bird Waring, New York) 1846-48: The Mexican-American War: Juarez Hell, or Tijuana Make Something of It? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) late 1800s: Liberia adopts slavery of native tribes: On the American Plan, or It Takes One to Own One (Russell Beland, Springfield) 1907-14: The digging of the Panama Canal: Sedimental Journey, or The Wicked Ditch of the West (Miles Townes, St. Andrews, Scotland) 1920-28 : Paavo Nurmi wins Olympic gold: Lapps the Field, or Nice Finnish Guys Last (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) 1929-39: The Great Depression: American Idle, or Stock in First Gear (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 1933 : Roosevelt declares a Bank Holiday: A Cure for the Runs, or Do Not Collect $200 (Russell Beland, Springfield) 1935: Release of the game Monopoly: Now Boarding, or Playing the Race Car (Russell Beland, Springfield) 1937: The Hindenburg explosion: Dead Zeppelin, or Light My Flier (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.; Russell Beland, Springfield) 1944 : The D-Day invasion: Strife's a Beach, or Did Juno We Were Coming? (Michael Denyszyn, New York) 1957: Introduction of the Edsel: Building a Car Bomb, or The Lemon Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree (Russell Beland, Springfield) 1962: The Cuban Missile Crisis: Them Ain't Cigars, or Armageddon Nervous (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) 1968: The Soviets invade Czechoslovakia: Croaking Prague, or Dubcek's Bounced (Gordon Labow, Glenelg) 1969: The moon landing: One Giant Schlep, or Neil Before Me (Buzz Aldrin, Los Angeles) (Cliff Cummins, Hyattsville) 1971: Admission of People's Republic of China to the United Nations: Peking Into the Naked City, or A China in the Bull Shop (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) 1996: The Clinton-Lewinsky scandal: Secret Service, or Insert Bill Here (David Iscoe, Washington) 1996: Clinton explains the situation: Her and Her Big Mouth, or I'm Incurably Semantic (Russell Beland, Springfield) 1999: Bob Dole pitches Viagra: Where There's a Pill, There's a Way, or I'm as Horny as Kansas in August (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) 2001: The Enron scandal: Piling It Up Fastow and Fastow, or A Man Is Known By the Company He Keeps Looting (Roy Ashley, Washington) 2003: Richard Grasso resigns: The Bucks Stop Here, or NYSE Seein' Ya (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) 2003: U.S. handling of postwar Iraq: Peace-Poor Planning, or Throwing the Baby Out With the Baath Water (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) 2003: Michael Jackson arrested: Goodbye, Mr. Chimps, or The King of Perp (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) 2004: Style Invitational succession: Czar He Goes, or Beyond the Call of Doody (Sue Lin Chong, Washington; Greg Krakower, New York) Join The Empress online Tuesday at noon on washingtonpost.com. ====================================================================== WEEK 545, published February 15, 2004 Week 545: Put It in Reverse lagelli: a gangster's favorite pasta Kartma: a third-class railroad ecnatsid: an annoying insect that you wish were far away from you eroma: the fragrance of love After 544 weeks, we can't deny that many, perhaps most Style Invitational contests are in some way variants -- and occasionally out-and-out repeats -- of previous ones from the past decade. But this week's, we are convinced, is utterly new. And not just that: It is also elegantly simple in concept and addictively fun to do. It was suggested by Richard Grantham of Melbourne, Australia, who for some reason chose to move from the way better-named Indooroopilly. Richard is a word wizard with his own contest site that we will celebrate and publicize as soon as we figure out the best way to rip it off. He wins a souvenir bust of President Bush, provided he comes to our office to pick it up. This Week's Contest: Spell a word backward and define it, with the definition relating in some way to the original word. The Empress expects to be inundated with thousands of entries, so strive for originality and really clever wording. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a cross-section model of the human ear, including a eustachian tube clogged with "Infection, Inflammation and Edema." Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after new Style Invitational Magnets, which you might not want to stick on your computer. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 23. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 541, in which you supplied scenarios in which someone yakking on his cell phone instead of responding to the person addressing him would get what he deserved: Fourth runner-up: Homeowner talking to landscaping contractor while attending the State of the Union address: "I want to get rid of the entire hill -- but first things first, I want to take out all the bushes." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Third runner-up: Doctor : "That was a terrible blow your face took. How's your nose doing?" Yakker to union shop steward: "I can't picket anymore since I went into the hospital because of that scab. Can someone picket for me?" (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Second runner-up: Waiter at a Chinese restaurant: "May I take your order?" Yakking veterinarian: "Yes, your cat will be fine. Just make sure that it's warm and the shoulder doesn't get too tender." (Russell Beland, Springfield) First runner-up, the winner of the shot glass with the coat of arms of the "U.S. Navel Academy, Annapolis": Flight attendant: "Now boarding for Los Angeles." TV exec yakking to a colleague about a planned sitcom: "Hi, Jack? Look, we've got a real bomb here -- let's go ahead and kill the pilot."(Jonathan Kaye, Washington) And the winner of the Inker: Florist: "This bouquet will really cheer up your girlfriend in the hospital. What would you like to say on the card?" Yakker, with bad reception: "Yo. We're breaking up. I have GOT to find a better service provider." (Erika Reinfeld, Somerville, Mass.) Honorable Mentions: Surgeon: "Now, the implants are available in various sizes . . ." Yakker to wedding dress designer: "Just brushing the floor would be perfect." (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Campaign fundraising official: "How much can you contribute?" Yakker selecting a pepper grinder on his niece's wedding registry at Crate & Barrel: "Put me down for a mill." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Talent agent during a routine traffic stop: "Trust me, I've got the perfect heroine. Of course, you're going to have to pay something extra." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Hot chick at bar: "So would you like to take me home?" Yakker talking about his first time piloting the family sailboat: "I'm really excited about this, but I'm gonna have my dad watch the whole time so I don't mess up too much. I want him to bring his video camera so he can go over in detail later what I was doing wrong." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Reporter: "So what do you think of Lieberman for president?" Yakker, speaking to his wife who is at the grocery store: "Forget it -- we don't need any more juice!" (Erica Rabbin, College Park) Car salesman: "Well, in addition to the DVD, the GPS and satellite radio, options include heated seats, spoiler kit, built-in cell phone, chrome wheels . . ." Yakker to Girl Scout: "You sweet dear -- I'll just take one of everything you've got. Just charge me and drop it off at my house." (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Co-worker: "My kid is swimming in a pool fundraiser this weekend. Would you like to sponsor him?" Yakker negotiating with an entertainment agency for a stag party: "Okay, how about 50 bucks a lap?" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Auctioneer: "Bidding for the 2,000-year-old Aramean chalice, believed to be the Holy Grail, now stands at $3.45 million. Are there any other offers? Going once, going twice . . ." Yakker to chiropractor: "Well, I'm raising my right hand directly toward the ceiling and shaking it vigorously, and it still doesn't feel any better." (Peter Levitan, Sherman Oaks, Calif.) Obstetrician: "Mrs. Jones, would you like to try to deliver naturally or opt for the Caesarean?" Yakker to her mechanic about an engine overhaul: "You just go ahead and yank that thing out of there. It's been tapping and rattling and sometimes I even see smoke coming out of my rear end." (Judith Cottrill, New York) Urologist: "Please turn your head and cough while I check this out." Yakker to wife about problems with cable company: "Hell, you can cut the damn thing off, for all I care -- it's not like we're using it all that much." (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) General: "What should we do with the new suspect?" John Ashcroft yakking to his wife about their new puppy: "Hit him with a rolled-up newspaper and then put his nose in his poop." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Police officer: "Have you been drinking, sir?" Yakker to plumber about leaky toilet: "I'd say, oh, about a quart every hour or so." (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Cop: "License and registration, please, ma'am." Yakker to mechanic: "I know you people try to rip me off just because I'm a woman. But my husband told me it shouldn't cost a penny more than a hundred dollars to get something like this fixed." (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Cashier: "Debit or credit?" Customer to home heating repairman: "Just clean out that register and dump everything in the bag." (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Teacher at parent-teacher conference: "Billy is having trouble with bullies." Father to lawyer about his upcoming case: "Well, you just make sure his hands are tied. He needs to take it lying down!" (Emily Conron, Alexandria) Michael Jackson in court, discussing the ears of corn and steamed crabs he wants for his victory cookout, and the jet he's chartering afterward: "I want them fresh . . . all males, gotta be all males . . . and Virgin, definitely Virgin." (Russell Beland, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 546, published February 22, 2004 Week 546: A Nice Pair of Cities The Why (Ariz.)-Whynot (Miss.) Conference on Risk Assessment The Sawtooth (Alaska)-Tuscaloosa (Ala.) Dental Research Institute The Hot Coffee (Miss.)-Tea (S.D.)-Orme (Tenn.) Flight Attendants' Reunion This week's contest was suggested by Jane Auerbach of Los Angeles, who, while new to the Greater Loser Community, has been delving with an almost worrisome verve into Style Invitational history. Jane suggests combining elements of two classic contests -- one based on team names for particular towns, the other on joint legislation -- for a contest to come up with Sister Cities: Choose any two or more real U.S. towns and come up with a joint endeavor they would undertake, as in the examples above. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a bag of a genuine San Francisco Treat, courtesy of Mary Ann Henningsen of Hayward, Calif.: Fruit Flavored Beef Jerky, direct from Chinatown but also containing a Spanish translation (cecina de res) as well as Chinese. The main ingredients are beef and fruit punch concentrate. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after new Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, March 1. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 542, in which we pay homage to newly retired Post columnist Bob Levey by corrupting his monthly neologism contest into our own All Tasteless Edition. In tribute and with a certain curiosity, The Empress, after choosing her winners, sent Bob a list of all the entries below and asked if he'd make his own choice. He responded quickly with his picks, enthusing, "These entries are so good that it makes a newly-retired neologism guy wanna come ba-a-a-a-ack." And his winner? It was -- we swear to you -- the same entry that The Empress had chosen. Which goes to show that if Bob hadn't had to be so goshdarn honorable over there on the comics pages, his own contest might have been just a bit spicier. Fourth runner-up: While some kids are having sex at younger and younger ages, others are actually waiting longer. Someone who waits a really long time is called a cherryatric. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Third runner-up: What do you call it when you explain your well-timed indecent exposure as a "wardrobe malfunction"? How about niplomacy? Or siliconniving. (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Second runner-up: The little serenade your stomach performs after a midnight refrigerator raid: It's eine schweine Nachtmusik. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) First runner-up, the winner of a genuine "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt: Too much plastic surgery on a woman past a certain age produces an unintended, sort of cadaverous effect: Call it sepulchritude. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) And the winner of the Inker: It's sad to say that there are some guys around who'd ogle a breastfeeding mother. You'd call a somebody like this a La Lecher. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Bob also singled out for special mention this one by Tom Witte, who wins only his admiration, since The Style Invitational has no budget for fancy lunches: Some guys believe that a woman's most important side is behind her. These guys could be called cannoisseurs. Honorable Mentions: When you put the plastic top on your morning cup of takeout, and coffee spurts out of the little hole in the lid, it's called premature ecafulation. (Michelle Harvey, Takoma Park) People who are on fire jump about and twitch so! This frenzied, comical movement might be called the inflammenco. (Tom Witte) A newspaper's economizing by chopping dozens of veteran journalists off its payroll: costration. (That, of course, is a mix of "cost" and "ration.") (John O'Byrne, Dublin) You consider terrorists to be evil, of course, yet one of them catches your eye in the newspaper, because, well, he's a great looker. You'd call this man a jihottie. (Tom Witte) You realize you've been spending many of your working hours mulling over how best to stick it to your golden-boy co-worker. You might call this scruminating. (Tom Kreitzberg) You're a down-on-your-luck student in 19th-century Russia. Your planned murder of the landlady was going swimmingly. But then her sister walked in on you at just the wrong moment, and darn it, you had to take her out, too. This pesky frustration is called D'oh! svidanya. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) You step on the elevator and push the fourth-floor button. Before the doors close, an incredibly attractive woman rushes in and presses Floor 20. Your unfortunate early departure could be called Otis interruptus. (Chris Doyle) The look on a guy's face when he learns how his girlfriend has been managing to buy up that closetful of Manolos: whorror. (Virginia Fairchild, Alpharetta, Ga.) Phone sex is phone sex, but cell phone sex is Nookia. (Chris Doyle) Your husband brought home a copy of the Kama Sutra and is determined to try all 153 positions over the next five months: Get ready for the shtup du jour. (Chris Doyle) That line of rubberneckers driving slowly by the scene of a traffic accident hoping to see some gore? It's an abattour. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) You have been doing so well at hiding your disgusting habits from the new sweetie, until inevitably, you horrify her by hawking up half a lung right onto the sidewalk. This unfortunate but decisive way to end a promising relationship is a Waterloogie. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) The first time you use Viagra and your libido is, well, raised from the dead, you experience tombescence. (Chris Doyle) Someone who has money up the wazoo could be said to suffer from Hummerhoids. (Deb Parrish, Fairfax Station) If you're really sharp at predicting when that special woman in your life will be in a bad mood, you could be said to be acumenstrual. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) You're on your tiptoes, eyeing the cover of Hustler on the top row of the magazine rack, when a woman from church walks up. You quickly grab a copy of the Economist. This maneuver is called highbrowsing. (Chris Doyle) Surely you've experienced that common feeling that the Earth will be destroyed by eucalyptus-devouring pseudo-ursine demons. Well, now there's a name for it: apokoalypse. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Submitting a huge, stinking mess of entries to The Style Invitational and claiming them as your own when, in fact, you copied and pasted them en masse from Web sites like unwords.com is plagiarrhea, a totally original combo of "plagiarism" and "huge, stinking mess." (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) Some guys care only about one trait in a woman, and they're very upfront about it. These guys could be called aficionudders. Or chesthetes. (Tom Witte) That irritation caused by envy of other Style Invitational entries, leaving the victim scratching his head and lamenting, "Why didn't I think of that?" That's what we call a case of joke itch. (Jeff Brechlin) Nobody, but nobody is more boring than a preachy ex-alcoholic. This kind of person is called an AA-hol[ic]. (Tom Witte) You know how people throw around terms from Eastern religion and pop psych to sound smarter than they are? The term for that is Upanischadenfreude. It's a mix of "Upanishad," a foreign word that probably means something, and "schadenfreude," which is another one. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And last: The Czar is gone and the Empress, being a lady, won't accept the gross vulgarities that have been submitted in the past. Her intellectual level could be termed: non compost mentis (as in not allowing poop jokes). (Marleen May, Rockville) [As you can see, we are indeed in a new era.] ====================================================================== WEEK 547, published February 29, 2004 Week 547: Give Us a Bad Name Wham-O is a good name for a toy company but a bad name for . . . Red Lobster is a good name for a seafood restaurant but a bad name for a sunscreen. Soft & Dri is a good name for a brand of deodorant but a bad name for brand of pickles. This week's contest, suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Olney, who stole the idea from "The Tonight Show" a couple of months ago, is to take an existing product or business name and pair it with an incompatible one, as in the examples above. Don't steal your entries, though; "bad name" doesn't begin to describe what you would suffer. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a fabulous prize donated to us by Paul Kondis of Alexandria: two plush, squeezable, cuddly toy germs, 1 million times actual size. Specifically, Athlete's Foot, which is a little orange guy of irregular shape, and Ulcer, an elongated critter with flagella sprouting from its head, such as it is. (Really, now, how many chances do you have to give your favorite baby athlete's foot or an ulcer?) Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, March 8. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 28. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 543, in which we speculate on the next time the Invitational falls on a Feb. 29, in 2032. Many entries discussed President Jenna Bush or President Chelsea Clinton; lots of you told of baseball franchises awarded to East Grand Forks or Tikrit, as Washington continued to wait. In fact, lots of people had the same ideas about lots of things. If your general idea appears below with someone else's name after it, please see your local Department of Vital Statistics. You can change your name to that one, and then we'll send you a magnet. Third runner-up: The Feb. 29, 2032, winning Style Invitational entry: A bad thing to say to the Supreme Alien Overlord: "What's up with the anal probes? Can't we just cuddle?" (Erika Reinfeld, Somerville, Mass.) Second runner-up: Lead news story of Feb. 29, 2032: Hundreds Dead in Segway Pileup (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) First runner-up, the winner of the Piddlers instructional toilet targets: Lead news story: Washington (AP) -- "no LOL 2day," sez prez, "bcz bird flu kilt 200k!!!!" (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) And the winner of the Inker: The winning Style Invitational entry of Feb. 29, 2032: Use a person's name as an acronym for an appropriate quote: President. Ambassador. Representative. I've served honorably in life, triumphing over naysayers. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Honorable Mentions: The lead news story of Feb. 29, 2032: Al Qaeda Threatens Security Council Veto (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Post Issues Historic Print Edition After Third Day of Internet Blackout(Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) Cincinnati Oceanfront Property Values Soar (Robin and Paul Parry, Arlington) Mayor Barry Jr. Says Powder Was for Athlete's Foot: "Itch Set Me Up" (Mark Young, Washington) WWIII Obliterates 30 U.S. Cities; D.C. Awarded Major League Franchise (Milo Sauer) United Negro College Fund Finally Updates Name; To Become United Negro University Fund (Russell Beland, Springfield) Tree Museum Opens; People Pay a Dollar and a Half Just to See Them (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Round of "Survivor" to Be Set on Earth (Russell Beland) With Cancer, Heart Disease Cured, Socialites Sponsor Hangnail Ball (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) KFC Changes Name to K (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Demi Moore Romances 50-Year-Old! (Russell Beland) "Harry Potter and the Enlarged Prostate" Sweeps Oscars (Robin and Paul Parry) Social Security Powerball Hits $1.2 Billion (Chris Doyle) President Sandler, House Speaker Carrey Butt Heads (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And Last: Longtime recluse E. Jerontophiel Carnahan, 79, was discovered crushed to death in his home under an enormous pile of newspaper clippings, some dating back to the 1990s. Oddly, according to police sources, all were from Sunday editions of the now-defunct Washington Post. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The highest-flying company: ConservaTivo, which adds digital clothing onto naked TV characters (Milo Sauer) Embedacel, maker of cell phones that can be implanted in a fetus in the first trimester -- two months earlier than the competition (Bill Moulden, Frederick) Big Al's Smog Saws (Russell Beland) Downjohn Pharmaceuticals, maker of the Viagra antidote (Bob Wallace, Reston) The best-selling self-help book: Where There's a Will: Personal Healing After You Put Grandma to Sleep (Bob Dalton) Heather Has Three Mommies and One Happy Daddy (Jeff Brechlin) Languor Management: Handling Life Without Work (Chris Doyle) This Ain't Your Grandpa's Ecstasy (Judith Cottrill, New York) Don't Sweat the Small Stuff: It's Time for the Spine-Chilling Fear (John O'Byrne, Dublin) You CAN Beat Mutated-Platypus Flu (Tom Witte) The Feb. 29, 2032, winning Style Invitational entry: Report from Week 1999: What Does God Feel Like? [winners interned by Homeland Security Thoughtcrime Agency] (Elden Carnahan) And the winner of the vintage 2004 "The Scream" tie with Howard Dean goes to . . . (Nick Sibilla, Reston) And the winner of the suppository shaped like Planet Zorg: "A black hole in the hand is worth . . . shwwwooop!!!! Aaagh! (Chuck Smith's Preserved Head, Woodbridge) (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) ====================================================================== WEEK 548, published March 7, 2004 Week 548: Inklings Little Dickie Cheney's mother could never keep track of that child. Little Denny Kucinich kept sneaking snacks from the broccoli jar. Little Georgie Bush tore up the neighbor's garden because his best friends told him the Great Pumpkin was hidden in it. This week's contest: If we only knew then . . . As The Style Invitational turns 11 years old today, up-and-coming Loser Erika Reinfeld of Somerville, Mass., suggests that you tell us about certain people's childhood experiences and behaviors that hint at their destinies, as in the examples above. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a copy of the fine book "Wind Breaks: Coming to Terms With Flatulence." Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, March 15. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Joseph Romm of Washington. Report from Week 544, in which we asked for Valentine's sentiments from one particular person to another: Third runner-up: From Poseidon to Medusa: Oh, how I'd love to run my fingers through your snakes.(Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.) Second runner-up: Yrs., -- Calvin Coolidge to wife Grace (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) First runner-up, the winner of the Frederick's of Hollywood teddy: Laura Bush to Jacques Chirac: The courtly way you kissed my hand, The media were all agog! Though, Valentine, I always thought The lady had to kiss the frog. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the winner of the Inker: A Valentine, some hugs and pecks, A night of wild, illicit sex. As your pastor, I must say, Miss Prynne, you've earned yourself an A. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Honorable Mentions: From Michael Jackson: Your face upon my pillows Was angelic; it's amid My memories of Neverland -- Here's looking at you, kid. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Joey Buttafuoco to Amy Fisher: Hey, baby, wanna give it another shot? (Mark Young, Washington) To Alice from Ralph: Between my fits of apoplexy I find your kisser rather sexy. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) In three days I return from war, My Josephine to savor, Ah, ma cherie, please bathe no more: I like a lot of flavor. -- Napoleon (Arthur Litoff, York Springs, Pa.) To Sir, with love, Marcie (Erika Reinfeld, Somerville, Mass.) Dearest Elizabeth, I've won you, My heart would yearn for no other, But promise me, at Pemberley, You'll keep me safe from your mother. Yrs, Fitzwilliam Darcy (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) To Vincent van Gogh from his girlfriend Rachel: If you would be my Valentine, I would give you my heart, love. What will you give me? (Charles Star, New York) Mary Matalin to James Carville: Your reptile face, your Creole drawl, Like some crude yokel from the sticks -- You'd still be my strange bedfellow Regardless of your politics. (Brendan Beary) Yo, Desdemona -- Up for a little hankie-panky? -- Othello (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) From Juliet to Romeo, and vice versa: KaPuLet14: omg, ur a qt montadude: i want some booty (Erika Reinfeld) Auguste Renoir to Rosie O'Donnell: O! ma cherie, I shall paint you all mooshy, So no one will know you're très grande in the tushie. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) Robert Browning to Elizabeth Barrett Browning: Sure, happy Valentine's Day. Look, I'm trying to watch the game. Just give me the final total, okay? (Roy Ashley, Washington) You two naughty boys, you Watson and Crick, Now come over here, and show me right quick! Let's add to that double and make it a triple, We'll twist us together with nary a ripple. Your hogging the credit, it sure still is ranklin', But let's drop it tonight -- Love, Rosalind Franklin (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) To J from J: You gave my career a new chance While the prudes, at my boob, looked askance. So give me a call When your own ratings fall, And I'll reach out and pull down your pants. (Walt Johnston, Woodstock, Md.) The ark is astir on this Valentine's Day. An animal's missing, I'm sorry to say. A gerbil, perhaps, but that still needs confirming. Noah, my sweetie-pooh, why are you squirming? (Chris Doyle) Ken, my old friend, we're finished, it's clear, After 43 years, it's over between us. Not only didn't you have a career, They'd even forgotten to give you a decent haircut. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.; Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) From Kermit to Miss Piggy: My love for you is sugar-cured, You stop my heart from achin'. It's even easy being green When I bring home the bacon. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) At last you're king, at last I'm queen, (Let's not dwell on how); And no man born of woman will Separate us now. With sound and fury, Lady Macbeth (Tom Kreitzberg) For Valentine's, my dear Clarice, I hope you'll offer me your heart. But I would settle for a piece Of any other body part. -- Hannibal (John Holder, Rock Hill, S.C.) And last: Hey, Czar of The Style Invitational. You got Losers to tremble and fear ya. As Empress, I'm more inspirational: Happy Valentine's Day in Siberia. (Chris Doyle) ====================================================================== WEEK 549, published March 14, 2004 Week 549: Show Us Your Best Quantities The acher: the amount of driveway shoveled before you realize you're not going to be able to move any of your limbs tomorrow. The milli-helen: the amount of beauty needed to launch one ship. The wynette: a measurement of willingness to "stand by your man" even when he shouldn't be stood anywhere. 10 wynettes = 1 hillary This week's contest was suggested by inveterate contest-suggester Russell Beland of Springfield: Come up with novel units of measure, and explain or quantify them. A preemptive note: Don't bother sending in screaming mini-screeds like "25 Hitlers = 1 My Boss." First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins Gotta Go!, a nuisance-shooing device that makes your phone click as if there were a call waiting for you on call-waiting. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, March 22. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 11. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phyllis Reinhard of East Fallowfield, Pa. Also: As The Empress browsed the archives last week during The Invitational's 11th-birthday festivities, she realized that a number of the parenthetical names that used to grace this column have disappeared in recent years. What's the matter, you grow up or something? We are under new management here, you know. If you haven't had ink in the past two years, but won at least a few bumper stickers before that, make a note of it on your entry in this week's contest. Best of these wins a fabulous talking and singing toy toilet donated by (zzzzz) Russell Beland of Springfield, with eyes that pop up out of the tank and make googly motions. (We mean the toilet has these; Russell's eyes stay in the tank where they belong.) Report from Week 545, in which we asked you to spell a word backward and redefine it, somehow relating the definition to the original word. As predicted, this contest drew thousands of entries, many of which canceled each other out: lots of eeknay and seeknay and notsob, aybud and noxin and Lotipac and notrubillah and innumerable others. You know that brilliant, perfect word you thought of? Three dozen other people sent that one, too. Sorreee. Fourth runner-up: Onisac: a dark, often smoke-filled chamber in which elderly homo sapiens deposit their nest eggs before dying.(Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) Third runner-up: Suoixon: A sickening attempt to give your baby a unique name; pronounced "Susan." (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Second runner-up: YMRA: A place where you can fight with the boys, you can have a meal ready to eat, you can do anything you're told. Just don't tell us you're gay. (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) First runner-up, the winner of the model of the human ear: Nword: Something that gets you in really deep trouble. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the Inker: Skrod: Fish that are always swimming upstream. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) A dictionary of Honorable Mentions: ATOYOT: A mysterious brand of car visible only from your rearview mirror. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.; Russell Beland) Citoruen: A car marketed to the overanxious. (Richard Grantham, Melbourne, Australia) Dopi: The dwarf who walked around with wires hanging out of his ears. (Lennie Magida, Potomac) DTs: Another unfortunate side effect of careless drinking. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) eFink: An online writer known for ad hominem attacks. (Michael Cisneros, Centreville) Elppin: A shy little creature that becomes visible only when cold. (Tom Witte) Evol: Evil cleverly disguised. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Frawd: Deception by a man who claims to be Prince Charming but turns out to be dumpy, sleazy and gropey. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Godpal: How your Yorkie sees you. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Imaim: A city that prides itself on its sense of danger and edginess. (Brendan Beary) Ippississim: Taking a leak in the river. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Knud: The sound of an NBA player's head hitting the backboard. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) K104: A radio station with half the power it had four years ago. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Low-a: President Bush's National Guard grade. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Mixam: A blended proverb, like "You can lead a gift horse to water, but you can't look him in the mouth." (Chris Doyle) Nagev: A desert where all animals can survive. (Tom Witte) Naive: Paying for what you can get for free from your tap. (Dawne Holz, Ashburn) Nari-qari: Political suicide resulting from an attempt to enact Mideast policy. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Notnow: Food you'll want maybe in an hour when you're hungry again. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Nug nuts: A doofus who sits on his own Taser. (Chris Doyle) Ottelits: The depressions made in carpet by high heels. (Richard Grantham) Palrub: Something to do in the sack with a friend. (Jane Auerbach) Partyboob: A flirtatious woman whose embrace carries hidden danger (e.g., the CEO's trophy wife). (Jeff Brechlin) Ragluv: A crude question a Cockney man asks a woman who disagrees with him. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Regoob: What your nose does after you pick it. (Steve Church, Charlottesville) Resol: Someone who pays a cobbler $10 to get new bottoms on a pair of flip-flops that sells for $5.99 at Wal-Mart. (Roy Ashley) Rev. o'BMOC: What happens to the campus playboy when middle age settles on him. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Rewolfyam: To take a second helping of sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving. (Tom Witte) Saib: A make of car that is pulled over frequently for no apparent reason. (Tom Witte) Sexrex: The Persian porno king. (Chris Doyle) Sillyrama: What the shoe box scene of tropical flora you made when you were 9 looks like to you when you're 10. (Nancy Israel, Bethesda) Sinnet: The Anna Kournikova Web ring. (Peter J. Konowicz, Valrico, Fla.) Sllop: Pundits' election predictions. (Michelle Bowen-Ziecheck, Chicago) Sniksder: A candy bar reintroduced every fall amid great fanfare about its new formulation, but which always leaves the same bad taste in your mouth. (Stephen Stockum, Washington) Spoort: A game in which politicians play with soldiers' lives to win elections. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Timov: The name of this year's world vodka-drinking champion. (Tom Witte) Top Lop: The notorious Cambodian beheader. (Chris Doyle) Trilf: A would-nymph. (Tom Witte) Yenom: The deadliest poison of all. (Tom Witte) Yessydo: The long, strange journey called marriage. (Tom Witte) Yssis: The ancient Egyptian god of interior design. (Tom Witte) ====================================================================== WEEK 550, published March 21, 2004 Week 550: Spring Cleaning A dress made of old AOL disks is perfect for an evening of Internet dating. Plastic milk jugs Those little rectangular bread bag closures Washington Post plastic delivery bags AOL sign-up CDs that come in the mail Coffee cans Packing peanuts Worn-out disposable razors If you're like Kevin Mellema of Falls Church (or, okay, like The Empress), you tend not to throw away something that you've already used, or will never use, if it hasn't disintegrated yet. Kevin suggests that you suggest creative uses for these items or other disposable household thingies, singly or in combination. For this he wins a big ball of twist ties from The Empress's kitchen drawer, plus some string with only a couple of little knots in it. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins an empty wine bottle that is covered in leather in the form of a duck, plus a shoe brush whose handle is a duck head. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, March 29. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. Report from Week 546, in which we asked you to combine two or more U.S. towns in a "joint venture". Yes, these are places named on actual maps, which, as you'll see, some people must have curled up with for eight days running. Third runner-up: The Rocky (Okla.)-Mountain (N.D.)-Oyster (Va.) Masquerade Ball (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Second runner-up: The Kissimmee (Fla.)-Ona (Ore.)-Butts (Mo.) Career Development Center (Jeff Nadler, New York) First runner-up, the winner of the Gotta Go fake call-waiting sound machine: The Watton-Hellam-Ida-Ware (Mich., Pa., Okla., Mass.) "Dress for Success" Seminar (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the winner of the Inker: The Pierce-Naples-Garner-Hurt-Lake-Kell-Venice-Yankton (Fla., Fla., N.C., Va., Miss., Ill., Calif., S.D.) Festival of Body Decoration (Dudley Thompson, Raleigh) Honorable Mentions: The Enid-Laredo-Yoder-Aldine (Okla., Tex., Wyo., Tex.) National Palindrome Competition (Chris Doyle) The Marietta (Ga.)-Liddell (N.C.)-Lamm (N.C.) Children's Library (Brendan Beary) The Mystic (Conn.)-Chickasaw (Ala.)-Helper (Utah) Magicians' Assistants' Conference(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Islip (N.Y.), Crane Neck (N.Y.) & Sioux City (Iowa) Personal Injury Associates (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) The Pray-Novice-Pilot-Cando-Landing (Mont., Tex., Va., N.D., N.J.) Air Phobia Support Group (Russell Beland, Springfield) The Minnehaha (Wash.)-Van (W.Va.) Clown Car Factory (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) The Tightwad-Bosses-Skidoo-Withee-Golden-Parachute (Mo., Va., Calif., Wash., Miss., Colo.) Commission on Executive Pay (Chris Doyle) The Hartselle (Ala.)-Gypsum (Colo.) Convention of Used-Car Salesmen (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Gurley-Callender-Onda-Wall (Neb., Calif., Ark., Tex.) Auto Shop (Brendan Beary) The Flippin (Ark.)-Boyd (Wis.) Retreat for Brooklyn's Road Ragers (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) The Keokuk (Iowa)-Chappaqua (N.Y.) Conference on Jazz Drumming Sounds (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) The Maxwell (Calif.)-Silver (Tex.)-Hammer (S.D.) Center for Pataphysical Science (Carole Lyons, Arlington) The Feather Falls (Calif.)-Rock Falls (Ill.) Galileo Museum (Jerome Alfred, Annandale) The Smart-Ware-Coats-Wilder-Dumfries (Va., Utah, N.C., Minn., Va.) School of Dressing for the Elements (Brendan Beary) The Boiling Springs-Hot Springs-Warm Springs-Cold Spring-Soso-Loving (S.C., Ark., Ga., N.Y., Miss., N.M.) Seminar on "Keeping the Spark in Your Marriage" (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) The Winters-Springs-Summers-Falls (Calif., Pa., Ark., W.Va.) Vivaldi Festival (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria; Erika Reinfeld, Somerville, Mass.) The Lay-Dees-Canby-All-Man (Colo., Ill., Calif., Mo., W.Va.) Gender Modification Center (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) The Bush (Ky.)-Florida (Mo.)-Bush (La.)-Florida (Ind.)-Bush (Miss.)-Florida (N.M.)-Bush (Ill.)-Florida (N.Y.) Committee to Reelect the President (Jan Smith, Columbia) The Kenosha (Wis.)-Limitar (N.M.)-Mechanic Falls (Maine) Center to Reduce Workplace Injuries (Brendan Beary) The Yoe (Pa.)-Adrian (Mo.) Fight Night (Jeffrey Scharf, Burke) The Rome-Orme-Orem-Omer (N.Y., Tenn., Utah, Mich.) Scrabble Championship (Chris Doyle) The Bland-Normal-Plainville-Blandford (Mo., Ill., Conn., Mass.) Super Duper Wacky Fun Festival (Seth Brown) The Accident-Talley-Box Elder-Leeman (Md., Ark., S.D., Wis.) Investigation Into Premature Burial (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The Nippenose (Pa.)-Jackson Hole (Wyo.) Alliance Against Excessive Rhinoplasty (Bob Dalton, Arlington) The Whypo (N.M.)-Nott (Ky.)-Rich (Ky.) Conference on Income Inequities (Elden Carnahan) The Quigley-Robbins-Tudor-Bat Cave (La., N.C., Calif., N.C.) Emergency Response Team (Dudley Thompson) The Martha-Stewart-Orange-Jump-Suit (Ky., Ind., N.J., Ohio, N.C.) Fashion Committee (J.F. Martin, Naples, Fla.) The Bird in Hand-Worth-Bush-Bush (Pa., W.Va., Ky., La.) Trading Post (Russell Beland) The Hurd (N.D.)-Trudy (Ga.)-Grapevine (Ky.) Center for Rumor Control (Brendan Beary) The Helena (Mont.)-Hand (S.C.)-Basket (Pa.) Institute for the Study of the Diminishing Quality of Life (Brendan Beary) The Topeka (Kan.)-Mendon (Ohio) Sock Darning Center (Russell Beland) The Eighty-Four (Pa.)-Fifty-Six (Ark.)-Ninety Six (S.C.) Center for Obesity Studies (Brendan Beary) The White City (Fla.)-Gunn City (Mo.) Republican Convention (Seth Brown) The Jerry (N.C.)-Springerville (Ariz.) Planned Community for Transgendered Crack Addicts Who Have Sex With Extraterrestrials (Brendan Beary) The Shorewood-Tell-Wausa-Mattapony (Wis., Tex., Neb., Mass.) Conference of Horse Whisperers (Carole Lyons) The Bingen (Wash.)- Puuiki (Hawaii) Anti-Bulimia Sisterhood (Bob Dalton) The French Lick (Ind.)-Axis (Ala.) Military Fantasy Camp (Steve Fahey, Kensington) The Paw Paw (Mich.)-Hazard (Ky.)-Blackfoot (Idaho) Barefoot Dog-Walkers Convention (Seth Brown) The Thor (Ind.)-Luther (Mich.) Hold Your Tongue Center for Anger Management and Speech Therapy (Chris Doyle) And Last: The Complete-Entry-Not-Worth-Effort (Miss., W.Va., Mo., Ga., Pa.) Something Something (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) And Really Last: The Athol (Mass.)-Folks (Ga.) Bugs Bunny Fan Club (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) ====================================================================== WEEK 551, published March 28, 2004 Week 551: Lost in Translation If you feed into the Google translator "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party," and click on "English to French," you get: Est maintenant l'heure pour tous les bons hommes de venir à l'aide de leur partie. And if you feed that into the translator and click on "French to English," you get: Is now the hour for all the good men to come using their part. This week's contest: Find us some comical translations-and-back using the Google translator (click on "Language Tools" on the Google.com home page). Feed some passage of English text into the tool -- 25 words max -- and ask it to translate it into one of the five languages offered; then copy the result back into the tool and ask it to translate that back to English. Warning: It's very important this week to come up with text that other contestants aren't likely to submit; if we get more than three identical entries of a passage, we won't use it. Obviously, you need the Internet for this contest. Those of you who don't have Internet access get the week off; you can pull out your abacuses and finish your taxes. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a "Today" show baseball cap hand-autographed by Katie Couric ("Good morning!" it says perkily). Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, April 5. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 25. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Josh Borken of Bloomington, Minn. This week's contest was suggested more or less by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 547, in which we asked for things that an existing brand name would be bad for. The Empress received 462 e-mails for this contest, many of which contained dozens of entries each, and almost all of which contained an entry suggesting that Microsoft would be a bad name for an erectile-dysfunction drug. Other entries too common to reward: Cheerios for a funeral home, Next Day Blinds for a laser eye surgery center, and Redskins for a football team. The category of laxatives really got you going, so to speak; the litany of bad names included Outback, Grey Poupon, Jiffy Lube, Chunky, Pump & Spray, Big Brownie Blast, Quicken and, but of course, IBM. Fourth runner-up: Rolling Rock is a good name for a beer but a bad name for an insurance company. (Jim Lyons, Arlington) Third runner-up: The Chrysler Building is a good name for a skyscraper but a bad name for an SUV. (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) Second runner-up: Antabuse is a good name for an alcoholism drug but a bad name for a magnifying glass. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) First runner-up, the winner of the cuddly stuffed Athlete's Foot and Ulcer toys: Wachovia is a good name for a bank but a bad name for a cemetery.(Michael Cisneros, Centreville) And the winner of the Inker: Virgin Airways is okay as a name for an airline but not for a cigarette. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: BP is a good name for a gas company but a bad name for a honey company. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Renuzit is a good name for a room deodorizer but a bad name for an acne treatment. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Nine Inch Nails is a good name for a rock group but a bad name for a proctology clinic. (J. F. Martin, Naples, Fla.) Hi-C is a good name for a fruit drink but a bad name for a tutoring service. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Open Pit is a good name for a barbecue sauce but a bad name for a toilet bowl cleaner. (Ann Martin, Annapolis) Wawa is a good name for a convenience store but a bad name for an antidepressant. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Iran is a good name for an Islamic republic but a bad name for an infantry platoon. (Ted Einstein, Silver Spring) Newman's Own is a good name for Paul Newman's brand of condiments, but it would not be a good name for his brand of condoms. (Russell Beland) IHOP is a good name for a pancake shop but a bad name for a prosthetics company. (Larry Blue, Potomac; Tom Matthews, Fairfax Station; Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Ashburn is a good name for a town but a bad name for hemorrhoid ointment. (Karen Tierney, Ashburn) 3-in-One is a good name for a household oil but a bad name for a religion. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Domino's is a good name for a pizza place but a bad name for a construction company. (Tiffany Getz, Manassas; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Nordic Track is a good name for exercise equipment but a bad name for an affirmative action program. (Larry Phillips, Falls Church; Russell Beland) Target is a good name for a retail store in America but a bad name for a retail store in Iraq. (Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg) Chick-fil-A is a good name for a fast-food outlet but not for O.J. Simpson's next business venture. (Tom Witte) The Tinder Box is a good name for a tobacco shop but a bad name for an apartment building. (Dean Evangelista, Silver Spring) Twinkies, HoHos and Ding Dongs are all good names for snack cakes, but not for WNBA teams. (Blythe Marshall, Annandale; Russell Beland) Taco Bell is a good name for a Mexican restaurant but a bad name for a Mexican phone company. (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.; Dudley Thompson, Raleigh, N.C.) Snickers is a good name for a candy bar but a bad name for a support group. (Briana Payne, Annapolis) First Impressions is a good name for a dating service but not a bungee jumping center. (Russell Beland) Ayds used to be a good name for a diet candy . . . (Paul Styrene, Olney) Kaboom is a good name for a stain remover but a bad name for a high-fiber cereal. (Kelly Wilson, Milwaukee) The Library of Congress is probably too subtle to be a good name for an adult bookstore. (Russell Beland) First Union is a good name for a bank but a bad name for a Boy Scout camp. (Michael Fribush, Burtonsville) Rent-A-Wreck is a good name for a used-car rental company but a bad name for an escort service. (Marleen May, Rockville) Boeing is a good name for an airplane company but not for a mattress company. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) The Foot Locker is a good name for a sports shoe store but a bad name for quick-drying cement. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Wanamaker is a good name for a department store but a bad name for a dating service. (Susan Thompson, Raleigh, N.C.) Excalibur is a good name for a security company but a bad name for a tampon. (Jeff Brechlin) Just Do It is a good slogan for Nike but a bad slogan for a suicide relief center. (Jeff Keenan, Severn) Miracle Whip is a good name for a salad dressing, a bad name for Mel Gibson to use for movie tie-in toy merchandising. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; Elden Carnahan) Ram Cargo Van is a good name for a vehicle but a bad name for a driving school. (Jeff Brechlin) The Swimsuit Issue might be a good name for a week of Sports Illustrated, but it probably won't work for Hustler. (Russell Beland) Air France is a good name for an airline but a bad name for a deodorant. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Sizzler is a good name for a steakhouse but a bad name for a rectal thermometer. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Stove Top Stuffing is a good name for stuffing that you cook on the stove, but not for a book on how to get the romance back in your marriage. (Russell Beland) Kleenex may be a good name for a tissue, but it's an excellent name for a divorce law firm. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) ====================================================================== WEEK 552, published April 4, 2004 Week 552: What Kind of Foal Am I? Breed ALPHA TO OMEGA with SHUFFLE PASS and name the foal DELTA BAD HAND BORIS JORDAN x MACH SPEED = AEROFLOT PHILANTHROPIST x RUSH INTO HEAVEN = PAY AS YOU GO It's Mate Madness time again, time for our annual Run for the Neuroses as we ask you to breed any two of the horses on a list of those qualifying for this year's Triple Crown races, and tell us a good name for their foal, as in the examples above. There's a difference this year, though: Instead of comprising all 400-plus early nominees, this list consists of a sensible 100 names: Most are taken from lists of experts' "top contenders"; some have been added by The Empress at her whim. This move, she hopes, will help preserve her sanity by limiting the possible combinations and permutations (and thereby the number of entries), and will also deter those maniacs who found the full list on the Web in February and have been thinking up names for weeks. Ironically, this year's list is more likely to include the eventual Kentucky Derby winner, since for the first time it includes all 15 late nominees, from whose ranks the winner often comes. (The list appears at the bottom of this page and on washingtonpost.com.) The actual genders of the horses don't matter. Maximum 18 characters, including spaces. Listen up: Even with this truncated list, this is still a relatively easy contest to come up with some answers for. But that doesn't mean you ought to send in all 423 combinations that pop into your sorry little head. Go ahead, send as many entries as you like, but if there's nothing brilliant and original at the top of the list, we're not likely to make it to the bottom. And if you don't double-space them, they may be hurled trashward. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a 1,000-piece Elvis jigsaw puzzle, as if you wouldn't have wasted enough time doing this contest. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, April 12. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 2 (the day after the Derby). No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phyllis Reinhard of East Fallowfield, Pa. This week's contest was suggested an eternity ago by railbird "Mikey the Tout" Hammer of Arlington. Report from Week 548, in which we asked you to tell us some hints that celebrities gave us as children about their destinies: Fourth runner-up: Georgie Santayana flunked history, and had to repeat it.(Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Third runner-up: Little Kreskin was amazing -- even as a young child he knew he'd grow up to be a charlatan. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second runner-up: Ralphie Nader put training wheels on his training wheels. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) First runner-up, the winner of the book "Wind Breaks: Coming to Terms With Flatulence": Baby Jessica Lynch had a normal birth, not an emergency Caesarean, and it took 2.5 hours, not 25 hours. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And the winner of the Inker: At the family's holiday gatherings, Frau Schwarzenegger kept little Arnold occupied by putting him in charge of the fruitcakes. (Walt Johnston, Woodstock, Md.) Honorable Mentions: Stevie King would wake up his parents at night to complain that there were no monsters under the bed. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Little Ollie Stone suspected that more than one of his classmates -- perhaps Mrs. Stone as well -- was breaking the lead on his pencils. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) "One day, Nicky, you're going to grow up and find that the world doesn't revolve around you," warned Mrs. Copernicus. (Brendan Beary) Little Jerry Seinfeld drove his parents nuts with all his questions: "Why do they call it doo? All it does is sit there. And what's the deal with those two dogs?" (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) Little Donnie Quixote decorated his room with Red Sox pennants. (Mike Genz, La Plata) Donny Trump didn't have an imaginary friend: He had an imaginary toady. (Chuck Smith) Billy Buckley defenestrated dihydrogen-monoxide-engorged spheroid bladders. (Milo Sauer) Like any child with a Christmas birthday, young Jesus always felt a bit shortchanged. (Russell Beland) That Davy Letterman always had 10 excuses for everything. (Sanford Horn, Alexandria) Al Sharpton's mommy told him the same lie that all parents tell their kids: "You can be anything you want someday -- even president of the United States! (Ken Advent, Parma, Ohio) To Al Einstein, it sure seemed that time moved slower when you were with your relatives. (Jeff Brechlin) No one dreamed that little Michigan would grow up to be a famous dancer -- of course, he didn't have any legs as a tadpole. (Russell Beland) After Buddy Selig's lucky ball was stolen on a class trip to the nation's capital, Buddy vowed he'd never bring a baseball to Washington again. (Walt Johnston) Handwriting was Jenny Lopez's best subject -- her S was prettier than anyone else's. (Frank and Cindy Curry, Kingwood, W.Va.) Mikey Powell demanded a quarter every time someone uttered his dad's obscene and indecent first name. (Rich Mehrenberg, Manassas) Georgie Orwell hated it when his older brother was left to watch him. (Brendan Beary; Jeff Brechlin) Little Anna Nicole Smith dated her kindergarten teacher. (Tom Witte; Marc Leibert, New York) Jayson's second-grade teacher was delighted with his book report on Kant's "Critique of Pure Reason." (Marc Leibert) Little Rodney Dangerfield played kick-the-can with the neighborhood boys. He was the can. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Little Davey Gest couldn't wait for his first beard. (Chris Doyle; Chuck Smith) Mrs. King warned Donnie not to put his fork near the electrical outlet . . . (Mark Young, Washington) Little Mickey Mantle was a fussy eater; at dinner he'd try to trade his liver for something to drink. (Russell Beland) Little Monica could never remember to put her clothes in the laundry. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Little Byron White liked to write his name in the snow. (Tom Witte) Jimmy Watson and Frankie Crick were always getting their Slinkys tangled up. (Mike Connaghan) Billy Spooner kept asking people to play Don the Tail on the Pinky. (Chris Doyle) Denny Kucinich liked to see if he could enter a room and no one would notice. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) "I'm telling you, Ted, if you keep making that awful face, it's going to freeze that way," warned Mrs. Williams. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Yet again, young Mohandas was sent to the principal's office for not fighting. (Elden Carnahan) When the boys wanted to play doctor, Pammy Anderson would say, "Okay, you be the plastic surgeons." (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) And Last: The parents of the Style Invitational Czar had an unusual potty-training method: "Poop! We want more poop! Show us the poop!" (Jessica Lynne Mathews, Arlington) The Style Invitational: The Horses Action This Day Alpha to Omega Ascertain Ashado Birdstone Blushing Indian Boomzeboom Borrego Bride's Best Boy Call Me Shane Capac Capitano Coded Warning Cuvee Decibel Eddington End of an Era Eurosilver Farnum Alley Fire Slam Forty Five Friends Lake Frisky Spider Gamblin Go Now Gran Prospect Grand Score Greek Sun Halfbridled Hippocrates Humorously Immense Imperialism Jose Kaufy Mate Keeping Quiet Kilgowan Last Frontier Limehouse Lion Heart Little Matth Man Lucky Pulpit Mach Speed Madcap Escapade Malin Master David Minister Eric Mr. Jester Mr. Mabee Mr. Trieste Monocular Mustanfar New Science Our Emm Paddington Perfect Moon Philanthropist Polish Rifle Pomeroy Preachinatthebar Proper Prado Pure American Purge Pvt. Lynch Quiet Hero Quintons Gold Rush Read the Foot Relaxed Gesture Rock Hard Ten Rush Into Heaven Saint Afleet Send It In Shadowland Shaniko Shiloh Bound Shuffle Pass Silver Minister Sinister G Sir Oscar Skipaslew Smarty Jones Smoocher Song of the Sword St Averil Stolen Time Strong Cat Sunday Times Tapit Terrifika The Cliff's Edge Tiger Heart Tiger Hunt Tricky Taboo Trieste's Honor Under Caution Undisclosed Value Plus Victory Light Willy o' the Valley Wimbledon ====================================================================== WEEK 553, published April 11, 2004 Week 553: Picture This This week's contest: Tell us what's going on in one or more of these cartoons. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a lovingly used copy -- donated by John O'Byrne of Dublin -- of "Ben Wicks' Book of Losers," a Canadian collection of amusingly unfortunate events, like the one in which a man standing frozen in his role as a live mannequin was stabbed in the back by some guy trying to prove to his wife that he was real. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, April 19. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 9. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 549, in which we asked for novel units of measure: Fourth runner-up: The pico-deliter: A measure of sibling rivalry.(Dudley Thompson, Raleigh, N.C.) Third runner-up: The serling-rod: The distance between light and shadow, between science and superstition, between a man's fears and his knowledge -- which turns out to be 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Second runner-up: The slug: A measure of the disgustingness of something stepped on in bare feet. 4 slugs = 1 used Trojan. (Russell Beland, Springfield) First runner-up, the winner of the Fruit Flavored Beef Jerky from San Francisco's Chinatown: The dubyabushel: The amount of fertilizer needed to manufacture one weapon of mass destruction. (Judy and Donna Sherman, Burtonsville) And the winner of The Inker: The godiva: Just a hair over nothing. (Joseph Anthony, Winnipeg, Manitoba) Honorable Mentions: The overpeso: The excess amount you spend on vacation purchases because you don't understand the currency. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Knot-furlong:The amount of time Gary Hart's candidacy lasted after that trip to Bimini on the Monkey Business. (Chris Doyle) The armstrong: One small step. (Martin Christopher, Springside, Saskatchewan) The holy mole: 1. The number of angels that can fit on the head of a pin. 2. The weight of an object created by God that even He cannot lift. (Chris Doyle) The kant-fathom: A philosophical depth just over one's head. (Dudley Thompson) The doh: A measure of the career-endingness of an action, such as sticking a doughnut into a nuclear reactor. 1 kilodoh = 1 stewart. (Niels Hoven, Berkeley, Calif.) [After a two-year absence following 64 printed entries, Niels wins the talking toilet for showing his pixels again.] The millow: Standard hotel bedding unit, equal to one-thousandth of an actual pillow. Motel 6 = 10 millows; the Four Seasons = 2,400 millows. (Brendan Beary) Flemming: The amount your nose runs while skating. "Ooh, Mom, Daddy did a 50-flemming right after he put his mittens on!" (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Sheer-to-Waste: The ratio of clean, unsnagged pantyhose in your drawer to those that are basically unsalvageable but you put them back anyway. (Michelle Bowen-Ziecheck, Chicago) The deci-gore: The 1-to-10 scale of Democratic electability. 10.0001 DGs are needed to win an election. (Russell Beland) The googleplex: A measure of narcissism, calculated by the number of Internet searches on your own name. (Chris Doyle) The connery: A measure of suave, irresistible masculinity. 1 connery = 10 moores, 20 brosnans, 100 daltons, 1,000 lazenbys and 1 million romms. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The dynapere: A measure of failure in stand-up comedy. (Dudley Thompson) Mass-destruction: The amount of weaponry needed to kill one camel. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) The hemi-holmes: The average guy. (Gordon Labow, Glenelg) The ohman: The amount of resistance a husband produces when asked to do just one more little thing. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) The pia: A measure of unwarranted fame: 1 pia = 3.5 charos = 9.2 torii. (Russell Beland) The nanasecond: The amount of time it takes to scan and mark 15 bingo cards. (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) The chas'm: The amount of time Prince Charles will have to wait to ascend the throne. (Brendan O'Byrne, Regina, Saskatchewan) The pushel: The amount of zucchini your neighbors try to give you after they planted 14 hills. (Jon Reiser) The teradactyl: A REALLY long line of poetry, with 10{+1}{+2} accented beats. (Dean Alterman, Portland, Ore.) The nasa: The amount of metal that can be thrown up into space at one time; not to be confused with the wasa, the amount of metal that can be thrown up into a sink at one time. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The family joule: The minimum sperm energy needed to produce a child. (Chris Doyle; Dudley Thompson) The beltsize: A measure of time spent at an all-you-can-eat buffet. 2 hours = 1 beltsize. (Dan Mannion, Manassas) The Metrek: Measure of a nerdy passion for something. Wearing Spock ears around the house = 100 metreks. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The Style Week (SW): The unit of time around which all life is organized, equal to approximately 9.7 days. Each SW begins on a Saturday morning (when early editions of the Sunday paper become available), continues through the entire next week and ends at midnight on the following Monday. Four SWs form a Revised Style Cycle (RSC), which is divided into five phases: Think, Send, Pray, Read, Pout. (The Ultimate Metrek, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 554, published April 18, 2004 Week 554: Love the Tiny Tail Stain! Former President Saddam Hussein al-Tikriti: Strike finds sad, immature rat in spider hole. -- Richard Grantham Britney Spears weds childhood friend in Vegas: Wavering, she did play his bride for ten seconds . . . -- Meyran Kraus As we promised back in Week 547, we've finally gotten around to paying tribute to (i.e., ripping off) a truly amazing online contest, brought to our attention by Rick "Conan the Librarian" Spencer of Severn. The Anagrammy Awards, at www.anagrammy.com, are a set of monthly competitions for anagrams of various topics and lengths. Richard Grantham of Melbourne, Australia, the site's archivist, invites all Losers to check out the site and enter the contest, even with material from this one. (We, on the other hand, are snootier and won't accept anagrams that have been published elsewhere.) This week's contest: Write an anagram based on a name or event that's been in the news recently, as in the examples above, which The Empress just up and stole from this Web site. The anagrams may be anywhere up to 100 letters long. What?? How on Earth can you keep that many letters straight? Well, just go over to this site and download the incredibly nifty free program called Anagram Artist, created by Mike Keith of Virginia. Otherwise, just pull out some Scrabble tiles and move them around. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins "In Other Words: A Book of Irish and American Anagrams" (e.g., "The Picture of Dorian Gray": "I Favor Gay Reproduction") by longtime Loser John O'Byrne, Dublin, and Jerry Ring, donated by Brendan Byrne of Regina, Saskatchewan. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, April 26. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 16. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 550, in which we asked for creative uses for objects that tend to accumulate around the house: Wow, thank you, guys, for letting us know that Washington Post delivery bags could be used to pick up . . . dog poop! Yes, yes, a number of you also wanted us to know that this would be an improvement over the original contents harharhar. Other common suggestions were that old AOL sign-up disks would make cool house shingles, coffee cans could hold AOL disks, Post delivery bags could hold coffee cans and packing peanuts, etc. Third runner-up: Washington Post delivery bag: A great stocking mask for the bank robber who longs to win a Darwin Award. (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.) Second runner-up: Loser Scott Campisi, clearly with way too much time on his hands in Wake Village, Tex., sent in this photo of a little car he fashioned from a milk jug and a few other things, which he sent scooting across the room by stomping on inflated Texarkana Gazette delivery bags, as his sweat socks demonstrate: First runner-up, the winner of the duck-motif wine bottle and shoe brush: Old AOL sign-up disks that come in the mail: If your pet snake just got fixed and you want to make sure the area will heal properly, feed his head through the middle of the CD. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the winner of the Inker: Stand an empty coffee can on the ground. Prop two chopsticks against the can and a third one across the mouth. Glue a CD covered with duck sauce to the top chopstick. The mouse crawls up a chopstick and onto the CD for the duck sauce. The CD flips over, sending the mouse into the can, trapped by the CD on top. The world beats a path to your door. (Bird Waring, New York) Honorable Mentions: Coffee cans: They make great hair for a Princess Leia robot. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) They're ideal storage containers for your 100 percent Colombian. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Old AOL Disks You Get in the Mail: They're great for tiling the floor of a chat room. (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria) It makes a good Frisbee for the electronic dog you got back in 1999, when it seemed so cutting-edge. (Michelle Bowen-Ziecheck, Chicago) Grind them up and use as dot-compost. (Jack Cooper, Cheltenham) Put a bunch of them together and voila! -- your pet fly has its own mirror. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) Scrawling messages on them and using them as Frisbees serves as an equally effective communication device. (Bob Dalton) Milk Jugs: Cut in half. Use the lower halves as brassiere cups for community theater productions of "Das Rheingold." Use the upper halves as helmets. (Thad Humphries, Warrenton) Tie a few of them onto your kid with a rope, and go back to sleep on the beach.(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Place them, unwashed, in your hamper to hide that dirty-clothes odor. (Robin D. Grove, Chevy Chase) Packing Peanuts: Snack on them while watching a game of Wiffle ball. (Steve Shapiro, Arlington) Make them into a wind chime as a gift for Marlee Matlin. (Bob Dalton) Washington Post Delivery Bags: To protect my check from possible water damage, I always wrap my Post subscription payment several times in a delivery bag. They really appreciate that at the paper. (Russell Beland, Springfield) They're wonderful for storing and freezing all kinds of meats -- just the right size for legs, necks, liver and forearms. (H. Lecter, Rio de Janeiro) (Dave Vierling, Silver Spring) To send The Post back in if it was delivered by mistake. (R. J. Sturgeon, Kensington) Perfect for wrapping bleeding hearts during organ transplants. (Mary Lou French, Lorton) Fill with water, drop in a betta and tack it up on your bulletin board: instant fishbowl and, more important, instant friend. (Jean Sorensen) Post bags make great condoms. A little snug, but that's okay. (Russell Beland) The bag from the Sunday Post, when placed over a Loser's head for the appropriate interval, produces the ideal cognitive level for creating Style Invitational entries. I've had one on for six minutes now and just rea . . . (Cecil J. Clark Jr., Arlington) Other stuff: Plastic grocery bags make great frog parachutes. (Jeff Brechlin) Used fabric softener sheets still smell great after coming out of the dryer, so put them in your garbage can, where they will make your trash smell great, too! (Vincent Buquicchio, Arlington) Stickers from bananas are a great way to decorate an unused passport. Note: Do not reveal the source of this information. (Nick Sibilla, Reston) Fill old Diet Coke cans with concrete, and build a colorful retaining wall that flanks your obnoxious neighbor's property. (Jeff Brechlin) Combinations: Ballpoint pens that have ink but won't write, bent paper clips and a matchbook make a dandy home tattooing kit. (Russell Beland) And Last: "The Empress as I Imagine Her," mixed media, 2004 (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) ====================================================================== WEEK 555, published April 25, 2004 Week 555: A Tsk, A Task "A grey mare trots up to the stream and drinks. Caballero pricks up his ears and looks at her, but she doesn't notice him . . ." ERROR: Do not post content containing profanity, sexual terms, or other inappropriate content (including religion, politics, cheats, hacks, and password scams) on Neopets! The Empress's own Little Princess had submitted the above contribution, verbatim, to her favorite Web site, in a sort of group-story-writing activity, when she was mystified to be both rejected and yelled at -- and for what, she couldn't imagine. Of course, you can. This week's contest: Come up with a super-wholesome passage of 25 words or fewer that would likely be banned by the admirable, ever-vigilant Neopets.com site. You don't actually have to send it to Neopets. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a Feb. 25, 1972, copy of Life magazine, featuring "Liz Taylor Is 40" on the cover; at the time, she was married to Richard Burton, who is quoted giving his wife's weight at "around 128." Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted- after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, May 3. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 551, in which we asked you to feed some English text into the Google translating tool, have it translate it into any of its five foreign languages, then feed the result back in and translate it into English. Our conclusion: Linguists, you won't soon be replaced by a machine. Fourth runner-up: The Mamas and the Papas(From Portuguese) The Breasts and the Popes (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Third runner-up: I never yet met a man that I didn't like. (From Spanish) I never satisfied a man yet with which I did not have pleasure. (Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg) Second runner-up: The U.S. government is composed of three branches: the executive, the legislative and the judicial. (From French) The government of the United States is composed of three branches: the director, the legislature and the legal one. (Shawn Freeman, Vestavia Hills, Ala.) First runner-up, the winner of a "Today Show" baseball cap autographed by Katie Couric: Google translates text with no errors. (From Portuguese) Google translates the text with nenhuns errors. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) And the winner of the Inker: I am the worst president elected ever. (From French) I am the worst president never elected. (Kevin N. Mettinger, Warrenton) Honorable Mentions: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? (French) Do you swear not to say the truth, all the truth and anything but the truth? (Ron Prishivalko, Reston) Don't mess with Texas. (Spanish) It does not soil with Roofing tiles. (Rose Abril, Reston) Some men are born great. (Portuguese) Some men are great loaded. (Diane Tomasky, Frederick; Jeff Martin) Monica was a woman of loose morals. (Portuguese) Monica was a flabby moral woman. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid. (German) You are fat and powerful forces come to your aid. (Beverly L. Mangold, Rockville) I did not have sexual relations with that woman. (Spanish) It did not have sexual relations with that woman. (Ben Llewellyn, Rockville; Vincent Danton, Bowie; Shawn Freeman) I'll be working my way back to you, babe, with a burning love inside. (Portuguese) I will be working my back part to it in the way, dribble, with a burning hot love for inside. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it . . . (Spanish) In his I castrate of Passover, with all the steering wheels on him . . . (Larry Carnahan, Arlington) (German) The milk chocolate melts in your opening, not in your hands. (Beth Ciha, Silver Spring) At Ford, quality is Job One. (German) At Fords quality is job of one. (Andrew Dutton, Egg Harbor Township, N.J.) The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible. (Spanish) The true mystery of the world is the visible one, not the hair net. (Michelle Bowen-Ziecheck, Chicago) A good man is hard to find. (German) A good man is to be found hard. (Jeremy Eble, Silver Spring) Herbert wanted to leave bachelorhood with a bang by throwing a stag party. (French) Herbert wanted to leave the celibacy with a blow by throwing part of male. (Marjorie Bunday, Washington) We will never surrender the fight! (French) We will never return the combat! (Jonathan Obee, Washington) Hey, Jude, don't make it bad. (German) Hey, do not form Jew, it bad. (Jeff Martin) After an hour of exercise, you will feel stronger. (French) After one hour of exercise, you will smell yourselves more extremely. (Pat Lark, Arlington) Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him. (German) Alas, bad Yorick, I could do him. (Jim Pearson, Alexandria) Picking out the man's outfit is woman's job. (French) The selection of the equipment of the man is the work of a woman. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) (From Portuguese) You deserve a rupture today. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.; Allen Breon, Rockville; Chris Doyle) The well-coached Washington politician showered pork gravy on his constituents. (French) The politician well-given of the particular lessons of Washington poured sauce with the juice of pig on his components. (Milo Sauer) I keep my food fresh with preservatives. (French) I preserve my fresh food with condoms. (Rebecca Shoaf, Minneapolis) If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve. (French) If named, I did not run. So elected, I will not be useful. (John Junker, Manassas; Chris Doyle) Batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, swing! (French) Smooth paste, smooth paste, smooth paste, smooth paste, smooth paste, smooth paste, oscillation! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Bitch set me up. (Portuguese) The dog adjusted to me above. (Allen Breon, Clarksville; Julius Sanks, Ashburn) Does a computer know how to tell a poop joke? (German) Can a computer explain one poopwitz? (Brendan Beary) I miss the Czar. (French) I am bored of the Czar. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) ====================================================================== WEEK 556, published May 2, 2004 Week 556: So Zoo Us Warthog x rhino = whino, an animal you don't want to mess with at the watering hole Bat x lynx = blynx, a creature with erratic eyesight Cheetah x leopard = cheepard, a cat that travels in packs of 12 This week's contest is based on a clever list of fancifully combined dog breeds that's been bounding all over the Internet, unfortunately without attribution: e.g., Pekingese x Lhasa Apso = Pekaso, a dog with both eyes on the left side of its head. You get to combine any two kinds of animals, give its name and describe it. As with a number of recent contests, this is an easy one to do, which means that to get ink, it no doubt will have to have a very funny, original, creative name and description. Better than the critters above. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins the appropriately zoological Oh Deer! Super Dooper Reindeer Pooper, a little plastic dispenser containing brown jelly beans. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, May 10. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 30. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 552, our annual contest asking you to name the offspring of any two of the horses on a list of Triple Crown nominees. This year the Empress decided to pare the list to 100 instead of running all 400-plus possibilities, and she still ended up with far too many clever entries to print here. (The list grew to 101 after some alert Losers pointed out that we'd printed "Read the Foot" for a horse actually named Read the Footnotes. The error was fixed on the Web site, and we allowed entries for both names.) One thing that proved true again was that, clever as the individual entries are, there's something gained when they're presented as variations on a theme -- half brothers, if you will -- as in the sets at the bottom of the page. Fifth runner-up: Imperialism x Coded Warning = imPERIaLism(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Fourth runner-up: Gran Prospect x Jose = Comin' Up Ferrer (Tom and Lisa Codella, Ashburn) Third runner-up: Action This Day x Grand Score = Orgy and Bess (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Second runner-up: Halfbridled x Imperialism = Broken Reigns (Mary Curran, Hagerstown) First runner-up, the winner of the 1,000-piece Elvis jigsaw puzzle: Sinister G x Perfect Moon = Left Behind (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) And the winner of the Inker: Rock Hard Ten x Read the Footnotes = {+1}Centimeters (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Honorable Mentions: Birdstone x Greek Sun = Chickarus (Meg Sullivan) Blushing Indian x Sinister G = Geronimolester (Ed "Smitty" Smith, Bladensburg) Blushing Indian x Monocular = Siouxclops (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Boomzeboom x End of an ERA = Steroid Homers (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.; Russell Beland, Springfield) Friends Lake x Shiloh Bound = Damp Yankees (Meg Sullivan) Frisky Spider x Fire Slam = Charlotte's Webber (Harold Mantle, Gaithersburg) Gamblin x Mach Speed = Rushin Roulette (Chris Doyle) Gran Prospect x Go Now = Bran Prospect (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Greek Sun x Perfect Moon = George Michael (E.J. Lloyd, Milford, Del.) Hippocrates x Undisclosed = Doctor Who (Ron Bottomly, Columbia) Hippocrates x Smoocher = Oath of Orifice (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Immense x Smarty Jones = Immensa (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Imperialism x Value Plus = Uncle Sam's Club (Aili Contini-Morava, Somerville, Mass.) Imperialism x Rock Hard Ten = Manifest Density (Russell Beland) Kaufy Mate x Go Now = Instant Kaufy (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Keeping Quiet x Decibel = Shhboom (Judith Cottrill, New York) Lion Heart x Undisclosed = What's My Lion (Paul Styrene, Olney) Little Matth Man x Grand Score = Matth 800 Vurble 0 (Mike Hammer) Little Matth Man x Song of the Sword = Stephen Hacking (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) Lucky Pulpit x Grand Score = Holier Than a Thou (Allan B. Moore, Washington) Monocular x Tricky Taboo = One Eyed Jacko (Greg McGrew, Leesburg) New Science x Strong Cat = Double Felix (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Our Emm x Gamblin = Ante Emm (Tom Witte) Perfect Moon x Shiloh Bound = Thong of the South (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) Perfect Moon x Alpha to Omega = End to End (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) Philanthropist x Rush Into Heaven = Dead Giveaway (Mary Baltz Curran, Hagerstown; Mike Hammer) Philanthropist x Tapit = Armand Hammerer (Russell Beland) Philanthropist x Relaxed Gesture = Yawn D Rockefeller (Chris Doyle) Polish Rifle x Coded Warning = H*ld Th*s nd (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Polish Rifle x Send It In = It IS In (Eryk Nice, Ithaca, N.Y.) Read the Foot x Smoocher = Hoof and Mouth (Jean Tatalias, Vienna) Read the Footnotes x Gamblin = I Bid (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) Read the Footnotes x Alpha to Omega = Polar Op Cits (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Rock Hard Ten x Humorously = Funnybone (Ron Bottomly) Rock Hard Ten x Relaxed Gesture = Viagra Falls (Dave Abraham, Radford, Va.) Skipaslew x Sinister G = Killer Gilligan (Linda Thompson, Lanham) Smoocher x Kaufy Mate = Kiss and Make Cup (Mike Hammer) Smoocher x Perfect Moon = Sycophant (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Tricky Taboo x Keeping Quiet = Bound and Gagged (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Tricky Taboo x New Science = Nonotechnology (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) Under Caution x Sunday Times = Yellow Journalism (Jon Reiser) Undisclosed x Mr. Mabee = Hidden a Gender (Chris Doyle) Undisclosed x Keeping Quiet = (John Barkmeyer, Silver Spring) Value Plus x Smoocher = Good Buy Kiss (Dan Flynn, Germantown) Shane, Shane, Shane Call Me Shane x Bride's Best Boy = Alan Lad (Ron Bottomly) x Little Matth Man = Alan'll Add (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) x Immense = Strapping Ladd (Jeffrey Scharf, Burke) x Perfect Moon = Cheeky Ladd (Judith Cottrill) x Coded Warning = Laddmonition (Tom Witte) x Kilgowan = Alan Plaid (Harold Mantle) x Bride's Best Boy = Ladd's Lad (Joseph Romm, Washington) x Go Now = Shane, Leave, Shane (Russell Beland) The Purge Parade Purge x Hippocrates = First Doo, No Harm (Chris Doyle) x Alpha to Omega = LambdaTheSlaughter (Brendan Beary) x Decibel = Puke It Sound (Russell Beland) x Gamblin = Royal Flush (Laura Peterson, Washington) x Preachinatthebar = Holy Crap (Ellen Godfrey, Kensington; Paul Kocak) x Blushing Indian = TP (Steven D. Price, New York; Paul Kocak) x Blushing Indian = Sitting Bulemia (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.; Tom Witte) x Pvt. Lynch = Lower GI Series (Chris Doyle) ====================================================================== WEEK 557, published May 9, 2004 Week 557: Oh, for Namesakes! The difference between Prince and Prince Charles is the former figured out pretty fast that his life is mostly just symbolic. The difference between Jessica Simpson and Bart Simpson is that Bart is less cartoonish and artificial. The difference between Hank Aaron and Aaron Spelling is that when Hank made an error, he didn't name it Tori. This week's contest was suggested by inveterate Loser Russell Beland of Springfield (my, doesn't "Russell" look nice as a middle name there): Take two people, real or fictional, who share some element of their names and explain the difference between them, as in the examples above. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a pair of genuine gold-sequined and tasseled pasties, complete with a bottle of liquid latex to stick them on with. The Empress found them in a Washington Post wastebasket; the back of the package advertises something called "Showgirls: A Titilating [sic] Experience." Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, May 17. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Roy Ashley of Washington. Report from Week 553, in which we asked you what was going on in these pictures. Lots of repetition, but a good dose of variety, too. Clever but submitted too often: The boy in Cartoon B whistles while he woks; the lady in Cartoon F is on the horns of a dilemma, or taking a mustache ride at the county fair. And, of course, lots of Home Proctology Kits for Cartoon A. Third runner-up: Cartoon D: Paramecium Fats lines up a tough combination shot.(Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.; Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Second runner-up: Cartoon A: Ross Ruiz was caught red-handed cheating in the International Dowsing Championship, ironically losing his No. 1 ranking. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Steve Fahey, Kensington) First runner-up, the winner of "Ben Wicks' Book of Losers": Cartoon F: An aging Bette Midler performs an interpretive dance to "The Wings Beneath My Wind." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the Inker: Cartoon A: As Karen held up a hand in protest, Barney confronted her with the fact that she had taken this Atkins thing too far. (Allan B. Moore, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A When his caddie suggested this 4-iron, Tiger Woods realized he had hired the wrong guy. (Chuck Smith) Rehearsing for the Whittier High School Christmas pageant, shepherd Dick Nixon complains that his staff is not a crook. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Gomer Pyle's distant cousin Hermann always had to stand in the back row at the Nuremberg Rallies. (Laura Shumar, Lafayette, Ind.) Even before he bonked his nose, Buddy Hackett knew his audition for Mel Gibson was a long shot. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) Cartoon B Little Romano tests his prototype Macaroni Grill. (Michael Fransella, Arlington) I understand the Invitational's need for a token minority character, but did he have to be preparing food while whistling Dixie? (Niels Hoven, Berkeley, Calif.) Alvin learns the fine art of snake charring. (Ry Schwark, West Linn, Ore.) Even when he was a kid, there was always something suspicious about some of the tails Jayson cooked up. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Cartoon C Jupiter's Earth Probe discovered only trace elements of sulfur in the Blue Planet's atmosphere, not enough to sustain life. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) This is a visual depiction of Googling a description of a Mars rover from English into Estonian, then back to English. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Cartoon D It's the little deuce poop. (Frank and Cindy Curry, Kingwood, W.Va.) Never drive a 5-speed slug just after they've salted the roads. (Art Grinath) Even at the Inn at Little Washington, $5 for a single herb-encrusted cicada nymph appetizer seemed a bit excessive. (Robin Grove, Chevy Chase) First Runner-Up wins a hairy slug with a billiard ball attached to it via toothpick, donated by Steven Dudzik of Olney. (Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Bethesda) Cartoon E The bloodmobile has gotten a little aggressive on collections. (Art Grinath) Soylent Blue turns out to be people, too. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) "What's all this fuss about reducing faucet fuel emissions?" wonders Emily Litella. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) As we've long suspected, Russell Beland does his best work in the can. (Milo Sauer; Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Cartoon F Landing on her feet after her departure from the National Zoo, Lucy Spelman takes a job with Sea World. (Jeffrey Scharf, Burke) The "braces for impact" you hear so much about. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) The Strayer College basketball coach didn't think she'd actually win the NCAA Tournament, but she jumped for joy just to be in the bracket. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Years after she's lost her perky good looks, Penelope Pitstop is furious that Snidely Whiplash's mustache doesn't have a touch of gray. (Jim Reed, Wales, Wis.) [upside down] One of those games at the penny arcade: the calipers are about to grab a prize. (Carolyn Bassing, Takoma Park) Margaret was furious when she found out that it was all a fluke. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) The federal marshal assigned to Justice Scalia performs the flamenco on a reporter's notebook. (Chris Doyle) ====================================================================== WEEK 558, published May 16, 2004 Week 558: Set Us Right What is the difference between JFK (1960) and JFK (2004)? John F. Kennedy had no problem with charisma, and a bad spine. John F. Kerry has a bad problem with charisma, and no spine. Over the years, The Invitational has been accused of awarding prizes (such as they are) to political humor that tends to veer maybe a wee bit to the left. So, to compensate for any perceived liberal bias, The Empress decided this week to print only right-leaning anagrams in the results below. Nah, not really; that would have been wrong. In fact, it would have been impossible -- because there weren't any right-leaning ones to choose from: The spectrum of the political anagrams submitted ranged from Gentle Tweaking of the Administration to Raving Leftist Screed. This week's contest, suggested by Mark Cackler of Falls Church: See if you can give us some Fair and Balance -- send us conservative-leaning humor in any of the following genres:(1) Knock-knock jokes; (2) limericks; (3) "how can you tell" riddles; (4) "what's the difference" riddles; (5) four-line rhyming poems. Jokes about Bill Clinton's sex life do not qualify; they transcend ideological barriers. And needless to say, joke plagiarists will be abused and humiliated. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins an autographed copy of "The Hype About Hydrogen" by Joseph Romm, a longtime Loser who donated his new book as a prize in a desperate attempt to see it mentioned in The Washington Post. (Joe is perhaps more famous for having also donated as a prize, in 1995, his underpants.) Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Monday, May 24. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Scott Campisi of Wake Village, Tex. Report from Week 554, in which we asked you to create an anagram for any text about a person or event recently in the news. Many (but not all) of the winning entrants used the suggested Anagram Artist software -- as did many of the losing entrants. As we found out right away, that program will count letters for you, and even suggest words, but it's still really hard to write a good anagram on it. Once again, the people at www.anagrammy.com invite you to enter your Invitational entry -- winning or not (and other anagrams) -- in their monthly contest. And you even get to vote for the winners. Third runner-up: From: Ads for men are trying to sell Viagra, Levitra, Cialis. Anagrammed to: I find vitals are larger, also staying more vertical. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Second runner-up: Paris Hilton = Hi! (Loins part.) (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) First runner-up, the winner of John O'Byrne's book "In Other Words: A Book of Irish and American Anagrams": Bob Dylan, age sixty-two, appears in a Victoria's Secret commercial, singing while Adriana Lima slinks around in her undies. = Ridiculous ad attacks women, i.e., insists sex appeal is a rich, incoherent old man and a servile bra-baring girl. Oy, I'm yawning. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the winner of the Inker: I, George Walker Bush, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States and will, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States. = We, Karl Rove and G.W. Bush, do solemnly swear that we'll faithfully disinfect this here tainted office of President and, to the best of our ability, update the effete Constitution to help us to get elected next time. Yes, sir. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Honorable Mentions: Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and his deputy, Paul Wolfowitz = Oddly, they puff weed. More puffs. "So, let's nail Switzerland and Ecuador!" (Chris Doyle) Soon-to-be-former president George Walker Bush = Master of errors & pure gobbledegook in the news (Richard Grantham, North Melbourne, Australia) The United States Department of Homeland Security = Taut, tense men fondled my chest at the airport. I sued. (Chris Doyle) The Donald's hair = He's hid an old rat. (Chris Doyle) Should the Iraq war be continued? = Hear a blended chorus: "Quit it now!" (Larry Brash, The Junction, Australia) The singer Clay Aiken of "American Idol" = "Fact: I like girls. I do!! Can anyone hear me?" (Meyran Kraus, Rehovot, Israel) Islamic extremist Moussaoui learns to fly. = CIA to Rummy: "Listen, relax! Most U.S. oil is safe." (Chris Doyle) The American Association of Retired Persons = Fact: I am seniors, diapers, coronaries, no teeth. (Chris Doyle) Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton's . . . = . . . another actor for oil energy interests. (Toby Gottfried, Santa Ana, Calif.) The Cherry Blossom Festival and Parade = Do a frosty schlep amid vernal trees? Bah! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Richard Clarke: "The CIA, FBI, NSA, DoD, and I failed you." = Dick Cheney: "Torrid liar! A fib! CANADA failed us. D'oh!" (Chris Doyle) Earth Day: April twenty-second. = Hardy planet? We CAN destroy it! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Wardrobe malfunction = Alarm crowd, but no fine. (Alison Kamat, Reston) One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. = Or one Bible nation, riddled with injustice for all uninvited gays? (Chris Doyle) Louvre: Famed Mona Lisa painting is deteriorating. = Item: Sad evaporating smile infuriating Leonardo. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) In Baltimore, the Orioles team kicked off their new season; their Opening Day pitcher was Sidney Ponson. = With beefy ace pitcher, inane errors and weak hitting, I see no trips to Disneyland soon, folks. Oh me, I mope. (Brendan Beary) Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" = See the mobs, lashings! (I notch profits.) (Chris Doyle) Mrs. Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry = Zany heiress misfit marries me, Senator. Take her! I err! I err! (Chris Doyle) Michael "Mikey" Jackson shouldn't dangle babies out of any windows. = "I did unduly fling own babe." Loathsomeness, thy name is Wacko Jacko. (Scott Slaughter, Mount Airy) Jaetagut leindagut, D. Bravman, Potomac, Scribbles a lyric With lexical styles. Double-dactylical Anagrammatical Poetry's vexing With just Scrabble tiles. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) See lots of CD reviews in Sunday Source, the New Section M of The Washington Post, featuring Carolyn Hax's advice column. = O, what aura of conceit, of smugness! Target conflicted sex-starved ninnies who unconsciously move lips when they read. (Brendan Beary) Style Invitational Loser: = I soil vilely 'n' eat rat snot. (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) ====================================================================== WEEK 559, published May 23, 2004 Week 559: Your Slogan Here On a septic tank truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. This week's contest was conveniently lifted by Dave Ferry of Purvis, Miss., from an uncredited Internet list that's been around forever and includes the examples above: Come up with a clever slogan or sign for a business. It can be generic like these, or it can be for a specific company. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a tie clip featuring an actual dead minnow encased in plexiglass. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Tuesday, June 1. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 20. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Extra Added Bonus Contest: The Oldest Joke in the Book John Lescault of Silver Spring (followed by others) called The Empress's attention to a fascinating article in a recent issue of the New Yorker, titled "Punch Line: The History of Jokes and Those Who Collect Them." Author Jim Holt tells about the only joke book that has survived from ancient times, a Greek text called the Philogelos, or "laughter-lover." Among the 264 drunk jokes, miser jokes, sex maniac jokes, etc., is No. 114, which for some reason is missing its punch line. It concerns a resident of Abdera, a town featured in ancient Greek dopey-people jokes, much as Chelm is used for Yiddish dopey-people jokes, and West Virginia is a proud component of the United States: "Seeing a eunuch, an Abderite asked him how many children he had. The eunuch replied that he had none, since he lacked the means of reproduction. Retorted the Abderite . . ." Yes? Yes? What did he retort? Solve the riddle of the ages. The best punch line gets a second Inker; runner(s)-up will receive the Loser T-shirt. Re-Report from last week, in which we awarded the Inker to Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo., for his brilliantly clever anagram of the presidential oath of office: One famously kvetching Loser, whom we will not identify -- and who went inkless last week -- wrote in immediately to protest that the winning entry far exceeded the 100-letter limit specified in the contest. Curiously, the first runner-up, Brendan Beary of Great Mills, whose entry contained exactly 100 letters, did not inform us of that oversight, making the Empress suspect that he may actually have a life. Brendan wins an Inker, too. Report from Week 555, in which we asked for wholesome sentences that would be rejected by the filter of the very careful Neopets.com Web site. We heard from several actual Neopets aficionados with actual tales to tell: Donna Metler, for instance, reports that "I have learned the hard way that I can't tell people I play sax, as opposed to saxophone." And Andy Schwartz of Long Beach, N.Y., says the robo-censors wouldn't let him announce, "This Funny Pen is my badge of honor as a member of the Neopian Space Cadets." This week's entries were especially repetitive; if your idea is credited here to someone else, well, life on Earth can be unfair. Feel free to take your Petpet and relocate to the Neopian Moon of Kreludor. Watch your mouth, though. Second runner-up:The aspiring painters and sculptors even created a Web page, which may be viewed at www.festivalofarts.org. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) First runner-up, winner of the Feb. 25, 1972, copy of Life magazine: "My horse is injured, but I'm going to win the race anyway," Steven insisted. "I'm just going to do it with a pony." (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church) And the winner of the Inker: Visiting cousins in Guadalajara, young Guillermo got lost and burst into tears. "Don't cry, little fella -- Tio is right here!" said his uncle. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Honorable Mentions: Rev. Roberts had many evangelical achievements, but building his university in Tulsa really gave Oral satisfaction. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) I commute from Maryland, see? So every morning I enter Virginia, I screw around all day, then I pull out of Virginia and go home. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) "Ho! Ho! Ho!" cried Santa. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Texas Instruments invites hearing-impaired customers to contact us on the TI TTY line. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Jimmy felt cross burning his ex-girlfriend's letters, the white sheets bound tightly in leather. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Today's Bible reading is Zechariah 9:9, King James Version: "Behold, thy King cometh unto thee . . . riding upon an ass." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) We were admiring the splendid rainbow when a sudden cloudburst brought pink and golden showers. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Virginia Catholic School Girls Dominate Ball Game, Snatch 69th Victory (Erika Reinfeld, Somerville, Mass.) On our trip to California, we peeked into the downy nest of a pair of bushtits. (Janet Millenson, Potomac) Before erecting structure, assemble pieces on bare surface: wooden parts A through G, screws and nuts. For best results, rub parts gently with oil. (Mary Eaton, Arlington) Sen. Rick Santorum and Rep. Tom DeLay are Congress's staunchest defenders of family values. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) Eddie hated to walk home along Connecticut Avenue. Every day he was hassled by a group of Dupont Circle jerks. (Chris Doyle) My brother once made a sandwich with Miracle Whip, Ding Dongs and a chicken breast -- the same brother who graduated summa cum laude from Yale! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) The job listing, perfect for Mic's friend, was on Getty.org. As Mic looked at it with Liz, they found exactly the right position. (Jane Auerbach) ====================================================================== WEEK 560, published May 30, 2004 Week 560: The 97.5-Meter Dash Synchronized drywalling is approved as a demonstration sport. The promised retractable roof on the main stadium is "upgraded" to "the absolutely amazing invisible retractable roof." When champions bite their gold medals, chocolate squirts out. Longtime Loser John O'Byrne of Dublin called the Empress's attention to the "Post Mortem" humor column by Rob McKenzie and various sidekicks in Canada's National Post. A recent column noted that this year's Olympic Games in Athens are a few months away but eons behind schedule, and suggested some time- and cost-saving measures, including those listed above. You have to admit that they're pretty good, considering that this McKenzie guy is from, like, Manitoba, but we know that Team Invitational can leave those examples in the dust, as long as your palms are greased Olympically with magnets and shirts and the Little Pooping Man and the fabulous prize described below. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins "The Breast Book," a fascinating look at the concept of the breast in Western culture. It (the book) is roughly the size and shape of a brick. It would look better stacked, of course, but we have just the one copy. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Tuesday, June 8. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. Report from Week 556, in which we asked you for "hybrids" of animals. Great ideas submitted by too many of you: skunks x badgers = stinking badgers ("We don't need them"); camel x ocelot = camelot ("flourished for one brief shining moment"). And of course lots of entries featuring the shih tzu. Fourth runner-up: Cicada x elephant = cicaphant: Even after 17 years, it never forgets how nice you are. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Third runner-up: Emu x quail = email: a fast-flying bird that propagates rapidly, is monitored obsessively by humans, and often carries a virus. (Allan Moore, Washington) Second runner-up: Barbary ape x Chihuahua = barbarhuahua: an extremely inquisitive, persistent, noisy little bird. (John Sullivan, Long Beach, Calif.) First runner-up, the winner of the Super Duper Reindeer Pooper jellybean dispenser: Monarch x woodchuck = princechuck: A pitiable drone that remains near its mother in its immature stage for years and years and years. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) And the winner of the Inker: Lion x crocodile = lioncrock: An enormous fish that got away. (Greg Pearson, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Swift x porpoise = modest porpoisal: a mammal that sensibly maintains its population level by eating its young.(Jack Cackler) Cardinal x carrier pigeon = cardcarrier: a creature that feels safest going along with the flock (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Condor x Morgan = condomorgan: a Trojan horse. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Chamois x cheetah = chamois sosa: shares habitat with newly discovered species, the corked bat. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Cardinal x Shar-Pei = cardsharpei: one of the dogs playing poker. (Chris Doyle) Wombat x elephant = womant: a creature that can lift many times her own weight but won't tell you what that weight is. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Cuckoo x kinkajou = cuckookajou: a waddling animal with whiskers, tusks, and yellow matter custard dripping from its eye. (Bird Waring, New York) Badgers x gnus = badgnus: travels fast, on or underground; often unearthed by pesky hounds. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Elkhound x batfish = whatzitz: a bizarre creature with wings, scales, antlers and paws; thought to be related to the platypus. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Donkey x Homo sapiens = a wise ass. (Arthur Litoff, York Springs, Pa.) Scottish terrier x tapir = scotchtapir: Uses sticky traps to ensnare its prey. (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria) Aardvark x dace x nightingale = aarddacenight: a creature that subsists on beetles. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Afghan hound X bandicoot = talibandicoot: The female of the species is not allowed out of the nest. (Brendan Beary) Lark x king salmon = larriking: An odd-looking bird that never stops squawking -- and doesn't know when to stop spawning. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) Monarch butterfly x sea anemone = arch enome, which has PLANS for the coral reef, yes, grand plans indeed, mwahahahaha! (Mark Young, Washington) Cheetah x shrew = billary: the Clinton family mascot. (Russell Beland) Unicorn x tick = unick: an animal with a useless horn. (Scott Slaughter, Mount Airy) Green iguana x gila monster = green monster: a huge animal that looks like it could swallow up anything, yet can't seem to stop ordinary flies from sailing over its head. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Mite x otter = kindashuda: a creature that keeps looking at its own tracks. (Russell Beland) Canary x ibis = canabis: A puffin that can fly really, really high. (Chris Doyle; Joe Cackler, Stanford, Calif.) Aardvark x platypus x Tyrannosaurus rex = aatypus rex: a creature that can mate only with its mother. (Kirsten Andersen, Los Angeles) Condor x leech = condoleecha: a creature known to produce prolonged bleeding from whatever crosses its path. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Newt x anaconda = nanaconda: a snake that squeezes your cheeks until you suffocate. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Chinchilla x brown bear = chillbro: the peacekeeper of the herd (a tropical subspecies is chinchilla x mongoose = chillmon) (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Sandpiper x penguin = sanguin: the Brown Bird of Optimism (John Held, Fairfax) Halibut x viper = butvipe: a creature native to Germany that is often abused by other species. (John Held) Bumblebee x beaver = bumblebeaver: a creature busier than itself. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Hen x trout = chickenout: an animal that's afraid to cross the road. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Ewe x manatee = ewemanatee: a two-legged creature that elicits an exclamation of surprise when spotted ("Oh!"). (Seth Brown; Chris Doyle) Mammoth x zebra = mammothbra, an animal that tends to have a diet abundant in dates. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Bushbaby x cassowary = bushwary: a species once threatened with extinction, but now spreading through Middle America. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) Wallaby x marten = walmart: a fast-propagating creature that invades an ecosystem and displaces all other species. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Badger x appaloosa = persistent loosa: leaves a pungent trail of ink. (Phil Frankenfeld) Rhode Island Red x tern x right whale = right tern on rhode whale red: a mutation of the road-crossing chicken. (Greg Arnold) Porcupine x soldier ant = porcupinesol: a pet that keeps its own cage sparkling clean and fresh. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Caribou x booby = caribooby: A deer with a rack that every hunter wants a shot at. (Chuck Smith) Junco x gibbon = juncbon: a creature that flies high but often crashes spectacularly. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Onager x anaconda = onanaconda: a creature with a declining population level. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Cheetah x ocelot = cheetalot: a cat with a mate that doesn't understand it. (Bird Waring) Panda x gopher = pander: an animal with an annoying but effective mating call: "Oh, Mei Xiang, you look so lovely tonight. Allow me to rearrange the leaves in your cave! Those reeds are very slimming for you! Perhaps they have also helped you with yesterday's headache?" (Mark Young, Washington) Airedale x anchovy = aichovy: a creature that travels quickly past other animals, always in groups of three or more. (Dave Zarrow) ====================================================================== WEEK 561, published June 6, 2004 Week 561: Deform of a Question A. None of them run; they just sit and rot. Q. How have those pairs of hemp-fiber pantyhose worked out? This week we revisit a successful contest from 1998, originally suggested by Jacob Weinstein of Los Angeles. Take any sentence appearing in The Washington Post or washingtonpost.com today through June 14, and make up a question to which the sentence could be an answer. The above example is from today's Dear Abby column about a man who collects junky cars. Please include the headline of the story or ad you're quoting. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a flask formed from the hoof and ankle of some dark-coated hairy ungulate, probably a deer. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Monday, June 14. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Ezra Deutsch-Feldman of Bethesda. Report from Week 557, in which we asked you to explain the difference between any two real or fictional people who have a common element in their names. The Empress decided, imperiously, that "people" could include animals and even inanimate objects that wear clothes and/or talk. So she does not want to hear complaints about the inclusion of any entries concerning Al Gore. Third runner-up: The difference between Dave Barry and Marion Barry is that Dave is famous for stuff that comes out of your nose. (Laura Shumar, Lafayette, Ind.) Second runner-up: The difference between Bobby Brown and Playskool's Bobby Q, the Magic Talkin' Grill, is that with Bobby Q, the battery's not included.(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) First runner-up, the winner of the genuine tasseled pasties: The difference between Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson: At least when Michael exposes himself in front of the youth of America, he has the decency to do it in the privacy of his own bedroom. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the Inker: The difference between Marilyn Monroe and Marilyn Quayle is that one reputedly slept with Jack Kennedy, and the other has slept with . . . well, he's no Jack Kennedy. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Honorable Mentions: The difference between Thomas Jefferson and George Jefferson is about seven generations. (Miles D. Moore, Alexandria) Seth Thomas and Clarence Thomas: Seth wanted time to move forward. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) Donald Rumsfeld and Donald Duck: When we can't understand Donald Duck, it's funny. (Eric Murphy, Chicago) John Dean and Howard Dean: You could almost imagine Kerry picking John Dean as his running mate. (Russell Beland) Lil' Kim and Kim Jong-Il: Although both are short and like to party, Lil' Kim doesn't perm her hair. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Jesse Ventura and Ace Ventura: Ace wasn't ashamed to admit when he was talking out of his butt. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Michael Jackson and Jackson Browne: Michael said, "Doctor my eyes, my nose, my ears, my chin, my skin . . ." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Daniel Day-Lewis and Jerry Lewis: Daniel had only one left foot. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg) George W. Bush and George of the Jungle: George of the Jungle started as a cartoon and then went to live action. (Peter Levitan, Sherman Oaks, Calif.) Billy Carter and Bill Clinton: One brings to mind a president's feckless relation, and the other a president's reckless fellation. (Chris Doyle) Sharon Osbourne and Ariel Sharon: She holds a house together; he takes them apart. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Pontius Pilate and Joseph Pilates: Joseph continues to torture people. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Curious George and George Bush: One of them makes a real effort to find out what's going on. (Jack Cackler, Jane Auerbach) Marion Barry and Barry Bonds: One did coke and was caught, and the other sells Coke and hasn't been. (Jack Cackler) Barry Bonds and Barry White: Both had a lot of hits, but White helped a lot more people score. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Elizabeth I and Elizabeth Taylor: One hymen, nine husbands and a couple of years. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Donald Trump and Ronald McDonald: Although both are successful commercial clowns, Ronald has much better hair. (Chris Doyle) Marquis de Sade and Sade: You didn't have to be a masochist to listen to the marquis sing. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Bing Crosby and David Crosby: The latter dreamed of white stuff all year round. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Moe Howard and Howard Hughes: Moe never saved his clippings. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Paul Simon and Simon Cowell: Cowell appears with more than one untalented hack. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Donald Rumsfeld and Donald Trump: Trump knows when to say, "You're fired!" (Robin Grove, Chevy Chase; Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Barney Frank and Barney Rubble: Rubble had a yabba-dabba-doo time, a dabba-doo time, too. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Edwin Newman and Alfred E. Newman: Unlike Alfred, Edwin might have worried that I'd spell his name wrong. (Russell Beland) Stephen King and Don King: Don has a bigger vocabulary. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Anita Bryant and Anita Hill: Anita Bryant would never mention anything strange in her drink. (Jane Auerbach) Jerry Lee Lewis and Jerry Falwell: Lewis didn't sue when people made jokes about his having sex with relatives. (Jane Auerbach) George Bush and George Washington: George Bush had enough sense not to allow military service to interfere with regular trips to the dentist. (Carl Northrop, Fairfax) John Holmes and John Doe: Oh, about six inches. (Chris Doyle) Janet Reno and Janet Jackson: Reno brashly showed the nation her best. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk) O.J. Simpson and Jessica Simpson: Anything Jessica puts on fits like a glove. (Kyle Hendrickson) James T. Kirk and James Bond: All Trekkies know that James Bond isn't a real person. (Kyle Hendrickson) Marie Antoinette and Marie Curie: Marie Curie had a good head on her shoulders. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) DeWitt Clinton and Bill Clinton: DeWitt Clinton dug big ditches. (Peter Metrinko; George Vary, Bethesda) Scott Carpenter and Karen Carpenter: He actually managed to achieve weightlessness. (Russell Beland) Prince Charming from "Cinderella" and Prince Charming from "Sleeping Beauty": The Cinderella one didn't force his attentions on a woman in a coma. How freaking kinky is that? (Russell Beland) Donald Duck and Donald Rumsfeld: At least the duck wears a uniform. (Russell Beland) William Jefferson Clinton and Thomas Jefferson: Monica was merely an employee. (Russell Beland) Queen Elizabeth and Queen Latifah: The crown jewels are not referred to as "the Windsor bling."(Brendan Beary) X the Owl and Malcolm X: Only one fought against being a puppet of the white man. (Brendan Beary) John Kerry and John-Boy Walton: John-Boy at least says "good night" when he puts you to sleep. (Miles D. Moore) Zbigniew Brzezinski and . . . give me a minute . . . (Brendan Beary). The difference between John Adams (second president) and John Quincy Adams (sixth) is similar to the difference between George H.W. Bush (41) and George W. Bush (43) in that 6-2 = 4, and 43-41 = 2, which is the square root of 4, which is exactly the way the Trilateral Commission planned it, DON'T YOU SEE? IT'S SO OBVIOUS!!! (Roy Ashley) ====================================================================== WEEK 562, published June 13, 2004 Week 562: The LMNs of Style This week's contest will drive you crazy. You may blame Jack Suber of Cabin John, who came up with this idea while playing with the alphabet blocks of his 14-month-old son (who one day will get to use them, too). The late children's book author and cartoonist William Steig had this idea earlier and made a couple of books out of it, "CDB" and "CDC." Write a funny sentence (or more) that you "spell" with only the sounds of the names of letters (e.g., bee, aitch, eye, ess) and those of numbers 1 through 9. So you don't "accidentally" copy Mr. Steig's work, make your sentences inappropriate for a children's picture book (but still printable in this newspaper, whose editors do not like bad words). For example, the sentence in the cartoon above reads, "I see you in a beady tutu." You may include punctuation. (Attention, aliens: This is America and Z is pronounced "zee"; it does not rhyme with "dead.") Jack wins a plush toy germ that no doubt he will also not let his kid play with. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins "Mad About Martha," a 1996 parody paper-doll book that features costumes for Ms. Stewart as cocktail waitress, Marie Antoinette and even president of the United States, but fails to include an orange jumpsuit. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Monday, June 21. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 11. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 558, in which we asked for right-leaning political humor in any of several standard joke forms. The Empress wasn't overly surprised to receive some entries that were, let's say, a bit disingenuous, such as this one from Brendan Beary of Great Mills: "Beware, let me tell you / Of that damned ACLU / And their whole Bill of Rights, / I mean, goods, that they'd sell you." But first, an amazing bit of news to report, courtesy of Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who has meticulously compiled Loser stats since the Invitational's birth in 1993 (www.gopherdrool.com): With his ink this week, Russell Beland of Springfield has had more than seven hundred entries, contest suggestions, etc., printed since he first entered in 1994. While some readers assumed that writing entries was his full-time job, it should be known that Russ actually devotes several hours a week to his big-shot position at the Pentagon. Russ is now about 50 blots of ink above Nos. 2 and 3, Tom Witte and Chuck Smith, who by strange coincidence are also federal employees. Back to conservative humor: Fourth Runner-Up: How can you tell if a pickup truck is owned by a liberal? That's a trick question -- Volvo doesn't make pickup trucks! (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Third Runner-Up: What's the difference between the National Education Association and the National Rifle Association? The NRA wants to teach kids to set their sights on something. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: What's the difference between John Kerry and John Paul II? Only one of them is supposed to pontificate endlessly. (Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner-Up, winner of the autographed copy of Joseph Romm's book "The Hype About Hydrogen": What's the difference between conservative and liberal faith-based initiatives? Well, we could find only one example of the latter -- Andres Serrano's "Piss Christ." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) And the winner of the Inker: How can you tell that the Washington Post is liberal? Conservative Invitational entries can be published only by affirmative action. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Honorable Mentions: What's the difference between . . . . . . "The Catcher in the Rye" and the Pledge of Allegiance? We might have to stop teaching the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools because its content might offend somebody. (Russell Beland, Springfield) . . . Michael Moore and Osama bin Laden? One directed "9/11" to demoralize America, and the other is a terrorist. (Bob Dalton) . . . a stopped-up toilet and a liberal? Eventually, you can get the toilet to work. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) . . . Karl Marx and Harpo Marx? Harpo had the good sense to keep quiet.(Russell Beland) . . . a rich liberal and a rich conservative? A rich conservative thinks he deserves his money, while a rich liberal thinks the conservative should give it to charity. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) . . . a conservative and a liberal? To improve the economy, the first would buy a Hummer, while the second would hire a bum. (Chris Doyle) . . . unborn children and mass murderers: Some people are confused about which group the Constitution should protect. (Russell Beland) . . . a conservative commentator and a liberal commentator? One is called a conservative commentator; the other is called a commentator. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) . . . a conservative and a liberal? Conservatives love John Birch; liberals love birch johns. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) . . . Jesse James and Jesse Jackson? Jesse James was wanted in a lot of places. (George Vary, Bethesda) . . . Kerry and Carrie? At least Carrie generates some heat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) . . . John Kerry and John Edwards? Kerry will be a senator in January. (Chuck Smith) . . . predictions of global warming and the college football rankings? One is the complex numerical analysis and evaluation of a topic with factors having major importance to concerned citizens across the country. The other is just a bogus weather report. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) . . . a conservative and a liberal? The conservative keeps his hand close to his vest; the liberal keeps his hand close to your pocket. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) . . . an illegal Mexican immigrant and a Texas Democrat? The Mexican seeks democracy by sneaking into Texas. (Bob Dalton) . . . John Kerry and a roulette wheel? When a roulette wheel stops spinning, there's at least a small chance it won't cost you money. (Allan Moore, Washington) . . . John Kerry and a knock-knock joke? In a knock-knock joke, you learn who is really there. (Carl Northrop, Fairfax) Knock, knock . . . . . . Who's there? Kerry. Kerry who? Kerry your water for you, Mr. Chirac? (John McMillan, Manassas) . . . Who's there? Your car engine, running on EPA-formula gas. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) . . . Who's there? John Kerry. John Kerry who? Who do you want me to be? (Bob Dalton; Robert L. Hershey, Washington) . . . Who's there? Big government. Big government who? Just kidding -- big government doesn't knock, it bashes in the door and takes your gun away. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) . . . Who's there? Global warming. Global warming who? Actually there's nobody here, but global warming could be here soon. (Seth Brown) Kerry won the nomination, Promptly took a short vacation; Said he needed to unwind. Put on flip-flops, changed his mind. (Bob Dalton) How can you tell if a liberal has just won a presidential election? He finally reveals his definition of "middle class." Bulletin: It doesn't include you. (Tom Witte) And Last: How can you tell if a humor contest has a liberal bias? The prize is an environmental screed by some low-level Clinton appointee. (Joseph Romm) ====================================================================== WEEK 563, published June 20, 2004 Week 563: Take Two The difference between aromatherapy and Ivory Soap is that one of them is 9944/100 percent hooey. John Kerry's smile Aromatherapy The horse who beat Smarty Jones The next Redskins season William Hung of "American Idol" Cicada Fricassee The Eunuch of Abdera $2.39 The next Harry Potter movie Ivory Soap The ranch in Crawford, Tex. A pile of odd socks Mackerel ice cream The Stanley Cup playoffs This week's contest is an Invitational perennial: Take any two of the items on this list and explain how they resemble or differ from each other. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins "The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts," a marvelously informative picture book translated from the Japanese, featuring many cartoons of animals and people passing gas in the bathtub, at the dinner table, at the zookeeper, etc. It is by far the finest children's book on farting that we have ever gotten wind of. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Monday, June 28. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Results of our Special Extra Added Bonus Contest to come up with a punch line to the Oldest Joke in the World, the one that appears only partially in an ancient Greek joke book: "Seeing a eunuch, an Abderite [ancient Greek code word for doofus] asked him how many children he had. The eunuch replied that he had none, since he lacked the means of reproduction. Retorted the Abderite . . ." The most common responses (which were variously reported as the "actual" punch lines): * "You can have as many as you like -- you just have to give them candy first." * "How sad! Did your parents have the same condition?" * "But I'm a eunuch, too -- and my adoring wife has given me four lovely children!" But there were some good original entries, too, mostly wildly anachronistic, including: Second runner-up: "Do not give up hope. My brother is a eunuch, and yet wise people tell him every day that he can go reproduce himself."(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) First runner-up: "So I guess that IS a banana in your pocket." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And the winner of the Extra Inker: "Ah, you have the same condition, I hear, as my wife's dear friend Philanderus." (Chris Doyle) Report from Week 559, in which we asked you to write a sign or slogan for a business: But first, an embarrassing coincidence: Ross Patterson of Reston gleefully wrote in to inform The Empress that several jokes of this kind -- including the one we used in the cartoon as an example -- formed the theme of the May 16 crossword by Seth A. Abel in The Washington Post Magazine. Whose results, of course, ran May 23 -- the very day this contest was announced in the Invitational. The Empress is fairly sure, however, that Mr. Abel did not hack into her computer and steal the list of jokes, stolen off the Internet, that someone had sent her. Fourth runner-up: Botox clinic: For That Frosty Mug Sensation! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Third runner-up: Reddi-Wip: From Our Can to Yours (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Second runner-up: Outside a mousetrap factory: Line Forms on Beaten Path (Russell Beland, Springfield) First runner-up, winner of the dead-minnow tie clip: Anesthesiologist: We Conk to Stupor (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) And the winner of the Inker: Sunshine Veggie Burgers and Dogs: You'll Hardly Know You Aren't Eating a Dead Animal (Eric Murphy, Chicago) Honorable Mentions: Sperm bank: Procreation Without Representation (Joseph Romm, Washington) Auto mechanic: If It Ain't Broke, We Fix It (Russell Beland) Cicada Exterminators Inc.: 16-Year Guarantee! (Bill Clark, Kensington) Plus-size boutique: Plenty of Parking in Rear (Russell Beland) Credit card company: We Take an Interest in You Forever (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Department of Motor Vehicles: We're Not Happy Till You're Not Happy! (Lynn Dawson, Centreville) Larry's Lumberjacks: We're Okay! (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) U.S. Capitol Police: We Protect Your Volubles (Harold Mantle, Gaithersburg) Keebler: For Every Carb You Cut, an Elf Loses His Job (Eric Murphy, Chicago) NRA: Guns Don't Kill People. Sucking Chest Wounds Kill People. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Anger management clinic: Bilious and Bilious Served (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Discount Funerals Inc.: A Little Slab'll Do Ya (Allan Moore, Washington) Dog walking service: We've Got a Leg Up on the Competition (Bill Clark) Hard Hat Construction Co.: Your Fish Can Ride My Bicycle Anytime, Baby (Roy Ashley, Washington) Egg farm: Visitors Welcome: We Won't Get in Your Face (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Cover Girl Cosmetics: Because You're Not as Pretty as You Think (Jean Sorensen) Humane Society benefit: Race for the Cur (Peter Metrinko) Brothel: There's No Satisfaction Like a Job Well Done (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) Bra boutique: We Fix Flats (Dorothy W. Linowes, Chevy Chase) Dermatology clinic: A Watched Boil Never Pops (Peter Metrinko) Oncology clinic: We're a Large Growth Company (Cecil J. Clark, Arlington) Urology clinic: Winning the Admiration of Our Peers (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Sperm bank: The Future Is in Your Hands (Dave Prevar) Magic shop: Now You See It, Now You (Dave Prevar) Mortuary Coiffures Inc.: Hairdo Eternity (Chris Doyle) Eye, ear, nose and throat clinic: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil? We Can Help! (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) Tie shop: 10 Percent Off Your Neck's Order (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Pooper Scoopers Inc.: Celebrating 35 Years in Business (Russell Beland) Carmen's Coconut Bras for Men: Apparel of Laughs (Chris Doyle) Egyptian Tourism Board: Hey, we stopped forcing people to make pyramids 4,000 years ago. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Credit improvement service: We Repair Collateral Damage (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Endocrinology clinic: Gland Opening! (Brendan Beary) Group therapy clinic: Esteem Cleaning (Tom Witte) Oldies station: Good to the Last Doowop (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) ====================================================================== WEEK 564, published June 27, 2004 Week 564: Redefine Print Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained. Carcinoma: A valley in California known for its heavy smog. Bustard: A very rude Metrobus driver. This week's contest is a simple, no-twists repetition of a classic Invitational from 1998: Redefine any word from the dictionary, as in the examples above (by Michelle Feeley, Tom Witte and Christopher Hapner, respectively), which were among the 50 losing entries printed. No, we won't run those results again, but if you are so pathetically unlucky as to coincidentally submit the same definition that someone else got ink with six years ago -- of all the possible words in the dictionary and all the possible funny redefinitions of those words -- well, you've turned to the right page, Loser. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a paint-by-number set of either the Mona Lisa or Julia Roberts; we're not quite sure. The Empress can only hope that the Loser who wins this fine prize donates it back to us -- finished and signed, of course -- so that she can palm it off again. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Tuesday, July 6. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 25. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 560, in which we asked for suggestions to cut corners on the impending and still beleaguered Olympic Games in Athens. Bronze Medal for The Entry That Half of You Sent In: Replace the Olympic Flame with a Zippo lighter/tiki torch/flashlight with construction paper. Silver Medal for The Entry That the Other Half of You Sent In: Award winners the pyrite medal. And the Gold Medal for The Entry That Every Single Person Sent In: Have all the athletes compete as they did at the original Olympics: in the nude. Third runner-up: Require athletes to share their performance-enhancing drugs with the construction workers.(Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Second runner-up: Save on security costs: Ban foreigners. (Russell Beland, Springfield) First runner-up, winner of "The Breast Book": Instead of releasing the doves in the Opening Ceremonies, have the badminton players whack some shuttlecocks into the air. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) And the winner of the Inker: Replace the Opening Ceremonies with the Closing Ceremonies. (Marc Leibert, New York) Honorable Mentions: Instead of using expensive electronic devices, have someone from the stands come down and say, "One-Mississippi, Two-Mississippi . . ." (Brian Feldman, Chantilly) Play all the national anthems nonstop. Everyone will have to stand up all the time -- no need for seats. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Cancel the quarry contract, and have the masons use those stones lying around the Parthenon. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Appoint the Oracle at Delphi chief judge for all events, obviating the need for actually holding them. (George Smith, Frederick) Have the relay racers simply throw the batons from one to another instead of wasting all that time running it around the track. (Dean N. Alterman, Portland, Ore.) No need to introduce every last little country in the Opening Ceremonies: Just group them as "Coalition" and "Evildoers." (Milo Sauer) Make "Return to Ruin" the official Olympic theme, and shun contemporary "finished" construction in favor of a retro, roofless, wall-less, sanitationless decor. (Josh Tucker, Kensington) Present kazoos to the winning athletes so they can play their own national anthems. (Stephen Litterst, Ithaca, N.Y.) Not only should the athletes be naked, everyone should be naked. They'd save a bundle on security wands, though it would put a dent in the sales of those little pins. (Bruce Schuckman, Annandale) Do it like the NBC coverage, and hold just the events that the Americans have a shot in. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Restrict women's gymnastics to women -- that is, females who have actually entered puberty. Then flip a coin between the two remaining contestants and you're through. (Thad Humphries, Warrenton) After a lengthy Socratic debate on the real importance of the fifth ring, sophists win the vote and the Olympic committee accepts Audi's donation of 1,000 flags. (Nicolas Clutterbuck, Buenos Aires) Instead of obtaining a recording of each country's national anthem, just play "We Are the World" at every medal ceremony. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Reduce the number of paid Olympics officials so it's only twice the number of athletes. (Chris Doyle) Run all the track events on treadmills. Not only would they free up field space, but they could be hooked to generators to light up the soccer stadium. (David W. Kleeman, Chicago) Bribes to contractors will have a 5 percent courtesy fee deducted. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cut TV costs and raise ratings hugely by replacing those cloying "up close and personal" features with Three Stooges shorts. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) In off hours, use the Olympic pool as a wishing well. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Lower taxes. (G.W.B., Washington) (Daniel Mauer, Silver Spring; Jack Cackler, Falls Church) Save space and ensure record times in the 100-, 200- and 400-meter dashes by holding them on the archery field. (Andrea Palmiter, Redmond, Wash.) Replace photo finishes with quickly sketched finishes. (Art Grinath) Instead of the pole vault mats and bar, just have contestants pair off on the runway in jousts. It won't save time, but it would be wicked awesome to watch. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Daily stadium giveaways: Friday, hard hats; Saturday, chamber pots; Sunday, first 2,000 fans get self-adhesive linoleum squares (available in Locker Room 5). (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Hang a "Mission Accomplished" sign three months ago. (Jonathan Obee, Washington) URGENT. CONFIDENTIAL. I can provide access to a dormant account in the Nigerian National Bank that holds sixty million US dollars which will help you fund your construction . . . (Dr. William Ngama, Lagos) (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Third-place finishers now win bronze refrigerator magnets. (Joseph Romm, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 565, published July 4, 2004 Week 565: Anthem Is as Anthem Does Sometime before the sun sets today, at the parade or at the game or at the park before the fireworks, you will find yourself belting out a syntactic jumble about watching o'er ramparts, your pollen-saturated voice cracking up on "glare" like a strip of old Scotch tape. Don't let it happen again. For this week's contest, give us a verse for an alternative U.S. national anthem, set to any well-known tune. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up receives a vial of industrial-strength bubble gum food flavoring, plus a list of all the entries submitted by Russell Beland, Peter Metrinko and Brendan Beary for the contest below. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Monday, July 12. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo., and Seth Brown of North Adams, Mass. Today's contest was suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 561, in which we asked you to take a sentence from The Post or its Web site and supply a question it could answer. Once again, this challenge produced marvelous results, though relatively few people entered. Among those who did, however, was Obsessive Loser Russell Beland of Springfield, who sent in, in nine separate e-mails, 127 entries, most of them very funny. And Only Slightly Less Obsessive Losers Peter Metrinko of Plymouth, Minn., and Brendan Beary of Great Mills submitted 58 and 55 entries, respectively, most of them very funny (though a couple weren't quite printable). To those readers who gripe that they see the same names each week: You send the Empress 127 fabulous jokes and she'll write your name over and over, too. Sixth runner-up: Then I went to Harvard, where I was a varsity athlete in basketball and crew. What happened after you finished your book tour, Jayson?(Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Fifth runner-up: In Virginia, Asian Americans also have been wooed by both parties. Is it true that even politicians insult people now by poking fun at their ethnic names? (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Fourth runner-up: In a good way. What line never works after informing your wife that her new outfit does indeed make her look fat? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Third runner-up: Don't run, don't make any loud noises. What advice from his mother does Howard Dean regret not taking? (Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Second runner-up: We look forward to completing the proposed merger after all conditions have been satisfied. How did Al announce his engagement to Tipper? (Russell Beland) First runner-up, the winner of the hairy deer-leg flask: Bill Murray, hands down. What did Jane Curtin often have to say during costume changes at "Saturday Night Live"? (Brendan Beary) And the winner of the Inker: I know I have to get up in the morning and put my underwear on first and my pants on next. After receiving some helpful advice on the subway today, how will I change my dressing regimen tomorrow? (Marc Leibert, New York) Honorable Mentions: It is not only the way she lived that people remember. What is the greatest understatement ever about Isadora Duncan? (Russell Beland) All my friends from high school have children. What did your teenage daughter say just before you transferred her to the military academy? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) One person can come along like a wave and wash it all away. What did one spider tell his friend who was building his web in a urinal? (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) If it looks like it hasn't been used in 10 years, it probably hasn't. Have any tips for dating older men? (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Winning hearts and minds is my job, in a nutshell. How does the Planters mascot describe his role? (Russell Beland) Sen. Joseph R. Biden Jr. (D-Del.) and Rice. What's planned for the menu next time Hannibal Lecter comes to Washington? (Brendan Beary) Just bloody get on with it, then. What are the traditional words of foreplay used by the British royal family? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) A series of chain reactions will destroy Earth unless a time traveler successfully completes his mission. What's the lamest ploy ever used by a guy trying to get lucky? (Brendan Beary) There was a tremendous amount of worry that the Irish and Jews were just not good enough. How did the Bullets ever end up with a name like the Wizards? (Russell Beland) Love pleaded guilty last month to a misdemeanor drug charge and agreed to enter a drug-rehabilitation program. Baby, baby, where did our love go? (Peter Metrinko) Using a lit match, carefully heat the bottom of the broken piece, then lightly push the two pieces back together. What was the worst suggestion given to John Wayne Bobbitt? (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Don't leave any big lumps. What is Rule No. 1 when you "interrogate" a suspect? (Chris Doyle; Brendan Beary) They lead to a poorly lit back room in the basement. What have I found out about my degrees in philosophy and humanistic studies? (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) "This is not a drill, this is not a drill." What hypnosis-oriented alternative to Novocaine met with little success? (Jane Auerbach) I went to music school for almost a year. Except for "Smoke on the Water," what's the last thing you want to hear when a guy on the bus pulls out an accordion? (Russell Beland) Most experts expect it in 10 to 20 years. When is the next issue of Martha Stewart Living? (Milo Sauer) Like you're wearing a chiffon party dress without a slip. What did the Valley girl say when she saw her friend wearing a chiffon party dress without a slip? (Peter Metrinko) The average speed of 97.042 mph was the slowest in Dover history by more than 3 mph. How bad is the traffic on Delaware highways following high school graduation ceremonies? (Jon Reiser) Shoot, I'm looking forward to it. Do you have any last words for the firing squad, wise guy? (Chris Doyle) Adrian describes a "pinprick sensation" during the procedure. How do we know Rocky Balboa was a less than satisfactory lover? (Brendan Beary) "I did it! I shook Kucinich's hand!" a girl squealed. What sentence went through five Washington Post fact-checkers before it was deemed to be true? (Milo Sauer) I was touched by your letter to Dear Abby, and I want you to know that you can become the president of the United States because of who you are, not in spite of it. Dear Abby: Is it true that I can't get electorated because Y2K bugs will make the computers confuse my pappy and I? (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) We are 25 percent female and 7 to 10 percent minority company-wide. How has Michael Jackson been referring to his condition? (Brendan Beary) More of these in next week's column as space permits. ====================================================================== WEEK 566, published July 11, 2004 Week 566: Get Whack Earwax snoodle: What you are never supposed to see on a Q-Tip. This week's contest takes us, after our recent wallow in the Invitational archives, back to the 21st century and back to the Internet for a game that's the darling of the geek circuit: Googlewhacking, whose challenge is to type a two-word phrase into the Google search engine that produces exactly one result. Not zero results, not two. We'll take this a step further: Your mission is to come up with such a phrase and to define it, as in the example above. Anyone who cheats on this and posts something to a Web site for the purposes of winning a no-money humor contest has the Empress's permission to go to a trophy shop and buy one of those really big trophies with eagles and stuff, and tack on a plaque saying Aren't I Great. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a cassette tape labeled "Subliminal Persuasion Self-Hypnosis Cassette Tape: Subliminal: Stop Loss of Hair." Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Monday, July 19. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Elden Carnahan of Laurel. Today's contest was suggested by Jon Reiser of Hilton, N.Y. Report from Week 562, in which the Empress asked for sentences made from the sounds of the names of the letters and digits: Remember, they're to be read out loud, letter by letter. If you think the entries below are a stretch, consider that a large share of the responses contained words like R-E-B-L (ar-ee-bee-ell) for "horrible." We'll say. Third Runner-up: U R APLN N NRSN, YL I M TDS N SN9. I F L O IQ. N I M M S XULE: I F VD N ED. R U BZ 2MRO? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) You are appealing and interesting, while I am tedious and asinine. I have a low IQ. And I am a mess sexually: I have VD and ED. Are you busy tomorrow? Second Runner-Up: IM NRE D H, I M, NRE D H, I M, I M. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) I'm Henry the Eighth, I am, Henry the Eighth, I am, I am. First Runner-Up, the winner of the "Mad About Martha" paper-doll book: LN DGNRS, U R L SBN. NBC VIP; ME, TV. N H S DVS. 8RO6UL? KG, MBQS, AC/DC. (Chris Doyle) Ellen DeGeneres, you are a lesbian. NBC VIP; Emmy, TV. Anne Heche is devious. Heterosexual? Cagey, ambiguous, AC/DC. And the winner of the Inker: U C I 8 N 8 D ZT: S Y I F ENRMS CT. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) You see I ate and ate the ziti: Is why I have enormous seatie. Honorable Mentions: Y TNQ LS. I, 2, 1 2 F 6 N D PNO! Why, thank you, Alice. I, too, want to have sex in the piano!(Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) ODS 4N XPDNC: LMN8 D NME N TNMN. Odious foreign expediency: eliminate the enemy in Tiananmen. (Tom Greening, North Bethesda) BUT S N D I F D 1 DLN N XS AL. Beauty is in the eye of the one dealin' in excess ale.(Natalie Rutkowski, Manassas) N NBC, UC KT 2 B A QT N D AM N J 2 B 1 N D PM. On NBC, you see Katie to be a cutie in the a.m. and Jay to be one in the p.m. (Jim Tucker, Charlottesville) F U R FMN8 N JL, UL B A 6 FND NDN. If you are effeminate in jail, you'll be a sex offendee in the end. (Tom Greening) I 1 T RABN OEL. N D NRK: XEQ T NME. JL S NFXUL. C Z MR8 N Q8 2. I want the Arabian oil. End the anarchy: execute the enemy. Jail is ineffectual. Seize the Emirate and Kuwait, too. (Tom Greening) I M N XLN PNS. Y S N NE1 NVS M E? I am an excellent pianist. Why isn't anyone envious of me? (Chris Doyle) W, ON 2 BN CD, U "1" N '00; U L B N X N '05. W, owing to being seedy, you "won" in '00; you will be an ex- in '05.(Jim Tucker) F D US LX W N JNE, I L F 2 B A KNADN. If the U.S. elects Bush and Cheney, I will have to be a Canadian.(Lennie Magida, Potomac) F U R FRNR, U R SNFABH. If you are a foreigner, you are an SOB. (J. Ashcroft, Washington) (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) "LO, QT. I M MEDM, N I M '4CN' U 2MRO. "O? NE BS N UL B '4CN' JL, YS S." "Hello, cutie. I am a medium, and I am 'foreseeing' you tomorrow."(Chris Doyle) C D MP N Q8. E S N2 SNM. E Z POW OK N JL? See the MP in Kuwait. He is into S&M. Is the POW okay in jail? (Carl Katz, Potomac) I MNLAS. M I 2 FMN8 4 LN? I am Menelaus. Am I too effeminate for Helen? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) N I 4 N I B4 U XP8. An eye for an eye before you expiate. (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria) I 4C A 4A 2 CQR A B9 4N NME . . . O-O. I foresee a foray to secure a benign foreign enemy . . . uh-oh. (D. Rumsfeld, Washington) (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) O B! ND! OP S PN N2 A PNO! Oh, Bee! Andy! Opie is peein' into a piano! (Steve Fahey, Kensington) And Last: G, THIS IZNT 2 HARD! (D. QAL, FENX) (Roy Ashley, Washington) More losers from Week 559, in which you were asked to take a sentence from The Post and write a question that the sentence might answer: It means a lot. What does $300,000 buy you in the D.C. housing market? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Waving from the rear of the expansive peach dining room is a seated, bronze-colored Buddha. What's a sign that someone has slipped LSD into your soda at McDonald's? (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) I didn't come to hear frogs. What Bush comment caused a flap at the D-Day ceremony in France? (Chris Doyle) We are just going to have to make a determination as to what level they can do that at. How do editors explain how they decide whether to let writers end sentences with prepositions? (Russell Beland) Most Iraqis did not understand the vulgarities shouted by U.S. soldiers. Why did President Bush request funding to send more translators to Baghdad? (Seth Brown) That gives him a vocabulary similar to dolphins, apes, sea lions and parrots who have undergone extensive training. Did you hear that President Bush fired all his speechwriters? (Chris Doyle) He married her. What's the main difference between Soon-Yi and her mother? (Russell Beland) He's way overblown. What's the buzz on Bill Clinton's memoirs? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) People will badger you about what you did all summer, and their faces will be unable to conceal their horror as they realize you mostly ate Fritos. What did Karl Rove say to President Bush in advising him against another televised press conference? (Robin Grove, Chevy Chase) They move into dens in late March or early April to give birth, and stay until their young are able to fend for themselves four or five months later. What's the newest wrinkle in the trend of grown children moving back home with their parents? (Russell Beland) She says she protested at every leg of the journey. What did the loser of the bikini-waxing marathon have to say? (Milo Sauer) Many people who hire us feel it in their gut and have their suspicions confirmed. Monsieur Chef, why do you think your catering business went bankrupt? (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) ====================================================================== WEEK 567, published July 18, 2004 Week 567: A Running Gag For this week's contest, explain how any of these typically bizarre cartoons by Bob Staake relates to the current presidential campaign. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins an "Impala Skin Bushpen" donated to The Style Invitational ages ago by Robin Diallo of Lilongwe, Malawi. It seems to be a regular ballpoint pen encased and capped with, well, impala skin. Pretty cool. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Monday, July 26. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 15. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Report from Week 563, in which we asked you to tell us how any two items on a 14-item list we supplied were different or alike. Of the 91 possible combinations of these items, the Empress received several entries comparing "Hung" and "horse." As in several plus a gazillion. Fourth Runner-Up: The difference between the ranch in Crawford, Tex., and aromatherapy: Saying "Let's put a W back in aromatherapy" makes no sense at all.(Helen Ward, Washington) Third Runner-Up: The difference between the next Redskins season and the next Harry Potter movie: I'll only have to watch the Redskins 16 times. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) Second Runner-Up: The difference between John Kerry's smile and $2.39: The latter is closer to a million dollars. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) First Runner-Up, the winner of the educational children's book "The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts": The difference between the next Redskins season and Ivory Soap: With the soap, at the end the owner will end up with a ring. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the Inker: The difference between William Hung and the Eunuch of Abdera: Wait . . . it's coming to me . . . hold on . . . don't tell me . . . I've almost got it . . . (G.W.B., D.C.) (Mark Young, Washington) Honorable Mentions: The difference between John Kerry's smile and a pile of odd socks: The socks might generate some electricity. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Kerry's smile and the Eunuch of Abdera: No one accuses the eunuch of faking it. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Kerry's smile and the Stanley Cup playoffs: There are no Caps in the Stanley Cup playoffs. (Chuck Smith) Kerry's smile has a total of more than seven teeth. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) One involves getting a puck into the crease in the ice; the other requires getting a pucker into the crease in the ice. (Peter Jenkins, Washington) Kerry's smile and mackerel ice cream: One is augmented by Botox, while the other augments the buttocks. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Kerry's smile and the next Redskins season: They'll both fade in November. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Kerry's smile and the horse who beat Smarty Jones: Kerry's smile is more likely to cause the bartender to ask, "Why the long face?" (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.; Jean Sorensen; Tom Witte) William Hung of "American Idol" and the horse who beat Smarty Jones: The horse spent only 21/2 minutes making people sick to their stomachs. (Marc Channick, Los Angeles) There's no way that William Hung will get put on either side of a stamp. (Eric Murphy, Chicago) The next Redskins season and the Stanley Cup playoffs: You can't lose 12 games in the Stanley Cup playoffs. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The Eunuch of Abdera and the next Redskins season: We don't know how one of these jokes will end. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) The next Redskins season and mackerel ice cream: The ice cream will ruin your sundaes. . . . (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The next Redskins season and the next Harry Potter movie: Both will feature a bespectacled, self-important squirt named Daniel carrying on like he owns the joint. (Brendan Beary) The next Redskins season and the ranch in Crawford: You'll find them both below Dallas, and not getting any closer. (Brendan Beary) Ivory Soap and the Eunuch of Abdera: The eunuch never had Marilyn Chambers attached to his front. (G. Smith, Reston) They're both safe to lather up with in the shower. (Cecil J. Clark, Arlington; Chris Doyle) The Eunuch of Abdera and the horse who beat Smarty Jones: Jockeys fit well on the horse. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) A pile of odd socks and $2.39: They're equivalent in modulo 2. (Evan Golub, College Park) Mackerel ice cream and $2.39: Both will give you about a gallon of gas. (G. Smith, Reston) The ranch in Crawford and $2.39: You'll see bright, qualified presidents on the $2.39. (Annette Florence, Atlanta) The next Redskins season and $2.39: Only one of them would be good for nine full quarters and would generate a bit of interest. (Russell Beland; Jon Reiser) ====================================================================== WEEK 568, published July 25, 2004 Week 568: Tome Deftness What happened when your mom found out what you were looking at online? The last time I saw Paris. So what was the highlight of your South Pacific vacation? Guadalcanal diarrhea. What do you call it when you don't appreciate the value of money? Cents insensibility. This week's contest, suggested by nonstop contest-suggester Peter Metrinko of Plymouth, Minn.: Make a pun or similar wordplay on a book title, as in the examples above. Groaners are fine, as in the examples above. First-place winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a pair of shot glasses from the Hard Rock Cafe of Singapore. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 2. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of North Adams, Mass. Report from Week 564, in which we asked you to give new definitions for existing words. But first, some momentous news: With his blots of ink this week, Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo., passes into the Style Invitational Hall of Fame with his 500th printed entry, joining the rarefied circle of Chuck Smith, Jennifer Hart, Russell Beland and Tom Witte. And he has done it astonishingly quickly: Except for a single appearance in 1994, Chris -- who recently retired as the chief actuary for the Defense Department -- has been entering the Invitational for just over five years, in which time he's had 20 wins and 80 runners-up. Even you can do the math. Back to Week 564: There's a trick to reading some of these entries: You have to pronounce the words differently. For example, the first Honorable Mention below is pronounced as a one-syllable word. Get it? Good. No? Aw, c'mon, look at it again. Third Runner-Up: Apiary: An apartment shared by three bachelors.(Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Second Runner-Up: Registry: To give your final answer. (Ry Schwark, West Linn, Ore.) First Runner-Up, winner of the "Mona Lisa" paint-by-numbers set: Juggernaut: A flat-chested woman. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) And the winner of the Inker: Gypsum: The primary ingredient in car undercoating. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A Dictionary of Honorable Mentions: Abed: Defeated in a debate. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Alleviate: When you realize there isn't a word for it on the tip of your tongue, you invent a neologism. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Asinine: Seven of Nine's ex-husband. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Asinine: An almost perfect derriere. (Robin D. Grove, Chevy Chase) Aspic: Vote. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Bedpan: To have an affair with a man who never grew up. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Bordello: A lackadaisical greeting by service industry workers. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Bouffant: The typeface used for subtitles in foreign horror films. (Dan Blitz, Gaithersburg) Butter: More callipygian. (Tom Witte) Castigate: The bass-fishing tournament scandal. (Richard Lempert, Arlington) Cowl: What a 3-year-old sings at Christmas. (Dan Blitz) Crocodiles: Calls from telemarketers. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) Curvaceous: Built to bring the dog out in a man. (Tom Witte) Define: To lose one's looks. (Tom Witte) Destroy: De tale of a dyslexic. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Diadem: To remain a staunch liberal all your life. (Tom Witte) Downplay: To pillow-fight. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk) Dubious: A cigarette that looks suspiciously like a joint. (Chris Doyle) Effusive: Given to torrents of vulgarity. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Empress: Use a phony title to increase one's self-esteem. (Stephen Litterst, Ithaca, N.Y.) Encounter: The guy at the FCC whose job is to tally racial slurs made by shock jocks. (Tom Witte) Epoxy: Infected with a computer virus. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Erosion: An atomic particle that charges sexual desire. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Exit: The person who's just tagged someone. (Russell Beland) Filibuster: A breast-implant surgeon. (T.L. Vernon, Verona, Va.) Flaccid: A Spaniard who walks with a limp. (Stephen Dudzik) Flatulent: A rental property. (Tom Witte) Fly-casting: Throwing out allure by ogling a man's rod and reel. (Chris Doyle) Forlorn: The feeling when you realize that "Saturday Night Live" isn't very funny anymore. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Frijoles: A church without a collection plate. (Russell Beland) Fuchsia: Flowery language used on the Senate floor. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Gambling: An ankle bracelet. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Gauche: What librarians do. (Sara St. Thomas, Winchester, Va.) Hardscrabble: The all-consonant version. (Chuck Smith) Homogeneous: Oscar Wilde. (Chuck Smith) Hundred: Fear of Baltimore waitresses. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Incandescent: Going over the falls in a barrel. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Infantry: Boys being boys. (Tom Witte) Infest: A West Virginia wedding reception. (Ned Bent) Lumbago: An RV made of wood. (Russell Beland) Macadam: The prototype Apple computer. (Tom Witte) Meander: A lovers' stroll. (Seth Brown) Paparazzo: What Dustin Hoffman called his dad in "Midnight Cowboy." (G. Smith, Reston) Parasites: What one sees from the Eiffel Tower. (Peter Levitan, Sherman Oaks, Calif.) Pastoral: When you know what your spouse wants without her asking. (Stan Kegel, Orange, Calif.) Petard: Something that slows the progress of animal rights. (Russell Beland) Podiatry: Inadequate nutrition. (Dave Prevar) Predicament: That embarrassing wait for the Viagra to kick in. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Prescient: A gift from a drunk. (William R. Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.) Prestidigitator: Someone with a painfully strong handshake. (Thomas B. Jabine, Washington) Pshaw: A terse pan of "Pygmalion." (Bill Spencer) Rampage: Parchment. (Tom Witte) Relay: Something you and your spouse did every night of your honeymoon, but not on your fifth anniversary. (Thad Humphries, Warrenton) Rubberneckers: A couple practicing very safe sex. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) Serendipity: An extremely toxic chemical hair-straightening agent. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Shiva: A cutting remark that you grieve for a week over having said. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Soda: Totally obvious to a teenager. (Mark Young, Washington) Thorny: What Sylvester suffered after ACL surgery. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Undine: Puke. (Russell Beland) Wrap: A song about safe sex. (Tom Witte) ====================================================================== WEEK 569, published August 1, 2004 Week 569: Murphy's Lore This week's contest comes to you directly from the plaintive pixels of up-and-coming Loser Eric Murphy of Chicago, who e-mailed the Empress: "I just signed a lease for a new apartment with my girlfriend, and her grandparents are not especially keen on the idea. 1. What could I say to them to allay their fears? 2. If I were to propose to said girlfriend, what methods should I avoid? 3. If the two of us made it all the way to the altar, what statements should I leave out of my wedding vows?" Give Eric the advice he deserves on any of his questions. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a bizarre vinyl LP record titled "Chevrolet Sings of Safe Driving and You," dating from the mid-'60s and intended for driver's ed classes. It features soupy folk-style arrangements of such classics as "Cities and Towns (Driving in City and Heavy Traffic)" and "Gentle Things (Adverse Condition Driving)." Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 8. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Danny Bravman of Potomac. Report from Week 565, in which we asked for songs, set to well-known tunes, that might substitute for the hard-to-sing "Star-Spangled Banner". From the look of a large number of entries, you'd think we'd won independence from France. Third Runner-Up: To "Wonderful World": Don't care much about diplomacy; We don't bother with complexity. We cut issues down to black-and-white; There's a 50-50 chance we're right. But we're sure our every cause is just, And if everyone were more like us What a wonderful world this would be.(Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Second Runner-Up: To "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General": We never disagree with anything our government might say, We work from 9 to 5 and watch the tube for the rest of the day. We function like automatons built to support society, And that is why our life's so hard to face in full sobriety. On Friday night we all get drunk, and Saturday, and Sunday, too, To give us strength to go back and restart the whole workweek anew. We're pegs who squeeze ourselves into the holes they've built to fit us in, We are the very model of a patriotic citizen. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) First Runner-Up, the winner of the industrial-strength bubble gum food flavoring, plus a list of all the entries for Week 561 from Russell Beland, Brendan Beary and Peter Metrinko: To "Be Our Guest": We're the best! We're the best! From Bombay to Budapest! If you dare to disagree, we'll place you under house arrest! We are strong! We are sure! Patriotic to the core. We're delighted and excited 'cause our states are all united! Stripes and stars! Stars and stripes! We will always be the types To know our destiny is manifest! So say it long and loudly, sing it strong and proudly, We're the best! We're the best! (It is France that we detest!) We're the best! We're the best! We're the best! (Barb Sarshik, McLean) And the winner of the Inker: To "Hello Muddah": Hello Daddy, hello Mommy, We're not Nazi, we're not commie. All the world thinks we're a bully. They don't seem to want to understand us fully. Hello Mommy, hello Daddy. Our great nation's not the baddie. Put an end to this idea: Give the finger to Iran and North Korea. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Honorable Mentions: To "Do-Re-Mi": Dough, a buck, the mighty buck. 'Ray! A cheer for U.S.A., Me, a fan of Uncle Sam, Far and near he leads the way. Sow the seeds of freedom wide, La-di-da, we run the show. Tee us off? You'd better hide! And that brings us back to dough (oh-oh-oh). (Chris Doyle) To the chorus of "You've Got a Friend": You can shop anytime in the Land of Liberty, The whole country, oh yeah, baby, is one big bazaar. Winter, spring, summer or fall, It's waiting for you at the mall. Crashed your hard drive? No need to worry: You've got a car. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) To "Frere Jacques": Our love of freedom, love of freedom You can't quench, you can't quench. Yes, this tune is stolen, but we're very glad that We're not French, we're not French. (Roy Ashley, Washington) To the Kit Kat jingle: Give me a break, a big tax break, Break me off a piece of that de-fi-cit. (Grover Norquist, Washington) (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) To "One" from "A Chorus Line": One superpower nation, Betcha Britain's sorry now One stunning Declaration, A Constitutional wow! Amendments to serve and protect you (unless you're gay) It's just so great to be here in the U.S.A.! One rough election season, Makes you want to flee the nest, But America is second best to none, son. Hang on! Don't move to Quebec yet, Quittez non! We're not quite a wreck yet, We're still the one! (Sara Simons, Washington) To the "Final Jeopardy" tune: Hail to thee, America! Costly health care, guns and few French-speakers. Income gaps that shock and awe, That's why we're not Canada. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) To "Yesterday": U.S.A., we're the best place in the world today If you harm us we will make you pay For God's behind the U.S.A. We are free, but not as free as we used to be Lost a bit of civil liberty But otherwise, we're all happy. (Eric Murphy, Chicago) To "I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover": I'm looking over your new Range Rover, Parked next to your Escalade, I've got a Hummer to take to the mall Over those speed bumps a full one-inch tall. This nation's a great place for wild horses Be they Vipers or SUVs, So we'll kiss the Saudis' royal assets Till cars run on batteries. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) To "Pinball Wizard": Ever since Columbus, we've landed on this shore. From Miami up to Bangor, the rich ones and the poor. And we just kept on coming, more and more and more, Now the U.S. of America sure fights a pretty mean war. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And last: To "Hey Ya": Now, fellas! (Hey ya!) Now what's cooler than cool? (Global domination!) I can't hear ya! I say what's, what's cooler than cool? (Global domination!) All right! (15x) (Kevin N. Mettinger, Warrenton) More Honorable Mentions appear on washingtonpost.com. We had more good suggested anthems than we had room for in the paper for Week 565 of The Style Invitational. Here are some more Honorable Mentions: To "If I Only Had a Brain": When the king imposed a tariff, he didn't even care if It was more than we could pay. Then the crates of tea were tossed into the harbor there in Boston, Which is why we're here today. When at first we faced the British, we felt a little skittish And longed to run away. But we fought hard and beat 'em, and we won the nation's freedom. That is why we're here today. (Barb Sarshik, McLean, Va.) To the "Green Acres" theme song: A-merica's the place to be, We don't want no monarchy! As for princes, we'll take none, We'll just elect another president's son. (Russell Beland, Springfield, Va.) To "Ding, Dong, the Witch Is Dead": Ding dong, We beat the Brits, Which old Brits? The sissy Brits! (Claire Tuley, Fairfax Station, Va.) To "Every Breath You Take": Every breath we take, every move we make, Every bond we break, every book we take, They'll be watching us. Every single day, every word we say, Every place we stay, 'Specially if you're gay, They'll be watching us. (Joseph Romm, Washington) To "YMCA": Young man, now we're being attacked. I said young man, you know it's a fact. I said young man, with the Patriot Act We can make you be unhappy . . . It's fun to live in the U. S. of A. It's fun to live in the U. S. of A. We have stress techniques to harass and annoy. We will jail every traitor boy. (Barb Sarshik, McLean) To "Jingle Bells": America, America, It's such a crazy place Super-size my curly fries Or get out of my face, America, America, We truly are obese, More cheese on my burger, please, One nation under grease. (Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.) To "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General": We came from England, France, Ukraine, Belize, Nepal, Ruthenia, From Norway, Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Belarus, Armenia, From Paraguay, Brazil, Japan, Taiwan, Siam, Algeria, From Niger, Chad, Benin, Tunisia, Togo and Siberia. (Dean N. Alterman, Portland, Ore.) To "Another Brick in the Wall": We don't need no League of Nations, no We don't need no Security Council veto Hey, Europe, leave U.S. alone. (Russell Beland) To "The Stars and Stripes Forever": The U.S. of A. is all right, We have lots of contented consumers, There's passable water to drink, And the mail's really not too slow, Our grocery store's open all night, And my HMO's thinking 'bout my tumors, We don't have to bother to think, And on Election Day I'll vote on Karl Rove's say-so. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) To the chorus of "You Raise Me Up": I have a house, and kids who are in college. I have a car, plus more than I can say. I thank the banks, for giving me the lev'rage, You raised me up, to more than I can pay. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) To "Home on the Range": Oh, give me a land where the mansions are grand And the 95-octane abounds, Where the cars are so wide they fit six side to side Even though we're all 300 pounds. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) To "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall": Ninety-nine bombs bursting up in the air, Ninety-nine bombs in the air. Rockets' red glare, our flag is still there, Ninety-eight bombs bursting up in the air . . . (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) To "You're the Top": We're the cop! We're the western marshal. We're the cop! We're the law, impartial . . . The world's a fearful place, a basket case, a flop. So who cares if we just shot 'em, we're the cop! (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) To "America" ("My Country 'Tis of Thee"): Our record sucks on race Pollution's in our face And we're obese. We like huge SUVs, We always aim to please, Though we do the antitheses, Like shoot for peace. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) To "409": Well, we beat the British and we beat their best, Glorious, glorious U.S.A. The Monroe Doctrine took care of the rest, Glorious, glorious U.S.A. So now we have our very own U.S.A. Glorious, glorious, glorious U.S., U.S.A., glorious U.S. . . . U.S.A. . . . glorious U.S. Our three-branch, bicameral, democratic U.S.A. (Russell Beland) To "You Can't Take That Away From Me": The words that Lincoln wrote In 1863, The way we get to vote. No, no! They can't take that away from me. The right to know the news, The right to disagree, To pray the way we choose, No, no! They can't take that away from me. (Barb Sarshik) To "Mambo No. 5": A little bit of lovely spacious skies, A little bit of amber waves of grain, A little bit of purple mountain range, A little bit above the fruited plain . . . (Gene Brown , Concord, Calif.) To "Do the Hokey Pokey": We have the will to win, We kick the British out, We take some more states in And we earn ourselves some clout. We say it's okey-dokey That we push the world around. That's what we're all about! (Eric Murphy, Chicago) To "The Way You Look Tonight": Someday when you're feeling low In Guantanamo, You will come to know That we don't love you 'Cause the way you look's not right. (Barb Sarshik and Leah Pike, McLean) To the "Blue Danube" Waltz: I love this land (America!) It's ever so grand (America!) I'll never bail out (America!) Although I may pout (America!) Just try it and see (America!) I'm sure you'll agree (America!) The ruling elite take a seat, and we cannot get them out. (Bill Spencer) To (duh) "Over There": Over there, over there, You don't like the U.S.A., we don't care. You don't have to tell us, we know you're jealous And unlike the French we change our underwear . . . (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) To "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover": . . . We'd like to help you in your struggle to be free. There must be fifty ways to cross our border: You just slip into Maine, Jane. Hide in the van, Stan. You don't need to be shy, Di. Just listen to me. Hop on the truck, Chuck. Pay a grand to the man and Just get to L.A., Ray And get yourself free. (Chris Doyle) To the theme from "The Flintstones": U.S.! We're the U.S.! With our famed Stone Age mentality. Hating is our bedrock As is raging inequality. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) To "If I Were a Rich Man": How I love my country I would never think to move away to any other land For it's true that English is the one Language that I understand. (Dean N. Alterman, Portland, Ore.) To "I Get a Kick Out of You": We get no thrill from champagne. Chic Frenchy wine sends no chill up our spine. So then why do aristocrats joke When we get a kick out of Coke? We never eat quiche Lorraine, Beef bourguignon makes us want to poupon. And the world always overreacts When we want to snack on Big Macs. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) ====================================================================== WEEK 570, published August 8, 2004 Week 570: Timeline Rhyme Lines Quayle the Veep sank fast and faster Once a tater spelled disaster. Wilbur Mills met his disgrace in The shallows of the Tidal Basin. Mayor Barry, at the Vista, Was set up by a vengeful sista. Mata Hari was the greatest of spies; She learned many secrets by using her thighs. This week's contest was suggested by Tom Ponton of Columbia, who lives on a street with such a silly name that it's amazing that any real estate is ever sold there. Tom recalls the rhymes he was taught as a schoolboy to remember historical events ("Back in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue"; "Spain's armada, once so great, was sunk in 1588") and figured that the Losers could produce a much more colorful chronicle of couplets about some historical event. Of course you can. Like all decent doggerel, they must rhyme well and be in good meter, or the Empress will imperiously sail them smack into the Dustbin of Invitational History. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins the CD "Yodeling the Classics," by Mary Schneider, "Australia's Queen of Yodeling," donated with glee by Peter Metrinko of Plymouth, Minn. This incredibly fabulous disc features such gems as a full-out yodel of the "William Tell" Overture, complete with full orchestra. We can pretty much guarantee you have never heard anything like it. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 16. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 566, in which we asked for Googlewhacks, two-word phrases that, when entered into the Google search engine, would produce one and only one Web site. The entries below were written three to four weeks ago, and some already have lost their one-hit-wonder status. Third runner-up: One-hundred-fourteenth dimension: The lowest dimension that fits the rules of this contest -- until The Post puts these results on its Web page. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second runner-up: Tautologous Googlewhacking: Googlewhacking that is tautologous. (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) First runner-up, the winner of the "Subliminal Persuasion" cassette tape to stop hair loss: Decimated triskaidekaphobia: Fear of the number 11.7. (Myra Snow, Clarksville) And the winner of the Inker: Tapioca natatoriums: One way to slow down Michael Phelps. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Honorable Mentions: Abecedary fuehrer: Leader of a sect that believes that the Aryans are the penultimate master race, second only to the Aborigines. (Danny Bravman, Potomac) Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious speechwriter: The staffer who convinced the president that "if you say it loud enough you'll always sound precocious." (Carolee Eubanks, San Marcos, Calif.) Vulcanized perambulator: A rubber baby buggy. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Homunculus telecommuter: The little man inside the Internet who delivers all the e-mail. (Liz Starin, New York) Bootylicious Catullus: A tarted-up college humanities course trying to attract today's students. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Heft assizer: The airline employee who determines if you have to buy two airline tickets for yourself. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) Whisperliner panic: The sudden doubt that air passing over its wings could ever hold up the plane you're on. (Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.) Iguanodon vacuuming: A liposuction procedure for very obese senior citizens. (Lee Gazlay, South Riding) Knievel halberds: The axes of Evel. (Chris Doyle) Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis tourette: A rare disease where you never know what's going to come out of your lungs next. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Hypodermic Zambonis: Botox injections. (Russell Beland) Minimum-security vichyssoise: The first in a line of practical recipes in next month's Martha Stewart Living. (Brendan Beary) Decontaminated lederhosen: What you pick up from the cleaners after an out-of-control "Sound of Music" karaoke session. (Jane Auerbach and David Eberlein, Los Angeles) Norge panjandrum: A refrigerator magnate. (Chris Doyle) Pleather scrapple: all the leftover parts of the pleather. (Mika Smith, Baltimore) Paleontological tref: Jurassic pork. (Danny Bravman) Clorox appreciativeness: Undyeing thanks. (Danny Bravman) Evangelicals stir-frying: Just a closer wok with Thee. (Chris Doyle) Nitwitted palindrome: Able was I ere I saw St. Helena. (Chris Doyle) Terpsichorean cooties: What really closed Studio 54. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) Scatologic Betelgeuse: The mess left behind when a star turns into a nova. (Axel Brinck, Montreal) Deviant broccoflower: At last, a vegetable even Mom tells you to avoid. (Jane Auerbach) Cucaracha kerfuffle: Legal slang for a common tenant-landlord dispute. (Brendan Beary) Braggartly coral: Boast reef. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Kerchoo waggles: The nose fidgets that precede a gigantic sneeze. (Richard Grantham, North Melbourne, Australia, and Chris Doyle) [This Googlewhack is an anagram of . . .] Excrements Suzette: Pancakes that taste like crepe. (Russell Beland) Gutless sumos: When you know the South Beach Diet has gone too far. (Peter Boice, Rockville) Granitic bialy: Rock and roll. (Liz Starin, New York) Sousaphone tribunals: A variation of tuba litigations. (Russell Beland) Pedestrial Exsanguination: Latest release for the PlayStation 2: Tagline: "Mow 'em Down on the Sidewalk!" Points earned are determined by pedestrian's mobility and social standing. (Michael Lyons, New Albany, Ohio) Figmental fjord: The gulf where Bush believes Saddam dumped those WMDs. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Defenestrational rock: The thing people who lived in glass houses wish they hadn't thrown. (Russell Beland) Schmick Cheney: President Bush's super-secret code name for the veep. (Brendan Beary) Triskaidekaphobic Broncos: Why Elway went for the two-point conversion after tying the game at 12. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Noiselessness sequoias: The answer to the tree-falling-in-the-woods conundrums. (Chris Doyle) ====================================================================== WEEK 571, published August 15, 2004 Week 571: A Tour de Fours TESH: kiteshoe: The sneaker that puts Air Jordans to shame. STHE: malisthenics: Ten more push-ups, just for spite. HETS: apathets: "whatever," "so," etc. In his first Style Invitational contest suggestion ever, Obsessive Invitationalist Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo., proposes a twist on a contest that ran occasionally in the erstwhile New York Magazine Competition, of which this column is a direct rip-off. Editor Mary Ann Madden offered up a game called Superghost, in which a "root" of four letters was supplied, and contestants had to create and define a word that included it. Chris suggests that we invite more variety by letting you arrange the four letters -- we'll be using T, H, E and S -- in any order before you make up the neologism (the letters must appear consecutively, however). First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a Defense Intelligence Agency coffee mug plus a bandanna with a picture of a stealth bomber on it. Drinking from the mug or wearing the bandanna makes you invisible. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 23. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. Report from Week 567, when we asked you to tell what these cartoons had to do with the presidential campaign. Many people described Cartoon C as a diagram of the spider holes hiding WMDs and/or Osama bin Laden under the Crawford ranch. Fourth runner-up: Cartoon A: Kerry will claim that the grass clippings spraying onto his legs merit another Purple Heart. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Third runner-up: Cartoon D: In a bold attempt to steal the thunder from Barack Obama's convention speech, Jack Ryan makes off with the party mascot. (Janice Eisen, Brookfield, Wis.) Second runner-up: Cartoon B: Despite his being shot, drugged, given electric shocks, and left in the bathtub for dead, the Republicans can't stop Vice President Rasputin from hitting the campaign trail. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) First runner-up, the winner of the "Impala Skin Bushpen": Cartoon A: Vying for the suburban vote, Bush and Kerry hold a "mow-off." After the initial photo op, however, Kerry's manservant Jacques is easily defeated by Bush's head gardener, Vicente. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls) And the winner of the Inker: Cartoon D: As the entire GOP convention floor went silent, Karl Rove began to regret hiring MTV to produce the "Let's Whip the Dems" video. (Josh Tucker, Kensington) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: Bush goes right, Kerry goes left, they both make a lot of noise, and neither one scratches the surface. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) The candidates diverge at the grass routes level. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Surprise winner Nader took the high road and found positions for both Kerry and Bush on the White House staff. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Each man tries to prove that he's the "lawn order" candidate. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Both candidates were poorly advised for their campaign stop in Motown. (Rick Powell, Springfield) Cartoon B: After a long day on the trail, Karl Rove unwinds in a soothing bath of hydrochloric acid. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Okay, who let the president play with the rubber pretzel bath toy? (John Ost, Alexandria) Cheney swims a dozen laps to prove to the press corps that he is fit to serve another term. (Jeff Brechlin) Cartoon C: Hoping to appeal to rural voters, Bush boasted of the time he spent on the farm as a kid. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Just because Bush didn't go to Vietnam doesn't mean he didn't have to battle the Viet Cong. Here, from the family archives, is a cross-section of ranch in Crawford circa 1969. (Carl Gerber, Annandale) This is clearly a hoax. The intent may be to let us know where the veep's "undisclosed location" really is, but this can't be the United States because everyone knows there are no more family farms in the United States. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) The Anagrammarian Party buys ads to point out that "ant farm" = "Mr. NAFTA," but fail to explain how that's in any way relevant. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) While they can find nothing on Kerry himself, or even his immediate family, Republicans discover there is dirt dug up on his ant. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In an ant farm, the ants work very hard and remain in the dark. This is a good metaphor for the current administration, except for the "work very hard." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cartoon D: Wesley Clark could never understand why his training as a cavalry officer got people so upset. (Elden Carnahan) If Cheney withdraws, many Republicans think former House whip Tom Delay would make an ideal dark-horse candidate, assuming there's nothing embarrassing in his closet. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Cartoon E: This is your brain listening to campaign ads. Any questions? What? Um, well, those are your Achilles tendons listening to campaign ads. Any questions? (Ned Bent) Kerry, out to show he's not a snooty elitist, goes to breakfast at Denny's, where he promptly orders un oeuf avec deux tranches fines des lardons fumés. (Chris Doyle) The legend under this campaign button reads: "He lied. People fried." (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Where's the beef? (Hamdi Akar, Broad Run) The fundraising breakfast for the American Jewish Committee went terribly wrong. (Thad Humphries, Warrenton) As we learned from 2000, it's not ovum till it's ovum. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) ====================================================================== WEEK 572, published August 22, 2004 Week 572: The Limerixicon In my youth, the church candles I'd light. To the pastor I was always polite. I looked solemn each minute But my heart wasn't in it. I was more of an acolyte lite. This week's contest salutes -- and perhaps joins in -- the bizarrely ambitious project of Chris J. Strolin of Belleville, Ill., to compile limericks featuring every last word in the dictionary. Chris has a Web site called OEDILF.com, which now officially stands for "The Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form." The OEDILF currently contains more than 600 limericks, by Chris (including the one above) and many other contributors -- but all the words he's included so far begin with aa-, ab-, ac- or ad-. (Chris is not a man in a rush; he fully expects the project to take generations.) For this contest, supply a limerick based on any word in the dictionary (except proper nouns) beginning with ai- through ar-. (Don't worry, there are hundreds of words to choose from even in a standard desktop dictionary.) The limerick can define the word, or simply illustrate its meaning. Losers who e-mail their entries will receive details on how to submit them to Chris's site as well. As always, the Empress is partial to exact rhymes and good meter; no, "now" does not rhyme with "renown"; "week" does not rhyme with "tweaks." The lighter the verse, the stricter the rules here. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins both an alligator-claw back scratcher, donated by Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax, and an alligator-head letter opener donated by somebody. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 30. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 19. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest was sent in by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village and also by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. The idea for this week's contest came from Seth Brown of North Adams, Mass. Report from Week 568, in which we asked for plays on book titles. The Empress specifically permitted groaner puns, and groaner puns are what you delivered, in enormous quantity and to a breathtaking extent -- breathtaking in the way that a kidney stone is breathtaking. Consider yourself warned. Fourth Runner-Up: What did Sophocles ask his suspiciously fat dog? Et a Puss, Rex? (Ken Gallant, Little Rock) Third Runner-Up: How's your wife's Spanish? Lame Is Her "Habla" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Second Runner-Up: Who was the model for the Mona Lisa? The Da Vinci Coed (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) First Runner-Up, the winner of a pair of shot glasses from the Hard Rock Cafe of Singapore: What's the definition of success for a crash test dummy? Vroom! The Belt Holds (Chris Doyle) And the winner of the Inker: Did you hear that the school system demanded a PC version of the Harper Lee novel? Tickle a Mockingbird. (Wayne Rodgers, Springfield) And a Library of Honorable Mentions: There's a new chain of fitness centers: Ab Salon, Ab Salon (Deb Parrish, Fairfax Station) What category did Mrs. Reagan get on celebrity trivia night? Nancy Drew Mysteries (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Who leads your list of supermodels? I, Claudia (Russell Beland, Springfield) What was Buckwheat's terse review of "Shrek"? Donkey Otay (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) What was the original title for "Gilligan's Island"? The Odd Asea (Joseph Romm, Washington) What's Joe Theismann's memoir called? QB VII (Greg Arnold, Herndon) E.B. White wrote three classic children's books, but his "Elements of Style" co-author, William Strunk Jr., wrote just one: Horton Hears a Whom. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) How did James Joyce tell off his critics? You Wussies. (Jonathan Kaye, Washington) What did the Bolsheviks call the proletariat, the bourgeoisie and the intelligentsia? The Three Moscow Tiers (Richard Lempert, Arlington) How did the famous Mr. Universe commute from Prince William County? Atlas Slugged. (Russell Beland, Springfield) When Dad's on the stump, Barbara's an alert listener. What's Jenna? One Sis Noddin' Off. (Chris Doyle) What do you get when you cut your finger while slicing your pastrami sandwich? The Scarlet Pumpernickel (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) What did the police use to take the Bobbitt member to the hospital? Peter Pan. (Jon Reiser) What command did the bloodthirsty king give to his jouster? Tenderize the Knight! (Deb Parrish) What do you get when you leave the top down on your Plymouth during a storm on the Puget? The Sound in the Fury. (Russ Beland) What's it called when your kid takes back the Elvis record you bought him? The Return of the King (Andrea Rowan, Potomac) What's that new Evel Knievel bio? Of Human Bandage. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Did you hear about the monks who've started working as dogcatchers? The Brothers Carry Mutts Off. (Joan M. Sieber, Alexandria) What does the Michelin guide to Massachusetts recommend? The Boss, Tony Inns. (Chris Doyle) What was your employee number at the Mustang Ranch? Crotch 22. (Russell Beland) What did Khrushchev say when he met Kennedy? I'm a K, You're a K (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) What did Monica call her autobiography? The Book of Job (Russell Beland) How do you cheer for someone who sits on his butt all day? Go, Ass-Callus! (Chris Doyle) What was even more upsetting than the hanging? The Executioner's Thong. (Chris Doyle; Tom Witte) What's the guide they're giving out to NBA players about groupies? How to Avoid Pro Bait (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) How did Alexandra ask Nicholas for a night of kinky sex? Wear the Wild Thing, Czar (Chris Doyle) And Last: What 1931 bestseller needs no smart-alecky setup? "Boners: Being a Collection of Schoolboy Wisdom, or Knowledge as It Is Sometimes Written." (Chris Doyle) ====================================================================== WEEK 573, published August 29, 2004 WEEK 573: Thine Ad Goest Here Thou anointest my head with Brylcreem; my Super Big Gulp runneth over. This week's contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Olney, who found on the Internet a "Product Placement Bible" (excerpted above) by Raphael Carter of Minneapolis. Surely there are plenty of biblical and other literary passages, poems, etc., that could similarly benefit from product placements. Have at it. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a ceramic toothbrush holder in the shape of a bathtub with an elephant sitting in it, deep in swirling ceramic water, brushing its ear with a ceramic brush, donated by Kevin Mellema of Falls Church. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 7. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by John O'Byrne of Dublin. Report from Week 569, in which Loser Eric Murphy of Chicago e-mailed us: "I just signed a lease for a new apartment with my girlfriend, and her grandparents are not especially keen on the idea. (1) What could I say to them to allay their fears? (2) If I were to propose to said girlfriend, what methods should I avoid? And (3) if the two of us made it all the way to the altar, what statements should I leave out of my wedding vows?" Along with hundreds of suggestions from total strangers, the Empress also received advice for Eric from Eric's own parents, Andrea and John Murphy (don't vow, "I will support you on my royalties from The Style Invitational"); Eric's own fiancee, Emily Leskinen (tell the grandparents, "It's really not a big deal -- I plan on living with all my girlfriends before marrying them"); and even Eric's own self (don't propose by saying, "If you say no, I'll just suggest another newspaper contest for ways to take my revenge"). Won't the Murphys' Thanksgiving dinner be delightful this year. Third Runner-Up: How to explain to her grandparents that you're living together: "This way I won't have to get her drunk anymore to get her to come home with me." (Greg Pearson, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: What not to include in the wedding vows: "Mother, may I?" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) First Runner-Up, the winner of the LP "Chevrolet Sings of Safe Driving and You": What not to say in the proposal: "Darling, there is no one else in the entire world better than you who would be interested in me." (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the Inker: How to explain to her grandparents that you're living together: "But you see, sharing a closet is the most convenient way for me to wear her clothing." (Mai Nguyen, Clinton) Honorable Mentions: What could I tell the grandparents? "Yeah, I know the saying about free milk, but I do plan on marrying your cow someday." (Brian Feldman, Chantilly) "Hey, it's not like I'm still doing her sister or nothing." (Russell Beland) "She'll be safe with me. I always sleep with a Beretta under my pillow." (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) "Let me put it in terms you can relate to: We're not living in sin, we're getting the Early Bird Special at the Conjugal Diner." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "The country is having trouble defining marriage. We're waiting for a clear definition." (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) "Hey, it's only temporary -- once my grad school tuition is all paid, I am just so out of there!" (Russell Beland) "If it'll make you feel any better, I'm still in my evaluation phase, and she's probably not going to make the cut. I'll keep you posted." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) "Don't worry, anything she's got I must have already contracted."(Russell Beland) Tell them that if they're truly concerned about what is going on in the apartment, they can pay $9.99 a month like everyone else and log on to www.ericmurphyandhishotgirlfriend.com. (Joseph Romm, Washington; Robin D. Grove, Chevy Chase) If I were to propose to said girlfriend, what methods should I avoid? Don't point to a mark you made on the bathroom scale and say, "Once you're this thin, will you marry me?" (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Don't surprise her by unrolling the toilet paper, writing "Will you marry me?" and rolling it back up. Trust me, this never works. (Russell Beland) Don't carve the proposal with a penknife into the underside of the toilet seat. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown; Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) And don't say any of these: "Honey! When you finish the dishes, bring me a beer and, uh, there's something I want to ask you about." (Larry Phillips, Falls Church) "Of course, asking you to spend the rest of your life with me is a formality. It's not like I'd ever let you get away, so don't even think about it." (Brendan Beary) "Can you please shake these pompoms and say 'Goooooo, Eric!"? I've always wanted to marry a cheerleader." (Seth Brown) "If my next question is 'Will you marry me?' will your answer to that question be the same as the answer to this question?" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "There's a gift certificate for $150 at Rings-R-Us waiting to be picked up. They do take plastic. Oh, and you'd better use your card, because mine's maxed out." (Elden Carnahan) If the two of us made it all the way to the altar, what statements should I leave out of my wedding vows? Don't proclaim, "I am Eric Murphy and I'm reporting for duty!" (John Deupree, Silver Spring) Leave out, "If there is anyone present who. . . ." Nowadays there's always some joker who wants to be the star of your wedding video. (Judith Cottrill, New York) When the preacher asks, "Will you love her, honor her, comfort her . . ." don't say, "Okay, no problem." (Chris Doyle) "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, in beauty." (Erika Reinfeld, Somerville, Mass.) "With this ring, I thee own." (Chris Doyle) "Till death do us part, restraining orders be damned . . ." (Brendan Beary) "Till death do us part, that is, assuming that the multiverse doesn't experience a splintering dimensional shift that puts us in separate universes. . . . I mean, I don't really see what I could do about that." (Scott Campisi) "For richer or for poorer, in totally hot and totally not . . ." (Elden Carnahan) "If, hypothetically speaking, I were to catch you fooling around with another woman, I would remain calm and understanding." (Seth Brown) "From this day forward, I will use my own makeup." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And Last: "And when we have grandchildren, I promise not to be a nosy buttinsky like some people we know." (Joseph Romm, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 574, published September 5, 2004 Week 574: Boor Us Silly Instead of placing fake dog vomit on Grandma's shawl, use the real stuff! This week's contest was suggested unwittingly by an occasional Loser who sent in this lone entry for the contest whose results appear below: "In the year two thousand four / We lost our Czar and got a whore." Intrigued by this unusual method of seeking a prize, the Empress e-mailed the entrant and asked what might have prompted it -- whether she had ever done anything to him to justify such a characterization. He wrote back: "It was just a joke. No offense intended." This week, come up with some other unwise attempts at humor -- ones likely either to backfire or to create other unpleasant consequences. Here's another example: To amuse your wife, buy a pair of panties one size smaller than hers, and leave it in the laundry basket. When she tries to put them on, she'll think she's getting fatter! Of course everything will be fine when she realizes they aren't hers, and you'll both get a big laugh out of it! First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins the book "Bad Hair," a collection of photos from those hilarious sample books in beauty salons, donated by Peter Owen of Arlington. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 13. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 570, in which we asked for rhyming couplets about historical events: Fourth Runner-Up: 1776: Though Jefferson professed all men are equal at creation, The only way he showed it was covert miscegenation. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Third Runner-Up: 1513: Ponce de Leon sought the Fountain of Youth, Looked near Miami -- not much of a sleuth. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Second Runner-Up: 1981: "I am in charge here," asserted Al Haig.(His grasp on the line of succession was vaig.) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) First Runner-Up, the winner of the CD "Yodeling the Classics": 1905: Freud's focus on sex left the people all stunned: It was clearly the sign of a Sig, Sig mund. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) And the winner of the Inker: 1925: Even though it's John T. Scopes whom they were really tryin', Darrow made a monkey out of William Jennings Bryan. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The annals of Honorable Mentions: 2697 B.C.: Let us recognize him to whom all Losers drink: Tien-Lcheu, the ancient inventor of ink. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) 480 B.C.: Invading Greece, the haughty Xerxes Looked around and sneered, "What jerks these!" (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) 399 B.C.: Socrates lived as a shaker and mover, Ended it all with the Hemlock Maneuver. (Chris Doyle) In 79, Mount Vesuvius flashes, Knocks those Pompeiians right on their ashes. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) 1219-21: The Mongol invasions left thousands to grieve. Too bad Genghis Khan didn't underachieve. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) 1300s: The Black Death once reigned, all buboes and pus, Reducing the people disgustingly thus. (Jane Auerbach) Chris Columbus sailed from Spain in 1492, But it was a lousy year in Spain to be a Jew. (Marleen May, Rockville) 1517: On the door Herr Luther nailed his 95 Theses, Rarely has the fan been hit by so much feces. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) 1519-22: Sailing all around the world, Magellan gained a day. It wasn't very useful, though: He died along the way. (Russell Beland) 1607: Smith was saved by Pocahontas Before she knew she didn't want us. (Barbara Holland, Bluemont, Va.) 1752, September 14, Followed the 2nd with nothing between. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis) 1776: When Adam Smith wrote "The Wealth of Nations," He couldn't well know about the Haitians. (Russell Beland) 1793: "Let them eat cake," huffed Marie Antoinette. "Merci," they replied, and then cut off her tête. (Chris Doyle) 1793-94: Robespierre's Reign of Terror was huge: The threat level rose from l'orange to le rouge. (Chris Doyle) 1861: Words were shot from North to South, but all was useless drivel. Only when the bullets flew would war be labeled "Civil." (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) 1864: Ulysses S. Grant brought the Union relief (But would stink up the place as commander in chief). (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) 1865: Abe Lincoln was shot on a fateful spring day. His wife never said what she thought of the play. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) 1876: Way back in the Centennial days, Samuel Tilden got Gored by Hayes. (Russell Beland) 1884, 1892: What most folks know of Grover is, he reached the White House twice, Though everybody knows one trip to Cleveland should suffice. (Brendan Beary) 1903: The Wrights first flew at Kitty Hawk. Their luggage wound up in New Yawk. (Brendan Beary) 1920-33: The 18th Amendment said, "Cut out the drinking!" The 21st said, "What the hell were we thinking?" (Brendan Beary) 1932: Hitler stopped the Germans feudin' By getting them to hate the Juden. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 1934: Dillinger's myth just grows: 'Twas not True he was hung; he just was shot. (Roy Ashley, Washington) In '38 Neville Chamberlain went to Munich, Had a nice chat and came home a eunuch. (Howard Walderman) The Dinofish is coelacanth, the one they thought extinct, Till one came up in '38, and looked at us and blinked. (Dave Prevar) 1943, 1969: JFK, he sank his boat and then became a star. His little brother missed the war and only sank a car. (Russell Beland) On Christmas Day in '68, John Kerry's map was out of date. (Katrina Gulliver, Sydny) After 9 August, '74, We couldn't kick Nixon around anymore. (John H. Sullivan, Long Beach, Calif.) In the White House Gerald Ford and Nelson Rockefeller landed. As prez and veep they were unique: unelected and left-handed. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) 1975: Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme tried to kill Gerald Ford, Never loaded the chamber -- was as smart as a board. (Jon Reiser) 1986: Remember Bill Buckner? His legs were a wicket. Bostonians told him just where he could stick it. (Jon Reiser) 1987: Next time Tawana Brawley cries rape, Al Sharpton'll ask for the videotape. (Howard Walderman) 1989: Collapse of the Eastern Bloc came to the rescue Of all those Romanians under Ceaucescu. (Brendan Beary) 1993: Clinton, Congress push through NAFTA: "Good for jobs"? I stifle lafta. (Brendan Beary) 1996: Monica's dress could have been like new, But she chose to keep the presidue. (Lee McBroom, Waldorf) When Election 2000 was finally done, Al Gore had the most votes and therefore he, oh, never mind. (Ernie Isenstadt, McLean) Dubya barely edged out Gore; The final vote was 5 to 4. (Brendan Beary) 2001: In 9/11 retribution, Ashcroft killed the Constitution. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) And Last: To England from Holland came William of Orange, Who, um, er, uh . . . (Danny Bravman) ====================================================================== WEEK 575, published September 12, 2004 Week 575: T Hee Hee This week's contests: We're running low on coveted Loser T-Shirts again. When we finally roused cartoonist Bob Staake out of his Cape Cod beach chair to tell him it was time for him to think of a new design, Bob decided, um, magnanimously that he would let you come up with new ideas for both front and back. Bob will choose the winning idea for the front from a list of finalists, and will then draw the cartoon. Winner gets Bob's original. The winning slogan or simple design for the back gets the Inker. The front needs to say "Loser" along with the picture. You don't have to draw anything; just tell us your idea. Pictured are the current model (center) and some previous versions. Runners-up all win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 20. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 571, in which we asked for neologisms containing the letters T, H, E and S, consecutively but in any order. It was so imaginative of 99 percent of all entrants to send in "THEStyleinvitational." This was a great contest. We'll do it again sometime, with another set of letters. Fourth Runner-Up: Gethsemoney: Thirty pieces of silver. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Third Runner-Up: Smahtest: From the only state that didn't vote for Nixon in '72. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) Second Runner-Up: Temple-shtemple: The chant some Jews say before tucking into their traditional Yom Kippur brunch. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) First Runner-Up, winner of the Defense Intelligence Agency coffee mug and stealth bomber bandanna: Whetstoned: Under the misperception that one's wits are sharpened by pot-smoking. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) And the winner of the Inker: Transvestheight: The distance between the jockstrap and the bra. (Frank Mullen, Aledo, Ill.) And here's THe Honorable Mention list: Bouillabaissetherapy: Fish soup for the soul. (Chris Doyle) Alphabeths: Queens Elizabeth I and II. (Walt Johnston, Woodstock, Md.) Arewethereyetshriek: A summer sound heard often on I-95. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Busthell: The place between the plates of the mammogram machine. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Westhamptonboroughminsterburginshire: A small village in England, pronounced "Wesher." (Chris Doyle) Porchestra: A bluegrass band.(Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk) Braphets: People who can guess your cup size (see also: Chestimators). (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Huhster: A president who leaves his audience with furrowed brow, as when saying, "I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." (Walt Johnston) Kashtent: Where you find the moneychanger at an Uzbek bazaar. (Chris Doyle) . Allrightest: Superlatively whatever. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Lushetero: A gay man who'll make a pass at a woman when he's drunk, then claim the next morning that he doesn't remember a thing. (Tom Witte) Suckotesh: A combination of lima beans, corn and pablum. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Prophetsharing: An interfaith service. (Chris Doyle) Sethwho: Response to the bartender's calling "Last round." (Judith Cottrill, New York) Cystheap: Why you don't want to look in those biohazard containers. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Fehtser: A wine critic. (Dan Seidman) Chesterdrawers: Overalls. (Chris Doyle) Horsethong: Nickname for XXXL underpants. (Mark Young, Washington) Stonesthrow: A unit of distance used in the Middle East. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Hesteria: A Vassar student's obsession with getting all A's. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Lushter: The gleam on a drunk's nose. (Dan Seidman) Wastehauteur: The corollary to conspicuous consumption: the snob appeal of how much one throws away. (Brendan Beary) Winchesterfield: A smoking gun. (Chris Doyle) Triumphsetback: A Pyrrhic victory. (Chris Doyle) Assthetes: The morons you try to drown out as they spew dilettante blather in art galleries and cinema lobbies. (Elisa Nichols, Kensington) Whosthegroom: A common question at some Massachusetts weddings. (Dave Komornik) Teshtosterone: A hormone that paradoxically deepens the voice but makes one seem wimpy. (Brendan Beary) Zygoteship: The Love Boat. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) Absinthespian: An actor who goes to Japan to appear in liquor commercials. (Mark Young) Frodosynthesis: The one-volume condensation of "The Lord of the Rings." (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) Hithest and Thithest: Middle English forms of "right here" and "right there." (Peter Metrinko) Loathescorn: A hate-hate relationship. (Chris Doyle) Thesauropod: An old-timer whose conversation plods along . . . in search of . . . the word that is most . . . efficacious. (Brendan Beary) Thespeein: The good ol' boys showing off on the shoulder as the relieve themselves in the glare of the headlights. (Dave Prevar) Thespeons: Extras. (Russell Beland) Kennethstarr: To harry a public figure for sexual indiscretions. (Chris Doyle) Thithes: People who are afraid of getting their front teeth knocked out. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Kithsex: Hey, what are friends for? (Chris Doyle) Nibletshead: An Iowan, to a Minnesotan. (Peter Metrinko) Reconditeshlocking: Trying to get ink with highbrow but lame Invitational entries. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) And Last: Hste: When there's just no time for spelling the whole word. (Eric Murphy, Chicago) ====================================================================== WEEK 576, published September 19, 2004 Week 576: Well, Excuuuuse Us! Being short: "That's just because I'm a twin. My brother stood on my head for nine months." Being stingy: "You see, I need to save all my money so that when I die, my estate can pay for a really lavish funeral, for the comfort of my many mourners." This week's contest was suggested jointly by Margaret Bechtel of Annandale and Russell Beland of The Pool Margaret Goes To. The idea is to come up with new excuses for any common human shortcoming or imperfection. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a board game named Loser, "for people who aren't afraid to laugh at their mistakes. And their friends." Donated by Erika Reinfeld of Somerville, Mass., who readily admits that it "seems pretty lame," it includes a stack of cards, each asking if the player has done some loserly thing (e.g., lost his wallet, failed to vote, "had a monster hickey you couldn't hide"). Runners-up all win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 27. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 572, in which we asked for limericks based on words beginning with ai- to ar-, to contribute to the very-long-term "Omnificient English Dictionary in Limerick Form" project. You can soon see many of the entries to this contest, in addition to the winners, at www.oedilf.com. They will no doubt include the several fine verses about the word "anus" that the Empress didn't even try to include here, because the Empress would like to remain an employee of The Washington Post Co. Fourth runner-up: To shoot with a bow with the best, Ancient maids cut off part of the chest. Now their mythical name Means a strong, warlike dame: An amazon (Greek for "no breast").(Louis Spector, Winnetka, Ill.) Third runner-up: Warmongers step up, take a bow, The world's in an unholy row. The big guns are booming And mushroom clouds looming. You've created apocalypse now. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) Second runner-up: Now these beetles are marvelous things, In the kingdom of bugs, they're the kings. This is true of them all Except ex-Beatle Paul, Who is apterous now -- without Wings. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) First runner-up, the winner of the alligator-claw back scratcher and alligator-head letter opener: When Reagan and Thatcher shared glory, The press back then missed their love story. Ronnie said she was hot, And believe it or not, Maggie said to him, "I, amatory." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And the winner of the Inker: It's in vain that the teenagers try All their algebra skills to apply. Though they can, on occasions, Solve x in equations, They still haven't figured out y. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Honorable Mentions: A sentence begins on a track But suddenly changes its tack. Let's put a sleuth on This anacoluthon And -- whoa, get a load of that rack! (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) There's a type of bird men used to hail As a burden that meant you would fail. It was called albatross, But with Bush Senior's loss, Some have said that it should be named quayle. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Just as baby gets bigger each day, So the grocery list grows the same way: It starts off with "Pampers &" Often that ampersand Leads to more money to pay. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Said the frog to the princess from Texas: "Would you care for amplexus, Alexis? Though I cannot convince You that I am a prince, Still frogs know how complex human sex is." (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) When the windflower wilts in Gethsemane And the weeds are regaining hegemony, The gardener will turn To the maidenhair fern, With a frond like this, who needs anemone? (Chris Doyle) His CDs are arranged A to Z And he numbers his clothes 1-2-3. Everything in his mind Is precisely aligned; He is anal-retentive, you see. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Now you know I won't slip you no jive, But that andalusite, man alive! There's no ifs, ands or buts -- I've completely gone nuts For this Al2SiO5! (Brendan Beary) Pythagoras, rod and reel dangling, Couldn't keep all his tackle from tangling. His plight he lamented Until he invented A theorem to simplify angling. (Tim Alborn, Washington) I ask what the deal with my toes is, The doc says it is ankylosis. But toes are in front! To be really blunt, This doc don't know ankles from noses. (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) Church and state are like light in a prism: Far more beautiful after the schism. Some take issue with this, And promote antidis- Establishmentarianism. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.; Seth Brown) You've got funny stuff right in your eye. You can't clean it out -- don't even try! It's just goo, not a tumor, Called the aqueous humor. (What a cornea jokester am I!) (Dave Zarrow) Lawyers' archives hold motions and pleas; Bankers' archives store records of fees. A Realtor's, deeds; A botanist's, seeds; Noah's ark-hives: just one pair of bees. (Paul Cowan, Greensborough, Australia) Archnemesis I'll bash in his bwains with a thud Then I'll bathe in his wascally bwud. Then you can constwue That I made bunny stew Or my name is not Elmer Q. Fudd. (Dan Nooter, Washington) With arithmetic clearly you see What the sum of two numbers will be. With logic it's rife (Unlike in real life, Where one and one tend to make three). (Chris J. Strolin, Belleville, Ill.) A fleet can be called an armada. The big one from Spain was tostada. The wind and the Brits Pounded Spain's into bits. It won a big zilch (which means nada). (John Held, Fairfax) Arrangement can be first to last, Or future, then present, then past. It's the order that matters: Left to right; formers, latters; Or sober, then tipsy, then gassed. (Hamdi Akar, Broad Run) That gray metal arsenic is best To bump off an unwanted pest. Whether rat, bird or mouse, Beetle, cricket or louse . . . Or welcome-outstaying houseguest. (Paul Cowan) More Honorable Mentions appear on washingtonpost.com. More Honorable Mentions From Week 572 The Washington Post Sunday, September 19, 2004 We had more good limericks than we had room for in the paper for Week 572 of The Style Invitational. Here are some more Honorable Mentions. Letter aitch, in some tongues, you can tell, Is pronounced not at all, or not well. By the Brits it is rated Their second most hated, Right after, of course, "bloody ell." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) With delusions phencyclidine hit me. Coulda sworn they were all out to git me. But I've learned to adjust When I'm on angel dust … Holy smokes! That big unicorn bit me! (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) air ball In basketball, any quintet I play for expresses regret. "What a jerk," they say, "this is!" As every shot misses The backboard, the rim and the net. (Chris J. Strolin, Belleville, Ill.) She had eyes of a glorious blue, She seemed strikingly elegant, too. But when I asked her out She shot back with a shout: "I ain't datin' no egghead like you!" (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Algophobia, let me explain, Is an abnormal fearing of pain Like when candy-asses Are fitted for glasses And insist that they need Novocain. (Chris J. Strolin) All your food and your drink and your beer Will end up coming out of your rear. What goes on in between We should just leave unseen: It is all alimentary, my dear. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Some males who are alpha appear To lead by derision and fear. There's Ashcroft and Donald And Dubya and Ahnold. We girlie men bring up the rear. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) "To be, or not to be." Damn! Is humanity merely a sham? Hamlet had the last word (And Popeye concurred): I am what I am what I am. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis) We're dashing when dressed in our camo, Our guns go off with a big whammo. We're stuck in Iraq With no turning back, So please keep on sending the ammo. (John Cushing, Arlington) Anabatic refers to the rush Of air lifting eagle or thrush Or that windy express Raising Marilyn's dress That made Joe DiMaggio blush. (Chris J. Strolin) Here's a sample example concrete: When a verse uses anapest feet, Then its syllables race At a furious pace With a vigorous galloping beat. (Louis Spector, Winnetka, Ill.) This sausage is smoky and chewy. Adds spice to a bland ratatouille. But it's made out of pork, So put down that fork. It's not kosher to nosh on andouille. (Chris Doyle) Saying "angiosperm," you have stated Of a plant, where its seeds are located. I should add, all the same, It recalls the nickname Of a girl that I formerly dated. (Brendan Beary) He thought her as fair as a willow And dreamed, as he lay on his pillow, Of young skin as tender As cream in a blender. But alas! 'Twas more like armadillo. (Susan Matson, Highstown, N.J.) Our beautiful anthem arose From our nation's great culture. It goes: "We shall cherish our peace And our joy will increase As we dance in the blood of our foes." (Virgil Keys, Mount Waverly, Australia) An aoudad – yeah, that's what I am And I've been once since I was a lamb. I'm a big-horny dud; All the ewes that I've wooed Call be baa baa baa Barbary ram. (Virgil Keys) Whatever. No interest is there, I have no opinion to share. Ho-hum, I suppose That my apathy shows. So what? Eh, I really don't care. (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) In the midst of all chaos, there's some Who are poised while the rest are struck dumb; While we're all going nuts With our thumbs up our butts, There's a few who can pull out aplomb. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Apnea In order to slow one's demise, Keep breathing while sleeping – it's wise. Should one be supposing One's snoring is closing One's airway, get checked 'fore one dies. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) "You'll never get me to the chapel If you never stop eating that scrapple," Said Eve to her Adam. "Get abs of macadam. Here, have some fresh fruit, eat an apple." (Roy Ashley, Washington) Said the governor, "Come here and see What it takes to be my appointee. Don't be a naysayer, Just be a team player: I'll play you and then you play with me." (Harvey Smith) Aqua vitae you should also keep handy, It's simply an old name for brandy. Whereas aqua fortis Will cause rigor mortis (Nitric acid: It's nowhere so dandy.) (Robert Hale, Bilston, England; Brendan Beary) You think of your nose as a beak? It juts out too far from your cheek? It's aquiline, dear, But don't come too near … I don't want to be stabbed by some freak! (Jim Mall, Chicago) A modern-day Little Miss Muffet Who made her own whey and could tuffet Wasn't frightened at all By bugs big or small. If she'd spy an arachnid, she'd sniff it. (Carole Lyons, Arlington) On vacation, he wrote from Manila: "I don't care for this place one scintilla. I detest the cuisine, And the whole Philippine Archipelago I've had my filla." (Brendan Beary) Oh, our sweet Cockney neighbor, Miss Carter, Thought that sex for love made a good barter. Or that's what we inferred Every night as we heard Her beseeching aloud, "Ardor! Ardor!" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Artificial: not natural or real, Like a flower that's made out of steel, Or pink nylon slacks Or that fruit made from wax Or McDonald's new hamburger meal. (Richard English, Reigate, England) ====================================================================== WEEK 577, published September 26, 2004 Week 577: Teledubbies Six Feet Udder: Animal Planet joins the makeover-show craze, with plastic surgeons doing an augmentation on a cow. The O'Really Factor: Noted skeptics dispute the rantings of TV hosts. This week's contest, suggested by Phyllis Reinhard of East Fallowfield, Pa.: Slightly change the title of a TV show, past or present, and describe it. (We're deliberately being vague on what "slightly" means, but an alteration of a single letter, as in the examples above, is often the cleverest.) First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a delightfully tacky table lamp whose shade is composed of glass strips featuring pictures of deer. Best of all, there seems to be no mechanism for turning on its three bulbs. There's no way that we will risk putting this invaluable item in the mail, so the prize will go to the highest-placing entrant who is willing to fetch it at the Post building downtown. (Please indicate said willingness on your entry.) Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 4. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Jon Reiser of Hilton, N.Y. Here's an odd idea, but a perversely intriguing one, pitched to the Empress all summer long by Russell Beland of Springfield: Why not, Russ suggests, print an occasional "Anti-Invitational" entry along with the regular results? By this he means an entry that would be directly opposite what was asked for in the contest. For example, for the "product placement" contest below, you could have sent in one that takes out the name of the product, e.g., "She said, son, you're gonna drive me to drinkin' if you don't stop driving that hot rod American luxury sedan." So all right, feel free to send in such entries if they seem to fit that week's contest. Some weeks, they just aren't going to work: How would you do an anti-limerick? Report from Week 573, in which we asked you to insert product placements into biblical and other literary passages. Invitational contests sometimes take a tack we hadn't had in mind; in this case a number of Losers gave us ad slogans that were takeoffs on some line from literature. But as long as the entries were funny, only a chronic complainer would object to such a variation -- and this week, even he sent in some ad slogans. Third runner-up: Kunta Kinte, you old African! I finally found you -- by using the Verizon Yellow Pages. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Second runner-up: Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a Q-tip for? (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) First runner-up, winner of the bathing-elephant ceramic toothbrush holder: And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the amazing Ginsu knife to slay his son, and the angel of the Lord called out, "But wait, there's more!" (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the Inker: Between the idea and the reality, between the motion and the act, there's Trojans{+T}{+M}. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) Honorable Mentions: And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, for there is good news: the Lord saveth a bunch of money on His car insurance by switching to Geico. (David Iscoe, Washington; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Because I could not stop for death, I went to Meineke. (Peter Metrinko) And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the Camel. And Rebekah said: "Lo, surely that was worth a mile's walk."(Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea in a beautiful pea-green boat, They took some honey, and plenty of money -- but they didn't take American Express. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) And when he that hath an issue is cleansed of his issue; then he shall number to himself seven days for his Tucks{reg} Pre-Moistened Pads, and shall be clean. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) The vice presidency isn't worth a pitcher of warm Mountain Dew. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If you prick us, do we not require a Band-Aid brand adhesive bandage? (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary Over yet another eerie puddle on the kitchen floor, Suddenly the door was rappin'. 'Twas the men with my new Tappan, Frost-free, ice-dispensin' Tappan. Buy Amana? Nevermore. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) His wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of Morton's; as it is said: When it raineth, it poureth. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) The lark's on the wing; the snail's on the thorn; God's in his heaven; and we're going to Disney World! (Chris J. Strolin, Belleville, Ill.) To dust thou shall return -- unless thou dost secure a weekly service plan with Merry Maids{+T}{+M}. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Let darkness and the shadow of death stain it; for behold, Wisk shall wash it away, yea, even the dirtiest rings. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk; Roy Ashley, Washington) Honor shall uphold the humble; but if that faileth, thou shouldst consider Viagra. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done. Thanks, Ex-Lax! (Russell Beland) Let me enlighten you and show you which way to go; let me offer counsel; my eye is on you. Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, or as the dummy who doth not watch "Dr. Phil's Primetime Special," tonight on CBS. (Jane Auerbach) At BASF, we didn't start the fire . . . (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) For oft when on my couch I lie In vacant or in pensive mood They flash upon that inward eye That is the bliss of solitude, And then my heart with pleasure fills And dances with the Prozac pills. (Dan Nooter, Washington) Ich bin ein Berlitzer. (Russell Beland) And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass . . . that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother; yet it was no match for Bounty paper towels . . . (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Oh the shark bites with his teeth, dear, And he keeps them Rembrandt white. Aris Light gloves wears old Macheath, dear, But they don't fit -- they're too tight. (Brendan Beary) The mystic chords of our memories' Stratocaster stretch from every battlefield and patriot grave . . . (Russell Beland) This is the way the world ends, With loud bangs from Patriot missiles made by Raytheon. (Roy Ashley) ====================================================================== WEEK 578, published October 3, 2004 Week 578: Ask Backwards The Plexiglass Ceiling Wynken and Blynken but not Nod Victoria's secret broccoli Only on Wednesdays and alternate Mondays The Coveted Loser Muffler Tom DePlay Fahrenheit 9.1 Bill Clinton's right ventricle Because she's not tall enough Cell phones that play the "Moonlight" Sonata A 1995 Ford Escort and a Rolex Oyster About as much as Alex Trebek's mustache. Back by Loserly demand after a 49-week absence, it's The Style Invitational's most perniciously recurring contest -- this is its 21st appearance -- but its first under the Empress. You are on "Jeopardy!" Above are the answers. Send us the questions to any or all of them. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins one of the most bizarre toys we have ever encountered: a beanbag donkey whose mouth consists of a large zipper, as if it is being gagged. Open this zipper and you pull out an empty shell of a fabric elephant, still attached to the mouth of the donkey. You're supposed to then shake all the beans into the elephant skin and transform it from a donkey into an elephant, à la Zell Miller. But we think it looks way cooler with just the elephant skin hanging out of the donkey's mouth. Or vice versa. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 11. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 31. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 574, in which we asked you to tell us some practical jokes that are likely to backfire. One common answer: Vote for Nader. A special Blind T-Shirt goes to Roy Ashley of Washington, who sent in a joke involving peanut butter and a toilet that was so disgusting, it grossed out . . . the Czar. Third runner-up: Send your husband to the bank with a wad of cash and a deposit slip after writing on one of the bills: "I have a gun. Don't panic. Just give me all the money." He'll be so puzzled about the teller's reaction until he's finally let in on the joke! (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk) Second runner-up: When a colleague shows up with a new hairstyle, stare concernedly at the person's head and ask, "Have you retained counsel?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) First runner-up, the winner of the book "Bad Hair": Load the kids in the car and tell them you're taking them to Disneyland. Sing Disney tunes along the way. Then drive them to an abandoned parking lot and tell them it has been shut down and demolished. Blame their Sunday school teacher. (Bird Waring, New York) And the winner of the Inker: If you're white and you're going on a first date with that cute African American co-worker, show up in blackface! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Honorable Mentions: Replace your friend's asthma inhaler contents with Silly String. Everybody gets a kick out of Silly String, and your friend will be laughing so hard, he'll be gasping for breath. (Brian Feldman, Chantilly) Use herbicide to spell your favorite teacher's name on the football field. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) When cooking for vegetarians, shape the tofu like the animal of your choice and impale it with a fork before serving. This way your guests know you're sympathetic to their cause. Bonus: Use herbs to garnish the face with a stricken expression. (Erika Reinfeld, Somerville, Mass.) Send your wife a clown-face ice cream sundae to cheer her up at work. Write a romantic poem on an oversize card: "Chocolate is brown, Cool Whip is white, I'm ready to jump your hot body tonight!' (Erika Reinfeld) Tip for the college-bound: Admissions boards are impressed by funny -- nay, humorous, jocular, waggish -- designs you can make on the SAT answer sheet (heh heh, "Number Two pencil"!). (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) Phone the Amish and ask them if their refrigerators are running. Get it? They don't even have refrigerators! (Russell Beland, Springfield) After removing your patient's mole, tell her, "You'll never believe what that mole really was" and hold up a dead cockroach with tweezers. After she comes to, she'll thank you. After all, laughter is the best medicine! (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; David Iscoe, Washington) For kids: Next time your dog throws up, put it in a baggie with some crumpled loose-leaf paper and bring it to school. Your teacher will howl with laughter when you tell her, "See? My dog really did eat my homework!" Then finally maybe you'll be the teacher's pet. (Jean Sorensen) During a funeral, where the minister asks those rhetorical questions like "Why do good people sometimes die young?" leap to your feet and squeal, "Oooooo, ooooo, I know, I know. Pick me!" (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) Instead of placing a tack in a teacher's chair, set up a dirty hypodermic needle. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Once a week or so, take in the seam a little around the fly of your husband's underwear. When you can't stand his ego anymore, tell him. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Go up to homeless people sleeping on the street and see if you can give them hickeys without waking them up! (Russell Beland)Once you and your wife are ready to make a baby, keep sneaking birth control pills into her orange juice every day. After three months of practically nonstop effort -- the activity increasing by the month as the desperation increases -- you can both have a big laugh and cancel her appointment with the fertility clinic. (Cynthia Simonson, Potomac) Send a coded message in a Style Invitational entry that threatens national security. Then call the FBI and CIA and let them know that more will follow unless your entry wins. (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.) Tell your wife, when she's not out working one of her three part-time retail jobs, that you've quit your own job so you can spend more time with her. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) For Halloween, give the kids two malted milk balls attached to a big Tootsie Roll. (Stephen Dudzik) At a wedding reception, make a toast to the groom for being a good sport and going through with the wedding even though they found out the bride wasn't pregnant after all. (Jefferson Baker, Odenton) When your toddler wants to push the button in the elevator, let him. As soon as he does so, scream, "Not that one! That's the one that makes the elevator blow up!" Little kids get so excited about getting to hear a big noise. (Tom Witte) When the female cop pulls you over for a Breathalyzer, say "Having me blow a little tube for a woman -- that's role reversal for ya!" (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) S'pose you've got these two blokes in your band, and one plays lefty. Right before the show, switch their guitars! Great stuff, this. (P. Best, Liverpool, England) (Steve Fahey, Kensington) On your daughter's eighth birthday, tell her that her biological parents will be arriving later in the day to take her back home. (Kyle Hendrickson) To break the tension at your child's next soccer game, bring a whistle and blow it just as the opposing team is about to score. The soccer moms will think it's hilarious. (Marleen May, Rockville) E-mail the executive editor of The Washington Post informing him that you have "tracked down the vermin that called the Empress of The Style Invitational a whore" and that, per her instructions, his two front teeth are in the mail. Then sit back and wait for your next ink. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) And Last: Send in a poem to The Style Invitational that says: In the year two thousand four / We lost our Czar and got a . . . wait, I'm not going to pull that one again. (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.) ====================================================================== WEEK 579, published October 10, 2004 Week 579: Another Brilliant Contest! Do Enter! Almost by chance, David envied Fabio's great heinie; I just kinda like mushy, normal ones. Honestly, I just keep licking my new open pustules. This week's contest, suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield, is one of those rare contest ideas that seem so obvious that it's amazing we haven't run it in any of the previous 578 weeks. But if anyone would know, it would be Russ, who spends way more time thinking about this contest than we do. Write us a sentence or phrase consisting of words beginning with consecutive letters of the alphabet, in the A-to-Z direction. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a Sharper Image "Aqua Frame," a plastic box in which some plastic fish "swim" around with aid of magnets. The box describes it as "dynamic entertainment" that offers "all the fun of an aquarium with none of the hassle." Kind of how paving your yard and painting it green delivers all the fun of a lawn with none of the hassle. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 18. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. The Aqua Frame was donated by Kevin Mellema of Falls Church. Postscript to Report from Week 574: Last week's brilliant First Runner-Up entry, for practical jokes that would backfire, was written by a celebrity -- the fabulously dark-witted Jack Handey of "Deep Thoughts" fame (we once ran a contest to imitate his work). Unfortunately, it was not submitted by the fabulous Mr. Handey. Report from Week 575, in which we solicited ideas for the new Loser T-Shirt for runners-up, to be drawn by Esteemed Cartoonist Bob Staake based on the idea of his choice. This year's model gets away from the botched-suicide-attempt theme of the past several Loser T-Shirts. The previous versions have prompted at least one regular Loser, a doctor, to alter the artwork before being seen wearing them, and successful Loser Jean Sorensen of Herndon to implore the Empress to, for once, instead make the new shirt "something witty, clever, dare I say it, subtle." Hey, Jean, even Ted Williams didn't bat .667. Design for the front: Third runner-up, winner of the current Loser shirt, since she doesn't have one yet, so what does it matter: Culpeper guy aiming a shotgun at the mosquito on his big toe. (Maggie Lawrence, Culpeper, Va.) Second runner-up, winner of a new Loser shirt, since he already has won 54 of the others: Graduates in caps and gowns are standing in line to receive diplomas. The Loser, in the center, is being handed a roll of toilet paper. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) First runner-up, winner of an old Loser shirt, since he refuses to wear his previous 69 shirts in public anyway: A guy in a suit of armor trying to go through airport security. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of Bob Staake's original drawing for this T-shirt (but not the shirt -- see, she didn't lose!): (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) [Shirt has "LOSER" across the top, "The Style Invitational, The Washington Post" below it, with an image of a shirt pocket, a pencil and two pens sticking out, and a dripping inkstain from one of the pens.] Slogan for the back: Second runner-up: Surely I Jested (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, W. Va.) First runner-up: If You Can Read This, I Came Close (Russell Beland) And the slogan for the new shirt, the winner of the Inker: The Style Invitational: Under New Mismanagement (Brendan Beary, Great Mills; Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: Half the Wit That's Fit to Print (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Attach Monkey Here (Russell Beland) If You Don't Get It, You've Got Company (Brendan Beary) Think This Is Bad, You Should See What the Winner Got! (Art Grinath) If You Can't See My Mirrors, I Can't See You (Marty McCullen) Open Other Side (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Wide Right Turns (Marty McCullen) They're With Stupid (with arrows pointing all different ways)(Russell Beland) Registered Textual Offender (Tom Witte) I couldn't make number one or number two for the whole week! (Russell Beland) If You Can Read This, I Put My Shirt on Backward Again (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) The Style Invitational: Gone With the Weekend (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) I Slept With the Empress for This? (Art Grinath) And Last: Curses, Doyled Again! (Russell Beland) ====================================================================== WEEK 580, published October 17, 2004 Week 580: United Nations Andorra + Kiribati = AnIbati, a country with entirely open borders. Norway + Botswana = NoWana, the country with daily siestas and a 12-hour workweek. Burkina Faso + Portugal = FasGal, a country with a very high birth rate. Lesotho + Morocco = LesMor, birthplace of the architect Ludwig Mies van der Rohe. This week's contest was suggested more or less by both Stephen Dudzik of Olney and John O'Byrne of Dublin: Combine the names of any two countries in the world and describe the new hybrid country. It's very easy to find two names to combine, which means that we will surely receive several thousand entries. So there's not a chance you'll be one of the 40 or so to get ink unless your new country has a very clever description, far superior to those above. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins, for once, an actually useful product: the Banana Guard, which is a banana-shaped hinged plastic container that is designed to protect your banana and keep it fresh and firm. It is bright pink and about 10 inches long, so it can be used with the longest banana. No more bruises! Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 25. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 576, when we asked for excuses or explanations for various human shortcomings. Yes, some of the entries below are excuses for misbehavior rather than for imperfections. While the Empress has no doubt been called a dog, she has never been called dogmatic. Third runner-up: Braggadocio: I've tried to get others to praise me, but so far, I'm still the best person for the job. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk) Second runner-up: Bad breath: I have my intake and outtake manifolds reversed. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First runner-up, winner of the board game named Loser: Lousy job: I didn't have the luxury of good grades in college. (Bill Armstrong, Dayton, Md.) And the winner of the Inker: Being skinny: I'm ribbed for your pleasure. (Erika Reinfeld, Somerville, Mass.) Honorable Mentions: Sycophancy: You're so clever and creative, I bet you could come up with a better excuse than I could. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Procrastination: Actually, I'm a severe workaholic, and I believe in deferred gratification. (David Iscoe, Washington) Dirty fingernails: People mistakenly thought I died last week, and I had to dig myself out of my own grave. Good thing they didn't go with cremation! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) This is the point where I tell you it doesn't matter why I have such a controlling personality, and then comes the part where you will forgive me and promise never to bring it up again. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Crooked, discolored teeth: I told you I'm descended from British nobility. (Bird Waring, New York) Unibrow: Yeah, well when the next ice age comes, guess whose nose will be slightly warmer? (Eric Murphy, Chicago) Inadequacy in bed: (1) No other women ever complained about me, and they should know -- they're all professionals. (Russell Beland, Springfield)(2) Babe, if it's too good, you'll fall in love with me -- and I don't want to hurt you. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Being patronizing: I do have reasons for being so condescending, but nothing you need to worry yourself about -- you just go on reading your funny little newspaper column. (Brendan Beary) Long nose hair and ear hair: I'm letting them grow so I can donate them to chemotherapy patients. (Kyle Hendrickson) Cellulite. Too many rattan chairs at the nudist colony. (Chuck Smith) Illiteracy: I don't want to be bamboozled by all the lies in the print media. (Eric Murphy) Not answering an RSVP: I don't speak French. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Voyeurism: Hey, I can't undress someone with my nose. (Chuck Smith) Not getting spouse an anniversary present: It's an election year and an Olympics year, and that's already too much excitement. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Being overly flirtatious: (1) I'm sorry it bothered you. Let me make it up to you in some special way. (Russell Beland) (2) My dear, I have had a lust for life -- and that's a long, long time. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Male shortcoming: It's been whittled away by overuse. (Chuck Smith) Baldness: (1) With this much testosterone, my follicles didn't stand a chance. (John Cushing, Arlington) (2) I come from a long line of monks. (Noah Meyerson, Washington) Body odor: Pardonnez-moi! (Russell Beland) Having a child out of wedlock: If it was good enough for Jesus's mom, then it's good enough for me. (Rich Mehrenberg, Manassas) Arrogance: You would be smug, too, if you were me. (Chuck Smith) Being a couch potato: It's not that I don't want to get up, but as Newton says, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." So every time I try to get up from the sofa, an equal and opposite reaction holds me firmly in place. You can't argue with the laws of physics, honey. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Being too hurried in bed: Gosh, honey, I just couldn't wait to get to the cuddling part. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Being broke: I'm waiting for my e-mail pen pal in Nigeria to send me my finder's fee. (Brian Feldman, Chantilly) Being a liar: I was abandoned at birth and raised by a pack of publicists. (Chuck Smith) Not being funny: What do you mean not being funny? I am funny! Look: booger weasel fart! Hahahaha! (Eric Murphy) Snoring: I do it to protect you, honey -- it keeps would-be burglars from thinking no one is home. (Kyle Hendrickson) Necrophilia: Oh, sure, like you have a live partner every single time. (Russell Beland) Having an unkempt lawn: We've been having some financial difficulties, so we had to eat the goat. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And Last: Forgive my tardiness. I waited because I was planning to write more entries, then the Cowboys/Skins game ran late. (An actual excuse, sent Tuesday morning, by Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) ====================================================================== WEEK 581, published October 24, 2004 Week 581: Evil Things in Store Dave Prevar of Annapolis wrote in to relate this "Loser Idea Moment": "I was looking for some over-the-counter back pain relief, and guess where the store stocked it? The bottom shelf, naturally. It took me a while just to get down there, and I hung on to a shelf to get back up. While I was down there, I even helped an older feller with his selection." This week's contest: Think of similarly evil or just plain stupid practices that the staff of a retail or other establishment might perpetrate. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a big yellow sponge sent to The Washington Post to promote "The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie," which we have no reason to believe will be any better made than this plain old sponge -- not even in the SpongeBob shape -- on which is printed, almost illegibly, the name of the movie and a little bit of the title character's face. Even the Empress feels a little bad about giving that crappy a prize, so she'll throw in an old Loser Pen. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 1. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. Report from Week 577, in which the Empress invited you to "alter slightly" any TV show title and describe the new version. Among the more than 2,200 entries were a number of good titles sent too often, such as "My Three Sins," "60 Minuets," "I Love Loosely," "The McLaughlin Grope," "Hogan's Herpes," "Fiends" and "The Pimple Life." Fourth runner-up: Goner Pyle, USMC: Sgt. Carter asks, Pvt. Pyle tells.(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Third runner-up: Onanza: Tales of a ranch with a lot of men and no women. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Second runner-up: Queer Eve for the Straight Guy: In this sitcom set in ancient times, the human race struggles to get going. Starring Barbara Eden. (Dan McCauley, Staunton, Va.) First runner-up, winner of the tacky deer lamp: Cuckoo Fran and Ollie: "Crossfire's" new matchup: Drescher vs. North. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) And the winner of the Inker: Mayorbarry, BFD: Despite repeated cancellations, the show keeps getting renewed. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: My So-Called Lift: Dissatisfied patients confront their plastic surgeons. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The Wimple Life: Paris and Nicole join a convent. Poverty, chastity, obedience -- wha? (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn; Will Cramer and Julie Thomas, Herndon) The Pan From Uncle: Newlyweds smile bravely as they open crappy wedding presents. (Judith Cottrill, New York) The Flaying Nun: Sister Bertrille is assigned to a class of gum-chewers and eraser-throwers. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) Rogaine's Heroes: Hair-raising adventures! (Russell Beland, Springfield) America's Most Wasted: "Dude, that dude just needs to chill, dude!" "Whoa, dude, you're right!" "Hey, dude, that's your picture there, dude!" "Whoa, dude, you're right!" (Dan Nooter, Washington) While You Were Cut: Teams perform surprise home renovations while the owners are undergoing surgery. (Chris Doyle) Bewatched: Cute attorney general has to just wiggle his nose to make the Bill of Rights disappear. (Jack Cackler) Family Freud: Not exactly the Huxtables. Only on HBO. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) The Newlywed Same: The civil union game show. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Big Bother: An audience is forced to sit through yet another bunch-of-people-stuck-in-a-house reality show. (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.) Antique Road Ho: A poignant drama about a broken-down hooker still working the street. (Russell Beland) The Fraidy Bunch: A family is constantly on guard against pollen, war, strangers, people who are too nice, identity theft and big dogs. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Cross Fire: The wacky Keystone Klan makes mischief in diverse neighborhoods. (Doug Pinkham, Oakton) Eighth Is Enough: The Wizards pursue their perennial quest to finish just high enough in their conference to make the playoffs. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The Six Million Dollar Can: A sitcom starting J. Lo. (Brendan Beary) Fit Albert: Newly svelte "Today" show weatherman Al Roker gives exercise tips. (Jeff Evan, Millsboro, Del.) The Family Gay: Each family has one. This week: the Cheneys from Washington, D.C.! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cups: From the producers of "Baywatch": Busty policewomen chase perps in slo-mo. (Chris J. Strolin, Belleville, Ill.) Different Strikes: National and American league umpires alternate in the World Series. (Richard Lempert, Arlington) Rather Knows Best: CBS's newest disaster show. (Judith Cottrill, Peter Metrinko) F--- Troop: On the campaign trail with Vice President Cheney and his entourage. (Thad Humphries, Warrenton) The Golden Girl: Bea Arthur attends three funerals. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) Bunsmoke: Watch the Olympic luge team in training! (Judith Cottrill) Have Gnu, Will Travel: Richard Boone roams the veldt fighting bad guys. (Richard Lempert) Gnats Landing: The joys of summer picnicking. (Peter Metrinko) Let's Fake a Deal: There's a goat behind Door Number 1, Number 2 and Number 3! (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) PeaceMaster Theatre: Scenes from the life of Jesus. (Jim Mall, Chicago) Tip Tuck: A peek into the lives (and G-strings) of drag queens working as exotic dancers. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Perky Mason: Life in the Ancient Order of Hibernians brightens up when Reese Witherspoon becomes its newest member. (Kyle Bonney, Fairfax) Petticoat Injunction: Real-life courtroom drama from sexual harassment cases. (Russell Beland) Magnum, P.I.G.: A private investigator chooses his caseload entirely by his chances of sleeping with his clients. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk) The Price Is Sight: Guess wrong and you give your corneas to a lucky member of our studio audience! (Kyle Bonney) American Bandstank: William Hung joins a rock group in this spinoff talent contest. (Judith Cottrill) The Honey Mooners: A "Nova" documentary on how bees communicate by wiggling their butts. (Richard Lempert) 6 Minutes: A new version of the newsmagazine with all unconfirmed allegations edited out. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) The Nopranos: It's Season 6. Who's left? (Judith Cottrill) Twin Geeks: Bill Gates and Ken Jennings talk software. (Jean Sorensen) 20-20: The hour-long final point in the Championship of Pong. (Dan Nooter) Homo Improvement: Straight eye for the queer guy. (Chris Doyle) Your Show of Showns: All reruns all the time. (John Held, Fairfax) The George W. Lopez Show: President Bush legally changes his name in a blatant grab for the Latino vote. (Duncan MacGregor, Grapevine, Tex.) BBC Smackdown! Alistair Cooke faces off against Sister Wendy in their long-awaited revenge match. (Jerry Ewing, Orlando) Wilt & Grace: The Playboy Channel brings you Part 1 of a 20,000-part series. Tomorrow: Wilt & Felicia. (Pam Sweeney) They're ruthless and they're greedy, Tyrannically Tikriti, Their spider holes are seedy, The Saddam Family! (Brendan Beary) He's creepy and we do say, Like sons Uday and Qusay, A danger to the U-SA, The Saddam Family! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And Last: Meet the 'Press: The editor of The Style Invitational discourses on wordplay, meter, tacky promotional items and poop. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) ====================================================================== WEEK 582, published October 31, 2004 Week 582: Perversery Rhymes This week's contest, suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield, who nevertheless is the father of young children: Update a nursery rhyme or children's song with an edgier text. And yes, there are similar rhymes on the Web. We see them. Don't send them to us. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a large souvenir plate depicting the many historic sights of the Town of Brunswick, N.Y. In the center is presumably the town coat of arms, which consists of an elaborate number 4. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 8. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 28. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 578, in which you were asked to supply questions to "Jeopardy!"-type answers: Third runner-up: Victoria's secret broccoli: What vegetable always has its florets airbrushed out of the picture? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Second runner-up: Wynken and Blynken but not Nod: What would be cute names for the children of Mandy Patinkin? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) First Runner-Up, winner of the beanbag donkey/elephant: Bill Clinton's right ventricle: What, besides the Florida elections office, worked just well enough to prevent a Gore presidency? (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the Inker: Only on Wednesdays and alternate Mondays: What song finally became a hit when they changed the title to "Never on Sunday"? (Robert N. Levin, Rockville) Honorable Mentions: The Plexiglass Ceiling What did corporate America come up with to address the problem of "the glass ceiling" for female executives? (Wayne Rodgers, Fairfax Station; Jefferson Baker, Odenton) What do they call the NHL salary cap? (Jason Mott, Waldorf) What did Mrs. Braddock hit after learning that Benjamin did not invest in Dow Chemical after all? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) What continues to frustrate Shamu's sister? (Marc Leibert and Mike Denyszyn, New York) Wynken and Blynken but not Nod What actions do womyn find offensive? (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Which communities are west of Eden?(Howard Walderman, Columbia) Victoria's secret broccoli What 150-year-old family recipe accounts for Queen Elizabeth's continued vigor but extremely pinched expression? (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) What vegetable is loaded with Vitamins A, B, C, D and DD? (Tom Witte) What did Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Rodan and Diva Zappa beg their dad not to name the new baby? (Jerry Ewing, Orlando) What gets a rise out of your husband's jolly green giant? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) What was the original title of "The Crying Game"? (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Only on Wednesdays and alternate Mondays When does John Kerry think that going into Iraq was the right decision? (Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Bethesda) According to the deal with Orioles owner Peter Angelos, how often will the D.C. team be playing at home? (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) "For greater convenience," when has my bank decided to be open? (Seth Brown) What are the release dates for a Paris Hilton sex tape? (Reginald Jackson, Forestville) What is an example of 24/11/2 ? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Coveted Loser Muffler What is a crumpled Loser T-shirt stuffed into a tailpipe? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) What prize could Isadora Duncan have lived without? (Veggo Larsen, Charlottesville) What is the next best thing after thy neighbor's ass? (Cecil J. Clark, Arlington) Fahrenheit 9.1 What is the temperature of Michael Moore's butt after the Secret Service strip-searches him in Flint on Election Day? (Joseph Romm, Washington) When Karl Rove has a fever, at what temperature does it peak? (Chuck Smith) What German actor recently replaced "Ricardo 8 1/2" as the world's highest-paid porn star? (Jerry Ewing; Stephen Dudzik) What is the name of the new documentary exposing the incompetence of the Olympic gymnastics judges? (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville; Pam Sweeney, Germantown) What's showing on a double bill with "The Passion of the Chris"? (Mark Young, Washington) Math question: If the Wizards have won 67 regular-season games and four straight playoff series to claim the NBA Championship, what is the temperature in Hell? (Brendan Beary) What movie was released internationally as "Celsius -12.72"? (Russell Beland) Bill Clinton's right ventricle What's the only "blue-blooded" part of our 42nd president? (Steve Fahey, Kensington) What was Monica Lewinsky's favorite part of the president's throbbing organ? (Danny Bravman, St. Louis) What kind of chamber is second dearest to Bill Clinton's heart? (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) What did Hillary threaten to tear out after she learned about Monica? Oh, wait, you said VENTRicle . . . (Andrea Kelly) What did Ken Starr want to mount on his wall, right next to the elk head? (Robert N. Levin; Rich Hoyland, Wellesley, Mass.) What's the only context in which Bill O'Reilly would say, "Bill Clinton's right . . ."? (Brendan Beary) What's the new nickname for the Holland Tunnel at rush hour? (Judith Cottrill, New York) What circulated THC, but didn't pump it into his bloodstream? (Marc Leibert) Because she's not tall enough How did Jessica Simpson explain why she flunked higher math? (Steve Fahey) Why can't a woman be president? (Jerry Ewing) What's the real reason Ruth Bader Ginsburg chose the law over a career in beach volleyball? (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Why did Kobe Bryant's lawyer feel uncomfortable hugging him after the charges were dropped? (Tom Boyle, Laurel) Cell phones that play the "Moonlight" Sonata What aren't as annoying as cell phones that play babies crying? (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) What really caused Beethoven to roll over? (Jack Cackler, Falls Church; Ken Gallant, Little Rock; Judith Cottrill) What will President Bush propose to replace grants from the National Endowment for the Arts? (Howard Walderman) What is going to be the cause of the next Metro-related homicide? I'm not kidding, people. (Mark Young) A 1995 Ford Escort and a Rolex Oyster What's even cooler than a 1994 Ford Escort and a Rolex Oyster? (Ezra Deutsch-Feldman) What tipped off the DEA agent that the guy driving in from Mexico might be hauling drugs? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Name two expensive things that, nine years ago, made Gerald Ford very, very happy. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Stephen Dudzik) If you used inanimate items to describe Bush's and Kerry's speaking styles in the first debate, which two would they be? (Becky Mejia, North Potomac) What is left of Mike Tyson's estate? (G. Smith, Reston) About as much as Alex Trebek's mustache How much hair does Sam Donaldson really have? (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) How much will Ken Jennings have after the income tax kicks in? (Tom Smilack, Vienna) How much WMD material was found by inspectors after the Iraq invasion? (Pat Tansey, Vienna) How effective is a shoe brush to scrape grime from a toilet bowl? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) ====================================================================== WEEK 583, published November 7, 2004 Week 583: Mess With Our Heads Surprising Ally Joins Landfill Quest Diminutive attorney Ally McBeal made an unannounced visit yesterday to the Boston dump, where she helped search for the remains of her TV stardom . . . Intrepid Loser Roy Ashley wrote to marvel at a recent Washington Post headline: "With Affection's Kick Leaves Field Behind." Roy eventually figured out that With Affection was the name of a racehorse. Which reminds the Empress that it's time again for a contest we've run several times with great success. This Week's Contest: Take any headline, verbatim, from The Washington Post or its Web site from today through next Sunday, and reinterpret it by writing either a "bank headline" -- or subtitle -- or the first sentence of an article that changes the original meaning entirely. Please include the date and page number of the headline you're citing from the paper; for Web articles, give the date and copy a sentence or two of the story so it's clear what the original was about. Headlines in advertisements can be used, too; photo captions can't, nor can subheads within an article. The headline reinterpreted in the cartoon is from the Nov. 1 Metro section; the actual bank head that accompanied it read, "Thwarted Developer Would Make Indian Tribe Owner of Arundel Site." Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a gaudily painted genuine large coconut, complete with sloshing milk inside. It is promoting some TV show set in some tropical locale, for which some network spent untold amounts of money and effort to ship to The Washington Post in an effort to gain publicity. So everybody make sure to watch that show, whatever it is. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 15. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 579, in which we asked for sentences whose words began with consecutive letters of the alphabet. A huge percentage of the contestants decided to include at least one entry featuring words beginning with all 26 letters (and some going around the alphabet a second time). Though many of these were amusing, reading them en masse felt like, well, a long sentence. (The Empress never wants to see the word "xenophobic" again.) So she will, for the most part, grant readers parole. Note: These entries were written, and judged, before the election. No points were deducted for inaccurate predictions or for simply backing the losing side. Third runner-up: Mellow, nonchalant, oblivious, Pompeii quietly rests, satisfied; totally unheeded, Vesuvius waits. (Marvin Solberg, Edgewater) Second runner-up: Bill Clinton did everyone: Frenchwomen, Golda, Hillary, Ingemar Johansson, Kofi, Lorena, Monica, Nomar, Oprah, poor Quayle, Rambo, Schenectady Township, Uma, Vladimir, Wenceslas X, Young Zionists and . . . (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) First runner-up, winner of the Aqua Frame fake aquarium: A badly coiffed Donald egomaniacally fired God. (Mary Lou French, Eveleth, Minn.) And the winner of the Inker: John Kerry loves money -- new, old, printed, quartered, recounted, stacked . . . Teresa's. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Honorable Mentions: "Look, my naughty ol' pal's quickly revived," said Tom upstandingly. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) After bombing cities daily, especially Fallujah, George hastens Iraqi jihad, killing lamentably many, needlessly obstructing peace, quashing rebellion stingingly, trivializing unfamiliar values with xenophobic yahooism. (Ted Einstein, Silver Spring) John Kerry leaves me no optimism -- persistent questioning really stymies that underdog: Vote W! (Teri Chism, Winchester, Va.) No one of presidential quality running, sadly. (Shirley Grossman, McLean) Condoleezza didn't even flinch giving her Iraq justifications; kept listing mysterious nuclear objects, particularly quoting "really scary tubes" -- ultimate violent weapons. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Acromegaly biometricians conclusively demonstrated excessive foreign growth hormone in John Kerry's Lenoesque mandible. (Steve Fahey, MD, Kensington) Osama promises Qaeda recruits seventy-two tantalizing, undulating virgins. (Chris Doyle) Reverend Spooner's tocabulary's unusually vaxing. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Jim's kind lover may notice open pants, quickly requiring subtlety, tact; Ursula virtuously whispers, "XYZ." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Redskins should take up volleyball. (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.) Breasts can distract excitable fellows: Great hooters, impressive jugs, knockers like melons, "noble orbs" promote questionable reasoning. (Deb Parrish, Fairfax Station) Reluctant, señor, to unshoe voluntarily? We'll X-ray your zapatos, amigo. (Stephen Ettinger, Chevy Chase) Is John Kerry looking more neutral, or pulling quietly right so the undecided voters will "X"? (Karl Reed, Fairfax) Art Buchwald's columns don't excite feelings; gentle humor is just kinda lame -- makes nodding off plausible; quite revered, sure, though ultimately vapid wasteland. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Another Bush-Cheney dictatorship eventually fosters good, high-income jobs: killing liberals. (Joe Neff, Oreland, Pa.) Awesomely beautiful Cameron Diaz, Exceedingly fabulous, Gleefully has Insatiability: Jubilant, kinky, Libidinous, multiple Naughty orgas . . . (Chris Doyle) And Last: A bygone Czar didn't ever flub giving humor ink.* *Just kidding! Like most nabobs, Old Poopyhead quite regularly screwed things up very well. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 584, published November 14, 2004 Week 584: Deliver Us a Post The new presidential term will undoubtedly bring about some shakeups in the federal bureaucracy, especially with the new post of national intelligence director. Loser Seth Brown of North Adams, Mass., suggests coming up with some new Cabinet or other positions that the president could establish, and describe the job responsibilities. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a genuine souvenir from Transylvania, brought back by Elden Carnahan of Laurel and donated to The Invitational: a little cylindrical wooden soldier, painted green and wearing what looks like a large goblet on his head. Around his body is a sort of spool that, when you lift it, also lifts up a certain, disproportionately large part of the soldier. It gives a whole new meaning to the moniker Vlad the Impaler. Please, 10-year-olds, don't come in second place in the contest this week. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 22. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 580, in which we asked you to combine the names of two countries and describe the hybrid land. Among the 1,300-plus entries, BRAzil and BurUNDI and HUNGary, among others, were used in too many names to count. Some Losers decided "two" meant "a long string of"; the best of their efforts were "Iraq + England + Chad + Ireland = Raqengchair, a country where everyone takes it easy" (Eric Murphy, Chicago) and "Israel + U.S. + El Salvador + Pakistan + Yugoslavia + Spain + Myanmar + Barbados + Libya = Is-U.S.-Or-Is-Yu-Ain-My-Ba-by, a country whose flag is in all the shades of blues" (Jack Cackler, Falls Church). A special blind T-shirt goes to Harvey Smith of McLean, who combined Central African Republic with Burkina Faso to produce a two-word country with a doubly unprintable name. Third Runner-Up: India + Malawi = Inlaw, the world's least favorite honeymoon destination. (Robin Diallo, New Delhi) Second Runner-Up: Vatican City + Suriname = Vatsuriname, where they haf veys to make you talk. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) First Runner-Up, the winner of the Banana Guard: Madagascar + Libya = Madlib, the [adjective][noun] in the world. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of the Inker: Netherlands + Fiji = Netheriji: I don't know much about it; I've been warned since age 12 not to play with Netherijians. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) A Gazetteer of Honorable Mentions: Isle of Man + Romania = Isle of Mania, a fractious country led by evil princes Klepto, Pyro and Megalo. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Solomon Islands + Brazil: Solobra: Land of the Amazons. (Bob Hale, Bilston, England) America + Norway = Amway, whose pyramid-building far surpasses Egypt's. (Christina Courtney, Ocean City, Md.; Richard Slavik, California, Md.) Uzbekistan + Myanmar = Kismy, a perennially belligerent nation, often in disputes with NyaNya (Kenya + Chechnya) (Fred Souk, Reston; Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Costa Rica + Grenada = Costa Nada, the land of the free. (Richard Wong, Derwood) Spain + Italy = Spitaly, where the first three rows in the National Opera come with complimentary ponchos. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Curacao + Dahomey = Curdaho, major exporter of penicillin. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Botswana + Kuwait = Botwait, corporate headquarters of Ginsu International and Ronco Worldwide. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) China + Angola = Chinola, which some folks can't tell from Chad + Italy. (Kyle Bonney, Fairfax) Oman + Bolivia = Oblivia, the land that time -- and everyone -- forgot. (Russell Beland) Bechuanaland + Samoa = Bechuanasamoa, where everyone weighs 300 pounds. (Steve Fahey) Bahrain + Azerbaijan = Bahbai, flight attendants' favorite vacation destination. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) St. Lucia + Comoros Islands = Stcom, a tropical paradise: No matter what you do, it will all turn out okay in the end. (Erica Reinfeld, Somerville, Mass.) Singapore + Northern Ireland = Singaporno, the largest exporter of X-rated musical videos, including "Damp Yankees," "Lay Miserables" and "Beauty and the Bestiality." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Sudan + Honduras = SuUras, a miserable place inhabited entirely by lawyers. (Steve Fahey) Cambodia + Cameroon = Dual Cam, a country whose government has a notoriously high overhead. (Russell Beland) Mozambique + Barbados = Mozbar, where Homer, Barney and his friends escape to. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Thailand + Cayman = Hyman, a country that, despite great pressure from its many friends and partners, has remained intact. (Russell Beland) Falkland Islands + Virgin Islands = Island Islands. Why, what did you think I was going to come up with? (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Brazil + Sierra Leone = Brasierra, home of the famous Twin Peaks. (Edward Roeder, Washington) Germany + Guyana = Germanguy, the country with the world's smallest population. (Jerry Ewing, Orlando) Morocco + Dominica = Moronica, a confederacy of dunces. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Yugoslavia + Singapore = Yugosingapore, where there's a karaoke bar on every corner. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Brunei + El Salvador = BrunEl, a nation whose army has no offensive capability. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Ghana + Algeria = Ghaneria, where the whole country is under quarantine; informally known as Clapland. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia; Chris Doyle) Uganda + Iraq = Uraq, where always is heard an encouraging word. (Elizabeth Chan, Fairfax Station) Norway + Sri Lanka = Wayanka: Explorers have long known about this island, but never stayed around to settle it. (Brendan Beary) Tuvalu + Sudan = Tudalu, a country whose people leave as soon as they can. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Fiji + Haiti = Fijiti, the land with the highest per capita caffeine consumption. (Brendan Beary) South Korea + Tuvalu = KorValu, a country that knows where its priorities lie. (Eric Murphy, Chicago) Algeria + Egypt = Algypt, formerly known as Florida. (Peter Ostrander, Rockville) Spain + Bermuda = Spainuda, a country with no unwanted pets. (Karen Bock-Losee, Washington; Brendan Beary) Uruguay + Costa Rica = Urica: It's customary in this country to run naked through town after bathing. (Brendan Beary) Grand Duchy of Luxembourg + Andorra = Duchdor, a semi-open country. (Russell Beland) Djibouti + Madagascar = Boutigas, a country whose principal crop is beans. (George Vary, Bethesda) Albania + Lebanon = Alanon, the world's driest country, consisting of 12 steppes. (Stephen Dudzik; Brendan Beary) Dubai + Kenya = Dubya, where even the natives can't speak the language. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) Nauru + Madagascar = Nascar, ruled by a regime that always turns toward the left. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Slovakia + Poland = Slopokia, the country that's never qualified for the Olympics. (Chris Doyle) Russia + Rumania = RuRu: Not the sort of place you want to visit. (RuRu Beland) Marshall Islands + Sweden + France = Shallwedance, a romantic getaway. (Jane Auerbach) Bosnia + Oman + India = Bozomandias: I met a traveler from this made-up land / Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone / Stand in the desert, balanced in the sand / In clown shoes of proportions overblown . . . (Brendan Beary) ====================================================================== WEEK 585, published November 21, 2004 Week 585: It's Parody Time O Condi, you're faithful, loyal to your gov'ment, Now go mark our territ'ry around the world ...(To "O Come, All Ye Faithful") The results for this week's contest will appear during Christmas week, so let us offer, in the holiday spirit of goodwill, some advice -- as constructive and unifying as Loserly suggestions always are -- to our nation's leaders (or the loyal opposition) as we prepare for the next four years. This advice will be set to the tune of some winter holiday song, either religious or secular. It will not be stolen, Grinchlike, from other parodies of Christmas carols. Versions of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" are subject to combination with other people's entries. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a large wall-hanging craft- type item depicting a rabbit wearing a straw picture hat. But, see, the rabbit itself is made out of another straw picture hat. You could hang this on your front door, wreath-style. Of course, you could also hang up six dead fish on your front door, wreath-style. Who are we to say what you should put on your front door? Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 29. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Scott Campisi of Wake Village, Tex. Special Announcement: The Honorable Mentions for this week's contest -- and possibly last week's, depending on our remaining stock -- will each receive one of the All-New Loser Magnets pictured here. Well, okay, they're not technically All-New. They feature the same pictures by Bob Staake as the All-Old Loser Magnets, just in different colors (and a new little crown on the little lady, there). But they do have All-New slogans, which the Empress lifted from the ranks of losing entries for Week 536 (for the back of the Inker) and Week 575 (for the back of the Loser T-Shirt), respectively. Report from Week 581, in which we asked you to think of evil or stupid practices that a business might perpetrate. About half of you took this as an opportunity to vent hair-tearingly about actual insanities you've witnessed, including the ever-popular waiting on hold with tech support because you can't connect to the Internet, and hearing a repeated recording directing you to a Web site; and numerous sightings of drive-through bank lanes that featured Braille keypads. The remainder were fanciful -- at least as far as we know: The Empress cannot guarantee that there isn't some sign on some bus somewhere that says, "Illiterate? For help, write to . . ." Third runner-up: True story: I once went to an Italian restaurant where the restrooms were marked Donne and Uomini. I figured that donne was the plural of don, and so . . . (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.) Second runner-up: Peep shows that won't start when you put the money in because "I think you know why." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First runner-up, the winner of the SpongeBob SquarePants sponge, plus a Loser pen: Replace the candy in the checkout lane with kittens and puppies. (Stanley Halbert, Lawrence, Kan.) And the winner of the Inker: "Due to the increase in Metro ridership, all commuters will now be required to make reservations at least 24 hours in advance. Please arrive at the station at least 30 minutes before scheduled departure to receive your seating/standing assignment." (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Honorable Mentions: IMAGINED EVILS Installing automobile GPS devices that give directions in a choice of two voices -- Porky Pig and Betty Boop. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) A large scale in a restaurant with an arrow pointing to a mark that says, "You must weigh less than this to order the Triple Death by Chocolate dessert." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Certain confessional booths designated for only mortal sins. (Chuck Smith) Furniture stores institute a "you sit, you buy" policy. (Eric Murphy, Chicago) Restaurants suggest a tip of 5-pi percent. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Danny Bravman, St. Louis) "If you are deaf, press 1 . . ." (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) Sell each produce item in a different novel way. Grapes: 4 cents each. Coconuts: $7.23 per cubic decimeter. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Along with the Levitra prescription, include condoms with wrappers that take four hours to open. (Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.) Emergency number is 1-800-271-8684; Press 1 for medical emergency, Press 2 for fire . . . For an electrical fire, press 1; for burning wood, press 2 . . . (Art Grinath) Encourage people to pay for debt consolidation services with a credit card. (Art Grinath) Display canned tomatoes with the canned pears and peaches instead of with canned vegetables, since, technically, they ARE fruit. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) A housing developer could honor world culture by naming all the streets in a suburban subdivision after, say, famous Indians and Serbs, e.g., Ananda K. Coomaraswamy Boulevard, {Zcaron}eljko Joksimovi Way. (Peter Metrinko) Free cold medicine with the rental of any heavy machinery. (Russell Beland) Pay toilets also have coin slots inside for pay toilet paper. (Chuck Smith) Grocery stores could put Aunt Jemima pancake mix in the ethnic-foods section. (Roy Ashley, Washington) And the first-ever Anti-Invitational winner: Add a half-cent to every price at dollar stores in Virginia so that, with the 4.5 percent sales tax, each item costs exactly $1.05. (Russell Beland) TRUE EVILS Large-size bras are always hanging on the lowest, almost-on-the-floor racks, causing us top-heavy shoppers to have to bend over, losing our balance. This is evil. (Christy Miller, Charlottesville) Drive-through liquor stores: for when you're too drunk to walk. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Hey, ladies, don't you just love those feminine-product disposal units stuck at nose level right next to the toilets in public bathroom stalls? (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) When applying for a job as an English teacher for foreign students, a friend of mine was handed a form that said at the top: "If you are unable to read English, please ask for a translator." (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) In a warehouse store in Nebraska a while back, I wandered into the feminine-products area. And there, on a support beam, between the tampons and the sanitary napkins, was a shrink-wrap/card display of ice picks. (Don Critchfield, Washington) In a CVS, the sign over the aisle read: Candy / Snacks / Diet Aids (Jessica Lynne Mathews, Arlington) I like how supermarkets now sell freshly brewed coffee -- and have those little platforms by the checkout keypad slanted just enough for your coffee to slide off while you pay. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Banks are happy to lend you money when you don't need it. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) Publish KidsPost in the same section as Tell Me About It, The Style Invitational and stories about sex toys. (Russell Beland) And Last: From the Metro section of the Oct. 24 Washington Post: "Maryland education officials have notified Prince George's County that it cannot use federal money to provide extra tutoring because a large number of its public schools are falling behind under the No Child Left Behind law." (Rosie Behr, Baltimore) ====================================================================== WEEK 586, published November 28, 2004 Week 586: God's Will (and Won't) If God hadn't wanted us to be hugely obese, God wouldn't have invented the Clapper. This week's contest comes from longtime Loser Roy Ashley of Washington. In the tradition of that classic example of short-sightedness, "If God had wanted us to fly, He would have given us wings," Roy suggests that you complete either of the following: If God hadn't wanted us to -- -- , God wouldn't have -- -- . If God had wanted us to -- -- , God would have -- -- . Warning: This is already well-explored territory. The Empress had better not receive stolen quotes from Dave Barry ("If God had wanted us to spend our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have invented beer") or from innumerable Web sites ("If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees"). If you think you may have heard it somewhere, don't share it here. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a 2005 "Nuns Having Fun" wall calendar, which includes photos of 1950s-era nuns in full habit who are playing tug-of-war, piloting a speedboat, sharing smokes, etc. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 6. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 582, in which we asked for updated, edgy nursery rhymes or children's songs. A large number of entries had Jack and Jill going for water and ending up with daughter; all of the following, while perhaps not classic, seem to be at least novel. Third runner-up: Hey diddle diddle, the admen will fiddle With products that some will impugn. That's why they now call 'em "dried plums" When they used to call 'em "prune."(Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Second runner-up: Jack Sprat was getting fat, His wife said, "Lose the gut!" His corset laced, he lost the waist and grew a giant butt. (Jim Mall, Chicago) First runner-up, the winner of the Town of Brunswick, N.Y., souvenir plate: Eenie meenie miney moe, Catch a traitor by his toe. Whether there is proof or no, Take him to Guantanamo. (Mark Young, Washington) And the winner of the Inker: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt His name is my name, too! But he doesn't know I'm making lots of dough Stealing the identity of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Barry smoke crack and I don't care, Barry smoke crack and I don't care, Barry smoke crack and I don't care, Elect him anyway. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) To Wal-Mart, to Wal-Mart, my town's only store. I swear that there used to be others before. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) To market, to market, to buy a fat hog, "We're sorry, your congressman's out for a jog." (Jim Mall) (I.) "Jack," said Jill, "I'm on the pill, With condoms don't you bother." Jack believed, but was deceived. Now Jack's a brand-new father. (Walt Johnston, Woodstock, Md.) (II.) George and Dick took out a stick To slay the Evil Axis. And now, my dears, there's four more years For lowering our taxes. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) (III.) John and John have now withdrawn And one went to Nantucket. John fell down and lost the crown, And John drawled, "Well, just [bleep]!" (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Bye baby bunting, Daddy's gone a-hunting. Gone to get some crinoline To wrap the baby's bunting in. (No animals were hurt in the construction of this nursery rhyme.) (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Little Osama sent in a bomba And racism now has found sway, We think that a turban is clearly disturbin', And no one recalls Tim McVeigh. (Seth Brown) "Marion Barry, quite contrary, How did your legend grow?" He smoked and he snorted, and then he retorted, "Why, I've been framed by a ho." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Ring around Fallujah We hate to have to noodge yah Ashes, ashes, we'll burn your town! (Dan Blitz, Gaithersburg) Calista has no body fat And Kate is really lean, And so betwixt them both They weigh 'bout one-eighteen. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Mary had a little limb, She needed a prosthetic, But her health plan wouldn't pay. Now isn't that pathetic? (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) I'm a little G-spot, short and stout. Where am I hiding? Come find out. When I get all steamed up hear her shout: Find me now or just get out! (Scott Campisi) Monday's child is none too bright, Tuesday's child is middlin', Wednesday's child is ADD, Pump him full of Ritalin. (Peter Metrinko) There was a crooked man and he had a crooked smile, An undisclosed agenda was his crooked little style. He made us all afraid of each person in the world, Afraid that any minute we'd be dipped in oil and berled. (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) Ding dong bell, Someone's in the well. But it's a family paper, So her name I cannot tell. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts All on a summer's day. The Knave of Hearts, he stole the tarts And lived to rue the day. The Queen of Hearts, through unwashed parts, Was spreading plague around. The Knave of Heart's bubonic warts Soon put him in the ground. (Jeff Brechlin) Deedle deedle dumpling, Private John Went to Iraq without armor on. Now it's one leg off and one leg on, But Rumsfeld's still at the Pentagon. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) The itsy bitsy camera went up the water spout, On came the shower, and washed the camera out. "Aah!" screamed the coeds, stampeding for the door. And the techno-savvy pervert went back to jail once more. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) I love you, you love me, we're a Happy Family With two nice dads and a little boy and girl And that just makes some Christians hurl. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Peter Piper packeted, uh . . . Peter Piper picketated, uh . . . Peter Piper pocketuded, uh . . . Wait, I'm not finished! (G.W.B., Washington) (Jack Cackler) The nurse takes the cow, The nurse takes the cow, Santorum said it would come to this, The nurse takes the cow. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie, Dissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, Georgie Porgie said, "Hey, I got 61 percent of the white male vote, so who cares about a bunch of whining feminists anyway?" (Jack Cackler) ====================================================================== WEEK 587, published December 5, 2004 Week 587: The B-List Out: Road rage. In: Rove rage. Hard Sell: Stem cell research. Hard Cell: Martha Stewart's. Books for Children: Lemony Snicket. Booked for Children: Michael Jackson. Every Jan. 1, for decades now, The Post's Style section has presented readers with "The List," a helpful guide to What's In, What's Out. All right, maybe "helpful" isn't quite the right word, since the List-creation is usually assigned to the hippest, in-the-loopiest writers on the staff; currently the task falls to Hank Stuever, whose beat is essentially Alternative Lifestyles and Novel Musings. And so even What's Out tends to consist of items you hadn't known were In in the first place. (Actual example from the 2000 list: "Out: 10-10-321; In: 867-5309.") This week's contest, suggested by the indefatigable Russell Beland of Springfield: Let's come up with a supplementary list -- to run Jan. 2, the day after the original. To avoid duplicating Hank's list, the Empress invites you to come up with other types of pairings as well as In/Out, as in the examples above. Unlike Mr. Stuever, you won't get ink if no one understands what you are talking about. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a plastic egg full of genuine Jasmine-Scented Angel Snot{+T}{+M}, acquired by the Empress in the City of Angels, Seattle. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 13. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland. Report from Week 583, in which you had to reinterpret a Post headline by writing a new "bank" headline or lead sentence. Funny but submitted by too many Losers were plays on Yasser Arafat Pronounced Dead in Paris (Coroner Uses Strange French Dialect) and Judge Cuts Foreman From Peterson Trial (Feared He Wanted to Grill Defendant). Some of the headlines below were also among many on a theme, but they had that spit-out-your-coffee wording. Third runner-up: Judge Says Detainees' Trials Are Unlawful 'From Now On, Just Shoot 'Em,' Court Advises (Donn Viviani, Berkeley, Calif.) Second runner-up: In Suit, Va. Teen Accuses Schoolmates of Bullying Sailor Outfit Was 'Special Gift From Mumsy' (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) First runner-up, winner of the promotional coconut: Man on Terror Tape May Be Californian Analysts Note Reference to Allah as 'Like, Most Excellently Primo'(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) And the winner of the Inker: Compelling Body of Art Simon Explains Real Reason for Reunion With Garfunkel (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Honorable Mentions: NASA Breaks Ground With Craft Next Time, Agency Plans to Point Rocket Skyward (Mike Hammer, Arlington) E. Roosevelt Returns to Form Dems Feel Mix of Excitement, Revulsion at Reincarnation; Could She Win in 2008? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) You Haven't Lived Here if You Haven't . . . And You Have Lived Here if You Have (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) Stocks Continue to Rally Resurgence in Puritan Justice Seen; Tar, Feathers Also Selling Well (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Serial Killing Case Develops The Sharper Image is expanding its Specialty Professional Luggage line with a stain-resistant model complete with a firearm compartment . . . (Veggo Larsen, Barboursville, Va.) Two Sides to the Story Fox News Tries Radical Approach (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Brown Will Be Out Until Dec. Charcoal, Olive Are De Rigueur for Fall, Decree Fashionistas (Fred Dawson, Beltsville; Dave Zarrow) Red Line Service Operating Normally It's Business as Usual as Lenders Continue to Discriminate Against Urban Minorities (Roy Ashley, Washington) Monkey Trials Show Promise for Men's Contraceptive But Results Skewed by Men's Reluctance to Have Sex With Monkeys (Howard Rubin, Falls Church) Sharon's Reason to Mourn Kennedy Junior High sources reported that Sharon McGillicuddy is still depressed that Travis Gallagher asked Sheila Goldstein to the homecoming dance. (Roy Ashley) Should Roman Catholic Priests Be Allowed to Marry? Traditionalists Insist They Try It With Women First (Steve Fahey, Kensington, and Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.; Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Anxiety Abounds for Mentally Ill Advocates Law Firm of Manson, Dahmer & Son of Sam Off to Rough Start (Jay Reiziss, Poolesville) U.S. Remains Unprepared With Nationwide Formaldehyde Shortage, Funeral Industry Speeds Up Services (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) Spurrier Won't Coach Miami 'Hey, I Didn't Coach Washington Either, and They Paid Me Millions' (Robert Levin, Rockville) For Virginia, Two Sides to Story After 107 Years, N.Y. Sun Prints Clarification: There May or May Not Be a Santa Claus (Russell Beland, Springfield) Homeless Animals Rescue Team Redskins Improve After Gibbs Replaces Offense With 11 Feral Dogs (Brendan Beary) Microsoft Placates Two Foes 'Only 5.9 Billion to Go,' Exec Estimates (Russell Beland) Wizards Fall to Heat in Round 2 Next Bush Term Will Permit Burning of 'Satanic' Harry Potter Books (Michelle Stupak) Bengals Work on Next Step Now Unemployed, Siegfried & Roy's Tigers Put Together Dance Routine (Michelle Stupak) Top Ten Films Gummy Stovetop Residue, Oily Beach Perspiration Lead List (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) Lending a Nourishing Hand Martha Stewart effusively thanked Hannibal Lecter for the surprise gift she received this week, but said prison rules forbid her to keep it. (Peter Metrinko) Tasers Approved for Commercial Flights High Compliance Predicted for Stowing Tray Tables (Chris Doyle) Get Your Mind Into the Gutter Sewer Dwellers Aspire to a Better Life (Chris Doyle) Indonesia Puts Travel Ban on Journalists Extra Deodorant Deemed Necessary for Borneo Bus Trip (Danny Bravman, St. Louis) A 51 Percent Mandate? Dating Transsexuals Can Be Tricky (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk) Airlines to Test Drinking Water In Trial Run, Evian to Replace Jack Daniel's in Cockpit (Steve Fahey) WNO Is Ready to Reach for the Grand 'Ring' Cell Phones in Opera House Will Be Immediately Confiscated (Brendan Beary) Usher Sweeps American Music Awards Popcorn Spill During Ceremony Quickly Cleaned Up (Danny Bravman) Oh, What a Ball We Had Diners' Rave Spurs Popularity of Prairie Oysters (Brendan Beary) Taxpayers to Fund Brutality Award Gala Planned to Honor Nominees for De Sade Prize (Maja Keech) PeopleSoft Directors Reject Oracle's Offer Board Stands Firm Despite Threatened 'Wrath of Zeus' (Brendan Beary) 'Commissions' for Detainees Ruled Invalid Atty. Gen. Must Remain on Straight Salary (Chuck Smith) Baggage Complaints Are Piling Up "She won't throw out her ex's love letters, she's always accusing me of flirting with other chicks, we can't go ANYWHERE without her inviting her mom along . . . " (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Binding the Bird New Moral Values Code Requires Taping Down of Middle Finger (Michelle Stupak) ====================================================================== WEEK 588, published December 12, 2004 Week 588: Gadget if You Can This week's contest: Esteemed Loser Cartoonist Bob Staake has once again, just in time for holiday gift-giving, come up with these nifty, indispensable items. Unfortunately, once again, he forgot to tell us what they are. Help us out here. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets yet another souvenir from Transylvania courtesy of Elden Carnahan of Laurel. Unlike Elden's previous contribution from the Romanian economy, this one is perfectly wholesome: It's a small wooden plate from the town of Sighisoara featuring favorite son Dracula (1431-1475). Mr. Dracula, pictured here in a wood-burned portrait, looks a bit crazed but not fangy or dripping blood or anything. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 20. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 9. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Roy Ashley of Washington. In case you haven't been keeping track, today marks the first anniversary of the Empress's reign. In commemoration, she gives you permission to take the day off from work or school. Report from Week 584, in which we asked you to come up with new Cabinet or other government positions: It seems that some of the Losers are perhaps still a wee bit upset in the wake of the presidential election, and when they're upset they're just NOT SO FUNNY, OKAY? In general, as usual, the less bitter, less screedy entries tended to be funnier this week. Some people offered up agencies instead of positions; we couldn't afford to quibble. Third runner-up: Office of Environmental Improvement: Charged with creating nicer words for pollution. Elevated mercury levels in streams will be called "fast water"; elevated CO2 levels will be called "carbonated air." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Second runner-up: Agency of Tactical Intelligence on Rogue Alien Nations (ATAC IRAN): Charged with determining alternative solutions to diplomacy. (Jerome Alfred, Annandale) First runner-up, winner of the risque wooden soldier from Transylvania: Chief Scientist, Division of the Perpendicular Universe: Explores latest scientific advances from a "traditional" perspective, such as erasing national debt through alchemy.(Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) And the winner of the Inker: Secretary of Globalization: A position that exists solely to give college students something to protest without actually getting in the way of the operations of the government. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: Secretary of Just Us: Seeks to strengthen our nation's approach to foreign policy. (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria) The House Whisperer: The person who feeds lines to the president through that box on his back. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Department of Offshore Technical Support: He is normalizing this problems you are having of the computer, please. (Jerry Ewing, Orlando) Undersecretary for Bouncing Up and Down and Repeatedly Asking "Are We There Yet?" in an Annoying Singsong Voice: A junior position in the Department of Transportation, it serves to remind the secretary that the department's progress is too slow. (Russell Beland) Office of the Out-of-Control Special Prosecutor: What's a second term without one? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton) Department of Budgetary Strategy: Will be headed jointly by the Undersecretary for Robbing Peter and the Undersecretary for Paying Paul. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Office of Buy Partisan Cooperation: A congressional liaison also known as the Office of Spending Political Capital. (Jack Held, Fairfax) Secretary of the Interior Decoration: A token post to be filled by a Log Cabin Republican. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Secretary of Lethargy: New position intended to offset some of the power of the Secretary of Energy. (Russell Beland) Consumer Product Softy Commission: This office is staffed entirely by self-policing industry members. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) National Designated Driver: Anyone who needs a sober driver can call this guy. Expect to wait a few minutes. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Federal Bureau of Instigation: An ongoing commission that meets annually to decide which country to attack next. (Michelle Stupak) International Park Service Misdirector: Protects U.S. tourism by persuading other countries to underfund their national parks, too. (Ken Gallant, Little Rock, Ark.) Bureau of Taxidermy: This new arm of the Smithsonian will preserve and display species not expected to survive the next four years. This program has the added benefit of solving unemployment. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Secretary of HUH (Department of Helping Understand Him), whose job it is to explain what the president means when he says things like "We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end" and "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Save money by merging the National Institute of Mental Health with the U.S. Postal Service to create the U.S. "Postal" Service. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Department of Federal Government: The sole Cabinet department remaining after outsourcing. (Dave Prevar) The Priss Corps: A group of well-behaved young women designated to hang out with Jenna and Barbara and keep them out of trouble. (Michelle Stupak) Department of Long, Slow Kisses With Beautiful Women You Just Met: No real mission, but a great gig nevertheless. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) And Last: Department of Debt Denial: Complete with its own anthem (to "We're in the Money"): We're in denial! We're in denial! Ignoring bitter truths is how we get along! When debts compiled put us on trial We just suppress them -- people think that nothing's wrong! Who cares of mounting debt rates, Public, credit and trade? We'll just deny and let rates By the unborn future folks be paid. We're in denial! We've spent a pile! We'll fiddle while we just keep burning along! (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 589, published December 19, 2004 Week 589: Hyphen the Terrible (New Edition!) Sen-mo: How college students tend to sign letters to their parents. Presi-cracy: The spending of political capital. Bor-brew: Budweiser gets a new name. One of the Invitational's most frequent contests was one in which readers combined the halves of any two words that were hyphenated in that day's paper. This contest, however, didn't adapt well to the 21st century, because readers of the Invitational on The Post's Web site never see a hyphen. So for this week's contest: Combine the beginning of any multi-syllabic word in this week's Invitational with the end of any other multi-syllabic word in this column (or in this week's Web supplement) to coin a new word, and then define it, as in the examples above. If the word has more than two syllables, the "beginning" or "end" can be as long as you like (short of the whole word), but it must break at an actual syllable break. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives -- just in time to be too late for Christmas -- a plush stocking sent by a studio hoping to gain publicity for "Christmas With the Kranks," the movie The Washington Post lovingly described as a "festering pile of celluloid." Inside this stocking we will add a genuine lump of anthracite coal. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 27. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 16. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield, who also offered the idea for this week's contest. Report from Week 585, in which we asked for parodies of holiday songs in which you gave some advice to our nation's leaders or the Loyal Opposition. There were far too many worthy songs than would fit in the paper, so be sure to check out Volume 2 of the Honorable Mentions at www.washingtonpost.com (just type "Style Invitational" in the search bar at the top of the home page), where there's also a Special Holiday Bonus -- a link to some genuine Style Invitational Losers attempting to warble a few of these songs into a microphone at this year's Loser Holiday Party. Second runner-up: To "The Chipmunk Song" Congress, Congress, time is here, Time for payback, time for cheer. We came through and helped you win. Hurry now, we're cashing in. Want a justice on the court, One who won't let them abort. We can hardly stand the wait, So, Congress, don't be late.(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) First runner-up, the winner of the door hanging made out of two straw hats: To "Winter Wonderland" We pledge death in elections! We kill crooks with injections! 'Tis time that they go that mile down Death Row, Here in Texas' Penitentiary. They've used up their appeals, Now we'll serve their last meals, Because they did shoot, we'll execute, Push the needle in for all to see. Once upon a time we'd have some hangings, Put ropes around their necks and drop them down, Then we sat them in a chair and fried them, Until the crooks were golden crispy brown. Murderers get no pardon, Governors, their hearts harden, And then if we see another crime spree, It's more shots in our penitentiary. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) And the winner of the Inker: To "White Christmas" Start dreaming of your wife's kisses. You have to be the perfect mate. When you're chasing skirts, Bill, It only hurts Hil For prez in two thousand and eight. Start dreaming of your wife's kisses. Behave as if she's Mrs. Right. May you kiss and hold her real tight. And may your next residence be White. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) Honorable Mentions To "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" Putin the Red knows tactics He learned at the KGB. Rigging Ukraine's election, That's a covert specialty. He's not for spreading freedom, He just wants complete control. Mr. Bush, one suggestion: Look again into his soul. (Harvey Smith, McLean) To "Here We Come a-Wassailing" Kerry, don't be waffling while on the Senate floor, Kerry, don't be flip-flopping, or you'll get votes no more, Why'd you have to concede? You're the man that we need, Please come back to be pres'dent after four more painful years, Please come back after four more painful years. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) To "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" Iraqing around the GOP at the Grand Old Party hop, Needing an exit strategy because the war won't stop. Iraqing around the GOP and rejecting the U.N. Bringing Iraq democracy, though we don't know how or when. You will get a sentimental feeling when we say, "Sunni clerics, come see how we Rig the voting for Allawi." Iraqing around the GOP while the war is far away. Wondering why the whole world hates The good . . . old . . . U . . . S . . . A! (Barbara Sarshik) To "Sleigh Ride" They've got more ayatollahs And way more mountains than sand, What went wrong in Fallujah Would go 10 times worse in Iran. (Mark Young, Washington) To "O Little Town of Bethlehem" O little blue Northeastern state, We fear you do us wrong; Though we're the saved and you're depraved, We still should get along. You godless sons of Sodom, Your souls are damned, we know; You'll burn in Hell, but please do tell Why you resent us so. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) To "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen" God rest ye, Joseph Lieberman, on every Sabbath day. The voters will respect a man who takes the time to pray. But won't you please sing songs about a one-horse open sleigh? A small thing to comfort a goy, comfort a goy, A small thing to comfort a goy. According to the latest polls, the voters do agree It's fine to chant in Hebrew wearing your phylactery, As long as you will also light the White House Christmas tree. A small thing to comfort a goy, comfort a goy, A small thing to comfort a goy. (Barbara Sarshik) To "We Three Kings of Orient Are" We two queens of one common bed Wish to marry before we are dead. Please, oh Congress, right wing, nonetheless Legally, let us wed. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) To "O Christmas Tree" O FCC, O FCC, How goshdarned moral must we be? O FCC, O FCC, Must we show naught but purity To keep from getting fined big dough When we go on a TV show? O FCC, O FCC, To [heck] with this insanity. (Fred Souk, Reston) Web supplement for Week 585 song parodies More Honorable Mentions More Honorable Mentions from Week 585 of The Style Invitational, political parodies of holiday songs: To "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" _____Audio_____ "¢ To "The Chipmunk Song," by Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo. "¢ To "Deck the Halls," by Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass. "¢ To "Winter Wonderland," by Fred Dawson, Beltsville "¢ To "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," by Barbara Sarshik, McLean "¢ To "White Christmas," by Barbara Sarshik, McLean "¢ To "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen," by Brendan Beary, Great Mills "¢ To "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen," by Barbara Sarshik McLean "¢ To "Good King Wenceslaus," by Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn. "¢ To "O Come All Ye Faithful," by Shirley Grossman, McLean "¢ To "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," by Brendan Beary, Great Mills "¢ To "Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming," by Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring "¢ To "The Christmas Song," by Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo. To "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" You better watch out, you better not groan, Better not pout, your cover is blown. Porter Goss is coming to town. He's making a list of agents who bitch; Gonna find out who's likely to snitch. Porter Goss is coming to town. He'll catch you when you're leaking, He'll know if you're a snake, He'll find out when you help the Dems, And you'll pay, make no mistake! Oh! You better watch out! You're lookin' for grief. Better not flout the CIA chief. Porter Goss is coming to town. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) To "Deck the Halls" Block the vote and filibuster Blahblahblahblahblah, blahblahblahblah. Make a speech devoid of luster Blahblahblahblahblah, blahblahblahblah. Make it boring and appalling Blahblahblah . . . Just so you succeed in stalling Blahblahblah . . . (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) To "Away in a Manger" (addressed to the Republican Party): DeLay is a danger too great to ignore. Although you got lucky in two thousand four. If Tom is indicted for his dirty tricks, You won't be so lucky in two thousand six. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) To "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus, Then they took them both away last night . . . (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) To "Good King Wenceslaus" Colin Powell don't get down Now that you are leavin' Write a book and roast that town Better to get even. Tell it like it really is Don't pull any punches You'll make millions standing and Speaking at big lunches. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) To "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" You've a mandate, Mr. Bush, Don't heal that divide Shove it up the liberals' (nostrils) You've got Heaven on your side, Mr. Buuuuuuuu-ush! Fifty-one of 100 votes is . . . A God-sent landsliiiiiiiiiide!!! (Bob Jones III, Greenville, S.C.) (Jim Proulx, Renton, Wash.) To "Winter Wonderland" Step away from the oil, Or our rep you will spoil, We've been there too long Where we don't belong, Walking 'round on other people's sand. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk) To "Silver Bells" Global warming, tax reforming, Cleaning Hummer exhaust, Medicare goes the way of big business. Immigration, education, When we add up the cost, Then on every street corner we'll hear: Future bills! Future bills! Deficit time in committee. Ring-a-ling, hear them ring, Soon it will be time to pay. (Barbara Sarshik) To "The Christmas Song" ("Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire") George Bush boasting of his newest hire Cheney's ripping on his foes: Al Gonzales being praised by the choir As folks dress up his legal prose. Everybody knows Alberto's gonna strike a blow, Help to prove that might is right. Qaeda pals down in Guantanamo Will find it hard to sleep tonight. They know Alberto's on his way He's putting lots of ploys and gambits on display; 'Cause every terrorist and every spy Will see Geneva's silly rules don't apply. And so I'm offering this simple phrase To those we capture and pursue: You're blessed and our guest for the rest of your days, Merry Gitmo to you. (Chris Doyle) --- Come the Rapture, can I have your cat? 'Cause I won't be goin' up with you. Not that I don't think that Jesus is phat, It's just because I am a Jew . . . (Michelle Stupak) To "We Three Kings of Orient Are" DOD, we travel afar, try to burnish W's star, Those we don't like we're first to strike, Who cares just what facts there are? Oh . . . fools rush in without a doubt, Showing off our awful clout, Fools rush in but do they win If they get in and can't get out? (John Held, Fairfax) To "Up on a Housetop" Straddlin' the fence, McCain will wait, Hoping the GOP will nominate. Bad taste still lingers in his gorge Having to stump with curious George. Ho, ho, ho, why did you go? Ho, ho, ho, could've laid low On the campaign trail in oh-oh-eight You'll get no pity from the fourth estate. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) To "Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming" Lo, how a debt e'er booming From tender Shrub hath grown. Of Dubya's tax cuts coming, The screw-up is your own. You put us in the red And there'll be hell to pay here, As Greenspan now doth moan. (Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring) To "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen" God rest ye, lefty justices, your circumstance is dire; Take care you not fall ill or unexpectedly expire. A bench of right-wing ideologues is Dubya's deep desire, Your retiring's a plum that he'd enjoy, plum he'd enjoy, Your retiring's a plum that he'd enjoy. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) --- Arrest those hairy gentlemen And kick them in the tush. They had the nerve to enter in A campaign speech by Bush . . . (Ira R. Allen, Bethesda) ---- Increase the budget deficit, red ink should not dismay, We've just seen that most voters only care about today, Contributors will give you more when they've less tax to pay, Tax cutting gives comfort and joy, comfort and joy, Tax cutting gives comfort and joy. "We can accept a deficit," most Democrats agree ("As long as it is spent for health," said poor old John Kerry). So spending more and taxing less helps national unity, Tax cutting gives comfort and joy . . . Of course we know this growing debt our children must repay, But let's be honest with ourselves, we matter more than they! Besides they're mostly ingrates -- we'll get back at them this way, Tax cutting gives comfort and joy . . . So raise the budget deficit, a trillion bucks at least, The red states will approve of this (who cares about the East?). When services begin to fail, rejoice, you've "starved the beast." Tax cutting gives comfort and joy. (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase) To "White Christmas" I'm dreaming of a right Congress Just like the one we hammered through. Where the left's retreatin' 'Cause they were beaten, And red states dominate the blue. I'm dreaming of a right Congress With every Democrat we smite. May the daze of Kerry delight, And may all our Congresses be right. (Chris Doyle) To "O Come, All Ye Faithful" O come ye consumer, Come ye with good humor: Behold, the economy is in your hand. Max out your Visa Though you're no Teresa. The deficit is high now, The Treasury is dry now, So buy and buy and buy now To save this land. (Shirley Grossman, McLean) To "Up on the Housetop" Up to the White House, quick, quick, quick, For the Court judicial pick. Rehnquist is out and you're the Man, Key to the Right's strategic plan. Time to go! Go, Rudy, go! Please for me, Judge Rudy G, Up to the White House and report: Chief Justice, U.S. Supreme Court. (Jeff Brechlin) To "What Child Is This?" What child is this who's left behind By cuts in federal spending? The Congress could inflict some good In the omnibus bill that is pending. (Doug Pinkham, Oakton) To "The First Noel" In '48 was born a state Where war followed war and hate followed hate Departments of State negotiate, It's 50 years later and still we wait. Oh well, oh well; oh hell, oh hell. Colin's not going to Israel. (Shirley Grossman) To "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" Have yourself a merry filibuster, while we pack the courts; Though your task is futile, we can be good sports. Have yourself a jolly little gabfest, fight our spending bills; You just look so cute when tilting at windmills! When one's in the minority, it's no cup of tea, it's true. Now your party is so bereft, this is all you've left to do. Just adhere to Robert's Rules of Order; that much we'll allow. We'll get our agenda rammed through anyhow, So have yourself a merry filibuster now. (Brendan Beary) To "Santa Baby" Tony baby, slip a baseball underneath the tree, for me Stop a-wandering the world Tony baby, hurry back to D.C. tonight. Tony baby, a head of schools who's willing to stay -- let's pray I'll wait up for that, dear Tony baby, hurry back to D.C. tonight. (Sara Simons, Washington) To "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" It came upon a mandate clear, Our country's direction to take, So now, I sleep with my children near, And hope, in four years, I'll awake. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) To "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" Arnold the governator Used to be a movie star Now he's a politician Who, like Reagan, could go far. But when the founding fathers Put our country's rules in place, They wouldn't let poor Arnold Join the presidential race. Then one close election eve Congress came to say, "Arnold, with this race so tight, Won't you lead our country right?" Adding a quick amendment Nailed it for the GOP. Arnold the governator, You'll rewrite our history. (Sara Simons, Washington, and Erika Reinfeld, Somerville, Mass.) --- Ralphie the lame campaigner Made a very solemn oath: He'd knock off corp'rate welfare And promote domestic growth. All of the Dems were hostile, So they laughed and called him names. They wouldn't let poor Nader Play in the election games. But maybe next election eve Democrats will say, "Ralphie, your ideas are great, Won't you be our candidate?" Then how they all will love him As they're shouting out with glee, "Nader, you are our savior, You'll defeat the GOP!" (Chris Doyle) To "The Dreidel Song" We targeted Tom Daschle, and now he's lost his seat. And if you cause us trouble, you too will be dead meat. Daschle! Daschle! Daschle! You Dems should heed the sign, That you'll end up like Daschle, if you step out of line! (Bill Frist, Washington) (Brendan Beary) http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A4490-2004Dec16.html From the Loser Holida Party in January: https://soundcloud.com/myerspat/style-invitational-carol ====================================================================== WEEK 590, published December 26, 2004 Week 590: Send Us the Bill The DeMint-Toomey Campaign Finance Enhancement Act. The Tauzin-Cleaver bill to promote safety in the kitchen. The Dent-Costa-Moore-Green bill for oversight of auto repair shops. This week's contest: The list appearing elsewhere on this page consists of the last names of the newly elected members of Congress, including those who slid over from the House to the Senate, as well as the members they displaced. In our seventh edition of this contest, your challenge is to come up with a bill sponsored by any combination of these people and explain the purpose of the bill, as in the examples above. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a totally unedited CD of Style Invitational Losers "singing" 13 of the Christmas carol political parodies that were featured here last week. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 3. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 586, in which we sought variations on "If God . . ." jokes. Submitted by many: If God hadn't wanted us to invade Iraq, God wouldn't have put all that oil there. Third runner-up: If God had wanted us to read, He would have invented the Book Channel. (Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.) Second runner-up: If God hadn't wanted men to be thoughtful, romantic lovers, God wouldn't have invented halftime. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) First runner-up, the winner of the "Nuns Having Fun" calendar: If God had wanted us to be politically correct, He would have given "those people" a little sense of humor. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the winner of the Inker: If God didn't want sex to be considered dirty, He wouldn't have put it . . . y'know . . . down there. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Honorable Mentions If God wanted us to love our neighbors as ourselves, God would have made our neighbors as lovable as we are.(Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) If God had wanted Americans to elect John Kerry, God would have prevented Saddam Hussein from launching the 9/11 attack. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) If God had wanted us to be vegetarians, God would have had Disney design all the animals. (Marty Pearl, Arlington) If God didn't want fat people to wear thongs, He wouldn't have invented shoehorns. (Niels Hoven, Berkeley, Calif.) If God had wanted the people of the world to live in peace and harmony, God should have stuck to just one name. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) If God hadn't wanted us to be culturally refined and discriminating, He wouldn't have found it necessary to invent the subtle, elegant differences in taste and bouquet of nacho cheese dip, Cheez Whiz, Cheeto dust and Velveeta. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) If God didn't want me to run naked through the shopping mall, then He wouldn't turn himself into a little brown three-legged dog and repeatedly tell me to do it. (Bird Waring, New York) If God hadn't wanted us to kill each other, God wouldn't have made some of us so damn annoying. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) If God had wanted us to floss regularly, He would have given us those funny little snake tongues. (Russell Beland, Springfield) If God hadn't wanted us to pick our noses, God wouldn't have made our nostrils pinkie-shaped. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) If God had wanted men to care for infants, God would have made them self-cleaning, like ovens. (Chris Doyle) If God had wanted us to elect John Kerry, He would have taken the time to vote, but no -- voting is "too mortal." (Russell Beland) If God hadn't wanted us to covet our neighbor's wife, God wouldn't have made her such a tomato. (Stephen Litterst, Ithaca, N.Y.) If God wanted us to think being gay was wrong, He never would have let Clarence be George Bailey's guardian angel. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) If God didn't want us to brush our teeth, God wouldn't have invented bidets. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If God hadn't wanted us to put on weight, He would have given us six rectums. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) If God had wanted Julia Roberts to be in so many movies, God would have given her another facial expression. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) If God had wanted us to spell it "Filipino," He'd have made the country the Filipines. (Russell Beland) If God had meant us to believe that the world and all its life forms were created 5,000 years ago, He wouldn't have given us radioisotope dating techniques. That is, unless God is a liar. (Ken Gallant, Little Rock) If God hadn't wanted us to be gay, God wouldn't have made members of the same sex so attractive. (Karen Shimansky, Emmitsburg, Md.) If God had wanted us to do sit-ups, God would have put one of those recliner handles on our right sides. (Chris Doyle) If God had wanted us to back into our parking spaces, God would have given us eyes in the backs of our heads. And maybe we'd be able to make that beeping noise with our, er, noses. (Tom Witte) If God wanted us to all vote Republican, God would have given us all lobotomies, instead of just 51 percent of us. (Marleen May, Rockville) If God had wanted men to talk towomen, He'd have made us all women. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) If God had wanted us to be entirely hetero, God would have put us on a bigger planet. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) If God hadn't wanted Bill Clinton to campaign for John Kerry, He would've . . . oh, um . . . (Judith Cottrill, New York) If God didn't want us to have wrinkles, God would have implanted little winches behind our ears. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) If God had wanted the rain forests to survive, God wouldn't have invented Stephen King. (Chuck Smith) If God had wanted more English people, God would have given them more than just a stiff upper lip. (Chuck Smith) If God had wanted us to wear pantyhose, God would have put our crotches at our knees. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) If God hadn't wanted us to watch reality TV, God wouldn't have given us schadenfreude. (Pam Sweeney) If God wanted us to tithe, He would give us all 11.11 percent raises. (Russell Beland) If God hadn't wanted me to peek into the women's shower at the gym, God wouldn't have waited so long to give me a sign, don't you think? (Marc Leibert, New York) If God hadn't wanted us to put a "u" in "humour," God would have spelt it "hmor." (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) If God had wanted us to speak in gender-neutral pronouns, He or She would have made the English language so cumbersome in this regard so we could adequately express His or Her desire. (Marc Leibert) If God hadn't wanted us to run out of gas, God wouldn't have driven past that gas station you pointed out six miles back. So fine, I'm not God. Happy now? (Tom Kreitzberg) ====================================================================== WEEK 591, published January 2, 2005 Week 591: Dead Letters We're here to pay respects And there is just no way to mask it. It's just too bad, dear Rodney: Please stop spinning in your casket. This week's contest is our second annual request for rhyming poems about notable personages who have died in the past year. Poems longer than four lines need to be fabulously wonderful; those four lines or fewer need merely be fabulous. An Internet search on something like "notable deaths 2004" should yield dozens of useful lists of the newly unliving. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a copy of the Summer 2004 Social Register, which was donated anonymously to The Style Invitational by someone who didn't want it known that he'd gone through his neighbor's trash. This large directory lists the addresses of hundreds of people much more important than you are, including the addresses of their yachts. (Losers, of course, are more often associated with their snachts.) Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 10. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Josh Borken of Bloomington, Minn. Report from Week 587, in which we asked for various entries, in various forms, to supplement The List, The Post's so-hip-you'll-never-understand what's-in/what's-out guide (published yesterday): Third runner-up: Popular yellow accessory: Lance Armstrong bracelet. Unpopular yellow accessory: Terry Nichols. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Second runner-up: Turning over in 2005: The Bush Cabinet. Overturning in 2005: The Bush Supreme Court. (Russell Beland, Springfield) First runner-up, the winner of the plastic egg of Jasmine-Scented Angel Snot: In: Faith-based programs. Also in: Faith-based pogroms. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) And the winner of the Inker: In: The Army you have. Out: The secretary of defense you have. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Out: Mistletoe. In: Trigger finger. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Economic fears: Big box stores. Epidemic fears: Big pox stores. (Peter Metrinko) Deflating: U.S. bonds. Inflating: Barry Bonds. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) Out: United States of America. In: States of America. (Tom Boyle, Laurel) Out: Going to a fight and having a hockey game break out. In: Going to a fight and having a basketball game break out. (Marty McCullen) Out: Sanctions for other countries' prisoner abuses. In: Sanctioning your own country's prisoner abuses. (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.) Increasing: Teenage driving accidents. Decreasing: Teenage parking accidents. (Marleen May, Rockville) Sad: Having to recall 9/11. Bad: Having to redial 911. (Russell Beland) Out: Photocopying your butt. In: Scanning your butt and enhancing it with Photoshop. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) State Department under Colin Powell: Increasingly irrelevant. FCC under Michael Powell: Decreasingly irreverent. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Covered by insurance: Botulism in your stomach. Not covered by insurance: Botulism on your forehead. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Out: Arming for foreign scrapes. In: Scraping for foreign armor. (Joseph Romm) Halftime peep show: Janet Jackson. Full-time peep show: Paris Hilton. (Tom Witte) Buoyant: Homer Simpson. Syncing: Ashlee Simpson. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Out: Toe rings. In: Ring tones. (Roy Ashley, Washington) In: Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Out: Seven Grooms for Seven Brothers. (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg) Promised: Tax relief. Guaranteed: Tycoon engorging. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Out: Orange alert. In: Pink alert. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Greek sex: Alexander. Geek sex: Kinsey. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Out: Burkas. In: Kevlar. (Eric Murphy, Chicago) Out: Civil rights. In: Uncivil righteousness. (Tom Witte) Out: Motivational speaking. In: Motivational spanking. (Chris Doyle, Freeport, Bahamas) People who disagree: NHL players and owners. People who care: . (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Reality: Living with your wife. Reality TV: Living with someone else's wife. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) "Unfortunate" Lemony: Jude Law. Fortunate Limey: Jude Law. (Brendan Beary) Show About Wretches: The Bachelor. Show About Retches: Fear Factor. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Out: MP3s. In: MP-5s. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Down: U.S. dollar. Up: U.S. dolor. (Stanley Halbert, Lawrence, Kan.) Red skin: Symbol of ozone depletion. Redskins: Symbol of end zone depletion. (Tom Witte) Supreme Indianapolis Colt: Peyton Manning. Supreme Indianapolis Dolt: Ron Artest. (Chris Doyle) Out: Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel. In: Patriotism is the first refuge of the scoundrel. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Lights on: Dubya's Christmas tree. Nobody's home: Dubya's Cabinet. (Brendan Beary) Gay Marriage: Elton John. Day Marriage: Britney Spears. (Stanley Halbert) Foolish notion: Capturing bin Laden by invading Iraq. Foolish nation: United Red States of America. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) In: Brian Williams. Out of here like a West Texas windstorm, like a polecat in a pile driver, like a . . . hey, wait, I've got more . . . : Dan Rather. (Brendan Beary) Czar: Week after week with no ink. Empress: Week after week with no ink. (Thad Humphries, Warrenton) ====================================================================== WEEK 592, published January 9, 2005 Copyright The Washington Post Company Jan 9, 2005 At one point in the coming weeks, tens of millions of Americans will turn away from the seediness and despair of their daily lives and devote their attention, for several hours, to an event of momentous historical importance. We refer, of course, to the set of commercials before, during and after the Super Bowl, which is some sports contest that exists as the framework on which to hang these ads. In the XXXVIII-year history of the game, the commercials have become increasingly complex, expensive . . . and tasteless. Last year's included one about a dog biting a man in the crotch, and one about a horse fart. What should the Commercial Powers That Be come up with this year? Offer us a concise idea for a commercial, or some innovative halftime entertainment (you may remember that there was a halftime show last year), or some inappropriate sponsors, or some ideas for improving the game itself. Results will run on Super Sunday, Feb. 6. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives three dozen brand-new Groucho glasses-and-noses, donated by Loser Mike Connaghan of Alexandria. Just think of how you can transform, say, your wedding into an event that everyone will remember! Especially when you get the photo album back. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 18. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. The idea for this week's contest1 is from Brendan Beary of Great Mills. Report from Week 588, in which we asked you to identify these items that cartoonist Bob Staake had left for us under the tree. Many Losers identified Cartoon E as a spiritual Lamp Unto My Feet, or the new Ikea Pmal, or the latest in Australian room decor; and Cartoon C as a regulator of congressional pork. Third runner-up: Cartoon A: A Bucket of Warm Spit: The perfect gift for the person you wouldn't give anything to. Dick Cheney had several of these under his tree this year. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Second runner-up: Cartoon C: While ham radios continue to be popular, the salami radio never caught on. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) First runner-up, the winner of the Dracula plate from Romania: Cartoon B: The latest fad at wedding receptions: coffee urns that not only boil water but also dance along to the inevitable "YMCA." (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) And the winner of the Inker: Cartoon E: The community theater couldn't afford lavish props for its "Phantom of the Opera." (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) Honorable Mentions Cartoon A If you can't teach your loved one to put the toilet seat back down, the least he could do is buy you this low-energy electric butt dryer.(Herbie Lee, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Ralph Nader's publicity box: It squawks loudest when disconnected. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) The Eternal Flamer: Tombstone of the French performer Le Petomane, aka Le Fartiste. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I don't know what it is, but it says it's from my Secret Santa in Yucca Mountain, Nevada. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Thomas the Tank Engine after an unfortunate incident with the railroad mob. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) Cartoon B Swiss Army field trials proved the suppository-injector attachment rather unwieldy. (Tom Boyle, Laurel) Wonco's Ultimate Party Pot: Have a New Year's bash to remember with this espresso/infusion/fondue/bong. (Beverly Miller, North Clarendon, Vt.) When a new leader of Quebec is selected, this machine sends up the official puff of white smoke. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) In Ukraine, everyone is ordering the new samovar with the built-in dioxin detector. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) R2-D2's ex-wife. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple) Captain Nemo's Nautilus machine. (Russell and Maureen Beland, Springfield) Whistler embarrassed his mother by painting her seated on a toilet. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Cartoon C A great gift for those who play the market, this device accurately determines the value of pork belly futures. (Joseph Mat Schech, Colesville) All women really want from men: A full cashbox and a big sausage. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Antique laptop: The first machine to introduce us to the term "log on." (Richard A. Creasy, Winchester, Va.) Sausagemaking and politics are linked in this replica of an Ohio voting machine. (John Conti) Instrument to be used Aug. 2: If the ground meat doesn't see its shadow, then we have six more weeks of summer. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis) Cartoon D Navel oranges now come equipped with their own nutritious umbilical cords. (Jeffrey Dvorkin, Chevy Chase) She'll shed tears of delight when she casts her eyes on the Tammy Faye Mascara Dispenser. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Paul Hamm's emergency helium supply. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) His analysts' report concluded that you can't get blood from a stone, but the president ordered them back to the drawing board. (Tom Campbell, Highland Park, Ill.) The Balco lab tests its "clear" on an olive. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) "Mommy, how come all the other bombs just have short fuses and I gotta wear this?" (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) For Christmas, Spot wore a stocking on the end of his tail. (Russell Beland) Cartoon E Did it ever occur to you that bats are "blind" because they just don't get enough light? Well, this new device . . . (Cheryl Furst, Falls Church) For parties where people just won't let loose: a lampshade that puts itself on its head. (Larry M. Furst, Woodland, Calif.) After a week in Washington, Diogenes abandoned his quest. (Karen Napolitano, Gaithersburg) The Real Slim Shady. (Phyllis Reinhard) The favorite act of the flea circus was always the high dive. (Ross Elliffe) The constant teasing made Sarah-Plain-and-Tall want to dig a hole in the ground and crawl into it, but she made it only halfway. (Niels Hoven, Berkeley, Calif.) Next Week: Hyphen the Terrible, or Breaking Our Words ====================================================================== WEEK 593, published January 16, 2005 Week 593 Take This, Job, and . . . "You'd feel better if you didn't spend so much time thinking about yourself." "Don't worry, I'm sure we'll find a bathroom soon. I can remember this one time when I REALLY had to go -- oh boy, was that excruciating!" In an entry for our Jan. 2 in-and-out-etc. list that didn't see ink until now, Stanley Halbert of Lawrence, Kan., noted that jobs were down but Job's comforters were up. A Job's comforter is someone who seems to be offering sympathy but instead just makes the person feel worse, either intentionally or unintentionally. This week's contest, also suggested by Stanley, is to come up with some entertainingly awful things that a Job's comforter might offer, as in the examples above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a T-shirt from the printer of the super new Loser T-Shirt, Roger Caldwell of San Francisco, owner of CreativeOrigins.com. The shirt says "Creative Origins: Nice, Friendly People." Underneath that is a very cool-looking mosaic-type picture of a very un-nice, unfriendly face. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 24. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 589, in which we asked you to combine the beginning of one word in the Dec. 19 Style Invitational with the end of another word, and define the result. Lots of you chose to use the beginning of "penitentiary." Hahaheeheetittertitteryawn. Too easy. No ink for you. Third runner-up: Econo-ball: New Year's Eve at Denny's. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Second runner-up: Feel-ibuster: The most dreaded relationship tactic: the three-hour "we need to talk" talk. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) First runner-up, the winner of the "Christmas With the Kranks" stocking, complete with genuine coal: Begin-ity: The other end of infinity. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 24. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 589, in which we asked you to combine the beginning of one word in the Dec. 19 Style Invitational with the end of another word, and define the result. Lots of you chose to use the beginning of "penitentiary." Hahaheeheetittertitteryawn. Too easy. No ink for you. Third runner-up: Econo-ball: New Year's Eve at Denny's. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Second runner-up: Feel-ibuster: The most dreaded relationship tactic: the three-hour "we need to talk" talk. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) First runner-up, the winner of the "Christmas With the Kranks" stocking, complete with genuine coal: Begin-ity: The other end of infinity. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) And the winner of the Inker: Fester-day: The day after the day that you were too busy to take a shower. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Honorable Mentions: God-weiser: The King of Kings of Beers. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Insan-el: Superman's uncle, the one nobody talks about. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Sim-lehem: The new Nativity-themed ride at Disney World. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Lust-buster: Curlers, a woolen dressing gown and a half-smoked cigarette stuck to the lower lip. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) Candi-hind: A sweet dish. (Tom Witte) Gross-flict: Hit with a digitally propelled booger. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Lust-sis: Sibling ribaldry. (Chris Doyle, Freeport, Bahamas) Mo-lished: Put together; antonym of "demolished." (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Need-orable: Pathetic-looking enough to appear in a Sally Struthers commercial. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk) Pain-ty: Underwear that's a size too small. (Fred S. Souk, Reston) Act-weiser: A condescending drunk. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Be-ble: The first take of Barbra Streisand's most famous song, made before she got over her cold. (Michelle Stupak) Tac-lehem: A little trick that French fashion designers use before sending the model out on the runway.(Dave Prevar) Tilt-ville: Setting for the rock opera "Tommy." (Roy Ashley, Washington) Under-nosed: Being kissed up to. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Begin-sanity: What a lot of people are hoping for on Jan. 20, 2009. (Michelle Stupak) Screw-ple: A moral or ethical restraint that you're willing to overlook if it helps you get her into bed. (Brendan Beary) Be-mered: Run over by a yuppie. (Jeff Brechlin) Kiss-mas: A bussman's holiday. (Chris Doyle) Bud-able: A prepackaged combination of beer and pretzels. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Cov-bort: To decide not to hit on thy neighbor's wife. (Ned Bent) Bud-Bout: The new beer commercial premiering during the NBA All- Star Game. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Lie-atollahs: A crock of Shiites. (Chris Doyle) Can-gestion: When cranberry sauce or tomato paste gets stuck coming out. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk) Micro-rection: The leading explanation for the continued popularity of overpriced sports cars. (Niels Hoven, Berkeley, Calif.) Cellu-cede: A tacky name for a discount sperm bank. (Veggo Larsen, Barboursville, Va.) Sod-bath: Burial. "Well, Gramps lived a long life, but it was time for the ol' sod-bath." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Christ-ington: The religious right really HAS taken over the government. (Beverly Miller, North Clarendon, Vt.) Dub-ologues: Press conferences in which no questions are taken. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Sim-ble: A really stupid drummer. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Spread-ble: The press secretary's job description. (Michelle Stupak) Circum-sliiiiiiiiiide: Malpractice at a bris. (Joe Neff, Oreland, Pa.) Tex-onomy: An orderly classification of plants and animals, from the yellow rose to the longhorn. (Chris Doyle) Crisp-itentiary: Death Row. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station; Brendan Beary) Dead-Dio: Nietzsche has finally been translated into Spanish. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W. Va.) He-mon: Member of the Jamaican weightlifting team. (Jeff Covel, Arlington) Demo-stan: The new country that forms when the blue states secede. (Michelle Stupak) Dream-void: A nocturnal omission. (Chris Doyle) Flop-son: Edsel Ford. (Tom Witte) Free-ture: The extra movie you sneak into after you've seen the one you paid for at the multiplex. (Michelle Stupak) Gross-ority: The sweathogs of Sigma Chi. (Chris Doyle) Ho-mestic: A prostitute who does windows. (Chris Doyle) Micro-raq: A AA-cup. (Tom Witte) Pa-nymous: When Ma doesn't know who the daddy is. (Cecil J. Clark, Arlington) Pseu-dolph: The new-nose reindeer. (Tom Witte) Demo-lay: Has sex ed in schools gone too far? (Michelle Stupak) Unexpected-nuts: Wardrobe malfunction at men's gymnastic events. (Jeff Brechlin) Vo-mittee: A work group that spews out report after report. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Invita-position: Just an idea for a really interesting contest. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) Won-tonpost.com: The Web site that leaves you wanting more news an hour later. (Chris Doyle) And Last: Guan-ologues: The annals of the Style Invitational. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis) Next Week: Send Us the Bill, or Act-Finding Mission ====================================================================== WEEK 594, published January 23, 2005 Week 594 History Loves Company The Donner Party expedition, brought to you by Slim Jim{T}{M}! "If they'd only had some Slim Jim meat sticks . . ." The Salem Witch Trials, brought to you by Duraflame! The Saga of John Wayne Bobbitt, brought to you by Snap-On Tools! This week's contest, suggested by Tom Ponton of Columbia, is pretty clear from the examples above: Name an appropriate corporate sponsor for some historical event or for someone's life story. Note that it's pretty easy to come up with entries for this challenge, so bear in mind that yours will have to be especially novel and clever to ensure that 50 other people don't send the same one (see below). First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a bottle of "1959er Erbacher Honigberg Spatlese" Riesling that was given to Emilie Bruchon of Arlington by her grandfather, who brought it back from Germany years ago. Unfortunately the cork is broken and so the contents are worthless, rendering it an appropriate Loser reward. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 31. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phil Frankenfeld of Washington. Report from Week 590, our biennial contest to produce "joint legislation" by combining the names of outgoing and incoming members of Congress. As usual, we received enormous e-bags of e-mail overflowing with entries, many of them similar; sometimes a commonly submitted combination still got ink by virtue of clever wording. Among the many funny but too frequent entries were the Poe- Nethercutt-Cleaver Circumcision Regulatory Act, the Kuhl-Frost-Burr bill to reduce global warming, and the Jindal-Bell-Schrock Act to prevent tipsy Christmas caroling. These do not include the ton of inspired work like (this is verbatim) "the Moore-Green-Bean bill to subsidize green bean farmers." If the entry you sent, however, is the exact duplicate of one that appears below, the Empress suggests that you write your congressman. Note: Over the years, this contest has tended to produce a higher than usual don't-get-it rate among readers. The trick is to say the entries out loud a few times. Okay, we'll translate one somewhat challenging winner for you: Nickles-Dunn-McKinney-Dent is "Nickels don't make any dent." For the rest, you're on your own. Remember, "Ose" is pronounced "oh-see," "Bereuter" is "bee-writer," and "Melancon" is roughly "melan-sahn." Third Runner-Up: Ose-McHenry-Burns bill to promote new, pithy lyrics to "The Star- Spangled Banner." (Fred S. Souk, Reston) Second Runner-Up: The Hill-Bean bill to . . . oh, it doesn't matter. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up, the winner of the CD of the Style Invitational Losers "singing" some of the Week 589 Christmas carol parodies: The Foxx-Stenholm resolution, stating that no daughter of mine is leaving the house dressed like that. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the winner of the Inker: Poe-John-Dunn-Barrow-Nickles-Fortenberry-Breaux Bill for regulation of funeral costs. (Angela Murphy-Walters, Accokeek) Honorable Mentions: The Moore-Carson-Hill Act replacing the Capitol steps with a multilevel parking garage. (Mark Eckenweiler, Washington) The Kuhl-Miller Draft Reinstatement Act (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria) The Inglis-Schrock-Costa-Nickles Act, to purchase Gibraltar cheap from Great Britain. (Chris Doyle, Freeport, Bahamas) The Burr-Dunn-DeMint bill requiring U.S. coins to be redesigned every six months. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk) The Nethercutt-Greenwood-Vitter-Cleaver bill to promote logging safety. (Erich Snoke, Stafford) The Mack-Inglis-Moore-Boren Act expanding the FCC's indecency penalties to cover such expletives as "Dang!" and "Gee willikers!" (Mark Eckenweiler) The Davis-Isakson bill to condense the Old Testament by removing a bunch of extra generations. (Jerry Ewing, Orlando) The Ose-Melancon-Foxx bill to finance extended lunch breaks for construction crews. (Virginia M. Friedman, Philadelphia) The Vitter-Breaux-Graham bill to motivate you to get serious, start paying attention and join us.(Mira J. Koplovsky, Washington) The Moore-Jindal-Obama bill to establish a distillery in Mobile. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) The Tauzin-Lipinski Act to find a cure for foot-in-mouth disease. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.; Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) The Cleaver-Dunn-Toomey Resolution in honor of Abby and Andrew Borden. (Peter Metrinko) The Kuhl-Breaux-Boren-Poe bill to fund poetry slams for young rappers. (Beverly Miller, North Clarendon, Vt.) Davis-Moore-Boren-Toomey resolution in appreciation of Jay Leno. (Jeffrey Scharf, Burke) The Greenwood-Burns-Poe bill to prevent chimney fires. (Stephen Dudzik) The John-Breaux-Cleaver Act to mandate some necessary maintenance in the Senate washroom. (Brendan Beary) The Goss-Edwards-Toomey Law, requiring anyone claiming to be receiving directions from the Almighty to provide material proof. (Brendan Beary) The Moore-Boren-Nickles bill to replace Thomas Jefferson's likeness with Millard Fillmore's. (Kurt Stahl, Frederick) The John-Edwards-Costa-Toomey Election Reform Act. (J.F. Kerry, Washington) (Russell Beland, Springfield) The Burr-Davis Act requiring common animals to be referred to by their Latin names. (Brendan Beary) The Kuhl-Majette Bill to promote, you know, just hanging out. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church; Teri Chism, Winchester, Va.) The Smith-Breaux bill to limit Medicare drug coverage to cough drops. (Chris Doyle) The Fitzgerald-Bereuter resolution Declaring Gatsby to be "Not So Great." (Russell Beland) The Moore-Collins bill to increase participation on radio talk shows. (Kyle Hendrickson) The Ose-Westmoreland-Burns bill to provide forest-fire aid to California. (Corey Reid, Gaithersburg) The Price-Bereuter bill to make Bob Barker's birthday a national holiday. (Brent McBurney, Alexandria) The Cleaver-Melancon-Toomey bill to support breast donation surgery. (Virginia M. Friedman) The Nickles-Dunn-McKinney-Dent resolution rejecting the idea of collecting deposit bottles to reduce the federal deficit. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) The Burr-Stenholm Act to repeal the Fourth Amendment in cases of national security. (Chris Doyle) The Burr-Poe-Bell bill expressing resounding support for fast food. (Kyle Hendrickson) The Green-Salazar-Boren Meat Industry Promotion Bill (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.; Dave Zarrow) The John-Fitzgerald and Quinn-Fitzpatrick Act endorsing gay marriages. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Edwards-Breaux-John-Fitzgerald-Dunn-Moore-Foxx Joint Report on Infidelity in the Kennedy Family. (Russell Beland) Dunn-Turner-Cuellar Bill authorizing funding to study effects of incest in the Deep South. (Angela Murphy-Walters; Dave Hanlon, Gainesville) The Moore-Marchant-Dunn-Conaway Act limiting the expansion of Wal- Mart. (Stephanie Thomas, Arlington) The McCaul-Costa-DeMint bill to limit roaming charges. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) The Turner-Lampson Wet T-Shirt Day bill. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Poe-Conaway Bordello Establishment Act. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And Last: The Smith-Carnahan-Boren-Toomey Bill to restrict the number of times the same contestants can win newspaper contests. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Next Week: Dead Letters, or Reaper Madness ====================================================================== WEEK 595, published January 30, 2005 Week 595 Listing Precariously Playgrounds-Plumbing: Make bath time fun every night! Rental-Reporters: The memo line on Armstrong Williams's pay stub Paternity-Patio: Where you set up that inviting hammock This week's contest was suggested by Peter Metrinko of Chantilly, who gets zero credit because it turns out we've done this contest before. It was eight years ago, though; let's do it again: Take the two subject listings at the top of any page of the Yellow Pages and create a definition for the compound word they form. You may use it in a sentence if you like. Be sure to tell us which edition of the Yellow Pages you are using; the examples above are taken from the Verizon 2004 Yellow Pages, Southern Prince George's County edition. The Washington Post's newsroom library has an amazingly comprehensive set of directories from all over. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives "Think You're the Only One? Oddball Groups Where Outsiders Fit In." This new book by Intrepid Loser Seth Brown introduces readers to several dozen unusual organizations, from American Coaster Enthusiasts to the XXX Church ("The Number One Christian Porn Site on the Internet") and including . . . the Losers of The Style Invitational! Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 7. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 591, our annual obit-poem contest: Second Runner-Up: Answering machine inventor Joseph Zimmerman "Hi, this is St. Peter. I'm out at the moment So leave me your name at the bell." "This is Zimmerman, Joseph. I made this machine, I'm so glad to reach you and not Hell."(Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) First Runner-Up, the winner of the Summer 2004 Washington Social Register: Kinky girls in droves he bunked; Now Rick James is quite defunked. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) And the winner of the Inker: For Tony Randall, shed a tear; It seems a tad unjust That Felix Unger, gone from here, Returneth now to dust. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Honorable Mentions: Firefighter Red Adair The fire burned in Red Adair Till well into his eighties; Now Satan's scared, 'cause Red might care To douse the fire in Hades. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Arafat once won the Prize But never won the peace. Now he might (though not in sight) Succeed by his decease. (Luke Currano, Columbia) Geoffrey Beene's survivors are beset with second-guessing: "We could have saved him if we'd put him in that silk cravat And double-breasted linen suit disaster by Armani -- How often he would say we'd never catch him dead in that!" (Brendan Beary) Jan Berry of Jan & Dean Upon the crooked path of life At last he failed to swerve, And now Dean's erstwhile partner Jan Has rounded Dead Man's Curve. (Mark Eckenwiler) Marlon Brando No more tix for new flix can we buy on Fandango, For Brando has finally danced his Last Tango. (Manuel Smith, Silver Spring) To see you in "The Wild One" I played hooky when 11. May the angels find a way To squeeze you into Heaven. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Brando coulda stayed a contenda If he'd used a little more Splenda. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) Julia Child is dead and gone, Along with her boeuf bourguignon. I will miss her cassoulet, Her light and airy cheese souffle. I hope that Heaven's security frisk Will let her keep her wire whisk. (Ron Mayer, Columbia) Marjorie Courtenay-Latimer's fish Granted a paleontologist's wish. She found a real coelacanth That made biologists wet their panth. (Jack Cackler) One good thing about Alistair Cooke: You never had to read the book. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Rodney Dangerfield On the stone at his grave An inscription is cut: Rodney, Comic and Knave. R.I.P. (Curb your mutt.) (Chris Doyle, Honolulu) Francis Crick The Wooster to his Jeeves, The Oscar to his Felix, Poor Dr. Watson grieves: He's lost the double to his helix. (Brian Barrett, New York) Arthur Hailey I just loved "Roots," I gotta say, Your views on Man so true . . . Oh, wait, that was the other guy? Well I guess he's dead, too. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) The Treasure House stands empty now; no Moose, no Bunny Rabbit, No Tom Terrific (or his dog) will there again inhabit. It seems Bob Keeshan has forever left that famed redoubt; How sad for Captain Kangaroo: Grandfather Clock's run out. (Bob Dalton) Elisabeth Kubler-Ross We can't believe you had to die, It makes us kind of mad. Oh, what we'd do to bring you back! We're really rather sad. But that's life, I guess. Too bad. (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) Estee Lauder Lipstick, rouge and beauty creams (for women's dollars vying) Can do a lot to keep you young But can't keep you from dying. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Janet Leigh I tremble at the alchemy, the transcendental power That kept you moving 40 years since dying in that shower. (Jeff Brechlin) What a family tradition that Janet Leigh started! She showed how a psycho might hurt us. Then her kid did the same with that guy Michael Myers. (Of course, I mean Jamie Lee Curtis.) (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) Combination Farewell to Helmut Newton and Richard Avedon, To Eileen Darby Lester, Henri Cartier-Bresson, Scavullo, too -- photographers departed left and right, All exiting the darkroom and heading toward the light. (Brendan Beary) More Honorable Mentions from Week 591 of The Style Invitational, poems about those who died in 2004: Yasser Arafat: Yasser's powers must still be legion, Who else's death might save a region? (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase) Marlon Brando: Marlon, you were one stud, fella', Callin' out for your dear Stella. But you really lost your aura Callin' out for Stella Dora. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Francis Crick: After 88 years his body's gone flaccid, But we still got his deoxyribonucleic acid. (Craig Pelz, Denver) Jacques Derrida Old Derrida was dea(le)d a hand That took him from our go(o)dly land. His work pa(ren)thetical some may still mock, But post-mo(der)nism must now be post-Jacques. (Seth Brown, No(rth) (A)dam(s) (M)ass.) Bob Keeshan: Dear departed Kangaroo, On your program up we grew, Kind to kids, not once a grouch, From the day you left the pouch. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: Each Sunday when I turn to Style, My first reaction's oft denial. Then staring at the second page, My feelings quickly turn to rage. Was there a problem with my jargon? (How many T-shirts should I bargain With the Empress to get an Inker?) Depressed my entry was such a stinker, I finally, heeding Kubler-Ross, Reluctantly accept my loss. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) Russ Meyer Traditional heaven has angels in gowns, playing harps as they sit on cloud crests. But in Russ Meyer's heaven, the angels are nude and endowed with magnificent breasts. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) "Madge the Manicurist" Jan Miner You're motionless. We're lotionless. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) O.D.B., self-styled bitch-slapper, Caught a beatdown from the Grim Rapper. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Theo van Gogh In the land of weed and ho, Lived a great-great-nephew of van Gogh. He made a film about the lives Of Muslims who abuse their wives. This got him stabbed; he fell and died. "A senseless crime!" a nation cried. Still, his final words, "Hyawhack khawkhuuuhkh," At last show us how to say "van Gogh." (Landon Gildar, Amsterdam) Although it seemed different You must understand: Fay Wray had that ape In the palm of her hand. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Rick James, Christopher Reeve, Ron O'Neal We lost Super Freak, Superman and Superfly 2004: The year of the Super Die. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And Last: Down three games, winning four in a row; There cannot be anything worse; To the Series the Sox would go; This Yankees fan mourns for the Curse. (Stephen Gaull, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 596, published February 6, 2005 Week 596: Take Her Words for It My wife knows her gas is clever ammunition: If she is unhappy, all she has to do is make a flame! This week's contest: Use the words of this week's Ask Amy advice column (at right), as a pool from which to compose your own useful (or useless) thoughts, as in the example above. You can't alter the words except to ignore or change capitalization and punctuation, including hyphens and apostrophes. You may use a single word as many times as it is used in the passages (e.g., you could use "the" up to 12 times). First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives, direct from New Delhi courtesy of Loser Robin Diallo, "Khushwant Singh's Joke Book No. 1" and a comic book called, we swear, Tinkle Digest. They are in English. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 14. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 592, in which we asked for various types of humor playing off the Super Bowl. You can see this evening how close your absurd ideas came to the actual absurd event. The most commonly submitted tasteless idea: Have the fans do "the tsunami" instead of "the wave." Third runner-up: "Improvements" to the game: Extend the use of Roman numerals beyond just the game number: "It's III and IX on their own XLIV-yard line . . . oops, that's gonna be a XV-yard penalty! (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second runner-up: During-the-game sponsors: Right after the third quarter, have a dozen monstrous SUVs come roaring down the stadium aisles and into the seats, scattering people like duckpins. Then Jack Bauer of "24" leaps out and points some obscene phallic weapon at everyone and begins screaming at them all to "GET DOWN! GET DOWN TO YOUR DEALER NOW!" So not only is it an ad for a new suburban assault vehicle, it's also a tie-in for Fox! (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) First runner-up, the winner of the three dozen pairs of Groucho glasses: Improvements to the game: Like in baseball, have the president do the opening kickoff. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) And the winner of the Inker: Commercial: View of a man's back as he holds something underneath a Clydesdale. Sound of liquid splashing into a metal bucket. Second scene: A man wearing a Miller Brewing Co. cap says proudly: "That's not how we make OUR beer." (Peter Larsen, Williston, Vt.) Honorable Mentions Commercials we'd like (or wouldn't like) to see: Middle-aged man and woman get ready for bed, setting the alarm clock, woman taking off her makeup. "Viagra. When you can't think of a fantasy." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Mock halftime show: Justin Timberlake reaches over to rip Janet Jackson's shirt, revealing a purple bra. He pulls and tears at it, but it stays on. "Maidenform. Our wardrobes don't malfunction." (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Hilary Duff buys a Diet Pepsi from a machine outside a gas station. She distracts a man who walks into traffic and gets hit by a bus. But it's okay! He's a terrorist who harmlessly explodes. Hilary sips her Diet Pepsi and smiles in vacuous triumph. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Dick Van Dyke, Dick Clark and Dick Van Patten, each with a sexy young woman on his arm. Voice-over: Take it from a bunch of old . . . guys: Viagra really works. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) The Oval Office, softly lit. President Bush sits at his desk, with Donald Rumsfeld leaning over him discussing the budget. Voice- over: "If a relaxing moment turns into the right moment . . . [Bush and Rumsfeld share a look] will you be ready?" Bush and Rumsfeld grab hands and together press a red button on the desk. Cut to an image of a B-2 bombing a Middle Eastern country. "Northrop Grumman" appears on the screen, along with the warning: "Although a rare occurrence, insurrections lasting more than two years require immediate U.N. assistance." (Andrew Goldberg, Potomac) The Pepto-Bismol commercial in which actors do a Macarena-like dance acting out nausea, heartburn, diarrhea, etc., goes about 2 percent further: The actors actually vomit, HAVE diarrhea . . . (Cheryl Furst, Falls Church) A Mini Cooper pulls into a tiny parking space in two maneuvers. The driver steps out, admires his work and strolls off. A Hummer pulls up abreast of the Mini, hesitates, and then backs up onto the Mini and the car behind it, crushing both. The driver steps out, admires her work and walks off. Voice-over: "Hummer drivers never double-park." (Chris Doyle, Kailua-Kona, Hawaii) "See this quarterback? He makes more money in a year than you'll make in your life. But he doesn't have Sure-Safe security systems. Here's his home address, and his away-game schedule . . . (Seth Brown) Why not combine the two products most often advertised during the Super Bowl: "Studweiser Blue. With that special added ingredient, you'll see wazzup every time. And for platonic relationships, try Studweiser Light." (Ron Mayer, Columbia; Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Series of shots: Immense home. Two people at a restaurant, the table loaded with food. A closet stuffed with clothes. Teen wearing headphones, playing video game, talking on cell phone. Finally a shot from the very back of a cavernous Ford Excursion, a woman driving with one child. "Ford SUVs. Way more than you possibly need. The American way." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Focus on two men in the stands watching the game. As the game progresses, they keep drinking beer. The first man keeps going to the restroom, standing in long lines, missing big plays; the second man just keeps sitting and smiling. "Depends. Never miss a moment." (Paula Rubinoff, Oakton) "Hey, Mark Brunell! You just watched the Super Bowl from your living room after signing a $43 million contract as a 34-year-old quarterback with a spaghetti arm AND the mobility of a refrigerator AND leading the Redskins to a losing record! What are you gonna do now?" "I'M GOING TO LEISURE WORLD!" (Bob Dalton, Arlington, who's not bitter or anything) Halftime entertainment Have Michael Jackson sing at halftime, and have Justin Timberlake reach over and "accidentally" pull off his nose. (John Kammer, Herndon; Seth Brown) A tribute to soldiers! Dress people up in military uniforms from different countries throughout history. Uniforms from China, uniforms from Greece, uniforms from the Afrika Korps . . . (Harry Windsor, London) (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) How about a rousing halftime tribute to a player who was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame 20 years ago -- O.J. Simpson? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) During-the-Game Sponsors To show support for the war effort, Budweiser sponsors a Let's All Get Bombed promotion during which all beer in the stadium is free. (John Kammer) "Improvements" to the game and its coverage: Dress the refs in togas and have them announce penalties in the manner of a Greek chorus: "And thus did he who received the projectile abandon the Ways of Olympus, seeking Glory of the Self in a most offensive celebration; and as such, he shall suffer the Yellow Pennant, and his team shall forgo 15 yards on the ensuing kickoff." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) The Alberto Gonzales Worst Call of the Day (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Players must be dressed in the costumes of their team mascot. (Seth Brown) After the game, winners of a special lottery will be allowed to go on the field to throw cups of beer at players from the losing team. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Run a crawler message at the bottom of the screen during commercials updating viewers on the game. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Next Week: Take This, Job, and ... or Pity Pity Bang Bang ====================================================================== WEEK 597, published February 13, 2005 Week 597: Eccchsibits The Spa Museum. A collection of devices and products used by Americans trying to look sleek but unwilling to exercise or eat right. The exhibits are viewed from a moving sidewalk. The PETA Anti-Zoo Zoo. A fascinating look at the other side of zoo life, including footage of animals engaged in obsessive- compulsive behavior, footage of famous animal rampages and a documentary about children making hideous faces at animals (or is it hideous children making faces at animals?). Seen enough of the neutered bull elephant and the first ladies' dresses? Peter Metrinko of Chantilly suggests that you come up with some alternative museums and exhibits for the nation's capital, as in the examples he supplies above. Obviously, entertaining and clever descriptions are going to win out in this contest over the nice mere germs of ideas that sometimes manage to get ink in these columns. First-prize winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a heavy glass polyhedral paperweight, nestled in a lavish latched velvet box, bearing the name of Shin Ki-nam, chairman, Uri Party, Republic of Korea. This is truly a gorgeous item, and especially poignant since Mr. Shin no longer holds this post; he resigned last summer after revelations that his father was a collaborator during the Japanese occupation. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Feb. 22. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of, at the moment, Auckland, New Zealand. (Chris is continuing to send in entries from cyber-cafes around the planet as he makes an extended world tour. This is only one reason Chris has almost 600 blots of ink and you do not.) Report from Week 593, in which we asked for "Job's comforters," things that someone might say ostensibly to make another person feel better but wouldn't exactly do the trick. Almost everyone weighed in with some form of "You're much better in bed than your sister." Third Runner-Up: Look at it this way, Mia: At least your daughter married a movie star. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: You should be glad the parole board turned you down, because recidivism is really high these days. (Chris Doyle, Auckland, New Zealand) First Runner-Up, the winner of the scary T-shirt from the makers of the Loser T-Shirt: Oh, look, your tourniquet perfectly matches your shoes . . . er, shoe.(Cecil J. Clark, Arlington) And the winner of the Inker: I'm sure your husband will be fine. That's the same place where Mike Tyson did his time, and nobody bothered him. (Rob Poole, Ellicott City) Honorable Mentions: Sure, Joe, your wife's having someone else's baby. But at least she's still a virgin. (Russell Beland) I can't believe your husband ran off with the nanny. Oh well, at least you know she'll be good with your kids if he marries her. (April Musser, Atlanta) On the bright side, how many sons know the difference between a triple salchow, a triple lutz and a triple toe loop? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Hey, security cameras put five pounds on everybody. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Do they make you look fat? Absolutely not -- I'm sure you'd look way fatter without them. (Russell Beland) I hear the governor refused the stay of execution. Oh, boy, are you ever gonna eat well tonight! (Chris Doyle) At least with that look, nobody's going to think you're an airhead. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Aw, that's not true, I think your baby's cute -- he looks like a little Woody Allen. (Monica Mikulski, Potomac) So what if you lost by 30 points -- even if you'd lost by just 1, you'd still be a loser. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) I know you're upset that your wife left you to be with a woman. But just think, those fantasies of yours are probably coming true right now! (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk) You think paying bail for your kid was expensive -- think of what that first year at Yale is doing to my bank account! (Karen Shimansky, Emmitsburg, Md.) At least being sent to Guantanamo means you'll be spared the embarrassment of a public trial. (Greg Pearson, Arlington) It's a shame about your cat, ma'am, but if you just hose out that wood chipper real good it'll run like new. (Greg McGrew, Leesburg) So that was your daughter in that porn video I saw? Oh, well, let me tell you that she was really good at what she was doing! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Look at it this way: Those five interceptions you threw were all completions! (Richard Lempert, Arlington) Look on the bright side, Adam: Once you're done toiling in the field, I'll make you a great apple pie. (Laura Shumar, Lafayette, Ind.) I know you're sad that your mom's aged so poorly. But hey, she looked great when she was young -- just like you. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Too bad about that poisoned soup, President Yushchenko. At least the whole world recognizes your face. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) She got the promotion over you? Well, only you got to sleep with the boss. (Chris Doyle) Ha, those fools don't realize they'll have to hire an entire hutful of kids to do your job. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) Hey, in a few more years you won't even notice your Alzheimer's. (Russell Beland) Aw, come on, honey -- I really do want us to work through whatever you were bitching about this time. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) You know, if we could have kept on just one more employee. . . . (Russell Beland) Hey, troops, don't feel bad about not finding any WMDs. I got reelected anyway. (G.W.B., Washington) (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Sure, you're dead, but at least first you got a little ru-ru. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) "The chance that any one of us will perish in a tidal wave, hurricane, earthquake or other natural calamity is very, very low. . . . A person is more likely to die by falling from a tall building, slipping in the bathtub or being legally executed." (The Washington Post, Jan. 16) (Jeff Evan, Millsboro, Del.) And Last: Hey, Empress, you know how we are always having that battle where I accuse you of favoring just-clever over funny, and you accuse me of favoring just-funny over clever? Well, we won't have to fight this week! Because these aren't funny or clever! (The Czar (Ret.), Ekaterinburg) Next Week: History Loves Company, or A World From Our Sponsor ====================================================================== WEEK 598, published February 20, 2005 Week 598: Site Gags Name for a cafeteria at a law firm: The Chum Bucket Name for a cafeteria at the White House: The Undisclosed Location Name for a cafeteria at The Washington Post: The Meaty Dish This week's contest comes from Marc Leibert of New York, who sent it to the Empress when his law firm was changing buildings and setting up a new cafeteria. Your challenge: Come up with an appropriate name for a cafeteria -- or a meeting room, or an employee lounge, or some other workplace spot -- for a particular institution, as in the examples above. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a fabulous genuine 1926 copy of the book "Constipation," by the flamboyant health nut Bernarr Macfadden, who is pictured topless at age 56, and we can tell you that he is one very buff and no doubt unconstipated 56- year-old. This book was donated to The Style Invitational by Fred Dawson of Beltsville. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 28. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 20. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of North Adams, Mass. Report From Week 594, in which we asked for appropriate (or inappropriate) corporate sponsorships of historical events or of people's life stories: Submitted proudly by dozens of Losers were such pairings as the O.J. Simpson Case by Isotoner; the French Revolution by Duncan Hines; the building of the Pyramids by Amway; the Eruption of Pompeii by Shake 'n Bake; and, from a remarkable number of really shameful, shameless people, the Tsunami by Ocean Spray ("Catch the Wave"). The Empress almost gave ink to such biography sponsors as Cap'n Crunch for "The Joseph Hazelwood Story" and the Gap for "The Life of Rose Mary Woods," but was informed at the last minute by goody- goody Mark Eckenwiler of Washington that we had run a similar contest 11 years ago on Week 52 (the results of which he supplied). Those entries were rewarded back then. Thank you, Mark. Hope nobody shoves you against your locker. If you don't know what historical events some of the winners refer to, well, go look them up. After all, the raison d'etre of The Style Invitational is edification, don't you know. Third runner-up: The Randy Moss Incident, brought to you by Bear Stearns.(Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Second runner-up: The Evander Holyfield Story, brought to you by Tyson Chicken Bites. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) First runner-up, the winner of the 1959 white wine with the broken cork: The Alfred Packer Expedition, brought to you by Manwich. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) And the winner of the Inker: The French Revolution, brought to you by Pez. (Jennifer LaFleur and Jim Getz, Dallas) Honorable Mentions: The Marion Barry Story, brought to you by 9Lives. (Marcy Alvo, Annandale) The Strom Thurmond Story, brought to you by Pop-Secret. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa; Chris Doyle, Turangi, New Zealand) The Rowan and Martin Story, brought to you by BP. (Marty McCullen) The Bill Clinton Depositions, brought to you by Depends. (Brent McBurney, Alexandria; Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Gloria Steinem's Wedding, sponsored by Mrs. Paul's and Schwinn. (Jeff Boulier, Fairfax; Pam Sweeney, Germantown) The Bush-Gore Election Snafu, brought to you by Lever 2000. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The Success of Jeb Bush, brought to you by Hasbro. (Mike Cisneros; Kyle Hendrickson, Kissimmee, Fla.) The Life of Captain Kidd, brought to you by IHOP. (Mike Cisneros) The Secret of Typhoid Mary, brought to you by Carrier. (Chris Doyle) The Life of Dracula, brought to you by Sprite: "Image is nothing. Thirst is everything." (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) The 1814 sacking and torching of Washington, brought to you by the Dallas Cowboys. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) In Search of the Garden of Eden, brought to you by Microsoft. "See what misery befalls humankind when it fools around with an Apple." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) The Alfred Dreyfus affair, brought to you by Jacuzzi. (Chris Doyle) The Voyage of Admiral Zheng, brought to you by Unix. (Sean Bezdicek, Minneapolis) The Rodney King incident, brought to you by Blockbuster Video. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) The Glory of Hank Aaron's 715th Home Run, brought to you by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America. (Ron Jackson, Chevy Chase) Navigating the Erie Canal, by the American College of Obstetricians & Gynecologists. (Fred S. Souk, Reston) The Tragic Death of Marilyn Monroe, brought to you by Pillsbury. (Bob Dalton) The Alamo, brought to you by Texas Toast. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) The Desertion of Charles Robert Jenkins, brought to you by Pepsodent: "You'll wonder where the yellow went!" (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) The Birth of Jesus, brought to you by Miracle-Gro. (Teri Chism, Winchester; Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Tales From the Raj, brought to you by White Rain. (Erich Snoke, Stafford) The Paul Reubens Story, brought to you by PalmOne. (Brent McBurney) The Siege of Troy, brought to you by Durex: Outlasting Trojans day and night. (Greg Gorman, Takoma Park) Up Close and Personal with Tomas de Torquemada, brought to you by Tie Rack. (Mark Eckenwiler) The Louisiana Purchase, brought to you by Best Buy. (Mike Bezdicek, Pasadena, Calif.) The evolution of human intelligence, brought to you by Nunn Bush. (Chris Doyle) The McCarthy Era, sponsored by Red Bull. (Mike Elliott, Oak Park, Ill.; Brendan Beary) The Discovery of Penicillin, brought to you by the Clapper. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) The Ted Williams Story, brought to you by Prestone. (Mike Donovan, Hudson, Ohio) The story of Catherine the Great, brought to you by Barnes & Noble. (Mike Elliott) The Life of Vlad Tepes of Romania, brought to you by Impala. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The Divorce of Brad and Jennifer, brought to you by Liberty Mutual. (Elden Carnahan) The 2004 Presidential Election, brought to you by Country Crock. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) The Linda Lovelace Story, brought to you by the Pure Protein energy bar. (Paul Kocak) The Career of Charo, brought to you by Wrigley. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) The Life and Times of Cher, brought to you by the makers of Mr. Potato Head. (Eric Murphy, Chicago) Queen Elizabeth's 53rd year as queen in 2005, brought to you by StarKist Tuna: "Sorry, Charlie!" (Jane Auerbach) The Iraq Wars, AIDS, the Exxon Valdez, the Extinction of the Dinosaurs, and Game 6 of the 1986 World Series, all sponsored by Halliburton. (J.F. Kerry, Boston; Darren Timothy, Bristow, Va.) Next Week: Listing Precariously, or Hyphonation ====================================================================== WEEK 599, published February 27, 2005 Week 599 So What's the News? This week's contest: Style Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake has been contributing to The Washington Post for more than a decade. But in all those years under contract to this fine newspaper, he has never been called to illustrate actual news. Until now. Bob has sent us these illustrations of the world's events. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell us what the events are. Please help. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a really weird bright orange cloth belt emblazoned with random but totally misspelled titles of Rolling Stones songs, such as "Ruby Tcesday" and "Get Off Df Hycolud," sent to us from New Delhi by Wandering Loser Robin Diallo. This prize is clearly more fabulous than you deserve, but the Empress is occasionally given to bouts of wanton generosity. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 7. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 595, in which we asked you to take a hyphenated heading from the top of a page of the Yellow Pages and define it. Among the almost 2,000 entries the Empress received were headings drawn from Dave Ferry's 49-pager in Purvis, Miss.; a 1985 directory from Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea; and this note accompanying the entries of Loser Chris Doyle, currently in New Zealand during a world tour with his wife: "On the three-hour ferry from Wellington to the south island's Picton . . . I found fifteen NZ phone books on a shelf for passengers' use. I saw little of the crossing, which Karen later informed me was rather foggy." Fourth runner-up: Carpet-Catastrophic: The text message you don't want to receive from home when you're house-sitting a friend's very old dog. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Third runner-up: Cellular-Chalkboards: Wireless phones with particularly annoying ring tones. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Second runner-up: Banquet-Beauty: A euphemism for a plus- size woman. (Eric Murphy, Chicago) First runner-up, winner of Seth Brown's book that mentions the Style Invitational Losers: Piano-Pizza: An industry term for household pets that get in the way of furniture movers. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the winner of the Inker: House-Human: The token normal person at Michael Jackson's home. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Directory of Honorable Mentions: Advertising-Air: Touting a product when you already have a monopoly with no alternatives. "Seeing ads for U.S. postage stamps is like advertising-air." (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Alcohol-Apartments: Universities used to call these "dormitories." (Elden Carnahan) Artificial-Asphalt: Polenta. (Brendan Beary) Attorneys-Audiologists: Lawyers who guarantee they'll get you a hearing. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Automotive-Bail: What you'll have to pay if you're found parked on Constitution Avenue at 4:00:00.00001 p.m. on weekdays (Elden Carnahan) Balancing-Balloons: Silicone implants on just one side to "even things up." (Russell Beland) Billing-Blood: A loan shark's late payment fee. (Harold Kerr, Takoma Park) Brass-Brick: A minimum-wage gold-brick. (Russell Beland) Chiropractors-Christmas: A forecast of freezing rain and heavy, wet snow. (Brendan Beary) Curtain-Dancing: What burlesque queens resort to when they've lost the figure for fan-dancing. (Brendan Beary) Can-Car: Pulled by the Little Engine That Could (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Child-Duct: An FCC-acceptable euphemism for part of the female anatomy. (Pam Sweeney) Demolition-Dentists: Let us rearrange your mouth in a single visit. (Marty McCullen) Environmental-Escort: Ooh, I'll maketh you lie down in green pastures, big boy! (Harold Kerr) Foam-Foods: The nation's top supplier of airline meals. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Financial-Fire: For when cooking the books didn't work well enough. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Granite-Grocers: Specializing in those holiday fruitcakes. (Stevens R. Miller, Ashburn) Heating-Heliports: Starting next season, the only interjection the FCC will allow on broadcast television. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Internet-Inventors: What do you mean, plural? (A. Gore, Nashville) (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Iron-Jewelers: For the gift that tells her you'd tolerate her all over again. (Eric Murphy) Kitchen-Labor: Term of endearment likely to go over even less well than "the old ball and chain." (Russell Beland) Lawn-Lawyers: Little statues of guys in business suits holding attache cases -- for the discriminating homeowner who'd never have a lawn jockey. (Russell Beland) Lumber-Magicians: Your friends at Pfizer. (Michelle Stupak) Mattresses-Memorial: Hugh Hefner's already planning his grave site . . . (Les Greenblatt, Ann Arbor, Mich.) Movers-Moving and Nurses-Nursing: What I got on the 13th and 14th days of Christmas. (Kevin d'Eustachio, Linwood, N.J.) Paper-Parapsychologists: Practitioners who, instead of attending a rigorous school, simply got their parapsychology credentials from a diploma mill. (Russell Beland) Perforating-Pest: Build a more disgusting mousetrap, and . . . (Nancy Moore, Montgomery Village) Real-Refrigerators: A Food Network reality show featuring spur- of-the-moment dishes like Worcestershire Sauce and Two-Year-Old Olives Wrapped in Brown Lettuce. (Tom Kreitzberg) Rubber-Safe: Where the bank puts the bounced checks. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Radio-Ready: Less than photogenic: "That guy has a face that's radio-ready." (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Sewer-Sewing: The latest fad since extreme ironing competitions. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Sheet-Social: Code phrase for a KKK rally. (Eric Murphy) Stools-Storage: Label on a vault in Howard Hughes's home. (Pam Sweeney) Tree-Trophies: What beavers proudly display in their lodges. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Wedding-Welding: Up to 40 percent less likely to be put asunder! (Tom Cary, Hollywood, Md.) Women's-Zoning: A wife's rules for use of a house's public space. Seldom written down; usually enforced with a simple "You're not putting that in here, are you?" (Brendan Beary) Word Processing-Zoos: Where the monkeys who work on Shakespeare hang out. (Anne Lange, Arlington) Yacht-Zoos: Noah's three sons launch a successful business chain. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Next Week: Take Her Words for It, or Amy Which Way ====================================================================== WEEK 600, published March 6, 2005 Week DC: Top of the Inking The Secret Service orders the shooting down of pop flies. Presidents no longer have to travel to Baltimore to make fools of themselves on Opening Day. The percentage of city residents who use crack will decline as the percentage using steroids increases. We couldn't resist reverting to Roman numerals this week for a contest about Washington, where 2005 will be remembered -- barring the unspeakable -- as The Year Baseball Came Back. This week's contest: Tell us some ways that the city will change now that we have the Nationals, as in the examples above, which are by Russell Beland of Springfield. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets, for once, a really nice prize, courtesy of Loser Ken Gallant of Little Rock: an 8-by-10 photo taken outside the "Washington American League Base Ball Club" sometime in the mid-1920s; in the foreground, fans admire a trophy that honors either Washington's only World Series victory (1925) or the league victory. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 14. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 596, in which we asked you to rearrange some of the words from that day's Ask Amy advice column -- it concerned whether to confront a parent who was screaming at her child during skating practice -- to form some new thoughts. Some readers may have been a wee bit puzzled by the Empress's example for this contest, since most of its words, such as "gas" and "ammunition," were not exactly to be found in that Ask Amy column. So she accidentally used the next Sunday's column, okay? At least this week nobody sent in an entry that had the same joke as the example. Second runner-up: Dear Maegan: Mom and I are having a tough day, so don't come home. The neighbors have food. Scream if you have your child. -- Dad (Eric Murphy, Chicago) First runner-up, winner of the Indian joke book and comic book: For parents of young children, life is like a roller coaster, but with more screaming and throwing up. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) And the winner of the Inker: Many witnessed my public embarrassment, but it occurred to me to ask for a recount; people would have benefited (compassion -- that's my mantra). My challenge was a roller coaster that went on and on until I was stopped cold by an abrupt and awful result, made by a crazy group jokingly referred to as "adults." A tough day. Was it their place to intervene? I don't think so, but the impact of that changed my career forever. So I went home. (A. Gore, Nashville) (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: When in the Course of . . . . . . (people-something? act?) . . . it can become . . . just . . . Dear me, this is not as easy as I thought. (T. Jefferson, Charlottesville, Va.) (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) I'm losing my temper and no one stopped to help me look for it. (Alyson Yee, Arlington) I'm community college educated, and happy to. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Me, myself, and I. Me, myself and I. Not my parents. Not my children. Not neighbors, friends, or strangers. Never he, she, we, you, they. It's only me, me, me. Wow -- is this a scream for help or what? (Jeff Covel, Arlington) Tough break in that one, Coach. Now, I have to ask: Are you aware that you could use some help on offense, or is this just not the right career for someone as stupid as you? (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Do you drink enthusiastically? Is your life a roller coaster ride of throwing up in public and affectionate behavior with strangers? Wow, college is fun! Don't be shocked, parents. That used to be you. (Kurt Stahl, Frederick) Public parking is just not allowed on Sunday. What are you, crazy? And one more thing: We lose a lot. (D. Snyder, Potomac) (Russell Beland) I hope Tonya Harding stopped demonstrating the mantra "We all can use a break sometimes." (Barbara Hoss Schneider, Bowie) Screaming crazy responses in church can result in them throwing you out. But what fun -- and you can drink in the parking lot until your parents come to get you. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) I would not have experienced so much bullying if the other children hadn't seen Dad come to Career Day in Mother's things and with a painted face, and didn't get to hear him say, "I work Michigan Ave." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) A bully made an impression on me -- he stepped on my face. (Peter Metrinko) I am usually a three, but with no food and throwing up I can, maybe, get to be a one. It's important for my career. (C. Flockhart, Beverly Hills) (Russell Beland) Dear Amy: I have not stepped out of my home in three years. I am not socially experienced, and being in a public place is very trying. I know I have to get help, but how? -- Crazy at Home Dear Crazy: Perhaps I should not say so, but I was the same way. What I found is, you can not ever have anyone as affectionate and giving as food. It never humiliates or berates like people do. So what if I lose my figure, or people in Michigan can see my can when I'm in Chicago? The point is, I am happy. You should be also. (Brendan Beary) Don't point in public. Just scream and make fun of the stupid crazy people. (Eric Murphy) Children should be seen and not had. (Chris Doyle, Dunedin, New Zealand) I don't care to say "throwing up"; I like "abrupt food recall" more. (Russell Beland) I was once affectionate with a young woman, the neighbors' daughter. When I took her home, her mother attempted to intervene. Her daughter gently said, "Hey, Mom, if you think I'm that easy, why don't you get involved? You know -- group lessons?" I was shocked, but her mom directly offered to engage in "inappropriate behavior" - - regularly, enthusiastically, and with different objects! The impact of that made an impression on me. Or did I just imagine it? (Fred Rogers, Latrobe, Pa.) (Bob Dalton) Throwing young children in church is a fun way to get out your aggression. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) I am not dangerous to a daughter. Only a boy is food. (J. Dahmer, Hell) (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Don't you recognize that I'm a people-person, you stupid, crazy woman? (Russell Beland) "Mantra" is my mantra, as it is easy for me to recall. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) A group of stupid, dangerous skating-career bullies threw temper tantrums, and have now stopped skating. It's crazy! What is the point? And what to do? Maybe if enough people or their coach would intervene and berate these offending children, they would come to the rink, put on skates, demonstrating an important value: Skating is supposed to be fun. But the bullies didn't get it, so I went home. (NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, New York) (Bob Dalton) When I write about my but it humiliates me. (J.D. Quayle, Indianappolis) (Russell Beland) Dear Amy: I didn't have a dad as a child, and much of my adult life I was looking, in an inappropriate way, for that sort of figure. You could say I'm very "experienced" -- friends, neighbors, the parking lot boy, just about anyone. My behavior is an embarrassment but I don't know how to stop. -- EB Dear Easy: I'd like to get right to the point: What would you think about being with a woman? I can be called at 435-2005; I get out of work at three. (Brendan Beary) What are YOU looking at -- some stupid joke? Look to your right: Maybe "Ask Amy" can help you get a life. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) And Last: This is your mantra: Losing is the only thing. (Chris Doyle) ====================================================================== WEEK 601, published March 13, 2005 Week 601: Anticdotes One November I was at a dinner party at my boss's house. Dinner was running late, so I decided to grab a snack in a room off the foyer. Imagine my surprise when the boss stormed in with his tattletale kid, acting all "what do you think you're doing" this and "how dare you" that, just because I'd polished off the brat's stupid Halloween candy. You'd think the guy would thank me, what with all the news about obese kids. This week's contest (and example) come from Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who's an avid reader of The Washington Post Magazine's Editor's Query feature, which each week invites reader recollections of a given type of experience. Unfortunately for the Magazine, its ethics require that the recollections be true. The Style Invitational uses a different standard: the standard of "As long as it's funny and the Empress can't be sued." So: Give us an untrue anecdote in response to one of the actual Editor's Query topics below. Eighty words max. 1. Tell us about a disastrous or funny experience you had involving food. 2. Tell us about a moving act of kindness you experienced or witnessed. 3. Tell us about an event that prompted you to change your life. 4. Tell us about a time you overcame tremendous self-doubt. While respondents who get Magazine ink receive $50, the winner of this contest receives the infinitely more valuable Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. And first runner-up gets two genuine glass microscope slides containing cross sections of rat brain tissue, donated by Loser and former psych major Eric Murphy of Chicago. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 21. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of (as of next week) Kihei, Hawaii. Report from Week 597, in which we sought ideas for museums and exhibits as alternatives to Washington's same-olds. First, though, the Empress would like to report an e-mail entry she received Feb. 22, in the middle of the entry week for that contest: "Secretary of Logical Scientific Analysis, whose duty is to stand still for four more years and take the mushroom treatment (i.e., being kept in the dark embedded in excrement)." An odd museum exhibit, to be sure; it turned out to be an entry for Week 584 (new Cabinet posts) from Peter Fahey of Port Washington, N.Y. It was electronically dated Nov. 15, 2004. An actual snail could have brought it faster. Okay, give the guy a magnet. Third runner-up: The Myth of Rube Goldberg: This exhibit displays models of the famed cartoonist's intelligently designed window-cleaning, pencil-sharpening and picture-taking machines. The exhibit debunks the notion that Mr. Goldberg invented these machines himself: Given their complexity, they had to be created not by man or nature, but rather by an unspecified Guiding Force. Sponsored by the Dover, Pa., School Board.(Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Second runner-up: Museum of Crime Scene Police Tape: Move along, there's nothing to see here. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) First runner-up, the winner of the paperweight honoring the shamed Korean politician: The Museum of the Ordinary: A tribute to the dull, rote, workaday lives lived by the vast bulk of Americans. Exhibits include a three-bedroom, two-bath split-level, a four-year- old minivan, a secondhand spinet piano no one actually plays, a VCR with the time blinking 12:00, a half-completed TV Guide crossword and a $78 tax refund check. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the Inker: Dumb Art On Oaks: Christo and Jeanne-Claude drape some of the most beautiful trees in Washington with saffron-colored fabric that's covered in finger paintings by their kid. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: The FIB Museum: Shows videos of such famous declarations as "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky," "I am not a crook" and, of course, "Read my lips -- no new taxes." (Milt Eisner, McLean; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) The Rugs Gallery: Hairpieces through the centuries. Now on exhibit: "Hell Toupee: The Sad Tale of Jim Traficant." (Chris Doyle, Christchurch, New Zealand) The Gallery of Forensic Celebrity Art: With the aid of the latest computer-aging techniques, the images of facially knifed celebrities are altered to show how they would look if they had allowed themselves to grow old naturally. For example, instead of looking like a face painted on a bongo drumhead, Joan Rivers looks like a KFC drumstick. (Carolyn Steele, Annandale) Mount Lillian Vernon: Tour the birthplace of his-and-hers towels, the "[your name here's] Kitchen" aprons and the over-the-door jewelry organizers. Make sure you stop by the blacksmith's shop, where the first personalized toilet paper roller was made. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The E Pluribus Museum: For the lazy tourist, a single building with one or two pieces from every museum in the Washington area. Be sure to see the dinosaur bone, the picture of a Calder, the Indian spear and that parachute. Don't forget to check out the gift shop gift shop. (Eric Murphy, Chicago; Tom Witte) The Panhandlers Museum: A history of Washington money-grubbers from the back streets to K Street to Capitol Hill. Audio exhibits include such classic pitches as "I need money to refill my crack patch prescription" and "My fellow Americans, the $100 million needed to renovate the Capitol Rotunda, in order to house the Style Invitational Losers Museum, is a small price to pay to ensure the very freedoms we as a nation blah blah blah . . ." (Bruce MacKechnie, Annandale) The William Henry Harrison Library: Contains both official documents from his presidency. (Russell Beland) The Electronic Voting Technology Museum. After the museum changed to a ticketless entry system, admissions jumped to more than 8 billion visitors last year. (Martin S. Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.) The National Errand's Pace Museum: Dedicated to America's daredevil couriers. At the Imax theater, see "To Fly Off the Handle": Experience the white-knuckle thrill of being suddenly cut off by bicyclists swerving dangerously close to your vehicle as you tour the nation's capital. Rated R for language and gestures. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk) The DMV Portrait Gallery: The worst driver's license photos of all time. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Coming soon to the National Irony Museum: "Nature's Art": sculptures created from the dismantled nests of bald eagles. (Bruce Mullinax, Great Falls) The Toddler Museum: Endless entertainment for the under-3 set. Be sure to see the popular Pile of Gravel and Bits of Leaves in the Parking Lot! While away the hours at the Squirrel and Pigeon Zoo. And take in a show at the Same 22-Minute Video Over and Over Again Theatre. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The National Museum of the Indian American: Experience the history of Hindu Americans in the United States with no mention, of any sort, of how they came to be here in the first place. (Russell Beland) The Hall of Precedents: Exhibits range from "Plessy vs. Ferguson" to "Well, Your Brother Certainly Never Flunked Chemistry." (Brian Barrett, New York) The Paradise Museum: The complex includes a pink hotel, a boutique, a swinging hot spot and a tree exhibit. Admission $1.50. Taxi service available. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Next Week: Site Gags, or Hall Monikers ====================================================================== WEEK 602, published March 20, 2005 Week 602: Take a Letter -- Again Vaseball: A game of catch played by children in the living room. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate) (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Apocalypso: Day-o, me-day-day-day-ay-o. Doomsday come, and me want to go home. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) As we've mentioned before, there seem to be a whole lot of people out in NetWorld who have been "informed" that The Washington Post runs some kind of word contest, perhaps once a year. And this contest, these people think, is always the same one: Change any word by one letter and redefine it. And so, almost daily, the Empress receives submissions to this contest-that-isn't from all over the globe. She has even been approached by no fewer than four publishers interested in putting out a whole book consisting of nothing but one after another of these entries. For the record, we have indeed run this contest, twice in the previous 600 weeks (hence the examples above from 1998 and 2003). So okay, fine. Here it is again, with one new restriction. This week's contest: Take a word, term or name that begins with A, B, C or D; either add one letter, subtract one letter, replace one letter, or transpose two letters; and define the new word. The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a fantabulous item that Loser Steve Fahey of Kensington has been trying to get rid of for months: a Japanese "Boyfriend's Arm Pillow," which is, well, a pillow that looks like a man-size arm, sewn into the cuddle position. Nighttime coziness without the snoring -- and very undemanding at 7 a.m. There's only one hitch: Whoever gets this prize must pick it up at the 10th annual Flushie Awards, the banquet hosted by the Losers themselves. This year's will be April 16 in the Silver Spring area. If the first runner-up can't or won't attend this highlight of the Washington social season, we'll send a shirt and an old Loser pen instead. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 28. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. Report from Week 598, in which we asked for names for cafeterias or other rooms in particular places: Two entrants noted that the burger place in the middle of the Pentagon's center courtyard is still called, though perhaps not officially, Ground Zero. Third runner-up: The press room at the White House: Employee Lounge (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) Second runner-up: The ladies' room at Buckingham Palace: The Royal Wee(Kirsten Andersen, Los Angeles) First runner-up, winner of the 1926 edition of "Constipation" by Bernarr Macfadden: The cafeteria at AARP: Where's My Damn Sandwich! (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) And the winner of the Inker: The dental clinic at the Department of Homeland Security: The Cavity Search (Robin D. Grove, Chevy Chase) Honorable Mentions: CAFETERIAS At the Basketball Hall of Fame: In Your Face. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) At an Internet company: The Dotcommissary. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) At Warner Bros. Animation: What's Sup, Doc? (Joseph Romm, Washington) At a drug rehabilitation center: The Cold Turkey (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) At the Bureau of Indian Affairs: The Regulatory Maize (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii) At a modeling agency: The Barbie Queue (Tom Witte) At the National Zoo: The Recent Exhibits (Russell Beland, Springfield; Dennis Lindsay) At R.J. Reynolds: The Cougheteria (Tom Witte) At NASA: Fill the Void (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) At the Lawrence Welk Resort in Branson, Mo.: The Square Meal (Russell Beland) At a fertility clinic: The Magic Eggplant (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.) At the D.C. bomb squad headquarters: The Tiki Tiki Lounge (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) At a gastroenterologist's practice: Input (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Automat in the basement of the Office of the Vice President: Go Service Yourself (John Kupiec, Fairfax) At a modeling agency: The Upchuck Wagon (Chris Doyle) At MGM Studios: Munchin' Land (Mitchell A. Cohn, Washington) At Sara Lee Corp: The Pie Hole (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) At the Latvian Embassy: Letts Do Lunch (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) At Metro headquarters: Eating Prohibited (John Kupiec) At Enron: The Company Mess (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) At the IRS: The Pound of Flesh (Cecil J. Clark) At NORML: High Noon (Chuck Smith) At Leavenworth Prison: The Greasy Shiv (Rob Poole, Ellicott City) At the Globe Theatre: What Foods These Morsels Be (Kirsten Andersen) At the Tower of Pisa: Lean Cuisine (Jay Brown, Charlottesville) RESTROOMS Ladies' room at the FAA: The No Fly Zone (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) At the Department of Public Works: The City Dump (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) At the White House: Leaks (John O'Byrne, Dublin; Cheryl Davis, Arlington) At NIH: The Urinal of the American Medical Association (Brendan Beary) At USA Today: Where We're Pooping (Brendan Beary) At Neverland Ranch: The Little Boys' Room (John Kupiec) At a real estate office: The 1/2 BA (Dave Prevar) At a car dealer's: They Gotta Go! (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) At Washington National Cathedral: The Matthew-Mark-Luke John (Fred Souk, Reston) LOUNGES At NOAA: Davy Jones's Locker Room (Chris Doyle) At a K Street lobbying firm: The Tasseled Loafer (Brendan Beary) At Home Depot: Bored Feet (Dave Prevar) Bill Cosby's Private Office Lounge: The Hug-Stable (Barbara Hoss Schneider, Bowie) OTHER The "lost-items office" at Google: Room 404 (Evan Golub, College Park) The day care center at the Department of Education: Children Left Behind Brendan Beary) The White House Press Corps snack bar: Mister Softee (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) The snack bar at Hertz: Between the Seats (Kirk Zurell, Waterloo, Ontario) The coffee room at a lingerie manufacturer: The Uplifting Cup (Dennis Lindsay) The coffee room at The Washington Post: The Circulation Boost (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria) And Last: The prize warehouse at the Style Invitational compound: This Is Not Trash -- Do Not Remove! (Brendan Beary) Next Week: So What's the News, or Details Are Sketchy ====================================================================== WEEK 603, published March 27, 2005 Week 603: Sui Genesis Genesis 24: Blessed by good speed, the pitcher drew unto him not a walk, and came forth, made haste, and put down at least ten. Genesis 1 and 2: Good God -- the grass! the herb! It was pleasant. It caused a deep sleep. Man! This week's contest: On this Easter Sunday it's about time you got the base corruption out of your brain and settled down for a little enriching Bible study. So go ye forth and take one or two of the 50 chapters of the Book of Genesis and draw thou from them, using words in the order in which they appear in the original, your own passage, as in the examples above from the story of Rebecca at the well, and from the Creation. For consistency, everyone must use the good old King James Version, availableth online in a million places (search "KJV") and quite possibly on paper somewhere. Note: The Empress has no desire to incur anyone's wrath here, divine or otherwise. This is NOT the week for brazen ribaldry and "cometh" jokes. Be sure to cite the chapters of Genesis that you used. If you use two, they must be consecutive. The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets, courtesy of erstwhile Loser Jan Verrey of Alexandria, "The Art of the Bonsai Potato," a kit containing a little display altar with Japanese characters, and little tweezers, and little bitty scissors (but not the potato). The point is that you can get your inner peace achieved with a bonsai potato a heckuva lot faster than you can with some bonsai pine tree. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 4. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 24 (during Passover!). No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest has almost no relation to an otherwise useless idea suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 599, in which we asked you to tell us what news Bob Staake, our cartoonist, was attempting to convey. If it occurred to you that the man in the chair was "thinking outside the box," or that the guy throwing an oil can was, um, pitcher Oil Can Boyd, at least you can stop feeling so alone in the world. By the way, the cartoons labeled C and D here were reversed four weeks ago on Washingtonpost.com; it was the first time the Empress knew for sure which Losers read this column in the paper, and which on the Web. Third runner-up: (Cartoon C) Though he enjoyed getting as enthusiastic a reception as Condoleezza Rice did, Donald Rumsfeld pondered whether he really needed to wear the same stiletto boots. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Second runner-up: (Cartoon B) In a tribute to the Senators, the Nationals' opening day was celebrated with the throwing of the first pork barrel. (Mark Cogen, Bethesda) First runner-up, winner of the orange belt emblazoned with misspelled titles of Rolling Stones songs: (Cartoon A) John Kerry kicks off his 2008 campaign by wearing a fez and eating a pizza while riding in a German automobile through a Hispanic neighborhood on a Jewish holiday. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the winner of the Inker: (Cartoon D) Post music critic Tim Page was unimpressed with a recent NSO performance of Box Mass in B Minor. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Honorable Mentions: CARTOON A During his victory parade, Viktor Yushchenko suddenly reveals that his "skin lesions" were just a sympathy-grabbing slice of pizza glued onto his face. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) With a picture of his beloved Camilla clipped to his polo stick strap, Prince Charles embarks on a goodwill tour through Iraq. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Fearing lawsuits charging it with causing customers' obesity, Pizza Hut institutes its new portion-control delivery. (James Noble, Lexington Park) Gene Frenkle, grand marshal of the Cherry Blossom Festival parade, adds more cowbell as he leads the crowd in "Don't Fear the Reaper." (Roy Ashley, Washington) Influenced by Joseph Romm's book "The Hype About Hydrogen," GM executives are rethinking their strategy for alternative-fuel cars, and have partnered with Domino's to develop a car that runs on methane. (Brendan Beary) CARTOON B The International Olympic Committee this week entertained a request to include Women's Heavyweight Yo-Yo at the 2008 Games. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Barbara Bush tosses out the first oil barrel at the Texas Rangers season opener. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel; Russell Beland, Springfield) Nationals third-base coach Dave Huppert faces a suspension and fine after yesterday's game, in which he made a crude gesture to the fans. (Brendan Beary) In his latest drug test, Jason Giambi not only supplied a urine specimen -- he threw in a stool sample as well. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Septuagenarian Ruth Olson, a Naval Reserve officer whose tour of duty has been extended 23 years, tosses a depth charge at a Syrian submarine. (Jeff Brechlin) CARTOON C The fashion crowd gave rave reviews to the new tuxedo line by Giorgio Footmani. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Jean Sorensen, Herndon) To avoid the red-carpet interview, the Olsen Twins sneak into the awards show disguised as their manager's right arm. (Russell Beland) Clipper the Fly, attending his first Oscar ceremony, vows that next time he will hire a less flamboyant bodyguard. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) The media mobbed the captain of the victorious Chernobyl Water Polo Team (Chuck Smith). Curt Schilling receives a red-carpet welcome as he arrives in Boston for Opening Day. (Curiously, the carpet was white when he arrived.) (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) CARTOON D When the president doesn't behave, Karl Rove sometimes makes him sit at the "yucky" desk. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Redskins owner Daniel Snyder admires the workmanship of a humidor made from trees he had cut down on national parkland along the Potomac River. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) President Bush sat down for a meeting with major coalition partners today. (James Noble) The NASA cafeteria manager realized too late that he forgot to convert to metric when he ordered the toothpicks. (Elden Carnahan) Hours after resigning to Kasparov at Linares, Spain, Kasimdzhanov is still mulling over Rxg1Kf7. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) In medical news, John Smythe of London ponders the wisdom of having had the first-ever groin-nose transplant (Joseph Romm, Washington) Ever the hands-on dad, Art thought he was helping his daughter's lemonade stand, but outsourcing the production to Belize and laying off his sales staff detracted from the fun. (Brendan Beary) CARTOONS D and B: In the early years, Ira was the public face -- doing the PR promos at local events -- while Ed stayed in the shop fussing over production details. But somehow they made a go of it, so that today, Crate & Barrel celebrates its 25th anniversary! (Brendan Beary; Mary Ann Henningsen, Washington) Next Week: Top of the Inking, or Hacks of Diamonds ====================================================================== WEEK 604, published April 3, 2005 Week 604 Fun for the Roses Roman Ruler x High Fly = Pontius Pilot Apprentice x Zap = You're Fried! Biloxi Palace x Premium Tap = Indoor Plumbing This week's contest: It's time to play the field again, as we ask you to "breed" any two of the horses on a list of those qualifying for this year's Triple Crown races, and tell us a good name for their foal, as in the examples above by Mike Hammer and Russell Beland. (The horse names appear at the bottom of this page.) As she did last year, the Empress has pared the list of almost 400 nominees to a workable 100, consisting of experts' "top contenders" (so there's a chance of actually seeing in the Kentucky Derby a horse whose name you used) and supplemented with promising names that we hope are unlikely to prompt entries too similar to previous years'. The actual sexes of the horses don't matter, which is a good thing, since they're almost all male. Like the names of the actual horses, the name of the foal must be no more than 18 characters, including any spaces. Send as many entries as you like (this week always brings out the obsessed), but the Empress advises you to put your best work at the top of your list; her lorgnette starts to slide down her nose after she's seen 50 mediocre entries and no good ones. Please double-space to avoid imperial wrath. The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a lovely little handbag consisting of a polished coconut shell, bisected and reattached with a zipper. A perfect accompaniment either to an inaugural ball gown or, Monty Python-style, to video of the Kentucky Derby. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 11. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 1, the Sunday before the Derby. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week DC (we returned to Roman numerals for the occasion), in which we asked how Washington would be affected by the return of baseball. Dozens of you wittily posited that our town would heretofore be known as "first in war, first in peace, and last in the National League." Dozens more made plays on "Nats" vs. "Gnats," and predicted that left field would be much smaller than right field for the foreseeable future. Yeah, yeah. The funniest entry that didn't fit the contest was from Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn.: Peter Angelos's kids will be forced to take an allowance cut. There were also a couple of inadvertently funny entries from foreign readers, who gamely sent in stuff about "baseball matches" and, along with innings, had players making "outings." Special extra-contest note! As you'll see below, the winning entries for this contest are amusing but not classic. Surely there's another, better baseball contest still to be done. We have till October to do it, and you have eight days to come up with the idea for it. Send it in a separate e-mail with "Baseball contest idea" in the subject line; the best and most workable idea (good examples help make a persuasive case) wins a genuine bobblehead doll of the late Chuck Thompson, Voice of the Baltimore Orioles -- complete with audio -- donated by Elden Carnahan of Laurel. Second runner-up: Not content with merely being weenies about snow, the area also gets a chance to shut down operations when it rains. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) First runner-up, winner of the 1920s photo taken outside the Washington American League Base Ball Club: Fans vote their favorite National onto the All-Star team. Unfortunately, he will not be allowed to play, but will merely sit in the dugout as a team delegate. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) And the winner of the Inker: The cherry blossoms will no longer be the only things in town that burst forth with great vigor in spring, immediately begin to fade, and in a few weeks are pretty much forgotten until next season. (Dudley Thompson, Raleigh) Honorable Mentions: When they're on the bench, the Supreme Court Nine take to chewing sunflower seeds, spitting tobacco juice and blowing balloon-size gum bubbles. During oral arguments, lawyers keep getting drilled by the righty, Scalia, who relies solely on breaking balls. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) To boost ticket sales, school vouchers can now be exchanged for an evening at the ballpark for a family of four. (Rob Poole, Ellicott City) Hillary Clinton can add the Nationals to the teams of which she is supposedly a lifelong fan. (Bird Waring, New York) Speakers on the House floor will call timeout to step away from the microphone and adjust their crotches. The resulting FCC fines will force C-SPAN to go to a seven-second delay. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Rasheeda Moore joins Nationals pitching staff in a setup role. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) If during a lengthy filibuster a senator loses his or her voice, a pinch speaker may be employed. (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria) Freddy Adu will kick out the first baseball. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A bunch of overpaid egos will alternate between trying to stop their opponents from making any progress, and sitting around doing nothing while one or two of their number occasionally get up and attempt to make progress. But now, you have to pay to watch them do it. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Dan Snyder will get into a bidding war for Jason Giambi. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) The 17-year "cicada cycle" will be supplemented with the 117- year "Nats championship cycle." (Ron Jackson, Chevy Chase) In honor of the late, great manager of the Senators, the new team's concession stands will sell Ted Williams Popsicles. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Once people get used to a team that sucks for 162 games a season, having one that sucks only 16 times a season won't seem so bad, right? (D. Snyder, Potomac) (Brendan Beary) The Washington Post, Jan. 1, 2006: Out: Not Going to Caps Games. In: Not Going to Nats Games. (Eric Fulton, Bethesda) The Horses Afleet Alex Andromeda's Hero Apprentice Awesome Twist Bandini Big Top Cat Biloxi Palace Bluff By Sunday Cadillac Cruiser Call the Marines Canteen Cat Robber Chekhov Chips Are Down Closing Argument Commodity Trader Compulsive Consolidator Count Me In Customer Daddy Joe Dance With Ravens Dearest Mon Defer Defy the Odds Devil at Sea Diamond Isle Diligent Prospect Distorted Don't Get Mad Drum Major Exit Left First Word Fusaichi Rock Star Gaff Galloping Grocer General Jumbo Giacomo Going Wild Golden Shine Greater Good Harlington High Fly High Limit Hole in the Head I Live for This I'm Bluffing In Excelsis Jolly Mon Kansas City Boy Landslide Lost In The Fog Magna Graduate Masquerader Monarch Lane More Than Somewhat Mr. Congeniality Never at Dusk Noble Causeway Olympic Plunkit Premium Tap Proud Accolade Raving Rocket Rockport Harbor Roman Ruler Rush Bay Scipion Scrappy T Shamardal Silent Bid Silver Train Single Mon Snack So Long Birdie Sort It Out Southern Africa Spanish Chestnut Storm Surge Straight Line Sun King Survivalist Sweet Catomine Tales Not Told Tetrahedron Texcess Three Hour Nap UListninToMe Ultimate Unbridled Energy Uncle Whiskers War Plan What's Up Dude Wholly Smackers Wild Desert Wilko Wrapped Yes Yes Yes Zap Sunday, April 3, 2005; Page D02 Roman Ruler x High Fly = Pontius Pilot Apprentice x Zap = You're Fried! Biloxi Palace x Premium Tap = Indoor Plumbing This week's contest: It's time to play the field again, as we ask you to "breed" any two of the horses on a list of those qualifying for this year's Triple Crown races, and tell us a good name for their foal, as in the examples above by Mike Hammer and Russell Beland. (The horse names appear at the bottom of this page.) As she did last year, the Empress has pared the list of almost 400 nominees to a workable 100, consisting of experts' "top contenders" (so there's a chance of actually seeing in the Kentucky Derby a horse whose name you used) and supplemented with promising names that we hope are unlikely to prompt entries too similar to previous years'. The actual sexes of the horses don't matter, which is a good thing, since they're almost all male. Like the names of the actual horses, the name of the foal must be no more than 18 characters, including any spaces. Send as many entries as you like (this week always brings out the obsessed), but the Empress advises you to put your best work at the top of your list; her lorgnette starts to slide down her nose after she's seen 50 mediocre entries and no good ones. Please double-space to avoid imperial wrath. The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a lovely little handbag consisting of a polished coconut shell, bisected and reattached with a zipper. A perfect accompaniment either to an inaugural ball gown or, Monty Python-style, to video of the Kentucky Derby. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 11. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 1, the Sunday before the Derby. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week DC (we returned to Roman numerals for the occasion), in which we asked how Washington would be affected by the return of baseball. Dozens of you wittily posited that our town would heretofore be known as "first in war, first in peace, and last in the National League." Dozens more made plays on "Nats" vs. "Gnats," and predicted that left field would be much smaller than right field for the foreseeable future. Yeah, yeah. The funniest entry that didn't fit the contest was from Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn.: Peter Angelos's kids will be forced to take an allowance cut. There were also a couple of inadvertently funny entries from foreign readers, who gamely sent in stuff about "baseball matches" and, along with innings, had players making "outings." Special extra-contest note! As you'll see below, the winning entries for this contest are amusing but not classic. Surely there's another, better baseball contest still to be done. We have till October to do it, and you have eight days to come up with the idea for it. Send it in a separate e-mail with "Baseball contest idea" in the subject line; the best and most workable idea (good examples help make a persuasive case) wins a genuine bobblehead doll of the late Chuck Thompson, Voice of the Baltimore Orioles -- complete with audio -- donated by Elden Carnahan of Laurel. Second runner-up: Not content with merely being weenies about snow, the area also gets a chance to shut down operations when it rains. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) First runner-up, winner of the 1920s photo taken outside the Washington American League Base Ball Club: Fans vote their favorite National onto the All-Star team. Unfortunately, he will not be allowed to play, but will merely sit in the dugout as a team delegate. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) And the winner of the Inker: The cherry blossoms will no longer be the only things in town that burst forth with great vigor in spring, immediately begin to fade, and in a few weeks are pretty much forgotten until next season. (Dudley Thompson, Raleigh) Honorable Mentions: When they're on the bench, the Supreme Court Nine take to chewing sunflower seeds, spitting tobacco juice and blowing balloon-size gum bubbles. During oral arguments, lawyers keep getting drilled by the righty, Scalia, who relies solely on breaking balls. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) To boost ticket sales, school vouchers can now be exchanged for an evening at the ballpark for a family of four. (Rob Poole, Ellicott City) Hillary Clinton can add the Nationals to the teams of which she is supposedly a lifelong fan. (Bird Waring, New York) Speakers on the House floor will call timeout to step away from the microphone and adjust their crotches. The resulting FCC fines will force C-SPAN to go to a seven-second delay. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Rasheeda Moore joins Nationals pitching staff in a setup role. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) If during a lengthy filibuster a senator loses his or her voice, a pinch speaker may be employed. (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria) Freddy Adu will kick out the first baseball. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A bunch of overpaid egos will alternate between trying to stop their opponents from making any progress, and sitting around doing nothing while one or two of their number occasionally get up and attempt to make progress. But now, you have to pay to watch them do it. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Dan Snyder will get into a bidding war for Jason Giambi. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) The 17-year "cicada cycle" will be supplemented with the 117-year "Nats championship cycle." (Ron Jackson, Chevy Chase) In honor of the late, great manager of the Senators, the new team's concession stands will sell Ted Williams Popsicles. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Once people get used to a team that sucks for 162 games a season, having one that sucks only 16 times a season won't seem so bad, right? (D. Snyder, Potomac) (Brendan Beary) The Washington Post, Jan. 1, 2006: Out: Not Going to Caps Games. In: Not Going to Nats Games. (Eric Fulton, Bethesda) Next Week: Anticdotes, or My Faux-Called Life ====================================================================== WEEK 605, published April 10, 2005 Week 605: Truly Stupendous Ideas Jose Canseco and Jimmy Carter: One had a bigger arms buildup. Orville Wright and Oprah Winfrey: One got just a few minutes of air time. Marlon Brando made an offer they couldn't refuse. Marion Barry wishes he'd refused that offer. This week's contest, suggested by Ace Loser Brendan Beary of Great Mills: Name two people with the same initials (the people can be living or dead, real or fictional) and explain how they are similar or different, as in the examples above. The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets, courtesy of Loser Dave Komornik of Danville, Va., a lovely black and white ceramic plate commemorating the "Exposition de Paris 1900." This is clearly a genuine French antique, as you can tell by the inscription on the back, which says: "California Pantry{T}{M} Classic Ceramics: (c) 2003 Made in China." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 18. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 601, in which we asked for untruthful anecdotes to answer actual "Editor's Query" questions from the Washington Post Magazine: Second runner-up: Tell us about a disastrous or funny experience you had involving food: One evening I took my young daughter to a local restaurant. On our way to wash up, we saw an enormous rat. Despite my screams, the rodent headed straight at my daughter. Maternal instinct took over and I began kicking it for all I was worth. Employees and regulars came over, but instead of helping me, they helped the rat! Evidently it was some sort of pet. Named Chucky something. Restraining order or not, I'll never go there again. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) First runner-up, the winner of the microscope slides of rat brain tissue: Tell us of a time you overcame tremendous self-doubt: I recently went through a rough period in my life and I really began to doubt myself, especially with regard to women. Fortunately, a friend told me about a support group for people with low self-esteem, and I joined. And it worked! Turns out it was all women, and they were so desperate for approval that, within a week, I boinked them all! I'm back, baby! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And the winner of the Inker: Tell us about an event that prompted you to change your life: Some years ago I was in L.A. on a trip with my parents, and a thin, oddly dressed man approached me and asked if I wanted "to go to Neverland for a special slumber party." He gave me the creeps, so I ran away. Years later, I saw this same man on TV -- it was Michael Jackson! I vowed right then that never again would I allow my suspicious nature to deprive me of an unforgettable life experience. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Honorable Mentions: Tell us about a disastrous or funny experience you had involving food. I was at a dinner party when the man next to me began gasping for breath. I tried the Heimlich with no success, so I cut a hole in his throat with a penknife and stuck a straw in the hole to facilitate his breathing. Was I embarrassed to find out later that he only had asthma! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Lindsay Topmoeller was the prettiest girl in pre-K, and glue was all the rage: eaten with paper or just directly from the bottle. But to win Lindsay I knew I needed more: melted crayons. Lindsay was chewing her ponytail as I approached. "These are for you," I said, handing her my colorful creation. "Yum," she said. "The secret ingredient is Cerulean," I whispered. She smiled. She picked her nose. I picked mine. Then I went home. (Dan Nooter, Washington) Dining in a fashionable downtown establishment, I was approached by none other than the Empress. She touched my shoulder and said, "I knew of your prowess with a pen, but am taken aback by your Adonis- like frame and Hollywood looks. Please take me home and rub that delicious-looking pesto all over me." To which I replied: "As much I would love to, your Highness, I must refuse. Deadlines are looming and I have a witty anecdote to write." (Kerry Thorn, Rockville) On a trip to L.A., I sat near Ricardo Montalban at Spago. After he left, I tried to take a partly chewed pickle off his plate, hoping to add it to my collection of celebrity food. Unfortunately, another diner had the same idea. After a rather violent tussle, I stood with the pickle, only to discover -- after all that -- the celebrity had in fact only been Fernando Lamas! (Jeff Brechlin) I read the "Life Is Short" entry today, about the man who kissed his wife on the forehead in church when Mass was ended and then heard a voice two rows behind say, "Get a room." I blushed in shame: I was the man who said that. The woman totally misunderstood my comment. I only wanted to watch. So I'm sticking to videos from now on. (Bill Moulden, Frederick) Tell us about a moving act of kindness you experienced or witnessed. After I mugged an elderly woman and stole her purse, I looked over my shoulder and saw a boy on crutches leaning over, struggling to help the woman up. The boy fell down, obviously in pain, but he continued to comfort the woman and said he had a cell phone and would call for help. I turned and ran back to them, knelt down, grabbed the cell phone and ran like hell. (Cheryl Furst, Falls Church) The company where I worked 30 years went bankrupt and my retirement disappeared with the CEO. I sold my home to pay for my elderly mother's care. My Social Security benefits were cut so much I couldn't feed my grandchildren, living with me since their mother was imprisoned for funneling money to a terrorist group, Amnesty International. Fortunately, a compassionate, generous individual came to my assistance. George W. Bush personally provided . . .(George Laumann, Arlington) Tell us about an event that prompted you to change your life. The morning after the lottery drawing, I informed my boss that he was an incompetent fool. I told my wife that it would be worth half my fortune just to avoid her ugly face for one more day, and dismissed all my sycophant friends and family. It's amazing how much a one and seven look alike. You going to eat that? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Years ago I went on a Mediterranean cruise, which was not a success. One night, feeling despondent and a little drunk, I placed a plaintive message (with my address) in a bottle I dropped overboard. Well, no, I never received a reply, but now I use e-mail and have lots of friends from all corners of the world. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) She was pale, raven-haired, with remarkably gleaming teeth. I offered her a drink. She said, "I never drink . . . coffee or alcohol." She lured me outside Club Sabertooth for an intimate stroll in the moonlight. "Can I ask you a personal question?" she said. "Uh, sure." "Are you familiar with the Book of Mormon?" I haven't tasted coffee in months, and, boy, am I tired. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Hmmm. Nothing stands out as really life-changing. I guess I'm just an ordinary girl. -- Christine Jorgensen. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Do you really think that if I (a) had a life, or (b) were capable of changing it, I'd spend a week churning out page after page of stupid drivel for the chance to win a couple pieces of sliced rat brain? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Tell us about a time you overcame tremendous self-doubt. My teenage daughter screamed at me: "You're so stupid. You don't know anything!" Well, since she was so smart and knew everything, and I didn't, I was about to retire from life and become a hermit. But I thought I'd give it another try and try to overcome my stupidity; I went back to high school, and now I know everything, too. (Mike Paulson, Falls Church) My weight has always been up and down, and I was always a bit concerned with my appearance. Then one day, as I stood naked in front of a full-length mirror, I decided simply that I was happy with my body, and if the people gawking at me in Wal-Mart's furniture aisle didn't like it, then that's their problem. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Next Week: Take a Letter -- Again, or Wordsmirth ====================================================================== WEEK 606, published April 17, 2005 Week 606: The News Could Be Verse PUBLISHED CORRECTIONS: A joke in the April 17 Style Invitational contest incorrectly implied that Bill Cosby admitted being the father of a woman who sued him in 1997. While Cosby admitted having an affair with the woman's mother, he denied paternity, and the woman suing him refused to take a DNA test. (Published 4/19/2005) This week's contest: It's National Poetry Month, and once again, in the Invitational's ceaseless mission to Raise the Cultural Literacy of Our Readers, we invite you to translate the fine prose of Washington Post articles into verse, as in the example above. Choose any article appearing in The Post or on its Web site from April 17 through April 25. If you're using the printed Post, please include the date, page number and headline; if you're freeloading from the Web, give the date and also copy in a bit of the article. As always, long poems must deserve the extra space; if you send "The Waste Land," you'd better be T.S. Eliot. The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a pair of cuff links with a real working analog clock on each one, plus the legend "Time Is Money," donated by Russell Beland of Springfield. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 25. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 15. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Dave Zarrow of Herndon. Report from Week 602, the perennially in-demand contest in which you alter a word or term by one letter, or transpose two letters, and redefine it. It's a good thing the Empress was sensible enough to limit it to words originally beginning with A, B, C and D, since she was inundated with far too many good entries to run here. So below, except for the winner and runners-up, are only the A's and B's; the Honorably Mentioned C's and D's will appear next week. Those who think the Empress is playing favorites when they read the same names over and over must realize that, of the two Losers inking most often below, one person submitted 104 entries, and the other one 296. So most of their stuff ended up in the trash, too. Fifth runner-up: Alexpandria: A town known for its buffet restaurants. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Fourth runner-up: Galgebra: Arithmetic. -- L. Summers, Cambridge, Mass. (Chris Doyle, Raleigh) Third runner-up: Bucolip: Amish trash talk ("Thy cow is so thin, she gives evaporated milk, whatever that be"). (Michael Fransella, Arlington) Second runner-up: Steroid belt: A home run. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) First runner-up, the winner of the Boyfriend's Arm Pillow: Apocalypstic: The little smudge I came home with on my collar that makes my wife act like it's the end of the world. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the winner of the Inker: Defenestraction: A ruse to divert the cop's attention while you throw the evidence out the window. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Honorable Mentions (listed in alphabetical order of the original words): Abelitionist: Cain. (Michael Fransella) Accimental: Caused by a Freudian slip. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) Dadmit: To acknowledge paternity -- In the end, Bill Cosby finally dadmitted. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) E-donis: A man who's extremely handsome, or so he says in the chat room. (Tom Witte) Algaebra: What the Little Mermaid wears over her chest. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Aliass: A body double for a nude scene. (Tom Witte) Alter Geo: The vehicle most likely to sport the bumper sticker "My Other Car Is a Porsche." (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Nambush: How the Swift Boat Veterans helped sink John Kerry. (Bruce MacKenchnie, Annandale) Amoebra: An undergarment that lifts and separates and separates and separates. (Eric Murphy, Chicago) Wankylosaur: This species went extinct because it just wasn't as interested in mating. (Brendan Beary) Santagonism: A form of threatening mind control that parents practice on their children every December. You better watch out! (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Antbeater: An extra-small white undershirt. (George Vary, Bethesda) Panteater: A particularly potent flatus. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Anthloogy: A collection of Flemish literature. (Brendan Beary) Antifoxidant: Something that repels the female of the species (e.g., overpowering after-shave, constant BlackBerry-checking). (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Antiperpirant: Mace. (Will Cramer and Julie Thomas, Herndon) Auntiques: That crocheted tea cozy and the scented stationery. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio) Mantonyms: Word pairs describing identical traits positively in men but negatively in women (e.g, "stud"/"slut"; "assertive"/ "bitchy"). (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Capoplexy: A life-threatening condition caused by having one's offer refused. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Arbyss: The deepest part of the stomach, reserved for two Giant Roast Beefs, large Curly Fries and a chocolate shake. (Danny Organek, Alexandria) Archenema: A high colonic. (Chris Doyle) Fattire: Items from the Lane Bryant catalogue. (Michelle Stupak) Tautomatic: The Botox alternative from Ronco. (Jeff Covel, Arlington) AWOOL: A lamb on the lam. (Tom Witte) Ayatoljah: A holier-than-thou person given to pointing out that he was right all along. (Brendan Beary) Avalunche: Bulimia. (Brendan Beary) Avant-harde: Before the Cialis kicks in. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Avoirdupoise: Self-confidence with one's plus-size body -- Queen Latifah displays plenty of avoirdupoise. (Brendan Beary) Bananab: A fruit that can be peeled from either end. (Brendan Beary) Bandwagony: The intense pain of knowing that the Skins won't get to the Super Bowl this year. (Fred Souk, Reston) Raptism: After the introduction of the folk Mass, it was only a matter of time. (Jan Stowell, Washington) bAAr: Where only nonalcoholic drinks are served. (Tom Witte) Barelycorn: Watered-down whiskey. (Brendan Beary) Branacles: The dried bits of cereal stuck like glue to the bowl you should have rinsed before leaving for work. (Walt Johnston, Woodstock, Md.) Lastard: The moron who leaves the empty milk carton in the fridge and never replaces the toilet paper. (Brendan O'Byrne, Regina, Saskatchewan) Blingual: Speaking both English and Street. (Lyell Rodieck, Springfield) Biliteral: Talking out of both sides of your mouth. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Bilk of Rights: The Patriot Act. (Greg McGrew, Leesburg) Binucular: Having both the A-bomb and the H-bomb. -- G.W.B., Washington (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Blimbo: Someone who's both dumb and fat. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Boobboo: A small scar left by breast surgery. (Fred Souk) BoltUN: A slap in the face to a former friend. (Danny Organek) Bong mot: A profundity unable to be appreciated by the non- indulging (e.g, "Hey, far out how, like, the caked-up ketchup around the bottle? It's, like, Africa, man"). (Mitchell Singer, Los Angeles) Breck-and-mortar: Helmet hair. (Peter Metrinko) Brontesaurus: A dinosaur that died out from a broken heart. (Scott Campisi) And the Anti-Invitational: Xxylophone: A percussing instrument; Zeebra: The largest cup size offered. (Bertram H. Lowi, Southampton, N.Y.) Next Week: Sui Genesis, or In the Big Inking (plus the C's and D's) ====================================================================== WEEK 607, published April 24, 2005 Week 607: Contest Fodder Created! Sept. 1, 1939: The Dawn of History Channel Documentary Footage. Death in Dallas, 1963: A Triumph for Super-8 Home-Movie Cameras. This week's contest was suggested by ace Post reporter Paul Farhi, who told the Empress of a poster in a graphics editor's office titled "Columbia: The day graphics ruled," referring to coverage of the shuttle disaster. Paul suggests that the Losers produce other absurdly parochial views of historic events, as in the examples above. The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a copy of the excellent book "Muslims in the United States" -- in Arabic. Even the page numbers are not in "Arabic numerals," but in Arabic numerals. Fortunately, the book is also available in its entirety on the Internet in English, so you can learn to read Arabic from it and then get a government job. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 2. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 603, in which we asked you to string together words, in order, from one or two consecutive chapters of Genesis (King James Version) to produce your own sentences. This contest drew a great wail from the Losers, who were sore vexed about having to actually read the Bible for once (though several were pleased to report the discovery of several juicy passages that had been conveniently omitted in Sunday school). Second runner-up: Chapter 36: Duke, duke, duke . . . Duke of Reuel. Duke duke . . . Duke of Reuel . . . Duke duke. (Russell Beland, Springfield) First runner-up, winner of the Bonsai Potato kit: Chapters 8-9: And God made Windows, saying: Go forth and multiply upon the earth. The fear and dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) And the winner of the Inker: Chapters 37-38: Being seventeen years old, the lad could not speak peaceably. He told his brethren and mother to "flock off." Father said, "My son's an evil beast -- be pleased the kid is not twins!" (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Honorable Mentions: Chapter 1: In the beginning God created the waters, the fly, and the fish, and he went to the river and slept. (Chris Doyle, Raleigh) Chapters 2-3: And a man went to the Garden of Eden to dress up as a woman, and God said, Why hast thou taken the flaming way of life? (Chris Doyle) Chapters 2-3: God created herb, and Adam said, "Thou the man!" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Chapters 2-3: Every plant and every herb of the field grew, and a mist watered the whole face of the man, and his nostrils became a river. And the man said: Surely the garden is the mother of all evil. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Chapters 15-16: Take my wife . . . pleaseth. (Russell Beland) Chapters 17-18: Beget thee all day when in heat. Lift up your feet, quickly knead the calf, and butter thy wife. (David Witt, Marshall, Va.) Chapters 25-26: Esau did eat pottage of lentiles and it came to pass . . . and it came to pass. (Lawrence McGuire) Chapter 30: And when Rachel saw Jacob, she gave unto him womb service. (Chris Doyle) Chapters 31-32: Strangers in the night, do be do be do. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Chapter 34: The damsel spake unto the young man: "Behold, it is large enough, only ye stink." (Carol June Hooker, Landover Hills) Chapters 36-37: Riches more than their firstborn: these are found in Rehoboth in their habitations, for even some pit -- empty, no water -- to rent. (Brendan Beary) Genesis 41: And the Pharaoh hastily devoured the Good-and-Plenty in plenteous handfuls, and he left plenteousness over all the face. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Genesis 44-45: Food is indeed evil. This my ass hath found out. So, no more fat laden bread and meat. Enough, before I die! (Jeff Covel, Arlington) Genesis 45-46: Joseph, refrain from saying your stuff is "way great!" (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Chapter 48: And Joseph said: "I will make thee a Reuben." And Israel blessed Joseph and said, "God fed me all my life long. This be greater." (Ken Gallant, Little Rock) Genesis 49: And Jacob said (his eyes red with wine) unto the judge: Biteth me! (Chris Doyle) And Last: Genesis 26: For she now hath made room for us and sent away Beeri. (Chris Doyle) And we even have room for the rest of the winners of Week 602, in which we asked you to take a word beginning with A, B, C or D, alter it by one letter or transpose two letters, and redefine it: Callipygmian: Having a cute little behind. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Cannabus: A VW van with those flower decals. (Russell Beland) Carion: An auto left out on a city street for a week. (Katherine Hooper, Jacksonville, Fla.) Cerebrawl: Kant and Hegel go at it. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Catechasm: The gap between what the church teaches and what its followers believe. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) Chia pit: A hairy underarm. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Chock Full o' Outs: Don Larsen, 1956. (Les Greenblatt, Ann Arbor, Mich.) Coinkidence: When two people send in precisely the same Style Invitational entry. (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Ervin Stembol, Alexandria) ConservaTiVo: A device that will record only the Fox News Channel. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Consumemation: Praying mantis sex. (Stephen Dudzik) Contrapceptive: Mrs. Rube Goldberg hated this one. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Cosa Nostar: A small-time mobster. (Chris Doyle) GOPulation: Strictly between a man and a woman. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Dorkage: A service fee for bringing your own idiot into a restaurant. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) Corre$pondent: A reporter the White House can rely on. (Harry Farkas, Columbus, Ohio) Cummerband: A music group consigned forever to play weddings. (Rob Poole, Ellicott City) Drydream: A wholesome fantasy. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) Demongraphic: Blue states. -- K. Rove, Washington (Cheryl Davis, Arlington) Debtritus: What's left after the repo men leave. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) Neuteronomy: A censored book of the Bible where nobody gets to "know" anybody. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Diasporap: "Hey Ya Nagila." (Judith Cottrill, New York) Disembowl: Punish a college for recruiting violations. (Ned Bent) Mr. Seuss: What happened after the AMA found out that he recommended the consumption of green eggs. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Oldrums: AARPathy. (Chris Doyle) Doughn'ts: The stuff that's not on your diet. (Danny Organek, Alexandria) Wowager: A rich, good-looking and newly available woman. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Dubying: Replacing the president's words with English. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Kdumb: Said of a word with an unnecessary silent letter. (Danny Organek) Dyspeepsia: The result of eating too much Easter candy. (Marian Phelps, Vail, Colo.) Next Week: Fun for the Roses, or A Horse With New Name ====================================================================== WEEK 608, published May 1, 2005 Week 608: Comeback Next Week This week's contest: Lisa Linske-O'Connell of Rockville wrote the Empress to suggest a contest "inspired by my beautiful over-6-foot- tall younger sister. Whenever men ask her, as they often rudely do, if she plays basketball, she has always wanted to respond, 'No, are you a jockey?' " Lisa wonders if the Greater Loser Community could come up with original snide retorts to various rude questions or comments. (This is actually pretty much the same contest as Week 128, "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions," Sept. 17, 1995. But as we just said: Original. Not those.) The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a super-cool six-foot-tall inflatable palm tree that the Empress bummed off the Washington Post TV writers after they'd received two of them in a promotion for some show or other. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 9. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phyllis Reinhard of East Fallowfield, Pa. Report from Week 604, our annual contest to "breed" horses culled from the list of eligible entries for this year's Triple Crown races, and name their offspring. As usual, we were deluged with several thousand entries, many from people who enter the Invitational every year for just this one contest. Some very fine entries were sent in by four or (many) more people; some of them are in the box below. Note: You just may find your very own horse name among the winners below, without your very own human name on it. It's almost inevitable with that many entries and one pair of increasingly glazed eyeballs. But look: If you're so interested in a fair shake, then why were you playing around with racehorses? Fourth Runner-Up: Silent Bid x Hole in the Head = Shh for Brains(Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) Third Runner-Up: Snack x I Live for This = Raisin d'Etre (Ron Bottomly, Columbia) Second Runner-Up: Roman Ruler x Awesome Twist = Pontius Pilates (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) First Runner-Up, winner of the handbag made out of a coconut: Texcess x Snack = Best Little Ho-Hos (Chris Doyle, Raleigh) And the winner of the Inker: First Word x Wrapped = Mummy (Lori Price, Leesburg) Honorable Mentions Awesome Twist x I Live for This = DNA (Bonnie E. Hughes, Reston) Awesome Twist Southern Africa = HalfNelsonMandela (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) Biloxi Palace War Plan = Shack Attack (Russell Beland, Springfield) Cadillac Cruiser x Lost in the Fog = OffStar (Cindy Johnson, Alexandria) Cat Robber x Defer = Tom Delay (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Commodity Trader x Awesome Twist = Pork Belly Dancer (Veggo Larsen, Barboursville, Va.) Consolidator x Giacomo = Debt in Venice (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Count Me In x Yes Yes Yes = What Meg's Having (Christina Courtney, Ocean City) Customer x Lost in the Fog = Pay Misty for Me (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Defer x Ulistnintome = Deafer (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Diamond Isle x Hole in the Head = BlingOutYourDead (Beth Morgan) Distorted x Three Hour Nap = Fox Snooze (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Drum Major x Landslide = Stick in the Mud (Stephanie Thomas, Arlington) Drum Major x So Long Birdie = Frank Perdue (Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.) Drum Major x Sweet Catomine = Tympan Alley Cat (Chris Doyle) First Word x What's Up Dude = Yo (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Giacomo x Wrapped = Giac Strap (Harvey Smith, McLean) Giacomo x Premium Tap = Nationala Boheme (Dave Prevar) Golden Shine x Roman Ruler = Orange Julius (Jan Stanley, Reston) Golden Shine x Hole in the Head = Flash in Trepan (Chris Doyle) High Fly x Closing Argument = XYZ (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) I'm Bluffing x Bluff = I'm Not Bluffing (Russell Beland) In Excelsis Exit Left = Sic Transit Gloria (Pam Sweeney) Kansas City Boy x Customer = Missouri Loves Co. (Brendan Beary) Landslide x Tales Not Told = Victorious Secret (Dave Prevar) Landslide x Mr. Congeniality = Have a Gneiss Day (Meg Sullivan) Magna Graduate x Drum Major = Juilliard Honors (Russell Beland) Monarch Lane x Single Mon = Napoleon Solo (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Monarch Lane x Mr. Congeniality = Social Butterfly (Pam Sweeney) Never at Dusk x Devil at Sea = NightsInWetSatan (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) Noble Causeway x In Excelsis = Highway to Heaven (Tacey Mullen, Olathe, Kan.) Premium Tap x Closing Argument = Lager Heads (Pam Sweeney) Proud Accolade x High Fly = Braggin' Wrights (Marian Phelps, Vail, Colo.) Proud Accolade & Defer = Not to Knight (Russell Beland) Roman Ruler x High Fly = Pilate's License (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Roman Ruler x Straight Line = XII Inches (Milt Eisner, McLean; Carol Ostrow, Laurel) Roman Ruler x Apprentice = Nearo (Bonnie Jacob, Alexandria) Roman Ruler x What's Up Dude = Pope Keanu I (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) So Long Birdie x Apprentice = Sink the Putz (Harvey Smith) Sort It Out x Closing Argument = Romantic Snuggle (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Southern Africa & Greater Good = Apartheid (P.W. Botha, Cape Town) (Russell Beland) Straight Line x Masquerader = Vector/Victoria (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Sun King x Dances With Ravens = Ra Lewis (Eric Fulton, Bethesda) Sun King x Fast Exit = Me Gotta Go (Donna Vervena, Oakton) Sun King x Straight Line = Tan Gent (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria) Sweet Catomine X Kansas City Boy = Sweet Catamite (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) Sweet Catomine Defer = Another Hairball (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Tetrahedron x Gone Wild = Four Score (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Texcess x Southern Africa = JimBobwe (John and Ellen Godfrey, Kensington; Joe Barrett, Rockville) Texcess x Hole in the Head = American Addle (Maggie Lawrence, Culpeper, Va.) Unbridled Energy x Bluff = Raging Bull (David J. Rawlinson, Leonardtown) Uncle Whiskers x By Sunday = Santa Domingo (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Uncle Whiskers x So Long Birdie = Par for the Coarse (Howard Walderman, Columbia) War Plan x Texcess = DubyaMD (David McCreedy, Alexandria) War Plan x Yes Yes Yes = Bloomsday Scenario (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) War Plan x In Excelsis = Tactical Missal (Russell Beland) Roman Ruler x Wilko = X-IV Good Buddy (Meg Sullivan) Yes Yes Yes x I'm Bluffing = Lyin' Ayes (Jan Stanley, Reston) Yes Yes Yes X Consolidator = Come Together (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) Great Ideas but Not Unique Ones: In Excelsis x Jolly Mon = Day-O Tetrahedron x Commodity Trader = Pyramid Scheme More Than Somewhat x Lost in the Fog = Dubya Yes Yes Yes x Consolidator = Yes Single Mon x Jolly Mon = No Woman No Cry Galloping Grocer x In Excelsis = Lettuce Pray General Jumbo x Awesome Twist = Chubby Checker Tales Not Told x Call the Marines = Don't Ask ====================================================================== WEEK 609, published May 8, 2005 Week 609: A2D2 An article about a comedy camp for children in the Catskill mountains described one boy as "a real ham." The phrase should have read "a real brisket." Tuesday's weather page reported a 70 percent chance of rain for the next day. The chance of rain Wednesday was actually 100 percent. A recent story described the wife of the new pope and her plans to spruce up the Vatican. The pope is actually a bachelor. This week's contest: This esteemed publication ran one of its most comical corrections ever recently when it clarified that "the Sunday, April 10, edition of 'The Mini Page,' about wind waves, tsunamis and tides, incorrectly indicated that the sun orbits the Earth." The correction was a pretty straightforward acknowledgment of a shockingly stupid inaccuracy (in the children's section, no less), but it can still serve as a gossamer thread to which the Empress can tie a contest: Give us some funny "corrections" to brighten up Page A2, as in the examples above, suggested by the always correct Russell Beland of Springfield. They can be funny because they are silly, or absurd, or because they suggest a stupid initial mistake, or any other reason you come up with. The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a fantastic audio CD called "Still Stayin' Alive: A Take Out Menu of Food Safety Hits," by toxicologist Carl Winter and featuring such rock parodies as "Fifty Ways to Eat Your Oysters" and "I Sprayed It on the Grapevine," donated by longtime Loser Sarah W. Gaymon of Gambrills. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 16. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phil Frankenfeld of Washington. Report from Week 605, in which we asked you to explain the difference or similarity between two real or fictional people with the same initials. This contest turned out to be harder than we'd predicted, with Losers stretching like Mrs. Incredible to contrive some pathetically awkward connection (e.g., "Jean-Jacques Rousseau taught us about the many faces of enlightenment. Joan Rivers's taut face is more like enfrightenment"). But as usual, among the chaff, there was, uh, wheat. Third runner-up: Bart Simpson never has a cow. Barbra Streisand never has a pig. (Mike Fransella, Arlington) Second runner-up: Carrie Bradshaw and Chef Boyardee: Sex and the ziti. (Chris Doyle, Raleigh) First runner-up, the winner of the antique French plate that was made in China in 2003: John Wilkes Booth and John Wayne Bobbitt: Booth wasn't around for the painful Reconstruction. (Kevin d'Eustachio and Andrew Dutton, Linwood, N.J.) And the winner of the Inker: Shirley Temple and Strom Thurmond: One publicly acknowledged a relationship with a Black. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Mick Jagger and Michael Jackson: Both date folks 30 years their junior. (Greg McGrew, Leesburg) Susan Sarandon was in "Rocky Horror"; Sylvester Stallone was in several "Rocky" horrors. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Bette Midler and Benito Mussolini: As far as I can tell, no pope has ever criticized either one by name. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bill Bixby and Barry Bonds: One became an incredible hulk by accident. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Yao Ming scores 20 times a night. So does Yo Mama!! (Brendan Beary) Peter Angelos and Pamela Anderson: Isn't he rich? Aren't they a pair? (Brendan Beary) Cher and Camille: When Camille retired, she retired. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Jose Canseco and Julius Caesar: Caesar's pals stabbed him in the back. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Charles Darwin and Charles de Gaulle: Both were concerned about how frogs might survive. (Mary Lou French, Eveleth, Minn.) Jimmy Dean and Jeffrey Dahmer: One wanted us to eat his sausages, the other wanted us to be his sausages. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) Barbara Eden and Buddy Ebsen: Both were stars of '60s sitcoms, and we never saw their navels. (Brendan Beary) Martha Stewart and "Last Tango in Paris" actress Maria Schneider: Martha would never let someone use butter straight from the wrapper. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Harrison Ford was famous for "Star Wars." Heidi Fleiss was famous getting stars whores. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Huck Finn and Heidi Fleiss: Huck went down the river. (Mark Eckenwiler) Jerry Garcia and Jeff Gillooly: A pipe got them in trouble with the law. (David Gardner, Richmond) James Hanratty and John Holmes: One was hanged . . . (Russell Beland) Pamela Harriman and Paris Hilton: Pamela was more discreet. (Chris Doyle) Robin Hood and Rock Hudson: Both liked their merry men. (Randy Lee, Burke; Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Jacques Barzun said, "Whoever wants to know the heart and mind of America had better learn baseball." Coincidentally, Joe Biden said that, too. (Brendan Beary) Thomas Hobbes and Tonya Harding: To Hobbes, life was nasty, brutish and short. Tonya just was. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Michael Jordan and Michael Jackson: They appeared in an equal number of Wizards playoff games. (Greg Pearson, Arlington) Bob Keeshan and Bobby Knight: Let's just say that Mr. Moose wouldn't dump those ping-pong balls a second time on one of them. (Brendan Beary) Alan Keyes believes in old-fashioned marriage between a man and a woman; Ashton Kutcher is a man who believes in a fashionable marriage to an old woman. (Schuyler Clemente, Northampton, Mass.) Jennifer Lopez and Jean Lafitte: The pirate tried to hide his booty. (Dave Franz, Havana, Cuba; Barbara Mason, Fort Washington) Broderick Crawford played a state trooper who protected the citizenry. Bill Clinton was protected by state troopers while he played with the citizenry. (Chris Doyle) Ru Paul and Richard Pryor: Only one was flaming by accident. (Mark Eckenwiler) Dan Rather and Damon Runyon: Both created memorable works of fiction. (Jerry Ewing, Orlando) Paul Revere and Paul Reubens: When Revere was caught, the British were coming. (Mark Eckenwiler) Ronald Reagan and Rocky Raccoon: The girls of their fancy were both known as Nancy. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) William Shakespeare gave us Hamlet; William Shatner gave us ham. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Helen of Troy and Harry Truman: One started a war and one ended one, although in both cases, Paris's weakness was partially to blame. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Mike Tyson and Mao Tse-tung: An hour after eating, Mike's always hungry again. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) Mark Twain and Mike Tyson: As good a raconteur as he was, Twain would still only bend your ear. (Mark Eckenwiler) Martha Washington and Mary Worth: Martha Washington was conceived a couple of years earlier. (Russell Beland) Thomas Wolfe and Ted Williams: One got home again and again. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Anti-Invitational: Elizabeth Dole. Her initials are ironic enough on their own. (Brendan Beary) And Lasts: Tiger Woods and Tom Witte: Both were winners on April 10, but one got a green jacket and the other got rat brain tissue on a slide. (Jeff Covel, Arlington) The Exorcist and The Empress: One casts out evil possessions, while the other mails them out as prizes. (Jerry Ewing) ====================================================================== WEEK 610, published May 15, 2005 Week 610: MASH Post "There's Something About Mary Poppins": The amazing secret of how she gets her power to fly. "American Beauty and the Beast": Despite his protestations that "they last way longer," a man's Valentine's gift of nylon roses fails to warm his girlfriend's heart. "The Wild Wild West Side Story": It's the posse against the lawless, and they both have some wicked ballet moves. So many movies out there, so little time. Think how many more you'd be able to see if you could view two of them simultaneously - - or better yet, "mashed" together a la the music "mash-ups" popular at dance clubs. This week's contest: Find two well-known movies -- oh, what the hey, you can use plays and TV shows, too - - whose titles have a significant word in common, combine their titles, and describe the hybrid. The descriptions can play off either their plots or just the words in the titles, as in the examples above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. But what you really want to try for is first runner-up, because that person will get something even better than the Little Naked Bookend With a Bag on the Head: the custom-made, one-of-a-kind leaded-glass Style Invitational Magnet box pictured here, lovingly crafted and donated by erstwhile Loser Peyton Coyner of Afton, Va. Magnets not included because we're just really petty. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets, also pictured here. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 23. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Peter Metrinko of Chantilly. Report from Week 606, in which we asked for poems based on articles from that week's Washington Post. The week's big news was the selection of the new pope and its aftermath (not to mention its beforemath), but the Losers found time to weigh in on dozens of other matters as well, proving that some of them occasionally read another page of the newspaper besides this one. Second runner-up: 'Some Hopeful, Others Disappointed by Pope' The gays who would marry, to whom we say nope. The gals who now carry, for priesthood, a hope. The geezers we harry to live and to cope But who'd rather not tarry, and ask for the rope. These souls should be chary of Benny the Pope.(Chris Doyle, Raleigh) First runner-up, winner of the "Time Is Money" analog- clock cuff links: 'Woman Jailed in Wendy's Chili Case; Questions Raised About Finger Story' What a perfect news concoction: Grand Guignol and farce! Any Reader loves a story mixing Leopards, limbs and larceny. Things look bad for Ms. Ayala, But diners' doubts still linger: Everybody's still not sure Who gave whom the finger. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) And the winner of the Inker: 'Casting Off Cookies' When we've got a social problem that'd cause our country shame, What's as good as a solution is a scapegoat we can blame. Now our kids are couch potatoes and they don't play out of doors, So we're haulin' Cookie Monster up for scarfin' down s'mores. First we've cut his brownie binges; next we'll buff up his physique; Soon he'll be extollin' exercise while noshin' on a leek, Then a final change to really make the transformation whole: We'll give 'im some new name like "Biff, the Tofu-Eatin' Troll." Aye, it's 'ello beets and broccoli, and goodbye Keebler Elves, For our chubby little children need protectin' from themselves. We won't take away their GameBoys or deny 'em their cartoons, So we're haulin' Cookie Monster up for eatin' macaroons. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Honorable Mentions: 'Calif. Gov. : U.S. Should "Close Borders" ' Arnold, when lacking good scripts, Lately suffers from somewhat loose lips, Saying feds are "too lax," And "closed borders" he backs. (He shoots better from guns, not from hips.) (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) 'Crowd Cheers White Smoke at St. Peter's,' which told of the confusion over what color smoke was coming from the cardinals' conclave: Oh, look, there's some puffin'! It's black, don't mean nuffin'. A wisp then of hope, But the same -- still no pope. The third plume is gray And so no one can say If the conclave has spoken. Gee, what are they smokin'? (Chris Doyle) White smoke? White smoke? White smoke? Nope. Black smoke. Black smoke. Black smoke. Pope! (John Eggerton, Springfield) 'Benedictine Warfare,' about incorrect predictions on the next pope: On hearing his sermon, This Rev did determine The next pope would never be Ratzinger. Turns out he misstated -- He should have awaited The aria sung by the fat singer. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) 'Fla. Man Secured BenedictXVI.com Weeks Ago' A businessman of some aplomb Registered BenedictXVI.com Tell me, how much time in Hell For co-opting the papal URL? (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) 'Bush Social Security Plan Proves Tough Sell Among Working Poor' Lis'n up, here, Mr. Dub, Don' mess wid mah retarment, Or else a boot-from-butt puller Will be yo' nex' requarment. (Fred S. Souk, Reston) 'GOP Senator Wavers on Bolton' Yes Vote Less Likely, Chafee Signals; White House Defends U.N. Nominee Lincoln Chafee may defect; White House rage is molten; From the ambassador-elect Others may be boltin'. White House spokesmen never cease Their bold, defensive mania. Condoleezza says her piece From distant Lithuania. Chafee, Hagel, Voinovich, Stoppin' now, and thinkin'; Could it be? Some sanity? The party, still, of Lincoln? For Bolton's bid, it's not too late To hear of things that taint it. The Senate's right to full debate Is truly sacred -- ain't it? (David Smith) And Last: Whan that Aprill, Monthe of Poetrie, Wolde have us all aspyring Chaucers be, Whenas a tale related in the Newse Reveel such witt, as to inclyne the Muse To drop a merrie verse into thy lappe, Then send it heere, and winneth ye some crappe. -- The Style Invitational, Week 606 (Brendan Beary) More Honorable Mentions appear on washingtonpost.com. More Honorable Mentions from Week 606 of The Style Invitational, which asked readers to interpret stories from that week's Post in poetic form: 'Juror's Woes Began With a Purchase' It happened in Old Town Manassas, Where trouble like this seldom brews, That a juror got into hot water For recklessly reading the news. It's no fun to sit on a jury; The poor woman needed a break, But one trip to 7-Eleven Turned into a costly mistake. She picked up The Washington Post there; The Potomac News also she bought. But this was expressly forbidden; By videotape she was caught. Now the judge has thrown out a conviction (The defense had first sought a mistrial); The juror may be facing charges Of perjury for her denial. So listen up, newspaper junkies, A bit of advice, if you please: To stay out of trouble, steer clear of that rag The Potomac News like a disease. (Submitted by Donald E. Graham, the big upstairs office) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 'Manassas Husband's Conviction Quashed' She bought a newspaper -- an innocent act. The tape from the store clearly bore out that fact. But what part of "no" did she not understand, When the judge warned all news and newspapers were banned? This juror must've thought she was exempt. No wonder she's now being held in contempt. (Jeff Covel, Arlington) 'Armstrong Retiring After Tour de France' Mr. Armstrong's retiring. It's so long to Lance, Who is surely deserving of rest. He's A great hero for owning that ol' Tour de France And for beating disease in his testes. (Max Gutmann, Sunnyvale, Calif.) 'Pakistani President Visits India' Musharraf went to India to meet with P.M. Singh, To hold some friendly talks and watch some cricket. They're trying to make nice, 'cause Kashmir's hanging by a string So neither told the other where to stick it. (Brendan Beary) 'Filmmaker Sydney Pollack, Doing What He Hates Best,' in which the director talked about the misery of the moviemaking process: Though he may not have enjoyed his Work in film, director Sydney Does admit he likes the outcome And he did it well, now, dydney? (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) 'Sole of the Sneakerhead,' about a collector of valuable athletic shoes : I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled, So you can see my $500 Nike Dunk SBs. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) ' Supreme Court to Decide Whether Church Can Import Drug' Hoasca tea: habitual? Religious freedom, ritual? Or quirky Albuquerque freaks? They'll sip till the Supreme Court speaks. With Bush they've struck a bitter chord, Hallucinating for the Lord. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) 'Now on DVD: The Sanitizer's Cut' Some people, while watching "Titanic," Get themselves in a virtual panic. It's not death and destruction they fear, But a glimpse of Kate Winslet's fine rear. And when watching them save "Private Ryan," They don't mind if you show people dyin'. But the director ignored rules of war When he showed all that visceral gore. What to do when it's not fit for eyes? Count on CleanFlicks, for they'll sanitize. (John Shea, Ardmore, Pa.) Chess column, April 25 I'm sure chess players don't deserve their nerdy reputation, But "White mates in three moves" is really too much information. (Brendan Beary) 'For Some, Thumb Pain Is BlackBerry's Stain' A hundred two e-mails a day Sent from meetings on my PDA. My thumbs are too sore To send any more. I'm stuck list'ning to what people say. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) 'Nationals Stretch Winning Streak to Five' Higgledy piggledy, Washington Nationals. Baseball is back in the City. Hooray! Season begins and they Incomprehensibly Charge into first, but will Stumble in May. (Chris Doyle, Raleigh) ' Church Turns to Its Guardian of the Faith' Dear Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, now Benedict Sixteen, To keep an upbeat image should be first among your goals. We're all a little sensitive, if you know what I mean, Whenever we hear tales of Germans coming after Poles. (Brendan Beary) 'Venerable Papal Tradition: The Very Smoke-Filled Room,' an article on some unsavory episodes surrounding papal selection over the centuries: Men in red dresses and gold satin sashes, Locked in a room to send smoke up from ashes. In history, holiness wasn't the thing: They did what they had to for that papal ring. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Sony, Toshiba Mull Unified Format to Avoid DVD War Sony and Toshiba Corp. Rolled out tatami floor mats, Sat down and started haggling On DVDs' new formats. Who will get to set the trends? Who remain alive? In the end, it all depends Who's got the greater drive. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Radar Used to Track Butterflies' Loop-de-Loops, about a research project that involves fastening a transponder to the butterfly's back: What's a metaphor? you ask (Aside from grazing cows in). It's just the thing a writer needs To earn his bread and housin'. Most poets want (nine out of 10) For any Ode to Spring, A butterfly to flutter by So sprightly on the wing. Now, science's egghead-long rush To plains of new discovery Has placed a yoke upon a flight Once delicate and hovery. "A butterfly was 'freedom' For its unencumbered flutter. And now it's just a cargo plane," You hear the poets mutter. What's the mutter for, you ask? We poets want our word in: "They've turned our monarch of the skies Into a beast of burden." (John Eggerton, Springfield) 'Pitchers Have Issues With Mound' The season's only started, but the Nationals have found Their pitchers have a problem with their footing on the mound. "No substance in the center" is their big objection; still, It's Washington, and just the same as on that other Hill. (Brendan Beary) 'Bush Signs Bankruptcy Bill,' a law that makes it harder to declare bankruptcy; it takes effect in six months: Just half a year, that's all I've got To implement my fiendish plot. Go bankrupt and expire from chills And stick the doctors with the bills. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 'My Sharona,' Revealing a Knack for Current Affairs? The right wing must be shocked to know the President's iPod Contains a song titled "My Sharona." It's smutty, and it's puerile. It's disgusting -- oh my God, It's sung by guys who eat kosher bologna! (Harvey Smith, McLean) ====================================================================== WEEK 611, published May 22, 2005 Week 611: Ask Backwards, Erudite Edition This week's contest: The Empress has received a bit of mail of late, ranging from polite tut-tuts to RAGING ALL-CAPITAL RANTS, suggesting that perhaps we should raise the level of our discourse from the "vulgar not clever!!!!," as one recent piece of fan mail put it. All right, then: Let us return to a favorite format. You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the sophisticated answers. You supply the questions. And we trust that your entries will display the levels of taste and maturity for which The Style Invitational is renowned. "Le Sacre du Printemps" but not "The Sack of Rome" 6.02 x 10{2}{3} pencils The Real Babinski Montaigne and the Rolling Stones The Isle of Wight and the Islets of Langerhans Hints From Abelard Bob II, Chapter 4, Verse 9 Marginal Futility Guns, Butter and Squeegees Yoknapatawpha Mall Sappho and Her Lyre Only in the slow movement of the "Pathetique" The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a superfantabulous prize donated by Russell Beland of Springfield as part of his obsessive effort to accumulate points in the Losers' own statistics (oh my yes, there's a serious competition going on among these people; see www.gopherdrool.com and click on Stats): "Star Trek" Lieutenant Barbie and Commander Ken, he in the typical '60s Enterprise garb, she in red micromini-dress, tricorder and huge spray of platinum hair. (Russell lost interest, however, because Barbie's boots lack four-inch heels.) The dolls come with pole-shaped stands; while Ken's hooks behind his back, Barbie's, well, must make her feel a bit uncomfortable. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, May 31. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 19. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of North Adams, Mass. This week's contest is adapted from an almost entirely different suggestion by Bill Spencer of Exeter, N.H. The idea below comes from Ken Gallant of Little Rock. Note to Losers everywhere: If you find the above "Jeopardy!" answers incredibly stupid and unworkable, show us some better ones. Send your own in a separate e-mail marked "Jeopardy" in the subject line, and we will use a dozen of the least unworkable for the next Ask Backwards we do. (Of course, if your answer is printed, you won't be able to send in an entry on that one.) Report From Week 607, in which readers were supposed to describe a historical event from a comically parochial perspective -- a self-centered, narrow viewpoint that is oblivious to the true history being made. A whole lot of entrants misunderstood what we wanted and sent in perfectly amusing jokes that either didn't quite fit this bill (e.g., "1066: English Welcome Decent Food," from Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn.) or didn't remotely ("Oct. 8, 1956: Larsen Hits Showers After 97 Pitches," from Elden Carnahan of Laurel). Third runner-up: April 12, 1955 : Iron Lung Manufacturer Regretfully Announces Layoffs (Thad Humphries, Warrenton) Second runner-up: June 6, 1944: Local Boy Visits Normandy Area of France; Reports Beaches There Are Crowded and Noisy (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) First runner-up, the winner of the Arabic-language book "Muslims in the United States": April 14, 1912: Ocean Liner Damages Iceberg; Environmentalists Enraged (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) And the winner of the Inker: 1879: Entomologists Delighted With Mr. Edison's Moth-Attracting Device (Anne Clark, Ann Arbor, Mich.) A Chronicle of Honorable Mentions: 1403 B.C.: Red Sea Clam Diggers Report Best Day Ever (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) A.D. 1: Census Influx Exposes Bethlehem Hotel Shortage; Some Visitors Redirected to Egypt (Vince Drayne, Chevy Chase; Fred S. Souk, Reston) 33, Jerusalem: Local Thief Spared; 2 Executed (John V.R. Williams, Rockville) July 4, 1826: Adams, Jefferson Die on Same Day; Madison, John Quincy Adams Have to Split 'Dead Pool'(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) April 15, 1865: 'Our American Cousin' Playwright Demands Full Performance After Last Night's Interruption (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Dave Kelsey, Fairfax) May 8, 1869: 'Golden Spike' Driven; Government Contractors Collude to Use Extravagant Materials in Construction Project, Critics Charge (Russell Beland, Springfield) October 1871, Chicago: Conflagration Could Have Been Prevented by Vegetarianism, Proponents Declare (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 1879, Menlo Park, N.J.: Cartoonists Gain New Symbol to Indicate Good Ideas (Art Grinath; Ron Jackson, Chevy Chase) April 18, 1906, San Francisco: Realtors Report Some Houses Have Improved Views (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Aug. 15, 1914: Palindrome Writers Elated at Canal Opening (Art Grinath; Russell Beland) Aug. 20, 1929: 10-lb. William Moulden Born at Georgetown Hospital; Stock Market Hits Record High; Both Events Promise Many Years of Happiness (Bill Moulden, Frederick) May 3, 1937: Dirigible Mishap Heralds Explosion in Helium Futures (Chris Doyle, Raleigh; Kimmarie Kryscnski, Brunswick, Md.) Dec. 7, 1941: Waikiki Beach Volleyball Tourney Canceled (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.) Aug. 6, 1945: Einstein Equation Verified, Physics Professors Note (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) 11:30 a.m., May 29, 1953: Edmund Hillary Proves His Watch Works (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) Nov. 24, 1963: Thousands Thrill to NFL Action as Championship Race Tightens! (Jack Cackler, Falls Church) Dec. 3, 1967: Janitors Complain of 3-Hour Operating Room Cleanup After Dr. Barnard Performs Some Surgery (Barry Blyveis) June 17, 1972: At DNC Headquarters, Scotch Brand Masking Tape Holds the Door Open for History (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Aug. 8, 1974: Office of Personnel Management Notes High-Level Use of 'Early Out' Option (Jeff Covel, Arlington) April 1975: As Saigon Falls, U.S. Strip Malls Await New Cuisine (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) November 1975: Death of Generalissimo Inspires Writers at Fledgling Comedy Sketch Show (Stephen Dudzik) Dec. 8, 1980: Residents of N.Y.'s Dakota Apartment House Complain of Noise on Sidewalk (Judith Cottrill, New York) 1985: Interior Decorators Tout New 'AOL' Coasters (Anne Clark) Jan. 20, 1989: Quayle Sworn In as Vice President; Comedy Writers Begin 4-Year Stint of Working Overtime (Russell Beland) Nov. 12, 1989: German Graffiti Artists Distraught After 'Our Favorite Canvas' Is Demolished (Art Grinath; John V.R. Williams; Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) June 14, 1994: Ford Bronco Shows Poor Gas Mileage, Even at Low Speed, SUV Opponents Note (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) 1995, Brentwood, Calif.: Product Placement Proves Success: Ford Broncos, Bruno Magli Shoes, Isotoner Gloves Report Soaring Brand Recognition (Chris Doyle) Dec. 14, 2003: Czar Steps Down From The Style Invitational; C. Smith Returns to Heterosexual Life (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Oct. 27, 2004: St. Louis Cardinals Lose World Series (Joseph Romm, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 612, published May 29, 2005 Week 612: Oh, and One More Thing Great Fast-Food Ventures, Idea No. 102: Leech-on-a-Stick! Rules for Buying a House, No. 102: Make sure the icemaker produces cubes that have nice corners on them, instead of those weird curves. Ways to Stay Looking Young, Idea No. 102: Convert to Judaism and wear a yarmulke to cover your bald spot. It is a tenet of the hack book industry that 100 just isn't quite enough. Which is why the ubiquitous 101 list was devised. Go into your local bookstore and you'll be confronted with 101 Things to Think About When Buying a House, 101 Uses for Plastic Toothpicks Shaped Like Buccaneer Swords, etc. In a lot of these books, the authors are struggling gamely to fill out the list and make quota. So for This Week's Contest, from the brain of Style Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake himself: What was the 102nd thing -- on any list you come up with -- the one that didn't make the cut? Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up gets exactly 102 nasturtium seeds raised by the contest-suggester himself, direct from Cape Cod (though he cannot promise more than maybe 12 will bloom). The Empress will throw in a three-pack of Funky Fresh hanging air fresheners in the shape of beefsteaks ("Smells like BBQ Meat!"), discourtesy of Russell Beland of Springfield. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 6. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. Report from Week 608, in which we asked for snappy retorts to rude questions or comments. Some people sent in snappy retorts to non-rude questions, such as this one from Tom Witte of Montgomery Village: "Q. Do you swear to tell the truth? A. Hello! I'm a criminal, remember?" Maybe nobody's ever rude to Tom. Third runner-up: "Man, if your belly was on a woman, I'd swear she was pregnant." "It was, and she is." (Veggo Larsen, Turks and Caicos Islands) Second runner-up: "Are you walking that dog or is he walking you?" "Actually, he's walking me, so would you mind helping him with the pooper scooper?" (Marcy Alvo, Annandale) First runner-up, the winner of the six-foot-tall inflatable palm tree: "Do you play basketball?" "No, do you sumo-wrestle?" (Six-foot-tall Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) And the winner of the Inker: "Say, baby, let's make like we're the last two people on Earth." "If we were, pal, we always would be." (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Honorable Mentions: "Would it kill you to call your mother more often?" "Sorry, I'm not willing to take that risk." (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) "How tall are you? 6-1, 6-2?" "6-2. What's your IQ? 61, 62?" (Hope Linske-Rice, the contest suggester's over-six-foot-tall younger sister, Potomac Falls) "I liked you better with long hair." "So did I, but I really needed the chemo." (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City, who actually used this retort) "Are you losing your hair?" "No, I'm growing my forehead. Thanks for noticing!" (Luke Currano, Columbia) "You're not wearing that tonight, are you?" "No, this is what I'm wearing to your funeral. I was just practicing." (Judith Cottrill, New York) "Are those breasts real?" "No, but your husband thinks so." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "Was it good for you, baby?" "Oh, good, bad, mediocre, uninspired, second-rate, pedestrian, humdrum, insipid, forgettable, regrettable -- why do we have to put a label on it?" (Tom Witte) . . . "Sure. Of course, a rectal exam is good for me, too, but I don't plan to do that more than once every five years either." (Joseph Romm, Washington) [Pointing] "Implants?" [Pointing] "Lobotomy?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Haven't you had that baby yet?" "Actually I have, but he was so noisy I stuck him back in." (Bonnie Hughes, Reston) "Honey, I really think you need to get a boob reduction." "So do I, sweetheart -- so I'm seeing a divorce lawyer tomorrow." (Michelle Stupak) "When are you going to give me grandchildren?" "Hey, for all those years I asked, did you ever get me a pony for Christmas?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "Do you have any idea just who I am?" "Someone who thinks he's important?" (Russell Beland) "Is that your dog urinating on my tree?" "I think the question should be why are you watching? You some kind of sicko?" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" "No vacancy." (Mark Eckenwiler) . . . "Right now, it's 'I'm With Stupid.' "(Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) "Why are you still single?" "I'm not scheduled to cell-divide till Thursday." (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) "Are you having a baby?" "No, I just need to exhale." (James Noble, Lexington Park) . . . "No, but I do plan to name this tumor after you." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) "Have you tried dieting?" "I'm comfortable with my weight, just like you're comfortable with your stupidity." (Jean Sorensen) "Was your baby an accident?" "Yes. I was leaning over scrubbing the bathtub when my husband tripped and impregnated me." (Luke Currano) "Were those triplets natural or in vitro?" "Oh, they're adopted. We figured if we got them all at once we'd only have to pay for one lawyer." (Beth Morgan) "You look terrible -- are you tired?" "No, I just like to accessorize with the latest designer eyebags." (Michelle Weltman, Clayton, Mo.) "Oh, you're here?" "I am? Thank heavens, I thought I was lost!" (Judith Cottrill) "Are you an illegal alien?" "Klaatu barada nikto." (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) "Is that a diamond or cubic zirconia?" [Scratching her car] "Hey, guess it's real!" (Jeff Brechlin) "How much money do you make a year?" "How much excrement do you make a year?" (Luke Currano) "Were you born in a barn?" "You mean like Jesus of Nazareth?" (Mark Eckenwiler) "Do you think I'm saying this just to hear myself talk?" "No, I think you're saying it for people in Guam to hear you talk -- I mean, sheesh, don't you have a volume button?" (Brendan Beary) "Are you always this immature?" "I know you are but what am I?" (Chuck Smith) "Don't you know that smoking kills?" "Yes, and I've been meaning to ask: When the smokers are all dead, who will you annoy then?" (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) "If you were really my friend, you'd tell me the truth." "Okay, the truth is I'm really not your friend." (Michelle Stupak) "Don't you think you can do better than him?" "I believe in marrying for love -- after all, where would you be if your husband had tried to do better?" (Brendan Beary) "Do you mind if I read over your shoulder?" "Go ahead, but I have to warn you: Some of the words have more than three letters." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "What ever made you think I'd be interested in doing anything with someone like you?" "Well, that's what it says on the doors of all the stalls." (Russell Beland) "I keep looking for your name in The Style Invitational, but unfortunately it's never there." "I keep looking for your name in the obituaries, but unfortunately it's never there." (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) ====================================================================== WEEK 613, published June 5, 2005 Week 613: Tour de Fours II ERNA: Bumpernannies: The new game for spoiled rich children. RENA: Re-nad: To undo a vasectomy. AREN: Arenting: Just saying no to your kids, all the time. This week's contest is a reprise of one we debuted last year to great success: Create and define a word that includes, consecutively, four letters that we supply -- this week's are E, R, A and N, in any order, as in the examples above. The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a colorful dinner-size plate from the American Dietetic Association that, right in the middle, offers a "2,000-Calorie Sample Meal Plan" detailing a healthy menu that you can contrast with the grease- dripping stuff you've actually prepared. Lest this be too daunting, the back of the plate, in teeny-tiny print, says: "NOT INTENDED FOR FOOD USE." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, June 13. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report From Week 609, in which the Empress solicited fictional contributions to The Post's corrections box: Third runner-up: A June 4 news article described White House senior adviser Karl Rove as "a vicious old bloodsucker in the thrall of corporate paymasters." Mr. Rove is 54. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Second runner-up: The reviewer of "Monster-in-Law" incorrectly described the film as "two hours of my life I'll never get back." The film's actual running time is 101 minutes. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) First runner-up, the winner of the CD of pop song parodies about food safety: In last week's Book World, authorship of the anonymous poem beginning "There was an old man from Nantucket" was incorrectly attributed to Emily Dickinson.(Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) And the winner of the Inker: Due to a transcription error, the Indian prime minister's wife at Tuesday's White House dinner was incorrectly described as wearing "a sorry ensemble." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: In the April 24 Travel article "Hiking in Grizzly Country," a word was omitted from the final sentence. The sentence should have read: "Be sure never to carry chunks of raw meat in your pockets." Also, a May 11 article, "Area Hikers Mauled in Yellowstone," contained erroneous information supplied by a park official who reported that all the victims were from Maryland; in fact, one was from Virginia. (Dennis Lindsay) Yesterday's obituary of the North Korean ambassador contained an inaccurate date. According to CIA sources, his death will not occur for several days. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) In an article on swearing in local schools, the principal of George Washington Elementary was misquoted. "He's a %#!!@#ing liar" was actually "He's a %#!!ing liar." (Chris Doyle, Raleigh) A recent Metro article listed James Schlemtz of 1223 J St. NE as the surprise witness who prosecutors fear might be murdered before he can testify. While accurate, the story should not have included that information. (Russell Beland, Springfield) A recent editorial noted that John Bolton's mustache looked "as if it had been torn from the rear end of a baboon." Baboon rear ends are bare. The correct simile is "Japanese snow monkey." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) A correction in yesterday's paper incorrectly indicated that the editors regretted making an error in the previous day's edition. The editors actually felt no remorse for the mistake. This newspaper regrets the error. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis) A series of printing errors on the Op-Ed page caused George F. Will to appear to be even more of an insufferable pedant than his column usually makes him out to be. (Russell Beland) In an article about a principal who refused to let the school chorus sing "Louie Louie," the lyrics "Eh fnh lttl grurl shweat Fermi" should have read "Ehh fnne little ghullsh wate furme." (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Due to a typographical error, an obituary stated that Joseph McDonald was survived by his wife of 270 years. They were actually married for 27 years. It only seemed like 270. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Workers took two hours to remove an eight-foot crucifix from the apse of St. James Cathedral, not the "arse of St. James" as reported. (Bird Waring, New York) A recent editorial said the president's IQ was equal to his shoe size. It should have made clear that it was referring to European sizes, which have higher numbers than American sizes. For instance, American men's size 10 is equivalent to a European size 43. (Russell Beland) An article titled "Ann Coulter's Favorite Flicks" should not have included the Zapruder film. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) In last week's Food section, the lists in "Tom Sietsema's 20 Favorite D.C. Dining Destinations" and "D.C. Restaurants Closed for Health Violations" were inadvertently transposed. (Greg Pearson, Arlington) The map accompanying an article on Monday's Science Notebook page should have depicted a tortoise, not an elephant, holding the Earth on its back. (Jan Stanley, Reston) Wednesday's Miss Manners column incorrectly stated that if a crouton falls down the dress of the lady seated next to you, etiquette dictates removing it with the sugar tongs. While that remains the case in Europe, Americans follow the precedent set by Woodrow Wilson at a 1916 state dinner, in which the fingers were used. (Mike Fransella, Arlington) An item in yesterday's Post said the Washington Times would pay $1 apiece for used diapers for a consumer study. This was erroneous. Oops. Our bad. (Dan Seidman) In an article on the history of the Potomac River, rowing enthusiast Max Schmitt was misquoted; he actually referred to Fletcher's as "the best oarhouse I've ever been to." (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) A recent article in Health suggested that thousands of people are deliberately injecting their faces with botulism toxin. That's just got to be wrong. (Russell Beland) Friday's Federal Page reported on John Smith's promotion from Special Assistant to the Assistant Deputy Undersecretary at the Department of Homeland Security to Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary for Special Projects at DHS. Further investigation reveals that this was actually a demotion. (Joseph Romm, Washington, former Special Assistant to the Deputy Secretary of Energy, and also Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary, and even Acting Assistant Secretary for six months) Because of a typographical error, the May 13 editorial page masthead listed The Washington Post's publisher as "Full o' B.S. Jones." His real name is Boisfeuillet Jones Jr. (Tom Witte) Yesterday's Ask Amy column replied to "Lonely in Largo" with advice that was wrong, wrong, wrong. Don't mistake the giddiness of this new fling for the constancy of your old love. Yes, it can be hard to love a man who's away every night writing corrections at the newspaper, but, oh, come on, Doreen, I'm just asking for another chance. (Brendan Beary) And Last: In violation of Post editorial policy, today's Style Invitational improperly lists the contest's judge under a pseudonym, "The Empress." She is Valerie Plame. (R. Novak, Washington) (Mark Eckenwiler) Next Week: MASH, or Meshin' Pictures ====================================================================== WEEK 614, published June 12, 2005 Week 614: In Stock Characters Mr. Fixit arrives to repair an antique Ms. Pac-Man game, but through a sudden techno-warp, he winds up a character in the game itself. Ms. Pac-Man is a slave of a warlord who forces her to race around ratlike mazes for the amusement of others. Despite some anatomical differences -- he, for example, is not a wafer without genitalia -- Mr. Fixit and Ms. Pac-Man fall in love. Mr. Fixit rescues her from the machine, and they live together as man and mouth. Mr. Clean Mr. Coffee Mr. Peanut Dr Pepper Mrs. Butterworth Mr. Fixit Mrs. Dash Mrs. Smith Mrs. Fields Mr. Pibb Mr. Potato Head Ms. Pac-Man Aunt Jemima Cap'n Crunch Mr. Dee-Lish Uncle Ben Molly McButter Betty Crocker Mrs. Paul Chef Boyardee Johnnie Walker Bartles & Jaymes Bazooka Joe Count Chocula Baby Ruth Papa John Captain Morgan Burger King Dairy Queen Cracker Jack Mister Salty Ms. Magazine This week's contest, suggested by Jim Ward of Alexandria: Pitch us an idea for a summer movie featuring two or more of the above characters, as in the example above. The description may be no more than . . . hmm, 82 words. Other than that, you have free rein (except, of course, that entries must be within the Empress's strict standards of taste and propriety). The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets an empty bottle of the French wine Chateau des Tourettes, whisked away by the Empress from Phil Frankenfeld of Washington. There is no indication that this wine produces any unusual side effects. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 20. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Report from Week 610, in which we asked you to "mash" two movies, TV shows, etc., into a single work of art and describe it: The Empress got an enormous response to this contest, at least 4,000 entries, the most in at least a year, evidently because it was pretty easy to combine the names of two movies to make a funny- sounding hybrid. What proved a whole lot harder was to say anything very interesting about it. So below, there's no "Agnes of Godzilla," or "Othello Dolly" or "Magnum P.I. Claudius" or "Beauty Shop of Horrors," to name but a few of the many that received multiple tries, but no imperial green light. Third runner-up: The Wizinator: A steroid-fueled cyborg pursues Dorothy and her companions as they attempt to reach the Emerald City in time to take their court-mandated drug tests. But along the Yellow Brick Road there were some poppies . . . (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Second runner-up: Please Don't Eat Miss Daisy: Hannibal Lecter lands a job driving for a prim southern spinster. (Peter Metrinko and Laura Miller, Chantilly) First runner-up, winner of Peyton Coyner's custom-made Style Invitational Magnet box: Pollyanna Karenina: "Oh, my -- isn't that the most beautiful train?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the winner of the Inker: Terminators of Endearment: At last, the perfect "compromise" date movie. (Paul Whittemore, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: Valley Girl With a Pearl Earring: There's this girl, Julie? She gets to be a model for, like, a famous photograph or something. (Chris Kervina, Manassas) It's a Wonderful Life Is Beautiful: A man sees how depressing a Nazi concentration camp would have been without him.(Eric Murphy, Chicago; Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) My Left Footloose: A dancer with leprosy sees the imminent end of his career. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) The French Lieutenant's a Man and a Woman: Confused sexual identity threatens morale in Napoleon's army. (Fred S. Souk, Reston) The Americanization of Amelie: The cute, quirky French girl finds herself getting a big butt. (Bill Caldwell, Shawnee-on-Delaware, Pa.) Soylent Green Acres: Two rich urban retirees find out the real meaning of being "put out to pasture." (Carolyn Steele, Annandale) The Man With the Golden Gunga Din: James Bond finally meets a better man than he. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) The Lion in Winterminator 2: Eleanor of Aquitaine can't be bargained with. She can't be reasoned with. She doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And she absolutely will not stop. Until you are dead. (Tom Kreitzberg) 2001 Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: A computer attempts to get out of work by acting crazy, but things get out of hand and he ends up with a circuit-otomy. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Love Toy Story: Woody, an old favorite, feels threatened by the arrival of the new battery-powered Buzz Lightyear. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Das Booty Call: When the German sub fleet puts in to port, they're ready for some action! (Brendan Beary) A Bullet Is Waiting for Godot: Let's just say Vladimir and Estragon have had it up to here. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Wag the Dogma: A group of apostles spin some messianic nonsense to distract the public from the Pilate-Magdalene affair. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis) The Full Monty Python and the Holy Grail: The search for the missing cup. (Steven J. Allen, Manassas) Man on Fire Down Below: An educational film about STDs and their symptoms. (Judith Cottrill, New York; Beth Morgan) Gandhi-Haw: An hour of Delhi laughs and homespun humor. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Inherit the Wind in the Willows: Did Mole descend from Rat? Or was it the other way around? Let a jury decide! (Joseph Romm, Washington) Gilligan's Island of Dr. Moreau: A mad scientist's plans to perform experimental lobotomies on seven castaways are spoiled when he realizes that someone has already beaten him to it. (Meg Sullivan) Throw Momma From the Planes, Trains & Automobiles: Young Grigori discovers the family secret when he tries to bump off his mother, Mrs. Rasputin. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) DracuLa Recherche du Temps Perdu: Memories of his past life come flooding back when a vampire bites into Madeleine. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Two and a Half Men at Work: The tragic tale of OSHA factory regulations ignored. (Robin Parry, Arlington) Waiting for Godot to Exhale: Don't hold your breath. (Mark Eckenwiler) Independence Day After Tomorrow: Aliens stupidly attack Earth right after global warming has rendered the planet uninhabitable. (Joseph Romm) Guess Who's Coming to My Dinner With Andre?: A white guy and a black guy sit and listen to a boring guy. (John Chamberlain, Silver Spring) Bob & Carol & Ted (Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore): After the divorce, Ted settles into a menage a trois. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis; Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) You Only Live Twice, Pussycat: The other cats gang up on Felix and say nasty things to him. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Tequila Sunrise at Campobello: Suddenly Eleanor starts looking pretty good. (Bonnie Jacob, Alexandria) The Thin Red Blue Long Grey Line: A bus company offers an extended tour of the American political landscape. (Bonnie Jacob) Big Top Pee-wee Willie Winkie: You wouldn't call this movie a tearjerker, but you may want to bring a box of Kleenex anyway. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) My Fair Lady Sings the Blues: "Cocaine, I'm sayin', stays mainly in the vein." (Hamdi Akar, Springfield; Chris Doyle) Pretty in Pink Flamingoes: Andie can't make up her mind: Should she date the class hottie or the gross, feces-eating drag queen? (Beth Morgan) Die Another Day After Tomorrow: The world ends not with a stir, but with a shake. (Wunji L. Lau, Fishers, Ind.) Next Week: Ask Backwards: Erudite Edition or Cerebral Humorrhage ====================================================================== WEEK 615, published June 19, 2005 Week 615: Airy Persiflage "We'll be boarding today by SAT scores -- lowest scorers first, please." This week's contest is a nifty little tie-in with Gene Weingarten's "Below the Beltway" humor column in today's Washington Post Magazine. In it, Gene interviews a standup comic named Dave George, who gets paid to make jokey announcements over the PA system at, of all places, Dulles International Airport, such as the one above. Here's the deal: You write some more jokes you'd like to hear in an airport announcement. And Dave, who works for Independence Air, will actually announce -- and videotape passenger reactions to -- the funniest ones that don't concern safety or security and are not horribly tasteless or risque. (These are not necessarily the same criteria that the Empress will use, however.) We hope to show the video on washingtonpost.com. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a genuine black plastic welder's mask, complete with that window thing that flips down, donated by Russell Beland of Springfield. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 27. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland. Report from Week 611, in which you were asked to give "Jeopardy!"-type questions to any of 12 answers, most of which contained fairly intellectual references. But as you'll see below, the winning entries often ignored their academic origin. Here's a key to some of the erudition: The French scholar Peter Abelard fell in love with Heloise, the girl he tutored; her uncle eventually had him castrated. The islets of Langerhans are in the pancreas. The ballet "Le Sacre du Printemps" ("The Rite of Spring") caused a riot upon its premiere. Marginal utility is the economic concept of the added worth of one more unit of a product. Montaigne was a 16th-century essayist. The Babinski reflex makes toes curl upward. Sappho was the famous ancient poet from Lesbos. 6.02 x 10{2}{3} is the number of molecules in one mole of a chemical substance. William Faulkner set several works in fictional Yoknapatawpha County, Miss. Second runners-up: Answer: Sappho and Her Lyre. Question: What are the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy's code names for Hillary and Bill Clinton? (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda; Joseph Romm, Washington) First runner-up, winner of "Star Trek" Barbie and Ken: Yoknapatawpha Mall: Where do you go when the fetid stench of a humid night hangs on the lip of the sky like a cold sore and magnolia trees shimmering with a patina of regret reach for the sky with the power of a generation lost and the weight of your ancestors throttles your soul so hard that you need Tylenol? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) And the winner of the Inker: Bob II, Chapter 4, Verse 9: What is: And the guards said unto Pilate: "Where wouldst thou want this killing done?" And he saith unto them: "Out there, upon Highway LXI"? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Honorable Mentions: The Isle of Wight & the Islets of Langerhans: What two things will I be really interested in when I'm 64? (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.; Katherine Hooper, Jacksonville) Which territories were exchanged by the treaty ending the Celtic- Pancreatic Wars? (Fred S. Souk, Reston) What are two places where Jimi Hendrix didn't perform at his best? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) What are two stopovers on a Fantastic Voyage? (Phil Battey, Alexandria) What are two little places where you can't get something good to eat, either because they are in the pancreas or because they serve English food there? (Roy Ashley, Washington) Guns, Butter and Squeegees: What are President Bush's programs for dealing with terrorists, the rich and the unemployed? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton; Elizabeth Molye, Fairfax) What were the three items that fans most often tried to smuggle into prison for Martha Stewart? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore; Katherine Hooper) Hints From Abelard: What newspaper column describes how turnips make an excellent faux codpiece stuffing? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) What's the most popular column on the Unix User Group Web site? (Tom Witte) "Le Sacre du Printemps" but not the Sack of Rome: What has become an annual tradition among U.S. college students? (Harold Walderman, Columbia; Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio) Marginal Futility: How did Sergio Aragones feel about his long-standing assignment at Mad Magazine? (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) What was it like getting Ms. Schott to sing "We Shall Overcome"? (Paul Styrene, Olney) What's an anagram for "Tug Italian firmly" and "Man, I fart guiltily"? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Montaigne and the Rolling Stones: Who brought down the house at Altamontmartre? (Chris Doyle, Salinas, Calif.) What French essayist and rock band both date back to somewhere around the 16th century? (Judith Cottrill, New York) Who wrote "Of the Necessity to Remove Thyself From My Cloud"? (Jeff Brechlin) Only in the Slow Movement of the "Pathetique": You've forgotten to turn off your cell, with the ring tone set to "We Will Rock You." When will it go off? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Since his mom wouldn't let him ride the Whirl 'n' Hurl and Cheat the Reaper roller coasters, where did Billy have to spend his whole day at the amusement park? (Brendan Beary) The Real Babinski : What foot masseur didn't achieve success until he switched his stage name from "The Podophile"? (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Who is Anna Kournikova? (Jack Cackler, Falls Church; Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) What was Babar's grandfather's name before he came through Ellis Island? (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Sappho and Her Lyre: What sounds like it should be a really hot video, unless it turns out to be, y'know, just Sappho and her lyre? (Brendan Beary) How was the Marx Sister billed? (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Who's in the kitchen with Dinah, strumming on the old banjo? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) What was the opening act for Priapus and His Organ? (Chris Doyle) Yoknapatawpha Mall: Where is the only food court where you can skin your own dinner? (Sue Lin Chong) What brand of cigarettes sold better after the name was shortened to Pall Mall? (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Where was Billy Joe MacAllister supposed to be going when he headed for the Tallahatchie Bridge? (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) In what shopping center is The Gap a dentist's office? (Russell Beland) How would you anagram "Apply anal tomahawk" to sneak it into a family newspaper? (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) 6.02 x 10{2}{3} pencils Over the years, how much makeup has Cindy Crawford used to keep that cute mole on her face? (Marc Leibert, New York; Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.; Peter Metrinko) What's the Bush administration's name for the U.S. national forest system? (Mike Cisneros; Robin D. Grove, Woodbridge; Brendan Beary) What's the code in the Pfizer accounting department for the number of Viagra doses sold? (Michelle Stupak) And Last: What is an appropriate Style Invitational Prize because it consists of an enormous quantity of No. 2? (Mark Eckenwiler; Brendan Beary) Next Week: Oh, and One More Thing, or A Fever of 102s ====================================================================== WEEK 616, published June 26, 2005 Week 616: Picture This, Kids When not inflicting his cartoons on The Washington Post, Style Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake, among other things, pens children's picture books. We surreptitiously borrowed this sketchbook labeled "Staake's New Kids' Project," but unfortunately Bob hadn't written a title or a synopsis of the new book. This week's contest: Supply title and one-sentence synopsis of same. You can also include some sample text to accompany one of the pictures. The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a large ceramic coffee mug, or perhaps small planter, with prominent facial features, including a handlebar mustache, jutting out of it. And we'll even throw in a genuine souvenir mini-mug from the 1982 World's Fair in Knoxville, Tenn. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, July 5. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest was submitted by both John O'Byrne of Dublin and Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. The mugs for this contest were donated by Michelle Stupak of Ellicott City. Report from Week 612, in which we asked for a "No. 102" that wouldn't have made it onto a list of "101 Whatevers" of your choosing: First, an interruption: It has come to the Empress's attention, via several tattling readers, that one of the retorts printed in Week 612 was nowhere close to original. Since the offender did fess up and apologize upon being confronted, it is not necessary to name names here. Suffice it to say that the next person caught pulling a Steal Invitational will be presented with a Veggo Award, and banned from the contest thenceforth. Now back to the 102 Ideas: Some of the ideas were just too good to have been down there at No. 102. Surely making the Top 10 of their respective lists, for example, would have been: "Names for Pit Bulls: Lorena," by Jeff Covel of Arlington; not to mention "How to Win the Style Invitational: Use 'Heideggerian' and 'colostomy' in the same sentence," from Phil Frankenfeld of Washington. Third Runner-Up: 101 Ways to Save Money, No. 102: Spit your mouthwash back into the bottle to be used again. The alcohol kills all the germs, so one bottle can last for years. (Stephen Greene, Boston) Second Runner-up: 101 Reasons to Believe in Intelligent Design, No. 102: All that evidence for evolution couldn't have gotten there by chance. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax) First Runner-Up, winner of the 102 nasturtium seeds from Bob Staake's garden, plus the barbecue-scented car air fresheners: 101 Fun Prom Themes, No. 102: "Prescience 2025: Glimpsing Our 20- Year Reunion." (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio) And the Winner of the Inker: 101 Ways to Stay Looking Young, No. 102: Iron your face. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And no, we're not giving out 102 Honorable Mentions: 101 Ways to Cope With Stress, No. 102: Set aside a little quiet time for yourself and update your enemies list.(Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) 101 Fun Activities for Family Car Trips, No. 102: Blindfold Dad and see if he can steer just from your directions. (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.) 101 Great Cookbook Themes, No. 102: "The Fear Factor Feast." (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) 101 Ways to Torment Your Cat, No. 102: Look at him, whisper behind your hand and snicker. (Most people don't know this, but cats are very paranoid.) (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) 101 Best Concepts for a Reality Show, No. 102: The Polygamist Bachelor. Watch as a polygamist whittles a group of 16 potential brides down to 15 and marries them all. (Wayne Rodgers) 101 Ways to Lose Weight, No. 102: The Mouth Beach Diet: Sand fills you up quickly, and works better than bran to clean you out. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) 101 Ways to Improve Your SAT Scores, No. 102: Wite-Out. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 101 Ways to Lower Your IRS Bill Legally, No. 102: Make quarterly tax payments of 13 cents each, then, when you do your taxes, round the 52 cents up to a full dollar. (Russell Beland) 101 Best Members of the U.S. Senate, No. 102: Sen. Rick Santorum. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 101 Things You Want to Hear Your Surgeon Say, No. 102: "Nurse, bring me my lucky scalpel." (Herb Greene, Catonsville, Md.) 101 Ways to Entertain Yourself on the Metro, No. 102: Close your eyes and try to guess the station stop by listening to the driver. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) 101 Great Pickup Lines, No. 102: "Hi, I'm Ms. Letourneau. I'll be your teacher this year." (Heather and Tim Allen, Westford, Mass.) 101 Ways to Quit Smoking, Idea No. 102: After purchase, dip each cigarette in kerosene. Let dry and replace in pack. (Katherine Hooper, Jacksonville) 101 Cocktail Recipes, No. 102: Tuna Daiquiri. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) 101 Tips for a Killer Resume, No. 102: Under "Honors, Prizes and Distinctions," be sure to include "Honorable Mention, Washington Post Style Invitational Contest CIX (March 24) 2002." (Verbatim from the curriculum vitae of an actual English professor, discovered by Martin Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.) 101 Meals for People on the Go, No. 102: Toaster Ribs. (Molly Norton, San Francisco) 101 Ways to Survive a Dull Sermon, No. 102: Slap your neighbor. See if he turns the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the minister. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) 101 Job Interview Tips, No. 102: Ask for the name of the interviewer's cosmetic surgeon. (Marjorie Streeter, Reston) 101 Great Educational Gifts for Children, No. 102: Li'l CSI Kit, with real blood, semen, urine and fecal samples. (Ron Stanley, Reston) 101 Wedding Planning Ideas, No. 102: Be sure to slip away for some "you time" before the big day arrives. (Sharon Seeger, Herndon) 101 Ways to See the Sights of Washington, No. 102: Rent a Cessna. (Jeff Covel; Guy de Blank, Hamilton, Va.) 101 Dremel Tool Projects, No. 102: Hemorrhoid removal. (James A. Noble, Lexington Park) 101 Ways to Make Your Child Feel Special, No. 102: Give him an all-day pass to Disneyland and a bus ticket to Anaheim. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 101 Uses for the Old VCR, No. 102: Plug it in each New Year's Eve to celebrate with the blinking "12:00." (Robin D. Grove, Woodbridge) 101 Excuses for the Redskins, No. 102: Maybe they're just not all that good. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) 101 Highest Floors of the Empire State Building, No. 102: The lobby. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) And Last: 101 Ways to Get Ink in The Style Invitational, No. 102: Make fawning compliments about the judge's rugged masculine good looks. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) And Even Laster: 101 Ways to Get the Most Out of Life, No. 102: Spend every spare moment writing gags for a newspaper. (Russell Beland) ====================================================================== WEEK 617, published July 3, 2005 Week 617: Best the Best "Well, I was, like, a woman, y'know. William was, y'know, like, a man. So I'm, like, so lonely. Willie is, like, well, Willie. Anyway, a wink, some skin, 'lookie lookie,' we make some nookie . . ." This week's contest: On April 16, 2000, the Czar of The Style Invitational, may he rest in "retirement," printed what he would later declare the best Invitational winner ever: The example above is only a fraction of the tour-de-force submission by Richard Grossman of McLean of a passage consisting entirely of the letters of the subject's name, in this case one Monica Lewinsky. Actually, all of that week's results were excellent, but only 16 entries were printed, and several of them focused on Clinton-era notables. The Empress decrees that it's time to give it another go: Write something about any famous personage that uses only the letters in his or her name. It can be short or long; it does not have to use all the letters, and it can use a letter more than once. The more natural the syntax, the better. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives the complete seven-volume Chronicles of The Style Invitational, compiled and donated by Truly Has-No-Life Loser Russell Beland of Springfield. This amazing work comprises the first 500 printed entries from Invitational Hall of Famers Chuck Smith, Jennifer Hart, Tom Witte, Chris Doyle and Russ himself, plus a collection of miscellany and an index of Weeks 1 through 599. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 11. Put "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest is based on an idea by Francis Heaney, whom we didn't credit last time until he complained. The revised title for next week's contest is by Joseph Romm of Washington. Report from Week 613, in which we asked you to coin words containing the letters E, R, A and N, consecutively but in any order you liked. Saul Singer of Silver Spring sent in "Neararena" (property within walking distance of MCI Center), which he proudly noted contained doubles of E, R, A and N -- and no other letters - - but didn't note that the answer wasn't particularly funny. Third runner-up: Stalloneranger: Yo, Silver! (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Second runner-up: Supranecessity: The mother of all mothers of invention. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) First runner-up, the winner of the dinner plate from the American Dietetic Association: Hooternanny: The au pair you thought was especially promising, but your wife sent back to the agency. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) And the winner of the Inker: Dane-rot: What Hamlet discovered when he came home from college. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis) Honorable Mentions: Maccabeanery: A kosher diner. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio) Inanery: A comedy club. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Planertia: When you stick with a bad idea long after it's clear you have no exit strategy. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Sosa-nervosa: The midseason anxiety suffered by Orioles fans as they sense they've just obtained another over-the-hill slugger. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Arenotdeetwo: R2D2's argumentative twin. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Bewarenik: A conspiracy theorist. (Marjorie Streeter, Reston) Rearendearment: A loving pat on the tush. (Chris Doyle) Searenade: A torch song. (Chris Doyle) Sahararendevous: Midnight at the oasis. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Squaren't: A fundamental property of walls that becomes screamingly apparent when you try to hang patterned wallpaper.(Walt Johnston, Woodstock, Md.) Earnigma: An IRS form. (Herb Greene, Catonsville) Earnosethroater: A plain-speaker's otorhinolaryngologist. (Danny Bravman; Mary Harlow, Alexandria) Yearner's-permit: A credit card. (Jesse Frankovich, Los Angeles) Heathenarc: An Air Force Academy cadet who rats out all the non-Christians. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Menart: Writing your name in the snow. (Kyle Hendrickson) Menarchy: The view that the male is always in charge, period. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Kenarbie: Mattel's new hermaphroditic doll. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) Sevenarse: Standard minivan capacity. (Walt Johnston) Enran: Skipped the country to avoid prosecution for corporate crime: "The CFO enran to his estate in Aruba just before the audit." (John Maring, East Stroudsburg, Pa.) Fenrapture: Boston, Oct. 27, 2004. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Chickenracing: Poultry in motion. (Chris Doyle) Heavenradio: The Corporation for Public Broadcasting's planned second NPR channel: all religion, all the time. (Peter Metrinko) Ye Olde NRA: If crossbows are outlawed, only criminals will have crossbows. (Brian Cohen, Vienna) Deerantics: Reindeer games. (Kyle Hendrickson) Brotheranorexia: He ain't heavy. (Chris Doyle) Pomeraniac: Someone with six yappy little dogs. (Lawrence Dusold, New Market, Md.) Serpentolerance: Sympathy for the Devil. (Chris Doyle) Eaternity: Dinner with the in-laws. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Jabbernacle: A two-hour sermon. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Internapping: Web browsing with a dial-up. (Mike Cisneros) Losernator: Cyborg designed to destroy all competition in humor contests; earliest version was named "Chuck"; latest version is named "Brendan." (Fred S. Souk, Reston) Juggernaught: Flat-chested. (Chris Doyle) Slackernavel: A bellybutton in a beer gut. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Neart: Opposite of fart. (Josh Milner, Washington) NEA-recipe: Karen Finley's tips for using leftover chocolate. (Mark Eckenwiler) Boneraser: 1. Osteoporosis. 2. Saltpeter. (Chris Doyle) UnReagan: Quiet revocation of special naming tributes a couple of decades after the honoree's death (see UnKennedy, Cape Canaveral). (Pam Sweeney) Brane: What I think with, of course. -- D. Quayle, Phoenix (Dan Seidman; Russell Beland, Springfield) Greenarse: A quarterback who is often sacked. Patrick Ramsey is the latest in a long line of greenarses. (Tom Witte) Koran-eliminator: A toilet (considered an incorrect usage by some). (Mark Eckenwiler) Remora-neighbor: The lady next door who stops you on trash day and says, "You aren't going to throw that out, are you?" (Lawrence McGuire) Subterraneanderthal: A creep who ogles you on the Metro. (Chris Doyle) Urethranet: The all-potty-humor Web site. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Areanapkin: The throw rug in your efficiency apartment. (Peter Reppert, Silver Spring) Re-antler: To put the wall decorations back up in your congressional office after a photo op with a PETA activist. (Ned Bent) Preanvil: The look on Wile E. Coyote's face right before being hit by a falling object. (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.) Wackorean: Kim Jong Il. (Chris Doyle) Arenal-failure: Inability to get into the stadium bathroom at halftime. (Edward Roeder, Washington) Eurenal: A plumbing fixture designed by a committee of 25 nations. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) Carenage: Killing with kindness. (Brendan Beary) Corneacopia: A feast for the eyes. (Danny Bravman) Exporneate: To remove offensive items from your apartment just in case you bring home a lady tonight. It could happen! (Ned Bent) Sterneau: What keeps the food warm at the toniest buffet lines. (Brendan Beary) ====================================================================== WEEK 618, published July 10, 2005 Week 618: Of DC I Sing We can't get no ballot action, We can't get no ballot action, Oh, we try and we try and we try and we try We can't get no, we can't get no . . . When we're drivin' in our cars, And that sign is on the license plate, And it's tellin' how we got no vote Even though we're part of this big nation. We ain't got no participation . . . In a story in The Post's July 4 Style section, staff writer and all-around good guy Paul Farhi noted the lack of popular songs about Washington, D.C. Hearts are left in San Francisco, New York is a hell of a town -- but the District's song list is dismayingly short. This week's contest: Fill it up. Give us a song about Washington, set to a recognizable tune. The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets the CD "The Symphonic Whistler," which features a guy whistling the solo parts of the Hummel Trumpet Concerto, etc. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 18. Put "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Mark Eckenwiler of Washington. Report From Week 614, in which the Empress asked you to pair up any of dozens of personified product icons we supplied, and pitch an idea for a movie. The length limit was an arbitrary but firm 82 words. Second runner-up: Ms. Magazine, by day a prim periodicals editor concerned with dotting i's and crossing t's, by night is an assassin with a fully loaded magazine concealed on her rack, a beautiful tease whose face causes men to cross their eyes. But then she meets Mr. Coffee, who's assigned to assassinate her. Can she resist his steamy aura that sends her pulse racing?(Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) First runner-up, the winner of the empty bottle of Chateau de Tourettes wine: Papa John has the tomatoes and cheese for his pizza. Mr. Salty has the salt for his pretzels. But they both need flour, water and yeast. Unable to finish their products, they sit around and talk for two hours in "Waiting for Good Dough." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And the winner of the Inker: "Extra-Pulp Fiction," complete with voice-over: She appeared in my office, stacked like a bulimic's plate at a breakfast buffet. "Mr. Coffee? I'm . . . Aunt Jemima." But your real name's Trouble, I thought. "Whaddya want?" "Photos on my husband. He's tomcatting with Mrs. Butterworth." "The maple heiress? What kinda sap do I look like?" "One who can't afford to be choosy. Let's discuss the details . . . over breakfast?" My better judgment was scrambled by the idea of her squeezing my juice. "Maybe I could tail him -- syruptitiously," I waffled . . . (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Honorable Mentions: At the peak of the Atkins Revolution, young Mr. Potato Head is filled with doubt and self-loathing. But wise Uncle Ben teaches him the ways of the Starch, an all-powerful energy that controls the universe. Together they build the Death Carb and wipe out the revolution, restoring peace and obesity to the galaxy. (Stan McCoy, Washington) Dr Pepper creates a secret serum that he then tries on himself, changing him into Mr. Pibb, a creature who is . . . pretty similar to Dr Pepper, actually. (Art Grinath; Brian Barrett, New York) Count Chocula abducts his rival Cap'n Crunch. The Count locks him in a castle of chocolaty goodness. Soon kids everywhere hire mercenaries Bazooka Joe and Ms. Magazine (a woman of the highest caliber, but with a lot of issues) to bust him out. The castle's walls weaken under an assault of milk-filled rockets. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) "The Doctor Is Out": Lying in the gutter, a ruined man, Mr. Pibb reflects on his life's mistakes: "If I had just finished medical school . . . I coulda been somebody!" (Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.) Burger King is finishing his first year of college; Dairy Queen just graduated from high school. They meet on a kibbutz over the summer, and it's love at first sight. They long for the day they can marry and have a Baby Ruth of their own. But there's something not quite kosher in the relationship . . . (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) "They Call Me Mister Pibb": Just because he's different, a dark and effervescent detective trying to solve a case in the Deep South encounters hostility from the redneck sheriff, Cracker Jack. This story has plenty of pop, but is definitely an acquired taste. (Brendan Beary; Noah Bartlett, Washington) Diary of a Tasty Young Thing: After dating Mr. Softee and Mr. Peanut, it's no wonder Little Debbie decided to do Dallas. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Manhattan, 1962. Betty Crocker, Mrs. Smith and Aunt Jemima vie to become the next pop culture trademark icon. There's the partying, the payola, the flirtation. But in the end, the 15 minutes of fame go to a lowly soup can -- for some reason, Andy Warhol just wasn't interested in these women. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Uncle Ben doesn't like things to simmer too long -- they call him the eight- minute man. One day, he suddenly fears that he has gotten his wife, Aunt Jemima, pregnant, even though he has no evidence except her rotund belly. So they ask Dr Pepper to administer tests. All ends well, as the doctor says with a smile: "The only one missing a period here is me." (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Okay, so everyone and their mothers got Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima in a romantic comedy. But who's got Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima in a Bonnie and Clyde adaptation set in a post- apocalyptic abandoned roadhouse overrun by zombies . . . with lasers! This stuff worked for Brangelina, and by God, it'll work for Benima! (Brian Barrett, New York) "Fry Spy": Dr Pepper and Mr. Salty star in this buddy movie in which two undercover agents pose as cooks in a mob-run restaurant. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Kicked out of the house by his wife, fussy Mr. Clean moves into the castle of his messy friend Count Chocula. Mr. Clean drives the Count crazy by vacuuming up all the cobwebs, spraying disinfectant in his coffin and dry-cleaning his tuxedo. After Mr. Clean serves his roommate linguini with garlic sauce and replaces the window treatments to let in more sunlight, the relationship abruptly disintegrates. (Lewis Lesansky, Burke) Mrs. Dash is a long shot in the Olympic 100 meters, until Dr Pepper gives her a little "prescription" . . . (Ken Gallant, Little Rock) In a town soiled with crime, Mr. Clean, ex-hit man for the mob, becomes an agent of good as he scours the town searching for his kidnapped Baby Ruth. After Clean mops the floor with a slew of mob enforcers, his ex-partner Mr. Fixit is dispatched to grease him. (Brayton Bigelow, Annapolis) Mrs. Butterworth, finding too much starch in her hand laundry, angrily confronts the proprietor, Mr. Potato Head. In the encounter he loses face -- one piece at a time -- and retaliates via a series of mash notes. In the end, the two are reconciled as she realizes he only has eyes for her. (Mark Eckenwiler) ====================================================================== WEEK 619, published July 17, 2005 Week 619: WordCount Us In A sleepwalking grande dame who lived right off Park Would often roam 'round in her penthouse so dark. Her odd cause of death (this required no probe): She hung from a ledge in a plus-sized,* humorous,* tangled* robe.* This week's contest takes you back to the Internet, to an intriguing Web site called WordCount.org. This site, shown to the Empress by Art Chimes of Arlington, lists -- horizontally in one lonnnnng line -- 86,800 English words, from "the" to "conquistador," including names, in order of the frequency in which they appear in a collection called the British National Corpus (which would explain why "London" pops up at No. 242, while "Washington" festers down at 2,932). Our contest: Write a poem of no more than four lines containing four or more consecutive words on the WordCount list. They must occur in the sentence in the order they appear on the list, but they may be interspersed with other words of your choice -- even though the example above (by our own Bob Staake) extra-cleverly uses Nos. 12184-12187 adjacently. Warning: You won't be looking at all 86,800 words. Not even if you are, say, Invitationally Obsessed Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Because the site permits you to scroll up and down the list one word at a time. So what you'll do is search for a word that occurs to you, or a certain rank, and you'll be shown that and the ones around it. The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up wins a Porky Pooper!{T}{M}, a little plastic pig that "trots out tasty treats," namely little brown jelly beans, discourtesy of Elden Carnahan of Laurel. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 25. Put "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. Report from Week 615, in which we asked for some material that could be used by comic Dave George, who's paid by Independence Air to tell jokes at Dulles. Third runner-up: Would the owner of a red and tan Boeing 737 please report to the tarmac? Your lights are on.(Eric Murphy, Chicago; Russell Beland, Springfield) Second runner-up: Pan American Airways Flight 213 to Idlewild Airport is now ready for boarding. We apologize for the delay. (Noah M. Bartlett, Washington) First runner-up, winner of the welder's mask: Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to recognize some special groups we have on the flight today: The "Fat and Proud of It" Club of Burke; the panel of judges returning home from the Fourth Annual Cooking With Garlic Competition; the Society of Pauly Shore Impersonators; and the National Association of Families With Colic- Prone Twins. Welcome aboard! (Russell Beland) And the winner of the Inker: Attention, passengers: We've just been informed that a butterfly has flapped its wings in Brazil. So be prepared for flight delays. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Honorable Mentions: At this time, we'd like all passengers who paid full price for their ticket to stand up so you can be mocked. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) In order to speed our departure, we would like to skip the explanation of how a seat belt works. So for anyone who has not been in a car since 1968, please step forward for a private lesson. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Attention, please, could everyone please just stop where they are and just shut up for one teeny little moment? I really like this song. (Robin D. Grove, Woodbridge) Wow! According to this schedule, I should have bragged about our airline's punctuality almost 15 minutes ago! (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Although Virginia is for lovers, a simple handshake is adequate for our flight attendants. (Stephen Dudzik) Passengers waiting for the flight to Denver, I regret to report there will be an additional delay of . . . hmm, have you considered just driving to Denver? (Russell Beland) Your captain for this flight will be 6-year-old Tyler Corcoran, who won our Pilot for a Day poster contest. Say hi to Tyler, everyone! (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Attention, please, any passengers traveling with small children, now is the time to completely rethink that decision. For the love of Pete. (Bob Sorensen) We are continuing to experience delays from the flying pigs caused by Washington finally having a first-place baseball team. Flights may need to be diverted to BWI, where they do not appear to be experiencing this problem. (Elizabeth Molye, Fairfax) Please be aware that, in order to overcome a sudden case of stage fright, the air hostess will be envisioning you naked during the safety demonstration. (Brian Jones, Lilburn, Ga.) Attention: If a stranger has put something in your bag without your knowledge, please report it to us immediately. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Would the buxom blond owner of the tight red sweater please report to the courtesy desk? Your headlights are on. (Rob Poole, Ellicott City) During today's flight we'll be playing The Quiet Game. I have such a headache. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Your attention, please: As a cost-cutting measure, this flight will be remotely piloted from India. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Please do not make any purchases from anyone selling tickets to ride the luggage carousel, unless the person is a certified Dulles Luggage Carousel Ticket Vendor. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Attention, passengers: Many family members look alike. Please be sure you are leaving the airport with your own family. (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.) We would like to welcome Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to our flight today. . . . We said we would like to. I mean, wouldn't you? (Tom Witte) Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay in takeoff, but has anyone seen the pilot's blankie? (Tom Witte) Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that, due to an error by our baggage handling department, your luggage has accidentally been loaded aboard the same aircraft that you will be traveling on. We apologize for the convenience. (Greg Pearson, Arlington) Would the person identifying herself as Mommy please contact security to retrieve her child? (Kevin D'Eustachio, Linwood, N.J.) Arriving passengers on Flight 64 from Las Vegas: You know that saying, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"? Well, it seems your baggage handlers misunderstood. (Brendan Beary) We'll be on our way soon, after some scheduled maintenance on our bagel-hardening machine. (Martin Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.) As a cost-saving measure we have eliminated the in-flight movie. Please ask the passenger next to you to read you a story. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Look! It's a bird! No, it's a plane! No, it's . . . no wait, of course it's a plane. This is an airport. Duh. (Russell Beland) We also have a unisex bathroom on board, for those of you who are unisexual. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) We will begin boarding Flight 1576 in 10 minutes. The in-flight movie today will be "Groundhog Day." [10 minutes later] We will begin boarding Flight 1576 in 10 minutes. The in-flight movie today will be "Groundhog Day." (Rob Poole) Flight 625 now departing for Buffalo. Passengers should set their watches back 25 years. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) All flights today will depart 15 minutes early. And I'm King of the Gypsies. (Edward Nykwest, Stanley, Va.) Let's have a little fun with the crew. When your plane lands, and your attendant says, "Welcome to San Jose, the local time is 1:30," I want you all to say, "San Jose? We were supposed to go to San Diego!" This'll only work if you all stick together. (Brendan Beary) ====================================================================== WEEK 620, published July 24, 2005 Week 620: Keep the Empress Employed Except for maybe slide rule manufacturers, there's hardly an industry whose doom is prophesied with more certainty than that of the daily newspaper. Although these predictions may be considerably overblown -- look, there are dozens of you reading this column in the print edition right now -- there's no arguing that The Post's circulation, like that of many of its counterparts, has been falling off since its peak in the mid-1980s. This week's contest was suggested, pretty much on a dare, independently by Losers Russell Beland of Springfield and Mark Eckenwiler of Washington: Suggest some original, creative ways that The Post could increase its circulation. (Note: Despite the decline, The Post still does sell more than 1 million copies of the paper every Sunday, so don't worry that no one will see your fine work. Unless, of course, the Empress deems it insufficiently interesting.) With the cartoon above, we hope to preempt 24,342 suck-up entries along this line. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives, courtesy of the aforementioned Dr. Beland, a genuine, highly detailed Lenox porcelain figurine of a bald eagle, its talons gripping a stars-and-stripes shield, that would be truly patriotically inspiring except that (a) the eagle possesses roughly the same facial expression as Big Bird, and (b) it is sitting on a big ball of brownish something between its legs, perhaps an ostrich egg, or a very old grapefruit. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 1. Put "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 616, a contest that turned out to be well nigh impossible. But only well nigh. Okay, extremely well nigh. One Loser who shall go nameless except for "Brendan Beary (Great Mills, Md.)" submitted this entry: "The Most Excellent Royal Holiday": When the Empress of Invitania plans a vacation over the July 4 weekend, her kooky yet adoring subjects stage an impossibly nonsensical contest to make sure she's not bothered with tons of pesky e-mails." Tsk- tsk, so, so cynical. The fireworks were especially satisfying this year, particularly after that all-day pool party. Anyway, the contest was to look at the accompanying "sketchbook page" containing five cartoons, allegedly all planned for a children's book that Style Invitational artist Bob Staake was working on. Your mission -- and indeed, not many of you chose to accept it -- was to describe in a sentence what the book was about, name the title and, if you liked, include sample text for the cartoons. A number of Losers made a truly valiant effort to unite all these cartoons that clearly have nothing to do with one another. Valor can earn you a medal but not necessarily a T-shirt. Second runner-up: "The Energy Crisis That Never Was": Congressman Pork Barrel and his guide dog, Big Energy, are able to secure funding to produce gas- guzzling, roll-prone SUVs by buying energy credits from dwarf Antarcticans; meanwhile, President Bush plays with his dog. (Eric Murphy, Chicago) First runner-up, winner of the mustachioed coffee mug and 1982 World's Fair mini-mug: "Can You Pick Out the Upside-Down Picture?" Another in the best-selling Low Threshold series for underachievers. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the Inker: "Stay Inside!" A book for children whose parents are just concerned, that's all. Text under the cartoons: Those with disabilities Fill me with a vague unease. Their seeing-eye dogs sometimes bite And carry rabies, ticks and blight. Do not ride the bus to school For fear of wrecks and leaking fuel. Also, I have often heard Of kids pecked by a flightless bird. Hats, e.g., the stovepipe version, Hint of sexual perversion, Whereas clowns with large behinds Have kidnapping on their minds. And finally, you must beware Of the dread child-eating hare. I did not make this up, my pet: I saw it on the Internet.(Ron Stanley, Reston) Honorable Mentions "Abraham Lincoln": This book examines how history would have drastically changed if Abraham Lincoln had instead been born a penguin -- except that strangely enough, in the South, people would still park their cars on their lawns upside down. (Marc Leibert, New York) "Twilight of the Dogs": As global warming melts automobiles and forces polar inhabitants to don protective headgear, the Bush administration blames the dog days of summer on canine terrorists. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax) "The Mad Mascot Masquerade": When they need money for the new gym, the kids at Birch Lake School enter a contest to come up with a more appropriate mascot for the Washington Redskins -- and win, giving rise to the new Washington Submissive Clowns. (winner and 4 runners-up pictured) (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "Who's the Bone Smuggler?" If you guessed the rabbit, you're wrong. (Chuck Smith) ====================================================================== WEEK 621, published July 31, 2005 Week 621: Questionable Journalism A. In fact, I don't think it's actually as hard to do as you indicate. Q: You think I'd bring myself to kiss you if you were the last person on Earth? This week's contest is of a type the Empress loves: one in which contestants cannot steal their entries off the Internet, and one that requires readers to peruse The Washington Post, the fine publication that gives her real cash money as long as she does not use the word or or, of course, (except as an adjective): Take any sentence that appears in The Post or in an article on washingtonpost.com anytime through Aug. 8 and supply a question that it could answer. Please cite the date and page number of the article you're using (or if you're online, include that section of the article). The example above is from today's Ask Amy column. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a real treasure: One-time (and we mean one-time, not onetime) Loser Helen Ward is a movie storyboard artist: She makes innumerable ink drawings detailing, shot by shot, five to a page, a planned film. She has sent us the original 26 storyboards for Scene 83, "Van Crash," for "Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2," which she calls "probably the worst movie I've worked on." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 8. Put "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 28. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This contest was originally suggested in 1998 by Jacob Weinstein. Report from Week 617, in which we asked you to write something about a well-known person, using only the letters in that person's name. Many impressive entries this week, too many (given the length of some) to fit in this space -- so be sure to check out more of the same in a supplement on washingtonpost.com. Obviously, it was easier in this contest to use a very long name than a very short one: The person who sent in a single moderately amusing sentence constructed from letters appearing in "Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor, Prince of Wales" receives only the Empress's haughty derision. Third Runner-up: Rick Santorum: It's a crisis! Am I crass? I'm not. Man 'n' man is tantamount to man 'n' mutt. To man 'n' cat. To man 'n' rat. To man 'n' trout! TO MAN 'N' STORK!!! ICK! (Daniel Mauer, Silver Spring) Second Runner-up: William Rehnquist: He's a tease, this Law Master. We learn he's ill. He weathers the treatment. Then he swears in the new ruler. Alas, the Master seems a shell. All winter, he marshals his mettle. He startles us; he retains his health. The law still warms this esquire's heart. His qualities shine: wise, serene, quiet, a little ruthless, a little quaint as well (at merest whim, it seems, he wears the silliest hats). We are in his thrall. When will he quit? The Hill waits. It seethes. The time is here -- ere an ass rules the realm, the Master must retire! The militants swarm, hassle him: "We want that seat!" Rather than wilt in the heat, the Master issues a statement: "Retire? Hah! Let the Law Mistress retire. I'll retain this seat whilst air remains in me. Am I timeless, eternal?" He smiles. "We'll see, eh?" (Patricia Casey, McLean) First runner-up, winner of the seven-volume Style Invitational Toilet-Top Reference Set: Kelly Ripa: Early, perky, really irky. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the winner of the Inker: Scarlett O'Hara: [A character's short tale.] A careless lass, a tease, has a secret hero. Alas, her heart aches: He shoos her. Cross, she chooses Charles, a loser (later, a carcass). The rascal Rhett chases her: He's crass, hot to trot. Chaos! Terror! Shells scorch the earth. Her clothes tatter. She eats a root, retches. She shoots a looter. Later, Rhett catches her. She has a tot a horse tosses. (A carcass here, too.) The horror shatters Rhett (alcohol has a role), so he scoots. At last, she settles at Tara. [A close shot. Tears roll. The orchestra soars.] (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Honorable Mentions: Henry David Thoreau: Dear Dunderhead: Overdue rent? Don't threaten me. Your untrue ad read, "Dandy Retreat! Divine Hideout! Adventure Nirvana!" Hah. The truth: a dreary, unheated hut and no oven, no TV, no Internet. Not even a radio! I hate it in toto: the dirt, the odor, the radon. . . . The "river trout"? They're nutria! I haven't eaten other than dried horny toad. And outdoor urination? Not dandy. At nadir: I have heavy ennui, and no vino. I need to hit a tavern in a hurry, dude. -- Your Irate, Annoyed Tenant (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Peter Angelos: Legal eagle, Napoleon-poser, poor sport: As pleasant as a serpent, as gallant as a rat. (Brendan Beary) Julius Caesar: A crisis arises. Cassius carries a slicer. A classic ruse assures success. Cruel rascals lure, assail a careless ruler. Alas, Caesar is a carcass. (Chris Doyle) Ann H. Coulter: Launch ultra-cruel nuclear terror. Cut a tree. Hunt a crane, turtle, tern or toucan. Accelerate a hot car at a nun on a crutch. Return to coal heat. Halt the taco run to the north; neuter the nacho race here. Honor Colonel North -- a true hero. Halt the nocturnal oral, rectal act. Torch central L.A.! Lunch not at Nora! Tell a tall tale, ulcerate a heart, call truth untrue, act out, rant. Touche! (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Fidel Castro: (Classified ad, Ocala Star) Elder dictator desires to sell, lease, or trade aircraft carrier for coastal Florida flat. (Chris Doyle) Howard Dean: We ran hard. Wandered down a dead-end road. No wonder we were rear-ended. And where are we headed now? Down a new road! NH! And OH. And DE. And OR and WA. And NE! And ND! ONWARD! AAAAAAAAAH!! . . . Oh no. Darn. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis; Jeff Covel, Arlington) Ron Ely: Only one role: Eyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeeeeeeeeeeeeee- eeeeeeeeeeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeo! (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Paris Hilton: Spoilt trollop -- nasal, tartish trash. As an A- list harlot, I stroll on patios as snoops shoot porn photos. I thirst to sin. Ah, lotharios, sailors, pianists! I strip polo shirt, pantaloons; I sport Titian lips, nail polish, a pair o' ta-tas, a tan torso, Saran shorts on loins. (No halo!) Lanolin lotion, palpation, oral passion, positions -- lots! trillions! An irritation, I appall pastors, parsons, papal historians, trinitarians, philanthropists, hoi polloi. (Spoilsports!) Titillation? Nonstop! (Mark Eckenwiler) Paris Hilton: "That's so hot," or "That's so not hot." This, alas, is all I no. (Brendan Beary) Karl Rove: A looker? No. A lover? No. A leaker? A real leaker. -- Val (Fred S. Souk, Herndon; John O'Byrne, Dublin) Michael Jackson: Monomaniacal chameleon's nose has a mechanical cheesiness; his skin is like melamine. His one ace-in-hole comes as a shock: innocence. (Brendan Beary) Rush Limbaugh: I'm all bull. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) John Edwards: Who? (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Ernest Hemingway: I swagger. I rage. I marinate in gin. I write. This way. (Brendan Beary) Bill O'Reilly: Ol' yeller. (Mark Eckenwiler) Donald Trump: A mutant pompadour on a mammon adulator. (Chris Doyle) Marcel Proust: A proposal occurs to me: Emote a tome! A colossal, spectacular, sumptuous, atemporal tome! A preposterous, almost-complete-career tome! Crap to popular appeal -- let's compose as our soul pleases! Mortals are poor, Art's ample! So let's use lots o' paper, create a tale to torture amateurs, to oppress lecturers, to perpetuate classroom terror; a tome to tear apart secrets, to corrupt Scoutmasters, to relate our cares or scream our pleasure, to compass all Europe, all cultures, all space, all else. (Me? Presumptuous?) (Mike Keith, Richmond) Saddam Hussein: Madman has Sunni enemies, sadism issues and damn sad undies. (Brendan Beary) Liza Minnelli: I mine nellie men. (Michelle Stupak) Katie Holmes: [She meets Tom.] Sheesh! He has me at "hello." Ooh, he's a total hottie! That smile. Those teeth. He's so smooooth. Hmmm. Almost too smooth. I see he likes to steal looks at males -- a lot. That makes me a little skittish. Is he a sham? Is this all a mammoth mistake? I'll talk to Mimi. She'll tell me. [Tom takes a hike.] (Chris Doyle) And Last: Leopold Ritter von Sacher-Masoch: He craves the approval of the SI Empress. "Please, oh, please, print this," he pleads. Print this and he shall remain, as ever: slave. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) More Honorable Mentions from Week 617 of The Style Invitational, in which entrants had to write about a famous personage using only the letters in the person's name: Neil Armstrong: Not long ago, I'm in a sim trainer going nine G's. Imagine it, nine G's! -- I'm a man's man! So, I tell 'em I'm raring to go, again. Not so smart, see. Later on, all alone, I lose it in a latrine! Still, I'm as eager as a sailor on a rising sea, so NASA treats me to a mission to man's largest satellite: Moon. I'm game. . . . It's nearing T-time, so I settle in, set toggles, test signals, ignite engines. In no time at all, I'm going, going, gone! I soar among a million stars. It's great! Time goes on. I see I'm almost in range, so I ease Eagle, in slo-mo, settling in a mare ("sea" in moon lingo). In a rare moment, it's all me, so I start orating, "One small . . . one giant . . ." Rats! I'm losing it -- senior moment. Google it. Gotta go, it's Geritol time. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Paris Hilton has all that hair, is tall, thin, a porn star (sorta). Still, Paris isn't all that hot. (Russell Beland, Springfield) James Dobson, the conservative minister: O God, omens bode bad mojo, so end dames' boob, abdomen and nose jobs, bobbed manes and jeans on demon bods. Ban moans on beds, Onan men and Sodom sods. And damn Bob Jones. Amen. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Alfred Kinsey: Kinky freaks, randy elders, desireless ladies, afraid fairies, self-diddlers -- I seen all kinds. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Arnold Schwarzenegger: A rare ego, a shrewd career. A lecher, he ogles gals galore, and lewd hands anger gals (careless!). Gals endanger win; so he does Leno: Leno endorses, enhances news angle. Snares win: Arrogance rewarded. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Testimo, zestimo Alan M. Dershowitz, Shrewd and remorseless, a Wizard-at-law. Sentimentalities Aren't in his arsenal. Hammers the witnesses, Win, lose, or draw. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Gwyneth Paltrow: New year. Pregnant. What now, "Pear"? (Judith Cottrill, New York) Terri Schiavo: The harsh rhetoric, the "Save Terri" services, the rosaries, the crosses, the "she sees"/"she hears" theories, the tests, the irate voices, the threats, the hoots, the cheers, the chaos, the sheer theatrics, the heartache, the horror. These are over. She's at rest. (Chris Doyle) George Donner: Deer gone. Dog gone. Gorged on Roger. Doggone good! (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Alice Roosevelt Longworth: She's not the chilliest girl on the Hill. Oh no, she's a riot. All want to watch how she chitchats with the social elite: her strong insights, how she nails the overweening, how she groans at all Washington inanities. She wastes no chances to view all with her laser lorgnette (it's the one with the glitter case with the lace cover). (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) ====================================================================== WEEK 622, published August 7, 2005 Week 622: Our Sunday Constitutional For any offense whatever, members of Congress shall receive punishment on their large seats, delivered with a branch by a common criminal. This week's contest, suggested by Peter Metrinko of Chantilly, was inspired by the new law, hustled through Congress by Founding Father Sen. Robert Byrd, that all 1.8 million federal employees, plus students at all schools receiving federal funds, must receive "educational and training materials" about the U.S. Constitution. Since so many Washingtonians will soon be perusing this foundation of our society for at least a whole minute, there ought to be at least a magnet in it for them: Write a new article or amendment to the Constitution, using only the words contained in the existing document (including amendments). Remember, this is a humor contest, so don't get all passionate and screedy on us. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets, direct from Vietnam and donated by Loser Stephen Dudzik of Olney, a bottle of genuine Snake Wine (One Unit). This is an actual bottle of clear wine that contains not only an entire dead cobra placed inside in the striking pose but also a dead scorpion thrown in for extra medicinal value. "Usage: Rheumatism, Lumbago, Sweat of Limbs." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 15. Put "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 618, in which we asked you to remedy -- in words set to a recognizable tune -- the lack of a memorable song the District can call its own. So, so many funny parodies. To stick somewhat to the subject of the city, as well as to winnow the number of worthies, the Empress tossed all submissions relating to a single national political news development (so sorry, Mr. Rove and Ms. Plame), though she used a number of songs about federal and congressional Washington in general. The best rhyme of the week came from Mike Murphy of Munhall, Pa., who rhymed "filibusterin' " with "Van Susteren." We'll spare you the rest of the song, however. In return, do take the opportunity to see the many more parodies on the Style Invitational page on washingtonpost.com. Third runner-up: To the middle of "Bohemian Rhapsody": I see a vendor with a cutout of a man: "Pres'den' Boosh! Pres'den' Boosh! Would you like a nice photo?" Tourists find delighting -- very, very frightening me. "Take a photo, take a photo, take a photo, take a photo" -- Can't you all please just go ho-o-o-ome?(Eric Murphy, Chicago) Second runner-up: To "Begin the Beguine": When they descend on D.C. The lobbyists swarm like flies on manure. The city becomes an ethical sewer When they descend on D.C. They're with us once more, handing out treats With junkets galore, and influence-peddling, So much to abhor! Congressional meddling! When they descend on D.C. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) First runner-up, winner of the CD "The Symphonic Whistler": To "Midnight Train to Georgia": Ooh, the Beltway proved too much for my van, It's the hottest day of summer and I'm about to overheat. 'Cause I've got the AC cranking as I inch along in traffic; I've been out here for an hour And I ain't gone a hundred feet. Nothing's movin' from Wisconsin out to Georgia. Yeah the Inner Loop is gridlock, as it is most every day. But I'm determined to make the best of my inertia; I just suck in those exhaust fumes and pretend I'm in L.A. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the winner of the Inker: To "Anything Goes": They come from Texas and Nebraska, They're coming here from Alaska with resumes. Everyone stays! They say their stay is temporary, That life here is just a very short passing phase -- Everyone stays! They all love to schmooze today 'bout the news today, Pass a bill today on the Hill today, Get a spouse today and buy a house today. And then they don't ever leave! Some folks insist they miss home places So full of familiar faces, where cattle graze And everyone prays! Though Bob Dole said he'd be returning, I never see Bob Dole yearning for Kansas days. Everyone stays! (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) Honorable Mentions To "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On": Come on out to D.C., whole lotta takin' goin' on; Palms getting greasy, those lobbyists know how to fawn. I ain't fakin', whole lotta takin' goin' on. When the slop starts a-flowin', ya gotta belly on up to the trough. If Ethics wants to grill ya, just hold your head high and scoff. And, if you're really, really cookin', you might find your own Abramoff. (Nick Curtis, Gaithersburg) To "A Wonderful Guy" from "South Pacific": Nothing's deader than D.C. in August Once you see Congress adjourn and shut down. That's just as well, 'cause it's hotter than hell And we all want to clear out of town. Atmosphere like an open-air sauna: So stinking muggy you fear you could drown. Patience runs out and all stand up and shout, "I must leave, I must leave, I must leave, I must leave, I must leave from this horrible town!" (Brendan Beary) To "It Don't Come Easy": No vote in D.C., You got no vote in D.C. You know that you will lose: There's no senator to choose 'Cause you got no vote in D.C. Don't bother to shout, you are just left out 'Cause you got no vote in D.C. Taxation without representation: Washington is second class To the whole rest of the nation . . . (Jeff Wadler, Ocean Pines, Md.) To "New York, New York": Start spinning the news, they're leaking today, Right where they make an art of it: D.C., D.C. They win or they lose, but still they all stay And play their pompous parts in it. D.C., D.C. I want to shake up those loudmouth media creeps, Then climb up Capitol Hill, and tell off those [bleeps]! The Democrat Blues are whining, Reds say. They both should put a sock in it -- In old D.C. If they can fake it there, they'll take it everywhere. You know it's true! D.C., D.C.! (Phil Berardelli and Jessie Thorpe, McLeaN) To "Another Brick in the Wall": We don't get no representation. We don't get pothole patrols. No learning goes on in our classrooms. We ain't got no hope at all. Hey! Congress! Leave us all alone! (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) To "Roxanne": Glenmont, you're now at the end of the Red Line. My commute got shorter, I don't have to drive that Pontiac of mine. Glenmont, I don't have to get no parking fine, Ride the Metro to D.C., I don't care what it says on the street sign. . . . (Russell Beland, Springfield) To "Walk Like an Egyptian": Hear your con-gress-man, he cam-paigns A-bout how god-aw-ful this place is. If you don't send him back (oh-way-oh) He'll just move here as a lobbyist. All the tourist groups on the Mall Wanna see the pandas, don't you know. They don't move too quick (oh-way-oh) on the escalator to the Red Metro. College kids with their internships say Ay oh way-oh, ay oh way oh, Let's go to Washington. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) More Honorable Mentions from Week 618 of The Style Invitational, songs about Washington, set to a recognizable tune: To "Sixteen Tons": They play sixteen games, and what do you get? Your heart broke to pieces and your stomach upset. There ain't much on which the whole city agrees, But to root for the Skins is our common disease. Well, this city was built on folks like us; Our misplaced allegiance is considered a plus. 'Tween the Skins and the Beltway, we just can't hide Our masochist streak runnin' eight lanes wide. They play sixteen games, that's more than enough; It's like watchin' tree sloths playin' blindman's bluff. St. Peter, I beg you, don't bother to call 'Cause Hell is where you can find me each fall. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) To "America" ("My Country 'Tis of Thee"): Washington, D of C, Thou art undoubtedly The great pork farm. President Kennedy Sagely ascribed to thee Southern efficiency And Northern charm. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) To "Bridge Over Troubled Water": When you're teary, 'bout to bawl, When traffic's at a crawl, and you've hit a wall; I'm up ahead when things get rough And detours can't be found, I'm that bridge named for Woodrow Wilson, I will slow you down. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) To "Sherry": Che-e-e-e-e-e-e-rry blo-os-som, cherry blossom, Che-er-rry, can you come out on time? (Come come, come out on time . . . ) (Joseph Romm, Washington) To "By the Beautiful Sea": In D.C., in D.C., in newsworthy D.C., We make sport of the Court and its new nominee, When the right wing comes weighin' in, How the left will spin, They'll all set the leaks and blogs a-rolling. Sides polarized to the left and the right, Get a fork, dish up pork, while the extremists fight, Isn't it funny how we seem to spend the money, Without taxing anybody in sight. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) To "Paint It Black": I see a concrete wall and want to paint it Borf. No blankness anymore, I want it to say Borf. I see the folks walk by dressed in their business clothes, I have to wait till later when the darkness grows. I see a line of signs and they're all tagged with Borf. Graffiti marks the mall, the bridges, and the wharf . . . Last night the cops caught me at Seventh Street and V. No more will my graffiti decorate D.C. So now I'm locked away and my new troubles dwarf The things that worried me when I was only Borf. . . . (Chris Doyle) To "Bohemian Rhapsody": This is the capital? Washington, D of C? Caught in a gridlock, It's a great traffic insanity. Open your eyes, look up to the signs and see: "Expect more delays" -- I need more apathy Because I'm driving home, stop and go, A little fast, mostly slow. Anytime the wind blows, traffic patterns shatter D.C. . . . I see the cars of the troopers on the picket Buckle up! Buckle up! Or you're going to get a ticket! Flashing lights and siren, very very tirin'. Hey! In the tunnel, In the tunnel, In the tunnel, In the tunnel . . . no radio-o-o-o-o-o (Beau Bigelow, Annapolis) To "Proud Mary": Nationals go on a road trip; Hop a team bus leaving RFK. Come back 10 days later, Everybody wonder How could all their cars have been taken away? The hard way is how you're learnin' Your car is not returnin'. Stolen, stolen, stolen in the District. It's become an epidemic; The rate they're getting taken has become obscene. Now they're gettin' nervous At the Secret Service; They can't find the presidential limousine. One fact there's no debating: You're through with motorcading Stolen, stolen, stolen in the District. (Brendan Beary) To "I Left My Heart in San Francisco": I left my purse in Adams Morgan With the mugger who stole it there. And now my little credit cards Are charged halfway to the stars And the policeman over there Just doesn't care . . . (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) To "The Banana Boat Song": D.C., me say D.C., Daylight gone and I just coming home. D.C., me say D.C., Daylight gone and I just coming home. Work all day till my brain is numb! Daylight come and we're just getting home. Sit on Metro or in traffic jam! Daylight come and we're just getting home. . . . It's six lanes, seven lanes, eight lanes, STOP! Daylight come and we're just getting home . . . (Ira R. Allen, Bethesda) To "California Girls": Of all the Eastern cities, Washington, D.C.'s the jewel, But if you come to see it in the summertime, you're just a doggone fool. Smithsonian museums are a gorgeous sight to see Unless your gender is the feminine kind and you're 10th in line to pee. Don't you wish you were somewhere else right no-owwww? (Dianne Thomas, Fairfax) To "Mrs. Robinson": Expletive you, Peter Angelos, You're why there's no Nats games we can see On TV. Go take a hike, Peter Angelos, Baltimore's not far enough away, Hey hey hey, hey hey hey . . . (Brendan Beary) To "Leaving on a Jet Plane": Well, my shoes fell off, I'm runnin' scared I lit out when the sirens blared, If my luck holds, I can save my sorry hide. See, the radar's flagged a craft unknown In D.C.'s air exclusion zone, So they're herding us in haste to get outside. Hey, you there, in front of me! Move your tail more rapidly! If you have to, ditch the walker and just crawl! 'Cause I'm fleein' from a jet plane, seekin' less exposed terrain Than the targets on the Mall. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) To "Surrey With the Fringe on Top": Right and left, they always will squabble On the steps of imported marble, On the steps of imported marble With the dome on top. Watch the fringe and see how they flutter When you balance the guns and the butter. Newsie blokes will wallow in the gutter and a plea you'll cop 'Neath that gleaming, steaming building with the dome on the top. (Ira R. Allen) To "Yesterday": Yesterday, Mayor Barry seemed so far away Now he's back -- why can't he stay away? It's like the movie "Groundhog Day." (Dan Hupfer, Springfield) To "Some Enchanted Evening": D.C. thrives on gossip. Information's power. If you're on the inside, You know, you've got it made. It's all whom you know. The rest is all show. And never forget those whose favors you begged. Politics is fickle. If you're in a pickle, You may find that, next thing, You're outside looking in. If you've got the goods, you'll merit the crown. But please just remember, what goes up comes down. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) To "Love Potion #9": I took my campaign to the voters' booth And told them that we always spoke the truth We got elected on a straight party line And now I'm voting for S. 1429. All of my constituents are just old hicks, I've been winning since 1956. They look up to me and vote every time So now I'm passing S. 1429. (Russell Beland, Springfield) To "Fly Me to the Moon": Washington's a town Where groups all beg for subsidies, Politicians, clowns And lobb'yists down there on their knees. Believe me folks, for it's true: Washington steals from you. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) To "Colors of the Wind" from "Pocahontas": We think the only people who are people Are the people who think just the way we do. We think the only thoughts that are worth thinking Are the thoughts on Pennsylvania Avenue. We treat each burning issue like a horse race. We know who's on the shortlist and who's toast. We worship Sundays at the Church of Russert. All week long we love to memorize The Post. We have never heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon, But we know which regulations to rescind. We'll pass legislation subsidizing windmills, But we'll never see the colors of the wind. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) To "Galveston": Washington, oh Washington, I still hear your pundits screamin', I still see your traffic streamin', I was 41 when I left Washington. Washington, oh Washington, Parking cops are still a-towin', And the manhole covers blowin', I'll raise some funds, and dream of Washington. But the voters living back in Podunk After one term put me out to sea, And now my bitter enemy Gets perks and pork by metric ton. Washington, oh Washington, I am so afraid of dyin' Before the votes I finish buyin' Or get caught molestin' someone's teenage son, And cannot run for Washington. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) To "Lola": I won a little vote out in old Fargo Where they pick guys who look just like Howdy Doody. D-O-O-Doody I came to D.C. and I fell in a trance, They asked what I'd fund and in an dull, dull voice I said "OSHA. O-S-H-A, OSHA" . . . (Russell Beland) To "Mellow Yellow" My mail is tested for anthrax, At Dulles, I take off my shoes. Museum guards poke through my handbags To see if I'm hiding a fuse. My terror level's yellow (quite fright'f'ly) . . . (Mark Eckenwiler) To "New York, New York" Start spending the loot, I'm running again I want to stay in charge of it, that grand old pork. That government cash will fuel my campaign I'll spend billions of it, that grand old pork. I wanna give out money that I didn't make And while on Capitol Hill, I'm on the take. Those ethics rules are just in my way I'll build a lot of roads with it, that grand old pork If I can't spent it here, I'll spend it over there It's all for you, that grand old pork. (Russell Beland) To "Take Me Out to the Ball Game": Clean me out for a ballpark Tax me up to the hilt Why make the owners assume the risk? Charge the cost to the citizens' fisc! (Mark Eckenwiler) To the "Major-General's Song": For visiting our capital we've certain rules of etiquette, Flyover-land can have you back if we don't think you get it yet. Don't come here in a tractor, and reflecting pools are not your tub, Don't try your luck and fly here in a Cessna or a Piper Cub. Just park and ride the Metro down to Pennsylvania Avenue, But do stand to the right or we'll inquire if you have a clue. And then we'll mock your clothing and your diets full of calories, And never think to thank you 'cause your taxes pay our salaries . . . And when you visit Congress don't solicit all the interns fair, Just find the nearest men's room -- all their phone numbers are written there. Don't feed the bums or pigeons, mention bombs, or into Georgetown drive, And almost all your family might depart from Washington alive. (Michael Fransella, Arlington) To "Where the Streets Have No Name": I've been lost for over two hours, Crossed into Maryland twice, Trying to find my friend's house He lives on the Hill -- I'm going back to Va. All the streets are one-way. All the streets are one-way. (Richard Allen, Durham, N.C.) To "Rocky Mountain High": He came to see the District, he came to see the sights, The White House, the Mall, the Air & Space. And he came to kick his heels up in Georgetown Friday nights, But he knew he'd never find a parking space So he took the train to Foggy Bottom-GWU. He got on the Red and then he changed to Blue If you're heading out to Georgetown, the stop it's closest to Is Foggy Bottom-GWU (Next stop Rosslyn) . . . (Chris Russell, Waldorf) ====================================================================== WEEK 623, published August 14, 2005 Week 623: Try to Remember Mnemonic to remember the recently revised presidential line of succession: Vacuous Harry "studies" Shakespeare's tragic dramas -- "Antony," "Hamlet" -- in a college library: He's hoping to entice erudite vixens. This week's contest: Even though he fauxpadly addressed his suggestion to "the Czarina," the Empress was eventually able to unruffle her feathers, resettle her tiara, etc., and try out the contest idea sent by John McNamara of Rockville. John notes that since the line of presidential succession was revised by the Senate this year (the secretary of homeland security moves up from 18 to eight heartbeats away), we had better come up with a way to keep this crucial information straight. (For the record: Next in line, of course, is the Vice president, followed by: House speaker; Senate president pro tem; the secretaries of State, Treasury and Defense; the Attorney general; and the secretaries of Homeland security, the Interior, Agriculture, Commerce, Labor, Health and human services, Housing and urban development, Transportation, Energy, Education and Veterans affairs.) So give us an original mnemonic for this or some other list that someone might want to remember. Note: We did this contest once before, in 1995 -- as will be noted by eight perennial Losers who got ink for Week 115 and still blot regularly. So don't send us old, stale, Internetted stuff, please. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a tequila-flavored lollipop, complete with worm inside, donated by Mike Connaghan of Alexandria, AND a really ugly one of those squeezy plastic change purses, this one green and imprinted with a white mouth, from the Rio Grande Credit Union of Denver, via Dave Prevar of Annapolis. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 22. Put "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published, whuh-oh, Sept. 11. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Mark Eckenwiler of Washington. Report from Week 619, in which we sought poems containing, in order but not necessarily adjacently, four or more successive words on the WordCount.org list of most frequently used words in the British National Corpus, a collection of clearly very diverse Brit writings. A rare Blind T-Shirt goes to Brendan Beary of Great Mills for a superb entry we cannot print here because it contains Word No. 62830 and we are only six pages away from KidsPost. Third runner-up: [WordCount words Nos. 5106-5109 are marked with asterisks] Said Sigmund to comely young Eve,* "Some mistakes* will be made on our trip. At restaurants,* I do believe, You'll be kissing this Freudian's lip.*" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Second runner-up: [6190-6193] A longing would-be mommy, once her baby was conceived,* Protested* that her nausea was not to be believed. She blamed her morning sickness* on the mildew in her house Instead of on her gag-inducing dumb fat toxic* spouse.(Brenda Ware Jones, Jackson, Miss.) First runner-up, winner of the Porky Pooper jelly bean- ejecting pig: [5096-5100] "An eraser's called a 'rubber,' "* wrote the lovely, lissome lass. Her "British English" essay* just ran rings* around the class. But hear me, all good Christians,* that poor girl learned all too late As a pregnancy* preventer, her eraser wasn't great. (Brendan Beary) And the winner of the Inker: [1365-1368] Cross* your right arm over now! Get on your bottom,* mister! My mouth's so close, I'll eat* your foot!* (Don't freak. We're playing Twister.) (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Honorable Mentions: [8-11] "Is" is what is; it* is* not what was.* When I* said "it depends," I said it because "Was" ain't included when I say "there is" Concerning that woman, that Lewinsky Ms. (W.J. Clinton, New York) (Fred S. Souk, Reston) [372-376] "Society* seemed* kind,"* began* God,* "But then morals hit bottom. So I wreaked some havoc on Gomorrah and Sodom." (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) [402-405] It's a very hard* job* Among* George Bush's staff*: You must nod while he talks And try hard not to laugh. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) [418-421] He's run* me quite ragged (though there's surely no malice) With "special"* demands that could land me in traction, So as a result* I will hide his Cialis, And soon he'll be back to all talk and no action.* (Chris Doyle) [548-551] The state's Mohels Union* was one person too large, With its total* too high in December. The solution was clear, so the fellows in charge Made a motion and then cut* a member.* (Seth Brown) [3190-3195] "Please do not harm* me," Joseph* cried* to his brothers. "We have been like your servants*," they cruelly replied. "Your dreams have dismissed* our importance to others." They did not suspect* that the dreams had not lied. (Marleen and Lorraine May, Rockville) [6025-6028] This morning my wife ordered me: "Pete!* Stem* upright!* Pump* it more! More!" (Filling up her bicycle tire Is such a tedious chore.) (Peter Metrinko) [6428-6431] Because of the public's jumping* perceptions,* Adjusted* propaganda* is needed So let's try some new deceptions -- The press will be easily stampeded. (K. Rove, Washington) (Peter Metrinko) [Anti-Invitational: backward from 11479-11476] Ukrainian* chickens,* instinctive* notoriously,* Know when the kitchen is working laboriously: They'll be Chicken Kiev, prepared oh so gloriously. (Peter Metrinko) [12558-12561] The day poor Elvis* strained to death while sitting on the potty, No shotgun* was found in the room, just drugs that made him dotty. Post-mortem rubble*-sifting showed not one sign of foul play. The write-up, a formality,* just said, "King Died Today." (Michelle Stupak) [13327-13330] Fuel prices leap up by bucks* incremental. My AC's control switch? A thing ornamental.* The prosperous merchants of OPEC* -- sans liquors -- Rejoice, while I swelter in nothing but knickers.* (Mark Eckenwiler) [14208-14211] Pausing* to think of a nice little verse, I came up with garbage that just made me curse. And, angered,* I tore up the works I had wrought* -- A loser* I am, but a poet I'm not. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) [38515-38518] The standardized tests are dumbed down to the point Even stragglers* can't get them wrong: " 'Sophocles,'* 'carburettor,'* 'Aristophanes'*: Which of these doesn't belong?" (Brendan Beary) [86795-86798] Low-numbered words from WordCount Can make poems without an absurd count. But for high-numbered ones to ring true, You need a high tolerance for multilingualism* and tangency* (in case of a word from a dialect of Carniola*) And the not quite workless* form of poetry called clerihew. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) ====================================================================== WEEK 624, published August 21, 2005 Week 624: Limerixicon 2 The beehive at first was created So thousands of bees could be crated. It's either the home Where they make honeycomb Or a hairstyle that's grossly outdated. Just about this time last year, we introduced you to a Web site called the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, whose founder, Chris J. Strolin, aimed to compile one or more limericks for every word in the English language. At the time, Chris J. was up to words beginning with "ad-" and had just passed 600 limericks. Since then, after much publicity and input (not least from Invitational Losers), the OEDILF has burgeoned into a massive cybervault of more than 17,000 five-line definitions. And it's still on the B's! So for this week's contest: Supply a limerick based on any word in the dictionary (except proper nouns) beginning with bd- through bl-. Don't worry, any standard dictionary has lots and lots of words in this range. The limerick can define the word or simply illustrate its meaning. Once the Empress posts the results on Sept. 18, you may submit your entries (inking or not) to www.oedilf.com as well. Note: To prevent last year's, er, discussion as to what constitutes a limerick, you can see the guidelines for rhyme and meter at www.oedilf.com. The standards are looser than some people's, stricter than others. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a DVD of "Manos: The Hands of Fate," a 1966 horror flick touted on its own box as "regarded as one of the most inept movies ever made," donated by Peter Metrinko of Chantilly. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 29. Put "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 620, in which we sought ways to boost The Post's declining circulation. This contest drew thousands of enthusiastic entries with lots of ideas; unfortunately, most of the ideas were each submitted by dozens of readers, thus rendering then unprizeworthy. A few of these: (a) Have tie-ins with bird cage manufacturers and parakeet breeders; (b) make the paper especially attractive to puppies, or especially absorbent, or hardly absorbent at all (thus requiring many more newspapers); (c) print the paper on two-ply perforated rolls; (d) wrap the paper around a bottle of bordeaux; use a page of uncut $20 bills instead of a plastic bag, etc.; and (e) make the newsprint out of loofah, because, see, when you rub it on your skin, you, heh heh, increase circulation. A number of people suggested that The Post offer its readers the "employee discount" for subscriptions. Actually, folks, you're already getting the employee discount. Third runner-up: Add more exciting verbs to attract younger readers: "President Bush TOTALLY STUCK IT TO Uzbekistan for, like, all that stuff they did. And Uzbekistan was, like, literally going INSANE." (Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Bethesda) Second runner-up: Occasionally replace writers' names with whatever the spell checker suggests. So Tony Kornheiser would be Tony Cornhusker and Dan Froomkin would be Dan Foreskin. (Try it!) (Russell Beland, Springfield) First runner-up, the winner of the porcelain bald eagle sitting on a brown thing: Add a box on each day's front page explaining how to read. (Peter Reppert, Beltsville) And the winner of the Inker: Write and arrange the stories so that if you fill in all the o's, the front page reveals the nude picture of a celebrity. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Honorable Mentions: Reformat it into a circular design to fit inside steering wheels. (Robin D. Grove, Woodbridge) Set up a store and repackage the paper into distinct levels: from le notizie (the A-section, Style and Sports), selling at $3.49, up to the ricchezza della notizie (full Sunday edition), at $8.95. Customers would wait in long lines and feel grateful when a snotty paparista deigns to serve them. Then just stand back and let the money flow in. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Attract more readers by lowering the price of the daily paper from 35 cents to 34 cents. Of course, you'll have to modify all your vending machines to take pennies. (Russell Beland) Since most people want to read only what fits their beliefs, start publishing "red" and "blue" editions of the same news. The beauty is, the policy wonks will feel obliged to buy both copies! (Brendan Beary; Danny Bravman, St. Louis; Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.) Start a column devoted to dishing dirt on Bob Novak's wife. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Wrap each morning's home delivery around a ripe banana. The toss will go farther, the dog can find it more easily, and you have an instant breakfast. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Use scratch-and-sniff paper for notices of restaurant closings due to sewage backups, or for the story about the house where that woman had the 400 cats. (Roy Ashley, Washington; Beau Bigelow, Annapolis) Point out to readers that using The Post to line their bird cages is much less expensive than using their laptop computer. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Print it on beer. (Janet Arrowsmith-Lowe, Ruidoso, N.M.) Just give every employee a $1,000 raise, provided most of it is spent on subscriptions. (Russell Beland) More pictures of humans doing really cute things. (Mei Xiang, Washington) (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) Persuade Christo to construct his next $21 million installation entirely of copies of The Post. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Using a time machine, go back 20 years and pay the right person a handsome bribe not to invent the Internet. (Anonymous Cable Mogul, New York)(Mark Eckenwiler) Start rumors in Asia that pellets made from The Washington Post are a potent aphrodisiac. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) An Origami of the Day feature, such as an Army helmet out of the front page, or a hypodermic syringe from the sports front. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Use more modern spelling and syntax (sample editorial: "GWB wuz like omg! WTF???!!"?) (Ezra Deutsch-Feldman; Mark Eckenwiler) Rather than making us wait, print the corrections immediately following each article. (Kevin Jamison, Montgomery Village) Lots more puns in the obit headlines! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Snazzy new section names: The obituary page would be "Post Crypts," and Weekend would be "Get Your Big Butt Up and Out." (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Every week, it's "Make Up Your Own News Friday." (Russell Beland) The Style and Weekend sections ignore far too many movies and videos. For instance, "Naughty Nurses Volume 8: Sponge Bath Taboo" has been out for months, and I still haven't seen a review. (Brendan Beary) Redefine "circulation" to include added readership as a result of recycling the newsprint. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Hire a Harvard symbologist to find all the satanic runes in the masthead of the New York Times. (Elden Carnahan) Couldn't you insert The Post into two plastic bags? I need one for the afternoon dog walk, too. (George Laumann, Arlington; Beau Bigelow) Next Week: Questionable Journalism, or Grinquiries ====================================================================== WEEK 625, published August 28, 2005 Week 625: Haven't Seen It Pulp Fiction: Something in that glass of juice set the novelist's mind ablaze . . . This week's contest, suggested by rising Loser Andrew Hoenig of Rockville: Make up a new plot for an existing movie title -- just a line or two, not a whole screenplay. The description should be significantly different from the plot of the actual movie. Don't alter the title. Note: Even with this warning, the Empress knows she's going to get 347 entries saying "Gone With the Wind: The Beano Story." Only the exceptionally funny and clever and original are likely to get ink from what's sure to be an enormous pool of entries. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets the lavishly illustrated book "Change Your Underwear Twice a Week: Lessons From the Golden Age of Classroom Filmstrips." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept 6. Results will be published Sept. 25. Put "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. Report from Week 621, in which we asked you to take a sentence from any of eight days' Washington Posts and write a question it could answer. The eight-day window was to give everyone a chance to find a paper or access the Web site, but we should have figured that a very few of the Hopelessly Invitationalized would scrutinize every last sentence in The Post for eight straight days, and submit pages and pages of entries. Good thing these people are funny as well as lunatic (see below). Third runner-up: A. Robinson applied it with a caulk gun, then forced it into the cracks and holes with a putty knife. Q. Why was the Nats' manager suspended for compelling his players to wear sunscreen? (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Second runner-up: Senate Democrats quickly criticized the president's move. What happened when George Bush used a variation of the Albin Countergambit to defeat Garry Kasparov in just under 12 minutes? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) First runner-up, winner of the storyboards for "Blair Witch 2": To some, the smell is an unpleasant mix of volatile organic compounds (including benzene and acetone), mostly given off as gas from the vinyl and other plastic materials, plus adhesive and sealers. What's it like to be in an elevator with Cher? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the winner of the Inker: His response: "I'm not worth anything anymore." What did the English teacher reply when his depressed son said, "I ain't worth nothing no more"? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: A. Hundreds of residents, friends and family members lined a mile- and-a-half parade route, waving flags and banners and calling out "Welcome home!" as the smiling men marched by. Q. What was the scene in Frederick Friday evening as the rush from the District petered out?(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) She's off to a strong start. But it takes time to turn a supertanker. What did Jenny Craig say about her new spokeswoman, Kirstie Alley? (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) It's designed for people who want to live and work in Suitland. Why was this place built to hold just three people? (Russell Beland) This excellent value should be drunk over the next 1-2 years. How did Janice get such a bargain at the Bachelor Auction? (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) It could also be the brightest. Isn't Barney, the Scottie, the cutest member of the Bush family? (Brendan Beary) It was like getting run over by the front and rear wheels of a truck. What was it like hiding under the bed at the Schwarzenegger house? (Ron Stanley, Reston) There's also impotence, vision loss, a bad cough, icky teeth and lousy breath. Are you telling me that chicks don't dig me just because of my immature sense of humor? (Brendan Beary) Wear gloves and boots, and make sure your tetanus shots are up to date. Should I go out with the cute new guy in my office, even though he might be a Democrat? (Elwood Fitzner) But you're in good company to be confused. What is the motto of the Log Cabin Republicans? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Perhaps the reason I cannot find the answer to this question is that it is rooted in the non-Muslim American reality, a reality that is categorically rejected by extremist Muslims. So who do you think's funnier, Jackie Mason or Jerry Seinfeld? (Michael Fransella, Arlington) There is no safer place for your money. Stick it up my what? (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) "I thank the Boy Scouts for serving on the front line of America's armies of compassion," said Bush. What did President Jeb Bush say on his visit to Baghdad in 2010? (Phil Battey, Alexandria) His group makes do on an annual budget of about $500,000. What did Mick Jagger have to say about how the Stones have cut back on their drug use? (Michelle Stupak) I'm hoping you have some good advice for my friend, who's gotten himself into deep manure. What's a typical 911 call in Oskaloosa, Iowa? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) I have two friends, "Emily" and "Rory." How is your social life, and why do you always walk around with those two little sock puppets? (Brendan Beary) We're almost there. Daa-aad, are . . . (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) He also spent more than $200,000 for drainage work and landscaping. Did Michael Jackson get his nose bobbed again? (Brendan Beary) One can imagine that a cell phone, a lipstick and a tin of Altoids make up its entire contents. What might one find in Paris Hilton's head? (Jeff Brechlin) "Clearly, we need to shift some of that focus to the middle school years," said Charles Pyle, a Virginia Department of Education spokesman. How can we discourage sexual activity among elementary school children? (Marty McCullen) "The '60s wouldn't have been the same without me," he said. What is the most outrageous quote attributed to John Wilkes Booth? (Roy Ashley, Washington) Someone put human excrement in it a few years ago, and that was the end of that. What's a reasonable thing to say about pretty much anything except a toilet? (Chris Doyle) Everyone, it seems. Who has, because of increased media scrutiny, taken to qualifying almost every statement? (Russell Beland) Sounds plausible, but the truth is more mundane. Do you think Bush got us into this Iraq mess solely to make Condi Rice a viable candidate for 2008? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) We have a song, "Here she comes, Miss Crustacean." It's so great of you frat brothers to get me a blind date -- how will I know which one she is? (Peter Metrinko) Eventually, possibly by 2008, condominiums, apartments and retail will replace the blight. What's the conclusion of the administration's plan for Yellowstone? (Russell Beland) Despite the decline, The Post still does sell more than 1 million copies of the paper every Sunday. Mr. Graham, what do you think about the reductions in recreational fishing in Chesapeake Bay? (Bob Dvorak, Saugerties, N.Y.) She won The Washington Post's Style Invitational contest in April 1994, after offering this really "bad excuse for a moral lapse:" How would we all like our obituaries to begin? (Marty McCullen) The Washington Post Co. said its second-quarter earnings fell 7 percent as profitability declined in three of its five main business lines, particularly newspaper publishing. Will budget decisions cause some Post features to be terminated abrup (Brendan Beary) ====================================================================== WEEK 626, published September 4, 2005 Week 626: Course Light Engineering 382, Setting Up Ikea Stuff: Students will learn to piece together a particle board coffee table using an Allen wrench (provided) and a diagram consisting of dotted lines and arrows but no words. Prerequisite: Lego II. This week's contest was inspired by Don Troop of the Chronicle of Higher Education, who told the Empress of a British college that was offering a class in "assembling flatpack furniture." Your challenge: Come up with a comical college class, along with a description for the course catalogue. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a clear plastic container full of . . . well, the label on the front is all in Japanese except for "Cat." But the back label reassures us that it is "prepared dry fish bone" ("Ingredients: Fish Born, Sesame Sugar . . .) and indeed it seems to be a bunch of shiny dried little bony fish slices with sesame seeds stuck to them, and intended for human consumption. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 12. Results will be published Oct. 2. Put "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Deborah Guy of Columbus, Ohio. Report from Week 622, in which we sought additions to the U.S. Constitution that were composed of words already found in the original document and its amendments (capitalization could be changed). It seems as if half the entrants suggested "Congress shall make no law." Some enterprising Losers noted that the Constitution includes the names and states of the 39 signers (beginning with "Go Washington"). Third runner-up: No person of excessive tonnage shall remove his jersey at a public event. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Second runner-up: Congress shall make no laws that direct people to work out with weights and engage in regular body training. We the People are no longer into the exercise thing. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) First runner-up, the winner of the Snake Wine containing a whole snake: No persons shall in all cases be given what they do desire but, upon trial, at times may be informed that they shall receive that for which they be needful. -- M. Jagger (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the Inker: Those persons resident in the District are second-class, inferior citizens. But they have the right to death, taxes and post offices.(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Honorable Mentions: Attendance at party conventions shall be for intoxicating liquors, sex, disorderly behavior and the choice of a president and vice president, in that order. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) When a male and his date are to go to a party or other event, particularly one with an appointed time, if his date should redress more than three times, he is within his rights in going alone. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) No president shall be subject to impeachment for exercise of a disorderly member. -- W. J. Clinton, New York (Fred S. Souk, Reston) Congress shall have the power to void the laws of the state of Georgia (under the section entitled "crimes against nature") that deny the right of any citizen, and particularly a citizen by the name of Rufus Dobbs, to engage in sex with a bear, notwithstanding the fact that one such bear has granted consent, is of age, and has not been given any intoxicating liquors for at least a few days. -- R. Dobbs, Stone Mountain, Ga. (Chris Doyle) Between September and December, it shall be prohibited to call any holding penalties against the Washington offense, in that they just cannot control themselves. (Brendan Beary) No person when called shall declare, "Press number one, press number two, press number eight," or act in like manner. (Marty McCullen) Congress shall make no law abridging the right of people to have sex whenever they desire and with a hundred persons at the same time if they care to at, like, a private party or whatever. -- P. Hilton, New York (Chris Doyle) A person being considered for Supreme Court justice will be required to have no preference in regard to most things. In fact, each judge shall, on at least six cases, declare his sole opinion to be: "Whatever." (Brendan Beary) After this date, no one ever engaged in the work of acting shall be president. One was sufficient. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Both houses of Congress shall open each session with the following declaration: "The Lord has delivered His blessings on the United States of America and on the Republican Party." Members who think this unreasonable are hereby directed to go have sex with themselves. -- Ann Coulter, Washington (Chris Doyle) When two persons (one of each sex) have had congress for the first time, the male shall be required to call by the next day, or his date is free to declare in public that the sex was inferior, and his member was smaller than most. (Brendan Beary) Those persons who purchased a Geo should have reconsidered. (Katherine Hooper, Jacksonville) The president may enjoy sex in the office, but if he is found out, he is out on a limb. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) The president and members of Congress shall remove their heads from their business end. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Until such time as our party is not in power, Representative DeLay has a free pass for all crimes, misdemeanors and felonies but treason. He will also define what may or may not constitute treason. We trust him. Actually, we have no choice. (Brendan Beary) If any person should be required to answer the call of nature without the proper papers, particularly when sitting for number two, that person shall be granted the right to subject the previous person to cruel and unusual punishment. (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) In order to promote a more perfect body, the President shall have power to disparage the condition of the corpus of any member of Congress. (Deb Parrish, Fairfax Station) The New Age Congress shall convene in a State of Tranquility and remain tender and reserved, with all members respecting each other and being on good behavior. The punishment for impairing this peace is death. (Dave Prevar) When engaged in sex, neither party shall raise the issue of who will pay the water bill. (Kyle Hendrickson) Underage sex is hereby prohibited, given that we are way older now. (Russell Beland) Any appropriation / For roads or transportation / Shall be for needful erection / And not just for election. (Peter Metrinko) The term "more perfect" shall have unanimous acceptance whatsoever the people think. So there. (Russell Beland) One divided by three shall equal appoint three three three three in all states of the Union except Kentucky, where it shall equal appoint three. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Congress shall try writing a few laws that people may actually have the ability to read when they are sitting on the john, as is going on right now. (The writing, that is, not the sitting.) (Chris Doyle) Anti-Invitational (using only words not found in the Constitution): Privacy? Abortion? Church separation? Equality? Sexual orientation? Hah! Look again. -- New Supreme Court, Washington (Russell Beland) And Last: In that we in Congress are concerned for the people who continue to enter this Washington Post thing just to have their name published in the papers, we hereby direct that they do themselves a favor and try to have an actual life from now on. (Chris Doyle) And Also Last: No title of nobility, such as King, Prince or the like, shall be granted -- except by the Post on Sundays in one section. (Marty McCullen) ====================================================================== WEEK 627, published September 11, 2005 Week 627: Per-Verse Blessed are you, whose worthiness brings scope, And doth make my heart go all kerplop. Next week in this space you can gaze upon the shining summit of the tottering heap of 706 limericks submitted for Week 624. Not only is each winner clever and funny, but each of them also manages to rhyme. Now, this may not seem remarkable to you. That is because you, unlike the Empress, did not spend a week wading through such paired line endings as "deafening" and "happening," or "usual" and "biannual." But what to do about this epidemic of tin-ear? The answer arrived quickly, and coincidentally. Amy Lago, the comics editor of the Washington Post Writers Group, was noodling around with a verse form she'd invented: the egregious almost-rhyme. In a back-and-forth e-mail poetry jam with Washington Post Magazine humor columnist Gene Weingarten, the form was refined: (He: This rhyme form is really hilarious; / If poems are steak, these are Cheerios. / I think that we must / Continue this joust / Till we've built up an oeuvre that's serious. She: My reply, sir, a very loud "ouch!" / I agree that you've got the touch. / You're good at this mischief, / But bow to your mistress. / Just admit you're not all that tough.) This week's contest: Write a limerick or other short poem with comically awful rhyming. This is a little tricky, because it can't just be bad; it has to be so awful it's funny, as in the examples above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives the adorable "Alfie" the Liver Coloring Book, produced by the American Liver Foundation and donated by Russell Beland of Springfield and his daughter, Blythe Marshall of Annandale. It features a roughly triangular smiling guy with skinny arms and legs, depicting a day in the life of a liver. Unfortunately, Crayola does not issue a crayon in Liver; you'll have to make do with, perhaps, Manatee. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 19. Results will be published Oct. 9. Put "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report from Week 623, in which we asked you to come up with useful (or comically useless) phrases to serve as mnemonics. About half of you offered up one for the presidential line of succession, which was our example four weeks ago. It seems that it's awfully hard to come up with funny, clever sentences of 18 words in which the first and last words begin with V. Loser Roy Ashley wins a T- shirt for a clever entry containing a French word that was deemed un- Postworthy by someone more mature than the Empress. Second runner-up: Terror alert levels (Red: Severe; Orange: High; Yellow: Elevated; Blue: Guarded; Green: Low): Run screaming outdoors, hide yourself; even better: get guns loaded. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) First runner-up, the winner of the tequila lollipop with worm, plus the ugly green squeezy change purse: The first digits of pi (3.14159265358979323 . . .), with the digits corresponding to the number of letters per word: Pie! I chew a piece. Instantly my throat shuts. Gag, choke -- Heimlich! Upchucked quickly. Ambulance can go now . . .(Stephen Dudzik, Olney) And the winner of the Inker: Abbreviations in the periodic table Rows 2 through 6 (Li, Be, B, C, N, O, F, Ne; Na, Mg, Al, Si, P, S, Cl, Ar; K, Ca, Sc, Ti, V, Cr, Mn, Fe, Co, Ni, Cu, Zn, Ga, Ge, As, Se, Br, Kr; Rb, Sr, Y, Zr, Nb, Mo, Tc, Ru, Rh, Pd, Ag, Cd, In, Sn, Sb, Te, I, Xe; Cs, Ba, La, Hf, Ta, W, Re, Os, Ir, Pt, Au, Hg, Tl, Pb, Bi, Po, At, Rn): Lonesome Bill "Bubba" Clinton's night off. Forebodings? None. Naughty Monica arrives. She proffers sex. Clinton accepts. Ken comes snooping. Tripp's vigilant, cajoles Monica for Clinton news. Clinton's zapped, gets grilled about stain by Ken. Rumors swell. Young (zaftig now) Monica talks readily. Report's published, and Clinton's indicted. Starr's sensational tome is X- rated. Clinton's beleaguered. Loses House trial. Washington's riveted. Onto impeachment proceedings. Acquittal! How to portray Bill's presidency? A riot! (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Honorable Mentions: The U.S. presidents in order: Why aren't just, moral men attracting judicious voters? Historically, the parties tried for plurality by listing jobs, growth, honest government as candidates' highest concerns. More recently, though, White House campaigns have refined their election knowhow: Just need Fox channel running biased coverage -- Bingo! (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) "The Magnificent Seven" actors (McQueen, Brynner, Coburn, Bronson, Vaughn, Dexter, Buchholz): Men being cowboys become very dead bodies. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Parts of the brain (Cerebrum, Diencephalon, Midbrain, Pons, Medulla oblongata, Cerebellum): Celine Dion music? Pretty much ca-ca. (Chris Doyle) Stations on Metrorail's Yellow Line (Huntington, Eisenhower, King, Braddock, Reagan National, Crystal City, Pentagon City, Pentagon, L'Enfant, Archives, Gallery, Mount Vernon): Here, escalators keep breaking routinely; noisy crowded cars perpetually cram passengers like a giant moving van. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Why we went to war in Iraq: Geopolitics, Empire-building, Oil, Regime change, Getting even, Electioneering, Weapons of mass destruction, Big business, U.N. failure, Stopping terrorists, Hubris. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Layers of the epidermis (Corneum, Lucidum, Granulosum, Spinosum, Basele): Cher likes getting skin Botoxed. (Chris Doyle) The Seven Dwarfs (Dopey, Doc, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful, Grumpy): Diminutive dudes halt scoundrel's secretive bedtime gambit. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) The major parties' female candidates for president or vice president in order chronologically, alphabetically and by number of votes received: Ferraro. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Airflow passages (Mouth, Pharynx, Larynx, Trachea): Monica pauses . . . "Let's talk." (Chris Doyle) Mnemonic for the amendments in the Bill of Rights: I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX and X. Indubitably, It Incorporates Ideas Including Individualistic Ideological Values, Virtue, Verities Interminable, and Valuable Insights Into Vexing Issues. (Indigenous and Involuntarily Indentured eXplicitly eXcluded.) -- (Steven J. Allen, Manassas) Presidential line of succession, from Vice president down to Veterans affairs secretary: Very harsh sunlight started to deplete Albert's harvests; ingeniously, Albert created levitating harvest helio-reflectors that evenly enriched vegetation. (Perrye Proctor, Upper Marlboro) And Last: The top five all-time Style Invitational Losers (Beland, Witte, Smith, Doyle, Hart): Beats working, say dorky hacks. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Next Week: Things Could B Verse ====================================================================== WEEK 628, published September 18, 2005 Week 628: You Gotta Have Connections How are Groucho Marx's eyebrows like two male rabbits? They both get a rise when they catch sight of a hot bunny.(1) Groucho Marx's eyebrows (2) The 400-meter dash (3) Sea urchin sushi (4) Two male rabbits (5) $52.20 (6) The gestation period of a hippopotamus (7) The Flying Spaghetti Monster (8) A $400 pair of jeans (9) Deep Throat's throat (10) The Pandacam at the zoo (11) 2 degrees Celsius (12) John Roberts's breakfast This week's contest, a perennial Style Invitational feature: Choose any two or more items from the truly random list above and describe how they are alike or different, as in the example above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a pair of lovely pink and white argyle socks sent to Style magazine critic Peter Carlson to promote something. He says they are unused. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 26. Results will be published Oct. 16. Put "Week 628" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Scott Campisi of Wake Village, Tex. Report from Week 624, in which we asked for limericks featuring words beginning with bd- through bl-: Third runner-up: If you don't want a swimsuit that's teeny, You'll be wise not to try a bikini. Even worse is the thong, Which, unless I am wrong, Would more aptly be called the betweeni. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Second runner-up: Alden knew what his friend Miles Standish meant; What his blushing request so outlandish meant. He'd woo fair Priscilla For that gruff old gorilla Who couldn't provide his own blandishment. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) First runner-up, winner of the inept horror movie "Manos: The Hands of Fate": There once was a little French chamois Who frolicked on rocks near his mamois. His blameless young fun Was soon wrecked by a gun, And he's now washing cars in Miamois. (David Alan Brooks, Llanfair-yn-Neubwll, Wales) And the winner of the Inker: Near my hospital room in a line Are my bingo pals, hoping I'm fine. Now the doc's at the door (I'm in N-24), And he's calling my tumor . . . B-9! (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Honorable Mentions In the mind is it nobler to die? Or to fight without questioning why? Should I face my life's lot? Should I be, should I not? That's the question; check all that apply. -- Hamlet, State of Denmark (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) Roast beast by the Grinch was allotted To Whos, who responded, besotted, With shouts and applause, While the heart of this Claus Grew three sizes -- and burst his carotid. (Tim Alborn, Port Jefferson, N.Y.) The doctor says now I'm forbidden To get up and walk -- I'm bedridden. I drank lots of iced tea And I have to go pee But I'm desperately wishing I didn'. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) At the newsstand one frequently sees An assortment of bared double-D's. Don't begrudge the fair sex A few well-toned pecs: We girls want some beefcake, not cheese-. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) He was poised, and had calmness within, And the Peace Prize (Nobel) he would win. But Prime Minister Begin Would curse like a pagan When people would call him "Begin." (Sheila Blume, Sayville, N.Y.) A belch is a short burst of air That in public may cause you despair But it's not quite so crass As the air you might pass Impolitely from your derriere. (Greg McGrew, Leesburg) Most election reformers believe Contributions are bad. (How naive!) But my Bible instructs What to do with my bucks: Says it's better to give, then receive. (Chris Doyle) A husband inclined to berate Might admonish a spouse who is late. But this little showdown Will just make her slow down: Cool your heels, zip your lip, and just wait. (Ron Stanley, Reston) There's an interesting notion aroun' That this limerick can only be foun' When a person can see it Or say it. So be it; That's Berkeleianism, the noun. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Berries are better by far Than all other kinds of fruit are: They come black and blue, And rasp and mul, too, and huckle and boysen and strawr. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) I wore black and refrained from all merrying As I pondered celestial ferrying. I arrived; my host gazed On my outfit, amazed, As it seems I'd been asked to go berrying. (Sheila Blume) A bestiality fan (what a creep!) Had a torrid affair with a sheep. The thing she most hated Was that after they mated, He would count her, then go right to sleep. (Melissa Ann Taylor, New York) If a peddler in Athens declares You'll receive, if you purchase his wares, A free panda that dances, Don't take any chances: Beware of a Greek gifting bears. (Tim Alborn) At a palace one sultry July Near Paree, a jeune fille caught my eye. She bewitched me that day And I fell right away En amour. It was love at Versailles. (Chris Doyle) Swapping presents twice yearly, you'll find You'll biannual get back in kind. But if every two years We exchange souvenirs, Then biennial thing -- I won't mind! (Brendan Beary) The gang who proved war is evadable Now declare, "Any country is raidable, And, for what it is worth, We will not harm the Earth Because people are biodegradable." (Harvey Smith, McLean) There's another deserving of blame For divulging a CIA name, But I sit in this cell For refusing to tell Who told me about Valerie Plame. -- Judith Miller, Alexandria (Chris Doyle) Don't serve pork to an Orthodox Jew. It's not kosher, so he'll say to you, "That's a blasphemy, sir!" The reply I prefer Is: "Well, thanks, it's a blast for me too." (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) To censors, the bleep was a hit (Though directors go into a snit). It doesn't sound swell But it does the job well, So your virgin ear never hears [bleep]. (Seth Brown) The blues came from origins rural. The songs paint a sorrowful mural. I'm down with the woe But I'd still like to know: Is "blues" singular or are they plural? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And Last: Begrudge not the winner his spoil, Though in vain goes another week's toil. ' Tis the fool who'd aspire, Like a moth to the fire, To match rhymes with one Christopher Doyle. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Next Week: Haven't Seen It, or Hollywouldn't You can see more limericks from one Christopher Doyle and many other Loser at www.washingtonpost.com. More Honorable Mentions from Week 624 of The Style Invitational: limericks featuring words beginning with bd- through bl-: A trucker who's weary and stressed Stops his rig at a trooper's behest. When he's ordered to nap, He refuses and ..... zap! He gets jailed for resisting a rest. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) To a sightless young lass, Jim opined, "You would make a great date - would you mind?" Jim got pickled one night, So she dared, in his plight: Walk him home: the blind leading the brined. (Bob Dvorak, Saugerties, N.Y.) The Beat movement's now coming back With beatniks who read Kerouac. They don't clap, they just snap. They like Ginsberg, not rap, Since they think rhyming metered poetry is "strictly dullsville." (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) The beefeaters form a small league in Great Britain. Their dress is intriguin'. They guard dear old Liz And promote tourist biz. I wonder if any are vegan. (Ron Stanley, Reston) In a backwoods bordello near Bangor, A floozy was famed for her languor: So lifeless in bed She was taken for dead, And in time, only necrophiles rang her. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) It's not like I'm wanting to see, To crawl or to walk or to flee, To rise, float or sink. No, I just want to think, Since that way I know I must be. - R. Descartes, Paris (Ken Gallant, Little Rock) In old Bangkok young Holbrook did find The location that he had in mind. With a masochist's glee He said, "This is for me." When he read on the door, "Thais That Bind." (Harvey Smith, McLean) In Delhi a dealer said, "Dang! We are making no cash in this gang! Twenty rupees a shot For this excellent pot! I am needing more buck for my bhang." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Well, it's down in my shed, in the rear, With the rest of my well-drilling gear. But why all the suspicion And this inquisition Of where I have bentonite, dear? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) With the orgy in progress, I reckoned I'd score by the way that she beckoned. She said that she toed A strict ethical code: "My husband comes first, but you're second." (Chris J. Strolin, Belleville, Ill.) The plumber was happily humming, Repairing a plug in the plumbing. His service was swell And he fixed the pipes well, But the crack in the back? Not becoming. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) I'm in hospital, could it be worse? But listen! Loud moans, then a curse! Does bedevilment lurk With a demonic smirk? It does: It's the enema nurse. (Bob Hogg, Thirsk, England) Today, my dear cat I interred, But her death should have never occurred. Neighbors caused me this grief, Giving her tainted beef, And "tongue got your cat's" what I heard. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) A hater of nature named Sonia Besprinkled her bulbs with ammonia. She ravaged her flowers With chemical showers, And bellowed, "Be gone, ya begonia!" (Tim Alborn, Port Jefferson, N.Y.) Matt's parents pay fees to a finder For a nanny who's put through the grinder. She quits with a wave When the kid won't behave. It's a case here of Matt over minder. (Chris Doyle) Beleaguered, a lion denied His own hunger and tried to provide For his litter of cubs, But they withered like scrubs, So he quit and just swallowed his pride. (Chris Doyle) Your calumnies show your committal To badmouth, disparage, and whittle Me down to your size. You're a runt in my eyes! (So is that how it feels to belittle?) (Chris Doyle) A true human must have a belly To hold all that stuff that goes smelly. To insist it be flat? There's no logic to that, 'Cause a belly by nature is swelly. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Just woke up from a horrible bender With my tongue bloody, swollen and tender. Crushed my daiquiri ice Without heeding advice That says, "Wait till you've turned off the blender." (Brendan Beary) A bibulous woman was she Who wouldn't stop drinking Chablis. When she started to spew, It was then that she knew That she should have been totaling tea. (Katherine Hooper, Jacksonville, Fla.) Some people can't handle their liquor - Two drinks and they're ready to bicker. "Your wife, I avow, Is a sour old cow!" "That's it. No more wine for you, Vicar." (Chris J. Strolin) I could see it from right where I stood, Cute and furry, oft thought of as good. It's the beaver by name, Which is often to blame For a massive stockpiling of wood. (Seth Brown) You were born years ago on this day, But have dirty parts you don't display. So I bought a machine That can help keep them clean, And it's all for you - Happy Bidet! (Seth Brown) The weapons were never located, The terror link not demonstrated. Yet we do what he says 'Cause we're used to our prez Always speaking with tongue bifurcated. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) A bigamist keeps on the run, Plays it safe and calls both spouses "Hon." So his double life thrives, He makes love with two wives, But he files joint returns with just one. (Carole Lyons, Arlington) A billet's a place soldiers stay While earning their soldierly pay. If a farmer's your host With a daughter to boast, Your payday will come in the hay. (Robert Holland, Vancouver, B.C.) All romance my sweet William eschews When he woos me with pizza and booze. Though he's wantin', I won't, Cuz, you see, Billy don't Ever send me those sweet billets-doux. (Chris Doyle) I'm a Capitol groupie! My heart is an Easy mark for the masterful artisan Of political might, Boy or girl, left or right: My tastes are completely bipartisan. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Woody Allen, that droll intellectual Who epitomized lust ineffectual, Said you'll upgrade your chances Of having romances If you're a committed bisexual. (Harvey Smith, McLean) An artist of eminent rank Told his students, by way of a prank, As they tried to decide Why no ink was applied: "Pay attention! I'm drawing a blank!" (Tim Alborn) Just leave it to Reverend Pat. That guy really knows where it's at: If you don't like a leader, You can make him a bleeder. Just send in a guy with a gat. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) The word bling-bling (for all of you newbies) Speaks of sapphires and diamonds and rubies In a style best expressed By the chains down her chest And the rings through her ears, nose and boobies. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) There was a young lady of Tottenham Whose blouses contained quite a lottenham, So the men on her street Prayed to God for more heat, Since she stripped off those blouses when hottenham. (David Alan Brooks, Llanfair-yn-Neubwll,Ögoogles fine-mar Wales) With his blunderbuss held to my head, "You'll get wed," said her dad, to my dread. Who'd have thought that a kiss Could have brought me to this? 'Twas a blunder - that buss - in her bed. (Chris Doyle) ====================================================================== WEEK 629, published September 25, 2005 Week 629: Odd Couplings If Lance Armstrong married Peter Boyle, would he be Lance Boyle? If Condoleezza Rice married Howard Fast, would she be Minute Rice? The Empress decided on t his week's contest after hearing from two Losers: Deborah Guy of Columbus, Ohio, remembered this type of joke from "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In" in the 1960s and '70s and figured it was time for an update, as in the examples above. And then we received an e-mail from one Mary Cronin Cherry, who, you will agree, is the World's Most Patient Person, someone who makes Job seem like an overcaffeinated finger-drummer. Mary won an honorable mention and she was wondering if we'd sent her prize out yet. It turns out that she got her Invitational ink for Week 54 -- whose results ran April 14, 1994. And guess what the contest was! Mary's entry: If Heidi Fleiss married Everett Koop, you'd have Heidi Fleiss Koop. Mary, you get a magnet if you remember to send us your address. Everyone else, now it's your turn: "Marry" or otherwise combine famous names and supply the result. Names that have gained prominence since 1994 would be nice, but you can use older ones, too. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a package of authentic Jamaican Grace{+T}{+M} Cock Flavoured Soup Mix (Spicy), bought at Giant by Peter Metrinko of Chantilly, plus some cherry-flavored wax lips. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 3. Results will be published Oct. 23. Put "Week 629" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report from Week 625, in which we asked you to come up with an alternative plot for an actual movie title: Dozens of Losers ventured that "Casablanca" was about the household of the first Hispanic president, and that "A River Runs Through It" was a travelogue of New Orleans. Third runner-up: The Whole Nine Yards: Kirstie Alley's instructional video on making a miniskirt. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Second runner-up: Baby Makes Three: A new mother finds something really, really disgusting in a used diaper. (Russell Beland, Springfield) First runner-up, winner of the book "Change Your Underwear Twice a Week: Lessons From the Golden Age of Classroom Filmstrips": White Men Can't Jump: Three-year-old Bobby Fischer learns the rules of chess. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) And the winner of the Inker: The Asphalt Jungle: In this series finale, Tarzan suffers his untimely death. (Kevin Jamison, Montgomery Village) Honorable Mentions: The Magnificent Seven: Aftermath of a nuclear disaster, starring Dolly Parton. (Gordon Jones, Draper, Utah) Garfield: The Movie: Oliver Stone finds another presidential assassination conspiracy. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: The story of Louisiana's fight to save its community baseball fields. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) She's All That: After a suicide bombing, forensic investigators have lots to piece together. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Yojimbo: A daring new chapter in the enduring saga finds Rocky Balboa going back in time to defend President and Dolley Madison from the invading British. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Silent Running : A mime, frustrated by the government's refusal to support his endangered art, launches an unusual campaign for public office. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) Gone in Sixty Seconds: A documentary on America's recent budget surplus.(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) The Shawshank Redemption: Michael Moore's film about a man who finds a coupon for a free shawshank in his Val-Pak and his struggles with Corporate America to redeem it. (Pete Hughes, Alexandria) She Wore a Yellow Ribbon: The owner of a small-town strip club finds a loophole in the city's anti-nudity law. (Russell Beland) You've Got Mail: King Arthur convenes the Knights of the Round Table. (Charles Mann, Baileys Crossroads) The Big Easy: The Mae West Story. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) The Exorcist: A woman with poor English skills becomes an aerobics instructor. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) Sorry, Wrong Number: Barbara Stanwyck portrays a tough-as-nails heiress who, day after day, fails to win the lottery. (Matthew Cole, Northfield, Minn.) I Know What You Did Last Summer: An IRS agent pursues a lifeguard over undeclared poolside earnings. (Steven King, Oakton) Chariots of Fire: In ancient Rome, a cartwright's wagons explode when pulled by pintos. (Brendan Beary) Fantastic Four: A man tries to convince women that it's not the size, but what you do with it. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Tom Witte) Around the World in 80 Days: The story of the world's slowest hooker. (Steven J. Allen, Manassas) Gladiator: The true confessions of Hannibal Lecter. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis; Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) The Rocky Horror Picture Show: A Sly Stallone retrospective. (Russell Beland) Stand By Me: The story of a man who always gets discount airline seats. (Russell Beland) Maria Full of Grace: A gruesome tale of cannibalism in a small-town convent. (Katherine Burke, Washington) Spring Break: A child is traumatized when his beloved Slinky rusts out. (Tom Witte) Total Recall: Poisoned wheat flakes kill hundreds as a cereal killer strikes. Only complete regurgitation can stave off death. What did you have for breakfast? (Martin Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.) The Bad News Bears: The Berenstain family goes to Iraq. (Erika Reinfeld, Medford, Mass.) March of the Penguins: An enthusiastic young basketball coach inspires little Youngstown State to reach the Final Four. (Pam Sweeney) Groundhog Day: The folks from "Deliverance" celebrate Thanksgiving. (Michelle Stupak) Miracle on 34th Street : A house in Georgetown actually sells for under a million dollars. It is, however, only six feet wide, having been a stable up until 1904. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) This Is Spinal Tap: Part 3 of the successful documentary series, on the heels of "This Is Goiter Removal" and "This Is Colon Irrigation." (Russell Beland) The Green Mile: A rival team sabotages a track meet with food poisoning. (Peter Metrinko) The Last Temptation of Christ: The story of the man who ran the dessert cart at the Last Supper. (Art Grinath) The Man Who Knew Too Much: Gov. George W. Bush realizes that the American voting public is put off by smarty-pants officials. So he begins a crafty campaign to make himself look less intelligent than the average voter. (John Shea) Northwest Passage: The D.C. neighborhood clash over Klingle Street access culminates in a hilarious quiche fight . (George Vary, Bethesda) The 40-Year-Old Virgin: Chef Tell is pressured to uncork his final bottle of rare vintage olive oil. (Ryan Poston, Florence, S.C.) Twelve Angry Men: Chaos ensues when budget cuts force a small town in Nebraska to drop the Drummers Drumming from the Christmas pageant. (Bill Thompson, Columbia) An American in Paris: The biggest Internet porn video of 2003. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Return of the Jedi: In Part 1 of an epic trilogy, the patriarch of the Clampett clan leaves Beverly Hills in a journey back to his ancestral homeland. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Next Week: Course Light, or Enrolling With Laughter ====================================================================== WEEK 630, published October 2, 2005 Week 630: Hyphen the Terrible Dignity x messages = Dig-sages, n. Experts in nose-picking. Yoda x schema = Yo-ma, v. To insult someone's ancestry. Sunsets x long-neck = Sun-neck, n., the currently preferred term for one of rural Southern heritage. This week's contest: Combine the beginning and end of any two multisyllabic words in this week's Invitational, and then define the compound. Each part should consist of at least one syllable but can't be the entire word. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives, discourtesy of Loser Ezra Deutsch-Feldman of Bethesda, the CD "Here Comes . . . El Son: Songs of the Beatles . . . With a Cuban Twist." Some of the cuts are actually pretty good. Some are not. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 10. Results will be published Oct. 30. Put "Week 630" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. Report from Week 626, in which we asked for catalogue descriptions of comical college courses: Third runner-up: Film 007: The James Bond Canon. Students will view all of the Bond films and write their term paper on which Bond is the best. Those choosing Sean Connery will get an A, Pierce Brosnan a B, Roger Moore a C, George Lazenby a D and Timothy Dalton an F. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Second runners-up: Federal Disaster Relief 101. Students will build a decision support system using faith-based logic and a Ouija Board. Prerequisites include Getting Permission From the Mayor 101, Clearing Everything With the Lawyers 101, and Telling the FEMA Director to Turn on the %#@* Television 101. (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Steven J. Allen, Manassas) First runner-up, the winner of the "prepared dry fish bone" food item: Anatomy 1 and 2, Posterior Survey: Through two semesters of intense classroom instruction and weekly labs, students will learn to locate their behinds using both hands. Textbook, flashlight and washable headbands required. (Phil Battey, Alexandria) And the winner of the Inker: LANG 238: Ancient Voices. Who were the Ink Spots? Country Joe and the Fish? What does "nanu-nanu" mean? Intense immersion into the language and culture of 15 to 50 years ago will enable the student to understand and converse with older relatives and prospective employers. Prerequisite for all INTN (Internship) classes.(Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Honorable Mentions: Mass Communications 330: The Future of Reality TV. Students will compete to participate in a reality TV show about competing to be on a reality TV show. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Mechanical Engineering 499: Intelligenter Design. Team project will recast the human body more sensibly, addressing ear hair, male nipples, the need to belch, things that flap when you run, lack of cup holders. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Harvardese I: Recordings of George Plimpton, William F. Buckley and President Kennedy are used to develop speech and listening skills in an obscure northern dialect. Fulfills foreign-language requirement. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Anthropology 570: Genealogy of the Daytime Serial. Documentation techniques will be utilized to trace the bloodlines in "All My Children" and "One Life to Live." Team-taught by Erica Kane Martin Brent Cudahy Chandler Montgomery Montgomery Chandler Marick Marick Montgomery and Victoria Lord Riley Burke Riley Buchanan Buchanan Carpenter Davidson. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio) Philosophy 000: Elementary Nihilism. Students learn the philosophy of total self-negation. Those who bother to attend classes will be failed. (Joseph Romm) Academic Communications 191: An information delivery module designed to disseminate linguistic interaction experience to assist Carbon Based Life Forms (CBLFs) in transactionalizing with other CBLFs, without utilizing affirmative/pejorative value judgments. (John Crowley, Annandale) CHEM 180: Household Chemical Reactions Lab. Students spend the semester in the home of the course instructor, testing various cleaning compounds on a variety of surfaces. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Math 420: Numerical Methods & Queuing Theory. Students learn to quantitatively assess aggregated items, compare their magnitudes to an arbitrary constant, and enter an appropriate queuing schema accordingly. Final exam held in the "12 Items or Less" checkout line. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) American History 300: The Baby Boomers. Students will learn precisely why it is that their professor is so cool now, was so cool in his youth, and will ALWAYS be cool, and is therefore forever entitled to be self-indulgent and snotty. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Comp Sci 404: Magical Standing for Office IT Guys. Students learn how to stand behind people in such a manner that their computer suddenly works, even though it didn't work the last 10 times they did that exact thing. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Studio Art 327: Hotel Room Picture Painting. Curriculum covers techniques in sunsets, crashing waves and various autumn things. Prerequisite to Crying Clowns I. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Early Childhood Education 001: Students will learn all they ever really needed to know. Prof. R. Fulghum. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Campus Activism: Practicum in which students earn credit through a real-life social project. This semester, the class will attempt to resolve egregiously discriminatory, arbitrary denials of tenure. Asst. Prof. Whistlebottom. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Literature 421: "Gilligan's Island" as a Metaphor for the Iraq War. What starts out as a three-hour tour turns into a trip to uncharted territory with no clear exit strategy. (Chuck Smith) Humanities 414: Waiting Through History. Students will investigate the social and cultural impact on society of waiting, and will actually wait for Godot, Lefty, the Robert E. Lee, Guffman, the Sun, and God. Meeting time TBA. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Theatre Arts 243: Contemporary Barroom Dance. Students learn to stand and wiggle their butts while drinking beer from a long-neck bottle. (Roy Ashley, Washington) BIO 101: Comparative Anatomy. Curriculum includes determining whether eyes or stomachs are bigger and distinguishing rears from elbows. (Kevin Dopart) American Literature 411: "For Dummies" Books, 2000-2005. In this survey course, students will skim brief excerpts from this genre, and submit short reports. (Tom Witte) ANTH 100: Distinguishing Old People. Undergraduate seminar dispels the popular notion that old people all look alike. Identifying characteristics will be underscored (e.g., gender). (Martin Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.) ENGL 615: Yoda I. To Yoda's grammatical structure you will be introduced. (Evan Golub, College Park) Phys Ed 349: Disaster Response Gymnastics. Coaches teach students how to put their heads up their butts in preparation for government service. Prerequisite: Arabian Horse Judging 101. Required text: "My Pet Goat." (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) English Comp 121: Great American Text Messages Under 250 Characters. ezy cls ne1 cn tak. Several short papers. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) SRP 101: Basics of Sub-Aquatic Reed Plaiting. Introduction to the most maligned of college majors. (Russell Beland) WORK 1601: McJob Practicum. Prerequisite for LIFE. Perform mindless, pointless and degrading tasks all day while taking guff from perfect strangers and feckless idiots. Try to find meaning and maintain your basic human dignity, especially after you get your first paycheck. Imagine doing this the rest of your life and suddenly finals week seems like Club Med. NOW are you ready to pick a major? (Douglas Frank) Next Week: Per-Verse, or Rhymes Against Humanity ====================================================================== WEEK 631, published October 9, 2005 Week 631: Picture This This week's contest: After our experiment in Week 616 with a cartoon contest that left most Losers scratching their heads and elsewhere in frustration, we'll get back on the wall this time with the plain-old: What's going on in any of these cartoons? Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives the fabulous Fandex Family Field Guide to the First Ladies, which features a stack of riveted-together . . . well, the Empress would never say "phallic," so let's say columnar flash cards, each topped with the head of a president's wife, complete with fun facts. This item was actually purchased by Russell Beland of Springfield and donated to the Empress months ago in a flagrant attempt to buy his way into Invitational print. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 17. Results will be published Nov. 6. Put "Week 631" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by John O'Byrne of Dublin. Report from Week 627, in which we asked for verses that comically failed to rhyme. Some people couldn't help themselves and kept sending in actual rhymes! One rhyme much too good for this contest was submitted by both Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo., and Ross Elliffe of Picton, New Zealand: "Roger Federer / Plays tennis betterer." As far as we know, no one re-sent a lousy poem originally submitted for our recent limerick contest -- though some definitely would have qualified. Third runner-up: In her kitchen, where we fell in love, I decided to make the first move. So I then made a pass While admiring her as She was leaning there over her stove.(Katherine Hooper, Jacksonville) Second runner-up: Men seldom make passes At girls with prostheses. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) First runner-up, winner of the Alfie the Liver coloring book: The newlyweds who live above me Romp all night, so lovey-dovey. I wish they'd cease to copulate, So I could see Ted Koppel late. (Tom Greening, North Bethesda) And the winner of the Inker: Hal had plenty of presence and poise, And a longing to leave Illinois. He decided to go Out to Idaho; now Our pal Hal is a man among Boise. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Honorable Mentions: "I'm in love, girl! My Kate is divine!" Gushed Tom Cruise, from atop Oprah's divan. To Matt Lauer, he'd later decry All believers in psychiatry! Said Brooke Shields: "He's one shrimp I'd love to devein!" (Gerard Zarchin, Annapolis) Bill Shakespeare stole my plays, so how come no one sees He's a bloody rotten poet, I'm a better man than he is. My only hope's posterity will recognize the fraud And realize that Billy Boy wrote not one single word. -- Earl of Oxford (attrib.) (Bob Hale, Bilston, England) NCAA's trail of tears, Atoning for its racist sins, You can be Wolves or Bears, But not Native Americans. Without a tribe's official blessing, Your mascot can't be Tonto. It's vital that you learn this lesson, Especially if you don't want to. (Tom Greening) That "Sideways" guy thought he had class, As he swirled wine like a king in a palace. You tell him I bought A case of merlot, And shove pinot noir up his foie gras. (Tom Greening) You didn't divulge your positions; You stayed, for the most part, inscrutable. The Dems are now having conniptions; Judge Roberts, your hearing was beautiful. -- Sen. O. Hatch, Washington (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) A pun should be met with a groan, A roll of the eyes, or a frown. But never with laughter! That is a disaster For which one should be gagged and bound. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) It's been my experience that fears through life abound. Our childhood's an example. What kid's not afraid of clowns? But, when we hit adulthood, we can feel true life's sad crush. For me, a real-life boogeyman is George W. Bush. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) They say In English, new or hoary, There is no word that rhymes with orange, To disillusion you I'm sorry, There's sponge, and estrange, and the Age of Bronzge. (Richard Lempert, Arlington) What edgy product placement Right here in the Sunday comics: "AAACK!" cried Cathy. "The dog just pooped In my new Manolo Blahniks!" (Brendan Beary) There was once a young man from Potomac, Who heard voices from inside his stomach. He knew not the language -- It could have been Spanglish -- But it gave him one terrible tummy ache. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Of English I do not approve: For the past tense of cleave is clove, Since language is modal, Then using this model, The past tense of leave should be love. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) My remarks, they must always be pithy, Don't wanna seem wussy or chichi. When I make a mistake, Folks won't leave it lay. They all go have fits like a hissy. -- Name withheld by request, Crawford, Tex. (Marty McCullen) If your hobby's to ski in your Speedo, Please refrain here in Vail, Colorado. We have rules to enforce, And we will. Park your arse Right at home, perv, and play the piano. (Ed Graham, Cupertino, Calif.) You can call this a new art form, of course, Making poems with poor rhymes on purpose. This bastardized rhyme scheme: Is it not just the same thing That non-literati call Free Verse? (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) It's so easy to write a good rhyme, You just put the same sound on each line. When the going gets rough You can simply plough through And then use random words from your brain. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) And Last: For this poet's end-all and be-all (A runner-up T-shirt in bright teal), Here's a rhyme scheme that misses, Without puns, jokes, or twists, And a topic too self-referential. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Next Week: Gotta Have Connections, or Link for Ink ====================================================================== WEEK 632, published October 16, 2005 Week 632: Live On, Sweet, Earnest Reader (Inc.) ALTOIDS: A Little Tin Of Icy Dental Stingers COMCAST: Cut Off My Cable Another Stinking Time A couple of years ago, in Week 512, we featured a contest asking you to use a person's name as an acronym for an appropriate description or quote. You might (evidently we didn't at the time) recognize this wordplay as what's widely called a backronym -- a fake etymology that often gets in a little dig at the subject. This week's contest, suggested by Loser-on-the-Rise Katherine Hooper of Jacksonville: Give us an original backronym for a company or product, as in the examples above. Warning: There are zillions of these all over the Internet. It's very easy to check if your idea is already out there -- please do. Newer, longer and less common names probably offer less traveled territory. On the other hand, don't use this contest as an opportunity to vilify your local dry cleaner; stick to corporate entities that aren't going to be cut to the quick by a little snarkiness. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives, discourtesy of Brenda Ware Jones of Jackson, Miss., the Internet Urinal{+T}{+M}, a little turquoise (opaque) jug for those times when you can't tear yourself away from the computer, such as when you're working on yet one more entry for this contest. (No, really, go, go. We'll wait.) It comes complete with a "female adapter." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 24. Results will be published Nov. 13. Put "Week 632" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 628, in which we asked how any two items in a 12-item list we supplied were similar or different. Once again, the Loser community came through, making astonishing connections among the 66 possible combinations in the Empress's truly randomly assembled list. More predictably submitted by dozens of you: How is $52.20 like a $400 pair of jeans? Both are worth about 50 bucks. A number of entrants were evidently unenlightened about the Flying Spaghetti Monster, thinking it had to do with the caloric value of Italian food rather than with a particular theory of "intelligent design." The Omniscient Noodly Appendage did enjoy a chuckle, however, we are reliably informed. Third runner-up: How a $400 pair of jeans is unlike Deep Throat's throat: One is top-of-the-line brushed denim; the other is a piece of old Felt.(Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Second runner-up: How two male rabbits are unlike the 400-meter dash: The former are two short hares with long fur, while the other is a hair short of two furlongs. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) First runner-up, winner of the pair of pink and white argyle socks: How the Flying Spaghetti Monster is unlike two male rabbits: One is a tangle of noodles and two meatballs that created everything ; the other have four meatballs but can't create anything no matter how much they tangle their noodles. (Jonathan M. Guberman, Princeton, N.J.) And the winner of the Inker: How $52.20 is like sea urchin sushi: Together they make up Toyota's offer for General Motors in 2009. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Honorable Mentions: How Groucho Marx's eyebrows . . . . . . are unlike two male rabbits: You can't make a whole coat out of two rabbits. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) . . . are unlike a $400 pair of jeans: The jeans only look painted on. (Greg McGrew, Leesburg) . . . are different from John Roberts's breakfast: Justice Souter isn't required to fetch Groucho his eyebrows. (Russell Beland, Springfield) How the 400-meter dash. . . . . . . is like Deep Throat's throat: Both have been the venue for many climactic finishes. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) . . . is like 2 degrees Celsius: They were the athletic and academic achievements listed on Michael Brown's job application for FEMA. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) . . . is like a $400 pair of jeans: The results depend on the shape of the person who's in it. (Ann Worthington, Annapolis) . . . is like Groucho's eyebrows: Both have often been enhanced by foreign substances. (Mike Fransella, Arlington) How sea urchin sushi . . . . . . is different from two male rabbits: The first is expensive, the second just a couple of bucks. (Jeff Brechlin) . . . is different from John Roberts's breakfast: When John Roberts is eating sea urchin sushi, we KNOW he's nibbling away at roe. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) . . . is like Roberts's breakfast: Both leave you wishing you had a Burger or Frankfurter instead. (Brendan Beary) . . . is like the Flying Spaghetti Monster: Both are things the Kansas Board of Education isn't about to swallow. (Brendan Beary; Russell Beland). . . . . is unlike Deep Throat's throat: You don't mind giving the Heimlich maneuver to someone choking on sushi. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) . . . is like Groucho's eyebrows: In a blind taste test, these two items tied for next to last, beating out only batter-fried Play-Doh. (Russell Beland) How two male rabbits. . . . . . . are unlike John Roberts's breakfast : Glenn Close wouldn't cook John Roberts's breakfast. (Pam Sweeney) How two male rabbits. . . . . . . are unlike $52.20: Michael Jackson isn't likely to carry $52.20 around in his pants. (Brendan Beary) How $52.20 . . . . . . . is unlike a $400 pair of jeans : $52.20 is the monthly wage of the person who sewed the jeans. (Ted Weitzman, Olney; Rob Poole, Ellicott City). . . . is like a $400 pair of jeans : They are worth exactly the same at an "Everything 86.95% Off" sale. (Russell Beland) . . . is unlike the 400-meter dash: The former was the cost of our dinner at the Mexican restaurant, and the latter was the cost afterward. (Michael Platt, Germantown) How $400 jeans . . . . . . are unlike the Pandacam at the zoo: The first are best when stone-washed; the second is best watched when stoned. (Kyle Hendrickson) . . . One covers bears as they rear, the other covers bare rears. (Jeff Brechlin) . . . are like two male rabbits: They're both things that Jessica Rabbit fantasizes about. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) How Deep Throat's throat . . . . . . is unlike Groucho's eyebrows: The latter will tickle your funny bone. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) is like a $400 pair of jeans: If the pants are scratchy you can probably get a refund. (Elwood Fitzner) How John Roberts's breakfast . . . . . . is like the Flying Spaghetti Monster : If you ask about either of them, don't expect a forthright answer. (Evan Golub, Hyattsville) . . . is unlike sea urchin sushi: Ted Kennedy does have a snowball's chance of getting invited for sushi. (Greg McGrew) . . . is different from two male rabbits: At the former, Roberts ate Lucky Charms; the latter HAVE eight lucky charms. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) How are sea urchin sushi, a $400 pair of jeans, the Flying Spaghetti Monster and two male rabbits alike? The first two make me want to vomit; the last two make Pat Robertson want to vomit. (George Demas, Fairhaven) Next Week: Odd Couplings, or Names Bond ====================================================================== WEEK 633, published October 23, 2005 Week 633: Your Secret Here! "I like to decorate the instructions in the airplane seat pocket." "When my brother makes me mad, I spit in his shoes." "I threw out your thongs because you're too fat." This week's contest: In the pleasant Washington suburb of Germantown, there's a man named Frank Warren, who has a document-delivery business and an unusual hobby: He keeps a Web site called PostSecret.com, to which people send anonymous picture postcards containing . . . their personal secrets, including those above. Frank then, of course, posts them for all to admire. Send us some original secrets (they don't have to be true, as Frank requires for his actual "group art project"),and the Empress will post the most interesting -- at least the printable ones -- right here for all to admire. Just the text is fine; you don't have to make a postcard. But if you're inclined, you can compose a postcard with original, previously unpublished art, and we'll print a couple of the best (they'll be in black and white). Send them either by mail or digitally to the address below. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives the excellent book "Fonging for the Soul," which delves into the co(s)mically spiritual practice of hanging an oven rack from your fingers and then sticking said fingers into your ears while others tap the rack with kitchen utensils. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com , by fax to 202-334-4312 or by mail to The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 31. Results will be published Nov. 20. Put "Week 633" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 629, in which we asked you to "marry or otherwise combine famous names and supply the result." Yeow, if The Post could run a paid marriage announcement for each entry submitted for this contest, the Empress might be able to stop issuing prizes she finds in the wastebasket. The Steal Invitationalists were out in force this week, with a shocking number of them submitting, under their own names, the chestnut that if Tuesday Weld married Hal March Jr., she'd be Tuesday March the Second. For one more bleepin' time, folks, do not send us a really great joke you've heard! We are interested only in really great jokes you've come up with yourself. Third runner-up: If Ewan MacGregor married James Watt and then Dick Armey, would he be Ewan Watt Armey? (Chris Doyle, Kyoto, Japan) Second runner-up: If Tyra Banks married Harrison Ford, she'd be the model T. Ford. (Michael Baker, Columbia) First runner-up, winner of the special Jamaican soup mix: If Glenn Close married Bob Seger but didn't change her name, would she be Close, but no Seger? (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) And the winner of the Inker: If Ivana Trump, Samantha Bee, Lorna Luft and Oksana Baiul formed a matchmaking firm, it would be Ivana Bee Luft Baiul.(Marcy Alvo, Annandale) Honorable Mentions: In the infinitely unlikely event that Andre Agassi were to marry Pope Benedict XVI, would he be known by the nickname of Ags Benedict? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) If Michelle Wie married Prince William, she'd be the royal Wie. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) If Irish dancer Michael Flatley partnered with Sandra Dee and Louis Nye, they'd get a lot of government PR work as Flatley Dee Nye. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) If Yo-Yo Ma married Yasir Arafat, would he be Yo Ma Arafat? (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) If Polly Bergen married Cotton Mather, they'd be a Cotton-Polly blend. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) If Ram Dass, the Dalai Lama and Paris Hilton had a threesome, would they be Ram-Lama-Ding Dong? (Michelle Stupak) If Carmen Electra married Alonzo Mourning, would Electra become Mourning? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If Noah Wyle married James Watt and then Idi Amin, he'd be Noah Watt Amin. (Joseph Romm, Washington) If Calista Flockhart married Tom DeLay, there'd be a slight DeLay. (Russell Beland, Springfield) If Robin Wright Penn and Fred Gwynne had a daughter named Marjorie, would she be Marge of the Penn-Gwynnes? (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) If Anna Kournikova married Martin Mull, Stepin Fetchit, Edwin Hubble, Bobby Orr, Delaware Gov. Ruth Ann Minner and Brett Hull, she'd be Anna Mull Fetchit Hubble Orr Minner Hull! (Chris Doyle) If Tiger Woods married Jeremy Irons, would they be a Full Set? (John Held, Fairfax) If Mary Tudor married Tom Mix, would she be Bloody Mary Mix? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) If Billy Crystal married Tristam Shandy and then King Lear, would he be Crystal Shandy Lear? (Judith Cottrill, New York) If Ellen DeGeneres married Amanda Plummer, wouldn't that be ironic? (Brendan Beary) If Sandra Day O'Connor married Gerald Ford, would she be Sandra Day Tripper? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) If Clayton Moore got together with the Dalai Lama, he'd be the Koan Ranger. (Roy Ashley, Washington) "Will she keep her, um, last name?" we worried at the wedding of Henry VIII and Edith Head. (Brendan Beary) If Briana Banks married David Duke, she'd be Briana Cracker. (Seth Brown) If Nikita Khrushchev married Elisabeth Shue, would he bang her right there on the table? (Brendan Beary) If Alice Cooper married Garry Trudeau, Keye Luke, Larry King and Philip Glass, would he be Alice Trudeau Luke King Glass? (Chris Doyle) If Frank Oz married Sen. Pat Leahy and then President Hu Jintao, he'd be Yoda Leahy Hu. ( Mike Fransella, Arlington; Stephen Litterst, Ithaca, N.Y.) If Ruby Dee married the Keystone Kops, she'd be Ruby Slippers. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) If Chynna the wrestler married Bill Gates, would she be Burly Gates? (Tom Witte) If Isabella Rossellini married Joseph Campanella, would she be Isabella Ringing? (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) If Michael "Brownie" Brown married Squeaky Fromme, he'd become Mr. Squeaky Fromme, to lessen the opprobrium. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) If Sharon Osborne married Robert Sherrill and then Dwight D. Eisenhower, she'd be Sharon Sherrill Ike. (Jonathan Groner, Washington) If Lorena Bobbitt married Ashton Kutcher and then Randy Johnson, she'd be Lorena Kutcher Johnson. (Mary Cronin Cherry, Fairfax) If Uma Thurman married Monty Hall, would she be Monty's Uma? (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) If Levi Stubbs of the Four Tops married Brad Pitt, he'd be a Pitt's Top. (Robin Grove, Woodbridge) If Don Ho married Heidi Fleiss, she'd be Heidi Ho -- not to mention Heidi, Ho. (Glenn Smoak, Reston) If Tony Soprano married Tommy Tune, would they both end up in Sing Sing? (Jeff Covel, Arlington) If Kim Cattrall and Carol Alt opened a sandwich shop/cyber-cafe, would it be called the Cattrall-Alt Deli? (Kyle Hendrickson) If Woody Allen divorced his current wife and married Mia Farrow, that would be just too weird. I mean, marrying your ex-wife's mother, how sick is that? (Russell Beland) If Lindsay Lohan married me, the fact that her name would sound like wood preservative would be the last thing on my mind. (Chris Doyle) If Shania Twain married Mark Twain . . . nah, they'll never even meet. (Kyle Hendrickson) Next Week: Hyphen the Terrible, or Two Halves Make One Howl ====================================================================== WEEK 634, published October 30, 2005 Week 634: Mess With Our Heads Sex-Ed Panel's Makeup Is Challenged Members' Messy Mascara 'Looks Like They Just Got Out of Bed,' Critics Charge This week's contest: It's time again for one of the Empress's favorite pastimes, Making Losers Read The Washington Post. Take any headline, verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Post or on washingtonpost.com from today through next Sunday, and change its meaning by adding either a "bank headline," or subtitle (like the joke bank head under the actual Oct. 16 headline above), or the first sentence of the article that might appear under it. Please include the date and page number of the headline you're citing from the paper; for Web articles, give the date and copy a sentence or two of the story so it's clear what the original was about. Headlines in advertisements and subheads within an article can be used, too; photo captions cannot. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets, via Dave Zarrow of Herndon, a longtime Loser who bills himself as "America's Funniest Office Products Dealer" (motto: "We Eat Staples for Breakfast"), a genuine Pickle Putter, which is a real, full-size golf putter with a green pickle-shaped head on the side away from the ball. This is not just any old Pickle Putter, however. This is an exclusive club: It's from the Edward Lowe Industries Pickle Barrel Invitational, in Cape Girardeau, Mo. The late Mr. Lowe was the inventor of Kitty Litter, see. You don't see. Neither do we. But it's a fantabulous prize. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com , or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 7. Results will be published Nov. 27. Put "Week 634" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. Report from Week 630, in which we asked you to make up a word that combines the beginning and end of any two multisyllabic words appearing in that week's Invitational. Third runner-up: Lusted x deadline = Lust-line: The imaginary visual horizon below which no man's eyes should stray when he's talking with a female co-worker. (B.J. Alexander, Minneapolis) Second runner-up: Queuing x reality = Queu-ty: The blonde who's always allowed to cut into a line. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) First runner-up, winner of the CD of Cuban-style Beatles songs, "Here Comes El Son": Ouija x any: Oui-ny: Un nerde. (Chris Doyle, Tokyo) And the winner of the Inker: Currently x converse = Cur-verse: Doggerel.(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Honorable Mentions: De-pective: In need of chest implants. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Gram-stand: To brag excessively about one's grandchildren. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Ho-am: A competition for dilettante st r eetwalkers to vie with professional prostitutes for business. (Jeff Covel, Arlington) Pub-scriptions: The original over-the-counter medications. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Infor-less: Describing a convict who worked out a plea bargain. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Affirma-bottom: What you'll have afta some more time on the StairMasta. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Carb-ule: The largest amount of non-protein allowed on the Atkins diet. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Mech-ymous: A windup Disney character. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Contemp-teristics: Things I hate about you. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Lust-mit: What Jimmy Carter did in his Playboy interview confession. (Michelle Stupak) Ho-job: A trade or profession in which one must degrade himself in exchange for money. Antonym: unemployment. (Phil Battey, Alexandria) Posteri-mining: Searching for the lost thong. (Pam Sweeney) Judg-lines: The eye makeup used by certain Supreme Court nominees. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Appropri-nastics: Maneuvers used to tack a pork barrel amendment onto unrelated legislation. (Pam Sweeney) Annan-ymous: An unidentified U.N. official in the Oil for Food scandal. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Theo-quatic: Baptist. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Semi-bon: One-fourth of a bonbon. (Pam Sweeney) Num-bottom: A long and boring meeting. "I've got an all-day num-bottom on process standardization." (Brendan Beary; Phil Battey) Oui-ple: Yes-men. (Ted Weitzman, Olney) Ro-lexandria: An upscale neighborhood adjacent to Old Town. (Chris Doyle, Tokyo) Pseudo-raq: Implants. (Chris Doyle) Ink-ville: Wherever Chris Doyle is writing from this week. (Tom Witte) Snot-tumn: Ragweed season . (Brendan Beary) Dum-munications: e.g., "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees." (Phyllis Reinhard) Honor-assas, pl.: Down and out. (Charles Mann, Baileys Crossroads) Lust-nets: Condoms. (Tom Witte) Po-hinds: a Bayou delicacy that somehow has never become popular north of the Louisiana border. (Peter Metrinko) Ink-bands: Plain brown rubber bands labeled "LoseStrong," instituted as Style Invitational prizes in the latest round of Washington Post cost-cutting measures. (Kyle Hendrickson) Meta-dent: A dent in your dent. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Class-wood: The reason many a boy would rather take an F than go up to the blackboard to work an algebra problem. (Kyle Hendrickson) Ten-dot: Braille code for a real hottie. (Peter Metrinko) North-bottom: Disoriented. "No wonder we're lost, you idiot, you got the stupid map all north-bottom." (Russell Beland) Discrimi-negation: The perfunctory disclaimer "I'm not prejudiced, but . . ." that is invariably followed by an appallingly racist remark. (Brendan Beary) Pain-ulum: Stop calling it a speculum and say what it really is! (Michelle Stupak) Hy-by: A greeting designed to get you past that boring guy at the office without having to stop and chat. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Bat-pus: A caldron ingredient that's a handy substitute for newt-eye. (Tom Witte) Mc-manity: A sea cow burger, already supersized. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) Nip-ship: A bra. (Tom Witte) Pract-ished: What Lucy Ricardo did to prepare for the Vitameatavegamin commercial. (Michelle Stupak) Dead-livery: Alcoholism. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Invitation-ure: Contents of the Empress's wastebasket. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) McPerts: Mass-produced breast implants. (Ted Weitzman) her-MA: An in-law who's a disaster from Day One. (Steven J. Allen, Manassas) Mc-Bottom: No all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, or sesame seeds. Just bun. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Dum-assas, n, pl. People who use up a whole week they'll never get back trying to win items that other people paid good postage to give away. (Dan Seidman) Intelli-vitational: Definitely some other contest. (Tom Witte) Next Week: Picture This, or Draw Your Own Conclusions ====================================================================== WEEK 635, published November 6, 2005 Week 635: I've Told You a Hundred Times As of today, the Empress is 100 weeks older than when she effected a little regime change and tossed that little ol' Czar aside. Since then, Loser magnets have replaced Loser bumper stickers, and maybe there have been fewer toilet jokes. But one thing is constant: Every week, someone or other gripes that his obviously superior entry was overlooked. Thi s week's contest: Enter any Style Invitational from Week 536 to Week 631(the Style Invitational Web page on washingtonpost.com includes links back to Week 599, which is enough for any sane person). Your entry, either one previously submitted or a new one, must be substantially different from the original winners. It may refer to events that occurred after the original contest appeared. Because of space limitations, shorter-form entries are more likely to get ink than long ones such as song parodies. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets, discourtesy of Beth Martin of Fairfax, a board game called Washington in a Box, presumably because its creators forgot to name it Total Ripoff of Monopoly. It is very colorful, however, and features various Washington landmarks and the Lincoln Memorial, Capitol dome, etc., as tokens. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 14. Put "Week 635" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Jesse Frankovich of Lansing, Mich. Report from Week 631, in which we asked you to explain these cartoons. We don't think Bob Staake had "Farrah Faucet" in mind when he drew Cartoon B, but that's what occurred to everyone else. First, a correction: The winning entry for Week 630, printed last Sunday, had also been submitted by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo., as No. 45 in a list of 55 entries. Poor Chris was credited only with First Runner-Up (for No. 17). 4 Cartoon B: Though shareholders applauded the Victoria's Secret-Restoration Hardware merger, some Tysons Corner shoppers were put off by the new window display. (Alison Kamat, Reston) 3 Cartoon D: At the NBA reception, Shaq is served up one more canape. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) 2 Cartoon C: Winner of the "Field Guide to the First Ladies": Reflecting the shift in American demographics, Tootsie Roll adjusted its serving size . (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 1 And the winner of the Inker Cartoon D: When W asked if the Delta could be raised to prevent flooding, Brownie said, "No problem!" (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Honorable Mentions Cartoon A Frank wondered how long his blow-up doll's mother was going to visit . (Fil Feit, Annandale) Let out her air, Blair: The 51st way to leave your lover. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Doesn't anything come with an instruction manual anymore? (Martin Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.) It's the same old story: You get married and your wife makes you throw out your stuff. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Crew members continue to clean out debris from the Minnesota Vikings' lake cruise. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) The estate of the late, great Lucille Made an unseemly marketing deal When they licensed a doll That's not likely at all To turn up in your next Happy Meal. (Russ Cooper, Phoenix) Cartoon B Fashion takes a turn for the worse in Montgomery County after smokers are required to keep fire extinguishers on their persons at all times. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) The Franklin Mint proudly announces its newest collectible, "Martha Stewart in the Jug." (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Another fiendish right-wing plot to control a woman's right to ooze. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) Dodging the paparazzi, Kate Moss hides inside her bong. (Bird Waring, New York) When Chloe opted for breast reduction surgery, she didn't count on all of her tank tops falling down. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City; Russell Beland, Springfield) Cartoon C Yolanda's hopes of anthropological fame and fortune would be dashed when experts disputed her claim to have found the Missing Link. (Mark Eckenwiler; Kate Sternberg, Reston) Some consumers failed to notice the drawback to the once-a-year birth control pill. (James Noble, Lexington Park) "Hey, good deal on baby panda sausage!" (Jonathan Guberman, Princeton, N.J.) She had never heard of Soylent Green, but since it was 75 percent off with a savings card . . . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The new, improved Ball Park Franks, marinated "in the clear." (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) A Hollywood memorabilia collector quickly spots Minnie Pearl's headrest. (Russell Beland) Cartoon D The centerfold editor of Abstract Monthly checks the proofs of Miss May. (Sue Richardson, Somerville, Va.) Examining an X-ray of the package that arrived at the White House in plain brown paper, the Secret Service discovers it's only the president's new Speedo. (Jeff Covel, Arlington) An event organizer displays the traditional welcoming sign for the Association of Gay Airline Pilots. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) All Wolfowitz needed was a square peg, and the Iraq war plan would be complete. (Brian Barrett, New York) Proud to have finally come out of the closet, George tries to get a pink triangle sunburn on his forehead . (Ted Weitzman, Olney) After doing time for kiting checks, Ed enters a work-release program with a job checking kites. (Brendan Beary) Cartoon E "I done run into John Barleycorn 'fore payin' my Uncle Sam . . ." (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) The Teamsters convention wasn't too happy with Banjo Bob's right-to-work folk songs, but at least they paid him. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Bono's band mates didn't take it well when the IRS persuaded him to change the group's name. (Brian Barrett; Bruce Evans, Arlington) Maybe he shouldn't have told the tax man that he sure had a purty mouth. (Art Grinath) Flattened Scruggs. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And all five: A is for Anger, which Al has to spare, For love is Apparently not in the Air. B is for Beatniks, not very Becoming, Like Bess, who's not Bashful to show you her plumbing. C's a Colossal Corned beef from the deli; A Cinch to Consume for bulimics like Ellie. D is for Drawings of Deltas in red, Which Don, the big Dolt, likes to Drop on his head. E's Education: now Erv has just learned What the feds do to those who misstate what they've Earned. (If primers like this make you sputter and spout, Be glad the F picture was edited out.) (Brendan Beary) Next Week: Live On, Sweet, Earnest Reader, or Print Our Style Tripe ====================================================================== WEEK 636, published November 13, 2005 Week 636: A Song From Tex Arcana I'm tryin' to say I'm sorry, but you're makin' it hard to do. I looked for you in Bremen -- Gdansk and Hamburg, too. Breslau, Krakow, what's it matter anyhow? Why do ya make me roam? I got the Hanseatic League fatigue, baby, when you coming home? Sea urchin sushi The Hanseatic League The preservative sodium benzoate Marzipan The S&P 500 The Beijing Olympics Fluorescent light bulbs Prince Valiant Tungsten, bismuth and/or molybdenum Burkina Faso The Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act "The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer" Back in Week 628, where we asked you to compare any two items on a list we supplied, one entry from Brendan Beary of Great Mills posited that the difference between sea urchin sushi and $400 jeans was that you could probably write a country song about the jeans. This idea got no ink because its premise was obviously faulty. This Week's Contest: Write a verse of a song about sea urchin sushi or any of the other ostensibly unlyrical topics listed here. You may include more than one topic. The example above was written by the Esteemed Mr. B at our request. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives, by the grace of Loser Mary Ann Henningsen of Hayward, Calif., a genuine 1989 "Alf" calendar, complete with the lovable TV alien posing in pinups dressed as a gangster, football player, etc. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.com, or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 21. Results will be published Dec. 11. Put "Week 636" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report From Week 632, in which we asked for "backronyms" for companies or products. 4 W ow! H eroes E at A nything T o I ndiscriminately E ndorse S omething(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) 3 T iny R aincoat O ver J ohnson A voids N atality (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) 2 The winner of the Internet Urinal plastic jug: B ig U gly D runkards W ill E njoy I ts S moothness, E specially R egurgitating (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 1 And the Winner of the Inker M oshe, A fter N ipping I nebriating S yrup, C rudely H ollered, " E sther W einstein I s T itillatingly Z aftig!" (Jonathan M. Guberman, Princeton, N.J.) Honorable Mentions Homorable mentions walk away with lusted-after Style Invitational magnets. (Martha Wright) H elp U s M orons M isuse E arth's R esources (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) H ere's O ne S ubstance T hat E very S cientist S hould T est: W hat I ngredients ( N onfood) K eep I t E ternally S pongy? (Chris Doyle, Tokyo) D ispatching E verybody's L uggage T o A tlanta (Brendan Beary) S imply C overs O doriferous P iehole E xhalations (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) G et A T ub O verhead . . . R eady, A im, D ump E verywhere! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich) G lop E nters R etching B aby, E xits R unning (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.) A trio: I nter- P ersonal O bstruction D evice (Daniel Horner, Washington) I mpending P andemic O f D eafness (John C. Feltz, Fairbon, Ohio) I t's P axil, O nly D igital. (Kirk Zurell, Waterloo, Ontario) H ow O ften M en E xperience D elirious E cstasy P urchasing O bscure T ools! (Brendan Beary) X erox E xactly R eproduces O riginal X eroxes. (Joe Neff, Oreland, Pa.) S not U sually D ries A fter F ive E ventful D ays (Marty McCullen) S eattle T ycoon A ccumulates R iches B ecause U pscale C onsumers K eep S ipping. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) C ome I n A nd L ook! I 'm S tiff! (Chris Doyle) K eep R esisting I nsidiously S weet P astries -- Y our K eister R egisters E very M inuscule E xpansion (Elwood Fitzner) F ats R endered I nto T idbits O f S in (John Held, Fairfax) M ad C ow D isease O r N ot, A mericans L ove D ietary S uicide (Elwood Fitzner; Chris Doyle) C ongressional S peeches P roducing A merican N arcolepsy (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) P athetic R ug? O bvious P omade? E xtreme C ombover? I 'm A vailable! (Chris Doyle) I nsurance N ecessary O r V acate A rea (Jeff Covel, Arlington) M en E xpediently T ake A M anure U sing C halky, I cky L iquid (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Y ucky O rganisms, P lainly L iving, A re I n T here. (Brian Barrett, New York) V igor I n A ging G enitalia R equires A ssistance (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax) M anly R efreshment P roduces I deal B ooming B elches (Brendan Beary) C rates O f S tuff T o C art O ut (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) M eet A nd T alk. C atch H erpes. C all O ther M atch. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) G reat O rganizer O f G od's L ittle E arth (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) U sage T riggers Z its (Roy Ashley, Washington) O ne R eaches, E ats; O ne . . . (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Almost Last: W easelly A nonymous S ources H elp I nform N ewspaper G iven T o O vertly N oxious P ositions O n S ubversive T opics -- R. Nixon, Hades (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And Really Last: We A lways S hare H orrible, I nsensitive N ews, G ladly T aking O ur N ice P rofit O ff S omeone's T roubles. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Your Secret Here, or The Battle of Divulge ====================================================================== WEEK 637, published November 20, 2005 Week 637: Full Steam Ahead Pant by Numbers By Mayor Anthony Williams "Take me," Stephanie moaned to Horace as she closed her ledger, in which she had just recorded a surplus in excess of $740,000 for the previous fiscal year. Horace looked at her hungrily. This sultry accountant stirred a longing in him he could not deny, even if under oath at a judicial inquiry into municipal management practices. The Style section's always spunky Reliable Source column recently had a great time gleefully compiling -- and rating -- hot scenes from the novels that seemingly half the wonk population of Washington (Barbara Boxer! Scooter Libby!) feels compelled to write, and clearly shouldn't. It inspired Loser Peter Metrinko of Chantilly to suggest more of the same. This week's contest: Write a steamy passage of a novel that's ostensibly by some well-known person who isn't a novelist. Maximum length 75 words; significantly shorter entries are also welcome. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives, through the misguided charity of Loser Brenda Ware Jones of Jackson, Miss., a hollow ceramic baking potato or possibly yam, to which is glued a gold-painted ceramic pipe as might be held by a leprechaun. We cannot begin to guess the intended use for this fine piece, but it is clearly worth an enormous amount of work to win it -- and face it, it's probably more than you'll make for your fiction from anyone else. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 28. Put "Week 637" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Douglas Frank of Crosby, Tex. REPORT FROM WEEK 633, in which we asked you to share some real or fictitious "secrets" a la the required-to-be-true ones on PostSecret.com. Half the entrants, it seems, 'fessed up to having used the pseudonym "Russell Beland" or "Brendan Beary" or "Chuck Smith" hundreds of times over the past years. Ah, no wonder these guys get so much ink. 4 When I'm mad at my wife, late at night I "adjust" the bathroom scale by one turn counterclockwise. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) 3 I don't really think George Bush is the most brilliant person I ever met. If he were, why would he have nominated me ? -- H.M., Washington(Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) 2 The winner of "Fonging for the Soul," which involves making music by making weird sounds with oven racks: (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Winner of the "Fonging for the Soul" Contest. (Jeff Brechlin) 1 AND THE WINNER OF THE INKER: During boring meetings, I pretend everyone present is naked. And good looking. And female. And a kangaroo. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) HONORABLE MENTIONS Sometimes I pick my nose and let my dog eat it. Man, is he gross. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) I once looked something up on the Internet at work that was not job-related. (Art Grinath) I don't really like sex -- I just do it because everyone else is doing it. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) I can eat only the Rice Krispies that snap or pop. The ones that crackle bring back too many bad memories. (Rob Poole, Ellicott City) I wish there were more verses to "I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I'm the guy who designed some of the Toyotas so that you can't use the cup holder and the ashtray at the same time. My bad. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) I own a vegetable stand but I sell tomatoes anyway. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) When my neighbors neglect their grass, I secretly spell out dirty words on their lawns in fertilizer. (Russell Beland, Springfield) For whatever reason, I can pee only when sitting down. It's embarrassing and sometimes inconvenient, but it's nothing compared with the fact that I can poop only when standing up. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) I recycle my thongs by stitching them together to make granny underpants. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) I like to dig out my earwax and create figurines of former classmates who picked on me. Then I plick them. (Debi Marsh, Montgomery Village) I re-gifted the rosary our priest gave me in memory of my parents. (Judith Cottrill, New York) I phound Pharmer Phred phlinging pheces to phertilize his phields. And then I phound him phrolicking with his phlocks. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio) (Jeff Brechlin) Hurricane Katrina was my fault. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Sometimes I wear a cheap wig just so people will be sympathetic because they think I have cancer. (Russell Beland) I like to switch the regular eggs with the organic eggs at the supermarket. It makes me feel like an anarchist. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) I want to cram a piece of kryptonite up my father's butt. -- Kal-el Coppola Cage, New York (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) I just skim the Reader's Digest stories. (Russell Beland) I sniffed a cork from a bottle of wine in a D.C. restaurant and later drove home. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Sometimes I do read the paper . -- G.W.B., Washington (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) I have never torn a tag off a mattress. (John Crowley, Annandale) I sometimes harbor doubts that the hokey-pokey is really what it's all about. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) I told my son to invade Iraq because I wanted him to fail. -- Name Withheld by Request (Joseph Romm, Washington) I sell The Post's Express tabloid to tourists for 10 cents a pop. (Stephen Dudzik) I secretly don't watch "Desperate Housewives." (Russell Beland) While I was glad to see her, there really was a gun in my pants. (Ted Weitzman, Olney) I read my husband my Style Invitational entries as foreplay. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Next Week: Mess With Our Heads, or Double Headers ====================================================================== WEEK 638, published November 27, 2005 Week 638: The Little Bummer Boy It's three full days past Thanksgiving, which means that you've already heard Kenny G play "White Christmas" 123 times in every commercial establishment except Max's Kosher Deli (unless Max, too, was spinning a set of songs written by Jews and played by Jews). It also means it's time for the movie and TV studios to drag out even more treacly "holiday fare" on film. This week's contest: Come up with an idea (and title, if you like) for an original Christmas movie or TV special that provides an antidote to all the sap, and give us a brief synopsis. Nothing blasphemous about the Baby Jesus, please. And we'll be happy to run the token entry about your alternative December holidays as well. There's a good chance we'll get many similar ideas, so we'll be looking for especially good phrasing. This contest was suggested to the Empress by erstwhile Loser Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax in an incessant attempt to get his new Christmas trivia book mentioned in print. Okaaay, Kevin, it's called "Christmas's Most Wanted" and he wrote it with Phillip Metcalfe. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives an Advent calendar promoting last year's stinking bomb movie "Christmas With the Kranks." And we'll toss in Kevin's book. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 5. Put "Week 638" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published -- ta-da! -- Dec. 25, the first night of Hanukkah this year. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. Report From Week 634, in which we asked you to pair an actual Post headline with a "bank head" or opening sentence that reinterprets the headline. Many readers augmented After Shooting, Arundel Will Check Security with something like Officers to Fire First, Then Perform Body Searches. 4 Conn. Archdiocese Will Pay $22 Million to Abuse Victims Church Insists Incentives Will Be Worth It to Maintain Tradition(Martin Mould, Springfield) 3 Woman Arrested in Alleged Teen Drinking Halloween Tip Leads Police to Gruesome Brew (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) 2 The winner of the Pickle Putter pickle-shaped putter: From Prodigy to Promising Virtuoso Even with 947 volumes, the most massive encyclopedia project ever hasn't reached the Q's. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 1 And the Winner of the Inker Ta-Ta to the Windsors Janet Jackson Performs at White House Dinner for Camilla, Charles (G. Smith, Reston) Honorable Mentions Bigwig Democrat Gets Bush as Speaker Ancient Plant Previously Had Spoken Only to Moses (Russell Beland) Kilgore Parlays Tenacity, Luck Candidate 'Speaking That Durn French Again,' Va. Voters Complain (Bob Dvorak, Saugerties, N.Y.) Forty-Two Deaths a Day Keep Designated Driver at the Wheel State Reports Success With Trucker Hired to Control Population (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City; Howard Walderman, Columbia) Ravens Just Miss Attempt to Rap on Chamber Door; Instead Crash Into Window (Jonathan Guberman, Princeton, N.J.) Castilla Dealt for a Pitcher Nationals Hoping to Trade Rest of Infield for an Order of Nachos (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Flu Plan Counts on Public Cooperation Half of Public Must Agree Not to Get Flu (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) Mess With Our Heads Efficiency Study Suggests Serving Ship's Meals in Latrines (Michael Bobrik, Arlington) A Quiet Woman's Resonant Farewell Mourners Surprised by 'Whoopee Coffin' (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Coyote Trapper's Methods Ruled Lawful by Judge 10,000-lb. Weight, Falling Grand Piano, TNT Deemed Okay (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) H-Backs Propel Offense Quasimodo Scores Three Touchdowns in Fighting Irish Victory (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Mich.) New Dating Service Caters to Those ISO Rural Romance PETA to Stage Protest Rally (Bob Dalton, Arlington) GW Picked First Jeb Blames Brother for Nasty Nose Habit (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Court Rules Fighting Is an Integral Part of Hockey Catty Remarks in Figure Skating Also Upheld (Elwood Fitzner) Just Soap and Water CIA 6-Month 'Encouragement' Diet Outperforms Atkins (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Blonds Are Entering the Sumo Ring Fearful Contestant Asks: 'Is There Any Way Out?' (Bob Dalton) Now You Can Stop Living With Varicose Veins Lawyer Offers Low-Cost Divorces (Peter Metrinko) Delta Asks for Permission to Void Pilots' Contract Board Met Pilots' Earlier Demand to Stick Contract Up Their Butts; Now Admit Discomfort (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) An Overflowing Tribute to an Icon Dedication of Thomas Crapper Memorial Goes Horribly Awry (Jonathan Guberman) Alito Respectful of Precedent, Associates Say 'At Least One Person Around Here Respects Me,' Bush Declares on Reading Report (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Population Expert John Aird Dies Silver Spring Census Reduced by 1 (Bob Grossman, Columbia) Democrats Demand Rove's Firing Just Sticking Him in Cannon Not Enough, Reid Says (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) White House Ethics, Honesty Questioned Researchers Reveal Most Common Headline in U.S. History (Russell Beland; Dave Prevar, Annapolis) MMR Vaccine Does Not Appear Linked to Serious Disease Pediatricians Unite to Ask: 'So Why Are We Giving All These Shots?' (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Gates Foundation Pledges More Toward Malaria Research Microsoft Tries New Tactic to Cut Down Competitors (Ken Gallant, Little Rock) A Very Good Car, but Alas It Has No Soul Buyer Disappointed After Buying Popemobile (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Thomas Stone Raises $4,000 Supreme Court Justice & His Urologist Make Unique Contribution to Charity Auction (Brendan Beary) Bush Plans 11th-Hour Rally in Va. for Kilgore GOP Pleased That President Agreed to Stay Up Past Bedtime (Chuck Smith) Newman Snags Pole Acclaimed Actor Hospitalized After Urinal Mishap (Jeff Brechlin) Jaguars Have Chance to Pounce on Battered Rams Veterinarians Decry Zoo's Switch to Deep-Fried Diet for Big Cats (Mark Briscoe, Alexandria) Supreme Court Calendar Unrobed Justice Souter Makes Splash as 'Mr. October' (Roy Ashley, Washington; Brendan Beary) Unknowns Pose a Challenge for Preparedness Plan Study Suggests It May Be Easier to Plan for Certainties (Russell Beland) $75,000 in Bull Semen Is Stolen From Frederick Farm 3 Police Officers Injured Recovering Fingerprints (Rob Poole, Ellicott City) Trial Could Pit Libby's Interests Against Bush's Fruit Cocktail Giant Wants to Expand Into Baked-Bean Market (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.; Russell Beland) Yes, I'm a Hunter -- Here's Why Boy in Typing Class Snarls, 'Given the Choices, Yes, I'm a Hunter' (Ann Worthington, Annapolis) Version of Michelangelo's 'Pieta' Called Blasphemous 'Just Wait Until They See the Captions,' Says Staake (Kevin Dopart) Next Week: I've Told You a Hundred Times , or Give Us Your Tired, Your Poor ====================================================================== WEEK 639, published December 4, 2005 Week 639: What's The Small Idea? Set up a National Fruitcake Eaters Registry to make it easier to re-gift the brick you get for Christmas. The public-spirited folks at the Service Employees International Union are sponsoring a contest with a grand prize of $100,000: "We're looking for fresh, new ideas for a better America. Do you have a common-sense idea that will improve the day-to-day lives of everyday Americans?" The puerile-spirited folks at The Style Invitational are sponsoring a contest with a grand prize of half a set of bookends with a bag over its head: We're looking for funny stuff to put on Page D2 of The Washington Post. Do you have a senseless idea for improving the day-to-day lives of everyday Americans? Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives, via Loser Dave Prevar of Annapolis, a bottle of Genuine Gold from Colorado. That would be gold flakes suspended in liquid, with a little prospector charm atop the bottle cap. They are, well, shiny. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 12. Put "Week 639" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by several people; the example is by Russell Beland of Springfield. The revised title for next week's contest is by John O'Byrne of Dublin. Report From Week 635, in which the Empress masochistically invited people to send in entries for any of her previous 99 contests (they could refer to later events). Not surprisingly, it was the perennial Losers who went to town on this one. 4 Week 612, No. 102 on a list of 101 things: 101 Ways to Stop Global Warming No. 102: Blow on the ground. (Martin Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.) 3 Week 625, new plots for real movie titles: "Jumpin' Jack Flash": Hidden-camera footage of too-revealing calisthenics at the fitness club.(Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 2 The winner of the Monopoly rip-off game Washington in a Box: Week 608, retorts: Q. Are you fishing? A. No, I'm walking my pet lake. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) 1 And the winner of the Inker: Week 629, "marriages": If Anouk Aimee married Norman Lear, Rick Dees and John Jacob Astor, we'd surely have Anouk Lear Dees Astor. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) A Chronicle of Honorable Mentions Week 539, poems about notables who died in 2003: I mourn the death of Spectacular Bid/Each time I open a dog food lid. (Brendan Beary) Week 540, historical events as pairs of puns: 411 B.C.: Aristophanes writes "Lysistrata": Sex and the City-State, or No Hits, No Runs, No Eros. (Chris Doyle) Week 545, spell a word backward and define the result: Oedor: The mixed scent of broncos, bulls, cowboys and fear. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Le Guk: An unsuccessful brand of noodle pudding. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Week 546, combine two or more U.S. towns in a "joint venture": The Phenix (Va.) - Pittsburg (N.H.) J. Danforth Quayle Center for Academic Excellense (Russell Beland., Springfield) The Youngblood (Ala.) Coeur d'Alene (Idaho) Screamer (Tenn.) Horror Movie Hall of Fame (Brendan Beary) Week 547, the good and bad of corporate names: Big Red Gum is a good name for chewing gum but a bad name for a periodontal clinic. (Russell Beland) No Nonsense Sheer Endurance is a good name for pantyhose but a bad name for an escort service. (Brendan Beary) Week 548, what celebrities did as children: Johnny Cameron Swayze smashed his father's watch with a hammer and, boy, did he get a licking. (Roy Ashley) Week 568, groaner puns on book titles: What do Yellowstone rangers call a first-time hiker? Bear Food in the Park. (Chris Doyle) What did they call the booby prize at the casserole cook-off? The Winner of Our Dish Contempt. (Chris Doyle) Week 571, invent a word containing, adjacently, T, H, E and S: Chesticles: Mammaries. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) Week 577, plays on TV show titles: Fear Factorial: Not just fear, but fear! (Tom Greening, North Bethesda) Husseinfeld: A sitcom about a dictator who hangs out with three annoying, neurotic people for nine years, then has them shot. (Ben Schwalb) Week 579, alter the title of a TV show: The Young and the Wristless: Life in a Saudi reform school. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Weeks 589 and 628, combine the beginning and end of two words in that week's Invitational: Strad-buster: His new nickname summed up why Pete Townshend's second career as a concert violinist met a quick end. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Ma-spective, pa-spective, gram-spective: "No, because I said so": "Okay, but don't get arrested"; "Here, honey, eat something." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Week 595, define a hyphenated heading on a page of a phone book: Child-Chimney: Vulgarism for the birth canal. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio) Fireplace-Fishing: This week on "America's Stupidest Hobbies." (Ben Schwalb) Week 598, names for rooms at particular places: Restroom at a tech support center: Nature Calls (average wait time: 72 minutes) (Pam Sweeney) Week 602, change a word beginning with A, B, C or D by one letter and redefine it: Argoyles: really ugly socks. (Michelle Stupak) Debaucherry: one's first orgy. (Tom Witte) Commandot: a telltale sign that someone isn't wearing underwear. (Tom Witte) Week 612, No. 102 of a list of 101 items: 101 Rules for Dressing for Success No. 102: Be sure your lipstick matches the shade of your snake tattoo. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) 101 Tools for Husbands to Help Their Wives No. 102: the orchid whacker. (Roy Ashley) Week 615, announcements for the Independence Air comic to make: Good news! Bank of America has just approved a short-term loan, so we'll be flying with a full tank of fuel on this leg of the trip. We'll keep you informed if that changes. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Week 617, write about someone using only the letters in his name: Anderson Cooper: N.O. is a pond! CNN's pop poser scoops peers, addresses errors, recaps needs. Dons a cape and ascends onscreen. . . . Poor Aaron. (Michele Puzzanchera, Pittsburgh) Week 620, Ways to increase Post readership: Invent a rumor that the city's competing paper is owned by a right-wing religious cult. (Russell Beland) Week 622, a new amendment to the Constitution containing only words from the original: The President shall appoint a citizen to limit immediate danger caused by nature to any State. This person shall be chosen for his payment to the President or Vice President, or by contributing to the list of all persons who voted for the President, and shall not have any other qualification. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) Week 625, new plots for real movie titles: " 9 to 5": A woman adjusts to life with her, um, less substantial second husband. (Tom Witte) Week 629, comical marriages or other unions: If Dee Wallace-Stone married Eric Carmen, Rob Lowe, Cornel West, John Dean, Mark Harmon and Ralph Nader, she'd be Dee Lowe West Carmen Dean Harmon Nader. (Chris Doyle) If Dick Van Dyke married Lorena Bobbitt, you'd have Van Dyke. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Week 632, backronyms: Speed Stick: Seriously, People, Employ [Expletive] Deodorant! Stench That Indecent Could Kill! (Jonathan Guberman, Princeton, N.J.) Viagra: Verifiably Increases A Gent's Recreational Amplitude (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) NASA: Not All Shuttles Arrive (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg) Next Week: A Song From Tex Arcana, or Compose Mentis ====================================================================== WEEK 640, published December 11, 2005 Week 640: Whassa Motto Wid You? In one of the more sensible acts committed by a politician this year, the acting governor of New Jersey rejected the state slogan that his government had paid a firm $260,000 to come up with -- "New Jersey: We'll win you over" (the guv's objection was that it was just too pathetically desperate) -- and instead asked the public for suggestions. He'll announce the winner next month. In the meantime, give us a slogan or motto for any of the states, the District or the U.S. territories. This contest was suggested by several Losers (including Cheryl Davis of Arlington and more recently Russell Beland of Springfield) but truth be told, the Empress was reluctant, fearing that most states would generate entries that were mostly variations on "This state is boring." So prove her wrong. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets the bodacious prize pictured here, from Loser Kyle Hendrickson of Frederick: "Now, I Can Dress Myself!!!," a lovely paper-doll-style set of refrigerator magnets featuring "George W. Bush," clad only in a Texas-shape Lone Star fig leaf, whom you can dress in various costumes including Napoleon, Carmen Miranda, Generic Rasta and Generic Terrorist. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 19. Include "Week 640" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. REPORT FROM WEEK 636, in which we asked you to come up with songs about any of a dozen topics that had rarely if ever been the subject of anyone's song. Some are parodies of existing songs; for the rest, make up your own tunes. 4 The Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act: What you want, baby, I'll tax it, What you need, you know I'll tax it. All I'm doin' Is to protect the folks who live at home (just a little bit)Hey baby (just a little bit), the folks at home. P-R-O-T-E-C-T Help our weak economy, P-R-O-T-E-C-T Vote for Smoot-Hawley. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) 3 Sea urchin sushi (To "When You Wore a Tulip"): Oh, sea urchin sushi, Now what shall I do? She Has left me alone to cry. Sea urchin sushi, I'm feeling so blue, she Won't even tell me why. Sea urchin sushi, She said she was true. She Was true -- to another guy. As I sit here and chew you, I wish you were fugu, So I could curl up and die.(David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) 2 The winner of the 1989 "Alf" calendar: The S&P 500: Burning rubber down on Wall Street In Florsheim shoes and rubber tires, He's my NASDAQ NASCAR driver But my options have expired. Oh, I'm a broken-hearted broker 'Cause our merger has been sundered. He left me stranded at a pit stop On the S&P 500. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase) 1 And the winner of the Inker: Tungsten, bismuth and/or molybdenum: I gave my true love specimens of bismite, And bismutite in quantities galore; I told her of my own Bi curiosity, And how my preference ran to "either ore." I only can assume she misinterpreted, For in a tearful huff, my love has flown. Yes I'm footloose, fancy free, since she left them rocks with me, And now they ain't nobody's bismuth but my own. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) HONORABLE MENTIONS Burkina Faso: I took a post in Upper Volta back in World War II, It's now Burkina Faso, what's a diplomat to do? The French Sudan is Mali, and Benin's replaced Dahomey, But where the hell'd the Gold Coast go? Can anybody show me? I've got the Ouagadougou-what'd-they-do-to-Africa blues. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Hot dang, West Africa's sending me my own mail-order bride, And I'm gonna' take her into town, jest a-bustin' out with pride. And on my word, you can bet the ranch that's so, As long as she ain't no Burkina Fatso. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Tungsten, bismuth and/or molybdenum: I am the very model of a maven academical, Astute in esoterica, both physical and chemical. I know the strengths of tungsten and the oxides of titanium And made it all my business to have bismuth in my cranium. I've taken many courses sans remorse for having cribbed in 'em To be a little glibber as an expert in molybdenum. (Chris Doyle) "The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer": You picked a fine time to leave me, MacNeil, With wars and recessions and elections they steal. I need a co-host, and you seem to know most, So please, can't we work out a deal? You picked a fine time to leave me, MacNeil. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) The S&P 500: I was sittin' in a barroom. I was feelin' just like trash. I'd lost my job, I's deep in debt, I needed extra cash. Then a sexy lady spoke to me, and I was really stunned. She said, "Buy the S&P 500 fund." Now I got screwed that evening (my story is complex) 'Cause I didn't get no kissin' and I didn't get no sex. This lady was a broker. She persuaded me somehow. I did what she asked, and I am broker now. (Harvey Smith, McLean) Our company's in good company We've made the list of S&P The trick to earning more and more Is to keep our moral standard poor. (Dan Seidman) Fluorescent light bulbs: Bartender, bartender, I need a drink tonight. I need to drown my heartache in your fluorescent light. Something 'bout that bulb keeps reminding me of him. It's cool, white, cheap -- and a little dim. (Barbara Sarshik) She's rude and she's crude, and she's foulmouthed and lewd, She's a cowgirl with no social graces, With a brain like a long-burned-out fluorescent light bulb, But she's bulbous in all the right places (Bob Dalton, Arlington) The preservative sodium benzoate: There's a doctor up in Austin who's been givin' me some guff, Sayin' cut out all the country ham and pork, I've had enough. My hypertension's spikin' from preservatives in food. But, doc, I'm sold on salty meat, don't wanna seem so rude. So have your say an' lecture me from up there on your podium, But, hell, I like beef jerky filled with benzoate and sodium. (Chris Doyle) I am the very fine preservative sodium benzoate, I'm found inside those plums and cloves and cranberries and prunes you ate, I help preserve your salad dressing, juices, jams and soda -- yum, I'm made of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen and sodium. (Dan Seidman) The Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act: Woke up this morning, no sugar to be found, Woke up this morning, your melons ain't around. They can't protect you, baby, gonna make you pay . . . Got some strong lumber here, need to move it now, I got hardwood, honey, but no one will touch it now. Those tariffs keep messin' the depression, Got me the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act blues. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Next Week: Full Steam Ahead, or VIPorn ====================================================================== WEEK 641, published December 18, 2005 Week 641: Dreck Of All Trades On a visit to her parents in Falls Church, aspiring Loser Elizabeth Molye passed an establishment that served as both laundromat and check-cashing service. Obviously, she said, the place should call itself Money Laundering. This week's contest: Come up with a business that combines two or more disparate products or services, and tell us its name and/or something else funny about it. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up wins, discourtesy of The Post's own shopping maven Janelle Erlichman Diamond, a CitiKitty, which is a plastic thing that you put over a toilet seat in an effort to train your cat to pee and poop in your toilet. Because, face it, your toilet is just too clean right now. What it needs is some cat excrement. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 26. Include "Week 641" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 15. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. Report From Week 637, in which we sought steamy scenes in novels as penned by your choice of people who aren't best known for being novelists. A whole anthology could have been compiled of Iraq-metaphor entries whose punch line was "pull out now." 4 Did you ever notice how, when a woman is seductively removing her undergarments, all you can think about is how Lois Lane might look doing the same thing? -- Jerry Seinfeld (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) 3 With a twinkle in his eye, he beckoned her to the bedroom. "But why?" she asked. "It's too early to go to sleep." As he put his arm around her he said, "No, my dear, I've invented a wonderful new thing for two people to do together in bed. Come with me and I'll show you." -- Al Gore (Jonathan M. Guberman, Princeton, N.J.) 2 The winner of the hollow ceramic potato: "I like to watch," Margaret said . . . -- Eleanor Holmes Norton (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 1 And the winner of the Inker: The marble rolled down the chute, striking the lever that turned on the fan. Angela looked up at him, then back at the device, breathing heavily. The dart flew in a perfect arc, as he knew it would, ultimately propelling the two catcher's mitts toward her chest. It was perfect. Embraced by the mitts, she turned her attention to the second device waiting below, and as the next marble started its journey, she moaned softly. -- Rube Goldberg (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Honorable Mentions The pusillanimous prattling of his advance was pathetic -- bearing no resemblance to his carnal conquest of the erstwhile pristine Janelle at Notre Dame in 1968; and yet the expression in Rachel's pulchritudinous orbs supported the conclusion that in fact, he-could-go-all-the-way! -- Howard Cosell (Jeff Brechlin) On or about June 11 or 12, 2003, Person A had sex with Person B . . . -- Patrick Fitzgerald (Joseph Romm,Washington) As Brad eyed Amber's assets, the old volatility in their relationship was running high, and he was hoping for a quick upturn, a good rate of growth and an eventual merger. But Amber was concerned about his performance, particularly his penchant for short-term, rather than long-term, investments, and the inevitable deflation that followed. -- Alan Greenspan (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Frank stared into her eyes. Time seemed to stand still, although, as the world's foremost authority on time and space, Frank knew this was impossible, and what seemed like an eternity was in fact only a second, or 1/141,912,000,000,000,000th of the time since the Earth's crust had cooled. -- Stephen Hawking (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) The table was cleared, and he gazed adoringly into her eyes. "Issue 17," he announced. "Your place or mine?" "I think -- " "Question: Tonight was (a) very romantic, (b) supremely enjoyable, or (c) the most wonderful night of your life? Eleanor!" "Really, it -- " "Well, that settles it -- my place. Issue 18: Your car or mine?" -- "Date, Interrupted" by John McLaughlin (Martin Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.) Before the engaging by John in the carnal reproductive enjoyment that occurs between a man and a woman of certain ages upon the precondition of the forthright giving of consent by both parties, he had to first be sure that Jane was going to be receptive to his linguistic and not dispassionate requests for such behavior by him. -- Harriet Miers (Marc Leibert, New York) He hit the ground running, opening a gap in her already flimsy defense. Bottom line? It was crunch time. Lex left nothing on the field. He split the uprights, and they finally came together as a team. -- From "Two-Minute Drill," by Joe Gibbs (Steve Fahey, Kensington) She lay languorously on the satin sheets, misting her nude body with a special mixture of Chanel and Lysol; she tugged on the guardrails alongside the bed -- one can't be too careful when romping about on slippery satin, she thought. As her man approached, she gave her throat a quick spritz of zinc gluconate. Suddenly, nostrils flaring, she demanded: "Why isn't your surgical mask in place?" -- Sally Quinn (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) His lovemaking was intoxicating -- Ann felt like a prairie dog trapped in a moonshine still at an Amarillo tractor pull. But what she truly marveled at was Kenneth's frequency. -- Dan Rather (Brendan Beary) He ran his towel up and down the sculpted legs. Then he let his fingers wander across the arms and up to the lovely shoulders. He was aching to kiss that magnificent neck, but realized he never could. A tear welled up as his gaze wandered to the hands of his beloved. The hands that could catch anything except his tongue. . . . He pressed his hand against the mirror and sighed. -- From "I Love T.O.," by Terrell Owens (Steven King, Vienna) Like unto 40 years had he pursued her; and when at last she graced his bed, he finally gazed upon the Promised Land. "Holy me!" he shouted. -- Moses (Jeff Brechlin) Maybe it was the peyote messing with my brain, but Rosie O'Donnell looked awfully good to me right then. She winked one hooded, reptilian eye and flicked her long, bifurcated tongue at me. If only the stadium weren't full of careening vampire bats, I would have leapt out of my box seat and taken her right there at home plate. -- Hunter S. Thompson (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Mmmmmmm, breasts. -- Homer Simpson (Peter Metrinko) "Wow, Bob, wow!" Anna murmured hungrily. "Tuna roll, or a nut?" I offered. She shook her head. "Wonton?" "Not now!" She seemed to be getting a bit testy. "Xanax?" I suggested. "Dammit! I'm mad!" And then she was gone. "Huh?" -- From "My Palindrama," by Robert Trebor (Katherine Hooper, Jacksonville) I gazed longingly at his muscular calf, glistening with a film of manly sweat after his mountain bike ride. The tightness of his cycling shorts around that firm thigh sent shivers through my loins. I could not resist any longer -- I must take the plunge and slake the thirst of my lust . . . "Hey, get off my leg!" George yelled. -- Barney the Scottie (Chris Parsons, Gaithersburg) And Last: Said a lecher who leered at his guest: "With your cleavage I'm truly obsessed." "You should move," she did say, "And right there you may stay. Due south, that is where I suggest." -- Chris Doyle (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Next Week: The Little Bummer Boy, or Nightmare on 34th Street ====================================================================== WEEK 642, published December 25, 2005 Week 642: It's Open Season Ribbled: Amused someone with a dirty joke. " 'The Aristocrats' ribbled the audience constantly, except the lady who'd thought she'd be seeing a Merchant Ivory film." The Empress was alerted recently, by chronic Loser Roy Ashley of Washington, to Merriamwebster.com's "Open Dictionary," to which anyone can submit a new word and a definition. Most of the entries so far are pretty lame; they're often unnecessary variations on existing words, such as "occupate" to mean "occupy." You -- yes, you personally -- can do much better: Come up with a brand-new word and its definition. And the word must begin with O. Oh, okay, O, P, Q, R or S. Make sure that Google is not already overflowing with uses of your "new" word. It's okay to use an obscure existing word if your definition has nothing to do wih the real one. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a colorful dreidel-motif hospital scrub shirt handcrafted by sometime Loser Marleen May of Rockville, who has to work her nursing shift tonight, the first night of Hanukkah, because, you know, Jews get to work on Christmas. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 3. Include "Week 642" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. Report From Week 638, in which we asked for ideas for holiday movies or TV specials that would counter their usual sappy themes: 4 "A Cockroach Christmas": Ernest the bug tries desperately to find a morsel of food, but the house has been sterilized by the germ-obsessed lady of the house, and his family can't even celebrate Christmas because they're getting exterminated. (Sasha Lamb, Washington) 3 "Bill Nye's Physics Phun With Santa": The Science Guy disintegrates the Santa myth as he uses a blowtorch and a hot dog to demonstrate reindeer thermodynamics at the speeds needed for Kriss Kringle to stay on schedule. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2 The winner of the "Christmas With the Kranks" Advent calendar and the book "Christmas's Most Wanted": "Holy Guacamole": When they decide they've seen a miraculously appearing Nativity scene in a bowl of mashed avocado, the Hernandez family learns how to make a little extra Christmas green. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) 1 And the Winner of the Inker "Apocalypse Noel": Captain Benjamin Willard dog-sleds deep into Yukon Territory to assassinate deranged Colonel Nicholas Klaus, who has appointed himself Santa to a devoted Inuit tribe. (P.H. Stevenson, Scottsville, Va.) Honorable Mentions "Not a Creature Was Stirring": The doors are shut at the soup kitchen on Christmas Day after no one volunteers to help out. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) "Mr. Potter's Revenge": George Bailey watches as an interstate is built past Bedford Falls, the industries move out of town, the residents move to the suburbs, his savings and loan is accused of redlining, and finally a Wal-Mart is built on the outskirts of town and decimates what remains of the central business district. (Christopher P. Larsen, Portland, Ore.) "Christmas in Iraq": Join our troops for the ceremonial lighting of the Yule detainee. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Put It on Lay-Away": This year's hottest toy is the Baby Farts 'n' Giggles doll, and the biggest toy store in town doesn't have any -- on the shelves, that is. The manager has plenty in his office, though, because he knows some moms will do just about anything to get one!(Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "New Year's Zero-Tolerance Eve": Live from Washington! Watch as D.C. police arrest every driver who's smiling. 0.08% fun! (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) "A Holiday Dirge: The Ghost of Christmas Future" shows Scrooge a band of zealots insisting on terminology meant to exclude Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. His view of mankind confirmed, Scrooge sends the Cratchit family to debtors' prison and uses Tiny Tim's crutch for firewood. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax) "Axmas, or Shop Till You Drop": A trip to the mall on Christmas Eve becomes last-minute chopping for this group of teens. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) "Miracle on 14th Street": A Washington lady, infused with holiday spirit, bestows some special gifts on visitors from the surrounding suburbs. (Roy Ashley, Washington; Martin Mould, Springfield) "Red Nose of Death": Taunting from peers turns North Pole outcast Rudolph into a psychotic loner obsessed with revenge. (John Johnston, St. Inigoes, Md.) "Santa Clausewitz": Santa and his team of reindeer are redeployed to Iraq. Their platoon gets lost in the fog of war. Unfortunately, Rudolph, with his nose so bright, makes an excellent target at night. (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.) "The 87% Solution": Holiday classics improved with having the ending cut off. The box set includes the Grinch leaving with all the loot; Frosty melted; and George Bailey ready to jump off the bridge. (Kevin Dopart) "Terry Schiavo's Animated Christmas Special." Two hours of videotape showing Terry's delight as her parents dangle ornaments and sing Christmas classics. Viewers at home are encouraged to sing along and wave at Terry. (P.H. Stevenson) "Be the Grinch": Contestants vie to see who can break into the most houses on Christmas Eve and relieve their victims of presents and decorations. (Robert Gluck, Herndon) "The Loneliest Candle": Rejected from Teleflora the week before Christmas as too limp, a sad candle is rescued from the dumpster by a homeless man, and achieves blazing glory as the source of a fatal three-alarm fire on skid row. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) "Kathie Lee Gifford's Desert Island Christmas": Tom Shales gives this special his highest recommendation, as Kathie Lee is stranded with the "Survivor" cast and they kill her for meat. (John Johnston) "The Bipolar Express": A young boy finds that the exhilaration of candy canes and sugar plums can come crashing down in disappointment and loneliness. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) "The Love Yule Never Know": Originally made as a tender, open-minded love story, but when PBS rejected it the show went to Fox as a no-holds-barred expos of the relationship between Santa and the third elf from the left. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) "A Death Row Christmas": It's Christmas Eve, and the men on death row plan their last meals and share anecdotes about the children they'll never see again. When words spreads that the governor will pardon one of them, a fight breaks out; but peace is restored once they realize it's just another of the warden's holiday pranks. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "A Michael Brown Christmas": When Charlie's father is put in charge of the "Peanuts" holiday pageant, he loses the script, ignores the puddles on the stage, and shows up late for the performance. But what a nice suit he's wearing! (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.; Joseph Romm, Washington) "Two Eyes Made Out of Coal": A snowman waits, lonely, despondent, in an empty field, knowing that a warm front is on the way. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) "Elf-B.I.": Agents go undercover at the North Pole to hack into Santa's naughty/nice database as part of their stepped-up surveillance of the citizenry. They see you when you're sleeping, they know when you're awake . . . (Brendan Beary) "Gift of the Magnificent Seven": Yul Brynner sells his hair to buy a holster for Robert Vaughn's gun while Robert Vaughn sells his gun to buy a comb for Yul Brynner. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: What's the Small Idea? or Too Clever for Worth ====================================================================== WEEK 643, published January 1, 2006 Week 643: The Post's Mortems Richard Pryor's fame grew bigger/When he dared to use the N-word. What more uplifting way to stride off into the New Year than to stomp our feet into the old, with some doggerel about dead people? It's Year 3 of Dead Letters: Give us a rhyming poem about some notable who died in 2005, as in the example above. Okay, the example doesn't technically rhyme, but then again, the Empress doesn't always technically follow the rules, even her own. As always, poems of more than four lines had better be dead-raisingly brilliant. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives "Treasure Trove of Ideas," a handsome set of DVDs from the government of Hong Kong, somehow parted with by Mark Eckenwiler of Washington. This box set includes hits such as "Patent Strategy," "Let's Talk About Copyright" and "Freed Riders of the Economy." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, like the one above. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 9. Include "Week 643" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report From Week 639, in which we asked, as a counterpart to the Service Employees International Union's contest for sensible ideas to improve the lives of everyday Americans, some, well, less-than-sensible ideas. Some entries were actually sensible, but only in a Loserly way; many people, for example, suggested a device to reroute telemarketing calls to other telemarketers. However, they made our Do Not Ink list. 4 Implant earphone jacks in all infants at birth to allow for more convenient iPod connectivity as toddlers. (Robin D. Grove, Woodbridge) 3 Establish collection points where people would deposit their old toothpaste tubes. There would be community vises to squeeze out the last little bits, which will be put in new tubes and distributed to people who can't afford toothpaste. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) 2 The winner of the bottle of genuine gold (flakes): To make sure 911 calls are processed correctly, institute a computerized screening service: "Welcome to 911. Please listen carefully, as some of our menu items have changed. If you have a murder in progress to report, press 1; for assault with a deadly weapon, press 2; for a fire covering more than 1,000 square feet, press 3. . . ." (Andrew Cook, McLean) 1 And the winner of the Inker Deliver a piece of dog poop in each bag along with The Post. That way, all those people won't have to wander the streets collecting their own.(Kevin Dopart, Washington) Honorable Mentions We should make every month 30 days long. That would make life so much simpler. Of course, we'd have to figure out how to slow down the Earth a bit so that each year is 360 days. Maybe rocket engines. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Increase the Points of Light to 2,000. (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.) Packages of cookies should have a hidden pouch, so if someone eats the last cookie there would still be one in the pouch. Then there could be packages with a hidden pouch and an extra-special hidden pouch, so if someone eats the last cookie and someone else eats the last cookie and the hidden-pouch cookie, there will still be a cookie in the extra-special hidden pouch. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Put serial numbers on socks so they are easier to match up. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Outfit all your employees with an electronic morale meter that delivers a shock if morale falls below a given chirpiness level. Smiling staff mean higher sales! (Martin Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.) Create a coin called the Soda. Its value will always be tied to that of a soda in vending machines, so no matter how much the price of soda increases, you can always buy one with this coin. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Build cars so that if they are moving and the turn signal is on, the car automatically turns that way after three minutes. (Douglas Frank) Pre-Maid Cleanup Service: They tidy up your house just enough so you're not embarrassed when the maid comes the next day. (Joel Ross, Herndon) Develop remote controls for ATMs so your money can be ready and the drawer open as you drive up. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Just have Windows boot directly to the blue screen. (Evan Golub, New Carrollton) Extend the science of bathroom "scrubbing bubbles" to toilet tissue. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Self-scratching Kenny G. albums. (Art Grinath) Why just fortune cookies? Why not fortune meat loaf! Fortune clam chowder! Fortune PB&J sandwiches! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Make all locks keyed alike so that if you can't find your keys, can simply ask to borrow one from anyone on the street. (Evan Golub; Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) In bags of frozen vegetables, put a little sticker on every pea and carrot to show the country of origin. (Thomas L. Schwarz, Burke) People who take more than four pennies from the take-a-penny cup should have one more super-glued to their foreheads. (Fil Feit, Annandale) There should be stronger glue on the back of Post-its so they don't practically fall off things all the time. (Russell Beland) We should make a deal with terrorist organizations that we'll never go to war against them and we'll leave their countries if they just agree to turn over all their suicide bombers to us. We'll let the suicide bombers blow up some old, condemned buildings. And they'll get their date with Allah -- because their deaths were keeping us infidels out of their countries. (Peter Metrinko) Make the spring and autumn time changes happen at noon so we don't have to get up in the middle of the night to adjust all our clocks. (Russell Beland) Can't we move Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday to some weekend in April? That'd create a nice three-day weekend to fill the gap between Presidents' Day and Memorial Day, and more people would go to the parades for King than in, sheesh, the middle of January. (Peter Metrinko) Citizens who pledge to support staying the course in Iraq will receive a button with the acronym WIN (Whip Iraq Now) in bright blue letters. (Cecil J. Clark) The Service Employees International Union should divide the $100,000 grand prize into 200,000 prizes of 50 cents each, thereby making many more everyday Americans feel good about themselves. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Anti-Invitational: Home heating costs so much, and we use so much energy on it, and the homeless sometimes freeze to death. So what we need is a simple way to warm the Earth up a few degrees. But how? (Russell Beland) In a special guest appearance, the Uncle of The Style Invitational weighs in with The Uncle's Pick: Equip every car with a razor-sharp spear protruding from the steering wheel toward the driver. Such a device would make every driver wish to avoid any sudden stop, and thus all drivers would be inclined to drive much less recklessly. (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria) The Uncle Says: What a thoughtful idea for everyone to drive gently in the New Year! The spear should be well padded, though, to ensure safety for all. And Last: You mean things aren't perfect the way they are? -- G.W.B., Washington (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Next Week: Whassa Motto Wid You, or Attack of the Killer Dumb Mottoes ====================================================================== WEEK 644, published January 8, 2006 Week 644: Winter Limp Picks Ice Derby: Full contact figure skating The lugie: Create frozen phlegm sculptures just by spitting In a little more than four weeks it'll be time again for the Semi-Worldwide Festival of Sports Featuring Bundled-Up Goggled People That Nobody Cares About Except Europeans, Plus Skating for the Ladies' Demographic. Alarmingly successful new Loser Kevin Dopart of Washington suggests we brighten up the Winter Olympics with some new events and rules, as in the examples he offers above. Alternatively, you can suggest a commercial or ad campaign that could be tied in with the Winter Games or one of its sports. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up this week gets a trophy, too, of sorts: It's a bobblehead ostensibly of Arnold Schwarzenegger but looking nothing like him, perhaps because this statuette is wearing a pink suit dress and matching pumps. The base is labeled "Governor Girlie Man." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 17. Include "Week 644" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report From Week 640, in which we asked for mottoes or slogans for any of the 50 United States or its little auxiliary things: When she announced this contest four weeks ago, the Empress expressed apprehension that it would yield too many entries expressing not much more than "This state is boring." Sure enough, it did yield lots of those, along with lots and lots and lots that were unoriginal (Missouri Loves Company) or just plain uninspired(especially from those would-be Losers who felt compelled to submit at least one motto for every last state). And some that were funny but were sent by everyone (e.g., West Virginia or Kentucky: We're One Big Family; Arkansas: A Division of Wal-Mart Stores Inc.). But a few stood out: 4 Alaska: Come for the Caribou, Stay for the Pork (Rob Poole, Ellicott City) 3 Hawaii: The Hub of the Mono-State Area (Russell Beland, Springfield) 2 The winner of the George W. Bush paper-doll-style magnet set: California: Silicon Valley, Silicone Hills (Jack Held, Fairfax) 1 And the winner of the Inker Kansas: Maybe YOU'VE Evolved (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) And a Gazetteer of Honorable Mentions California: If You Like This Motto, We've Also Got a Screenplay . . . (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) California: You Deserve a Quake Today (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Delaware: Toll Plaza 1 Mile (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Florida: You Can Turn Off Your Blinker Now (Rob Poole) Hawaii: We've Got a Word That Means Both "Tourist" and "Sucker," Too (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Hawaii: No, We Can't Explain Why We Have Interstate Highways Either (Russell Beland) Kansas: Getting the Monkey Off Our Background (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Kansas: The Black-and-White Part of the Movie (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Kansas: Way Under the Rainbow (Phil Frankenfeld; Larry Yungk, Arlington) Kentucky: We're West Virginia's West Virginia (Fil Feit, Annandale) Louisiana: Let the Good Times Sink (Ed Gordon, Ashburn) Louisiana: If You Lived Here, You'd Be Homeless by Now (Larry Yungk) Mississippi: That's M-I-Crooked Letter-Crooked Letter-I-Crooked Letter-Crooked Letter-I-Humpback . . . (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Nebraska: The Nation's Only Unicameral Legislature. Whoopee. (Douglas Frank) Nevada: What Happens Here Stays Here (Not Counting Any Subsequent Itching and Burning) (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) New Jersey: The Garden State -- Smell Our Plants! (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase) New York: Unless You Got 7 Million of Your Friends Around, I Suggest You Shut It (Douglas Frank) New York: We're More Than Rochester (Norman F. Wesley, Pittsburgh) Oregon Is for Goners (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Rhode Island: Spend a Few Minutes With Us (Marty McCullen) Rhode Island: Sharing a Puzzle Piece With Connecticut Since 1776 (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) South Carolina: Party Like It's 1861 (Rob Poole) South Dakota: Betcha We Have More Giant President Heads Than You Do (Russell Beland) South Dakota: North Dakota's Riviera (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, North Dakota) Texas: It's All in the Execution (Marty McCullen) Utah: Just a Notch Below Wyoming (Russell Beland) Utah: Bring the Wives and Kids (Steve Adise, Silver Spring) Vermont: Founded by Ira Allen, Ethan Allen's Brother (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Virginia: Yeah, Well, You Don't Have to Be a Louise to Live in Louisiana Either (Elwood Fitzner) Washington, D.C.: We've Never Elected a Crooked Senator (Kevin Dopart) And Last: Navassa Island: We Never Heard of Ourselves Either (Brendan Beary) [That may be because the territory of Navassa Island, a speck in the Caribbean that was claimed by the United States in 1857 for its guano, is uninhabited except for "transient Haitian fishermen and others," according to the CIA's Web site.] Next Week: Dreck of All Trades , or Twindustries ====================================================================== WEEK 645, published January 15, 2006 Week 645: A Hearty Har Har We ladies strained our tickers When we saw you in your knickers. Please be my only sweetie, Saddam Hussein Al-Tikriti. Some people -- even your evil-barbarian types -- could use a little love on Valentine's Day. This week, write up a Valentine's sentiment to any personage, or to someone in some generic category -- "to my plumber," for example. It doesn't have to rhyme, but don't write a book, please. The winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives one shiny metallic-silver leather Converse All-Star sneaker (left foot). It would go especially well with a dirty, worn-out black or white canvas Chuck on the right foot. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 23. Include "Week 645" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phil Frankenfeld of Washington. Report From Week 641, in which the Empress asked for the names of fictional establishments that offered two or more diverse products or services. Warning: This is one of those Look Out, Groaner Puns Below weeks. If you don't like groaner puns, please turn to the obituary page, where there shouldn't be more than two or three of them. Several people sent in examples of actual multi-tasking establishments: Bill Moulden of Frederick told of a paint store in West Virginia that also sold religious books called, he swears on a stack of religious books, Spray & Pray. And Chuck Sims of Chevy Chase sent in a photo of a store in Bethesda whose sign declares: "Welcome to US Center: Hair -- Nails -- Gifts -- Mortgages." (Special bonus contest: Tell us the best name or slogan for that store. Winner gets a Loser Pen and some wax lips.) 4 Petting zoo and bellsmith: A Ram, a Lamb, a Ding-Dong (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.) 3 Secondhand clothes and S&M paraphernalia: Schmattes/A Whip (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) 2 Winner of the CitiKitty cat toilet-trainer: Donuts and Jacuzzis: Beignet and the Jets (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) 1 And the winner of the Inker Cooking institute and journalism school: Baste On! A True Story (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Honorable Mentions A frozen-treat and mascara booth: Custards/Lash Stand (Russell Beland, Springfield) Anger management counselors and fertility clinic: Ovary Action: for holding your patience when your in-laws keep asking for grandchildren.(Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Optician/cleaners/shoe store: See, Spot, Run (Jennifer Lynch, Waco, Tex.) Fireplace accessories/VD clinic: The Burning Sensation (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Doors at a delousing center/oyster farm: Nit: 1; Pearl: 2 (Chris Doyle) Optometry and psychiatry clinic: Out of Sight, Out of Mind (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Yoga and Bible study classes: Stretch/The Truth (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Lawyer and jeweler: The Pre-Trial Earring (Brendan Beary) A Firestone dealer that also sells birthday candles: Just Blowouts (Russell Beland) Army recruitment office/hair salon: Cut the Mustered (Jane Auerbach) Laundromat that also sells exercise equipment, marital aids and acne cream: Washing/Tone/Wed/Skins (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Bathroom fixtures, upper level; shoe outlet downstairs: Heads Over Heels (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Art supply store and police station: Brushes With the Law: Sure, buddy, everybody complains how they were framed. (Brendan Beary) Singles bar and doughnut shop: A Toroid Affair (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Bar/hair salon: Quaff and Coif. (Andrea Balinson, New York) French ad agency/lingerie shop: L'Ads and l'Asses (Greg Arnold, Herndon) A bordello that sells philosophy books and natural medicines: Kant/Herbery/Tails (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Boating equipment and bath wear: Where the Rudder Meets the Robe (Chris Doyle) Concert hall and latte bar: Bach and Froth (Michelle Stupak) Southern Baptist church and Longaberger store: Hell & a Handbasket (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Florist and wireless phone service: Stem Cells (Brenda Ware Jones, Jackson, Miss.) A store that sells Harry Potter and Simpsons stuff: Rowling & D'oh (Russell Beland) Trash hauler and collection agency: Bin There, Dun That (Brendan Beary) Karate classes and footwear sales: Chop Shoey (Tim Tweddell, Berkeley Springs, W.Va.) An international emporium consisting of an Indian dress shop, Japanese theater and French hairstylist: Sari, Noh, Cannes Do. (Chris Doyle) Fishing tackle and S&M equipment: Ye Olde Bait & Switch Co. (Gail Mackiernan, Silver Spring; Lynn White, McLean) Rental agency/Chinese restaurant: Condo Lease or Rice (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Chiropractor/aviation instruction: Straighten Up & Fly Right (Douglas Frank) Internet cafe/gentlemen's club: Laptops Inc. (Herb Greene, Catonsville, Md.) A turkey farm and auto-detailing service: Gobble/Degook (Chris Doyle) BBQ stand and clock store: The Pit and the Pendulum (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Laundry/Jamaican restaurant: Clean and Jerk (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) CDs, diarrhea remedies and sex toys: Hits, Runs and Eros (Jack Held, Fairfax) Religious articles and costumes: Blessings and Disguise (Kevin Dopart) Obstetrician/bakery: Buns in the Oven (Marcy Alvo, Annandale) Bread, Bass and Beyond: Serving loaves, fishes and a prayer with every food order. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Massage therapist and urologist: Touch and Go (Michelle Stupak) Bookkeeper and roofer: Add 'Em and Eave (Chris Doyle) Chiropractor and corner bar: The Spinal Tap: One way or another, you'll be feeling no pain. (Brendan Beary) Pet groomer and barbershop: Cat/Man Do (Katherine Hooper, Jacksonville) Gym and menstrual supply store: Ab and Flow (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Flophouse with a CD writer: Crash and Burn (Russell Beland) An art gallery that offers classes in smoking control and yoga: Stop, Look and Lissome (Douglas Frank) Anesthesiology supplies and canoe rentals: Ether/Oar (Chris Doyle) Farmers' retirement home with a dental clinic: Ex-Tractors (Roy Ashley) Next Week: It's Open Season, or The Wizards of O-S ====================================================================== WEEK 646, published January 22, 2006 Week 646: Warped Perspectives Esteemed (adj., syn: employed as a charity case) Style Invitational cartoonist Bob "Robert" Staake offers these puzzling scribblings. What to make of them? Depends on who you are. This week: Tell us how two different types of people, animals, organizations, etc., would interpret any of these cartoons. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a prize that was actually awarded on Feb. 16, 2003, to Beverly Miller of Vermont: the Eggbutt Horseball, which is a ball that is a toy for a horse. (How the horse knows it's supposed to play ball, we don't know.) Anyway, Beverly had the misfortune of winning her contest under the Czar rather than the Empress, and so she never got her prize. Contacted recently, Beverly willingly offered it up again in exchange for a Loser Magnet and a $42,000 settlement. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 30. Include "Week 646" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 19. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Douglas Frank of Crosby, Tex. Report From Week 642, when the Empress asked for new, original words beginning with O, P, Q, R or S. As you'll see below, many of the entries turned out to be portmanteau words, or two words smushed together; or the old classic of an existing word changed by one letter. But there are also some that really matched the contest, like the first runner-up: They're words for concepts that cried out for a good word to describe them. Note: Many people sent in novel meanings for actual words (e.g., "Placid: A mild form of LSD," from Tom Witte of Montgomery Village). This was specifically forbidden in the rules. Because it is another contest. Save those entries for another time. 4 Scatalyst: Someone with the opposite of the Midas touch. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 3 Scienara: A rejection of reason and evidence. "The Kansas Board of Education said scienara to evolution." (Jonathan Guberman, Princeton, N.J.) 2 The winner of the dreidel-motif hospital scrub shirt: Postrophe: A punctuation mark used to indicate plurals and third-person verbs. "Using lot's of postrophe's make's writing very good." (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase) 1 And the Winner of the Inker Oxymorose: Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.(Stephen Dudzik, Olney) And a Dictionary of Honorable Mentions Occupotion: That afternoon coffee that gets you through the rest of the day. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Ogul: A bigshot in the porno biz. (Ed Gordon, Ashburn) Onanotechnology: The latest in inflatable dolls. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) O'nyms: Pseudo-Irish names given to American products, like O'Doul's Fake Beer. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Oopsnoxious: Said of someone who "accidentally" bumps into women at a bar. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) Oppository: What a Labor Party MP calls a Conservative. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Orgas: An unpleasant end to what was promising to be a beautiful experience. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) Orgee: A revel at which no one was particularly enthusiastic. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Orifuss: Monicagate. (Michelle Stupak) Ostentitious: Having Pamela Anderson-size implants. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Ovareasy: A very fertile woman. (Jonathan Guberman) Pachydermine: A fat lady in a fur coat. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Parsehole: One who constantly interrupts a friend to correct their grammar. Excuse me, his grammar. (Brendan Beary) Placcid: Soft and limp, but okay about it. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Qaqa: Assessment of the CIA's Arabic translations. (Kevin Dopart) Quipecac: Sick humor. (Tom Witte) Pastriarchy: The upper crust. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Perfidiot: Someone who's both a backstabber and a moron. (Brendan Beary) Presleyterians: They believe that God Is Love -- a hunka hunka burning love. (Brendan Beary) Prudendum: A flap that the city authorities made strippers wear over their G-strings. (John O'Byrne) Punchkins: The little circles you pop out of paper to put it in a binder. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) Pudjorative: A nasty comment about someone's weight. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) Rabbinicate: When a Jewish mother lectures. What, you thought she'd be pontificating? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Ragony: Menstrual cramps. (Tom Witte) Rectomb: A big soft cushion for parking your butt. (Stephen Dudzik) Remedius: The return of a driving salute. (Helen and Paul Stone, Silver Spring) Renebriant: The hair of the dog that bit you. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Rhettorical: Not giving a damn about how your speech went over. (Michelle Stupak) Rhinoblasty: A punch in the nose. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Ringoligarchy: An organization led by its least talented member. (Jonathan Guberman) Rototeller: Someone who enjoys dishing the dirt. (Peter Metrinko) Roueh: A Canadian playboy. (Tom Witte) Sabbratical: What a schoolteacher needs every now and then. (Tom Witte) Sanitarry: To spend too much time in the lavatory. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Sapphomore: A woman in her second lesbian relationship. (Kevin Dopart) Scheisster: A really bad lawyer. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) Sensylvania: The state that voters in Dover, Pa., finally came to. (John Johnston, St. Inigoes, Md.) Serendeputy: The only way Barney Fife ever managed to capture a criminal. (Brendan Beary) Shelf-gratification: Thumbing through the men's magazines at a newsstand. (Chris Doyle) Shoddenfreude: The perverse pleasure one gets at seeing someone break a heel of her $400 Manolos in a heating grate. (Chris Doyle) Snackrifice: The act of buying something you don't want in the vending machine because it's in front of the item you do want. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) Snideways: How one sneers at merlot-drinkers. (Tom Witte) Stirruptitiously: How a gal got out of trouble before Roe v. Wade. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Sudokuku: Addicted to filling in numbers in little grids. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Swain't: An ex-boyfriend. (Tom Witte) And Last: Opicuarous: Containing the letters called for in this contest. (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) Next Week: Post Mortems, or Ded Poetry Jam ====================================================================== WEEK 647, published January 29, 2006 Week 647: Paste Imperfect We newsroom denizens had a case of giggles -- the it-could-have-been-us giggles -- over a brief item in the Purdue University student newspaper that began by discussing Judge Samuel Alito and suddenly segued into: "His motive for shooting John Paul in the abdomen . . . remains unclear." Simultaneously, Eager Beaver Loser Kevin Dopart of Washington scratched at our door with this contest idea: Change a headline or sentence that appears in The Post or on washingtonpost.com through Feb. 6 either by deleting up to 40 consecutive characters from it or by adding up to 40 consecutive characters FROM THE SAME ARTICLE OR AD. Include the date and page number from the paper, or the date from the Web site. Show what words you are deleting and what words you're adding; brackets around the deletions and capital letters for the insertions would work. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a genuine 1958 edition, donated by Russell Beland of Springfield, of "Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette" -- and it does seem complete: The Empress just now was reviewing Chapter 41, "Dress and Duties of the Household Staff." (Oops, she seems to have provided the incorrect socks to the butler.) Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 6. Include "Week 647" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Report From Week 643, our annual contest seeking rhyming poems commemorating people who died last year. The Empress received a great variety of dead subjects, from the pope to Rosa Parks to the voice of Tony the Tiger. But a lot of Losers out there must be wearing tin earrings, because hundreds of entries displayed an astonishing failure to rhyme: Soldier/older. Dreck/regret. Krebs/dread. Lend a hand/Off the island. And this doesn't even count those with a geographical excuse, like Ross Elliffe of New Zealand, who offered "mourn the passin'/Of Johnny Carson." But there were still plenty of ink-worthy paeans (as well as the negative sentiments, which we'll call poopans); more honorable mentions can be found on the Style Invitational page at washingtonpost.com. 4 J.B. Stoner, convicted in planning the 1964 Birmingham church bombing: Refused to let the races mix, Now just a redneck in the Styx. This nasty fellow, no reformer, Occupies a place far warmer.(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) 3 Elmer Dresslar Jr., voice of the Jolly Green Giant His ho-ho-hos were said with ease; It's fitting that he rest in peas. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) 2 Winner of the DVD set from the Hong Kong government: Don Adams Though Maxwell Smart has passed away, His style lives on in the CIA. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) And the Winner of the Inker 1 Robert Hunter, founder of Greenpeace Bob Hunter has gone to his final repose; From cancer his health had been failing. His passing was marked by his friends and his foes, Respectively weeping and whaling. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Honorable Mentions Joseph Owades Light beer's inventor is no more; Come, ye who love good brew, And let your elegies to him, Be flat and tasteless too. (Brendan Beary) Richard Pryor As we all mourn the passing of ol' Richard Pryor, Let us hear what he once had to say: "When you run down the street and your head is on fire, Other people get out of your way." (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) Saint Peter said to Gabriel, "This place had been too quiet; I'm glad that Richard Pryor's come -- That guy's a bleepin' riot." (Brendan Beary) Publisher Henry Luce III: Henry Luce 3 made many a dime. He raked in a Fortune, but ran out of Time. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) John DeLorean This entrepreneurial wizard who often Surprised and dismayed us has died. Put doors, not a lid, on DeLorean's coffin That open just out to the side. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Perot running mate James Stockdale When Admiral Stockdale came to bask In Heaven's golden glare, I'm sure he had no need to ask What he was doing there. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) George Atkinson, who founded the first video rental store "He'll be reincarnated": That was the wish For which his sad relatives yearned. In fact, there's a charge of a buck and a half For each day that he isn't returned. (Brendan Beary) Three Variations on Johnnie Cochran If the coffin fits, you're in the obits. (Dan Seidman) If the body won't stir, you must inter. (Brendan Beary) If the breathing desists, he no longer exists. (Brian Barrett, New York) Terri Schiavo Bill Frist, he thought he could diagnose better, Making you wonder just who was brain-deader. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Johnny Carson Once upon a midnight's viewing, watching the late-nighters spewing Endless, tired, wretched and unfunny jokes about the news, As I channel-surfed the idjits, morons, bores and mental midgets, I realized I was suffering from the Lack-of-Johnny-Carson Blues. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Welcome to Heaven, now don't blow a gasket: Your exes have called -- they want half of your casket. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Shelby Foote For tales of Antietam You just couldn't beat him. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Anne Bancroft Onscreen she Worked a Miracle For each role she created. So here's to you, Mrs. Robinson, We're sad you Graduated. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) A famous cut without a paste: Rose Mary Woods has been erased. (Dan Seidman) Max Schmeling The Aryan myth was Maxing out, When he and Louis clashed, In two short minutes of their bout, Along with him it crashed. Who guessed he'd be a friend of Joe's And end up Schmeling like a rose? (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase) James Doohan Scotty was beamed up to Nebulax 4; His engine, it just couldn'a take anymore. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) "So you're Myron Floren of Lawrence Welk's show?" Said Saint Peter, Assigner of Fate. "I'll let you in Heaven as long as you stow Your accordion outside the gate." (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Ismail Merchant Cinema for grown-ups was this producer's oeuvre, Movies for an audience they tend to undersoeuvre. (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) Robert Moog NnnnOOOWWWW yyyoooouuuu'''rrrrrre ddddEEEEEaaadddddd. PITTI-pitti-pitti-pitti-pitti . . . (Jeff Brechlin) Prince Rainier of Monaco, Has gone, as even monarchs go. And long will mourn his loyal nation, For the lost tenth of its population. (Hannah Easley, Charlotte) Hunter S. Thompson just couldn't go on, so He picked up a gun. Now it's dead time for Gonzo. (Chris Doyle) Saul Bellow and Arthur Miller A single year has never claimed such literary pillars! What stock have we remaining of Saul Bellows? Arthur Millers? And Miller married Marilyn! and Bellow, 84, Became a father; holding out a hope forevermore To every brainy little boy named Goldberg or Shapiro Of turning out a sexual, not just artistic, hero. (David Smith) In September, Rehnquist went. (Not his Original Intent.) (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Goodbye, little buddy, your race it is run, We'll try not to get too morose. No man is an island, said poet John Donne, But brother, you came pretty close. Alas, it's all over; we blink back the tears, Though admit it: your life was too weird -- Like, how could you live on that island for years Without ever growing a beard? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Nebraska Sen. J. James Exon: J. J. Exon died last year, his fame was not quite global, But Cornhuskers all lament that Exon is not mobile. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Saint Pete said, " Johnnie Cochran? I seem to know that name; Come here and try this halo on ... Does it fit? Oh, what a shame." (Brendan Beary) Sixten Ehrling, conductor, Now resting in pine, Survived by his siblings, Named Seven, Eight, Nine. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) We were "neat and clean for Gene," And that war sure needed fixin', We crushed LBJ's machine, And we got -- what? -- Richard Nixon. (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase) Prince Rainier fashioned Monaco A grand and glorious place. He did it with finesse and style And, most important, Grace. (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) Richard Pryor, Even higher. (John C. Feltz, Fairborn, Ohio) Sociologist Leo Bogart: He died due to babesiosis, An illness transmitted by ticks. (At first I'd thought, "Wow, lucky Leo -- To die overdosing on chicks!") (Brendan Beary) Saul Bellow: Ah, Mr. Bellow, a writerly fellow, While alive you put on a good show. I do hate to tell, but you've now lost an "L," And as such you are lying Below. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Charles Rocket: Rocket said a word one night He really hadn't oughta said. On Saturday the F-bomb fell, By Sunday his career was dead. (John Conti) Who'd build a house for Frank Lloyd Wright? Cook Wolfgang Puck a mussel? For only he would dare recite A verse for Nipsey Russell. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Johnny Carson: "'Twas bad enough when you retired: You left the field to Jay and Dave. Then hopes of your return expired: Your latest move was very grave. We feel bereft, we feel abused, And late at night we're not amused. (Jack Held, Fairfax) W. Pauline Nicholson Was Elvis Presley's cook She didn't find fried PBBs In Julia Child's book. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Lucy Richardson, inspiration for a song: Picture yourself at the grave of a woman Whose name's in the song about marmaalade skies. Somebody calls her, an answer's unlikely, There's a penny on each of her eyes. Memorial flowers of yellow and green Telling us that she is deaaaad. Even the girl in the Lennon song dies, Yes, she's gone ... (Russell Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Winter Limp Picks, or Apres Moi, le Dull Luge ====================================================================== WEEK 648, published February 5, 2006 Week 648: Caller IDiot [to Kitchen Aid food processor customer service rep] "I have a complaint about your product. It processes food. But aren't processed foods supposed to be bad for you?" Not content with a half-page of puerility on Page 2 of the Style section each Sunday, many Invitational readers also wallow in the font of juvenilia known as Below the Beltway, Gene Weingarten's weekly column in The Washington Post Magazine. Every few weeks, when he's run out of anything to say, Gene calls some 1-800 consumer advice numbers advertised on product packages and harasses the poor PR workers with stupid questions. As you can see by the example above, Gene is getting pretty desperate here. Fortunately, he is reputed to be familiar with The Style Invitational, so you can help him out: Name a product or company and supply a stupid question to ask the consumer hotline person. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up wins a tapestry wall hanging, contributed by Loser Eric Murphy of Ann Arbor, Mich., depicting a pretty angel holding a candle and feeding (or possibly swatting at) some doves. What gives this fine artwork its Loserly dimension are the slots around the candle, the angel's halo and her swat-hand, into which you insert little Christmas lights (included!). Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 13. Include "Week 648" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart of Washington. This week's contest was suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield, whose name has been printed more than 950 times in The Washington Post, as opposed to Weingarten's 506 or so. Report From Week 644, in which we asked for some new events, product tie-ins, etc., to create some interest in the Winter Olympics, which you probably won't be watching starting this Friday. This week was one of those frustrating ones in which a lot of people offered pretty much the same ideas. If the one you sent is practically identical to one included below, you may file an appeal to the Empress; be sure to mail your petition inside a suitcase well lined with that special green Olympic packing material. 4 Punitive Luge: Each country binds one convicted murderer to a sled, has four men push him. The criminal who reaches the bottom fastest wins glory for his country. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) 3 All figure skaters have to perform their routines in those big Seven Dwarfs costumes. Because let's face it, in terms of future job prospects . . . (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 2 The winner of the bobblehead of Arnold Schwarzenegger in a dress: The Olympic caldron will be positioned below the ski jump. Look for height and distance records to be shattered this year. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) And the Winner of the Inker 1 Carnival biathlon: Each competitor starts with a handful of tokens, wagering at each shooting station for a chance for larger stuffed animals, which must be carried for the remainder of the course. Winner takes the gold medal and the big stuffed giraffe. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) Honorable Mentions New rules: To ensure security, the following will be banned or eliminated from Olympic venues: sharpened blades and poles, white powdery substances, airborne crystallized material, speeding vehicles and high-altitude staging areas. (Michael Gips, Bethesda) To improve their credibility and accuracy, all figure-skating judges must score each contestant using the Magic 8 Ball. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) The figure skaters must wear full pads and helmets, while the hockey players wear the frilly shirts and tight little pants. (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Brendan Beary). New events: Downhill limbo: Just like normal downhill skiing, but there's a 4-foot-high bar across the finish line. In the second round, the bar gets a little heavier, and a little lower. . . (Brendan Beary) Die-athlon: Two skiers follow parallel paths and stop to shoot at each other. No silver or bronze medals will be awarded. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Old biathlon: Skiing and shooting. New biathlon: Skiing and doing shots.(Bode Miller, La Dolce Vita, Italy) (Brendan Beary) The Athlon: All the excitement of the biathlon at half the cost. (Marc Naimark, Paris) Ice Brawling: Hockey with all the boring parts removed. (Seth Brown) Mouth-to-Mouth Speed-Skating Relay: Stick the metal baton to your tongue and go. The "handoffs" will be ethpethially exthiting. (Kevin Dopart) Extreme curling: This already exciting sport is taken to the nail-biting limit when the ice in the path of the slowly sliding rock is cleared by high-tech vacuum cleaners. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Blobsledding: The 275-pound weight class. (Douglas Frank; Bill Davis, Canton, Ga.) Global Warming Biathlon: Contestants start out skating, end up swimming. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Snow Calligraphy, sponsored by Bud Light: Contestants drink a pitcher of beer and spell their names. And since it's an international competition, names must appear in both Roman and Cyrillic alphabets, plus Japanese kanji. (Brendan Beary) Protest filing: A competition among coaches. Points awarded for Speed of Objection, Clarity of Protest and Degree of Hissy Fit. (Stephen Litterst, Ithaca, N.Y.) Slush funding: In a demonstration sport, Alaska's congressional delegation competes to see who can throw the most money at tiny, ice-bound villages. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Suburban pentathlon: The 50-meter driveway shovel, the windshield scrape, finding lost keys in deep snow, the car dig-out and the 100-meter ice walk in dress shoes. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.; Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Men's Piste-Off: Points awarded for size of the hole created in the snow, depth of the hole; and style points for an attractive color pattern around the edge. (Harvey Levy, Kibbutz Kalila, Israel) Ski-binding: Well-conditioned athletes in Lycra are bound with leather straps and then must struggle to free themselves. No actual competition involved, but traditionally one of the most watched events, especially the pairs category. (Peter Metrinko) Ads and sponsors: Team U.S. Curling Association: "Hey, ladies, come see a man with a broom in his hand!" (Andrew Hoenig) The U.S. Figure Skating Team, sponsored by Botox: "It takes more than ice to freeze a smile." (Kevin Dopart) The U.S. Luge Team: The two-man luge: It's rugged. It's intimate. And their pants couldn't be any tighter. Don't miss those wild rides down Brokeback Mountain! (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) The biathlon, brought to you by Fox News Network with host Bill O'Reilly: Fair and Balanced In-Your-Face Coverage of American-Bred, Rifle-Toting Marksmen Whipping the Elastic Girly Pants off Bands of Incestuous European U.N. Suckup Cowards. (Robin Grove, Woodbridge) Opening Ceremonies: Hillary Clinton carries the U.S. flag, having been dubbed our official Ice Maiden. Finalists follow, including Martha Stewart, Omarosa and Nancy Grace. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Opening Ceremony: Arrival of the Olympic Snowball, which started out from Athens as a 50,000-pound block of ice. (Martin Bancroft) Closing Ceremonies: All the athletes gather around the Olympic caldron and blow it out on the count of three. (Dave Prevar) Next Week: A Hearty Har-Har, or Love's Labored Losers ====================================================================== WEEK 649, published February 12, 2006 Week 649: Across the Wide What? Only weeks ago we reported on the struggle by New Jersey to come up with a suitable motto. Now we turn to the beleaguered legislature of Virginia, which wants a state song to replace the unfortunate "Carry Me Back to Old Virginny" and its lyrics about darkies and old massa. After many ill-fated attempts, the state Senate is turning to the folk song "Shenandoah," which has a gorgeous melody but just a weensy problem with the lyrics: The song does not mention Virginia and in fact is not about Virginia; it talks about "the wide Missouri," for Pete's sake. So: Give us some Virginia-appropriate lyrics for "Shenandoah." A whole verse is welcome but we will also accept a couple of lines. The original: "Oh, Shenandoah, I long to hear you/Away, you rolling river/Oh, Shenandoah, I long to hear you/Away, I'm bound away/Across the wide Missouri." (You can hear a nice version online at http://Songsforteaching.com .) And do keep in mind that this is a humor contest. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up wins not a Loser T-Shirt, but a plain white T-shirt bearing the word "better" preceded by a blank to fill in; it's some gym chain's promotion that the Empress found in the Post mailroom wastebasket. The shirt is compressed into an amazingly small rectangular solid and packed with a laundry marker so that you may fill in the blank with "Lose." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 20. Include "Week 649" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Peter Metrinko of Chantilly, yes, Va. The revised title for next week's contest is by John O'Byrne of Dublin. Report From Week 645, in which we sought valentines for any personage or to someone in a generic category. The Empress received more entries than usual this week in a foreign language: British. Her favorite line came in a valentine from Lydia M. Nicola of Grange Lodge, Bucks, to her garbage collector: "Your pong is like an elixir to me." We hope elixir pong, too. Okay, okay, we know, pong means stench. First: The results of our special contest to come up with a name for the store in Bethesda whose sign advertised "Hair -- Nails -- Gifts -- Mortgages": The Loser Pen and wax lips go to Kevin Dopart of Washington, who offered two good ideas: the perfectly fitting but arcane Maslow's Hierarchy Center (it won't kill you to look it up) and the, uh, higher-concept Mistresses R Us. 4 Tho' it may not endure till the 24th hour, Its petals explode, its stem lose all power, Tho' it may be shot through by a blazing SIG Sauer, I send you this big fat red flower, Jack Bauer.(Sharyn Kilderry, Washington) 3 Slinkity, binkity, Eva Longoria, Oh, how I pine as you Play hard to get. Why does my ardor meet Non-reciprocity? I guess you aren't that "Desperate" yet. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 2 The winner of the single silvery satin Converse All-Star high-top sneaker: To my favorite lobbyist: Remember that cash in the sack? I regret that I must give it back. If they ask about me While you're copping your plea, Be nice: Tell 'em I don't know Jack. (Nick Curtis, Gaithersburg) And the Winner of the Inker 1 As you chew on the bamboo and yawn In the sun on your makeshift veranda, Here's my Valentine wish, dear Tai Shan: May you never be moo goo gai panda. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Honorable Mentions Mr. Ahmadinejad, is that a nuclear rod Or are you just happy to see me? Please don't be so coy, my Persian pinup boy, I'll show you a time nice and steamy. I'm your new biggest fan, O leader of Iran, You fantasy life is so crude. So don't be a snob. Let me doff this hijab And I'll put you in the Mahmoud. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio) Marlon, my heart still goes a-flutter Whenever I'm asked to pass the butter. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) You listen to my private thoughts I hope they do not trouble you. And though you really bug me, My love's no secret, W. (Joseph Romm, Washington) To Bill Gates: If each terrorist, schemer, nogoodnik and Hun United their forces and acted as one There's no way on earth we could resist 'em. But thanks to you, Bill, there'll be no attack Their brains are preoccupied, striving to hack Your Windows Operating System. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Dear Dear Dear Dear Philip Dear Philip Dear Philip Philip Glass Be Philip Be Philip Philip Glass Mine Philip Mine Philip Philip Be Mine Philip Philip Dear Philip Glass Philip Dear. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) To Paris Hilton: If you can't be mine in reality, At least you're mine on DVD. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Unbidden, my devotion Spews skyward like a geyser Whene'er my awestruck peepers spy Your Page 1 pic, Kornheiser. (Kathy Boyce, Herndon) To Israel's acting foreign minister: My dear Tzipi Livni, I get a sensation From your appellation that blows me away. Oh, say you'll be mine and I'll sing with elation Both "Tzipi di-doo-dah" and "Tzipi di-ay." (Brendan Beary) Master P, all the homies and cronies Think it's wack that you fox-trot with phonies. But your dancin' is hot, And it's takin' a lot Of that ballroom to hold your co . . . urage. (Chris Doyle) When by Bush you were courted, The right wing aborted His judicial desires, Dear Harriet Miers. Though you won't be Number 9, Will you be my valentine? (Beryl Benderly, Washington) The name that I Google Brings Valentine kisses. I blow my own bugle. I love me -- Narcissus (Chris Doyle) To Judit Polgar: You're queen of world chess, I'm rookie unseen, But valentine, I hope this R(ie)xQ. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) At the sound of your name How my beating heart clenches. Oh dearest Don Rumsfeld, I want YOU in the trenches. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) It's your bare, burly chest And your brown, curly hair, How you say, "Only you -- " Oh, be mine, Smokey Bear. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Oh, lovely Catherine Zeta-Jones, You make me tingle in my bones. Fancy a cwtch with me tomorrow, Or must I wear the Mask of Sorrow? (Ed Edwards) [Ed explains that a cwtch is a Welsh word meaning, among other things, a cuddle. By the way, it is pronounced "cwtch."] To my Costco cashier: If you would be my one true guy I'd stand in line for days and days. Since without you I can't buy My 15-gallon mayonnaise. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) To my dental hygienist: I know there's a line that I'm crossing, But please, would you pause in your flossing And consider (I hope it's not scary) My plea that you be my Tooth Fairy. Then each morning I'll wake with a thrill -- oh! To find you right under my pillow. (Paul Cloutman, London) These many years you've been my masseuse You make me feel good, my muscles are loose. But you know what I'd like on this Valentine's Day? Couldn't you rub me, you know, "the wrong way"? (Marleen May, Rockville) To a veterinarian: From three little stray cats, each with a uterus: Happy Valentine's Day -- please will you neuter us? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) To my wife: Though I now shop at Costco for your birthday candles. You're more fun to hold now, with your love(ly) handles. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Next Week: Warped Perspectives, or Take Your Pic ====================================================================== WEEK 650, published February 19, 2006 Week 650: King Us Double-A. . . . What if batteries are angry about being thrown away? What if a supernatural demonic being from another dimension gave the batteries the power of revenge? Remember, they're full of deadly acid. This week's contest comes to us through a string of big-deal writers: BDW No. 1, Stephen King, has just come out with a horror novel, his 967th: It's called "Cell" and is about, what else, murderous cell phones. BDW No. 2, Gregg Easterbrook, author, columnist, Brookings Institution fellow, general uomo universale, mentioned King's book in the middle of his (go figure) online football column, Tuesday Morning Quarterback. Then he came up with several devilishly clever scenarios for Stephen King novels featuring everyday items, as in his own example above. Loser Andrew Hoenig of Rockville (well, to us he's a BD) told the Empress about it. So now it's your turn: Give us a scenario for a horror novel based on an everyday item. Maximum 75 words but it can be much shorter. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a tube of Boudreaux's Butt Paste and a Butt Paste bobblehead, smuggled out of Louisiana pre-Katrina by Loser Deborah Guy of Columbus, Ohio. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 27. Include "Week 650" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 19. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report From Week 646, in which we asked how two different people or groups would interpret any of these cartoons A lot of Losers evidently interpreted all of them as an impossibility; even the original suggester of this contest, the Invitationally pathological Russell Beland, sent a grand total of seven entries (one submitted jointly with his kid), a bit shy of his Invitational weekly record of 487. But enough of you were able to extract meaning from utter nonsense; your seminar in Deconstructive Literary Analysis of "Good Morning Starshine" starts Monday. 4 A woman would say that the guy is calling for a woman to clean up his mess. A man would say that this dork doesn't seem to know about the five-second rule about dropped food. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 3 To a human, it's bad luck. To a dog, it's effective use of psychokinesis. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) 2 the winner of the Eggbutt Horseball: The average clergyman says: "Every life has some disappointments." Pat Robertson says: "Look, Vermont was the first state to offer civil unions. Ben & Jerry's is from Vermont. Just connect the dots here, and I think you know what I'm saying: God will not be mocked." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the Winner of the Inker 1 This reminds King Kong: "Next time, swat at the planes with the hand without the girl in it." This reminds Fay Wray and Naomi Watts: "Always wear clean underwear -- you never know when half of Manhattan will be looking up your skirt." (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Honorable Mentions Cartoon A To a union organizer, this is a man to be for. To a sex-change surgeon, this is Amanda, Before. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) To a business major: A summer job that not only provides some money but also gives real-life experience that looks good on a résumé. To a philosophy major: A career. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) To the Office of the Surgeon General: The three most common threats to life expectancy: genetic (obesity), environmental (carcinogenic chemicals from smoking) and accidental (unsafe workplace). To the Social Security Administration: Our master plan. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) To a boss, this guy is going to be fired for smoking on the job and trying to destroy the evidence in the oven. To a shrink, he's orally fixated, as evidenced by his obvious overeating and his need to always have something in his mouth, a result of his being breast-fed by his mother until he was 15. (Bill Moulden, Frederick) Unions see a food-service worker, with no safety equipment, exposed to a dangerous oven. Right-to-work advocates see clear evidence that even minimum-wage workers aren't missing meals. (Adam and Russell Beland, Springfield) Cartoon B An AARP executive sees a senior frustrated by the new Medicare prescription rules. A pharmaceutical executive sees an ED patient whose Canadian-filled prescription increased blood flow to his foot. (Wilson Varga, Alexandria) To a man: "She's always losing the key to the safe-deposit box." To a woman: "Even my mother's ashes he doesn't treat nice." (John O'Byrne, Dublin) USA Today: "We're Loving Step Aerobics." Weekly World News: "Alien Tortures Al Gore Clone!" The New York Times: "Deconstructing Putin's Khrushchev-Style Diplomacy." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A kid would say: "Look, a crazy old coot in his underwear." An AARP member would say: "In our day, we didn't have those fancy Hacky Sacks, we just had a brick, and we just pushed it along the floor with our feet. And we were happy to have that! Now you danged hooligans get off my lawn!" (Brendan Beary) To a morning person: Someone getting up bright and early to shine his shoes. To an evening person: Someone destroying once and for all the evil that is the Radio Alarm Clock. (Art Grinath) Producers for "Nova" say: "If we're doing a show on mental illness among the elderly, be sure to preserve the guy's dignity." Producers for David Letterman say: "Brick-kicking isn't much by itself, but we might still get you on Stupid Human Tricks if you could, say, knock the ice cream cone out of that Picture D guy's hand." (Brendan Beary) To a grade-school art teacher, this cartoon lacks proper perspective, dimension and proportion. To the correspondence course that advertises in the back of Popular Mechanics, this shows that Bob Staake, too, could one day be a professional artist! (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.) Cartoon C To a middle manager, this shows you can't get away from the office. To a TV watcher, this shows you can't get away from Carrot Top. (Jay Shuck) A man: "She's always late because she won't get off the freakin' phone." A woman: "He never waits for me." (John O'Byrne) Tobacco lobbyist: "Guess what? They have a smoking section again!" Telemarketer: "Use your long- distance calling plan for instantly redeemable frequent-flier miles!" (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) A doctor sees a dislocated shoulder, altitude sickness and frostbite. A lawyer sees big bucks over a phone that should have been labeled "Do Not Use While Wing-Walking." (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Cartoon D A Republican sees a Democrat who's just let one more sweet opportunity slip out of his hands. A reporter sees a congressman who's just been told that Jack Abramoff bought him that ice cream cone. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park; Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) To viewers of "The Jack Benny Show": Just another of life's comic indignities. To viewers of "CSI": Madonna's been buried in a shallow grave! (Elwood Fitzner) To Dorothy, it is a painful reminder of the litigation filed after she threw water on the Wicked Witch; to the Witch Witch, it's proof that she should have put her money into waterproof fabrics instead of high-priced attorneys. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) All the cartoons To Pat Robertson, all the cartoons show God punishing liberal Americans for their sins. To George W. Bush, all the cartoons show convincing evidence of the need to continue occupying Iraq. ( Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) Next Week: Paste Imperfect , or Let's Make a Dele ====================================================================== WEEK 651, published February 26, 2006 Week 651: Show Us Some Character Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The eighth dwarf, Sleazy, plants cameras in the drugged White's room with plans to sell video of Charming's kiss. The example from inveterate contest-suggester Russell Beland of Springfield says it all: Add a character to a book or movie and tell us what happens in it. You can supply a title if you like, and casting suggestions are welcome. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives the children's book "The Adventures of Peter Pangler Puncker 'Discovering the Pumping Heart,' " by Walter A. Krymski, who according to the book is an adult. This blessedly thin work is written entirely in rhyming couplets, if by rhyming couplets you count "Peter Pangler Puncker wondered if cars have hearts like humans./He said to himself, 'Ooh, I'm being silly, these cars are soon to be ruins.' " Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 6. Include "Week 651" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Note: Five-time Loser Stephen Litterst of Ithaca, N.Y., complained to the Empress that "Honorable Mentions" is a far too polite term to categorize Losing ink. What would be a better name? E-mail suggestions with the subject line "Week 651: Honorable Mentions." The winner, if there is one, gets something dishonorable to be announced later. Report From Week 647, in which you were asked to either delete text from a sentence in that week's Post for humorous effect, or insert text from elswhere in the same article or ad. Some people sent entries in which they did both; the Empress was going to toss these imperiously, as is her wont, but then decided to run a few anyway, especially at the ends of sentences. As is also her wont. Deletions are in brackets; insertions from another point in the article or ad are in italics. 4 Publish a LoveNote in The Washington Post on Tuesday, February 14, and let them know you're [thin]king of them. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) 3 The morning after his debut as leading man, Gore pronounces this whole Sundance thing as his baby, and he felt proprietary about it. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) 2 The winner of the 1958 edition of "Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette": Joint Chiefs Fire [at Toles Cartoon] on Strained Army (John Doucette, New York) And the Winner of the Inker 1 "March of the Penguins" was joined by "Darwin's Nightmare" [about environmental collapse; "Murderball,"] a Sundance Film Festival favorite last year about quadriplegic rugby players . . . (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Honorable Mentions (for now) University of D.C. Raises Tuition, Stud[ent] Fees (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Live in CT, NJ and NY. Void in one of Loudoun County's Finest Communities! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Someone doctored Sen. Robert C. Byrd's (D-W.Va.) profile on the site to list his age as 180 (He is 1 88.) (Russell Beland, Springfield) No one may be more loyal to President Bush than his press secretary, Scott "Baby Boy" McClellan. (Fil Feit, Annandale) Residents are accustomed to big booms and bad busts next door to the Lusty Lady. ( Deborah Guy, Columbus) Voters are serious about wanting to make sure that their legislators show up waving money in their faces. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Andrea Bocelli's new CD "Amore" constitutes fraud. Cash value .01c.(Brendan Beary) Scratch That: An Examination of Sexual Strategies used by Urban Southern and Rural Midwestern University Women (Kevin Dopart) "We were basically meeting a student demand," said Garry Cestaro, program director of the new phone sex minor. (Russell Beland) Group Offers $300,000 For Preschool Education of the Fairfax County Chamber of Commerce (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.) "I have to do something -- wiggle -- to make Hasselbeck feel not so comfortable in the pocket," Porter said. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) All of which can mean only one thing: It is time for the Democrats to eat their own liberal activists including Cindy Sheehan. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) In a heavy pot over medium heat, melt 4 tablespoons of the [butter. Add the onion and] cook until it is translucent but not brown, about 15 minutes. (Brendan Beary) Republican leaders said passage was a critical step toward containing the runaway growth of the poor and the disabled. (Peter Metrinko) As you make a tricky 2-rail shot it hits you -- This is no ordinary condom[inium]. (Kevin Dopart) James Bassil, Editor-in-Chief of AskMen.com, Tops Among Guys, AskMen.com Reports (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Don't try to oil [it] yourself -- chances are you won't use the right kind, and even sprayed-on oil will cause belts to slip. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) In his State of the Union speech last night, President Bush single-handedly revived the spirit of special interests that have seized control of the political process. (Roy Ashley, Washington) No [Bank Offers You] More Convenience (Brendan Beary) D.C. Chief Financial Officer Natwar M. Gandhi said yesterday that Mayor Anthony A . "Cost Overrun" Williams has agreed to alter a new baseball stadium lease agreement . . . (Russell Beland) There's a lot of room down there, and there seems to be enough room for the President's Cup. (Peter Metrinko) State Department Responds After U.S. Naval Attache Adolf Hitler Is Ordered Out of Caracas (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) Friedan pushed for equal pay, sex-neutral help-wanted ads, maternity leave, child-care centers for working parents, legal abortion, congestive heart failure and many other topics considered radical in the 1960s and 1970s. (Russell Beland) The hurricane scattered chops, cabbage, neck bones, turnips and New Orleans jazz musicians across the country; two-thirds have still not returned. (Brendan Beary) What's it like watching a game at the Playboy Mansion? You're screwed for the rest of the game. (Kevin Dopart) Once, he hauled a portable toilet into the county board's chambers to illustrate -- but only so far -- a point about sewage treatment. (Brendan Beary) NASA's Inspector General Probed by Cobb (Cecil J. Clark) Rice Rules [Out Aiding] Hamas Government (Louis B. Raffel, Northbrook, Ill.) Eighty-two-year-old Abe Pollin just plain stunk up the gym. (Peter Metrinko) Eager beaver Loser Kevin Dopart, Russell Beland, employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Next Week: Caller IDiot, or Hotline and Sinker ====================================================================== WEEK 652, published March 5, 2006 Week 652: Ask Backward 17 percentage points Fruit of the Lame The things that you're liable to read in the Bible Absolutely not in a Metro car Bruce Springstein-Goldfarb The California Raisinets Definitely Not Control-Top Pantyhose Angelina Jolie's pinkie Rock-Paper- Scissors for Dummies Brown v. Board of Zoning Appeals, Gaithersburg Pyramus and Frisbee Maxwell's Alabastrite? Ball Peen Hammer Once again, you are on "Jeopardy!" Above are the answers. You supply the questions to as many as you like. Fortunately, you don't have to tell the Empress some allegedly amusing fact about yourself, as you would have to tell Alex Trebek. Just as fortunately, the Empress does not have to give you thousands of dollars for losing. She will, however, give you the following for Losing: Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets the excellent volume "You Have Head Lice!," an easy-reader book with lots of good photos, donated by Brendan Beary of Great Mills, who wonders what the exclamation point is supposed to signify. Perhaps the first word of the title should be "Congratulations." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 13. Include "Week 652" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 2. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest was sent in by both Steve Langer of Chevy Chase and Tom Witte of Montgomery Village, and maybe some others. Report from Week 648, in which we asked for silly questions to ask the poor people who man the phone lines for consumer product information, an activity pursued regularly by Washington Post Magazine metaphysics columnist Gene Weingarten. And in an honor granted previously only to phenomenally amusing former Post columnist Bob Levey, Gene himself was permitted to choose this week's winner and Losers from among a list of 74 finalists. 4 To Pampers: "It says 'for up to 25 pounds.' Isn't that . . . kind of a lot of poop?" (Brenda Ware Jones, Jackson, Miss.; Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) 3 To Blue Cross: "After a night of heavy drinking, I woke up to find an image of Muhammad tattooed on my chest. Do you think you might cover tattoo removal in this one case? It might be a pretty big health issue for me if I don't do something." (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) 2 The winner of the wall hanging of an angel with Christmas lights on her head: To The Washington Post: "I'm wondering about your name. I mean, you don't really deliver the paper by mail anymore. Wouldn't it be more accurate to call yourselves The Washington Guy Driving a Minivan?"(Russell Beland, Springfield) And the Winner of the Inker 1 To Unilever Corp.: "Why do your Dove Bars taste like soap?" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Honorable Mentions Depends: "Do you have a similar product, but one that is maybe more like For Sure?" (Russell Beland) Maytag: "Hey, since you've got these repair guys sitting around doing nothing, could you send one over to my house to fix my Amana?" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Quikrete: "You know, youse guys ever thought of putting a chart on the bag to say how much concrete you need to sink a 200-pound, um, object? And youse could package it with a special extra large bucket, 'cause some people got big feet to go along with their big mouths, ya know what I'm sayin'?" (Brendan Beary) Morton's Kosher Salt: "Is it okay to put this on ham?" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Lockheed Martin: "Yes, I'm calling about your F-22 advanced air superiority Raptor fighter. I see here that they are going to sell for about $200 million each, and I'm just wondering if you have special financing plans, or maybe a manufacturer's rebate?" (Russell Beland) Head & Shoulders: "My hair looks great, but I don't think my shoulders look any better at all. Am I doing something wrong?" (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Lysol: "Your label says your product kills 99.9 percent of germs in 30 seconds -- but what about that 0.1 percent? Isn't that tough little booger the one I should really be worried about? What do I use to kill HIM?" (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Northwest Airlines: "I know you guys fly from Miami to Chicago, 'cause that's northwest. But how am I going to get back? Do I need to make a reservation on Southwest? But then how do I get east?" (Jeff Brechlin) Alpha-Bits: "Every box of your cereal has some squiggly pieces that don't look like any recognizable letter. Are you trying to sneak Arabic letters in, thereby aiding and abetting terrorists within our borders by providing them a healthy balanced breakfast?" (Brendan Beary) Meow Mix: "My kitten seems to like your product, but when I try to make her ask for it by name, like you say, she doesn't get the 'Mix' part at all. Should I try another brand?" (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Pez: "Please help! Something appears to be lodged in his throat!" (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Riverside Press: "About your big book with the Shakespeare plays? Well, in that 'Julius Caesar' one, some guy says, "The clock struck three," and that's stupid because they didn't have striking clocks back then. And so I was wondering if you could fix that." (Ken Rosenau, Washington) Scope: "I have a recipe that calls for creme de menthe, but I'm all out and was wondering what the equivalent amount of Scope would be." (Art Grinath) Audubon Society : "Hi, we get mourning doves at our bird feeder, and I was wondering if you had any good recipes. My husband likes spicy dishes, if that helps. Thanks!" (Jeff Brechlin) Bayer: "I am taking your One-A-Day 50 Plus multivitamins, and I notice that they are 'high potency.' Should I not take them at breakfast, then? Because I don't know how potent I want to be at the office, especially now that I have that hot new boss." (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Virgin Atlantic: "I'm flying to London for a band trip, but last night I went to third base with my boyfriend, but that's still a virgin, right? I can still use my ticket?" (Jeff Brechlin) 9Lives: "My cat just died. If I stuffed a little of your product into his mouth, do you think it would help?" (Roger Dalrymple) Flintstones Chewable Vitamins: "The label says 'Keep out of reach of children.' So do I need to stuff them down my kid's throat while his hands are tied? Or do I have to shoot him with some sort of vitamin gun?" (Jay Shuck) Miracle Whip: "On your label it gives a recipe for making a turkey sandwich: Spread bread with dressing; top with lettuce, tomatoes and turkey, cover with remaining bread slice. I wonder if you have a more detailed set of directions." (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Deer Park water: "You know, our bodies are about 60 percent water. Can you guarantee that none of your water has ever been part of people? Otherwise, isn't your product pretty much cannibalism?" (Brendan Beary) New York Yankees: "Is 'Yankees' short for 'Yankees suck'?" (John Kupiec, Fairfax) General Motors: "I overheard my daughter tell her boyfriend that she was going to give him a Hummer, and I'm trying to find out how much this is going to set her back." (Jeff Brechlin) Honda: "Yes, I'm thinking of buying an Odyssey. Since it's named after a 20-year voyage of horrifying deprivation and a near total loss of life, is that what I can expect? 'Cause my wife, Penelope, she swears a minivan can't possibly last 20 years." (Russell Beland) Hertz: "You used to have those really cute ads with the football player running through the airport jumping over suitcases? How come you stopped running those? Whatever happened to that guy?" (Ken Rosenau) Dell: "Are your computers Y2K-compatible?" (Jonathan Markoff, Vienna) Next Week: Across the Wide What? or Shenand'oh! ====================================================================== WEEK 653, published March 12, 2006 Week 653: It's the Eponymy, Stupid Whittingtune, n., v.: A victim's apology for being the source of distress to the victimizer. "My family and I are deeply sorry for all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through this past week," he Whittingtuned upon leaving the hospital. We're delving way, way back into the Invitational Archives to repeat -- and, we hope, update -- the eponym contest from Week 27: Coin a word or expression based on the name of a well-known person, define it, and perhaps use it in a sentence. Note: Receiving three blots of ink on Sept. 26, 1993, including first runner-up, was Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, who had already achieved such a degree of Invitational fame that two eponymous terms were printed about him (Chucksmith: a collector of T-shirts; Chuck: the Loser T-shirt itself: "The Chuck's in the mail"). Now that he is spattered with 712 blots, we invite him to Chuck us a few more. You, too, of course. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a Flying Spaghetti Monster car plaque, donated by Kevin Dopart of Washington, which would look very cool stuck to someone's trunk right next to a few Loser Magnets. (The plaque would, that is; not Kevin or Washington.) Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 20. Include "Week 653" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 9. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. Report From Week 649, in which we asked for lyrics set to the folk song "Shenandoah" that were actually relevant to Virginia, which recently began using it as the state song. Somehow we don't think the state legislature will start singing along with these, but we did find an out-of-state ringer: Aspiring Loser David Schildkret just happen s to run the choral program at the appropriately far-from-Virginia Arizona State University, and he agreed to coerce his talented Concert Choir to sing several of this week's entries in absolute deadpan solemnity. You can hear them at www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational . (Meanwhile, David has conveniently left the country.) 3 O Shenandoah, I found religion In the land of Pat and Jerry. No hurricanes will thunder near me. I pray. They blow away And head toward Venezuela.(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 2 The winner of the squished promotional T-shirt you can write "Lose" on: Oh, Charlottesville, admit my daughter. I can't pay for Yale or Princeton. Oh, Charlottesville, please give my daughter The cachet of U-V-A: I need in-state tuition. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) 1 And the winner of the Inker Oh, Monticello, we long to hear who Looked away from hanky-panky Oh Monticello, what's wrong, we fear you Looked away. We've found today A source hereditary. A white man loved a dark-skinned maiden (Look away from hanky-panky). His notions with taboo were laden. Away, he was bound to stray, When Tom espied Miss Hemings. For seven years he courted Sally (Look away from hanky-panky). Seven more years they'd often dally, In the hay, we found, they lay, Tom and his own Miss Hemings. Farewell to Tom, He's bound to leave us, But evidence will not deceive us: DNA was found today: To Tom is tied Miss Hemings. (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii, formerly of Fairfax County) Honorable Mentions The Virgin Queen, that's who you're named for. But now you're called the state for lovers, And birthplace of our country's father? Confused, I'm so confused! But it's okay, the fleet's in. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Our commonwealth's most famous foodstuff, Smithfield ham, it's sent from Heaven, And we never have to share it With heathen infidels: It's just for us good Christians. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) O Shenandoah, I long to see you And drive the Skyline highway. But whatchanoah, I'm stuck in traffic. I'll wait, I'm bound to wait Behind a white Mercedes. (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase) I cannot find a Jewish deli. Oy vey! I need pastrami. And Dr. Brown's to fill my belly. Oy vey! Oy vey iss mir! I'm just a good ol' boychik. (Barbara Sarshik and Andy Pike, McLean) Eight presidents came from Virginia! Sure, we rub it in a little, Since Maryland has not had any. Although we're sure you're proud Of Mister Spiro Agnew. (Brendan Beary) I'm stuck out here, out in Manassas. Traffic's thick as day-old phlegm. We're moving just like cold molasses. Oh gee, how can this be When it's 3 a.m.? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Please don't confuse us fine Virginians With our less enlightened neighbors Like hillbillies in West Virginia, Or worse -- oh yes, much worse -- Those liberals in Maryland. (Steve Ettinger) Oh protozoa, you're so much smarter Than Virginia's politicians. But they're peerless at dividing. Divisiveness: It's one of our Dear commonwealth's traditions. (Peter Metrinko) Potomac, you're our muddy river Full of carp and yuppie kayaks, Old tires and cans, and scraps of liver, And hey, I hate to say, That stuff's our drinking water. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn., formerly of Loudoun County) Oh Shenandoah, you're filled with feces. But oh, boy, we like our chicken. Your fish are all endangered species. Oh why not buy our eggs From someplace like Missouri? (Michael Fransella, Arlington) Next Week: King Us, or Deader Homes & Gardens ====================================================================== WEEK 654, published March 19, 2006 Week 654: It Plays to Recycle A burned-out fluorescent tube makes a great Star Wars light saber -- for a while, anyway. George Bush could reuse Will Rogers's saying "If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" Don't toss that heroin syringe -- share it with a friend. In honor of Earth Day, which comes during the week when the results of this contest run, won't-go-away Loser Kevin Dopart of Washington suggests a wide-ranging recycling contest: Come up with funny ways to recycle things, people, writing (except for your old Invitational entries; not this week) or ideas, as in the examples at left. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a really stupid card game called Are You Phrazy?, in which the players read passe-slang phrases ("Cowabunga," "Can you dig it?") from the cards and try to string them into a conversation. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt, possibly in the previous style, since we just discovered a huge pile of old red and blue ones when we moved our office. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 27. Include "Week 654" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 16. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Fil Feit of Annandale. Report From Week 650, in which we asked for horror-story scenarios involving everyday items, a la Stephen King's "Cell." The horror-story title of the week goes to Martyna Fox of Darnestown for "Bram Stoker's Spatula," though we didn't quite flip over the story itself hahahaha. The Empress enjoyed the scary tales submitted by a classful of Florida kids; however, demonic possession of their fingers forced most of them to overshoot the 75-word limit by up to 400 words. 4 Blade of the Beast: The year is 2999. Omens of the impending apocalypse are seen in the land. Meanwhile, frustrated by sluggish sales of their 665-bladed razor, executives at SchickGillette make a fateful decision . . . (Michael Fransella, Arlington) 3 The Blue Screen of Death: It really is. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) 2 The winner of the Boudreaux's Butt Paste and the Butt Paste bobblehead: An elderly uncle brings the family a music box that plays a sweet little tune when the lid is opened. But the family soon discovers that the song never stops playing, even when the lid is shut. They try smothering the music box, smashing it and shooting it with a gun, but to no avail. The sound drives the entire family mad. Also, the uncle kills and eats everyone . (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) And the Winner of the Inker 1 You can't blame the toilets. People flush baby alligators when they get too big to be pets. And people flush drugs when the cops are at the door. So it's not the toilets' fault that drug-crazed alligators are popping out of them. We did it to ourselves. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions We're just his prop: "How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?" "How many Texans?" "How many lawyers?" He's got a million of 'em, all lame. So let's just -- POP! -- blow this 100-watt baby and see: How many pathetic nimrods does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: FZZZT!! At least one more than you, Shecky. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Nature Abhors a Vacuum: A Park Avenue couple is increasingly annoyed as, one after another, each new maid they hire disappears on her first day, shortly after starting the housework. (Marjorie Streeter, Reston) Horra! Horra! Horra! A beam of radiation hits the only Japanese restaurant in Wyoming, somehow giving chopsticks the power to turn those who eat with them into homicidal maniacs. Fortunately, no one in Wyoming knows how to use chopsticks, so the crisis passes unnoticed. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) The Botox Syndrome: Its victims are unable to show their pain. (Russell Beland) Hurly-Burly : They're tired of standing in as note paper. Fed up with being stuffed with dirty tissues. Angry at being demeaned as the place to stash the remnants of that greasy cheeseburger. The Barf Bags plot a flight where their proper use will be not just obvious to all on board, but mandatory, again and again and again . . . (Deb Parrish, Fairfax Station) A monstrous fiend creates a glasslike device that reflects the actual images of those who look at it, causing universal self-hatred. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Possessed printer's ink develops powers to rearrange letters in a line of type. The vice president is now known as "Needy Chick" -- as reported in the Saw Things on Pot. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) The town is invaded by flesh-eating zombies invisible to the naked eye. Fortunately, they can be seen and avoided by anyone wearing his own eyeglasses saved from the 1970s. Most residents prefer death, of course.(Jay Shuck) Sweet Revenge: A disgruntled Splenda employee substitutes another white powder during a production run. When the sabotage is discovered, panic reigns and hospitals are overwhelmed as people discover the yellow packets contain 100 percent sugar. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) The Pairings: Nursing a grudge at abuse suffered in "Sideways," flights of Napa Valley merlot start pairing inappropriately, soon accompanying dishes ranging from effeuillée de raie aux herbes en papillote de choux to croustillant de foie gras parfumé au Floc de Gascogne. Outraged diners kill all the sommeliers, and civilization as we know it comes to an end. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Every time a person presses a button on the TV remote, he loses a second of his life. Men all over the world are dying younger and younger, some not even making it to their thirties. Women are left alone to watch entire programs from start to finish. (Donna LaBranche, Reston) Seconds before Fanny dashed to the loo, the malevolent seat sprang into the vertical again. Cold ceramic on the gluteus, a hip-wrenching fall into the bowl, tore a shriek from Fanny's pharynx: "Peter! You inconsiderate . . ." "Yet another marriage destroyed!" gurgled a voice from the depths. (Art Litoff, York Springs, Pa.) The Closet: A series of New York socialites literally die when, as successive owners of a high-end condominium, they discover that every article of clothing in the bedroom closet has transformed into last year's fashion!!! (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Luffa's Not Enough: Beware, thin-skinned ones! Facial care products want their pound of flesh: They start exfoliating and they won't stop until those cheekbones are really defined. (Russell Beland; Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.) Anti-evolutionist plotters develop computer furniture whose secret aim is to compress and deform the human spinal column. After the human race mutates into hunched-over drones, the anti-evolutionists claim that Darwin was wrong. (Peter Metrinko) PMs: Platelet Monsters: A mutant blood virus has given tampons the power to overpower the emotions of any human who comes into contact with them. Symptoms of the "host" include emotional instability, intolerance of perceived slights that were hallucinations, and overreactions to simple inconveniences -- like getting on a spouse's case for not calling to say he would be late from work, when he actually did call, but the line was busy, so what could he do? (Joel Ross, Herndon) Fed up with being the target of men's derision for so many years, urinal cakes learn how to charge themselves to 6,000 volts. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax) And Last: Wastebaskets of Doom: Paper-recycling bins keep snatching up my best entries and tossing back third-rate junk like this. (Russell Beland) Next Week: Show Us Some Character, or Toyed Story ====================================================================== WEEK 655, published March 26, 2006 Week 655: Laughing Inside The atmosphere that I create I ask you now to tolerate: I think it's just something I ate. They say everyone has a novel inside him. Well, They of course are full of it, but They are closer to the truth in the case of newspaper reporters, who often were lit'ry types in school and then found their prose in demand only insofar as it told about Wednesday night's sewer board hearing. Their only recourse: Hide the literature IN the sewer story. Your job: Find it. This week: Take any article appearing in The Washington Post or online onhttp://washingtonpost.comfrom today through April 3 -- the more serious and/or mundane its headline, the better -- and write a funny poem or other passage using only words that appear in that article. You can change punctuation or capitalization, but not the letters in the word. You can't use a word twice unless it's in the story twice. Include the story's date and page number if you are using the ink-and-paper Post; if you take your story from the Web site, please copy the article (or the portion you are using) onto your entry, so we can verify that the words you are using are actually there, and not just you-wish-were-there. The example above is from today's Ask Amy column. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives the genuine Vader-looking welder's helmet that was donated by Russell Beland, won by him, then foisted back on us again. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 3. Include "Week 655" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Four weeks ago, we asked for more Loserly names for the too-polite "Honorable Mentions" category. The Empress, being a member of the two-X-chromosomes part of the population, was taken with several readers' suggestions that she use various names in rotation. As Loser Paul Cloutman of London quoted the Dodo (his own name suggestion) from "Alice in Wonderland": "Everybody has won, and all must have prizes." This week's heading is by Seth Brown of North Adams, Mass. He wins a toy germ donated eons ago by Paul Kondis of Alexandria. Report From Week 651, in which we asked you to add another character to a book or movie (new title optional) and describe the resultant plot. Some Losers just changed the title and came up with a totally different plot, forgetting the original characters. They lose, and we don't mean Lose. Just lose. 4 "Fun With Dick and Jane and Raskolnikov": See Spot. See Spot run. Run, Spot, run. Run, run, run. Run from the howling pangs of guilt that sear your soul. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 3 The New Testament: Widely considered to be the least talented of the Thirteen Disciples, Ringo nonetheless lands all the hottest babes. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) 2 The winner of the book "The Adventures of Peter Pangler Puncker 'Discovering the Pumping Heart' ": "Harold and the Purple Koran": Harold uses his crayon to show kids the acceptable way of sketching Muhammad: Just draw his house and say he's inside.(Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker 1 "Moby-Dick and Flipper": After killing the whale that cost him his leg, Captain Ahab pursues the dolphin that once splashed him at Sea World. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Not Entirely Devoid of Merit "Back to the Future": John DeLorean steals his namesake time machine to persuade his younger self to stay at GM, changing history so the DeLorean car no longer exists. Doc Brown and Marty McFly instead use a Ford Pinto, with tragic results. (John Johnston, St. Inigoes) "Harry Potter": Late in the seventh book Harry learns he has a twin brother, Larry, who was separated from him at birth. Larry then tells Harry the story of his life, in extraordinary detail, through a whole new series of books, movies, action figures and backpacks. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Brokeback Jungle": After Tarzan/Lord Greystoke returns to civilization, he meets Jane's brother James. Tarzan then experiences feelings he doesn't fully understand, although he has seen this sort of thing once or twice back among the bonobos . . . (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) "Cast Away Too": A pair of fishnet stockings washes ashore on the island. Wilson the volleyball, longing for net, calls them Ginger and Mary Ann. These three disappear to the other side of the island, leaving the stranded FedEx engineer to seek solace from Little Buddy Coconut. (Wilson Varga, Alexandria) "Make Way for Ducklings": Effete liberals hit the dirt as Dick Cheney pursues Mrs. Mallard and her family across Boston Common. (Kevin Dopart) "The Perfect Storm, With Pat Robertson": With the help of his trusty sidekick God, the Reverend moves a super-typhoon from the North Atlantic to San Francisco Bay, where they've basically been asking for it. (Brendan Beary) Robert Altman's "M*A*S*H": Hawkeye Pierce (Donald Sutherland) is joined by his TV twin (Alan Alda), who drives down morale at the 4077th with his self-righteous moralizing about war and sexism. (John Johnston) "The Five Horsemen of the Apocalypse": The Fifth, Willie Shoemaker, comes up just short in his furious last-minute charge, so the jockeys for the winning trifecta are Famine, Shoemaker and Pestilence. (Roy Ashley, Washington) "Gandhi and Norton": As the Mahatma's assistant, Art Carney spends hours trying in vain to prepare a simple rice dish. Gandhi finally explodes in a rage and punches him out. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) "No, Shoot THIS Piano Player": Yanni takes over from Charles Aznavour in the barroom . . . (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) "Crikey, It's Genesis!": Rugged reptile-taunter Steve Irwin is brought in by a worried Adam to curb Eve's fascination with a snake. With aplomb, Steve snares it in a Hessian sack [burlap bag, in the U.S. translation], thus taking away human guilt. (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire, England) "Syriana": John Madden uses the Telestrator to explain the plot. (Bob Grossman, Columbia) "Psycho": Things don't go as planned for Norman Bates when he surprises Janet Leigh and Lou Ferrigno in the shower. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "2001": After HAL has killed all but one of the crew members, a HAL Corp. tech support staffer finally picks up the phone. (Pam Sweeney) "Woodstock": That nerdy guy at work, the one who claims to have been at Woodstock, shows up in a shot of the audience. Well, I'll be. (Russell Beland) "Rumplestiltskin": Soon after evil Mr. R dies in a fit of anger, his son brings suit against the miller's pretty daughter. E. Pierce Stiltskin seeks the return of $1.5 billion in spun gold and straw, claiming she exercised undue influence over his father. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) "Macbeth": Macduff, Thane of Fife, invites his distant cousin Barney Fife to help investigate Duncan's murder. It turns out that only Barney can see Banquo's ghost, who keeps trying in vain to give him hints. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) "One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich and Cuddles": A man survives another day in a Stalinist work camp by talking to an imaginary six-foot chinchilla. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) "One Fish, Five Thousand Fish": Dr. Seuss adds Jesus to his book. (Peter Metrinko) "The Burgundy Letter": Sean Taylor joins the story, spitting on anyone who disagrees with him. He is forced to wear the letter A, but not for adultery. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) "The Seven Musketeers": Weary Porthos, Athos and Aramis welcome the fresh reinforcements. Now they can take on Cardinal Richelieu aided by Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) "Thirteen Angry Men": The jurors' anger erupts into gunfire when Yosemite Sam cain't stand no more infernal yammerin'. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Next Week: Ask Backwards, or Reverse Ordure ====================================================================== WEEK 656, published April 2, 2006 Week 656: It's Post Time Ever a Friend + Throng = What's Throng Barbican + Up an Octave = Ken Can't El Chile Dog + Irving's Run = Irving's Runs It's yet another time around the track for one of the year's most popular wastes of time. Here is a list of 100 of the more than 400 3-year-old racehorses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races. You get to "breed" any two of these contenders -- never mind that almost every one is male -- and name their hypothetical foal. Like the names of the real horses, the foal's name cannot exceed 18 characters and spaces combined. We don't want to put a limit on how many entries you can submit, but remember that this is the Kentucky Derby of humor contests, and, say, "Brilliant + Confederate = Robert E. Lee" isn't quite gonna make the cut for cleverness and originality. So don't send every last thing that occurs to you. There's only one Empress here. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a matched set of Van Gogh's Nose and Picasso's Ear, both courtesy of Truly Artistic Loser Kevin Mellema of Falls Church. These are rubbery things you can toss against a wall or computer, and then they'll slide slowly down. (Kevin modestly declined to offer up his own body parts, considering himself no more accomplished than Pissarro or Braque.) Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 10. Put "Week 656" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 30, the Sunday before the Kentucky Derby. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. The Honorable Mentions name is discourtesy of Meg Sullivan of Potomac. REPORT FROM WEEK 652, our perennial "Jeopardy!"-style game in which you came up with questions for our 12 bizarre "answers": 4 Answer: Brown v. Board of Zoning Appeals, Gaithersburg. Question: What event led to the tragic Clarksburg Latte Riots of 2006? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3 The California Raisinets: What name is the '60s rock group Moby Grape performing under now?(Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) 2 The winner of the children's book "You Have Head Lice!": The things that you're liable to read in the Bible: What is the first line of this poem? ". . . are marvelous stories in many respects,/ Relating begettings, dismemberment, tribal/ Hostilities, murder, incestuous sex." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) And the Winner of the Inker: 1 Pyramus and Frisbee: What couple had an ill-fated fling? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) And the Blindfolded Monkey's Dart Also Landed On . . . 17 percentage points What's the Bush administration's new definition of "mandate"? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) What does Dick Cheney have left to lose? (Mark Young, Washington) What is the increase in odds for an average Loser to get ink in The Style Invitational if Brendan Beary is allowed to win only once each week? (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) Fruit of the Lame What's the Secret Service code name for the Bush twins? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Who is Sean Preston Federline? (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn; Katelynn Kem, Herndon) What company manufactures that "Home of the Whopper" underwear? (Art Grinath) The things that you're liable to read in the Bible: What is absolute proof of the validity of your own personal views? (Kevin O'Connor, Burtonsville) What line did Ira Gershwin compose after "Faith and begorrah, Paddy's readin' the Torah?" didn't get any laughs in Boston? (Peter Metrinko) What shalt thou not do? (Judith Cottrill, New York) What makes you feel you really ought to get stoned? (Russell Beland, Springfield) What tattoos might you find on Jerry Falwell? (Jeff Brechlin) Absolutely not in a Metro car Would it better to dunk doughnuts in a cup of coffee in St. Peter's during Mass or in a Metro car? (Fil Feit, Annandale) Where will you hear the correct pronunciations of "L'Enfant" and "Judiciary"? (Ira Allen; Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Bethesda; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) If Jesus returned, where could He perform one of his feed-the-multitudes miracles? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) What did Bill Clinton tell Hillary about his relationship with Monica that is entirely true? (Larry Carnahan, Arlington) Do women still expect us to help them into the front seat and close the door before going around to the other side? (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Bruce Springstein-Goldfarb Who is the frontman for the Oy Street Band? (John Rogers, Waldorf; Mark Young) Who sang, "Bubbe, we were born to run"? (Chris Doyle) The California Raisinets What did Arnold Schwarzenegger rename his family jewels after years of steroid use? (Stephanie Yoo, Macedon, N.Y.; Mike McNeil, White Hall, W.Va.) What is the name of the San Diego senior citizen swim team? (Judith Cottrill) Definitely Not Control-Top Pantyhose What was the biggest surprise in "The Crying Game?" (Sue Lin Chong) What did William Donald Schaefer say after he asked the intern to walk past him again? (Steve Fischer, Annapolis) Given the choice among control-top pantyhose, a Kevlar vest and a Day-Glo orange hat, what do you want to bring on a hunting trip with the vice president? (Marc Leibert, New York) What was the costume department's brilliant idea during filming of "Basic Instinct?" (Ira Allen, Bethesda; Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Angelina Jolie's pinkie What is attached to the other end of Brad Pitt's nose ring? (Selma Mathias Ferris, Harrisonburg, Va.) There is more talent in Reese Witherspoon's pinkie than in what? (Jay Shuck) What is Brad Pitt after a full day of nude sunbathing? (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) What can I get you to bring back for me? And it'll hurt, right? You're not a cop, are you? -- J. Aniston, Los Angeles (Mark Young) What will Brad wear as a pendant after they're married? (John Kupiec, Fairfax) Rock-Paper-Scissors for Dummies What uses real rocks, paper and scissors? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What's third on the West Virginia bestseller list after "Who Is Buried in Grant's Tomb for Dummies" and "The Big Book of Sudokus With Almost All the Numbers Filled In Already"? (Candadai K. Madhavan, Alexandria; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) In what game does a Winston Churchill always beat an Adolf Hitler? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Brown v. Board of Zoning Appeals, Gaithersburg Which Supreme Court case ended the ugly legacy of Plessy v. Ferguson Towing? (Jay Shuck) What fictitious case was the plot device for the Peanuts flop "It's Your Petition for a Land Use Variance, Charlie Brown"? (Brendan Beary) So what is Marcia Clark doing now? (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Pyramus and Frisbee What did they play during intermission at Shakespeare in the Park? (John Folse, Bryans Road) What mythological story was turned into a musical, "The Fantasdisks"? (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Maxwell's Alabastrite? Ball Peen Hammer What did Agent Smart use to finally nail 99? (Rob Kloak, Springfield) What was Ted Bundy's favorite collectible from the Franklin Mint? (Kevin Dopart) In addition to "Lucy in the Sky With a Diamond Drill Bit" and "I Want to Hold Your Handsaw," what song did Paul and Ringo sing at their gig at a Peoria Home Depot? (Jeff Brechlin) Next Week: It's the Eponymy, Stupid, or Ne-who-logisms ====================================================================== WEEK 657, published April 9, 2006 Week 657: Nuts Fruit Contrary to scurrilous rumor, you do NOT have to write silly, juvenile stuff to get ink in The Style Invitational. This week you can just take silly, juvenile pictures. For The Invitational's inaugural photo contest, we ask you to send in funny (but printable) images of real pieces of fruit -- no risque bananas hardehardehar. You can decorate them, write on them, carve them up (even digitally). But the photos must be original, and must not have been published elsewhere. If you steal from the Web, you are going to be mercilessly hung out to dry right in this space, not to mention the corrections box, like the dustiest of old prunes. Two exceptions to normal Invitational practice: You can e-mail the photos as attachments in standard digital formats (we'll contact you if we can't open them up properly; try for jpegs no more than 1,500 pixels wide) or you may mail them to the address in the wee type below. No faxes, duh. We're not returning any photos because we need something to dress up our bulletin boards here. The definitive Whimsical Fruit Art is the peerlessly adorable work of Saxton Freymann, of the classic "Play With Your Food" and other books. So just outdo that guy in the next eight days -- it's all we ask. The winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a display of nine sizable samples of SynLawn artificial grass, including SynFescue (polyethylene and nylon), SynBlue(100 percent nylon) and SynTipede (0 percent bugs). Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by mail to Style Invitational Photo Contest, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, April 17. Include "Week 657" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by John O'Byrne of Dublin. The Honorable Mentions name is by Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia. Report From Week 653, in which we asked you to coin and define words or phrases based on someone's name: 4 Yogiberrata: Sayings that ought to be corrected, but then they wouldn't be right. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 3 Blix-and-mortars: Said of two types of things never found together. "Bill Frist campaigning at a Wiccan Festival would be like blix-and-mortars." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2 The winner of the Flying Spaghetti Monster car plaque (below): Disputin: To invite a one-way ticket to the gulag. "Ever since the Khodorkovsky verdict, Russians have been afraid to disputin." (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase) And the Winner of the Inker 1 Dean: 1. To make a complete change in occupations, such as going from singing to selling sausage; 2. To wreck a sports car; 3. To snitch on a corrupt politician; 4. To ruin one's career by resorting to weird shouting. "He used the money he made deaning to buy a Porsche that he ended up deaning right after he decided to dean out that governor who had deaned his way right out of the primaries." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Selected Lowlights Angelou: To wrap bad poetry in gravitas by employing a deep, stentorian voice: "You may angelou all you want," the teacher scolded, "but it's still just a dirty limerick." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Dobson's Choice: The requirement that the president nominate to the Supreme Court either a reactionary arch-conservative or an evangelical arch-conservative. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Enfant terrellible: An egregiously self-centered athlete. (Tom Greening, North Bethesda) Not to mention: T.O.: To insult coworkers, violate workplace standards and practices, and show little regard for clients. "Despite his smile and performance record, he still managed to T.O. everyone in the office." (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Vindiesel: A noxious, oily fossil fuel, or the implausible lumbering vehicles supposedly propelled by same. (Brendan Beary) Greenspanish: Cryptic yet extremely influential language. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Cochronicle: A story told in verse. "He was on trial, for quite a while. Tried on a glove, and got no love." (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Fiddy: Inclined to brag about sociopathic behavior: "One Dolla, who is twice as fiddy as 50 Cent, stole 42 cars, spent six years in JV and was shot eight times by police before making the logical transition to the music industry." (Jeff Brechlin) Abramoffer: A gift that would never, ever lead any legislator to betray his conscience or his constituents and would never influence his vote in any way. Ever. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.; Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) Bonds: To share drugs with your teammates. "Barry and I did a little male bondsing before the big game." (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Simonize: To criticize hurtfully. "To be perfectly honest, I've heard better singing from a wounded animal," the judge simonized to Singer No. 2. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis; Louis B. Raffel, Northbrook, Ill.) Kaineing: A severe legislative defeat. "The governor got a brutal kaineing from the Republicans on his slow-sprawl bill." (Daniel Hupfer, Springfield) Lola: To encounter a mixed-up, muddled-up, shook-up world. "We have to find a pickup bar with better lighting -- it's just too easy to lola here." (Russell Beland) DeLaissez-faire: The practice of looking the other way regarding questionable campaign contribution schemes. (Julie Klavens, Baltimore) Sharonstone: To show more skin than justified at one's age. "Ewwww, Sally's mom sharonstoned us at the pool party." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Manilobotomy: A procedure to remove that godawful nagging tune out of your head. (Brendan O'Byrne, Regina, Saskatchewan) Paristocracy: The class of people born to the lifestyle of the rich and clueless. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio) Vannalism: A form of graffiti that is displayed only a letter at a time. (Brendan Beary) Kobe: To buy off a spouse after an adulterous affair is discovered: "He had to kobe up a $4 million diamond to pay for that one-night stand." (Ken Rosenau, Washington) Sanctum Santorum: The holiest of holier-than-thou political philosophies. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Chert: To fail to pay attention, with dangerous consequences. "I wouldn't chert off those flood warnings if I were you." (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) Ojaywalking: Making the rounds on a golf course in search of your wife's killer. (Jon Reiser) Billdo: A cigar. (Nick Curtis, Gaithersburg) Frist: To make a quick judgment on insufficient evidence. "The specialist fristed whiplash after examining the scrape on the patient's bumper." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Elizabeth Stamper, Watertown, N.Y.) Nader: To sabotage or undermine. The beauty contestant nadered her roommate's chances by pouring Nair into her shampoo. (Gordon Labow, Glenelg) Larryking: A slow-pitch softball that doesn't even reach the plate. (Marc Naimark, Paris) Halliburtion: The process of destroying something and then hiring oneself to rebuild it. (Brendan O'Byrne) Bidentime: Shooting the breeze instead of asking a nominee questions. "After the senator from Delaware had rambled on for his entire questioning period, the Republicans on the Judiciary Committee put in some bidentime as well." (Steve Ettinger) Partonnage: One's bust size. (Tom Witte) Timmeadows: the pasture to which most "Saturday Night Live" cast members disappear. (Brendan Beary) Alitosis: A fear that opening one's mouth might offend somebody. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax) Next Week: It Plays to Recycle, or How the Waste Was Won ====================================================================== WEEK 658, published April 16, 2006 Week 658: Not in the Cards Correction to This Article In this article, Dave Prevar's Inkling is misidentified. On an office wall at the headquarters of Hallmark Cards in Kansas City, according to a recent Associated Press article, there's a big bulletin board covered with index cards marked "FBN" -- "funny, but no." These contain the funniest ideas that were ruled over the line even for Hallmark's mildly edgy Shoebox division. Like the Christmas card featuring a couple cuddling on the couch with a jolly man in a beard -- and a turban. Woman: "Honey, this Afghan your mom gave us is really warm!" This week: Send us ideas for cards that would likely be ruled FBN by Hallmark but F&YYY by the Empress. How far can you go? She wouldn't have had any problem with the Afghan card, for sure. But she's unlikely to run those in the realm of the Truly Sick. Results run May 14 -- Mother's Day. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy, and a copy of the winning card as done up by The Inimitable and Too Funny for Hallmark Robert T. Staake. First runner-up gets an "Energy Ball" donated by persistent Loser Dave Prevar of Annapolis; it looks just like a ping-pong ball, except that it produces little flashing red lights and an irritating noise when you touch little metal strips on it. Sometimes. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 24. Put "Week 658" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. The Honorable Mentions name is by Paul Kocak of Syracuse, N.Y. Report from Week 654, in which we celebrate Earth Day by suggesting some oh-so-sensible recycling ideas: 4 Some people throw away their shredded financial records, and I've found you can make them into challenging jigsaw puzzles. Plus, once you finish them, you can sell them to this guy I know. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 3 The White House could use the old Iraqi information minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, to reassure us about winning the war. (Yoyo Zhou, Cambridge, Mass.) 2 The winner of the stupid card game "Are You Phrazy": Little paper circles from office hole-punchers could be tossed at newlywed bureaucrats. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) And the Winner of the Inker 1 Use old prisons as office buildings. It's a nice, secure environment for employees -- and they have restrooms right in their cubicles. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Inklings Fingernail clippings make perfect scimitars for your social studies diorama about the Crusaders' capture of Edessa in 1097. (Things got a little heavier for its recapture in 1147, so you'd want to switch to toenails for that one.) (Russell Beland) Junked cars could be shipped to Japan so they can be recycled into well-designed, reliable cars for us to buy. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) VCRs make great stepstools for getting on and off the potty. (Jeff Covel, Arlington) I wish I could take credit for this one, but how about that person who thought to paint Styrofoam in pastel colors, mold it into bunnies and chicks, and sell it as Peeps? Man, that's genius. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Paperweights made otherwise obsolete are very handy when you need an object to throw at the computer screen after Windows crashes yet again.(Marc Naimark, Paris) Ice sculptures can be melted down in the microwave in practically no time and turned into delicious, refreshing water. (Russell Beland) Used tissues make great substitutes for Handi-Wipes. (Irv Shapiro, Rockville) When he dies, my uncle wants his body donated to the producers of those "CSI" shows for use in an autopsy scene so his obituary can include a TV appearance. (Bill Moulden, Frederick) Those magnetic "Support the Troops" ribbons could be reused to decorate our troops' body armor. Come to think of it, they would BE our troops' body armor. (Jay Shuck) Recycle your chastity ring as an IUD. (Jim Goodyear, Arlington) Don't let the barbershop keep your trimmed hair. They recycle it for big bucks, you know. Or let them keep it, and just call that the tip. (Russell Beland) Bleach your old coffee grounds and serve them to your Yankee guests as grits. (Bill Devlin, Front Royal, Va.) After dredging your chicken pieces or liver in flour for frying, pour the remaining flour into a plastic bag. Before you know it, you'll have enough for a yummy batch of cookies. (Jeanie Kunkel, Fairfax) Gather leather-bound editions of classic Russian novels: "War and Peace," "Crime and Punishment," "The Brothers Karamazov." Stack them and drill a thick hole straight through them to turn the stack into a lamp stand. Then your eyes won't be so strained when you're watching the reruns on TV Land. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) That sticky stuff they use on envelopes makes great fake snot. It did at my last staff meeting, anyway. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village; Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Send a copy of your new book to Dan Brown. Wait 20 years and . . . (Michele Puzzanchera, Pittsburgh) A second baseman can be recycled to any position on the team. I mean, what's he going to do? -- F. Robinson, Washington (Kuohsien Huang, Ichikawa, Japan) Surely those elementary school long-division problems have all been done many times before, so why continue to create reams of waste paper? Put them all in a database so kids can just look them up. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) The shed skin from molted cicadas would make great wonton crackers. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Hoop earrings could be recycled into hula hoops for mice. They'd have to appreciate the change of pace from running on that wheel all night. (Lucy Brennan-Levine, Potomac) Use airplane barf bags to take your lunch to work. It really cuts down on intra-office pilferage. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Shoot, I don't see a need to recycle anything. The Earth does that for us naturally. Leave a 1928 Ford in a bog and in just a few centuries you got mineral deposits. I got three of them on my place. I also buried a bunch of old charcoal briquettes and someday I'm going have me a diamond mine. (Russell Beland) And Last: Loser magnets work great to cover the holes on a metal colander. Not the one for your pasta, of course -- I mean the one you wear as a helmet to shield you from gamma rays from the black helicopters. (Brendan Beary) And Also Last: Years ago I could use these nasty photos of the Czar and some woman to secure some ink in this contest. Now, I find those same photos are just as useful as nasty pictures of the Empress with some guy. (Russell Beland) Next Week: Laughing Inside, or Designed, Concealed and Delivered ====================================================================== WEEK 659, published April 23, 2006 Week 659: Tell Us a Fib Lord, it's hard to know the truth! If Judas was good, Is Satan just misunderstood? Geeks around the world have been unnaturally excited that this is National Poetry Month, ever since a Los Angeles writer named Gregory K. Pincus invited readers of his blog (gottabook.blogspot.com) to write poems whose syllables per line match the Fibonacci sequence, that mathematical expresion of nature's elegance. The challenge quickly spread through the geek network and then the literary network, and then the geek/literary/potty network of the Losers, specifically Brian Barrett of New York, to the Empress. This week: Compose a six-line poem with the following number of syllables per line: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, as in the example above. In addition, because we are just more demanding here: It must be about a person or topic currently in the news, and two successive lines must rhyme. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets two repurposed alcohol-related items: an empty beer bottle that once contained some of the home-brew of Loser Ben Schwalb of Severna Park; it is labeled "Divorce Dark: Bitter, Expensive, Lasts for Years"; and (oh my, the Empress is so generous) a promotional plastic martini shaker labeled "GapBody Bra Bar, Fashion Week, Bryant Park." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 1. Put "Week 659" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of North Adams, Mass. The name for the Honorable Mentions is by Mark Eckenwiler of Washington. Report From Week 655, in which you were asked to take any article appearing in The Post or on washingtonpost.com during the week, and use only the words appearing in it to write your own poem or other funny thing. This is an enormously time-consuming task, and not surprisingly relatively few readers took us up on the challenge. Also not surprisingly (because we've had luck with similar contests before), those who did tended to come up with very good results. 3 Leyland Chats Up Storm With Writers (Associated Press blog, March 26) "You, writer, over there. The muscular one. Scratch my behind." Many of the cactus baseball press grimace when they get their first hardcore assignment. But some veteran reporters don't care; it's a nice, grassy area. "If I would've told them to wash my colon, they would've done it. If it was my own behind I would've done it myself -- but this was a rental," Detroit Tigers Manager Jim Leyland deadpanned. He turns and playfully sprays reporters with his scent. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) 2 The winner of the big black scary welder's helmet: Embryonic Stem Cell Success: In Mouse Experiment, Cells From Testes Are Transformed (March 25) For Males who would indeed New Women be, So easily are Testes passed from Them; More difficult for Girls to be a He, To grow a Staff, to cultivate a Stem. For Those who a good Stem would still pursue, A Sperm Cell cloned from Embryos may serve With added Hormones, Tissues could prove new(But getting Human Cells requires Nerve.) Or Organs to transplant one may yet find Donated by a Human Male most kind. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) And the Winner of the Inker But first, a short quiz: Q. Why does a retired actuary in Missouri have 15 Inkers -- fifteen! -- and you have none? A. Because you, smart cookie that you are, would never (No. Sorry. Never.) have composed each of the following from the words of the article headlined "Moussaoui Says He Was to Fly 5th Plane" (March 28) (1) How many lawyers does it take to fly a plane? Two: one to pilot it and one to make numerous objections to the motion. (2) In a secret speech to screen writers in London last week, Osama bin Laden had this to say: "I consider the four best motion pictures in history to be 'An American in Paris,' 'Going My Way,' 'Airplane' and 'I Know What You Did Last Summer.' They were extraordinary, you know what I'm saying?" Later on he asked many questions: "Tell me, is 'Chicago' the stunning spectacle everybody says it is? I was told the new hit 'Crash' is really good. Is that right? As crazy as it sounds, even 'Life of Brian' was fun for me -- a great pleasure, indeed." Who knew? (3) Airplane and Crash: What are the only two motion pictures Moussaoui is not allowed to have in his cell? (4) You: American, stunning-looking, great lips, looking to get it on. Me: French man, straight, former pilot, a bit crazy and far-out. Dream date: Making it in the can on a Paris-to-Miami flight. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth Mo.) No Shirt, Sherlock Senate GOP Fears Frist's Ambitions Split Party He could not build consensus On divisive border fences. And what about Dubai? His own caucus won't comply. If I were Senator Bill Frist, I would sure be getting . . . angered. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) School Board Seeks Input From Public Parents and students held meetings to look into putting the Fairfax County School Board on the moon. The community views the effort a public service. (Mary Presswood, Alexandria) Chess column When Paris mates with the bishop It will go the way it should: With a prophylactic ready (Unprotected is not good.) And he is resigned to her measures, But a further defense wants she: An elegant amber blindfold -- How he does it, she wants not to see. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Fate of Metro Extension, Toll Road Ignites Interest in Unelected Panel The Highest Authority, From His glass-walled airport boardroom, Overlooks the scores of smartly clad commuters. They are teetering on the edge of disaster, Crossing the line quickly and efficiently. "Their agendas, worries and complaints," He said, "Are, by any standard, the Dulles." (Alison Franklin, Ellicott City) Brain Development and Intelligence Linked, Study Says A federal study reported yesterday that intelligent children appear to develop brains. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Rice, Straw Press Iraqis to Forge Unity Prime Minister Tony Blair Slept in Bed of Straw; to Have Dinner of Rice and Kurds; Hoped for More (Ken Gallant, Little Rock) Sins of Commissions The Bush challenge: Trying to make Osama Only a has Bin. (Russell Beland, Springfield) For Jack's a Jolly Good Fellow! Opened a kosher deli: Tradition! Scholar of Talmudic Studies, Religious on a Friday night: Tradition! Not your average criminal. Contributions of a hamster to the Northern Mariana Islands' growing sex trade. Well, not so much tradition. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Senators Back Guest Workers With bipartisan support, Congress voted to provide a "blue card" for immigrants who would offer for three years to meet the needs of House and Senate members. (Brad Alexander) And Last: Sewage Tested for Signs of Cocaine Washington Post officials declined to comment on drug use by the Czar, but did offer this: "He is in the john a lot." (Chris Doyle) Next Week: It's Post Time, or Do We Not Breed? ====================================================================== WEEK 660, published April 30, 2006 Week 660: Foaling Down: The Next Generation As usual, our 11th (!!) annual breed-the-Derby- nominees contest drew an enormous stampede of entries -- thousands and thousands. In fact, it was the largest response that the Empress has had to contend with so far in her 121-week reign; she is only now beginning to lift her battered self from the dirt, dust off her silks and . . . well, they always say you should get right back on the horse. So, clearly still a bit logy, she decided to take up Horse Name Obsessive Loser Russell Beland on a suggestion to "breed" any two of the winning "offspring" included in the entries at right, and name THEIR foal. This time around, however: If a long list of entries arrives single-spaced, it may well not be read all the way through. Have some mercy, people. The names must have a maximum of 18 characters including spaces, and they shouldn't come close to duplicating any of today's results. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up, courtesy of the good graces of Loser Dave Prevar, gets a really ugly ball cap with a blob of fake dog do on the visor. On the cap, in crummy lettering, are the words "[figure it out] Head." (If you win and your mother says you can't have it, we will send you something else.) Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 8. Put "Week 660" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 28. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart of Washington. Report From Week 656: As always, there were tons of clever entries and tons of duplication. Most common theme: "Brokeback" everything. Among other nice but too frequent entries: "Racketeer + Up an Octave = Tony Soprano"; "Kennebunkport + Press Gently = Maine Squeeze"; and "A Big Mistake + Up an Octave = Bris Miss." Note: As thorough and systematic as she is, the Empress concedes the remote possibility that someone out there sent the same entry as one of those below but was not credited. If this has happened to you, please change your name to the one mentioned below so that the credit will be correct. Thank you. 5 Breed Doc Cheney with Tug o'War and name the foal Student Deferment (Arlee C. Green, Newington) 4 A Giant Valentine + Racketeer = Romeo and Joliet (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) 3 Rob 'Em Blind + Within Reason = Rob 'Em Myopic (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) 2 The winner of Picasso's Nose and van Gogh's Ear: He's a Lumberjack + Lawyer Ron = Chop Suey (Rich Muenchow, Bethesda) And the Winner of the Inker 1 Record + Doc Cheney = No. 1 With a Bullet (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) The Also-Rans Achilles of Troy + Tug o'War and name the foal Heel and Tow (Mark Eckenwiler) + Tiznow or Never = Priam Time (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) + Lightning Romance = Love Me Tendon (Russell Beland, Springfield) + Yes He's the Man = Heel Do (Roy Ashley, Washington) + Doc Cheney = Heel Thyself (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Brendan Beary, Great Mills) + El Chile Dog = Heel! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Americanrevolution + Morethanamouthful = 17769 (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) Art Museum + Master of Disaster = MoMA Gaddafi (Stephen Dudzik) + Laptop Computer = Louvred Windows (Stephen Dudzik) + Morethanamouthful = Guggenheimlich (Chris Doyle) + Tug o'War = Venus De Milo (Laurel Gainor, Great Falls) + Rob 'Em Blind = TakeTheMonetAndRun (Chris Doyle) + Laptop Computer = Framer in the Dell (Harvey Smith, McLean) Circle the World + Express News = Phileas Blog (Brian Barrett, New York; Greg Pearson, Arlington) Bob and John + With a City = Denver (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Confederate + Up an Octave = Treble Yell (Chris Doyle) + Record = 0-1 (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Bluegrass Cat + Totally Gone = Flatt Broke (Paul Burnham, Gainesville) Crossword + Tug O'War = Buy Two Papers (David Franks, Wichita) + Doc Cheney = One Down (Dave Brewer, Shoreline, Wash.; Nancy Israel, Bethesda; John O'Byrne, Dublin) Devil's Concierge + Ever a Friend = Beelzebuddy (Roy Ashley) Doc Cheney + Dubai Gold = Lamé Duck (Beth Morgan) + Lawyer Ron = Lawyer, Run! (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Eight Ball + Rehoboth = Four Sunbathers (Elden Carnahan) El Chile Dog + Big Mistake = DontReallyUseDog (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) + Dubai Gold = Wiener Takes Oil (Chris Doyle) Fabled + Like Now = ASAP Fables (Brendan Beary) Get Off the Sugar + Little Genius = Poindextrose (Stephen Dudzik) First Samurai + Doc Cheney = 28 Gauge Shogun (Mark Eckenwiler) + Eight Ball = Sushi Cue (Mark Eckenwiler) He's a Lumberjack + Circle the World = Bunyan Rings(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) + Private Vow = Don't Ax Don't Tell (Laura Bennett Peterson; Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) + Eight Ball = Ax Again Later (Mark Eckenwiler) + I Believe in Me = I'm OK, He's OK (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Jolted and Jostled + Last Gran Standing = Not for Long (David Franks) + Achilles of Troy = QB on the DL (Russell Beland) Kennebunkport + Hemingway's Key = The Son Also Rises (Mark Eckenwiler; Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Ice N Lemon + Get Off the Sugar = DiabeTeas (Carol June Hooker, Landover Hills) + Too Much Bling = Mr. Tea (Ernie Staples, Silver Spring) Little Genius + He's Got Grit = He's Got Trig (Rich Muenchow) Lightning Romance + Big Mistake = Thunder Clap (Mark Eckenwiler) Lawyer Ron + Press Gently = Legal Tender (Mark Eckenwiler) Last Gran Standing + Itsallboutthechase = AllAboutTheChaise (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Malameeze + Morethanamouthful = Mammareeze (Tom Witte) Music From Heaven + A Big To'Do = Fran's List (Russell Beland) + He's Got Grit = Celestial Hominy (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Press Gently + Sayhellotolarry = L King Live (Russell Beland) Racketeer + I Believe in Me = Confidence Game (Russell Beland, Chris Doyle) Refinery + Crossword = Crude Remark (Stephen Dudzik) + Flashy Bull = Oil of Olé (Elden Carnahan; Chris Doyle; Sam Laudenslager, Burke) + Devil's Concierge = Phillips 666 (Chris Doyle) Showing Up + Big Mistake = Ron at Nicole's (Brad Alexander) Sorcerer's Stone + El Chile Dog = Harry Pooter (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Starbucks Day + Up an Octave = Higher Grounds (Harvey Smith) Sweetnorthernsaint + Lawyer Ron = Sue Ste. Marie (Mark Eckenwiler) Rob 'Em Blind + With a City = It Takes a Pillage (Brian Barrett) Tiznow or Never + Well Said = It Is Now or Never (Russell Beland) Up an Octave + Laptop Computer = Unix (Tom Witte; Pam Sweeney, Germantown) War God + Press Gently = Mars Kneads Women (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) + Lemon Law = Dodge Ares (Brendan Beary) Your Tent or Mine + Racketeer = Bivouwhacked (Mark Eckenwiler) Zodiac Zack + Big Mistake = To Aries Human (Pam Sweeney) Steppenwolfer + Refinery = Magic Tar Pit Ride (Brian Barrett) + War God = MagicCarpetBombing (Stephen Rothandler, Alexandria) + Get Off the Sugar = Born to Be Wired (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.; Ernie Staples) + Well Said = Born to Be Wilde (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) + Last Gran Standing = Born to Be Wheeled (Beth Morgan) + Lethal Missile = Hessebollah (Noah Bartlett, Washington) Next Week: Nuts Fruit, or Gross National Produce ====================================================================== WEEK 661, published May 7, 2006 Week 661: Name Any Good Movies Lately? It was going to be called, perhaps, "Pacific Air Flight 121." But for once, the studio didn't bother hiding the campy inanity of its upcoming summer movie thriller, and decided to sum up the entire concept into an irresistible title: "Snakes on a Plane." It is about, well, duh. This week, give us a funny new title for an existing movie. You can go two ways here: You can either make it hilariously terse and elegant or make it hilariously long and spoiling. Wonderful examples of the latter tack were cited by the New York Times in a 1998 story about Chinese translations of movie titles, such as "Field of Dreams" becoming "Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield"; the story was followed two days later by a correction explaining that these "Chinese" translations were actually winners of the online contest TopFive. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets an aerosol can of Poop Freeze, a product that freezes poop. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 15. Put "Week 661" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Roy Ashley of Washington. The TopFive title is by Hank Weilevy of Fairless Hills, Pa. See if you can outdo yourself, Hank. Report From Week 657, the first (and definitely not the last) Style Invitational photo contest, in which we asked for funny, creative and original pictures featuring real fruit. Losers being Losers, the Empress had a hunch that the Tomato Question would immediately come up. It did. She ruled that a tomato could be a fruit if it were funny enough. On the other hand -- and it's something to consider this summer -- it can also be a vegetable. As can a pumpkin. Second Runner-Up "West Side Story: Finale" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) First Runner-Up "Well, The lipo helped, too" (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Winner, "The picture of Dorian Grape" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) HONORABLE MENTIONS These lucky few will receive one of the lusted-after Style Invitational magnets, lovingly rendered in strawberry, by Drew Bennett of Alexandria. "Baby" Thanks to 5-month old Sarah, who reluctantly donated a binkie and a diaper. (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, NC) "Toby Hooper's Cocktail" (Jay Shock, Minneapolis) "Honorable Mentions" (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) "Lemmonings" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "Marion Berry" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "Still Life" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "Nice tats" "Nice peircings" (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) "Tommy Tomato" (April Albertine, Erin Carnahan, Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Anita's Day Without Sunshine" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "The Apple of My Eye" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn., and Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) "The Gang's All Here" (Mark and Jane McDowell, Annandale) "The Grape Escape" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "Ceci N'est Pas..." (Evan Golub, New Carrollton) "Those Rottnen Bananas" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "Still Life with Empress and Czar" (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Next Week: Not in the Cards, or Nixed Messages ====================================================================== WEEK 662, published May 14, 2006 Week 662: How Low Will You Go? As his entry for the Week 657 contest -- which was to come up with a creative and funny photo of fruit -- Loser Peter Metrinko submitted the photo above: It's Fruit of the Loom, get it? Yes, that is a picture of Peter. Peter lives in the Washington area. His neighbors may well be looking at this picture at this very moment. Peter is a lawyer. Peter has two children who attend elementary school with other children. We hope those other children are nice. This week: Humiliate yourself for ink and a stupid prize, even more than this man has done. This is a wide-open contest: You can tell something embarrassing about yourself, you can suck up to the Empress -- whatever shameful thing you like as long as The Post will print it. As always, we have to use your real name. In addition to humiliation, the winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a fancy one-liter squeeze bottle of Hydro Dog dog water. It contains water and three minerals, and sells for $2.49. As "the Hydro Dog veterinarian" explains on the product's Web site: "We usually give these fluids via an intro-venous [sic] catheter. Of course, these animals are usually sick. Your dog is not! Why shouldn't your dog get these needed fluids now?" Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 22. Put "Week 662" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 11. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. The Honorable Mentions name is by Drew Bennett of Alexandria. Report From Week 658, in which we asked for greeting card ideas that the Hallmark people might put on their "Funny but No" wall: 4 A child, crushed under the wheel of a bus, cries out: "Don't worry, Ma! I'm wearing clean ones!" Happy Mother's Day (Ira Allen, Bethesda) 3 Hope You Get Well Soon! I mean, you're just grossing me out, how disgusting you look and smell right now. (Judith Cottrill, New York) 2 The winner of the feckless "Energy Ball": Picture of Sigmund Freud: "I'd wish you a happy Father's Day . . . [inside] . . . if only I didn't want to kill you and sleep with Mom."(David Kleinbard, Jersey City) 1 the Winner of the Inker And this illustration by Bob Staake: (Randy Lee, Burke) Our Condolences to . . . [Cover] We Are Saddened by Your Loss [Inside] Whatever It Was (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) With Appreciation on Secretaries' Day In gratitude for your lovely attitude and excellent work, I've enclosed this gift card -- it's so much more fun than stupid old benefits. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Sometimes you can't undo what's been done . . . all you can do is admit the hurt you've caused and say, "I'm sorry." So get off your high horse and apologize already. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Congratulations, Graduate! As you enter the workforce, you should know that all jobs fall into four categories: 1. Stimulating, but not financially rewarding; 2. Secure, but soul-destroyingly dull; 3. Financially rewarding, but very stressful without being stimulating; and . . . (Inside) 4. Somebody else's. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Happy Passover! [Drawing of door with blood smeared around it] Hope the Angel of Death skips your house! (Judith Cottrill) A kid looking at a centerfold: "To the Hottest Mom a Boy Could Wish For." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Congratulations, College Graduate! You are so gonna be THE king of Italian Renaissance poetry among all the baggers at Safeway! (Brendan Beary) Picture of Abu Ghraib with holiday decorations: Season's Beatings! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Congratulations on Your Same-Sex Union Take comfort that while your souls burn forever in the fires of eternal damnation, they'll be together. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Since I met you . . . I'm euphoric I'm relaxed I laugh easily I feel tingly I am free to just be me [Inside] Of course, I've also been sniffing paint . . . (Molly Norton, San Francisco) Front: Picture of a frustrated guy reloading a gun. Inside: I keep missing you. (Erik Agard, Gaithersburg) We'd Make a Great Team! I've got loose shoes and a warm bathroom. . . . You can bring the rest. (Kevin Dopart) Congratulations on Your Retirement Like a salmon that has swum upstream to its destination, your work is done . . . Now, all that's left is to go belly up and die. (Wilson Varga, Alexandria) Congratulations on Your Promotion! You're an inspiration to shameless brown-nosers everywhere. (Rob Kloak, Springfield) M is for the many times you bailed me Out of jail, and rustled up some meds, T is for the therapy that failed me, H, the hours fending off the feds, E is for the energy you wasted, Running ragged while I lounged in bed Put them all together, they spell "suckehhhh . . . Mother," My safety net you'll always be. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) [Cover] A Belated Birthday Wish [Inside] From Your Conjoined Twin (Chris Doyle) Next Week: Tell Us a Fib, or Dorkerel ====================================================================== WEEK 663, published May 21, 2006 Week 663: Worth at Least a Dozen Words It's the same question we ask Style Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake every week: "What is THIS supposed to be?" This time, though, we actually asked him to make his pictures as ambiguous as possible. Interpret any of them as you see fit in a caption. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a sort of Inker-to-Be, given to the Empress long ago by intrepid Loser Michelle Stupak: a fake-marble statuette, below, of a chimpanzee sitting atop a pile of books, one of them labeled "Darwin." The chimp is scratching its head and pondering a human skull. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, May 30. Put "Week 663" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. The Honorable Mentions name is by Deborah Guy of Columbus, Ohio. Report From Week 659, in which we asked for Fibs, six-line poems whose number of syllables per line echoes the mathematical Fibonacci sequence: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8. In addition, we required that any two successive lines had to rhyme, and that the subject matter be in the news. 4 Where's That Receipt, Claude Allen? We clerks get nervous When you're near Customer Service.(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 3 Duke Lax Scandal Has the whole Campus in a fix, Because boys can't control their sticks. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) 2 the winner of the Divorce Dark beer and Gap martini shaker: White House Shows us: Tony's in, John may take a hike: Proves no two Snow flacks are alike. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)And the Winner of the Inker When The Chinese PM comes, You meekly kowtow. 'Cause Dubya, Hu's your daddy now. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Not Quite So Well Versed To Joe Lieberman: It Ain't Brave, your Behavior. Please kiss a tiny Bit less presidential hiney. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Whenn That Aprill Wyth showres Hath made hys drizzle, Thenn wander pilgryms, fo' shizzle. -- K. Viswanathan, Cambridge, Mass. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) I'll Sign The next Immigrant Bill that is offered: Gotta clear brush down in Crawford. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) It's At Three bucks A gallon And rising so fast, The public's not pumped, but a-gassed. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Oh Keith, Now please: Climbing trees? Why don't you grow up? You aren't 55 anymore. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) Yes, Bonds Will be Inducted. But still, by and by, I bet they'll change that "u" to "i." (Roy Ashley, Washington) With Tom DeLay Gone away, House Speaker Hastert Can't say he misses the bastert. (Brendan Beary) We Sent Home Scott McClellan. Our ship ran aground! We'd better move deck chairs around. (Jay Shuck) Bush Moves To change Palace guards. The fault, dear Brutus, Lies in ourselves, not in the Cards. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Oh My Papa, To me he Was so wonderful. But to others, so blunderful. -- Chelsea Clinton (Russell Beland, Springfield) Down With All these Big boxes! Mom-and-pops for all! (But dirt cheap, please, and in a mall.) (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Drats! Stats Told Karl His BS Just wasn't sellin' -- So he dumped poor Scott McClellan. (Nick Curtis, Gaithersburg) When Dick Cheney Shot Harry While hunting for quail, He hid and kept dragging his tale. (Chris Doyle) O My People! Paisanos! Please go north in flocks. -- Love, your leader, Vicente Fox. (Troy Siemers, Staunton, Va.) Why Lie, Tehran, About your Big nuclear toil? You need fuel? With all of your oil? (Mark Organek, Tempe, Ariz.) Poor Tom DeLay Once held sway, The fearsome Hammer. Will his next House be the slammer? (Mark Eckenwiler) Let's Leave Iran And not fight. And when they nuke us We can say, "Guess what? We were right!" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Filled With Despair, Tony Blair Has cause to feel blue: Approval ratings down the loo. (Brendan Beary) Tom And Katie Had Suri. Timed the birth, you see, To get big press for "M:i:III." (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Off Drives Britney With her kid. Folks want to shoot her: She has a laptop commuter. (Jay Shuck) Bless Those Downloads! Even when Her body's wiltin', We'll always have Paris Hilton. (Roy Ashley) Buy. Sell. Flip it. Gentrify. Oops, I'm in trouble. The market just popped my bubble. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) East Coast, West Coast, A story You'll read every year: "Drugs' Impact on Barry's Career" (Kevin Dopart) Oh, Dear! LaVar Arrington, The noncompliant, Will now haunt us as a Giant. (Walt Johnston, Woodstock, Md.) To Save On gas I must take A Yugo in trade For my Cadillac Escalade. (Elden Carnahan) I Called My place "Signatures": I wish I knew then I'd soon be heading to the pen. -- J. Abramoff, Washington (Mark Eckenwiler) Why John Can't add Or subtract: Is it because we Gave him a TI-83? (Janet O'Donnell Lacey, Arlington) "Lord, In '08 If it's "Frist" Or "Hillary" to check, I'll vote for Sharpton from Quebec. (Elden Carnahan) Ten Long Decades Since the Quake Struck without warning. FEMA just arrived this morning. (Jay Shuck) Don't You Mess with Our anthem: "Jose can you see" Includes enough Spanish for me. (Kevin Dopart) Dude. Whoa, Let's go. Pot's legal Down in Mexico. (Dude, I totally lost this line.) (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Not really "in the news," but so what: Oh Good Golly Miss Molly, You sure like to ball. And when you're rocking and rolling . . . -- L. Richard, West Hollywood, Calif. (Russell Beland) And Last: My Drug Of choice Is really Recreational: The Style Invitational. (Russell Beland) And very last: No Ink. I stink. Humor gone Since last election: It's your fault, Mr. President. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Next Week: Foaling Down, or Rerun for the Roses ====================================================================== WEEK 664, published May 28, 2006 Week 664: A Thousand Times?! No! Last week's Style Invitational marked an astonishing milestone: the 1,000th printed entry by Russell Beland of Springfield. Since he began entering the Invitational in 1994, Week 73, Russ had racked up 22 wins, a record 99 runners-up (including a record 26 first-runners-up) and a record 35 contest ideas, according to the meticulous statistics of Founding Father Loser Elden Carnahan of Laurel. He now stands almost 200 ink blots above No. 2 in the all-time rankings, Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Russell, a disturbingly high-level official at the Pentagon, essentially lives The Style Invitational. He loves the horse-name contest so much that each year he arranges his schedule around it (one year he sent 487 entries); his children are tired of wearing 12 years' worth of Loser T-Shirts in various colors and designs. He gets the earliest possible edition of the Sunday Post so he can be the first person on Earth to e-mail the Empress with a complaint about the judging. Fortunately, Russ is (well, duh) funny and clever as all get-out: Google his name and you will get 74,000 hits, most of them Invitational zingers that have been forwarded through cyberspace. Courtesy of your tax dollars, Russell carries a BlackBerry, which he possibly also uses for functions other than submitting contest entries and berating the Empress. And as you might expect, the "signature" lines Russell puts at the bottom of his e-mails are probably not like yours. They have included "Portions of this e-mail may have been translated from the original Latin" and "Serving Size: One-half message; Servings Per E-mail: Two." This week: Come up with a new signature line for Russell Beland's -- or anyone else's -- e-mails. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets an absurdly large comb and pencil brought back from Canada by Loser Sue Lin Chong. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 5. Put "Week 664" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 25. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. The Honorable Mentions name is by Drew Bennett of Alexandria. Report From Week 660, in which we asked you to take the winning horse names from Week 656 and "breed" them to produce grand-foals.(yes, it was Russ Beland's idea): Clever but too often submitted: Mr. Tea + Crude Remark = I Pity the Fuel; Four Sunbathers + He's Got Trig = Tan Gents; and Venus De Milo + The Son Also Rises = A Farewell to Arms. 5 Higher Grounds + Mammareeze = Double Latte (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) 4 The Son Also Rises + Crude Remark = Jesus H Christ (Joseph Romm, Washington) 3 Love Me Tendon + Crude Remark = In Sinew VIII (sigh ... Russell Beland, Springfield) 2 The winner of the ball cap with the fake dog do and a bad word: Love Me Tendon + QB on the DL = Joe Thighsman (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 1 And the Winner of the Inker Chop Suey + Phileas Blog = Instant MSG (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Had to Put Them Down Beelzebuddy + Lawyer, Run! = Devil's Advocate (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.; Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) It Is Now or Never + Ron at Nicole's = Expiration Date (Russell Beland) Born to Be Wilde + Magic Tar Pit Ride = Oscar Mired (Roy Ashley, Washington) Magic Tar Pit Ride + No.1 With a Bullet = Ooze on First (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Wiener Takes Oil + Celestial Hominy = Willie Maize (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Chop Suey + No.1 With a Bullet = Bamboo Shoots (Carol June Hooker, Landover Hills) Lawyer, Run! + Crude Remark = Crass Action (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Lamé Duck + Fran's List = Snappy Drescher (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Crude Remark + One Down = How's It Hangin' (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) To Aries Human + Unix = Needs More RAM (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Flatt Broke + Mammareeze = Busted (Harvey Smith, McLean; Chris Doyle) Four Sunbathers + Phillips 666 = Barenaked Hades (Charles Trahan, Jessup) Four Sunbathers + I'm OK, He's OK = Mellownoma (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis; Steve Fahey, Kensington) Four Sunbathers + Thunder Clap = Eight Cross Buns (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) Guggenheimlich + TakeTheMonetAndRun = Artychoke (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Heel Thyself + It Is Now or Never = O Sole Mio (Rick Muenchow, Bethesda) He's Got Trig + Rob 'Em Myopic = See? Can't. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.; Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Ron at Nicole's + Four Sunbathers = Slash and Burn (Mark Eckenwiler) Mars Kneads Women + The Son Also Rises = Venus Kneads Men (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Rob 'Em Myopic + Higher Grounds = Blind Man's Bluff (Brad Alexander) I'm OK, He's OK+ Romeo and Joliet = Do the Okie Pokey (Stephen Dudzik) I'm OK, He's OK + ASAP Fables = Sooner (Brendan Beary) Sushi Cue + Beelzebuddy = Fish Styx (Russell Beland) It Takes a Pillage + Beelzebuddy = BootyAndTheBeast (Chris Doyle) It Takes a Pillage + Rob 'Em Myopic = Visigoth (Tom Witte) Mammareeze + Don't Ax Don't Tell = Victoria's Secret (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) Mars Kneads Women + Don't Ax Don't Tell = Forty WACs (Russell Beland) 17769 + Mr. Tea = Banned in Boston (Mark Eckenwiler) Oil of Ole + Confidence Game = Picador, Sucker (Jan Brandstetter, Mechanicsville, Md.) One Down + Ax Again Later = Where'sMom,Lizzie? (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Stephen Dudzik; Jeff Covel, Washington) QB on the DL + Magic CarpetBombing = Vinny & the Jets (Jon Reiser) It Is Now or Never + Priam Time = Aeneid It Now (Ben Aronin, White Plains, N.Y.) Ron at Nicole's + I'm OK, He's OK = I'm Not OK -- He's OJ (Chuck Smith) Higher Grounds + Mammareeze = Grand Tetons (Mark Eckenwiler) Ron at Nicole's + Venus de Milo = Glove Doesn't Fit (Harvey Smith) Student Deferment + Higher Grounds = Save Your Butte (Tom Witte) Sue Ste. Marie + Four Sunbathers = Canadian Bakin' (Chris Doyle) Sushi Cue + ASAP Fables = Orient Express (Phyllis Reinhard) Sushi Cue + Oil of Olé = Toro Toro Toro (Seth Brown; Cheryl White, Hartsdale, N.Y.) TakeTheMonetAndRun + Ask Again Later = Here We Gauguin (Steven D. Price, New York) TakeTheMonetAndRun + Four Sunbathers = Sandy Claudes (Phyllis Reinhard) Buy Two Papers + Higher Grounds = One Big Joint (Russell Beland) Unix + Heel! = Platform Shoes (Kyle Hendrickson) Unix + 0-1 = NoBallsOneStrike (Pam Sweeney) Mammareeze + Mr. Tea = Snippple (Tom Witte) Venus de Milo + Beelzebuddy = Venus De Milosevic (Chris Doyle, Stephen Dudzik) Venus de Milo + Born to Be Wheeled = Look Ma, No Hands (Ernie Staples, Silver Spring; Steve Fahey) Venus de Milo + Lawyer, Run! = Statue Esq. (Jay Shuck) And the Oh, But of Course Award for Most Ridiculously Obscure Entry of the Week: Poindextrose + Celestial Hominy = You're All Wet (See, Poindextrose: "sugar" = C6H12O6; Celestial Hominy: both "star" and "starch" = C6H10O5; so C6H12O6minus C6H10O5= H2O = Wet). (Kevin Dopart) Next Week: Name Any Good Movies Lately? or Unbecoming Attractions ====================================================================== WEEK 665, published June 4, 2006 Week 665: Your One-in-a-Million Sometime very soon, according to the highly disputed but good-enough-for-our-purposes calculations of one Paul JJ Payack, the English language will expand to include its 1 millionth word. Paul JJ has a Web site called Global Language Monitor and has "devised GLM's proprietary algorithm, the PQ Index/Indicator, that helps track the frequency of words and phrases . . . in relation to their frequency of use and contextual usage." While Paul is a swell algorithm-deviser, even he doesn't know what that 1 millionth word will be. (Or should have been.) You do. And you know what its last three letters are. This week: Coin the millionth word in the English language and define it. The word must end in -ion. You're welcome to use it in a sentence. It can't be a redefinition of a well-known existing word; for example, you can't submit "carrion" and define it as damaged luggage. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. And first runner-up receives something that even the Empress admits is better: When Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn., received his second Inker in the mail, he found that it had been slightly damaged in shipping, i.e., shattered into a dozen pieces. So Jeff offered, in exchange for an intact replacement, to put the broken one back together, with a little enhancement. Thus: The Brechlinker, Mixed Media (Alabastrite and Malibu Beach Barbie). Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 12. Put "Week 665" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 2. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The Honorable Mentions name is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. The "Brechlinker" name was thought up by Kevin Dopart of Washington. This subject of this week's contest was brought to the Empress's attention by Brendan O'Byrne of Regina, Saskatchewan. The Revised Title for next week's contest is by John O'Byrne of Dublin. (We're just O'Byrneing up all over.) The Empress's wardrobe was provided by Village Thrift Stores. Report From Week 661, in which we sought alternative titles for actual movies -- either comically long "foreign translation" titles or comically pithy ones, such as the upcoming says-it-all "Snakes on a Plane." In general, we got better examples of the latter; we've just mixed them together below. 4 "The Graduate": "Doin' Your Mother's Girlfriend and Your Girlfriend's Mother" (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) 3 "United 93": "Snakes on a Plane" (Dave Brewer, Shoreline, Wash.; Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) 2 The winner of the aerosol can of Poop Freeze: "The Ten Commandments": "Elderly Jewish Man Tries to Tell Everyone Else What to Do" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the Winner of the Inker "Hotel Rwanda": "Hutu: Tutsi, Goodbye!" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Straight to DVD "Tora! Tora! Tora!": "Razing Arizona" (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Bonnie and Clyde": "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang . . ." (Tom Witte) "The Passion of the Christ": "Jesus and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" (Matthew McCollum, Los Angeles) "Life Is Beautiful": "Life May Be Beautiful, but This Here Is a Movie About the Holocaust" (Heather Trew and Jeff Bridgman, Arlington) "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly": "The Bad, the Very Bad and the Not Only Bad but Also Ugly" (Russell Beland) "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs": "One Bride for Seven Brothers" (Ira Allen, Bethesda) "The Birds": "Meet the Flockers" (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) "Taxi Driver": "Back in the Day When Cabdrivers Were More Normal and Spoke English" (Judith Cottrill, New York) "Harold and Maude": "How Many Times Does 20 Go Into 80?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World": "A Series of Harrowing Mishaps Leading to the Big W" -- N. Pelosi, Washington (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) "Fantastic Voyage": "Here's Looking in You, Kid" (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) "Animal House": "Beware of Greeks Throwing Food" (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) "Field of Dreams": "If You Build It, and Film the Building of It, and Use Some Post-Production Special Effects to Make an Iowa Cornfield Look Exciting, They Will Come" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "Deliverance": "The Afting Trip" (Tom Witte) "A Few Good Men": "Two Overacting Men" (Russell Beland) "Stalingrad": "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front War" (Peter Metrinko) "The Alamo": "Immigration Reform, the Early Days" (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) "Jesus Christ Superstar": "The Savior Is Very Talented Musically!"(Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) "King Kong": "Furry Animal Finds Stray Girl and Promises to Take Care of Her" (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) "Shrek": "It Ain't Over Till She's Ogre" (Russell Beland) "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe": " 'The Passion of the Christ' for Kids" (Grey Maggiano, Arlington) "The Aristocrats": "Flying Excrement, Blowholes and Your Sister, Together at Last" (Jay Shuck) "The Breakfast Club": "Shouldn't You Kids Be Out of School?" (Brendan Beary) "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom": "Indiana Jones and That Terrible Middle One" (Russell Beland) "One Million Years B.C.": "Raquel Welch Wears the Skins of Mammals That Haven't Yet Evolved to Her Bra Size" (Mark Eckenwiler) "Pretty Woman": "My Favorite Whore" (Tom Witte) "Pride & Prejudice": "He's Rich and He's Hot: Is There a Problem?" (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) "Pulp Fiction": "Gratuitous Violence Committed by Various Thugs, Plus a Really Cool Dance Scene" (Jerilyn Schweitzer, Bethesda) "Rent": "Eight Thousand One Hundred and Seventeen Seconds" (Nick Curtis, Gaithersburg) "Silent Hill": "A Movie That Makes as Little Sense as the Video Game of the Same Name but Unlike the Game It Won't Cost You $50 and You Can Finish It in Two Hours" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) "Silkwood": "Whistle on Your Work" (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) "West Side Story": "Death Battle of the Dancing Pretty Boys" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "The Wizard of Oz": "The Farm Girl's Wild Time With Three Guys and a Dog" (Rob Kloak, Springfield; Kevin Dopart, Washington) "Curious George": "Except for Buckingham Palace, Your Best Shot at Seeing Monkey Ears and Gaudy Yellow Hats" (Jay Shuck) "Transamerica": "Heather Has a Mom/Dad" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) And Last: "The Maltese Falcon": "Another Much-Sought-After Ugly Little Statue That Turns Out to Be Worthless" (Brendan Beary) Next Week: How Low Will You Go? or An Embarrassment of Wretches ====================================================================== WEEK 666, published June 11, 2006 Week 666: Bedevil Us Are we so deaf to the tongue of Satan, who speaketh always in riddles, that we do not know his handiwork when it is plainly before us? Liquid Crystal Display. LCD. Lucifer, Cursed one, Devil. Repent, before it is too late, specifically 11:34. Hold the cursed object upside down and see where you shall dwell for eternity! We couldn't let this week go by without doing a contest pegged to this week number, especially since the Empress had been alerted to its impending arrival for about the past 30 weeks by agitated Losers, including Mark Eckenwiler of Washington, who suggested this contest: Give a mini-sermon (75 words or fewer) explaining how some innocuous object or event signals the End of Days, as in the example above, contributed by Washington Post columnist and anti-digital-watch activist Gene Weingarten. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets four tins of Atone Mints ("for each of your sins"), plus some Mensa pencils with the phone number 1-800-666[M]-ENSA, all donated by Loser Ed Gordon of Hollywood, Fla. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 19. Put "Week 666" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 9. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Douglas Frank of Crosby, Tex. The Honorable Mentions name is by Mark Eckenwiler. Report From Week 662, in which we gave the assignment to "humiliate yourself for ink." That could consist of sucking up to the Empress or just embarrassing yourself in general in front of your neighbors and a million-plus other readers of The Washington Post. Some Losers thought they could get by with Rodney Dangerfield-type self-deprecating but fictional one-liners, like this one(well, we assume it's fictional) from Kyle Hendrickson of Frederick: "Once I got excited at a public pool while wearing nothing but a Speedo. And nobody could tell." These all fail -- they're not humiliating until they're used as facts in your obituary. 3 The winner in the embarrassing- anecdote category: When my daughter was a toddler, our family went to the beach. Dressed in a bright red bathing suit with Snoopy on the front and her hair in a ponytail, she ran away from me as fast as she could go. As I started off to catch her, a woman called out: "What a beautiful child! She must be adopted." (Rochelle Zohn, McLean) 2 The winner in the Suck Up to the Empress category, winner of the bottle of HydroDog dog water: To My Empress To just say I'm your servant leaves a lot to be desired: Please use me as your gelding when your darling feet get tired. I'll buy you jewels, I'll scrub your floors -- the things that good slaves do. I'll chew the Dentyne from your mouth (or underneath your shoe). And while you eat your chocolate truffles, supine on your couch, I'll stand at rapt attention wearing nothing but a pouch. And, so you know for sure that of my pride there is no trace, Please put your five-inch high heels on, and tap-dance on my face. I'd love to wash your dishes, ma'am, while on your throne you sit. I'd eagerly lick forks and spoons for traces of your spit. So, tell me I am worthless, I am ugly, that I stink. Hell, call me a Republican! Please, ANYTHING for Ink! (G. Smith, Reston) And the Winner of the Inker Looking Down Toward My Feet (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) The Ig-Nominees For a 1989 physical, I collected, um, fecal samples, put the strip up on top of a bookshelf to dry, and forgot about it for 12 years. On my 43rd birthday, I rediscovered the sample -- mounted in a frame, as a gift from my wife. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) I still have every pair of eyeglasses I have ever owned, going back to the first set from 1962. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) When we moved into our house, a billing mix-up led to our gas being shut off for a few days. We took sponge baths from bowls of water heated in the microwave. When the serviceman came to turn the gas back on, he looked at me and said: "Uh, ma'am, that's an electric water heater." (Jennifer LaFleur, Rosemont, Tex.) I was a member of the Duke men's lacrosse team. The 1957 team, but still. Plus, we went 2-7. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) For ink I'll stitch my Style Invitational prize magnets into a loincloth and parade before the gathered Losers. Don't worry about anything showing, though: I'll have you know that I already have three magnets. (Wilson Varga, Alexandria) If you Google "poop" and "dopart," four of the six hits are by me. The others are (1) a typo and (2) in Dutch. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) When I agree with what's coming out of his mouth, I find Dubya kinda sexy! (Christina Courtney, Ocean City) As the sixth-place finisher in the 1974 National Spelling Bee, I got to meet Pat Nixon at the White House. It only looks as if I'm ogling the national assets. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) I have been a writer all my life. I was teaching journalism at a major university when the Empress was still working on her high school paper, and the only time I can get my damn name in The Washington Post is in this stinking column. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) My college application essay was about winning Rookie of the Year in The Style Invitational. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) Every single week, I send in my Style Invitational entries with an e-mail beginning "O Empress, My Empress," followed by a rhyming poem begging for ink, like this one in Week 660: "After all these pretty rhymes / And many wonderful times / With you I willingly flirt / Just for a loser T-Shirt . . ." (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) [This is true -- and they're always that bad.] Years ago at a party, I used the hallway bathroom just off the crowded living room. When I turned around while zipping up, I saw that the door had swung halfway open. There was only minor applause. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) I sent in an entry calling the Empress "a whore" and later I met her in person and she asked me about it. (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.) Inspired by the selfless heroism of David Blaine, I will immerse myself alive in the bathtub for eight days. I'm just sad I have to pretend to humiliate myself just to get a little publicity for this amazing feat, especially since I am doing it as a plea for world peace and an end to hunger. (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.) Humiliation has to be public. My private hell -- 114 failed attempts to get ink from the Empress -- is private, so it doesn't count. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) Next Week: Worth at Least a Dozen Words, or Litter of the Pics ====================================================================== WEEK 667, published June 18, 2006 Week 667: Questionable Journalism It's really just the two kids I worry about. In the team sitting-still contest, how do you think your lineup of a lead paperweight, Francisco Franco and two kids will fare? Time again for a recurring contest that, if you're anything like the Empress, will warp your newspaper reading long after the deadline because you won't be able to stop playing this game: Take any sentence that appears in The Post or in an article on washingtonpost.com from now through June 26 and supply a question it could answer. Please cite the date and page number of the article you're using (or if you're online, include that section of the article). The example above is from today's Ask Amy column. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a half a coffee mug (it's a semi-cylinder) promoting, in big block letters, the HalfLytely Bowel Prep Kit, courtesy of the fully prepped Phil Frankenfeld of Washington. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 26. Put "Week 667" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 16. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The Honorable Mentions name is by Laurel Gainor of Great Falls. The Revised Title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. Correction: We incorrectly reported last week that Mark Eckenwiler was the first to hound the Empress about a Week 666 contest. Actually, it was Kevin Dopart, who began the hounding on Nov. 11, 2005, as he proved with documents that he probably had notarized. Report From Week 663, in which we asked you to explain pictographs concocted by Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake. As expected (and hoped for), the interpretations were all over the place, although just about everyone wrote in to note that Picture A was a solar igloo and E signified the Avocado Pit and the Pendulum. Click here for a larger version of the pictographs. 4 Picture B: The ball Barry Bonds hit for No. 715 already had the asterisk printed on it. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) 3 Picture C: "See, your chart says that Aquarius is in conjunction with Motel 8 -- tonight's the night, baby!" (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.; Bill Moulden, Frederick) 2 Winner of the thinking-chimp sculpture: Picture A: When she noticed Perry spying down on her suspiciously from the transom, his fiancee threw her engagement ring back at him, box and all. (Richard Kenney, Vienna) And the Winner of the Inker Cartoon D: Madame X awaits the firing squad. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) B's on the Rorschach Test Picture A Just to prove what a great salesman he was, Frank sold and installed a window air conditioner in an igloo. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Domino's new Pepperoni-and-Post-It-Note pizza tended to go half eaten.(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Oh, noooo, Mr. Bill! You shouldn't have tried to peek under the samurai's skirt! (Michelle Stupak) Gertrude Ederle swims the English Channel. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Florida road sign: "Caution: Short, elderly drivers next 218 miles." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A Beetle parked two straight nights on a city street. (Deborah Guy, Columbus) A West Virginia dental chart. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Picture B Even in a black hole, you can still use your Cingular cellphone. (Ira Allen) Factory-irregular Communion wafers are the biggest seller at that local religious outlet store, Seconds Coming. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Mr. Butterfly's wild ride ends tragically at the bowling alley. (Kevin Dopart) Elton John's contact lens. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) In response to complaints that "Steelers" sounded too negative, this new logo for the Pittsburgh Petunias was unveiled. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) The Sierra Club rejected as too pessimistic the logo of the butterfly on the 8-ball. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) CBS executives were dismayed to find remnants of the NBC peacock on an image from Katie Couric's colonoscopy. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Coffee is usually too old to reheat in the microwave after the mold has formed an advanced civilization. Or at least give it an extra 10 seconds. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Repeated attempts to use www.googleearth.cn failed to pinpoint the location of China's Office of Internet Censorship. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) Picture C The gurgling rapids made Frosty wish he'd attended to his needs before attempting the tightrope crossing. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The earliest known proof of baseball yet discovered, this Shawnee pictograph indicates that a ball will carry to left field at Pittsburgh's Three Rivers Stadium. (Andrew Hoenig) No sooner had Calista Flockhart gotten her breast-augmentation surgery done than she was run over by a truck. (Elden Carnahan) "As you'll observe, the brush strokes in this work are characteristic of the Era of the Sevens." (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) The new Adidas lorgnette. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village; Douglas Frank) Howls of delight burst forth in a Rehoboth nightclub when the hat and gloves come off and Mister Peanut administers a mock caning to Gumby and his two pals. (Wilson Varga, Alexandria) Patridos Phallos led off the opening ceremonies at Athens Olympics as the host country's flag bearer. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Picture D It is extremely rare to die of seasickness on an ocean cruise. But when you do, they honor you with a green coffin. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) In exchange for agreeing to do "2001," the monolith was promised a chance to direct. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Donald Trump's plan to do well by doing good: the Your Ad Here Memorial Ribbon. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Mary was pleased to discover that Jesus's halo conveniently changed color when his diaper needed attention. (Elizabeth Molyé, Falls Church) The new, improved High-Water Superdome. (Ben Aronin, White Plains, N.Y.; Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) These days, Space Invaders always make sure to carry their green cards. (Hamdi Akar, Broad Run) My astronomical IQ tells me that an egg with an upside-down antenna in the middle comes next. -- M. Vos Savant (Jeff Bridgman, Falls Church) Picture E The first ultrasound ever taken of a woman's biological clock actually ticking inside her uterus. (Andrew Hoenig; Betsy Storck, Dayton, Md.) I have nothing against nudity, but couldn't she do her leg lifts indoors? (Jay Shuck; Steve Langer, Chevy Chase) Sen. Barbara Mikulski's favorite dress pattern, originally designed by Coco Chanel for J. Edgar Hoover. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) The keyhole on a gynecologist's door. (Jeff Brechlin) Ow! That's supposed to be a rectal thermometer, not a bladder thermometer! (John O'Byrne) It's an egg timer, of course. (Russell Beland) He looked at me with a jaundiced eye . . . (Beverley Sharp, Washington) In a shortcut to catch up with Honda, GM creates a gas gauge that never shows Empty. (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.) Even before hatching, ostriches are programmed to hide their heads in the sand. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) All the pictures: An Eskimo woman in an igloo (A) tries to fan (B) her husband's ardor, which has been flagging (C) of late, in the hope of getting impregnated (E). These are scenes depicted on the storyboard by the director's chair (D); the movie is, of course, "Nanookie of the North." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) Next Week: A Thousand Times?! No! or P.S. de Résistance ====================================================================== WEEK 668, published June 25, 2006 Week 668: Cut From the Chase The dog did his business on the hardwood floor -- and realized that this was one mess that couldn't be swept under the rug! One of the all-time great Losers, Jean Sorensen of Herndon, wrote to tell us about one of her family's favorite pastimes, watching "World's Wildest Police Videos" and the melodramatic narration of its host, retired sheriff John Bunnell. At the close of each get-the-bad-guy segment, after the bad guy has been gotten, Bunnell sums up the moral with some colorful tagline: "This crazed madman used a cellphone while trying to escape the LAPD," Bunnell intones, "but the only phone he'll be using from now on is the one at the state pen." Or: "This idiot is going the wrong way down a one-way street. The cops gave him a one-way ticket -- straight to jail!" This week: Write an original Bunnell-style wrap-up to a crime story -- or one for a more minor transgression, such as having too many items in the express lane. Jean's own example of the latter type accompanies the cartoon above. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. The first runner-up gets a bottle of lobster-scented (really!) bath gel by the weird fragrance company Demeter, which also sells eaux de Funeral Home and Dirt. This fine product was donated by Mark Eckenwiler of Washington, whom people have been sidling away from lately in the elevator. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 3. Put "Week 668" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Elden Carnahan of Laurel. The Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report From Week 664, in which we asked for creative "signature" lines to run at the bottom of the e-mails sent by 1,000-ink Loser Russell Beland, or anyone else. After dabbing on that 1,000th blot of Ink four weeks ago, the Empress hit upon a way to ensure that, for once, her most persistent and pesky contestant wouldn't have a single winning entry in this contest: She let him judge it instead. (Oh, settle down: When you get your own 1,000th ink, she'll let you do it, too.) All the entries were forwarded to Russell, with the authors' names and other identification replaced with a numerical code. With a couple of rare, accidental exceptions, he learns today, along with you, the names of the winners. 4 Ideas in this e-mail are bigger than they appear. (Matt Schaffer, Nokesville) 3 Caution: E-mails may be monitored by the government and/or my extremely suspicious wife. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) 2 The winner of the enormous comb and pencil from Canada: For Al Gore's BlackBerry: All the thanks I get for inventing the Internet are Nigerian scams and penis enlargement ads, only one of which has worked out. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the Winner of the Inker If you have a freezer, you have a safety deposit box. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Hackolades This rambling free-association made possible by the amazing substance known as Play-Doh, which has kept my 2-year-old engaged for the last 20 minutes. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Feel free to bow down to my superior intelligence. (Elaine Chung, Rockville, and Ramita Dewan, Burtonsville) Tomorrow's another blog. (Chuck Smith) Please jihad responsibly. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) You didn't hear this from me. (Gene Brown, Concord, Calif.) Stop reading e-mails and get back to work, you slacker. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) It is important to realize that each of us has a role in advancing my future. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) My other signature line isn't stupid. (Ernie Staples, Silver Spring) Writer may be smarter than he appears. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) In lieu of reply, please send cash. (Carol June Hooker, Landover Hills) This e-mail was lovingly handcrafted from the finest fonts available.(Stephen Dudzik) Although I studied Wittgenstein and Chomsky, I will not take unfair advantage of that to ridicule the many obvious faults in any reply you may send. (Brad Alexander) Sending this e-mail does not constitute endorsement of the contests. By that I mean, if I don't agree with what I wrote, then I can disagree with it later. (Fil Feit, Annandale) My fiance snuck into my e-mail account and changed my signature. He's waiting to see how long it takes me to notice this, so please don't say anything. (Andy Wardlaw, Burbank, Calif.) Making the incomprehensible merely hard to figure out. (Cheryl Davis, Arlington) Note to NSA: This e-mail does not contain hidden messages to terrorist groups. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) If you believe you received this e-mail in error, you are sadly mistaken. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Caution: This e-mail may have been sent in haste. If any of its contents are offensive, inappropriate or inaccurate, it is not my fault, damn it. (Bill Szymanski, Vienna) If you have received this e-mail in error, aren't you lucky? (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) My other PDA is an iPod. (Matt Schaffer) Damn, e-mail is annoying. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) Next Week: Your One-in-a-Million, or -ion Bombardment ====================================================================== WEEK 669, published July 2, 2006 Week 669: Huddled Messes If you are asked, "Do you advocate the overthrow of the U.S. government by force or violence?" the correct answer is "Violence." On this week in which we celebrate the freedom of our nation, as the fireworks shoot high above the Statue of Liberty as she exhorts other nations to go ahead and keep their storied pomp but give her the wretched refuse of their teeming shores, we ask you to do your part: Suggest some bad advice for new arrivals to this country (legal or illegal). Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner up gets, courtesy of Michael Press of North Potomac, the genuine swim cap pictured here from the Germantown Masters swim team: Nothing like seeing a giant GERM stick its head out of the water. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 10. Put "Week 669" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 30. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest, including the example, was suggested by Mark Eckenwiler of Washington. The revised title for next week's contest is by Bruce Alter of Fairfax Station. The Honorable Mentions name is by Ned Bent of Oak Hill. Report From Week 665, in which we took suggestions for the 1 millionth word in the English language, which, according to the algorithms set forth by one Paul JJ Payack, is 11,032 words away as of June 30 (then again, it also was 11,032 words away on March 21). Just to be imperious, the Empress decreed that the word had to end in -ion. Some otherwise good entries turned up too often on Google, such as "comcastration," getting your cable cut off. 4 Martyration: A request for only 36 virgins in paradise. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) 3 Espanation: Stupidly adding a vowel at the end of an English word to try to talk to a Spanish-speaker; e.g., "Which aisle-o has the cerealo?"(Alan Hochbaum, Atlanta) 2 The winner of the "Brechlinker," the Inker with the Barbie head: Errudition: Comical misuse of big words. "Madam, your dress looks positively superfluous on you tonight," he said with amazing errudition. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And the Winner of the Inker Percycution: Giving your child a name he will hate for the rest of his life. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Fermentions Achoodication: Trying to determine whether you have to say "bless you" after someone's second sneeze. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Applicushion: Your fall-back college. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Banglion: The primitive neural structure constituting 90 percent of the male brain. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Awwdition: A tryout for the Cutest Babies and Puppies Pageant. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Bossculation: Kissing up to management. (Chris Doyle) Boysion: A house that looks bigger and more luxurious than it really is. "The railroad tracks separated the mansions from the boysions." (Elizabeth Moly?, Falls Church) Bratisfaction: Stomping your feet until you get your way, and you do. (Steve McClemons, Arlington) Cadhesion: The emotional attachment that keeps some women from breaking up with men who treat them badly. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Codgertation: A man's realization that with a certain saying, thought or action, he has turned into his father. (Brendan Beary) Coitillion: A formal dance at which a debutante really makes her debut. (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Joseph Romm, Washington) Dabomination: Something that is hateful in the Lord's eyes, but otherwise is way awesome. (Brendan Beary) Delugion: The mistaken impression that the levees would hold. (Steve Fahey) Doughnation: The extra item in a baker's dozen. (Tom Witte) Dreckspansion: Now on washingtonpost.com, even more Style Invitational entries! (Brendan J. O'Byrne, Regina, Saskatchewan) Effemination: France. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Emensapation: To free yourself from that circle of pedants comparing their SAT scores from 30 years ago. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Enamortization: To fall rashly in love with an object or person, and end up paying for it for the next 20 years. (Brendan Beary) Esion: The sound of music played backward. "Oh, the White Album played backward doesn't say 'daed si luaP.' It's just esion." (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase) Flabrication: The weight on your driver's license. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria) Flashion: The latest look in trench coats. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Homo-erection: Anything built by the species Homo erectus, of course . What else would it be? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Immigaytion: The GOP's two-pronged fear strategy: "It's two, two, two horrors in one!" (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Indigentrification: That new trailer park and check-cashing outlet on Foxhall Road. (Chris Doyle) Infectuation: An obsessive attraction to someone who's going to do you very wrong. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Iraqtion: A state of political arousal. Initially pleasurable, but requires professional attention if the condition lasts more than four years. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Irkstation: The cubicle right next to yours, with the co-worker who flosses at his desk. (Tom Witte) Levistation: A maneuver for putting on tight jeans, in which a woman lies on her back, lifts her hips and then kicks both legs straight up. (Brad Alexander) Liketation: Giving the milk of human kindness. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Maltiplication: The way that "a beer with the guys" becomes two, then four, then eight . . . (Brendan Beary) Menschion: The rare acknowledgment of the rare man who doesn't seek publicity. (Richard Pearlstein, Falls Church) Mession: What's really been accomplished in Iraq. (Tom Witte) Miniminion: The bottom banana in an organization; a sycophant's yes-man. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Oyveycation: A trip back to Brooklyn to visit Aunt Tillie. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Prevulsion: When you know you're just gonna hate it so much, you can taste it. (Bruce Carlson) Preztidigitation: An ability to fool an audience while having absolutely no sleight of tongue. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Racquisition: Implant surgery. (Nick Curtis, Gaithersburg) Regattacotillion: A vocabulary word designed solely to discriminate against minorities on standardized tests. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Regeorgitation: When the vending machine spits back your dollar bill. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Samesextillion: The number of gay marriages we'll have without a constitutional amendment to ban them. -- P. Robertson (Chris Doyle) Sintuition: 1. A knack for recognizing women willing to have sex with you; 2. The cost of a "date" with one of these women. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax) Snubdivision: a gated community created to keep out people like YOU. (Stephen Dudzik) Unsurrection: Oh, it's just a few desperate dead-enders setting roadside bombs. -- D. Rumsfeld, Washington (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) Vachion: The current anti-style rule that your dimensions shouldn't restrict your clothing choice, e.g., size XXXL hot pink spandex leggings. (Chris Parkin, Silver Spring) Weareligion: What sleeves are for. -- B. Frist, Nashville (Kevin Dopart) Anti-Invitational: Noinkish: Something only slightly amusing. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And another Anti-Invitational: Annoi: To irritate the Empress by sending an Anti-Invitational entry. (Stephen Dudzik) Next Week: Bedevil Us or Get Your Kicks From Week 666 ====================================================================== WEEK 670, published July 9, 2006 Week 670: A Test of Character The difference between a call girl and a ball girl is that one handles flies, and the other mostly grounders. The difference between Murtha and Martha is that one wants a war-end timetable and the other wants a wartime end table. It's hard to believe we've never done this contest before, but if we did, we can't find the thing: Change a word or phrase by only one letter -- substitute one letter for another, add a letter or transpose two letters -- and explain how they are different or similar. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives the cool rubber skull pictured below, complete with a bubble inside containing eyeballs and tongues and stuff. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 17. Put "Week 670" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. The Honorable Mentions name is by Mark Eckenwiler of Washington, who also donated the skull. Report From Week 666, which we celebrated by asking you to see the work of the Devil in everyday items and events, and to sermonize against them: 4 Beware of Satan's little black box! I speak, brothers and sisters, of PlayStation. Forsake it! And turn instead to the PrayStation -- for the End of Game Time nears, and on the Ninth Level of Hell, you can't hit the Reset button. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) 3 Look no further than today's headline: "Students Find Ring Tone Adults Can't Hear." The evil is obvious: Cellphones are Lucifer's loudspeakers. . . . Can you hear him now? (Mark McGovern, Washington) 2 The winner of the Atone Mints plus some Mensa pencils with the 666 phone number: New Jersey hockey team is Devils. Is obvious. -- Miroslav Satan, New York Islanders (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) And the Winner of the Inker Amen, brethren, we all fall short of the glory of God, by our words and thoughts and deeds, and yea, by our very maws and entrails! See how we take God's gift -- the creatures and bounty of the earth which the Lord hath provided -- and by our digestion turn it to the most sordid filth, to be excreted out; thus do we dishonor the Lord. Brothers! Sisters! We must not lay ourselves to waste! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The Outer Circles of Hell Behold the eyebrows of Andy Rooney! They groweth and moveth, bobbing as if they were the tentacles of the Beast itself. Pray lest Lesley Stahl be rendereth uncoiffed! Pray lest Morley Safer be rendereth unavuncular! Pray lest the madness that droveth away Dan Rather descend upon us! The Face of Time warneth us all! Tick! Tick! Tick! (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Lo, each grid is numbered unto nine, and the grids are nine in number; this pleaseth the Lord, nine being a trinity of trinities. But be not fooled by the Tempter's snare: for every trinity of grids, they that run from the east unto the west and they that run from the north unto the south, conceals a 6, and a 6, and a 6, and thus is the Sudoku a puzzle wrought by Satan! (Brendan Beary) Without warning, the sun goes black. A hellish howling pervades my being. The very air becomes a sulfurous fume. The earth trembles, and all life that can move flees, slavering with fear. Now that the End has come, the living will envy the dead. . . . Never mind, it's just my neighbor idling his Hummer in the driveway. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) How devious is the Trickster! He beckons to our gluttony with lures of Extra Value! He coddles our avarice with specials and prizes! Is not his masked servant Ronald garbed in the very colors of blood and brimstone? Does he not brazenly display the giant golden "M" of Mephistopheles? Beware, brethren: Wide is the service counter to Hades, and easy the way through the drive-thru! (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Male Members of the congregation, you who partake of the Blue Pill beware! Heart attacks abound for those who are weak, as vital blood is stolen from the heart to feed thy Devil's Tool. The warning is clear: VI(Roman 6) + AG (1st letter - 7th letter = -6) + RA (18th letter x 1st letter = 18), which adds up to 18, which is 6 + 6 + 6. The lesson, my friends, is simple: Do not rob Paul to pay Peter. (Ed Stolar, Rockville) iPod: the 9th, 15th, 14th and 4th letters of the alphabet. 9 + 15 + 14 + 4 = 42 4 + 2 = 6 iPod Video. iPod Nano. iPod Shuffle. 6. 6. 6. The sound of the Beast worms its way into our brains, preparing us for Satan's arrival. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) Evil will not reveal itself all at once; it will sneak up on us, winning us over gradually. It starts simply with the designated hitter, grows with the balk rule, and extends its pernicious tentacles with interleague play. Yes, evil is a product of Major League Baseball, which is solely responsible for its contents. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Shun the abomination that is soccer and the wickedness that is the World Cup! Know that the Lord despises all the world's revelment in pastimes where players use not their hands, for what are idle hands but the Devil's playthings? And is it not our holy duty, as God's favored country, to declaim against that at which we fail, and to abhor those who would excel? (Brendan Beary) The president need only look out the Oval Office window to know that Armageddon is here. For just past the South Lawn, what can he see? A park ellipse. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Lo, by the side of the road I beheld a shining Red Hand that commanded: "Don't walk!" Yet rebellious people obeyed it not: They strayed outside the lines into the paths of horseless chariots. And they were cursed. After a time, the hand became the brilliant white image of a Being. But few on the corner could behold this wonder. Most had already crossed over to the other side. (Michael G. Peck, Alexandria) Be warned of the "Devil's Handiwork"! For it is Lucifer who makes bridesmaid dresses -- those purplish abominations that the condemned must pay hundreds for, wear only once, and keep for an eternity. Why do you think they call it SATIN? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) And Last: For it was foretold that the great Bringer of Tidings to the masses shall also devise a source of mocking laughter, wherein a crowned woman should be called a whore, and which should employ the greatest number of idle hands to do the Devil's work. And it wouldst do so for six hundred and sixth-six weeks. And all that the Book didst say has come to pass. (Ken Gallant, Little Rock) Next Week: Questionable Journalism , or Jest Ask ====================================================================== WEEK 671, published July 16, 2006 Week 671: Join Now! Nut-tire: What they're wearing to the Dress Like Hardware ball. Or, as we usually call it, "Hyphen the Terrible": Hyphenate the beginning and end of any two multi-syllabic words appearing anywhere in the July 16 Style or Sunday Arts section, and then define the compound. Each part should consist of at least one syllable but can't be the entire word. Readers on washingtonpost.com after today: Click on "Print Edition" at the top of the page, then on "View Previous Editions." Both halves of the example are from this column. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets the excellent Cat Butts field guide and set of magnets comparing various breeds' butts, donated by Stephanie Yoo of Macedon, N.Y. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 24. Put "Week 671" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The Honorable Mentions name is by Deborah Guy of Columbus. The Revised Title for next week's contest is by Elden Carnahan of Laurel. Report From Week 667, a recurring contest in which we asked you to take any sentence appearing in the June 18-26 Washington Post or on washingtonpost.com and supply a question it could answer. A few of your more nutcase Losers combed through every last word in eight days of papers and submitted hundreds of entries, many of them hilarious. Hence the lopsided representation below. 4 We don't try to be perfect -- we just bumble along, and we don't let a mistake here and there crash our entire existence. What new slogan was written to revive morale in the nuclear power industry? (Russell Beland, Springfield) 3 "I'll do it if you get a man to do it first." What did Lisa Marie say to Michael Jackson on their wedding night? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2 The winner of the half a coffee mug promoting the HalfLytely Bowel Prep Kit: He was an attorney, briefly. What ever became of that kid from the Tom Swifties jokes? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the Winner of the Inker I feel for the guy. Ms. Hilton, what do you do upon entering a darkened room? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) At the End of the Q If you're not the daughter of a hotel magnate and don't enjoy the entree that brings, then perhaps you can trampoline your way to YouTube fame, and be just like Emmalina. What advice was given to graduates at the Vassar commencement address this year? (Deborah Guy, Columbus) The bar's trademark is three deer posteriors over the bathroom doors. I know pawnbrokers use three globes as a sign, but what does the law profession use? (Russell Beland) In late afternoon, most homes without power were in the District. What prompted the D.C. Statehood Party to say, "Tell us something we don't already know"? (Howard Walderman, Columbia) We are not an art gallery. What did Queen Victoria say when Prince Albert suggested she get a butterfly tattoo? (Kevin Dopart) You bear some responsibility for the mess you're in -- because of the choices you've made to be in -- and stay in -- this relationship. Why should I, a voter, worry about the war? (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) What kind of strange things? Would you rather get hit by a bus or have strange things crawling around in your pants? (Elaine Chung, Rockville, and Ramita Dewan, Burtonsville) We should sharply warn North Korea against further escalation. You think Kim Jong Il should keep wearing those elevator shoes? (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) A measure approved in a 298 to 221 vote by a national assembly keeps in place a Presbyterian church law that says clergy, lay elders and deacons must limit sexual relations to a man-woman marriage. What's a good example of how a single comma can make all the difference?(Brendan Beary) "I feel really honored and privileged," said Vigneault, who spent last season with the Manitoba Moose. How did that Canadian guy feel when he finally landed a human girlfriend? (Brendan Beary) The key to getting ahead in life is a writing a good résumé, Sherman. Mr. Peabody, why am I stuck in reruns getting history lessons from a dog while you land a gig in "Dilbert"? (Julius Sanks, Ashburn) But what would you expect from a cold-blooded reptile that has been blindfolded, strapped to a board and inserted into a doughnut-like machine for a computer-imaging test called a CT scan? Didn't Rumsfeld seem awfully irritable when that reporter asked him about Abu Ghraib after his annual physical? (G. Smith, Reston) Three hits and no runs. How does Patrick Kennedy's driving record differ from his father's? (Russell Beland) So if you change one then you change the other. Why does my wife give me a page-a-day calendar every year, and draw little pictures of underwear on each page? (Brendan Beary) Is 5,500 units too much or too little? Looking back on her love life, what does Madonna sometimes wonder? (Brendan Beary) Your laptop has an oozing, suppurating lesion. But little boy, why don't you want to talk to Santa? (Russell Beland) Ramshackle houses were side by side with forges and factories, and the air was constantly thick with smoke and soot. What was it like when you got to the "Under a half-million" portion of the D.C. Tour of Homes? (Russell Beland) They should not be surprised. How do cardiac patients differ from unappreciated housewives? (Russell Beland) Our national bird. What is the one driving hand signal most Americans still use? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Other possibilities on the list: "Lover, Beloved, Love," "Creator, Savior, Sanctifier" and "King of Glory, Prince of Peace and Spirit of Love." What were some of the rejected names for the Three Stooges? (Peter Metrinko) Pick up your pens, people. What did the West Virginia teacher say to the students at the beginning of the SAT session? (Peter Metrinko) The investigators tried a different tack. What happened after the "Wanted" poster fell off the bulletin board? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Since my frame was an older French model, it required an obsolete French bottom bracket. Gerard Depardieu, did the surgeon have any difficulty with your fanny tuck? (Bird Waring, New York; Brendan Beary) Visions of book contracts danced in my head. What happened as Santa's sleigh knocked your husband dead? (Russell Beland) NBC has sent a production crew of 100. Is Brad and Angelina's first attempt to change a diaper by themselves really newsworthy? (Russell Beland) Find the right size cork stoppers from American Science & Surplus at sciplus.com. Can you recommend a natural treatment for my diarrhea? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) With some research you can find out what they are and determine if your neighbors are violating them. What is the first tip in "All About Livestock," West Virginia's handbook for new residents? (Kevin Dopart) Women are good at that! Why are all the Harvard science labs so nicely decorated? -- Lawrence Summers, Cambridge, Mass. (Kevin Dopart) He recently returned from a trip to Sierra Leone, where he was inducted as a tribal chief in the village of Ngalu. Why do people think that Al Gore won't be running again after all? (Michelle Stupak) And Last: When you get your own 1,000th ink, she'll let you do it, too. Does she really sleep with that jerk just because he has a lot of tattoos? (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Next Week: Cut From the Chase, or Perp Prose ====================================================================== WEEK 672, published July 23, 2006 Week 672: Just Sign This Fairly New but Already Far Gone Loser Kevin Dopart of Washington called the Empress's attention to a fun Web site called Atom Smasher, on which you can make your own (pictures of) highway signs like the one here. This week: Write a funny message for an overhead highway sign. Maximum length: three lines, 20 characters per line. You don't need the Web site for the contest, but you can make your own picture (and other signs as well) at http://atom.smasher.org/highway . Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets "The Worst Picture Ever Painted," below, appropriately named many years later by its creator, the unbelievably masochistic Loser Fred Dawson of Beltsville -- the same guy who sent in a photo of his generous gut in the Humiliate Yourself for Ink contest -- who donated it(the painting, not his gut) for his own neighbors to see right here in the paper. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 31. Put "Week 672" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 20. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest and this week's Honorable Mentions name are both by the indefatigable Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report From Week 668, in which we sought some colorful taglines to tell about justice done in various criminal (or comically "criminal") cases, a la the wrap-ups by ex-sheriff John Bunnell on "World's Wildest Police Videos": 4 This con man got nabbed calling out phony bingo numbers -- now he's N4 life. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) 3 This phony doctor forged his license and degree from Penn State. Now he's forging license plates in the state pen. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) 2 The winner of the lobster-scented bath gel: The yoga master embezzled the ashram funds. She'll do a good long stretch in the joint. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker This young hustler is sitting in the pokey -- for poking in the city. (Robert W. Sprague, Alexandria) Petty Offenders They disregarded the zoning laws when they tried to put up that 10,000-square-foot mansion in Chevy Chase -- now they'll finally get their wish for the Big House. (Brian Collins, Olney) He didn't bother cleaning up the surprises his dog left in the neighbors' flower beds -- and now the law is gonna give him a real lesson in doo process. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) For years, he overused the passive voice. Now hard time is being done! (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) The thief was caught red-handed -- and now he's black-fingertipped. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Jane went on a crazed rampage through Linens 'n Things -- now her rap sheet is 300-count. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) The chocolate smudges on the galley proofs tell the whole story -- you just can't have your cake and edit too. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Looks like Bob left the toilet seat up one too many times -- and Mary's not one to take that sitting down. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) This sticky-fingered Snickers-sneaking tot will learn her lesson -- behind the padded bars of her playpenitentiary. (Jer Gallay and Clare Brown, Bethesda) The press secretary's vague euphemisms confused and annoyed us one too many times. Now he'll, er, face a challenge. (Jay Shuck) So what does the arsonist get for his 15 minutes of flame? A long spell in the cooler. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) She thought her e-mail chain letters were harmless fun -- until she ended up Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw:iendless. (Jay Shuck) This man loved women so much he had four wives at one time -- now he'll be the "wife" of four men at one time. (G. Smith, Reston) He was charged with battery -- and sure enough, his new home is a dry cell. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) His wife caught him arranging a tryst on his cellphone, and now he's trying to make nice with a huge diamond. Looks like he faces some high roaming charges. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) The cop at the party saw that she was serving herb in the brownies. Now she'll be serving hard thyme. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) When Rush Limbaugh was caught with someone else's Viagra prescription, he didn't expect a stiff sentence in the penal colony. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The journalist didn't check her facts. Now there's a box reserved for her in the house of corrections. (Kevin Dopart; Jay Shuck) Once again, the tippler tipped over his stein and made a river of beer down the bar -- and this time, he was up Schlitz creek. (Russell Beland) He referred to his wife as "the old lady" -- now he's the one with the false teeth. (April Musser, Atlanta) This foolish girl walked out of the store with jewelry she didn't pay for -- I wonder if she likes the bracelets she's wearing now. (Marjorie Streeter, Reston; Lisa Younce, Key West, Fla.) Busted for both prostitution and possession! High ho, high ho, it's off to jail you go. (Bird Waring, New York) He thought his plagiarism would go undetected -- but high ho, high ho, it's off to jail he goes. (Jay Shuck) And Last: Looks like this joker has been submitting his entries under a pseudonym. Maybe he just needs to go away for a few months to figure out why they call it a "pen" name. (Brendan Beary) Next Week: Huddled Messes, or Grin Cards ====================================================================== WEEK 673, published July 30, 2006 Week 673: Mess With Our Heads France Wins Ugly Contest Perpetual Sneers, Dangling Cigarettes, Stupid Berets Key to Victory Take any headline, verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Post or on Washingtonpost.com from July 30 through Aug. 7 and reinterpret it by adding either a "bank headline," or subtitle (like the joke bank head offered in the example, under an actual Post headline for a World Cup story), or the first sentence of an article that might appear under it. Please include the date and page number of the headline you're citing from the paper; for Web articles, give the date and copy a sentence or two of the story so it's clear what the original was about. Headlines in ads and subheads within an article can be used, too; photo captions cannot. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up scores an only partially damaged ceramic front side of a little duck, below, discovered by the Empress at the thrift store. If you install it as intended, hanging on a wall (the duck, not you), its little feet stick out and you can hang a hand towel on them. We prefer, however, placing it on its back, feet up in the air, in the dead-duck position. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 7. Put "Week 673" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik. The Honorable Mentions name is by Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia (but formerly Alabama and Florida). Report From Week 669, in which we asked for bad advice to immigrants to the United States. Just everyone suggested that we explain that because we are an English-speaking country, we always drive on the left. 4 If you're not sure exactly what someone said to you in English, it's always polite to respond, "That's so gay" or "God, that's retarded."(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 3 Stand at a freeway on-ramp with a handwritten sign that says, "Will work for green card." (Patrick Mattimore, San Francisco) 2 The winner of the "GERM" swim cap from the Germantown team: During the Pledge of Allegiance, place your right hand either over your heart or under your armpit. If you choose the latter, after the words "and justice," pause to punctuate the Pledge with a patriotic toot. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) And the Winner of the Inker Those silver or white bidets in office hallways are available for either sex to use. Shorter people can use the lower ones. (Gordon Labow, Glenelg) Even Wretcheder Refuse Looking for a nice park where you can spread out a picnic blanket? In the U.S.A., we call that "scoring grass" -- just ask any policeman where's the closest place to score some. (G. Smith, Reston) It's not posted, but in Washington, D.C., there's always free parking on a "state" avenue if your car has a license plate from that state. They don't publicize that so that Maryland and Virginia avenues don't get too crowded. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) If you make a down-and-up "check" motion with your finger, the waitress will bring your bill. And if you stand up, wave one arm and grab your crotch with the other, she will show you to the restroom. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) When you select a name for your bogus ID card, use "Lou Dobbs," a common name in the U.S. that no one will notice. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) They may not taste good or seem filling, but you really should eat all your food stamps every month. (Russell Beland, Springfield) To make sure he doesn't spread germs in a public place, such as a bank, a man suffering from a runny nose customarily wears a bandanna over the lower half of his face. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Make sure there aren't any ink blots on the letter you send your new congressman: Dust it with talcum powder or flour before you send it. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) If you're unfamiliar with Washington's Metrorail system, make sure you take your first ride during rush hour. That way there are sure to be hundreds of people who can help you figure out how to use the Farecard machine and turnstile. (Lois Bangiolo, Gaithersburg) To pay the bill in a restaurant, stand, face the waiter, count out loud the exact amount, and then add two pennies, preferably shiny new ones. (Drew Bennett) A common phrase of disbelief is "Bob's your uncle." If the person says, "Beg your pardon?" that is the cue to strike him about the head and shoulders. (Chuck Smith) British visitors should remind the former colonists how much they've missed by being isolated from Britain and the Continent, not to mention how they've bastardized the language. And don't forget to comment upon their odd names. (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire, England) White people will be offended unless you address them as "Mister Cracker Sir." (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Using indoor plumbing every single time just makes you look uppity. (Russell Beland) Americans are very friendly. Always say hello and shake hands with the man at the urinal next to you. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) When asked if you have anything to declare, wink at the customs officer. If he does not respond, wink again. Continue to wink until someone allows you to pass. (Tim Vanderlee, Rockville) As a foreigner, you should carry handy maps of several major U.S. cities. Be sure to circle any interesting buildings, tunnels, etc., that you want to see, and print out from the Internet as much detailed information about them as you can. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) America is a very fast-paced society, so you must drive even faster than you do at home. The fastest drivers are cheered on with noisemakers and flashing lights. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) American farms are all pick-your-own, so just drive in and dive in! This includes beef and dairy farms. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) If you disapprove of the war in Iraq, protest it by burning your green card. (Ned Andrews, Charlottesville) Your country probably has a deep, abiding passion for that goofy sport where people run around kicking a ball and nothing happens. So do we! So come on, talk about it with us all day long -- we just can't get enough! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) You see those guys with "Minutemen" on their shirts? That means they're more than happy to give you a minute of their time. Just go up to them, tell them you've just crossed the border and say, "I'd like you to help me out." (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel; Jay Shuck) Remember when flying in the States to bring your own cutlery for the sumptuous airline meal. (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.) Address young American women as "Miss," while the term for American women over 40 is "you old hag." (Robert W. Sprague, Alexandria) At sporting events, you're allowed to stone people who do the wave. Please. (Russell Beland) To meet your neighbors, it is customary to play very loud music starting around 8 p.m. on Sunday, but don't be surprised if they don't start coming over until after midnight. (Drew Bennett) And Last: A good way to fit in is to wear these super-trendy T-shirts with "Loser" written on them. You don't see many because most people can't afford them, but I'll let you have one for just 50 bucks. (Russell Beland) Next Week: A Test of Character, or Switch Craft ====================================================================== WEEK 674, published August 6, 2006 Week 674: Limerixicon 3 A train and a woman who's loose Share a part that they put to good use: As they pass you right by You can't help but espy Their beguilingly swaying caboose. It's time for our annual visit to the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, whose founder, the heroically steadfast Chris J. Strolin, is still plugging away assiduously toward his goal of compiling one or more limericks for every word in the English language. About this time last year, we helped Chris J. beef up his stock of words beginning with bd- through bl-. Now, as his collection of five-liners has burgeoned from 17,000 last year past the 30,000 mark, he has finally made it to: the C's! This week: Supply a humorous limerick based on any word in the dictionary (except proper nouns) beginning with ca-. The limerick can define the word or simply illustrate its meaning. For the Empress's guidelines on rhyme and meter, see the link at http://www.oedilf.com./ Her standards are stricter than some people's, looser than others. Once we run the results on Sept. 3, you may submit your entries (getting ink here or not) to the Oedilfers as well. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a night light in the shape of a forlorn-looking hula dancer in grass skirt and coconut bra, at right, picked up for us at the famously famous Ron Jon Surf Shop by Ed Gordon of Hollywood, Fla. Well, you wouldn't look so happy, either, if someone stuck YOUR butt in an electric socket. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 14. Put "Week 674" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 670, in which we asked you to compare or contrast two words that differ by one letter: 4 Osama and Osaka: Given five years, the CIA might find Osaka. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 3 Whores and chores: My wife has never given me a list of whores to do on my day off. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) 2 The winner of the rubber skull with eyeballs and stuff inside: Bra and bar: Only one of them will open to serve drinks to minors. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And the Winner of the Inker: Patient and patent: Drug companies will wring every penny out of each one before it expires. (Ben Aronin, White Plains, N.Y.) No Lo(w)er (S)ins Ballet and bullet: Men tend to have the same general reaction when faced with either of them, but unfortunately there's no such thing as a speeding ballet. (Paul Whittemore, Spotsylvania, Va.) The difference between global warming and global arming is W; actually, that's also what they have in common. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) Genial and genital: It's okay to greet your neighbors with a genial wave.(Brendan Beary) George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush: One stopped fighting the war in Iraq; the other fights stopping the war in Iraq. (Rob Kloak, Springfield) The capital and the Capitol: One hosts the seat of government; the other hosts the rear end of government. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Latin and Latina: I don't mind lots of homework conjugating the latter. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) There's no difference between PBS and PMS. They both put me in a state of blind, irrational fury. Then again, so does pretty much everything else. -- A. Coulter (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) God and GOP: It's hard to protect yourself from acts of either. (Yoyo Zhou, Cambridge, Mass.) Bondo and Bonds: One is a synthetic body filler; the other is a body filled with synthetics. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Whiskers and whiskeys: If you have a lot of whiskers when you wake up in the morning, not a problem. (Brendan Beary) Apple and ample: These words mean the same, as in "How 'bout them amples?" (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Bush and bust: The difference between a president and his presidency. (Marni Penning, White Plains, N.Y.) Midol relieves an annoying, recurring headache; Idol produces one. (Ira Allen) Bird and Byrd: One goes with white wine, the other with pork. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bench and belch: People will sit next to you after you show them a nice long bench. (Ned Bent) Bush and blush: One of them demonstrates self-consciousness and the capacity for embarrassment. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Mind and hind: One is a terrible thing to waste, and, well, so is the other . -- J. Dahmer (Chris Doyle) Condi and Bondi: One is diplomatic and pleasant, and the other's a beach. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Chaney and Cheney: One is the Man With a Thousand Faces, while the other is only two-faced. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington; Howard Walderman, Columbia) Mission Accomplished: Failure in Iraq. Fission Accomplished: Failure in Iran. (Chris Doyle) Vader and Nader: Darth ultimately failed to empower the Dark Side. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax) Fast supper and Last Supper: One involves a happy meal. (Art Grinath) The difference between "who" and "whom" is that there are many people whom I believe misuse the latter. (Chris Doyle; Roy Ashley, Washington) Yuri and Suri: One is known for a little cruise made by a space scientist; the other is a little Cruise made by a spacey Scientologist. (Veggo Larsen, Palmetto, Fla.) Copulating and populating: One is when two people become one; the other is when two people become three. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) The difference between a stud and a spud: About 10 years of marriage. (Chris Doyle) World Cup and World Cop: Two things the United States is really lousy at. (Kevin Dopart) The difference between Mt. McKinley and Mr. McKinley is, oh, about 20,325 feet. Plus 6. (Chris Doyle) Pork and park: If you don't know the difference, I'm not letting you park my car. (Mark Eckenwiler) The difference between affect and effect is, uh, see, uh, the difference is that when you affect something, it's affected, whereas when you effect something, it's effected, see. -- G.W.B., Washington (Charlie Wood, Falls Church) Rome and Rove: Only one of them got sacked. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) Film noir is a sultry genre of movie. MILF noir is a sultry genre of mommy. (Tom Witte) Maxima and Maxim: One has an automatic transmission, and the other is for the guy who handles a stick. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) The difference between hag and shag is the difference between oink and boink. (Tom Witte) The similarity between yoga and Yogi is that neither one is anything like the other. (Brendan Beary) And Last: Drive and drivel: You don't need a lot of drive to succeed in The Style Invitational. (Brendan Beary) And Laster: The difference between mature and manure is the difference between A1 and D2. (Mark Eckenwiler; Brendan Beary) And Even Lasterer: The difference between a laser and a Loser is that one is bright and the other is, um, unbright. (Kevin Dopart) Next Week: Join Now! or Breaking and Entering ====================================================================== WEEK 675, published August 13, 2006 Week 675: Cut Us Some Slack You know how it is by August: Your brain deserves its summer vacation already. The Empress's is lounging poolside (well, actually it's judging all those limericks from last week's contest) and so we'll just indolently slap up this contest suggestion from Peter Metrinko of Chantilly: Come up with humorous ways to be lazy. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a very cool and pretty thingy called a hand boiler, which consists of two glass bulbs with coils of tubes between them and colored liquid inside. When your hands warm the bottom bulb, the increase in gas pressure makes the liquid rise through the coils to the top bulb. So it's educational, see? Because it's science! Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 21. Put "Week 675" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The Honorable Mentions name is by Brad Alexander. The Revised Title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary. The hand boiler was donated by Dave Prevar. Report From Week 671, in which we asked you to coin a hyphenated word by combining the beginning and end of any two words in the July 16 Style and Arts sections. A few of your more pathological Losers (accounting for more than half the entries below) must have pored over every last word of two or more syllables in both sections. One of them submitted 187 entries. The Empress awards Karen Bracey, the long-suffering wife of Chris Doyle, a boyfriend pillow. 4 Prob-solutely: A definite maybe. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) 3 Sound-adoxically: How a tree falls in an uninhabited forest. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2 The winner of the Cat Butts field guide and magnets: Hezbol-lywood: Where they make those terrorist video communiques. (Deborah Guy, Columbus) And the Winner of the Inker Politi-geist: Al Gore, he's baaaack. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Missed Connections Suck-istan: Transylvania. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Ca-tock: That NPR show with the two cackling guys from Boston. (Kevin Dopart) Accompa-tus: The extra partner in a menage a trois. "We were joined by the accompatus of love." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Smorgas-wear: Elastic-waist pants. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Taunt-o: The Lone Ranger's first sidekick, the one who called him "Kemoslobby." (Chris Doyle) Down-George: The German chancellor's urgent message to the U.S. president. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Virgin-sult: It used to be that "tramp" was the worst thing you could call a teenage girl. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Blush-mare: One of those dreams where you're naked in public. (Tom Witte) Oy-veyances: Where the seats hurt your tuchis and they serve what they should be embarrassed to call meals. (Kevin Dopart) Prince-phants: Freakishly large ears. "Thank goodness William and Harry don't have their father's prince-phants." (Brendan Beary) Ador-ky: Cute and nerdy at the same time. (Chris Doyle) Mag-nets: The de rigueur accessories touted on "Pimp My Bass Boat." (Bob Dvorak, Saugerties, N.Y.) Privi-lelujah: A shout of joy upon reaching the front of the restroom line. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Self-fest: Well, it doesn't take a pocket scientist to figure out what this means. (Peter Metrinko) Pseudo-harmonic: The sound of an air guitar duet. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Car-ca: Hubcaps, mufflers and other highway droppings. (Kevin Dopart) Fan-ter: The Oh-My-Gosh-Trouble-With-Tribbles-Is-My-Favorite-Star-Trek-Episode-Too school of communication. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Scot-agogue: Temple Macbeth-El. (Chris Doyle) Pun-flection: After hearing someone say "so to speak," racking your brain for the joke. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Pre-jected: When she's decided she's just not into you, even before you've told her all about your bottle cap collection. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Bare-axed: Fired from Chippendale's. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Islam-vice: Whatever horrible offenses committed by those 72 virgins that doomed them to an afterlife servicing a suicide bomber. (Pam Sweeney) Pseudo-room: One of the BRs in many a "2BR" apartment. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Count-spanking: Probably the least effective way to rid the world of Dracula. (G. Smith, Reston) Abom-shell: Disgustingly sexy, e.g., Paris Hilton. (Kevin Dopart) Edu-stick: The newest fad in teaching -- a motivational aid that uses a limb from a hickory tree. (Peter Metrinko) Ene-mans: Ex-Lax coffee cake. (Chris Doyle) Ques-ties: Softball inquiries by suck-up interviewers, e.g., "Mr. President, do you worry that you may be jeopardizing your health by working so tirelessly to achieve freedom around the globe?" (Michelle Stupak) Oklaho-house: Where the gals just cain't say no. (Brendan Beary) Ef-nology: Sex education. (Tom Witte) Nether-plex: A multi-screen adult movie house. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Smorgas-mic: Enjoying a buffet that really hits the spot. (Kevin Dopart) Roo-room: Believe me, you'd rather die than go in there. (Chris Doyle) Prosely-jacked: When what was a pleasant conversation turns to whether you've been saved or were you planning to go to Hell. (Pam Sweeney) Trump-beaver: That thing on top of The Donald's head. (Peter Metrinko) Trou-droponic: Clintonian. (Brendan Beary) Per-vitation: You want me to WHAT? (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) Pre-voiding: Gathering a cup of coffee and the newspaper before visiting the john. (Dave Pre-Var, Annapolis) Tax-raiser: A last-term congressman. (M. Lilly Welsh, Oakton) Tumble-folded: What a bachelor's laundry is. (Brad Alexander) Hang-tendees: The crowd at the surfing championship. (Chris Doyle) Philharmon-dieu: A bad night at l'Orchestre de Paris. (Brendan Beary) Wilder-seum: Future name for what'll be left of the Amazon rain forest.(Jay Shuck) Poly-front: A hermaphrodite. (Tom Witte) Hell-billies: Beelzebubbas. (Chris Doyle) Urine-vitational: See, it's not just poop jokes anymore. (Kevin Dopart) Next Week: Just Sign Here, or Your Way O'er the Highway ====================================================================== WEEK 676, published August 20, 2006 Week 676: Tour de Fours III Correction to This Article An earlier print version of this article errantly misspelled the name of Jonathan L. Kang. The name was corrected in the online version below. maleffectual: What your husband becomes when it's his turn to change the baby eflammatory: describing incendiary blogging trafle: a dessert that's not kosher Here's another installment in the Style Invitational Summer Neologism Series, sort of a Breeder's Cup for the word nerd. It follows the contests to coin a new word ending in -ion (Week 665) and combine two halves of different words (Week 671), and it precedes the one to change a word by one letter and define the new word (Week Not Sure Yet). This week: Coin and define a word containing -- with no other letters between them, but in any order you like -- the letters L, E, A and F. It can't be a new definition for a well-known existing word. You can add a hyphen for clarity. This deluge of neologism must be like a big sampler of candies to Barbara Wallraff, whose "Word Fugitives" column in the Atlantic Monthly (as well as her recent book of the same name) focuses on coined words. In fact, Barbara's book contains a number of classic Invitational entries of past years; you know, maybe she's looking for new material. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a can of genuine alligator meat "simmered in a Spirited Cajun Gravy," plus a bag of not-genuine Moose Droppings (really chocolates) donated by Elden Carnahan of Laurel. NOTE: It happened so fast, we couldn't keep up: Last Sunday, Loser Brendan Beary of Great Mills, yet another fine member of our nation's civil service, became the sixth member of the Style Invitational Hall of Fame with his 500th printed entry, joining the Fabulously Pathetic Chuck Smith, Jennifer Hart, Russell Beland, Tom Witte and Chris Doyle. Though Brendan dipped his toe into the ink as far back as 1996, he did not have more than four entries printed in any year until . . . 2003. And then -- boom. Twelve in the previous two weeks, for example. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 28. Put "Week 676" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte. The Honorable Mentions name is by Brendan Beary. Report From Week 672, in which we asked you to compose overhead highway signs, of no more than three lines, 20 characters per line, that we could "write" on the electric sign on Atom.smasher.org (the winner is depicted here). Too frequently submitted for individual ink: "This Highway Paved With Good Intentions." "This Sign Intentionally Left Blank" and "If You Lived Under This Bridge, You'd Be Homeless." 4 ENTERING NYC INCREASE SPEAKING SPEED(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) 3 REPORT PHONE-USING DRIVERS CALL 202-555-3147 (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) 2 The winner of "The Worst Picture Ever Painted": HONK IF YOU'RE AN IMPATIENT MORON (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And the Winner of the Inker: NOW ENTERING THE WILSON BRIDGE SCENIC REST AREA (LISA YOUNCE, KEY WEST) And a Few More for the Road REST STOP CLOSED CROSS LEGS NEXT 23 MILES (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) SHOW US YOUR HEADLIGHTS! (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) IF YOU LIVED IN YOUR CAR YOU'D BE HOME BY NOW (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) HAVE YOU BELTED YOUR KIDS? (Bird Waring, New York) WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT LOOK IN YOUR REARVIEW MIRROR (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) BRAKE! BRAKE! NEVER MIND. MY BAD. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) END ROAD WORK I MEAN IT. END IT NOW! (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) DO THIS DON'T DO THAT -- CAN'T YOU READ? (Stephen Litterst, Ithaca, N.Y.; Stephen Dudzik, Olney) BRINKS TRUCK SPILL AHEAD EXPECT DELAYS (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) DETOUR AHEAD: HARBOR TUNNEL UNDER WATER (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) NON-TEXT PORTIONS OF THIS MESSAGE HAVE BEEN REMOVED (Jay Shuck) TUNE RADIO TO AM FOR POOR SOUND QUALITY (Russell Beland, Springfield) KEEP KICKING YOUR BROTHER -- DAD CANT TURN THE CAR AROUND (Jonathan L. Kang, Washington) HITTING STATE INSECT: $200 FINE (Michael G. Peck, Alexandria) PUT DOWN THE PHONE NOW AND NO ONE WILL GET HURT (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg) 3 CAR CRASH AHEAD 1 IS FLIPPED BEST VIEW LEFT LANE (Michael Platt, Germantown) WASHINGTON 1 NEW YORK 229 WP: GLAVINE LP: ORTIZ (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) 2 RDS DIVERGE, SORRY YOU CANNOT TRAVEL BOTH (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) HEY YOU IN THE H2 PULL OVER SO WE ALL CAN SMACK YOU (Michael Doughten, Arlington) ALL LANES EXACT CHANGE TOLL 1.95 (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) HONK IF YOU'RE IN AN UNMARKED CAR (Lisa Younce, Key West, Fla.) YOU IN THE PORSCHE! YOU GONNA LET THAT PRIUS PASS YOU? (Art Grinath) I'M JUST DOING THIS TILL I GET A GIG AS A BROADWAY MARQUEE (Brendan Beary) IN CASE OF RAPTURE HELP YOURSELF TO UNATTENDED VEHICLES (Alexander D. Mitchell IV, Baltimore) ORDER 8X10S NOW OF YOUR TRAFFIC VIOLATION PHOTO (Kevin Dopart) ROCK 1 MI FOREIGN POLICY 2 MI HARD PLACE 3 MI (Russell Beland) DAYS SINCE LAST SIGN-FALLING ACCIDENT: 02 (Mike Connaghan) EXITING DC KEEP FAR RIGHT NEXT 2500 MI (Kevin Dopart) RIGHT LANE ENDS 500 INCHES (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) SLOW TO 45 MPH WHEN DROPPING OFF PASSENGERS (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) TIME: 417 PM -- OR IT WAS WHEN WE SET THIS THING (Jay Shuck) ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET? (Joseph Newman, Bethesda) YOUR WAIT TIME TILL NEXT ACCIDENT: APPROX 4 MINUTES (Brian Fox, Charlottesville) GAS THIS EXIT -- MUST BE PRE-APPROVED FOR FINANCING (Drew Bennett) COULD SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TODAY'S ZIPPY? (Jay Shuck) CONSTRUCTION AHEAD A BIG DELAY EXPECTED MEN WRITING HAIKU (Tiffany Getz, Manassas) THRU TRAFFIC KEEP LEFT HAHA! LIKE U R MOVING! I CRACK MYSELF UP! (Cheryl Davis, Arlington) NO HUMMERS PERMITTED PLEASE BUCKLE UP (Art Grinath) ANY OF YOU KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF THE CAPS LOCK? (Kim Herman, Centreville) Next Week: Mess With Our Heds, or Black and White and Rude All Over ====================================================================== WEEK 677, published August 27, 2006 Week 677: The News Gets Verse Dan Quayle Invitational Spelling Bee Ends in Tie The Empress has been immersed up to her diadem in a deluge of doggerel(the cream of the Week 674 limericks will appear next week) as well as thousands of takes on recent Post headlines. So why not put them together? This week: Sum up wittily in verse -- but not a limerick -- any article appearing in The Post or on washingtonpost.com from Aug. 28 through Sept. 4. If you're using the printed Post, please include the date, page number and headline; if you're freeloading from the Web, give the date and copy in a bit of the article. If you live in this area and won't pay 35 cents for a paper, you are a rat. As always, long poems must merit the extra space; four terrific short lines are way more likely to get ink than a pretty good sonnet. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a gross fake ear dripping with fake blood, with even some fake hair on it, all set in a foam hamburger takeout container, below. It's a promotion for some DVD, presumably not "Winnie-the-Pooh Meets Holly Hobbie." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 5. Put "Week 677" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. The Revised Title for next week's contest is by Eric Murphy of Ann Arbor, Mich. Report From Week 673, in which we asked you to write a "bank" headline that reinterprets an actual headline appearing in The Post or on washingtonpost.com that week. More and more Losers systematically examined every headline in every paper all week long, submitting long lists of entries daily. And a lot of them sent in basically the same jokes. Funny but too frequent were entries along the lines of "Military Blimps Report for Duty: Army Relaxes Weight Restrictions for New Recruits"; "Going Once, Going Twice, Going Right in the Closet: Prostate Problems Make Nighttime Bathroom Runs Difficult"; and "Without Beard, Mystics Clinch Playoff Spot: Lady Hoopsters Vow to Keep Shaving in Postseason." 4 Eeeww! Why Do We Wind Up With Prune Fingers at the Pool? Joey's Health-Nut Mom Takes Over Summer Camp Snack Duty (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 3 Bird Flies After Resting It's Been a REALLY Slow News Day (Ken April, Arlington) 2 The winner of the ceramic dead-duck-looking towel hook: Steroids Scandal on Deck for Baseball Hall Voters Some Sportswriters Suspiciously Typing 200 WPM (Peter Beckerman, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker She Says Tomayto, He Says Tomahto . . . Dan Quayle Invitational Spelling Bee Ends in Tie (Fred Winter, Arlington) And Past the Colon A Terrible Tug for the Democrats Party's Woes Began When Monica Hiked Up Her Thong During Pizza Delivery (Rob Kloak, Springfield) Boswell Readies for Fantasy Soccer Post Sportswriter Insists New Beat Is 'In No Way a Comedown' (Steve Fahey, Kensington) What Does It Mean? Clinton's New Book Is Sequel to Acclaimed Study of 'Is' (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Iraq at Risk of Civil War, Top Generals Tell Senators Generals Now to Search Pope for Signs of Catholicism (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) The Last Honest Man Archaeologists Establish That Fossil Is Older Than Adam and Eve (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Raining Champions America's Top Distance Urinators Stream Into Town for Rooftop Finals (Kevin Dopart, submitted from vacation spot Naxos, Greece) Gibson Reportedly Goes on Anti-Semitic Tirade 'Best Christian Theme Park Ride I've Ever Ridden,' Actor Heard to Say (Russell Beland, Springfield) Tejada Is Adamant About Staying With O's Teammates Miffed Over All-Star's Inflexibility at Pregame Tic-Tac-Toe (Brendan Beary) Giants' Shockey Is Left Dazed After Practice Collision But Plans to Keep Practicing Colliding (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Clubbing, Relaxing in Iceland Seal Hunts Aren't Just for Canadians (Kirk Zurell, Waterloo, Ontario) Half the Effort. Twice as Easy. How to Pick Up Homely People Over Forty (Judith Cottrill, New York) Free Optical Mouse Three Blind Mice Protest Outside White House to Demand Release of Their Visionary Leader (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) 7.7 Million to 8.2 Million International Cricket Tournament Gets Underway With Typical Match (Kevin Dopart) Bush Focuses on Domestic Agenda Upstairs Maid, 11 a.m.; Downstairs Maid at Noon (Ed Gordon, Hollywood, Fla.) 25% Off Jockey Pudgy Rider Makes Weight as Amputee (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Boy George to Pick Up Trash in Aug. Heat Warm Weather Best for Dating Bimbos, Singer Says (April Musser, Atlanta) Stop the Band-Aid Treatment Tween Girls Demand Real Bras (Kevin Dopart) Putting Their Mouth Where the Money Is Pickpockets Get Creative With New Technique (Deborah Guy, Columbus) As Bush Outlines Cease-Fire Terms, U.N. Talks Stall Ignoring U.S. President, Security Council Discusses Adding Toilets to HQ (Fil Feit, Annandale) In the Twilight, a Champion Still Looks for a Spark Tonight on ESPN, the World Series of Firefly Catching (Russell Beland) Humbled in Minors, Church Finds Groove Choir Now Sings in Major Keys Only (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) A 10-Year Checkup Retiree Tells of 'Longest Wait Ever' at Internist's Office (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) After Physical, Bush Is Called 'Fit for Duty' Reporters Seek to Clarify: 'Can You Spell That Last Word?' (Brendan Beary) Speed Urged on Expanded Kindergarten 'Just Feed 'Em Ritalin,' School Board Advises as Class Is Enlarged to 35 Five-Year-Olds (Elwood Fitzner; Rob Kloak) 'It Felt Like a Good Place to Start a Family' Couple Arrested for Lewd Conduct at Mattress Store (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Review Finds Shortage of Workers Long-Awaited Review Had Been Delayed Because of Shortage of Workers (Peter Metrinko) Advance, Retreat or Punt New Offensive Coordinator Simplifies Redskins Playbook (George Vary, Bethesda; Andrew Hoenig) Climbing the Charts From His Bedroom Wilt Chamberlain's Life Remembered (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Strong Earnings Reports Boost Stocks And Big Losses Tend Not To (Russell Beland) Big Pronouncements in August Can Haunt You in December Santa Knows If Gibson's Apology Is Sincere (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) When We Want Your Opinion We'll Tell You Post Welcomes Bill O'Reilly as New Ombudsman (Steve Fahey) Fashion Clearance Actresses Submit to Review Panel Before Being Seen in That Atrocious Thing (Judith Cottrill) Chief Links Need for Curfew to 'Irresponsible' Parents Exhorts Children to Keep Mommies, Daddies In at Night (Michelle Stupak) Carpenter's Bruised Thumb Has Improved Construction on Capitol Visitor Center May Resume Next Month (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Bluegrass Cat Rolls Popular Kentucky Snack Attacked By PETA, ASPCA (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.; Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) Feeling Unwelcome, Some Gays Vacate Virginia 'She's a Nice Lady but There Was No Real Attraction' (John O'Byrne, Dublin) The Center Cannot Hold NFL Cracks Down on Illegal Blocks (Pam Sweeney) Next Week: Limerixicon 3, or Anapest Destiny © 2006 The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 678, published September 3, 2006 Week 678: Limerick Smackdown! In the results below and in a special supplement on washingtonpost.com, you will see 45 uncannily clever limericks, drawn from more than 1,000 submitted for Week 674. You will see several by Style Invitational Hall of Famers Chris Doyle and Brendan Beary, winners of our previous two limerick contests and also luminaries on the limerick Web site Oedilf.com. What you won't see are the dozens and dozens of other limericks they sent in -- a total of 43 from Beary and an even 100 from Doyle -- of which almost every one is outstanding. This week, for the first time, The Style Invitational's name will actually make sense: We have invited Chris and Brendan -- and only Chris and Brendan -- to go head to head in a series of 10 limericks with the restrictions listed below. The Empress will rule on the winner of each round (readers will be invited to vote for their three favorite limericks overall) and the winner of the most rounds will be, whatever, The Big Limerician. These guys certainly don't need any more Inkers. The limericks will be posted Oct. 1. Their limericks, in turn, must: 1. Concern an obscure mammal. 2. Explain a scientific or philosophical concept. 3. Be a note from George Bush to Condoleezza Rice. 4. Contain the names of five body parts. 5. Have each line begin with a vowel. 6. Consist of directions on doing some task. 7. Include the word "nasopharyngeal." 8. Contain five consecutive words beginning with five consecutive letters of the alphabet. 9. Be about each other. 10. Be their favorite limerick submitted for the contest below that did not get ink. All you other Losers out there, you get a week off. So just relax. Report From Week 674, in which we asked for limericks containing words beginning with ca-, for eventual posting on Oedilf.com, the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form. As noted above, there were many more worthy limericks than we have room to print here, so we're glad that those hundreds of verses won't be vanishing into the ether. A rare Blind T-shirt goes to Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn., who sent in a limerick extolling, in the first person, filial necrophilia. We can't print it here, but we will send a framed copy to Mr. Brechlin's mother. We also will garb Jane Auerbach of Los Angeles, who offered one that began: "I'll explain 'camel toe' and be blunt -- " 4 She said, " Call me," but later I wondered: Could it possibly be that I blundered? She struck me as shy And demure -- so then why Does her phone number start with nine hunderd?"(Chris J. Strolin, Belleville, Ill.) 3 "An ailurophobe -- ugh," my cats purr. "Your new girlfriend is worried our fur Will cause wheezes and hacks And allergic attacks, So you shan't cast us Persians on her." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 2 the winner of the hula dancer night light: In the Alps lived a foundling so sad, Till one day came a woman, said, "Lad, Don't you recognize me? I'm your ma, can't you see?" "Yodeladyhoo married my dad?" (Howard Spindel, Portland, Ore.) And the Winner of the Inker At Oxford, Bill Clinton dug classes, The campus, the culture, the lasses. When he told us a tale ("Ah didn't inhale"), He was looking through Rhodes-scholared glasses. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) We Couldn't Be Rude / So We Had to Include ... Some women are blessed with a sightly Derriere; some men notice them, rightly. But when one of them stuns, You should not yell, "Nice buns!" "Callipygian!" says it politely. (David Franks, Wichita) As Bizet cadged his beer from the barmen, He groused in a tone less than charmen: "The singers were flat And unsexily fat: It's my fate to be dogged by bad Carmen." (Howard Spindel) The scatterbrained fill me with dread When their actions relate to my head. A barber who's careless Might render me hairless; A doctor might render me dead. (Tim Alborn, Port Jefferson, N.Y.) "Très bien, monsieur, boeuf cassoulet; I shall go tell ze chef, s'il vous plaît." Off the waiter then sped To the kitchen and said, "Yo, Gus! Dogs 'n' beans, right away!" (Brendan Beary) Quite a sight the cad uceus makes; It's the symbol a medico takes: With the healing he brings Signified by two wings; And insurers are shown by two snakes. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) I'm taking a sweet-loving belle To a candy boutique I know well. My hope is my charm'll Be heightened by caramel Or, if she prefers, caramel. (Chris J. Strolin) A cataract surgeon named Hamel Refined his technique on a mammal. He'd flatter and wheedle The beast so his needle Could pass through the eye of a camel. (Chris Doyle) The set for that big photo op Was a carrier Bush strode atop. But you know what was scarier? 'Tween Bush and the carrier, It wasn't clear which was the prop. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Though it sounds a bit callous and cruel, A cadaver's a body that's cool. In Anatomy, Gross, Some sport tags on their toes Boasting, "Ma, I'm in medical school!" (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Old Joe, once a polished crusader, Was burned for his role as invader. At the caucus he said, "Your small state will be red This fall when I pull a Ralph Nader." (Tim Vanderlee, Rockville) "Carburetor," we say in D.C., Although none of our Brit friends agree. For they add in one letter, And say "carbuRETTor." (You know how those blokes love their T.) (Brendan Beary) "High C We Sing," it's our motto, And we boast of a killer vibrato Our sound is unmatched 'Cause we're, well, unattached: You're just nuts if you're not a castrato. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) To understand tangents I strived. Integration I somehow contrived Just to grasp so I'd pass That darn calculus class. Then I knew that at last I derived. (Katherine Hooper, Jacksonville) With a camcorder clutched in your hand (Or affixed to a three-legged stand) You can document all, So to better recall The spontaneous moments you've planned. (Jonathan Caws-Elwitt, Friendsville, Pa.) I make cherry preserves, quite a few, And do a French dance step or two. I put up my jams, My skirt and my gams. I can can and can cancan. Can you? (Carole Lyons, Arlington) The flamenco troupe struggled with debt ; Their star dancer, Inez, was upset. But a wealthy señor Paid the debts off and more. He was caught when Inez castanet. (Sheila Blume, Sayville, N.Y.) The calligrapher gained his renown And he turned his whole trade upside down With a fancy new script At which somebody quipped, "Seems we've got a new serif in town!" (Brendan Beary) The cardinal hates spontaneity; He castigates us for our gaiety: "The Devil's within And your laughter's a sin . . . " That's no way to be treating a laity! (Chris Doyle) And Last: In a limerick contest the spoils Get bestowed to the one who most toils. No use working real hard, I'll just play the ca- card, And then hope my name's next to Chris Doyle's. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Online Only: Read More Honorable Mentions Next Week: Cut Us Some Slack, or Losing on a Sunday Afternoon More Honorable Mentions Sunday, September 3, 2006; 12:00 AM More Honorable Mentions from Week 674 of The Style Invitational, which asked for limericks including a word beginning with ca- : A callous young doctor named Lou Said, "There's good news and bad news, it's true. First, you're terminal, see? It's a new STD. But they're naming the thing after you!" (Chris J. Strolin, Belleville, Ill.) As the chef in the restaurant knows, The beluga is old, and it shows. For a food that's a tempter, It's caviar emptor: Beware of those secondhand roes! (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) A king was regarded as callous. He Was known as a man of great malice. He Claimed that the size Of his tool won a prize. But the queen knew that this was a phallusy. (Richard C. Lewis, Bellingham, Wash.) Wanton romance made Heloise blotto For Abelard, inamorato; Till her uncle's objection To their ardent affection Made him Europe's most learned castrato. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton, Md.) What may look like a commonplace can Is a devious marketing plan: We pay more than we oughter For sweetened brown water 'Cause it's drunk by some babe with a tan. (Paul VerNooy, Wilmington, Del.) To me there is nothing as callous As a fish that will swim up your phallus. The candiru can do it, And surgeons pursue it With a tool that turns "Al" into "Alice." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Is there food in that box? Not a dab in it. But there was till the kids started grabbin' it. No I don't run a tight house; It's just like the White House; There simply ain't much in the cabinet. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) The apostles' new band couldn't quite Make flamenco arrangements sound tight Till John 21:6 Brought a heavenly fix: Jesus said, " Castanets to the right!" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The camouflage helps us to hide As we crawl through the swamp side by side. I have mud head to toe, But I'm thankful to know Even so there is sod on my guide. (Chris Doyle) Though my girlfriend was gneiss at the start, Soon I learned of her cruel, stone-cold heart. She said, "Sweet talc is through, I am done cairn for you." I have not metamorphical tart. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) In a taxi, Minnelli and Gray Rode away from the German cafe With a dancer or three. Crooned the supple emcee: "Ach, divine! What a fine cab array!" (Tim Alborn, Port Jefferson, N.Y.) A couple of wicked old coots Hit the town in their seersucker suits. And ain't it a sin All the things they were in: Inebriate; -souciant; cahoots. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) A calligrapher works as a letterer; For a fanciful script, I can't better her. So I give her my trade For these lavishly made Invitations to parties, et cetterer. (Brendan Beary) To a building that's topped with a yurt, They ride in and make treasures divert From the Capitol steppes; You know each of these Reps Will just take while you give till you hurt. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Imagine my state of elation When she told me she did capitation (Since the root word means "head"); I was let down instead When she levied a flat-rate taxation. (David Franks, Wichita) My inflatable gal who's named Dee Has a twin who's as ready as she. Every day we've a date, And this tryst won't be late 'Cause my carpool's now HOV-3. (Kevin Dopart) In London , a granny named Sue Kept a blade in the heel of her shoe. When she carved up a dame In a lav, she became The old woman who shivved in a loo. (Chris Doyle) On the track, the high hurdles are tough, Since I'm 300 pounds in the buff. When I'm sprinting, they say, "Put your stopwatch away -- Jeez, a calendar's more than enough!" (Chris J. Strolin) The media let out a holla When Madonna starts talkin' cabala. But it means something to us When a newly made Jewess Passes 40 and still gets top dolla. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) That shameless, promiscuous gal o' mine Had a roll in the grass with a pal o' mine. But life can be fair: There was poison oak there, And I've bought out the town's stock of calamine. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The cane, as I'm sure you must know, Is the source of most sugar we grow. Though it's resource-expensive And labor-intensive, Beet's the alternative, though. (Brendan Beary) The harvests of sugar crops wane After many a month without rain, So the farmers of Nod Ask for blessings from God. And the Lord sets a markup on cane. (Chris Doyle) ====================================================================== WEEK 679, published September 10, 2006 Week 679: Ask Backwards 1. Anywhere but a bathtub 2. Texas Nurture 'Em 3. The Bureau of Idiot Affairs 4. Mel Gibson, Rob Reiner and a moose 5. Because it's sooo purple 6. ESPN 37 7. Eating With Scissors 8. Alfred E. Numa Numa 9. Well, why wouldn't she? 10. MyAppendix.com 11. What's left of Tony Kornheiser's hairline 12. The best mnemonic for the eight planets THIS . . . isn't really very much like "Jeopardy!" -- even though we say it is every time we run this particular contest. Then again, this IS The Style Invitational, open (except for last week) to one and all. In any case, here are the answers. You supply the questions to as many as you dare. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets, through the dubious generosity of Russell Beland of Springfield, "The Official Book of Thumb Wrestling," a spiral-bound cardboard collection -- with two holes punched through -- of pictures of various playing "venues," such as a football gridiron and a nuclear battlefield. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 18. Put "Week 679" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Prevar. The Revised Title for next week's contest is by Ken Gallant of Little Rock. Report From Week 675, in which we asked for humorous ways to be lazy. Well, a lot of Losers took us up on the lazy part, fewer on the humorous part. (The majority of people, for example, included a suggestion that we just fill in their entries for them.) It's pretty clear that August had infected just about everyone. 4 If a dirty dish looks clean, interpret it as clean. If a dirty dish looks dirty, interpret it as trash. (Tim Vanderlee, Rockville) 3 Take a cue from miniature golf: Take up miniature jogging. (Michael Fransella, Arlington) 2 The winner of the glass hand boiler: Why spend time each night trying to convince your toddler that there's no monster under the bed? Put one there and be done with it. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) And the Winner of the Inker Use a Segway on your treadmill. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Uninspirations Have some algae and a light bulb implanted in your lungs. They'll make oxygen and absorb carbon dioxide, so you don't have to keep doing all that breathing. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) Just toss a few of your wife's silk blouses in the washer and dryer, and you'll never have to do laundry again! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Suck your chewable vitamins. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Figure out the 10 things you say most frequently and assign a number to each. Wear a shirt with the code on it, and then just hold up some fingers. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Fake paralysis. At the hospital, they will feed you, bathe you, and you don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom. Just don't fake paralysis of the hand, or you won't be able to change channels on the TV.(Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Change your screen saver to look like whatever you are supposed to be working on, so that no matter how long you are out of your office, it looks like you just stepped out. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) Instead of placing a sunshade behind your windshield, use cookie sheets with mounds of chocolate chip dough. Or . . . I know: Instead of cookie dough, put up a couple of frozen pizzas -- then you'll have delivery AND DiGiorno. (Rick Powell, Springfield) E-mail Christmas greetings to one of your sisters and ask her to pass it on. (Kathy Boyce, Herndon) Instead of washing your underwear, just hang it on the blades of a ceiling fan. If you run it on high all night, that should blow out most of the funk. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Instead of resetting clocks at the end of daylight saving time, just tape a "-1" on the face. (Art Grinath) If you just go ahead and induce in the second trimester, labor isn't such a big deal. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Order a pizza delivered in the morning just so you can ask, "Hey, on your way out would you mind tossing that paper this way?" (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) No one will notice if you relax 10 seconds after every 3,000th Nike jersey you sew! -- Maria Valdez, age 14, Honduras (Jay Shuck) Hire a maid, au pair, secretary, cook, gardener and tutor. If she works out, marry her. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Stp typng ths compltly nncssry vwls! (Dgls Plmr, Nnpls; Sth Brwn) Just go to www.mylazyass.com. Then you won't have to think of your own ideas on how to be lazy. (Ted Weitzman, Olney) I talked my friend into taking my wife out to dinner regularly so I wouldn't have to. What's even better is I'm really saving money because they're usually out pretty late, which means she's eating a LOT. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Why water your plants when you can train your dog to do it for you? Saves on exercise, too. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown; Kathy Boyce) Put a motor on your rocking chair. (Jeanie Kunkel, Fairfax) Instead of the hassle of flying to a Caribbean resort, I've found that if I float in the pool with my belly sticking out of the water, I can paste some little plastic palm trees on it and pretend I'm in the sea off my own private island. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Let your HOV dummy do the driving. (Hamdi Akar, Broad Run) Save the effort of applying sunscreen at the beach -- just find a greasy fat person and rub up against her. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) The Sudoku game is much easier if you write a 3 in every blank. If someone tries to correct you, scold him for failing to think outside the box. (Jay Shuck) Outsource your Invitational entries. See, are special good funny much. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Instead of thinking of a decent Style Invitational entry, just send it under the name of someone important. The Empress can't resist showing the world that a celebrity entered her stupid contest. -- Benedict XVI, Vatican City (Sam Bruce, Manassas) Instead of submitting entries to the Style Invitational, just read the results in the paper, then cross out the name of the winner and write yours under it. Instant gratification! (Sasha Lamb, Washington) Get hired by a major metropolitan newspaper and edit and judge a humor contest. The entrants do all the heavy lifting; all you do is pick the best entries and bask in the love and adoration of the readers and contestants for your wise choices. (Roy Ashley, Washington) [Not with this pile of doody, you can be sure.] Next Week: Tour de Fours III, or Quadrelafferals ====================================================================== WEEK 680, published September 17, 2006 Week 680: Rendered Speechless Bob Staake is a big-shot picture person. (You may have seen his work on the Sept. 4 New Yorker cover, a feather in the cap of graphic artists second only to publishing cartoons in The Style Invitational.) But words? Eh. You can do it better. This week: Provide dialogue to fill the balloons in any of these cartoons. Please send text only; don't physically send us little pictures. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a special prize, suggested by Peter Metrinko: Lunch with the Empress at the so-apropos-to-the-results-below Waffle Shop in Alexandria, whose awning famously displays the sign pictured below. If you can't make it -- if you live in Wanneroo, Australia, for example -- you may have a Loser T-Shirt. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 25. Put "Week 680" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The Honorable Mentions name is by Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia. Next week's Revised Title is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. Report From Week 676, in which we asked you to create and define new words containing the letters A, L, E and F, contiguously but in any order. Among the more than 3,000 suggestions, the most common were "Faleure: Being eliminated in the first round of the spelling bee" and "E-flatus: Spam." Also lots on the subject of Mel Gibson: "melfeat," "melafela," "melfauxpas." 4 Afletic: Being able to make "Gigli" and still walk with your head held high. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) 3 Halfaleak-halfaleak: How Tennyson charged johnward in his old age.(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2 The winner of the genuine alligator meat and the chocolate "Moose Droppings": Self-leapfrog: A popular Zen Buddhist game. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) And the Winner of the Inker: AFL-eio: The United Farm Workers. (Fran Pryluck, Amissville, Va.) A Dictionary of Alfe-Baked Ideas Afleccch: Enough with the duck already! (Joe Newman, Bethesda) Alfa-elf: Santa's go-to guy. (Russell Beland, from vacation on Assawoman Bay, Md.) Angleface: What Picasso used to call his models. (Peter Metrinko) Babelfavoritism: A din of inequity. (Chris Doyle) Carafelbow: A repetitive-stress disorder of middle-class winos. (Fred S. Souk, Reston) Copafelt: Groped. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Deaflect: Ignore a question by pretending not to hear it. "Bush can't deaflect as well as Reagan either." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Dieflagrante: To go out with a smile on your face. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Deaf-lien: A Gallaudebt. (Chris Doyle) Do-Re-Mi-Fa-Le-So-Ti-Do: How it was clear at rehearsal that the Three Tenors had had too much vino. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Eiffelated: Given a warm "bonjour" at La Paris Hilton. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) EL-A-F-ingX: The Los Angeles airport as seen from gridlock on the 405. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) E-lafter: lol, lmao, rotfl, rotflol, rotflmao, llal, lois, lola, lool, lolol, lshipmp, lshmbib, lshmsh, ltic, ltip, lub, etc. Anything but "haha." (Erik Agard, Gaithersburg) Elefanta: Peanut-flavored soda. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Felafelass: Mideast slang for cellulite. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Falemactor: A bad guy who's dyslexic. (Mae Scanlan) Halfeuthanasia: Mercy beating. (Kevin Dopart) Heelfart: That embarrassing sound your shoe can make on a polished floor, usually in a room with the acoustics of an echo chamber. (Peter Metrinko) Heflation: The increasing age difference between the arm candy and the arm. (Jay Shuck) Hermaphroditefallacy: Some drivers are men. Some drivers are women. Therefore some drivers are both men and women. (Chris Doyle) Inhalefibber: Clinton, duh. (Chris Doyle) Leafonomics: The belief that money grows on trees. (Michael Peck, Alexandria) Lefadalite: Where you toin to get to the Brooklyn Bridge. (Joe Newman) Lifelay: Spouse. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) Navelfap: The sound made by two middle-aged bellies during lovemaking. (Peter Metrinko) Nippleface: What would be way too mean to call someone with bad acne. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Palefake: Michael Jackson. (Elwood Fitzner) Peaflamer: Evidence that schoolrooms are getting more and more dangerous. (Peter Metrinko) Preflab: Food. (Elwood Fitzner) Reflamingo: To put back your yard art after your snooty guests leave. (Russell Beland) Shelfacade: Den decor featuring sets of impressive-looking books you've never read. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Specula-fetish: Something that will likely limit your dating success. (Kevin Dopart) Towelfare: Treating yourself to the hotel's linens. (Tom Witte) Veranda-elf: The more refined cousin of the garden gnome. (Peter Metrinko) Wife-language: What you'd understand if you really loved me. (Kevin Dopart) Next Week: The News Gets Verse, or Scanning the Headlines ====================================================================== WEEK 681, published September 24, 2006 Week 681: Ticket to Write Having spent her tykehood immersed in now-ancient Mad magazines, the Empress has long been partial to clever song parodies. One problem with parodies: They're not much fun to read if you don't know the song; in past contests, geezers were mystified by a spoof of "Hey Ya," ungeezers by a take on "Begin the Beguine." So we turn to a corpus with which every reputable person of any age is intimately familiar. This week: Write a jingle for a business (or its product), organization or government agency, set to a Beatles song. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a hefty jar of Sultan's Paste (For Strength), a Turkish blend of honey and 41 herbal products that, according to the package, "has been formulated from the original recipe the ottoman Sultan's Referres to on their harem lifes." It was donated by the suspiciously strong-looking Phil Battey of Alexandria. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Oct. 3. Put "Week 681" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report From Week 677, in which we asked for poems based on articles in The Post or on washingtonpost.com from Aug. 28 to Sept. 4. Great week. The editors liked these so much that, as part of their continued effort to liven up the paper to attract more readers, a memo is reportedly in the works announcing that all news copy henceforth will be written as rhyming doggerel, including the stock listings. 4 "Castles With Too Much Overhead" I inherited a castle and I thought I was in heaven. But now I see this fairy tale jumps right to Chapter 7.(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 3 "Adrian Fenty for Mayor" (editorial) Cropp and Fenty, Fenty and Cropp, One's gonna rise, and one's gonna drop. Linda and Adrian, Adrian, Linda, One's through the doorway, one's out the winda. Twelfth of September, voters aplenty Are making a choice. We're betting on Fenty. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 2 the winner of the gross fake ear: "Ex-Colleague Says Armitage Was Source of CIA Leak" Leakity squeakity Richard L. Armitage, Second at State, feels a Morsel of shame: More office gossip than Neocon-spiracy, Seems he's the source of the Valerie Blame. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the Winner of the Inker "Autocrat Leads an Oil-Rich Country" The president of Kazakhstan Is not the world's most kindly man. He pockets bribes, he steals elections, Smiles at puppy vivisections, Yet he suits us to a T. What could fuel this bonhomie? What elusive lubrication Smooths away our confrontation? Shall I name the substance that Makes us love this autocrat? Shall I let the word intrude? That would be . . . crude. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Scoop Doggerel Dogs "SAT Records Biggest Score Dip in 31 Years" and "Pope to Debate Evolution With Former Students" Results of this year's SAT Show steep declines in problem-solving. The pope explains, infallibly: It's no surprise -- we're not evolving. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Mayoral candidate Adrian Fenty is quoted about the police chief: "There's no way [Charles H.] Ramsey is probably going to serve another term." The key is in the "probably": It makes the sentence mean, "The chief will go, unless he stays; there ain't no in-between." For rhetoric this slippery it takes cojones plenty -- There's probably no way the voters can't not go for Fenty! (Brendan Beary) "Couric Sheds 20 Pounds in Doctored Publicity Photo" At CBS, some teenybopper Took Ms. Couric's photo, cropped her, Lopped her, chopped her, Photoshopped her Down to size. And no one stopped her. Katie Couric didn't thank her: Weightiness becomes an anchor. (David Smith) "Polygamist Agrees to Face Sex Charges in Utah" I won't fight Utah's petition That leads to my extradition, Though some thought I'd try to flee. Isn't that so big o' me? (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Nicotine Up Sharply in Many Cigarettes" Higgledy piggledy Modern-day cigarettes' Nicotine levels are Up quite a bit. P.R.-instinctively, Spokesmen aren't speaking -- 'cause Smoke-screening habits are Quite hard to quit. (Anne Paris, Arlington) "Gibbs Unhappy With All Phases" Poor Joe could not believe his eyes, His team had gotten burnt! The offense blew, the defense too, And special teams? They weren't. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) "New Candies are Sweet and Sour and Gross" The trend in children's candy tends to fill me with alarm, A gummy Band-Aid filled with "blood" that you tear off your arm! But to really freak your parents out, here's all you need to know: The prank works even better when they're on an HMO. (Joe Newman, Bethesda) "O'Malley Seeks $200,000 Principal Bonuses" O'Malley wants to change the rules: His way to cure the onuses Of working in our direst schools Is massive signing bonuses (A principal deserves a bounty For working in Prince George's County). And though a pun should be abhorred, I couldn't let the hint rest: A frugal principal who scored Could live upon the interest. (David Smith) "Japanese Women Catch the 'Korean Wave' " A Tokyo she who wants a him Prefers a him who's surnamed Kim. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) "Snyder Adds New Star to His Lineup: Cruise" The amusement potential is kinda right: It's Napoleon playing with dynamite. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Nation in Brief, Sept. 3 To catch the guy who robbed the bank, The cops were all on watch, Till the satchel with the money Went kablooey! in his crotch. A dye pack with a fuse was in The money he'd demanded; And so the cops saw his distress And caught him red- umm, -handed. (Brendan Beary) "Medical Practices Blend Health and Faith" For "rhythm only," this I share: You'd better say another prayer. (George Smith, Frederick) "Rejected as a Planet, Pluto Has a Space in People's Hearts" Twinkle, twinkle, planetoid Out so far in inky void Rocky core with ice encloaked Your planethood has been revoked. Despite the fact you have a moon Your reputation they impugn. But take some comfort in their crime -- They'll all be dead in one year's time.* (Paul VerNooy, Wilmington, Del.) *One year on Pluto is 248 Earth years. "Jennifer Folta Weds Michael Teitelbaum" Folta and Teitelbaum each made a vow The priest and the rabbi drew raves. Mixed marriages seem to be quite common now, Though their ancestors spin in their graves. (Rob Kloak, Springfield) Online Only: Read More Honorable Mentions More Honorable Mentions Sunday, September 24, 2006; More Honorable Mentions from Week 677 of The Style Invitational, which asked for poems based on articles appearing in The Post or washingtonpost.com from Aug. 28 to Sept. 4: "Castles With Too Much Overhead" When you inherit French chateaux And then work through the math, You'll likely join the droves who flee: A Bordeaux Grapes of Wrath. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) "Mixing Bowl's New I-395 Ramp a Ray of Hope" Improvements to the Mixing Bowl Are earning rave opinions: Some folks can drive so fast that they Forget that they're Virginians. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) "Rumsfeld Assails Critics of War Policy" We hope that one day Rumsfeld's forum Will look into their bathroom RORRIM. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) "In Any Language, a Whole Lotta Shakira Goin' On" Music critic J. duLac Saw Shakira, came on back, Got his laptop in a twist, Pretty nearly sprained a wrist Typing out an accolade To the way her hips are made. Nice review, J. Freedom; thankee. Someone get this man a hankie. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) "Legal Penalties in Frauds Are Seldom Paid by Legal Advisers" The godfathers of corp'rate greed Face prison lives quite scary. Avoid the fate of those who lead: Be their consiglieri. (Ken Gallant, professor of law, University of Arkansas) "Scores Investigated in Ikea Bribery Case" Some German prosecutors are at work, I see, In charging some Ikea suits with bribery. I doubt those lawyers understand the task they face; It's bloody hell, constructing an Ikea case. (Brendan Beary) "FBI Shows Off Counterterrorism Database" [The FBI has built a database with more than 659 million records] The FBI has made it clear: More terrorists than people here! (Ken Gallant) "Plan for Enhanced Federal IDs Could Open Door to a Biometrics Boom" New biometric fingerprint cards Can provide a reason to linger; No way to fool security guards, So relax and give them the finger. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "Trap-Jaw Ant's Bite Sets Record" A Costa Rican bug wins entomologists' applause; Among all critters, this one's got the fastest-working jaws. All hail the little trap-jaw ant, Odontomachus bauri -- Who, by himself, could out-jaw Oprah, Doctor Phil and Maury! (Brendan Beary) "A Fuel-Good Story at Summer's End" Thank Zeus that gas is going down, I'm feeling mighty fine. But who'd a-thunk I'd feel this good To pay $2.99? (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) "The President and His Critics Mark Anniversary Along Coast" Hurrily, scurrily, Dubya forages Votes from the delta (An op for the press). Democrats contravene Undiplomatically: "George, where's the levy To fix up this mess?" (Bob Dvorak, Saugerties, N.Y.) "Karr Won't Be Charged in Death of JonBenet" John Mark Karr said "Yes yes yes! I killed the moppet! I confess!" Now John Karr does naught but pout; His DNA done ruled him out. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) "Polygamist Is Arrested in Nevada" That Jeffs guy always gets the girl And, like his name, prefers her plural. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis, where people tend to talk like this) Next Week: Limerick Smackdown!, or Two Aces in a Doggerel Fight ====================================================================== WEEK 682, published October 1, 2006 Week 682: Punkin'd! Though (or because?) we ticked off some of the word-centric folks in the Loser Community this past spring with a contest seeking funny photos of fruit, we're back to play with the rest of the produce, in a contest whose results will run the weekend before Halloween: Send us a funny, clever, entirely original photo featuring one or more pumpkins and/or other vegetables. Fabulous hand-carved pumpkins would be very cool, but digitally altered versions of your own photos are fine, too. You can also use funny captions or titles. Our big fear is that we'll be burned by a jack-o'-lantern stolen from the Web. If that happens, and the creator of that image finds out and contacts us (and you can be sure he will), we will put that person in touch with you directly. We prefer that you e-mail the photos as attachments in standard digital formats (we'll contact you if we can't open them up properly; try for jpegs no more than 1,500 pixels wide) or you may mail them to the address below. (Sorry, photos won't be returned.) Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets, given the enormous effort and time required for this week's contest, a container of Fart Putty, which is supposed to make some sort of noise when you pull it out of the jar, PLUS two whistles in the shape of the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, all donated by Peter Metrinko Esq., the same public servant who also posed for The Washington Post with his underpants encircling his face. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by postal mail to The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Tuesday, Oct. 10. Put "Week 682" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The Revised Title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of North Adams, Mass. Report From Week 678: The first time in its history that The Style Invitational lived up to its name, inviting two premier limerick-writers, Chris Doyle and Brendan Beary, to a smackdown in which they each submitted limericks meeting 10 individual challenges specified by the Empress: The peripatetic (and retired) Chris worked on his entries from Fairbanks, Vancouver and finally Tokyo, while Brendan stayed put on the shores of St. Mary's County. Except for one category that didn't pan out for either of them(each was to write a limerick about the other), they done right good. Round 1: A limerick about an obscure mammal. The coypu has breasts on her back, So whenever her pups need a snack While she floats in the water, This kin of the otter Is glad for her roof-mounted rack. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) In Floridian waters, insanity Rages as man, in his vanity, Powers his boats Through a mammal who floats. Oh, the crimes that we do to you, manatee! (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Tough call between two great punch lines. Point to Beary for sheer funniness and a cooler mammal. Beary 1, Doyle 0. Round 2: A limerick containing five consecutive words beginning with five consecutive letters of the alphabet. I wear long flowing dresses each night; And with makeup and heels, I'm a sight. Then I flounce, watching "Wheel," For my dream, I'll reveal, Is someday to unseat Vanna White. (Beary) A brazenfaced Clinton denies Ever fooling around, then replies, To a question on sex, That in certain respects "It depends on what 'is' is." (He lies.) (Doyle) Point to Doyle for the crafty Line 5, though it's a hoot to imagine the, well, fairly bearlike Beary doing the Vanna thing. Beary 1, Doyle 1. Round 3: A note from George Bush to Condoleezza Rice. Hey, the thought just occurred to me, Condi: You're the gentle persuader, like Gandhi; Dick's the bossy old grouch; I just snooze on the couch -- Cheney's Dithers; I'm Dagwood; you're Blondie! (Beary) At the Cabinet meeting today, Let's make fun of Dick Cheney. What say We start gasping for air And then slump in the chair When he opens his yapper, okay? (Doyle) No doubt about this one. Beary 2, Doyle 1. Round 4: Include five or more body parts. "Oh, my pancreas, kidneys and spleen -- They've been better, you know what I mean? And my lungs never clear . . ." Grandpa grates on the ear With his organ recital routine. (Beary) Since I'm hip that this liver of mine Is a bust, I've been toeing the line. But your wine has a nose Like a cheeky merlot's, So my heart says a nip'll be fine. (Doyle) Another clear winner.Eight yes eight body parts, and seven of them used figuratively. Beary 2, Doyle 2. Round 5: Each line must begin with a vowel. "Eh? You need a spell cast onto Chris? 'E won't know what we've done!" witches hiss. "Eye of bat, ear of horse, Eau de swamp, and of course, Ewe saliva -- now watch his gags miss!" (Beary) All the Russians who live in Rostov Eye an anthracite statue and scoff. It's a new piece of art, And the mayor is smart, As he's hauling the coal thing right off. (Doyle) Ooh, tough one. That's a classic Doyle chiasmuspun in the last line, his stock in trade. But! Beary has not only started every line with an E, but used them, in order, to make the long sounds A, E, I, O and U. Beary 3, Doyle 2. Round 6: Directions on doing some task. The Sudoku is easy to play If you hold your impatience at bay, So just keep a cool head And don't start till you've read The solution the following day. (Beary) Here's a task that for husbands must be Quite demanding, since many, you see, Find it irksome to do When they're using the loo: Lift the seat before taking a pee. (Doyle) Don't know if you'd call either of these directions, but so what, they're funny. Beary's is funnier. Beary 4, Doyle 2. Round 7: Include the word "nasopharyngeal" Indecisive, that's you -- and it shows In your nasopharyngeal woes. A new schnozz every week Is what's made you a freak -- Jacko, once and for all, pick your nose! (Beary) In the nasopharyngeal span 'Tween my nose and my pharynx, I can Mix a dollop of phlegm With saliva -- a gem! Soon the spit will be hitting the fan. (Doyle) Great round. Nice disgusting stuff from Chris, but you can't top Brendan's. Beary 5, Doyle 2. Round 8. Explain a scientific or philosophical concept. Cogito ergo sum: "If I think, then I am," says Descartes. "That don't mean what I'm thinking is smart; I'm a skeptical guy So it may not imply A whole lot, but y'know, it's a start." (Beary) Free will: Since God is all-knowing, He can See beforehand what destiny man In the end must fulfill, So I had no free will When I slept with your sister Joanne. (Doyle) Doyle, hands down. Beary 5, Doyle 3. Round 9. Their favorite limerick submitted for the "ca- word" contest that did not get ink. Little Junior's a finicky kid, So we keep foods' identities hid With deception and games And exotic-type names -- "Calamari" sounds better than "squid." (Beary) A dwarf bent on saving his neck Leaves from Prague on a perilous trek. To a man loading casks At a truck stop, he asks, "Tell me, sir, can you cache a small Czech?" (Doyle) Beary's is fine but not that novel; we think he sent better ones. Doyle's, however, was one of the last limericks cut from the Week 678 pool. In other words, his eighth-best limerick that week was this good. Final score: Beary 5, Doyle 4. Next Week: Ask Backwards, or This Punnish Inquisition ====================================================================== WEEK 683, published October 8, 2006 Week 683: What a Piece of Work What is most foul, strange and unnatural, even with milk? Instant. Here's a variation, suggested by Literary Loser David Smith, on a contest we did in Week 603: Back then, we asked you to write funny sentences using only words that appeared in a chapter of Genesis. Given that a reader or two objected to your taking sacred texts and producing phrases like "flock off," David suggests a secular, but still widely available, tack: String together words in a single scene, or two consecutive scenes, of "Hamlet" to produce one or more funny sentences, preferably unrelated to the original content. The words must appear in the order in which they appear in the play, as in David's own example above, taken from Act 1, Scene 5. You can find the complete play all over the Internet, on sites such as http://www-tech.mit.edu/Shakespeare . Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets Pimp My Cubicle, a kit including a mouse pad that says PIMP, a "bling" keyboard key, and a glittery disco ball the size of a ping-pong ball, donated by Loser Drew Bennett of Alexandria, who as a Marine colonel can't exactly use this stuff at work. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, by fax to 202-334-4312 or by postal mail to The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 16. Put "Week 683" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The Honorable Mentions name is by Art Grinath. The Revised Title for next week's contest is by Roy Ashley of Washington. Report From Week 679, in which, a la "Jeopardy!," you came up with questions for any of the "answers" we supplied: 4 Answer: Eating With Scissors. Question: Who was Dances With Wolves' stupid brother? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) 3 Answer: Texas Nurture 'Em. Question: In what game do you auntie up?(Roy Ashley, Washington) 2 The winner of the thumb wrestling kit: Answer: MyAppendix.com. Question: What unfortunate URL did Microsoft buy for Version 9 of its MyAppend footnoting program? (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) And the Winner of the Inker Answer: Well, why wouldn't she? Question: Does God ever regret creating a world in which a single hormone -- testosterone -- is the root of so much war, belligerence and strife? (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Of Questionable Merit Anywhere but a bathtub Where is a good hiding place for the Wicked Witch of the West? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) In what situation is a toaster more useful than George W. Bush? (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Where would you like to see Barbara Walters and Star Jones settle their differences? (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Where will a 3-year-old willingly get naked? (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) Texas Nurture 'Em At Montgomery County PTA Vegas Nights, what game is now as popular as Five-Card Family Man? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) In what game does a pair beat a flush? (Ted Weitzman, Olney) What did they name the Caesars Palace day-care center? (Ed Gordon, Hollywood, Fla.) What state juvenile-offender rehabilitation program was replaced with Texas Electrocute 'Em? (Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Bethesda) The Bureau of Idiot Affairs What agency uses "The Peter Principle" as its employee advancement handbook? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What Foreign Service division has a consulate in the Paris Hilton? (Michael Platt, Germantown) For its office team-building retreat, which agency schedules a snipe hunt? (Chuck Smith) What agency has a toll-free 900 number? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Mel Gibson, Rob Reiner and a moose Who play Archie, Mike and Gloria in the remake of "All in the Family"? (Miles D. Moore, Alexandria) Who are a giant whack, a giant hack and a giant rack? (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) At the Zoo Speakers Series, who engaged in a heated debate on "Are Some Animals Jewish?" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) If Kirstie Alley and Roseanne are together on one side of a seesaw, what do you need on the other side? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Because it's sooo purple Why did Harvard Professor Timothy Leary say he liked to go to Fenway Park to stare for hours at the Green Monster? (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Why is "throbbing manhood" a favorite phrase of romance novelists? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Why is purple Paris Hilton's favorite color? (Bird Waring, New York; Karen Dunn, Alexandria) How could my doctor tell I was a wino just by looking at my blood sample in the test tube? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) What's left of Tony Kornheiser's hairline What's that stuff growing in Tony Kornheiser's ears? (Gerard Zarchin, Annapolis) What can now join King Canute, the Great Wall of China, Hadrian's Wall and the Maginot Line as a symbol of a failed attempt to hold off the inevitable? (Elden Carnahan; Chuck Smith) What's the only thing thinner than Tony Kornheiser's skin? (P. Farhi, Washington) (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) What is a back-hair combup? (Chuck Smith) Eating With Scissors What was easier for Edward to learn than putting in contacts? (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) What was the blonde found doing after she was told to cut out sweets? (Tom Witte) What is the secret to the Swiss Army Diet? (Andrew Hoenig) What is a euphemism for depending upon coupons to stretch your food budget? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Well, why wouldn't she? What question doesn't a guy want to hear from his buddies on Sunday morning? (Pam Sweeney) Why does that woman think that teetering across a rooftop is going to make me want a mortgage? (Mike Herring, Washington) When Maria Sharapova makes love, does she grunt? (Levi Goldfarb, Temple Hills) MyAppendix.com Where can you find images of what had been the last unphotographed part of Madonna's body? (Kevin Dopart) Who will first report the arrival of The Rupture? (Jay Shuck; Ted Weitzman) ESPN 37 What channel's prime-time lineup includes the Scholastic Jacks Championship, Celebrity Yahtzee and night games of Little League croquet? (Pam Sweeney, Germantown; Joseph Romm, Washington; Drew Bennett, Alexandria) What cable niche channel is devoted to director Kevin Smith, Casey Stengel, Bill Lee, the element rubidium, Cuban primes, Richard Nixon, Nebraska and the 2003 Super Bowl? (Ira Allen) What was the final score of the ESPN vs. C-SPAN football game? (Seth Brown) What sports channel is devoted to watching Tony Kornheiser's hairline recede? (Margaret Welsh, Oakton) The best mnemonic for the eight planets What is "Memorably visible equipment malfunction: Janet showed us nipple"? (Wilson Varga, Alexandria) What is "Meretricious Variegated Etruscan Mystagogues Jurisprudently Soliloquized Unequivocal Neologisms"? (What could be more catchy! -- William F. Buckley) (Steve Fahey, Kensington) What is certainly not Moogy Voogy Eoogy Moogy Joogy Soogy Uoogy Noogy? (Seth Brown) What's a lot easier to remember than the best mnemonic for the 535 members of Congress? (Brendan Beary) What is "Many Virginians e-mailed mediocre jokes saying 'Ur-anus,' no"? (Greg Johnson, Reston) Next Week: Rendered Speechless, or Drawing Blanks ====================================================================== WEEK 684, published October 15, 2006 Week 684: Backtricking Skrod: Fish that are always swimming upstream. eFink: An online writer known for ad hominem attacks. Nword: Something that gets you in really deep trouble. Here's an elegantly simple contest we did 139 weeks ago that produced a wondrous bounty of results, including the conveniently short examples above, by Losers Tom Witte, Mike Cisneros and Russell Beland, respectively: Spell a word backward and define the result, somehow relating the definition to the original word . The backward versions of proper nouns are welcome. You can see the results of the original contest, Week 545, here. Don't send those entries again, please, even though this leaves you with only tens of thousands of other words to choose from. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives the book "Everything I Ate: A Year in the Life of My Mouth," which contains a photograph of each thing the author ate for all 366 days of 2004, from Cheerios to blanquette de veau. (If the Empress had compiled this book, it would have been twice its 496 pages.) Here's the latest generation of Loser Magnets for Honorable Mention winners, created of course by the Honorable Bob Staake. The wording was suggested by Losers long ago in the form of titles for HM results. These magnets will do us for about another year; suggestions are always welcome for the next set. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 23. Put "Week 684" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phyllis Reinhard. Report From Week 680, in which we asked for dialogue to fill the balloons of these four Bob Staake cartoons. Lots of people -- one of whom gets ink -- went with the Goldilocks theme for Cartoon C. 4 Cartoon C: "The ranger called again." "I told you I never saw that hiker. Want some of this power bar?"(Ned Bent, Oak Hill) 3 Cartoon A: "It's not what you think, dear -- I mistook your bra for my toupee!" "Just stay away from me -- it hurts to run right now!" (Kerry Humphrey, Woodbridge) 2 The winner of lunch with the Empress at the "Wafle Shop" in Alexandria: Cartoon B: "Is this a good thing to eat on Yom Kippur?" "Okaaay, Senator Allen, let's back up a little . . ." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker Cartoon D: "I need that cheese for energy." "Go for it. You'll be greeted as a liberator." (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) FOOLING IN THE BLANKS Cartoon A "Soylent Green is spinach!" "Is that why we've got the runs?" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) "Isn't it great how much gas we're saving by jogging to work?" "I just think it's dumb to have to run right beside you so we can use the HOV lane." (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) "I hear caffeine may increase excitability, but I have yet to see the evidence." "Mm-hmm." (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) "Our shadows are freakishly distorted!" "I knew if they messed with Pluto there'd be repercussions!" (Stephen Dudzik) "These hurdler's stretches would be easier if we changed out of our church clothes." "It'd also be nice if you didn't leave your socks lying around the room." (Greg McGrew, Leesburg) "Quick! before they run out of flying hats!" "Oh, no! I think I see a 'sold out' sign on the fingers booth!" (Joe Newman, Middletown, Conn.) "Hurry up, they're right behind us!" "I miss the days when The Post just called to ask us to subscribe." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "But see, Empress, wait, what made my entry the best was that the bartender was in fact a chicken, and -- " "Russell, you gotta get a life!" (Jeff Brechlin; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Cartoon B "What did I do wrong here?" "I think the recipe meant put the lobster in beer, dear, not put beer in the lobster." (Ed Gordon, Hollywood, Fla.) "You're the one who wanted to go out." "Yes, but I thought dinner and a horror movie would be separate events." (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) "Madame Zena, shouldn't you be using a crystal ball for this?" "Usually I do, but it's my husband's bowling night." (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.) "They didn't give us any lobster picks." "We could use our noses." (Roy Ashley, Washington) Cartoon C "Mother is visiting this weekend." "Okay, but I can't promise I won't disembowel her." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Here. One beer: not too hot, not too cold, yada yada yada." "Okay, great. Now go make the bed. And remember, not too hard this time." (Jessica Lynne Mathews, Arlington) "Decaf?" "Yeah, otherwise, I'm up till February." (Jay Shuck) "Ease up, Martha, I'm not feeling well. And I AM man's best friend." "I am not a man. You are not my best friend. So take your own #$%$& urine sample to the vet." (Judith Cottrill, New York) "You call it hibernating, I call it vegging out -- you're watching people play CARDS, for pete's sake!" "You call it antiquing, I call it paying good money for someone else's junk. You're going to DUMFRIES, for pete's sake!" (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Cartoon D Mouse: "Your dad gave me this present." Bee: "Oh, good. I thought he didn't approve of our relationship." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "We face this Weapon of Mouse Destruction every day." "As your national security adviser, I suggest you learn to make your own cheese." (Howard Walderman, Columbia) "I think the people who live here are trying to kill me." "Well, maybe they don't know you're lactose-intolerant." (Kerry Humphrey) "What is this, some kind of trick?" "Yeah, looks like the old bait-and-squish." (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) "Hmm, this'll be tough." "Hey, try pollinating a Venus fly trap." (Jay Shuck) "In that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil . . ." "Hey, buddy, can you hurry it up? I'm on day 20 of a 21-day life cycle, and I'm hungry! (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) "I knew it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart!" "Michael, ya gotta believe me! They said you wouldn't get hurt. They just wanted to scare you. But I never thought it would be . . . a trap." (Cy Gardner) Next Week: Ticket to Write, or Apple Turnovers ====================================================================== WEEK 685, published October 22, 2006 Week 686 [misnumbered]: Thank It Over The Redskins play just once a week. Snot doesn't taste bad. Not everybody at The Washington Post has mature judgment. When we report the results of this contest four weeks from now, it'll be a few days before Thanksgiving. Russell Beland of Springfield suggested: To make sure you'll have something interesting to say when the relatives ask around the dinner table and put everyone on the spot: Tell us some things to be thankful for. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a bobblehead presumably supposed to represent President Bush, wearing a flight suit. The base says "Mission Accomplished." It's from the same people who sent the Schwarzenegger-in-a-dress bobblehead some time ago. That one was better, but this one has a certain nothing as well. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the all-new lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 30. Put "Week 685" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 19. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. Both the Honorable Mentions name and the revised title for next week's contest are by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report From Week 682, in which we asked for songs for a product, company, organization or agency, set to any Beatles song: Every John, Paul, George and Ringo offered a jingle for Viagra set to "A Hard Day's Night," or a deodorant ad to the tune of "Do You Want to Know a Secret?" 3 For Rogaine (to "Help") When you were younger, so much younger than today, You never heeded any thought of wearing a toupee. But now your hair is merely tufts around your dome; It's not just thin -- your next of kin refer to you as "Chrome." Don't let pattern baldness be your bane! We can save your disappearing mane! We can grow your hair back with Rogaine! Try Rogaine, you'll see.(Bob Dalton, Arlington) 2 the winner of the jar of Sultan's Paste (for Energy): Ikea (to "Norwegian Wood") These dressers and shelves, Though they look nice, Don't build themselves. Packed flat in a box, Tight as we could: Ikea wood. Wordless instruction sheets may have you pulling your hair; If you're not careful, your bookshelf may end up a chair. You'll, when you are done, Have a screw loose more ways than one. If something drove you Crazy for good, Ikea would. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the Winner of the Inker Mel Gibson's production company: (to "She Loves You") He loves Jews, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Mel sometimes will imbibe; What he said he didn't mean. He doesn't hate the tribe, He merely loves John 3:16! And when he argued That the Nazis weren't that bad, That was only His impression of his dad. Truuue! He loves Jews, yeah, yeah, yeah! He loves Jews, yeah, yeah, yeah! And with remorse like that, You know you can't stay mad. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Mersey Killings For the Whizzinator drug test cheating device (to "Come Together") He play pro baseball He chock full of steroids He take peptide hormones He got arms like tree trunks He say "Homers, I hit eighty-three! But it ain't worth nothin' If they sample my pee!" Whizzinator delivers perfect pee. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) The CIA (to the end of "I Will") . . . And when we waterboard you, Your cries will fill the air. 'Fess out loud so we can hear you. There's no lawyer sitting near you. And the things you say -- sincere, they will be! Ah, your guts you'll spill. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Dell Laptops (to "Hey Jude") Hey, dude, you got a Dell. It's the laptop of your desire. Remember to trade the battery in, Lest it begin to catch on fire. . . . And anytime you feel the heat, hey dude, retreat, Don't think that they're only trying to test us. And don't you know that it's no joke -- When you see smoke You'll wish that your clothing was asbestos. Ow ow ow ow ow, ow ow ow ow . . . (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Maxwell House (to "Maxwell's Silver Hammer") Joe's a bit morose, virtually comatose, Doesn't want to work. Late night, early morn, his eyes drooping low-oh-oh-oh, Maxwell House's roast, drink it when you need it most, Sugar, cream or black. How'd you like it, Jack, that first cup of jo-o-o-oe? . . . Sip! Sip! Maxwell House's coffee Can get you out of bed. Slurp! Slurp! Maxwell House's coffee's Been known to wake the dead. (Daniel Bahls, Brighton, Mass.) Congressional Page Board (to "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away") Act your age with a page When he's hot and young. Don't admire, don't inquire If he is well hung. . . . Hey, you've got to hide your lust away. Hey, whether you're straight or if you're gay. (Barbara Sarshik and Andy Pike, McLean) To "Norwegian Wood" I once had a girl, or should I say she once had me. She showed me her speedreadingtechnique, Isn't it good -- Evelyn Wood. (Vicki Zatarain, Washington) Tanqueray gin (to "Yesterday") Yesterday, all my woes were drowned in chardonnay, Now I know I've found a smarter way: Oh, I believe in Tanqueray. Suddenly, one big bottle's all it takes, you see, This old sot need not awake to pee. Oh, Tanqueray's the drink for me. (Tom Hafer, Arlington) Cialis (to "Dear Prudence") Cialis restores my manly powers. I'll call the doctor if it lasts more than four hours. My whole world has a clear blue sky. The sun is up, and so am I. Cialis lets me come out to play. (Harvey Smith, McLean) Thorazine (to "Yellow Submarine") In the town where I was born Lived a man who was serene, And he told me of his life Taking phenothiazine. So I gave up all the tea, Said goodbye to nicotine. Now I'm calm as I can be, Using mellow Thorazine. We all live for our mellow Thorazine . . . (Chris Doyle, right now in Beijing, we think) Borden (to "Something") Something in the way she moos Attracts me as an udder lover. Something in the way she moos me. I don't want to leave this cow, You know I believe this cow . . . (George Vary, Bethesda) Date.com (to "Eleanor Rigby") Poor lonely spinster, You'll be a princess with money to match. Oh, what a catch. Drug-addled dropout, You'll be James Bond with a boat and a master's degree. That's what they'll see. All those lonely people, where do they all come from? All you lonely people, who log on Date.com. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Dermablend Dark Tone Cover Cream (To "Get Back") You know that Michael Jackson used to be a brother, Livin' out the pop star dream. He sang us "Black or White" and morphed into the other. Now he needs our special cream. Get Black. Get Black. Get Black the way that you belong. Get Black, Michael! (Howard Spindel, Portland, Ore.) NRA (to "Happiness Is a Warm Gun") So what's to change? -- Wayne R. LaPierre, Arlington (Chris Doyle) Transportation Security Agency (To "Helter Skelter" -- and you didn't remember it even had a tune) Now you put your computer in a bin and your bag on its side, Put them all on the belt and they'll go for a ride, And your shoes and your jacket -- you might see them again. See that trash can, throw in your drink now, And your face cream; don't make me think now. Tell me, tell me, tell me any jokes, I'll get meaner. You can't get around me, I'm an airport screener. Helter skelter . . . (Valerie Matthews, Ashton) Read more, equally singable Honorably Mentioned parodies. Next Week: Punkin'd, or The Gourds Must Be Crazy ====================================================================== WEEK 686, published October 29, 2006 Week 686a:* It's Baaaaack! In a touching display of generosity (by which we mean the most flagrant snub since Loser Kevin Dopart won a lunch date at the "Wafle Shop" with the Empress and asked for a T-shirt instead), veteran Loser Art Grinath wishes to re-gift (actually, de-gift) his prize from Week 672, "The Worst Picture Ever Painted." "Frankly, it scares my cats," Art reports. This week: Explain why you, or anyone else in particular, ought to have this fine oil-on-panel by Fred Dawson of Beltsville, or what it might be used for. Winner gets -- what else? Runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 6. Put "Week 686a" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The Honorable Mentions name and the revised title for next week's contest are both by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. *Because we didn't have enough confusion in our lives, we named last week's contest Week 686 instead of Week 685. Report From Week 682, our second photo contest, this time asking for funny takes on pumpkins and other vegetables. Yes, we used tomatoes in the fruit contest, too. Who are we to say? View the Gallery Next Week: What a Piece of Work, or Alas, Poor Dork ====================================================================== WEEK 687, published November 5, 2006 Week 687: Whatever Were They Thinking? This week we once again pay homage to (i.e., rip off shamelessly) the late and venerable New York Magazine Competition, which under the stewardship of Mary Ann Madden published more than 900 contests before she retired in 2000. John Schachter of Arlington recalls a frequently repeated NYMag contest from years back (one of the winning entries is in the cartoon). This week: Tell us (A) What someone might say in some situation, and (B) what that person was actually thinking when he said A. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives, courtesy of tireless Loser Dave Prevar of Annapolis, a cute little set called Grow-a-Boyfriend and Grow-a-Girlfriend. You soak the little rubbery doll in water, and in a couple of days, he or she will expand to three to four times his or her original size (um, no, it is a consistent expansion, not just certain zones). But eventually, according to the package, little Alice, let's call her, or Aloysius will return to thumb-size. The all-pink lovelies are scantily clad, but they are indeed clad. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the all-new lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 13. Put "Week 687" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Drew Bennett of Alexandria. Report From Week 683, in which we asked you to string together words lifted, in the order in which they appear, from any scene or two consecutive scenes in "Hamlet." Several entrants reported having read the play for the first time just for this contest. Once again, The Style Invitational achieves its primary goal: to improve the cultural literacy of the populace. (Note: The name of one Loser appears below with dismaying frequency. While it might be nice to have a wider variety of reading matter between the parentheses, we'd rather provide you with the cleverest, funniest stuff that goes outside those parentheses: Every week, we run the best entries we found for that contest, period -- no matter whose names are on them.) 4. Act 4, Scene 7, and Act 5, Scene 1: "What a long speech! (Dull ass! Has this fellow no feeling?) The tongue of a politician is full of equivocation. (Every fool can tell!) How long will a man lie, ere we have his hide? (Alas, a thousand times!) (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 3. Act 1, Scene 5: Mark: Lend the secrets of thy young flesh! Youth: His shameful lust holds a seat! Touching my sword. Indeed, upon my sword, indeed. Ah, ha, boy! Come hither, and lay your hands on. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) 2. the winner of the Pimp My Cubicle kit: Act 5, Scenes 1 and 2: My sweet lord. Him, my lord. My, my, my lord. A really wanton ho, you. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker Act 2, Scenes 1 and 2: He's addicted to tennis and it hath made him mad. His service and return, a set down, were nothing but waste, play'd like an old man on his ass. Striking too wide, he has tears in his eyes and speech like a whore a-cursing! (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) Finite Jest: The Minor Plays Act 1, Scenes 1-2: In our state, marriage of gentlemen to gentlemen might not be tenable. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Act 1, Scenes 1-2: Get thee relief. Sit down in the privy upon the throne. That duty done, leave not the flushing before it vanish'd from our sight -- or your foul deeds will rise. (Kevin Dopart) Act 1, Scenes 2-3: On the scale, weighing a little more -- dejected. O God! How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable are fashion, perfume and waxes! (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) Act 2, Scene 1: Wanton, wild gaming! Drinking! Swearing! Scandal! Incontinency! Savageness! A party! A brothel! Hell! Horrors! Fear! Ecstasy! Love! Passion! Sorry. Denied access. (Ron Stanley, Leesburg) Act 2, Scenes 1 and 2: Go a head, make my day, maggots. (Kevin Dopart) Act 2, Scenes 1 and 2: He loosed out his arm, throwing strikes. Whiff, his stick did nothing. Out, out, mincing rogue, out! (Kevin Dopart) Act 2, Scene 2: O dear Ophelia, I love thee -- but take this "Be-No," I do beseech you! For yet is the air a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours from your wind. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Act 2, Scene 2; Act 3, Scene 1: Let us hear from Gore: "My damn'd defeat was made by an ass! The father, too, when he spake, it lack'd something: brains and wisdom." (Kevin Dopart) Act 2, Scene 2; Act 3, Scene 1: Sith Lord, could monstrous force defeat the good force? No, and that suck'd. (Kevin Dopart) ["Sith," by the way, meant "since."] Act 3, Scenes 1 and 2: To be or not to be . . . ay-ay-ay, I forgot the rest. (Ron Stanley, Leesburg) Act 3, Scenes 2 and 3: Julius Caesar, a mouse and a Confederate murderer come into a bar . . . (Kevin Dopart) Act 3, Scene 4, and Act 4, Scene 1: "Wicked good." From New England, I will translate: " 'Tis good." (Kevin Dopart) Act 4, Scenes 2 and 3: Take me like an ape, my lord. I am knavish! My body is by desperate appliance relieved, or not at all. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Act 4, Scenes 4 and 5: I'll be straight. "Revenge of th' Sith": The plot is worth nothing. (Mary Ann Henningsen) Act 5, Scenes 1 and 2: Ay, ha', 'tis, e'en, O, 'twill, i', pah, 'twere, dost -- what dizzy infusion of diction, semblable of not words, but foolery. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Act 5, Scenes 1 and 2: He is without arms. He has no skull, no calves, no hide, no eyelids. O well, he is not perfect. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Act 5, Scenes 1 and 2: Sheet doth happen. (Kevin Dopart) From Act 5, Scene 2: This election mess in the fall leaves both sides damned unsatisfied and gives this sight to the world: unnatural acts, accidental judgments, mischance, plots and errors. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) Act 5, Scene 2: There's a divinity that shapes our ends? Nay, I'm satisfied in nature. As thou'rt a man, things come from a cell; plots and errors happen. (John O'Byrne, from vacation in Gaborone, Botswana) Epilogue 1: Act 4, Scenes 5 and 6: If you desire to know the Loser, know pelican brains! They bore on Sundays. They be slow and dumb. They bore thee much. Knowest, I direct them." -- The Empress, Washington (Kevin Dopart) Epilogue 2: Act 1, Scene 5; Act 2, Scene 1: Would that I may find a life, and never lust this heartily for a shirt so piteous I do not go out o'doors in it! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the Last Epilogue: Act 5, Scenes 1 and 2: Come losing wits some nine year same, Where indiscretion serves you right; For vice, much dirt and willing shame, Only the damned do we Invite. (Kevin Dopart) Next Week: Backtricking, or Mirror Scrimmage ====================================================================== WEEK 688, published November 12, 2006 Week 688: Making Short Work "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." Ernest Hemingway famously wrought exquisite drama and poignancy in that six-word story. Almost as famously (judging from the number of people who e-mailed us), Wired magazine recently asked 33 well-known writers to try to match it. (The results are in the November issue .) They did okay -- it's a tough order -- but they didn't have the motivation of prize magnets the size of business cards. You can do better: You could be more topical, more local and, most of all, funnier. This week: Write a humorous six-word story. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a flimsy metal lunch box promoting Living Dead Dolls, a pricey series of ghoulish collectible figures that we hope are made better than this. Just the thing for little Madison to take to preschool at the Nurturing Garden Institute. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the all-new lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 20. Put "Week 688" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Ken Gallant of Little Rock. The Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Prevar. Report From Week 684, in which we asked you to spell an actual word backward and come up with a definition for the result. The Empress patiently read backward through thousands of entries this week; among the funny ideas that everyone thought of were "noisevelet: a loud device that takes care of children" and "tengam: a very attractive leg." 4. Ih: The standard response to people who cheerily say "Good morning!" at 5:30 a.m. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) 3. Evor: A cloistered madman's grotesque henchman, whose servile repetitions of "Yes, Master!" mask his own nefarious schemes. (Anne Paris, Arlington) 2. winner of the book "Everything I Ate: A Year in the Life of My Mouth": Kazum: File-sharing software that nobody will use. (David Franks, Wichita) And the Winner of the Inker Atnas: The man who bears the weight of the entire American economy on his shoulders. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) More From the Dyslexicon Acacam: A device for filming a politician who behaves like a lower primate. (Anne Paris) Aerok: The site of the latest foreign policy crisis. (John Doucette, New York) Amam: The ultimate ruler. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Amaso: Latin for "I hate you." (Tom Witte) Arn: Rifle: "Hand me muh shootin' arn." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Asip: The largest amount of wine you can drink after you're already tilting 6 degrees. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Ay, Bud!: A false familiarity that serves to assert dominance over one who is not in a position to either object or reciprocate. (T. Blossom, Washington) (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Derf: Someone whose name has become unfashionable. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Demood: To tell your date all about your ex-wife. (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Daniel Bahls, Brighton, Mass.) Drut: Cigar. (Bird Waring, New York) E! but Oog!: A quickly changing reaction to exciting good news when you suddenly realize the negatives. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Edun: No fig leaves in THIS garden. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Egap: The difference between teens' and adults' techno-savvy, or one who suffers from it: "What an egap! He didn't even know about IM transcripts!" (Noah Meyerson, Washington) Elbbub: The demon responsible for keeping your house on the market all year. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Enigami: It's not just a crumpled-up piece of paper -- it's actually a bear, if you take the time to really look at it . . . or maybe it's a dog . . . (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) eRif: The most cowardly way to lay off an employee. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Esebo: A diet pill that doesn't work. (Tom Witte) Eyeder: A bird that flies only from dusk till dawn. (Tom Witte) Ezepart: What acrobats consider swinging by their teeth, compared with filing their health insurance claims. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) F-4: How Cheney flew over Vietnam. (Kevin Dopart) Gnop-gnip: Better onomatopoeia for the same game. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Kartma: A spiritual journey that usually starts late. (Mick Cranston, Eugene, Ore.) Kayak: A boat that is paddled backward and forward equally easily. (Rick Peters, Bethesda) Laffo: The gags comedians save for use on low-rated talk shows. (Stephen Dudzik) Lecrap: Your free gift with any Lancome purchase. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) LeMac: A sandwich made in desert outposts of the French Foreign Legion.(Mike Peck, Alexandria) Megatarts: Target of careful planning when guys go out on the town. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Mop mop: What some ex-cheerleaders shake when their looks finally go. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) NAPS-C: A powerful sedative for those who wish to sleep during daytime. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Niagra B: The cheapest prescription drug in Canada. (Kevin Dopart) Nogatco: A company that manufactures stop signs. (Tom Witte) Nopac: Tupac's decidedly less virile brother. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Minden, Nev.) NU: A Yiddish expression meaning "And so? You expected them to do something?" (Seth Brown) Oozak: The only thing worse than Muzak. (Tom Witte) Oy oy oy: Refrain made popular by the Jewish rapper Cardiologist Dre. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Palwed: Your married buddy, the one with the triple chin. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Pmart: Where did you think streetwalkers got those clothes? (David Franks) Porc: D.C.'s primary agricultural export. (Kevin Dopart) Pot-pit: lowest classification; the absolute bottom. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) Red-negsnart: What your negsnart area looks like right after the surgery. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Rellik: A once-notorious but now mostly forgotten murderer, like David Berkowitz. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Seno: A gambling resort town for the very frugal. (Tom Witte) Spit: One way of showing how much you liked your waiter's service. (Amy Smith, Washington) St. Nemlia: Patron saint of hypochondriacs. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) St. Tub: Patron saint of the big-boned. (Kevin Dopart) Stun OD: The stupor brought on by a sugar rush at Krispy Kreme. (Jim Cottrell, Damascus) Swollag: A suddenly interrupted gulp of air. (Tom Witte) Sydnew: A chewy bit in your chili that you suspect didn't come from a cow. (Paul VerNooy, Wilmington, Del.) Tibo: A replay of one's life. (Tom Witte) Tsal: There ain't no more. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Tubed: Failed on the first try. (Toby Gottfried, Santa Ana, Calif.) Yesnik: Someone who's agreeable to sex anywhere, anytime, any kind. (Tom Witte) And Last: St. Luser: For whom I religiously light a candle each Saturday night. (Kevin Dopart) Next Week: Thank It Over, or Mutiny Against the Bounty ====================================================================== WEEK 689, published November 19, 2006 Week 689: Busted Play Shoot Off Some Ideas for Toys It's that time of year again, by which of course we mean the time for buying idiotic holiday presents for your junior loved ones. Really True Loser Andrew Hoenig of Rockville called the Empress's attention to a patent, publicized by Lawhaha.com and many other Web sites, for a " 'toy gas-fired missile' that is prepared for takeoff by the operator's placing 'the inlet tube with its valve open adjacent to his anal region from which a colonic gas is discharged.' " Who could possibly come up with a more objectionable or stupid toy than a working fart-powered toy rocket? And that's not a rhetorical question, but the answer is still obvious: You can, Loser. Right? Winner receives not a fart-powered rocket, alas, but the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets an exceedingly tacky and super-lame Mistletoe Belt ("for men & woman"), donated by veteran loser Kevin Mellema, which contains genuine plastic mistletoe that can be positioned in whatever place you would like your loved one to kiss you under. It is no more than a conventional-looking men's belt with some little plastic greenery on it. We guarantee that, were you to win this priceless item, it will be delivered to you for Christmas Eve installation, unless you live in the far-off reaches of, say, Lilongwe, Malawi, or Valley City, N.D., or Falls Church, Va. Anyone who thinks it'll be clever to suggest a toy Mistletoe Belt is, sorry, not clever. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the all-new lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 27. Put "Week 689" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte. The Honorable Mentions name is by Roy Ashley of Washington. Report From Week 686(a.k.a. Week 685), in which we asked you to offer up some things to be thankful for. Some people supplied notes of thanks especially suited to the Thanksgiving table; others espoused more generally ridiculous/nasty/cynical sentiments. Most everyone expressed heartfelt thanks for the 22nd Amendment. 4 I'm thankful that Kim Jong Il doesn't have an evil twin. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) 3 That someone found my grandmother attractive. (Tim Vanderlee, Austin) 2 the winner of the the bobblehead of President Bush in his "Mission Accomplished" flight suit: That I'm tall enough that I can't smell my own feet. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) And the Winner of the Inker We should all be thankful that bald eagles taste terrible. Their eggs, too. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) We're Also Mildly Appreciative ... That my daughter has not yet pierced her other eyeball. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) That here in the Washington area we have many wonderful cultural attractions, some of which I might get to one of these days if my relatives come to visit. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) That dogs don't know everyone else hates you. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) For the sophistication of French cuisine, especially their fries. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) That I learned that x = 3 and y = 4, so now I'll be able to help my son with his algebra homework. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) That they don't allow remote controls at the movie theater. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) That O.J. likes to play golf so much -- otherwise he might still be looking for me. -- T.R. Killer, Brentwood, Calif. (Jeff Brechlin) That zombies can be stopped by a sharp blow to the head. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) That it's bags of spinach that kill you and not bags of M&M's. (Russell Beland, Springfield) That you have to admit you have a problem before going through all the other steps. Man, did that save me a lot of time! (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) I'm thankful yo mama so easy. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) That everyone realized Helen Keller was playing up her handicaps for effect. -- R.L., West Palm Beach, Fla. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) That GM doesn't make Hondas. (Rick Peterson, Bethesda) That changing their name from Bullets to Wizards did so much to reduce gun violence in Washington. (Thad Humphries, Castleton, Va.) That Tibet and Somalia probably still don't have nuclear weapons.(Jeannie Kunkel, Fairfax) That no one on my kid's soccer team knows that I'm a doctor, because when the coach's kid broke his leg and people were shouting for a doctor, I was making a run for high score in Tetris on my cellphone. (Jeff Brechlin) That your pets can't testify against you. (Bob Dalton) That old age doesn't last forever. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax) I'm thankful that Uncle Billy finally croaked and I get a chance to sit at the big table. (Rich Carlson, Bowie) I am thankful for this squash from our garden, which cost about $75 to grow. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) That NFL halftimes are only 15 minutes, so we don't have to waste lots of time sitting around the dinner table on Thanksgiving Day. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) That Steve Wynn is not a museum curator or an eye surgeon. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) That Mark Foley was thoughtful enough to put his feelings in writing. (David Kleinbard) That it turns out Ben Cardin ALSO loves puppies -- whew!! (Ron Jackson, Chevy Chase) That I don't understand Portuguese, because that's what the nasty voices in my head speak. (Bird Waring, New York) That there were no wild emu in 1621 New England. (Ben Aronin, Washington) That I don't yet know which aisle of the supermarket has the Depends. (Patrick Mattimore, San Francisco) That my class president elections didn't use Diebold machines. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) I'm thankful for women who love short, cheap, egomaniacal guys. (David Kleinbard) That it actually does get better than this. (Art Grinath) And Last: I'm thankful that for one more week, I don't own that butt-ugly painting. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Next Week: Return of the Butt-Ugly Painting, or How Grate Thou Art ====================================================================== WEEK 690, published November 26, 2006 Week 690: Funnies: How Time Flies One week after escaped felon Billy Keane was captured in a Las Vegas motel, the oddly convoluted map in his possession led police to the shallow grave of Ida Know, 24. Little Billy of "The Family Circus" has been 6 years old for 46 years. Kevin Dopart of Washington suggests that we pull Billy -- or any of his comic strip neighbors in The Washington Post -- out of his time warp to a different age, era or place, and provide a short storyline or dialogue or caption. Don't just say "Garfield is a saber-toothed tiger." Please don't send actual comic strips. You can use any comic that appears regularly in The Post, including "Doonesbury" and "Dilbert," which aren't on the daily comics pages. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives, thanks to Russell Beland of Springfield, a ceramic Smoking Baby, in whose mouth you put little match-size "cigarettes" and light them and smoke comes out. (Russell has been 6 years old for only 43 years.) Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 4. Put "Week 690" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Martin Bancroft of Rochester, N.Y. The revised title for next week's contest is by a whole buncha people. Report From Week 686a, when we asked what ought to be done with the now-famous Ugly Painting by Fred Dawson of Beltsville that was awarded as a Style Invitational prize to Art Grinath of Takoma Park, who returned it to us, reporting that "frankly, it frightened my cats." Most frequent suggestion this week: It's the perfect decor for the Gitmo interrogation room. 4. Donate it to the Hohner Co., to commemorate the first human born with a harmonica in her mouth. (Judith Cottrill, New York) 3. Use it as a fundraising poster to help find a cure for Sudden Infant Hand Syndrome. (Hopi Auerbach and John Garner, Greenbelt) 2. I need the painting back -- it's a portrait of my wife that Fred Dawson painted in 2003 that was lost in our recent move to Minnesota.(See family photo.) (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) And the Winner of the Ugly Painting I should get it because everyone thinks you'll give it to me because that would be funny, but then people will think you would never resort to such a cheap and easy laugh, so they'll be sure you won't give it to me, and that's when you'll fool them. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Mona Losers The NEA could use it for a commercial pleading for more arts education funding. This could be the most effective ad since the one with the crying Indian standing in trash. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) This rare painting of a young Ronald McDonald would make a priceless addition to my Happy Meal collection. (Rich Carlson, Bowie) If you give this painting to me, I'll take care of it even better than that other one -- and it won't be no accident. -- Steve Wynn, Las Vegas (Brendan Beary, Great Mills; Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) I would gaze upon this fine portrait from time to time for renewed inspiration as I continue to chase my dream of becoming a professional artist's muse. The painting, with its simple, unaffected subject and its perfect dimensions, make it the ideal replacement for the missing windowpane in my bathroom. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) Isn't everybody getting tired of that old skull-and-crossbones poison symbol . . . ? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) My mother-in-law deserves this picture because she wouldn't be seen dead with something like this. And she's dead. Bwahahaha. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) The painting should be neatly packed in a box labeled "PROOF THAT GREENHOUSE GASES CAUSE GLOBAL WARMING" and then delivered to the White House. The box and painting will disappear, never to be seen again. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) This ought to be hanging in the Loo, or whatever that French museum is called. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Send it to the art correspondence school on the matchbook with a letter saying, "I couldn't draw Binky, but I painted this. Do I qualify?" And you will! (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) I should get the painting because then I'll have a matched set over my fireplace. (Michael Canty, Yorktown, Va.) It's proof to my students that if they don't study hard and master art appreciation, they'll end up stuck in Iraq. (David Dalton, Arlington) Title it "Muhammad's Mother." Go to Paris and ship the picture, courtesy of the French government, as a gift to the Taliban. They'll take it from there. (Andrew Hoenig) It should be the last thing Saddam Hussein is allowed to see before the blindfold goes on. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) "Fred Dawson" is an anagram for "Dwarf Nosed," and judging by the nose in the painting, this is clearly a cross-dressing self-portrait. These are now illegal in Virginia. Make him take it back. (Jeff Brechlin) You should send this painting to Stephen Dudzik of Olney, who's been dying from an attack of pleonasms ever since 1994, when he complained in Week 48 about this "rare parasitic worm" in a successful attempt to be given a Loser T-shirt. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) There are some scuff marks on my rec room wall that form an uncanny image of the Circumcision of Christ. That creeps me out even more than Fred's picture, so send it to me so I can cover it up. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I want this painting because I believe it contains a clue to another New Testament mystery: Did Mary have a really ugly sister? -- Dan Brown (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) The painting could be used as part of the Turp by Numbers kit, wherein the home artist removes each color in turn, eventually revealing a perfectly good canvas. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.) Because I have just learned that it's absolutely impermissibly tacky to put family photos on the wall, and so I need something to put on the hook. (Jan Hyatt, Severna Park) Maybe there is a Rembrandt underneath, so we better take off the top layer of paint just in case. (Art Grinath) And Last: I should get it because I've discovered I like scaring my cats. (Art Grinath) Next Week: Whatever Were They Thinking?, or Lafterthoughts ====================================================================== WEEK 691, published December 3, 2006 Week 691: Haven't Got a Clue 47 Across Actual clue: Aeneas' foot ailment? New clue: It caused Helen's face to sink a thousand ships. Here's a crossword that appeared in the Nov. 18 Washington Post (see a larger version). The clues to the words ranged from ooh-clever to ah-that's-funny to nothing-special. This week: Make all the clues ooh-clever or at least ah-that's-funny, even the little words. Offer as many as you like (please indicate the number and direction for your clue) and we'll use the best clue for each word, and maybe some alternates. As with many crosswords, you can offer a clue whose answer encompasses two or more of the words in the puzzle. Regular Losers will notice that this is basically a mega-"Jeopardy!" contest. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives two tiny tins of Healthy DessertsTM, in the Carrot Cake and Berry Cobbler flavors. These were on the "giveaway table" here in the Style section, and the Empress, who's famous for snarfing up any comestible within reach, grabbed them along with a third can, Pumpkin Crumble, which she sampled. It was, by far, the most tasteless, bad-textured dessert she had ever tried; even though the can advertised "less than 100 calories per serving" (not to mention "Healthy"), she was astonished that any human being would eat this stuff. It wasn't until she saw a recommendation in that next day's Food section that she realized that it was, ahem, dog food. It turns out that "Dog Treat" does appear on the can, off to the side at the bottom, in white lettering approximately the size of a flea. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get a lusted-after Style Invitational magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 11. Put "Week 691" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 31. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte. This week's Honorable Mentions title and the new contest were both suggested by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 687, in which we asked for jokes in the classic form "What they said / what they were thinking": 4. "Do I blame the president for replacing me? Heavens, no!" [". . . Will I excoriate the buffoon in my memoir? Absolutely!"] (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 3. "As you can see, we make a small, delicate incision in the patient's left atrial wall." ["Oops."] (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2. the winner of the rubbery Grow a Boyfriend and Grow a Girlfriend figures:"Sure, I'll be happy to feed your cat for a few days." ["Sure, I'll enjoy looking through all your drawers."] (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) And the Winner of the Inker "Oh, no, I didn't even notice that zit on your nose until you pointed it out to me." [". . . Rudolph."] (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Sub-Texts "How can I help you?" ["How can I get rid of you?"] (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) "What fragrant perfume." ["Why don't you just wear Magic Tree Car Air Fresheners as earrings?"] (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "Your call is important to us" [". . . though not so important that we'd pay someone minimum wage to answer it."] (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) "We're about to experience some minor turbulence." ["Dang. Where's the page about 'loose wing'?"] (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Telemarketer: "How are you doing this evening?" ["I'm not eating dinner, so why should you?"] (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Guy: "Stunning necklace!" ["Stunning bazongas!"] (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Mechanic: "We've figured out that it's the manifold." [". . . benefits of bilking you."] (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." ["Ugh, I look so fat."] (Roy Ashley, Washington) "To be, or not to be?" ["Methinks I'll go with 'be.' "] (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "The Gallaudet math department stands behind you 110 percent, President Fernandes." ["In base 3."] (Peter Metrinko) "So let's give a welcome to Macaca here. Welcome to America, and the real world of Virginia." ["I just welcomed myself into the real world of imminent unemployment."] (John O'Byrne, Dublin) "I live in a condo in Georgetown." [" . . . with my parents."] (Chris Doyle) "Hi, can I buy you a drink?" ["Hi, will you sleep with me in exchange for a vodka and cranberry?"] (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) "What do you think?" ["And then maybe you'll shut up?"] (Kevin Dopart) "You were awesome!" ["The sex was gratifying, but I must stifle my articulation lest I divulge our intellectual incompatibility."] (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) "Don't worry, Senator, you'll find a job on K Street." ["You know that Burger King near 15th?"] (Peter Metrinko) "I don't understand what those women see in him." ["He won't give me the time of day."] (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." [". . . especially the lies I'm about to tell you."] (Chris Doyle) "Think about what I just told you." ["Because I'm going to repeat it several times to help in the reflection process."] (Chuck Smith) At a meeting: "That's a great question." [". . . because for once, I actually have an answer."] (Kevin Dopart) Bob Dylan: "I was thinkin' 'bout Alicia Keys, couldn't keep from crying." ["Who the @#$% is Alicia Keys?"] (Greg Johnson, Reston) "We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men are created equal." ["Good thing my plantation slaves won't be reading this."](Howard Wachspress, Springfield) "You've put on weight? I couldn't tell." ["Fall asleep on the beach and Greenpeace will push you back into the ocean."] (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) "Now, this mammogram won't hurt at all." ["Just pretend that your breast is caught in the freezer door."] (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) "I don't want to ruin our friendship." ["You're ugly."] (Tom Witte) "I have not yet begun to fight!" [". . . but I HAVE begun to wet my pants."] (Jeff Brechlin; Steve Fahey) George Bush, August 2004: "Our enemies . . . never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." ["Our enemies . . . never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."] (Kevin Dopart) And Lasts: "Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy." [". . . which is worth a big six bucks, while I get piles of money to copy an e-mail and put it in the paper."] (Drew Bennett) "I've had jokes printed on 59 different occasions in The Style Invitational, which is a weekly humor contest in The Washington Post, and quite difficult to crack, if I may say so." ["It's about time I thought of a better pickup line."] (John O'Byrne) "Thanks -- it's just what I wanted!" ["Ooh, she's gonna call this prize The Tackiest Knickknack Ever Manufactured."] (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Next Week: Making Short Work, or The InVItational ====================================================================== WEEK 692, published December 10, 2006 Week 692: Reinkernation Breed Blazing Rate to New Joysey Jeff and name the foal Toid Degree Boin This week marks the third anniversary of the Empress's imperium (the "Under New Mismanagement" slogan on the back of the Loser T-shirts might be getting a bit out of date), which is as good an excuse as any to look back at the past year's contests and do them all over again. This week: Enter any Style Invitational contest from Week 640 through Week 688. There is only one restriction: Every entry must include the word "three" or "third" or a creative variation, as in the example above from Week 656. You may refer to events that have occurred since the contest was printed; for contests that ask you to use The Post from a certain day or week, use today's or this week's. You can find all 49 contests (and about six months more) online at www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational, where the index has been greatly enlarged courtesy of Style Invitational Post.com Superflunky Treena Simington. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a clear plastic coffin promoting "CSI" (pictured, below) and forked over by Post TV writer John Maynard. This sizable tchotchke would make a nice candy dish -- and a tipped-over Inker would fit right in there. We'll also throw in some plastic bugs. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 18. Put "Week 692" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by John O'Byrne of Dublin. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Ponder, Tex. The idea for this week's contest is pretty much by Russell Beland of Springfield; the headline is by Jay Shuck of Minneapolis. The Empress is learning to delegate. Two weeks ago, we awarded the World's Ugliest Painting -- given back to us by Loser Art Grinath of Takoma Park -- to Art himself, who had proved himself literally too funny for his own good. Now he has re-re-gifted the Fred Dawson oil, this time to Michael Canty of Yorktown, Va. Michael was the one who sent in a photo of a painting he'd done himself -- a mirror image of Fred's, but executed with even less flair -- and said he should have Fred's painting so he'd have a matched set for his fireplace. We hope Michael plans to decorate his fireplace with the paintings, not feed it. Report From Week 688, in which we sought six-word stories, in the tradition of Hemingway's "For sale: baby shoes, never worn," but funnier: This contest drew thousands of entries, which isn't surprising given that it doesn't take too long to write six words. But lots of them weren't stories, in any sense of the word, but just epigrams. The best of these included "Virginia Is for Lovers (restrictions apply)" by Bruce Carlson of Alexandria; "Fantasy is Dior. Reality is Depends," by Duchess Swift of California, Md.; and "Liberty University's geology program: 4004 B.C.-" from J.F. Martin of Naples, Fla. Still, we interpreted the word "story" pretty broadly -- as one would have to to admit the Hemingway example -- allowing not only the entries that told a whole little tale in six words, but also those that implied an intriguing back-story (or future-story). 4. She lied. He lied. They lay. (Liz Fuller, Silver Spring) 3. Words failed him. So did she. (Doug Pinkham, Oakton) 2. the winner of the flimsy Living Dead Dolls lunch box: My wife's suicide note: ungrammatical, naturally. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And the Winner of the Inker They suck, Pete Best consoled himself. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) More's the Pithy For sale: Pine coffin, lightly used. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Bang! (Fourteen billion years later . . .) Me! (Paul VerNooy, Wilmington, Del.) Yet the rats never did surrender. (Creigh Richert, Aldie) See, I told you watermelons talk. (Elise Neuscheler, Washington) Bernie fell for Claire. Twelve stories. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "Hey, Billy -- pull my finger." "GRANDmaaaaa . . ." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Last earthling dies . . . what's that laughter? (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) Found: Wedding ring on bar stool. (Doug Watson, Arlington) Snack: Expand. Don't snack: Expand. Snack! (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Gave my husband the wrong finger. (D.M. Searson, Avon, Conn.) "To continue your life, press 1 . . . " (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Went. Worked too long. Returned. (Repeated.) (Julius Sanks, Ashburn) In the beginning I created Myself. (Stephen Dudzik) "I ate just one." "Never mind." (Tom Witte) A Memoir of My Last 16 Relationships: She liked me, then she didn't. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Shhh. No talking in my head. (Tiairra Jackson, Washington) Ed wasn't the same without bones. (Jeff Brechlin) It appears Iraqis don't like liberators. (Dave Rooney, Arlington) "You were magnificent." "You were available." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Found real killer: It was me! -- Orenthal J., Hollywood (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) The first defenestration was an accident. (Daniel Bahls, Brighton, Mass.) Mark Foley! Paging Mark Foley! Wait . . . (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Sis! Since when were we conjoined? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) "Marry me, Ashley." "I'm Mary-Kate." (Katherine Duke, Amherst, Mass.) Giveaway: Labrador, 12 mos. House broken. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) For sale: Sally Hemings, well used. (Steve Norum, Charlottesville) Book one: Milk was expensive, bought the cow. The sequel: Milk went sour, sold the cow. Last in the trilogy: Bought the farm, cow got half. (Art Grinath) Next Week: Busted Play, or Stinkertoys ====================================================================== WEEK 693, published December 17, 2006 Week 693: Everything Being Sequel National Velvet II: After winning the Grand National steeplechase, the Pie is sent to compete in France, where he unfortunately breaks a leg and ends up befitting his name. Incredibly, we've never done this contest before -- or so swears Ultimate Obsessive Loser Russell Beland, who suggested it -- except for one week long ago in which all the entries had to suggest sequels to "Casablanca." This week: Give a brief scenario for the sequel to a well-known movie. If there are already actual sequels, yours must be significantly different from the real thing, duhhh. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a nose-shaped and approximately nose-size pencil sharpener -- you stick your pencil into the left nostril -- donated by Post staffer Jim Stimson. And we'll toss in a key chain with a nose that pushes out whitish blobs when you squeeze it (and retracts them when you let go, pictured, below); the Empress bought this item expressly so she could list "Snot Key Chain" on her expense form. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Dec. 26; even the Empress lets you have Christmas off. Put "Week 693" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. The revised title for next week's contest is by Dave Prevar. Report From Week 689, in which we sought bad ideas for toys. Almost everyone offered a nice variation on Barbie, including Pole Dancer Barbie, Burqa Barbie, Fat Middle-Aged Barbie and Klaus Barbie. Also under a lot of imaginary trees this year: the E-Z Bake Crystal Meth Lab and Baby's First Blowtorch. 4.Junior Engineer's Waste Water Treatment Plant: Kids, process your Numbers 1 and 2 into fresh, clean water you can drink! (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.) 3.Hug-a-Pet Testing Kits: Choose from the Food Additives, Cosmetics and Household Products editions. The perfect accompaniment to the Christmas puppy. (David Franks, Wichita) 2. the winner of the crummy Mistletoe Belt: Mr. Tomato Head. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And the Winner of the Inker The Little Telemarketer Reverse Directory. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Seconds of Fun Catty Cathy: She keeps your little girl's ego in check with phrases like "Nobody wants to play with you" and "Freckles are ugly." (Kirk Zurell, Waterloo, Ontario) Global Warming Ant Farm with Deluxe Magnifying Glass. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) In the new Family Set: Betsy Wetsy and Grandpa Wetsy. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Ascending Virgin Action Figure: Spring-loaded base sends Mary soaring up to 20 feet on her way to Heaven! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Trace Your Own Family Wreath: Lots of genealogy fun for you and your rural cousins. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Serious Putty. (Walt Devore, Gaithersburg) Christmas in Gettysburg: Turn your mother's Christmas village into re-creations of famous battles from history. Holiday revelers become collateral damage and columns of refugees when you add these colorfully detailed figures and accessories. Also available: Christmas in Cannae(with elephants), Yorktown, the Somme and My Lai. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Reindeer Antlers Yarmulke. (Jay Shuck) Lack of Chemistry Set: Kids can play grown-up by simulating the failed dates of adults. Includes scripts for dull, stilted conversations with long periods of silence. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) He Knows Your Name doll: Program Mr. Sleazy with Susie's name and he'll awaken her at random times during the night by whispering, "Susie, I'm watching you." (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) Handlebar-mounted video game. (Art Grinath) Mr. Potato Head "Prophets of Islam" set. (Kevin Dopart) Stack the Iraqis game: Who'll make the biggest pyramid? Pocket camera included so you can remember your best creations. (Ken Gallant, Little Rock; Arthur C. Adams, Laurel) E-Z Bake Coven: Reenact the Salem Trials with this educational toy. Complete with witch figures of all ages! (Tom Witte) My Little Defibrillator. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Saddam Night Light: Put him out with a good yank on the cord. (Kevin Dopart) Fido-bro: The sibling-size leash and collar. Teach your eldest about the responsibility required for pet ownership, and scam some free babysitting hours to boot. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerset, Mass.) Lego September 11 Play Set -- get all three! (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Tsunami Bath Set: Everyone likes to make waves in the tub. Just set up the little villages and let the fun begin! (Kevin Dopart) L'il Critter Spay/Neuter Lab: Everything your future veterinarians need to help Bob Barker keep the pet population in check. (Not recommended for children with younger siblings.) (Jeff Brechlin) My First Humidifier. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton) Home paleontology kit: Dig for your own fossils in eight tons of compacted earth and rock delivered right to your door! Not available in Kansas. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) "CSI: Who's Your Daddy?" Play Set: Kids, with our home DNA test kit, you can finally figure out which of your overnight uncles is going to pay your college tuition. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf; Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia; Kevin Dopart) Iraq 3-D Puzzle: You may not have wanted it, but it's yours now. (Kevin Dopart) The Superman "I Can Fly!" Cape. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Pretend chocolates shaped like moose poop: Not pretend moose poop. Pretend chocolates. Real moose poop. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Of course, a boy would rather have something to play with than something to wear -- but with these pants with a special hole in the pocket, he can have both! (Rob Kloak, Springfield) Milton Friedman's Money Supply & Interest Rate Play Set. (David Dalton, Arlington) Homework Outsourcer Gift Card: Give your kid the gift of quality homework aid, done by a smart kid from another part of the globe. Choose from India, Japan and northern Europe. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) CrackSlacks: When it's too cold to wear your jeans really, really low. Across the rear of these jeans is painted a full vertical crack and matching cheeks in lifelike flesh color -- choose from six shades! (Bob Wallace, Reston) Cabbage Patch Kids Guillotine. (Jeff Brechlin) A doll family: anatomically correct and functional figures of father, mother, son, daughter, grandma, grandpa, family dog, and a pony. What do you call it? The Aristocrats! (Wilson Varga, Alexandria) Next Week: Funnies: How Time Flies, or Changing Our Toon ====================================================================== WEEK 694, published December 24, 2006 Week 694: Hopelessly Ever After "The struggle between parent and child [is] . . . in 'Goodnight Moon' only implicit. Indeed, there's no parent on the scene. . . . Time moves forward, and the little bunny doesn't stand a chance. Parent and child are, in this way, brought together, on tragic terms. You don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to die. But we both have to." These heartwarming reflections on the world's sweetest bedtime story were offered up by Elizabeth Kolbert in the Dec. 4 New Yorker, and shared with us by Awfully Eager to Share Loser Peter Metrinko. We whisper: Hush, woman! This week: Offer up a gloomy interpretation of any ungloomy piece of writing. Seventy-five words max but you can write much shorter as well. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets the book "The Ultimate Guide to Prank University," a handy manual for such ingeniously droll practical jokes as Super Soaker Sink, Itchy Undies, and Filling Your Sleeping Roommate's Shoes With Foreign Liquids. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 2. Put "Week 694" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Bruce Alter of Fairfax Station. Report From Week 690, in which we asked you to transport a comic strip character to another time or place. Many people had Sarge and Beetle not asking and not telling as they ran off to Provincetown together. 4 The gang from "B.C." is moved to A.D., finally allowing the cartoonist to explore Christian religious themes. (Mike Fransella, Arlington) 3.Lucy is busted by state medical authorities for practicing psychiatry without a license after a patient tried to submit an insurance claim for 5 cents. (Jon Milstein, Falls Church) 2. the winner of the ceramic "smoking baby":"Zits": Jeremy Duncan and his mom, who never wondered why Jeremy's best friend, Hector, looks exactly like Dr. Duncan, discover that Hector is Jeremy's half brother. Apparently the good doctor, who is also Hector's mom's dentist, filled the wrong cavity. (Rob Kloak, Springfield) And the Winner of the Inker CATHY ON MARS Illustration by Bob Staake For The Washington Post(Martin Bancroft, Rochester) Mutts "Hagar the Horrible": Hagar has been time-traveling for years, planting old Norse relics in the Canadian Maritimes to be "discovered" by archaeologists. So anyone who tells you the Vikings reached America before Columbus has fallen for a wacky cartoon prank! (This message brought to you by the Sons of Italy organization) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Spider-Man turns 85 and has to wear Wrist-Depends. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "For Better or for Worse": Now working in the porn industry, April traces her loss of self-esteem to the day she decided to drown Farley. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax) Tragedy struck Sacramento tonight as newly elected Governor of California Artur was attacked and killed by a man police have identified as a childhood acquaintance, world-renowned chess grandmaster "Big" Nate. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) 1940: Mary Worth, a high school sophomore, is lecturing a student about smoking in the girls' lavatory. One girl whispers to two others: "You two grab her legs, and I'll stick Miss Goody Two Shoes' head in the toilet." (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) An aged Snoopy chokes to death on a Red Baron frozen pizza; ironically, he has no life insurance. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "Blondie" time-warped, finally, into the actual 21st century: Dagwood makes himself a plate of four-pound tapas. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) "He was here every day -- snow, rain, heat, gloom of night," recalled Dagwood Bumstead, 81, who lives on Beasley's last route. "In fact, I bumped into him just this morning. And he never spoke of any frustrations at work." (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Cath-sandra, Underappreciated Athenian Prophetess: The Oracle of Delphi: "It is the will of Zeus that the sons of Troy will be slaughtered, their bones gnawed upon by dogs -- oh, and this year's swimwear will be French-cut." Cath-sandra (running through streets, tunic flying and laurel wreath askew): AAAAACK!!" (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) "Curtis": Undercover agents Derrick and Onion arrest Gunther for running a bookmaking operation from his barbershop. (Roy Ashley, Washington) "Dennis the Menace," 2036: Under hypnosis, an aging Courtney Love reveals: "That dumb ol' Dennis would never have tea with me. Too prissy, huh? Yeah, what the @#$ does he think now?" (Mary Ann Henningsen) Still extremely short and no less annoying, a middle-aged Dennis the Menace earns the stinging wrath of his home town when he buys the local football team and runs it straight into the ground. (Tom Galgano, Bowie) Russian Military Lab: Dilbert: How do I get rid of this leftover polonium? Walski: I throw mine into the fish tank at that sushi restaurant. (Martin Bancroft) "The Family Circus": With an irrational fear that dead relatives are always watching her, 29-year-old Dolly Keane remains a virgin. (Kevin Dopart) "For Better or for Worse": Through five panels, Mom patiently gets the kids dressed for playing in the snow, struggling with snowsuits, boots, hats, mittens -- and of course one has to go to the bathroom, so she has to dress them all over again. Then in the last panel, they stand on the porch before the freshly fallen snow and stare at the mushroom cloud forming over the nearby city. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Baghdad, circa 820: Frank: I hear that Al-Khwarizmi the mathematician is using zeros! Ernest: Yes, aught-ism runs in his family! (Peter Metrinko) Garfield grows so fat that he takes up the whole panel, not allowing any other characters or even dialogue to appear. This is generally seen as an improvement. (Art Grinath) "Peanuts": The Washington Nationals hire Charlie Brown, 65, as general manager, stating: "He's worked with teams composed of nothing more than a bunch of no-talent kids, a dog and a whining girl -- which makes him perfect for us." (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) Zippy moves to 1950s France to become a playwright but is lambasted by critics as "too accessible . . . a simplistic sellout to the masses." He tries to atone by writing a two-person "Oresteia" for Jerry Lewis and a rhinoceros, but by then his reputation is in tatters, and all is lost. In a final kiss-off protest, he bathes. (Brendan Beary) Next Week: Haven't Got a Clue, or Just Try to Cross Us ====================================================================== WEEK 695, published December 31, 2006 Week 695: Dead Letters The news hit hard, like a punch from a fist. Mickey Spillane is gonna be missed. As we kick the door closed on the year 2006, it's time once again to do the same to those who have kicked their last. This week: Write a poem about someone who died in 2006. As always, poems of more than four lines must be worth the extra space they're printed on. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a pocket-size book of "Zig Ziglar's Favorite Quotations," a collection of motivational sayings that almost rise to the level of platitude, such as "We don't pay the price for success, we pay the price for failure." Ooh. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 8. Put "Week 695" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 28. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's prize was donated by Sushant Sagar of Centreville. The revised title for next week's contest was sent by Martin Bancroft. Report From Week 691 in which we sought clever and funny clues for all 76 words in an actual crossword that ran in The Post Nov. 18, created by bigshot puzzle author Paula Gamache, who'd already included some funny puns in her originals. The Empress received the most entries she'd ever gotten in a single contest -- more than 6,000 (many people decided to try all 76 words) -- but nobody came up with a very good clue for "roc" or "nail." So we turned to Paula herself. She wins a magnet.(We've included the winner and runners-up below, rather than show them out of order.) ACROSS 1. ANGST: Director Lee's emotion upon seeing the box office returns for "Hulk" (Benjamin Cooper, Springfield) 6. ASIA: Response to "Where can I find some good Chinese food?" (Richard Wong, Derwood) 10. BBLS: Bacon, braunschweiger, lettuce and sardine sandwich (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) 14. First runner-up, winner of the dog desserts: TAUPE: It is to "male" as "infield fly rule" is to "female" (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) 15. REDS: First the left wing, now the right wing (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) 16. ELAN: Articles in two languages (several entries) 17. KILLERBEET: He slays 'em on the Borscht circuit (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village; Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii) 19. AUDI: What Lt. Murphy read on his Medal of Honor that made him send it back. (Bill Moulden, Frederick) 20. Second runner-up: ALPINE: What Scarlett said when Rhett told her he was leaving. (Thomas J. Murphy, Bowie; Drew Bennett, Alexandria) 21. ROADTEST: Carjacker's lamest alibi (Arlee C. Green, Newington) 23. TALC: Stone in a celebrity's eternity ring (Martin Bancroft, Rochester) 25. III: How Terrell Owens spells "team" (Charles Trahan, Jessup) 26. SLAP: Reverse a friendship (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) 29. SUPERSTART: Clark Kent's sperm (Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv) 35. HOMES: Detective who got the L out of there. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) 37. ROREM: Composer best known for his appearance in crosswords (Rick Muenchow, Bethesda) 38. DER: Opposite of under (Elwood Fitzner) 39. The winner of the Inker: ISIAH: Thomas à Bucket (Chris Doyle) 40. Fourth runner-up: FDR: A squished-up hat (Toby Gottfried, Santa Ana, Calif.) 41. ASONE: That dam in Egypt -- D. Quayle (Jeff Miller, Brookeville) 43. FEN: With 38 Across, what kept Jimi Hendrix from being just some guy who mumbled (Jerry Miatech, Falls Church) 44. EIEIO: How they answer the phone at the East Indian Energy Independence Organization (Todd Carton, Wheaton) 46. LORDS: Polytheist paean: Praise the ___! (Julie Thatcher, Fairfax) 47. TROJANWART: Why Paris is burning (Gerard Zarchin, Annapolis) 50. FESS: Coonskin hat worn by Shriners (Larry Yungk, Arlington) 51. ETS: The folks who SAT on your college dreams (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 52. SEAT: One of the few places where Britney Spears doesn't have enough coverage (Tom Galgano, Bowie) 54. BIGSHOTS: With 19 Across, Prince Bandar, e.g. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 59. RESCUE: With 54 Across, Bush's domestic policy (Cy Gardner, Arlington) 63. ERAT: Borat's techie brother (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) 64. FRYINGPANT: The Oven Glove's less successful competitor (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) 66. DAZE: Stage C after "Shock" and "Awe" (Irving Shapiro, Rockville) 67. AINT: Are you learning much in your home-schooling? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 68. IONIC: A column that just predates Art Buchwald's (Barbara Turner) 69. SEAR: They've downsized the department store so much they had to change its name (numerous entries) 70. ROCS: Phoenix relatives (Paula Gamache, Rye, N.Y.) 71. STETS: Puts a cowboy hat back on (Chris Doyle) DOWN 1. ATKA: Text message during a prison riot (Jay Shuck) 2. NAIL: Item to be filed (Paula Gamache, Rye, N.Y.) 3. GULP: Plug up (Valerie Matthews, Ashton; Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) 4. SPLITPEA: Lunch for two fashion models (Russell Beland, Springfield) 5. TEENA:"Smells-a Like-a ____ Spirit-a," the Nirvana song covered by Lawrence Welk (Ir-a Allen, Bethesd-a) 6. ARB: Reversible undergarment (Michael Baker, Columbia) 7. SEER: One who trades in futures (Vic Fleming, Little Rock) 8. IDEO: Direct to DVD, a documentary on the life of Freud (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) 9. ASTAIRE: What the Thin Man received after he had his dog fixed (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 10. BEATIT: "Closed" sign at a brothel (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) 11. BLUE: Waiting to exhale (Vic Fleming) 12. LADS: Sex objects. -- M. Foley, Palm Beach Gardens, Fla.) (Chris Doyle) 13. SNIT: Angry people can be found in one (Rick Muenchow) 18. RELS: Bottom of the barrels (several entrants) 22. DISMAL: State of conditions in Iraq if they were to improve markedly (Drew Bennett) 24: CURFEW: WWI ace Fudd: "_______, Wed Bawon!" (Jerry Ewing, Orlando) 26. SHIFT: The key to the capital (Judith Cottrill, New York) 27. LOSER: Anyone who spends a week working on a crossword puzzle with the answers already filled in (Brendan Beary) 28. AMINO: The acid-tongued Marx Brother (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) 30. PODIA: They're pushing up daises (Chris Doyle) 31. ERRORS: Even if immigration restrictions are liberalized, the Bush administration will refuse to admit these. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) 32. ADORE: Worship at Jim Morrison's grave (Michael Baker) 33. RENDS: Breaks into tears (Chris Doyle) 34. TRESS: Hair on a flying but (Creigh Richert, Aldie, Va.) 36. SHEATH: Castilian pronunciation for poop (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) 42. SOFTSPOT: Where you're not allowed to poke the baby (Daniel Bahls, Brighton, Mass.) 45. Third runner-up: INSOFAR: With 42 Down, before- and after-Viagra nicknames. (Kerry Humphrey, Woodbridge) 48. JESTER: Class clown at Shirley U. (Chris Doyle) 49. TERN: What fans of the Byrds do three times to every thing (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 53. AEGIS: "To ___ own," Athena said to Zeus (Kevin Dopart; Phil Frankenfeld) 54. BEDS: With 15 Across, Castro convertibles (Chris Doyle) 55. IRAE: Roman retirement accounts (Kevin Dopart) 56. GAZA: Strip noted for its bombshells (Rick Muenchow) 57. TRIO: Harry Belafonte's new calypso song to commemorate Arbor Day (Jeff Miller; Ira Allen) 58. SYNC: What Lance Bass's career did after he came out (Jeff Brechlin; Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) 60. CANE: Nursing home support staff (Vic Fleming) 61. UNIT: How to call someone a louse via text message (Donna Mountfort, Biglerville, Pa.) 62. ETCS: Lousy grades at Alien U. (several entries) 65. ITS: Oobs. (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Md.) Next Week: Reinkernation, or Threecycling ====================================================================== WEEK 696, published January 7, 2007 Week 696: Send Us the Bill The Fallin-Space Act, which requires the law of gravity to be enforced universe-wide. Below right are the last names of the new members of Congress who took their seats last week. As we ask at the beginning of each term, come up with legislation these freshman senators and representatives might sponsor together, as in the painfully obvious example illustrated above, chosen so we wouldn't get 200 entries with the same joke. (Now we'll just get 50 or so.) Each bill must have at least two sponsors. Among similar ideas, the ink will go to the best explanation of the bill. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets some Heinz Microwaveable Spotted Dick, a canned pudding that people buy in Britain, where they also eat boiled sheep. It was donated by Post movie critic Desson Thomson, who grew up in England and also likes cricket, which may or may not taste just as good. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 16. Put "Week 696" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name was submitted by both Dave Prevar of Annapolis and Phil Frankenfeld of Washington. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 692, in which, on the third anniversary of the Empress's imperium, we invited readers to enter any of the previous year's Invitational contests, with one restriction: Every entry had to contain "three," "third" or some variant thereof. We feel a little bit bad for the several people who sent in long lists of entries but hadn't read the rules. Nah, we don't either. Not surprisingly, this contest drew a high proportion of serial Losers; as we figured, a few of them actually went back, two weeks before Christmas, and delved into each of the past 50 contests. 4. Week 642, neologisms beginning with O, P, Q, R or S: Proctogynomammogram: A woman's three least favorite tests rolled into one convenient, if unpleasant, visit. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 3. Week 641, a name for a combination of businesses: A bank, a ticket service, a tire center and a urologist: One for the Money, Two for the Show, Three to Get Tready and Four to Go (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 2. the winner of the clear plastic promotional coffin: Week 661, retitle an actual movie: "Triumph of the Will": Third Reich's the Charm" (Howard Walderman, Columbia) And the Winner Of the Inker Week 683, string together words from one or two scenes from "Hamlet": Act 5, Scenes 1 and 2: What base may I have, I wonder? I round first, second. A touch, a touch, I do take third! I pray you, part them. Nay? Why, my dear? O villainy! Ho! The door be lock'd! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Nice Tri, but . . . Week 640, state mottoes: Mississippi : See the Third World Without a Passport (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii) Week 648, stupid consumer hotline questions: To Doublemint Gum: I'd like to triple my pleasure -- do I chew a piece and a half? Or should I chew two pieces and pull them out early? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) To 3M: "My son's art project looks funny, and I was wondering just how much Scotch you put in your tape, anyway?" (Jeff Brechlin) To Mars Inc.: What's with all these 3s, E's and W's on my M&M's? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Week 651, add a character to a book or movie: "Richard III": Mr. Ed joins the cast and becomes King of England. (Kevin Dopart) The Bible: Add the Wife of the Third Wise Man: Baby Jesus receives gifts of gold, frankincense and some adorable onesies. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Week 654, creative recycling: The same old Third World countries can be invaded over and over again. It really saves on rebuilding efforts. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Week 656, breed two racehorses and name the foal: Starbucks Day x One Lucky Buck = Need 3 More Bucks (Kevin Dopart) Week 665, coin a word ending in -ion: Safetyation : The effort to outlaw all risk from society, e.g., a three-day waiting period to purchase a glue gun. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Imménagenation: Thinking creatively about (1) how to invite that hottie across the street into a threesome; (2) how to innocuously broach the topic with your wife; and (3) how you'll survive when (1) and (2) don't go as planned. (Brendan Beary) Week 668, colorful wrap-up lines for "World's Wildest Police Videos": This mathematician had his hands all over his date -- but he's not getting to Base Three tonight! (Jay Shuck) As the K-9 units closed in, this criminal ended his three-dog night wishing his mama told him not to come. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) Week 672, electronic highway signs: TIWT Y3H !TIX3 OT 3MIT (Kevin Dopart) OK EVERYBODY--WHEN I COUNT TO 3, SLAM ON YOUR BRAKES. 1 . . . 2 . . . (Elizabeth Molyé, Vienna) Week 673, a "bank" headline for a real headline in The Post: Kaine Seeks $79.5 Million for Education 'I Have 3 Kids to Put Through College,' Governor Explains (Russell Beland) Future Diplomats May Face Less Grueling Foreign Service Exam 'Name Three Bush Administration Successes' Removed From Test (Kevin Dopart) Man Carrying a Laptop Is Sought Three Area Residents Found Not to Fit This Description (Kevin Dopart) Week 674, limericks that include a word beginning with ca-: In the Land of the Ever-Facetious, A new fiat strikes many as specious, As the Empress decrees, "All your jokes must use threes." So it goes on the Isle of Capricious. (Brendan Beary) Week 683, string together words from "Hamlet": Act 3, Scene 2: It offends me to hear the dumbshows and noise. Dull and tedious Queen rock thy brain, groaning and worse, croaking. Drugs and midnight weeds thrice blasted the ears. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) Week 684, backwards words: Dworc: A third wheel. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Week 687, what was said vs. what was thought: Upon visiting your 3-year-old grandson: "What a big boy you are!"(Do you think your parents might get you toilet-trained in time for your wedding?) (Howard Walderman) Week 688, six-word stories: Wanted: baby shoes, set of three. (Jay Shuck) One car, two teenagers, three trimesters. (Russell Beland) Next Week: Everything Being Sequel, or Dis, Continued ====================================================================== WEEK 697, published January 14, 2007 Week 697: We Beg You to Differ A drunken kangaroo is madly hopping; staying the course has people hopping mad. a drunken kangaroo a prescription for Levitra the new speaker of the House a teacup Chihuahua staying the course a Mini Cooper convertible a urine sample the Washington Nationals Shakira's hips a Cheez Whiz souffle 24 cents plus tax 11 pipers piping the Poincaré Conjecture Kim Jong Il's pompadour a Style Invitational Loser magnet This week, an Invitational favorite: Take any two items from the truly random list above -- really, the Empress just threw a dart 15 times at various parts of her brain -- and explain why they are different or why they are similar. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a promotional copy of "Black and Blue," a CD by "Roy D. Mercer," a character created by Brent Douglas, a Tulsa radio host who calls up people to play practical jokes on them, usually accusing them of having wronged him, and promising "an ass-whupping." Right there on the CD case is the testimonial "It ain't funny!" Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 22. Put "Week 697" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 11. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Roy Ashley of Washington. The revised title for next week's contest is by Dave Prevar of Annapolis. Report From Week 693, in which we asked for fanciful sequels to actual movies. Offered by many was something like "Passion of the Christ II: The Second Coming: He's back . . . and he's mad!" (The folks from "Family Guy" already did a little video with that one, though.) 4 "Bonnie and Clyde II": The troopers just keep shooting into the car for another 127 minutes. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 3 "Snakes on a Blimp": Hey, what's that hissing noise . . . hey, what's that BIG hissing noise? (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) 2 the winner of the nostril pencil sharpener and snot key chain: "Kramer vs. Kramer: The Next Generation": Ted and Joanna reconcile and have another son. But little Cosmo goes terribly wrong. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) And the Winner of the Inker "Gandhi II": No more Mister Nice Guy! (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) On the Cutting Room Floor "Upper West Side Story": The remaining Jets grow up and become bond traders, taking ballet classes in their off-hours. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) "Brokeback Molehill": Even in the rural West, some traditional attitudes are softening, so Ennis's new love interest is just no big deal. (Russell Beland) "The Other 603 Commandments": Moses sits up there on Mount Sinai taking notes about such topics as pigeon sacrifice and whether bats are kosher. Except for the slightly racy Commandments 82 through 105, which cover forbidden sexual relations, the tale is a bit short of epic. (Andrew Schneider, Fairfax) "Amadeus II": Mozart's Requiem is ready for posthumous production when the scheming impresario Snydieri closes Vienna's last concert hall.(Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "The Great Escape 2": Capt. Hilts, in another daring escape attempt, makes it out of the camp but wrecks his motorcycle trying to avoid a governess and her seven children. (Tom Galgano, Bowie) "A Brief History of Time 2: Downforce": When Stephen Hawking is dropped off a 20-story building as the result of a David Letterman prank gone horribly wrong, his valuable brain is transplanted into the nearest available body, which happens to be that of the guest immediately before Hawking, Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Andrew Malone, Washington) "War of the Worlds II": Back on Mars, the invaders smack their three-fingered hands against what passes for their foreheads, brew up a batch of penicillin and prepare to try again. (Andrew Schneider) "Rocky 13": Rocky Balboa, now 92, winds up in the same nursing home as his nemesis Clubber Lang, 87. The rivalry is reignited after their wheelchairs bump on the way to bingo. They throw some Jell-O at each other, then take a nap. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) "Seventy Brides for Seven Brothers": The brothers relocate to the Utah mountains. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) "It's a Wonderful Life for You, Maybe": An angel shows an elderly George Bailey how much happier everyone he knows would be without the burden of taking care of him. (Beth Baniszewski) "You've Got Spam": Kathleen breaks up with Joe and fears she'll never love again, until she starts a new e-mail relationship with a Nigerian banker. (Brendan Beary) "Pay Per Moon": Addie gives up the grift and settles down to an honest life as a stripper. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase) "Rear Window 2": Jeff is hired to apply his knowledge of photography, lenses and lighting to develop the first colonoscopy camera. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) "Old Yeller II: Night of the Living Dog": Rabies and a bullet to the head can't keep down a vengeful undead hound. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf; Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) "Ferris Bueller's Flex Day": Our hero, all grown up, spends a day away from the office waiting for the cable guy to arrive, paying bills, mowing his lawn and finally sneaking in that trip to the bank he's been needing to make. (Russell Beland) "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind II": Two lovers are so happy with each other that they erase everything except their memories together. Unfortunately, they thus lose the ability to drive, work and feed themselves, and they perish in a few romantic weeks. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "An American Tail 2007": The cute little mouse gets to the border, sees a big fence, and goes back to his house. -- Rep. Tom Tancredo, R-Colo. (Matthew Hertz, Buffalo) "King Kong: The Next Generation": After her mother pretty much explodes in childbirth, Fay Darrow Kong tries to adjust to life in New York as a 20 foot human-ape hybrid. Kids learn to stop teasing pretty quickly, but she is isolated and lonely until World War II, where she single-handedly captures Okinawa in 27 minutes. (Jeff Brechlin) "Raging Steer": Jake LaMotta finds that years of low blows have left him impotent. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) "Raging Cow": This time it's Rosie O'Donnell who beats up on all comers. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) "Camelot II," directed by Oliver Stone: Hark! 'Tis newly betrothed Lancelot and Guinevere, set upon while touring Toulouse! What ho? An arrow hast pierced the bony orb of fair Lance, whilst Guinevere doth save her arse by crawling o'er the arse of her 'arse. Arthur of Camelot is captured with a crossbow in yon parapet, but wast there a second arrow? Aye, 'twas Merlin on yonder grassy knoll who didst let another cruel stick fly. (Jeff Brechlin) "Ei8ht": A serial killer murders seven people who have committed one of the "deadly sins," plus this guy who cut him off on the highway without signaling or anything. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) "The Passion of the Christ 2, 3 and 4": The Jews go on to cause more trouble in the world in 476, as Rome falls to the Jewish barbarians; 1431, as Joan of Arc is burned at the stake by Jewish mobs; and 1941, when Jews of the Imperial Navy send their Zeros to attack Pearl Harbor. (Arthur Litoff, York Springs, Pa.) "The Red Balloon II": A balloon-propelled boy suffers a hard landing on a Parisian street, leaving him pigeon-toed, helium-voiced and missing two teeth. The locals declare him a genius. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) "Rent II: Mortgage": The bohos move to Loudoun County, struggle to make ends meet on their dual GS-15 salaries, and sing ballads that decry the trials and tribulations of home improvement contractors, homeowner associations, HOV lanes and mall parking. (Ed Gordon, Hollywood, Fla.) "Groundhog Day II": Only the title is different. (Ben Aronin, Washington) Next Week: Hopelessly Ever After, or Just Doom It ====================================================================== WEEK 698, published January 21, 2007 Week 698: Let's Get Personnel Willingly or not, many of us have found ourselves in the job market of late, the luckier ones finally cadging an invitation into that little chair on the other side of the big desk for the sweat-buckets ritual of the job interview. Often, interviewers pull out some favorite questions they offer to every applicant, in hopes of revealing some undiscovered corners of the job-seeker's personality, or maybe just to make him squirm. This week: Send us some humorously creative questions that a job interviewer would ask an applicant. Or conversely, send some questions it might be fun to ask the interviewer. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives one of the stupidest gadgets we've ever come across: a battery-powered pink plastic fan in the shape of a pig that uses virtually all its power to make noise, because you literally can't feel the air blow on your neck if you hold it up to your chin. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 29. Put "Week 698" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Prevar. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 694, in which we asked readers to supply a downbeat interpretation of a not especially downbeat piece of writing. Elizabeth Kolbert of the New Yorker, who inspired this contest by lamenting the tragic fatalism of "Goodnight Moon," eat your heart out, dear. 4 "If You're Happy and You Know It" is an unconscionably thoughtless insult to toddlers around the world who have neither hands nor feet.(David Kleinbard, Jersey City) 3 "The Secret Garden": Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but not always: Anyone with a moral compass must agree that young Colin should not be messing around in his mother's "secret garden," symbolically or otherwise. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 2 the winner of "The Ultimate Guide to Prank University," a book of juvenile practical jokes: In the nihilist world of Peter Rabbit, McGregor's garden is the anti-Eden -- where food equals death. McGregor is the wrathful God who, having expelled his children from the garden, would destroy any who attempt to return. Peter enters the garden clothed and exits naked in a symbolic unbirthing, but there is no salvation for him, nor for any of us. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the Winner of the Inker Yes, Annie, the sun will come out tomorrow. And tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time. Duh-uh! And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Thanks for reminding me, you chirpy little pisher. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) The Bummer Crop "The Sound of Music": In this tragic tale, the church is deprived of the services of a musically gifted nun who could have brought more people to God, all because an oversexed man made her hear the call of the flesh and the allure of the stage. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) A Cinderella story, indeed! A mentally abused woman finally is able to escape the sadistic whims of her stepfamily and marry a wealthy man -- a man who, after hours of intimate contact, by the next morning has no idea what she looks like. Their relationship is destined to be as fragile as a glass slipper. (Allison Bucca, Beltsville) What mother would sing death threats to her baby? Yet how many moms -- night after night, in deceptively soothing tones -- threaten to stick their infants in a tree, and then casually hint of the impending doom from the dangerously overloaded bough? It's no wonder that the lyricist wishes to remain anonymous. (Jeffrey Martin, Rockville) We used to cluck indulgently about Henny Penny's frantic doomsaying. But it was all too prophetic: Now the ocean is rising four feet every year -- so the sky IS falling! (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) It is obvious that Mike Mulligan and his steam shovel are digging their own graves. And yet they live on, serving the world above while trapped perpetually underground. What is life? What is death? This book leaves these enigmas unanswered, observing only that one's work is merely a march to the tomb. (Brendan Beary) But in the end, it is all an illusion: George Bailey isn't saved; his inevitable end is only delayed. For where is George now? Dead. Mary? Dead. Uncle Billy? Dead. Mr. Potter? Dead. Harry? Dead. The men on the ship Harry saved? Dead. Marty, Bert, Ernie? Dead, dead, dead. Violet Bick, dead, too. Life is only a brief spark that separates two dark abysses. Merry Christmas. There's the bridge, right over there. (Phil Battey, Alexandria) "Little House on the Prairie" books: Impelled by the arrogant mentality of Manifest Destiny, a family leaves behind a swath of death and destruction: slaughtering the wildlife, trampling the prairies and displacing indigenous peoples. (Lois Bagniolo and Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg) Paddington Bear illustrates the trouble with the British immigration system. Not only in the United States, it seems, can an illegal Hispanic immigrant be taken in by a local family, remain unemployed, survive on handouts, cause local destruction, and still avoid deportation. -- Lou Dobbs (Richard Wong, Derwood; Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) "The Gift of the Magi": These young marrieds, despite their financial woes, are unable to control their frivolous spending habits, and also fail to communicate effectively. They should seek counseling immediately. -- Amy Dickinson (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) The decision in "The Joy of Sex" to depict only heterosexual acts conveys a simmering contempt for the gay lifestyle and is a slap in the face of tolerance and diversity. Consigning it to a separate volume demonstrates that to the author, gay sex is not true sex, but something inferior -- joyless. Hatred is NOT sexy. (Jon Milstein, Falls Church) Euclidean geometry describes a soulless world bereft of the milk of human kindness, a world devoid of a Creator's presence. It should not be taught in our public schools. -- Kansas State Board of Education (Wilson Varga, Alexandria) "Norma Rae": An aging textile factory, already faced with foreign sweatshop competition, struggles to stay in business despite an attempt at union organizing that could send it under and ruin the town. Sure, let's applaud once again at that big scene. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "The Cat in the Hat": An apparently single mother abandons her small children for hours. (Scoring drugs? Fornicating?) The children immediately admit a pandering pleasure-seeker into the home, supervised only by a weak Conscience-figure -- a fish, the symbol of Christ! -- who can barely inspire the children to engage in a massive coverup moments before Mother's return. The narration concludes by suggesting the option of lying to her about the day's events. Pure Satan-inspired trash, and I do not like it, not one little bit. (Combined from entries by Bob Dalton, Arlington; Michael Levy, Silver Spring; Brendan Beary) "As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end." And you thought religion would offer you a way out of your bleak, dark, miserably hopeless existence? Amen to that. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Next Week: Dead Letters, or Decompoesy ====================================================================== WEEK 699, published January 28, 2007 Week 699: Our Greatest Hit Guiltar: a musical instrument whose strings are pulled by your mother.(Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Goodzilla: a giant lizard that puts out forest fires by stamping on them. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham Palace. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) It still hasn't stopped: With mystifying regularity, we continue to receive (often passed through several mailboxes at The Post) unsolicited entries to what's sometimes called the "Mensa Invitational," and most recently "Change a Letter, Change a Lot": The results of Week 271 have continued to orbit in cyberspace for almost 10 years, picking up forwarders' own efforts along the way. We hope these lost souls find us this week. This week's contest: Take a word, term or name that begins with E, F, G or H; add one letter, subtract one letter, replace one letter or transpose two letters; and define the new word, as in the examples above, which got ink in 1998 and 2003. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy (see exception below). First runner-up receives an assortment of Breath Palette toothpaste, little but pricey tubes -- $4.49 for 0.63 ounces! -- that look like art supplies and come in such varieties as No. 27, Freshness Yogurt, and No. 31, Cola. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 5. Put "Week 699" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 25. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report From Week 695, our annual contest seeking "poems" about notables who died in the previous year. Many contributors noted that James Brown has a Brand New Box, and wondering if "Yogi Bear" animator Joe Barbera was buried in a pic-a-nic basket. 4 Jack Wild: Jack was wild and banging booze And puffin' stuff to sap his breath, Which he pooh-poohed till he found There is no artful dodge of death. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) 3 Slobodan Milosevic Died, the foul sonuvebic. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) 2 The winner of 'Zig Ziglar's Favorite Quotations': P.W. Botha: Apartheid rule is not a way To gather healthy karma. I bet that Mr. Botha may Be heading someplace warma. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) And the winner of The Inker: Robert E. Rich, creator of Coffee Rich: When Robert E. Rich made a creamer from soy, Many people thought, what could be gaucher? But now Jews can drink coffee with tenderloin -- oy, What a joy when a goy keeps you kosher! (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Getting Colder June Allyson: When I learned that June had passed, I lowered my Depends half-mast. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Joe Barbera: The cartoon muse to the baby boom Has met his yabba dabba doom. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Red Auerbach: The Celtics' Auerbach is dead; The foes of Green no more see Red. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Hooters chairman Robert Brooks: He taught America the knack Of buying dinner off the rack. (Jay Shuck) Mike Douglas once had John and Yoko co-host on his show. (I used to watch it every day at 5.) The Reaper has an awful lot to answer for, you know: Of those three folks, look which one's still alive. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Gerald Ford: When I was young, you pardoned Richard Nixon. I labeled you a crooked, evil jerk. But you were in the right. Please pardon me, sir. And thank you for the extra day off work. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Betty Friedan, feminists' pal, Last year became a femme fatale. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Saddam Hussein: You may regret you called our bluff, But you've been proven smarter. Our president looks like a fool, And you've become a martyr. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Steve Irwin brought us crocs and snakes, A great wide world of wonder; We hate to say "Goodbye now, mate," But crikey! He's Down Under. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Don Knotts: O Barney boy, the Fife, the Fife is calling, Death came for Goober, Otis and Aunt Bea. Old Floyd is gone, and Andy can't be long now. Have Opie douse the lights in Mayberry. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Bernard Lacoste: See you later Alligator. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) When planning the wake for Kenneth Lay, Just don't have it be at 4:01, 'kay? (Jay Shuck) Alexander Litvinenko: We buried you two months ago, But still you've got that healthy glow. (Brendan Beary) It's Byron Nelson's final round. He's lying low and starts to wonder Whether, since he's in the ground, He has a chance to shoot six under. (Chris Doyle) Icon to thousands of fitness crazies, Jack Palance is one-handedly pushing up daisies. (Kevin D'Eustachio, Linwood, N.J.) Denis Payton passed through Heaven's door, And left behind the Dave Clark Four. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Augusto Pinochet: If you pronounced it Pino-shay, Your passing caused us no dismay. If you pronounced it Pino-chette, Your passing caused us no regret. (Bob Dalton) Wilson Pickett and Kirby Puckett: A singer, a slugger, A Pickett, a Puckett, Were both Hall of Famers Who just kicked the bucket. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Arnie Sachs, photojournalist: Clinton clasping Kennedy He captured with his Konica. More famous, surely, he would be Had it been Bill 'n' Monica. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Lawrence (Ramrod) Shurtliff, Grateful Dead roadie: What a long strange trip 'Board the Stygian ferry, Now you're drivin' that train And truckin' with Jerry. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) A man of letters was Aaron Spelling: T and A are what he was selling. (Jack Held, Fairfax) Botha, Stroessner, Pinochet, And don't forget Hussein: A bunch of despots passed away Who caused their countries pain. To advocate democracy, We cheer these tyrants' ends, Forgetting that, politically, They used to be our friends. (Brendan Beary) John Kenneth Galbraith & Milton Friedman: Wall Street reeled, it cried collusion; "How could they reach the same conclusion?" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Moose (Eddie on "Frasier"): A humble pro, he shunned all glamour. Yet on his show he upstaged Grammer. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Glenn Ford, John M. Ford, Gerald Ford, Wilson Pickett: We know that Glenn and John and Jerry By their partners were adored, But only Wilson Pickett's Sally Got to ride the hottest Ford. (Kevin Dopart) You lied, took bribes, diddled the help And squandered your authority I can't say that I'm sad you're gone, Republican majority. (Mark Eckenwiler) Online Only: Read More Honorable Mentions More Honorable Mentions TOOLBOX ResizePrint E-mailReprints Sunday, January 28, 2007; 12:00 AM More Honorable Mentions from Week 695 of The Style Invitational, which asked for humorous poems about notables who died in 2006: Susan Butcher: She captured four Iditarods; Through blizzards, sleet and ice she rolled. The frozen tundra fit her; odds Are, dead, she doesn't mind the cold. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex., but sent from somewhere in Hawaii) His colleagues couldn't understand Why Milton Friedman had to die. His thoughts were still in high demand -- Why would the Reaper cut supply? (Andrew Malone, Silver Spring) ad_icon Charles Haughey, former prime minister of Ireland: He died last June in Dublin; They held a crackin' wake. But since that time it's come to light That he'd been on the take. Sure, life is brief, and death is long, And such is Nature's rhythm, And Charlie Haughey stole a pile, But couldn't take it with him. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Saddam Hussein: Tyrant captured, gavel banging, In the end he left us hanging. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Nena O'Neill, anthropologist: To celebrate Nena O'Neill, I am hopin' My wife will agree to a marriage that's open. (Chris Doyle) John Raeburn, agricultural economist during World War II: Your famous slogan harkens back To days of World War II: Back then, we'd "Dig for Victory" -- Now, John, we dig for you. (Brendan Beary) Ann Richards: Higgledy piggledy, Governor Richards gave "Poor George" a taste of her Southern ideals. Ann's sauntered off now, but Uncompromisingly She did it backwards, and In her high heels. (Anne Paris, Arlington) James Van Allen: Around the world your loss is felt: Without you we'd be sans a belt. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) Next Week: Send Us the Bill, or Act-Finding Mission ====================================================================== WEEK 700, published February 4, 2007 Week 700: Stump Us In May 1991, a Washington Post story quoted Democratic experts as saying the only guys who could raise enough money to have a chance in the 1992 election were Mario Cuomo and Lloyd Bentsen (or maybe Dick Gephardt or Al Gore or Jay Rockefeller). Our point is that, in February 2007, there are still plenty of candidates -- and potential candidates, even far-fetched ones -- for whom you can write funny slogans. This week: Come up with someone's slogan for the 2008 presidential campaign. While we'd especially like great ones for the actual likely candidates, those for other hominids will also be considered. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a homemade ceramic grogger (noisemaker) in the shape of a piece of hamantaschen, the pastries served on the Jewish holiday of Purim, which begins the day this contest's results are printed. Despite its appearance, we are pretty sure that the pinkish clay emerging from the top of the pastry is not supposed to be a pork filling. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 12. Put "Week 700" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Prevar. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik. This week's contest, first run back in Week 22 at the suggestion of still-Losing Elden Carnahan, was recommended to the Empress by Russell Beland. This week's prize was donated by Marleen and Rachel May. This just in! We've just learned why the pink plastic pig we offered as a prize for Week 698 seems to be the world's least effective cooling fan. That it because it is actually a little crumb-vacuum for the dinner table, according to reader Karen Sloane of Louisville, who got one as a Christmas present. Well, it's not as if we felt any suction from the thing either. But its pigness at least makes sense. Report From Week 696, our biennial contest to combine the names of new members of Congress to produce legislation. As usual, Losers were way more productive than Congress, churning out several thousand bills. Most common were along the lines of the Fallin-Johnson Act to promote ED research, and the Castor-Corker Law to help prevent laxative overdoses. As always when we run the results of this contest, you have to be pretty flexible in reading them. For instance, you have to accept Mahoney as "ma honey" and Yarmuth as "yar mouth." "Walz" is used for both "walls" and "waltz." We did not, however, accept Hodes as "hotties," and we would never even share with our readers such ridiculosities as Castor-Murphy-Murphy to mean -- are you ready? Because we had to ask for the translation from Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn. -- "customer femur fee." 4 Walz-Yarmuth-Hirono resolution to suggest that Sean Lennon and Yoko try out for "Dancing With the Stars." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) [That would be "Waltz your mother, Ono." For the rest, you're on your own.] 3 The Sanders-Walz Act to replace "The Star-Spangled Banner" with the Chicken Dance. (Tom Galgano, Bowie) 2 the winner of the Heinz Microwaveable Spotted Dick: The Fallin-Whitehouse-Hall Act to institute a national day of remembrance for President Ford. (Ernie Staples, Silver Spring) And the Winner of the Inker The Whitehouse-Brown-Walz Act: An emergency appropriation to redecorate the Oval Office after you-know-what hit the fan in November. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Second Billing The Corker-Yarmuth-Whitehouse-Perlmutter Resolution reminding Barbara Bush to never, ever say anything else about Katrina victims. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The Space-Walz Act, which appropriates funding for a fence to keep out illegal aliens. (Dan Landau, Potomac) The Whitehouse-Bilirakis bill to both balance the budget and finance the war. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) The Buchanan-Johnson Act, which requires equal recognition of all presidents who served between 1857 and 1869. (Lenny Levy, Gaithersburg) The Murphy-Murphy Law to declare that whatever can go wrong will justify another wrong. (Ben Aronin, Washington) The Heller-Mahoney Tin Pan Alley Commemoration Act (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.; Russ Taylor, Vienna) The Lampson-Mahoney bill to extend congressional health coverage to certain elective surgical procedures. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) The Brown-Boyda Paradise Act to declare an official bird of Brooklyn.(Beverley Sharp, Washington) The Whitehouse-Lampson Act: Would markedly increase the brightness of the Presidential Residence, though not the Presidential Residents. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) The Johnson-Hare Act to designate Coca-Cola as the official soft drink of the U.S. Supreme Court. (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Kevin Dopart, Washington) The Donnelly-Ellison-Ellsworth-Fallin-Gillibrand- Hall-Heller-McCaskill-Mitchell resolution telling the administration to go two-L. (Steve Llanger, Chevy Chase) The Casey-Mahoney-McCarthy-Murphy-Murphy-Cohen Resolution ordering congressional dining rooms to serve green bagels every March 17. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) The Whitehouse-Corker Bill to require presidential press releases to include a disclaimer that some statements may not comply with normally expected standards of accuracy. (Jim Newman, Luray, Va.) The Heller-Bachman Act honoring Audie Murphy for his heroism in a war people actually understood. (Ira Allen) The Wilson-Sires-Mitchell Comic Strip Edginess Act (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Yarmuth Hirono Act limiting in-law visits. (Pam Sweeney) The Boyda-Sires-Johnson-Hare Act, funding medical research aimed at accelerating the onset of puberty. (Tom Gordon, Falls Church) The Lampson-Tester Act to create the Bureau of Really Easy Jobs. (Tom Galgano, Bowie) The Shuler-Whitehouse Act reinforcing separation of synagogue and state. (Marleen May, Rockville) The Loebsack-Hare-Webb Act requires special gear to be worn by men serving food in nudist colonies. (Jeff Brechlin) The Lampson-Whitehouse-Walz-Fallin Act: Authorizes expenditures to refurbish the executive mansion. (John Folse, Bryans Road) The Welch-Hare-Sires-Lamborn-Brown Act to prevent the importation of inter-species genetic mutants. (Russell Beland, Springfield, Erika Wilson, Gaithersburg) The Davis-Sali resolution apologizing for lousy late-night TV jokes about the Japanese. (Kevin Dopart) The Lampson-Hare resolution discouraging excessive merriment at Hill office parties. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) The Smith-Tester Act to authorize the Department of Homeland Security to conduct background checks of motel guests. (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) The Cohen-Sires-Murphy Interfaith Marriage Facilitation Act (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Md.) The Boyda-Whitehouse-Fallin Act regarding the lost dignity of the Executive Branch. (Benjamin Cooper, Springfield) The Mahoney-Boyda-Klein bill, to encourage congressional pages to "just say no." (John Clewett, Falls Church) The Johnson-Ellison-Wilson-Lampson Bill honoring the sons of John, Elli, Wil and Lamp. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) . The Boyda-Johnson-Fallin-Yarmuth act, which rules that it doesn't count if you don't inhale. (Russell Beland) The Castor-Tester Steroid Policy for All Sports Even Fishing Bill (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) The Yarmuth-Wilson-Whitehouse Resolution -- calls for all roll call votes, payroll distributions, etc., to be carried out in reverse alphabetical order. This is the most significant legislation to be passed this year. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Next Week: We Beg You to Differ, or Match Pointless ====================================================================== WEEK 701, published February 11, 2007 Week 701: Untitlement Official Style Invitational Cartoonist Bob Staake is just getting hoitier and toitier on us. First his artwork gets on the cover of the New Yorker, and now his "The Red Lemon" has been listed as one of Some Other Newspaper Book Review's 10 best illustrated children's books of 2006. Yeah, yeah. But he'll never win an Inker. This week: Here are the covers for what just might be Bob's next four books. What are they called and what are they about? Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets, courtesy of Ben Aronin of Washington, a CD from Thepartyparty.com consisting of remixes of politicians' voices in which they're seeming to sing rock songs, such as President Bush doing "Sunday Bloody Sunday." It's pretty well done, actually. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Feb. 20. Put "Week 701" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 11. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Prevar of Annapolis. The revised title for next week's contest is by Bruce Alter. Report From Week 697, our recurring contest in which we asked you to explain how any two of 15 items we listed were alike or different. Of course, some intrepid Losers tried all 105 combinations; just about everyone pointed out that the difference between Shakira's hips and a prescription for Levitra was that with the hips, you don't need the prescription. 4 The difference between 24 cents plus tax and a teacup Chihuahua: In the United States, one is just about two bits; in China, the other is just about two bites. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 3 The difference between the Washington Nationals and a Cheez Whiz souffle: If you want runs, go with the souffle. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) 2 winner of the CD of the Tulsa radio guy being obnoxious: How 24 cents plus tax is like a Mini Cooper convertible: These will be 50 Cent's new name and hoopty after the IRS gets done with him. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker The difference between a prescription for Levitra and a Mini Cooper convertible: You hope the prescription will keep women from saying, "Ooh, that little thing is sooo cute." (David Komornik, Danville, Va.) Indifferences The difference between a urine sample and a Cheez Whiz souffle: The souffle contains many unneeded carbs. -- M. Gandhi, Delhi (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) How a drunken kangaroo is like a prescription for Levitra: They both will make a big stir Down Under. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.; Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville) A drunken kangaroo and the new speaker of the House: Both make Bush men nervous. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) A drunken kangaroo and a urine sample: Each was a runner-up mascot for the Sydney Olympics. (Kevin Dopart) A drunken kangaroo should not have hit the bottle. A urine sample should have. (Thomas J. Murphy, Bowie) A prescription for Levitra and the new speaker of the House: Both work on uncooperative members. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Each is tasked with pushing through acts of congress successfully. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) One works to thwart the Honorable Mr. Boehner . . . (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) It's the difference between lay and lie. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A prescription for Levitra and a Mini Cooper convertible: Trust me, neither one will get you lucky until you lose those 40 pounds you gained since the divorce. (Jerry Ewing, Orlando) A prescription for Levitra and Kim Jong Il's pompadour: One cures erectile dysfunction; the other IS one. (Arlee C. Green, Newington) A prescription for Levitra and a Style Invitational Loser Magnet: You get the magnet for your pee-pee joke; you get the prescription for your joke of a pee-pee. (Andrea Kelly, Brookville) The new speaker of the House and a teacup Chihuahua: The speaker has bigger cojones. (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) The new speaker of the House and a Mini Cooper convertible: Both are stylish, petite media darlings, but only one should be experienced topless. (Michele Puzzanchera, Pittsburgh) The new speaker of the House and a urine sample: The speaker is Number Three. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) One also has vinegar. (Gordon Arsenoff, Laurel) The new speaker of the House and the Washington Nationals: Only one will get regular cable coverage in D.C. (Kevin Dopart) The Nationals plan to hit-and-run, while the speaker plans to cut and run. -- G.W.B., Washington (Chris Doyle, from Panaji, India) The new speaker of the House and Kim Jong Il's pompadour: Each sits atop an impenetrable mass of peculiar opinions. (Elwood Fitzner) The new speaker of the House and a Style Invitational Loser Magnet: They are both lusted after. -- Name Withheld, Plains, Ga. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) A teacup Chihuahua and a urine sample: They are both wee specimens. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) They are two things that might be found in a celebrity's purse. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) Staying the course and the Washington Nationals: Both are associated with the phrase "errors were made." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Staying the course and a urine sample: The sample can get you fired from an important government job. (Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Chicago) Staying the course and Shakira's hips: They are both public demonstrations of morass. (John Bauer, Gaithersburg) A Mini Cooper convertible and the Washington Nationals: Neither is very comfortable on a long road trip. (Russell Beland) A Mini Cooper convertible and 11 pipers piping: Paris Hilton might take either for a quick spin. (Kevin Dopart) A urine sample and the Washington Nationals: You can be sure the Nationals won't be standing between Barry Bonds and the Hall of Fame.(Elwood Fitzner) A urine sample and Shakira's hips: It's hard for men to give the first if they're thinking about the second. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) A urine sample and a Style Invitational Loser Magnet: The Washington Post isn't willing to pay all the postage to mail out urine samples every week. (Russell Beland) 11 pipers piping and the Washington Nationals: One is 11 guys blowing. The other is 9 guys sucking. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) The Washington Nationals and a Style Invitational Loser Magnet: The magnet is supposed to be a joke. (Kevin Dopart) Shakira's hips and a Cheez Whiz souffle: The former is the real thing; the latter is artificial dairy air. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) The Poincaré Conjecture and Shakira's hips: One is all about topology, while the other is all about bottomology. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) 24 cents plus tax and a Style Invitational Loser Magnet: Neither one is fully appreciated when you give them out to your staff as Christmas bonuses. Well, I'm just guessing about the 24 cents. (Russell Beland) Next Week: Let's Get Personnel, or Inhuman Resources ====================================================================== WEEK 702, published February 18, 2007 Week 702: Unreal Facts A Big Gulp cup can hold 27 European swallows. Pillow suffocation is a legal execution method in seven states. Richard Nixon held his last breath for 12 years 301 days. Heavily Ink-Stained Loser Kevin Dopart, who submits several dozen entries to us each week, all sorted into tidy little categories, suggested this twist on the "Real Facts" included under the caps of Snapple bottles(e.g., "a bee has five eyes"): Come up with a comically false . . . well, let's call it a fictoid, as in Kevin's examples above. They don't have to fit on a bottle cap, but don't write a whole story. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives the amazing belt pictured below, sent to us from New Delhi by Truly Cosmopolitan Loser Robin Diallo. The writing on the belt seems to be in secret code, but if you look long enough, you realize that someone -- the proverbial chimp at a typewriter, perhaps? -- was attempting to write the titles of various Rolling Stones songs. Hence "Eave You Seen Tour Nd Ther!Bady! Standing in the Sfadgwi." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 26. Put "Week 702" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Bonnie Hughes of Reston. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte. Report From Week 698, in which we sought questions that might (but even we hope would not) be asked by either the interviewer or the applicant during a job interview. No doubt, in a year or two someone with too much time on his hands will e-mail you a list of "actual questions asked during job interviews, compiled by human resources professionals." It will be the list below, minus the names. 5. Applicant: Would I be working within 90 feet of any school? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 4. Applicant: Can I use you as a reference? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 3. Interviewer: If my next question is "Do you plan to steal from this company?" would your answer to that question be the same as your answer to this one? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) 2. the winner of the pink plastic pig crumb-vac that we thought was a fan: Applicant: These rules against sexual harassment in the office -- do they also apply to the parking lot? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) And the Winner of the Inker Applicant: Say, those girls in the photos on your desk, are they seeing anyone, well not the fat one, but those other two? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Shortlisted Questions by the interviewer: Assuming we're not all mowed down by the disgruntled psycho you're being hired to replace, where do you see yourself in 20 years? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) If you could rid the world of any ethnic minority, which one would you get rid of, and why? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) "Before we proceed further, you should know that we allow three -- and only three -- inter-cubicle visits per day. I'm guessing that you're enough of a nebbish to accept that?" (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Sell me this pocket lint! (Stephen Dudzik) Prove the Mordell-Weil theorem states for any abelian variety A over a number field K. Nah, I'm kidding. Who's your favorite serial killer? (Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Chicago) So, with my last assistant, I'm, like, do it. And he's, like, uch. And I'm, like, what? And he's, like, no way. Now I'm, like, I need this done. And he's, like, I'm outta here. So: Are you like that, too? (Dina Feivelson, New York) Here's a picture of my mother -- do you find her attractive? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) So where do you see yourself five incarnations from now ? -- Outsource2India.com, Bangalore, India (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) Even though drug testing isn't part of our hiring process, could you pee in this cup anyway, just for me? (Brendan Beary) Is there anything even remotely funny about Dilbert's skewering of middle management? (Stephen Dudzik) We respect all faiths and creeds, of course. But to take a hypothetical situation -- let's say you were caught on the 20th floor as a fire raged. What would be the name of the deity you'd implore for help? (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) Are you trying to relax by imagining me naked? (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Do you always wear such conservative dresses? (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) What do you have to say about God for shirking work on the seventh day? (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) We're looking for a strong supervisor. Do you spank your children? How about your wife? (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) Let me ask: Do you cringe naturally, or is that something you've had to work on? (Mae Scanlan) The last guy could turn his hand 360 degrees around his arm. What talent would you bring to the company? (Creigh Richert, Aldie) I see that you keep looking at me. May I ask why? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) What would you wear on casual Saturdays? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What's one good reason why I shouldn't throw your adorable little behind out of here right now? (Phil Battey, Alexandria) Say, you wouldn't know the difference between a teacup Chihuahua and a Cheez Whiz souffle, would you? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) So. Do you remember, in third grade, that game of dodgeball? (Ed Gordon, Hollywood, Fla.) Questions by the applicant: Man, what a tidy office you have. Who's OCD, you or your secretary? (Bonnie Hughes, Reston) So will Wal-Mart give me time off from the cash register for my union organizing duties? (Axel Brinck, Montreal) Are conjugal visits allowed? (Gregory James, Mitchellville) This whole thing is the employee handbook? Don't you have it on, like, a card? (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) On Casual Fridays, can I wear my footie pajamas? (David Moss, Arlington) Is your pension plan still operative in event of the Rapture? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) So, how would you like to autograph this photo of yours from MySpace? (Peter Boice, Rockville) Sheesh, doesn't your dental plan cover mouthwash? (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) You all don't drop everything, put candles on a cupcake and do that whole clapping-and-singing thing around somebody who's said it's his birthday, right? 'Cause I once set a guy on fire like that. I wish I could say it was accidental. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) If I don't take any bathroom breaks, can I leave work early each day? (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg) Is there a minimum period to qualify for severance pay? (Chuck Smith) Before I sit down, do you mind if I sanitize the chair? (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Would you like to see some pictures of my cats? (Jack Fiorini, Williamsburg) Would you mind terribly if I called you Dad? (Jay Shuck) Next Week: Our Greatest Hit, or Lexicontortions ====================================================================== NO WEEK NUMBER; published February 25, 2007 *(We) Give Us a Break* Sunday, February 25, 2007 The results for Week 699, one of the change-a-word-by-one-letter contests that some people think we should run every single week instead of all this other stuff with jokes and cartoons and poems and such drivel, were -- we have to admit -- so clever and so abundant that we needed two weeks' worth of columns to share the worthiest entries with you. Also, this is a convenient way for the Empress to take a day off from judging and go lounge poolside in the Imperial Hammock, taking care first to don the Imperial Parka and Earmuffs and Moon Boots. *Report From Week 699, in which we asked readers to change any word beginning with E, F, G or H by one letter and define the result. This week we'll present the best of the E's and F's, with a whole set of winner and Losers. The best of the G's and H's will appear March 18. That week, the winner will also get the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy, and the first runner-up will receive the magnetic Greek alphabet letters pictured here, brought back from Hellas itself by Kevin Dopart of Washington.(The letters are spelling out both the Greek word for "loser" and the English word phonetically.) The rule for Week 699 was that the original word, not the result, had to begin with E, F, G or H. So, for instance, "flactate," a verb for a PR person's feeding drips of gossip to hungry reporters, couldn't go. The rules permitted a letter to be added, subtracted or substituted with another letter. Also, two letters could be transposed; several Losers realized that they didn't have to be adjacent letters. Also not qualifying: adding a number instead of a letter, as in Kevin Dopart's clever "GeiCO²: Global warming insurance," one of his 191 entries. (To answer your next question, no, Kevin is not on the federal payroll.) For some reason, the single word that appeared on practically everyone's list was "fratulence," defined variously as a wafting from beer or kegs or college-kid dirty laundry. *4. Fuhrenheit: The temperature in Hell.* (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) *3. Eruditz: A philosophy professor who can't figure out how to work the copying machine.* (John Kupiec, Fairfax) *2. /the winner of the artsy tubes of Breath Palette toothpaste:/ Fearcical: Ludicrous yet vaguely alarming. "There's a fearcical rumor we're going to invade Venezuela."* (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) *And the Winner Of the Inker* *Epigramp: A maxim that brands the speaker as an old codger: "If God had wanted women to wear pants . . ."* (Brendan Beary) *Not Ef Bad* *Tedema: That jowly Kennedy look.* (Kevin Dopart) *Educrate: To teach in one of the "modules" set up "temporarily" in the parking lot of an overcrowded school.* (Ted Einstein, Silver Spring) *Elbrow: Extremely long underarm hair.* (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) *Emacidate: Go out with a fashion model.* (Kevin Dopart) *Editore: Edited.* (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) *Demoticon: A little symbol signifying bad news on an e-mail from the boss.* (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Tempress: Today, Mistress of the Domains of Chaos; tomorrow, just another loser.* (Ann Martin, Annapolis) *Zencompass: Wherever you go, there you are.* (Kevin Dopart) *Unergy: A condition that strikes people on the way to work, mostly on Mondays.* (Janet Alexandrow, Springfield) *Ennaui: The least exciting of the Hawaiian islands.* (Brendan Beary) *Entrophy: The consequence of resting on one's laurels.* (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) *Eohoppus: A prehistoric kangaroo.* (Brendan Beary) *Enguish: What elocution teachers feel when they hear the president on the radio.* (Karl Koerber, Crescent Valley, B.C.) *Estchew: To stay on daylight saving time.* (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) *Stonia: A small European country with very loose drug laws.* (Russell Beland, Springfield) *Engin: Gasohol.* (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) *Innui: How you feel upon seeing the same landscape painting you saw in your last six hotel rooms.* (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) *Erstwhale: The success story in the Jenny Craig ad.* (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) *Nestrogen: A hormone produced during pregnancy that produces cravings for wallpaper with matching borders and dust ruffles.* (Brendan Beary) *Estrogent: Someone who asks if the fabulous pumps are available in a 13 1/2 E.* (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) *Excaliburp: Sword swallower's reflux.* (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.) *Excretary: The office worker who seems to spend two hours a day in the bathroom.* (Jay Shuck) *Exhillaration: what Monica almost caused in Bill.* (Peter Metrinko) *Experdition: The journey to Hell.* (Martin Bancroft; Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Excavhate: To dredge up an old grievance during an argument.* (Mike Fransella, Arlington) *Macebook.com: For warding off cyber-stalkers.* (Ben Aronin, Washington) *FAQu: The response to frequently asked stupid questions.* (Ira Allen, Bethesda) *Yellowship: Cowards Anonymous.* (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) *Fiefdome: A state capitol building.* (Creigh Richert, Aldie) *Fistipuffs: Very minor squabbling.* (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville) *Flabboyant: Proudly displaying one's girth. "In his Chippendales skit on 'SNL,' Chris Farley was amazingly flabboyant."* (Brendan Beary) *Fatulence: That squishing noise of thighs rubbing together.* (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville) *Flimflame: To commit arson for the insurance money.* (Howard Walderman, Columbia) *Loozies: All those women who hang on Style Invitational contestants.* (Kevin Dopart) *Foaly: A elderly horse who likes to bother young colts.* (John Holder, Charlotte) *Foresking: The best mohel in town.* (Brendan Beary) *Fortissimoo: More, more, more cowbell!* (Chris Doyle, sent from vacation in Bangkok) *Farternity: An old boys' club.* (David Franks, Wichita) *Forget-me-note: A Dear John letter.* (Chris Doyle) *Faux pAl - When your Inker-winning gag about "Gandhi II" turns out to have already been used by some guy named Yankovic.* (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) /*Next Week: Stump Us,*/ /or/ /*The Battle of Hustings*/ (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 703, published March 4, 2007 Week 703: Freak Trade Agreements Intermittent Loser Jerry Ewing of Orlando, when not whiling away the hours sending sarcastically flattering e-mails to the Empress, likes to peruse the "Barter" category on the Craigslist classified-ad Web site(the example above is an actual proposed trade he found) and wonder about the circumstances that prompted the offers (the example above is Jerry's own warped speculation). This week: Think of one thing to trade for another, and supply a short and funny explanation. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a little box that may well be the oddest prize ever offered here: One day there mysteriously appeared in the Empress's mailbox an envelope whose return address said "LM" and a street in Ypsilanti, Mich. But the stamps and postmark were from the nation of Oman. Which is where LM presumably found this item, which, because The Washington Post is a little squeamish when it comes to certain body parts, we will call "Dr. James Fitting [Birth Canal] Tablet." The description on the back says that "leuccorrhea will be disappeared when Herbal Capsules is inserted," and goes on to promise married women that, er, they will seem younger in a certain way. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 12. Put "Week 703" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Mark Eckenwiler. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 700, in which we sought presidential campaign slogans for the actual candidates as well as for those who are even less likely to win. Huge response, much of it shockingly stupid ("Root for Rudy"?) along with some that were clever but just too tasteless even for us -- sorry, no Sen. Tim Johnson jokes here. 4. Joe Biden: You'll Always Know Where He Stands, Because You'll Always Know Where His Foot Is. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) 3. Hillary Clinton: You Know I Didn't Have Sexual Relations With That Woman! (Armani Steele, Boston; Bill Cowart, Washington) 2. the winner of the ceramic hamantaschen-shaped grogger: Alaska's Mike Gravel: Give a Snowball a Chance in Hell (Bob Dalton) And the Winner of the Inker Gen. Eric Shinseki: If You'd Listened to Me, We'd Be Home by Now (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Dangling Chad Christopher Dodd: It's Time the Democratic Party Gave a Liberal New Englander a Try (Russell Beland, Springfield) Lyndon LaRouche: Finally, a Candidate Who Actually Believes the Ridiculous Stuff He Says (Benjamin Cooper, Springfield) Tom Vilsack: I've Never Heard of Me Either (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis; Danny Groner, Silver Spring) Marion Barry: Getting Rid of Drugs, One Gram at a Time (Ira Allen) The All-New McCain Straight-Talk Express for 2008: Now With Multispeed Reverse! (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.) Dick Cheney: Why Settle for the Lesser of Two Evils? (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Mark Foley: He'll Bring Our Boys Home (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Sam Brownback: I'm the Matter With Kansas (Ira Allen) Dennis Kucinich: He'll Stand Up for America (Oh, Wait, He IS Standing Up) (Bob Dalton) Howard Dean: EEAAAAAGGGGGHH Was Just About RiIght, Huh? (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) John Edwards: Because Every Democratic President Since Truman Has Had a Funny Accent (Russell Beland) Dick Cheney: Hell, Let's Make It Official (Chris Doyle, on vacation in Tokyo; Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) Tony Blair: It's PM in America (John O'Byrne, on vacation in Agra, India) Barack Obama: It's Time to Do More Than Walk on Water and Cure Lepers (Anne Paris, Arlington) Lorena Bobbitt: If Elected I Will Not Sever (Russell Beland) George H.W. Bush: Let Dad Fix It (Benjamin Cooper, Springfield) Biden-Kerry: Let Us Preface This Shortest Slogan That Is Suitable for a Bumper Sticker on an SUV That Uses Too Much Fuel and Increases Our Dependence on Foreign Oil, Thereby Forcing Us to Become Involved in the Conflicts Between Arabs and Jews, Arabs and Arabs, Sunni and Shia, Iran and Israel, and Others in the Middle East to Defend a Vital National Interest, Which Reminds Us of the Joke About the Rabbi, the Mullah and .. .. . (Horace LaBadie) Lisa Marie Nowak: It's Time for a Change (Ira Allen; Elwood Fitzner) Hillary Clinton: One for the Price of Two (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) Lance Armstrong: One Tough Nut (Ben Aronin, Washington) Joe Biden: The First Mainstream American With Hair Plugs Who Is Articulate and Bright and Clean and a Nice-Looking Guy (Jay Shuck) Tom Vilsack: As Seen on Cedar Rapids Cable Access TV! (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Joe Biden: Vote for Me and I'll Shut Up (Ira Allen) Leonardo DiCaprio : He Knows What It's Like to Ride a Sinking Ship (John Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Katherine Harris: She's Got Your Vote! (Bob Dalton) Dennis Kucinich: Once You Stop Laughing, He Does Make Sense (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) Jimmy Carter: It's Morning in Palestine (Ira Allen) Texas Gov. Rick Perry: You Know He'll "Faithfully Execute" (Mark Eckenwiler) Rove-Cheney: Don't Switch Horses in Midstream (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Tom Tancredo: When in Doubt, Fence 'em Out! That's Tom's Tan Credo (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Sen. Jon Tester: Don't You Wish We'd Had a President Tester Long Before This? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Next Week: Untitlement, or Whatchamaca Lit ====================================================================== WEEK 704, published March 11, 2007 Week 704: Another Game of Tag Shot through with inspiration -- in fact, watching said inspiration squirt out from between two ribs -- aspiring Losers often e-mail the Empress to suggest a new contest, only to be shot right back, between the same ribs, with a reply that includes the results for that same contest, from, say, Week 462 or Week 314 or even Week CXLVIII. Michael Levy of Silver Spring was about to suffer the same fate recently when he suggested a contest to come up with celebrities' license plates, when we realized that we were shooing him away with the results (including the example above) from Week 9: They were published May 23, 1993. Surely we have enough new celebrities, or new takes on them, almost 14 years later. This week: Create vanity license plates for well-known people, real or fictional. Maximum number of characters plus spaces is eight; you are limited to letters, numbers and common symbols found on a keyboard. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 19. Put "Week 704" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name was suggested by both John O'Byrne of Dublin and Eric Murphy of Ann Arbor, Mich. Report From Week 701, in which we asked you for the titles of these alleged books that Style Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake was thinking of writing, and what they would be about. 4. "Baby Still on Board": Freddie spends his entire life, from infancy to long gray beard, on a runway aboard a JetBlue plane. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 3. "Have You Seen My Happy Feet?" A young penguin, tragically disfigured by a hungry shark, demonstrates amazing fortitude in his far-flung though ultimately futile quest for his missing appendages. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 2. the winner of the remix CD of politicians seeming to sing rock songs: "What Part of Dual Spinal Tumors Don't You Get?" Bob self-published this title after being turned down by Readers' Digest's "Laughter Is the Best Medicine" section. (Kevin Marshall, South Riding) And the Winner of the Inker Flagrantly ripping off Eric Carle's "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?" Bob tries to market a scratch-and-sniff book. Unfortunately, no one wants to sniff pages that read, "I smell a hippo who's really not well," "I smell a junkie who's locked in a cell" or "I smell the armpit of fat cousin Nell." (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) The Remaindered THE GIRL: "Water Wings Wanda": A little girl's parents overreact to the danger of global warming. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Penelope Goes Postal": Without an education, you too could end up delivering bowling balls for a living. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) "The Wriggly Green Sack": Krystie hates Snake Handling Day at her religious school. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) "Okay, Today Joey Bites the Dust!": It was the final straw for Sally after her little brother shaved a huge bald spot on her head while she slept. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) "Quasimoda": An angry girl with chips on her shoulder enrolls at Notre Dame. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "Hillary and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day": "I decided to run for class president and then this super-popular boy decided he would, too, and then this gang of kids kept twisting my arm until I told them I was sorry . . ." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "The Life of Mildred Oyl": The rags-to-riches memoir from the woman who was called names as a child because of the odd lunches she brought to school. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) No Fun for Lindsay: Little Lindsay is very angry that she has to leave parties early to go to rehab. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) THE CAT "Goodbye Moon": The old lady whispered "hush" one too many times for Kitty, who in a rash act lost the only home he ever knew. But come on, people, she was a rabbit! What did you expect? (Jeff Brechlin) "The Cat in the Can": The Cat once again lets out Thing One and Thing Two. (Sue Finger, Falls Church; Dave Prevar, Annapolis) "Can You Bring Me Home?": After escaping from the zoo, a tiger cub eats a grouchy animal he finds in a trash can, driving a once-peaceful neighborhood into bitter sectarian conflict. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton) "The Lost Earmark": Marshmallow discovers life in the unfunded world after his shelter loses its research grant on whisker-impaired felines.(Verenda Smith, Alexandria) THE PENGUIN "Ice Bubble": With global warming, finding an affordable condo in Antarctica has become difficult even for the natives. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) "Yo, Mama, Put Your Milk Right Here!": Guido the Penguin teaches toddlers Brooklyn sign language. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) "Who's Your Daddy?": Anna Nicole's fertilized egg is left in midtown Manhattan and it's up to Prince to help find the father. (Carl Gerber, Annandale) "The Waddlefather": As an immigrant from a faraway land, Don Penguione must assert his authority over the local pigeons. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) "Global Walking": With his home heat-imperiled, Pepe the Penguin decides to move to Manhattan, where although the houses are warmer, the people are way chillier. (Marjorie Streeter, Reston) THE BABY "The Babiator": A tribute to Howard Hughes's earliest and latest years. Includes a packet of Kleenex attached to the inside cover. (Jim Korenthal, New York) "I'm a Really Big Boy Now": Baby Joey discovers that you're never too young for phallic metaphors. (John Johnston, St. Inigoes, Md.) "The Lisa Marie Nowak Story": An inspirational book describing how the famous astronaut learned from a young age how to dress when traveling long distances. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) "Young Slim Pickens": How he learned to love the bomber. (M. Lilly Welsh, Oakton) "The Loudest Baby in the World Flies to Tokyo": The story of little Daisy Belle and what happened when the passengers couldn't take it anymore. And why loud noises are still measured in Daisy Belles. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Next Week: Our Greatest Hit, Part 2, or U-GH ====================================================================== WEEK 705, published March 18, 2007 Week 705: Simile Outrageous Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. These two brilliantly awful similes head up a Web page titled "The 25 Funniest Analogies (Collected by High School English Teachers)," just one of a slew of similarly titled Internet sites providing the very same list. Of course, they are actually classic Style Invitational entries, by veteran and still-cranking-it-out Losers Sue Lin Chong (results of Week 310, 1999) and Chuck Smith (Week 120, 1995). Let's give these Web people some more excellent material to rip off with nary an attribution: This week: Come up with funny analogies, perhaps with some 21st-century references. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets The Wedding SlingerTM, a little gun that shoots little hard plastic bride and groom figurines at the newlyweds as they emerge from the wedding. How heartwarming to be able to send Ashley and Jason off on their honeymoon with his-and-hers eye injuries! Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 26. Put "Week 705" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 15. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The Wedding Slinger was donated by Peter Metrinko of Chantilly. The Honorable Mentions title is by Chris Doyle of Ponder, Tex. The revised title for next week's contest is by Eric Murphy of Ann Arbor, Mich. Report From Week 699 1/2, the second set of Losing entries from our contest to take a real word beginning with E, F, G or H and coin a new word by adding, subtracting or substituting a letter, or transposing any two letters. We printed the E- and, er, F-words Feb. 25; here are the G's and H's. 5. Gangst: 50 Cent's dread of turning into Tupac. (Ken Gallant, Little Rock) 4. Ahemorrhoid: An annoying person who points out flaws after it's too late to correct them. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 3. Hovernment: Big Brother. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 2. the winner of the magnetic Greek alphabet letters: Home Despot: Martha Stewart's new chain of decorating stores. (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) And the Winner of the Inker(Bob Staake For The Washington Post) Sackenhack: A town in New Jersey founded by Vikings. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) The Other Side of the Coinage George W. Bust: History's verdict. (John Holder, Charlotte) Whomicide: Murdering the King's English. (Chris Doyle, sent from Bangkok) Gardenerd: One who would rather get a leaf than get a life. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Gasolien: The financing you have to arrange so you can fill up the tank on your Suburban. (M. Lilly Welsh, Oakton) GenUrine: You'll always pass the drug test with this guaranteed-clean Whizzinator sample -- only $99.95. (Tom Greening, North Bethesda) Douse of worship: Baptism. (Chris Doyle) Geopollitics: Foreign policy based on the latest opinion survey. (Rick Bell, London) Blogal Warming: The contribution to the greenhouse effect made by people using electricity to go online to rail about climate change. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Glonads: A sign that you shouldn't have gone to the sushi bar with those Russians. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Gotmo: Prison for the well-heeled detainee. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Hiltoon: A girl who has become a caricature of herself. (Tom Witte) Codfather: A Mafioso who swims with the fishes. (Chris Doyle) Haste couture: The newest menswear look on the runway: the deliberately mis-buttoned shirt. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Randiose: Given to excessive embellishment of one's sexual appetite and conquests. (Tom Witte) Guanon: Constipation. (Elaine Gillespie, Derwood) Hagwash: The lies you tell when trying to set up a blind date for an unattractive cousin. (Marc Channick, San Diego) Halls of IV: Yale Medical School. (Chris Doyle) Hiphazard: A woman with a walk that causes men to bonk into trees. (Ann Davie, Fern Tree, Tasmania, Australia) Haringue: The froth of spittle on the edges of a demagogue's mouth. (Tom Witte) Hasta la visa, baby: Gov. Schwarzenegger's immigration reform slogan. (Cheryl Davis, Arlington) Hearthbreaker: 1. An old flame 2. A woman who makes an ash out of you. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Holy Bile: The rantings of televangelists. (Russell Beland) Geishaq: A seven-foot-tall, 350-pound Japanese hostess. (Chris Doyle) Nonad: A eunuch. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Hogan's Herpes: Close quarters in the stalag; high jinks ensue. (Veggo Larsen, Palmetto, Fla.) Herculess: Someone who realizes one evening that he's taken too many steroids. (Roy Ashley) Histrioincs: The acting in "Deliverance." (Tom Witte) Bohoken: The town in New Jersey where Ugg boots are made. (Pam Sweeney) Gonadolier: Someone you don't want poling you through Venice. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Testiculate: To conspicuously readjust one's package. (Tom Greening) Moneysuckle: A vine that grows wild in front of any building with the word "Bureau" on it. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) Hula-oops: A grass-skirt malfunction. (Russell Beland) Hyenta: A doggedly persistent matchmaker. (Mark Eckenwiler) Hymend: To recover one's lost innocence. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Next Week: Unreal Facts, or Faux-Finding Mission ====================================================================== WEEK 706, published March 25, 2007 Week 706: Questionable Journalism Perhaps he should check to make sure that he does not have bad breath. What excuse has Bill O'Reilly resorted to in an effort to explain the president's current approval ratings? We writers and editors at The Washington Post hope our paper's articles will answer the questions that readers have on their minds. Of course, we're not thinking of readers like you. This week: Take any sentence that appears in The Post or in an article on washingtonpost.com from March 24 through April 2 and come up with a question it could answer. You can use part of a sentence, as long as that part could be a full sentence in itself. Please cite the date and page number of the article you're using(or if you're online, include that section of the article). The example above is from today's Ask Amy column. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a pair of yummy treats: a vaguely brain-shaped little dispenser of Brain Drain Liquid Candy ("Eat Your Brains Out!"), donated by Loser Scion Erin Carnahan; and a jar of Scorned Woman mustard ("Hell hath no fury like ..."), sent in by Ed Gordon. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 2. Put "Week 706" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. The revised title for next week's contest is by Dave Prevar of Annapolis. Report From Week 702, in which we sought "Unreal Facts," little things to know and tell, like the "Real Facts" inside Snapple lids, except that these, well . . . 5 A man in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii, has created a ball of string the size of the planet Jupiter. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) 4 The plays of Shakespeare were actually written by a different person with the same name. (Ronald Semone, Washington) 3 In early drafts of "Citizen Kane," Rosebud was a pogo stick. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 2 The winner of the cloth belt lettered with unintelligible misspellings of Rolling Stones songs: Carlos Guitarra, inventor of the stringed instrument that bears his name, had six fingers on each hand. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) And the Winner of the Inker Although the Chinese outnumber us 4 to 1, Americans have a greater combined weight. (Joseph Romm, Washington) A Nice Set of Falsies In Kenya, the native land of Barack Obama's father, the word "barack" can be translated as either "clean" or "articulate." (Mike Hammer, Arlington) For many years, Sears catalogue pages came perforated for easier use in outhouses. (Judith Cottrill, New York) In France, the musical "Les Misérables" is known as "The Miserables." (Russell Beland) Most of the world's supply of linthicum and timonium are found within a 25-mile radius of Baltimore. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Columbus, Ohio, was named for a local farmer called Ebenezer Columbus. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Not only was Judy Garland's real name Frances Gumm, but John Wayne's real name was Francis Gumm. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) "Beelzebub" is written as "XAENE" in the Greek language version of the Book of Revelation; it is pronounced "heinie" or "cheney." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The last one-digit number to be discovered was the 7. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) A plasma-screen TV uses plasma that manufacturers buy from funeral homes. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The White House is actually ecru. (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) In Italy, pizzas contain no cheese, tomatoes or flour. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) One out of every 14 e-mails offering big money for help in an African currency exchange is genuine. (Jack Fiorini, Williamsburg) If you soak a new $20 bill in lemon juice overnight, the eyes on Andrew Jackson turn red. (Mike Livingston, Takoma Park) An unopened can of Spam found in a pharaoh's tomb was still edible after 4,000 years. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) The fruit of female banana trees is doughnut-shaped. (Russell Beland) In the 1700s, Mohawk Indians sometimes fooled European settlers by moving moss to the east sides of the trees. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase) Scooter Libby recited the first 29 digits of pi correctly in a high school contest. (Kevin Dopart) Jerry Mathers of "Leave It to Beaver" was convicted of insurance fraud after faking his own death in Vietnam. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) In Japanese, "Yoko Ono" means "bony chicken that screams when plucked." (Judith Cottrill) No two snowflakes are completely different. (Russell Beland) Bats urinate only while perched upside down. The noxious odor coats their bodies with a scent that repels predators. (Patrick Mattimore, San Francisco) During World War II, a secret U.S. Army survey identified 4,389 atheists in foxholes. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) George W. Bush is the first president to use a phonic teleprompter. (Kevin Dopart) The MasterCard originally was to be named the Magna Carda. (Bob Kopac) The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from King Thumb, who ruled England from 896 to 913. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) The act of eating celery burns more calories than it contains. (Chris Sonnenberg, Reston) Ancient Romans used human umbilical cords for sandal straps. (Stephen Dudzik) Construction on New York Avenue has now lasted longer than it took to build the Great Pyramid at Giza. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) In Switzerland, it's American cheese that's sold with holes in it. (Mike Hammer) In the Southern Hemisphere, a falling cat always lands on its back. (Bob Mulvaney, Alexandria) Neil Armstrong hated Tang. (Russell Beland) Before World War II, Almond Joy candy bars contained real joy. (Russell Beland; Brendan Beary) The tune to the Oscar Mayer wiener jingle is an upbeat version of a dirge that Viking warriors would sing before beheading an enemy. (Mike Herring, Washington) There are fewer U.S. families with five children than childless couples with five cars. (Fred B. Ruckdeschel, Bethesda) Only by writing left-handed can one use a Bic pen upside down. (Steve Fahey) Manila folders are so named because the first specimens were discovered there by Spaniards in 1720. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Worldwide, the leading cause of flight delays is goats on the runway. (Mike Fransella, Arlington) The "bomp" in "bomp-sha-bomp-sha-bomp" and the "ram" in "ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong" were put in their respective phrases by Melvin R. Quisterberry of Chippewa Falls, Wis., and Alma Fruiterman of Albany, N.Y. (Bob Dalton) The Internal Revenue Code contains 1,278,312 words, none of them ending in the letter "b." (Bob Dalton) Eskimos have more words for "snot" than for "snow." (Kevin Dopart) Sgt. Dudley S. Doright, a retired Canadian Mountie, filed a defamation suit against the makers of "Rocky and Bullwinkle" shortly before his death. (Russell Beland) Veteran ballerinas do not need to wear special toeshoes, because the bones in their feet have become fused en pointe. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Jimi Hendrix's first band in high school, the Li'l Stinkers, did polkas at weddings in the Seattle area. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Director Chuck Jones based the Porky Pig character on a real stuttering pig his parents once owned. (Brendan Beary) An Inker is exactly 319 Loser magnets tall (stacked flat) but weighs only as much as 127 magnets. -- R. Beland, Springfield (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) Next Week: Freak Trade Agreements, or Let's Fake a Deal ====================================================================== WEEK 707, published April 1, 2007 Week 707: What Would YOU Do? Oh, put that little thing away. You will not hook up here today. This year marks the 50th anniversary of one of the most brilliant examples of literary minimalism: "The Cat in the Hat," Dr. Seuss's masterpiece of anarchy, subversiveness and sloshing goldfish, all created in perfect English syntax with a vocabulary of just 236 words, including plurals -- the vast majority of them exceedingly simple one-syllable words. This week: Use only the words appearing in "The Cat in the Hat"(see the list) to create your own work of "literature" of no more than 75 words (though a much shorter entry is quite welcome): It can be in verse, like Kevin Dopart's example above; it can be a narrative or dialogue; it may sound Seussian or not. You must use the words exactly in the form on the list, except that you may combine them into compound words, and you may use any capitalization and punctuation you like. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a 2-foot-long bright red sign that says "Naked," salvaged by Tim Vanderlee of Austin from a supermarket display advertising this brand of juice. This is definitely what every Loser ought to hang from the ceiling above his office cubicle. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 9. Put "Week 707" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart Next week's revised title is by Pete Morelewicz of Washington Report From Week 703, in which we asked you for a "barter" posting like those on Craigslist, but funny. Oh, well. It doesn't happen very often, in our exalted opinion, but this is one of those rare Invitational contests that just went pbbbffft. Even the most reliably clever Losers couldn't do much with this one, producing not the usual astonishing strings of guffaw-producers but only a heh or two. Fortunately, the previous contest, Week 702, generated more kooky "Unreal Facts" than we had room for. So we'll share some more Honorable Mentions this week, below the smattering of worthies from Week 703. 4. Offering: customized vocabulary-building lessons. In trade for: one of those whatchamacallits with the big thingy on the side. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 3. A third-round draft pick for a 33-year-old dead-arm quarterback with a seven-year, $43 million contract and an $8.6 million signing bonus. Yeah, right, like anyone would take me up on that one. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 2. the winner of the bizarre alleged medical remedy from Oman: Adder's fork, blind-worm's sting, lizard's leg and howlet's wing for eye of Newt. Complete potion available in exchange for whole head. -- H.R.C., New York (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker Golf clubs for tennis racket: Decided it would be less painful if I beat myself in the head with the racket. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Trading Down Looking for tough, durable electric nose-hair trimmer. Will trade theater tickets plus unopened carton of condoms. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Late adopter seeks to trade box of 8-track tapes for pack of floppy disks. Please respond by mail to . . . (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Certain Korean nuclear arms control concessions for hand in marriage of Angelina Jolie (must wear flats). -- K.I.S., Pyongyang (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Will trade all copies of clandestine tape recordings made in the Oval Office (2003-06) for a full presidential pardon. -- I.L. Libby, Washington (Jeff Brechlin) Will trade black hole (small) for closet organizer system. I keep losing things. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester) Willing to swap Boston cream pie for complete collection of Piaf records. I really don't want to trade, but I know I can't have my cake and Edith too. (Russell Beland) Will trade my reputation as an honest, principled man for the Republican nomination. God Bless you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Will trade one peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich for your bag of Cheetos. My agent will also be happy to discuss yesterday's geography homework, which I've already completed. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Looking to trade a used computer for two years of Hustler. I figure it does the same thing but saves on electricity. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Will trade 1,000-watt car stereo with super bazooka subwoofer for front and rear windshields to a 2003 Honda Civic. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Have horse, midstream Potomac River. Will swap for another. Discretion a must. -- G.W.B., Northwest Washington (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Will swap late fetal paws for a good book of palindromes. (Jeff Brechlin) Several hours of thought for one original idea. (Ross Elliffe, Picton New Zealand) More Honorable Mentions from Week 702, "Unreal Facts." We have a creeping feeling that some of these will shortly be spread around the Internet, sans the Un-. Most store-bought honey these days comes not from bees but from roaches. (Russell Beland) Anchovies are one of the 23 ingredients in Dr Pepper. (Laura Gainor, Great Falls) On any given day, the average human hears at least two words that are new to his vocabulary. Sometimes more. -- G.W.B., Washington (Sue Lin Chong) Janis Joplin only wore panties labeled "Tuesday." (Russell Beland) Cave-aged cheese contains trace amounts of gold and bat guano. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Four of the ingredients in a Burger King milkshake can be found in windshield washer fluid. (Dean Evangelista, Rockville) In the early days of the NFL, football was considered a "gentlemen's game" like tennis or golf, and spectators were expected to keep silent for each play until the ball was snapped. (Roy Ashley) As a young man, Steve Martin dyed his hair white. (Russell Beland) Genghis Khan never rode without taking his pet hamster. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Viagra was originally developed to keep celery fresh. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) In recipes calling for skunk urine, you may substitute an equal amount of water, plus one tablespoon of ammonia. (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Crack cocaine got its name by people originally using it in suppository form. (Russell Beland) An ant is capable of lifting an object five times its own weight but is incapable of getting off its lazy thorax and taking out the garbage. -- Anita Ant, Ant Farm, Rockville (Stephen Dudzik) Each of NASA's Apollo missions carried an extra astronaut in case of emergency. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Until organizers found out and canceled the contract in 1999, Vegan Action pamphlets were printed in ink containing pigments made from cow blood. (Kevin Dopart) Alexander the Great's name more accurately translates into English as Alexander the Above Average. (Russell Beland) There is as much nutrition in the peel of one potato as in a 12-ounce serving of carpet tacks. (Brendan Beary) Iridium and beryllium are the only two elements known to mate. (Bob Dalton) Adrian Fenty's fedora used to belong to Jack Abramoff. (Kevin Dopart) By October 1941, Roosevelt had secretly learned of four things we had to fear in addition to fear itself. (Russell Beland) View all comments that have been posted about this article. © 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Next Week: Another Game of Tag, or Plate Textonics ====================================================================== WEEK 708, published April 8, 2007 Week 708: What Kind of Foal Am I? Forefathers + Dreaming of Anna = DNA Tests Highest Degree + Seeking Affairs = Really Hot Date Time for the Invitational that traditionally draws the most entries of any contest all year: Here is a list of 100 of the horses eligible for this year's Triple Crown races. Your job is to "breed" any two -- never mind that almost all of them are male -- and provide an appropriate name for their foal, as in the examples above by Russell Beland of Springfield, a Loser so pathetically obsessed with our horse names contest (one year he submitted 487 entries) that he sent the Empress a list of possible breedings before he knew which 100 names she had chosen from this year's list of more than 450 eligible horses. As in real life, the names cannot be longer than 18 characters, including spaces. There is no limit on the number of entries you send, but if you're writing more than a handful, be sure to double-space and don't save your best entries for the bottom of the page; if the E reads an e-mail whose first 15 entries don't move her, her eyes and mind may start to glaze over by No. 16. Keep in mind that for this contest -- as with all contests for which it's pretty easy to come up with something -- many people are going to send in identical entries, thus canceling each other out. So, for instance, if you're going to combine Private Humor and Golden Balls, you'd better come up with a truly original name for the foal. Results run May 6, the same day as the news about the Kentucky Derby. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives an uckily cool prize donated by Loser 4 Ever Russell Beland: this genuine brand-new bicycle helmet painted to look like a human brain. So you can fall off your bike and have your brains on the street without the accompanying medical bills. It is brain size Small. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 16. Put "Week 708" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Mark Eckenwiler. Report From Week 704, in which we asked for vanity license plates for well-known figures: 4. Thomas Edison: GEN 1:3 (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3. Michael Richards: SPU N H8 (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) 2. Matt Groening: GOT DOH (Ira Goldman, Washington)(Bob Staake For The Washington Post) And the Winner of the Inker Stephen Colbert: REPORCAR (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) A Bumper Crop Hank Aaron: NO (Kevin Dopart, Washington) George Allen: MACACAR (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda) Pamela Anderson: O O (Karl Koerber, Crescent Valley, B.C.; Herb Greene, Catonsville, Md.) Mrs. Ben Bernanke: UNDERFED (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Metro General Manager John Catoe: Front plate: LOOK OUT Rear plate: OOPS (John Kupiec, Fairfax) Sacha Baron Cohen: @@@NICE! (Gary Hevel, Silver Spring) Ann Coulter: FLAGHAG (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Marie Curie: UGLOGIRL (Jeff Brechlin) Kevin Federline: MY15RUP (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Mark Foley: RU 18 (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Robert Frost: Robert Frost: < TRAVELD (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Genghis Khan: / N BURN (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Philip Glass: O O O O (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.; Dave Prevar) Al Gore: I-1 I-1 (Kevin Dopart) Werner Heisenberg: I DUNNO (Brendan Beary) Paris Hilton: HEIRHEAD (Karl Koerber) Katie Holmes: IDONTASK (Roy Ashley, Washington) Scooter Libby: MADEBYME (Jeff Brechlin, Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Rush Limbaugh: BHEMOUTH (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) Rene Magritte: NOTACAR (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Harriet Miers: JUDG NOT (Arlee C. Green, Merrifield) Edvard Munch: :-O (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Lisa Nowak: PAMPERED (John Flynn, Olney; Brendan Beary) Dave Oreck: SUXSFUL (Larry Yungk) Valerie Plame: C*VERT (Ira Goldman) Ferdinand Porsche: MYOTHER1 (Russell Beland, Springfield) Karl Rove: BKCTDRVR (Larry Yungk) Karl Rove: WHO ME? (Marjorie Streeter, Reston) Donald Rumsfeld: CARIHAV (Russell Beland) P_TS_J_K (Brendan Beary) Emmitt Smith: HEGOTGAM (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Rev. William Spooner: WACKBARD (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Tom Waits: 4 NO MAN (Brendan Beary) Ruth Westheimer: , SUTRA (Mark Eckenwiler) Tony Soprano: UUUALDED (Dave Prevar) Satan: CUNL (Beverley Sharp) The Apostle Peter: D9D9D9 (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) The Coppertone Girl: )) (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Moses: O4AGPS (Kevin Gowen, Stevensville, Md.) Jesus: > (Kevin Dopart) Jesus: WWID (Russell Beland) Next Week: Simile Outrageous, or Parallel Play Note: The list of words used in "The Cat and the Hat," accompanying last Sunday's Week 707 contest, omitted the word "say." So in case you'd like to come with some new entries, we're extending the deadline from tomorrow to Wednesday. ====================================================================== WEEK 709, published April 15, 2007 Week 709: A Return Engagement Even though this year's tax deadline isn't until Tuesday, it is still possible that one or two of you reading this column have already sent in your returns and can turn your attention fully to the task at hand. And the rest of you can easily catch up, because you'll be full of fresh ideas with which you can vent: This week: Come up with some novel change to the tax code: a tax on something that ought to be taxed, a credit for something that should be rewarded, what that $3 should go to instead of presidential campaigns, etc. Serious tax reform ideas are not welcome, any more than they are in Congress. This week's contest was suggested by Eager Beaver Loser Drew Bennett, who probably filed on Jan. 2. Winner gets either (1) his next year's taxes paid for by The Washington Post Co. or (2) the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy (The Post chooses). First runner-up receives an original poster of the Captain and Tennille -- those icons of the Golden Age of the Death Throes of Top 40 Radio -- that Washington Post sports copy editor Sushant Sagar had been holding on to since 1976. We are certain that Sushant will henceforth be called Muskrat Love Sagar by the sports department, including on his pay stub. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 23. Put "Week 709" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Results will be published May 13. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Randy Lee. Next week's revised title is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village Report From Week 705, in which we asked for amusing analogies. Note that, unlike in the two previous analogy contests, we didn't ask for bad ones, just amusing ones. Sure, often their badness is what's funny about them, but even here, things don't always have to be bad to be good. 5. His heart sank like a rowboat made of fish sticks. (W.H. Welsh IV, Springfield) 4. The evening was as uneventful as a spin of Left Foot Red when your left foot is already on red. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 3. Jim was as nervous as an albino penguin in a bowling alley. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) 2. the winner of the Wedding Slinger toy-bride-shooter: His eyes were a deep blue, like the color someone's lips turn when he's had a heart attack in the airport, just before he gets hit with the automatic external defibrillators. (Anthony Yeznach, Wilsonville, Ore.) And the Winner of the Inker Her mouth was so sensual and delicate you would never use the word "piehole" to describe it. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) The Other Metaphortunates She felt alone and threatened, like a fat cell on a a fashion model's thigh. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) As usual, Larry King's questioning was anything but tough -- it was like trying to stone a heretic with Peeps. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The point of his argument came across about as clearly as the white subtitles in "The March of the Penguins." (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) The truth was slippery, like a lake trout used as a ping-pong paddle.(W.H. Welsh IV) She was as thin as Ann Coulter after a bile-ectomy. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) She was as controlling as the software that blocks DoctorDentons.com because "Access to lingerie Web sites is forbidden." (John Kupiec, Fairfax) When the bomb fell on that freight train in the war zone, it sounded just like a tornado. (Ira Allen, Bethesda; Stephen Dudzik, Olney) There was something about him that just screamed money, as if he'd trained a myna bird to fly around him shouting "money." (Russell Beland) Her eyes were like twin cyclopses. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Watching forlornly as his prom date danced with another guy, Jake realized that in the game of love, he was as pathetic as a n00b who's been pwn3d for the first time. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) His mustache looked like a fuzzy caterpillar seeking shade under a big nose. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Looking for the right Google entry to plagiarize is like trying to find June 16 on one of those flipping calendars in old B movies. (Ira Allen) Her chest was flatter than the "t" on a used-up tube of Crest. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Seeing this guy, it was like I was looking in the mirror, except he was three-dimensional and didn't wear his wedding ring on his right hand. (Russell Beland) He mangled his prose the way he mangled his bifocals when they fell in the blender and ruined the margaritas, which he drank anyway, which might have been why he mangled his prose. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) The baseball flew at his face like a white meteor with red stitching. (Dan Bahls, Brighton, Mass.) She was jumping up and down laughing hysterically, like a hyena duct-taped to a kangaroo. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Trying to keep down his anger was like trying to stuff Siamese twins into a garbage can: No matter what part you shoved down, some other part popped up. (W.H. Welsh IV) He knew this argument with his wife was unwinnable, like the war in Iraq, but that's why he couldn't resist one final surge. (Joseph Romm, Washington) There was something funny about it, like it was the opposite of "The Family Circus." (Russell Beland) The daylight slowly stole away like a crooked bookkeeper. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) His life had reached a dead end, as if he had Googled "What do i do next?" and retrieved "HTTP Error 503: Service Unavailable." (Jay Shuck) Huck gradually accepts that liberty and self-sacrifice are inseparable, like Paris and Nicole. (Laura McGinnis, Takoma Park) Bob felt as out of place as a Kotex decal on a NASCAR vehicle. (Brendan Beary) She had the lilting, country-fried drawl of a senator from New York. (Jay Shuck) Her pushed-up cleavage reminded him of two Charlie Brown heads. (Randy Lee, Burke) The dragonfly's wing was as iridescent as the silvery purple/blue streaks in Arby's sliced roast beef. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Her eyes were entrancing, the pale liquid blue you see in the toilet bowl when the Ty-D-Bol tablet is almost gone. (Dennis Lindsay) The diamond glistened like the pavement underneath a turkey deep-fryer. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Dangerous Bob was so dangerous that if you crossed a wolverine with a grizzly bear with a mountain lion with a Siberian tiger, he'd probably kill you because he hates animal experimentation. (Seth Brown) The law's purpose was inexplicable, like that weird yellow grit on the bottom of English muffins. (Brendan Beary) There was something appealing about her that he just couldn't put his finger on, unlike that last girl, who smacked him when had put his finger on her appealing part. (Russell Beland) Her skin was cold and clammy, like a clam that had been stretched over a human body. And not a cooked clam, either. (Andrew Hoenig) Her emotions were a mixture of fear and joy, like when you have a really good-looking stalker. (Kevin Marshall, South Riding) We were all alone, just like the characters on that show "Lost" except that we were all alone. (Russell Beland) Her tears rolled down her face, playing pinball on her zits. (Chuck Smith) The news hit him hard, like a stack of Sunday Washington Posts thrown from a moving truck, in fact exactly like that. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) Next Week: Questionable Journalism, or Jest Ask ====================================================================== WEEK 710, published April 22, 2007 Week 710: Aw, Shoot It's the third Style Invitational photo contest, the bane of a few text-only Invitationalists but a welcome challenge for others, who offered up dozens of clever and surprisingly technically accomplished entries in the previous contests, which featured quirky takes on fruit and vegetables. This week: Send us a funny, clever, entirely original photo featuring kitchen utensils and/or small household tools. Digital doctoring is welcome, but you may not steal other people's photos -- or ideas. Funny titles and captions are optional (don't bother using a certain play on the word "fork"); don't put them in the photo, though. We prefer that you e-mail the photos as attachments -- not right on the e-mail -- in standard digital formats (we'll contact you if we can't open them up properly) or you may mail them to the address below. Sorry, photos won't be returned. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a car antenna ornament -- a little yellow ball with hair and sunglasses -- that is sold as "Elvis" but is obviously Roy Orbison, donated by Kevin Dopart in a shameless effort to buy ink. Also: the Perfect Parker, a little smiley-face ball with arms and legs and a stop sign in his or her hand. You hang Perfect in your garage so that, at the end of a grueling commute home, you'll have the gratification of driving right into the face of an incessantly cheery person. Both are pictured, below. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by mail to The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th Deadline is Monday, April 30. Put "Week 710" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Results will be published May 20. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. Next week's revised title is by Tom Witte. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Roy Ashley of Washington. Report From Week 706, in which we once again asked people to take a sentence from that week's Washington Post and supply a question that the sentence might answer: 4. "Each time I find myself at the bottom of these behemoths, I slap on a fierce look and begin to climb -- determined that this time I won't lose my dignity. As the National Zoo's proctologist, what's it like examining the elephants? (Mike Fransella, Arlington) 3. April is the perfect time/ To think of words that match and rhyme. What were the opening lines of T.S. Eliot's first draft of "The Waste Land"? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2. the winner of the Brain Drain candy and Scorned Woman mustard: Cut the shrimp in half crosswise and set aside. What will Karl and Dick do if Scooter rats them out? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the Winner of the Inker They must also not appear partisan. In addition to being partisan, what's expected of a U.S. attorney?(Russell Beland, Springfield) Below the Fold Some people might say you are trying to take advantage of other people's troubles. When do you reply, "Well, duh, that's why I went to law school"? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) This is the place that made me who I am. What's so special about the back seat of your parents' SUV? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Enter a nondescript building in Ballston, take the escalator to the second floor, and make a sharp right. How do you get hold of Verizon customer service? (John Kupiec, Fairfax) The researchers matched 9,477 women who died between 1980 and 2004 with women who didn't die. Why did the Lesbian Dating Research Service go out of business? (Chris Doyle) TD is characterized by four or more loose or watery bowel movements in a day. How has Tom DeLay coping with exile from the halls of power? (Brendan Beary) "No, no, he says, wrapping his scarf back around his neck." Has he ever heard of Isadora Duncan? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) But snacking is a different story. Isn't it true that full- blown cannibalism is extremely rare? (Russell Beland) I could use a lantern down here. What was the tag line on Fox's short-lived series "Grizzly Mendelbaum, Frontier Gynecologist"? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Officers found a woman performing a dental procedure on a man. What's the first line of Hugh Grant's police record? (Russell Beland) You're going to have to learn to substitute the excitement of sex with the much more tepid pleasures. What is the true meaning of "I do"? (Rick Haynes, Potomac) The French can eat all kinds of gross stuff. Why did President Bush serve grits, a corn dog and a Twinkie to Jacques Chirac? (Mae Scanlan, Washington) It used to be people would complain they were delayed overnight; now you hear of people delayed two and even three days. What has been the public's reaction to JetBlue's new "comfort girl/guy" service for its flight delays? (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Fragmented, insecure, ivory-towered, obsessed with sex and celebrity, the Hellenist era is, as all historians agree, the period of classic antiquity that most resembles our own. How did George Will respond to a waitress who asked if he wanted fries with his gyro? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) There are ways to deal with that. Senator, how do you respond to your opponent's charge that you're a crime boss in New Jersey? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) We think it could change Paris's image -- make it quieter, less polluted, with a nicer atmosphere. Monsieur, what does the French government want to accomplish with its ban on chain-smoking, wine-snob, arrogant Parisians? (Cheryl Davis, Arlington) After five weeks, things just drop off. Why does Joan Rivers visit her plastic surgeon every four weeks? (Randy Lee, Burke) There's free mouthwash and chewing tobacco, free sunblock and tampons, and after a free massage, you can make a delightful lunch out of Jack Link's beef jerky. What do they do at meetings of those Red Hat Ladies? (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Children cannot or do not read labels, but the unhappy-face picture would get their attention. Why are forehead tattoos being proposed for convicted pedophiles? (Chris Doyle) He's married with kids. So what's wrong with that Warren Jeffs guy? (Yoyo Zhou, Cambridge, Mass.) I have not been willing to try for the Big Bang. Mr. Gore, is there ANY development you don't attempt to take credit for? (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) Now she keeps spare evening gowns and hot rollers in her car, along with a boxful of costume jewelry, a jumble of makeup, a laundry basket full of shoes, a few bananas and some Chex Mix, dance costumes and, of course, her crown. How has the recent downturn in the British economy affected Queen Elizabeth? (Kevin Dopart) I truly understand the pickle you're in. What did the Planters Peanut mascot say to the Vlasic mascot? (Russell Beland) Things that don't usually stick out must be stuck out; things that don't usually dangle must be dangled; things that don't normally arch must be arched. What was the original draft of "Do the Hokey Pokey"? (Ira Allen, Bethesda) I don't want to think that far ahead. And do you promise to love her and cherish her until death do you part? (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. When former Army secretary Francis Harvey starts his new job at the Pulitzer board, what will be his first order? (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Next Week: Well, What Would YOU Do? or Kitty Litterature ====================================================================== WEEK 711, published April 29, 2007 Week 711: Join Now! Judi-genious: Able to get O.J. acquitted. Var-mit: A license to raise rats in your yard. For the legions out there who believe the English lexicon is just too darn small, here's another of our perennial neologism contests: Hyphenate the beginning and end of any two multi-syllabic words appearing anywhere in the April 29 or May 6 Style or Sunday Arts section, and then define the compound. Each part should consist of at least one syllable but can't be the entire word, and your entry can't be an actual English word. You may use the new word in a sentence. Readers on washingtonpost.com after today: Click on "Print Edition" at the top of the page, then on "View Previous Editions" a couple of inches below. Both halves of the examples are from this column. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a 30-inch-high styrofoam capital L (for Loser, natch) with a curved top that makes it look like a backward 2. It was sent to us at great expense by Arthur Litoff of York Springs, Pa., who made the Empress promise that she would mention that he is a member of the Dramatists Guild. There you go, Arthur! If you "win" this L and are not inclined to come and pick it up, the Empress will substitute something else. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by mail to The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th Deadline is Monday, May 7. Put "Week 711" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Results will be published May 27. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. Next week's revised title is by Kevin Dopart. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Susan Urban of Silver Spring. Report From Week 707, in which we asked you to write humorous poetry or prose using only the 236 words used in "The Cat in the Hat." Concerned that such a small group of almost all one-syllable words wouldn't permit clever and varied enough writing, the Empress told entrants they could combine words on the list into compound words. Immediately, numerous Losers started submitting entries that included not just true compound words but such meldings as "so" and "up" to make "soup." Clearly not in the spirit of the contest, but awfully ingenious, and funny enough to merit a rule-bend. ("Funny enough" is the primary judicial criterion when it comes to imperial leniency.) 4. I stand up, go near her. "You are a fox, how about the two of us . . ." "Your fly is down," she says. Red in the face, I sit back down. Man, that was cold. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) 3. I was, like, a mess. But now my head has a new look! Kind of pink. I had to pack up and, like, go away for a little. It was no big thing. Want to go out? -- B. Spears, Los Angeles (Anne Paris, Arlington) 2. The winner of the big red Naked sign: Who put the bump in the bump-deep-bump-deep- bump? Do do run run run, do do run run. Put your head on my --Hold it, Pot-see! This is when your show jumps the you-know-what. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) And the Winner of the Inker On day one He made the sun and all. And He saw it was good. Then He made a man. From out of the man, she came. Now there were two. And the two did something. What they did was bad. So there was shame. A lot of it. And He said, go away from here! And they went away and be-got another. And that one be-got another one. And so on. -- The Good Book. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) These Did Not Do as Well Give a man a fish and he will not fast. Show a man how to fish, and he will sit all day and hold a string on a hook, with nothing to show for it. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Your mother so big, if she fell into the well, she would not know it was wet. (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Some things that should not be said in the White House: "Look at that fox!" "Get me some pot!" "This bump? Oh, I fell down when I was high." "Do you know this fun game? No? Well, I put my hands on your dear little can . . ." "Come on up, cupcake! Hop into my big bed! (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Mother, why do I always get picked last for ball games? Now, now -- be a dear and put your pink gown back on. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) If I step on a rake, I will get a bump on my head, and I will be sad. If you do it, it will be funny as all get-out. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I and he as you are he as you are me and we are all to-get-her. See how they run like strings from the fun, see how they fly For nothing. I and the milk man, they are the milk man. I is the wall-was, who-do-we-two. (John Kupiec, Fairfax) To be or not to be, that is the thing asked. Is it good, do you think, to put up with the kicks and bumps of bad things, or to stand up to them, And with that stop them? (Russell Beland, Springfield) I saw this on the box in our house. A man who looked mad said: "Did you say that to ME? Did you say that to ME? Did you say that to ME? Then who did you say it to? Did you say that to ME? Well, I am the one that is here. Who did you think that you said it to? Oh yes?" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "Look," said Sally. "There are fish in my bed. Fish with big . . . big hands." "That is some good pot," said Mother. "Can I have another hit?" (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) Yes: Let us play something bad. How about "Up, Up, and Away"? The Who: No, do "The Way We Were." It is so put-rid! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Lay down, Sally, and plop here in my hands. Do you think you want someone to talk to? Lay down, Sally. No fun to hop so soon. I would stand here all the day to bump with you. (Randy Lee, Burke) I red how you make fun of me, Well, let me tell you what: You wood be nothing with out me, So you can bite my but! -- J.D. Quayle, Indianapolis (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Want to hear our new hit? I can play it for you. It will come out any day now and go to the top: Oh, I . . . tell you something I think you something something When I say that something I want to hold your hand. -- John Lennon, 1963 (Russell Beland) From the Play "White House Fun and Games": POT-US: What can I say to get whoseewhatsit in Iran to back down? Me: Something will come to you. POT-US: How about this? "When I say 'jump,' you say 'how high?' " Me: That would be good. POT-US: This? "Go a-head -- make my day." Me: Another good one. POT-US: I got it! "Bite me!" Me: There you go. POT-US: Well, he asked for it. Me: Yes he did. -- K. Rove, Washington (Chris Doyle) Say you are about to hit your ball when you get a call and hear that your mother has gone to the here-after. What things would come to mind? Should I go with the two-wood? Will I play a hook? Can I get it near the cup? (Chris Doyle) We did not like the bad man. It was our wish to tip the out-house when he was in it. "Did you do it?" he asked. We did not tell. My mother did not like the man. We said nothing, but it was her wish too. "Did he go plop plop?" she asked. Man, that was funny. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Dear Little Man: Do you want to get big, fast? You know she would want you to. So ship your in-for-mat-i-on to me now and I will give you all that you could wish for. (Spam-I-Am, Whoville) (Kevin Dopart) Would you, could you, in a box? Would you, could you, with a fox?(Oh, what a shame -- now that I look, All that was from another book.) (Brendan Beary; Jay Shuck) And Last: When you put down lots and lots of funny things, you should get the Think-man with that thing on his head. Not always, I know, but now and then. (G. Smith, Reston) Read more Honorable Mentions. /More Honorable Mentions for Week 707 of The Style Invitational, in which we asked readers to write things using only the words in "The Cat in the Hat," or words consisting of combinations thereof:/ *It is always a hit-and-run thing for me. I hit on them and they run away from me. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *"Want some tail?" asked the man. "You will like her, I know."* *So Sunny came to me and said, "Let us go."* *She got out of her gown. "I do not have all day."* *She sat on the bed and said, "Now let us play."* *We did not get it on. You would think that I could --* *But my shame and my fear did not let me get wood.* *-- H. Caulfield, no fixed address* (Ned Andrews, Danville, Va.) *What they say at NOW: "It is good when they are gone; we do well without them. But not always. They do have one thing we want now and then."* (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Mother, you play a sad game. You find these cold fish and make them your pink playthings. You shame us -- me, Sally, Pat. We go white when we hear something new. "She did what? With who? When?" We wish you would stop, but no. Deep down, you know the day will come when your tricks run out. Not for nothing do they call you the Fox. (Rory Ewins, Edinburgh, Scotland) *Gore'd have you think that he came up with the In-for-mat-i-on High-way and that he was on top in two-oh-oh-oh. Well, let me tell you, it was me who made us what we are to-day. -- G.W.B., Washington (Kevin Dopart) [Gore'd: go-red, see?] *I do not like it when the sun go down.* *No, I do not like it when that sun go down.* *It make me think of Sally in her gown.* *My Sally mess about with some bad man,* *Oh, my Sally mess about with that bad man,* *I did them in, and now I in the can.* *-- W. C. Handy, St. Louis* (Valerie Matthews, Ashton, Md.) *Something in the way she bumps* *Has got me like no other mother.* *Something in the way she thumps me.* *Do not want to blame her now.* *You know I can tame her now. (Randy Lee, Burke) *This cat (we call him "Bumps") did this bit about Tall Sally. It went kind of like "Oh, be-be/ Yes, yes, yes, be-be/ Who-who-who, be-be," and it said that we would have some fun when the sun went down. Man, with that hook, it was a big, BIG hit. And it was a fast mother, too -- it made me jump and shake my tail when it would play at hops.* (Bob Dalton, Arlington) *What You Should Know: "Big": funny, a hit; "A.I.": sad, some bumps, see it; "High Noon": from way back, good; "To Have and Have Not": this is good, too); "Hook" (Oh no! Two thumps down!); "Them": So bad it had to be good.* (Kevin Dopart) *The house is cold, with little here* *That we can do for kicks;* *A ship came in, and mother's gone* *To shake her tail for tricks.* *Oh Sally, we should go -- I fear* *The mess will hit the fan,* *If any of that lot find out* *That mother is a man.* (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Here are some things my man in the White House should say to the head of I-ran:* *You are in deep do-do, and it is about to hit the fan.* *Look, I have had it up to here with you. Get bent!* *I could see to it that As-sad kicks your tail all the way to Tall-a-has-see.* *-- Dennis Miller, Hollywood* (Chris Doyle) *He said, "Why do we have to have this bad fish dish? It is cold and wet. Look at it shake -- a cat would not want that!"* *She said, "My mother made it, so shut up." Plop! -- Rabbi G. Filte, Brooklyn* (Kevin Dopart) Next Week: What Kind of Foal Am I? or Ponyms ====================================================================== WEEK 712, published May 6, 2007 Week 712: Another Time Around the Track We tried this spinoff contest last year, with a little trepidation, and it turned out that we had no reason to be trepid after all. So, like indiscriminate animal breeders, we'll try to wring another season out of it: "Breed" any two of the winning "offspring" included in the results of Week 708 below, and name THEIR foal. The difficulty of this contest lies in the fact that many of the names already contain puns; your wordplay should be significantly different from the original. As always, the names must contain no more than 18 characters, including spaces. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up wins a neat plastic mini-model of a human skull and its contents, sent as a promotion for a local exhibit of real bodies and their contents. Not only can you take various pieces of the brain out and play with them, but there's a spring attached to the jaw. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 14. Put "Week 712" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. (No, over-literal Losers, you don't have to include the quotation marks!) Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland. The Honorable Mentions name is by Ned Bent, which is not a pseudonym. Report From Week 708, in which, as we do every spring, we asked you to "breed" any two horses from a list of 100 candidates for this year's Triple Crown races and name their offspring. Not only was the Empress overwhelmed with entries -- there were close to 10,000 -- but they were especially good this year; the E's first cut of clever and funny worthies numbered more than 350. If you entered this contest and your name doesn't appear below, you are definitely on that other list. Oh, for sure. Among the good entries submitted by too many people: Nobiz Like Showbiz + Oceanography = Ethel Mermaid; Acquire the Fire + Ketchikan = Baked Alaska; and Flying First Class + Hanky Panky = Mile High Club. And lots of Don Imus jokes. Ho ho ho. 5. Warn + Gentle Romeo = She's Not Dead! (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) 4. Esoteric Thinker + Hanky Panky = Coito Ergo Sum (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3. Golden Balls + Private Humor = Don't Touch, Midas (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) 2. the winner of the brain-motif bike helmet: Men's Magazine + Subscriber = Chicks in the Mail (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the Winner of the Inker Warn + Great Hunter = We'llKeepOrionYou (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) The Horses Behind Acquire the Fire + I'm All Out = Zippo (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Ascetic + I'm All Out = Friar Tuckered (Chris Doyle) Ascetic + Men's Magazine = Popular Mechanics (Russell Beland, Springfield) Augment and Blazing Bull = More Cowball! (Judith Cottrill, New York) BirdBirdIsTheWord + No Reply = Egrets Only (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) BirdBirdIsTheWord + Panty Raid = The Pelican Briefs (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.; Chris Doyle) BirdBirdIsTheWord + Schoolboy = Bird B-I-R-D Bird (Russell Beland) Bye Yawl + Eat Em Alive = Bermuda Triangle (Courtney Knauth, Washington) Call Me Dude + Forefathers = Calleth Us Dudes (Russell Beland) Circular Quay + Green Secret = Quay Lime Pi (Brendan Beary) Clued In + Reporting for Duty = Colonel Mustered (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Cowtown Cat + Senior = Wyatt AARP (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Curlin + Something Sonic = Sweepin in Seattle (Robin Diallo, New Delhi) Deadly Dealer + Panty Raid = Executioners Thong (Chris Doyle) Deliberately + Men's Magazine = Calculated Risque (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Eat Em Alive + Safety Zone = Months Ending in R (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Esoteric Thinker + Take It All Back = Rekant (Steve Fahey; Russell Beland) Exhale + Bye Yawl = Halitosis (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Exhale + Pitch = Sigh Young (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.; Pam Sweeney) Extra Point + Approval Rating = P.A.T. on the Back (Chris Doyle) Flying First Class + Schoolboy = First Flying Class (Russell Beland) Forty Grams + Esoteric Thinker = Wizard of 1.4 Oz (Brendan Beary) Gold Brew + Tenfold = Veinte Equis (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Gold Brew + Giant Sequoia = Premium Logger (Mark Eckenwiler; Brendan Beary) Golden Balls + I'm All Out = Pawnbroke (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Golden Balls + NoBizLikeShobiz = Call Them Globes (Ira Goldman, Washington) Grasshopper + Deadly Dealer = Creme de Meth (Cy Gardner) Great Hunter + Forty Grams = Boone's Pharmacy (Mark Eckenwiler) Great Hunter + Gold Brew = Orion's Belt (Stuart Berlin, Derwood) Green Secret + Hanky Panky = Kermit Loves Bert (Russell Beland) Green Secret + Rags to Riches = Horatio Al Gore (Steve Fahey; Russell Beland) Happy Humor + Esoteric Thinker = Jon Stewart Mill (Mark Eckenwiler) Highest Degree + Circular Quay = Post Dock (Valerie Matthews, Ashton) Highest Degree + Summer Doldrums = Doctor Do Little (Lorri Mechem, Arlington) Kong's Revenge + Acquire the Fire = Auto-da-Fay (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Pam Sweeney) Kong's Revenge + Eat Em Alive = No More Auntie (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Light of the World + Exhale = Savior Breath (Mark Eckenwiler) Light of the World + Flying Apple = Peace Core (Rick Bell, London) Major Pleasure + Tenfold = Six Hundred Ninety (Tom Witte) Men's Magazine + I'm All Out = Spenthouse (Joe Neff, Oreland, Pa.) Mister White Socks + Augment = Mr Pocket Protector (Kevin Dopart, Washington) No Reply + OK Deputy = Nein to Fife (Pam Sweeney) Oceanography + Backlash = Abalone! (Mark Eckenwiler) OK Deputy + Bye Yawl = Dawgone (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Owners Manual + So Amazing = It's In English (Laurie Brink) Panty Raid + Acquire the Fire = BVD STD (Randy Lee, Burke) Pavarotti + Forty Grams = The Four Tenners (Mike Hammer) Pitch + Exhale = Nats Blow Another (Cy Gardner) Propaganda + Hanky Panky = TriumphOfTheWilly (Mark Eckenwiler) Rags to Riches + Cowtown Cat = Alger Hiss (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Men's Magazine + Reporting for Duty = Stand Up N Salute (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Saint Paul + Extra Point = Conversion (Jan Brandstetter, Mechanicsville, Md.; Harvey Smith, McLean) Senior + Nobiz Like Shobiz = Angina Monologues (Ellen Raphaeli) Something Sonic + Deadly Dealer = Seattle Slew (Dave Prevar; Mark Eckenwiler) Tsetse Fly + Dreaming of Anna = Sleeping Thickness (Brendan Beary) Warn + BirdBirdIsTheWord = Duck! (Harvey Smith) What a Tale + Liquidity = The Story of Eau (Chris Doyle) Next Week: A Return Engagement, or Deductio ad Absurdum ====================================================================== WEEK 713, published May 13, 2007 Week 713: Painings Portrait of the Artist: Here's Fred's self-portrait from Week 662, "Looking Down at My Feet," which won the Inker in last year's "Humiliate Yourself for Ink" contest. Fred is a generous-sized man. If you Google "world's ugliest painting," with quotation marks, right at the top of the list will be the now-famous "Woman With White Face, Red Hair, Scary Mouth and Little Tiny Claw Hand," painted many years ago by Loser Fred Dawson of Beltsville, who donated it as an Invitational prize in 2005, whereupon the winner gave it back to us, setting off another contest. All of this fame went to Fred's head, which prompted Fred to go to Fred's shed and dig out three more paintings he made in the early 1970s, which seems to be his surrealistic period. At least we knew what the red-haired woman was supposed to be. This week: Name and interpret any of these three paintings. A 50-word description would be a long entry. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. And the winner also gets a couple of what the first runner-up gets, because they're just amazingly cool: these genuine, usable 39-cent Style Invitational postage stamps featuring the World's Ugliest Painting, created by Loser Stephen Dudzik of Olney on the Zazzle.com Web site. Fred also gets some of these stamps, and so does the Empress, just because. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 21. Put "Week 713" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest was suggested by both Dave Prevar and Kevin Dopart. The Honorable Mentions name is by Mark Eckenwiler. Report From Week 709, in which we sought some changes to the tax system, to tax forms, etc. A lot of entries focused on various pet peeves; they were summed up by this one from Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn: Take more money from people I don't like. 4. Require IRS auditors to use pre-warmed probes. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) 3. Oil companies should have to pay by the gas station system: with 9/10 of a dollar added to each tax dollar they pay. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) 2. the winner of the vintage Captain and Tennille poster: The future dependent deferral option: You can designate a big portion of your taxes to be paid (with interest) by your grandchildren, or other people's grandchildren, after you are gone -- thus making the government's favorite budgeting strategy available to anyone. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) And the Winner of the Inker The Filing Status choices on the current 1040 are outdated and don't cover enough possibilities. Add some new options, like these that I found in the April 15 Style section: European-Born Divorced Professional White Male; Beautiful Sexy Sweet Single Asian Female; New from Iowa Single Hispanic Female; or Grand Old Tiger Divorced White Male. (Ernie Staples, Silver Spring) Infernal Residue On the "Pay to the Order Of" line of your check, you will be permitted to write "Those Bloodsucking Bureaucrats." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Special Prosecutor Fund: Check here if you want $3 to go toward investigating the person elected with the $3 you contributed when you checked that other box. (John Chamberlain, Silver Spring) Any expenditure made while thinking good thoughts shall be considered a charitable donation. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) The Game of E-Tax Chicken: The last 100 taxpayers to file before midnight on April 15 get double refunds. But of course, if the server backs up and the return doesn't get through till after 12, then you have to pay the big late fee. (Chuck Koelbel, Houston) Remove the tax-exempt status of all religious organizations, except those belonging to the one true religion. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Add a tax on bottled water to fund the cleanup of America's rivers and lakes so that they are good enough to drink and people won't have to spend money on imported bottled water because tap water will do just fine thank you. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) For the presidential checkoff, you are also required to indicate your candidate. Then, for the four years after the election, the entire federal surplus or debt is divided among those who backed the winner. Talk about accountability. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) We should tax acts of terrorism against the United States. With all the death and destruction terrorists bring, it seems only fair to make them pay extra. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Don't change a thing. The current system is perfect. -- L. von Sacher-Masoch, Lemberg, Austria (Mark Eckenwiler) The 1040 instructions say, "We welcome comments on forms." Those IRS people shouldn't say that if they don't mean it -- at least they didn't much like the comments I wrote all over MY forms. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Make tax returns due April 1. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Taxpayers who cannot see the obvious truth that their boyfriend is completely wrong for them and that I'm the one who really cares about them may claim the Blind exemption. (Jon Milstein, Falls Church) There's actually a Schedule SE that has to be filed for church employees who made $108.28 or more. Is that ridiculous or what! Obviously, the figure should be $108.74. (Peter Metrinko) If the basis of a member of a consolidated group in a share of stock of a subsidiary exceeds its value immediately before a deconsolidation of the share, the basis of the share is not reduced to an amount equal to its value. Hee, hee! I crack myself up sometimes. -- M. Dukakis, Boston (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) To simplify calculations, allow taxpayers to round all figures to the nearest $1 million. (Mark Eckenwiler) Next Week: Aw, Shoot! or Pot Shots ====================================================================== WEEK 714, published May 20, 2007 Week 714: Amalgamated Steal Grey Poupon and Dockers are expected to become PouponPants. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become Poly Warner Cracker. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge and become ZipAudiDoDa. Aren't those combinations marvelous? Well, they've been marveled about extensively in print, not to mention online, since at least 1998. According to a Nexis search, a list of these and other clever corporate mergers has been printed 47 times in major publications. Sometimes they're credited to the readers who sent them in. Sometimes they're credited to the other newspaper writer who printed them. A few times they're called anonymous. Quite often they're not credited at all, leaving the reader to assume they were original. Okay, clever person who wrote these, here's your chance: Step up and be celebrated. And it would be really, really!!! stupid if you lied, you know? For the rest of you: Merge two or more company or product names into a new, ORIGINAL company or product. You may want to explain what it does or makes, if that makes it funnier. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets "The Big Book of Duh!: A Bathroom Book," which features lots of dumb things people say and do. The Empress will sign it so that its resale value will plummet. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 28. Put "Week 714" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Kevin Dopart, who also supplied this week's Honorable Mentions name. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report From Week 710, our third photo contest, in which we asked for funny photos involving kitchen utensils and household gadgets. This contest is just about the opposite of our annual horse names contest, in that we got, well, pretty much the opposite of 10,000 entries. Which matters not at all. Because we got these: View the Gallery Next Week: Join Now! or Hitching Posts ====================================================================== WEEK 715, published May 27, 2007 Week 715: Your Mug Here We present today a new runner-up prize: the soon-to-be-desperately-yearned-for Style Invitational Coffee Mug. Beginning with this week's contest, runners-up may opt for one of these mugs instead of the Loser T-Shirt. It seems that some Losers have been discouraged from wearing their Loser shirts to the office, and some of the more "successful" Invitational entrants long ago ran out of friends to give them to. Of course, we refuse to send anyone the pristinely elegant piece of stoneware pictured here: We first must deface it with some words and perhaps a simple picture. This week: Send us an idea for what to put on the Style Invitational coffee mug. The usable space is about three inches square and can be in only one or two colors, so it can't be meticulously detailed. You don't have to draw a picture; just describe it. Whatever you do, don't send attachments with your e-mail. We hate attachments. But we're not stopping there! After about three years, we've finally mailed out the last of our latest model of Loser T-Shirt, the one that said "Under New Mismanagement" on the back. (A couple of boxes of the previous model mysteriously appeared during a recent office move, so they'll do the job for the next few weeks or so.) But now that the Empress's mismanagement is far from new, it's time for another slogan to go on the back of the new shirt, whose front will display the medical diagram at right designed by Intimidatingly Illustrious Style Invitational Cartoonist Bob Staake. So also this week: Send us an idea for a slogan for the back of the new Loser T-shirt. It does not necessarily have to relate to Bob's picture on the front. Depending on how things work out, a slogan suggested for the T-shirt might end up on the mug, and vice versa. What's it to you, anyway? The writer of the winning T-shirt slogan wins the first new T-shirt from the box, whenever it arrives, and same for the mug writer and the mug. Runners-up get their choice of mug or shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax (if you must) to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 4. Put "Week 715" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Results will be published June 24. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. Next week's revised title is by Stephen Dudzik. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte. Report From Week 711, in which we asked you to combine the beginning and end of two words in the Style and Arts sections of Sunday's Post to create a new word. Lots of entries this week, some way better than others. (Example of Others: "Roof-us: A doofus who's a roofer.") 4. Gal-anon: The 12-step program Bill Clinton entered in 1999. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3. Bog-ress: What the United States continues to make in Iraq. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2. The winner of the giant Styrofoam letter L: Sid-Friendly: The name of the famous punk rocker when he played with his first band, the Water Pistols. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) And the Winner of the Inker Mon-ovation: The sound of one hand clapping especially enthusiastically.(Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook) A Dictionary of Dashed Hopes Ass-peration: The wet spot on the back of gym shorts after a workout on the exercise bike. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Aus-tentatious: Prideful and prejudicial. (Chris Doyle) Bar-phonies: People at drinking establishments whose lips are moving. (Michael Mason, Fairfax) Caca-ding: The sound made by a chamber pot at the moment of its use. (Ned Andrews, Danville, Va.) Choreo-culator: Someone who counts each step while he dances. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Comp-amples: Free implants given to celebrities who agree to mention the surgeon's name. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Disproportion-ician: Dolly Parton's cosmetic surgeon. (Ben Aronin, Washington) Educa-ca: When I look back on all the . . . silly stuff I learned in high school . . . (Kevin Dopart) Enviro-hearse: A Hummer. (Kevin Dopart) Enviro-phony: Someone who flies a private plane around the country to give green speeches. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Flu-nundrum: "Feed a cold, starve a fever" or "Starve a cold, feed a fever"? (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Glute-sumption: Ideally, no more than one sheet for the glutes per visit. -- Sheryl Crow, Nashville (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Geta-rooms: Couples displaying excessive public affection. "Ugh, I just rode up the elevator with a pair of geta-rooms going at it the whole way." (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Hor-gy: A party with an entrance fee. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Incapa-stival: A multi-disease telethon. (Jay Shuck) Joy-vey: The special delight that some mothers get from worrying. (Chris Doyle) My-doll: Toy pills sold as an accessory for the new Screaming PMS Barbie. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Navelty: A bellybutton ring that plays "Yummy, yummy yummy, I've got love in my tummy." (Chris Doyle) Nether-mental: Pertaining to the psychological state of a teenage male. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Prudi-cut: A snippet of film censored from an old movie, like a married couple reading together in the same bed. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Revers-sary: The date you celebrate your annulment. (Russell Beland) Safe-teria: A dining establishment that doesn't serve food. (Kevin Dopart) Scat-mospheric: Describing the aroma of the bus station restroom. (Pam Sweeney) Schaden-fraud: A softie who only pretends to be sadistic. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis; Chris Doyle) Schwarze-dated: Groped. (Mark Eckenwiler) Smu-cky: As in "That Beland sure is smucky." Well, I guess they meant both smart and lucky. Yeah. (Russell Beland) Solo-national: Post-multinational: "The president remains confident of his solo-national support." (Robert Kirkpatrick, Potomac) Stir-nacular: Prison lingo. In stirnacular, a suitcase is a rectal cavity. (Chris Doyle) Temper-cycle: I will provide the definition to an unbiased male editor. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Un-trina: Especially calm weather. (Tom Witte) Utopi-olanus: A really good colonoscopy report. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Water-hello: A kinder, gentler form of torture. (Randy Lee, Burke) Zeppel-bra: A 44EEE. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) And Last: Junk-retary: What the Empress needs to weed out entries like this one. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) Next Week: Another Time Around the Track, or Race Relations ====================================================================== WEEK 716, published June 3, 2007 Week 716: The Hard Spell Lovers of language go totally nuts Over one of life's stranger enigmas: How does a noun meaning "rumbling guts" Sound rumbly itself? Borborygmus! This past week 286 boys and girls gathered in Washington for the annual National Spelling Bee, in which the talent, tenacity and mental toughness of some of our nation's brightest youngsters are channeled for years toward the goal of memorizing thousands of letter combinations, many of which they will never encounter again outside the spelling bee world.(There is absolutely no relevance to the fact that at least two current Style Invitational Losers have been top winners in the National Bee.) So give this year's participants a chance to read their winning or losing words in a different context (if not actually a sensible one): Write a humorous poem featuring one of the 75 words we've selected from this year's National Spelling Bee (see the list here). It doesn't necessarily have to define the word, as does the example above (from last year's words) by Washington Post Funny Poem Writer Gene Weingarten. It can't have been already published in print or online. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a bar of "Touch Me Please Virginity Soap," made in Thailand (presumably for people who can't make up their minds) but sent from the country of Oman. And that's not all: In case Touch Me Please is working a little too well, we include a trial-size envelope of "Garlic Shampoo" ("Formula for Hair Loss & Hair Grow" -- also for the conflicted, we guess). Note: The person we referred to last week as Robert Kirkpatrick has informed us that he would prefer to be called Robert Kurlantzick, inasmuch as that is his name. We will graciously accede to this but only because it is a way cooler name. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 11. Put "Week 716" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Andrew Hoenig, who also wrote today's Honorable Mentions name. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report From Week 712, in which we asked you to take the winning horse names from Week 708 and "breed" them to produce grand-foals. Once again, the entries stampeded in by the thousands. Some Losers proved astonishingly adept at incorporating the various elements of the sire's and dam's names into that of the foal: For example, Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia, bred Coito Ergo Sum with Nein to Fife to produce Lay Off Macduff, a play on the line "Lay on, Macduff" from "Macbeth." See, "coito" means "I lay" (in the bedroom sense) in Latin; while "nein" is German for "no," hence "lay off"; and to top it off, Macduff's title is Thane of Fife. Whew. Wonderfully clever . . . but funny? Eh. 4. Duck! + Doctor Do Little = Quack! (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Nancy Israel, Bethesda) 3. Popular Mechanics + Calleth Us Dudes = ClickethNClacketh (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) 2. the winner of the skull models (yes, we found two): Halitosis + Chicks in the Mail = Malodor Bride (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis; Russell Beland, Springfield) And the Winner of the Inker Months Ending in R + Nats Blow Another = Days Ending in Y (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Belmont Steaks Angina Monologues + Kermit Loves Bert = Heart Felt (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Angina Monologues + Six Hundred Ninety = Whoa, Bad LDL (Russell Beland) Auto-da-Fay + Executioners Thong = BurnTheOtherCheek (Pam Sweeney) Bermuda Triangle + It's in English = Shorts Tory (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Bird B-I-R-D Bird + First Flying Class = S-P-L-A-T (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) BVD STD + Bermuda Triangle = Clap Trap (Pam Sweeney) Calculated Risque + Duck! = AFLAC! (Michael Mason, Fairfax) Calculated Risque + Executioners Thong = Hangs Right (Scott Susser, Hillside, N.J.) Call Them Globes + Calleth Us Dudes= Earth Quakers (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Call Them Globes + Zippo = Great Balls Afire (Chris Doyle) Calleth Us Dudes + Auto-da-Fay = Dudebaker (Harvey Smith, McLean) Chicks in the Mail + Bird B-I-R-D Bird = B-R-I-D-E (Ben Aronin, Washington) Coito Ergo Sum + It's in English = I Boink, So I Am (Jay Shuck; Chris Doyle) Coito Ergo Sum + MrPocketProtector = Effin' Know-It-All (Roy Ashley, Washington) Coito Ergo Sum + Sigh Young = Pitching Woo (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Creme de Meth + Conversion = Creme de Methodist (Chris Doyle) Doctor Do Little + Coito Ergo Sum = Push Me Pull You (Harvey Smith) Duck! + Executioners Thong = Goose! (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Egrets Only + Bird B-I-R-D Bird = Come Stay a Spell (Harvey Smith) Executioners Thong + Conversion = Santa Monica (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase) First Flying Class + Bermuda Triangle = Virgin Atlantic (Martin Bancroft) First Flying Class + Chicks in the Mail = Eggs Flew Young (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Friar Tuckered + Coito Ergo Sum = Made Marian (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Halitosis + Doctor Do Little = Breath Eliza (Harvey Smith) Halitosis + MrPocketProtector = Offensive Lineman (Mike Hammer, Arlington; Brad Alexander) Halitosis + Nats Blow Another = CantGetToFirstBase (Harvey Smith) Kermit Loves Bert + Premium Logger = Dont Ax Dont Tell (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington; Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) More Cowball! + Months Ending in R = Prairie Oysters (Mary Lee Fox Roe; Rick Haynes) Nein to Fife + MrPocketProtector = Barney Google (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Orion's Belt + Call Them Globes = Castor & Bollocks (Kevin Krist, Washington) P.A.T. on the Back + It's in English = Honourable Mention (Brad Alexander) P.A.T. on the Back + Zippo = Nice Try. Get Lost (Brad Alexander) Popular Mechanics + Call Them Globes = Among Other Things (Bill Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.) Popular Mechanics + Premium Logger = Regular Feller (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) Savior Breath + TriumphOfTheWilly = Church Organ (Mae Scanlan) Savior Breath + Creme de Meth = The Last Upper (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Savior Breath + Halitosis = CouldItBe . . . SATAN? (Larry Pryluck, Amissville, Va.) She's Not Dead! + Doctor Do Little = OK Now She's Dead! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.; Russell Beland) She's Not Dead! + Coito Ergo Sum = ThinkingOfEngland (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Six Hundred Ninety + Zippo = My Entries; My Ink (Barry Koch) Sleeping Thickness + Halitosis = Morning Breadth (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Peter Metrinko) The Story of Eau + Zippo = Water Torcher (Chris Doyle) Wyatt AARP + Coito Ergo Sum = Sexagenarian (Harvey Smith) Wyatt AARP + Kermit Loves Bert = Achin'-Back Mtn (John Kustka, Prince Frederick) Wyatt AARP + Sleeping Thickness = Guns N Dozes (Suzanne Stewart Moseman, St. Paul, Minn.) Wyatt AARP + Spenthouse = Shooting Blanks (Jon Reiser) Zippo + Auto-da-Fay = Light My Friar (Andrew Hoenig) Next Week: Painings, or Art Drecko ====================================================================== WEEK 717, published June 10, 2007 Week 717: Pitch Us a No-Hitter Squid meringue pie What adorable garbage! The rabbi's favorite oyster stew Please play your bagpipes some more! This week's contest is guaranteed to produce original results. A Googlenope -- the term was coined by The Washington Post Magazine's Gene Weingarten in a recent column -- is a phrase or very brief sentence that, entered into the Google search engine with quotation marks around it, produces no hits: In other words, that word combination has never appeared in the searchable online universe. It's very easy to come up with something unique (although it's amazing what's already out there). But you need to come up with something so clever and funny that it deserves a prize. Cleverer and funnier than the examples above, which were indeed Googlenopes at press time. This week: Send us some genuine Googlenopes. Twenty-five entries max per entrant, and please double-space your list if it's long -- there's just one li'l ol' Empress reading these things. And if we were you, we wouldn't then post that phrase online in the next couple of weeks, you know? Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives, courtesy of Loser Peter Metrinko, a Candy Hose Nose, a nose you place over your own nose, and then squeeze "Slime Candy gel from the nose hole" -- we guess "nostril" was a little too technical -- "onto your tongue." Don't sneeze! Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 18. Put "Week 717" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Brendan O'Byrne of Regina, Saskatchewan. Today's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart of Washington. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland. Report From Week 713, in which we printed these three cryptic paintings by famed Loser Artist Fred Dawson, and asked you to title and explain them. We also, finally, asked Fred himself. We include his own titles and comments below, condensed from a diary he wrote at the time he painted the artworks in 1970. 4. PAINTING B: "Opped Out": Here's that classic optical illusion: Is it a face or a heavy guy in a suit folding napkins into boomerangs while wrapped in lunch meat? Well, then squint harder. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 3. PAINTING C: "Vampirism Sucks": It's so hard to shop for your summer wardrobe after you've been bitten. (Chuck Koelbel, Houston) 2. The winner of the genuine Fred Dawson Painting Style Invitational U.S. postage stamps: PAINTING A: "Temporal Paradox": Expressing the eternal frustration of not being able to correct past mistakes, Dawson uses the newly invented chronophone to call himself on prom night. But alas, he cannot avert disaster with "Fertile Myrtle" Mandelblatt. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) And the Winner of the Inker PAINTING B: "Father Mackenzie, Darning His Socks in the Night When There's Nobody There": The artist stunningly answers the existential Liverpudlian conundrum "All the lonely people, where do they all come from?" by showing the Father both figuratively and, seemingly, literally "inside" Eleanor Rigby. (Glen Crawford, Germantown) For the Easelly Amused PAINTING A "Dad Gum It": It took several calls, but they finally buried tycoon William Wrigley the way he wanted: in a gumball machine. (Jay Shuck) "Are You There, God. It's Me, George": The president tries to reach God to find out what to do next, but due to an orange security level, only gets through to Tucker Carlson. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) "Alfred's Warning": Alfred appears on the Visi-Bat-Phone to warn Bruce Wayne of the Foggy Black Monster looming over Bruce's head and drooling on him. (Mike Dailey, Chantilly) "Dude Defending a Stare Case": On the phone, a Washington attorney informs his client that he'll get the stalking charges dropped, if only he'll stop eyeballing him. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) "Time to Reorder": Noticing some wear and tear on the boss's picture on his stand-up punching bag, Fred orders up a replacement. (Roy Ashley, Washington) "Crime and Punishment": My model for the man in the circle was Homer Van Meter, one of John Dillinger's gang. The other man was one of the FBI agents who pursued them. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) * PAINTING B "Now Push": A baby catches his first sight of life on the outside. Much debated is the significance of the downward glance of the grandmother: Does it symbolize her desire to finish the knitted sock and "not give one more penny to those thieves at Baby Gap" or simply her reticence at staring at her daughter's hoo-ha? (Josh Tucker, Kensington) "Not Much of a View": Rosie O'Donnell sits alone and showless. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Bibbidy Bobbidi Bootie": After searching the entire village for the owner of that abandoned stocking, the prince's squire wandered -- at last! -- into the office of Cinderella's gynecologist. (Jay Shuck) "Sperm's Eye View": The spermatozoa had no idea that the uterus employed a goalie. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Newspaper Budget Crunch": No longer able to order Style Invitational Inkers, T-shirts, Mugs and Magnets, the Empress tears out paper L's for prizes. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) "The Grandmother": The woman's grotesque size makes her formidable. She's given life but dominates those she gave it to. As a whole this picture shows the glorification of life at its most extreme. (Fred Dawson) * PAINTING C "Choices": A bittersweet commentary on the decisions we make in life. The young woman emerges from one doorway only to find that the alternative doorway has been painted over; it's gone. The paths we follow are all too often one-way; there's no going back. Also, it's about sex. (Jon Milstein, Falls Church) "The Glass Hallway": This painting depicts the frustration of women who cannot even move laterally in the workplace. (Chuck Smith) "Reality Checked": Edward Hopper's model was horrified to discover she'd accidentally wandered into that abstract expressionist house down the block. (Jay Shuck) "Hello. Have You Seen a Woman With White Face, Red Hair, Scary Mouth and Little Claw Hand? I'm Her Daughter, Girl With Brown Hair, Baby-Poop-Colored Dress and Matching Pumps, and Arm in a Sling. Please Don't Slam Your Door in My Face Again. Hello?" (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) "The Jaded One": The larger area could be the woman's thoughts about a dull, colorless world. Or the rectangle could represent a prison in reality. It might also be a pretty picture, like my mother said. (She also said, "It reminds me of when I had the arthritis.") (Fred Dawson) Next Week: Amalgamated Steal, or A Case of Corporate Breed ====================================================================== WEEK 718, published June 17, 2007 Week 718: Put Our Heads Together It seems like only seven weeks ago that we made you read this newspaper(for the hyphen contest). And now we're forcing that punishment on you again. But this time, it's just the big print. This week we resurrect an old contest that we didn't even remember we'd done until we were reminded of it by Always There to Remind Us Russell Beland of Springfield: Create a new, funny headline from the words of any headlines appearing anywhere in a single day's Washington Post (or on washingtonpost.com). You may use words from as many headlines as you wish, and may combine them in whatever order you wish, but you cannot subdivide words -- i.e., the smallest usable unit is an entire word. You must specify which headlines you used, and the date they ran. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a genuine, gently used Octodog, donated by Loser Jeffrey Contompasis at the enthusiastic "suggestion" of Mrs. Contompasis. The Octodog is a cheery-looking mechanical device that turns a hot dog into an octopus, complete with little eye holes. It even makes the hot dog taste just like octopus, provided that the hot dog is made of octopus meat. So if you're tired of begging your child to please eat more hot dogs . . . Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 25. Put "Week 718" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 15. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by N.G. Andrews of Danville, Va. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 714, in which we asked you to combine two companies into a new firm: Not surprisingly, the Losers put those widely Net-circulated fictional conglomerates straight into Chapter 11. 4. With gas prices what they are, Volkswagen and Energizer are ready to debut their joint-venture battery-powered car, the Bugs Bunny. (Ross Shepard, Deerfield, Ill.) 3. Whataburger, Pizza Hut, Workmate benches, Izumi sushi and Manwich sauces join forces and become WhataPizzaWorkIzuMan. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2. The winner of the Empress-signed copy of "The Big Book of Duh": Pepsi Free, Water Wings, Nut 'n Honey and Morton Salt have formed a new brand (and jingle) you can't get out of your head: "Free-Wings . . . Nut 'n Morton Free-Wings . . ." (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) And the Winner of the Inker After sealing its position as the consultants of choice in the business world, Booz Allen Hamilton merges with the firm of Dames & Moore. As Booz, Dames and Moore, the new firm looks to become the consultants of choice to members of Congress. (Gregory Bartolett, Dumfries) Busted Trusts Marriott hotels, Arthur D. Little consultants and L.A.M.B. clothing merge to become MarriottALittleLamb. (Chris Doyle) Clif Bar, PowerBar, Snickers, Babar Impex and Cybarco Bahrain Ltd. thought they'd take a chance as Bar-Bar-Bar-Babar-Bahrain. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Goodyear, Best Buy, FluMist, Hershey's and Lay's merge to create GoodBuyMistHerChips. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Martha Stewart Living merges with Smith & Wesson to create Martha Stewart Living Any Way She Wants To. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) If Saks Fifth Avenue, Pfizer, Hooters and Pillsbury got together, they could be Saks, Drugs and Racks and Rolls. (Russell Beland, Springfield) JetBlue and Samsonite join forces to make JetSam, the airline luggage that's guaranteed to get lost. (Chris Doyle) M&T Bank can merge with Lunesta to make MT-Nesta: Once the kids are grown and moved out, you can finally get a good night's sleep. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 3M, Stryker, SanDisk, Hewlett-Packard, Toys R Us and American Eagle Outfitters merge to become 3 Stryke Sand Hew R Out. (Randy Lee, Burke) 3M should buy out Krispy Kreme and call itself Mmm Doughnuts. -- H. Simpson, Springfield, U.S.A. (Cheryl Davis, Arlington) Green Giant will merge with Brunswick Billiards and become Peas and Cues. (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Bridgestone tires, Honda motors, River Island clothing and Kauai coffee merge and become BridgeHondaRiverKauai. (Chris Doyle) The Washington Blade, Drake's Devil Dogs and Purina Dog Chow merge to form OutDamnedSpot. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Cryogenics Labs, Windows ME and Amazon.com will merge and become Cry ME a River. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Combine Gulden's mustard, Opcon-A Eyedrops and an e.p.t. home pregnancy test, and what do you get? Gulden Op-Paternity. (Jay Shuck) Consolidate De Beers, Indianapolis Motor Speedway Corp. and Frigidaire, and you have De Beers Indy Fridge. (Becky Moyer, Alexandria) Sony and K-Mart have formed a joint counseling service named "So K." (Marcy Alvo, Annandale) If ChevronTexaco bought out Manolo Blahnik, you'd have Well on Heels. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton) Whole Foods supermarkets, Lee artificial nails, Mack trucks and Corelle dishware become WholeLeeMackCorelle. (Chris Doyle) Hair Club for Men merged with Huggies to create Ruggies, a line of disposable toupees. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Virginia Tech and the prison operator Corrections Corp. of America: Hokie Pokeys. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton) Coming soon from HallMerck: The heartwarming get-well card "Best Wishes for Control of Your Left Ventricular Hypertrophy With a Regimen of Hyzaar?." (Eldonna Edwards, San Luis Obispo, Calif.) It's clear that the Hanover Foods and Everlast Boxing Equipment merger will succeed Hanover Fist. (Kevin Dopart) Harley-Davidson merged with Tide to make Hogwash. (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) Trans World Airlines and Sylvania Electronics could merge to form TranSylvania, which would be perfect for two companies back from the dead. (Russell Beland) Combine Coors Brewing with Glenfiddich and get Hops Scotch. (Paul Whittemore, Spotsylvania, Pa.) Virgin Atlantic and Princess Cruise Lines: Virgin Berths (Valerie Matthews) A mix of Cracklin' Oat Bran, Honey Wheats and Trix cereals makes Crack Ho Trix, a tasty and nourishing start for an early-morning mayoral sting. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Henckel Cutlery merged with Nike to form a defense consulting group called Cut and Run, but hasn't gotten any federal contracts, yet. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The Baltimore Orioles merged with Bed Bath & Beyond to make The Birds and the B's. (Randy Lee) Mayor Fenty combines the D.C. Public Schools with the D.C. Jail to form a new GED program: Con Ed. (John Kupiec, Fairfax) If Massengill Co. bought up Super Fresh, California Pizza Kitchen, Fraport AG, Ballistic Recovery Systems, Microsoft Windows XP and Allergan Pharmaceuticals, they could market Super Cali FrAG'allistic XP Aller douches. (Combined from the entries of Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, and Chris Doyle) Next Week: Your Mug Here, or Name That Spittoon ====================================================================== WEEK 719, published June 24, 2007 Week 719: We Har the World The Perth (Australia) Thnatchers The Damme (Germany) Yankees The Havana (Cuba) Nice Days The Bonn (Germany) Losers In 1994 -- back when people read The Washington Post on real paper (and paid for it with real money), it was pretty hard to find The Post outside Washington -- and practically impossible outside the United States, unless you got your mail in a diplomatic pouch. The Style Invitational ran a contest asking readers to create fictional school team names for actual American towns (winner: The Assinippi (Mass.) Guard Dogs, by Karla J. Dickinson of Springfield). Now, the Empress regularly receives entries from Tasmania to Oman to Scotland to New Delhi to Manitoba and even West Virginia, and so, at the suggestion of Awfully Enthusiastic Loser Randy Lee of Burke, she agreed it was time to take this contest global: This week: Come up with a creative name for a sports team for a town or city anywhere outside the United States; please include the name of the country. If the joke requires a long explanation of the pronunciation, it won't be much of a joke. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets "When You're Smiling," a 2004 CD of Regis Philbin singing old-time pop standards (consensus: Bing Crosby's place in music history is secure). Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 2. Put "Week 719" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. Randy Lee supplied the final example for this week's contest. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte. Report From Week 715, in which we sought ideas for what to put on the new Loser Mug and on the back of the new Loser T-shirt. Lots of nice ideas for both prizes, either of which an Invitational runner-up (or even an Inker winner) may choose. When they finally arrive at Invitational headquarters deep in the bowels -- where else? -- of the Washington Post newsroom, there should be enough for at least the next two years of runners-up. (The shirts will finally come in both L and XL, rather than just the bedspread size.) And you just may end up seeing some of the other slogans below on future T-shirts, mugs and Honorable Mention magnets. For the back of the new Loser T-Shirt, whose front is the brain design shown on the mug, designed by cartoonist Bob Staake: 4. This Mind Intentionally Left Blank (Steven King, Alexandria) 3. Last Seen Wearing This Shirt (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.) 2. The Style Invitational: Because It Really Gives a Shirt (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) And the Winning T-Shirt Slogan Object in T-Shirt Is Brighter Than It Appears (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf; Russell Beland, Springfield) For the formerly pristinely elegant white mug that we are about to deface: 4. I Won This on Company Time, So I Only Use It at the Office (Roy Ashley, Private Sector, Washington) 3. This Is NOT a Urinal (Walterjervis Sheffield, Fredericksburg, Va.) 2. The Style Invitational: Good to the Last Dork (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the Winning Mug Design(Beverley Sharp, Washington; Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Factory Seconds For the back of the T-shirt: The Empress's New Clothes (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village; John Kupiec, Fairfax; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Shtick for Brains (Russell Beland) Fashions come and go, but bad taste never goes out of Style. (Art Grinath) Cogito ergo desum: I think, therefore I lose. (Ira Goldman, Washington) If You Think This Shirt Is Dumb, You Should See What I Did to Get It (Lawrence McGuire) I Got Shirt On by the Empress (John Kupiec) I May Be a Loser, but at Least I'm Ahead of You (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) How's My Walking? Contact losers@washpost.com (Horace LaBadie) Future Dust Rag (Larry Pryluck, Amissville, Va.) Living Proof of Intelligenter Design (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria) The Style Invitational: Regularly Updating Flatulence Jokes Since 1993 (Steve Liu, North Potomac) I'm With Pompously Self-Absorbed (Roy Ashley) Twice the Brainpower of a Chimpanzee With a Typewriter! (Creigh Richert, Aldie) The Style Invitational: Lacking Only Style. And Invitations. (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Mind Over Manners (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Think I'm a Loser? Wait Till You See the Front. (Josh Tucker, Kensington) I Gave the Empress a Piece of My Mind (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Waste. But Go Ahead and Enter the Style Invitational anyway. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) For the mug: Wake Up and Smell the Ink (Tom Witte) For Best Results, Pour Into Top End (Drew Bennett, Alexandria) Cafe Empresso (John O'Byrne, Dublin) The words "World's Greatest Grandma" appear in a large "folksy" font, adorned with flowers and songbirds. But the words are scribbled out in red marker, and "Style Invitational Loser Prize" is scrawled crudely below it. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) My Other Mug Is a Porsche (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Panhandler Starter Kit (Kevin Dopart) This Was a Pristinely Elegant Piece of Stoneware Before It Was Defaced. (Bill Coffin, Silver Spring) Could have been for either: Wry Not (Tom Witte) Lose Only as Directed (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) No Childishness Left Behind (Tom Witte) The Style Invitational: You Gotta Play to Lose (Roy Ashley) Aging Quippie (Tom Witte) Loser *Loserer Loserest Runner-Up, The Style Invitational (Bob Dalton, Arlington) The Style Invitational: It's a Dishonor Just Being Nominated (Bruce Carlson) Next Week: The Hard Spell, or The Bards and the Bee ====================================================================== WEEK 720, published July 1, 2007 Week 720: The Course of Humor Events 1521: Martin Luther could not stomach the Diet of Worms. 1544: Cartographer Gerardus Mercator was imprisoned for heresy: Religious authorities refused to give him any latitude. About three years back, we ran a great set of results to a contest asking for rhyming couplets that told about historical events. Loser Peter Metrinko, who just happened to get no ink in that contest, asks that we compile another such chronicle, but that we also allow other short formats as well, such as those above. Okay, there should be enough history to go around: Sum up a historical event in a two-line rhyme or other clever and pithy epigram. Though history tends to repeat itself, we'd like to prevent it: Here are the results of the Week 570 contest. Don't use the same jokes, please. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a 2007 Extreme Ironing calendar (hey, you'll still have five more months), donated by Poetical Loser Brendan Beary; it depicts "ironists" ironing while hanging on the side of a cliff, swimming underwater, suspended from a tightrope, etc. Must take a heck of an extension cord. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 9. Put "Week 720" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Beth Baniszewski of Somerville, Mass. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. The new contest was suggested the first time around by Russell Beland, who would never stop reminding us if we didn't mention it. Report From Week 716, in which we asked for poems featuring words from this year's National Spelling Bee. The Empress granted no ink to those who made up their own meanings or used the words as nonsense syllables. 4. Oubliette, a dungeon with an opening only in the ceiling: With an old oubliette, one could just forget About terrorists like old Geronimo. So why must the press write of the distress At our new oubliette in Guantanamo? (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase) 3. Affliction by leeches -- hirudiniasis: Bloody disgusting, however you spin it. They trigger our deep-seated hygienic biases: But worst is that one of them's born every minute. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) 2. Strigil, an ancient Roman tool to scrape dirt and sweat from the body: He comes, he sees, he takes a bath, For he is dirty. Crud he hath. He's pulled another all-night vigil. Caesar takes his trusty strigil, Scrapes away all grimy matter, Then goes after Cleopatter. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker Acariasis, a mite infestation: I'm sad to say my grandpa Zacharias is, Alas, no more. The doctor has suggested The cause of death was likely acariasis; With tiny parasites he was infested. The wee arachnids he indulged with bonhomie, For piety was one of his delights; Remembering the book of Deuteronomy, He loved the Lord his God with all his mites. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The Bee's Ankles: Honorable Mentions Furfuraceous, having dandruff or other scaly particles: My skin is furfuraceous; That's to say, it's very scaly. Truth be told, I look hellacious From exfoliating daily. Each day's worse, I can't deny it, Though I will admit, in candor, That perhaps I shouldn't try it With a Black & Decker sander. (Brendan Beary) Beccafico, a small bird prized as a delicacy: O wondrous beccafico, o golden-throated bird! Your song is warbled sunshine, the sweetest ever heard. How many hearts have swelled with joy to hear your cherished tweeter! But sadly, little 'fico, your taste is even sweeter. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Illeist, someone who refers to himself in the third person: When the Empress speaks to her legion of geeks, Third person is self-referential. Could this illeist style be only a wile To make us yet more deferential? (Steve Ettinger) Lambdacisms, mispronunciations of the letter L, or saying L instead of R: Lambdacism means you say One letter in a sclewy way. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Logogriph, a word puzzle Logogriphs are TONS OF FUN, And some can knock your NUT OFF, SON. (Chris Doyle) Lomilomi, a traditional Hawaiian massage On the shores of Gitche Gumee They don't practice lomilomi. It's too cold for Minnesotans; They just stay at homihomi. (Mae Scanlan) Noctilucous, shining at night: On a moon-lighted stroll, my sweet love did profess That my fair face was quite noctilucous; My heart skipped a beat, but I have to confess: What shone from my nose was some mucus. (Anne Paris, Arlington) Onychomycosis, a fungal infection of the nails: Unguiculate, having claws or nails: The daunting diagnosis Of onychomycosis Means toenails gross and fungal(Like some life-form from the jungle?) Whatever could repulse me more Than toenails like a dinosaur? Alas, we're born unguiculate, So this I must articulate: Your nasty nails evoke my dread; Henceforth, please wear your shoes to bed. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Ophidian, relating to snakes: He wooed the lass with flattery And praised her locks "ophidian." Alas, that word refers to snakes; He meant to say "obsidian." She knocked him flat and left, aloof; (A Webster's could have saved his toof.) (Beverley Sharp) Retiarius, a type of Roman gladiator who fought wearing fisherman's gear: Gripping trident and net, the vindictive Belarius Knows he's a soon-to-be-sacked retiarius. Christians are scared 'cause today's his last day And each one he beheads boosts his severance pay. (Chris Doyle) Strigil: For cleaning off, the Romans Scraped themselves with iron strigils -- But folks back then, you understand, Were tougher indivijuls. (Brendan Beary) Theologaster, a religious quack: How will you know a theologaster? In many a church he's the pederaster. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Yosenabe, a Japanese stew: Would you like a wee taste Of kelp-based yosenabe? Well, I think that depends: What mean "wee," Kimosabe? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Online Only: Read More Honorable Mentions More Honorable Mentions from Week 716 of The Style Invitational, in which readers were asked to write poems featuring words from this year's National Spelling Bee: Abseil, a descent on a fixed rope: I'm head over heels for my climbing guide, Babs; At beauty and skill she excels. With effortless abseils and rippling abs, She attracts even as she rappels. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Beccafico, a small bird prized as a delicacy: When large birds go hunting and spy a small frog, Then a croak is indeed its last word. Beccaficos, however, are rare treats in France, So in this case the Frog eats the bird. (Anne Paris, Arlington) Lambdacisms, mispronunciations of the letter L: Those who "wiv in the City of Brotherwy Wuv" And sound, when they talk, so damn silly Suffer from lambdacisms, which means They're getting the L out of Philly. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Meralgia, pain in the thighs: There's many kinds of thigh pains with which people are afflicted; For instance, a rheumatic's femur aches in rainy weather. And I've heard it often said, and never contradicted, Yo' mama gets meralgia try'na keep her knees together! (Brendan Beary) Onychomycosis, a fungal infection of the nails: "O-ni-cho-my-co-sis"! It scans very nicely In poetry written with dactylic feet. If the feet are your own, though, it looks quite unsightly If footwear selection is less than discreet. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Oubliette, a dungeon with an opening only through the ceiling: 1. (To "Alouette") Oubliette, I'm in the oubliette, Oubliette, I can't go out and play. Won't you open up the door? I'll be good forevermore. Scratch your back, fix a snack I will be your esne* . . . (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) [*Anglo-Saxon serf] 2. Henry Waxman casts his net, Patrick Leahy doth agree: Subpoena one, subpoena all, Then the prez asks them to call. "Patrick, Henry," says our George, "You make me sweat and raise my gorge." The duo says, "Oh, do not fret, Although we have not finished yet." "I'm glad we've had this tete-a-tete," Says leader Bush. He gives a button one quick push. A trapdoor yawns: An oubliette! They drop down fast, the Dem duet. Where they fall, there is no net. And thus it ends, this small upset. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Paronomasia, a pun or other play on words: 1. I'm a loser at losing. The Empress is tough. My one thousand horse names weren't even enough. It's driving me crazy, yes, crazy and crazier, That I'm no good at all at this paronomazier. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) 2. "Hirudiniasis?" Style Invitational Winners are famous for Erudite wit. Forget about spelling and Focus your efforts on Paranomasia Ere you die, twit. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase) Rigaree, raised ribbonlike ornamentation on glass: Rigaree, jigaree, Some kid in middle school Spells an odd word about Glass appliques. Lexicological Sparring grows tedious; I watch the bee, and my Eyes start to glaze. (Brendan Beary) Stramineous, straw-colored: There once was a feller named Phineas, Whose body was largely stramineous. And that is becuz A scarecrow he wuz Who lived with the beans and the zinnias. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Strigil, an ancient Roman tool to scrape dirt and sweat from the body: Dripping water, Antonius scrapes at his skin With the strigil he's brought to the pool. Caligula says with his lecherous grin," You've a truly magnificent tool." (Chris Doyle) Theologaster, a religious fraud: They're smooth as silk, presenting facts, But underneath it all, they're quacks. Theologasters please avoid Should you desire to know God's woid. (Mae Scanlan) Umami, a "fifth taste" in addition to sweet, sour, bitter and salty: The bullies in the other hood, They say umami tastes so good. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Next Week: Pitch Us a No-Hitter, or I'm Feeling Unlucky ====================================================================== WEEK 721, published July 8, 2007 Week 721: Know Your Market We pretty much realized that The Style Invitational is a little bit different from some other newspapers' humor contests. Matt Brody of Carlisle, Pa., alerted us to the weekly photo caption contest in the Harrisburg Patriot-News, which week after week gives first prize to a submitted caption that could charitably be called wholesome and accessible. Example: Picture of two ducks. Winning caption: "You quack me up!" Matt wondered what would happen if some Style Invitational Losers entered this contest. Would the winning humor suddenly become complex and sophisticated? So we got in touch with Losernet, the Losers' own e-mail chat group, and several Losers mailed the Patriot-News lists of entries(we suggested they not send anything off-color) for three straight weeks. Hundreds of Loser entries total. Such as, for a dog catching a Frisbee, "Karl Rover fetches a blue state for his master," by Hall of Fame Loser Jennifer Hart of Arlington. And? The first week, one honorable mention. The second week, one more. The third week, for the Frisbee picture, several -- but it was pretty clear that the Losers were beginning to write for the judge (e.g., "Man's best friend disc-overs true happiness" by Russell Beland). The grand-prize Frisbee caption? "He's a high jumpin', tail waggin', Frisbee catchin' hound. Now that's a mouthful." Not one of ours. This week: Here are four photos. For any of them, supply two captions: one that would appeal to The Style Invitational and one that would appeal to the Patriot-News. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a Nestle Original Yorkie candy bar, which is marketed in England as a macho candy bar, not some little girly candy bar. Sure enough, in big type on the wrapper: "IT'S NOT FOR GIRLS!" Otherwise it seems to be a plain old chocolate bar named for a foofy little dog. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 16. Put "Week 721" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by N.G. Andrews of Danville, Va. This week's prize was donated by Peter Metrinko of Chantilly. Report From Week 717, when we asked for Googlenopes, phrases that -- until now -- would yield no hits if entered within quotation marks on the Google search engine. An amazing number of entrants got their no-hitters only by misspellings: "Barbara McCulsky look-alike" may be a 'nope, but "Barbara Mikulski look-alike" is not. And we're going to print the following entries right here, just so they'll no longer be Googlenopes: "The Empress is sexy," "the Empress is thoughtful," "the Empress is hot," "the Empress is amazing," "the Empress totally rocks," "the Empress deserves a Pulitzer." All right, then. (All the entries below were verified Googlenopes at this writing. Capitalization and punctuation are not factors in Google searches.) 4. "Calvin Coolidge bobblehead" (Ann Martin, Annapolis) 3. "All the girls loved my Camry" (Tom Lundregan, Alexandria) 2. The winner of the Candy Hose Nose: "Haute cuisine sucks" (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg) And the Winner of the Inker "That controversial 'Gilligan's Island' episode" (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) 'Worth Only a Magnet' "Coprolite engagement rings" (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) "President Bush carefully considered . . ." (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.; Mark Merriman, Arlington) "Hazy, hot, humid and happy" (Leigh Giza, Centreville) "Museum of suburban culture" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "What's so cute about pandas?" (Laurel Gainor, Great Falls) "Fox News is more accurate than" (Brian Fox, Charlottesville) "The weapons system came in under budget" (Rick Haynes, Department of Defense, Potomac) Neither "honest electable Republican" nor "honest electable Democrat" (Karen Byers, Alexandria) "Cheney's crisis of conscience" (Lawrence Miller, Washington) "Bush, placing ethics above loyalty . . ." (Anne Paris, Arlington) "Lightly used caskets" (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) "Hot young abstinent teens!" (Josh Tucker, Kensington) "One sexy imam" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) "Fun with your septic tank" (Mary Anne Nichols, Seaford, Del.) "Je ne regrette squat" (Roy Ashley, Washington) "Canasta groupies" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "Hardcore Nationals fan" (Brian Cohen, Potomac) "Kegger tonight at Liberty U." (Anne Paris) "DIY Extreme Unction" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Bootleg Couric colonoscopy video" (Rick Haynes) "Three-star Scottish cuisine" (Kevin Dopart) "Not all our facts were made up" (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) "Let's live in Cleveland!" (Steve Offutt, Arlington) "Once again, my husband was right and I was wrong" (Scott Susser, Hillside, N.J.) "Darfur condo rentals" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Howard Walderman, Columbia) "Wine and Spam tasting" (Anne Paris) "I wish Paris Hilton was my mom" (Jonathan Gettleman, Ashburn) "How do I install a virus on my computer?" (Hugh Pullen, Vienna) "The 'Sopranos' finale was terrific" (Steve Buttry, Reston; John Kupiec, Fairfax; Paul Wright, Charlottesville) "Ann Coulter conceded graciously" (Miles D. Moore, Alexandria) "Utah's biggest party school" (David Kleinbard) "Who's Who in York Springs" (Arthur Litoff, York Springs, Pa.) "Angela Merkel porn" (Jon Grantham, University Park) "The sexiest '60 Minutes' anchor" (Brian Fox) "Funny Googlenopes" (Russell Beland, Springfield) "First-time entries never get ink" (Pete Marshman, Edgewater -- and yes, of course) "The Empress's real name is . . ." (Randy Lee, Burke) And Last: "Poems about hirudiniasis" (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Next Week: Put Our Heads Together, or Go Ahead, Make My Daily ====================================================================== WEEK 722, published July 15, 2007 Week 722: Let's Play Nopardy! That controversial "Gilligan's Island" episode Hazy, hot, humid and happy Museum of Suburban Culture Pamela Anderson's elbow More bizarre than Karl Rove dancing Homer Simpson's doctoral thesis The upside of tooth loss Arkansas and Old Lace Outhouse loveseats Too ostentatious for Donald Trump Nuanced fart jokes An inappropriate time to wear a kilt It's time once again for our chronic not-much-like- "Jeopardy!" contest, in which we supply 12 phrases and you get to provide questions that they might answer. The twist this time is that all of the phrases were entries in our Week 717 contest, which asked for Googlenopes -- phrases that showed no previous hits from the Google search engine. Some of this week's Nopes got ink last week; most you're seeing for the first time. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives this cool rubber hat that makes its wearer indistinguishable from a sea urchin. It was bought brand-new and donated to The Style Invitational in a shamelessly philanthropic (i.e., suckuppy) move by Loser Dave Prevar of Annapolis. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 23. Put "Week 722" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Gary Wiesman of Herndon. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Who wrote these Googlenopes (from top to bottom): Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.; Leigh Giza, Arlington; Kevin Dopart, Washington; Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.; Elwood Fitzner again; Zachary May, Washington; Xandra Y. Zamora, Northridge, Calif.; Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.; Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.; Brian Fox, Charlottesville; Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.; Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass. And the idea for a Googlenope Jeopardy was by Lawrence McGuire of Waldorf. Report From Week 718, in which we asked readers to combine words from headlines in a single day's Post to make another headline. It's safe to say that if The Post regularly ran headlines like these, the circulation department could take a giant step back from the ledge. Horace LaBadie of Dunnellon, Fla., noted that while the Empress stated that the eligible papers ran through June 25, she neglected to say how old they could be. So Horace offered one from The Post of Oct. 22, 1992: "Pr. William Charged With Abuse of Granny Queen." 4. Insane Monkey on PCP Gains Millions Picking the Right Stocks; Appointed New U.S. Treasury Chief (Scott Slaughter, Mount Airy) 3. Queen 'Gets Down,' Pulls Out Hairpin (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 2. The winner of the Octodog hot-dog-octopus maker: To Retain More Gas, Bush Should Stop Putin (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) And the Winner of the Inker Retirement: Cruising, Travel; Then Medicine, Sippy-Cup (Mae Scanlan, in retirement, Washington) Below the Fold 17-Year-Olds Trade Wyeth Art for Two Cellphones at Estate Sale, Say 'Whatever' (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Editor Baddeley Needed; Ask With In. Experience Help Full. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) D.C. Requiring Redskins to Be New Religion (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) Prosecutors Name Gangsta Heads: Still Seeking Face, Ear (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Bill Clinton Turns Down Advances From Hot Babes; Pigs Fly (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Iranians' Religious Freedom Plan: 14th Century Style Barbecue for Offensive Thoughts (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) U.S. Gains Allies: Foreigners Bill and John Make Two More (Russell Beland, Springfield) Tiger Strokes Own Behind; Protesters Denounce Event (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Abbas Swears in New Cabinet, Abusing the Language With Sewage Words (Mae Scanlan) Bush Delays Meeting with Asia Heads of State, Tackles Backlog of 'All My Children' Recordings (Brendan Beary) Attack by Beautiful Babes Last on List of Blogger Fears (Jay Shuck) Monkeys Beat Washington in Challenge Game; Nationals Owner Wins Bet (Dave Prevar) Disney to Open Hillaryland: Bill Envisions Festive 17-Year-Olds (Randy Lee, Burke) Mystics Play Naked, Interest Swells (Dave Prevar) Bush on a Democratic Iraq: 'Rome Not Built in 290,000 Days' (Chris Doyle) Homer Simpson Appointed Top Nuclear Negotiator to North Korea (Randy Lee) Congregations Tell Top Cleric: Stop Going On About What We Do Wrong; Focus on 'Do Your Own Thing' Stuff (Brendan Beary) Kremlin Boondoggle: 7 Days in Kabul and Milwaukee (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Overlooked Syllable Kills Haiku About Naturalization (Jay Shuck) 5 Brothers Obsessed With Queen's Behind; Four Ejected From British Gardens (Mae Scanlan) Fed Chief Says China Won't Play Fair With Markets; Chinese Comeback: Yuan to Make Something Of It? (Brendan Beary) Montgomery County Takes Going Green to New Extreme: Bethesda to Demand Eco-Friendly Drug Shootings (Brendan Beary) Diagnosing Exotic Germs Requires Sexual Professional With Global Experience (Beverley Sharp, Washington) New Head Fills In Field; Nationals' Home Awash in Sewage (Dave Prevar) Sexy Red-Hot Teachers: Not When We Were Young (Peter Metrinko) Bush Taking Mulligan on Iraq, Will Be Trying Over in Another War-Zone(Russell Beland) Wendy's to Overhaul Business, Offer Wine, Women (Dave Prevar) Senators Deride Courage, Standards; Panel Proposes Perpetual Corruption (John Shea) Hints From Heloise: Don't Say 'Macbeth' (Randy Lee) Global 'Big Bottom' Campaign Counting Morass Abroad (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) Autopsy of The Donald: Hair Is From Woolly Mammoth (Randy Lee) Style Contest Brought On Extreme Hair Loss, Horrible Gas and Monster Zits, Reader Says (Chris Doyle) Next Week: We Har the World, or Abomey (Benin) Nations ====================================================================== WEEK 723, published July 22, 2007 Week 723: Name Your Poison Makes the Heart Grow Fonder: Absinthe and oyster juice, best enjoyed before a blind date No-Ink Monday: Bitters and sour grapes Phyllis Reinhard of East Fallowfield, Pa., is a longtime habitue of Losernet, the e-mail group of various Style Invitational Losers and those who would associate with them. Phyllis reports that one Loser, "in his belief that we actually care about every nuance of his life," regularly shares the recipe of each new cocktail he tries from some book he has. This week: Create a name and recipe for a cocktail and, if you like, describe when it might be served. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives "The Twinkies Cookbook," "an inventive and unexpected recipe collection" put out by Hostess itself (Chapter 9: "Twinkies and Meat"). Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 30. Put "Week 723" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 19. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Phil Frankenfeld of Washington. Report From Week 719, in which we asked you to create funny sports team names from any non-U.S. town: The good news: Many of you had a great time entering this contest, sometimes with hundreds of entries at a pop. One person sent 750. There were about 20,000 entries in all, including the dozens of fine examples printed below. The bad news: At least 19,000 of the entries just stank up the place. They weren't remotely clever or funny, beyond the vague notion of "well, if an actual city had that team name, it would be sort of amusing." No wordplay, no joke. Among the most idiotic entries were those that referred to a product or landmark actually associated with the town name -- Peking Ducks! Bengal Tigers! Paisley Ties! Salisbury Steaks! Limoges Teacups! Chernobyl Reactors! Still, there were some glittering needles to be found in this moldy, festering haystack. Among the funny but too often submitted entries were the Taipei Personalities, Almaty Dollars, London Derrieres, Riga Mortises, Essen Ems, Djibouti Shakers, Haifa Luteins, Quito Success and Whyalla Commotion. And that really good one you sent. A final note: It's almost inevitable that some Loser also sent in one of the entries below and didn't get credited. What can we say: 20,000 entries vs. 1 Empress. Here's the deal: If your entry won a prize and your name isn't on it, AND YOU HAVE NEVER WON THAT PRIZE, let us know and we'll send you one. Otherwise, suck it up, Loser, and get on with your no-life. 4. The Inchbare (Scotland) Islamic Beach Volleyball Team (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) 3. The Juarez (Mexico) Waldos (Bill Cowart, Washington) 2. The winner of the CD of Regis Philbin singing: The Tripoli (Libya) Wide Sox (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase) And the Winner of the Inker The Cinderford (England) Pintos (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) The Winslow (England) Honorable Mentions Acme (Canada) Flattened Coyotes (Russell Beland, Springfield) Acosta (Mexico) Stalkers (Russell Beland) Ahousat (Canada) Ear Trumpets (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Aino (Japan) Sunshine (Dean Meservy, Laurel) Andover (England) Obsessive-Compulsives (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Awsim (Egypt) Dudes (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Baden Baden (Germany) Doggen Doggen (Mary Clippinger, Columbia) Bad Homburg (Germany) Abramoffs (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Balbriggan (Ireland) Feminists (Randy Lee, Burke) Bath (England) Ackwards (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria) Batna (Algeria) Thousand (Michael Mason, Fairfax; Andrew Hoenig) Baotou (China) Authorities (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Belfast (Northern Ireland) Fighting Irish (Valerie Matthews, Ashton) Betio (Kiribati) Sweet Bippies (Randy Lee) Bobeldjiik (Netherlands) Tasteless Dashboard Ornaments (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Boorara (Australia) Mixed Reviews (Russell Beland) Brasov (Romania) Second Basemen (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Bumtum (Burma) Gastroenterologists (Peter Metrinko) Butcombe (England) Fastidious Groomers (Elwood Fitzner) Caracas (Venezuela) Plumbers (Dave Brewer, Seattle) Durn (Austria) Teutons (Peter Metrinko) Eibar (Spain) Ironmen (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Elda (Poland) Statesmen (Chris Doyle) Fatezh (Russia) Yomamas (Jeffrey Rhody, Clarksville) Funabashi (Japan) Killjoys (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.) Hay (Australia) Ewes (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Honkaranta (Finland) Road Ragers (Peter Metrinko) Huon (Australia) Firsts (Jeff Brechlin) Ichihara (Japan) Scrachihedas (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Jomppalan Gorge (Finland) Ringos (Dean Meservy) Kain (Australia) Enablers (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Killarney (Ireland) Terminators (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Kokand (Uzbekistan) Bulls (Elden Carnahan) Kuwait Katsbys (Nora Achrati, Chevy Chase) La Croniere (Luxembourg) White House Advisers (Peter Metrinko) Ladysmith (South Africa) Anvilettes (Ann Martin, Annapolis) Lahore (Pakistan) Skankees (Roy Ashley, Washington) Langedijk (Netherlands) Attempts to Get Something Past the Editor(Brendan Beary) Lille (France) Rascals (Randy Lee) Liverpool (England) Organ Donors (Rich Slavik, California, Md.; Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (Wales) A's (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn; Matthew Hertz, Buffalo; Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Los Cabos (Mexico) Amarillos (Jon Spell, Orem, Utah) Lviv (Ukraine) Roman Numerals (Chris Doyle) Macabebe (Philippines) Bustin' Trojans (Kevin Dopart) Marienbad (Czech Republic) X's (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, England) Narcisse (Canada) Best People Ever (Seth Brown) Nice (France) Lappers (Randy Lee) Nijerk (Netherlands) Reactions (Phyllis Reinhard) Nipigon (Can.) Pasties (Chris Doyle) Nogata (Japan) Prayers (Michael Mason) Notabrane (Sweden) Senators (George Vary, Bethesda) Norong (Australia) Answers (Jane Auerbach) Pori (Finland) Oryx (Prince H., Elsinore, Denmark) (Dean Meservy) Rio (Brazil) Killers (Elwood Fitzner) Salomo (Spain) Replays (Drew Knoblauch, Washington) Sassari (Italy) Apologizers (Randy Lee) Suffren (Canada) Succotash (Marbury Wethered, Greenbelt) Standon (England) O's (Chris Doyle) Stillorgan (Ireland) Bachelors (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Talabanya (Hungary) People Always Getting Mistaken for Terrorists (Brendan Beary) Tatacorral (Peru) Brassieres (Peter Metrinko) Torroboll (Scotland) Twos (Charles Trahan, Jessup) Townsville (Australia) Redundants (Andrew Hoenig) Tutong (Brunei) Prevaricators (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Uvea (Wallis Islands) Cavaliers (Sanford Horn, Alexandria) Warsaw (Poland) Foreign Correspondents (Elden Carnahan) Wingham (England) Flying Pigs (Chris Doyle) Zapala (Argentina) Detainees -- A.G., Washington (Erik Agard, Gaithersburg) And Last: Boerenstreek (Netherlands) Week 719 Entries (Peter Metrinko) Next Week: The Course of Humor Events, or BS in History ====================================================================== WEEK 724, published July 29, 2007 Week 724: Abridged Too Far In the famed Aristophanes play "Lysistrata," The women tell men, "If you war, you'll get nada." The elegantly hilarious couplet at right, about the Greek comedy in which the women of Athens stage a sex strike to make their husbands stop fighting the Peloponnesian War, was submitted by Unbelievably Witty Loser Chris Doyle as an entry for Week 720, whose results appear below. It didn't quite fit in a list of historical events, but it gave the Empress a cheap 'n' easy way to post a new contest. This week: Sum up a book, play or movie in a humorous rhyming verse of two to four lines. Don't include the Bible. For now. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives this stuffed George Bush doll with stuffed flames coming out from his jeans. Pants on fire, get it? Yeah, well. It's very colorful and would make a nice pillow to snuggle up with. From Inge Ashley of Washington. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 6. Put "Week 724" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 25. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Mark Eckenwiler. Report From Week 720, in which we asked you to recount historic events in two-line couplets or some other short and funny way: 4.1450s: Vlad the Impaler's cruel depravities Created a host of bodily cavities. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 3.1546: The Great Reformer died and the worms had a diet of Luther.(Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.) 2. The winner of the Extreme Ironing calendar: 480 BC.: If King Xerxes and friends had invaded Greece properly, That unpleasantness could have been skipped at Thermopylae. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker 1888: The mind of Jack the Ripper warps: his Madness leaves a spree de corpses. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) More From the Annal Compulsives c. 250 B.C.: He ran from the bathtub while shouting "Eureka!" It's how Archimedes became the first streaka. (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) 218 B.C.: For the great commander Hannibal, sweet victory was palpable. Now all he had to do was find a species that was Alp-able. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 44 B.C.: "Beware the ides of March," 'twas warned, or so goes ancient ballad; But Caesar heard it not, and so they turned him into salad. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) At the Battle of Hastings in 1066, Harold's butt is what William the Conqueror kicks. (Chris Doyle) c. 1118: Heloise's uncle found it wasn't hard To fix the problem that was Abelard. (Kevin Dopart) 1415: In Agincourt on Crispin's Day, King Henry stirred with speeches His British band of brothers, who kicked Frenchies in their breaches (Randy Lee, Burke) 1431: Rejecting a quick beheading, Joan of Arc chose a hot stake over a cold chop. (George Vary, Bethesda) 1502-1504:Stylish Michelangelo carved David in the nude, While Leo's Mona Lisa watched in smiling gratitude. (Randy Lee) 1588: The Spanish fleet wasn't. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 1618: No death for three Prague men was fated When dung saved those defenestrated. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Relentless and brutal, our politics now, with the cut and the slash of the blog. Why can't we use Windows more gently, like the Defenestrators of Prague? (Mark Eckenwiler) 1792: Guillotin's chief contribution Won points on style and execution. (Jay Shuck) 1804: Burr leaves Hamilton in a heap On the ground of Weehawken. He had better aim than another veep -- You know 'bout whom we talkin'. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) 1815: Napoleon meets his, uh, Yorktown. (Creigh Richert, Aldie) 1836: Though Jim Bowie showed cojones, Santa Anna had more ponies. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) 1841: When William Henry Harrison was still the prez-to-be, He backed his public service with a one-month guarantee. (Jay Shuck) 1914: His face was no match for Helen of Troy But it launched lots of ships, did Franz, poor boy. (Ian Morrissey, Frederick) 1937: What killed Amelia? We can't tell. Her carry-on contained some gel? (Jay Shuck) 1947: As the envy of all flymen, Yeager broke the sonic hymen. (Kevin Dopart) 1948: The Trib prints famous Dewey headline (The West Coast voted after deadline.) (Andrew Hoenig) In late '53, Playboy first hit the stands: For 54 years now it's been in our hands. Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) 1956: John Edwards's mother paid 50 cents for his first haircut. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 1962: Whether the Mafia aided in Marilyn's death we will leave to the latest disprover, But it's a scurrilous lie that her last negligee was a loaner from J. Edgar Hoover. (Elwood Fitzner) 1966: The Lovin' Spoonful -- 16 hits in just a year or two. Just think, it's almost what the D.C. Nationals can do. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 1968: The year was truly tragic, killing King and RFK, And Vietnam horrific (what with Tet, My Lai and Hue). In springtime Prague was occupied, and Commies got their licks in, And then to cap the year off, we elected Richard Nixon. (Randy Lee) 1983: Karen Carpenter once was on top of the world, But it spun ever faster and off it she hurled. (Chris Doyle) 1983: What was the threat that Reagan saw in minuscule Grenada? His numbers since he left Beirut were what he was afraida. (Jay Shuck) 1997: Woody Allen made flicks, played a mean clarinet. Then he married his daughter. (How Soon-Yi forget.) (Chris Doyle) 2000: At the stroke of midnight, on the dot, The world's computers all crashed -- not. (Andy Bassett) 2001: Wikipedia went online. (How else could I write all these entries of mine?) (Russell Beland) 2004: Secret detentions, wiretaps aplenty: Orwell was off by only twenty. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) 2006: Rummy told he must resign. Soldiers told they must re-sign. (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase) 1896, 1954: Plessy versus Ferguson said "separate but equal." With Brown Against the Board, for once they made a better sequel. (Randy Lee) 2007: Segregated schools, an issue so messy Again we're back to Ferguson and Plessy. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) 52 B.C., 1337, 1415, 1760, 1814, 1871, 1940, 1954: Les Français se rendrent. (Kevin Dopart) And Last: 2004: Three years ago this contest appeared here for the first time, But back then all the entries were required to be in rhyme format. (Russell Beland, winner that time around) Next Week: Know Your Market, or Spitting Images ====================================================================== WEEK 725, published August 5, 2007 Week 725: Beggars For Description · Old dog learns new trick. · When Harry met Sally Forth · "No, no, Sonia! It was supposed to be a harmonica!" · Watson discovers Sherlock's secret. · Bob just wasn't a "word person." · The Founding Fathers wept. · A small error in pronunciation can have huge consequences. · Just remember, no underpants! Harry Trumanis at a table with Sally Forth. She is yammering, "So then Ralph said he thought the department should be reorganized and I pointed out that it was just like a man to blah blah blah . . ." Harry looks at her balefully. Above his head, in a thought balloon, is a vision of her chair, with a mushroom cloud over it. A few weeks ago, the Empress received an urgent communique from a figure in her distant past: the Czar of The Style Invitational, who was evidently getting a bit restless out there in "retirement" on the Siberian steppes. "I have a great idea for an Invitational," it burbled with characteristic modesty. "It may be the best and most original and most fantastic in the entire history of the written word." Yes? "What about a REVERSE caption contest? We supply the captions, they come up with what the cartoon should be (just a written summary). Staake draws the winner and runners-up." The Empress expressed certain reservations, citing the well-established 1,000-to-1 word-picture-worth ratio and possibly using the words "idiotic" and "doomed." This week: Go ahead, prove the Czar right and the Empress wrong: Describe, without being boring, a cartoon to fit any of the captions given above, as did the Czar in the example above. Bob will indeed draw the winner and runners-up. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy, plus Bob Staake's signed pencil sketch of the winning entry. Runners-up get Bob's sketches of their entries. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 13. Put "Week 725" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Dave Prevar. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russell Beland. Report From Week 721, in which we provided these four photos and asked readers to submit pairs of captions: one that would appeal to the wholesome, accessible sensibilities of the Harrisburg Patriot-News, and one that would appeal to The Style Invitational: 4. Photo D: Patriot-News: "Hmmm, smooth. Maybe I willswitch to that four-track razor!" Style Invitational: "Idiot, you hide the Vaselinebehind your own ear!" (Steve Fahey) 3. Photo C: PN: "I spy with my little eye . . . you!" SI: The latest in rapper bling: a $2,000 Gucci leather snot rag. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) 2.The winner of the macho NestleYorkie candy bar:Photo B: PN: It's the "X" men -- up, up and away! SI: The government's new "Stop at Rail Crossings" campaign had some novel elements. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) And the Winner of the Inker Photo B: Patriot-News: In the new "Little Mermaid" ballet, dancers do the "Starfish" piece. Style Invitational: In the new "Little Mermaid" ballet, dancers do the "Cod" piece. (Ben Aronin, Washington) The Pale of Two Cities: Honorable Mentions PHOTO A: PN: "We've got to stop meeting like this!" SI: "We've got to stop meeting like this. My horse is beginning to suspect." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) SI: Mary was acutely aware that the new relationship was one of her last, best chances to avoid dying miserable and alone. PN: Mary had a little llama. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) PN: "Just between us girls." SI: "Dr. Dolittle never told you what else Pushmi-Pullyus have two of . . ." (D.L. Williams, Bethesda) PN: That llady just made him one llucky llama! SI: Monica Lewinskymoves up in the world. (Russell Beland, Springfield) PN: "Ewww! Hairy lips!" SI: The new Breathallama device twitches its floppy ears when it smells alcohol. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester) PN: She nose I love her! SI: "Eat your own boogers, lady." (Martin Bancroft) PHOTO B: PN: "Oh, oh, pick me, Miss DeMille!" SI: The FBIboot camp was supervised directly by Mr. Hoover.(Russell Beland) PN: Up With People! SI: One of the controversial NRAshooting range target series. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) PN: If your shorts were that tight, you'd be jumping too! SI: The Romney campaign explained that the governor returned to square dancing the month after the photo was taken. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) PN: Let me hear you sing it now: Y-M-C-A! SI: The finalists in the National Vitruvian Man Competition. (Richard Licata, Wheaton) SI: Surveyed afterward, 95 percent of the "Family Feud" audience preferred X's displayed on the scoreboard, rather than this human version. HP: The Patriot-News apologizes for printing the above photo in yesterday's Living section. The editor responsible is no longer with us. (Martin Bancroft) PHOTO C: PN: The "nose" have it! SI: Rupert Harrison, of 378 N. Oak St., uses his own handmade disguise after budget cuts hit the state Witness Protection Program. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) PN: "I can still see you!" WP: "I can beat you with one eye tied behind my back." (George Murray, Vienna) PN: "I could have had a V-8!" SI: The Olympic Committee has ruled that Wen Liu did indeed cheat in the hide-and-seek medal round. (Dan Colilla, Pittsburgh) P-N: "Peek-a-boo, I see you." Style: "Aw, man, that's my brother dancing in Picture B." (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) PHOTO D: HP: Washington may have the Nationals, but Harrisburghas a baseball team called the Senators! (Though we're both in last place.) SI: After Congressional Night at RFK, Nationals players check each other for earmarks. (Michael Peck, Alexandria) PN: A Nat swats a gnat. SI: The only solid hit the Nats got in all night. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) PN: What's wrong with this pitcher? WP: Viagrawon't help, you fool. The doctor said you need a cochlea implant! (Martin Bancroft) Next Week: Let's Play Nopardy!or Taking 'Nope for an Answer ====================================================================== WEEK 726, published August 12, 2007 Week 726: Limerixicon 4 There's a word with "C-L" that is titterous, And it's making the Empress all jitterous. To be perfectly clear, Here's the thing that we fear: With unprintable entries you'll litter us. It's time for our annual visit to the indefatigable Chris J. Strolin and his Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form. When we last checked in (52 weeks ago) with Chris J. and his minions of online OEDILFers all working toward the goal of writing limericks for every word in the English language, they had posted more than 30,000 and were then up to words beginning with ca-. Now Chris J. reports that the site has passed the 42,000 mark and still is navigating the high C's. This week: Supply a humorous limerick based on any word in the dictionary beginning with cl- through co-. The limerick can define the word (as most of the OEDILF limericks do) or simply make its meaning clear (maybe even without saying it), as in the example above, which was penned by the onetime Czar of The Style Invitational with the warning "If you conclude it is not genius, I resign from life." (He lives, after a bit of imperial editing for meter in Line 1.) For the Empress's guidelines on limerician rhyme and meter, see the link at http:www.oedilf.com. Her standards are stricter than some people's, looser than others. Once we run the results on Sept. 8, you may submit your entries (getting ink here or not) to the Oedilfers as well. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets two excellent volumes: a colorful 2006 year-in-review in Swedish, and the Candace Bushnell novel "Blondynki," often known as "Blondes" when not translated into Polish. Honorable Mentions(or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 20. Put "Week 726" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Jon Reiser of Hilton, N.Y. Report From Week 721, our perennial "Jeopardy"-ish contest, except that all the "answers" consisted of Googlenopes (unique search engine hits) submitted in the Week 717 contest: 4. Museum of Suburban Culture:What description did Lawrence Small put on his Smithsonianexpense account after putting a chandelier in his garage? (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) 3. Pamela Anderson's elbow:What's the centerfold in this month's Rumspringa Magazine? (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) 2. Winner of the rubber sea urchin hat: That controversial "Gilligan's Island" episode:What's the one where the Professor uses stem cells from Mary Ann's and Ginger's aborted fetuses to save the life of the Skipper? (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) And the Winner of the Inker More bizarre than Karl Rovedancing: What is Scooter Libbywalking? (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase) And These Parting Gifts Go To ... THE UPSIDE OF TOOTH LOSS: What is Chapter 3 of the Happy Hooker's new book for older women?(Michael Seaton, Bowie) What is getting a million-dollar tabloid photo of Allen Iverson's fist two inches from your face? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) What is the ability to warm your nose with your lower lip? (Russ Taylor, Vienna) MUSEUM OF SUBURBAN CULTURE: Where can you find mummies buried under piles of laundry? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) What is the back seat of a minivan? (D.L. Williams, Bethesda) What museum receives only a handful of visitors each year, but still plans to add on a sunroom for entertaining? (Jon Shaner, Grand Rapids, Mich.) What's not nearly as depressing at the Museum of Urban Crime? (Tom Witte, Suburbia) ARKANSAS AND OLD LACE: What did Kirstie Alleywear to the Emmys? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) What is currently on top of Bill Clinton's grandma? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) What was the nickname for the unsuccessful presidential ticket of Mike Huckabeeand Barney Frank? (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) What are two things Hillary Clintonwouldn't be caught dead in? (Russ Taylor; Mike Fransella, Arlington) OUTHOUSE LOVESEATS: What does the Court-A-Potty company specialize in? (D.L. Williams) What furniture is artsy and also fartsy? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What furniture was custom-made for Chang and Eng Bunker? (Jeffrey Susser, Silver Spring) Where would "kissy-poo" be an apt term of endearment? (Chri Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) MORE BIZARRE THAN KARL ROVE DANCING: What is Dennis Kucinich singing "Sixteen Tons"? (Judith Cottrill, New York) AN INAPPROPRIATE TIME TO WEAR A KILT: What is parachuting into the Everglades? (Steve Fahey, Kensington) What is your day to lead the "Visit Metro's Longest Escalators" tour? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) What's Free Bratwurst Day at the dog track? (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) What's true of getting stopped by the Malibupolice that isn't true of filming "Braveheart"? (Russell Beland, Springfield) HOMER SIMPSON'S DOCTORAL THESIS: What is "Dynamics of Gastrointestinal Interspersion of Sucrose-Infused Carbohydrate Toroids Within a 5 Percent Ethyl Alcohol Medium?" (Tom Savonick, Milford, N.J.) If you sat three monkeys at typewriters for one hour . . . ? (Andrew Hoenig) What's on the bookshelf between Ashlee and Jessica Simpson's doctoral theses? (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) THAT CONTROVERSIAL "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND" EPISODE: What was the one where, right before his big date with Ginger, the Professor synthesized Rohypnol from a banana, seaweed and the Skipper's hat? (Marc Leibert, New York) What eventually caused Bob Denver to lose out to Marlon Brandofor the role of Don Corleone? (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) HAZY, HOT, HUMID AND HAPPY: What subtitle comes after "The Earth" in the title of the Bush administration's report on global warming? (Evan Allgood, Alexandria) Instead of the names of the days, what words does Britney Spearsput on a week's worth of panties? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) How does the Secret Servicerefer to Scooter, Condi, Cheney and Bush? (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) PAMELA ANDERSON'S ELBOW: What is the only part of Pamela Anderson's body without a warranty? (Eric Murphy) At the onset of puberty, a boy's diagnosis of "Little Leagueelbow" is reclassified as what ailment? (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) What is represented by the left or right symbol in the following rebus? (Jennifer Rubio, Oakton) What can definitely be differentiated from Pamela Anderson's behind? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) What will Pamela Anderson's breast be adjacent to when she turns 50? (Leigh Giza, Centerville) TOO OSTENTATIOUS FOR DONALD TRUMP: Can you explain the concept of "null set"? (Steve Ettinger) What is the name of that new fragrance by P. Diddy? (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) What is one thing that wearing a mink toupee and shoes made from giant panda leather, while dining on truffle-stuffed hummingbirds, is not? (Russ Taylor) Next Week: Name Your Poison, orTwo Parts Grin, One Part Uncouth ====================================================================== WEEK 727, published August 19, 2007 Week 727: We Get A C-Section Next Sunday on this page (if you are reading this on an actual tree-based page), you will see "The Style Invitational." But you will not see The Style Invitational. There will only be a box directing you to go back in time to the previous day. Because this coming weekend, with Week 728, the Empress is packing up her inkblots and moving to Saturday's Style section, Page C2. It's just one of the ripples caused by the consolidation of Sunday's Style and Arts sections into -- ta-da! -- the Style & Arts section, debuting next Sunday. Given that the Invitational has for quite a while been posted online every Saturday morning, the move won't make much difference to some regular readers. But surely, there will be some effect worth noting, or predicting, or speculating on in a ridiculous manner. This week: Tell us some pros and cons (they don't necessarily have to be in sets) of moving The Style Invitational to the Saturday Style section. Alternatively: Write us up some free promo-ad copy announcing the move. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets an official Loser Ear Picker or Key Chain, shown here in the former function by its creator, Kyle Hendrickson of Frederick, who sculpted a number of these himself for the 18 participants of this year's Loserfest field trip to Williamsburg and Jamestown. (In Jamestown, archaeologists recently discovered an ornate silver ear picker among the artifacts, thus inspiring Kyle's Loserly version.) Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 27. Put "Week 727" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 15. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart, who also suggested, in a way, the new contest. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Report From Week 723, in which we asked you to play verbal mixologist and concoct an appropriately named beverage. The Empress had forgotten that we'd done pretty much the same contest four years ago; fortunately the Losers found lots of timely reasons to be snarky. 4. The Barry B: a nutritious blend of vitamins, minerals, protein and some other stuff, served with a wink. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) 3. The Dead Russian: Vodka, Kahlua and thallium. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 2. The winner of "The Twinkies Cookbook":The Let My People Go: Manischewitz and prune juice. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) And the Winner of the Inker The D.C. Voting Rights Bill: A Shirley Temple with an O'Doul's chaser.(Roy Ashley, Washington) The Bottom Shelf The Road Rage: Start with lots of Schlitz, add a finger of Effen vodka. Occasionally chased with a shot. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) The Mitt: An appletini, poured down the sink and replaced with Southern Comfort and bourbon. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) The Gin Rummy: The liquor you have. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington; Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Pat Robertson Wine: A liter of water and keep praying. (Kevin Dopart, sent from Naxos, Greece) The Washington Workaholic: Pour shot of blackberry liqueur in a glass. Add a cup of strong black coffee. Check the blackberry. Add ice. Check the blackberry again. (Anne Paris, Arlington) The Pull My Finger: Old Grand-Dad and bicarbonate of soda. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) The Orange Monopoly: St. James's rum and Tennessee whiskey; goes perfectly with a New York strip. (Randy Lee, Burke) The Washington National: A pitcher with nothing. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) The Fountain of Truth: Diet Coke, Mentos and Sodium Pentothal. (Russell Beland) The Executive Privilege: One finger, straight up. (Mark Eckenwiler) Shabbily: A white wine adapted for cultivation in Arkansas. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) The Manhattan Project: Vermouth, whiskey and heavy water. (Chris Doyle) A Lindsay Lohan: Same recipe as a Shirley Temple, but substitute tequila for ginger ale and cocaine for the cherry. (Kevin Dopart) The Tequila X: Cutty Sark with OJ (Beverley Sharp, Washington) The Katrina Aftermath: Here's mud in your rye. (Chris Doyle) Mix equal parts Rémy Martin, Möet & Chandon champagne and Cointreau. It's called Le Rem-Moet-Cointreau -- thousands of TV viewers reached for it during this year's Tour de France. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Jugo de Chavez: A South American distillate very popular in the United States -- it's even served by the barrel -- though it leaves a bad taste in the mouth. (Joel Knanishu) The Vasectomy: Dry Sack, straight up. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) The Herve Villechaize: Nehi and a shot. (Mark Eckenwiler) Campaign on the Rocks: Dom Perignon, tears. The house drink on the Straight Talk Express. (Mae Scanlan) Iowa Ethanol Blend: Just Kool-Aid, but all presidential candidates must drink it. (Kevin Dopart) The SUV: Straight-Up Vodka. Never in water or on rocks. Refill continually. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) The Coach Gibbs: a truly excellent vintage champagne, gone flat. (Chris Doyle) The Ron Paul: A drink you make just the way you want it, without bartender intervention. (Roy Ashley) Next Week: Abridged Too Far, or Tale Wagging Doggerel ====================================================================== WEEK 728, published August 25, 2007 Week 728: Tour de Fours IV borchestral: Describing the effect of hearing Pachelbel's Canon played 20 minutes straight by 101 Strings while you're on hold with Customer "Service." Astrolians: Weird aliens who subsist on a noxious brown paste("Vegemite"). To mark the debut of the Invitational's appearance in the Saturday Style section after more than 14 years in the Sunday paper, we'll devote our annual Tour de Fours neologism contest to the letters SATR. This week: Coin and define a humorous word that includes -- with no other letters between them, but in any order you like -- the letters S, A, T and R, as in the examples above. It has to be a new word, not a new definition for a well-known existing word. You may add a hyphen for clarity. A funny example of its use would not be rejected out of hand. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets the rock pictured here , which is a genuine dinosaur poop fossil, according to the Web site where Loser Peter Metrinko of Chantilly ordered it. In any case, it is a heavy, colorful, craggy big-fist-size rock with all sorts of lines and cool colors that look pretty darn dinosaur-poopy to us. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions(or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitatonal Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 4. Put "Week 728" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Anne Paris. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Jay Shuck. Report From Week 724, in which we asked you to summarize books, movies or plays in rhyming verses of two to four lines. A number of the funnier entries were comments about the works rather than actual summaries, but the Empress, typically, imperiously ignored her own directions. 4. "Remembrance of Things Past": A plate of biscuits dunked in tea, A distant childhood memory . . . These incidents move Proust to jot a Load of yadda, yadda, yadda. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 3. "De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium": Copernicus proves what we already knew: The universe doesn't revolve around you. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2. the winner of the George Bush "pants on fire" doll: "Jurassic Park": Spielberg makes a dino-island Guarded by an ocean moat. When the dinosaurs escape, They're going to need a bigger goat. (Laura McGinnis, Takoma Park) And the Winner of the Inker "The Scarlet Letter": Hester Prynne conceives in sin. In Puritan excess, She has to pay and wear that "A" -- "adulterer" -- on her dress. She snubs Rev. Arthur Dimmesdale's pleas that she expose the father. She knows he's glad (this next rhyme's bad) 'cause "A," it stands for "Arthur." (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Buried in a Nearby Plot "Anna Karenina": Anna loved Vronsky a fearsome amount, And under a train, she went down for the Count. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) "Braveheart": William Wallace fights against the English, Battling over every Scottish acre, Wearing kilts and so much gaudy makeup To overshadow even Tammy Bakker. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) "Close Encounters of the Third Kind": Guy goes nuts for Devil's Tower, Drives there ninety miles an hour. The creatures beckoned him, alone, With that "Re-mi-do-do-so" ring tone. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) "De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium": Copernicus was worried that the church would have his head, So he held off publication until very nearly dead. Let's give old Nick some credit; it's a clever tactic, very -- It isn't every guy who writes his own orbit-uary. (Brendan Beary) "Equus" -- describing an act of near-slaughter -- Is now linked forever to nude Harry Potter. (Olivia Walch, Fairfax Station) "Gigi": Chevalier "for little girls" thanked Heaven with a smile. He seemed about as charming as a chronic pedophile. (Randy Lee, Burke) "Groundhog Day": Being sick, not with the flu But a chronic case of deja vu, Bill Murray tries to bunk a bonnie In the town of Punxsutawney. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) "Gulliver's Travels": No surprise: What matters most in men is size. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "Ishtar": This film explains, by foolish plot, Why Mike Nichols directs, and Elaine May not. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) "Jaws": The mayor's concern for the image of Amity Leads the populace into the Jaws of calamity. (Lance Becker, Burke) "Joy of Cooking": Recipes for any venue (Once you add a take-out menu). (Kevin Dopart) "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"; A woman thinks of love, a man about his . . . next sexual encounter. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) "The Old Man and the Sea" -- what an Ernest bore: 128 pages of fishing for a metaphor. (Jerry Gumbiner, Washington) "Portnoy's Complaint": How 'bout that Alex Portnoy? He was startlingly candid. Consider, too, his manuscript: He typed it all one-handed. (Brendan Beary) "Pretty Woman": If you're rich, but something's missing, It's a ho you should be kissing. (Anne Paris, Arlington) "Pygmalion": She just needed lessons, he hadn't a doubt. So Higgins forced an "h" on her -- and she got the H out. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) "Rosemary's Baby": The pregnancy does not go well; Appalled, she births a kid-from-hell. But motherhood is such a joy! She dotes on her Beelzeboy. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) "The Sixth Sense": With his Sixth Sense, Haley Joel Could hear the corpses talking. But who could guess that Bruce was just Another dead man walking? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde": Mr. Hyde subdued his weak half: Jekyll should have stuck with decaf. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) "A Streetcar Named Desire": Vivien blanched when she saw the great dangers Of depending upon the kindness of strangers And Brando gave a Stella performance In that cellar in New Orlance. (Beryl Benderly, Washington) "Sweeney Todd": The barber on Fleet Street is baking a treat -- It's a pie with this moral: You are what you eat. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) "Thelma and Louise": Two best friends drove off a cliff (In freeze frame, holding hands). They couldn't take no more BS From all them evil mans. (Randy Lee) "Titanic": 'Twas praised as "the Unsinkable," But then came the unthinkable. How joyfully they'd raised a cup, With toasts prophetic: "Bottoms Up!" (Beverley Sharp) "2001: A Space Odyssey": Assisted by a big black slab, The planet's apes contrive To ultimately program HAL With Windows 95. (Kevin Dopart) "The Yearling": Beloved pet becomes a menace and Child turns it into venison. (Laura McGinnis) Next Week: Beggars for Description, or Get the Picture ====================================================================== WEEK 729, published September 1, 2007 Week 729: Otherwordly Visions "I'm not proposing tax relief because it's the popular thing to do, I'm proposing it because it's the right thing to do." -- George W. Bush Plain English version "I'm proposing it because it's a right popular thing to do."(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) This handy translation landed big ink in 2000, in what was helpfully numbered Week IX , even though the Invitational was by then seven years old. In this campaign season, further clarifications are in order. This week: Take any sentence in an article or ad in The Washington Postor on washingtonpost.com from Sept. 1 through Sept. 10 and translate it into "plain English," as in the example above.Please specify what article the sentence is from, and what date and page. If necessary, briefly explain the context of the sentence. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pack of Genuine Panda Poo paper from the San Diego Zoo, stationery made from the bamboo-rich fibers of you-know-what, donated by Intermittent Loser David Smith of Santa Cruz, Calif. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 10. Put "Week 729" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart, who borrowed it from Eric Murphy. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Anne Paris of Arlington. Report From Week 725, in which we supplied several "captions" and asked you to describe the cartoons they would accompany. The Empress posted this contest, at the Czar's suggestion, with some trepidation, concerned that dozens of descriptions of undrawn cartoons would just be too tedious. She concedes that her fears were unfounded, and therefore owes the Czar the heart cut out of her chest. Invitational Cartoonist Bob Staake chose this week's top four winners from the entries below, and will personally deface each winning sketch with his signature as a prize. 4. A small error in pronunciation can have huge consequences. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) 3. Bob just wasn't a "word person." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) 2. Old dog learns new trick. (Dan Colilla, Pittsburgh) And the Winner of the Inker "No, no, Sonia! It was supposed to be a harmonica!" (Cy Gardner, Arlington) A Thousand Words Not Worth a Picture Bob just wasn't a "word person." Bob drowning in fast-flowing river, frantically signaling with his hands, while people on the riverbank look befuddled: "Um, movie? Two words?" (Bird Waring, New York) Bob Dylansinging, "Lay, lady, lay. Lay across my big brass bed." Woman correcting him: "It's LIE!" (Randy Lee, Burke) Bob's car races under a highway sign reading: "Danger! Bridge Out! Piranha-Infested Acid Pool! STD-Infected Cannibal Zombie Pederasts! Life Insurance Salesman of the Quarter!" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A man and a woman are at a restaurant as the waiter takes their order. The man is standing, dressed as a mime, imitating a chicken. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) A man is throttling the Microsoftpaper clip. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) Bob is doing the Sunday crossword by filling in the boxes with Sudoku numbers. (Cy Gardner) "Just remember, no underpants!" A director addresses a line of women. Sign behind them says "Today's Workshop: Be Like Britney." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) "David," a muscular model posing in Jockey shorts, is advising Michelangelo as the sculptor begins chiseling the marble right below the waist. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Guerrilla leader stands in front of a group of men in fatigues. Sign says "Commando Debriefing Session." (Marty McCullen; Michael Mason, Fairfax) A woman is shopping for pet clothes. Her Chihuahua peeks its head out of her purse and says . . . (Jean Sorensen) A small error in pronunciation can have huge consequences. Two men stand outside an office building that is swarming with emergency personnel, a hazmat team, etc. One guy says: "Well, that's the last time I call maintenance about the ant tracks in my office." (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) A man in Arab garb sits at a bar, liquid dripping from his head and face, an empty glass on the bar next to him, as an attractive Western-attired woman storms angrily away. He says to the bartender, "All I said is that she looks like a houri!" (Mike Fransella, Arlington) God looks down in exasperation as Noah tries valiantly to get all the animals balanced on the big wooden arch he has built, as the storm approaches. (Tom Lacombe, Browntown, Va.) Watson discovers Sherlock's secret. Watson sees Holmes surreptitiously reading "The Hound of the Baskervilles" and taking notes. Holmes thought bubble: "Ah, so that's what those footprints mean . . . " (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) When Harry met Sally Forth. Billy Crystal and Sally sit at a restaurant table. Sally says: "I wouldn't know, I've never had one." (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Harry Potterand Sally sit at a restaurant table. Sally brandishes a wand, saying: "Okay, I point this at Ted and shout 'Enlargibus!'?" Harry says, "Maybe twice." (Martin Bancroft) A large human hand kills something with a rolled-up comics section. Ants standing nearby look on in horror, as one of them screams, "HARRY!" (Jay Shuck) "No, no, Sonia! It was supposed to be a harmonica!" A man, his feet in a puddle, stands in front of a dike where water spurts from a small rectangular hole. A cymbal and a guitar are stuck into other holes. A pile of discarded brass and woodwind instruments is to his left. A woman to his right holds out a triangle. (Beth Baniszewski) The Founding Fathers wept. Beneath a sign that says "Welcome Continental Congress," a group of Founding Fathers stands in a circle, looking sadly at the pizza that John Adamshas just dropped onto the floor. (Jeff Brechlin) Sign on the Capitol: "The Anheuser-BuschCapitol Building." (Joseph Mat Schech, Colesville) Next Week: Limerixicon 4, or Anapest Destiny ====================================================================== WEEK 730, published September 8, 2007 Week 730: Time-Wastes For Everyman Along with his entry for Week 726, Loser Russ Taylor of Vienna marveled at the amount of brainpower that must have gone into compiling the database at OEDILF.com , which now includes more than 43,000 limericks defining words in the Oxford English Dictionary -- and it's not even finished with the C's. "The OEDILF makes me think that there is a contest in describing activities that make entering The Style Invitational seem like a constructive use of one's time." Okay, seems as good a waste of effort as anything else. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the Float'n Firefly toothbrush, which besides containing a snow-globish thing in its handle, encourages extensive brushing by flashing red lights in your face for a full 60 seconds. What lovelier way to enjoy the peace of the early morning, now that Howard Stern is no longer on the free airwaves? Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 17. Put "Week 730" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phil Frankenfeld of Washington. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Bruce Alter of Fairfax Station. Report From Week 726, in which we sought limericks featuring words beginning with cl- through co-: 4. If complacency strikes, you may find That you're not the industrious kind. Though your life could be better, You're not a go-getter. But so what? It's okay, you don't mind. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) 3. Does my constantrepeating suggest That I'm senile or totally stressed? I forget what I've said And it fills me with dread . . . Does my constant repeating suggest . . . (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2. the winner of the Swedish 2006 year-in-review and the Polish translation of Candace Bushnell's "4 Blondes": At Communion, my soul staves off danger All thanks to that kid from the manger. If I nibble the Host While forgetting the Ghost, I'm just a poor wafering stranger. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) And the Winner of the Inker Though we opened to critics' acclaim, My play died in three days. I'm to blame, Since the title, so vital To any recital, Was "Closedfor Repairs" -- no one came. (Chris Strolin, Belleville, Ill.) AABBA'S B-Sides Cox was a cocky young coxswain Who because of his heart took digoxswain. He kept all his meds in(And also his Keds in) The boxswain which Cox kept his soxswain. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) "If I said that I hadn't a clue, "Then, Watson, just what would you do?" "Well, Holmes, I confess, "I would probably guess!" "Which is why, Watson, I am not you." (Richard English, Partridge Green, West Sussex, England) At the precinct, I stopped up the flow on All the urinals, toilets and so on. But they've none to accuse. As I left them no clues-- And the cops have got nothing to go on. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) The Donald's a whiz with a reel And a shark when he's closingthe deal. His slippery morays And conger-line forays Appear in "The Dart of the Eel." (Chris Doyle) I'll be very direct and succinct: No, the coelacanthisn't extinct. Its existence belies The alleged demise Ichthyologists formerly thinct. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) To clapis a signal of joy, But the clap is a downer, my boy. You go from erotic To antibiotic And pray for the pills you employ. (Jack Held, Fairfax) As control freaks,we tend to dress neater, And you'll find our suggestions concreter. (A note to the editor: Don't leave out the credit, or Forget to check tone, rhyme and meter.) (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Body bags, toe tags galore! An examiner, medical? Sure! If your morgue's small in size, Hire one of our guys -- Check the buys at the coronerstore. (Bob Dvorak, Saugerties, N.Y.) "She's commando!"the paper reported. The pictures were certainly sordid. Her life's in a rut: She's going bare-butt. Britney's poor brain must have shorted. (Dan Colilla, Pittsburgh) Said the captain, "I think there's a sick tie " 'Tween this half-eaten foot and this licked eye. "Arrest this guy Dahmer "And once we get calmer, "See what's left of the corpus delicti." (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) Glenn Close,who's a popular star, Went into a Hollywoodbar. They told her, "My dear, You can't smoke in here." And so it was Close, no cigar. (Mae Scanlan) The philosopher rolls in his grave; Two millennia's wisdom and they've Put it inside a cookie You crack for a lookie: "Confuciussay: Oh, just behave!" (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) I'm a wonderful son of a gun. Ascertainable flaws? I have none. I'm handsome and tall, Just the greatest of all. (So reports a committeeof one.) (Chris Doyle) Father John's an unfortunate bearer Of news that, by rites, should be rarer. Seems a test will reveal He's a father for real, The result of a clericalerror. (Chris Strolin) Coprophiliacs, welcome! It's true That the Invite appreciates poo. And because you're well versed, You may find yourself first, But we know you'd prefer Number Two. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) How he preached of revolt loud and true, But a coward was he through and through. When the brave went ahead And achieved what he'd said, He'd absconded. Yes, he flew the coup. (Harvey Smith, McLean) Armed with "facts," Mr. Tenet would stress: "There's a threat we must quickly address. "Send the troops, let's attack! "Take us into Iraq!" Was it counterintelligence?Yes. (Scott Campisi) The verses of one William Cowper Are thought, for their time, sowper-dowper. Well, I tackled "The Castaway" Once, and it fast away Put me right into a stowper. (Mae Scanlan) Though he sailed Spraddle Creek with bravado, The asthmatic yet fierce desperado Succumbed there at dockside To CO While mooring at Vail CO. (Chris Strolin) One from Down Under, and pronounced accordingly: When you dance the Brazilian samba, All over your partner you clamba. You're lithe and you're supple Combinedas a couple. Exotic. Erotic. Caramba! (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) And Last: Some fame that is finite and fleeting, A shirt with a Loser-themed greeting, A magnet so thin It's as light as a pin -- Can't believe it's for these we're competing. (Chris Strolin) If your appetite for limericks is merely whetted (rather than soaked through), read more Honorable Mentions . More Honorable Mentions from Week 726 of The Style Invitational, which asked for limericks featuring words beginning with cl- through co-: The new surgeon is skilled, it's a fact, Though he still ought to clean up his act. For to sing, as a gag, "Papa's got a new bag" At colostomies shows little tact. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) A restaurateur who's a schnook Gives the sous-chef a lecherous look. What crosses his mind Is her shapely behind. Will it lead him to goose his own cook? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) ad_icon One finds constipation quite galling; We say to our bowels, "Quit stalling!" On the body, it's rough, And that's bad enough, But when of the mind, it's appalling. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Mrs. Bobbitt's life sorely did grieve her, Since her man wouldn't love her and leave her. He continued to slog (His best friend was his log), But his woman's best friend was her cleaver. (Fiona Burke, Houston) I signed on as a pirate's apprentice, But soon getting lost would torment us. "You do not have a head For the map work," they said. "You're a clear case of non compass mentis." (Chris Strolin, Belleville, Ill.) Copulation is not merely fun; It's a duty to life unbegun. We have to keep pace With the whole human race: I'm coming to get the job done. (Robert Holland, Toronto) Four-leaf clovers, they say, are good luck. I've found many, but never been struck By a lottery win Or bequest from my kin, So when pigeons fly over, I duck. (Sheila Blume, Sayville, N.Y.) I'll confess to this act of stupidity: I suffered from chronic flaccidity. When I got a quick thrill From one little blue pill, I took ten. Now it's chronic rigidity. (Chris Doyle) When you drive to work, you're a commuter. But another example that's cuter Is the guy who's so grand He can just wave his hand And wipe out all jail time for Scooter. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) See a doctor if ever your colon Is terribly achy or swollen Don't dilly or dally, Because it's an alley Down which you will want to keep bowlin'. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Confucius advised sage and rookie On topics from business to nooky, With words here to stay That are read every day Whenever you open a cookie. (Randy Lee, Burke) The fish and chip guy really tries To conceal his enormous surprise, But he nearly expires When the tourist inquires, "Can you sell me a codpiece-- no fries?" (David Franks, Wichita) As I looked o'er the edge of the coaming At the sea with its crashing and foaming, It finally clicked That I had been tricked -- This wasn't the bus to Wyoming. (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) National laws force compliance From large multinational giants Who might otherwise feel That it's not a big deal To go out and "cluck all defiance." (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) "It's the 6 o'clock news, live from Sodom! You want naked co-anchors? We've got 'em!" (If two hotties are viewed Reading news in the nude, Our show's ratings may rise from the bottom.) (Chris Strolin) Next Week: We Get a C-Section, or A Day Early, a Dollar 15 Short ====================================================================== WEEK 731, published September 15, 2007 Week 731: Doo Process The Empress, for whom coffee constitutes the top three levels of the food pyramid (popcorn forms the base), recently learned about the most expensive joe in the world: Kopi luwak, or civet coffee. It sells for literally hundreds of dollars a pound, because it's not just a matter of Juan Valdez out there picking each Colombian coffee bean: To produce civet coffee, the Asian palm civet -- a cute little tree-dwelling mammal -- snarfs up the beans, gives them a splash of a special tasty enzyme as they pass through its innards, then poops them out to be harvested and roasted, producing, according to the Tastes of the World Web site, a taste that is "earthy, musty and exotic with syrupy body and smooth flavor." This week's contest, suggested by Loser Mark Eckenwiler of Washington: Describe for us a wildly inefficient and ridiculous way to produce or prepare an ordinary dish or beverage. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this fabulous electronic stuffed lamb , sent to The Post by the Gospel Music Channel and rescued by the Empress from the mailroom wastebasket. Push a button and the lamb's hoofs wave(somewhat feebly) as a man's energetic baritone leads a funky choir, very loudly and for a very long time. We introduce the 2007-08 lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets for honorable mentions, created as always by The Invitational's own Bob Staake. The texts were submitted as entries for the recent contest to decorate the Loser T-shirt and mug. We may go back to the same well for next year's slogans, but other ideas are always welcome in the interim. Tom Witte, Montgomery Village Bruce Carlson, Alexandria Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 24. Put "Week 731" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Roy Ashley of Washington. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Drew Bennett of West Plains, Mo. Report From Week 727, in which we asked you to speculate on the effects of The Style Invitational's move from Sundays to Saturdays, or to give us some promotional announcements that we wouldn't have to pay professionals to write. (You corporations that are using amateur videos in your commercials, we're way ahead of you on the exploitation front.) Many people lamented no longer being able to read the brand-new Invitational results during the minister's sermon, while others looked forward to reading them during the rabbi's sermon. Some people predicted they'd hear them as part of the sermon. Numerous others rejoiced that they'd have perfect fish-wrapping paper awaiting them the morning after Friday night's dinner. Aside from that, well, we're afraid that this wasn't one of the Losers' more fruitful weeks. In fact, the contest was pretty much a bust, perhaps showing that maybe there really isn't any interesting effect to speak of -- even imaginary -- in moving The Style Invitational to Saturdays. Except for the gag prize , we'll just give out magnets this week, thus saving The Washington Post even more money. At least the Empress was comforted by these encouraging words from Bill Moulden of Frederick, one of The Invitational's most venerable and loyal readers: "This, my dear, is the kiss of death. I hope you have a backup job somewhere. I hear McDonald's is hiring." The Winner of the Custom-Made Loser Ear Picker: Promo slogan:The Style Invitational: Now taking up an even larger percentage of the newspaper! (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) To Be Read While Watching Cartoons Post management can bring the "I Moved Dilbert to the Business Section" booby prize out of retirement. (Thad Humphries, Castleton, Va.; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) At least that all-important 78-91 demographic will still see The Invitational. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The extra day before the deadline means that if we don't submit polished entries, it will be no one's fault but our ow. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) This is a positive change because we Style Invitational writers will be getting our royalty payments a day earlier. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) If it ain't broke, find a way to break it. We're moving to Saturdays! (Patrick Mattimore, San Francisco) It's a good thing The Invitational moved to Saturdays: As a contest calling for wit and brainpower, The Invitational couldn't hope to hold a candle to the new Washington Post Magazine feature where you have to find all the differences between two pictures. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Spared from having to read derisive jokes about them on game day, the Redskinswill learn to relax, feel better about themselves, and not let boneheaded ineptitude get in the way of a positive self-image. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) I don't like it: This thin Saturday paper makes my entry look fat. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) I won't see The Style Invitational any longer, since I do not read the Saturday paper. (Ken Glaser, Oakton, who won't be seeing this) I'll no longer feel so bad about throwing the rest of the paper away, since it's smaller. (Art Grinath) Alas! What a great loss there will be to learning Before the cycle of the moon is completed. Fire, great floods, by more ignorant rulers; How long the centuries until it is seen to be restored. -- Actual Nostradamus quote, obviously predicting the move of The Invitational to Saturdays (Peter Metrinko) Russian agents who have been hiding coded messages in their entries will need to alert Moscowof the change. Also, the blue geese will fly low in September. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Pro:I'll have an extra day to think of two or three more entries. Con:Russell Beland will have an extra day to think of two or three hundred more entries. (Michael Mason, Fairfax) Next Week: Tour de Fours, or STAR Wars ====================================================================== WEEK 732, published September 22, 2007 Week 732: The Chain Gang Mary Ann Madden, Mary Tyler Moore, Grant Tinker, Tinky-Winky, Jerry Falwell, Oral Roberts, Monica Lewinsky, Bill Clinton, Isis, King Tut, Steve Martin, Mary Martin, J.R. Ewing, Stella Dallas, Stanley Kowalski, Dr. Livingstone, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Richard Bach, W.A. Mozart, Figaro, Red Barber, Mel Allen, Gracie Mansion, New York, Mary Ann Madden. The above chain of 25 names, composed by Style Invitational Hall of Famer Chris Doyle, was the winning entry for an Invitational contest seven years ago. (That chain begins and ends with the name of the editor of the erstwhile New York Magazine Competition, the long-running inspiration for the rather less refined feature that currently looms before your eyeballs.) This week: Supply a chain of 25 names as in the example above-- they may be names of people, places, organizations, products, etc., but they must be names -- beginning and ending with "George W. Bush." As in the example, the links can be based on a connection with the names, or on some relationship between the two elements. The trick is to make the links clever, original and imaginative, but not impossibly obscure. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a half-dozen of the deluxe Sigmund Freud Head lollipop pictured here , donated (unsucked on) by Loser Mark Eckenwiler of Washington. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 1. Put "Week 732" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 20. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Roy Ashley. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by -- ta-da! -- Chris Doyle. Report From Week 728, in which we asked you to make up words containing, contiguously, the letters A, S, T and R, in any order. Most commonly submitted entry: "Astronut: Lisa Nowak." Best example of how not to tell a joke: "Astrograph: Autograph from a Houston Astro." 4. First-Rationalizer: Unofficial title of the White Housepress secretary. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) 3. E-fenestration: tossing out your old version of Windows.(Russell Beland, Springfield) 2. the winner of the dinosaur poop fossil:Retrash: To have a yard sale to get rid of all the junk you picked up at other people's yard sales. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) And the Winner Of the Inker Oughtacrats: People who have half a mind to solve all the world's problems with their brilliant ideas, one of these days . . . (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) The STRA-gglers Overstraightment: I am not gay. I never have been gay. The men I have sex with are not gay either. (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii) Dorkestra: A kazoo ensemble. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Drivertashk: A DUI test. "See, offisher, I can touch my noezh! Gimme another drivertashk, like balanshing on the light wine!" (Randy Lee, Burke) Arstistic: Able to make creative butt-pictures on the photocopier. (Stacey Kenkeremath, Alexandria) Reprocrastinate: Put off having children. (Dan and Suzanne Colilla, Pittsburgh) I-strain: What egotists give others. (Tom Witte) B'arstool: What's left after a grizzly sits in the woods. (Chris Doyle) Aversatile: Repelled by anything. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Starjones: A huge celestial body that loses two-thirds of its mass and disappears from "View." (Rick Wood, Falls Church) Understarved: Obese. (Kevin Dopart) E-tasr: The cyber equivalent of a poison-pen letter. (Patrick Mattimore, San Francisco) Brat's-Mitzvah: An opulent party thrown by over-indulgent parents. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Camper-trash: Those aspiring to become trailer-trash. (Dot Yufer) Dogastrophe: What the Atlanta Falconssuffered. (Dan Gordon, Arlington) Airsatz: What we breathe inside planes. (Chris Doyle) Tsartisfaction: What the Bolsheviks didn't get no of. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Earstool: Nasty wax buildup. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Tapperstance: Position on the throne marked by widely spread legs, noisy feet and, perhaps, crossed fingers. (Tom Savonick, Milford, N.J.) Bra-stapler: "Order this fine chastity belt in the next 30 minutes and receive, for no extra charge . . ." (Dot Yufer) Eweparts: What support ramparts. (Tom Witte) Fantastrick: A guy who's so skilled that he gets one on the house. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Flotsram: Your three previous computers that are still in your basement. (Dan Colilla) OnSartre: A navigation system that provides no route and sees no exit. (Ellen Raphaeli) Ickstras: Background freaks in a Fellini film. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Tarsupial: Roadkill possum. (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.; Tom Lacombe, Browntown, Va.) Pornstarch: Viagra. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Precrastination: Waiting till tomorrow to decide to put things off. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Teetertatarstan: A politically unstable Russian republic. (Chris Doyle) S-ration: The Army finally renames the MRE for what it tastes like. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Seat-sardine: The person on a plane between two fat guys. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Carstrati: Police on Segways. (Ellen Raphaeli) Starmina: A measurement of one's ability to stay in the news for months without doing anything remotely interesting. (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Strategicalifragilistic: The greatest plan you ever heard and this is how it goes . . . -- G.W.B., Washington (Russell Beland) Straddlesore : Said of a politician who grows weary of having to pander to every view. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) Ultra-sedate: Dead. (Kevin Dopart) Untrashy: What Britney ain't. (Tom Witte) And Last: Trashure: Style Invitational prizes. (Ellen Raphaeli) Next Week: Otherwordly Visions, or Reading Between the Lies ====================================================================== WEEK 733, published September 29, 2007 Week 733: Just Drop It, Okay? I-am-I Beach: The last resort spot for egotists. BS-ervation: A stupid platitude, like "It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game." After reading humorist Gene Weingarten's online chat on washingtonpost.com, in which the Empress wrote in about "jokes, humorous bservations, etc.," Indefatigable Loser Peter Metrinko was inspired to come up with this week's neologism contest. This week: Drop the first letter from an actual word or term to make a new word or term, and define it.Its use in a hilarious sentence is also welcome. The new word may not be a well-known existing word. This contest has enormous scope; it'll be very easy to come up with something or other. So edit yourself: Send no more than 25 entries. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the "No Plot? No Problem! Novel Writing Kit," a book-shaped box containing such keys to literary eminence as "Daily Noveling Briefs" as well as "motivational materials, pop-talking letters and commitment coupons." Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 8. Put "Week 733" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Prevar of Annapolis. Report From Week 729, in which we asked you to take a sentence from The Post and "translate" it into "plain English". A bunch of entries cited one or another verbose BS-ervation (see This Week's Contest) meant to assure the populace about progress in Iraq, security measures, etc., and translated it as "We're doomed." 4. (Job posting) The mission of the Office of the Chief Financial Officer (OCFO) is to enhance the financial stability, accountability and integrity of the Government of the District of Columbia. Plain English Version: Good morning, Mr. Phelps . . .(Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 3. "It was the one of the most different halves of football I've ever been around." PE: "It's too soon after the game for me to talk good again yet." (Russell Beland, Springfield) 2. the winner of the stationery made of Panda Poo paper: "Our overall evaluation is that real progress has been achieved," Jones told the senators, and then he qualified that judgment with words such as "uneven," "unsatisfactory," "overly sectarian" and "failed." PE: "After uneven, unsatisfactory and overly sectarian progress, our overall evaluation is that failure has been achieved." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker "If the kind of success we are now seeing continues, it will be possible to maintain the same level of security with fewer American forces," Bush said. PE: "Sure, maintaining the level of 'insanely dangerous' takes almost no troops at all." (Russ Taylor, Vienna) More To-the-Point Conversions Iraq Study Groupreport: "Good policy is difficult to make when information is systematically collected in a way that minimizes its discrepancy with policy goals." PE: "Bush cooks the books." (Kevin Dopart; Ned Stone, Atlanta) FREE RAZRPHONES! PE: EXPENSIVE SERVICE AGREEMENTS! (Ira Allen, Bethesda) "The economy was in strong condition going into the recent period of volatility, and while certain sectors like housing are undergoing a transition, overall economic fundamentals remain solid." PE: "The poo hasn't hit the fan -- yet." (Susan Shapiro, Annapolis) "And -- let's be honest here -- " PE: "And -- let me sugarcoat this a little less than usual -- " (Russell Beland) Larry has been seeing "Carrie" for five years, and I don't want to hurt Larry or our friendship. PE: You got any tips on how to McQuickie my friend's squeeze without getting caught? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) British regulators said yesterday that they are prepared to allow the creation of embryos that are part human and part animal for use in medical experiments. PE: Evolution has come to a spork in the road. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) "I certainly want to win the gold, and in Beijingalso." -- Chinese gymnastics coach Lu Shanzhen PE: "I certainly want to win the gold, and not die." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) "To the extent that we can move quickly to denuclearization, we can move quickly to normalization." PE: "This damn well better work." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Photos become property of The Washington Post, which may edit, publish, distribute or republish them in any form. PE: We can Photoshopyou right out of your skivvies. (Brendan Beary) Fred Thompson: "I know that reform is possible in Washington because I have seen it done." PE: "I've never actually managed to reform anything myself." (Russell Beland) "Seeks intelligent, civilized man, 60+ for lasting friendship." PE: "Is hopelessly delusional." (Kevin Dopart) PE: Granderson had a historic night with his 20th "date." (Kevin Dopart; Clifford Fishman, Rockville) Story about a toy recall: The items are small and "don't pose a lead poisoning risk in themselves." PE: They only pose a lead poisoning risk when in a child. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Sen. Mitch McConnell: "It is my hope [Larry Craig] will be remembered not for this but for his three decades of dedicated public service." PE: He will be remembered for three decades of public services. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Fill in the blank spaces in the grid so that every vertical column, every horizontal row and every 3x3 box contains the numbers 1 through 9, without repeating any. PE: Fill in the blank spaces until you realized you went wrong a long time ago, then swear and throw the damn thing away. (Brendan Beary) Entries may be edited for taste or content. PE: We are funnier and more sophisticated than you are. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Complete auto care starts with our $17.99 oil change. PE: For only $17.99, we'll tell you that you need new shocks, struts, brakes, exhaust system, valve cover gaskets, water pump, CV joints, wiper blades and, of course, tires. (Russ Taylor) Anti-Invitationals -- sugarcoated interpretations of actual plain speaking: FEMAstopped testing occupied trailers after March 2006, when it initially discovered formaldehyde levels that were 75 times the U.S.-recommended safety threshold for workplaces. PE: "We've found no additional evidence of elevated formaldehyde in the last 18 months," FEMA officials said. (Russ Taylor) The New York Timesand other newspapers vied with trash-TV talk shows hosted by the likes of CNN's Nancy Grace, a biased wacko-feminist, and MSNBC's Joe Scarborough, a right-wing blowhard, in a race to the journalistic bottom. PE: A robust exchange of ideas emerged from a diverse mix of media sources. (Russell Beland) Next Week: Time-Wastes for Everyman, or Even Trivialer Pursuits ====================================================================== WEEK 734, published October 6, 2007 Week 734: Turnaround Time It's known that any sapient guy Likes the line that panties supply. A couple of weeks back, the results of Week 728 marked the first Invitational ink for Edmund Conti of Raleigh, a longtime wordplay aficionado who says he had been "meaning to enter ever since the New York Magazine Competition shut down." (That was seven years ago, Ed. Glad you finally took the plunge.) Anyway, Ed has come up with a word game called Bananagrams, in which he writes a rhyming couplet containing two words that are anagrams of each other, and the reader has to figure out what those words are. A one-right-answer contest doesn't work for The Invitational, but that won't stop the Empress from exploiting it. This week: Write a rhyming coupletcontaining two words that are anagrams of each other. And don't make us guess what they are. The example above is by Washington Post Magazine humor columnist Gene Weingarten, opining on what is just about his favorite subject besides toilet fill. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a copy of Ed Conti's "Quiblets," a brand-new collection of terse verse, AND the inkworthily named "The Ed C. Scrolls," a little book of poems on more spiritual themes ("Concerned about the hereafter?Well, don't be.It will be there with joy and laughter.You won't be."). Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 15. Put "Week 734" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 730, in which -- reflecting on the online effort to compile definitions in limerick form (now past 44,000) for every word in the Oxford English Dictionary -- we asked for "activities that make entering The Style Invitational seem like a constructive use of one's time." A handful of Losers didn't notice the context and thought we wanted them to explain why entering The Invitational IS a constructive use of one's time, though 99 percent of the entrants took it as we meant it: to describe even bigger wastes of time than entering The Invite. Among the former group, 32-time Loser Lawrence McGuire of Waldorf swears that "a twenty-something thin blonde admirer" heard him called by his name in the local library, and almost came up to introduce herself, but shyly vanished before she summoned the courage. Ah, yes, that oh-so-troublesome Loser groupie problem. 4. Counting the stairs on the escalator. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 3. Becoming the world's leading authority on a person chosen at random from the Akron, Ohio, phone book. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 2. the winner of the Float'n Firefly toothbrush with the flashing red light:Writing letters to the editor about grammatical mistakes in the classified ads. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) And the Winner of the Inker Metrobus-spotting. (Anne Paris, Arlington) More From the Fritterati Playing Poor Man's Pac-Man: Type a row of periods, then hold down Backspace and watch that cursor gobble 'em all up. You win every time!(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Martin van Buren-bashing. (Randy Lee, Burke) Rotating the air in your tires. (Bill Spencer, Baltimore) Using a flight simulator program to visit all the airports in the world in alphabetical order by airport code. (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md., currently virtually en route from AAE [Les Salines airport, Algeria] to AAF [Apalachicola, Fla.]) Alphabetizing your days-of-the-week underwear. (Russell Beland) Counting the days since Christmas. (David Moss, Arlington) Filming a shot-by-shot re-creation of every episode of "The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour," using Pez dispensers for the performers. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Compiling the Klingon dictionary entirely in double-dactyl format. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Reenacting the Civil War draft riots. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Doing a study examining whether fingertip width is correlated with nostril size in the higher vertebrates. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Buying the Gonzales2012.com domain name. (Chuck Koelbel, Houston) Entering a 12-step program for dodecaphobia . (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Trying to pay for that item advertised for .99 cents with a penny. (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) Setting the Guinness recordfor time spent reading the Guinness Book of World Records. (Russell Beland) Swapping perfectly healthy kidneys with your identical twin. (Russell Beland) Drawing 500 tiny circles on a piece of paper, then saying "Pop" as you press each circle with your thumb. (Jay Shuck) Collecting a napkin from every restaurant you visit, but not labeling them. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Stopping the DVD, frame by frame, to verify that there really are 101 Dalmatians. (Russell Beland) Bootlegging audio recordings of "live" Britney Spearsconcerts. (Dan Colilla, Pittsburgh) Digging a canal across the narrow part of Oahu. (Russell Beland) Well, I'm actually pretty proud of the time I perfectly reconstructed, using wood glue and tweezers, a shattered pecan shell whose pieces were mixed with bits of other pecan shells, so I guess this doesn't qualify. (Michael Peck, Alexandria) Setting up a logbook in your bathroom to verify that the toilet bowl cleaner really works for 1,000 flushes. (Russell Beland) Cornrowing your eyebrows. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Finally learning how to program my Commodore 64 . (Randy Lee) Weighing yourself before and after restroom visits, and plotting the difference on a graph. (Martin Bancroft) Foreplay -- Kobe Bryant. (Kevin Dopart) Reading 10,000 fictional racehorse names and carefully evaluating each one based on humor and originality. (Jay Shuck) Next Week: Doo Process, or Hoot Cuisine ====================================================================== WEEK 735, published October 13, 2007 Week 735: Look Back in Inker This week marks the 200th column under the Empress's byline, or non-byline, or whatever, which gives us a reasonable excuse to give Losers another chance to enter this past year's contests all at once.(Last year we did this on our third anniversary, prompting a few people with their priorities out of whack to suggest that perhaps a week in mid-December was not the best period for immersing oneself, bathysphere-style, in the Style Invitational archives.) This week: Enter any Style Invitational contest from Week 680 through Week 731. Limit yourself to one entry per contest; the Empress refuses to look at 10,000 more international team names. You may refer to events that have occurred since the contest was printed (except the obituary poems; they should still be for people who died in 2006). For contests that ask you to use The Post from a certain day or week, use today's or this week's. Very long, space-consuming entries are less likely to draw ink, though we wouldn't mind running, say, one hilarious photo or astonishingly clever song parody. You can find all 52 contests (and more!) online at http:www.washingtonpost.comstyleinvitational. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a box of Hi-Ener-G Horny Goat Weed, which is labeled "Natural Aphrodisiac" but doesn't seem to include an 800 number for complaints, AND some Yang Herbal Tonic horny-goat-weed tea, both courtesy of Peter Metrinko of Chantilly in honor of his new Daughter No. 3 (she just arrived from China, we mean). Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 22. Put "Week 735" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest was submitted by both Larry Yungk and Russell Beland. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte. Report From Week 731, in which we asked for ridiculously inefficient ways to prepare food or drink: 4. Spinach: Compete for tall, anorexic supermodel, but get brutishly pummeled by another suitor. When you've had all you can stands and you can't stands no more, suddenly find can of spinach, squeeze till iron-filled veggies fly directly into mouth. (Randy Lee, Burke) 3. Buffalo wings: First, study advanced genetics. Next, splice haploid strings of . . . (Russell Beland, Springfield) 2. the winner of the gospel-singing lamb:Orange juice: Become world-famous, fascinating and dangerous by writing a novel that provokes an ayatollah to proclaim a fatwa against you. Serially marry and divorce until you manage to engage the attraction and affections of a supermodelcooking show host. Marry her. Before you divorce her, have her slice six oranges in half, squeeze out the juice and serve it to you in a chilled glass. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) And the Winner of the Inker Boston Baked Beans: Take one thin cow to Boston. Trade cow for three magic beans. Throw beans out window. Next morning find enormous beanstalk; climb. At top grab goose that lays golden eggs; descend. Say, "Lay, goose, lay" to goose. Collect egg, sell to goldsmith. Use money to buy Viking six-burner range and can of B&M baked beans. Place contents of can in saucepan; heat and serve. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Gourmaybes PB&J sandwich: Spread the floor with jelly and the ceiling with peanut butter. Stick slices of bread to the peanut butter on the ceiling, then stand back and watch patiently. Eventually the bread slices will start to fall, some straight down but others flipping over in transit. When finally two slices land peanut butter side down on the jelly-covered floor, pick 'em up, put 'em together and you have a sandwich. (Nicholas D. Rosen, Arlington) To steam Brussels sprouts, buy several yards of netting and coordinating ribbon at your local craft store. Create a small net for each sprout -- about eight little nets per person -- and hang them from the shower curtain rod while taking a shower. For enhanced flavor, use lemon-scented soap; use slightly larger nets and a longer shower for broccoli crowns. (Elizabeth J. Molyé, Vienna) Chicken-fried steak: Once you've taught your chicken to use a spatula . . . (Russell Beland) Pheasant under glass: Rinse and pat dry an 8-to-10-lb. pheasant; meanwhile, heat 20 lb. sand to 2100 F . . . (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Hot dogs: Circumcise the hog genitalia before grinding it into filler. (Jon Milstein, Falls Church) Walk around town eating from an open jar of peanut butter. Arrange to bump into someone eating chocolate. Get his chocolate in your peanut butter, and get your peanut butter on his chocolate. Sample the results and nod with satisfaction. Then the two of you walk around trying to bump into someone who has orange wrappers and a national distribution network . . . (Brendan Beary) Sweet potato pie: Just have yo mama sit on a sack o' sweet potatoes. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) The best waffles are made from scratch. I mean literally: Patients from the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Center hand-carve the squares and stack them perfectly on your plate. The syrup doesn't touch your bacon, either. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Pancakes: Obtain several tigers. Take off your clothes and give one article of clothing to each tiger. This will cause them to fight over the clothes and chase one another around a tree until they turn into butter. Apply butter to a heated frying pan . . . (Michael Fransella, Arlington) Pineapple upside-down cake: For mixing the batter, we recommend hanging from your ankles from a ceiling fan, holding two spoons. Beat two minutes on medium, then three minutes on high . . . (Meghan Colosimo, Newark, Del.) Junior High Jello: Obtain legs of a dead horse; reserve meaty haunches. Stew legs, removing shoes and skimming off solid matter, until fully dissolved. Add sugar and cold fruit juice to taste. Chill. Provides 450 servings, to go with the sloppy joes from the reserved meat. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Water: From one Middle Eastern emirate, extract one cup of petroleum. Using an ordinary petrochemical plant, separate and re-form into polyethylene terephthalate. Blow mold into cylindrical container shape. Fill with water and seal. Next, using fibers from harvested trees, form a rectangular piece of paper approximately 8.0 by 2.5 inches. Print logo and affix to bottle. Bundle with 23 additional containers, place onto a cardboard tray and wrap with plastic. Load onto truck and transport to supermarket. Purchase, transport to residence and refrigerate. When thirsty, remove one container and unseal. Serves one. (Dan Klein, McLean) Get Mars Bars for dessert by going to . . . nah, that's too stupid even for this contest. Well, at least I didn't suggest Milky Ways. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Next Week: The Chain Gang, or The Appellation Trail ====================================================================== WEEK 736, published October 20, 2007 Week 736: So, Should I Drive Like Your Brother? It's just not worth it anymore to get my '84 Escort fixed, you know? So will filling it with barbiturates and applesauce work, the way it did for Grandpa? For those of us of the Loser mind-set, the sweetest sound to be heard on Earth is that of someone laughing heartily at your jokes. And on several recent occasions, some Losers and their loved ones, caretakers, etc., were sent into paroxysms of ecstasy upon turning on the radio and hearing professional hearty-laughers and auto experts Tom and Ray Magliozzi reading Style Invitational entries on their NPR show, "Car Talk," appropriately cackling andor guffawing at each. Let's make it even easier for Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers: Ask a car-related question that would make the Car Guys crack up. If you're not into cars, you can also post a question for advice columnist Ask Amy or etiquette columnist Miss Manners, though we cannot guarantee that Miss Manners will do the aforementioned cracking. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a container of Anti Monkey Butt Powder, donated by Loser Andrew Hoenig, who, as far has we can tell, has not used any of this package on his own red, swollen heinie. Or even that it is red and swollen -- he didn't send a picture or anything. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 29. Put "Week 736" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest and this week's Honorable Mentions name are by Tom Witte. The idea for this week's contest is from Russell Beland. Report From Week 732, in which we asked for chains of 25 names, each name related in some way to the one before it, beginning and ending with George W. Bush. The Empress read 519 of these; we will favor you with fewer, and in most cases just the juiciest parts. 5.. . . Molly Pitcher, Nolan Ryan, the KKK, David Duke, Mike Krzyzewski, Carlos Boozer, A.A. Milne, Christopher Robin, Batman, Lestat de Lioncourt, Anne Rice, Condoleezza Rice, George W. Bush. (Chris Doyle, traveling in Tokyo) 4.. . . Alvin & the Chipmunks, Dave Saville, "The Barber of Seville," Beverly Sills, Beverly Hills, "The Beverly Hillbillies," Jethro Bodine, George W. Bush. (Robert Elwood, Bushwood, Md.) 3. George W. Bush, Bush's Baked Beans, Washington Gas, Gazprom, Putin, Stalin, Larry Craig, Idaho, Sen. David Vitter, Sen. Mary Landrieu, Moon Landrieu, MoonPie, "Brownie," "Turd Blossom," "Scooter," Libby's canned fruit, Mark Foley. . . (Larry Yungk, Arlington) 2. the winner of the half-dozen Sigmund Freud Head lollipops: George W. Bush, Karl Rove, Valerie Plame, Scooter Libby, Pinocchio, Cyrano de Bergerac, Roxanne, Sting, Bea Arthur, Betty White, Barry White, Isaac Hayes, Chef, Rachael Ray, Martha Stewart, Ken Lay, Barbie, Skipper, Ginger, Geri Halliwell, Victoria Beckham, David Beckham, Zinedine Zidane, Butthead, George W. Bush. (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) And the Winner of the Inker George W. Bush, Jenna Bush, the Jena 6, James VI, Stuart Little, Mr. Big, God, Chuck Norris, Chuck Taylors, Keds, K-Fed, Britney Spears, William the Conqueror, Norman Mailer, Neil Postman, Will Wright, SimCity, Phil Simms, Disney World, Orlando Bloom, Legolas, Jenna Elfman, the Dharma Initiative, "Lost," George W. Bush. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis) The Second Strings George W. Bush, Iraq, the Sunni Triangle, the Pythagorean Theorem, Grecian Formula, Ronald Reagan, Bonzo, Cheetah, Gary Condit. . . the Wizard of Id, Sigmund Freud. . . (Russell Beland, Springfield) . . . Carrie Bradshaw, Manolo Blahnik, Norman Hsu, Hillary Clinton. . . (Randy Lee, Burke) . . . Clark Kent, Dean Cain, Nod, Wink Martindale, Bob Barker, "Truth or Consequences," Martha Stewart, Martha's Vineyard, Dionysius, Jim Backus, Thurston J. Howell III . . . (Deanna Busick, Knoxville, Tenn.) George W. Bush, George Washington Carver, Goober, Andy Griffith, Ron Howard, the Fonz, Ling-Ling, Chairman Mao, Fidel Castro, Washington Senators, Walter Johnson, Bob Feller, Bob Newhart, Christiaan Barnard . . . (Jim Ward, Manassas) . . . Stonewall Jackson, John F. Kennedy Jr., Aristotle Onassis, Plato's "Republic," the Republican Party, "The Elephant Man," John Hurt, Lorena Bobbitt . . . (Russell Beland) George W. Bush, Nicholas II, Rasputin, Art Monk, the Artful Dodger, Tony Snow, Snow White, Dopey, Rush Limbaugh, the Goodyear Blimp, the Hindenburg, "Great Balls of Fire," Bill Clinton. . . (Jack Dean, Clinton) George W. Bush, George Lucas, "Attack of the Clones," Dolly, Dolly, Dolly, Dolly . . . (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) George W. Bush, Al Gore, Tipper, Tippecanoe, Liv Tyler, Aerosmith, "Walk This Way," Marty Feldman, "Beau Geste," Bo Derek, the Dominos, Gen. Westmoreland, the LouisianaPurchase, Napoleon Dynamite, Alfred Nobel. . . (Russell Beland) George W. Bush, Twiggy, Tommy Tune, Thomas Paine, Clay Aiken, Harry Potter. . . (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) . . . George Clooney, George Meany, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) . . . Virgin Atlantic, Madonna, Jesus, Bethlehem Steel, the Steelers, the Pirates, Johnny Depp, "Edward Scissorhands," ChicagoCutlery, O'Hare Airport, Bugs Bunny, Doc, Snow White, Vail, Modern Bride, Princess Diana, Prince Charles, Royal Air Force, Texas Air National Guard, George W. Bush. (Chuck Koelbel, Houston) . . . Ho Chi Minh, Minnie the Moocher, Cab Calloway, Shelley Hack, Robitussin. . . (Sandra Hull, Arlington) . . . Baron von Trapp, Christopher Plummer, G. Gordon Liddy, Howard Hunt, Holly Hunter, Catfish Hunter, Edmund Muskie, Hubert Humphrey, Humphrey Bogart, Sam Spade, Andy Card, George W. Bush. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) . . . James Galway, Doug Flutie, Brian Piccolo, James Caan, Sonny Corleone, Fredo, Alberto Gonzales, George W. Bush. (Brendan Beary) . . "Moby-Dick," Moby, "Play," Playtex, Crawford Ranch, George W. Bush .(Russ Taylor, Vienna) . . . Michael Moore, Dinty Moore, Stewie Griffin, Homer Simpson, Barry Bonds, Asterix, Tintin, Tin Man, "A Horse With No Name," My Little Pony, "My Pet Goat," George W. Bush. (Randall Kunkel, Spotsylvania, Va.) . . . Neverland Ranch, Macaulay Culkin, No Child Left Behind Act, George W. Bush. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) . . . Rudy Giuliani, Manhattan, Mariel Hemingway, "To Have and Have Not," Donald Rumsfeld, George W. Bush. (Kevin Dopart) . . . Gordon Ramsay, "Hell's Kitchen," Adolph's Tenderizer, Eva Braun . . . (Chris Doyle) . . . the Beatles, the Byrds, Alfred Hitchcock, "Dial M for Murder," Bette Midler, Pete Rose, the Reds, Joseph McCarthy, Charlie McCarthy, Edgar Bergen, Candice Bergen, Dan Quayle, George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) . . . Mr. Peepers, Wally Cox, Wally Schirra, John Glenn, John Fogerty, "Fortunate Son," George W. Bush. (Randy Lee) . . . Frank Stella, Stanley Kowalski, Marlon Brando, Land O'LakesButter, Linda Richman . . . Bill Cosby, "I Spy," George W. Bush. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) . . . Operation Iraqi Freedom, Arlington National Cemetery, taps, Larry Craig . . . (Kevin Dopart) . . . Captain Ahab, Starbuck, Chock Full o' Nuts, Kim Jong Il, Seoul, James Brown. . . (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) . . . Joan Lunden, Dennis Frantz, BVDs . . . (Sandra Hull) . . . "Cheers," Ted Danson, "Three Men and a Baby," Anna Nicole Smith. . . (Kevin Dopart) . . . Grace Slick, Exxon Valdez, EPA, FEMA, Hurricane Katrina, the Big Easy, Monica Lewinsky. . . (Russell Beland) . . . Eddie Murphy, Gumby, Joe Theismann. . . (Randy Lee) Next Week: Just Drop It, Okay? or And the Next Shall Be First ====================================================================== WEEK 737, published October 27, 2007 Week 737: No River, No Woods So it's Oct. 27 -- and you've already heard a Christmas carol this year, right? Aside from the marketing tie-ins, a major reason for the premature delivery of "The First Noel" to elevator speakers is that there are hardly any good songs for the holidays that occur during the rest of the year. Fast-Track Loser Kevin Dopart suggests we come to the rescue: This week: Send us a funny parody of a well-known song, with lyrics that commemorate an occasion other than Christmas or Hanukkah. The results will appear on Thanksgiving weekend. Ye winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a set of large Slang Flashcards, which helpfully define and illustrate such terms as "crunk" and "tap": Sample sentence: "What say we take some crunk pictures when we tap tonight?" You'll be speaking slang in no time with these helpful aids. Donated by crunk Loser 4 Ever Elden Carnahan of Laurel. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 5. Put "Week 737" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by David Smith of Santa Cruz, Calif.; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Anne Paris of Arlington. Report From Week 733, in which we asked you to create a word by dropping the first letter of an existing word, and then supply a definition. Submitted frequently among the 4,000 entries were "rankfurter" (hot dog from the back of the refrigerator), "pectacular" (unbelievably chesty), "Assachusetts" (where Ted Kennedycomes from, etc.) and Hardonnay (you can guess). 4.Ouchdown: Joe Theismann's last play. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) 3. Mnesia: Forgetting a mnemonic device. (Jack Held, Fairfax) 2. the winner of the No Plot? No Problem! Novel Writing Kit: Riskies: Chinese-made cat food. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And the Winner of the Inker Riminal: A man who doesn't clean up his toilet dribble. (Deanna Busick, Knoxville, Tenn.) Lose, but No Cigar Amburger: my realization about myself as I'm kidnapped by cannibals.(Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Amished: Hungering for a simpler way of life. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Ammogram: A loaded message. (Dianne Thomas, Fairfax) Aspberries: Snake doots. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Assover: Any holiday dinner at which an unwanted in-law makes an appearance. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Atheter: An even worth medical applianth. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Bacus: A simple device to count the number of alcoholic beverages consumed by your designated driver (Jeffrey Scharf, Burke) Bracadabra: A really good boob job. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Brupt: Really, really sudden. (Fil Feit, Annandale) Egotiation: An I for an I. (Chris Doyle, sent from Hong Kong) Eminar: Eminem's fifth child. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Ental breakdown: When Fangorn starts crazily shedding all his leaves and losing his bark. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Etard: A person who constantly replies to all in e-mails directed to only one person. (Jeffrey Scharf) Gonize: To kick someone in the groin. "I'd like to gonize the idiot who moved the Invitational to Saturday." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Hick-Fil-A: A squirrel that tried to cross the road. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Ho's Who: National registry of prominent hookers. (Chris Doyle) Iarrhea: Running on about oneself. (Jack Held) Ickled: How you feel when your creepy uncle touches you with his fingertips. (Carson Miller, Newark, Del.) Ickpocket: A place to put your used Kleenex. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Idwife: Every guy's dream. (Kevin Dopart) Irates: After 15 consecutive losing seasons, what's left of Pittsburgh's fans. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Itchhiking: Chasing a tingle from toes to tushy. (Susan Collins, Charlottesville) Kin-diving: Incest. (Tom Witte) Ngland: Vietnam. (Michael Fransella, Arlington) Nowplow: An entirely fictitious device for D.C. residents. (Brendan Beary) Ococo: Chanel's frilly style before she came out with the simple black dress. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Omenclature: The Homeland Security threat-level warning system. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) Ompadre: A Buddhist monk. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Onagenarian: An old hand at stress relief. (George Vary, Bethesda) Ooperstown: Home of the Bill Buckner Hall of Fame. (Ed Gordon, Deerfield Beach, Fla.) Oreplay: Laying the groundwork for entering the mineshaft. (Chris Doyle; Tom Witte) Orgy-and-Bess: The Secret Truman Memoirs. (Chris Doyle) Ouch-and-go: A dominatrix's house call. (Kevin Dopart) Oxtrot: A particularly ungraceful "Dancing With the Stars" performance. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) P-portunity: Rest stop. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Rackdown: the inevitable result of the battle between breast and gravity. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Ubergine: An enormous eggplant. (Ken April, Arlington) Unich: German city voted World's Safest Town for Women. (Jeff Brechlin) Urotrash: Cigarette butts used for target practice in the men's room. (Brendan Beary) Urple: The color of vomit. "For feeding the baby, Mom always wore her urple sweatshirt." (Chuck Koelbel, Houston) XY-moron: A man. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Anti-Invitational (add a letter to the front of a word):Shysterectomy: Disbarment. (Peter Metrinko) And Last: NV-itational: A contest that seeks to frustrate by accepting entries from thousands but rewarding only a small group of toadying favorites who obviously have nothing better to do with their time. I don't want your stupid prize anyway. It looks stupid. (Peter Ostrander, Rockville) Next Week: Turnaround Time, or Total Inanity Lives! ====================================================================== WEEK 738, published November 3, 2007 Week 738: So What's to Liken? 1. A piranha 2. Lindsay Lohan's handbag 3. A "great introductory rate" 4. The next three presidential debates 5. A Hawaiian Punch martini 6. An Xbox 360 7. The National Christmas Tree 8. Womanly knuckles 9. Cupholders on a Ferrari 10. "American Gothic" 11. An annotated copy of Lynne Cheney's "Blue Skies, No Fences" 12. Singing in the rain 13. An anesthesiologist's cat 14. The peaks of Mount Whitney 15. Broccoli skin cream Here's a perennial contest that never fails us, no matter how bizarre the material the Losers are given to work with. In fact, after reading the results, readers over the years have written in to insist that the contest elements must have been set up to engineer the winning wordplay. This week:Take any two items from the utterly random list above and explain how they are different or how they are similar. How utterly random? The Empress contacted 15 people and asked them each to contribute one item to the list above; none of them saw any of the other items. Okay? Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Gummy Tapeworm AND a tin of bacon-flavored toothpicks, both courtesy of the ever-courteous Russell Beland of Springfield, who has taken to writing a critique of the Invitational every Monday on the Losers' own Web site, at http:www.gopherdrool.comtww ("her track record on judging, picking, and most especially editing, song lyrics tends toward the terrible"). Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 12. Put "Week 738" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart of Washington. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. Report from Week 734, in which we asked you to provide rhyming couplets containing two words that were anagrams of each other. While such online tools as Anagram Genius have rendered useless any further contests just to create anagrams, even for entire sentences and paragraphs, they still can't write poems like these. Some very clever entries this week contained anagrams of two-word phrases or names, but not of single words. The best was from Andy Bassett of New Plymouth, New Zealand: "AXL ROSE, an anagram for some specific acts:Your mouth's agape? Don't worry, I won't say it, SO RELAX." 5. A baby quickly locates(it's his biz) The place on Mommy where the lactose is. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 4.If the spirit is willing, but the flesh hangs in doubt, Those pills on the shelf will straighten things out.(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) 3. "Diet"and "edit," a perfect pair, that: Anagrams both meaning "cut out the fat." (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 2. the winner of two light-verse collections by New Loser Ed Conti, "Quiblets" and "The Ed C. Scrolls": His 95 Theses made Luther the man, But the church wasn't pleased and the sheets hit the fan. (Chris Doyle, sent from Bangkok) And the Winner of the Inker The pope's stopped cussing audiences out with spontaneity; In Italy,he's learned, that ain't no way to treat a laity. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Couplets Put Close My spouse considered me deranged because of all I'd gardened. We're now estranged, and sad to say, my heart and soil have hardened. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) The state of progress in Iraq, admittedly, is varyin' With how you choose to ascertain which killings are sectarian. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) When a royal sheik hikes the price of crude, The rest of us are royally scrude. (Peter Metrinko) At every bordello I've been to (don't ask me what for), There's nary a doorbell, but wow, they have knockers galore! (Brendan Beary) Ann Coulter needs a strong reproach; her Wacko rantings scream for cloture. (Chris Doyle) Unless I cut my movie, they threaten to X-rate: They say a certain extra seems to stand out much too straight. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Your admirer charms you with topics so varied. Too bad he won't mention that he's also married. (Anne Paris, Arlington) If you rail against a liar, Pray your own pants don't catch fire. (David Moss, Arlington) What happens from taking the steroidcalled "clear": You bring a sad end to a storied career. (Rob Caskey, Fairfax Station) Gone are the sounds of young children's rattles: The starlet has lost her custody battles. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) JFK strove(though to note this seems callous) To attract the attention of voters in Dallas. (J.J. Gertler, Alexandria) I wandered lonely as a cloud. . . Could be because I'm gross and loud. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Carelessness, calumnies, cursing at waits: These are a few of my masculine traits . . . (Brendan Beary) On a cruise around Hellenic ports I knew not how to feel When I went below the deck and spied the captain in chenille. (Brendan Beary) Not even a vat of minty-fresh Retsin Could freshen the mouth you insert cigarettes in. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Don't despair over diapers, guys: You'll be amazed How, by changing a few, any man'll get praised. (Chris Doyle) "Get out of here, and don't come back!" her fuming father ranted; Her ardents wain, despite the rain, took to the road de-panted. (Beverley Sharp) I felt so nervous when I went onstage to start my act, I unloaded all the contents of my duodenal tract. (Brendan Beary) The D.C. life is really fun, with things to do aplenty. High taxes are the penalty (complain to Mr. Fenty). (Beverley Sharp) Divorce makes women rummage through the debris of their lives And wonder why they took the step to change from brides to wives. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand, where they pronounce it DEB-ry.) Iran has not a single day Of rain or clouds, nor any gay. -- M. Ahmadinejad (Chris Doyle, sent from Siem Reap, Cambodia) How sparse is one between the ears Who parses dirt on Britney Spears? (Chris Doyle) I am daily repaid by my loving child By a diaper in which his poop is piled. (Kelly Esposito, Frederick) She kissed him in earnest, she called him her dearest. But the fact of the matter was he was the nearest. (Mae Scanlan) New data may give George Bush renewed urges To constantly tell us how dandy the surge is. (Deanna Busick, Knoxville, Tenn.) You should really see your doctor; a prescription's of the essence If gelatin approximates your genital tumescence. (Brendan Beary) In Olympic doubles luge, the rumors aren't true: Oh, no, they don't hold on like THAT! (But sometimes they use glue.)(Kevin Dopart, Washington) As A-Rod and his slugger teammates fade into the night, The gurgles of their sinking ship announce Joe Torre's flight. (Bill Spencer, Baltimore) The negligeed lady was hurt when ignored And the young men redoing her kitchen looked bored. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) A rogue plastic surgeon was jailed among felons, Unlicensed, he changed women's lemons to melons. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) And Last: Dear Empress: Read this verse, don't yap! You pay me zip, I serve you crap. (Chris Doyle) Next Week: Look Back in Inker, or A Trip Down Memory Lame ====================================================================== WEEK 739, published November 10, 2007 Week 739: Lies, All Lies Dan Quayle was second runner-up in the 1959 Greater Indianapolis Spelling Bee. So many candidates, so little scandal! Instead of chasing the trail of White House-hired burglars, political reporters have been reduced this year to spinning out stop-the-presses controversy stories over John Edwards's haircut and Hillary Clinton's millimeter of cleavage. Beyond the campaign, to be sure, the Invitational has profited handsomely from one person's tragic men's room misadventure (see numerous examples below). But it's time for some new revelations, suggests Emerging Loser Chuck Koelbel of Houston. And if these politicians won't furnish them, we'll have to make them up ourselves. This week: Give us some humorous fictional revelation about a current or past political figure. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a presumably somewhat old "Politics Is a Drag" refrigerator magnet set featuring Bill Clinton's head on a youthful undressed body (nuhnuhno! We mean there's this undressed male body with Bill Clinton's head Photoshopped onto it. You people!) along with a variety of dresses, high heels, handbags and frilly hats. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 19. Put "Week 739" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russell Beland. Report From Week 735, in which we invited you to enter any Invitational contest from Week 681 to Week 731, but were restricted to only one entry per contest. Not surprisingly, it was mostly the maniacally obsessive Invitationalists who methodically perused these old contests and sent in entries for dozens of them. 4. Week 684: Spell a word backward and define the result: S.T. Eliot: A poet known for his scatological humor (e.g., "Let us go now, you and I, but not standing right next to each other") (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 3. Week 724: Brief verses summing up books, plays or movies: "The Canterbury Tales": Whan that Aprill with rain makes England mossy, 'Tis good to make a road trip with one's posse. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 2. the winner of the horny-goat-weed tonic and tea: Week 688: Six-word stories: "Goodbye, John. I believe the dog." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) And the Winner of the Inker Week 707: Write something using only words used in "The Cat in the Hat": I sat on the pot. I gave that man a bump -- kind of little kicks -- and then bent to show my hand. He said I looked for bad tricks. In my fear I said yes so that they would tell nothing and my mother would not know. Now I stand in shame. But I did not want to hook up! I do not do you-know-what! Man, I wish I had gone at home. -- L. Craig, Washington (Anne Paris, Arlington) A Long List of Priors 684: Spell a word backward and define the result: Frawd: A man with elevator shoes. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 686: Things to be thankful for: Be thankful people don't have tails, or you'd have to wag every time the boss walked in. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) 688: Six-word stories: "Hear tell you're the fastest gunsli -- " (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) I've never had a fourth date. (Tom Witte) 691: New clues for a filled-in crossword puzzle we supplied: AUDI: _____ doody, the pile of scrap left after a crash on the Autobahn. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 698: Job interview questions: From the applicant: "So what would you say if I told you my 'green card' has a picture of President Franklin on it?" (Russell Beland) From the applicant: "So on my time card, would March Madness count as sick leave or religious observance?" (Howard Walderman, Columbia) 700: Presidential candidates' slogans: Jeb Bush: Mom Says I Get to Go Next (Mike Cisneros, Centreville) 702: Unreal facts: The spoon and the fork were both adaptations of the previously invented spork. (Russell Beland) In addition to fear, dogs can also smell unresolved control issues with your mother. (Brendan Beary) A camel can actually pass through the eye of a needle when cut into 2.4 billion individual pieces. (Doug Pinkham, Oakton) 704: Celebrity license plates: Larry Craig: TRAPRJON (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) Larry Craig: FOOTLOOS (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) 705: Analogies: Jim's prospects were bleak, like a Miss America contestant whose talent was gangsta rap. (Brendan Beary) 708: "Breed" two Triple Crown-eligible horses and name their offspring: Giant Sequoia x Deliberately = Tree to Get Ready (Brendan Beary) Seeking Affairs + Take It All Back = Senator Larry (Laurel Gainor, Great Falls) Saint Paul + Seeking Affairs = EpistleInHisPocket (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 710: A photo featuring household gadgets: "Good night, Mr. and Mrs., Mrs., Mrs. and Mrs. Warren Jeffs." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 712: "Breed" two of the horses named in Week 708: Creme de Meth + Popular Mechanics = Plumber's Crack (D.L. Williams, Bethesda) Wyatt AARP + Orion's Belt = Old Man Quiver (Roy Ashley, Washington) 714: Company "mergers": Halliburton merges with Blackwater to form Allied Casualty. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) 719: International sports team names: The Barlow (Canada) Underachievers (Russell Beland) 723: Cocktails: The Kerrigan: Nehi and club soda on ice. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) 724: Brief verses summing up books, plays or movies: The Crying Game: Kill a soldier, woo his girl -- it really isn't cricket. He bowls the maiden over, and then finds her middle wicket (Andy Bassett, Picton, New Zealand) 727: The effects of moving The Style Invitational to Saturdays: What had been a friendly rivalry between Bob Staake and Richard Thompson degenerates into a downward spiral of betrayal, revenge and death. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring) 729: Sentences in The Post translated into "plain English": Original: "Isn't it better to tell you what I really believe than to change my positions to fit the prevailing winds?" Plain English: In the latest poll, 53 percent listed "sincerity" as "very important." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 730: Ways to waste time: Walking the length of the Great Wall of China while singing "99 Billion Bottles of Beer on the Wall." (Drew Bennett, traveling in Beijing) Primaries. -- H.R. Clinton (Kevin Dopart) 731: Ridiculous food preparation methods: Freeze slices of pimiento with liquid nitrogen, load them into bullet casings, and use them to shoot the pits out of green olives. (Eric Murphy) Read more Honorable Mentions. More Honorable Mentions from Week 735 of The Style Invitational, which invited readers to enter (or reenter) any or all contests from Week 681 to Week 731: Week 683: String together words from "Hamlet" to create a new passage: "Before you, sir: Paris. Take heed of that wanton flash. No under-where! Heavens, she hath shown me her privates! O what a piece of work. This woman is a tragical-comical treasure!" "So the lady be no lady. That be news?" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 692: Enter Week 640 through Week 688 ( Entry for Week 662, humiliate yourself for ink): I am the very model of a Loser who is pitiful. I send the Empress entries that seem clever and quite wittiful. She just rejects them -- one, two, three -- it makes me feel so dull, in fact, To enter this week's contest is undignified, a stupid act. . . . And still I beg, and grovel and would kiss the royal Empress rump To even get an HM that would end my endless inkless slump. In short, I beg the Empress to declare my work adorable, I am the very model of a Loser who's deplorable. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) 693: A fanciful sequel to a well-known movie: "Brokeback II: The Foot Fetishists": Two men find out the hard way that some people are just lick-toes intolerant. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) 694: A gloomy interpretation of an ungloomy piece of writing: "The Runaway Bunny" by Margaret Wise Brown: You can run, little bunny, but you can never hide, because your mother is going to HUNT YOU DOWN. (Anne Paris, Arlington) 696: "Joint legislation" by incoming congressional freshmen: The Cardin-Casey-Sires Act: Resolution to promote Father's Day preparedness. (Russell Beland) 705: Analogies: Bob was sweating like a colander with some sort of perspiration disorder. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) 706: A question that a sentence in that week's Post could answer: A: Shooters have awful, obscene names that involve body parts and sex acts that cannot be printed in a family newspaper. Q: Why does The Washington Post identify [Richard] Cheney only as "the vice president"? (Kevin Dopart) 712: "Breed" two of the horses named in Week 708: Post Dock + We'llKeepOrionYou = Pier Review (Chris Doyle) Halitosis + Savior Breath = SacraMentos (Kevin Dopart) 717: Googlenopes, phrases heretofore not on Google: "Tehran Judy Garland Fan Club" (Kevin Dopart) 722: "Jeopardy"-style "questions" for 12 Googlenope phrases: A: Museum of Suburban Culture Q: Whose centerpiece is the fabled Ark of the Homeowner's Covenant? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 724: Brief verses summing up books, plays or movies: A girl has got to earn a dollar: It's the plot of "Secretary," where The worker's pink is not the collar But the color of her derriere. (Ira Allen) "Shall We Dance?": Commie Ginger Rogers flew the coop from nasty SMERSH when/Fred Astaire taught roller skating, set to tunes by Gershwin. (Randy Lee, Burke) 730: Ways to waste time: Organizing a petition drive to have "It's a Small World" added to Rolling Stone's Greatest Songs of All Time list. (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) Next Week: So, Should I Drive Like Your Brother? or Car and Drivel ====================================================================== WEEK 740, published November 17, 2007 Week 740: Give Us a Hint There's often a huge difference between Being Smart, in the academic sense, and Having the Slightest Clue, in the real-world sense, especially when it comes to understanding what we don't want to know. This week: Offer clues in various situations that something isn't working out well. A marriage proposal, college application, campaigning for public office, dental exam, anything you like. It shouldn't be an example of someone blowing his chances; it's about being told you've blown them. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a battery-operated mini-fan whose blades have electronic chips in them to produce lighted letters. You can program it to display the words of your choice in bright red, perfectly clear letters as the fan goes around. And thanks to its donor, Kevin Dopart of Washington, it's already programmed to say: HEY LOSER!/AN INVITE FAN/ IS BETTER THAN AN INKER. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 26. Put "Week 740" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 15. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Russell Beland. The revised title for next week's contest is by Beverley Sharp of Washington. This week's Honorable Mentions name was submitted by both Tom Witte and Roy Ashley. Report From Week 736, in which we asked you to come up with automotive questions likely to make NPR's Car Guys crack up, and maybe read them on the air (we also let you ask questions of Miss Manners and Ask Amy). A vast fleet of Losers wondered if there wasn't some scam in this "tire rotation" thing, since the tires seemed to be rotating fine by themselves. And many Ford Escort owners were puzzled by the friendly but ineffective "Escort service" they received when they called that number in the sports section. 4. My son just got his license and wants a V-8 Mustang. I'm afraid he'll drive too fast, trying to impress girls. Should we have him neutered first? (Russ Taylor, Vienna) 3. My 1999 Ford Taurus doesn't run properly at night. See, I drive a lot for my job, and from 8:30 a.m. until 5, the car runs fine. But then I park it outside a tavern at 5:30, and when I come out a few hours later, it's dark and my car veers all over the road. Please help. (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) 2. winner of the Anti Monkey Butt Powder: When I drive into a parking lot and set my car on "Park," it just sits there, even if there are several empty places very close by. What am I doing wrong? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the Winner of the Inker When I get my 2004 Mustang up to about 85 miles an hour, I hear a high-pitched whining off to my right that persists until I wind down to 60. What can I do to shut her up? (Chris Rollins) Not Firing on All Cylinders I plan to drive to the top of Pikes Peak this summer. Is there a training regimen I can put my car through so it'll be prepared for the altitude? (Howard Walderman, Columbia) I have one of those "I am proud of my honor roll student" bumper stickers on my 2005 Caravan, but my son has just informed me that he will be getting a C in history this quarter. My wife has suggested selling the van, while I prefer to park it in the garage and drive a rental until our son regains his honor roll status. We welcome your opinion in this matter. (Chris Rollins) How do I mount my .50-caliber machine gun on top of my Hummer so that my CD player doesn't skip when I shoot? (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Yeah, I've got a 12-cylinder Lamborghini Murcielago. The LP640, with the 6496cc engine with the 88mm x 89mm bore and stroke and the 11.0:1 compression ratio. You know, the one with the 272-mm clutch. Anyway, what I'm wondering is: What are all those little gauges and lights and thingamabobs on the dash for? (Russell Beland, Springfield) This has bugged me since I was a kid: Fred Flintstone's car was a foot-powered vehicle, with a cab resting above two cylindrical rollers. My question is: How did it turn corners? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The image from my backup camera is obscured by something that looks like a paw or small hand. Is this a problem with the camera or a problem with the screen? (Ben Aronin, Washington) If I've locked my keys in my 2007 Toyota Solara convertible and it's about to rain, is there a manual way to get the top up before it storms? (Miranda Longstreth, Washington) I took my car into the dealer, and they said I need my exhaust system flushed, brake disks rotated, power steering grommet tightened and headlights re-bored. My question: Should I get the undercoating package, too? (Russ Taylor) My big brother and his girlfriend like to park down the street and make out. Me and my buddy want to shake them up by whacking the bumper real hard to make the air bags pop out. Will we need, like, a couple of railroad ties, or will a full shopping cart do the trick? (Steve Fahey, Kensington) My "check engine" light went out while I was driving to work in heavy traffic, after it'd been on for two months. What kind of bulb should I buy to replace the one that went out and how do I put it in? (Jonathan Gettleman, Ashburn) Please settle this argument: I always save on gas by never letting the tank go less than half-full, while my wife runs it down near the E. This way I can fill it up for only $15, while it costs my wife $30. She says it doesn't matter, 'cause she makes up for it by avoiding jackrabbit starts and stops. Who's right? (Steve Fahey) What would possess Jay Shuck of Minneapolis to mistake the CLEARLY MARKED engine coolant reservoir in a 2000 Honda Civic for the windshield wiper fluid container? (Jay Shuck's wife, Minneapolis) Dear Click and Clack: Do you know of any cars where the clutch and accelerator pedals aren't so close together? Sincerely, L. Craig, Boise (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Hey, is this the Terry Gross show? (Tom and Ray Magliozzi, Greater Boston) To Miss Manners & Ask Amy When breaking up with a girlfriend by text message, is it okay to abbreviate words using "text speak," or would that come across as rude and insensitive? I mean, if you're really in a hurry. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) My psychotic boyfriend mailed me his severed left ear after a bad argument. We've now broken up. Am I required to return the ear? (Jay Shuck) Dear Amy: The letter from "Miffed in Topeka" could have been written by me, except I've never been to Kansas, and I'm not a woman, and I don't work in an office, and my son is not on drugs, and my boss isn't hitting on me, my best friend isn't gay, and I don't have a crush on my rabbi (I'm not even Jewish). But your answer really helped me a lot. Thanks! (Chris Rollins) Next Week: No River, No Woods, or Taking Off on the Holidays ====================================================================== WEEK 741, published November 24, 2007 Week 741: Well, What Do You Know? At the supermarket: "Express lane" is a term meaning "Do not under any circumstances have your money ready." It could be true that everything YOU need to know you learned in kindergarten. But the rest of us, we're afraid, need a broader perspective. This week: Tell us what Major Life Lessons can be derived from any of these venues or situations. 1. From watching a presidential campaign debate 2. On the pot 3. At the DMV 4. At the supermarket 5. From having the flu Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets, in the spirit of the season, Poo-Pooing Santa Claus, who ejects jolly little red and green candies from a ho-ho-hole in his pants. It would be nice if we could get the Inker to do this too, but he has no pants. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 3. Put "Week 741" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Today is National Empress Day. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Russell Beland, who remembered a contest like this from seven years ago. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russ Taylor of Vienna. Report From Week 737, in which we asked for songs to commemorate an occasion other than Christmas or Hanukkah, set to a well-known tune. Song parodies are an exacting genre -- there are millions of them out there, but few very good ones. The finest not only match the originals' meter and rhyme schemes (and often play cleverly off the original lyrics), but also build up to a strong ending, basically a punch line. The definitive parodies may be those from Mad magazine of the 1960s and '70s, but the tradition endures. One specialist is Loser Barbara Sarshik of McLean, who over the years has penned a whole Passover's worth of fabulous "Seder Songs" set to show tunes; you can see them at http:www.barbarasarshik.com. 3. Birth of a child(to "Makin' Whoopee") A girl and boy, They hug and dance, They wed in joy, Goodbye romance! Amor is fleein', For they've a wee 'un Who's makin' poopie.(Mae Scanlan, Washington) 2. The winner of the Slang Flashcards: Valentine's Day(to "Under the Sea") You wonder what you should do to Make me want your body more, Why the red lace thong you bought me Is still lying in my drawer. How could you be more alluring? Babe, you haven't got a clue. Just sit tight and listen closely To the things that you should do: Take out the trash, hang up your pants. It wouldn't hurt to iron a shirt to Get more romance. Don't buy a case of fine French wine, Just grab a jug of 409! I will be lusting, when you are dusting. Take out the trash! (Barbara Sarshik) And the Winner of the Inker The Running of the Bulls(to "If I Only Had a Brain") I could drink Amontillado To work up my bravado And quell my fear of pain. Partly drunk and wholly crazy, I could be all Hemingwazy If I ran the bulls in Spain. Yes, the notion is outlandish, For bulls ain't Ferdinandish, At least not in the main. But each year, fellows pour in To risk tramplin' and gorin' As they run the bulls in Spain. Oh I perhaps could die, But what a way to go! Yes, the end could be a mess, but even so, I'd be so drunk, I'd hardly know! Though my sprint is more a waddle, There's courage in a bottle For something so insane. I could prove I'm really macho Or else end up as gazpacho If I ran the bulls in Spain. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Bumming a Few Hars: Honorable Mentions Public Radio Pledge "Week"(to "Simple Gifts") 'Tis the gift that's expected, 'tis the gift based on guilt, 'Tis the gift on which public radio is built. But when they beg, interrupting all the news 'Tis hard to be willing to pay those dues. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Super Bowl Sunday(to "A Wonderful Guy") I can't wait until Super Bowl Sunday -- Mountains of munchies and drinks with the lads. Not that I claim to care squat for the game, I'm in love with the wonderful ads! Most of them featuring flatulent horses, Bodily functions or kicks to the nads, Lavish campaigns in which tastelessness reigns; I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love with these juvenile ads! (Brendan Beary) Thanksgiving(to "There's No Business Like Show Business") There's no turkey in Tofurky, It's faux turkey, you know. Vegans like to eat it on Thanksgiving Stuff it with some couscous and some dough, Add some sprouts and shout, "Hey, this is living, And it tastes great, too!" but I say, "Whoa -- We're meat, people, not wheat-people, Let's eat what's apropos We're atop the food chain, so let's act the part: So eat real turkey, the neck and heart, Offal's awful good, so grab a fork and start The Great Carnivore Show! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Bastille Day(to "Y.M.C.A.") Louie, try not to shake. I said, Louis, things are simply not jake. I said, Marie should have served more than cake The peasants are revolting. I said, Louis, it's quatorze juillet. I said, Louis, for your hair a bad day. You can't fall back on an auto-de-fe The inmates are in charge. Come on, let's have . . . Bastille Day, Come on and let all those bon temps roulez.. . . (George Vary, Bethesda) Easter(to "Just a Closer Walk with Thee") Just an Easter Bunny now, No religion! Holy cow! The Passion's gone from it somehow. It's just an Easter Bunny now. (Mike Dailey, Centerville) The Day After Christmas Take me out to the mall now, Take me out to buy Peeps. Christmas was over a day ago, Easter's coming in three months or so, So we'll stock up on chocolate bunnies, And a small marshmallow bird, 'Cause it's one, two, three months until it's March twenty-third! (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Easter(to "Revolution") Oh, has there been a Resurrection? Well, you know That's what His disciples say. They gave the tomb a good inspection, Well, you know, They found the stone was rolled away. Just goes to prove the old expression: That you just can't keep a good man down, And you know He's gotta be Our Lord . . . (Leslie Horne, Greenbelt) Columbus Day Ten million, nine million, eight million Indians . . . (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Halloween(to "It's a Long Way to Tipperary") There's a wrong way to dress your daughter, There's a wrong way, you know. Make your daughter dress like she oughter, And not like some two-bit ho. Goodbye, Cinderella, Hello, Britney Spears. There's a wrong wrong way to dress your daughter When she's just seven years. (Mae Scanlan) National Pomegranate Month(to "That's Entertainment") The fruit that is currently hot Helps your heart, and unthickens your snot Dulls your pain, even better than pot That's pomegranate! (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) And Last: The publication of The Style Invitational(to "Saturday in the Park") Saturdays in The Post, Jokes that make the ombudsman cry! Saturdays in The Post, Obvious that things are awry: Poop jokes, rude jokes, almost lewd jokes: I look at them and I scream, "This is just so wrong! These are stupid! Mine were better! Can't I ink here?" Yes, I can, But I've been waiting such a long time . . . (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Read more Honorable Mentions . More Honorable Mentions for Week 737, the Style Invitational contest to write a song commemorating an occasion other than Christmas or Hanukkah, set to a well-known tune: Groundhog Day You ain't nothing but a groundhog, biding all your time. You ain't nothing but a groundhog, biding all your time. Well, you didn't see your shadow, so you ain't no friend of mine. (Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.) Rosh Hashanah (to "My Sharona") Ooh, my little chosen one, chosen one, Blow your little shofar, it is Rosh Hashanah! Jewish New Year has begun, it has begun. Shout out "Shana tova," it is Rosh Hashanah! Chant some piyyutim by a stream, Cast your sins away, Honey is the theme, apples too, Come to shul and pray. Oy, oy oy, oy oy vey . . . Ro-Ro-Ro-Rosh Hashanah! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Passover (to "Cheek to Cheek") Leaven, don't eat leaven! All consumption of the bread now must be ceased, And you don't enjoy your dinners in the least When you're eating bread that's made without the yeast. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Easter (to "Get Me to the Church on Time") I'm getting holy in the morning, Ding dong, again it's Easter time. My faith is merely Something that's yearly, So get me to the church one time. . . . If I forget when, tell me to kneel, If I look lost, help me keep it real, For I'm getting holy in the morning Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime. My faith is lenient, When it's convenient, So get me to the church one time. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Grandparents' Day (to "School Days") Drool days, cruel days, We're-no-longer-cool days, Propped in our wheelchairs along the halls, Firmly restrained so there'll be no falls. Struggling to breathe, remember names, Drinking Ensure, playing bingo games. Gone are our loves, our dreams, our aims We treasured when we were just kids. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Opening day of the Supreme Court term (to "Another Opening, Another Show") The court's in session, it's quite a show From gun control to Guantanamo. So bang a gavel, away we go! The court's in session, and it's quite a show! We zip our robes up and grab a brief. Harass a law clerk, salute the chief. We all march in to a standing O. The court's in session, and it's quite a show! Five-four, can't we ever agree? Four-five, who will get Kennedy? One day if the stars will align We'll write a decision all nine of us sign. Another season for our high court. Strike down a statute! Create a tort! We're more dramatic than HBO -- The court's in session and it's quite a show! (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) Leif Erikson Day (Oct. 9) (to "Up on the Housetop") Off to the New World, run, run, run! There goes old Leif Ericson! Five hundred years before Colón, Out in his longboat all alone. Row, row, row! Look how he goes! Till "Land ho-- L'Anse aux Meadows!" First in the New World, quite a trick, Put up a shack, so it will stick. Off in the New World, your grandson Left a rune in Kensington Proof that the Norse were first to come: Knights of Columbus now are glum! Ho ho ho! Norwegians crow! "Ve vere first, doncha know?" History books, remove the thief! Time to look over a new Leif. (Jeff Brechlin the Norwegian, Eagan, Minn.) Administrative Professionals Day, formerly Secretaries' Day (to "Hey Jude") Hey Ruth, go get your pad, Take a letter and make it snappy Remember to get my latte grande, No, you can't go home for feeling crappy Now type it up, please, right away, send it today. Then go pick up all my dry cleaning And after that, can you get . . . hey, what's that you say? What do you mean "life has no meaning"? Hey Ruth, come off the ledge, Why must she be so doggone cra-a-a-zy Oh man, she jumped right off of the edge That woman was so downright lazy. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Thanksgiving (To "Maria") Thanksgiving! I've just had another Thanksgiving! The trip out to Des Moines, The siblings to rejoin; the feast. Thanksgiving, and coming back now from Thanksgiving, I'm thankful, I can tell, For having moved the hell out East! Thanksgiving! And it's key to my sane survival To be free to revise my arrival And departure -- so I drive all the way to Thanksgiving! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) My First Drug Screening (to "Someone to Watch Over Me") There's a somebody I'm dreading to see 'Cause I want to be an employee: Someone who'll watch while I pee. My narcotics use is varied and vast, I must be fast, slip something past Someone who'll watch while I pee. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Earth Day Yes! We'll have no mañanas, Unless we are careful today. We've tsunamis and storming, And such global warming The Earth might just melt away. We've got to curb our emissions, And improve all earthly conditions, Or, yes! we'll have no mañanas! In fact, there may be no "today." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Saint Stephen's Day (Dec. 26), (to "Eve of Destruction") . . . So they stoned him Over and over and over again, my friend, It's that dude named Steve, We all now grieve his destruction. (Randy Lee, Burke) Circumcision (to "Mack the Knife") Uncle Sid's here, and Aunt Julie, All the family gathered round, The young baby, gently cooing He's gonna find the mohel's back in town! (Gregory Dunn, Alexandria) Patriots' Day (celebrated in Massachusetts) (to "Da Doo Run Run") Mile 20 on a Monday, they hit Heartbreak Hill, They do run run run, they do run run. Boston Marathoners don't give me a thrill. They do run run run, they do run run. Instead, I take out my grill, And put in some beers to chill. And watch the Sox on TV at home. They do run run run, they do run run. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Earth Day (to the "Major-General's Song") We love your oceans and your mountains; that's why we're saluting you. (We trust you'll overlook our little habit of polluting you.) We've wrecked your ozone layer; now we're dumping trash in ponds and lakes. (We know you're mad but won't you can those Santa Ana winds and quakes?) Today's your day, dear Mother Earth, and this is why we love you so: We're stuck on you ('cause, sad to say, there's really nowhere else to go). So cheers from all the human gang; let's hear it for that Big, Big Bang From whence this crazy chaos sprang. (Let's not the way of Pluto go.) (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Anti-Invitational, an existing song for a particular occasion : Leap Second Adjustment Day (June 30, 2008): Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future . . . (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Next Week: So What's to Liken? orJesting the Contrast ====================================================================== WEEK 742, published December 1, 2007 Week 742: Clue Us In Saturday, December 1, 2007 50 Across: Actual clue: Temporary fix New clue: Business plan at Abercrombie Just as we did about this time last year, we're asking for a whole new set of clues to a crossword penned by Ace Constructor Paula Gamache; this one ran in The Post this past May. You'll notice that some of the words are already puns -- Paula isn't just a "mine entrance = adit" kinda woman. But we're looking for a funny clue for every last word. Offer as many as you like; just keep the wording concise, because otherwise we won't be able to fit all 76 clues on this page four weeks from now. Please say which word you're writing the clue for; don't just write "36 Down." Paula will help judge. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this Over the Hill Size Long Bra pictured here , for use at your more boorish 50th-birthday parties. Its cups are two knit pockets that each could serve as a sheath for a long pair of scissors. It was donated by Loser Kevin Mellema of Falls Church, whom it no longer fits. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 10. Put "Week 742" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest was sent by both Tom Witte and Dave Prevar and we hope no one else. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russell Beland. Report From Week 738 in which we asked you to compare or contrast any two items from a randomly generated list of 15: The most frequently submitted entry: How is Lindsay Lohan's handbag like the peaks of Mount Whitney? They're both frequently covered with snow. Almost as frequent, but better: A piranha and a "great introductory rate" will both turn around and bite you from behind. 4. Ferrari cup holders and Lindsay Lohan's handbag:Both tend to be forgotten when the speed kicks in. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) 3. Womanly knuckles and a Hawaiian Punch martini:Both can knock you out, but at least the martini is a little sweet about it. (Judith Cottrill, New York) 2. the winner of the gummy tapeworm and bacon-flavored toothpicks: Womanly knuckles and cup holders on a Ferrari:They're both the very last features you notice -- after headlights, chassis, rear end, seat and handling. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) And the Winner of the Inker "American Gothic" and the next three presidential debates:The pitchfork has three good points. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fit to Be Tied: Honorable Mentions "American Gothic" and the National Christmas Tree:In both cases, there's a big white house in the background, but it's probably better not to know what goes on inside. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) "American Gothic" and the next three presidential debates:The painting has only two cranky, two-dimensional people. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "American Gothic" and Lindsay Lohan's handbag:One represents the American Farm; the other, the American Pharm. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) "¢ One has an oversize fork, the other an undersize spoon. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) A piranha and an annotated copy of Lynne Cheney's "Blue Skies, No Fences":One is something deadly in the Amazon, the other ON Amazon. (Larry Yungk, temporarily in Bangkok) A piranha and the peaks of Mount Whitney:It's unwise to scale either without gloves. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore; Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) A piranha and womanly knuckles:Only one of these makes a good nickname for a Mafia enforcer. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Womanly knuckles and broccoli skin cream:Only one is being thought of to replace "womanly words" in the Marylandstate motto. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Womanly knuckles and Lindsay Lohan's handbag:With both, you never know when you might get a little crack out of them. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) "¢ Both are likely to hit me upside the head if I ever were to make a pass at Lindsay Lohan. (Tom Witte) "¢ Both have a few little joints. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Broccoli skin cream and a "great introductory rate":One helps you keep your complexion, the other helps you lose your shirt. (Lawrence McGuire) Broccoli skin cream and an Xbox 360:With both, overnight use leaves you slightly green and oily. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) "¢ One protects your skin from the sun; the other protects your son from the sun. (Dan Colilla, Pittsburgh) Lindsay Lohan's handbag and a Hawaiian Punch martini:You don't want to be holding either one when you're pulled doing 120 in a 35-mph zone.(Anne Paris, Arlington) Lindsay Lohan's handbag and the cup holders on a Ferrari:The cup holders cost only $149.50 (true!). (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "¢ Both have been puked into by Lindsay Lohan. (Ted Theofanos, Silver Spring) Cup holders on a Ferrari and thenext three presidential debates:Both are things into which Dennis Kucinichjust barely fits. (Russell Beland) The National Christmas Tree and an Xbox 360:It'd still be Christmas without the tree. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) A "great introductory rate" and the cup holders on a Ferrari:They're both the only parts you might be able to afford. (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) A "great introductory rate" and singing in the rain:With either one, you'll be soaked before you know it. (Ed Gordon, Deerfield Beach, Fla.; Russ Taylor) An anesthesiologist's cat and Lindsay Lohan's handbag:Two things you might find draped over someone who's passed out. (Jay Shuck) The Xbox 360 and the next three presidential debates:The Xbox 360 is a Wiicompetitor. And Dennis Kucinich is a wee competitor. (Brendan Beary) Next Week: Lies, All Lies, or Fool Disclosure ====================================================================== WEEK 743, published December 8, 2007 Week 743: Picture This Style Invitational Cartoonist for Life Bob Staake has been feeling unloved lately, what with being bumped off the page in favor of a crossword puzzle grid last week, and with Richard Thompson's "Richard's Poor Almanack" cartoons making rude gestures at his drawings from across the gutter on Page C3. So we return after many, many weeks to the well-loved, no-special-twist caption contest: Write a caption for any of these Bob Staake cartoons. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives something so good you'll try not to place first: this Darth Vader helmet, complete with a control box with which you can make James Earl Jones intone, "You don't know the pow-ah of the DARK SIDE," and modeled here by the Empress (tiara not included). But what sets it far above any ordinary James Earl Jones-intoning Darth Vader helmet is that this one was donated by, and has enclosed the personal head of, Hank Stuever, the most stylish of Style section writers. Hank is moving desks and "going through a personal-accoutrement makeover. Trying to de-geekify." Hmm, what made him think of us? Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 17. Put "Week 743" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phil Frankenfeld of Washington. Report from Week 739, in which we asked you to supply some fictitious revelations about current or former politicians: 4. Little Johnny Edwards's dog was killed when it ran into the back of the ambulance they were chasing. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 3. LBJ's mother used to pick him up by his ears. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) 2. winner of the Bill Clintonin Drag magnet set:John Edwards's campaign has released documents proving he now pays well below the average rate not only for his haircuts, but also for his weekly manicure, pedicure and mango-avocado-yogurt facial peel. (Larry Yungk, on vacation in Bangkok) And the Winner of the Inker The venue for JFK's visit to Germanywas changed from Hamburgon the advice of his speechwriter. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) Lying Low: Honorable Mentions Vice President Cheney's prolonged absences from public view reflect times he has checked into BethesdaNaval Medical Center while shedding his exoskeleton. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) In addition to fear itself, FDR was terrified of circus clowns.(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Kay "Bailey" Hutchison got her nickname from her father's favorite cartoon character, Beetle Bailey. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Hubert Humphrey named all his pet cats Bogart. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob Ehrlichis the secret love child of Bob Haldeman and John Ehrlichman. (Randy Lee, Burke) As a child, Winston Churchillonce told a teacher, "Yes, m'am, I am tardy, but tomorrow I will be on time, and you will still be ugly." (Jeff Brechlin) In 1989, to prevent voters and political opponents from associating him with America's enemies, Barack Moammar Castro had his name legally changed to Barack Hussein Obama. (Mike Fransella, Arlington) Joe Bidenonce held his breath for 12 seconds. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Though James Buchanan was the only bachelor president, he had a deep platonic relationship with rookie White Housereporter Helen Thomas. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Al Goremay not have invented the Internet, but he did invent a great electronic storage application for Internet porn. (Ralph Scott, Washington) Bill Richardsonhas the most cleavage of any presidential candidate. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) As a kid, Steny Hoyerwas never teased about his name. (Randy Lee) Rep. Tom Tancredoonce rode in a taxi driven by an illegal immigrant -- and he gave the driver a tip. (Horace Labadie, Dunnellon, Fla.) Mitt Romneyhas never spent more than $1.50 for a haircut, as he has been bald since 1958. His current "hair" is a plastic cast made from a bust of Ronald Reagan. (Steve Fahey) Lincoln was the first president to wear briefs. (Russell Beland) Walter Mondalemade an interesting comment on Nov. 14, 1983. (Jeff Brechlin) Newt Gingrichwas named for the New Testament. (Randy Lee) When he was living in Indonesia, Barack Obama was enrolled in Hadassah. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Stephen Douglas used the line "I know you are but what am I?" four times in his debate with Lincoln. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Ron Paulhas a secret love child, Rudolph, or "Ru." (Roy Ashley, Washington; J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Dennis Kucinichonly seems short because his wife is 8-foot-4. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Because of the troubles with subprime mortgages, the Romney campaign has yet to be able to work out its purchase of Iowa. However, they're close to settlement over New Hampshire. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Hillary Clintonhas amassed a huge campaign war chest from monies freed from the accounts of Mrs. Sese Seko merely by paying administrative fees of only a few thousands of dollars US. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Sen. Larry Craighas just announced that after leaving office he will be the national spokesman for a campaign to raise awareness of Restless Leg Syndrome. (Dale Hample, Silver Spring) Dennis Kucinich took steroids as a third-string high school quarterback, but they were placebos. (Kevin Dopart) Early in their marriage, Dick and Lynne Cheneydecided that if they had a son, they would name him Anakin. (Dale Hample) Hillary Clinton has submitted entries to The Style Invitational 13 times since 1996, but has never seen ink. (Chuck Koelbel, Houston) Next Week: Give Us a Hint, or You May Already Be a Loser! ====================================================================== WEEK 744, published December 15, 2007 Week 744: You OED Us One Aurigo: An acute reaction to having ugly furniture in this house. "Either that Redskins-theme recliner goes aurigo!" Here are a bunch of words gleaned from a small section of the Oxford English Dictionary. If you know what they mean, get out of here. Or at least forget you know that, for example, an alectoria is a precious stone found in a cock's gizzard. This week: Make up a humorous and false definition for any of the words listed below.Feel free to use it in a hilarious sentence. Do not feel free to use it in an un-hilarious sentence. Acrasy Adad Adject Adure Aestuation Agazed Aggrate Alectoria Alepine Alexiteric Almagra Anthypophora Aptote Assythe Assoin Auge Aurigo Avolation Barling Baum-cricket Belswagger Benjoin Besonio Bizcacha Blin Boschbok Browster Bulse Caffa Casamat Cerilla Chabuk Chavel Chebec Dartars Dawark Deboise Dennage Desidiose Deuzan Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives "Find It: A Compass for Chronic Losers," donated by the Lost Kyle Hendrickson of Frederick, who was pictured here this past summer with his custom-designed Loser ear picker. This cool cardboard wheel lets you point to any of dozens of commonly lost items (e.g., keys, hair, confidence), and it'll give you hints about (1) the obvious place to find it, (2) the hidden place, (3) the trick place and (4) Plan B. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 24 (and you'd better not pout about it). Put "Week 744" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested, and an even longer list of words contributed, by Russell Beland, who owns some version of the OED. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Prevar. Report From Week 740, in which we . . . well, we were a little vague, it seems, when we asked for clues that situations weren't working out well. But we ended up with lots of funny stuff of the Rodney Dangerfield variety, basically filling out the sentence "You know you're a loser when . . . ." Sometimes we just sit back and see what shows up. Something good usually does. 4.In order for the crossword to come out right, 14 Across has to be "Marie Antoineqte." (Marc Naimark, Paris) 3.When your wife went to shop for a new mattress, she took the dog.(Dave Prevar, Annapolis) 2. the winner of the electric fan that says "Hey Loser," etc.: When you said you could lick any man in the bar, you hadn't realized what kind of bar you were in. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the Winner of the Inker While you're haranguing the U.N. General Assemblyabout the superiority of your country's economic system, the sole falls off the shoe you are gesturing with. (Ben Aronin, Washington) The Rest of the Botch Your girlfriend will sleep with you only if you're asleep first. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) The entire office building where you run the pastry concession was just leased to Elite Model Agency. (Judith Cottrill, New York) In your boxing match, you throw a punch and knock your IV bottle off the pole. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Your date sighs and says, "Uh-oh, my necrotizing fasciitis is flaring up again." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) At the wedding reception your bride says longingly, "He really IS the best man." (Jim Ward, Manassas) The only place you can play hide-and-seek anymore is in old-growth forests. (Erica Hartman, Wilmington) The marriage counselor asks your wife to dinner. (Mike Pool, Vienna) Your dad tells your new boyfriend, "Just remember, I don't mind going back to prison." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Your wife's pimp called and said she had to work late again. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Your job interviewer gets up to go to the bathroom but says, "I'll be back. Just keep talking." (Fil Feit, Annandale) Your dentist says, "Just hold on to this while I look something up . . ." (Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) The guard with the news about the governor's reprieve is carrying a menu. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Your obstetrician asks the nurse to hand her the can of WD-40. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) "Mr. Smith, we received the result of your recent IQ test . . . and I have brought along these finger puppets to help explain what it means." (Larry Yungk, Arlington) "Milady Anne, His Majesty has canceled your appointment with the royal milliner." (Kevin Dopart) During your driving test, you notice the cop pick bits of dog out of his hair. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) At the Christmas pageant you're directing at your church, the back of the Virgin Mary's blouse is tucked into her thong. (Beth Baniszewski) The members of the parole board seem to be staring at the swastika on your forehead. (Russell Beland) At your 20-year high school reunion, your old boyfriend looks at you quizzically and asks, "Now, what did you teach?" (Drew Bennett) The interviewer keeps telling you that her eyes are "up here." (Chuck Smith) Your first novel is reviewed in Landfill Finds Monthly. (John O'Byrne) You ask the audience to name a place and a person during your improv comedy act, and they suggest the Bermuda Triangle and you. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) The babysitter says, "You mean there were four of them?" (Beverley Sharp, Washington) "Sorry, Senator Dodd, the greenroom is for the candidates only." (Larry Schott) You're running for president, and with the general election just 11 months away you realize there are still three farmers in Iowaand a diner waitress from New Hampshireyou haven't even met! (Russell Beland) "Mr. Cage, the applause sounds just like your piece '4'33" '!" (Kevin Dopart) Your art collection becomes suspect when someone points out that the counterman in Edward Hopper's "Nighthawks" is wearing an iPod. (Chuck Smith) The loan officer wouldn't let you keep the Bic pen with the bank's name on it. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) "Reverend, we were looking for an increase in converts TO our church." (Kevin Dopart) Your fortune cookie says, "Tip 30% for antidote." (Beth Baniszewski) You get a thin envelope from Vanity Press Inc. with a form letter saying, "Your manuscript is not in line with our editorial standards." (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Something looks just a little off about your Rollex watch. (Marjorie Streeter, Reston) Next Week: Well, What Do You Know? or Gross Learnings and Deductions ====================================================================== WEEK 745, published December 22, 2007 Week 745: Hurry Up and Slow Down! To make life go faster: Combine all acupuncture sessions into a single one, so you have 622 needles in you at the same time. To make life go slower: Keep everything about NASCAR races the same except that the drivers now have to use little kids' pedal cars. Don't you feel as if life is just speeding by in an incomprehensible blur? Well, not if you're at the DMV, as we'll learn below. Fifty-six-time Loser Bill Spencer of Baltimore suggests that we come up with solutions for a too-fast or too-slow world. This week: Suggest particular ways that would slow life down, or ways that would speed it up, as in Bill's examples above. You can suggest pairs of related entries, but it's not required. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a bright red inflatable pop-up punching bag, sent as a promotion for the cable show "Bounty Girls." A blank-faced human is drawn on it, and there's a place to slide the photo of your choice over the blank face. Awww. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 31 (I mean, what else is there to do?). Put "Week 745" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 19. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Larry Yungk; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 741, in which we asked for "life lessons" that might be learned at any of four venues or situations we specified: 4. On the pot:It's only when you get to the end of the roll that you realize just how little toilet paper you really need. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) 3. From watching a presidential campaign debate:You ask what life lessons can be derived from watching a presidential campaign debate? That's a very good question. As my father, who worked 37 years in a textile mill, once said . . . (Roy Ashley, Washington) 2. the winner of the Poo-Pooing (candy) Santa: From watching a presidential campaign debate:"No Interest Till 2008" isn't just for Big Marty's Mattress Warehouse anymore. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) And the Winner of the Inker On the pot:Floor tile installers must all be Nazis -- why else would I keep seeing so many ways to form swastikas? (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Less On: Honorable Mentions Lessons learned at the supermarket: Fruit-and-vegetable shoppers can be really rude, especially toward jugglers. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Never eat anything that has to have "food" in its name. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Avoid diet food at all costs: The people using that aisle all get HUGE. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Somebody must be buying the moldy brown celery, or else why would Safeway keep stocking it? (Brendan Beary) "15 items or fewer" is a surprisingly fluid concept, totally dependent on whether they are your items or the items of the person in front of you. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) If you use a 50-cent coupon for some overpriced, awful thing you never heard of, you save 50 cents! (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) When you get in the express line with too many items, it doesn't help much to explain that you have to hurry because you're illegally parked in a handicapped spot. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) The manager should know by now I don't think this is a "liberry or sumpin," yet every Saturday when I open The Post to this page, he'll come over and ask me. (Brendan Beary) The less clothing the 17-year-old girl in front of you in line is wearing, the less likely it is that the 20-year-old male cashier is going to card her for those wine coolers. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) If a recipe for that evening's dinner party calls for ningredients, there will always be n-1 in stock. (Jack Sheehan, Eden Prairie, Minn.) At the DMV: There's no excuse for being rude, unless you are a seething caldron of bitterness and despair. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) DMV clerks have no sense of humor. You read Line 5 on the eye test chart as "U R A P I G" and they won't even give you a second chance.(Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) The people at the opera are less likely to pull a gun when you cut into line. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) The DMV single-handedly supports the Next Counter sign industry. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A single bad-hair day can carry a five-year sentence. (Jay Shuck) There are an infinite number of ways to pronounce foreigners' names, apparently none of them recognizable to the holders of those names. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) From having the flu: If you stay in bed in the fetal position for more than three days, the kids WILL learn how to pour their own bowl of cereal. (Anne Paris, Arlington) Barbara Walters looks about 250 years old in high-definition. (Jeff Brechlin) Kneeling in front of the toilet with the dry heaves is not unlike sitting in front of a computer trying to think of a joke about kneeling in front of the toilet with the dry heaves. (Brendan Beary) You cannot actually fry an egg on somebody's forehead. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Six degrees of separation is a lot when it's between 98.6 and 104.6. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The human body can actually output more than it inputs. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Chicken soup looks the same going down and coming up. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) From watching a presidential campaign debate: It's actually possible to make six guys in blue suits, all saying the same vacuous things for two straight hours, seem boring. (Russell Beland) All the candidates must have remarkable ventriloquism skill, as they all appear to be talking out of their mouths. (Dan Ramish, Vienna) If you can't say something nice about someone, compensate by saying bad stuff over and over. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) A "question" is a brief interruption before the candidate continues saying what he had planned to say. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Nixon's starting to look pretty good. (Peter Metrinko) On the pot: There exists an almost metaphysical relationship between the toilet seat and the doorbell. (Bob Dalton) You really do know all 50 states and their capitals. ( Ed Gordon, Deerfield Beach, Fla.) The guy in the next stall almost never wants to do knock-knock jokes. (Jeff Brechlin) Having yellow-stained fungus-encrusted toenails doesn't make you a bad person. (Bob Dalton) The worst bars have the best graffiti. (Tom Witte) Only loose shoes are overrated. (Kevin Dopart) There's at least one person out there willing to let my phone ring twenty-seven times. (Russell Beland) Another smell you can't cover up in a public stall is permanent Magic Marker. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) On vacation here, I've discovered I don't know squat. (Larry Yungk, up-country Thailand) And Last: From watching a presidential campaign debate on the pot due to having the flu: This may be hell -- but at least I'm not at the DMV. (Russ Taylor) Next Week: Clue Us In, or Puzzled Expressions ====================================================================== WEEK 746, published December 29, 2007 Week 746: We Err The World China: In Toys We Lead A couple of years back, we invited you to come up with new mottoes for the 50 states. Loser-275-Times-Over Kevin Dopart, having seen a"Canada-- in six words or less" challenge in Our Northern Neighbor's National Post, suggests that we expand that contest to include all the countries. The Empress has her reservations about this contest, but invites you to cancel them: This week: Give us a motto or short slogan for any country in the world. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets acan of Possum Ding Dongs, made with real possum, sent to us by Drew Bennett of West Plains, Mo. Drewwants us to know, however, that "we are much too cosmopolitan in the Ozarks for Possum Ding Dongs,"and that he acquired this item in Alabama. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday,Jan. 7. Put "Week 746" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Dave Prevar. Report From Week 742, in which we sought more out-there clues for a crossword that ran in The Post this past May. The puzzle's actual author, the renowned Paula Gamache, got to help with the final judging. She did not, at least to us, declare her creation "violated." Because so many entrants of ered something for almost every clue, we ended up with a lot of duplication, but sometimes the funniest answer just happened to be sent in by 32 people. On the other hand, there were a few words for which no one managed anything thrilling. We'll spare you those. (We've included the winner and runners-up below, rather than show them out of order.) ACROSS 1. AVEC: U-Deux song "__ ou Sans Vous" (Randy Lee, Burke) 5. OWES: Calling Mr. Unseld! (David McEwan, Ellicott City) 9. SLIDE: Arule that's out of date (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) What Kucinich's poll numbers can't do (Russell Beland, Springfield) 14. LILA: Girl Simon & Garfunkel sang about in "The Boxer" (Barbara Turner, 15. ARLO: Woody offshoot (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Kevin Dopart, Washington) Jennifer Lopez's sister Arlene (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) In "Alice's Restaurant," he played Arlo (Randy Lee) 16. PETRO: The oilmighty dollar (Chris Doyle) Toy craze that followed the mood ri (Roy Ashley, Washington) 17. PRESSKILT: A sure-fire way to beam up Scotty (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 19. LOHAN: Future star of "The Parent Tramp" (Kevin Dopart) 20. SUNHATS: GOP global warming solution (J.F. Martin, Naples, Fla.; Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) 21. SPINETS: White House press office interns (Mike Dailey, Centreville) Roswell PR task (Maria Rowan, Kensington) 23. SABBATH: What you take every Sab, whether you need it or not (many entries) 25. ATEE: Tiger starts with this (Kevin Dopart) 26. AUG: What Barbara Walters says on Talk Like a Pirate Day (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) 27. ACNE: Redskin problem that's treatable (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 29. WIG: Parton's third-most-impressive feature (Russ Taylor, Vienna) 35. the winner of the Inker: ARLEN: What Texans call my country (John O'Byrne, Dublin) 36. EDU: Usually followed with "idiot," in my experience (Ed Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) 37. NAH: But isn't torture wrong, Mr. Rumsfeld? (Drew Bennett) 38. TOOBALD: Britney's problem from top to bottom (many entries) The only thing that kept Terry Bradshaw from scoring (Maria Rowan) 41. IDO: Two really big words (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis) 42. RUNON: A cruel but not unusual sentence (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) A very anxious actor in a very small role (Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv) 43. EDAM: Cheese that's made backward (many entries) 44. TAR: Mississippi Michelin (Cy Gardner, Arlington) 45. ITER: Place to resuscitate sick PCs (Randy Lee; Peter Boice, Rockville) One who neuters. (Russell Beland) 46. MSG: Gloria Steinem, to her protegees (Randy Lee) What we USED to worry about in Chinese products. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 48. TUBE: The Hamlet Channel (John O'Byrne) 50. STOPGAP: What Nixon told Rose Mary Woods after 18 1/2 minutes (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) 57. ACCEDES: Lets spouse control the thermostat (Kevin Dopart) 59. INUIT: I wz rt (Chris Parkin, Silver Spring) 60. POLKADOLT: Nasty bumper sticker from the 1844 presidential race (many entries) Second runner-up: Someone who plays air accordion (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) 62. ROLLE : With 12 Down, questionable sushi (Kevin Dopart) 63. ERIE: Lake by the Mistake (Kevin d'Eustachio, Lynchburg, Va.) 67. NEAR: How much corn y'git with supper (Michael Reinemer, Annandale) DOWN 1. ALPS: Assists Eliza Doolittle (J. Larry Schott) 2. VIRUS: ___ bag, scientific term for child in day care (Kelly Esposito, Frederick) Gates crasher (Jim Ward, Manassas) 4. CASHBAR: No woman ever said, "Take me to the . . ." (Chris Parkin) 6. WRIST: Only place where it's a relief to get slapped (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 7. ELL: New metrosexual fashion magazine (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) 8. SOTS: Fraternity admission tests (Ira Allen, Bethesda) 9. SPLITEND: Thong's purpose, briefly (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) 10. LEONE: Monsieur Right (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) 11. ITHEEWELD: Third runner-up: What the knight said to his bride before leaving on the crusade (Marleen May, Rockville) 12. DRAT: Dan Rather's gangsta name (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) 22. PANEL: Superman's cousin the movie critic (Horace LaBadie, Dunellon, Fla.) 28. CLAN: What a kilt SHOULD reveal (Brendan Beary) 30. IDEA: The Swedish light bulb store (many entries) 32. UNIT: Lousy put-down (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) International Geek Squad (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) 34. SHORTCULT: First runner-up, winner of the Over the Hill gag bra: Twig Davidians (Steve Fahey, Kensington) 38. TRIBUTES: What bibutes aspire to be (Cy Gardner) 39. OUTER: More obviously gay (Russell Beland) The second-most-interesting part of a thigh (Dan Ramish, Vienna) 43. EGGEDON: Dinosaur made extinct by poachers (Cy Gardner) 46. MOCKED: What Jackie Mason STILL does to Sullivan (Andrew Hoenig) 47. SPCA: Line dance at dog weddings (Tom Murphy, Bowie) 49. UTILE: What you want when you have a Q on your rack (J. Larry Schott) 51. TALIA: NOT Jenna Bush's middle name! (Brendan Beary) 52. ADOBE: A joint in Taos (Chris Parkin) 53. PELLA: Stanley Kowalski's cry of pane (Maria Rowan; Larry Yungk, Arlington) Your specimen, please, Miss Fitzgerald (Paula Gamache, Rye, N.Y.) Next Week: Picture This, or Captions Outrageous ====================================================================== WEEK 747, published January 5, 2008 Week 747: Boeing Us Silly The security line would go a whole lot faster without having to take off shoes, belts, pants, etc. Just leave them home. We delay our annual obit-poem contest (the subjects won't complain) in honor of today's week number, pointed out to us far in advance(independently) by Losers Russell Beland and Kevin Dopart. While we're sure that most people find our nation's airline system utterly without flaw, perhaps one or two of you could dig down deep to find something that could use a wee bit of improvement. This week: Suggest some comical ways to improve air travel, either in general or for yourself. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner up gets a VHS tape of "Fisher-Price Little People Discovering Animals." The donor, 66-time Loser Andrew Hoenig, promises that as you watch the Little People characters "make exciting discoveries about their animal friends," you will make exciting discoveries about the limits of your own digestive system, as he did well before the 389th viewing. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 14. Put "Week 747" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 2. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart; this week's Honorable Mentions name was submitted by both Russ Taylor of Vienna and Rick Haynes of Potomac. Report From Week 743, in which we sought captions for these cartoons by Bob Staake. Most people saw the ambiguous mammal in Cartoon A as some sort of feline, which made for many "cat scan" jokes. And many Losers noted that Cartoon D was someone's idea of a quarter horse. 4. Cartoon B:An early prototype of the auto shoe buffer left a lot to be desired (Jim Senft, Silver Spring) 3. Cartoon D:During his latest appearance, Mitt's staff called to remind him to appear Reaganesque, but that day he just felt Dukakish. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) 2. the winner of the Darth Vadermask: Cartoon B:No matter how many times she tried, Martha could never get the whole lawyer under her car. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) And the Winner of the Inker Cartoon C: "Harvey, when I said I wanted something different in the bedroom, I was thinking new drapes." (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Close Captioning: Honorable Mentions CARTOON A "Hmmm, you look like something you might have dragged in." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "You have erect-tail dysfunction." (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) "Mr. Hardy, a hyenal hernia is no laughing matter." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) "Your DNA shows that you're lion AND tiger AND bear. Oh my." (Jeff Brechlin) "You do know that you're supposed to get inside the tank and not the other way around?" (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) "Are you sure it was humangrowth hormone you injected, Mr. Bonds?" (Steve Fahey, Kensington) "The X-ray shows the lady from Niger, all right, and she should pass naturally in two or three days -- but there won't be a smile on your face, I'll tell you that." (Jeff Brechlin) CARTOON B D.C. cabbies still prefer feet to meters. (Kevin Dopart) Why car salesmen like to go along on the test drive. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) He had a naturally wide stance. He was not gay. But just as the senator from Idahosaid, George was in the wrong place at the wrong time. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Britney Spearsaccidentally increases the size of Al Gore's carbon footprint. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Connie missed parking perfectly by just a foot. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Herbie's second cousin Melvin, the Hate Bug. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) Eventually, Barack learned to turn down rides to the debate with Hillary. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) How Metrobus drivers keep in practice. (Kevin Dopart) Though it worked well, Joe always found it harder to break in the second shoe using this method. (Larry Yungk) Bug Squashes Man (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) CARTOON C "No, you idiot. I said I wanted some soup, a hero and a cake." (Andrew Hoenig) "Don't threaten me, Bruce -- so what if I did borrow your tights!" (Barbara Turner) Barbara and George Bush: The Secret Tapes (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "All right, already! I'll get the Brazilian wax!" (Claire Center, Burtonsville) "So I'm your archenemy, the Dust Bunny, got it? And you can foil me only by pushing your special Bat Broom around all the floors to rid the house of my evil henchmen. Great. Meanwhile, I'm going back into suspended animation till 9." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) In the twilight of his career, Adam West tries in vain to turn over a new leaf. (Russell Beland, Springfield) CARTOON D The first-quarter results have been extremely favorable! (Michael Mason, Fairfax) Check out YouTubefor an old video of Mitt Romneygoing "varmint hunting." (J. Larry Schott) Hank learned that for just 25 cents more, phone sex could be a whole lot better. (Jeff Brechlin) Evel Knievel Jr.'s stunts never lived up to his father's legacy. (J. Larry Schott) Due partially to its small budget, "Urban Cowboy II" was a flop. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Sylvia, remember what you said about me and the horse I rode in on? Well, can you meet me right outside the Wal-Mart?" (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) "Can you hold on a sec? I think my exit is coming up." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Just a quarter in, and Ralph was already out of control on his wild ride. (J. Larry Schott) Tom was forced to admit that, even at a quarter per ride, the ZipHorse concept made no sense. (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.) Next Week: You OED Us One, or The Define Comedy ====================================================================== WEEK 748, published January 12, 2008 Week 748: Dead Letters Higgledypiggledy Thomas F. Eagleton Ran with McGovern, got Dumped as insane. Electromagnetically Tainted, he learned that raw Politics packs a worse Jolt to the brain. Another year, another fascinating group of dead people. Once again, we shall not fail to ensure that they and their deeds be enshrined forever in verse. It's okay, they won't know. This week: Write a humorous poem about a well-known personage who died in 2007, as in the double dactyl above, contributed by a Gene N. Weingarten of Washington. Lists of "notable deaths" and the like abound online. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a little Steve Irwin beanbag doll, donated by Marleen May of Rockville. No, no, he's entirely intact. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 22. Put "Week 748" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality; your work must be your own idea. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 9. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Larry Yungk; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Chris Doyle. Larry Yungk also suggested that we note the rookie ink, while Beverley Sharp came up with the name "First Offender." Report From Week 744, in which we asked you to create totally fictional meanings for any in a list of words gleaned from the beginning pages of the Oxford English Dictionary. Lots of Losers defined "deboise" as Sen. Larry Craig's friends from Idaho, and a " barling " as a young lady best eyed with beer goggles. Hereis a list of the words' actual meanings (or sometimes one of several meanings), according to the OED: List of OED Definitions . We've been told occasionally of readers -- very funny ones -- who have hesitated to enter the Invitational because they see the same names week after week, and figure we never choose anyone new. Well, this would be news to the 3,925 people (as of last week) who have earned one or more blots of Invitational ink. This week we'll begin noting the Invite's first-time Losers -- we'll call them First Offenders. And thanks to the suggestion of fairly-new-himself Loser Russ Taylor, we'll award each of them one of those tree air "fresheners" for your car, and call it the Fir Stink. First Ink, get it? Hahaha. Ow. 4. ADJECT: To modify a noun. "He couldn't just describe his emotions as 'an earthquake,' no -- he had to adject it into a 'violent earthquake.' " (Russell Beland, Springfield) 3. DEBOISE: The male package. "Billy won't be playing in the second half against Bensonhurst. He got smacked in deboise." (Tom Sullivan, Highland, Mich.-- a First Offender) 2. the winner of the"Find It: A Compass for Chronic Losers" cardboard wheel:BIZCACHA: Motivational blather before a sales meeting. "We set our monthly goal for syrup pickles, but we first had to wade through all that bizcacha." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) And the Winner of the Inker DENNAGE: The stuff that Dad is allowed to keep only in his own room. "An arcade Pong console AND a Visible V-8 Engine -- whoa, that's some serious dennage." (Bill Spencer, Baltimore) Near Def Experiences: Honorable Mentions ADAD: A commercial for an infomercial. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) ADAD: A very early clue that a baby will be dyslexic. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) ADAD: The husband of an imam. "We don't have any adads in Iran."(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) ADJECT: A campaign commercial deemed too slimy to run. [Now archaic.] (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) ADJECT: Catchphrase of District Attorney Buckwheat in the new series "Law & Order: Our Gang." "I adject, I adject! Your Honorableness Alfalfa, Mr. Spanky is witnessing the badger!" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) ADURE: To experience life before TiVo. "I don't think I can adure this Toyotathon commercial again." (Russ Taylor, Vienna) AESTUATION: The use of the "æ" symbol in words that already have enough letters, like "encyclopædia." (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) AGAZED: Grandson of Aga X. (Elwood Fitzner) ALEPINE: The Olympic skiing event that Bode Millercould win. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) ALMAGRA: Contributions to a church's endowment fund: Through regular use of almagra, Pastor Bob raised enough to erect a steeple that everyone admired. (Larry Yungk, Arlington; Dave Zarrow, Herndon) ANTHYPOPHORA: A rock power ballad that's been turned into Muzak. "The anthypophora in this elevator -- is that 'Free Bird' or 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'?" (Russ Taylor) APTOTE: An honor student's extra-large backpack. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) ASSYTHE: A heavy-duty surgical instrument: "When the scalpel is too small for the butt reduction surgery, the plastic surgeon pulls out the assythe." (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.) ASSYTHE: What toothless hockey players shout when they help a teammate to score a goal. (Peter Metrinko) AUGE: Reaction to being assigned a dirty job. "Upon being told to clean the stables, Hercules grumbled, 'Auge whiz!' " (Horace LaBadie) BELSWAGGER: The characteristic strut of a coach with a perfect season. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) BENJOIN: To create a new name every time two celebrities hook up. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.; Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) BENJOIN: Backwoods music playing. " 'Deliverance' had some kinda dadgum benjoin." (George Vary, Bethesda; Chris Doyle) BIZCACHA: The act of going number one and number two at the same time. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) BLIN: Third-rate costume jewelry: "Yo, you drop a G on that blin?" (Horace LaBadie; David Zvijac, Annandale, who almost counts as a First Offender: He got his only other ink in 1993, when he won the contest) BLIN: The capital of Irelandbefore its expansion. (Kevin Dopart, Chris Doyle) BROWSTER: KGBcode name for Leonid Brezhnev. (Elwood Fitzner) BULSE: The quickened heart rate of a liar. "The polygraph operator immediately noticed his bulse." (Tom Witte) CHAVEL: A surgical instrument designed to turn an outie into an innie. "After a boob job, Brazilian plastic surgeons often provide a quick turn of the chavel as lagniappe." (Hillel Weinberg, Falls Church-- a First Offender) CHAVEL: A perfume company whose No. 5 smells about as good as a horse's No. 2. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) CHEBEC: Shouting distance. "He's your husband, so he's expected to be at chebec and call." (Chris Doyle) DEBOISE: To ask for the rice pilaf instead of the baked potato. (Pam Sweeney) DENNAGE: Gross weight measurement. The Grand Slam breakfast remains one of America's most vital sources of dennage. (Larry Yungk) Next Week: Hurry Up and Slow Down!, or The Tortuous and the Harried ====================================================================== WEEK 749, published January 19, 2008 Week 749: Opus 266, No. 3 Here's a contest we've run twice before: to take a word in common usage and create a new definition for it. This contest, dating to 1998, has proved so popular that many of the printed entries from Week 266 and Week 564 are still in wide circulation today. For instance, the Sunday comic "Opus" by Berkeley Breathed (syndicated, totally coincidentally, by The Washington Post Writers Group) devoted both the Dec. 9 and Dec. 16 strips to such definitions as "abdicate: give up all hope for a flat stomach" -- every one of which was a Style Invitational entry from Week 266.(That one was by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village, in one of the more than 900 blots of ink he's dribbled over the years.) Breathed (rhymes more or less with "death head") did write "Style Invitational" on a newspaper in one panel of the Dec. 9 strip (but not the next week's), though he didn't give a hint what that phrase might mean. In any case, seems it's time to give people like Berkeley Breathed some new humor to use in their creative work. This week: Take any common word or two-word term beginning with any letter from A through H and give it a new definition. You can see the results from Weeks 266 and 564 here: Week 266 and Week 564 . Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a truly distinctive, um, artwork called "The Many Moods of Farrah," a sort of shadow box (suitable for wall hanging) into which are crammed 12 heads -- in full winged coiffure -- of genuine 1977 Barbie-type Farrah Fawcett-Majors dolls. While their skin tones differ slightly, their expressions display the identical degree of vacuity. To add to the creepiness of it all, the clear lid of the box has some sort of slash in it. Donated by Samart Kantaweat of Arlington. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 28. Put "Week 749" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 16. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest and this week's Honorable Mentions name are both by Russ Taylor. Report From Week 745, in which we asked for suggestions on how to make life go faster, and how to make it go slower: 4. To make life go faster:Set your TiVoto skip all the shows, too. (Ben Aronin, Washington) 3. To make life go slower:Contract out airport security to the DMV. To make life go faster:Contract out airport security to Blackwater. (Mike Pool, Vienna) 2. winner of the promotional pop-up punching bag: To make life go faster:Skip showering. To make life go slower:Get stuck on the Metro next to someone who is making life go faster. (Dan Ramish, Vienna) And the Winner of the Inker Tomake life go slower:Take a time machine back to when your parents or grandparents were children, and then walk with them to school and home again, in the snow, uphill both ways and without shoes, and be grateful for it. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Tempus Fugitives: Honorable Mentions TO MAKE LIFE GO FASTER: Make telephones work only if you push the buttons as fast as the system does when you use auto-dial. (Bill Spencer, Baltimore) In the Olympic biathlon, switch from cross-country to downhill skiing, and let the athletes shoot at each other. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Include property settlement and visitation rights in the marriage vows. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Before you take your pickup to the car wash, load your clothes, dishes, dog and kids in the back, each with the appropriate soap applied. Proceed. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Admit that you are powerless, believe in a power greater than yourself, and leave the other 10 steps to alcoholics who have more time on their hands than you do. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Create a series of Books on CD read by professional auctioneers. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Fertilize grass so it's more exciting to watch. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Binary Sudoku. (Robert W. Sprague, Alexandria) Reply to all e-mails, regardless of context and merit, with "OK." (John O'Byrne, on vacation in Vienna, Austria) TO MAKE LIFE GO SLOWER: Add a baseball halftime show. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Play charades in the dark. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Once a proud nation, you could add an unrelated clause to every sentence you speak. (Jeff Brechlin) Marry a gay person of the opposite sex. (Jeff Brechlin) Require Olympic contestants to travel to the Games from their home countries using only the skills they will use in the event they are entering. (Rick Haynes, Potomac; Kevin Dopart, Washington) Play 20 Questions with Alberto Gonzales. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) The best way to make time seem to go really slow is to start a fast. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Do your grocery shopping at the Giant next to Leisure World. (Peter Ostrander, Rockville) To make sex last longer: The woman would close her eyes, and the man would have to guess the EXACT COLOR of her eyes -- as she defines it -- before proceeding. (Roy Ashley, Washington) If everybody would just do 30 mph in the left lane, the way I do . . . (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Require all area drivers to be on the the roads each weekday from 6 to 9 a.m. and 4 to 7 p.m. For ironic humor, call this program "Rush Hour." (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) FASTERSLOWER PAIRS: To make life go faster: replace Metro escalators with water slides. To make life go slower: replace Metro UP escalators with water slides. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase) To make life go faster: When having trouble falling asleep, count rabbits. To make life go slower: Count sheep, but use Roman numerals. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) To make life go slower: See how far you can go with the needle on E. To make life go even slower: Ride with someone who likes to see how far he can go with the needle on E. (Larry Yungk) Next Week: We Err the World, or Atlas Mugged ====================================================================== WEEK 750, published January 26, 2008 Week 750: Hit Us With Your Best Shot: Photo Contest No. 4 It's the fourth Style Invitational photo contest, and this time we're doing it a bit differently. First of all, you have four weeks, not one, to submit entries. Second, rather than tell you what to put in your picture (e.g., fruits), this time we're asking you to illustrate, any way you like, any of the following five captions with your own original photo: I should have just stayed in bed today. Washington, D.C.: Sister City of Xplf, Planet Zornog Seventy-eight percent of Americans consider their pet "an equal member of the family." Chris has never been quite like the other kids. This is why it is important to read the directions on the package. Here are the rules, some of them different from typical Invitational contests: Photos must be your own work and not previously published. They can be prints (no larger than 5 by 7 inches, nonreturnable), or digital photos e-mailed as attachments 1 megabyte or smaller. You may digitally alter photos as long as you don't insert copyrighted material. You must include your real name, the best e-mail address for contacting you, your postal address and the caption that goes with your photo. You may enter as many photos as you like, but please send each digital photo in a separate e-mail to losers@washpost.com , with "Week 750" in the subject line. Send prints to Style Invitational Photo Contest, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline for entries is Feb. 25; winning photos will be published sometime in March. The winner, as usual, receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets this incredible wristwatch, actually purchased on Tiananmen Square by Longtime Loser Sarah W. Gaymon, depicting Chairman Mao waving his arm up and down once per second, Tomahawk Chop-style. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This contest was suggested by Larry Yungk of Arlington. The revised title for next week's contest is by Dave Prevar; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 746, in which we asked for mottoes or tourism slogans for countries around the world. As predicted, we got loads of stuff whose theme was basically "Here's a Country We Never Heard Of." What, you want a prize for trumpeting how ignorant you are? Sorry, the 2000 election is over. (Yes, we know that some of the lands below are not independent countries.) 4. France: Visit, If You Must. (Sigh.) (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) 3. Burma: What Happens Here REALLY Stays Here. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) 2. the winner of the can of quite possibly genuine Possum Ding Dongs: United States: We Make the World a Warmer Place (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) And the Winner of the Inker England: Lie Back and Think of Us (Tom Murphy, Bowie) The Mis-Universe Semi-Finalists Austria: No Kangaroos (John Alvey, Annandale, almost a First Offender -- his only other ink was in 1994) Bermuda: Come Lose Yourself (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Burkina Faso: Not Your Father's Upper Volta (George Vary, Bethesda) We need no signs Nor shaving cream Nor your dissent For our regime Burma. (Brendan Beary) Canada: Home of the Almighty Dollar (Kevin Dopart, Washington) China: Come Visit Your Money (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Colombia: All It's Cracked Up to Be (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Denmark: Oh, So Nothing's Rotten in YOUR Country? (Brendan Beary) England: We Couldn't Beat the Patriots Either (Bruce Evans, Arlington) France: [motto writers on strike in solidarity with the truffle sorters] (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Galapagos Islands: Guano Happens (Kevin Dopart) Germany: It Is Not Necessary to Have a Humorous Slogan (Martin Bancroft) Germany: Genocide Free Since 1945! (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Greenland: Site of the 2060 Summer Olympics (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.; Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) India: For More Information Press 1 (Matthew Morris, Rockville, a First Offender) Iran: We're Gonna Party Like It's 999 (Brendan Beary) Iran: World's Largest Non-American Theocracy (Ira Allen) Come Visit Liechtenstein: Just Don't All Come at Once (Brendan Beary) Mexico: A Little Less Crowded Every Day (Dan Milam, Paducah, Ky., a First Offender) Monaco: Disneylandfor Adults -- and Almost Twice as Large(Russell Beland, Springfield) Myanmar: We Liked "Burma" Better Too, but These Guys Have Guns (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Norway: Just a Little to the Left of Sweden (Matthew Morris) Pakistan: Heir Today, Gone Tomorrow (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Qatar: Wish U Were Here (Barry Koch) Tajikistan: Stan of Opportunity (Cy Gardner) Tibet: Doormat to China (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) United States: War Is Peace (Bill Moulden, Frederick) And Last: Bosnia: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves Herzegovina: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves Croatia: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves Serbia: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves Macedonia: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves Montenegro: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Next Week: BoeingUs Silly, or Oft-Pique Air Fare ====================================================================== WEEK 751, published February 2, 2008 Week 751: Strike Gold "I Wove Lucy": Documentary about Appalachian women who sew dolls based on "Peanuts" characters. "Charlie's Rangels": An A&E "Biography" installment on the New York congressman and his adorable family. Even people who are willing to watch "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" are beginning to figure out that the networks are starting to run out of "unscripted fare" as the writers' strike drags on (at least it was dragging at press time). Fairly New and Remarkably Successful Loser Christopher Lamora of Arlington suggests that we help them out. This week: Slightly change the name of an existing or former TV show to create a program that can scab the writers' strike -- a reality show, a game show, a news show, a documentary, anything but a fictional series with a plot, as in Christopher's examples above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a perfectly decorous khaki-colored baseball cap, donated by Dave Prevar. Decorous, that is, until you read the logo: It says "Puke & Snot," referring to the comedy duo that pops up at various Renaissance festivals. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@ washpost. com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 11. Put "Week 751" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland, who this week receives his -- gasp -- 1,200th blot of ink; this week's Honorable Mentions names are by Kevin Dopart and Ned Andrews, respectively. Keep Shooting! Photo Contest No. 4 We're still accepting entries for our photo contest to illustrate, humorously, any of five captions listed below. Deadline is Feb. 25; see the contest rules here: Week 750. I should have just stayed in bed today. Washington, D.C.: Sister City of Xplf, Planet Zornog Seventy-eight percent of Americans consider their pet "an equal member of the family." Chris has never been quite like the other kids. This is why it is important to read the directions on the package. Report From Week 747, in which we sought some amusing ways to improve the experience of airline travel. My, were you people bitter -- Heaven forbid that you are a fat person or a parent if you ever ride with these entrants. Numerous Losers suggested having the planes just travel on the ground; that passengers should get to vote people off the plane; potluck meals; and, for some reason, in-flight karaoke. Some people sent in ideas that were entirely too sensible, like one from Tom Witte of Montgomery Village that people without luggage should get to sit down first, or Steve Buttry's suggestion to change smoking lounges to cellphone lounges. 4. Have the first-class passengers board last, to spare the rest of us their smirks as we file in. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase; Rick Haynes, Potomac) 3. Parents with small children must wait to board the plane until after it has taken off. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 2. the winner of the VHS tape of "Fisher Price Little People Discovering Animals," one of the few items arguably more irritating than sitting for an hour on the tarmac: It works for FedEx: Instead of this complicated network of city-to-city flights, just send everyone to a holding pen in Memphis, and then when there are enough passengers for a flight to, say, Yazoo City, just load up and send them out! While waiting, passengers in the pen could fold napkins or something. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the Winner of the Inker Install removable tray tables. Then when the person in front of you reclines his seat to the supine position, you can place your tray, drinks and all, right on his face. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Starting Our Descent, or the Kilometer-High Club Install a timer that automatically pops open the bathroom door after three minutes of use. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Just take out that whole al-Qaeda cell of grannies with nail files and hand lotion and be done with it. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Serve the meals already in barf bags. (John Kupiec, Fairfax) Seat the smelly fat guys next to the screaming children: more space for the former, muffling the latter, and saving me from both. (Jacob Aldridge, Gaythorne, Australia, a First Offender) When the person in front of you reclines too far into your space, his entire seat snaps shut like a bear trap for the remainder of the flight. (Anne Paris, Arlington) Hire a second person to handle luggage at Dulles. (Steve Buttry, Herndon) Cut down on restroom use by giving passengers a third of a can of soft drink instead of half a can. And the airlines might save another $10 a flight! (Russell Beland, Springfield) In the spirit of paying people to give up their seats on overbooked flights, pay me for not buying a ticket in the first place. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) A free drink for everyone surrounding a crying baby; two free drinks for the baby. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Passengers are seated in sections based on personal appearance; you can use frequent-flier miles to upgrade from "Mildly Grotesque" to "Not Bad" or "Sorta Hot." (Jeff Brechlin) Land the planes backward to reduce that lurching feeling in the seat. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Oxygen masks are so sterile and uninteresting -- we should get replicas of attractive celebrities that inflate and drop from the ceilings for us to press our lips against. If oxygen still came out, even better. (Dan Ramish, Vienna) Allow infants and small children to relax during the flight inside specially padded and soundproofed overhead compartments in the rear of the plane. Water and food pellets can be provided as in guinea pig cages. (Roberta Wilkes, Seattle, a First Offender) Install onboard vending machines, so the flight attendants can concentrate on flying the plane. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Attach a toilet to the front of the beverage cart that's blocking the aisle. (Ben Aronin, Washington; Russ Taylor, Vienna) Award my mileage points on the basis of where my luggage travels. (Ellen Raphaeli) Everyone submits a photo when booking. At check-in, for $50 you can switch from the seat next to the fat guy or the 2-year-old to the seat next to the cute girl. For $100, she can get away from you and sit next to the fat guy. (Michael Fransella, Arlington) When passengers are trapped in a plane on the tarmac for more than five hours, they get to sell the plane and split the proceeds. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Create a no-frills airline called My Corporate Jet, so it sounds better when people ask how I got to the meeting. (Russ Taylor) Tape baseball cards to the wheels so the plane makes a cool race car noise as it takes off. (Steve Langer) During a long flight, we should be allowed to kick off our shoes and light up. -- Richard Reid, U.S. Ad-Max Facility, Florence, Colo. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Emergency slide Fridays! (Randy Lee, Burke) Next Week: Dead Letters, or The Dirge Report ====================================================================== WEEK 752, published February 9, 2008 Week 752: The Might-Mates Rite "You just might be a . . . if . . .": It's a joke form so well worn that you can see right through to the polka dots on its boxer shorts. But then again, so is the three-panel comic strip -- and it can still yield plenty of original humor in the hand of the right creator. That would be you, yes? This week: Fill out any of these five "you just might" joke-templates: You just might be an embarrassment to your child if . . . You just might be from Georgetown if . . . You just might not be an animal rights enthusiast if . . . You just might have a substance abuse problem if . . . You just might need a new car soon if . . . Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets this smolderin' cool J.S. Bach action figure, donated by Randy Lee of Burke. Okay, he may not be all that dynamic to look at, but he comes with a seriously sweet prop: a stool to sit on! Do that harpsichord thing, Sebastian! Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 18. Put "Week 752" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest and Honorable Mentions name were both suggested by Kevin Dopart. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle. Report From Week 748, our annual contest in which we seek poems about those who died in the previous year. As usual, we had far too many outstanding verses than we could fit in the paper; you can find more of the Honorable Mentions at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. 4. Jerry Falwell: Not for being greatly good -- Not because he knew he would -- Jerry Falwell's gone above, Unto his Creator's love, Spending every night and day With angels black and angels gay. God our Father knows us all well; Knows what's Hell for Jerry Falwell.( David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) 3. Lady Bird Johnson: Jackie's successor, a rather plain dresser, Was viewed by the press as much duller. For Lady Bird's way to enliven our day Was for highways to sparkle with color. A political wife, she spent most of her life With a blind eye to what Hubby sinned in. But on her ranch, though it slanted, She successfully planted Seven oak trees, four elms and one Lyndon. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) 2. winner of the Steve Irwin beanbag doll: Carlo Ponti, movie producer and husband of Sophia Loren: The Roman figure Ponti made great: XXXVIII-XXIV-XXXVIII (Ira Allen, Bethesda) And the Winner of the Inker Nonagenarian Skinny McNabb, Who, as you'd expect, wasn't fat, Whose stats with the Tigers were scanty and drab (He whiffed in his only at-bat), Has laid down his burden of tears and fatigue, But now something sweeter he savors: He plays every day in the Afterlife League, Picked up by the Angels on waivers. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Stiff Competition: Honorable Mentions John Backus, developer of the Fortran programming language in early computers: I had compiled my last regards But then I dropped my batch of cards. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Barbaro, in Heaven, was asked by "the Shoe": What's a crummy joint doing in a nice horse like you? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Benazir Bhutto: She made herself a target Too big to be ignored, So Pakistan's onetime PM Received Urdu reward. -- P. Musharraf, Islamabad (Brendan Beary) Benazir's protectors Would have to be dismayed; It's simpler killing leaders Than covers of Parade. (Kevin Dopart) Ernest Gallo: How often have I said, I wonder now: "A loaf of bread, a box of wine and thou"? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Johnny Hart: Higgledy piggledy "B.C.'s" creator was Sure his hereafter was Shiny and bright: Ultra-conservative, Rigidly Christian, and Smugly in Heaven now (if he was right). (Anne Paris, Arlington) Leona Helmsley: Leona's checked out, and the throng of her former Employees all hope she's now lodged somewhere warmer: A place where Beelzebub gets the last laugh By treating his guests the way she treated staff. (Brendan Beary) Molly Ivins: Enjoy a calm retirement, Dubya; Molly's not around to "Shrub" ya. (David Smith) Marcel Marceau: For you Marcel, O mime sublime, Imaginary bells now chime. Farewell to life and all its violence: It's RIP for Bip -- the rest is ___ . (Jeff Brechlin) He listened to his mom's advice: "If you can't say something nice . . ." (Kevin Dopart) Luciano Pavarotti: At last Pavarotti is resting in peace. He'd let himself go, and it showed. Let's face it, the guy had become so obese, He had his own aria code. (Brendan Beary) Higgledy piggledy Charles Nelson Reilly a- Mused us for decades, but Died in '07. Brett Somers also died Coincidentally, Henceforth ensuring A Match Game in Heaven. (Sue Fialkoff, North Potomac, a First Offender) Phil Rizzuto: For Scooter, the years have exacted their toll. Now this Hall of Fame shortstop plays deep in the hole. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Mstislav Rostropovich: Saint Peter asked, "Can we admit this Rostropovich fellow?" God said, smiling, in reply: "There's always room for cello." (Peter Metrinko) Wally Schirra: Bravely flew through space to probe it; Circled Earth, is now in obit. Broke the bonds of life unhampered And, you can be sure, un-Pampered. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Anna Nicole Smith: Her life was weird and sad, and her death was even more so. But when the tabloids leave, she'll still be famous for her torso. (Anne Paris) Now Ike Turner's off the street; They say he never missed a beat. (Beverley Sharp) Whakahuihui Vercoe, New Zealand Anglican leader: Archbishop Vercoe has at last been laid low, And I hate to speak ill of a Kiwi, But still, I just snicker to muse how a vicar Gets by with the name "Whakahuihui." (Brendan Beary) When Helen Walton, 87, Knocks upon the gates of Heaven, Sam, her husband, not Saint Peter, Stands inside to meet and greet her. (Chris Doyle) Boris Yeltsin: On top of a vehicle, fist in the air, His nose all beet red, there stood Boris. He called for democracy, said, "Let's be fair!" And appealed to that mass Russian chorus. He then ruled for eight years until he resigned; 'Twas his time, then, to head for the door. So he picked up his vodka, left the Kremlin behind, Saying, "I simply can't Putin no more." (Christopher Lamora) And Last: A tragic loss! Farewell to you: Sunday Comics, Section 2. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) Next Week: Opus 266, No. 3, or Flexicology More Honorable Mentions from Week 748 of The Style Invitational, poems about those who died in 2007: For Robert Adler, the bell now tolls (Inventor of remote controls). But don't get up, for that won't do; If you would, just lift your brew. And while a bugle taps does toot, A moment of silence (please press Mute). (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Delaware) Ivo Cappo, Papua New Guinean magistrate, death by stoning: I don't doubt there'd been provocations; The full truth may never be known, But who can resist the Temptations With "Papua's Rolling Stone"? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Jerry Falwell: Smickety smackety, Smug Jerry Falwell knew Just what the rest of us Ought to believe. He ran the gamut of Insensibility. Millions may miss him, but Many don't grieve. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) From Lynchburg, Jerry thundered on, A true Virginia ham. But none of his theology Was worth a Tinky's dam. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Leona Helmsley: The Queen of Mean bought fine hotels, Got taxing time in jailhouse cells. Bought stuff to give the Palace charm. Bought Trouble. Now she's bought the farm. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) How hard they hunted Howard Hunt For that office break-in stunt. 'Twas Nixon, though, to be quite blunt, Who was to blame -- oh, what a disagreeable person. (Jacob Aldridge, Gaythorne, Australia) Lady Bird Johnson: Take a sec, and say a word Of gratitude to Lady Bird Who took advantage of her station Planting our entire nation. I think that we can take for granted A rose will rise from where she's planted. (Mae Scanlan) Evel Knievel: (I) He tempted; he taunted. Death's byways he haunted. His daring he flaunted. "Can't catch me!" he said. But one night a chortle Was heard at his portal. Knievel, mere mortal, Expired in his bed. (Jan Stoehr, Arlington) (II) Higgledy piggledy Evel Knievel soared Over wide canyons to Make his big mark; Over-testosteroned, Or just a moron? Which- Ever the reason, he's Jumped his last shark. (Anne Paris, Arlington) (III) Higgledy piggledy Evel Knievel, a Vaulter of canyons, a Dude with a past. Switching mechanics and Flying with Jesus, he Jumped to conclusions: Grounded at last. (Coilin Owens, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) Ira Levin: Wrote of death, which traps us all; except, perhaps, just maybe Hitler clones and Stepford wives and one demonic baby. (Randy Lee, Burke) Carlo Ponti, husband of Sophia Loren: Carlo Ponti Sr. wed but once during his life. Understandable that was, considering the wife. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Al Oerter, discus champion Gold medals in Tokyo, Melbourne and Rome, And Mexico City as well; It seemed that for Al, the top platform was home; He always found ways to excel. The other competitors always looked sad To nearby observant reporters; It's not that their own throws were anything bad -- They only were following Oerter's. (Brendan Beary) Luciano Pavarotti: Higgledy piggledy, L. Pavarotti was Famed for his singing (and Also his girth). Sadly he perished, most Unprovidentially. Boosters still think he's the Greatest in earth. (Mae Scanlan) Charles Nelson Reilly led The cast of Match Game's crazies. Brett Somers fed him straight lines; They both now push up BLANK. (Brendan Beary) Mstislav Rostropovich: A whiz of a conductor and a master on the cello, A caring friend who never put on airs, despite his fame. There's just one nasty trait we can attribute to the fellow: Sadistically insisting that we call him by his name. (Brendan Beary) Anna Nicole Smith: (I) Your frame and your impiety brought fame and notoriety; The tabloids fed us every bite of every impropriety. The pics by paparazzi always focused on your cleavage, While steamy Playboy features showed us not a fig of leafage. The mainstream press was just as bad, their coverage appalling: They robbed you of your dignity in ways we found just galling. Despite the sordid coverage, I've one question left to pose: With you face up, just how'd they get the casket lid to close? (Bob Dalton, Arlington) (II) The drugs, the dads, the tabloid press; They all left Anna cold; But she's still hot in Peter's Book 'Cause she's the centerfold. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Kurt Vonnegut: O College Life! What's not to like? The trashing of the dorms, The bland repudiation of your stupid bourgeois norms, The booze, the weed, the girls demurely blowing lunch in chunks, The clanging Weltanschauung of bewhiskered Marxist punks! Well, I did none of that! I was a bookish, nerdy twerp, I greeted my professors with a self-effacing chirp. But, oh, I had my Vonnegut, with Mozart on the Bose! And now he's gone, so say it all together: "So it goes." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Marcel Marceau and Washoe the chimp: Two who uttered not a word Last year got themselves interred. Washoe couldn't "speak," although He got on like Marcel Marceau. Gestures and gesticulations Were, for both, communications. There's one distinction to impart: Chimps are science, frogs are art. (Brendan Beary) Rex Humbard, Tammy Faye Bakker and Jerry Falwell (and Ike Turner, Kurt Waldheim and Leona Helmsley) In Heaven just the other day, The dear departed Tammy Faye Ran into her old acquaintance Rex. Said the former Mrs. Bakker, "It's so nice to meet our Maker, Though I'm quite bewildered and perplexed. There's Ike Turner playing blues, And Kurt Waldheim helping Jews, Even Mrs. Helmsley being merry. But I've inspected everywhere, And I've found neither hide nor hair Of our former colleague Reverend Jerry." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 753, published February 16, 2008 Week 753 Hot Off The Riddle What do you get when you cross an automobile with a household animal? Wholesome answer: A carpet! Style Invitational answer: In Kentucky, dinner. We like to reach a broad readership here at The Washington Post: the Neiman Marcus habitue and the Wal-Mart bargain hunter, the sports fan and the arts aficionado, the wholesome sane person and the depraved cynical reprobate. In this spirit we offer this week's contest, suggest by Wholesome Sane Loser Peter Metrinko of Chantilly, the same Mr. Metrinko who posed for this publication with his face sticking out of his underpants. This week: Supply a simple riddle and both the wholesome answer and the (printable) Invitational answer. The wholesome riddles don't have to be original (you can find many online; Googling "riddles for kids" yields plenty), but the Invitational answers must be. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, just in time to be late for Saint Patrick's Day, two fine prizes: brought back from Ireland by Beverley Sharp, a cute little ceramic ashtray in the shape of a toilet, decorated with shamrocks and the words "Rest your ash"; and brought back from Ireland by Wilson Varga of Alexandria, who happened to visit Loser 4 Ever John O'Byrne in Dublin, a shamrock-theme yo-yo. (John, by the way, reports that he plans to cross the pond in May simply to attend the Losers' annual award banquet, the Flushies. Talk about your shamrock-theme yo-yos.) Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 25. Put "Week 753" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Dave Prevar; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Zarrow. Report From Week 749, in which we asked you to come up with entirely new meanings for existing words beginning with A- through H-, so that "Opus" cartoonist Berkeley Breathed wouldn't have to use our old ones anymore. The Empress received untold zillions of entries for this contest -- so many that she's spreading the results over this week and next, with two sets of prizes. Kevin Dopart of Washington alone sent 288 entries. So when you see his name over and over below, just remember that the vast majority of Kevin's entries were blithely tossed into the trash, just as yours were. Some of the results play a little hard to get, as it were: You have to pronounce the vowels in the word differently or break the syllables differently, or both. For example, "Headdress: Mister," by (who else) Kevin Dopart, is supposed to be read "he-address." Entries firmly of this type are italicized. We also received some very clever descriptions of the words' actual meanings. Among the best of these was "Head cold: Rheum at the Top," by Chris Doyle. We'll do that contest again sometime, too. 4. Book: Ms. Derek, now that she's no longer a 10. (Alistair Beck, North Saanich, B.C., a First Offender) 3. Conning tower: A Madison Avenue skyscraper. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) 2. the winner of the "Many Moods of Farrah" doll-head shadow box: Cremate: Coffee-Mate's unsuccessful initial brand name. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker Arms Akimbo: The notorious Nigerian gunrunner. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Low Def: Honorable Mentions Abjectness: The degree to which your belly protrudes. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Adverb: Buy! (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire, England) Accordion: The result of a Honda's collision with a Peterbilt. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Alabaster: How a lesbian couple's baby might be conceived. (Jean Lightner Norum, Charlottesville) Algebra: Lingerie worn by mermaids. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Apostle: What a Bostonian takes to the post office. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Arsenal: Completely, all-inclusive. (Bird Waring, New York) Aspiration: the trickle of sweat that runs down past your back on a hot summer day. (Morris Davis, Gainesville, a First Offender) Ballpark: An athletic supporter. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) Bandage: Instruments, amps, mikes, cocaine, etc. (Tom Witte) Bandicoots: The Rolling Stones. (Gary Hevel, Silver Spring) Barfly: To get airsick. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Barstool: The [stuff] a lawyer tells you. (Russell Beland) Bassoonist: An optimistic fisherman. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Bedpan: An unfavorable MySpace review after a hookup. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Benchmark: Telltale sign on the rear end of a third-string player. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Biceps: Half of a forceps. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Binary: This is another thing that's true of Iran. -- M. Ahmadinejad (Kevin Dopart) Blunderbuss: To French-kiss your boss's wife at the office Christmas party. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Bombard: A battlefield poet. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Boron: A chem major at a party. (Kevin Dopart) Braid: The part of the male consciousness that drives him to look at a women's chest. (Russell Beland) Bristling: A newly circumcised baby. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Bumpkin: A hit man from the Family. (Beverley Sharp) Buttonhole: What Asians call a Western toilet. (Dan Ramish, Vienna) Camel toe: The toe of a camel. (Peter Metrinko) Cardamom: A bar's policy to flatter middle-aged women by always asking for ID. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Catapult: A hairball. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Charmed: Burn ointment. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis) Cherish: Describing many a drag queen. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Coliseum: Lassie finds Timmy. (Ellen Raphaeli) Crayfish: Not nearly as impressive as IBM chess. (Kevin Dopart) Cryptic: The Triple-A Driving Tour of Famous Cemeteries. (Mel Loftus) Cupola: Breast enhancement scams. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Danger: Someone who uses only the mildest swear words. (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.) Davenport: A safe place for Jews to pray. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Distribute: A nasty eulogy. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Dowager: To bet on the Pillsbury Bake-Off. (Phyllis Reinhard) Eggs Benedict: The pope's edict on fertility treatments. (Paul Kocak) Effrontery: The missionary position. (Tom Witte) Electrocute: Use a Hello Kitty taser. (Kevin Dopart) Electrons: Supporter of Rep. Paul -- highly charged, with an eccentric orbit. (Ben Aronin, Washington) Empty-handed: Punished by a Saudi court. (Chris Doyle) Exorbitant: A former astronaut. (Phyllis Reinhard) Fahrenheit: Moderately tall. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Fan letter: K. (Chris Doyle) Flaccid: Lousy LSD. (Randy Lee, Burke) Flatus: The region between the Appalachians and the Rockies. (Randy Lee) Foliage: A class of congressional pages. (Dan Ramish) Gamma ray: Norma's nana. (Phyllis Reinhard) G-spot: A mild reproach to a dog. (Duncan Seed) Halitosis: The disease your computer gets when it refuses to do what you want it to do. (Bill Spencer, Baltimore) Harlot: Someone who'll laugh on and on at any stupid joke the boss makes. (Paul Kocak) Hispanic: What Lou Dobbs demonstrates every time he opens his mouth about immigration. (Christopher Lamora) Hoaxer: Jack the Ripper. (Phyllis Reinhard) Hootenannies : A restaurant where all the waitresses are grandmas in tight T-shirts. (Mel Loftus) Hungarian: Someone who's always on a diet. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Next Week: More of the Same, or The Language Gone to H Aw, Shoot! Photo Contest No. 4 We're still accepting entries for our photo contest to illustrate, humorously, any of five captions we supplied. Deadline is Feb. 25; see the captions and the contest rules here: Week 750. ====================================================================== NO WEEK NUMBER; published February 23, 2008 Get In Your Last Shot: Photo Contest's Final Days No new contest this week. While the sun never seems to set on the Empress, even she ventures outside the Forbidden City once in a while. Meanwhile, there's still enough time to e-mail us -- the deadline is Monday night -- with entries for our Week 750 contest to illustrate, humorously with your own original photo, any of five captions we supplied: · I should have just stayed in bed today. · Washington, D.C.: Sister City of Xplf, Planet Zornog · Seventy-eight percent of Americans consider their pet "an equal member of the family." · Chris has never been quite like the other kids. · This is why it is important to read the directions on the package. The rules: Photos must be your own work and not previously published. E-mail them as attachments 1 megabyte or smaller. You may digitally alter photos as long as you don't insert copyrighted material. You must include your real name, the best e-mail address for contacting you, your postal address and the caption that goes with your photo. You may enter as many photos as you like, but please send each digital photo in a separate e-mail to losers@washpost.com, with "Week 750" in the subject line. Deadline for entries is Feb. 25; winning photos will be published sometime in March. The winner, as usual, receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a wristwatch purchased on Tiananmen Square by Longtime Loser Sarah W. Gaymon, depicting Chairman Mao waving his arm up and down. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Brad Alexander. More Report From Week 749, the contest in which we asked you to supply new meanings for common English words beginning with A- through H-, so people like cartoonist Berkeley Breathed of "Opus" wouldn't have to steal the ones from a contest we did in 1998: As we noted last week, entries to this contest arrived by the thousands (including 288 from Kevin Dopart of Washington, who is, believe it or not, employed full time in the private sector), and there were so many worthies that we're spreading them over two weeks, with two sets of prizes. As with last week's results, we've italicized entries in which the word has to be pronounced very differently, such as Catholic: The lady whose house smells like six litter boxes. (Yes, that one's by Kevin Dopart, too.) 4.Automated: Got lucky in the back seat. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 3. Coping saw: "Look on the sunny side of life." (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) 2. Gramophone: A landline that's, like, attached to a wall in an old person's house. (Anne Paris, Arlington) And the Winner of the Inker Hippocampus: A weight loss spa. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) More Misconstruisms: Honorable Mentions Acquit: What your central air does in late July. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Addiction: The incomprehensible speed-talking at the end of TV commercials explaining that that amazing discount doesn't actually apply to you. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Adjunct: To purchase useless items at a garage sale. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Airstrip: Pretend to take off your clothes. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Ampere: A French father's birth announcement. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Analogy: What is to proctology as penology is to criminology. (Jack Held, Fairfax) Aspic: Just don't confuse it with a tootpic. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) Atomizer: In the Reader's Digest Condensed Old Testament, the account of the First Man's first glimpse of his mate. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Attenuate: The explanation for your all-night heartburn. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Auburn: The downside to having the Midas touch. (Christopher Lamora) Austere: What you say when the helmsman won't shut up. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Bag ladies: What single gentlemen try to do. (Christopher Lamora) Bambino: Anti-gas additive to baby food. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Bondsman: A steroid dealer. (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire, England) Borehole: A person who manages to be dull and offensive simultaneously. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Bracket creep: That obnoxious guy in your March Madness office pool. (Ed Conti, Raleigh) Bratwurst: The most offensive child in day care. (George Selby, Alexandria, a First Offender) Buggery: The original name considered for the Smithsonian's Insect Zoo. (Tom Witte) Bumbling: Butt cheek piercings. (Kevin Dopart) Burnish: The too-late feeling one gets from forgetting to apply sunscreen. "I started to feel burnish half an hour into mowing the lawn." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Cantata: Someone who fills out a dress everywhere. (Kevin Dopart) Cellulose: Any phone we buy the kids. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Chattel: The company that makes Sweatshop Barbie. (Kevin Dopart) Chickweed: Virginia Slims. (Ellen Raphaeli) Circumference: A meeting of mohels. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Conjugate: Wear falsies. (Jack Held) Colorfast: To wear all black during Lent. (Mel Loftus) Contemporary: A prison escape artist. (Kevin Dopart) Contender: A goal of penal rehabilitation. (Brad Alexander) Curtailment: The mutual sniffing routine that dogs do. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Decadent: That new wrinkle you get every 10 years. (Tom Witte) Declasse: Expelled. (Brendan Beary) Department: A funeral home. (Tom Witte) Depress: Reporters for the New York Post. (Mel Loftus) Deranged: Forcibly removed from the kitchen. "Jack was promptly deranged after setting down the milk jug on the still-warm stove burner." (Bill Spencer, Baltimore) Dictators: Long, thin tubers found in Third World countries. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Direction: What Prince Charles had at least twice. (Kevin Dopart) Dreaming: The chewing-out your boss gives you when he finds you nodding off at your desk. (Brad Alexander) Endow: To sit on a tack. (Kevin Dopart) Example: A woman who's had breast reduction surgery. (Steve Offutt) Fixer-upper: A temporary dental plate. (Chris Doyle) Flagellation: Beating on your political opponent by questioning his patriotism. (Peter Metrinko) Fling: A minor epithet. (Kevin Dopart) Footstool: Dog do that's stuck on your shoe. (Ben Aronin, Washington) Fulcrum: A supermodel's big meal. (Brendan Beary) Gallows: PMS. (Chris Doyle) Grapple: To try to figure out all the features on your iPhone. (Brad Alexander) Harbinger: Someone who watches the whole 12-hour "Three Stooges" marathon. (Kevin Dopart) Hebetude: Chutzpah. (Jay Shuck) Herpetologist: What Paris calls her Chihuahua's vet. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Hexagon: One's shape after exorcise. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Homogenized: What the religious right fears our youth will become if public schools teach tolerance toward gay people. (Peter Metrinko) Next Week: Strike Gold, or Chuck Your Local Listings ====================================================================== WEEK 754, published March 1, 2008 Week 754 Canny Similarities Jesus said: "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) Elvis said: "Drinks on me!" ("Jailhouse Rock," 1957) No one is really sure if Elvis's middle name was Aron or Aaron. No one is really sure what the H in "Jesus H. Christ" stands for. The examples above are two of the "uncanny similarities" between the King and, well, the King that are featured on a list that's been spinning through cyberspace, evidently anonymously, for more than a decade, and brought to our attention by Loser Randy Lee. This week: Cite a humorous "uncanny similarity" between any two of the very different people listed below. (Note that the list includes neither Elvis nor Jesus.) Mohandas K. Gandhi Montgomery Burns Britney Spears Napoleon Bonaparte Eleanor Roosevelt Tiger Woods Archduke Franz Ferdinand Bill Clinton Groucho Marx Jane Austen Moses Morticia Addams Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a nifty (for those with a low standard of niftiness) board game called Beat the Beltway, donated by Peter Metrinko of suburbia, in which players roll dice and draw cards in a race to get to various Washington area destinations. The compact board fits perfectly on a driver's lap. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 10. Put "Week 754" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Drew Bennett. Report From Week 751, in which we asked you to help supply new "unscripted TV fare" to the writer-struck networks by slightly changing the title of a current or past TV show. Just the prospect of your generosity was enough to send the producers scrambling back to the bargaining table to work out an agreement days later. We could program every cable channel for years with the entries submitted for this contest. Some of the most commonly offered titles: "American Idle," "You Bet Your Wife," "Manics," "C*A*S*H," "Bob's New Heart." 4. "No Dime for Sergeants": A report on the Army's uncompetitive pay scale. (Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.) 3. "America's Moat Wanted": Lou Dobbs and the anti-immigration crowd insist that a 2,000-mile fence is not enough. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 2. the winner of the "Puke & Snot" ball cap:"Missionary: Impossible": A documentary exploring the sex lives of the extremely obese. (Dean Evangelista, Rockville) And the Winner of the Inker "Thee's Company": The history of the Quaker Oats empire. (Wilson Varga, Alexandria) Half Nielsens: Honorable Mentions "Talcum in the Middle": A Lifetime Channel special on treating diaper rash. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Where in the World Is San Diego, Carmen?": Game show producers make lemonade out of Americans' geographical illiteracy. (Brendan Beary) "1 vs. 101": Michael Vick is locked in a big cage with a pack of vengeful Dalmatians. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) "My Car, the Mother!": Ralph Nader rants about his Detroit lemon. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) "Gently, Ben": Alan Greenspan offers advice to his successor on how to achieve a soft landing in a bear market. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) "Mister Roget's Neighborhood": PBS show lists synonyms for Word of the Week. (G. Smith, New York) "The A-Teat": Yet another reality show about runway models. (Ralph Scott, Washington; Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) "To Yell the Truth": An exposé of secrets learned from waterboarding; an experiment in the one-minute documentary format. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) "CBS Evening Muse With Dan Rather": Each night the reinstated news anchor simply describes news stories he wishes were true. (Russell Beland) "Monday Night Foot": The chronicle of a fetishist's weekly tour of shoe stores. (Laura Miller, Chantilly) "Everybody Loves Ramen": Four 18-year-old guys learn to flush the toilet, not put laundry detergent in the dryer, and other life lessons in their first year away from home. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis; Judith Cottrill, New York) "Picket Feces": A quiet suburb is traumatized by an irresponsible dog walker. (Brendan Beary) "One Lay at a Time": No, no, it's just a contest to see if you really can go without a second potato chip in one sitting. (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria) "Man Icks": Women try to outdo each other with tales about how gross their husbands are. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "Two and a Quarter Men": The legal machinations between siblings over their father's cryogenically frozen head. (J.P. Devine, Arlington, a First Offender) "Gimme a Beak": A family of 10 stretches a single chicken. (J. Larry Schott) "America's Next Top Mohel": Contestants vie to produce the most creative circumcisions; every week someone gets cut. (Jerrie Olson, Frederick, a First Offender; Brendan Beary) "Gilligan's Isthmus": In this reality show, seven shipwrecked people live as castaways because they are too stupid just to walk back to civilization. (Russell Beland) "America Underclover": Each week forensics experts dig up corpses and examine their states of decomposition. (Michelle Stupak) "Antique Broad Show": "The View." (Brendan Beary) "Secret Pageant Man": Expos¿ about the transsexual who was once crowned Miss America. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) "The Newly Fed Game": Infants are pitted against each other to see who can burp the loudest and spit up the farthest. (George Smith, Frederick) "Touched by an Anvil": A Wile E. Coyote marathon. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) "Deal or No Meal": A report on children being forced to work the blackjack tables in Bangkok casinos. (Chris Doyle) "Hawaii Five Ho": Live from Honolulu, Don Imus and the out-for-revenge Rutgers women's basketball team in a smackdown cage match! (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) "Unsmoke": A lone marshal attempts to enforce the cigarette ban in Dodge City's restaurants. (Russell Beland) "Father Knows Breast": Extreme body makeovers. (Ted Weitzman, Olney) "Dine Nasty": Miss Manners outs people who chew with their mouths open and pick their teeth with their forks. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) "The Dorks of Hazard": Actuaries and consultants sit around conducting risk analysis. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) "The Straights of San Francisco": Documentary about the little-known other side of that great city. (Jim Ward, Manassas) "Last Vegas": Car restorers halfheartedly work on the final specimens of this loser Chevy model. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) "DUMB3RS": Remedial math classes on cable access. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "The Untouché-ables": A year with an undefeated fencing team. (Russell Beland) "Mister Codger's Neighborhood": A day in the life of Leisure World. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) "Dadwood": The life of Soon-Yi Previn. Tonight's pilot: "Married . . . to Children." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) "Seers": A report on a bar where everybody, including total strangers, knows your name. (Lynn Hunt, Woolford, Md., a First Offender) "The Flying: None": An anthology focusing each week on a different traveler's adventures on Sept. 12, 2001. (Russell Beland) "Beget Smart": Tips on having more intelligent babies. (Randall Kunkel, Spotsylvania, Va.) And Last: "Gypardy": Departing from recent trends, this game show asks really difficult questions for ridiculously low-value prizes like T-shirts and magnets. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Next Week: The Might-Mates Rite, or Where's the Be-If? ====================================================================== WEEK 755, published March 8, 2008 Week 755: Take Another Whack Lusted-after Style Invitational arugula: What we're considering for an alternative Honorable Mention prize Back in 2004 -- so far back that the Empress didn't even have a case of tiara-hair yet -- we ran a contest asking for Googlewhacks: two-word phrases that produced one and only one Google hit. Of course, the realm of Google has expanded so enormously in the past four years that it's going to be a wayyyy tougher challenge (and vastly harder than last year's Googlenope contest to send in something that didn't get a hit), but so be it. This week: Send us a phrase of two or more words that produces exactly one Web page on the Google search engine -- you may either use quotation marks around the phrase or omit them -- and describe the phrase. You may disregard those Web pages that consist of nothing but lists of words, though if one of those produces your Googlewhack, that's fine. Please include, along with each entry, the address of the Web page where you found the Googlewhack; the page must be dated earlier than March 7, 2008, so don't go posting your own phrase and then just happen to find it. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this double-life-size inflatable Chihuahua, donated by Loser Russ Taylor and currently sitting guard on the Empress's desk in the Style section newsroom. Squeeze its leg and it makes a sound only slightly less horrible than the sound an actual Chihuahua would make if you squeezed its actual leg. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 17. Put "Week 755" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 5.. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Kevin Dopart, who, despite his astonishing 300-plus inks, didn't start entering the Invitational until Week 626 and didn't know we'd done this contest in Week 566. The revised title for next week's results is by Drew Bennett. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russell Beland. Report From Week 752, in which we asked for takes on the old "you just might be a . . ." joke form in various categories we supplied. Many parents offered that you just might be an embarrassment to your child "if you exist." 4. You just might be from Georgetown . . . if your basketball team can beat up your football team. (Randy Lee, Burke) 3. You just might need a new car soon . . . if every 3,000 miles, you change the duct tape. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 2. the winner of the J.S. Bach action figure: You just might not be an animal rights enthusiast . . . if you had your dog put down for chewing on your fur coat. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) And the Winner of the Inker You just might not be an animal rights enthusiast . . . if your favorite animal is "wherever baby back ribs come from." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) You just might deserve a magnet for . . . You just might be an embarrassment to your child . . . . . . if you insist on taking your son's temperature with a rectal thermometer, despite his wife's protestations. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) . . . if you send text messages letting your daughter's friends know that "she's a woman now." (Jeff Brechlin) . . . if you decide to join in the fun and dress up as a wizard for the school parade -- and it's the Black History Month parade. (Anne Paris, Arlington) . . . if on your sonogram, the fetus makes a "no pictures!" gesture with his hand. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) . . . if the seat of your size 3X sweat pants says "Juicy." (Judith Cottrill, New York) . . . if, when driving your 13-year-old and his girlfriend to the movies, you give them a lecture about unprotected sex. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) You just might be from Georgetown . . . . . . if you find yourself instinctively grabbing a free parking place nowhere near your destination, because God knows when you'll find another one. And you're in Wichita. (Anne Paris) . . . if the only Metro you've been on was in Paris. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) . . . if the art in your house is worth more than the house. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) . . . if you have an orthopedist, an allergist, a urologist, a gastroenterologist and an ophthalmologist on retainer. And that's for your cat. (Tom Murphy, Bowie) You just might not be an animal rights enthusiast . . . . . . if you consistently bowl over 200 when using armadillos. (Jeff Brechlin) . . . if you test all your cosmetics on your pets anyway. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) . . . if your favorite toy as a child was a magnifying glass. (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.) . . . if your parrot will speak only its name, rank and serial number. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) . . . if you wonder why anyone would pay more to take a cat to the vet than it costs to buy a new cat. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) You just might have a substance abuse problem . . . . . . if Amy Winehouse tells you to go to rehab. (Pam Sweeney) . . . if you order the coq au vin and tell the waiter to hold the coq. (Gregory Dunn, Alexandria, not a First Offender but last heard from in 1997) . . . if you go to the altar railing five times in a row at Mass, wearing various disguises, to partake of the chalice. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) . . . if each morning you need some hair of the horse tranquilizer that bit you. (Chuck Smith) . . . if your chest X-ray comes out in sepia. (Chuck Smith) . . . if you believe God gave you two livers for a purpose. (Jacob Aldridge, Gaythorne, Australia) . . . if you called in sick to work three times in one morning. (Kurt Riefner, Fairbanks, Alaska) You just might need a new car soon . . . . . . if your current one is worth less than the bribe you have to pay to get an inspection sticker. (Chris Doyle, on vacation in Aswan, Egypt) . . . if it is your father's Oldsmobile. (Ira Allen) . . . if your mechanic is storing part of his CD collection in your glove box. (Mike Pool, Vienna) . . . if hitting potholes is the only way to make the headlights come on. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) . . . if your mechanic has to use his connections in Havana to get parts. (Jim McClellan, Alexandria; Russ Taylor, Vienna) . . . if the panhandlers at red lights slip dollar bills in your window. (Tom Murphy) . . . if the OnStar lady keeps directing you toward a ravine. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) . . . if the fuzzy dice are the only original parts. The left one, anyway. (Jay Shuck) . . . if the ashtrays in the back seat are full. -- P. Hilton, Los Angeles (Russell Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Hit Us With Your Best Shot, or The F-Stops Here ====================================================================== WEEK 756, published March 15, 2008 Week 756: Mess With Our Heads Penguin Book Ban Reconsidered 'Aw, Let the Poor Birds Read if They Want,' Zookeeper Pleads Take any headline, verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Post or on w ashingtonpost.com from March 15 through 24 and reinterpret it by adding a "bank head," or subtitle (like the joke bank head offered under the actual Post headline above). Please include the date and page number of the headline you're citing from the paper; for Web articles, give the date and copy a sentence or two of the story (or, better, just copy the whole URL) . You don't have to use the entire length of the headline, but don't skip words or use snippets that distort the meaning of the original. Headlines in ads and subheads within an article can be used, too; photo captions cannot. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a ballpoint pen that, on the push of a button, emits a fluorescent-looking light and the most earsplitting version of "The Star-Spangled Banner" this side of Roseanne (it does not grab its crotch, however). Donated by Loser Russell Beland. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 24. Put "Week 756" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results and this week's Honorable Mentions name are by Kevin Dopart of Washington. Report From Week 750, the Invitational's fourth photo humor contest, in which we supplied five captions and you were invited to submit your own pictures to match them. We can conclude from this exercise that most people think that our own children and pets -- especially if we put a hat on them -- are a heck of a lot funnier than other people think they are. Cute, yes. Soooo cute. Funny, only kind of. View the Gallery Next Week: Hot Off the Riddle, or Ask-It Cases ====================================================================== WEEK 757, published March 22, 2008 Week 757: Gorey Thoughts From A to Z U is for Undies you no longer wear. V's for the Vistas we hope you don't share. Edward Gorey did it famously and fabulously with his "Gashlycrumb Tinies," but he restricted his wickedly funny verses to various ways in which children suffered terrible deaths. You have freer rein to summon up all matter of edgy pairings, such as the example above that Loser Kevin Dopart offered along with his idea for this contest. This week: Send us some rhyming alphabet-primer couplets. The pairs are AB, CD, EF, GH, IJ, KL, MN, OP, QR, ST, UV, WX and YZ. You can go ahead and send all 13, but the Empress already knows that your complete set will not get ink in its entirety. If it were good enough it would, but it won't be. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives both a Loser T-shirt plus a T-shirt, donated by Loser Since High School Beth Baniszewski of Somerville, Mass., that reads, "Maybe if this shirt is witty enough someone will finally love me." Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 31. Put "Week 757" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 19. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Phil Frankenfeld. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Prevar. Report From Week 753, in which we asked you to submit short riddles, either well-known ones or your own, and supply both the for-normal-people answer and the not-for-normal-people Style Invitational answer. Sent by a half dozen people: Q: When is a door not a door? Normal answer: When it's ajar. SI answer: When he ODs in a Paris bathtub. 4. When things go wrong, what can you always count on? Normal answer: Your fingers. Style Invitational answer: Your toes, if the thing that went wrong was you lost your hands. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3. What did the philosophy major say to the hot dog vendor? N: Make me one with everything. SI: What else have you been doing since we graduated? (Kim Zelonis, Chicago, a First Offender) 2. winner of the the shamrock-themed yo-yo and toilet-shaped ashtray: When is it bad luck to meet a black cat? N: When you're a mouse. SI: When that cat isn't cool enough to take a simple joke. -- Michael Richards, Hollywood (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) And the Winner of the Inker What is yours, but your friends use it more than you do? Normal answer: Your name. Style Invitational answer: Your sister. (Kelton Vincent, Rockville, a First Offender) More Enigma Variations What's white and fluffy and thumps its chest? N: A meringue-utan. SI: John McCain discussing his defense strategy. (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) What invention lets you look right through a wall? N: A window! SI: The HobbyHome Termite Farm Kit! (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) What do you call two banana peels? N: A pair of slippers. SI: A balanced meal in Cuba. (Russell Beland, Springfield) What do you call pigs who write letters to each other? N: Pen pals. SI: Lawyers. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) A boy buys a fishing pole that is 6 feet 3 inches long. As he goes to get on the bus, the driver tells him he can't bring anything longer than six feet. The boy goes back to town, he buys one more thing, and the bus driver allows him on. What did he buy? N: A six-foot-long box -- he put the pole in diagonally. SI: A gun. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) What is in the middle of Paris? N: The letter R. SI: I'm not sure -- that home video was a little fuzzy. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish? N: Swimming trunks. SI: Something that weighs five tons and stinks -- just like yo mama! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Why did Silly Billy sit on a clock? N: Because he wanted to be on time! SI: Because the Preparation H tube said to apply with hands. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Who says, "Oh, Oh, Oh"? N: A backward Santa. SI: A Don Imus tape played in reverse. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) If you were in a race and passed the person in second place, what place would you be in? N: Second place. SI: Depends on the superdelegates. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) What has a neck without a head and two arms without hands? Kids: A shirt. SI: A gay thief in Riyadh. (Chris Doyle) What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? N: A nervous wreck. SI: A crab in Jimmy Hoffa's eye socket. (Randy Lee) Why did the tomato lose the race? N: It couldn't ketchup! SI: Because some fool had turned it into a vegetable. (Russell Beland) What was Paul Bunyan's favorite game when he was traveling around America? N: Wheeling West Virginia. SI: Dayton Ohio and Macon Georgia. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) I live all alone in a little house that has no doors or windows. If I want to go out, I must break through the wall. What am I? N: A chick in an egg. SI: We deny that we have any such facilities. -- MichaelHayden@cia.gov (Peter Metrinko) What did the friendly bee say to the flower? N: Hello, honey! SI: Don't be embarrassed, there's no stigma in a short pistil. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) The man who bought it doesn't need it. The man who needs it can't buy it. What is it? N: A coffin. SI: Health insurance. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) What is the longest word? N: Smiles -- it has a mile between its ends. SI: Iraq -- no one can see the end of it. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Why won't you starve to death in the desert? N: Because of all the sand which is there. SI: Because you'll die of thirst first. (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) What goes around a house but doesn't move? N: A fence! SI: Nancy Pelosi's smile. (J. Larry Schott) What has 40 feet and sings? N: A choir. SI: A centipede after interrogation at Guantanamo. (Marty McCullen) The more you take, the more you'll find behind you. What are they? N: Footsteps. SI: Doughnuts. (Dan Ramish, Vienna; Ralph Scott, Washington) What has a tongue but can't talk? N: A shoe. SI: My dream date. (Russell Beland) What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed? N: Time to get a new bed! SI: Time to reevaluate the Republican domestic spying bill. (Michael Platt, Germantown) What do you call a cat in the water? N: A catfish! SI: I call it really funny. (Russell Beland ) What is black and white and red all over? N: A newspaper. SI: Pravda, once again. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? N: A brick layer. SI: The entree at a fundraiser. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) What goes "Ha ha ha, plop"? N: Someone laughing his head off. SI: Someone caught telling a joke by the Taliban. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Why is there a fence around the cemetery? N: Because people are dying to get in. SI: To pry guns from cold dead hands. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Why is Alabama the smartest state? N: Because it has 4 A's and one B! SI: C'mon, the Empress said "riddle," not "joke." (Marc Naimark, Paris) Next Week: Canny Similarities, or Got Ilk? ====================================================================== WEEK 758, published March 29, 2008 Week 758: Wrong Address Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. In this day of the three-second sound bite -- not to mention seamless digital editing -- any politician who makes any utterance in the vicinity of a recording device risks having his words taken wildly out of context: Parts of his comments might be deleted or even rearranged, transmogrifying sensible discourse into outrageous "quotes." But why should contemporary public figures suffer this fate alone? This week: Using any of the words of Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, in whatever order you like, create your own passage. Given that there are only 140 or so unique words in this exquisitely eloquent gem of a speech -- barely more than half the number in "The Cat in the Hat," which the Losers similarly deconstructed a year ago -- you may pull out a portion of a word to use as a full word, such as "cat" from "dedicated." You may repeat a word in your passage even if it appears only once in the actual text. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the really ugly ceramic alligator-head coin bank pictured here, a souvenir of Gainesville, Fla., home of the University of Florida Gators and not coincidentally of J. Larry Schott, the Loser who sent it to us. While of course it would look lovely on a massive rosewood desk, or perhaps on a vanity next to the crystal bottle of Jean Patou's Joy, the Empress would opt to install it, facing upward, inside a toilet bowl. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 7. Put "Week 758" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russell Beland. Report From Week 754, in which we supplied a list of famous personages and asked you to note "uncanny similarities" between any two: 4. Tiger Woods and Moses: Both have little trouble negotiating water hazards. Getting out of the sand, a different story. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills; Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) 3. Napoleon Bonaparte said, "Able was I ere I saw Elba." Bill Clinton said, "Live did I ere I did evil." (Roy Ashley, Washington) 2. The winner of the driver's-lap-size Beat the Beltway board game, At one point in his life, a woman sent Moses adrift in the Nile. At one point in his life, a woman sent Bill Clinton adrift in denial. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) And the Winner of the Inker Eleanor Roosevelt lived with a president who had an affair. Bill Clinton wants to live with a president who lived with a president who had an affair. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Beyond Compare: Honorable Mentions Morticia Addams was 223 years old and looked 26. Britney Spears is 26 years old and looks 223. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Montgomery Burns and Britney Spears are both associated with spectacular meltdowns. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Tiger Woods is famous for his putts. As is Bill Clinton. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis; Rick Haynes, Potomac; Ira Allen) In 1946, Bill Clinton and Mohandas K. Gandhi were both wearing diapers. (George Smith, Frederick) Eleanor Roosevelt and Bill Clinton were each married to someone with bad legs. (N.G. Andrews, Danville, Va.) Smuts played a big role in Mohandas K. Gandhi's life, while smut's played a big role in Bill Clinton's life. (Chris Doyle) Moses came down from Mount Sinai carrying stone tablets. Britney Spears was carried to Mount Sinai after getting stoned on tablets. (Larry Yungk) Both Gandhi and Clinton subscribed to the notion that "no one is untouchable." (Robert Elwood, Bushwood, Md.) Moses and Britney Spears: Both cases suggest that sometimes a baby is safer floating down the river in a homemade wicker basket than staying with his mother. (Christopher Short, Greenbelt, a First Offender) Eleanor Roosevelt and Bill Clinton: In private, Hillary Clinton still speaks to Eleanor. In public, she still speaks to Bill. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Britney Spears and Gandhi were equally good-looking when bald. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Groucho Marx said, "A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke." Bill Clinton just combined the two. (Randy Lee, Burke) Both Moses and Bill Clinton will be forever associated with the phrase "go down." (N.G. Andrews) Moses said, "Do not commit adultery." Clinton said, "Do not admit adultery." (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Eleanor Roosevelt reputedly had an affair with a woman named Lorena. Some people wish Bill Clinton had had an affair with a woman named Lorena. (Chris Doyle) Both Gandhi and Montgomery Burns were told not to have a cow. (Russell Beland) Groucho enjoyed a cigar in public, while Clinton enjoyed one in privates. (Dirk French, Woodbridge, who last got ink in 1998) Morticia Addams: Appeared regularly in the New Yorker. Bill Clinton: Appears regularly with a "New Yorker." (Jay Shuck) Next Week: Take Another 'Whack, or The One-Hit Parade ====================================================================== WEEK 759, published April 5, 2008 Week 759: What Kind of Foal Am I? Big Truck + Etched = Mack the Knife Attempted Humor + Returning = Horse Names AGAIN? It's time once again to enjoy the world's most popular sport: mating. And here's the Losers' favorite way to go about it. Below are the names of 100 of the horses eligible for this year's Triple Crown races. Your job is to "breed" any two -- even though they're all male -- and provide an appropriate name for their foal. As in real life, the names cannot be longer than 18 characters, including spaces. There is no limit on the number of entries you may send per e-mail, but you certainly don't get extra credit for sending every last combination that pops into your head: A Derby-caliber entry can sometimes be blocked from view in a field of verbal nags. If you're writing more than a handful, be sure to double-space. Results run May 3, the day of the Kentucky Derby. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, appropriately, an official commemorative mint julep glass from the 2005 Derby, donated by Loser Wilson Varga of Alexandria. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 14. Put "Week 759" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. A.P. Answer Aaron's Rod Access Code Anewday Arizona Atoned Attempted Humor Behind at the Bar Big Brown Big Truck Blackberry Road Bonanza Booted Cannonball Cape Time Casual Conquest Check It Twice Chris Got Even Clemens Close to the Vest Coast Guard Colonel John Cool Coal Man Court Vision Daddy Rabbit Denis of Cork El Gato Malo Elysium Fields Etched Excess Capital Expansion Fast Talking Fierce Wind Full Charge Georgie Boy Go Speed Racer Groomedforvictory He's Sum Charmer Hello From Heaven Hey Byrn Hot Chili I've Heard It All In My Footsteps In Orbit Invaluable Luvandgo Make the Point Manchild Mapmaker Mask and Wig Massive Drama Monogram Mr. Harry New Believer No Jeopardy Notgivinmyloveaway Old Ninety Eight On the Rocks Pillar of Salt Polonius Propensity Pyro Really Referee Returning Revenge Is Sweet Sacred Icon Saul to Paul Sea of Pleasure Signature Move Smokin Stogies Square Deal Standing High Storming Off Stratospheric Swath Texas Wildcatter Tiz Now Tiz Then Tizway Took the Time Top It Total Bull Tulips Dandy U S Treasury Understatement Unique Tale Vacation Vent Visionaire War Pass Whistle Stop White Shoes Wicked Style Wise Answer Wonder Mon Yankee Bravo You Better Believe Your Round Z Humor Zigawatt REPORT FEOM WEEK 755, in which we sought funny Googlewhacks, phrases that generated one and only one Google hit (either with or without the use of quotation marks) during the entry period. As predicted, this contest proved much more difficult than it was four years ago, back when the search engine was only unimaginably comprehensive. Not that it was all that hard this year to find a Googlewhack -- some people sent dozens. They just didn't pay any mind to the "funny" requirement ("Guess what -- 'The great [entrant's name]' is a Googlewhack!"). And many ignored the direction to come up with a description, or the description was boring. (We've decided, imperiously, to give ink to a few of these anyway.) Other people just quoted a good line that someone else said, such as a blog post by one "Commissioner" on the snarky TheSuperficial.com: "Take your disposable income and go buy yourself a sense of humor." No credit for that sort of thing. Over the course of this contest, we discovered that Google can be a mysterious animal: What was a Googlewhack one day would generate no hits at all -- or dozens -- the next day, or even the same day. Hence we're relying for the most part on the honor system. 4. Manicurist marathon: Running with scissors. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) 3. "Exclusive gated trailer park": A community of upwardly mobile homes. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) 2.the winner of the inflatable Chihuahua: Do I dare to eat a $4,300 peach at the Mayflower Hotel?: A recent rumination by T.S. Eliot Spitzer. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) "Smells like old peanut butter and belly": The first comment uttered by the EMT who found Elvis in the bathroom. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) "Bespoke birthday suit maker": The tailor for all the emperor's new clothes. (Pam Sweeney) "Drunken mites on ice": Another example of why chiggers can't be boozers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Snot, the critically acclaimed dessert wine of Jukkasjdrvi, Sweden: Pairs perfectly with lutefisk. Serve in a snifter. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Depilatorized death wish: Hoping you die without hairs. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Frisky nonagenarian stud": The lady-killer who just might end up lady-killed. (Dan Ramish, Vienna) "Every ding dong word of the Bible is true." (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) "Dick Cheney's weight loss diary": 3-6-07: Scooter's convicted. Well, that takes a load off! (Kevin Dopart) "Loved that traffic jam": A note left to the chef about the Road Kill Preserves. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) "Balletic logic": Putting tu and tu together. (Chris Doyle) "Ron Paul would be an excellent leader": A phrase that got exactly one hit fewer than "Ronald McDonald would be an excellent leader." (Elizabeth Kelley, Silver Spring, a First Offender) "Declared persona non gratin": The fall of the corporate Big Cheese. (Peter Metrinko) "Read my lips: Taxes will be raised": An utterance that is to Republicans what salt is to snails. (Dan Ramish) Psilocybin cereal: Breakfast of champignons. (Jane Auerbach) "Florida rules soccer": Whichever team shows up first may kick a few goals before the opposing team takes the field. The referees then decide later if those goals counted. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Eco-friendly ecdysiasm: Green and bare it! (Chris Doyle) "Freudian knickers": For those whose slips sometimes slip. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) "Just ridiculously well-endowed": One of the few phrases equally applicable to Dolly Parton and Harvard University. (Dan Ramish) Hippocratically kosher: Abiding by the tenet "First do no ham." (Chris Doyle) "Quadruplet envy": The rare emotion felt by Mr. and Mrs. Dionne. (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) Waterholes of self-aggrandizing nabobs: The small ponds in which big fish are found. (Russell Beland) "They call him the pork belly princess": What is the Village People's nickname for the "Farmer," the rarely seen seventh member of the group? (Kevin Dopart) "I love President George Bush and I think he is doing a hell of a job": There's always one. (Scott Susser, Hillside, N.J.) Geocached kielbasa: Geekspeak for "hide the salami." (Jane Auerbach) "Klutzy podophilia": Getting off on the wrong foot. (Chris Doyle) And Last: The popular Empress has a voracious appetite and will eat anything offered from flakes to pellets and frozen food: A description of the fish species Protomelas taeniolatus. (Peter Metrinko) Next Week: Mess With Our Heads, or Bank Fraud ====================================================================== WEEK 760, published April 12, 2008 Week 760: Whacksy Buildup Amish technology blog Marie Antoinette bobblehead Huckleberry Norwegian Recycled fingernails 505 unbelievably stupid Web pages, in no particular order Mud wrestling etiquette Fine McDining Three guys walk out of a bar Bodacious tapas Accountants of the Serengeti She's very sweet (except after dark) Full frontal checkmate Last week in this space we ran the results of our contest seeking Googlewhacks, phrases that would each generate one and only one Google hit. Here are a dozen more entries to the same contest. This week: Describe any of these Googlewhacks in the form of a question, "Jeopardy"-style. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place -- or the highest-placing Loser willing to pick it up (read on) -- wins a massive glass-and-ceramic not-snow globe promoting a certain long-named circus: Inside the heavy glass sphere are a frightened-looking Bello the clown (well, the poor man is drowning!), a tiger and an elephant, along with some feckless glitter. Here's the catch: You must accept this fine prize in person from the Empress at the 13th annual Flushies, the Losers' own annual awards banquet, Saturday afternoon, May 17, in College Park. See the Losers' Web site, www.gopherdrool.com, for details. If the second-place Loser doesn't come, he'll get a T-shirt instead, and the globe goes to the highest-placing Loser in attendance. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 21. Put "Week 760" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte. The authors of the Googlewhacks in this week's contest are Pam Sweeney, Michael Peck, Jacob Aldridge, David Malinowski, Ken Washington, Ed Gordon, Jon Graft, Anne Harrison, Peter Metrinko, Jon Graft and Jan Mehler. REPORT FROM WEEK 756, in which we asked readers to write a "bank head" that would put a twist on an actual headline appearing in that week's Post or on washingtonpost.com. There were far too many good entries to print here; a list of dozens more -- including some that were sent by too many people to be given individual credit -- appears here . 4. White Male Vote Especially Critical Simon Cowell's Remarks More Cutting Than Ever (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 3. Washington Remains in Contention With a Victory Over AtlantaLincoln Heartily Thanks General Sherman(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park; Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, whose last ink was in 1997) 2. the winner of the pen that screeches "The Star-Spangled Banner": American's Dream Comes True Man, 37, Shows Up Naked and Totally Unprepared for Meeting(Michael Levy, Silver Spring) Expansion Is Approved for Alamo Pentagon Notes 'Regrettable' Delay but Predicts Troop Surge Will Thwart Santa Anna(Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Forecasters Warn of Flooding in Ark. Noah Shouldn't Have Added Portholes Before Invention of Glass, Critics Say (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) 7th Graders Take a Stand 'Lemonade Was My Life,' Wails 4th-Grade Bullying Victim (Roy Ashley, Washington) Three Wise Guys: Urinal Etiquette, Mystery Statues and More Potatoes Loony Names Aren't Limited to Hollywood Offspring (Kevin Dopart, Washington) McCainCampaign Suspends Aide After Leak of Ceiling-Chaining Photo, Candidate Accused of Flip-Flop on Torture (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) For Young Area Lawyer, the Supreme Compliment 'You Don't Act Like a Lawyer' (Ben Aronin, Washington) Md. Budget Crunch Has Residents on the Ropes Home-Brand Cereal Makes Baltimoreans Puke Into Inner Harbor (Ira Allen, Bethesda) More Than a Way In and Out 'I Do Have Other Redeeming Qualities, You Know,' Girlfriend Protests (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) FDAWarns Against Cantaloupes Breast Implants Should Be Limited to Grapefruit Size, Agency Says (Rick Haynes, Potomac; Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) N. Korea's No. 2 Begins AfricaTour But Traveling Display of Kim Jong Il's Bowel Movement Draws Little Interest Outside Homeland (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria) HokiesPolish Up Their Résumé Va. Tech Woos Duke Coach Krzyzewski(Howard Walderman, Columbia; Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Who Says the Elite Aren't Fit to Serve? Ivy League Art History Majors Prove Excellent Waiters (Cy Gardner, Arlington; Cheryl Davis, Arlington) Reports Cite Lack of Uniform Policy for Terrorist Watch List Suicide Bombers Were Supposed to Wear Matching Blazers With Crests (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Rockets Come Back Down to Earth NASA 'Stunned' by Findings of $1.6 Billion Study (Russell Beland, Springfield) A Hurler's Investment Pitch Few Remember Karen Carpenter's Early Career at Merrill Lynch (Jay Shuck) A Skillful 'Kiss' That Lacks True Passion What Happens When Wine Snobs Turn Into Chocolate Snobs (Barbara Turner) Big Red Knocks Down Big Two Visit to Cuba, Dolly Parton Shoved by Castro in Sudden Burst of Energy (Harry Rosenberg, Arlington,a First Offender) Pittsburgh Finds Itself in Familiar Spot Still at Intersection of 3 Rivers, Study Finds (Jerrie Olson, Frederick) West Virginia's Globe Trotter Appalachian Man Returns Home After Whirlwind Trek to Wheeling (Jonathan Gettleman, Ashburn) Van Pelt Has Some Fun Rug in '67 VW Bus Still Gets Lots of Groovy Action (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) United to Pull Older Planes Trip From N.Y. to L.A. Will Average 47 Days (Christopher Lamora) Border Patrol Job Fair Immigration Cops Pleased With Improvement Over 2007's 'Poor' Rating (Christopher Lamora) Biggest One-Day Gain Since '02 Kirstie Alley Regrets Eating Whole Carton of Breyer's (Beverley Sharp, Washington) On War's Anniversary, Bush Cites Progress: 'Strategic Victory' Is Near, He Asserts Former President Reflects on 25th Year in Iraq (Warren Rudman, Central City, Colo, a First Offender) SEC Probes Shorting of Bear's Stock Goldilocks Questioned About Missing Porridge (Roy Ashley) Greenspan Gets Harder Look Fed Retiree's Pilates Regimen Produces Awesome Abs, Andrea Mitchell Says (Roger Dalrymple) Clinton 's Experience Is Debated More Than 200 Women Just While Governor, or Including Presidency? (Kevin Dopart) Gearing Up for Court Gun Battle Ginsburg Packs Twin Uzis, Scalia Opts for AK-47 (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) A Surprise at the Top Surgeon Errs, Implants 3rd Breast (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) High Court Declines Tobacco Suit 'Thanks, but Too Itchy -- We'll Stay With the Robes,' Roberts Says (Rick Haynes) Next Week: Gorey Thoughts From A to Z, or Ghastly, Dumb, Tinny More Honorable Mentions From Week 756 We just got so many good plays on headlines this week that we couldn't help spilling some over into the Great Maw of the Web. In addition to the Honorable Mentions below, there were a number of funny ideas that were sent by too many people to be credited individually. Lots of people came up with: Arenas Might Be Back Soon Verizon Center, FedEx Field Apparently Just Wandered Off in Middle of Night Nationals Have Logjam Up the Middle Desperate Coach Hires Team Proctologist 30 Big French Cities Fall to the Opposition [Various typical French-surrender jokes] Far-Flung Tibetans Find Unity in Protest Being Catapulted Out of Lhasa Is Just Wrong, They Agree Now for the actual ink: Spring Festival Turns Violent Fists Fly After Cheating Accusations at National Slinky Championships (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Johnson Hopes for a Major Step Forward Lakers Great Starts Professional 'Mother May I?' League (Russell Beland, Springfield) Drinking Rules But Whoring Finishes a Close Second (Tom Murphy, Bowie) Grass-Roots Markets May Help Stave Off N. Korean Food Shortages Kim Jong Il Declares: 'They Taste Like Chicken' (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Taco in One Hand, Remote in the Other It's Not Your Father's Beltway Anymore (Kevin Dopart, Washington) World's No. 2 Economy Has Vacancy at Top No. 1's Top Is Pretty Vacant, Too (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Wildcats Bounce Trojans Bunch of Rolled-Up Condoms Substitute for Ball (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) In New York, Butts Soared Above All (the article was about high jumper Tynita Butts) Nose Jobs Now Rank No. 2 Among Long Island Cosmetic Surgeons (Ira Allen, Bethesda) In New York , Butts Soared Above All Helicopter Pilot, Passenger Sought in Moon Over Manhattan (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Strep Throat Will Keep Dix Out of 200M Nice Guys to Finish First, for Once (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) Lackey Sidelined Cheney Mobilizes Iran Invasion as Bush Recovers From Flu (Kevin Dopart) Pregnancy Complicates the Candidate's Interview Sen. Clinton Drops Bombshell on '60 Minutes' (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) The Longer It Takes, the Higher the Cost Viagra's New Spokesman Spitzer Explains 'Expense Account' (Cheryl Davis, Arlington) Two Very Unique Coaching Paths Converge The Slightly Dead and a Little Pregnant Approaches Provide Synergy (Kevin Dopart) In Havana, a Page From McCain's Past Foley Wasn't the Only One, Exiled Senate Intern Alleges (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) Jumping Out of Stocks Could Sting More Than Staying And Other Tips for Enjoying Colonial Williamsburg (Christopher Lamora) 'Speak English' Sign Is Allowed But Must Be Written in Spanish, Court Rules (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria) American's Dream Comes True Airline Wins Permission to Charge for Seat Belt Use (Ira Allen) Security Companies Scramble to Combat Rise of Malicious Programs Blackwater Commandos Attack Bill O'Reilly, Storm 'Flavor of Love' Set (Cy Gardner) Young 76ers Are Starting to Come Into Their Own Seniors Say 80 is the New 20 (Brian Cohen, Potomac) Supreme Court to Review FCC Ban on Profanity 'We're Tired of This $%$181{}&*,' Chief Justice Says (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Streaking Houston Set for a Celtic Test Whitney Preps for Irish Nude Cricket Match (Tom Murphy) Another Crisis for the Bay Glue Factory Looms as Bobtail Nag Is Favorite at Camptown Races (Carol Ann Linder, Arlington, a First Offender) Prayers for Call Girl 'Sorry, I Only Take Cash,' Kristen Says (Russell Beland) A Garden Fit for the Bishop Cleric Suffers Seizure Between the Dahlias and the Coreopsis (Mae Scanlan, Washington) A Luminous 'Moon' Where There Was Darkness Farmer Gets Creative With Day-Glo Paint Where the Sun Don't Shine (Mae Scanlan) Moment of Truth Aides Quickly Redirect President Back on Message (Kevin Dopart) After 800 Entries, the Field Narrows Cross-Eyed and Bleary Upon Reading a Single Loser's Submission for This Contest, Empress Vows to Disqualify the Over-Ambitious (Beverley Sharp, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 761, published April 19, 2008 Week 761: Strip Mining Style Invitational Official Wonder Boy Bob Staake offers up these three comic strips for your consideration. While considering them, supply the text for any or all of the three. Please just type it up, with indications as to who's saying what; don't scribble it into the drawings. The Empress has enough problems reading your typing. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a colorful, cute, slightly bent metal It's Happy Bunny sign with the legend "Sucky losers not allowed," purchased expressly for the Invitational by obviously-not-all-that-sucky(though arguably suck-uppy) Loser Russ Taylor of Vienna. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 28. Put "Week 761" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Prevar. REPORT FROM WEEK 757, in which we sought Style Invitational-toned rhyming couplets featuring any of 13 letter pairs, a la Edward Gorey's famously horrific "Gashlycrumb Tinies" alphabet primer. The award for most off-the-wall response to a simple alphabet contest goes to Ben Aronin of Washington, who sent "I is for-Eigner, my English please pardonJ's for the jingoist hearts I see harden." You'll notice what event was making the headlines when this contest was open; the former governor of New York gets a grateful thank-you from The Style Invitational. A is for Ape, from whom man is descended. B is for Bible-believers, offended. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) C's Callipygian, my favorite form. D is for Droopy -- alas, that's the norm. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, third runner-up) C is for Crotchety, a measure of age. D is for Dead, a more certain gauge. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) E is for Enron, went freely astray. F's for the expletive meaning a Lay. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) G's the ex-Guv of the state of New Yawk. H is the Hooker he'd hoped wouldn't tawk. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington, first runner-up, winner of the love-seeking T-shirt) I is for Imus, he hoed his own rows. J is for Jacko, who picked his own nose. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) K is for Karl and the lies that he wove. L is for Libby, the fall guy for Rove. (Chris Doyle) M is Madame, whom Monsieur mollycoddles. N's Nick Sarkozy, who's traded in models. (Christopher Lamora) O is for Ouzo, a drink from the bar. P's for Pedestrian under your car. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) Q is for Queers, proudly took back the name. R's for the Redskins, whose name still brings shame. (Randy Lee, Burke) S for Spitzer squanders sums for sordid sex: sore luck. T is for Testosterone: turns titan into schmuck. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, second runner-up) U is Urethra: helps men "plant the flowers." V is Viagra; seek help in four hours. (Roy Ashley, Washington) W is for Writer's block, thinking "What next?" X is for . . . ??? (Beth Baniszewski, winner of the Inker) Y is the chromosome making a he. Z is the Zero he often will be. (Kevin Dopart) A stands for what George Bush called Adam Clymer. B stands for what his mom called a "rich"-rhymer. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) A is for Ass, a creature equine. B is for Butt, a large cask of wine. (George Vary, Bethesda) C is for Cruising for airport romance. D's for a Dummy with too wide a stance. (Randy Lee) E is for Eliot, governing rashly. F's for the Feminine wiles of hot Ashley. (Randy Lee) I is for Imus, whose head isn't nappy. J is for Judgment -- Imus's: crappy. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) L is for Larry Craig, stalled by a cop. K is for Karl, who hijacked the GOP. (Larry Yungk) Q is for Quadruped (4-footed being). R's for Regret -- that's the girl you've been seeing. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) S is for Spitzer, and his big spick-and-span act. T is for Theater -- 'cause, man, could that Mann Act. (G. Smith, New York) S is for Scotch, and for Swilling till dawn. T is for Throwing it up later on. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) W is for Words that are used in bad taste. X is for Xysma (that's bits in your waste). (Kevin Dopart) Y is for You and your "taking a breather." Z is for zipper, which you can't get up, either. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Next Week: Wrong Address,or Shallowed Ground ====================================================================== WEEK 762, published April 26, 2008 Week 762: Look This Up in Your Funk & Wagnalls Pomade-Pop: A new soda that hasn't cut much into Coca-Cola's market share. Microhabitat-microwave: A dorm room appliance on the last day of spring break. Perforated-perimeter: The end of American civilization, according to Lou Dobbs. H ere's a game we've played in the past with the alphabetical headings in the phone book: This time we turn to what may be another imminently obsolete reference volume. This week: Supply the pair of terms listed at the top of a page of any print dictionary to indicate the first and last listings on the page, and define that hyphenated term. You may reverse the order of the terms. Please cite the dictionary you're using; the examples above are from Webster's New World, second and fourth editions. Note: After the embarrassment of riches known as 4,000-plus horse-name entries for Week 759, the Empress has decided she's embarrassed enough. This week, please limit yourself to your 20 best entries. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a truly marvelous photo book, "Toilets of the World," a 255-page color travelogue of facilities high-tech and very low, the starkly practical and the opulently whimsical, such as a Tokyo restaurant's red human-mouth-shaped urinal that swings from side to side while music blares, forcing the hapless urinator to sway in time with the music lest he miss the, well, mouth. Try that after a few glasses of sake. Donated by Loser Kevin Dopart. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 5. Put "Week 762" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Michael Baker of Elkridge. This week's Honorable Mentions name was submitted by both Tom Witte and Michael Turniansky. We belatedly mention that the Week 758 contest was suggested independently by Russell Beland and Anne Paris. Report From Week 758, in which we invited readers to regroup words (or words that are embedded in other words) appearing in the Gettysburg Address into their own passages: The Empress received impassioned protests from two readers who were appalled that we would make light of a sacred text (one demanded that we cancel the contest). The premise of this exercise was that, in this digital age, the noblest sentiments risk being edited into "quotes" ranging from the malicious to the just plain silly. Well, we can at least assure you that we have malice toward none. As for the latter quality, those letter-writers are exhorted -- please! -- to stop reading right now. 4. What is this "we the people"? They say "we shall over-come" but what can they do? Ha. It is "we the government," we who are in power. The people endure what we do. Sure, they might go to war and even act nobly. But what is so great in that? In the end, this is what I say: So? Gag on this. Eat me. -- R.C., Undisclosed Location (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3. "O God! O! O! O! O God! O God! O! O! O!" "I'll have what she did." -- Harry & Sally Burns, New York (Randy Lee, Burke) 2. the winner of the alligator-head coin bank: He: Can we go? She: Hon? Do I have a fat end now? He: No. She: Sure? He: Sure. She: It is larger. It is altogether not little. It is as large as a van. He: No, it is so little. She: It is AS LARGE AS THE EARTH! He: Forget it. She: Ew! He: Now what? She: Now this bra is not fitting. He: What a struggle! Finished now? She: I have aged. Will men gag and not proposition me? He: I will proposition. I will remember the lace bra. She: That will work. He: Can we go now? (Anne Paris, Arlington) And the Winner of the Inker Al, Bert, Ed, Vance and Nat all remember their lives long ago. Al: We did rough work and did not rest. Now we do a task and get all ill. Bert: We ate and ate, and did not get full. Now we eat even a little ort and get fat. Ed: Or use the can to get a little rest and go poo -- never a struggle! Now we are in-continent. Vance: Our lives are all but over. We should ease into our final years. Nat: No! We are not finished! We all have a little power in the hose, an ember in the member. It is not the end for us. Come on -- live large! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Little Noted Nor Long Remembered: Honorable Mentions Did Ono and her tin ear end the great Four? And thus The Who remaining, heir to the great, unfinished task? No -- it led to freedom, which led to the new. In a sense, she gave us R.E.M. So get over it, people. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) It is fitting and proper that people ask whether I will govern as nobly as the men who have come before me. And to these people I say: "By God, I shall be on the take and be living large as I can for as long as I can. Ha-ha! Is this a great nation, or what?" (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) What did the OB say to the father? Heir, heir! (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Hey, Ma . . . So, Father and I had a little struggle, and, er, he is rather dead, we might say. So . . . we ought to get together, no? I am free at seven. -- Oedipus (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) He gave me a proposition and a large note. I gave devotion. It is work, even for a dedicated ho. But I shall never forget His Honor (or what might remain of it). -- Ashley D., New York (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Here is an aged gag: Ye ma-ma so fat, she can use rope for her bra lace! (Kevin Dopart) "O no! THIS is the proper position? Forget it! I'll not endure it! OW! OW! OW! OW!" I struggled and gave birth. Fie on men, who can never conceive. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) A member of the government who shall proposition men, and score in a rest place, might have his work finished in the end. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Yea, her ma is sure large. Her end is equal to that of four people. (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Seven years ago, we conceived a final resting place for civil liberty. The world will little note, nor long remember, the proposition that all men are created equal. We are now dedicated to the unfinished work remaining before us -- that the government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall perish from this earth. (Richard Arnold, Rockville) Not long ago, the people of this nation gave me the honor of a position in government. It is rough that the people remember me now for an act that might cause the nation to gag and say "ew." In an honored work-place. On the rug. Hey, I might get to score a-new in that place, if she can endure in the field. -- W. J. Clinton, New York (Anne Paris) In under a year, our nation will be led by an ill, aged POW (come on, he can not even remember who is who in the world); or her, from NY (who ought to use a little lace on her bra); or that B.O. bro (now, what did he ever do?), who is so new that he might forget to end the war. Hey people, this is it. We get the government we should have, not what we long to have. But for sure, it will not be as poor and altogether low as it is now. (Kevin Dopart) Next Week: What Kind of Foal Am I, or The Horse You Wrote In On ====================================================================== WEEK 763, published May 3, 2008 Week 763: Another Time Around the Track Some might call it beating a dead horse, but judging from the enormous response to Week 759, as well as to the same contest the previous two years, we think there's more life in the old nag yet. This week: "Breed" any two of the winning "offspring" included in this week's results, and name THEIR foal. Though we regret not limiting the number of entries four weeks ago, we won't limit them this week either, because it's a harder game: Not only are there fewer names to work with, but many of the names already contain puns, and your wordplay should be significantly different from the original. As always, the names must contain no more than 18 characters, including spaces. The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a 1997 Kentucky Derby souvenir T-shirt AND (gee, we are just too generous) three souvenir glasses from the Preakness, all donated by Tom Boyle of Laurel. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 12. Put "Week 763" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 31. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte, who is lucky we found it buried in a list he sent of 209 revised-title and honorable-mention ideas, most of them clinically lame. The idea for the Week 761 contest, playing off dictionary headings(entries accepted through Monday night), was by Dave Prevar. REPORT FROM WEEK 759, in which readers "bred" any two of the 100 horses on a list of Triple Crown eligibles (all of them male, as it happened) and named the foal. There were hundreds of excellent entries this week (including that one you sent in but we didn't run), but believe us, you wouldn't want to read them all at once. Even more Losers than usual went for scatological entries, which fortunately tended to cancel one another out; names sent by four or more people go straight to the manure pile. Combinations like Hot Chili + Fierce Wind brought lots of gas jokes, and let's not discuss Big Brown. Note: If you sent one of the entries below but didn't get credit: Well, playing the horses is always a gamble. We tried. 4. Massive Drama + Visionaire = The Foresight Saga (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) 3. Polonius + Total Bull = Hamburger Hamlet (Charlie Cordova, Reston) 2. The winner of the souvenir Kentucky Derby glass (empty): Big Truck + Pillar of Salt = Mover and Shaker (Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif.) Pyro + Mapmaker = Your Heatin' Chart ( Cy Gardner , Arlington) Aaron's Rod + Blackberry Road = Handheld (Harvey Smith, McLean) Access Code + Casual Conquest = PIN the Tail (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Arizona + In Orbit = AZ the World Turns (Joe and Amy Neff, Warrington, Pa.) Arizona + Old Ninety Eight = Oh, He's Only 71 (Sanford Horn, Alexandria) Arizona + Sacred Icon = Torah!Torah!Torah! (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Big Brown + Blackberry Road = Thumbs UPS ( Kevin Dopart , Washington) Big Truck + Arizona = Good Yuma Man (Chris Doyle) Blackberry Road + Hot Chili = Text Mex ( Stephen Dudzik , Olney) Bonanza + Behind at the Bar = Ponderosé (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Bonanza + Behind at the Bar = Hoss's Ass (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Bonanza + Notgivinmyloveaway = Westward Ho ( Pam Sweeney , Germantown) Booted + Top It = Best in Shoe ( Mae Scanlan , Washington) Cannonball + Texas Wildcatter = Projectile Varmint (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Cannonball + Tulips Dandy = Bellyfop (Cy Gardner) Casual Conquest + Total Bull = I'll Call You ( Russell Beland, Springfield) Casual Conquest + Vent = Tryst and Shout ( Roy Ashley, Washington) Clemens + Total Bull = Samuel Longhorn (Michael Martin, Staunton, Va.; Chris Doyle) Clemens + Hello From Heaven = Reports of My Death (Michael Peck, Alexandria; Ira Allen , Bethesda) Clemens + Attempted Humor = Mock Twain (Mark Eckenwiler) Clemens + Whistle Stop = MARC Train (Dudley Thompson) Clemens + Daddy Rabbit = Who Framed Roger (Larry Yungk, Arlington; Kevin Dopart) Clemens + In Orbit = Roger, Houston (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Clemens + Pyro = Pants on Fire (Michael Mason, Fairfax) Clemens + Sacred Icon = Scared Icon (Mike Sikorski, Rockville) Court Vision + Monogram = Letter of the Law (Russell Beland) Daddy Rabbit + Revenge Is Sweet = Lucky Human's Foot (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) El Gato Malo + Pyro = Tyger Tyger (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Etched + Storming Off = Cut and Run (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) Etched + Vacation = Acid Trip (Ed Conti, Raleigh) Fast Talking + I've Heard It All = Fast Listening (Russell Beland) Fierce Wind + Big Brown = Hits the Fan (Carol Ostrow, Laurel) Georgie Boy + He's Sum Charmer = Dim Sum (Kevin Dopart) Groomedforvictory + Storming Off = Perm und Drang (Laurie Brink) Hello From Heaven + Luvandgo = Cherubimbo (Mae Scanlan) Hello From Heaven + Court Vision = Holy See (Kevin Dopart) Hello From Heaven + I've Heard It All = Yahwehtever (Jonathan Paul) I've Heard It All + Close to the Vest = Bullshirt (Mae Scanlan) I've Heard It All + Monogram = BFD (J.D. Berry, Springfield) In My Footsteps + On the Rocks = Dr. Shoals (Rick Haynes, Potomac) In Orbit + Hello From Heaven = In Obits (Pam Sweeney; Sam Laudenslager, Burke) Mapmaker + Behind at the Bar = Atlas Chugged (Cy Gardner) Monogram + U S Treasury = $0$ (Larry Yungk) Mask and Wig + Luvandgo = The Scarlet Pimp (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Massive Drama + Fierce Wind = Artsy Fartsy (David Komornik, Danville, Va.) Mr. Harry + Daddy Rabbit = Bugs Stops Here (Mike Jackson, Annandale) Mr. Harry + Excess Capital = Potter's Weal (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Notgivinmyloveaway + Stratospheric = Virgin Airways (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Pillar of Salt + Full Charge = Salt and Battery (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.; Harvey Smith; Mike Hammer) Pyro + Daddy Rabbit = Bun Baby Bun (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City) Pyro + Yankee Bravo = Don L'Arson (Mae Scanlan) Revenge Is Sweet + Orbit = What Goes Around (Lori D. Price, Leesburg) Sacred Icon + Pillar of Salt = TaberNaCle (Pam Sweeney) Sacred Icon + Wise Answer = ReplyHazy TryAgain (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Sea of Pleasure + I've Heard It All = YachtaYachtaYachta (Chris Doyle) Signature Move + Total Bull = John Hancrock (Stephen Gilberg, Washington) Texas Wildcatter + Behind at the Bar = There Will Be Bud (Jan Brandstetter, Mechanicsville; Cy Gardner; Russell Beland) Tiz Now Tiz Then + Aaron's Rod = Don't Tiz Me Bro (Dudley Thompson) U S Treasury + Visionaire = I See Debt, People (Chris Doyle) Vacation + Excess Capital = Buy Your Leave (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) White Shoes + Big Brown = I Hate That Dog (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) You Better Believe + I've Heard It All = Talk to the Hand (Mary Jo Sweeney, Crownsville) You Better Believe + Pyro = Hot Dogma (Tom Witte) And Last: Attempted Humor + I've Heard It All = 4,065 Entries (The Empress, Washington) Next Week: Whacksy Buildup, or Google He Eyed ====================================================================== WEEK 764, published May 10, 2008 Week 764: Can You Up Chuck? Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. There's no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris's computer -- Chuck Norris is always in control. Previous eras had their Samsons, their Paul Bunyans, their John Henrys. In the dawn of the 21st century, our Man of Legend is one Carlos Ray Norris Jr., a 68-year-old middleweight karate champion turned movie and TV star who most recently made headlines by guiding his chosen presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee, straight into the White House. Well, okay, even Chuck Norris couldn't do that. But as you can see from the "facts" above -- lifted right off the long list on ChuckNorrisFacts.com -- there's no shortage of examples to demonstrate the supermanliness of Chuck Norris. At least we hope not. This week:Come up with entirely new and funny Chuck Norris Facts. Please feel free -- in fact, please feel obligated! -- to Google your idea to be sure it's original. This contest was suggested by Loser Since 1994 Sarah W. Gaymon of Gambrills. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a card of temporary Tattoos for the Elderly, with such gnarly (well, gnarled) designs as "Out of Control," featuring a drawing of an adult diaper, and a set of dentures in a glass, with the legend "Bite Me." (What a nice gift for Chuck Norris!) From the ungnarled Ellen Raphaeli of Falls Church. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 19. Put "Week 764" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results and this week's Honorable Mentions name are by Russell Beland. We were so carried away with our stellar field of horse names last week that we forgot to note the numerous Losers who were First Offenders: So take belated offense from Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif. (also a runner-up); Michael Martin, Stafford, Va.; Mike Sikorski, Rockville; Mike Jackson, Annandale; Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.; Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City; Stephen Gilberg, Washington; and Mary Jo Sweeney, Crownsville. Each gets one of those stench-tastic tree-shaped car air fresheners in honor of his FirStInk. REPORT FROM WEEK 760, in which all the "answers" in our "Jeopardy!"-style contest were reader-contributed Googlewhacks, phrases that generated exactly one Google hit: Funny but offered by almost everyone was an entry linking "accountants of the Serengeti" with "tax cheetahs." 4. Answer: Three guys walk out of a bar. Question: What's the start of the favorite joke told at the Salvation Army? (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) 3. A: Amish technology blog. Q: What do the kids in Lancaster call the bulletin board on the barn wall? (Dan Ramish, Vienna) 2. the winner of the massive promotional not-snow globe to be presented by the Empress at the Losers' own Flushies Awardson May 17: A: Accountants of the Serengeti. Q: Who's featured next week on "Mutual of Omaha's Mild Kingdom"?(Marleen May, Rockville) A: Recycled fingernails. Q: What does the CIA interrogation division use as snow in its annual Christmas skit? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) · Accountants of the Serengeti What was Warren Zevon's less-successful follow-up to "Werewolves of London"? (Marc Channick, San Diego) Who's on the staff at PriceWaterhole? (Randy Lee, Burke; Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) · Amish Technology Blog What has no hits yet on ThySpace.com? (Chris Doyle) Where would you read the question "Can I use zip-lock icebox bags, or must I keep using pins?" (George Vary, Bethesda) What is surpassed in irony only by Bill Bennett's "Book of Virtues"? (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) · Fine McDining What would be one of two things you'd be doing alone if you suggested taking your wife to McDonald's for Valentine's Day? (Michael Levy, Silver Spring) How is Bear Stearns entertaining new job applicants "just until this credit thingie blows over"? (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) What did the judge do about Mr. McDining's unpaid parking tickets? (Russell Beland, Springfield; Mae Scanlan, Washington) · 505 Unbelievably Stupid Web Pages, in No Particular Order What did 101 freshmen submit as research papers? (Ellen Raphaeli, FallS Church) What is the official "Zippy the Pinhead" site? (Kevin Dopart) Those hyperlinks scattered all over the stories on washingtonpost.com: What do they link to? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) What would you get if you added 70 more members of Congress? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) What do you have to visit to rack up enough PostPoints to get a free Slurpee? (Russ Taylor, Vienna) · Full Frontal Checkmate What sometimes happens when you're cornered by the bishop? (Peter Metrinko) What's it called when a vastly obese couple try the missionary position? (John Kupiec, Fairfax) What ESPN2 show beat out Nude Tag Team Sudoku in the ratings sweeps? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) · Huckleberry Norwegian What was the predecessor of the prune danish? (Maja Keech, New Carrollton) What's the name of the new no-frills raft-and-pole cruise line? (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Before Hollywood made her change it, what was Claire Danes's original name? (Ira Allen, Bethesda) · Marie Antoinette Bobblehead What will be featured in a YouTube ad encouraging Bastille Day visitors to take Metro? (Kevin Dopart; Roy Ashley, Washington; Steve Baldwin, Bethesda, a First Offender) What doll's box is marked "Some Disassembly Required"? (Marleen May) What novelty outsells the Sylvia Plath Easy-Bake Oven? (Chris Doyle) What is a nice companion piece to the Louis XVI Pez dispenser? (Randy Lee) · Mud Wrestling Etiquette Why haven't the Democratic candidates gouged each other's eyes out yet? (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) What code of social behavior is an anagram for "wet nudes merge, tilt, quit"? (Brad Alexander) Why could no one lick Jesse Ventura? (Jay Shuck) · Recycled Fingernails What did surgeons use to enhance Joan Rivers's larynx? (John Kupiec) What did cavemen use in their staplers? (Barbara Turner) What is the most common hors d'oeuvre at diplomatic receptions in Pyongyang? (John O'Byrne, Dublin) · She's Very Sweet (Except After Dark) What's true of Hillary Clinton (except during the day)? (Russell Beland) Why do I give my mother-in-law only milk chocolate? (Marleen May) · Three Guys Walk Out of a Bar What story line did Saint Matthew's editor suggest he remove from the tale of the Magi? (Peter Metrinko; Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) What happens when Messrs. de Maupassant, Ritchie and Noir have all had enough to drink? (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) Have you heard the one about the Mormon, the Muslim and the Baptist? (Chris Doyle) What happens when three guys walk into a bar and see a priest, the minister and the rabbi? (Alyssa Glomb, Alexandria, a First Offender) What happens when a priest and a ventriloquist are told it's closing time? (Mae Scanlan) Next Week: Strip Mining, or A Staake Deck ====================================================================== WEEK 765, published May 17, 2008 Week 765: It's Doo-Dah Day Some of the loveliest melodies in American music were written by Stephen Foster, the biggest-deal songwriter of the 19th century. Unfortunately, Foster's lyrics don't tend to be quite so lovely to most American ears, since many were written for pre-Civil War minstrel shows, to be sung by white men in blackface. Just as unfortunately, this hasn't stopped those same lyrics from being enshrined as the state songs of Florida ("Old Folks at Home") and Kentucky ("My Old Kentucky Home"). Okay, Kentucky changed " 'Tis summer, the darkies are gay" to " 'Tis summer, the people are gay" -- but wouldn't it be better to just overhaul the lyrics entirely, while preserving the pretty tune? That, of course, is where you come in: This week: Write humorous lyrics commemorating any of the 50 states or the District, set to any of these Stephen Foster songs:"Old Folks at Home" (a.k.a. "Way Down Upon the Swanee River"); "My Old Kentucky Home"; "Oh! Susanna"; "Camptown Races"; or "Jeannie With the Light Brown Hair."Those who missed out on learning these songs in school or at home can find many earnestly sung examples on YouTube.com; just search on the song titles. The winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, just in time to be a couple of days too late for Father's Day, a necktie with pictures of various hand tools and small hardware, along with a book on "How to Tie a Tie," all part of a promotional package from the DIY Network. Perhaps there's a man out there who can perfect dovetail joints but hasn't been able to master a Windsor knot. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to http:losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, May 27. Put "Week 765" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Dave Prevar. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Beverley Sharp. REPORT FROM WEEK 761, in which we asked you to supply dialogue for any of the three wordless Bob Staake comic strips pictured in the slideshow on this page: 4. Cartoon A: Panel 1: "I'm voting for him. He's nice and seems friendly. I just don't like her." Panel 2: "But she's so much more capable and experienced." Panel 3: "Forget it, I'm going home. I just can't be friends with someone who has so little judgment when it comes to 'American Idol.' "(Russell Beland, Springfield) 3. Cartoon C: 1. Left man: "Where do we serve the subpoena?" Right man: "I have the address -- let's go. 2. Left: The charges are horrible -- dozens of little girls forced to dress and pose provocatively! Mirrors! Poles! Left man: The scum! 3. Left man: Uh, this is a ballet school.(Russ Taylor, Vienna) 2. the winner of the slightly bent It's Happy Bunny sign with the legend "No sucky losers allowed": 1. Rrrring. 2. Why, yes, I WOULD like to switch cellphone providers. I've been waiting for your call. 3. Voice on phone: "Code blue! Code blue! Telemarketer down!"(Roy Ashley, Washington) 1. Washington just robs you of it after a while. 2. Yeah, it's time to get some. 3. First guy: Good thing there's a backbone store. Second guy: I'm afraid to knock.(Randy Lee, Burke) CARTOON B: "Good morning, McCain headquarters." [Phone on floor] "That's right, this is Reverend Wright and I want to endorse the senator."(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Barely Legal Hotline -- ooh, hello there, you sexy thing!" "Grandma???" (Rick Haynes, Potomac) CARTOON C: "Are you ready for this?" "As ready as I'll ever be." "Okay, let's find out what happens when two lawyers walk into a bar."(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) 1. Guy on left: "How did the board meeting go?" Guy on right: "Rough. I had to bare my fangs a bit." 3. Guy on right: "I think I have some shareholder stuck in my teeth."(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 1. Man: We almost have enough votes to pass the Moral Rectitude Act of 2008. 2. Same man: That is, we will in a moment. 3. Senator Craig? Senator Vitter? Could we borrow you for a few minutes?(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 1. Man 1: For once, the meeting ended early -- where to? Man 2: Let's go look at something we don't get to see at home. 2. Man 1: We've gotta be careful -- if the wives find out, we're dead. 3. Man 2: Wow, check out those cupcakes! Man 1: Yeah, I'll be glad when our wives are off this Atkins kick.(Jim Ward, Manassas) Next Week: Look It Up in Your Funk & Wagnalls, or Lexicon Artists ====================================================================== WEEK 766, published May 24, 2008 Week 766: Think to Shudder When you take your little girl to the circus and the Human Cannonball gives her an unexpected souvenir. That guy in the dorm who is so tall that he sees over shower stalls without even trying. Having dinner with your new girlfriend when your ex-girlfriend and her new girlfriend show up at the same restaurant (you, in this instance, are a he). You are about to hook up with someone when you discover that he or she is the opposite sex than you thought. A recent Washington Post investigation has revealed a term that today's students use all the time to describe awkward situations. The word is: "awkward." Though young people have broadened the term to refer to just about anything unpleasant or unlikable, the examples above (offered by University of Maryland students, except for the cartoon by the never-awkward Bob Staake) hew to the classic connotation of embarrassment. This week: Come up with scenarios that are even more awkward (and more imaginative) than the wincers mentioned above. The winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a prize brought back from France by the Empress herself: an empty bottle of a carbonated lemon drink made by Perrier whose name is clearly meant to sound effervescent: "Pschitt!" Fill it with whatever you like. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 2. Put "Week 766" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by avid Washington Post reader John O'Byrne of Dublin, Ireland. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia, which is a pretty long way from his native Alabama. Report From Week 762, in which we asked readers to take a two-term heading from the top of any page of any print dictionary (or the terms in reverse order) and define it as a compound word. As we predicted, hardly anyone cited a dictionary printed in the 21st century. We thought Marian Carlsson would win the Olde English prize, using a Winston Dictionary, College Edition, from 1949. But then we got Chris Doyle's entry citing Merriam-Webster's New International Dictionary of . . . 1909. Another clue that people are used to relying to electronic vocabulary assistance: A remarkable number of the words submitted were misspelled. 4. Gate-gavotte: The peculiar dance airplane travelers do while rushing out of the security checkpoint while putting their shoes back on and holding their pants up until they can get their belts fastened. (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) 3. Urinalysis-Usherette: The absolute lowest rung of the medical profession. (Will Cramer, Herndon) 2. the winner of the book "Toilets of the World": Viridian-Visine: Gets the whatever-the-hell-color- that-is out. (J. Calvin Smith, Greenbelt) And the Winner of the Inker Bird of paradise-bison: Where buffalo wings come from. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Wannabe-Webster: Honorable Mentions Aft-affliction: A pain in the butt. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Amorous-Ammeter: New device issued to Date Lab couples to measure the quantity of sparks flying. (John Kupiec, Fairfax) Apostrophe-appetite: A craving for Kellogg's Corn Flakes, hors d'oeuvres, Mrs. Paul's fish sticks and Uncle Ben's rice. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Backward-bake: A new feature on expensive ovens that allows you to uncook overdone food. (Julie Thomas, Herndon) Bank-barbarian: Sub-primate. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Calvinism-camp: The Depravity of Mankind -- The Musical! (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Dirty tricks-dip: Salsa con Saliva. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Dry mop-duel: Two janitors enter; one janitor leaves! (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Egress-elbow: Technique for getting out of a subway car. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Ellipsoid-embezzling: How Howard Cosell would describe an interception. (Elwood Fitzner) Eunuch-etiquette: Rule 1: Don't ask, "How's it hanging?" (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase) Fast-talk-faux pas: A gaffe a minute. (Beverley Sharp) Finnish-fireplug: Where a spitz, um, spits. (Tom Jabine, Silver Spring, a First Offender) Flake-flap: The Nader-Keyes presidential debate. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Foster-four: The number of lagers after which anyone starts to look pretty good. (Peter Metrinko) Fragrance-frank: "You stink." (J. Calvin Smith) Funeral-fork: On some Pacific islands, the proper utensil to use at a lying-in-state dinner. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Ganja-gargle: To drink bong water. (Loren Bolstridge, Minneapolis, a First Offender) Genital-geography: G marks the spot. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Goths-government: Butch and Chainy. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Grating-gram: A birthday card with a chip that plays "It's a Small World." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Honest-hominy: True grits. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.) Honor-hopscotch: The first kindergarten AP class. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Huddle-hump: THIS is in the Macmillan children's dictionary? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Kidney-keno: One alternative to the organ waiting list. (Kevin Dopart) Listless-lizard: A gecko that doesn't give a damn about your car insurance. (Pam Sweeney) Meantime-mausoleum: The freezer at the morgue. (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) Methuselah-metric: Rare measure by which John McCain can claim youthfulness. (Dan Ramish, Vienna) Monsterlike-Monty: Those in the front row probably want to move back a bit . . . (J. Calvin Smith) Non-nonessential: Gotta have it! (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Nose-no-man's-land: Area inside the nostril where you just can't get that booger. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo., the Ozarks) Nothingness-novice: Jean-Paul Starter. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Placebo-plan: The new budget health insurance option. (Bob Kurlantzick, Potomac) Possum-Porterhouse: Don't ask too many questions about the steak at the Roadkill Cafe. (Pam Sweeney) Prayer-precinct: Obama campaign term for a voting district populated by bitter people with guns. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville) Prune-pseudonymity: Non de plum. (Donna Justice, Ashburn, a First Offender) Scalp-scatterbrain: You need the first to prevent the second. (Anne Paris, Arlington) Scanty-scat: What a cub does in the woods. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Sound-South American : Something you don't want to do in Prince William County. (Brendan Beary) Southern-spackling: Grits. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville; Seth Walton, Hillsboro, Va., a First Offender) Topiary-torment: Beating around the bush. (Jennifer Rubio, Oakton) Until-up: The interval before the Viagra kicks in. (Jerrie Olson, Frederick) Wedgy-weight: One class below featherweight. (Michael Crow, Takoma Park, a First Offender) With-wobbly: Designated driver. (Will Cramer) Y chromosome-yes: The first box to check off on the Chippendale's application. (Andrew Hoenig) And Last: Exquisite-excrement: With "Since 1993," the motto of The Style Invitational. (Kevin Dopart) Next Week: Another Time Around the Track, or Multiplication Stables ====================================================================== WEEK 767, published May 31, 2008 Week 767: Questionable Journalism A. I can't believe that even a French doctor would be okay with this, and I think she's being terribly selfish. Q. Miss Manners, do you think it's fair for my grandma to smoke an entire carton of cigarettes every day, and refuse to share any of them with me? The Washington Post prides itself on a readership -- still numbering in the plural -- that not only peruses the paper with avidity, but also has the penetrating intelligence to question what it reads. This week: Find any sentence (or a substantive part of a sentence) that appears in The Post or in an article on washingtonpost.com from May 31 through June 9 and come up with a question it might answer, as in the example above from today's Carolyn Hax column. Please cite the date and page number of the article you're using (or if you're online, copy out that section of the article). Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the genuine idiotic beanie pictured here, found by the Empress lying in a pile of discards in the newsroom (she must start sitting up at work) and modeled here by the genuine Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, the Hall of Fame Loser whose name is more closely associated with The Style Invitational than any other, with the possible exception of Preparation H. Chuck posed with the chapeau at the behest of the Empress and at the urging of the crowd at this month's Flushies, the Losers' own awards banquet, which this year drew 70 odd (no hyphen necessary) lunchers to College Park. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 9. Put "Week 767" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 28. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by both John O'Byrne of Dublin and Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Howard Walderman of Columbia. Report From Week 763, in which we asked you to breed grandfoals, so to speak, from the winning foal names of Week 759: 5. Best in Shoe + Don L'Arson = Prada the Yankees (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, a First Offender) 4. Ponderosé + Westward Ho = Light Red District (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3. Artsy Fartsy + YachtaYachtaYachta = PootinOnTheRitz (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 2. the winner of the souvenir Preakness glasses and assorted memorabilia: Letter of the Law + PIN the Tail = Throw the Book ATM (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) And the Winners of One Inker Each Bugs Stops Here + Torah!Torah!Torah! = Yo, Semite Sam! (Pam Sweeney, Germantown; Kevin Dopart) The Stall Warts: Honorable Mentions Acid Trip + AZ the World Turns = pHoenix (Danny Bravman, St. Louis) Acid Trip + Dr. Shoals = Reef Madness (Ron Bottomly, Columbia) Acid Trip + Scared Icon = Timothy Leery (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Artsy Fartsy + Holy See = Hallow Dali (Chris Doyle, traveling in Lima, Peru) Artsy Fartsy + Oh, He's Only 71 = Fartsy (Harvey Smith, McLean) Best in Shoe + I Hate That Dog = Jimmy Chews (Cy Gardner, Arlington) BFD + Torah!Torah!Torah! = Surly Temple (Jay Shuck) Bugs Stops Here + Westward Ho = What's Up, Doxy? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Bugs Stops Here + I See Debt, People = Blanc Check (Michael Mason, Fairfax) Buy Your Leave + What Goes Around = Ransom Laps (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Cherubimbo + Mover and Shaker = Babe Magnate (Chris Doyle) Don L'Arson + Holy See = Perfect Goyim (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Dr. Shoals + Hoss's Ass = Hippocratic Oaf (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Handheld + Holy See = Palm Pilate (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Holy See + Pants on Fire = Hot Cross Buns (Mark Eckenwiler) Holy See + What Goes Around = Roamin' Catholic (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Hoss's Ass + $0$ = Bottom Dollar (Kevin Dopart; Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Hoss's Ass + Hamburger Hamlet = Fanny Get Your Bun (George Vary, Bethesda) I Hate That Dog + Hits the Fan = Shih Tzu (Ira Allen, Bethesda; Chris Doyle) I'll Call You + Roger, Houston = Let's Do Launch (Andrew Hoenig) In Obits + I'll Call You = Dead Ringer (Kevin Dopart) Mock Twain + Hits the Fan = Parody Pooper (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Oh, He's Only 71 + There Will Be Bud = McCain-Rheingold (Mark Eckenwiler) Oh, He's Only 71 + Tyger Tyger = Turning Right (Harvey Smith) Pants on Fire + Atlas Chugged = Randy McNally (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Projectile Varmint + Hits the Fan = PopGoesTheWeasel (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Projectile Varmint + I Hate That Dog = Pukingese (Chris Doyle) ReplyHazy TryAgain + Westward Ho = Can U Whore Me Now (Roy Ashley, Washington) Reports of My Death + I See Debt, People = Bury Bonds (Mark Eckenwiler) Roger, Houston + Pants on Fire = We Have a Problem (Kathy A. Fisher, Kerrville, Tex., a First Offender; Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Samuel Longhorn + Tyger Tyger = Steers and Stripes (Mark Eckenwiler) Talk to the Hand + Artsy Fartsy = Parlez à la Main (Chris Doyle) The Foresight Saga + Westward Ho = Seersucker (Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif.) There Will Be Bud + Bugs Stops Here: There Will Be Fudd (Russell Beland, Springfield) There Will Be Bud + In Obits = King of Biers (Andrew Hoenig) There Will Be Bud + Hits the Fan = Keg Potty (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.; Christopher Lamora) Torah!Torah!Torah! + Acid Trip = Shul Daze (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Tryst and Shout + Bun Baby Bun = Rock 'n' Roll (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington; David Roberts, Victoria, B.C., a First Offender) Westward Ho + 4,065 Entries = Wilt's Week in LA (Rob Wolf) $0$ + I See Debt, People = The Six Cents (Danny Bravman; Roy Ashley) Next Week: Can You Up Chuck?, or Norris Mythology ====================================================================== WEEK 768, published June 7, 2008 Week 768: The Events Described Herein Are Entirely Fictitious No fewer than 17 different animal species were beheaded for one small scene in "The Godfather" until Francis Ford Coppola said, "I know -- a horse!" It's time once again for some more outright lies: This time we'll focus the fictoids on that bastion of The Whole Truth, the silver screen. Loser Lawrence McGuire suggests: Come up with fictitious movie trivia, as in Bob Staake's example above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. For second place: You know those "stress balls" -- those molded foam things, in various shapes, that you're supposed to squeeze for relaxation, when work is making you just a little bit crazy? They're often given out by organizations as promotional material, as this one was. It is from the U.S. Army. It has the U.S. Army logo and "WWW.ARMY.MIL." It is green. It is in the shape of . . . A hand grenade. (Donated by Russell Beland of Springfield, whose stress ball of choice is one of his 10 Inkers.) Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 16. Put "Week 768" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Chris Doyle, who sent it while traveling in Quito, Ecuador. And you wonder why some people get so dang much ink. Report From Week 764, in which we sought additions to the canon of Chuck Norris Facts, evidence of the tough-guyness, superhumanness and general divinity of the karate-kickin' actor: One frequently submitted entry: Chuck Norris already found and captured Osama bin Laden, but the government secretly made Chuck put him back. And numerous people took the opportunity to cleverly note that Chuck Norris can split an infinitive with his bare hands. 4.Chuck Norris does not buy hurricane insurance. Hurricanes buy Chuck Norris insurance. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) 3.Chuck Norris sneezes with his eyes open. (Michele Uhler, Fort Washington) 2. the winner of the set of Tattoos for the Elderly: Steel is made of Chuck Norris's bones . (Thomas Hansen, Rockville, a First Offender) And the Winner of the Inker: Chuck Norris doesn't need to bathe. He just breaks your nose so you can't smell. (Robert Gallagher, Falls Church, a First Offender) Brawn's Medalists: Honorable Mentions Chuck Norris doesn't hit the snooze alarm -- time stops until Chuck Norris is ready to get up. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Chuck Norris once killed a guy for interrupting his meditation. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Chuck Norris can make a 190-degree triangle. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) "Chuck Norris" spelled backwards is "Chuck Norris." (Marc Channick, San Diego) Little Chuckie Norris didn't cry when Bambi's mom died -- he got hungry. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Chuck Norris could win "Dancing With the Stars" with Ruth Bader Ginsburg as his partner. (Rick Haynes) Chuck Norris doesn't surf the Internet -- he walks on it. (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) If this entry doesn't get ink, Chuck Norris will destroy The Washington Post. (Greg Pearson, Arlington) Chuck Norris can outdrink Hillary and out-wine-taste Obama. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) The aliens' probes broke on Chuck Norris. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Chuck Norris files his fingernails on chalkboards. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) When Chuck Norris orders Peking duck, 17.9 million Chinese people put their heads down. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Chuck Norris does not obey the law of gravity. He humors it. (Jeff Brechlin) Chuck Norris used to be the best logger in the Mojave Forest. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Chuck Norris can eat an egg and poop out a live chicken. (Harry Wood, Andover, Mass., a First Offender) Q: How many Chuck Norrises does it take to change a light bulb? A: Trick question -- there is only one Chuck Norris. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Chuck Norris can clap with one finger. (Art Grinath) Chuck Norris auditioned for the circus by stuffing a dozen Volkswagens into a clown. (Kevin Dopart) If Chuck Norris had been in "The Terminator" instead of Arnold, no one would have believed it because Chuck can't play a wuss. (Keith Waites, Frederick, whose last Invitational ink was in 2002) On a Metro escalator, Chuck Norris stands right, kills left. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) When Chuck Norris passes through a tollbooth, the cashiers throw money in his mouth. (Jon Spell, Orem, Utah) What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas until Chuck Norris tells it to leave. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Chuck Norris makes diamonds by rolling boogers between his fingers. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) The American flag wears a Chuck Norris pin. (Dan Ramish, Vienna) Chuck Norris solved Fermat's Last Theorem. By punching it. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Only three people have called Chuck Norris "Charlie" -- and he turned them into angels. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Chuck Norris has Sunday dinner at Chick-fil-A. (Michele Uhler) Chuck Norris commutes from Stafford to the Pentagon in only 35 minutes. (Sam Ackerman, Clifton, a First Offender) Chuck Norris eats toys made in China. (Tod Hale, Fredericksburg, a First Offender) If Chuck Norris were French, then . . . oh, let's face it, Chuck Norris could never be French. (Paul VerNooy) And Last: Chuck Norris gets to use a pseudonym in The Style Invitational. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: It's Doo-Dah Day, or Swanee Ribbers ====================================================================== WEEK 769, published June 14, 2008 Week 769: Splice Work If You Can Get It Zeppelingerie: Undergarments for the full-figured frau. Vivacuous: Describing a cheerleader. Trepanache: The ability to keep your head when someone is trying to drill holes in it. We've done this contest only once before, back in 2002 (though we concede that numerous entries from other contests would fit it): Combine two words -- overlapping by at least two letters -- into what's known by polysyllabic types as a portmanteau word, and by the rest of us as a mash word, and define it. Note: Because of limits on the Empress's space, time and sanity, the portmanteau words must begin with a letter from S through Z (the second word in the combination is unrestricted) and you may send only your very best 20 (fewer are also welcome). The examples above, from the 2002 go-round, are by Frank Mullen III, John Shea and Chuck Smith, respectively. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a plush squeaky dog toy in the shape of a pair of scissors, of the brand Chewish Treats. What makes it Invite-prize-worthy? On the scissors is embroidered the word "Moyel." What makes it Loser-perfect? When he bought it, Loser Dave Prevar of Annapolis did not know what "moyel" (usually spelled "mohel") referred to. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 23. Put "Week 769" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Brad Alexander. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. And this week's contest was suggested by Mr. Dopart, who is so new to The Style Invitational that he thought he made it up himself. Report From Week 765, in which we asked you to write state songs (or songs for the District) set to any of five Stephen Foster melodies. Numerous people came up with a song beginning "I dream of Jersey with the light brown air"; below is the best of them (plus an even better one for California). The worst rhyme of the week, in a week with lots of competition: "Long brown hair" and "raison d'etre." "Hair NET" would have been a better rhyme. As usual, we were extremely flexible as to what constituted a state song. More Honorable Mentions, along with links to the Foster melodies, are at www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. 4 North Dakota, to "Oh! Susanna": Oh I live in North Dakota, population 93, Where the land is flat and barren (Though we have one real nice tree). Most of us are blond Norwegians (Swedes provide diversity). All the smart kids leave by 20 And the rest just watch TV. North Dakota, bleak dust bowl of ennui. If I can't be Minnesotan, North Dakota works for me. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 3 Florida, to "Old Folks at Home": Six decades-plus of careful plannin' Brought them to stay. Most accident'ly vote Buchanan Every Election Day. Oh, that Palm Beach County fracas Now seems so remote. "I like that kid Barack Dukakis," So say the old folks who vote. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 2 The winner of the hardware-motif necktie with the accompanying guide "How to Tie a Tie": California, to "Oh! Susanna": I come from Tijuana with a kilo inside me. I'm goin' to Pasadena, my connection for to see. Eleven condoms swallowed whole, I got a good supply; But here's one more you can unroll -- Chicana, don't you cry. Hey, Chicana, oh, won't you buy from me? For I come from Tijuana with a kilo COD. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker California, to "Jeanie With the Light Brown Hair": I dream of L.A. with its light brown air, Cars choke the freeways, I don't really care. I miss the monsoons, mudslides, fires, too. Looking for enchantment? Alcatraz shines through. California has more folks than any other state. We may be overcrowded -- ah, but just you wait. The Big One's coming, and when it rolls through, Homes in Sacramento get an ocean view. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) More Beautiful Screamers: Honorable Mentions New Jersey, to I dream of Jersey with the light brown air, Twelve is the exit, there's that bright Chevron flare I see bird-flipping by a thug on a bike, Cranky as the toll hags we paid on the Pike. Many were the wild times, though we bet there'd be more, Many were the needles that washed on the shore. We dream of Jersey, it's our shared nightmare, Many are the buried (if we only knew where). (Kevin Dopart) Florida, to "Oh! Susanna" I'm moving to the Sunshine State, So carefully I drive 'Cause the main highway and average age They both are 95 . . . (Rob Cohen, Potomac) Nevada, to "My Old Kentucky Home": The sun shines bright on my old Nevada home. Casinos are calling, "Come play!" Roulette wheels spin, and the dice will do you in, While the slots eat dollars all the day. Then you'll see nude ladies! They're buxom, blond and brash. When your wife finds out, then you'll know it wasn't true: All that "stays in Vegas" is (ha-ha) your cash. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Utah, to "Jeanie With the Light Brown Hair": I dream of Utah, it's the bright red state; Not gonna vote for a Democratic slate; Remember that slip-up back in '64, Hippies with their daisy ad warned "Nuclear war!" "Goldwater's a wily goat who'd drop an atom bomb; Johnson is a sly bird who'd render things calm." I dream that Utah won't make that slip again; Only vote Republican till 3010. (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) Mississippi, to "Old Folks at Home" Way down upon the Yazoo River, Mis-sis-sip-pi, That's where the earth is turning over Bodies from '63. Every state must have a motto, seems to be the law We'll say this of our El Dorado: "Least we're not Arkansas." (Ira Allen, Bethesda) The District of Columbia, to "Camptown Races": Washington is hip deep in, doo dah! doo dah! You just can't scrub it off your skin, Oh, doo dah day! Whether you ran on the right, or ran as a pinko gay, You take your money from a lobbyist Who's giving it away. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Oklahoma, to "Oh! Susanna" I come from Oklahoma, Where the wind sweeps down the plain And wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet When the wind's behind the rain. In Oklahoma every night My honey lamb and I, We sit and talk and watch a hawk Make circles in the sky. Oklahoma! We know you're doin' fine! Ai-yip-ai-ay! (I'd better say These lyrics aren't mine.) (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) See more honorable mentions from Week 765. Next Week: Think to Shudder, or All the Ewwws Fit to Print. More Honorable Mentions from Week 765 of The Style Invitational, in which we asked for "state songs" set to any of five Stephen Foster melodies: Louisiana, to "Oh! Susanna": Oh, our state's a cinch to recognize, it's bent just like an L, and our pols are even crookeder, and we think that's just swell. To succeed in bayou politics takes slickness and panache, plus a shakedown scheme and a prostitute and a freezer full of cash. Lou-zee-anna! From Shreveport to Slidell, if a politician's honest, he'd be too ashamed to tell. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Florida, to "Oh! Susanna" Oh, we drove our truck to Florida, smack through that hurrycane. An' we tried to find some Southern folks, but everyone's from Maine. Though the skeeters look like Air Force jets, the wildlife sure is fine. But the 'gators got mah arm and leg; the sharks are next in line. Oh, Miami! 'Bout when will we arrive? Well, I shore do hope we live that long -- we're stuck on 95. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Alaska, to "Old Folks at Home" Way up inside the Arctic Circle, Far, far away, There's where the sun is shining never, That's why we drink all day. All Alaska's dark and dreary, Everywhere I roam. Please take me where I won't grow weary: Far from the cold folks in Nome. (Beverley Sharp) Hawaii, to "Oh! Susanna": That Senator Obama, who keeps saying "Yes, we can!" Can draw the crowds that Don Ho could and make each brah his fan. He's only half a haole; he can dance a decent hula. With luck and some aloha he will be our nation's rulah. Oh, Hawaii! It's time to jump for joy. We'll finally get a president who doesn't gag on poi. (Randy Lee, Burke) Florida, to "Jeanie With the Light Brown Hair": "I Dream of Jeannie," "Nip/Tuck," "Empty Nest," "The Golden Girls" and "Flipper," "The Real World: Key West," "Miami Vice" and "Inocente de Ti." These shows are set in Florida And broadcast on TV. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) West Virginia, to "Oh! Susanna": Oh we live in West Virginia and we need to set things straight: We're not all banjo pickers and we're not all overweight. Our uncles aren't our husbands, and our nieces aren't our wives, our teeth are straight and strong and we shall keep them all our lives. West Virginia! We've had it with your jokes, now go back to Alabama and harass them redneck folks! (Rob Cohen, Potomac) ====================================================================== WEEK 770, published June 21, 2008 Week 770: A Knack for Anachronism If 21st-Century Girls Had 17th-Century Standards Tricia: Oh my God, Kara, take a look at Henry Popper over there lying on the bench! Kara: Wow. Look at that full gut. He must be, like, totally well fed and wealthy . . . compared to Biff Ryland over there playing Frisbee, all sinewy and shirtless. Tricia: Gross! Look at those abs and well-defined delts. Uhh, can you say "field laborer"? Why doesn't he just wear a sign that says, "I don't get to eat figgy pudding with gravy very often"? The aforementioned illustration of shifting aesthetics regarding the human form as a reflection of socioeconomic class, by New York improv actor David Siegel, appears in longer form on the influential academic forum CollegeHumor.com and was forwarded to us by Confirmed Loser Peter Metrinko of Chantilly, who suggests this contest: Take a famous historical moment, literary passage or movie scene and place it in an entirely different age. Peter also cites Bob Newhart's classic 1960 telephone monologue in which Abe Lincoln's Madison Avenue press agent coaches him on his image ("You typed it? Abe, how many times have we told you: On the backs of envelopes!"). Length limit: 81 words, which just happens to be the length of the example. Much shorter entries are also enthusiastically welcomed. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine Abe Lincoln Bobblehead, which does not by any stretch depict Abe Lincoln or his head. Instead, it depicts pretty well the Washington Nationals' Abe Lincoln mascot, which has a luscious Antonio Banderas head of hair, and also a pretty smoldering expression, come to think of it. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 30. Put "Week 770" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 19. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Brendan Beary. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte. Report From Week 766, in which we asked for situations that could be summed up with the singsong comment "Awwwk-ward": 4 You discover that the guy at the party you've just castigated for his disgusting imitation of a disability was not, in fact, doing an imitation. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) 3 As an April Fool's joke, you "come out" to your dad. He immediately breaks down and tells you that he, too, is gay. Now you don't know whether to tell him it was just a prank, or to pretend to be gay the rest of your life to spare his feelings. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 2 the winner of the empty bottle of Pschitt: You set a match to a bag of poop on your neighbor's doorstep and your pants leg catches fire. (Howie Kallem, Arlington, a First Offender) And the Winner of the Inker At a job interview, a secretary escorts you into the office of your prospective boss and announces, "Mr. Pervert is here to see you." (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) The Blush League: Honorable Mentions At the theater, your cellphone starts ringing right in the middle of Hamlet's soliloquy, and you're the one playing Hamlet. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Your dog deposits on a stranger's lawn, and the stranger is standing right there watering the flowers, and you realize that the only possible pickup device on you is your Nationals cap. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) You walk in as your 6-year-old asks your mother-in-law to blow up the balloon he found in a foil wrapper on your nightstand. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Your neighbor is asking if you've seen her poodle when your pit bull suddenly throws up a little pink collar. (Mary Lou French, Winchester, Va.) You go to the bathroom in the dark when your in-laws are visiting, and sit down on your father-in-law's lap. (a true story from Anne Levy, Annandale, whose only previous Invitational ink was in 1995) When your date introduces herself to your boss at the office party, you realize you hadn't made it clear to her that "Mr. Schmuckhead" is not his actual name. (Ellen Raphaeli) When you tell your mother-in-law you're pregnant, she asks who the father is. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) At a tense meeting, you lean over to whisper something in the ear of an elaborately coiffed female business associate, and then realize one of her scalp hairs is stuck between your front teeth. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) You read your name on the JumboTron at the game, followed by: "Not in a million years, you loser." (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) You have one of those nightmares in which you're lying naked on a beach with people gawking at you, and you're also 40 minutes late for an exam. Then you wake up and find that at least you're not late for an exam. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) During confession, the priest starts by asking what you're wearing. (Kevin Dopart) You compliment your wife on her waffles and she tells you that it's a souffle. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) You come back to your table, the cute blond foreign chick you just met is sitting there, you give her a little back rub, and then she tells you she is the chancellor of Germany. Like, who would see that coming? (Larry Yungk, Arlington) You have the trots and rush into a public toilet, do your business, and then discover there's no TP. But there's a guy in the next stall . . . -- L. Craig, Washington (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Moments before you and your fellow Mossad assassins hit the terrorist camp, you realize you were the one who was supposed to bring the bagels. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) You get locked outside your house in your bathrobe . . . belt. (Russell Beland) The song selected for your "American Idol" round is "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider." (Howard Walderman) No one in church laughs at your joke about Jesus and the crippled prostitute. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) On a walk after dinner on your first date, the cute guy takes you by the hand, and three of your Lee Press-On Nails slide right into his palm. (Sharon Riley, Raleigh, N.C., a First Offender) You didn't realize you would get a screen credit as a fluffer. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Your boss tells you she saw your name Saturday in The Style Invitational. "But what does 'MILF' mean anyway?" she asks. (Drew Bennett) The Empress gives you credit the next time she runs this contest, but instead of "suggested by," it says "inspired by." (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) Next Week: Questionable Journalism, or Full o' Daffy Inquirers ====================================================================== WEEK 771, published June 28, 2008 Week 771: Groaner's Manuals For the Department of Transportation: "Our Way Is the Highway" "The Straight Poop: How to Write Style Invitational Entries" "The Ten Condiments: A Guide for Our Chefs" Primordial Loser Elden Carnahan, having committed Style Invitational ink for more than 15 years, has thought it wise of late to make himself more useful to his church. Elden's current project is to prepare a sort of operations manual for Laurel Presbyterian, and so for advice he immediately turned to his fellow Losers on the Losernet e-mail group, at least for the title of the guide. The best, from Andrew Hoenig of Rockville: "Calvin and Jobs." Elden suggests we broaden the search. This week: Come up with a humorous name for a guide or manual for, or a book about, a particular enterprise or organization, as in the examples above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives one of the finest prizes we have ever awarded: an authentic (according to the package) Zulu mcedo sent directly from South Africa, courtesy of Loser Robin Diallo of Dakar, Senegal. A mcedo is a, well, it's a round little protective cap of woven grass that looks like a large acorn with a hole at one end. It's worn below the belt. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 7. Put "Week 771" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by John O'Byrne. This week's Honorable Mentions name is sort of by Roy Ashley. Report From Week 767, in we asked you to find a sentence appearing in that week's Post or on washingtonpost.com and supply a sentence that it might (in a very odd world) answer: 4. Sentence in The Post: You have to do some digging and think outside the box in the Washington area this year. Question: What was Whiskers the Cat's advice on coping with the local kitty litter shortage? (Roy Ashley, Washington) 3. The time had come, France conceded. What is the complete text of the chapter on World War I in "A History of Europe, Abridged" (later repeated as the chapter on World War II)? (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) 2. the winner of the silly multicolor beanie with spinner : "When the choice is between destroying or being destroyed, it's better to destroy." For the sake of scansion, what line did Paul Simon later replace with "I'd rather be a hammer than a nail"? (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the Winner of the Inker I don't know if I should say something, let it roll off, or what. "Isn't that the neighbors' baby up on the roof?" (Beverley Sharp, Washington) What in No Way Confer Honor? "She touched a lot of people," said Theresa Gropelli, 43. Why did Theresa's ancient ancestor adopt such an unusual surname? (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Cautionary reports about their mercury levels limit us both to ordering them no more than weekly. Al, is it true that you and Tipper are so concerned about global warming that you've taken to snacking on thermometers? (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif., a First Offender) In actuality, it was like 40 below zero. Senator Feinstein characterized the Clinton-Obama meeting in her living room as "warm" -- was that really true? (Christopher Lamora) The firefighter won, and the general apologized. What happened during the argument that nearly doomed the reunion of the Village People? (Russell Beland) "I didn't think I would see it happen in my lifetime." What did Sen. Obama say when Sen. Clinton finally conceded? (Mae Scanlan, Washington) That's the hurdle. Why is this finish-line ribbon so thick? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) "Come on," Nurse Frosty urged, shaking her head as my husband rose to go with me. What's today's installment of The Post's new Porn of the Day column? (George Vary, Bethesda) It's been a year and a half. What have the last 11 weeks been like for your dog? (Russell Beland) The ripple effects are already being felt. What's happening at 5 p.m. on Skid Row? (David Komornik, Danville, Va.) It's all about the kids, making sure they are engaged. What do families do for fun at the Yearning for Zion Ranch? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Since 1994, state and federal authorities have poured these millions into rejuvenating the famous bivalves and the centuries-old industry that relies on them. Does Nevada really spend tax dollars on Botox for prostitutes? (Mike Fransella, Arlington) The situation . . . should make same-sex couples think twice about walking down the isle. Is it true that conservative activists on Catalina Island have threatened to push honeymooning gay couples into to the ocean? (Christopher Lamora) "That's what you call a shellacking!" At the Alexandre de Paris hair salon, what do they say about Cindy McCain's coiffure? (Christopher Lamora) In the District, no major heat-related problems were reported, but officials opened four cooling centers. What was the D.C. government's response to the last blizzard? (Russell Beland) "I feel like a 1,000-pound bear has been lifted off my chest." What did the dazed hiker in Glacier National Park say when rescuers pried a 1,000-pound bear off his chest? (Mae Scanlan) Alternate spellings include "qat." What might you find in the Porn Spammer's Glossary? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "I'll be glad when it's back on." What was Tom Arnold's reaction when he finally saw his first wife without her dress? (Russell Beland) They actually use the inside of their eyes to push food down into their throats. What separates champion competitive eaters from, say, your in-laws? (Kevin Dopart) About 51,000 couples, half the gay couples in California, are projected to wed over the next three years. Why does the Advocate project a three-year drop in California gay sex? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It was the third such evacuation in four months. Are you sure you're constipated? (Jay Shuck) The older we get, the more interested we are in (a) food and (b) sadism. Which proposed new tagline did AARP reject immediately? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) No experience is needed. What's the one good thing about dying? (Beverley Sharp) The grapes were crushed. Who wasn't happy to see Prohibition end? (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) But Obama supporters said he needed to do more. Don't you think his admission of youthful drug use will hurt his chances? (Russell Beland) Consider the fat panda: Half - cooked dumpling, doughy child of destiny. Are there any lesser-known Chinese dishes one should try? (Marc Boysworth, Burke, a First Offender) Eight sports pages, including three full baseball pages, but not one story about the Stanley Cup finals. Why do I love the Washington Post sports section? (Michael Gaffney, Cabin John, a First Offender) You're nothing, and we're going to treat you like the nothing you are. And don't ever hope to think that you have a chance of being treated differently. Can I have a T-shirt? (Steve Offutt, Arlington) Next Week: The Events Described Herein Are Entirely Fictitious, or It's Unreel ====================================================================== WEEK 772, published July 5, 2008 Week 772: Make It Simple, Stupid Hey, that window looks all lit up. Must be my sunny girl Juliet. Other-Coast Loser Jane Auerbach sent the Empress a copy of a letter published in the Los Angeles Times this month in which the writer, Grant Nemirow, whined about a recent profile of a movie director: "How many Los Angeles residents under 40 (a demographic newspapers must keep and expand if they are to remain in business) know the meaning of the following words in this one article: phantasmagoria, bucolic, aesthetic, soupçon, diminution, schadenfreude, contretemps and vicissitudes?" The article with those eight stumpers ran more than 1,200 words. Maybe Grant figures that people don't start learning long words until after age 40; more likely he's arguing that long words are some archaic form of the language, unnecessary and frankly a waste of time in the T9 Texting Two Thousands. So let's help Grant here: Translate a sentence or two of literature or other good writing so that "Los Angeles residents under 40" can appreciate it. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine (if nonworking) screaming yellow Cold War era Geiger counter, of the type used to furnish fallout shelters in the 1960s. Sue Pierce of Rockville, who donated it to us, said her husband got it from a surplus catalogue after he had prostate surgery and wanted to see if he'd set it off. "Alas, no luck with that," Sue says, but happily Mr. Sue is now cancer-free. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 14. Put "Week 772" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 2. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by both Mae Scanlan and Brad Alexander. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Randy Lee. Report From Week 768, in which we asked for fictitious movie trivia: 4. The Japanese flag shown in "Tora Tora Tora" was mistakenly flown upside down for the first half of the movie. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) 3. "Schindler's List" was never actually filmed. -- M. Ahmadinejad, Tehran (N.G. Andrews, Portsmouth, Va.) 2. the winner of the U.S. Army promotional stress-relieving hand grenade: Even though RKO spent $50,000 to clean up the Empire State Building afterward, the producers ultimately chose not to use the "King Kong" poo-flinging scene. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) And the Winner of the Inker Despite its reputation, one out of seven people who saw "Gigli" actually liked it. Her name was Susan. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Grateful Just to Be Nominated: Honorable Mentions John Hinckley was actually more impressed with Harvey Keitel in "Taxi Driver" but didn't want anyone to think he was gay. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) The first documented product placement in film history was by the Rosebud Sled Co. (Patrick Kelly, Brampton, Ontario, a First Offender) The flying monkeys used in "The Wizard of Oz" were sold to research laboratories after the movie was filmed. (Stephen Dudzik) Despite their classic love story that has thrilled millions, Fay Wray and King Kong actually hated each other. (G. Smith, New York) In an extreme example of Method acting, Jack Nicholson had an actual lobotomy for the ending of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." His doctors later reversed the operation, restoring almost all function. (Jonathan Kaye, Washington) Samuel L. Jackson once turned down a script. (Dan Hauser, Arlington, a First Offender) "Over the Rainbow" was nearly cut from "The Wizard of Oz," but test audiences preferred it to the proposed up-tempo number called "If Miss Gulch Takes My Dog, I'll Burn Down Her Barn." (Cy Gardner, Arlington) While "Finding Nemo" was based on a true story, in real life they were all bacteria. (Russell Beland) For theaters in much of the Bible Belt, the 1966 film "One Million Years B.C." was retitled "Three Thousand Years B.C." (Russell Beland) One of the elf extras in the party scene at the end of "Shrek" killed himself during filming. You can see his feet dangling in the top right corner of the screen. (Chuck Koelbel, Houston) Because George C. Scott's slapping of the soldier in "Patton" lacked conviction during early takes, the director brought in the renowned slapper Moe Howard to coach him. (Lee Dobbins, Arlington) "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" was the first general-release American movie to contain the words "@$%%!!{$181}{rcub}," "&*%#@" and a certain form of "$%{$181}*#$." (Cy Gardner) "West Side Story" was originally envisioned as a straight play set in Renaissance Italy. (Russell Beland) Two Cary Grant facts: He never said "Judy Judy Judy" in a film. And he never wore underwear. (Cy Gardner) Earlier drafts of the script for "No Country for Old Men" had an ending. (Cy Gardner) In addition to dubbing Natalie Wood's singing in "West Side Story," Marni Nixon was also the voice of Richard Beymer as Tony. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) F. Murray Abraham has said that he drew his inspiration for his role as Salieri in "Amadeus" from his deep hatred of Mozart and his music. (Victor Lee, Leonia, N.J., a First Offender) Linda Blair won the role of Regan in "The Exorcist" over more experienced actresses because she was the only one who could rotate her head 360 degrees and projectile-vomit at will. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington; G. Smith) Every one of Woody Allen's leading ladies has been legally blind. (Larry Yungk) "Apollo 13" was filmed on the same soundstage that NASA used to fake the moon landings. (Russ Taylor, Vienna; Larry Yungk) In a scene cut from "All About Eve," Bette Davis suddenly addresses the moviegoer and spits, "Theater people really do talk this way, you know." (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) The Academy Award was nicknamed Oscar after King Oscar I of Sweden, who was gold-plated. (Jacob Aldridge, Gaythorne, Australia) The ugly child who played the part of E.T. performed without makeup. (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) Robert De Niro prepared for his role in "Taxi Driver" by driving a taxi in New York for six weeks. Then he killed several pimps. (Marc Leibert, Jersey City) Howard Hughes designed Errol Flynn's cantilevered codpiece for "The Adventures of Robin Hood." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) In "Being John Malkovich," Johnny Depp was originally cast to play Malkovich, but he had to pull out due to illness. (Kevin Dopart) Unsure how the war in Europe would go, "Casablanca" director Michael Curtiz considered an alternative script in which Rick, Ilsa and Victor fly to Germany, fleeing French Resistance terrorists. (M.C. Dornan, Scottsdale, Ariz., a First Offender) In the fourth "Die Hard" movie, Bruce Willis did his own smirking. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If you listen carefully during the climactic scene of "The Natural," you can hear the ping of an aluminum bat. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) In his first movie, "Animal House," Kevin Bacon had nothing in common with anyone else in the cast. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg) Early digital editing techniques were used on "Return of the Dragon" to make it appear as if Bruce Lee beat up Chuck Norris, since no one can actually beat up Chuck Norris. (Keith Waites, Frederick) Next Week: Splice Work if You Can Get It, or Joined at the Quip ====================================================================== WEEK 773, published July 12, 2008 Week 773: Always Looking for Sects Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul is flung onto a roof and just stays there. And perhaps that's where the soul of the famously atheistic George Carlin is currently residing. If one can believe a single phrase occurring in dozens of obviously copied Internet hits, Carlin "invented the parody religion Frisbeetarianism for a newspaper contest." Unfortunately, it wasn't ours. Fortunately, it's your turn: This week: Coin a religion or belief system and tell us its basic tenet or distinguishing characteristic. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives "Brides Behaving Badly," a collection of wedding photos from what must have been the alumnae of the Tonya Harding School of Elegant Deportment and Apparel. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 21. Put "Week 773" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 9. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by devout Frisbeetarian Andrew Hoenig. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 769, in which we asked for portmanteau words -- words combining two words in which at least two letters overlap. Most people had no trouble noticing that the words had to begin with a letter from S to Z; those who sent entries from all over the alphabet (a group that may or may not include a Mr. Chuck Smith of Woodbridge) should hold on to them for when we repeat this contest with other letters, providing we are still here and all that. Among the most common words offered was "soporifiction," variously defined as the works of Henry James, Dostoevski, Thoreau and Danielle Steel. A special telegraphy prize goes to the (we swear) eight-time Loser who sent "Yodelegate: To delegate to another the task of yodeling" AND "Sugarlic: Sugar stored next to a bag of garlic" AND "Swedental: A Swedish dental plan." 5. Shamigo: A fair-weather friend. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) 4. Senescenterfold: The highlight of the redesigned, retargeted AARP Magazine. (Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif.) 3. Tontology: If you're the LONE Ranger, kemo sabe, then who am I? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2. the winner of the plush toy scissors labeled "moyel": Soldermatology: For when you really want that facelift to last. (Patrick Mattimore, Gex, France) And the Winner of the Inker Treadmillstone: The unused home gym that keeps staring at you. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Bottomfoolery: Honorable Mentions Storment: To interrupt the "Lost" finale to broadcast weather warnings for some county 100 miles away. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) Stripper diem: Daily expense allowance for conventioneers. (Pam Sweeney) Satantrum: The toddler's meltdown from Hell. (Bob Kurlantzick, Potomac) Scarecrowd: A parade of fashion models. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Sebummer: A prom night zit. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Semensch: The ideal sperm donor. (Stacey Kenkermath, Alexandria) Sepsisters: Siblings whose relationship is beyond dysfunctional. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Shishkabul: The grilling of prisoners in Afghanistan. (Dave Prevar) Siblingo: The secret language spoken between twins. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) Simpledge: "Yes." (Dave Prevar) Slothario: A man who lures women to bed just to sleep. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Patrick Mattimore) Spamputate: To delete the entire junk mail basket. (Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv) Spinacheerios: A healthy cereal that didn't prove very popular with children. (Emery Walters, Reston, a First Offender) Spongeneration: The move-back-home Gen-Y. (Dave Prevar) Springsteenchilada: Even if you weren't born to run, you'll run. (N.G. Andrews, Portsmouth, Va.) Stigmatata: The disgrace of a teenage girl caught stuffing Kleenex in her bra. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Substandardize: Bring everything down to the lowest common denominator. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Sudafederales: Brave agents who protect our nation from smuggled foreign cold medicines. (Pam Sweeney) Successpool: Where you have to go to get filthy rich. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Syphilisterine: For when bad breath is the least of your problems. (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) Tattoops: "It's supposed to be ROSE, not ROSS!" (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Testosteronearsighted: Having an affliction that prevents men from seeing dirty dishes in the sink. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman) Theologymnasts: Those who perform amazing leaps and twists of logic to make Scripture seem to justify their political views. (David Komornik) Thesaurustic : A charmingly simple dictionary; coarse; lacking refinement; unsophisticated. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Threnodynamics: The art of putting on a lively funeral. (Lars Wiberg, Rockport, Mass., a First Offender) Timpanini: Italian drum rolls. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Warmadillo: Fresh Texan roadkill. (Kevin Dopart) Tornadolescence: An unpredictable, destructive force of nature that can leave houses in shambles; i.e., adolescence in general. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Torquemadam: The head dominatrix. (Chris Doyle) Wiretapestry: The drapes in the FBI building. (Rick Haynes) Twelfthirsty: The time when the women at the bar begin to look better. (Michael Mason, Fairfax) Ungodlyricist: A sinner-songwriter. (Marc Boysworth, Burke) Undressay: "Dear Penthouse Forum . . ." (Marc Boysworth) Upholsteroid: An overstuffed recliner that takes up half the family room. (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) Wonderbrahman: Director of costume design for Frederick's of Bollywood. (Chris Doyle) Urinalmost: What results from the "ready-fire-aim" approach. (Dan Ramish, Vienna) Velcro-Magnon: The cretin at the party who just won't leave you alone. (Pam Sweeney) Vermillionaire: A guy who drives a Bentley but whose accounts are deep in the red. (Russell Beland) Viagrarian: A farmer who can plow the land for four hours without stopping to rest. (Roy Ashley) Virtuoso-so: One who gives a surprisingly disappointing performance. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Vituperationalize: To justify one's harsh criticism of others, particularly in an election year. "We meant only to educate the voters about my opponent's lack of patriotism," the candidate vituperationalized. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) Vomitzvah: A fraternity initiation rite. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Whalecher: A man who peeks into the dressing rooms at Lane Bryant. (Emery Walters) Whomily: A lecture on the moral rightness of good grammar. (Chris Doyle) Worshippodrome: A megachurch. (John O'Byrne) Xenamby-pamby: The Warrior Princess's prissy sister. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Yiddishabille: Same black suit and black hat, but no shirt. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Zentertainer: A performer who receives applause only in the form of one hand clapping. (Brian Herget, Annandale, whose only previous ink was in 1996, when he won a T-shirt) Note: The "genuine, if nonworking, geiger counter" we offered as the runner-up prize last week turns out to be a genuine, and possibly working, ionization chamber, according to reader Stu Newman of Bowie. This device measures roentgens of radiation, 1,000 times the strength of the milliroentgens that a geiger counter counts. So "I'm certainly glad that the donor's husband failed to get any measurements with that device," Stu says. Next Week: A Knack for Anachronism, or History in the Mocking ====================================================================== WEEK 774, published July 19, 2008 Week 774: Tour De Forks Ikeaburger: A Swedish meatball, plus 214 other individually packaged ingredients that you assemble yourself. Caution: Failure to add ingredients in the specified order will render the dish useless. Last year right around this time, we asked readers to come up with a name for a new cocktail and describe it. Now it's time to sit down and eat. This week: Supply a name for a restaurant dish named after someone (or some product or organization) and describe it. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives -- concentrate: this is complicated -- a large red nylon kite, from which hangs a blue and white parachute, from which hangs a muscle-bound, bearded action figure who is wearing a zippered jacket but no bottoms except for a pair of black underpants with a white Iron Cross on the front and back. This dazzling item was rescued by the Empress from a newsroom wastebasket, where it was consigned by someone who clearly was not considering the needs of The Style Invitational. It won't fly without a crosspiece, but it hangs up swell. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 28. Put "Week 774" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 16. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Kevin Dopart and probably someone else we forgot about; write in and we'll credit you later. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Roy Ashley. This week's headline is by Brady Holt. The Empress just farms this stuff out. What a gig. Report From Week 770, In which we asked you to take a moment in history, or a famous scene in literature or drama, and transport it to another era: 4. Hercules' Fifth Labor: Cleaning out the Augean Inbox. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 3. 1795 to 1998: Martha: "She showed you her WHAT?" George: " 'Twas an undergarment, yet as much like a bridle, with no substance." Martha: "But pray tell, what was she doing under your desk?" George: "Well, I cannot tell a lie . . ." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 2. the winner of the Washington Nationals Abe Lincoln bobblehead: 1941 to 2008: Charles Foster Kane mumbles: "Grand Theft Auto IV." (Roy Ashley, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker 1864 to 2007: Maryland activist Barbara Fritchie raises the flag and shouts: "Shoot if you must this old gray head, But spare your country's flag," she said. And for such defiance brazen, The Frederick cops gave her a tasin'. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) More Shifty Characters: Honorable Mentions 1989 to 1599, at the local tavern: Sally to Harry: "O wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful wonderful!" Gentlewoman to serving wench: "Zounds! Methinks I shall partake of that selfsame victual which yon maiden hath of late consumed." (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 2008 to 1941: A Japanese sailor posts YouTube video of the air fleet leaving to attack Pearl Harbor, forcing Japan to cancel the attack and seek peace with the United States. But the U.S. doctrine of preemptive war leads to an American sneak attack on Japan. Worldwide condemnation eventually leads to U.S. disarmament, U.S. domination of electronic and automotive markets, and a sumo-wrestling Super Bowl LXII. (Scott Mack, Reston, a First Offender) Metro section, a long time ago: An unemployed couple, Adam Sonofdirt and Eve Daughterofrib, were evicted yesterday from their subsidized cottage in Eden Gardens. The two allege that their landlord used an agent provocateur to trick them into violating a minor clause in their rental contract involving fruit grown on the premises . . . (Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv) 1967 to 3500 B.C.: "I want to say one word to you, Benjamin. Just one word." "Yes, sir." "Are you listening?" "Yes, I am." "Bronze." (Russell Beland, Springfield; Kevin Dopart, Washington) If Apollo 13 were manned by World War II Royal Air Force pilots: James "Ginger" Lovell: I say, Houston, bit of a sticky one here! Control (pausing while lighting pipe): What's the prob, Ginger? Lovell: Bally oxygen tank's gone pop. Going to have to flip the old kite round the moon and ditch her in the briny. Control (dropping match): Blimey! Hang in there, chaps! [Turns to assistant.] Marjorie, dear, better put the kettle on. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) Peter Abelard (1079-1142) in Yoknapatawpha County, 1920s:"Hush, Luster said. Looking for them ain't going to do no good. They're gone." (Kevin Dopart) 2008 to 1860: Talk radio analyzes the Lincoln-Douglas presidential race: Abraham . . . Isn't that some sort of Jewish name? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If the baby carriage scene in "The Untouchables" were set in ancient Peru: The stroller wouldn't roll down the pyramid because the Incas didn't have wheeled vehicles. And so the baby and mother would live happily ever after -- until they were sacrificed as part of a fertility rite. (Robert Doherty, Daleville, Va.) 1963 to 1369: JFK in West Germany: And certes, if you can herre me above this din, Ech free man, wherever he may lieve, is cityzen of Berrlinn. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) 2008 to 1863: Fox News bulletin: In a landmark ruling today, the Supreme Court has struck down President Lincoln's radical labor law, the Emancipation Proclamation, 5 to 4. "The right to set wages and working conditions belong to employers," wrote Justice Antonin Scalia. Conservative activists were elated: "This ruling means jobs! Not jobs that pay money, exactly, but . . ." (Cy Gardner, Arlington) 1976 to 1776, the play "Hackney Coachman": Mr. Bickle buttons waistcoat while standing in front of a looking glass, musing: "Sir, to whom are you speaking?" [Brandishes dueling pistol, then tucks it into the sleeve of his blouse.] Is it I? Might you be speaking to me? To whom in the Devil's name would you be speaking, my good sir? [Pauses, turns around, turns back toward the looking glass with a saucy smirk.] "I appear to be the only gentleman here." (Francesca Kelly, Bethesda) Next Week: Groaner's Manuals, or How-To Doody ====================================================================== WEEK 775, published July 26, 2008 Week 775: Ad-dition Drama-kin: Your sister and brother-in-law who always manage to get into a fight at Thanksgiving dinner. Here's one of our perennial neologism contests -- the one we called Hyphen the Terrible in the pre-Web era. But with a slight twist this week, in honor of The Post's primary means of support: This week: Combine the beginning and end of any two words appearing in any single advertisement in The Post or on washingtonpost.com, from today through Aug. 4, and then define the new word. Each part should consist of at least two letters, and your entry can't be an existing English word. You can either hyphenate it or not. You may use the new word in a wildly humorous sentence, if you are so inspired. And because this has been just a miserable summer for newsroom staffs across the nation: For Losers residing in The Post's delivery area, at least one of your entries must be from the print paper. Please include the page number of the ad. For entries from the Web site, cite what ad you're using; even better, copy the pertinent text onto your e-mail. The example above is from a skin cream ad (combining "dramatic" and "skin") in tomorrow's Washington Post Magazine. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a handsome, large wall calendar depicting a year's worth of photographs of outhouses. That year is 2002. Loser Pie "Karen" Snelson of Silver Spring finally worked up the courage to part with it. It will be perfectly usable again in 2013. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 4. Put "Week 775" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Brendan Beary. Report From Week 771, in which we asked for names for employee handbooks, etc., for particular professions or workplaces. Many Losers extrapolated that into titles of how-to books, which the Empress agreeably decided to allow. Some people decided to send in slogans for companies, which the Empress agreeably tossed into the trash. 4. Shriners parade handbook: "Put On a Happy Fez" (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) 3. American Bar Association banquet planning guide: "101 Jokes About Other Professions" (Russ Taylor, Vienna) 2. the winner of the Zulu mcedo "modesty cap": A manual for mohels: "Eight Days, a Whack" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And the Winner of the Inker "The Paean Is Mightier Than the S-Word: The Congressional Guide to Speaking Near a Microphone" (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Manual Transgressions: Honorable Mentions "Our Bodies, Our Sales: The NOW Guide to Streetwalking" (Russell Beland, Springfield) "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Frying: Opening a Fat-Free Restaurant" (Jon Shaner, Grand Rapids, Mich.) A manual for prostitutes: "Tricks of the Trade of the Tricks" (Tom Witte) PETA guidebook: "Making Meats End" (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) "The Geek Shall Inherit: The Hacker's Guide to Social Security Databases" (Beverley Sharp) Dental hygienists' manual: "Spit and Polish" (Lee Dobbins, Arlington) Amalgamated Meat Cutters contract: "The Offal Truth" (Marc Boysworth, Burke) United Airlines preventive maintenance manual: "Divided We Fall" (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) A guide to crash testing: "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dummies" (Robert M. Doherty, Daleville, Va.) Gravediggers' manual: "From Bier to Eternity" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Weyerhaeuser manual for filing reports: "Clear-Cut Logging" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Bureau of Indian Affairs census: "Who's Sioux in America" (Chris Doyle) "Poisson Control: The Perfectly Cooked Fish" (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Teamsters recruiting manual: "Inducing Labor" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Investigative journalists' manual: "It Takes a Vigil" (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Tyson Foods organizational chart: "The Pecking Order" (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) "The OPEC Guide to Cartels: It's as Easy as 123 . . . 128 . . . 136 . . . 143 . . ." (Christopher Lamora) "A Book Created to Describe, Though Not, Unless Otherwise Limited by Law, Restricted to, the Operation and Function of a Certain Pair of Elected Bodies, Hereafter Known Collectively as the United States Congress" (Russell Beland) "First Come, First Severed: A Practical Guide to Amputation" (Chris Lusto, Oceanside, Calif., a First Offender) "Eeek! Surviving Your First Few Months at Disney World" (G. Smith, New York) Helicopter flying manual: "The Way We Whirr" (Tom Witte) Escort service: "For Whom the Belle Toils" (Rick Lempert, Arlington; Paul Kocak, Syracuse) The Chinese government's directive to police about protests by Buddhist monks: "Motorcycle Cops and the Art of Zen Maintenance" (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) National Enquirer reporters' handbook: "When You Dish Upon a Star" (George Vary, Bethesda)(Brendan Beary) Airline flight scheduling manual: "Bumping and Grounding" (Beverley Sharp) Rulebook for a male nudist colony: "The Compleat Dangler" (Tom Witte) For new interrogators: "The Torturer's Apprentice" (Rick Bell, Tikrit, Iraq) A guide to being the president of Afghanistan: "Duck!" (Tom Witte) Just My Size employee orientation manual: "Put Your Big-Girl Panties On" (Drew Bennett) Barnum & Bailey organizational chart: "Tiers of a Clown" (Marc Boysworth) Pepco security manual: "The Family Joules" (Stephen Dudzik) USDA guide for produce inspection: "How Do You Like Them Apples?" (Brendan Beary) The Chiropractor's CD Reference Manual: A 23-disk set. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) "Do Undo Others: The Bible of the Campaign Dirty-Tricks Squad" (Mae Scanlan, Washington) "Cross Examination: The Department of Justice Bible Study Guide" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) NAMBLA training manual: "The Scout-Boy Handbook" (Larry Yungk, Arlington) USDA inspector's handbook: "There's More to This Than Eyes the Meat" (Chris Doyle) Cryonics lab manual: "Icy Dead People" (Chris Doyle) Drag show chorus line rulebook: "Cher and Cher Alike" (Pam Sweeney, Germantown) NSA staff directory: "KSMEH ZBBLK SMEMP OGAJX" (Stephen Dudzik) Tax stimulus payment mailers' guide: "Government Buy the People" (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Psychics R Us staff handbook: "Okay, What Title Are We Thinking Of?" (Larry Yungk) Next Week: Make It Simple, Stupid or It's a Long, Long Way to Literary ====================================================================== WEEK 776, published August 2, 2008 Week 776: An Act of Sunny Side Had to take my Hummer off the road, but it makes a great backyard greenhouse. The neighbors got foreclosed on and moved out, but now I can wash the car naked in the daytime. Grandkids don't visit so often, but neither does my ex-wife. Things aren't going so well for a lot of us right now, you know? The Handbasket Express is standing room only. But who better than a bunch of confirmed Losers to make the best of a lousy situation? Or so predicts Loser Since Week 22 Elden Carnahan, who (optimistically) suggested this contest: This week: Note the silver lining in some otherwise disappointing turn of events, as in Elden's examples above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an original 1974 copy of "The Memoirs of Mason Reese," a book including not only dozens of pictures of the then-8-year-old commercial pitchman and human Cabbage Patch doll, but also Mason's alleged pronouncements on such issues of the day as pot smoking (he was against it). You know how some adults look nothing like their childhood photos? Well, here's Mason then and now. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 11. Put "Week 776" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 30. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Chris Doyle. Report From Week 772, in which we asked readers to alter a literary passage o that it could be understood "by Los Angeles residents under 40," as an L.A. Times reader wrote in a letter to the editor complaining that there were too many hard words in a certain movie review. Lots of first-time entrants this week, from all over the country and beyond. Not many from L.A., though. This was a space-eating contest, so more Honorable Mentions -- including a phrase-by-phrase translation of the opening paragraph of "A Tale of Two Cities" (along with the original) -- appear at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. 3. Ernest Hemingway: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn: " There's this woman who's expecting a baby and something bad happens, like a miscarriage or something, and she had already bought some shoes in anticipation of the birth, so she puts them in the classifieds to sell them and they're still good as new because the baby was never born." 2. the winner of the maybe-working radiation detector: William Shakespeare: "Et tu, Brute?" Elisa M. Nichols, Kensington: "Bitch set me up!" And the Winner of the Inker John Donne: "Never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.: "Ding dong. It's for you." Let There B-Lit: Honorable Mentions Francis Bacon: "If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties." Jay Shuck, Minneapolis: "You think you're sure? I mean really, you're SURE you're sure? Well, I am, like, SO SURE!" Pliny the Elder: "The lust of avarice has so totally seized upon mankind that their wealth seems rather to possess them than that they possess their wealth." Mae Scanlan, Washington: "When money rules, you guys are fools." Jane Austen: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." Karen Zachary, Arlington, a First Offender: "Everybody knows that a rich single dude wants to be married. Not." Shakespeare: Who is Silvia? what is she, That all our swains commend her? Holy, fair, and wise is she; The heaven such grace did lend her, That she might admirèd be. Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.: Who is Sylvia? What is she, That all the dudes now dig her? Holy cow, she's hot! I see The doctor's made her bigger, And she's about a double-D. Psalm 52: "Thy tongue devised mischief's; like a sharp razor, working deceitfully. Thou loves evil more than good; and lying rather than to speak righteousness. Selah. Thou loves all devouring words, O thou deceitful tongue." David Kleinbard, Jersey City: "Liar, liar, pants on fire!" T.S. Eliot via Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney: When I get old, I'm going to roll up my pants, eat a peach, and go to an art gallery. Edgar Allan Poe: "A feeling, for which I have no name, has taken possession of my soul -- a sensation which will admit of no analysis, to which lessons of by-gone times are inadequate and for which I fear futurity itself will offer me no key." Chuck Smith, Woodbridge: I am soooo wasted. Poe via LuAnn Bishop, West Haven, Conn.: So, it's really late, and I'm totally bummed out thinking about my dead girlfriend, when then this big black bird hops in my window and says: "Fahgedaboutit!" Geoffrey Chaucer: "Whan that aprille with his shoures soote The droghte of march hath perced to the roote . . . Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages." Beverley Sharp, Washington: "It's spring break . . . ROAD TRIP!!!" Walt Whitman via Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.: Whoa, dude! The president got shot! We need to get some metaphors going RIGHT NOW. Thomas Jefferson via: Russell Beland, Springfield: Us Americans, so that we can have a better country, one that's fair, where we're not yanking each other's chain, and to make sure nobody messes with our homeboys, and to keep things righteous, have worked up a few rules here . . . Beverly Ellis, Manassas, a First Offender: Sometimes stuff happens and a group of people have to stop being a part of the group they used to belong to and go do the stuff they want to do because it's their right to do what they want to do and to be respected just for living and they gotta tell everybody what's going down and why the shakeup is taking place. David Kleinbard, Jersey City: It's plain to see, you ain't better than me. God gave us a right to be free. You ain't the boss of me. Shake my branch, I'll kick you out of my tree. G. Smith, New York: You're not the king of uf! See more Honorable Mentions at www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. With the two First Offenders here and two more on the washingtonpost.com supplement, The Style Invitational has logged its 4,000th Loser since the contest began in March 1993. No, we haven't been keeping score. We have Losers for that. See the exhaustive statistics at their own Web site, www.gopherdrool.com. Next Week: Always Looking for Sects, or Eschatological Humor Week 772: More Honorable Mentions The Style Invitational's contest in which we asked readers to alter a literary passage so that it could be understood "by Los Angeles residents under 40," as an L.A. Times reader wrote in a letter to the editor complaining that there were too many big words in a movie review: William Shakespeare:"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears." Andrea Kelly, Brookeville:"Hey, YO! Up here." -- -- -- The Gospels according to Russell Beland, Springfield: OMG! We respect you, but can we please have our bread now? And we hope you agree trespassing is no big deal. Don't go offering us any of that nasty stuff, cause we might be tempted. But, you know, we think you're the best. -- -- -- Abraham Lincoln:"With malice toward none, with charity for all . . ." John Kupiec, Fairfax:"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family . . ." -- -- -- Shakespeare: Juliet: "What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title. Romeo, doff thy name and for thy name which is no part of thee take all myself." Romeo: "I take thee at thy word. Call me but love and I'll be new baptized." Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church: Juliet: "Names are, like, so dumb. Ditch your name and we can like, y'know." Romeo: "Yeah, okay, cool." -- -- -- Andrew Marvell:"Had we but world enough, and time This coyness, lady, were no crime." Mae Scanlan, Washington:"C'mon, let's get real here -- I've got to go to work tomorrow." -- -- -- Francis Scott Key via Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney:"w00t! its morning and our flag didnt get blown up last night!" -- -- -- Shakespeare:"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more." Clifford S. Fishman, Rockville: "Life sucks and then you die." -- -- -- Shakespeare: " There's a divinity shapes our ends, rough-hew them how we will." Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.:"I'm not very religious? But, like, I'm very spiritual?" -- -- -- Herman Melville:". . . all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, to crazy Ahab, were visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Moby Dick. He piled upon the whale's white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down." Stephen Dudzik, Olney: "One fish, screw fish, hate fish, rue fish. From prayer to glare, from tear to swear, evil whales are everywhere." -- -- -- Shakespeare via Jay Shuck, Minneapolis:"For the luvva God, why'd you have to be Romeo? Just leave your folks! Or, okay, I guess I could leave my folks." -- -- -- Shakespeare: " Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate." Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles:"You're hotter than Miss July!" -- -- -- Jane Austen:"May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are the result of previous study?" Russ Taylor, Vienna:"Are you playin' me?" -- -- -- Matthew 6:34:"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself." Maggie Lawrence, Culpeper, Va.:"La, la, la-la la-la live for today." -- -- -- Michel Foucault:"If one wants to look for a nondisciplinary form of power, or rather, to struggle against disciplines and disciplinary power, it is not towards the ancient right of sovereignty that one should turn, but towards the possibility of a new form of right, one which must indeed be antidisciplinarian, but at the same time liberated from the principle of sovereignty." Tristan Axelrod, Washington, a First Offender:"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Or maybe it's: You can't beat city hall. I don't really know." -- M. Foucault, Paris -- -- -- Charles Dickens:"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way -- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only." John Bunyan, Cincinnati, a First Offender:"Times were good, the L.A. Times sucked, some people were over 40, some were stupid, there were Republicans, there were Democrats, it was sunny in the afternoon, but there was early-morning low clouds and fog, we thought the Dodgers could win, we knew they'd be out of the playoffs, we shopped Rodeo Drive, we had nothing to wear, we were hitting the waves, we were working -- so basically, it was pretty much like now, and the critics kept writing reviews, good ones and bad ones, with big words no one really uses that really just meant 'great' or 'lousy.' " ====================================================================== WEEK 777, published August 9, 2008 Week 777: Limerixicon 5 You needn't be Shakespeare or Thackeray To succeed in PR (known as "flackery"), But to feel yourself whole After selling your soul, You'll be wanting that after-work daiquiri. Some will see it as the annual anapestilence, but no matter: As we do every August, we'll be helping out with the Yes, It's Still Coming Right Along project of Chris J. Strolin of Belleville, Ill.: the online Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, which aims to include a limerick illustrating every last word in the language (not to mention the first and middle ones). Chris J. is happy to report that Oedilf.com is quickly approaching its 50,000th "approved limerick" -- and it's just finishing up the C's. Let's forge on . This week: Supply a humorous limerick featuring any English word, name or term beginning with the letters da-, as in the fine example above by Gene Weingarten of Washington (Gene wins a Pulitzer). The Empress is notoriously picky about rhyme and meter for limericks, though her rules are less restrictive than some. A link to her guidelines appears on the home page of http://www.oedilf.com. Once we run the results Sept. 6, you may submit your entries (getting ink here or not) to the Oedilfers as well. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a necktie featuring a map of downtown Washington, donated by Loser Russell Beland. If you work in the Federal Triangle and you dribble your soup just right, you may be able to trace out your way to the office. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 18. Put "Week 777" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Lawrence McGuire. Report From Week 773, in which we sought ideas for new religions. As often turns out to be the case, the Losers expressed their fervent and unshakable belief in the Power of the Pun. 4. Oxymormons: A sect of polygamous monogamists. (Lisa Marier, Oak Hill, a First Offender) 3. Palindroman Catholicism: Its central tenet was that a nun named Hannah would get elected ePope on 10-02-2001, put the church on the WWW (LOL), level the playing field for the sexes and be deified. Now mum, the faithful are keeping their eye on 01-02-2010. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2. The winner of the photo book "Brides Behaving Badly": Cheneyism: Premarital sex is prohibited, but you may go [have sex with] yourself. (Kevin d'Eustachio, Lynchburg, Va.) And the Winner Of the Inker Church of the Guiding Light: Adherents believe that no one truly dies; those who expire will become renewed as their evil twins -- after a season or two. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) A Cult Above the Rest: Honorable Mentions Booboodhist: One who seeks spiritual guidance from his Yogi. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Bud'ism: Adherents strive to become the human ideal: a guy with a beer belly sitting under a tree. (Larry Flynn, Greenbelt, a First Offender) Bureaucratism: The belief that all inaction has an equal and opposite inaction. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Cherisma: A belief in mummification while still alive. (Jack Held, Fairfax) Church of St. Andrew: Followers of a little-known Scottish monk who manifested stigmata in nine places on each hand; its members celebrate these 18 bloody holes by playing golf every Sunday morning. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Church of the Wafering Stranger: It offers Communion to anyone. (Peter Metrinko) Confusionism: The belief that death is final. No, just a temporary interruption. Maybe an abstract plane. Or something transcendental. I think. (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) When they proselytize, the Good Copts promise you heavenly rewards. while the Bad Copts threaten you with hellfire and brimstone. (Chris Doyle) Depressbyterians: Those who think the End of Days actually did come in 2000. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Eunuchtarians: A sect whose hymnal is written for sopranos only. Its most prominent evangelist is the Rev. Jesse Jackson. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Geek Orthodox: A sect that worships technology, but only up to the 2003 upgrades. (Peter Metrinko) Hurling Dervishes: Believers in heavin' on earth. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Jews for Allah: A group even more conflicted than Jews for Jesus. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Kinduism: A religion practiced in West Virginia. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Lowest Common Denominationalism: The religion that lets you get away with the most stuff without going to Hell. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Monkeepiscopalians: They're true believers, without a trace of doubt in their minds. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) Netflixism: The belief that when you finish your life, you just send it back, rate it and wait for the next one to arrive. (Michelle Pangallo, Washington, a First Offender) Nitarians: They believe nothing is too trivial to argue about at any time or any place. (Brent Spence, Arlington, a First Offender) OCDeism: God will come to Earth to reveal His plan once He's sure the oven's turned off. (David Kofalt, Gaithersburg, a First Offender) Pagangsterism: A church that receives large donations because "youse wouldn't want no Acts of Gods on ya's kneecaps." (Kevin Dopart) Rhythm Methodists: The world's fastest-growing religious group. (Jon Graft, Centreville) Roman Candlecism: It holds that our existence will end with a Big Bang. (Marc Boysworth, Burke) Salivationists: They not only speak in tongues, they speak in drool. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) She'ites: A group dedicated to removing all sexist references from the Bible. Prayers conclude with "Aperson." (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) Shihtzuists and Caninites: Their creed is "God spelled backward is Dog." (Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.; Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Spoonitarians: Offer prims of haze to their gourd Lod. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Sunnitarians: Believers face Mecca five times a day and then form a committee to figure out why. (Anne Paris, Arlington) The Church of Latter-Day Stains: This group still believes the marks on the Shroud of Turin came from Christ, even though fabric was found to be much more recent. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Tramscendentalists: They believe God is one of us, just a stranger on the bus. (Chris Doyle) Next Week: Tour de Forks, or Saturday Morning Snackdown ====================================================================== WEEK 778, published August 16, 2008 Week 778: Tied Games Bowling & Jousting Okay, this year's Summer Olympics do include 302 events in 28 categories of sports. But naturally, that's nowhere enough for a true sports fan. For example, totally unrepresented at this year's Games is the fine sport of chess boxing, in which the opponents do not wrap chessboards in pretty cartons, but indeed alternate up to 11 rounds of, well, yes and yes. Which got X-Treme Loser Kevin Dopart -- who just happened to be on vacation in Athens -- thinking of a contest idea: This week: Combine any two sports or nonathletic activities -- we'll interpret this category broadly in cases of wild funniness -- into a single sport or game, as in Kevin's example above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets something that, for once, may have actual cash value: a pencil. A genuine Eberhard Faber Blackwing 602 pencil, courtesy of Joy H. Taylor of Cold Spring Harbor, N.Y., via Loser Russ Taylor of Vienna. This model of pencil, which pretty much looks like any other pencil to such ignoramae as the Empress (except for the rectangular eraser and ferrule holding it), was no longer made after 1998 and is a cult item among pencil collectors, such as those who belong to, but of course, the American Pencil Collectors Society. You can buy one unused Blackwing 602 right now on eBay for $39. This one is half-used, but entirely usable. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 18. Put "Week 778" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by John O'Byrne. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Elden Carnahan. Report From Week 774, in which we asked you to come up with a restaurant dish named for someone or some entity. This one from Christopher Lamora of Arlington didn't fit the contest, which specified a restaurant dish: "Barack Frozen Dinners: Purchase from supermarket because of its attractive package, without reading the fine print to find out what's really inside. Take home. Hope for the best." 4. Lick Jagger Ice Cream: It's only rocky road, but you'll like it. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) 3. Ted Williams Pancakes: Made from a frozen batter. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 2. the winner of the action figure hanging from a parachute hanging from a kite: Prius Chili: Hours later, you'll still have plenty of gas. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) And the Winner of the Inker Moebius Strip Steak: Grilled on just one side but still cooked to a turn. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Gourmaybes: Honorable Mentions The Freddie Mac: An oversize burger made with subprime beef. If you can't finish it, the government will eat it. (John Bunyan, Cincinnati) Kimchi Jong Il: A shred of cabbage nuked in a thousand-dollar microwave. (Larry Flynn, Greenbelt) Mobster Thermidor: Filet of horse head served on ice. Overnight room service available. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) The Streisandwich: Overpriced baloney, but crowds just eat it up. (Marcy Alvo, Annandale) The Schwarzenegger: Extra-large serving of groper with an array of California fruits and nuts. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) Sid Vichyssoise: Cold potato soup with tiny pieces of broken glass. Served with a sneer and a whack upside the head. (Jeff Brechlin) The Stimulus Appetizer: Some crusts of bread, served in a portion just big enough to make you realize how hungry you are. (Jack Fiorini, Williamsburg, Va.) Scarlett Johansson Dressing: The guys are always delighted to see this on the menu. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) The AARP Late-Night Snack: Served daily, 5 to 7 p.m. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Senator Byrd's West Virginia Pulled Pork: You won't find more pork -- or more pull -- anywhere! Guaranteed to leave your waistline in a mountainous state. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Tom Petit Fours: Pale, crusty snacks that sound much better than they look. (Russell Beland) Snyder Slumgullion: Assemble 45 ingredients rejected or discarded from other people's kitchens, and serve at astronomical prices. (William Bradford, Washington) Lobster ThermiGore: Somewhat inconvenient to prepare, this dish is cooked by raising the temperature of the entire Earth. Follow with Baked Alaska. (Robert Doherty, Daleville, Va.) Decider Burgers: Begin cooking burgers. After two minutes, declare that the burgers are done and a success, but continue cooking anyway, no matter what anyone else says. Then turn off the lights and leave the whole mess to the next chef. (Marc Boysworth, Burke) The Mickey Mantle Home Run Special: Pickled liver. (Russell Beland) Rep. William Jefferson Cold Slaw: Frozen lettuce; serves 5 to 10. (Kevin Dopart) Nino Scalia's Traditional Sausage: Strictly constructed according to a 221-year-old recipe (unless substitutions are convenient). Usually serves five. (Larry Yungk) Ryanair Burger: $2 if you can eat it Thursday morning at 6:45. If you want it Friday at 6:15 p.m. it's $10, unless you can save it and eat it Saturday night; then it's only $7. Bun is $1 extra. Ketchup and mustard are free, but extra pickles are $5. No, you can't have the whole can of soda. (Loren Bolstridge, Minneapolis) And Last: Le Soufflé à l'Empresse: Prepare with the utmost care, using only the freshest ingredients. Follow the directions precisely. Then throw it in the garbage, because that's what she'd do with it anyway. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Next Week: Ad-dition, or Commercial Breaks ====================================================================== WEEK 779, published August 23, 2008 Week 779: Gripe for the Picking Some of us must have truly charmed lives, notes Very Occasional Loser Irv Shapiro of Rockville (for whose children, coincidentally, the Empress babysat decades ago, when she was but a mere princess). At a time when few are untouched by economic woes, or health woes, or family strife, or deep angst over What the World Is Coming To, some very lucky people evidently have nothing worse to concern them than a neighbor giving a dog the same name as their relative, or about coughing at a concert. The latter crisis was addressed about in a 546-word tirade published in The Post this past summer, prompting reader Chris Krisinger of Burke to write in: "Of all the pressing local issues that need airing through additional public discourse such as the editorial pages, coughing at symphony concerts would not have made my top 100 or so." This week: Rant about an issue that wouldn't make your top 100 for airing in The Post. So that we can air it in The Post, of course. As always, longer entries must be worth their length. Anything over 75 words must be gosh-durn hi-larious. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a brand-new 2008 Liberace calendar -- including a photo of Wladziu in spangled hot pants -- direct from the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas, donated by Loser Maja Keech of New Carrollton, who picked it up at this year's Loserfest, an annual vacation organized by the Style Invitational Losers themselves. (Last year, you may remember, we featured an ear picker picked up at the Loserfest in Williamsburg.) Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 2. Put "Week 779" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 20. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Elden Carnahan. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Brendan Beary. Report From Week 775, in which we asked you to combine the beginning and end of two words within a single ad in The Post or washingtonpost.com and define the new word. This contest turned out to be a little harder than expected, because, as several Losers reported, the paper isn't exactly exploding with ad copy these days. 4. Spamily: The deposed former vice president of Nigeria, his niece the banking heiress, and her brother-in-law the diplomat trapped on foreign soil. (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) 3. Beau-ger: An unfortunate pick from the personal ads. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) 2. The winner of the 2002 outhouse calendar (usable again in 2013): Brasort: A semi-nudist colony. (Marc Boysworth, Burke) And the Winner of the Inker Exclu-less: Oblivious to how much the people in coach hate you and your roomy leather seat and your pretty little cookies on the pretty little tray instead of the three pretzel sticks. (Beth Morgan, San Francisco) Ad Absurdum: Honorable Mentions Ex-rid: Remarry. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Rabbiole: Knishes (Barrett Swink, Annandale, a First Offender) Sanson: A man with no heir. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Pandorks: People who ruin their cooking by adding unnecessary ingredients. "What pandork put cilantro in my spaghetti?" (Lee Dobbins, Arlington) Out-chitecture: Homes designed with no closets. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Hybri-hoe: A hermaphrodite prostitute. (Lisa Trossarello, Rex, Ga., a First Offender) Ameriment: The reaction of people in other countries when hearing President Bush pronounce their leaders' names. (Beth Morgan) Perflush: A pay-as-you-go plan. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Colonhopping: What a promiscuous proctologist does. (Beverley Sharp) Gutprints: The craters left by obese sunbathers at the beach. (Marc Boysworth) Pharma-fond: Using, but not addicted; as characterized by Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty and Rush Limbaugh. No, really. They said so. (Marc Boysworth) Natsender: An event that occurs annually sometime between mid-June and the All-Star break. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Fu-ville: A town that doesn't exactly put out the welcome mat for strangers. (George Vary, Bethesda) Gohoma: Fu-ville is this state's capital. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul) Outagement: The Pepco board of directors. (Barbara Turner) Finantiques: Old money. (Barbara Turner) Swimpy: How a half-hour in the pool leaves one's manhood. (Tom Witte) Buff-sect: A religious group that observes the Day of Tonement. (Larry Yungk) Cavetend: An early predecessor of Good Housekeeping (Larry Yungk) Whirlponies: Extreme Carousel (Pam Sweeney) Brotel: The Y. (Pam Sweeney) Comfort-cure: Becoming a parent. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Opera-slim: Pleasingly plump. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Telaborate: Give TMI via cellphone. "She telaborated on her bowel movements all the way to Shady Grove." (Kevin Dopart, vacationing in Athens) Federelves: Those jolly, dependable creatures who appear not on Dec. 24 but on April 15. And in a quaint twist, you give THEM presents. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Exertificate: Recognition of an exceptional work effort with a totally symbolic gesture, rather than the money you were expecting. (Russ Taylor) Fromagineering: The process by which a perfectly good idea begets an altogether cheesy product. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Downsizumbia: A forced-retirement community. (Brendan Beary) Cellulightening: Toning your thunder thighs. (Brendan Beary) Graspitality: A friendly welcome at the bordello door. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Peonology: The study of losers. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Invice: The bill you get from an escort service. (Tom Witte) Homost: Bi but leaning. (Brian Cohen, Potomac) Disco-tics: The heebie-BeeGees. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Ite-ite: Follower of the philosophy of, oh, whatever it is all those others are following. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Wetbucks: Laundered money. (Chris Doyle) Bris-trick: The new rabbi found that the skills from his part-time job at Benihana weren't well received in his new profession. (Pam Sweeney) Economorrow: When you'll finally cut back on expenses. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Next Week: An Act of Sunny Side, or There's Gold in Them Thar Ills ====================================================================== WEEK 780, published August 30, 2008 Week 780: Location, Location, Location You know you're in New York when someone breaks into your car just to steal the "No Radio in Car" sign. How do you know you've really arrived? Put OnStar Lady away for once and tell us. This week: Say how you know you're in a particular place, as in the example above by Loser 4 Ever Russell Beland, who suggested this contest. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of dog bandannas: a red one labeled "Republican" and a blue "Democrat." Either will be accepted at the polls Nov. 4 in lieu of your dog's voter registration card. You may also wear it yourself, as a political statement to exercise your constitutional right to look like an out-and-out dork. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 8. Put "Week 780" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Roy Ashley of Washington. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by John O'Byrne of Dublin. Report From Week 776, in which we asked you to look at the bright side of an unfortunate situation. Numerous Losers noted that they hadn't even a bit of bunion pain now that their legs had been cut off. But that sunny-side testimonial was trumped by the Dave Ferry of Key West, Fla., who swore that "my dad had his leg amputated because of his diabetes, but he moved to Orlando and got a job at Disney World as a pirate." 4. A giant asteroid is about to hit Earth, but at least no one has time to make a TV movie about it. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 3. "While you must leave the Garden, Eve, I will show mercy: I will make you, and all females that follow, look really hot if you wear four-inch heels and 'bodyshapers.' " (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) 2. the winner of "The Memoirs of Mason Reese": Eating chips made with Olestra might give me gas with oily discharge, but that does give me a great idea for the name of my rock band. -- D. Barry, Miami (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) And the Winner of the Inker I had to admit that I had an affair and lied about it, but at least I won't have to be vice president. -- John Edwards, Kwame Kilpatrick, Henry Cisneros, Gary Condit, Bill Clinton . . .(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Hey, They Could Have Been Worse: Honorable Mentions Now that I can't afford to drive my Hummer, women are more likely to assume that I'm adequately endowed. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax) With the weak dollar, pickpockets in Rome are leaving Americans alone and going after the German and Japanese tourists. (Larry Flynn, Greenbelt) Ever since that guy on the sex offender list moved in next door, I haven't once had to yell at the neighborhood kids to get off my lawn. (Marc Naimark, Paris) My long commute is brutal, but it gives me a lot of time to listen to language tapes. Now I can say "get off your bleepin' phone and drive, you idiot" in Mandarin, Basque and Urdu. (Keith Waites, Frederick) At least I have one finger left to show those loan sharks what I think of them. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) People might be prejudiced against me because of my name, but on planes I'm never seated next to crying babies or talkative salesmen, just reserved civil servants. -- Mustafa B. Laden, Lackawanna, N.Y. (Larry Flynn) You squandered the opportunity to rank among the greatest presidents ever, but you did help a young lady launch a successful handbag business. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) With this big-time halitosis I have, I've gotten over my fear that I'll accidentally choke on a supermodel's tongue. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Okay, you're a man trapped inside a woman's body, but at least you get to look at yourself naked anytime you want. (Russell Beland) Four bucks a gallon! At least now we finally have an idea what Dick Cheney's Energy Task Force's secret meetings were all about. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) I can finally shave off that itchy beard. -- R. Karadzic, The Hague (Larry Flynn) Since I was laid off, I have more time for having lun -- . . . uh, sampling . . . uh, shopping at Costco. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) My city and home are burned to the ground, my daughter's dead, and my latest husband doesn't give a damn about me, but tomorrow IS another day. -- S. O'Hara-Hamilton-Kennedy-Butler, Tara, Ga.) (Randy Lee, Burke) Oh, good, I found all the fat-boy clothes I thought I'd given away to Goodwill when I lost some weight a few years ago. (Patrick Mattimore, Gex, France) Since I gained all this weight, my husband doesn't want to take me to those boring office parties. (Kaye Washington, San Leandro, Calif., a First Offender) Yes, Mr. Bond, I must tell you that this room you're trapped in will explode in just 10 minutes and there is no possible means of escape. Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to leave you completely unsupervised. (Russell Beland) My rental car was dented by another vehicle, and I had declined the optional insurance, but thankfully the nice guy who hit me was in a big hurry and gave me $10,000 in crisp, new $100 bills. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) The nice thing about intestinal parasites is you never have to dine alone. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) The oil from the tanker covered hundreds of miles of shoreline, but it's trans fat free! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) My boyfriend is in prison and he's pretty dumb and mean, but at least he's always there when I call. (Judith Cottrill, New York) There may have been another track delay on the Orange Line, but at least I got to learn the entire medical history of the woman sitting next to me. (Jeffrey Susser, Silver Spring) I can visit a doctor's office anywhere in the world, just give my name, and they know what disease I have! -- L. Gehrig (Larry Flynn) With a shudder and a smile, she passed out from the most intense physical pleasure she ever had: She finally scratched the itch she'd had for the last seven months under her full-body cast. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) "The earthquake has devastated San Francisco, Mr. Mayor. But I think you can gain politically from this by blaming it on the Chinese immigrants." (Peter Metrinko) Virginia was ravaged during four years of bloody civil war, but at least we managed to ditch those western counties. (Russell Beland) Okay, so it's the Rapture and I'm still here. At least Easter services won't be crowded anymore. (Kevin Dopart) Some idiot smashed the side mirrors of my Prius, but reduced drag has raised my gas mileage! (Leila Leoncavallo, Fairfax, a First Offender) And Last: I'm a loser, but on Saturdays I get to capitalize it. -- R. Beland, Springfield (Tristan Axelrod, Washington) And Even Laster: I didn't get ink in the Invitational this week. But at least I don't have to explain a joke over and over to the same old idiots at work on Monday morning. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Next Week: Limerixicon 5, or The Doggerel Days of September ====================================================================== WEEK 781, published September 6, 2008 Week 781: Our Greatest Hit Idiotarod: An annual Alaskan race in which morons pull huskies sitting on sleds. (Chris Doyle, 2003) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. (Chuck Smith, 1998) The Empress held out as long as she could -- 82 weeks since she last succumbed. But requests -- and even entries -- are still coming in for the contest we first ran in 1998 and have repeated a few times since, most recently in Week 699 (indeed, last week the E received an entry for "Week 699"). Here's this year's version: This week: Start with a word or multi-word term that begins with I, J, K or L; either add one letter, subtract one letter, replace one letter or transpose two adjacent letters; and define the new word, as in the examples above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives -- courtesy of our secret correspondent in Oman -- two bars of soap: Virginity Soap ("feminine tighten") and Classic Placenta Soap (if the Virginity Soap didn't quite work, we suppose). Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 15. Put "Week 781" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte. This week's Honorable Mentions name was thought of independently by Chris Doyle and Brendan Beary. Report from Week 777, our annual limerick contest that furthers the quest at Oedilf.com to include a limerick about every word in the dictionary. This week, da- words. Once again, limericians contributed more than 700 five-line gems (and not-so-gems) from all over the English-speaking world (look at the place name if you see "calm" rhyming with "charm"). But as you'll see, it's da-rned near impossible to top the work of our own veteran Style Invitational Losers. Anyone who submitted a limerick for this contest is welcome to post it now at http://www.oedilf.com. And 17 more Honorable Mentions -- several of them in the not-for-grandma tradition of the genre -- are at http://www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. 5.The damselfish lurks in the sea, Self-centered as ever could be. Hunting food in the deeps; All it finds there it keeps: It seems pretty dam selfish to me.(Hugh Thirlway, The Hague, a First Offender) 4. I'm trying to stay cool and calm . . . I'm ready to taste her sweet charm . . . Oh such edible flesh And I like them this fresh! She's my date (and she comes from a palm). (Doug Harris, Stockton-on-Tees, England, a First Offender) 3. The dachshund, each hair and each wart of it, Serves for the wags to make sport of it. With a sharp, pointy snout, He is squat but stretched out. And that is the long and the short of it. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 2. the winner of the downtown Washington-map necktie: Michelangelo's David, we're told, Is a fabulous sight to behold. I'll admit to this crowd That he's poorly endowed; But come on, that museum is cold! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) And the Winner of the Inker Will our nation be damning its fate When McCain and Obama debate, And we choose 'tween a fib From a lib who is glib And a lie by a guy who talks straight? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Meter Halfway: Honorable Mentions A heavy girl often went dateless; She feared that in life she'd be mateless. A friend warned, "Your inner Tube has to get thinner. So when you're at dinner, inflate less." (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Had your fill of McCain and Obama, Yet still craving political drama? Though you're not the real thing, Why not wire Beijing: "Where's my visa, guys? (signed) Dalai Lama." (Chris J. Strolin, Belleville, Ill.) The bridegroom (from Brooklyn, I guess) Was under unusual stress. "Hey! Duh bridal gown's red! Man, I ain't gonna wed Any damsel," he said, "in dis dress!" (Sheila Blume, Sayville, N.Y.) An advantage to baldness, I note, Is my dandruff concerns are remote. Now my scalp has no flakes, And it shines! All it takes Is a clear polyurethane coat. (Brendan Beary) "He was nattily dressed, very dapper, Yet handsome and rugged -- a strapper. I stood by the wall As he entered a stall . . ." (From "The Memoirs of Senator Tapper") (Chris Doyle) I once loved a girl from Darjeeling; Her beauty and skill sent me reeling. But my afterglow fled When she sat up and said, "Can we do it once more -- but with feeling?" (Richard English, Patridge Green, West Sussex, England) D'Artagnan loved wine and good brandy; With musket and sword he was handy. But the other three gents Couldn't stand the guy, hence He got dropped when they licensed the candy. (Brendan Beary) Barack, the most dashing of gallants, Battled Hillary's blue-collar talents. He was seen as elite, So some feared that he'd meet With defeat -- 'twas a delegate balance. (Chris Doyle) When our Gucci-clad neighbors declare That they're nudists, and ask if we'd dare To join in, we say, "Ooh! We were gonna ask you, But you looked like a clothes-minded pair." (Chris Doyle) Like a lamb being led to the slaughter Or a clam in the hands of an otter, I haven't a chance When she gives me that glance: Yes, alas, I'm a dad with a daughter. (Mike Dailey, Chantilly) At the creepy old castle our host Gave our spirits a lift with his toast: "Pleasant dreams! Don't be daunted; Most rooms are not haunted. You've only a chance of a ghost." (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Mona Lisa, though hardly well read, Was a classmate of Leo's, they said. We know not her history; She's mostly a mystery We call the da Vinci Coed. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Ahmadinejad asks for a day Touring Frisco, our town by the bay. If we schedule it right, He'll be spending the night At the Castro Street YMCA. (Chris Doyle) I'm dazed by the beauty of Kabul, A jewel of a place, it's a baubul. It's considered uncool To call it Kabool. That can get you in all kinds of trabul. (Edward Peck, Chevy Chase, a First Offender) Daft means you're weak in the noggin, The runners are off your toboggan, Your Bic isn't clickin', Your tape doesn't stick, an' Your windshield's in need of defoggin'. (Mae Scanlan) The Day of Atonement is when Jews ask God for His pardon. Amen. When our sins have been purged (Despite all we've been urged), We can't wait to commit them again. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland, a First Offender) And Last: I'm a dilettante poet, a dabbler, Just a step above blithering babbler. For a magnet or mug Or a shirt that's too snug, I'm supposed to write what, "Hedda Gabler"? (Brendan Beary) Read more Honorable Mentions at http://washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. Next Week: Tied Games, or Sportmanteaus Week 777: More Honorable Mentions Tuesday, September 2, 2008; From the Style Invitational contest to write a limerick featuring a word or term beginning with da-: At Smucker's, my boss looks askance As I whirl and I twirl and I prance. Yet I fill every tin With preserves as I spin, 'Cause I'm canning as fast as I dance. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) There is nothing, we're told, like a dame; That was Rodgers and Hammerstein's claim. But through Internet browsing I've found this arousing Contraption that's almost the same! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The artist Duchamp flew to Rome, But his artwork got sent off to Nome. Said the airline: "Don't worry. Sit back, what's the hurry? Just wait till your dada gets home." (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Dahlia At the plant sale, I chatted up Hope: "When pronouncing this flower, I grope: Is it 'doll-ya' or 'dally-a'? Enlighten me, shall ya?" Said she, "That's a daisy, you dope." (Brendan Beary) Couldn't stomach the melamine beef, Was reluctant to torture a thief. So the question is: "Ain't he A little bit dainty For China's new protocol chief?" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A cheeky young geek named O'Malley Had a tendency sometimes to dally While fixing computers For clients from Hooters, Implanted in Silicone Valley. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) In the spring, as you wander quite merry, Stop to eat the small blue dangleberry. Please take heed: I said "dangle"; With "dingle" don't tangle Or I fear you'll be sorry, and very. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) For Dad, we're betwixt and between On that damnable casket routine: Leave it open or shut At the service? Just what We've decided remains to be seen. (Chris Doyle) My cereal! He'll try to grab it, That monomaniacal rabbit! We've told him (yet still he Keeps acting so silly) That Trix are for kiddies, dagnabit! (Cy Gardner, Arlington) She has dacryorrhea-- she's weepy. It's a side effect, nothing too creepy. Though it's far from routine, It is commonly seen In those married to one Beary, B.P. (Brendan P. Beary, Great Mills) She succumbed to his daily appeals -- Warmed his bed, washed his clothes, cooked his meals. But justice was done At the point of a gun, When she taught him that time wounds all heels. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) There was a TV show named "Dallas" Filled with money and mayhem and malice. And when old J.R. Ewing Was doing the screwing, His brain failed, but never his phallus. (Barbara Sarshik and Andy Pike, McLean) There are words that give folks indigestion, So allow me to make a suggestion: Just use "darn" in a jam Where you shouldn't use "damn" And where "#%&@" is flat out of the question. (Chris J. Strolin, Belleville, Ill.) This old Mustang won't go very far Here in Senegal -- that's where we are -- But we won't make a fuss; We can just hop a bus If you must take a ride in Dakar. (Sheila Blume, Sayville, N.Y.) Jewish David stood up, self-reliant, With his slingshot to topple the giant. Now Goliath's Israeli, And against him stands daily Palestinian David, defiant. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) When Ruth sets her mind on a dalliance, She jumps in with no shilly-shalliance. She's had assignations With Frenchmen, Croatians, An Aussie and several Italliance. (Brendan Beary) And Last: How the Empress left all Losers reeling When she outsourced SI to Darjeeling! "I'm not sari," quipped she; "Change suits me to a tea. "And that India ink's most appealing." (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) ====================================================================== WEEK 782, published September 13, 2008 Week 782: That's the Ticket! What voters want above all else is consistency, and no one else on the ballot can match tapioca pudding in that regard . . . Sure, a lot of historians say he was bad, but if you look at Buchanan's performance over the last 140 years, he's been quite steady . . . This week, a twist on a perennial Invitational contest, the ol' List of Random Items: Play Partisan Pundit and explain why any of the items on the list below is qualified to be the president of the United States, as in the examples above by Loser Brendan Beary, who suggested this contest. Alternatively, pair any two of the items and explain why they would form an effective ticket for the general election. Or both. No limit on the number of entries as long as they are brilliantly clever. · A moss-covered rock · Krusty the Clown · A dish of tapioca pudding · Ex-president James Buchanan · Bert from "Sesame Street" · The Orange Line train from New Carrollton · Vinko Bogataj, the "agony of defeat" ski jumper from "Wide World of Sports" · Benedict Arnold · Emily Litella · Sweeney Todd · The Firefox browser · Chuck Smith of Woodbridge · Britney Spears's hairstylist · Cartman · A 49-cent goldfish from Wal-Mart · Zerbina the Pinhead Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of Obama and McCain gargoyle "designer resin" figurines. We would have thought the McCain one was Gerald Ford were it not for the label, while Obama is kind of a cute, puppyish dragon, if you don't mind enormous horse teeth. In any case, we agree wholeheartedly with the manufacturer, Toscano Design, that they are both "extraordinary sculpts." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 22. Put "Week 782" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 11. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Mike Ostapiej. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russell Beland. Report from Week 778, in which we asked you, during the Olympics, to combine any two sports or other activities to come up with a new one. By "other activities," we were thinking along the line of chess, as in the actual new sport of chess boxing. But leave it to the Losers to interpret that a bit more broadly, the way that Vladimir Putin interprets "democracy" a bit more broadly. 4. Running and the limbo: Rush Limbo. The same course as the 110-meter hurdles, with one difference. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) 3. Beach cricket: Americans won't understand the rules to this kind of cricket either, but it doesn't matter because it is played by hot women in bikinis. (Anne Paris, Arlington) 2. the winner of the collector's-item Eberhard Faber Blackwing 602 pencil: Hockey and boxing: Hockey. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) And the Winner of the Inker Sumo ski jumping: Performance is measured on the Richter scale. (Hugh Pullen, Vienna) Robbed by the Bulgarian Judge: Honorable Mentions Gymnastics and drinking shots: Balance Jim Beam. Athletes must each consume five shots of bourbon a half-hour before performing their routines, which are judged by a panel of state troopers. (Pam Sweeney) Pommel bronco: Fellas, do those routines on a live bucking horse and we'll stop making fun of your stretch pants and footies. (Pam Sweeney) Rowing and craps: Scull and bones. (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii) Ice dancing and minefield clearing: Finally, a reason for ice dancing. (Ned Bent) Fast-pitch javelin throw: Each team is allowed 30 catchers. (Bill Moulden, Frederick) Baseball and TV weather forecasting: A .333 average puts you on the all-star team. (Larry Flynn, Greenbelt) Synchronized singing, pairs competition: Requires one kid with talent and one with looks. A demonstration sport since a couple of weeks ago. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.; Mike Dailey, Centreville) Dodge ball shot put: An eight-pound ball; no substitutions. Games tend not to run into overtime. (Mike Dailey) Rodeyoga: You must maintain a tranquil lotus position for eight seconds on a 2,000-pound bucking steer. Nobody has ever done it, but nobody gets uptight about it. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda) Water polo polo: Seahorses are theoretically the best mounts, but scoreless ties still abound as mallet swings lack zip and the horses appear discomfited by the little ties on the caps. (Bill Cowart, Washington; Matthew Stanfield, London, a First Offender) Football football: Foreign players play "football" against Americans playing football: Use a good ol' NFL football; see how well they dribble that with their feet. They have to play by regular soccer rules (no hands, etc.) while the Americans get to tackle them. They wear T-shirts and shorts, while Americans wear helmets and shoulder pads. If they score a goal, one point. If we run or pass it over the end line, six points. WE'RE NO. 1! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! (Roy Ashley, Washington) Caber toss and bulimia: Swallowing the caber is only the half of it. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Drag racing and hurdles: The trick is getting over the jumps while wearing those high heels. (Russell Beland) Equestrian beach volleyball: Undressage. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Baseball and quilting: Participants sit in the stands at a ballgame and sew a quilt only during foul balls, throws to first base, meetings between the catcher and pitcher, backing out of the batter's box, intentional walks, and throws around the horn. Fastest finisher ends up with something to keep him warm when he falls asleep. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Combine the 4-by-100 relay with Keep Away. Well, that's how we played it this year. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Weightlifting and watching weightlifting: Clean-and-Jerks and Jerks. As each weightlifter strains with the barbell, beer-drinking audience participants make a variety of comical fart noises. There is no official scoring or order of finish, but man, I just never get tired of playing that game! (Brendan Beary) Next Week: Gripe for the Picking, or Irritable Howl Syndrome ====================================================================== WEEK 783, published September 20, 2008 Week 783: The Shill Game Lazarus for Bulova Snooze Alarm Clocks: "Sometimes, you just want to sleep a little longer." Sen. Ted Stevens for renovations by Home Depot: "You can do it, we can help (wink, wink)." Here's a contest we haven't done since the Invitational was still in diapers: Name a celebrity or fictional character to endorse a real product or company. Back in Week 52, in 1994, the entries were mostly puns, such as the Jackson Family for Chock Full o' Nuts (by Nick Dierman), Jack Kevorkian for Curtains Unlimited (Elden Carnahan) and the classic John Wayne Bobbitt for Microsoft, by the already famous Chuck Smith of Woodbridge. You can find the whole set of Week 52 results at www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. It's optional to include a description or slogan, as in the examples above from Kevin Dopart, who suggested this contest in blissful ignorance of its earlier existence. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two fine books: "Yiddish With Dick and Jane," donated by Brendan Beary, and "Yiddish With George and Laura," which we had lying around (" 'Oh yeah, Jeb and Marvin?' George says. 'You can kush mir in tuchas.' "). Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 29. Put "Week 783" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russell Beland. Report From Week 779, in which we asked basically for idiotic rants. While reading the many hundreds of entries submitted, however, the Empress couldn't help notice that some of the ranters seemed awfully sincere about certain peeves they sent, such as the gripe by Steve Fahey of Kensington about most publications' policy of placing a comma inside, rather than outside, a closing quotation mark. Yes, of course, Steve is a 158-time Loser. 4. It is outrageous that Grover Cleveland, our 22nd and 24th president, gets two different dollar coins in his honor. This does nothing but reward failure, because if he'd won in 1888 and had three consecutive terms, he'd have only one coin. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) 3. How can Americans willingly abide with farcical rules of succession that place the secretary of energy seven rungs below secretary of the interior? Ask any citizen: If tragedy were to strike, whom would we rather see in the Oval Office: Sam Bodman or Dirk Kempthorne? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 2. The winner of the Liberace calendar: I am disgusted at the excessive and obscene "nipple shots" that for several weeks have plastered the front page of what should be a respectable family paper. Just because some fellow won a gold medal in swimming . . . (Zak Kemenosh, Washington, a First Offender) And the Winner of the Inker: What really burns me up is women who breast-feed their babies in public when I'm out with my family. I can't very well say, "Yeah, baby" or "How about a little lunch for me?" with my wife and kids standing there! (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) How Could These Be Worth Only a Magnet!: Honorable Mentions Our judicial system is such a mess! I reported for jury duty and they sent me home for no good reason: "Just 'cause" is what they said! And that was after I told them I already knew for a fact that the defendant was guilty, guilty, guilty! (Beverley Sharp, Washington) I hate when people repeatedly say "you know." Like my former boss ¿ he'd say, "You know you can't download porn in the office." "You know you can't embezzle funds from the pension account." "You know you're going to jail." It drove me crazy! (John Bunyan, Cincinnati) What's with octagonal stop signs? They could be hexagonal, still have a distinctive shape, and it would save two sides! (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) The name "Washington Redskins" is offensive to me. I live near FedEx Field and think they rightly should call themselves the Prince George's Redskins. When I sing "Hail to the Redskins," I always exhort them to "fight for old P.G.!" (Cy Gardner, Arlington) I was very disappointed by the recent Edward Hopper show at the National Gallery. For example, I had no idea what was happening in "Office at Night." It would have helped a lot if Hopper had painted word balloons, like in cartoons. Woman: "I'm pregnant." Man: "Huh?" That would have added a little nuance. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The stores at the mall have obviously sold out to the "War on Independence" agenda: They all have signs about "the Fourth of July," instead of "Independence Day"! Remember, Independence is the Reason for the Season. (Jon Graft, Centreville) I hate it when people confuse the letter O with the number 0. If you give out your area code as "two-oh-two," well, don't be surprised if someone dials 262, because on the telephone pad, 6 is the key for the letter O. (William E. Bradford, Washington) It's positively indecent that men will walk down the street with that thing of theirs flapping in the breeze right in front of them! Gentlemen, I beg you to stick it back where it belongs -- through the loop on back of the tie. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) I'm appalled that Maryland designates as its state flower the black-eyed Susan, thus tacitly condoning domestic violence...... (Brendan Beary) People are such idiots. First they make the Walk and the Don't Walk lights both gray! Then, no matter how good you are at running, they can forget, like, five times in a row to let go of the ball they're trying to throw. Idiots, I tell you. -- Rex (Russell Beland, Springfield) Why does Hershey's continue to print "Open Here" on its wrappers? Please, Hershey's, tell me exactly what I'm risking if I open the candy from the other end. It's freakin' chocolate, not a bomb with a timer detonator. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Why are elections always on Tuesdays? I haven't been able to vote in 20 years because Tuesday is my bowling night. (Jon Graft) No matter how many times I tell my local grocers that a tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable, they keep putting them between the potatoes and the onions. What's next, putting the asparagus beside the blueberries? (Marjorie Streeter, Reston) "Objects in Mirror ..." -- How can an object be in a mirror? Is it inside the plastic housing that sticks out of the car door? Why is our government mandating this absurd perversion of our language? (Russ Taylor, Vienna) I have been sending out thank-you cards for years upon receiving gifts or favors, and NOT ONCE has someone been kind enough to thank me for sending what I think are very nice thank-you cards. A simple card would be nice. What are we, animals? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Why is the little figure in all crosswalk lights so obviously male? Doesn't the government realize that women outnumber men, and as a result more actually cross the street? (Jeff Brechlin) As The Post's Metro editor I've spent all these months soliciting Washingtonians' rants for a recurring feature on Page B3, and then some anonymous worker in the Style section goes and rips off the the contest without even a credit. -- Robert McCartney (N.G. Andrews, Portsmouth, Va.) What has happened to The Style Invitational? Some say it's a difference in tone, a shift from funny to clever. I feel that a good bodily function joke will always be appreciated by men and a few undiscriminating women. When people ask, "Didn't you use to be big in The Style Invitational?" I always answer that it's The Style Invitational that got small. And then I poke them in the eyes with two fingers. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Location, Location, Location or A Plague of Locus ====================================================================== WEEK 784, published September 27, 2008 Week 784: Words to The Wiseacres Running red lights, scofflaw delights. Enforcement pix, his butt's in a fix. Quickly to bed, quickly to rise: That's how Viagra works for old guys. Secretions have no secrets. Self-help guides have been around a long time. "The Wisdom of Amenhotep" was a hot seller in Egyptian scrollstores around 1500 B.C., and the Old Testament's Book of Proverbs dates from sometime in the thousand years after that. (The Empress's favorite, 26:11: "As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly." What, you thought dogs weren't as gross back then as they are now?) Ben Franklin presented wonderfully pithy versions of much of the same advice in his Poor Richard's Almanacs (e.g., "Make haste slowly"). And Loserphenom Kevin Dopart suggests we carry on the tradition. This week: Give us some proverbs for 21st-century life, as in Kevin's examples above. We're not looking for cynical takes on syrupy platitudes; we already did that contest at least once. And if some procrastinating pastors find something to rip off for their next day's sermons, we ask only that they give us credit. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a set of frog and dolphin pens that are, we admit, far too nice for an Invitational prize: Push a button and they make frog and dolphin noises (respectively) AND flash red lights. We are sure that they will be especially welcome in Catholic school classrooms. Donated ages ago by Dave Prevar of Annapolis. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, classic or current version. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 6. Put "Week 784" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 25. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Mike Ostapiej of Tracy, Calif. Report from Week 780, in which we asked for jokes about places, of the classic "You know you're in . . ." type. Needless to say, some entrants took an expansive view of what constitutes a "place." We didn't mind. 4. You know you've arrived in Los Angeles when everybody is better looking than you are, even the person playing "2nd Ugly Guy" in the movie they're shooting across the street. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 3. You know you're in Rome when everybody seems to be doing the same thing. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) 2. the winner of the "Democrat" and "Republican" dog bandannas: You know you're in New Jersey when you've been there for two days and haven't heard a joke about New Jersey. (Brian Cohen, Potomac ) And the Winner of the Inker You know you're in Missouri when you see a sign that reads, "Welcome to Missouri." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Atlas Shrugged: Honorable Mentions You know you're in Gaithersburg when a sign in a restaurant window says "We Speak English." (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg) You know you're on I-95 when going from Connecticut to New Hampshire covers 140 miles and takes 2 1/2 hours. You know you're on I-495 when going from Connecticut to New Hampshire covers five miles. And takes 2 1/2 hours. (Brendan Beary) If you walk into a restaurant decorated with boomerangs and order a pint of Foster's and some prawns on the barbie, you're definitely in one of those fake Australian pubs in the States, mate. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) You know you're in Key West when everyone in the bar knows the words to "Coconut Telegraph" except for Jimmy Buffett, who happens to be singing it. (Ed Gordon, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.) If there are 19,000 people here, and all but three of them are white, and the remaining three are always on TV, it must be the Republican National Convention. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) You know you're in Zimbabwe when the toilet paper holders dispense local currency. (John Flynn, Olney) You know you're in Wasilla when the diner's most popular dish is Wholesome Small- Town Arms-Bearing God-Fearing Heterosexual Mooseburger. And that's on the kids' menu. (Anne Paris, Arlington) You know you're in New York when a violinist playing the Bach Passacaglia in the subway is ignored -- because of faulty intonation in the second movement. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) You know you're in the William J. Clinton Presidential Library because all the books are in brown paper wrappers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) You know you're in Dick Cheney's inner circle as the first pellets hit your face. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) When your neighbors think Sarah Palin was once the mayor of a metropolis, you know you're in Ponder, Tex. (population 500). (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) You know you're in China when announcing your affiliation with Democracy Now is grounds for arrest. Oh, wait, that was St. Paul. -- Amy Goodman, New York (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) You know you're in Casablanca when a woman says, "Play it again, Sam," and everyone in the bar tells her she's saying it wrong. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) You know for sure where you are if you drive by a series of signs: Suu Kyi/Can kiss our butts/Democracy?/You think we're nuts?/Myanmar Shave. (Russ Taylor) You know you're in Paris when the women wear stiletto heels not to look sexy but to minimize their chances of stepping in dog poop. (Marc Naimark, Paris) You know you're in Berkeley, Calif., when the city council considers banning the Salvation Army for excessive militarism. (Chris Doyle) You know you are in the free autonomous People's Democratic Republic of South Ossetia when we tell you so! And you will like it there, da? -- V. Putin, Gori (Brendan Beary) When everyone around you has a Long Island accent, you're at the University of Maryland. (Andy Wardlaw, Burbank, Calif.) You know you're at Area 51 when you max out your frequent-abduction miles. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) You know you're in Alaska when you think abstinence means "abstain from wearing a condom." (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) You know you have arrived in Bangalore when your fingernails grow by half an inch during the cab ride home. (Ankit Srivastava, La Jolla, Calif., a First Offender) You can tell you're in the D.C. area if the kids complain that there isn't enough snow to make a snowball and they're bored, what with school being canceled all week and all. (Russell Beland, Springfield) You know you're in France when your leg of lamb arrives unshaven. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) You know you're in California when the horns on antique cars go "arugula." (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) You know you're in northern Montgomery County when the McMansions are no longer touching each other. (Scott Slaughter, Mount Airy, Md.) You know you're in France when they don't have French fries, the French toast comes out just like good ol' American toast, and I can't get anybody to give me a French kiss! What's wrong with these people? (Jon Graft, Centreville) If you found an extraordinarily powerful political husband-and-wife team who exercised complete control over their party, and the husband is a former president and the wife a failed presidential contender, all despite being dogged by a background of scandals and legal issues, well, you just might have been in the Philippines. (Russ Taylor) You know you're in Las Vegas when your prime rib dinner cost just 99 cents, yet somehow your weekend cost you $11,000, your car and your wristwatch. (Tom Witte) Next Week: Our Greatest Hit, or The New-Word Order ====================================================================== WEEK 785, published October 4, 2008 Week 785: The Ballad Box The results of this week's contest will run, as usual, four weeks from now. And that happens to be the weekend before Election Day. So here's our chance to do a contest that several readers have requested: This week: Write a short, humorous song somehow relating to the presidential campaign, set to a familiar tune. The longer the parody, the better it ought to be; one-verse songs tend to get the most ink, though we've had some fabulous longer ones as well. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a music-themed package of a genuine German LP record of polka music with very comical musicians pictured on the jacket (donated by Elden Carnahan) and a set of colorful pencils and pens bent into the shapes of pianos, treble clefs, etc. (from Dave Prevar). We knew graphite was soft, but we didn't know you could tie it in knots. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 13. Put "Week 785" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia. Report From Week 781, our continually requested contest in which you change an existing word by one letter, or transpose two adjacent letters, and define the result. This time the Empress required entrants to start with words beginning with I, J, K or L, but allowed proper names and multi-word terms. As usual, she was buried up to her diadem in thousands of entries, including far more good ones than we have the space to print, and -- trust us on this -- far more than you could possibly enjoy reading in one sitting. 5. Impasta: Franco-American spaghetti. (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii) 4. Krisp Kringle: The sad result of a Christmas Eve chimney fire. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 3. Skilljoy: The would-be friend who's a bit better than you at everything. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) 2. the winner of the Virginity Soap and Placenta Soap from Oman: IOUprofen : The Fed's current drug of choice. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) And the Winner of the Inker Nee Jerk: A bride who instantly agreed to take her husband's name. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Just Relex: Honorable Mentions Joint Chiefs of Stuff: They're the big guys at the Pentagon, I believe? -- S.P., Wasilla (Chris Doyle) Ididarod: Madonna, bragging? (Mike Inman, Lewes, Del., a First Offender) Igloot: Cold, hard cash. (Marc Channick, San Diego) Iglop: What's left of an Eskimo's home after global warming. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf; Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Pigloo: A British men's room. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Ignoramusk: Axe Body Wash. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Ikebanal: A flower arrangement in a smiley-face motif. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Imbib: To overdose on baby formula. (Christopher Lamora) Immensa: Massively intelligent. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Immolatte: The highest steam setting on a cappuccino machine. (Frank Yuen, Forest Hills, N.Y., a First Offender) Immuteable: Billy Mays, Rosie O'Donnell and the Aflac duck. (Barry Koch) Impants: Male augmentation surgery. (David Komornik, Danville, Va.) Impromptux: The bowtie's a black sock, the cummerbund's one of Mom's scarves, and your date is going to kill you. (Jennifer Rubio, Oakton) Limpostor: Someone who borrows a car with a handicapped license plate. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Incommunicad: Most any guy, during the game. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Inconvenient troth: Dang! Abstinence fails ONE TIME and I've got to marry her. -- Levi J., Wasilla, Alaska (Jon Graft, Centreville) In locko parentis: Grounded. (Erik Agard, Gaithersburg) Innuendow: The implication that the size of one's hands and feet correspond to other appendages. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Insulatte: The little cardboard sleeve around the coffee cup. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Internal Revenude Service: Stripping Americans of their assets since 1862. (Jon Graft) Istanbull: Genocide? What genocide? (Tristan Axelrod, Brescia, Italy) Jabberhocky: An answer from Sarah Palin. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Jackash: Someone who flicks cigarette butts out the window. (Mike Inman) Jack-of-all-tirades: The guy who sends a different rant every week to the Free for All page. (Chris Doyle) Jailhouse layer: A person you don't want as your cellmate. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Jalapeon: A receptionist whose only skill is that she is totally hot. (Russ Taylor) Jehovah's Wetness: Baptism. (Chris Doyle) John Bitch Society: A group formed just to whine and complain about communism. (Russell Beland) Jolly Roget: Pirate flag, banner, ensign, jack, oriflamme, pennant, streamer . . . (Aron Pollack, Atlanta, a First Offender) Jury dullification: What got O.J Simpson off. (Chris Doyle) Latrina: The smelly mess left behind by a hurricane. (Beverley Sharp) Kerry Blue Perrier: Let's just put it out there as the name of his dog. -- K. Rove, Washington (Chris Doyle) Kindergarter: First there were thongs for 7-year-olds, and now this? (Anne Paris, Arlington) Kitschen: Gingham curtains, with matching dish towels, tablecloth and tea cozy. (George Vary, Bethesda) Knewledge: All that stuff you've forgotten. (Jack Held, Fairfax) Krapton: Ignoble gas. (Lars-Erik Wiberg , Rockport, Mass.) Laddie, sin waiting (ladies-in-waiting): Sign over a Scottish brothel. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) Flaborious: Describing a task made more difficult because of those extra pounds you're carrying; e.g., sitting down in an airplane. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) Laissez-Favre: An NFL ruling that allows a quarterback to play wherever he pleases, even after retirement. (William Bradford, Washington) Laissez-fairy: A magical creature who makes taxes disappear with her invisible hand. (Aron Pollack) Glance corporal: But don't tell. (Kevin Dopart) Larger-than-wife: How a husband prudently describes other women. (Chris Doyle) Alas Vegas: What happened there didn't stay there. (Chris Doyle) Slaxative: An ill-advised method for making your pants fit better. (Pete Kaplan, Charlotte, N.C., a First Offender) Layabot: A Roomba that stops vacuuming to watch soap operas. (Tom Witte) Blazy Susan: Joan of Arc's little-known sister. (Peter Metrinko) Lepidopera: "Madama Butterfly." (Frank Yuen) Loingerie : Tarzan's underwear. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Blipstick: A momentary distraction from serious political discussion. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Slobotomize: To turn an Oscar Madison into a Felix Unger. (John Shea) Glockbox: Sarah Palin's got your Social Security trust fund right here! (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Oquacious: Especially vocal at the height of passion. (Tom Witte) Dumbago: Back pain from driving your RV for five hours with a whiskey bottle in your back pocket. (Kevin Dopart) And Last: Jestam: Entries tossed by the Empress. (Tom Witte ) Next Week: That's the Ticket, or Ruining Mates ====================================================================== WEEK 786, published October 11, 2008 Week 786: Top of the Staake Though he's been slumming lately with yet another New Yorker cover (no, it's not the Obama as Osama one), Almost Forever Style Invitational Cartoonist Bob Staake wants to remind us he can still produce sophisticated, thought-provoking work. So get your thoughts provoked for No. Umpteen of our cartoon caption contest. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Mental Block, a circular block-thing that pulls apart into various configurations, revealing various platitudes about the value of teamwork. If you had several people pulling together, for example, they could yank this baby apart in two seconds. Donated by Loser Nonpareil Russell Beland. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 20. Put "Week 786" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte and Chris Doyle. The Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte. Report From Week 782, in which we gave a list of people and other things and asked you to explain why any of them would be qualified to be president of the United States, or why any two of them would make a good ticket. As you'll see, a lot of the explanations are frankly an absurd stretch. Well . . . Frequently noted: The rock doesn't change its position every time the wind changes, and that Sweeney Todd and Britney Spears's hairstylist would both be good at making drastic cuts. 4. Vinko Bogataj, the "agony of defeat" ski jumper from "Wide World of Sports": People won't mind watching him screw up the same way, over and over again. (Mary Ellen Webb, Fairfax, a First Offender) 3. Benedict Arnold: Hey, he's really only flip-flopped on one issue. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) 2. the winner o f the McCain and Obama gargoyle statuettes: The Firefox browser: If the stock market ever crashed, we could simply restore the previous session. (Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif.) And the Winner of the Inker Benedict Arnold: Now here's a candidate who has really fought for change in American government! (Rick Wood, Falls Church) Dork Horses: Honorable Mentions A moss-covered rock: Though he presents a tough exterior, time has smoothed his rough edges. And he's a firm supporter of the environment (or firmly supported by the environment). (Alli Peterson, Newark, Del., a First Offender; and thanks to all the students at the Charter School of Wilmington who've been entering the Invitational week after week) At least we'll know which direction we're headed. (Mary Ellen Webb, Fairfax; Meredith Brown, Wilmington, Del. -- a First Offender) Moss Rock is solid in times of crisis, he's clearly the true environmental candidate, and his campaign anthem is one of the best songs ever written. -- B. Seger (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) A dish of tapioca pudding: With the coming depression, who better to serve on America's bread lines? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Ex-president James Buchanan: You're not going to find any skeletons in Buchanan's closet. Aside from Buchanan, that is. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Not only does he not get involved in other countries' imminent civil wars, he doesn't get involved in our own. (Bryan Crain) He won't be having any sordid affairs with nubile young women! (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Krusty the Clown: Who better to follow eight years of Bozo? (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) Bert from "Sesame Street": Orientation aside, his monogamy is impressive -- 39 years with the same partner. (Tristan Axelrod, Brescia, Italy) It's time, after all these years, to have a man of letters in the White House. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Although he is from outside the Beltway, he somewhat resembles the Washington Monument. (Dan Colilla, Washington, Pa.) The Orange Line train from New Carrollton: It'll repeat the same messages to the same audience every day and they'll still come back for more! (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Vinko Bogataj, the "agony of defeat" ski jumper from "Wide World of Sports": He's arguably the world's greatest roll model. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) He's a down-to-earth kind of guy. (Ed Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Benedict Arnold: He's shown great flexibility in adjusting his views to reflect changing political realities -- and he's provided useful assistance to our oldest and staunchest ally in the Global War on Terror. (M.C. Dornan, Scottsdale, Ariz.) Emily Litella: Because, deep down, most of us would be kind of curious to see flea erections. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Because she asks the questions we need to hear, like: "What's all this we hear about parasailin' being good for vice president? Sure, hanging from a kite and being dragged by a boat may be fun, but is it prudent?" (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) She's opposed to the whore in Iraq and our young soldiers being maimed by exploding IUDs. Why are we sending our troops to an Iraqi whore anyway? What's wrong with American whores? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Sweeney Todd: No rubber chicken at HIS fund-raising banquets! (Peter Metrinko) Britney Spears's hairstylist: Sure, he blows a lot of hot air, but I'll bet he's pretty knowledgeable about domestic affairs. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Managing the budget of a country with a huge deficit will be no problem for this candidate: He's used to doing a lot with nothing. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) A true populist: He'll give the top half and the bottom half the same treatment. (Jay Shuck) Cartman: When mortgages fail and countless families declare bankruptcy, we will want a leader capable of jumping at least three homeless people at once. (Sean Dolan, Wilmington, Del., a First Offender) A 49-cent goldfish from Wal-Mart: Because it's time for a new bag of carp in the White House. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Vote Goldfish: You know he's in the tank for you. (Bruce Alter) Chuck Smith of Woodbridge: Look at his success in foreign policy: He's already had a Czar and an Empress wrapped around his finger. (Marc Boysworth, Burke) I can see Dale City from my house. As for foreign relations, I've traveled to Mexico, specifically Cancun, and experienced a bad hangover on the plane ride back. I've often been quoted in The Washington Post. I am an expert on natural gas, as I am lactose-intolerant. I have been drug-free for many years, more if you don't count stool softeners. I am no stranger to torture, as I have attended a Celine Dion concert. Court records of my teenage years are sealed. And I once sold something on eBay. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) TICKETS Tapioca pudding/goldfish: One is old-fashioned, plain, lumpy, pasty and white, the other new and unknown, with limited experience swimming in a small pond, suddenly thrust out in the world in a goldfish bowl, unable to hide. Just right for the GOP. (John Bunyan, Cincinnati) Moss-covered rock/Benedict Arnold: Both the rock -- it's no rolling stone -- and Benedict Arnold take a firm anti-revolution stance. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Goldfish/Bert: As Sarah Palin reminds us, "We must not blink." Here are two candidates who never will! (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park; Steve Offutt, Arlington; Dan Ramish, Vienna) Benedict Arnold/James Buchanan: Our counterintelligence efforts will vastly improve under two people who know what it's like to play for the other team. (N.G. Andrews, Portsmouth, Va.) Goldfish/Chuck Smith: The 49-cent goldfish, you have to wonder if there's a lot a life left in it, and Smith constantly gets his name in the paper for saying silly things. Not the most endearing "qualities" per se, but that doesn't seem to matter. (Christopher Lamora; Brian Cohen, Potomac) Next Week: The Shill Game, or Sellebrities ====================================================================== WEEK 787, published October 18, 2008 Week 787: Tour de Fours V Mittenmitten: The ultimate in hand protection. Preminder: An announcement letting you know about an upcoming save-the-date invitation. Venim: Snakeskin jeans. Once again we steal from our unwitting predecessor, the late and lit'ry New York Magazine Competition, which regularly ran contests on this theme before its demise in 2000 after an amazing 973 installments. This week: Coin and define a humorous word that includes -- with no other letters between them, but in any order -- the letters M, I, N and E, as in the examples above. It has to be a new word, not a new definition for a well-known existing word. You may add a hyphen for clarity. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an embarrassingly ridiculous Chinese hat with a long braid of yarn "hair" hanging from it. It was actually acquired outside the Temple of Heaven on a trip to Beijing by Howard Walderman of Columbia, perhaps the only regular Loser not to own a computer, and it's modeled here by totally computer-savvy Loser and Good Sport Mae Scanlan of Washington, who posed with it during a recent monthly Loser brunch. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 27. Put "Week 787" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 15. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Roy Ashley. Report From Week 783, in which we asked you to choose an appropriate -- or comically inappropriate -- person, real or fictional, to endorse a particular product. Entries sent by too many people to credit individually include the Marquis de Sade, Torquemada, etc., for Hertz; Cheney hunting buddy Harry Whittington for Target; Monica Lewinsky for Hummer; and Bill Clinton for Merriam-Webster. 4. Lorena Bobbitt for Johnson Wax. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) 3. Vladimir and Estragon for Verizon Repair Service. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) 2. the winner of the books "Yiddish With Dick and Jane" and "Yiddish With George and Laura": Jane Fonda for 20th Century Fox. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) And the Winner of the Inker: Ralph Nader for Armour Chopped Liver: "Hey, where's MY press coverage?" (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Seen Only on 4 a.m. Infomercials: Honorable Mentions The Three Magi for the Old Spice Gift Pack. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) Robert Franklin Stroud, the Birdman of Alcatraz, for Stayfree With Wings. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Sen. Larry Craig for Tappan. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Pee-wee Herman for Hot Pockets. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) 50 Cent for Lehman Brothers. (Mike Ostapiej) Matt Drudge for Dirt Devil. (Chris Doyle; Stephen Dudzik) Mike Krzyzewski for Hooked on Phonics. (N.G. Andrews, Portsmouth, Va.) Joan of Arc for Sears. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Karl Rove for Powerade. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) David Duke for Kotex: "Wear white with confidence." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Sen. Joseph McCarthy for Visine. (Beverley Sharp, Washington; Mike Ostapiej) Henry Paulson for AIG: "I liked it so much, I bought the company. (With your money.)" (Chuck Koelbel, Houston) Marty Feldman for Google. (Mike Ostapiej) Howard Dean for NASA: In space no one can hear me scream. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Yusuf Islam for Meow Mix. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Bill Clinton for Depends. (Brad Alexander; Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn; Russ Taylor, Vienna) 280 million Americans for Lean Pockets. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Kermit the Frog for Emetrol: So you're not queasy being green. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Steve Irwin for Ray-Ban. (Stephen Dudzik; Kevin Dopart, Washington) Henry Paulson for NetZero. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Jeffrey Dahmer for PETA: "Because we shouldn't eat helpless animals." (Jon Graft, Centreville) Lou Dobbs for Borders: "Come celebrate our grand closing!" (Brendan Beary) Larry Craig for Fruit by the Foot. (Brendan Beary) Oedipus for Next Day Blinds. (Brendan Beary; Stephen Dudzik) Al Gore for Green Giant. (Brendan Beary; Mike Ostapiej) Johnnie Cochrane for Trojans: "If the glove don't fit, you can't emit." (Russ Taylor) Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco and Jason Giambi for Pep Boys (Rick Haynes, Potomac; Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) Gen. Antonio López de Santa Anna for Texas Toast. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Sen. Robert Byrd for Smithfield Foods: "Pork: Apparently, it's also the other white meat." (Barry Koch) Hugh Grant for Celebrity Cruises. (Beth Morgan, San Francisco) Boy George for Irish Spring Soap: "Manly, yes, but I like it, too." (Mike Ostapiej) John Edwards for Pop Secret. (Chris Doyle) . . . and for Cheetos. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) . . . and for Strayer University. (N.G. Andrews) Chuck Norris for any damn thing he wants, and you'll buy it, too. (Russell Beland) Next Week: Words to the Wiseacres, or The Pithy Party ====================================================================== WEEK 788, published October 25, 2008 Week 788: The Back End of a Bulwer In the pitch black, James pondered his inescapable fate, plummeting to the bottom of an elevator shaft sans elevator, with a sense of calm, knowing that despite the lack of any reprise, the author had already sold the movie rights to the sequel. This year the annual Bulwer-Lytton contest-- for a badly written opening to a novel -- was won by a Garrison Spik of the District. The Invitational ripped off this contest directly back in 2002, and since then several readers, most notably rookie Loser Marc Boysworth of Burke (whose example is above), have suggested the obvious twist. This week: Give us a comically terrible ending of a novel. Seventy-five words tops, but brevity in the name of wit will not be scorned. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a car antenna ornament of "Booger Boy," a spike-haired kid picking his nose, donated by 399-time Loser Kevin Dopart. What a lovely complement to a few Loser Magnets stuck to a trunk lid. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 3. Put "Week 788" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Mike Ostapiej; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by John O'Byrne. Report From Week 784, in which we sought proverbs for the 21st century, either updates of classic maxims or brand-new nuggets of wisdom. Just after we announced this contest, the market collapsed. 4. A man who wears suits double-breasted in woman's breasts has never rested. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) 3. If you put lipstick on a pit bull, prepare to be bitten. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) 2. the winner of the blinking, noisy frog and dolphin pens: Don't cry over spilt milk. Unless it spilt on your BlackBerry. (Brian Cohen, Potomac) And the Winner of the Inker If you are in financial stew, Think "What would Warren Buffett do?" But if your stocks are stone-cold dead, Take Jimmy Buffett's lead instead.(Mike Dailey, Centreville) A Few More Grins of Truth: Honorable Mentions If you are in the public spotlight, try not to look like Tina Fey. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A download a day brings the RIAA. (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) Do not dwell in too big a house, or you will soon be lying down in green pastures. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's probably Gilbert Gottfried. (Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif.) A penny saved is better than a penny invested. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) LOL & all LOL 2; cry & u cry solo. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Better to light a candle than curse that #@$! end table my wife HAD to get that is totally out of place in the living room that I hit my calf on EVERY time I pass it on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. (Marc Boysworth, Burke) Five hundred thirty-five fools and my money are soon united. (Michael Fransella, Arlington) Delete every cookie To hide on-line nooky. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) There's no free lunch in Washington -- unless you can eat it with toothpicks. (Kevin Dopart) The quickest way to drive your friends and colleagues up a wall: When answering an e-mail, always use "Reply to All." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) You'll have to work till you're 83 If all your stock is in AIG. (Mike Dailey) When gridlocked in traffic, and forced there to linger, De-stress and give rest to your poor middle finger. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) If you can read and think and spell, The daily Post will serve you well. If you can't spell or think or read, Perhaps a blog is more your speed. (Brendan Beary) Be moderate in all your urges; Let your binges match your purges. (Brendan Beary) Bars and bras both beckon guys When their cups are supersize. (Kevin Dopart) Never put off till later what you can BlackBerry from your bathroom now. (Kevin Dopart) Don't obsess over your shortcomings; that's your mate's job. (Bob Reichenbach, Philadelphia, a First Offender) May we never miss W. (G. Smith, New York) "American Idol" idles Americans. (Mike Ostapiej) Foolish are you, male or female, If you reply to Nigerian e-mail. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) Make not a password of simple design Lest your account balance transfers to mine. (Andrea Kelly) When you lie down with dogs, make sure there are no photographers nearby. (Chuck Smith) Congressmen are known by the companies that keep them. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) If you push the envelope, sometimes things get sticky. (Chuck Smith) If booze you use for life's escapes, the dawn will bring the wrath of grapes. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Honor thy mother, her boyfriend, thy father and his third wife. That second wife was just nuts -- forget about her. (Jon Graft, Centreville) It matters not if you win or lose: It's endorsements, baby! (Cy Gardner, Arlington) The meek shall inherit the earth, after the executor of the estate pays an estate tax equal to a maximum of 45 percent (in 2008, or 55 percent in 2011 plus a 5 percent bubble in some cases) of the amount by which the taxable estate (including the earth) exceeds the applicable exclusion amount within nine months of the date of death . . . (Jon Graft, Esq.) Next Week: The Ballad Box, or I Sing the Body Electorate ====================================================================== WEEK 789, published November 1, 2008 Week 789: Doctrine in the House? The Cheney Doctrine: Shoot first and don't answer questions later. The U.N. Doctrine: Stomp your foot, wag your finger, and hold your breath until you turn blue in the face. Surely, Sarah Palin isn't the only government official who didn't have a clue what the Bush Doctrine was: We can't help wonder how the president himself would have responded to Charlie Gibson's quiz question (except that, yes, he agreed with it). Anyway, our latest Meteorically Rising Loser, the out-of-nowhere Mike Ostapiej of Tracy, Calif., suggests this week's contest: State a humorous, original "doctrine" for a person or other entity, as in Mike's examples above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a brand-new Restop 2 Disposable Travel Toilet, found for us in the Canadian Rockies by Loser Steve Langer of Chevy Chase, not to be confused with Loser Steve Ettinger of Chevy Chase, even though we once did that very thing. The Restop 2 is basically a bag for one's solid waste (hence the 2), much like the delivery bags that make a Post subscription essential for Washington dog owners. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 10. Put "Week 789" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Russell Beland; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Mae Scanlan; the title for those on washingtonpost.com is by Chris Doyle. Report From Week 785, in which we sought humorous songs on the general theme of the campaign and election, set to a familiar tune. In number of responses, Obama (or at least Not McCain-Palin) won in a landslide among the hundreds of entries; very few of the songs submitted would be warmly embraced by the GOP. There were several bitterly passionate screeds that, while well crafted, didn't exactly fall into the "funny" category, such as the full-length "American Pie" parody about the Republican ruination of our nation whose refrain was "This'll be the way we all fry." 3. (To"With a Little Help From My Friends") How can I get you to give me your vote, To elect John McCain, GOP? Tell you I'll fight? Or proclaim that I'm right? No, I think that this phrase is the key: Oh, I will constantly call you "my friends." Yes, I will never stop saying "my friends." I will relentlessly utter "My friends."(Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) 2. the winner of the genuine German polka LP and musical-motif pencils: (To the theme from "The Beverly Hillbillies") Come and listen to my story 'bout John McCain, Senate maverick barely floatin' his campaign. He couldn't use a running mate with credibility, So he went for youth and sex and selected Sarah P. Palin, that is. Pit bull. Hockey mom. Well, the bump in the polls was lookin' pretty big, But was Palin pushin' change or puttin' lipstick on a pig? They kept her under wraps, wouldn't let her on TV Till she finally sat down to have a chat with Katie C. Couric, that is. Gotcha girl. Media e-lite. And now the voters are questioning the judgment of McCain As Palin speaks in tongues that commentators can't explain. And if those two thought it was as bad as it could be, They don't have a clue to fix our e-conomy. (John Bunyan, Cincinnati) And the Winner of the Inker (To "Downtown") Why do the polls and pundits Say that Obama's gonna win the race? Dow Jones! Why are McCain and Palin Finding it tough to make a winning case? Dow Jones! While John McCain is talking tough and Sarah Palin's winking, We wring our hands while every day the Dow just keeps on sinking. Where will it end? McCain talks of William Ayers, But with the stock market crashing, Now who really cares? Cause it's Dow Jones we really care about. Dow Jones cleaning our savings out. Dow Jones! Look at my 401(k). (Barbara Sarshik and Andy Pike, McLean) More Campainful Contributions: Honorable Mentions (To "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer") Sarah, the red-state mav'rick Likes to wrinkle up her nose. When Katie Couric quizzed her, You could almost say she froze. Sarah's a hockey mama, Likes to hunt and shoot big game, She'd like to bag Obama With his non-Joe-Sixpack name. 'Twas upon a summer's day John McCain did say: Sarah, with your right-wing views, Run with me, and we can't lose! But should we fail, doggone it, And the votes don't go our way, You're sure to find employment Impersonating Tina Fey. (Sandra Segal, Rockville) (To "There's No Business Like Show Business") There's no scheming like their scheming, There's no place they won't go. If you've been foreclosed out of your dwelling 'Cause you couldn't pay your mortgage note, You will see the dirty-tricksters kvelling As they are telling you not to vote. There's no scheming like their scheming, There's no game they won't throw. Lawyers salivating at the courthouse door, So reminiscent of Bush v. Gore. And will the deciding vote be 5 to 4? Let's go on with the show! (Barbara Sarshik and Andy Pike) (To "Oklahoma") Baraaaaack Obama, who throws all his friends beneath the bus. Take the Rev'rend Wright, now out of sight, and Barack says he never heard him cuss! Ba-raaaaack Obama, talking of his past is indiscreet. 'Bout that guy Bill Ayers, he says, "Who cares? Oh, he's just some guy from down the street." He says he will lead us to change, But the way he will do that seems strange. For when he says . . . "Who? I never talked to youuuuu," We're only sayin': We knew you before you were running. Yes, you knew us, it's true. (George Vary, Bethesda) (To "Clementine") I was dyin' and a-cryin' When they said my grave would be The expressway called Dan Ryan In the town where thugs go free. Though I hate the trucks atop me On their way to Terre Haute, On the bright side -- it's Chicago, So I'm still allowed to vote. -- Jimmy Hoffa, Undisclosed Location (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) (To "The Rain in Spain") An Arab name, quite plainly, will inflame The folks who mainly need someone to blame. So what is "that one's" middle name? It's Hussein! It's Hussein! And who'll save us from this bane? McCain! McCain! . . . (Nick Curtis, Alexandria) A Coarse Line (To "One") "That one," that Democrat sensation, Wants to bump the rich tax rate. That one, black/Caucasian combination: Let's try to stir up some hate! "That one's connected to terrorists" just might do; "You know McCain but, Obama, just who are you?" That one . . . voting for more spending, Who votes for pork more than the rest? If you suckers haven't guessed: That one, son! Ooh, my, ratchet up the tension! When I smile and point and mention He's that one. (John Bunyan) (To "Drive My Car") I asked that gal what she wanted to be; She said, "Johnny-boy, let me see. Been a mayor, a gov'nor, a beauty queen; I want a new gig that'll shake up the scene. Choose me for your running mate, The right wing will all vote that slate. I'll dodge and wink through the debate, And, baby, they'll love me." Veep-veep, your veep-veep: Yeah! (Nick Curtis) (To"Barbara Ann") McCain's pretty bland, I'm no Obama fan, So you can understand why I'm happy Bob Barr ran. Bob Barr ran, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob Barr ran . . . (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) See many more parodies online -- each with a link to an interesting performance of the original song (the Empress is partial to a Muppet performance of "Carolina in the Morning") -- at http://www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. Next Week: Top of the Staake, or Snorts Illustrated Parodies Lost: More Honorable Mentions From Week 785 of The Style Invitational To "Carolina in the Morning" Nothin' am I dreadin' more than Palin to be headin' up the White House, At 3 o'clock one morning when the red phone sounds a warning in the White House. When there comes a crisis loomin' far and wide, Citizens, my advice is: Head for the hills and hide! Nothin' can alarm me more than Palin callin' Army groups to service, Fiddlin' with her bonhomie while runnin' the economy? I'm nervous. If I had a ticket for a trip to St. Lo, I'm thinkin' now's the right time to go, 'Cause nothin's apt to scare a body more than seein' Palin' in the White House. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) To "Come On-a My House" Obamessiah, messi-i-ah, he's a gonna stop-a the climate change! Obamessiah, messi-i-ah, he's a gonna give-a you Health care for free, And he'll part the Red Sea! Eh? Obamessiah, gives terrorists rights! Obamessiah, his pastor hates whites! Obamessiah, mess-i-ah, he's a gonna give-a you Invade Pakistan, And have coffee with Iran! Eh? Obamessiah, he'll soak-a the rich! Obamessiah, his wife is a [lawyer]! Obamessiah, mess-i-ah, he's a gonna give-a you tax cut, too! Obamessiah, mess-i-ah, he's a gonna give you everything! (Michael Fransella, Arlington) To "Seven and a Half Cents" from "The Pajama Game" We figured it out, we figured it out. With Warren Buffett and Hank Paulson, we figured it out! Seven hundred billion bucks doesn't buy a heck of a lot, Seven hundred billion bucks doesn't mean a thing. But give it to some Wall Street sharks, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, And we can borrow all of it from folks in old Beijing! We figured it out. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) To "Doin' What Comes Natur'lly" I'm a mav'rick hockey mom, Golly, gosh, you betcha. I'm as backwoods as can be Speakin' ungrammatically. Nouns and verbs and all that stuff, I mix them up no matter. I just wink and drop a G, Speakin' ungrammatically. You don't have to have a Georgetown home To be sure that Putin is a threat to Nome. You don't have to be a city gal To know Bin Laden is Obama's pal. That comes naturally! The stories from Wasilla Set all the pundits loose. But it's no big megillah If a gal can dress a moose. I don't know how high I'll go But there's one thing I'm sure of: Anywhere I go I'll be Speakin' ungrammatically! (Andy Pike and Barbara Sarshik, McLean) To "Shall We Dance?" Shall we dance? When the questions are thrown in, hard and high? Shall we dance? Shall we dryly dissemble, but not lie? Look askance at my worthy opponent, to imply: I can't prove his proposal is a bargain with the Devil, But can we really take that chance? Can we stage this debate while never answering a question? Shall we dance, shall we dance, shall we dance? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) To "The Girl That I Marry" The gal that I run with will have to be A doll of right-wing Christianity. Joe Six-Pack she'll seduce: She'll wear lipstick and peep-toes and field-dress a moose. She won't answer questions while on the air, 'Cause Charlie and Katie and Gwen ain't fair. While she's flirtin', we'll stop hurtin'. Folks won't notice the issues she's skirtin'. A gun-totin' mama will help beat Obama with me. (Jane Pacelli, Annandale, a First Offender) To "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better" "Any mud you can sling I can throw harder." "I can sling any mud harder than you." "William Ayers!" "Keating Five!" "Reverend Wright!" "Keating Five!" "William Ayers! Reverend Wright!" "Keating Five!" . . . "I can fight a war now!" "I can help the poor now!" "I can bail out Freddie!" "I can show I'm steady!" "I can do most anything!" "Can we fix the Dow? "Uh, we don't know how . . ." (Barbara Sarshik and Andy Pike) To "Always" He's the man to beat: that one. Known to be elite, that one. Ready to harass greedy corp'rate brass, Help the middle class: that one, that one. Should he be your choice, that one, Many will rejoice for that one. Break some new terrain, Hope aboard the train, Not for John McCain, But that one. (Mae Scanlan) To "The Band Played On" sung by Gov. Sarah Palin I'm gonna win 'cause I've managed to spin that I'm just -- like -- you; I chat with my neighbor, I go into labor, I'm just like you; I'm so darn plebeian, I'm picturin' me an' you huntin' and hoistin' a few. Don't go for the pearl, I'm your ornery girl and I'm just like you. My values are flawless, I'm just a bit lawless, I'm just like you; I don't like elitists, hey we are red-meatists! I'm just like you; I'm not hoity-toity, I fight down and doity, my bloodlines are red 'stead of blue; So give me your vote and I'll paddle your boat 'cause I'm just like you! (Mae Scanlan) To "MacNamara's Band" Oh, our names are Mac and Sarah, we're the leaders of a brand They call the Grand Old Party, and a change is close at hand. The country is in trouble, and we face a coming storm, So vote for trusted mavericks who'll bring about reform. Oh, we'll make Iran, Afghanistan and Pakistan all free. We'll shrink the debt as taxes get as low as they can be. A hockey mom and Navy man will soon be in command. Republicans will rule the land with Mac and Sarah's brand! (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) To "Heads Carolina, Tails California" Buddy, what do you say you join my cause? You're an independent, gotta stop with the hems and haws. Hey you people in Boston And you ladies there in Des Moines. You'll be choosing a leader, So please don't flip a coin. Red Carolina, blue California. He's someone scary, I gotta warn ya. Up in the mountains, down by the ocean, Voters are showin' me their devotion. Let's come together, we'll turn a corner. Red Carolina, blue California. (Chris Doyle) To "It Had To Be You" So where is Baku? I haven't a clue. I tried to ask God (I couldn't find Todd, He's in an igloo). I have to get through This ghastly debut. I can't show the strain Of having no brain, Far less a worldview. But who needs to think? Rely on your wink! I'll turn on the charm, Deflect and disarm, While turning the screw. Campaigning with John's been such a thrill, So full of pep -- what a strong will For 72! Now we're all through, We're planning a coup . . . (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) To "Yesterday" "Yes" today. Then tomorrow it's "No way, José!" Pay no mind to anything I say -- I'll waffle till you vote my way . . . (Beverley Sharp, Washington) To the theme from "Rawhide" Palin! Palin! Palin! Though your ticket's trailin', Don't you think of bailin': Tell lies! Tell all that gosh darn media, "I'm too cute ta need ya!" Defeat don't have to mean your demise. In four years you can pick it, The place atop the ticket. Try again, without the old guy. Troopergate? It can wait! Party hacks -- Don't need facts! Don't you stop! Flip and flop! Tell lies! (Cy Gardner, Arlington) To "Oklahoma" Hey, Joe Sixpack, when the feds come sweepin' down your street Here to take your gun, well, they've just begun And the lib'ral press, they think it's neat! Hey, Joe Sixpack, then they'll come into your daughter's school, Make her take a pill against her will And the media will think it's cool. We know how to plunder the land So we drill, baby, drill, ain't it grand? And when we say: Keep those liberals awaaaay! I'm only sayin' You'll be okay, Joey Sixpack! Vote for Palin today. (Roy Ashley, Washington) To "Hot Stuff," sung by Hillary Clinton Sittin' here wearin' my pantsuit, waitin', Waitin' for Obama to call. Guess he hasn't seen my numbers lately, Hope he don't expect me to crawl. Gonna have a big huff maybe this evenin', I mean a big huff maybe tonight. After that big huff, baby, I'm leavin.' VP or a big huff, VP or I'm leavin' tonight. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) To "Eleanor Rigby" Ah, look at all the Congress people . . . Nancy Pelosi calls for a vote in the House where she thought she could lead: Didn't succeed. Calls an extension, twisting some arms she might sway as she goes to the floor. Should have done more. All the Congress people, Why are they all so dumb? All the Congress people, Pledge change that doesn't come (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) To " The Rain in Spain" It's plain McCain won't deign to talk to Spain. (He's so erratic, undiplomatic.) McCain's inanely run a lame campaign. Now, what's McCain disdain? It's Spain! It's Spain! And where's McCain's campaign? Down the drain! Down the drain! . . . (Chris Doyle) To "Okie From Muskogee" I'm proud to be a drilla from Wasilla, A town where folks don't mind the land we spoil. We all welcome Exxon at the courthouse. And the biggest thrill is spillin' ANWR oil. . . . (Chris Doyle) To "Rock Around the Clock" Take the gloves off, John, and join the fun With a hockey mom -- load and lock your gun. We're gonna mock Barack for bein' tight With his nasty pastor, Reverend Wright. We're gonna knock, gonna knock Barack around tonight. Hey, let's call him by his middle name, Bring up Fannie Mae, say that he's to blame. We gotta make the voters understan' That Barack is such a dangerous man. He'll desert Iraq, wave the white flag at Iran. Only three more days to November 4. We've been slingin' mud, gonna sling some more. We gotta keep on knockin' round the clock, We gotta keep it up or face the shock Of a Democratic prez who's named Barack. (Chris Doyle) ====================================================================== WEEK 790, published November 8, 2008 Week 790: If Only! If the atomic bomb had never been developed, that beach movie would have been called "How to Stuff a Wild Two-Piece Swimsuit." We wouldn't have believed the following assertion had it not come from Russell Beland, late of Springfield and now of Fairfax, who has an entire shelf in his Pentagon office filled with loose-leaf binders containing clipped copies of the past 789 weeks of The Style Invitational. Russell swears that we have not done this simple contest before, one he came up with his son Zack. This week: Explain how the world would be different had some event not occurred, as in Russell's example above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a used Potty Elmo, a special version of the Elmo doll that, when you squeeze some body part (no, it doesn't have THAT body part), will ask for a drink, say that he has to use the potty, and discuss the achievement. Obviously, it is an excellent decoration for one's office at the Pentagon, accompaniment at shareholder meetings, etc. Potty Elmo was hand-delivered to The Washington Post's front desk by erstwhile Loser Mary Ann Henningsen of Hayward, Calif., who once appeared at the Losers' award brunch wearing a tube top fashioned from Loser magnets. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 17. Put "Week 790" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Larry Yungk. This week's Honorable Mentions headline is by Beverley Sharp. Report From Week 786, in which we asked for captions for any of four Bob Staake cartoons (click on the slideshow at the top of this page to see the cartoons). A surprising number of people, seemingly of all ages, identified the person on top of the really big shoe as Ed Sullivan. 4. Cartoon B: "Doctor, I think you used the time machine instead of the EKG machine again." (Ed Gordon, Fort Lauderdale) 3. Cartoon B: Holding on-campus keg parties proved to be a boon for Dr. Kyle's organ theft syndicate. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 2. the winner of the Mental Block platitudinous desktop toy: Cartoon A: "Pumpkin, the world knows you're Elastic Girl, but would it be possible, just this once, for you to go to bed like any other 6-year-old?" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) And the Winner of the Inker Cartoon D: "There goes the Jenga world champion. They say she flushes her toilet only twice a year." (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Slightly Out of Toon: Honorable Mentions Cartoon A: " . . . and then the Magic Bed fell from the sky on the Evil Ex-Wife, and the Good Dad and Beautiful Daughter were finally free to move to California to be closer to Daddy's friend Lisa." (Jeff Brechlin) Ever competitive, Mom could not stop at simply letting her family walk all over her. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "Well, Agent 99, according to this report there's only one other place on Earth to look for Bin Laden." (Anthony DeVico, Alexandria, whose only previous ink was in May 2003, also for a caption contest) "Well, your mother said we had to keep two feet on the floor." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) No, Mommy is doing it right. Look, it says right here: "Travelers can press clothes by putting them under a mattress" -- it doesn't say anything about having to take them off first." (Larry Yungk, Arlington) "Honestly, Mommy, 'Goodnight Moon' is not THAT scary!" (Marc Boysworth) Cartoon B: "Wow, these painkillers are amazing -- I could swear I see a nurse growing out of the doctor's back!" (Anthony DeVico) "Look, doc -- I told you the circumcision would help my virility." (Rick Haynes, Potomac) "Hey, go ahead -- I'm from Oslo and I haven't felt my toes since I was two days old." (Rob Pivarnik, Stratford, Conn., a First Offender) While still in critical condition, Iceland's economy has begun to recover. (Kevin Dopart) Did someone call for a Norse? (Frank Yuen, Forest Hills, N.Y.; Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Cartoon C: Hey, don't blame me -- maybe if she hadn't had all those children she could have made a few mortgage payments. (Dean Evangelista, Rockville; Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) I can never get these European shoe size conversions right. (Art Grinath) "Hey, all I did was borrow a little foot cream from Barry Bonds, and . . ." (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) The new James Bond thriller "Quantum of Shoelace" cried out for a last-minute rewrite. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) "It's cozy, but some days I want to chuck it all and move to a Birkenstock in Maine." (Arch Lamont, San Diego, a First Offender) Cartoon D: Miss Litella rushes to get all the stock out of the market. (Drew Bennett, sent from Dalian, China) Pat, as a strict grammarian, refuses to acknowledge the "10 items or less" sign. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) "I shudder to think what would happen if she ever married and had a family."(M.C. Dornan, Scottsdale, Ariz.) Next week: Tour de Fours V, or The MINE Field ====================================================================== WEEK 791, published November 15, 2008 Week 791: The 1K Club Today, with his Losing entry in this week's results, the phenomenally clever wordsmith Chris Doyle becomes the second Loser to be published 1,000 times in The Style Invitational, joining Russell Beland in the Double Hall of Fame. The amazing thing is that, except for seven entries, Chris did not start playing the Invite until March 2000, seven years after the contest began. Since then, Chris has managed to amass not only vats of Invitational ink, primarily in wordplay and poetry contests, but also an incomparable 37 first-place finishes (he's been declining Inkers for years) and an even 100 runners-up. And much of this while the retired Defense Department big shot was traveling several times around the world, sending entries from Internet cafes, ferries, yak hookups, etc., along the way. So what was Chris doing before 2000? He was a star of the fabled New York Magazine Competition, whose memory we regularly honor by stealing from it. In that spirit, we offer up this NYMag perennial contest: This week: Supply a chain of 20 names -- they may be names of people, places, organizations, products, etc., but they must be names -- beginning and ending with "Chris Doyle." The links can be based on a similarity between the names themselves or, better, on some humorous relationship between the two elements. For example, Chris's chain on "George W. Bush" from Week 732 finished with "Molly Pitcher, Nolan Ryan, the KKK, David Duke, Mike Krzyzewski, Carlos Boozer, A.A. Milne, Christopher Robin, Batman, Lestat de Lioncourt, Anne Rice, Condoleezza Rice, George W. Bush." That won a T-shirt. See all the Week 732 chains at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational (scroll down past that week's new contest). Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the latest in our series of Funny Hats Sent From Beijing, from Drew Bennett of West Plains, Mo., and modeled by Washington Post Scion Ava Beard (not included). Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 24. Put "Week 791" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte, who has 972 inks himself. This week's Honorable Mentions headline is by Andrew Hoenig. Statistics are courtesy of Loser Elden Carnahan at www.gopherdrool.com. Report From Week 787, in which we asked you to create words containing the letters M, I, N and E, adjacent to one another but in any order. 4. Glandmine: A teenager. (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Ira Allen, Bethesda) 3. Indeterminetable: An airline schedule. (Mike Anderson, Billings, Mont., a First Offender) 2. the winner of the first Funny Hat From Beijing: Effeminazi: Someone who thinks gays should have equal rights. -- R. Limbaugh, the Airwaves (Roy Ashley, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker Jazzmine: A tea that can be enjoyed either hot or cool, but never smooth. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) UnderMINEd: Honorable Mentions Fannie Maelstrom: The giant sucking sound of the nation's credit system going down the toilet. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Amen-i-eat: The only grace shorter than "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub." (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Blesspheming: Damning with faint praise. (Tom Witte) Ciao mein: An Italian stir-fry with bean sprouts, bamboo shoots and Alfredo sauce. (Roy Ashley; Dave Zarrow, Reston) Mein chow: A German noodle dish. (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire, England) Eminenema: A purge of old rap albums from your iPod. (Hamdi Akar, Broad Run, Va.) Cinemoron: Someone who uses his cellphone in the theater. (Hugh Pullen, Vienna) Deminerd: Someone who'd never think of wearing a pocket protector, but has ink spots on his shirt. (Barry Koch) Callumnies: Those automated phone messages spreading lies about the other candidate. (Roy Ashley) Demingle: Sidle out of a boring conversation at a party. (Hugh Pullen) Emnityville: The locale of many a Thanksgiving dinner horror. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly; Russ Taylor, Vienna) Meanie-me: A political surrograte who slings mud on the candidate's behalf, letting the candidate appear to be above the fray. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Errmine: Fake fur good enough to fool an expert, but not your wife. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Feeminism: Pride in prostitution. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale, whose last ink was in 1999) Fermienah: Eh, not my type. (Frederick Mitsdarfer, Wilmington, Del., a First Offender) Himnesia: How some women move on after a bad breakup. (Christopher Lamora, from Kigali, Rwanda) Home-mining: Digging for coins between the couch pillows. (Alli Peterson, Newark, Del.) Imenses: Monthly bloat. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) In medias race: Not the best time for a pol to come out of the closet. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Javelin-meat: Someone who stands in the wrong place at a track and field event. (Peter Metrinko) Laramie-Not: The first decision of prospective gay honeymooners. (Christopher Lamora) McCain-mean: Measure of nastiness in a political campaign falling somewhere between girl-with-daisy-mean and Swift-boat-mean. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Melodramamine: A treatment for emotion sickness. (Frank Yuen, Forest Hills, N.Y.) Minepeeper: A program that monitors how much time employees spend playing computer games. (Dominic Nooney, Hong Kong, a First Offender) Groinmelon: A fetus. (Tom Witte) Minestone: A soup with added herb. (Mike Inman, Lewes, Del.) Pheromine: A weird underarm smell that attracts you to yourself. (David Garratt) Preminisce: To get nostalgic for something before it even happens. (Mike Inman) Queenmirth: "We are not unamused." (Kevin Dopart) Henmity: Misogyny. (Tom Witte) Solemnivorous: Taking eating way too seriously. (Gary Heinze, Vienna, a First Offender) Tenmiler: Someone who looks pretty good from waaaay back. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Minimegalomania: Grand ambition to win a runner-up T-shirt in The Style Invitational. Or a magnet, anyway. Or maybe a leftover magnet from last year. (Hugh Pullen) Next Week: The Back End of a Bulwer, or Denouemonstrosities ====================================================================== WEEK 792, published November 22, 2008 Week 792: Clue Us In 36 Across: Actual clue: Raised, as cattle New clue: Text-message exhortation sent by Communist recruiters For the third straight year, we're going to compile a set of funny alternative clues to a crossword penned by Ace Constructor and now Rye, N.Y., City Council member Paula Gamache; this one ran in The Post on Nov. 12. It's more important for the clues to be funny than to fit crossword conventions; for instance, you certainly don't need to signal a pun by ending the clue with a question mark. Still, as for a crossword, the clue needs to match the part of speech; if the word is a singular noun, the clue can't refer to a plural verb. Offer as many clues as you like, but keep the wording concise, because otherwise we won't be able to fit a whole set on the page. Please say which word you're writing the clue for; don't just write "36 Down." Paula will help judge. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives -- just in time for Christmas -- one of the most annoying Christmas decorations we've ever seen inflicted upon the world: It's an electric tabletop diorama of Santa playing the piano while a cat watches. When you turn it on, it beeps out (we think) "Jingle Bells," seemingly trying to imitate the broken car horn of a Fiat. Also, Santa's and the cat's heads jerk around creepily. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 1. Put "Week 792" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 20. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was sent by both Stephen Dudzik and Chris Doyle; this week's Honorable Mentions headline is by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 788, in which we asked for a comically badly written ending to a novel, much as the annual Bulwer-Lytton contest asks for the beginning of one. A number of the hundreds of entries we received were shaggy dog stories -- anecdotes whose punch lines were groaner puns. Others offered alternative endings to existing books. Those aren't what we had in mind for this contest, but hold on to them for future ones. 4. As he left, the captain flashed a smile -- a wide, satisfied grin with lips parted a quarter-inch, the right corner of the mouth raised slightly above the left, and a dry lower lip slightly stuck to the teeth -- that defied description. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 3. Oh, and by the way, Chapters 3, 8, 10 and part of 16 were all dreams, in case you hadn't caught on. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) 2. the winner of the Booger Boy car antenna ornament: First the infarction, then the ambulance ride, now going under the knife, he drifted away under anesthesia, humming Celine Dion's tune "My Heart Will Go On." But it didn't. (Larry Miller, Rockville) And the Winner of the Inker -- As the wail of the nearing sirens shook him awake, Todd rose from the charred remains of Rensfield Manor, wiped the ectoplasm from his brow and, stuffing the Amulet of Valtor inside his shirt, gazed ruefully at the venom-encrusted Sword of Darjan, realizing that this long night wasn't over yet, because he still had a heck of a lot of explaining to do. (LuAnn Bishop, West Haven, Conn.) The Lost Weak Ends: Honorable Mentions And Washington ceased to exist in a fireball that churned skyward like the gaseous plea of a whale that had ingested a crate of habanero peppers, red and yellow -- the explosion, not the peppers, though habaneros, which are the world's hottest, can in fact be red or yellow. Not that this mattered to the former residents of Washington, who were now mere dust particles; all they were was dust in the wind.(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Over the years, she became for Gary a fuzzy memory, until he had trouble even making out her features, though he was still pretty sure she was female and her name started with a B or R. (Jay Shuck) He had only 75 words to go on his contractually required novel of 50,000 words. A guy could say a lot in 75 words, like "Pudding is best when it's warm." He wondered whether to count hyphenated words as two words. Strange thoughts come to a fellow at times like these. Should he have written "50,000" as "fifty thousand"? He was close enough to count down: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2. (Art Grinath) Not! (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Henry gazed at the depleted tube of toothpaste on the sink and thought of his life with Gertrude: you know, how the tube gets all wrinkled up and folded, and the cap gets dirty, and you're looking forward to getting a brand-new tube, but the new paste squeezes out too fast, and anyway you're bewildered by all the choices on the store shelves? (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) In the end, we realized that we didn't really own Dopey: He owned us. And now we had the restrictive spiked collars to prove it. (Beth Morgan, San Francisco) He had been in a long, slow denouement. He rocked rhythmically on the porch, at once hesitant to turn the next page of his life, yet resolved to face his fate. With a deep sigh and exhalation, he turned the page. The page was blank. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) She slowly tied noose to rafter, and then she slowly loaded six .38-caliber bullets into her revolver, and then she slowly swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills, and, with gas from the unlit kitchen stove slowly flooding the house, she, gun in hand, slowly mounted the creaking chair beneath the dangling noose. Finally, slowly, oh so slowly, she thought, "THIS will teach those meanies at Publishers Clearing House." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) So, from now on, call me Isabel. (Art Grinath) Approaching dawn's rosy fingers limned a sweat-stained border around my ponderous flesh on the wafer-thin flophouse mattress that had involuntarily witnessed a thousand loveless assignations. Worse, the tag had been removed. Still, tomorrow held the happy promise that all mankind would act like golden retrievers and I, like they, scratched my ear, chuffed contentedly and resumed my sleep. (George Vary, Bethesda) And as he watched, the day slowly faded away like the picture on an old black-and-white TV when you turned it off, only this time, there was no little pop of light at the very end. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Next Week: Doctrine in the House? or Hot Dogmas ====================================================================== WEEK 793, published November 29, 2008 Week 793: Take the Fifth Breed El Gato Malo with Smokin Stogies and name the foal Five Lives Left. This week we celebrate the about-the-fifth anniversary of the Empress's reign -- if we don't, who will? -- with some instant nostalgia. This week: Enter any Style Invitational contest from Week 725 through Week 789. Here are the restrictions: You may submit only one entry per contest (which still lets you enter as many as 65 entries, were you so inclined, and please don't be). And each entry must include the word "five" or "fifth" or something fiveish, as in the example above from Week 759, or -- depending on your favorite anniversary tradition -- something involving (a) wood or (b) silverware. You may refer to events that have occurred since the contest was printed; for contests that ask you to use The Post from a certain day or week, use today's or this week's. You can find all the contests at http://www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets -- just in time to be too late for Christmas -- two especially fine Christmas ornaments: First, from 145-Time Loser Dave Prevar, a very fancy, large, extremely effeminate reindeer who is balancing on a little ball and wearing a purple feather boa, not to mention bells hanging from his or her glittery antlers. Oh, he or she is also wearing large red bows around his or her ankles. And the Empress will add a personal find from the dollar store: an ornament that seems to be a hand grenade dressed as a skiing Santa, complete with goggles that perhaps were painted on by a blind person, and ski poles that reach no farther down than the bottom of Grenade Santa's torso. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 8. Put "Week 793" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Mae Scanlan; this week's Honorable Mentions headline is by Mike Ostapiej. The idea for this week's contest is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 789, in which, amid all the talk of the "Bush Doctrine," we asked you to come up with some other doctrines named for various people or entities. 4. The Joe the Plumber Doctrine: When you plumb the depths and stir it up, you're bound to get some on you. (John Bunyan, Cincinnati) 3. The Joan Rivers Doctrine: Sew on a happy face. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) 2. the winner of the Restop 2 Disposable Travel Toilet: The Palin Doctrine: Well, that's easy to explain: I have rules I believe in following that are based on my doctrine, which sets out the rules that are important to me if I'm to act in accordance to my doctrine and the rules that support it. (Marjorie Streeter, Reston) And the Winner of the Inker The Obama Doctrine: Now what? (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Petered Principles: Honorable Mentions The Palin Doctrine: Marriage is defined as the union between one man and one woman. Or one boy and one girl, in the case of my daughter and -- heyyyy, bucko, where's that ring? (Brenda Ware Jones, Jackson, Miss.) The Danielle Steel Doctrine: Write what you know (will sell). (Beverley Sharp, Washington) The Hefner Doctrine: Don't hire till you see the whites of their thighs. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The CIA Doctrine: Get intel inside. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The Elizabeth Dole Doctrine: Never waste 13 days in North Carolina. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) The Guy Ritchie Doctrine: If you can't marry wisely, marry wealthy. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Putin's Precept: Building a defensive shield against our offensive missiles is an egregious act of provocation. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) The Darwin List Doctrine: Hey, watch this! (Hugh Pullen, Vienna) The Real Bush Doctrine: The only way to ensure that our enemies don't destroy our freedom is to destroy it ourselves first. (Jon Graft, Centreville) The W Doctrine: Let a smirk be your umbrella. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) The Lewinsky Doctrine: No stain, no gain. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) The Easter Bunny Doctrine: Look cute, leave candy, and they'll never suspect you're a symbol of pagan fertility. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) The Angelina Jolie Doctrine: The best way to protect your privacy is to sit for as many interviews as you can book, and mention in all of them that you'd really like more privacy. (Beth Morgan, San Francisco) The Mugabe Doctrine: Make every Zimbabwean a billionaire. (John Flynn, Olney) The Wikipedia Doctrine: You can make this stuff up. (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) The China Doctrine: The squeaky wheel gets the boiling oil. (Chris Rollins) The O.J. Simpson Doctrine: If at first you don't succeed in getting convicted, try, try again. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.; Karen C. Love, Morehead City, N.C., a First Offender) The Donald Trump Doctrine: Never let them see you sweet. (Mike Ostapiej) The Carville Doctrine: The only good Republican is a bedded Republican. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale) The Wolf Blitzer Doctrine: Coming up, my doctrine for repeating the obvious! Stick around, I think you'll wanta hear this! (Leo Agan, Annapolis, a First Offender) The Elisabeth Hasselbeck Doctrine: If you're not the lead dog, The View never changes. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) The Dylan Doctrine: Don't ever mnfffw your grgnwnmls. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The Pit Bull Doctrine: I may look funny with lipstick, but you'll look funnier without an arm. (Lawrence McGuire) The Zorro Doctrine: It's not vandalism, it's free speech. (Lawrence McGuire) The Lieberman Doctrine: Carefully determine the winning candidate in any election, and then back the other guy. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) The Iceland Doctrine: Go for broke. (Bob Reichenbach, Philadelphia) The Amy Winehouse Doctrine: A friend with weed is a friend indeed. (Mike Ostapiej) The Golden Retriever Doctrine: Is that a ball? Is that a ball? Is that a ball? Is that a ball? (Beth Morgan) The Empress Doctrine: Droll, baby, droll! (Phil Frankenfeld) The Empress Doctrine: Always bury the MILF jokes at the end. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Next Week: If Only! or History Repeals Itself ====================================================================== WEEK 794, published December 6, 2008 Week 794: Ripped Off From the Headlines Man With Apple Hovering in Front of Face Sues René Magritte's Estate (the Onion, Nov. 25) As revealed in a recent cover story in The Washington Post Magazine, the editors of the Onion write the paper's headlines before writing the stories, or even knowing quite what they're going to be about. That won't come as a shock to regular Onion readers, since the headlines are often the funniest element of the consistently funny satirical paper, sometimes rendering the stories themselves almost anticlimactic. The Onion not only spoofs the news of the day ("Black Guy Asks Nation for Change") but also glories in treating total non-news as headline news, usually in stories about the population of pathetic schmoes with whom the editors seem suspiciously well acquainted ("Woman Profoundly Moved by Lyrics Artist Put Zero Time or Effort Into"). And it does it in a perfect deadpan sendup of conventional print journalism -- we can only hope that there will be enough newspaper readers left to understand what the Onion is making fun of. So how does the Onion come up with all these zingers week after week? It turns out that the staff -- a cadre of wickedly funny writers who might not fit everyone's description of "well adjusted" -- brainstorms wildly for days on end, generating hundreds of ideas, finally winnowing them down to a couple of dozen gems. Uh, not to hammer home any analogies, but . . . This week, Losers: Send us some Onion-type headlines. They can be on any subject, but they have to be funny on their own, without stories attached. They can't have been published somewhere else. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a combo of two prizes: a stuffed Che Guevara doll that was donated two years ago by 195-time Loser Roy Ashley of Washington and has been decorating the Empress's desk ever since; and a genuine 1972-vintage "Nixon Now" campaign button, courtesy of 18-time Loser Ed Gordon of Fort Lauderdale, Fla. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 15. Put "Week 794" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Roy Ashley; this week's Honorable Mentions headline is by Mike Ostapiej. John O'Byrne, all the way over in Dublin, suggested we do the Onion contest. Report From Week 790, in which we asked you to tell us what would be different had some event not taken place. We acknowledge that some of these effects might not withstand the most rigorous logic, so don't bother writing in to Free for All, The Post's weekly Page o' Niggling Rants. 4. If the chairs had been bolted down on the Titanic's deck, we would have been spared one overused cliche. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 3. If Watergate hadn't happened, reporters would be coining each new scandal "Something-pot Dome." (Larry Yungk, Arlington; Russell Beland, Fairfax) 2. the winner of the Potty Elmo: If newspapers hadn't been invented, we'd be shouting crossword puzzle answers at the town crier. (Stephen Langer, Chevy Chase) And the Winner of the Inker If Napoleon had been exiled to Egypt, instead of the palindrome "Able was I ere I saw Elba," we'd have "Zeus was I ere I saw Suez." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) What Might Has-Beens: Honorable Mentions If Shakespeare hadn't written "Hamlet," an infinite number of monkeys would be looking for jobs. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) If Ralph Nader had not run for the presidency in 2000, Uday Hussein still would be the chief motivator of the Iraqi soccer team. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) If her father had owned a more down-market lodging chain, Paris Hilton might have been named Indianapolis Motel 6. She'd still be just as talented, though. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) If Noah hadn't been so OCD about getting two of every last animal, I'd be able to sit on my deck without lighting all those citronella torches. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) If God hadn't given the Ten Commandments to Moses, Judge Roy Moore would have been ordered to remove the statue of Baal from the courthouse. (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) If Abraham Lincoln had not been assassinated, then Andrew Johnson would never have been president and, uh, well, lots would have changed. Like, instead of "Bush 41" and "Bush 43" we'd have had "Bush 40" and "Bush 42." (Zack and Russell Beland) If Philo T. Farnsworth hadn't invented the TV, guys would have to sit on the couch all weekend reading the football newspapers. (Kevin Dopart) If Herman Melville hadn't written "Omoo," countless crossword puzzle constructors would have been ruined and might have turned to a life of 34 Down: Illegal act. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) If Wham! hadn't come along, Andrew Ridgeley would be practically unknown today. (John Shea) Had the Anglo-Saxons not named their goddess of spring Eostre, then that place in Polynesia with the big heads that look like John Kerry would be called Passover Island. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Had guns never been invented, the Washington Wizards would still be known as the Washington Poison-Tipped Arrows. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale) If Eve had never tasted the apple, you'd be reading this naked. (David Garratt) If Alexander Graham Bell hadn't invented the telephone, Superman would have to change in port-a-potties. (Randy Lee, Burke) If the endoscope had not been invented, we would have ended up relying completely on space aliens for anal probes. (Larry Yungk) If McDonald's hadn't been founded, American cuisine would be unknown to the rest of the world. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) If the South had won the Civil War, Virginia would have named every school and road after a Southern general -- in other words, three more than there are now. (Larry Yungk) If Hope and Crosby had never stopped making those "road" films together, well, it would be kind of creepy trying to make a movie with two dead stars. (Russell Beland) If the Albany Perforated Wrapping Paper Co. had not invented toilet paper in 1877, for the last 130 years pranksters would have had to litter front yards with corncobs. (Larry Yungk) If The Style Invitational had never been created, I would have seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked. (Ira Allen Ginsberg, Bethesda) If Barack Hitler Obama hadn't changed his middle name, he might not have gotten elected. (Chuck Smith) Next Week: The 1K Club, or Chains, Chains, Chains . . . ====================================================================== WEEK 795, published December 13, 2008 Week 795: Stimulate Us Since it's just not quite showy enough, top off the new Capitol Visitor Center with a dome. It's such a feel-great idea: Get the economy rolling again by having our government spend lots of money on stuff we really need right away, creating jobs that will leave us with said stuff. Sure, repairing bridges, building schools, etc., make sense, we guess. But we'd like to hear your ideas, too: This week: Tell us what the government ought to be spending our money on. It ought to go without saying, but you'd be surprised: This is a humor contest. We are looking for funny ideas, not rants or policy proposals. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets -- as time runs out -- the Official Bush Countdown Clock, which includes a digital timer counting down to Jan. 20, 2009, plus a sizable analog clock featuring screedy cartoons about the outgoing administration. Donated at the last minute here by Roy Ashley. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 22, as if you had nothing else to do this week. Put "Week 795" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp; this week's Honorable Mentions headline is by Kevin Dopart. The Royal Consort suggested this week's contest and example. Report From Week 791, in which we asked you to create chains of 20 names, each name relating somehow to the next, and beginning and ending with Chris Doyle of Ponder, Tex., the delightfully clever wordsmith who recently blotted his 1,000th Style Invitational ink. Some of the links on Chris's name refer to his globe-trotting ways, his Defense Department career, his success in the New York Magazine Competition and of course his vaunted sexual prowess. Although the Empress puzzled her way through more than 10,000 name links, she's pretty sure you wouldn't want to read any more than these below. 4. Chris Doyle; the Globetrotters; the Globe Theatre; Shakespeare; "Hamlet"; "Spamalot"; Lady of the Lake; the Laker Girls; Jack Nicholson; "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"; Britney Spears; Lance Armstrong; Lou Ferrigno; Bruce Banner; "The Star-Spangled Banner"; Fannie Flagg; Foggy Bottom; Phileas Fogg; "Around the World in 80 Days"; Chris Doyle. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) 3. Chris Doyle; Department of Defense; War Department; World War I; the Pillsbury Doughboy; Mary Poppins; Julie Andrews; "Victor/Victoria"; Victoria's Secret"; "Chantilly Lace"; "Cagney and Lacey"; "Yankee Doodle Dandy"; Derek Jeter; Bo Derek; 10 Downing Street; Gordon Brown; Queen Elizabeth; the British Empire; the Empress; Chris Doyle. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 2. winner of the second funny hat from Beijing: Chris Doyle; Christopher Reeve; Superman; Mr. Mxyzptlk; "Say My Name"; Destiny's Child; Destiny Hope "Miley" Cyrus; Hannah Montana; Helena Rubinstein; Max Factor; Planck's Constant; "Quantum of Solace"; Agent 007; Q; Minnesota Fats; Chubby Checker; Oliver Twist; Charles Dickens; "A Christmas Carol"; Chris Doyle. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) And the Winner of the Inker Chris Doyle; Richard D'Oyly Carte; René Descartes; Sam-I-Am; Henry VIII; Queen Mary; Penelope Cruz; Penelope Pitstop; "Gasoline Alley"; Frank King; "Kid Charlemagne"; Steely Dan; Fagin; the Artful Dodger; Fritz Kreisler; John Ford; Liberty Valance; Gen. William Draper; Christo; Chris Doyle. (Brendan Beary; Great Mills) Chump Chains: Honorable Mentions Chris Doyle; New York; the Yankees; A-Rod; Rodney Dangerfield; Aretha Franklin; Cab Calloway; the Cotton Club; Andrew Card; Rahm Emanuel; Immanuel Kant; James Caan; Robert Duvall; Boo Radley; Alger Hiss . . . (Randy Lee, Burke) . . . Sen. Jim Webb; Spider-Man; Peter Parker; Sarah Jessica Parker; Mr. Big; William Hung; Simon Cowell; Neil Simon; "The Odd Couple"; Siegfried and Roy; the Detroit Tigers; Al Kaline; SALT; "A Farewell to Arms"; Venus de Milo . . . (Chris Doyle) Chris Doyle; Arthur Conan Doyle; Conan the Barbarian; Arnold Schwarzenegger; "The Terminator"; Dr. Kevorkian; Hunter S. Thompson; Las Vegas; Wayne Newton; Isaac Newton; Isaac Hayes; "Shaft"; John Holmes; "Sex and the City"; Manolo Blahnik; Willie Shoemaker; "Equus"; Catherine the Great; the Empress; Chris Doyle. (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) Chris Doyle; Roddy Doyle; Izaak Walton; Sam's Club; Alley Oop; Kirstie Alley; Ted Danson; "Dancing With the Stars"; "Stars and Stripes Forever"; O.J. Simpson . . . (Michael Schechtman and Karen Leichtnam; Silver Spring, First Offenders) . . . Marlon Brando; "Last Tango in Paris"; Land O'Lakes Butter; Lake Titicaca; George Carlin . . . (Roy Ashley, Washington) Chris Doyle; Doyle McManus; the Los Angeles Times; "Modern Times"; Charlie Chaplin; Father Mulcahy; "Mashed Potato Time"; Dee Dee Sharp; Cleopatra's Needle; Elias Howe; Isaac Bashevis Singer; "King of the Fields"; Irving Fields Trio; "My Yiddishe Mama"; Sophie Tucker; Forrest Tucker; Nottingham Forest; Robin Hood; Chris O'Donnell; Chris Doyle. (Ed Petrick, Arlington, a First Offender) . . . Joe the Plumber; Gayle "Obama Is an Arab" Quinnell; the Mighty Quinn; Manfred Mann; Grizzly Man; Brendan Beary; Chris Doyle. (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) Chris Doyle; Texas; Paris; Musée d'Orsay; Tommy Dorsey; Frank Sinatra; Capitol Records; Nelson Riddle; Lord Nelson; Lady Hamilton; Hamilton Burger; Perry Mason; Perry Como; Lake Como; Rome; the Vatican; the Pope; Jesus Christ; God; Chris Doyle. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) . . . Tiny Tim; Jacob Marley; Bob Marley and the Wailers; Greenpeace; "Green Acres"; the Hooterville World Guardian; The Washington Post; Chris Doyle. (Russell Beland) Chris Doyle; Dietz & Watson; Ball Park Franks; Nancy Sinatra; "Puss in Boots"; Pussy Galore; M; Ray Kroc; Steve Irwin; Steve McQueen; Freddie Mercury; Interplanet Janet; "Rufus Xavier Sasparilla"; Coke; Colombia; Argentina; Madonna; Jesus; Kriss Kringle; Chris Doyle. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Chris Doyle; Popeye Doyle; "Sailor Moon"; the Who; Woodsy Owl; Smokey Bear; Jackson Weaver; "Tapestry"; Carole King; Charles Dickens; Harry Reems; Mark Felt; The Washington Post; the New York Post; "Ragtime" . . . (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) . . . Red Bull, Ferdinand, Munro Leaf, Marilyn Monroe, Andy Warhol, Campbell Soup, Bowl America, Amerigo Vespucci, Meriwether Lewis, Clark Kent, Chris Doyle. (Nancy Israel, Bethesda) Chris Doyle; Ponder, Tex.; the Brain; Mickey Mouse; Mickey Rourke; "The Wrestler"; Vince McMahon; Ed McMahon; Jack Nicholson; Chinatown; Roman Polanski; Julius Caesar; Cassius; Muhammad Ali; Evander Holyfield; Vincent van Gogh; "The Potato Eaters"; Ireland; Limerick; Chris Doyle. (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Next Week: Clue Us In, or Hot Cross Puns ====================================================================== WEEK 796, published December 20, 2008 Week 796: Sincerest Flattery Pink Freud -- Rock-group therapist: "Sometimes a guitar is only a guitar." (Chris Doyle, Jan. 3, 2000) WWW.B.YEATS -- "I will arise and go now, and log on to Innisfree." (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Jan. 3, 2000) As part of our recent series of tributes to (a.k.a. thefts from) the late New York Magazine Competition, we offer up another shot at one of its final installments, from 2000. It was suggested to us by 94-time Loser John O'Byrne of Dublin, who by pure coincidence happened to get ink in that particular contest, along with fellow NYM alum Chris Doyle. This week: Make a pun on a familiar name of a real or fictional person and provide a fitting description or quote, as in the New York Magazine examples above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a three-piece beautification set, once again from our anonymous donor in Oman: It consists of Hip Up Cream (with before-and-after photos of a saggy butt), Pink Nipple Beauty Cream and Touch Me Please Breast Enlarging Soap. The directions are in Thai. (The soap may require implantation for effectiveness.) Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 29. Put "Week 796" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by John O'Byrne. Report From Week 792, our third annual desecration of a crossword puzzle created by Eternal Good Sport Paula Gamache, who even helped choose the winner and Losers among the clues that replaced her own. Once again, we chose the funniest entries rather than insisting on one per word, so we have two or more clues for some words and skip others entirely. A few clues require some mental gymnastics; if one isn't immediately clear, try pronouncing the letters another way. For instance, AMMO is "morning routine." As in your A.M. MO. See? Go have some more coffee. We'll wait. ACROSS 1. BABA: Swedish band after its breakup (Barry Haldiman, Lenexa, Kan., a First Offender) 5. OPEDS: Snakes, worms, fish, etc. (many entries) 10. ABED: Gave a penny tip (Michael Baker, Columbia) The winner of the Inker: ABED: Where men lie most (Judith Cottrill, New York) 14. ODED: Deceased Irishman (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) ODED: How Keats urned a living (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) 15. NOLIE: The practice by Washington, but not IN Washington (Larry Yungk, Arlington) 16. MONO: Yoko's French father (Barry Haldiman) 18. ALEXA: A-Rod after Madonna is done with him (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station; Jon Graft, Centreville) 19. MRES: Where General Mills might see some military action (Steve Becker, Berwyn, Pa., a First Offender) MRES: Phonetic whodunits (Vic Fleming, Little Rock; Frank Parente, Falls Church, a First Offender) MRES: El Salvador bodybuilding championship (Bruce Alter) 20. COLORDIVISION: Something legal only in a laundry room (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) 23. SCENEI: When the black guy dies (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) 28. DEBT: She's 20th in line at the cotillion (Bob Klahn, Wilmington, Del., a First Offender) DEBT: Chit happens (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 31. NOOGIE: Skullmuggery (Chris Doyle) 33. DISTRESSCRACK: "I have split ends," in Brooklyn (Barry Haldiman) DISTRESSCRACK: Thong chafe (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) 36. BRED: Hemingway diary entry (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Md.) 40. DELIVERYDIVAN: Casting couch, nine months later (Craig Dykstra, Centreville; Michael Kilby, Wildau, Germany, both First Offenders) DELIVERYDIVAN: Davenportage (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 47. MFA: Rahm Emanuel's grade in debate class (Ira Allen, Bethesda) MFA: Oedipus's 12-step group (Jeff Brechlin; Tom Bruner, Sterling, a First Offender) 48. UAR: Texting retort: "I no __ but wot m i? (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) 55. DISPELLING BEE: A buzz-killer (Tom Witte; Steve Becker) 62. IOWA: Sioux for "Huckabee's 15 minutes" (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) IOWA: Seattle suburb named for a moon of Jupiter (Christopher Lamora) IOWA: Why I hate to play poker with Vanna White (Steven Alan Honley, Washington) 65. VEAL: A minor beef (Pete Kaplan, Charlotte, N.C.; Russell Beland, Fairfax) 66. ANNA: Number between 1 and 2 -- L. Welk, Heaven (Jay Shuck) ANNA: Santa for naughty Texans (Yoyo Zhou, San Francisco) 67. DONHO: Cry heard at the Godfather Hunt (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Third runner-up: DONHO: Put a model train on your head (Barry Haldiman) 68. ESTS: What D.C. and the Boss both have (Tom Glynn, Falls Church) DOWN 1. BOSCS: Politically correct way of commenting on a "nice pair" (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Bird Waring) 2. ADHOC: What a good transcriber does when someone spits (G. Smith, New York) 3. BEALE: Drunk's fervent wish upon finding a flask of yellowish liquid in the gutter (Jennifer Rubio, Oakton) 6. POLI: The most irritating kind of tics (Yoyo Zhou) Second runner-up: POLI: Old man's grip (Steve Becker) 7. ELEV: Knievel after a crash (Barry Haldiman) 9. SEASONS: Roe (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) 10. AMMO: Morning routine (George Vary, Bethesda) AMMO: Tough love (Bird Waring) 13. DOS: Outnumbered in the Ten Commandments (Judith Cottrill) 21. REDS: McCain didn't take enough of them (Hugh Pullen, Vienna) 27. PEKE: What Chaucer would sneke (Patrick Smith, Baltimore, a First Offender) 29. BRER: Buffalo, compared with Miami (Beverley Sharp, Washington ) 30. TEVYE: Zero with five (Steve Becker) 32. ORCA: Extra in a Tolkien scene (Danny Bravman, St. Louis) ORCA: First words of a Christmas carol about a Victrola (Christopher Lamora; Russ Taylor, Vienna) 33. DELTADAWN: The 11th hour on the runway (Jon Graft) 34. IDIO: W minus T (Dean Evangelista, Rockville) 41. VOUS: Another round of Seagram's, garçon! (Kevin Dopart; Patrick Merrell, Mount Vernon, N.Y., a First Offender) 42. ELAPSED: Cockney obit (Ken Kaufman, Derwood) 43. ISAIDSO: "Come again? What follows fa?" (Patrick Merrell; LuAnn Bishop, West Haven, Conn.) 44. VENN: Russian debt collector's succinct greeting (John O'Byrne, Dublin) 49. RETRO: Something in polyester that costs more than $50 (Barbara Turner) 53: NEWAT: Buddhist temple in suburban Angkor. (Christopher Lamora) NEWAT: Redesigned @ (Patrick Merrell; John O'Byrne) 56. IDEA: Cause for cerebration. (Chris Doyle) 57. LOIN: What youse do at Brooklyn Tech (many entries) LOIN: The Earl of Worcestershire, Sir _____ (Steve Becker) 58: LOCH: One slice of smoked salmon (Michael Baker; Todd Carton, Wheaton) First runner-up, winner of the horrible tabletop Santa thing: LOCH: Goes with a quay (Jon Dixon, North Chelmsford, Mass., a First Offender) 59. CHA: You, to Sarah Palin (Patrick Merrell; Leonard Williams, Fort Wayne, Ind., a First Offender) CHA: What they teach at half-price day at Arthur Murray (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Next Week: Take the Fifth, or For Repeat's Sake ====================================================================== WEEK 797, published December 27, 2008 Week 797: Be Resolute! Rod Blagojevic: Whisper! Sure, you can go ahead and make your New Year's resolutions and then feel like a failure for 342 days or so. You deserve it! But why not spare yourself the guilt and make someone else's resolutions instead? This week: Make a humorous resolution for some particular person or institution to accomplish next year. This contest was suggested by Superloser Russell Beland, who resolves each year that the Empress will learn how to judge a humor contest. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets this fabulous tabletop wine bottle holder in the shape of a flamingo, donated by not-yet-a-Loser Patty Hardee of Flint Hill, Va. You put the bottle of wine between the flamingo's legs as he/she sprawls on the table, perhaps from sampling your vino. It's one of the few cases in which someone looks more decorous when clutching a wine bottle between his legs. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 5. Put "Week 797" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Drew Bennett. Report From Week 793, in which we marked the Empress's fifth anniversary of Empressing by inviting readers to enter any of the 65 previous contests, but the answers had to relate somehow to the number 5, or to the traditional fifth-anniversary gifts of silverware or wood. 4. Week 742, crossword puzzle clues: RUNON: Now that it's Nov. 5, Mr. Nader, what will you do now? (John O'Byrne, Dublin) 3.Week 767, a question that a sentence in The Post might answer: A. "Well, this is our last year here," Mrs. Bush, wearing a red Oscar de la Renta wool suit and pearl earrings, told reporters. Q. "Do you really think it's okay for your husband to steal all that silverware from the White House?" (Roy Ashley, Washington) 2. Week 756, a subhead for a Post headline: Four Armed Men Rob Pr. George's Bank, Police Say Getaway Driver Said to Have Five Arms, but One Was in Sling (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) And the Winner of the Inker Week 726, a limerick featuring a word beginning with Cl- to Co-: In seeking an honorable mention, An old Roman's CLEVER invention Failed to survive Among the top V, DeflVIIIing his hope IV aXtion.(Rob Cohen, Potomac) Wooden Nickels: Honorable Mentions Week 726: Way back in the Civil War days 'Twas decreed, and accepted with praise: On the nickel we must Feature "In God We Trust"; And that's what's called coining a phrase. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Week 728, a word containing the letter group S-A-T-R in any order: Sextras: Actors at the end of the credits of a porn flick, like "Swinger #5." (John Bunyan, Cincinnati) Week 729, a passage from The Post translated into "plain English": Original: Medical and surgical residents in hospitals should work no more than 16 hours without taking a mandatory five-hour sleep break, and they should get one full day off a week and at least two back-to-back days off a month, a panel of experts at the Institute of Medicine recommended yesterday. Plain English: Hospitals can work residents 138 hours per week all year. Now about your appendix . . . (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Week 734, rhyming couplets containing words that are anagrams of each other: With REGARD to Ms. Palin, we watched her and weighed her, And found her no smarter than any fifth-GRADER. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Week 736, questions for the Car Talk guys or Miss Manners: I drive a large truck and I'm looking to increase my gas mileage by at least 5 mpg. Would it help if I had my wife tow it with her Prius? (Hugh Pullen, Vienna) Week 739, untrue "facts" about political figures: The freckles on Hillary Clinton's thigh form a perfect pentagram. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Week 746, a motto for a country: North Korea: Will the last person to leave please switch off the lights? Ha ha, only joking. We don't let people leave, and anyway, we haven't had electric lights for five decades now. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Somalia: First in the Fifth World (Kevin Dopart) Week 751, a play on the name of an existing or former TV show: The Five Wives of Henry VIII: A PBS documentary that had to be cut back because "viewers like you" didn't contribute enough. (Russell Beland) Week 759, the "foal" resulting from two actual horse names: Etched + Big Truck = Knife the Mack (Kevin Dopart) Close to the Vest + He's Sum Charmer = Five Card Stud (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney; Laurel Gainor, Great Falls) Week 762, combining two words from dictionary page headings: Maple-manual: Pronouncing "about" as "aboat" and other tips on acting Canadian. (Kevin Dopart) Week 763, The "foal" resulting from two winning horse names from Week 759: Hamburger Hamlet + $0$ = Washing Silverware (Roy Ashley) Torah!Torah!Torah! + $0$ = FiveBucksOfMoses (Harvey Smith, McLean) Week 764, Chuck Norris jokes: Where does a five-hundred-pound gorilla sleep? Wherever Chuck Norris knocked him out. (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) At Chuck Norris's restaurant, the only thing on the menu is a five-knuckle sandwich. (Hugh Pullen) Week 768, fictitious movie trivia: Woody Harrelson can jump. He just can't hop or skip. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Week 769, portmanteau words: Sequintuplets: The winning entry at last year's Twins and More Junior Pageant. (Rob Pivarnik, Stratford, Conn.) Week 772, literature translated for "Los Angeles residents under 40": Matthew 25:1-2: Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto town virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. Under-40 version: No, no, no, no, no. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. (Chris Doyle) Week 774, new restaurant dishes: The John Cage Special: Place silverware and an empty plate in front of the diner; leave him for 4 1/2 minutes; give him the check. (Roy Ashley) Week 780, how you know you're in a particular place: You know you're in Detroit's Ford Field when someone calls out "nickel defense" and you realize someone's putting in an offer to buy half the team. (Kevin Dopart) Week 781, change a word beginning with I through L by one letter: Lumberjock: A male porn star. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Week 784, proverbs for 21st-century life: If you want to succeed as a panhandler, don't ask people to "give me five." (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Week 787, a word containing M-I-N-E in any order: Pinemagnet: A bench warmer. (Tom Witte) Next Week: Ripped Off From the Headlines, or Onion Ringers ====================================================================== WEEK 798, published January 3, 2009 Week 798: Dead Letters There ought to be a federal law Against the death of Sammy Baugh. The greatest Redskin that we knew Was also D.C. through and through. Though not a pol, he passed the test: For he could sling it with the best. It's our yearly contest they've been dying to do: This week: Write a humorous poem commemorating someone who died in 2008, as in the paean above, contributed as his is wont by Gene N. Weingarten of Washington. Lists of "deaths 2008" and the like abound online. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, in yet another purging from the household of Patty Hardee of Flint Hill, Va., a square white plastic tissue box whose front side is the back of a diorama of a bathroom, including toilet, sink, mirror, hair dryer, electric shaver and mouthwash. But this is no ordinary bathroom-diorama tissue box! On this one, each little item has a little red button that, when pushed, makes the appropriate annoying noise. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 12. Put "Week 798" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 31. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Russell Beland; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Michael Turniansky. Report from Week 794, in which we asked for headlines a la those in the satirical newspaper the Onion: 4. Image of Tortilla Mysteriously Appears on Statue of Virgin Mary (M.C. Dornan, Scottsdale, Ariz.) 3. Palin Is Prime Cause of 3rd-Quarter Drop in U.S. Jaws, Analysts Say (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) 2. the winner of the Che Guevara doll and "Nixon Now" campaign button: 'Liberal Elitist Press' Condemned by Ignorant Lowlife Redneck Hatemongers (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) And the Winner of the Inker In Final Trip to Beijing, Bush Calls on Premier to 'Tear Down This Wall' (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Onion Dips: Honorable Mentions Shoelace Collection Instantly Loses All Value When Only Other Collector Dies (Eric Murphy, McLean) Rival Time Machine Makers Racing Back to Secure Earliest Patent (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Comedians Seek Bailout Until White Guy Elected President Again (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Sun Discovered to Have Earthlike Planet (Hugh Pullen, Vienna) 'Gave 110%' Passed Over Again by Cliche Hall of Fame (Art Grinath) Huge Breakthrough in Stem Cell Research That You Wouldn't Understand (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Carlin Discovers Words You Can't Say in Heaven (Art Grinath) Zimbabwe Prez Offers Blagojevich Asylum: 'He Already Knows How to Bleep the Bleeping People,' Mugabe Says (Cheryl Davis, Arlington) Citing Need for Haste, Obama to Complete First Hundred Days in Six Weeks (Russell Beland) NAACP Updates Goal to 'Advancement of Negro People' (Russell Beland) Washington Post Drops Print Edition in Favor of Weekly Text Message (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) McMansion Demolished to Make Room for Three McHovels (Mia Kim, Potomac, a First Offender) Area Model Will Just Have Water for Now, Thanks (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) Man Who Edged Woman for Chief Exec Post Hires Her as Secretary (Lee Dobbins, Arlington) Striving for Change, Ford Introduces Hybrid Edsel (Bill Gee, Hunt Valley, Md.) Steve Doocy's Upper Lip Missing (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Patrick Fitzgerald Investigates Allegations He's Too Good to Be True (Greg Sanders, Silver Spring) Defeat of Prop 8 Somehow Fails to Save Troubled Marriage (Greg Sanders) Mom's Forecast of Dishes Not Doing Themselves Proves Accurate (Marc Naimark, Paris) Euro Disney Unveils Animatronic Hall of Inbred, Syphilitic Monarchs and Fascist Dictators (Charlie Wood, Falls Church) Photo of Jesus Might Be a Hoax, Expert Claims (Charley Owens, La Plata) Newspaper Industry Stakes Future on Monthly Obama Commemorative Editions (Eric Murphy) 'It's Not Like I Killed Somebody!' Simpson Complains of Sentence (John Folse, Bryans Road) Obama Beats Up Chuck Norris (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) 'Please Don't Hate Me Because I'm a Cat Person,' Michael Vick Pleads at Parole Hearing (David Garratt, Glenn Dale) Poultry Sales Again Show Unexplained November Spike (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Terrorist Group Protests Being Described as 'Activists' (Marc Naimark) Blogger Believes Government Covering Something Up (Mike Hammer) Warner Bros. Greenlights 'Saw 6: A Special Musical Christmas' (Philip Strub, McLean, a First Offender) Woman Hospitalized After Son's Careless Sidewalk-Crack Stepping (Mike Hammer) Mother Wants Store-Bought Gift for Once, Hides Craft Supplies (Jean Bonner, Chantilly, a First Offender) Copy Editors Layed Off; Newsroom Operations Not Effected (Jeffrey Contompasis) Global Markets Soar on News That 'All the Money Has Been Found' (Pete Kaplan, Charlotte) Local Prison Doctor Delivers Lethal Injections With a Dose of Humor (Malcolm Fleschner) Boy Didn't Really Stay Up All Night at Sleepover, Friends Say (Jean Sorensen) Art World Reassessing Monet, Renoir After Scientists Prove 19th Century Actually Was Slightly Blurry (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) 'You Can Achieve Anything You Set Your Mind To,' World's Second-Fastest Man Tells Kids (Dan Dunn, Bethel, Conn.) $tuuud P*illz Givs You Mega Stik, Study Finds (Michael Gips, Bethesda) Study Finds 70 Percent of Teens Don't Consider 'Intercourse' Sex (Mike Hammer) Next Week: Stimulate Us, or Raising Keynes ====================================================================== WEEK 799, published January 10, 2009 Week 799: Send Us the Bill The Schock-Warner Act to mandate beach alarms to announce the approach of flabby guys in Speedos. The new members of Congress were sworn in this week -- there are a whopping 68 of them if you count House members who became senators, and if you count Al Franken and Roland Burris, which we will even if their would-be colleagues aren't ready to. And as we do in honor of each new session, we want to give them something to work on. This week: Come up with legislation that, given their names, two or more freshman senators and representatives might sponsor together, as in the example illustrated above (the list is below). Each bill must have at least two sponsors. Among similar ideas -- we're inevitably going to get lots of duplication this week -- the ink will go to the best explanation of the bill. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a genuine Goldwater '64 bumper sticker -- it's scaled to the size of the typical mid-'60s sedan and only a bit torn -- donated by 80-time Loser Beverley Sharp, AND a 1984 Mondale-Ferraro bumper sticker coughed up by 83-timer Andrew Hoenig. This pair may well be the most suitable Loser prize ever -- by a landslide. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 19 (sorry, people who do the Invite at the office, we can't wait all the way to Wednesday). Put "Week 799" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Stephen Dudzik; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Larry Yungk. Report from Week 795, In which we asked for some shovel-ready suggestions on what the government should be spending our money on in an effort to stimulate the economy. Many people thought it might buy a Senate seat from the governor of Illinois. UberLoser Russell Beland, who relaxes by being an economist during his time off from writing Style Invitational entries, notes that John Maynard Keynes suggested that the government hire teams to bury bottles of bank notes in mineshafts and let the private sector employ people to find them, while Milton Friedman imagined that a government could drop money from helicopters directly to the public. 4. Build a video game room at the Capitol Visitor Center so that school-age kids have something to do while their parents are touring. (David and Wendy Epstein, Potomac, First Offenders) 3. Encourage people to spend money faster by printing it with disappearing ink. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) 2. the winner of the Official Bush Countdown Clock, useful for the next 10 days: Since pro ball players make great salaries, let's build a major league stadium in every town. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the Winner of the Inker Erect a picket fence along the whole U.S.-Canada border, so we have something to lean on while we chat about the weather. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Inappropriations: Honorable Mentions Forget the cardboard cutouts in front of the White House. Have the real Barack Obama pose for pictures with tourists -- a hundred bucks a pop. (Michael Gips, Bethesda) Build the Backside of Mount Rushmore Memorial, with the corresponding views of Pierce, Buchanan, Harding and Dubya. (Kevin Dopart) Have the Treasury secretary put it all on Red. If he wins, repeat. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) We could help both the airlines and the innkeeper industry by requiring all citizens to go to their home towns for the 2010 census. (Jon Graft, Centreville) Decrease threats to U.S. security by financing anger management classes for terrorists. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Provide airline tickets to India for people who can apply for the jobs they lost here. (Michael Mason, Fairfax) Replace all Metro down-escalators with airplane emergency slides, because it'd be cool to try those things out if there weren't a plane on fire or anything. (Tod Hale, Fredericksburg) Paint the land with thick dotted lines and gigantic stars so it looks like a map from a plane. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Extend FDIC insurance to Ponzi schemes. (Martin Bancroft) Install phone booths on each corner. Some of us need a ready place to talk on our cellphones without every jerk on the street listening in. (Kevin Dopart) Don't give $17 billion to the automakers. Instead, buy a half-million of the biggest beasts the Big Three make and hand them out to people who have lost their homes to foreclosure. The automakers get the cash, the autoworkers get jobs, and the homeless get a place to live. (Fil Feit, Annandale) It supposedly helps the economy for the government to pay farmers not to grow crops, so let's pay people not to work at all. Hey, it works at the DMV. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Adapt the Statue of Liberty's torch to shine the color of the current national security threat level. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Help GM by buying a national fleet of meter maid Hummers. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Enhance our morning commute by placing entertaining Burma-Shave-type signs at intervals along Massachusetts Avenue, e.g.: You're late to work; This traffic sucks! Your reps can't vote: Just send your bucks. -The U.S. Congress. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Replace half the lanes on the Beltway with grass. This will increase green space and reduce carbon emissions, yet have no impact on traffic. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Upgrade the Pentagon to a hexagon. (Kevin Welber, Bethesda, a First Offender) Start a massive advertising campaign encouraging citizens to participate in Leave Your Refrigerator Open for 24 Hours Day, to help counter global warming. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale) Build an adults-only annex to the Library of Congress. (David Garratt) Build a Bridge to a Future Somewhere. (Christina Courtney, Ocean City) Complete Interstate 10A to Hawaii. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn; Jon Graft) Next Week: Sincerest Flattery, or Moanikers ====================================================================== WEEK 800, published January 17, 2009 Week 800: Compairisons Musical chairs: Kindergarten game. Mucusal chairs: Kindergarten furniture. United States: 2009 Untied States: 1861-65 While you'd think that in the previous 799 weeks the Invitational has put forth every possible form of pun contest, here's one that -- in its form, anyway -- might be at least a wee bit different from anything we've done before. This week: Briefly define or sum up an existing word or short phrase, then change it very slightly and do the same with the result, as in the examples above. Imperious though she is, the Empress also wouldn't turn away a three-part entry, with two changes, if the definitions fit together in some amazing way. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a curiosity called "The Raspberry Ice Cream War," a fascinating comic book sent to us years ago by John O'Byrne of Dublin. Published by the European Commission in 1998 in 14 languages (this one, alas, is in English), it's a time-travel fable that explains to tykes the economic importance of a Europe without trade barriers. Oooh, we hope they're convinced! Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 26. Put "Week 800" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested in a tougher form by Christopher Lamora of Arlington. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 796, in which we basically gave you free rein to make groaner plays off people's names. Everyone came up with "Condoleaser Rice: Foggy Bottom rental agent," and everyone plus numerous others submitted a "Bernie Made-Off." The contest did specify that the pun had to be on the name of a particular real or fictitious person; that ruled out some hilariously inspired names of rock groups, Web sites, businesses, etc. Hold on to those, Losers; we'll do this contest again. 5. Darth Evader: "Luke . . . er . . . about your father . . ." (LuAnn Bishop, West Haven, Conn.) 4. Shah Kilo Neal: 7-foot-2 Iranian drug mule. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3. John James Autobahn: He specializes in painting highway roadkill. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 2. the winner of the dubious beauty creams from Oman: Antonym Scalia: Earl Warren. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) And the Winner of the Inker Louie Louie XVI: "Oh, oh -- me head gotta roll!" (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Nymrods: Honorable Mentions Greta Garble: Actress whose most famous utterance was "I vant to be algrxpt." (Karen Albamonti, North Kingstown, R.I., a First Offender) Cliche Guevara: Someone who walks around in a beret and fatigues. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Homer Khayyam: "A pizza, a Duff and Marge -- mmmmm." (Vic Krysko, Suratthani, Thailand, a First Offender) Tapper John, M.D.: Larry Craig's proctologist. (Chris Doyle) Bloody Holly: opening act for Carrie's prom. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Dung Shopping: The guy responsible for most crappy imports from China. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) George Bailout: The real rescuer of Bedford Falls Building & Loan. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Thomas Jefferson Airplane: "I own somebody to love." (Kevin Dopart) Frederic Show-Pan: His concert got dreadful reviews. (Brendan Beary) John Wayne Hobbit: A manlike creature, but very short. (Michael Fransella, Arlington) Olivia Newton John Locke: Philosopher-singer famous for "Let's Get Metaphysical." (Chris Doyle) Polyester Mather: A minister who appealed to the common, practical man; he died at 97 with nary a wrinkle. (Mae Scanlan) Auntie M: "For many years now, Elvira Gulch, I've secretly wanted to coat your bicycle handlebars with an odorless, colorless, but quite deadly toxin I mix up in my butter churn." (Christopher Lamora) Immodest Moussorgsky: Everyone's talking about the pictures at his exhibition. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Snarl Sandburg: "The fog comes on bleepin' cat feet." (Kevin Dopart) Warren Buffeted: Now he's only ludicrously rich. (Jack Held, Fairfax) Chairman Ow: The Marquis de Sade. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Ennui Ford: Inventor of the Model Eh. "Quality is Job Five-ish." (Jon Graft, Centreville) Chef and Dough Bridges: Stars of "The Fabulous Boy Bakers." (Chris Doyle) Laura Ingalls Wildest: Author of "Best Little Whorehouse on the Prairie." (Lennie Magida, Potomac) Julius Sneezer: "Achoo, Brute?" (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Halle BlackBerry: "omg i won oscar!!! but ick adrien brody kist me! y cudnt itv ben adam brody he so cute" (Chad Pridgen, Marshall, Va.) Keith Burban: A country singer who is definitely not going to rehab. (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) LeCher: Drag queen popular with dirty old Frenchmen. (Kevin Dopart) Samuel Clemency: Author of "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Courtroom." (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) Michael Shirtoff: DHS official in charge of strip-searches. (Chris Doyle) Roy Scheiderfreude: "I think this boat is EXACTLY the right size for you to go shark-hunting in." (Christopher Lamora) Booger T. Washington: Class clown at the Tuskegee Institute. (Chris Doyle) Martha Stew Art: Portraits created entirely from boeuf bourguignon and coq au vin. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale) Halle Beary: Hey, I can dream, can't I? (Brendan Beary) Keira Nightly: Hey, I can dream some more, can't I? (Brendan Beary) Nikita Cruisechef: Volga boatman and galley cook. (Chris Doyle) A-Rod Blagojevich -- Former Cubs slugger once offered to Washington for a Senator to be named later. (Gary A. Clements, Bethesda, a First Offender) And Last: Dick Butkus: Just leave him alone. He's suffered enough. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) Next Week: Be Resolute! or Can I Buy Avowal? ====================================================================== WEEK 801, published January 24, 2009 Week 801: Ask Backwards · Because he is an idiot · Remote control rabbits · Orange but not purple · Why you should never say "bless you" · The best Washington Monument topper · A wasabi-and-jelly sandwich · Oops, that was a typo · The Post's upcoming new feature · Ferret booties · They forgot this Cabinet post · Aretha Franklin's swimsuit · Either Topeka or Yemen You are on "Jeopardy!" (Well, you are on Invitational Jeopardy.) Here are the answers, many of them supplied to us stream-of-consciousness-style within the space of 60 seconds by a feverish man we found rambling incoherently near Eastern Market. You supply one or more of the questions. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets this toy harmonica with gross plastic drippy-looking lips attached to it, donated by Jennifer Jones of Baltimore and modeled with distressing eagerness by 21-time Loser Marleen May of Rockville (Empress at a recent monthly Loser brunch: "Does anyone here want to look ridiculous and disgusting in a photo to be published in The Washington Post?" Marleen: "Oh, me, me!"). See http://www.gopherdrool.com if you are interested in dining with genuine Losers (don't wear your nicer sleeves). Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air freshener (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 2. Put "Week 801" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 797, in which we asked you to supply a New Year's resolution for any well-known personage: 4. Michael Jackson: Keep nose to the grindstone. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 3. Norm Coleman: Make 226 new friends. (Judith Cottrill, New York) 2. the winner of the flamingo wine bottle caddy: George W. Bush: Learn an English language. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) And the Winner of the Inker John Wilkes Booth: Turn over in grave. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Under Achievers: Honorable Mentions Michael Moore: Stop being so gentle and make a film that really sticks it to the president . . . oh, wait, damn. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Oprah Winfrey: Chew each turkey 32 times before devouring. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Joe Biden: Buy better-tasting footwear. (Brian Fox, Charlottesville) Miley Cyrus: Give Dad a raise. (Cy Gardner) The SEC: Start keeping an eye on that Madoff guy. (Judith Cottrill) O.J. Simpson: Find the real robbers. (Russell Beland; Jon Graft, Centreville) Phyllis Diller: Stay on the "Not Dead" celebrity list. (Jeff Brechlin) Roland Burris: Wear that asterisk with pride. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Regis Philbin: Stop being Regis Philbin. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) The Detroit Lions: Hire a few profs to teach courses, get accredited as a university, and join the Big Ten. Purdue may be beatable. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Hillary Clinton: Train myself to eliminate all traces of sarcasm when I say call my new boss "Sir." (Russell Beland) Joe Biden: Renovate basement dungeon in the new house. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothsay, Earl of Carrick, Baron Renfrew, Lord of the Isles and Grand Steward of Scotland: Talk to Mummy about my future. (Barnaby Roberts, Reedville, Va., a First Offender) Barack Obama: Get Hillary confirmed, then fire her. (Russell Beland) Mitt Romney: Change my hair every 3,000 miles. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Brett Favre: Consider retirement. Brett Favre: Reconsider retirement. Brett Favre: Consider retirement. Brett Favre: Reconsider retirement. (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) Plaxico Burress: Stop messing with the safety. (Drew Bennett, sent from Amarillo, Tex.) Osama bin Laden: Take time out to stop and smell the evil. (Lawrence McGuire) Sarah Palin: Move to Mongolia so I can see China from my house. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Pete Seeger: Finally go out and just get myself a hammer. (Russell Beland) Tina Fey: Start working on that Mike Huckabee impersonation. (Jeff Brechlin) Next Week: Dead Letters, or Bard Stiff ====================================================================== WEEK 802, published January 31, 2009 Week 802: DreckTV As (sometime between now and June) analog-TV watchers suddenly find their rabbit ears twitching to no avail, some of them might finally break down and sign up with one of America's most beloved utilities (as fire hydrants are beloved by dogs), cable television. Sometime Loser Marcy Alvo of Annandale notes that her system still lists some channels "reserved for future programming," so . . . This week: Suggest a new cable TV channel, with a description or example of its programming. Remember that space is limited in the leaner, meaner Washington Post, so please don't send the whole TV Guide. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a computer game called Tabloid Tycoon, donated by Peter Metrinko, in which you commit various acts of dubious journalism "to build your rag's sales." This is, we wish to make clear, not the official training software of the Washington Post circulation department. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 9. Put "Week 802" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 28. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Dudley Thompson of Cary, N.C.; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russell Beland; the Honorable Mention names on the Web supplement are by Tom Witte and Chris Doyle. Report from Week 798, our annual look back in verse at some of those who died last year. Not enough tasteless (and occasionally tasteful) eulogizing here? More Honorable Mentions can be found at http://www.washingtonpost.styleinvitational. 4. Earl Butz, agriculture secretary forced to resign over a crude racist joke: Awaiting Earl on his day to die: Tight lid, loose soil, warm place to lie. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 3. We bid farewell to Mildred Loving, interracial marrier, Who fought so that the words "I do" were free of any barrier. In later years she wore her fame with dignity and grace, For marriage is a journey, and not just a single race. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 2. the winner of the bathroom-diorama tissue box: Wham-O co-founder Richard Knerr: The Hula-Hoop, the SuperBall, The Frisbee disk, brought to us all by Richard Knerr: That brilliant goof Has landed on his final roof. (Jerry Ewing, Orlando) And the Winner of the Inker "I fear I am exanimate," Bill Buckley gravely said, "And now eremacausis is beginning in my head. "What's this? Vile putrefaction, loam and plinthite for my bed?" "It really is quite simple," said his Maker: "Bill, you're dead." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Be Not Proud: Honorable Mentions Popeye's founder Al Copeland: His spicy pullets were his pride, Cooked up at Popeye's Famous Fried. He made a killing, there's no doubt, But now, I fear, he's chickened out. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) James Bevel: Bevel was close when King parted the waters Sadly, he also was close to his daughters. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Bobby Fischer was to chess What Saint Laurent was to the dress: A luminous creative force. He soon become world champ, of course, Which made the Russians truly sick (Too bad he was a lunatic). (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) The millionaire'd vowed to balloon o'er the main, Despite the naysayers who'd scoff. But alas, the good luck didn't hold for his plane, And the gods had Steve Fossett turned off. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) William F. Buckley, as he surely would tell us With apt erudition, is pushing up Bellis. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) "We thought alike," says The Decider, " 'Cept Bill was slightly eruditer." (Jay Shuck) Adelir Antonio de Carli: O Father de Carli, your blessed journey's done: You tied your chair to a thousand balloons; You needed a thousand and one. (John Sholar, Silver Spring, a First Offender) Dock Ellis, who pitched a no-hitter after taking LSD: Pitched a "no-no" while on acid, Once high-strung, he's now quite placid, On his gravestone you will see, "Pitcher, Tripper: Ellis, D." (Dave Zarrow, Reston) W. Mark Felt: Mark Felt sure was hopin' The Post would break open The Watergate scandal real wide. And so he went Deep, To ensure that the CREEP Would get quality time spent inside. (Dave Zarrow) Mel Ferrer: Mel is dead and buried where He won't be coming up Ferrer. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Charlton Heston's stiff and cold; His time on Earth is done. I guess they finally got the chance To pry away his gun. (Anne Paris, Arlington) As charioteer he earned his due, And now he's making "Soylent II." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) I first saw sexy Bettie Page In '55, when 10 years old, And still today my hormones rage. I bet she's Heaven's centerfold! (Chris Doyle) For Bettie Page, the die is cast. Around the globe, men fly half-mast. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) Eartha Kitt, who died on Christmas Day: Reaper Baby, You took away our beloved Ms. Kitt -- that's it She's an angel, it's clear. Reaper Baby, Why'd ya hurry down on Christmas last year? (Vicki Zatarain, Washington) Maila Nurmi, a.k.a. Vampira: Hope you don't require a Weird chick like Vampira, For it now must be said She's no longer undead. (Karen Albamonti, North Kingstown, R.I.) House Peters Jr., actor in a famous commercial: We sure hate to say it (we know it will hurt), But eww, Mr. Clean . . . you're all covered with dirt. (Beverley Sharp) Elwin "Preacher" Roe: Preacher Roe, with spunk and spit, Could throw a fastball none could hit. His throws were legal to the letter; (Except they were a wee bit wetter). (Tom Murphy, Bowie) Before the days of Al Shaheen, Men's shirts weren't colored citrus green, Al popularized the Hawaiian shirt. In patterns that made a glass eye hurt, Elvis and Magnum thank that kid, As also does my Uncle Sid. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station) Heaven's going very well, But Alexander Solzhenitsyn Wants, and gets, a tour of Hell: It's Joseph Stalin's pit he spits in. (Chris Doyle) Sunny von Bülow: What a bummer to be Sunny: Life with Claus sure wasn't funny. If you fear a sugar coma, Check to see just who is home-a. (Jeff Brechlin) Donald Westlake, a.k.a. Richard Stark: Donald Westlake, Richard Stark, Their work was none too shoddy. Two writers died last year, but cops Have only found one body. (Brendan Beary) And Dead Last: The Peruvian Songbird sang legends of love; Now the Andean Nightingale sings from above. Shedding her birth name was wise. 'Cause "Adio- "s to Yma Sumac" scans better than "Adios to Zoila Augusta Emperatriz Chavarri del Castillo." (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Next Week: Send Us the Bill, or Greetings From Law-Law Land Passed Oeuvre, or Requiem Misses: More Honorable Mentions for Style Invitational Week 798 More poems about people who died in 2008: Earl Butz: Is your coffin too loose Or is it too tight? Well, if it's too warm, It might be just right. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Bo Diddley: Ellas McDaniel, né Ellas Bates (Bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp, bomp-bomp) Sure was one of them rockin' greats (Bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp, bomp-bomp). If you think that it just ain't so, (Bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp, bomp-bomp) Let's just say that you don't know Diddley. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) Now that Bo Diddley has joined the elect In that big lowdown blues band above, I can finally whisper, with all due respect, "It should've been 'Whom do you love?' " (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) George Carlin passed away last year A true and noted wit He laughed at our obscenities Can you believe that ____? He made a lot of people mad For being rather blunt With words like ____ and ____ and _____ And the ever-famous ____. The guys in suits all treated him Like a nasty old ___-______, But we all best remember him As a funny ______-______. (Alan Hochbaum, Atlanta) W. Mark Felt: You may well think the chance remote That one remembered as Deep Throat Could bring the White House to its knees, Submerged in wickedness and sleaze. And yet, Mark Felt (for it was he) Contrived in secret trinity With Woodward, Bernstein of The Post, To turn a president to toast. His family chose to tell us all Before he answered heaven's call. Did Nixon greet him, full of grace? No chance: Dick's in that other place. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Charlton Heston: He kissed an ape right on the lips And Cleopatra, too; He rowed on mighty fighting ships And fought ants in Peru. He sculpted David in the nude And parted the Red Sea; He once ate processed-human food And led a symphony. Yet for all the roles he was extolled, Chuck said his biggest thrill Was assuring guns stay uncontrolled To protect our right to kill. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale) William F. Buckley, as everyone knows Affected a plummy conservative pose. And gazed with but one point of view: down his nose. (Tom Murphy, Bowie) When he pitched for Chicago, young Geremi Gonzalez Brought heat that was utterly fright'ning. So the batters he fanned might be feeling some solace To hear he was struck dead by lightning. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) When I researched Heath Ledger on the World Wide Web, it Showed a lot of credits and one terrible debit. (Dave Zarrow) Bettie Page: The old skin mags of yesteryear all knew that sex appeal Embraced the yin and yang of what to show and to conceal. But something died as high tech spawned a porn proliferation; There's little on the net that's left to one's imagination. The sauciness and camp are gone; the ebb of taste is steady -- The mags and Web sites nowadays have got no Page like Bettie. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The curtain drops. The End. [Applause] It's Harold Pinter's final pause. (Chris Doyle) Yves Saint Laurent: The models will still have their shmattes to don, Some striking and some of them strange; The runways in Paris, the shows in Milan, That part isn't likely to change. But Saint Laurent's house has been mute and subdued, No rumors or gossip to hear; And folks in the trade say the taciturn mood Is due to Yves' dropping last year. (Brendan Beary) Cardiac surgeon Michael DeBakey: DeBakey proved he had some smarts: Healed 60,000 broken hearts. Let's plan a big-time accolade -- Perhaps a ticker tape parade? (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Cyd Charisse: Her dancing days on Earth are done, But someone waits for Cyd Charisse. With Fred Astaire, she'll have such fun She won't have time to rest in peace. (Chris Doyle) Sydney Pollack: He brought us Out of Africa and showed The Way We Were, The public sang his praises, and Oscar did concur. But now the odds on more awards aren't looking too propitious, For sadly, Sydney Pollack is directing with the fishes. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Roy Scheider: Played police chief Martin Brody; Shark attacked; remains were grody! Helped the village folk to cope; (Might be called the Great White hope). Now he's breathed his final breath: Swam into the Jaws of Death. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 803, published February 7, 2009 Week 803: The Pepys Show 11/16/1863, 12:30 a.m. Dear Diary: Just fourscore and seven hours from now I'll find myself engaged in a speech testing whether I can find something interesting to say about a cemetery. Thankfully, the world will little note what I say . . . I n addition to inflicting their humor on the world at large, a number of Style Invitational entrants (and assorted hangers-on) do the same privately on a Yahoo e-mail group called Losernet, in which they share their submissions after the Invite deadline each week, as well as engage in your typical online soul-baring, bickering and general flirtation. Recently, we hear, Chronic Loser Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn., noted that his family vacation cabin contains a journal containing several generations' worth of diary entries. This prompted an ad hoc Losernet competition to speculate on the entry for the random date of July 14, 1921 -- and it also prompted Losers Russell Beland and Anne Paris to suggest, independently, a contest idea to the Empress. This week: Write a humorous diary or journal entry for someone, famous or not, for any point in history, as in Russell's example above. Anything over 50 words had better be a classic. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives -- just in time to be too late for Valentine's Day -- a large heart-shaped can of Bittersweets conversation hearts "for the dumped," including such sentiments as "Return my CDs" and "Back 2 Kennel." Donated by Ed Gordon of Georgetown, Tex. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Feb. 17. Put "Week 803" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mention name is by Bruce W. Alter; the revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle. Report From Week 799, our biennial contest to fashion "joint legislation" from the names of the 68 new members of Congress. As always, thousands of bills were submitted, many of them pretty much the same: Among the most common were the Harper-Lee Act to make it a crime, as well as a sin, to kill a mockingbird, and lots of variations on Fleming-Coffman germ-spreading, not to mention Fudge-Cao to encourage the natural production of chocolate milk. For humor's sake, we were willing to bend actual pronunciation a bit: Cao, for instance, is really pronounced "Gao," but we're calling that close enough for you-know-what-kind-of work. On the other hand, Driehaus, pronounced Dree-haus, can't be "dry house," though it would work for "treehouse." (Literally dozens of entrants "solved" the dry-house problem simply by spelling the congressman's name Dreihaus.) And some pathetically hardworking Losers sent in names that matched the words they had in mind only in their thoroughly deluded brains (Cao-Nye for cojones? Begich for Belgium??). 4. The Hunter-Thompson Act to legalize everything. (Doug Pinkham, Oakton) 3.The Roe-Pingree-Lee-Risch Bill: The Democratic Party's economic recovery plan. -- S. Hannity (Dave Zarrow, Reston) 2. the winner of the genuine Goldwater '64 and Mondale/Ferraro '84 bumper stickers: The Schock-Roe-Lee-Polis Taser-Motivated Weight Loss Act. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the Winner of the Inker The Bright-Lee-Fleming-Massa-Cao-Fudge Bovine Biofuels Development Act. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Acts of Desperation: Honorable Mentions The Udall-Udall Act to forbid calling out to pretty women walking past construction sites. (Michael Kilby, Sandoval, Germany) The Schauer-Schock-Burris It Cold Act to standardize the temperature of hotel water heaters. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) The Peters-Warner bill to require men to provide their shoe sizes on online dating sites. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The McMahon-Cao Act to prohibit the addition of human flesh to fast-food burgers. (Jackie Dobranski, Washington, a First Offender) Begich-Schrader Airline Luggage Damage Compensation Act. (Dudley Thompson) The Nye-Teague-Lance Act prohibiting preteen boys from spying on slumber parties. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) The Begich-Teague-Schauer Resolution encouraging common-sense personal hygiene. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The Posey-Coffman bill to crack down on unlicensed hernia doctors. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) The Lance-Franken-Roe Act to combat unfortunate results of in vitro fertilization. (Eric Ries, Bethesda, a First Offender; Stephen Dudzik) The Coffman-Fleming Act: Just another piece of legislation that puts us deeper into hock. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) The Olson-Grayson Act to mandate that men over 40 still living at home with their parents need to move out. (Bruce Collins, Olney) The Schock-Udall Act to take Taser Barbie off the market. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) The Massa-Hunter Slave Revenge Act (J.J. Gertler, Alexandria) The Franken-Roe Act to keep the cost of a caviar dog in the Nationals Park skyboxes under the $25 lobbying limit. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) The Roe-Massa-Teague Wild Horse Free Range Act. (Dudley Thompson; Jon Graft, Centreville) The Schock-Johanns Act to make joy buzzers illegal. (Doug Pinkham) The Cao-Fudge Act, affirming that euphemisms are often preferable during House deliberations. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) The Markey-Peters Act requiring convicted sex offenders to have an ID tattooed in a relevant place. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly; Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) The Fleming-Fudge Fondue Safety Act. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) The Udall-Roe Act to reduce fuel expenditures for the Navy fleet. (Rob Cohen, Potomac) The Schauer-Hunter bill to fund less risky ventures for NOAA after hurricane season. (Rob Cohen) The Hunter-Begich Act to mandate training in the interdisciplinary field of gynecological dermatology. (Brian Cohen, Potomac) The Lance-Udall Act legalizing voodoo. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) The Massa-Kosmas-Hunter Resolution honoring Carl Sagan. (Mike Hammer, Arlington; Ira Allen, Bethesda) The Johanns-Hunter-Titus Emergency Security Legislation revising airport screening practices, including pat-down searches on hotties. (Gregory Bartolett, Dumfries) The Griffith-Rooney-Coffman Act recognizing the importance of the Andes. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) The Lance-Nye ban on running with scissors. (Mike Hammer) The Cassidy-Markey-Rooney Act to bail out the Italian restaurant industry. (Michael Fransella, Arlington) Next Week: Compairisons, or Pun Pals Translations of the 'Joint Legislation' for Style Invitational Week 799 Friday, February 6, 2009; 11:51 AM The Roe-Pingree-Lee-Risch Bill: The Democratic Party's economic recovery plan. [Roping Really Rich] The Schock-Roe-Lee-Polis Taser-Motivated Weight Loss Act. [Shock Roly-Polies] The Bright-Lee-Fleming-Massa-Cao-Fudge Bovine Biofuels Development Act. [Brightly Flaming Mass o' Cow Fudge] The Begich-Schrader Airline Luggage Damage Compensation Act. [Baggage Shredder] The Nye-Teague-Lance Act prohibiting pre-teen boys from spying on slumber parties. [Nightie Glance] The Begich-Teague-Schauer Resolution encouraging common-sense personal hygiene. [Big Itch, Take Shower] The Roe-Massa-Teague Wild Horse Free Range Act. [Roam Assateague] The Udall-Roe Act to reduce fuel expenditures for the Navy fleet. [You'd All Row] The Hunter-Begich Act to mandate training in the interdisciplinary field of gynecological dermatology. [Hunt Her Big Itch] The Griffith-Rooney-Coffman Act recognizing the importance of the Andes. [As in Andy Griffith, Andy Rooney and Andy Kaufman] The Lance-Nye ban on running with scissors. [Lance an Eye] The Cassidy-Markey-Rooney Act to bail out the Italian restaurant industry. [Casa de "Marcarooni"] Next Week: Compairisons, or Pun Pals ====================================================================== WEEK 804, published February 14, 2009 Week 804: Our Type o' Joke Senators in Both Parties Call For Big Guts in Stimulus Bill Fast-Food Tax Credit Proposed: 'Snarf a Whopper, Heal the Economy' Here's a contest that the Empress was going to run years ago but forgot about until a few weeks back, when the Royal Consort, Mr. Empress himself, suggested it. Noting a recent headline on CQ.com, "Boehner Decries Party Radios on Two Powerful House Panels" (perhaps the spell-checker didn't like "ratios"), Mr. E figured that Invitational readers shouldn't wait around for amusing headline typos to show up when they can just write them themselves. This week: Change a headline by one letter, or switch two letters, in a headline (or most of a headline) appearing on an article or ad in The Washington Post or on washingtonpost.com between Feb. 14 and 23, and elaborate on it in a "bank" headline (subhead) or a brief first sentence of an article that would run under it. (The example above plays on one from the front page of the Feb. 6 Post.) We'll probably prefer entries in which it's obvious what the original word was. For washingtonpost.com headlines, please copy the originals onto your e-mail. Note to Obsessive Losers: We are offering you 10 whole days' worth of headlines for your convenience, not your punishment -- don't gripe to us that mean old Empress forced you to scrutinize every one of them. Anyway, we like you to read our fine newspaper. Heck, someone ought to. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a plain brown book titled "Boring Postcards USA," an artistically presented collection of 1950s-'70s postcards with which a tourist would document his visit to, say, "the Portland-Columbia Toll Bridge Plaza on Route 611." Donated by the not-all-that-boring Kevin Dopart of Washington. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 23. Put "Week 804" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mention name is by Wayne Rodgers; the revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 800, in which we asked you to pair two similar words or terms (one of them could be coined) and define them: 4. Google: Search for online information. Go ogle: Search for online porn. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3. Centaur: Human with a horse's body. Senator: Human who is a part of a horse's body. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) 2. the winner of the didactic European Commission comic book "The Raspberry Ice Cream War": Amnesia: When you can't remember your name. Ma'amnesia: When you can't remember the name of the woman you woke up next to. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And the Winner of the Inker DUI: Causes alcohol-related accidents. IUD: Prevents alcohol-related "accidents." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) In Pairgatory: Honorable Mentions Tarp: Weather protection. TARP: Whatever protection. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) Tort reform: Affects liability. Tart reform: Affects layability. (Tom Witte) Illegible mail: Can't be read. Eligible male: Can't be dead. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Deference: Showing proper respect to your 80-year-old grandpa. Deaference: I said, "SHOWING PROPER RESPECT . . ." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Conservation of mass: A universal observable law of physics espoused by all. Conversation of mass: A universal law that you shall not observe physical changes in your spouse. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Average White Band: Rock group, 1975. Overage White Band: Rocker group, 2009. (Chris Doyle) Yes, We Can!: U.S. slogan. Yes, We Cane!: Singapore slogan. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Carve: What you do when you have a hot turkey. Crave: What you do when you go cold turkey. (Beverley Sharp) Nickname: Sweet Cheeks. Ickname: Sweat Cheeks. (Kevin Dopart) Parasailing: Flying on a wing and a prayer. Sarah-paling: Flying on a wink and a prayer. (Peter A. Siegwald, Arlington, a First Offender) Porch Swing: A nice, quiet way to relax with your wife. Porsche Swing: What some guys go for to prove they're not ready for the former. (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.) Brackish: Briny. Barackish: Brainy. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale) Verrazano Narrows: A unique bridge from Staten Island to Brooklyn. Verizon Narrows: Every freakin' underpass anywhere I'm shhhhhh trying to kkkkkkk can you ppppppp breaking up ztztztzt CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW??? (Brendan Beary) Maverick: McCain. Maverisk: Palin. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J., a First Offender) Rank and file: Industrial workers. Rank and vile: Industrial stocks. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Barbecue: Grilled meat. Carbecue: Grilled grille. (Tom Witte) Eco-friendly: Not harmful to the environment. Ego-friendly: Not harmful to your environment. (Vic Krysko, Suratthani, Thailand) Carpe Diem: Seize the day! Crappy Diem: Please, God, let it end! (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Mosey along: Take a long time to get somewhere. Moses along: Take 40 years to get somewhere. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) ". . . preserve, protect and defend": U.S. Constitution. ". . . reverse, protect and defend": Chief Justice Roberts (Roy Ashley, Washington) Exist: Am. Ex-is: Was. (Kevin Dopart) "Milk," "The Reader" . . . : Academy announces Best Picture nominees. Milk the readers: Post announces yet another inauguration commemorative. (Lee Dobbins, Arlington) Orchid: The most sublime of God's creations. Our kid: And did I tell you she also made the honor roll? (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg) Brainstorm: A sudden agitation of the mind. Branstorm: A sudden agitation of the bowel. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) Ex-worker: Laid off. Sex worker: Laid on. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) The former senator from Illinois: Change we can believe in. The former governor from Illinois: Currency I can believe in. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Example: Model. Ex-ample: Diet model. (Kevin Dopart) President pro tempore: A senator who subs for the veep when he's off. President pro temper: A veep who snubs a senator with "Eff off." (Chris Doyle) Scarlett Johansson: Lots of guys would like to sleep with. Scarlet johnson: No guy would want to wake up with. (Brendan Beary) Bridge to nowhere: Makes you think of Sarah Palin. Bride to nowhere: Makes you think of Bristol Palin. (Chris Doyle) Sidekick: A buddy who's close. Sidelick: A buddy who's a little too close. (Larry Yungk) Onomatopoeia: "Quack," "meow," "murmur." Economatopoeia: "Crash," "thud," "kaboom," "poof." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Roe v. Wade: Choice. Roe v. Whale: Choice at a sushi bar. (Tom Witte) And last: "The Elements of Style": Since 1918, a renowned authority on writing with conciseness and taste. The Excrements of Style: Since 1993, a renowned repository of writing with, uh, conciseness? (Michael Gips, Bethesda) Next Week: Ask Backwards, or The Ink Choir Inquires ====================================================================== WEEK 805, published February 21, 2009 Week 805: Bad Product Names 1. A bad name for a new beauty product. 2. A bad name for a new Web site. 3. A bad name for a new candy bar. 4. A bad name for a new college. 5. A bad name for a new fast-food restaurant. This week: Give us an original name in any of the above categories (not an actual badly named product). It's easy to write entries for a contest like this -- writing good entries is another story -- and when we did the same contest 11 years ago with different categories, we got a reported 40,000 entries. That's too many for one Empress to judge. So: No more than 10 entries per category. If you send more, we'll just stop reading after the 10th. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a vintage roll of toilet paper with pictures of Jimmy Carter on it, courtesy of the otherwise courteous and dignified Loser Beverley Sharp. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 2. Put "Week 805" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart; the revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp. We were reminded of the 1998 version of this contest (Week 263) by Russell Beland, who never forgets anything related to The Style Invitational. Report From Week 801, in which we asked you to supply questions, "Jeopardy"-style, for any of 12 pretty much random phrases. As you'll see, the contest was announced the weekend after the inauguration. 4 A. Ferret booties. Q. According to a recent poll, what are most male ferrets interested in, way ahead of "good ferret personality" and "good ferret sense of humor"? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 3 A. The best Washington Monument topper. Q. What is a scaled-down version of Aretha Franklin's inauguration hat bow? (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church; Mike Anderson, Billings, Mont.) 2 the winner of the gross-out toy harmonica: A. Oops, that was a typo. Q. What phrase has no teen ever texted? (Russ Taylor, Vienna) And the Winner of the Inker A. They forgot this Cabinet post. Q. Why did President Obama and his advisers get a good talking-to from Marian Robinson, the First Mother-in-Law? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) What Could Have Been Worse? Honorable Mentions Because he is an idiot: According to his psychiatrist, why does Rod Blagojevich display such erratic behavior? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Why does a male think he can outsmart a female? (M. Lilly Welsh, Oakton) Orange, but not purple: What was Stanley Kubrick's response when asked why he wouldn't adapt an Alice Walker novel? (Ed Gordon, Georgetown, Tex.) How is William III of England different from Fox's Bill O'Reilly? (Russ Taylor) What's a good color for an orange? (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, N.Y.) A wasabi-and-jelly sandwich: What's better than a mercury-and-salmonella sandwich? (Kevin Dopart) What exactly was it that Bush 41 barfed at the Japanese state dinner? (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Is there anything that sells less well at Benihana than its butterscotch sashimi? (Russell Beland, Fairfax) What is the first challenge on the popular Japanese game show "Super Sexy Fire Tonsils Hernia Hour"? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) What is the traditional home remedy for a low-blood-sugar diabetic with sinusitis? (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) Oy. So I invite this shiksa to seder with the mishpocha, and what meshugeh thing does she bring instead of horseradish and charoset? (Marc Leibert, Jersey City) Remote control rabbits: In the future, who will die to detect the presence of robot fetuses? (Cy Gardner, Arlington) How is The Post trying to cut costs for rural home delivery? (John Mulholland, Heathsville, Va., a First Offender) What did Bill Gates give his children to ensure that they developed a relationship with nature? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) What are i-hops? (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) What, because of an unfortunate miscommunication, now read the Torah in Disneyland's Temple of Tomorrow? (Russell Beland) Why you should never say "bless you": What did the English spy learn when he responded too hastily to der Fuehrer's sneeze? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) What lesson do Rep. Anna 8Eshoo's interns learn the first day on the job? (Kevin Dopart) Because you're not the freakin' pope, are you? (Tom Witte) They forgot this Cabinet post: Our sideboard dumped all our shelves of china into a broken heap last night. What's wrong with it? (Russ Taylor) Aretha Franklin's swimsuit: What's another reason inaugurations are not held in the summer? (Dave Zarrow, Reston) What could all the Sports Illustrated models fit into at once? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis; Patrick Mattimore, Gex, France) Aside from bailout money, what is another definition of TARP? (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria) What has more yardage than the Redskins' offense? (Ira Allen, Bethesda) What required more of a stretch than "Mission accomplished"? (Peter Ostrander, Rockville) What does Kirstie Alley hope to be able to fit into by summer? (Lee Dobbins, Arlington) Either Topeka or Yemen: When Ben turned the wheel on "Lost" and the island "moved," where did it go? (Chad Pridgen, Marshall, Va.) If the Gitmo detainees click their sandals together three times upon their release, where will they end up? (Howard Walderman) Where did you park when you went to the inauguration? (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) Who will get senators of their own before D.C. does? (Ira Allen) After informing President-elect Obama that Blair House was not available, what other options did Bush suggest for pre-inaugural housing? (Irving Shapiro, Rockville) Where do local leaders require that science be taught from holy books? (Kevin Dopart) Where would our president be now if his name were Barack Obama Hussein? (Bridget Goodman, Philadelphia, a First Offender) The best Washington Monument topper: What is bald eagle poop? (Phyllis Reinhard) What is the Eiffel Tower? (Beverley Sharp, Washington) What is a flashing neon "Going Out of Business" sign? (Lawrence McGuire) Oops, that was a typo: What words do you not want to hear while getting a blood transfusion? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Barry Koch) How did Fox News explain a news crawl saying "Islamo-fascist arrives at White House to begin reign of terror"? (Marc Naimark, Paris) Wow, does that headline say, "Wizards Win Two in a Row"? (Cy Gardner) The Post's upcoming new feature: What is the Tic-Tac-Toe Puzzle? (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) What is Tim Geithner's Tax Tips? (David Garratt, Glenn Dale) What is Obituary Jumble? (Larry Yungk, Arlington) What is Today's Schadenfreude? (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Ferret booties: Why did the sequel to "Alvin and the Chipmunks" get a PG-13 rating? (Andrea Kelly) What do they make with Joe Biden's old hair plugs? (JL Strickland, Valley, Ala., a First Offender) With what do you secure a ferret boo? (Bruce W. Alter, vacationing in Port St. Lucie, Fla.) Next Week: DreckTV, or DespiCable ====================================================================== WEEK 806, published February 28, 2009 Week 806: DQ Very Much "Mommy, quick, what should I order?" "For every romantic possibility, no matter how robust, there exists at least one equal and opposite sentence, phrase, or word capable of extinguishing it." This "Theory of Disqualifying Statements" was coined back in 1996 by theory-coiner Malcolm Gladwell in the brand-new online magazine Slate, in an "electronic diary" that we'd now call a blog. Gladwell discovered the principle when a woman he was flirting with announced that all her boring relatives had gone to Harvard, but not she; oh no, she was the black sheep, a maverick -- she went to . . . Brown. Pffft to the potential romance. Disqualifying statement. Jay Levitt of Cambridge, Mass., who brought this theory to our attention, rightly suggests that a list of Disqualifying Statements would be a welcome antidote to any remaining toxic fumes of Valentine's Day sentimentality. He suggested: "my second parole officer," "the quintessence of the 'Star Trek' milieu" and "some of my World of Warcraft characters." This week: Give us a phrase or sentence that would nip a potential relationship in the bud (or elsewhere). Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets the remote-control-motif necktie donated by Loser Peter Metrinko, whose visage formerly graced this page peeking through the leg hole of a pair of white briefs. (Peter has 255 Invitational ink blots and zero shame.) This cravat is an item of genuine value; indeed, its packaging clearly lists its genuine value at exactly $1.00. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 9. Put "Week 806" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 28. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name was sent by both Rick Haynes and Beverley Sharp; the revised title for next week's results is by Jeffrey Contompasis. An Extra Contest: In these uneasy times, sometimes you just have to cross your fingers and go for it: And we're about to order up a bunch of new Loser Magnets for the Invite's Honorable Mentions. Pictured in the slide show, above right, are the current ones, designed as always by Bob Staake; we need two new slogans. Send ideas to losers@washpost.com with "magnet slogan" in the subject line. Winners will get Bob's signed pencil sketch of the magnet's design. And a magnet. Report From Week 802, in which we asked for new ideas for cable TV channels: 4. The Nudist Channel: Nothing's ever on. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) 3. The Hagiography Channel: President Obama's inauguration, President Obama's campaign speeches, and occasional specials on other leaders who saved the world (and influenced President Obama) such as FDR and Lincoln. Coming next season: President Obama walking the dog. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, a First Offender) 2. the winner of the Tabloid Tycoon old computer game: Guns 'N Moses: The all-Heston channel. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) And the Winner of the Inker The Loining Channel. "Adult education." (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Channel Serfs: Honorable Mentions ADHDTV (a.k.a. Short-Attention-SPAN): In rotation every two seconds, all 18,000 cable channels on your system. So throw away the remote, fellas. (Marcy Alvo, Annandale; Vicki Zatarain, Washington) The Meta-Network: Round-the-clock talking heads discussing how dreadful television is these days. (Anne Paris, Arlington) The Knee-Jerk Right-Wing Nut Job Network: It's a lot like Fox but without all that balance. (Russell Beland) TickerNet: All scrolling news without the annoying background videos and talking heads. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Big Prostate TV: Your favorite shows, but with convenient two-minute programming breaks every 20 minutes. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) The Moebius Channel: A one-sided documentary that never ends. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Wikipedia News Network: Viewer-submitted news featuring the daily program "Here's What I Think Happened," the weekly travelogue "Life in These 53 States" and the 12-part documentary "City on the Edge of Tomorrow Is the Best 'Star Trek' Episode Ever." Regular contributors include a bunch of guys in sweat pants and Hannity & Colmes. (Maureen Driscoll, Toluca Lake, Calif., a First Offender) The Henry VIII Channel: Four talking heads, two non-talking heads. (Jay Shuck) Rabbit Ears Nostalgia: Watch former analog broadcasts as they were meant to be, with realistic blur, various lines and interference from space heaters. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) CVS, the Conjugal Visit Surveillance channel: These inmates were promised conjugal visits, but who said anything about privacy? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Headlice News: Twenty-four-hour advice on avoiding and treating cooties. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) The PBS Continuous Pledge Drive Channel: The same 12 "specials" over and over and over again. So pretty much like regular PBS. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Live Radar: 24/7 webcams of Gary Burghoff's house. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Urban Legend Television: It's a channel you can get only with a special black box built by a friend of a friend, some dude who lives in a bomb shelter in Calvert County. (Lawrence McGuire) The Left-Handed Albino Neologists of Hibernia Born on Feb. 3 in the Year of the Ox Channel: Niche programming at its fullest. (Lawrence McGuire) ESP-N: We know just what you want to watch. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Optimists News Channel: "The nation's employment rate remained above 90 percent last quarter as, locally, the vast majority of homes did not burn down." (Russell Beland) The Illinois Channel: Kickback and enjoy! (Beverley Sharp, Washington) The Unused-Fireplace Channel: For the 364 days when "Yule Log" isn't on. (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.) Al-Jazeera Hebrew: Building on the success of Al-Jazeera English, the network offers a translated version of its news service. Balanced content will present both viewpoints: pro-Arab and anti-Israeli. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) The Total Infomercial Network: Where every program airs without commercial interruption. (Thomas S. Urban, Reston, a First Offender) Next Week: The Pepys Show, or Tainted Diary Products ====================================================================== WEEK 807, published March 7, 2009 Week 807: Pretty Graphic Expressions DOG = CAT + LOYALTY RAT = (MOUSE x 4) - CUTE In our era of thumb-based communication, the well-constructed essay, paragraph -- sentence -- is increasingly seen as some quaint, fusty literary style better suited to a quill and parchment: We don't want to have to read through all those words to see the point. Craig Damrauer is here to help you. His Web site http://MoreNewMath.com is a compilation of witty and often insightful thoughts, each expressed in the form of a mathematical equation, as in the ones by Craig in Bob Staake's cartoon. This week: Express some insight as an equation or other mathematical expression. What we're not looking for is a translation of a well-known platitude into graphic form, such as "Bird in Hand = 2(Bird in Bush)." It very well might be hard to out-Craig Craig here. We're a word person ourself. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets the Guest-B-Gone Emergency Kit, a cheap little red plastic bag including fake chickenpox spots, a CD of "Inhospitable Ambience" (Track 2: Broken Alarm System) and a tablet to make your dog's mouth foam. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 16. Put "Week 807" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Chris Doyle; the revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte. Report From Week 803, in which we asked for diary entries by people throughout history: 4. June 12, 1994, 11:30 p.m.: Dear Diary: Stopped by Nicole's. Her new boyfriend was there. Lost one of my gloves. Didn't fit anyway. (Arlee C. Green, Newington) 3. [Date redacted]: Dear Diary: Today I met with some people who are none of your damned business. We talked about things that are none of your damned business. We met at a location that is still none of your damned business. We had steak for lunch. -- Dick Cheney (Cy Gardner, Arlington) 2. the winner of the Bittersweets conversation hearts with cynical sentiments: July 18, 1266: Dear Diary: Today I swam in the Kublai Khan's palace pool and was surprised to hear children shouting my name! (Chris Doyle, vacationing in Cape Town, South Africa) And the Winner of the Inker June 20, '76: Working on draft of document for TJ. I've articulated two unalienable Rights -- Life, and the Pursuit of Happiness -- need a third. Well, it will come to me. -- Sally (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Journal Leasts: Honorable Mentions 00/00/00: Went into work early today, was up at the crack of dawn. -- God (A.E. Casey Hermanson, Sioux Falls, S.D., a First Offender) 10,000 B.C.: The interim program review went well. I asked the tribe to leverage synergies in order to take it to that next level of excellence. Tomorrow we execute my master plan for the mammoth hunt. -- Oog the Caveman (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) 2580 B.C.: My plan for the Great Cube is jeopardized by a shortage of building material. I must find a way to economize . . . -- Imhotep (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Satan's Work Record Journal, 600 B.C., Monday: Tortured that guy Job. Persecuted Job. Worked over Job. Broke for lunch. Pastrami on rye. Power nap. Gave Job a papyrus cut. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Dec. 25, 0032: My birthday, and no one remembered. Sigh. (Jeff Brechlin) March XX, XXXIII: Another day dealing with a two-bit troublemaker. I feel destined for obscurity. -- P.P. (William Kane, Arlington, a First Offender) Nov. 30, 1343: Cut myself shaving this morning. -- William of Ockham (Jeff Brechlin) July 13, 1793: Note to self: Replace lock on bathroom d . . . -- Jean-Paul Marat (Gary A. Clements, Bethesda) Oct. 17, 1796: Had a dream that I lost my sight! Terrifying! -- Beethoven (Jeff Brechlin) April 15, 1802: Wandered lonely as a cloud all day. Stepped in cow pie. Fell in mud. Mosquitoes. Horrible, horrible. -- William Wordsworth (Jeff Brechlin) June 27, 1862: O Alice, light of my life, fire of my jabberwock! -- Lewis Carroll (Kevin Dopart, Washington) April 15, 1865: Terrible show last night -- that diva Booth stepped on my funniest line. -- Harry Hawk (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 1/15/1882: Revealed the new product line today. It seemed to be well received and I know I should be glad, but it vexes me that I be destined to toil in obscurity. I had hoped so much to become a household name! -- Thomas Crapper (Jack Fiorini, Williamsburg) Sept. 23, 1899: Mr. Johnson came to Vienna to see me. He said his wife constantly fantasized about the Eiffel Tower, obelisks and lighting poles. I struggle to explain this obsession. He said he has his eye on a new red Peugeot. I am envious. -- Sigmund (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Captain's Log, 14 April, 1912: An uneventful day, which is a good thing on a maiden voyage. I must remember, however, to tell the stewards that the passengers want more ice. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Oct 5, 1931, Paris: Henry Miller left his toothbrush, so I used it all afternoon to clean the grout in the bathroom, then did the laundry and ironing. Leftovers for dinner. Just a boring day. I wish my diary were more interesting! -- Anaïs (Russ Taylor, Vienna) June 27, 1932: I messed up a whole batch of chocolate cookies today. The chocolate bar I chopped up and mixed into the dough didn't melt -- there were just little chips all through them. I hope the Toll House Inn guests will eat them anyway. -- Ruth Wakefield (Kyle Petrick, Newark, Del., a First Offender) May 18, 1959: I do not think that I can cook, But I must eat, to write my book, So in the kitchen I explore What's left behind the icebox door. How old is this? -- I wish I knew: The ham has a quite striking hue. -- Ted(Anne Paris, Arlington) July 7, 1947: Crash-landed in desert a few nights ago. Alien life-forms captured our ship. Now we're being held in a place called USAF. Got a feeling we're gonna be here awhile. -- Frglzp (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Nov. 2, 1948: Began measuring for drapes. -- Mrs. Thomas Dewey (Marc Boysworth, Burke; Mae Scanlan, Washington; Chuck Smith) April 1, 1952: Drunk, spilled a can of paint on a fresh canvas today. Oh well, who'll know? -- Jackson Pollock (Jeff Brechlin) July 25, 2008: Yayyyyy, the test is positive -- I'm pregnant!! What's in store for me? I'll ask the Magic 8-Ball. -- Nadya Suleman (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 7/2/2008: The crew did a fantastic job on the set today -- I really appreciate their talent and effort. But, you know, I don't want them to think I'm some kind of pushover . . . -- Christian Bale (Roy Ashley, Washington) Dec. 13, 2008: My annoying cousin Muntadar, the big-shot reporter, wants to borrow my new shoes to wear to that Baghdad press conference tomorrow. Like President Bush is gonna notice his shoes! Well, he'd better not scuff them up. (JL Strickland, Valley, Ala.) 1/20/09, 3:30 a.m.: I guess I shouldn't have stayed up this late playing Minesweeper -- I hope I can focus on my one little task at noon. -- John Roberts (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) 1/20/2009, 12:30 p.m.: Finally the madness is over! I got so tired of hearing, "You look just like George Bush." -- Alfred E. Neuman (Arlee C. Green) Oct. 25, 1982: Dear Diary: Today I started work at The Washington Post! How fortunate I am to embark on a career in which I can give voice to the undeserved! I mean underserved. -- The Pre-Empress (Rob Cohen, Potomac) Next Week: Our Type o' Humor, or Headline Ruse ====================================================================== WEEK 808, published March 14, 2009 Week 808: Take Us At Our Words It's been a while since we've done a word-bank contest, one that asks you to write some passage using only a particular set of words. Several readers did not exactly applaud our rearrangements of the Gettysburg Address, let alone the Book of Genesis, so here's a source a bit less sacrosanct: This Week: Create a humorous poem or other writing using only the words contained in this week's Style Invitational column and results. Anything longer than 50 words must be astonishingly good. You must use the exact word used (e.g., you can't turn it into a plural) and you can't use a word more than once unless it appears more than once here. You may change capitalization and punctuation. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the scientific treatise "What's Your Poo Telling You?," donated by close-on-1,000-time Loser Tom Witte. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 23. Put "Week 808" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 11. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Drew Bennett; the revised title for next week's results is by Andrew Hoenig. Report From Week 804, in which we asked you to create a "typo" in an actual Washington Post headline by adding, deleting or substituting one letter, or transposing two letters, and then write a "bank headline" to match the revised main head. (Some of the entries below include the original word in brackets at the end.) 4. Once More, With Feeding Kate Moss Launches New Career as Plus Model (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 3. What Could Have Been Horse? Travelers Ponder the Mysteries of Foreign Menus (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 2. the winner of the book "Boring Postcards USA" Rwanda's Move Into Condo Fuels Suspicion [Congo] 8 Million Residents in Single Apartment May Be Code Violation (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) And the Winner of the Inker In Steep and Swift Fall, Bow Lands at 6-Year Low Aretha's Hat Now Covers Entire Face (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis ) Receding Headlines: Honorable Mentions Back Home in Alaska, Palin Finds Clod Comfort Ted Stevens Greets Governor at Airport (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) President of Oblivia Stirs Fierce Debate People Still Undecided as to Whether Nation Even Exists (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) Save an Additional 200% [20%] Local Merchants Get Desperate (Beverley Sharp) New Teat, Old Position [Team] Reconstructive Surgery Not Intended to Restore 'Perkiness' (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Obama Vows to Have Deficit by End of Term [Halve] Promise Is First That GOP Doesn't Call Unrealistic (Raishad Hardnett, Greenville, Del., a First Offender) Miser Loves Company Skinflint Invites Friends In Just to Watch Him Count His Cash (Beverley Sharp) In N.Y., Mensweat Captures the Mood [Menswear] You Can Smell the Fear on Wall Street (Mae Scanlan, Washington) In N.Y., Menswear Captures the Food Manhattan Guys Don't Bother With Napkins (John Kustka, Prince Frederick, Md.) A Seven-Curse, Seven-Stop Manhattan Meal Carlin-Themed Dinner Deemed a %&*# Success (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Alternative Energy Still Facing Herdwinds Downwind Residents Launch Protest Against Cow-Methane Project (Barrett Swink, Annandale ) Striving to Have a Vice in the Workplace Company's Sexual Harassment Workshop Has Unusual Purpose (Beverley Sharp) U.S. Has Dull Task on Climate Change [Dual] Gore Just the Man for the Job (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Dog Hits Lowest Level in Years Carries Foofy Sweater to Owner, Begs to Have It Put On (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) On the Carpet, Their Hips Are Sealed Butt Glue Is Secret to Runway Saunter (M. Lilly Welsh, Oakton) The Toad Not Taken 'She's Just Not Into You,' Buddy Tells Ugly Guy (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Bad News About Unclear Arms Drop Seen in Tattoo Quality (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) French, British Officials Confirm Nuclear Tubs Collided in Atlantic Butcher, Baker, Candlestick Maker Face Admiralty Charges (Ben Consilvio, Potomac, a First Offender) Toxic Hair in Va. Restaurants [Air] State Enacts Strict Ban on Mullets (Roy Ashley, Washington) Vegas, Midwest Seek $8 Billion for Fast Drains [Trains] They Can't Pour Federal Dollars Down Regular Ones Fast Enough (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) The Nation's Hosing From Fannie and Freddie, Here Come the Fee Increases (Dale Hill, Bethesda, a First Offender) Stimulus Pill Now Goes to Obama President Now Prescribed Daily Amphetamines (Dave Prevar) More Brides Are Saying 'I Don't' to a Normal Set [Formal] Implants Become Popular Wedding Gift (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) $900,000 in Grunts Not Documented Las Vegas Brothels Hit With Tax Charges (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) After Voting Largely Along Party Lies, $787 Billion Bill Goes to Obama The Mendacity of Hope? (Chris Doyle, vacationing in Mbabane, Swaziland) Volcano Erupts in Child [Chile] 8-Year-Old Explodes After Gorging on Six Boxes of Frosted Flakes (Mae Scanlan) Johnson Backs Off Request That Assembly Praise Taxes State 'Death' Celebration Also Unlikely to Pass (Kevin Dopart) Justice Dept. Defends Tush Rule on Guns [Bush] VPs Must Now Shoot Friends From Behind (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) United Eager to Select Kite [Site] Struggling Airline Takes Radical Step to Save Fuel Costs (Christopher Lamora; J. Calvin Smith, Greenbelt) 'A Bra Off' Scandal Yields More Charges Senator Struggles to Explain Victoria's Secret Bill as Business Expense (Russ Taylor, Vienna) In Japan, Temporary Porkers Are First to Feel Fiscal Pain [Workers] Sumo Sparring Mates Face Layoffs (Chris Doyle) Talks Could Clear Way for Congressional Testimony by Dove [Rove] Former Laureate Summoned to Explain What the Heck the Inaugural Poem Was About (Christopher Lamora) Don't Miss the Sweat Spots FDA to Require Instructions on Deodorant Labels (Russell Beland) Glimpses of Bribal Cultures Lecture Series to Focus on Russia, Zimbabwe, Congress (Christopher Lamora) Smoking Bat Passes in Va. [Ban] Veterinarians Had Advised Mammal to Give Up Tobacco (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa; Beverley Sharp) Factoring In the Cost of Getting Some [Home] Bachelors, Don't Forget Movie, Dinner, Wine (Jim Tierney, Fairfax Station; Beverley Sharp; Peter A. Siegwald, Arlington) Driving Up the Cost for Public Dorks Quayle Still on Federal Payroll (Tom Bruner, Sterling) GM, Chrysler Seek Billions More in Air Companies Figure That Maybe Money Does Fall Out of the Sky (J. Calvin Smith) Spitzer Flies to Be Unsealed Former Governor's Wife Finally Relents After Imposing 12-Month Punishment (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Next Week: Brand Ecchs, or Gross Notional Products ====================================================================== WEEK 809, published March 21, 2009 Week 809: Unkindest Cutlines Before print newspapers are subsumed entirely into the online ether, a bit of soon-to-be-ancient terminology: What the rest of the world calls a photo caption, the newspaper world calls a "cutline," a word dating back to when images were "cut," or engraved, into the printing plate. "Caption" (deriving from the Latin word for "head") referred to a headline above the picture, but that usage has pretty much vanished. "Cutline," however, remains. This week: For once, a simple premise: Supply cutlines, or captions, for any one of the newspaper photos in the slideshow. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a plastic box, a little smaller than your standard tissue box, in the shape (pretty much) of the White House. When you lift the lid, it begins to play "The Star-Spangled Banner" at great volume. Gotten rid of by Big-Deal Loser Beverley Sharp of Washington as she prepares to get rid of Washington and move back South. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 30. Put "Week 809" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart; the revised title for next week's results is by Dave Prevar. Report From Week 805, in which we asked for bad names for any of five particular items. As when we did this contest a decade ago, the results aren't exactly cerebral. But we can't be pointy-headed every week -- it plays havoc with the Empress's crown. Among the thousands of entries were the far too frequent Sam 'n' Ella's Burgers/Peanut House, the Floaty and Mars Uranus candy bars and the Madoff School of Ethics. 4. A bad name for a Web site: www.si-m_p-l_i-f_y-y_o-u_r-l_i-fe.com (Alan Hochbaum, Atlanta) 3. A bad name for a beauty product: Great Personality (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis; Roy Ashley, Washington) 2. the winner of the toilet paper with pictures of Jimmy Carter: A bad name for a fast-food restaurant: La Cucaracha Taco House (Dean Evangelista, Rockville) And the Winner of the Inker A bad name for a candy bar: Herpes Kisses (Cy Gardner, Arlington) The Worse for Wares: Honorable Mentions A Bad Name for a New Beauty Product Skin So Eh (J. Calvin Smith, Greenbelt) Parfum de Barfum (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Toxema (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Back & Shoulders Dandruff Shampoo (Joe Harsel, Cockeysville, Md., who last got ink in 2002; Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Englishman's Pride Fluoride-Free Dentrifice (Chad Pridgen, Marshall, Va.) You Look Just Like Your Mom! Lipstick (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg) BlagoGel for Men (Anne Shively, Broadlands, a First Offender) Oil of O'Lady (Dean Evangelista; Christopher Lamora, Arlington; Larry Yungk, Arlington) Oil of NoLay (David Garratt, Glenn Dale) Mean Nun Hair Clasp (Lee Dobbins, Arlington) A Bad Name for a New Web Site PixOfTheProphet.com (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) 20thCenturyTechSolutions.com (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Fundownloads.com/activatevirus19534 (Andrea Birch, Wilmington, Del., a First Offender) WitnessRelocationChatRoom.com (Joe Harsel) WebstersDowloadableSpellchecker.com (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Senatorcraigslist.com (Marlene C. Cohen, Silver Spring, a First Offender) McCain2020.org (Peter Ostrander, Rockville) A Bad Name for a New Candy Bar High-Fructose Corn Syrup & Glycerine Treats (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Doo Doo Clusters (Tom Witte) K-Y Jellybeans (Chris Doyle, on vacation in Livingstone, Zambia) Liver Duds (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Scarburst (Tom Witte) Peter Paul's Reduced-Fat Almond Mild Exuberance (Russell Beland, Fairfax) A Bad Name for a New College State Pen University (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) Gouger College (Larry Yungk) Kwik-E-Smart (May Jampathon) Ludd Institute of Technology (Tom Witte; Jeff Brechlin) The University of Lake Ontario and Bait Shop (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Southern Utah Girls and Man College (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda) The Caroline Kennedy School of Communications (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) The Eastern Institute of Taxidermy and Culinary Arts (Ellen Raphaeli) A Bad Name for a New Fast-Food Restaurant Fetus Ruth (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Head in the Box (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Purger King (Kevin Dopart) Pizza Bolus (Tom Murphy, Bowie) The Ground Hound (Martin Bancroft) Squirrel-fil-A (Steve Halter, Herndon, who last got ink in 1997) Immodio's Pizza (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) S.H.I. Thursday's (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) The Sweeney Toddle House (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.; Chad Pridgen) Long John Slivers (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) Kentucky Fried Whatever (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Pizza Hovel (Steve Johnson, Alexandria, a First Offender; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The Greasy Spleen (Roy Ashley) Next Week: DQ Very Much, or Invali-Dating ====================================================================== WEEK 810, published March 28, 2009 Week 810: What Kind of Foal Am I? Giant Oak x Gluteus Maximus = Heck of a Trunk Another spring, once more around the track: A list of 100 of the more than 400 horses eligible for this year's Triple Crown races begins on page four; as in past years, your job is to "breed" any two -- even though almost all are male, and a few are geldings -- and provide an appropriate name for their foal, as in the example above. As in real life, the names cannot be longer than 18 characters, including spaces. If you're writing more than a handful of entries -- and limit yourselves to 25 in any case -- be sure to double-space the list; we always get many thousands of entries for this contest, and the Empress, while arguably semi-divine, has but two eyeballs. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an extraordinary teacup (see slideshow at right) discourtesy of Carolyn Guy of Mechanicsville, Md., who is not a Loser but is a "faithful fan of the Invitational since Week 1." But there's a catch: Because we are not about to put this delicate little gewgaw in the mail, you must accept the prize in person from the Empress at the 14th annual Flushies, the Losers' own annual awards luncheon, Saturday, May 2, in College Park. See the Losers' Web site, http://www.gopherdrool.com, for details. If you place second and don't come, we'll send you a Loser T-shirt instead, and give the teacup to the highest-placing Loser who does show. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 6. Put "Week 810" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 25. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Roy Ashley; the revised title for next week's results was submitted independently by Jeffrey Contompasis and Mike Ostapiej. Report From Week 806, in which we asked for "disqualifying statements" made by a would-be romantic interest: We got many entries along the line of "After my fourth wife's death was ruled an accident . . ." and "Cat Number 27 is named . . . ." Several Losers cited actual dates: Francesca Kelly's suitor offered to show her the human ear he kept in a jar. Elizabeth Molye's would-be beau bragged, "I make beautiful babies with white women." Maureen Driscoll swears her date confided, "I never thought I'd go out with someone as old as you." And Ann DeMart's driving companion noted, "That's the scar from when I tried to cut my arm off." We interrupt these results to show you the latest Style Invitational Magnets, to be awarded to future Honorable Mentions. (See the magnets in the slideshow at right.) Lee Dobbins of Arlington and Ed Gordon of Georgetown, Tex., each win the ever-more-famous Bob Staake's original sketch for the design, along with the actual magnet in the usual business-card size. 4. "I always flush six times because I want to be sure everything has gone down and flushing seven times would just be stupid." (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) 3. ". . . President unquote Obama . . ." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) 2.the winner of the remote-control-motif necktie: "I like tapas because I can put each little dish on a separate credit card." (Cy Gardner, Arlington) And the Winner of the Inker "I'm so excited -- I've never been on a second date before." (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Didn't Get Past First Base: Honorable Mentions "This is the nicest restaurant in town that's more than 500 yards from any school, playground or bike path." (Kevin D'Eustachio, Beltsville) "April 20? No, I'm sorry, I can't -- I always celebrate Der Fuhrer's birthday alone." (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) "Please don't hold your fork that way. Watch. Do it like this. Better." (Dave Zarrow, Reston) "I like to talk in rhyme. I do it all the time. I find it quite sublime." (Rob Cohen, Potomac) "You know, the real way to collect butterflies is to pin them to the board while they're still alive." (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) "I was going to take you to a fancier restaurant than this, but I thought you might feel out of place." (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) "Then the guy tells me my butt tattoo looks infected, so I say, 'Which do you mean, the tattoo on my butt or the one OF a butt?' (Russell Beland, Fairfax) "Sorry I'm late, but I couldn't find my Tuesday underwear." (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) "I'm sorry I'm staring. I'm just used to seeing you through the blinds." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) "While we wait, let's get the packets from the other tables so we can sprinkle them and make sugar angels!" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "Spending time with my kids is so much easier now that they're all in the same prison." (Sally Fasman, Washington) "A lot of people are, you know, prejudiced against dogfighting . . ." (Michael Reinemer, Annandale) "Chris Hansen looks a lot taller in person." (Gordon Barnes, Alexandria, a First Offender) "My therapist says I'm ready for a transitional relationship." (Matt Wagner, Hagerstown, Md., a First Offender) "I was really hoping Bush would run for a third term." (Mike Ostapiej) "Like so many other people, I got caught up in the self-asphyxiation craze for a while." (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) "With the opposite sex, I usually bat around .200, but with you I have the distinct feeling that it'll be closer to .400 or at least .344, which is Ted Williams's lifetime batting average." (John Shea) "Is this the part of the date where you trot out some spiel about your quote-unquote values?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) "Two factors!! Sorry, I always shout that whenever I hear a prime number." (William Kane, Arlington) "Hey, don't you work out at 6:30 on Monday-Wednesday-Friday, and 9-11 a.m. Saturday, and then drive home in your red Honda Civic, usually stopping for coffee at either Starbucks or Tiger Mart depending on whether you need to refill your tank using your Speedpass?" (JB Richardson, Falls Church, a First Offender) "Okay, now, I'll sneak into the movie and then let you in one of the exit doors." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "I hear that flat-chested girls try harder in the sack." (Chuck Smith) "Hey, babe, I'm playing Obama tonight, and do I have a stimulus package for you!" (Tom Lacombe, Browntown, Va.) "What did Jeff Brechlin mean by that? Well, what Jeff Brechlin wanted you to know is that Jeff Brechlin is happy to meet you, and that . . . " (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "I wish my sister's breasts were as large as yours." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) "My last girlfriend was the Empress, though we never actually went out . . ." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Next Week: Pretty Graphic Expressions, or Dim Sums Horses for Week 810 Abound Action in May Advice Affirmatif All the Bases Andiron Antitrust Baryshnikov Beethoven Big Drama Boyhood Dream Bridging Bunker Hill Buzzin and Dreamin Century Gold Charitable Man Checklist Chocolate Candy Clicker Coffee Bar Cribnote Danger to Society Desert Party Dream Now Driving Snow Dunkirk El Rapido Empire State Everyday Heroes Fast Draw Flat Out Giant Oak Gluteus Maximus Gone Astray Hello Broadway Hold Me Back I Want Revenge Ice Road Il Postino In the Juice Jack Spratt Just Ben Life Goes On Logic Lookn Mighty Fast Lyin' Heart Map of the World Marquee Event More Than Willing Mr. Fantasy National Monument New York Baby Nowhere to Hide Oil Man Old Fashioned Omniscient Parade Clown Party Hard Pauper's Prize Pedestal Pitched Perfectly Platinum Van Poltergeist Precious Package Presto Change O Quarter Given Red Spider Red Wine Remember Mike Rendezvous Retap Right One Right of Way Rocket to the Moon Rue Sea Level Shafted Silver City Sir Phenomenal Skipadate Sneak Peek Snowmaster Stayonit Street Car Sullenberger Sumo Sunday Sunrise Sweat Shop The Big Dunkin They're Late Tiz True Tone It Down Total Gentleman Unionize Wall Street Wonder Wat West Side Bernie Wild Entry Wise Kid Zither Song ====================================================================== WEEK 811, published April 4, 2009 Week 811: Rock Bottom Lines McMansions still lie vacant, but crowds gather at the grand opening of HooverVillas on the Potomac. The one aspect of our economy that's been operating smoothly over these months is its deluxe set of no-traction skids. Have we hit bottom? This week: Tell us a sign that would indicate that the economy couldn't get worse, as in the example above. This contest was suggested by John H. Tuohy of Arlington, who previously got Invite ink in 2003 and 1995, so he's a bit ahead of schedule this week. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Nunchuck, which is not one half of a pair of nunchucks but a junky little toy consisting of a trigger-activated thing that "catapults nuns up to 15 feet!" -- the nuns being four tiny nun-shaped objects with their hands in the air. Warning: The package specifies that it is "not suitable for children under 3 years"; presumably it's okay for children 3 and older to shoot toy nuns. Donated by Loser Melissa Yorks of Gaithersburg. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 13. Put "Week 811" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 2. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart; the revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp. Report From Week 807, in which we asked for some original insights expressed as equations, a la those on MoreNewMath.com, written by Craig Damrauer. Craig himself weighed in on the choices for the top winners, proving himself a pretty good sport given that we ripped off his entire concept. The Winner of the Inker Ennui = Boredom + thesaurus (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) 2 the winner of the Guest-B-Gone Emergency Kit: Subpoena = Invitation -- RSVP (Robert Gallagher, Falls Church) 3 Surrealism + bowling = Anchor -- chicken (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) 4 Entitlement -- experience = Teenager (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) More Unequal Than Others: Honorable Mentions Fun at 30-year reunion: (Football captain's baldness + cheerleader's obesity)/Yours (Doug Pinkham, Oakton) Constructive criticism = You suck + here's why (Kevin Dopart, Washington) B + $8K = DD (Pete Kaplan, Charlotte) Bird watcher = Voyeur -- sex (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Big Mac = Special sauce + lettuce + cheese + pickles + onion + cardboard (Lawrence McGuire) Helpmate = Husband -- recliner (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Sharing + caring + loving support + tears of joy = Girl porn (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills) Uncle Sam x 24/7 = Big Brother (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Tofu = Protein -- fun (Patrick Murray, Seattle, a First Offender) Crocs = sandals -- dignity (Charlie Wood, Falls Church) Religion = Cult + 150 years (Kevin Dopart) French = Latin + useless silent letters (Timothy Cain, Hyattsville, a 13-year-old First Offender) Diet program = Anvil -- Feather + Anvil = (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Movie at theater = movie at home + big screen + 120 db + $10/person + sitter + people texting in front of you + not clicking on Pause when you go to the bathroom (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) 50 = 30 + 25 lbs. (Patrick Mattimore, Gex, France) Window of opportunity < door of failure (Ben Aronin, Washington) 2009 = 2004 -- money + hope (David Binswanger, Arlington, a First Offender) Iranian = Straight -- M. Ahmadinejad, Tehran (Chris Doyle) Reality TV = Reality -- real life (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Chances a Victoria's Secret model will sleep with a guy> 0> Chances a Victoria's Secret model will sleep with you (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Chipmunk = Squirrel -- rat (John C. Feltz, Fairborn, Ohio) National debt problem = Whole lot of zeros + their bosses (Alan Hochbaum, Atlanta) 401(k) + (2009 -- 2008) = 201(k) (Mike Czuhajewski, Severn, a First Offender) Unfashionable = Trendy + 3 months (Kevin Dopart) Computer = Typewriter + calculator + porn library (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 15 +/- 14 = Express lane (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Prostatitis = The urge/the stream (Chris Doyle) Eccentric = Insane/kind of amusing (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Eureka = Wrong + wrong + wrong + wrong + not wrong (Kevin Dopart) ? + ? + ? + ? + salt = hot dog (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Greenspan + 90dB -- 40W = Cramer (Jay Shuck) Tween applying makeup = Clown face -- clown (Pie Snelson) Husband = Boyfriend + buying feminine items at the supermarket (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Snail mail = E-mail + punctuation -- instantly regrettable impulse (Frances Hirai-Clark, Columbia, a First Offender) United Nations = (Lofty ideas -- ability to act) + funny blue helmets (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Success = Failure + press secretary (Kevin Dopart) Household budget = Income -- expenses -- Oh, they're having a sale on big-screen TVs! (Drew Bennett) And Last: Travesty of justice = Total ink awarded -- ink going to me (Jeff Brechlin) Next Week: Take Us at Our Words, or Made From Recycled Paper ====================================================================== WEEK 812, published April 11, 2009 Week 812: Rx Rated Humor If you hiccup, blink and urinate at the same time, your bellybutton will switch from an innie to an outie. In The Style Invitational's ongoing quest to misinform the reading public, we again seek what we've been calling fictoids -- fascinating facts that just happen to contain no truth whatsoever. Today, prompted by the suggestion of 25-time Loser Andrea Kelly, we enter the arena of the human body (or, for you more petite people, the cozy corner cafe of the human body). This week: Offer up some entirely false medical or physiological "fact," as in Andrea's example above. No fair just going to the Internet and copying out the mountains of advice offered up by well-meaning and totally misinformed commenters who habituate medical Web sites. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulous book of paper dolls of "George H. Bush and His Family," dated 1990 and featuring pictures of many family members, including a youthful-looking George W. and little-girl granddaughters Jenna and Barbara. Rather creepily for us, President 41 appears wearing only a T-shirt tucked into white briefs, and Mrs. Bush is downright come-hither in a form-fitting black slip and, of course, pearls. But there are 24 outfits you can put on them very quickly. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 20. Put "Week 812" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 9. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte; the revised title for next week's results is by Barbara Turner. Report From Week 808, in which we asked you to compose a poem or other funny writing using only the exact words in that week's Style Invitational. Despite the lofty source -- we decided that the Bible, Shakespeare, etc., just weren't inspiring enough -- many contestants failed to come close to the humor of the originals. And as always, there were the ostensibly rhyming verses with "rhymes" like "stimulus"/"humorous"; "eight"/"desperate"; and this week's worst poem, a seeming limerick attempting to rhyme "Vegas," "Genesis" and "lecture us." But to the Empress's relief, a handful of intrepid Losers with far too much time on their hands saved the day. The Winner of the Inker [First writing, original words, not edited.] To be or not to be? That is the . . . the . . . call it "the debate." Does one take hits or become a struggling man with no hope of success, only to get the [deleting of curse words] hit out of you? (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 2. the winner of the book "What's Your Poo Telling You?": Hips/tush surgery to the letter, Implants fall below the sweater, Foofy hair done to a T: A trophy wife I hope to be. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 3. A desperate, fierce-ugly guy asks you to dinner. Your "I can't now" is more or less an alternative to: -- "With you? Not in a million years." -- "Back off, %&*#!" -- "Just what have you been smoking?" -- "Maybe with some reconstructive surgery you could get your head out of your butt." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 4. Business is now down all drains, We've taken it in the tush, A million layoffs just this week --But still, I don't miss Bush. (Anne Paris, Arlington) 'Viters' Block: Honorable Mentions Good: You are the winner of one million dollars. Bad: . . . in Zimbabwe. (Chris Doyle) Don't fall for the astonishingly imposing implants, the smoking hips, or the lusted-after tush. Or, at the end, St. Peter will not be saying, "Good job! Come in!" (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Could an ugly wife being taken to surgery be seen as an honorable task, or just a radical way to restore that lusted-after quality for the owner? (Vic Krysko, Suratthani, Thailand) It's March 14? Then have some pie, all you number dorks! (Chris Doyle) To the people of the U.S.: Our nation must have reconstructive surgery. (Some assembly required.) You will get the bill. -- President Obama, M.D. (Beverley Sharp) Victoria's Secret? We get it; it's clear: Be advised: After 50, you don't be-long here. (Beverley Sharp) Good: Your in-the-mood wife asks you to get into an unusual sexual position. Bad: It's the one your buddy was just telling you is an "original" move of his. (Chris Doyle) Secret, pseudonymous Governor Spitzer, to Ashley, is only a Regular john. Summoned for sexual Comfort, she's fast to get Down to the business of Getting it on. (Chris Doyle) "Back Words": Book unusual astonishingly an of title the here's. (Chris Doyle) Finally, a poem With exact punctuation! Let us write it's words down. No! Call off the celebration! (Jay Shuck) That Wall Street guy was once imposing; We now applaud his daily hosing. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) This week's contest appears to have bit. (Russell Beland) And Last: For readers of Genesis, first came The Maker. Still, it may be that billions of years back, some energy erupts, and a single bit of hope appears in the smelly gop. More change, and after a longer time, a mammal, a man, and in the end, we get Russell Beland, Fairfax. Can this be on purpose? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Next Week: Unkindest Cutlines, or Gross Captioning ====================================================================== WEEK 813, published April 18, 2009 Week 813: Aw Shocks I was shocked, shocked when I was vacationing in the Virgin Islands and learned that the nice girl I invited to my hotel room was not a virgin! As Capt. Renault noted so famously and disingenuously in "Casablanca" about gambling at Rick's Café Américain, there's the shocking and then there's the "shocking -- not." This week: Give us a humorous example of the latter, as in the example above by 10-time Loser Richard Lempert of Arlington, who suggested this contest. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two cans of genuine Porcari Sweat, a Japanese energy drink, donated by 259-time Loser Peter Metrinko. We will also be happy to accept donations of Porcari Phlegm and Porcari Earwax. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 27. Put "Week 813" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 16. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Prevar; the revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 809, in which we asked you to supply cutlines -- or captions, as they're known outside the newspaper world -- for the photos above (on the Web, you can see them on the slide show at right). Too many people were reminded by Photo A of hamming it up at the "American Idol" tryouts, while the most common quote prompted by the Rock and fellow cast members in Photo B was "Which mountain?" and, not surprisingly given the season, everyone thought of ancient Easter egg hunts. The Winner of the Inker Photo D: "Don't shoot -- the keys are in my left back socket." (Elizabeth Molyé, Arlington) 2.Photo C: Jim Cramer offers a manly handshake to Jon Stewart to distract audience attention from his newly ripped orifice. (Jean Bonner, Chantilly) 3. Photo D: Hopes were dashed at Asimo Robotics when the Robbie 2009 flunked its driver's test at Step 1: "Failure to locate vehicle." (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) 4. Photo A: Capitol Police have apologized to pork stuck in the Fourth Street tunnel during the historic stimulus bill. (Ben Aronin, Washington) The Cut Lines: Honorable Mentions PHOTO A It dawns on Arnold that "this little piggy goes to market" might not mean he's going shopping. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Preparations begin for the annual Running of the Pigs in South Pamploma, Iowa. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Babe finds out what happens to pigs "that won't do." (Larry Yungk) The sagging economy has produced a sharp uptick in sow-ear values. (Larry Carnahan, Arlington) Wilbur now regrets that he did not teach Charlotte's kids how to write. (Larry Yungk) House Democrats meet to approve $875 billion in this year's budget for earmarks for their home districts. (Ronald Nessen, Bethesda, a First Offender [yes, the same one]) Deeming it too cute for sophisticated Style Invitational readers, the pig submitted his photo to the Harrisburg Patriot-News instead. (Richard Wong, Derwood) PHOTO B "Really, Dad, he's very sweet," Kayla reassured her father as Tyler arrived to take her bowling. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) "Hand me the script, slowly -- they can smell the fear when you've forgotten your lines." (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Juneau resident John Danvers warns his family not to make any sudden movements until Sarah Palin's helicopter is out of sight. (Jennifer Rubio, Oakton) "You guys run for it -- I'm due for a colonoscopy anyway." (Tom Murphy, Bowie) PHOTO C Jim Cramer considered his arm-wrestling bout with Jon Stewart a mere warm-up before facing the women on "The View." (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) Stewart falls for the old booger-in-the-handshake trick. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) "Jon, can they move the camera so I don't have to hunch over to not block my employer's logo?" (Russ Taylor) After years of sharing fake news, CNBC formalizes its merger with the Comedy Channel. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Jon Stewart interviews an actual toxic asset. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) PHOTO D Helpless because it had no hands to "raise in the air," the car lost yet another round of Simon Says. (Jeff Brechlin) Asimo finds that, sadly, robot proms are just as awkward as the human ones. (Kevin Dopart) The new Insight comes with a "slug" for quicker commuting. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) The gang at the MIT mixer lines up for the Chicken Dance. (Jeff Brechlin) At Honda, they use only crash test smarties. (Larry Yungk) GM's new CEO is prepared to work 24/7 and will forgo all bonuses till 2012. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) While it is no longer popular among sentient humans, the inanimate still enjoy the Macarena. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) "My other car is a Large Hadron Collider." (Peter McMenamin, Silver Spring, a First Offender) PHOTO E It's the egg! The egg came first! (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Archaeologist Martha Diggs displays evidence that even in brontosauruses, size of the footprint isn't much of a clue. (David Safavian, Alexandria) Paleontologist Ellie Sattler proves that Tyrannosaurus Rex had nipples. (Kevin Dopart) Prudence Alwaze, who got out of the stock market in 2007 and closed her account with Bernard Madoff in 2008, prepares to place her nest egg in the safest location she can find. (Dick Barnes, Washington) Alexandra L. Bancroft PhD, author of "Transgressive Tropes in Late-Period Chaucer," delights in finding two truffles as part of the White House stimulus package for furloughed humanities professors. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) PHOTOS A, B, C AND D: As soon as they expand the definition of marriage again, they're set. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) Next Week: What Kind of Foal Am I, or The Jokey Club ====================================================================== WEEK 814, published April 25, 2009 Week 814: There Will Be Bloodline Hot on the heels of the breed-the-racehorses contest whose results run today, it's of course post time for Year 4 of our grandfoals race. This week: "Breed" any two of the winning "offspring" included in this week's results, and name their foal. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives both a 2007 Kentucky Derby souvenir mint julep glass, donated by 12-time Loser Wilson Varga, and a tin of no-doubt-stale horse-shaped chocolates; on the can is painted a horse and the legend "Are you a stallion . . . or a gelding?" Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 4. Put "Week 814" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Pam Freeman of McLean, a First Offender; the revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp. Report From Week 810, our 15th (yes!) annual running of the contest in which we supply a list of 100 horses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races, and ask you to "breed" any two and name the offspring. As usual, the Empress received thousands of entries, many of them fabulously clever -- her "short" list of worthies numbered 280 names. If you entered this contest and your name does not appear here, it's no doubt among those remaining 224. (A little self-delusion is good for the psyche.) Note: We have so many First Offenders this week that we'll save space and mark them with asterisks. The Winner of the Inker Sir Phenomenal x Empire State = Knight Who Says NY (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) 2. the winner of the teacup depicting a peeing statue: Pitched Perfectly x Gone Astray = Don Larceny (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) 3. Pitched Perfectly x Danger to Society = Criminal in Tent (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) 4. Street Car x Rocket to the Moon = Stellaaaar! (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Trailing by a Nose: Honorable Mentions Skipadate x Pedestal = One Nightstand (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Advice x Gluteus Maximus = Buttinski (*Pat Kanz, Ocean Pines, Md.) Affirmatif x I Want Revenge = An Aye for an Aye (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Antitrust x Chocolate Candy = Policy Wonka (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Antitrust x Sea Level = Sherman's Lagoon (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Baryshnikov x Andiron = Grace Under Fire (Harvey Smith, McLean) Baryshnikov x Mr. Fantasy = Misha Impossible (Steve Price, New York) Beethoven x Red Wine = Ludwig Vin (Tom Witte) Beethoven x Danger to Society = Sociopathetique (Chris Doyle) Beethoven x Wise Kid = Moonlight Snotter (Steve Price) Bridging x Danger to Society = Dentist the Menace (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Bridging x Precious Package = Kwai Baby (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Bunker Hill x Shafted = Boston Scrod (Gary Welsh, Potomac) Charitable Man x Poltergeist = Dead Giveaway (Jim Newman, Luray, Va.) Checklist x Sullenberger = Fly Me a River (*Vicki Sullivan, Washington) Coffee Bar x Tone It Down = Kona Silence (Susan Thompson) Desert Party x Wat = Sheikh Your Buddha (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City) Dream Now x Parade Clown = Bedtime for Bozo (Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif.; Stephen Power, Woodbridge) Dunkirk x Boyhood Dream = Mr. Sulu (*Brett Shoelson, Arlington; Dave Zarrow, Reston) Giant Oak x Shafted = Richard Roundtree (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Gluteus Maximus x Advice = CYA (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Gluteus Maximus x They're Late = In Arrears (Mike Hammer, Arlington; Mark Eckenwiler) Gone Astray x Rendezvous = Err I Met You (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria) Hello Broadway x I Want Revenge = Maim (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) Hold Me Back x Gluteus Maximus = Restraining Ordure (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Il Postino x Gone Astray = Went Postale (*Christopher Washburn, Ottawa, Ill.) Il Postino x El Rapido = Oxymoro (Steve Offutt, Arlington) Logic x Affirmatif = Yes We Kant (Jonathan Paul) Jack Spratt x Gluteus Maximus = Jack's Prat (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.; David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Lookn Mighty Fast x Sumo = Lookn Mighty Fat (Sam Laudenslager, Burke) Lyin' Heart x The Big Dunkin = Nope, Not Torture (Mark Eckenwiler) Rocket to the Moon x Gluteus Maximus = Tang N Cheek (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Old Fashioned x Total Gentleman = Chauvinist Pig (*Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) Omniscient x Cribnote = And That's Why (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Poltergeist x Affirmatif = Booyah (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Poltergeist x The Big Dunkin = Creepy Cruller (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Presto Change O x Wise Kid = Abracadabrat (*Barbara Standridge, Alexandria) Precious Package x Rocket to the Moon = Jewels Verne (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Red Wine x Shafted = Pinot Envy (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Remember Mike x Presto Change O = Meet Michelle (Barrett Swink, Annandale) Remember Mike x Red Wine = Forget Mike (Erica Rabbin, Olney) Rendezvous x Logic = Tryst but Verify (Steve Shapiro) Sir Phenomenal x Gluteus Maximus = Good Knight Moon (Ellen Raphaeli) Sir Phenomenal x All the Bases = Sir Pheremonal (Sam Laudenslager) Sneak Peek x Dunkirk = I See France (Roy Ashley, Washington) Sullenberger x Gluteus Maximus = Seat of the Pants (Martin Bancroft) The Big Dunkin x Hold Me Back = Donut Pass Go (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Tiz True x Wat = Surely Temple (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Total Gentleman x Red Wine = Cop a Feel (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Unionize x Party Hard = Wobbly (*Chris Maloof, Philadelphia; Chuck Smith) Wall Street Wonder x Quarter Given = Nickel Returned (Jon Reiser; Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) West Side Bernie x Baryshnikov = A Jeté All the Way (George Vary, Bethesda) Wild Entry x Gone Astray = All We Like Sheep (Pam Sweeney) Next Week: Rock Bottom Lines, or Economic Whoas ====================================================================== WEEK 815, published May 2, 2009 Week 815: Wittecisms Twitteronomy: Book 5 of the iPhone Ultra-Condensed Bible Last Saturday marked yet another Milestone in Brain Cell Waste: The just too perfectly named Tom Witte of Montgomery Village has amassed his 1,000th blot of ink, joining the super-exclusive Double Hall of Fame previously including only Russell Beland and Chris Doyle. It is entirely irrelevant that Chris, Russell and Tom all are or were for many years in the employ of the United States Department of Defense. Tom, who has been entering the Invitational almost without fail since Week 7 in 1993, has gotten ink in 469 contests and has won the whole thing 21 times. But he has a specialty: He's a master of the short-form contest, especially those for neologisms, or word-coining. And so we honor him thus, on the collegial suggestion of Dr. Beland: This week: Create an original word containing -- in any order -- at least a W, an I, two T's and an E, as in the example above, and define it. The five letters don't have to appear next to one another. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets -- to rectify recent complaints that some Invitational prizes are juvenile and tasteless, and not of the caliber of a newspaper that still has no ads on its front page -- the illuminating fine-art-reproduction light switch plate pictured here, donated by 10-time Loser Melissa Yorks of Gaithersburg. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 11. Put "Week 815" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 30. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin d'Eustachio of Beltsville; the revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle of Ponder, Tex. Report from Week 811, in which we asked for signs that the economy has hit rock bottom. Only a few people took that to mean that things had finally started to turn around -- the best of these was from Jim Lubell of Mechanicsville, Md., who said: "After being told for the past two years that my property wasn't worth $%{$181}&*, I'm finally being told that my property IS worth $%{$181}&*." Most everyone else sent jokes along the line of "The economy is so bad that . . ." The Winner of the Inker You go into debt to keep up with the Joads. (John H. Tuohy, Arlington) 2. Al Gore is burning old car tires in his furnace. (JL Strickland, Valley, Ala.) 3. Crate and Barrel starts selling crates and barrels. (David Epstein, Potomac) 4. The Virgin Mary appears in Akron on a loaf of bread, which is immediately eaten. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Splinters From the Bottom of the Barrel: Honorable Mentions The dollar is propped up by an emergency loan from Zimbabwe. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) When waiters at snooty restaurants scrape the crumbs off your table with one of those fancy tools, they ask if you would like a birdie bag. (Roy Ashley, Washington) "I work for the government" is finally a good pickup line in a bar. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) The Petco flier in the Sunday paper has a page of recipes. (Bridget Goodman, Philadelphia) The Republicans can't find anyone rich enough to deserve a tax cut. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) "The Amazing Race" is run entirely in Gaithersburg. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) People in India with broken computers now call here. (Cy Gardner) "Day financiers" hang out in parking lots hoping to get hired for a day of commodities speculation. (Michael Reinemer, Annandale) Mattel is asking for a government bailout for its Hot Wheels division. (JL Strickland) "The Office" replaces highly paid actors with real Dunder Mifflin employees. (Chuck Smith) NASA announces that free meals will no longer be provided on space shuttle flights. (Mike Czuhajewski, Severn) McDonald's introduces the Totally Bummed Out Meal. (Mike Czuhajewski; Toni Gagnon Ross, Alexandria, a First Offender) The Detroit Pistons change the team name to something more geographically accurate, like the Detroit Squeegee Guys. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Mattress companies are making box springs with cash compartments. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Hugh Hefner has to scale back to just twins. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Foreign journalists now throw flip-flops at world leaders. (Lee Dobbins, Arlington) 911 now requires a "convenience charge." (Chuck Smith) Frank McCourt yearns for the good old days. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Your kid's Career Day speakers include a pencil seller, a repo man and a subsistence small-game hunter. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A share of stock in the New York Times costs less than a copy of the New York Times. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) The closing bell on Wall Street was melted down for scrap metal. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) People are actually eating fortune cookies after breaking them open. (Tom Lacombe, Browntown, Va.) In San Francisco, hollow-eyed men are standing in focaccia lines. (Chuck Smith) If you open a bank account, they give you a piece of toast. (Kevin Dopart) The Navy is spending 25 percent of its fuel budget on oars. (Bob Reichenbach, Middletown, Del.) The Five-Second Rule has been changed to 10 for chocolate and pecans. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) A homeowner in Potomac was seen mowing his own lawn. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) A new ad campaign: "Fancy Feast: It's Not Just for Seniors Anymore." (Chad Pridgen, Marshall, Va.) Pink slips must be returned for use by the next laid-off employee. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) And Last: Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives General Motors, donated by Detroit, Michigan (Mike Czuhajewski) Next Week: Rx-Rated Humor, or Doctor My Lies ====================================================================== WEEK 816, published May 9, 2009 Week 816: Googillions Susan Boyle, the latest Pussycat Doll: 4,910,000 hits I want to pay Mayor Barry's taxes: 1,510,000 hits Marriage is between a Republican and a Republican: 15,900,000 hits We've done a contest for Googlewhacks -- phrases that generate one Google hit. We've done Googlenopes -- phrases that generate no Google hits. Now, per the suggestion of Inexorably Climbing Toward the Hall of Fame Loser Kevin Dopart, we're heading cautiously in the other direction. This week: Come up with an original phrase that generates at least 1 million listings on a Google search, as in the examples above. We don't want you to send in someone else's witty remark that's spread to a million Web sites. We're looking instead for something originally funny, ironic or at least remarkable in that it generates so many hits. To accomplish this feat, it's best not to use quotation marks around the phrase you're searching for -- it's fine (better!) if your phrase doesn't show up on the Google hits. The Empress just has to be able to feed your words into Google and see that two-comma number atop the page of search results. Note: While it's not easy to come up with great entries for this contest, it is distressingly easy to come up with meh entries for this contest. So: Do not submit more than 25 entries. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fine volume that, if you hold your finger over one letter in the title, looks as if it's called "The Big As Book of Jokes." It's, well, a big book of jokes that actually are pretty mild; some of them wouldn't be out of place in Boys' Life. Donated jointly by Big Losers Beverley Sharp and Mae Scanlan. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or -- it's back! -- a Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 18. Put "Week 816" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Beverley Sharp; the revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle. Report From Week 812, in which we asked for "fictoids" relating to medicine and the human body. We were shocked, shocked (see next week's results) that many of the entries were scatological in nature! One clever entry, from Barry Koch of Catlett, Va., didn't qualify for this contest because it was just too true: Smoking three or more packs of cigarettes a day IS a proven way to prevent aging. The Winner of the Inker Contrary to claims by some scientists, hair is not dead. It just has a high threshold of pain. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) 2. the winner of the book of paper dolls of the George H.W. Bush family: It takes twice as many muscles to make an armpit fart as it does an actual one. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) 3. The reason your fingernails keep growing after you die is just in case you have to scratch your way out of the coffin. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) 4. In the Southern Hemisphere, eating beans makes you belch. (Charlie Wood, Falls Church) These Only Hurt a Little: Honorable Mentions Extreme halitosis sometimes necessitates the removal of the hal. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Doctors make you sit on wax paper because they are required to keep a tracing of your butt cheeks for their files. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Holding in flatulence during an airplane flight can cause your intestines to explode. (The risk is even higher on the space shuttle, which is why astronauts are required to fart every 30 minutes.) (Melissa Yorks, sent from Milan, Italy) The human eye cannot distinguish between cordovan and burnt umber. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Before oral thermometers were invented, all temperatures were taken with written thermometers. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Blindness can be caused by shaking your hand vigorously. (Art Grinath) The two participants in any happy, long-term relationship -- married or not, straight or gay -- will have virtually the same number of [well, let's say "nostril"] hairs. (Couples who discover that their numbers don't match: Think about it: How happy are you, really?) (Michael Kilby, Wildau, Germany) A buffed coat of earwax on sterling silver will keep it tarnish-free. (Peter Boice, Rockville) Only 2 percent of people can touch their noses with their tongues, but almost twice as many can touch other people's noses. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The length of a person's pinkie toe is equal to the length of his or her uvula, and in an emergency they can be interchanged. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Breast implants correlate to lower IQ: The bigger the implants, the dumber the man attracted to them. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) A mixture of Screaming Bubbles and green tea makes an excellent laxative as well as an effective oven cleaner. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) If you burp, sneeze and fart simultaneously, there is an 80 percent chance that your son will say, "Hey, Dad, can you do that again?" (Jean Stewart, Washington, a First Offender) The speculum was originally used as a "harsh interrogation" device. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn) Medical researchers still cannot determine why pigs, which are 100 percent pork, never suffer from high cholesterol. (J.L. Strickland, Valley, Ala.) Even though separated by a great distance, an identical twin has been known to develop gas when the other twin eats beans. (J.L. Strickland) Liver spots are so named because they exude a faint aroma of chicken liver. (Stephen Dudzik) If you laid all of the arteries, arterioles, capillaries, venules and veins in your body end to end, you'd die. (Martin Heath, Wenatchee, Wash., a First Offender; Ben Schwalb, Severna Park) Shaving for 30 or more years leads to the graying of one's beard. (Dean Evangelista, Rockville) Three crushed cloves of raw garlic, taken orally, make an effective contraceptive. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio) Children have an adhesive substance below their epidermis, so that when a child ingests any liquid, a layer of sticky slime immediately spreads over his hands and arms. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Before tonsils evolved, early man could not yodel. (Chuck Smith) It is now considered unnecessary to wait 45 minutes after eating to go swimming. Scientific studies now show that 38 minutes is plenty. (Ben Schwalb) Forty percent of frostbite victims who have lost their toes suffer from phantom lint. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Despite the various images in public service ads, your brain on drugs most closely resembles a lava lamp. (Russell Beland) Within a month of being buried, all human eyeballs look true north. (Jeff Brechlin) In many animal species, the only difference between males and females is that the females have long eyelashes. -- W. Disney, Magic Kingdom (Mike Fransella, Arlington) Next Week: Aw, Shocks or Fakin' by Surprise ONLINE DISCUSSION: Have a question about this week's contest? Or just want to talk about the Invitational in general? Join the new discussion group The Style Conversational, at washingtonpost.com/styleconversational. The Empress will weigh in with comments and replies during the week, and non-Empresses may talk among themselves. ====================================================================== WEEK 817, published May 16, 2009 Week 817: Flopflip Alefem: St. Pauli Girl. Le Ma: A more polite use of a term for "mother" to define a nasty man. Kingban: No job for you, Mr. Ex-Hotshot Financier. Oboyoboyoboy, a neologism contest we've never done before! This idea is from the unstoppable Loser Kevin Dopart, and it's wonderfully simple: This week: Reverse the first half and second half of a word or name and define the result, as in the examples above. Count the letters, not the syllables, to determine the halfway point. For words with an odd number of letters, you can tag the middle one onto your choice of halves. We don't want to make it an out-and-out rule, but the Empress has a hunch that the definitions in most of the inking entries will relate in some way to the original words. You can hyphenate the word or break it into two words. Send no more than 25 entries: If it turns out to be a great contest, we'll run it again. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, thanks to Zack Beland and his father, Biggest Loser Ever Russell, a nifty book called "Paper Airplanes With Dollar Bills," with instructions on making same. If you're going to throw your money away, why not have it do a smart loop-de-loop first? Currency not included: We are nondenominational here at the Invitational Palace. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, May 26. Put "Week 817" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Mark Eckenwiler; the revised title for next week's results was submitted by both Ed Gordon and Russell Beland. Report From Week 813, in which we asked for jokes in the basic form of "I was shocked, shocked that [non-shocking thing]". This contest proved a wee bit problematic (i.e., sucky), despite many valiant Loserly efforts. The Empress caused confusion in the first place: The original source she cited, from "Casablanca," was a line brimming with wink-wink cynical sarcasm, while the illustrated example for the contest was of the naive-ignorance blonde-joke genre. The Losers diligently sent in both types; the cynical entries, unfortunately, often tended toward what we call the screedy: so passionate and bitter that the poor li'l humor just didn't have a chance. The Winner of the Inker I'm shocked, shocked to learn that teenagers think smoking makes them look cool -- rather than making them look like sophisticated adults who happen to be affluent and attractive. -- Joe Camel, Winston-Salem, N.C. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge) 2. the winner of the two cans of Pocari Sweat energy drink: I'm shocked, shocked to learn that, despite the signs that say "full body massage," the women working there mostly concentrate on one small, er, I mean, particular part of the body. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 3. I was shocked, shocked to discover, while conducting an independent investigation into unsavory activities in our town, that my neighbor is a hypocrite who goes to strip clubs, particularly the one where Brandi does that special dance at 11:30 almost every Wednesday. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 4. I was shocked, shocked when my wife's fantasy of a threesome involved three different people than mine did. (Charles Koelbel, Houston) Sous-Prizes: Honorable Mentions I started using Twitter and I was shocked, SHOCKED, to learn that it has a limit of 140 characters! Goodness, how does one ever finish a tho (John Bunyan, Cincinnati) I'm shocked that women can talk to men without visualizing us naked. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) I turned on Fox News hoping to see a hottie or two, and yecch -- you should call it Hog and Weasel news! (Chad Pridgen, Marshall, Va.) I was shocked, shocked to learn that California's mania for all things natural doesn't tend to include hair or breasts. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) I was shocked when I found out I didn't have to practice, practice, practice to get to Carnegie Hall. I just took a cab up Seventh Avenue. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) I was shocked, shocked how many people there are in other countries who don't understand English, even when it's shouted. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I was shocked, shocked to find that the first person I met in Petersburg, Va., was female. (George Smith, Frederick) I ws shokt 2 lrn th Mprss ddnt wanna rn a txtng cntst Bcuz sh ddnt thnk NE1 wd wanna rd it (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) I was shocked to discover that partisan politics could survive the last election! -- James Carville (Russell Beland) I was shocked to learn that that there are Farsi editions of Bette Midler albums! -- Mahmoud A., Tehran (Kevin Dopart, Washington) I was shocked to learn that "Toy Story 2" was not based on a true story, like the first one. (Russell Beland) I was shocked to realize that Obama still hasn't been able to find a place in the administration for John Edwards. (Russell Beland) I was shocked that the Nationals game didn't sell out, even with the Tony Williams bobblehead promotion. (Kevin Dopart) I'm flabbergasted that the morning-after pill didn't cure my hangover. (Chris Doyle) After seeing all the videos on the Internet, I was really disappointed in my trip to Hilton Head. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) I was shocked when I went to see "Casablanca" for the fourth time and still never heard Humphrey Bogart say, "Play it again, Sam." (John O'Byrne, Dublin) I was shocked, shocked by what the police did after I told them where they could stick their damn Taser! (Steven Amter, Washington, a First Offender) I'm shocked, shocked that I wasn't. -- B. Franklin (Kevin Dopart) I'm shocked, shocked not to find gambling in this establishment! -- M. O'Malley, Annapolis (Sam Engel, Columbia, a First Offender) I was shocked, shocked to discover, while hacking into the e-mail accounts of a few other Style Invitational contestants, that some of these people will do anything to get ink. (Roy Ashley) Next Week: There Will Be Bloodline, or Foal Me Twice ====================================================================== WEEK 818, published May 23, 2009 Week 818: Name the Day February is Sinus Pain Awareness Month: For those who aren't aware their sinuses hurt. On this Memorial Day weekend, we celebrate a holiday that brings forth a mix of emotions, from sorrow to gratitude to the joy of the imminent summer. On the other hand, the host of other "special" days, weeks and months determined by various interests -- National Oatmeal Month, say, or National Mole Day -- prove most inspiring in their potential for mockery. Ta-da! This week: Cite an actual holiday or one of these silly commemorative days, weeks or months for which you can find previous evidence, and supply a snarky description or slogan. There are fruitful lists online at http://emotionscards.com/locations.html and http://aware.easilyamused.org, but we'll accept other finds as well, especially if you can point the Empress toward your source. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a pack of genuine $3 bills depicting John Kerry with his finger up his nose and, on the back, the Eiffel Tower, in some sort of right-wing screedy humor presumably dating from 2004. Donated by the never-screedy Beverley Sharp. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 1. Put "Week 818" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 20. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Russell Beland. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart; the revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte. Report From Week 814, in which we asked you to breed "grandfoals" from the winning horse names from Week 810. Another year, another outstanding crop, although it must be conceded that many excellent entries referred to the, er, digestive system. (See a lengthy list of foals "sired" by Restraining Ordure online at http://www.washingtonpost.com/styleconversational.) The Winners of the Inker Criminal in Tent x Lookn Mighty Fat = Osama Been Lardin' (Jennifer Rubio, Oakton; Lois Douthitt, Arlington, a First Offender) 2. the winner of the can of horse-shaped chocolates and the souvenir Kentucky Derby glass: Mr. Sulu x Cop a Feel = The Final Frotteur (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) 3. Moonlight Snotter x And That's Why = The Keys Stick (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) 4. Misha Impossible x Pinot Envy = No Vin Situation (Tony Arancibia, Falls Church, a First Offender) And They're Off: Honorable Mentions Abracadabrat x Chauvinist Pig = David Copafeel (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Abracadabrat x Don Larceny = Robin Hoodini (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) An Aye for an Aye x Buttinski = Annoy for Annoy (Chris Doyle) And That's Why x In Arrears = Raison D'ebt (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) And That's Why x I Saw France = PatentLeatherShoes (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Boston Scrod x Criminal in Tent = Mass. Murder (Jan Brandstetter, Mechanicsville, Md.) Buttinski x Nope, Not Torture = Just a Colonoscopy (John Kustka, Prince Frederick) Chauvinist Pig x Cop a Feel = Lose a Hand (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Criminal in Tent x Lookn Mighty Fat = Criminal in Muumuu (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Cop a Feel x Nope, Not Torture = Nice Rack (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville; Mark Eckenwiler) Creepy Cruller x Cop a Feel = Mister, DoNot! (Pam Freedman, McLean) Creepy Cruller x Dentist the Menace = Lil Shop of Ho Hos (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Criminal in Tent x One Nightstand = Aidin' N Abeddin' (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) CYA x I See France = VPL (Andrew Hoenig) CYA x Surely Temple = Keep Your Pantheon (Mark Eckenwiler) Dead Giveaway x A Jeté All the Way = Corpse de Ballet (Jonathan Paul) Dentist the Menace x Nope, Not Torture = Drill, Bybee, Drill (Chris Doyle) Dentist the Menace x Sherman's Lagoon = Jaws (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Don Larceny x Criminal in Tent = Stealing Home (Sam Laudenslager, Burke; Bob Reichenbach, Middletown, Del.) Donut Pass Go x Sociopathetique = Eclair de Loon (Chad Pridgen, Marshall, Va.) Fly Me a River x Sociopathetique = In Seine (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney; Pam Sweeney) In Arrears x Good Knight Moon = Goodbye House (Harvey Smith, McLean) In Arrears x Wobbly = Inner Ears (Bill Smith, Bethesda, a First Offender) Jewels Verne x Creepy Cruller = 20,000 Legs (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Jewels Verne x Pinot Envy = Pearls Before Wine (Christopher Lamora, Arlington; Kevin Dopart, Washington) Knight Who Says NY x In Arrears = Booty Giuliani (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) Knight Who Says NY x Moonlight Snotter = NY Quil (Carol Ann Linder, Arlington, a First Offender) Knight Who Says NY x Maim = Saxon Violence (Kathy Hardis Fraeman) Knight Who Says NY x I See France = Sir Glancealot (Jonathan Paul; Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Kona Silence x Lookn Mighty Fat = Java the Hutt (Stephen Gilberg, Washington) Kwai Baby x Lookn Mighty Fat = Guinness Stout (Harvey Smith; Rick Haynes, Potomac; Mae Scanlan, Washington) Lookn Mighty Fat x Dentist the Menace = Drew Caries (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) Lookn Mighty Fat x CYA = Retire That Speedo (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) Lookn Mighty Fat x Chauvinist Pig = Bulk Male (Mark Eckenwiler) Maim x Pinot Envy = John Wine Bobbitt (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.; Beryl Benderly, Washington) Maim x Fly Me a River = Cripple Creek (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Meet Michelle x Fly Me a River = FLOTUS (Harvey Smith) Nickel Returned x Buttinski = Hindquarters (Emily Contompasis, Ashburn, a First Offender) Nope, Not Torture x And That's Why = Because I Said So -- R. Cheney, Undisclosed (Russell Beland; Jeff Loren, Manassas, a First Offender) One Nightstand x Wobbly = Mr. ED (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Pinot Envy x I See France = Burg-undies (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Restraining Ordure x Creepy Cruller = Dung N Donuts (Dave Zarrow, Reston) Restraining Ordure x Criminal in Tent = Public Enema No. 2 (Chris Doyle) Sir Pheromonal x Misha Impossible = Secrete Agent (Kevin Dopart) Sociopathetique x Meet Michelle = The Unobama (Chris Doyle) Yes We Kant x Bedtime for Bozo = Categorical Imp (Kevin Dopart) Forget Mike x And That's Why = No Ink Again (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) Next Week: Wittecisms, or Tominology Style Conversational online entries: Restraining Ordure x Jewels Verne = Binding Nemo (Andrew Hoenig) Knight Who Says NY x Restraining Ordure = Doody Giuliani (Andrea Kelly) Fly Me A River x Restraining Ordure = Gotta Let Go (Jim Newman) Surely Temple x Restraining Ordure = GoodShipLollipoop (Rick Haynes) Surely Temple x Restraining Ordure = GoodShitLollipop (Roy Ashley) Restraining Ordure x Seat of the Pants = Runs for the Roses (Peter Metrinko) One Nightstand x Restraining Ordure = Table's Craps (Stephen Gilberg) Abracadabrat x Restraining Ordure = Voodoodoo (Mae Scanlan) Restraining Ordure x I see France = Mon Dieu-Dieu (Barry Koch) In Arrears x Restraining Ordure = Passed Doo (Pam Sweeney) Restraining Ordure x CYA = Dungarees (Mae Scanlan) Restraining Ordure x Tang N Cheek = Diaper Rash (Tom Witte) Restraining Ordure x Bedtime for Bozo = No Sheet (Ellen Raphaeli) Restraining Ordure x Pinot Envy = Crapulous (Harvey Smith) Jewels Verne x Restraining Ordure = Jasper Johns (Harvey Smith) Restraining Ordure x Kona Silence = Omerda (Harvey Smith) Restraining Ordure x All We Like Sheep= Poobaa (Ellen Raphaeli) Mr. Sulu x Restraining Ordure = Spock Piles (Kevin Dopart) Restraining Ordure x In Arrears = Irregularity (Kevin Dopart) Don Larceny x Restraining Ordure = No Shitter (Chuck Smith) Surely Temple x Restraining Ordure = The Little Colon (Chris Doyle) Mr. Sulu x Restraining Ordure = Starfleet Enema (Chris Doyle) Restraining Ordure x An Eye for an Aye = Montezumas Revenge (Chris Doyle) Restraining Ordure x CYA = Paper Moon (Mark Eckenwiler) Criminal in Tent x Restraining Ordure = Con Stipated (Mike Hammer) Restraining Ordure x One Night Stand= Turd Base (Phyllis Reinhard) Richard Roundtree x Restraining Ordure = Richard the Turd (Mae Scanlan) Dead Giveaway x Restraining Ordure = Inturd (Mae Scanlan; Ellen Raphaeli) Restraining Ordure x Kona Silence = Taciturd (Tom Witte) Restraining Ordure x Nope, Not Torture = The Turd Degree (Chris Doyle) And ... Knight Who Says NY x Restraining Ordure = Turdy Turd & Turd (Rick Haynes) ====================================================================== WEEK 819, published May 30, 2009 Week 819: Art Re View These objects are not what they seem to be, at first glance. They are something else entirely. What are they? (When we did a contest like this the first time, in 2001, numerous entrants wrote in to inform us that the drawings depicted a stick of butter, a keyhole, etc.) Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, from Thailand, a three-pack of Pee Bag "disposable in-car mini-toilet," donated by 84-time Loser Larry Yungk, who thinks you should notice that there is no hyphen between "disposable" and "in-car." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 1. Put "Week 819" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name was sent in by lots of people; the revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle. Report From Week 815, in which we honored Loser Tom Witte and his 1,000 blots of ink with his favorite kind of contest, neologisms -- and this one was for words containing a W, an I, two T's and an E. Not surprisingly, Tom himself churned out entries for this contest by the dozen, even from the remote mountaintop where he was hiking: 179 in all, and many were terrific. By the way, his name is pronounced, natch, Witty. The Winner of the Inker Wattleship: A seniors cruise. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 2. winner of the light switch plate featuring a picture of Michelangelo's sculpture of David: Iwishsetter: Imaginary best friend. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) 3. Twinebriated: Seeing double. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) 4. Westwingnut: A president you didn't vote for. (Mark Eichorn, Arlington, a First Offender) Half Wittes: Honorable Mentions Twentiming: Keeping 19 mistresses. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Trystworthiness: The degree to which someone can be counted on not to kiss and tell. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Whactivate: How to get your old TV to work. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Retrowitted: Thought of a clever comeback too late, but included it when recounting the incident to someone else. (Tom Witte) Twilite: Sunset over Los Angeles. (Janet Lacey, Arlington) Twitterboarded: Drowned in tweets. (Peter Segall, Arlington, a First Offender) Weltiest: Richest person in Brooklyn (Vic Krysko, Suratthani, Thailand) Whineternet: The blogosphere. (Tom Witte) Tightwed: To get married in the Costco parking lot and invite the guests to nosh on the free samples. (Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.) Tithewad: Someone who skimps at the collection plate. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly; Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Typewrither: Carpal tunnel victim. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Mittwife: a person specially equipped to deliver very large babies. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Bidwetting: Excessive reaction to winning an auction on eBay. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Muttwipes: Moistened towelettes for the fastidious dog walker. (Chris Doyle) Stwiptease: Dance performed by Gypsy Rose Fudd. (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) E-twit: Anyone who can't be bothered to read the messages I send, even though it should be obvious that they're important, what with their arriving every 10 minutes or so. (Russell Beland) E-twit: Fw:Fw: Fw:Fw: Fw:Fw: Fw:Fw: Fw:Fw: Fw:Fw: Fw:Fw: Fw:Fw: Fw:Fw: Fw:Fw: Fw:Fw: Fw:Fw: Fw: Fw:Fw: Fw:Fw:Fw: LOL, OMG!!! (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) Bawdysitter: A nice lady who'll take care of you. (Tom Witte) Weight-Out: If only there were this kind of correction fluid! (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Kwitter: Someone who finally wises up to the fact that nobody's waiting breathlessly for a bulletin about what he's having for lunch. (Craig Dykstra) Intewition: The sneaking suspicion that you're going to lose the spelling bee. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Toiletdew: A euphemism for seat splatter. (Kevin Dopart) Dweebilitate: To give someone a wedgie. (Tom Witte) Twitterocracy: The rule of thumbs. (JL Strickland, Valley, Ala.) Witteboarded: Tortured by incessant punning. (JL Strickland; Dave Prevar) Tri-twenties: What sexagenarians like to be called these days. (Tom Witte) Taupe-White: The $5 special at the tanning salon. (Russell Beland) Notwinter: In Minnesota, the season consisting of July and August. (Pam Sweeney) Cryptwriter: Obituary reporter. (Craig Dykstra) www.ItTastesLikeChicken.org: The definitive authority on weird meats. (Russell Beland) Wetti: The Abominable Rainman. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Winkette: Sarah Palin's new political blog. (Chris Doyle) Two-tired: How your wife feels after the second child is born ("Sorry, honey, I'm just two-tired"). (Anne Paris, Arlington) Counterwait: Mechanism that guarantees every elevator is on the 20th floor when you're on the first. (Russ Taylor) Swine tots: Pork McNuggets. (Chris Doyle) Titlewax: Cosmetic repairs to that junker you're trying to unload. (D.L. Williams, Rockville) Acqwitted: Found innocent of any sense of humor. (Tom Murphy, Bowie) Theirwithal: A pile of other people's money (see bailout). (Craig Dykstra) Louisvuittowne: Where the bag people in Beverly Hills live. (Russ Taylor) Bittershrew: What your wife will turn into if she doesn't get a diamond tennis bracelet. -- R. Mervis, Washington (Pam Sweeney) Next Week: Googillions, or Cache Phrases ====================================================================== WEEK 820, published June 6, 2009 Week 820: Be Mister Language Person Dear Mister Language Person: At restaurants, I often order the soup du jour. My question is, what is "jour"? A. It is a French word meaning "bat spleens." Q. Please explain the correct usage of the phrase "real good success." A. It is used in sports broadcasting to connote that somebody has had an unusual amount of good success, and it should always be followed by the phrase "Boy, I'll say." For example: Announcer: This Gomez has had real good success hitting the ball. Color Person: Boy, I'll say. Q. What is the function of parentheses? A. Parentheses are used to include information that helps the reader understand the sentence better: Confusing: "Former president Nixon says he feels 'no bitterness' toward his former political enemies." Clearer: "Former president Nixon says he feels 'no bitterness' toward his former political enemies. (What a liar!)" Q. Like many people, I am troubled by the part of "Humpty Dumpty" that goes: "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again." Why does it mention horses? Does anybody seriously believe that if a bunch of horses saw a giant egg broken into pieces, their response would be: "Hey! Let's try to reassemble this!"? A. You have given this a lot of thought. This week we pay homage to (i.e., fill space by stealing at length from) some guy named Dave Barry, who used to write funny things for newspapers every week, and still might subscribe to one (he remains a dog owner, after all). Dave also did a valuable service for many years by edifying the semiliterate public with his "Ask Mister Language Person" columns, whose Q's and A's are excerpted above. This week: Supply a Mister Language Person-type question and answer. Mister Dave Barry himself will choose the winners from among the finalists. Note that sometimes there's a straight question with the joke entirely in the answer; sometimes the joke's almost entirely in the question; and sometimes both ends are funny, like a baboon's. We'll consider all types. Winner gets (besides the Approbation of Dave) the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a high-fashion off-the-shoulder jersey-style dress, right, handmade with great care and detail from two Loser T-shirts by 40-time Loser Barbara Turner of Takoma Park, who models it here. Barbara has also added some Chinese lettering that labels the wearer as "game-losing people." Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 15. Put "Week 820" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested in the Style Conversational discussion group by Jeff Contompasis (who also penned this week's Honorable Mentions name) and by the anonymous "katmandu1"; the revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland. Report From Week 816, in which we asked you to send original sentences or phrases that, when submitted to the Google search engine, would generate at least 1 million hits. Well, we learned a few things pretty quickly -- but not quickly enough -- about Googling. We'd known from the start that, even if the phrase is submitted without quotation marks, the same set of words in a different order would generate varying numbers of hits: "John, Paul, George and Ringo" (but not in quotes) got 367,000, while, oddly, "George, John, Paul and Ringo" brought forth 522,000 (within quotes the numbers were 58,000 and 363). So far, so good. Part of the game. What we didn't know was that the exact set of words, submitted at different times, would get wildly varying numbers of hits. The example for this contest, "Susan Boyle, the latest Pussycat Doll," got 4,910,000 hits when we checked it on May 5; on May 11, Loser Jeff Contompasis reported on The Style Conversational that it had coughed up a mere 206,000. On June 4 it's up to 2,230,000. So we're using the honor system for some of the phrases below. The Google inconsistency was only one reason that numerous Losers reported hating this contest. They also found it hard to produce much funny stuff. Hence the short list of results and the nice big chunk of Dave Barry. The Winner of the Inker The world welcomes Twitter Palin. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 2. the winner of the fairly wholesome joke book with the mildly off-color title: Trump has the same hair on his behind. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) 3. It's our biggest sale ever since last week's sale. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) 4. Put me on the Call Me at Dinner list. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Million-to-1 Shots: Honorable Mentions Have you had your autopsy yet? (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Does a girlfriend in Second Life still count? (Jacob Aldridge, Gaythorne, Australia) This is NOT why I invented the Internet. -- Al Gore (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) I know meh when I see it. (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) My stimulus package came with, you know, no stimulus thing. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Some men have one extra, others one too few. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) The Benefits of Tooth Decay (Rick Haynes) You can lower your own IQ. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Obama Administration Bails Out Obama Administration (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) And we loved with a love that was more than a love, I and my Robert E. Lee. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) We really need more sarcasm in our lives. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) It's Talk Like a Somali Pirate Day! (Kevin Dopart) Post Points helped me find true love!: 1,070,000 hits (Jon Grantham, University Park) The day after today is the next day of the rest of your life. (Chris Doyle) Almost Last: The only Google I like is Barney. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Also Almost Last: I need that Inker . . . for a friend. (Dave Zarrow) And Last-Last: This may be the worst contest ever if you need to use this. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Next Week: Flopflips, or Split Definitives ====================================================================== WEEK 821, published June 13, 2009 Week 821: Spit the Difference An elderly Labrador retriever is like Saturn: Both take about 29 years to take a walk around the neighborhood. -- Maraschino cherries on a hamburger -- The entire nation of Latvia -- A Buckingham Palace guard -- An elderly Labrador retriever -- Third base at Nationals Park -- The redesigned Facebook home page -- One Somali pirate -- Six Somali pirates -- A poison ivy vine -- The 2012 presidential campaign -- Saturn -- Someone named Kaytlynne -- The Social Security number of Todd Davis, CEO of LifeLock -- 24 straight games of Tetris Once again, a random list of items drawn from a handy collection of warped cranial matter. This week: How are any of the items on the list above alike or different? Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives four denture-shaped ice cube molds, discourtesy of Adam and Russell Beland. "No one will 'accidentally' take your beverage again," the package promises. It cries out for new cocktail names: the molartini? Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 22. Put "Week 821" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 11. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name was submitted by both John O'Byrne and Michael Reinemer; the revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland. Report From Week 817, in which we asked you to split a word exactly in half (the middle letter of an odd-numbered word could be assigned to either half); reverse the order of the halves; and define the resulting word. As predicted, the best Flopflips were related in some way to the original word. Note that the hyphen in this week's winning word isn't where it Flopflipped. The Winner of the Inker OMG-lo: Chat-speak to describe a lack of excitement in life. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) 2. the winner of the book "Paper Airplanes With Dollar Bills": Juanamari: A slurred, later regretted proposal uttered while under the influence. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 3. Chopsy: Norman Bates's childhood nickname. (Brett Shoelson, Arlington) 4. Bleca!: Common sound of revulsion upon reading 500 channels' worth of TV listings. (John C. Feltz, Fairborn, Ohio) Ablenot: Honorable Mentions Gerswin: Composer of many overtures. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Roombar: Cleaning robot that circles randomly before losing its contents in the corner. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Le tab: The only thing presented at a three-star French restaurant that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Merecash: The difference between a sweater and a really nice sweater. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Inpa: the dad who brags that he's "jiggy with that." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Agegarb: What a 15-year-old wears to look older and a 35-year-old wear to look younger, and both end up looking skanky. (Kelley Bielewicz, Newark, Del., a First Offender) Act-red: To do Soviet-style editing. (Hugh Pullen, Vienna) Icantmend: A laid-off tailor reduced to panhandling. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Herenow: A backwater that claims to have "arrived," when it's touting its classy new seafood restaurant, Red Lobster. (Brendan Beary) Dow-win: A breath of fresh air. (Marsha Harvey, Falls Church, a First Offender) Dupoisavoir: An appreciation for Rubenesque women. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio) Eymon: Traditional greeting by a Jamaican panhandler. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Ackbar: the point at which right-wing hatemongers choke on their own bile. (Kelley Bielewicz) Flypop: Common occurrence at the annual Playboy Bunny Softball Tournament. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) FUSECON: The new military effort to combine DEFCON and REDCON statuses. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) Gagemort: A loan carefully calculated to be paid off just before you die. (Jim Newman, Luray, Va.) He's: Not what you think he is. (Jacob Aldridge, Gaythorne, Australia) Icpub: A seedy bar known for its crabs. (Steve Offutt) Inbra: Where a guy's mind goes when he sees a hot chick. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) Cess-suc: The current state of your once-thriving business. (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.) Koldcuc: To strike another with the lowest blow of all. (Tom Witte) Lardol: A government-issued stimulant made with pork. (Stephen Donnelly, Falls Church, a First Offender) Hermot: Woman who stays home, never goes anywhere, never does anything, just takes care of her rotten ungrateful kids. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Insta: Spot on a child's clothing that appears immediately upon being donned. (Randy Lee, Burke) Tonbut: Someone who's about to bust his britches. (Gary A. Clements, Bethesda) Mode.com: Your online source for fine bathroom furnishings. (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) Ivan Min: Feckless brother of "The Terrible"; lives in the Moscow suburbs with his wife, three kids and dog. (Craig Dykstra) Type-T: A chronic nitpicker. (Craig Dykstra) Racylite: Porn for Beginning Readers. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) Risesurp: The bile that fills your throat when something totally nasty suddenly occurs. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Sippi-missis: Old Man River's alcoholic wife. (Kelley Bielewicz) Sure Lei: Vacation in Hawaii. (William Bradford, Washington; Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Bierflab: We're gonna need a bigger casket. (Chris Doyle) Uretort: "Water" boarding. (Patty Hardee, Flint Hill, Va., a First Offender) Toostat: Hasty decisions with a permanent impact. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Ensenons: Meaningless flipflopped words. (Dave Prevar) Ink BO: Loser pheromones. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) Test-con: Getting away with a pseudonymous entry. (Inkev Artdop, Kuzcek, Kazakhstan) Le Sty: Where your "amusing" entries really belong. (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) And Last: Lastand: A final, feeble, futile effort. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Next Week: Name the Day, or Mock Your Calendars ====================================================================== WEEK 822, published June 20, 2009 Week 822: For Real Folks Suburban Male Cuisine: Backyard cooking with flamethrowers, arc welders and explosives. This week the Mall plays host to the annual Smithsonian Folklife Festival, formerly the Festival of American Folklife. There's sure to be a delightful variety of performances, demonstrations and food that celebrate our country's (and selected others') quainter traditions. But it can include only so much. This week: Suggest some attractions for a Festival of Real American Folklife, as in the example above by Loser Peter Metrinko, who suggested this contest. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets Mustard Marvin, a nifty bottle topper. Squeeze on the bottle and out oozes the viscous yellow stuff from the monster's mouth. Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 29, at midnight wherever you are. Put "Week 822" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte; the revised title for next week's contest is by Mike Ostapiej. Report From Week 818, in which we asked for slogans not only for real holidays but also for those commemorative days, weeks and months ginned up by various interest groups. The Winner of the Inker Mother Goose Day (May 1): When keeping in touch is more than just a phone call. (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) 2. the winner of the pack of screedy right-wing John Kerry $3 bills: Positive Attitude Month (October): Right, like it's going to do any good. (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Md.) 3. International Day for the Eradication of Poverty (Oct. 17): Tomorrow, we'll take care of racism. (Charles Koelbel, Houston) 4. National Accordion Awareness Month (June): Brought to you by the Society Opposed to Being Told to Shut the Hell Up. (Dan Steinberg, Silver Spring) A Calendar Packed With Play Dates: Honorable Mentions National Fruitcake Toss Day (Jan. 3): You are not required to eat it first. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Women's Self-Empowerment Week (Jan. 5-11): I'm going to let my wife participate. You should, too. (Russell Beland, Fairfax; Charles Koelbel) Cut Your Energy Costs Day (Jan. 10): Turn your Pepco bill into a snowflake. (Ben Aronin, Washington) Senior Women's Travel Month (January): It's time for old bags to pack new bags. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Better Business Communication Day (Jan. 22): Actualize an impactful dialogue sea change. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Bread Machine Baking Month (January): Feb. 1: Take Your Baked Bread Machine to the Dump Day. (M.C. Dornan, Scottsdale, Ariz.; Craig Dykstra) Wave Your Fingers Day (February 2007): Part of Exercise for the Obese Week. (Craig Dykstra) National Potato Lover's Month (February): Please dispose of potato after using. (Craig Dykstra) International Mother Language Day (Feb. 21): And I suppose that if everyone else were celebrating it, you would too? (Charles Koelbel) World Thinking Day (Feb. 22): Beats World Doing Something Day. (Charles Koelbel) Ethics Awareness Month (March): Strictly speaking, it's just "awareness" of, not "actually acting" on. (Russell Beland) Community Service Month (April): Go on, get arrested for DUI -- it's for a good cause. (M.C. Dornan) Save the Rhino Day (May 1): In a few years, those horns will be worth even more. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) World Press Freedom Day (May 3): Brought to you by the Polyester Institute. (Charles Koelbel) Hug Your Cat Day (May 29): Held in conjunction with Visit Your Emergency Room Month. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Fireworks Safety Month (June): We get this one out of the way in June so you can let loose in July. (Russell Beland; Steve Power, Woodbridge) Adopt-a-Cat Month (June): Coming this November: Abandon a Cat Because It's No Longer a Cute Little Kitten Month. (Russell Beland) Take Your Pet to Work Day (June 26): Unless you work at a slaughterhouse. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City; Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Doghouse Repairs Month (July): For those whose calendars omitted their spouses' birthdays. (Vicki Sullivan, Washington) Anxiety Day (July 5): Today could be the first day of the rest of your life; then again, it could be the last. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Cow Appreciation Day (July 15): Tipping encouraged. (Craig Dykstra) National Recovery Month (August): National Covery Month was such a hit, we're doing it again. (Russell Beland) Waffle Week (Aug. 31-Sept. 6): Well, National Waffle Week is Sept. 6-12. And National Waffle Day is Aug. 23 -- we just can't settle on one date . . . (Angela Gonsorcik, Alexandria, a First Offender) Organic Harvest Month (September): Not to be confused with National Organ and Tissue Donor Awareness Month. (J. McCray, Hyattsville, a First Offender) Pain Awareness Month (September): It's the pain you aren't aware of that hurts the most. (Tom Murphy, Bowie) Patriot Day (Sept. 11): Tap a neighbor's phone. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Felt Hat Day (Sept. 15): Not as meaningful as Felt Blouse Day, but less likely to get you arrested. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) National White Chocolate Day (Sept. 23): For people who dislike chocolate in their chocolate. (Lee Dobbins, Arlington) National Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October): Why should we continue importing violence from China? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Columbus Day (Oct. 12): When descendants of indigenous peoples celebrate their discovery of European sailors. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Disarmament Week (Oct. 24 -30): You first. (Michael Turner, Takoma Park, a First Offender) Human Rights Day (Dec. 10): A day of protest against the Klingons. (Charles Koelbel) National Fraud Awareness Week (several): Requires a $50 awareness fee. (Don Kirkpatrick) Next Week: Art Re-View, or Who's Your Dada? ====================================================================== WEEK 823, published June 27, 2009 Week 823: Wryku Gotta get us some Ping-Pyongyang diplomacy: Kim Jong Il has nukes. It's really pretty much the Twitter contest everyone's been asking for, with an extra challenge. This week: Compose a humorous (or at least wry or clever) haiku -- which, for the purposes of this contest (don't write in to complain that we're misusing the term), we'll define as a three-line poem with five syllables in the first line, seven in the second line and five in the third -- on any subject that's been in the news lately. You may add a title to it. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a package of 20 It's Happy Bunny "happy sticks" of incense, "because your room smells like butt." It does not promise what your room will smell like after burning the incense: presumably less buttlike. Donated by Peter Metrinko. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 6. Put "Week 823" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 25. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Chris Doyle; the revised title for next week's contest is by Elden Carnahan. Report From Week 819, in which we showed you these six drawings and asked you to tell us what they really were. Half a dozen people saw Drawing E as the backstage view of the Rockettes taking a bow, while many figured that Drawing C depicted a newfangled bread-baking machine, complete with pop-up timer, and Drawing D was the planned speedway for the Indianapolis 5. The Winner of the Inker Drawing E: The one thing that drove Mr. Centipede nuts: his wife's pantyhose draped over the shower rod. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 2. the winner of the Pee Bag "disposable in-car mini-toilets": Drawing D: Well, of course Tic Tacs are low in fat: They jump rope! (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 3. Drawing D: Paparazzi prove that Gene Simmons uses tongue extensions. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) 4. Drawing E: A giant hot dog fails to hide behind a white picket fence. (Vic Krysko, Suratthani, Thailand) Second Glances: Honorable Mentions Drawing A Vincent van Gogh's kindergarten art assignment, "What I Want to Look Like When I Grow Up." (Mario Roederer, Bethesda, a First Offender) As Bozo sat for his official portrait, he had the feeling that maybe wearing the beanie AND the weird ear cuff was a bit too much. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) Leia and Spock's love child was in for a rough time on the playground. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Before he grew a fin, Pavarotti loved his hula hoop. (Jay Shuck) Drawing B A runway model displays the new burqa-and-leggings look. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) With a North Korean rocket, the capsule sits below the engines so the astronaut can reach out and light the fuse. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) After years of tinkering, Carl finally perfected the helium-filled plumb bob. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) A morningwood tree. (Ned Bent) The Bermuda Triangle swallows yet another kayak. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Evidence mounts that Christmas tree farms boost growth by spraying with Viagra. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Drawing C The most successful invention of Albert Gore Sr. (Tom Lacombe, Browntown, Va.) My office's analog server. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Even with one leg missing, the sheet-metal turkey was a Thanksgiving favorite. (Jay Shuck) Every few months, whenever there is a general strike, the French raise the drawbridge on the English side of the Chunnel. (Andrew Hoenig) It's a mailbox without a post, signifying that people don't get The Post delivered anymore. So it's a visual metaphor for the death of print journalism. I'm pretty sure this is right, because I got the answer from Wikipedia. (Brendan Beary) Drawing D Mister Ed in a bike helmet. (Riley Holzberlein, Fairfax, a First Offender) Alaska's latest highway project: the Off-Ramp to Nowhere. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) An ombo, the middle section of a trombone. (Bob Reichenbach, Middletown, Del.) Drawing E Paul McCartney insisted that the keyboard used on "Ebony and Ivory" have equal numbers of black and white keys. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) In an effort to pull in a few more bucks, Dan Snyder repainted the parking lines at FedEx field. (Andrew Hoenig) Only a Double Grand Master Balloon Artiste would even attempt the dreaded Millipede. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A white Hummer with a black grille drives through the snow, simultaneously running over a polar bear, harp seal and arctic hare. (J. McCray, Hyattsville) The smile of the Cheshire Baleen Whale. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) (Upside down) A sumo wrestler's toast rack. (Vic Krysko) A new subdivision: the Townhomes at Stonehenge. (Sue Lin Chong, vacationing in Honolulu) The cast of "America's Next Top Model" carrying a canoe. (Bill Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.) Octomom's family tree. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Drawing F Many people do not realize that the security bollards around the White House are easily removed. (Andrew Hoenig) A rook from Lawn Chess Darts: The game ends with checkmate, stalemate or stabmate. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Aretha made sure that her hat would never fall off again. (Tara Hagenbrock, Herndon, a First Offender) The "Remembering Cap," an unapproved enhanced interrogation technique. (Charles Koelbel, Houston) The magician will never forget the time the rabbit couldn't hold it until the end of the act. (Lee Dobbins, Arlington) Nicole Richie loved her new hat, but wondered if it wasn't a bit out of proportion to her current frame. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) I get one of these 50-foot-tall eyesores in my back yard every time someone Googles my address! (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.) All Pictures Combined Hey, that's my freakin' PIN number! -- Prince, Minneapolis (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Next Week: Be Mister Language Person, or The Ailments of Style ====================================================================== WEEK 824, published July 4, 2009 Week 824: Jestinations Escape to lovely Folsom, California. We've asked for mottoes and slogans for states and countries; now it's time to give a boost (emphasis on the "boo") to cities and towns. This week, give us a slogan for any city or town, as in the example in the cartoon. Don't go through the atlas and make puns on every unknown burg on the globe; we're not looking to run a list of puns, as we did for our contest for sports team names. For those who can't resist that urge, send us no more than your 25 best entries. This boost to our chambers of commerce was suggested by Kelley Bielewicz of Newark, Del., who recently got three blots of ink in her very first appearance on this page. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the book "Punk Shui: Home Design for Anarchists," which at least semi-seriously includes such decorating tips as cutting your couch in half with a chain saw and letting the stuffing dribble out. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 13. Put "Week 824" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Beverley Sharp; the revised title for next week's contest is by Mae Scanlan. Report From Week 820, With Guest Judge Dave Barry, in which we asked you to write some questions and answers to and from Mister Language Person, the great grammarian who appeared in numerous Dave Barry columns back in the day when newspapers had ads and subscriptions and Dave Barry. As promised, Dave has chosen the winners from a list of finalists selected by the Empress, and he even comments on each of his top four. The Winner of the Inker Q. Please demonstrate how to use euphemisms. A: Correct: "Our hamster Mr. Buttons became rabid, so we had to put him down." Incorrect: "Our hamster Mr. Buttons became rabid, so we had to put him down the toilet." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Mister Language Person explains: This beautifully illustrates the First Principle of Humor, as defined by Aristotle: "It should have a hamster, and it should have a toilet." The winner of the dress made from two Loser T-Shirts: 2. Q. What is a non sequitur? A. I'll say! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) I picked this one because I love chocolate. 3. Q. What is "hyperbole"? A. It's what takes place for two solid weeks leading up to the Superbole. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) I picked this one because it is the funniest thing ever written in any language in the history of the universe. 4. Q. I seem to have upset some people by saying, "I've got this thing. And it's bleeping golden. I'm just not giving it up for bleeping nothing. . . . I can always use it. I can parachute me there." Should I have said, "I can parachute myself there"? By the way, nice hair! -- R. Blagojevich (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge) I picked this one, even though it does not have an answer, because the author paid me to. Also Winning the Approbation of Dave Q. Has there ever been an appropriate anagram created for the phrase "a vinyl toilet stain"? A. Yes. Top anagram scientists report that they were finally able to produce exactly one: "style invitational," whatever that means. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Q. What does "penultimate" mean? A: This word is commonly misused, so let me clarify it with an example: "The penultimate word in this sentence is is." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Q. I need to learn how to spell "hemorrhoids." Never mind why. A. "Hemorrhoids" is made up of two parts: "hemor," meaning "things that guys think are hilariously funny," and "rhoids," meaning "big and lumpy." Remember: The "rr" in the middle stands for "rump rocks." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Danglers: Less Honorable Mentions Q. Which of these is grammatically correct: "she waxed indignant" or "she waxed indignantly"? A. Both, actually, since it can refer to the time Mrs. Language Person removed my back hair. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Q. I work for a guy who says "orientate" when he means "orient." Do I let the dude's mistake go, or do I point it out to His Holiness? A. Hey, nobody's infallible. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Q. When I complained to my neighbor about his Confederate flag, he said, "Sorry you was offended." I corrected his grammar, but he looked mad. Now I've noticed that the apostrophe and comma are missing in his "Youll Pry My Gun From My Cold Dead Hands" bumper sticker on his pickup. What's the best way for me to remind him of the importance of good spelling and grammar? A: Some people learn best from seeing their errors corrected in writing. Using large, easy-to-read capital letters, scratch your note of correction into the finish of his vehicle. (Megan Durham, Reston, a First Offender) Q. I'm always hearing about how the Senate can't do anything unless it has a quorum. What is a quorum? A. A slight buzz. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Q. What are the differences in the phrases "at three locations," "at three different locations" and "at three completely different locations"? A: The second makes clear they are not three of the same location, while the third makes clear that the different locations are not located together. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Q. They say that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"; is that true? A. Well, that's just ridiculous. It's GROSS in there! (Beverley Sharp) Q. What does "negligent" mean? A. It's a legal term referring to skimpy underwear, e.g., "She looked negligent in her diphthong." (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Q: We often hear of "abject poverty." Does someone ever have "abject wealth"? A: Donald Trump. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Q: My husband is never in a subjunctive mood anymore. Is it me? A: Would that it were. (Jennifer Hart) Q: Could you demonstrate correct usage of the word "impact"? Wrong: "The business model was impacted by the grim economic scenario." Right: "I found whomever wrote the above sentence and had an impact upon him, by impacting his head in a junkyard car-crushing machine." (Jennifer Hart) Q. Can you suggest a good name for my rock band? A. Sorry, nothing's coming to mind. (Jeff Contompasis) Next Week: Spit the Difference, or Sim-Hilarities ====================================================================== WEEK 825, published July 11, 2009 Week 825: Disinstrumentals Much of the greatest music ever written consists of the inspired crafting of purely instrumental sound, undiminished by distracting, often shallow lyrics. Your turn. This week: Write some words to music that has no words. It can be a pop instrumental, a movie or TV theme (if lyrics were written but they weren't sung on the air, good enough), the Olympic theme, a Sousa march, a well-known bit of classical music, or whatever will be fairly recognizable. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a special Taste Sensation three-pack: two cans of silkworm pupae (second picture in slideshow to the right) and one Kelp Crunch Energy Bar, all picked up at a Korean market by new Loser Mike Czuhajewski. If you accept this prize, you are required to tell us how it tastes. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 20. Put "Week 825" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name was submitted independently by Beverley Sharp and Mike Ostapiej; the revised title for next week's contest is by Beverley Sharp. REPORT FROM WEEK 821, in which asked you to tell the similarity or difference between any two items on a list we supplied. We don't think anyone tried all 105 combinations of the 14 items, but some Losers must have come close. Too commonly offered but certainly to the point: The difference between six Somali pirates and one Somali pirate is five Navy SEALs. A Buckingham Palace guard is like third base at Nationals Park: Just stands there and watches visitor after visitor go by. (Dan Ramish, Arlington) 2. the winner of Frozen Smiles, the denture-shaped ice cube molds: An elderly Labrador retriever is like 24 straight games of Tetris: Both are plausible reasons there's pee on the floor.(J. McCray, Hyattsville) 3. Maraschino cherries on a hamburger and third base at Nationals Park: You want to keep both of them 90 feet from the plate. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) 4. Third base at Nationals Park and a Buckingham Palace guard: When the Royals are in town, they walk all over you. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) BEYOND COMPARE: HONORABLE MENTIONS The entire nation of Latvia and the 2012 presidential campaign: Latvia is wary of its proximity to Russia, while the presidential campaign is wary of its proximity to Rush. (Brian Cohen, Potomac) An elderly Lab and a Buckingham Palace guard: You can blame either for a suspicious foul odor, and neither can defend himself. (G. Smith, New York) An elderly Labrador retriever and the 2012 presidential campaign: They both may kick off any day now. (Barry Koch) For both the elderly Labrador retriever and the 2012 presidential campaign, the main problem is stopping B.O. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) An elderly Labrador retriever and the redesigned Facebook home page: The Lab's pile of crap is probably an accident. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) A Buckingham Palace guard and an elderly Labrador retriever: Both change position every four hours or so. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) The entire nation of Latvia is like third base at Nationals Park: Few Nationals players have set foot on either one. (Jennifer Cohen, Bethesda, a First Offender) An elderly Labrador and someone named Kaytlynne: With each, the cuteness wore off after the first year. (Kathy Colton, Columbia, a First Offender) A Somali pirate and an elderly Lab: They're about the same age. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) The difference between one Somali pirate and six Somali pirates: approximately nine teeth. (Russell Beland) Six Somali pirates are like maraschino cherries on a hamburger: They should be picked off, the quicker the better. (William Bradford, Washington) Someone named Kaytlynne and maraschino cherries on a hamburger: Both are misguided attempts at originality. (Richard Rosen, Mount Vernon, N.Y.) Maraschino cherries on a hamburger and one Somali pirate: One's short of pits; the other's from a port of, um, ships. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The 2012 presidential campaign and Saturn: In the case of Saturn, there's just one giant ball of gas. (Russell Beland; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Saturn and a poison ivy vine: You don't want either colliding with Uranus. (Jay Shuck) The redesigned Facebook page and six Somali pirates: Both are a threat to easy navigation. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Maraschino cherries on a hamburger and 24 straight games of Tetris: One sweetens your buns, the other numbs them. (Lawrence McGuire) The 2012 presidential campaign and a Saturn: The presidential campaign is sure to start on a cold winter morning in Iowa. (Pam Sweeney) A Buckingham Palace guard and an elderly Labrador retriever: Only one can correctly be called a beefeater. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Someone named Kaytlynne vs. a Somali pirate: One is told, "Seize the sea," and one is asked, "Why the Y's?" (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) The 2012 presidential campaign is like 24 straight games of Tetris: The outcome depends on how the blockheads fall. (Shelby Sadler, Rockville, whose only other ink was in 1999) Third base at Nationals Park is like the entire nation of Latvia: Opposing forces easily stomp through on their way home. (Ward Kay, Vienna, who last got Invitational ink in 1994) Next Week: For Real Folks, or Our Country, Tease of Thee ====================================================================== WEEK 826, published July 18, 2009 *Week 826: The Inside Word* Ou"thou"se: That little shed behind the Quaker meeting hall. /(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)/ S"laughter": Stop! You're killing me! /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)/ Di"agnostic"ian: This doctor is just not sure what you've got. /(Steve Fahey, Kensington)/ Here's a contest we've done more than once, but not in eight years: */This week: Take any word -- this may include the name of a person or place -- put a portion of it in quotation marks and redefine the word/*/,/ as in the examples above from 2001, all by renowned Style Invitational Losers. Important note: Notice how hard it would be to understand those three jokes if the quotation marks weren't there. That's what makes this contest different from another one we do regularly, the one to supply a new definition for any existing word. This time, the pun shouldn't just jump out at you. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Superfly Monkey, a stuffed animal whose arms, when you fit the tips of your fingers in its little hands, form the rubber band of a slingshot. Pull back and it sails through your yard, office, classroom, church aisle, etc., emitting a highly annoying scream. Discourtesy of newbie Loser Lois Douthitt. You can see a commercial for the thing at http://buysuperflymonkey.com. */Other runners-up/* win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 27. Put "Week 826" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 15. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Beverley Sharp; next week's revised title is by Kevin Dopart. *Report From Week 822*, in which we asked for exhibits and events that might be part of a Festival of Real American Folklife, in tribute to the Smithsonian Folklife Festival, held earlier this month:/ *The Winner of the Inker* Today's Still Life, Tomorrow's Abstract: Tattoos and how they change over time. 1:30 p.m.: From Cute Little Cleavage Butterfly to Giant Drooping Winged Something. /(Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.)/ 2. /the winner of the/ /Mustard Marvin gross-out squeeze bottle topper: / Old-Time Postal Methods: Dressed in 20th-century garb, reenactors affix stamps to envelopes with saliva. /(Tom Lacombe, Browntown, Va.)/ 3. Ski Mask Knitting, with Moms of Liquor Store Robbers. /(Vic Krysko, Suratthani, Thailand)/ 4. Dad Stories: A revue of stories told by fathers from across the country. Repeated every five minutes. All day. Every day. /(Elizabeth Molyé, Arlington)/ *Folk Lower: Honorable Mentions* The All-American Automobile Trip: Participants drive slowly up and down Independence Avenue, where road rage experts will demonstrate hand gestures, aggressive driving maneuvers and abusive language. /(Lois Douthitt, Arlington)/ Today in the Vanishing Arts tent: 11 a.m. Slide rule crafting; 12:15 p.m., buggy whip making; 1 p.m.: newspaper reading. /(Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.)/ Rust Bucket Displayin': The art of showing off old cars. With workshops on cinder block selection and proper weed arrangements. /(Wayne Rodgers)/ American Summer Camp Craftwork: A giant Popsicle stick made of Popsicle sticks. /(Katie Maddocks, Royal Oak, Mich., a First Offender)/ Hall of 15 Minutes of Fame: At 2 p.m., a special appearance by the Octomom. /(Marcy Alvo, Annandale)/ Weaving Techniques: Native suburban drivers discuss how to negotiate high-speed lane changes. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)/ Kindergarten Cuisine: Edible crafts made of dried macaroni, marshmallows, jelly beans, M&M's and paste. /(Charles Koelbel, Houston)/ Lawn Mower Artists: On the central Mall, suburban males create such patterns as "The Baseball Outfield," "The Crop Circle" and the ever-controversial "Confederate Flag." /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)/ 1 p.m. Turn City Wastelands Into a Garden. Preceded at 12:30 by the Create a Wasteland workshop (spray paint and glass bottles available for purchase). /(Vic Krysko)/ Fifty Years of the GSA, and Counting: The highly distinctive occupational culture of requisitions and procurement. To apply for tickets, submit Form SI-4329 in triplicate. /(Jim Deutsch, Washington, a First Offender who actually works for the Smithsonian Folklife Festival)/ Radio-Free America: Aluminum foil headwear in U.S. cities. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ American Uptalking: It's like this totally random thing where everyone is like 20 years old? And all they do is go on a stage and just talk like normal? And all these old folks are standing and watching and looking so totally confused? /(Larry Yungk, from Geneva)/ Satellite venue at the Tidal Basin: Personal-watercraft slalom racing around the paddleboats, in three skill levels -- four, six and eight beers. /(Dave Prevar, Annapolis)/ Profiles in Furrage: The craft of black-velvet painting. /(Jeff Contompasis)/ Real American Authenticity: Brush clearin', pickup drivin', intellectualism eschewin' and stuff. /(Charlie Wood, Falls Church)/ American Mating Rituals: Volunteer festival attendees are randomly paired, regardless of age, sex, interests, etc. Sponsored by The Washington Post Magazine, which hopes to improve the success rate of Date Lab. /(Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)/ Fishermen of Three Mile Island: Come shake their hands, all three of them. /(Russell Beland, Fairfax)/ *Next Week: Wryku,**or *Bad News to Verse* ====================================================================== WEEK 827, published July 25, 2009 *Week 827: Caller IDiot* /To the customer service line for Sylvania Double Soft White Light Bulbs:/ /Gene: I have a complaint about these products. They're not soft./ /Robert: I'm sorry?/ /Gene: Your package says they're soft, but they're not. They smash just like any other bulbs. I've smashed 12 of them already./ The other day, the Empress received an instant message from her comrade-in-toilet-humor Gene Weingarten, writer of the Below the Beltway column in The Washington Post Magazine. "I am making 800-number calls," he reported. "You know, you could do an Invite on that. First lines to ask." The Empress thought this was a pretty swell idea, and she and Gene continued to talk at length about how the contest would work -- who would judge, when we'd do it, would you need the real phone number, etc. It was not till three hours later that it dawned on the Empress that she had done the identical contest three years ago -- and that Gene had chosen the winners. So if neither of us remembered, what better excuse to do it again? */This week:/****/Name a real product or company and supply a stupid question or complaint for the consumer hotline person. This year's twist: Not only will Weingarten choose the top winners, but he also promises to call the top four 800-numbers for customer questions and complaints (the ones on the packages), and ask the questions, provided they're supplied along with the entry/*/./ So: You don't have to send in the 800-number; your entry doesn't even have to be for a product that offers one. But you won't make the top four. See http://washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational for a link to the 2006 results ; one way not to be duplicative is to write about a new product or to use a current angle. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets, courtesy of genuine economist Russell Beland, a Magic 8-Ball imitation that advises, "Buy now," "bear market ahead," etc. This is the same model that Tim Geithner uses. Ben Bernanke juggles several and goes with the most promising answer. */Other runners-up/* win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 3. Put "Week 827" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate relatives are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's honorable-mentions name is by Kevin Dopart; next week's revised title was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Michael Turniansky. *Report From Week 823* In which we sought haiku about current events -- "haiku," for our purposes, being any three-line poem with five syllables in the first line, seven in the second and five in the third. Many, many fine entries this week, although a lot of entries weren't by any stretch about any current event, and some people seemed unable to count to five or seven. The contest week coincided with the Iranian riots, the deaths of several celebrities, and the odd Father's Day vacation of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford. *The Winner of the Inker* Sanford and Spitzer, Blagojevich, McGreevey: All /NEED/ governors. /(Dave Zarrow, Reston)/ /the winner of the It's Happy/ /Bunny incense:/ 2. I remember when "Folding newspaper" meant we'd Make a pirate hat. /(Lois Douthitt, Arlington)/ 3.Brave Iranians! We hear your cries of liber-- Whoa! Michael just died! /(Tom Scocca, Silver Spring, a First Offender)/ 4. Saint Peter asks if Jacko can show ID: "You Don't look familiar." /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)/ *Lower on the Haiku Test: Honorable Mentions* Appalachian Trail? The Andes? What's the diff? My Wife said, "Take a hike!" /(Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)/ Just as with Elvis, Michael's selling more albums. But from the flip side. /(Judith Cottrill, New York)/ First, Michael Jackson; Then Billy Mays -- the same age. Fifty's the new dead. /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville)/ Ousted in a coup? The Honduran army says Manuel's Zelaya. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ "Dear Occupiers," Says Iraq. "Good riddance. But Don't abandon us." /(L. John Martin, Bethesda, a First Offender)/ The great recession: A case of the subprime and The ridiculous. /(John O'Byrne, Dublin)/ "Economy sucks. Roadkill is our food again." "Food? You have some food?" /(Richard Rosen, Mount Vernon, N.Y.)/ Ahnold's state is broke: Pays with paper IOUs. Best hope: They'll be baaacked. /(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)/ Ahmadinejad Deemed winner by imams: Sic Semper Tehranis. /(Brendan Beary)/ Madoff goes to jail A century and a half: May he live so long. /(Russell Beland, Fairfax)/ /Al Franken/ I'm good enough, right? Doggone it, people like me!(Just enough of them.) /(Phil Frankenfeld)/ Obama's had, what, Five months -- and all's not fixed yet? What's taking so long? /(Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)/ Socialism here!! Televised execution! (Of a fly -- but still!) /(Michael Woods, Arlington, a First Offender)/ /Sarah Palin's Resignation/ To stay in office: "That's a quitter's way out." As . . . Opposed to quitting? /(Frances Hirai-Clark, Columbia)/ Like Jacko, the Nats -- For no apparent reason -- Wear gloves on one hand. /(Ira Allen, Bethesda)/ Jon and Kate plus eight, Plus two in rendezvous, we hear? Where do they find time? /(Andrew Langreich, Annapolis, a First Offender)/ Leader Kim Jong Il Out of sight, not out of mind. Only out of his. /(Christopher Lamora, Arlington)/ CEO Jobs gets Non-Apple replacement parts. Warranty canceled. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ /'Virginia Closing Half of Rest Stops'/ New test for license: You must drive your car safely While your legs are crossed. /(Ellen Raphaeli)/ Strip this girl! Find the Bomb! Drugs! Knives! Guns! Oh! My! God! An ibuprofen? /(Emery Walters, Reston)/ /And Last:/ Only Farrah and Michael, Palin, Sanford, Kim Jung Il? Weak haiku news week. /(Dave Zarrow)/ More Honorable Mentions can be found at http://washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. More Honorable Mentions from Week 823 of The Style Invitational, which sought haiku about current events: "Defense of marriage" runs afoul of state affairs. Elephants forget. (Yuki Henninger, Vienna, a First Offender) Father of four seeks A soul mate on the Pampas: Five days of fun, tears. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Sanford sans sons, plus Mistress in Argentina: That's some Father's Day. (Diana Salowe, Long Island City, N.Y., a First Offender) A week of obits: Celebrities dropping like Leaves in the Dead Pool. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) Anagram "Tegucigalpa, Honduras" converts to "Uh, Stage a coup, darling." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Economists flop. Predictions didn't pan out. All losses, no Keynes. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Where is my bailout? I work hard. No debts. Green car. What's for me? The bill. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Moussavi, it's me, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Iran and you lost. (Bill Smith, Bethesda) Bernie will do time Dressed in an orange jumpsuit. Hardly Italian. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) ? The Minnesota Senate race: Situation Norm/Al: All fouled up. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Kill flies? Yes we can! Dealing with Iran's nut case? That's a bit harder. (Ron Nessen, Bethesda) Barack got the job! Funny how nobody else Has luck finding work. (J. Calvin Smith, Greenbelt) Where is Obama's Current stance on gay issues? Don't ask; he won't tell. (Brendan Beary) If you're the POTUS Naming someone to SCOTUS Rush will take notice. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) Waiting for the other Naughty Monkey shoe to drop: Now what, Ms. Palin? (Anne Paris, Arlington) Palin's star will fade. Footnotes will whisper, "Quayle lite." Warhol, bring the hook. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Easier to see Russia when one's house is a Castle in the air. (Brendan Beary) Hey, Washington Post, Thinner and smaller, I note: Hey, that's all it wrote. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Each day in The Post: Lies, abuse and perversion. (That's just "Ask Amy.") (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Washington baseball: One hundred and sixty-two reasons to watch golf. (Andrew Langreich, Annapolis, a First Offender) Baking or spelling, "Nestle Tollhouse Cookies" will Contain "E. coli." (Brendan Beary) 'Cops Shoot Fleeing Bear': Maybe the right to arm bears Should not be infringed. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Blood-washed sparkling gems: Diamonds are a girl's best friend. And Mugabe's, too. (Tanja Ciloia, Santa Venera, Malta) And Last: The paper's crumpling. We ain't the only losers @washpost.com. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) ====================================================================== WEEK 828, published August 1, 2009 Week 828: Inhuman Puns The Wonkees: A TV rock band portrayed by four policy analysts. (Alan Rosenthal, Columbia) J.C. Couture: A stylish line of white robes and woven sandals. (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) In Week 796, we gave you permission to commit shamelessly what some blighted souls consider the lowest form of the lowest form of wit: puns on people's names. Some Losers, typically ignoring the contest directions, instead sent in puns on names of non-people: rock groups, corporations, cake mixes. The Empress gave them no ink but told them not to throw the entries away (assuming that they didn't have little verbal stink lines emanating up from them). This week: Make a pun on the name of a familiar group, organization or company, as in the examples above, and describe it or provide a quote from it. (Once again, save the cake mix entries; we'll milk this contest for all it's worth.) Check your idea online to see if it's already someone else's well-publicized pun (though your imaginative description might help it pass the originality test anyway). Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize receives a souvenir that the Empress picked up this summer in Sweden: four fancy-schmancy handmade-paper notecards depicting various examples of Bronze Age art carved into rocks -- in these cases some very happy-looking male fertility figures. (Okay, some of the maleness might be silhouettes of 3,000-year-old swords, but others are definitely anatomical, if wishful.) Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 10. Put "Week 828" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate relatives are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's honorable-mentions name is by Mae Scanlan; next week's revised title is by Jeff Contompasis. Report From Week 824, in which we asked you to supply tourist slogans for cities and towns, much as we'd done before with the U.S. states. We mostly focused on the actual qualities (or lack thereof) of the various towns, rather than just running a list of puns on the weird names of sundry obscure hamlets. (For those who feel deprived of this, here are two from Rick Haynes of Potomac: Bra, Italy: Thanks for Your Support; Pee Pee, Ohio: We're Number One.) The Winner of the Inker Liberal, Kansas: Right up there with Nice, France (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) 2. the winner of the book "Punk Shui: Home Design for Anarchists": Fort Knox: The Gold Tooth of Kentucky (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.) 3. Manhattan, Kansas: The City That Sleeps (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 4. Wasilla, Alaska: Home of the Moose Burger! Governor Sarah Palin! the next VP of the U.S. of A.! Governor Sarah Palin! the Moose Burger! (Chad Pridgen, Marshall, Va.) Towntrodden: Honorable Mentions Visit Hoboken, Because It Would Be a Shame if You Didn't and Something Happened to Your Family (J.J. Gertler, Alexandria) Las Vegas: For Sale by Lender (Ed Gordon, Georgetown, Tex.) Galveston, Texas: Hurricane-Free Since Last Summer (Charles Koelbel, Houston) Put Your Liquids, Gels and Aerosols in a Quart-Size, Zip-Top, Clear Plastic Bag and Visit Kitty Hawk (Kevin Dopart, Washington) New Orleans: Now a Somewhat Smaller Easy (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Las Vegas: Where Everybody Knows Your Alias (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Washington, D.C.: Come Watch Your Favorite Team Win on the Road (Russell Beland) Wasilla, Alaska: Gateway to the Evil Empire (Jim Exnicios, Manassas, a First Offender) Cleveland: We Were Bankrupt When Bankrupt Wasn't Cool (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Crawford, Texas: Decommission Accomplished! (Chad Pridgen) Chicago: Buy Your Seat Now! (J. McCray, Hyattsville) Mustang, Nevada: The City of Brothelly Love (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church; Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) Juneau: Come On Up -- She's Gone (Steve Price, New York) Woodbridge: The Perfect Place for YOU, if Dale City Seems Just a Little Too Urbane (Chad Pridgen) Las Vegas, New Mexico: Whatever Happens Here . . . Would Be a First (Brendan Beary) Stay a Spell in Llanfairpwllgwyng- yllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales (Chris Doyle; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) New York: Home of the Giant Offensive Lines (D. Letterman, Manhattan) (J. McCray) Ocean City: The Atlantis of Tomorrow (J.J. Gertler) Visit Glorious, Modern Pyongyang! (Bring Your Own Food.) (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Redmond, Washington, Is for [FATAL ERROR] (J. McCray) Pyongyang: If you happen here, you stay here. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Toledo, Ohio: Holy Us! (Brendan Beary) Rochester, New York: Home of Xerox. Home of Xerox. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Waldorf, Maryland: In a Certain Light Our Vacant Storefronts Mirror the Emptiness of Your Materialistic Existence (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Rio de Janeiro: Absolutely Favelas (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Venice: Pothole-Free Since A.D. 421 (Robert Gallagher, Falls Church) Shanghai: Come Visit Your Money (Cy Gardner) Singapore: Where Everyone Is Happy -- or Else (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Scaggsville, Maryland: A Great Personality (Bill Armstrong, Dayton [a suburb of Scaggsville]) Morristown, New Jersey: We're Upwind of Newark (Jack Held, Fairfax) The Future City of Fairfax: From Suburban to Sub-Urbane (Kevin Dopart) Montgomery Village, Maryland: Our Idiot Is Funnier Than Your Idiot (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) And Last: Ponder, Texas: One Style Invitational Inker for Every 33 Residents (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Next Week: Disinstrumentals, or Themes and Violations ====================================================================== WEEK 829, published August 8, 2009 Week 829: Limerixicon 6 If it's "digital," it's about RAM Or, say, e-mail or evites or spam. It's modern and cool -- Unless it's the tool That is used in a prostate exam. It's not enough that we make you slog for a week, in exchange for the slim possibility of receiving a piece of junk, so that we can brag about the quality of this here feature. No, we also have to farm you out to someone else's feature. As we do every August, we'll be furthering the cause of the indefatigable Chris J. Strolin of Belleville, Ill., founder of the online Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, which aims to include a limerick illustrating every word in the language. Actually, it's not just one giant limerick that has every word in it; Chris J. and his numerous contributors (including some Invitational Losers) have now passed the 55,000 mark: Last year at this time, they were only around 50,000 and had just reached the da- words -- but now they're all the way up to . . . This week: Supply a humorous limerick prominently featuring any English word, name or term beginning with the letters di-, as in the diabolical example above by Chief of Proctocol Gene Weingarten of Washington. The Empress is picky about rhyme and meter for limericks; a link to her guidelines appears on the home page of http://www.oedilf.com. (In a pistachio shell: The first, second and fifth lines must contain the strong meter of BAH-bum-bum BAH-bum-bum BAH, with optional bums at the beginning and end of each line; and Lines 3 and 4 must contain BAH-bum-bum BAH, also with the optional bums. And it's best to have at least one bum between two BAHs. And "bird" rhymes with "word" but not with "words.") Once we run the results Sept. 5, you may submit your entries (getting Invitational ink or not) to the Oedilfers as well. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a special gift basket (special as in invisible) of bacon-flavor dental floss, donated (unused) by Russell Beland; bacon-flavor mints, from Mike Czuhajewski; and cupcake-flavor floss, from Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 17. Put "Week 829" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate relatives are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's honorable-mentions name is by Beverley Sharp; next week's revised title was submitted by both Dave Prevar and Tom Witte. Report From Week 825, in which we asked you to write some lyrics (on any subject) to a piece of music that didn't originally have lyrics. We got hundreds of parodies from a wide and imaginative group of sources, from symphonies to movie themes to pop instrumentals to a Nokia ring tone. The songs themselves? Well, song parodies destined to be read rather than heard are very hard to write: The natural accents of the words must match the accents of the music, precisely, or else a reader can't follow along. You can't expect the reader to figure out, "Oh, this word will be sung as 'hope-LESS,' " especially early in the song. The parodies on this page are set to music that we figure you have a chance of knowing. If you're still stumped, look at the online version of this column at http://washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational, where each parody -- along with several other winners and honorable mentions that appear only on the Web -- will contain a link to YouTube so you can sing along (or at least read along), even with music that's new to you. The Winner of the Inker To Fucik's "Entrance of the Gladiators"(the traditional music for circus clowns) Clowns are entering the three-ring circus, In the center ring are scary smirkers. Red bulbous noses, grimacing poses. I'm in panic with a manic harlequin psychosis. Freaky pantaloons from Barnum-Bailey, Bozos mugging and cavorting gaily. Run to survive. Gotta stay alive. Get in the car -- and drive! Krusty, Clarabell or Emmett Kelly. Doesn't matter, I'm a nervous Nellie. Bright-painted faces, fright-wiggy aces. Got a fear that clearly has a psychogenic basis. Madcap zanies at the Ringling Brothers, Merry-andrews -- if I had my druthers I'd can the clowns. Ban all the clowns. Down with the clowns! (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2. the winner of the silkworm pupae in sauce, plus the Kelp Energy Bar: Sprint to the Finish To the "Chariots of Fire" theme: So out of breath running, I can't even cuss. I'm in this condition 'cause I missed the bus. The guy saw me coming; he heard me yell, "Hey!" I gave him the finger as he pulled away. My girl will be standing cold outside. The show starts at 8. I'm gonna be roasted, grilled and fried, On this, our last date. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Imperfectly Pitched: Honorable Mentions To Elgar's "Pomp and Circumstance" No. 1 (the graduation march): Just got my diploma, It took me six years. Most days in a coma, 'Cause I majored in beers. I'm not a go-getter, Job markets are bad. No life as jet-setter, Looks like I've been had. Wait . . . I . . . know, Till prospects are better, Sponge off Mom and Dad. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Brünnhilde's Lament To Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" I come from Valhalla, Where there's no mall, a Woe to befall a girlie like me. My breastplates are tight, this Helmet's a fright, why Must a dead knight be My company? (My dad says I'm odd Well, he thinks he's God. I want an iPod but He says, "No way!" I'd trade in my spear For bling and a beer. There's nothing cool here, Just death and decay . . . (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Beethoven's Fit To Beethoven's Symphony No. 5: Having done four, I did one more . . . I've lost the score! I thought I'd put it in a drawer. My cleaning lady found it lying on the floor, And in a flash (a lightning bolt) It hit the trash (should strike that dolt). I told her, "This! Means! War!" (Stephen Gold) To the theme from "Bewitched": When springtime hits, my nostrils start to twitch, Though as a witch, I've tried to stop that itch, I've used pills and capsules and potions and every nasal mist, But my allergies -- sniffle, sniffle, sniffle, sniff -- they still persist! With every sneeze, someone gets turned to cheese, Each time I cough, the power grid shuts off. I turned my dad into an iPod, my dachshund is now a hose, That pollen, it messed with my nose. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) To the "Raiders of the Lost Ark" theme: Indiana! He's our man! If he can't do it, no one ca-a-an! Indiana, he's so cool! But that fourth film . . . I swear that I saw Indy drool . . . (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) And Last: My doorbell chime: "Get lost!" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Next Week: The Inside Word, or Def"in"itions More Winning Song Parodies From Style Invitational Week 825 Winner of a runner-up Loser T-shirt or Loser mug: To Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever" [Right from the top, before the main theme] What's with the paper? It's lookin' kinda thin! They've clipped the comics -- that's not funny! (Wonder why The Post is losing money?) Hate to say it, but of course They've also thrown out Sunday Source! Look for Book World, and you're sure to Be befuddled (it Means they scuttled it), Just 'cause the kids won't read the dead-tree edition, it's true! [skip repeat] Oh, the newsprint costs have gone sky-high; Still, The Post should have been astuter: 'Cause folks under 40 just won't buy Something they can get for free on their computer. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) More Honorable Mentions To "Gonna Fly Now (Theme from Rocky)" Oh, take off your shoes, put your stuff in a bin. Get scanned through your clothes or they won't let you in. Check all your luggage, pay the cost, Then pray that it won't get lost. Longer lines, longer wait, Getting stuck at the gate. Not an inch of leg room, Is it any wonder I'm irate? Flying's hard now, it's so hard now, Ain't gonna fly now! (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) To "No Matter What Shape Your Stomach Is In" [Starting at :09] Hubby, we gotta chat. You're getting mighty chubby. Wassup with that? Turned into a tubby. Here's where it's at: Let's face it, bub, you're fat. Honey, you weigh a ton. Obesity ain't funny when you can't run. Now we're out of money. Angina's begun. Embrace it, hon, we're done. You were skinny, Eddy, Thin when we went steady. Then you found spaghetti. Pasta did you in. Sweetie, you're awfully big. Seven plates of ziti? You eat like a pig. Well, I'm off! Tahiti's the one place I'll dig. I'm givin' up this gig. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) To the theme from "Leave It to Beaver" I'm Britney Spears and I want to say That what you read isn't true Okay, I did shave my head one day, But I like that look, how 'bout you? And yes, I did leave my house undressed, My underwear on the floor, But, like, and this makes me all depressed, That doesn't mean I am a hor ..... ..... rible person, I'm just like you Except I am famous and rich. And whatever I do, People think I am a bit ..... ..... Chasteless, maybe that's not a word, But you know just what I mean. What's more, my dad is a great big nerd -- He's super-controlling and mean! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Two parodies to the theme from "The Dick Van Dyke Show" Well, I'm getting a Mercedes, Mercedes, Mercedes, The highest-priced Mercedes that they've got, And I'm gonna have some work done, Some quality work done, And when I'm through, you know I'll be so hot. Then I'm going to Hawaii, To Maui and Kauai, I'm going to Hawaii and you're not, 'Cause you ain't ever going anywhere, And I don't care a jot, But I'm hoping that you really care a lot. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah! [stick out tongue]. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) Oh, my name is Sarah Palin, I'm bailin' and sailin' Away from bein' governor, tra la; I decided, oh yes I did, To be guv collided With future plans I'm workin' on, ha ha. So I'm quittin' and I'm sittin' On millions I'm gittin' For writin' up the story of my life; I may seem simple but the truth is, I'm smart, I've worked hard on ev'ry part, I've got it all refined down to an art. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) The Quarter-Life Crisis Song To "The Irish Washerwoman" I could be a barista and make frappuccino Or be a bartender and serve people vino. My magna cum laude is great, but as we know I can't pay the rent with my college degree. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) To the "Colonel Bogey March" from "Bridge on the River Kwai" Congress ¿ although we're in a mess, Kicks back and plans the next recess. Prating, investigating And holding hearings to impress the press. Showing the folks back home they care, Pork flies with oiled style and flair. Riders, they fool outsiders And fund those bridges that lead to nowhere. [Bridge] But today, embarrassment fills the air. Just one word can be heard: Affair! Your wives, your high-profile lives cry stop! Hey, guys, it's pounds, not your pants, you should drop. Ohhhh ..... Congress, there's so much on your plate. Health care, Afghanistan debate. Yet now, you hop a jet now. Do some fundraising, your campaigns won't wait. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) To the series of tones at the end of Intel commercials (starts at about 0:25) Hark! Nerds rule the world! (J. McCray, Hyattsville) A monopoly! (Larry Yungk, Arlington) The Sotomayor Mystery To "Chopsticks": Day after day, we've heard Sonia report On how she'll decide big cases on the high court. And we've studied the news, but still none of us know How the nominee feels about Roe. Is she pro-life? Is she Pro-choice? Will the right Be blue? Will the left rejoice? The Dems don't know, and so They squirm. Tell us, Will she reverse or affirm? (Barbara Sarshik) To Melody in F by Anton Rubinstein (1st melody twice) Sweet little girls don't wear bows in their curls, Times are a-changin', now girls look strange in Mary Jane shoes, for they've all got tattoo-oos, They're little Barbies now. Gone are their panties; now they're wearing thongs. "Booty" and "sexy," they sing in their songs. Sweet little dears, now exposing their re-ars, They're little Barbies now. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Woody's "Family Affair": I've got some plans for you, my Soon-Yi, Please don't tell Mia, could be that she Might be annoyed with you and with me (She's odd that way). Instead of "Dad" you'll call me your man. I'll give you gifts and roles when I can>. We'll be a really tight-knitted clan. What do you say? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Rackety Sex To "Yakety Sax" Oh, there's a couple makin' heaps of trouble They been keepin' you from sleepin' all night. They're a pair o' spooners, loony honeymooners, Doin' what's their natural right. You can stick your head beneath the covers, But there ain't no gettin' away from lovey-dovers. Pour a little whiskey, go get a bite, Wait till the early light. The springs are squeakin' and the walls are creakin' And you're thinkin' of wringin' their necks, But you're best off boozin' since you can't be snoozin' With that next-door rackety sex. Now a man like you has done some livin' And the women you knew did a whole lot o' givin'. Pour another whiskey, drink it up right, Wait for the early light. (Chris Doyle) Madoff With the Cash To the theme from "The Pink Panther" I was the chief The multi-billion thief, I stole the saaaaaaaavings from all my peers Got sent to jail No bail, so don't expect refunds my dears. And for my crime I'm primed to do the time, I got one huuuuundred and fifty years Guess I shoulda fled to Madagascar -- No extradition. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Players of the Lost Par Yet another Game they lost, So the Nats ruled They must toss the boss. Though the players Lost the game, It was Manager Manny Who ended up With all the blame ..... (Terry Gerace and 11-year-old granddaughter Sofia Campoamor, Washington, First Offenders) To "Percolator" [Start at :14) We love our coffee. We go to Starbucks every day. We buy their coffee. We go to Starbucks for a caffe latte, mocha grande, don't care what we pay. (It's au revoir, bucks!) We're from Encino. Drink cappuccino through the day. And what do we know? We go to Starbucks for a caffe latte, mocha grande, don't care what we pay. A place like Starbucks has cachet. (Chris Doyle) The Campaigners To Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer" There are rumblings up on the Hill. That the Republican primary's near. Grab the brass ring, you know the drill. Things aren't nearly as bleak as they appear. With so many who fill the bill, We have only Obama to fear. We can do it, we can, if we just pick the right man (Or woman). This is the GOP's year. [Second melody] We've got a lengthy list, headed by Charlie Crist, And can the other Bush -- that's Jeb -- be talked into The race? It's deju vu! Will Huckabee wade in the muck to see If he can preach his way to victory? And then there's good old Newt. Is he in hot pursuit Of somethin' bigger than a Sunday morning show? Let's throw in Tim Pawlenty -- He's so presidenty! -- And the plumber known as Joe. [First melody] On the South Appalachian Trail, Mark Sanford banished all trouble and stress. And a sure bet is Sarah Pal- in, who's opted to be Alaska-less. You can hear 'em intoning "Hail To the Chief" while they're pressing the flesh. Well now, the big question is, Will it be her win or his? Who will derail the Obama Express? [Third melody] Mitt's the man to beat (he heads up the race); Squeaky clean and sweet (every hair in place). But let's not forget John Ensign; Knows how to treat his staff and then some. Maybe Michael Steele (he's the king of bling). Watch him wheel and deal (he'll say anything). Or Eric Cantor might run. He's already practicing his spiel. [Fourth melody] That's not everyone: There's big, blue-eyed John Boehner. Blunt has joined the fun -- another great campaigner! Bobby Jindal's in -- that's a sure no-brainer. Haley Barbour, too. What about McCain? (D'ya think he has it in him?) Rush? It's his domain (the guy knows how to spin 'em). Put on your seatbelt and crank up the heat And let the brouhaha ensue. (Anita Thiel Winters, Bethesda, a First Offender) ====================================================================== WEEK 830, published August 15, 2009 The Style Invitational Week 830 Mess With Our Heads The Art of Letting Employees Go Sweatshops Offer Decorative Bathroom Passes In sporadic bouts of magnaminity, The Empress occasionally deigns to correspond with a few members of the greater Loser community. But then these people go and say things to her like "Is it so blasphemous to say I never read the A-section?" Well, it might not exactly be blasphemous, Mr. Craig Dykstra of Centreville, but given your ardent quest for ink -- 143 entries in the last two weeks -- you might want to get some A-section (or other-section) religion, if only for a few days. This week: Take any headline, verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Post or on washingtonpost.com from Aug. 14 through Aug. 24 and reinterpret it by adding a "'bank head," or subtitle (like the joke bank head offered under the actual Post headline above). Include the date and page number of the headline you're citing from the paper; for Web articles, give the date and copy a sentence or two of the story (even better, just copy the URL). You don't have to use the entire length of the headline, but don't skip words or use snippets that distort the meaning of the original. Headlines in ads and subheads within an article (as well as actual bank heads) can be used, too; photo captions cannot. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Cushy Tushy -- a woolly item that is essentially a sweater for your toilet seat. Not the seat lid, mind you: the actual seat. Nice on a cold day, maybe, but, um, do you really want to be the second person to sit on that thing? Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 24. Put 'Week 830' in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 826, in which we asked you to take any word or multi-word term, put it a portion of it in quotation marks and describe the result -- as you'll see, the trick to making it funny was to find a word in there that had no relation to the real root of the word. Fabulous week: We received far more worthy entries than we can fit on the page; we'll print more of them when we find ourselves with some extra space. The Winner of the Inker Che'mother'apy: When I was a kid, it was cod liver oil and Vicks VapoRub. (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.) 2.the winner of the annoying Superfly Monkey slingshot thing: Misc'once'ption: The myth that you can't knock up your girlfriend the first time you have sex. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) 3. Casan'ova': A guy who leaves a trail of unwed mothers. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 4. Mi'shear'd: Wait, you said you wanted your hair to look like Jessica Simpson's? (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) C'lose': Honorable Mentions 'Alas'ka: A state of regret. -- J. McCain, 16 Blocks Down Pennsylvania Avenue (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge; Brendan Beary, Great Mills) A'polo'gize: To be self-deprecating about your excess wealth. (Lois Douthitt) A'pot'hecaries: The new California drugstores. (Yuki Henninger, Vienna) Ab'dome'n: The six-pack 20 years later. (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.; Mae Scanlan, Washington) An'napoli's: Maryland's other Little Italy. (Kathleen Brasington, Annapolis, a First Offender) An'tithe'sis: Stealing from the collection plate. (Jan Brandstetter, Mechanicsville, Md.) Ar'bore'tum: Seen one tree, seen 'em all. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) B'rat'wurst: Sausage served in a cheap restaurant. (Michael Kilby, Wildau, Germany) D'ow'ry: Having your new bride tell you, "You mean you thought I was related to that Bill Gates?" (Lois Douthitt) Dissem'bling': Why would you think they're not real diamonds? (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) C'onan': A late-night guilty pleasure. (Tom Witte) But'cher'ed: Had some unfortunate plastic surgery. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) C'leave'r: A hint that you've been hanging around too long in your hosts' kitchen. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Carpen'try': A Cub Scout birdhouse project. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) 'Con'tainer: The slammer. (Susie Wiltshire, Richmond, a First Offender) Edu'cat'ion: The training of those who haven't the slightest interest in being trained. (Max Pieper, Burke, a First Offender) E'ducat'ion: Learning that money really can buy happiness. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Expect'orate': Say it and spray it. (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Md.) F'ore'play: An activity in which one hopes to strike gold, but usually strikes out. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Immi'grate': Irritate folks whose families moved here before yours did. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Ina'lien'able: The right of the government to a third of your paycheck. (Russ Taylor) Jo'urn'alist: An obit writer. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Kn'it': The nice, um, something that Aunt Lucy made you for your birthday. (Jane Auerbach) Le No'zz'e di Figaro: An opera. (Brendan Beary) Mc'Nam'ara: An otherwise accomplished person whose name will forever be associated with one enormous failure. (Tom Witte; Brendan Beary) Mezza'nine': An almost perfect midsection. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) P'itch'er: The player in the bullpen who always shows up on TV at just the wrong time. (James Noble, Lexington Park) P'resident': Someone who lives here and wasn't born here. -- L. Dobbs (Dave Zarrow, Reston) Pil'grim'age: The trip to the in-laws' for Thanksgiving. (Craig Dykstra) R'efin'ancing: An enormous pile of never-ending paperwork. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) S'pee'd: What you do when the next rest stop is 89 miles away. (Tom Lacombe, Browntown, Va.) Sh'ape'ly: 112-96-112 (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Spe'cialis't: The 'doctor' who keeps sending me all those e-mails. (Michael Fransella, Arlington) Stup'id'ly: How Gov. Sanford explained his absences. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 'Sty'lus: A pig pen. (Chris Doyle) Sy'nap'se: A senior moment. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Taber'nacl'e: Where the salt of the earth gathers to pray. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Ve'hic'le: The squad car of the Alexandria police chief. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) W'ash'ington Post: Because as much as you'd like to, you can't use the Huffington Post as fireplace kindling. (Ward Kay, Vienna) And last: Pa'ink'iller: Something that takes the hurt away. (Vic Krysko, Suratthani, Thailand) Next Week: Caller IDiot, or Consumer Ha Line ====================================================================== WEEK 831, published August 22, 2009 Week 831: A Big To-Do On Sarah Palin's bucket list: Finally get to all the newspapers. As if we don't have enough things to have hanging over our heads in our daily lives, it's become the thing to do to create a "bucket list" of goals to accomplish before you kick it. This week, 90-time Loser Larry Yungk -- who's already had his picture taken with Angelina Jolie -- suggests this week's contest: Name a "bucket list" item for a well-known real or fictional character. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a pen that's a replica of the connected bones of the human finger -- a metacarpal and three li'l phalanges. Looks like the middle finger, judging from its attitude. Courtesy of newbie Bridget Goodman of Philadelphia, who brought it down with her to the Loserfest weekend in Baltimore last month. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 31. Put "Week 831" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 19. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Mike Ostapiej; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Beverley Sharp. Report From Week 827, in which we asked you to do free work for Washington Post Magazine humor columnist Gene Weingarten, in the form of coming up with stupid questions to ask customer service representatives on the phone. In return, Gene did free work for the Empress, choosing the winner and all the Losers below from a list of her finalists. Gene indeed plans to make some of the calls below. The Winner of the Inker To the White House: My 2006 Chrysler Sebring is hesitating when I step on the accelerator. When can I bring it in? (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge) 2. To Procter & Gamble: I love your Charmin toilet paper, but I hate those rolls that dispense from the underside. Can you tell me where I can buy rolls that dispense from the top of the roll? (James Noble, Lexington Park) 3.To Whole Foods: Can I just come in to your downtown store and buy a cow? (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) 4. To Colgate: Goo goo ga ga ma ma. . . . What, you're not understanding? Then why do your instructions for your Peroxyl Antiseptic Oral Cleanser very clearly say, "Children under 2: Consult a dentist or physician"? (Les Greenblatt, Ann Arbor, Mich.) The Lines Are Down: Honorable Mentions Ikea: The table I ordered arrived, but all the legs are broken off! (Beverley Sharp, Washington) I bought some Clairol Perfect 10 Hair Color for my wife. She's a wonderful woman, but she's normally a perfect 4. After using your product she's a 5½ , 6 tops. Should she use more of the stuff or what? (Fran Pfeffer and Dave Zarrow, Reston) Apple: Wouldn't it have been more practical to invent an Ear Phone? (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) General Mills: I just turned 18 and I was wondering if I have to give up Trix now or do I still count as a kid until I'm 21? (Adam and Russell Beland, from the South Rim of the Grand Canyon) Washington Mutual: Are you still making those home loans that people don't have to pay back? (David Kleinbard) Peterson's TOEFL prep: Not good of the TOEFL practice is being on me! Money of purchase returning please and thanks, mister! (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) Trojan: I noticed that you offer your product in Regular, Large and Extra Large. I'm not, well, any of those, so I'm just snipping off the end. Is that okay? (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Md.) Speedo: Your swimsuits look great on the young females at our pool, but I worry that I may be checking out a minor. Is there any way you can label the bathing suits to identify the wearer as over 18 and okay to ogle? (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Crest: "I've been using your Whitening Strips for weeks now, but I look just as black as ever!" (Kathleen Brasington, Annapolis) GlaxoSmithKline: I have six kids named Chesterfield, Winston, Lark, BensonHedges, Doral and Kool. If I name my new baby Nicorette, can I get a free coupon for your products? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Jiffy Lube: What if I don't want my boyfriend to be in such a hurry? (Jane Auerbach) Rolex: I recently purchased one of your fine timepieces and I just noticed that there is an extra "L" in the logo. Would removing that be covered under the warranty, and if so, can I just take it back to the stand where I bought it to have that done? (Dan Ramish, Arlington) Ivory Liquid: "I've been using your product regularly, but my piano keys are still squishy." (Jennifer Hart) Zest: I have a pound cake recipe that calls for lemon zest, but I'm only finding Aloe Splash and Ocean Energy at my local store. Can I use one of those instead? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) ShamWow: I see these cloths hold 12 times their weight in liquid. So, let's say I run out of gas: How many do you think I would need to soak my neighbor's car's tank dry? (Larry Yungk, Arlington) MPS Group job recruiters: "My wife suffers from MPS, and the Midol is not getting it done. I was hoping you had a stronger product that would make her easier to live with." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Nike: I just did it. Do you offer carpet cleaning tips? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Playtex: Every morning at 8, I put on one of your 18-Hour Bras, but I have to wake up at 2 a.m. to take it off before it expires. I like the lift and separation, but I need more sleep! (Jennifer Hart) And Last: The Washington Post: I see you have someone who claims she's an Empress. Why don't you release her birth certificate? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Next Week: Inhuman Puns, or Wry Societies ====================================================================== WEEK 832, published August 29, 2009 Week 832: Clue Us In 1 Across: HUBRIS: Cocky mohel's flaw Sorry, we're no longer going to have an annual backward-crossword contest -- in which you supply one or more clues for the words in a filled-in grid. We're going biannual, thanks to Bob Klahn of the CrosSynergy puzzle syndicate, who wrote us asking if he could please please please make a puzzle just for The Style Invitational. (The renowned Paula Gamache will once again contribute her puzzle in a few months.) As usual, it's more important for the clues to be funny than to fit crossword conventions; for instance, you don't have to signal wordplay by ending the clue with a question mark -- otherwise almost every clue would have one. Still, as for a crossword, the clue needs to match the part of speech; if the word is a singular noun, the clue can't refer to a plural verb. Offer as many clues as you like, but be concise, because we're cramped more than ever on this page. Please say which word the clue is for; don't just write "36 Down." Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the recently awarded Superfly Monkey slingshot toy, regifted by Lois Douthitt, who ended up -- we swear this was not engineered -- winning the prize she donated to us. (The Empress let her have a mug instead.) Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 8. Put "Week 832" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Chris Doyle. Report From Week 828, in which we asked you to make puns on the names of groups (such as music groups), organizations or companies. As usual with pun contests, there's a high groan factor here. The Winner of the Inker Swansong Dinners: Healthy frozen entrees for those final Death Row meals. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) 2. winner of the the notecards with images of ancient aroused-warriors art: The National Sympathy Orchestra: For when the Salvation Army decides that one bell-ringer just isn't enough. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) 3. J. Crüe: For the preppy hard-rocker. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) 4. Chick-feel-A: A spinoff of Hooters where the clientele gets to grab the waitresses. (Nancy Lawrence, Annandale, a First Offender) The Business Drecktory: Honorable Mentions Who makes the tightest jeans on the market? Le Vise! (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Fiends of the Earth: The National Association of Strip Miners, Seal Clubbers and Old Dump Truck Drivers. (Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand) LensGrafters: We attach contacts permanently to your eyeballs. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Deere John: Break up in style with our goofy dump-a-grams delivered on lawn tractors! (Craig Dykstra) What store specializes in bagels, doughnuts and Life Savers? Hole Foods! (Roy Ashley, Washington; Dave Zarrow, Reston) Burlington Moat Factory: Classic home security systems. (Craig Dykstra) The Washingtn Natinals: Who Needs the O's? (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Hannity Fair: Also known as Oxymoron Monthly. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Incontinental Airlines: On our planes, all the seats are toilet seats. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) L.L. Bran: Clothing for the "active" senior. (Craig Dykstra) Ku Klutz Klan: When they tried to set a cross on fire, they set their robes on fire instead. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Playtext: The first bra that comes with a built-in phone: Sending a message has never been so much fun! (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) What's the name of that new prosthetic supply house? Hands' End! (Charles Koelbel, Houston) Chef Boyar-D-minus: Pasta in a can. (John Shea) On what planes do they still call the flight attendants "stewardesses"? On Leerjets! (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Confidential Airlines: Want to hike the Appalachian Trail in Buenos Aires? We'll get you there! (Charles Koelbel) Phasebook: Keeping you wasting your time until the next big thing comes along. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Where's the best place to shop for high-water pants and short-sleeve dress shirts? Nerdstrom! (Elise Jacobs, Silver Spring, a First Offender; Stephen Dudzik) Boing Aircraft: Safest planes on the market with their patented rubber fuselage. (Dave Zarrow) What PR firm has the best spinmeisters? Whirlpol! (Dave Zarrow) Where can I outfit my survival bunker? Have you tried Fear 1? (Elise Jacobs) Congressional Fudge-It Office: "If you don't like our cost assessment, we'll change it." (James Noble, Lexington Park) Bang of America: A nationwide chain of brothels. (Craig Dykstra) Wells Neargo: Local deliveries only. (Vic Krysko) Dead Mobster: Where you can eat fish with the fishes. (Yuki Henninger, Vienna) The Boston Rude Sox: "Stop asking us about steroids, you #@&*{$181}%!!!" (Cy Gardner) Loins Club: It's a, um, service organization. (Chris Doyle) Next Week: Limerixicon 6, or Di-Odes ====================================================================== WEEK 833, published September 5, 2009 Week 833: Our Greatest Hit Platyplus: A mammal with webbed feet, a duck bill and opposable thumbs. (Russell Beland, Springfield, 2003) Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. (David Genser, Arlington, 1998) It's the only contest for which the Empress receives unsolicited entries, year round, year after year, from people who've gotten the idea that this is all we do here in Invitetown. Let's hope they stumble on this year's version: Start with a real word or multi-word term or name that begins with M, N, O or P; either add one letter, subtract one letter, replace one letter or transpose two adjacent letters; and define the new word, as in the examples above. Note that it's the original word, not the result, that must start with one of those letters. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets the Style Invitational International Delight Gourmet Gift Pak, which consists of a can of haggis (primary ingredients: lamb lungs and oatmeal), sent from Scotland by traveling Loser Drew Bennett of the Ozarks, who couldn't find any squirrel on the shelves in Edinburgh; and a can of the tasty fungus that Mexicans call huitlacoche and the less marketing-inclined have termed corn smut, donated by occasional Loser Mike Czuhajewski. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 14. Put "Week 833" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 829, In which we asked for limericks featuring words that begin with di-, in a nod to the ongoing efforts at Oedilf.com to assemble a whole dictionary's worth of five-line doggerel. And for hundreds of the almost 900 entries we received, the emphasis was on "dog," with people submitting such "rhymes" as "differential calculus/ridiculous," "diabolic/Catholic" and "middle/pickle." But as always, they were blown out of the water by the work of some inspired limericians, most of them veteran Invitational Losers but also some once-a-year visitors as well as a few First Offenders. Note the numerous across-the-pond Losers this week; hence rhymes like "ignore/law." The Winner of the Inker She's a girl of outstanding dimensions (Two of which were her surgeon's inventions). She's got 36D- 22-33 . . . And a PhD nobody mentions. (Andrew Burnet, Edinburgh, Scotland, a First Offender) 2. the winner of the bacon- and cupcake-flavor dental floss, plus the bacon mints: A dimwitted local Fort Worther Is a formerly vocal flat-Earther. This yokel was due To latch onto a new Source of lunacy: Now he's a birther. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3. The new diet I'm on is a winner: It's just sauerkraut, breakfast through dinner. The gas from both ends Repels all of my friends, So from farther away, I seem thinner! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 4. An ecdysiast twists at the hip, Reaches down for a hands-to-feet grip, Then remains in that pose While disrobing, which shows The high art of the Möbius strip. (Chris Doyle) Now Direct Your Attentions to Hon'rable Mentions When one person's word is the law, That's dictatorship. Do not ignore Or contest the decrees Addressed to you, please: Just say "Yes, dear," and not a word more. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) Mixing cyanide, lye and dioxin, You can make the world's second-worst toxin. (If you're looking to go For the ultimate, throw My three teenagers' sneakers and socks in.) (Brendan Beary) You're sloshed, Al!" his lady admonished. "Yer right, luv," he slurred. "I'm astonished! I'd try to refute That I'm drunk as a coot, But that would be bein' dishonesht." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Though she cheated on me, I can't blame her, Since she'd warned me no marriage could tame her: Repeating, "I do," She'd then whispered, "Not true." (Maybe next time I'll heed the disclaimer.) (Jim Pettit, Naples, Fla., a First Offender) Mr. Waters? A call on the line, With a gender I just can't define. Someone born long ago To an actor you know -- It's Chianti, the fruit of Divine. (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) In and out of the bathroom all night. Diarrhea: My stomach's not right. All I ate was a Frito, And then a Dorito: Two chips that had passed in the night. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) "I just love Mister Springsteen," she flirted. "Ma'am, your ticket is fake!" the guard blurted. "But I'm in the front row!" "Ma'am, you still have to go." So she left, feeling quite disconcerted. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Archimedes excitedly raced Through the town when the water displaced Made him bellow, "Eureka!" That Syracuse streaka Showed off a lot more than poor taste. (Brendan Beary) The promoters had sweetened the pot, So the blues singers all made a lot, Excepting young Bo, Who would open the show. No, they didn't pay Diddley squat. (Chris Doyle) I've fitted my lamps with a dimmer That reduces their light to a glimmer, To protect my weak sight; The result is, tonight, That I can't see to finish this limer . . . (Hugh Thirlway) And Last, an Anti-invitational: Though disdain for the Rules is taboo, the Empress Might print a haiku. (Chris Doyle) Next Week: Mess With Our Heads, or Black and White and Misread All Over Low Fives: More Honorable-Mention Limericks From Style Invitational Week 829 Friday, September 4, 2009 10:54 AM Each limerick must feature a word beginning with di-. Diuretics, he threw in a bunch; Diarrhetics as well, is my hunch. So some spiteful old smarty Has ruined my party By serving the Old 1-2 Punch. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) "These disclosures," declared Berlusconi, "Are to put it succinctly, baloney. Naked girls on my landing? A misunderstanding!" (And thus grandstands il Grande Buffone.) (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) "You're divorcing in anger and spite, And a split of your assets seems right, But the poodle?" the judge Warns the pair who won't budge, "I just don't halve a dog in this fight." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) At an orgy, you welcome your guests In a way so that no one protests. It's a civilized man Who says, "Charmed!" rather than: "I call dibs on the blonde with big breasts!" (Chris J. Strolin, Belleville, Ill.) A didgeridoo, if you wonder Is a trumpet, bamboo, low as thunder. Aboriginal roots, It makes flatulent toots, Which computes . . . as it comes from Down Under. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) You know, lots of folks think that the dimple Is terribly cute, pure and simple. Well, I disagree -- A dimple, to me, Is merely an inverted pimple. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) I'm annoyed to the brink of distress, When a speaker begins to digress. Remember my rule: Don't sound like a fool: You must always -- hey, check out that dress! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) She lived in a trailer, you bet, And the place where the table was set Was where she believed That her child was conceived, And that's why she named her Dinette. (Harvey Smith, McLean) In Dublin they cherish the cherry; The date is the darling of Derry. They're proud of the pear In the county of Clare, But in Dingle they're bummed by the berry. (Chris Doyle) She was diffident: timid and shy. And she blushed as I brushed her fair thigh. I said, "Give it a whirl." "I'm not that kind of girl!" "That's okay, I'm that kind of a guy." (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) As to diets, I see this dichotomy: There are those that would not leave a lot o' me, While those I indulge in Result in gross bulgin': A figure all paunchy and bottomy. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) The way Emily Dickinson wrote -- Was to breathlessly over-emote -- And to overuse dashes That broke out like rashes -- And some of her lines -- didn't rhyme – (Brendan Beary) Dirty tricks have corrupted elections, With their lies spread to trigger defections From one party's voters (Remember Swift Boaters?) And snuck in too late for corrections. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) For the hooker, a wave of the hand From the dock is an age-old command. She's directing a sailor To shore, where he'll tail her And study the lay of the land. (Chris Doyle) Diacritical marks can enable An ac-CENT on a different syl-LAY-ble. But the more that you use, The more you may confuse Till your meaning is impene-TRAY-ble. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) ====================================================================== WEEK 834, published September 12, 2009 Week 834: Fractured Compounds Tap-fueled: The main type of energy system at a frat house. Here's a word-combination contest that's a combination contest in itself: Over the years, we've asked you to define various compound terms formed by the page headings on dictionaries and the Yellow Pages, and we've asked you to join the beginning and end of two different words within a single Washington Post story. And so Uber-Loser Russell Beland, in his 59th Invitational contest idea to see print (yes, they keep stats for that), suggests: Combine two full words within any single article appearing in The Washington Post or on washingtonpost.com into a hyphenated compound word, and define or otherwise describe the result, as in Russell's example above from a Sept. 8 story on health insurance. Please identify the story and date. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a tiny metal "Do Not Throw Paper in Toilet" sign found in Greece by Loser Kevin Dopart, who says the toilet paper there is so stiff that it has to go in the trash can. (He also noted that The Washington Post doesn't seem to have a motto . . .) Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 21. Put "Week 834" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Beverley Sharp. Happy New Year. Report From Week 830, in which we asked you to write funny "bank heads" for actual headlines in The Post. Lots of insensitive people saw "64 Killed in Plant Accident" and reinterpreted it as a Venus' flytrap run amok. And what naughty minds some of you have! To deter further off-color entries, we will not print the one from Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn., about something done to one "Sen. Whistle." There were so many good entries that we'll run some more next week. The Winner of the Inker Talk All You Want! Hook Up Now! High School Adopts 'Progressive' Policies (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 2. the winner of the Cushy Tushy knitted toilet seat rim cover: This Time, He Doesn't Answer Bell Watson Said to Be Working on 'Voice-Mail Contraption' (Mike Fransella, Arlington) 3. Zorn, Campbell Look at Big Picture But Neither Is Able to Identify Photo of End Zone (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 4. Several Methods Can Help You Find Studs Behind Drywall How to Pick Up the Hunkiest Construction Workers (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) B-Headed: Honorable Mentions Neighborhood Watch Recession Forces Bethesda Residents to Share a Single Rolex (Christopher Lamora, Arlington; Cy Gardner, Arlington) When a Towel Is Too Tough to Figure Out Sarah Palin Throws In the Washcloth (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Nationals Sign Pitcher to Record Contract 'For That Kind of Money, He Better Be Able to Sing, Too,' Lerner Says (Craig Dykstra, Centreville; Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville) In Six Months, Williams Has Dropped 111 Pounds British Poker Player Continues Modest Losing Streak (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Death Row Prisoner Wins Hearing Deafness Cured Days Before Execution; Will Be Able to Listen to Zapping (Lisa Trossarello-Christian, Rex, Ga.) U.Va.'s Barker Follows Large Footprints Campus Police Set Bloodhound on Trail After Sasquatch Sighting (William J. Collinge, Gettysburg, Pa.) Back to the Garden Undaunted, God Vows to Try Again With Adam & Eve 2.0 (William Bradford, Washington) Quirós Has Length. Now He Needs Drive Mrs. Quirós Now Sorry She Let Sportswriters Into Bedroom (Roy Ashley, Washington; Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Va. Commuter Trains to Get Millions From Federal Stimulus Stafford County Carpooler Studies 'Cash In Now' Booklet 200 Times on Ride to D.C. (Ed Gordon, Georgetown, Tex.) 'Old Goats' Combine to Stifle Arizona Why You Shouldn't Wear Cashmere in Phoenix (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.) Bolt's Best Times Lightning Most Likely to Strike in Late Afternoon, NOAA Says (Russell Beland) Obama Defends New Tack in Afghanistan Says Geneva Convention Technically Bans Only Thumbscrews (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Just Let It Soak In New Transfusion Method Less Painful but Awfully Messy (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Yoga Is for Everyone Spandex Is Not (Pete Morelewicz, Washington) Why Obama May or May Not Reappoint Bernanke to a Second Term Because There's Not a Third Option, Is There? (Russell Beland) Long Balls Are Costly for Tillman and Orioles Pitcher Asks for Round Ones Next Time (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Break-In at Lohan's Panty Raiders Disappointed, Leave Empty-Handed (Craig Dykstra) 'Paradox Now!' Exhibit Will Be Postponed Until Yesterday (Christopher Lamora) Home Refinancers Have Little-Used Tool 'Women Won't Go Out With Me Anymore,' Mortgage Broker Laments (Rick Haynes) Leader of North Sends Word to South's Lee Lincoln's Battlefield Communique Arrives 144 Years Late (Mike Fransella) 'We Don't Have Anybody From Washington Down Here' Sarcastic Satan Jokes With Friends (Marleen May, Rockville) Palin's Red Menace Ex-Gov. Releases Her Own Line of Lipstick (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Vick Begins Anew With the Eagles 'Parole Officer Only Said No Dogs,' QB Explains (Tom Fusco, Derwood, a First Offender) Executive Openings Filled at Freddie Mac But Congress Likely to Tear Them a Few New Ones (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Redskins Look at Bright Side Team Keeps 'Going Toward the Light' (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) Next Week: A Big To-Do, or Pre-Kickoff Activities ====================================================================== WEEK 835, published September 19, 2009 Week 835: Tour de Fours VI Notre Ham: A college where the pigskin is king. Caterthriller: "Pupa Transformers II." Against all odds and perhaps better judgment, the Empress marks her 300th Style Invitational contest this week. In commemoration (if you stretch it), we'll take a turn with this annual contest, part of our Late Summer Neologism Marathon: Coin and define a humorous word that includes -- with no other letters between them, but in any order -- the letters T, H, R and E, as in the examples above. It has to be a new word (or two-word phrase), not a new definition for a well-known existing word. You may add a hyphen for clarity. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets one of the finer examples of Mollusk Kitsch we've seen lately, discourtesy of 13-time Loser Cheryl Davis: a tiny sculpture of (see slideshow to the right), well, Shells Playing Poker. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 29. Put "Week 835" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp; this week's Honorable Mentions name was sent by too many people to credit. Report From Week 831, in which we sought items that might be on well-known people's "bucket lists" of things to achieve before they died. And as promised, we offer some overflow from two earlier contests. The Winner of the Inker On Lassie's bucket list: To poop without someone yelling "CUT!" (Rick Haynes, Potomac) 2.the winner of the finger-bone replica pen: Will Rogers: To meet Donald Trump. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 3.Bernie Madoff: To steal a million cigarettes. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) 4.Sarah Brady: To pry Charlton Heston's gun out of his cold, dead hands. (Jon Graft, Centreville) Pails in Comparison: Honorable Mentions Martha Stewart: Do it on mismatched sheets. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Sigmund Freud: Tell Mom how much I love her. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich., a First Offender; Ira Allen, Bethesda) Neil Armstrong: Go back and find my car keys. (Jim Noble, Lexington Park) Michael Phelps: Swim faster, stronger, higher. (Kevin Dopart) Hugh Hefner: Octuplets. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Stephen Hawking: 1. Determine the origins of the universe; 2. Demystify the complexities of black holes; 3. Complete the mathematical modeling of antimatter; 4. Scratch that itch on the end of my nose. (Jim Noble) Captain Ahab: Spend an afternoon going after sunfish with worms and a bamboo pole. (G. Smith, New York) Pete Rose: Win the pool on when I'll be allowed into the Hall of Fame. (Chuck Koelbel, Houston) Barry Manilow: Get that stupid "I Write the Songs" tune out of my head. (Chuck Koelbel) Eric Burdon: Get out of this place. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Martin Luther: Finally finish Nos. 96-100. (Eric Cline, Chevy Chase, a First Offender) Kato Kaelin: Get 15 more minutes of fame. Okay, eight. (Chuck Koelbel) Popeye: Eat off a plate. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Paul McCartney: 1. Rent a cottage in the Isle of Wight. 2. Buy the Isle of Wight. (Jon Graft) Lou Dobbs: Find a landscaper who'll return my calls. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) James Bond: Make love to an average-looking chubby woman. (Rick Haynes) And Last: Russell Beland: Win enough honorable-mention prizes to alter magnetic north. (Russell Beland) Old News: More 'Bank Heads' From Week 830 More of last week's "bank heads" attached to actual Post headlines: Cell Service to Expand on Metro More Subway Cars to Relieve Prison Overcrowding (Dave Zarrow, Reston) Cooperative Being Pushed as an Alternative to a Government Plan 'Find Us a Cooperative Being and We'll Think About It,' House Leaders Say (Cy Gardner) Nearly 30 Species May Get Protections New Technology Enables Manufacture of Tiny Condoms (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Chávez Tide Ebbs Venezuelans Don't Like New Accent Mark in President's Name (Russell Beland) Compact Crossover Is GM's Ticket to Renewal Ailing Auto Giant Hires Chaz Bono as Spokes . . . person (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) A Harsh Lesson in College Math 0.7 = 50 Hours (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Credit Card Companies Step Up the Swipe Quota for Rewards Programs Employees Get Bonuses for Increased Customer Bilking (Cy Gardner; Russ Taylor, Vienna) Ancient Quotes: 'Inside Words' From Week 826 C'aft'an: A garment with ample trunk space. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Ma'cad'am: Hit the road, Jack. (Jan Brandstetter, Mechanicsville, Md.) Nau'seat'e: To look under the chairs at a movie theater. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) S'hamas': An exploding candle installed in a menorah. (Gary Pasternack, Baltimore, a First Offender) T'her'mom'eter: If you think my girlfriend is hot, you should see . . . (Craig Dykstra) S'urge'ry: Drastic punishment for sex offenders. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) 'Fib'romyalgia: An excuse to call in sick. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Tambo'urine': The instrument you're given to play when you're [past] poor at everything else. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) B'rightest': Alberto Gonzales's Justice Department hires. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Next Week: Clue Us In, or Cross Straining ====================================================================== WEEK 836, published September 26, 2009 Week 836: Other People's Business If a hospital ran an English restaurant, the food would improve. Congress A hospital A Wall Street investment house McDonald's Match.com The Kohler bathroom fixture company A sperm bank A college English department Microsoft The Redskins It's time to get away from our string of pure-wordplay contests with this idea courtesy of Do Anything for Ink Loser Peter Metrinko: Describe what might happen if any of the above institutions (a) were run by an institution of your choice or (b) ran an institution of your choice. Your choice may be an institution from the list, too. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a 1994 paper-doll book called "Bill & Al's Excellent Adventure," which, let's just say, is not quite as reverent toward No. 42 as the earlier Bush paper-doll book prize was toward No. 41 (the latter, for example, lacked a bustier and fishnet stockings). Donated by Beverley Sharp. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 5. Put "Week 836" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Dave Prevar; this week's Honorable Mentions name, which we have no place for but should be "Thin Hints," is by Mike Ostapiej, who sent it to us from Baghdad. Report From Week 832: This year's backward crossword puzzle. Once again, we're printing the best entries from among the 2,000 we received, choosing two clues for some words while skipping a number of others. The crossword's constructor, Bob Klahn, helped choose the winners. You have to puzzle out some of these: For instance, the clue for "HOPE" needs you to read it as "ho P.E." You're on your own for the rest. -- READ THIS FIRST! Would you rather actually try to use these and other clues to solve the puzzle? Then stop reading here and go to http://washingtonpost.com/styleinvitationaland click on "Solve the Week 832 Crossword." Warning: It's gonna be hard. ACROSS 1. HUBRIS: The presumption that one is a cut above everyone else. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 7. BLAB: Where thiamine and riboflavin are made (Rob Cohen, Potomac) 14. UNMADE: Some general assembly required (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Chased but still chaste (Roy Ashley, Washington) 15. ROSE: A thorny problem for baseball (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 16. PEA: The best line on a jock's report card (Chuck Koelbel, Houston) 19. ETC: And that singer for the band Chicago (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) 20. BARON: Nobleman shooting nothing but blanks (Peter Boice, Rockville) 21. SPRIT: A ghost with one eye missing. (James Noble, Lexington Park) 22. ILSA: Reply to "How do you feel, private?" (Joel Lipman, Wilmington, Del., a First Offender) 26. EPCOT: Manifest Disney (Chris Doyle ) 29. ECRU: A color the human male cannot distinguish (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) 30. TOWRITEOURCLUES: Anagram for "erotic owl uterus" (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) 33. SPASM: Junk mail sent by a jerk (John O'Byrne, Dublin) 34. STOAT: ABA's preferred alternative to "weasel" (Russ Taylor, Vienna) 35. YEN: The movie short that Streisand really wanted to make (John O'Byrne ) 36. BIB: Octogenarian's dinner wear (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) 40. SIS: 1/7 of the Pleiades, familiarly (Kevin Dopart) 45 Third place: RAMBO: Sure way for White House limo driver to get fired (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Halftime smell in the St. Louis locker room. (Chris Doyle) 53. MEDEA: Precedes "you busted" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Ward Kay, Vienna) 54, with 52A. GEST AREA: Womb (Jeff Contompasis) 57. BIJOU: Had both a bar- and a bat mitzvah. (Tom Murphy, Bowie) 68 Winner of the Inker: REARUP: Proctologist's "Say ah" (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville) 69. MET: 1962 inspiration for Nat. (Ira Allen) 70. GOOD: Bad advice for Joplin and Hendrix (Dean Evangelista, Rockville) DOWN 1. HUH: What Napoleon said when he saw Elba (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 3. BMW: Bush Number Two (Ben Aronin, Washington) 4. RAWBARS: Dan'l Boone's vittles on the trail (G. Smith, New York) 5. IDEA: Store selling "furniture concepts" (Chuck Koelbel) 7. BRONCOS: Slightly irregular Veg-O-Matics and Ginsu Knives (George Vary, Bethesda) New euphemism for "nice set of lungs" (Jeff Contompasis) 8. LOO: Snorkeler's emoticon (Chuck Koelbel) 10. BEES: Sting's college grades (Stephen Dudzik) 12. RETIRE: Drop out of Weight Watchers (Yuki Henninger, Vienna; George Vary) 18. HOPE: Exercises in rope-climbing, pole-dancing, etc. (Celeste Johnson, Hyattsville, a First Offender) 22. PELT: What PETA types may do to someone wearing one (Tom Murphy) 23. ITSY: What Spider-Man hates to be called in bed (Larry Yungk) With 28D: ITSY-TROU: A thong (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) 24. LOPE: Leisurely stroll to the altar (Steve Honley, Washington) 27. OUTS: One thing Washington makes efficiently (Ira Allen) 28. TROU: What's dropped during a full moon (Erika Hoffeld, Silver Spring, a First Offender) 32. CAPRI: Providence, for short (Ronald Averyt, Severn, a First Offender; Chris Doyle) 37. ITEM: Two unmarried celebrities who happen to appear in the same photo (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) 38 . BYTE: -- me, Microsoft! (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) 43. SLAT: Patty Hearst's shirt under her camouflage jacket (Christopher Lamora, Arlington; Kevin Dopart) 46 Second place, winner of the regifted Superfly Monkey slingshot: ANGULAR: What W calls a fisherman (Ward Kay) 47 Fourth place: WAMPUM: Manhattan transfer tokens (Jeff Contompasis) 58. OREO: First line of Shelley's "Ode to a Speedwagon" (Gary Krist, Bethesda) Beginning of Wicked Witch's Guards' cadence chant (G. Smith) 62. WOO: Unfinished wood (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) 65. EPT: Three little letters a young man fears even more than three little words (Christopher Lamora) Next Week: Our Greatest Hit, or As the Word Turns Are You Backward Enough to Solve the Style Invitational Crossword? Saturday, September 26, 2009 12:00 AM For the first time in the four-year history of The Style Invitational's backward-crossword contest, "Clue Us In," we're giving you the chance to see whether you can actually use the offbeat inking clues from the Losers in Week 832 to solve Bob Klahn's puzzle (which was constructed without clues). We've used a couple of Bob's clues as well. While many of the clues involve puns, they're not of the English "cryptic crossword" genre, in which an anagram of the word is embedded in the clue. But a lot of them do require some mental gymnastics: For example, the four-letter answer of 18 Across will be a two-letter word followed by a two-letter abbreviation. Click here to see the answer grid: If the clues here are stretched out over multiple pages, just click on Print in the box on this page, and you'll get them all on one page. ACROSS 1. The presumption that one is a cut above everyone else. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 7. Where thiamine and riboflavin are made (Rob Cohen, Potomac) 11. It turns a brawler into a bar crawler (Bob Klahn) 14. Chased but still chaste (Roy Ashley, Washington) 15. A thorny problem for baseball (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 16. The best line on a jock's report card (Chuck Koelbel, Houston) 17. Either "on the basis of humor and originality" or whatever's on the top of the stack (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) 19. And that singer for the band Chicago (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) 20. Nobleman shooting nothing but blanks (Peter Boice, Rockville) 21. A ghost with one eye missing. (James Noble, Lexington Park, Md.) 22. Reply to "How do you feel, private?" (Joel Lipman, Wilmington, Del., a First Offender) 26. Manifest Disney (Chris Doyle) 29. A color the human male cannot distinguish (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) 30. Anagram for "erotic owl uterus" (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) 33. Junk mail sent by a jerk (John O'Byrne, Dublin) 34. The ABA's preferred alternative to "weasel" (Russ Taylor, Vienna) 35. The movie short that Streisand really wanted to make (John, O'Byrne) 36. Octogenarian's dinner wear (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) 39. How to greet your doc (Steve Johnson, Alexandria) 40. 1/7 of the Pleiades, familiarly (Kevin Dopart) 43. 11th or 12th grade (several readers) 45. Third place: RAMBO: Sure way for White House limo driver to get fired (Ira Allen) 47. Next test for Clinton after "is" (Kevin Dopart) 52. See 54 Across 53. Words preceding "you busted" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Ward Kay, Vienna) 54. With 52A, a womb (Jeff Contompasis) 55. They support a sail's tacks (Chris Doyle) 57. Had both a bar- and a bat mitzvah. (Tom Murphy, Bowie) 59. Shirt worn by math geeks on March 14 (Bob Klahn) 60. The new Wii Self Esteem game (Kerry Humphrey, Woodbridge) 66. Home of the world's 37th-finest health system (several readers) 67. Name of a Russian beaver (several readers) 68, winner of the Inker: Proctologist's equivalent of "Say ah" (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Md.) 69. 1962 inspiration for Nat. (Ira Allen) 70. Bad advice for Joplin and Hendrix (Dean Evangelista, Rockville) 71. Restaurant cleanser (several readers) DOWN 1. What Napoleon said when he saw Elba (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 2. Fake climax (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) 3. BMW: Bush Number Two (Ben Aronin, Washington) 4. Dan'l Boone's vittles on the trail (G. Smith, New York) 5. Store selling "furniture concepts" (Chuck Koelbel) 6. What Victoria lost a long time ago (John Shea) 7. Slightly irregular Veg-O-Matics and Ginsu Knives (George Vary, Bethesda) 8. Snorkeler's emoticon (Chuck Koelbel) 9. With 36 Across, a diaper (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) 10. Sting's college grades (Stephen Dudzik) 11. Something found inside paper cuts (Jeff Contompasis) 12. Drop out of Weight Watchers (Yuki Henninger, Vienna; George Vary) 13. Desert acupuncture kit (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) 18. Exercises in rope-climbing, pole-dancing, etc. (Celeste Johnson, Hyattsville, a First Offender) 22. What PETA types may do to someone wearing one (Tom Murphy) 23. With 28 Down, a thong (Craig Dykstra) 24. Leisurely stroll to the altar (Steve Honley) 25. Ugly Duckling's egg donor (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) 27. One thing Washington makes efficiently (Ira Allen) 28. What's dropped during a full moon (Erika Hoffeld, a First Offender) 31. What's said at the church's new Texting Confessional (several readers) 32. Providence, for short (Ronald Averyt, Severn, a First Offender; Chris Doyle) 37. Two unmarried celebrities who happen to appear in the same photo (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind. 38. -- me, Microsoft! (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) 40. "Snot you, -- -- " (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) 41. What's an alternative to the AP program? (several readers) 42. State of the Cialis market (Kevin Dopart) 43. Underweight hussy (several readers) 44. Apparatchick (Chris Doyle) 46, second place, winner of the regifted Superfly Monkey slingshot: What W calls a fisherman (Ward Kay) 47, fourth place: Manhattan transfer tokens (Jeff Contompasis) 48. Set up a retirement account in England (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 49. Number of vampires per maison, for example (Jim Lubell) 50. Mudder rudder (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) 51. Lee and anthropology (Dan Klein, McLean) 56. A quick drink after which you'll have toupee (Larry Yungk) 58. Beginning of Wicked Witch's Guards' cadence chant (G. Smith) 61. Maniac on loose in D.C. (Stephen Dudzik) 62. Unfinished wood (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) 63. Backward dude (Michael Baker, Elkridge) 64. What they do after saying, "It's not about the money" (Chris Doyle) 65. Three little letters a young man fears even more than three little words (Christopher Lamora) ====================================================================== WEEK 837, published October 3, 2009 Week 837: Strip Search It's not a good time to get into the comic strip business: Despite the ever-growing need for humor in our lives, newspapers have been cutting way back on the number and size of the funnies they run. Here's a way to free up some space, suggested some time ago by Stephen Dudzik of Olney and just the other day by Michael Kilby of Wildau, Germany: Combine two comic strips that appear in The Washington Post or at washingtonpost.com/comics and describe the result, as in the example above. You don't have to have a "mash title," as this one does; you can instead explain what happens when one or more characters of one strip join those in the other. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a cool old-fashioned flip book showing, when you flip from the front and from the back, Mickey Mantle batting left and batting right. Donated by Andrew Hoenig. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 12. Put "Week 837" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 31. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions name is by Beverley Sharp. Report From Week 833, our perennial contest in which we asked you to take a real word, name or multi-word term -- this time beginning with M, N, O or P -- and add or subtract one letter, substitute one letter or transpose two adjacent letters, and describe the result. Once again, lots of wickedly clever neologisms among the 2,500 entries -- but no one played on "neologism." Incredible Milestone Alert: With last week's results, Kevin Dopart of Washington bounded across the 500-ink line as the seventh and by far the speediest member of the Style Invitational Hall of Fame: Kevin began entering the Invite only four years ago. His E-Z key to success? Just enter every single contest for 200-plus weeks, with a ton of entries every week -- including 163 (!) for the contest below -- most of them strikingly clever and funny. The Winner of the Inker Mulatte: Rejected name for Starbucks' new half-coffee/half-milk drink. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) 2. the winner of the cans of genuine imported haggis and corn smut: Sparadigm: A model panhandler. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3. Cold Faithful: Spouse who won't sleep with you anymore, but at least isn't sleeping with anyone else, either. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) 4. Parismonious: Describing the portions of food served at a French restaurant. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) A Change for the Worse: Honorable Mentions Pathletic: Hopelessly uncoordinated. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Bordures : A store that specializes in bathroom reading material. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Nowscaster: A Twitterer. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Morning gory: The half-chewed mouse the cat thoughtfully leaves on your side of the bed. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Phonym: e.g., "Tom" from the Bangalore help desk. (Kevin Dopart) Pollbearer: The guy who carries the Cook County cemetery ballots. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Methuselay: Romance at the old folks' home. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Pal de mer: A barf bag. (Les Greenblatt, Ann Arbor, Mich.) Adagascar: New name for the Hummer. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Oediplus: Theban king who inadvertently slept with his mother and his sister. (Brendan Beary, Great Miills) Costentatious: "Forgetting" to remove the price tag from an expensive objet d'art. (Anne Paris, Arlington) Moonucleosis: The butt-kissing disease. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Pilatitude: Annoying encouragement from the fitness instructor: "Feel the power!" "You know you can do it!" (Pam Sweeney) Public hair: The result of a Speedo malfunction. (Dean Evangelista, Rockville) Masochistick: A golf club. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) M?bius Strep: A virus that keeps going around. (Elise Jacobs, Silver Spring) Postnaval drip: A retired admiral who bores you with war stories. (Chris Doyle) Porximity: The personal space of the fat guy in the adjacent seat. (Craig Dykstra) Liver Twist: What they call rotgut in London. You probably won't ask for more. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Zornography: Game film of the Redskins getting it every which way. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) Okrap: What most people say when first biting into okra. (Tom Witte) Mistoke: Lighting up a fat one at a stoplight next to an unmarked police car. (Kat Nove, Kerrville, Tex., a First Offender) Pimplex: A high school campus. (Kevin Dopart) NIMBY-pamby: Not In My Back Yard (if that's okay with you). (Lawrence McGuire) Peripathetic: Going nowhere. (Tom Witte) X-menarche: The initial blossoming of a superhero's powers. (Judy Blanchard) Muscle cart: A six-horsepower Amish dragster. (Chris Doyle) Purgeatory: The bathroom at the modeling agency. (Peter Metrinko) Pillowcasas: The houses you used to make from the sofa cushions. (Craig Dykstra) Magnum pus: A big zit. (Les Greenblatt) Trize: The "participant" trophy given to Little League bench-sitters. (Brian Cort?s, Hockessin, Del., a First Offender) Nincompop: The father of any teen. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Majoritsy: A 51 percent "mandate." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Midlift crisis: The sudden realization during your cosmetic surgery that even with all this, you'll never look 25 again. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Oopspore: The egg that was fertilized when the condom broke. (Brendan Beary) Unclear fusion: The Democratic Party. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Octopush: To labor under a mass conception. (Beverley Sharp) Smoron: A graham cracker cooked between two marshmallows. (Kevin Dopart) Momniscience: The ability to know just who broke that vase. (Kallen Dun, Hockessin, Del., a First Offender) Pubic defender: Chastity belt. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Psychiatryst: The shrink with the stained couch. (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.) Piroulette: How ballerinas decide who gets the pas de deux with the one straight guy. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) Mobstetrician: Deliverer of the Gambino bambinos. (Anne Paris) Menses: What do you mean it's not a valid entry? I switched the first S with the second S!!!!!! (Roy Ashley, Washington) Next Week: Fractured Compounds, or Post Hitching ====================================================================== WEEK 838, published October 10, 2009 Week 838: Picture This Almost-Forever Style Invitational Cartoonist Bob Staake almost cannot stop making art. He does covers for the New Yorker. He is the author and/or illustrator of 47 books, including four children's picture books that have not yet been released. You can even see him making his art (via Photoshop) on YouTube. In fact, the only way we've been able to stop Bob from making art is to have him draw cartoons such as the ones here. This week: Provide a caption for any of these pictures. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a bag of sproingy-curly black fake hair for use on dolls, discourtesy of Loser Pie Snelson. This hair looks eerily like the Empress's own hair (see slideshow, along with the cartoons) except that it is devoid of gray. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt -- now in the Loser colors of "maroon" and gold -- or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 19. Put "Week 838" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Dave Zarrow; this week's honorable-mentions name is by Chris Doyle. Report From Week 834, in which we asked you to combine any two words from a single Washington Post story into a hyphenated compound word, and define it (we also accepted entries in which one of the elements was already a compound). Smart-alecky Over-Loser Russell Beland, realizing that the Empress had not specified which days' papers could be used, submitted entries from Posts of June 4, 1957 (his birthdate), and Oct. 10, 1972 (a big Watergate story). The Winner of the Inker Up-Jones: Outdo the neighbors. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) 2. the winner of the Greek "Do Not Throw Paper in Toilet" sign: Mantra-reform: Om improvement. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3. Air-football: Redskins fans' futile gestures as they try to will the ball past the first-down marker. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) 4. Congressional-affordable: Unaffordable. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Sub-Merges: Honorable Mentions Knowledge-harbor: The brain. "There don't seem to be many boats docked in Sarah's knowledge-harbor." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Guantanamo-baptism: Cheney's euphemism for waterboarding. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Home-down: A foreclosure block party. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) A-holy: Despicably sanctimonious. (Chris Doyle) Hormone-filled-hurricane: The guy dating your daughter. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Bowels-amok: A newly discovered early film by John Waters. (Peter Metrinko) Garage-bustle: Earlier, more polite form of "lard-butt." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Nixon-ranks: Near the bottom portion of any distribution. "Among NFL quarterbacks, he's in the Nixon-ranks." (Russell Beland) Guillotine-cure: To fire someone rather than train him properly. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Economy-briefed: Wearing irregular underpants. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) More-dead: Condition of vampires who have stakes through their hearts. (Russell Beland) Dumas-zero: Loser who can't even spell. (Jeff Contompasis) Pop-age: The years preceding one's switch to the smooth-jazz station. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Out-white: What Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy are trying to do to each other. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) Hand-burger: The result of an accident at the packing plant. (Tom Witte) Imitation-sleazy: "I'm not a member of Congress, but I play one on TV." (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Plodding-package: Diagnosis requiring Viagra. (Christopher Lamora) Squint-castration: A babe's withering look that tells a guy in a bar, "Don't even think about it." (Dave Prevar) Yoga-bingo: Twister. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Anniversary-apology: The annual ritual marking a man's annual forgetting of the occasion that is supposed to reaffirm how important it is to him. (Elizabeth O'Neill and Ryan Van Alstyne, Manassas, First Offenders) Has-bean: An ex-vegan. (Chris Doyle) Evaporated-cow: Where evaporated milk comes from. (Mae Scanlan) Bear-head: The woods. (Chris Doyle) Sheet-blogging: The modern, real-time equivalent of kiss-and-tell memoirs. (Christopher Lamora) Zeroes-faking: Pretending to be rich. (Kevin Dopart) Matzoh-bowels: The Eleventh Plague. (Chris Doyle) Yahoo-spout: "Ask a question" at a town hall meeting on health insurance. (G. Smith, New York) Fishing-sober: Still able to sit upright. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Wigs-disease: Hairpiece simplex. (Chris Doyle) Knobby-appliances: Electronics from back in the 20th century. (Larry Yungk) And Last: Loser-postal: Dangerously ink-deprived. (Beverley Sharp) Next Week: Tour de Fours VI, or The Whole ERTH Catalog ====================================================================== WEEK 839, published October 17, 2009 Week 839: Overlap Dance Defibrillatte: Really, really strong coffee. Baseballoon: A coach who has "put on a few pounds" since his playing days. Cicadavers: Deceased people who surface every four years or so, for a Chicago mayoral election. It's been four weeks since the last neologism contest, which this season seems tantamount to the time since the Redskins wore helmets with the R on them. Here's one we did 16 months ago with a different part of the dictionary: This week: Overlap two words that share two or more consecutive letters -- anywhere in the word, not just the beginning and end -- into a single longer word, and define it. AND your portmanteau word must begin with a letter from A though D, though the second word in the combination may start with any letter. The examples above (by John Griessmayer, Toby Gottfried and Dave Zarrow, respectively) are from the first time we did this contest, back in 2002, Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a trio of coffee mugs labeled with the names and logos of the CIA, the NSA and the DIA, courtesy of Super-Secret Loser Cheryl Davis, who will soon just sort of disappear. And third- and fourth-place winners have their choice of the yearned-for Loser Mug or the newest version of the coveted Loser T-Shirt, shown here (see photo slideshow) by Style Invitational Swimsuit and T-Shirt Model Mae Scanlan. It's the same design on the front, but there's a new slogan (a runner-up in the previous slogan contest), by Horace LaBadie. And the shirt is now in lovely fall Loser colors. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 26. Put "Week 839" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by both Tom Witte and Craig Dykstra; this week's honorable-mentions name is by Judy Blanchard. Report From Week 835, in which, to mark the Empress's 300th column, we asked you to coin words that included the letters T, H, R and E, contiguously but in any order. The Winner of the Inker Interhuh: The grunt you make to let a phone caller know you're still on the line. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 2. the winner of the fantastic "Shells Playing Poker" sculpture: Waiterhole: Where your server disappears to when you're ready for the check. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) 3. Jethrogenous Zone: Appalachia. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) 4. Rhettriever: A dog that doesn't give a damn when you call him. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Et Ceterha: Honorable Mentions Zithereens: What's left after the folk musicians smash their instruments onstage. (Tom Witte) Thermopoly: Board game whose object is to lose gloriously. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) Earthenwear: Aftermath of a kindergarten pottery project. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Thermockstat: A hotel room device designed to make you think you can actually adjust the temperature. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Hater-hater: Someone who is prejudiced against bigots. (Tom Witte) Brotherel: A gay bordello. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) Rhettrovirus: Scarlett fever. (Judy Blanchard) Dethrilled: Brought the roller coaster to a gentle stop. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Dasher-turf: Snow on the roof. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Rethirty-nine: An action popularized by Jack Benny. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Grrrrthe! What the student said when assigned to read "Faust." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Dithrethpect: Teasing people who have speech impediments. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Derth: Lord Vader's clueless brother. (Craig Dykstra) Therapin: The University of Maryland psychology department mascot. (Jane Frank, McLean, a First Offender) Urethrill: No line at the ladies' room. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) VREthren: The regulars on the train in from Manassas. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Gloatherd: A stadium full of Yankees fans. (Tom Witte) Jesther: Biblical queen of comedy. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Mehtric: A measure of indifference. (Kevin Dopart; Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) Brither: A person who insists that President Obama was born in Israel. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Rethrobber: The fluffer on an adult-film set. (Stephen Dudzik) Twither: A social network for the elderly. (Judy Blanchard) Hester-hemotype: A. (Chris Doyle) Thatthere: An adjective used in Appalachia: "Bluebelle-Mae, pass me thatthere bowl of possum scrapple, thankye." (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Blatherlogue: The Congressional Record. (Ira Allen) Re-thing: What the surgeon did to John Wayne Bobbitt. (Craig Dykstra) Cashtree: The parents of a college student. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) And Last: Laughterthought: The brilliant Invitational entry you come up with just after the deadline. (Ann Martin) Next Week: Other People's Business, or Under New Manglement ====================================================================== WEEK 840, published October 24, 2009 Week 840: Frittering away the neurons Hiring a Russian: Looking to someone else to immediately and mysteriously solve a problem. Gnawing the wing: To enthusiastically engage in a mundane activity to a point just beyond normal involvement. Joining the Vikings: Making one last push in your career. One. Last. Push. Not-a-Loser-just-a-reader Jeff Hamilton brought our attention to the current issue of Esquire, which, along with "Kate Beckinsale Is the Sexiest Woman Alive" and "Blake Lively Cooks in Five-Inch Heels," features a nifty list of imaginative phrases to describe various situations, many of them in the X'ing-the-Y form, such as the examples above. This week: Give us some more colorfully useful phrases; they don't have to be in the X'ing-the-Y form. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a giant flamingo-shaped pen whose top is a huge pink plume and whose base is a big pink foot. You won't absently walk off with it, we guarantee. Donated by Cheryl Davis. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 2. Put "Week 840" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Pete Morelewicz; this week's honorable-mentions name is by Roy Ashley. Report from Week 836, in which we offered a list of institutions and asked you to describe what would happen if any of them ran, or were run by, another institution -- including any of the others on the list. A number of Losers noted that if Microsoft took over a sperm bank, it had better come up with another name. And that if McDonald's ran a college English department, it would have a ready supply of labor after graduation. Congress A hospital A Wall Street investment house McDonald's Match.com The Kohler bathroom fixture company A sperm bank A college English department Microsoft The Redskins The winner of the Inker If a sperm bank ran a hospital, nobody would care how old the waiting room magazines were. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) 2. the winner of the 1994 paper doll book "Bill & Al's Excellent Adventure": If Match.com ran the Redskins, Jason Campbell might actually connect with somebody now and then. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) 3. If a hospital ran Guantanamo, those prisoners would be out of there in three days. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) 4. If a Wall Street investment house ran your dry cleaner, you wouldn't have to remember to empty your pockets. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Bad company: Honorable mentions If the Kohler bathroom fixture company ran the Redskins, the season would be down a much nicer toilet. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville; Larry Yungk, Arlington; Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) If Microsoft ran the U.S. Army, boot camp would have to be followed by reboot camp. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) If Congress ran an elementary school, half the curriculum would be recess. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn; Kevin Dopart) If Warren Buffett ran Congress, then it would cost at least 10 times as much to buy it. (Ed Gordon, Georgetown, Tex.) If a hospital ran a funeral home, staffers would still come around at 6 a.m. to take everyone's temperature. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) If a hospital were run by Ryanair, the IV drips would be replaced by saline vending machines. (Samuel Aaron, Wellesley, Mass., a First Offender) If Facebook ran a hospital, the staff would know something about you. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) If a hospital ran a stationery store, paper would be known as a Graphite- and/or Ink- Receiving Device and cost $3,900 a sheet. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) If Tiffany's ran a hospital, babies would actually be born with silver spoons in their mouths. (Pat Kanz, Ocean Pines, Md.) If McDonald's ran a sperm bank, it could use the same current slogans: "Created Just for You," "I'm Lovin' It" and "Open Extra Wide." (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) If the Washington Nationals ran Match.com, at least you'd know at the start of your date that you're unlikely to make it to second base. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) If an investment house took over Kohler, it would change its name to Bare Sterns. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If the Redskins ran a sperm bank, Dan Snyder would charge a fee for naming rights. (Chuck Smith) If a sperm bank ran Microsoft, the Ybox would be more popular than the Xbox. (Judy Blanchard) If a college English department ran the Redskins, the games would still be pass-fail. (Dean Alterman, Portland, Ore.) If Microsoft ran the Redskins, their end zone would be labeled "404." (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) If the Redskins ran a sperm bank, the product would always fail in the red zone. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) If the Redskins were run by the Cherokee Nation, they'd be renamed the Washington Lying White Bastards. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) If the Kansas City Chiefs owned the Washington Redskins, then MAYBE that would explain what happened Sunday. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.) If the Redskins ran the Marine Corps, they wouldn't have beaten the spread on the invasion of Grenada. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) If the Redskins ran TD Ameritrade, it would just be Ameritrade. (Kevin Dopart) If the Redskins ran McDonald's, you could order the four-piece nuggets off the $20 value menu. (Jeff Contompasis) If the Masons secretly ran this contest, they wouldn't print any entries poking fun at them. Unless, what if they wanted to make it look like they didn't run it? In that case they'd print such an entry. And to really throw people off, it would be one that wasn't funny and didn't even fit the rules. (Russell Beland) And Last: If Kohler ran The Post, The Style Invitational would be on Page 1A. (Ward Kay, Vienna) Next week: Strip Search, or Panel Surfing ====================================================================== WEEK 841, published October 31, 2009 Week 841: Food for naught Lice Krispies: The cereal that goes Snap! Crackle! Gaack! General So-So's Chicken: A stir-fry dish that spent a little too long in the wok. The examples explain it all -- or should. This week: Alter the name of a food or dish slightly and describe the result, as in the examples above by 74-time Loser Christopher Lamora, who suggested this contest. (He wins a mini-tube of cola-flavored toothpaste.) By "alter slightly," we mean not so much that a non-imbecile can't figure out what the original term was. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets "The Pop-Up Book of Celebrity Meltdowns," featuring perhaps a dozen large-scale dioramas jumping up at you, of such tableaux as the slo-mo O.J. Simpson Bronco chase; Tom Cruise over-emoting on Oprah's couch; and, of course, the famed Super Bowl Wardrobe Malfunction of 2004. Donated by Jeff Contompasis. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 9. Put "Week 841" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 28. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Pete Morelewicz; this week's honorable-mentions name is by Lois Douthitt. Report from Week 837, in which we asked you to combine two comic strips and tell about the result: The winner of the Inker(Click on links to view enlarged cartoon images) The actual "Blondie" from Feb. 25: . . . and "Dagwood Sandwich, featuring Brandy from "Liberty Meadows" (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) 2. the winner of the switch-hitting Mickey Mantle flip book: The genius monkey from "Watch Your Head" visits "Doonesbury" and gets the strip canceled by every paper in the country when he's mistaken for the long-awaited Obama symbol. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 4. "Pearls on the Trail": "Mark Trail" plus "Pearls Before Swine." (Linda Miku, Tucson, Ariz.) 3. "Beetle Nuts": Marcie and Peppermint Patty are at Camp Swampy, dressed in fatigues. Marcie: "I won't tell, sir." (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) Slightly out of toon: Honorable mentions A rear view of Cathy, standing nude in court before Judge Parker. She says: "But everything I tried on made me look fat!" (Beverley Sharp, Washington) "Dennis the Phantom Menace": A bratty little masked boy exasperates his parents and neighbors while thwarting global drug rings in his neighborhood. (David Friedman, Silver Spring, a First Offender) Andy Capp, Hagar, and the Jester from "The Wizard of Id" are sharing a drink. Hagar says, "Yeah, they've just about drained all the fun out of alcoholism." (Larry Yungk, Arlington) If "Dilbert" were imported to "Close to Home": Astonishingly, the character Dilbert is now drawn even worse. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Combine "Judge Parker" and "Rex Morgan, M.D.," to get the slowest malpractice case in history. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) "Earl's Before Swine": The Crocs solve Grandpa Pickles's cat problem. (Kevin Dopart) "A Very Candid Family Circus" (D'Juan Nash, Waldorf) Next Week: Picture This, or Win, Loser, Draw ====================================================================== WEEK 842, published November 7, 2009 Week 842: Ask backwards -- Only with the public option -- Bo Obama's chew toy -- A Hefty drawstring balloon -- William Shakespeare's Flying Circus -- What an unfortunate URL! -- A rectangle and its father -- The Beltsville Kazoo and Drum Corps -- Not even at Wal-Mart -- A bad color name for GM's electric car -- 349 Facebook friends -- Squeeze relish -- The new Loser T-shirt and two magnets We Trebeckon you yet again: Here are your 12 possible answers. Tell your joke in the form of a question, please. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a vintage large plastic cow that wears clothes and, of course, noisily performs the Mexican Hat Dance. Donated by Cheryl Davis, an amazing font of prize-perfect kitsch. Because You Can Find Everything on the Internet, there is actual video of a cow just like this one doing this dance. (you can find it on the online version of this column at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational). We expect thousands of Losers to beg us not to find their entries the best, but to like them only, exactly, second best. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 16. Put "Week 842" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Larry Yungk; this week's honorable-mentions name is by Pete Morelewicz. Report From Week 838, in which we sought captions for these drawings by Nonstop Art Generator Bob Staake. Because we just don't like making things easy for you, we didn't put any identifying letters on them at the time (they're there now, yes, we see that, thank you). We liked how so many Washingtonians matter-of-factly described the man in Cartoon E as "tourist." Everyone, of course, called Cartoon C the "rock station," and many Losers identified the man in Cartoon D as the head chef. The Winner of the Inker Cartoon B: When pantyhose decide to run on their own. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) 2. the winner of the bag of fake hair: Cartoon E: "Dress Like an American" Day is now an official French holiday. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) 3. Cartoon A: Grzxoplgg still didn't get the rule: If it's shxkraszt, flush it fast. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) 4. Cartoon E: Distracted by his odd sartorial style and footwear, security completely missed the stick of dynamite in the terrorist's left hand. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Retch-a-Sketch: Honorable Mentions Cartoon A: Eventually, young monsters will accept that there aren't any toddlers hiding in the toilet. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) It was time, Mommy decided, to answer Benny's questions about where he came from. (Jim Noble, Lexington Park) Gwendolyn was more upset by the lid being left up than she was at having had her blouse eaten. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) The Warner Bros. summer intern had hoped for a more glamorous experience than accommodating the extras from "Where the Wild Things Are." (Elise Jacobs, Silver Spring) Cartoon B: This is why they don't let porn stars leave prints on Hollywood Boulevard. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Trying her best to emulate Marilyn Monroe's billowing skirt, the D.C. resident forgot that while the New York subway blows, Metrorail sucks. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) A very small audience saw Twyla's interpretive dance about urban sprawl. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Cartoon C: Since the Predator attacks started, al-Qaeda karaoke nights have been thinly attended. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) In reaction to Iranian missile advances, Israel unleashed its new Matzah Radar. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) While no life was ultimately found on Mars, they did find lots of conveniently placed electrical outlets. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) No one will steal your satellite radio system when it's cleverly disguised as just another stone in your garden! (Russell Beland) Cartoon D: The new cook misunderstood the word "scullery." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Alas, poor Yorick shoulda paid up. (T. Soprano, New Jersey) (George Vary, Bethesda) Pizza Hut's new Halloween-themed "Sculzone" wasn't as popular as they'd hoped. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) Cartoon E: "You can't miss me -- I'll be the one with the cellphone." (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Bob never lived down the fashion faux pas of wearing a fedora with casual clothes. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Orly Taitz's crack Hawaiian birth certificate investigator, hot on the case. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) No scientific study has conclusively shown a link between cellphone use and brain damage . . . (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Cartoon F: George W. Bush spoke only once to the National Galoshes Association. (Elwood Fitzner) The congressman was finally forced to eat his words, but in the interest of national security they were redacted. (Carl Gerber, Annandale) The trunks on some of these new compact cars aren't big enough to carry a spare. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Fed up with humanity, the "2001" monolith destroys the world, starting with campaign speeches. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill) Cartoon G: Cathy isn't sure what's more upsetting: to discover a box of nude photos of her, or to discover nobody wants them. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) "They may be free, but they're still maggots." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Angela was uncertain about bringing home another tchotchke, but the Nobel Peace Prize did have a pretty ribbon. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge; Sneha Kannan, Cambridge, Mass., a First Offender; Alexander Ring, New York, a First Offender) Next Week: Overlap Dance, or Lexiconsolidation ====================================================================== WEEK 843, published November 14, 2009 Week 843: Prefrains Hey, who left these golf clubs over here? Whose woods these are I think I know . . . Here's a (possibly) new contest for the Invite, suggested by Hall of Fame Loser Kevin Dopart, whose name, according to the Losers' own official statistics, happens to anagram to "Deviant Pork": Provide a sentence or two of lead-in to the first line of a well-known book, poem or (don't worry, you can play, too) song, as in the example above. We're going to be somewhat flexible on what constitutes the first line of a song; if there's an introductory verse that nobody sings, for example, we might be willing to ignore it. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives -- just in time for the canapes at your most formal holiday party -- the Voodoo Doll Toothpick Holder pictured in the slideshow at right, thanks to 1,382-time Loser (is that redundant or what?) Russell Beland and his son Adam, who has five blots of ink himself. This just in: One of last week's First Offenders has decided that we should no longer call him Alexander Ring. He wants us to call him Ring Alexander. We will (since the latter is his name), but only if he calls us Empress The. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 23. Put "Week 843" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Dave Prevar; this week's honorable-mentions name is by Tom Witte. For his contest idea, Kevin wins a can of Pu-Erh organic tea, donated by Les Greenblatt. Report from Week 839, in which we asked you to make up "portmanteau words," or a word in which two existing words overlap by two or more letters. The words had to start with A, B, C or D. Frequently submitted: Abracadabrassiere: The Wonderbra. And many, many variations on "balloony" to describe the Heene family. The winner of the Inker Buttheadbutt: A Limbaugh-Olbermann shouting match. (Patricia Casey, McLean) 2. the winner of the super-secret CIA, NSA and DIA coffee mugs: Disasterisk: A footnote in Metro's annual report. (Elise Jacobs, Silver Spring) 3. Algebrassiere: 36A + 10K = 36D. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) 4. Anecdoddering: Losing your place halfway through a story 'bout the good old days. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Portmanteauverflow: Honorable Mentions Crapplause: A polite but unenthusiastic expression of approval. (Dion E. Black, Washington, a First Offender) Audibleed: The sound-level setting at a heavy-metal concert. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Bimboudoir: The back seat of the car. (Michael Seaton, Bowie) Accidenture: Putting one's foot in one's mouth. (Craig Dykstra) Detroitus: What's left of a once-great city. (Craig Dykstra) Beersatz: Miller Lite. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Cerrata: A list of mistakes in the 2009 edition of the Redskins. (Russell Riley, Charlottesville, a First Offender) Circumspectorate: To spit when no one's looking. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Artifactory: A place that makes "ancient" objects. (Ron Averyt, Severn) Coffeeble: A decaf latte with skim milk. (Larry Yungk) B-flatulence: a low note tooted on a bassoon. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Beggarrison: A platoon stationed at the Metro exit. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Allegrope: A quick move at the cellist. (Larry Miller, Rockville) Alcoholiday: Rehab. (Sneha Kannan, Cambridge, Mass.) Benignominious: What a little white lie is. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Continnuendo: Gossip. (Kevin Dopart) Argumenstrual: I have no idea what this means, dear. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Blasphemousse: Cool Whip. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Academythology: Get a degree, you'll get a job. (Jim Noble, Lexington Park) Bygonerds: People who knew how to use a slide rule. (Grace Gray, Bethesda, a First Offender) Asinineteen: How to describe the doofball who's dating your daughter. (Carl Zirkle, Frederick, a First Offender) Buxomniscient: Never failing to notice any blouse within eye range. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Diaperiscope: A finger dipped into the Huggie to see if it needs changing. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Bootstrapscallion: John Edwards. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Correctum: A hemorrhoid operation. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Corrodeo: The senior circuit for rusty riders. (Dave Prevar) Charlatanned: Bottle-bronzed. (Christopher Lamora) Debutantalizer: That fetching young thing at the country club. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Agitaters: Protesters at a town hall meeting in Idaho. (Christopher Lamora) Ancestorment: Thanksgiving dinner with the extended family. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) Atrophy wife: Future ex-wife. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Butterance: The audible aftermath of dinner at Ben's Chili Bowl. (Morris Davis, Gainesville) Bar mitzvamoose: A Jewish boy who forsakes religious training at the age of 13 years and 1 day. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Biass: Glenn Beck. (Kevin Dopart) Don Juannabe: A wishful wastrel. (Tom Witte) Behemother: The hideous monster lurking within all parents, just waiting for someone to indicate that our children might be less than perfect. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) Desperadonis: A GQ model after his first wrinkle. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Aphroditty: Just an old-fashioned love song. (Christopher Lamora) Baraconteur: One who speaks skillfully while saying nothing. (Craig Dykstra) Defrauditor: Bernie Madoff's accountant. (George Vary, Bethesda) Brainstorment: When you can't remember that great idea you just came up with. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Alcoholier-than-thou: Carrie Nation. (Mae Scanlan; Chris Doyle) Comparisonny: A reference to the old days and ways. "Back when I was a kid, young man ....." (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Congressmanipulator: A lobbyist. (Martin O'Connor, Round Hill, Va., a First Offender) Acornhole: One idiot employee who screws up an entire organization. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cowabungalow!: The yell of exhilaration when you finally find a house you can afford. (Stephen Dudzik) Crotchkes: Souvenir panties. (Craig Dykstra) Diarrhetoric: A speech that runs and runs. (Kevin Dopart) And Last: Bloodsportmanteau: Taking this contest way too seriously. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Next Week: Frittering away the neurons, or Phrases we're going through ====================================================================== WEEK 844, published November 21, 2009 Week 844: Healthy choice Town hall: A forum in which American citizens may air their views in the hallowed tradition of democracy. Town hell: What we got this year. (Week 800) As the raging-like-strep health care debate shows little prognosis for recovery anytime soon, we thought we'd use that robust option for the theme of this year's annual retrospective contest. This week: Enter any Style Invitational from Week 790 through Week 840 (except for Week 793, which was the same contest for the previous year, and Week 798, the obit poems, since we'll be asking for them soon). There are two restrictions -- preexisting conditions, if you will: (1) You may submit only one entry per contest (so you can still send 49 entries, if you want to make us sigh in exasperation). (2) And each entry must pertain in some way to health care or health care policy. Don't make us deny your claim to ink. You may refer to events that have occurred since the contest was printed; for contests that ask you to use The Post from a certain day or week, use today's or this week's. You can find all the contests at http://www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives -- just in time, for once -- a lovely "Scream Christmas" necktie depicting the Edvard Munch icon doing his/her thing, but wearing a Santa hat (see slideshow to the right). It's really, um, colorful! Gotten rid of by 145-time Loser Beverley Sharp. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 7. Put "Week 844" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 19. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; this week's honorable-mentions name is by Craig Dykstra. Report From Week 840, in which we sought contemporary phrases for life's situations. As usual in autumn, Washingtonians often turned their thoughts to their beloved football team. (These entries were written before last Sunday's win, but we're afraid they're still pretty valid.) The Winner of the Inker Returning the Favre: Exacting revenge on your ex-employer. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) 2. the winner of the giant flamingo-shaped pen: Dining with the King: Grabbing a Whopper Jr. from the dollar menu. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) 3. Playin' the Redskins: Sure to score. "When Janet typed her number into his cellphone, Tony knew he was playin' the Redskins." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville; Ira Allen, Bethesda) 4. Kicking your heels up: Visiting the gynecologist. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Crawling under the bar: Honorable Mentions Flossing the piano keys: Obsessing about cleanliness. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Tweeting for Godot: Putting out incessant Twitter posts to zero followers. (Chad Pridgen, Marshall, Va.) Forgetting your Yiddish: Paying retail. (Rick Haynes) Maverwrecking: Making a name for yourself while dragging everyone else's through the mud. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Reinventing the spork: Redoubling your efforts on a lost cause. (Craig Dykstra) Taking the Skins and the points: Throwing your money down the toilet.(Russell Beland, Fairfax) Getting waterlooed: Sitting down on the toilet in the dark and finding the seat is up. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Beating the wrap: Managing to open a CD. (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) Zorning it: Accepting any and all degradations from an incompetent and/or egomaniacal boss, as long as the paychecks keep coming. (Chad Pridgen) Shouting AFLAC: Having your ideas completely ignored in a business meeting. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Putting in your Delhi order: Calling tech support. (Chris Doyle) Forecasting a wintry mix: Providing advice that's so vague you won't be blamed for the outcome. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Giving him the Nobel: Heaping praise on someone you hope will be worthy of it one day. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.; Mark Richardson, Washington, a First Offender) Giving your seat to Buddy Holly: Barely escaping disaster. (Chuck Smith) Recapping: For many guys, "doing" their hair in the morning. (Kevin Dopart) Aardvarking: Working to get your name moved to the top of a list. (Barry Koch) Third-and-inches at FedEx: A hopeless situation. (Russ Taylor) Riding out the Strom: Waiting for someone to, um, retire. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Burning the ice cream: To attempt something not worth doing -- and screw it up. (Jean Traub, Alexandria, a First Offender) Makin' coffee in Springfield: Going naked. (Craig Dykstra) Falcon around: Pulling a hoax. (Craig Dykstra) Bachmanning: Opened one's mouth and had something gross and embarrassing spew out: "I Bachmanned all over my new shirt." (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Fondling the porcupine: An action benefiting neither the giver nor the receiver. (Jim Noble, Lexington Park) Outing Dumbledore: Providing irrelevant background information. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Dry-cleaning the blue dress: Trying to get over a relationship. (Russell Beland) Preventing swine flu: Playing hooky from school or work. (Russell Beland) Marrying Liz Taylor: Showing a total lack of originality. (Russell Beland) And Last: Changing the fonts: The new "rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." (Russ Taylor; Steven King, Vienna; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Next Week: Food for Naught, or Queasine ====================================================================== WEEK 845, published November 28, 2009 Week 845: Reologisms academicrobe adiposeur advocaterwauling Amiss Manners anomalyrics antipatherapy apparelic assenger atrocityscape attacky banalogy baraccelerate barduous bellicosesquipedalian bigotcha blabyrinth blunderstanding bolonium borotund botherhood cadillackluster cerealistic chopstuck computrefy contestosterone cowardrobe crapture C-SPANdex dobermanager dumpire dystopiary fatherbrained frostitute magnetude malacrop metrick Möbius trip Muddle age Mundame Oliver Twits Optimale Orbituary Overbeering Phoneupsmanship Pillsbury Coughboy Pimposity prigmatic Scar de la Renta Theorethical Threaty In the several neologism contests we've had in the past few months, we've added to the Loserly Lexicon literally hundreds of new words and their definitions. But amid the thousands of entries that didn't see ink, there were a lot of good ideas for words that came with, well, less-than-great definitions. On this page is a list of 50 genuine Loser-created neologisms. This week: Write a description for any of them. It might include an example, or its use in a sentence. Because you're not also coming up with the word itself, the best-written definitions will win out over what are likely to be many similar ideas. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives -- just too late for Christmas, in the Invite holiday tradition -- two pretty star-shaped ornaments that look like papier-m"ché but are in fact éléphant-dung-m"ché, donated by Loser in Remission Randy Lee. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 7. Put "Week 845" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart. This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Report from Week 841, in which we asked you to alter slightly the name of a food or dish and describe the result. Those who tend to find the Invite a bit too abstruse and highbrow get a break this week. A lot of the names submitted (often by many people) were funny in a juvenile way but gained nothing from their descriptions. That menu includes such specials as Yucky Charms, Drool Whip, Slime-Jims, Shredded What, Shrimp Skimpy, Bad Thai, Bananas Fester, flunk steak, meat loathe, buffalo wangs and fatzo ball soup. For this they went to graduate school, a lot of these people. The winner of the Inker Jumbo lump carb cakes: Also known as doughnuts. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) 2. the winner of "The Pop-Up Book of Celebrity Meltdowns": Reader's Digest Condensed Milk: When you're yearning for something white and treacly. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) 3. Cheaties: Breakfast of Champions With Asterisks. (Mark Richardson, Washington) 4. Steak Tata: Raw ground udders. (Tom Murphy, Bowie) Fare Too Middling: Honorable Mentions Notdog: Gourmet North Korean sausage. (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Peter Jenkins, Bethesda) Seven-Lawyer Dip: Chips sold separately. Not intended for intravenous use. Void where prohibited by law. Provided "as is" without any warranty of any kind, expressed or implied . . . (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Pol Pot Pie: A low-cal Cambodian dish. Serves hundreds. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Chucky Charms: The cereal that's magically malicious! (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Offalafel: A paste of chickpeas and pancreases. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Bunt cake: Made from a light, soft batter. (Kevin Dopart) Chick in de Van: KFC to go. (Judy Blanchard) Sole food: Cobbler. (Ron Nessen, Bethesda) Bean crud: Tofu under a more honest name. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) Pecking Duck: Poultry that's perhaps a little undercooked . . . (Sneha Kannan, Cambridge, Mass.) Moo Goo Bed Pan: The orderlies switched the trays again! (Larry Meyer, Washington, Va., a First Offender) Egg Phew Young: A summer dish traditionally made from Easter eggs discovered months later. (Kerry Humphrey, Woodbridge) Wussabi: Really mild horseradish paste. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) Shiksabob: Pork, shrimp and cheese on a skewer. (Judy Blanchard) Margarrhea: Tequila mixed with Triple Sec and prune juice. (Dion Black, Washington) Prime Ribbon: The diet roast beef platter. (Carolyn Eskew, Leesburg, a First Offender) Spleenda: No-cal giblet substitute. (Judy Blanchard) Coquilles Saint Joan: Flambeed scallops. (Jane Pacelli, Annandale) Stir-fly: A popular meal in North Korea. (Rick Haynes) Dulce de Lecher: Hooters' new dessert item. (Ed Gordon, Georgetown, Tex.) Belgian Awfuls: A phlegmish dish, similar to Crappes Suzettes. (Michael Fransella, Arlington) Half-Baked Alaska: A crusty, sweet, insubstantial traditional dish that removes itself prematurely from intense heat. (Mike Gips, Bethesda) Porn Flakes: With a surprise in every box. (Jeff Seigle, Vienna) Mike Like'n Ike: That famous fruity flavor is coming out in new rainbow colors (not available in all states). (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Fellini Alfredo: Pasta with dream sauce. (Rick Haynes) Faux gras: Spam. (Patrick Mattimore, Gex, France) Hostess Hos: A guilty pleasure. (Craig Dykstra) Kid Knee Pie: One of Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite desserts. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Prize Nobel Peas: Grown in the White House garden. You can pick them even before they're ripe. (Dan Ward, Springfield, a First Offender) Lemon harangue pie: "You didn't beat the egg whites long enough, and the oven's too hot, and you're slopping the filling out the sides . . ." (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) Limbaugher cheese: So vile you just listen to a wedge of it and gag. (G. Smith, New York) Honeycrips: Apples the whole gang will enjoy. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Next Week: Ask Backwards, or Inkquisition ====================================================================== WEEK 846, published December 5, 2009 Week 846: Season's gratings Unless you're one of the people who inflict them on others -- and perhaps even then -- there's a good chance you read those year-end missives from your most self-trumpeting friends and relatives with something less than holiday warmth. After every declaration of yet another childhood achievement, job promotion, exotic vacation, one tends to read the unwritten words "And you didn't." And it's not much more heartening to think that these people are only masking their real household woes with glittery spin. L.A. Loser Jane Auerbach suggests that the way to deal with these mailbox stink bombs is to make your own. Or someone else's. Jane appropriately wins some kung fu stationery, which is the next best thing to a diamond necklace. This week: Write a brief (50 words or fewer) holiday letter from a personage from past or present, or from fiction. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives what looks to be a goldfish swimming in a bag of water but is actually a plastic goldfish not swimming in a bag of hard, sort-of-clear soap (see slideshow at right). It's creepily real-looking. Donated by Fountain of Loser Prizes Cheryl Davis. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 14. Put "Week 846" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 2. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Andrew Hoenig. The kung fu stationery was donated by Russell Beland a million years ago. Report from Week 842, in which we asked you to play off any of 12 given phrases in the form of a question, "Jeopardy"-style. Dozens of people told us that a bad electric-car color would be shocking pink or lemon, and Bo Obama's chew toy was everything from a copy of "Going Rogue" to Charles Krauthammer's lips. The Winner of the Inker A. Not even at Wal-Mart. Q. Where can you see a smiling face in Michigan? (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) 2. the winner of the cow that does the Mexican Hat Dance: A. Squeeze relish. Q. What is green and always stopping up, but isn't a toilet in a gas station? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) 3. A. William Shakespeare's Flying Circus. Q. What is Sir Francis Bacon's Flying Circus? (Ring Alexander, New York) 4. A. The Beltsville Kazoo and Drum Corps. Q. What group annually bestows the honor of Comb-Humming Queen? (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Unnatural asks: Honorable mentions -- A bad color name for GM's electric car: What is maroon? (Yuki Henninger, Vienna; Ira Allen, Bethesda; Michael Peck, Alexandria) What is Burning Flesh? (Judy Blanchard) What is the least of GM's problems? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) -- 349 Facebook friends: What's the next best thing to having a friend? (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Who didn't help you move into your new apartment? (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Who learned about your marriage before your mother? (Kevin Dopart) What did Megan Fox have roughly one second after she posted her relationship status as "it's complicated"? (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) What is the square root of loneliness? (Ring Alexander) -- A Hefty drawstring balloon: What was the Wall Street float in the 2008 Macy's Thanksgiving parade? (Dudley Thompson; Kevin Dopart) How can the Heenes get rid of their TV ambitions? (Mark Richardson, Washington) What did Paul Bunyan use for birth control? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) What does the regular worker get instead of a golden parachute? (Judy Blanchard) -- Bo Obama's chew toy: What is the only bone the president has thrown to the left since reaching the White House? (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Compared with the health reform bill, what is less covered in tooth marks and spit? (Michael Reinemer, Annandale) What took a National Security Council session, a Council of Economic Advisers meeting, a congressional delegation huddle and three White House briefings for the president to finally purchase? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) -- Not even at Wal-Mart: Where can you find a genuine virgin walking down the aisle? (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Have you found any discount Elvis-themed caskets? (Kevin Dopart) -- What an unfortunate URL! What did the Cockney say after 'is best mate barfed on 'Er Majesty? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) -- The Beltsville Kazoo and Drum Corps: Whose music finally broke the enemy at Gitmo? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn; Beverley Sharp) Who hates marching behind the College Park Hurling Frat Boy Float? (Cy Gardner, Arlington) -- Squeeze relish: What did Mr. Whipple do after he retired? (Stephen Dudzik) What do you call a pimple-popping fetish? (Judith Cottrill, New York) -- A rectangle and his father: What does Denny Hastert holding a briefcase look like? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) -- William Shakespeare's Flying Circus: What is in its 412th season of reruns on PBS? (Daniel Bunce, Woodstock, Md., a First Offender) -- Only with the public option: Can I get one of those death panels to "advise" my mother-in-law? (Russ Taylor, Vienna) How did the philanderer respond to the marriage proposal? (George Smith, Frederick; Mark Richardson) -- The new Loser T-shirt and two magnets: What are two things that attract and one thing that repels? (Tom Witte; George Vary, Bethesda) What is the only threesome I can possibly look forward to these days? (Tom Witte) Next Week: Prefrains, or Starting Oeuvre ====================================================================== WEEK 847, published December 12, 2009 Week 847: Questionable journalism A. That gets old after about a week. Q. Yo, Empress, I've decided that every week I'm going to send you 99 entries! This week: Find any sentence (or a substantive part of a sentence) that appears in The Post or in an article on washingtonpost.com from Dec. 11 through Dec. 21 and come up with a question it might answer, as in the example above from today's Carolyn Hax column. Please cite the date and page number of the article you're using (or if you're online, copy out that section of the article). Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a bottle of vintage-2005 Beauzeaux red wine, donated by Jeff Contompasis of Ashburn, who hasn't even unscrewed its top. If you win and are not a genuine adult (by age, we mean -- we don't want to rule out all the Losers) you get a T-shirt or mug instead. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 21. Put "Week 847" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 9. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Pete Morelewicz; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Erik Wennstrom. Report from Week 843, in which we asked for a line that might humorously precede the first line of a well-known book, poem or song. Virtually everyone led into the first line of "Hamlet" -- "Who's there?" -- with, duh, "Knock, knock." The winner of the Inker What were the frat boys doing at their party last night? Chug, chug, chug. Puff, puff, puff. Ding-dong, ding-dong. -- "The Little Engine That Could," by Watty Piper (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) 2. the winner of the voodoo doll toothpick holder: "Mr. Beck, you've got your hand up her rectum. Um, that's not how you milk a cow." "I hardly ever read instruction manuals." -- "Arguing With Idiots," by Glenn Beck (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) 3. "Hey, Bobby, how do I tell my girlfriend she's prickly and has a strong smell?" "O my Luve's like a red red rose . . ." -- Robert Burns (Ron Nessen, Bethesda) 4. I'm sorry, but I think your last facelift was one too many: You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips . . . -- "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling," by Mann, Weil and Spector (Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand) Semipro-logues: Honorable mentions "What's wrong with Seattle's catcher tonight?" "It is an ancient Mariner, and he stoppeth one of three." -- "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner," by Samuel Taylor Coleridge (Russ Taylor, Vienna; Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) "President Clinton, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" "All this happened, more or less." -- "Slaughterhouse-Five," by Kurt Vonnegut (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) "Ms. Lewinsky, when did you realize the president was going to ditch you?" "Seated one day at the Organ, I was weary and ill at ease." -- "The Lost Chord," by Adelaide Procter (Peter Metrinko) You think I'm a fool, dontcha? Well, I didn't just fall off a turnip truck this morning, you know. They threw me off the hay truck about noon. -- "The Postman Always Rings Twice," by James M. Cain (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) "Honey, you won't believe how much I saved today at the mall!" Alack! what poverty my Muse brings forth. -- Sonnet 103, by William Shakespeare (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Thanks to Hooked on Phonics™ . . . I read the news today -- oh, boy! -- "A Day in the Life," by Lennon and McCartney (Ward Kay, Vienna) He voted for the health care bill, just like all of the other Democrats, but Elmer Gantry had an excuse: Elmer Gantry was drunk. -- "Elmer Gantry," by Sinclair Lewis (Jim Noble, Lexington Park) Justice Scalia, how would you describe obscenity? "I can't tell you -- but you feel it -- " -- Emily Dickinson (Peter Metrinko) Underwear with a string called "G" -- 'Twas awkward -- but it fitted me. -- Emily Dickinson (Dion Black, Washington) Whew -- THERE's the Minneapolis airport. O Captain! my Captain! Our fearful trip is done! -- Walt Whitman (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Oh, Toni, they've canceled our show -- no more "Muskrat Love" duets! O Captain! my Captain! Our fearful trip is done! (Russ Taylor) I must remember to specify no MSG next time: My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains my sense . . . -- "Ode to a Nightingale," by John Keats (Roy Ashley, Washington) What would you advise the people of New Orleans if Katrina floods the city, Director Brown? When you walk through a storm, hold your chin up high . . . -- "You'll Never Walk Alone," by Rodgers and Hammerstein (Chris Doyle) Why can't I understand a single word you say? "Oh, I come from Alabama . . ." -- "O Susanna," by Stephen Foster (Beverley Sharp, Washington) "Do you understand the plot now, Miss Hedren? "Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?" -- "Close to You," by Bacharach and David (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) "Maw, we need a new Sears catalogue in the outhouse!" "Why's that, Paw?" "All the leaves are brown . . ." -- "California Dreaming," by "Papa John" Phillips (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) "Dear prince, dost thou know the name of the gentleman on yon first base?" "Who's there." -- "Hamlet," by William Shakespeare (Stephen Dudzik) And last: Eventually, there were only two people left in the world who had not succumbed to the lure of the Style Invitational. Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. -- "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone," by J.K. Rowling (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) See more honorable mentions at http://washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. Next Week: Healthy Choice, or Once More, With Healing Pre-tenders: More honorable mentions from Week 843 of The Style Invitational Friday, December 11, 2009 1:52 PM More "prefrains," lines that might precede the first line of a book, poem or song: "Excuse me, ma'am, I think you forgot to tear off the toilet tissue before you left the ladies' room: "There's a long, long trail a-winding . . . -- "There's a Long, Long Trail," by Stoddard King (Mae Scanlan, Washington) And why did Brett Favre come out of retirement this time? He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish. -- "The Old Man and the Sea," by Ernest Hemingway (Charles Mann, Falls Church) We found out about the inflatable breast implants too late: It was the day my grandmother exploded. -- "The Crow Road," by Iain M. Banks (Tom Lacombe, Browntown, Va.) Now that we're making crystal meth, We don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee . . . -- "Okie From Muskogee," by Merle Haggard (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) The congregation's aging. There's no youth to take our places./In synagogue on Sabbath morn, it's just the same old faces: It's nine o'clock on a Saturday, the regular crowd shuffles in. -- "Piano Man," by Billy Joel (Harvey Smith, McLean) My husband? The guy over there who's dressed as a Klingon and playing Guitar Hero. All children, except one, grow up. -- "Peter Pan," by J.M. Barrie (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Congress finally managed, on the same day and with equal skill, to repair both the country's health care system and all the clocks in the Capitol: It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. -- "1984," by George Orwell (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) "When did you get your last chance to see Russia and sample fried moose testicles on a stick as a sitting governor?" "The Alaska State Fair, August 2008." -- "Going Rogue," by Sarah Palin (Cy Gardner, Arlington) I didn't win the washer-dryer, didn't get the snowmobile; I picked Door No. 3. And now, the end is near, and I must face the final curtain . . . -- "My Way," by Paul Anka (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) You simply must show me your secret ingredient in this delicious stew! "I've got the horse right here . . ." -- "Fugue for Tinhorns" by Frank Loesser (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Whoa, dude, I think we might be totally wasted! I have no idea what you really said but it sounded kinda like 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe." -- "Jabberwocky" by Lewis Carroll (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) "Do you, Sarah Palin, solemnly swear to faithfully execute the office of president of the United States . . ." "If I am out of my mind, it's all right with me," thought Moses Herzog. -- "Herzog," by Saul Bellow (Larry Yungk, Arlington) John Kerry reached a firm conclusion: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times . . ." -- "A Tale of Two Cities," by Charles Dickens (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "So why did you decide to take up the shot put?" "It was just one of those things, just one of those crazy flings." -- "Just One of Those Things," by Cole Porter (Anita Thiel Winters, Bethesda) The Wyfe of Bathe hathe my Macbooke fryed, So this Tayle I must teyxt on ye Blackeberre whilst I ryde: Whan that Aprille with his shoures sote, The droghte of Marche hath perced to the rote . . . -- "The Canterbury Tales," by Geoffrey Chaucer (John Sholar, Silver Spring) (The headline for this supplement is by Beverley Sharp.) ====================================================================== WEEK 848, published December 19, 2009 Week 848 Up an addin' -- write a rhopalic sentence I am the only biker within America spurning Budweiser. Here's a brand-new word contest for us, never done in any of the previous 847 weeks! Maybe. There's a chance. Never-a-Loser Steve Woodbury of Springfield suggests a contest to come up with a rhopalic sentence. That -- as everyone but you knows -- is a sentence in which each successive word is one letter (or one syllable) longer than the preceding one. Scott wins a roll of toilet paper promoting a children's book called "Walter the Farting Dog." This week: Compose a humorous rhopalic sentence (or multiple sentences) in which each word is one letter longer than the previous word, as in the example above by Bob Staake Himself. The sentence does NOT have to start with a one-letter word. Very long sentences are of course harder to do, but they won't win if they're not interesting, or if they seem painfully contrived to fit the format. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets three genuine critter-embedded lollipops: a blueberry Scorpion Sucker, a tequila-flavored pop with worm, and a cinnamon cricket-pop. Donated by Bruce Alter. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 28. Put "Week 848" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 16. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Report from Week 844, in which we let you send one entry for each of the previous year's contests, as long as the entry pertained to health care. Predictably, it was mostly the inveterate Losers who combed through the 49 eligible contests, some of them sending 49 entries. The groaner pun of the week -- which deserves mention even if not an honorable one -- comes from Mae Scanlan for the puns-on-company-names contest: "Mom's frizzy-haired sister went to Yellowstone and got too close to Old Faithful. The messy result was a geyser perm on Auntie." Ow. The winner of the Inker Week 831, celebrities' "bucket lists": Cap'n Crunch: See if I can get a reputable surgeon to attach my eyebrows to my face rather than to my hat. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) 2. the winner of the Scream Christmas necktie: Week 805, a bad name for a college: The Mary Baker Eddy School of Medicine. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3. Week 800, pairs of similar terms: Single payer: A proposed health plan for people without insurance. Single prayer: The current health plan for people without insurance. (Larry Yungk, on vacation in Bangkok) 4. Week 832, crossword clues: BLAB: If the A-team gets to process the cool stuff, this is where the stool samples go. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Denial of acclaim: Honorable mentions Week 790, what if something hadn't happened: If it weren't for the health-care debate, we wouldn't have found out that so many Democrats hate their grandmothers. (Steve Honley, Washington) Week 794, Onion-style headlines: Health-Care Bill Creates 'Little Death' Panels for Allocating Viagra (Mark Richardson, Washington) Week 796, puns on people's names: Dr. Strange Glove: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love My Proctologist. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Dr. Strangle-love: Definitely not your ordinary sex therapist. (Jeff Loren, Manassas) Week 797, New Year's resolutions: By Congress: Be much quicker to fail to pass health-care reform next year. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Week 800, pairs of similar terms: Out-of-pocket maximum: The most you're supposed to pay under your health plan. Out-of-socket maximum: The arm and leg you wind up paying. (Chris Doyle) Hot toddy: Something you take in your bed to make yourself feel better. Hot toady: Someone you take in your bed to make yourself feel better. -- D. Letterman (Roy Ashley, Washington) Week 810, foal names: Gluteus Maximus x Shafted = Colonoscopy (Rick Haynes, Potomac; Roy Ashley) Gluteus Maximus x Sneak Peek = Inhospitable Gown (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.; Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Week 811, signs the economy can't get any worse: Hemophiliacs are selling their blood. (Chris Doyle) Week 812, medical fictoids: Earwax is a natural lubricant. Few ear canals are wide enough, though. (Kevin Dopart) It's okay to use the defibrillators in airports to recharge your cellphone, if no one else is using them. (Rick Haynes) Being a hermaphrodite entitles one to both maternity and paternity leave. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The creator of the first HMO bled to death after a car crash. The closest hospital refused to take him because he was out of network. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Week 822, events in a Festival of Real American Folklife: Civil War reenactors have operations performed on them without anesthesia, save for a bottle of whiskey. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Week 826, "inside words": Pat'hog'en: The swine flu virus. (Chris Doyle) In'firm'ary: An ED clinic. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Week 831, bucket lists: John Edwards: Go to med school to find a cure for my wife so I don't look quite so scummy when I cheat. (Russell Beland) Week 833, change a word by one letter: Pillferage: The health plan for a 39.5-hour-per-week Wal-Mart employee. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Week 835, words with T,H,R,E: Soleather: Your skin after 40 years of ignoring doctors' orders to wear sunscreen. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) ERthritis: Swelling of emergency room visits due to lack of health insurance. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) Week 836, if one given business ran another: If Match.com ran a hospital, you could get malpractice and male practice. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Week 839, portmanteau words: Bicuspidor: The rinse-and-spit sink (see also: hospitoon) (Craig Dykstra) Doctorn: Circumcised. (Tom Witte) Next Week: Reologisms, or Mull Again ====================================================================== WEEK 849, published December 26, 2009 Week 849: Homonymphomania -- Make a new homonym Auntacid: Saliva on a tissue used to wipe your face. (Mike Levy) Amfibian: A frog who, after you kiss him, remains a frog. (Milo Sauer) Masseuss: A Lorax who rubs your thorax. (Tom Witte) Here's a neologism contest we did once before, back in 2002 when the Invitational confused everyone, including itself, in its middle years with Roman numerals: Create a new homonym (or homophone, for you linguo-nerdy types) of any existing word and define it, as in the examples above, the top entries for Week CXLVIII. The new word must be spelled so that it is obviously pronounced the same as the original word. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives this "soft sculpture" (a.k.a. pantyhose-faced creepy knickknack) depicting see/hear/speak-no-evil, which is not exactly the Invite Entry Philosophy but does at least produce a similar expression of "ick" (especially by the ready-to-barf guy on the right); donated by Loser Craig Dykstra and his mom, Shirley (see slideshow at right). Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 4. Put "Week 849" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 845, in which we supplied a list of neologisms submitted in several previous contests and challenged you to come up with your own definitions: The winner of the Inker Botherhood: A group such as the United Telephone Solicitors, the American Association of Fragrance Sprayers, and the Fraternal Order of People Who Really Need Their Petition Signed. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 2. the winner of the elephant-dung-mache Christmas ornaments: C-SPANdex: Coverage of Congress that provides way too much information. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) 3. Attacky: Not removing your Odor Eaters before throwing your shoes at the president. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) 4. Frostitute: A Siberian hussy. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Def Valley: Honorable Mentions Academicrobe: What must be causing the verbal-diarrhea epidemic among college professors. (Andrea Kelley, Brookeville) Adiposeur: Someone who exaggerates his weight at the beginning of a diet so his "loss" will be more impressive. (Michael Turner, Takoma Park) Amiss Manners: The columnist you ask, "Which fork do I use to pick my nose at the table?" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Anomalyrics: A country song in which you land the promotion, you keep your wife, and your dog finds his way home. (Dion Black, Washington) Antipatherapy: The practice of the Viennese psychiatrist Schaden Freud. (Beryl Benderly, Washington) Apparelic: Mummy's outfit. (Bernhard D. Saxe, Springfield, a First Offender) Apparelic: A garment not used for decades. "Dolly Parton's training bra is an apparelic." (Rick Haynes) Banalogy: Routine study of routine study. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Banalogy: A simile that's as dull as dishwater. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Barduous: Describing a task most vexing: "How barduous, alas, my lot/The choice between to be and not." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Bellicosesquipedalian: Given to using fancy fightin' words. "Oh yeah, you matrilineal coitant?" (Roy Ashley, Washington) Blabyrinth: The untraceable trail back to the person who started the rumor. (Cindy Johnson, Kingstowne, a First Offender) Blunderstanding: An agreement not to dwell on a mistake. "He and she came to a blunderstanding to never discuss that drunken New Year's Eve." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Botherhood: What younger siblings are born into. (Andrea Kelly) Cerealistic: Knowing there's no Chex in the mail. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Chopstuck: Why Louis Armstrong couldn't play his trumpet that bitter day in Oslo. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Cowardrobe: The closet that Sir Noel had to stay in. (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) Cowardrobe: A closet full of moomoos. (Tony Arancibia, Falls Church; Beverley Sharp, Washington) Crapture: The belief by baby alligators that one day there will be a reverse flush. (Chuck Smith) Frostitute: A member of the world's coldest profession. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Metrick: Switching your digital speedometer to KPH when your mother's in the car. (Ken Gallant) Mobius trip: The journey from Saigon to Kabul. (Charles Miehm, Hamilton, Va., a First Offender) Mundame: Edna Average. (Chris Doyle) Oliver Twits: pls sr i wnt sm mor (Tom Murphy, Bowie) Phoneupsmanship: "Mine is smaller than yours." (Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv) Phoneupsmanship: Having a ring tone that plays the second part of Bartok's Third String Quartet -- you know, the lively Allegro. No, you probably don't. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) Scar de la Renta: Creator of the alleged mob tie. (Chris Doyle) Theorethical: How you'd behave if you knew you wouldn't get caught. (Mark Richardson, Washington) And Last: Contestosterone: The hormone that accounts for why 14 of the 15 all-time top Style Invitational Losers are male. Females instead have the hormone havealifeogen. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) See more honorable mentions at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. More 'Reologisms' From Week 845 of The Style Invitational By The Empress Saturday, December 26, 2009; 12:00 AM More honorable mentions from Style Invitational Week 845, in which we asked for better definitions to neologisms submitted for previous contests: Academicrobe: The bacterium that causes scholera. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Amiss Manners: Someone who yells "fore" after she hits you with a golf club. (Dion Black, Washington) Apparelic: Remains of holy vestments. "The Graceland appareliquary displays fat-Elvis jumpsuits." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Blabyrinth: An elaborate structure whose function is to hold the Senataur, a creature that is half man and half bull --. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Blunderstanding: Sin-pathy. "Mark Sanford sent Tiger Woods a note of blunderstanding." (Chris Doyle) Blunderstanding: Off-target male urination. (Robert Gallagher, Falls Church) Bolonium: Chemical symbol Bs. An element with virtually no weight. Large deposits can be found along the Potomac River. (Russell Beland, Fairfax; Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Chopstuck: Unable to get into a better line of wok. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Contestosterone: The hormone that makes couch potatoes jump up and chest-bump when an actual athlete scores. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) Cowardrobe: A flannel peignoir. (Kevin Dopart) Crapture: The bliss of becoming unconstipated, as in Philippians 1:22: "But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labor." (Kevin Dopart) Dumpire: Of three referees, the one that's neither deaf nor blind. (Mark Richardson, Washington) Frostitute: Nanooky of the North (Michael Gips, Bethesda; Eric Ries, Bethesda; Roy Ashley, Washington) Mundame: Not-so-amazing Grace. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Oliver Twits: Hardy and North (Kevin Dopart) Optimale: Handsome, kind, funny and thoughtful -- or, if not, wears long pants, puts down the toilet seat and brushes his teeth. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) ====================================================================== WEEK 850, published January 2, 2010 Week 850 Dead Letters: Write a humorous obit poem With just a bit of impish wit John Mortimer quite gaily Gave to us that cranky Brit, Old Rumpole of the Bailey. Because Sir John had class and fame, And he wrote with grace and art, Few people noticed that the name Was a nether body part. The year was barely half over when the Blathering Class began noting that 2009 seemed to be an especially big year for celebrity deaths. Perhaps that might have more to do with an ever-broadening definition of celebrity, but in any case, you'll have plenty to work with in our annual contest. This week: Write a humorous poem about someone who died in 2009, as in the example above by Pulitzer Prize-winning poet Gene Weingarten. Also this week: In response to the plea of Uberloser Russell Beland (who doesn't think much of the Empress's poetry-judging ability), we bring back an old contest as a second option -- give us a humorous, short obit headline for someone who died in 2009. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets the cute critter (suitable for wall hanging) pictured here, sent to us by Howard Walderman of Columbia, who wrote that he found in his attic "the enclosed trophy for winning Week 307. Described as a 'genuine cow-hoof flask,' it has been in storage for a decade . . . I am 'regifting' it; perhaps it is unique, ugly and useless enough to be re-awarded as a contest prize." Now that we can run photos of prizes, you can see that it's no flask. It definitely has some hoof in it, though. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 11. Put "Week 850" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 30. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Report from Week 846, in which we asked for end-of-year holiday letters from well-known people: The winner of the Inker We took first place in several competitions this year, and never once finished worse than second! And isn't it nice that the team will have lots of time with family after the holidays? I know I will. -- Best wishes, the Zorns (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) 2. the winner of the soap that looks like a bag of water with a goldfish in it:It was a helluva year. Good news, though -- I'm finally in the inner circle. -- Dante (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3. Sorry about the bulk mailing, but I'm getting into the spirit of "doing more with less" this season. Bernie has recently moved into a huge home in North Carolina -- and would you believe there's a bathroom in every room! -- Ruth Madoff (Jim Noble, Lexington Park) 4. Sorry to learn of Sparky's demise, though he'll make it to nearly 50 in dog years. Your mother's passing must be quite a shock, too, but at least she won't see it coming. . . . See you in the future! -- Nostradamus (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Epistle-Whipped: Honorable mentions The past year has been sooo hectic, so we're looking forward to kicking back at our reunion with the moon shot crew next year in Houston! -- Michaele and Tareq (Hal Handerson, Arlington, a First Offender) Hey, y'all. Taylor asked me to help out with sending out the letter this year, so I just wanted to let you know that Beyoncé sent one of the best holiday letters of all time. -- Kanye (Kevin Dopart) This year's big news, of course, has been my new job. Yeah, it's just a secretary position, but there's lots of travel to interesting places (first class!) and fabulous business dinners. And my new boss is HOT! Happy holidays -- Hillary (Chuck Koelbel, Houston) What a great year we've had! Three of our children have left the nest, but the other four will be with us awhile. We had a great visit with Uncle Sam this year, and can't wait till he comes to see us again. -- General Motors (Ed Gordon, Georgetown, Tex.) Happy Hanukkah, everyone! Buon natale from Hotel Omerta in Palermo! What a year -- justice has triumphed at last! To my dear family and friends who supported me: Grazie mille! I will never forget. To those who didn't: Trust me, I won't forget you either. -- John Jr. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) . . . and imagine, our darling daughter Elin was able to beat Tiger using his own clubs! -- The Nordegrens (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) I did a lot of work with Jewish charities this year -- I'm so glad they felt they could come to me for help. -- Bernie M. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Merry Christmas to the Girls in Hollywood: I'm now involved with a foreign royal -- we met on his private island. He's hairier than I like 'em, but you should see his muscles! -- Ann Darrow (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) . . . and a Happy New Year to you! Now, if you could take a moment, could you let me know: 1. Did my holiday newsletter meet your expectations? (5 = strongly agree; 1 = strongly disagree) 2. Thinking of other holiday newsletters, would you say this one was . . . -- J.W. Marriott Jr. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Next week: Questionable Journalism, or Take News for an Answer ====================================================================== WEEK 851, published January 9, 2010 Week 851: Going to the shrink -- 'downsize' a movie title "The Bearable Tightness of Boeing": An accountant hunkers down with his laptop on the 737 to Albuquerque and really doesn't feel all that uncomfortable. "The Medium-Size Lebowski": A cult film about duckpin bowling." In this era of downsizing and the momentary fad of at least pretending to live more modestly, Loser Stephen Gold of The Invitational's Glasgow Bureau suggests this contest: "Downsize" the title of a book, movie or play to make it smaller or less momentous and describe it, as in the examples above. Do us all a favor by checking your title online to see if it's already a widespread joke, in which case you may inflict it only upon your loved ones. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a doll, that is supposed to depict Eleanor Roosevelt but we think looks kind of like Adrian Fenty if the mayor had a shock of gray hair and big gray eyebrows and a fox pelt around his neck. A non-Loser mailed it to us, pleading for anonymity because Mrs. R had been a gift to her daughter. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 18. Put "Week 851" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead was submitted independently by Chris Doyle and Roy Ashley. Report from Week 847, in which we asked you to choose a sentence from a Washington Post of that week and supply a question it might answer. It may be clear from the results below which handful of people seem to have pored over every last story in The Post that week, sending literally hundreds of entries. The winner of the Inker "All these little white-haired people around me are standing and I couldn't," she recalled. When did Snow White finally realize the need to check herself into rehab? (George Vary, Bethesda) 2. the winner of the bottle of Beauzeaux wine: "Because I am committed to saving lives, saving money and saving Medicare, I am committed to fully closing it, once and for all." What New Year's resolution did Vice President Biden make about his mouth? (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 3. Adjö, Saab. Can you really type with your eyes shut? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) 4. In a few cases, the payoff from a bust can be huge. Why did the Miss USA officials agree to finance Carrie Prejean's surgery? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Reduced sentences: Honorable mentions Someone will test your knowledge, skill or intelligence. What's the least of your worries if you want to become a reality TV star? (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) When she was taken down to be restored in 1993, it took a helicopter to move her. Is it going to be a lot of trouble to bring Miss Taylor to the Kennedy Center Honors? (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) I didn't even look at my watch. What's faint praise from your lover? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) President Hamid Karzai is to convene a three-day conference on corruption Tuesday. Where can I attend Rod Blagojevich's "Tips From the Pros" workshop? (George Vary) The 11 players and one substitute were reported missing over the weekend. Where the heck is the Redskins' offense? (Jeff Contompasis) They think they're at the top of the world. Just how stupid are penguins? (Russell Beland) There is no reason a pancreas should ever be thrown away. What's one of the justifications for funeral home gift shops? (Kevin Dopart) This is nuts. What IS this delicious dish they call Rocky Mountain oysters? (Beverley Sharp, Washington) "Tough enough to actually change behavior." What is the new motto for Nike golf clubs? (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge) "I want to be official." Alex Ovechkin, what will you do when your playing days are over? (Kevin Dopart) A. One weighs 20 grams and has brown fur. Q. How do you know those women over there are fashion models? (Chris Doyle) The holiday is here, there isn't much cheer, but at least we're still here. What verse launched Hallmark's new line of cards, Refrigeratorbox Greetings? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) He pushes the kitchen chair in. Does your husband do a lot of household chores? (Russell Beland) "We're going to make, you know, some adjustments and things like that." What was the detailed plan that Secretary Geithner put forth to solve the financial crisis? (Michael Seaton, Bowie) His parents were separated. What euphemism did King Louis XVII use to describe the fate of Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette? (Russell Beland) "Whether I win or lose, I've got to look at myself in the mirror the next day, and a word that's important to me is integrity." Why on earth did you get "integrity" tattooed backward on your forehead? (Russell Beland) "I can get him in that range in no time." What did Hansel hear Gretel say as she cut a deal with the hungry witch? (Beverley Sharp) Offer to e-mail her some photos of other pieces you've done. What advice would you not give Tiger Woods on how to reconcile with his wife? (Pete Morelewicz, Washington) "I get angry," Debbie says. I hear Debbie's anniversary is coming up -- what does she usually get? (Russell Beland) "It's one of those things that can't hurt." What are the most common last words besides "hold my beer"? (Kevin Dopart) And that is why Democrats here are steaming. Ever notice the heat rising from manure in the winter? (Russ Taylor, Vienna) And Last: "We're inventing ways to lose." Why do you guys keep sending in this stupid stuff? (Beverley Sharp) See more honorable mentions from Week 847 in next week's column. Next Week: Up and addin', or Har Extensions More honorable mentions from Week 847 of The Style Invitational, in which we asked you to take any sentence from a Washington Post of that week and supply a question it might answer: You'll just get a more expensive blur. What will I obtain by purchasing an impressionist painting at Sothebys instead of Wal-Mart? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Imagine outlawing in America the construction of a particular architectural element because some citizens perceive it to be culturally undesirable or symbolically threatening. What first-draft lyrics made John Lennon realize he needed to write more concisely? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) There's a lot of pride in Warren. Okay, if it's not vanity, why does he think that song is about him? (Russell Beland, Fairfax) There's nothing like a few good explosions to transcend pesky language barriers. In a nutshell, what is your view on diplomacy, Mr. Bin Laden? (Beverley Sharp, Washington) What kind of accommodations are you willing to tolerate? What's the first thing you're asked at Motel 5? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) No one could give me any answers or assure me that my parents would be covered. Why did you turn down the Savings in Loam economy cemetery plots for your parents? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) That's why a lot of them don't become sophomores. Can you believe how sophomoric these freshmen are? (Russell Beland) Isolated shower late. What's the romantic forecast if I dare tell my wife that her favorite red dress makes her look chunky? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) The administration and some of the nation's largest banks have hastened to part company in recent weeks. Can you think of an example of that old saying about a fool and his money? (Russell Beland) With proper instruction, you'll get the hang of it in no time -- and on your next attempt, you'll be able to do it entirely on your own. What was the best advice Onan ever received? (Chris Doyle) I'm really worried. What did Alfred E. Neuman say about the decline in magazine readership? (Russell Beland) And Last: "It's almost like 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,' but Mr. Smith turned out to be somebody that wasn't Mr. Smith." What entry arrived a little too late to win the bad-analogies contest from Week 121? (Russell Beland) ====================================================================== WEEK 852, published January 16, 2010 Week 852: Small, Let's get -- Backward rhopalic sentences This week's results are for rhopalic sentences, ones in which each successive word is one letter longer. Predictably, a lot of people found it hard to write a rhopalic sentence in something approaching natural English syntax, let alone make it funny and clever as well. And just as predictably, a number of Losers took right to this contest So, by perhaps unpopular request, we'll do it again, backwards and in high heels: This week: Write a rhopalic sentence (or fanciful newspaper headline) in which each successive word is one letter shorter. Hyphenated words or phrases may count as one word or more. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a necktie depicting some sculpture by a guy named Rodin that looks exactly like the Inker except that it is missing the paper bag over its head. From Beverley Sharp of Washington, who happens to own five Inkers but does not tend to wear neckties. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 25. Put "Week 852" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results and this week's honorable-mentions subhead are both by Craig Dykstra. Report from Week 848, in which we asked for rhopalic sentences, ones in which each successive word is one letter longer. The question arose online on The Style Conversational soon after the contest was announced: Do hyphenated words count as one word or two? The Empress, with uncharacteristic leniency, ruled: either. The winner of the Inker I do fun, cool stuff mostly: noogies, pantsing, spitballs, shoe-lacing, hand-buzzers, elbow-farting, towel-snapping, nipple-twisting, flower-squirting . . . -- G.W. Bush, Dallas (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2. the winner of the three lollipops with various critters embedded in them: Dogs NEVER wonder whether burglars underwent mitigating, exculpating, early-boyhood, gender-related disappointment. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 3. Go out(,) West, urged Taylor swiftly. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 4. My bra fits lower, dammit, because gravity's heartless. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) Stretching it: Honorable mentions We are agog after Tiger's wrecked Cadillac discloses infidelity, triple-bogey extramarital relationships. (Chris Doyle) The weak vegan senses: Sauteed reindeer satisfies completely! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) King Midas dreamt, feeling giltless. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) "Oh, lie once again, please!" lustily entreats Gabriella, Pinocchio's adventurous acquaintance. (Mark Richardson, Washington) Ice, salt, limes, shaker, tequila = blissful margarita perfection. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) One word today equals "Salahis": "chutzpah." (Pat Kanz, Ocean Pines, Md.) I am not with child -- merely heavier. Imbecile. (Paul Buckley, Bowie, a First Offender) Palin writes notably readable biography: Republican womanifesto. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Big-bank asset relief: nothing ventured, something shanghaied. (Kevin Dopart) "Bo, you been fired!" Little Richard candidly announced. (Chris Doyle) "I do," she says. Groom silent. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) To his wife, Woods needed ironing. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) "I Am Sam, Play Again": Seuss's rhyming revision refreshes "Casablanca." (Kevin Dopart) Tiger should endorse Fidelity. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) "I am not King Fairy," Oberon growled. (Chris Doyle) Fly life cycle: larvae; maggots; pupation; emergence; Cronenberg. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) U Nu, the only Burma leader elected, provides countless palindrome enthusiasts interminable entertainment. (Chris Doyle) "Oh, you heel!" cried direly injured Achilles. (Beverley Sharp) Best two-worder: Snow blows. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Best three-worder: Global warming: chilling. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Best four-worder: Re 848: This sucks. (Beverley Sharp) And last: Why Xmas wasn't widely enjoyed: Rhopalic sentences interfered. (Beverley Sharp) More honorable mentions from Week 847 Find a sentence in The Post and supply a question it could answer: You'll just get a more expensive blur. What if I purchase an impressionist painting at Sothebys instead of Wal-Mart? (Kevin Dopart) There's a lot of pride in Warren. Okay, if it's not vanity, why does he think that song is about him? (Russell Beland, Fairfax) There's nothing like a few good explosions to transcend pesky language barriers. Briefly, what is your view on diplomacy, Mr. Bin Laden? (Beverley Sharp) What kind of accommodations are you willing to tolerate? What's the first thing you're asked at Motel 5? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Isolated shower late. What's the romantic forecast if I dare tell my wife that her favorite red dress makes her look chunky? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) The administration and some of the nation's largest banks have hastened to part company in recent weeks. Can you think of an example of that old saying about a fool and his money? (Russell Beland) With proper instruction, you'll get the hang of it in no time -- and on your next attempt, you'll be able to do it entirely on your own. What was the best advice Onan ever received? (Chris Doyle) I'm really worried. What did Alfred E. Neuman say about the decline in magazine readership? (Russell Beland) Next Week: Homonymphomania, or Earily Familiar *This Week's Snafu: My change of heart on running more honorable mentions as a Web supplement, and instead deciding to hold them for next week's paper, was not picked up on the Washingtonpost.com stethoscope, and so the supplement was posted online anyway sometime after 3:25 p.m on Friday. At 4:45 I asked that it be taken down. So those catching a glimpse of those entries get to read at least most of them again in the Jan. 16 paper. I am not sure all of those entries will fit next week, but I promise the Losers who were named in the Web supplement will be represented next week as well. ====================================================================== WEEK 853, published January 23, 2010 Week 853: Its easy as DEF -- create a new word with a series of letters McDeath: The new Bacon Half Pounder with Cheese There's a full moon out there, which means it's time for yet another neologism contest, this one suggested by Amazing Rookie Loser Craig Dykstra (with his own example). This week: Create a brand-new word or phrase that contains a block of three successive letters in the alphabet; the series must go forward in the alphabet, not backward. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a cute little solar-powered Dancing Cactus, donated by Rick Haynes of Potomac. "Dancing" is a bit of a stretch, but put it on a sunny windowsill and it will move and wave its arms at you. It is also as smooth-skinned as a, um, as a non-cactus. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 1. Put "Week 853" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 20. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Pete Morelewicz and Kevin Dopart. Report From Week 849, in which we asked you to create new homonyms -- words spelled differently from, but pronounced the same as, existing words. While academics tend to use "homophones" to describe these words, we went along with the permissive definition of "homonym" in The Post's dictionary. So just relax and enjoy, huffy people. The Winner of the Inker Glock-n-Spiel: Common action-movie scene in which the villain has a gun aimed at the hero's head, but rather than just pulling the trigger, he delivers a long victory speech about his superiority, which proves fatally wrong seconds later. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) 2. winner of the pantyhose-faced see/hear/speak-no-evil soft sculpture: Ho-maid: The role of a traditional wife. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) 3. Hi-deaf TV: Commercials. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) 4. S-cargo: Snail mail. (Don Hauptman, New York, a First Offender) Homophoning it in: Honorable mentions Adhear: A jingle that gets stuck in your head. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Altarnates: Mistresses. (Sneha Kannan, Cambridge, Mass.) Fundrazer: Bernie Madoff. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) Untennable: Listen, no amount of plastic surgery is going to turn you into Angelina Jolie. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Newsances: Tweets. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Buyou: The source of Louisiana political success. (Kevin Dopart) Blahg: An online chronicle about scrapbooking and kittens. (Kevin Dopart) Brewedmare: Where a Clydesdale comes from. (Russ Taylor) Eyesickle: The coldest of stares. (Michelle Stupak) Jungster: A freshman psych major. (Pete Morelewicz, Washington) Webcaste: The new elite in Bangelore. (Russ Taylor) Peteat: Small-busted. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Ouizel: A devious Frenchman. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) Demanned: Unstaffed. (Kevin Dopart) Assistense: Your mother-in-law's visit to "help out" with your new baby. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) Herpeas: The result of sharing the wrong pod. (Craig Dykstra) Expyre: An old flame. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Dictater: Mister Head Potato. (Tom Witte) Aquaducked: Waterboarded (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Epidermiss: A centerfold. (Craig Dykstra) Whacks eloquent: Kills softly with his song. (Craig Dykstra) Suckcess: A Pyrrhic victory. (Tom Witte) Manshun: A convent (also known as a virginn). (Tom Witte) Fourplay: (1) Tiger Woods and three hackers. (2) Tiger Woods and three hookers. (Mike Gips, Bethesda) Habitchuation: Chronic complaining. (Chris Doyle) Sacks: A clothing store in the alley off Fifth Avenue. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Whizdom: Successful potty training. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Moetivate: To inspire others to action by twisting their noses, yanking their hair and knocking their heads together. (Marbury Wethered, Greenbelt; Kevin Dopart) Whorenet: A prostitution sting. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Maehem: What transpired after the invitation to "come up and see me sometime." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Dudey: Extremely limited social responsibility, such as turning away from others while belching. (Kevin Jamison, Gaithersburg) Jeanealogy: The history of one's physique as reflected in choice of pants, from paint-on hip-huggers to dad-slacks. (Dion Black, Washington) Foursight: Absentmindedly putting on glasses when you're already wearing contacts. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Pleisto-scene: Happy hour at the senior center. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Robbury: The costs hidden in a 2,000-page health care bill. (Jim Noble, Lexington Park) Diet-titian: The Italian painter famous for his skinny nudes. (Barbara Turner) Beau tie: The short leash you keep your man on. (Cheryl Davis, Arlington) Boomeringue: The results of cooking egg whites in the microwave. (Craig Dykstra) Musturd: Baby poo. (Craig Dykstra) Prophet-sharing: Bible study. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Bootie call: What you might get nine months after a booty call. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Egg yoke: Umbilical cord. (Beverley Sharp) Boredello: A cathouse where everyone looks and acts exactly like your wife. (Dion Black) Next Week: Dead Letters, or The Year in Adieu ====================================================================== WEEK 854, published January 30, 2010 Week 854: What's not to liken Men are like blenders: You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like mascara: They tend to run at the first sign of emotion. As most everything quotable does anymore, a lot of zingy similes like the ones above have been zinging anonymously around the Internet; those were zung over to us by Inveterate E-Mail Forwarder Peter Metrinko, who suggests that the Loser community should be able to produce even, you know, zingier ones. This week: Produce one or more similes in any of the following categories: men; women; teenagers; dogs; cats; Facebook; coffee; "I." Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the classic Japanese easy-reader book "The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts," which aims to educate children that it's okay, in fact desirable, to cut them regularly. Donated by Cheryl Davis. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug . Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 8. Put "Week 854" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Larry Yungk; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Pete Morelewicz; the headline on this week's Web supplement, "Death Poetry Jam," is by Tom Witte. Report From Week 850, in which, as we do each January, we sought poems humorously commemorating those who'd died the previous year. This year we also brought back the option of writing a humorous headline instead. As usual, we received lots of fabulous poems -- we'd certainly expected no less after a year that seemed to have more than its share of Page 1 obituaries. But we didn't get a single really good one about Michael Jackson. The winner of the Inker Higgledy piggledy, Pentti Airikkala, Road rally driver from Finland, has passed. Cancer defeated his Autoimmunity, Proving untrue that nice Finnish guys last.(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 2. the winner of the cute critter made out of a hoof: Millvina Dean, the youngest survivor on the Titanic, and last year its oldest: "The women and children go first," the word passed; Now Millvina Dean -- who went first -- has gone last. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) 3. A millionaire, a kindly soul, a mensch with civic pride, And to many worthy charities a donor, Abe Pollin now has richly been rewarded: Since he died, He no longer has to be the Wizards' owner. (Brendan Beary) 4. Because the AmEx card's their fave, They're here today to tout it. The diggers of Karl Malden's grave Just won't heave loam without it. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Nearly beloved: Honorable mentions What a coincidence: singing our threnodies Two weeks apart for a pair of Ted Kennedys. One was the senator, lefty fomenter; One, the old Maple Leafs' Hall of Fame center. Here, then, a question that's ripe for debating: Which Ted got farther in life through his skating? (Brendan Beary) Porn star Marilyn Chambers Marilyn Chambers arrives at the gates, Where she's met by the leery Saint Peter. "I plan to be meeting my maker," she states, "But I'll settle for making my meeter." (Chris Doyle) CBS's Don Hewitt What Andy Warhol said of fame, Some think his words were true. It Seems most folks get one brief flash, But not so Mr. Hewitt, Although you get a quarter-hour, Don's share wasn't fixed. He Took his 15 minutes' worth And made it last for 60. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) Pitchman Billy Mays O'er the grave of Billy Mays Upon the granite shrine, The year of death has been reduced To 1999. (Rob Cohen, Potomac) But That's Not All! Oh Wait, Yes It Is. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Al Bernardin, creator of McDonald's Quarter Pounder I don't doubt your good intentions; Man's made many bad inventions. The worst decline, the best increase: I only pray you rest in grease. (Bob Reichenbach, Middletown, Del.) Jeanne-Claude, wife and art partner of Christo The Mass ran long for dear Jeanne-Claude Since speakers found so much to laud. Some mourners nodded, others napped, But Christo sat there, simply rapt. (Chris Doyle) Mary Travers to Form New Trio With Peter, Paul (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Ed McMahon For thirty years as Carson's mate, He got "Tonight" crowds ready. How fitting that at Heaven's gate, St. John cried out, "Heeeeere's Eddie!" (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Pitcher Mark "the Bird" Fidrych Mark Fidrych lies beneath the ground And rests in peace, at last interred. A creature stirs and crawls around: The early worm that gets the Bird. (Chris Doyle) Robert McNamara: Body Count Up by 1 (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Ben Ali The angels above are so glad to extol All the virtues of Heavenly Ben's Chili Bowl. The Devil below says it just isn't fair Because Heaven's a hotter place now that Ben's there. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) Although we knew full well the end was near, We still must bow our heads for Zorn's career. (Craig Dykstra) Next week: Going to the shrink, or Coming Subtractions Death Poetry Jam: More Obit Poems From Style Invitational Week 850 More honorable mentions for poems and fanciful headlines commemorating those who died in 2009: Pitchman Billy Mays is dead. "Wait, there's more!" is what he said. Since he's now a sad statistic, That, it seems, was optimistic. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Irving R. Levine Pronounced Dead Correctly (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Jeanne-Claude's mourners all were wowed: The tomb, not she, was in the shroud. (Kevin Dopart) Ricardo Montalban: Montalban's rest in the Elysian fields Is scented not only with heather But also a permanent new-car smell With a waft of Corinthian leather. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville, Va.) 100% of Respondents Agree That Alec Gallup Is Dead (Mike Gips, Bethesda; Larry Yungk, Arlington) Soap box model turned porn star Marilyn Chambers Miss Marilyn's spent lots of time behind that big Green Door. She did it with both guys and gals, on swings and on the floor. She flaunted sexy body parts -- in front, behind, below, And then she washed the dirty sheets in suds of Ivory Snow. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City, Md.) Marilyn Chambers and Marilyn French, Feminist writer and seminal wench. Each in her own way had as vocation An angle from which to view male domination. Position is moot now: They've ceased animation. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) Ted Kennedy Finally Crosses the Bridge (Kevin Dopart) He interviewed stars for Parade Magazine, And his columns were gossip and fluff. James Brady's in some mausoleum, I'd bet: No grave could prove shallow enough. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Larry Gelbart: D*E*A*D (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) John Houghtaling, inventor of the Magic Fingers bed vibrator Magic Fingers accomplished his goal To gain wealth of the loftiest order. Let us hope in the fight for his soul That the Devil was given no quarter. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) The loss of cats is always sad, We must be strong, not wussy. And so we mourn the loss of Socks, Bill Clinton's favorite pet. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Berta Rosenberg, world's oldest Jew, At 112, her days were through. Her only regret was she'd told the waiter, "I'll eat half now, save the rest for later." (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) It seems that David Carradine, the hero of "Kung Fu," Possessed a darker character than viewers ever knew; How sad that in 2009 we put him on the shelf When David sadly Thai-died -- or, some say, he whacked himself. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) We'll miss you, David Carradine, although you brought some shame To what had been a well-respected acting family name. The way you snatched that pebble was essential to your show, But how you got your rocks off, sir, we didn't need to know. (Brendan Beary) Wayne Allwine, Mickey Mouse's voice, and Roy E. Disney, Walt's nephew Now it's time to say goodbye to all of their success: R-I-G (Gee, you look pale!) O-R-M (Mmmm, no pulse either!) O-R-T-I-S. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Jack Wrangler died from emphysema, news reports all stated. The rumors of his being hung were clearly unrelated. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Complex and Insouciant, Gourmet Magazine Suffers an Unpalatable Finish (Jeff Contompasis) ====================================================================== WEEK 855, published February 6, 2010 Week 855: The news could be verse In a poll, D.C.'s parents say schools are improving But they're not liking Chancellor Rhee. And since she's the same person who's gotten things moving, In logic, we'll give them a D. Last's week's obituary poems once again reminded us how well the Loser corps can recount an event -- or a whole life -- in the space of a few lines, and in rhyme to boot. We understand that some Losers even read the newspaper, at least if someone holds some stupid prize in front of them. This week: Sum up an article (or even an ad!) in any Washington Post print or online edition from Feb. 6 through Feb. 15 in verse. Our last current-events poetry contest, in June, was for haiku; haiku are welcome this time, too, but they have to be stellar to trump four lines of ingenious doggerel. There's no length limit, but longer poems have to be worth the space. Please include the headline of the story; if the point of the story isn't clear from the headline, also describe it briefly. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives -- don't say we don't give out big-money prizes -- a $100 trillion bill. Zimbabwean. It's no longer valid, but last year this bill could buy several loaves of bread. Donated by the magnanimous Rick Haynes. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug (see slide show at right for photos of prizes). Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 15. Put "Week 855" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Craig Dykstra; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Report from Week 851, in which we asked you to "shrink" the title of a book, play or movie and describe the new plot. We got lots of funny titles whose descriptions didn't really enhance them, including "Less Miserables," "Mildly Annoyed Max," "Post-it Notes From the Underground," "Physician Assistant Zhivago," "The Discount of Monte Cristo," "Intestine of Darkness," "The Meh Santini," "Lost Verizon," "Policy Disagreement on the Bounty," "Malcolm PG-13" and "Nicoderm Road." The winner of the Inker The Fifth Sense: "I smell dead people." (Adam and Russell Beland, Fairfax) 2. the winner of the unflattering Eleanor Roosevelt doll: The Mediocre Gatsby: The biography of Tareq Salahi. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) 3. Slaughterhouse $4.99: A family gets to choose among beef, chicken and pork with all the trimmings -- only at Denny's! (Greg Arnold, Herndon) 4. Three Days of the Condom: Love on a shoestring. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) Missed the Marquee: Honorable Mentions Guess Who's Coming To: A guy passes out. Then he wakes up. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Casablank: Rick can't really recall meeting Ilsa before, but he plays along because, what the heck, she looks like Ingrid Bergman. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) The Least of the Mohicans: A young Indian in New York scalps his theater tickets. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The Manchurian Media Darling Who Won't Say He's Running and Won't Say He Isn't: A Chinese plot to get Americans to give up on democracy once and for all. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Perturbed Bull: "Did you read off-color poetry to my wife?" (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Halve-atar: See it in 1.5-D! (Jim Deutsch, Washington) 75 Days of Summer: A guy lives in Minnesota. (Josh Borken, Minneapolis) One Hundred Minutes of Solitude: A teenager gets after-school detention. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Apollo 12: Three U.S. astronauts blast off for the moon, where they plant a flag, gather rocks and drink Tang, then return to Earth without incident. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) 20,000 Millimeters Under the Sea: The story of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel. (Jon Graft, Centreville) The Satanic Doggerel: The Koran in limerick form. "There once was a Prophet from Mecca . . ." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Oh. Calcutta: Teens are disappointed after sneaking into a play about . . . Calcutta. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Eat, Pay, Love: Eliot Spitzer's soul-stirring memoir of self-discovery on a brief business trip to Washington. (Gordon Barnes, Alexandria) The Hitchhikers CliffsNotes to the Galaxy: 42. (Kyle Hendrickson) Naked Breakfast: Embarrassing dad forgets to close his robe while cooking, finally learns lesson from bacon splatter. (Randy Lee, Burke) The Pelican Briefs: Travelers with oversize underwear arouse suspicion at airport security checkpoints. (Jeff Loren, Manassas) The Man Who Would Be Deputy Assistant Secretary: The stark truth about civil service. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.) Reasonable Expectations: Orphaned Pip realizes that his life in the mid-19th century is going to stink no matter what. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Gone in 60 Minutes: Man starts the car while his wife finishes getting ready to leave. (David Friedman, Boston) Gone in 30 Seconds: Fast-paced film about a mom who brings home pizza for three teenage boys. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Around the Mall in 80 Minutes: NOBODY has those cute boots! (Jean Berard, Arnold, Md., a First Offender) Mr. Smith Goes to Scaggsville: Near the end of his trip to the nation's capital, a traffic jam on I-95 forces him off the road south of Baltimore. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Lightly Soiled Harry: "What you have to ask yourself is 'Do I feel yucky?' " (Russell Beland) The Hunchback of South Bend Community College: Walk-on lineman doesn't let his disability deter him in the big game against Iowa Normal School. (Edmund Conti) The Da Vinci Code Ring: Robert Langdon unearths a monstrous conspiracy hidden in a box of Cracker Jack. (Ben Frey, Frederick, a First Offender) Next Week: Small, Lets Get, or The Taper Chase ====================================================================== WEEK 856, published February 13, 2010 Week 856: Titled Puerility -- Unpublishable books When he's not defacing The Style Invitational and many other newspaper stories and magazine covers, artist Bob Staake is usually writing and illustrating a book or eight -- he's done more than 40 children's books, with several more in the works. But Bob is an envelope-pusher ("Bob," the neighbors ask, "why are you walking around with an envelope in a baby carriage?") and sometimes his ideas are deemed not quite suitable for the Publishing Establishment. This week: Here are some untitled book covers (see all five in the slide show at right). For any of them, tell us a title and synopsis of a book that will never be published. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets an L-for-Loser hand-shaped bottle stopper, hand-molded in plastic resin by K-for-Loser Kyle Hendrickson. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 22. Put "Week 856" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Roy Ashley. Report from Week 852, in which we asked, as we did four weeks earlier, for rhopalic sentences -- except this time, each successive word had to be one letter shorter. (As we did last time, we let hyphenated compounds count as either single or multiple words.) The winner of the Inker Abdulmutallab ("Crotchbomber," "Undiebomber"): Detonation backfired, yielding nothing except Umar's sore lap. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) 2. the winner of the Thinker necktie: Adorable Chinese pandas going home: Boo Hu. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 3. GOPistas' no-it-all stance bodes woes for Mr. O. (Michael Reinemer, Annandale) 4. Satiated, Oedipus slowly rolls over: "Mom!?" (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Shirt? Nope. Mug? No.: Honorable Mentions Washington fast-paced? [Laughter.] Beltway tie-ups slash your MPH to 0. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Student Hester works hard for an A. (Chris Doyle) Miraculous invention restores economy -- toilet paper pull tab! (Joey Carlton, Roanoke, Va., a First Offender) Venerable soldiers forever eschew death; fade awa . . . (Beverley Sharp) Poverty-stricken administration forehead-slaps: Coin-munching, inoperative, inaccurate, painfully outdated parking meters bring cash! 6:30! Ha! (Barry Brennessel, Washington, a First Offender) Recently revised lineup: Peter, Paul and (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Sesquipedalian conversations disintegrate intercourse: Lovemaking expresses language sweeter beyond words. (Kevin Coyne, Fairfax, a First Offender) Sightings continue! Reality lesson: Elvis DIED -- get it? (Beverley Sharp) Exceedingly perplexing countdown launches rockets: eleven, eight, four, one, um, 0. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Good-looking. Youthfully exuberant. Sexually charged. Dupont manse. Real?! MTV! (Barry Brennessel) Blue-skinned Pocahontas convinces ex-Marine: Pandora chicks worth risk (and 3-D). (Randy Lee, Burke) Listlessly, conquered Napoleon wanders, saying again, "Able was, uh, I." (Susie Wiltshire, Richmond) "Change," Obama said. Now? No. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Masquerader apologizes regarding infamous "crashed" Indian event: "Sari!" (Craig Dykstra) Massachusetts' considerably disgruntled electorate delivered stunning message: Barack Obama just got an F. (Neff, Joe, am I; Warrington, Pa.) "Marital excess" means "exes." (Beverley Sharp) Unnoteworthiness notwithstanding, geographically disadvantaged unsuccessful nondescript Republican candidate evermore remains better known than you or I. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) Offsetting customary coolness, Gilbert Arenas packs heat now. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Ahmadinejad reprimands sissified athletes because "anyone Irani isn't gay." (Chris Doyle) Un-Lady-like appendage revealed; tabloid exposé shows Gaga née "he." (Craig Dykstra) Coakley tanked. Obama wept. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) And Last: DearTech Support: Help,my space bar's bad. (Russell Beland) To see this week's and a full archive of previous contests, visit washingtonpost.com/styleinviational. Next Week: Easy as DEF, or Threeologisms ====================================================================== WEEK 857, published February 20, 2010 Week 857: All FED up As this week's results demonstrate yet again, the Losers' gushing font of neologism seems never to run dry. So let's turn that contest on its head. This week: Create a brand-new word or phrase that contains a block of three successive letters in the alphabet -- but the series must go backward through the alphabet. The three letters may stretch across a hyphen or two words. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets -- only if the Loser really would like it, because we want to see it go to a loving home -- this diorama depicting "Sweeney Todd," with actual Peeps marshmallow bunnies as the human characters (including the meat pie material). An honorable-mention winner in last year's Washington Post Peeps diorama contest, "The Demon Barber of Peep Street" was created and donated by Losers Craig Dykstra and Lois Douthitt. We're not going to risk mailing it (but could drive it to you), so if you're not in the D.C. area, or you'd rather not gaze repeatedly upon this cubic-foot-or-so sculpture, we'll send you a mug or T-shirt instead. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 1. Put "Week 857" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 20. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results and this week's honorable-mentions subhead are both by Jeff Contompasis. Report from Week 853, in which we asked you to create new words or terms that contain a block of three successive letters of the alphabet (going forward): The winner of the Inker Coughin: A small enclosure designed especially for smokers. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) 2. the winner of the little solar-powered "dancing cactus": Mno: The kind of response that makes you want to ask her again. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) 3. Noplow: The District's snow emergency plan. (Jack Clark, Westfield, N.J., a First Offender) 4. Geode-face: Someone whose beauty is "sparkling inside." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Tri again: Honorable mentions Abcadaver: The woman who really did get sawed in half in the magic act. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Afghanistunned: Simply amazed that a country the British Empire and Soviet Union couldn't conquer might put up a tough fight. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Bat-uvula: A weird glob of something that hangs from your ceiling. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Beef galosh: Really tough steak. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Blooperstown: Where Bill Buckner's headed. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Cudgelmnemonics: The old-school practice of hitting the kid until he got it right. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Defeast: Barf. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Defecrate: A porta-potty. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Deficits pending: The fate of a public that wants lower taxes and higher government benefits. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Deflawyered: Screwed by one's attorney. (Jan Brandstetter, Mechanicsville, Md.) Mnomonic: A device that helps you forget. (Willard Goodman, Bethesda; Cathy Lamaze, North Potomac, both First Offenders; Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) Flabcake: Beefcake after a number of years and a number of beers. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, a First Offender) Flabcoitus: When two heavy people make love, it's like having their own built-in waterbed. (Peter Metrinko) Franklindelanophobia: The fear of fear itself. (Chris Doyle) Gandhi jacket: A loincloth. (Kevin Dopart) Gopquiz: A test in which the answer to every question is "No." (Brian Baker, Washington) GPStupido: Someone who blindly trusts technology to the point of following the direction to "turn left and proceed" in the middle of the Wilson Bridge. (Craig Dykstra) Granophone: Last year's Nokia. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Guanopolis: Rhymes-with-city city. (Kevin Dopart) Hearstay: Unsubstantiated gossip that lives forever on the Internet. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Hijerk: A terrorist who tries to take over an airplane by threatening to blow his pants off. (Jim Noble, Lexington Park) Hog Hillel: A barbecue joint that never got any customers. (Kevin Dopart) Hymnosis: The method televangelists use to encourage people to part with their money. (Dion Black, Washington) Laughingstick: An embarrassingly small member. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Limbaughing: Seeing how low you can go. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) Luvwoo: Kissy-talk that causes others to vomit. (Kyle Hendrickson) Noplanetarium: The new Pluto Museum. (Judith Cottrill, New York) Ohnophile: Someone obsessed with gloom and doom. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Popquest: A visit to the sperm bank. (George Smith, Frederick) Prenope: An agreement to abstain until the wedding night. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) Omnoxious: Managing to annoy everyone. (Tracy Griggs, Reston, a First Offender) Rotwurst: Roadkill. (Tom Witte) Sexyzygote: The one that wins the race. (Laura Miller, Gainesville) Side-fry: Illegitimate children. (Tom Witte) Snide-flushing: Repeatedly running the toilet in the stall next to the guy on the cellphone. (Kevin Dopart) Stud pharm: The Viagra factory. (Craig Dykstra) Stupa dupa: A really good Buddhist. (Robert J. Inlow, Charlottesville, a First Offender) Xenophib: Spiteful lie told to tourists (e.g., "You'll want to take the Metro Green Line to Georgetown . . ."). (Randy Lee, Burke) Zaideflora: The thick growth that sprouts out of old men's ears. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) And Last: FirStank: Why you didn't win a tree-shaped air freshener. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Next week: What's not to liken? or Parallel lines ====================================================================== WEEK 858, published February 27, 2010 Week 858: Same OED Embase: The chocolate inside the hard candy coating. It's Part 2 of a contest we started in 2007. Here's a list of words that Loser Ne Plus Ultra Russell Beland has found in another small section of the New Shorter Oxford English Dictionary. If you know what any of them mean -- for example that an exossation is "a depriving of bone or fruit stones" -- good for you, but we don't care. This week: Make up a false definition for any of the words listed below. You may use it in a funny sentence but not in an unfunny sentence. Ebulum Echeneis Eclegme Ecod Effatum Effray Eglatere Eidouranion Elatcha Elixivate Embase Emunge Endship Enew Eruke Etik Exerce Exossation Fand Fazle Feague Fernamuck Festino Fewterer Fibutor Findhorn Fistic Fleme Fourbe Galeche Galion Gast Gemew Gestning Gleimy Governail Greal Hastif Haye Hicket Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place scores the book "The World's Worst: A Guide to the Most Disgusting, Hideous, Inept, and Dangerous People, Places, and Things on Earth." Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 8. Put "Week 858" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle of Ponder, Tex.; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia. Report from Week 854, in which we asked for jokes in the venerable simile form "men are like . . . ," "women are like . . . ," etc., in eight categories. IMPORTANT NOTE TO THE EASILY OFFENDED: Yes, we realize that many of the jokes below are based on sexist stereotypes and attitudes that do not apply to a great many men and women, and certainly not to you. The winner of the Inker Women are like flashlights: Ones with two D's aren't always the brightest, but they'll do when the lights go out. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) 2. the winner of the classic children's book "The Gas We Pass": Men are like Swiss army knives: No matter how useful they appear, they mostly just pick teeth and open beer bottles. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 3.Teenagers are like a freshly bottled wine: They might be palatable seven years from now. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) 4.Men are like the TV yule log: They're easy to turn on, but you're not going to get much warmth out of them. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Hacksimiles: Honorable mentions A man is like the Loch Ness Monster: You suspect there's something under the surface, but no one's ever seen it. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City) Men are like dowsers: They make all their decisions with just one thing, and once in a while even get it right. (Kevin Dopart) Men are like ringtones: A lot of the time, you'd rather just switch to "vibrate." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Men are like the women in "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock": They come and go. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) Women are like kidneys: They always go to the bathroom together. (Russell Beland) Women are like IRS auditors: You get more attention from them when you earn a lot. (David Kleinbard) A woman is like the Pillsbury Doughboy: soft and pliable -- until she gets burned. (Michelle Stupak) Women are like closing pitchers: It takes a lot of effort to warm them up just for a few minutes of service. -- W. Beatty, Hollywood (Kevin Dopart) Women are like members of Congress: They'll do what you want, but you'll have to plead long, hard and loudly, and it's very, very expensive. (Jim Noble, Lexington Park) Women are like an E-ZPass: The toll for entrance is always exacted later. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Women are like barbed-wire fences -- easy to become entangled with, but extremely difficult to get over without a lot of pain. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand) Dogs are like trips to Cleveland: Each day is like a week. (Russell Beland) Dogs are like Losers: They have just one use for The Washington Post. (Kevin Dopart) Cats are like Visa cards: They're everywhere you want to be. (Ray Gardiner, Olney, a First Offender) Cats are like the Empress Josephine: They'll do anything for a little shrimp. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Cats are like Unitarians: They're always questioning my authority. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Coffee is like life: Early on, we accept cheap "instant" gratification; later on, we have the patience to wait for the most expensive beans to come out of an animal butt. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Starbucks coffee is like Barack Obama: hot, black, and what you shouldn't have if you want to balance your budget. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Teenagers are like a sci-fi film fest: Plenty of battles, the world keeps ending, and their dates are from another planet. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Teens are like crops planted in poor soil: You can only hope they'll grow out of it. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Teenagers are like modern art -- neither as dumb nor as deep as people make them out to be. Just something hanging around the place. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Teenagers are like my 1992 Honda Accord: It's super-loud, it's started smoking, it takes forever to start in the winter, and its trunk smells like a dead squirrel. (Josh Borken, Minneapolis) Facebook is like that White House dinner for the Indian prime minister: It's free and anyone can join in. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Facebook is like a pair of nylon panties: synthetic intimacy. (Barbara Turner) Facebook is like a hangover: You can end up asking yourself, "HOW do I know this person?" (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) I am like a glass of cabernet: mildly amusing, with an earthy aroma. (Bird Waring) I am like the Empress: I'm dark-haired and make a lot of jokes, but I never get my name printed in The Style Invitational. (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg) Next week: The news could be verse, or Headline Muse ====================================================================== WEEK 859, published March 6, 2010 Week 859: Can't goods YOU CAN talk with your hands BUT YOU CAN'T tyjpe w8th y4ohufr el;bo9ws. (Joe Shepherd, Gaithersburg) If they can _______, why can't they ________? If you _______, they will ______. You can _______, but you can't _______. It's not the _______, it's the ______. Mining the Invite archives from 1996: Cast a joke in one of the forms listed above, as in the example, the winner from Week 188. We are looking for original humor; we do not want to see driveways and parkways, or heat and stupidity. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins what's bound to be one of the most coveted in the contest's history: Loser Larry Yungk had this key chain custom-made by a metalwork craftsman at the Lumphini Night Bazaar in Bangkok. It cost him about $3 plus plane fare. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 15. Put "Week 859" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published April 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results and this week's honorable-mentions subhead are both by Chris Doyle. Report From Week 855, in which we asked you to write a poem summarizing, or at least musing upon, an article or ad that appeared in The Post Feb. 6-15: That was the week of the Super Bowl, the "tea party" convention and, of course, snow snow snow. THE WINNER OF THE INKER Tom Tancredo's outrageous speech at the tea party convention: Tancredo's recent tea-bag rant Was so downright embarrassin' That other fonts of right-wing cant Are Palin in comparison. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) 2. the winner of the $100 trillion bill (Zimbabwean): John Mayer's Playboy interview in which he said his sex organ was a "white supremacist": Higgledy piggledy, Singer John Mayer -- his Interview made him sound Crude, oversexed. Even more shocking than Genito-racism: Readers of Playboy do Look at the text. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) 3. The snowstorm: Dropped on every Washington street, a Load of Mother Nature's excreta. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 4. 'Sarah Palin's palm cheat-sheet steals her show' In language not subtle or guarded, Democratic ideas she discarded, Tea Folk think she's da bomb, But the notes on her palm Make Ms. Palin seem sort of Republican. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) Muses Fit to Print: Honorable mentions -- 'A reporter faces the naked truth about full-body airport scanners' There's a sneaky new scanner that's bad to the bone; It detects hidden bombs in your underwear zone. But the ACLU's bid for privacy won: You can just have a "pat-down" (Oh, won't that that be fun?) (Beverley Sharp, Washington) -- 'Saints win Super Bowl for first time' With its Super Bowl triumph, New Orleans at last Bids goodbye to Katrina's ill winds of the past. But it's odd that two keys to the Saints' final push Are a passer named Brees and a runner named Bush. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) -- Tim Carter's advice on home repairs A septic tank's no place to stick your head; The methane gas, alas, could leave you dead. So, non-professionals, don't ever try To clean one: It's a case of doo or die. (Beverley Sharp) -- 'Another day, another Prius recall report' Prius supporters will credit Toyota For fixing those iffy-braked units they've sold. Eco-extremists will readily note a Reduced use of gas when they're telephone-poled. (Jeff Foster, San Francisco, a First Offender) -- Ad for Toviaz, an overactive-bladder medication If you know you gotta go Even after you just went, Our pill will amaze, and for 30 days It won't cost you one red cent. The side effects are in the text: Constipation and some blushing; But you won't dribble, so don't quibble, And you'll save on all that flushing. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) -- Reliable Source item Alec Baldwin's such a jerk, With his nasty little quirk: Once again he's picked a bone With his daughter on the phone. It made news, in bold italic: He's a pretty dumb smart Alec. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) -- 'Tai Shan lands corporate sponsorship from Chinese automaker' Cuddly wuddily, Tai Shan the panda bear Flew off to China and Pulled off a coup; Corporate sponsors will Capitalistically Pay him six figures -- a Lot of bamboo. (Beverley Sharp) -- ... and more snow Hizzardy blizzardy, Weather apocalypse Crippled this town with a One-two-three punch. I've heard enough from my Meteorologist. Gone to St. Martin; I'll Drink rum for lunch. (Craig Dykstra, on vacation in the West Indies) Next Week: Titled Puerility, or Dork and Cover More funny poems on the news: Style Invitational Week 855 By The Empress Saturday, March 6, 2010; More honorable mentions from Week 855 of The Style Invitational, in which we asked for poems based on stories or ads from a Washington Post of Feb. 6-15: "With speech, Palin bounds back on political stage" Palin thinks we've had enough Of all that "hopey-changey stuff." And to that, I'd like to share a Thought: We've had enough of Sarah. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) "A reporter faces the naked truth about full-body airport scanners" Terahertz, schmerahertz "Trustworthy" TSA Peeks through your clothing but Not through your skin. Scanners employing waves Submillimetrical See if your navel's an Outie or in. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) "Saints win Super Bowl for first time" For days, it seemed, "Snowpocalypse" was all the region talked about: How fierce the winds, how many inches fell. We caught it bad, but bear in mind the Saints just won the Super Bowl: Imagine just how cold it's gone in Hell! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) "Reaching New Heights" (the world's tallest building) Dubai's now a land of elation, With its new stratospheric sensation. Let's hope there's no urge For using "The Burj" To demonstrate defenestration. (Jim Deutsch, Washington) "Super-size equipment helps D.C. area EMTs move the obese" And "Michelle Obama: 'Let's move' and work on childhood obesity problem" "It's a national crisis," the first lady cried, "Eat well and be active -- now go play outside. "Else your health care will suffer: You'll end up so wide "That the medics will say, 'That's why Johnny can't ride.' " (Kevin Dopart, Washington) American Airlines ad offers cheap fares to the Caribbean American Airlines invites you to go To warm, sunny islands, while fares are still low! (This offer was not quite as good as it sounded: The airports were closed, and the planes were all grounded.) (Beverley Sharp, Washington) "Hastily bracing for another icy punch" To the tune of "Let It Snow" Oh, the weather outside is frightful, And we've had ourselves a night full Of watching fat snowflakes plop -- Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop. The Pepco trucks cannot reach us; "Just be patient," they beseech us. Our thermostat made a drop -- Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop. When we finally shovel free, And we skid on the ice to get bread, As we pull into Safeway, we Discover bare shelving instead. So we shiver and shake in sorrow, For we're getting more tomorrow. Our brains are about to pop; Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop! (Mae Scanlan) "Less-than-stellar remake 'We Are the World' debuts" We oversing! We're overdoin'! What Michael Jackson did with subtlety We're not pursuin'. Some of us are faking, We're using Auto-Tune; It's true we don't have perfect pitch Or stay on key. (Jeff Contompasis) ====================================================================== WEEK 860, published March 13, 2010 Week 860: Ten, anyone? Tiger Woods: World's greatest golfer. Plays a round and then plays around. Neil Armstrong: What a messy man -- left footprints all over the moon. For those who don't want to count to 140: There's a new Web site called Ten Word Wiki, where its founders, Englishmen Nathan Spong and Ben Morgan, are compiling a dictionary/encyclopedia "for the ADD generation" in which all the entries are exactly 10 words long, mordantly witty ones preferred. They're up past 4,000 entries. Let's help them out. Yours will be better. This week: Humorously define or describe something or someone in exactly 10 words (hyphenated compound words are one word), as in the examples above lifted from the site. Check www.tenwordwiki.com/All_Pages to make sure you don't duplicate what's already there. (You may use the same subject, but your entry must be substantially different to get ink here, and you might not be able to post it there.) Don't post your Invitational entries there until our results are published -- if the Empress sees a definition there that's the same as the one you sent, it's toast. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a DVD of an actual documentary called "Chick Flick: The Miracle Mike Story," which tells the incredible story of Mike the Headless Chicken, who toured the carnival circuits for 18 months after being decapitated. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 22. Put "Week 860" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published April 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart. This week's contest was suggested by Brendan O'Byrne of Regina, Saskatchewan. Report From Week 856, in which we sought titles of Books That Will Never Be Published for these covers by the otherwise successful children's-book author-illustrator Bob Staake: Bob himself chose the top five entries from the list of finalists that the Empress gave him. The winner of the Inker 1. Book A: "Pippi Bongstocking" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) -- Book A Honorable mentions "You Were Adopted, but You Weren't Our First Choice" (Beverley Sharp, Washington) "Cindy and the Psilocybin": Cindy finds out too late what her teacher Mr. Leary meant by "class trip." (Miles D. Moore, Alexandria) "The Rosy-Cheeked Sinner": Pat Robertson's guide to spotting Satan's minions. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) "Mother's Little Helper Finds Mother's Little Helpers" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) "You're Just Losing Your Marbles: A Child's Guide to Psychosis" (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) 2. Book B: "Bat the Bunny" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) -- Book B Honorable mentions "Little Big Mac": Young Mark discovers a special potion that lets him swing a bat that's twice his size! But will anyone notice that his head has blown up like a balloon? (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn; Juan A. Perez, Springfield, a First Offender) "Mother's Day": Timmy wants to surprise his mother with a new coat, so he's off on an incredible journey to the Arctic in search of baby seals. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "Horton Hurts a Herndon Day Laborer": A boy helps keep foreigners from taking Daddy's job. (Kevin Dopart) "Defending Mrs. Wilson": A little boy comes to the aid of his elderly next-door neighbor against her curmudgeonly husband. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville, Va.) "Lefty Saves the Day": In this book for kids who fret about being different, Lefty wins the game with the arm that grows out of his head. (Larry Carnahan, Arlington) 3. Book C: "Little Martha Stewart's Build 'n' Destroy Crafts Book" (Judith Cottrill, New York) -- Book C Honorable mentions "Nanny, Get Your Gun" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) "If You Don't Give a Girl a Cookie" (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) "Little Miss Masochist: 101 Tips and Tricks for Getting Spanked in a Timeout World" (Dion Black, Washington) "Jessica's Ritalin Adventure": No cap is childproof. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) 4. Book D: "Why God and I Hate Gay Marriage," by the Rev. Jerry Falwell: Written in simple language for young children and the ignorant, this book explains how a small child's world is turned literally upside down by gay marriage and parenthood. (Sheri L. Tardio, Prince Frederick, Md., a First Offender) -- Book D Honorable mentions "Mommy AND Daddy Are Gay": Little Dobson's world is turned upside down when he learns he is the child of the first union of a conservative lesbian and a transgender libertarian. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) "Jimmy Has Two Daddies and One's From Pandora" (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) "Can a Kindergartner Breathe Upside Down? Ten Nifty Science Experiments to Do at School" (Dudley Thompson) 5. Book E: "Everything You Eat Is Dead: The Cycle of Life Begins and Ends With You!" (Kevin Dopart) -- Book D Honorable mentions "Whoooo Knows the Number of Rat Parts in Chicken Soup?" (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) "Prince Albert's Revenge": Despite millions of concerned phone calls, Prince Albert was left to die in the can. Some say his ghost haunts kitchens, checking to see if refrigerators are running. (Jeff Brechlin) "Xylene the Friendly Sniffable Ghost: And Fun With His Volatile Organic Cousins" (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) "The Klan in the Can: The White Tornado Tries to Take Back America" (Kevin Dopart; Dave Zarrow, Reston) Next week: All FED up, or Redeem Your QPONs ====================================================================== WEEK 861, published March 20, 2010 Week 861: It's incumbent upon us The Watt-Eshoo-Inouye Sex-Change Regulatory Act (Carol Vance, Washington) Every two years, at the beginning of each session of Congress, The Style Invitational invites readers to combine the names of two or more freshman members (and sometimes, oddly, newly departed ones) to create "joint legislation." That's not often enough for some Losers, such as Mark Eckenwiler of Washington, who suggests an off-year contest so that we can exploit the colorful names of the incumbents as well. So we'll do sort of the converse of the freshmen contest: This week's pool of legislators includes only those who were elected to their seats before 1994, the first year we ran the freshman contest. The example above is from the time we used the entire Congress, way back in Week 5, in 1993; it's the only entry from that contest whose legislators are all still in their original seats. (And it demonstrates that while you might not be able to stay young forever, you can sure stay juvenile for 17 years.) The longtime incumbents: Ackerman, Akaka, Andrews, Bachus, Bartlett, Barton, Baucus, Becerra, Bennett, Berman, Bingaman, Bishop, Boehner, Bond, Boucher, Boxer, Brown, Burton, Buyer, Byrd, Calvert, Camp, Castle, Clyburn, Coble, Cochran, Conrad, Conyers, Costello, Deal, DeFazio, DeLauro, Diaz-Balart, Dicks, Dingell, Dodd, Dorgan, Dreier, Duncan, Edwards, Ehlers, Engel, Eshoo, Faleomavaega, Farr, Feingold, Feinstein, Filner, Frank, Gallegly, Goodlatte, Gordon, Grassley, Green, Gregg, Gutierrez, Hall, Harkin, Hastings, Hatch, Herger, Hinchey, Hoekstra, Holden, Hoyer, Hutchison, Inhofe, Inouye, Johnson, Johnson, Kanjorski, Kaptur, Kerry, Kildee, King, Kingston, Kohl, Leahy, Levin, Levin, Lewis, Lewis, Lieberman, Linder, Lowey, Lucas, Lugar, Maloney, Manzullo, Markey, McCain, McConnell, McDermott, McKeon, Mica, Mikulski, Miller, Mollohan, Moran, Murray, Nadler, Neal, Norton, Oberstar, Obey, Olver, Ortiz, Pallone, Pastor, Payne, Pelosi, Peterson, Petri, Pomeroy, Rahall, Rangel, Reid, Rockefeller, Rogers, Rohrabacher, Ros-Lehtinen, Roybal-Allard, Royce, Rush, Scott, Sensenbrenner, Serrano, Shelby, Skelton, Slaughter, Smith, Smith, Specter, Spratt, Stark, Stearns, Stupak, Tanner, Taylor, Thompson, Towns, Upton, Velázquez, Visclosky, Waters, Watt, Waxman, Wolf, Woolsey, Young, Young. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a comic book we're surprised we hadn't heard about before: This 1970s series was about a group of Nazi-fighting World War II heroes -- one for each branch of the services -- who called themselves the Losers because they kept getting refrigerator magnets with stupid cartoons on them. No, it was because men had died under their command. Whatever, this is an original comic, sealed in plastic, and was donated by Fighting Loser Peter Metrinko. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 29. Put "Week 861" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published April 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Mark Richardson; this week's honorable-mentions subhead was sent by both Judy Blanchard and Roy Ashley. The idea for limiting the congressional pool to old-timers was suggested by Michael Kilby in The Style Conversational. Report from Week 857, in which we asked you to produce new words or phrases containing a block of three consecutive letters of the alphabet -- backward. Seems that challenge was a bit more daunting than its forward-looking predecessor. The winner of the Inker Flingpong: Having your own affair to get even with a cheating spouse. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) 2. the winner of the "Sweeney Todd" Peeps diorama: Burpon: Carbonated whiskey. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) 3. Zyxzag: Path created during a DWI test when the cop makes you walk 20 steps while reciting the alphabet in reverse. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) 4. Intellectual DCbility: The newly revised term for "governmental retardation." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) PON Scum: Honorable mentions Ghostponement: A stay of execution. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Barf-edit: To blue-pencil all 2,000-some pages of the health care plan. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Colon-music: A prettier term than "farting." (Dion Black, Washington) Boybandonment: Finally tossing the 'N Sync posters. (Tom Witte) Soonmom: Teenager's unit of time, roughly equivalent to the half-life of carbon-14. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Coccyx winks: Stupid butt tricks. (Kevin Dopart) Jihades: Where suicide bombers end up. (Tom Witte; Rick Haynes, Potomac) Keg-fed: On the fraternity diet. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) Eonmail: Dial-up. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) ABCbabble: "The View." (Mae Scanlan) Fedhora: The Romanian hat dance. (Tom Witte) Inkjinx: The fate of an athlete who gets on the cover of Sports Illustrated. (Jack Clark, Westfield, N.J.) Iraqpot: A cauldron for a stew that's heated for seven years. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Marshmallow-vulture: The kid who'll eat the ones that fall off the stick. (Kevin Dopart) Songfester: An even grosser term for a catchy tune than "earworm." (Mae Scanlan) Snottonmouth: The failure of one's mustache filter. (Dave Prevar) Ponderosé: A posh dude ranch. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Fedgerdemain: The congressional budget process. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Glazed Downuts: Stockholders, these days. (Mae Scanlan) Snoutspend: Pay through the nose. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Next week: Same OED, or The punabridged dictionary ====================================================================== WEEK 862, published March 27, 2010 Week 862: Make up a team cheer Let's go somewhere else Deeetroit! Loser Ben Aronin wrote the Empress last month, noting that "I've been watching the Olympics and hearing such rousing cheers as 'Let's go, Canada!' I think that they (or we) could do better." This week: Send us a cheer or fight song for any pro sports team (you can use the team name or the city name) or any national team. (Assume that fans of foreign teams cheer in English.) Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a genuine Vancouver 2010 magnet featuring the mascot Sumi the animal spirit, donated by Genuine Vancouver Loser Sylvia Betts, plus a container of Flarp Noise Putty ("Makes Awful Noises! Disgusting! Great Fun!") discourtesy of Loser Dave Prevar of Annapolis. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 12. Put "Week 862" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published April 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Larry Yungk; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Pam Sweeney. Report from Week 858, in which we offered a list of very obscure words from the Oxford English Dictionary and asked you to produce fictional definitions for them. The real meanings -- or one meaning per word -- are listed here. The Winner of the Inker: Governail (actually a rudder): Pontius Pilate. (Mike Gips, Bethesda) 2. the winner of the book "The World's Worst: A Guide to the Most Disgusting, Hideous, Inept, and Dangerous People, Places, and Things on Earth": Effray: The invisible beam of pure malice emitted by a raised middle finger. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville) 3 Exossation: Deterioration of the spine that often occurs following a wedding ceremony. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) 4. Exerce: Minimal activity logged as a workout: "As I sat in the tub, I got some exerce by fighting the current as the bathwater drained." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Lexicontaminations: Honorable mentions Ebulum: That stuff left on the beach after the tide recedes. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Ebulum: A single particle of ebullience. "His last ebulum disintegrated when the pretty woman replied, 'Yes, I'd love to dance -- do you know anyone?' " (Michael Reinemer, Annandale) Ebulum: Oatmeal that dribbles back out of a baby's mouth. (Michael Anderson, Billings, Mont.) Echeneis: The spray produced during a sneeze: "His gazpacho-laden echeneis left his date looking like Howdy Doody with the measles." (Roy Ashley, Washington) Eclegme: Decorative but flavorless sauce dribbled around an restaurant entree. "Carl was unimpressed by the colorful eclegme surrounding his skimpy veal cutlet." (Bruce Rusk, Portland, Maine, a First Offender) Ecod: What you wrap in the online Post. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Ecod: Cache of the day. (Mike Gips) Eglatere: A restaurant's euphemism for an omelet that falls on the floor while being flipped. "The cook wiped off the dirt and droppings and sent the eglatere out to Table 3." (Robert Inlow, Charlottesville) Eglatere: Special title reserved for the first non-WASP member of a country club. (Jenny Boelter, Boyce, Va., a First Offender) Eglatere: The French name for Easter Island. (Marie Baumann, Arlington, a First Offender) Elatcha: An emotion that reporters feel when they gotcha. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Emunge: The stuff that collects between the keys of your computer. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Endship: A callipygian alliance. When Louie leaned over to toss the Vichy water, Rick noticed that this could be the start of a beautiful endship. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Endship: An iceberg. (Lawrence O'Connor, Arlington, a First Offender; Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Endship: Bogus camaraderie offered by someone who's dumping you. "We can still have an endship." (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Exerce: Hang out, but not work out, at the gym. "Patty loved her new exerce clothes." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Exossation: The tedium of playing 27 games of tic-tac-toe with your first-grader. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville; Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark; and both John O'Byrne and John Stephenson of Dublin, who called it Noughts and Crosses) Festino: A zit that appears on the end of one's nose at 6 p.m. on prom night. (Bob Reichenbach, Middletown, Del.) Fibutor: The part of a Toyota engine, under the distributor cap, designed to obfuscate any errors in the electronic engine codes. (Peter Metrinko) Fibutor: Someone who lies about giving at the office. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Fistic: The residue left on your hand after reaching in to unjam your garbage disposal. (Peter Ostrander, Rockville) Galion: A particularly aggressive cougar. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Galion: A little understood, highly charged particle that quickly flips from positive to negative without warning. (Cathy Lamaze, North Potomac) Gemew: A jewel recovered two days after being swallowed. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Gemew: What the cheerleaders shout at George Mason. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.; Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Governail: A fastener used to hold a politician's feet to the fire. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Hicket: A dense growth of rural necessities: "Surrounded by Bud's Boot & Gun Emporium, A-1 Bail Bonds and a Waffle House, Thad realized too late he had driven straight into a hicket." (Mark Gardiner, Faulkner, Md., just near those motels on Route 301) Next Week: Can't goods, or Swill in the blanks ====================================================================== WEEK 863, published April 3, 2010 Week 863: It's post time Tiny Woods x Pleasant Prince = Tiger's Cub Scout Dublin x Odysseus = Bloomsday Alcindor x Bravo Whiskey = Abdul-TheBar One of our oldest and most ridiculously popular contests: Below is a list of 100 of the almost 400 horses eligible for this year's Triple Crown races. This week: "Breed" any two of them and name the "foal," as in the examples above. Your personal stable of entries cannot exceed 25. As in real life, the names cannot be longer than 18 characters, including spaces and symbols. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a pretty little build-your-own Stonehenge kit that produces a monument way smaller than Spinal Tap size. If you have a large hand, you could set it up in your palm. Donated by Russell Beland as a sacrifice to the Gods of The Style Invitational. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 12. Put "Week 863" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Derby Day, May 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. The list of horses is taken from the full one at BloodHorse.com. A Little Warm Ace of Aces Alcindor Ashore Aspire Awesome Act Backtalk Beethoven Biloxi Black Snowflake Blind Luck Boisterous Bravo Whiskey Bulls and Bears Call Shot Canthavehim Catch Twenty Two Chief Counsel Clear Alternative Close to the Edge Colonel Mustard Conveyance Crisp D' Funnybone Deep Darkness Delong Road Discreetly Mine Down With Dixie Drive Home Dryfly Dublin Enclosure Endorsement Excessive Passion Extraextraordinary Fenway Faithful First Dude Get a Grip Guys Reward Hear Ye Hear Ye Homeboykris Ice Box In the Paint Interactif Johore Kollege Launch N Relaunch Leaving New York Lethal Combination Liquidity Event Lookin at Lucky Make History Make Music for Me Marble Arch Marching Tune Moojab Mr. Saturdaynight Nacho Friend Nextdoorneighbor No Shenanigans Noah's Dream Odysseus One Nation Overcommunication Party at My Place Pleasant Prince Preamble Privilaged Prizefighting Psychic Income Radiohead Raging Wit Rule Saw Perfection Scuba Diver She Be Wild Shrimp Dancer Silenced So Elite Spangled Star Spicer Stay Put Super Saver Switch The Director The Program Thousand Excuses Tiny Woods Toboggan Slide Trackman Twirling Candy Utopian Walking the Beach Who's Up Winaholic Winslow Homer Worldly Worth a Buck Wow Wow Wow Ziggy's Stardust Report from Week 859, in which we asked you to tell us jokes in any of four given forms: "If they can ___, why can't they ___?"; "You can ___, but you can't ___"; "It's not the ___, it's the ___"; or "If you ___, they will ___." The winner of the Inker If they can train puppies to use the newspaper, why can't they train yuppies to use the newspaper? (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 2. the winner of the Loser key chain custom-made in Thailand: You can rest in a courtroom, but you can't court in a restroom. -- L. Craig (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) 3. You can love your fellow man in Virginia, but you can't send out invitations. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) 4.If they can create a thin, pocket-size, touch-screen-enabled e-mailer/Internet browser/game machine/organizer/cellphone, why can't they create a cancel button in an elevator? (Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv) But they couldn't: Honorable mentions IF THEY CAN put a man on the moon, WHY CAN'T THEY put a man on the moon? (Bruce Alter, on vacation in Port St. Lucie, Fla.) If they can make a microwave oven, why can't they make a microwave chiller? (I want a cold one NOW!) (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) If they can reenact Civil War battles, why can't they reenact witch dunkings? Oh, and the witches should wear flimsy T-shirts. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) If they can create plastics that won't break down in a landfill for centuries, why can't they use them to make a garden hose that lasts more than two summers? (Russell Beland, Fairfax) If they can have Winter Olympics curling, why can't they have Summer Olympics shuffleboard? (Jeff Contompasis) If they can tell me I didn't need to dial 1 for a call to a different area code, why can't they just ignore the freaking 1 and put through the freaking call? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put a man on "The View"? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) If they can make a phone that lets you look up movie times and buy tickets, why can't they automatically silence the phone during the movie? (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) If they can call the theory of evolution a fallacy by finding a single unexplained fact, why can't they do the same for religion? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) YOU CAN turn words like "calendar" and "friend" into verbs, BUT YOU CAN'T illiterate me into doing it. (Russell Beland) You can put your best foot forward, but you can't get anywhere unless you also put your worst foot forward. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) You can win the Nobel Peace Prize without doing anything, but you can't win the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes without entering. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) You can live by the Bible, but you can't die by the Bible, unless it's maybe it's one of those big Gutenberg Bibles with the metal clasps. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) You can pet your mate, but you can't mate your pet. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) You can call it a tea party, but you can't drink anything but Kool-Aid. (Larry Yungk) You can avoid contradictions, but you can't avoid contradictions. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) You can take my committee chair, videotape me smoking a crack pipe, give me a field sobriety test after a traffic stop and censure me for awarding a city contract to my girlfriend, but you can't take my dignity. -- M.B., Washington (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) IT'S NOT the subtle feeling of rejection, IT'S the mace. (Barry Koch) It's not the heat, it's the high water content in the atmosphere that elevates the vapor pressure to the extent that evaporative cooling is ineffective. Also, you should take your hand out of the toaster oven. (Tim Livengood, Columbia, whose only previous ink was another geeky entry in 2003) It's not the view of Russia from Alaska, it's the . . . well, everything else. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) IF YOU leave me now, and take away the biggest part of me, THEY WILL probably ask you what you're going to do with my butt. (Randy Lee, Burke) If you walk out of a bathroom with Nutella all over your fingers, they will not get the joke. Even when you lick it off. Trust me on this. (Kevin Dopart) If you text your entry while trying to drive, th (Kevin Dopart) And Last: It's not the number of entries you submit to the Empress, it's the submission to the Empress in your entries. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo., who includes an embarrassingly bad suck-up poem to the Empress with his entries every freaking week) Next Week: Ten, anyone? or The X Games ====================================================================== WEEK 864, published April 10, 2010 The Style Invitational Week 864: One-word spoonerisms Bootlicker > Lootbicker: To argue in Congress over who gets the earmarks. Whappersnipper: Someone who assaults a mohel. Lugachug: To carry a cooler full of beer. There's a lot of fun to be had with spoonerisms, those sometimes accidental, sometimes intentional transposing of parts of two words in a phrase -- an old Invitational contest for them produced such classics as a Buddha figurine described as "a placid face about a flaccid place." Loser Peter Metrinko suggests a twist on the form: This week: "Spoonerize" a single word or a name by transposing the beginnings of different syllables in the word, and define the resultant new term, as in Peter's examples above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a tube of genuine Splat brand chili-flavor Russian toothpaste, brought directly from Moscow by Very Sporadic Loser Dean Meservy. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 19. Put "Week 864" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published May 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Russell Beland. The spoonerism from Week 124 was by Matt Westbrook of Baltimore. Report from Week 860, in which we asked for wry "Devil's Dictionary"-type entries -- of exactly 10 words -- that might be added to the new site www.tenwordwiki.com: Hyphenated compounds count as single words. The winner of the Inker Historical revisionism: Now the past has been torched by a new generation. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) 2.the winner of the DVD documentary about Mike the Headless Chicken: La Leche League: Front organization dedicated to promoting the kindness of human milk. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3. Elin Nordegren: Had Tiger by the tail. Now has a different grip. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) 4.Thesaurus: Language reference to help people find exactly the wrong word. (Ron Averyt, Severn) Worth 1% of a picture: Honorable mentions Advice: Opinions sought to confirm the correctness of our bad ideas. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Amnesia: A mental condition that, for all you know, you've experienced. (Russell Beland) Gilbert Arenas: Unable to handle LeBron James, he equipped himself for Jesse. (William Bradford, Washington) The Argument Sketch: Funniest Monty Python skit ever. It isn't. Yes it is. (Kevin Dopart) Marion Barry: Ever since "Bitch set me up," he's been falling down. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Jack Bauer: Complete verbal repertoire: "Chloe!," "Dammit!" and "We have no choice!" (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Glenn Beck: He's a walking aneurysm looking for a brain to attack. (Cy Gardner) "The Cat in the Hat": Creepy intruder whips out Thing when kids' mother is away. (Kevin Dopart) China: Mean country that won't let America keep adorable Chinese pandas. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Credit card: Loans for people who find subprime mortgages much too conservative. (Sam Bruce, New York) Cupidity: Refusing to buy one's significant other a Valentine's Day gift. (Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif.) Charles Darwin: Victorian scientific genius whose radical theory inspired Republican health-care policy. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Facebook: For stalking people who had previously managed to elude you. (Craig Dykstra) Mark Foley: Former Realtor, congressman eyeballed enough pages to be editor, too. (Dion Black, Washington) Global warming: A leftist plot to destroy Americans' God-given right to destroy. (Marc Naimark, Paris) Al Gore: An inconvenient truth: The globe didn't all warm to him. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Rudy Giuliani: "Everybody's Mayor" -- that is, until he became nobody's presidential candidate. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Sean Hannity: So far to the right, there's nothing left of him. (Darren Chamblee, Frederick, a First Offender) "In closing": Oratorical flourish meaning "I will now speak 15 more minutes." (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Karaoke: The spectacle of people standing up and defacing the music. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Monogamy: The custom of having a single spouse at a time. (Chris Doyle) Muffin top: Flesh brimming over pants' waistband: Aptly named for its source. (Dion Black) Barack Obama: Candidate of Hope and Change, president of Bait and Switch. (Cy Gardner) Barack Obama: He wasn't born in Kenya -- or in a manger, either. (Peter Metrinko) Opportunity cost: The price of paving materials for the road not taken. (Phil Frankenfeld) Pantyhose: Stockings that are fine for walking, but better at running. (LuAnn Bishop, West Haven, Conn.) Passover: The week when cardboard with cream cheese is a delicacy. (Ed Gordon, Austin) Patient: Able to sit stoically for hours in doctors' waiting rooms. (Chris Doyle) Political career: Period between first election victory and revelation of sordid affair. (Harry Farkas, Columbus, Ohio) Rubenesque: Polite word for someone 10 pounds heavier than you are. (Kevin Dopart) Secret: Something you must share, but you don't expect others to. (Russell Beland) Tequila: Leading cause of "Hey, y'all -- watch this!" in 11 states. (Craig Dykstra) The White House: Impressive residence: Spacious rooms, rose garden (security system needs work). (Beverley Sharp, Washington) And Last: The Empress: Grandiose, snooty, enormous, ancient and daunting hotel in British Columbia. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Next Week: It's incumbent upon us, or The old bill game ====================================================================== WEEK 865, published April 17, 2010 Week 865: 'No Googlenopes Left' This column's headline is indeed a Googlenope -- a phrase that produces an announcement of "no results found" when you type it into the universe's biggest search engine since Nero Wolfe. (Or it was at press time.) We did our first Googlenope contest -- the term was coined by two-time Pulitzer Prize-winning poop joke writer Gene Weingarten -- back in 2007, and received thousands of entries. Three years later, the Google universe is exponentially larger. Are there any funny Googlenopes still out there -- or have we reached the end of our 'nope? Of course they're out there. This week: Come up with a humorous Googlenope; you may enclose your phrase in quotation marks (which narrows the search) if it has 10 words or fewer; if that's the case, also include the quotation marks when submitting your entry. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine Pet Rat Gummi Candy, which is like a Gummi Bear except that it is nine inches long, two inches wide and black. And looks disturbingly like a squashed rat. Donated with glee by Loser Melissa Yorks. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets (in a TBA new design!). First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 26. Put "Week 865" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published May 15. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Judy Blanchard; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Report from Week 861, in which we you combined the names of longtime incumbent members of Congress to produce "joint legislation." The Empress slogged through almost 2,000 entries, many of which sounded like the words their authors intended only in the deluded little cocoon-brains of said authors. "Mica-Linder" for "my calendar." "Kingston-King" for "king stinking." And sorry, Mr./Ms. Hundreds of Losers, Rep. John Boehner calls himself "Bayner." (Also, Rep. Obey says "Obie"; Boucher, "Boocher"; Levin, "Levvin"; Goodlatte, "Goodlet"; Inouye, "In-no-way.") The winner of the In ker The Rush-Farr-Olver-Waters-Slaughter-Towns-Kaptur-Hastings-Castle-Kildee-King act to commemorate the achievements of William the Conqueror in 1066. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) 2. the winner of the 1976 "Losers" comic book: The Shelby-Filner-Skelton bill to allow force-feeding of fashion models. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) 3. The Edwards-Johnson-Kildee-Deal Presidential Qualifications Act (Michael Duffy, Washington, a First Offender) 4. Akaka-Mica-Waters-Brown measure to increase funding for the Blue Plains treatment plant. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) They got the acts: Honorable mentions The Holden-Frank-Olver-Camp-Farr National Parks Culinary Act (Steve Glomb, Alexandria) The Boxer-Shelby-Akaka bill to encourage radical genetic engineering in spaniel breeding. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) The Tanner-Levin Act Establishing Flexible Start Times for Committee Meetings (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) The Dreier-Slaughter CIA appropriations bill to fund bloodless coups. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The Levin-Eshoo Housing Assistance Act for old women with many children. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) The Boxer-Bachus-Brown "Wipe Out Incontinence" Act (Steve Fahey, Kensington) The Watt-Akaka-Deal buyer's remorse act (Jonathan Paul; Rick Haynes, Potomac) The Rush-Farr-Watt Act to institute a national DMV motto. (Kevin Dopart) The Holden-Akaka Troubled Asset Relief Program No. 2 (Larry Gordon, Potomac, whose last ink was in 1994) The Byrd-Hatch-Feingold bill to reduce the deficit by selling shares in a goose said to produce valuable eggs. (Jonathan Paul; Christopher Lamora, Arlington) The Dreier-Inouye Prohibition Prohibition Act (Dana Austin, Falls Church, a First Offender) The Kildee-Levin-Young bill to censure bad animal mothers (Bruce Evans, Arlington) The Eshoo-Boxer Commando Authorization Act (Les Holmes, Silver Spring, a First Offender) The Slaughter-Pelosi Republican Reconciliation Act (Rick Wood, Falls Church) The Watt-Boucher-Kildee-Byrd Market Poultry Origin Identification Act (Anthony Yeznach, Wilsonville, Ore.) The Waters-Stearns bill to require hotels to include bidets. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Rush-Payne Relief Act to provide everyone with a radio mute button. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) The Byrd-Hatch-Cochran-Farr Deadbeat-Father Child Support Act (Ward Kay, Vienna; Dion Black, Washington) The Rangel-Castle-Inhofe bill for equitable division of divorce proceeds. (Craig Dykstra) The Farr-Eshoo-Payne-Buyer-King-Kildee-Deal Bill to allow penalty-free returns of ill-fitting footwear. (Craig Dykstra) The Eshoo-Pastor-Holden-Young-Olver-Kohl-Waters Act to prohibit baptism of infants by river immersion. (Beverley Sharp) The Inouye-Lowey-Leahy Yodeling Appreciation Act (Mae Scanlan, Washington) The Waters-Rush-Pastor-Hatch Act to legalize skinny-dipping. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) The Johnson-Johnson-Levin-Levin-Lewis-Lewis-Smith-Smith-Young-Young Grand Canyon Preservation Act. (Michael Duffy) The Watt-Engel-Eshoo-Holden Urinal Splatter Prevention Act requiring better aim in public restrooms. (Kevin Dopart) The Tanner-Peterson-Waters Act to promote nude sailing. (John Holder, Charlotte) Kildee-Scott-King-Duncan Bill to posthumously indict Macbeth for his actions in Act II. (Craig Dykstra) The Byrd-Inouye resolution honoring the heroism of pilot Chesley Sullenberger. (Mark Eckenwiler) The Kohl-Dorgan bill funding cures for impotence. (Mark Eckenwiler) The Holden-Young-Johnson Act to research the causes of blindness (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Farr-Inouye, the best act that's ever been passed. (Jan Brandstetter, Mechanicsville, Md.) And Last: The Taylor-Akaka resolution recognizing the Empress's editing for style and taste. (Kevin Dopart) Next week: Be cheerful, or Blurb your enthusiasm ====================================================================== WEEK 866, published April 24, 2010 Week 866: Natalie Portmanteau Boy George Gershwin: Composer of "Rhapsody in Lavender." (Tom Witte) Thomas Jefferson Clinton: President who penned the famous line "We hold these half-truths to be legally accurate." (Douglas Riley) Heimlichtenstein: A small country firmly lodged between Austria and Switzerland. (Sandra Hull) This contest, which we did with slight variations in 1998 and 2003, is modeled on the frequent "Jeopardy!" portmanteau category called "Before and After": Begin with a real name; append to it a word, name or expression so that they overlap; and finally define (humorously, of course) the resulting phrase, as in the above examples from the 1998 contest. The spellings don't have to apply accurately to both of the elements; for example, "Mister Rogers and Hammerstein" is fine even though the composer's name is spelled Rodgers. But they must be pronounced the same, and if the spellings are too far off, that's likely to spoil the joke. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this battery-operated SELF-DISPENSING Loser Liquor Dispenser, donated by Loser Christopher Lamora and put into use at the Losers' Holiday Party at the Empress's palace in January. Push a button and the Loser turns his head back and forth to make sure no one is coming, then turns on the tap of the barrel. And you see where that's conveniently located. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets (in a TBA new design!). First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 3. Put "Week 866" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published May 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was sent by both Andrew Hoenig and Jeff Contompasis; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Judy Blanchard. And we present this week in the slide show at the top of this page the newest pair of our lusted-after Loser Magnets for honorable mentions. The slogans, submitted in response to a recent request on the online discussion group The Style Conversational, are by Losers Craig Dykstra ("We Put the Rude in Erudition") and Kevin Dopart ("Mirth Certificate"), and the magnets were of course designed by Bob Staake, who wins a magnet. Report from Week 862: Sometimes it's not enough to be the best: You have to be good, too. And alas, for whatever reason, the contest seeking funny cheers or fight songs for professional and national teams just didn't deliver anything that was truly worthy of a cheap reproduction of "The Thinker" with a bag on its head. Or for that matter, a mug or shirt. However, given their appropriateness to the occasion, and the fact that we want to get rid of them, we award the second prize of the Vancouver Olympics magnet and Flarp Noise Putty to: For any team in Florida: Gooooo . . . say, honey, what's the name of the team we like?(George Smith, Frederick) Pom Scum: Honorable Mentions For the Washington Wizards: (Don't) SHOOT! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Redskins, Redskins, they're our guys! If they can't do it . . . no surprise. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Team Canada: Please forgive us if we beat you. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Baltimore Orioles: Pray for rain! (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.) Team Saudi Arabia: We will, we will stone you! (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Montreal Alouettes: Gimme an Eh! (Josh Borken, Minneapolis) Gimme an L! Gimme another L! [edited for space] Gimme an H! What's that spell? Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch! (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Team Mexico baseball: Give us the runs! (Kevin Dopart) Team North Korea: 2,4,6,8, let us brutally destroy our enemies and bask in the admiration and glory of our Dear Leader, who is great! (Mike Gips, Bethesda) Let's go, Redskins, give a cheer! We just love Coach [add name here]. (Craig Dykstra) Detroit Red Wings: Watch our team control the puck -- the only thing here that doesn't suck. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Ain't no payroll high enough, ain't no scandal low enough, ain't no ego wide enough to keep me from cheerin' for you! Go Yankees! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Hockey's San Jose Sharks: The Sharks will get you, there's no doubt; We'll chew you up and spit you out! (This plan is maybe not so hot: Our teeth are missing -- we forgot.) (Beverley Sharp, Washington) The Boston Red Sox, best with glove Along with wicked ball and bat To this great team, I give my love Straight from the bottom of my heart. * It does too rhyme. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Next week: It's Post time, or Pun for the Roses ====================================================================== WEEK 867, published May 1, 2010 Week 867: Back in the saddle Right on Derby Day, as we bring you the results of our 16th annual foal names contest, it's also time to milk another contest from it for our seventh annual "grandfoals" challenge. Given that we don't have as much space on this page for entries as we used to, we're going to expand the field a bit, as suggested by Horse Name Obsessive Russell Beland, who suggested the grandfoals contest to begin with. This week: "Breed" any two of the "foals" in today's results -- OR one foal with one of the actual horses used in today's entries (either in this column or in the Web-only supplement; this gives you more than 100 names to work with) -- and name the "grandfoal." Once again, the name cannot exceed 18 characters, including spaces, and your entry shouldn't come close to duplicating any of today's results. Once again, we're limiting your personal field to 25 entries. And they will not be single-spaced unless you want the Empress to give up on them. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a large yellow terry-cloth bath duck-motif mat that (we think unintentionally) looks like either a squashed bath toy or a baby bird rolled on by a tractor. Donated by the ducky Denise Sudell of Washington as the non-Loser price of admission to the Losers' holiday party. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 10. Put "Week 867" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published May 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions subheads are by Christopher Lamora (below) and John O'Byrne (the Web supplement). Report from Week 863: Our perennially popular contest to "breed" any two names on a list of 100 thoroughbreds eligible for this year's Triple Crown races and to name the "foal" (even though virtually all the horses are male). Upon reading the almost 3,000 entries to this contest from 349 people -- good thing we put in that limit of 25 entries per person -- the Empress realized with a certain dismay that only 2,700 or so were not very clever, funny or distinctive. So to give the Losers their virtual due, and to amuse the readers who'd like to puzzle out even more of these names, she has posted a supplement of more honorable mentions. The winner of the Inker Worth a Buck x Switch = Susan Be Anthony (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) 2. the winner of the itty-bitty Stonehenge model: Preamble x Kollege = Us the People (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) 3.Shrimp Dancer x Crisp = Fried Astaire (Cy Gardner, Arlington) 4. D' Funnybone x Lethal Combination = MansLaughter (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) The Losers' Circle: Honorable Mentions Alcindor x Switch = Kareem of the Crop (Jan Brandstetter, Mechanicsville, Md.) Wow Wow Wow x Prizefighting = Ow Ow Ow (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) First Dude x Stay Put = Impalin (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Nextdoorneighbor x Biloxi = Near Miss. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Beethoven x Lethal Combination = OD to Joy (Steve Price, New York) Call Shot x Odysseus = Trojan HORSE (*John Winant, Arlington) Chief Counsel x Super Saver = Clearance Darrow (Cy Gardner) Chief Counsel x Excessive Passion = Law and Ardor (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) Dublin x Liquidity Event = You're A-Peein' (*Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) Colonel Mustard x Liquidity Event = Dijon the Baptist (Kurt Stahl, Frederick) Enclosure x Overcommunication = Pen & Teller (Ellen Hill, Rockville) Endorsement x Enclosure = Okay Corral (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Russell Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Excessive Passion x Close to the Edge = Lust Horizon (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Fenway Faithful x Ice Box = Ted's Head (Mike Hammer, Arlington; Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) First Dude x Switch = The Twig Lebowski (*Sharon Disque, Frederick) Backtalk x Deep Darkness = Lip Styx (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria) Make Music for Me x She Be Wild = My Feral Lady (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Tiny Woods x Make Music for Me = Copse on the Beat (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Tiny Woods x Scuba Diver = Tiger in Your Tank (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Johore x Worth a Buck = Jo Mama (M.C. Dornan, Scottsdale, Ariz.) Odysseus x Liquidity Event = Penelope Pitstop (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Overcommunication x Marching Tune = 2Much in Formation (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Preamble x Walking the Beach = Constitutional (*Christopher Jones, Vienna) Call Shot x Odysseus = The Babe's Homer (Roy Ashley, Washington) Privilaged x Kollege = Misspelt Youth (John Murphy, Herndon) Prizefighting x Chief Counsel = Boxers and Briefs (Kathy Hardis Fraeman) Prizefighting x Raging Wit = Joke LaMotta (Larry Yungk, Arlington; Kathy Hardis Fraeman) Radiohead x Nacho Friend = Marconi and Cheese (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Saw Perfection x Canthavehim = She Settled for Me (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Silenced x Black Snowflake = Unspeakable Filth (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Stay Put x Beethoven = Don't Roll Over (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Noah's Dream x She Be Wild = Land Ho (*Jennifer Birsa, Glenwood, Md.) Spangled Star x Ashore = Francis Scott Quay (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Twirling Candy x Nacho Friend = La Dolce Velveeta (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) *A First Offender Next week: Oonerspisms, or Switchcraft Coming up on the outside: More honorable-mention foal names from Style Invitational Week 863 Saturday, May 1, 2010; As clever as each of these combinations of "parents" is in itself, it's especially fun to see how a single horse name can be "bred" to a series of others to produce a set of variations on a theme. So take a look at the Empress's comments on the results of Week 863 in the online discussion group The Style Conversational, and you can see a six puns on "We the People," a half-dozen on "Ode to Joy," and even a string of entries that all happened to feature the word "copse." -- The E Note: Both the real horse names and the "foal" names -- but not two real names -- may be combined for the Week 867 contest. Alcindor x Backtalk = Lew's Lips (Peter Ostrander, Rockville) Aspire x Fenway Faithful = Hope Diamond (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Backtalk x Wow Wow Wow = woW woW woW (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn; Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va., a First Offender) Blind Luck x Saw Perfection = Braille Centerfold (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Down With Dixie x Interactif = Soixante-Neuf (Harvey Smith, McLean) Beethoven x Chief Counsel = Take the Fifth (John Winant, Arlington; Beryl Benderly, Washington) Beethoven x A Little Warm = Moonlight Arsonata (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) Beethoven x Get a Grip = Ode to Joystick (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Biloxi x Boisterous = MississippiBurping (Dave Zarrow, Reston) Bravo Whiskey x Thousand Excuses = Jack Denials (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Bulls and Bears x Black Snowflake = Second Sooty (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Catch Twenty Two x Marching Tune = Conundrumming (Jeremy Levin, Washington, a First Offender) Colonel Mustard x Liquidity Event = In de John (David McCreedy, Alexandria) Dryfly x Down With Dixie = YKKK (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Dublin x In the Paint = Eire Jordan (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Endorse x Overcommunication = Ad Infinitum (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Excessive Passion x Endorsement = Zeal of Approval (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Get a Grip x Pleasant Prince = SqueezeTheCharming (Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif.; Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Homeboykris x Switch = Jorgensen (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Homeboykris x Leaving New York = Giuliani's Dream (Dion Black, Washington) Ice Box x Stay Put = Iglue (Kurt Stahl, Frederick) Ice Box x Pleasant Prince = Frigid Heir (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.; May Jampathom, Oakhusrt, N.J.; Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich) Ice Box x Tiny Woods = Shiver Me Timbers (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) Make Music for Me x Overcommunication = Lady BlahBlah (Judy Blanchard) Marching Tune x Bravo Whiskey = John Philip Souse (Steve Price, New York; J.B. Richardson, Falls Church; Mike Gips, Bethesda) Mr. Saturdaynight x Liquidity Event = Milton Boil (Steve Price) Odysseus x Excessive Passion = Broke the Trojans (Mark Eckenwiler) Overcommunication x Prizefighting = Chatterbox (Elizabeth Wesman, Hendersonville, N.C., a First Offender) Overcommunication x Stay Put = Biden Time (Larry Yungk) Prizefighting x Biloxi = Hit and Miss. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) Psychic Income x Extraextraordinary = Medium Rare (Christopher Lamora) Radiohead x Drive Home = OK Commuter (Malcolm Fleschner; Kurt Stahl; Trevor Kerr) Scuba Diver x Ice Box = Lloyd Fridges (Russell Beland, Fairfax) She Be Wild x Nacho Friend = Wenchilada (Mae Scanlan) Shrimp Dancer x Down With Dixie = Pee-wee Sherman (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Super Saver x Bulls and Bears = Outlet Maul (Kurt Stahl) Super Saver x Nacho Friend = Good Buy, Mr Chips (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Kathy Hardis Fraeman) Utopian x Excessive Passion = Paradise Lust (Chris Doyle) Walkin' the Beach x Crisp = SPF-ffffft! (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 868, published May 8, 2010 Week 868: Let us count the ways On Facebook recently, the poetically inclined Loser Brendan Beary mused that he "heard '99 Luftballons' for the first time in about 20 years or so. Of course I wonder how many Luftballons that would be today, if they were adjusted for inflation." The more pragmatically inclined Loser Peter Metrinko read his post and thought: Style Invitational contest. This week: Give us some musings of a technical wonk. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a book called "Pun Enchanted Evenings," which was sent to the Empress in hopes that she would publicize it. Okay! Among the "746 original word plays" that will "make you laugh out loud -- guaranteed": "What would you call an illness you get every six months? Sicklical." "What would you call a washroom on Mount St. Helens when it's erupting? A lava-tory!" Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 17. Put "Week 868" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published June 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Phil Frankenfeld; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Loser on board: In the slideshow at the top right of this page is a photo of Uberloser Russell Beland's car, defaced (at least temporarily) with some of the hundreds of Loser bumper stickers and magnets he's won over the years. Surely he'll be driving it to Saturday's Flushies, the Losers' annual awards luncheon, in College Park. Report From Week 864, in which we asked you to take the concept of a spoonerism and apply it to a single word or a name to create a new term. The little hitch was that we didn't define very well what a spoonerism was -- we basically said that you had to move some letters around -- and so we resolved to be flexible in what we allowed, in keeping with the primary Style Invitational dictum of It Has to Be Funny. The winner of the Inker Inpocchio: Imprisonment for lying. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) 2. winner of the genuine Splat brand Russian toothpaste in chili flavor: Thirber: Someone who makes up a story about the secret life of another person. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) 3. Karping: "You'll never fit in that space, Harold. You're too close to the curb, Harold!" (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) 4. Scorohope: Believing you'll get lucky because of your sign. (Chris Lopez, Reston, a First Offender) Hashed dopes: Honorable mentions Carsophagus: A hearse. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Merthometer: Something to let you know how much fun you're having. (Arthur Gardner, Brookfield, Wis., a First Offender; Mae Scanlan, Washington) Revizon: A cable company whose rates increase every month. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) Cardhore: A serious shopaholic. (Craig Dykstra) Irefarms: Rural militia camps. (Chris Doyle) Moca: The new anti-caffeinated drink from Starbucks. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Golyplot: Oh gosh, I bet those those jabbering foreigners are conspiring against us! (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Copmuter: A radar detector. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Spacerhype: A NASA press release. (Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario, a First Offender) Batty-Batty-Ching-Ching: Michelle Bachmann's fundraising strategy. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Limitiaman: A gun control advocate. (Chris Doyle) Beenytopper: A yarmulke with Justin Bieber's picture on it. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman) Bellyjeans: Your pants on Easter Monday. (Craig Dykstra) Retromail: An even slower way to move things around D.C. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) Wishdasher: A husband who dines, then reclines. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Doomy's: Bearish Wall Street ratings service. "The Dow is falling! The Dow is falling!" (Chris Doyle) Cop porn: Blue movies. (Ann Martin) Spintripe: A corporate spokesman. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Nagivator: A GPS that tells you where to go in that special tone of voice. (Richard Gilliam, Hyattsville, a First Offender) Cureaubrat: An administrator at a reform school. (John O'Byrne, on vacation in Budapest) Phedopile: What the public has gotten from the Vatican. (Anne Kinney, Charlottesville, a First Offender) Notechlogist: A guy who still cuts trees with an ax. (John English, Falls Church, a First Offender) Fedecate: To drop another load of unfunded congressional mandates. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Gamazine: A publication devoted to shapely legs. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Lasoon: Where cowboys go to tie one on. (Jeff Contompasis) Lootfights: Broadway contract negotiations. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Medocrat: a liberal with big health-care ideas. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn. ) Misday: The realization that you're never going to get to that morning meeting after last night's bender. (Ward Kay, Vienna) Varioli: Pasta stuffed with leftovers. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Nemisary: Where Inspector Javert, Lex Luthor and Dumbledore went to college. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) Porculent: Same as the original. (Tim Livengood, Columbia) Poreflay: What goes on in a Swedish sauna. (Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand) Quipspeak: Kids say the darnedest things. (Chris Doyle; William Bradford, Washington) Rattmess: Why you should never sleep at a one-star motel. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman) Staypub: To drink away the few bucks left of your wages after taxes. (Ernie Staples, Burtonsville) Tealmime: Someone gesturing wildly for Heimlich assistance. (Kevin Dopart) Veepish: Unhappy at accepting second billing. (Lois Douthitt) Wee fray: A mild case of road rage. (Craig Dykstra) Ramathon: A five-hour demolition derby. (Tom Witte) Yarnbard: Aesop. (Craig Dykstra) Next week: "No Googlenopes left," or Nyetscape ====================================================================== WEEK 869, published May 15, 2010 Week 869: We give the crossword you give the clues STAX: The patron saint of lumberjacks. It's time for our backward crossword, this time courtesy of master constructor Paula Gamache. The words are already in the grid (click on the slideshow at right): Send us funny, clever clues for any of them. The clues don't have to be as brief as real clues, but they can't be really long. Please say which word the clue is for; don't just write "36 Down." See the results of our last crossword contest by clicking here. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. For second place -- in the theme of our previous "Nunchuck" catapult gun -- Russell Beland has donated the Baby Shower, which shoots out inch-long infants of various colors. The package does remind the consumer that "real babies should never be catapulted or thrown," along with the standard disclaimer that this product is not suitable for children under 3 years. So if you have a child 3 or older who'd like to shoot a baby . . . Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 24. Put "Week 869" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published June 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was sent by both Chris Doyle and Tom Witte; Tom also wrote this week's honorable-mentions subhead. Report from Week 865, in which we sought yet more Googlenopes -- phrases that still yielded that "no results found" icon when you offer them to the Universe's Biggest Search Engine. Once again, some of the thousands of 'Nopes submitted were just convenient misspellings of names. For all the results below -- which were still unique at press time -- the phrases were entered within quotation marks. Capitalization didn't matter in the searches. Several entrants noted to the Empress that they were more amazed by the phrases that did produce a few hits, such as "National Beet Day" (discovered by Tom Kreitzberg) or "the wisdom of Tom Cruise" (noted by Russell Beland). These have been called Googleyups, and yes, we'll have to get to them. (We have already done Googlewhacks, in which there is exactly one hit.) The winner of the Inker Both "Nobody understands me like my husband" and "Nobody understands me like my wife" (Mark Richardson, Washington) 2. the winner of the nine-inch-long black gummi rat: "I was persuaded by the picket sign" (Dan Steinberg, Silver Spring) 3. "President Obama wigs" (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) 4. "I lost lots of weight by eating better and exercising" (Sheri Tardio, Prince Frederick) None: The Less -- Honorable mentions "Lady Gaga wore a modest" . . . (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) "Muhammad Halloween masks" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "I always lift the toilet seat for my husband" (David Thorne, Washington, a First Offender) "Now I understand all of 'Lost' " (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) "He's so spacey his brain farts cause global warming" (Roy Ashley, Washington) "We've decided to name our baby Eyjafjallajökull" (Dan Gordon, Arlington) "The Vatican reversed its policy on" . . . (Dan Ramish, Washington) "How to style your hair like Rod Blagojevich" (Steve Offutt, Arlington) "Hiking the Appalachian Trail with your wife" (Steve Offutt) "Find me an Amway dealer" (Russell Beland, Fairfax) "The GOP leadership sought a compromise" (Anne Paris, Arlington) "The Yiddish word for 'splurge' " (Rick Haynes, Potomac) "I wish Bush were still in the White House" (Dan Ramish) "They filled the pothole right away" (Ben Aronin, Arlington) "Our priest is celibate" (Kevin Dopart) "My ex-husband is an angel" (Kathy Bacskay, Lorton, a First Offender) "Brief remarks by the House speaker" (Jeff Contompasis) "I was outraged by that 'Family Circus' cartoon" (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Herndon) "If wishes were horses, birthday parties would reek." (Rachel A. Bernhardt, Silver Spring) "employed in Novi, Mich." (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) "Kitty Kelley's balanced portrayal of" . . . (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) "The Manischewitz's refined bouquet" (Mike Gips, Bethesda) "French spam recipes" (Craig Dykstra) "beloved Redskins kicker" (Ward Kay, Vienna) "tattoos your mom will love" (Judy Blanchard) "Scranton getaway vacations" (Kevin Dopart) "I don't know, so I'll say nothing." (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) "unwanted strip of bacon" (Russell Beland) "My cat really cares about me" (Dan Klein, McLean) "the world's second-largest microbrewery" (Russell Beland) "Facebook: A better mousetrap" (Ben Aronin) "the best of the feel-good Russian novels" (Michael Woods, Arlington) "Three animals were harmed in the making of this movie" (Russell Beland) "The Amish Justin Timberlake" (Craig Dykstra) "I laughed at The Style Invitational" (Kevin Dopart) Next week: Natalie Portmanteau, or Overlappellations ====================================================================== WEEK 870, published May 22, 2010 Week 870: 'Jeopardy!' with Googlenopes -- "Avoid these potty training missteps" (Drew Bennett) -- "My condolence card to Bernie Madoff" (Stephen Dudzik) -- "A Luddite visionary" (Dave Zarrow) -- "The ruly and gruntled mob" (Russell Beland) -- "Dick Cheney at his cuddliest" (Phil Frankenfeld) -- "The Westboro Baptist commitment ceremony" (Anne Paris) -- "More awesome than a meal of road-kill possum" (Peter Metrinko) -- "Tildes, umlauts and schwas" (Craig Dykstra) -- "Tattoos your mom will love" (Judy Blanchard) -- "E. coli puns" (Mark Richardson) -- "Larry King workout DVD" (Chris Doyle) Last week we posted dozens of Googlenopes -- phrases that yielded that "no results found" icon when you Googled them. The Empress is renowned for refusing to waste anything but time, and so we now venture back into the entry pool to use some other G'nopes as "answers" in our perennial "Jeopardy"-type contest. This week: Describe any of the above phrases in the form of a question. Direct from Hawaii, a really rockin' Obama dashboard doll -- in Hawaiian garb (plus maybe the nuclear football hanging from his belt) but oddly stocky in build, as if he's been gobbling poi. This isn't a bobblehead but a bobbletorso: The whole upper body is on a spring. Brought back for us by Loser Beverley Sharp. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, June 1. Put "Week 870" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published June 19. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Craig Dykstra; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Report From Week 866, in which we asked for two overlapping names, or a name overlapping with another word or expression (the spellings of the overlapping part of the names didn't have to be identical): The winner of the Inker Mike Tyson Chicken: "Mmm, tastes just like ear!" (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) 2. the winner of the battery-operated Loser Liquor Dispenser: Edgar Allan Popeil: Quoth the Raven, "Wait, there's more!" (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) 3. T.S. Eliot Spitzer: He dared. (Seth Tucker, Washington, a First Offender) 4. Harry S. Truman Capote: The sign on his desk says, "Young bucks, stop here!" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Mal-Amalgrams: Honorable Mentions Nicolas Sarkozymandias: "Look on my wife, ye mighty, and despair!" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Brigitte Bardotcom: Early Internet provider of topless pictures. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) William Blake Edwards: Known for the famous poem "Panthyr! Panthyr! Burning Pink." (Lawrence McGuire) Ben Roethlisberger King: C'mon, you know you want it my way. (Mike Gips, Bethesda) Jason Campbell Soup: Freshly canned. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville; Kevin Dopart, Washington) Humphrey Bogart Carney: He often played an underworld figure. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) J. Edgar Hooversace: Designer specializing in men's evening gowns. (Mae Scanlan) Captain Morgan Freeman: Starred in "Driving Miss Daisy to Drink." (Craig Dykstra) Emily Post-Apocalypse: She advises you which of your three new arms you should use to hold the cocktail fork at the Nuclear Winter Ball. (Leighanne Mazure, Forest Hills, N.Y, a First Offender) Sally Field Marshal Goering: The Flying Hun. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) RuPaul Newman: Star of "Cool Hand Lucy." (Roy Ashley, Washington) Babe Ruth Buzzi: Hit 714 home runs with her purse. (Eric Sorensen, Washington, a First Offender) Sugar Ray Leonardo da Vinci: He puts guys down on canvas. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) John Deere John: I've decided our neighbor's grass is greener, so . . . (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Stephen Strasburg, Va.: Where the speed limit is 101 mph (80 on curves). (Eric Sorensen) Chippendale Earnhardt: The dancer with sponsor logos on his G-string. (Pam Sweeney) Weird Al Sharpton: Al Sharpton. (Craig Dykstra) Brooks Robinson Crusoe: Baltimore Oriole who was stranded at third base for 20 years. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Eleanor Holmes Norton AntiVirus: Supposedly there to serve an important purpose, but mostly just slows down the system. (Brendan Beary) Helen Thomas Jefferson: She's worked out of the White House since 1801. (Chris Doyle) Nicorette Butler: Gum-smacking gambler in "Gone With the Winstons." (Chris Doyle) Maya Angelou Ferrigno: Stopped singing and busted outta the damn cage. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) James Joyce Kilmer: Wrote "A Portrait of the Artist as a Sapling." (Marleen May, Rockville) The New Yorkermit the Frog: It isn't easy being smarter than everyone. (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) Norman Chad Ochocinco: Sports columnist/poker announcer who changes his surname each time he remarries. (Pam Sweeney) Betsy Ross Perot: Thirteen stars, thirteen stripes, simple as that. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Cialis in Wonderland: Just swallow it and grow. (John Cogburn, Southlake, Tex.) Lady GaGandhi: One hot Mahatma. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) T.S. Eliot Spitzer: Poet who penned the immortal lines: "In the room the women come and go/That's how you find a high-priced ho." (Anne Paris Hilton, Arlington) Robert the Bruce Springsteen: Born to Rune. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Burt Ward 8: Wholly forgotten and neglected. (Jeff Contompasis) Martha Stewart Smalley: TV personality who's good enough, and smart enough, but gosh darn it, people don't like her. (Seth Tucker) Mr. T Party: "I pity these fools." (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Barney Frankly My Dear: Don't ask. Don't tell. Don't care. (Mike Anderson, Billings, Mont.) Through the Looking-Glass Menagerie: A bread-and-butterfly, a walrus, walking oysters, the March Hare and a unicorn [crash] oops, a horse. (Randy Lee, Burke) Joe Biden His Time: Waiting for a big &*{$181}%ing deal. (Ron Nessen, Bethesda) Mack Sennett Majority Leader Harry Reid: Director of a bunch of clowns. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Lenny Bruce Wayne: What, are you dense? Who the hell do you think he is? He's the &%*@# Batman. (Randy Lee) Janis Ian Fleming: Creator of the famous spy 017. (Peter Metrinko) The Washington Post-it Note: The print newspaper in 2020. (Jeff Loren, Manassas) Next week: Back in the saddle, or Mare-Go-Round ====================================================================== WEEK 871, published May 29, 2010 Week 871: Change one letter in a movie title Taxi Drivel: On the ride in from Dulles to Capitol Hill, the cabbie insists on reciting the entire oeuvre of his poetry. According to some obsessive Losers Who Know Such Things, we've never done this contest before, hard as it is to believe: Jeff Contompasis suggests this variation on The Style Invitational's Best-Known Contest: Change a movie title by one letter (or number, if the title includes a number) and describe the new film. You may add a letter, delete a letter, substitute one for another, or transpose two letters in close proximity. The Empress expects to receive a lot of the same titles, so the cleverness of the description is likely to determine what gets ink. Winner gets, appropriately, a statuette of a naked man, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a T-shirt that rivals even our own Loser T-Shirt for its wha??? factor: It features 29 smiley faces, each topped with a turban depicting the flag of a nation in NATO's International Security Assistance Force, and says "Afghanistan Smiling Faces." They must be the last 29 smiling faces in Afghanistan. Donated by Not Even a Loser Patricia Bartolillo of Bowie, who avows that this is "the oddest T-shirt I've found in a thrift store." Modeled here by Loser Dion Black, who agreed to pose in it at the Losers' recent Flushies award luncheon. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 7. Put "Week 871" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published June 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Roy Ashley. Report from Week 867, in which we had you "breed" two of the inking foal names resulting from the breeding of a list of this year's Triple Crown-eligible horses (or, for the first time, a foal and a "parent"): The Winner of the Inker Make Music for Me x Don't Roll Over = IRA Gershwin (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) 2. winner of the squashed-duck bathroom mat: Alcindor x Francis Scott Quay = Tall,Dark'n'Anthem (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 3. Dijon the Baptist x Bravo Whiskey = Salome on Rye (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 4. You're A-Peein' x Excessive Passion = The Whizzer of Id (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Beyer Beware: Honorable Mentions Biden Time x Liquidity Event = Warm Spit (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Francis Scott Quay x You're A-Peein' = GallantlyStreaming (Harvey Smith, McLean) OK Commuter x Boxers and Briefs = MetroOpensDrawers (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Braille Centerfold x Ow Ow Ow = Ouch, the Staple! (John Winant, Arlington) D' Funnybone x MansLaughter = Locker Room Humer (Roy Ashley, Washington) Boxers and Briefs x Tiger in Your Tank = Calvins and Hobbes (Jennifer Rubio, Vienna) Frigid Heir x Lip Styx = Hell Freezes Ova (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Braille Centerfold x You're A-Peein' = Touch and Go (Jennifer Rubio) Medium Rare x Raging Wit = Chew Chew Twain (Mae Scanlan) Pen & Teller x Giuliani's Dream = Hocus POTUS (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) MississippiBurping x Liquidity Event = Bubba Bath (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Utopian + Kareem of the Crop = Shangri-L.A. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) In de John x Super Saver = Larry Craigslist (Jeremy Levin, Washington) Dublin x In de John = Irish Setter (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) Near Miss. x Noah's Dream = Ark. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Near Miss. x In the Paint = La. Tex (Pam Sweeney) Near Miss. x You're A-Peein' = You're in AL (John Winant) Tiger in Your Tank x Broke the Trojans = Esso-B! (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Ode to Joystick x Preamble = Wii the People (Christopher Lamora; Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Okay Corral x Super Saver = Buy It Earp (Steve Price, New York) Chief Counsel x Good Buy, Mr Chips = Lawyer's Poker (Chris Doyle) Colonel Mustard x Biden Time = Clueless (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) Fenway Faithful x Soixante-Neuf = Doubleheader (Chris Doyle) Unspeakable Filth x Kollege = Dirty Duncing (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) OD to Joy x Joke La Motta = Narc-Narc! (Christopher Lamora) The Babe's Homer x Jorgensen = Ball Is Outta Here (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Unspeakable Filth x Shiver Me Timbers = Vulgar Boatmen (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Stay Put x Don't Roll Over = Think of England (Dan Kinney, Charlottesville; Bill Vanko, Ellicott City; both First Offenders) Shiver Me Timbers x Ow Ow Ow = Long John Sliver (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.; Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) You're A-Peein' x Make Music for Me = Urethra Franklin (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Soixante-Neuf x Don't Roll Over = Quatre-Vingt-Seize (Craig Dykstra; Jeff Contompasis) Susan Be Anthony x Chief Counsel = A Boy Named Sue (Beryl Benderly, Washington) Next Week: Count the Ways, or Nerdplay ====================================================================== WEEK 872, published June 5, 2010 Week 872 Har monikers Agrab: Scramble to answer the phone (Alexander Graham Bell). Geke: Someone who prances around downtown screaming during rainstorms (Gene Kelly). The District's own Kevin Dopart, whose perfect combination of impressive smarts, obsessive persistence and massive geekiness (see this week's results) have helped him become the top-Losing Loser in each of the past four years, suggests another neologism contest based on people's names: Combine the first parts of each word in a famous person's or character's name -- in order -- and define it or use it in a sentence that somehow refers to its source, as in Kevin's own examples above. You must use at least the first letter in each word in the name. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. And for the lucky person who'd never be seen in a Loser T-shirt, second place wins this stylish drop-waist dress designed and created from two T-shirts from early in the Empress's reign (hence the slogan "Under New Mismanagement") by 60-time Loser Barbara Turner of Takoma Park, who models it here. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 14. Put "Week 872" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published July 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Craig Dykstra. Report from Week 868, in which we asked rather unspecifically for nerdy, quantitatively leaning musings: The winner of the Inker Since license plate characters are interpretable in base 36 (for the set of all letters and digits), you can slip expletives past the DMV by converting them to base 10. (Oh 1198393, now I'm 61721544325!) (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2. the winner of the lame-wordplay book "Pun Enchanted Evenings": "Why isn't Santa's workshop always portrayed in darkness in the days before Christmas? Um, winter? High northern latitude? Any of this sinking in?" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) 3. Oh sure, you've got Hitler and Stalin, but when it comes to real extermination, only Cain killed a fourth of the world's total population. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 4.They say that the U.S. president is the most influential person in the world. But based on percentage of annual income, Barack Obama's 2 cents' worth is only 1/30 of a cent compared with your average pole dancer's. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) Geek tragedy: Honorable mentions It's ironic that the lead in "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" was played by Zero Mostel, since the Romans had no numeral to represent zero. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Not only does it take on average 63 percent less time to walk up an escalator than just to stand, but it's also the best way to look up skirts. (Kevin Dopart) Turns out cleanliness isn't really next to godliness, it's next to cleanly. At least it is in my dictionary. (Russell Beland) If you want to give 110 percent, do you have to work 26.4/7.7? (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Few of God's wonders are as inspiring as a waterfall: Ah . . . wide-angle lens, 1/8-second exposure (without a tripod), f-stop, let's see . . . (Mae Scanlan, Washington, photographer of the book "Beautiful America's Washington, D.C.") It's not accurate to talk about global warming, since the Earth's core is really hot already. I always remind people to call it global surface warming. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Well, she said I'd never change. So I pointed out, "Au contraire: I replace body cells at a rate of 200,000 per day, especially intestinal lining cells, which last only five days . . ." (M.C. Dornan, Scottsdale, Ariz.) If pollywolly doodle all day, how long does a monowollus doodle? (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) You know what doesn't make sense about "The Flintstones"? Between work and home, Fred's car reconfigures itself from two- to four-passenger mode. That sort of variable seating would not have been offered back then, even in the New Stone Age. (Jeff Contompasis) The average IQ is 100. The good news is that you are above average. The bad news is that you are frighteningly outnumbered. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Miley Cyrus's "See You Again" begins, "I've got my sights set on you, and I'm ready to aim." But if you have your sights set, you've already aimed. Why didn't anyone explain this to her? (Jeff Contompasis) Curiosity only collapsed the quantum superposition of Schroedinger's cat into a definite state. What killed it was leaving it in a box for a week. (Kevin Dopart) Doughnuts? A doughnut measures of only 0.7 on the Mohs hardness scale: Obviously it should be reclassified as a doughy squishoid. (Martin Bancroft) I'm worried that the gradual shifting of the magnetic pole to the south will mean that Loser magnets will have to be printed upside down. And with the strong magnetic force on Russell Beland's car, will it turn over on its roof? (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.) Next Week: Clue us in, or Retrogrid ====================================================================== WEEK 873, published June 12, 2010 Week 873: Back to square 1A; Fill in a crossword, plus readers' punnish clues 45 Down: POSTA: A newspaper that's sometimes saucy, sometimes cheesy, but almost always filling, especially for the price. Four weeks ago we presented you with a completed grid of a crossword and asked you to come up with novel clues for its words, many of which appear in today's results. While devoting his typical absurd amount of time on that Invite, Craig Dykstra came up with an idea for another contest: The grid that appears today is the same one by Paula Gamache that we printed four weeks ago -- but with most of the boxes shaded in (click grid link for a printable version). This week: Replace the shaded letters in any of the words with your own letters to come up with a different word or phrase -- either an existing word or one you make up -- and define it humorously, as in the example above. It doesn't matter if the grid no longer works as a crossword. Label your word with the grid number it starts with, e.g., "42 Across," or else it gets tossed. Maximum number of entries: 25 -- the Empress needs a break and you, sir or madam, need a life. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a prize that the Empress wishes had come in time for the foal-naming contests: It's one of those novelty key chains with a little rubbery animal (in this case a horse) that you squeeze to make "poop," then unsqueeze to make unpoop. Well, in true Loserly fashion, this horse suffered some injury and is permanently stuck in the poop mode. Donated by the well-contained Loser Drew Bennett. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 21. Put "Week 873" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published July 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. Both the revised title for next week's results and this week's honorable-mentions subhead are by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 869, in which we asked you to come up with novel clues for any of the words in the actual crossword shown here. So many Losers offered a new clue for every freakin' word; however, we lack the freakin' space to show them. Here are the best. Note that some of these clues require you to read the word creatively; for example, the clue for BETE needs to be read as "Bet E." The Winner of the Inker 57 Across: IRONLADY: The ferrous maiden of them all (Dana Austin, Falls Church) 2. winner of the Baby Shower "gun" that shoots out "infants": 1 Down: DODO: One mixed-up DOOD (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) 3. 22A: AETNA: Latin for "we don't cover that" (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) 4. 44D: PRYNNE: She studied male anatomy and got an A (John Winant, Arlington) Downgridded: Honorable mentions 1A: DEADLAST: Either Paul or Ringo (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Good name for an embalming fluid (Phil Battey, Alexandria; Fred Dawson, Beltsville; Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) Short-lived boxing glove brand (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Washington; Judith Cottrill, New York) 15A: ONENINTH: Participant in a ménage à trois à trois (Craig Dykstra) 16A: ARNICA: Painting depicting the economic devastation under Gov. Schwarzenegger (Ben Frey, Frederick) 20A: PIXEL: A fairy dust mite (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) 27A: ISBAD: The administration's Twitter report on the economy (Howard Walderman, Columbia) 32A: AHEM: The difference between a micro-mini and a belt (Kevin Dopart) End of an agnostic's prayer (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Strom Thurmond's answer to "Are you Strom Thurmond?" (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) 33A: SPIRAL: An Agnew-Gore ticket (William Bradford, Washington) 36A: GOFORTHEJUGULAR: Don't let them kid you about your name, Ular -- have another drink (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) 39A: OEO: Elmer Fudd's favowit cookie (many entrants) 41A: BETE: Gamble on the last SAT answer (Kevin Dopart) 42A: BRACELET: Kate Moss's hula hoop. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Baby-tooth straightener (Ann Martin) 48A: ATLAS: Google Earth 0.0 (Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv) 50A: AUTRY: Go for the gold (many entrants) 55A: STONER: The patron saint of work (Tom Panther, Springfield, a First Offender) One who believes the movie "JFK" was nonfiction (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) 57A: IRONLADY: Elin Nordegren (Barry Blechman, Washington, a First Offender) 61A: ANGELA: Farrah, unquestionably (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) 1D: DODO: Aeneas's stupider girlfriend (Ann Martin) 4D: DNA: Abbrev. for "Daddy's now authenticated" (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 5D: LIMPID: Driver's license after it's been through the wash (many entrants) 6D: ANAIS: "And what is the only acceptable grade, young man?" (Craig Dykstra) 7D: STAX: What comes before "T. Spend" in Pelosi's to-do list -- J. Boehner, Ohio (Kevin Dopart) 8D: THREEPIECESUITS: Bikinis for conjoined twins (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.; Vytas V. Vergeer, Washington, a First Offender) 9D: MAT: What Arizona is setting out on the border, embossed with "Unwelcome" (Jim Noble, Lexington Park) 11D: ONMEDS: Fight song for the Mayo Clinic football team (Howard Walderman) 12D: RIBTICKLER: Adam's obstetrician (John O'Byrne, Dublin) 13D: ICANRELATE: Incestuous pickup line (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) 23D: CAMO: For hiding in plane sight (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) 27D with 27A: IAGO-ISBAD: The CliffsNotes of the CliffsNotes for "Othello" (Craig Dykstra) 29D: BEFORELONG: John Silver's prepubescent years (Randy Lee, Burke) 43D: ASANTE: Role of a bra in strip poker (Pam Sweeney) 44D: PRYNNE: Impuritan (Dudley Thompson) 47D: GROPE: Costume for a plus-size stripper (many entrants) 49D: SEAL: Eskimos eat this and blubber -- and so would you (Jim Noble) 53D: IDEO: Converts a hut into a hideout (Jeff Contompasis) 54D: NYSE: Where to get broker (Kevin Dopart) 58D: LOL: What Bill Gates does on the way to the bank (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Next Week: Let's play Nopardy, or One-hit wonderers ====================================================================== WEEK 874, published June 19, 2010 Week 874: Stat us Apple martini Slurpees and some sort of glop that appeared to be muskrat with ziti. Late New Year's resolution: Never accept a dinner invite from Lady Gaga again! For the three of you out there who aren't yet familiar with Facebook: Everyone with a Facebook account can post a "status line" -- basically a short announcement that's broadcast to the person's "friends" who see it on their "news feed." Facebook users often use their status lines to say what they're doing today, what they just did, when they'll be away from home in case any burglars are reading this, etc. But many people also use their status lines for various wry observations and words of (dubious) wisdom: One of the most off-the-wall Facebook pundits is our own Bob Staake, who entertains his 2,442 friends with such pronouncements as "A riding lawnmower: One of 50,000 household items that can't be wrapped in a tortilla -- easily, I mean." Bob is so enamored of Facebook that he offers this week's contest: Write a funny Facebook status line -- anywhere up to 420 characters (or 30 words, to be safe if you don't want to count) but far shorter passages are welcome -- that incorporates at least seven of the 50 words and phrases listed below, as in Bob's example above. You may make the word plural or change its tense, and may also change capitalization. You don't get ink just for fitting in dozens of words on the list; you get ink for being funny and clever. You don't have to use your line as your Facebook status, or even have a Facebook account, but if you do, both the Empress and Bob will be happy to accept your friend request. The words: glop; rash; Lady Gaga; swerve; tapas; BP; ginormous; museum; dental; frisky; wireless; infomercial; asparagus; tuba; goalie; hyperventilate; pineapple; squishy; projectile; dinner; tea bag; harpsichord; Cuisinart; New Yorker cartoon; Metro; muskrat; vacation; Lindsay; strewn; ziti; zit; Secretariat; Tupperware; apple; escalator; trophy; Slurpee; effete; acid-free; parental control; venison; fastball; martini; status; otter; bicuspid; Fenty; anagram; chronic; Santa. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an idiotic little diorama consisting of a cardboard presidential desk at which sits an egg-shaped stone. It is called Prez BaRock. Ho ho! Passed along by Style's Christian Hettinger. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 28. Put "Week 874" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published July 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp; this week's honorable-mentions subhead was sent by both Chris Doyle and Tom Witte. Report from Week 870, in which we printed a list of phrases that were entries for the Week 865 Googlenope contest (i.e., they couldn't be found on Google at the time) and asked you to provide question that the 'nopes might answer: The winner of the Inker A. "Tattoos your mom will love": Q. Daddy, what are you going to get me during your next custody weekend? (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 2. the winner of the Obama bobbletorso: A. "The ruly and gruntled mob" Q. What was the benefit of secondhand smoke at the NORML rally? (Cheryl Davis, Arlington) 3. "Larry King workout DVD": What includes the segments "Pulling Up Your Suspenders," "Tossing Softball Questions" and "Tying the Knot"? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 4. "E. Coli Puns": Which distinguished gentleman escorted Sam and Ella to the Bad Word play? (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Quiz Nos: Honorable Mentions -- "The ruly and gruntled mob": What do they become when you slip Valium into their tea bags? (Russell Beland) How would you describe the crowd reacting to PBS's cancellation of "Bill Moyers' Journal"? (Roy Ashley, Washington) What's the nickname for the Canadian Mafia? (Randy Lee, Burke) -- "Dick Cheney at his cuddliest": What do you call a guy who shoots you in the face? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville; Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) What will the former veep's tombstone say? (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) In terms of warm fuzzies, what ranks between wolverine attack and holistic colonoscopy? (Russell Beland) -- "Tattoos your mom will love": What are your med school diploma and law degree engraved on your biceps? (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) What include "If you can read this, you're too close"? (Larry Flynn, Greenbelt) -- "More awesome than a meal of road-kill possum": What did West Virginia reject as its state motto in favor of "Montani Semper Liberi"? (Pam Sweeney; Kevin Dopart, Washington) What's a meal of road-kill possum with a side of armadillo on the half-shell? (Beverley Sharp, Washington) What was the reaction of Bill Clinton to his first taste of British cuisine at Oxford? (Ira Allen, Bethesda) -- "My condolence card to Bernie Madoff": What's that origami middle finger? (Mark Richardson, Washington) "Adoptive Grandparents' Day!" Come on, is there ANYTHING Hallmark doesn't have a product for? (Russell Beland) -- "A Luddite visionary": Who invented the steam calculator? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) What do the more gracious Apple partisans call Bill Gates? (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) -- "Tildes, umlauts and schwas": What did Victor Borge save for his randier late-night shows? (Leighanne Mazure, Forest Hills, N.Y.) What on the menu tips you off that this might not be a very authentic Chinese restaurant? (Mike Peck, Alexandria) What law firm should you contact if you have been diacritically injured? (Mike Gips, Bethesda) -- "Avoid these potty training missteps": What article advises parents not to teach toddlers the mnemonic "First you sit, then you . . ." (Cheryl Davis) What advice includes not to tell your child, "If you don't give the Poop Monster his pound, he'll come and take it out of you?" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) What did Gov. Schwarzenegger tell his chief of protocol while planning a big gala? (Randy Lee) -- "Larry King workout DVD": What is "Sweating With the Oldie"? (Lawrence McGuire) Where, for once, might you hear Larry King say something that could make someone sweat? (Kevin Dopart) Next Week: Remarquees, or Nutflix ====================================================================== WEEK 875, published June 26, 2010 Week 875: Fail us If it can't fit in the microwave, it's probably too big for a snack anyway. Seriously Overenthusiastic Loser Jeff Contompasis recently showed us a bare-bones Web site called Learn From My Fail, in which people post unedited (i.e., mostly illiterate) little life lessons they gleaned from various stupid things they allegedly did. This week: Give us a funny Learn From My Fail-type lesson, 30 words or fewer, true or not, in your own words or attributed to a famous personage. Unlike those at learnfrommyfail.com (it's up to you whether you actually post it there), yours should NOT be spelled and punctuated as if you had played hooky during all of second, third, fourth and fifth grades. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives "The Art of the Bonsai Potato," a guide to achieving "Zen without the wait" by putting a potato (not included) on a plastic tray (included) and letting the spud sprout artistically. Donated by Loser Since Year 1 Sarah W. Gaymon. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, July 6. Put "Week 875" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published July 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Mark Eckenwiler. Report from Week 871, in which we asked you to change a movie title by one letter (or transpose two nearby letters) and describe the new film. Of the more than 3,000 titles submitted, there were a bunch with funny names but not much to say about them, or were just sent by too many people; these included "Pilates of the Caribbean," "James and the Giant Pesach," "Lice in Wonderland," "Oy Story" and "DoD Gay Afternoon." Lots of people offered "The Princess Bribe": The Sarah Ferguson story. We'll print some more honorable mentions in future weeks, space permitting. If you can't figure out the original name of any of the "remarquees" below, just click on the title. The Winner of the Inker Four Weldings and a Funeral: A man attaches a set of rocket engines to his Chevy and momentarily achieves his dream of driving a flying car. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, a First Offender) 2. the winner of the "Afghanistan Smiling Faces" T-shirt: Golfdinger: Elin Nordegren offers tips on club selection when addressing a difficult lie. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) 3. The Blair Itch Project: Amateur filmmakers realize that before shooting in the woods, they should have learned what poison ivy looks like. (Deborah Gilbert, Rixeyville, Va., a First Offender) 4. Watch Me if You Can: Betty White plays an octogenarian pole dancer. (Judith Cottrill, New York) The Kin of Comedy: Honorable Mentions An American in Parts: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 7. (Gary Crockett) The Best Years of Our Livers: D-Day vets reminisce about their days "training" in British pubs. (Randy Lee, Burke) Bob & Carol & Ted & Lice: Swinging suburbanites get more than they bargained for from sleeping around with the neighbors. (Michael Duffy, Washington) Bore on the Fourth of July: Behind the scenes at the annual concert on the Capitol lawn. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Bleak Fast at Tiffany's: An exposé of anorexia, still starring Audrey Hepburn. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) The Bother From Another Planet: ALF, the Movie. (Todd Carton, Wheaton) The Dork Knight: The adventures of a Renaissance festival groupie. (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Flying Down to Riot: Military commandos high-tail it to a Central American country for a fun weekend of overthrowing the government. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) The 400 Blobs: A schoolful of obese children take revenge on Michelle Obama. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria) C.G.I. Jane: In James Cameron's remake, Demi Moore still has a shaved head but now she's 10 feet tall and blue. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) The Hurt Licker: A child suffers embarrassment when his mom does far more than merely kiss his boo-boo. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) It's a Wonderful File: An angel shows Daniel Ellsberg that we'd still be fighting in Vietnam if he hadn't released the Pentagon Papers. (Judy Kramer, Alexandria, a First Offender) Married to the OMB: Peter Orszag needs a vacation. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Once Is Now Enough: The Viagra generation faces the sad truth. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Liar Lair: The history of the U.S. Capitol. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Mr. MyGoo: An executive's extreme nearsightedness leads to one disaster after another. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Moonstuck: An impudent teenager meets his match when he tangles with automatic car window. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 10 Dalmatians: Cruella wins. (Craig Dykstra) Return of the Secaucus Semen: A New Jersey sperm donor attempts to track down his many progeny. (Jeff Loren, Manassas) Norma Rat: A busybody spoils a good thing for textile factory management. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) The Molar Express: A boy and his friends take a magical train trip to visit the Tooth Fairy. (Marbury Wethered, Greenbelt) Cents of a Woman: The story of the courageous souls who solved women's inequality by putting Susan B. Anthony and Sacagawea on some coins nobody uses. (Nick Dyen, Harrisonburg, Va., a First Offender) The Sixth Tense: "I will have been seeing dead people." (Christopher Jones, Vienna) Slamdog Millionaire: The Michael Vick saga. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Sooth Pacific: "Verily, whenas there be a dame, fain would there be nought like it." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Uh: Old guy ties balloons to his house but can't remember why. (John Winant, Arlington) Gall-E: The Jim Nabors story. (Michael Duffy) And last: Midnight Empress: The sad moral tale of a poop-joke columnist who forsakes family and friends for her career. (Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand) Next Week: Har monikers, or Funny, init? ====================================================================== WEEK 876, published July 3, 2010 Week 876: Oilies but Goodies To the tune of "Under the Sea," sung by a shrimp: They say there'll be no fish slaughter, that they'll make my home pristine. But how can they clean the water when they can't keep their restrooms clean? -- from the Capitol Steps' "Under BP," by Richard Paul This week: Write lyrics somehow related to the oil spill, set to an existing tune. We almost always print more songs on washingtonpost.com than we have room for in the print paper; on the Web, we can include a link to the melody, but the ones we publish in the Style section have to be set to very well known tunes. Winner gets the Inker, the Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a very neat roll of packing tape that is clear except for the continuous column of human vertebrae running down the middle. And this is . . . This Is Spinal Tape. Donated by Loser Jeff Contompasis, who once gave us a device that turned a hot dog into an octopus. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 12. Put "Week 876" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published July 31. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Craig Dykstra; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Report from Week 872, in which you were asked to combine the beginnings of someone's first and last names to create a new, pertinent term. Numerous Losers came up with "Algo: The former veep's last words to Tipper," "Jelo: One who jiggles in the right places" (Jennifer Lopez) and "Sico: Someone who derives a perverse satisfaction in humiliating others" (Simon Cowell). The winner of the Inker TiWo: that new technology that allows you to replay your life without embarrassing moments (Tiger Woods). (Cliff Kellogg, a First Offender) 2. the dress custom-made from two Loser T-shirts: Marvosa: A disorder in which someone continually describes himself as a genius despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary (Marilyn Vos Savant). (Dion Black, Washington) 3. Jacam: A new moviemaking device that does away with the need for actors (James Cameron). (John O'Byrne, Dublin) 4.Charkra: An esoteric concept of rightness in some Eastern sects, considered a key on the path to true smugness (Charles Krauthammer). (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Deeper Cleavage: Honorable Mentions Adrif: where many politicians find themselves after their political honeymoon ends (Adrian Fenty). (Cliff Kellogg) Levistra: A brand of high-rise jeans (Levi Strauss). (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Helth: A state of outliving your common sense (Helen Thomas). (Ward Kay, Vienna) CaCl: Smelling salts (Cassius Clay). (Alba Frias, Silver Spring, a First Offender) Rumur: What counts as news on Fox News (Rupert Murdoch). (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) Scowel: A jaded individual who doesn't like much of anything (Simon Cowell). (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Drec: The lowest form of comedy (Drew Carey). (Jacki Moonves, North Hollywood, Calif.) Nadcoma: A painful balance beam injury (Nadia Comaneci). (Randy Lee, Burke) Ala-mo: Something that was once deemed important, but now seems mostly forgettable (Alanis Morrisette). (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Vlaput: What you'll be if you irritate the Russian government enough. "After writing about Chechen separatists, the journalists mysteriously went vlaput" (Vladimir Putin). (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Barmani: The not-so-chic suits worn by tacky piano players. (Barry Manilow) (Ron Jackson, Chevy Chase) Riminix: Pest company specializing in leaving bugs (Richard Milhous Nixon). (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Geospat: A territorial squabble among generals who are all supposedly on the same side (George S. Patton). (Brendan Beary) Hevi: Loaded down with wives (Henry VIII). (Christopher Jones, Vienna) Rongo: The opposite of the right place at the right time (Ron Goldman). (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village; Randy Lee) Wammo: A stroke of genius (Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart). (Tom Witte) BP-Otter: Peter Rabbit's very sick friend (Beatrix Potter). (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Joeb: Someone the White House suffers (Joe Biden). (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Jen-lope: Distinctive walk of the ample-bootied (Jennifer Lopez). (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Rosper: To be rich but unelectable (Ross Perot). (Jim Reagan, Herndon) Mahmah: The grating cry of the Iranian cuckoo (Mahmoud Ahmadinejad). (Judith Cottrill, New York) Dollpart: A body feature that is disproportionately sized, e.g. Barbie's chest (Dolly Parton). (Craig Dykstra) Charma: A dangerous man with an inexplicable charisma (Charles Manson). (Doug Frank) Dorp: A girl who needs glasses (Dorothy Parker). (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Bao: To accept praise graciously for something you haven't accomplished but hope to someday (Barack Obama). (Steve Glomb, Alexandria) Emur: A bird that used to fly spectacularly high but now tends to just lay eggs (Eddie Murphy). (Dion Black) Neging: Acting as the Party of No (Newt Gingrich). (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) J-La: Someone with a really nice butt, especially for someone who's 95 years old (Jack LaLanne). (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Christ-hit: A diatribe against religion (Christopher Hitchens). (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Lobob: A style of cut that involves removal of the head (Lorena Bobbitt). (Mark Barbour, Fairfax, a First Offender) Merrilly: How Wall Street spends bailout money (Merrill Lynch). (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Johmon: A food item made with slices of bread and some kind of filling inside (John Montagu, fourth Earl of Sandwich). (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) And last: Rubel: The approximate worth of several hundred Loser magnets on the black market (Russell Beland). (Laurie Brink) Next Week: Back to Square 1A, or Boxing Match ====================================================================== WEEK 877, published July 10, 2010 Week 877: Quipped from the headlines So "subjects," not "citizens," flowed from Tom's pen -- I guess that's still shorter than "fat rich white men." Hardly anyone has time anymore -- or at least the inclination -- to read long newspaper stories. Gone are the days of leisurely discursions about The Meaning of It All. Now it's about telling The Meaning of It All right up front, preferably getting in a lot of keywords that the automated "bots" of the Google and Yahoo search engines will notice. We're not asking for the keywords, but we do demand the Soul of Wit (along with said wit). This week: Write a rhyming couplet about some matter in the news, as in the example above from 50-time Loser Anne Paris of Arlington, who suggested this contest way back in the days of Balloon Boy. Winner gets the Inker, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an actual pretty good book called "Are You a Miserable Old Bastard?," a collection of curmudgeonly witty quotes, donated by the pre-curmudgeonly Loser Tom Witte. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 19. Put "Week 877" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Aug. 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Craig Dykstra. Report from Week 873, in which we presented a filled-in crossword puzzle grid, minus a few letters from each word. You got to fill in the letters for any of the words yourselves -- forming either an existing word or phrase or one you coined -- and provide a funny definition. The week's most frequently submitted entry was 44 Across: "Mightier than the sword." Oh gosh, you naughty people, you. The winner of the Inker 36A: GO FOR THE REGULAR: Rallying cry of the mediocre. (Cathy Lamaze, North Potomac) 2. winner of the pooping-horse key chain stuck in poop position: 36A: GO FOR IT MS SALAHI: Michaele's morning mirror mantra. (Randy Lee, Burke) 3. 20A: NIXED: What happened to that 18 minutes of tape. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 4.27A: GONAD: A cheer for Octomom. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) Clues but no cigar: Honorable Mentions 1A: DREDLUST: How Stella got her groove back. (Christopher Lamora) 1A: DONTLUST: What it took a clubbing to teach Tiger. (Steve Gorman, Falls Church) 1A: DADALUST: Being hot for MoMA. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich) 17A: PORNBEAR: Genital Ben. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 19A: SSA: Another gusher needing to be capped. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) 20A: FIXED: What Viagra does. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) 20A: NIXTY: Age at which you started saying no when you used to say yes. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 30A: OVULATTE: Breeding grounds. (Beverley Sharp) 30A: OVALCUBE: Symbolic White House downsizing. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 36A: GO FORTH AND DRILL: Energy policy of the religious right. (Stu Solomon, Chapel Hill, N.C.) 40A: MINCES: Tiny critters slaughtered to make pies at Christmastime. (Jeff Contompasis) 42A: BRANEMEN: The guys who belong to Densa. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) 50A: APTLY: How Tom sought temp. housing. (Jeff Contompasis) 59A: JINTAO: Who's Hu in China? (Chris Doyle) 59A: BUN TAX: Airline surcharge for large-seated passengers. (Pat Kanz, Ocean Pines, Md.) 59A: MANTAG: That ritual athletes have of slapping each other on the butt. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) 61A: AGYNDA: The platform of NOW. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) 62A: STOMPTOE: A basic step in the ox trot. (Chris Doyle) 1D: DOTE: Poison. (Jeff Contompasis) 7D: SHOX: With "Aw," what the student said after "Don't tase me, bro." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) 8D: THRASH MY BIG ZITS: The new in-your-face name for Clearasil. (Howard Walderman) 19D: LEARIER: Newly wary about your children's motives when they suck up to you. (Christopher Lamora) 21D: BEERDED: Foamy around the mouth after too big a swig. (Brendan Williamson, Richmond, a First Offender) 21D: MERRIER: How the widow felt after taking off her corset. (Beverley Sharp) 25D: FLAWS: Anti-profanity ordinances. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) 27D: YUGO: What doesn't happen much in your Serbian car. (Ed Gordon, Austin) 28D: THOU BUTT UG: Quaker trash talk. (Howard Walderman) 30D: OBLIVIA: Country whose national flower is the forget-me. (Christopher Lamora) 43D: ASPOTS: What they found on Cleopatra. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) 43D: ASSETS: Where the pain hits when the investments tank. (Dan Gordon, Arlington) 44D: PRYOFF: Not the cap you want on your bottle of heart medicine. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Next week: Stat us, or Defacebook More honorable mentions from Week 871, in which we asked you to change a movie title by adding, deleting or changing one letter, or transposing two nearby ones: Apocalypso Now: Napalm come and me wan' go home. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A la Tar: An ingenious Cajun chef saves Grandma's restaurant by adapting seafood recipes to new conditions and calling it Nouvoil Cuisine. (Cy Gardner, Arlington, Va.) A Beautiful Hind: The J-Lo story. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Ben-Hurl: A vomitory attendant at the Circus Maximus dreams of becoming a charioteer. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) A Rug's Life: A vain man discovers that his new toupee (voiced by Gilbert Gottfried) has an in-your-face personality of its own. (Will Cramer, Herndon, Va.) Hamadeus: Phil Silvers is driven to insane jealousy by the effortless genius of Jerry Lewis. (Michael Fransella, Arlington) The Food: The Bad and the Ugly: An Army training film. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) It's a Wonderful Lift: How the Wonderbra is reshaping America. (Seth Tucker, Washington) Lorenzo's Moil: Unable to find a competent rabbi, a family attempts the bris on its own. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Raiders of the Lost Mark: South Carolina state police, the National Guard and the national press corps search the entire Appalachian Trail looking for Gov. Sanford. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) A Night to Demember: Lorena Bobbitt reminisces about life with John. (Seth Tucker) O Brothel Where Art Thou?: Three prison escapees on an urgent quest. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The Seventh Seat: A knight plays musical chairs with Death. (Carla Haus, Chevy Chase, Md., a First Offender) Silence of the Iambs: A poet struggles desperately with writer's block. (Sheri Tardio, Prince Frederick, Md.) Headline by Roy Ashley, Washington ====================================================================== WEEK 878, published July 17, 2010 Week 878: Safety in blunders Making the country more secure (not) Require all suitcases to be see-through. Indeed, there are lots of bad people out there who want to get us. And indeed, there are lots of bad ideas about how to prevent them from doing it. This week: Tell us a way to make the nation more secure, as in the sensible suggestion above by Loser Peter Metrinko, who proposed this contest. Note: While we love pointed political humor, we are looking for jokes, not screedy rants, and especially not racist rants. They are not funny and we like funny. Winner gets the Inker, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this handsome 12-by-15-inch signthat will designate your home, office, latrine, etc., as a Loser-friendly site. Donated by Occasional Loser Thad Humphries of Way Out There in Rural Virginia. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 26. Put "Week 878" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Aug. 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Dave Prevar; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Report from Week 874, in which we asked to compose Facebook "status lines" that included at least seven words and phrases from a list of 50 we supplied. You'll notice that some entries have as much to do with anyone's "status" as most of the lines do on the actual Facebook. The words: glop; rash; Lady Gaga; swerve; tapas; BP; ginormous; museum; dental; frisky; wireless; infomercial; asparagus; tuba; goalie; hyperventilate; pineapple; squishy; projectile; dinner; tea bag; harpsichord; Cuisinart; New Yorker cartoon; Metro; muskrat; vacation; Lindsay; strewn; ziti; zit; Secretariat; Tupperware; apple; escalator; trophy; Slurpee; effete; acid-free; parental control; venison; fastball; martini; status; otter; bicuspid; Fenty; anagram; chronic; Santa. The winner of the Inker Stopping to hyperventilate on my climb up the "escalator" -- Metro-speak for "metal stair museum" -- now in its chronic status: on vacation. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C., formerly of Rockville) 2. the winner of "Prez BaRock," basically a rock sitting at a little Oval Office desk: D.C. has more chronic problems than a Metro escalator, but as long as Congress exerts parental control on the District, Mayor Fenty is less likely to succeed than a hockey goalie trying to get dental insurance. (Ward Kay, Vienna) 3. W00T! Got Bluetooth wireless implanted in my bicuspid today. No more effete "Lt. Uhura" museum pieces or chronic ear infections for me! Weird -- a call came in and my mouth just went all squishy. The batteries in this thing are acid-free, right? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) 4. Which one of the following is NOT a euphemism? (1) "bacon-wrapped asparagus"; (2) "burped her Tupperware"; (3) "bottomless slurpee"; (4) "the goalie's out of the crease"; (5) "made a tuba player hyperventilate"; or (6) "bypassed her parental controls"? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Weakened updates: Honorable mentions At dinner, my date showed me her New Yorker cartoon contest entry: Her effete punch line was that the anagram of "a pineapple" is "an apple pie." My Facebook status remains "single and looking." (Ward Kay) Contracted a ginormous case of "BP rash" on vacation. "Down south" is strewn with oily, squishy zits. (Jeff Contompasis) Mayor Fenty (when he's not on vacation) wants us to believe he's a chronic Santa, with his largess strewn all over the metro area. What a bunch of asparagus. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) My teenager is on vacation at the beach, out of parental control. Am I worried that, like a zit-covered fastball, he'll make a beeline to some wild party serving martini slurpees to 14-year-olds? Nah. The beach house has wireless -- he'll spend the whole time IM'ing his friends how he knows we're at home hyperventilating over him. (Russ Taylor, Vienna) I hear that Rep. Joe Barton plans a dinner to present BP with a ginormous conservation trophy for its success in protecting otters and muskrats from the oily glop it spilled into the Gulf of Mexico. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Hey, this morning I'm 10 years acid-free! And I feel great. Except for a little hyperventilating when the ginormous harpsichord-playing otter comes over for martinis. And I wouldn't even mind that, if he could play something other than Lady Gaga. (Russ Taylor) You can put the "apple" in "pineapple," you can put the "zit" in "ziti," you can even put the "BP" in "bicuspid" -- but try to put the "F" in "way" and they'll tell you there's no "F" in "way." And when I saw this status contest, I said that too. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Can anyone help a zit-faced tuba player with a chronic body rash get a trophy wife who looks like Lindsay Lohan? The case of "Hung Like Secretariat" lotion I bought didn't work out. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) An idea for a New Yorker cartoon: It's Christmas vacation, and an effete pair are out to dinner, stirring their martinis with asparagus stalks. One says, "By the way, I've been seeing Santa." The other asks wryly, "Oh? Claus or Barbara?" (Dudley Thompson) There are ways to improve your manly status during your beach vacation. You could put a squishy apple or a relatively calm otter down the front of your Speedo, but even better would be strewing a BP executive trophy head or two along the shore. (Kevin Dopart) Health status update: Just back from doctor: Had to remove a projectile from my mouth; extensive dental work needed. Note to self: Do not trash-talk Strasburg's fastball -- missing two bicuspids, lookin' like the Caps' goalie! Santa, all I want for Christmas is two front teeth. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Next week: Fail us, or Duh things we do ====================================================================== WEEK 879, published July 24, 2010 Week 879: Say Venn: Make a clever Venn diagram; and readers 'learn from my fail' It's time for a little graphic humor. This week: Express some sentiment in the form of a Venn diagram, as in the ones here by graphic artist Frank Chimero, a.k.a. Frank Sparrow. It can have two or three circles; any more and we'd have trouble making it readable in print. You don't have to draw the diagram; just give us the text and we'll take care of the artwork (e.g., "First circle . . . Second, smaller circle . . . Very small intersecting area between the first and second . . ."). If you do want to create your own graphic, enclose it as an attachment and make sure we can reach you at your e-mail address. And spell correctly. Note: Your techno-purists will likely point out that the examples above are pointing out commonalities while not really overlapping; we might not be overly rigorous on logic this week either. Winner gets the Inker, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a little bag of "Shark Poo" from Naples, Fla.; some "Seagull Poop" from nearby Fort Myers (both donated by Beverley Sharp); and a sack of "Bear Poop" from Estes Park, Colo., courtesy of Melissa Yorks. They are all evidently pieces of chocolate. We'll call this triple prize a scat trick -- or a pu-pu-pu platter. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 26. Put "Week 879" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Aug. 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was sent by both Tom Witte and Kevin Dopart; Kevin also wrote this week's honorable-mentions subhead. Report from Week 875, in which we asked for real or fictional "Learn From My Fail" life lessons in 30 words or fewer. Unless the Loser -- this week, we mean that in both the uppercase and lowercase senses -- insisted that the fail actually happened, we assume that nobody would be that dumb. The winner of the Inker If you and your best friend decide to get matching tattoos, don't go first. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) 2. the winner of "The Art of the Bonsai Potato": Even if the traffic reporter on the radio says "backup on the Beltway," it's best not to do it. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 3. Ask questions -- don't answer them. -- H. Thomas, Washington (Kevin d'Eustachio, Beltsville) 4. A bank teller won't fall for "I come from the future where guns are invisible" when you try to rob her. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Passing fails : Honorable mentions Slipping your finger in through the leg hole is not best way to check a diaper. (Andy Wolodkin, Frostburg, Md., a First Offender) Don't hire plumbers to do wiring. -- R. Nixon (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Don't pack last year's summer clothes and expect that they haven't shrunk in the past 12 months. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Besides love, you might need a bodyguard. -- J. Lennon, No Heaven (Randy Lee, Burke) Bowling your age is apparently nothing to brag about. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Never marry into a family who thinks your name is "Him." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) If you step on something while going down a staircase in the dark and begin to fall, well, it would have been better not to do that. (Andy Wolodkin) Always take the deep breath before putting the blow gun to your lips. (Russell Beland) Home repair Web sites suggest you put Cheerios in your toilet to show whether a clog has been cleared. They should have also said that undigested Cheerios are better for this. (Dion Black, Washington) Dropping a bug into a bottle of liquor doesn't make it taste "just like tequila." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Dudes in a Liverpool pub tend not to agree that soccer players are a bunch of sissies who could never play real, American football. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Priests don't think it's funny if you do a spit take at communion. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The five-second rule does not apply to hypodermic needles. (Jon Graft, Centreville) The first shot of water coming out of that hose that's been lying in the sun in all day will not cool down Mom. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) After eight hours of playing tennis, toss a coin. -- Nicolas Mahut, France (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Don't get too attached to your horse. -- Catherine the Great (Beverley Sharp) While duct tape will work for any job, it's not the first choice for birth control. (Russell Beland) If you release doves at your wedding, cover the cake. (Beverley Sharp) There are better Twitter names than CrazedSexPoodle. -- A. Gore (John Cogburn, Southlake, Tex.) Before you drench the odd and shy new girl with a bucket of pig's blood, check the newspapers from the last town she lived in. (Stephen Dudzik) If you want to get printed in a contest like this, you have to make sure that you stick to the rules and limit your entry to thirty words or. (Russell Beland) And actual Fails They Learned From: Dialing 1-800-724-2400 will result not in the message "Welcome to M&T Bank," but rather "Welcome to 1-888-FREESEX." (Katherine Stinson, Chevy Chase, a First Offender) Do not tie your Christmas tree to the top of your car and go through the car wash. Although the deluxe hot wax does keep the needles on. (Ann Walker Smalley, Apple Valley, Minn., a First Offender) During Easter services, if your child is playing connect-the-dots with the hymnal, resist the temptation to shout "No!" because the priest may have just asked, "Do you reject Satan?" (Jeff Contompasis) Don't dye your hair while your toddlers are home with you, unless the color you're looking for is Cheetos. (Jennifer Fleming, Severna Park, a First Offender) Next week: Oilies but Goodies, or Rhythm & Ooze ====================================================================== WEEK 880, published July 31, 2010 Week 880: Our most famous neologism contest, and the winning oil spill song parodies Sitcoma: Typical weeknight TV fare. Though the Empress announces close to a dozen neologism contests every year, it's this contest -- which we first did in 1998 -- that's still Fw:'d around the Web more than any other Invite (more often than not with the totally inaccurate title of "Mensa Invitational"): This week: Start with a real word or multi-word term or name that begins with Q, R or S; add one letter, subtract one letter, replace one letter with another, or transpose two adjacent letters; and define the new word, as in the example above from Week 512 in 2003 by John O'Byrne of Dublin, who has been entering the Invite virtually every week since 2000. Note that it's the original word, not the result, that must start with one of those letters. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an Inflatable Tongue, a rubber thing that looks like a tongue if you hang it out of your mouth, at least until you blow into it, at which point it looks like tongue bubble gum, but isn't. Donated by the genuinely tongued Dave Prevar. And we'll also throw in a bottle of Lady Anti Monkey Butt powder, also from Dave. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 9. Put "Week 880" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Aug. 28. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was sent by Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Craig Dykstra. Report from Week 876, in which we sought song parodies with lyrics about the oil spill. Despite the grim subject matter -- or perhaps because it inspired them to action (by the submission deadline, the spill had not been capped) -- the Loser community submitted more than 300 songs, a lot of them with many verses. And not surprisingly, the humor this week isn't as hee-hee as some Invite results are; think of it as editorial-cartoon funny rather than comic-strip-gag funny. The songs used as sources spanned a huge variety of popular genres; the 11 songs Chris Doyle submitted ranged from Fred Astaire to country crooner Marty Robbins to "Tik Tok" by rap star Kesha. In the print version of this column, we run some of the winning songs as excerpts from the full versions posted here. Note that each parody here is preceded by a link you can click on to hear the original song. The winners of the Inkers: Online, we present two Inker winners: The second was omitted from the print edition not because it wasn't fabulous -- it is -- but because it wouldn't work at a shorter length, and because not so many people remember Pat Boone songs from 1962. A. To "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend"(start clip at 0:24) A rig in the gulf may be quite detrimental, But oil is a car's best friend; And now, in July, we have come to repent all Of the harm that's done Procuring crude for everyone. We are spoiled by being "oiled," And accept lousy means to an end, For Mondays through Sundays we must have our Hyundais, Oil is a car's best friend. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) B. To "Love Letters In the Sand" At this time every day, Since tourists are away, We write large letters in the sand. How it helps sustain our mood To take these clumps of crude And write large letters in the sand. Vacant hotels From Port St. Joe to Mobile Mean staff have time, And slime, To spell how they feel. So from each boardwalk you'll see A bold "F. U. BP" Writ in large letters in the sand. (B.P. Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 2, winner of the roll of vertebrae-motif packing tape, This Is Spinal Tape: To "One" from "A Chorus Line": Tons! Spilling every hour, About 8,000 tons a day. Tons! Inverted oil shower, Who liked fish anyway? One "boom" and suddenly oceans are full of goo. But hey, they might stop the leak in a year or two! Tons! Chasing off the tourists, Covering the shores with guck. Louisiana's out of luck again! Ohhhh . . . BP! What were you guys doing? Oh, gee! The leak just keeps on spewing Tons and tons! (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) 3, To "Blue Bayou" (Sung by oil executives to federal inspectors) Cash and crayfish, it's our treat, Football games, a real great seat. You will learn your life is so sweet When we buy you. Take your girlfriend for a meal. Take this brand-new fishing reel. Just take care that you never reveal What we buy you.(Chorus) We'll get it back someday, You'll repay what we buy you. You'll just look away, Come what may when we buy you. When the fishing boats no longer float Because of you and me, With the gunk and goop on your neighbor's sloop, How sad you will be. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) Other Runners-Up The first of these ran in the paper because it was not only clever but short, and set to a tune everyone knows. Each of the following deserves a Loser Mug or Loser T-shirt as well. A. To "Do-Re-Mi" (Sung by a BP executive) Dough, the only green we see, Ray of hope fades on the spill. "Me," our mantra at BP, Fa and near we're gonna drill. So what if that slick's not gone? LA, the folks there watch it grow. Tee it up and just move on! Time for us to make more dough. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) B. To "The Wayward Wind" The Hayward spin is a feckless spin, A reckless spin that makes us wonder, Is Tony hexed and wearing thin On a public vexed by his feckless spin? Racing fancy yachts owned by Brits and Scots Speaks to a deep malaise, And the TV crews and the nightly news Feature displays of his wayward ways. The Hayward spin is a feckless spin A reckless spin that makes us ponder, Will Tony show enough chagrin And eat some crow for his feckless spin? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) C. To "Beyond the Sea" Somewhere, beneath the sea It's there, bubbling free. That viscous glop they just can't stop Heads straight to the shore while we're flailin'. Out there, you'll hear BP Declare, "Why can't you see? Drilling out here is fraught with fear, So would you now please Stop that wailin' ." And though the spill still grows, It's moved off the front page. Once more, short interest span Wins out over righteous rage. Someday, we'll clean that shore To look just like before. Happy we'll be -- so will BP, But not so the sea: Its health's ailin'. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) D. To "I've Got You Under My Skin" I've got goo under my skin, I've got goo in the feathers and heart of me. No effort you chart will impart a restart of me: I've got goo under my skin. I've got goo, my chances are thin. I said to myself: What on earth have the dumb humans done? And why can't they power their world By harnessing wind and sun? I've got goo under my skin. They sacrificed all of our coastal lode For the sake of driving their cars In spite of the obvious peril Of spills by the barrel, And the dark, irreversible scars. Don't you know, stupid fools, There are much better ways. Oil's swan song, it is sung -- It is now Gusherdammerung. So let's all go green -- it is just so obscene That a whole new age didn't begin. Now we've got goo under our skin. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Oozing to the top: Honorable mentions To the "Addams Family" theme: It's seeping and it's soupy, It's greasy and it's goopy, The ocean smells like poopy: the oil from BP. From down where you can't see it, The oil pipe has splee-it, And now we're in deep [poopy], The oil from BP. Slick. . . . Thick. . . . . . . . . . I'm sick. So when you're on vacation, No need to hit the station For engine lubrication -- Free oil from BP! (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) To "Baby Driver" "So sorry that we caused a disruption." "We care about small folks like you." "The gulf is big, next to our drilling rig." "We want to get our lives back, too, Yes, we do." We call this BP Drivel, prime fodder for the late-night crew, Hit your yacht, and you're gone, no more onus, Your conscience doesn't bother you. And we forgot -- what's your bonus? Oh, what's a CEO to do? (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) Hymn of the BP Cleanup Corps, to the Marines' Hymn When you need more than a Roomba On the shores now slippery, We combat the public outcry, Cleaning birds on land and sea. We will fight with booms and skimmers, We'll head oil off at the pass. Then perhaps Barack will spare us When he starts to "kick some ass." (Dion Black, Washington) To "Wouldn't It Be Loverly" (Sung by Gov. Bobby Jindal) All I want is a thousand more Engineers on the berms offshore Obama's Army Corps, Now shouldn't they be shoveling? Lots of dredgers to get them built, Lots of soil soaking oil that's spilt. More sand, more land, more silt, Now shouldn't they be shoveling? So far government's sitting abso-bloomin'-lutely still, They might never budge till oil Seeps into each stream and rill. Feds have said nesting birds are key, Fish and Wildlife won't hear my plea. Obama's stiffing me. I shouldn't be here groveling! (Chris Doyle) To Mame" BP, we've got a present for you: blame! Your explanations really are too . . . lame! You had that platform humming And sucking up the crude to beat the band, But now that oil is coming And coating all the shores of Dixieland. The MMS could not have been more ... tame! And now PR will never clear your ... name! You came, you drilled, you blew up, And absolutely nothing is the same. BP was once sensational, But now it's recreational: You're a Style Invitational game! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) To "The Whiffenpoof Song" From the tables down at Brennan's to the bar at Galatoire's, To the dear New Orleans dives we love so well; BP's top execs dissemble with our glasses raised on high, And the bull that we are slinging casts a smell. Yes, the bull that we are slinging re: the spill out in the Gulf Sets a record low for chutzpah and deceit; We will celebrate our profits, while oil (and greed!) shall last, Then (you bet!) we're gonna beat a quick retreat. We're poor little Brits who have lost our crude (blah, blah, blah...) And now, even worse, we're about to be sued (blah, blah, blah.). Think of our barrels of liquid gold, Wasted on wetlands (and birds, I'm told); We'll blame YOU should our company fold -- ha, ha, ha. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) To "Summertime" Drilling time, and forget the Big Easy. Fish are jumping, swimming far from the spill. Oh, Big Papa's rich and the shrimp are all greasy, So hush, little baby -- drill, baby, drill. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) To "Be Our Guest" See our mess! See our mess! How to clean it? Take a guess. Tie this mask over your nose and mouth (The fumes tend to oppress). The top kill, sealing cap, Those ideas were just pure crap. See this black stuff, it's pernicious -- Don't believe me? Ask the fishes. . . . (Dion Black, Washington) To "The Coffee Song": Where shark and shrimp should frolic Newsmen now are hyperbolic 'Cause the cleanup's a Katrina-slow-standstill. The gulf's awash with BP's gushing oil spill. Way down in Lou'siana Tar balls threaten daily manna. And Barack had better stock up on fish oil 'Cause, bless his heart, the Gulf's all oil -- and he's the foil. No fish and no tourist rooms, The birds all have oily plumes, Making PETA when they meet all shout out, "Oh, no, no!" With millions pledged the pols who Gripe in D.C.'s hallowed halls, spew Party sideswipes -- or kowtow to big BP -- We need a planet-loving honest referee! (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) To "Old Cape Cod": If you're fond of tar balls and stinky air, Boom made of pantyhose filled with hair, You're sure to fall in love with our Gulf Coast. If you like the sheen of an oily slick, If washing pelicans is just your shtick. You're sure to fall in love with our Gulf Coast. Chefs who love to make your fav'rite dish Serve you hydrocarbon-blackened fish While celebrities like Kevin C. Try to fix the mess made by BP. If you wear a wetsuit, then you can dunk In balmy waters that are full of gunk, And then you'll fall in love with our Gulf Coast. (Jane Pacelli, Annandale) To "Pure Imagination" Come with me to the sea, Note the gulf's recarbonification And BP won't provide any decent explanation. Listen in, it's a sin, Hear them spin their gross miscalculation While they dodge any guilt implication. Can't control the spew, paralyzed -- Don't know why we let them do it Palin wants to misconstrue it: Urged to drill ahead, but these guys blew it. There is no way to know How this ends with this administration. My advice: Waive the fee And just take over BP. (Eric Murphy, Washington) To "The Battle of New Orleans" Well, back in April, we had a little blip -- We had a tiny fire and our rig began to drip. We fired the preventer, but it didn't work for beans And we spilled a little oil near the town of New Orleans. We fired our junk, but the oil kept a'comin' -- The oil flow was faster than we'd said a while ago. We lowered our dome, but it didn't help the plumbin', And now the mess is rippin' through the Gulf of Mexico. Obama said he was taken by surprise -- He'd thought that we were competent by lookin' in our eyes. He'd taken all our money in the presidential race, And when we said the well was lost, you shoulda seen his face! Well, it ran through the bayous and it ran through wetlands. It went through the fauna like the Reaper's evil hoe. It flowed so fast that the booms couldn't catch it, And now the mess is ruining the Gulf of Mexico. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) Excerpts from three "Beverly Hillbillies" parodies Let me tell you a story about a man named Tony, A rich CEO whose apologies seem phony, But in one short day his portfolio was screwed When up through the Gulf come a river of crude ... (Gary Crockett) Well the first thing you know, BP has gotta spin. "That leak ain't nothin,' " said a dapper Englishmin. Said all the beaches should evict all the media As they killed every fish in the encyclopedia. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Well, the first thing you know, Tony's still a millionaire, And the GOP said, "Eh, we don't really care!" They said, " 'Snot for us to make you pay for what you wrought," So he loaded up his things and he sailed off on his yacht. (Bad PR, that is! A wayward Hayward! Oh, well...) (Laurie Brink) [In Missouri they rhyme "wrought" and "yacht."] To "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" When oil spilled at Prudhoe Bay in 1989, Our scientists at Exxon forged a tanker redesign. This structural refinement's unlike any ever seen, A brand-new green technology to keep the oceans clean. Supertanker metallurgy: let's be braggadocious! There's a tiger in the tank that's gentle, not ferocious, If we shout it loud enough, it won't be thought atrocious. Supertanker metallurgy: let's be braggadocious! When PR men use softer sells and try to play it nice, The business always suffers and will pay a stiffer price. Let's tout our safety record in our ads and on TV So Exxon gets due credit while the public blames BP! (Chorus) (Chris Doyle) To the "Rawhide" theme: Keep drillin', drillin', drillin', Watch those coffers fillin', Set concerns with spillin' aside! Don't need no supervision Of our mile-deep incision. Our stock just keeps on risin' like the tide! BP's calculator Says profits will be greater If we just let the safety rules slide. (Gary Crockett) To "Fugue for Tinhorns" from "Guys and Dolls" "We've got the boats right here To clean this oily smear; (It seems our rig malfunctioned a bit, I fear.) Can do! Can do!" BP says their boats can do. Though they say their boats can do, ain't true; ain't true. (Beverley Sharp) To "Food, Glorious Food" from "Oliver!" Crude, oily crude -- we're eager to tap it. Crude, oily crude -- dadblast it, let's cap it! Black gold coats the pelicans with shiny patina. Makes Nawlins more smelly than Old Katrina! Crude, oily crude-- it may be immodest, But cash spent on BP won't fund a jihadist. So just keep on pumping gas, While gulf states get screwed By crude, barrels of crude, pouring-out crude, valuable crude, oily crude! (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) To "Fun Fun Fun" Well, they cut a few corners and they wound up with a big oil spill now, So the feds called them out and they told them that they won't let them drill now, And a summer vacation on the Gulf just isn't a thrill now 'Cause there's no fun, fun, fun till BP takes the oil away. (Todd Carton, Wheaton) To "Come Together" Here come ol' black-top It come oozin' up slowly Bringing juju-eyeballed fish with oily coatin'. It put gunk down below the seas, Gonna bring some slickness to the Florida keys. Gummed together right now, by BP. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) To "That's Life" (Sung by BP's Tony Hayward) My life, just gotta get it back. That leak is being handled, So cut me some bloody slack. I said I'm sorry, but I'll change that song: Once I get in the courts, where I can do no wrong. I want my life, get that president off my back. And those grotty little congressmen with their Yankee yakety-yak. But I shan't let it, let it get me down. As long as those SUV wheels keep spinning around. I've been a yachtsman, a statesman, a witness and witless, Eaten prawns with the queen. I've gotten over and up and uppityest And recall one thing: Each time I fall right down, flat on my bum, I land on a pile of money and there's more where that came from. My life, I just can't deny it. If I ever want for anything, I quite easily could buy it. Now you small people have had enough of my precious time. I'm going to sail off on my posh yacht, leaving you a big trail . . . Of slime. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) To "More" More than the cartel pumps from desert sands, More than folks ship to us from foreign lands, More than those offshore rigs can send our way, Our thirst for oil increases every day. We need the crude to flow So more cars can gas and go. Praise BP, our tanks they're filling, No one minds a little spilling. All those kelp-huggers make us want to puke! Surely that Exxon thing was just a fluke. Those liberals have a lot of nerve Saying that we should conserve! What we really need is more. (Barry Koch) To "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face" (Sung by Tony Hayward) I've grown accustomed to disgrace Since I've been working for BP; When every day I go to work, You tell me I'm a jerk, And names (I'll hint) The Post can't print Are second nature to me now, Like ugly slicks upon the sea; We were completely into shortcuts when we caused this royal mess; Still, it wasn't worth the time we tried to save (I guess . . .) Oops! Gotta run now, I confide; They've come to tar my hide; It's time to flee this place. (Beverley Sharp) To the "Mexican Hat Dance" In the Mexican gulf we're not sleepin', 'Cause we can't stop the oil from seepin'. Thanks to us, all the turtles are steepin' In a slick that's as black as a hat. On the phone it's the president howlin'. We've been threatened with mass disembowelin'! He's been tryin' to call Simon Cowell in, 'Cause his ratings have fallen so flat. What are we gonna do? We haven't a foggy clue. The sea is full of goo. Like us, it's all black and blue. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Next week: Quipped from the headlines, or True-rhyme reporting ====================================================================== WEEK 881, published August 7, 2010 Week 881: What's in a name? Redskin Albert Haynesworth, tackle from Tennessee: Bet he's worthless. Stefani Germanotta, a.k.a. Lady Gaga: "A man??!!" "OK, a gag." Here's a contest that two Losers recollected recently from when we did it back in 1999: Howard Walderman recounting the week that a record four of his entries were printed, and Chris Doyle griping that a similar earlier contest wasn't as good as this one. It's certainly time to do it again, since we have another decade's worth of people to make fun of: Take the name of a person or institution. Find within it a hidden message, as in the examples above. You may add spacing and punctuation, but you may not move letters around: The hidden message must be found by pulling out letters and using them in the same order they appear in the original name. You may add titles or other identifiers to the name, but don't go wildly overboard; the first example here is pushing the length limit. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a deluxe 12-piece set of Frogmen vs. Radioactive Octopus, which sounds better than it looks, even if it does glow in the dark. Donated by Occasional Loser Dan Steinberg. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 16. Put "Week 881" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Sept. 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Phil Frankenfeld. Report from Week 877, in which we asked for rhyming couplets on your choice of current events: The winner of the Inker Impostor in uniform drives Metrobus with passengers: Well, first he got lost, and he then had a crash, and I'm lucky to be a survivor. Amazing how well the impostor resembled our regular Metrobus driver! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 2.the winner of the book "Are You a Miserable Old Bastard?": Queen Elizabeth's visit to New York: All aroun' Manhattan town Elizabeth careens;(Ironically, the monarch's never set a foot in Queens.) (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 3.The mayor's traffic ticket: Oops, Fenty is caught in an illegal turn. His car may be Smart, but the man's yet to learn. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, a First Offender) 4. Lindsay Lohan's sentencing: Do legal guidelines really call for 90 days in jail For getting a bad manicure? On just one fingernail? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Couplets runneth under: Honorable mentions Said Barack, "My agenda a title should bear, to maximize public appeal." Said Biden, "I know, clean, articulate friend: We'll call it the Big Bleeping Deal!" (Mike Fransella, Arlington) Swapped back to Russia, where life is monot'nous, Anna's the Spy Who Came In From the Hotness. (Brendan Beary) He shot off his mouth like a pearl-handled pistol, And that marked the finish of Stanley McChrystal. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Crash test dummies' costumes given to Smithsonian: Dummies Larry and Vince both reached 25: They never used cellphones when learning to drive. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Among many wounds, soldiers suffer from trauma. (Just a reminder, Mr. Peace Prize Obama.) (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Levi and Bristol are off again, on again. Pinch me awake and I'll cough again, yawn again. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Sandra Bullock's divorce: Sandra gave Jesse a kick on his hind side: She'd finally learned what he did on her blind side. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) They're making a movie about John Edwards, And how he traveled from forward to bedwards. (Mae Scanlan) On the World Cup: Americans just can't relate to the thrill Of the rest of the world when the Cup ends 1 - nil. (Jim Reagan, Herndon) Felipe Melo and Brazil, a bunch of kiss-my-boo-boo wailers, Complaining their opponents got assists from vuvuzelers. (Gary Crockett) Somali militants ban soccer: The World Cup is boring enough to appall ya. But at least they don't shoot you like they do in Somalia. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) On the octopus that kept choosing the winning World Cup teams: Spain or Holland -- who would win? Their chances were identical; A brainy German got it right by sticking out his tentacle. (Beverley Sharp) Switzerland won't extradite Roman Polanski: The Swiss say Polanski Is free to romanski. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Left-handers lose iPhone reception: iPhone 4 is a little bit flaw-ish; Apple tells us: Just don't be southpaw-ish.(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Elections are won with gerrymandered maps, Which is fine if they're drawn by our own kind of chaps. (William Bradford, Washington) In Argentina now, it's deemed okay for gays to marry; It still takes two to tango, but their sexes needn't vary. (Brendan Beary) Genetic-testing kit mix-up: You can now buy a gene-testing kit for a song. ('Course it may get your gender and roots a bit wrong.) (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Mel Gibson's latest rantings: Mel's "Braveheart" won two Oscars, but his film career's gone south Since he showed the world that his most Lethal Weapon is his mouth. (Gary Crockett) And last: On a Supreme Court ruling: The FCC decency rules have to go! So how 'bout a "Style Invitational Show"? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Next Week: Safety in Blunders, or The Errorists Win ====================================================================== WEEK 882, published August 14, 2010 Week 882: Limerixicon 7 Drosophila melanogaster? I wouldn't put anything past her. She's a fly that makes doots In the flesh of your fruits -- A master of household disaster. It's the Doggerel Days of August: time for our annual visit to the unending quest of Chris J. Strolin and his Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, in which he and his contributors have been working assiduously since 2004 to present a limerick for every meaning for every word in the language, from A- to Ab- to . . . This week: Supply a humorous limerick prominently featuring any English word, name or term beginning with the letters dr-, as in the example above by Pulitzer Prize-winning Entomological Versifier Gene Weingarten of Washington (the fruit fly is pronounced "droSOPHila," by the way). See www.oedilf.com for our rules on limerick rhyme and meter. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. The second-place limericist receives a pair of Handerpants, little tighty-whitey briefs for your hands that, in inexplicable good taste, lack an actual fly for the middle finger. Donated by Craig Dykstra and modeled here by the hands of Loser Back in the Day Kelli Midgley. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 23. Put "Week 882" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Sept. 11. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Roy Ashley. "Doggerel Days of August" is by Nan Reiner. Report from Week 878, in which we asked for some not very sensible ways to make our nation more secure. Many, many people suggested, instead of having see-through scanners in airports, that clothes simply be banned during air travel, while many others suggested prohibiting only shoes and underwear. And one person after another volunteered his dog for bomb-sniffing, since Spike was already so effective at sniffing crotches. The winner of the inker: Assign GOP senators as flight marshals. They won't let ANYTHING happen. (Jon Graft, Centreville) 2. winner of the "Hello Losers" sign: Shut down the Taliban's heroin business by replacing Franklin's face with Muhammad's on $100 bills. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3. Hire good-looking women to stand around the airport saying in a loud voice, "Hey, are there any guys out there who can help me cut open this cardboard box?" (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) 4. Place a "top cap" tightly over Washington, and pump mud down into it until that stuff stops coming out. (Tom Murphy, Bowie) Mildly threatening: Honorable mentions Instead of one huge, expensive wall along our southern border, we build a small, individual wall around each American xenophobe who feels he needs protection. I'm sure we can find some guys in the Home Depot parking lot who can knock these out really cheaply. (Cy Gardner, Arlington) Make it illegal to purchase tactical nuclear weapons without a background check. (Except for those bought at nuclear-weapon shows.) (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Secure all nuclear material in those plastic clamshells. (Dion Black, Washington) Avoid the risks of future evil-geniuses inventing Earth-destroying weapons by ensuring that our education system remains crappy. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Put EVERYONE into witness protection. (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) Let the terrorists win. Then maybe they'll stop. -- N. Chamberlain, London, 1938 (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) Add a bunch of new boxes and lines to the DHS organization chart. (Michael Reinemer, Alexandria) To deter attacks by submarine, fill the Gulf of Mexico with some kind of black sticky stuff that will mess up periscopes. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Require all threats to be idle. (Andy Wolodkin, Frostburg, Md.) Install an electric dog fence along our southern border and require every Mexican to wear a special collar. -- T. Tancredo (Joshua Kaplowitz, Arlington) Require every nation to have one, and only one, nuclear weapon. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Ask suspicious people who won the 2006 World Cup.If they know, they're foreigners and should be thrown in jail. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Eradicate testosterone. (Judy Blanchard) Open some bombing ranges, like shooting ranges, so that suicide bombers can take live practice runs. (Gary Pasternack, Baltimore) Manufacture lousy fertilizer. (Jim Reagan, Herndon) Recruit executives from AIG and Lehman Brothers to infiltrate terror groups and manage their investments. (Gary Crockett) In Arizona, just arrest everyone -- that way, there's no profiling -- and then release anyone who doesn't look like an illegal immigrant. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Let's keep an eye on people who grow perfect hydrangea bushes. Because, just, grrrrrr. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) How tragic it is when a child or grandmother is felled by a stray bullet in a gang shooting. We must act now: mandatory marksmanship classes for all gang members. (Ward Kay, Vienna) To fight germ warfare, finally start enforcing those "Employee Must Wash Hands" signs -- no more doing it yourself. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Protect the nation from natural disasters by tasking the Department of Homeland Security to go down to Brazil, find that damn butterfly and kill it before it can flap its wings again. (Tom Murphy) Next week: Say Venn, or Warning: Graphic Depictions of Sets ====================================================================== WEEK 883, published August 21, 2010 Week 883: Compare and contrast Chicken lo mein The New York Yankees Water balloons A dental appointment Illinois Montezuma's Revenge Arlington National Cemetery An Elizabethan sonnet Gulf Coast beaches Venn diagrams A Real Housewife of D.C. School lunches The Nobel Prize Your friend's nose Here's a perennial Invitational contest that treads some of the same ground as this week's results, without all the circles and stuff: Choose any two items from the list above and explain why they are alike or are different from each other. Some of the categories were used in non-inking entries for the Venn diagram contest; maybe they'll feel more at home here. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the fine reference book "Five People Who Died During Sex, and 100 Other Terribly Tasteless Lists." Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt -- current or classic model -- or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 30. Put "Week 883" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Sept. 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. The diagrams were produced by Bob Staake and Valerie Holt; Craig Dykstra did his own. Report from Week 879, in which we asked you to express some observation about similarities and dissimilarities as a Venn diagram (or, in some cases, a Euler diagram, which doesn't show every possible intersection). The Inker-winner, the three runners-up and the honorable mentions -- "Below-grade intersections," as they're labeled in the print edition of this column -- appear in the slide show on the top right of this page. Except for one offbeat HM that didn't fit the frame's dimensions. That one, thought up by Barry Koch and drawn by Bob Staake, is here. Winner: Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va. RU 1: Craig Dykstra, Centreville RU 2: Ring Alexander, New York RU 3: Joshua Kaplowitz, Arlington Below-grade intersections: Honorable mentions Beverley Sharp, Washington Russell Beland, Fairfax Dion Black, Washington Eric Murphy, Washington Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va. Russell Beland, Fairfax Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y. Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va. Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va. Beverley Sharp, Washington Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va. Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va. Kevin Dopart, Washington Sheri Tardio, Prince Frederick, Md. Kevin Dopart, Washington Kevin Dopart, Washington Kevin Dopart, Washington Barry Koch Next week: Our greatest hit, or Lex-change operations ====================================================================== NO WEEK NUMBER; published August 28, 2010 *The results of the Invitational's famous neologism contest* Saturday, August 28, 2010; C02 No new contest this week -- it's the first break that the Empress has given the Obsessive Losers since February 2008. Four weeks from now, we'll run some results of previous contests. And remember that the deadline for last week's contest isn't until Aug. 30 at midnight. The revised title for next week's contest and this week's honorable-mentions subhead are both by Tom Witte. *Report from Week 880, this year's version of the contest with which The Style Invitational is most associated, reprinted on Web sites ranging from ArboristSite.com to the Adult Gamer, not to mention even more sites that label it, obviously wrongly, "the Mensa Invitational": This time, we asked you to take a word or multi-word term beginning with Q, R or S and add, drop or substitute a letter, or transpose two adjacent letters: *The winner of the inker* Defrigerator: Start saving energy now with this special offer from Pepco! /(Lennie Magida, Potomac)/ 2. winner of not only the Inflatable Tongue but also the Lady Anti Monkey Butt powder: Republicant: "Government can't solve your problems -- elect us so we can prove it." /(Evan Hadley, Potomac, a First Offender)/ 3. Quinceañerda: A teen's party with piñatas, dungeons and dragons. /(Christopher Lamora, who just moved to Guatemala)/ 4. Quickstand: The one-nighter that sinks a marriage. /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville)/ *'Q'uite a 'R'ation of 'S': Honorable mentions* Buick-tempered: Unexcitable. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)/ Crapacity: The size of one's attic. /(Chris Doyle, from Krarhayit, Turkey)/ Refiance: To replace your subprime boyfriend when your interest starts to vary. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)/ Rococoa: Haute chocolate /(Nick Curtis, Alexandria)/ Quartersack: On the Redskins, it's the player who lines up behind the center and takes the snap. /(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)/ Po'journ: An inexpensive vacation. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)/ Regurgitata: A nursing baby's spit-up. /(Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)/ Squatrain: A four-line ode of bathroom humor. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)/ Bardines: The crush of patrons at dollar-beer night. /(Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)/ Rheengineering: Making radical change in a school system. /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)/ Goux: A dark sauce lately served up on the Gulf Coast. /(Mark Richardson, Washington)/ Sox-change operation: Moving from Chicago to Boston. /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)/ Spaghetto: Little Italy. /(Lois Douthitt, Arlington)/ Urn-of-the-mill: Non-premium coffee. /(Edmund Conti)/ Hicksa: She's not just gentile, she's from West Virginia. /(Roy Ashley, Washington)/ Podium phosphate: A polite term for the fertilizer dished out on the campaign trail. /(Bob Klahn, Wilmington, Del.)/ Stripteas: Afternoon shows at a gentlemen's club. /(Beverley Sharp, Washington)/ Renassance: When you fit into those tight jeans again. /(Drew Bennett)/ Rudeo: A trash-talk contest. /(Pam Sweeney)/ Retrograd: Someone who moves back in with Mom and Dad after college. /(Russell Beland, Fairfax)/ Satisfiction: "Of course it was good for me too. It was fantastic. Really, I mean it." /(Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)/ Hillelagh: A Jewish club. /(Stephen Dudzik)/ Vapid City: An even duller town in South Dakota. /(Les Greenblatt, Ann Arbor, Mich.)/ Racksack: A brassiere. /(Chris Doyle)/ Prevenge: Do unto others first. /(Lois Douthitt)/ Snotstorm: A bad winter cold. /(Mae Scanlan)/ Soberiquet: A fake name used at an AA meeting. /(Tom Witte)/ Star raving mad: Mel Gibson, again. /(Bob Klahn)/ St. Lousi: Gateway to the Worst. (Craig Dykstra) Shequel: Wife No. 2. (Kevin Dopart) Sister-in-la: The woman who stands next to you in the choir. (Tom Witte) Socket wench: What the cretins at the auto shop called the new female mechanic. /(Dave Komornik)/ Sofari: A hunting expedition for the remote. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ Savings and loam: A place to bury your treasure. /(Lois Douthitt)/ Sayonada: So long, and thanks for nothing. /(Mae Scanlan)/ /Next week: What's in a name,/ or /'Wit'hin/ ====================================================================== WEEK 884, published September 4, 2010 Week 884: Reinventing the spork The Escaladder: A combination escalator and ladder, similar to an escalator that you climb step by step. This device is often found in Metro stations. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Here's a contest -- to combine two devices or other products to make a new one -- that we last did in 1998. We're hoping that the last dozen years have yielded enough new stuff to make for fresh combinations, or at least that Loser brains can churn up some new mash-ups of old stuff. (Yes, surely their stomachs can.) You can see the results of Week 265 on the online version of this column here. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins this fabulous electronic stuffed lamb, sent to The Post by the Gospel Music Channel, probably in 2007, which is when we gave away another one like it; the Empress recently recovered it from a newsroom discard pile and installed it on her desk. Turn it on, and the lamb's hoofs wave in rhythm as a baritone leads a funky choir with great, unending gusto. You can imagine how much the assiduous writers and editors on the fourth floor of the Post building enjoy having the Empress stop by. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 13. Put "Week 884" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Oct. 2. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Craig Dykstra. Report from Week 881, in which we asked to to find "hidden messages" in the names of people or organizations, consisting of letters extracted from the name, in order. While we said we'd accept a few identifying words appended to the name, we also warned you not to go overboard with lengthy descriptions that might yield a couple of useful letters. The best of the latter type -- which still wins no magnet -- was by Jim Reagan of Manassas: "Tiger Woods, Major Nike Company Investment, No. 80 in Winnings" contains "Too many swings." On the other hand, we did fall for an entry that made going overboard part of the joke: See the long, long, long one near the end of the list. The winner of the Inker Vice President Joseph Biden: I, I , I (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 2. the winner of the 12-piece glow-in-the-dark set of Frogmen vs. Radioactive Octopus: Rush Limbaugh: Ugh. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 3. Kevin Bacon: VI. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) 4. The British royal family: It's a fail. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) More intel inside : Honorable mentions Yoko Ono: OK? No. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Parents Television Council: "Pants ON!" (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Bill O'Reilly: Ill! Ill! (Edmund Conti) Miss Trinidad and Tobago LaToya Woods: Mind AND ta-tas (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston: STOP IT! (Suzanne Petroni, Falls Church, a First Offender) Grand Old Party: No. (Chris Doyle) Helen Thomas: No mas. (Brian Cohen, Potomac) Central Intelligence Agency: Cell? Cage? (Edmund Conti) Steven Slater: "Later!" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills; Craig Dykstra) House of Representatives: Our pests. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Liberal pundit Keith Olbermann: "I berate 'the man.' " (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) George W. Bush, former president: Gore won. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Dora the Explorer, also known as Dora Marquez: Repeal soon, AZ! (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) Beethoven: Eh? (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville) Senator John F. Kerry: No JFK. (Russell Beland) Hillary Rodham Clinton: Hard hon. (Peter Metrinko) United States Food and Drug Administration: Tests food/rat ratio. (Beverley Sharp) Chuck Schumer, New York senator: Hush me not! (George Vary, Bethesda) Mick Jagger: Ick! (Age.) (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods: Don't woo. (Kevin Dopart; Kathy Hardis Fraeman) Federal Emergency Management Agency: Flee! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) The White House Press Corps: The Wuss Corps. (Chris Doyle) "Mad Men's" Jon Hamm: Mmmm! (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) William Howard Taft: Lard-aft. (Kevin Dopart) American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals: Eat tofu. (Beverley Sharp) Lou Dobbs: Loud BS. (Gary Crockett) The Reverend William Spooner: The Reverser. (Russell Beland) National Security Agency: No secrecy. (Chris Doyle) Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothsay, Earl of Carrick, Baron Renfrew, Lord of the Isles and Grand Steward of Scotland: Ha! He's not king. (Chris Doyle) The Washington Post newspaper: Thinner. (Kevin Dopart) Fuddruckers: Er . . . (Kevin Dopart) Next week: Limerixicon VII, or A round of DR-inks on us ====================================================================== WEEK 885, published September 11, 2010 Week 885: Spoof a Post headline New Lawsuit to Challenge Laptop Searches 'I Beg Your PARDON!' No Longer Seen as Effective Deterrent to Gawking Co-Worker The return of this week's contest -- a hardy perennial -- was prompted by a headline in last Sunday's Post: "Atlanta copes with becoming a one-race town." We were concerned for a moment that the Paragon of the New South had, overnight, undergone some horrible ethnic purge, until we realized that there will now be only one NASCAR Sprint Cup race in Atlanta every year, instead of two. This week: Take any headline, verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Post or on washingtonpost.com from Sept. 10 through Sept. 20 and reinterpret it by adding a "bank head," or subtitle (like the joke bank head offered under the actual Post headline above). You must include the date and page number of the print-paper headline; for Web articles, give the date and copy a sentence or two of the story (even better, just copy the URL). You don't have to use the entire length of the headline, but don't skip words or use misleading snippets; for example, you can't change "Teachers Pass Out New Assignments" to "Teachers Pass Out." Headlines in ads and subheads within an article (as well as actual bank heads) can be used, too, as can the one-line links on the home page to the articles. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a vintage-looking dispenser of Executive Red Tape, a little roll of actual red tape, helpfully imprinted with "RED TAPE" throughout, donated by Kenneth Harkavy of Potomac. This item will surely be useful in any number of Losers' offices; to claim it, the winner need only submit a notarized Runner-Up Requisition 34(b) in triplicate. Photocopies will not be accepted. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 20. Put "Week 885" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Oct. 9. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Brad Alexander. Report from Week 882, our annual contest in which we ask for limericks featuring words from one sliver of the dictionary, this time words beginning with dr-. We received about 1,000 limericks, of which about 850 didn't contain the requisite hickory-dickory-dock/dickory-dock rhythm, didn't rhyme properly, and/or weren't very funny or witty. Fortunately, some of the greatest limericians on Earth are Style Invitational Losers. The winner of the Inker: A line, hint or clue; to my knees; A subject, a bomb and my fees; Off or out, in or by; The ball and my guy -- Droppin' everything, even my g's.(Carole Lyons, Arlington) 2. the winner of the pair of Handerpants tighty-whitey-motif gloves: When a mathematician named Lind Was informed he looked pie-eyed, he grinned: "I shan't drink anymore Since I'm 3.14 15926 sheets to the wind." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3. In feudal times, droit du seigneur Meant a lord could "invade" (filthy cur!) The bride of his vassal Right there in the castle! Predictably, no one asked HER. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 4. The AAA-AA, I think, Is a merger -- two clubs got in sync. (AAA is for cars; AA, too many bars.) It's for folks who are driven to drink. (David Goldberg, Pinckney, Mich., a First Offender) Goldie AABBA dabbling: Honorable Mentions When invited to dine with Count Dracula, I expected a menu spectacula; But d'you know what I got? Merely blutwurst, that's what! (I.e., "blood sausage" -- that's the vernacula). (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) While the airlines denounce him emphatically, Seems the blogosphere lauds him fanatically: Steven Slater (with brewski). Bid a fond "toodelooski" And then exited rather dramatically. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) By chance, a tattooist named Scotty Encountered his client (a hottie!). He had to think fast, So he drew from the past, Saying, "I have designs on your body!" (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Ground Zero should hallow the dead, So Muslims now fill us with dread By expecting to pray At a mosque blocks away. We should build a new strip club instead! (Chris Doyle) When Roy Pearson dropped off his dry-cleaning, No one knew what a tale we'd be gleaning. But with each new report Of his chutzpah in court, The word "pant-a-loon" gained a new meaning. (Nan Reiner, Alexandra) As memories pass of the spill A BP executive, Phil, Became a new dad Of a promising lad He aptly named Drill -- Baby Drill. (Rob Cohen, Potomac) My name's Friday. I carry a gun. And a badge. I'm a cop. It's no fun. I take calls at my desk. My talk's Hemingwayesque. "This is Dragnet. You're busted." (I'm done.) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) In the Draize test, a drug costing money Is put in the eyes of a bunny In numerous spurts To see if it hurts. (This lim'rick's not going to be funny.) (Mae Scanlan) As Rush Limbaugh's fourth wedding drew near, In a liberal show of good cheer, He shelled out a million To rock crocodilian -- A choice that his listeners thought queer. (David Lewis, Jeffersonville, Ind., a First Offender) Jeter Coffee Are you feeling too focused while driving? Well, help from your dashboard's arriving: Use the Net in your car. Yes, wherever you are You can surf. But good luck with surviving. (Madeleine Begun Kane, Bayside, N.Y., a First Offender) When she left me, I felt a great void, So I bought a new smartphone, a Droid. Would it cook, make the bed? I beseeched it. It said, "Not right now!" and it sounded annoyed. (Kannan Thiruvengadam, Boston, a First Offender) limarico & Rudi More dr- limericks will be published Sept. 24. Next week: Same difference, or Correspondence coarse. Lim Pickings: More limericks from Week 882 A druidic magician named Matt Makes a nun disappear just like that. Then he opens a trap Holding rodents, and zap! Pulls a habit right out of a rat. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Direct from the bar Pa came slinking; Ma noticed his breath was still stinking. When she said he was drunk, He declared, "That is bunk! "It was I who was doing the drinking!" (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) I'm shocked that the public ignores What goes on in our furniture stores, Where chests get caressed, Kings and queens stand undressed, And there's regular dropping of drawers. (Chris Doyle) John Cleese, from his very first role, Knew the way to America's soul: Though a joke may be crude, Obnoxious and rude, In a posh British accent, it's droll. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) When feeding your baby a nibble, The chances are great he will dribble. Although he might scowl, Just wipe with a towel. And if that won't work, maybe a bib'll. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) His daughter is dead, the poor lamb; When his wife says, "I'm sorry, I am -- Now, dear, pour me a drink So I don't have to think," Rhett says, "Frankly, I don't give a dram." (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) The princess, allergic to hay, Has been sniffling and sneezing since May. Now she's wooed by a knight With a potion that might Have Isolde on Dristan all day. (Chris Doyle) An acrobat, cream of the crop, Karl Wallenda rose fast to the top -- This aerial king Had the world on a string. Life was good to the very last drop. (Chris Doyle) Read more limericks. Next week: Rekindling the spork, or Whybrids Dribbling on: More "dr-" limericks from Style Invitational Week 882 More honorable-mention limericks from Week 882, a contest seeking limericks featuring words beginning with dr-: My drosophila photo you buy Has a pixel count terribly high I will mail it compressed, So to view it, you'd best Have a tool for un-Zipping my fly. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Planned a party as big as they get; Went in hock for a band and Joan Jett. Sent out invites -- a ton. The replies? Not a one! Now I'm dreading a fête worse than debt. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Texas) When the queen bee insists that they date, The drones try to pass, citing fate: "While we'd love to have sex, We know we'll be wrecks Since you rip out our organs to mate." (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Some married men can't help but drool When a hottie walks by at the pool. They must tell their mate, "Deah, I've got sialorrhea" And just hope that the wife plays the fool. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) For your boy, who consoled you, a dreidel. For your mom, who made soup, a new leidel. For your husband who swore He'd stop seeing that whore, What'll even the score? A greneidel! (Chris Doyle) There's romance with singing and crying; There's fighting and scheming and dying -- My day's full of drama Till my wife or my mama Gets home, flips the channel, starts buying. (Kannan Thiruvengadam, Boston) The twin playmates whom I'm double-teaming With their passionate moaning and screaming Could have woken the dead, But they woke me instead -- Not surprisingly, I was just dreaming. (Craig Dykstra) Fifty channels, and none of them free. So you'd think there'd be something to see But alas it's such crap, I prefer a good nap. Apropos that it's called DreckTV. (Craig Dykstra) There once was a debutante's Dr. Who'd rest not until he'd defr. For her honor's safe guard She did try (but not hard), It was what she'd been missing that sho. (Doug Harris, Stockton-on-Tees, England) ====================================================================== WEEK 886, published September 18, 2010 Week 886: Look both ways DOPI IPOD: An MP3 player with a bong app for enhanced music appreciation. KRAPARK: Dog "recreation" area. NIPPIN: Placeholder after a new piercing. This one, we think, is going to be a challenge: Give us a new term that's a palindrome -- i.e., it's spelled the same in both directions -- and define it, as in the examples above by Bob Staake and by 141-time Loser Craig Dykstra, who suggested this contest. While we sometimes bend the rules a bit on contests, it really has to be a palindrome, not a sort-of palindrome. Note that the term may use existing words or be a word you make up, as long as it's clever, funny, etc. What we like. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a very strange marionette of a fluffy pink animal whose head is an elephant and whose body is sort of like a cartoon cat's, with vertical stature and nice long humanoid legs and arms. It also has a bright pink tail that, we found, can end up, when the puppet's strings are jiggled, on the front side of the marionette, making it look less like a tail and more like a, well, non-tail. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar, who wrested it away from a little girl at a craft fair. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 27. Put "Week 886" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Oct. 16. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results (more entries from previous contests) is by Jeff Contompasis; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Report from Week 883: Our perennial contest in which we presented you with a random list of items and asked how any two of them were alike or different: The winner of the Inker The difference between a dental appointment and a Real Housewife of D.C.: For one you use a phone to make it; the other uses a moan to fake it. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) 2. winner of the book "Five People Who Died During Sex, and 100 Other Terribly Tasteless Lists": The difference between a dental appointment and the Nobel Prize: Sometimes you have to wait for a dental appointment. -- B. Obama, Washington (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) 3. Water balloons vs. the New York Yankees: No matter how many needles you stick in them, or how big you pump them up, the Yankees never actually explode. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) 4.A dental appointment vs. a Real Housewife of D.C.: For the first, the problem might be TMJ; for the other, it tends to be TMI. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Wit's the difference: Honorable mentions Montezuma's revenge and Arlington National Cemetery: With the first, you lose it over and over and you feel you're going to die. With the second, you die and then they lose you over and over. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) School lunches and Gulf Coast beaches: Both are covered in toxic, government-subsidized grease. (N.G. Andrews, Portsmouth, Va.) The New York Yankees: Seats sold by A-Rod. Illinois: Seat sold by a Rod. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) School lunches and a Real Housewife of D.C.: One is often given away and the other is often kept. (Craig Dykstra) At Arlington you're enthralled by the stones; with Montezuma's revenge you're installed by the thrones. (Craig Dykstra) Venn diagrams and Montezuma's revenge: Together, they help explain "null and void." (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) A Real Housewife of D.C. and Arlington National Cemetery: In both cases, no one was checking IDs at the gate. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Illinois and Arlington National Cemetery: Fixing things will take someone who knows where the bodies are buried. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) A dental appointment: Laughing gas. A Real Housewife of D.C.: Gaffe-ing lass. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Chicken lo mein and a dental appointment: With either, you try to avoid it if you're a chicken. (Craig Dykstra) Montezuma's revenge and Arlington National Cemetery: One includes cramps; the other, Gramps. (Kevin Dopart) Montezuma's revenge and a Real Housewife of D.C.: If those were his only two choices, Obama probably still wouldn't welcome the Real Housewife to a state dinner. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) The Nobel Prize and a Real Housewife of D.C.: By the rules, neither can be shared by more than three people. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The difference between a dental appointment and the Nobel Prize is that several Englishmen have Nobel Prizes. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) The difference between school lunches and Montezuma's revenge: About two hours. (Art Grinath; Craig Dykstra) An Elizabethan sonnet and a Real Housewife of D.C.: With the Real Housewife, nobody's comparing her to a summer's day. To Summer's Eve, maybe. (John Kupiec, Fairfax) Arlington National Cemetery and your friend's nose: They're both tasteless places to picket. (Joshua Kaplowitz, Arlington) Your friend's nose is like an Elizabethan sonnet: Both will be finished after 14 lines. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) The New York Yankees and Montezuma's revenge: With either, stained pants are a good indication of a day with lots of runs. (Kevin Dopart) School lunches and Gulf Coast beaches: With the first, the sandwich stinks; with the other, it's the sand which stinks. (Kevin Dopart; Mae Scanlan) School lunches and Arlington National Cemetery: Each contains items labeled with expiration dates. (Kevin Dopart) Venn diagrams are like a Real Housewife of D.C. in that you're hoping that the subjects touch each other so you can learn more about them. (Jim Reagan, Herndon) Next week: Left-Oeuvres ====================================================================== WEEK 887, published September 25, 2010 Week 887: Plus-fours A new contest: We give you a line, you write the rest of the limerick -- She said, "Never, you cad" -- He snatched up a cleaver -- But then it got tricky -- And through each passing year -- They came back in one piece -- Displaying a broom People sure like limericks, it turns out: We received more than 1,000 entries for Week 882's contest, and many people seemed eager for another challenge. Here's one we've never done before. This week: Write a limerick whose third or fourth line is one of those listed above. Remember that, in the smallest nutshell into which we can oversimplify it, Lines 1, 2 and 5 of the limerick must each contain the meter "o-hickory-dickory-dock" and must rhyme with one another; and that Lines 3 and 4 must contain "o-dickory-dock" and rhyme with each other. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a cheap plastic figurine of a grinning swami that was a promotion for the movie "The Love Guru," which went on to win Golden Raspberry Awards for Worst Movie, Worst Actor (Mike Myers) and Worst Screenplay. Donated by Style editor and Invitational fan Lynn Medford. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 4. Put "Week 887" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Oct. 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Jeff Contompasis. The honorable-mention subheads are by Tom Witte (Week 880), Beverley Sharp and Craig Dykstra (Week 882). 'Q'uite a 'R'ation of 'S': More honorable mentions from Week 880 We had no new contest four weeks ago, so this week we offer some more detritus from previous contests. For Week 880, we asked you to take an existing word beginning with Q, R, or S, change it by one letter, and define the new word: Skedaddie: A deadbeat father. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Breverend: Everyone's favorite sermon-giver. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Qualifictation: A lie on one's résumé. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Quirk-change artist: A psychiatrist. (Bob Klahn, Wilmington, Del.) Rehoarsal: Tom Waits's warmup. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Rodeo Dive: A house in Beverly Hills worth less than a million bucks. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Rotundra: A vast, unfurnished foyer of a McMansion. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Sabotagging: Posting incriminating photos on your "friend's" Facebook page. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Scrotching: "Searching for pocket change." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Soberiquet: A fake name used at an AA meeting. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Straycation: A weekend in Vegas that you really hope stays in Vegas. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Strop throat: What Sweeney Todd's customers suffered from. (Craig Dykstra) Rataptouille: A French dish combining tomatoes, garlic, onions, zucchini and the expectorant of a disgruntled sous-chef. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Lim Pickings: More limericks from Week 882 A druidic magician named Matt Makes a nun disappear just like that. Then he opens a trap Holding rodents, and zap! Pulls a habit right out of a rat. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Direct from the bar Pa came slinking; Ma noticed his breath was still stinking. When she said he was drunk, He declared, "That is bunk! "It was I who was doing the drinking!" (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) I'm shocked that the public ignores What goes on in our furniture stores, Where chests get caressed, Kings and queens stand undressed, And there's regular dropping of drawers. (Chris Doyle) John Cleese, from his very first role, Knew the way to America's soul: Though a joke may be crude, Obnoxious and rude, In a posh British accent, it's droll. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) When feeding your baby a nibble, The chances are great he will dribble. Although he might scowl, Just wipe with a towel. And if that won't work, maybe a bib'll. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) His daughter is dead, the poor lamb; When his wife says, "I'm sorry, I am -- Now, dear, pour me a drink So I don't have to think," Rhett says, "Frankly, I don't give a dram." (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) The princess, allergic to hay, Has been sniffling and sneezing since May. Now she's wooed by a knight With a potion that might Have Isolde on Dristan all day. (Chris Doyle) An acrobat, cream of the crop, Karl Wallenda rose fast to the top -- This aerial king Had the world on a string. Life was good to the very last drop. (Chris Doyle) Read more limericks. Next week: Rekindling the spork, or Whybrids Dribbling on: More "dr-" limericks from Style Invitational Week 882 More honorable-mention limericks from Week 882, a contest seeking limericks featuring words beginning with dr-: My drosophila photo you buy Has a pixel count terribly high I will mail it compressed, So to view it, you'd best Have a tool for un-Zipping my fly. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Planned a party as big as they get; Went in hock for a band and Joan Jett. Sent out invites -- a ton. The replies? Not a one! Now I'm dreading a fête worse than debt. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Texas) When the queen bee insists that they date, The drones try to pass, citing fate: "While we'd love to have sex, We know we'll be wrecks Since you rip out our organs to mate." (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Some married men can't help but drool When a hottie walks by at the pool. They must tell their mate, "Deah, I've got sialorrhea" And just hope that the wife plays the fool. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) For your boy, who consoled you, a dreidel. For your mom, who made soup, a new leidel. For your husband who swore He'd stop seeing that whore, What'll even the score? A greneidel! (Chris Doyle) There's romance with singing and crying; There's fighting and scheming and dying -- My day's full of drama Till my wife or my mama Gets home, flips the channel, starts buying. (Kannan Thiruvengadam, Boston) The twin playmates whom I'm double-teaming With their passionate moaning and screaming Could have woken the dead, But they woke me instead -- Not surprisingly, I was just dreaming. (Craig Dykstra) Fifty channels, and none of them free. So you'd think there'd be something to see But alas it's such crap, I prefer a good nap. Apropos that it's called DreckTV. (Craig Dykstra) There once was a debutante's Dr. Who'd rest not until he'd defr. For her honor's safe guard She did try (but not hard), It was what she'd been missing that sho. (Doug Harris, Stockton-on-Tees, England) ====================================================================== WEEK 888, published October 2, 2010 The Style Invitational Week 888 It's the eponomy stupid How the Empress's mind works: 1. Come across a photo feature from Life magazine's Web site on "people who became nouns" -- Mr. Silhouette, Mr. Boycott, Edsel Ford, etc. 2. Think: Steal idea and use as a contest? 3. Then think: We did eponyms already, didn't we? 4. Find out that we did eponyms twice already, most recently in 2006. 5. Note that most of those inking entries were for people no longer in the news, and were unlikely to be repeated. 6. This week: Coin a word or expression based on the name of a well-known person, define it, and perhaps use it in a sentence. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a Loser T-shirt that the Loser cannot wear. Because it has been made into a huge puffy pillow by Loser Scion Alexandra Bennett, a University of Missouri student and daughter of 95-time Loser Drew. It's shown here by Loser Scion Ethan Black, 4, a pre-pre-pre-college student and the son of 22-time Loser Dion. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 11. Put "Week 888" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Oct. 30. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Russell Beland. Report from Week 884, in which we asked you to combine two products: The winner of the Inker Poop 'n' Scoop Canadian Winter Gloves: With built-in tongs, plus a special pocket where you can place your dog's business and keep your hands warm for the rest of the walk. (Scott Weinstein, Montreal) 2. winner of the gospel-singing stuffed lamb:The Crowbarcalounger: A comfy recliner with a useful hidden accessory for when it's time for Fred to take out the trash. (George Smith, Frederick) 3. The Roombazooka: Combination robo-vac and missile launcher -- sit back and relax while all the crap in your attic turns into space junk. (Bob Klahn, Wiilmington, Del.) 4.Green Eggs and Bam!: Garbage disposal attachment for the back of your fridge so you can just push out the stuff you wouldn't ever touch again. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Paired down: Honorable mentions Viagranola: The breakfast guaranteed to get you up in the morning. Great with wild oats. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland; Beverley Sharp, Washington) Tango: An orange-flavored beverage powder that's also a powerful laxative. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Purse-Into-Flames: A handbag with a built-in incinerator for the next time you're stopped for driving while famous. -- P. Hilton (Kevin Dopart) Combining a motion detector and sprinkler system would discourage the neighbor from "walking" his dog in your yard. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Remotrin: Head hurts so bad you can't get up off the couch? Just click, and the ibuprofen comes to you. (Lennie Magida, Potomac) The Rolling Pint: While making those pie crusts, Grandma can keep a nip within easy reach with this built-in kitchen flask. (For larger appetites: the Tuna Fifth casserole dish.) (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) The Buzzkiller: Make crowd control at any high school football game a snap -- at the pep rally, hand out these wireless Breathalyzer-kazoos. (Kevin Dopart) Pepcocacola: A mix of Pepsis and Coke that gives you extra energy (not always available in summer and winter). (Russell Beland) A car and a box: Ikia, a Korean-Swedish automotive venture in which you take home all the parts and two Allen wrenches and you put it together yourself. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Pepcorn: A movie theater snack coated with caffeinated butter, enabling guys on dates to stay awake through romantic comedies. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Bradio (bra and radio): Don't touch those dials! (Christopher Lamora) Sidewalk with a tollbooth: Dan Snyder's latest idea to gouge fans at FedEx Field. (Craig Dykstra) A cable subscription with hemorrhoid ointment: Preparation HGTV, for those who sit and watch other people renovate houses. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) He-PS: Combines a condom with a TomTom to give the man in your life the directions he needs to help you "reach your destination." (Dion Black, Washington) The Mapnifier: A detailed miniature road atlas with a magnifying glass. Never be lost driving again! Attaches to the dash with a handy suction cup. Updates available annually. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Mugnet: The new yearned-for Style Invitational prize for Losers who keep misplacing their coffee. (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va., a First Offender) Next week: Mess with our heads, or Fake it to the bank ====================================================================== WEEK 889, published October 9, 2010 The Style Invitational Week 889 Tour de Fours VII Pupelo: The Mississippi village where Elvis's Hound Dog came from. For no reason at all except that we haven't used an O or a P in the previous six runnings of this annual contest: Coin and define a humorous word that includes -- with no other letters between them, but in any order -- the letters P, O, L and E, as in the example above by Renaissance Man Bob Staake Himself. It has to be a new word (or hyphenated compound), not a new definition for a well-known existing word. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins this handsome squeaky dog toy in the shape of a typical bikini-wearing poultry carcass that seems to have two unfortunate polyps in the breast meat. Perhaps the best thing about it is the name of the product, Baking Beauties. Donated by Craig Dykstra, whose beagle Daisy sensibly would have nothing to do with it. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 18. Put "Week 889" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Nov. 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised titles for next week's results are by Chris Doyle and Craig Dykstra, respectively. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Gary Crockett; the headline for the Web-only supplement ("Bank reserves") is by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 885, in which we asked you to reinterpret the meaning of a Washington Post headline by writing a "bank head" under it. Among the heads too frequently submitted -- they were just too easy: "New bore reaches 33 trapped miners" ("Limbaugh takes over rescue shift from Gore"); "FDA rules won't require salmon labels" ("Coral, pale rose deemed close enough"). The winner of the Inker Saudis may get huge arms deal Landmark 'oil for spinach' accord signed (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) 2. winner of the dispenser full of actual red tape: He surprises even himself National peekaboo champion reveals grueling training program (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3. Baltimore honors late rocker Frank Zappa with bust Heirs question 'honor' of posthumous pot arrest (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) 4. These Redskins are as entertaining as they are unpredictable Excerpts published from just-discovered Custer diary (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Undercapitalized banks: Honorable mentions In back-to-school speech, Obama implores students to 'dream big' Gingrich: President tells kids to sleep in class (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Essence of the D.C. sound Siren and car-alarm festival starts today (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Government targets inmate's filings Vows crackdown on cakes from Mom (Ira Allen, Bethesda) $250 fine for distracted drivers in Va. In fact, most say they'd be they'd be happy getting half that much (Russell Beland, Fairfax) You call this camping? New soldiers in Afghanistan learn that recruiters might have misled them a bit (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Imposing talent What it takes to compete in the Brother-in-Law America pageant (Kevin Dopart) County exec facing new sex charges Thought he was 'all paid up' with hooker (Rich Abdill, College Park, a First Offender) Musician behind 'Hot Hot Hot' Second violinist voted 'best buns' by Philharmonic (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Brown leads Orange in chairman race 'What a relief to get beyond that whole white/black thing,' mayor notes (Elden Carnahan) More alcohol-related hospital trips New liquor concession in ER spurs increase in visitors (Jim Exnicios, Manassas) Is George Mitchell in the Middle East, or Northern Ireland? We don't have so many foreign correspondents anymore, so please let us know (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) With autumn, a rush of arresting lesser-knowns Most A-list celebs already in jail (Gary Crockett; Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) British archaeologists find remnants of a house dating back to the Stone Age Mailbox marked 'Fl ntst n-' intrigues scientists (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) A week without Facebook? Pennsylvania college tries it out 'Things seemed pretty much the same,' reports Amish Institute (Michael Simon, Potomac, a First Offender) Spaceflight program is now NASA's albatross Shuttle replacement features large wingspan, low fuel costs (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Exhumation confirms that Marine was buried in correct Arlington plot 'Sooner or later, someone had to be,' says cemetery official (Russell Beland) GOP plans to replace health-care overhaul if it controls Congress, but with what is unclear 'Death' cited as one option (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Jets bounce back Boeing's new Silly Putty fuselage deemed a success in crash tests (Craig Dykstra) Independence edges Freedom in OT Benign Dictatorship Runs Distant Third (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Miss Manners: Keep it loose for tea parties Spandex frowned upon at Beck/Palin rally (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Head-scratching follows head-spinning on 'Oprah' New sweeps-month stunts fall flat (Steve Honley, Washington) Pumpkin launched more than a mile -- Tajikistan space program advances (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) -- Search continues for beloved pet after hamster wheel accident (Craig Dykstra) And last: The offensive output is no passing fancy The Style Invitational celebrates its 18th year (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Even more bank heads. Next week: Look both ways, or Laff Offal, or Trope Report Bank Reserves: More honorable-mention bank headlines from Week 885 of The Style Invitational It's corn syrup by another name Experts unable to explain continuing popularity of 'Two and a Half Men' (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) An election in Japan Viagra proves a big hit in the Far East (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Warren expected to be adviser Vanity must have made actor think he'd be consulted on Carly's lyrics (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Fairness of woman's sentence challenged 'He never puts the lid down' not entirely true, mediator rules (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) More Subtle Tack on Afghan Graft Grandma crochets new patch on baby blanket, removes daughter-in-law's staple-gun fix (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis, a First Offender) Independence edges Freedom in OT Linguists reveal word counts for Holy Bible (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 'Delusions of Gender' argues that faulty science is furthering sexism Lady author has 338-page hissy fit (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) 3 yards and a cloud of smoke Neighbors on both sides fume over townhouse resident's pig roast (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Republicans rethink '12 playbook Reelection may have been fluke for Taft, analysts say (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn; Mark Richardson, Washington) Obama and the right to burn books President's joint action with radical conservatives infuriates left (Ira Allen, Bethesda) No one can make any sense of what went down Doctors flummoxed by sudden failure of Levitra (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Pepco readies new technology Plans to sell smokeless candles to customers during outages (Jim Reagan, Herndon) Metro pulls buses after Beltway fire Safety concerns down since Clydesdale deployment, but manure complaints up (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Andy Wolodkin, Frostburg, Md.) Raising our glasses to the return of school Age-old defense tactic against schoolyard bullies (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Battlefield keeps its streak alive Pickett's Charge reenactors fail to take ridge for 147th consecutive time (Elden Carnahan) Chunky sweaters Brawny laborers prove unpopular indoors (Tom Murphy, Bowie) Nice top floor, but it's not top-drawer More NFL players assess reporter Ines Sainz's cleavage (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Speed-hump fight ends in death Unsatisfied, woman shoots lover (Chris Doyle) (The headline for this list is by Kevin Dopart.) ====================================================================== WEEK 890, published October 16, 2010 The Style Invitational Week 890: Double-teaming Atlanta Falcons + Cincinnati Bengals = Fal Gals, a women's team with such potty mouths that the networks can't use mikes on the sidelines. Here's a suggestion from erstwhile Loser Jon Reiser: Combine the names of any two pro sports teams -- even from different sports -- and describe the result. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a collectible (or would be if it didn't have a little crack in the horn) cow standing in a gondola and wearing a gondolier costume, except in the daringly naked udder area. Gondi, let's call her, weighs several pounds and balances on a gondola well over a foot long. Donated by Cheryl Davis. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 25. Put "Week 890" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Nov. 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Dave Prevar; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 886, in which we asked you to coin and define a word or term that was a palindrome. Among those too frequently submitted were STINKKNITS (smelly sweaters), BUTTUB (bidet), NERDREN (dorks' offspring) and LAPPAL (friend with benefits). The winner of the Inker AHA HAHA: When you finally get the joke. (Tom Flaherty, Culpeper, Va., a First Offender) 2. winner of the weird pink fluffy elephant marionette: EGADAGE: "Heck," "darn," etc. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) 3. NAMETAG-GATEMAN: The conference organizer who won't let you enter until you've ruined your jacket with adhesive paper. (Dion Black, Washington) 4. AMENEMA: Blessed relief. (Anne Morgan, Fairfax, a First Offender) FUN ENUF: HONORABLE MENTIONS DROWSYSWORD: Impotence. (Roy Ashley, Washington) G.I. GAGA GIG: A flamboyant concert to support the overturning of "don't ask, don't tell." (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) LOOPOOL: Toddlers' swimming area. (Jeff Contompasis) BOOBOOBOOB: Implant fail. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England; Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) A PAPAYA PAPA: The leader of a banana republic. (Rick Morgan, Washington, a First Offender) RABBI RIB BAR: An all-beef barbecue joint. (Rick Morgan) PANTNAP: When your butt falls asleep. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) HARA-SARAH: Political suicide by failure to vet one's running mate. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) HARASSARAH: Ask a substantive question. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) GARBAGE GAB RAG: A supermarket tabloid. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) LOO FOOL: A woman who waits in an interminable line while the men's room remains vacant. (Nan Reiner) LEER REEL: The item on the hotel bill that you hope your wife doesn't see. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) GNAT TANG: Bug juice made from actual bugs. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) NOTTON: Polyester. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) LOOFA, A FOOL: Two things in Bill O'Reilly's shower in 2004 (Ira Allen, Bethesda) CALFLAC: Livestock insurance. (Mike Duffy, Washington; Ann Martin) TOYOTATOYOT : Something that's hard to stop once it gets going. (Ann Martin) FREE BEERF: How it sounds after four or five of them. (Craig Dykstra) T. ELIOT'S TOILET: Where "The Waste Land" was written. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) YARD POOP DRAY: What you need to clean up after your two St. Bernards. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) ABU TUBA: Iraqi prison whose inmates are subjected to the cruelest torture. (Frank Mullen III) TARP-RAT: You think bedbugs in hotel rooms are bad? Wait till you go camping and see these guys. (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersberg) DECAF-FACED: Sleepy-looking. (Craig Dykstra) TESTES ROCK-CORSET SET: A jockstrap and cup. (Chris Doyle) STATTATS: One way for conceited athletes to show off their career numbers. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) POPEPOP: High-fructose Communion beverage designed to bring kids back to Mass. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) AMORAL-AROMA: The smell of political success. (Kevin Dopart) NOT-A-TON: The small size at the Plus-Plus-Plus Dress Store. (Kevin Dopart) KAZOOZAK: The worst elevator music ever. (Chris Doyle) PARTTRAP: A zipper accident. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) XEREX: A date who's exactly like the jerk you just dumped. (Dion Black) BURNINRUB: The name Dr. Bengué rejected for his famous balm. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) PREPERP: Someone to keep a wary eye on. (Jim Reagan, Herndon) RELIVE EVILER: To make poor use of one's reincarnation. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) RACECARRACECAR: Photo finish at the Indy 500. (Christopher Lamora) SNACKCANS: What couch potatoes develop. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) TILE LIT: Bathroom reading. (Christopher Lamora) REVEL LEVER: A guy's joystick. (Jeff Contompasis; Craig Dykstra) KNOB BONK: A common injury among eavesdroppers. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) PAAP: Stuff your dad says. (Tom Witte) And last: LE CRAP PARCEL: What the Inker winner from Montreal got from the Empress. (Kevin Dopart) Next week: Plus Fours, or Gimmericks ====================================================================== WEEK 891, published October 23, 2010 Week 891: Mirror, mirror "Downtown? No, wait -- go uptown! GO!!! Wait, no -- DOWNtown!!!!!" Flush with his success in our recent palindrome neologism contest (Week 886), new but disturbingly successful Loser Gary Crockett suggested a contest he'd heard on NPR's "Weekend Edition Sunday" back in the 1990s. We're happy to appropriate it for ourselves, and think (or at least hope) that you can even beat out that contest's winner, Peter L. Stein, for ingenuity and humor: His winning entry was "First ladies rule the state, and state the rule: 'Ladies first.' " Or the example above by Our Bob Staake Himself. This week: Write a word-palindrome sentence, i.e., in which the first and last words are the same; the second and next-to-last, etc. There may be a single unpaired word in the middle. And -- since these will be fun to read out loud -- the paired words may be homophones of each other (such as "pear" and "pair"). You may also add an "attribution" afterward to someone who'd fittingly say such a thing. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a Special Loser Twin Snack Pak, consisting of a bag of Rap Snacks potato chips ("the official snack of Hip Hop"), donated by Loser Kyle Hendrickson, and a bag of Trader Joe's Roasted Seaweed Snack, which tastes exactly as good as it sounds, according to non-Loser Angel LaCanfora. Angel was so eager to get rid of her second, unopened bag of these things that she spent $3 to mail them to us from Southern California ("it was that or release it back into the ocean"). Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 1. Put "Week 891" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Nov. 20. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Roy Ashley; the headline on the supplement ("Limplants") is by Mae Scanlan. Report from Week 887, in which we supplied six lines, any of which you were to use as either Line 3 or Line 4 of a limerick. As predicted, this made for a lot of limericky variety, and only a little griping. The winner of the Inker In debate, you were ever so deft. I felt small, of opinions bereft. *And through each passing year It became crystal clear That you had to be right -- so I left.(Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) 2. winner of the junky promotional figurine for the terrible movie "The Love Guru": A traveling pair from San Bruno Left their flat for a week up in Juneau, *They came back in one piece, And they still had a lease, But their condo was blown straight to, you know. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) 3."O Susanna," he texted, "lets flee, "yr my tru luv ive cm 4 2 c." *She said, "Never, you cad! Texted pleas make me mad! It's my bra size you're wanting, not me." (Carol June Hooker, Landover Hills) 4. The leaders on whom we've bestowed All our votes need to carry the load. And through each passing year, If they want us to cheer, They should pee or get off the commode. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Low fives: Honorable mentions I parked by the side of the road Outside her (and her husband's) abode; We'd just time for a quickie, But then it got tricky When I found that my car had been towed. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) "Cut taxes! More health care!" we roared, So with Bush and Obama, debt soared. And through each passing year, Who's to blame became clear: We who want what we cannot afford. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) On our orchestra leader, a pox! He thinks Johann Sebastian just rocks. And through each passing year Nothing else do we hear -- He just cannot think outside the Bachs. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Said Christine O'Donnell, "I weep That my critics are sleazy and cheap. Can't they assume *Displaying a broom Means I hope for a GOP sweep?" (Rob Cohen, Potomac) A preacher took one of his daughters To camp by the mountainside waters. After catching a beaver, *He snatched up a cleaver And taught her to do unto otters. (Chris Doyle) Eddie Haskell was bursting with pride. June learned of his nuptials and cried. He snatched up a Cleaver But left it to Beaver To tell Ward that Wally's the bride. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) The new chancellor made quite a splash With infusions of corporate cash. But she sealed her own doom, Displaying a broom: It was she who got tossed with the trash. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) They ran off to a country whose ruler Practiced methods of justice far crueler. They came back in one piece ('Cept the shoplifting niece, Who carried both hands in a cooler). (Jacqui Brown, Easton, Pa., a First Offender) The avid fan looked for a pass, Then saw the ball drop in the grass. He snatched up a cleaver To kill the receiver -- And smashed his TV set, alas. (Kathy Bacskay, Lorton) I said I was out with some dude -- A few drinks. That was all. Nothing lewd. *But then it got tricky When she noticed my hickey. It's the last time I'll sleep in the nude. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) My plan for a Halloween feat Was to shock everyone on my street. But then it got tricky -- The dogs became licky: No more dressing as Gaga in meat. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) I sought help for a migraine attack But the doctor I saw was a quack. He snatched up a cleaver And said, "To relieve 'er I'll open 'er up just a crack." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Once a vile old Edwardian satyr Stalked a damsel while hoping to date her. She said, "Never, you cad, "You resemble my dad!" He asked, "Why can't you honor thy pater?" (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) I started with vodka and whiskey, Then gin, which I thought made me frisky. Now I add wine and beer, And through each passing year My consumption grows ever more risky. (William Bradford, Washington, who happens to be a frisky 96 years old) Next week: It's the eponymy, stupid, or Men of re-noun. (The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik.) Limplants: More Limericks from Week 887 of The Style Invitational Christine has been takin' a lickin', But that Delaware pol keeps on tickin'. Displaying a broom, She still works every room. As they say, there's no rest for the Wiccan. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) After bedding two triplets from Patrick, He said in a voice most theatric: "You're the last to be had." She said, "Never, you cad!" In the end, though, he did score the hat trick. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Computers are great, I'll agree, I need technical help, though, you see; And through each passing year, As new options appear, I find that it's all geek to me. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Though she sang with a voice operatic, She ate marshmallows like a fanatic. But then it got tricky -- Her tonsils got sticky; Now all we can hear is s'more static. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) When a backpacking drunk found the lair Of a grizzly, he had an affair. And through each passing year, The guy guzzles more beer When he hikes, getting loaded for bear. (Chris Doyle) To the butcher I cried, "Carnivore! We are vegans, blockading your store!" He snatched up a cleaver. (Ever tried to retrieve a Severed finger and thumb from the floor?) (Hugh Thirlway) Hail our heroes! To war we have tossed them, Till the Final Devotion it cost them. After valor's surcease, They came back in one piece. And then Arlington National lost them. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) The ladies went out mountain climbin' With a randy young fellow named Simon. They came back in one piece All except for Clarice, Who was suddenly missing her hymen. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif., a First Offender) Of Edith and Kate now you readeth: At the hands of their pa they both bleedeth. Tonight in a fever He snatched up a cleaver: Seems he can't halve his Kate and not Edith. (Craig Dykstra) Though her plump little bottom felt neato, I was fully prepared for her veto. She said, "Never, you cad!" I said, "Sorry! My bad! I was trying to squash a mosquito." (William Bradford, Washington) Ms. O'Donnell in witchcraft did revel. Dates on altars. With blood. (On the level.) But self-pleasure? Egad! She said, "Never, you cad! To do THAT is a sign of the Devil." (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) A man rode his donkey last spring Past a mowing machine in full swing; And by chance or caprice, They came back in one piece -- Neither man nor his ass in a sling. (Chris Doyle) And last: Alas for the wordsmith-cum-mohel Whose ink craving rose to a boil. He snatched up a cleaver, Then heard, through his fever: "You'll not make the cut versus Doyle." (Nan Reiner) ====================================================================== WEEK 892, published October 30, 2010 The Style Invitational Week 892 Get a move on Rotate the Statue of Liberty 180 degrees. -- T. Tancredo You know those huge construction cranes that bend like fingers? How about moving two of them to each side of the Washington Monument? This contest was suggested literally years ago by Kevin Dopart of Washington, who is rumored to have a life outside The Style Invitational but fortunately doesn't let said life get in the way of What Really Matters. Kevin was intrigued that a museum about Lizzie Borden was opening in Salem, Mass. -- which is 80 miles away from Lizzie's (and Kevin's) home town of Fall River. Which is an admittedly tenuous lead-in to this week's contest: Change the location of something for humorous effect, as in Kevin's examples above. Provide an explanation if you wish. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins this handsome shower-gel dispenser that sticks to the wall of your particular ablution center. Needless to say, you squeeze the nose and collect the soap (not included, of course) from its one working nostril. Donated by Craig Dykstra. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 8. Put "Week 892" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Nov. 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by both Tom Witte and Roy Ashley. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Report from Week 888, in which we asked you to create eponyms, words or terms based on someone's name. Many people used the verb "rangel" to mean round up funding for a pet project. The winner of the inker lebronchitis, n.: Acute swelling of the ego. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) 2. the winner of the giant pillow made of Loser T-shirts: L'Enfant-terrible, n.: Morning rush hour in the District. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 3. lohan-behold, v.: To look at the magazines at the supermarket checkout aisle. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 4. Obummer!: An interjection expressing great disappointment. "Obummer! He's not really the guy I thought he was when I voted for him." (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Eponymisses: Honorable mentions haynesworth, n.: The disastrous result of an expensive transaction: "You paid for six years of college tuition and now your son's 'promotion' is to assistant burger flipper? Well, you sure got your haynesworth." (Ernie Staples, Burtonsville; Fred Dawson, Beltsville) maxine waters, n.: Ethical straits. "You're wading into pretty maxine waters by helping out those bank officials, congressman." (Jeff Contompasis) rheem, v.: Teach a lesson. "D.C. teachers were rheemed by the new union contract." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) stassin', v.: Making repeated futile bids for the presidency. Do you think Nader's serious, or is he just stassin' around? (Roy Ashley, Washington) bristol, v.: To react with suspicion when your boyfriend is acting up. "She bristoled at his latest video." (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) Emanuelaborer, n: One who uses a blue-collar vocabulary in a white-collar job. (Jim Richardson, Ellicott City, a First Offender) fentysize, v: To dream that you can get reelected by ignoring your constituents. (Tony Phelps, Washington, a First Offender; Nan Reiner, Alexandria) hef-jam, n: An orgy. (Tom Witte. Montgomery Village) drudge, v.: Portmanteau meaning to dredge sludge. (Jeff Contompasis) snyder, adj.: More miserly. "I never met a guy who was snyder with a dollar than your uncle." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) unbiden, v: To let off stress with a stream of profanity. "Relieved that the legislation had finally passed, Joe unbidened to his boss, 'This is big &{$181}%ing deal!' " (John Kupiec, Fairfax) limbaugh-dancing, v.: How low can you go? (Craig Dykstra) grayed, v.: Reduced the amount of whitening. (Kevin Dopart) whittingtonto, n.: A sidekick who takes one in the face for you. (Chris Doyle) Heene, n.: The sound of air being let out of a balloon. (Kevin Dopart) personal lohan, n.: Bail. (Jeff Contompasis) kodypendent, adj.: Married to a polygamist. (Chris Doyle) QE2, adj.: Dowdy, out of style. "Bob's grandmother came over for Thanksgiving, and OMG she's soooo QE2!" (Mae Scanlan, Washington) January-jones, n.: Midwinter desire for a refreshing warm front. (Jeff Contompasis) vilsack, v.: To fire an employee for no good reason. "After the vilsacking of those U.S. attorneys in 2006, some people said they ought to rename the Department of Justice." (Chris Doyle) oprahetta, n.: A performance with an overly dramatic and extended ending. (Russell Beland) mcnabb, v.: To pick up someone else's castoff. "The Dodgers mcnabbed Manny Ramirez to help their pennant chances." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) glennbeck, n: A clownish display of pathos or outrage. "When I told my 3-year-old that I wouldn't buy him the cotton candy, he threw a full-on glennbeck right in the middle of the store." (Nan Reiner; Michael Reinemer, Annandale) reubens, v: Behaves inappropriately in a theater. "Despite the plea to curb cellphone use, Paul reubens with his BlackBerry throughout the movie." (Dion Black, Washington) gibsonic: The sound of a noisy, irrational rant. "I saw the 1937 Reichstag speech on the History Channel last night -- totally gibsonic!" (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) vick, v.: To make an unforgivable mistake. "Man, he really vicked up big time -- that'll dog him forever." (Craig Dykstra) torain, n.: Yardage on a football field. "Portis is gonna have to scramble over some rugged torain to get his job back." (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) Kamikarzai: Suicidal behavior by a head of state. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) feldman-eyes, n.: One's most remarkable physical feature. "J.Lo's feldman-eyes are most obvious when she's walking away." (Craig Dykstra) Next week: Tour de Fours 7, or PEOLogisms ====================================================================== WEEK 893, published November 6, 2010 Week 893 Give us a hint As you can gather from the length of most of today's losing entries, the Empress tends to think that short is good. (Which is handy for her, considering her own sub-Amazonian stature.) Back in 2006 we did a contest for six-word stories (winner: "They suck, Pete Best consoled himself," by Mike Levy of Silver Spring). This week we're going to be a bit more expansive -- up to 25 words -- as in the new anthology "Hint Fiction" by Robert Swartwood. Named because the minimal stories only suggest a plot that the reader has to fill in for himself -- reading between the line, you might call it -- "Hint Fiction" is composed mostly of tale-lets that tend toward the macabre or violent or depressing. For example: "Houston, We Have a Problem," by J. Matthew Zoss: "I'm sorry, but there's not enough air in here for everyone. I'll tell them you were a hero." We, of course, will shoot for funny. This week: Write a humorously witty story in 25 words or fewer. It doesn't have to be fiction, but it should be a narrative, not just a funny musing. A title, if you include one, or a fake attribution won't count toward the 25 words. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins this fine play set of U.S.A. vs. Commies, which will help your children learn to eliminate the Red Scourge. Donated by Russell Beland. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 15. Put "Week 893" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Dec. 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Brendan O'Byrne of Regina, Saskatchewan. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Dave Prevar. Report from Week 889: Our annual Tour de Fours contest, in which we ask you to coin a word containing a solid block of four given letters (this year they were P, O, L and E) in any order, Have we ever mentioned that one Chris Doyle of Ponder, Tex., is pretty good at this contest? The winner of the Inker Gestapolemics: Calling your political opponents Nazis. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2. winner of the dog toy in the shape of a bikini-wearing chicken body: Pelosiraptor: A fierce ancient beast, not yet quite extinct. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) 3. Googooplex: A enormous day-care center. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 4. CEOplug: When pulled, it often releases a golden parachute. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) POLE sitters: Honorable mentions Alpoetry: Dog food that sets off a Rin-Tin-Tinnabulation with its swell, sweet, grilled-swill smell. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Trumpole: An English barrister with an even sillier wig than his colleagues'. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Polecatastrophe: A date with someone who didn't use deodorant. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Teleportapotty: The holy grail of waste disposal technology. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) Napoleonsis complex: The tendency to compensate for shortcomings by acquiring sports teams. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Slop-etiquette: Rules for feeding at the federal pork barrel. "Slop-etiquette requires that Appropriations Committee members line up first." (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Dopeleganger: A dork who looks just like you. (Roy Ashley, Washington; Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Narcolepigram: A long, boring saying. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Nincompeople: To Fox News watchers, everyone on MSNBC, and vice versa. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Osteoplump: "Big-boned." (Chris Doyle) Apoplectric: Blowing a fuse. (Kevin Dopart) Poel: Christmas during the recession. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Dactylopejorative: Hoity-toity word for the one-finger salute. (Chris Doyle) Kelpo: The new seaweed diet for PETA pets. (Elizabeth Dere, Annandale, a First Offender) Feelops: The airport security squad in charge of giving pat-downs. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Beatlepontiff: Pope John Paul George Ringo. (Chris Doyle) Poleyps: unfortunate ailment developed by exotic dancers. (Frank and Cindy Curry, Bruceton Mills, W.Va.) HopeLOL: Republican campaign slogan. (Edmund Conti) Drooplessness: A concern four hours after taking Cialis. (Chris Doyle) Temple-oath: First, do no ham. (Chris Doyle) Oculopeel: To undress with the eyes. (Chris Doyle) Casserolepia: Constellation that remains stationary over the Midwest. (Christopher Lamora) Anvilope: A mailman's nightmare. (Chris Doyle) Encyclopediass: A know-it-all. (Tom Witte) And last: Brothelponder: The best little whorehouse in Texas (trust me on this). (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Next week: Double teaming, or Lions + Tigers + Bears ====================================================================== WEEK 894, published November 13, 2010 Week 894: Look back in Inker It's coulda-shoulda time again, when the Empress deigns to receive entries a week late -- or 49 weeks late. This week: Enter any Style Invitational from Week 841 through Week 890 (except for Week 844, which was the same contest for the previous year). The only restriction? You can't send more than 25 entries total. Yes, normal people, we realize that's not much of a restriction for you. Inveterate Losers, just live with it. You may refer to events that have occurred since the contest was published; for contests that ask you to use The Post from a certain day or week, use today's or this week's. For Week 850, don't write poems about people who died in 2010, since we'll be asking you for those soon. You can find all the contests at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a bottle of "Valerie Flame Hot Sauce," given to us long ago by Reliable Source gossip columnist Amy Argetsinger. And we'll throw in some genuine Splat brand toothpaste from Russia ("Dream" flavor) courtesy of Loser Dean Meservy. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 22. Put "Week 894" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Dec. 11. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Peter Jenkins. the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Report from Week 890, in which we asked you to combine the names of two professional sports teams (of whatever sports) and describe the result. Many of you combined the Green Bay Packers with the Miami Heat to produce Packing Heat, a new name for the Wizards. The winner of the Inker Montreal Canadiens + Oakland Raiders = The Cander, a team that rarely plays in Washington -- especially in even-numbered years. (Keith Maynard, Annapolis, a First Offender) 2. the winner of the knickknack of a cow standing on a gondola and wearing a gondolier costume: New York Yankees + Vancouver Canucks = The NYucks, featuring the great double-play trio of Larry to Curly to Moe. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) 3. Chicago Bears + Washington Redskins = The Bearskins: Every week, they lie there and let another team walk all over them. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) 4. Atlanta Falcons + Boston Celtics = The Falics, the team with the most embarrassing costumed mascot. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) More sportmanteaux: Honorable mentions San Jose Earthquakes + Chicago Fire = Earth Fire, a soccer team that plays well only when the wind is with them. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Montreal Expos + Oakland Athletics = The Expos-A's: The steroids, the point shaving, the arrests -- now it can all be told! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) St. Louis Blues + Los Angeles Clippers = The Bluepers, a team that never wins but whose game films are a riot. (Jeff Seigle, Vienna) Charlotte Bobcats + Florida Marlins = The Boblins, an ill-fated baseball team managed by Bill Buckner. (George Vary, Bethesda) Chicago Fire Soccer Club + Pittsburgh Pirates = Socrates, a team whose "Gatorade" is best avoided. (Gary Crockett) Chicago Blackhawks + Washington Redskins = The Blackskins -- what, NOW you're offended? (Jeff Seigle; Ward Kay, Vienna; Phil Wilbur, Arlington, a First Offender) Phoenix Mercury + Tulsa Drillers = The Hg Wells: Their defense is so bad that they call them the Invisible Men. (Brendan Beary) Los Angeles Clippers + Houston Rockets = The Mohels, who always get the tip-off. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Philadelphia 76ers + Utah Jazz = 76 Trombones: Oh, they got Trouble, with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for performance-enhancing drugs! (Brendan Beary) Carolina Panthers + New York Yankees = The Pant Yanks: Its players have an embarrassing habit of adjusting themselves on TV. (George Vary) Dallas Cowboys + Nashville Predators = The Boy-Predators, a team whose games are shown on "Dateline NBC." (Ira Allen) Indianapolis Colts + Buffalo Bills = Indi-Buff: No helmets, no pads, no uniforms. (Howard Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) Minnesota Twins + Colorado Rockies = The Twinkies: Their defense is rarely successful (probably because they're soft in the middle). (John Winant, Bellevue, Neb.) Detroit Pistons + San Francisco Giants = The PisAnts, a team of fired lawyers who stop every play to challenge the decisions. (Maggie Lawrence, Culpeper, Va.) Los Angeles Rams + New York Yankees = The Los Kees: Locked out of the playoffs again this year. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Chicago White Sox + Boston Red Sox = The Pink Sox: Just agitate them and they'll run like mad. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Pittsburgh Penguins + Phoenix Coyotes = The Peyotes, who give new meaning to the term "road trip." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Los Angeles Lakers + New York Islanders = The Los Angeles Islanders: They changed their name in anticipation of the Big One. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) New York Mets + Toronto Maple Leafs: The New Leafs, a team that commits far too many turnovers. (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Md.) Baltimore Orioles + Philadelphia Phillies: The MoreLies, a team that's guaranteed to be much, much better next year. (Jim Lubell) Chicago White Sox + Albuquerque Isotopes = The Nerds, whose quarterback always has pocket protection. (Kevin Dopart) El Centro Imperials + Washington Freedom = Impeedom: Top defense in the league. (Kevin Dopart) Detroit Pistons + New York Knickerbockers = The Pistonknickers, a Little Little League team. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Brewers + Patriots: Brewiots, a bunch of drunken losers. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y) Kansas City Chiefs + Cleveland Indians = The Mismanagers: They'd have a better record, but there are too many Kansas City players. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington) Phoenix Mercury + Minnesota Twins = The Phoe-Mer Twins: Best legs in the league. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Next week: Mirror, mirror, and vice versa ====================================================================== WEEK 895, published November 20, 2010 Week 895: Picture this We knew that the word-palindrome contest of Week 891 would be one of our most challenging ever, and so the Empress figured (correctly, as usual) that she'd finally have space in the paper to run these Bob Staake masterpieces at a somewhat legible size four weeks later. This week: Supply a caption for any of these cartoons. Please designate them by the given letter, since we may well have no idea what you're getting at, the weird way you think. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an aerosol can of Prof. Putznik's World-Famous [Word Beginning With B and Meaning Nonsense] Repellent, discourtesy of Genuine Washington Post Editor Lynn Medford, a straight-talking (though comically Southern-talking) journalist who will never nonsense you. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 29. Put "Week 895" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Dec. 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Report from Week 891, In which we asked you to create word-palindrome sentences -- that is, sentences in which the first and last word were the same, the second and next-to-last, etc. To make things a weensy bit easier, and to allow for more humor, we allowed the mirroring words to be homophones of each other, as in "way" and "weigh," or even more creative sound-alikes, such as the one for "Miss Tennessee" below. We also decided that "a sentence" could be as many sentences as we liked. We knew this would be a killer contest. On the other hand, we also knew that we had had many killer contests in the past -- and we're not dead yet. Once again, the Losers get it done, backward and forward. Also not surprisingly, they showed great interest in the texting adventures of quarterback Brett Favre. The winner of the inker Quoth Raven: "Nevermore!" . . . BLAM! . . . Nevermore Raven quoth. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda) 2: "You have two mothers. The telling test: telling the mothers to halve you. -- Solomon (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) 3: Burning with desire ended badly: ended desire, with burning. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) 4: "Ew, junk mail. Of male junk??! Ewwwww." -- Brett Favre's text-receiver Jenn Sterger (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Either way, they lose: Honorable mentions Miss Tennessee? I see a 10, miss! (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Boy drops by, says: "Girl, size matters." Sighs girl. Says "Bye!" Drops boy. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) "Americans' all-out war wore out all Americans." - 22nd-century Afghan historian (Gary Crockett) Sign you're asking her pointlessly: her asking your sign. (Elwood Fitzner) Home, childhood of comfort and security . . . then, confident and successful, not frustrated and scared . . . then (mom and dad proud!) graduation . . . then college . . . then graduation (proud dad and mom!) . . . then, scared and frustrated, not successful and confident . . . then, security and comfort of childhood home. (Lennie Magida, Potomac) "Hello, please apologize. You can, no? Say, 'No can.' You apologize, please? Hello?? - Ginni Thomas (Kevin Dopart) "Can a lone, kindly Marine kindly loan a can?" - Jon Stewart rally participant in a long potty line. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) I waives the rules and rules the waves, aye! - Capt. Jack Sparrow (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) A man, a fridge: Amana. (Chris Doyle) Is stuff you're texting as effective as texting your stuff is? - B. Favre (Elwood Fitzner) I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I . . . Can I think? Aiiiii . . . - The Little Engine Who Got Distracted by a Moment of Existential Awareness and Plummeted Down a Mountain (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria) Tie a knot, not a tie. - Naval Recruitment Command (Kevin Dopart) Often as not, making love well means, well, "love-making" not as often. (Chris Doyle) Circularly logical was I because I was logical circularly. (Craig Dykstra) "Diner," "Psycho," "Jaws," "Duck Soup," "Grease," "Meatballs," "Shampoo," "Big": great movies. Great big shampoo meatballs, grease soup, duck jaws: psycho diner. (Kevin Dopart) Why am I celebrating? I am why!" - D. Trump (Beverley Sharp) Gaga, meet my meat. Gaga? - Brett Favre, sent from my iPhone (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) Next week: Get a move on, or Giggle Maps ====================================================================== WEEK 896, published November 27, 2010 Week 896: Other people's business 1. Starbucks 2. A police department 3. FedEx Field 4. A preschool 5. L'Oreal cosmetics 6. A nuclear-waste disposal site 7. An adult bookstore 8. A law firm 9. "Dancing With the Stars" 10. A street-corner hot dog vendor 11. The tea party 12. The Democratic Party Here's a contest we debuted last year, with different elements. This week: Describe what might happen if any of the above institutions (a) were run by an institution of your choice or (b) ran an institution of your choice. Your choice may be an institution from the list, too. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this handsome decal: the ultimate window dressing for a Style Invitational Loser's vehicle of choice - and it coordinates so well with a few loser magnets on the trunk lid. Made of vinyl and about five inches square, it goes on the outside of the glass and so can be stuck onto most other places as well. The Empressmobile is definitely going to get one of these. Donated by Craig Dykstra. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 6. Put "Week 896" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Dec. 25, since you'll have nothing else to do that day. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Report from Week 892, in which we asked you to suggest moving something from one location to another. This contest brought out a lot of what we call screedy entries: politically passionate and often nasty, but not very funny. Then again, they were sent during election week, a time to test even a Loser's sense of humor. The winner of the Inker Every summer, move Abraham Lincoln's chair down the steps so he can dip his feet in the Reflecting Pool. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) 2. Move the Washington Monument to Yellowstone National Park right in front of Old Faithful. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3. Switch the Inner and Outer loops of the Beltway, so that politicians will technically be telling the truth about their "outside-the-Beltway" mentality. (Danny Bravman, Chicago) 4. Move down the R in the vertical NPR banner outside its D.C. offices so they can insert a letter and make it "NO PR." (Beverley Sharp, Washington) The shift list: honorable mentions Spin Wyoming around 180 degrees just to see how long it takes before anyone notices. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Install "The Awakening" in Giants Stadium, in memory of Jimmy Hoffa. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Move the White House to Kenya; then Barack Obama couldn't be president because he wasn't born there. (John Holder, Charlotte) Reunite the Longaberger basket company headquarters with the "shopping bag building" in Tysons Corner. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) First you need one of those robot submarine things, and then go down and literally rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic. ( Russell Beland) Move the Earth a little farther north so it won't be affected by global warming. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Redeploy U.S. forces from Afghanistan to Detroit, to build schools and provide security. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) I'd move our right arms to the left sockets and vice versa, so we could scratch our own backs without awkward, expensive appurtenances such as back-scratchers and spouses. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Move guys' brains inside their skulls. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Move the location of each Metro escalator step at a steady rate - a rate that's not zero, for once. (Kevin Dopart) Move the Egyptian pyramids to the U.S.-Mexico border and arrange them right side up, upside down, right side up . . . (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) For added irony, move the Arc de Triomphe from Paris to a country that has gone even longer without triumph - hmm, how about Carthage. (Russell Beland) Say, is there anything left of the Berlin Wall? If so, could they please move it to Yuma? - Gov. J. Brewer (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Move spy Anna Chapman back to the United States so she may be properly held. Not necessarily for questioning. (Jeff Contompasis) Move Niagara Falls to Bethesda - no, wait, WSSC did that two years ago. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Slide the White House 10 1/2 blocks east - to 666 Pennsylvania Ave., where it belongs. - G. Beck (Chris Doyle) Move an Egyptian pyramid up against the Leaning Tower of Pisa. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Switch the names and statuses of Wyoming and Washington, D.C., so that Wyoming's 544,000 residents get the great prestige of living in the nation's capital and D.C.'s 600,000 residents get two senators and a real House representative. (Michael Reinemer, Annandale) Move Donald Trump's cheese. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Move the Manassas battlefield to Capitol Hill, where the battles of bull run daily. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Move the center of the universe to [address of arrogant, egotistical relative/co-worker]. (David D. Johnson, Alexandria) Move the Ground Zero mosque 2 1/2 blocks away so its name is like, you know, accurate. (Chris Doyle) Move the Spy Museum to an undisclosed location. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) Next week: Give us a hint, or The wee-tale market ====================================================================== WEEK 897, published December 4, 2010 Week 897: Catch their drift "Complete auto care starts with our $17.99 oil change." Plain English: "For only $17.99, we'll tell you that you need new shocks, struts, brakes, exhaust system, valve cover gaskets, water pump, CV joints, wiper blades and, of course, tires." - Russ Taylor, Week 729 honorable mention, 2007 People who talk to The Washington Post, or advertise in The Washington Post, or occasionally even write for The Washington Post, sometimes are a bit less than brutally honest when they explain things. Sometimes it's willful obfuscation; sometime it's just being civil. Bah to all that. Calling all brutes once again: Take any sentence from an article or an ad in The Washington Post or washingtonpost.com from Dec. 3 to Dec. 13 and translate it into "plain English," or otherwise snarkily explain what it "really" means, as in the example above from when we did this contest before. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets - just in time to be too late for Thanksgiving and Christmas - this dashing hat in the style of a turkey carcass, modeled here by Rylan Gottron of Fort Washington. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 13. Put "Week 897" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Jan. 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by Tom Witte. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 893, in which we asked you to write humorous stories of 25 words or fewer, Some of you were much looser than we were about what constituted a story, sending in basically a bunch of one-liners that each featured a pun or little observation. The Czar of The Style Invitational (Ret.), after being shown these and some other entries, ever so haughtily pronounced the top winners excellent but declared he could outdo the others in five minutes. We leave that for you to decide: "She moaned, he gasped, time stopped. Sinew met softness in that sweet, screamless surrender from which new life arises, in this case Bernie Madoff." The winner of the Inker Hanoi, 1969: General Nguyen asked the colonel, "How can we use the prisoner to defeat America from within?" Ha replied, "I have an idea." -- "The Wasillan Candidate" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) 2. the winner of the U.S.A. vs. Commies play set: "The gimmick is that Bruce Willis is dead for the whole movie." "Oh, great, thanks a lot. Well, I slept with your wife." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 3. Years after the senseless tragedy that took her children's lives, she told her tale: "Captain Sullenberger .?.?." Mother Goose began, to a chorus of boos. (Bruce Harris, Scotch Plains, N.J, a First Offender) 4. He viewed the ad as a challenge: Four hours -- nothing! Eventually his girlfriend called the Guinness people. Days later, he called the doctor. (Vytas V. Vergeer, Washington) More's the pithy: honorable mentions "I know President Obama would love my book," he thought. "But how can I get him a copy?" (Fil Feit, Annandale) . . . With One Stone While his wife nagged, Abner prayed under the stars: Lord, remove wife and debt. A meteorite killed her. It sold big on eBay. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Leslie Johnson was puzzled when Jack gave her a bra four sizes too large. Anyway, she'd really hoped for an ankle bracelet. (Marleen May, Rockville) No Joy in Melville Ricky didn't mind detention this week. The assignment was to read "Bartleby the Scrivener." He chose not to. (Frank Byrns, Laurel, a First Offender) Samuel Adams urged on the rebellious colonists as they threw the tea overboard. "A perfect plan," he thought. "Now they'll drink more beer." (Harvey Smith, McLean) Janine had always been a supporter of organic, cage-free practices. But this time her egg donor was not getting away. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) With Apologies to Fredric Brown The last man on Earth sat alone in a room, playing his Xbox 360. He ignored the knock on the door. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) He told his wife that he was working late. He actually was working late. D.C. can be so boring. (Harvey Smith, McLean) Short Story An event transpired that created a problem. Conflict ensued for our hero. Eventually a solution was found. Our hero grew from this experience. The end. (Dixon Wragg) With his severed tongue now in her hand, Oliver knew both of them would never say they're sorry. (Kevin Dopart) Let's see: Merkowski . . . Murkofski . . . Murkowsky . . . Lisa? Liza? Before the Merkowski, or after it with a comma? All caps, or lowercase? . . . God, it's cold . . .(Tom Murphy, Bowie) "Nobody loves a fat girl," Becky lamented as the wagons moved up the snowy gap. - "Donner Party Blues" (Jeff Brechlin) Field Trip "Boys and girls, this is the world's largest, best-preserved Gigantisaurus egg." "Wow!" "Cool!" "Long ago - you have a question?" "How come it's cracking?" (Nancy Israel, Bethesda) "Your brownies are delicious," Harry's co-worker said. "Beats stealing your lunch," another added. They all laughed. In four to six hours, Harry would laugh last. (Lawrence McGuire) Grandpa Phil Tells Us How He Took Out the Trash That Day (A True Story) "I put it into designah shopping bags with nice tissue paper . . . left 'em in a mall pahkin' lot . . . an' sat in my cah. An' watched." (Daria Panichas, Philadelphia, a First Offender) "Stop flailing! I've got your wrist and won't let go!" she shouted, frantic to pull him back aboard."That's not my wrist!"(Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) November is National Novel Writing Month: "I'll write the great American novel," he declares. His goal: 50,000 words. Stops at 25. He gets published, though. (Ward Kay, Vienna) Next week: Look back in Inker, or Wry, wry again ====================================================================== WEEK 898, published December 11, 2010 Week 898: Pre-current events Feb. 13: Lady Gaga shocks the Grammy Awards audience by appearing in a knee-length navy blue coatdress from Sears. There will undoubtedly be no shortage of ridiculous news items that will help the Greater Loser Community satiate the gaping maw of Style Invitational contests throughout next year. But why wait for them? Let's just make our own, ahead of time. This week: Predict some humorous news event that would happen in 2011, as in the example above. Which is by 41-time Loser Malcolm Fleschner, who writes his own weekly humor column, Culture Shlock, which appears in several California newspapers and online. And every January, Malcolm offers up his predictions for the coming year, none of which, yet, has come true. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the fabulous Pointless Calendar, a big wall-hung thing featuring, for each month, a large photo of something boring, like a piece of asphalt, as well as the "calendar" part that includes a handy 40 days per month (but no days of the week). We guarantee that this this calendar will never ever go out of date. Donated by the similarly dateless Loser Brendan Beary. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 20. Put "Week 898" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Jan. 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by Kevin Dopart. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Report from Week 894, in which we invited you to enter (or reenter) almost any of the year's previous contests, using the current newspaper in contests that asked for plays on that week's headlines. It's amazing how many contests were just perfect for humor about airport pat-downs and money in bras. Given the space limitations of the print page, most of the long-form Losing entries, such as song parodies and Venn diagrams, appear at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The winner of the Inker Week 855, poems on the news: A Double Tactile Gribbedy grabbedy, Airport security Fondles my stuff in an Intimate way. Many object to this Microanalysis; Sadly for me it's the Height of my day.(Craig Dykstra, Centreville) 2 winner of the Valerie Flame Hot Sauce plus the Splat brand Russian toothpaste: Week 872, combine the beginnings of someone's first and last name: Ruslim: A worshiper of an intolerant, hateful deity. (John Holder, Charlotte) 3 Week 847, a question that a sentence in that week's Post might answer: A. I could see if I had done something wrong. Q. So, how would you know if your plan to punish yourself succeeded, Oedipus? (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 4 Week 885, a bank headline under an actual Post headline: Head: Panel calls for federal workers' sacrifice Bank: Tickets go on sale tomorrow (Mike Braton, Alexandria, a First Offender) Once more with failing: honorable mentions Week 843, the line preceding a famous line of literature: ZIIIIIIIIP.Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village, though . . . (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Week 847, questions for Post sentences: A. She sighs and drops her head. Q. I hear you're playing Marie Antoinette in the school play - what does your character do? (Russell Beland) Week 848, rhopalic sentences, in which each successive word is one letter longer: So Joe, only you're having trouble spelling Murkowski. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Week 849, homonym neologisms: Midknight: Where the jouster's lance stopped. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) Week 852, reverse rhopalic sentences: Fundraiser announced; Johnsons mistype invite, offer "cash bra." (Craig Dykstra) Week 860 Define someone or something in exactly 10 words: Benjamin Netanyahu: In any conflict, depend on him to make a settlement. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Week 870, Ask Backward: questions to match phrases we supplied: A. Avoid these potty training missteps. Q. What is the subtitle of the parents' guide "Turn the Other Cheek"? (Bernhard Saxe, Springfield) Week 871, slightly altered movie titles: Center the Dragon: Bruce Lee takes up yoga. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Snakes on a Panel: Executives from Lehman Brothers, BP and Halliburton testify before Congress on the need for easing government restrictions. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington, a First Offender) Three Men Sand a Baby: A home improvement project goes horribly wrong. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Up in the Hair: Lice in Wonderland. (Craig Dykstra) Week 885, bank headlines: Post headline: Democratic strategists ready to take page from GOP playbook Bank head: Pelosi, Hoyer call Obama a foreign-born socialist traitor (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Wizards fade in follow-up 'Deathly Hallows Part 2' deemed anticlimactic (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Week 886, palindrome neologisms: Junknuj: The TSA's first line of defense. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Next week: Picture this, or Dada mining Picking our nos: More honorable mentions from Week 894 of the Style Invitational In Week 894, we invited you to submit entries to almost any of the previous year's contests. There wasn't a lot of room for long-form results, such as song parodies, in the print Post, so here are some more honorable mentions. Week 855, poems based on the news: O come, O come home, Rahm Emanuel, And save Chicago from financial hell. We're glad to hear you'll nix a tax increase; (If only your profanity would cease.) (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Week 843, the line preceding a famous line of writing: I am the Washington Redskins and . . . It's getting to the point where I'm no fun anymore. I am sorry. Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud . . . (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Why did the manager of the Seattle baseball team pull his pitcher? It is an ancient Mariner and he stoppeth one of three. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Week 845, new definitions for readers' neologisms from earlier contests: Frostitute: Hoar. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Week 847, a question that could be answered by a sentence in The Post: A. Among her responsibilities were marketing, public relations, financial management and staff development. Q. How does her resume deal with her having worked in a brothel for three years? (Russell Beland, Fairfax) A. Talk about setting a low bar. Q. Grumpy, what do you plan to do with Dopey at Snow White's wedding reception? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Week 851, "downsize" a title: "West Side Tweet": Riff dies. Bernardo dies. Tony dies. Maria cries. (Craig Dykstra) Week 855, poems about the news: Airport security: yikes, what a mess! Passengers claiming all sorts of distress. Just about everyone -- kid, woman, man -- Wants to abstain from the full body scan. (Aside from the fact that it isn't attractive, Fliers don't want to be radioactive.) As for the pat-down, the outcry is big: "Keep your fat hands off my thingamajig!" Travelers think it is breaking the rules For strangers to mess with the family jewels. As jackets come off, and the hat, and the sandal, People keep flying -- right off of the handle. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Week 855 AND Week 877, limericks including one specified line (Line 4 here): Ms. Johnson's inflection got snotty When the cop planned on searching her body. Would he find what she had? She said, "Never, you cad, 'Cause I flushed all that stuff down the potty." (Beverley Sharp) Week 864, spoonerism neologisms: Clunear: Causing an even hotter reaction. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Week 867, "grandfoals": Shiver Me Timbers x Take the Fifth = Davy Jones' Liquor (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Liquidity Event x Ad Infinitum = From Beer to Eternity (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) Week 869, reverse crossword: GRR: Grrl, interrupted (Jeff Contompasis) Week 871, slightly altered movie titles: Boyz N the Mood: Peace comes at last to South Central in this modern-day retelling of "Lysistrata." (Nancy Schwalb, Washington, a First Offender) Jurassic Ark: After 40 days and 40 nights, only one predator remains . . . (William Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio, a First Offender) Deep Threat A dirty movie about a British oil company that goes down too far. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) "True Liesl": The eldest von Trapp daughter is secretly a government agent. (Craig Dykstra) Week 879, Venn/Euler diagrams: By Russell Beland By Ward Kay, Vienna Week 877, rhyming couplets about the news: "Sold!" slams the gavel, and the thrilled crowd hurrahs. At 69 million bucks, it's not a vase, it's a vahs. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Newly elected Rep. Andy Harris (R-Md.): "I'm opposed to the Dems' redistribute-our-wealth plan; But first," Harris asks, "Where's my government health plan?" (Chris Doyle) Week 882, limericks featuring dr- words: Just before le docteur pulled the plug Pierre gave his pet chicken a hug. With cholesterol soaring, The tears came a-pouring He lamented, "Ah, l'oeuf was my drug." (Brian Cohen, Potomac) Week 885, bank headlines based on real Post headlines: Post head: Friedgen has become Maryland institution Bank head: Coach deemed fat enough to be own campus (Ira Allen, Bethesda; Craig Dykstra) Vomiting got only worse as time went on Watching Eagles game film proves gut-wrenching for Redskins (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Jessica Simpson, NFL player Johnson engaged 'In time I'll grow to love the rest of him too,' she promises (Gary Crockett) Real southern exposure for Va. class William & Mary seminar institutes "pants-optional" dress code (Beverley Sharp) Getting a leg up on D.C. Council Dog park patrons participate in legislative markup session (Kevin Dopart) Inspector general challenged in hearing Inability to see evil or speak evil already confirmed (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Week 876, song parodies about the Gulf of Mexico oil spill: (To "Summertime")Profit time -- your forgivin' came easy. Wells are pumpin', and gas prices are high. Your execs are rich, your commercials are cookin'. So hush little BP, don't you cry. One of these mornings, we're gonna wise up, thinkin': "Let's drive electric cars, let's give solar a try." And when that morning finally makes its dawning, Farewell, little BP, it's bye-bye. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) (To "Let It Be") When I find myself in tides of tar balls, Bobby Jindal comforts me: We'll have reimbursement from BP. And when the well's still leaking, Who will set the plug below the sea? Obama has the answer: Let BP . . . (Howard Stevens, Alexandria) ====================================================================== WEEK 899, published December 18, 2010 Week 899: Clue us in It's another backward crossword, this one constructed especially for the Style Invitational by Bob Klahn, who's become a Loser in his own right. The words are already in the grid; send us funny, clever clues for any of them. The clues don't have to be as brief as real clues, but they can't be really long. Please say which word the clue is for; don't just write "36 Down." See the results of our last crossword contest by clicking here. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two rolls of ornately monogrammed toilet paper - one with a fancy S and one with a fancy I that looks more like a J - ordered specially for the Style Invitational by Loser Edward Gordon. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 27. Put "Week 899" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Jan. 15. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by John O'Byrne. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Report from week 895, in which we asked you to write captions for any of these Bob Staake cartoons (click on the slideshow above to see them). We could sometimes tell which Losers saw the contest online rather than in the print Post; in the paper, the flag in Cartoon D had been accidentally cut off. Too many people suggested that for the dog in Cartoon B, his barf was worse than his bite. The winner of the Inker: Cartoon A: One of the famed Yellow Rhos of Texas. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) 2) Winner of the spray can of Prof. Putznik's World-Famous [Word Beginning With B and Meaning Nonsense] Repellent: Cartoon D: "Hey, Sarah," Lisa Murkowski taunts, "I can see Washington from the Potomac!" (Howard Walderman, Columbia) 3) Cartoon A: President Obama's attempted compromise between the D's and the R's was completely symbolic. (Danny Bravman, Chicago) 4) Cartoon B: Though it's a loving and loyal pet, adoption rates for the Pit Bulimic remain low. (Dion Black, Washington; Larry Yungk, Arlington; Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) A toon for the worse: Honorable mentions CARTOON A Arthur Dimmesdale's proctologist was actually rather proud. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Joe decides to keep the "p" he received even though he specifically ordered a "d." (Dave Prevar, or pave drevar, Annapolis) This picture is clearly fictitious: No man looks directly at you while taking a P. (John Kupiec, Fairfax) Seeking to draw tourists from Stockholm, the Orno, Sweden, Chamber of Commerce hit upon a novel solution. (Russell Taylor, Vienna) Jon Stewart hires a man to sabotage the marquee sign for Rick Sanchez's appearance. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Harold, ever the romantic, continues to search for a gal with a "V." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Nancy ensured there'd be no secret balloting for House minority leader. (Kevin Dopart) It's nice that the Postal Service still is hiring letter carriers. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Even though the G and the O never made it to the rally, Fred bravely stood by his commitment to hold his letter and lean to the right. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Pat Sajak is caught stealing from work. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) CARTOON B Nick Park thought he'd never make it as an animator after the failure of his first effort, "Wallace and Vomit." (Russell Beland, Fairfax) And on the third day, Dog created earth. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) DNA analysis showed Loogie to be a bluetick-spitz mix. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Even when you only have a decade to live, a pack a day is a bad idea. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) CARTOON C Chauncey attempts to break the world record for largest document ever erased with a nose. (Craig Dykstra) Cosmo was not impressed by the portability of the first-generation iPad. (Arlee Green, Las Cruces, N.M.) Father was not pleased to find out that Aladdin had borrowed the family carpet without refilling the magic. (Barry Koch) Mr. Whipple wasn't as successful in selling the new Unspeakably Stiff Charmin. (Chris Doyle) CARTOON D The Giant Wiggly Cucumber proves the most popular ride at the Camp Fire Girls' Fourth of July Fair. (Bird Waring) The U.S. entry in the green-vehicle competition proved to have some design flaws. (Anne Morgan, Fairfax) Lois found that the needleless cacti gave a much smoother ride. (Roy Ashley, Washington; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Next week: Other people's business, or Mixed company ====================================================================== WEEK 900, published December 25, 2010 Week 900: Dear us! Dear Obama: They're just so hard to please, aren't they? - Sincerely, Bush Dear Y: Commit already! - Sincerely, A, E, I, O and U Dear America: Due to the current financial restraints, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice. - Sincerely, The Government On this day of giving, and in this last Invite of the year, the Empress is pleased to poach from Dear Blank Please Blank, a Web site to which some very clever and some not very clever people submit, anonymously, very brief "letters" of the form "Dear [Blank], [Funny thing.] Sincerely, [Blank]," as in the recent examples above. This week: Submit such a "Dear Blank" letter to us instead. The body of the letter should run no more than 30 words, unless a few more words will turn it into an astonishingly brilliant and hilarious display of wit. Do not post your entries on the actual site until after our results appear online on Jan. 21, or else we'll assume you stole them. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives something you'll wish you got for Christmas: this handsome corrugated-steel necktie intended for use as a musical washboard. It makes quite a spirited rattle with the aid of the two thimbles included, as the Empress discovered upon trying it out in a restaurant. Donated by Russell Beland. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 3. Put "Week 900" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Sunday, Jan. 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Roy Ashley. This week's contest was suggested by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 896, in which we asked what would happen if one institution on a list we supplied were run by another one on the list, or by an organization of your choice: The winner of the Inker If an adult bookstore ran FedEx Field, under every seat would be a brown paper bag to be worn on the ride home. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) 2 winner of the Intel-style "Loser Inside" decal: If "Dancing With the Stars" ran a preschool, even the most awkward student could survive Musical Chairs, if enough people liked her mom. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) 3 If a police department ran a preschool, toddlers would be cuffed at naptime if they resisted a rest. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 4 If the TSA ran L'Oreal Cosmetics, they could tell you how to cover that birthmark on your inner thigh. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Merge with caution: Honorable mentions If the Department of Defense ran a preschool, each child would receive a development plan after a five-year approval process. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) If Prince George's County liquor stores ran the police department . . . Okay, if they ran the department better, maybe the FBI wouldn't have gotten involved. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Were a college English department to run Starbucks, it would be called Starbuck's. (Jeff Contompasis) If Starbucks were run by the U.S. Marine Corps, the 87,000 possible combinations would be reduced to two - coffee or no coffee - and whichever option you chose, you would be given the other and told to like it. (Col. Drew Bennett, USMC, Ret.) If an adult bookstore ran a preschool, the pop-up books would be far more educational. (Larry Yungk) If the Three Stooges ran L'Oreal Cosmetics, they could still use "Three Blind Mice" as the theme song. (Kevin Dopart) If FedEx ran FedEx Field, then you could be absolutely, positively sure you would get home overnight. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) If the tea party ran Starbucks, it would balance the company's budget by not charging sales tax. (Joe Godles, Bethesda, a First Offender) If WikiLeaks ran the tea party, a Mad Hater would be in charge. (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) If Barnes & Noble ran an adult bookstore, sales would skyrocket for its Nook e-reader. (Jeff Contompasis) If a preschool ran an SAT prep class, you'd know you were in Bethesda. (Kevin Dopart) If Kim Jong Il ran FedEx Field, it would still be a petty dictatorship with more media attention than threat potential. (Kevin Dopart) If Disney Studios ran FedEx Field, the players might be more animated. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) If the Bowl Championship Series ran an adult bookstore, no Texas Christians would be allowed in. (Joel Cockrell, Damascus) If an adult bookstore ran TSA, the pat-downs could be self-administered. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) If the Democratic Party ran FedEx field, the Redskins would face a turnover only once every two years. (Danny Bravman, Chicago) If the tea party ran Dairy Queen, it would change the name to Dairy Deviant. (Roy Ashley, Washington) If the Marine Corps ran a hot dog vendor, the hot dogs would cost $3,000, but their buns would be hard as steel. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) If the Democratic Party ran L'Oreal Cosmetics, it would create a new line of lipstick for pigs, just to prove its argument. (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) If the Democratic Party ran the Republican National Committee, it would keep Michael Steele. (Kevin Dopart) If a police department were run by Amazon.com, when someone was arrested for breaking and entering, he'd be asked if he'd also like to be arrested for trespassing, robbery and possession of stolen goods. (Drew Bennett) If the TSA ran an adult bookstore the staffers would quickly become bored, having seen much better stuff at work. (Gary Crockett) If L'Oreal Cosmetics ran an adult bookstore, the bestsellers would be filled with makeup sex. (Chris Doyle) If WikiLeaks ran FedEx Field, it would pre-publish the Redskins' Sunday game plans, which opponents apparently have access to anyway. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) If The Washington Post ran FedEx Field, it would combat sagging fan loyalty and weak ticket sales with early retirement of its best players and by showing all the games online for free. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Next week: Catch their drift, or A snide-angle lens ====================================================================== WEEK 901, published January 1, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 901 Dead letters By The Empress Saturday, January 1, 2011; Edwin Newman, grammarian: Edwin Newman past away But if he would of seen this rhyme, He'd of crawled right out of his dark grave And died a second time. On this first day of 2011, we pause a moment to look back at those we lost in 2010 - and to write funny poems about them. It's our eighth annual Dead Letters (or Post Mortems) contest: Write a humorous poem about someone who died in 2010, as in the example above by Washington Post Resident Elegist-in-Doggerel Gene Weingarten. It doesn't have to rhyme, though good rhymes tend to be funny. Short poems are more likely to get ink in the print paper, but especially good longer ones will get virtual ink on washingtonpost.com. Song parodies are not forbidden. There are many lists of "notable deaths 2010" and such online. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Flarp Noise Maker, a little nothing machine the size of a yo-yo on which you push buttons to create various electronic noises, ranging from froglike to sick cat. The whole thing sounds kind of anemic, actually. Donated quietly by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 10. Put "Week 901" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Jan. 30. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Brendan Beary; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Report from Week 897, in which we asked you to "translate" a sentence appearing in The Post into "plain English"; we also allowed the occasional not-really-a-translation if it was funny enough. Funny can trump a lot in Invite Land. The winner of the Inker Sentence in The Post: "The positions the Obama administration is taking today are not the traditional positions of most Democrats." Plain English: They're trying out alternatives to "fetal." (Danny Bravman, Chicago) 2 the winner of the turkey carcass hat: "If you are out and about in a kilt, then remember to show some decorum." PE: And decorum is the only thing you'd better be showing. (Dion Black, Washington) 3 "Our biggest sweater sale of the year!" PE: "Nobody bought our sweaters!" (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) 4 Obama: "Our success depends on our willingness to engage in the kind of honest conversation and cooperation that hasn't always happened in Washington." PE: "We're doomed." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A B in PE: Honorable mentions "I'm absolutely a person who has not let ego run amok," Winfrey says. Plain English: ". . . as you will learn in this month's article about me in my personal magazine, O, and on several shows premiering on the Oprah Winfrey Network." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "We clearly have to continue to provide the message to the Afghan people about why we're here and what it is that we want to do," Petraeus said. PE: "Can somebody tell me why we're here and what it is that we want to do?" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Buy your next BMW with zero down, and no processing fee. PE: Please, please, for the love of God, buy one of our ^%&% cars! (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) This is a show about being a disaffected, emotionally scarred New Yorker. PE: This is a show about being a New Yorker. (Kevin Dopart) Richard Nixon, discussing various ethnic groups on a recently released tape: "I've just recognized that, you know, all people have certain traits. . . ." PE: Mine is that I'm a sleazy bigot. (Russell Beland, Fairfax; Nan Reiner, Alexandria) Obama: "As much as the political wisdom may dictate fighting over solving problems, it would be the wrong thing to do." PE: "There was no way I was going to win this fight." (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge) Rick Santorum: "Things are happening that maybe give me the impression that maybe I need to look at this seriously." PE: "For crying out loud, even I would make a better president than Sarah Palin!" (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) Despite a performance by helmet-haired tweener heartthrob Justin Bieber and pop star Katy Perry, this year's Grammy Nominations Concert plunged in the ratings. PE: Because of a performance by helmet-haired tweener heartthrob Justin Bieber and pop star Katy Perry. . . (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Friday's memo states that workers and contractors must "use government information technology systems in accordance with agency procedures so that the integrity of such systems is not compromised." PE: We thought we told you guys to lay off the porn. (Edward Gordon, Austin) Senators always have expected time to debate issues. PE: Senators always have expected time to debate nonissues. (Danny Bravman) The tax deal "offers the best prospect that was available for achieving the kind of escape velocity that we've been seeking for the past two years." PE: "We hope to escape being murdered in the next election." (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Redskins Coach Mike Shanahan: "I'm not exactly sure at this time exactly what we're going to do or what direction we're going to go." PE: "I'm exactly sure that we don't know how to win." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Washington football fans are a pretty sophisticated bunch. PE: Only the finest hog-snout masks will do. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Horoscope: What someone considers beautiful might not be your cup of tea, and that's something you can keep to yourself. PE: It's never a good idea to start a sentence with "Yo mama." (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Take any sentence from an article or an ad in The Washington Post or washingtonpost.com from Dec. 3 to Dec. 13 and translate it into "plain English." PE: Read vast sections of The Washington Post, especially the advertisements, extremely carefully for 10 straight days. (Michael Reinemer, Annandale) Next week: Clue us in, or Foretell it to the judge Unspun heroes: More 'plain English' from Week 897 of The Style Invitational Rep. Charles Rangel: "I leave here knowing that everyone knows I'm an honest guy." Plain English: "Everyone knows I'm no more crooked than most of you." (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) "We are looking for self-motivated individuals with lots of energy who enjoy working in a team environment." PE: "We are looking for desperate pushovers who'll put up with loads of crap for practically squat." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "If we did wear underwear, it would be made of, like, twigs," he said. PE: "Because, as a group, we're really stupid," he stopped short of saying. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 8 tablespoons (3 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature. PE: By "sticks of butter" we mean "sticks of butter one-third the size of real sticks of butter." (Kevin Dopart) (The recipe was later corrected to "12 tablespoons (1 ½ sticks).") Sign up to see what your friends recommend. PE: It beats talking to them. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Nationals General Manager Mike Rizzo: "Did we go an extra year and another $18 million beyond anybody else? Yeah, we did. I'm not ashamed." PE: "Hey, it's not my money." (Roy Ashley, Washington) "This is a one of a kind property and is obviously very secluded," the listing says [for the Unabomber's land in Montana]. PE: "This property is tailor-made for the discerning paranoid agoraphobic psychopath." (Nan Reiner) Columnist Michael Wilbon: "I can only hope, as I leave for my own personal gain with a full-time career with ESPN, that the men who shepherded my career don't regret granting all those opportunities over the years." PE: "Suckers!" (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) Cable industry executive Kyle McSlarrow: "A usage-based pricing model, for instance, might help spur adoption by price-sensitive consumers at the lower end of the socioeconomic ladder." PE: "We want poor people to spend more money on us." (Nan Reiner) Werth was undaunted by playing for Washington, in part because of a meeting with the Lerner family. PE: Werth liked the blank check. (George Vary, Bethesda) Car ad: Need a second chance? PE: Want to make the same mistake twice? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Columnist John Kelly: Several readers wrote in after Monday's column to say that they, too, had seen my beaver. PE: The censor-editors evidently had the day off yesterday. (Craig Dykstra) Mrs. Johnson traded a lifetime of anonymity for one moment of indelible notoriety. PE: One moment?!! Style Invitational entrants will be doing money-in-bra jokes for years! (Craig Dykstra) The headline for this supplement is by Kevin Dopart. ====================================================================== WEEK 902, published January 8, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 902: What's the good news? Friday, January 7, 2011; 12:27 PM Original: "The satellites veered off course and crashed near Hawaii." Spun English: "The satellites successfully entered a bathyspheric trajectory." A week ago we ran the results of our contest to take a sentence from The Post and "translate" it cynically into "Plain English." This week we ask you to do the opposite: Take any sentence, or substantive part of a sentence, or a headline, from an article or ad in The Washington Post or washingtonpost.com from Jan. 7 to Jan. 18 and make it sound more upbeat (or not so bad), as in the example above that Jeff Contompasis submitted as an "anti-Invitational" entry for Week 897. If there's anyone who should ace an obfuscation contest, it's a Washingtonian. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize receives this mugcelebrating the FBI-NYPD Joint Terrorist Task Force, depicting a cross between Boris Badenov and Spy vs. Spy, but with less subtlety. Donated by Loser Cheryl Davis. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 18. Put "Week 902" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Feb. 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by Kevin Dopart. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Brendan Beary. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 18. Put "Week 902" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Feb. 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by Kevin Dopart. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Brendan Beary. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 18. Put "Week 902" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Feb. 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by Kevin Dopart. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Brendan Beary. REPORT FROM WEEK 898. The Winner of the Inker April 11: President Obama begins a Rose Garden news conference by saying he loves spring and April is his favorite month. Bill O'Reilly fumes that Obama's clear hatred of December is part of the War on Christmas, while Glenn Beck ominously reminds his viewers that Hitler was born in April. (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel) 2 winner of the (appropriately) Pointless Calendar: March 15: WikiLeaks posts a classified document revealing that House Speaker John Boehner hides diced onions in his handkerchief. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 3 Feb. 6: At Super Bowl XLV, reporter Ines Sainz announces that she just received Brett Favre's colonoscopy pictures. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 4 Feb. 27: Julian Assange is avenged in Stockholm in hand-to-hand combat with the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Gross prophets: Honorable mentions Jan. 24: Rep. Michele Bachmann is removed from the Intelligence Committee when a vacancy occurs on the Stupidly Offensive Committee. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Jan. 25: In his State of the Union address, Obama pledges that by the end of the decade there will be a State of the Union pledge that we will put an American on Mars by the end of the decade. (Danny Bravman, Chicago) Feb. 15: On a visit to New York to meet with Wall Street moguls, House Speaker John Boehner embarrasses House Majority Leader Eric Cantor by ordering corned beef on white with mayonnaise at the Carnegie Deli. (Elliott B. Jaffa, Arlington, who last got ink 11 years ago) March 31: On the Nationals' opening day, Jayson Werth tears a hamstring in the fifth inning, is out for the season. (Mike Gips, Bethesda) April 1: Despite a slight breeze for most of the afternoon, not a single Pepco customer loses power. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) May 2: Albert Haynesworth buys a $2 lottery ticket and wins another $30 million. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) May 27: The Postal Service says it will deliver on Saturdays. Only. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) June 19: Tornado strikes Delaware; house falls on former Senate candidate. (Bob Dalton, Arlington) June 28: The summit of Mount Everest is closed for three days because of a bedbug infestation. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.) July 17: Congress is outraged after learning that the headquarters of the Society for Learned Debate is to be built within sight of Capitol Hill. (Larry Yungk, Arlington) Aug. 7: The refrigeration unit in Lady Gaga's closet breaks down, spoiling thousands of dollars' worth of USDA Prime clothing. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Aug. 15: Veteran Style Invitational Loser Chris Doyle accidentally employs amphibrachic meter in a limerick that clearly calls for anapestic trimeter. (Jeff Brechlin) Aug. 28: Facebook rolls out a feature that allows you to spy on your "friend" who always answers everything with "LOL," so you can see if he's really L-ing OL. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Sept. 9: Marine biologists express outrage after Michael Vick says he wants to own sea monkeys. (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) Sept. 24: A court decrees that Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc., may no longer be associated with the religiously derived word "holiday"; each will now be called a Federal Happy Day. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Oct. 13: Blackwater is awarded the Somalis' piracy contract. (Kevin Dopart) Oct. 30: Seeing no restoration of sanity since last year's event, Jon Stewart sets a more realistic goal with his Rally to Encourage Good Oral Hygiene. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Nov. 12: Victoria's Secret introduces the Leslie Johnson signature series bra, available in sizes 32¢ to 38¤¤. (Craig Dykstra) Dec. 24: With the Mayan-forecast end of the world (12-21-2012) now less than a year away, sales of extended warranties at Best Buy drop to zero. (Gary Crockett) Dec. 31: The Style Invitational once again avoids being a subject for its annual obit-poem contest. (Kevin Dopart) Next week: Clue us in, or Inking inside the box ====================================================================== WEEK 903, published January 15, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 903 Bill us now Saturday, January 15, 2011; Dold-Boozman-Carney Act to regulate Tilt-a-Whirl operators A congressional shake-up is swell news for the Invitational, since it means that we'll have plenty of freshmen's names to work with for our (usually) biennial "joint legislation" contest - beloved by many, behated by a few. This week: Combine the names of two or more new members of Congress as co-sponsors of a bill. See a list of the more than 100 new members (with pronunciations) at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of fabulous 5-by-7 charcoal-and-pastel prints of the four "Golden Girls" actresses in a lovely zombie motif, complete with white eyes and bloody mouths, drawn by Los Angeles artist Chuck Hodi. Donated by Denise Sudell of Cheverly, who asks to be identified as "a Loser groupie." Note: Starting with next week's Invite, we move back to Sundays after three-plus years on the Saturday shift. Find us on the back page of the new Sunday Style tabloid section, inside the Arts section, Jan. 23. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 24. Put "Week 903" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Feb. 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by Roy Ashley. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Pam Sweeney. Report from Week 899,in which we gave you a filled-in crossword grid and asked for creative clues. The Empress received thousands of entries for the 37 across-words and 37 downs; here are the best. Note that some of these clues require you to think flexibly; for example, the clue for TOO featuring Stedman has to be read as "To O." Bob Klahn, who constructed the crossword just for us, reviewed the entries below and thought the funniest was for OHOH, the cleverest for the MINIMALARIA combo. THE WINNER OF THE INKER 21 Down, MINIMAL: With 2 Down (ARIA), disease transmitted by tseensy flies. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2 ABBA: Hebrew for father and Swedish for pop (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) 3 PAYSCALE: So-Pay-Me-I've-No-Lat-te-Dough (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) 4 LEPEW: Where to put your derriere on Sunday (Michael Baker, Elkridge) Coming up Shortz: honorable mentions HARDC: Last three syllables from Michelle Rhee's mouth on her way out the door (Paul Burnham, Gainesville) ABBA: Blood type for Chang and Eng Bunker (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) TRIAL: Heene balloon destination (Kevin Dopart) TRIAL: For O.J., a Cochran-bull story (Barry Koch) OWOE: What Elmer Fudd exclaimed when he saw the caviar (Bern Saxe, Springfield) SLOB: Acronym for "several lunches on blouse" (Beverley Sharp, Washington) PALERMO: Udall compared with Vaughn (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) TEACAKE: Christine O'Donnell takes it (Tom Murphy, Bowie) TEACAKE: The "Girls of the Glenn Beck Rally" calendar (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) SAIDSO: What the fifth Von Trapp kid did (Danny Bravman, Chicago) TOKORI: Ancestral home of Lloyd, Beau and Jeff (John Shea, Philadelphia; Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) EMPRESS: Mars Co.'s candy-labeling machine (Kevin Dopart; Pie Snelson, Silver Spring; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) TOO: A kvetch's favorite word (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) TOO: Opening words of Stedman's love note (Chris Doyle, from a cruise ship off Cozumel, Mexico) PAYSCALE: The wages of fin (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) WHOWON: A question Washington fans rarely have to ask (many entrants) WHOWON: What happened at the U.N. intramural softball tournament (Gary Krist, Bethesda; Todd Carton, Wheaton) ARSON: Our boy the pyromaniac (Lindsay McClelland, Fairfax, a First Offender) ARSON: Directions for British toilet seat (Mark Barbour, Fairfax) LEANTOS: Diet corn chips (Edward Gordon, Austin) PLUG: Hair-brained idea (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick) PLUG: Gulp down the wrong way (Jeff Contompasis; Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) PERON: Juan or another (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) HIDEHO: Cab Calloway's favorite "working girl" (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) ACID: What a casino worker wears in New Jersey (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) ACID: El's more accomplished brother (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.; Peter Boice, Rockville) HORN: Naughty nurse (just about everyone sent this) HTTP: Letters that launched a thousand leaks (Jeff Loren, Manassas) TOETOTOE: Pre-electronic form of digital flirtation (Howard Walderman, Columbia) TOETOTOE: You may have to go this way if you can't see eye to eye (Steve Hoglund, Washington, who last got ink in 1997) ABSCOND: "Nice ____," said Hillary to her predecessor in the State Dept. gym (Nan Reiner) ABSCOND: To steal because you're in a crunch (Christopher Lamora) BROKE: Since the banks ain't this, we don't fix 'em (Kevin Dopart) SURREAL: Artsy people's term for "What the hell?" (Jeff Contompasis) LOLA: Highest grade awarded for a tweeted joke (Tom Murphy; Tom Panther, Springfield) PLEASEDO: How Molly Malone's lover felt when she cried, "Cockles and muscles!" (Nan Reiner) SAUDI: "Naw, tain't Volvo" (Craig Dykstra) SAUDI: He's at the top of the OPECking order (Chris Doyle) OHOH: What Santa says when he can't get back up the chimney (many entrants) Next week: Dear us, or Letters entertain you ====================================================================== WEEK 904, published January 23, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 904 We move on back Sunday, January 23, 2011; Ardiness: The state of being crowded into a small space. Elved: Dug a North Pole hole. After a 21/2-year residence in the Saturday paper, during which we could desecrate the Jewish Sabbath instead of the Christian one, the Style Invitational happily returns this week to Sundays with one more variation of our stock in trade: the neologism contest. This one, suggested by Malcolm Fleschner of Palo Alto, Calif., is pretty challenging, but the Empress trusts in the Powers of Loserdom to deliver. This week, as we move from one end of the week to the other: Move the first letter in a word or name to the end of that word and define the resulting word, as in Malcolm's own examples above. You may use it in a sentence if the sentence is drool-generatingly hilarious. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a set of "The Axis of Evil II" finger puppets from 2002, featuring not-bad-to-poor likenesses of John Ashcroft, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld; donated by Inge Ashley. Yes, we know, we know. And we are happy to accept the donation of the Steny Hoyer voodoo doll or whatever. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 31. Put "Week 904" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Feb. 20 (Feb. 18 online). No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Christopher Lamora. The honorable-mentions subhead was submitted separately by Kevin Dopart, Jeff Contompasis and Beverley Sharp. Report from Week 900, in which we asked for brief "Dear Blank" notes like those submitted anonymously to DearBlankPleaseBlank.com: The winner of the Inker Dear Leonardo: Your fly is open. - Sincerely, Mona Lisa ( Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2 Winner of the steel musical-washboard necktie: Dear President Lincoln: Please note change to "87" for conciseness. - Sincerely, Copy Editor (Beverley Sharp, Washington) 3 Dear Rap: Who's your agent? - Sincerely, Poetry (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) 4 Dear Andy Rooney: It's painful to watch your stale act every Sunday. A man should know when it is time to retire. Please make this season your last. - Sincerely, Brett Favre (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Near missives: Honorable mentions Dear Lindsay: Hold me, please! - Sincerely, Your Liquor (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Dear God: When I said, "What else could go wrong?" it was not an invitation to demonstrate Your creativity and sense of humor. - Murphy (Tony Arancibia, Vienna) Dear Vegas: Sure wish it really did stay in you. - Paternity Suit Defendant (Randy Lee, Burke) Dear Gecko: Your 15 minutes are up. - Caveman (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Dear Mars: Hahaha, your name almost rhymes with "arse"! - Uranus (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Dear Gov. Schwarzenegger: As your term winds down, I hope you consider resuming your career with us in the personal-security field. Remember, you said you'd be back. - John Connor (Michael Greene, Alexandria, a First Offender) Dear Abe Vigoda: You're still down there, huh? I have GOT to get more organized. - God (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Dear Mr. Hayward: Can I get my life back now? - Dead Pelican (Harry Glazer, Highland Park, N.J.; Becky Prosky, Rockville, both First Offenders) Dear Colonel Sanders: I don't care if you're more popular; I still outrank you. - General Tso (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Dear People Who Got Married to "I Will Always Love You": You do know it's a breakup song, don't you? - A Killjoy (Elise Jacobs, Silver Spring) Dear sirs: Your business practices are unethical, your billing practices immoral, your customer service rude. Are you hiring? - Jack Abramoff (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Dear Janet: So, now that we're down to the rest of us, which one of us kids do you think is the most screwed up? - Latoya (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Dear Flag Committee: It's too hard to make swastikas; I think I'll use stars instead, if that's okay. - Betsy (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Dear Mr. Haynesworth: You win. No one gets more money and attention for less effort than you. - Kim Kardashian (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge) Dear National Trust for Historic Preservation: Very funny. - Joan Rivers (Roy Ashley, Washington) Dear Virginia: Yes, we lied. Get over it. - The New York Sun (Mark Asquino, Washington, a First Offender) Dear Commissioner Goodell: I am sorry I brought shame to the league. Nobody loves football more than I do. Especially the foot part. - Rex Ryan (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Dear Brain: Hope you enjoyed your nap. We were really busy while you were off duty! - Nether Parts (Beverley Sharp) Dear Fast-Food Customer: Maybe I'm just insecure, but I just always want you to want me. - Cheese on That (Brendan Beary) Dear Todd: Please get her to stop staring at me. - Russia (Randy Lee) Dear Bo Peep: Call me if you want some tips. - Mary (Kevin Dopart) Dear Empress: Please print my "Dear Empress: Please print my 'Dear Empress: Please print my entry. - Sincerely, Danny Bravman, Chicago' " entry. - Sincerely, Danny Bravman, Chicago (Danny Bravman, Chicago) Next week: Dead letters, or Sick feats under ====================================================================== WEEK 905, published January 30, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 905 Anticdotes By Pat Myers Sunday, January 30, 2011; Now that the Invite is back to its Sunday roost, we honor our neighbor The Washington Post Magazine, specifically its "Editor's Query" for readers' anecdotes. While the Magazine requires that the recollections be true, the Empress asks only the opposite. And that it be funny and that she not get sued: Give us an untrue anecdote responding to one of these past Editor's Query topics: Fifty words or so max! Tell us about: A time when you misunderstood an advertisement. The moment you knew you were in love. A time you should have said yes. A time when a piece of clothing changed your life. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a colorful medical poster depicting various types of ulcers, including that of the eye, donated by Jeff Contompasis (he gave up the poster, not the eye). Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 7; Results to be published Feb. 27 (Feb. 25 online). Put "Week 905" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Nan Reiner. Tom Witte contributed the term "crypt-ograms." Report from Week 901, our annual contest for poems about people (and the occasional animal) who died in the previous year: We had an especially strong group of, um, crypt-ograms to choose from this year: See more fine poems in our Web-only supplement here. The winner of the inker 4-foot-3 actress Zelda Rubinstein and 7-foot-7 Manute Bol: One can hardly compute that like Zelda, Manute Was seen just for his size at the start. Their success was their pride, but last year, well, they died Just six months and a yardstick apart. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) 2 Winner of the Flarp electric noisemaker: Humbledy, fumbledy, Theodore "Ted" Sorensen, Kennedy speechwriter's Put on the spot. Pressed for the author of "Profiles in Courage," he Characteristically Counsels, "Ask not." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3Alexander Haig: St. Peter pulled General Haig to one side, "Considering things from your prior profession, This bit of advice I'm compelled to provide: You're VERY far down in our line of succession." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 4Elizabeth Post, etiquette expert: Mrs. Post regrets that she is truly quite unable To accept your generosity and grace your dinner table. Seems a pressing invitation couldn't be ignored; The honour of her presence was requested by the Lord. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Further adieux: honorable mentions Leslie Nielsen: O, Leslie of the platinum mane, Although you've flown too early, Your wit won't cease to entertain. You'll be remembered, Shirley. (Roger Stone, Gaithersburg) The inventor of the neutron bomb, which destroys people but not buildings: Sam Cohen invented the famed neutron bomb; His demise, of course, mourned by his spouse. It should also be noted, if only in passing, He was also survived by his house. (Mike Hammer, Arlington) Alas, Richard Holbrooke has met his fate, The one thing he couldn't negotiate. (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase) Sen. Robert Byrd: He mastered Senate rules as well as country violin, So Bobby Byrd would always know which tune was gonna win. When Bobby got to Heaven's gate, Saint Peter tossed his notes Because he knew that Bobby Byrd already had the votes. (Gary Welsh, Potomac) Soaps actress Helen Wagner: To Helen Wagner our hats we do doff. As the world turned, dear Helen got off. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Sens. Ted Stevens and Robert Byrd: The Heavenly Senate got Stevens and Byrd, Now freshmen angeli politicus. In bids to make "pork" a more biblical word, They've just filibustered Leviticus. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Ali Hassan al-Majeed: "Chemical Ali" was hanged for gassing all those Kurds, A major crime against the law of war, So now it's time to say goodbye and tell him "Sarin-ara – You just can't cut the mustard anymore." (Bob Dalton, Arlington) George Steinbrenner: Ty Cobb, Jackie Robinson, Roy Campanella! Frustration is eating poor George to no end: Just look at those great Hall-of-Famers in Heaven, And Steinbrenner there with no money to spend! (Brendan Beary) Higgledy piggledy, Bob Guccione was Fond of exploiting the Feminine bod. Men, even atheists, Glancing at Penthouse, would Involuntarily Whisper, "My God." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Senior-citizen porn actress Juliet Anderson Higgledy piggledy, Juliet Anderson Lived out her golden years Working in porn. Proving (for once) that your Marketability Doesn't depend on the Year you were born. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Paul the Octopus, World Cup hero: To a fallen octopod: Peace be with you; go with God. Your predictions caused a fuss; Bless your suckers! (. . .That be us.) (Beverley Sharp) Next week: What's the good news, or Pollyannals Another round of biers More honorable mentions from Style Invitational Week 900, our annual contest for poems commemorating people (and the occasional animal, concept, etc.) who died the previous year. (See the winners here.) Robert Byrd and Jimmy Dean: The senator, the singer: How different their careers. But they had one thing in common: Both served up pork for years. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Dick Francis: The former jockey set his books among the British horsey set; He's now about as well acquainted with the turf as one can get. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Higgledy-piggledy, Harry B. Whittington, Paleontologist, Trilobite whiz, Left quite a legacy For future scholars, who Someday will dig up a Body once his. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Geraldine Doyle, model for World War II "We Can Do It!" posters: Rickety rackety, Rosie the Riveter Turned in her apron to Work with the guys; Found that she liked her new Employability - That's why you have to eat Frozen pot pies. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Higgledy piggledy, "Dandy Don" Meredith - Football announcer who Owned Monday nights. Time marches on - it's an Immutability. Don's show is over, so Turn out the lights. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Leslie Nielsen: Way up in Heaven said Povich to Booth: "Shirley, he's dead - yes, I'm telling the truth." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Some guys have names that sound like dames; It's not like there's a law 'Gainst appellation obfuscation - Just ask Evelyn Waugh. But why get surly once called 'Shirley'? Why's that an upsetter? Did Nielsen think his poop don't stink? Was 'Leslie' that much better? (Brendan Beary) Punk impresario Malcolm McLaren Had impacts so vast that he won't be forgotten, But still it seems odd to be praising a fellow Who's always been mentioned with Vicious and Rotten. (Brendan Beary) Nigerian President Umaru Yar'Adua: Yar'Adua no longer encumbers His office; he peacefully slumbers. But he can still hear ya From below in Nigeria If you call out your bank account numbers. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) David Warren, flight data recorder inventor: His invention is a boon to all who've flown Now, alas, he's in a black box of his own. (Dion Black, Washington) Rue McClanahan, frisky actress on "The Golden Girls": Higgledy piggledy, Sweet Rue McClanahan Bragged of the gentlemen Lured to her bed. Now Betty White, the new Octogenarian, Scandalous succubus, Rues that Rue's dead. (Roger Stone, Gaithersburg) Businessman John Kluge (pronounced kloogie): God said to Mr. Kluge: Well, John, it's time to buge. (Craig Dysktra) Steve Landesman of "Barney Miller" He played a cop named Dietrich, The precinct intellectual, Whose IQ didn't keep him From being ineffectual. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) George Blanda, NFL quarterback and kicker: He played into his 40s when his hair had turned to gray, A general of the football wars whose passes won the day. A ticket to the Hall of Fame his long career did carve, (And no, you fans of Number 4, the name was not Brett Favre.) (Barry Koch , Catlett, Va.) Sister Eugenie Blanchard, 114: The world's most recent oldest person lies beneath the sod. Franciscan Sisters feel the loss of one of theirs to God. For Eugenie Blanchard they grieve and offer up this prayer: "She lived so long she had to leave - a nun the worse for wear." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Clay animation artist Art Clokey: Remember when a little man of green With flexibility beyond compare Had great adventures none had ever seen And with a name like Gumby, certain flair. Back then my wife and I were young and wild; We tried to twist and turn like Gumby, too. I ended up in traction - she with child, So when the baby came we named her Roo Like Gumby, Pokey now must say goodbye: The man behind it all has gone away. But Clokey's legacy will never die - He left behind a magic world of clay. Tonight I want to honor our good friend: Let's see how well my wife and I still bend. (Mike Ostapiej, Mt. Pleasant, S.C.) George Steinbrenner: Yankee Stadium in Heaven; Zoom in on the dugout seats. "Uh-oh," Billy Martin says, "That's it. I'm hanging up my cleats. "Ninety pennants. What a run! And it's been swell, guys, while it lasted, "But we're done for, now, 'cause God has drafted that Steinbrenner . . . fella. "Never mind that we've got Whitey, Mick and Joe, the Babe, and Lou: "He'll demand to pitch and catch, bat cleanup and to manage, too." (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) Hey, batter, battera, Dorothy Kamenshek Baseball professional Back in the zone. She and her teammates are Playing again in a Paradisiacal League of their own. (Chris Doyle) Senior-citizen porn actress Juliet Anderson, a.k.a. "Aunt Peg": Unlike most of those stars, who would hum a few bars, Then allow their careers to decline, Our "Aunt Peg" was so rare, for she kept going bare working to (and, well, in) 69. (Dion Black) Higgledy-Piggledy, Juliet Anderson Never faked orgasms (So they report). Cinematography Showed all her charms until She had a date with the Non-petite morte. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Here's to Bob Guccione, purveyor of porn, A man whose demise only guys seem to mourn. His Penthouse had pics far more graphic than Playboy's (If Mom caught you looking, you'd better just pray, boys). The centerfold photos showed nipples on boobs, And they broke the taboo against publishing pubes. What, then, got us to switch from this mogul of print? A magazine hustler named Larry C. Flynt. (Chris Doyle) And last: Shirley Dykstra (the author's mother): By the end of Oh-Ten, I'm sad to report, My dear mother, Shirley, had passed. Last year in these pages she got her first ink - She fittingly now gets her last. (Craig Dykstra) The headline for this list is by Jeff Contompasis of Ashburn, Va. ====================================================================== WEEK 906, published February 6, 2011 *Style Invitational Week 906: Your mug here - design a mug for the runner-up Losers* By Pat Myers Sunday, February 6, 2011; As devotees of the Invitational Fine Print know, the third- and fourth-place Losers of each contest "win" their choice of a coveted Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. We've had only one model of mug, pictured here , since we started giving it out almost four years ago, and our supply is running low. So: /Give us a new design for the Loser Mug/* - it can be just a slogan or it can be an idea for artwork (you can just describe it rather than draw it). A very intricate design, or one with several colors, won't work well. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy - plus the new mug. Second, third and fourth place also get the new mug - which of course will have someone else's idea on it. Loser. */Honorable mentions/* a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 14; results to be published March 6 (March 4 online). Put "Week 906" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules here . The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. *Report from Week 902*, in which we asked you to find a line in one of that week's Washington Posts and reword it in a more upbeat way: *The winner of the Inker* /Original:/ Maine's governor told critics Friday to "kiss my butt" over his decision not to attend the state NAACP's annual Martin Luther King Jr. Day celebrations. /Spun:/ Maine's governor found it in his heart to turn the other cheek . . . /(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)/ *2* /Winner of the //FBI-NYPD Joint Terrorist Task Force mug //:/ /Original:/ Tom DeLay, former U.S. House leader, sentenced to 3 years in prison /Spun:/ DeLay will be following in the footsteps of Mandela, Gandhi and King . . . /(Howard Walderman, Columbia)/ *3* /O/: Virginia school officials have seen 120 cases of sexual misconduct over the past decade, most of them discovered and reported after a teacher was arrested or prosecuted. /S/: Many Virginia teachers have reached out to their students beyond the classroom./(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)/ *4* /O:/ Dominican Republic resumes deportations of Haitian migrants /S:/ A year after earthquake, many Haitians are returning home /(Ward Kay, Vienna)/ *The upbeat goes on: Honorable mentions* /O:/ Tom DeLay, former U.S. House leader, sentenced to 3 years in prison /S:/ Government again calls DeLay to serve /(Roy Ashley, Washington)/ /O/: Winter weather gripped parts of the South on Sunday . . . causing hundreds of flight cancellations. /S/: The number of complaints about security pat-downs at the Atlanta airport dropped enormously on Sunday. /(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)/ /O/: Longtime Truro Church minister fired for accessing online pornography at work /S/: Today we bid farewell to Reverend Brown. For some time now he's been looking at missionary positions. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)/ /O/: Haitians see little rebuilding, few new jobs /S:/ Haitians get a taste of American lifestyle./(Joe Godles, Bethesda)/ /O/: Incendiary mail goes off in D.C. /S/: Innovation in packaging sparks interest from postal officials/(Sam Wheeler, Alexandria, a First Offender)/ /O/: School board in N.C. . . . abolishes integration policy /S/: School board in N.C. takes a step closer to America's roots /(Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C., a First Offender)/ /O/: Griffith cut up and tried to store the body [of his girlfriend] in containers filled with concrete. /S/: After his girlfriend departed, Griffith kept mementos of their relationship./(Nan Reiner, Alexandria)/ /O:/ The number of homeless families increased at an even greater rate, according to a report. /S:/ Despite the tough economy, many families are able to save on rent, mortgage payments and home repairs. /(Ira Allen, Bethesda)/ /O/: Pennies stolen from collection at Md. church S: Strangers find 'pennies from Heaven' /(Dave Prevar, Annapolis; Rick Haynes, Potomac)/ /O/: Major delays from N.Y. Ave. bridge work/ S/: Commuters linger after work in D.C. neighborhoods /(Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)/ /O/: Arlington lawyer gets year in prison /S/: Local attorney plans extended reunion with former clients /(Nan Reiner)/ /O:/ Officials also presented the results "in ways that are incorrect and potentially misleading." /S:/ Incredible results! /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ /O:/ Deputy Prime Minister Clegg appears to be losing Britain's love/ S:/ Clegg's Popularity Closely Tracking Winston Churchill's /(Mike Gips, Bethesda)/ O: To government workers: "You will find the pressures greater than the pay. You may endure more public attacks than support." S: "You will have the unequaled satisfaction of knowing that your character and talent are contributing to the direction and success of this free society." - John F. Kennedy, 1963 /(Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge)/ */Next week: Bill us now, or Enacting up/* © 2011 The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 907, published February 13, 2011 The Style Invitational contest Week 907 Naming rite By Pat Myers Sunday, February 13, 2011; The Customer Service Penalty Box at Verizon Center The Sarah Palin Anchor on the USS John S. McCain News last month that Metro was considering selling commercial naming rights to its train stations set off a flurry of waggish suggestions such as Big MacPherson Square, Burger King Street, etc. Invite-on-the-Brain Loser Kevin Dopart suggests we take the practice further: This week: Come up with a creative, somehow fitting sponsor for some public facility or part of one, as in Kevin's examples above. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a packet of Instant Underpants, a white disk that you soak in water to get . . . a pair of soaking-wet disposable underpants. Donated by Uberloser Russell Beland, who may well be wearing a pair right now in his big-shot Pentagon office. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 21; results to be published March 13 (March 11 online). Put "Week 907" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Please see washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational for more rules and guidelines. The revised title for next week's results is by Judy Blanchard; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Nan Reiner. Report from Week 903, our biennial contest to create "joint legislation" by combining the names of two or more freshman members of Congress: As usual, some of the more than 1,000 entries were utterly undecipherable; others came with helpful keys that explained, for example, that "Roby Pearce Pompeo Paul" should be read as "Rob Peter to pay Paul." The following are much more valid, but if some of these bills still stymie you, see the same list with translations here. The winner of the inker The Yoder-Scott-Toomey Environmental Health Act to prevent stores at mall entrances from gassing customers with clouds of perfume. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 2 Winner of the set of prints of the "Golden Girls" actresses as zombies: The Duncan-Meehan-Ellmers Act to broaden the standards for what constitutes a chemical peel. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) 3 The Duncan-Pearce Act to reform CIA interrogation techniques. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) 4 The Johnson-Hanabusa Act, which that would make self-gratification a federal crime. (Matt Kane, New York, a First Offender) Statutes with limitations: honorable mentions Adams-Ribble-Walsh-Landry Act adding to legal duties for married women, joining cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and childbirth (a.k.a. the Offense of Marriage Act) (Dave Zarrow, Reston) Barletta-Young-Boozman-Hanna-Gibson-Toomey Act prohibiting underage bartenders. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria) Ellmers-Long-West bill shortening wabbit season to one month. (Mitch Bailin, Alexandria, a First Offender) Kinzinger-Ribble-Hurt Resolution to condemn mother-in-law jokes. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) Lee-Nunnalee Act for treatment of the chronically indecisive (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif) Pearce-Johnson-Guinta-Hurt Law, requiring a three-day waiting period before a man can obtain a "Prince Albert." (Brendan Beary) Black-Denham-Gosar-Ribble-Lee congressional dress code. Andrew Hoenig, Rockville; Nan Reiner, Alexandria) The Young-Meehan-Dold-Johnson Act commemorating the life of Anna Nicole Smith (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Bass-Bass-Johnson-Johnson-Scott-Scott Act to proclaim Walla Walla the new capital. (John J. Dobbins, Charlottesville, a First Offender) Young-Toomey Act to raise the Medicare eligibility age to 78. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, age 82) Hannah-Woodall-Toomey Lumber Monopoly Act. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Pearce-Meehan-Hurt Act to strengthen libel laws (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del., a First Offender) Webster-Quayle Act to require dictionaries to include "potatoe" as an alternative spelling. (Arlee Green, Las Cruces, N.M.; Pam Sweeney) The Roby-Ayotte Stimulus Bill to give every American a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and a thou. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Gowdy-Amash Igitur Act would prohibit Latin majors from singing while intoxicated. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) Paul-Lee-Hannah Unbridled Optimism Encouragement Act (Michael Duffy, Washington; Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) Roby-Long-Toomey Act requiring ID chip implants in caviar. (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Steve Glomb) Womack-Walsh-Johnson Act promoting hygiene in locker rooms across America. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Hannah-Lee-Nunnelly Act to replace "higgledy-piggledly" in double dactyls. (Jeff Brechlin) Buerkle-Lee-Yoder Act to allow marijuana smoking outdoors (Joint Resolution 420). (Nan Reiner) Gardner-Hurt-Noem Lawn Beautification Act (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) in conjunction with the Noem-Hurt-Gardner Lawn Terrorism Prevention Act (Anne Holsinger, Fairfax) Long-Bass-Scott Act to add a five-point score for NBA half-court shots. (Gregory Bartolett, Dumfries) Meehan-Portman Act, a.k.a. the Hey, a Fella Can Dream Act. (Dave Zarrow) Next week: Move on back, or Hits from Shinola The Style Invitational 'joint legislation' results with translations By Pat Myers Sunday, February 13, 2011; 12:00 AM Our biennial contest to combine the names of freshman members of Congress into "joint legislation" tends to cause more than the usual amount of head-scratching among readers of the results: Sometimes what's screamingly obvious to one person is utterly mystifying to another. The Empress did figure out all of the entries below without much difficulty, but when she showed them to her predecessor, the Czar, he responded with "huh??" to a number of them - until she explained them, patiently as if to a sweet but slightly foggy aunt; then he'd say, "Ah, right. Very funny!" (This is not to cast more aspersions than usual on the Czar; during his reign years ago, when he showed the same sort of entries to me, I responded in just the same way.) Below is a translation and/or explanation of each entry. To see the results without the answer keys, click here (results appear below the new contest). The winner of the Inker: The Yoder-Scott-Toomey Environmental Health Act to prevent stores at mall entrances from gassing customers with clouds of perfume. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) (The odor's got to me.) 2 The Duncan-Meehan-Ellmers Act to broaden the standards for what constitutes a chemical peel. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) (Dunkin' me in Elmer's [glue].) 3 The Duncan-Pearce Act to reform CIA interrogation techniques. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) (Dunk 'n' pierce.) 4 The Johnson-Hanabusa Act, which that would make self-gratification a federal crime. (Matt Kane, New York, a First Offender) (Johnson-hand-abuser.) Statutes with limitations: Honorable mentions Adams-Ribble-Walsh-Landry Act adding to legal duties for married women, joining cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and childbirth (a.k.a. the Offense of Marriage Act) (Dave Zarrow, Reston) (Adam's rib'll wash laundry.) Barletta-Young-Boozman-Hanna-Gibson-Toomey Act prohibiting underage bartenders. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria) (Bar let a young booze-man hand a Gibson to me.) Ellmers-Long-West bill shortening wabbit season to one month. (Mitch Bailin, Alexandria, a First Offender) (Elmer's long rest.) Kinzinger-Ribble-Hurt Resolution to condem mother-in-law jokes. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) (Kin-zinger rib'll hurt.) Lee-Nunnalee Act for treatment of the chronically indecisive (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif) (Lee vs. None of Lee.) Pearce-Johnson-Guinta-Hurt Law, requiring a three-day waiting period before a man can obtain a "Prince Albert." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) (Pierce johnson - goin' to hurt.) Black-Denham-Gosar-Ribble-Lee congressional dress code. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville; Nan Reiner, Alexandria) (Black denim goes horribly.) The Young-Meehan-Dold-Johnson Act commemorating the life of Anna Nicole Smith (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) (Young me and the old johnson.) Bass-Bass-Johnson-Johnson-Scott-ScottAct to proclaim Walla Walla the new capital. (John J. Dobbins, Charlottesville, a First Offender) (Even you don't need this one explained.) Young-Toomey Act to raise the Medicare eligibility age to 78. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, age 82) (Young to me.) Hannah-Woodall-Toomey Lumber Monopoly Act. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) (Hand the wood all to me.) Pearce-Meehan-Hurt Act to strengthen libel laws (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del., a First Offender) (Pierce me and hurt.) Webster-QuayleAct to require dictionaries to include "potatoe" as an alternative spelling. (Arlee Green, Las Cruces, N.M.; Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) (This one we're not explaining, either.) The Roby-Ayotte Stimulus Bill to give every American a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and a thou. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) (The Rubaiyat, the collection of poems containing that line.) Gowdy-Amash Igitur Act: Would prohibit Latin majors from singing while intoxicated. (Beverley Sharp, Washington) (The old drinking song "Gaudeamus Igitur.") Paul-Lee-HannahUnbridled Optimism Encouragement Act (Michael Duffy, Washington; Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) (Pollyanna.) Roby-Long-Toomey Act requiring ID chip implants in caviar. (Kevin Dopart; Steve Glomb) (Roe belong to me.) Womack-Walsh-Johnson Act promoting hygiene in locker rooms across America. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) (Whoa, mac! Wash johnson!) Hannah-Lee-Nunnelly Act to replace "higgledy-piggledly" in double dactyls. (Jeff Brechlin) (Noting the waltzing dactyl meter.) Buerkle-Lee-Yoder Act to allow marijuana smoking outdoors (Joint Resolution 420). (Nan Reiner) (Berkeley odor.) Gardner-Hurt-Noem Lawn Beautification Act (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) in conjunction with the Noem-Hurt-Gardner Lawn Terrorism Prevention Act (Anne Holsinger, Fairfax) (Gardener hurt gnome . . .) Long-Bass-Scott Act to add a five-point score for NBA half-court shots. (Gregory Bartolett, Dumfries) (Long basket.) Meehan-Portman Act, a.k.a. the Hey, a Fella Can Dream Act. (Dave Zarrow) (Me and [Natalie] Portman) _____ Labrador Johnson Coates - provides contraception for stray dogs to keep populations down (Bird Waring) Long-Blunt-Johnson-Harris-Black Act In Aid of Identifying Public Exhibitionists (Elden Carnahan) [I was ready to run this one, but even the Czar thought it "too explicit"] Blunt-Young-Johnson Infant Circumcision Act (everyone) Pearce-Denham-Hurt-Johnson Act: Would make it illegal for sword-fighting stunt doubles to wears jeans on the job. (Beverley Sharp) The Johnson-Johnson-Hannah-Mulvaney Act, to allow replacing the rooster atop weather vanes with the East African dik-dik. (Brendan Beary) Ellmers-West-Johnson Act promoting sexual abstinence during hunting season. (Bruce Alter) Ribble-Dold-Johnson ED Medication Subsidy Bill (Steve Offutt) Gibbs-Heck-Sewell-Lee-Long-Johnson Erectile Dysfunction Pharmaceutical Manufacturers' Support Act. (Nan Reiner, plus others with less elaborate entries) The Pearce-Dold-Johnson Act, encouraging body art in retirement communities. (Christopher Lamora and others with similar entries) Hurt-Johnson proposal – to require athletic cups for all high school men's sports (Craig Dykstra) Quayle-Johnson bill – to ban the importation of certain European delicacies (Craig Dykstra) The Hurt-Johnson-Stivers-Heck Act to ban the dispensing of ED drugs in old soldiers homes. [stiff as] (Chris Doyle, who obviously realized that "Stivers" was too much of a stretch) Long-Johnson-Stivers measure to recognize the contribution of Nantucket poetry to modern culture. [Long johnson sty verse] (Kevin Dopart, with even more of a stretch) Blunt-Johnson Bill to tax internet porn (Nate Lee, Palos Verdes Estes, Calif.) The Scott-Johnson bill to establish a minimum length for kilts. (Dion Black) The Grimm-Canseco-Johnson bill to raise awareness that steroids do not make everything bigger. (Dion Black) Hurt-Long-Johnson Act mandating zipper safety guards. (Kevin Dopart, Mike Ostapiej) Pearce-Johnson Act to increase punishments for sex crimes. (Doug Frank) Pearce-Long-Johnson bill to provide for insurance-covered penile implants. (Edie Evans, Stafford, Va.) Johnson-Coats-Hurt Act for Reform of Prophylactic Manufacturing (Elden Carnahan and others similar) Noem-Moran-Johnson Act Restricting Male-Female Ratios in Consensual Acts (Elden Carnahan) [not sure I got that one -- "No more than one johnson"?] Barletta-Boozman-Pearce-Johnson Bill to allow bartenders to do body adornment (Eliezer May) The Young-Gardner-Hurt-Long-Johnson Act requiring padding on rake handles (George Vary) Pearce-Guinta-Hurt-Dold-Johnson supplemental health care bill providing post operative care after delicate man-part body mods. (Gregory Bartolett) Coats-Toomey-Johnson & Kinzinger: Health Care rider bill supporting a man's role in birth control.(Coats to my Johnson and can zing her, he helpfully explained.) "And Last (Because everyone will submit this...)" --[I love what people think EVERYONE will submit] Dold-Johnson-Young-Johnson Act for Raising Awareness of the brawn and muscle of big pharma and their turgid thrust behind television ad campaigns during family hour. (Gregory Bartolett) Long-Johnson-Hurt bill to penalize drug companies for dosages that last more than four hours. (Ira Allen and others) The Fleishmann-Long-Johnson Research Funding Act to investigate the side effects of raising agents on bakery workers (Jane Auerbach) The Ellmers-Hurt-Young-Johnson Craft Supplies Warning Label Act (Jane Auerbach) The Noem-Walberg-Gowdy-Lee-Long-Johnson Act bans celebrities from appearing in underwear ads (Jane Auerbach) The BROOKS-SCOTT-YOUNG-JOHNSON Act to discourage rampant cougarism. (Jeff Brechlin) The RENACCI-YOUNG-JOHNSON Act to get Renee some help for her voyeurism (Jeff Brechlin) Long-Young-Johnson-Hurt Act to mandate teaching of sexual abstinence in High School. (Jim Lubell) Hurt-Ellmers-Johnson Bill – Imposes extremely harsh penalties for out-of-season wabbit hunting. (Pam Sweeney) Nugent-Long-Johnson Bill – banning peeking in the Senate men's room. (Pam Sweeney) Young-Nugent-Scott-Long-Johnson Bill – Taunting about new boyfriend's attributes justifies alimony reductions. (Pam Sweeney) Gibson-Tipton-Johnson/Gibson-Tipton-Denham Bill – Defines how lewd the come-on must be before a woman is justified in throwing her drink in a man's crotch. (Pam Sweeney) Webster-Schilling-Long-Johnson Bill – Requiring all male enhancement spam to include a "you still have to learn how to use it" disclaimer. (Pam Sweeney) Meehan-Toomey-Johnson Bill telling TSA screeners what junk they can touch (Dan McCauley, Staunton, Va.) Long Flores Young Johnson Act - To pay for psychological counseling for men with ED. (Rick Haynes; I didn't get this) Pearce Moran Hurt Johnson Act - To prohibit Mohels from more than one attempt at a proper circumcision. (Rick Haynes) Long-Grimm-Johnson Act to surgically correct enhanced appendages gone bad. (Roger Dalrymple) The Johnson-Johnson Bill to regulate gay porn movies. (Roy Ashley) Johnson-Johnson Act: mandates the creation of a shampoo specifically for genitals (William Stutzman) The meta approach: The Long-Johnson Bill prohibiting the election of two or more new members of Congress whose combined names would prove irresistible to the infantile minds of the Style Invitational Loser community. (Roy Ashley) And: Long-Johnson-Hurt Act censors Post contest for planting bogus names (Steve Fahey) And, rather elegantly: The Johnson-Johnson Joint Resolution (Bruce Alter; Marty McCullen) The Scarlet Letters There were also some very good entries that I would have printed in another universe: Fleishmann-Coates-Johnson Healthier Tango in Paris Act (Ward Kay) The Buschon-Johnson bill to recount the results of the 9th season of "Dancing with the Stars." Young Canseco Long Johnson Act to regulate female rock star access to athletic "wood" (Stephen Gaull, Arlington) And let's not forget: Buschon-Southerland subsidy – to provide merkins for the needy (Craig Dykstra) ====================================================================== NO WEEK NUMBER; published February 20, 2011 *Winners of the Style Invitational's 'Move on back' neologism contest* By Pat Myers Sunday, February 20, 2011; No new contest this week. We had such a deluge of clever entries for Week 904 that we'll run a second set of winning (and Losing) entries four weeks from now. We'll even award another Inker, the official Style Invitational first-place trophy. And second place will receive the fabulous Basket Case game , which consists of a net that's suspended basketball-style above the head of some designated dweeb via a frame on the dweeb's head, so that he or other people may toss little red balls into it. (Into the net, not the head. And the balls do stay inside the net, not fall on the dweeb's head.) This de rigueur item for the office was donated by Loser Nan Reiner. */Other runners-up/* win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug . Honorable mentions a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). Read the Style Invitational rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . See this and previous columns online at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational . Follow the Empress on Twitter at PatMyersTWP. The revised title for next week's results is by Peter Morelewicz; this week's honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Jeff Contompasis and Dixon Wragg. *Report from Week 904, a new type of neologism contest: For this one you had to take a real word or phrase or name, move the first letter to the end, and define the new, coined word. This contest produced a deluge of entries - about 2,000. Most of them stank, of course, but we were still left with so many clever new terms that we'll run them in two installments, with two sets of winners. This week's comprise the neologisms beginning with A through M; the rest will run March 13. *The winner of the Inker* /Ankst:/ Uneasiness about what the army sent into town to "keep the peace." /(Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.)/ 2 /Winner of the screedy left-wing //"Axis of Evil II" finger puppets //:/ /Eekaboop:/ A cruel game to frighten babies. /(Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)/ 3 /Erriered:/ Made an ass of oneself. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)/ 4 /Carecrows:/ Women who are so devoted to their men that they frighten them away. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)/ *Onorableh: honorable mentions* /Iambig:/ A player on steroids. /(Ann Martin)/ /Anced:/ Fidgeted awkwardly at a social function. /(May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.)/ /Andorc:/ The jerk who has to say just one more thing and ruin everything. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ /Apz:/ Software that fries your iPad. /(Kevin Dopart)/ /Arph:/ The sound all dogs make in Heaven. /(Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.; Craig Dykstra)/ /Axt:/ Not what your country can do for you, but what you will be doing for your country. /(Danny Bravman, Chicago)/ /Bagbog:/ A political quagmire. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)/ /Bela:/ Cain's heretofore undisclosed sister - finally it all starts to make sense . . . /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ /Erring-DoD:/ Misguided military adventurism, e.g., going to war with the Army you have, not the Army you want. /(Chris Doyle)/ /Chadenfreudes:/ Republican gloating over the vote count in 2000. /(Chris Doyle)/ /Oyled:/ Annoyed by someone who's funnier than you are. /(Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)/ /Callopinis:/ An Italian delicacy using certain parts of leftover veal. /(Tony Phelps, Washington)/ /Carusi:/ A man who died while attempting to sing an impossibly high note. /(Tom Witte)/ /Cida:/ Apple juice spiked with LSD. /(Tom Witte)/ /Crabbles:/ Sore losers at word games. /(Drew Knoblauch, Arlington; Craig Dykstra)/ /Eb:/ To be in the latter half of one's life. /(Roger Hammons, North Potomac, a First Offender)/ /Elosip:/ To drink from the chalice of power, only to find that it is a dribble glass. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)/ /Heens:/ Behaves in a wildly erratic manner. /(Kyle Bonney, Fairfax)/ /AgiNav:/ GPS for women who navigate by the seat of their pants. /(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)/ /Hiksas:/ Gentile women from Appalachia . . . well, make that "women from Appalachia." /(John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)/ /Hotop:/ What to wear to attract paparazzi. /(Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney; Roger Hammons)/ /Libia:/ A universally disbelieved denial of guilt for an act of terror. /(David Garratt, Glenn Dale)/ /Howers:/ The amount of time it takes your teenager to get ready in the morning. (/Christopher Jones, Vienna)/ /Izzap:/ A semi-edible microwaved disk. /(Kevin Dopart)/ /Lapsticks:/ Below-the-belt humor. /(Michael Reinemer, Annandale)/ /Lovenias:/ Mail-order brides from Eastern Europe. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)/ /Miths:/ false names used when checking into hotels. /(Russell Beland, Fairfax)/ /And Last:/ /Inkholes:/ Final resting place for humorless entries.(/Beverley Sharp, Washington)/ */Next week: Anticdotes, or For your lies only/* ====================================================================== WEEK 908, published February 27, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 908 Cast away By Pat Myers Sunday, February 27, 2011; "The Crying Game": Fire Stephen Rea; hire John Boehner. "Lost": Fire Matthew Fox; hire Al Gore, whose character uses salvaged plane parts to get an Internet connection. In honor of Sunday night's Oscars, Loser and State Department officer (in that order, we're sure) Christopher Lamora -- along with, in a separate suggestion, Washington Loser Dion Black -- offers this ready-made contest suggestion direct from Guatemala City: "As Lindsay Lohan has proved time and again," Christopher notes, "it's sometimes risky for a studio to hire a big-name star. Sometimes it's necessary to fire an original cast member and hire someone else." This week: "Fire" an actor or actress from a movie or TV show, past or present, and offer a replacement for the role, as in Christopher's examples above. You might also note how the movie's plot or dialogue might change. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the lovely pair of swaying dashboard hula girls pictured here; the blue paint blobbed onto their eyes only enhances the Loserly vibe. Donated by Jeff Contompasis. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 7; results to be published March 27 (March 25 online). Put "Week 908" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Read the Style Invitational rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. Read this and previous contests at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. Follow the Empress on Twitter at PatMyersTWP. The revised title for next week's results and this week's honorable-mentions subhead are both by Tom Witte. Report from Week 905, in which we asked for amusing - and fictional - anecdotes in response to some of the "Editor's Query" requests in The Washington Post Magazine in past years: The winner of the Inker: A time when a piece of clothing changed my life: In the jungle you make do with what's available, so I patched my torn pants seat with a piece of bright red flannel. Had I not, I would have been spared much pain. But I might never have discovered the new species of baboon. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) 2 Winner of the medical poster depicting various ulcers: A time I misunderstood an advertisement: The sexy guy said I could smell like him if I bought Old Spice. Now I smell like I'm on a horse. (Ward Kay, Vienna) 3 A time when I should have said yes: My wife asked me, "Is it not the case that this dress in no way fails to avoid not making my butt not look small?" (Gary Crockett) 4 The moment you knew you were in love: I was captivated by her melodic yet powerful voice as she called out. Gracefully, she sprinted away. Her beauty brought tears to my eyes - or maybe it was something in the air. Could it be it Mace? I ran after her, singing, "L is for the way you look at me . . . " (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Snort stories: honorable mentions A time when a piece of clothing changed my life: When I found out that an invisibility cloak is not a strong defense on a charge of public nudity. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It was a load off my shoulders - not that I couldn't handle it, mind you - when I found that no one could recognize me when I wore a pair of horn-rimmed glasses. - C. Kent, Metropolis (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Fortunately, just as the mastiff was about to pounce, Lady Gaga walked out of the theater in an amazing dress . . . (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) My neighbor had fallen. She called me, then 911. As I was standing over her, helping her up, the police arrived. They drew their weapons. As soon as they saw my pants, though, they let me go. Apparently hardened criminals don't soil themselves. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) A time when I should have said yes: The Arizona trooper pulled me over. He looked at my out-of-state license and asked, "Are you really a resident of Virginia?" I pointed at the license and said, "See." And now I have a file at Homeland Security. (Ward Kay) The one time I actually wanted fries with that. (Kevin Dopart) When the minister asked if anyone objected to the wedding taking place, I should have shouted, "Yes!" But I just couldn't bring myself to say it. Finally, all I ended up saying was "I do." (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) A time I misunderstood an advertisement: I think I understand now. If the diaper box says "11-15 pounds," it means the BABY can weigh 11-15 pounds. Not that the diaper can hold that much poop. (Michael Seaton, Bowie) Please don't turn away - the blisters will heal, mostly. You see, when the face cream ad said "Dermatologist tested," I thought that meant it had passed. (Gary Crockett) The moment you knew you were in love: There she was next to Senator McCain - sassy, brash, full of ideas. That's when I fell in love. I turned to my wife and said, "I never really appreciated you before this." (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) I knew I was in love the moment my wife told me that I was in love. (Jeff Brechlin) She said, "You're the one in the Style Invitational? Cool." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Next week: Your mug here, or Vesselmania ====================================================================== WEEK 909, published March 6, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 909: Reprizing By Pat Myers Friday, March 4, 2011; 12:31 PM lnker Loser T-shirt Loser mug Loser magnet The FirStink air "freshener" Pantyhose with a run Old National Geographics A handful of pennies A charger for your previous cellphone One perfectly good shoelace Tattered underwear. Fewer than 5,000 people anywhere in the Milky Way galaxy have won even a single Style Invitational prize in its 18 years - this week! - of existence (the Invite's, that is; the galaxy is dozens of years older). But a handful of the truly obsessed Style Invitational Losers, reputedly residents of Planet Earth, have accumulated hundreds or more: enough to crash the mantel to the floor, to make the refrigerator door sag on its hinges. While Loser Mike Gips boasts a mere 23 prizes - including the Inker and mug he scored in this week's results - he suggests a contest to make use of these otherwise worthless objects. We've filled out the list with a few other items that end up lying around the house. This week: Suggest humorous uses for one or more of the items above, alone or in combination. You may use any quantity of each item, except the one shoelace, the pennies and the FirStink for First Ink, since you can win only one of those. If you want to construct some physical thing, send a photo of it as an attachment to your e-mail. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the Style Invitational Breakfast Set, consisting of Inflatable Toast plus a whole Inflatable Fruitcake all atop a bacon-motif place mat (utterly nonfat). Food donated by Jeff Contompasis, the place mat by Russell Beland. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions win a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 20; results to be published April 3 (April 1 online). Put "Week 909" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Russell Beland. Report from Week 906, in which we asked for ideas for Loser Mug 2: The Next Generation, a prize for third- and fourth-place finishers that replaces the design we've used since 2007. The winner of the Inker My Cup Punneth Over (Mike Gips, Bethesda; Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.; Howard Walderman, Columbia; they also win the mug) Winners of the mug with someone else's idea on it: 2 One Ounce Short of a Pint: Runner-Up, the Style Invitational (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn; the mug is indeed a 15-ouncer) 3 [Front] Sometimes You Lose . . . [Back] . . . and Sometimes You Lose (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) 4 Middle-Wit Champion: Runner-Up, the Style Invitational (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) More java scripts: Honorable mentions Model it after those mugs with the pictures of all the presidents - but instead, feature each election's losing candidate. (Drew Knoblauch, Arlington; Seth Tucker, Washingtom) Genius Is Its Own Reward. I Got This Mug Instead. (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) Style Invitational Official Travel Spittoon (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Chris Doyle, traveling in Iguacu Falls, Brazil) If You Don't Get It, You Don't Get This (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Graphic with the Robert Indiana square LOVE design, with an S scribbled over the V and an R added to crudely turn it into LOSER - trying to show this as art instead of a description. (Drew Knoblauch; Peter Jenkins, Bethesda; Suzanne Cross, Chantilly, a First Offender) Cartoon of a man at the supermarket "Self Checkout" line. He's looking down his pants. Caption: LOSER. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Caution: Contents Tepid. Runner-Up, the Style Invitational (Russell Beland, Fairfax; Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Sunday DriveL (Tom Witte) Do you know how many ceramics had to die to make this mug? (Craig Dykstra) Warning: Content provider may be hot. But we doubt it. (Kevin Dopart) A Venus de Milo statue looks down at a crouching Thinker, saying, "Loser." Thinker is holding a mug: "Only a mug? But I'm so funny." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Venn diagram: Left oval, "Think"; right oval, "Drink"; in the center, "Ink." (Chris Doyle) Next week: Naming rite, or Branding irony ====================================================================== WEEK 910, published March 13, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 910 Your ad there Saturday, March 12, 2011; 7:21 PM For a plastic surgeon: "Good to the last droop." The Republican Party, wishfully thinking: "Nobody doesn't like Sarah P." Newly Reenergized Loser Malcolm Fleschner suggests this week's contest: Slightly alter an advertising slogan so that someone else could use it, as in Malcolm's examples above. "Slightly alter" means that it should be very clear what the original is. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Moonies, a fairly sizable doll that sticks to the inside of your car window. When you squeeze a little bulb on a tube, its pants go down so as to distract other drivers. Hardehar. This is the official Moonies doll used on the presidential limousine during the Clinton administration. Donated by Loser Rich Haynes. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions win a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 21; results to be published April 10 (April 8 online). Put "Week 910" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at washingtonpost.com/ styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Mike Ostapiej; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Howard Walderman. Report from Week 907, in which the Empress invited you to award "naming rights" for some institution or person to some public facility or part of one. For humor's sake - that tends to be the sake she favors - the E chose to be pretty inclusive about what counts as such a facility. The winner of the Inker The Washington Redskins Defensive Line Center for Nonviolence (Tom Panther, Springfield) 2 Winner of the can of Instant Underpants: The Pepco first, second, third and fourth down lines at FedEx Field (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3 The Leslie Johnson Treasure Chest at the Maryland Lottery headquarters (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) 4 The Jimmy Dean Breakfast Links Senate Visitors Gallery (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, a First Offender; Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Inane only: Honorable mentions The Tiger Woods Strayer University (Joe Godles, Bethesda) The Depends Skywalk over the Grand Canyon (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) The John Boehner Orange Bowl (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington; Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) The Donald Rumsfeld Tomb of the Known Unknown and Unknown Unknown Soldiers (Gary Crockett; Phil Frankenfeld; Michael Reinemer, Annandale) The Hu Jintao-Marion Barry-Gunga Din Grant's Tomb, or, for short, the Hu-Barry-Din Grant's Tomb (Gary Crockett) The Werner Heisenberg Departure-Time Board at Dulles Airport (Gary Crockett) The Clinton-Lewinsky Third-Base Box at Nationals Park (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) The NRA Postal Museum (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) The Marian Anderson Side Entrance at DAR Constitution Hall (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va., a First Offender) The Lehman Brothers Roof at the Metrodome. (Gary Crockett) The American Psychiatric Association baggage carousel at Dulles (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) The Haley Barbour Front of the Bus (Matthew Hertz, Buffalo) The Levitra and Valium up and down escalators in the Washington Metro. (Chris Doyle) The Scooter Libby doormat at the Old Executive Office Building (Kevin Dopart) Pepco Cinema & Drafthouse: Theater 1: "Heart of Darkness"; Theater 2: "Body Heat" (Michael Greene, Alexandria) The La-Z-Boy Lincoln Memorial (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) The Goldman Sachs Revolving Door at the Treasury Department (Michael Reinemer; Kevin Dopart) The Procol Harum Mormon Temple (Kevin Dopart) The Art Linkletter Spelling Bee Auditorium (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria) The Stanley McChrystal Emergency Exit at the White House (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) The Listerine Gargoyle at Washington National Cathedral (Kevin Dopart) The John Edwards, Hosni Mubarak and Eliot Spitzer Career Paths at Great Falls (G.T. Bowman, Falls Church) The AARP Old Executive Office Building (Bird Waring) The FBI's Palin Department of Hand-Writing Analysis (Joe Godles) The Viagra Elevator in the Washington Monument (Arlee Green, Las Cruces, N.M.) The Glenn Beck Chair of Gestapolemics at the Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs (Gary Crockett) The Pee-wee Herman Southern Exposure at the Johnson Library (Mike Ostapiej) The Spiro Agnew Donation Box at the Maryland State House (Kevin Dopart) The Timothy Geithner Tarp at Citigroup Stadium (Gary Crockett) And Last: The Slim-Fast Washington Post (Beverley Sharp) And Really Last: The Style Invitational Scoreboard at Nationals Park (Gary Crockett) Next week: Move on back, Part 2, or Return to enders ====================================================================== WEEK 911, published March 20, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 911 Help! By Pat Myers, Friday, March 18, 2:54 PM Man: My wife has been attacked by a warthog! 911 dispatcher: Where are you located? Man: 1845 Eucalyptus Drive. 911: Can you spell that? Man: Uh, I'll drag her on over to Oak Street .?.?. That's basically the dialogue in a recorded "911 call" that's been making the online rounds and sounds uncannily like a well-delivered comedy sketch. Because even the Invite doesn't do 9/11 jokes (well, not many), Loser Doug Frank suggests we exploit the week number this way: Create a short, humorous dialogue – or a monologue featuring one party — of a phone call to 911, or a call for help to someone else. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, discourtesy of Loser for Life Tom Witte, a seemingly well-used copy of "The Self-Destruction Handbook: 8 Simple Steps to an Unhealthier You." Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions win a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax, if you absolutely must, to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 28; results to be published April 17 (April 15 online). Include "Week 911" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at washingtonpost.com/ styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Report from Week 904.5: The second half of your neologisms formed by moving the first letter of a real word to the end: Take a second to see what the original word was — it always relates to the new word. The winner of the Inker Ommutec: The Egyptian god of wasted time. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale) 2 Winner of the basketball-hoop-on-your-head game: Pectacles: Gladiator movies. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) 3 Poonerisms: Wordplay used to sneak a dirty joke into print. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 4 Uh: How most Americans would respond, if asked to name the President of China. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Moved to the rear: Honorable mentions NCyclopediae: Reference books accessible only to ages 17 and up. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Noozes: Periods of "watching" CNN in your recliner. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Normouse: A giant Scandinavian rat. (Konrad Schwoerke, Chapel Hill, N.C., a First Offender) Nthilla: A grain of sand. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich) NYthinga: What you buy from a Manhattan street vendor. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Oblessen: Take from the poor and give to the rich. "All GOP congressional freshmen eventually learn to oblessen." (Kevin Dopart) Octorated: Took eight years to get three letters. (Christopher Lamora) Oinc: The ka-ching of pork-barrel spending. (Kevin Dopart) Olcatl: The Aztec god of silly Internet memes. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) Omunculush: A really ugly drunk. (Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand) Onnaget: A new device to provide boarding assistance for extremely large airline passergers. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Onotonym: A boring nickname. (Kevin Dopart) Oogleg: A Web site you pore over for half an hour when you'd been searching for something else. (Jan Broulik, Chevy Chase, a First Offender) Oreak: A creature that has a splendidly developed lower half, but a sparse and hideous upper half. (Tom Witte) Ornadot: Map marking designating a trailer park. (Kevin Dopart) Ortlyp: The scientific term for jowls. (Tom Witte) Osseling: The act of publicly displaying one's children for profit. (Bill Oldach, Potomac, a First Offender) Ouched: Called a demeaning name. (Rick Haynes, Potomac) Ouchet: The sting of a witty rebuttal. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Oursy: Kind of belonging to both of us even though I didn't pay for any of it. (Russell Beland, Fairfax; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Piglottise: To talk while eating. (Vic Krysko) Possumo: Specialty of Trattoria Westvirginico. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Roublet: Rural French child you can see coming from a kilometre away. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Rumpt: Fired from an apprenticeship. (Nathan Lindsey, Arlington; Sande Brecher, Rockville, both First Offenders) Sic: Describing overly graphic TV crime dramas. (Craig Dykstra) Sparagusa: A Mediterranean tourist spot that's a bit of an acquired taste . . . and smell. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Steriska: A Soviet "female" athlete. (Tom Witte) Tahu: New name for the Great Salt Lake to attract more tourists (Tony Phelps, Washington) Theista: A Sunday morning nap. (Lynda Gattozzi, Bethesda, a First Offender) Ummush: Hummus. (Brendan Beary) Undays: When you fix the things you messed up the rest of the week. (Paul Rubenstein, Manassas Park, a First Offender) Uplicated: Made twice as difficult. (Kevin Dopart) Zone-O: The really high seats at FedEx. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) And Last: M-presse: The first part of the butt-kissing procedure. (Craig Dykstra) Next week: Recast away, or Role muddles ====================================================================== WEEK 912, published March 27, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 912 Pair-a-Phrase By Pat Myers, Sunday, March 27, 12:00 AM Capitol Pit: Serving up hefty quantities of pork year round. Pee speech: Stream-of-consciousness discourse from the weirdo at the next urinal. Not satisfied with having almost 800 entries printed here in the past six years, Style Invitational Overachiever Kevin Dopart suggests this new contest: Lift a word that appears inside a longer word; pair it with the original word to make a phrase; and define it, as in Kevin's own examples above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a jar of Snott Gorila Gel, or Moco de Gorila, a green hair goo that, while possibly not authentic gorilla snot, does look a lot like the 1970s Slime toy from Mattel. Sent all the way from Guatemala City by Loser Christopher Lamora. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions win a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax, if you absolutely must, to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 4; results to be published April 24 (April 22 online). Include "Week 912" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions subhead was submitted independently by Great Minds Thinking Alike Tom Witte and Chris Doyle. Report from Week 908, in which we asked you to recast a movie or TV role: The many suggestions for "Raging Bull" tended to favor Glenn Beck and — surprise! — Charlie Sheen. The winner of the Inker Shane: Fire Alan Ladd, hire Brett Favre. Joey: "Shane! Shane! Come back!" Shane: "Okay!" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) 2 Winner of the dashboard hula girls: Gone With the Wind: Fire Clark Gable; hire Pepco CEO Joe Rigby — everyone will believe he doesn't give a damn. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg) 3 The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: Fire America Ferrera; hire Hillary Clinton. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) 4 Kramer vs. Kramer: Fire Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep; hire Michael Richards. (Drew Knoblauch, Arlington) Casting ouch: Honorable mentions Schindler's List: Fire Liam Neeson; hire Mel Gibson. Running time: four minutes (it's a short list). (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) The Kids Are All Right: Fire Annette Bening; hire Amy Chua; rename the film "The Kids Are PERFECT!" (Lennie Magida, Potomac) The Sixth Sense: Fire Haley Joel Osment; hire Sen. Joseph McCarthy, who'll say, "I see red people." (Mike Ostapiej) Slumdog Millionaire: Fire Dev Patel; hire Watson the computer — tech support comes to the rescue. (Jonathan Hardis; Danny Bravman, Chicago) Girl, Interrupted and Ben-Hur: Fire Winona Ryder and Charlton Heston; hire Chastity/Chaz Bono. (Marc Sasseville, Burke, a First Offender; Bruce Harris, Scotch Plains, N.J.) Mannix: Fire Mike Connors; hire Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Star Trek : Replace Leonard Nimoy with Dennis Kucinich and save on ear prosthetics. (Kevin Dopart) This Is Spinal Tap: Fire Christopher Guest; hire Bo Derek — "These go to 11." (Steven Price, New York) Sex, Lies, and Videotape: Fire James Spader; hire John Edwards. (Marc Sasseville) Replace Lassie in all her films with Scarlett Johansson. It will be a little odd having her walk around on all fours with no clothes on, but the movies will all be much better. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Old Yeller: Fire Tommy Kirk; hire Michael Vick. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Twelve Angry Men: Fire the whole jury; hire Bill O'Reilly, Keith Olbermann, Mel Gibson, Christian Bale, Rahm Emanuel, Bobby Knight, John McEnroe, Kanye West, Howard Beale, Yosemite Sam and the Winklevoss twins. (Gary Crockett) The Sound of Music: Replace Julie Andrews with Roseanne Barr to end those annoying reruns on TV. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Forrest Gump: Replace Tom Hanks with Rahm Emanuel, who will say, "Life is nothing like a box of chocolates, which comes with a map and you always know what you're going to get — unless you're a moron." (Kevin Dopart) 127 Hours: Fire James Franco, rehire James Franco, add Anne Hathaway. Air on ABC at the end of February. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Pimp My Ride: Fire Xzibit, hire Kwame Brown. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) American Idol: Fire Steve Tyler, J. Lo and Randy Jackson; hire rock, paper and scissors. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif., a First Offender) The Dark Knight: Replace Heath Ledger with Sarah Palin: Though Ledger was brilliant, you still felt there were limits to what his character would do to get what he wanted. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Legally Blonde: Fire Reese Witherspoon; hire Linda Lovelace, whose character gets all her clients off. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Super Bowl XLV: Fire Christina Aguilera; hire any kindergartner from Dallas. (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn., a First Offender) Next week: Reprizing, or Credit applications ====================================================================== WEEK 913, published April 3, 2011 The Style Invitational: Week 913 — bringing up the rear By Pat Myers, Sunday, April , 12:00 AM Eglu: What makes your tongue stick to an ice cube. Tat-trac: An especially alluring piece of body art. Ten weeks ago we introduced a super-successful neologism contest in which we asked you to move the first letter of a real word to the end of the word, and define the result. Not only did we get two weeks' worth of results out of the thing — allowing the Empress to sit around nibbling on eclairs for a week — but we get to milk another contest out of it as well. The inevitable follow-up, which was actually requested by numerous Losers: Move the last letter of an existing word or name to the front of the word, and define the new term, as in the examples above. Since a lot of people will inevitably send in the same words, it's the funniest definition that gets the ink. We won't rule out rearranged words that end up as real words, as long as the definition is especially clever. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine 1970s View-Master slide viewer with a disk showing the wondrous sights of Graceland. Loser Cheryl Davis, who donated this classic artifact, has even thrown in a pair of Elvis sunglasses. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions win a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax, if you absolutely must, to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 11; results to be published May 1 (April 29 online). Include "Week 913" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Today's headline was suggested by Craig Dykstra. Report from Week 909, in which we asked for new uses for the various Style Invitational prizes, as well as for a few other useless things. The most common suggestion was for the pantyhose with a run: Send it to the Nationals — they need all the runs they can get. The winner of the Inker Use Inkers to re-create scenes from great drama. See image at top left: "Alas, poor Yorink." (Kevin Dopart, Washington, winner of, now, 14 Inkers ) 2 Winner of the inflatable toast, inflatable fruitcake and bacon place mat: A old cellphone charger makes a handy substitute for a forgotten phylactery — call it a tefillin fill-in. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) 3Pantyhose with a run: Wear them under your long dress when you must attend some dreaded social event; that way you can say in all honesty, "So sorry, got a run!" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 4Tattered underwear: Female answer: For a rag or dust cloth. Male answer: For underwear. Duh! (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Refashion victims: Honorable mentions You mean the Inker ISN'T a garlic smasher? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, winner of two garlic smashers) As the "bonus prize inside," put Inkers in giant-size boxes of Immodium. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Wear a Loser T-shirt as a pair of shorts. A little tight around the legs, but the extra hole is handy. (Kevin Dopart) Put the handful of pennies in the Loser mug. It won't make the coffee taste better, but the pennies will be shinier. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) A fun game to play at shopping malls is "stick the Loser magnet on the artificial limb." (Jeff Brechlin, owner of hundreds of Loser magnets, who lives suspiciously close to the Mall of America in Minnesota) Keep your credit cards between two Loser magnets — it's amazing how much less you end up spending that way. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.; James Alper, Lorton, a First Offender) Pantyhose with a run makes for a superior robbery mask, since witnesses will describe you as having a scar running down your face. (Russell Beland, Fairfax) After your beach vacation, tie the perfectly good shoelace tied around your toe to remind you to wear shoes and socks to work. (Arlee Green, Las Cruces, N.M.) Conserve water by building an outhouse out of old National Geographics. And save on paper by using the walls for both reading material and TP. (Andrew Hoenig) National Geographics: Replace the picture of "your family" that came with the frame with a great photo from "your vacation." (Kevin Dopart) A charger for your old cellphone: Glue a crystal to it, dub it the "Chi Charger" and sell it to New Agers. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Tie two Inkers together with the shoelace to create the coolest Loser weapon: Dumchuks. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Tattered underwear and one perfectly good shoelace: The contents of Bear Grylls's overnight bag. (Michael Greene, Alexandria) Shred up National Geographics and attach them all along the perfectly good shoelace. Then tie it around your waist, have your picture taken (preferably topless) and send it to National Geographic. (Catherine Howell, Arlington) List the pantyhose with a run and tattered underwear on eBay as recovered from a paper bag in the Clinton White House trash. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) And Last: Loser magnets: Throw them away; they're superfluous — Losers are loser magnets. (Beverley Sharp) Next week: Your ad there, or Snark plugs ====================================================================== WEEK 914, published April 10, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 914 Foaling around By Pat Myers, Friday, April , 12:59 PM Mr Artistic MD x Burns = Sweet Ducky Mac's Surprise x Extra Fifty = Superduper Size Me It's four weeks from Kentucky Derby weekend, which means it's time for one of our most heavily entered contests: At the bottom of this page is a list of 100 of the almost 400 horses eligible for this year's Triple Crown races. "Breed" any two of them – even though almost all are male – and name the "foal," as in the examples above. While the real Derby field is restricted to 20 horses, you lucky thing may enter as many as 25. As in real life, the names absolutely cannot be longer than 18 characters, including spaces and symbols. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the Guaguo Pro, a scary-looking kitchen implement whose Chinese-translated packaging warns us, "Please dont toagh the sharp against injary when youare tearing off its pzztage." Found in the dollar store by Bruce Alter. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions win a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax, if you absolutely must, to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 18; results to be published May 8 (May 6 online). Include "Week 914" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. Follow the Empress on Twitter at patmyersTWP. The revised title for next week's results was submitted separately by Russell Beland and John O'Bryne; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Report from Week 910, in which we asked you to alter a well-known ad slogan slightly and assign it to someone else: Many suggested "You deserve a brake today" for Toyota, "We'll leave the lights off for you" as perfect for Pepco, and, for Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, "Look for the union libel." The winner of the Inker TSA airport security: If we don't pet it, you don't jet it. (Rachel Braun, Silver Spring, a First Offender) 2. Winner of the pants-dropping car window toy: Bud Selig: The boor that made Milwaukee famous. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 3. Nordic Flex: Your weak end just got better. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) 4. U.S. Postal Service: "When it absolutely, positively has to be there eventually." (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) Always low prizes: Honorable mentions P.T. Barnum: You deserve a freak today. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Next Day Blinds: Because love is not a spectator sport. (Dave Coutts, Severna Park, a First Offender) Amtrak: This is your train on drugs. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Honolulu Grill: How about a nice Hawaiian paunch? (Joe Godles, Bethesda; Pie Snelson, Silver Spring) Rahm Emanuel: Let your finger do the talking. (Michael Greene, Alexandria) Charlie Sheen: Sometimes you feel like a nut. Other times you may also. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) National Bar Association: Fee all that you can fee. (Dion Black, Washington; Paulette Rainie, McLean, a First Offender) Propecia: Say no to rugs. (Seth Tucker, Washington) Four Loko: The liquor picker-upper. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) The British monarchy: When it reigns, it bores. (Gary Crockett) Al Gore: That frosty smug sensation. (Elise Jacobs, Silver Spring) Agriculture lobby: Please don't squeeze the farmin'. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Washington Fertility Center: When it absolutely, positively has to be their ova night. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) TSA: Reach out and touch someone's .?.?. (Seth Tucker) Warren Jeffs: My wives. I think I'll keep them. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Al's shoeshine stand: Pardon me, do you have any stray poop on? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Prince George's County Police: To protect and serve .?.?. ourselves. (Mark Richardson, Washington) Movie sound mixers' guild: Oh, I wish I were an Oscar minor winner .?.?. (Mae Scanlan) Boca veggie burgers: Tastes great, less killing. (Kris Kunert; Pete Morelewicz; Michael Duffy, all of Washington) A karate studio: Break fist of champions. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Ipecac: Heave it your way. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge; Chris Doyle) EPA: It's not nice to fail Mother Nature. (Mike Ostapiej) Genentech: We bring odd things to life. (Mike Ostapiej) An organ-trafficking ring: We de-liver for you. (Trevor Kerr) Diamond Toothpicks: The quicker uppers-picker. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) For then-Rep. Christopher Lee: When you care enough to send the hairy chest. (Dorothy Rubin, Frederick, a First Offender) American Idol: There's always room for J-Lo. (Teri Chism, Winchester, Va.) 7-Eleven: The quicker sticker-upper. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) Bosmere compost bins: A rind is a terrible thing to waste. (David Komornik, Danville, Va.) The Writer's Center: We love to see you simile. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) And last: The Style Invitational: The Ultimate Drivel Machine. (Seth Tucker; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Next week: Help! or The Dial Invitational ====================================================================== WEEK 915, published April 17, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 915 Picture this — a cartoon caption contest By Pat Myers, Friday, April 15, 12:21 PM It's one in a venerable line of caption contests in which we ask you to find some glimmer of meaning in various pictorial crazed ramblings by Style Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake, but it's the first Picture This contest since we moved to the Sunday Style section. This week: Write a caption for any of the cartoons pictured above. As usual, when several people submit similar ideas for a cartoon, it's the best wording that gets the ink. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions a lusted-after Loser magnet. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 25; results to be published May 15 (May 13 online). Include "Week 915" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. Follow the Empress on Twitter at patmyersTWP. The revised title for next week's results is by Mae Scanlan; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Roy Ashley. Report from Week 911, in which, in honor of the week number, we asked for humorous ideas for 911 calls or other calls for help. We would have liked to use 911 ourselves, we're afraid, to be rescued from the overwhelmingly lame humor that constituted most of the entries. The winner of the Inker Caller: Hello, I need the number for the local library. 911: You want 411, not 911. Caller: Yeah, but the 4-key on my phone is broken. 911: Sorry, but this number is only for emergencies. Caller: Oh, okay. Help! My 4-key is broken! (Russell Beland, Fairfax) 2: Winner of "The Self-Destruction Handbook": Frantic man: Help, I was preparing Japanese blowfish and may have ingested its fast-acting neurotoxin.?.?. 911: Please, listen carefully to your options. Frantic man: Yes? Yes? 911: They have recently changed. To continue in English, press 1 .?.?. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) 3: Caller: Hello, I have an emergency! 911 operator: (pause) Hey, where did you get this number? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) 4: 911: How can I help you? Caller: These days are gone — I'm not so self-assured! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Beyond help: Honorable mentions Caller: "My husband is paralyzed! He can't seem to get up!" "Very funny, Marge. I'll take out the trash when I'm ready. Now hang up the damned phone." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Caller: I was robbed! 911: When did this occur? Caller: In 2000. 911: For the last time, stop calling, Mr. Gore. (Jeff Contompasis) Caller: Help, I'm stuck in the Metro Center elevator! 911: Now, stay calm and listen carefully: You need to eat less and exercise more. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Woman: I need an ambulance right away! 911: Hey, this is 703-555-1212 and 123 Main Street! Is that you, Mom?? Woman: So, if you know the address, how come you never visit? (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Caller: "Ha! You used my trademark again. You owe me another nickel." 911: "Please stop calling, Mr. Giuliani." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Caller: "My house is being overrun by stink bugs!" Help line: Okay, what you need to do is first, move to a different part of the country .?.?. (Tom Murphy, Bowie) Pat Robertson to FEMA: "Help! We need sandbags, boats and other homosexuality readiness equipment immediately!" (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) 911: What's your emergency? Roberta Flack: He's singing that song again, softly! (Kevin Dopart) Caller: Quick, I need to know the square root of 9! 911: You shouldn't call 911 for things like that. Caller: You could have answered in less time than it took you to tell me you weren't going to tell me. 911: Fine, it's 3. Caller: See, that WAS faster. Okay, now for Problem 2 .?.?. (Russell Beland) Next week: Pair-a-phrasing, or Out of this word ====================================================================== WEEK 916, published April 24, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 916 Mess with our heads BAYSOX FANS CAN FIND EGGS 'Pelt an Infielder Day' expected to draw thousands Misunderstanding The Post seems to be something that some of our readers are expert in — especially when they read no farther than the headline. So why not try to get a prize for it? In this perennial Invite contest, take any headline, verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Post or on washingtonpost.com from April 22 through May 2 and reinterpret it by adding a "bank head," or subtitle (like the joke bank head offered under the actual Post headline above about an Easter egg hunt). For heads in the print paper, include the date and page number; for heads from the Web, give the date and copy a sentence or two of the story (even better, copy the URL from the address bar). You don't have to use the entire headline, but don't skip words or change the essential meaning by cutting off the end, as from "President kills bill" to "President kills." Headlines in ads and subheads within an article (as well as actual bank heads) can be used, too, but not lines that are are only links or "keys" to a story on another page. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a handy pocket-size bottle of Maybe You Touched Your Genitals hand sanitizer, donated by 22-time Loser David Garratt. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 2; results to be published May 22 (May 20 online). Include "Week 916" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Dave Prevar; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. REPORT FROM WEEK 912, in which we asked you to find a word inside another word, pair it with the original word, and define the resulting phrase. There were far too many clever "pair-a-phrases" than we had room for in the print paper; the final 24 results on this page appear on the Web only. The winner of the Inker: "I'm miming!": One of the least heard phrases in the English language. (Michael Reinemer, Annandale, Va.) 2. Winner of the "Gorila Snott" green hair gel from Guatemala: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Al: To describe himself properly, Gore invented this moniker. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) 3. "Whatever, Eve": The first-ever male response to nagging. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 4. Perv supervisor: A boss who .?.?. hey, my eyes are up here, pal! (Mike Turniansky, Pikes­ville, Md.) OK jOKes: Honorable mentions Pawlenty awl: A boring tool. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Massacre Acre: What the other teams call FedEx Field. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Superman perm: Mane of Steel. (Chris Rivera, Burke, Va., a First Offender) Act I Attraction: Nude scene at the start of a play to assure that the audience arrives on time. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Eek peek: A compulsive look at something you know you don't want to see. (Roger Hammons, North Potomac, Md.) Peace Ace: A little-known nickname for Mahatma Gandhi. (Molly Kelley, Columbia, Md., a First Offender) Emergency Merge: A shotgun wedding. (Roger Hammons) Trappist rap: Silence, but with attitude. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Volcano can: What you get after bringing home a six-pack on your bicycle. (Jennifer Sklarew, Washington; Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Zirconia con: When you care enough to put your cheapo ring in a blue Tiffany box. (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario, a First Offender) Tarpon TARP: A way of protecting the really big fish. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) Trumpet rump: The person inevitably in front of you in the elevator. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Official CIA: The one in Langley , not the one that [redacted] (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Cement inducements: Mafia "offers." (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) Candid candidates: Also-rans. (Peter Siegwald, Arlington, Va.; Todd Carton, Wheaton, Md.) Tabernacle NaCl: Morton for Mormons. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) On occasionally: Pepco finally sets a customer service goal it can achieve. (S.P. Nudd, Brookeville, Md., a First Offender) Urban turban: A do-rag. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Bella Rubella: The lesser-known cousin of Typhoid Mary. (Mark Sasseville, Burke, Va.) Zucchini Chin: What the mean kids used to call Jay Leno. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.; S.P. Nudd) Sesquipedalian quip: Yoknapatawphaesque cachinnation-inducing repartee. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Valentine Lent: Forty days of abstinence. (Nancy Schwalb) Got bigotry? The slogan on the KKK recruiting poster. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Disputin' Putin: The new Russian roulette. (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) Insipid sip: Instant decaf. (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg, Md.) Wind Dwindle: Rejected initial name for Beano. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Her Netherlands: His travel destination. (Chris Doyle) Academy cad: An officer but not a gentleman. (Pam Sweeney) A-Rod parody: A-Rod. (Craig Dykstra) Omit vomit: Since 1992, the State Department's Guideline No. 1 in its briefing for presidential visits to Japan. (Michael Reinemer) Snooze ooze: Drool. (Roger Hammons) Nihilist "hi": "#$%#$ you!" (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Cholesterol holes: The means by which all flavor escapes from fat-free versions of popular foods. (Brendan Beary) Pit spit: Economy alternative to Right Guard. (Jim Reagan) "I Farmville": "I am an AARP member." (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Epitaph pit: The corner of the newsroom where the obit writers sit. (David Komornik, Danville, Va.) Bangladesh Glades: An example of way too euphemistic real estate copy. (Brendan Beary) Effin' reffin': Fans' common explanation for their team's loss. (Michael Reinemer) Fort Comfortable: My man-cave. (Todd Carton) Introvert Rover: A dog that prefers to sniff his own butt. (Ann Martin) Britannia tan: A paler shade of white. (Christopher Lamora) Porcupine Cup: Coveted trophy of the Yokelympic Games. (Jeff Contompasis) Garbage garb: Anything worn by the ex's new floozy. (Pam Sweeney) Orchestra chest: A pair of big bassoons. (Nancy Schwalb) Lace shoelace: Lady Gaga's latest concert outfit. (M. Lilly Welsh, Oakton, Va.) Cat delicatessen: The bird feeder. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Zimbabwe MBA: Offers concentrations in sadistics, inhuman resources and operations mismanagement. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Fantasy ant: A worker who daydreams of being a queen. (Lawrence McGuire) Snopes nope: That latest amazing video on Facebook, refuted. (Dave Coutts, Severna Park, Md.) Probably rob ably: Could be a Chicago politician. (Pam Sweeney) Rogaine gain: Gone today, hair tomorrow. (Craig Dykstra) Presto rest: 4.0 winks. (Kevin Dopart) Camouflage flag: Battle banner of the Royal Dweebian Army. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Tangerine anger: Non-criminal form of OJ rage. (Kevin Dopart) Concubine cub: Oops. (Tom Witte) Equipment quip: What Richard Johnson hears all the time. (Pam Sweeney) Next week: Bring up the rear, or Tail Spin ====================================================================== WEEK 917, published May 1, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 917 Wryku By Pat Myers, Friday, April 29, 11:44 AM Hi there, you tourists! Those pink things happen each year. Please walk to the right. In honor of last month's Cherry Blossom Festival, The Washington Post invited readers to submit haiku musing on the annual bloomfest. There were lots of lovely thoughts published online, such as "Witness the blush of springtime" and "Winter loosens its cold grasp," but precious few with humor or wryness (the one above, by the poet identified only as "theturtle," was a rare exception). That's okay; that's what we're here for. This week: Write a haiku — which we'll too broadly define as a sentiment that can be broken into three lines with exactly five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third — on any subject that's been in the news in the past couple of weeks. You may add a title in addition to the three lines. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of Fighting Granddads, a pair of wind-up bearded codgers that swing canes at each other. (See video in the online Week 917 at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational.) Donated by Rick Haynes. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 9; results to be published May 29 (May 27 online). Include "Week 917" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results was submitted separately by Tom Witte and Jeff Contompasis; his week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Judy Blanchard. Report from Week 913, in which we asked you to move the last letter of a word to the beginning of the word, then define the result. As usual with neologisms, the results tend to relate somehow to the original. So you have to puzzle them out a little. Most frequently submitted: Dozens of definitions for "Aliby." The winner of the Inker: Snipple: Babies agree: the Best Stuff on Earth. (Kyle Bonney, Fairfax, Va.) 2. Winner of the View-Master with pictures of Graceland: Norso Swelle: A former wunderkind who, in retrospect, maybe wasn't so great after all. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 3. Lb.-age: What you'll add from overeating breakfast carbs. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) 4. O-ring: A band that holds a group together but is the weakest part of it. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Back-ups: Honorable mentions Lil-lega: Ringer on a kids' baseball team. (Loris McVittie, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) Okimon: What men say to women in Tokyo bars. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Tap-art-men: Your upstairs neighbors. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.) Achin': How the United States feels about its trade deficit. (Xin Yu, Columbus, Ohio, a First Offender) Scus: "Pardon my French." (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Dbu: Former world leader also known as "the Light." (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Aide: Where the boss's idea came from. (Roger Hammons, North Potomac, Md.) Eros: That which by any other name would still be as sweet. (Craig Dykstra) Skid: When a woman's career slides to a stop, often to her delight. (Heather Hancock, Leesburg, Va., a First Offender) Demeral: Besides the poppies, another opiate openly available in Oz. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Oh: "My son has told me so much about you." (Judy Blanchard) COPE: A consortium of oil princes who get by on just a few billion a year. (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario) Amani: A passion for fashion. (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) Krappahannoc: Virginia's dirtiest river. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Sexodu: The Old Testament abridged to focus on all the "begat" bits. (Brendan Beary) Sher: Consistent answer to the wife's request for whatever you have. (Joe Braceland, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) Eautomobil: The long-awaited car that runs on water. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Soriole: A Baltimore fan after 13 straight losing seasons. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Rishta: A measure of a movie's lousiness. "Tom Cruise's latest is a 7 on the Rishta scale." (Craig Dykstra) P-poo: The only naughty word left in the "family" version of "The King's Speech." (Mike Creveling, La Plata) Splatypu: A disgusting mess found on Australian highways. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) I-jacuzz: Who peed in the hot tub? (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Scatalog: Improvised toilet paper. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Wafterglo: A post-flatulent feeling of satisfaction. (Christy Tosatto, Olney, Md., a First Offender) Tenlistmen: Letterman's army of writers. (Kevin Dopart) Eon-C: The epoch in which all fairy tales take place. (Stan McLeroy, Herndon, Va., a First Offender) Yessa: Giving the English teacher exactly what the English teacher asked for. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Linguina: Bulbous pasta whose Italian name means "little hernias." (Tony Phelps, Washington) Otomat: A coin-operated vegetable stand. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) And last: Sinker: Someone who'd lower himself to send stupid potty jokes to win some cheap prize. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Next week: Foaling around, or Horsefathers ====================================================================== WEEK 918, published May 8, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 918 Grandfoals By Pat Myers, Friday, May 6, 10:03 AM And in the next leg of the Invitational's Double Crown, it's our eighth annual grandfoal contest: This week: "Breed" any two "foals" in today's results, or one foal with one of the real horse names used in today's entries and name the "grandfoal." Again, the name may not exceed 18 characters, including spaces, and your entry shouldn't remotely duplicate any of today's results. And you're again limited to 25 entries. Don't single-space your list lest you incur The Wrath of the Empress; she's just getting over her wrathiness from four weeks ago. ? Today we also reveal one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets for honorable mentions, designed as usual by Invite Scribbler Bob Staake. The slogan, by Tom Witte, was an HM in the Week 905 Loser mug contest. We'll show you the other new magnet soon. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an actual working bullhorn, with "speak" and "alarm" settings, that has been sitting in the Invite Prize Closet for years. For some reason, it is labeled, in 1960s-style groovy lettering a la "The Dating Game," "The Makeup Phone." Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, maybe one of the new ones. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 9; results published June 5 (June 3 online). Include "Week 918" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Complete rules at washingtonpost.com/ styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle and Andrew Hoenig. Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, where the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community. Report from Week 914, our 17th annual contest in which we asked you to "breed" any two horses from a list of 100 Triple Crown-eligible mounts and name the foal. As usual, we received a ridiculous number of entries, more than 6,000. You might be pleased to know — the management surely is — that the zillions of fart jokes prompted by the horse Beyond the Wind canceled one another out. So many First Offenders this week, we'll just use asterisks. The winner of the Inker: Cloud Man x Extra Fifty = Meatierologist (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) 2. Winner of the odd kitchen implement with the comically badly translated directions: Old Guys Rule x Brilliant Speed = Balder Dash (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) 3. Archarcharch x Pants on Fire = Frying Buttresses (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 4. Midnight Interlude x Litigate = Run Around, Sue (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Churchill downers: Honorable mentions Litigate x Perfect Coconut = Subpoena Colada (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) Casino Host x Old Guys Rule = Geezers Palace (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Purely Awesome x Meistersinger = Bodacious Cantatas (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Coil x Hot Faucet = This Is Spiral Tap (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.; Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario) Birdway + Prime Objective = Your Windshield (*Craig Schopmeyer, Kensington, Md.) Moon on Fire x Pants on Fire = Clumsy Astronaut (*Rachel S. Depo, Middletown, Md.) Red Maserati x Iscar = So Is Red Yugo (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Cat Sweep x Coil = Helix Himself (Dudley Thompson) Sinai x Pants on Fire = The Burning Tush (Steve Price, New York; Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Astrology x Litigate = Seer-Sucker Suit (Michael Reinemer, Annandale, Va.) Night Party x Crossed the Line = I'm So Soiree (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Cryin Out Loud x Major Art = Moaner Lisa (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Supreme Leader x Humble and Hungry = Czar Nickel-less (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Astrology x Kid You Not = Avoid Capricorn (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) Old Guys Rule x Annual Update = Yep Same Old Guys (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.; Dan Kinney, Charlottesville, Va.) Annual Update x Cryin Out Loud = State of the Onion (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) Annual Update x Back Room Deal = My Colonoscopy (Tom Panther, Springfield, Va.; Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) Coil x Break Up the Game = Curl, Interrupted (Chris Doyle) Concealed Identity x Purely Awesome = IncogNeato (David Komornik, Danville, Va.; Dan Steinberg, Silver Spring, Md.) Incredible Alex x Brethren = Ovech-Kin (Sam Laudenslager, Burke, Va.) Turbulent Descent x Astrology = Fall to Pisces (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Concealed Identity x Awed = Alias in Wonderland (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria) Balladry x Brethren = Poetry and Bros (*Jennifer Thornton, Washington) Major Art x Humble and Hungry = Art Major (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.; Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Old Guys Rule x Sinai = See Nile (Susan Thompson) Archarcharch x Pants on Fire: Ouchouchouch (*Ginny Cooper, Columbia, Md.) .?.?. or: Charcharchar (Jeff Contompasis; Nannette Lanham, Middleburg, Va.; Jonathan Hardis ) Pants on Fire x Moon on Fire = Third Degree Bum (Roger Hammons, North Potomac, Md.) Purely Awesome x Dominus = I'm Like OMG (Jonathan Paul) Burns x Humble and Hungry = Sears No Bucks (Malcolm Fleschner; Kevin Dopart, Washington) And last in the print Post: Comma to the Top x Prime Objective = A Post Trophy (*Mark Glass, Frenchs Forest, Australia; Larry Yungk) And running on the extra added extra bonus track, some more honorable mentions appearing only online (these may also be used for the Week 918 grandfoals contest): Bomber Boy x Anthony's Cross = Enola Goy (Steve Shapiro) Supreme Ruler x Night Party = Alito Night Music (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Dreamy Kid x Bomber Boy = When Will She B-17 (Dudley Thompson) Coil x Leave of Absence = Spring Break (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Back Room Deal x Red Maserati = Bribe and Vroom (Jeff Contompasis) Uncle Mo x Crossed the Line = Aunt Mo (Beverley Sharp) Crushing x Sweet Ducky = QuackUnderPressure (Brendan Beary) Anthony's Cross x Manhattan Man = Testy ToNY (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Major Art x Become the Wind = DeGas (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Comma to the Top x Burns = Apostrophoenix (Brian Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Archarcharch x Old Guys Rule = AARPAARPAARP (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Anthony's Cross x French Fury = Antoine to You (*Carol Passar, Reston, Va.) Fly on the Wall x Small Town Talk = Buzz (*Vinnie Perrone, Burtonsville, Md.) Astrology x Smash = Taurus a New One (J.D. Berry, Springfield) Old Hickory x Pants on Fire = Roasted Nuts (Mark Eckenwiler) Brilliant Speed x Pants on Fire = Haulin' Ash (*Angela Dale, Ellicott City, Md.) Astrology x Guest Star = Ophiucus (*Melanie Carson, Rockville, Md.) Anthony's Cross x Mucho Macho Man = Mister T (Melanie Carson) Cloud Man x Kid You Not = You Cant Be Cirrus (J.D. Berry; Brendan Beary; May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) Red Maserati x Brilliant Speed = Now I Don't Drive (*Johnny Lanham, Columbia, S.C.) Concealed Identity x Positive Response = Private Aye (Kathy Hardis Fraeman) Dreamy Kid x Back Room Deal = Justin Briber (Jonathan Hardis) And Last: Back Room Deal x Extra Fifty = Finally, a Magnet (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg) Next week: Picture This, or What Lines Beneath ====================================================================== WEEK 919, published May 15, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 919 Good luck with 13 By Pat Myers, Friday, May 13, 10:17 AM The Darting Game: The last stop at Match.com. Anti-baterial: What garlic soap is. We won't have another Friday the 13th for the rest of the year, so we'll use this week for this contest suggested by 50-time Loser Mike Ostapiej: Alter a 13-letter word, phrase or name by one letter (add a letter, drop a letter, switch two letters somewhere in the word, or substitute one letter for another) and describe the result. Note that it's the original, not the result, that requires 13 letters. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a large red mug emblazoned with a famous quote from the movie "Cars": "I eat losers for breakfast." So it's kind of a Loser mug — a loser of a Loser mug. Donated by Kathy Hardis Fraeman. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 23; results published June 12 (June 10 online). Include "Week 919" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See complete rules at washingtonpost.com/ styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results was submitted separately by Kevin Dopart and Mae Scanlan this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, where the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community. Report from Week 915, in which we asked for captions for the cartoons by Style Invitational pen-for-hire Bob Staake: The winner of the Inker: Cartoon A: Why you should never learn new tricks from an old dog.(Jack Hingel, Fairfax Station, Va., a First Offender) 2. Winner of the paper cups with pictures of noses on them: Cartoon D: "Hey, my Kindle stopped working!") (Mark Asquino, Washington) 3. Cartoon A: The Viagra nasal spray still had a few kinks to be worked out. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) 4. Cartoon C: After being treated for jaundice and a visit to the orthodontist, Pac-Man decided a short vacation was in order. (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) Pity as a picture: Honorable mentions CARTOON A Rover had the uncanny ability to look and even dress like a human. But in the end the worms gave him away. (Donald Carter, Wayne, N.J.) It was just a small black hole, but it was more than a match for Jackson's feeble efforts to resist it. (Steven Seymour, Clarksburg, Md., a First Offender) The rules of the new scratch-off lottery game do seem a bit bizarre. (Jan Broulik, Chevy Chase, Md.) "What do you mean? I AM getting a grip!" (Kevin Tansey, Washington, a First Offender) Cameron tries out for Harvard's air rowing team. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Hard of hearing after years of concert gigs, Ronnie Dunn misheard the request for "Boot Scootin' Boogie." (Steve Johnson, Alexandria, Va.) CARTOON B As chief of the Morality Board, Mrs. Wigtree resolutely removed all the cathouses from our neighborhood. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Edna was disappointed to go home from the AARP Atomic Science Competition with only a B. (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) Every morning, Mrs. Ned Ludd would drag the appliances back into the house. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) When push comes to stove. (Tom Witte) Ms. Smith's new WiFi Deprivation Chamber put some teeth back in kindergarten timeouts. (Russ Taylor, Vienna, Va.) Tired of both George and his "hiding place," Mary pushes them both to the curb. (Edward Gordon, Austin) Impressive, but did she really need another automatic nose-sharpener? (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Enraged by the position of the toilet seat, Nancy destroyed the time machine before Ed could return from next Tuesday. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) After it kept her up all night again, Marge decided her hamster-powered washing machine had to go. (Sharon Kaltwasser, Lusby, Md., a First Offender) CARTOON C Jen ruefully understood that Frank needed his space. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Trudy asks the magic ball, "Will I ever grow feet?" (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) "Your facial expression fails to conceal your disappointment that I lack an external mating apparatus." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) The Smithsonian scientist began to conclude that the moon rocks were fake after she noticed the bar code. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Olga ended up voting for Pat Buchanan when the sensor in Florida's new biometric polling device misread her eye twitches. (Michael Peck, Alexandria, Va.) Little R2's Halloween costume looked cute but did little to disguise his identity. (Roger Stone, Gaithersburg, Md.) Cindy Cyclops couldn't understand all the fuss about 3-D TV. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) CARTOON D Having sex on the water slide turned out to be way more fun for Mortimer than it was for Lucinda. (Ken Schwartz, Burke, Va.) Ed felt safer using the tethered fun noodle. (Arlee Green, Las Cruces, N.M.) "Eureka! I'm fat!" (Judy Blanchard) This is why they should never let contestants on "The Biggest Loser" use the diving board the first week of the show. (Marleen May, Rockville, Md.) Next week: Bank shots, or Har-mangled banners ====================================================================== WEEK 920, published May 22, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 920 A turn of phrases By Pat Myers, Friday, May 20, 10:40 AM The Empress received an urgent communique recently from official Washington Post fart joke writer Gene Weingarten, noting that "Greeks bearing gifts" means the same, in the original context, as "gifts bearing Greeks." He went on to say essentially that he had just made the wittiest observation in human history. At least it inspired us to redo the chiasmus contest we last did in 1999. This week: Write an original chiasmus, a witticism in which the elements of a phrase are inverted for comedic effect. Your line may include both the original and inverted terms, or just one if the other is obvious. You may also use homophones of the original, e.g., "chaste/chased," and transpose the beginnings of the words spoonerism-style, as in "icked weevildoer," as Bill Strauss of the Capitol Steps described Osama bin Laden. Your chiasmus can be either a sentence or the answer to a riddle-style question you give. (Gene was so excited by this contest that he's been given permission by Post management to enter it, and future Invite contests, under various pseudonyms — with two conditions: that he can't get a prize if he gets ink, and that, just before press time, after the Empress has chosen the winners, he reveal the pseudonym, and she'll note that to readers if she had deemed his entry inkworthy in the first place.) Winner (unless it's Gene) gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a CD of rock songs done in the style of Gregorian chant, donated by perennial prize donator Cheryl Davis. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 30; results published June 19 (June 17 online). Include "Week 920" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Complete rules at washingtonpost.com/ styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart, as is this week's honorable-mentions subhead. Report from Week 916, our recurring "Mess With Our Heads" contest in which we asked you to reinterpret a headline on a Washington Post story or ad by adding your own "bank head," or subtitle: The winner of the Inker: Real headline: Top architect, once rooted in the sky, comes down to Earth Bank head: Almighty Creator opens Tysons office 'to try My hand at condos' (John Shea, Philadelphia) 2. Winner of the bottle of Maybe You Touched Your Genitals hand sanitizer: In poll, most Egyptians have unfavorable view of U.S. Experts blame Atlantic Ocean, Mediterranean Sea (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) 3. Install and service now! Be cool later! Britons promise loyalty to Kate if she soon produces heir (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 4. Holder says he's not going anywhere Kicker was wary of the 'Lucy trick' (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Lower-interest banks: Honorable mentions Snake cuts power to thousands of Pepco customers CEO personally throws the switch at ceremony kicking off thunderstorm season (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Redskins may look to move down Going below last place could be difficult (Roy Ashley, Washington) [story was about the order of draft picks] Few travelers on Mexico's 'Highway of Death' Some believe it may have something to do with its name (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Obama sends drones to Libya Human rights groups decry 'barbaric' use of bagpipes on civilians (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Harry Reid's high-stakes China gamble Senate leader to try the pull-the-tablecloth trick at state dinner (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Donate your car Leaving keys in ignition should do the trick (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Ukraine's Putin? Major gas leak rumored near Kiev (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Iraq urged to decide whether to request extension for U.S. troops Pentagon says options are "Yes" and "Yes" (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Eyes and ears of their bosses No longer content with stealing office supplies, laid-off workers take grisly trophies (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Food study says meat pathogens are costliest But consumers still prefer them 2 to 1 over dairy, vegetable pathogens (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) 'Thanks for bringing him home' Nats fan expresses gratitude for rare RBI (Jeff Contompasis) Va. man allegedly leads police on high-speed chase State trooper claims he was ahead the whole way (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Orange was kept waiting on a phone call Was at least glad they didn't say "banana" again (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) Perfect antidote to April's showers? Just turn away when they open their raincoats and start showing, says police chief (John Shea) Replace a window shutter If your spouse keeps denying you your fresh air, get a new one (Beverley Sharp) Some assembly required Tea party grudgingly acknowledges necessity of legislative branch (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) A soundtrack for Metro 'Shake, Rattle and Roll' is opening cut (Jeff Contompasis) Packers can't visit Obama yet GOP cancels moving-van order (Elden Carnahan) Russians slowly turning to whiskey Unforeseen consequence of eating barley and sleeping in oak casks (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Easter Egg Roll at the White House New dish at state dinner served with bunny casserole (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Holder says he's not going anywhere 'I'll be assisted as soon as a customer service representative becomes available,' man on phone states confidently (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) You are here .?.?. and here .?.?. and here Graphic new Wii game is based on "Saw" movies (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) No Ticket-Fixing Now, Bloomberg Says (a) N.Y. officials institute 30-day waiting period (Roger Hammons, North Potomac, Md.) (b) Mayor urges McCain to forgive himself for VP choice and move on (Gary Crockett) 'When I close my eyes, I see my children' Angelina Jolie has her 6 kids' faces tattooed onto inner eyelids (David Garratt, Glenn Dale, Md.) As the Capitals advance, a little housekeeping is in order Team ordered to clean up trail of teeth, bloody bandages (Dave Prevar) Williams sisters draw large crowd Poor match attendance leads Venus and Serena to sketch lots of little faces on backdrop (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Keeping the faith in York (a) Candymaker introduces mint-flavored Communion wafers (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) (b) 42 years later, die-hard fans still upset about 'Bewitched' Darrin switch (Pam Sweeney) Postal Service workers accept buyout offers Early-retirement packages had been mailed in 1987 (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) Caught in the crackdown Senator admits low-rider jeans were mistake (Roger Dalrymple) 30 new cell sites. And we're not stopping there. [Verizon ad] White House releases red-state Gitmo transfer plan (Kevin Dopart) Down in the mouth Sleep researchers describe 'pillow-chewing syndrome' (Gary Crockett) Why I am suing Washington City Paper Redskins owner guesses: 'Because I am a pathetic jerk?' (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) Royal wedding watch Conditions are capable of producing a wedding in and around the watch area (William Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio) Ducks 6, Predators 3 National Geographic resident fowl startle tourists by fighting back (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) The battles we don't plan for Newlyweds shocked as pile of dirty dishes grows (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Improving a quarter at a time Metro installs tip jars to finance escalator renovations (Valerie Matthews, Ashton, Md.) Next week: Wryku, or Ode News ====================================================================== WEEK 921, published May 29, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 921 Give us the Willies By Pat Myers, Friday, May 27, 4:30 AM Little Willie, oh, so shy, Poked a stick in father's eye, Mother yelled, "Now don't you bawl, You darned old fool — you've seen it all." We found the inspiring bit of verse above at RuthlessRhymes.com as an example of a "Little Willie" poem — a venerable four-line genre in which Master W. does some nasty thing and, well, doesn't tend to learn to Be a Good Boy by poem's end. Ms. Less, whose role as her family's genealogist keeps her looking through old newspapers, found that one, by a Claude Miller, in the Nevada State Journal of Feb. 1, 1932. (You think bad taste in newspaper copy is some recent development?) We learned about these poems by busy contest-suggester Malcolm Fleschner, who remembers his grandmother telling them. This week: Write an original Little Willie poem, perhaps reflecting our current era. Don't submit it to Ruthless Rhymes until after these results run in four weeks; we won't publish it here if it's already there. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a purple coffee mug featuring the logo of Scoop Away, "America's No. 1 Clumping Cat Litter." Donated by 110-time Loser Phil Frankenfeld. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 6; results published June 26 (June 24 online). Include "Week 921" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Complete rules at washingtonpost.com/ styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Andrew Hoenig; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, where the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. Report from Week 917, in which we asked for haiku (in its loosest definition of any 5-7-5-syllable poem) referring to recent news. The contest ran in the May 1 Post. In the preceding days, some people had a big wedding and President Obama had had fun embarrassing Donald Trump. And right on May 1, the president appeared on on TV with something else to write about. First, we'd like to show off the second of our two new Loser magnets for honorable mentions; they arrived this week at the Invitational's imperial office building, the Crumlin. We'll start sending it out, along with our other new magnet, as soon as we use up the 2010-11 set — this week or next. The slogans both got ink in, but didn't win, the contest for the slogan of the new Loser Mug. And both happen to be by Double Hall of Fame Loser Tom Witte. As always, the magnets were designed and created by the incredibly magnetic Bob Staake. (By the way, if you get an honorable mention and you have your heart set on one or the other of these magnets, e-mailthe Empress no later than the Sunday that the Invite runs, and she'll try to remember.) The winner of the Inker: Where's Hillary? The man who edits Photographs for Di Tzeitung Is a son of a ???. (Danny Bravman, Chicago) 2. Winner of the pair of Fighting Granddads: Joyous wedding tears For Kate, replaced with fears of Kids with Grandpa's ears. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) 3. Springtime in D.C.! Two things ruin outdoor fun: Mosquitoes and Nats. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 4. When Kate wed William, "For richer or for poorer" Was more howl than vow. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Nice tryku: Honorable mentions "Burial at sea": The ultimate jettison. But doesn't scum float? (Elise Jacobs, Silver Spring, Md.) Welcome, Osama! We hope you don't mind sharing a room with Adolf. (Miles Moore, Alexandria, Va.) That hopey-changey Thing, Sarah, is working out Fine. Thanks for asking. (Anne Paris, Arlington, Va.) GOP budget Gives all 54-year-olds Cardiac arrest. (J.S. Hedegard, Skokie, Ill., a First Offender) Donald Trump is rich. But if he were president, There'd be hell toupee. (Lindsey Elling, Millersville, Md., an 11th-grader whose English teacher assigned the contest to her class; a First Offender) "Trump, as requested I have the long form for you: Yooooouuu aaaaarrrre suuuch aaaa twiiiiiittt." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Mr. President, Where did your mom's water break? Show us the birth stain! (Yvonne Yoerger, Annandale, Va., a First Offender) Escalator ride Cut short by an unsealed hatch: Metro opens floors. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Kraken attacking? Cruel orthodontic device? No, it's just Bea's hat. (Christy Tosatto, Brookeville, Md.) Pity football fans: For us, unlike in baseball, One strike and we're out. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) NFL lockout: Expect the 'Skins to have their Best season in years. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) BIG HEADLINES ON ICE! A FIRST-ROUND ROMP FOR THE CAPS! THEN .?.?. drat .?.?. lowercase. ("Manny Banuelos," revealed after the judging to be The Post's Gene Weingarten; he wins no prize) Tornadoes wiped out Our power. Can't watch Fox News. Don't know what to think. (Matt Egan, Reston, Va., a First Offender) Newspapers' use of "Enhanced interrogation" Tortures the language. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) "We must raise taxes!" "No, we must lower taxes!" Budget: Can't budge it. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Doomsday came and went. Looks like my haiku is still alive and kicking. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Next week: Colt following, or Once more with foaling ====================================================================== WEEK 922, published June 5, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 922 A Banner week By Pat Myers, Friday, June 3, 1:11 AM It's a cliche to complain about how hard it is to sing our national anthem. So this week, let's have a contest to .?.?. ah, no, let's not solve the problem by coming up with a new song. Instead, let's keep the troublesome melody and instead: Write entirely new, humorous lyrics to the tune of "The Star-Spangled Banner"; they can be on any subject, though the results will be published in the paper on July 3, just in time to be sung on Independence Day. This contest was suggested by Arizona State University choral professor David Schildkret, whose choir recorded various Losers' parodies on "Shenandoah" for us back in 2006. While we need only your written lyrics, feel free to record them and post them online (and give us the link), as long as they haven't already been published before today. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a brake pedal that a back-seat driver can use to calm his or her nerves when feeling that the car is out of control. It's attached to nothing but a mat, but if you get the batteries to work, it's supposed to make a screeching noise. Donated by Ellen Raphaeli. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 13; results published July 3 (July 1 online). Include "Week 922" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Complete rules at washingtonpost.com/ styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Judy Blanchard; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Dixon Wragg. Report from Week 918, our annual "grandfoals" contest in which we asked you to "breed" the winning names of the foal name contest from Week 914, either with each other or with one of the original names: The winner of the Inker: Helix Himself x Supreme Ruler = DNA Ross (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) 2. Winner of the working bullhorn labeled "The Makeup Phone": Brethren x Taurus a New One = Romulus and Reamus (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3. Alito Night Music x Poetry and Bros = Sam Iamb (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) 4. Cloud Man x My Colonoscopy = Sun Don't Shine (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) Unequus: Honorable mentions AARPAARPAARP x Positive Response = Old Man and the Si (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) AliasInWonderland x Curl, Interrupted = Lewis Clairol (Steve Price, New York) Alito Night Music x Pants on Fire = SamSong and DeLiar (Chris Doyle) This Is Spiral Tap x Sinai = Goes to a Levin (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Art Major x Turbulent Descent = Diane Airbus (Jonathan Paul) Major Art x Art Major = A Miro Image (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) My Colonoscopy x Astrology = Sigmoid Fraud (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) Uncle Mo x Aunt Mo = Dad's Bro No Mo (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Crossed the Line x DeGas = Border Petrol (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) Dominus x Buzz = Lord of the Flies (Tim Watts, Temple Hills, Md., a First Offender) Taurus a New One x Spring Break = Warranty Expired (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Buzz x Spring Break = Lightyear's Away (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) Concealed Identity x Roasted Nuts = ACORN (Kevin Dopart, Washington) My Colonoscopy x Casino Host = Procto & Gamble (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.; Laurel Gainor, Great Falls, Va.) Yep Same Old Guys x Awed = CialisInWonderland (Steve Price) Moaner Lisa x Ouchouchouch = Da Winci (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) Curl, Interrupted x I'm So Soiree = Twist of Fete (Chris Doyle) Antoine to You x Pants on Fire = Haute Pockets (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) I'm Like OMG x When Will She B-17 = LOLita (Pam Sweeney) Now I Don't Drive x I'm like OMG = Valet Girl (Jeremy Levin, Washington) Alito Night Music x Cat Sweep = Sam Spayed (Laurie Brink; Jonathan Paul) Czar Nickel-Less x Run Around, Sue = Roamin' Off (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) Clumsy Astronaut x I'm Like OMG = I'm Like 0-g (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.) Manhattan Man x QuackUnderPressure = Donald! Duck! (Kathy Hardis Fraeman) Geezers Palace x Humble and Hungry = Dentured Servants (Trevor Kerr) See Nile x Ouchouchouch = Cairopractor (Doug Frank, Crosby Tex.; Jeremy Levin) QuackUnderPressure x State of the Onion = Doctor Peelgood (J.D. Berry) Red Maserati x Extra Fifty = Buys a Key Chain (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Clumsy Astronaut x Sears No Bucks = Free Fall Catalogue (Ben Aronin) My Colonoscopy x See Nile = Moon River (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) AliasInWonderland x You Cant Be Cirrus = Pseudonymbus (Beverley Sharp; Kevin Dopart; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Geezers Palace x Night Party = Hip Op' Club (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) QuackUnderPressure x Concealed Identity = Duck and Cover (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.; Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) QuackUnderPressure x Crushing = Fatal Mallardy (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario) Art Major x Major Art = Cross Hatching (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Apostrophoenix x My Colonoscopy = Resurrectum (Mike Turniansky) Subpoena Colada x My Colonoscopy = Bar Exam (Laurie Brink) Buzz x Your Windshield = Applied Entomology (Drew Bennett) Czar Nickel-less x State of the Onion = Crimea River (Steve Price) Old Guys Rule x When Will She B-17 = Old Guys Drool (Beverley Sharp) DeGas x Now I Don't Drive = Van No Gogh (Susan Geariety; Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.) My Colonscopy x DeGas = Rear Wind Ow! (Mike Turniansky) Czar Nickel-less x My Colonoscopy = In Arrears (Sam Laudenslager, Burke, Va.; Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) See Nile x Helix Himself = That's My Grandpa! (Michael Seaton, Bowie, Md.) Geezers Palace x Astrology = McCain's 7th House (Pam Sweeney) Major Art x My Colonoscopy = PeekAssOh (Michael Reinemer, Annandale, Va.; John O'Byrne, Dublin) Aunt Mo x My Colonoscopy = Up the Auntie (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville) Bodacious Cantatas x Fall to Pisces = O, for Tuna (Laurie Brink; Jonathan Hardis) [Also, look at this great commercial.] Moaner Lisa x Birdway = La Giocondor (Barry Koch) Bodacious Cantatas x Astrology = MusicOfTheSpheres (Dan Kinney, Charlottesville, Va.) Balladry x Ouchouchouch = Minstrel Cramps (Russell Beland) Frying Buttresses x My Colonoscopy = Goth Ick (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va., a First Offender) Charcharchar x Extra Fifty = Burn in L (Mae Scanlan, Washington) And Last: A Post Trophy x Incogneato = Invisible Inker (Larry Yungk, Arlington) And Really Last: A Post Trophy x Turbulent Descent = Trash Landing (Beverley Sharp) Next week: Get lucky with 13, or The LeXIIIcon ====================================================================== WEEK 923, published June 12, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 923 Chemical wordfare By Pat Myers, Friday, June 10, 2:40 AM The Carpin' Jonoxide: A chief contributor of emissions to a poisonous political atmosphere. Newtron: A highly charged part of a political element at the lowest level. Back in 1997, the Invitational contributed to modern chemistry by adding such elements to the periodic table as Limbaughium ("emits heat but no light .?.?. repellent to protons and electrons; only succeeds in attracting morons") and, yes, Newtium ("does not possess magnetic properties"). While obviously some of the 14-year-old entries are still painfully timely, we agree with Obsessive Loser (and chemical engineer) Jeff Contompasis that it's time for an update. This week: Create a new chemical element or other chemical term, as in Jeff's unfair-and-balanced examples at the top. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a full-size football made of solid — or as solid as it can be — clear Bubble Wrap, embellished with blue Bubble Wrap "laces" and stripes. It was sent to The Post around Super Bowl time by the Bubble Wrap people, probably in a last-ditch attempt to hold on to their brand name before it officially turns into the lowercase generic noun it really already is. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 20; results published July 10 (July 8 online). Include "Week 923" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See the complete rules and guidelines here. The online version of this column contains extra entries. The revised title for next week's results is by Mae Scanlan; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, where the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. Report from Week 919, in which we asked you to start with a 13-letter word, name or phrase; add a letter, drop a letter, switch two letters somewhere in the word, or substitute one letter for another; and describe the result, which might have 12 or 14 letters. The most frequently submitted phrase: "Osama Sin Laden." The winner of the Inker: Doom with a view: Recent listing for penthouse in Abbottabad (David Ballard, Reston, Va., a First Offender) 2. Winner of the "I Eat Losers for Breakfast" mug: Typochondriac: A paranoid proofreader. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) 3. Sodamasochist: Someone who drinks Diet Coke after eating Mentos. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) 4. Watercoorist:A brewer of tasteless, weak beer. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Treizepassers: honorable mentions Nosama bin Laden: Better "never," but "the late" will do. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Sinfinitesimal: Hardly worth going to confession for. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington, Va.) Panticommunism: Even Marx didn't mean for the abolition of private property to go that far. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Defibillator: A lie detector. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Total meltdow: A stock market crash. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Hoverachievers: Helicopter parents. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Sunderachievers: Divorce lawyers. (Tom Witte) Membarrassment: An open fly. (Theresa Kowal, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) Childpoofing: What pageant moms do. (Kurt Stahl, Frederick, Md.) Duchess of Dork: Beatrice. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) Let's Mike a Deal: Recruitment slogan for DEA agents. (Loris McVittie, Rockville, Md.) To bed or not to be: The worldview of a sex addict. (Submitted under a pseudonym and revealed after judging to be The Post's Gene Weingarten; he gets no prize except questionable glory) Sirendipitous: Describing a man's ability to find, without really trying, the woman who will ruin him. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Seventh heave: The apotheosis of worshiping the porcelain god. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Gruel, to be kind: Airline food in economy class. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Streeptococcus: The acting bug. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) "The Naked Ruth": TV ratings plummeted after Dr. Westheimer began giving live demos. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Interrorgation: Rejected euphemism for waterboarding. (Johnny Lanham, Columbia, S.C.) Bleakfast menu: A few old danishes on the motel sideboard. (Roger Hammons, North Potomac, Md.) Freudian ships: Submarines. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) Bloopingdale's: For great deals on irregular fashions. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton, Md.) Goop and Plenty: Melts in the box, not in your mouth. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Pen and teller: Minimal banking. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Breastfeeling: What's promoted by the La Lecher League. (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va., a First Offender) Sintermission: Pausing to have a cigarette and regain strength. (Tony Phelps, Washington) Big Bong theory: Cosmological theory of expan .?.?. hey, dude, you done with those potato chips? (Donald Carter, Wayne, N.J.) Gratifiction: Faking it. (Craig Dykstra) E pluribus anum: Out of many, we elect you-know-whats. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Hornithologist: Someone who studies birds AND bees. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Teutonic shift: A titanic gaffe. ("Ruth Frieder, Bethesda," revealed after judging to be Gene Weingarten) Foolhardness: An overdose of Viagra. (Tom Witte) WTOP Forty radio: It only plays songs by Talking Heads. (Christopher Lamora) It was God's swill: Rationalization for jumping off the wagon. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Encephallogram: An X-ray of a man's brain — his other brain. (Theresa Kowal) Squintuplicate: The 1-point font for the fine print on car lease forms. (Brendan Beary) Aryan Zimmerman: The uberstar third baseman leaves no room for errors. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) Bathematician: Archimedes. (Jeff Contompasis) Ragumentative: "End of discussion. Period." (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Champ ate the bit: When Mike Tyson's hunger got the better of him. (John McCooey) A Day in the Wife: Little-known Lennon/Ono composition consisting entirely of moans and shrieks. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, a First Offender) Imperceptable: Describing an error that hardly anyone will notice. (Ward Kay, Vienna) And last: Lexhibitionist: Someone who sends in 120 neologism entries in a single week. (Tom Witte) Next week: Sarchiasmus, or Transprosing ====================================================================== WEEK 924, published June 19, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 924: Let's make history! By Pat Myers, Friday, June 17, 2:49 AM Ancient Romans used human umbilical cords for sandal straps. (Stephen Dudzik) During World War II, a secret U.S. Army survey identified 4,389 atheists in foxholes. (Bob Dalton) In honor of the new details about Paul Revere that have emerged of late from the Wasilla Historical Society — and the "correction" of the Wikipedia entry to conform with those details — we present a history-focused version of the "Unreal Facts" contest we did in 2007, where the examples above appeared. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets the Street Style Memory Game, a deck of cards featuring photos of the top and bottom halves of hiply dressed young people spotted on the streets of Amsterdam. The point seems to be to match up said halves, although for some reason the halves aren't in scale with each other, so you end up with little withered-looking legs attached to a nice-size torso, even though they're from the same person. Gotten rid of by Nonstop Loser Kevin Dopart. Other runners-up their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 27; results published July 17 (July 15 online). Include "Week 924" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Complete rules at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational . The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Roger Hammons. Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, where the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. Report from Week 920, in which we sought chiasmi, phrases in which the words in a common expression (or homophones of them) are inverted. And we also welcomed spoonerisms, in which the beginnings of two words are switched. Lots of entrants talked about "Idle Americans" watching singing contests on TV, not to mention innumerable takes on parasailin'. (And have we ever told you about this Loser of ours, Chris Doyle? He's kind of clever. For what it's worth, the Empress doesn't see the names of the entrants while judging the entries.) The winner of the Inker: What did the foreign VIP learn, much to his distress? Just because she made your bed doesn't mean you can bed your maid. (John Shea, Philadelphia) 2. Winner of the CD of rock songs done in the style of Gregorian chant: What's worse than suddenly seeing a deer in your headlights? Suddenly seeing your headlights in a deer. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3. What are people calling May 22, after the rapture didn't happen? The Day the Earth Still Stood. (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) 4. What did Omar Khayyam say to his picnic date when they got to second base behind the bushes? : "A loaf of bread, a jug of thine, and .?.?. wow!" (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Chiasmisses: Honorable mentions The candidate's guide to Facebook: "How to Friend People and Influence Wins." (Chris Doyle) When at last they met face to face, why did the sperm donor embrace the pregnant recipient? Because she was, in a way, family. (Beverley Sharp) The golf news has gone from "Tiger strokes many behinds" to "Tiger's many strokes behind." (Jack Hingel, Fairfax Station, Va.) It should go without saying that one can be gay without sewing. (Chris Doyle) On May 1 we heard a "bye-bye, Osama" and a sigh by Obama. (Chris Doyle) What was Ringo's drug source fond of saying? "I get help with a little buy from my friends." (Chris Doyle) Chinese cuisine makes food out of barely edible substances; American cuisine makes barely edible substances out of food. (Xin Yu, Columbus, Ohio) My son carries an umbrella but always manages to come home soaked. I ask him, "What part of 'stand under' don't you know?" (Chris Doyle) Sign outside the theater after the musical sells out: "No 'Wicked' for the rest." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Putting family first means you won't have a First Family. — Mitch Daniels (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) When raised in the lap of luxury, one can develop a luxury of lap. (John Shea) Where can I engage a really tough bodyguard in Manhattan? At the Rockefeller Center Sock-a-Feller Renter. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Advice for a man: A peck on her cheek might provide a check on her pique. (Chris Doyle) A real workman never blames his tools, while a real tool always blames his workmen. (Gary Crockett) It's so hot in Cornwall that they're wilting at tin mills. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Dealing with medical claims is the job of patients, and requires the patience of Job. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) The U.S. Treasury plans to offer bulk bags of shredded dollar bills as mulch. Do they think trees grow on money? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The truth might set you free, but first the truth shall see you fret. – B. Clinton (Chris Doyle) What did the poetry buff report seeing next to Wordsworth's grave last April? "A ghost a-holdin' daffodils." (Barbara Turner) How is the Apocalypse like proctology? One is the end of the world .?.?. (sent pseudonymously and revealed after judging to be The Post's Gene Weingarten) Try to argue with your spouse and her ears have walls. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Remember Freddy the 14-year-old soccer phenom? These days we hear nothing much about Adu. (Chris Doyle) "Blood? I guzzle it!" said Dracula: "There's simply no tasting for a count." (Chris Doyle) A few years later in her successful escort business, Miss Liddell billed her services as "A Wonderland in Alice." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A hon in the bare is worth two buns in the hair. — Han Solo (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Next week: Give us Willies, or Sick as doggerel ====================================================================== WEEK 925, published June 26, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 925 Redefine, print By Pat Myers, Friday, June 24, 4:52 AM Negligent: Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Pimple: A panderer's apprentice. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) One of the most widely circulated sets of Invitational results — often incorrectly credited — are from a 1998 contest for new meanings for actual words, including the two examples above. Three years ago we ran the contest again, but only for words beginning with A through H. This week: Redefine a word in the dictionary beginning with I through O. The definition should differ greatly from the original. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a pair of boots: (a) a heavy glass high-heel shoe filled with mango margarita mix (no alcohol included), donated by longtime Loser Sarah W. Gaymon, and (b) a flimsy plastic cowboy-boot-shaped mug commemorating the Washington Post-Newsweek Interactive "second annual poker party," from back when The Post Co. was in more of a partying mood. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, July 5; results published July 24 (July 22 online). Include "Week 925" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines here. The revised title for next week's results is by Barrie Collins; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. The biggest Loser ever! Last week marked the induction of Ultimate Loser Russell Beland into the Style Invitational Triple Hall of Fame — where he's likely to be the sole member for some two years — for scoring his 1,500th blot of ink. The disturbingly high-ranking Pentagon official has been Inviting since 1994 and has been a winner or runner-up 161 times, but he still manages to gripe regularly to the Empress about her judging. See a sampling of Russell's favorite entries here. Report from Week 921, We asked for Little Willie poems, a genre of horribly tasteless four-line verses — regularly printed in newspapers of yore — in which Willie does a nasty thing for which he isn't usually punished, and is often even praised by an even more immoral relative: The winner of the Inker: Cousin Philip, uninvited, Eyed the dinner, quite excited. Willie threw him on the grill: "With extra guests we eat our Phil." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2. Winner of the mug with the cat litter logo: Little Willie went to town, and just to be a pain, He pushed his father underneath a speeding Metro train. "He's half the man he used to be," said Mom, "and not so handsome; But, hey — when we forget our key, he slides right through the transom!" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3. Willie put the car in gear But didn't check both front and rear. The dog ran where he should have not. So now they call ol' Fluffy "Spot." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) 4. Little Willie used kung fu To slice poor sister Sue in two. Splitting her from stem to sternum Didn't in the least concern him. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Quatrainees: honorable mentions Willie with a sharpened rod Skewered up his neighbor Maude. As he turned her o'er a pit, Pa said, "Stop — she ain't worth spit." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Little Willie smoked cigars, He wooed the girls and went to bars. His mom was quick to give him notice: "Someday, my son, you'll be the POTUS." (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Little Willie, underage, hacked his mother's Facebook page. He added pics of her undressed— She got ten thousand friend requests. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Willie's new rebellious tactics: Sabotage the prophylactics. "Together, we shall bug my mother — Me and future baby brother!" (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) Willie, always such a dream, Put glue in Mommy's hemorrhoid cream. Dad thanked Willie: "Now at last The septic tank won't fill so fast." (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) Little Willie, what a cad, He stole at every chance he had. D.C. voters yawned, "So what?" And chose him for a council slot. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Little Willy, just last Easter, Knifed a slice from Daddy's keister. Mama said, without much pique, "My, that took a bit of cheek!" (sent pseudonymously and later revealed to be The Post's Gene Weingarten) Little Willie had big fits, He slashed Ma's raincoat into bits. But Ma said, "I won't give you flak — All you did was knife the mac." (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) Little Willie need not fear A lifetime in the wrong career. Weak in English, poor at math, Willie's on the psycho path. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Little Willie vended fish. When spurned by Jane, a tasty dish, He took revenge for being jilted — Sadly, Jane is now gefilted. (Stephen Gold) Little Willie, feeling mean, Took a course in haute cuisine. Deftly he deboned his sister; Now she's dynamite at "Twister." (Beverley Sharp) Little Willie with his razor Tore and slashed his pa's new blazer. Ma said, "Stop this very minute — And wait until your pa is in it." (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.) "Your siblings back up your ambition To be the nation's best mortician; But Willie dear, I fear the fact is You've used up all of them for practice." (Hugh Thirlway) With Willie's new dissection kit He started on the cat a bit. "Oh, no you don't," said mama Mabel, We eat dinner at that table!" (Craig Dykstra) Little Willie bought a book That taught him novel ways to cook. Then he slew his favorite cousins And baked up cuzcakes by the dozens. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Little Will beheaded Rita, Stuck her skull upon the meter. Now we're facing parking woes By always paying through the nose. (Kevin Dopart) Willie and his friend Ed Gein Play "Seek a Hide," a game real keen. It doesn't matter, lose or win, They're happy in the skin they're in. (Kevin Dopart) Little Willie, as he mows, Punctures Papa's garden hose. Ma cries, "What a pro he'll be, Engineering for BP!" (Nan Reiner) Little Willie, helpful son, Aimed right at baby with his gun, For Mom had mentioned that the tot Was due to get his yearly shot. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton, Md.) Willie borrowed Daddy's saw And sliced the next-door twins in four. The doctor said, "Pray, do I stitch Which half of whom back onto which?" (John Bilsborough, Glyn Abbey, Llanelli, Carmarthenshire, Wales, U.K., a First Offender) Willie munched a breakfast bun, Then killed a panda with a gun. Ma said, "Willie never grieves. Willie just eats, shoots and leaves." (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) Exploding fake volcanoes are Now in young Willie's repertoire. With baking soda and bottled Fanta, He lit the hearth, and "Bye-bye, Santa!" (Christopher Lamora) Willie Lumpkin, little brat, Stole his sister's brand-new hat. He touched it up with Mother's grater. Now she has a fascinator. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Little Willie, what a nut, In math class showed off half his butt. His teacher thought it rather cruel — Willie's left behind in school. (Mike Turniasnky, Pikesville, Md.) The FBI, with great contrivance, Closed the book on Dr. Ivins. Should have searched for those bacilli In the home of little Willie. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) And Last: Willie madly punned and joked; "Willie, no!" his mother choked. "Be a lecher or a boozer If you must — but NOT a Loser!" (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) And Really Last: Our Little Willie verses tell The stories of the boy from hell — A child so loathsome, gross and vile We celebrate him here in Style. (Chris Doyle) Next week: A banner week, or National anathemas ====================================================================== WEEK 926, published July 3, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 926 Outrageous fortunes By Pat Myers, Thursday, June 30, 2:49 PM We did this contest a million years ago (well, 824 weeks ago), but we were prompted to do it again at the suggestion of Loser Andrew Hoenig, who showed us some of the "Worst Fortune Cookies You Can Get" posted on Smosh.com by Francesco Marciuliano — the guy who's turned the "Sally Forth" comic strip family into borderline nutcases. Can we top Francesco's best effort (pictured in our cartoon this week)? To release the toxic gas, just break open this cookie. This week: Come up with a fortune cookie line that you'd like to see. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a little bottle of Loo-pourri, a "preemptive bathroom scent" spray aimed to keep people from knowing what you're capable of producing behind the bathroom door. At least they didn't name it Poo-pourri. Donated by Beverley Sharp. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers @ washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 11; results published July 31 (July 29 online). Include "Week 926" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Jeff Contompasis and Kevin Dopart. Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, where the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers @ washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the increasingly lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. Report from Week 922, in which we asked you to write a song — on any subject — set to the tune of "The Star-Spangled Banner": The writers of the Inker-winner and the third-place entry sent their own video clips, each of them sung impressively by the entrant's voice-major daughter; the videos for Nos. 2 and 4 were put together and sung by the Empress's personal daughter, the Dauphine. (The songs were judged on the quality of the lyrics, not on the videos.) The winner of the Inker (See the video at the top of this page): Send your tired, your poor, Huddled masses also, And your refuse that's wretched From shores that are teeming. If to breathe free they yearn, Here's the place they should go, Send them here, to the land Of which they have been dreaming. And we'll send them away, We'll deport them today(Unless they're from Cuba, In which case okay). We've all gone xenophobic, All foreigners we now eschew. We're afraid they'll take our jobs -- Jobs we don't want to do. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 2. Winner of the fake brake pedal for a back-seat driver: (Video with slide show) Arkansas, Tennessee, Texas and Alabam' Let you buy some cool things that up here are illegal. Some of them go kaboom and some others go blam, As American as Uncle Sam or the eagle. Bottle rockets so gay, cherry bombs they purvey That can cremate your thumbs or ignite your toupee; They'll fly up your pants leg or put out your eye To proclaim our liberty on the Fourth of July. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton, Md.) 3. (Video with slide show) Oh, Dan, can't you see why the fans are irate? Our once-dominant team is now just barely breathing. We're the joke of the league, being last is our fate, And the choices you've made have us silently seething. And the parking lot sucks! And a beer costs 10 bucks! Each team that comes here thinks we're all sitting ducks. So hey, is our Redskins team past the point of ever savin'? Should I finally drive up north to the home of the Raven? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) 4. Anthem of the USA .?.?. Network (Video with slide show) Oh say, can you see: All our programs will work With a formula used that is never defective. Take an average guy, then you give him a quirk; If he needs a good job, he should be a detective. This one's got OCD, this guy fakes ESP; A felon-turned-cop — all are found on TV. Oh say, won't you honor this Independence Day; Sit back upon the couch and turn on USA! (Matt Monitto, Myrtle Beach, S.C.) An' them: Honorable mentions Hey, I think I could see, when I squinched my eyes tight, The Siberian shore with its snow-covered ice floes. I could watch like a hawk, every morning and night For the Soviet threat (they were not very nice foes). Since there's no more red scare, I don't have to watch there: I'll head farther south to the sun and warm air. So say, if you watch from my Scottsdale balcony, What Juanita, Marisol or Jose can you see? (David Schildkret, Chandler, Ariz., a First Offender) Howard Camping's Sorry Summer Oh, how can it be that the world is still here? I was so sure that we wouldn't live to see Sunday. Now the world's all abuzz that I'm quite a poor seer, And the day after naught was a rather un-fun day. So the sandwich-board guys are all rolling their eyes That I was mistaken predicting our demise. I pray please forgive me, I made a bad call. But I know this time I'm right — we'll be raptured this fall. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Oh, hey, can you see by the congressman's tweet How he proudly displays his insanely buff body? Sculpted pecs and tight abs seem a tad indiscreet, But his package? Oy, vey! That goes way beyond naughty. It's a sexting affair in the media's glare. This goof's a big joke on the news everywhere. Oh say, has that Anthony Weiner no shame? Here's a man who found a way to live up to his name. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) The Star-Spangled Flag Lapel Pin Politicians agree — when they're on the TV Their flag lapel pins get a rousing reception. With a flag near their heart, no one cares if they're smart. They're pandering to patriotic perception. It's about what pols wear. What they say, we won't care. When speaking of facts, politicians might err. Oh, see the GOP and the Dems both love cloisonne. Their made-in-China pins mean "I HEART USA." (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) (Video) Oh, say, can it be that a lockout or strike Will deprive football fans of the upcoming season? Billionaires who own teams do whatever they like, But to kill Super Bowl surely constitutes treason! Watching athletic feats though we can't afford seats, Vicariously, we're among the elites. To validate our manhood we need a team that underscores That our billionaire can hire .?.?. better players than yours. (Gary Crockett) The SEALs' Anthem: At 10 after 3, in the dead of the night, He was mighty surprised when we blew out the ceiling. He'd been watching "El Cid" and got really uptight; We were "infidel dogs!" (He expressed this with feeling!) He was right to be mad. Though the dad of jihad, He'd not felt this bad since skedaddling Riyadh. No way did we give him a fond parting wave, Just a head full of lead, and a watery grave. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Oh, say, can you see you must shop loyally, For so proudly to spend is your citizen's duty. Buy a new SUV or an Xbox or Wii, Buy a mattress, an app, or some products for beauty. See the SALE banners wave o'er the bargains you crave; With the prices so low, think how much you will save! Oh, jobs you'll create when you go out and buy In the nearest shopping mall on the Fourth of July! (Valerie Matthews) "Oh say, can you see my ideas are great! My opponent is dumb, spouting verbal pollution." "Au contraire, stupid twit — you call this a debate? You're just blabbering tripe, you've got no elocution." "Nowhere else will you find any fool of your kind — "You're dumber than Bush, Quayle and Palin combined!" Through all this name-calling the tables have turned — Yes, they literally have! — so this meeting's adjourned! (Matt Monitto) Oh my God, did you see, on the beach in midday, That guy jogging along wearing only a Speedo? Whose broad gut and tight stripes filled the crowd with dismay? O'er his manparts we watched as he tanked our libido. And the young mother's glare at his flossed derriere Gave way to plain shock at his thatch of back hair. Please give that guy a towel before that "budgie smuggler" splits — He is not a Michael Phelps or a younger Mark Spitz! (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) The Star-Spangled Boehner Up on Capitol Hill, in a room filled with smoke, The left and the right are engaged in fast dealing. And what once was dismissed as a terrible joke Now sadly is true — we have reached our debt ceiling "Obama's a sap" might not be a fair rap, But they don't seem to care if our bonds are worth crap. O! say has the Fed now been brought to its knees, And can we still get loans, from our friends the Chinese? (William Lasser, Taylors, S.C., a First Offender) Rebecca Black's version: The alarm clock goes off, it is 7 a.m. I'll get fresh, grab my bowl, eat some food, go outside now. See my friends at the bus stop, I'm waving to them, They pull up in a car, I'm accepting their ride now. But I must pick a seat; it's a difficult feat. The front or the back? Now some words I'll repeat. It's Friday, it's Friday, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun; For the weekend I await once this Thursday is done. (Matt Monitto) Lyrics for Olympic gold medalists to sing on the podium: Hurray, U.S.A.! I have just won the gold! I'm getting the medal most shiny and gleaming. I just can't hide my pride, this will never grow old. My parents, my coaches and agents are beaming. Now I hope there won't be any dope in my pee, And I won't be withdrawn if I'm on TMZ. Oh, hey, I say winning this gold medal really rocks 'Cause soon I'll be the face of the new Wheaties box. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman) (Video) Can you see any way that we ever can pay For the national debt with the deficits mounting? "Not a problem." I say, "Take a tip from Ken Lay." Fiscal woes can be cured by creative accounting. All our checks we'll postdate, let the dollar inflate, And if push comes to shove, claim that China's a state. Keep living on our credit, don't fret over how it looks, Because when you're Uncle Sam, no one audits your books. (Gary Crockett) O! say, can you see past your girth to your shoes? Is your dining commandment "Thou shalt super-size it?" O! 'Tis nary a sprout or a carrot we choose, If it's sugared or fried, an American buys it. And scarf it we must, till our buttons we bust, In our gastro-psychosis, disgust mixed with lust. Then we drive two blocks home in our extra-wide SUVs. We may die at 45, but we'll eat as we please! (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) Oh, say can you see that Confederate sight Which so proudly we hail as our birthright's past gleaming? Thirteen stars and three stripes cast in red and in white O'er the statehouse we watch for the Stars and Bars streaming. In this Southern affair, Georgians did not despair, Held firm in the fight that our flag should fly there. Today in Atlanta a Rebel banner still waves O'er the land of the peach and the home of the Braves. (Chris Doyle) On the proposed law in San Francisco to prohibit all circumcisions: Oy vay, woe is me! Could I really be stopped? No more cutting the skin from my baby boy's wiener? I am sure God proclaimed that my kid must be cropped, And my son will be able to keep it much cleaner. Is it really so bad just to cut off a tad, A small snip of skin from an 8-day-old lad? Oh, pray we can still give the mohel his knife — May he bless my baby boy on his eighth day of life. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) Good God, what's that noise? Is that "William Tell" That so loudly we hear, interrupting our dreaming, That some idiot chose as the ring on his cell, With the volume turned up, till we all feel like screaming? And the midi's shrill blare permeates through the air, Announcing to all that he just doesn't care. Oh! Say does that jerk's jangling ring tone yet play? Turn off your bloody phone, and then please go away! (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario) o say can U C our gr8 flag in the sun its from some kinda war, with the British im thinkin they were charging us taxes and taking R gun Paul Revier rang the church bells to warn old Abe Lincoln when he heard the bells peal, Lincoln sent in a SEAL who freed all the slaves! Way 2 go USA! i know theres a lot more of our flag history, i 4got it OMG – can U txt it 2 me? (Carol Uri, Alexandria, a First Offender) Next week: Chemical wordfare, or Laughing matter ====================================================================== WEEK 927, published July 10, 2011 Style Invitational Week 927: Drive-by shoutings — Burma-Shave signs; plus winning faux-chemical names By Pat Myers,July 08, 2011 The Empress was besought recently to give another go to a contest we last did 12 years ago: It's for mini-poems written in the style of the old Burma-Shave ads, which used to appear on pre-interstate roadsides as a series of six little signs, a few words at a time, either promoting the shaving cream or serving as a PSA to drivers, as in "Big mistake­ / Many make: / Rely on horn / Instead of / brake. / Burma-Shave." Last time we asked for welcome signs to states or towns; this week we'll stay closer to the original purpose: Write a very short four-line "poem" promoting a product or company, or offering advice to drivers; the poem must rhyme, in ABAB or ABCB rhyme scheme. A fifth, non-rhyming line may state the product name or a conclusion. Don't make the lines more than three or four words each unless they're very short. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a cloth ball cap from Cluster Springs Sanitary Services Portable Toilet Rentals of Middle of Nowhere, Va. (a.k.a. Danville); the embroidered slogan on the back says, "You dump --it, we pump --it." Donated by Loser Dave Komornik of Danville, who brought it up on a visit to Washington. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 18; results published Aug. 7(Aug. 5 online). Include "Week 927" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational . The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by chemical engineer Jeff Contompasis. Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational , where the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers @ washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. *Report from Week 923*, in which we asked for new chemical terms: By far the most frequent submission was for "palinium"; we include two. Alas, the terms "honoring" presidential candidates are all for Republicans; there just weren't any good Obama-themed entries. *The winner of the Inker:* *Binladium:* When combined with lead and immersed in water, it almost instantly disappears. /(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)/ 2. Winner of the football made entirely of Bubble Wrap:* *Platitudinum: A metal that becomes more dull each time it is used, yet somehow is never discarded. /(Beth Baniszewski, Cambridge, Mass.)/ 3. Marionbarium:* Highly reactive with alcohol and other substances. Difficult to purge from the system long after peak effectiveness. /(Marcy Alvo, Annandale, Va.)/ 4. Madoffium:* Catalyst capable of turning liquid substance, overnight, into absolutely nothin'. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ *Byproducts & residue: Honorable mentions* *Palinium:* Its magnetic properties decrease by half every year, but never entirely dissipate. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/ *Palinium: A rigid, polarizing substance that appears to glow brightly when examined from the right side but appears to be a black hole when viewed from the left. (/Bill Nilsen, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)/ *Greecium:* A substance unable to stabilize because of its weak bonds./(Lawrence McGuire)/ *Tachygiftcardium: What symbiotic organisms give off in late December. /(Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) / *Nordegrenium: * Reacts violently with iron. /(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)/ *Led:* A heavy metal. /(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)/ *Pepconium: Theoretically capable of great bursts of energy, it becomes inert when in contact with water. /(Elden Carnahan)/ *Sulaimonoxide brownate: * Activated by silver. Decomposes in hot water. /(Marcy Alvo)/ *Newtium:* Heavy element found often in Iowa and New Hampshire. Bonds frequently but not permanently. Attracted to precious metals and gems. Emits an inaudible buzz. /(Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)/ *Abbottabadite:* One explosive compound./(Mark Eckenwiler)/ *Bieberium: An element of little substance or weight; apparently harmless by itself, but added to any volume of shelium produces an earsplitting squeal. (/Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) / *Weinerium:* Volatile element that expands, flashes and then self-destructs./(Nancy M. Lawrence, Annandale, Va.)/ *Ryanide poisoning:* A toxic reaction exacerbated by inadequate medical care. /(Kathy El-Assal, Middletown, Wis., a First Offender)/ *Bachmannium:* Similar to palinium in its dullness and abrasive properties but is lighter in weight despite being more dense. /(Scott I. Berkenblit, Baltimore, a First Offender)/ *Sellulose:* Superabsorbent substance that sucks value from whatever it touches; commonly used as home insulating material in the past decade. (/Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md., a First Offender)/ *Arsenice:* Especially in those genes. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ *Debtceilium:* Toxic gas that expands to infinity unless contained. /(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)/ *Cantonite: Causes headaches in married women. /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)/ * **Jockabromide:* Common substance found in locker rooms that never fails to yield 110 percent one day at a time. /(Ira Allen) / *Silicone bimboxide:* Compound that causes swollen protuberances on the upper torso. /(Dixon Wragg)/ *Tatanium:* New marketing name for silicone. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ *Alumnium:* The metal used to make class rings. /(Matt Monitto, Myrtle Beach, S.C.)/ *Romneyum:* Key ingredient of modern plastic; noted for reversing polarity at will. /(Stephen J. Kelley, Sykesville, Md., a First Offender) / *Stromtium 90:* Reproductive agent that remains potent throughout an exceedingly long half life./(Ira Allen)/ *Next week: History in the remaking,* or Jesterday* ====================================================================== WEEK 928, published July 17, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 928 Questionable cinema By Pat Myers, Friday, July 15, 2:00 PM Answer: Airplane! Question: What is the last thing you want to hear when making love on what you thought was a deserted runway? (Jennifer Hart) A. Duck Soup. Q. What is good advice for a food fight? (David Genser) The Empress found this contest from 11 years ago while perusing a new online master list of all 928 Style Invitational contests, dating back to 1993, that was prepared entirely as a labor of love (or madness) by Proto-Loser Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who also has maintained elaborate statistics on ink accumulated by all 4,000-plus people who've had their name mentioned in the Invite. This week: Use the title of a movie as the answer to a riddle or other question, as in the examples above from Week XXX (we used Roman numerals for a while). You can see the rest of those winners here. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a pretty notepad and daybook made of genuine Chinese panda poo paper (lots of bamboo fiber in that). It'd be far too nice for an Invite prize were it not for the raw materials. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers @ washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 25; results published Aug. 14 (Aug. 12 online). Include "Week 928" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Dixon Wragg; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, where the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers @ washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. Report from Week 924, in which we asked for bogus historical trivia, another in our series of "fictoid" contests. We expect these entries to appear shortly on Internet lists of "answers from actual high school history tests." Or maybe in history books. The winner of the Inker: Susan B. Anthony's middle name was Barbie. ( Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) 2 Winner of the dorky card game featuring photos of halves of people: William Howard Taft hated Theodore Roosevelt so much that, just to spite him, he spoke loudly and carried a twig. (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.) 3 Ponce de Leon did actually find what he was searching for in his explorations; he is currently living quietly in Hialeah, Fla., under the name Ramon Rodriguez. (Edward Gordon, Austin) 4 George Washington also had a wooden pancreas. (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) Near myths: Honorable mentions You know how the stone changes color partway up the Washington Monument? That's the water mark from the Great Flood of 1911. (Kathye Hamilton; Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) The footage of the first moon landing was filmed in a Hollywood studio, but only because astronaut Buzz Aldrin forgot to remove the lens cap during the real event. (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.) The replica of the Statue of Liberty that was installed in Paris in 1889 had visible underarm hair. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) John Hancock sold insurance to 21 of the 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence; unfortunately, they neglected to read the clause voiding payouts in the event of revolution. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) As a community organizer in the Windy City, young Barack Obama walked down eight roads before someone called him a man. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Gen. Ambrose Burnside was aided greatly in Civil War planning by his largely forgotten assistant, Col. Wendell Soulpatch. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) "Jingle Bells" was written to commemorate Paul Revere's ride. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) The Chinese emperor Hsian-T'ung abdicated after he was found to have mailed etchings of his royal junk. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) The actual Dr. Pepper was not really a doctor; he just had a master's degree. That's why, legally, they can't put a period after the "Dr" on the bottles and cans. (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) Due to a miscommunication, the Aztecs didn't realize that their war god Huitzilopochtli was actually a vegetarian. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Walter Johnson, the great pitcher for the Washington Senators, once threw the rosin bag for a strike in a game against the Yankees. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) It's not true after all that the toilet was invented by Thomas Crapper. It was invented 30 years earlier by Parker Heine. (The Post's Gene Weingarten, who'd entered under a pseudonym) George Washington's wooden teeth were made from the cherry tree he chopped down. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village; Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) In homage to the Britons who lost their lives on the Titanic, English pub owners united in a pledge to never again serve ice in their drinks. (Tom Barnidge, Concord, Calif., a First Offender) Archimedes designed the first vacuum cleaner. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) During his quest through Africa, Henry Stanley used his line "Dr. Livingstone, I presume" on three other white men before finding the correct person. (John Shea, Philadelphia) Ironically, President Garfield was allergic to cats. (Allie Kay, Vienna, Va., a First Offender In 1271, Marco Polo brought back from Asia several colorful shirts embroidered with little dragons on the chest. (Kevin Dopart) Roy Rogers's horse, first known as Omaha, was the winner of the 1935 Triple Crown. His name was changed to Trigger because the studio wanted moviegoers to associate the horse with the Wild West, not Nebraska. (Patrick Mattimore, Beijing) The incompatibility between a square peg and a round hole was first noted in 1925 during the difficult birth of Margaret Thatcher. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Next week: A remeaning task, or Smart-Alexicon ====================================================================== WEEK 929, published July 24, 2011 Style Invitational Week 929: Just sit right back and write a TV theme song By Pat Myers,July 22, 2011 We wouldn't usually spring two song parody contests on you in the space of two months, but fate intervened: We mourn the passing here of the wonderfully named Sherwood Schwartz, creator of "Gilligan's Island " and "The Brady Bunch ," among other TV classics — and, more pertinently, composer of their theme songs, whose lyrics introduced the show by explaining the setup for the story. Not Yet a Loser Fred Singerman suggested a neat idea: Write a funny song introducing a TV show, past or present. The more obscure the show is, the more you'll have to explain and still be funny. The song may be set to a Schwartz tune ("Gilligan" ; "Brady ") or you can use any other tune (even your own, if you want to sing it in a video you post online). Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a box of Lunch Bugs, a pack of 24 sealable sandwich bags with a realistic-looking photo of a roach or beetle embedded in each one. Nobody will steal your burrito from the office fridge if it's wrapped in one of these babies. Donated by Loser Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers @ washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 1; results published Aug. 21(Aug. 19 online). Include "Week 929" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational . The revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle; this week's honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Judy Blanchard. *Report from Week 925: A remeaning task,* in which we asked you to come up with a new definition for an actual word beginning with I through O. We had at least 300 good entries from among the more than 2,500 submitted; believe us, you don't want to read 300 entries, but the Empress did let the list of honorable mentions run on longer than usual online. (We'll also run a few more next week.) Some of the entries below require you to pronounce the word differently from the original. *The winner of the Inker:* *Knothole:* Someone who isn't a jerk. /(Jamie Pazur, St. Simons Island, Ga., a First Offender)/ *2.**Winner of the cowboy boot mugs and the glass boot filled with drink mixer: *Linguine*: A person who insists on correcting someone's grammar or pronunciation when others are present. /(Theresa Kowal, Silver Spring, Md.)/ *3.**Ignorant (n.):* A typical blog post./(Kevin Dopart, Washington; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ *4.**Megawatt: A state of total bewilderment or disbelief./(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ *Meaning-less: Honorable mentions* *Lassitude:* "Timmy can get himself out of the #*@!@ well. I have better things to do." /(Steve Langer, Chevy Chase; Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)/ *Incantation:* Singing on the toilet. /(Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)/ *Magnesia:* "I don't recall buying any Playboys." /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ *Increase:* Where the thong went. /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)/ *Indigo:* Harrison Ford's epitaph. /(Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.)/ *Open-pit: Describing a sleeveless dress. /(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)/ *Newsletter:* The man controlling Internet access in China. /(Hampton DeJarnette, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender)/ *Mouthwatering:* Euphemism for waterboarding. /(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)/ *Juniper:* A mohel. /(Laurie Brink)/ *Kaleidoscope:* The doohickey the body shop uses to inspect your wrecked car. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ *Kidney:* A common place to put bandaids. /(Mike Inman, Lewes, Del.)/ *Opportune:* What them ladies with the horn-helmets sing. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ *Orangutans:* People who try to look like Snooki. /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)/ *Lackadaisical:* What Donald Duck was after his divorce. /(Xin Yu, Columbus, Ohio)/ *Lapidary: A miniature pet camel. /(Todd Carton, Wheaton, Md.)/ *Kilogram:* A letter bomb. /(Chris Doyle)/ *Lambaste:* What Gordon Ramsay does when the meat's too tough. /(Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.)/ *Infatuation:* XXL-rated lust. /(Rick Haynes, Potomac, Md.)/ *Intimacy:* The new name for what used to be Hecht's lingerie department. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ *Impervious:* What convicted sex offenders are required to tell everyone. /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)/ *Implore:* Stories like "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ *Karma:* The woman destined to chauffeur half the frickin' neighborhood to soccer practice. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ *Mammaries: Embarrassing stories from your childhood that your mother never fails to recount. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ *Navigate:* Scandal on the high seas. /(Nancy Israel, Bethesda, Md.)/ *Microwave:* One guy standing and waving his arms in a stadium. /(Leigh Giza, Gainesville, Va.)/ *Jamboree:* Someone who yawns through a Grateful Dead concert. /(John Shea, Philadelphia)/ *Manifesto:* A bachelor party. /(George Smith, Frederick, Md.)/ *Locomotive:* The insanity defense. /(Theresa Kowal)/ *Maddening:* Commenting on football games. "Joe wouldn't stop maddening for the entire second quarter." /(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)/ *Indian summer: Bangalore accountant. /(Pam Sweeney)/ *Installer:* A quickie in the restroom. /(Craig Dykstra)/ *International date line:*/Su place ou meine? (Chris Doyle)/ *Logarithm:* A series of exertions on the john. /(Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand)/ *Lumberjack:* Slang for ED medicine. Also: forklift, upkeep. /(Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)/ *Macaroon:* Someone who is one-eighth Scottish /(Mike Gips)/ *Marathon:* An all-day vandalism spree. /(Jeff Contompasis)/ *Maximize:* Enlarged pupils from reading men's magazines. /(Mike Inman)/ *Mediocre:* A very specific but rather dull crayon hue. /(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)/ *Melodious:* Australian slang for raving drunk. /(Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)/ *Metaphor:* How you described your blind date who had a, um, very nice personality. /(Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)/ *Monsoon:* Jamaican farewell. /(Chris Doyle)/ *Obscene:* Doctor, nurse, anesthesiologist and some idiot with a video camera. /(Ward Kay, Vienna)/ *Indiana: Birthplace of Prince William. /(Craig Dykstra)/ *Orthodox:* Dentists. /(Matt Monitto, Myrtle Beach, S.C.)/ *Lasso:* The Marx sister. /(Judy Blanchard)/ *Midwife:*Bride bridging Marriages No. 1 and No. 3. /(David Klann, Washington)/ *Itself:* Customary phone greeting in Middle Earth. /(Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)/ /And last:/*Nutmeg:* A million Losers. /(Kathy Hardis Fraeman)/ /And even laster: /*Invitational:* A contest anyone may enter. /(Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)/ ====================================================================== WEEK 930, published July 31, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 930 We WANT stupid complaints! By Pat Myers, Published: July 29 "Dear Washington Post: How come you didn't invite ME to your humor contest?" Post readers have never been all that shy about complaining about things they see in the paper — and now, with a chance to do so anonymously in online comments, barely a word goes by that doesn't offend someone or another. Of course, many of the objections are reasonable, but of course, we have no interest in those. This week: Complain comically unreasonably about some innocuous thing appearing in the print Post or on washingtonpost.com over the next week or the previous few days. Don't write a whole essay; 40 words will be a long entry. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the fabulous book "Chinglish," a collection of photos of English-language signs found in China, with comically over-literal translations like "Slip and fall down carefully" and "Deformed man toilet." Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers @ washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 8; results published Aug. 28 (Aug. 21 online). Include "Week 930" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by both Tom Witte and Beverley Sharp; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. This week's contest was suggested in large part by Elden Carnahan. Report from Week 926, in which we asked for novel fortune cookie messages: FYI, dozens of people: "I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory" is not novel. The winner of the Inker: A fool and his money are soon parted. Your lucky numbers: 5 17 29 52 77 (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) 2. Winner of the bottle of Loo-pourri "preemptive bathroom scent" spray: I am reading this aloud in a juvenile, attention-seeking way. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) 3. If you add "in bed" to the end of this fortune, you will suffer greatly. (Drew Knoblauch, Arlington, Va.) 4. Remember when these were made in China and computers in the United States? (Larry Yungk,Arlington, Va.) Mu shu dork: Honorable mentions I really wanted to be a tweet. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Hang on to this — our bathroom is out of toilet paper. (Larry Yungk) Confucius say: "Subject-verb agreement not important." (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) These tiny typewriters are a real pain. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) If your fortune cookie is defective, please return it unopened to get a replacement. (Anne Day, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) If we had lucky lottery numbers, do you think we'd stuff them in fortune cookies? (Steve Honley, Washington; Chuck Smith) Do not remove this tag under penalty of law. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Sign up for paperless delivery! (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) You have something stuck in your teeth. A little to the right. No, lower. Forget it. (Nandini Lal, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) Tip generously — don't make us go all Tiananmen Square on you. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) By breaking this cookie you agree to the revised iTunes terms of service. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) "Sanitized for your protection" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Your reading of this fortune may be monitored to ensure quality perusal. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Your lucky number is 9-1-1. We suggest you use it now. (Larry Yungk) Melamine content acceptable (Pet Food Examiner #237) (Kevin Dopart, Washington) According to the USDA, this is now a fortune vegetable. (Benjamin Blanchard, Novi, Mich., a First Offender) All your debt are belong to us. (Kevin Dopart) Free acupuncture with inadequate tip. (Mike Peck, Alexandria, Va.) If any part of your meal tasted like leather, that was just bits of collar. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) This is the world's worst pinata. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) You don't want to know what the babysitter is doing right now. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.) Why are you wasting time reading this cookie? Get back to your violin! — Tiger Mom (Christy Tossatto, Olney, Md.) And some more "remeanings" from Week 925: Kernel: Chief officer of the Iowa State Patrol. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Knee-slapper: A reluctant mob enforcer. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Larghetto: The back corner of the trendy restaurant where the maitre d' seats the fat people. (John Shea, Philadelphia) Metastatic: Really excited about being excited. (Jamie Pazur, St. Simons Island, Ga.) Lobotomies: Hip-hugger jeans. (Judy Blanchard, Novi. Mich.) Locomotion: Finger-drawing circles near the head to opine on someone's sanity. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Noshes: Queasy after scarfing down the giant bag of Doritos. (Chris Doyle) Judicious: Two sets of dinnerware. (Craig Dykstra) Next week: Drive-by shoutings, or Highway ribbery ====================================================================== WEEK 931, published August 7, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 931 Limerixicon 8 By Pat Myers, Published: August 4 | Updated: Friday, August 5, 9:00 AM An ecdysiast likes to be nude, Which to some people seems a bit crude. But some others applaud This most talented broad.(By "some others" we mean genus Dude.) If it's August — and this year it's abundantly obvious in Washington — then it's time for the Invite to catch up with the monumental task of Chris J. Strolin and his minions to produce the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick form, five lines at a time. They're now just about to reach the 70,000-limerick mark since starting with A in 2004, and are now all the way to .?.?. This week: Supply a humorous limerick significantly featuring any English word, name or term beginning with the letters ea- through el-, as in the example above ("ecdysiast" is a fancy word for stripper) by Washington Post Limerician on Retainer Gene Weingarten. See washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter, and see oedilf.com for submitting limericks there after this contest is over. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize receives Paparazzi Shades, a pair of sunglasses that looks in a photo as if someone's stuck a strip of identity-hiding tape across your eyes. The Empress wears them in her Facebook status photo. Donated by totally visible Loser Jeff Contompasis. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 15; results published Sept. 4 (Sept. 2 online). Include "Week 931" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results and this week's honorable-mentions subhead are both by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 927, Drive-by shoutings, in which we sought the short poems of the sort that used to be posted as a series of roadside signs to advertise Burma-Shave shaving cream. Like those relics, they sometimes hawk a product and other times serve as a driver-safety PSA. The winner of the Inker: Why exercise To get a date? WE'LL do the push-ups; YOU'LL look great! Wonderbra. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2. Winner of the Cluster Springs Sanitary Services Portable Toilet Rentals official ball cap: Tip for new drivers In the Sunshine State: Blinker on means Going straight. AARP. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) 3. On a bridge With breezes wafting, Drive carefully Or you'll be rafting. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) 4. Sure, do your makeup! That should please The first responding EMTs. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Kerouwhacked: Honorable mentions The same-sex marriage Path is cleared, So now's the time To lose your beard. Burma-Shave. (Brendan Beary) Lather up So you can stop Approximating ZZ Top. Burma-Shave. (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) Life is tough And that's for sure — Luckily We have the cure! Philip Morris. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) He watched the female Jogger's keister; With eyes off road, He predeceased her. (Brendan Beary) dont txt an driv or u wl b not LOL but OMG. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) No longer alive, Since, sadly, he blundered: He thought 95 Was the Indy Five Hunderd. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Sex at the wheel Is horribly risky, So hire a driver Before you get frisky. Acme Limo Service. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Now I lay me Down to sleep. I pray the Lord Knows how to beep. No-Doz. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) If, Mrs. Sprat, You choose to fly, Please greet your mate Like this: "Jack! Hi!" TSA. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) You drink champagne And dine on partridge? If so, you can Afford our cartridge. HP Printers. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) An ample breast, A supple thigh. Come on in And watch us fry! KFC. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Congressman Weiner Has resigned, But we still have The other kind. Massengill. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) We know you now Depend on us — So please don't leave For Google+. Facebook. (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) The call of FarmVille Never ends From all your so-called Facebook friends. Google+. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) And last: Lady Bird, Don't spin distressed, We're only doing This in jest. --The Style Invitational. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) — Next week: Play feature, or Back Talkies ====================================================================== WEEK 932, published August 14, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 932 Your-mama jokes By Pat Myers, Updated: Friday, August 12, 9:00 AM Your mama's butt's so big, she's a foot taller when she sits down. This week we visit — for the first time in its own Invitational contest — one of the most venerable forms of humor, the beloved your-mama joke. (The Wikipedia entry comprehensively termed "maternal insult" cites examples dating back to Shakespeare: "Chiron: 'Thou hast undone our mother.' Aaron: 'Villain, I have done thy mother.' ") Invite Loser Dion Black of Washington posted the joke above recently on Facebook in the genre's classic street grammar (prompting Loser Anne Paris to suggest this contest); we'll be using standard English as above. This week: Tell an original "your mama" insult joke. Utter uniqueness might be impossible, but let's do our best to come up with something new. As we will from here on in, we're limiting you to "only" 25 entries per person. (No, the rule does not concern sane people; however, a few people out there often send dozens of entries a week — one Loser once sent 750, prompting a memorable Empress Tanty.) Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize receives a pink lollipop with a real scorpion embedded in it — we'll call it the I'm Gonna Get You Sucker. Plus a pack of Instant Dinosaurs — little pellets that, after soaking in water, spring up into spongy dino-objects. These were bought in a science museum (!) by Melissa Yorks. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 22; results published, whuh-oh, Sept. 11 (Sept. 9 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 932" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Roy Ashley; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Hazle. Report from Week 928: Play feature, in which we asked you to cite a movie title and supply a question it could answer. We were not at all surprised the number of fart jokes for "Gone With the Wind," none of which gets ink. The winner of the Inker: Answer: I'm Still Here. Question: What is considered a lame answer to the question "Do you still love me?" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 2. Winner of the note paper made of panda poo: A. Toy Story. Q. Whom did Sarah Palin name as her favorite Russian author? (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) 3. A. Bye Bye Birdie. Q. What entry follows "Bye Bye Elin" in Tiger Woods's diary? (Bruce Harris, Scotch Plains, N.J.) 4. A. Groundhog Day. Q. What was the sequel to "Groundhog Day"? (John O'Byrne, Dublin; Evan Hadley, Potomac, Md.) Dumb and dumber: Honorable mentions Dead Poets Society: What group has about the same annual income as the Live Poets Society? (Randy Lee, doing volunteer work in Kibwezi, Kenya) Say Anything: As a TV pundit, if you can't say anything nice, what do you do? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Winnie the Pooh: What did Mrs. Churchill shout to her husband as he stepped off the curb? (Philip Justus, Potomac, Md., a First Offender) Cape Fear: What does the prospect of another Superman movie trigger? (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Return of the Jedi: What occurs the day after you receive a Yoda bobblehead for Christmas? (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg, Md.) Salt: What can Donovan McNabb successfully pass? (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) A Clockwork Orange: What was that Robert Frost poem about the passage of time, the one he never finished? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Stand by Me: What does Tom Cruise always say to Danny DeVito at photo ops? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) The Italian Job: Given the way the media and police make his life so difficult, how does Silvio Berlusconi portray himself? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) A Man Apart: What did Lorena Bobbitt take in 1993? (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Anger Management: What are you trying to do by pasting up those Dilbert comics all over your cubicle? (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) The English Patient: Tell us, Tarzan, what makes you think Jane will wait for you? (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) Arms and the Man: What are the Secret Service nicknames for Michelle and Barack Obama? (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.) Black Swan: Which swan always gets killed first in swan slasher movies? (Tom Witte) Woodstock: What do even vegans admit is a terrible base for a soup? (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.) Twelve Monkeys: Who were the jurors at the Scopes trial? (Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.) The Godfather Part 2: What was discovered some time later in a New Jersey swamp? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Fly Away Home: What was the original title for the movie "Up"? (David Litman, Arlington, Va.) Cool Hand Luke: What did Princess Leia tell her brother after his limb replacement surgery? (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) Exodus: What do you get when Mel Gibson walks into a synagogue? (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) On the Waterfront: Where do all eyes focus during a wet-T-shirt contest? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Stand and Deliver: What's the motto of the Acme Alternative Birthing Clinic? (Steve Dantzler, Gaithersburg, a First Offender; Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.; Steve Shapiro, Alexandria, Va.) Salt: Granted, the best thing about that Angelina Jolie movie was the popcorn. But what was the second-best thing? (Brendan Beary) The Pelican Brief: What is Hanes's latest line of underwear that's extra-roomy in front? (Larry Gray) The King's Speech: What is usually summarized as "Thank you. Thank you very much"? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Captain America: What are congressional leaders woefully unable to do? (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) The Kids Are All Right: What was the foster agency's review of the Bachmann household? (Kevin Dopart) One Hundred Men and a Girl: What did Jenna Jameson do last night? (Dion Black, Washington) The Bonfire of the Vanities: What ritual marks the climax of the Guild of Bathroom Remodelers' annual jamboree? (Ken Fishbein, Laurel, Md., who last got Invite ink in 1998) The 400 Blows: So what do you think of high society? (Richard Liebmann-Smith, New York, a First Offender) The Color Purple: What will Prince Charles wear to his mother's funeral? (Kelly Bielewicz, Newark, Del.) The Cotton Club: What's not likely to give you much of a concussion? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Watership Down: What do you have to do to a vessel after a flock of seagulls has flown over it? (Edward Gordon, Austin) Milk: What slang term means "mother I'd like to kiss"? (Chris Doyle, vacationing in Minsk, Belarus) And last: The Birdcage: Honey, have you seen this week's Style Invitational? (Edmund Conti) Next week: Now sit right back, or Avast! Wasteland! ====================================================================== WEEK 933, published August 21, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 933 Stories that count (to 56) By Pat Myers, Published: August 18 | Updated: Friday, August 19, 8:00 AM Call me Ishmael, inasmuch as I represent man's eternal state of alienation. My boss, Ahab — bang! crash! aughh! — is battling to the death an implacable foe, inasmuch as he represents man's powerlessness against nature and fear of confronting his inner demons — namely, that he's secretly a vampire, inasmuch as we have to sell books. Suck. Die. This week we "honor" the annual 55 Fiction contest sponsored by New Times magazine — for stories of 55 words or fewer — with our own version, cleverly distinguished by a vastly different number of words and a couple of other requirements. This week: Write a humorous story in exactly 56 words, as in the example above by Style Invitational Literary Flunky Gene Weingarten; two words joined by a hyphen count as two words. You can add a title; it won't count toward the 56 words. It doesn't have to be fiction, but it has to tell some sort of story (though as you can see from the example, this might be loosely interpreted; actually, don't turn this into a contest to sum up a well-known work of literature in 56 words). This contest was suggested by Ted Weitzman, a veteran Loser who used to be credited as Paul Styrene, back before we had the no-pseudonyms rule. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize receives this excellent and obviously appropriate little metal sign, discourtesy of Loser Nan Reiner. It's about the size of a light switchplate. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 29; results published Sept. 18 (Sept. 16 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 933" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Gary Crockett. Report from Week 929: Just sit right back in which we asked you to write a song that told about a TV show, much as the "Gilligan's Island" and "The Brady Bunch" themes do. Click on the title of the original song being parodied to listen to the tune. The winner of the Inker "Kate Plus 8" (sung to the "Brady Bunch" theme) Here's the story of a girl named Katie, Who was poor and living in a trailer park. All she wanted in her life was to be wealthy; On this she would embark. It's the story of a man so shady He would happily exploit his kids and wife. These two kindred spirits met and formed a couple, And so began their life. They went out and got a multiple conception, And resolved to get some bucks for their big bang, So they whelped and then they hawked their cute sextuplets: That's the way they all became the Gosselin Gang. (The Gosselin Gang, the Gosselin Gang?.?.?.?) But this fouled-up family couldn't last forever: Jon was restless, and his wife was quite the shrew. When she caught him in the sack with other women, The Gosselin Gang was through. But the lady wasn't gonna give up easy. On the gravy train she'd labored to create. She convinced the TV folks to keep it going: That's the way they turned it into "Kate Plus Eight." (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 2. Winner of the Lunch Bugs sandwich bags with theft-deterring bugs on them: A PBS Evening (to "Wonderful World" ("Don't know much about history?.?.?.?") The invasion of Normandy; Specials on seismology; Shows to help you make a greener house; A performance of "Die Fledermaus." No one else has the shows we do, Yeah, but first we want to hear from you, So we need you to pick up the phone. It's not easy here at PBS; Ledger sheets are an awful mess. Big-name sponsors are cutting back; It's been tough to stay in the black. So the way we keep the lights turned on Is a nonstop cajole-athon, And we need you to pick up the phone. Well, pledge campaigns instead of commercials Seemed an even trade, But lately we're holding them 24-7, Just to see the bills are paid.?.?. You can see we're not getting rich; Viewers hate our bait-and-switch. You just want the shows we said we'd air – Moving coffee mugs will get us there. If you deadbeats don't send the dough, Cookie Monster has to be let go, So we need you to pick up the phone. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 3. "CSI" (to "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood") It's a beautiful day for an autopsy! Let's cut this guy open so we can see His intestines .?.?. and his liver. Then let's open his stomach, what do you say? To see what he had with that chardonnay. Would you hand me .?.?. that skull chisel? I have always wanted to take a closer look inside, To roll my sleeves up, dig right in, and find out how they died. So I'll pick up a scalpel, and you will too, We'll damn the torpedoes and rip right through. Would you hand me .?.?. his left kidney? Let's just cut him open. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 4. "Toddlers and Tiaras" (to the "Mary Tyler Moore" theme) They can turn the world on with their smiles. (Maybe not the whole wide world, but certainly turn on the pedophiles.) With their makeup and fancy dresses We know that they're wearing diapers and making messes. Toddlers and tiaras! Temper tantrums! Phony teeth and hair! The crazy-rant moms! Babies are told to shake their butts. Their mothers clearly must be nuts. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) The themey underside: Honorable mentions Any Weather Channel show (to "Stormy Weather" ; start at 0:28) My oh my, trouble's brewing in the sky – stormy weather We'll draw you right in with a tether Of bad news all the time. Ratings soar if flood water's at the door – stormy weather We shun the nice days altogether And scare you all the time. Feel a strong wind blow? Perhaps a twister's perking. See a flake of snow? Maybe a blizzard's working. Did Jim Cantore show? Then catastrophe is lurking! Run for the hills once more. Check us out, soon you'll hear our warning shout – STORMY WEATHER! So let's fret and worry together. It's bad news all the time. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) "Piers Morgan Tonight" (to "Tonight" from "West Side Story"; start at 0:58) Now here's a thing: We fired Larry King, And flew across the pond to get Piers. We hoped he would Be great (at least be good), But we've got the worst ratings in years. His weasel-like interrogations And witless conversations Are nothing but a blight. Turn out the light, And get this loser out of our sight! Tonight! (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) "60 Minutes" (to "The Twelfth of Never") You ask how long one hour is; I'll make it clear: Enough time for Mike Wallace to wreck a man's career. And Morley Safer brings us an exposé — One hour is "60 Minutes," and there'll be hell to pay. Frauds laid bare! Despots put to shame! Please stay tuned, following the football game. Now here's a TV preacher turned out as fake, And undercover footage of cops on the take. Some guys will go to jail for their heinous crime, And not for 60 minutes, but for a long, long time. (Brendan Beary) "Monk" (to "ABC" by the Jackson 5) He uses ways to solve crimes That you've never, never seen before, Like holding his hands in front of his face And then squinting at the floor. Now, now, now, he sees the details (details, details) You'll never see-e. "Listen to this detective, please: He's an ace, you see, because he's got a disease." OCD, focus on symmetry. His place is clean as can be, OMG, OCD, It is plain to see! OCD. Has to touch every tree. But tell me, what's that you see? OMG! OCD—Criminals will flee! (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) "Dragnet" (to "If I Only Had a Brain") Every day's a coat-and-tie day For Sergeant Joseph Friday, In pressed and pleated slacks. He's the model for cop fitness As he canvasses each witness To acquire "just the facts." He will listen to each story, Most boring, but some gory, And never grind an ax. With the innocent protected You will hear these words inflected: "Ma'am, we only need the facts." L.A. should be this way. This mythical PD Is not known for Rodney King brutality. But for his clipped … delivery. Joe will never be relentin'. He'll send 'em to San Quentin, So victims can relax. By the book he nails each scummy Little crook so dumb-dee-dummy With his web of "just the facts." (Randy Lee, doing volunteer work in Kibwezi, Kenya) Two set to the "Mickey Mouse Club" theme: 1. "House" Who's the snarky know-it-all we watch on Fox TV? D-O-C-T-O-R H-O-U-S-E. Who never shaves and breaks the rules with regularity? D-O-C-T-O-R H-O-U-S-E. Dr. House, Dr. House, He's hooked on drugs, and that's why he gets high! High! High! High! Still, we really love him 'cause he's sexy as can be; D-O-C.?.?. (See you in the ER!) T-O-R .?.?.Are you free on Friday night?) H-O-U-S-E. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2. "The Sean Hannity Show" Who's the reader of the news who makes the pundits sigh? S-E-A, N-H-A, N-N-I-T-Y! Who's so fair and balanced you can't tip him if you try? S-E-A, N-H-A, N-N-I-T-Y! Hannity, Hannity, He's never wrong because he's always right! (Right! Right!! Right!!!) He'll turn off your microphone and leave you high and dry, S-E-A, (A class act?) N-H-A, (More like class warfare!) N-N-I-T-Y! (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) Obama at His Press Conference (to "I Gotta Feeling"; start at 0:27) I got a ceiling, and the Right's gonna make a big fight, Grover Norquist won't give 'em the green light, He says taxes on rich folks are out of sight. I got a ceiling, and when Fox replays each Boehner sound bite, It gives all the world's markets a big fright, A bad dream of default on a midsummer's night. .?.?. [skip to 3:15] Dump that Tea cup, you've had enough; Now, Mr. Speaker, just ante up! Don't kick the can on down the road — Just raise the "roof" And then we'll do it again. Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it .?.?. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) "Gilligan's Island" (to the "Brady Bunch" theme) It's a story, but you won't believe it Of some castaways upon a desert shore; Not a one of them has libido, They never try to score. You keep waiting for some slap and tickle, But they sleep in gender-segregated huts. After seven years with hot young women Are these guys gay, or nuts? While the nation's boys ask, "Mary Anne or Ginger?" The Professor works his coconuts, the fool And the Skipper and his pal fare no better It is clear that they are all asexu-ool. Asexu-ool, asexu-ool, Yes I fear, they are all asexu-ool. (Jeff Brechlin) The various "Real Housewives" (to "Carolina in the Morning") Nothing could be dumber than to spend your time this summer Watching "Housewives"; Washington or N.Y.C., really bad reality is "Housewives." Buncha ditsy women carry on with pals; This show is no persimmon — these wives are boring gals. Paying close attention to each little thing they mention Is a no-no; Caring what they do or think just means that you've begun to sink So low. If, in spite of all I've said, you're still gonna watch, I'll hafta rate your brain down a notch, 'Cause nothing could be stupider than watching it, by Jupiter, "Real Housewives"! (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Next week: How dare we, or The Huffiness Post It takes so long to read and appreciate song parodies that we have too many good ones that wouldn't get their due at the bottom of the list. So more TV theme songs will run in future weeks as "bonus tracks" in the online Invitational. 1 ====================================================================== WEEK 934, published August 28, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 934 Meet your match By Pat Myers, Published: August 25 A tattoo of Joe Biden and a toilet brush: Both are really bad design ideas for tramp stamps. ? precious bodily fluids ? a Twitter hashtag ? blue suede shoes ? fried butter on a stick ? okra sorbet ? a toilet brush ? The Descent of Man ? a Google+ invitation ? a red fez ? Misty of Chincoteague ? three clothespins ? a tattoo of Joe Biden ? the 25-entry limit Here's a tried-and-true (or, often, tried-and-blue) Invite favorite: Explain how any two items on the list above are similar or different. To ensure a totally random list, this year the Empress asked members of the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook to suggest the items, Mad Libs-style (out of eyeshot of other members). No Loser contributed more than one item. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize gets a pair of ear buds with little pink pig heads that stick out of your ears, modeled here by Sunday Style Editor Lynn Medford (she modestly decreed that everything but her ear be cropped out for the print edition). These are the same ones the Secret Service uses. Donated by the in-no-way-pigheaded Loser Craig Dykstra. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 6; results published Sept. 25 (Sept. 23 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 934" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results was suggested by both Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions name is by Gary Crockett. Report from Week 930: How dare we! in which we asked for stupid complaints to The Washington Post, because, see, we just don't get enough of them in real life: The winner of the Inker Re "Gun industry sues to block reporting rule": When will The Post stop referring to the hardworking craftsmen and women who lovingly fashion personal firearms as a soulless "gun industry"? I suggest neutral wording such as "independent Mom and Pop freeholders handcrafting Second Amendment protection devices." (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) 2. Winner of the book "Chinglish," depicting comical English signs in Beijing: Tom Toles's cartoon depicting the American people boiled symbolically in a "Tea Party" tea bag is utterly repugnant. One NEVER should boil tea in the water-heating vessel! It must be steeped in a separate teapot. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 3. The typeface of your front-page masthead is horribly incomprehensible. It looks like "CtheWa8hingtonPo8t." You should consider Comic Sans, which is a very readable font. (Drew Knoblauch, Arlington, Va.) 4. Re the article "Boehner's difficulty courting Va. freshman": Enough with the congressional sex stories! Report real news, for a change!! (Tom Panther, Springfield, Va.) Bottom-feeding carps: Honorable mentions I don't tend to read your left-wing publication, but I recently saw your headline for "Date Lab." Rick Santorum was right: Gay marriage HAS led to man-on-dog relationships, and leave it to The Washington Post to glorify them. (David Genser, Poway, Calif., who got his 324th blot of Invitational ink in 2001, and then stopped entering until this contest) Your article about counterfeit IDs once again showed your disregard for readers' needs. Nowhere in the story did it give the contact information for "the Chinese guy." (Suzanne Petroni, Falls Church, Va.) Ezra Klein's Aug. 3 column on the economy was far too sensible and balanced. You need to choose a point of view and stick with it rather than try to be on both sides of it like Mitt Romney. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) I suggest most strongly that you review your horoscope column, specifically Aquarius 7/30/11. Last week I was happily married with a good job and a comfortable house. This week I am single, unemployed and homeless. Perhaps "You will make you innermost feelings known' is not always the best advice." (John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.) I am very upset that you no longer include my favorite shows in your TV listings. I would very much like to see "Manimal" as well as XFL games, but I cannot find them on my set. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) You keep leaving the speech balloons out of that comic "Lio." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Why would you use RED INK to draw a line in a graph on Page A9 showing an IMPROVING stock market? Clearly it's to scare us into hiding money in our mattresses — a product you then shamelessly advertise a few pages later. (Jim Reagan, Herndon, Va.) Does The Post believe that young children should be shown drawings of people wearing intimate apparel? Yet on Aug. 3, there was Dagwood Bumstead in his underwear! (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Could that liberal bias POSSIBLY be more obvious? Portraying Harry Reid as a SAINT, with an enormous halo? (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) whAt iS the maTter witH the suNday stYle sectiOn? hAve yoUr tyPesettErs gonE craZy? (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) And Last: What a bunch of whiners your Free for All column contains! Don't those pathetic losers have anything better to do? (Jeff Contompasis) '19 Kids,' 2 theme songs: A pair of parodies As promised last week, we offer more of the Week 929 honorable mentions, TV theme songs that explain the show, a la "Gilligan's Island" or "The Brady Bunch." Here are two parodies about the cable show "19 Kids and Counting," set to different tunes: To "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General" from "The Pirates of Penzance" When Jim Bob and Michelle decided they would like to reproduce, Who ever thought their progeny would end up being so profuse? There's Joshua, and Janna, John, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, too. Josiah, Joy, and Jedediah, Jeremiah (not yet through). There's Jason, James, and Justin, Jackson (who is now the youngest son). The rest are girls — Johannah, Jennifer and Jordyn (almost done). The youngest girl is Josie, and her birth was very premature. And will there be another Duggar? Nobody is really sure. These 19 kids and counting have a family that loves to grow. So sit right back and watch them as they star in their own TV show. In short, in matters reproductive, names with "J" and TLC, The Duggars are the model of a televised large family.(Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) (To "My Favorite Things" from "The Sound of Music") Jessa and Jinger and Jordyn and Jana; Jennifer, Josie, Jill, Joy, and Johanna; Each one in training to be a brood wife: That's what you see when you look at our life .?.?. Josh, James, and Joseph, John, Jason, Josiah; Justin and Jackson, Jed and Jeremiah; Michael, Mackynzie and all of the rest. Breeding's the thing that we Duggars do best .?.?. No outside lessons are they made aware of. Each older child gets a babe to take care of. Polos and pinafores, crew cuts and curls; So far we've squeezed out 10 boys and 9 girls .?.?. Keep 'em poppin', never stoppin'; procreate at will. We'll keep bearing nuts for our family tree Till sponsors have had their fill! (Nan Reiner) Next week: Limerixicon 8, or To el- and back ====================================================================== WEEK 935, published September 4, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 935 The 400 blows By Pat Myers, Published: September 1 | Updated: Friday, September 2, 8:00 AM As you all no doubt have been noting on your calendars since you bought them in February for 75 percent off, this week's contest is the Empress's 400th consecutive column; she deposed that pesky Czar in Week 536. To commemorate this earthshaking occurrence, we invite you to commemorate some other ones, in a contest suggested last week by several Losers: Write a humorous poem — choose your form — about the Virginia earthquake, Hurricane Irene or another well-known natural event. As usual, poems have to merit the space they take up; long ones rarely make the print version of the Invite. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize gets, courtesy of Loser Michael Kilby of Wildau, Germany, a set of five DemocraTea tea bags (Demokratie is German for "democracy"). Each bag is attached to a little cardboard caricature of Obama, Sarkozy, Putin, Berlusconi or, of course, Merkel; you hang the bag on the side of your teacup so that it looks as if the world leader is stewing chest-high in your beverage. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 12; results published Oct. 2 (Sept. 30 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 935" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 931: Limerixicon 8, in which we asked for limericks featuring words beginning with ea- to el-. As usual, the 700-plus verses came from all over the English-speaking world, many from people who enter the Invite only for limerick contests. But we don't see how anyone can dispute that some of the world's best limericists are our own frequent Losers, as all this week's top winners happen to be. The winner of the Inker: Jocasta rolled over in bed, Out of breath, and contentedly said, "I have not been that had Since I slept with your dad" To the suddenly edified Oed. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2. Winner of the Paparazzi Shades sunglasses that look like identity-masking tape: Any Eastern cuisine I'll endorse, For they're tasty and healthy, of course. Any litchi or lentil In foods Oriental Is a great anti-Occident source. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 3. A mathematician named Fry Was the shape of a sphere. When asked why, He replied, "That's abstruse, But I roundly educe My circumference follows from pie." (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) 4. Anatomical study will show That five letters are all you need know: The ELBOW is placed Somewhere over the waist, While the BOWEL is found down BELOW. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) Just south of Nantucket: honorable mentions A bigoted comic named Seamus Went to Ecuador just to get famous By reprising old swipes At race stereotypes In his one-man show, "Andean Amos." (Brendan Beary) Eavesdropping's really the pits. Scrounging for snippets and bits On friends and on foes Is the lowest of lows, And those who employ it are substandard people. (Mae Scanlan. Washington) Sherlock Holmes is a man quite well rounded, And his brilliance leaves others astounded. But when asked by his pals Where he picks up the gals, "Elementary" will get him impounded. (Harry Wood, Andover, Mass.) Ecologically sound, the whole lot: Greens grown on my own little plot! But you hesitate — why? Oh, Don't fear, it's a bio- -degradable slug that you've got. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) The young woman beseeched the librarian: "The handsome young man I'll be marryin' Says he eats birds of prey. Got a book that'll say How to cook for an egalitarian?" (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Not one to forgo a transaction, P.T. Barnum was guile in action: To "See the Egress," folks paid Before realizing they'd Seen the exit, and not an attraction. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Easy money is funny, you know. Without effort, your wealth seems to grow, But you'll find there's a catch To each buck that you snatch. "Easy come" has its match: "easy go." (Sheila Blume, Sayville, N.Y.) She lay flat in the street in despair, But still living — I called out with care While I pointed above: "Ms. Karenina, love, It's an el train — the tracks are up there." (Brendan Beary) To the Senate comes Brutus one day In a toga that's yellowish-gray. It's so out there that Caesar, A notable teaser, Can't help but say, "Ecru, Brute?" (Chris Doyle) Now, an el is the letter we pick To start lips, lingam, latex or lick, Plus lubricious, loins, lust .?.?. Oops! I think that I just Took right off on a Freudian shtick! (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario) A dozen? But why? What forecloses One less? Still, what everyone knows is You're scarcely a gent If you only present Just eleven long-stemmed perfect roses. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) To the Eighteenth Amendment -- a toast! Fifteen years we stayed sober, almost. We spoke easy: "Joe sent me." In any event we Are tankful you're long adiosed. (David Goldberg, Pinckney, Mich.) The earwig: most species are tiny, And its segmented abdomen's shiny. They don't look debonair -- Nor would you, if a pair Of tough pincers grew out of your heinie. (Brendan Beary) "I am please to be teach elocution, And ve'll start vith you read Constitution." But as Ivan began, I rethought my whole plan – Maybe outsourcing ain't the solution. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Neapolitan divers who foray Near the reefs soon get asked, "Hey signore, "Have you seen the big eel? "It could make you its meal!" They reply, "Si, we have, that's a moray." (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) "Pen a hymn to the dead? I cannot. I would sneeze and get hives on the spot," Said a poet named Gray To his doctor one day, Who prescribed him an elegy shot. (Chris Doyle) The ego keeps reins on the id By trying her best to forbid The wickeder self To be quite such an elf (While being pleased with the things that it did). (Doug Harris, Stockton-on-Tees, England) A Tea Party darling I am, Who has passed every litmus exam. What they found most attractive Was my flatly inactive Electroencephalogram. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) An election is something we do When it's time to choose leaders anew. It's our best chance, no doubt, To just toss the bums out, And then vote in a fresh bum or two. (Larry Gray) When sprinkled with eau de cologne Enhanced with a strong pheromone, I just stroll to and fro, And wherever I go Becomes an erogenous zone. (Barrie Collins) Childhood: such great effervescence; Then, a teen's bright incandescence, Followed by years Of blood, sweat and tears; And, suddenly, one's obsolescence. (Mae Scanlan) My unfortunate buddy Tobias is Saddled with elephantiasis. To his further chagrin, On his scrotum the skin Itches bad — it's a site for psoriasis. (Chris Doyle) His spaceship came down with a jar, And he spotted a creature afar. "How disgusting!" he said; "Seven holes in its head? Yes, this Earthling is truly bizarre." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) As the bed begins rocking and shaking, And you feel like the whole planet's quaking, It's earth-moving! Tectonic! But also ironic, 'Cause your lover is actually faking. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) What my grandma called dropsy was hell. In her ankles and feet, it would dwell. If you're puffed up so much That they're tender to touch, It is clear that edema's not swell. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The echidna's a damn curiosity Of the family called Tachyglossidae. It's a mammal, lays eggs, And four heads twixt its legs!! It's no animal, it's a monstrosity! (Brendan Beary) I'm edacious, just can't get enough Of the things that I want – y'know, stuff. Sure, my greed is a curse, But my neighbors are worse. (Keeping up with the jonesing is tough.) (Chris Doyle) If I cry, in a fury, "Damnation!" We call that an ejaculation. (Minds pure and immaculate Won't know that "ejaculate" Can have other signification.) (Hugh Thirlway) It was early one morning when Tonto Spurred his pinto to sprint to Toronto. A sign he'd passed by Read "Drink Canada Dry," And he'd thought, "Worth a try — me go pronto." (Stephen Gold) So this girl that I met on vacation Made me laugh (to my mortification) – The punch line, you see Came too early to me. It's no joke: premature joculation. (Craig Dykstra) Johnny's parents demanded I tell Why I flunked him; they thought he'd done well. "When I told you that he Performed effortlessly, What I meant was he's lazy as hell." (Brendan Beary) Mister Gingrich, the bane of the left, Has declared for top billing. How deft! If it happens that Newt Succeeds in pursuit Of his goals, will we all end up eft? (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) And next: As the upcoming contest reviewer, I'm rating it high (for the sewer). Here's a preview (it's sleazy): "Your mama's so easy That even a caveman can do her." (Kevin Dopart) And once again, more TV theme songs from Week 929: The first two are about the Food Network show "Chopped"; the third is set to a tune that is very rarely parodied, if ever : To "Help" When I was young and so much younger than today, I never thought I¹d be the one who's chopped and sent away. But now I open up this basket and I find A beef tongue and some pickled watermelon rind, Durian (a nasty-smelling fruit), And a big chunk of cassava root. Judges, I've just gotta win that loot! Won't you pleeeeease not chop me? (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) To " How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" (start at 0:50) How do you cook a dinner using frogs' legs, Chia seeds, fennel, cotton candy, too? How do you make dessert with just Cheez Doodles And celery root, plus three-day-old tofu? Many a chef has come to take the challenge, Many a chef has failed and quickly "chopped." Sweat flies and there is flame, They're trying to win this fame While praying to Julia Child they won't be dropped. Oh, how do you make a dinner out of caca? Tune in to see whose menus can't be topped. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) "Monday Night Football" To "Sunday" from "Sunday in the Park With George" (start at 1:00) Monday On a long, likely subsidized field With its striped plastic turf or trimmed grass We will pass ... three-plus sacred hours. Why? Because it's Monday. Ev'ryone loves the game known as football (Though the ball rarely touches the feet). Teams compete ... and we treat it as cosmic, As a key historic moment, Like last week. Watch as men, big men in their team colors Run around, form a big jumbled mass On the grass... We'll detail it all With our slow-mo cams, and jocks, and sideline babes. And we'll show you lots of ads, You'll keep buying all that stuff, Keep our money train a-rolling. (Sure hope you don't catch on one day!) Monday! Monday! (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) Next week: It's Mother's day, or Cheap shots by the dozens ====================================================================== WEEK 936, published September 11, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 936 Hoho Contendere / Mon dieu-dieu! By Pat Myers, Updated: Friday, September 9, 8:00 AM Laissez-fairy: She thinks the market should determine the fair price for a lost tooth. Non compos mantis: Bugging out. It's our first neologism contest in 13 weeks, and it's straightforward, sort of: Slightly alter a well-known foreign-language term and define it, as Font of Contest Suggestions Malcolm Fleschner has done in the examples above. The hitch: What counts as a "foreign" language — given that so many foreign words and phrases have entered English essentially unchanged? Well, we'll make calls as we go along, but we promise to be generous; the terms you use should clearly come from a foreign language, and for a definition to work as a joke, it's important that the original term be clear and well-known enough to be recognized in your altered version. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize gets, courtesy of Loser Beverley Sharp, a can of Slap Ya Mama Cajun seasoning direct from Evangeline Parish, La., in honor of this week's results (Beverley didn't find it until after Week 932 was announced), as well as a tin of Albert Einstein's Relatively Strong Mints, which she picked up at the National Museum of Nuclear Science and History in Albuquerque. Beverley gets around. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 19; results published Oct. 9 (Oct. 7 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 936" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Judy Blanchard; this week's honorable-mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 932, in which we asked for original insult jokes in what we decorously call the "your mama" genre. The genre itself, though, isn't decorous in the least. They're insult jokes! As for originality, we Googled them as best we could, but if you've heard them before, laugh again. The winner of the Inker: Your mama's so lazy, Dan Snyder offered her a $20 million signing bonus. (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.) 2. Winner of the scorpion-embedded lollipop plus the foam Instant Dinosaurs: Your mama's so ugly, the French made her wear a burqa. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 3. Your mama's so ugly, even the Heritage Foundation doesn't want to invade her. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) 4. Your mama's nose hair is so long, I can barely see her mustache. (Jim Reagan, Herndon) Relatively insulting: Honorable mentions Your mama's so fat, she wears A-line socks. (Dion Black, Washington) Your mama's so ugly, she was thrown out of Congress for tweeting a picture of her face. (Robert Schechter) Your mama's so fat, Superman has to take three bounds to leap over her. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) Your mama's so dumb, she hired Casey Anthony to babysit. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) Your mama's so ugly, when Bill Clinton denied sleeping with her, people believed him. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Your mama's so ugly, she puts the oy in gargle. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Your mama's so big and hairy, Sarah Palin almost shot her. (Susie Wiltshire, Richmond, Va.) Your mama's so dumb, the only way she passed eighth grade was by copying your answers. (Ben Aronin) Your mama's so fat, she got wedged in the golden arches. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Your mama's so fat, she wears Army boots — one on each toe. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Your mama's so fat, when she goes swimming, the Greenpeace boat comes to protect her. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Your mama's so dumb, she uses the binary system because she can't count to two. (Meg Smith, Gaithersburg, Md., a First Offender) Your mama's such a wimp, she has a black belt in kowtow. (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario) Your mama's so old, she was at Abel's bris. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Your mama's makeup is so heavy, cupcakes are jealous. (Elise Jacobs, Silver Spring, Md.) Your mama's so big, she doesn't have hot flashes, she has global warming. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Your mama's so old, her only dating is carbon. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Your mama's so fat, when she sat down on Chuck Norris he couldn't get up. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton, Md.) Your mama's so ugly, that's not a birthmark on her neck, it's a bolt. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Your mama's so ugly, her teeth fell out just to get away from her face. (Wayne Rodgers. Satellite Beach, Fla.) Your mama's so dumb, she doesn't like the Washington Monument because "it don't look like him at all!" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, Va.) Your mama's so stupid, they gave her a Rorschach test and she answered "ink blot" to every question. (Robert Schechter) I'm not saying she's loose, but I heard Hasbro's changing the name to the "Your Mama Bake Oven." (Beth Baniszewski, Cambridge, Mass.) Your mama's so fat, she buys her clothes at Macy's .?.?. parade float hangar. (Carol Passar, Reston, Va.) Your mama's so tacky, the plastic Jesus on her truck's dashboard is a bobblehead. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Your mama's so vacuous, she thinks it's a compliment. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Your mama's had the clap so many times, she walks into a room and all the lights go off. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Yourx mama's so crazy, even Newsweek won't put her on the cover. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) Whenever your mama gets undressed, Congress has to pass another TARP. (Judy Blanchard) When your mama goes to McDonald's, you can watch the numbers change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Your mama's so ugly, paper bags refuse to go over her head. (Dudley Thompson) Your mama's so easy, she tattoos her boyfriends' names on herself in pencil. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) Your mama's so ugly that as she was being born, the delivery nurse said, "Push, push! No, wait. PULL!" (Chris Doyle) Your mama's so old, the first yo-mama joke was about her. (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.) Your mama's so zen. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Your mama's so dumb she doesn't know "Mr. Obama, yous is dum" is an anagram for "Your mama's so dumb." She says it all the time, but she has no idea .?.?. (Drew Knoblauch, Arlington) And Last: Your mama's so pathetic, she raised a daughter who created a contest for insulting mothers. (Michael Reinemer, Annandale, Va.) Next week: Stories that count (to 56) or We're not wordy! We're not wordy! ====================================================================== WEEK 937, published September 18, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 937 Staake it to Bob By Pat Myers, Updated: Friday, September 16, 7:00 AM In this week's contest, Style Invitational illustrator Bob Staake was going to tweak the work of some famous New Yorker cartoonists, much as he did for us back in 1998. But now that Bob is now a New Yorker cover boy himself, not to mention a disturbingly successful, Cape Cod waterfront-residing children's-book author and illustrator, we decided instead to make fun of Bob's own oeuvre. This week: Write a caption for any of the five pages or details pictured above from some of Bob's more than 50 picture books. (His name's pronounced "stack," by the way.) Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a prize custom-made for the Invite: a dress sewn from two classic Loser T-shirts by Loser Barbara Turner. It even has pockets. But you have to be fairly petite — it's about a size 8. Before lunch. Modeled at a Loser brunch by "Loser groupie" Denise Sudell. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 26; results published Oct. 16 (Oct. 14 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 937" in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Craig Dykstra; this week's honorable-mentions name is by Tom Witte. Report from Week 933, in which we asked, in "homage" to the 55 Fiction contest given by the California alternative weekly New Times, for 56-word humorous stories. We had a hunch that this one would be difficult. It clearly was. No Inker this week; we're starting with second place. By the way, we're counting two words joined by a hyphen as two words; a number written in numerals counts as one word. 2. Winner of the "Welcome to Loserville" sign: "Frank, your mother is back from the dead and knocking on our front door." ?"Are you sure?" ?Gillian invited him to peek through the peephole. ?"Well, let's invite her in." ?"Frank, I see fangs." ?"So?" ?"She's a vampire. If we invite her in, she'll suck the life out of our family." ?"And this is different how?" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 3. "There's a hole in the bucket, dear Henry!" "Oh, Liza. We'll fix it. In the meantime, I'll tell you a story: Star-crossed sweethearts determine to spend On each other, but – Heaven forfend – Each one sells, for his deeds, What the other's gift needs. Empty pockets, full hearts. That's the end." "Oh, Henry, what a tale!" (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 4. The president had a problem: His dark secret would be exposed in Woodward's book. It was a youthful mistake. In Hawaii. But would it become a metaphor? ?Could he cover up the incident? No, Nixon had tried that. Best to confess: "It's true: In a high school hoops game, I did blow an easy breakaway layup." (Ron Shafer, Williamsburg, Va., a First Offender) Succink: Honorable mentions Autobiography of Love: Actor, actor, Paris in May, engineer in a heart -shaped bed, playboy, poet professor, virgin math professor, Chilean politician, draft dodger in Acapulco, engineer again, San Francisco in the '70s, engineer again, Latin lover, physicist, future ex-husband, Latin lover again, bipolar psychologist, neighbor, one I resisted, professor, engineer, engineering professor. Alone. Wise? Content. (Zona Douthit, Pawtucket, R.I., a First Offender) Irony-Poor Blood When they discovered I was vegetarian, my cowboy buddies teased me mercilessly. So one night when it was my turn to watch the herd, I lit out for new parts. Had no idea we were close to vampire country. All by my lonesome, I got picked off. A century later, I like meat, but hate stakes.(Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) "I don't want people looking at me in my coffin!" she had declared. And sure enough, when the time had come, our rosy-cheeked, pleasant-faced mother, age 93, lay scowling in her coffin, the corners of her mouth turned way down. Our hysterical crying turned into hysterical laughing. You win, Mom — we'll close the coffin. (Susan Hertzler, Annandale, Va.) "Yeah, Coach. Yeah, I struck out. So?" ?"Don't give me that lip, Casey. You strike out too much. Tomorrow it's a serious session with the hitting coach. Wait — just got a note here. Hey, you've been traded! For a guy named Ruth." ?"What? That's a girl's name," sneered Casey as he swaggered off into the sunset. (Nancy Israel, Bethesda, Md.) God as My Witness, This Is a True Story "I'll need to see your ID," said the cashier at the liquor store to the young woman ahead of me. ?She passed inspection, barely. ?I put my Scotch on the counter. ?The cashier looked up at me and silently took my money. ?"You didn't check my age," I said. ?"Sir," he said, "there's no upper limit." (John Long, Mechanicsville, Va., a First Offender) And last: "I've got a protagonist – me," he mused. "And a conflict, or at least a challenge­ to squeeze a story into exactly 56 words. Now I just need a climax and a resolution, and ideally some personal growth." ?So he hit the Word Count button. When he saw the number, he knew he'd live happily ever after. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Next week: Meet your match, or I'm likenin' it ====================================================================== WEEK 938, published September 25, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 938 Free and Lear By Pat Myers, Friday, September 23, 3:50 AM There was an Old Man with a beard, Who said, 'It is just as I feared! Two Owls and a Hen, Four Larks and a Wren, Have all built their nests in my beard!' — Edward Lear, from "A Book of Nonsense," 1846 There was an old man with a beard Who said, "It is just as I feared! I thought I'd seem straight With this pretty young date, But I still hear them calling me 'weird.'?" — Gene Weingarten, 2011 Edward Lear never called them limericks, but the 19th-century poet is widely considered the grandfather of the form, though not its inventor. But as the example above shows, Lear's limericks tend not to be what we in the Invitational Age would call clever, and they certainly have none of the risque humor now associated with the genre. Loser Extraordinaire Kevin Dopart suggests that we rectify that situation. This week: Write a limerick using the first two lines of any of Lear's 115 limericks (see them here) plus your own three remaining lines, as The Washington Post's Official Dean of Doggerel has done above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a dignified game called Doody Head, in which one person wears a "grippy hat" while others toss "super squidgy doodies" (made of brown fabric and foam) at the head of the eager-to-please victim. Donated by Nan Reiner. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 3; results published Oct. 23 (Oct. 21 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 938" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Matt Monitto. Report from Week 934, our perennial contest in which we supplied a randomly compiled list of objects and asked you to tell us how any two were alike or different: The winner of the Inker The difference between a toilet brush and a tattoo of Joe Biden: One's a bristly Number Two tool; the other's merely the depiction of one. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) 2. Winner of the of ear buds with little pink pig heads that stick out of your ears: A Twitter hashtag is a pound sign. Fried butter on a stick is a pounds sign. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3. A toilet brush and okra sorbet: Faced with either one, most people would rather not lick the bowl. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 4. Precious bodily fluids and a tattoo of Joe Biden: Both are best kept to yourself on a first date. (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt, Md.) Beyond compare: Honorable mentions A toilet brush and three clothespins: If you don't use the first, it's good to have the second handy for guests. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) Fried butter on a stick and Misty of Chincoteague: Even the French won't eat fried butter on a stick. (Maria Zimmerman, Berryville, Va., a First Offender) Three clothespins differ from a toilet brush because the first would be a poor rating in a perfume directory, and the second one even worse. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Precious bodily fluids vs. fried butter on a stick: Most "Twilight" fans think consuming fried butter on a stick is gross. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) The Descent of Man and a tattoo of Joe Biden: Waving either one around could get you kicked out of Bob Jones University. (Christy Tosatto, Brookeville, Md.) Misty of Chincoteague and a tattoo of Joe Biden: With Misty you get the whole horse. (Howard Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) The Descent of Man and precious bodily fluids: Two things you regularly see on a Metro escalator. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.; Pam Sweeney) Misty of Chincoteague and the 25-entry limit: The first, lots of whinnying; the other, lots of whining. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A Twitter hashtag is spaceless; The Descent of Man is baseless. #ItIsOnlyATheory, Dayton, Tenn. (Jeff Contompasis) Misty of Chincoteague and a Twitter hashtag: Both lead readers to juvenile fiction. (Michael Reinemer, Annandale, Va.) Fried butter on a stick and okra sorbet: Both are treats that Paula Deen would improve by adding a big dollop of mayo, whipped cream and a drizzle of Cheese Whiz. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Three clothespins and fried butter on a stick: Both are related to size XXL underpants. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) Okra sorbet and a toilet brush: One's like gumbo; the other's for where your bum goes. (Erika Hoffeld, Silver Spring, Md.) A Google+ invitation is supposed to separate the wheat from the chaff. The 25-entry limit is supposed to separate the wit from the chaff. (Chris Doyle) Blue suede shoes and precious bodily fluids: Both should be preceded with the warning "Don't you step on my .?.?." (Sheila Randall, Damascus, Md., a First Offender) Precious bodily fluids and a Twitter hashtag: two things that Anthony Weiner is keeping to himself these days. (Dave Hanlon, Woodbridge, Va.) A toilet brush and Misty of Chincoteague: A toilet brush scrubs out poop, while Misty poops out scrub. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Okra sorbet: Eat to your heart's content. Fried butter on a stick: Eat to your heart's contempt. (Chris Doyle) Precious bodily fluids and a Google+ invitation: Both should be shared only among carefully chosen circles. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) A Twitter hashtag starts out with the pound sign. Fried butter on a stick ends up with the colon. (Jeff Contompasis) Three clothespins and the 25-entry limit: Both are overkill for one T-shirt. (Danny Bravman, Chicago) The difference between blue suede shoes and precious bodily fluids: Howard Hughes didn't have a closet full of blue suede shoes. (Pam Sweeney) Precious bodily fluids and a tattoo of Joe Biden: One is related to "Strangelove," the other to a strange love. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.; Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) The 25-entry limit and a tattoo of Joe Biden: They both reflect the fact that a desire for ink can get out of control. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) The 25-entry limit and a toilet brush: Both help keep the crap to a minimum. (Rob Huffman; Ira Allen; Tim Watts, Temple Hills, Md.) The difference between blue suede shoes and a tattoo of Joe Biden: You can step on a tattoo of Joe Biden. In fact, in some states it is mandatory. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) A red fez is like blue suede shoes: Both look nice resting on Ottomans. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg) Precious bodily fluids and the 25-entry limit: Jenna Jameson isn't concerned about preserving either of them. (Mike Gips) Precious bodily fluids and a tattoo of Joe Biden: One is where babies come from, while the other could be a form of birth control. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) The 25-entry limit and The Descent of Man: Both are considered totally wrong by a bunch of not-so-deep thinkers. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Precious bodily fluids and the 25-entry limit: Both are essential in order to get a life. (Beverley Sharp) A Google+ invitation makes you privy to the useless, while a toilet brush is useless in the privy. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) Blue suede shoes and fried butter on a stick: In Elvis's case, the difference was about 20 years. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Next week: The 400 Blows, or Rhymes Against Nature ====================================================================== WEEK 939, published October 2, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 939 Doubled-up features By Pat Myers, Published: September 29 Please Don't Eat Miss Daisy: Hannibal Lecter lands a job driving for a prim Southern spinster. (Peter Metrinko and Laura Miller) Pollyanna Karenina: "Oh, my — isn't that the most beautiful train?" (Brendan Beary) From the people who brought you the contest to combine two movie titles and describe the result: This week: Combine two movie titles and describe the result, as in the examples above from the Losing entries of Week 610 in 2005. You can see previous winners here, so you don't make the loser move of sending in the same entries. As in the first example, the titles don't need to have the exact word in common; what's important is that it's clear which two films are combined. (Unless it's been fixed by the time you read this, Bob Staake's cartoon appears as a li'l ol' thing on this page; here's a bigger view.) Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, appropriately, the sequel to a previous prize: "More Chinglish," more comically mis-translated or overly literal English-language signs found in China. (On a train: "Please count on the spot the money thing." Warning sign: "If you are stolen, call the police at once.") Donated by Kevin Dopart. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 10; results published Oct. 30 (Oct. 28 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week, a limit that would have perhaps kept the Empress from having to read more than 4,000 entries to this contest the first time around. Include "Week 939" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Barbara Turner. Report from Week 935, in which we asked, in the aftermath of the Virginia earthquake and Hurricane Irene, for poems about some natural event. As befitting a contest about disasters, most among the flood of entries were at least semi-catastrophic. But there were lots of worthies as well, including some lengthy efforts that appear only online. The winner of the Inker Irene, a swirling hurricane, was headed up the East, So residents prepared to weather out the wind and rain. The grocery stores were emptied as all peace and calmness ceased, For mobs were looting businesses from Florida to Maine. In Washington, however, politicians in their seats Just steamed and stewed, till one spoke up: "Though I don't wish to fuss, These people, for a hurricane, will swarm and flock the streets, So why don't our constituents react that way for us?" (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) 2. Winner of the DemocraTea tea bags with cartoons of world leaders: The Mid-Atlantic drowns in rain, while Texas broils infernal. You'd think that Mother Nature would be slightly more maternal. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 3.Let's pray for a rainstorm, Urged Governor Perry. Was that a great brainstorm? God snickers. Not very. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) 4. Humpty Dumpty sat on a ridge Just this side of Memorial Bridge. The earthquake struck, like a little bomblet, And Humpty Dumpty became an omelet. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Writers on the storm: Honorable mentions Augustily lustily, Vesuvius shot off In 79 In a plot to disrupt us. The dust baked the populace, Archaeologically Capturing some folks In coitus eruptus. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) San Francisco, 1989 World Series earthquake Leaves fans running for cover. One strike and they're out. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) 'Bout threescore million years ago (Well, give or take a few), The dinosaurs that roamed the Earth Became extinct (it's true). The dust cloud from a meteor Had ravaging effects: A dearth of food (and sadly, too: Tyrannosaurus sex). (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A warning from God or from Allah, or was it A strange Mayan calendar moment of fate? Sorry, for me, the seismology does it: It's just a tectonic adjustment, mid-plate. (Courtney Knauth, Washington) I hope that there will never be A stronger earthquake in D.C. D.C. with services hard-prest To pass a snow removal test; D.C. where Pepco users pray For power to stay up today; D.C. that may in summer wear West Nile mosquitoes in her hair. If you must shake up fools like me, Please, God, no more than 5.3. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Tropical Storm Lee After "Gunga Din" Why is it the hurricane Doesn't hurry in the main? It mocks its own potentiality; Gail was just a gale, And Hope moped on to fail, Till this year and the storm they named for me. Oh it was Lee, Lee, Lee! You soggy, squalling, sacrilegious Lee! You did me proud, you did, You rained in buckets, kid, We're all the wetter — thanks, Disastrous Lee! (Lee Ballard, Mars Hill, N.C., a First Offender) That Sinking Feeling That storm Irene dealt me a blow: My bank account's much tauter. Alas, my mortgage and my car Are now both underwater. (Mel Loftus, Alexandria, Va.) Mirthquake I never thought I'd hear it; I feared 'twas not my fate. But one hot day in August, "The earth moved!" cried my date. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) When all the levees busted up and flooded New Orleans, They say it was an "act of God." I wonder what that means? Was God a mere performer who was cracking some sick joke? Was God just putting on a show the day the levees broke? I've thought a lot about it yet I still can't figure out, When God "acts," why do all His roles involve a flood or drought? The only moral that my brain is currently extracting: God should find a new career at once and give up acting. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Virginia's for lovers Who need a cold shower. And here my verse ends 'Cause we just lost our (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Global warming's an obvious hoax — Bad science and make-believe drama. But, folks, if it's true, holy smokes! It's God telling us, "Vote out Obama!" — M. Bachmann, Stillwater, Minn. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Disasters by the Score The quake: 5 point 8. Irene: Category 1. Pepco power: None. (Jason Dorpinghaus, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) Say "Tohoku," her hands become clammy. Tammy terribly fears a tsunami. She predicts: "We'll all drown! Waves will pound my hometown!" (Though she's living in north Alabamy.) (Sheila Blume, Sayville, N.Y.) Religious folks from all around Our state, the Old Dominion: Catholics, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews Lutherans and Quakers, When the earthquake threw them to the ground, Were all of one opinion: It was a shock to learn the news: Virginia is for Shakers. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.; note the unusual ABCD-ABCD rhyme scheme) Rollin' Into Rockaway Shall I compare thee to a giant fart, Irene? For such indeed thou art. How foul thy blast, which struck full force our shore, And now my home, Chez Goldblatt, is no more. Alack! I heeded not great Bloomberg's warning. Instead, I sat outside, beneath the awning Used once for shade, while napping on the deck. "A little wind," I thought. "Hey, what the heck!" 'Tis neither that my garments all are rent, Nor that my sole abode is but a tent That taxeth my reserves beyond endurance. I clean forgot to pay the damned insurance. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Krakatoa Is no moa. (Mae Scanlan) A Double Shot of Moonshine "Blue Moon," it's true, has naught to do With feelings sad, nor lunar hue. No way the phrase portrays the craze Of baring boyhood cheek or two. It's when at last it comes to pass, Two full moons in one month amass. And late next year, – Wait! Did I hear You ask, "Who gives a rodent's ass?" (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) High life for Romans! Pompeii was for living! None heeded omens of blast unforgiving, Years after quaking, Vesuvius building, Growing and waking to smother the gilding. Heat would benumb this, the masses were punished; Pummeled with pumice, Pompeiians were none-ished. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Huffity, puffity, Irene and Isabel, Blustery sisters who Made quite a show. Raced up the Chesapeake, Bearing the lesson that, Incontrovertibly, Hurricanes blow. (Nan Reiner) Anti-Invitational (an undisastrous disaster) : A catastrophe caused by a tilt And compounded by feelings of guilt Came at breakfast today With the tears of dismay That were shed for the milk I had spilt. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) And from a college English instructor, a 39-line verse form perhaps better suited to a mathematician — a mathematician with a lot of time on his hands: "Irena Sestina" I drove slowly to the rear of the CVS, cursing the dark screen of the busted Redbox. Shaking it hadn't helped. My DVD, "Cold Mountain," was now late and wet. I was going to rent "The Bridges of Madison County, or maybe a Jeff Bridges flick. What a pain in the rear. Irene whipped her long, wet lashes of rain across my dark minivan. I was soaked and cold, watching roadside banners shaking and traffic lights swaying. Shaking off my urge to burn late-fee bridges and go straight home for a cold one, I drove across town, watching the rear view mirror as the sky turned dark. "Hold Back the River" by Wet Wet Wet poured 1989 through the speakers: a wet year indeed. Hugo left South Carolina shaking, and The Quake left Loma Prieta in the dark. I know engineers checked all the bridges after Mineral shook us up, but I rode the rear of the car ahead as I crossed one. A cold glance from the Redboxers waiting in the cold Wal-Mart entryway tossed a wet blanket on my in-and-out plan. To the rear of the line I went, shaking the case to the beat of Tracy's "Bridges." Before the generators kicked on, everything went dark. No doubt — if I made it home — the house would be dark. The shower I'd meant to take would be cold. Crap! Chicken in the freezer! Cross those bridges later, I thought. I stripped my wet clothes in the front hall, shaking soaked pants from my ankles, covering my rear with "The Big Lebowski." I was cold and wet, but cool (Bridges, man!), shaking up a White Russian in the dark. Irene could kiss my rear. (Amanda Yanovitch) Next week: Hoho Contendere, or Ha Propos ====================================================================== WEEK 940, published October 9, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 940: Mess with our deads By Pat Myers, Friday, October 7, 3:03 AM HUSKERS GET NUDE WELCOME TO BIG TEN (originally 'rude welcome') Nebraska players distracted by marching band, lose to Wisconsin In response to requests from the Facebook group Style Invitational Devotees, an encore of this variation on our perennial "Mess With Our Heads" contest: Change a headline by one letter, or switch two letters, or change spacing or punctuation, in a headline (or most of a headline) appearing on an article or ad in The Washington Post or on washingtonpost.com from Oct. 7 through Oct. 17, and elaborate on it in a "bank" headline (subhead), as in the entry above by Mark Holt, taken from a story in the Oct. 2 Post. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a two-foot-long green-and-white Gummi Snake, which should be edible, if a bit stale by now. Donated by Melissa Yorks. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 10; results published Nov. 6 (Nov. 4 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 940" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results and this week's honorable-mentions subhead are by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 936, in which we asked for neologisms based on foreign terms: Each entry below contains a link to the original word or phrase. The winner of the Inker Cogito ergo bum: Sudden realization of graduating philosophy majors. (Greg Deye, Kensington, a First Offender) 2. Winner of the Slap Ya Mama Cajun seasoning: Altar ego: "I do, and so does she." (Jim Reagan, Herndon, Va.) 3. Après moi le deluxe: My wife's run off with a millionaire. (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario) 4. Bon voltage: What you wish a homeowner as the sky grows dark and the wind whips up. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Crème de les crumbs: Honorable mentions Ave. Maria: It's around the corner from Church St. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) La Belly Époque: 21st-century America. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Avant-garden: The flowers are lovely, but I'm not sure about the urinal in the middle of the rhododendrons. (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Schlitzkrieg: Pregame rush at the convenience store. (Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.) 'Fro pas: A perm disaster. (Elise Jacobs, Silver Spring, Md.) Meat culpa: Confessions of a lapsed vegetarian. (John Shea, Philadelphia) Fin de sickle: When the hammer fell on the Berlin Wall. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Fit accompli: When the screaming 2-year-old finally gets the cookie. (Jo Ann Staebler, Manassas, Va., a First Offender) Domino's vobiscum: Pizza be with you. (Mel Loftus, Alexandria, Va.) Hatwa: Declaring an open season of snark on Princess Beatrice. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) Ode de toilette: Bathroom stall poetry. (Tony Arancibia, Falls Church, Va.) No-bless oblige: First Amendment protection for atheists. (Mark Richardson, Washington) Mi casa es Sue's casa: I can't believe the judge gave her the house! (Gene Hartis, Sealy, Tex., a First Offender) D'oh naturel: Forgot my pants! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Alma matter: The slew of fundraising mail from your university. (Tom Panther, Springfield, Va.) Maison d'ebtre: A house about to be repossessed. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) Quid pro quote: "A penny for your thoughts" adjusted for inflation. (Yuki Henninger, Vienna, Va.) Je ne sais ha: I don't get it. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Magna cum fraude: Graduating with high honors from Diploma Mill U. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Horse d'oeuvres: Appetizers made with filly mignon. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.) Mirage à trois: In your dreams, man. (Keith Maynard, Annapolis, Md.) Arroz con polio: The second-worst health code violation in the restaurant industry, just behind Enchiladas con Ebola. (Robert Schechter) Ipso fatso: "So, yes, I'm afraid that means you need to buy two airplane tickets, sir." (Mike Harbert, Leesburg, Va., a First Offender) Perishtroika: Russia's return to All Putin All the Time. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Persona non tata: A flat-chested woman. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Tour de forceps: Delivery of a 16-pound baby. (Theresa Kowal, Silver Spring, Md.) Trump-l'oeil: A combover that fools no one. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Deductio ad absurdum: A good way to get audited. (Pam Sweeney) Bin voyage: Burial at sea. (Jay Cummings, Greenbelt, Md., a First Offender) Cart Blanche: What Dorothy and Rose have to do after a wild night on the Miami strip. (Dion Black, Washington) Caveat empty: Batteries not included. (Brian Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Coltus interruptus: When Bob Irsay pulled out of Baltimore, 1984. (Theresa Kowal) Church la femme: "Your mother and I think you and your girlfriend have been living together long enough." (Stan McLeroy, Herndon, Va.) Entrée gnu: Roast beest. (Mark Segal, Rockville, Md., who got his only previous Invite ink in 2002) Laissez-ferry: A vessel steered by an invisible hand. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Mardi Gas: Fart Tuesday. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Obgyn d'art: A Georgia O'Keeffe painting. (Christopher Lamora,, Guatemala City) Bum de terre: A couch potato. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Pox copuli: An STD. (Barrie Collins) Zitgeist: Spirit of the teenage. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Affaire de cur: Ciao, baby, I'm not into meaningful relationships. (Barrie Collins) Après mop le déluge : Just when I've dried out my basement after Irene, here comes Lee. (Pam Sweeney) Nouvelle cuy-sine: The latest culinary trend — Andean guinea pig. (Kathy el-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) Hare Krishnag: Mommm.?.?. mommm .?.?.mommm .?.?. (Judy Blanchard) Veni, veni, veni: I had a very nice time. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Ex Post fixo: Retired newspaper copy editor. (Susan Thompson , Cary, N.C.) And Last: La page aux folles: The back of the Sunday Style section. (David Keating, Chevy Chase, Md., a First Offender) Next week: Staake it to him or Caldenotts ====================================================================== WEEK 941, published October 16, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 941 They don't say By Pat Myers, Updated: Friday, October 14, 8:00 AM "I'm on my break" — Florence Nightingale "New heels and half-soles, please" — Imelda Marcos As we close in on the 973-contest run of the New York Magazine Competition, the contest that inspired the Czar of The Style Invitational (Deposed) to rip it off and add poop jokes, we lift yet another idea from its editor, Mary Ann Madden (as well as the examples above, by Fran Stevens and Nomi Presby, respectively), from a 1986 contest that cries out for an update: Give us a quote that a particular person, present or past, real or fictional, sooo wouldn't have said. Remember that the point is to be funny, not bitterly screedy against some politician who's the current object of your wrath. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a stuffed Mr. Bill doll that, when you push on its belly, cries not the famed "Ohhhh noooooo," but — we don't know if this was incompetence or disgruntled-worker sabotage or what — something that sounds very, very much like "Oyyyyy veyyyyy." Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 24; results published Nov. 13 (Nov. 11 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 941" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised titles for next week are by Brad Alexander and Chris Doyle, respectively (they were both just so good); this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 937, in which we showed you five pictures from the oeuvre of Style Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake's slumming job as a illustrator and/or writer of more than 50 picture books, and asked you to provide captions. To see the pictures along with credits for the books they came from, click on the thumbnails at the top of the page. The winner of the Inker Picture A: Mr. Wilson went to his grave denying that he gave Dennis the Menace the special elderberry hot chocolate. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) 2. Winner of the dress made from two Loser T-shirts: Picture B: Bobby's pet truck just loved to stick his head out the car window on family trips to East Place. (Jim Reagan, Herndon, Va.) 3. Picture C: Snowy and Shadow made sure that Missy would never again serve their salmon two degrees below optimum. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) 4. Picture D: "Relax, Mr. Krupsteiner, I know exactly what I'm doing. This amniocentesis will only take a moment." (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Dorks of art: Honorable mentions PICTURE A When Jimmy won the children's card game tournament, he was awarded a genuine Old Maid. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) Even as a little boy the Hulk was uncontrollable, given to gambling and strong coffee. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Aunt Louise, Lulubelle and Cleo knew they had to run for it when their "spayed" card came up. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) When Grandma heard me yell "52 pickup," she thought her Match.com date had arrived. (Bob DiPasquale, Round Rock, Tex., a First Offender) Much to Nana's disappointment, lacing Billy's cocoa with Comet only turned him a little green. (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.) PICTURE B The hovercraft revolution did nothing to change highway dynamics. (Cathy Lamaze, North Potomac, Md.) Another aggressive driver compensating for his tiny "axles." (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.; Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) The Nelsons just didn't know that the "honk your horn" hand signal is the worst possible insult to a Transformer. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) PICTURE C Good: Flaming redhead. Bad: Flaming blonde. (Scott Poyer, Annapolis, Md., a First Offender) "No, I said she should lighten her hair." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Little girls who are forced to receive the HPV vaccine have suffered burning palms and armpits; they also smell like tuna. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Susie now really believes it's bad luck when a black cat crosses your path while you're lighting a match during a kerosene squirt gun fight. (Kevin Dopart) We told her not to take that drummer job with Spinal Tap! (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) PICTURE D Dr. Cooley suddenly remembered that he forgot to tell his patient to turn over. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Once dentists tried putting the Novocain directly into the mouth, things sped up considerably. (Larry Yungk) Simon opted for the very rare cosmetic surgery known as lipo-injection. (Jason Russo) PICTURE E Knowing her older sister's habit of going commando, and the transparency of backlit gossamer, Meg had a little prank planned for Father Dave. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Even at Jenny's wedding, her nasty little sister Penny managed to steal the spotlight. (Jessica Mathews, Stanley, Va.) Sandra was such a fine obituary writer that several zombies came to her wedding. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville, Md.) On the bride's side of the aisle, attendance at the wedding was a little light. (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) "Mommy, if he's the vicar of Christ, how come they're walking on water and he's sinking?" (Mark Asquino, Washington) When half of the minister disappeared, Brad and Jennifer realized they should have used a more experienced holographer for their faked wedding. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Next week: Free and Lear, or Refinishing Antiques, or End Me Your Lears ====================================================================== WEEK 942, published October 23, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 942 Singular ideas By Pat Myers, Updated: Friday, October 21, 8:00 AM A contest to come up with a new modeling clay to be endorsed by Homer Simpson. Winner: Doh. (Ralph Kass) A contest to name a medical practice that specializes in treating only elephantiasis and elephant man's disease. Winner: Pachydermatology. (David Garratt) It's often a gamble to put forth a new contest that a reader suggests. The way it often goes: Someone comes up with a funny joke or observation, then fires it off to the Empress, saying, "This would make a great contest!" Sometimes it does. Sometimes not so much, once you've used up that particular joke. This week, in a contest we did once before, in 1999: Give us an idea for a contest for which there's likely only one good entry (which you also supply, duh), as in the inking entries above from Week 317. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a deck of playing cards promoting Abell Pest Control; the faces of the numbered cards feature photos of various menacing-looking insectoid critters. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 31; results published Nov. 20 (Nov. 18 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 942" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Jeff Contompasis; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Gary Crockett. Report from Week 938, in which we showed you 115 limericks by Edward Lear, the 19th-century grandfather of the genre, and asked you to use the first two lines of any of Lear's poems and supply your own Lines 3, 4 and 5 to create what we now would consider a funny, clever limerick (Lear's own were, to put it charitably, not). This contest drew far more entries than for any of our previous limerick contests — more than 1,500. And perhaps 20 percent of them were very good; the Empress spent large and equal amounts of time hemming and hawing (maybe a little more hawing) to choose the ones below. (The link on the first line of each limerick goes to the page containing Lear's original. The winner of the Inker: There was an Old Man of Jamaica, Who suddenly married a Quaker; For that's how it ends If you start off just Friends: She may press you one evening to take her. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) 2. Winner of the Doody Head game with the hat and the "doodies" you toss onto it: There was an Old Person of Burton Whose answers were rather uncertain, For his words were all jumbled: "Know I don't, dear," he mumbled, "Which butt makes your fat look less skirt in." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 3. There was a Young Girl of Majorca Whose aunt was a very fast walker; But the girl would insist They instead dance the twist, For the girl was a very fast torquer. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 4. There was an old man at a casement Who held up his hands in amazement: "My not wearing pants Explains all their rants, And, perhaps, what that one woman's gaze meant." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif., a First Offender) Lear-misses: Honorable mentions There was an Old Man who said, "How Shall I flee from that horrible cow?" (Though I don't mean to tattle, He didn't mean cattle — His wife was one ornery Frau.) (Brendan Beary) There was a Young Lady whose eyes Were unique as to colour and size, And whose cheek held her nose — So she soon got to pose For Picasso, to no one's surprise. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) There was an Old Man in a tree, Who was horribly bored by a bee; He carelessly slipped as He spelled "eucalyptus," So he lost the bee due to ennui. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) There was an Old Person of Ischia, Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier. When looking for sex, He would call up his ex (And her mother, which frankly, was riskier). (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) There was a young lady of Troy, Whom several large flies did annoy, This Helen, in fright, Closed the windows up tight: Trojan horseflies might well be a ploy. (Courtney Knauth, Washington) There was an old man on some rocks, Who shut his wife up in a box. He would make a big deal Out of each morning's meal: He'd eat bagels and she would get locks. (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) There was an Old Person of Tartary Who divided his jugular artery, Then died on the spot. "I don't think, thus I'm not .?.?." Was the man's parting shot of Descartesery. (Chris Doyle) There was an old person of Tring Who embellished his nose with a ring. That's not odd to me; Since the young folk I see Have embellished their, well, everything. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) There was an Old Derry down Derry Who loved to see little folks merry. He declared, "It's such fun When you jog with a gun!" So he's planning to vote for Rick Perry. (Gary Crockett, formerly of Texas) There was an Old Man of Peru, Who never knew what he should do Till his wife said, "D'you see, Dear, that this bit of me Fits together with that bit of you?" (Hugh Thirlway) There was an Old Person of Bangor, Whose face was distorted with anger. Sixty years to the day Since it had stuck that way; His mom warned him, but he'll never thank her. (Eric Fritz, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) There was a Young Lady of Clare Who was sadly pursued by a bear. The end of this story (Which could have been gory): Their cubs have blue eyes and blond hair. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) There was an Old Lady whose folly Induced her to sit on a holly. She stuck there and died, And her family cried, But as Christmas decor she looks jolly. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) There was an Old Person of Philae, Whose conduct was scroobious and wily; He hates people's guts, So it drives them all nuts When his e-mails are signed with a :). (David Goldberg, Pinckney, Mich.) There was an Old Person of Philae, Whose conduct was scroobious and wily; He QBed the Skins To a measly five wins. And now Minnesotans aren't smiley. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg) There was an old person from Gretna Who rushed down the crater of Etna, Crying, "Fie, you volcano! Won't catch me today! No, You want this old bird, but ain't get'na." (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) There was a Young Lady of Ryde, Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied. She'd once prayed in fun, "Thy will be undone." "We're a frayed knot," the voice said. "Denied." (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) There was a Young Person of Smyrna, Whose Grandmother threatened to burn her A Mozart CD, Saying, "Now maybe we Can hear something besides Tina Turner." (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) There was an Old Man of Peru, Who watched his wife making a stew; She said, "Don't be a jerk — Have a bowl before work, And alpaca nice lunch for you too." (Brendan Beary) There was a Young Lady whose nose Was so long that it reached to her toes. When Pinocchio walked by, He said, "Wow! What's the lie I must tell if I want one of those?" (Robert Schechter) There was a Young Lady of Clare, Who was sadly pursued by a bear; (That's the kind on The Street). Her account's now petite. She's rethinking the old "laissez-faire." (Allen Clark, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) There was an Old Man of Quebec, A beetle ran over his neck. "Fahrvergnügen!" he cried out As the bystanders pried out His body from under the wreck. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) There was an old man of Berlin Whose form was uncommonly thin; He looked, I won't lie, Like an umlauted ï, With neither a grin nor a chin. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) There was an Old Man of Marseilles, Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils, Which they'd bought yesterday Near the beach in Marseilles Where they dined upon buttery sneilles. (Steve Langer) There was an old person of Sparta, Who had 21 sons and one darter. EPA soon objected: "That fish is protected!" Now he's jailed and a Tea Party martyr. (Courtney Knauth) There was an Old Person of Cromer, Who stood on one leg to read Homer; He's the lone man I've seen Ever christened Eileen, But in his case, it's not a misnomer. (Brendan Beary) There was an Old Man with a nose, Who said, "If you choose to suppose That its length might suggest I am equally blessed Somewhere else, that's a yes. Check my toes." (Chris Doyle) There was an Old Person of Chili Whose conduct was painful and silly. He would jabber about, But no words would come out. (He was channeling Milli Vanilli.). (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) There was an Old Man of Columbia, Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer; The brew caused this crime Of an idiot rhyme, With each line getting dumbia and dumbia. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) There was an Old Man on a hill, Who seldom, if ever, stood still. Whence came the devotion To perpetual motion? His twice-daily Dexedrine pill. (Sheila Blume, Sayville, N.Y.) There was a Young Lady of Parma, Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer; When he said things had changed, She replied, "You're deranged: There's no second term, Mr. Obama." (LeRoy LaRoche, Potomac, a First Offender) There was a Young Lady of Norway, Who casually sat on a doorway. To each passing bounder, She'd quip, "Quarter-pounder? If so, come on in — have it your way!" (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) There was a Young Lady of Ryde Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied. But her corset, it's said, Was untied instead By young men who had come to ride Ryde. (Bob Klocek, Fairfax Station, a First Offender) There was an old man from the Isles Whose face was pervaded with smiles. He spent his time mergin' With every young virgin In sundry positions and styles. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) There was an Old Man of Coblenz, The length of whose legs was immense. But even immenser Was [oops, The Post's censor Informs me this might give offense]. (Chris Doyle) Next week: Mash: The Retread, or Doubled Oeuvre 1 ====================================================================== WEEK 943, published October 30, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 943 Ask Backwards By Pat Myers Friday, October 28, 8:00 AM Dancing With the Armadillos 9-9-1, 342 Twilight VII Ben & Jerry's next flavor 141 characters Roman cavalry choirs Dan Snyder's new dinghy A crumpet and marmalade party The far corner of Michelle Obama's garden Not until after Thanksgiving Only if you delete two words The Easter Bunny but not the Tooth Fairy It's by far the most repeated Style Invitational contest — the Empress had run it seven times in her 407-week-old reign; the Czar, 21 times in 535 weeks — but we hadn't let it loose on you for two full years. This week: You are on "Jeopardy!" Above are the 12 "answers." You supply the questions for as many as you like. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a book of Day of the Dead paper dolls, with which you can dress a handsome pair of señor-and-señora skeletons in an array of fancy duds. Definitely what the well-dressed bones will be wearing next Nov. 1 (of course we conveniently made it just a little too late to use this year). Donated a shamefully long time ago by Lois Douthitt. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 7; results published Nov. 27 (Nov. 25 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 943" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Chris Doyle; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Report from Week 939, in which we asked you to "mash" two movie titles and describe the result: The winner of the Inker: The Social Network Network: "I'm mad as hell and I'm going not going to Like it anymore!" (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.) 2. Winner of the book "More Chinglish," featuring comically messed-up English-language signs found in China: Grumpy Old Yeller: A family decides it has no choice but to shoot Grandpa. (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) 3. Stand and Deliverance: A math teacher at a boys' school in Georgia demands excellence of his students – OR ELSE! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 4. Taxi Driver With the Wind: The Holland Tunnel never seemed so long. (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Md.) Filmy residue: Honorable mentions Black Swan Down: 123 elite ballet dancers drop into Somalia for an intense, desperate audition. (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) Sixth Sense and Sensibility: "I see boring people." (Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.; Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Bridget Jones's Motorcycle Diaries: How to eat, whine and faux-pas your way across South America. (Arden Levine, New York, a First Offender) The 2010 Commandments: Moses receives His unedited first draft. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The French Cone-ection: Beldar and Prymaat deal drugs that they get from .?.?. France. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Twelve Angry Monkeys: Thanks to an intelligence-enhancing serum, the Scopes trial takes an unforeseen turn. With Andy Serkis as Juror No. 8. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Se7en Samurai: I can't tell you the ending, but it involves Gwyneth Paltrow's head and a bento box. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) Dumbo Geste: A stupid, comically conspicuous yet heroic fugitive joins the French Foreign Legion. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) Born Free Willy: Animal-rights activists set an orca free on the Serengeti Plain, with disastrous results. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Syriana Karenina: A Russian socialite is so confused by multiple story lines, characters and locations that she throws herself under a train. (John Shea, Philadelphia) There's Something About Mary Poppins: Her hair is always practically perfect — must be her special gel. (Dave Coutts, Severna Park, Md.) The Breakfast Fight Club: "Leggo my Eggo!" (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Fantastic Rear Window Voyage: Colonoscopy: The Musical — toe-tappin', tail-tippin' fun! (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Dr. No Strings Attached: "The name's Bond .?.?. just Bond; let's not drag full names into this." (Danny Bravman, Chicago) Dances With Werewolves: And you thought Carrie could wreck a prom! (Cheryl Davis, Arlington, Va.) Gone With a Mighty Wind: A day in the life of Pepco. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) The Aristocratatouilles: Some of America's best-known chefs try their hand at doing something with eggplant. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) Stairway to Heaven Can Wait: Judgment Day arrives when God's evacuation plan is nixed by the House Transportation Committee. (Jim Reagan, Herndon) Who's Afraid of Dancing with Virginia Wolves?: "America's Got Talent" meets "Survivor." (David Heller, Silver Spring, a First Offender) Left Behind the Green Door: Performers in an adult theater experience the Rapture, leaving the audience members to entertain themselves and one another. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton) Glen, Garry, Glen, Ross, Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice: Double the fun with so many more permutations! (Michael Greene, Alexandria) Annie Halloween: The horror of having an affair with Woody Allen. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) Swept Away We Were: Yoda is shipwrecked on a beach with a spoiled rich Communist sympathizer. (Jeff Brechlin) They Shoot Hoosiers, Don't They?: The Illinois-Indiana basketball rivalry turns deadly. (Mark Asquino, Washington) Charlotte's Tangled Web: Wilbur, naively following Charlotte's scheming advice, ends up as breakfast links. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville, Va.) Knocked Up in the Air: If George Clooney got you pregnant, would he still have to fire you? (Daniel Pollack-Pelzner, Portland, Ore., a First Offender) Braveheartbreak: The sad but true story of Atlanta baseball, September 2011. (Brian Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Das Booty Call: In this romantic comedy set in the waning days of WWII, a bunker-bound Adolf dials up Eva only to have their late-night tryst interrupted by a band of rowdy GIs. (Keith Waites, Frederick, Md.) Around the World in 300 Days: Phileas Fogg's plans are stymied when he has make a connection through O'Hare. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Throw Momma From the Hospital: When her insurance coverage runs out, the death panels take over. (Marcy Alvo, Annandale, Va.) School of Roctopussy: Jack Black teaches a classroom of kids the benefits of playing lead guitar. (J.D. Berry, Springfield) A Star Is Born Ultimatum: A man threatens to leave his wife if she makes him see one more Barbra Streisand movie. (David Kleinbard) Next week: Our Type o' Headline, or Har Copy ====================================================================== WEEK 944, published November 6, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 944 Is it just me, or ...? By Pat Myers, Updated: Friday, November 4, 6:55 AM "Is it just me, or do other D.C. commuters talk like a pirate when the Metrorail information sign flashes 'ARR'?" "Is it just me, or do others feel compelled to parody the song 'Moves Like Jagger' with cow references? Like 'I've got to moooooooooooove an udder'?" The above musings were posted on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook by Jeff Contompasis, who has blotted up 206 blots of Invite ink and was recently named Loser of the Year by his Loserly peers. Anyway, the immediate answer, of course, was: "It's just you, Jeff." Jeff didn't dispute that. Instead, he wrote to the Empress and suggested a contest. This week: Give us one or more "Is it just me" questions, as in the examples above. It doesn't have to be about something that really happened to you, but if it is, let the Empress know. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a mug for those who are dismayed by the actual tastefulness of our current Loser Mug ("My cup punneth over"): This one has a cartoon of lobsters crowded in a tank; one of them says, "Who farted?" Donated by Loser Kathy Fraeman. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 14; results published Dec. 4 (Dec. 2 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 944" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Chris Doyle; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Read and join the Facebook page at on.fb.me/invite-devotees. Report from Week 940, in which we asked you to change a Washington Post headline by one letter or by punctuation or spacing, and then supply "bank head" that expanded on that altered headline: The winner of the Inker Just ice for a terrorist Gitmo cooler diet gets colder (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2. Winner of the two-foot-long Gummi snake: Hangers headed to World Series Texas team's uniforms stolen en route to St. Louis (Jim Reagan, Herndon, Va.) 3. Tebow gets God as Denver's QB Born-again athlete persuades Almighty to sub for him in critical third-down situations ["gets nod"] (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.; Roy Ashley, Washington) 4. A smorgasmbord of oddities The epicure's guide to unusual aphrodisiacs (Roger Hammons, North Potomac, Md.) Bobble heads: honorable mentions Police investigate shooting dearth in Pr. George's County No gunfire reported for last two days (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) New airport scanners to identify phony IUDs Privacy activists outraged as TSA counters novel tactic to hide explosives ["phony IDs"] (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Anti-sluts bill advances Thousands of reality TV jobs at risk ["anti-slots"] (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) NRA cancels first 2 weeks of the season Liberals can breathe easier for a little while longer (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) Prince Harry Land in California At new theme park, you're always second in line ["Prince Harry lands.?.?."] (Dori Moura, Chico, Calif, a First Offender) What to eat after your ruin A dumpster-diving guide for the new economy ["after your run"] (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Some Dulles abuses old, unreliable TSA agrees to develop new ways to annoy passengers ["Dulles buses"] (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) The fruits of sandal in D.C. Local farmers' markets now sell homemade toe jam (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Mexican drag cartels reach into Belize 10 metric tons of man-size stiletto heels, feather boas smuggled along coast (Ernst Mayer, Cupertino, Calif., a First Offender) Copper heft widely reported Doughnut-heavy diet takes toll on D.C. police ["copper theft"] (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) GOP rebate in New Hampshire Special tax cuts for Republican candidates cause controversy ["debate"] (Samuel Aaron, Newton, Mass.) Local hoarding tsk forces aim to get sufferers the help they need Teams of trained finger-waggers visit cluttered homes (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Can electric cats actually save electricity? Scientist touts feline-rubbing as a low-cost energy source ["electric cars"] (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) Congress approves 3 traded Accords Used Hondas are part of limo-downsizing move [trade accords] (Jeff Loren, Manassas, Va.) Roasted feet salad Sophisticated dish complements blue cheese. ["beet salad"] (Jeremy Porto, Navarre, Fla., a First Offender) Eagles have their backs to the ball Coaches discover reason for team's poor play ["to the wall"] (Robert Gallagher, Charleston, S.C.) Coin is the GOP flavor of the month And this is news how? ["Cain is"] (Todd Carton, Silver Spring, Md.) Snuggled Libyan weapons flood into Egypt 'Happiness is a warm gun,' says Islamic Brotherhood leader (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) The best private bonk in North America Discreet service now available for visiting Brits ["private bank"] (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario) Nigerian accused of trying to blow up planet Justice Dept. denies engaging in prosecutorial overreach (Chris Doyle) Pest doesn't save lives, task force says Superhero status not approved for Grammar-Correcting-Man ["test doesn't save lives"] (Gary Crockett) Washington area office gleaners consider a strike Workers demandbetter grade of pens to pilfer ["office cleaners"] (Stephanie Weldon, Silver Spring) Many Israelis unhappy with Hams prisoner exchange 'What are we going to do with these?' ask both sides (Dixon Wragg) Florida governor sings death warrant Rick Scott shows off karaoke skills (Chris Doyle) Alien has $1.8 million in bank for Va. Senate race 'The truth about Area 51 tell you I will,' Tea Party favorite promises. (Jeff Brechlin) Company finds slip filled with silver CIA upstages FBI in new investigation of Leslie Johnson ["finds ship"] (Mike Gips) Woods in danger of missing 2nd straight nut Nordegren's lawyer negotiated extremely severe divorce terms ["2nd straight cut"] (Roy Ashley) NBA players ready for long battle with downers Extended lockout portends switch from steroids to depressants ["with owners"] (Chris Doyle) Still active after all those dears At age 85, Hugh Hefner carries on (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Check out, banking options WellsAmeriCitiChase buys up all remaining competitors (Jeff Loren) At Smithsonian Archive Fair, treasure from the slacks Experts appraise items found in dead relatives' pants pockets ["from the stacks"] (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Get answers to your questions about mental implants Help Big Brother help you (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) And last: Donate your czar: 100% tax deductible; free pick-up Empress gets request for used-up Style Invitational stuff (Beverley Sharp) Next week: They don't say, or Cite gags ====================================================================== WEEK 945, published November 13, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 945 Laugh-baked ideas By Pat Myers, Friday, November 11, 4:38 AM Okay, smart cookies: Send us humor we can eat. Well, photos of humor we can eat. Every weekend for almost 19 years, the Style Invitational — The Washington Post's weekly humor/wordplay contest — has brought readers smart, irreverent wit both highbrow and lowbrow, from haughty to potty. And this week, as the holiday baking season gets underway, we're hungering for more than the Invite's usual lists of puns and one-liners: We want something we can sink our teeth into. This week: Cleverly depict a person, event or phenomenon of the 21st century — real history as well as scenes from movies, books, videos, etc. — using edible materials, and send us a photo of your creation. All visible parts of your entry, except a backdrop and a base, must be made of something edible — and we mean people-edible, not your-destructive-dog-edible. (On the other hand, it doesn't have to be tasty; we're not eating your photo.) If you're using a piece of produce or a nut, you don't have to peel it. Your entry may be anything from a single decorated cookie to an elaborate gingerbread diorama. It can be of any size. You have to make the significant elements yourself; for example, you can buy a plain gingerbread man and decorate it as President Obama, but you can't use a Gingerbread Obama you got at the bakery. (While the foods you use don't have to be traditional winter-holiday items, don't use Peeps – save them for WP Magazine's popular springtime diorama contest.) You may not use Photoshop or other editing to materially change the appearance of your creation (rather than to fix lighting, etc.). And you can't enter something that's already been published online or in print. Send your photo by 11:59 p.m. Monday, Nov. 28 — we're extending our usual deadline past Thanksgiving weekend — as an attachment to an e-mail to , with "Week 945" in the subject line. Most likely it'll be your own photo that we print or publish online, so make sure that it's a high-resolution JPEG (200 dpi, 6 to 8 inches wide or tall)and that it makes your entry look its best. We are not accepting snail-mail photos for this contest. In your e-mail, include the following: ?No more than two photos as high-resolution JPEG attachments (200 dpi, 6 to 8 inches wide or tall). ?A clever title, if you have one. The Style Invitational is renowned for wordplay. ?A list of the materials you used for the various elements of your entry. Creative choices are a plus. ?Your real name(s) — no pseudonyms. The Invitational usually discourages entries sent jointly, but this week is an exception; feel free to have your family or friends contribute. We're extending the deadline till Nov. 28 so you can play around with this over the Thanksgiving weekend. ?The postal address of the first person you're crediting; the best phone number to reach you; and the best e-mail address to reach you. The Empress may have to talk to you about your photo. ?Anything else you'd like to include to convince us how goshdarn cool and clever your entry is (except, you know, bribes). ?The contest will be judged as usual by yours truly, the Empress of the Style Invitational. This time, however, the E will consult with staffers of The Post's Style and Food sections. Entries will be judged for humor, originality, craft and ingeniousness. You may submit as many individual entries as you like; send each entry on a separate e-mail with all the requested information. Winners will be announced and several of them pictured in the Dec. 18 Sunday Style section — and if we have something fabulous, we'll put it on the cover. (They'll probably be posted online Dec. 16.) The honorable mentions will appear online in a photo gallery. Entries must be submitted to losers@washpost.com by 11:59 Eastern time on Monday, Nov. 28. Include "Week 945" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. You should receive an auto-reply within an hour of your submission. If you don't get the auto-reply, please e-mail the Empress at myersp@washpost.com by the next morning, and she'll make sure your entry comes through. (The text of the auto-reply refers to regular Invitational contests; the rules listed here overrule anything on the auto-reply that contradicts them, such as an entry limit.) The prizes are primarily Fame and Glory — not available in stores! There are also these more tangible but monetarily worthless items, the regular Style Invitational prizes: The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. (Having an entry published in the Invite is called "getting ink," and the [oxy]moronic "Winning Loser" on the head bag refers to the community of Invitational regulars, the Losers, named after the coveted runner-up prizes.) Runners-up will receive the lusted-after Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. We usually have three runners-up but we may be more magnanimous this time, depending on the fabulousness of the entries. Honorable mentions will receive a colorful Style Invitational magnet designed by our cartoonist, Bob Staake: either the "Sunday Drivel" or the "Middle-Wit Champion." Contestants must be 13 or older to enter indivually. If you are younger than 13, please have a parent, guardian or teacher submit your entry along with you. Employees of The Washington Post or their immediate families are not eligible to enter. See the rules and guidelines for the Invitational in general (some rules on that list, such as an entry limit, are overruled by the rules above), as well as dozens of earlier contests, at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. If you have a question about the contest, you may e-mail the Empress at myersp@washpost.com — please include "Week 945" somewhere in the subject line so it will be read promptly. She'll get back to you within a day or two. Report from Week 941, in which we asked you to tell us some quotes that someone in particular (real or fictional, past or present) would NOT say: Among those too frequently submitted were "But enough about me," etc., for such modest figures as Donald Trump, Charlie Sheen, Oprah Winfrey and Alan Dershowitz; Christopher Hitchens saying, "God bless you." "Please, no photos!" for the reclusive Kardashians, Paris Hilton and the like. Donald Trump asking for a little off the top. And from James Bond: "Stirred." The winner of the Inker "Well, I'm no Einstein, but?.?.?." — Einstein (Larry Flynn, Greenbelt, Md.) 2. Winner of the Mr. Bill doll that seems to say "Oy, vey" instead of "Oh no": "Pass me the rock! I'm open in the low post!" – Danny DeVito (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) 3. "Keep it simple, stupid." — Rube Goldberg (Chetan Sabnis, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) 4 "Thx fr the gift! ;-)" — Miss Manners (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) Lowering their cites: honorable mentions "Love, love me do. You know I love you. I'll always be true?.?.?." — Bob Dylan (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) "Just call me B.O." — Barack Obama (David Garratt, Glenn Dale, Md.) "Give him a break — he's had a rough day." — Gen. George Patton (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) "Oh, well, there are plenty of other fish in the sea."— Ahab (Steven Seymour, Clarksburg, Md.) "I'm speechless!" – Fidel Castro (Rich Laska, Bartow, W.Va., a First Offender) "Remember: 999. That's 666 upside down." — Herman Cain (Fred Dawson, Beltsville, Md.) "Hey, watch me spray this whole jar of Cheez-It into my mouth!" — Michelle Obama (David Genser) "Hi! My name is Joe, and I'd love to have your vote." – Stalin (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery Ala.) "I play for the other team, Moneypenny." — James Bond (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) "I need to tell you: I'm seeing someone else." — Adam (Larry Flynn; Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) "Imagine all the people, sharing all the world." — Daniel Snyder (Jay Tingley, Vienna, Va., a First Offender) "Have you tried counting sheep? You'd be surprised how well it works." — Conrad Murray (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.) "That virago inveigled me." — Marion Barry (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" – Cicero (Nandini Lal, Bethesda, Md.) "I'm just gonna try my best and hope I don't embarrass myself." — Muhammad Ali (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.., a First Offender) "Ha! That's a good one — I've never realized my name sounded like that! — Albert Pujols (Richard Wong, Derwood, Md.) "Don't get me started." — Calvin Coolidge (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) "O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming" — Christina Aguilera (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) "If you want to know more about what I stand for, just Google my name." – Rick Santorum (Robert Schechter) "I did not have sex with that woman." — Hugh Hefner (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) "Get your cooties off me!" — Mother Teresa (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) "For quality assurance and training purposes, this call may be monitored or recorded." — Rupert Murdoch (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) "And they lived happily ever after" — Stephen King (Michele Uhler, Fort Washington, Md.) "Why, yes, I would like fries with that." — Julia Child (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) "Do these chaps come in size 6?" — Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Diane Carr, Arlington, a First Offender) "I would like to thank the Academy .?.?." — Keanu Reeves (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.) "Man, I could just kill for a steak right now." — Gandhi (Perry Beider, Silver Spring; Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) "Look at all these freakin' leaves! I'm gonna cut that darn thing down." — Joyce Kilmer (Beverley Sharp) "I'm of the opinion that those who question American hegemony are being either disingenuous or facetious." — Snooki (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) "Do these jeans make my butt look too big?" — Jennifer Lopez (Carole Long, Laurel, a First Offender; Mary Bernstein, Oak Park, Ill.) "Do these jeans make my butt look too big?" — John Wayne (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg) "This body is a temple." — Chris Christie (Dale Hample, Silver Spring, Md.; Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) "This is a pile of $#@$%#$! And you can quote me!" – Washington Post Executive Editor Marcus Brauchli (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.; Christopher Lamora) "I was a drum major for justice, peace, and righteousness." — Martin Luther King Jr. (Jay Cummings, Greenbelt, Md.; Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.; Ted Weitzman, Olney, Md.) "All the winning entries are way funnier than mine were — no wonder I didn't get ink this week." — Style Invitational contestant (Mae Scanlan, Washington) (Next week's revised title is by Chris Doyle; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart.) Next week: Singular Ideas, or Levity: The Solo Wit ====================================================================== WEEK 946, published November 20, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 946 Another round of Bierce By Pat Myers, Updated: Friday, November 18, 5:00 AM Bore: A person who talks when you want him to listen. (Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary," 1911) Singer-songwriter: Anyone who owns a guitar. (Frank Mullen III, The Style Invitational, 2002) Now in the public domain and available online in its entirety at bitly.com/biercedictionary, Ambrose Bierce's "Devil's Dictionary" is a marvelous showcase of the author's unceasingly cynical wit. One hundred years later, it's time to add some biting, or at least wry, definitions of our own, as the Greater Loser Community did in the same contest almost a decade ago (read the results here). This week: Write a clever definition of a word, name or multi-word term. (The definition should refer to the actual meaning of the word, rather than a misreading of it, such as "coffee — one who is coughed on"; that's a different contest.) Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fine gray T-shirt playing on the York (Peppermint Pattie) candy logo. Donated right off the back of Loser Dudley Thompson at this year's Flushies, the Losers' annual award "banquet." Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 28; results published Dec. 11 (Dec. 9 online) — just a three-week turnaround this week. No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 946" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Jeff Contompasis; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Drew Bennett. Still going on: Laugh-Baked Ideas: The Invitational's edible-art contest! The deadline is Nov. 28 to submit your clever gingerbread dioramas and other food-as-humor. See the contest rules here. Report from Week 942, in which we asked you to supply an idea for a Style Invitational contest that's so ridiculously restrictive, there would be only one good entry (yours). As predicted, this turned into a groaner-pun-fest — consider yourself warned. By the way, perhaps we're wrong about some of these proposed contests: Maybe there is a funnier answer out there in one of the categories below. Tell it to us and you'll win a magnet. The winner of the Inker A contest to come up with a name for an older-adult swim diaper. Winner: Deep Ends. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2. Winner of the deck of cards with various insects pictured on them: A contest to coin a term for the parents of your live-in lover: Sin-laws. (Mark Richardson, Washington) 3. A contest to title a bean casserole cookbook for church and synagogue dinners. Winner: Tooteronomy. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) 4. A contest to create lines that would have appeared under the Republican candidates' high school yearbook pictures: Winner: Rick Perry as Most Likely to Secede. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) One-hit unders: Honorable mentions A contest to find the best term for the havoc that can be wreaked from a toddler's car seat. Winner: Minivandalism. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A contest to name an upbeat sequel to "Les Miserables." Winner: "Less Miserables." (Cathy Lamaze, North Potomac, Md.) A contest to name the mucous-membrane inflammations suffered by France's Sun King. Winner: Louis Catarrhs. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) A contest to coin a term for yawning showily as a snide indication that someone is boring. Winner: Snarkolepsy. (Nandini Lal, Bethesda, Md.) A contest to name Siberia's answer to Hooters: Winner: Bodacious Tatars. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) A contest to come up with a term for a Redskins running back traded because he's lost a step. Winner: Portoise. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale, Md.) A contest to name a medical profession specializing in removing one's foot from one's mouth. Winner: Bidentistry. (David Garratt) A contest to name a magazine that features weird old people. Winner: AARPers Bizarre. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) A contest to name the parasite you might get from dining at an Italian restaurant: Pizzeria. (Barry Kistler, St. James, Md., a First Offender) A contest to change one letter in a national landmark and describe the result. Winner: Mount Tushmore: The 60-foot buttocks of four presidents. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) A contest to provide a name for the solicitation of Style Invitational contest ideas. Winner: Crudesourcing. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) And last: A contest to describe Style Invitational entrants' reaction to a contest requiring them to rearrange the letters A-C-P-R into a four-letter word printable in The Post: CARP. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Next week: Ask Backwards XXIX, or Ask Backwards XXX (as eagle-eyed Loser Jeff Contompasis noted) EDIBLE ART: DEADLINE NOV. 28! You still have another week to enter ====================================================================== WEEK 947, published November 27, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 947 Tour de Fours VIII By Pat Myers, Updated: Friday, November 25, 3:18 AM Volenta: Corn mush dish baked with mushrooms, cream and rodent. Lemonlemon: A fruit that's fresh-looking on the outside, but dry and shriveled when you open it up. El Nono: An unwelcome change in the weather. It's our eighth annual Tour de Fours neologism contest. And since the results will run Dec. 25: Come up with a new word or two-word term that includes the letter block N-O-E-L, in any order but with no other letters between them, and define it, as in the examples above. Someone else might come up with the same word you do, so it may well be the cleverest definition, or perhaps the funniest sentence used as an example, that earns the Invite ink. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Santa Dreidel, donated by Jolly Ecumenical Loser Russell Beland, featuring not only Reb Nicholas but also a reindeer, candy cane and decorated tree. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 5; results published Dec. 25 (Dec. 23 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 947" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Judy Blanchard; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Amanda Yanovitch. Report from Week 943, our perennial Ask Backwards contest, in which we gave the answers, you gave the questions: The winner of the Inker A. Dan Snyder's new dinghy. Q. On what sinking vessel do you not only rearrange the deck chairs, but then charge the passengers for their "improved" seats? (Danny Bravman, Chicago) 2. Winner of the book of Day of the Dead paper dolls: A. 141 characters. Q. Why did the governor's tweet ending with "my favorite sight, the desert sun on a red Arizona butte" embarrass her? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 3. A. The Easter Bunny but not the Tooth Fairy. Q. Who is innocent of trafficking in children's body parts? (Russ Taylor, Vienna, Va.) 4. A. 9-9-1,342. Q. What would be the four-year win-loss-tie record for Major League Soccer if it hadn't used penalty shootouts? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) A. Honorable mentions. Q. Which mentions are these? Not until after Thanksgiving: When would Rick Perry respond to a request for clemency for an execution scheduled for Nov. 1? (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Would you make me a giblet, cranberry and green bean sandwich? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) What did Miles Standish tell the Pilgrim men who wanted to attack the Indians? (Courtney Knauth, Washington) When is it considered odd to stick your hand up a turkey's butt? (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) What's the worst thing a guy could hear his wife say on New Year's Eve? (Bill Coffin, Silver Spring, Md.) 141 characters: What was the main benefit of the failed Twitter Platinum Plus? (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) What is Mitt Romney's character like? (David Genser) What is the furthest anyone has read in a "read this agreement before continuing installation"? (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) What's the length limit set for racehorse names by the Kyrgyzstan Jockey Club? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) How many characters were searching for an author before Pirandello's editor read his play? (Keith Waites, Frederick, Md.) Why is the play "Your Mama's Lost Weekend" such an expensive production? (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Ben & Jerry's next flavor: What is Kardashian Split? (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) What do you call the Stillers' shared-girlfriend-to-be? (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) What's the least imaginative idea for the name of Ben & Jerry's next flavor? (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) What is Heavenly#? (Judy Blanchard) The far corner of Michelle Obama's garden: What is fertile ground for White House leeks? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Barbara Turner) Where will Andrew Breitbart "find" marijuana plants in October 2012? (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Where did astute Secret Service agents find a partially hidden carton of Kools? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Where is the plant located that the president promised would see double-digit growth next spring? (Bill Smith, Reston) Dan Snyder's new dinghy: What does the Sultan of Brunei call the $70 million yacht Lady Anne? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 9-9-1,342: What was the mushroom-pepperoni-anchovy ratio that got Herman Cain fired from Godfather's Pizza? (Elliott Jaffa, Arlington, Va.) When the officer asked her to step out of the car and count back from 100, how did Lindsay Lohan respond? (John Ruml, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) What were the respective number of lives of Snowball, Ginger, and The Cat That Came Back? (Eric Fritz, Silver Spring, Md.) Is it true, Herr Schmidt, that you've read "Steppenwolf" 1,341 times? (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario) Only if you delete two words: When the president negotiates with Republicans, is his motto still "Yes we can"? (Gary Crockett) Mr. Lincoln, how about this ending? "And that government of the people, by the people, for the people with money shall not perish from the earth." (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Is there a mechanic available to check out my rack and pinion? (Judy Blanchard) What is "Only two words"? (Brian Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Will the Capitals return from the playoffs this season with bruises, Stanley Cup and hangovers? (Dean Hebert, Mechanicsville, Md.) The Easter Bunny but not the Tooth Fairy: Who says chocolate won't rot your teeth? (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Who's welcome at the Bachmann house? (Pam Sweeney) Twilight VII: In which movie does the 47-year-old Taylor Lautner not appear shirtless? (Rob Huffman; Pam Sweeney) What is the "Snow White" remake where the dwarfs eat the apple instead? (Bob DiPasquale, Round Rock, Tex.) On Visigoths' daily planners, what falls between "Suppertime VI" and "Ransack Rome VIII"? (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) A crumpet and marmalade party: If Rick Perry Republicans are the Tea Party, what are Mitt Romney Republicans? (Gary Crockett) Roman cavalry choirs: Who were the Horsemen of the A Cappella Lips? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Who have V songs in this week's Top XL? (Steve Glomb, Alexandria) Who performed with Bob Hope on his first USO tour? (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Next week: No, it's just you, or The Lonely hars club ====================================================================== WEEK 948, published December 4, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 948 Look back in Inker By Pat Myers, Published: December 1 If you failed to embarrass yourself over the past year with ink in one of our previous contests — or if you couldn't manage even that — here's another chance. This week: Enter any Style Invitational contest from Week 891 through Week 945 (except for Week 896, which was the same contest for the previous year). You can send multiple entries for a single contest, as long as you don't send more than 25 entries in all. You may refer to events that have occurred since the contest was published; for contests that ask you to use The Post from a certain day or week, use today's or this week's. (For the "Dead Letters" of Week 901, the poems should still be about people who died in 2010, not 2011; the Week 898 predictions should be about 2012.) Since there's so little space in the print paper, longer-form entries are likely to run only online. You can find links to all the contests at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational (note that there's a single link to a page of other links for Weeks 891-915, and that they're listed first). Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the book "Thank You for the Giant Sea Tortoise," a 1971 compilation of entries from the New York Magazine Competition, which the Style Invitational was created to "honor." The Empress was shocked, but not saddened, to discover that many of the entries were, well, lame-o (e.g., recast a movie: "Royal Wedding" with Alan King, Steve McQueen and Patty Duke). Donated by Terry Reimer. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 12; results published Jan. 1 (Dec. 30 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 948" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Chris Doyle; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Report from Week 944, in which we asked you to finish an "Is it just me .?.?." sentence. There were two basic categories of just-mes: the self-effacing entries saying, "I'm so pathetic/clueless/nerdy/weird" and those that served as an excuse for snarky observational humor. We got good entries in both categories. And many people wrote in: "Or is it just I?" Each of them wins a one-year subscription to Pedantic Monthly. The winner of the Inker Is it just me, or do you also think Texans must have had to sign a pledge to reinforce their stereotype when they're in public? (Neal Starkman, Seattle, a First Offender) 2. Winner of the lobster-tank fart-joke mug: Is it just me, or are more women becoming immune to charisma? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) 3. Is it just me, or does anyone else find it hypocritical that Certain Media Outlets won't cover third-party candidates who have zero chance of winning — but still continue to cover the Baltimore Orioles? (Gregory Koch, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) 4. Is it just me, or does anyone else think movie trailers should include the disclaimer "You have just seen all the best parts of this movie"? (Susan Geariety, Menifiee, Calif.) Is it just meh? Honorable mentions Is it just me, or do other people arrive early at the dentist just to catch up on Goofus & Gallant in the waiting room? (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) .?.?. or do other people like to have pretend cellphone conversations with their proctologists while on crowded elevators? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) .?.?. or is popcorn too loud for the movie theater? Shouldn't we be eating pudding at the movies instead? (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) .?.?. or do other people get excited passing through Yonkers, N.Y., and realizing it's the home of Consumer Reports? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) .?.?. or are all porn videos unnecessarily long? (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) .?.?. or do all Catholic kids growing up in Rhode Island think "INRI" is atop the crucifix only in that state's churches, and that, say, the ones in Pennsylvania say "INPA"? (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City, who wasn't set straight till age 12 or so) .?.?. or are caterpillars getting saltier? (Chuck Smith) .?.?. or does the voice on your GPS system appear barely able to contain an increasing rage as you continue to miss exit after exit? (Susan Geariety) .?.?. or do other listeners wonder why WAMU-FM keeps announcing that "the mind is Armenian"? (L. Suzanne Gordon, Takoma Park, Md., a First Offender) .?.?. or do other guys face the same direction when they use the toilet sitting down as they do when standing? (Kevin Dopart) .?.?. or do other women take an extra birth control pill every time they see that gushing mother of eight in the Giant supermarket ads? (Diana Todd, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) .?.?. or do you think Dave Barry would be a good name for a rock band? (Christopher Lamora) .?.?. who thinks "seafood" from lakes and rivers should be correctly labeled littoral-waters food? (Jeff Contompasis) .?.?. or are other goyim just as skilled in using Yiddish without sounding like some zaftig pesadich schmaltz? (Roy Ashley, Washington) .?.?. or do all the smiling animal skeletons at the museum know something about extinction that we don't? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) .?.?. or does Siri tell everyone to "just shut up for a change"? (Robert Schechter) .?.?. who thinks it would be way safer to put up signs saying "No Deer Crossing"? (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) .?.?. or does the coating on Hanukkah gelt taste kind of metallic? (David Genser) .?.?. or does everyone think that illustrations of peaches look like butts wearing green thongs? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) .?.?. or do other people think the previous 943 Style Invitational contests were better than this one? (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) .?.?. or do I sometimes get ink when I don't really deserve it? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Next week: Laugh-baked ideas, or Ha la carte ====================================================================== WEEK 949, published December 11, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 949 Analogies By Pat Myers, Updated: Friday, December 9, 2:31 AM Style Invitational is to Style as funny bone is to funny. (Leonard Greenberg, the Style Invitational, 1995) Greece is to the euro as Keith Moon was to hotel rooms. (Kevin Dopart, TopFive.com, 2011) Here's a contest that (in this form) the Invite hasn't done in 16 years, but one we saw recently on the humor Web site TopFive.com, where the Invitational's No. 1 ink-getter for the past five years popped up among the winners. We've had other analogy contests, but this one is in the classic old-SAT form. This week: Give us an analogy using "a is to b as x is to y." Here are the Week 133 results and the TopFive results. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two little bottles of oral magic: From Sylvia Betts of Canada, a pocket "Magic Life-Transforming Breathspray" that promises to make you "look and feel Canadian instantly" (it's peppermint-, not maple-flavored); and from Nan Reiner of the United States, "Really Positive Energy Breathspray" ("made with 'real' unicorn juice!") that "instantly heightens your inner magnetism." They're from the same company. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 19; results published Jan. 8 (Jan. 6 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 949" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. This week's contest was suggested by Jeff Contompasis. The revised title for next week is by Chris Doyle, just as it was last week when we accidentally ran it a week early; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Report from Week 946, in which we asked for cynical, or at least wryly funny, definitions of common words or terms, a la the 1911 "Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce: The winner of the Inker Hero: Someone who, in a crisis, exceeds our lowest expectations. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 2. Winner of the "Dork" T-shirt spoofing the York candy logo: Music: Songs you listened to in college. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3. Grammar: The rules of language as spoken by the generation immediately preceding one's own. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 4. Supercommittee: A committee designed by a committee. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Honorable mentions: Column filler. Standardized test: A precision tool for measuring how well one performs on standardized tests. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) Occupy: To take or fill up space without actually remembering why. (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) Heathen: Person who shares 0 to 99 percent of your religious views. (Alan Hochbaum, Marietta, Ga.) Baby grand: A bulky black and white object that evolves from a musical instrument into a pedestal for children's photos. (Yuki Henninger, Vienna, Va.) Lifestyle: The sum of the things that distract us from the fact that we're going to die someday. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Independent: A voter who likes to let people he doesn't trust narrow down his choices for him. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) New Hampshire primary: Whack weeder. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Hajj: It's Saudi duty time. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Banker: A gambler who preaches thrift. (Dale Hample, Silver Spring) Like: A verbal comma unwittingly used by the grammatically challenged as a warning not to mate with them. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Butt: The sole body part that one fears might look too big in a given pair of trousers. (Robert Schechter) Walk-in closet: A place to store abundant amounts of "nothing to wear." (Yuki Henninger) Kardashian: Someone who wouldn't be caught dead shopping at the Kardashian Kollection at Sears. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Victory: A military triumph granted by God to the side with the heaviest battalions. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Scrawny:Thinner than you. Arrogant: Smarter than you. Greedy: Richer than you. (Melissa Balmain) Plutocrat: Croesus manager. (John O'Byrne, Dublin, sent while on a cruise to the Azores) Freedom of religion: Freedom of my religion. (Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.) Just sayin': A phrase used by small-minded idiots who believe that they can make stupid, hateful comments without appearing to be small-minded idiots. Just sayin'. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Pound: What you can gain by eating one snack, or lose by skipping 100 snacks. (Gary Crockett) Presidential: Possessing the particular combination of qualities required to play a president on television. (Ash Carter, New York, a First Offender) Two-minute warning: Announcement made 15 minutes before the end of a football game. (Mel Loftus, Alexandria, Va.) Terps football fan: Someone who sees the glass as half empty or completely, bone-dry empty. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) Tithe: Prayola. (Kevin Dopart) Yard sale: A public airing of your past purchasing mistakes. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Foreign policy: Alienation-building. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale, Md.) Yoda: A supposedly super-intelligent creature who could not learn to speak proper English in 900 years. (Elden Carnahan) Kitchen shears: Perfectly weighted, precision-ground scissors used for cutting open bags of brownie mix. (Melissa Balmain) Tea party: An afternoon gathering of people who enjoy the refreshments being served but don't want to pay for them. (Chris Doyle) American: Someone who's certain of his place in the world but can't locate it on a map. (Kevin Dopart) Angst: White people's blues. (Tom Witte) Congress: A house divided that most of us can't stand. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Flat: The tax structure favored by those who believe it should match the shape of the Earth. (Gary Crockett) Gesundheit: German word meaning "Stay the heck away from me with that cold." (Robert Schechter) Guilt: Letting lies dog. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Cowardice: The "better depart" of valor. (Chris Doyle) Husband: A retired boyfriend. (Melissa Balmain) Scandal: What it's called when a celebrity gets caught doing something everybody else does. (Tom Witte) Newt: If he's elected, we're eft. (Chris Doyle) Scientology: FaitH that offErs a traiL to comPlete coMprehEnsion of one's PersonaL naturE And relationShip to the universeE. (Mike Gips, undisclosed location in Bethesda, Md.) Next week: Laugh-baked ideas, or Ha la carte ====================================================================== WEEK 950, published December 18, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 950 Da noiv! Show us some chutzpah. By Pat Myers, In his classic 1968 book "The Joys of Yiddish," Leo Rosten defined "chutzpah" as "gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, incredible 'guts,' presumption plus arrogance." As he often did in the book's definitions, Rosten included a joke as an example, further defining "chutzpah" as "that quality enshrined in a man who, having killed his mother and father, throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan." But these days the word isn't always used pejoratively; sometimes it's spoken with admiration for sheer gutsiness. This week, as Loser Jim Lubell suggests: Give us a humorous example of hypothetical (or true, but remember humorous) chutzpah, along the lines of Rosten's example above. It may be the quality of the writing, not just the idea, that determines what will get ink this time. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a lovely teeny-tiny music box that you have to keep cranking to make work. How Loserly is that? On top of that, it plays "If I Only Had a Brain." Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 26; results published Jan. 15 (Jan. 13 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 950" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Beverley Sharp; the headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart, who just can't win enough stuff. Report from Week 945: THE WINNER OF THE INKER "Bin Laden 2011: That's a Wrap" by Alethea Dopart and Kevin Dopart, Washington. An Osama Bin Laden burrito in a sea of blue tortilla chips. SECOND PLACE "Hard to Swallow: The GOP Field" by Alethea and Kevin Dopart, Washington. Featuring Prawn Paul, Herman Cane, Fig Newt, Mitt Rameny, M'shell Bokmann and Rick Pear-y. Notable among the materials: potato lecterns; "Bokmann's" head of bok choy and pasta-shell mouth; and Pear-y's eyebrows of, ahem, Nutella THIRD PLACE "MalloMars Rover: Search for S'more Data" by Abigail Fraeman, St. Louis. Abigail, a grad student at Washington University, is a scientist on NASA's Mars rover missions, and here she applies her technical expertise to a vehicle made with a graham cracker body; Famous Amos wheels; antennas and instruments of pretzels and marshmallows; Hershey-bar solar panels; on a surface of, duh, Mallomars. FOURTH PLACE "Bean Weingarten" by Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va., based on an idea by Valerie and Annie Dykstra, his wife and daughter. Certainly the most impressively executed of this array of (dis)gustatory art, this leguminous mosaic rates as Invite material because only a true Loser would work for 23 hours to depict Gene Weingarten — The Post's humor columnist and the founder of the Style Invitational — in 5,000 pieces of six varieties of flatulence-generating plant matter The Motley Food: HONORABLE MENTION "The Bug Apple: New York Hotel Room," by Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.The 276-time Loser depicts the hospitality industry's critterly scourge with coffee-bean bedbugs atop a lasagna-noodle bedspread and mattress. Taking coffee in bed will never seem the same. "Meatless Weiner," by Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.: A tortilla-wrapped leek tweets his junk from the House gym with a baker's-chocolate phone. "Irene: I Scream," by Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va. Pretzel utility poles and icing power lines are no match for dangerously falling broccoli in a hurricane. Fortunately, the graham cracker house proves an unlikely survivor — something for the almond-slice screamer inside to Munch on. "Homage to Steve," by Deb Dawkins, Denton, Md., a First Offender. Baked using a 250-year-old recipe with chocolate and royal icing. "Eminems," by Craig Dykstra, Centreville. Craig painstakingly assembled this portrait from about 2,800 mini-M&Ms. "And yes, I did turn all of them M side up — thanks for noticing." "Occupy Wall(nut) Street," by Jeff and Saralinda Contompasis, Ashburn, Va. One of our few gingerbread entries, this one from a 219-time Style Invitational Loser and his 11-year-old daughter features walnut-windowed gingerbread buildings along with the gingerbread. bull at Bowling Green Park, and Gummi Bear protesters. "Honey, That Laser Rejuvenation Makes You Look 30 Days Younger!," by Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles. Dan captures the 21st-century L.A. zeitgeist via russet potato peels. Not exactly a work of intricate craftsmanship, but we laughed. "Y2Kernels: Seeing In the New Ear," by Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md., and Abigail Fraeman, St. Louis. Okay, it may be a bit corny, she admitted huskily, but you have to like the groaner pun — not to mention the little naked baby corn — submitted by longtime Loser Kathy and her daughter Abigail. Next week: Tour de Fours VIII: Noelogisms, or LO EN Behold ====================================================================== WEEK 951, published December 25, 2011 The Style Invitational Week 951 Double over with laughter By Pat Myers, Fast fast: Sacrificing the midmorning snack break. Also known as Yom Zippur. Bus buss: For those who couldn't leave it at the Kiss-and-Ride. Ultra-Loser Kevin Dopart, who suggested this contest, called it "Reduplicatives." It's pretty clear: Double a word, or use a word and its homophone, to make a phrase, and define it, as in the examples of both types above. If you want to make a triple (or, who knows, more) go for it. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — in solemn commemoration of the recent death of a global dignitary — the Dear Leader Tongue Scraper, which is your basic dental-device tongue scraper except that the cardboard packaging features a painting of said scraper being held by Kim Jong Il as he cavorts on a beach with three young ladies in leotards. Donated by Nan Reiner. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 3; results published Jan. 22 (Jan. 20 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 951" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at Washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by both Beverley Sharp and Chris Doyle; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Elden Carnahan. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 947, our annual "Tour de Fours" contest, in which we asked for neologisms including the four-letter block N-O-E-L, in any order but without any other letters between them: The winner of the Inker Groucholenses: How to look at the world through nose-covered glasses. (Eric Fritz, Silver Spring, Md.) 2. Winner of the Santa Dreidel and some stocking coal: iPhonelecher: A tweet-stalking guy. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3. None-liners: Sight gags. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 4. Leno jay: A nocturnal bird that lays an egg every night at 11:35. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Fours on the floor: Honorable mentions Noelevator: How Santa gets back up the chimney. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Canoe Lips: What other kids used to call Mick Jagger and Steve Tyler. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale, Md.) Peonlover: What the other billionaires call Warren Buffett. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) Ole Nam River: Mekong Delta blues. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Faileontology: B-school case studies on New Coke, Betamax and Edsel. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Danglenosen: German for "You need a tissue." (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Coloneye: James Bond flick where the villain gets it in the end. (Dion Black, Washington) Neoleisured: Euphemism for laid off. (Betsy Curtler, Manakin-Sabor, Va., a First Offender) Kalenog: Worst holiday drink ever. (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.) Non-Elvis: One of about three people in all of Las Vegas. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington, Va.) Wifelong friends: The pals who stop seeing you after the divorce. (Larry Flynn, Greenbelt, Md.) Lenoleum: A flat product that endures long after it's gone out of style. (Jon Spell, Orem, Utah) Lenopause: Stage of life when one thinks "The Tonight Show" is cutting-edge humor. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Phonely: What you are when your best friend is named Siri. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Hemidemiseminole: Dubious applicant for Florida casino profits. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Felonthropic: What Robin Hood was. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Elno: The Muppet who'll be danged if he's going to let your grabby little kid tickle him. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.; Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) Coenlite: The Farrelly Brothers. (John McCooey) Psalmnolence: Dwelling in the Land of Nod during the sermon. (Chris Doyle) Enolagay: The bomb you drop about your sexual orientation. (Anne Kinney, Charlottesville, Va.; Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.) Lonesta: A pill to help the promiscuous sleep by themselves. (Roger Hammons, North Potomac, Md.) Coloneer: A proctologist. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Meloncholy: Disappointment with one's implants. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Meloncoli: Suffering caused by contaminated fruit. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville, Md.) Grassy 'Nole: Obscure theory that JFK was shot by a Florida State alum high on marijuana. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) Beano elocution: An enduring form of guy talk. (Larry Flynn) Mole'n'rouge: A flapper's makeup set. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Menlo Spark: A blinding flash of inspiration, following many hours of perspiration. (Jeff Contompasis) El Nono: The ill wind that blows no one any good. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Unelope: Run off to get divorced. (Nancy Israel, Bethesda, Md.) Stylenoob: A First Offender. (Chris Doyle) Sulkenlosers: Entrants who aren't in this list. (Mae Scanlan) Next week: Look back in Inker, or Har we go again ====================================================================== WEEK 952, published January 1, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 952 Dead Letters By Pat Myers, Osama bin Laden has passed away, been taken by his Lord, Shuffled off this mortal coil, fallen on his sword, Moved to otherworldly realms .?.?. Wait, this doesn't work. Niceties need not apply! He's dead — good riddance, jerk. With the happy New Year, we pause a moment in solemn reflection on those whose lives were lost last year, and then we turn to the Style Invitational so we can write funny verses about them. In our ninth annual Dead Letters contest: Write a humorous poem about someone who died in 2011, as in the example above by Washington Post Poet in Residence (though some among the unenlightened think of him as the Po' Wit in Residence) Gene Weingarten. It doesn't have to rhyme, but it should be amusing. Short verses are more likely to get ink in the print paper, but the best longer poems will be published in the online Invite. Song parodies are permitted. You can find lists of "notable deaths 2011," etc., online. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a teeny-tiny electronic device called the Annoy-a-tron. You stash it somewhere and turn it on, and it emits a short beep .?.?. every few minutes. Donated by Loser Kevin Dopart, who annoys us every, well, less often than that. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 9; results published Jan. 29 (Jan. 27 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 952" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Dixon Wragg; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Chris Doyle. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 948, in which you were invited to enter any of the previous year's Invitational contests, with possible updating of the subject matter. A number of space-consuming entries appear in the online Invite at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The winner of the Inker For Week 927, Burma Shave-style highway signs: Pi k a targ t Lo d our g n; Us? our bu lets, Ha e som fu?. W nch ster. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) 2. Winner of the book of entries from old New York Magazine Competitions: For Week 898, predictions for next year (for this week's contest, we used 2012): Oct. 4, 2012: In a feeble "Wag the Dog" attempt, Obama invades Uzbeki-beki-bekistan. (David Genser, Poway, Calif. 3. From Week 910, slightly alter an ad slogan to be used for someone else: Redskins quarterback Rex Grossman: Takes a sacking and keeps on lacking. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) 4. Week 893, 25-word stories: "I have some distressing news," said Dr. Stone. "During your last exam, I found a lump in your breast." Sally frowned. "But .?.?. you're my dentist." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) With further redo: Honorable mentions Week 945, edible art: "The M&Mpress," a re-creation of Bob Staake's cartoon in 3,100 M&M's in seven colors. (Craig Dykstra) Week 896, if one company ran another: If Victoria's Secret ran Starbucks, you'd be served by bra-istas. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington, Va.) Week 898, predictions for next year: April 20, 2012: After 72 days as a Wizard, a shamefaced Kris Humphries tries to annul his contract. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) — Oct. 21, 2012: The world ends after Harold Camping dismisses the Mayan doomsday prophecy as a "fearmongering tactic to scam innocent people out of their hard-earned money." (Brian Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Week 899, backward crossword: TOETOTOE: Way better than sleeping nose to toe. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Week 900, "Dear Blank" letters: Dear Jimi: I like you, but I don't like you that way. — Sincerely, The Sky (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) — Dear Rick Santorum: Dude, have you actually read my book? — Sincerely, Jesus (David Genser) — Dear Keith Richards: Just thinking about the old days and thought I'd drop you a line. Miss you, man! -- Fondly, Drugs (Rob Huffman) Week 902, put a positive sping on a bad-news headline: Original: Iran says it downed U.S. stealth drone; Pentagon acknowledges aircraft downing Spun: U.S. spy technology kept out of North Korea's hands (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) Week 904, move a letter from the beginning of a word to the end: Ubarf: The result of a terribly botched recipe. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) — Curvys: Hallucinations of shapely women that appeared to sailors suffering a vitamin deficiency. (Roy Ashley, Washington) — Harecroppers: Rabbit's-foot farmers. (Kevin Dopart) Week 906, slogan for the new Loser Mug: Now with free chipping! (Craig Dykstra) Week 910, slightly alter an ad slogan for another use: American Standard: Plop plop, whizz whizz, oh, what a relief it is .?.?. (Larry Gray) Penn State: Reach out and touch someone's .?.?. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Week 912, a two-word phrase in which one word appears in the other word: Basement basemen: The Orioles' infield. (Larry Gray) — Yahoo! Ah! When your e-mail finally loads. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Week 913, move a letter from the end of a word to the beginning: Xinbo: A martial art that enables one to handle an onslaught of tens, hundreds, even thousands of intruders at once. (Tom Witte) Week 916, make up a "bank head" to follow an actual Post headline: Post headline: Happy to take fight on the road Bank head: Misnamed dwarf seeks vengeance on evil queen (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Post: Terrapin women capture 11th straight Bank: Another heterosexual detained by College Park paramilitary unit (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Week 917, current-events haiku: Skins Game Weekly, meekly, they Gently lift fresh defeat from Victory's frail jaws. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Week 918, "grandfoals" from the horse-"breeding" contest of Week 914: Moaner Lisa x Extra Fifty = Screamer Lisa (Jeff Loren, Manassas) Week 919, neologisms based on 13-letter terms: Cashingtonian: A lobbyist. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) — Wishingtonian: A Redskins fan. (Craig Dykstra) — Nothing but het: A totally straight basketball team. (Steven Alan Honley, Washington) Week 921, "Little Willie" verses: Willie, chef extraordinaire, Cooked his little sister Claire. Mom and Daddy hardly missed her: "Be a dear and serve your sister." (Matt Monitto) The day Willie choked on a hamburger bun, He died and his father cried out, "Oh, my son! I'll miss you forever!" With tears in his eyes, He added, "You mind if I finish those fries?" (Robert Schechter) Week 924, false historical trivia: The pet-rock industry collapsed in 1981 after dozens of "pebble mills" were shut down because of mineral abuse. (Larry Gray) Week 928, use a movie title as the answer to a question: A. Saw. Q. How does a Maine lumberjack feel after a hard day's work? (Jeff Contompasis) Week 932, Your Mama jokes: Your Mama's so fat she can occupy Wall Street all by herself. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Week 936, alter a foreign-language phrase: Caveat preemptor: Do it to them before they do it to you. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) — Me plus ultra: Donald Trump's epitaph. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Week 939, combine two movie titles: "Faust Times at Ridgemont High": A student sells his soul to have Van Halen play at his birthday party. (Dean Hebert, Mechanicsville, Md.) — "The Color Purple Rose of Cairo": At last, Woody Allen makes a movie with black people in it. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) Week 940, change a headline by one letter and add a bank head: Is your phone spaying on you? Researchers warn against leaving mobile devices in hip pockets (Elden Carnahan) Week 943, write a question for any of a list of "answers": A. Roman cavalry choirs. Q. Who sings on the "Gleediator" soundtrack? (Steven Alan Honley) Week 932, Limericks featuring "e"- words: In my garden while chasing a mole, I Stuck my arm down a rather deep hole – I Suspect what I hit Was a pile of poo: Now I gotta get checked for e-coli. (Craig Dykstra) From the Pentagon, memos have spewed: "B.R.A.C. plans must be pursued!" But for those who must drive On I-395, By their edifice complex, you're screwed. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) Week 938, supply three new lines to follow the first two of a 19th-century limerick by Edward Lear: There was an Old Person of Tring, Who embellished his nose with a ring, Then with nothing to lose, Got two backside tattoos And wound up with his butt in a sling. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) There was an Old Man of Vesuvius, Who studied the works of Vitruvius, Yet ignored the volcano: "It's dormant and, hey, no One knows just how dangerous UV is!" (Chris Doyle) Week 922, "Star-Spangled Banner" parodies: O say, can you see, o'er the sea to our right How the euro's imploding while leadership flounders? Doesn't matter to us, we've no dog in that fight For we've always been true to the words of our founders. Socialism we hate! This is no nanny state!(And our payments to China are not all that late...) In any fiscal crisis, a brilliant plan we'll surely mold, We've got Congress on the case... (gulp) Sell the dollar! Buy gold! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Week 922 and also Week 929, TV theme songs: Oh my God, can you hear on the TV at 9, Tons of people deceived that their voices are magic. When they belt out each note, all my cats start to whine, For they're butchering tunes: an offense mighty tragic. And their tone's out of sync; talk me down from the brink! Too bad there's no Simon to tell them they stink. "American Idol": That whole show is wrong; I'll put Justin Bieber on if I want a bad song. (Matt Monitto) Week 929, TV theme songs: "The Bachelorette" (to the tune of : "Anything Goes"; start the audio clip at 0:37) In olden days you dated as you aged Then fell in love, became engaged. Now no sweat- There's Bachelorette. All 25 stud muffins hot to trot, Striving for roses — that's the plot, No kismet — Just "Bachelorette." Each muscle-bound guy is tan, Looking like Tarzan, Quite the Dapper Dan, With a love-nest plan, Looking so deadpan as he attempts to can Any guy who's a threat. So if you're looking for one gal who's dumb, And dialogue that makes you numb, Don't forget " The Bachelorette." (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Next week: Putting the SAT in satire or Connect the dolts ====================================================================== WEEK 953, published January 8, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 953 Clue Us In By Pat Myers It's another of our backward-crosswords: We give you the filled-in grid to a puzzle that's already run in The Post — this one's by Bob Klahn of the CrosSynergy syndicate — and you come up with creative, funny clues for the words and multi-word terms in the grid. We left the numbers out so we could make the letters bigger in the print paper; you don't need them, anyway. (Here's a link to this week's printable grid.) Our usual limit of 25 entries per person remains in effect. The clues should be very brief but don't have to be quite as short as required for a real crossword. Here's a link to the results of the last backward crossword we did. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a double prize of two sets of playing cards: from Jeff Contompasis, Tupac cards featuring photos of "one of the best-selling hip-hop artist of all time," and — all the way from England courtesy of Ann Martin — Plop Trumps, "50 stunning photos of poo like you've never seen before." (See the photo below of one of the less gross cards in the poop deck.) Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 17; results published Feb. 5 (Feb. 3 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 953" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Tom Witte; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Gary Crockett. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook. Report from Week 949, in which we asked for analogies in the "A is to B as C is to D" form: Not too surprisingly, we got a lot of entries about the presidential candidates. The winner of the Inker Joe Biden is to Dick Cheney as Igor is to Iago. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) 2. Winner of the "Magic Energy Breathspray" and "Really Positive Energy Breathspray": Washington is to Baltimore as an air kiss is to a hickey. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) 3. Justin Bieber is to music as Barney is to paleontology. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) 4. Middle age is to vanity as windshield is to bug. (Scott Poyer, Annapolis, Md.) As kissing is to sister: Honorable mentions Jon Stewart is to Bill O'Reilly as a whoopee cushion is to a fart. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) Euro is to Europe as screw is to screwup. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Demonstrator is to spring as dictator is to fall. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Snow is to beautiful as your street is to plowed. (Barr Weiner, Washington, a First Offender) "Team building" is to fun as "family holiday gathering" is to love. (Mairzy Salander, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) The justice system is to justice as doxy is to orthodoxy. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Bethesda drivers are to the rules of the road as the Shoe Bomber was to foot health. (Peter Jenkins) Canada is to the United States as a dialogue coach is to a porn actor. (Scott Weinstein, Montreal) Watching women's indoor volleyball is to watching women's beach volleyball as watching Irish dancing is to watching pole dancing. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) VDOT is to traffic as M.C. Escher is to architecture. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) The federal government is to Social Security as Cruella De Vil is to pet-sitting. (Craig Dykstra) Being a Redskins fan is to the Super Bowl as being Jewish is to Christmas. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Students are to frat parties as slugs are to beer. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) A man is to a woman as a multiple-choice test is to an essay exam. (Mardy Grothe, Southern Pines, N.C., a First Offender) Facebook is to book as cowpie is to pie. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) Beer is to beer bellies as muffins are to muffin tops. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Utah is to jazz as Los Angeles is to lakes. (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.) Holidays are to restful as family is to elsewhere. (Barr Weiner) Your mama's nose is to her face as the Washington Monument is to the District of Columbia. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Liberal Republican is to conservative Republican as Mitt Romney is to Mitt Romney. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) President Obama is to leadership as Barney Fife is to law enforcement. (Kirk Conover, Columbia, Md., a First Offender) Mitt Romney is to flip-flops as Herman Cain is to sneakers. (Steve Gorman, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) Mitt Romney is to $10,000 as Rick Perry is to one execution. (Gary Crockett) Hurricane is to Herman Cain as wind is to windbag. (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) Eye of newt is to gourmet cooking as mouth of Newt is to uplifting political discourse. (Paul Burnham) Tea Party is to serious political discourse as T-shirts are serious political discourse. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) White chocolate is to chocolate as rainbow trout is to a rainbow. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) The 112th Congress is to effective legislation as John Cage is to ad jingles. (Stephen Smith, Fairfax, Va.) Bankers are to investment strategy as lemmings are to travel plans. (Dale Hample, Silver Spring, Md.) Elin Nordegren with a golf club is to Tiger Woods as dozens of professionals with golf clubs are to Tiger Woods. (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.) Dan Snyder is to the Redskins as that statue of the little boy is to that fountain in Brussels. (Craig Dykstra) A leaf blower is to neighborhood tranquillity as "Deep Throat" is to family movie night. (Kevin Dopart) A hand on a Bible is to a politician's honesty as truck nuts are to a driver's virility. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Vegemite is to food as poison is to food. (Jeff Contompasis) [Watch this video!] Obama holding office is to Democrats as Lucy holding football is to Charlie Brown. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Newt Gingrich is to Mitt Romney as "Wig Trenching" is to "Mr. Minty Toe." (Craig Dykstra) Mormons having multiple wives is to Mitt Romney as Catholics having one wife is to Newt Gingrich. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Rick Santorum is to politics as santorum is to the English language. (Dixon Wragg) Michele Bachmann is to Sarah Palin as Farmer Barbie is to Lumberjack Barbie. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Fox News is to journalism as Donald Trump's hair is to hair. (Melissa Balmain) The Republican hopefuls are to hope for the Republic as Ritz and Lunchables are to lunch at the Ritz. (Larry Gray) Know-it-all is to contempt as pleonast is to opprobrium. (Scott Poyer) Date Lab is to Washington Post Magazine as bacon is to BLT. (Emily Cumberland, Washington, a First Offender) And Last: "The Thinker" is to the Inker as Edwin Newman is to Alfred E. Neuman. (Mike Gips, Bethesda) Next week: Of All the Nerve! or Gall Tales ====================================================================== WEEK 954, published January 15, 2012 Style Invitational Week 954: Bring on the 'fight' jokes; and some winning chutzpah By Pat Myers,January 13, 2012 *A woman frowned into the bedroom mirror. "Ugh," she said despondently to her husband, "I look so old, so fat, so ugly. Honey, I really need you to tell me something good about me."* *"Well," he answered agreeably, "your eyesight's darn near perfect."* *And then the fight started. . . It's an old joke, notes occasional Loser Bill Verkuilen of Minnesota. And jokes with the same tag line — basically, the genre incorporates dialogue featuring a cleverly cutting remark — are all over the Web. Your job, of course, is to top them with your own. This week: Tell us an original joke ending with "And then the fight started."* Stealing will prompt a very nasty fight. And keep them concise while still telling the joke entertainingly. (The example above is 43 words without the tag line.) Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two fine volumes: "Go to Hell ," which is a lighthearted book about various cultures' concepts of the underworld, but more notably a gift (now regifted) to Loser Tom Witte from his devoted son-in-law; and the fine volume "Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School ," courtesy of Cheryl Davis. The book demonstrates why Ben was such an early champion of free speech. *Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 23; results published Feb. 12 (Feb. 10 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 954" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational . The revised title for next week is by Kathy El-Assal; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Judy Blanchard. Join theStyle Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . *Report from Week 950*, in which we asked for examples of the Yiddish term "chutzpah" — basically astonishingly nervy gall — to match Leo Rosten's classic example of a man who murders his parents and then asks the court for mercy because he's an orphan. A number of people submitted incidents from their own lives; while we're sure they made the entrants' jaws drop at the time, our own mandible stayed fairly horizontal during the judging. *The winner of the Inker* Chutzpah is criticizing a part of the first lady's anatomy despite having "" no, being "" a far bigger one yourself. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *2.**Winner of the music box that plays "If I Only Had a Brain" (and, remember, "da noiv"): "Chutzpah" is the word Barack Obama wanted to use instead of "audacity" in the title of his book, but he didn't have the chutzpah. /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ *3.* Saying to the police officer, "Okay, I'll count backward by sevens drunk if you can do it sober." /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/ *4.*/A true one:/ When your neighbors down the street invite you to an open-house party and the pictures on the wall all have price tags. (I don't think they read the Invitational.) /(Roy Ashley, Washington)/ *Brazenets: Honorable mentions* Chutzpah is thinking that you're as smart as Newt Gingrich . . . thinks he is. /(John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)/ "Jesus, I'm grateful you raptured me and I wasn't left behind. But, you know, I had a hat. . . ." /(David Genser, Poway, Calif.)/ Claiming that God was on your side in a bowl game when you don't even know what college God went to. /(Neal Starkman, Seattle)/ Before starting a pyramid investment scheme, legally changing your name to Ponzi. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ "Tonight, in the fourth of my eight State of the Union addresses. . . ." /(David Genser)/ Driving to a NASCAR race in Darlington, S.C., in a truck with this on the bumper . /(Elden Carnahan) / On a first date, I always bring a set of luxury sheets, since whatever thread count she has is not likely to suit my skin. /(David Kleinbard, Jersey City) / Telling Your Mama jokes to your kid. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ When you give someone the shirt off your back and he asks you for the cuff links./(Robert Schechter) / The guy who won't use a condom with his mistress because he's Catholic. /(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)/ Another true one: Martin Stoner, 60, entered a Young Concert Artists music competition in New York but was rejected as too old. He sued for age discrimination, but then requested a new judge because the one he got, age 88, was "too old." /(Jon Spell, Orem, Utah)/ Chutzpah is writing "See you in September!" at the bottom of your Harvard application. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ One more true one: Chutzpah is telling a bunch of 6-foot-5 dudes who bench-press 500 pounds to wear skintight outfits with yellow and black zigzaggy patches on one side and red and white key thingies on the other. Plus matching hats and shoes. /(Nan Reiner)/ Pronouncing "chutzpah" with a ch- as in "chair," as Michele Bachmann famously did a few months ago, then insisting that's the proper American way to say it./(Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)/ /And Last:/ Murdering your parents, throwing yourself on the mercy of the court because you're an orphan, and then telling about it as an entry to the Style Invitational. /(Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.)/ *Next week: Say That Again, or Two Sense Worth* ====================================================================== WEEK 955, published January 22, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 955: Twits' Twist By Pat Myers, Friday, January 20, 5:15 AM Meteor remote: It lets a couch potato repel falling space junk without getting off his fat asteroid. Inspired by the word-pairing challenge of Week 951, whose results run this week, Loser Ann Martin suggests a variant: This week: Create a phrase by combining a word or phrase with an anagram of that word or phrase, and define or describe it, as in our artist Bob Staake's very Bobbian example above. The anagram of a single word may be a multi-word phrase, or vice versa. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a 2012 Talking Fortune Teller calendar — a large wall-hanger with two buttons that call forth various male and female predictions that are about as daring as a blue blazer and khaki pants at a D.C. budget hearing (e.g., "The odds are in your favor — if your intention is clear"). Donated by the Style section's Donna Peremes, who bought it but said it had started to "creep me out." Donna is easily creeped out, clearly. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 30; results published Feb. 19 (Feb. 17 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 955" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week was submitted by both Tom Witte and Dave Prevar; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 951, in which we asked you to pair a word with the same word (or the same spelling) or with a homophone — a differently spelled word that sounds the same — and define the resulting phrase. Because the Empress has absolute power niftily combined with Always Knowing What's Best, she decided also to allow a word to be "paired" with a multi-word phrase, and for two multi-word phrases. If you disapprove of the violators, please do not be amused by them. The winner of the Inker Fact shun faction: The Fox News Channel lineup. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) 2. Winner of the Dear Leader Tongue Scraper, picturing Kim Jong-Il on the package: Auntie-dote antidote: Spray to ward off smoochy relatives. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) 3. Caucasus caucuses: "Everyone who favor Oleg, line up in this corner over here. Everyone who favor other guys, line up in front of open pit." (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) 4. Ta-ta ta-ta: Breast reduction. (Dion Black, Washington) Nixed doubles: honorable mentions Airline err line: The lost-luggage counter. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman) Ark arc: A rainbow. (Jason Talbott, Pendleton, Ore., a First Offender) Awful offal:What sweetbreads look like the moment you realize they are neither sweet nor bread. (Nandini Lal, Bethesda, Md.) Aye eye: A come-hither look. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia; Kevin Dopart, Washington) Baskin-Robbins' Baskin' Robins:A failed ice cream flavor that tasted like warm feathers. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Boll Bowl: Football game where at halftime the crowd sings "Weevil weevil rock you!" (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Boring boring: Uninspired adult movies. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Bris squawk brisk walk: What many a new father has to do as soon as the ceremony is completed. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Bunga bunga: I tink you say in English "executive privilege." — S. Berlusconi (Roger Carignan, Guatemala City, a First Offender) Butte beaut: Montana Hannah. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Dip-thong diphthong: Yeow! That's a low bikini! (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) Does does: Gets carried away at the stag party. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington. Va.) Faux foe: The charmingly annoying co-star at the beginning of any romantic comedy. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Faux tow photo: Car insurance fraud. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Feted-fetid: The career trajectory of many a politician. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Fly fly: A really tiny zipper. (Ron Averyt, Severna Park, Md.) Gilt guilt: What the top 1 percent don't suffer from. (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) Hangover hang-over: Traditional position at the porcelain throne. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Jerk in jerkin: Unavoidable sight at every Renaissance festival. (Kevin Dopart) Junk junk: To undergo sex reassignment surgery. (Brad Alexander) Kraft craft: The ancient art of turning cheese into plastic. (Stephen Gold) Leek leak: It refreshes, but lacks that fine bouquet of an asparagus whiz. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Minor miner: Newt Gingrich's plan to help Appalachian families out of poverty. (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.) Mitt mitt: The glove reluctantly selected from the dugout because all the others were missing, had huge holes, or were burned up. (Jon Hensley, Washington, a First Offender) Mount Mount: The highest point on Lovers' Lane. (Nick Laflamme, Austin) Moo muu: Muumuu. (Brian Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Putin pootin': For 10 years it didn't even smell. (Steve Offutt, Arlington, Va.) Stayed staid: Calvin Coolidge's most notable achievement. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Styx sticks: Oars. (Beverley Sharp) Staake Stack: A pile of cartoons in your bathroom, for reading and them, um, repurposing. (Bill Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.) Sundae Sunday:The Mama Cass song that never reached the charts. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) Tex texts techs: What a cowboy does when his iPod isn't working properly. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Toilet toylet: A fixture in Barbie's Dream House. (Barry Sackin, Murrieta, Ga., a First Offender) Toto toe tow: How to get Dorothy across the Field of Poppies. (Ann Martin) And Last: Verses versus verses: The Style Invitational limerick competitions. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) And Even Laster: Losing Loo Zing: New air-freshener prize for First Offenders. (Ann Martin) Next week: Dead Letters, or Hearsery Rhymes ====================================================================== WEEK 956, published January 29, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 956 Looking for a few bad scenarios By Pat Myers, You know it's going to be a bad cruise when you see that the captain has his own private lifeboat. You know it's going to be a bad hotel if they ask you if you want to wait for a no-bedbug room. You know your kid's going to have a bad day at school .?.?. You know it's going to be a bad speech .?.?. You know it's going to be a bad marriage .?.?. Loser bad-boy Larry Yungk suggests this week's contest: Finish any of the above "You know" phrases, as Larry does for the first two. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine calf-/goat-/lamb- alterer (not the term used on the box) — a hand tool that snaps a rubber band over a couple of parts of the baby-boy animal, where it's left until said parts eventually fall off. Found in a Vermont flea market by Loser 4 Ever Elden Carnahan, and donated to the Empress in the middle of a restaurant. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 6; results published Feb. 26 (Feb. 24 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 956" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Kevin Dopart; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Judy Blanchard. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 952, our annual contest for poems commemorating those who died in the previous year. The many hundreds of entries ranged from the obvious (bin Laden, Kim, Jobs) to the, well, less so (the creator of Doritos; a mummified horror actress). The winner of the Inker Kim Jong-Il Dear Leader, as your spirit flies Through North Korea's blessed skies, Your legacy pervades our nation: Coercion, nukes and mass starvation. As we, your marshaled millions, sing, To memories of you we cling, And cannot help but feel a thrill That now you're dead, and not just Il. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) 2. Winner of the Annoy-a-tron, a little box you hide that beeps every few minutes: "Jackass" daredevil Ryan Dunn: When it came to wild stunts, he was second to none— So who'd have predicted that Ryan M. Dunn Would die not by catapult, cannon or cougar, Or Russian roulette with a dung-coated Luger, Or by tying himself to a runaway moose, Or snorting ground glass off a lion's caboose, But by drinking and driving? How could he succumb To something so horribly, commonly dumb? (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 3. Without any help required, Jack Kevorkian expired. (Danny Bravman, Chicago) 4. Atheist essayist Christopher Hitchens said Mother Teresa was Far from a saint. But now that he's gone, The believers are smiling, For God is still with them And Christopher ain't. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Cold comfort: Honorable mentions Kim Jong-Il Though your afterlife prospects seem clear as a bell, Be comforted by this idea: Dear Leader need never be frightened of Hell, Having already seen North Korea. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) See two longer odes to Kim — including a song parody — near the bottom of this week's Invitational. Al-Kay-da, Al-Ky-da, Osama bin Laden has Met his demise at the End of a gun. So now he resides where it's Thermodynamically Quite a bit warmer than Pakistan's sun. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) See a four-stanza bin Laden poem at the end of this week's Invite. Al Facchiano, Miamian mobster, A fan of fine seafood like scampi and lobster, Now sleeps with the fishes, aghast that damnation's Each day getting snacked on by vengeful crustaceans. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Uncle Milton's Ant Farm creator Milton Levine Milton Levine has now danced the last dance, So bid a farewell to both Uncle and ants. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Moammar Gaddafi's stubborn fight Came to a bad finish, He was caught in a drainage pipe; His end was Mussolinish. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville, Md.) Steve Jobs Your gadgets made our hearts beat fast, Despite their lofty prices. But now that your brief life has passed, We're left to our own devices. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Your Apple was a gift to us--you've changed the way we interact; One click: we look up, chat or hook up, tweet or text, compose, redact. Because of you, we're all obsessed: an iPhone, iPod, iPad nation; Ever since the Fall of Man, the apple's been our worst temptation. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Jack Kevorkian Higgledy piggledy Jacob Kevorkian Fought for his principles, Reckless and blithe. Witness the death of the Octogenarian: Aided by only the Man with the scythe. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Elizabeth Taylor To "rest in peace," said Elizabeth T., "Is not my heart's desire. If Heaven is Heaven, Richard B. will set my soul on fire." (Rick Lempert, Arlington, Va.) Scuba inventor Christian J. Lambertson Diving tanks did you bequeath So we could see what lies beneath. With sharks we have a tete-a-tete (And hope that they've already et). But now — it doesn't quite seem fair — Your tank's the one that's out of air. (Beverley Sharp) Maria Schneider, co-star of "Last Tango in Paris" Before she passed, they heard her mutter: "That's why in English it's called 'butter.'?" (Phil Battey, Alexandria, Va.) Amy Winehouse Amy, in that raspy voice, Said, "Rehab? No, No, No!" But sometimes you don't have a choice: The Big Guy calls, you go. (Christopher Lamora) Amy Winehouse and Betty Ford Betty in Heaven is quietly smirking: "At last there's a rehab for Amy that's working." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Mad Libs inventor Leonard Stern Leonard Stern passed from here to hereafter; 'Twas his [noun] to amuse, not perturb. And he left us with [adjective] laughter; All in all, not a bad way to [verb]. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Arch West, creator of Doritos Your chips, though not healthy, can still make me smile, A full and content caballero. Here's hoping your next world will be Cool Ranch style, And not Fiery Habanero. (Gary Crockett) Horror-movie actress Yvette Vickers We'd long since forgotten her movies so rotten: (The one with the leeches was especially crummy.) Her films weren't iconic, but her death was ironic, For this maven of monsters was discovered a mummy. (Christopher Lamora) Superglue inventor Harry Coover Jr. In Harry Coover Jr.'s lab Was synthesized a tiny dab Of glue (cyanoacrylate) That could restore a broken plate, But not his heart, (oh, darn the luck); So underground, the doc's been stuck. (Jeff Contompasis. Ashburn, Va.) The actress Jane Russell, anatomically gifted, Died and (we hope) was to Heaven uplifted. She'll perform with the heavenly ladies and guys If only they have a robe in her size. (Louise Dodenhoff Hauser, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) For Whatumoana Paki, consort of the queen, The funeral's traditional, a festive tribal scene. The bier's adorned with wreaths that are beribboned, bright and flow'ry. Atop his coffin sits a skull — a true memento Maori. (Chris Doyle) Kim Jong-Il, the One Dear Leader: Could he have been of little peter? Why else sky-high platform shoes? Bouffant hair, expensive booze? "Look at me! I'm smarter, stronger! My missile stands up bigger, longer! Who cares if I'm 5-foot-2? I can drop my bomb on you!" (Jackie Binder, Charlottesville, Va., whose last Invite ink was a poem about Osama bin Laden, shortly after Sept. 11, 2001) Three breast-related deaths: Jane Russell; Echo Valley, absurdly buxom porn star; and Elliot Handler, co-creator of the Barbie doll For lovers of bosoms voluptuously cleft, This year's been immeasurably sad: Of Jane and then Echo the world was bereft, And let's not forget Barbie's dad. Our cups may have emptied before we had planned, But it's not our place to complain: We'll greet this triumvirate, linked hand-in-hand, While strolling down Mammary Lane. (Nan Reiner) To All North Koreans (Sung to Charlie Chaplin's "Smile") Cry, though your heart's not aching; Cry, even though you're faking; Make it look real, though you loathed Kim Jong-Il .?.?. Try to cry, or (I say with sorrow) You'll be in jail tomorrow, Gagging on kimchi that is not.?.?. so hot .?.?. So cry like you need consoling, Cry while the camera's rolling; Dredge up a tear for your Leader so Dear-- Weep and wail! Give your grief expression; Show how you love oppression! You'll find your life is spared, and why? Because you cry. (Beverley Sharp) Osama bin Laden The hiding-and-seeking was put to an end, Our thirst for revenge had been quenched. A decade-long run but it would not extend: Al-Qaeda's star player was benched. And times would be different for Mr. Obama; He thrived where George W. failed. His troops put an end to elusive Osama, The terrorist forces curtailed. The relief shared by millions would last through the years; At his hands no more people would die. More than Wall Street, Gaddafi, Japan, it appears, It's the story of MMXI. Yes, the year's almost over; it's now safe to state That no other event can exude Such a genuine interest in worldly aff— Wait! Did you hear Lindsay Lohan posed nude?! (Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.) Next week: Clue Us In, or Gridiot's Delight ====================================================================== WEEK 957, published February 5, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 957 Ups and downs with rhopalic sentences By Pat Myers, Thursday, February 2, 5:06 PM "He who hath smelt likely dealt this, too, eh?" A couple of years ago, in Week 848, we broadened your vocabulary — the Style Invitational, after all, is The Post's go-to source for intellectual edification — with a contest for rhopalic sentences: ones in which each word was one letter longer than the previous one. Four weeks later we turned the process around; that time, the successive words were shorter. Now, Loser Craig Dykstra suggests one more variation: Write a clever passage whose successive words are one letter longer until the middle of the passage, and then become one letter shorter, as in Craig's 2-3-4-5-6-5-4-3-2 example above — or vice versa. The passages may be of any length and may be more than one sentence. Compound words joined with hyphens may count as either one or multiple words. A contraction is one word; punctuation doesn't count as a letter. If the line has an even number of words, the two words in the middle will be of the same length; if it's an odd number, the longest/shortest word will be right in the middle. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine copy of Playboy — in braille — which the Library of Congress distributes. It is big and plain white, except for the name and bunny logo on the cover, and it's one that you do read for the articles — no braille pictures. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 13; results published March 4 (March 2 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 957" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Tom Witte; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev Report from Week 953, in which we printed this filled-in crossword grid, by Bob Klahn of the CrosSynergy syndicate, and asked for creative clues to the words and phrases: Some of the words are omitted below, while others get more than one definition. Just as for many challenging crosswords, you have to use mental flexibility to get some of the clues; for example, the clue for ISH requires you to read it as "I 'sh.'?" Some of the trickier clues below are explained in brackets, and some clues have links you can click on to put you on the right track. Bob's actual clues to this crossword included some very clever ones as well; see the list here. . The winner of the Inker ADA: Dyslexics Association of America (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) 2. Winner of the Tupac and animal-poo decks of cards: ACADEMY: Last word in the song "My Aca Lies Over the Ocean" (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) 3. WHATAMESS: GOP mantra — drop second "A" for Democrats' version (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) 4. GAY: Baby name not in the top 1,000 since 1969 (Robert Gallagher, Charleston, S.C.) Boxed out: Honorable mentions ACROSS ESPERANTO: Even Rosetta Stone won't claim you'll speak it like a native (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) COHAN: Solo double (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) WHATAMESS: A female whatam. (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Md.) ALITO: What a neon RIOLES sign needs (Nick Yokanovich, Arnold, Md., a First Offender)[A lit O] YARD: Having only three feet, this critter needs constant care (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) MALLE: Where to find Ye Olde Navy and Milord & Taylor (Kevin Dopart, Washington) NEE: An unfulfilled need (Jeff Contompasis) NEE: Identity thief's favorite word in your mom's obit (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) ATE: Common reaction to Cockney pub food (Barr Weiner, Washington) ODIE: Specialized tool for making Cheerios (Cathy Lamaze, North Potomac, Md.)[O-die] ODIE: 15th and final item on a bucket list. (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) [O. Die] ARTGUM: Holder of the Carney cuspids (Mae Scanlan, Washington) SOS: Italy's national slogan (Benjamin Yeager, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) SOS: Iron Man's exfoliation pad (Barbara Turner) SOS: Proposed currency to replace the euro (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) SOS: Conclusions about your old man (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) SURETY: Answers Cobb's question "Did you file my spikes nice and sharp?" (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) AUK: Texting shorthand for "Hey, are you all right?" (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.; Lee Giesecke, Annandale, Va., who last got Invite ink in 1994) ERIN: What Irish politicians will never admit to (John O'Byrne, Dublin) ERIN: Woman encouraged not to go braless (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) ERIN: Separates the wolves from the wolverines (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.)[wolvERINes] SUPPER: Friendly 'hood resident (Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.) BILE: Popular mouthwash on Capitol Hill (Barr Weiner) SELES: She made a racket using one (Barr Weiner) HOW: Word missing from campaign promises (Dave Prevar) FOG: Hazy recollection found in fogies (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) SUGARLOAF:A husband's fantasy honey-do list (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Carol Passar, Reston, Va; Cathy Lamaze) ANGLE: Director of "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Vowel" (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) DOWN ISH: One of my tasks as a librarian(Tom Murphy, Bowie, Md.) ONE: Can live as cheaply as one. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) ONE: Where simple folk may keep up with the Kardashians (Jeff Contompasis) SOL: Icarus's nemesis – and his eventual status (Mark Richardson, Washington) LOSANGELES: City with a highly deceptive name (Mark Asquino, Washington) THINASARAIL: Metro's margin of error in cold weather (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) REUTERS: Reverses a hysterectomy (David Garratt, Glenn Dale, Md.; Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) MONONGAHELA: Medical condition in which you have only one ngahela. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) MONONGAHELA: What they dance the hora to in Pittsburgh (Rob Cohen, Potomac; Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) ADIMEADOZEN: The going rate for a jury in Chicago. (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) RUMPROASTS: Celebrity banquets for J.Lo and Beyonce (Mike Gips, Bethesda; Pam Sweeney; Nan Reiner) EDBEGLEY: Ed Begley Jr.'s father's name (Ted Weitzman, Olney, Md.) EDBEGLEY: He's tall, green and handsome (Jonathan Latroy, Pasadena, Calif., a First Offender) SORTA: Mattress doubling as filing cabinet (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) FANS: What a big-leaguer will lack if he does this too often (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) NIL: What most of us remember from Latin class. (Beverley Sharp) ANA: What was missing from Neil Armstrong's quote (Jon Spell, Orem, Utah) Next week: Fight Call, or Tiff Competition ====================================================================== WEEK 958, published February 12, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 958 Do weller with wellerisms By Pat Myers, Published: February 9 "We'll have to rehearse that," said the undertaker as the coffin fell out of the car. "It was a night to remember," said John Bobbitt's ER surgeon. It's called a wellerism, after two witty characters named Weller in Dickens's "Pickwick Papers." It's a sentence that starts with a quote, often a short proverb, and goes on to include some sort of wordplay on something in the quote. Stuart Rogers of Toronto saw the first example above in a recent contest from A.Word.A.Day; he figured that the Invitational Losers might do better. Or weller. So, in honor of Dickens's bicentenary this month, let's give it a try. This, like the similar Tom Swifty genre, is a pretty easy contest to come up with something for; the trick is to make it novel, perhaps timely, and especially clever. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a trophy that's arguably even nicer: this little pewterish bucking horse whose hindquarters are on a spring; it's basically a bobblebutt. Donated by Such a Loser Craig Dykstra. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 13; results published March 4 (March 2 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 958" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Kevin Dopart; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Brad Alexander. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 954, in which we asked for jokes ending ".?.?. and then the fight started." Not all that surprisingly, only a few entries transcended the "Lockhorns"-type mean-spouse digs that the genre is known for. The winner of the Inker Mechanic: "Your car's engine is in bad shape. But it's kind of hard to explain." Customer: "Go ahead. I'm an engineer." Mechanic: "Well, lady. Basically Mr. Vroom Vroom is verrrry sick .?.?. And then the fight started .?.?. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) 2. Winner of the books "Go to Hell" and "Fart Proudly": Religious guy: "What will save this country is the Peace of God." Secular guy: No, no, we need a peace based on rational principles of self-preservation." And then .?.?. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) 3. Barack Obama: "I .?.?." And then the fight started. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) 4. "Turn right at the next corner," Siri said, but my car's navigation system interrupted and said, "Turn left." If Siri had eyeballs, she would have rolled them. "Dashboard lady," she said, "where did you get your maps? Did Vasco da Gama have a garage sale?" And then .?.?. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Joust kidding: Honorable mentions Watching schoolkids go by, a Southern Baptist groused to the man next to him, "I can't believe the clothes they allow children to wear." "And don't get me started on the swearing and blasphemy," the man replied. "Yup," seconded the Southern Baptist. "You'll never see my children involved in such sinful activity." "Mine, neither," replied the man enthusiastically, "Praise Allah." And then .?.?. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) I noticed that some people at the movie didn't see where the bad guy was hiding, so I helpfully swirled my laser pointer at the bush on the left .?.?. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Wife: "Just look at all these wrinkles! I'm so depressed! I want a facelift." Husband: "Wouldn't an iron be cheaper?" And then .?.?. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Woman, waving her diamond ring: "Look, I'm engaged!" Co-worker: "Well, if you let a guy ride the clutch enough times, he'll eventually get it right." .?.?. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Woman: "Ewww, what do people see in necrophilia?!" Husband: "I don't know, but I can relate." And then .?.?. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) "My shrink thinks I've hated my mother since the day I was born!" my wife informed me. "Hey, a lot of people started hating her that day," I said. .?.?. (Robert Schechter) "Do I still float your boat"? "If my boat were the Costa Concordia." .?.?. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) They're celebrating their fifth-anniversary at dinner. As they start on dessert, they suddenly say, simultaneously, "I have something important to tell you." Again they say simultaneously, " You go first." So, once more at the same time, they tell each other: "I just found out I'm pregnant." / "I just found out I'm sterile." .?.?. (Elizabeth Miller, Vienna, Va., a First Offender) The sign said it was a country music club, so I asked to hear some music from the country of Pakistan. .?.?. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) Next week: Twits' twist, or A sick crew's wisecracks ====================================================================== WEEK 959, published February 19, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 959 Out of Network By Pat Myers, Published: February 16 "Sesame Street" moves to CBN: Ernie and Bert can't appear in a bedroom together. Forty-two-time Loser Mike Gips, who's been on an Invite roll lately, suggests a little rechanneling: Move a current or former TV program (or type of programming) to a different network and explain what would change, as in the example above. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a nifty book called "Whose Hair," which consists of drawings of famous people's heads with the faces removed — so you have to guess who they are from the hair alone. (If you're not sure whose hair is pictured on the pages we link to here, look at the bottom of the results.) Donated by the faceless but not nameless Kevin Dopart. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 27; results published March 18 (March 16 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 959" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Beverley Sharp; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 955, in which we asked you to pair a word or short phrase with its anagram — the same letters rearranged — and define the resulting phrase: Many of you offered "Republican crab lineup" as a description of this year's GOP presidential candidates, and a "mother's thermos" as a warm-milk jug. The winner of the Inker New York wonkery: One thing they can't claim is superior to D.C.'s. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) 2. Winner of the Talking Fortune Teller Calendar : He-moron hormone: Testosterone. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3. Satellite radio salaried toilet: Howard Stern. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 4. Knits stink: What happens when heavy sweaters wear heavy sweaters. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.) Minor loons beneath: Honorable mentions The Democrats are here! Here come the rats, dear!: Pre-dinner-party comments overheard at the Carville-Matalin house (Gordon Cobb, Atlanta, a First Offender) Leadership dealership: One-stop shopping for all your public-official-buying needs. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Went Newt: Answered an embarrassing question by attacking the questioner. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Allergy gallery: The Museum of Natural Histamine. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Most inane Minnesota: Land of Michele Bachmann and Jesse Ventura (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Liberal ire ball: A Democratic convention. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Sexting gets nix: What Anthony Weiner learned the hard way. (Dave Coutts, Severna Park, Md.) Mitt Romney memory tint: Rose-colored historical fact-spinning. (Roger Stone, Gaithersburg, Md.) Pedestrian pedantries: What a walking encyclopedia spouts. (Chris Doyle) Flesh shelf: "Love handle" is a more charitable term. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Super Bowl bowel spur: Affliction caused by too many visits to the Seven-Layer Bean Dip tray. (Anne Paris, Arlington, Va.) Considerate desecration: Taking time to clean up the paint spills after spraying hate slogans on a house of worship. (Larry Gray) Tom Brady's tardy mobs: The Patriots' offensive line trying to protect its quarterback. (Mike Bergen, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) Rid-of-Al Florida: Election 2004. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) TSA SAT: Knife is to stab as cupcake is to .?.?. (Liza Recto, Lexington Park, Md., a First Offender) Democratic micro cadet: Michael Dukakis posing in that tank. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Blind-as-a-bat stab-and-bail: Congressional fiscal policy. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Has-been banshee: Roseanne Barr. (Larry Gray) "Sex and the City," Sixty 'n' cheated: Aging flirts get just deserts. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Shoe hose: What I need after playing 18 holes of golf in goose season. (Mairzy Salander, Arlington, Va.) Inconsistent non-scientist: Global-warming denier who buys flood insurance just in case. (Gary Crockett) Solicit colitis: "Would you like fries with that?" (Nancy Schwalb) Liberal braille: Read my pips: Mo' new taxes. (Jeff Contompasis) Hereto hetero: Just now coming out. (Chris Doyle) Purple Rain Urinal Prep: Specially developed for testing the royal wee. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Mean amen: "Damn right!" (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Thermos mothers: They insulate their children against any potential bit of trouble. (Carol Ostrow, Laurel, Md.) Open? Nope: What Marianne said to Newt. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) Republican presidential debate — Undateable, crippled inebriates: An unusually biased program description on the TV Guide channel. (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.) Reaganomics magic reason: How the 1 percent explain that giving them more money helps the economy. (Jason Russo) Yoda day-o: "Come the daylight, go home me want to." (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Colonist coin-slot: The cleavage that resulted when Yankees got too big for their breeches. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Sheesh, she's "he": The sudden realization that your date is a transvestite. (Chris Doyle) Faltered deflater: "Doctor, it's been more than four hours .?.?." (Denise Sudell, Cheverly, Md.) Constipation inaction post: Oversharing on Facebook. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) And Last: The Style Invitational ha to intestinal levity: Another poop joke gets ink. (John Holder, Charlotte) And Even Laster: Lunatic fringe fecal grin unit: Euphemism for Style Invitational Losers. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Next week: Give Us Some Bad Ideas, or Hints From Hell ====================================================================== WEEK 960, published February 26, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 960 Raving reviews for Amazon.com By Pat Myers, Friday, February 24, 1:11 AM ".?.?. Sip gently, slowly, or one is in danger of not only missing the subtleties of the milk's texture and its terroir. .?.?. Tuscan is best drunk young — I recommend pairing with freshly baked macadamia nut scones. Milk Expectorator gives this one a 92." The paean above to a jug of Tuscan brand whole milk, by Philip Tone, is an excerpt from one of more than 1,300 joke reviews of this particular product on Amazon.com, which lets just about any store advertise on its Web pages. (See the whole thing at amzn.to/invmilk.) And there are similarly hilarious "reviews" for many other everyday products. This week: Send us a creative "review" for any of the items below that are listed on Amazon. The reviews must not be unfair to the manufacturer and seller. Do NOT post the reviews directly to Amazon until we post the results online March 23 — if we see them there before then, we'll disqualify them. While the ones on Amazon often run several hundred words, we're looking for much shorter reviews; 75 words would be lengthy for us. Search on Amazon.com with the exact words below to find the product to "review." "World's best dish cloths" "Revlon compact emery boards" "Dual Duty Plus All-Purpose Thread 400 Yards-White" "Clipper-mate pocket comb 5" all fine teeth" "Morton Iodized Salt 26 oz" Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an excellent pair of owl-vomit boluses, donated by prize-donator extraordinaire Cheryl Davis. Owls swallow their prey without chewing it up (having no teeth) and so they spit out big balls of stuff from which you can extract all kinds of mouse and bird parts. Doing that is exactly like discovering diamonds in the ground. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 5; results published March 25 (March 23 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 960" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Brad Alexander; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . Report from Week 956, in which we asked for ways to know that you know it's a bad [any of five things we supplied; results for the fifth category, marriage, will appear next week]: The winner of the Inker You know it's going to be a bad speech when it's a little too obvious that the speaker is using the "imagine the audience naked" trick. (Noah Meyerson, Washington) 2. Winner of the genuine livestock-altering tool: You know it's going to be a bad hotel when it accepts frequent-passenger miles from Greyhound. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) 3. You know it's going to be a bad hotel when there's a "do not disturb" sign at the front desk. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) 4. You know your kid's going to have a bad day at school when the bully's mom texts you to ask if your son will be there today or should she pack a lunch. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Nixed signals: Honorable mentions YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD CRUISE .?.?. When the captain is heard shouting, "But there MUST be a reverse gear!" (Alasdhair Campbell, Austin, Tex., a First Offender) If the kitchen's motto is "So good you'll think it's airline food." (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) When the background music is a loop of "My Heart Will Go On." (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) When the captain says "Some new guests have joined us" and asks whether any passengers speak Somali. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) When the waiter suggests ordering the Clear Liquids. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) When they keep rearranging the deck chairs. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) When the "Enchanted Island" turns out to be Staten. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) When you hear the captain announce, "Ladies and gentlemen, if you look to the starboard side, you'll see the Bahamas 40 miles away. If you look to port, you'll see the lifeboat from which I'm speaking to you right now." (Shannara Johnson, Morrisville, Vt., a First Offender) When your fellow "Family Cruise" passengers turn out to be Tom, Katie, Suri, and a couple of hundred Scientologists. (Courtney Knauth, Washington) YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD HOTEL .?.?. When it advertises that the rooms aren't just clean, they're "forensically clean." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) When the pillowcases are imprinted, "This side out Mon-Wed-Fri." (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) When the bellhop meets you with a shopping cart. (Shoba Nayar, North Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) When the emergency evacuation instructions are pay-per-view. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) When the mattress tag says "Buy War Bonds." (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) When the strip across the toilet seat is police tape. (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg, Md.; David Genser) When the chocolate on your pillow has bite marks. (John Shea, Philadelphia) When you learn your accommodations are in, not on, McPherson Square. (Peter Siegwald, Arlington, Va.) When you walk in to check in, and you hear a drawling voice saying, "Well, looky here.?.?..." (Mike Gips) When the hooker offers a discount if you'll go to her place instead. (Jeff Hazle; Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) When you select Adult Entertainment on the TV, and you see live video of yourself naked on the bed. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) YOU KNOW YOUR KID'S GOING TO HAVE A BAD DAY AT SCHOOL.?.?. When he says, "Mom, I'm supposed to bring in some protection money, whatever that is." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) When the new school's lavatories are labeled "Crips" and "Bloods." (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) When he's an airplane buff and tells you that today his field trip will be to see Blue Plains. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Jeff Contompasis) When school bully mails him a pair of underpants with a handle sewn to the back. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield) When he forgets to change out of his Dora the Explorer PJs AND he has an algebra test. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase) When you catch him teaching the dog how to eat homework. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) When he splashes on extra cologne to impress his lab partner — and it's Bunsen burner day. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va. ) When he didn't do the homework due Dec. 21 because he thought the world would end. Either he's right or he gets detention. Either way, it's a bad day. (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.) YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD SPEECH .?.?. When it begins with "Webster's defines .?.?." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village; Mike Gips, Bethesda) When the speaker's first slide is titled "Background, Part 1 of 12: My Decision to Use PowerPoint." (David Genser) When the sign language interpreter starts leading the audience in "YMCA." (Rick Haynes) When the speaker reads aloud, "Pause briefly here and look into the audience with a sympathetic smile; nod vigorously; then continue with third bulleted item." (John Shea, Philadelphia) When the teleprompter won't even look the candidate in the eye. (Amanda Yanovitch) When the man delivering it is four feet tall and reading from a scroll and there are two legs sticking out of the farmhouse next to you. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) When it's Nuremberg, and it's 1938. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg) Some more honorable mentions next week, including "You know it's going to be a bad marriage .?.?." Next week: Fearful Symmetry, or Droller Coasters ====================================================================== WEEK 961, published March 4, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 961 The end of our rhops By Pat Myers, Friday, March 2, 1:38 AM "That can't swim very well, Joey!" The Empress did a contest for rhopalic sentences, in which each successive word was one letter longer. Then we did one in which each successive word was one letter shorter. Then — as you see in today's results — we asked for sentences whose words got longer till the middle and then shrank, as well as those that shrank and then grew. And so what's left: the anti-rhopalic, suggested by Loser Craig Dykstra: Write a funny passage or headline whose words all have the same number of letters, as in Bob Staake's not-so-ambitious example above (directions to Bob: "Write something cartoonable"). As in earlier contests, two words joined by a hyphen may serve as a single word or two words; for contractions such as "you're," just count the number of letters and ignore the punctuation. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — since although it's by no means required, the E has a feeling there might be a few political entries this week — matching little bags of "Democrap Donkey Dung" and "Repooplican Elephant Dung": "A little bag of political poop." They are actually chocolate-covered peanuts. Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 12; results published April 1 (!) (March 30 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 961" in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Chris Doyle; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Gary Crockett. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . Report from Week 957, in which we asked you to write sentences or other passages in which each successive word was longer until the middle and then shrank, or vice versa: We also include today the "You know it's going to be a bad marriage .?.?." jokes from Week 956. The winner of the Inker (10 letters to 3; 3 to 10) Douchiness checklist: spray-tan, Cartier, fedora, Lexus, vest, "bro." You make being nearby utterly horrible. — Larchmont bellyacher (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) 2. Winner of the no-pictures Braille copy of Playboy: (4 to 11 to 4) We've found unique pattern: renowned rock-'n'-roll guitarists continually medicating, carousing, imbibing alcohol = Twenty-Seven Club. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) 3. (1 to 7 to 1) "I do!" she said aloud. Highly dubious, clammy groom said low: "Do I?" (Doug Delorge, Biddeford, Maine, who last got ink in Week 13 — 1993) 4 (3 to 7; 7 to 3) "Now y'all might kindly respect Peyton's little bitty baby bro." — E. Manning, New . . York (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Very close. Cigar? Nope. Honorable mentions Paul, wacko. Romney, foppish. Gingrich, obnoxious. Santorum, atavist. Result? Obama wins. (Nan Reiner) We met that enemy. Sadly, Pogo, it's U.S. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Parties, chicks, booze, long nap, skip class, repeat: College. (Matt Monitto, Elon University Class of 2014) I'm sad. Dear sweet Cousin Whitney; Dionne's powers didn't ever see it. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) (Burp!) "Ocean cruise" spells "broad beam." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Sometimes "standing ovation" really means "grumpy patrons speedily departing." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Studying Tinman's rusted ankle, Toto looks guilty (besides relieved). (Kevin Dopart) Italian cruise ships head for sea; they often return upright. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md., a First Offender) Countdown: Nineteen, sixteen, twelve, eight, WAIT, HEY! six, STOP! .?.?. seven, eleven, fifteen, fourteen, seventeen .?.?. (Lee Giesecke, Annandale, Va.) Domestic harmony snooze alarm rule: Hit it one time; extra delays outrage bedmates. (Mark Richardson, Washington) Best broad policy: honesty. Marriage success: "Superb dress, dear." (Kevin Dopart) I'm fat! Love pizza, donuts, sundaes, potatoes, chocolate, enchiladas, SpaghettiOs, griddle-cakes, miscellaneous carbohydrates, sarsaparilla, gingerbread, milkshakes, deep-fried anything — perhaps Atkins' diet's best for me. (Louise Dodenhoff Hauser, Falls Church, Va.) I do not flip-flop. But . . . do I? (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) To Ron Paul, "Froth," Romney, Gingrich—political candidates endlessly screwing, praying, hating, aging—yeah, it's "no." (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) On the rise, fiery Weiner. Twitter disaster shrinks member. Folks joke. Rep.? No. (Ben Aronin, Arlington) M.I.A. raps, flips finger; Gisele flips; Pats MIA. (Mike Ostapiej, on assignment in Qatar) Woebegone Redskins. Wizards rotten. Ditto Caps. Yet fans' hopes spring eternal. Champion Nationals?! (Nan Reiner) Eliminate gratuitous verbosity. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Suck-up entry of the week (2 to 11 to 2): Is any life worth living without tackling whimsical conundrums, stimulating vocabulary, enigmatic wordplay? Empress grants these joys for us. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Anti-suck-up entry of the week (12 to 3 to 12): Experiencing symmetrical perfection requiring wordplay — Empress judges dimly with the IQ of ten, just count stupid letters watching carefully, performing statistical mindlessness. (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville, Md.) And Last: Oh, you need HUMOR inside winning rhopalic sentences? Doltishly counting letters exactly right won't cut it? (Amanda Yanovitch) From Week 956: You know it's going to be a bad marriage when.?.?. The minister asks if anyone objects to this marriage and God stands up. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Her wedding gown says, "I'm With Stupid." (Beverley Sharp) Someone calls you from Match.com and anxiously says, "I really hope we've reached you in time." (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) Her wedding dress reveals her tramp stamp. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Your fiance has a "Free Scott Peterson" bumper sticker. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Her matron of honor is Gloria Allred. (Mark Welch, Alexandria, Va.) The groom is about to place the ring on the bride's finger, and she grabs it saying, "I'll just do it myself." (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) When the groom insists that the minister read the prenuptial agreement aloud "just so there's no misunderstanding." (Roy Ashley, Washington) When your fiance wants to combine your honeymoon with a business trip to Gary, Indiana. (Kathy El-Assal, Middletown, Wis.) When her sister hates you, and she's her conjoined twin. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) When you spot the bride winking at the best man — and the priest. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Next week: All's Weller, or A Har Har Better Thing ====================================================================== WEEK 962, published March 11, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 962 Be a smart-ask By Pat Myers, "They also spent the most time in elite undergraduate and law school settings." (Washington Post, March 5, in an article about the current Supreme Court) Q. I've heard your lab rats are the healthiest, but why do you say they're the smartest on campus? Here's a contest we've run at least nine times already, but not for more than two years. It was requested by Biggest Loser Ever Russell Beland, who, incredibly, seems to have found life outside the Invite and hasn't had an entry published since his 1,505th blot of ink 30 weeks ago. This week: Take any sentence (or a major part of it) that appears in The Post or in an article on washingtonpost.com anytime from now through March 19 and supply a question it could answer. For stories and ads in the print Post, include the page number; for online articles, please copy part of the story or the URL of the page where you found the sentence. More guidelines for this contest appear in the Style Conversational, the Empress's weekly column about the new contest and results. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — directly from India, where it was picked up (gingerly) by Loser Beverley Sharp — a very pretty little blank-page journal of paper made with cow dung (it's very fibrous, evidently). We will accept snail-mail entries to the Invite only if they are on cow-dung paper. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 19; results published April 8 (online April 6). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 962" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Kevin Dopart; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Samuel Enriquez of Annapolis, Md., a First Offender. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 958, in which we asked for wellerisms, wordplays that take the form of a quotation followed by something that usually makes the reader see a different meaning in the quote: The winner of the Inker "God bless us every one!" said the president of the Allergic Rhinitis Society as the banquet began. (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.) 2. Winner of the little bobble-butt bucking horse: "Give me a ballpark figure," Greta said, asking the vendor for six hot dogs with the works. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 3. "No, I'm not free tonight!" responded the indignant prostitute. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Md.) 4. "Drop dead," ordered the pilot as the Ashes to Ashes plane flew lazy circles over the target zone. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) Well .?.?. er: Honorable mentions "Heads will roll," vowed the bulldozer operator before clearing a row of port-a-johns. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) "Well, it's a growth industry," said the oncologist. (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.) "Your paintings pass with flying colors," said the art show curator to Jackson Pollock. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) "Now I can retire in peace," said the old mechanic, admiring the new hydraulic lift in his home garage. (Andrew Ballard, London, a First Offender) "You can count on me for model behavior," my daughter said just before she put her fingers down her throat. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here!" roared the Devil as he raised his arm to reveal his fiery pit. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) "Tourists are never right," fumed the D.C. commuter who was blocked on a Metro escalator. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "There I was, at my wit's end," said Mrs. Robert Benchley after her husband expired. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) "Ctrl-Alt-Del!" the cowboy ordered the shoemaker. (Fazli Sameer, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, a First Offender) "Temper, temper!" Sir Gawain admonished the smith. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) "Don't forget your stub," said the Saudi Sharia Court parking lot attendant. (Kevin Dopart) "Your problem is monumental," said my Jamaican psychiatrist. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) "Here I am, at your service!" he said with a grin as he filed past his ex-wife's coffin. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) "That's a perverse payment system," complained the poet's agent to the publisher. (Jerry Deily, Charlottesville, Va., a First Offender) "I'm going postal," said Tipper, confiding her divorce plans. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) "You are dismissed," said the doctor after Chaz Bono's successful surgery. (Barbara Turner) "Not by the hair of my chin, chin, chin," said Gov. Chris Christie when asked whether he'd run for president. (Mark Wales, Washington, a First Offender) "The accident left her looking quite homely," said the Munchkin forensic investigator. (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) "This is untenable," sniffed the makeup artist as he worked on the Bo Derek wannabe. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) "All she does is yak," lamented the Sherpa about his wife's cooking. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) "I must deserve you," said the waitress as she transferred plates to the correct table. (Jeff Contompasis) "I feel so weak — I'm totally distressed," said Sampson. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.; Jeff Loren, Manassas, Va.) "We are reaching out or hands to brothers and sisters of every creed," proclaimed the TV evangelist, who eagerly accepted all denominations. (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) "Let us repair to the courthouse," said Richard Burton to Elizabeth Taylor in 1975. (Mae Scanlan) "Keeping geese has some painful aspects," mused the farmer, rubbing the seat of his pants. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) "A man is known by the company he keeps," said Ken Lay. (Jason Russo) "It appears I was distracted," complained the street preacher, as the thief made off with his pamphlets. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) "Don't get your panties in a wad," warns the opening line of the Victoria's Secret employee training manual. (Gary Crockett) "I'm looking for a sleeveless sweater," said Rick Santorum, right before he walked into the thumping confines of the dance club. (Chris Muldrow, Fredericksburg, Va., a First Offender) "I must remember to take everything out of the taxi driver's trunk," noted Jeffrey Dahmer. (Kevin Dopart) "I'm nonplussed!" screamed the young woman upon finding out she wasn't pregnant. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) "You gotta fly by the seat of your pants," said the instructor, noting that I had my jeans on backwards. (Gary Crockett) "We don't want that to recur," said the breeder after his pedigreed pooch mated with a mutt. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," said the man arrested for groping women on the subway. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) "Boy, I'm bored!" announced the shop teacher right after his drill mishap. (Jeff Contompasis) Next week: Out of Network, or Channel Crossings ====================================================================== WEEK 963, published March 18, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 963 The overlap dance By Pat Myers, Elton John Wayne: Star of "The Queen Berets." (Bob Staake) Roseanne Boleyn: Queen who kept talking after being beheaded. (David Genser) Tom Daschle Hammett: Author of "The Maltese Donkey." (Stephen Dudzik) If you're a fan of "Wheel of Fortune" or "Jeopardy!" you know this construction as Before & After — it's a portmanteau combining two names that have a common element. And if you're a pathetically obsessed Invitational fan, you'll remember the second and third examples above Week 287, in 1998 (though you don't have to have much memory to be familiar with their writers — they're still household names in the Invite). This week: Send us a Before & After "person" whose name combines two people's names, real or fictional (okay, you can use animals' names, too), and describe the person in a funny way. The central element doesn't have to be spelled exactly right in both names if the entry is otherwise fabulous (see the third example above; the author's name is Dashiell). But both people's names have to be present in the combination, even if misspelled. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the actual Wonder Woman get-up worn in the 2007 film "Loveless in Los Angeles," in which a struggling actress wears the costume on Hollywood Boulevard; a documentary on such people, "The Ambassadors of Hollywood" (also by Archie Gips, brother of Loser Mike Gips), screens at the Avalon in Northwest Washington on Sunday night. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 26; results published April 15 (online April 13). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 963" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Kevin Dopart; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Judy Blanchard. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 959, in which we asked you to move a TV program from one network to another and describe the result: The winner of the Inker "The Amazing Race" moves to Fox News and becomes a show that chronicles the many adversities white people have overcome throughout history. (Kurt Stahl, Frederick, Md.) 2. Winner of the book "Whose Hair," in which you guess same from pictures of faceless heads: If the Daytona 500 were on the Home Shopping Network, the race would be run in four easy monthly portions of 125 miles each. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) 3. Wizards games move to Comedy Central: Home games would now be filmed in front of a live audience. (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.) 4. "Antiques Roadshow" moves to MTV: The appraisers inspect relics from the 1990s. (Michael Weiner, North Potomac, Md., a First Offender) Ouch potatoes: Honorable mentions "The Colbert Report" to Fox News: The audience doesn't laugh anymore. (David Genser, Poway Calif.; Kevin Dopart, Washington) "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" moves to ESPN: A Texas baseball team uses a special serum and doubles its home run total. (Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.) "Mad Men" moves to HBO: Admen go crazy when they discover they are on a network without commercials. (Mike Ostapiej, on travel in Doha, Qatar) If "Toddlers and Tiaras" were on the Playboy Channel, it would be a training video. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) "Miss World" moves to Al-Jazeera English, which airs the first televised Burqini competition. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) "Flip This House" moves to MSNBC: Starring Nancy Pelosi, with John Boehner in a supporting role. Already scheduled to premiere Nov. 6. (David Genser) Move "Iron Chef" to Oxygen. Same as the old show, but the chef is a bit rusty. (Dion Black, Washington) "Deadwood" moves to CBS: "A [BLEEP] you [BLEEP] [BLEEP] the [BLEEP] my [BLEEP].?.?." (Mark Young, New York) "Downton Abbey" moves to the CW and the undead heir Patrick Crawley returns to battle Lady Sybil's vampire baby. (Kevin Dopart) "Downton Abbey" moves to UFC channel Fuel: Heir apparent Matthew "The Mauler" Crawley takes on ruthless newsman Richard "Killer" Carlisle in a no-holds-barred bout to see who will win the beautiful Mary, while noble valet John "Bonecrusher" Bates uses his gimpy leg for a surprising roundhouse kick against creepy footman Thomas. (Megan Durham, Reston, Va.) "Monday Night Football" moves to CBN: The Broncos are playing again? (David Koronet, Mount Airy, Md., a First Offender) C-SPAN congressional coverage moves to the Home Shopping Network: Lobbyists may now inspect and purchase politicians at fabulous savings without leaving home. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) "Sister Wives" moves to the USA Network: The blond wives are being murdered. Nobody knows that the killer is the brunette wife except anyone who has ever watched TV. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) "The Sopranos" moves to the Game Show Network: Tony and the gang are unbeatable on "Family Feud," with terrible things happening to their opponents each week. (Robert Schechter) "The Dukes of Hazzard" moves to Lifetime: The General Lee is replaced by a Prius, and Bo and Luke become chiseled, sensitive veterinarians who help Daisy battle corrupt fashion designer Embossed Hog. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "The Biggest Loser" on Animal Planet: Tragedy ensues when the carnivore contestants fail to understand that "vegetarian diet" does not include the herbivore contestants. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) Move "The Big Bang Theory" to CBN and rename it "The Big Bang Only-a-Theory." (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.; Barr Weiner, Washington) Porn on Home Shopping Network: "Remember, men, only the first 100 purchasers will appear in the Jenna Jameson video .?.?." (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Next week: Raving Reviews, or Product Endorkments ====================================================================== WEEK 964, published March 25, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 964 The Grossery Bag By Pat Myers, We're always trying to think of new ways to lose. Now we've decided to add to our choice of runner-up prizes — currently the coveted Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug — a featherweight but spacious (20-by-16-by-6-inch) non-woven polypropylene tote bag, that pseudo-fabric kind that's often used as reusable grocery bags or as totes for convention swag. We're going to order 100 of them. The Empress is especially jazzed about this plan because (a) she doesn't have to stock them in different sizes, like T-shirts; (b) she doesn't have to worry that they'll shatter in shipping, like mugs: and (c) they cost less than either of those options — The Post doesn't exactly have wads of money to toss around these days. What's the bag going to look like? That's where you come in: This week: Suggest a design and/or slogan to go on the side of the ardently desired Style Invitational Loser Bag; our big-whoop-artist-who-slums-for-the-Invite Bob Staake will do the actual artwork. We'll be including, for sure, the Washington Post logo, the words "Style Invitational" and our Web address; fortunately we have a nice big 12-by-8-inch space to work with. We can use two colors plus the color of the bag itself (which will depend on what design we use). The design will be on one side of the bag. It's fine if you just describe your design to us in words, but if you'd like to make a graphic depiction, you may include it as an attachment to your e-mail. This week, the winner may choose between the bag and the usual Inker, the Style Invitational trophy. All runners-up, however, each get one of these bags. Because how better to really lose — to get second, third or fourth place — than to get a prize plastered with the entry that beat you? Honorable mentions, as usual, get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 2; results published April 22 (online April 20). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 964" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next and the subhead for this week's honorable mentions are both by Mae Scalan. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 960, in which we invited you to write complimentary but goofy "reviews" for any of five household products sold through Amazon.com. The winner of the Inker "Coats & Clark Dual Duty Thread 400 Yards — White": As a Mormon Republican, I wear a lot of white shirts. And because I'm "just folks," when one of them gets a hole I never throw it out, or hand it to an assistant to fix, or have my personal tailor, Alessandro, weave me a new shirt immediately from the hair of an albino yak. Gosh, no. I mend it myself, using this humble thread and .?.?. some sort of thread-attaching device. By golly, I do. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 2. Winner of the pair of owl-vomit boluses: "Clipper-mate Pocket Comb 5" All Fine Teeth": O Sacred Tines! How rigid teeth delight To forge from chaos rows of ordered haire, Still plow the furrows, scourge of louse and mite, To render e'en the Gorgon passing faire. 'Tis sure the Bard of Avon oft didst tuck Like implement across the seething mane; A steal at 88 more than two buck: Dare bid anon, or cowering abstain? But hark! Take action ere this offer's lost: If mate be bought, the shipping hath no cost.(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 3. "Morton Iodized Salt, 26oz.": Yum! This tastes just like McDonald's french fries, but it's not fried and has no fat at all! (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.) 4. "World's Best Dish Cloths — Set of 12 — Assorted Colors": Sure, you can purchase other dish cloths, but you'll need to buy these in the end anyway — just so you can wipe up your salty tears of regret from having bought the World's Second Best Dish Cloth first. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Sub-blurbs: Honorable mentions Dual Duty Thread 400 Yards: What a bargain — I measured this out and found that you actually get 402.56 yards of thread! (Julia Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) I found this thread especially good for playing Hostage with your child's Barbie dolls. It's strong enough to keep them tied to the Barbie Dream House Chandelier by the wrists and ankles, but also versatile enough to give way if the child starts ripping at it in panic .?.?. (Daniel Rosen, Washington, who last got ink nine years ago) This dual-duty thread is at once sartorial and celestial: It is so ultra-white and ultra-pure that it will easily pass through the eye of a needle: This must be what garments are made of in the Kingdom of Heaven. (David Ballard, Reston) "Plus" is right! Not only have I found it great for sewing and mending, but it can also serve as baby dental floss, Cornish hen trussing, clothesline for damp tissues, and bug leashes. (Phyllis Rudnick, Leesburg, Va., a First Offender) This spool is perfect for retrieving your wallet from the top of the Washington Monument. Simply attach a fishhook to one end and let it fly. You have almost 600 feet of wiggle room, so you can work from a distance to obtain the optimum angle. (Gregory Koch) For 1,003 performances, I've worked this thread — laced with with pink plastic beads — through the sinus, down the throat and out the mouth. It works without a hitch, over and over. Even during colds, when nostrils, you know, aren't so fresh. See me on YouTube! (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) All the gals in our ladies' auxiliary swear it's white thread or nothing! And Dual Duty Plus is the best. We want our men's robes and masks looking as spotless as can be when they set out on their missions to rescue America from the powers of darkness. (John Shea, Philadelphia) Morton Iodized Salt, 26oz: Nothing coats the rim of a blue-rim margarita glass like Morton's. The 26-ounce size is just about right for a Jimmy Buffett concert weekend. And when's the last time you saw a Parrothead with a goiter? (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) This product works great for killing the slugs in my garden. I just roll the cylinder between the rows and it smushes them really good. Please send me the next size up so I can deal with the gophers. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) I'm not sure if it's the grain size or the iodine, but this salt is much better than kosher or sea salt. Just sprinkle on any open wound and oh, oooooh YES! (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) With Morton's, my interrogators always get the answers they want from our wounded dissidents — because when it pains, they pour. — B. al-Assad, Damascus (Kevin Dopart) Since iodine is an antiseptic, I rub this salt over my daughter's scrapped knees before applying a band-aid. It works so well that when I ask her if she needs another treatment, she shouts, "It's better! It's all better!" (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) World's Best Dish Cloths: In this candidate's opinion, a set of these makes the ideal high school graduation gift. Not only are they good for drying dishes, they're also just right for shining shoes, buffing hubcaps and many other jobs you can attain without attending some elitist college like the ones I'll be sending my kids to. (Melissa Balmain) I manage boxers, and these towels are fantastic for throwing into the ring when my fighter has had enough. In the past, I've had to throw in two, three, sometimes four towels before the referee noticed and stopped the fight, while my guys were getting the you-know-what kicked out of them. Plus, I like to match the assorted colors with the color of the shorts my fighter wears. (Bruce Harris, Scotch Plains, N.J.) These double-layered, natural-cotton, absorbent cloths are the same ones Great-Grandma and her sisters used month after month — they're still the best. Can also be used for washing dishes. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) These dish cloths were compact, foldable and lightweight, but serving beef stew on them didn't work out well, to say the least. Making dishes out plastic still works a lot better. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) "World's best" understates the case — these are the best dish cloths that could exist in any possible world. And you can never go wrong with a color selection like "We ship an assortment of what we have on hand at the time." (Gary Crockett) Clipper-mate Pocket Comb 5" For guys like me with unruly back hair, the fine teeth of the Clipper-mate pocket comb are a godsend. Now I never go on a date without one of these in my back pocket. I only wish that finding women who are into social grooming were so simple. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Before my wife gave me one of these, I didn't even realize my pockets were disheveled. Now that they're neatly combed, we seem to get better tables in restaurants. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) This product worked perfectly right out of the box — I didn't even read the instruction manual. Its classic design is so simple a child can use it, yet sophisticated enough to create stunning styles, from the easy middle part to the tough left-sider. With its 76 indestructible teeth, it is deceptively powerful, too – like a pocket Black Hawk helicopter that will seek and destroy the nits in your preschooler's hair. (Megan Durham, Reston) To the music of "YMCA": Young man, what's that thing on your head? They say, looks like, some poor critter that's dead. They say, young man, should have stayed in your bed, Or put on.?.?. a .?.?. foot .?.?.ball .?.?. hel .?.?.met. Young man, your coiffure's in distress, They say, young man, a hirsute SOS, They say, young man, just cut off the whole mess, Or put on .?.?. that .?.?. foot .?.?.ball .?.?. hel .?.?.met. I smile and reach for my C-O-M-B. Just grab my Clipper-mate C-O-M-B. Only five inches long, unbelievably strong, You can buy one for just a song. A couple strokes with my C-O-M-B. Wild hair's no match for this C-O-M-B. All the teeth are real fine, comfy pocket design, Get a Clipper-mate – don't touch mine! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Revlon Compact Emery Boards, 24 Count I file my fingernails for hours and hours every day, and these boards never let me down. They're so gratifying that lately I've been compelled to stop young women on the street and file their nails, too. Thanks, Revlon! (Rob Cohen) Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, where the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. Next week: The End of Our Rhops, or Play It Again, Same ====================================================================== WEEK 965, published April 1, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 965 Foaling Around By Pat Myers, Gemologist x Verne = Jewels Harvard N Yale x Isn't He Clever = Ivy Drip Finnegans Wake x Plated = Impenetrable It's April, and even fools (er, especially fools) know that's when the Losers play the ponies each year in one of our most popular and enduring contests. Below this week's results is a list of 100 of the 3-year-old horses eligible (as of press time) to run in this year's Triple Crown races. "Breed" any two of the horses and name their foal, as in the examples above. (Click here for a version of the list that's easier to print out.) It matters not at all that virtually all the horses are male. As in the real racing world, the name must not exceed 18 characters including spaces and punctuation. Remember, there's now a 25-entry limit, a modification that has turned the Empress almost semi-sane these recent years; in the Olden Days, some people would send as many as 600 entries. Especially this week, be sure to double-space your entries; it's really hard to read long lists of single-spaced ones. Make sure you spell the horses' names correctly, because I use the search function as I look at the entries for each horse on the list, and I sure don't want to miss your brilliance. Winner gets the Inker or possibly another Style Invitational trophy (to be determined) if we can't replenish our supply. Second place receives a fine set of fake mustaches: the Mario, the Dali, the Magnum, the Hogan, the Chaplin and the Einstein (wearing more than one at a time is not advised). Donated by Craig Dykstra. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the brand-new, yet-to-be-designed but surely hotly desired Grossery Bag, a lightweight tote. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 9; results published April 29, the Sunday before Derby Day (they'll be posted online April 27). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 965" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results is by Judy Blanchard; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Roy Ashley. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 961, in which we asked you to write anti-rhopalic passages — in which all words had the same number of letters (hyphenated compound words could count as either one word or two): The winner of the Inker Mitt Rues Road Trip From Hell Mitt, wife, five sons. Mutt, cage, auto roof. Long ride, much wind. Poop drip. Woof! Tagg: "Yuck, stop!" ARCO sign. Pull over. Whoa, real mess! Hose down auto rear, mutt. Pull back onto road. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2. Winner of the little bags of "Democrap Donkey Dung" and "Repooplican Elephant Dung" (really chocolate-coated peanuts): Rick says gays' vows will mean four-ways, dogs with cats, hand cart into Hell. .?.?. Jeez, Rick, calm down, take your meds. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 3. "Dude, with that face, even butt-ugly gals won't make time with your kind." "Yeah? That ain't what your mama said." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) 4. Empress watches quality entries decline, notices editors growing cynical. Finally cancels contest, trashes statues, magnets; regains dignity writing society stories, dog-show reports. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Mugs, nope; tees, nope: Honorable mentions "Let's make some good grub!" said chef Deen. "Ribs, pork buns, BLTs, flan, lime bars, Oreo cake, beef tips, clam dips, corn dogs, Yule logs, jams, yams, hams, pies with lard — lots!" BURP. "Whoa. Feel sick. Weak. Can't move legs, arms. How'd THAT come down?" (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Dems mock 2012 prez race: "Just fire your foes, Mitt! Slam that gals' pill, Rick! More moon base talk, Newt! Push them gold bars, Paul!" (Chris Doyle) Dude, pass that bong over here; we'll show that good weed aids one's voca- .?.?.[puff] .?.?. lang- [drag] .?.?. word list! (Mark Richardson, Washington) After right wing's group nixes donor money limit, left's Maher sends Obama extra bucks. Using other words: Glass house owner hurls giant stone. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Deep down, even avid fans know that "slut" fits Rush best. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) When they hear Mitt, Rick, Paul, Newt, Most Dems note lies, roll eyes, push mute. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) Hand over some fish, feed them just once. Give them some nets, feed them even more. Also, send rods, bait, beer. (Jeff Contompasis) Santorum, Decrying 'Biblical Betrayal,' Deplores 'Elephant-Antelope' Marriage; 'Aardvark-Tortoise' Marriage Likewise Assailed (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Able were y'all till y'all seen Elba. (Gary Crockett) Retired federal manager, current Wal-Mart greeter, ten-time widower. Hobbies include birding, macrame, ikebana, fencing, braille Yahtzee, virtual sorcery, Klingon cuisine, genital origami, extreme bondage, torture devices, autopsy reports. Seeking wealthy dowager, skilled midwife, college student, curious females. Romance? (Chris Doyle) "Rx" is to "ho" as "ef up" is to me. — R. Limbaugh (Kevin Dopart, Washington) So, do we do it or no? It is up to me, eh? So we do! … Er … my, um, "up" is no go. Oy. (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) "The Old Man and the Sea"? Huh? Who? Wha? Due now??? Can you say "GED"? (Louise Dodenhoff Hauser, Falls Church) Hey, bro! I've had all top ten: Boy Toy, Mad Man, Gay Guy, Top Gun, Art Nut, Gal Pal, Bad Ole Boy, Lil Kid, Dry Wit and Fat Cat. (But not Wet Dog.) But you, bro: I'll lie for you, cry, die for you. You are the one! Luv, Sis (Toni Smiley, Washington, a First Offender) Star-Girt Flag (to "The Star-Spangled Banner") What have your eyes seen, with that rosy dawn glow? Does this look like that item when pale dusk last fell? Wide line upon star when blow upon blow, Over fort edge thus seen does with true grit wave well. When ruby fire sang, amid bomb with loud bang, Gave clue that dark time that this flag will long hang. Pray tell that this star-girt flag does also wave, Over this free land, home that bold ones save. (Angus Walker, London, a First Offender) And this tour de force that is a single entry of seven-letter words: Imagine someday reading WashPo's letter-H neology contest results! Winners, T-shirts: Hersatz: Shemale Hormelt: Grilled cheddar-hamwich. Henpecs: Chicken breasts. Hefnerd: Trekkie playboy. Magnets: Homepoi: Waikiki gangsta. Heirbag: Scrotum. Habitot: Playpen. Ho-humps: Hooker's closing clients. Scarlet Letters: Hamjobs: Pulling porkers. Humpire: Efferee. (Chris Doyle) Ands Last: Losers resent octopi — they're ALWAYS inking. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Myers fired! Axing "fluff," Post's board nixes Style pages. Final issue today. (April Fools!) (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Next week: Questionable Journalism, or Pressing Questions ====================================================================== WEEK 966, published April 8, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 966 Call it Inkremental Change By Pat Myers, RUSH; lush; lust; lost; lout; gout; glut; SLUT. This week's contest was inspired by the example above, which was an entry by the Amazing Loser Chris Doyle for Week 961, that contest asked entrants to write something in which all the words had the same number of letters. Here's how we'll do it: Start with any word or name, and create a series of words that change by one letter at a time (it's up to you how long the series is), until you come up with a related word or name. The middle words should relate to the end words or relate to the preceding word. Changing by one letter means you may also add a letter to the word, or drop a letter, in a given step. Winner gets the new Style Invitational trophy, the Inkin' Memorial, an exceedingly dignified Lincoln Memorial-statue bobblehead. Second place receives a little tin of the world's most tightly folded Uh Oh .?.?. Emergency Underpants ("Always ready to use!"), donated — unused — by Amanda Yanovitch. Britney Spears is under court order to carry these at all times. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the brand-new, yet-to-be-designed but surely hotly desired Grossery Bag, a lightweight tote. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 16; results published May 6 (online May 4). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 966" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Judy Blanchard; the alternate "next week" headline is by Tom Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 962, our perennial contest in which we asked you to choose a sentence appearing in The Post that week and to write a question that it might be the answer to: Fabulous results as usual; there were many more fine ones than could fit on a single reasonable list. The winner of the Inker A. "We're working our way happily and steadily through the process of production." Q. What did the mechanical engineer reply when his mother-in-law said, "We hope you'll soon make us proud grandparents"? (Cathy Lamaze, North Potomac, Md.) 2. Winner of the personal journal made of cow-dung paper: A. "I support it." Q. Senator, are you a cat or a dog person? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) 3. A. "Your family gives you, hopefully, roots and wings." What was the opening diary entry of a Donner Party pioneer? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) 4. A. But please, don't mess with the kebabs. Q. In the Beirut airport security line, what's the equivalent saying of "Don't touch my junk"? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Q & Eh: Honorable mentions A. It happened more than a quarter-century ago, at the start of a Romney family summer vacation. Q. When is the last time anyone saw Mitt's hair move? (Mark Richardson, Washington) A. "I'm interested in distinctly engaging the histories of the paper bag." Q. What statement led analysts to question Jon Huntsman's debating abilities? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) A. You don't hear it when you step off the train. Q. How do you stop the bride's cussing during the wedding ceremony? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A. The potential was there, but the ends were loose. Q. Dr. Oz, was your all-fiber diet successful? (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) A. "We compare all the teams irregardless of what conference they come from." Q. Mr. Head Judge, why do you think criticism of the National Grammar and Word Usage Championships is unfounded? (Roy Ashley, Washington) A. "As we get those, we take them out." Q. Do you treat anti-gun protesters outside your NRA meetings with respect? (Dave Prevar) A. The release of employment numbers by the Bureau of Labor Statistics has long been a ritual in Washington. Q: Hi, I'm new to D.C. and I was wondering what fun things there are to do on a weeknight around here. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington, Va.) A. White-nose was detected in Alabama on March 2 and confirmed two days later. Q: Now that mimes have escaped from their invisible boxes, how far have they spread? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) A: "We'll call it a tie, because I don't want to make him look bad." Q: Mr. Gingrich, how do you plan to concede the race to Mr. Romney? (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) A. "He would get under our bed and shake it, yelling, 'Earthquake!' Earthquake!' " Q. Why did you suspect your husband didn't understand the concept of foreplay? (Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) A. It's a two-man race. Q. How did Cain break the news about Abel's death to Eve? (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) A: It rose about 15 feet, lifted the ocean and tipped the Pacific's waters onto the Japanese coast. Q: What did Godzilla do after seeing his daughter's cellphone bill? (Arika Seymour, Clarksburg, Md., a First Offender) A. "Then two 40-gallon trash cans." Q: "Mr. Putin, the votes for your opponents are overflowing this 40-gallon trash can. What should I do?" (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) A. As James demonstrates how to make a cucumber roll, the room goes silent. Q. What makes you think today's kids are so physics-challenged, they don't even know how a cylinder moves? (Brendan Beary) A. They do. Q. What did Warren Jeffs always say at his weddings? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A. "I run for like an hour and a half a day." Q: Joe Biden's brain, to what do you attribute your longevity? (Richard Wong, Derwood, Md.) A. You're a hard worker, and you'll be a harder player. Q. What advertising slogan did Viagra reject? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) A. "One of the great blessings I've had in every political campaign is people underestimate me, people underestimate what God can do." Q. How has Rick Santorum portrayed his humility to voters? (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) A. It's very rare to find a continuous curved plane like that. Q. Why is there so much excitement about Boeing's new Frisbee-shaped aircraft? (Mae Scanlan, Washington) A. There will be nearly 200 special guests, including 75 filmmakers. Q. What's unusual about Snooki's maternity room plans? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) A. If you go on a weekend, you can see the cockroach races. Q: What ad slogan for New York City hotels isn't faring well? (Barry Koch) A. They will bring in 27 talk-radio hosts who broadcast to 48 states. Q. What was uncovered as the Taliban's ultimate plan for the destruction of America? (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) A. These are things you can look for in others. Q. What are faults? (Dixon Wragg) A. An urgent return to the religion and the metaphysical realism of the West, combined with the promotion of free market economies and a sound political foundation. Q: What is NOT an accurate plot summary of "The Hangover, Part 2"? (Christopher Lamora) A: Imagine our disappointment. Q: Fellow Tiger Moms, what should we make our children do to work harder? (Kevin Dopart) A: Airline industry officials said incidents such as Friday's are extremely rare. Q: Your plane got into National on time, your luggage wasn't crushed, and your car wasn't blocked by a limo with diplomatic plates — jeez, what are the chances? (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) A. The green bubble takes you through a region with lots of economic problems. Q. What futuristic method of travel did young Mitt Romney imagine to help rich people float through bad parts of town? (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) [The writer was describing a wooded bike trail.] A. Should she become first lady, Romney told Parade magazine last fall, she would certainly bring horses to the White House lawn. Q. Why are large boxes strapped to the tops of Ann Romney's Cadillacs? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) A. "Sex is popular." Q. Why will Rick Santorum never get elected president? (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) A. "There are Republican women out there who believe in our issues." Q. Do you think there's really a market for a "Conservative Sperm Bank"? (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) A. "I don't know how it got to this point, but I got to get out of it somehow." Q: How could you possibly have mixed up your "male-enhancement" pump with a pencil sharpener? (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) A. They interviewed key players and reviewed more than 328,000 pages of records to reach their conclusions. Q. Why were the Post sportswriters upset when the Style intern who chose the teams with the coolest uniforms beat them in the March Madness office pool? (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) A. He did offer to stay. Q: After condemnation by most of the world, what concession did Bashar al-Assad offer? (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) A. It's a negative feedback loop. Q. What's a good euphemism for a noose? (Kevin Dopart) A. "We just allowed him to get to the rim time after time after time." Q: Why did the Grand Canyon rangers make you put your kid on a leash? (Beverley Sharp) A: "Sooner or later, one of 'em has to work, right?" Q: How does Congress plan to combat current unemployment issues? (Steven Seymour, Clarksburg, Md.) And Last: A. "There must have been either the grossest treachery, or the most inconceivable imbecility, and very likely a mixture of both." Q. How did all of my brilliant Style Invitational entries get overlooked yet again? (Mark Richardson) Next week: The Overlap Dance, or The Moniker Mash Still running — deadline Monday night! Our annual breed-the-horses contest. ====================================================================== WEEK 967, published April 15, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 967 The Overlap Dance II Log cabin cruiser: A really old houseboat. Today's results combine two people's names into one. For this week's new contest, we'll do a variation on that — one that some entrants to Week 963 did anyway because they didn't read the directions. Instead of portmanteau names, Loser Jeff Contompasis suggests, let's do portmanteau phrases: Create a phrase that overlaps two terms, each of two words or more, and describe the result, as in Jeff's example above. The middle word may be only partly overlapped and the spelling may vary slightly (see today's results for examples), but you need to be able to see both the end of one term and the beginning of the other. The terms can be anything that's not some individual's name — it can be a product, business, etc., as well as a generic term: basically, what wasn't allowed in last time. Winner gets the new Style Invitational trophy, the Inkin' Memorial, a majestic li'l Lincoln Memorial-statue bobblehead. (The little plaque will look nicer than the one in the picture, which I printed out at home and taped to a file card.) Second place receives either a really cool bottle of Laotian liquor with a big preserved scorpion inside (you must be at least 21 and able to pick it up from us, preferably at the Flushies, the Losers' own awards "banquet," on May 12, because it might leak in the mail) or your choice of the other runner-up prizes. The bottle was donated by Loser 4 Ever Tom Witte. (Flushies info at bitly.com/flushies2012.) Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the brand-new, yet-to-be-designed but surely hotly desired Grossery Bag, a lightweight tote. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 23; results published May 13 (online May 11). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 967" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The alternative headline in the "Next week" line is by Mark Richardson; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions was suggested by both Dave Prevar and Tom Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . Report from Week 963, in which we asked for a "Before and After" name, one combining two names so that the end of one name is the beginning of the other: We did allow for spelling changes in that middle section, e.g., Paula Deen and Dean Martin could combine into Paula Deen Martin. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Sean Payton Manning: He was fined by the NFL for paying to get himself injured. (Gil Glass, Washington, a First Offender) 2. Winner of the Wonder Woman costume worn in an indie movie: B.B. King James: Lo, the Thrill hath gone; yea, it hath gone away from me. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) 3. Danica PatRick Perry: The gas pedal makes the car go faster, the clutch pedal is used to change gears, and the third pedal is, um .?.?. gas, clutch and .?.?. I know this .?.?. (CRASH!) Oops. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) 4. Rick Santorumpelstiltskin: He spun hayseeds into gold. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Overlapses: Honorable mentions Little Orphan Annie Oakley: "The gun'll come out tomorrow." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Elizabeth Taylor Swift: National Velveeta. (Alida DeCoster, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) Jeremy Lindsay Lohan: Takes a shot — and down it goes! And another shot! And another! (Nan Reiner) Dean Martin Luther King: Gave the famous "I'll Have a Drink" speech. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Michael Jackson Browne: "Doctor My Nose." (Dave Coutts, Severna Park, Md.) George Michael Jackson: He was caught getting a nose job in a public restroom. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) Isaac Newton Gingrich: Proved the Fourth Law of Motion: What goes around comes around. (Ken Gallant, Little Rock, Ark.) Joe Louis XIV: The Stun King. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) Juan Ponce de Leon Spinks: Searched for the Fountain of Tooth. (Mike Gips, Bethesda) Kermitt Romney: It's not easy having green. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Les Paul Bunyan: Wields a heck of an ax. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Martin Luther Vandross: Soul man whose work dominated the Top 95 list. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Marion Barry Bonds: Pitcher set me up! (Mike Gips) Ogden Nash Bridges: Candy is dandy, but killing is thrilling. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Pamela Anderson Cooper: Host of "360-240-360." (Dave Coutts) Ray Charles Lindbergh: Amelia Earhart's navigator. (Jeff Crockett, Austin, a First Offender) Rick Warren Beatty: Author of "The Priapus-Driven Life." (Randy Lee, Burke) Ron Paul McCartney: "I believe in yesterday." (Hal Crawford, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) Sandra Fluke Skywalker: Symbol of the fight against the Dark Side. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Smurfetta James: One of the greatest blue singers. (Mark Richardson, Washington) Olivia Newton-John Carter: Xanadon't. (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) Lenny Bruce Lee: Fung Ku artist. (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) Martin O'Malley McBeal: Not just same-sex marriage, but unisex bathrooms, too! (John Kustka, Prince Frederick, Md.) Humbert HumBert Parks: Host of the Junior Junior Miss Pageant. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Country Joe Biden: Give him an F. (Andy Bassett) Elizabeth Taylorena Bobbitt: She cut short a lot of marriages. (Ann Martin) George Will.I.Am: Leader of the G.O.Peas. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Major Tom Cruise: His mind is floating in a tin can, far above the world. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) Newt GingRich Little: Impersonates a leader, but generally makes a bad impression. (Kevin Dopart) Nicole Richie Valens: La Bimbo. (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) Patrick Henry Miller: "Give me libertines or give me death." (Roy Ashley, Washington; Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Pee-wee Herman Cain: Even keeping his hands to himself doesn't keep him out of trouble. (Dixon Wragg) Robert Frosty the Snowman: "Whose corncob pipe I think I know. / He runs across the village, though; / He will not see me stopping here / To watch his puddle grow below." (Kevin Dopart) Ron Paul Volcker: The only Fed chief to fire himself. (Chris Doyle) Salvador Dali Parton: Famed painter of "The Persistence of Mammaries." (Jeff Crockett; Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) ShaKeira Knightley: Her hip bones don't lie. (Sam Kobor, Great Falls, a First Offender) Tiny Tim Tebow: "God bless us every win." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Yo-Yo Ma Barker: Her gun wouldn't fit in some puny violin case .?.?. … (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Next week: The Grossery Bag? or The Notorious B.A.G. Still running — deadline Monday night — is our word ladder contest: washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational; click on "Week 966." ====================================================================== WEEK 968, published April 22, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 968 Grant us a stupid academic study By Pat Myers Proposal: A study to determine the effect of classical music on the human respiratory system. Hypothesis: Having observed repeatedly the phenomenon of widespread coughing occurring immediately after the first notes of a concert are sounded, we suspect that the sound waves emanating from orchestral reed instruments .?.?. Proposal: A study of the relationship between snowfall and diarrhea in the Washington metropolitan area. Evidence: It has long been noted that the presence of only a few flurries in the sky over the nation's capital has produced enormous increases in the purchase of toilet paper .?.?. This week's contest, suggested by Not-a-Loser-Just-a-Reader Tom Laufer: Come up with a proposal to the National Science Foundation or other research-funding organization for a study based on a stupid hypothesis, like Tom's examples above. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this fine Rednek Wine Glass — a genuine Mason jar with a stem fused on, complete with screw-on lid. Donated by Craig Dykstra. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag, whose design we show off today for the first time. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 30; results published May 20 (online May 18). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 968" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The alternate headline for the "Next Week" line is by Robert Schechter; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions was submitted by both Jeff Contompasis and Brad Alexander. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . Report from Week 964, in which the Empress asked for ideas for our latest runner-up prize, the lightweight tote that we dubbed the Grossery Bag. The winner gets to choose between our new first-place trophy, the Inkin' Memorial, or this bag with her own joke on it; the runners-up — as befits true Losers — win the bag, which of course has someone else's joke on it, along with Bob Staake's design (this won't be exactly the final version, but it's close enough to show you). The winner Almost Valuable Player (with the "al" in a different color) Runner-Up The Style Invitational (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 2. Cartoon of the Inkin' Memorial, with the slogan: With malice toward none, With parody for all. The Style Invitational. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 3. In imitation of the store's logo: WHOLE FOOLS Loser The Style Invitational (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 4. Well, I thought it was funny. LOSER The Style Invitational (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.) Excess baggage: honorable mentions (Drawing of a nose) They Should Have Picked ME Loser, The Style Invitational (Nando Amabile, Frederick, Md., a First Offender) Cartoon of a pistol. Out of the gun barrel comes a flag labeled "Rim Shot." Have Pun, Will Travel (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Shaded regions drawn at the bottom left and right corners of the bag, with scraggly hairs extending from them. They're labeled "Arm Holes." A semicircle at the center bottom is labeled "Neck Hole." Remove Shaded Areas for Use as Shirt (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) I Just Saved 5¢ by Being Hilarious (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Embarrass your family in print every week — ask me how! (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) The Winner Got a Statue and I Was Left Holding This Bag Runner-Up, The Style Invitational (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) How to Bag a Loser: WRONG: (Graphic of a person stuffed headfirst into the bag, sticking straight up) RIGHT: (Bag over the head) (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) My Cheap, Tasteless Joke Won This Cheap, Tasteless Joke From The Style Invitational (Lynda Hoover, Shepherdstown, W.Va, a First Offender) The Style Invitational: Abandon all hope, ye who enter (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Cartoon of a Roman Empress giving the thumbs-down to a gladiator: Veni, Vidi, Perdidi I came, I saw, I lost Runner-Up, The Style Invitational (Scott Poyer, Annapolis, Md.) (A Bride of Frankenstein-style Empress slams a tote over someone's head) She Sacked Me! Runner-Up, The Style Invitational (Lawrence McGuire) In fancy script: I Got a B in Punmanship Runner-Up, The Style Invitational (Tom Witte) Next week: Foaling Around, or The Neighm Game ====================================================================== WEEK 969, published April 29, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 969: This year's winning 'foals,' and now it's the next generation By Pat Myers, And it's Post time for the second race on our annual horse-"breeding" card; in its ninth year, it spins off this week's results, which should give you an idea of what we're looking for. This week: "Breed" any two "foals" in today's results, and name the "grandfoal." You may also use the extra foals that appear in the online version of Week 969 at wapo.st/StyleInv. Just as for the original contest, the name may not exceed 18 characters, including spaces, and your entry shouldn't remotely duplicate any of today's results. And you're again limited to 25 entries. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the shapely figurine pictured here (as of Friday morning, the full photo wasn't showing up on this page); the creepy wires snaking out of where her head and arms should appear are presumably intended to hold jewelry. Donated by longtime Losers J.J. Gertler and Sandra Hull; J.J. explained to the Empress that when he and Sandra found it in West Virginia, "we both immediately thought of you." Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the new, ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 7; results published May 27 (online May 25). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 969" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The alternative headline in the "Next Week" line is by Chris Doyle; the subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . Report from Week 965: Our hugely popular annual contest in which we give you a list of 100 horses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races, and ask you to "breed" any two and name their foal: The Empress pondered each of the more than 5,000 entries, of which literally hundreds were very clever. If your very clever entry isn't listed below, it's because the E doesn't like that thing you do with your eyebrows. Cut it out already. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Holy Highway x The Lumber Guy = Om Depot (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) 2. Winner of the six fake mustaches: Flashy Sunrise x Alpha = Greet the Nude A (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) 3. Stat x Wrote = ASAP's Fables (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) 4. Tiger Walk x Holy Highway = Fairway to Heaven (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.; Stephen Gilberg, Washington) Not exacta: Honorable mentions Discreet Dancer x One Sock Down = Amish Stripper (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington, whose one previous Invite ink was 17 years ago) Daddy Long Legs x Harvard N Yale = SAT on a Tuffet (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Rousing Sermon x Motor City = Praise the Ford! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Souper Speedy x Neck 'n Neck = Instant Canoodles (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) The Lumber Guy x Stepping Lite = Paul Bunion (Marleen May, Rockville, Md.; Laura Bennett Peterson) Cyber Secret x Liaison = eLope (Carly Ball, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) A Boy Named Em x Explain = Elle Was Taken (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) All Stormy x Points Offthebench = Raining Buckets (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Awesome Address x Fed Biz = Pork Avenue (Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring, Md.; Jeremy Levin, Washington) Mr Percussionist x Backdoor Strike = Keith Mooning (Mike Gips) Barber Shop Rock x Done Done Done = Did-Wop (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Drill x Big Monster = J. Paul Yeti (Roy Ashley, Washington) Boat Trip x Holy Highway = Rowed to Damascus (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) Class President x Rousing Sermon = Summa Cum Loud (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Neck 'n Neck x Harvard N Yale = Kiss My Ascot(Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Daddy Long Legs x Battle Hardened = Iraqnid (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) Empire Way x Ever So Lucky = Appian Carefree (Jonathan Paul) Fed Biz x Awesome Address = Luxury Cubicle (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) The Lumber Guy x Grouse = Forest Grump (Alex Mantle, Buffalo, Wyo., a First Offender) Diplomat x Segway = Ambassadork (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) Alpha x Diplomat= Bits and Peaces (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Gung Ho x PoliticallyCorrect = Gung ServiceWorker (J.D. Berry, Springfield; Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Harvard N Yale x I'll Have Another = One for the Rhodes (Dion Black, Washington) Pretension x Julius Caesar = Prig Latin (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Julius Caesar x Late Night Action = Et Tu, Booté (Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.) My Adonis x Julius Caesar = A Perfect X (Rob Wolf) One Sock Down x Google My Grandson = Cyber Stocking (Mark Eckenwiler) Souper Speedy x Space Race = Matzo Ballistic (Eric Fritz, Silver Spring, Md.) Finnegans Wake x The Lumber Guy = James Joist (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) Exfactor x Monastic = Simon Cowl (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.; John Winant, Bellevue, Neb.) Holy Highway x Overdriven = The Bible Beltway (Valerie Matthews, Ashton, Md.; Mike Gips) Conserve x Mr Percussionist = Muir Cowbell (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Union Rags x Secret Circle = AFL/CIA (Susan Thompson) Diplomat x Neck 'n Neck = Henry Kissing Her (Catherine Hagman) Late Night Action x Street Life = Sex Fifth Avenue (Chris Doyle) I'll Have Another x Conserve = I'll Halve Another (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) Battle Hardened x Drill = La Femme Makita (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Plated x Fed Biz = Brass Tax (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Late Night Action x Flashy Sunrise = Where Are My Pants (Greg Pearson, Arlington, Va.) My Adonis x Saturday's for Fun = Myth Congeniality (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Big Monster x Backdoor Strike = Butt Kraken (Chris Doyle) Boat Trip x Captain Obvious = No Ship, Sherlock (Russell Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Diplomat x Cop a Tude = Yo, I Got Immunity (Christina Courtney, Ocean City, Md.) Monastic x Gemologist = Kneel Diamond (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.; Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) Gameday News x Julius Caesar = ESPQR (Jonathan Paul) Algorithms x Backdoor Strike = Tipper Over (William Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.) Julius Caesar x How Do I Win = Take a Stab at It (Harvey Smith) Unmarked Bills x One Sock Down = Two Dollar Hose (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Thunder Moccasin x State of Play = Wiijuns (Dudley Thompson) Space Race x Points Offthebench = SputKnick (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.) Verne x Segway = In Eighty Months (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Captain Obvious x Isn't He Clever = No (Greg Pearson) Alpha x Gung Ho = Never Felt Beta (Nandini Lal, Bethesda, Md.) Groovin' Solo x Isn't He Clever = Do Wit Yourself (Susan Thompson) Union Rags x Wrote = Yankee Doodled (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Mr. Handsome x Awaited = G. Queue (Rick Haynes) Souper Speedy x Algorithms = Ramen Numerals (Rob Wolf) Drill x No Spin = Doesn't Auger Well (Larry Yungk) Mr Percussionist x Liaison = Timpan Ally (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario) Barrymore x Harvard N Yale = Lionel Richies (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Finnegans Wake x Rousing Sermon = Finnegan's Woke! (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) Groovin' Solo x Motor City = Auto Eroticism (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Barber Shop Rock x Rousing Sermon = Four-Part Homily (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Neck 'n Neck x Whistleblower = Deep Throat (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.; Stephen Gilberg) Awaited x Barber Shop Rock = Pate Pending (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Zip Top x Unyielding = Just First Base (Mark Richardson, Washington) Verne x Whistleblower = 20,000 Leaks (Dudley Thompson) Next week: Inkremental Change, or Wonk, Work, Dork ====================================================================== WEEK 970, published May 6, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 970: Couple It By Pat Myers Those parts of thee that the world's eye doth view (William Shakespeare) Are thanks to Dr. Young, Park Avenue. (Frank Osen) Turning and turning in the widening gyre, (W.B. Yeats) My clothes are almost ready for the dryer. (Robert Schechter) The examples above by two of our most poetic Losers (not Shakespeare and Yeats; those guys never won a T-shirt) are from a 2006 edition of the light-verse journal Bumbershoot, which calls them tailgaters. Robert suggested recently on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook that we try for more. This week: Take a line from any well-known poem and pair it with your own second line to make a humorous couplet. I'm not going to say they must rhyme and have consistent meter, but my hunch is that rhyming, scanning couplets would be much funnier and cleverer. You can find innumerable poems online by Googling "famous poems" and whatnot. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the new Style Invitational trophy. Second place, in accordance with the literary theme, receives a Lil William (Shakespeare) "posable figure," if you like your human figures posed as human Transformers; he's a bit blocky. However, he is lil — about three inches tall. He also seems to be wearing a Speedo. Donated by Loser Brunch coordinator Pie Snelson. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the new, ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 14; results published June 3 (online June 1). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 970" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Roy Ashley; the one for the Week 962 extras is by Jeff Contompasis; the alternative headline in the "Next Week" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . Report from Week 966, in which we asked you to construct strings of words that change by one letter from the previous — adding, subtracting or substituting: Cleverness notwithstanding, there are only so many of these a body can read at once. So we offer some great entries from Week 962 that we didn't have room for last month. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial MITT: "Mutt must muss, mess less. Let's let pet pee. See? Set? Get pet! Put pup up! Uh??? UGH!!!!" (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) 2. Winner of the little tin of Emergency Underpants: CAIN, coin, corn, core, lore, lose, LOST! PAUL, pall, poll, pole, pose, lose, LOST! NEWT, next, text, test, jest, just, lust, LOST! RICK, risk, rise, rose, lose, LOST! (Neal Starkman, Seattle) 3. OBAMA, 'Bama, bam, lam, slam, ISLAM — Rufus Boggs, Backwater, Ala. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 4. PUTIN, poutin', spoutin', shoutin', shootin', hootin', hottin', rottin', rattin', ratin', pratin', prayin', payin', PALIN. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Badder, sadder: honorable mentions "CSI" (spoiler alert): GROPE, rope, rape, tape, tap, rap, trap, trip, grip, gripe, grime, CRIME. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) GOP got God, DoD, Dad, Mad Man; ran Ron, WON! (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) ObamaCare, ObamaScare, ObamaScar, ObamaSpar, ObamaSpat, ObamaSpit, ObamaSplit, ObamaSplat. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) WEINER, whiner, whiter, waiter, waster, taster, texter, SEXTER. (Chris Doyle) "I Didn't Start With P": RICK rock; dock dork; pork; porky, perky PERRY. (Kevin Dopart) RUSH, rash, rasp, grasp, grass, CRASS. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.; Larry Powers, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) YOUTH, mouth, south, soot, sooty, booty, booby, boomy, roomy, room, loom, loon, loony, looky, hooky, hoody, MOODY. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) NEWT, next, text, test, vest, vast, vase, case, ease, easel, WEASEL. (Veggo Larsen, Farmers Branch, Tex.) EASTER, feaster, faster, master, masser, Mass o'er, Mass over, PASSOVER. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) TRUMP, rump, ump, imp, simp, sim, him, ham, sham, shame, shave, have, hare, hire, FIRE. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) Even More of a Miracle? WATER: later, LAGER. (Kevin Dopart) TUTU, tuts, tots, toes, toe, woe, won, win, twin, TWAIN. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Market Jitters BULL, bell, sell, yell, yelp, help, heap, hear, fear, BEAR. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) BEANS, beads, bends, wends, wands, warts, FARTS. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Saturday Night LUST, lush, bush, rush, ruse, rouse, arouse, CAROUSE. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) And Last: LOSER, loner, boner, bone, bore, sore, swore, sworn, worn, morn, MORON. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) And Even Laster: POO, loo, look, lock, luck, suck, sick, ick, INK. (Amanda Yanovitch) Har clippings: More honorable mentions from Week 962, in which the Losers took a sentence from that week's Posts and came up with a question it could have answered: A. You want to keep banging on him and stop him from jumping. Q. What's the first step in making Grasshopper Pie? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A. "I've taken a recent liking to 'man toy.' " Q. Mr. President, do you have a nickname for Vice President Biden? (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg, Md.) A. "I can't really pinpoint any actual conversation that we had." Q. Did your doctor say the medical marijuana is helping you? (David Genser) A. They were rare birds indeed. Q. Is it true that the recent cases of food poisoning were caused by undercooked turkeys? (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Next week: Overlap Dance II, or Pair o' Phrases Still running — deadline Monday night — is our "grandfoals" contest: See wapo.st/StyleInv; click on "Week 969." ====================================================================== WEEK 971, published May 13, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 971 Double booking By Pat Myers, Thursday, May 10, 10:23 AM Front cover: The Very Hungry Caterpillar Back cover: The Very Full Robin Front: The Hobbit Back: The Bobbitt, a shorter tale The author Yann Martel, a couple of years ago, planned to publish what he called a "flip book," but he didn't mean the kind you pull your thumb across to watch the pictures move. He meant that he'd write two complementary books inside the same covers — one starting in front, the other on the back. (Martel evidently changed his mind, although he did end up writing a book about an author who did this.) Anyway, as Loser Kevin Dopart suggests: Come up with a double book with a humorous connection; the first title must be an actual book, while the other may be your own fictitious title (as in Kevin's examples above) or a second real book. Feel free to add a short description if that enhances the humor. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the the Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a very special item, created by Jolene Mosley and donated by Andrea Kelly; it is like the ones sent to male members of Congress during the recent all-male hearing on birth control funding. Loser Anne Paris describes it as "a lovely hand-knitted replica of intimate female parts, suggesting what Martha Stewart would be inspired to create if she went to the gynecologist while stoned," while fellow Loser Craig Dykstra calls it a "she-cozy." (You may choose a standard runner-up prize instead.) Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the new, ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 21; results published June 10 (online June 8). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 971" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Mae Scanlan; the alternative headline in the "Next week" line is by Judy Blanchard. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . Report from Week 967, in which we asked you to create a new "portmanteau" phrase by combining two overlapping phrases or names that each contained two or more words: Even though the Empress deigned to allow hyphenated terms as two words, lots of Losers still were inept at the task of counting to 2, and instead combined two single words, such as Microsoft and softball. This week they get to count to zero. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Player piano player: Someone who doesn't realize he's entirely useless. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 2. Winner of the Laotian liquor with a big scorpion inside: Bed, Bath & Beyond the Pale: "Now she's even decorating the garage!" (Mark Richardson, Washington) 3. Presidential debate-and-switch: "Thank you for that thoughtful question. I'll now pretend to respond while answering an entirely different, self-serving question." (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 4. Runner up yours!: The sore loser's greeting of congratulations. (Jason Russo, Annandale) Standing their middle ground: honorable mentions Red, white and blue movies: Porn on the Fourth of July. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Victoria's Secret Service: Check out our new line of South American hose! (Mike Gips, Bethesda) Open Secret Service: Its answer to Mae West's "gun in your pocket" question is "both." (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) Garbage pickup line: "What's a girl like you doing in a dump like this?" (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) The Family Circus Maximus: Watch Billy, Dolly, Jeffy and P.J. fight to the death! (Roy Ashley, Washington) Unforeseen-event planner: God. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco, a First Offender) Pizza hut-hut-hut: What quarterbacks yell to draw those really fat defensive linemen offsides. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Mister Happy Meal: It's never as filling as they make it out to be. (Dayna Fellows, Bethesda, a First Offender) Nature abhors a vacuum cleaner: Traditional Amish saying. (David Ballard, Reston) The Olive Garden of Eden: "Of the fruit of that tree thou shalt not eat — but you can have all the salad you want." (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Writer's block party: Inviting all of the neighbors over to throw wadded paper into the wastebasket. (Jason Talbott, Pendleton, Ore.) Shotgun wedding gown: A maternity dress. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Human sacrifice bunt: Really laying one down for the team. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge) TV dinner jacket: An unbuttoned flannel shirt. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Jehovah's Witness Protection Program: Makes your home invisible to door-to-door visitors. (John Simson, Silver Spring, a First Offender) See it through the grapevine: Deaf people gossip, too. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Passive voice mail: "The phone can't be answered right now. A message may be left by you at the beep." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Never Never Landover, Md.: Home of the Losing Boys. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) German shepherd's pie: Processed burglar. (Lawrence McGuire) Rock-and-role reversal: "Paul buried me." (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Model T Party: Engine of political change started by cranks. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Glamour shot clock: It tends to run out about age 35. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass) Poison IV fluid: Way worse than nasal drip coffee. (Nandini Lal, Bethesda) Couch potato famine: The game's into overtime, and the chip bowl is empty. (Barry Koch) Sympathy for the Devil in the Details: An OCD support group. (Mark Richardson) Pyrrhic victory lap: Tripping over the flag you wrapped yourself in after the race, and breaking your leg. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) It takes a village idiot: How to appeal to "the base" during the primaries. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Asleep at the wheel of fortune: Dang, where did I put that lottery ticket? (David Ballard) Pretty in Pink Slime: Lady Gaga's latest fashon line. (I. Michael Snyder, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) Good Humor me: Frequent demand upon the husband of a pregnant woman. (Jon Graft, Centreville, Va.) British Petroleum jelly: What BP's Tony Hayward needed to extract his foot from his mouth. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Change-of-life insurance: Money set aside for a ranty day. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Log Cabin cruiser: Gay Republican on the make. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Knock-knoccam's razor: It's me! (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) The Washington Post-it Note: The print edition, circa 2020. (Beverley Sharp) Next week: Take Us for Grants, or Ha-potheses ====================================================================== WEEK 972, published May 20, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 972 Trends and Neighbors By Pat Myers, A jellyfish is like John Edwards: Even when it's washed up and dead in the water, people don't want to get anywhere near it. Howard Stern Desperate Housewives Michael Phelps Yemen Jellyfish Robert Pattinson John Edwards Same-sex marriage Bristol Palin Mark Zuckerberg iPod Beethoven JPMorgan Chase Game of Thrones Mother's Day Serena Williams Here's a type of contest we've done lots of times: Choose any two items on the list above and explain how they are alike or different. But the twist this week, suggested by Loser Christopher Lamora, is that the items on the list were all listed as "trending" or "hot" topics last Sunday on washingtonpost.com, Twitter, Google News, etc. Given the briefer-than-a-thong half-lives of some trending topics, the Empress did choose the ones that at least would be recognizable four weeks from now, when we run the results. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins this fine foot-tall papier-mache sculpture of a screaming human skeleton riding a surfboard. Donated by big-deal Washington Post editors and honorary Losers Lynn Medford and Jeff Leen. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the new, ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 28; results published June 17 (online June 15). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 972" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Dave Prevar; the alternative headline in the "next week" line is by Kevin Dopart. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . Report from Week 968, in which we asked you for stupidly funny research grant proposals: We figured that this contest would draw lots of funny observational humor. But mostly we got unfunny, painfully old observational humor: toilet seat position, number of items in the express lane, raining after you wash the car. And, as always, alas, a joke about global warming being caused by politicians' hot air. We did, however, find a few imaginative proposals to fund with our shamefully generous prizes. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Proposal: A study to determine whether Murphy's Law is true. Hypothesis: Although Murphy's Law teaches that "if anything can go wrong, it will," the successful completion of this study, fraught as it is with potential pitfalls, will expose that "law" as a fallacy. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 2. Winner of the Rednek Wine Glass, made from a Mason jar: Proposal: To examine the link between the obesity epidemic and global warming. Hypothesis: Since the Earth must work harder to spin with all those overweight people on it, the planet is overheating from all the exertion. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) 3. Ice cream is stored optimally at minus-25 degrees Celsius, while human body temperature is a far higher 37 degrees Celsius. Since the body must burn calories to raise the temperature of the ice cream to body temperature, it stands to reason that consuming ice cream leads to weight loss. Perhaps such a diet will help combat our nation's obesity epidemic. (Luke Currano, Columbia) 4. In light of the difficulty in shutting down the Fukushima reactors, we seek a Nuclear Regulatory Commission grant to examine whether the on-off switches on the nation's nuclear power plants should be changed to the sound-activated variety, such as The ClapperTM. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Thesis the rest: honorable mentions Proposal: A study to determine the gregariousness of cockroaches. Hypothesis: Since the species Blattella germanica is well known to emerge from hiding shortly after a home is visited by dinner guests .?.?. Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Proposal: A study to determine the exothermic properties of U.S. currency. Hypothesis: It has been observed that the application of dollar bills to the thighs of professional ecdysiasts causes the subjects to shed excess clothing. Further study suggests that higher-denomination bills accelerate this effect. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Objective: Measure the safety benefits of text messaging in high-risk environments. Background: Annual highway fatalities have dropped by 10,000 during the past five years, while extensive texting by drivers has increased exponentially. The research team proposes examining whether similar benefits could be found in hospital operating rooms and nuclear power plants. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Background: While many psychologists have studied the effect of money on happiness in the general population, there has been a lack of research of its effect directly on the population of scientists. Proposal: .?.?. (Mark Pearson, Washington, a First Offender) Proposal: A study to determine whether biologists are inadvertently causing species to become endangered. Hypothesis: Since many species on the endangered list have been given names such as "Furbish lousewort," "shiny pigtoe" and "sensitive joint-vetch," various plants and animals might be dying out from sheer embarrassment. (Megan Durham, Reston) In our team's preliminary studies, we have noticed that as ice cream sales increase at seaside resorts, so do shark attacks. We propose to examine why sharks are so attracted to ice cream ingested by humans, and determine how to reformulate the product to deter this effect. (Samuel Enriquez, Annapolis; Gregory Koch, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) Proposal: An examination of the correlation between societal success and olfactory level of human waste products, specifically the accuracy of the belief of individuals with graduate degrees, professional success, hot girlfriends, etc., that their bodily waste "don't stink." (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) Hypothesis: Cellphones drain power from cars on the highway. Evidence: On Interstate 66, where most cars travel between 60 and 70 mph, a small but significant number of automobiles travel no faster than 40 mph. Preliminary research has determined that at least 90 percent of their drivers are using cellphones at the time. We also propose to study how phones' magnetic waves cause the vehicles to wobble in and out of a lane. (Carroll Reed, Centreville, a First Offender) Next week: Colt Following, or Replaying the Ponies ====================================================================== WEEK 973, published May 27, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 973 A Real Triple Crown By Pat Myers, Thursday, May 24, 2:29 PM We've had 19 years of our signature Foaling Around contest — in which the Losers "breed" two names of Triple Crown-eligible horses and name the foal. And it's been seven years of the "grandfoals," in which you breed any two results of the first contest. Let's find out if there's life in the old nag yet. As with the Belmont Stakes in horse racing's Triple Crown, this third leg is harder, and not as likely to draw thousands of entries. But that means the odds are improved for those who load into the starting gate. At the suggestion of Loser Jonathan Hardis, we're calling this contest "Unlucky in Love": This week: The horses in this week's list (it's at the bottom of this week's Invite, after the results) either produced no inking "foals" in Week 965, or ran in the Kentucky Derby or Preakness but weren't on the initial list. "Breed" any two and name the foal, just as in Week 965 or 969. As usual, names must not exceed 18 characters including spaces. You may resubmit entries you sent in Week 965. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a toilet handle with a battery-operated night light built into it. Because it's really hard to guess where the handle of a toilet is. Donated by Andrea Kelly. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the new, ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 4; results published June 24 (online June 22). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 973" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the "Next week" line is by Tom Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . Report from Week 969, our seventh annual "grandfoals" contest. As in previous years, this week's grandfoal names didn't usually take into account every element of the parents' names, since those names were often puns already. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Myth Congeniality x Paul Bunion = Sandra Bull Ox (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) 2. Winner of the jewelry-holder figurine who has snaking wires where her head should be: Forest Grump x Do Wit Yourself = Surly, You Jest (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3. Kneel Diamond x Fairway to Heaven = I'm a Bereaver (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) 4. G. Queue x 20,000 Leaks = G. Whiz (John Winant, Bellevue, Neb.) The beaten track: Honorable mentions Iraqnid x SAT on a Tuffet = Kurds Is to Whey (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) Matzo Ballistic x Fairway to Heaven = Let My People Golf (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) A Perfect X x Two Dollar Hose = Bo L'eggs (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) Deep Throat x Amish Stripper = Hoarse and Buggy (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Yankee Doodled x James Joist = Babe Roof (Duane Douglass, Monterey Park, Calif., a First Offender) I'll Halve Another x A Perfect X = An Okay V (Steven Alan Honley, Washington) eLope x James Joist = HappilyEverRafter (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Never Felt Beta x Just First Base = But Alpha Was Nice (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Elle Was Taken x No Ship, Sherlock = Come 'igh Water (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) Matzo Ballistic x ESPQR = Challah N Circuses (Mark Richardson, Washington) Did-Wop x No Ship, Sherlock = Run Aground, Sue (George-Ann Rosenberg) Lionel Richies x Where Are My Pants = Commode Doors (J.D. Berry) Lionel Richies x I'll Halve Another = 1.5 Times a Lady (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) SAT on a Tuffet x Ramen Numerals = Testing I, II, III (Becky V. Fisher, Madison, Wis., a First Offender) Keith Mooning x No Ship, Sherlock = The Who Dunnit (Steve Price, New York) La Femme Makita x Where Are My Pants = Ryobi/GYN (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Prig Latin x Kiss My Ascot = Orje-jay Ill-way (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) No x Tipper Over = oN (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Craig Dykstra) Sex Fifth Avenue x Prig Latin = Libid. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria, Va.) Pork Avenue x Summa Cum Loud = Jimmy Dean's List (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Pork Avenue x Two Dollar Hose = Bangers and Rash (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) Amish Stripper x Rowed to Damascus = In Syria's Trouble (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Sex Fifth Avenue x SAT on a Tuffet = The Naked Settee (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) Yo, I Got Immunity x Take a Stab at It = Mock the Knife (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) Two Dollar Hose x 20,000 Leaks = $50 Soaker Hose (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Never Felt Beta x Yankee Doodled = Gamma Moses (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Paul Bunion x Forest Grump = The Lore Axe (Sammy Thompson, Cary, N.C.; Eric Fritz, Silver Spring, Md.) Om Depot x Rowed to Damascus = Swami River (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Butt Kraken x Luxury Cubicle = Corner Orifice (Charles Trahan, Jessup, Md.) Pork Avenue x Matzo Ballistic = Leviticussed (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Amish Stripper x 20,000 Leaks = Colander Girl(Dudley Thompson) J. Paul Yeti x Simon Cowl = Abominable Showman (Lawrence McGuire; Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa; Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) J. Paul Yeti x Paul Bunion = Abominable Toeman (Chris Doyle) J. Paul Yeti x Raining Buckets = Abominable Eauman (Steve Honley) 20,000 Leaks x Never Felt Beta = Psis of Relief (Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.) Pate Pending X 20,000 Leaks = Liver and Onions (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Fairway to Heaven x Ambassadork = Green With Envoy (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Auto Eroticism x Amish Stripper = LookUnderTheBonnet (Dudley Thompson) Deep Throat x Amish Stripper = Hoarse and Buggy (Susan Thompson) Amish Stripper x Summa Cum Loud = Wild Hautes (Jonathan Paul) Henry Kissing Her x Appian Carefree = It's Loverly (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) No Ship, Sherlock x Auto Eroticism = Arthur Onan Doyle (Chris Doyle) Auto Eroticism x La Femme Makita = Peter O-Tool (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Auto Eroticism x Just First Base = Really Unlucky (Jeremy Levin, Washington) Deep Throat x Auto Eroticism = Because He Can (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.; Harvey Smith) eLope x Elle Was Taken = ope (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) Four Part Homily x Fairway to Heaven = Fore N Brimstone (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Forest Grump x I'll Halve Another = A Grouse Divided (Lawrence McGuire) Greet the Nude A x Matzo Ballistic = Naked Launch (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) Greet the Nude A x I'll Halve Another = Schlong of Solomon (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Summa Cum Loud x I'll Halve Another = What She's Halving (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Luxury Cubicle x Fairway to Heaven = Coroner Office (Suzanne S. Moseman, Minneapolis) Muir Cowbell x Just First Base = Don'tFeelTheReaper (Jonathan Hardis) Om Depot x Ramen Numerals = Chants-n-Counters (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Praise the Ford! x Tipper Over = Edsel Roll (Ellen Raphaeli) Pate Pending x Do Wit Yourself = Do Wig Yourself (Craig Dykstra) Where Are My Pants x Pork Avenue = Moon Over My Hammy (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Kneel Diamond x Pork Avenue = A Ham I Said (Rob Wolf) Still running — deadline Monday night — is the compare-or-contrast contest; see wapo.st/inv972. The "unlucky-in-love" horses for Week 973: Afford Big Blue Spirit Bodemeister Boltzapper Castaway Chief Gaga Cigar Street Cozzetti Creative Cause Currency Swap Done Talking Dullahan El Padrino Fly Lexis Fly Fox Rules Full Cry Got What Hansen Jake Mo Lasso Lemon Juice Lime Drop Kid Optimizer Prospective Sabercat Sensor Stereo in Motion Take Charge Indy Teeth of the Dog The Caller Trinniberg Went the Day Well Zetterholm Next week: Couple It, or bAArds ====================================================================== WEEK 974, published June 3, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 974 Eat our dust By Pat Myers Mr. Hitchcock kept fans on their toes By the offbeat locations he chose. But who would have guessed That for "North by Northwest" He would pick poor George Washington's nose? (Jay Livingston, New York Magazine Competition, 1982) This week's contest marks a particularly delicious milestone for us: We've just outrun the 973 installments of the renowned New York Magazine Competition, the contest that the Empress's predecessor, the Czar, ripped off in the sincerest form of flattery when he created the Style Invitational back in 1993. That contest, run by the famed Mary Ann Madden, was retired in 2000, but since then we've continued to redo several of its contests — and happily provide a new outlet for some of its best contestants, such as Chris Doyle. It was Chris who remembered the contest we present this week in NYM's honor; it was initially suggested by rookie phenom Loser Robert Schechter: Write a limerick humorously describing a book, play, movie or TV show. See wapo.st/limrules for our guidelines on writing limericks. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins — and this is the sort of thing that sets our contest apart from the refined Ms. Madden's — a very special leather coin purse, donated by Dave Letizia and made in Australia. It's very special because it's made from a kangaroo pouch — a male kangaroo pouch. It is entirely seamless. It looks something like this one. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the new, ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 11; results published July 1 (online June 29). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 974" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart;the alternative headline for the "Next week" line is by Craig Dykstra. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . Report from Week 970, in which we asked you to pair a line from a famous poem with a second line of your own. Fabulous entries, many from well-known light-verse poets who are becoming first-time Losers. Many more of these are in the online Invite. Click on the poets' names below to see the original poems. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Since there's no help, come, let us kiss and part; I read Dave Barry books, and you read Sartre. ( Michael Drayton , 1563-1631/ Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 2. Winner of the Lil William (Shakespeare) "posable figure": Funny — to be a Century — and see the People going by And scream at them, "Get off my lawn!" and stare them down with evil eye. (Emily Dickinson/Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 3. In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree. "No auto elevator? Gosh! That's not a house for Ann and me." (Samuel Taylor Coleridge/Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 4. Much have I travell'd in the realms of gold And will again, when I get paroled. (John Keats/Mary E. Moore, Gladwyne, Pa., a First Offender) Poetry in demotion: Honorable mentions They flee from me, that sometime did me seek. My Arrid Extra Dry ran out this week. (Thomas Wyatt/Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) The caged bird sings with a fearful trill As Katy Perry often will. (Maya Angelou/Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) It is an ancient Mariner, and he stoppeth one of three, And he said, "They called me A-Rod, then found steroids in my pee." (Coleridge/Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me. He thinks I'm in al-Qaeda, and reports to Leon P. (Robert Louis Stevenson/Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) No man is an island, entire of itself: He is, at most, a pimple on the continental shelf. (John Donne/Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Peace, peace! He is not dead, he doth not sleep; Please leave your name and number at the beep. (Percy Bysshe Shelley/Brendan Beary) We have lingered in the chambers of the sea To have an unsuspected silent pee. (T.S. Eliot/Basil Ransome-Davies, Lancaster, England, a First Offender) How do I love thee? Let me count the ways .?.?. Should we count the lies or just the lays? (Elizabeth Barrett Browning/Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) And all should cry, Beware! Beware! His flashing eyes, his floating hair! But I was brave, and then and there, I chopped it off! Now his head's bare. — M. Romney, Cranbrook School (Coleridge/Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va., a First Offender) I wandered lonely as a cloud From which no downloads are allowed. ( William Wordsworth/Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it: Do pay some heed to the speed at which you spin it. (Rudyard Kipling/ Konrad Schwoerke, Chapel Hill, N.C.) O Captain! My Captain! our fearful trip is done. "Stay aboard," Schettino said. "This lifeboat holds just one." (Walt Whitman/Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) When you are old and grey and full of sleep, They'll make your biopic with Meryl Streep. (W.B. Yeats/Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) I think I should have loved you presently, But your stench preceded effervescently.(Edna St. Vincent Millay/Kate Fitzgerald, Annapolis, Md., a First Offender) I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. That is why they put the sharp knives out of reach. (T.S. Eliot/Terry Reimer, Frederick, Md., a First Offender) Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; I SAID: "Don't cut that cake until it's cold!" ( William Butler Yeats / Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A shudder in the loins engenders there, So don't keep ice cream in your underwear. (Yeats/Kevin Dopart, Washington) Drinke to me, onely, with thine eyes And you won't have to Breathalyze. (Ben Jonson/Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario) Drinke to me, onely, with thine eyes, Unlesse thou offeres up thy thighs. (Ben Jonson/Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) For God's sake hold your tongue and let me love The money that I robbed my clients of. (John Donne/Mae Scanlan, Washington) The paths of glory lead but to the grave, So what's the point of trying to behave? (Thomas Gray/Jan D. Hodge, Sioux City, Iowa, a First Offender) Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May; Her mother's off to buy a bra today. (Shakespeare/David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Slowly, silently now, the moon Shows full; oh, raise those trousers soon! (Walter de la Mare/ Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) The world is too much with us; late and soon, It's time to build a town up on the moon. — N. Gingrich (Wordsworth/ Robert Schechter) Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free Are out of favor with the GOP. (Emma Lazarus/Chris O'Carroll, Emporia, Kan., a First Offender) Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December: Bridges burned I to an ember, texting my distinguished member. (Edgar Allan Poe/Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. Go away! I need no caulking, nor whatever else you're hawking! And if it's religious squawking, I have heard it all before! (Poe/Nan Reiner) "The time has come," the Walrus said, "To make the world think Paul is dead." (Lewis Carroll/Chris Doyle) In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree. Said Donald Trump, "That joint's a dump! I'll build one bigger — named for me. " (Coleridge/Cy Gardner, Arlington, Va.) There goes the Wapiti -- Get off my proppiti. (Ogden Nash/Travis McKinney, San Antonio, a First Offender) When the frost is on the punkin and the fodder's in the shock, It's time to take your meds, because you're talking baby-talk. (James Whitcomb Riley/ Frank Osen) And on the pedestal these words appear: "Yo, Ozymandias, Kilroy was here!" (Shelley/Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario) They also serve who only stand and wait, But none of them's been left a tip to date. (John Milton/Bill Greenwell, Darlington, England, a First Offender) Rarely, rarely comest thou; Dr. Ruth will see you now. (Shelley/ Chris Doyle) I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree. My creditors and former wives are catching up with me. (Yeats/ J.D. Smith, Washington, a First Offender) Water, water every where, and all the boards did shrink. But Cheney said, "We're still not done! Go dunk him in the sink!" (Coleridge/Christopher Lamora) To me, fair friend, you never can be old, Plus, you've had lots of work done, truth be told. (Shakespeare/Brendan Beary) Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore: "Will my best (my anguished query) "lose again to Brendan Beary?" "Yes," a voice; "His work's superi-or to yours on every score." (Edgar Allan Poe/Nan Reiner) Who will believe my verse, in time to come, Was used for something so completely dumb? (William Shakespeare/Brian Allgar, Paris, a First Offender) All hope abandon, ye who enter here: Unless ye bow to kiss the Empress' rear. (Dante/Ann Martin) Next week: Double Booking, or Tome and Tome Again ====================================================================== WEEK 975, published June 10, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 975 Gone mything Pat Myers for The Washington Post School food: It is NOT true that the noodles that the cafeteria ladies serve on Wednesday are made of tapeworm poop. The Post's Sunday opinion section, Outlook, runs an ongoing feature called 5 Myths, in which an essayist presents what he says are five common misconceptions about some topic and then explains (or argues) why each isn't true. This week, at the suggestion of Loser Ward Kay: "Debunk" a "Sixth Myth" about one or more of these recent 5 Myths topics, as in the example above. Our list starts with "The Bust That Will Follow the Boom(ers)," a 2008 5 Myths piece by Russell Beland, the No. 1 Style Invitational Loser of All Time, who moonlights at the Pentagon as deputy assistant secretary of the Navy for military personnel policy. • The bust that will follow the boom(ers) • Breast-feeding • White people • America's decline • Female voters • Water • Super PACs • Cheating • The presidency • The American Dream • Abraham Lincoln • School food Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins an especially distinguished navy blue T-shirt with a giant yellow Spam logo and a photo of a hunk of Spam pretending to be a roast ham, spiked with cloves and everything. Donated by Dudley Thompson. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the new, ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 18; results published July 8 (online July 6). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 975" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Roy Ashley; the alternative headline in the "Next week" line was submitted separately by Christopher Lamora and Tom Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . Report from Week 971, in which we asked you to create a two-volumes-in-one book by pairing an actual title with another real title or a fictional one: "A Confederacy of Dunces" was bound with just about everyone's particular favorite organization to disparage; "To Kill a Mockingbird" was often matched with "101 Unusual Poultry Recipes." The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Front cover: "An Unfinished Life: John F. Kennedy, 1917-1963" Back cover: "A Totally Finished Life: John R. Edwards 1953-Who Cares" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) 2. Winner of the anatomically correct "she-cozy": "Catch-22," by Joseph Heller/ "Drop 23," by Santana Moss (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) 3."Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother"/ "What to Expect When You're Expecting Too Much" (Carol Applegate, Reston, Va., a First Offender) 4. Bill Clinton: "My Life" / "The Adventures of Captain Underpants" (Les Greenblatt, Ann Arbor, Mich.) From bad to verso: honorable mentions TWO REAL BOOKS "The Euro Crash: The European Time Bomb"/ "Angela's Ashes" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) "The Golden Apples of the Sun"/ "The World's Best Nude Beaches and Resorts" (Dion Black, Washington) "The Book of Senior Moments"/ "The Book of Senior Moments" (Jayne Osborn, Wellingborough, England, a First Offender) "What to Expect When You're Expecting"/ "Pain" (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) "Pork Chop Hill"/ "Congressional Procedures and the Policy Process" (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) "Pain Free: A Revolutionary Method for Stopping Chronic Pain"/ "Invitation to a Beheading" (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) "The Lovely Bones"/ "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Model" (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) "Dances With Wolves"/ "The Idiot" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) "Above Washington: Aerial Photographs of the District of Columbia"/ "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" (Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv) "50 Shades of Grey"/ "How I Met Your Mother" (Jim Ward, Alexandria, Va.; Ruthie Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla., a First Offender) "The Fellowship of the Ring"/ "The Essential Guide to Gay Weddings" (Chris Williams, Herndon, Va., a First Offender) "Prostitution Policy Reform in the UK"/ "What Ho, Jeeves" (Brendan Beary) "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"/ "Code of Federal Regulations Title 41, 301-74: Conference Planning" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "The House at Pooh Corner"/ "Plumbing: 22 Easy Fix-It Repairs" (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) "The Naked and the Dead"/ "Great Parties: The Best of Martha Stewart Living" (John Shea, Philadelphia) "The Hunger Games"/ "Mastering Pac-Man" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) "Scouting for Boys," by Lord Baden-Powell/ "Looking for Mr. Goodbar," by Judith Rossner (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) "History of Ancient Civilization" / "MS-DOS for Dummies" (Paul Burnham) "Anna Karenina" / "The Little Engine That Could" (Mae Scanlan, Washington) "Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus"/ "Battlefield Earth" (Jeff Contompasis) "Going Rogue"/ "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) "How to Write 'How-To' Books and Articles"/ "How to Write 'How to Write "How-To" Books and Articles' Books and Articles" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) "One Hundred Years of Solitude," by Gabriel Garcia Marquez/ "If I Did It," by O.J. Simpson (John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.) "Sh!" by Doug Evans/ "It" by Stephen King (Dion Black) A REAL BOOK PLUS A FAKE TITLE "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo"/ "The Middle-Aged Divorcee With the Sagging Jowly Fat Salamander-Looking Tattoo" (Cy Gardner, Arlington, Va.) "Three Cups of Tea"/ "Three .?.?. Well, Two.?.?. . Okay, Definitely ONE Cup of .?.?. umm, Hot, er, Warm Liquid" (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) "Simple and Effective Tips to Cut Your Own Hair"/ "Mitt Romney's Guide to Cutting Other People's Hair" (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) "Bossypants," by Tina Fey/ "Working for the Big Guy: My Untold Story," by Joe Biden (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) "To the Lighthouse," by Virginia Woolf/ "To the Nuthouse," by Charlie Sheen (Jeff Brechlin) "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People"/ "The 783 Habits of Highly Obsessive-Compulsive People" (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) "A Wrinkle in Time"/ "Linen Clocks: The Downside" (Diego Pedulla-Smith, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) "The Naked Ape"/ "Honey, Hand Me a Towel" (Drew Bennett) "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" and "The Yankees Are From Uranus" (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz"/ "The Horrible Wizards of D.C." (Paul Burnham) "Eat Pray Love," by Elizabeth Gilbert/ "Eat Prey Love," by Hugh Hefner (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) "Sh*t My Dad Says"/ "Shut Up My Mom Tells Him" (A.B. Gibson, Washington, a First Offender) "Peter Pan"/ "The Big Book of Cooking Utensils for Exotic Foods" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Still running — deadline is Monday night — is the Week 974 limerick contest. See wapo.st/inv974. Next Week: Trends and Neighbors, or Hoot Topics ====================================================================== WEEK 976, published June 17, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 976 Join now -- it's our build-a-neologism contest By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, June 14, 7:24 PM Lap-do: One way to deal with a hairy belly. Here's a neologism contest we used to run all the time but haven't done in years. It used to be called "Hyphen the Terrible," back before millions of people started reading The Post online, where lines don't end in hyphens. This is the 21st-century version. This week: Combine the beginning and end of any two words or names in this week's Style Invitational and Style Conversational columns to make a new term, and define it, as in the example above, which combines parts of "lapse" and "outdo." Each part must have at least two letters including a vowel; you may use the ending of a word as your beginning and vice versa, but not two ends or two beginnings. The online version of the Invite, at wapo.st/inv976a, has some extra words; the Conversational is at wapo.st/conv976. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins the charming "Pat the Politician," a 2004 parody of the baby touch-book "Pat the Bunny"; in this one, you can pull Nixon's nose, read Bush's lips and touch Clinton's underpants. Donated by Roy Ashley. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt (we're phasing these out), a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 25; results published July 15 (online July 13). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 976" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "Next week" line is by Jeff Contompasis.. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 972, in which we listed 16 "trending topics" from a few weeks ago and asked you to explain how any two were alike or different: Many Losers noted that both Michael Phelps and John Edwards were associated with the breast stroke. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Michael Phelps and Bristol Palin: Each got into trouble after doing some dope. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) 2. Winner of the papier-mache surfing skeleton: John Edwards and Serena Williams: Both play a game in which love means nothing. (Edward Gordon, Austin) 3. Beethoven: Roll over. John Edwards: Heel. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 4. "Desperate Housewives" has a cast of many good-looking, complicated, disturbed, egotistical characters who cheat, lie and cover up lies. John Edwards: Cast of one. (Janice Haas, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) Subordinate conjunctions: Honorable mentions Michael Phelps can outdo any guy in the pool, while the Desperate Housewives are out to do any guy in the pool. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Beethoven, stone deaf, created serious music; Howard Stern, tone deaf, creates Sirius mucus. (Howard Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) Michael Phelps and Desperate Housewives: The latter are famous for world-record meddling. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City; Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Mark Zuckerberg created billions out of thin air; JP Morgan Chase created thin air out of billions. (William C. Kennard, Arlington, Va.) Bristol Palin is unlike John Edwards: She has a famous mother; he is one. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Beethoven and Howard Stern: Beethoven has produced fewer works titled "Butt Bongo Fiesta." (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Beethoven and John Edwards: One was a likable dog. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Bristol Palin and a jellyfish: Each is a challenging dance partner. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Mother's Day and "Game of Thrones": One you get breakfast in bed; with the other you get breakfast inbred. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) iPod and jellyfish: When you get in the water, you don't want to find either one in your swimsuit. (Beverley Sharp) Michael Phelps generates fast times in pools; Howard Stern generates a pastime for fools. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Yemen is known for her Red Sea, whereas John Edwards is known for his scarlet A. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.; Christopher Lamora) Robert Pattinson: vampire. "Desperate Housewives": vamp ire. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Mother's Day: Send a card to your mom. Bristol Palin: A mom who gets carded. (Larry Yungk) Jellyfish and JPMorgan Chase: Contact with either causes irritation, and both might sting you when you are not paying attention. But the jellyfish is more transparent. (Daniel McMahon, Hyattsville, Md., a First Offender) JPMorgan Chase lost $2 billion in derivatives. Mark Zuckerberg lost $2 billion in his couch. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Same-sex marriages, John Edwards: Edwards leads 1-0 in the number of traditional marriages destroyed. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Robert Pattinson vs. JPMorgan Chase: Pattinson just pretends to be a bloodsucker. (Kevin Dopart) Michael Phelps: Laps. John Edwards: Lapses. (Brendan Beary; Christopher Lamora) "Desperate Housewives" and JPMorgan Chase? There's apparently no accounting for either. (Brendan Beary) Robert Pattinson and John Edwards: Both have characters that suck. (Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.) Beethoven vs. Howard Stern: One held the baton while conducting "Eroica," the other while reading erotica. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Both JPMorgan Chase and Mark Zuckerberg have lost billions of dollars recently, but Zuckerberg should be okay: He married a doctor. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Still running — deadline Monday night — is the Week 975 "Sixth Myth" contest. See wapo.st/inv975. Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational (published Fridays), where the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. Next Week: A Real Triple Crown, or Threeplaying the Ponies ====================================================================== WEEK 977, published June 24, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 977: Lost in Translation 2.0 By Pat Myers, June 20 Original: I keep my food fresh with preservatives. Translated into French and then back to English: 2004 result: I preserve my fresh food with condoms. 2012 result: I keep my food fresh with conservatives. In 2004, a few months into her reign, the Empress put up a contest that got what might have been our largest response ever: Contestants had to choose some passage of text and translate it into one of five languages with Google's translating tool — then enter that foreign-language result through the same tool, and ask it to be translated into English. The results were hilariously incompetent; "linguists, you won't soon be replaced by a machine," the E predicted. Eight years later, Google Translate (translate.google.com) does a far, far better job; many of the passages used in the 2004 contest translate back and forth without a hitch now. But there are many more languages to try — 60, from Afrikaans to Yiddish — and as you can see from the example above, there's still room for comical error. So: This week: Translate a line of text from English into another language using Google Translate; then copy that result and translate it back into English. You may also make intermediate steps into one or more other languages. Show us both the original and the final lines, of course, and the language you used. (You don't have to show us the line in the foreign language.) If I can't duplicate the process, I won't run your entry. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a ceramic mug evidently designed to hold dairy beverages, given that it features a three-dimensional voluptuous, perky, tan-lined human, er, udder. Donated by Nan Reiner. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt (we're phasing these out), a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 2; results published July 22 (online July 20). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 977" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Mae Scanlan; the alternative headline in the "Next Week" line is by Edward Gordon. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 973, our first shot at a third "Triple Crown" foal name contest, in which entrants could "breed" only the horses that didn't get ink in the first contest, plus horses that ran in the actual races but weren't on our first list. For a field of just a couple of dozen horses instead of the initial 100, a fine run indeed. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Castaway x Full Cry = Jonah and the Wail (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2. Winner of the battery-powered toilet handle/night light: Currency Swap x Lasso = Loan Some Cowboy (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) 3. El Padrino x Stereo in Motion = iPodrino (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) 4. Sensor x Big Blue Spirit = Eye Beam of Genie (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) Horse do-overs: Honorable mentions Fox Rules x Prospective = Cunning Attraction (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) Stereo in Motion x Sabercat = Moves Like Jaguar (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) Creative Cause x Teeth of the Dog = Big Fang Theory (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Castaway x Fox Rules = Ginger Ailes (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Lime Drop Kid x Castaway = Dessert Island (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.; Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) Castaway x Full Cry = Robinson Caruso (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) Cigar Street x Castaway = Butt Out (Charles Mann, Falls Church, Va.; Roy Ashley, Washington) Sabercat x Chief Gaga = Poke Her Face (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.; Fred Dixon, New Market, Md., a First Offender) Stereo in Motion x Chief Gaga = TweeterLikeALady (Judy Blanchard) Afford x Teeth of the Dog = Discount Dentures (Tonda Phalen, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender; Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Full Cry x Afford = Cry Me a Flivver (Harold Mantle) Afford x Sabercat = Put It on My Tabby (Judy Blanchard) Fly Lexis Fly x Afford = Fly Yugo Fly (Cheryl Davis, Arlington, Va.) El Padrino x Afford = Brando X (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) El Padrino x Big Blue Spirit = Godpapa Smurf (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Big Blue Spirit x Lemon Juice = Djinn with a Twist (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Boltzapper x Done Talking = Bye, Jove (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Boltzapper x Fox Rules = High Doltage (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Cigar Street x The Caller = Panatelamarketer (Chris Doyle) Boltzapper x Creative Cause = Pop Goes My Easel (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Currency Swap x Optimizer = Perfectly Franc (Steve Price, New York) El Padrino x Currency Swap = Capo and Trade (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Fox Rules x Full Cry = Telly Ho (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) El Padrino x Fly Lexis Fly = The Godfeather (Michael Innis, Washington, a First Offender) Lemon Juice x Lime Drop Kid = Sauerbrat (Susan Vavrick, Springfield) Stereo in Motion x Full Cry = Panasonic Boom (Kevin Dopart) Lime Drop Kid x Got What = Lime Drops (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.) Take Charge Indy x Fox Rules = All Right Turns (Rob Wolf) Lime Drop Kid x Lasso = 7-Earp (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Lemon Juice x Lime Drop Kid = Sierra Mister (Lynne Larkin, Glenn Dale, Md.; Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.) El Padrino x Went the Day Well = Yoda Juan (Steve Honley, Alexandria, Va.) Prospective x Afford = Future Shack (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Fox Rules x Big Blue Spirit = Rude Indigo (Harold Mantle) Currency Swap x Chief Gaga = Drachma Queen (Steve Price) Teeth of the Dog x Fly Lexis Fly = Pugasus (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) The Caller x Done Talking = Dialed "M" (Kathleen Schindler, Chapel Hill, N.C., a First Offender) The Caller x Take Charge Indy = Harassin' Ford (Mike Gips) Lime Drop Kid x Lasso = 7-Earp (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Fox Rules x Done Talking = Start Spinning (Gary Crockett) Still running — deadline Monday night — is the Week 976 "Join Now" neologism contest. See wapo.st/inv976a. Next week's results: Eat Our Dust! or New York Minuet ====================================================================== WEEK 978, published July 1, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 978: Am iamb Putting it in re-verse By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, June 28, 6:00 PM To Washington and Its Nationals First in war and first in peace, it's said — Worst in baseball? That trope now is dead. A couple of weeks ago when I was judging the close to 1,000 limericks submitted for Week 974 (some featured on this page, more online), I found myself talking all the time in the Hickory-Dickory-Dock rhythm that forms the bulk of a limerick — "I'd LIKE a McCHICKen with FRIES;/ See, I'm LOOKing to FATten my THIGHS .?.?." (This is why the Empress tends to dine alone.) Anyway, I need to get a different rhythmic earworm, so we're switching to duple meter this month. Here's a form called "framed couplets," introduced to me by light-verse writer Madeleine Begun Kane and coined by poet Hector Gutierrez: Write a short verse about something that's been in the news recently, as in the example above by Versifier-on-Retainer Gene Weingarten. You may add a title. 1. The poem must be either a couplet (two rhyming lines, "AA") or two couplets ("AA/BB"). 2. Each line starts with an accented syllable and runs for nine syllables in an iambic meter: BA-da-BA-da-BA-da-BA-da-BA. 3. The FIRST syllables of each couplet also rhyme with each other. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins the novel "Doctor Proctor's Fart Powder: Bubble in the Bathtub," donated by 11-year-old Loser scion Saralinda Contompasis, who found it entirely too juvenile and clearly better suited to her father's crowd. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 9; results published July 29 (online July 207. No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 978" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "Next Week" line is by Tom Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 974, in which we asked for limericks about a play, book, movie or TV show: We had so many fine entries that we might also run more of them later this summer. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Why does Greece's Odysseus roam For so long while Penelope's home? It could be he won't ask For directions — a task That's too tough for his Y-chromosome. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2. Winner of the kangaroo-scrotum coin purse: "Forrest Gump" When viewed with objective lucidity, This film is of doubtful validity Because it's notorious For saying it's glorious To live a life based on stupidity. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) 3. "Pride and Prejudice" (1995) Miss Elizabeth Bennet's low birth, No connections and little net worth, Mom a twit, sis a skank — It's a stretch (let's be frank) To suggest she could land Colin Firth. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 4. "Psycho" At the end, when the cops finally come, All the murder and gore leaves them numb. From the way Norman's dressed, They can tell that he's stressed; Does he talk? No, he's just keeping mum. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Po'witry: Honorable mentions "Survivor" Contestants from Nome to Hoboken Will vie for a totem or token. It may defy reason — Its 20th season! The upshot: The tripe has now spoken. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) "Showgirls" Though it won neither plaudits nor gongs, And for critics' acclaim it still longs, Let those killjoys cry, "Boo!" I'm applauding the view Of a few of my favorite thongs. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) "Titanic" (I) We've got lovers whom death cannot sever! And a villain who's scheming and clever! And a ship whose demise Will bring tears to your eyes! Oh, a script? Okay, yeah, sure, whatever. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) "The Crying Game" A terrorist who fled the scene is Quite drawn to a bar-singing Venus. But the guy is dismayed When he tries to get laid And discovers the girl has a [DELETED BECAUSE OF SPOILER]. (Marion Shore, Belmont, Mass., a First Offender) "Moby-Dick" There once was a man from Nantucket Whose whaling ship ran out of luck; it Took on the white whale And in one epic fail, Every sailor but one kicked the bucket. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Caltech's a big deal on TV, And its physicist-nerds are the key. "The Big Bang Theory" speaks In the language of geeks: PhD = BMOC. (Chris Doyle) "Guys and Dolls" How go things in Noo Yawk? Nicely-nicely. Guys shoot craps; dolls perform very spicily. Ad loves Nate; Sarah, Sky. Each ends up with her guy. Is that cheesy? It's Broadway. Precisely! (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) "I Dream of Jeannie" The love life of a brave astronaut'll Be something a blond babe who's hot'll Enhance. She'll entrance If she wears harem pants, Calls him "Master" and lives in a bottle. (Chris O'Carroll, Pelham, Mass.) "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" Do you know why the sisters Kardashian Have a show that they're paid to look trashy in? The answer is sad: The world has gone mad, And talent has grown out of fashi-on. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) "Gone With the Wind" Well, the film goes its windy old way, And it ends with a lousy cliche: Should we laugh or feel sorrow To learn that "tomorrow Is a-" (would you believe?) "-nother day"? (Brian Allgar, Paris) "Titanic" (II) The Titanic, they said, was unsinkable. But there weren't enough lifeboats—unthinkable! From that wreck came a flick In the genre of "chick".?.?. It's too bad that it wasn't unstinkable. (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) "Charlotte's Web" In this timeless and heartwarming story, A pig learns his future looks gory. Through designs of her makin', A bug saves his bacon— But alas, she gets none of the glory. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) "Two and a Half Men" Charlie Sheen plays a drunk who is past His best years, and his star's fading fast. As a middle-aged boozer And skirt-chasing loser, This actor was perfectly cast. (Robert Schechter) "Jersey Shore" There once was a starlet named Snooki Who loved to play loose with her nooki. But what was she thinking When bingeing on drinking While baking her own little cookie? (Colleen Murphy, Kensington, Conn., a First Offender) "The Godfather" It's Mario Puzo you'll choose For a novel that won't make you snooze. His writing's unique — Or in godfather-speak, He's an author you just can't refuse. (Chris Doyle) Now in hindsight it's clear that they really Could have made a superior "Gigli" By replacing its actors With aardvarks or tractors While they did the whole thing in Swahili. (Ken Kaufman, Derwood, Md.) In "J. Edgar," the story line said That the ruthlessly bare-knuckled Fed Looked for clues from both G-men And afternoon-tea-men, Then pursued them wherever they led. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) But the rest takes obsession to sort 'er. Are straightforward, all right, All the scenes black and white Has baffled this theater supporter. "Memento's" unusual order. (Stephen Gilberg, Washington) "Flipper" A knock-off of "Lassie" is hell When it's under the water you dwell. Getting help is a bust When you find that you must Stay with Timmy inside of the well. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) I picked up an old Gray's Anatomy, So valued within the academy. And there I discovered, On each page, there hovered A picture of each this-and-that o' me! (Mae Scanlan, Washington) "The Great Gatsby": My students have barreled Through the text. Though I frequently herald The writing and plot, To each student, it's naught But the wreck of the F. Scott Fitzgerald. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) "The Princess Bride" Buttercup, Humperdinck's prize, Thought Wesley had met his demise. He fought for her tresses With R.O.U.S.es — She never saw through his disguise?!? (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) "Sweeney Todd" A deranged Fleet Street barber, so nasty, Slashed the throats of his clients so fast he Supplied Mrs. Lovett With morsels she'd covet To spice up each victim-filled pasty. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) "Groundhog Day" A man in an unredeemed state Whose clock never changes its date Lays on charm with a trowel And wins Andie McDowell, Which suggests that it's never too late. (Jerome Betts, Torquay, England, a First Offender) "In the Line of Fire" With a nut out there trying to shoot a Sitting president, none would dispute a Secret Service man's task Is protection; don't ask If he nailed some Colombian puta. (Brendan Beary) "Waiting for Godot" I'm so bored I could slash both my wrists, Yet this infinite waiting persists. At the second act's curtain We're still far from certain This Godot dude even exists. (Andrew Burnet, Edinburgh, Scotland) "An Andalusian Dog" "Un Chien Andalou" wins the prize For cutting the smug down to size. Just say, "Hello, Dali!" To this Buñuel folly.(But don't forget — cover your eyes!) (Miles Moore, Alexandria, Va.) And Last: Compilations of New York Magazine Competition entries New York Mag has its "Giant Sea Tortoise"; Why don't we have a book to record us? We'll just print what's refined, Cut the scat--.?.?. Never mind. Nothing left. Best the public ignored us. (Nan Reiner) Next week's results: Going Mything, or Crocktales ====================================================================== WEEK 979, published July 8, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 979 The madding crowd By Pat Myers, Thursday, July 5, 1:43 PM If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." Joining one of the zillion ongoing discussions on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook, Loser David Genser — who'd amassed more than 300 blots of Invitational ink before making himself scarce for a full decade, then came roaring back last summer — said he thought "the competition is better now, being on-line and worldwide. Also, the contests tend to be harder. More verse. More complex rules. Less ba-da-boom one-liners." But we certainly don't want to short-shrift our ba-da-booms. This week, a contest as straightforward as they come, based on a list the Empress saw, uncredited, on StumbleUpon.com that she knew the Losers would improve on immeasurably: Suggest funny, original ways to tick people off, as in the examples above from that list. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, appropriately, a keychain called Annoying Orange; you push a little button and the little, nastily grinning fruit yells at you. Wait, there's more! We'll also throw in Lil' Stinker Bubbles: "Blow bubbles that reek!" It comes in three varieties; this one is Tommy Toilet. Donated ages ago by Peter Metrinko. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 16; results published Aug. 5 (online Aug. 3). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 979" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 975, in which we asked you to debunk a "Sixth Myth" in one of a dozen topics that have been featured in the "5 Myths" essays of The Post's Sunday opinion section, Outlook: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial White people: White people don't lack rhythm, they just hear a different drummer — and HE lacks rhythm. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 2. Winner of the Spam T-shirt featuring a Spam "ham": Cheating: Students caught cheating at Harvard Business School are NOT immediately offered positions in the banking industry. They got CAUGHT, for crying out loud. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) 3. School food: It is not true that the USDA ever counted ketchup as a vegetable. However, the school lunch program does classify school paste as a grain. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) 4. The American Dream: It is not uniquely American. People in all countries sometimes dream they've accidentally gone to school without putting any clothes on. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Mythellaneous: Honorable mentions WHITE PEOPLE: White people don't really have smaller butts; they just look that way because of the clenching. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) — We also clap and dance and sing loudly in church. But only when we see on our phones that our hockey team scored a goal. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) — White people can jump, but they are held down by the force of gravitas. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) — White people can dance — who do you think invented the Hokey Pokey? (Roy Ashley, Washington) — It is NOT true that white men can't jump. Try popping a balloon behind one when he's about to putt. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) — White people do NOT get all the ink in the Style Invitational. (Dion Black, Washington) FEMALE VOTERS: Female voters do NOT spend hours in the voting booth trying on different candidates. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) — It is not true that female voters tend to vote for the best-looking politician. Rather, they prefer those who offer the most weight loss. (Mark L. Reese Jr., Springfield, Va., a First Offender) — It has never been proved that most female voters opt for the man with the biggest feet. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) ABRAHAM LINCOLN: It is not true that Lincoln changed his name from Abdul to Abraham to get the Jewish vote. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) — Despite the billions of likenesses produced, Lincoln's skin did not have a shiny coppery tone. (Larry Yungk) — Lincoln never actually considered Ron Paul for a Cabinet post. Paul did, however, get a good speaking slot at the 1864 GOP convention. (David Genser) — It is untrue that public sentiment turned against Lincoln after he had a horse buggy lift installed in the White House. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) — It is not true that Abraham Lincoln wore a stovepipe hat to cover up his Mohawk. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) SCHOOL FOOD: It is a falsehood that school lunches are reprocessed leftovers from airline meals. In fact, they are leftovers from hospitals. (Robert Schechter) — It is not true that every time a student drops his cafeteria tray, a teacher gets her horns. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) — It is untrue that what is labeled as veal cutlets in school cafeterias are actually elephant scabs. They are rhinoceros scabs. (Edward Gordon, Austin) — It's not true that school menus are determined by their nutritive value. Having poor ballistics is also a major criterion. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) WATER: Calling water "dihydrogen monoxide" does NOT make you sound smarter. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) — It's a myth that Evian was named as a backward spelling of "naive" by marketing people who were gloating that consumers would pay good money for a product they could get for free inside their own homes by turning a knob. (Mel Loftus, Alexandria, Va.) — Water does NOT seek its own level. It seeks the level of your only genuine Oriental rug. (Barry Koch) BREAST-FEEDING: It is not true that Christina Hendricks's baby almost died from overfeeding. However, her husband was nearly asphyxiated on several occasions. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) — It is not true that New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg decreed that women may no longer nurse their babies with giant sodas. (Sally Sieracki, Fairfax, Va.) — There actually is no conclusive data showing that babies breast-fed in public will develop an aversion to men with cellphone cameras. (Larry Yungk) — It's a popular but unfounded myth that breast-feeding is explicitly condemned in Leviticus as an "abomination." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) CHEATING: It is not true that the increased influence of corporations in America has had a negative impact on the Supreme CourtTM. (Les Greenblatt, Ann Arbor, Mich.) — It is NOT cheating to submit a self-referential entry such as this one and win a prize even though it is not actually a joke. (Robert Schechter) SUPER PACS:It is NOT true that a Super PAC, despite being considered a person under the Citizens United ruling, was turned away from the polls in Florida because it could not produce a picture ID. (Robert Schechter) AMERICA'S DECLINE: This myth should be self-evident: Regardless of how foolish it is, when have Americans declined anything? (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) — America's decline did not in fact begin during the George W. Bush administration. The Style Invitational was first published in 1993. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Next week's results: Join Now, or Wit to Be Tied ====================================================================== WEEK 980, published July 15, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 980 Def Jam By Pat Myers, Thursday, July 12, 1:19 PM As always with our perennial Join Now neologism contests, Week 976 provided lots of funny combinations of parts of words to make new ones, as you'll see from this week's results. And also as always, the Empress received dozens of entries in which the new word was nifty but the accompanying definition a bit niftless. This week we're going to do a little crowdsourcing: Supply a humorous definition for any of these promising Loser-penned neologisms. You may add a hyphen if you like, wherever you like. Keep in mind that because we're working from only a few dozen words, many entries are sure to have the same general idea. So the ink will flow to the best-written ones; using the word in a funny sentence might help (using the word in an unfunny sentence will not). Lafado • Polikin • Beerate • Briswards • Egotor • Manese • Funassiere • Laffast • Medpics • Nixotica • Butthoven • Irritaparent • Punative • Flattivist • Humsic • Hypire • Underuck • Egofast • Hyphoon • Wecation • Mentra • Egoperate • Egojunctions • Harpoonerisms • Ignorent • Polititithing • Diffecation • Prevolving • Neonated • biPod • Frankenfriendly • Punfail • Losery • Incache • Twithy • Beemen • Genew Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a very cute little foam-stuffed black-and-white cat. It's slightly different from most toy cats, though: this one has a Velcro-attachable head, with a blood-red neck area. It's called Stress Relief Kitty. See, it's relaxing to carefully put the head on. Donated by Andrea Kelly. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 23; results published Aug. 12 (online Aug. 10). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 980" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Jeff Contompasis; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.. Report from Week 976, in which we asked you to combine the beginning of one word or name appearing in that week's Style Invitational or Style Conversational with the end of another word to make a new term: Shockingly, we got many entries featuring the syllable "poop"! The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Ignorial: A monument that nobody visits. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 2. Winner of the "Pat the Politician" parody book: Hyattsvilification: The reflexive dismissal of anything located in Prince George's County. (David Smith, formerly of Greenbelt, Md.) 3. Enthusala: A 90-year-old man on Viagra. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) 4. Bristen: To welcome an infant boy into the Jewish and Christian faiths simultaneously; also known as "Snip 'n' Dip." (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Sub-merges: Honorable mentions Eroti-tistical: "I'm sure it was good for you, too." (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Herndon, Va.) Disc-gust: The reaction of every generation to the next generation's music. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Part-protected: Unprotected. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Atchoo: The inevitable direction in which someone else sneezes. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Vow-ill: Wedding-related nerves, often accompanied by a cry of "ai-ai-ai." (Steven Alan Honley, Washington) Don-thing: A charitable name for Trump's hairdo. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Face-fax: An office prank in which the perpetrator tends to get caught. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Om-boy: A member of the Dalai Lama's posse. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Beet-head: Well, you said you hated being called "carrot top." (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Badmired: Ill-behaved yet still respected. — Bill C., Chappaqua, N.Y. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Mornication: A little something to start the day. (Larry Gray) Jeleton: The internal strength of a politician. (Brad Alexander; Sarah Gustafson, Vienna, Va., a First Offender) Charport: A house's garage after its owner tries out that new turkey fryer on a cold Thanksgiving day (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Crockney: A comically bogus East London accent, like Dick Van Dyke's in "Mary Poppins." (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Poopier-mache: Really scratchy TP. (Chris Doyle) Exwards: Where most celebrity marriages are heading. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) Ousty: In the mood to remove someone from office. "Wisconsin voters weren't as ousty as previously thought." (Jeff Contompasis) Ding-mon: Jamaican for "more cowbell." (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) Loincraft: The art of being a porn star. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Grampoo: Hair-care product that leaves your hair smelling like BenGay and boiled cabbage. (Larry Gray) Poospaper: Excreta! Excreta! Read all about it! (Larry Gray) Her-otica: "Ooh, baby, I wanna do your laundry." (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Erot-ish: PG-13. (Elva Salcedo, Williamsburg, Va., a First Offender) Memopause: When the ink in your pen dries out. (Mike Gips) Gradualate: Take seven years to get a BA. (Chris Doyle) Inkday: Every Sunday, of course. — C. Doyle (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) Next week's results: Lost in Translation 2.0, or Lingua Pranka ====================================================================== NO WEEK NUMBER; published July 22, 2012 Style Invitational Week 977 results: Twisting the tongues of Google Translate By Pat Myers , Published: July 19, 2012 You can't lose this week! That's because there's not a new contest this week. Three and a half weeks from now, the Empress will be lounging on an exotic (okay, Delaware) beach, blissfully disconnected from this newspaper's "content management system," Methode, better known within the newsroom as "that piece of [not 'blueberry pie'] Methode." And so on the weekend of Aug. 18-19, the Invite will feature some of the many worthy entries from recent contests that we didn't have room to run. So you might as well get to work instead on Week 980, which is still going on — deadline is Monday at midnight (whenever your midnight is): It's to come up with a definition for any of 30-some words that the Losers coined for the Week 976 contest — words like "twithy" and "butthoven" — neologisms for which we're certain that there are funnier, more clever definitions out there than the ones the entrants came up with themselves. See the list and the contest rules at wapo.st/inv980 . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions was submitted separately by Tom Witte, Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Kathy El-Assal. Join the very lively Facebook page Style Invitational Devotees on.fb.me/invdev for a discussion about the contests and results, along with Loserly repartee ranging from links to important news developments ("Talking urinal cakes deployed to curb drunk driving") to impromptu limericks about that night's ballgame. *Report from Week 977, in which we repeated a contest from 2004 to see how much Google's translation tool had improved: As we did then, we asked you to have Google translate some English passage of your choice into another language (there are more than 60 choices now), then have Google translate that result back into English, then guffaw over how wrong the final result was. In techno-time, of course, eight years is past "era" and into "eon." But we were still astonished how Google Translate had become almost creepily adept at this task — almost all the passages that were so comically mistranslated the first time around came out virtually identical to the originals. On top of that, it turned out that sometimes the translations of the Week 977 passages would improve a few days later. (In these cases, we honored the earlier versions.) Fortunately, we allowed an extra step this time: You could keep translating Google's translation into yet another language, and another, before returning it to English. Some of the more determined Losers telephone-gamed their passages through as may as 27 tongues. But we still found lots of gems in the plain old two-step process. All that Loserly digging turned up at least one "Easter egg," a little prank left in the coding by some wag at Google. Judy Blanchard of Novi, Mich., randomly tried out the passage "Nadal is the best player," translating it into Azerbaijani. Translated back to English, it read: "Federer is best player." So many First Offenders this week that we'll just note them with asterisks. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial* /Original:/ Flattery will get you nowhere. /Translated into Tamil, then into Swahili, then back to English: /Violence will get you anywhere. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ *2.* /Winner of the ceramic "dairy mug" that boasts a three-dimensional *human "udder" *:* / *Mitt Romney enjoys playing pranks on people. /(via Korean, Hebrew and Finnish)/ Mitt Romney was a joke. /(Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)/ *3. I ate the entire veggie platter. /(via five languages)/ I eat a vegetarian. /(Jason Talbott, Pendleton, Ore.)/ *4. I am beside myself with worry. /(via Slovak)/ I am free from fear itself./(*Lorraine Gibson, Frederick, Md.)/ *Last in translation: Honorable mentions* The bigger they are, the harder they fall. /(via Azerbaijani) /Great they are, the more they are paid. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ I hate my menses. /(via Yiddish)/ I hate my husband. /(*Rebecca Thomas, Rockville, Md.)/ I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. I'd like to buy the world a Coke, and keep it company. /(via three languages)/ I can sing harmony to the world I want to study law. I want to share, Cola Company purchased the world. /(Laurie Brink) / The Supreme Court upheld the personal insurance mandate. /(via Traditional Chinese and Basque)/ Supreme Court to get health insurance for personal tasks. /(*John Crowe, Rockville, Md.)/ In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on. /(via Dutch)/ In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. Next. /(Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.)/ Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. /(via six languages)/ Do not bathe your child. /(Kevin Dopart)/ I'm a big tough girl. /(via the Kannada language of India)/ I am a large man in a tough girl. /(*Shehzil Zahid, Islamabad, Pakistan)/ Anna will eat ice cream cones. /(via Yiddish) /Aeneas will eat ice cream enema./(Jim Newman and granddaughter Kelsey Vaughn, Luray, Va.)/ Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? /(via Tamil) /Legally married to your husband and you are the man! /(Barbara Mason, Fort Washington, Md., who got her only other Invite ink in 2005)/ Hey, hey, we're the Monkees! /(via Simplified Chinese) /Hey, hey, we urchin Choir. /(Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)/ Open the pod bay doors, HAL. /(via six languages)/ Unit barley, open the door to God./(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ He was as drunk as a skunk. /(via Kannada)/ He was drunk in America. /(Beverley Sharp)/ Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art. /(via seven languages)/ Bright Star, I want to be a graphic designer. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ Read my lips. No new taxes. /(via Greek) /Read my lips. There are new taxes. /(*Mark and Tammy Clements, Gaithersburg, Md.)/ It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Superman! /(via Azerbaijani and Vietnamese)/ He is a bird! Having this plane! This is not Superman! /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)/ I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. /(via Kannada) /I do not believe in marriage between a man and a woman. /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)/ Tit for tat /(via three languages) /Massacre /(Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)/ I am suffering from a boil on my butt. /(via four languages)/ I suffer from boiling ass. /(Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)/ Romney supports self-deportation. /(via Latin) /Romney supports his deportation./(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ A mind is a terrible thing to waste. /(via four languages) /This is an awful idea, and many eat it. /(Larry Gray)/ Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? /(via six languages) /Today, I am a bag, or just happy. /(Melissa Balmain)/ I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. /(via three languages) /Usually depends on the type of alien. /(Larry Gray)/ She'll have fun, fun, fun till her daddy takes her T-bird away. /(via four languages)/ T-bird takes his father, he was fun, fun, fun."/(*Skip Livingston, Hopewell, N.J.)/ We had intercourse. /(via Latin and Chinese)/ Sino-US trade. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ He entrances all the ladies with his magic wand. /(via French)/ He entered all the ladies with his wand. /(Jeff Contompasis)/ Your mama is so ugly even her warts have warts. /(via Slovenian) /Your mom is so ugly not even her nipples are nipples. /(Robert Schechter)/ It all depends on what "is" is. /(Latin, Chinese)/ The important thing is "yes." (/Chris Doyle)/ This sentence is made of words guaranteed to survive the most rigorous translation process. /(via 11 languages) /It is very difficult to translate words. /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ /And last:/ The Empress is a dork. /(via Simplified Chinese)/ The Empress is the very dish. (/(Chris Doyle) / ====================================================================== WEEK 981, published July 29, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 981 Feeling testy By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, July 26, 6:00 PM Entrance exam for a security guard: Q. An alarm starts blaring loudly while you are at your station. What do you do? A: Hit the snooze button. You should have a few more minutes until the next shift comes in. This week's contest, suggested by Mike Gips: Write a question that "ought to" be on a qualifying test for a particular job. You may supply a straight question with a humorous answer, as in Mike's example above, or you could put the whole joke in the question itself, such as with a funny series of multiple-choice answers. Whatever's funniest. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an extraordinarily tacky little sculpture, entirely made of seashells, of a cat (?) driving a motorcycle. Donor Nan Reiner has made it even more, um, compelling by painting "Loser" on the "license plate" and the red A of what used to be the Style Invitational print logo, embellished with flames. This is the best tacky shell sculpture we have offered as a prize since the famed "Shells Playing Poker" of 2009. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 6; results published Aug. 26 (online Aug. 24). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 981" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternate headline in the "Next Week" line is by Matt Monitto. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 978, in which we asked for news-themed "framed couplets," tiny verses with lots of rules: Each of the two or four lines had to have exactly nine syllables in the iambic (ba-DAH) meter, except that they had to start and finish with accented syllables — like all the ones in today's results. And not only did each pair of lines have to rhyme, but the first syllables of each pair had to rhyme, too. And of course, the verses had to be humorous, even if darkly so. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial GOP'ers wail about Barack: "He puts forth a socialistic crock!" Say the Dems, "Well, Mitt and Ann are snobs." Hey — do you guys have a plan for jobs?(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 2. Winner of the children's book "Doctor Proctor's Fart Powder: Bubble in the Bathtub": Obomneycare Candidate Obama can relax. "'Mandate,'?" Roberts said, "just means a tax." "Why!" cried Romney, "What you say's not so! I invented it, so I should know." (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 3. Morsi, Egypt's president, should fear: Fortune kicked Mubarak in Tahrir. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) 4. Lonesome George dies Bigger tortoise seldom will you see; Rigor mortis claimed a victory. Ran his race; his future holds no risk: An Eternal Banquet, not a bisque. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Went down in frames: Honorable mentions Monster named Sandusky in the news; Yon Ohio city has the blues. Many say to change the name they've got; Anyone for "Stalin" or "Pol Pot"? (Nan Reiner) CNN! When news breaks, we are first .?.?. Even if we get our facts reversed. Every day we ferret out the scoops .?.?. Never mind if later we say "Oops!" (Robert Schechter) "Wine, in fair amounts, may help your heart." Fine! I've had a 60-year head start. (Mae Scanlan, Washington, 1931 — ) Nik Wallenda crossed Niagara Falls; Tricky trek — the gentleman had guts. (Mae Scanlan) "Magic Mike" my good wife recommends; Bah! I don't see why — just guys' rear ends. (David Moore, Philadelphia, who last got Invite ink in 2003) Crash! Derecho fells another tree, Smashes my new car with its debris, Cuts my power off; ah, that's my luck. Nuts! Derecho's Spanish for "You suck!" (Tom Cary, Hollywood, Md., who last inked in 2005 — what's with the vacations here?) Yay, JetBlue, where prices are insane! (Maybe, too, the guy who flies your plane.) (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Mendelson to lead D.C. Council: D.C. Council chairs have played the clown: We could laugh at Downtown Kwame Brown. What a snooze we may have now with Phil, But at least his hand's not in the till. (Nan Reiner) Seventeen magazine to show teen girls "as they really are": Verbal outbursts, zits and cramps and all? Circulation's headed for a fall. (Beverley Sharp) Judge declares Zimmerman a flight risk: "Stand your ground" we heard would be his plea. Planned instead were really ways to flee. (Mary E. Moore, Gladwyne, Pa.) After 115 years together, mated Galapagos tortoises have a fight She attacked! What caused this dreadful rage? He remarked, "You know, you look your age." (Beverley Sharp) Texas GOP opposes "critical thinking" education: Texas says that thinkin' isn't right: Wrecks the need to sit 'n' be polite. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Mighty temps that melt us into blobs, Fighting over taxes, gays and jobs, Scummy ads that bolster the elite — Summer's had all kinds of record heat. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Suri's girlhood undergoing pause, Jury's out on which celeb's the cause; Visit Web sites, take the latest poll: Is it broken Holmes or Cruise control? (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Tom's a Scientologist. We cringe. Mom's now keeping Suri from the fringe. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) Theme parks will compete for business in China: Pick the winner — bet your bottom yuan: Mickey Mouse at war with Genghis Khan! (Beverley Sharp) Riffraff Filter So you want to vote? Then you must bring Photos of your face, plus anything We decide will show that you may be Free to vote in our democracy. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rose, Calif.) San Diego's fireworks show was odd. Grand at first, it quickly blew its wad. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Rep. Joe Walsh Brags, Too "Duckworth brags that she's a hero-vet. Shucks, she caught Iraqi flak, and yet Here at home, I deftly held the fort: Fearlessly, I dodged my child support. (Frank Osen) "Doomsday" computer virus predictions: They were wrong; they missed the boat — and how! Say! I'll send my entries in right (Beverley Sharp) Next week's results: A Ploy to Annoy, or We Love Big Bother, ====================================================================== WEEK 982, published August 5, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 982: The parody line By Pat Myers, Published: July 26 Should auld acquaintance be forgot, A chill runs up my spine: My pal's first name's escaped my thought, But he remembers mine. Here's a different take on our annual-or-so song parody contests, this one suggested by Matt Monitto, an Elon University student and one of the Invite's most intrepid parodists: Set your own, humorous words to the tune of a well-known song — except that you must preserve one of the original lines, as in Matt's example above. Your song shouldn't be more than one verse and one chorus; the original line may be in either of them (indicate the original line plus the name of the song it's from). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an adorable plush Helicobacter pylori ulcer bacterium, complete with flagella hanging out of its mouth (it also has cute, rather unbacterial eyes and fur). About 4.2 zillion times life size. Donated by life-size Loser Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 13; results published Sept. 2 (online Aug. 31). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 982" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline for the "next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 979, in which we asked simply for ways to tick people off. Given that we asked this in the wake of the Washington area power outages, many people equated the verb "PO" with the noun "P----o." The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Whenever a colleague swears, tell him, "Every time you say something like that, a fresh tear trickles down the cheek of Our Savior." (John Shea, Philadelphia) 2. Winner of the Annoying Orange key chain and Lil' Stinker Bubbles: When the woman in your life tells you that "I need your support," cup her breasts. (Dion Black, Washington) 3. In the supermarket, when a parent is refusing the request of a whining toddler, rush toward the product and load up your cart, exclaiming, "I LOVE these things! They're the BEST! I'm going to have as MANY as I WANT!" (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) 4. Ask a woman in a bar, "Hi, babe, can I buy you a light beer?" (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Ticking off: The seconds — Honorable mentions Fill in a half-dozen incorrect answers in the crossword of the in-flight magazine, then leave it in the seat-back pocket for the next passenger. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) When reading responsively during a religious service, loudly try out various speech defects. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) When arriving at your Red Line station, jump up from your seat, yell, "This is a Green Line train?!" and bolt out the door. As the train departs, watch the confused tourists hurriedly consult their pocket maps. (Richard Wong, Derwood, Md.) Hashtag all sentences: in e-mails, documents and conversation. #hackneyedjoke #nomagnetforyou (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.; Daria Zahalsky, Vienna, Va., a First Offender) Use Metrorail's "doors closing" chimes as your ring tone for your daily commute. (Kathy Atkins, Fredericksburg, Va.; Anna Day, Rockville, Md., both First Offenders) When you call tech support and the guy asks if you have a pen handy to write down the case number, ask what a penhandy is. (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.) Answer the phone by saying, "It is I." (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) When you're on jury duty, bring a daisy into the deliberation room and start to pull out each petal while saying "Guilty .?.?. not guilty .?.?." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va., a First Offender) Bring one of those huge foam "#1" fingers to the Metropolitan Opera. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Taking a cue from tennis stars, scream-grunt while performing any task: Pushing the elevator button? "Huh-aaaiiee!" Turning the doorknob? "Huh-aaaiiee!" Playing your Scrabble tiles? "Huh-aaaiiee!" (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.; John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) When someone says, "Glad to meet you," reply, "Why?" (Travis McKinney, San Antonio) Post a comment under someone's Facebook photo of cute kittens: "Cats have their place, and that place is under water." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) In conversations, let your gaze drift gradually to the left until you're looking at a space about a foot from the other person's head. Suddenly say "Ding!" and shift your attention back to the face. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) At a watch-the-game party, stand up and announce that you are NOT ready for some football, nor are you ready to rock. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Make this your answering machine message: "Hello? [pause] Hello, is anyone there? [pause] Could you speak louder? [pause] If anyone is there, hang up and call again." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) When you're about to pass gas, first strike the John Travolta disco pose from "Saturday Night Fever." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Carry a box of apostrophes with you, so you can insert them around town in correctly punctuated signs. (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) Breathe. — B. Obama, Washington (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) Stage-whisper "That's what He said!" throughout the minister's sermon. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) On the Metro, loudly suck your teeth, and if somebody looks at you, wink. (Bird Waring) Ask your waiter what members of his tribe typically have for lunch. (David Genser) When asked your name, preface it with an emphasized "the." (THE Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) When someone says, "May I ask you a question?" reply, "You already have and I only allow one per day." (Drew Bennett) Constantly interrupt people to make pointless rhymes: If they say they've been to New York, ask them, "Did you eat with a fork?" If they say they're from Detroit, reply, "Did you meet with Jon Voight?" (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Five minutes before the Super Bowl starts, tell your husband that you reset the V-chip password to your anniversary date. (Dion Black) Whenever you disagree with someone, start your rebuttal with "Au contraire, mon ami." (Roy Ashley, Washington) Apparently, just ask my wife for sex. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, Va.) Put "URGENT" in the subject line of an email to a co-worker, then state in the email that you'd forgotten to say thank you after borrowing that pen. (Anna Day) When fundraising for police charities, always call on a Saturday night, identify yourself as Officer Mumble-Mumble and pause for several seconds. This is guaranteed to concentrate the minds of all parents of teenage drivers. (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) And last: Tick off all the perennially unsuccessful Style Invitational contestants by getting ink on your first try. (Doug Norwood, Washington, a First Offender) Next week's results: Def Jam, or Defternitions ====================================================================== WEEK 983, published August 12, 2012 Style Invitational Week 983: Limerixicon IX, plus the winning 'reologisms' Add to list(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat MyersAugust 9, 2012 If something you do is erroneous, It's wrong, or unwise, or baloneyous. In this poem you'll find Two examples in kind: I am using two words that are phonyous. We ran a limerick contest a couple of months ago — it was to sum up a book, movie or TV show — but that can't put off our annual August visit to Oedilf.com, the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form. Since 2004, when it started with A, Chris J. Strolin and his anapestic acolytes have supplied more than 75,000 limericks, each illustrating a particular word or term. Last year at this time, OEDILF was working on the beginning of the E's; now we're all the way up to .?.?. This week: Supply a humorous limerick significantly featuring any English word, name or term beginning with the letters "eq-" through "ez-," as in the example above by the ever-obliging Style Invitational fan Gene Weingarten. See wapo.st/limrules for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter, and see Oedilf.com for submitting limericks there after this contest is over. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of 19 rotting-zombie Mirror Clings, various stickers of oozing brains, empty eyeballs, spouting blood, etc. The idea is that you stand in the mirror and can pretend to be a zombie without actually going through the procedure. Donated by the in-no-way-undead Nan Reiner. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 20; results published Sept. 9 (online Sept. 7). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 983" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 980 in which we listed a set of nifty neologisms that Losers had created in Week 976 by combining two words, but hadn't accompanied with very nifty definitions. Sure enough, crowdsourcing produced more niftiness. Lots of Losers thought that "ego-fast" was the perfect moniker for Usain Bolt, not just because both words apply so well to him, but also since it works phonetically. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Nixotica: Pictures of Pat in short sleeves. (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.) ADVERTISING 2. Winner of the Stress Relief Kitty: Punfail: A wan-liner. Or a sinking quip! Or a snortcoming! How about a wisecreak? Wait, I know, how about.?.?. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 3. Egoperate: To take someone down a peg or two. "He was going around the bar like he was God's gift to women, so Jill had to egoperate on him." (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) 4. We-cation: A trip without golf clubs (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Cut coiners: Honorable mentions Mentra: Ommm-plate, ommm-fries, ommm-brew .?.?. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Beemen: An interjection said when you don't really agree with a statement. "The Redskins have a shot this year? Beemen to that, brother." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Beerate: To give an alcohol-inspired analysis of another's character. "Jones, who no longer works here, soundly beerated the boss at yesterday's happy hour." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Prevolving: P-revolving: How Oliver and Orville write their names in the snow. (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) biPod: MP3 player that also comes with a headphone jill. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Bipod: A school of whales that swim both ways. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Egofast: To spend a weekend thinking only of others. My egofast is the keystone of my Spiritual Actualization regimen; I'm really growing as a person and realizing some of my greatest personal development. Now that I have rebalanced my chakras .?.?. (Kevin d'Eustachio, Greenbelt, Md.) Frankenfriendly: Having a "nice personality." (Zadoc-Lee Kekuewa, Springfield, Va., a First Offender) Frankenfriendly: Pertaining to cosmetic surgeons who will obligingly give you as many procedures as you want. "Joan Rivers must have a very frankenfriendly doctor." (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) Frankenfriendly: Said of people who are good enough, and smart enough, and doggone it, their heads are bolted on right. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.; Edmund Conti, Raleigh) Diffecation: The strangely disconcerting act of going number two in someone else's bathroom. "It was only our second date, so there was no diffecation until I got home." (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Harpoonerisms: Salty word inversions, such as "Doby Mick ticked his flail and bapsized the coat." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Hyphoon: An unending stream of TV commercials: "Oh no, not another political-ad hyphoon right in the middle of 'NCIS'!" (Brian Allgar, Paris) Ignorent: Having lots of "available space" on your "top floor." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Ignor-ENT: The doctor you see when you have a lot of fluff between your ears. (Jennifer Cohen, Bethesda, Md.) Manese: A dialect of the English language featuring such inexplicable expressions as "that's what SHE said." (Anne Paulin, Gaithersburg, Md., a First Offender) Losery: A failed winery. (Jon Reiser) Mentra: The society for guys who only know one good story. (Russ Taylor, Vienna, Va.) Beemen: The secretion of a honeybee when fertilizing a flower: "I love the corsage, but there's beemen all over it." (Neal Starkman) biPod: Operates on AC and DC. (Steven Alan Honley, Washington) Briswards: Forward at a speedy clip. Derived from the expression "Come on! Chop chop!" (Laurie Brink) Briswards: Where one goes when the injury is not serious enough to require a stay in the Bobbittwards. (Cheryl Davis, Arlington, Va.) Butthoven: Famed for his Asstoral Symphony in B-Flatus (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) Egojunctions: Places for making "I"-contact. (Beverley Sharp) Egojunctions: Penalties for excessive celebration. "The NFL announced that referees will start giving 15-yard egojunctions for players tweeting about their touchdowns before they actually cross the goal line." (David Genser) Egotor: Peter Parker if he had been bitten by a radioactive Donald Trump. (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Flattivist: 1960s feminist who bought a bra for the sole purpose of having something to burn. (Paul Burnham) Harpoonerisms: Such barbed word inversions as "This week the Losers engaged in more wasteful turd-play." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Mentra: A phrase repeated over and over to bring forth a higher level of consciousness, such as "My eyes are up here, jerk." (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) Nixotica: Lust-suppressing literature. "To calm her libido, Pam leafed through her nixotica photo collection of jowly men with sweaty upper lips." (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Polikin: A guy who isn't unemployed (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Prevolving: The frantic process of polling and focus-grouping to determine whether a politician's beliefs have evolved. (David Genser) Underuck: Deal-breaking skivvies, such as fraying granny panties and "Home of the Whopper" boxer shorts. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) We-cation: Pleasure trip taken by Queen Elizabeth. (Mike Gips) Gen-ew: Millennials' nickname for baby boomers. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Losery: The back page of the Sunday Style section, where the Invitational appears. "Paul and Ringo were secretly pleased to see the Rolling Stones review exiled to the Losery on their 50th anniversary." (Paul Burnham) Losery: Almost funny enough for ink. "'Folse's entries are losery, but not quite magnetic." (John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night — is Week 982, our song parody contest. See wapo.st/invite982 Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, (published Fridays) in which the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. ====================================================================== WEEK 984, published August 19, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 984: (A)nother (b)rilliant (c)ontest — (d)o (e)nter By Pat Myers, Friday, August 17, 5:37 PM A badly coiffed Donald egomaniacally fired God. (Mary Lou French, Eveleth, Minn.) None of presidential quality running, sadly. (Shirley Grossman, McLean) The contest is, as obvious from the examples below, to write something whose words begin with consecutive letters of the alphabet. What's not obvious is that those examples are honorable mentions from the last time we ran this contest — in the election season of 2004. Fortunately for the Invite, Donald Trump's ego lives on; we could publish a pretty hefty anthology of Trump jokes from the Invitational's almost two decades of existence. This time around, the Empress is going to be more flexible: You may go backward in the alphabet, and you also may include "a," "and" and/or "the" out of order in your entry. You may use compound words as either one or two words to suit your purposes. And you may continue from Z on to A and then B, or from A to Z and then Y. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a classic 18-inch-long rubber chicken ("made of rubber"), the plucked kind with the stretched-out neck, perfectly appropriate for various vaudeville gags but probably not for political dinners. Donated by Loser Phil Frankenfeld. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 27; results published Sept. 16 (online Sept. 14). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 984" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. The alternative headline for the "next week's results" line is by Jeff Contompasis. More honorable mentions from Weeks 967 and 974 The Empress is off on holiday touring her domain this week, so here's a chance to share some more results of two especially fruitful recent contests: In Week 967 we asked you to overlap two names or phrases into a new term; Week 974 asked for limericks about particular movies, literature or TV shows. From Week 967 Bottle cap and gown: Many a graduate's attire. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Mobile home on the range: A tepee. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Nuclear Winter Games: They feature the three-legged marathon. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Tube-topsy-turvy: Wardrobe malfunction. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) Virgin Atlantickle Me Elmo: TSA-speak for a passenger who actually enjoys body searches. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Bite the dust bunny: To be done in by a lover's angry spouse after you're discovered hiding under the bed. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va..) Cheez Whiz-kid: Someone who can recite all 29 ingredients of the stuff. (Heather Spence, New York, a First Offender) Donner party favors: Gift bags of finger food. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) Housing bubble wrap: It's no fun at all when it pops. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Nuclear winternet dating: Armageddonsome.com. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Fettucine Alfredonut holes: New from Paula Deen. (Melissa Balmain) Shotgun marriage of convenience: Mitt Romney and the NRA. (Nan Reiner) Rock-and-roly-poly: A reunion concert of '60s bands. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Murphy's Law of Gravity: What goes up will come down at the worst possible time and place. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Village idiot box: TV in a sports bar. (Mel Loftus, Alexandria, Va.) Double dutch treat: Skipping your half of the check. (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) From Week 974 To the pessimists, "Alien's" gore-acts Are as scary as Thneeds to the Lorax. But the optimists say, "Count your blessings each day That no creature bursts out of your thorax." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Fanny Hill was a woman of pleasure Whose memoirs I always will treasure For giving such joy To a curious boy Of 15 in his room at his leisure. (Chris Doyle) A Graduate, lacking ambition, Was approached with a bold proposition. Mrs. R. was the one Who proved learning is fun, And she thoughtfully waived the tuition. (Beverley Sharp) "The Hunt for Red October" Captain Ramius fled and was slandered, But he stuck to his plan, never pandered In this movie of note That surpasses "Das Boot" As the new cinematic sub standard. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) "The Music Man" Our young ingenue, lovely Marian, Was a pretty but prim town librarian. She dreamt of a mate Who'd be dashing but straight, But she fell for a con man from Gary, IN. (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md., a First Offender) " Sweeney Todd" It's a barber's and baker's deceit In the way they prepared things to eat: Though their living was tough, They got by well enough With a system for making ends meat. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Next week's results: Week, 980, Feeling Testy,or HR de HR HR ====================================================================== WEEK 985, published August 26, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 985 What art art thou By Pat Myers, Thursday, August 23, 2:51 PM The Style Invitational's Almost Forever Cartoonist, Bob Staake, has taken to posting on Facebook like a . . . well, like a compulsive Facebook poster, delighting his 4,999 "friends" not only with off-the-wall, often tasteless status lines ("I'll never snort bath salts with a monkey again, I'll never snort bath salts with a monkey again") but also with various samples of his many book projects and cartoons — including ones for the Invitational. The problem is that most of Bob's "friends" aren't familiar with the Invite, and he'll often post the cartoon from one of our contests without a caption or any other context, thus prompting a rushed explanation and link from the Empress. This week: Tell us which Style Invitational contest any of these Bob Staake cartoons might be illustrating — either one of our real contests or one you make up. (Click on the thumbnails to see Cartoons 2-5.) Usually, the cartoon illustrates a sample entry for that week; your entry may either describe the contest and provide the example, or treat the cartoon as an illustration of the contest's concept itself. If you're new to the Invite, you'll want to look at the dozens of past contests and cartoons posted at wapo.st/StyleInv. Be sure that your entry makes clear which cartoon you're referring to; clicking on "caption" shows you the numbers. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy, along with a copy of that week's print Invitational signed and dedicated by the Bobster himself. Second place also receives the Bobographed paper as well as a tin of Zombie Mints — "Mmmm! Brain Flavor!" (or at least, really, "artificial meat flavor"; tastes just like artificial meat, we guess), donated by Loser Pie Snelson. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 4; results published Sept. 23 (online Sept. 20). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 985" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kathy El-Assal. The revised title for next week is by Robert Schechter. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 981, in which we asked you to come up with funny test questions and/or answers for applicants for a particular job: Some entries were more like job interview questions but otherwise met the stated parameters of acceptability within our evaluative rubric. In other words, close enough because they were funny. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Job: Suicide prevention hotline: Q. A caller claims he has nothing left to live for. What do you do first? A. Remind him not to end a sentence with a preposition. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) 2. Winner of the tacky seashell sculpture of a motorcycle-riding cat: For a Metrorail station manager: Q. The elevators are broken at the Bethesda station, and two escalators have just stopped running, too. What do you do first? A. Do? (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) 3. For a car salesman: Q. What are your salary requirements? A. I'll have to check with my manager. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.; Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) 4. For a vice presidential candidate: Q. Do you have any skeletons in your closet? A, Literally? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Quizzically challenged: Honorable mentions For a voice-over for a pickup truck commercial: Q. How rough and gravelly should your voice be when discussing the manly attributes of this vehicle? A. From sunup to sundown, uphill in the burnin' desert or pert' near buried in blindin' snow, my throat'll be winchin' up ever' last deep-fried rumble from the hardworkin' depths of my galvanized diaphragm and torquin' it through my wise and leathery lips. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) For a cable guy: Q. What is the significance of 11:59 a.m. in our industry? A. Time to begin your 8 a.m.-to-noon installations. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) For a tabloid journalist: Quotes are: A. The words the subject said. B. The words the subject would have said if he were more interesting. C. The words the subject would have said if he hadn't been made up. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) For an office worker: Instead of "casual Fridays," we have "Austrian Tuesdays." Do you own a pair of lederhosen? (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) For a lawyer: Q. The Supreme Court has just denied your emergency request to stay your client's execution. What do you do? A. Send a final invoice to death row. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) For a Metrorail announcer: Q: Do you grelphmb or do you prefer to hakkjxz? (Roy Ashley, Washington) For a New York deli waitress: Q. Do you scream "just hang on, will ya" before or after you throw the menu on the table? (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) For a psychic hotline operator: Q. Did we hire you tomorrow? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) For a résumé consultant: Q. How you would describe bagging groceries? A. Food industry user experience coordination in conjunction with retail point-of-sale process facilitation. (Russ Taylor, Vienna, Va.) Q. A teller provides the most direct contact with our bank's customers. How would you project goodwill to them? A. Free samples. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) For a drama critic: Please explain why "Macbeth" sucks. Make it all about you. (David Genser) For a porn actress: Q. Are you good at faking it? A. Are you kidding? I used to date Tom Witte. (Tom Witte) Next week's results: The Parody Line, or The Great American Wrongbook ====================================================================== WEEK 986, published September 2, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 986: Hear here? By Pat Myers, Thursday, August 30, 1:04 PM "Our seedy pick of the week . . ." "Moron Afghan refugees in a moment." " . . . rated by Rodent Track magazine . . ." Invitational reader Bruce Ferguson gets a lot of his news and music from the radio, and while he's never had Invite ink, he clearly thinks in a Loserly way, as evidenced by the above phrases that he's heard on the air recently. This week: Give us a sentence or short dialogue that would be a lot funnier if a word in it were mistaken for a homophone of that word, as in Bruce's examples above. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Superfly Monkey, a stuffed animal that catapults from your fingertips when you pull back on its elastic arms and sails a remarkable distance while letting loose an annoying scream. This prize would have been a big hit when we gave it out for Week 826, except that its donor, Lois Douthitt, managed to win it back (this has happened to Invite prize-donors more than once; we don't use the term "Loser" for nothing). This time Phil Frankenfeld is the donor; let's see if he's luckier. See a video of Superfly in action at bit.ly/monkeyslingshot. Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 10; results published Sept. 30 (online Sept. 27). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 986" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline for the "next week's results" line was submitted by both Jeff Contompasis and Nan Reiner. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 982: Our annual-or-so song parody contest: This time the restriction was that you had to include an actual line from the song you were parodying. Click on the link in each song to hear the melody on YouTube; I've found that the best way to do this is to click on the link, start up the video at the specified point (one some of them, you have to wait five seconds so you can skip the rest of the commercial) and then go back to the parody lyrics while you hear the music — it's fun to sing along, too, although this is not recommended during certain religious services. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial The Congressional Theme Song (to "I Won't Grow Up," from "Peter Pan") We won't grow up! We don't wanna legislate. We are always out campaigning Till the next election date. We just cast votes for special perks; On all the rest, the filibuster works. We'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up — We're jerks! We won't grow up! We will never compromise; To obstruct the other party Is our one and only prize. We've pledged to veto every tax For Grover Norquist and the super-PACs. We'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up – We're hacks! (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 2. Winner of the cute plush ulcer bacterium: (To "Another Brick in the Wall") We don't need no education, Texas is a thought-free zone. No evolution in the classroom: Teachers leave them kids alone. Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone! We'll stop y'all with another brick in the wall. Our kids will all be just another hick in the mall. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) 3. Friday, Maybe: The Derecho Song (To "Call Me Maybe") I like electrical stuff, I never can get enough, Not having power is rough, can't stand the dark and heat. I like to turn on a light, have AC running at night, Make sure my fridge is all right so I won't lose my meat. The rain was flowing, thunder sky was glowing, Hot night, wind was blowing, Not again, our power's going! Hey, I call Pepco, and then they say we Won't get back power till Friday, maybe. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) 4. (To "Born to Run") In the day we work out on the streets, guaranteeing the American Dream. At night we glide through mansions of donors, basking in their esteem. Stung in the pages of the New York Times: We're well heeled, well connected, not deigning to explain old crimes. Ann, this task rips the stories from our past. Your horse and Seamus, they always wanna blame us. We've gotta hit Barack till we've won 'Cause champs like us, baby, we were born to run. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Subpar-odies: Honorable mentions (To "Let It Snow") Oh, the weather outside is frightful, Summer's hot both day and nightful. Every winter leaves us aglow: There's no snow! There's no snow! There's no snow! [Bridge:] But the scientists can't be right. Climate studies don't fool me, folks. Phony data's been brought to light. Global warming is just a hoax! Soon the heat will show signs of stopping, Average temps will start to dropping. That's the truth 'cause a Fox News show Tells me so, tells me so, tells me so. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) (To "The Hokey Pokey") You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out; You've trashed your brand-new shoes, and profanities you shout; A steaming pile of excrement has turned your plans around; Who let the Great Dane out? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) (To "White Rabbit") One pill makes you larger And two pills wow the gals And with the lift we'll give you You'll be the envy of your pals. For Cialis, click this link now. (Mike Gips) Aboard US Airways Express 3329 Into National (To "One" from "A Chorus Line") One — runway at the airport all the planes have got to use. Two – opposite directions air controllers can choose. Sometimes a change in the weather may flip your sights, But don't you think you should notify all the flights? One – moment till collision, time to kiss our butts goodbye. Choose a plane to turn and fly away – Hey, You! Try — accident prevention! Do I really have to mention We're the one! (Nan Reiner) To "Castle on a Cloud" from "Les Misérables" (sung by the adorable waif Bruce Yanovitch, age 7) There is a castle on a cloud; Mom has to work there while I sleep. So many floors to scrub and sweep, Big, dirty castle on a cloud. There is a man dressed really nice; I asked him one time for his advice. I'm just a kid, but I kid you not: He said, "You're poor. Get rich. You missed a spot." I know a place where mom stays home. There is a lift in that garage. Dogs in the car are not allowed. Poo trickles down here from that cloud. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) To "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" (start at 0:23) His bevy of homes can be quite satisfying; Oh, Money is Mitt Romney's friend. His large pleasure domes leave observers oh-mying, Also, crying "Oh, my stars!" At elevators for his cars. He should know, things come and go, And we all lose our charm in the end, But meanwhile his kitty has him sitting pretty; Money is Mitt Romney's friend. A trip to New Hampshire is quite energizing; Money is Mitt Romney's friend. And his "summer camp" you would not find surprising; All creature comforts within reach, And many feet of private beach. He's your guy when stocks are high, But the man simply can't comprehend That we are just plain folks; we're not like his Bain folks; Money is Mitt Romney's friend. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) To "Oklahoma!" (start at 0:45) H. pylori, where you wind up weepin' from the pain And the meals you eat can have no heat As an ulcer makes your life insane! H. pylori, every night I feel I'm gonna die-- Chew a lot of chalk and call the doc, Hopin' he'll have somethin' else to try. Don't know how much more I can stand, And I stand to consume food that's bland. So when I cry, Yeeow! Ayipioee-aiiieee! I'm only cryin', Please, let me dine, H. pylori, H. pylori. H. py-! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) To "Master of the House" from "Les Miz" (start at 1:00) Master of the house, Keeper of the zoo: Speaker Boehner has an awful job to do. Dealing with the nuts. Holding down debate; Has to keep tea party crazies voting straight. All House members loathe each other, Eric Cantor wants his spot, Anger causes facial flushes. So to cover up he tans a lot. (Travis McKinney, San Antonio) To "Do You Hear the People Sing?" from "Les Miz" Do you hear the people sing? It's a relentless Broadway tune That you pay a hundred bucks to hear On Sunday afternoon. When the thumping in your ears Causes your head to start to throb, That is the time to up and leave "Les Misérables." (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) To "Love and Marriage" (start at 0:30) Same-sex marriage, same-sex marriage, An institution that we must disparage! Chick-fil-A's Dan Cathy is proud to say it's psychopathy. [Bridge] Try, try, try to celebrate it, it's an illusion. Try, try, try, and you will only come to this conclusion: Guy-guy marriage, gal-gal marriage, Same-sex weddings are a gross miscarriage. God has told us, brother, you can't have one spouse like the other. (Chris Doyle) To "Blowin' in the Wind" How many roads must a man walk down Before he can flag down a cab? How many squats must a fat man perform Before he can work off his flab? Yes, and how many weights must he lift up and down Before he can strengthen an ab? The answer, my friend, is one more than he can, The answer is one more than he can. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) "Fugue for Tinhorns" (from "Guys and Dolls") I got the horse right here, Her name's Rafalca, dear, It's your Olympic sport but I'll be nowhere near. Can't do, can't do. Can't be at Grand Prix with you. Won't watch on TV to see How well she'll do. The London games are nice, But Ann, I've good advice Because the press has burned me once or twice. Can't view, can't view dressage like the rich folk do And win the election too. Can't do. Who knew? (Chris Doyle) To "That's Entertainment!" The clown with his pants falling down In a trance while he dreamt of romance, Taken in to explain it's no sin At his arraignment. The light's on Fred Willard tonight As he's tried with his lawyer beside, Standing tall when he gives it his all At his arraignment! (Jeff Contompasis) To "Crying" by Roy Orbison I mulled Jindal for the spice; There was Rice, she'd be nice; And you, Portman, were first, But the right wanted worst. So I stopped and said, "No, no" Oh, you wished me well En route to hell Since I'd picked Ry-y-y-an over you ... (Kevin Dopart, Washington) To "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" SuperPAChydermalCampaignFundingHocusPocus, Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, Secret bundled megabucks can make a roar ferocious: SuperPAChydermalCampaignFundingHocusPocus. (Come-get-a-senator-there's-one-here-to-buy, come-get-a-senator-there's-one-here-to-buy!) When I was just a lad in school I learned this truth by rote: The thing that makes this country great is called "one man, one vote." But Citizens United has changed everything we teach: "Look, boys and girls! A corporation can buy extra speech." Oh.?.?. (Nan Reiner) To "Bennie and the Jets" Hey, Tim, what's the news this morning? They signed you as a backup, so you should have seen the warning. Did Jesus really want you coming over here? The media will watch your actions all throughout the year. You say that you're happy, you've got no regrets; Ooh, but your team's spaced out, T-T-T-Timmy and the Jets. Oh, but they're weird and they're wonderful, They're any newspaper's dream. You throw just like my mom, but fans are calm, For you've brought God's approval on this team. Oh, Timmy and the Jets .?.?. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) Biden's Lament (To "Oops! I Did It Again"; start at 0:51) Oops! I did it again! I dropped the F-bomb and thrilled the newsmen. Obama's boiling – Oops! Told bunker's locale, No PR knowhow, I'm not intelligent! (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) To "I'm Flying" from "Peter Pan" I'm flying! Over bars, over vault; Can I land without fault? I'm trying. I'm spinning! On the beam, on the floor; No one can touch my score. I'm winning! I just beat the best from everywhere, So give it a rest about my hair! I'm flying! Ponytail held with clips we all wear to do flips. I don't sport a weave – but somehow I achieve. When you can do the same, I might receive your catty peeve. I'm flying! (Nan Reiner) To "Camelot" It's true! It's true! The GOP stands firm: For President Obama? Just one term.?.?. A law was passed a distant moon ago here, But now it seems that there are almost none Since "compromise" became a dirty word here In Washington . . . (Dave Hanlon, Woodbridge) Rover's Serenade (To "L.O.V.E") "R" is red, on Mars it's everywhere, "O" is OMG, we made it there! "V" is very, very extraordinary "E," I've got my eye on "R" that rockin' Mohawk Guy. Oh, Cur-iosity, three cheers to you! Sure shows what the U.S.A. can do. Works much better than we Ever thought, and now we can see Uncle Martin's point of view. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman) To the "Barney and Friends" theme I love you, you love me, Though we're not a "biblical family." And we'll celebrate our love in a non-biblical way, Making out at Chik-fil-A." (Mark Raffman, Reston) To "Point of No Return" You know that once upon a time I hoped to run for veep, And gave 10 years of tax returns McCain would read and weep. But now there's no getting me To show the world the facts. I'm at the point of no returns, And you won't learn what I paid in tax. (Chris Doyle) Prescriptions for Disaster (To "Manhattan") Nowadays, I take Viagra, 'Cause it always causes aggra- vation when I flop again, And need to stop again .?.?. Constantly I have conniptions, Fretting over my prescriptions. I got four score; soon I'll get more. Here in Manhattan, I'm havin' statin overload. All over my abode they're stowed. So much ingestin' in my intestine Causes woe. Twelve times a day I go, When balmy breezes blow, to and fro. (chorus) I'm gonna keep taking every med, Till finally I am dead. Now where's the Prozac? It's just a vial of joy. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) To "Seventy-Six Trombones" Seventy-six grams fat in the chocolate mousse And a hundred and ten more grams in the pie. It is easy to stuff, of course, quite enough to choke a horse In the merest twinkling of an eye. [bridge] They've a list of all the luscious things that we should eat: Turnip greens, fava beans, yogurt and tofu, Wilted kale and turkey tail and soup of beet; No red meat; it isn't good — for — you. So our conscience nags us constantly with healthy tips, Thundering, thundering, louder than before. We chomp a couple bacon strips, and feel them settle on our hips, And think, what the hell, let's have some more! (Mae Scanlan) And last: The Empress's Invitation (To "Side by Side") Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money, Even for jokes that are funny, But we'll send you a shirt; Send us your dirt; Snide! Be snide! (Beverley Sharp) Next week's results: Limerixicon IX, or, more succinctly, LimerIXicon ====================================================================== WEEK 987, published September 9, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 987 Bank shots By Pat Myers, Thursday, September 6, 7:01 PM Real Washington Post headline: Md. agency on a mission to unclog greasy sewer arteries Fake bank head: 'Stop eating all those Big Macs,' health dept. urges seamstresses In this perennial Invite contest — formerly called "Mess With Our Heads" when space used to allow it in the print paper — we ask you to take any headline, verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Post or on washingtonpost.com from Sept. 6 through Sept. 17 and reinterpret it by adding a "bank head," or subtitle (like the joke bank head offered under the actual Post headline above). For heads in the print paper, include the date and page number; for heads from the Web, give the date and copy a sentence or two of the story (even better, copy the URL from the address bar). You don't have to use the entire headline, but don't skip words or change the essential meaning by cutting off the end, as from "President kills bill" to "President kills." Headlines in ads and subheads within an article (as well as actual bank heads) can be used, as well as one-line links to articles online, but not photo captions. See last year's results at wapo.st/inv920. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an especially weird little toy from Japan, home to many, many weird toys. This one comes in a plastic capsule a little bigger than an egg, and features a teeny plastic pink potty containing two even teenier piles of bright yellow rubbery poo. Given out, appropriately, as a door prize at the Losers' recent awards luncheon, the Flushies. Donated by Marleen May. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 17; results published Oct. 7 (online Oct. 4). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 987" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 983, our annual Limerixicon, in which we seek limericks focusing on a word from a sliver of the dictionary — this year it was eq- through ez-: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial When poor Fido is "no longer here," We use words that are soft but less clear. We may say he's "passed on" Or "put down" or just "gone" – See, we've had the dog euphemized, dear. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 2. Winner of the rotting-zombie Mirror Clings: From my exorcist (feeling hard-pressed) I beseeched time to pay. Should have guessed He would say there's no way. I must settle today, Or tomorrow I'll be repossessed. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) 3. If we're asked to coin terms that define How both Mitt and Barack cross the line With campaigns that attack And exhibit a lack Of all qualms, "ethic cleansing" is mine. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 4. "I've heard what you shepherd boys do When you're looking for something to.?.?. woo. But take me to bed And you'll find out," she said, "That I'm quite a bit better than ewe." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Lower lims: Honorable mentions It's a subject I'm not keen to touch on: A blot on the family escutcheon. The king granted arms To Great-Grandma, whose charms He enjoyed when I fear she'd not much on. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) "If it's true non-consensual sex, it Doesn't 'take'; the gal's body rejects it!" So says candidate Akin. Abort THAT mistake, an' Show Mr. Cro-Magnon the exit. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) In election years, pols never fail To say foolish things out on the trail, Though you'll probably not Hear one claim, "I smoked pot In my youth, but I didn't exhale." (Chris O'Carroll, Emporia, Kan.) The upper-class lady who gloats As she shows off expensive fur coats Doesn't know that the ermine Is a weaselly vermin. She's wearing the skins of dead stoats! (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Exhibitionist Mr. van Lear Has been told to quit flashing 'round here, Which has left him nonplussed, And he's asked, "Can't I just Stick it out till the end of the year?" (Brendan Beary) A printed mistake's an erratum, And an editor's needed to spot 'em. But as newspaper copy Gets more and more sloppy, I fear that won day we'll hit boddum. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) In the District some think it's all right That integrity's not black and white: Where politicos stray, The area's Gray And real ethics are nowhere in sight. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) While his wife's horse is overseas prancing, Romney's poll numbers aren't advancing. Though equestrian sport May play well with his sort, It's a joke to the folks out in Lansing. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) "Fifty Shades": just erotic, or porn? It's a question with many a thorn. Here's a clue: When your kid Found you reading it, did You wish fiercely you'd never been born? (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Said the lecturer: 'Troubled digestions -- Check them, empty, for any congestions: The patient must fast For esophagogast- -roduodenoscopy. Questions?" (Hugh Thirlway) A potbellied priest told me, "You're Possessed by the Devil, for sure. But your timing's sublime 'Cause my doctor says I'm Out of shape and should exorcise more." (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) A clearer of timber devours Viagra in search of new powers, But he takes it too far: Now he's in the ER, Where he's logged more than 44 hours. (Chris Doyle) An experienced lady from Gloucester Told a fellow who tried to accoucester: "Though I'm busy today, If you're willing to pay, Then tomorrow you'll be on my roucester." (Brian Allgar, Paris) Escargot is a dish made of snail That sophisticates often impale On fine forks and consume In an elegant room When good taste and good sense don't prevail. (Max Gutmann, Cupertino, Calif.) To exaggerate means overstate: "I could pop!" means I just overate. I can claim that this rhyme Is THE BEST OF ALL TIME!(But that's subject, it seems, to debate.?.?.) (Beverley Sharp) After so many years' immorality, Would I really enjoy immortality? I'm at sixes and sevens, Since sex up in Heaven's An unlikely eventuality. (John Whitworth, Canterbury, England, a First Offender) Great-Grandma was seldom in estrus, But when estrus came 'round, sex was bestrus. She undressed with finesse And dispensed her largess With success — thus became my ancestress. (Sheila Blume, Sayville, N.Y.) Our relationship isn't complex; We hook up on occasion for sex. Then we're filled with self-loathing, We put on our clothing – And that's the routine with my ex. (Brendan Beary) A candidate, asked to explain How he managed so well with no brain, Said, "I never get flustered When I can't cut the mustard. And none of my names is Hussein." (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Sure, I'm dressed in an outfit that's steamy And flattered you find me so dreamy. But now should I run 'Cause that's either a gun Or you're really erumpent to see me. (Kevin Dopart) I've studied quite hard at theology, Yet never quite aced eschatology: Will the Maker require That I roast in a fire Or accept a few words of apology? (Graham Lester, Roeland Park, Kan.) The Norgay and Hillary show Conquered Everest six decades ago. It's different today: You fight crowds all the way, And the scene at the top's SRO. (Chris Doyle) Baby swallowed some dimes from a jar, So we rushed to the doc. It's bizarre; We're assured he'll expel, And soon all will be well, But no change is apparent so far. (Stephen Gold) My plans to get published? Defeated. There are gaps, so my book's not completed. Though the writing went well, Now it's all gone to [censored], Since the expletives all are deleted. (Beverley Sharp) The ='s two little dashes; Don't confuse it with +s or #s, Nor with decimal dots, Which are nothing but spots, As though sums were developing rashes. (Hugh Thirlway) It's a look that's outlived many fads: Just a flowery sundress and spads (Short for "espadrilles"), yet I admit I'm upset, For the outfit, in this case, is Dad's. (Brendan Beary) And last: I know how this contest is endin'. Excited and proud, I will send in Some rhymes that can't lose, Then the Empress will choose Some funnier limericks by Brendan. (Robert Schechter) And Even Laster: A classic Style Invite submission Requires one part erudition, One part imbecility And two parts puerility; Mix well; serve without inhibition. (Nan Reiner) Next week's results: (A)nother (B)rilliant (C)ontest — (D)o (E)nter, or Just Keep Losing, Morons ====================================================================== WEEK 988, published September 16, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 988 A faster break — how to speed up sports By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, September 13, 6:00 PM Electrify chess pieces so that voltage steadily increases until somebody makes a move. If you take more than 60 seconds to take your turn in Scrabble, your opponent gets to whack your knuckles with his tile rack. In a 4G world, who has the patience for 1G sports? When the two-minute warning means that the game should be over in a half-hour or so, you might as well compensate with some other pastimes that we could speed up to fit our ever more frantically ticking clocks. Loser Mike Gips suggests: Suggest ways to make sports and other leisure activities more time-efficient or exciting, as in Mike's examples above. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — speaking of novel pastimes — a pair of actual three-sided dice, intended for those who lack the dexterity to play Rock-Paper-Scissors in the usual manner. "Loser logic at its finest," notes donor Jeff Contompasis, since this method requires a suitable dice-rolling surface. Jeff also includes a bonus prize of official USDA instructions on "Obliterating Animal Carcasses With Explosives" (e.g., "Horseshoes should be removed to minimize dangerous flying debris"). Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 24; results published Oct. 14 (online Oct. 12). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 988" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 984, in which we asked you to write something in which each successive word started with the next letter of the alphabet — in either direction. And you could even turn around and switch directions, or head from Z on to A or vice versa ("A," "and" and "the" could be added anywhere). This contest prompted a number of entrants to force the Empress to slog through 26-word and longer sentences (Judge to E: "For giving ink to that atrocious pun, you will hereby serve a 26-word sentence, and surrender your tiara immediately") that all seemed to be about xanthippic yaks or yapping zebras. She will spare you further, and instead show how it's done right: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Z on to A, to Y: Zeroes, athletes, braniacs, cheerleaders, dorks .?.?. Everybody faking grins .?.?. (Hey, it's just kissing!) .?.?. "Look, Ma, no —" .?.?. Oops! photos.?.?. Quotes (really shallow, though) .?.?. Upperclassmen .?.?.Varsity winners .?.?. XOXOXO. Yearbook. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) 2. Winner of the genuine 18-inch rubber chicken: H to A: Harry's genitals frankly elicit doubts concerning bedroom abilities.(Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) 3. T back to A, then forward to R: Tampa Secret-Rendezvous Quarters: "President Obama's a narcissistic Marxist, liar and Kenyan. Jeez, investigate the Hawaiian government! Follow the evidence! Democrats concealed the bozo's actual birth certificate!" the Donald explains, flashing a goofy "hey, I'm just kooky" look. ? Mitt nods obligingly, pales and quickly retreats. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 4. A to Z: A belligerent candidate, defiantly expounding fallacious gynecological health information, just kept lecturing, making numbers of people quite rightly say (to use vilifying words), "X#$%, you zero!" (Steve Gerritson, Bothell, Wash., a First Offender) Alpha bettered: Honorable mentions Armstrong's bicycling career: dope-pedaling. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Armstrong biked competitively, defeating every France-going hopeful in July. Knocking Lance, malicious naysayers obsessively persecuted. Quit robbing seven titles, USADA — very weak. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Diana, Cuba beckons again! Zip your Xtreme-Dream wetsuit, vow unwavering tenacity! Swim. Retch. Quit. Plan one next marathon lunacy. (Mike Gips, Bethesda) Allowing budget cliff-diving ensures the Four Ghastly Horsemen in January, Krugman lectures me. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) A boa constrictor doesn't ever forget: Giving hugs is just killing. Love murders. Neatly. On purpose. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Another bit casual dopers easily forget: Getting high inhaling joints kills living mitochondria. Nevertheless, optimistic potheads quietly remain stoned, toking up volumes while X-rays yield zero apparent "brain collapse" (duh). (Neal Starkman, Seattle) A jaded Kate (lately Middleton): "Nosy, obnoxious pregnancy questions! Royalty sucks!" (Katherine Stikkers, Poughkeepsie, N.Y., a First Offender) Debt = China bought America. (Mark Raffman, Reston) "Hey, I'm just kidding," laughed Mitt nervously. "Obama's policies rarely seem taxing." (Tom Cary, Hollywood, Md.) Joystick kaput? Luckily, men now overcome the problem; a quick remedy shapes things up. Viagra: a winner! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Sexual rapport: Quid pro O. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) Limbaugh makes news the oldest profession. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring) Bleeding crocodile? Dying elephant? Fractured goat? Hemorrhaging iguana? Jaundiced kangaroo? Languishing moose? Narcoleptic opossum? Paralyzed quail? This unflappable vet will X-ray your zoo animals! (Graham Lester, Roeland Park, Kan.) Kenyan "joy" is "happy gnus." (Christopher Lamora) The ABCs (and CBAs) of the Seven Deadly Sins 1. Anger begets choler and discontent. Eschew fury. 2. Curb dining extravangances; forgo gluttony henceforward. 3. X-rated yearnings and zest? Adultery? Be careful. Don't even fantasize. 4. A dive eventually follows gloating, hauteur, insolence. 5. Relinquish slothful, tiresome, unproductive, vegetative ways. 6. Discontinue envy. Forever. God hath insisted. 7. Avarice banishes common decency. Eject filthy greed. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Noticed our politicians' quality?: Ready, set — throw up. (Ann Martin) "Canadians believe Adele's better?" Céline Dion's enthusiasm fades. Gallantly holding in jealousy, keeping long-muffled notions of panic quietly repressed, she tunes up, voice wobbling. (Chris Doyle) Five Guys has incredibly juicy Kobe-like morsels. Now, only prime-quality rectal secretions transpire. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) Turkeys using Viagra: wishbones. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Zest your xylem — Viagra. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) [Three Viagra inks in one Invitational contest — a record?] Attention, banged chicks: Don't even fight. Go home. In a jeering kakistocracy, legitimate molestation never occasions pregnancy. (Amanda Yanovitch) Hizzoner Gray finds executive direction: Clone the Barry administration. (Kevin Dopart) A bare congressman drippily emerging from Galilean H2O into Jewish kingdom leaves many nonplussed. (David Genser) "Jobs keep lagging," Mitt nags. Obama, the president, quickly responds, "Spend, tax!" (Robert Schechter) Congress directs efficient federal government. Haha! I jest. (Katherine Stikkers) And last: ZZZZZZ .?.?. Another "zinger" alphabet-bothering contest drowns the Empress. (David Genser) And even laster: Avoiding brainier competitions delivering earnings, fame, glory, honor — I just keep losing. (Kevin Dopart) Next week's results: What art art thou, or Plumb Bob ====================================================================== WEEK 989, published September 23, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 989 Moonlighting madness — combine two professions By Pat Myers(Picture D) NFL placekicker moonlights as a TV critic: Both jobs require the ability to kick something when it's down. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) (Picture B) Alligator wrestler/hack novelist: It's not just her prose that bites. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) New contest: Come up with a double or multiple profession, and explain how each job complements the other(s), as in the examples above — each of which gets an honorable mention for Week 985, whose results we run today. In that contest, we published these five typically weird cartoons created by our go-to maniacal genius Bob Staake, and asked you to tell us what Style Invitational contest any of them might be illustrating — either an actual previous contest or one you made up. Perennial Losers Gary and Lawrence sent in pretty much the same contest idea, which the Empress found highly promising, though neither of their entries for it wins more than a magnet. (We don't want the contest examples to be unmatchably good, anyway.) Maybe they'll do better next time. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a charmingly highbrow practical-joke device called Talking Toilet, which you install under the seat; when someone sits down, the box starts shouting things like "Hey, I'm working down here!" Donated by Nan Reiner. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 1; results published Oct. 21 (online Oct. 18). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 989" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 985, in which we asked you to name a real or imagined Style Invitational contest that any of these cartoons could illustrate: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial plus a copy of today's Invitational autographed and dedicated by Bob Staake himself: Week 982, song parody including one line from the original: Picture E: To "Fugue for Tinhorns" from "Guys and Dolls": I've got the horse right here, He's in the bathtub, dear, But all the lights went out, and he's toast, I fear. Boo hoo, I'm blue; The horse blew a fuse, it's true; It looks like the horse is through; (The toaster, too.) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2. Winner of another Bobographed page plus a tin of Zombie Mints: Picture A: New contest: Change a rule for a well-known game to reflect today's society: If you are playing the banker in Monopoly and are about to go bankrupt, you get to keep picking cards from the Community Chest until you are solvent. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) 3. Picture D: Our perennial "joint legislation" contest: The Eschoo-Boozman-Kildee-Foxx-Udall-Reid-Moore Act to increase American IQs by eliminating the two leading brain cell destroyers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 4. Picture B: New contest: Come up with an invention incorporating a live animal: The new Croc-o-Bile Crapplicator for Political BloggersTM. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) Looking a bit drawn: honorable mentions PICTURE A Week 913, move a word's last letter to the beginning: U-sham: What a whale says to someone who cheats. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Week 458, Asterisky Business, jokes requiring particular knowledge to understand: The dolphin knew Bob's victory would be short-lived, as it smugly bid him farewell with "a double-backwards somersault through a hoop whilst whistling 'The Star-Spangled Banner.'?"* *In "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," this gesture translates as "So long, and thanks for all the fish," foreshadowing Earth's imminent destruction. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) New contest: Limericks about pets: While fishing, a man from Nantucket A dolphin calf caught in a bucket. It grew up, you see, To be smarter than he, But he somehow could always out-luck it. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) PICTURE B New contest: Invent an expression that sounds risque, but provide the "real," G-rated meaning. "Shakin' the gator": Thoroughly mixing the contents of your sports drink bottle before drinking. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) New contest: Ways that old-fashioned technology could be made more appealing today: The Monster Gator Correcto-Pen holds enough Wite-Out to repaint the Beltway. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Week 939, combine two movie titles: "There's Swamp Thing About Mary": A young woman has many suitors, but none can get past her friend Snappy. (Christopher Lamora) PICTURE C New contest: Combine two publications and create their marketing pitch: Gourmet and Cat Fancy: How to prepare the finest meal Tabby will never eat. (Kevin Dopart) Week 429, evidence that some institution has jumped the shark: Garfield becomes anorexic. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Week 947, Tour de Fours VIII, neologisms containing the word block N-O-E-L in any order: Abaloney: Mock shellfish found in "premium" cat food. (Jeff Contompasis) New contest: Write a parody of a famous poem as a cartoon caption: Whose food this is I think I know, His house is in the back yard, though; You will not catch me dining here On way-beneath-me canned Alpo. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) New contest: Create a sentence where the last letter of each word is the first letter of the next word, as in this pointless example: "Covered dish holding giant tarantula angered domestic cat." Make it funnier than this one or you'll be writing limericks again. (Ned Bent, Erie, Pa.) PICTURE D Week 212, products that the world doesn't need: Coffee concentrate, for when you can't be too highly strung. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) New contest:How people's lives are influenced by TV shows: By closely watching "Dancing With the Stars," Matilda was determined to master the step-left-kick-right, even though her "medicine" made it more challenging. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) PICTURE E For the annual racehorse-"breeding" contest: Toastmaster x Bathing Beauty = Electro-Cute (Peter Shawhan, Silver Spring) Week 442, slightly changed movie titles: "My Friend Flickered": Mrs. O'Leary's granddaughter's horse starts the 1965 East Coast blackout. (Kevin Dopart) New contest: Candidates' deep, dark secrets: Rafalca once tried to commit suicide. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Week 768, fictitious movie trivia: The original script for "The Godfather" had the horse discovered in the bathroom. (Mike Gips) New contest: Inbreeding: Mate two horses whose foal will end up at the shallow end of the gene pool: Uncle Mo x Brilliant Speed = Slow Mo; Supreme Ruler x Empire Way = Hemophilia (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Week 110, warning labels: On a bottle of champagne: If you're bathing in champagne to celebrate a big win, do not make your own toast points for the caviar. (Gary Crockett) Next week's results: Week 986, Hear here, or Litellagrams, humor with homophones. ====================================================================== WEEK 990, published September 30, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 990 Indecent relations By Pat Myers Woodrow and Brian Wilson: They'd sing: "I'm starting a League of Nations, it's giving me excitations .?.?." James Brown scored with hit after hit, while Charlie Brown couldn't get in a single kick. Back in Week 963 this past spring — a contest for "portmanteau names," in which the last name of one person overlapped with the first name of another — Loser in Exile Christopher Lamora of Guatemala City suggested a variant: Pair two people, real or fictional, who have the same last name; say how they're alike or different, or something they might do (even in fantasy) as a pair, as in the examples above. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the tasteful Porkin' Pigs Bank, a pair of ceramic piggy banks that are pictured here in a more decorous arrangement than their intended placement (you'll have to use your imagination). Donated by 91-time Loser Nan Reiner. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct.?8; results published Oct. 28 (online Oct. 25). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 990" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 986, in which we asked for humor based on homophones — different words that sound alike: Homophones tend to be the basis for groaner puns, so .?.?. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial "I can't believe my dad told our Vietnamese neighbor he'd improved on her soup recipe .?.?. Oh, hi! We were just talking about your pho, Pa!" (Mark Richardson, Washington) 2. Winner of the catapulting Superfly Monkey: In his résumé, the zoo vet claimed experience delivering litters of tigers, leopards, jaguars .?.?. but really he was just a lioness OB. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) 3. "I heard there's a new reality show about desperate couples who turn to in vitro fertilization." "Yes, it's called 'Extreme Make-Ova.'?" (Steve Honley, Washington) 4. Your observations were most inciteful, Congressman Akin. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) [Yup, Akin's comment was the cheap shot heard round the world.] Razing the bar: honorable mentions What's the not-quite-American dish that's trendy right now at Paris bistros? It's the Filly Cheesesteak. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Say what you will about the televangelist's "powers," but he sure is able to make his followers heel. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) How does the commercial go for that new Puerto Rican restaurant on 115th Street? "There is arroz in Spanish Harlem .?.?." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Did you hear about that great new software that speeds up your uploads? It's called AceApp. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) "You've been ranting online since 1995?" "Yes, I was one of the Internet's surly adopters." (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) When gun-nut journalist Hunter Thompson covered the '72 election, reporters and candidates alike were fearin' loadin' on the campaign trail. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) What English singing group had a surprise novelty hit with "Do the Funky Chicken"? The Cornish Gay Men's Chorus. (Dudley Thompson) "These days you live full time on your yacht?" "Yes, I look at life from boat-sides now." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Reunion weekend culminated in a gala dinner at which the oldest alumni were all fetid. (Elly Lampner, Cockeysville, Md., a First Offender) Westboro Baptist Church's funeral-crashing strategy? "If we stand shoulder to shoulder, we will be a fence of people." (Peter Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md.) After the apple juice market was cornered, people claimed it was all in cider trading. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Gertrude didn't like people to wear hats in her house, even in the kitchen. So she always insisted that Alice be toqueless. (Christopher Lamora) Whenever I see January Jones's cleavage I want to fall into the depths of this pair. (Harry Farkas, Columbus, Ohio) What do you call heterosexual men who color their hair? Dyer straights. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) What's that sitcom about the wacky bride? That's "Aisle of Lucy." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) William Shatner's hair loss can't stop the show, particularly when there's Bill's toupee. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) During the U.N. commission's tour of Lubbock, local reporters didn't take no foreign answer. (Kevin Dopart) "After we finish getting the grand piano up the stairs to the third floor, there'll be biers for everyone." (John Shea, Philadelphia) The freshman figured his first semester would be a breeze — at orientation he found out he'd even be studying works of Play-Doh. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) What do Baal-worshipers call their social-media network? Idol Chitchat. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) What was the note on the hernia patient's chart before he went in for surgery? Trussed butt — verify. (Dudley Thompson) "There's a green stain on the back of your trousers," I pointed out. "Gracias," he answered. (Robert Schechter) A reporter went undercover at a brothel, and he got a sordid tale. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) George W. Bush: Tuchus on the wrong path. (Phil Frankenfeld) A sudden breeze caused Ted's exam paper to flutter off his desk onto his lap. "Man, that test tickles," Ted blurted out. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) "I can't wait to see that video clip they were talking about at the water cooler, but I better not look at it at work." "Why, what's wrong with seeing the princess tripping on the tarmac?" (Neal Starkman, Seattle) They've opened a treatment center for men who keep exposing themselves — it's called New Directions. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) And last: I showed the editors of the New Yorker my lifetime collection of Style Invitational entries, but they were not oeuvrely impressed. (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) And even laster: "So, Empress, was there much bodily-discharge humor among this week's entries?" "There was snot enough." (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) ====================================================================== WEEK 991, published October 7, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 991 V-O-T-E now By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, October 4, 3:30 PM Vel-veto: A smooth, easy-to-swallow but ultimately cheesy rejection: "He gave her the old 'it's not you, it's me' vel-veto." Love-toad: The once and future prince. Given that the results to this contest will be published the weekend before Election Day, we figured that the letter block for our ninth annual Tour de Fours neologism contest ought to be pertinent (but shouldn't be a-r-g-h). This week: Create a new word or two-word term containing the letter block V, O, T and E and define it, as in the examples above; those four letters may be in any order, but there may be no other letters between them. Hyphenate and capitalize (or not) as you wish. Using the word in a funny sentence is fine; using the word in a blah sentence is unfine. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a vintage but unused U.S. military surplus "Supporter, Athletic" from 1946. Donated by Loser Andrea Kelly, who dates from well after that. It's the Style Invitational, where we give you an old jock for your new joke. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct.?15; results published Nov. 4 (online Nov. 1). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 991" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 987, our perennial contest in which we asked contestants to take any headline from a week's worth of The Washington Post and washingtonpost.com and follow it with a made-up "bank head," or secondary headline, that either misinterpreted the original or commented humorously on it: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial (Actual Post headline) Romney: 'The sky seems to be crying' (Fake bank head) 'It's called rain, sir,' explains butler who had accidentally lowered boss's umbrella (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 2. Winner of the Japanese teeny toy potty with rubbery yellow mini-poo: Nats throw away chance at the end, fall to Atlanta New version of 'Gone With the Wind' is big hit in Ga. (Steve Honley, Washington) 3. With Senate at stake, GOP awaits Akin's next move Many hope it's to Paraguay (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) 4. Rookie Morris gives ground game just what it needs New Redskins chef makes perfectly seasoned squirrelburgers (Larry Carnahan, Arlington, Va.) The outer banks: honorable mentions Thousands protest new austerity cuts 'Keep government's hands off our austerity!' protesters chant (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Bound for greatness, but not yet New Obama campaign slogan announced (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) Councilman's license suspended in past Brown says he can't produce document because of 'time warp' problem (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Obama reaches out to middle-class voters in Colorado GOP accuses president of 'inappropriate touching' (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Capitals players prepare for lockout Hide extra Verizon Center key under mat (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Garcon 'very limited' in practice Maitre d' slams trainee for insufficient snottiness (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) Woolly Mammoth goes to the mat, artfully But mastodon can't master backflip on the balance beam (Gary Sampliner, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) Prince Harry back in Afghanistan Palace relieved he escaped Vegas to safer locale (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Reiley loses job at MWAA Aunt Edith deemed much better at making kissing noises (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) A rockin' place to be Veranda is most popular area at Lazy Acres Nursing Home (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Chris Christie versus the world 'May the bigger equator win,' says N.J. governor (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) After robbery, church won't change open-door policy Action delayed until door is recovered (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Lessons learned in College Park Experimental academic offering complements football program (Elden Carnahan) Where are all the Redskins bars? Fans complain of poor cellphone reception at FedEx (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) Tuskegee Airman broke barriers WWII Army deducted barrier cost from his paycheck each month (Mel Loftus, Alexandria, Va.) A 60-day drive to Election Day gets underway Romney vows this time Seamus will ride inside car (Robert Schechter) DNA considered in MacDonald case Farmer to stick with EIEIO (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Citing leak, Netanyahu defers security meeting 'When you gotta go.?.?.' prime minister explains (Roy Ashley, Washington) He had the world on a violin string — until it unraveled New theory of creation poses challenge to Flying Spaghetti Monster (Adam and Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) The top cars for tailgating Models with good brakes top the list (Zack Beland, Fairfax, Va.) A president cornered Obama stunned to find his office no longer oval (Ira Allen) Take the kids this weekend Desperate for break, local mom goes public with plea (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Born with a one-way ticket south [an article about dragonfly migration] Breast-sagging linked to genetics (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Love of the Boss crosses party lines Holidays especially tricky time for office romance (Steve Honley) Vick salvages ugly opener Inexplicably scores in bar with 'Hey, baby, what's your sign?' (Mel Loftus) Friday's top rushers, passers Police release list of Beltway's most obnoxious drivers (Beverley Sharp) Become a snap organizer Clothing factories offer jobs you've never even heard of (Christopher Lamora) Precipitation, participation, perspiration '.?.?. preparation! THAT's what I was supposed to do,' Eastwood says (Gary Crockett) Medvedev: Release three punk rockers A, 'And give them a five-minute head start' (Gary Crockett) B. Hope he didn't really say 'rockets' (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Bartlett says he regrets remark 'Just wanted to get in my own dang book,' says quotation compiler (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Obama doubles down White House pillows restuffed with extra feathers (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Maryland at Temple Jewish holiday draws entire state population (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Clinton urges calm as Asian nations feud Stress, for once, dampens ex-president's libido (Roger Hammons, Ashburn, Va.) Recognizing the sacrifices of grandparents Continued denial of Nana and Pop-Pop's Santeria rituals is futile (Jeff Contompasis) Breast-feeding professor spurs debate 'If students can have a snack in class, why can't I?' he asks (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Ovarian cancer screenings not recommended as a routine Miss America contestant must find new talent (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.; Melissa Balmain) Strasburg decision will be felt for years to come Pitcher invited to choose Nats' new ball caps for next decade, goes retro (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) More officials on board to connect Loudoun, Prince William Critics claim a road would work better (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Millions saved by teleworking New no-visit strategy pays off for Jehovah's Witnesses (Steve Honley) Nicaragua refuses departure of U.S. citizen after prison release Farting in jail cell earns him another 30 days (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) And last: Influential imbeciles But others claim Style Invitational Losers actually have no clout (Roy Ashley, Washington) Next week's results: A Faster Break, or Fools Speed Ahead, ====================================================================== WEEK 992, published October 14, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 992 Mittsterpiece Theatre By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, October 11, 3:00 PM Oscar the Grouch becomes the new host of "Hoarders." "News12Minutes With Jim Lehrer." "Sesame Street" becomes a 20-minute segment of "The Honey Boo Boo Hour." One thing Mitt Romney said during the debate that made even President Obama wake up for a minute was his vow to "stop the subsidy to PBS," even though "I love Big Bird." (You'd think he would have loved Big Bird's role in selling $47 million worth of products for the nonprofit Sesame Workshop, but we don't think that's what he meant.) This week, in a contest suggested by Longtime Loser Larry Yungk: Suppose public-TV shows, past or present, were turned out onto the open market to make a living on commercial TV. Tell us what could happen, as in Larry's examples above. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, for once from this contest, money. Two cash prizes, in fact: First, a seat cushion of clear plastic — the stiff kind your great-aunt used to cover her nice upholstery with so that no one would hurt the extra-soft and comfortable fabric — stuffed with genuine finely shredded U.S. currency; it's being regifted right back to the Invitational by Tom Witte, who won it in Week 164 (1996); I cannot guarantee, however, that it has ever actually cushioned the Hall of Fame Loser's rear end. And we'll throw in a genuine rubber $100 bill, donated by Dave Prevar. A budget-stretcher. Or a budget stretcher. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct.?22; results published Nov. 11 (online Nov. 8). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 992" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 988, in which we asked for ways to speed up or to add excitement to various sports and leisure activities. Lots of people suggested that NBA games begin in the last five minutes, since that's all that matters anyway. We said we'd be flexible about what constitutes a leisure activity: So: scratching, okay; even watching paint dry, okay. Doing one's taxes or talking to tech support, no. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial For speed and excitement: Dog racing: Turn the tables and have the greyhounds chased by genetically modified saber-toothed rabbits. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) 2. Winner of the three-sided dice plus the instructions on exploding animal carcasses: For speed and excitement: Baseball: Spike their steroids with amphetamines. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) 3. For excitement: Rock-Paper-Scissors: Use real rocks and scissors, but you still have to use your hand for paper. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 4. For speed: The Rubik's Square. (Jim Reagan, Herndon, Va.) A bit gamy: honorable mentions Require that batters' crotches be pre-scratched before they reach the plate. (Ralph Nitkin, Rockville, Md.) For every false start or delay of game, an NFL team has to replace one of its linemen with a cheerleader. (Katherine Stikkers, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) Baseball: Pitchers who are replaced fall through a trapdoor under the mound. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Lugers slide down the track on their backs as usual, but headfirst, guided only by three rear-mounted dental mirrors. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Soccer: Keep adding balls until someone finally scores a goal. (Anne Clark, Rochester, N.Y.) Binary sudoku. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Instead of using chess clocks in tournaments, have crowds of spectators count aloud "One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus .?.?." (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) Divide the football field in half lengthwise, and play both halves at once — with the offense on one team playing the defense of the other. Better sideline views, and more time for tailgating. (Owen Hammett, Lorton, Va., a First Offender) A golfer has one minute to make a shot before the sprinklers come on. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) Bowling alleys should have ball-return cannons. (Michael Burch, Nashville, a First Offender; Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) The Game of REAL Life: Just hand all cash, stock certificates and properties to the banker. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Call-and-response tennis: The audience divides into two groups to enthusiastically echo every grunt and squeal made by the players. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Hockey: Put the penalty box inside the goal. (David Genser) Replace those boring X's and O's with real ticks, tacks and toes. (Laurie Tompkins, Rockville, Md.) Institute 40-second clocks in stadium restrooms. When a stall's clock expires, someone in a striped uniform bangs on the door, pelts the user with yellow flags and blows his whistle until the person finishes. (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.) Water polo: Award points for removing an opponent's swimsuit. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Taking a cue from baseball: Golfers should be acknowledged with their own "putting songs" blared over loudspeakers as they prepare their shots. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) Pictionary: The Muhammad card. (Danny Bravman, Chicago) Watching paint dry: First take away the "wet paint" sign .?.?. (David Genser) To make opera go faster, give the fat lady the first aria. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Speed up the men's 100-meter dash by renaming it "foreplay." (Dion Black, Washington) Boxing: Between rounds, don't have those bikini-clad ring girls prance around degradingly with those signs. Have them fight each other. (David Genser) Next week's results: On the double, or Twainful employment. ====================================================================== WEEK 993, published October 21, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 993 Epic rap battles By Pat Myers, Thursday, October 18, 2:20 PM Albert Einstein: "I'm a giant whose shoulders you'd have stood on, if you could stand. I'll give you a brief history of pain with the back of my hand." .?.?. vs. Stephen Hawking: "And while it's true that my work is based on you, I'm a supercomputer — you're like a Ti-82." — from EpicRapBattlesOfHistory.com Visit the hilarious, immensely popular Web site Epic Rap Battles of History and you'll see trash-talkin' Frank Sinatra vs. Freddie Mercury! Dr. Seuss vs. Shakespeare! Gandalf vs. Dumbledore! Abe Lincoln vs. Chuck Norris! In this brainchild of L.A. improv artists Nice Peter and Lloyd Alquist, the dozens of videos are even funnier than the rap lyrics they contain. But we tend to be Word People over here in Loserland — not to mention that the newsprint Invite doesn't come with audio, except when you smack it on your leg — and so our version needs to shine on the verses alone. This week: Write a short "rap battle" between any two characters, real or fictional, as in the example above, which quotes two couplets from a 21/ 2-minute video. By short, we mean one or two rhyming couplets per character — so four to eight lines total. As for what counts as rhyme, the Empress might be a wee bit more lenient than usual, but don't go "rhyming," say, "stakes" and "blades," as does one of the Epics. You say you want to make your own video? Sure! Put it on YouTube or another accessible site and send us a link. This contest was suggested by Mike Gips, who heard about Epic Rap Battles from Matt Monitto. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the edifying volume "Now Wash Your Hands: More Than You Ever Wanted to Know About the Life and Times of the Toilet." Dumped on us by Longtime Loser Phil Frankenfeld. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct.?29; results published Nov. 18 (online Nov. 15). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 993" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Edward Gordon. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 989, in which we asked you to think of two jobs that one person could hold, and explain why: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial If a politician also worked as a firefighter, he'd be able to hose down his own pants. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) 2. Winner of the possible-to-arrange-tastefully Porkin' Pigs coin banks: A used-car salesman could moonlight as a body waxer: He's skilled at the arts of laying it on thick, and ripping off. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) 3. The telemarketer who became an NFL replacement referee is now unemployed because everyone, and I mean everyone, hated his calls. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 4. A hotel maid by day and a waitress by night who also babysits on weekends also became a banking industry lobbyist — she got tired of being just a moocher. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Help wanting: honorable mentions A psychiatrist would be a good airport security agent: He's skilled in finding out what makes you tick. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A fortuneteller could take a second job as a hit man: Both deal with what's in the offing. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) American voters could all be poultry farmers — they're both getting ready to dispatch turkeys next month. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) A Redskins quarterback would make a good wino: Both get blitzed all the time. (David Garratt) A reform candidate could moonlight as a restroom attendant, and continue to work for change. (And he could probably use the money.) (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) A urologic surgeon has the makings of a presidential candidate: We're really happier with both if they're not too specific about what they plan to cut. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) A day care center worker has a night shift as a casino cashier: She already knows how to change hundreds. (David Genser) A spelunker could be a successful politician: The first is interested in special caves and the second caves to special interests. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) A mime could supplement his income by being a mob enforcer: In both jobs, you get to be silent but deadly. (Russell and Adam Beland, Fairfax, Va.) A mohel can moonlight as a waitress at a greasy spoon — she's used to making a living on tiny tips. (Clifford Fishman, Rockville, Md.) A North Korean chef could also work as a pet hypnotist — both are proud of curing cats. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) A Metro driver can moonlight at a brothel: For the day job her slogan is "We open doors"; for the night job it's "We open drawers." (Chuck Smith) A drag queen could have a day job as an executioner: In both jobs you pull switches to dramatic effect. (Tom Witte) New York baseball coach/midwife: In both professions, one good Yank and you could be seeing the next Babe. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) A philosophy professor might try also being a barber, since he's used to spending his entire career over people's heads. (Beverley Sharp) A Virginia public school teacher should play for the Chicago Cubs: For both, their constant mantra is "SOL." (Amanda Yanovitch) A personal trainer could moonlight as an undertaker: She's used to working with people who are out of breath. (Beverley Sharp) I hear that a real estate agent is riding out the housing slump as a human cannonball: It's still all about location, location, location. (David Genser) A lawyer/prostitute: Get people off for money. Repeat. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Tiger Woods's caddy should also be his sex addiction counselor: Then maybe he can finally get Tiger to control his putts. (David Genser) Next week: Indecent Relations, or Sibling Ribaldry ====================================================================== WEEK 994, published October 28, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 994 Stick it to us with a new Loser Magnet By Pat Myers Every week since she deposed the Czar in 2004, the Empress has been sending out our lusted-after prize magnets to a couple dozen honorable-mention Losers. (One to a person, that is — do you think we're made of money? These babies can run as much as two bits apiece.) Since they replaced the Czarist-era bumper stickers, we've had more than a dozen designs, all of them created by the More Famous and More Full of Himself by the Day Bob Staake, and featuring Loser-contributed slogans; some of the slogans stress the also-ran nature of being a Loser, while others play on the Invitational in general. Anyway, our current supply is running out, and it's time to order up another year's worth. This week: Suggest a slogan for one of our two new honorable-mention Loser Magnets for 2012-2013. Bob will draw it, so you don't need to design or draw anything. You can suggest just the text and Bob will illustrate, or suggest a visual idea as well. The magnet is only the size of a business card (2 by 3.5 inches), and so a short slogan and simple idea work best. Click through the pictures above to see six of the magnets; here's a photo of seven more. You may resubmit your own unsuccessful submission from any of our previous prize-slogan contests (by unsuccessful, we mean that it wasn't used on a prize; it's still eligible if it got ink). Winner gets — along with the magnet with the winning slogan — the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the other magnet we'll be using, plus a fantasy sci-fi romance novel that its donor, Incredibly Longtime Loser Tom Witte, vows is "the best book ever written." Sample passage from the paperback: " 'Look,' he said, 'the sun is beginning to set. It will soon be nightfall.' She marveled at his wisdom and was in awe of his manhood." The novel is by Tom's mother-in-law. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get, of course, a Loser magnet, either a new one or one from the old batch. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 4; results published Nov. 25 (online probably Nov. 23). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 994" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Dixon Wragg. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 990, in which we asked for jokes about any two people with the same last name (or names pronounced the same): The links on the names are there not just to identify them — don't write in about the insult to your intelligence — but sometimes offer a little perspective on the jokes; for example, the link on Lil Wayne's name goes to a sample of his poetry. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Cynthia Nixon had sex in the city; Richard Nixon screwed the whole country. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 2. Winner of the Talking Toilet practical-joke gizmo: Stephen King: Writes about the living dead. Larry King: Is. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) 3. Ken Starr and Ringo Starr: Each was willing to use whatever sticks. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 4. George Romney and Mitt Romney: One was transparent; the other you can see right through. (John Huber, Montgomery Village, Md., a First Offender) Nixed of kin: Honorable mentions Neil Armstrong and Lance Armstrong: One took a giant leap forward for mankind. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) Bill Russell and Jane Russell: Known for great two-pointers. (Kevin Dopart) Jack Ryan and Paul Ryan collaborate in "The Hunt for Red-State November." (Chris O'Carroll, Emporia, Kan.) Robert E. Lee took off up North. Gypsy Rose Lee took off "down south." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Dave Matthews leads a band; Chris Matthews preaches to the choir. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Jon Stewart wears his convictions on his sleeve; Martha Stewart had to wear hers on her ankle. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) Bruce Lee and Robert E. Lee: Both were born in the United States yet became famous working in another country. (David Ballard, Reston) William S. Burroughs and Edgar Rice Burroughs: Tarzan eat naked lunch every day. What big deal? (Chris O'Carroll) Commodore Perry: "We have met the enemy and they are ours." Rick Perry: "I have met the enemy and he is me." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Ben Jonson and Davey Johnson: One knew that "The Devil Is an Ass," but the other had never heard of Peter Angelos. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) Jim Bowie and David Bowie: Both are famous as blades. (Mark Raffman, Reston) Robin Roberts and John Roberts: Either one could throw a heck of a curveball. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Eddie Cantor and Eric Cantor: Each seemed to have the same guiding principle: "Bring Down the House." (Travis McKinney, San Antonio) Joyce Kilmer co-wrote with Billy Kilmer: "I think the world will never see/ A decent spiral thrown by me." (Joel Cockrell, Damascus, Md.) Dave Barry and Marion Barry: One of them thinks Crack Pipe Mayor would be a good name for a rock band. (Chris O'Carroll) Sherlock Holmes was featured in "A Study in Scarlet." John C. Holmes could have been featured in "A Stud in Scarlett." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Tobey McGuire and Mark McGwire: After he acquired superpowers from a dangerous chemical that surged into his bloodstream, he put on a costume and wowed crowds with feats of superhuman strength. The other was in "Spider-Man." (David Genser) J.S. Bach and Barbara Bach: Serious bragging rights if either ever touched your organ. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Michael Collins looked at clouds from even more sides than Judy Collins did. (Kevin Dopart) Ralph Reed and Rex Reed would make such a cute couple. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Bruce Wayne and Lil Wayne: One has an alter ego that serves up poetic justice; the other is an alter ego that serves up an injustice to poetry. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) If Robert Frost had bumped into Jack Frost, he would have written: The woods are lovely, I suppose... / But who's this creep that nips my nose? (Beverley Sharp) Unlike with George Bailey, the world wouldn't suffer if Beetle Bailey vanished today. (Kevin Dopart) Bobby Baker and Tammy Faye Bakker both employed elaborate cover-ups, but Bobby's didn't end up dripping all over his face. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Unlike Prince George's County's Leslie Johnson, Lyndon didn't hide anything under his shirt. (Kevin Dopart) Isabel Briggs Myers and Pat Myers: For Week 995, they'd suggest the hilarious match of an ISTJ with an ENFP. (Jim Deutsch, Washington) Many people anxiously await both Seth Meyers's and Pat Myers's weekend updates. (Christopher Lamora) Next week's results: Tour de Fours IX: V-O-T-E Now, or InviTE Voodoo. ====================================================================== WEEK 995, published November 4, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 995 Ask Backwards By Pat Myers, Nov 01, 2012 08:30 PM EDT An Invite perennial in its umpety-umpth incarnation, Ask Backwards is a contest in which we give you the "answers" and you supply jokes in the form of a question. We've usually compared this contest to "Jeopardy!," but it's really like Johnny Carson's giant-hatted Carnac the Magnificent (A. "The La Brea Tar Pits"; Q. What do you have left after eating the La Brea Tar Peaches?"), which itself was preceded by Steve Allen's Question Man ("A. Chicken Teriyaki. Q. Who was the last surviving member of the Japanese air force?"). Anyway, here are 12 "answers," several of which were supplied this week by Weingarten the Magnificent, a shambling but kindly-looking man we found on the sidewalk near Washington's Eastern Market. • Wikipedia Jones • The thing that goes "Woo" • A hug from Chris Christie • A legitimate belch • Sanskrit, Aramaic and Pig Latin • The Marine Corps Marathon • The Apple Core Marathon • Gangnam Style section • Pork belly with two sides • Google Mirth • A mink baculum • The La Brea Tar Pits The Style Invitational is The Post's weekly humor/wordplay contest, serving up since 1993 an irreverent mix of highbrow and lowbrow -- haughty and potty -- in genres ranging from neologisms to cartoon captions to elaborate song parodies. A new contest appears at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational every Friday. Style Conversational E-mail Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place is a genuine mink! Well, a genuine mink baculum. A baculum is a penis bone. This one is about the size of a sewing needle, with a little hook on the end. Donated by deservedly retired biology teacher Mike Creveling. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, possibly the new model whose slogan will be determined in last week's contest, Week 994. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 12; results published Dec. 1 (online Nov. 29). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 995" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline for the "Next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 991, in which we asked you to coin a new term incorporating the letters V, O, T and E, in any order but with no other letters between them: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Tevow: An electronic device that suppresses displays of religious fervor that occur during secular events. "I tevowed the Country Music Awards and watched the whole thing in 12 minutes." (Laurie Tompkins, Rockville, Md.) 2. Winner of the 1946-vintage Army surplus athletic supporter: Lovetobut (noun): A polite refusal of an invitation. "I have yoga class on Tuesday nights, so I gave the White House a lovetobut on the state dinner." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 3. Eve-to-Adam (noun): A piece of really bad advice. "Obama's advisers sure gave him an Eve-to-Adam when they told him to 'stay calm' during the first debate." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 4. Remote vortex: The mysterious place where household items seem to go. "The TV clicker had once again slipped into the remote vortex, along with four odd socks and the hamster." (Gordon Cobb, Atlanta) Petits fours: honorable mentions Getover: The person you have a one-night stand with right after a breakup and before the rebound person. "Trey's been bummed for weeks; he needs to hook up with a getover for his own good." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y; Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Glute-vow: A resolution to make the maximus more minimus. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Jive toikeys: Larry, Moe and Curly appear on "So You Think You Can Dance." (Bill McMahon, Ganges, B.C., a First Offender) Rove-time: That point in a campaign when the Republican candidate goes very, very negative. "This week's message is 'Don't vote for the foreign guy' — hey, it's Rove-time, baby!" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Mojito-Venus: She definitely looked better last night at the bar. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Covette: Your next-door neighbor's expensive new sports car. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) Eve-toga: A garment made of three strategically placed fig leaves. (Sudhir Vasudeva, McLean, Va., a First Offender) Keynote-Volvo: A politically safe but boring speech. "Boy, the speaker really revved the old keynote-Volvo. At least I got a new high score on Words With Friends." (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Voteverrrrr: One's reaction when faced with a set of equally unappealing candidates. (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) Carpet-over: A really bad hairpiece. Also known as a Jive-toupee. (Mark Raffman) Oreo-TV: a network that will never merge with BET. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Mittevolution: Morphing from moderate to conservative to ultra-conservative and back to moderate, all while maintaining that one's views have not changed. (Mark Raffman; Homeira Ghorbani, Washington, a First Offender) Lovetoot: An inadvertent, mood-breaking release — one more thing that never happens in movie sex scenes. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Liftovers: What you find on a cosmetic surgeon's floor. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Dovetales: Nostalgic accounts of marching in 1960s peace protests. (It just wouldn't be right to call them war stories.) (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Steve Gerritson, Bothell, Wash.) Toto-verse: Doggerel. (Chris Doyle) Heave-too: The instinct to vomit upon witnessing another person vomiting. (Bird Waring) Valet-voodoo: The reason miles magically appear on the odometer of a Ferrari. (Beverley Sharp) Pivot-Evade: Exercise No. 1 in "Debate Techniques for Presidential Candidates." (Gary Crockett) Divotee: A lousy but enthusiastic golfer. (Beverley Sharp) Rejectovelocity: The speed with which the Empress tosses your entry into the trash can. (Donald Brinson, Washington, a First Offender) Next week's results: Mittsterpiece Theatre, or Sesame Straits, ====================================================================== WEEK 996, published November 11, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 996: A Life-Time opportunity By Pat Myers, Thursday, November 8, 12:58 AM Combine Gourmet and Cat Fancy magazines: How to prepare the finest meal Tabby will never eat. Back in Week 985, we published five typically zany cartoons by the Nothing if Not Zany Bob Staake and asked the Losers to tell us which Invitational contest — an actual one or a new idea — it might be illustrating. One honorable mention went to Megaloser Kevin Dopart for his example for the the cartoon above. So let's not let Kevin's idea go to waste: This week: Combine two magazines or journals and describe the result, supply a marketing pitch, or suggest a story or two that it might publish. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulous foam-rubber life-size black rat on a ceramic wheel, brought back from Mexico by Beverley Sharp and donated to the Invite. You pull the string and release, and then La Rata rolls leisurely across the floor. See a video of the Empress's cat being decidedly unimpressed by this fine specimen of rodentia at bit.ly/InviteRat. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, possibly the new model whose slogan will be determined in the Week 994 contest. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 19; results published Dec. 9 (online Dec. 6). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 996" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Brad Alexander; the alternative headline in the "Next week" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 992, in which we asked — in the wake of Mitt Romney's debate vow that his administration wouldn't fund PBS — how the network, its shows and its characters would adapt to the commercial TV world. This rushed-into-print contest stepped awfully close to Week 959 (moving shows from one network to another), and really, there's not much on PBS that's not comparable to something on cable or the broadcast networks. But the Losers soldiered valiantly on; here are the successes. And we'll fill out the page with some Invite classics from some better-thought-out contests on screen themes. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial "The Civil War" will be remade with two different endings, depending on the part of the country you live in. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) 2. Winner of the seat cushion lined with genuine shredded U.S. currency: The Teletubbies would be used as punching bags on pay-per-view channels when the boxers warm up before a fight. People would pony up an extra $9.99 just to see this. (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.) 3. "Sesame Street" would be produced by the Children's Television Sweatshop. (Alan Hochbaum, Marietta, Ga.) 4. "American Masters" celebrates the oeuvre of Thomas Kinkade. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Downturn Abbey: Honorable mentions "Nature" would now be called "Damn, Nature, You Scary," hosted by Tracy Morgan. (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.) The production costs, but not the adventure, would be scaled back with "Where in Newark Is Carmen Sandiego?" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) After a move to the Syfy channel, "Ask This Old House" would air after "Ghost Hunters" and specialize in seances. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) The world's favorite cartoon monkey and the Man With the Yellow Hat finally hook up on the new Hustler TV series "Very Curious George." (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) After a move to BET, we'd have "Master P's Theatre." (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.; Gina Smith, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) Bill Nye the Science Guy gets a contract with "Breaking Bad" and boosts the production and quality of the meth. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Pledge Drive: No more begging you for money! This MTV version chronicles rush week at various Big 10 universities, as freshmen debauch and demean themselves to get into a fraternity or sorority. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) So what else is on? Classic reruns Lessons learned from the movies (Week LXXXIX, 2001): At all speeches, the microphone will squeak once, before allowing the speaker to continue with no further problem. (Alan Hochbaum; Timothy Gotwald, Chambersburg, Pa.) When a man and a woman get very, very mad at each other, it usually turns quickly into passionate kissing. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) In the future, everyone will wear jumpsuits yet no one will look fat in them. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia, Md.) Eveboedy vit akhsent spik Engleesh lik deez. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel, Md.) Slightly altered TV show titles (Week 577, 2004): "Antique Road Ho": A poignant drama about a broken-down hooker still working the street. (Russell Beland, Springfield, Va.) "The Fraidy Bunch": A family is constantly on guard against pollen, war, strangers, people who are too nice, identity theft and big dogs. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.) "Eighth Is Enough": The Wizards pursue their perennial quest to finish just high enough in their conference to make the playoffs. (Roy Ashley) "Bunsmoke": Watch the Olympic luge team in training! (Judith Cottrill, New York) "Gnats Landing": The joys of summer picnicking. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.) Next week's results: 'Versus' verses, or Trash of the Titans ====================================================================== WEEK 997, published November 18, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 997 Unworthy causes By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, November 15, 4:00 PM 'Tis the season for newspaper articles to begin with " 'Tis the season," and this week we'll do our part and remind you to support any or all of the literally thousands of charities you can assist through United Way or the Combined Federal Campaign. On the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook, Not-Yet-a-Loser Daphne Steinberg noted that the CFC "Catalog of Caring" (bit.ly/cfc-2012) lists such diverse organizations as the National Speleological Society (preserving caves) and Dogs Finding Dogs (using dogs to find lost dogs, duh). Yes, we know that all of those causes are worthy ones, so Daphne thinks the Loser Community ought to come up with some that aren't: This week: Name a dubious charity and describe its mission. You might also want to include a line from its pitch to potential donors. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a prize we've been waiting all year to give out: a genuine caganer, brought back from Barcelona by Loser Elizabeth Molye. A caganer is a traditional figurine that's placed in Catalan Nativity scenes and depicts a cherubic child who is blithely, well, pooping away in a manger. This one is only about two inches high. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, possibly the new model whose slogan will be determined in the Week 994 contest. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 26; results published Dec. 16 (online Dec. 13). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 997" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Chris Doyle.; the alternative headline for the "Next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 993, in which we asked you to engage two historical or fictional figures in a mini-version of Epic Rap Battles of History, the immensely popular video site. It won't shock regular Invite readers that we ended up not caring so much if the cleverest rhymes hadn't so much a phat beat as a fat beat. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Aunt Jemima vs. Mrs. Butterworth: Aunt J: You got an old-lady voice that always sounds so proper! Always hating on the leading runny pancake topper! You say you're thick and rich, now that's hard to chew — You're just a talking plastic bottle! I'll recycle you! Mrs. B: You're better than me, huh? You'd better check your label: It's not just me who's putting hexametaphosphate on the table! You're just jealous of the squeezing that I get every day— You're an aunt, but I'm a Mrs., and that's all I'm gonna say! (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) 2. Winner of "Now Wash Your Hands," a book about toilets: First Witch from "Macbeth": You wrote a few old cookbooks. So? Big freakin' deal! In my cauldron I am makin' a more exotic meal! Julia Child: I spit upon your bat and on your tongue of dog;(But I confess: That there is one luscious-looking frog!) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3. Pontius Pilate: We've been at this for hours, and I'd like to go home. Traffic's getting pretty heavy on all roads that lead to Rome. Jesus: You need to practice patience and become more unselfconscious That my Father named me Jesus and your father named you Pontius. Pilate: Naming is irrelevant! They say you walk on water! (My life'd be so much easier if Mary'd had a daughter!) Jesus: Have you seen my halo, Pontius? It's as if my head were sky-lit! The biggest diff between us, bro, is that God is my pilot. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) 4. John Grisham: My immense success just goes to show what's achievable When you have no talent — it's really unbelievable! Dan Brown: You think you have no talent? Let me tell you, suckah, I can't write for dirt and I can't even rhyme! (Andrew Ballard, London) Under raps: Honorable mentions Abominable Snowman: You think you're gross? I'm grosser, and indomitable! And furthermore, folks tell me I'm abominable. Medusa: My snaky locks are writhing like spaghetti; Come take a look! You ain't seen nuthin', yeti! (Beverley Sharp) Adam: "Try this fruit!" says you, my rib-stealing be-otch! Now the Original Sinna's gotta fig-leaf his cre-otch. Eve: For the very first man, yo' head is way second-rate — You'd be outta luck, playa, if I'd a choice in my mate. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Easter Bunny: "Your North Pole ice is melting fast, and Mrs. Claus has sung at last! Your slave-kept elves will all applaud when kids find out that you're a fraud." Santa Claus: "I have no fear, you furry freak, who lays the eggs for hide-and-seek! When those kids learn the same 'bout you, in no time you'll be Brunswick Stew." (Mark Raffman, Reston) Santa vs. Raffi (Amanda Yanovitch, featuring James and Bruce Yanovitch, ages 9 and 7) Kanye West: Interruption! Interruption! I gotta get a word in! The fact you beat Beyoncé's just a little bit absurd, an' — Taylor Swift: Yo, Westie, maybe country music's not your thing, But there's two of us on stage right now, and only one can sing. (Christopher Lamora) Neil Armstrong: You presidents, you're all the same, But one small step assured my fame! Gerald Ford: I run the show, command our troops; I've taken LOTS of steps, and (OOPS!) .?.?. (Beverley Sharp) Julia Child: You baked your aunt in a brioche? Your taste in food, mon Dieu, très gauche! Dear gastro-fool, when eating Auntie: Pecorino or Chianti? Hannibal Lecter: I'll carve your face in bas-relief, you massive, pompous side of beef! Take heed or I'll remove your heart, frappé it in my Cuisinart! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Thomas Edison: Nikky-boy, you worked for me, I am the boss. I got Direct profits, you pulled a loss. I'm the Wizard of Menlo, with patents that burgeon, You're a footnote of history, and you died a virgin. Nikola Tesla: You may have done some experiments but I did all your math. Maybe you should experiment with a light bulb in the bath. It may be a shock to you, we're Alternating today: Your current gets a D, while my current gets an A. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Thor: You're still just a human; I'm a legendary god. Get as tall as you like; you'll make a nice lightning rod. Bruce Banner: Go ahead, bring your lightning and you'll lose in a flash As I grind you to .?.?. oh, forget the rap. HULK SMASH! (Stephen Gilberg, Washington) Calvin Coolidge: I'm Silent Cal. What's your name, pal? Marcel Marceau: ??????????(Beverley Sharp) Kurt Cobain: You're called prophet of the people, the apex of folk, But your voice and your image are truly baroque. Profit OFF the people is a title more deserved; Go say a prayer, you've now just been served! Bob Dylan: Your tired old gimmick, what they called grunge Took no time at all for the world to expunge. My words ring true, spare and with verve. Smells like you're passe — oops, did I hit a Nirv? (Mike Gips, Bethesda) Mozart: I dropped my first song when I was just 5, Had more hits than anyone alive! Beethoven: So what, punk, you know who I am? I'm the OG who made the first Deaf Jam! (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Tycho Brahe: I can take the true measure of any old star And noseless or not, I describe you bizarre. Michael Jackson: A phony-nosed white guy, well it couldn't be clearer — I could get those same views from the man in the mirror. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The Empty Chair: You made yourself ridiculous, but people laughed by dint Of the fact that after all is said and done, you still are Clint, The macho hero action star whose life is an adventure, And so they cheered as if your words were wit and not dementia. Clint Eastwood: You wussy piece of furniture! You bentwood empty fool! You think that you're a chair but you are just a hunk of stool, A castoff dumped in garbage bins, and certainly you're not a man. My butt will squash you when I sit. Hey, Romney! Bring an ottoman! (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Barbie: You look like me now and I think that's fantastic. Your best parts could be mine — they're all made out of plastic. Heidi Montag: Well, now, speaking of parts — and the guys you've been dating: Mine come fully equipped, not some neutered G-rating. (Kevin Dopart) Mitt: Young lad, we've had our fill of you; my bottom line's unhealthy. Our land can prosper still if you just leave it to the wealthy. Barack: Old man, your kind of gladder day is ancient and passe; Annette The Mouseketeer has had her day, just like the horse and bayonet. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) Richard Dawkins: If it weren't for your religion, we'd be saying, "Tebow who?" The Virgin Mary has a better throwing arm than you. So bow to the inevitable, get down on one knee, And pray that you evolve into a better QB. Tim Tebow: Jesus said, "Love your neighbor; perfect love casts out fear," So remember that I love you while I'm kicking your rear. Stop insulting all religions, and please don't be a hater. I'll beat you with the power of Christ (and Matt Prater). (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) Michele Bachmann: Yo, Matthews, does your leg still thrill to Barack Hussein Obama? I hear he thrilled more than the leg of the slut you call your mama. If only he were half as good at acting presidentially. He fooled the voters but we'll bring Obama down eventually. Chris Matthews: Michele, you right-wing zombie, can't you see your guy Mitt Romney Would have screwed the 99 percent the way he screwed your mommy? So go now, sit in Congress on your skinny wing-nut rump. You may have better hair but you're a bigger clown than Trump. (Robert Schechter) Paris Hilton: "Uh .?.?. what?" Kim Kardashian: "Huh?" (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) Next week's results: Stick It to Us, or Keeping Up With Adherences ====================================================================== WEEK 998, published November 25, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 998 There ought to be your law By Pat Myers, Updated: Wednesday, November 21, 6:46 PM Real law: In Massachusetts it is illegal to play only part of "The Star-Spangled Banner." (General Laws, Part IV, Title I, Chapter 264, Section 9) Not a real law: In Massachusetts all dogs riding on car roofs must wear diapers. (Mike Gips, Bethesda) You've probably seen those lists of "stupid laws still on the books." Eighty-two-time Loser Mike Gips did, and then suggested this week's contest: Suggest an odd law for a particular place in the world, perhaps prompted by some event that future generations would lose track of. You may also specify the punishment for breaking the law. Alas, most of the really ridiculous "still on the books" laws in these widely circulated lists — that women in Tucson are forbidden to wear pants, or that in Florida, it is illegal to fart in a public place after 6 p.m. — don't actually exist. But that doesn't stop us from adding to them. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a (we hope) unique product: An ill-conceived craft project that the Empress found at a church bazaar, it consists of a bonnet-shaped brimmed basket with a little glass bowl in the middle. On the brim have been glued various sections of a dismembered teddy bear lying on its back — arms on the sides, legs on one end, head at the other end, so that the bowl is in the middle (I would fill it with giblets). But to top it off, the bear head has been modified to include antlers and a red nose — so we have Rudolph the Red-Nosed, Fleshy-Pawed, Dismembered Reindeer/Bear Hybrid. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 3; results published Dec. 23 (online Dec. 20). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 998" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Jeff Contompasis; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 994, in which we asked for ideas for our two new lusted-after Loser Magnets given to honorable mentions. The slogans are by the Losers; the design and art are by our resident magnetician, Bob Staake, who has gained such stature in the Real Publishing World that we now value each business-card-size magnet at $10,000, up from the previous 21 cents. As usual, we'll have 500 of each of these made, so this pair should last us about a year. After that, we might dig back into these results for the next set. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial plus the magnet featuring his idea: [See the "not(e)worthy" design at the top of the page.] (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) 2. Winner of this magnet featuring her idea (see below), plus a romance/fantasy/sci-fi novel written by Tom Witte's mother-in-law: Discredit Card (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3. Po' Wit Laureate (Roger Hammons, Ashburn, Va.) 4. (With picture of the Empress) We Ain't Not Amused / Honorable Mention (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Mag-nyets: Honorable mentions Magnum Dopus (Beverley Sharp) Second to Some / Honorable Mention (Oliver Crown Williams, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) (With picture of a scornful Empress) E. Loves Me Not / Honorable Mention (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Hardly Har-Har / Honorable Mention (Barbara Turner) My Other Magnet Is From the Pulitzers (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Glib Till It Hurts (Julia Shawham, Silver Spring, Md.) Sis Boom Blah! (Mary E. Moore, Gladwyne, Pa.) My Other Refrigerator Is in the Back Yard (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Certificate of Underachievement (Kevin Dopart, Washington) I Submit to the Empress (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Abandon Taste, All Ye Who Enter Here (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) (With picture of toilet) Jest Passing Through (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) Hey, Loser: Stick This! — The Empress (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.; Travis McKinney, San Antonio) Only 700 More of These and I Can Tile My Kitchen Floor (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) On the Verge of Average/ Honorable Mention (Arden Levine, New York) wiseCRACK ADDICT (Mike Gips) Blather, Wince, Repeat: The Style Invitational (Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.) Lexicomic Relief: The Style Invitational (Lois Douthitt, Arlington, Va.) (Picture of a guy with finger in nose) An Honor Just to Be Picked (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Losing: My Religion (Mark Raffman, Reston) I MADE THE EMPRESS upCHUCKLE (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) On the Lunatic Fridge (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) The Wit Hit the Fan (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.; Jon Hamblin, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) Budget Metal Detector (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Crudos! Honorable Mention, The Style Invitational (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Next week's results: Ask Backwards, or Query Picking ====================================================================== WEEK 999, published December 2, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 999 A drectrospective — enter any of the year's contests By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, November 29, 1:25 PM We'd been calling this annual contest "Look Back in Inker," referring to our old "Thinker"-spoof trophy, but "Look Back in Inkin' Memorial" doesn't have that same zing. In any case, this is your big chance to send in that fabulous entry that you thought of when you were reading the results of another contest, or the one your computer ate a few months ago: This week: Enter any Style Invitational contest from Week 946 through Week 995, except for Week 948, this week's counterpart from last year. You're free to reference events that have happened since those contests. Use as few or many contests as you like, as long as your entry total doesn't exceed 25. You may refer to events that have occurred since the contest was published (except for the Week 952 obit poems, which should still be about people who died in 2011); for contests that ask you to use that week's Post, use this week's. Since there's so little space in the print paper, longer-form entries are likely to run only online. And you don't even have to clean out your birdcage: Links to all the contests are at wapo.st/StyleInv (note that there's a single link to a page of other links for Weeks 946-951, and that they're listed at or near the top of the list). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a can of genuine dehydrated water, donated by Loser Edward Gordon. The label advises that the dried H2O is useful for a long list of pursuits, including dry-mopping floors, adding VW Bug coolant, and humidifying saunas. We guarantee that it will not spill. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 10; results published Dec. 30 (online Dec. 27). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 999" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "Next week" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 995, our perennial Ask Backwards contest, in which we offered a dozen phrases and asked what questions they could be answering: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial A. The La Brea Tar Pits. Q. Other than the Cuban politburo, where is the best place in the Western Hemisphere to find a bunch of Pleistocene fossils? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2. Winner of the baculum, or penis bone, of a mink: A. A mink baculum. Q. What does Donald Trump give his fired employees instead of a golden parachute? (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 3. A. The thing that goes "woo" During one of his senior moments, what did Joe Biden call his beloved Metroliner? (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) 4. A. Wikipedia Jones. Q. Who is the hero in "Raiders of the Lost Archive"? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Question mocks: honorable mentions A HUG FROM CHRIS CHRISTIE What was the last thing the Hurricane Sandy survivor remembered before losing consciousness? (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) On the list of "Things People Most Fear," what is immediately behind "A sloppy wet one from Joe Biden"? (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) What is an inexpensive way to get a breast reduction? (Frank Bruno, Columbia, Md., a First Offender) What possible reward causes the Jets to intentionally miss the playoffs every year? (Ken Schwartz, Burke, Va.) What was Obama training for when he let himself be lifted up by that pizza shop guy? (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) THE LA BREA TAR PITS Where did Maria Shriver plan to stop with Arnold prior to visiting the La Brea Feather Mounds? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) What is the nickname of the LAX smoking lounge? (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) What's the worst-named high school track team? (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Where does Larry King go for his high school reunions? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) When we've sucked ANWR dry, where will we drill, baby, drill? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) GOOGLE MIRTH What does your mapping software feel when its directions lead you over a cliff? (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) What did Al Gore do to celebrate inventing the Internet? (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va., a First Offender) What does $683 a share generate? (David Garratt) PORK BELLY WITH TWO SIDES What do you call Chris Christie and his sign language and Spanish interpreters? (Bill Smith, Reston, Va.) What do you get when you break apart a bacon Mobius strip? (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) What is another name for congressional bipartisanship? (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.; Edward Gordon, Austin; Ron Averyt, Severna Park) What's Paula Deen's idea of a hot threesome? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) A MINK BACULUM What gift will make my wife wish she hadn't asked so imprecisely for "something mink"? (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) What's the best auto-correct for "Michele Bachmann"? (Seth Brown) What do Lorena Bobbitt's children yank apart instead of a lucky wishbone? (David Garratt) What is inside the world's softest jockstrap? (Robert Schechter) A LEGITIMATE BELCH Other than women, what does Todd Akin try mightily to suppress? (Nan Reiner) What would standing on one's head and farting not count as? (Dudley Thompson) WIKIPEDIA JONES What does Ken Jennings get when he's offline for too long? (Mike Gips) GANGNAM STYLE SECTION What birthing method requires that the mother jump around like she's riding a horse until the baby pops out? (Jerry Birchmore) What's the worst car for a commute on the Seoul Train? (Kevin Dopart) THE THING THAT GOES "WOO" What did the Debutante of Frankenstein call her suitor? (Kevin Dopart) What is the result of ingesting the Straight Viagra/Cialis Four-Hour Cocktail? (Howard Walderman) SANSKRIT, ARAMAIC AND PIG LATIN What were the native tongues of the three Magi: Gupta, Moshe and Berlusconi? (Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.) As David Petraeus became progressively more reckless in his e-mails to his biographer, how were his messages conveyed? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Mel Gibson can spout insults involving female private parts in which languages? (Kevin Dopart) Who were the Three Mouthketeers? (Bill McMahon, Ganges, B.C.) THE MARINE CORPS MARATHON During what event does the average traffic speed in D.C. increase from 2 mph to 6 mph? (Mike Gips) Which D.C.-centered race this year did conservatives correctly predict that the Kenyan wouldn't win? (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) What is the only Pentagon program that does not have an overrun? (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) What do the hookers in Quantico do every Saturday night? (Nan Reiner) What is 500 feet shorter than the line to vote in Prince William County? (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) What endurance race should never be referred to as the "Jaunty Jarhead Jiffy Jog?" (Dudley Thompson) THE APPLE CORE MARATHON What could you call the daily commute to Midtown Manhattan? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) What institution was born when Adam and Eve started running around looking for fig leaves? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) What device is slower, less sophisticated and yet inexplicably more popular than the Samsung Core Marathon? (Mark Raffman) In which sporting event are the athletes allowed to be juiced? (Robert Schechter) Next week's results: A Life-Time Opportunity, or Zines From a Marriage, our contest to combine two magazines and describe the result. ====================================================================== WEEK 1000, published December 9, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 1000: We now have 4 digits; you now have 7 letters. By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, December 6, 2:56 PM Today we commemorate the 1,000th time that The Washington Post's illustrious masthead has been besmirched by The Style Invitational, its weekly repository for clever, pointed, sophisticated, irreverent, off-color and occasionally juvenile humor and wordplay — sometimes all of those in a single joke — from more than 4,500 devoted readers to date, some of whom have been entering the contest since Week 1 in 1993, sending entries first by mail, then by fax, then digitally (occasionally the third digit has come into play), to the Czar through 2003 and to the Empress since. Worldwide, the Invitational's name is best associated with what we've come to call Our Greatest Hit: a neologism contest to change a word by a single letter and define the result. Though we've repeated this contest several times over our almost 20 years of existence, it's a list of results from back in 1998 that continues to be shared the most on the Internet, sometimes with the hyper-inaccurate name of "Mensa Invitational" and usually including words that weren't Invite entries, but lame additions stuck onto it like deer ticks along its endless tour through cyberspace. So let's saddle up our most trusty of warhorses one more time: This week: Choose any word, name or two-word term beginning anywhere from T through Z; then add one letter, drop one letter, substitute one letter for another, or transpose two adjacent letters, and define the result. Remember that it's the original word, not your neologism, that has to begin with T through Z. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the fine volume "Stuck Up!: 100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn't Be," donated by Jeff Contompasis. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 17; results published Jan. 6 (online Jan. 3). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1000" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte, whose first Invite ink was in Week 7; he now has more than 1,200 blots. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 996, in which we asked you to combine two magazines and describe the results, or name a story that might be included: Some combinations that were funny on their own without descriptions: Martha Stewart Living + American Jail = Better Homes & Pardons (Richard Wong, Derwood, Md.); Road & Track + Gourmet = Autobahn Appetit; plus Horse & Rider + Playboy = Undressage (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.); and Mad + GQ = Goofus & Gallant (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.). The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Army Times + Playboy: Featuring the special Biographers Issue. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 2. Winner of the rolling toy rat: Astronomy and Astrophysics + Nuclear Physics: Sure, it has pictures of heavenly bodies, but I buy it for the particles. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) 3. Real Simple Sports Illustrated: This month's action-packed issue highlights the 2012 International Tag Open. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) 4. Parenting + Commentary: Nagging (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Weaklies: honorable mentions Food & Wine + the International Journal of Transgenderism: How to Eat, Drink and Be Mary. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Popular Mechanics + Oil & Gas Journal: This month: DIY fracking in your backyard. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Philosophical Review + High Times: The college freshman's deep-thinking journal. Featuring "But Suppose, Like, We're All Living in an Alternative Universe Right Now, You Know?" (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) Playboy + Popular Science: "Silicone: It's Not Just for Bathtub Caulk!" (Frank Mann, Washington, a First Offender) Southern Living + Guns & Ammo: "How to Deal With Lingering Guests" (Tony Medici, Oakton, Va., a First Offender) Stone Soup + Cooking Light: "Pumice, the New White Meat" (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) This Old Penthouse: "Grab your tools, fellas, 'cause it's time to get busy! (Rob Huffman) History Today + Sunset: Continued coverage of Mitt Romney. (David Genser) Women's Health + American Conservative: "Which Involuntary Invasive Ultrasound Is Right for You?" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AARP the Magazine + Boxing News: "Sick of being patronized by people half your age? This month, Sugar Ray Leonard shows you how to turn "How ARE we today, Mrs. Johnson?" into sweet, sweet silence." (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Scouting — Out: A magazine filled with blank pages for gay boys to write on while their friends are on a camping trip. (Brian Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Readers Digest People: "Hannibal Lecter's secret liver recipe!" (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.; Rob Huffman) Psychology Today + Cigar Aficionado: Sometimes just cigars. (Tony Medici) Celebrity Hairstyles + Highlights for Children: "Honey Boo Boo Goes Blond on Blond!" (Gary Crockett) Where + AARP the Magazine: This month: "10 Most Likely Places You Left Your Keys" and "10 Most Likely Places You Left Your Keys" (Frank Osen) Science Prevention: How to keep the evils of evolution from reaching your schoolkids. (Howard Zahalsky, Vienna, Va., a First Offender) Cat Fancy + American Atheist = Dog does not exist! (Lawrence McGuire) Self O: Free with a subscription to Playboy. (Jason Russo, Annandale) Papercrafts Magazine + Hustler: Creative origami for dirty fold men. (Lawrence McGuire) Bluegrass Unlimited + Men's Health: An interview with Alan Flomax . (Roy Ashley, Washington) Psychology Today + Mother Jones: "The Oedipus Complex Simplified" (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Oxygen and Match!: Boom! (Chris Doyle) And Last: Inc. & Hustler: This entry definitely deserves to make the paper, doesn't it, Empress, huh? (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Next week's results: Unworthy Causes, or Broken Alms ====================================================================== WEEK 1001, published December 16, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 1001 In short, send us a new acronym. By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, December 13, 6:00 PM If your 21st-century incarnation of the typewriter has you "typing" with one finger instead of 10, or if your "content-sharing platform" lets you impart your deepest thoughts as long as they don't exceed 140 characters, you can appreciate a good acronym. And our own (well, rented-once-a-week) cartoonist Bob Staake coined his own a while back, and even has a Web page to promote it: "LOL is too cute. ROFL is too lame. LMAO just isn't funny. The new Internet acronym is: PIMPL (Peeing in My Pants Laughing)." This week, in a contest suggested in another context by Dave Scocca: Give us a funny, original acronym (and of course what it stands for). In its traditional definition, an acronym is a pronounceable word, not an abbreviation that you pronounce letter by letter. But while true acronyms are likely to be more interesting, I'll also consider short spell-out abbreviations that send me ROFLing. A funny sample tweet or other short sentence is a plus. An unfunny one isn't so great in a humor contest, KWIM? The acronym doesn't have to include every word of the spelled-out term; you may skip articles or prepositions. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a bubble wand depicting what Loser Barbara Turner deemed the Vampire Butterfly — presumably to make a better bubble somehow, the butterfly's mouth consists of a circle lined with teeth. Speaking of orifices (as we are wont to do), we'll also throw in a nose-shaped pencil sharpener, donated by Marleen May. Yes, you stick the pencil in a nostril. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 24 (why, do you have something better to do that day?); results published Jan. 13 (online Jan. 10). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1001" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline for the "Next week's results" line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 997, in which, in this season of giving, we asked you to offer up some Unworthy Causes, or dubious charities. There seems to be much Loser support for a Fund for the 1 Percent. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Washington Wizards Basketball Camp Foundation: Contributions help provide basketball lessons to actual Washington Wizards. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2. Winner of the caganer, the traditional Catalan Nativity figurine of a pooping child: Bigots Defense Fund: Did you know that Bigo-Americans are the most oppressed minority group in America today? Please give generously — even you Jews. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) 3. Shy Bladders Anonymous: A 12-step public restroom program. "Pee all that you can pee." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 4. Tweeting Is Fundamental: Because today's teenagers really need lessons in how to be more sarcastic. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Goof Samaritans: honorable mentions The Young Men With Guns Club: Give now! I said NOW. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) The National Foundation Foundation: A support group for fallen women. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Show Your Can! Your donations purchase fake cans of food to be used as props at future celebrity disaster fundraising events. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) The March of Loonies: Your spare Canadian coins can help find a cure for sanity. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) The American Rung Association: Sponsoring charity balls for social climbers. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) So Others Might Cheat: This compassionate group provides cellphones, adult Web site memberships, and even money for motels to indigent married people who otherwise could not afford the joys of infidelity. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) National Trust for Histrionic Preservation: Show! Us! You! Care! (Anne Shively, Broadlands, Va.) APPS (Adults Paired Proactively or Something): This organization pairs teen mentors with adults to save the latter from such daily mortifications as mispronouncing Ke$ha or wondering aloud what MILF means. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) The Terrorist Reformation Society: We help would-be terrorists turn their lives around by giving them the tools they need for a legitimate trade, such as fertilizer for farming, nails for building and bullets for hunting. (Scott Poyer, Annapolis, Md.) Plutocrats Anonymous: Brother, can you spare a diamond? (Chris Doyle) Graypeace: A commuter-centric organization focused on preventing the nation's precious parking lots from being wiped out and turned into unpaved, undrivable space. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) Yellow Kevlar Ribbon Fund: Your gift supports our troops with research into new high-strength materials to tie generals' zippers shut. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Money to Burn:To combat society's lamentable obsession with the pursuit of money, we collect cash donations and publicly burn them. (No coins, please.) (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) The VDW: Addressing the needs of our surviving veterans of America's domestic wars. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Floridians Lining Up to Fight Frostbite (FLUFF): We're winning the battle — no reported cases last year! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) The EBookmobile: 40-foot-long RVs deliver e-books on thumb drives to kids who forget their network passwords. (David Genser) Solicitors Alliance for the Demoralized (SAD): Our focus is to restore and rebuild the lost confidence and vanquished self-esteem affecting telemarketers, pollsters and door-to-door salesmen suffering rejection after rejection. Help expand our program so we can stop turning these desperate people away! (Jonathan and Marna Gettleman, Ashburn, Va.) Jaywalkers Against Verbal Abuse: A fund to provide earmuffs for sensitive street-crossers who get yelled at. (Nandini Lal, Bethesda, Md.) Animals for the Ethical Treatment of People: A confederation of grizzlies dedicated to giving terrified hikers a 30-second head start. (Beverley Sharp) Smooth-Tailed Urban Ground Squirrel Rescue League: "Look at this poor creature living in the shadows, scrounging to stay alive. Surely he would thrive in a good home .?.?." (Mark Raffman; Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Unplanned Parenthood: An affiliate of the Just Say No Foundation. "We deliver! Good luck after that!" (Kathy El-Assal) Writer's Block Relief Fund: Charity begins a tome. (Chris Doyle) The Pro Defamation League: Help wipe out amateur insults and bigotry. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Glove Me Tender: Raising money to provide gloves for American League designated hitters so that they don't feel left out in the dugout. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) Appendix Donor Registry: Maintains a database of patients waiting to replace a lost vestige. (Jeff Contompasis) The Jail Bait Fund: Sponsor one of the young ladies pictured below and we will send you monthly photo updates of your young woman as she develops. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Socks Without Partners: Every day thousands of socks across the country mysteriously lose their "sole mates" in washers and dryers, ending up forgotten in the backs of drawers, or humiliated by being used to buff the wax on cars. Please contribute to help these poor socks find a match. (Bill Nilsen, Arlington) The Salivation Army: "It won't be your heart that grows three sizes": For every $25 donated, Santa's helper Dancer or Vixen will give you a special Christmas story complete with a happy ending. For $50 you can get an oral story. (Bird Waring) Namibian Environmental Restoration Fund: In 1976 "Saturday Night Live" anticipated this contest with "Fondue Sets for Namibia." Unfortunately, many of those fondue sets now sit in landfills, leaching toxic metals into the soil. Now please give to retrieve the fondue sets from Namibia. (Mark Raffman) Next week's results: There Ought to Be Your Law, or Justice Is Swerved ====================================================================== WEEK 1002, published December 23, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 1002: Ring out the OED By Pat Myers, In the wake of some news recently that a number of words had been deleted by a former editor of the Oxford English Dictionary, we figured that it was time for another go at messing with the OED ourselves. It's Installment 3 of a contest we started in 2007: Here's a list of words that OED-subscribing Losers Ann Martin and Mike Gips found in two slivers of the vast tome of current and archaic terms. If you know what any of them mean — for example, that a kebbie is a stick with a hooked head – that's all well and good, but it's of no use this week, because we want you to make up a false definition for any of the words listed here. As usual with Invite word contests, you may use the word in a funny sentence but not in an unfunny sentence. The words: hiddy-giddy; higgle; hilus; himple; hinderyeap; hirrie-harrie; hispidulous; hornito; hounce; housty; huddon; huff-duff; huffkin; humdudgeon; humstrum; idiopt; ikat; impone; inti; izzard; jaffle; jank; jargogle; jaunder; jeg; jeistiecor; jemmy; jeofail; jerkinet; jerque; jobble; jub; juffle; jugum; karabe; karzy; kasturi; kausia; kebbie; keek; kelch; kerygma; kest; khor; kikar; kimkam; kiver; knosp; kombers; kreep; kuki; kumiss; kurvey. To see them in list form, click here or see the print version of the Invitational in The Post's Sunday Style section. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a tin of peppermint-flavored "Potenz Pillen," or potency pills, whose gag-giftiness is indicated by a cartoon of a hairy, um, men's potency center, and a rhyme roughly translated from the German as "If you swallow these pills down/ You'll be the finest lover aroun'." Donated by Loser Roy Ashley, who doesn't need no stinkin' pillen. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 31; results published Jan. 20 (online Jan. 17). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1002" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "Next week" line is by Kathy El-Assal. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 998, in which we asked for bogus "still on the books" laws: Perhaps before long they'll be appended to the almost just as bogus lists of such laws circulating everywhere online. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial In Bethlehem, Pa., an innkeeper MUST provide a room for a hugely pregnant woman (because you just never know.?.?.). (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2. Winner of the dismembered-teddy-bear Christmas basket: At Baltimore baseball games, it's illegal to sing more than one word of the national anthem. (Ed Molnar, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) 3. In Arizona, there is a 14-day waiting period for purchasing a gun lock. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) 4. In New York City, it is unlawful to initiate negotiations with a tabloid before Lindsay Lohan actually finishes assaulting you. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Half-writs: honorable mentions In California it is not illegal to feed animals in the park, but you are required to report the caloric content of everything you give them. (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) In Italy, sex with underage prostitutes is mandatory for all men who wish to become politicians. Female politicians just need to look hot. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) It is illegal to spit on a functioning Metro elevator in the District of Columbia. No violations have yet been reported. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) In Colorado, it is unlawful to look wimpy. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) In the Florida Everglades, it is illegal to catch and gut an alligator out of season, unless you are attempting to retrieve your severed arm. (Beverley Sharp) In Arizona, it's illegal to pronounce "Jesus" with an h-sound. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) In Texas, it is unlawful to refer to Barack Obama without making air quotes around "president." (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) New Jersey statute: All doors in the governor's offices and residences shall be at least as wide as they are high, with a five-foot minimum for both. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) In Hawaii, it is illegal to drive your car to another state. (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.) In Roswell, N.M., it is illegal to hold three-headed races. (Roger Hammons, Ashburn, Va.) It is illegal in Ireland to possess a long temper. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) On cars purchased in Massachusetts, directional signals are optional equipment. Nevah use 'em. Why pay for 'em? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) In Alabama, all state laws must fit onto two equal-size stone tablets. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Wisconsin now permits public employee unions to bargain only over how many "Dilbert" cartoons may be displayed on cubicle walls. (David Genser) In Topeka, Kan., mammogram results may be shown only between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. (Kevin Dopart) High school biology textbooks in Kansas must explain that parts of "Jurassic Park" were meant to be merely allegorical. (David Genser) In Saudi Arabia, it is currently illegal for women to have an opinion. As punishment, the opinion of the offending woman is taken away from her and given to the next in a line of male applicants. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) The town of Blue Mounds, Wis., prohibits women from going topless in winter. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) In Virginia, the "No Person Left Inside" law requires that the census include a transvaginal ultrasound of every female of childbearing age. (Roger Hammons) To counter charges that it is weak on ethics, The D.C. Council has enacted a "three strikes" law: Any council member convicted of three felonies will be barred from receiving free tickets to Nationals games. (Gerry Ives, Washington, a First Offender) In New York it is illegal to do the "Shave and a Haircut" knock on the front door of a home unless you are a member of a recognized crime family. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) The Eureka, Ill., law that states a man with a mustache may not kiss a woman in public areas has been misstated due to a typographical error. (Bird Waring) Next week's results: A Drectrospective, or Redux ad Absurdum ====================================================================== WEEK 1003, published December 30, 2012 The Style Invitational Week 1003: Just do it: Repurpose an ad slogan By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, December 27, 6:00 PM For Otis Elevators: "Good to the Last Drop" For Crest fluoride toothpaste: "Tastes Great, Less Filling" The first is an old joke, the second maybe not. In any case, we were surprised that we couldn't find this contest — suggested by Loser Jeff Contompasis — on the list of our previous 1,002 columns kept by Proto-Loser Elden Carnahan. (We'd had one recently for altering a slogan, but not for using it as is.) Your mission is pretty clear: Use a well-known advertising slogan for a different company, organization or product to humorous effect, as in the Maxwell House and Miller Lite slogans above. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an amazing self-published large paperback book sent to the Post newsroom presumably by its author, Steven Discenza, "New Boss of All Bosses on Staten Island." Its title inexplicably refers to a "magical" sex organ, while the subtitle is "Knowledge Is Power and Education Is the Key to Success." It's not easy to discern the point of the book, but it seems that Mr. Discenza is very angry with the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission. Lavishly illustrated, though fortunately the title character is nowhere to be found. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 7; results published Jan. 27 (online Jan. 24). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1003" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Chris Doyle; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 999, in which we let you enter, or reenter, just about any of our contests from the past year, updating the material for current-events contests: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: From Week 946, cynical definitions: Date night: A dinner out at which a husband and wife pretend they haven't seen each other on the toilet. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 2. Winner of the can of genuine dehydrated water: From Week 982, song parodies including a line from the original: To "Hit the Road, Jack," as sung by D.C. Mayor Vincent Gray and the Graylettes: (start clip at 0:34) "Oh, people, my people, don't you fuss and complain; I didn't know nothin' 'bout my campaign. Don't know Jeffrey Thompson or Sulaimon Brown, Or rakin' in cash without writin' it down. But I guess if you say so, I'll have to pack my things and go." "That's right! Hit the road, Vince. You suckered us since Day One, Day One, Day One, Day One! Hit the road, Vince. You played us but now you're done." (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 3. Week 989, combine two professions: A Tlingit carver stars in "Death of a Salesman" because he always wanted to be Loman on the totem pole. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 4. Week 975, debunk a myth: It is not true that the American Dream is for a chicken in every pot. Actually it is in a large paper bucket. With a 32-ounce soda. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) Much redo about nothing: honorable mentions Week 946, cynical definitions: Mistress: A miss who can only lead to stress. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Blogger: Someone with high self-esteem and a keyboard. (Jeff Hazle) Genius: One percent inspiration, 99 percent PR. (Lawrence McGuire) Week 951, double a word or pair it with a homophone: Jerk jerk: Any dance created by Chris Brown. (Mike Gips) Role roll: Casting couch audition. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Claus clause: "If the party of the first part fails to check his list twice, all parties of the second part are to be considered 'nice' and entitled to presents." (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) Week 952, poems about people who died in 2011: "Death, be not proud," John Donne said, But today he might tell us instead: "Death, you're allowed Just this once to be proud, For Osama bin Laden is dead!" (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Week 955, pair a word with its anagram: Website eewbits: Icky stuff that pops up on your screen when you were searching for something else. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) Kilned Kindle: What you find at a book burning these days. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Week 958, wellerisms (wordplays featuring quotes): "It totally failed to deliver," the critic griped about the "Silence of the Lambs" remake. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) "Darling, I've removed my trousers," he whispered expansively. "And I, my bra," she cooed expertly. (Frank Osen) "Do not go forth and multiply," said the pastor, preparing his flock for the end of times. (Chris Doyle) "He makes no bones about it," she explained as she returned the negligee to the store. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Week 959, move a TV show to another channel: "Finding Bigfoot" moves to TruTV, is renamed "Not Finding Bigfoot." (Dixon Wragg) Week 963, "before and after" names: John Milton Bradley: Pair o' dice tossed. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) Marion Barry Goldwater: "Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. But I know a few others .?.?." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Week 965, "breed" two horse names from a list: Verne + I'll Have Another = Mini the Moocher (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) A Boy Named Em + Souper Speedy = Step on LaGasse (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.) Week 967, "before and after" phrases: Fiscal Cliff Notes: In a nutshell, it'll cost you. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Week 970, finish a couplet: When you are old and grey and full of sleep (W.B. Yeats) / I know a nursing home that's really cheap. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) The moving finger writes, and having writ (Omar Khayyam/Edward Fitzgerald)/ Moves on, despite the disbelief of Mitt. (Robert Schechter) Let me not to the marriage of true minds (William Shakespeare)/ Admit impediments .?.?. whoa, they're both guys? (Rick Santorum) (Steve Honley, Washington) Week 971, two-in-one books: "Scoop" by Evelyn Waugh with "Go, Dog, Go" by P.D. Eastman. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) "Fifty Shades of Grey" and "The Color of Money" (Vera Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va., a First Offender) Week 976, combine the beginning and end of two words in that week's Invitational: Bobblehead + Politburo: Bobbleburo, a cabinet of yes-men. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Birthward: In the past. And Deadward: In the future. (Tom Witte) Week 977, run a phrase through Google translator and back to English: Original: Be all that you can be. Via English-Tamil-Swahili-English-Kannada-Chinese and back]: You can not. (Kevin Dopart) Week 979, how to tick people off: Guess people's weight as they get on the elevator, and then press the corresponding floor button for each number. (Kevin Dopart) Week 981, test questions for job applicants: Q: How many years have you been a horse trainer? A: [Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.] (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Week 982, song parodies including one line from the original: To "I Enjoy Being a Girl," as sung by Paula Broadwell (start YouTube clip at 0:40): When I wear a frock that's sleeveless, And my arm muscles I unfurl, It's not so that I'll achieve less; I enjoy being a girl. My project entails the Army, And a general whose toes I'll curl, And I don't think it one bit smarmy To employ being a girl. Who cares that we're both already wedded? I flash him a coy and smoldering glance, And soon I'm successfully embedded, 'Cause the general can't keep his privates in his pants! And should some conniving female Try to pilfer my purloined he, I'll send her some threatening e-mail. What's the diff? It's not as if she'll sic the feds on me! (Nan Reiner) If I had a Hummer, I'd drive it in the morning. We'd guzzle up the gallons wherever we'd go. It's the symbol of power, it's the symbol of money, too. And it's all about intimidating drivers All – over this land. (John Shea, Philadelphia) Week 983, limericks featuring words beginning with E: Some people drink to Queen Bess, Some, to the beast of Loch Ness. Some drink to wealth Or perpetual health, While others just drink to excess. (Mae Scanlan) Will and Kate are expecting an heir, So they're now in the media's glare. Imagine their fate Should Kate replicate And produce both an heir and a spare! (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) Week 986: homophone humor: Bill O'Reilly's rants carry such a foul odor that guests call his show "The Nose-Pin Zone." (Chris Doyle) "Mr. Nguyen, your soup line is so long and I'm in a hurry — can you make an exception for me?" "Sorry, lady, you get the same pho queue as everyone else." (Mark Richardson, Washington) Week 987, bank heads: Post's headline: Frederick man's body found in a trunk. Fake bank hed: National Zoo elephant's respiratory problem solved (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) Headline: Va. party chair looking ahead to 2013; bank: Hopes Clint will be available for chat at GOP conference (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Week 989, a person with multiple professions: Motocross racer/basement repair specialist/astrophysicist: That new job is going to be wheelie sump'n spatial. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) Week 993, Epic Rap Battles: Moby Dick: I wanted only peaceful seas where I could freely swim But then you tried to kill me so I chomped your lower limb And now you rant and rave and cry for vengeance just as though It wasn't you who started it? Now who's the real [moby], bro? Captain Ahab: Oh Moby, you're a big fat fish with blubber for a brain, But you're correct my hate for you has driven me insane, And though my monomania is nothing I had planned on, I'll hunt you down as long as I have one leg left to stand on. (Robert Schechter) Week 996, combine two magazines: The Economist + Automobile: "Our Annual Camry Issue!" (Robert Ballard) And Last, from Week 967: Washington Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: A condition that afflicts untold thousands whose surefire Style Invitational entries were not published. Currently there is no treatment, but wine may help a little. (John Shea) And Really Last, from Week 970: Breathes there the man with soul so dead, who never to himself hath said, (Sir Walter Scott)/ "I'd all my couth and scruples shed to win a Lincoln bobble-head." (Nan Reiner) Next week's results: Four Digits, Seven Letters, or Witsunday. ====================================================================== WEEK 1004, published January 6, 2013 The Style Invitational Week 1004: Dead Letters By Pat Myers, The cork let's pop, the wine decant For the father of the cochlear implant. Glasses raised, let's give a cheer To William House, we say, "Hear! Hear!" In the wake of the days of revelry as we finally kicked 2012 goodbye, we pause a moment — as we've done for the past nine years — to remember those whose lives were lost, and then of course get busy writing irreverent little verses about them. This week: Write a humorous poem about someone who died in 2012, as in the example above by Washington Post Senior Silly Tweeter Gene Weingarten. It doesn't have to rhyme, but in the Empress's experience, rhyming verses tend to be funnier. (They also tend to scan a bit better than the second line of the above.) Short verses are more likely to make the print paper, but the best longer poems (including song parodies) will be published in the online Invite. You can find various lists of "notable deaths of 2012," etc., online. Compared with some of our other contests, our obit-poem challenge does call for a certain restraint in content and tone: Unless you're talking about an Osama-level evildoer, don't give three cheers that the person has met his demise, or predict that his soul is heading netherward. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a toilet-shaped ceramic coffee cup that, set out on your breakfast table, could help you in your resolution not to overeat. Donated by Andrea Kelly. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 15; results published Feb. 3 (online Jan. 31). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1004" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Chris Doyle; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 1000, in which we celebrated that milestone with our most renowned contest: to create a new term, or neologism, by changing an existing word by adding a letter, subtracting a letter, substituting a letter, or transposing two letters: And this time the original word (not necessarily the resulting word) needed to start with a letter between T and Z. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: Trendinitis: Inflammation of the hip. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 2Winner of the book "Stuck Up!: 100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn't Be": Milderness: The suburbs. (Tom Witte, the Milderness of Montgomery Village, Md.) 3 Nuderwhelm: To disappoint your date when your clothes come off. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) 4 Vuvuzeal: The uncontrollable desire to be annoying to others at a sporting event. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Witless tampering: honorable mentions Whatnever: What your teenagers really mean when they say "whatever." (Jeff Loren, Manassas, Va.) Underlingo: Employees' coded expressions to dis the boss. (John Shea, Philadelphia) Mombie: A new mother on three hours' sleep. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; David Cooper Moore, Philadelphia, a First Offender) Umbilicall: A daily phone conversation with mom. (Bird Waring) Whorton: The oldest professional school. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) Twilet paper: Any book by Stephenie Meyer. (Mark Raffman) Straining wheels: A stationary bicycle. (Roger Hammons, Ashburn, Va.) Will-o'-the-Wasp: Manifest Destiny. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Thummyache: A symptom of overtexting. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Threaty: A peace offer you can't refuse. (Jeff Contompasis) Tomcant: A neutered kitty. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Dadpole: A frog. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Nyeti: The Abominable No-Man. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Panderlust: A craving that tends to come over politicians as they set out on the campaign trail. (Tom Witte) Text Offensive: ANYTHING IN ALL CAPS. (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) Ufoology: The study of alien abductions. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Uggliness: What ensues when a parent totally ruins her daughter's life by refusing to buy her one teeny tiny pair of $200 boots. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Tiffanny: Derriere jewelry: High end for the low end. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Top Gut: New Jerseyites' nickname for their governor. (Mark Raffman) ZZZ Top: Any played-out '70s band. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Yall-Mart: One-stop shopping for grits, guns and Bibles. (Greg Arnold, Herndon, Va.) Zitgeist: Teen spirit. (Tom Witte) Theesome: Amish kinkiness. (David Genser; Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) REMptation: What you're led into during a boring sermon. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington, Va.) Udopia: Washington state, man. (Ned Bent, Erie, Pa.) Ultraviolent light: A sunny morning in the dorm after the midnight kegger. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Televasion: A political news conference. (Melissa Balmain) TerpsicKorean: Yo! Gangnam Style! (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Texedo: String tie and tails. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Tiramiso: A not-so-popular dessert made with ladyfingers, espresso and soy goo. (Barbara Turner) Beltschmerz: Sadness as you look down at your spreading midsection. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Waffel: I think it's spelled that way. Or maybe it's .?.?. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Sorrywart: Someone who constantly feels bound to apologize. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Vergin': Still pure, but only just. (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario) Waterbard: To read someone Hallmark Mother's Day cards for 20 minutes straight. (Mike Gips) Xanadud: The Haitian timeshare that looked so gorgeous in the catalogue. (Mike Gips) User-fiendly: Made by Microsoft. (Jeff Contompasis) Vegilante: A PETA activist. (Dudley Thompson) Wealtherproofing: The tax shelters that the 1 percent are frantically applying to their portfolios before year's end. (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) Wussail: Non-alcoholic eggnog. (Brendan Beary; Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Veinglory: Wearing a micro-mini after varicose surgery. (George Smith, Frederick, Md.) Ivanilla: A White Russian. (Jeff Loren) Uterust: Menopause. (Larry Gray) Vagilante: A politician who wants to restrict women's health choices. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Festicle: A Christmas tree ball. (Dudley Thompson) Wanker engine: It has only one moving part. (Harold Mantle) Washington Rationals: The least influential Senate caucus. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Bumpteen: The training-bra demographic. (Edmund Conti) Welt dream: A masochist's flight of fancy. (Barrie Collins) Whizardry: Good aim. (Beverley Sharp) Wankie-talkie: Phone sex. (Brendan Beary) Dorkmanship: What it takes to get ink in this contest. (Tom Witte) Youngk: To aggravatingly add more unneeded letters to a really simple name. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) Emptress: A shameless woman who lures people into doing her bidding, then rejects them. (Dudley Thompson; Lois Douthitt) Next week's results: Make Us ROFL, or Compact Hars ====================================================================== WEEK 1005, published January 13, 2013 The Style Invitational Week 1005: Send us the bill By Pat Myers, Thursday, January 10, 2:10 PM The Heck-Custer Act to Promote Less Vulgar Putdowns. The Kildee-Barr Resolution to commemorate the precociousness of Davy Crockett. The Salmon-Meadows Act to promote alternative fish farming. Like many Washington area residents, the Empress takes a great interest in the outcomes of congressional races every two years. And like more and more Americans these days, she tends to hope for an infusion of fresh blood in the House and Senate. But more than most Americans, she hopes foremost that the new members have names that can be combined into something sounding like a phrase or even a sentence. Yes, it's time to welcome the freshmen of the 113th Congress with our biennial joint-legislation contest: Name a piece of legislation "cosponsored" by two or more of the 98 new House and Senate members, as in the examples above; the names include House members who moved to the Senate. (We didn't want to wait around for the two current vacancies to be filled.) The new members: Baldwin; Barr; Beatty; Bentivolio; Bera; Bridenstine; Brooks; Brownley; Bustos; Cardenas; Cartwright; Castro; Collins; Collins; Cook; Cotton; Cramer; Cruz; Daines; Davis; Delaney; DelBene; DeSantis; Donnelly; Duckworth; Enyart; Esty; Fischer; Flake; Foster; Frankel; Gabbard; Gallego; Garcia; Grayson; Grisham; Heck; Heinrich; Heitkamp; Hirono; Holding; Horsford; Hudson; Huffman; Jeffries; Joyce; Kaine; Kennedy; Kildee; Kilmer; King; Kirkpatrick; Kuster; LaMalfa; Lowenthal; Maffei; Maloney; Massie; McLeod; Meadows; Meng; Messer; Mullin; Murphy; Murphy; Nolan; O'Rourke; Payne; Perry; Peters; Pittenger; Pocan; Radel; Rice; Rothfus; Ruiz; Salmon; Schatz; Schneider; Scott; Shea-Porter; Sinema; Stewart; Stockman; Swalwell; Takano; Titus; Valadao; Vargas; Veasey; Vela; Wagner; Walorski; Warren; Weber; Wenstrup; Williams; Yoho Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the small metal sign pictured on this page; it hung on the Empress's front door last weekend when she took a turn hosting the Losers' Post-Holiday Party, a potluck and song parody fest that drew some 65 Losers, their handlers and the Merely Curious. Donated by Nan Reiner. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 22; results published Feb. 10 (online Feb. 7). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1005" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Jeff Contompasis; the alternative headline for the "next week" line is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 1001, in which we asked for original acronyms and other abbreviations, a la our own Bob Staake's PIMPL (peeing in my pants laughing): The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: BHH: Bless his heart. The Southern way to finish a nasty comment. "Billy is such a pathetic SOB, BHH." (Dayna Fellows, Bethesda, Md.) 2. Winner of the "vampire butterfly" bubble wand and nose-shaped pencil sharpener: FLASC: Fake-laughing at stupid comment. "Everyone was doing major FLASC on the boss at the staff meeting today." (Arden Levine, New York) 3. CYANATA: Cover your behind, never admit to anything. "Time to go on 'Meet the Press.' CYANATA." (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) 4. WSEAD: Worst sex ever, almost done. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) CUS: Came up short — honorable mentions NOe: No biggie. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) CURAP: Completely unnecessary rules and procedures. "I have to submit my tweets in triplicate? Talk about a bunch of CURAP." (Skip Livingston, Hopewell, N.J.) BOFFDA: Been online for four days already. "The giggling-otter meme? Eh. BOFFDA." (Doug Frank) CTRL: Can't text — 'rents looking. (Cathy Lamaze, North Potomac, Md.) DITCH: Drove into truck — call for help. "b home soon, on bway. uh oh DITCH." (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) DODO: Department of Defense official. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) LAPTOY: Looking at porn, thinking of you. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) FOG: Old guy. "Arggh, a FOG's slowing traffic in the left lane." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) LALOF: Living a life of fiction. "He thinks he's gonna score with HER? He is so LALOF." (Dale Hample, Silver Spring, Md.) STFU: Sincere thanks for understanding. Use this to express appreciation for someone's comment, and be sure to say "you're welcome" when someone sends it to you. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) TABWAT: Taking a bath with a toaster. "Saying that to my wife would be utter TABWAT." (Dale Hample) UPCHUCK: Ugh, parents coupling — hear unrestrained carnal knowledge. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) NERP: Not even remotely possible. (Skip Livingston) OMPED: Oh my possibly existing deity! (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.) RACK: Relevant as a couple of Kardashians. "Jesse James's opinion on gun control is RACK." (Andy Promisel, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) IGNORE: In great need of rapid examination. Use to mark urgent communications. (Roger Hammons, Ashburn, Va.) SNOR: Something no one reads. "Facebook privacy settings? SNOR." (Kevin Dopart) MEATLOAF: Moth-eaten aardvark tasting like old ankle fat. "So what's for lunch in the cafeteria today?" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) MHIFOE: My hovercraft is full of eels. (John Shea, Philadelphia) DOH: Disastrous one-time hookup. "She was fun last weekend — headed for the doctor now. DOH." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) JIHAD: I hate jokes about dyslexia. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) NYRAB: New Year's resolution already broken. "Sneaked out for a quick puff. NYRAB." (Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv) MABU: Missing as Britney's underwear. "Where were you last night? MABU again!" (Bill Smith, Reston, Va.) MAYAN: Much apocalyptic yammering about nothing. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) PEWEE: Perfect in every way except endowment. (Tom Witte) WABOB: What a bunch of bull. "Put guns in schools? WABOB." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) WAUGAS: Who among us gives a [something]? (Cathy Lamaze) WWIF: Wait while I flush. "I'll upload the pic I just took — WWIF." (Kevin Dopart) PICBIRD: Pretending I care but I really don't. "Sry yr parents r getting divorced. #PICBIRD." (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md., a First Offender) TTTTTTTTTT: Thumbs too tired to text today. Try texting tomorrow. Till then, ta ta. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Acronyms to supplement LOL: GUMBE: Giggled until my bladder emptied. (Mark Holland, Danville, Va.) LOLIGAG: Laughing out loud in giant animated giggles. (Robert Schechter) SMOOON: Spewing milk out of one nostril. (Chris Doyle) Anti-LOLs: LAYNWY: Laughing at you, not with you. (Robert Schechter) OSCC: Only sound: crickets chirping. "Yuk yuk. Hilarious. OSCC." (Michael Reinemer, Annandale, Va.) FEFSI: Funny enough for the Style Invitational. (Robert Schechter) Next week's results: Wring Out the OED, or Oxforgeries ====================================================================== WEEK 1006, published January 20, 2013 The Style Invitational Week 1006 It's…it's By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, January 17, 12:48 PM The Flush: Putting the seat back down across the nation! IroningMan: When he's steamed up, he lays waste to those diabolical wrinkles under the shirt sleeves! As noted in a recent NPR story, Pixar artist Everett Downing resolved last year to create a new superhero every day. He's giving himself a few more months to reach his goal of 365, but he's already come up with more than 300 on his blog 365 Supers, including Jack B. Nimble, the married duo of Ball and Chain, and Emoticon, "a man more villain than superhero who leaves a trail of destruction and a winking smiley face." Let's do our own. This week: Create a new superhero (or duo) and describe the superpower, or not-very-super-power. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an action figure called Tiny Kung Fu Master: "Clap your hands and watch him fight!" while the strains of "Kung Fu Fighting" emanate from said master. The Empress has had this lying around for at least three years, so you might not get many "kicks of doom." Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 28; results published Feb. 17 (online Feb. 14). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1006" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte, as is the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 1002, in which we asked you to supply totally bogus definitions to a series of obscure words found in the Oxford English Dictionary (without telling you the real ones): The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Hinderyeap: To pinch a friend in the rear to keep him from saying something stupid: "Hey, Mrs. Smith, when are you due? I didn't even know you were– yeap!" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) [Real definition: an adjective meaning cunning or deceitful] 2. Winner of the gag-gift "Potenz Pillen": Housty: The smell of someone who doesn't get out much. "He spent so much time working on Invite entries that he developed a housty odor." (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) [n., a sore throat] 3. INTI: Texting retort to "run that errand yourself" — I'm Not the Intern. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) [n., a former Peruvian unit of currency] 4. Hispidulous: Tending to spew saliva on others when speaking. "The hispidulous preacher's congregation got used to being rebaptized every Sunday." (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) [adj., slightly bristly] VetOED: honorable mentions Higgle: The disconcerting motion of man-boobs. "Only the Secret Service knew that Bill Clinton jogged with a sports bra for higgle control." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) [n., the adjusting of prices so that demand equals supply] Himple, n.: The pathetic result when a boy desperately uses a smear of Mom's makeup before a date. (Tim Beach, Edgewater, Md. a First Offender) [v., to limp or hobble] Himple, v.: To masculinize a product in an effort to attract male consumers. "Men wouldn't touch these appletinis until we himpled them into 'snot-shots.'" (Frank Osen) Himple, adj.: Possessing a type of stupidity associated with the Y-chromosome. "I knew he was himple when he didn't know the difference between the stove and the oven." (Dixon Wragg) Hinderyeap: Hair on the buttocks. "He's got so much hinderyeap he had to let out his pants." (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Hornito: A leg-friendly Chihuahua. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) [n., a low mound of volcanic origin] Hirrie-harrie: Ritual suicide after failing to get sorted into Gryffindor. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.)["an utterance expressive of rapid and tumultuous movement"] Huff-duff: What the Three Little Pigs told the Big Bad Wolf to blow it out of. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) [n., a device for determining the direction of radio signals] Humdudgeon: A fit of pique that you control by making a low, continuous growl. (Roy Ashley, Washington) [n., an imaginary illness] Idiopt, n.: In a multiple-choice question, an answer that is obviously wrong and included for laughs. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville, Md.) [n., a colorblind person] Idiopt, v.: To knowingly make a stupid choice: "I guarantee Ben will idiopt to hit on the bouncer's girlfriend." (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Idiopt, v.: To sign up for "special marketing offers from our partners." (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.; Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Ikat: Siri prototype that would not interact with the user, required attention at strange hours, and would not accept the battery charger that worked fine yesterday. (Dave Hanlon, Woodbridge, Va.; Bill Smith, Reston, Va.) [n., an Asian fabric decoration technique] Inti: Showing opposition to the in-group by its own members. The Democrats are anti-Boehner; the tea party is inti-Boehner. (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.) Jargogle, n.: The sticky mess on the rim of the jelly or ketchup container. (Ron Gove, Leesburg, Va., a First Offender) [v., to confuse, jumble] Jaunder: To accidentally wash your brand-new neon yellow T- shirt with your whites. (Ken Noffke, Stephens City, Va., a First Offender) [n., idle talk] Jeofail: To phrase your answer in the form of an answer. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) [n., a mistake in a legal proceeding] Jerkinet: The comment section of a newspaper's Web site. "Stick to the article and skip the nutcase commentary on the jerkinet." (Michael Reinemer, Annandale, Va.) [n., a jacket worn by lower-class women] Jerkinet: A chocolate-covered bit of dried meat, a new snack they're serving at tough-guy movies. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Jerque: Someone who can speak more languages than you. (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia)[v., to examine or search a cargo ship's papers] Jobble: A cushy position that a college concocts so it can pay a stipend to a prize athlete. "They gave Moose the jobble of controlling the thermostat for the showers." (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) [n., a small quantity or load of hay, straw, etc.] Jobble: A small fluctuation in the unemployment rate. "In the run-up to the election, the media obsessed over every jobble." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Karzy: Willing to travel to Afghanistan as a tourist. (Mike Gips)[n., slang for toilet] Keek: French unit for percentage of alcohol. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) [v., to sneak a peep] Kerygma: Undescribable blandness: "Al Gore just exudes kerygma." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) [the essence of Christian preaching] Kreep: in the Klan hierarchy, the rank just below Kleagle and above Kretin. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) Kurvey: To take a woman's precise measurements. "The lucky fellow worked as a kurveyor for the Miss America pageant." (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Next week's results: Just Do It, or Pitch Switch ====================================================================== WEEK 1007, published January 27, 2013 The Style Invitational Week 1007: We give you the crossword, you give us the clues By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, January 24, 2:41 PM Once again, it's our backward-crossword challenge: We give you the filled-in grid to an actual puzzle — this one, by Bob Klahn of the CrosSynergy syndicate, ran Aug. 12 on washingtonpost.com — and you come up with creative, funny clues for the words and multi-word terms in the grid. Yes, we noticed that there aren't any numbers in the grid — that's because you don't need them, silly; just list each word along with your clue for it. The clues should be brief, but they need not be as short as for a real crossword. (By the way, this is an American crossword, not a British-style one in which the clue contains an anagram of the desired word.) Our usual limit of 25 entries per person remains in effect. See bit.ly/xwordclues1007 for a list of Bob's original clues. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a small jar — brought back from Istanbul by Loser Mike Gips — labeled "Aprodisaique for Man and Women" and adorned with a silhouette of a very small male person with an enormous — well, something that doesn't need any aprodisaique. (If you are under 18 or have actual taste, I'll send you another prize instead.) Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 4; results published Feb. 24 (online Feb. 21). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1007" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Jonathan Hardis; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Brad Alexander. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 1003, in which we asked you to take a well-known ad slogan and repurpose it for another company or organization. Some funny ideas were sent by practically everyone: "What's in your wallet?" for Trojan condoms and for the IRS; "the quicker picker-upper" for Red Bull, for Match.com and for Viagra (also for Viagra: "You can do it. We can help" and "We bring good things to life"); "the antidote for civilization" for the NRA; "Snap! Crackle! Pop!" for the American Chiropractic Association; "Home of the Whopper" for the U.S. Capitol and for Fox News; "When you care enough to send the very best" for Navy SEAL Team 6; "Think outside the bun" and "Don't leave home without it" for Hanes underwear; and, of course, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste" for the Style Invitational. So many First Offenders this week we'll just mark them with asterisks. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Find Your Own Road (Saab) for the D.C. snow removal office. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 2. Winner of the raving self-published book: It Keeps Going and Going and Going (Energizer batteries) for Viper Car Alarms (Neal Starkman, Seattle) 3. If Only Everything in Life Were as Reliable as a Volkswagen (VW) for Viagra (Dana Austin, Falls Church, Va.) 4. Blow Your Own Bubble (Bubble Yum) for Fannie Mae (Steve Heyman, Chicago*) The other wit meat: honorable mentions When It Absolutely, Positively Has to Be There Overnight (Federal Express) for Santa's Workshop (Cheryl Davis, Arlington, Va.) Take Aim Against Cavities (Aim toothpaste) for the TSA (Brendan Beary) Cover the Earth (Sherwin-Williams) for BP (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) Sooner or Later, You'll Own Generals (General Tire) for Lockheed Martin (Dion Black, Washington; Joe Godles, Bethesda, Md.) Born 1820, Still Going Strong (Johnnie Walker) for Hugh Hefner (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) We Never Forget Who We're Working For (Lockheed Martin) for Grammarly proofreading software (Russell Beland, Fairfax) Think Outside the Box (Apple) for Maryland Cremation Services (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.; Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) Little Place, Big Taste (Checkers restaurants) for La Leche League (Roger Hammons, Ashburn, Va.) That Frosty Mug Sensation (A&W root beer) for K2 Skis (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Fair and Balanced (Fox News) for the Swedish gymnastics team (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Because That's the Kind of Mom You Are (Rice Krispies) for Boone's Farm (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Like a Rock (Chevy trucks) for Bisquick (Ed Rader, Alexandria, Va.*) Have It Your Way (Burger King) for the National Association of Certified Professional Midwives (Susan Vavrick, Springfield, Va.) Go to Work on an Egg (British Egg Marketing Board) for Viagra (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Handbuilt by Robots (Fiat) for the Romney campaign (Steve Heyman) Curiously Strong (Altoids) for Lance Armstrong (Jeff Contompasis) Don't Get Mad. Get Glad (Glad trash bags) for Zoloft (Daniel Bender, Bethesda, Md.*; Trent Galbraith, Enfield, Nova Scotia*) Behold the Power of Cheese (American Dairy Association) for Nikon (Daniel Bender) Think Small (VW Beetle) for the Texas Office of the Governor (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The Joy of COLA (Pepsi) for the Social Security Administration (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.; Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Get a Piece of the Rock (Prudential) for Costa Cruises (Dudley Thompson) What's the Worst That Can Happen? (Dr Pepper) for Microsoft (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) Engineered to Move the Human Spirit (Mercedes-Benz) for the Spanish Inquisition (Julius Sanks, Ashburn, Va.) Help, I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up (LifeCall) for the U.S. Congress (Linda Nemo, Germantown, Md.*) I'd Walk a Mile for a Camel (Camel cigarettes) and We Do Chicken Right (KFC) for the Zoophile Interest Group (Neal Starkman; Dion Black) Raise Your Hand if You're Sure (Sure antiperspirant) for the National Socialist German Workers' Party (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Waste (United Negro College Fund) for the Harvard Brain Tissue Resource Center (Christina Courtney, Gettysburg, Pa.) Play. Laugh. Grow. (Fisher Price) for Viagra (Harry Gross, Centreville, Va.*; David Messing, Washington*) Go. There's Nothing Stopping You (AirTran) for Depends (Mary Binseel, Clarksville, Md.*) .?.?. And You're Done (Amazon. com) for National Funeral Directors (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge; David Kleinbard; Kevin Dopart) Still running — deadline Monday night — is our contest to come up with a funny superhero. See bit.ly/invite1006. Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, in which the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. Next week's results: Dead Letters, or Finishing Touchés ====================================================================== NO WEEK NUMBER; published February 3, 2013 Style Invitational: As we primp for our 20th anniversary, we bring out the dead (poems) By Pat Myers , Published: January 31, 2013 There's no new contest this week, because four weeks from now — on March 3 (Feb. 28 online), when the results would have run — the Empress will devote this entire space (and more!) to a celebration of the Style Invitational's 20th anniversary. We'll look back at the Invite's greatest hits, especially from the past 10 years: the best of the song parodies, neologisms, horse names, limericks, "joint legislation," cartoon captions and dozens of other classic contests. We'll also tell you about the Losers, the unlikely community of contestants that's been active since Year 1 with a calendar of social events, a vigorous competition for most ink, a set of meticulous online standings, and a Facebook page that numbers almost 500 members. And there just might be a few peeps from the Czar, the E's predecessor and the originator of this contest, whom she mercifully sent into retirement nine years ago.(Note to readers of the print edition: The Web address given on this week's Sunday Style page to The Style Conversation, my weekly online column about the new contest and results, doesn't work this week, while the page is undergoing some improvements. (It goes to last week's column instead.) Instead, access it here . *Report from Week 1004, our annual contest for poems about those who died in the previous year: Frequently noted was that Dave Brubeck is taking five and much longer; that Sherman Hemsley moved on up; that Robin Gibb's no longer stayin' alive; that Vidal Sassoon and Phyllis Diller were hair today, gone tomorrow; and that go-go pioneer Chuck Brown was, of course, gone-gone. In a rare but not unprecedented move, we present two Inkin' Memorials today; the second one, a song parody, appears only online so we could include a link to a YouTube clip of the 85-year-old original song. *The winners of the Inkin' Memorials* *Ferdinand A. Porsche (1935-2012), designer of the Porsche 911* When Porsche first designed his car, he cleverly employed The insights he had garnered from the works of Sigmund Freud. A car, as Porsche understood, was outwardly metallic, But in the heart of man it was organic flesh, and phallic. And so he built it long and strong, he built it fast and loud, To make the rich unmanly man feel powerfully endowed. Though Freud had said that now and then cigars are just cigars, Ferdinand, the businessman, knew cars are not just cars. /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) / *Jean Harris, convicted of the murder of Scarsdale Diet doctor Herman Tarnower * /(To "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" )/ Fish gotta sink, birds gotta fall; You gotta love me or no one at all. Can't help pluggin' that man of mine. Life is a banquet; that's what they say. How could you take my sugar away? Can't help pluggin' that man of mine. Hungry, weak, and sad Makes a girl go mad. Haven't had one taste! But you've been free "" to cheat on me. Herman, you might have avoided my barbs If you had just let me snack on some carbs. Can't help pluggin' that man of mine. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) / 2. /Winner of the toilet-shaped coffee cup :/ Edward Archbold, who died after winning a roach-eating contest *Hey, the next time that someone approaches With a contest to eat the most roaches, Though the prize may be nice, I suggest you think twice, 'Cause it might be your big /buenas noches. / /(Nan Reiner)/ 3. A eulogy for Sally Ride is not off-base; I wouldn't halt one, though perhaps I'd pause it To ponder how she managed a career in space Yet all the while remaining in a closet. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ 4. Thomas Kinkade *Go very gentle into that good night With houses quaint where Pollyanna lived. "Rage? Nah," said the Painter of the Light. /(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)/ *Digging deeper: honorable mentions* *Marvin Miller, head of the Major League Baseball Players Union* When crafty Marvin Miller led the MLBPA, 'Twas then that players' salaries went rocketing away. He made some people very rich, but there's one problem: That's The reason that it costs a hundred bucks to see the Nats. /(Nan Reiner)/ *Earl Scruggs* saunters up to the Heavenly Gate. There's a banjo audition. How easy is that? Saint Peter's on harp and his playing sounds great, But an angel joins in on guitar — and he's Flatt. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ *Murray Lender, of the People Chosen, Made a fortune large in bagels frozen. We'll always miss him dearly, even though he Made us like his product: round and doughy. /(Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.)/ *Donna Summer and Robin Gibb* People stuck in the '70s fervently shouted, "By music we won't be misled!" But two passings have shown what the sane never doubted: That disco is certainly dead. /(Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.)/ *Joe Paterno, once revered, Whose earthly days are through, Will sadly be remembered most For what he /didn't /do. /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ *Jack Klugman* For years you entertained us by annoying Felix Unger; But all things pass (and you, alas, weren't getting any younger). With neatnik versus total slob, will either one convert? I guess you get the last laugh, 'cause you're both immersed in dirt. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ *Letitia Baldrige, etiquette expert and Jacqueline Kennedy's chief of staff* /(To "Camelot" )/ It's true! It's true! The transcripts make it clear: Civility's gone AWOL this year. The House and Senate almost come to blows now; Repubs and Dems don't ever vote as one; We're sad to say that that's the way it goes now In Washington. The politicians say just what they think now; They're slandering their colleagues just for fun; But frankly, we get dizzy from the stink now In Washington. Washington! Washington! I know it sounds a bit absurd, But in Washington, "etiquette" is now a dirty word. To tell the prez "You lie!" is off the "rude" charts, "Go (blank) yourself" are words that tend to stun; Ms. Baldrige, please come back -- It seems we've lost the knack Of treating people civilly right here in Washington. /(Beverley Sharp)/ *Ray Bradbury* Ray's friends flew like madmen the length of the drive And arrived at the funeral parlor at 5. "Alas," said the owner, "it's over and done: I did the cremation at 4:51." /(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)/ I heard you at the Fillmore, heard you at Winterland, I heard you with Bob Dylan, I heard you with the Band, You took a load off Annie, you took a load for free. Financially, O Levon Helm, you took a load off me. /(Nancy Lasner, Washington, a First Offender)/ *Antisa Khvichava* She claimed to be one hundred thirty-two (It's hard to tell if that was really true), But thanks to luck, good health and proper genes, She'd pass for someone in her hundred-teens! /(Brendan Beary) / *Helen Gurley Brown* To her magazine readers she wanted to show That it's fun and fulfilling to act like a ho. / (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *Arlen Specter *Now that really he's a specter, No one chivvies, snipes or chides That former GOP defector Arlen's once again switched sides. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ *Don Cornelius *He introduced soul music to the nation, But now, alas, Don's soul train's left the station. /(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)/ Said Jean Harris, "This new Scarsdale Diet Is amazing! You really must try it! With just four rapid rounds I shed 200 pounds! (Now I just hope the jury will buy it.")/(Christopher Lamora) / *Robert B. Sherman, Disney songwriter* Earthworms over earworms crawl, Since it's a pall world after all. /(Kevin Dopart)/ *John Demjanjuk, Nazi guard Living in our own backyard, Was innocent, he often said, But all his witnesses are dead. /(Robert Schechter) / *Mike Wallace* He runs up to the Pearly Gates, A microphone in hand. He shoves it in Saint Peter's face While shouting, "I demand An answer to my question, Saint! Is Jesus on the take? Did Moses rob the Israelites? Was Solomon a fake?" Peter cries, "Get out of here! I won't take this abuse!" But Wallace barges past the gates, And then all hell breaks loose. /(Robert Schechter)/ *Lady Sybil of "Downton Abbey"* Downtony-Powntony Lady S. Branson Expired in childbirth on Brit TV screens. She's not the only one; Characteristically Contracts expire, thus Gory death scenes. /(First Offender Chris Hansen, London, who saw this before Americans did and delivered a spoiler unto the Empress)/ Higgledy-piggledy *Carmen Basilio,* Champion boxer whom Death has outfoxed. Lightweight pneumonia bugs Unpugilistically Knocked him right out. Now this Boxer's been boxed. /(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)/ *Alex Karras* Every gig he tried, he was a keeper; Surely he could tackle Mr. Reaper. If you think so, you are sadly wrong-o; God sent one last Candygram for Mongo. /(Nan Reiner)/ *Mickey Mouse Club's Don Grady and Ginny Tyler* Meeska, Mooska, Mouseketeer! Don and Ginny disappear. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *Newsweek* was a magazine. It comes in print no more. I fear that too soon, "get some ink" Will be a metaphor. /(Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.)/ *NFL linebacker Junior Seau* In professional football, our top-rated sport, Former players lead lives that are painful and short. So it's not that surprising when one of them dies From repeated concussions that speed his demise. Let us pray for a change in this dangerous game So I never again pen a couplet this lame: "Into linemen and running backs Junior would plow, Making skull-crunching hits, and he'd never Seau." /(Chris Doyle) / *Sylvia Kristel, star of the softcore "Emmanuelle" films* *I. You never held back, you gave it your all, And you added new meaning to the words "Kristel ball." /(Phil Battey, Alexandria)/ I saw "Emmanuelle" when just a teen And wondered: All my life where had you been? The title song was one that kept me humming While visions of Ms. Kristel kept me, uh, very happy./(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) / *Elliott Carter,* past his hundredth year, liked to compose IT Pieces where DOES two different N'T groups Played different WORK movements At different IN speeds POETRY At the same THAT time That WELL overlapped EITHER. . . /(David Williams, Dunbar, W.Va., a First Offender) / *Art Modell, owner of the Cleveland Browns (until he moved them in 1996)* On a winter midnight dreary, while snow blew in from Lake Erie, Art came up with a new theory he had failed to find before. "My team needs some warmer weather! Sever this cold Cleveland tether, Question 'where,' no longer 'whether': We are heading for the door!" Like a flame there came the answer, as he led them out the door: "We are going to Baltimore!" Frantic fans fumed, "This is treason! Keep them here for one more season!" But Art gave not cause nor reason, heading for that warmer shore. All the so-called football mavens dubbed Art's newly minted Ravens Flightless, fightless Cleveland cravens "" faded Browns, who could not score. Yet in the 2000 season, Art's team was the Super Corps! They were part of Baltimore. Now Art's taken one last flier, joining legends all admire, Halas, Rooney and the Squire "" men who made pro football soar. Though "the Move" is still debated, on Lake Erie's shores berated, In Charm City celebrated, there's one voice fans can't ignore. Loudly, proudly, hear the players voice their deep, unfeigned rapport: Quoth Art's Ravens "" "Baltimore!" (/Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) / *And dead last: The rejected obit poems of 2012* Dear Loser: For Style Invitational swag, Like the bobblehead Lincoln and Grossery Bag, You pored over dozens of newspaper obits For wry and hilarious no-one-would-know bits To put in an ink-worthy limerick or ode About people who've gone to their final abode. Your poems have been read by no other than me, And then tossed in the trash can. "" Yours truly, The E. /(Chris Doyle)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our backward-crossword contest. See bit.ly/invite1007. ====================================================================== WEEK 1008, published February 10, 2013 The Style Invitational Week 1008 Rejigger a movie title By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, February 7, 12:41 PM "You Are 54: Where Car?": A senior moment strikes in a parking garage. (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer; Brendan Beary) "The Brief Pelican": Impressed with the success of the Aflac Duck, the Hanes underwear company signs a new mascot. (Gene McMath) "What? Did Daddy Do You in the War?" A young girl learns of her father's overseas affair when a Korean woman comes looking for him. (Russell Beland) While starting to pore over the past 10 years of Style Invitationals — 515 contests — to select its Greatest Hits for our 20th-anniversary ickstravaganza on March 3, the Empress came upon this classic from Week 524, a contest we'd never repeated but clearly begs to be done again: Rearrange all the words in the title of a movie, and describe the resulting work, as in these winning entries from 2003. Even given the thousands of films to choose from, we're certain that many of you will send in the same reconfigured movie title, so it'll probably be the humor in the plot or description that earns it the ink. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a package of Butt/Face soap — with each side of the bar inscribed with "butt" or "face," not to mention coded in brown and white, so you'll know which side is for which cheek. Donated by the fastidious longtime Loser Phyllis Reinhard. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 18; results published March 10 (online March 7). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1008" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Christopher Lamora; the alternative title in the "Next week's results" line is by Brad Alexander. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 1005, our biennial contest in which we ask you to create "joint legislation" by combining the names of two or more (often many more) freshman members of Congress. To judge from the many thousands of entries sent in this year from almost 500 people (and by the Empress's count, 105 of them were entering the Invite for the first time), the 113th Congress should be a productive one; already, Rep. Peters (har har) has 247 pieces of legislation to his name (alas, most are unprintable). As usual, quite a few of the entries were cryptic, to say the least; the E figured out only from context, for example, that "Yoho-Vela-Williams" was meant to be read as "Jehovah's Witnesses." The winners below are much more valid. But if you're still stuck on any of them, look at this link to the same list but with translations. But do try to puzzle them out first; otherwise, you'll miss out on the extra gratification that comes from catching on after a few seconds of thought. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial The Heck-Pocan-Cook-Rice bill to eliminate the food stamp program. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) 2. Winner of the "Welcome to Loserville" sign: The Kildee-Warren-Yoho Act: Aims to end the fighting in another one of those countries you'd never heard of. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) 3. The Takano-Schatz bill to study why the Capitals seldom score. (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.) 4. The Warren-Kildee-Kennedy amendment to the Castro-Kildee-Kennedy Act, specifying that all conspiracy-theory research funded by the act include at least one really epic plot twist. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) Lower billing: honorable mentions (We have so many First Offenders this week that we put asterisks by their names rather than noting it each time.) Barr-Pocan-LaMalfa bill to limit how much gum-jabbing a dental hygienist may do during a routine cleaning. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) The Hirono-Schatz Act to subsidize gun silencers (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) The Collins-Collins Act to reduce legislative redundancy. Followed closely by the Murphy-Murphy Act to reduce legislative redundancy. (*Andrea Schmahl, Front Royal, Va.) The Cotton-Kennedy, Kennedy-Barr and Kennedy-Kaine acts to raise the BMI threshold for obesity. (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) The Barr-King-Cook bill to grant honorary U.S. citizenship to Gordon Ramsay. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) The Bustos-Titus-Heck resolution to investigate the safety of the athletic compression bra. (*Tom Buckley, Centreville, Va.) The Collins-Murphy-Collins-Murphy-Vargas Act to promote diversity in law firms (*Meagan Keefe, Fairfax Station, Va.) The Wagner-Bustos Act to provide training for exotic dancers. (Chris O'Carroll, Emporia, Kan.) The Donnelly-Veasey Act to establish limits on emigration. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) DeSantis-Enyart-Titus-Cotton educational memorandum about the dangers of yoga pants at the beach. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) The Barr-Bridenstine-Sinema Act to ban simulcasts of the Kim Kardashian wedding. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) The Salmon-Flake-Rice-Barr Act for research into snacks that are sure to encourage children to set aside their Milky Ways. (*J.P. Devine, Arlington; Kristine DeWitt, Westminster, Md.) Barr-Payne-Warren-Daines-Holding-Fischer-Cruz bill to prohibit the delivery of ransom to any Vikings who have captured a deep-sea trawler. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Brownley-King-Enyart Act: An act to regulate contamination from overflowing residential cesspools. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) The Kilmer-Meadows-Kildee-Brooks Act to establish specific targets for the effects of global warming (Arden Levine, New York) The Yoho-Sinema bill to promote aargh-rated films. (*Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) The Kirkpatrick-Stewart resolution to include the question "Who was the better captain?" as part of the 2020 Census. (*David Silversmith, Burke, Va.) The Horsford-Cartwright Act to discourage getting things out of order. (Dan Walker, Partlow, Va.; Larry Pryluck, Amissville, Va.; Mae Scanlan, Washington) The King-Takano-Cotton bill to keep visiting dignitaries from walking off with the White House linens. (Will Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio) The Kildee-Joyce Act offers federal protections for party poopers. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) The Horsford-Hudson Act to expel Manhattan prostitutes to New Jersey. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) The Weber-Scott-Salmon-Cook-King resolution to declare that dinner's about ready. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) The Kildee-Payne resolution to investigate liquor, pills and meaningless sex . (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) The Warren-Beatty Act: You probably think this law is about you, don't you? (Andrew Ballard, London; Kevin Dopart, Washington) The Barr-King-Peters resolution to call attention to disturbing new trends in ventriloquism. (*Jeff Shirley, Richmond) The Warren-Beatty-Sinema-Payne Lifetime Achievement Commemoration for "Ishtar." (Craig Dykstra; Mitch Bailin, Bethesda, Md.) The Bera-Grayson Act to support research into complexion disorders in the newborn. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) The Barr-Warren-Payne Act to establish a utopian society. (John Glenn) The Yoho-Scott-Schatz Oldest Profession Immunization Act: Requires pimps to ensure their "charges" have proper inoculations. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) The Bentivolio-Cartwright Act to "class up" the Ponderosa by giving the "Bonanza" cast artsy Shakespearean names — and they have to wear tights instead of chaps. (Mark Raffman) The Pocan-Scott Act to Promote Alternatives to Squeezing Charmin (Arden Levine) The Barr-Baldwin-King-Cruz Act to deter flirtatious behavior by skinhead street gangs. (Kevin Dopart) The Bustos-Scott-King Bill to add Coretta to the statue of Martin (Marleen May, Rockville, Md.) The Flake-Collins-Holding bill to treat people waiting to talk to Rush Limbaugh. (Ralph Nitkin, Rockville, Md.) The Takano-Peters-Schatz Resolution urging members of Congress not to take up the kind of photography that Tony Weiner did. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) And Last: The Davis-Titus-Heck resolution condemning one Loser's gift-buying practices. (Dave Zarrow's wife, Reston, Va.) Next week's results: It's a ... a ..., or Fill It Up With Super ====================================================================== WEEK 1009, published February 17, 2013 The Style Invitational Week 1009: What's in a name By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, February 14, 4:29 PM Rick Santorum: It's a crisis! Am I crass? I'm not. Man 'n' man is tantamount to man 'n' mutt. To man 'n' cat. To man 'n' rat. To man 'n' trout! TO MAN 'n' STORK!!! ICK! (Daniel Mauer) As the Empress continued to dip into the archives to dig up classics for the Invite's 20th-anniversary retrospective — look here in three weeks — she couldn't wait to give another go to this contest, one that yielded some of our best results ever in both Week 341 (2002) and Week 617 (2005). [See the results of those contests here.]: Write something about some person, real or fictional, using only the letters in the person's name, as in the example above from 2005 (yes, Santorum has been very good to the 'Vite for many years). You might use the person's middle name if the person uses it himself, or a woman's maiden name along with her married name, or "Jr.," or, ahem, "III," but not a title or description along with the name. Obviously, it's less impressive to come up with something from a long, long name. You don't have to use all the letters, and you may use any letter in the name as often as you like. Really long passages have to be worth the space; you don't get brownie points just for generating a zillion ho-hum words. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this fabulous coin purse made from a genuine Australian cane toad. Donated by not-yet-a-Loser Marilyn London. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for "My Cup Punneth Over" mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag ("Almost Valuable Player"). Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 25; results published March 17 (online March 14). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1009" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 1006, in which we asked you to come up with a novel superhero (or not-so-superhero): The winner of the Inkin' Memorial The Green Intern: Wields extraordinary powers to embarrass and screw up while performing ordinary tasks. (Michael Reinemer, Annandale, Va.) 2. Winner of the Tiny Kung Fu Fighter figure: Stuporman: Activates his Bore-Ring to render criminals unconscious. So why isn't he heading the Justice Department instead of State? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 3. Taximan: Can magically hail a cab anytime, in any weather, in any neighborhood — and he's black. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) 4. Swap Thing: Possesses the power to take a dusty, moldy art box and turn it into a dusty, moldy fly rod. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Not so cape-able: honorable mentions Alablaster: The world's most powerful PR agent, he can whitewash even a Lindsay Lohan-caliber screw-up. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) The Amazing Shlärftäg has the power to put together Ikea furniture in a single attempt without losing any pieces. (Steve Goldsmith, Springfield, Va., a First Offender) Wonkella: She swoops down to identify, frame and analyze public policy problems and create solutions that are always Pareto-optimal and that square values with perfect reflective equilibrium! (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) The Peequalizer: Magically changes stadium men's rooms to ladies' rooms when the lines are ridiculously disproportionate. (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) The Trumpeter: Able to (1) blow his own horn, (2) start tall buildings with a single check and (3) stop traffic with his hair. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Bleeperman: Faster than a speeding bull---t! (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) The DeweyDecimalators: Five battle-hardened, cynical librarians known as the Order of the Shelves guard the Houses of Knowledge against the sons and daughters of Chaos. (Lawrence McGuire) Mag Neat-o: Can remove the shipping label from a publication without ruining the cover! (Dion Black, Washington) The Scarlet Taper: He rescues government servants from the curses of efficiency and effectiveness. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The Flesh: His body transforms simple carbohydrates to harness the awesome force of gravity, powering his struggle to free South Beach from the nefarious Dr. Atkins and his sinister Glycemic Index. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Eneman: Fleet of, well, 'tain't feet. (Christopher Larsen, Richmond, Calif.) SuperScalper: Has the magical ability to get more than face value for Wizards tickets. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The Applicator: Able to administer an entire dose of hemorrhoid cream into the "affected area" without smearing. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) COMMAndo: Assuring life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness by adding serial commas to all sentences lacking them. Then he'll smile, wave to his fans, and fly off into the vasty blue. (John Shea, Philadelphia) Irony Man: His Snarc-Reactor-powered suit enables him to effortlessly combat the forces of evil, as soon as he's finished watching this episode of "Portlandia." (Andrew Heyman, Chicago, a First Offender) Miss D'Opportunity: Whispers perfect ripostes in the ears of the just-dissed — too late, of course. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Hit and Missus: A crime-fighting couple able to defeat a few bad guys occasionally. (Konrad Schwoerke, Chapel Hill, N.C.) Aqua Velva Man: Lives in the ocean and hangs out with fish because women don't want anything to do with him. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) Karma Man: Comes around and bites you in the butt. (Christopher Larsen) The Prim Reaper: She doesn't look life-threatening, but .?.?. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) Impotento: Don't even try to [mess] with him! (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Mr. Who: Mysterious adventurer who travels through time saving civilizations and correcting cosmic imbalances, but is still working on his dissertation. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Reply-All Man: Able to infuriate dozens with the press of a single finger. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Wonder Womb-Man: Has the unfailing ability to spot a woman who happens to have a bit of belly fat, and then ask her "So, when are you due?" (Dion Black) Yoda Berra: Stymies evildoers by speaking in twisted syntax AND twisted logic: "Over not is it over is it until." (Gary Crockett) Scantily Clad Woman: Who cares what her powers are? Just buy the comic, fanboy. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Yo-Mama: She doesn't have any superpowers, but she's had all the superheroes. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Supermensch: No powers, to be honest; just a really nice guy. Criminals just give up to be in his company. (Larry Gray) Next week's results: Clue Us In, or Cross Your Har ====================================================================== WEEK 1010, published February 24, 2013 The Style Invitational Week 1010 A good old caption contest By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, February 21, 5:03 PM Every week in this space we feature a cartoon by Bob Staake, the Pen Who Will Not Be Stopped. But it's been almost a year since we've done our perennial contest in which we ask Bob to draw several bizarre renderings and ask readers to write captions for them. This week: Write a caption for any of these five cartoons. When several people come up with the same humorous idea, it will be the funniest writer who wins. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this "What's Your Poo Telling You?" daily calendar, with fascinating factoids on every page (Aug. 28: "Why Can't You Smell Your Own Poo, but Others Can?"; Feb. 6: "The Menstool Cycle: When men who live together poo on the same cycle"). Donated by Brendan Beary, who already knows what he's being told. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 4; results published March 24 (online March 21). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1010" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions was submitted by both Tom Witte and Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 1007, in which we presented the filled-in crossword grid shown on this page, and asked you to come up with creative, funny clues for any of the words: As always with the results of our Clue Us In contests, some of the clues require some mental flexibility to read; for example, the two clues for ARE below are "era" backward, and "a Re." (The real clues for this crossword — by master constructor Bob Klahn — include many clever ones as well. See bit.ly/xwordclues1007 for the list.) As in past years, not all the words in the grid get ink below, and some are represented by more than one clue — it was about what was funny, not in getting a complete list. First Offenders are designated by asterisks. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial RAH: The Egyptian god who demanded sacrifices of human pyramids (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) 2 . Winner of the little jar of Turkish "Aprodaisique": BET: Bettor if you do; better if you don't. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) 3 . HOMEMADE: Terrifying adjective with "fireworks" and "condoms." (*Craig Whitaker, Rockville, Md.) 4 . GEEZERS: A good name for an ear-hair plucker (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.; Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Cluesers: honorable mentions AGELIMIT: Death (Barry Koch; David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) ARE: Era of reflection (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) ARE: Between a female deer and a name I call myself (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) ASSIST: What the proctologist's nurse does (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) ASSIST: Saddle sore (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) AVON: Someone else you don't want calling when your wife is home alone (Bill Smith, Reston, Va.) AVON: An old Chevy shifted into R. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis; Konrad Schwoerke, Chapel Hill, N.C.) BOA: Female Portuguese water dog (*Judy Livingston, Hopewell, N.J.) BOA: Bank whose MO is the credit squeeze (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) BOBBIN: ___ Laden, Osama's reclusive Western cousin. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) BOBBIN: Hope chest (*Doug Hamilton, College Park, Md.) BOBBIN: Gen. Lee's casket (David Garratt) BOBBIN: Ratman's sidekick (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) CHILIPEPPER: If you can't stand the heat, get it out of the kitchen (Chris Doyle) DEFT: Hearing-impaired rapper (Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario) DLO: Roy Wood's fourth try at a hit band before succeeding (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) DLO: Mr. Green who did the even more censored version of "[Forget] You" (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg) DRILLRIG: Stand-alone GOP energy platform (David Genser, Poway, Calif.) EXPENSES: The most creative fiction being written today (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) ELI: Boston area term meaning "second-rate" (Mark Raffman, Harvard Law, '86) ELI: Robert ___, general in the Chinese remake of "Gettysburg" (Doug Hamilton) FRAT: Do these madras shorts make me look ___? (Roger Hammons, Ashburn, Va.) FRAT: Where a high GPA is secondary to a high BAC (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) GAEL: Irish blowhard (Tom Murphy, Bowie, Md.) GEEZERS: Teenagers' parents (*Eileen Brandy, Silver Spring, Md.) HARRIDANS: Where the "Real Housewives" shop on trips to London (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) INS: You need these to get a green card from them (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) LENT: Mr. T's abstemious brother (Roy Ashley, Washington) LOGON: Basic fire-building instruction (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) LOGON: John Holmes's expression for "I'm ready to work" (*Glenn Estridge, Clarksville, Md.) MITE: A little mixed-up item (Jeff Contompasis) MITE: Small branch of N. England geek school (Glenn Estridge) NEON: Gas you pass in Vegas (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) NEON: Item now on 'Skins medical evaluation checklist (Jim Reagan, Herndon, Va.) ODDS: They bring out the bets in us (Chris Doyle) OFFPEAK: Metro-speak for "never" (Steve Offutt, Arlington, Va.) OFFPEAK: Euphemistic tweet about Everest mishap (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) OTELLO: Wow, contact Winfrey immediately! (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) POTEEN: Super-size sub sandwich in N. Orleans (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City,; Roy Ashley) PURPLEPROSE: What yellow journalism is often written in (Skip Livingston, Hopewell, N.J.) REASONER: Elected successor to the Decider (*Eric Marx, Chevy Chase, Md.) REED: What Bambi sees in the reflecting pond (Danielle Nowlin) REED: A straw in the wind (Chris Doyle) RESTEDON: Prehistoric ancestor of the house cat (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.) REVSUP: Congregation's asleep, but ____ (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) ROTO: Texting acronym for "ream out the office." "The boss was ROTO'ing all morning." (Chris Doyle) SAVIOR: Anyone within shouting distance when you need toilet paper (William Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio) SERPENT: "Repents" in a sneaky way (Edmund Conti) SHATNER: Aged Canadian ham (*Ann Bietsch, Shippensburg, Pa.) SLEUTH: Stalker's preferred term (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.; Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) SPEECHES: Ambien competitor (David Garratt) STEPLIVELY: Instruction never called out by the director of a zombie movie (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.) TEE: With "hee," common interjection when Sen. Rand Paul says, "If I were president ..." (David Genser) TYPEC: How to make hubby chubby (*Alex Jeffrey, Columbia, Md.) PEG + TOES: A pirate's minor handicap (Mark Raffman) STEPLIVELY + GEEZERS: Comment heard during Zumba time at the Tough Love Senior Center (Larry Gray) Next week: Our 20-year retrospective! ====================================================================== WEEK 1011, published March 3, 2013 The Style Invitational Week 1011: Top this! Try your hand at a decade's worth of the Style Invitational's greatest hits Feb 28, 2013 11:58 PM EST The Washington Post Published: February 28 As we did in our similar 10th-anniversary retrospective, we invite you to try your hand at any of the contests mentioned in this look back. For contests referring to that day's or week's paper, use this week's; for contests about something "in the news," etc., use the current news. For obit poems, however, write them about people who died in the specified year; for the horse names, use the list presented that year (you might not be able to find the earlier ones). You're permitted to reenter your entries that didn't get ink the first time around, but do you really think I'll prefer them to the ones I chose for this greatest-hits anthology? For further details on the individual contests mentioned today, along with links to many of them, see the Master Contest List maintained by Proto-Loser Elden Carnahan of Laurel at bit.ly/invitecontests. (You can also find many of the old contests online by Googling "Style Invitational" "Week [whatever]." There's also likely to be much discussion about them on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook. * We give you our words: The Invitational's neologisms * Staying power: The long-running contests * High fives: The Invitational's limericks * The Style Invitational goes viral * It's always parody time * Some reward! The Invitational's coolest prizes * Style Invitational Week 1011: Try your hand * The art (or 'art') of the Invitational Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, in return for topping all but one of the incredibly good entries that will run in four weeks, a little plastic PooPen ("Your #2 Pen!"), which is brown and bumpy and shiny. Donated by Robert Schechter. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for "My Cup Punneth Over" mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag ("Almost Valuable Player"). Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, March 11; results published March 31 (online March 28). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week; this week they can be for a single contest or for many, as long as the total number of entries doesn't exceed 25. Include "Week 1011" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. Next: A sampling of brave new words from our many neologism contests. ====================================================================== WEEK 1012, published March 10, 2013 The Style Invitational Week 1012: The news at 5 By Pat Myers, Thursday, March 7, 1:13 PM North Korea for summer vacation, That passing-a-gallstone sensation And intestinal flu Are all comparable to The appeal of this damned sequestration. We're still basking in the glow of last week's 20th-anniversary retrospective, which brimmed with tantalizing tidbits from dozens of our more than 1,000 contests over the years. Among them were two limericks that made us thirst for a swig of more five-liners to tide us over till our annual Limerixicon in August. This week: Write a limerick about a recent news event, as in the example above. You may add a title or a lead-in line, but the limerick can't require a lot of accompanying explanation. See wapo.st/limrules for guidelines for what we look for in a limerick. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this really cool and ooky squeeze ball; not only do yellow-goo-filled clear plastic bubble things force their way through the mesh of the ball when you squeeze it, but it also makes an appropriately disgusting noise while doing so. Donated in the middle of a restaurant by Loser Dave Prevar. This ball has already been pre-squeezed many times by the Empress during the editing of last week's Invitational. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 18; results published April 7 (online April 4). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1012" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline for the "next week's results" line is by Brendan Beary. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 1008, in which we asked you to rearrange the words of a movie title and describe the resulting new film: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial The Kwai on the River Bridge: Barbara Walters narrates a moving story of two lovers saying goodbye above the Seine. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 2. Winner of the brown-and-white soap labeled "Butt" and "Face": Ralph It, Wreck!: A less-than-compassionate sidekick counsels a rock star through her latest drinking binge. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3. Rich Little, Poor Girl: An aging impressionist tricks young women into blind dates by imitating Ryan Gosling, Daniel Craig, George Clooney and Justin Bieber. (Dan O'Day, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) 4. Wonderful? It's a Life: Grandpa Irving pooh-poohs being in the Greatest Generation. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) In Translation: Lost — honorable mentions About 10, I Hate You Things: The story of a frazzled day-care provider. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The Spider, Amazing, Man: Cheech and Chong contemplate their pet tarantula. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) The Fear of Wages: A hedge fund manager has nightmares about having his income taxed like his secretary's. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) How Stella Got Her Back Groove: Dangers of a wrinkled mattress pad. (Ellen Ryan) Sarah Forgetting Marshall: Ms. Palin attempts to name all the black Supreme Court justices in U.S. history. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) High Times at Ridgemont Fast: Hilarity ensues when David and Sara smuggle marijuana into Yom Kippur services. (Doug Wadler, Potomac, Md., a First Offender) The Presidents: All Men: A 2017 film about the way things used to be. (Janelle Gibb, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) The Queen — African?: Birthers challenge Elizabeth II. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) The Mile Green: A documentary about the world's most difficult Putt-Putt hole. (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.) Who's Dinner Coming To? Guess!: Sadistic parents pit siblings against each other at mealtimes. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Weeks Later, 28: Innocently enough, parents get their daughter two mice for Christmas.?.?. (Brendan Beary) From Eternity to Here?: A Buddhist dung beetle contemplates how big a jerk he must have been in his previous life. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) Talk, Pillow!: A lonely woman wishes her most intimate partner would just love her back. (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.) Lovers of the Last Red Hot: Two amorous moviegoers share the piece of candy stuck at the bottom of the package. (Jeff Loren, Manassas, Va.) Paris Last in Tango: Sobbing and screaming, Hilton bombs on "Dancing With the Stars." (Brian Allgar, Paris) Jedi of the Return: An elite group of consumers gets full refunds on unwanted merchandise — without the original store receipts! (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg, Md.) Girl Wants a What?: Dad thinks he's taking his daughter to Piercing Palace to get her ears done, but Little Princess has other ideas .?.?. (Brendan Beary) Wants What? A Girl?: Gay dads face the reality that their figure-skater son is straight. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Austin Man: Mystery of International Powers: Rick Perry realizes he only has until 2016 to learn something about world events. (Brendan Beary) Iron the Lady: An evil dermatologist finds a new way to rid women of wrinkles. (Tzvia Berrin-Reinstein, Boston, a First Offender) Can't You Take It With You?: Woman hopes to get rid of boyfriend and ugly couch all at once. (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Dirty the Dozen: The Rugrats struggle to adapt to training pants. (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) Place Peyton to Return: The Denver Broncos shock fans by putting their quarterback on special teams. (Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md., a First Offender) Do the Thing Right: After 30 years of marriage, Louise decides to give Hank some feedback on his performance. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) The Hunter Deer: Bambi changes his name to Bambo and seeks revenge. (Gary Crockett) Sing? Sing in 20,000 Years: A documentary that answers the question "When should Kathie Lee Gifford sing?" (William C. Kennard, Arlington, Va.) The Lightness of Being Unbearable: Self-help video on how to become less tense by telling people what you really think of them. (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario) Me Stand By: Cookie Monster loiters outside a Pepperidge Farm factory. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Washington Goes to Mr. Smith: The nation's capital is auctioned off to cut the deficit. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Sixty Gone in Seconds: The hall is almost full when Joe Biden starts his speech, but .?.?. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Eight Out Men: Major League Baseball is scandalized, until everyone promptly gets over it. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) Show the Truman!: The alleged cover-up in the search for a new Nationals mascot (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) I Shrunk the Kids' Honey: New York Mayor Bloomberg starts limiting container sizes for ALL sweet consumables. (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) Kids, I Shrunk the Honey: One family manages just fine on unsweetened tea. (James Kruger, Butha-Buthe, Lesotho, a First Offender) 50 Dates First: Sally starts to wonder if she might be waiting a little too long before "putting out." (William Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.) Good Hunting, Will: Prince Charles sends his son to Dick Cheney's ranch for a long weekend. (Andrew Ballard, London) And Last: Dog the Wag: The never-ending pursuit of a Style Invitational Loser by his obsessed fans. (The Famed Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Next week: What's in a Name,or Collected Letters of ... ====================================================================== WEEK 1013, published March 17, 2013 The Style Invitational Week 1013 Har Monikers By Pat Myers, Thursday, March 14, 5:02 PM Who was postwar Germany's great champion of daylight-saving time? Adenauer! (Elden Carnahan) Is that CNN anchorwoman hot, or what? Oh yeah, Paula Zahn fire! (Dave Zarrow) What did the feminist singer say to Sadat? All Liz Phair in love, Anwar! (Chris Doyle) In the Empress's earlier incarnation as a copy editor in The Post's Style section, part of the job was to write headlines containing puns and other wordplay (one of her proudest achievements: For a story about someone whose job was to monitor people who were giving urine samples for drug testing, she wrote "Looking Out for Number One"; and the same day, for a story about someone who had to clean out portable toilets, "Waste Is a Terrible Thing to Mind." Thank you). But even in Style, the copy editors were warned: Don't make puns on people's names. It's lame and tacky. This week, write a riddle that uses a pun of a person's name in the answer, as in the gleefully groany examples above that got ink in our previous go at this contest in 2002. You can see the original answers on the Master Contest List at NRARS.org, the Losers' Web site (click on Week 442, where the results are); you won't risk duplicating them if you use people who've gained their fame in the past decade. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the very fine Fanny Bank, which consists of a pair of plastic jeans with something resembling a plastic butt sticking out of the top; dropping a coin in the slot (conveniently located in the something-like-a-butt) generates an electronic fart noise. Donated by Loser Cheryl Davis, who seems to possess hundreds of prize-worthy pieces of embarrassiana. (See the Style Conversational at bit.ly/conv1013 for a video clip.) Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 25; results published April 14 (online April 11). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1013" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Brad Alexander; the alternative headline for the "next week's results" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 1009, in which we asked for passages written about a person using only the letters in his or her name: Lots of responses, including a few that someone could actually manage to read. And out of 60 entries on her short­list, 11 of them were found to contain letters that were not in the person's name — as many as three different wrong letters in a single entry. Thanks to Losergeeks Steve Langer and Jeff Contompasis for coming up with fast, nifty ways to check for invalid letters. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Ke$ha: $he $hake$ a$$, ha$ $$. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) 2. Winner of the coin purse made from a whole Australian cane toad: Angus MacGyver: Uses sunscreen, a car gauge, mucus, an eraser, mascara, a cane, garage grease, a N.Y. egg cream, gum — unarms a gang, rescues a granny, saves a nun. Vacuums mess. Cures cancer. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3. Brigham Young: Bigamy? Ha! I'm marrying Miriam, Mary, Ann, Hannah, Amy.?.?. [all were Young's actual wives] (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 4. Hillary Rodham Clinton: Lay road to nomination: To Do: ?Find rich, rich donor (critical!) ?Traction on Hill? Am I too chilly to Harry and Nancy? ?Mr. Clinton? Hard to ditch (control him!!) ?Call in additional chit (or many, ha ha) ?Command military. Cool! Rarin' to do it. ?Lid on it till May. Told CNN to chill. ?Man, I can nail it!(David Messing, Washington) Of nominal interest: Honorable mentions George Washington: He was a great one, a wise one, the shining star o' the new nation. OTOH, tho there was no terror on his estate, there were no wages either. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Anthony Weiner: A horny tweet: "Hey there, honey. Hot to trot here." A wiener on Twitter! Heh-heh. What a hoot! Oh-oh. A writer on the horn. I tarry: "What? No way, no how! Not I!" Then I wait, try not to worry. Whoa. Another writer, an ornery one. I rant, threaten to hire an attorney. Oy, yet another. .?.?. They're on to it. I won't win. Weary, I retreat: "Yeah, I hit on her." What now? I retire in notoriety — an Internet nitwit. (Chris Doyle) Seth MacFarlane: A shameless, tasteless telecast falls flat. "Tee-hee — men see actresses' ta-tas!" (The real threat: Letterman feels he earns a fresh chance.) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Manti Te'o: Main man on team. Neat tattoo. Mania! Nominee! Mention intimate emotion ("Te amo!" — inanimate mate). No, no, no — an imitation! It ain't no one! (Am I into men?) (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.) William Howard Taft: What? Too fat? A load of lard? Hah! I will root for him to roar, to dart forward, to thwart T.R. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Katniss Everdeen: A teen starves in a stark area in need. Saves sister, stands in instead. Trains in intense events. Starts dire test. Stranded in tree, severs nest. Kids die via nest, knives, stakes. Kisses, saves ardent kid near river. Kat and kid end in tie, are saved. State desires Kat dead. At end, ardent kid never skins a Kat. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Vladimir Lenin: Madman. Animal. Rivaled Idi Amin in evil. And never, ever, delivered marmalade in a lavender minivan. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) Joseph Ratzinger: So, I retire as pope — it's not right to phone it in, so I resign. To raise pet rats in a spare garage? To open a retro Gap store in Pretoria? To sponsor aspiring rappers in Ephrata, Pa.? To terrorize priests in Paris or inspire neo-Nazi rioting in Tanzania? Nein to that, nein! Prepare to see the Great Joe Zero-G, trapeze artist! (Elden Carnahan) Sarah Palin: A shrill pain in la panini. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Gordon Ramsay: Madman? Says yo mama! My angry moods? My drama? Among goons and morons, and gassy odors and gross mango/mayo aromas — AGONY! So, sorry? NO! Yo mama may go gag on dog gonads! (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Lance Armstrong: Testosterone! More testosterone! (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) Genghis Khan: Asian seeks geishas, sake. (Ha!) Gains neighing nags, nagging hags, shanghaing gangs. Sees shahs, sheikhs, kings. Assassin sinks his aging heinie. (Kevin Dopart) Mel Gibson: Me? Imbibing on binges? Loosing noisome libels? Ogling bimbos? No! I'm noble! I'm Mel being Mel! (Mark Raffman) Clarence Thomas: Ne'er a comment (other than that one snort at the ol' alma mater). No one's loss. (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) Herman Cain: I'm an ace in an American chain, a mean machine. I ran in a race, each man an anemic, harmin' arch-enema — ha ha! I am merrier, richer — and inane! Hear I'm a cinch? Hear I care? Merci, ami! (Cameraman, reach an' enhance me here.) Her main charm? Her chin, her carmine mane. Her niece? Nicer. Her mama? Hairier. Rein me in, I'm a chimin' ham! (Diane Wah, Seattle, a First Offender) Rush Limbaugh: A big, shrill, gas-bag humbug: "Blah blah librulls blah rama lama 'Bama blah blah blah!" (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Kate Middleton: At nineteen I met and dated a man, an eminent man. It entailed immediate media attention — a lot. Tittle-tattle made me into a national idol. (I liked it!) Meantime I modeled. I initiated an intimate tete-a-tete (i.e., a little naked nookie). It led to a diamond, a tied knot and an elated nation. A title, too! (Chris Doyle) Rush Limbaugh: Shhhhh. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Gene Weingarten: Engaging, winning writer? Entertaining, nattering wag? Irritating, grating ranter? We agree. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) And last: Pat Myers: Empress sees my mastery? Rates me as a star? Mm-mm .?.?. Spears me, tears apart my art, reaps my tears? Yes. (Mark Raffman) Next week: Picture This, or Arty Har-Hars ====================================================================== WEEK 1014, published March 24, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1014: Join now — combine parts of two words to make a new one By Pat Myers , Published: March 21 *Deliver + sausage = Deli-sage: The guy at the pickle barrel who dispenses advice along with the kosher dills — the swami of salami.* *Appetizing + gallbladder = Zingbladder: The special talent that earned little Jason the esteem of the other boys after the last snow.* *Employer + appetizing = Emp-app: A combination rhyming dictionary, anagram generator and list of last year's celebrity deaths. Though it contains far more words than any other language, English always has room for more of them — as made abundantly clear in dozens of Invitational contests over the years. So it's neologism time: This week: Combine the beginning and end, or the beginnings or ends, of any two words in a single Washington Post story or ad published March 21 to April 1 into a new word or two-word phrase, and define the result, as in the examples above from today's Invite. The two elements don't have to be full syllables, but they must each have at least two letters and one element can't be a whole word (unless it's part of a larger word that you found). You may add hyphens or change capitalization as you wish. You may use the beginning of a word as the end of your neologism, and vice versa. Please include the two words you've used, and preferably the page number from the print Post, or a link to an online article. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a double prize: both a container of Anal Traveler hand sanitizer, donated by Phil Frankenfeld, and — because you really cannot be too careful these days — a bottle of Maybe You Touched Your Genitals hand sanitizer, donated by Nan Reiner. These would prove especially useful at the Flushies, the Style Invitational Losers' annual awards dinner, on May 11. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 1; results published April 21 (online April 18). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1014" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Chris Doyle; the alternative headline for the "next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Report from Week 1010, in which we asked for captions for any of these products of Bob Staake's clinically creative mind: After judging the estimated 1,300 entries, the Empress was jazzed to discover, after 1,010 Style Invitational contests, that two of the top four were from First Offenders, and the third-place guy got one blot of ink five years ago. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial * /Cartoon 3:/ "Put dressing aside. Test turkey with fork. When done, set on table." /(John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)/ 2. Winner of the "What's Your Poo Telling You?" daily calendar:* /*Cartoon 5: /Oscar Pistorius was never recognized when he wore his Mickey Mouse suit in public./(Karen Beck, Annapolis, Md., a First Offender)/ 3. /Cartoon 2: / The Koch brothers' manservant begins his quest for the next Mitt Romney./(Michael Gaffney, Bethesda, )/ 4*/Cartoon 2:/ Every year in late February, the nation's professional puppeteers travel to Florida for string training./(Lyle Brenneman, Washington, a First Offender)/ *Out of the picture: Honorable mentions *CARTOON 1* Akbar regretted having wished for the genie to make him "younger and taller." /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ How to put on a hat when your arms don't reach the top of your head. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ Standing alone atop the high ladder, little Pollyanna remained unfezzed. /(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)/ The youngest Wallenda decided his path to stardom with the Shrine Circus would be different from the rest of the family's. /(Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.)/ Greg Louganis found out early what a "fez-plant" was. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/ Baby loses his first tooth. Well, teeth. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ *CARTOON 2* Jim Henson's first attempt, Kermit the Fog, was not a big success./(Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.)/ Maurice finally pulled it off — strings with no deal attached! /(Doug Hamilton, College Park, Md.)/ The Downton Abbey staff was perplexed as to how this new dish — "spaghetti" — should be served./(Mark Raffman)/ When the NFL thing didn't work out, Manti Te'o tried his hand at puppetry. /(Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)/ Jeeves is not quite sure how to clean his employer's tapeworm collection. /(David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)/ Frank Deford personally delivers this year's swimsuits to the Sports Illustrated models. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ Geppetto was beginning to regret giving Pinocchio those scissors for his birthday. /(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)/ *CARTOON 3* Bill came to Gina's for the turkey and stayed for the stuffing./(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ Both will make you feel tired afterward. /(Martin Angebranndt, Arlington, Va, a First Offender)/ Lady Godiva eventually got her revenge on Peeping Tom. /(Danielle Nowlin)/ There are some things that many guys find equally appetizing. /(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)/ "I'd like some breast, please." /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ The new waitress misinterpreted what it meant to "wait on tables" at Hooters. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ How blind dates often see one another. /(David Garratt)/ /For Cartoons 3 and 4 together: / The dreams of a husband and wife, sleeping right next to each other, can be very different indeed. /(Mark Raffman)/ *CARTOON 4* The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't about to let the Jolly Green Giant's gallbladder go to waste, not with mouths to feed. /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)/ Miss Borden was called to the morgue to identify the body. /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Md.)/ After her ninth child, Irma decides to get rid of the waterbed. /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)/ Mary had to fight to keep her extra-spicy sausage down. /(Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.)/ Lorena Bobbitt should never have married the Hulk. /(Blair Thurman, Virginia Beach, a First Offender)/ After a full day attending a bris with one side of the family and a St. Patrick's Day bar crawl with the other, Esther experienced some peculiar dreams. /(Danielle Nowlin)/ *CARTOON 5 Unfortunately, the Michael Jackson impersonator for tonight's show wore the wrong nose. /(Kevin Dopart)/ Mickey didn't mind having left his other glove in the club, but he thought he really ought to go back for the hand and the arm. /(Mark Raffman)/ During Prohibition, you could be less discreet at the Squeakeasy. /(Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.; Rob Huffman)/ An 85-year-old movie star can still turn heads./(Marie Baumann, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)/ It /was/ a better mousetrap, but the $10,000 price tag limited the path-beaters. /(Barry Koch)/ The nightclub owner was surprised when his trusted bodyguard slipped him a Mickey. /(Jim Reagan, Herndon, Va.)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our contest for puns on names. See bit.ly/invite1013 .* /Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, in which the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. / *Next week: Score 1 for the Style Invitational,* or XX Humor,* our contest celebrating the Invite's 20th-anniversary retrospective by inviting you to enter any of the past contests mentioned that week. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1015, published March 31, 2013 The Style Invitational Week 1015 Faux re mi By Pat Myers, Thursday, March 28, 2:40 PM Jimi Hendrix's first band in high school, the Li'l Stinkers, did polkas at weddings in the Seattle area. (Jeff Brechlin) Carlos Guitarra, inventor of the stringed instrument that bears his name, had six fingers on each hand. (Steve Fahey) The tune to the Oscar Mayer wiener jingle is an upbeat version of a dirge that Viking warriors would sing before beheading an enemy. (Mike Herring) Every so often here in Loserland, we like to put our career in "Jeopardy!" by sharing some fascinating facts — or what would be fascinating facts if they weren't totally bogus. We've had contests for fictoids in medicine, history, the movies; today, at the suggestion of Xtreme Loser Chris Doyle: Give us some humorously false trivia about music or musicians, as in the examples above from a general-fictoid contest we ran in 2007. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a box of genuine Dried Fish Floss crackers, which will give your piranhas the cleanest teeth in town. Actually, it's a Southeast Asian delicacy of very lightweight flakes of fish, and is probably delicious except for its English name, much like the Mexican corn smut we gave away a few years ago. Donated by Loser Marleen May. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 8; results published April 28 (online April 25). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1015" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 1011, in which, to commemorate the Style Invitational's 20th anni-versary, the Empress challenged you to enter (or reenter) any of the dozens of contests included in that week's retrospective: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial For Week 531, cynical takes on inspirational platitudes: If you can make just one person laugh, maybe comedy's not your thing. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 2. Winner of the bumpy brown PooPen (yes, we are so, so sophisticated): For Week 565, a song parody reflecting modern America: To "Do You Hear the People Sing?" from "Les Miserables" Do you hear the people scream, Screaming the screeds of angry men? Hear it on MSNBC and Fox And even CNN. In the Twitter feeds and blogs, Everyone has to have his say. This is why we get nothing done In the U.S.A. Now from gun control to taxes to our military might, We can never see a shade of gray. It's only black and white. There's no middle ground. We just go round and round in the fight!(Repeat chorus) (Barbara Sarshik, McLean, Va.) 3. For Week 580, combine two countries: Kazakhstan + Botswana = Kazawana: Where they never explain and never apologize. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 4. For Week 913, move the last letter of a word to the beginning to make a new word: Yapolog: A long, tiresome expression of remorse. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Picked oeuvre: honorable mentions Week 508 (and others), change a word by one letter: Spukiyaki: Japanese potluck. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Capocalypse: Ovechkin tears his ACL. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Lickety-splat: The speed of a skydiver whose chute won't open. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Vulcano: Eruption in the social media over the mere mention of a Jedi mind meld.— B.H.O., Washington (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) Vacumen: The rare ability to find a mate who will clean up after himself. (Mitch Bailin, Bethesda, Md.) Wannabis: People looking to break into the drug trade. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Week 531, inspirational platitudes turned cynical: To find a prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. And in your case, you'll probably end up sleeping with them, too. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Week 545, spell a word backward: Knurd: Guy in tights and a jester hat at the Renaissance Faire who's had a bit too much "mead." (Mark Raffman) Yellup: How to get an old elevator to work. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Week 547, things a real brand name would be bad for: Speed Stick works for deodorant, but not for a male escort service. (Robert Schechter) Caterpillar is a good name for construction equipment but a bad one for a suppository. (Kevin Dopart) Week 557, compare two people whose names have a common element: Ed McMahon: Here's Johnny. Ed Gein: Wears Johnny. (Kevin Dopart) Week 565, song parodies about modern America: To "You Can't Get a Man with a Gun" from "Annie Get Your Gun" (start the video at 0:35 to hear the tune) Our Second Amendment! The words the Framers penned meant That restrictions on arms were done. Now we don't need to stifle the urge to buy a rifle 'Cause we can't keep a man from a gun. We let you be choosy. A Glock or Sig or Uzi Can be purchased for shooting fun. And the clip that's within it -- five hundred rounds a minute. Oh, you bet! You can get any gun. Any gun! Any gun! Yes, you bet you can get any gun! Those checks, we don't need 'em, our loopholes supersede 'em. And in shootings we're Number 1! Oh, we aren't despotic, we're patri-idi-otic And our weapons our hot (but we're not when we're shot) Oh, we can't keep a man from a gun. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) [see one more Week 565 parody near the bottom] Week 568, puns on book titles: What did we say when we were very young and constipated? We Need a Poo. (Chris Doyle) Week 580, combine two countries: Taiwan + Gabon: Taiwanon: Known for its multi-party system. (Kevin Dopart) Macao + South Africa = Macaca: Fast-growing new country, founded to provided asylum for disgraced politicians. (Frank Osen) Ecuador + Hungary = Ecuahung: the only country where all men truly are created equal. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Weeks 583 and 786, "Mess With Our Heads" bank headlines: Post headline: States issue third-grade ultimatum on reading Fake bank head: 'If you don't open that book right now, I'm telling Mom,' lawmakers declare (Mike Gips, Bethesda) Post: Metro tries to build the bus rider's dream Bank: Many question auto-manufacturing venture (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Post: Nine apply for D.C. charter schools Bank: 'We never expected enrollment to drop that low,' board chief says (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) Post: A handy tool for bakers and travelers alike Bank: Rolling pin perfect for bopping grabby TSA agents, say frequent fliers (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.; the headline actually referred to an app for measurement units] Post: Mummies show hardening of the arteries Bank: 4,000 years without exercise may be cause, scientists believe (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Week 648, stupid questions for product hotlines: "I used your Angel Soft Bath Tissue in the tub, but it totally fell apart!" (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Week 695, poems about people who died in 2006: Marcel Marceau Without a word inside a box of air the great mime stood, Still silent is the mime, but now the box is made of wood. (Mark Raffman) Week 706, take a sentence from a Post story and supply a question it could answer: Post: "My 13 hours were just the beginning." Q: Why does Mrs. Rand Paul now forbid her husband to use Viagra? (Steve Honley, Washington) Post: If it were to happen I think that it probably wouldn't be all that well received. Q. An all-dog football team — how would they even be able to throw a pass? (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) Week 749, redefine a word beginning with A to H: Hostage: The feeling you get when guests won't leave. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) Week 871, change a movie title by one letter or number: "The Hurt Licker." This mom isn't content to just "kiss it and make it better." (Mark Raffman) "Bob & Carol & Ted & Lice": The downside of sharing a bed. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Week 891, palindrome sentences: Toilet paper, good. NOT good: paper toilet. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Week 900, "Dear Blank" notes: Dear Carly Rae Jepsen: You're welcome. Sincerely, Alexander Graham Bell (Michael Solano, Ha Khabo, Lesotho, a First Offender) Week 925, redefine a word beginning with I to O: Outhouse (v.): To buy a McMansion with a fancier bathroom than your neighbor's. (Beverley Sharp) Krakatoa: A South Seas version of soccer, played barefoot with a coconut. (Sheila Blume, Sayville, N.Y.) Week 947, neologisms featuring the letter block N-O-E-L in any order: Nolectorate: Republicans living in Montgomery County, Md., and Democrats living in Montgomery County, Tex. (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) Week 519, only-in-D.C. pickup lines: Are you a female minority service-disabled veteran small business owner? Because I've set aside 13 percent of my heart for you. (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.) Week 494, a mundane passage in the style of a famous writer: Peter Piper, a la the poet Gerard Manley Hopkins: Ah Piper, Peter, róck grime-múcked—but a vein Of what pure ore (poor oaf) thee grids unsmelted? With turf-trudge worn, with thorn-crossed creeper welted For Éngland! Sílage-sóul of her, bilge of her brain! Picked peppers, hast thou? Fruit innocent as rain, The crunch-curve curl that inners it, rind-belted, To acid sweetness smarted is, tarted is, melted, Lush long legume layerwise thou loadst again! Why do tongues twist thee, trolloping tongues traduce thee? Sure they're to seashore-seashell-seller spells riper; Do plosive pratfall pranks yet again produce thee With half-of-it, laugh-at-it sayspells grossly tickled? Príde in it! Péal, póur, pélt on us, Píper, Próduce! Príze picking peppers, yes, Peter, pickled! (Peg Hausman, Vienna, Va.) Another parody from Week 565: To the "Major-General's Song" from "The Pirates of Penzance," perhaps the most parodied song ever I am the very model of a modern-day American Who lauds this country constantly and sings its praise whene'er he can. I'm heaping adulation on my grand, unblemished motherland: Just come to the United States, and know you'll need no other land! I'll scorn and shun each man who cannot speak our language fluently; I'll mock our politicians on the left and right congruently. And when it comes to matters of my weight, it has propensity To follow a trajectory of ever-growing density. I'll scrutinize the tabloids; see which couple will dichotomize. Don't broach cerebral subjects, or my brain will self-lobotomize! In short, in matters worshipful of U.S.-based mentality, This model of a citizen's not anchored in reality. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) And last: Week 519, only-in-D.C. pickup lines: Hey, baby, can I buy you a drrrrink? Speaking of .?.?. ink, did you know I've been published in The Washington Post? I happen to have some samples with me.?.?. (Mike Gips) Next week: The News at 5, or Man Bites Doggerel ====================================================================== WEEK 1016, published April 7, 2013 The Style Invitational Week 1016 Foaling around By Pat Myers, Thursday, April 4, 3:59 PM Python x Just Win Baby = Snaked Ambition Fear the Kitten x Overanalyze = Felis Envy While those pink-and-red equal-sign icons continue to pepper the pages of Facebook, what a fitting time to pony up our annual horse-"breeding" contest — in which virtually all 100 racehorses on our list are, as usual, male. This contest, which has been one of the Invitational's most heavily entered since it debuted in 1995 — some people enter this contest, and only this contest, every year, and the Empress routinely gets thousands of entries — works like this: On this page is a list of 100 of the horses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races (see the chart below to the left; click on it or click here for an enlarged and printable verson). "Breed" any two and give the "foal" a name humorously reflecting the names of the parents, as in the examples above. As in the real thoroughbred registry, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces. You may use numerals and/or punctuation, but they count as characters. The usual limit of 25 entries per week will be rigidly enforced. Take care to spell the parents' names correctly, since the Empress will be searching for only those names during the judging. And do the E a favor and double-space your list of entries, if you're sending a bunch. Don't bother making a three-way combination, or using a name from the list as a foal. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the book "Political Babble: The 1,000 Dumbest Things Ever Said by Politicians." (Examples: "When many people are out of work, unemployment results." — Calvin Coolidge; "I would have made a good pope." — Richard Nixon.) Donated by Loser Amanda Yanovitch. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 15 (since you won't have anything else due around then); results published May 5 (online May 2 — just before the Kentucky Derby). Include "Week 1016" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline for the "next week's results" line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Still running — deadline Monday night — our contest for musical fictoids. See bit.ly/invite1015. Report from Week 1012, in which we asked for limericks about topics in the news: A dismaying number of the close to 1,000 entries lacked the "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm essential to a limerick, but we knew there'd be plenty of gems. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial 6-year-old suspended for pointing his finger like a gun Because hand-"guns" make principals fret, Here's a tip you must never forget: Do not stick your first digit Up your nose while you fidget Or they'll swear you're a suicide threat. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2. Winner of the yellow-goo-popping squeeze ball: Hugo Chavez dies In Caracas, the tension's at boil As a dictator's shuffled his coil, And the foreign states vie To install their own guy, Because it's a small world, after oil. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 3. Pope Benedict dressed to the hilt — Prada shoes, golden threads in his kilt — But for Francis, no-flair Vestments simple and spare: Say! A Catholic without any gilt! (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) 4. Horsemeat labeled as beef in Europe In a Paris cafe I'm alone, Eating steak, when I call the garçon, "Got a question here, chief. Is this meat really beef?" "Non, monsieur, zat's zee filly mignon." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Lamericks: honorable mentions Little knives on a plane are now fine Since the TSA says they're benign, But the agents on guard Are now forced to work hard To keep people from cutting in line. (Kevin Dopart) Republicans seek to broaden constituency Since with women, the GOP's found, Their support's on the shakiest ground, They'll shore up their image before the next scrimmage, To make certain it's all ultra-sound. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Sen. Rand Paul's filibuster If you'd scuttle a measure on cloning, Marriage rights, or assault-weapon owning, Make them fall, one and all! Take a tip from Rand Paul: The deadliest weapon is droning. (David Smith, Stockton, Calif.) Dennis Rodman visits Kim Jong-un Dennis Rodman has made a new friend, Though the guy may have gone 'round the bend. While he's not very tall, Un loves basketball. He could play horse or be its back end. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Weary was House Speaker Boehner When he noted, "It couldn't be ploehner That we'd get much more done, And might even have fun, If my colleagues were just a bit soehner." (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Lululemon's too-sheer yoga pants I was wary and, yes, a bit frightened, But my interest in yoga's now heightened: I just stare, in a trance, Since my classmates' new pants Became sheer, or as I say, "enlightened." (Seth Tucker, Washington) Rep. Rob Portman supports gay marriage "Same-sex marriage?" cried Portman. "No way!" Till he found out his own son was gay. If he'll only act on Bills affecting his spawn, Let's sequester his kids for a day. (Denise Sudell, Cheverly, Md.) Budget trouble I Through the fiscal mess, congressmen showed They deserve every cent they are owed. They still merit their pay For the diligent way They keep kicking the can down the road. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Budget trouble II No tax rise, so voters won't grudge it-- That's how we'll come up with our budget. Closed loopholes we'll use To increase revenues. And the rest of the deficit? Fudge it. (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) Budget trouble III "Though more Medicare cuts won't appeal," Said the president, "let's make a deal." In Washington jargon, That's called a "grand bargain," And it certainly sounds like a steal. (Frank Osen) "News in Brief," March 13 Post In Rome, a new symbol of hope; In Springfield, a serial grope; In Arundel, that "stag" With his catheter bag: Just a pervert, a pope and a dope. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Benedict XVI resigns "You should stay. With our help you can cope." But this man was not swayed, and said, "Nope." Have to give him his props Getting out 'fore he drops, For this pontiff's too pooped, thus, to pope. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Administration justifies drone strikes Though Obama can move you and thrill you, You won't grasp his full power till you Have finally known What it's like when a drone Swoops down from the heavens to kill you. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Chavez dies "Lord, by gringos my nation's been cursed. I've been bullied, traduced and coerced. In Hell's fire they should fry! Make them die! Make them die!" Came a voice from on high: "Hugo first." (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Chavez's body cannot be preserved El Comandante gets put in a grave, Not displayed with a permanent wave. You can't be caught stallin' Once a body has fallen; Seems now Hugo's too rotten to save. (Kevin Dopart) Senate Republicans try to scuttle Hagel nomination When senators (for reasons vague)'ll All whine, filibuster, finagle To try to deny Their own party's guy, That's a half-witted scheme to chuck Hagel. (Danielle Nowlin) Woman charged with fatally shooting, stabbing, slashing boyfriend There was a young woman named Arias whose sex life was somewhat nefarious. But her man wasn't nice, So she bumped him off thrice. Now her future is highly precarious. (Nanci Johnson, Manassas, Va., whose only previous ink was for Week 313, 1999) Man charged with beating relative with burrito First you take a tortilla and slap in Some cheese, then put other cheap crap in; Throw this thing at a kid (One guy recently did), It's assault with a half-deadly wrappin'. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) N.Y. ban on large soft drinks overturned Mayor Bloomberg's a modern-day nanny; His words to the press are so canny, But I say to this scold: "You can kiss and behold Sixteen ounces tacked onto my fanny." (Roy Ashley, Washington) Armstrong finally admits to doping Lance Armstrong? Oh, man, what a phony! No doping? A bunch of baloney! The whoppers he told Were so brazen and bold, I have doubts he's got just one cojone. (Chris Doyle) Thousands of dead pigs found in Chinese river In Shanghai, a mysterious slaughter Means that even a young son or daughter Can obtain full nutrition With great ease in the kitchen: Pork soup flows from the tap just like water. (Seth Tucker) Predicted D.C. snowstorm fizzles "Snowquester" had so much appeal, Our hopes for a big one surreal. But "eight inches or more" Soon became less than four; Now I know how my dates always feel. (Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.) 15,000 crocodiles escape from S. African farm Said the girl, "I'll swim out to those rocks!" So she took off her shoes and her socks. But the rocks-in-disguise Had huge jaws and mean eyes; (.?.?. On the plus side, she gets to wear Crocs.) (Beverley Sharp, vacationing in South Africa) Carnival cruise ship breaks down, systems fail The "fun ships" have lost their allure When they have a disaster du jour. See, we tend to feel frantic (And not so romantic) When up to our ears in manure. (Beverley Sharp Shark migration shuts down Florida beaches When the sharks got me, I feared my murder, see? Then their leader called out, "Guys, don't hurt her! See, This one here's an attorney; So just go on your journey: We owe her professional courtesy." (Nan Reiner, Esq.) And Last: The Style Invitational's 20th anniversary I've spent hours on each witty crack, Been rewarded, in essence, with jack. The Invite turned 20; Times 50, that's plenty Of weeks that I'll never get back. (Brian Cohen) Next week: Har monikers, or Punzi schemes ====================================================================== WEEK 1017, published April 14, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1017: Buy a vowel — ONE vowel By Pat Myers , Published: April 11 *MO. POLS GOOF OFF, OPT TO FORGO WORK* *FBI PINCH! MITT IN ILLICIT 'BIG DIG' GRIFT!* Proto-Loser Elden Carnahan — who maintains a Web site, nrars.org, that keeps track of every blot of ink ever scored by any person in the 20-year history of the Style Invitational — is on the cusp of entrance into the Invite Hall of Fame, with 492 entries and other mentions since he debuted in Week 20, in 1993. Elden gets his 493rd ink with his contest idea this week: Write a "univocalic" newspaper headline — one that uses only one vowel throughout,*as in Elden's examples above. You may use the letter Y as well as your A, E, I, O or U; it would be cooler if you didn't have to, but the Empress is a wee bit apprehensive about how hard this contest is. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the droll game Basket Head, in which some schlemiel puts a plastic basketball hoop on his head and other people toss things at the hoop (not actual basketballs, we hope; you can see what happened to Dennis Rodman after he played this game with the real thing). We've given out a similar item before called Basket Case(pictured here because it's a funnier box) and can vouch that it guarantees excellent photo opportunities. Donated by Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 22; results published May 12 (online May 9). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week.Include "Week 1017" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Still running — deadline Monday night: our famous horse-"breeding" contest: See bit.ly/invite1016 .* *Report from Week 1013, in which we asked for jokes in riddle form that use puns on people's names. We warn you now: They are shamelessly groan-inducing. In fact, hearing them read without the groan afterward would be like hearing a comedy album recorded without an audience. So go ahead. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial* *Q. Is squeaky-voiced smarminess annoying in all adolescent pop stars? A. No, Justin Bieber. /(Natalie Beary, Great Mills, Md., a First Offender, and the 13-year-old daughter of the fourth-place winner)/ *2.* Winner of the Fanny Bank, a jeans-shaped bank that emits a gross noise when you put in a coin: Q. "Hey, Cletus, where can I find out about them Israeli pellet guns?" *A. "BB.net 'n' Yahoo"! /(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)/ *3.* Q. Why is sitting alone in the cold reading 17th-century diaries a highly social activity? *A. Because I'm chilling with my Pepys! /(Mark Richardson, Washington)/ *4. Q. That singer has been a superstar for a long time, but won't audiences eventually get tired of her? *A. Sure — I can't imagine them hanging on Beyoncé another 10 years. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ *Second riddlers: Honorable mentions* Q./"Señor,/ how are you voting in the Florida election? *A. "Yo Marco Rubio."* /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ Q. Why did Dr. Seuss write "The Cat in the Hat"? *A. Some Geisel do anything to amuse children!* /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ Q. What's the best way to win a course of lisping therapy on "The King's Speech Radio Hour"? *A. Colin Firth! /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ Q. On "DWTS," what did Elton John whisper to the "Who's the Boss?" star? *A. "Hold me closer, Tony Danza!" /(John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)/ Q. What did the oddball judge say while giving Abramoff a reading assignment and simultaneously throwing that Boston shortstop out of court? *A. "Hit Thoreau, Jack, and dontcha come back, Nomar!"* /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ Q. Why did the dishonorable knight use the forbidden strength potion? *A. He wanted to keep his Lance Armstrong!* /(Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.)/ Q. Did you hear that the "30 Rock" cast was really sad about ending the series? *A. Yeah, even Alec Baldwin it was over! /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ Q. How did the football fan ask her idol to perform her wedding? *A. "Johnny Unitas!"* /(Mary E. Moore, Gladwyne, Pa.)/ Q. How do you make a critical success of a 2^1 / _2 -hour movie musical starring actors not known for their singing? *A. I couldn't, but Anne Hathaway! /(Danielle Nowlin)/ Q. Does Middle Eastern food give you indigestion? *A. Yes, I feel some serious Tutankhamen! /(Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)/ *Q*. Why did the A-Team women's football squad cut its place kicker after just one game? *A. Mr. T. /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)/ Q. How can you tell an American snowman from a German snowman? *A. American: Top hat / Carrot. German: Helmet / Coal. /(Christopher Lamora)/ Q. Why does the founder of Pennsylvania get a bigger encyclopedia entry than the purchaser of Alaska? *A. Because Penn is mightier than Seward!* /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ Q. "Mr. Afghan President, will you thoroughly investigate your inner circle for graft and corruption right after we give you another $10 billion to prop up your failed government?" *A. "Of Karzai will." /(Ray Lum, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)/ Q. What happened to your car? *A. I was driving in Santa Monica, stopped at a red light, when Lohan behold, this Porsche just crashed into me! * /(Roy Ashley, Washington)/ Q. Why do people forget that Matt Dillon was in "There's Something About Mary"? *A. The director kept the Cameron Diaz! /(Robert Schechter)/ Q. What did the "Gangnam Style" singer say when you asked, "Who's there?" *A. "Psy!" /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ Q. What did the matador say when he received a pair of perfect silk pants from his Chinese tailor? *A. "That's some Ernest Hemingway over there!" /(Neal Starkman, Seattle)/ Q. What did each of the former mayor's three ex-wives regard as her biggest mistake? *A. Marion Barry!* /(Robert Schechter)/ Q. Is the Duchess of Cambridge having an obesity problem? A*. Nah, the Kate Middleton is just baby fat! /(Pie Snelson)/ Q. There's an official in Pakistan whose job is to control cow noise? What's he called? *A. He's the Musharraf!* /(Kevin Dopart)/ Q. What reason did Germans give for electing their chancellor? *A. "It's gonna take a Merkel!"* /(John O'Byrne, Dublin)/ Q. "I say, E.M., how did you get your to wife leave your British estate and book a passage to India with you? *A. "Forster!" /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ Q. Who disrupted the "M*A*S*H" reunion here at TCM headquarters? *A. Jamie Farr, Ted! /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ Q. Why did the Argentine dictator think he needed so many shoes? *A. I can't imagine — last time I saw him, he only had Juan Peron! /(Beverley Sharp)/ Q. What do many of the male cast members of "Girls" have in common? *A. Lena Dunham on-screen! /(Danielle Nowlin)/ Q. What Boston Celtics coach was famous for asking the refs to put more time on the clock? *A. Auerbach!* /(Seth Tucker, Washington)/ Q. What did the Pearl Jam fan say at the concert, even though she was suffering from a head cold? *A. "It doesn't get Eddie Vedder than this!" /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ Q. Remember when the government discovered secret documents had been stolen from Los Alamos? *A. That was Wen Ho Lee hell broke loose! /(Chris Doyle)/ /And last: / Q. When it comes to absolutely terrible puns, how should one predict a winning Loser? *A. With a Chris Doyle ball!* /(John O'Byrne)/ /Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, in which the Empress discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. / *Next week's results: Join Now,* or Try Our Combos!,* our Week 1014 contest to combine parts of two words in a single Washington Post story into a new term. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1018, published April 21, 2013 The Style Invitational Week 1018 Reologisms By Pat Myers, Thursday, April 18, 5:43 AM As you see in this week's results, our perennial Join Now contest produced dozens of clever neologisms with clever, funny definitions. And also dozens of clever neologisms with, well .?.?. . This week: Here are Loser-concocted neologisms from Week 1014 as well as from Week 1000 (in which you had to change a real T-through-Z word by one letter) that deserve better definitions than their creators offered at the time. Write a clever, funny definition for any of them. You may add a hyphen and capitalization if you like, wherever you like. We're bound to get a lot of entries with the same general idea, so your funny writing will be key. Using the word in a funny sentence helps. (That would be a funny sentence.) The neologisms: Agreeorist • Appology • Banxiety • Bleedership • Demonomics • Dollege • Dreamergency • Dysfuncarian • Farticle • Fedative • Fedulation • Flushitational • Foxic waste • Frankenbobble • Geriair • Gubermensch • Hex-Mex • Hootsuit • Humgram • Hypatitis • Investicide • Kleptobysmal • Neuternet • Obviass • Pinhibition • Scabinet • Smartyr • Snafood • Tattool • Testosteroni • Todderance • Troglodate • Vermine • Voldemart • Wartergate • Wastington • Whombat • Wikimpedia • Wunderithm • Yaho • Zealouse • Zomba Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the fine 100 percent cotton tribute, pictured at left, to the lush, hilly attractions of the Cornhusker State. Donated by 83-time Loser Dudley Thompson. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 29; results published May 19 (online May 16). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1018" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Brad Alexander.; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Danielle Nowlin. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. Report from Week 1014, in which we asked you to combine the beginnings and/or ends of two words in a single Washington Post article and define the result: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Ping-Pyong: A high-stakes game in which two countries smack threats back and forth with lobs, spin and backhand shots. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) 2. Winner of the two crudely named hand sanitizers (this one and this one): Cypr-security: Odd form of national protection in which the government breaks into your bank account. (Kyle Hendrickson, Urbana, Md.) 3. Bubburb: A trailer park. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) 4. DOMAtose: Entirely out of touch with the rest of the world. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Weld-defined: honorable mentions Yogling: Stop looking up in downward-facing dog, Mister! (Deborah Wagner, Brookeville, Md., a First Offender) Abdicament: When your six-pack turns into a keg. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Invisylvania: To a House member, anyplace outside the home district. (Michael Gaffney, Bethesda, Md.) Moneymoon: The two-minute interval just after you win the lottery, but before your relatives call. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) Ghostscape: Google+, the antisocial network. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Rantosophy: The principle holding that the more questionable the viewpoint, the higher the volume of its adherents. (Jeff Hazle) Pompisserie: A bathroom at Versailles. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) Bipartistan: Mythical country where leaders work together for the common good. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Cramnesia: Drawing a blank during a final exam after pulling an all-nighter. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Multimudgeonly: Cranky about everything! (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) Niplomacy:The art of maintaining eye contact with a woman in a sheer blouse. (Chris Doyle) McAka: One of those dark-looking workers at fast-food restaurants. — G. Allen, Richmond (Mike Gips) Sluggage: Bags that arrive two days after you do. (Chris Doyle) Lobsteer: A genetically engineered surf 'n' turf dish. (Chris Doyle) Domestick: A parasite found stuck to the sofa. (Jeff Brechlin) Disgrumpled: Bent out of shape. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Turbryo: A fetus that never stops kicking. (Edmund Conti) Sequecide: Killing your chances for reelection. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) Flosscross: The stringiest of string bikinis. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Gyroscones: Finally, they designed toast that always lands butter side up. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Fezenda: A tassel. "Wow, Trixie sure can twirl those fezendas during her dance!" (Syd McPherson, Woodbridge, Va., a First Offender) Cesspull: The tug-of-war contest that's the highlight of Visitors Day at Blue Plains Treatment Plant. (Syd McPherson) Ye-mail: Olden form of communication involving paper products and "postage." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Rageweeds: Those plants that produce all this ?@#$%^&*+ pollen!!! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Flowhow: What Mom explains to her 10-year-old daughter. (Tom Buckley, Centreville, Va.) Offendix: The part of the body that does nothing but take umbrage and registers slights; prone to inflammation and, for many people, better removed. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) NEA-culpa: The new motto of Wisconsin as Gov. Scott Walker forces teachers unions to take the blame for everything that's wrong with America. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) Mammosaur: A retired Hooters waitress. (David Garratt) Preg-nup: An "agreement" often reached at the point of a shotgun. (Mark Raffman) Merch-mosphere: That section of the cable bandwidth containing the five channels from QVC to HSN (James Pierce, Charlottesville, Va.) Liblash: A painful condition that occurs when left-leaning people are stuck watching Fox News in the auto service waiting room. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Humoroids: A malady resulting from repeated strained attempts to be funny. (Jeff Brechlin) And Last: Attabroad: Inadvisable compliment to the contest judge upon getting ink. (Ray Lum, Arlington, Va.) Next week's results: Faux Re Mi, or Time to Fake the Music NOT EVERYTHING IS FLAT IN NEBRASKA Omaha-Ha: This week's second prize showcases the topography of Nebraska, or Nebraskans. ====================================================================== WEEK 1019, published April 28, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1019: What a turnoff! By Pat Myers , Published: April 25 *29. Make pizza dough from scratch utilizing only three ingredients: flour, water and old USB cables.* *7. Instead of relying on Photoshop to digitally remove the wrinkles from your grandfather's face, use clothespins and duct tape.* *24. Bake cookies cut in the shape of every U.S. state — so you can pretend that Colorado is an iPad and Wyoming is a Kindle.* Monday marks the start of what used to be known as TV Turnoff Week and now, in this multi-platform age, is called Screen-Free Week: The idea, of course, is that families set aside their various electronic crutches for seven days and look up momentarily at the world around them, as well as reacquaint themselves with proto-tablet technology. To the latter end, our very own Bob Staake has just produced what everyone is calling his finest children's picture book yet: the wordless "Bluebird," a lovely rumination on bullying, loneliness and the redeeming power of friendship. (Yes, we're talking about the same person who regularly defaces this page with cartoons ofbanana-nosed cretins, horses with backward legs, and unclothed hot babes .) Bob, who lives on Cape Cod, will visit Washington's Politics and Prose bookstore on Tuesday at 10:30 a.m. , along with three other authors, to promote "Bluebird" and Screen-Free Week in general. Before he started the book tour, the Huffington Post's parenting blog asked Bob for some activities that families could do without a screen. He helpfully complied with a list of 31 ideas — including the examples above — that might or might not have been what the bloggers had in mind. This week: Tell us some other creative things that children and families could do during Screen-Free Week.* Do remember that the Style Invitational is a humor contest. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fine, many-inch-long perfectly edible gummy rat, in an appetizing grayish-black. Never used! Donated by Loser Melissa Yorks. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 6; results published May 26 (online May 23). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1019" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Howard Walderman. . Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev .;/see the Ink of the Day, a sampling of jokes from the archives, at bit.ly/inkofday . *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our "reologism" contest to outdo the Losers' own definitions for words they made up. See bit.ly/invite1018 . *Report from Week 1015 , in which we asked for fictoids — totally bogus trivia — about music and the music world: *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial* Van Morrison wrote "Brown Eyed Girl" about his then-girlfriend Elizabeth Taylor. They broke up shortly thereafter./(Paul Kondis, Alexandria, Va.)/ *2.* Winner of the box of fish floss crackers:* On her European tour, Ke$ha has agreed to perform under the name K"‚¬sha. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ *3. In the fade-out of the Archies' "Sugar, Sugar," you can clearly hear the phrase "I buried Jughead." /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ *4. It's a myth that they showed Elvis only from the waist up on "The Ed Sullivan Show" because of his suggestive dancing; actually, his fly was open. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.;Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / *Johnny won-nots: honorable mentions* "Pompatus" is the Latin word for "festering disease."/(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ Johannes Brahms suffered from chronic insomnia. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ If you play "I Am the Walrus" backward, you can clearly hear John Lennon saying, "Hey, mate, the bloody thing goes the other way round." /(Dan O'Day, Alexandria)/ Joni Mitchell's tax records reveal investments in a Hawaiian parking lot firm. /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ Bob Marley died of glaucoma. /(Kevin D'Eustachio, Beltsville, Md.)/ Styx was named for the part of Kentucky where the band members were born and raised. (/Jeff Wadler, Ocean Pines, Md.)/ In 1952, the Victor Recording Co. made John Cage shorten his composition "12ʹ55ʺ" so it would fit on a single 78-rpm side. /(Steve Edw. Friedman, Washington, a First Offender)/ Jimmy Page and Robert Plant had considered naming their band Molybdenum Zeppelin, but they didn't know how to spell it. /(Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.)/ "Carmina Burana" is Latin for "sports commercials." /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ When "I Shot the Sheriff" was released as a 45-rpm single, a small but humorous typo in the title made it an instant collector's item. /(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)/ Mama Cass's real name was Anita Heimlich. /(Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.)/ Upon reaching puberty, children release pheromones that interfere with their parents' ability to enjoy music they do not already know. (/Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia)/ Eager to ride the tide of the mid-'60s "British Invasion," some American acts took to coloring their teeth beige. /(Brendan Beary)/ The Fender Telecaster custom-made for Gene Simmons replaces the guitar's usual F-hole with an A-hole. /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)/ The Tuareg nomads of North Africa sing a version of "Happy Birthday" that can be roughly translated: "Have a nice day, and may you avoid stepping in fresh camel poop." /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ The world premiere of Verdi's "Aida" ended in tragedy when the lead soprano accidentally crushed an elephant to death. /(Madeleine Begun Kane, New York)/ The lyrics to "We Will Rock You" originally appeared in Shirley Jackson's short story"The Lottery." /(Carroll Reed, Centreville, Va.)/ Chubby Checker has a chiropractic degree. /(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.)/ After the plane crash on "the day the music died," NTSB inspectors said the accident could have been averted with a small or medium Bopper. /(Brendan Beary)/ "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" is a coded reference to a secret military alliance involving Liechtenstein, Suriname and Delaware. /(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)/ In Greece, the leather case of a bouzouki traditionally includes a mini comic strip and a dumb joke. /(Christopher Lamora) / One of today's superstars got the money to pursue her dream when she won a bingo jackpot in the little Dominican church in her neighborhood. She decided to take her stage name from the winning bingo call: B-11 — said in Spanish, of course. /(David Swerdloff, Washington)/ Mambos Nos. 1-4 also stank ./(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ Around the house, Johnny Cash liked wearing pastels and paisleys. /(Roy Ashley, Washington; Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)/ Will.i.am is deathly allergic to legumes. /(James Kruger, Butha-Buthe, Lesotho)/ Bob Dylan keeps the answer key to all the questions raised in "Blowin' in the Wind" in his sock drawer. /(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)/ Alice Cooper's real name is Sally Cooper. /(Rob Huffman)/ All the singing on the original Alvin and the Chipmunks album was performed by three Lollipop Guild actors from "The Wizard of Oz." /(Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)/ Beyonce did not merely lip-sync "The Star-Spangled Banner" during the inauguration; she also had her image holographically projected onto the stage from her villa in Tuscany. /(Robert Schechter)/ "Boogie," "jazz" and "rock-and-roll" were all originally slang terms for nose-picking. /(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)/ In the video for "Hips Don't Lie," Shakira's hips tap out Morse code for "my hips actually lie." /(Sara Page Podolsky, Karmiel, Israel, a First Offender)/ In their early days in Detroit, the Spinners played bar mitzvahs under the name the Dreidels. /(David Leveton, Gainesville, Va., a First Offender) / Since Jimi Hendrix performed his iconic guitar version of "The Star-Spangled Banner" at Woodstock, no one in Bethel, N.Y., has ever seen a single cat. /(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)/ For the past 35 years, the SPCA has regretted turning down the Village People's offer to make them the world's most musically iconic charity. /(James Pierce, Charlottesville, Va.)/ The kazoo derives its name from the Polish word /karzhu,/ meaning "love whistle." /(Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.)/ At one time, Madonna was actually like a virgin. /(William C. Kennard, Arlington, Va.)/ The Lone Ranger's real name was William Tell . /(Beverley Sharp)/ John Philip Sousa was composing "The New Orleans Times-Picayune March" when his contract fell through. Fortunately another sponsor stepped in. /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ Sousa's "Washington Post March" used to have several additional sections. And better proofreading. /(Brendan Beary) / The bathroom is actually on the left. /(Cheryl Davis, Arlington, Va.) / /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational, (posted late Thursday afternoon), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. / *Next week's results: Foaling around,* or Whinny-ha-ha,* our annual contest to "breed" two horses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races and name their foal. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1020, published May 5, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1020: Rerun for the roses: use winning 'foals' to make 'grandfoals' By Pat Myers , Thursday, May 2, 12:33 PM To the utter astonishment of absolutely no one, our 19th annual contest to "breed" the names of two Triple Crown-nominated horses and name the "foal" once again drew many thousands of entries, including hundreds of clever ones, of which several dozen get ink here. (If you are certain that your own un-inking entry was superior to those appearing today, rest assured that the Empress omitted it only because she doesn't like that irritating smirk of yours.) And once again, as we've been doing for a decade, we invite you back into the breeding shed: This week: "Breed" any two of this week's winning foals and name the "grandfoal."* As always, the name may not exceed 18 characters including punctuation and spaces. In some past years, we let you breed a foal with another parent, but I think this year's younger generation gives us enough to work with. Be sure to spell those horses correctly in your entry, or else it might be overlooked as I search for each name electronically. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the so-appropriate ceramic mug pictured at left (though "Mug a loser" would have been a better line). Donated by the huggable Loser Marleen May. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 13; results published June 2 (online May 30). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1020" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp, as is the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Still running — deadline is Monday night — is our contest about what to do during Screen-Free Week. See bit.ly/invite1019 .* *Report from Week 1016, this year's installment of our perennial contest in which we post a list of 100 horses eligible for this year's Triple Crown races and ask you to "breed" them and name the "foal." Among the more than 400 entrants — each sending up to 25 entries apiece — several people bred Amerigo Vespucci with Will Take Charge to produce Discover Card; Caviar Dreams with War Academy to make Sturgeon General; and Hear the Ghost with Hard to Name for the foal Boo Who. Hard to Name was also bred with My Name Is Michael to produce various horses named That Ain't So Hard, Problem Solved, etc. — several of them from people named Michael. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial* The Candidate x Normandy Invasion = Am Fibbyous /(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)/ *2.* /Winner of the book "Political Babble: The 1,000 Dumbest Things Ever Said by Politicians":/ Perfect Set x Departing = Ta-ta! /(Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)/ *3.* Triple Cross x Goldencents = Deceit o'the Pence /(Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)/ *4. Mineworks x Now and Then = I'm Turning 50 /(Andrew Ballard, London; Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ *Unstable mates: honorable mentions* Revolutionary x Power Broker = Che P. Morgan /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ Abraham x Beholder = Abie Sees/(May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.)/ Abraham x Uncaptured = Missing Linc /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)/ Unlimited Budget x Amerigo Vespucci = Afford Explorer /(Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) / Black Onyx x Dreaming of Julia = Rock 'n' Raul /(Joe Dziublenski, Cedar Grove, N.J., a First Offender) / Power Broker x Bench Press = ElevatingDumbbells /(Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.)/ Amerigo Vespucci x Orb = Amerigo-Round /(Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) / Always Curious x Little Distorted = I Askew Again /(Jan Brandstetter, Mechanicsville, Md.) / Transparent x Are You Kidding Me = Sheerly You Jest /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / Verrazano x Back Off Buddy = Staten Inhibitor /(Roy Ashley, Washington) / Bench Press x Beholder = Weight and See /(Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.; Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / Glowing Ember x Best Play = Burning Sensation /(Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) / Carving x Mudflats = Muck the Knife /(Steve Honley, Washington) / Caviar Dreams x Normandy Invasion = Roe Roe Roe U-Boat /(Gary Lefkowitz, Springfield, Va.; Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) / Perfect Set x Carving = Cleavage /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / Perfect Set x Curly Top = Two and 'Fro /(Laurie Brink) / Know More x Declassify = I've Got News FOIA /(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) / Departing x Liberal Spin = MSNBC Ya /(Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.; Steve Honley) / Texas Bling x Departing = Ex's Bling /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ Goldencents x Departing = A Penny Urned /(Ras-I Ehl, Bear, Del., a First Offender) / War Academy x Distiller = West Pint /(Lisa Henderson, Chevy Chase, Md., a First Offender)/ War Academy x Unlimited Budget = Waste Point /(Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.)/ War Academy x Really Sharp = West Pointy /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ Standup Paddle x Really Sharp = Raise Oar Blade /(Trent Galbraith, Halifax, Nova Scotia, a First Offender) / Distiller x Hard to Name = Mountain Doohickey /(Dudley Thompson) / Malibu High x Overanalyze = Big Bong Theory /(C.W. Johnson, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) / Distiller x Undrafted = Ferment& Deferment /(Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) / Palace Malice x Distiller = MaryQueenOfScotch /(Rick Haynes) / Hear the Ghost x Fear the Kitten = Mrs. Mewer /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) / Now and Then x Python = Intermittent Viper /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / Giant Finish x Persuasive Paul = Rand Finale/(Chris Doyle) / Transparent x Glowing Ember = Pane in the Ash /(Larry Gray) / Song to You x Normandy Invasion = Those Were D-Days /(Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) / Hard to Name x Normandy Invasion = B-Day? C-Day? /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) / The Candidate x Hear the Ghost = Political Seance /(Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) / Texas Bling x He's Had Enough = RememberTheAlimony /(William Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio) / Tiz a Minister x Unlimited Budget = Collared Green /(Eric Kephart, Herndon, Va., a First Offender) / Java's War x Weewinnin = Bladder Losin/(John Kustka, Prince Frederick, Md.) / Way Best x Java's War = Summa Cum Latte /(Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) / Kid Twist x Silent Admirer = Storquer /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / Leaving Trax x Revolutionary = Needle Marx /(Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.) / Caviar Dreams x Liberal Spin = Hors D'ervish /(Dudley Thompson) / Normandy Invasion x Transparent = I See France /(Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring) / Orb x Uncaptured = Round Yon Virgin /(Steve Price, New York)/ Online Poker x Taken by the Storm = Ante Em! /(J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) / Online Poker x Unlimited Budget = Unlimited Losses /(Michael Sikorski, Rockville, Md.)/ Online Poker x The Candidate = Weiner Returns/(Mark Eckenwiler) / Power Broker x Orb = Chris Christie /(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) / Persuasive Paul x Third Choice = Rand, Ron or Ru? /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) / Triple Cross x Silent Admirer = Calvary Coolidge /(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) / Verrazano x Little Distorted = Abridged /(Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md.) / Mylute x Onlinepoker = Plucked Clean /(Joy Sibley, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)/ Mylute x The Candidate = Baroque Obama/(Kathy Hardis Fraeman) / Dreaming of Julia x Mr Palmer = Harry Palmer /(Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia)/ Weewinnin x Goldencents = Urine the Money /(Jeff Contompasis)/ Incognito x Java's War = Secret Asian Man /(Laurie Brink) / Kid Twist x Undrafted = Artful Dodger /(Janet Griffin, Tampa, a First Offender)/ Just Win Baby x Overanalyze = Run for Neuroses /(Mark Eckenwiler) / Texas Bling x Caviar Dreams = Austintatious /(Dudley Thompson; Chris Doyle) / Online Poker x Just Win Baby = Or Just Adopt /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) / Perfect Set x Segovia = Ursula Andres /(Mark Eckenwiler) / Uncaptured x Looking Cool = Free Brrr /(Laurie Brink) / Texas Bling x Fear the Kitten = Diamond Ringworm /(Erika Hoffeld, Silver Spring, Md.) / Looking Cool x Song to You = Smooth Operetta /(Malcolm Fleschner) / My Name Is Michael x Purple Egg = Sam I Ain't /(Mike Gips)/ /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (posted late Thursday afternoon), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. / *Next week's results: Vowel Play,* or Same O, Same O,* our Week 1017 contest to write a newspaper headline in which only one vowel is used throughout. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1021, published May 12, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1021: Nice sets of racks — ScrabbleGram neologisms By Pat Myers , Updated: Thursday, May 9, 1:33 PM IOUSBLT *Subtoil:* Busywork that schoolkids have to do when their teacher's out sick. *Biolust:* An unhealthy passion for microbes. *Slutbio:* That clearly fabricated list of naughty interests and turn-ons next to the centerfold. One of the most obsessive Losers of recent Invitational vintage is Jeff Contompasis, who lives in the outer suburbs and spends a lot of time on public transportation. And for the few moments he's not working on Invite entries, he likes to play the syndicated ScrabbleGrams game that appears daily in The Post's comics pages. Each ScrabbleGrams puzzle contains four sets of seven letters, and the object of the game is to form the highest-scoring (in Scrabble value) word for each set. Jeff's a regular in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook, in which the Devotees greet each new member with as many outrageous anagrams of the newbie's name as they can muster. And he's so facile at rearranging letters that in ScrabbleGrams, he often comes up with nifty alternatives to the actual six- or seven-letter words intended, as in his solutions for the seven letters above (actual word in mind: "sublot"). For quite a while, Jeff's been imploring the Empress to do a ScrabbleGram neologism contest, going so far as to buy a book with hundreds of letter sets. So we'll give it a try — using some of the combinations from "The Big Book of ScrabbleGrams" as well as old Post puzzles — because we are so fond of Jeff's Invite-geekitude: This week: Come up with a term by scrambling any of the letter sets in the list at the bottom of this column, and define it, *as in the examples above. Unlike with most of our neologism contests, the word doesn't have to be a brand-new term; you may also find an existing word and supply a novel, humorous definition for it. There's no minimum word length, and we're not playing for Scrabble points; the letters won't have any point values. As usual, we're looking for funny. As usual, don't send more than 25 entries this week. If you don't include the letter set with your entry, in the letter order we supply here, we won't look at it.* Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the decidedly odd little photo book "Off the Wall: Fashion From East Germany, 1964-1980." You'll be treated to women posing in red palazzo pants in Red Square, as well as leisure suits that are the fashion equivalent of the Trabant putt-putt cars featured in the last spread. Donated by Loser Pie Snelson. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 20; results published June 9 (online June 6). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1021" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Brendan Beary; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our "grandfoals" contest. See bit.ly/invitewk1020 .* *Report from Week 1017, in which we asked for "univocalic" headlines — either for real events or made-up ones — that included only one of the vowels A, E, I, O or U.(Just to ensure enough good stuff, we allowed the headlines to also include Y.) *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial* Dimwit: 'I'll Hit Mississippi's Hill Bigwig With Ricin, Inflicting Ill!' FBI: WHICH Dimwit? /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria)/ *2.* Winner of the Basket Head basketball-hoop-on-head game: *Self-Centered, Feckless Celeb Reese Regresses, Repents, Ends Demented Beer Benders (She'd Better — Sheesh! The Nerve!) /(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)/ *3.* Ex-Veep Cheney Gets Wet, Melts /(Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.)/ *4.* Doctors Botch Colonoscopy, Now Look for Lost Blowtorch /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ *Good tho not, y'know, wow:* *honorable mentions* Barack's Lass Sasha Rants, "Arrgh! Can't Stand Dad's 'Dad Pants'!" /(Dan O'Day, Alexandria) / Mass. SWAT Nabs Track-Day A-Hat at Small Yacht /(Kevin d'Eustachio, Beltsville, whose name includes all five vowels)/ 1865: Mary L. Says Play 'Wasn't That Bad'/(Mark Raffman, R'st'n)/ 'Dang!' Drawls Alabama Gal as Crawdad Grabs Grandma /(Laurie Morrison, Rockville, a First Offender)/ Mitt, Big Bird Kiss, Fix Rift/(Brendan Beary, Great Mills) / 'DWTS' Scandal! Chaz, Marc Bachmann Samba at Gay Bash, Swap Bras! /(Al Salas, Washington, a First Offender) / Miss Piggy Hits Skids, Living in Sty /(Frank Osen) / N. Kor. Loco Moron Moons World /(Hugh Pullen, Vienna)/ NRA Stand — Arm All: Crank, Madman, Adam Lanza — Charms Satan /(William J. Collinge, Gettysburg, Pa.)/ 'A Lass, Alas:' A Trans's Dad's Rants Gall Lambda /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)/ Tom vows to hold Joy? OK. John to hold Bob? DC: OK. OK: Not OK. /(Noah Meyerson, Washington)/ Rand: Barack's 'Tax-Happy'! Barack: Rand's 'Bananas,' 'Dad's Pawn'/(Michael Simon, Potomac)/ Hong Kong Chow Chow: Dog Food or Food-Dog? /(Doug Hamilton, College Park)/ Ellen DeGeneres Weds Derek Jeter: "WTF?" Tweets Peeved Ex-GF Heche /(Richard Liebmann-Smith, New York)/ N.Y.C. Bigwig: Nixing Big Drinks Will Shrink Blimps /(Mark Raffman) / TP Boycott Boosts Worth of Post's Stock /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ BFF Tells Celeb's Secret: 'Helen Keller Peeked!' /(Konrad Schwoerke, Chapel Hill, N.C.) / Wiz Win Big!!! (Kidding.)/(Steve Goldsmith, Springfield)/ Boston horror. CNN scoop!? Oh. Wrong. Oops. /(Nan Reiner) / Drunk Pulls Dumb Stunt — Puts Gun Up Butt, Hurls Slugs (/Liza Recto, Lexington Park, Md.)/ Karl Marx Had Vast Cayman Bank Stash! /(Brendan Beary)/ Ellen DeGeneres Tells GQ: Her Gender Preference? Spermless -- 'The Fewer Testes the Better' /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond)/ Ayn Rand Fans Aghast, Call Hallmark's 'Atlas' 'Schmaltzy Crap'; A. Hathaway Cast as "Sassy Lass" Dagny Taggart/(Denise Sudell, Cheverly)/ DA Says Baby Was 'Flagrantly Fragrant' /(Lee Ballard, Mars Hill, N.C.)/ "We Deserve the Dweeb -- Reelect Me," Ex-Rep. Tweeter Tweets /(Ellen Ryan, Rockville)/ Bad Xmas! Santa's Anagram, Satan, Nabs All Bags /(Ann Martin, Bracknell, England) / Man's Hand Awkwardly Grabs Lady Gaga's Sham Mammary at Grammy Awards Bacchanal /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ Mitt's Witticism: 'I Win, Since I'm Still Rich' /(Robert Schechter)/ Empress 'Expected Better Jests,' Gets 'Senseless Excrement' /(Robert Schechter)/ Jester Schechter: When He Enters, the Rest Get Less Press/(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)/ Week Ten-Seventeen: Mr. Glenn Enters, Excels, Empress Decrees; The Rest? Sheer Dreck. /(John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)/ Dimwit's Winning Trick Is Fitting This Big Thing in SI's Hit List /(Trent Galbraith, Enfield, Nova Scotia)/ LOSYRS X-PLOYT 'Y' ROOLYNG & OTHYR CH"‚¬P TRYCKS TO WYN /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)/ /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (posted late Thursday afternoon), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. / *Next week's results: Reologisms,* or Warmed Oeuvre, our Week 1018 contest to write a funny definition for any of 41 Loser-penned neologisms. *What can you make out of these? The ScrabbleGram sets for Week 1021* AAELRBR AAEUTNP AAIOSRV AALTSMP AAOYBLP AAYTHSS AEECDFG AEEUSRF AEGHLRD AEIOGWT AEIURPB AEKMRBT AEOLPNW AEOOHLM AEOVFRL AEUUTRB AEUZNRB AIDLMSD AIIUDQL AILNBRT AIOADRF AIOCFGS AIONNKP AIOYFDM AIUKQSW AIUYSMD AIYNHLM AOCBLGM AOLBWMN AOLDPRL AUETCPN AUFWRGF AUULRFS AUYMSPG AYWKSON EAKLNHS EAUOHCT EEANRWB EEEHTTL EEIFCTG EEILFRH EEIOTTP EEITDCP EEIUWLV EEONNLK EEOTGKN EEOTRPM EEOUDRC EEPLWNH EEUGSCX EEUOGRB EEUXTPM EEYRSWN EILVTNT EITBCTK EITLJNK EIUMLNM EIVLNWS EIYINSW EOOGNLB EOUKLTC EOWTSCB EUITSNH EUUGHMB EUUTNRF EUYCDTP EUYLNRS IAOCLRF IAOHNSV IEISVCC IEMSGXS IIOANTH IOAYTXL IOEWDRG IOUCPBL IOUSBLT IOUYTRG IOYFTHS IUMLLTS IUUKBNM OAYLWHN OAYNETR OEAMGYV OEETMCB OELWTNN OEOWRBR OIYLZTG OOINKLM OUEMNQS OUHTRFD OULRSCC OUOYSJR OUPLMSS UALTMNT UAYBSTB UIALSRW UIAPLKW UIOHGPL UOYPCCL UUANCTM © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1022, published May 19, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1022: Nothing's beyond compare; and a do-oeuvre of neologisms By Pat Myers , Published: May 16 *Cicadas vs. the Rolling Stones: While they both regularly come out of hibernation, the cicadas are noisier. "—Michelle's bangs "—A Ferrari Gran Turismo "—A 23-year-old Geo Prizm "—Grumpy Cat "—Cicadas "—The Dowager Countess "—The new "Great Gatsby" "— Eggplant parmigiana "—The Rolling Stones "—A house-size sinkhole "—An overactive bladder "—A vacation in Pyongyang "—A solar-powered butter churn "—A rash in the shape of Lake Huron "—The National Zucchini Fair "—A giant whoopee cushion It's our perennial contest — one we hadn't done in a year — in which we supply a random list of items, and you explain how any two of them are alike or different. And it really is a random list: The Empress came up with a few (including the Prizm, the wheels of choice of her mother-in-law), and called upon the Loser Community to shout out suggestions (such as the bladder) on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a giant whoopee cushion — deflated, it's the size of a jumbo pizza — that makes a commensurate noise. Modeled here by the far-from-giant posterior of Theresa Kowal, a six-time Loser and an extremely good sport, who volunteered for the photo shoot at last weekend's Flushies, the Losers' annual awards "banquet." Donated by Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, May 28; results published June 16 (online June 13). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1022" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline for the "Next week's contest" results is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ Oops! In last week's results of our contest for "univocalic" headlines — ones that contained only one of the letters A, E, I, O and U throughout — we let an illegal one slip silently in, so to speak: "Mitt's Witticism: 'I Win, Since I'm Still Rich' " didn't have just I's in it; even after the mistake was pointed out, the Empress had to read it twice to find the disqualifying letter. *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our contest to make new words from sets of ScrabbleGrams letters. See bit.ly/invite1021. *Report from Week 1018, in which we gave you a list of nifty-sounding words coined by contestants in previous neologism contests, and asked you to supply funnier definitions than their authors had sent in. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial * *Troglodate:* When he asks if you like clubbing, get the details first. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / *2.* /*Winner of the "Not Everything Is Flat in Nebraska" T-shirt:* / *Neuternet:* It's best accessed with the EUNUCHS operating system. /(Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii)/ *3.* Voldemart: Wal-Mart rebrands for a more positive image./(Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.)/ *4. Whombat:* A grammarsupial that's rapidly going extinct. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / *Ignoble salvages: honorable mentions* *Troglodate:* His "man cave" is a man cave./(Thomas Calhoun, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) / *Bleedership:* The ability to wring the last drop out of your employees. /(Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.)/ *Snafood:* What happens when your waiter insists on "memorizing" six meal orders at your table./(Tom Panther, Springfield, Va.) / *Testosteroni:* Pasta eaten over the kitchen sink and washed down with beer. /(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) / *Testosteroni:* The new side-dish mix from the makers of Manwich. /(Sally Stokes, Silver Spring, Md., who got her only previous ink 13 years ago) / *Testosteroni:* The specialty topping at that new pizza place, Papa Johnson's. /(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)/ *Smartyr:* One who conspicuously /doesn't/ say, "I told you so," having perfected the skills of eye-rolling and the irritated sigh. /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)/ *Appology:* What Lee offered Grant after their four-year misunderstanding. /(Rob Huffman) / *Scabinet:* A Republican president's pool of potential nominees for labor secretary. /(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) / *Foxic waste:* The dramatic physical decline of a once-attractive person. "Did you see that picture of Val Kilmer in the National Enquirer? What a foxic waste!" /(Dan O'Day, Alexandria, Va.)/ *Fedative: Powerful sleep aid manufactured in Washington. "Stop tossing and turning and reach for the Federal Register — now formulated with actuarial tables and 10-year budgetary scoring horizons!"/(Michael Reinemer, Annandale, Va.) / *Dreamergency:* Trying to spend just /one more minute/ with Beyonce before you wake up. /(Rob Huffman)/ *Dreamergency:* To an ambulance chaser, it's a two-bus crash. /(Dixon Wragg)/ *Farticle:* What you get when journalists talk out of their other end. "Did you see that farticle in the Drudge Report?" /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) / *Farticle:* Phenomenon whose origins are rarely accounted for; generally thought tied to dark matter. /(Will Murtha, Washington, a First Offender)/ *Farticle:* The elementary building block of a puon. /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)/ *Humgram:* Type of telegram offered by your mama. And your mama's mama./(Dixon Wragg)/ *Humgram:* A voice message in which mumbles are substituted for embarrassing words: "Ms. Smith, your husband was found at the mmm with a hmmn, several ummms and a hmhm, and you can pick him up at the station." /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ *Investicide:* Making a killing in the market — your own./(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / *Investicide:* "Hmm, this e-mail says owl pellet coffee is the next big thing . . ." /(Martin Bancroft, Issaquah, Wash.) / *Dollege:* "Dear Parent: Now that you've acquired Felicity, Addie or Samantha, it's time for your family to start planning her dollege experience! You'll be happy to learn that American Girl has counselors and financing plans available . . ." /(Frank Osen)/ *Dollege:* Barbie's latest play set comes complete with a sock for its dorm room doorknob, beer bong and morning-after pills./(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ *Whombat:* Abbott and Costello's DH./(Pam Sweeney)/ *Zomba:* Aerobics for the post-aerobic. /(Rob Huffman)/ *Zomba:* A device that randomly wanders the floor looking for brains. The one they use on the Senate floor has been wandering for quite some time. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ *Obviass:* Any posterior that is face-level on an escalator. /(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)/ *Tattool:* A celebrity's name engraved on an intimate area. "I was going for a Kim Kardashian tattool, but I only had room for a Lil' Kim." /(Frank Osen)/ *Tattool:* Any writing instrument in the hands of a 3-year-old./(Melissa Balmain)/ *Pinhibition:* The practice of looking all around you to see who's nearby before beginning your ATM transaction. /(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)/ *Agreeorist:* An expert witness who is happy to testify for either the prosecution or the defense. /(Chris Doyle)/ *Geriair:* Empty space in the seat of an old person's hitched-up pants. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *Geriair:* If you pull Grandpa's finger, you'll find out exactly what it is. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ *Vermine:* It's rat fur, the new guilt-free fashion trend. /(Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)/ /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (posted late Thursday afternoon), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. / *Next week's results: What a Turnoff,* or Laughed to Their Own Devices, * our Week 1019 contest for what to do during Screen-Free Week. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1023, published May 26, 2013 Week 1023: T minus 5-7-5 — Haiku for Mars (Invite-style) *We are smart and dumb. We invent cellphones, then drop Them in the toilet.* * *In an effort to keep us interested in a program that no longer has a moon-mission program or even any rockets to send astronauts into space, NASA has invited the public to send a poem to Mars. The agency plans to send up a DVD containing three contest-winning haiku on the new MAVEN spacecraft that's scheduled to head for the Martian atmosphere in November (not sure if the Little Green Folks have Blu-Ray yet). And we figured that we wouldn't be stepping on NASA's moon boots if we hitched a ride on this contest, since you /know/ that what we'll pick doesn't have a chance in the universe of being sent into space. *This week: Write one or more humorous haiku that will greet the Martians or share a little nugget of what life is like on Earth, as in the example above by Pulitzer Prize-winning Toilet Haiku Poet Gene Weingarten. NASA totally omits mention of what it means by haiku, but we will use the broadest possible definition, sure to infuriate the poetry-lovers who are already seething at the very phrase "humorous haiku": Five syllables on the first line. Seven syllables on the second line. Five syllables on the third line. Breaking a word over two lines doesn't tend to be very clever. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a greenish bottle in the shape of a man's torso (he is wearing a glass Speedo) that is filled with a swirl of green and white sand. You know, because. We're pretty sure that this fine sculpture was made on Mars, but it was donated by Loser Nan Reiner, who lives on Earth, or at least Alexandria. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 3; results published June 23 (online June 20). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1023" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line was suggested by both Tom Witte and Stephen Dudzik. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Report from Week 1019, in which we asked for ideas for what to do during Screen-Free Week, in which people were encouraged to put away their electronic devices — ones with screens, anyway. Remarkably, the Empress received only one entry via snail mail, from Dave Prevar of Annapolis. No ink for Dave, because the E couldn't figure out how to open an envelope. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial* Turn your head sideways and smile to show people when you're joking. /(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) / *2.* Winner of the edible six-inch gummi rat: Invent a non-electronic version of Words With Friends that you can play with your family. /(Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia)/ *3.* Instead of the kids playing Angry Birds on the iPad, have Grandpa teach them how to shoot real birds with a BB gun like he did when he was their age. /(Keith Waites, Frederick, Md.)/ *4.* Actually laugh out loud. /(Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand; Art Grinath)/ *Electronix: honorable mentions* Get a Sharpie and collaboratively edit and update the encyclopedia at your local library. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ Take turns calling up people you barely know and tell them what you had for breakfast. /(Neal Starkman, Seattle) / Call it "The Hunger Game": Give the kids a corded phone and the number to the local pizza place. First one to figure out what a phone jack is gets to eat. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ Buy enough copies of your local newspaper that you can cut out and send that one interesting article to all your friends. /(Josh Feldblyum)/ Catch four robins, then set up a slingshot just outside a pig farm. /(Ras-I Ehl, Bear, Del.)/ Family members can quiz one another about which number corresponds to a specific Verizon channel. The winner chooses the first show to view as soon as the week is over. /(Larry Carnahan, Arlington, Va.) / Compulsively check your slide rule every five minutes during meetings. /(Kevin Dopart)/ Spend a week bantering with the family, as everyone, even the littlest kid, fires off impossibly witty, culturally allusive repartee that sounds if it were written by Ivy League-educated twenty-somethings. It'll be just like TV!/(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ When you can't remember where you've seen that actor before, fly to Hollywood and ask around. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / Remove the innards from an old electronic device you stopped using this week, disassemble and sort the software inside, and string the 0's into a lovely necklace. /(Dick Barnes, Washington)/ Instead of texting your wife, string two cans together and talk. After all, she's only in the next room. /(William Joyner, Chapel Hill, N.C., whose only other Invite ink came 12 years ago) / Encourage your kids to go outside by reminding them that there are lots of places other than the Internet to get misinformation about sex./(Kevin Dopart)/ If you get lost while driving, there's no need for GPS: Just follow the first pizza delivery car you see back to Domino's. You'll still be lost, but hey, pizza! /(Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.)/ Rediscover the charm of the written word. Like my charming collection of '80s Penthouse Forums. /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) / Ladies, all you need to rekindle (ha ha, just a little Screen-Free Week humor) your marriage is a high stool! Position the stool directly in front of the darkened big-screen TV hanging on hubby's man-cave wall — he will be staring at this spot already, with a dazed expression. He'll note the movement in his field of vision and see you, although a reintroduction may be necessary. ("ESPN has middle-aged women reporters now?") /(Rob Huffman) / Collect dust from the bookshelves, board games and LP racks and make custom stuffed animals. (/Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)/ Buy a price-sticker gun and a roll of stickers. Draw "thumbs up" icons on the stickers. Go around the neighborhood and "like" things. (/Gary Crockett) / Practice driving without talking on a cellphone: Feel the novel sensation of traveling faster than half the posted speed limit, while staying between the lines! /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / Well, today we have soccer practice, hockey practice, language tutoring, SAT prep class, science fair project, fill out Sidwell Friends kindergarten application . . . . /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ Instead of relying on your smartphone to calculate an 18 percent tip, simply take the pre-tax total and divide by 5.55556 in your head. /(Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)/ Finally make that scrapbook of all your family photos: Tape your camera memory card to a sheet of decorative paper. /(Danielle Nowlin) / Try experiencing Third World screen-free challenges, like malaria. /(Kevin Dopart)/ And Last: Mail a letter to your son in Chantilly asking him to FedEx you the Style Invitational contest. When it arrives, compose a few entries on the 1956 Royal Magic Margin typewriter you got for high school graduation in 1961 and kept all these years even though your wife begged you to sell it on eBay. Take your document to Kinko's and fax it to 202-334-4312. Three weeks later, when it's no longer Screen-Free Week, you can check at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational to learn that, once again, you're inkless. /(the almost never inkless Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our contest to compare or contrast any two items from our wacky list. See bit.ly/invite1022 . *Next week's results: Colt Following,* or And . . . They're Offspring! * our eighth annual "grandfoals" contest in which you got to breed any two of the winning and Losing foals "bred" four weeks earlier from a list of Triple Crown-eligible horses. ====================================================================== WEEK 1024, published June 2, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1024: A very Gorey alphabet primer, plus the winning 'grandfoals' By Pat Myers , Thursday, May 30, 3:41 PM Here's an encore of our 2008 homage to the delightfully diabolical "Gashlycrumb Tinies," Edward Gorey's famed spoof on Victorian alphabet primers. Gorey's collection of couplets, which he wrote and illustrated in 1963, evoke a series of children suffered an A-to-Z variety of awful demises; for the Invite's, we're open to a variety of irreverent pairings, like Mae Scanlan's couplet from Week 757 in the example above. Many of that week's inking entries were pulled from the news of 2008; that's one reason we'd like to try it again five years later. This week: Send us some edgy rhyming alphabet-primer couplets. The pairs are AB, CD, EF, GH, IJ, KL, MN, OP, QR, ST, UV, WX and YZ. Feel free to send couplets for all 13 — as usual, you can send 25 entries in all — but there's no way your entries will run as a complete set, so make sure the couplets work on their own. Gorey, by the way, spent the last decades of his life on Cape Cod, also home to our own deliciously warped artist, Bob Staake. Ta-da! We announce an Invite milestone that we hadn't marked since 2009: With his honorable mention last week, Stephen Dudzik of Olney has finally entered the Style Invitational Hall of Fame with his 500th ink, as only the eighth Loser to join the exclusive club (excluded at many fine establishments!). Of this group, the genial aerospace engineer took the longest to get there; his first ink was in Week 7, almost exactly 20 years ago. Through the contest's history, Steve has been a mainstay of Loserdom; not only has he hosted a number of holiday parties over the years, but he actually let several Losers attend his wedding to wife Lequan in 2000. (We presume the champagne was issued to them in sippy cups.) Here Steve poses at this year's Flushies awards with this week's prize: Doody Darts, in which one tosses Velcroed doody-balls at the fabric board. Donated by Loser Nan Reiner, who's currently 385 entries away from the Hall of Fame, but gaining ground awfully quickly. (Right on Steve's heels, however, is Elden Carnahan, another Year 1 veteran, with 495 inks.) Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 10; results published June 30 (online June 27). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1024" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline in the "next week's results line was submitted independently by Kevin Dopart, Chris Doyle and Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. *Report from Week 1020, our annual "grandfoals" contest, in which the names of the winning "foals" in Week 1016 were bred to one another — a pun contest in which most of the names were puns themselves: In a contest featuring horses named Urine the Money and I See France, you can imagine how many times we got "Ur a Peein'." *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial * Round Yon Virgin x Free Brrr = Madonna & Chilled /(Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)/ *2.* /Winner of the "Kiss a winner, hug a loser" mug:/ Roe Roe Roe U-Boat x Run for Neuroses = Shad 'n' Freud /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *3.* Round Yon Virgin x Diamond Ringworm = Anti-Fun Gal /(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) / *4.* B-Day? C-Day? x Intermittent Viper = ED Day /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ *B-getting: honorable mentions* I've Got News FOIA x Urine the Money = Leaking Out for #1 /(Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)/ Needle Marx x Rand, Ron or Ru? = Pain in the R's /(Mae Scanlan, Washington) / Secret Asian Man x I Askew Again = Let It Go, Donald!/(Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.)/ Afford Explorer x Remember the Alimony = Buy a Yugo /(Lisa Henderson, Chevy Chase, Md.) / Abie Sees x West Pint = Abie Negative /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)/ Calvary Coolidge x Abridged = A Few Cross Words /(Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.)/ Burning Sensation x Pane in the Ash = Hot, Cross Buns /(Ron Moretti, Rockville, a First Offender)/ I'm Turning 50 x Am Fibbyous = Toadly 49 /(Kyle Hendrickson, Urbana, Md.)/ Collared Green x Am Fibbyous = Kermit the Fraud /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.)/ Sheerly You Jest x Those Were D-Days = Bad Retort Card /(Jonathan Hardis)/ Pane in the Ash x Ante Em! = Procto & Gamble /(Mark Eckenwiler)/ Artful Dodger x Ante Em! = Oliver Twister/(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / Artful Dodger x Afford Explorer = Sandy Carfax/(Jonathan Hardis)/ Artful Dodger x Deceit o'the Pence = Fagin It /(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)/ Big Bong Theory x Political Seance = Hi, Spirits! /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ Hors D'ervish x Bladder Losin = Whirled Pees /(Bill Smith, Reston, Va.)/ Political Seance x Baroque Obama = Hocus POTUS /(James Pierce, Charlottesville, Va.)/ Bladder Losin x Artful Dodger = I Have to Gauguin/(Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)/ Bladder Losin x Round Yon Virgin = Angel Falls /(Jim Reagan, Herndon, Va.)/ Bladder Losin x Missing Linc = Leakey /(Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.; Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ Bladder Losin x Am Fibbyous = Wet Lies Beneath /(Beverley Sharp)/ Muck the Knife x Ante Em! = Chops and Stakes /(Jeff Contompasis)/ Run for Neuroses x Smooth Operetta = Dilbert & Sullivan /(Lisa Henderson)/ I'm Turning 50 x Bladder Losin = Second Thing to Go /(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)/ Chris Christie x Burning Sensation = Chris Crispy /(Becky Fisher, Madison, Wis.)/ Chris Christie x Smooth Operetta = The Dessert Song /(Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.)/ Ex's Bling x RememberTheAlimony = Shop Till He Drops /(Gina Smith, Germantown, Md.) / Run for Neuroses x Burning Sensation = Jung at Hearth /(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)/ Che P. Morgan x Burning Sensation = Argentingling /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ Plucked Clean x Free Brr = Skynd /(Rob Huffman)/(Elevating Dumbells x Weiner Returns = Peter Principle /(Nan Reiner)/ Hors D'ervish x I See France = Crudite/(Mark Eckenwiler)/ Deceit o'the Pence x I See France = London Britches /(Nancy Israel, Bethesda, Md.)/ MaryQueenOfScotch x Weight and See = Dewar Diet /(Nan Reiner)/ Che P. Morgan x Missing Linc = Viva la Evolución! /(Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii)/ Summa Cum Latte x Mrs. Mewer = FrothingAtTheMouse /(Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) / Plucked Clean x Burning Sensation = Ravi Chancre /(Mark Eckenwiler)/ Rand Finale x Cleavage = Filibustier /(Mark Raffman, Reston)/ Plucked Clean x Burning Sensation = Barenaked Hades /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) / Weiner Returns x Smooth Operetta = PrivatesOfPenance /(Lisa Henderson)/ Smooth Operetta x Bladder Losin = Deflatermaus /(Jonathan Paul)/ Intermittent Viper x Remember TheAlimony = TimingOfTheShrew /(Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md.)/ I'm Turning 50 x Urine the Money = Midlife Croesus /(Larry Gray)/ Rock 'n' Raul x A Penny Urned = Chuck Bury /(Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.)/ Bladder Losin x Secret Asian Man = Pee Ping Tom /(Gina Smith)/ B-Day? C-Day? x Secret Asian Man = Don't Confucius /(Danielle Nowlin) / Political Seance x Weiner Returns = Can't Keep Him Down /(Tonda Phalen, Alexandria, Va.) / Am Fibbyous x Weiner Returns = Pinookieo /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / Cleavage x Weiner Returns = Three Boobs/(Harvey Smith) / Ta-ta! x MSNBC Ya = Left /(Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.)/ Ta-ta! x Free Brrr: Minnesota Twins /(Kyle Hendrickson)/ Urine the Money x Deceit o'the Pence = TrickleDownTheory /(Harvey Smith)/ Smooth Operetta x Amerigo-Round: H.M.S. Spinafore /(Chris Doyle; Tom Witte) / Chris Christie x Weight and See = Lo-Cal Politics /(Mike Peck, Alexandria, Va.) / Those Were D-Days x I'm Turning 50 = I'm Chestfallen /(Nan Reiner)/ Ta-ta! x Unlimited Losses = Rack and Ruin /(Mark Eckenwiler) / *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our Haiku-to-Mars contest. See bit.ly/invite1023 . /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (posted late Thursday afternoon), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. / *Next week's results: Nice Sets of Racks,* or The Tile Invitational, our week 1021 contest, in which we supplied a list of seven-letter "racks" taken from ScrabbleGrams puzzles and asked you to make new words with them. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1025, published June 9, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1025: Are you backronimble? Tell us what words and names 'stand for' By Pat Myers , Thursday, June 6, 4:53 PM *Wow! Heroes Eat Anything To Indiscriminately Endorse Something: Wheaties* /(Marty McCullen)/ *Big Ugly Drunkards Will Enjoy Its Smoothness, Especially Regurgitating: Budweiser /(Brendan Beary) / *Get a Tub Overhead . . . Ready, Aim, Dump Everywhere!: Gatorade /(Jesse Frankovich) / The examples above got ink in our 2005 contest for backronyms: phrases that pretend to explain what existing terms "stand for." (The term, if you choose to believe Wikipedia, seems to have originated right here in The Post, back in 1983 as an entry by reader Meredith G. Williams in the early days of Bob Levey's monthly neologism contest; he spelled it "bacronym," but our dictionary uses the slightly more readable "backronym.") Our Week 632 contest focused on product names, but 13-time Loser Jeff Loren suggests broadening our de-abbreviated horizons: This week: Create an original backronym for a name or other term, especially one that's been in the news lately. You may add articles or short prepositions, such as "the" or "to," that begin with letters that aren't in your term. Winner receives the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the Style Invitational's official trophy. Second place gets a fabulous double prize, from two donors who smuggled their finds into the country from Europe: first, a roll of toilet paper with euro currency imprinted on the sheets, taken from Germany by Inge Ashley; and also a practical-joke roll of No Tear Toilet Paper: "Impossible 'Paper Work' for Any 'Sit-Down Job,' " brought all the way back from Sweden ("Kr 20.00") by Mike Gips, even though it's an American novelty product made in China. Yes, yes, we know that the Post Hunt gave out thousands of dollars in prizes last week. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 17; results published July 14 (online July 11). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1025" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Jeff Contompasis; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line was submitted independently by Chris Doyle, Mae Scanlan and Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev /; follow the Empress on Twitter at @PatMyersTWP. */Still running — deadline Monday night — is our "A is for. . ."/"B is for. . ." couplet contest. See bit.ly/invite1024. / *Report from Week 1021, in which we supplied a list of seven-letter "racks" used in the daily ScrabbleGrams puzzle feature, and asked you to make your own, funny neologisms. Each of the racks was intended to produce a word no longer than six letters, but that's because those poor ScrabbleGrams editors didn't have the Loser Community to expand the dictionary for them. It's fun to see the various clever permutations of a single rack, so we'll run some groups this week, and then more of them two weeks from now. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial* /AUFWRGF:/ Gruffaw:* A mocking, dismissive laugh. "Listen, kid, if you can't take the constant gruffaws, you'll never make it big in the mime biz." /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif)/ *2.* /Winner of the odd little book "Off the Wall: Fashion From East Germany, 1964 to 1980": / /AIUKQSW:/ Quawk: Any Scrabble "word" that will score you a whole bunch of points if you can get everyone to believe your BS definition. Really, that's what it is! /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ *3. /AAOYBLP:/ Playboa:* A magazine with an eight-page-long centerfold./(Neal Starkman, Seattle) / *4. /AALTSMP:/ PTA-slam:* A contest featuring Yo' Principal jokes. / (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.)/ *Triple nerd scores: honorable mentions* *AAELRBR* *Barbale:* What a Southern farmer uses for weight training. /(Frank Barker, Towson, Md., a First Offender) / "—*Arrable:* Able to speak fluent pirate./(Doug Hamilton, College Park, Md.) / *(R-LaBrea):* Identifies reactionary old fossil in the California legislature /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/ *Barreal:* Perfectly plausible as long as you're drunk. "Wow, that Nobel Prize-winning undercover-agent billionaire rock star last night was just barreal." /(Michael Jacobs, Columbia, Md., a First Offender) / *AALTSMP* *ATM-slap:* A gesture on the sidewalk made by someone suddenly forgetting his PIN. /(Frank Osen)/ *Splat Ma:* Sequel to "Throw Momma From the Train."/(Roy Ashley, Washington) / *Patlas:* A reference manual given to college freshmen in the mandatory "Good Touch, Bad Touch" seminar. /(James Pierce, Charlottesville, Va.) / *Slampat: The urge that results when your brilliant Invitational entry is in missing from the paper./(Michael Kilby, Wildau, Germany) / *AEUUTRB* *Ur-beaut:* A primal knockout, like Wilma Flintstone. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *U-beaut:* Synonym for the Aussie "bonzer," not to be confused with "beaut ute," which compliments a truck./(Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)/ *AIIUDQL* *Liquiad:* Little-known epic by Homer that evolved into "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall." (Dixon Wragg. Santa Rosa, Calif.) *Luqidai:* The Iraqi lottery. /(Steve Dantzler, Gaithersburg, Md.)/ *Liquad:* Fraternity Row. /(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)/ *AOCBLGM* *Macglob:* The lump of "special sauce" that inevitably falls from the bun to your shirt. /(Laura Clairmont, Ashburn, Va., who last got Invite ink in 1994)/ *Blogcam:* Device for capturing images of unemployed people in pajamas. /(John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) / *Clogbam:* It would be a great name for a laxative. /(Dixon Wragg)/ *AOLDPRL * LardPol:* A legislator who engages in adding pork to government programs. (And you thought I was going to make fun of Gov. Christie, and I was, but then he went and had that surgery and ruined everything.) /(Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.)/ *Prod-all:* Medical tool doctors use to embarrass either sex. /(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)/ *LOL-par:* The expected number of "likes" for a post on Facebook. "Huh, my dancing-otter GIF barely made LOL-par."/(Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) / *Laplord:* Dog. /(Danielle Nowlin)/ *AOLBWMN* *Manbowl:* A commode in which the seat automatically adjusts itself to the upright position. /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ *B-L-Woman:* A favorite triple-decker sandwich at the Cannibal Cafe. /(Elden Carnahan)/ *Womban:* Word to replace "woman" in GOP health-care legislation/(Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)/ *IOEWDRG * Wordgie:* A Scrabble play so devastating that it makes your opponent squirm in his seat. /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)/ *Godwire:* The red emergency phone on the pope's desk. /(Robert Schechter)/ *GrowDie:* Is that all there is? /(Dave Zarrow)/ *AUYMSPG* *Pygma:* A tiny but formidable family matriarch. /(Danielle Nowlin)/ *Guymap:* "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know where it is." /(Danielle Nowlin)/ *Yumgasp:* Last breath before food coma sets in. With a yumgasp, Nick collapsed on the couch to watch Thanksgiving Day football./(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ *MuyGaps:* What they call our border fence. /(Dave Zarrow)/ *OOINKLM * Moolink:* Diner slang for beef sausage: "Gimme Adam and Eve on a raft, two blowout patches, moolink on the side!" /(Dan O'Day, Alexandria, Va.)/ *Kilomon:* The person who supplies the Jamaican Gold. /(John Shea, Philadelphia)/ *Minkloo:* Liberace's toilet seat cover. /(Dave Zarrow; Daniela Ganelin, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)/ *Kinloom:* The period right before the holidays. /(Joy Sibley, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)/ *EEUXTPM* *Exmute:* A mime after you drop a brick on his foot. (/Jeff Hazle)/ *Meetpux:* What you hope your teeth won't do during a hockey game./(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *Exputem:* I'm not sure what it is, but it's stuck to the bottom of your shoe. (/Dixon Wragg)/ *EIUMLNM* *Mumline:* Point in an argument with a spouse when you stop talking, if you know what's good for you. /(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)/ *Lum-mine: A famed source of exquisite nuggets of wit and rare gems of extraordinary cleverness. /(Ray Lum, Arlington, Va.)/ *More ScrabbleGrams neologisms in two weeks: in the print paper on June 23, online June 20. (The results of the haiku-to-Mars contest, Week 1023, will run a week later.)* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (posted late Thursday afternoon), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. / *Next week's results: What's the Diff?,* or Sim-Hilarities, our Week 1022 contest, a perennial in which we supplied a list of 16 random items and asked you to tell us how any two were alike or different. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== NO WEEK NUMBER; published June 16, 2013 (We) give us a break: The Empress flies off for a week, but we have the compare/contrast results By Pat Myers , Thursday, June 13, 2:14 PM The Empress is spending a week touring her dominions — really! I'm visiting San Francisco and will be getting together for dinner with a half-dozen Bay Area Losers, none of whom yet know one another personally — and so she's giving you a week off as well. (If you end up in San Francisco, too, give me a holler.) And so we're going to tinker with the schedule for a few weeks until everything gets back to normal at the end of July: As we mentioned in last week's Invite, next week we'll be running more of the ScrabbleGrams-inspired neologisms from Week 1021. Then the results of Weeks 1023 and 1024 will run a week later than advertised: on June 30 and July 7, respectively (online, June 27 and July 4). *Still running — deadline Monday night — is the Week 1025 contest, in which we're seeking original backronyms: words that you pretend are acronyms and say what appropriate phrase the word's letters "stand for." Seebit.ly/invite1025 . /This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. / *Report from Week 1022, our perennial contest in which we supply a list of random objects and ask you to tell us how any two of them are alike or different: Funny but suggested too often was for the overactive bladder and the house-size sinkhole: Having the former makes you want the latter. One reason the Empress loves this contest is that she knows the jokes couldn't have been used somewhere before. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial* The difference between a 23-year-old Geo Prizm and a vacation in Pyongyang: If you find yourself with a 23-year-old Geo Prizm, you chose the wrong career. If you find yourself on a vacation in Pyongyang, you chose the wrong Korea./(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ *2.* Winner of thegiant whoopee cushion (one of this week's categories): *The National Zucchini Fair vs. the Rolling Stones: One is a celebration of phallic vegetables. The other is a gardening event. /(Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)/ *3. A 23-year-old Geo Prizm vs. a giant whoopee cushion: They're both old jokes, but the gas goes /into/ the Prizm. /(Dan O'Day, Alexandria, Va.)/ *4.* The Rolling Stones vs. a vacation in Pyongyang*: In the latter, you can't ever get what you want. /(Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) / *Slightly im-paired: honorable mentions* *A solar-powered butter churn vs. a 23-year-old Geo Prizm: The Amish would consider the churn too modern. /(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)/ *A solar-powered butter churn vs. a 23-year-old Geo Prizm: While both have about the same horsepower, the butter churn is more of a chick magnet. /(Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.)/ *A solar-powered butter churn and a rash in the shape of Lake Huron: Both require lots of cream, and neither one is going to make your rear-end look attractive. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ *A solar-powered butter churn is not like a vacation in Pyongyang, but you had better bring one along if you want butter. /(Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.)/ *A vacation in Pyongyang and a solar-powered butter churn* are different because you can take that vacation in Pyongyang and shove it where the sun don't shine. /(Frances Hirai-Clark, Columbia, Md.)/ *A vacation in Pyongyang vs. the Rolling Stones: One reeks of the powerful odor of fermented cabbage, while the other features great kimchi. /(Stephen Dudzik, on vacation in Vietnam)/ *A rash in the shape of Lake Huron vs. an overactive bladder: The rash is a reminder of Huron of the Great Lakes; the bladder is a reminder of Urine of the Great Leaks. /(Steve Dantzler, Gaithersburg, Md.)/ *A rash in the shape of Lake Huron vs. an overactive bladder: One is going to itch, and the other is itching to go. /(Doug Hamilton, College Park, Md.)/ *A Ferrari Gran Turismo vs. a 23-year-old Geo Prizm:* The Ferrari measures zero to 60 in seconds. /(Art Grinath) / *A 23-year-old Geo Prizm vs. an overactive bladder:* While both are huge social embarrassments, the overactive bladder is more likely to start up each time you sit down. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ *A 23-year-old Geo Prizm and the Dowager Countess:* Both probably have leaky undercarriages. /(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)/ *A 23-year-old Geo Prizm vs. an overactive bladder:* With either one, you'll be pulling over at every rest stop. /(Mark Richardson, Washington) / *A Ferrari Gran Turismo vs. a house-size sinkhole:* It's easier to climb out of a house-size sinkhole. /(John Kupiec, Fairfax, Va.) / *A Ferrari Gran Turismo and a 23-year-old Geo Prizm:* Both have the same top speed — on the Beltway during rush hour: 14 mph. /(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)/ *A Ferrari Gran Turismo* is auto-erotic; a*23-year-old Geo Prizm is auto-neurotic. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ *Michelle's bangs and the Rolling Stones: Both are chemically relaxed. /(Tim Morrison, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) / *Michelle's bangs vs. an overactive bladder:* One is the result of two hours in the salon and the other is the result of two hours in the saloon. /(Ralph Nitkin, Rockville, Md.)/ *Michelle's bangs and the National Zucchini Fair: They're both great names for porn flicks. /(Steve Dantzler)/ *Michelle's bangs and a vacation in Pyongyang:* Each is a distraction from what's really important — the arms. /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)/ *Grumpy cat vs. an overactive bladder: From the cat, you expect lots of /hissing./ /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / *A giant whoopee cushion vs. a vacation in Pyongyang:* One is perfectly suited to fat keisters, the other to cat feasters. /(Mike Gips)/ *A house-size sinkhole and the new "Great Gatsby":* Both made a giant sucking sound. /(Sheila Ratcliffe, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)/ *A house-size sinkhole and the Rolling Stones:* Both have swallowed just about everything. /(Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)/ *A house-size sinkhole vs. an overactive bladder:* Both are found all over Florida. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / *The Dowager Countess learned what a weekend is ; a giant whoopee cushion* learned what a weak end is. /(Steve Price, New York)/ *The Dowager Countess vs. a 23-year-old Geo Prizm:* It's been a long time since either one was listed in the Blue Book. /(Frank Osen)/ *The Dowager Countess vs. the Rolling Stones:* The countess gets all the best lines. Well, so do the Stones, but they snort theirs away. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) / *The new "Great Gatsby" and an overactive bladder:* Both make it nearly impossible to sit for two hours straight. /(Mike Gips) / *The new "Great Gatsby" and eggplant parmigiana:* Both are a lot of work to produce, but the former is cheesier. /(Ellen Ryan)/ T*he new "Great Gatsby":* It's set on Long Island Sound. A giant whoopee cushion:* Get set for a long violent sound./(Beverley Sharp)/ *The Rolling Stones vs. an overactive bladder:* The first are famed for "little yellow pills," the other for little yellow spills. /(Kristen Rowe, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) / *The Rolling Stones vs. cicadas:* Because of climate change, you can't be absolutely sure that the cicadas will show up again 17 years from now. /(Andrew Hatziyannis, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) / *The Rolling Stones vs. a giant whoopee cushion:* One sings "Under My Thumb," while the other sings under my bum. /(Diane Wah, Seattle)/ *The Rolling Stones vs. a 23-year old Geo Prizm:* One rocks and rolls, while the other won't roll even if you rock it. /(Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)/ *Cicadas vs. the Rolling Stones: While both create lots of buzz wherever they appear, neither will ever have the far-reaching impact of the beetles. /(Jeffrey Fenster, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)/ *Cicadas vs. eggplant parmigiana: Nobody I know cooks cicadas with tomato sauce and cheese. For cryin' out loud, that'd be like serving cicadas with red wine instead of white! /(Debbie Wagner, Brookeville, Md.)/ /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (posted late Thursday afternoon), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner.. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Nice Set of Racks,* or Jumble Fever, more honorable mentions from out Week 1021 contest, to make new words from any of the seven-letter ScrabbleGrams "tile sets" we supplied. The first set of results is here . ====================================================================== WEEK 1026, published June 23, 2013 Week 1026: 'Might' makes ink *You might be too much of a cat person if . . . *You might be spending too much time at work if . . . *You might need to do some shopping if . . . *You might want to cut back on the coffee if . . . *You might be humor-impaired if . . . For the past few months, the Empress has been posting a Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook — either a single classic entry as a graphic meme, such as this one,e one pictured here, or as a mini-list of a few entries from one contest. Recently she shared some entries from Week 752, which sought jokes in five categories of the venerated "you just might" form ("You just might need a new car soon if every 3,000 miles, you change the duct tape" — Chuck Smith), and decided that she just might want to mine this lode again. This week: Give us a joke using any of the templates above* (you also have the option of using the form "If ... you might ..." if your joke seems to work better that way). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the distinguished noodly headwear donated by and modeled here by 225-time Loser Dave Prevar. Because Dave was concerned about appearing too conservatively dressed at the Losers' Flushies awards last month, he also donned a Loser T-shirt, which for many years was awarded to Invite runners-up. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 1; results published July 21 (online July 18). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1026" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . This week's honorable-mentions line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Har Scrabble: *More honorable mentions from Week 1021, in which we presented 100 "tile sets" of seven letters each from the ScrabbleGrams feature that appears daily in The Post, and asked you to come up with your own terms (all the tile sets were designed to generate only six-letter words). We got so many neologisms for this contest that we're running them over two weeks. (See the first group in the June 9 Sunday Style section or online at bit.ly/invite1025.) /AUETCPN:/ Capenut:*One of those weirdos who go to superhero movies in costume. /(Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)/ "—*Pacenut:* The driver who just has to stay ahead of everybody else on the Beltway. /(Michael Jacobs, Columbia, Md.)/ "—*Puce-tan:*Still an improvement over drugstore bronzer. /(Daniela Ganelin, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) / /OIYLZTG:/ Yoglitz:* The extra junk that turns a healthy snack into a diabetic overload. /(Hugh Pullen, Vienna, Va.)/ /EEITDCP:/ Peedict:* "Kids, you /will/ use the bathroom before we all get in the car." /(Mark Richardson, Washington) / "—*Deceipt:* Supporting material normally included when filing an expense form. /(John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) / /AAIOSRV:/ IRS-ova:* The jumbo-size eggs the agency is laying this year. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) / /AALTSMP:/ Malt-pas: At the whiskey tasting, drinking right from the bottle. /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ /AAOYBLP:/ Polybaa:* Synthetic wool. /(Charley Noel, Lake Frederick, Va., a First Offender)/ /AAYTHSS:/ Asshay:* To walk in a very provocative manner. /(Dan O'Day, Alexandria, Va.)/ *"— Assathy:* Common trait of an uncaring jerk. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ /AEEUSRF:/ Surfee: The person you just spent two hours Googling. /(Michael Jacobs) / "—*Seafru: A line of transparent swimwear. /(Nancy Israel, Bethesda, Md.)/ /AEIOGWT: / Egowait:* The time spent on the couch while your boss finishes playing solitaire. /(Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) / "—*Ewtoga:* What a Roman is wearing when he wakes up on the floor the morning after the bacchanal. /(Denise Sudell, Cheverly, Md.)/ /AEIURPB: / AirBeUp: Half of the pilot's mnemonic, followed by GroundBeDown. /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh)/ "—*Beaur:* A plain swain! A ho-hum him! A lame flame! Really, he's just valentiresome. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ /AEOOHLM:/ Hamoo:* Hybrid lunch meat. /(Joy Sibley, Fairfax, Va.)/ "—*Mohelo: Hawaiian for "thank you for circumcising my son." /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) / "—*Hamoleo: Lard. /(Jeff Contompasis)/ /AEOVFRL:/ Rovelaf:* Mwahh-hahh-hahh. /(Seth Tucker, Washington) / /AAEUTNP:/ PeaTuna:* A flower with a flagrant aroma. /(John Kustka, Prince Frederick, Md.) / *"—Putane:* Gas given off by Your Mama. /(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.) / /AEUZNRB: / Unzebra:* An equine with black-and-black stripes. /(Edward Gordon, Austin) / /AIDLMSD:/ LSDmaid:* Lucy. /(Steve Dantzler, Gaithersburg, Md.)/ "—*Madlims:* There once was a man from ____ (place name) / Who liked to __ (two-syllable verb) in a _____ (noun that rhymes with place name) . . . /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / /AILNBRT: / Bra-lint:* Victoria's less interesting secret. /(Hugh Pullen)/ "—*Bran-lit:* The selection of reading material you keep handy when your high-fiber cereal kicks in. /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond)/ "—*Brat-nil:* They dispensed with euphemisms for this new brand of contraceptive. /(Lee Giesecke, Annandale, Va.) / "—*Latrin:* The speech of vulgar Romans. /(Dixon Wragg) / /AIOADRF:/ Afradio:* The Fearmongers FM network. /(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) / "—*Afraido: A fettuccine dish made with . . . you don't want to know. /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) / "—*Fairdo:* Your coiffure on a middling-hair day. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ /AIOCFGS:/ Go-fisc:* What the Fed does when the money supply runs out /(Michael Jacobs) / /AIUKQSW:/ Quiksaw:* Old nickname for a guy now called Lefty. /(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)/ /AIYNHLM: / Hymnil:* Uplifting songbook for atheists. /(Mark Raffman, Reston)/ /"—/ Hamily:* Grandpa's long speech before Easter dinner. /(Michael Jacobs) / /AIOYFDM:/ Fido-yam:* A euphemism for dog doo. /(Jim Lubell, Portland, Ore.)/ /AOLDPRL:/ Lardpol:* A practitioner of extreme pork-barrel politics. "Not content just to apologize, that lardpol had the new sex addiction rehab center named after himself." /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ /AYWKSON: / Knowsy:* Describing someone who often succeeds in learning what's none of his business. /(Robert Schechter) "—/ Nyawkos:* The Greek guy who owns the cawfee shop on the cawner of 59th & Sixth. /(Nan Reiner)/ */"—/ Yanksow:* Chinese pulled pork. /(Dixon Wragg)/ */EAKLNHS:/ Sneakh: A duplicitious Middle Eastern oil baron. /(Mark Raffman)/ "—*Shankle:* A leg-worn monitoring device. Lindsay Lohan has a rhinestone-bedecked shankle. /(Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.)/ "—*Ken-lash:* The most popular accessory for Dominatrix Barbie. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Frank Osen) / /EEUOGRB:/ Rogue-B:* Letter that sneaked its way into "doubt," "subtle" and "plumber." /(Rachel A. Bernhardt, Silver Spring, Md.)/"—*EEOGrub:* A cafeteria where everyone, regardless of race, gender or religion, gets the mystery meat. (/Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/ /EEYRSWN:/ Newsery:* Where cub reporters are raised. /(Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va; Mike Gips) / /AAELRBR, EUITSNH/ and /EUUGHMB: / Gluteal-reduction firm (Rearlab)* that makes an ablution product (Tushine)* for a prototypical American customer (with a hugebum*). /(Mike Gips)/ /Since the Empress took a week to survey her West Coast dominions, there won't be a Style Conversational column this week. She and the Royal Consort visited San Francisco, were they were scheduled to have dinner with seven Bay Area Losers, none of whom knew one another outside the Invitational and the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook page, and visited another in Santa Cruz. Next week's Conversational should have all the juicy details. / *Next week's results: T-minus 5-7-5,* or Poetry in Martian, our Week 1023 contest to write funny haiku to take on the Mars exploration craft. © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1027, published June 30, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1027: The ins and outs (and ups and downs) of buildings, plus Haiku for Martians By Pat Myers , Thursday, June 27, 2:34 PM *Entrance and exit at WSSC headquarters: Inflow and Effluent* *Hot and cold faucets at a movie studio: Megan Fox and Danny DeVito* Way back in 1995, one Stephen Dudzik suggested a contest for Week 145: to come up with funny names for the men's and women's restrooms in various places. The results were a riot. At the Sigmund Freud Museum: Cigars and Ashtrays (by Jean and Bob Sorensen); at a Catskills resort: Ladies and Germs (Jonathan Paul). (See more of them at bit.ly/invite145 .) Eighteen years later, Steve has just entered the Style Invitational Hall of Fame with his 500th ink, and he's back with another idea, an expansion of his old one: Give humorous related names for any pair of features in a given building, organization, etc.,* as in Steve's own examples above: entrances and exits, up and down escalators, left entrance and right entrance, anything you can creatively pair up for a good joke. You might even offer some more men's rooms and ladies' rooms, as long as they're different from the ones in the Week 145 results. The paired features don't have to be utter opposites, and if you think of something that might have three elements rather than two, I'm inclined to be flexible. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets the weird gadget pictured here , modeled by 32-time Loser Marleen May at last month's Flushies, the Loser Community's annual awards lunch, and donated by 122-time Loser Nan Reiner. It's intended to be a head massager (and we'll sterilize it before sending it out), but we believe that its springy little prongs are better used for, say, roasting grasshoppers over a campfire. /Anything/ rather than sticking your head with a bunch of pointy wires. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 8; results published July 28 (online July 25). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1027" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Nan Reiner; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ /*Still running — deadline Monday night — our "You might be . . ." joke contest. See bit.ly/invite1026 . / *Report from Week 1023, in which we invited you to propose some haiku for NASA to put on the DVD it's going to send up with the MAVEN craft bound for the Martian atmosphere. The deadline is July 1 for the real NASA contest for Mars-bound haiku (three will be chosen by public vote); feel free to submit your own Invite entries, either inking or non-. We think there's a snowball's chance on Venus that an Invite-winning or -Losing entry will get NASA ink, but we'd be thrilled to be proved wrong. By the way, both we and NASA are using the broadest, most ignorant definition of haiku: anything with three lines and 5-7-5 syllables. We've learned that irreverent 17-syllable poems are (slightly) more precisely called /senryu,/ but we figured that your average Martian wouldn't know that term. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial * Mars, we brought this flag! See, it has stars, just like space! Where should we stick it? /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ *2.* /Winner of the man-shaped bottle filled eerily with green and white sand:/ Oh mighty red orb, Please align with Jupiter. Powerball tonight! /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / *3.* This is a haiku Under NASA's new budget. /( Danny Bravman, Chicago)/ *4.* MAVEN's first message: "Mars exists. Rule 34. Porn pix to follow." / (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ *Mirthlings: honorable mentions We would like to know: Do you guys have candy bars? Do you call them "Earth?" /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; J. Calvin Smith, Ranger, Ga.)/ Earth teachers are mean. Please enroll me in Mars school. Mom says pick me up. /(Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) / This haiku cost us 34.5 million bucks per syllable! /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ When you visit Earth, Please bring your own shirts if you Need three sleeves or more. / (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ We come here in peace. We want to learn your culture. Do you have oil? / (John Duffy, Manassas, Va., a First Offender)/ Can you tell me what You have done with Ray Walston? He's my favorite. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ Loneliness abounds In the vast heavens we share. Need mail-order brides? /(Mike Gips) / Lonely, spinning orb Adrift in the vast cosmos . . . Are you impressed yet?/(Neal Starkman, Seattle) / If you come, be sure To get a flu shot first, 'cause CVS ran out. /(Larry Neal, McLean, Va., a First Offender)/ You look lonely, Mars. You can have our tired, our poor And all our old folks. /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)/ Our spaceship traveled To Mars and all you get is This stupid haiku. /(Julia Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md.)/ You folks like haiku? We also brought some fruitcake. Now, where is your gold? /(Rob Huffman)/ We were not afraid To boot out Pluto — so you Just watch your step, pal. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ Would you like for me To return that probey-thing That you left inside? /(Beverley Sharp)/ NASA accepts no Responsibility if You choke on this disc./ (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)/ We've no receipt but We'd really like to return Dennis Kucinich. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / Our Four Horsemen are War, famine, disease, and death. What do your guys do? /(Jim Blue, Darnestown, Md., a First Offender)/ Over the rainbow We launched without ruby shoes. Need Wizard of Mars. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ The Moon shot was faked. The Mars probes are also. This didn't happen. /(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)/ Arriving Tuesday. Don't fuss — will bring everything. I packed the sand wedge. /(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)/ Earthling can't find job Desperately want to work Willing to commute/ (Bella Portillo, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) / Well, hello, Martian! I see they were wrong about "Little" green men. ROWR!/(Danielle Nowlin)/ We hope Amanda Bynes is one of you. It would Give us much comfort./(Sneha Kannan, Potomac, Md.)/ Hello Martian friend. I was once Nigerian Finance Minister . . . /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)/ We, the Blue Planet, Unsullied by gaseous clouds, Unlike Uranus. /(John Kupiec, Fairfax, Va.)/ Expect more of us When 55-year-olds learn They're 29 here./(Kevin Dopart)/ Property of Earth Please drop in any mailbox Postage guaranteed /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ Better not attack: We can drive you raving mad. We will speak Haiku. /(Nan Reiner)/ /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (posted late Thursday afternoon), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Gorey Thoughts From A to Z,* or Grisly Pairs,* our Week 1024 contest seeking irreverent alphabet-primer couplets as homage to Edward Gorey's "Gashlycrumb Tinies." © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1028, published July 7, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1028: Joint legiflation with the 1st Congress, plus A-to-Zingy couplets By Pat Myers , Wednesday, July 3, 2:45 PM *The Goodhue-Bland Resolution to make the new flag colors ecru and taupe.* *The Few-Moore-Coles Act to make Congress Hall a bit warmer and cozier this winter. In honor of Independence Day, we're taking up Loser Elden Carnahan on his suggestion that we do a special edition of our usually biennial "Bill Us Now" joint-legislation contest, which generally features that year's congressional freshmen: In this off-year, we'll use the senators and representatives of the first U.S. Congress (1789-81). Not that these guys didn't have enough to do on their own: In that first two-year term, broken into three sessions in New York and later Philadelphia, James Madison and his co-workers chose the president of the United States(unanimously); worked up 12 amendments to the Constitution (including the 10 of the Bill of Rights); established the State, War and Treasury departments and a national bank; and set up a tariff system. Among other things. We don't think many people called it the Do-Nothing Congress. *This week: Combine the names of two or more of the First Congress senators and/or representatives listed below to create "joint legislation,"* as in the examples above. They don't have to refer to the 18th-century world, though that might be funnier. Note that in that much more homogeneous hiring pool, there are a number of duplicated names; your bill may use a name twice only if the name is in the list twice. The names: *Ames, Ashe, Baldwin, Bassett, Benson, Bland, Bloodworth, Boudinot, Bourne, Brown, Burke, Butler, Cadwalader, Carroll, Carroll, Clymer, Coles, Contee, Dalton, Dickinson, Ellsworth, Elmer, Few, Fitzsimons, Floyd, Foster, Foster, Gale, Gerry, Giles, Gilman, Goodhue, Grayson, Griffin, Grout, Gunn, Hartley, Hathorn, Hawkins, Henry, Hiester, Huger, Huntington, Izard, Jackson, Johnson, Johnston, King, Langdon, Laurance, Lee, Lee, Leonard, Livermore, Maclay, Madison, Mathews, Monroe, Moore, Morris, Muhlenberg, Muhlenberg, Page, Parker, Partridge, Paterson, Read, Schureman, Schuyler, Scott, Sedgwick, Seney, Sevier, Sherman, Silvester, Sinnickson, Smith, Smith, Stanton, Steele, Stone, Strong, Sturges, Sumter, Thatcher, Trumbull, Tucker, Van Rensselaer, Vining, Wadsworth, Walker, White, Williamson, Wingate, Wynkoop.* Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, semi-appropriately, one of those foam "stress reduction" squeeze toys — it's in the shape of the Capitol dome. If you've ever felt like strangling your . . . your Capitol dome, this would be your chance. Donated by Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 15; results published Aug. 4 (online Aug. 1). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1028" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Report from Week 1024, in which we asked for irreverent alphabet couplets, a Style Invitationalish version of Edward Gorey's gloriously gruesome "Gashlycrumb Tinies." All of you who paired "Empress" and "F-word," no ink for you. /(In this weekend's print version in the Sunday Style section, the first 13 couplets appear as a single, two-column, full-alphabet unit; we'll keep the same format online this week, with the winner and three runners-up noted among those first 13, followed by the rest of the honorable mentions.)/ *A is for Arnold, who diddled his aide;* B's for the Bed she then dutifully made. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va., second/ /place, the winner of the Doody Darts game ) / C's for Chris Christie, who's trending toward gristle ; D's Michael Douglas, who blows his own whistle. /(Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) / *E is for Enema, cleaning you out; F, your Financial plan: same thing, no doubt. /(J. Calvin Smith, Ranger, Ga., fourth place) / G is the Grammar most texters eschew; H is for Hell — and for Handbasket, too. /(Rob Pivarnik, Stratford, Conn.)/ I is for Info Big Brother has mined. J is for Justice as dumb as it's blind. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ *M is for Money, which hardens a man;* N is for Name change — eventually, Dan. (/Jennifer Gittins-Harfst, Annandale, Va., a First Offender and the winner of the Inkin' Memorial) / O's for O'Reilly, the libs he'll harass. P's for Proctalgia, more pain in the rear. /(Kevin Dopart)/ Q is for Quitting your job in November; R is for Renting a box in December. /(Daniel Gutierrez, Salinas, Calif., a First Offender) / *S is Scalia, harrumphing and hefty.* T is the Talmud, which he'd find too lefty. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md., third place)/ U is the Umpire, whom fans like to boo, V is the Vampire, who wants to suck, too. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / W's your Wife, whose sweet love never ends; X rates the porno she made with your friends. /(Danielle Nowlin)/ Y is for You, and your what/when/where/how; Z is for Zuckerberg; he owns it now./(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *NEXT IN THE Q: More honorable mentions* A is for Apple, which pays little taxes. B is for Budgets that must get the axes. /(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)/ A is for Arrivederci, Adieu; B is for Bachmann, and, yes, this means you./(Nan Reiner)/ C's for the Condom you scoffed at in bed; D's for the Diapers you're buying instead. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ C is for Creationists, who see our science failing. D is for the Dinosaurs, who missed the Ark's noon sailing. /(Neal Starkman, Seattle)/ C is for Chicks underrating their strength; D is for Dudes overstating their length. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ C is for Civets and coffee beans pooped . D is for Dimwitted java nuts duped./(Diane Wah, Seattle)/ C is for Christie, he's big and he's noisy, D is for Duh!, he's a guy from New Joisey. /(Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.)/ E is for my English class; I barely made a D. F is for photography, or does that start with P? /(Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.)/ E is for Eunuch, who's missing a bit, F is for Foreskin — no, that isn't it./(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ E is Exams: how you're tested on knowledge; F is for Flunking: "Who cares? Party college!"/(Matt Monitto, Silver Spring, Md.)/ G's for the Grotto where Bunnies in heaps sit; H is for Hefner, who somehow up keeps it. /(Danielle Nowlin)/ G is for Guns, the top right of our nation; H is for Hospital; know its location. /(Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)/ I is for IRS agents at play. J is for Just handing over your pay./(Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)/ K's for expectant Kanye and Kim; L is for Love that they both share for him. /(Kristen Rowe, Silver Spring, Md.)/ M is for Maxim, pornography lite; N is for Nipples kept just out of sight./(Chris O'Carroll, Pelham, Mass.) / O is for Overreach in programs enacted; P is for PRISM; --- ----- [redacted] /(Danielle Nowlin)/ O: It's an "online subscription-based model." P? It's a paywall — that jargon's just twaddle! /(Brendan Beary)/ S is for Speedo, too small for your size. T is the Trauma you've done to my eyes. /(Rob Pivarnik) / S is for Scandal, so juicy, delicious; T "" when it's Thee, then it's untrue and vicious. /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ U is Uranus, the butt of butt puns. V is for Venus: No arms but nice buns. /(J. Calvin Smith)/ U is for Using my phone to plot "Pow!" V's for Verizon, hearing me now. /(Ellen Ryan)/ U is for Us, who are better than you; V is for Vice — that's the stuff others do./(Brian Allgar, Paris)/ U is for Usury, lending to fools. V is the Visit from Vincent and Jules. (/Greg Arnold, Herndon, Va.) / Y's for Your Mama, so ugly and fat. Z is for Zoo where her address is at. /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ Y is for YouTube: You posted your bris! Z, Zero: how many following this./(J. Calvin Smith) / Y is for Yoga: I see your behind! Z is for Zen; I must empty my mind. (/Roy Ashley, Washington)/ And Last: E is for Edmund, who joins Loser cults. F is for facepalm when he sees the results./(Edmund Conti, Raleigh)/ And Even Laster: E is for Empress, I'm sure that she's hot! F is for Flattery, see what it bought! /(Jennifer Gittins-Harfst)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our contest for funny names for paired building features. See bit.ly/invite1027 . /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational , in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Are You Backronimble? or Behold A Clever, Kicky Riff On Names Yielding Much Silliness,* our Week 1025 contest, which sought backronyms, or phrases that "explain" what the letters in a name or other term "stand for." © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1029, published July 14, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1029: It's parody time, and the topic is movies; plus top backronyms By Pat Myers , It's high time we returned to a genre that's excruciating when done badly — which is usually — and sublime when it's done well — which is by the Style Invitational Loser Community: Two summers ago, we asked for descriptive theme songs for TV shows, à la those for "The Beverly Hillbillies" and "The Brady Bunch"; this year, at the suggestion of Loser Rob Pivarnik: Write a descriptive theme song for a well-known movie, set to a well-known tune.* The tune doesn't have to have anything to do with the movie (though it's welcome to). The songs may be as long as you like, but multi-verse entries, as well as those using more obscure movies or tunes, aren't as likely to run in the print paper, where we don't have as much room and can't provide sing-along links. We won't complain if you include a link to an online recording of the song you're parodying; you can even make your own video(it's good to include the lyrics if you do). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a mini-bottle of liquor containing a preserved scorpion, sure to make you the most potent guy around. (Or possibly the deadest.) Donated by Double Hall of Fame Loser Tom Witte, whose daughter Michelle brought it back from Laos. (If you win second place and are under 21, or if you live overseas, or if you just don't want this thing, we'll send you a mug or bag instead.) *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 22; results published Aug. 11 (online Aug. 8). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1029" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions was submitted separately by Tom Witte and Chris Doyle; the alternative headline in the "Next week's contest" line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Report from Week 1025: Backronyms, in which we asked for phrases that spell out what the letters in a given name or other term "stand for": The entrance period for this contest was June 13-24; Edward Snowden had identified himself on June 9. The Empress received tons of entries about Snowden, PRISM, NSA, etc.; she's sure that even if they didn't get ink here, they've been eagerly read by /someone. / *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial:* *PRISM:* Perfectly Reasonable Internet Snooping Mwahahahah! /(Jay Cummings, Greenbelt, Md.)/ *2.* /Winner of the gag no-tear toilet paper AND the toilet paper imprinted with pictures of euros (wow, are we lavish or what?):/ Pizza Hut Deliveryman? You're Almost, Like, Employed!: PhD, YALE* /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ *3.* BRYCE HARPER:* Bro, Recalibrate! You Can't Expect Health And Regular Play Executing Recklessly!/(Paul Stackpole, Ellicott City, Md., a First Offender)/ *4.* iPHONE:* Ignoring Person Here to Open New E-mail /(Ben Shouse, Takoma Park, Md., a First Offender)/ *LACKRONYMS: HONORABLE MENTIONS* *DONALD TRUMP:* Drowned Otter? Nesting Animal? Large Divot? Toupee Resting Upon Moneyed Plutocrat /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ *SYRIA:* Soon You'll Recognize Iran's Appendage. /(Mark Raffman) / *SYRIA:* Seriously? You're Really Intervening, America? /(Chris Doyle; Ben Shouse)/ *HIPPOCRATIC OATH:* Help Indecisive Patients Profess Onerous Complaints Readily Applicable To Insurance Coverage. Oh "" And To Heal /(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)/ *FURLOUGH: Feckless, Unproductive Reprobates Lose Outrageous, Undeserved Government Handouts /— T. Party, Outside the Beltway/ /(Stephen Frantzich, Gambrills, Md., a First Offender)/ *INTERN: Informative, Nurturing Transition to Employment. Really! Not. /(Michael Reinemer, Annandale, Va.)/ *METRO:* More Efficient Than Renting Oxen /(Michael Reinemer) / *NSA:* Nothing's Sacred, America/(Laurie Tompkins, Rockville, Md.)/ *NSA:* Non-Scheduled Audience/(Steve Honley, Washington)/ *USA:* Under Surveillance Always (/Frank Barker, Towson, Md.)/ *PRISM: Possibly Relevant? I Shall Meddle /(Roy Ashley, Washington) / *SNOWDEN:* Spy, Nerd Or Whistleblower, Drives Everyone Nuts/(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ *EDWARD SNOWDEN:* Earnest, Devoted, Wholly Altruistic Rebel? Dubious. Someone Needs Omnipresent Waxing of a Diva Ego. Nimrod. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *PRIVACY:* Previously Restricted Information Viewed Anytime by Clandestine Yahoos /(Kevin Dopart)/ *PATRIOT ACT:* Perusing All Telephone Records Indiscriminately Offends The American Constitution? Tough. /(Nan Reiner) / *IRS:* Innovative Recreation Skills /(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)/ *OBAMA:* Oh, Baby, Admire My Arrogance /(Jim Blizzard, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)/ *JOE BIDEN:* Joke's On Everyone! Born In Dharan, East Nepal! /(Alex Jeffrey, Columbia, Md.) / *HILLARY CLINTON:* Her Intense, Limitless Leadership Ambition Requires Years Collecting Lucre — It's Now Time or Never/(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ *CHRISTIE:* Contrary, Headstrong, Republican, Independent . . . and Slimming To Improve Electability?/(Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)/ *CONGRESS:* Conglomeration Of Nitpickers, Getting Ruder Every Successive Session. /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ Racist Eponym, Daniel Snyder! Knuckleheaded Intransigence, Nauseatingly Superannuated: R#dSk*ns* /(Ami Greenberg, Washington, a First Offender) / *REDSKINS:*Respecting Entreaties, Dan Selects Kinder Indian Name: "Squaws" /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond)/ *BACHMANN:* Bucking Against Change, Her Mouth Asserted the Nonexistent as News /(Mike Jacobs, Columbia, Md.)/ *BLOOMBERG:* Billionaire Lords Over Ordinary Manhattanites, Bans Everything Remotely Gratifying /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / *RICE:* Reality's Irrelevant Compared to Expediency /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ *PUTIN:* Pocketed Unreplaceable Trinket? I? Nyet! /(Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.)/ *EARHART: Enemy Abduction — Romulans! — Halts Amelia's Round Trip /(Ellen Ryan)/ *POTBELLY: People, Our Title Basically Explains: Largest Loaf — You /(Matt Monitto, Silver Spring, Md.)/ Resist Ultra-healthy Foreign Foods! Let's Eat Salt!: RUFFLES* /(Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)/ *LAS VEGAS:* Let's All Simply View Every Gambler As a Sucker /(Howard Walderman) / *INSTAGRAM: /I /Never Shot That Awful, Greenish, Refracted, Adulterated Mess /(Gary Crockett)/ *MEN:* Mostly Emitting Noises /(Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.)/ *PEDESTRIAN:* Person Every Driver Expects Should Totally Remain Indoors At Night /(Laurie Kelly, Takoma Park, Md., a First Offender)/ *YAHOO.COM:* Your At-Home Office? Outlawed. Company Orders, Ma'am /(Mark Raffman)/ *GODADDY.COM:* Girls Overflowing Dresses All Desire Doing YOU? Come On, Man!/(Gary Crockett)/ *MATCH.COM:* Making A Ton of Cash Helping Clueless Oldsters Mate /(Colette Zanin, Greenbelt, Md.)/ *CAMELS: Coughing, Asthma, Maybe Emphysema? Let's Smoke! /(Chris Doyle)/ *VIAGRA: Virility Isn't A Guarantee, Randy Ancients /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / *MANSCAPING:* Males Are Now Snipping, Cropping And Pruning In Nether Gardens /(Chris Doyle) / *BOOKS: Bulky, Oversize, Obsolescent Kindle-Substitutes /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ *SUMMER'S EVE:* Seems Unfortunate Most Misses Eliminate Reproductive Scents. Eucalyptus? Violets?? Ewwww! /(Rob Huffman)/ *PAYWALL:* Please Allot Young Woodwards A Little Lucre /(Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.)/ *THE EMPRESS:* These Humor Entries: Excellent "" Merit Prizes! Rest: Enter Sewage System. /(Matt Monitto) / *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our "joint legislation" contest featuring the members of the First Congress (1789-91). See bit.ly/invite1028. /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational , in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: 'Might' Makes Ink, or The Hint Parade,* our Week 1026 contest, which sought jokes in the form of "You might . . . / if . . ." © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1030, published July 21, 2013 Week 1030: That cinquain feeling If a Tree falls in the Woods and no one's around, Does it make a sound? Listen close: "Oh [expletive]." /(Joseph Romm, Week 167, 1996) / For only the second time ever, the Style Invitational showcases the cinquain, a form of poetry you might have last encountered as an elementary school language arts assignment. The form seems to have been invented almost exactly 100 years ago by one Adelaide Crapsey, whose own cinquains were lauded by the Czar, the Empress's predecessor, as "the most effete and vomitacious versifications, poems so ickily precious and pretentious they make haiku look like Kipling." Sample: "Keep thou/ Thy tearless watch/ All night but when blue-dawn/ Breathes on the silver moon, then weep!/ Then weep!" It's a shame that the form hasn't been named for her in tribute. As in the example above by 342-time Loser and now Famous Climate Change Activist Joseph Romm, a Style Invitational cinquain will not be ickily precious and pretentious. This week: Write a clever cinquain. The five-line form is straightforward: first line, two syllables; second line, four syllables; third line, six; fourth line, eight; fifth line, two. Besides needing to be original and printable, there are no other restrictions. You may add a title. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, perhaps appropriately for this week's genre, Pukin' Paul, a little solar-power bobblehead whose head bobbles incessantly into and out of a little plastic toilet; it's like having a stomach-turning GIF on your windowsill. Donated by Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 29; results published Aug. 18 (online Aug. 15). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1030" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Mark Richardson; the alternative headline for the "next week's results" line is by Chris Doyle.. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Report from Week 1026, in which we asked for "if . . ."/"you might be . . ." jokes in the five categories shown below. Lots of great one-liners; we should have room for more of them next week as well. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial:* You might be spending too much time at work . . . if your daughter has an annual Bring Daddy to Home Day. /(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.)/ *2.**Winner of the beanie with noodly tubes bursting out of it: * You might be humor-impaired . . . if you think Marx Brothers movies are metaphors for the struggle of the proletariat to throw off the yoke of oppression from the bourgeoisie./(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)/ A *3.* You might need to do some shopping . . . if your newest outfit has a "Made in U.S.A." label. /(Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.)/ *4.* If you can't wait to get home and kiss her and hold her and run your fingers through her soft, luxuriant hair, you might be too much of a cat person. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ *A might short: honorable mentions* *YOU MIGHT BE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME AT WORK . . . . . . if your kids refer to you as "that other guy who sleeps next to Mommy." /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / . . . if you have to check your computer to find out whether the hands on your watch are pointing to 7 a.m. or 7 p.m. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) / . . . if you ask your kid, "How's school?" and she says, "I'm not allowed to talk to strangers." /(Denise Sudell, Cheverly; Beverley Sharp)/ . . . if you come home and reflexively flash your ID badge — and the person at the door checks it. /(Seth Tucker, Washington) / . . . if the office cleaning lady has a honey-do list for you. /(Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) / . . . if at Christmastime, your family wears sticky tags that say "Hello! My Name Is . . ." /(Michele Uhler, Fort Washington, Md.) / . . . if you refer to weekends as "uninterrupted productivity time." /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / . . . if your husband has changed your ringtone to that Gotye song . /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ . . . Wait a minute! There's no such thing as spending too much time at work in D.C. /(John Kupiec, Fairfax, Va.) / *YOU MIGHT NEED TO DO SOME SHOPPING . . . . . . if your last meal was lemon rinds sauted in ketchup with a side of pickled ginger. /(Doug Hamilton, College Park, Md.) / . . . if your last meal was lemon rinds sauted in ketchup with a side of pickled ginger. (Doug Hamilton, College Park, Md.) . . . if all your Jockeys have, beside the official "convenience slot," five or six other equally serviceable apertures. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) . . . if the pit stains on your T-shirts are starting to form stalactites. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) . . . if your underwear ends up in the dryer lint screen. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) . . . if the 7-Eleven won't serve you unless you remove your shirt and shoes. (Robert Falk, Takoma Park, Md., a First Offender) . . . if what you thought was a jar of guacamole is labeled "Miracle Whip." (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) . . . if your current credit rating is "Presumed Dead." (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) . . . when you can't wash your toilet paper one more time. (Bryan Mitra, Salinas, Calif., a First Offender) You might "need" to do some shopping if you are my wife, and today is not the Apocalypse. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) YOU MIGHT BE TOO MUCH OF A CAT PERSON . . . . . . if you interrupt a PowerPoint presentation by batting at the red dot on the screen. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) . . . if your cat gets the Fancy Feast and your children get the kibble. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) . . . if, while receiving affection from a loved one, you suddenly bite her hand and kick at her. (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.) . . . if you had your cat's first hairball bronzed. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.; Page D. Styles, Warrenton, Va., a First Offender) . . . if you prowl around all night, poop in the neighbor's flower bed and scratch on the door at 4 a.m. to be let in. Or you might just be a drunk. (Rob Huffman) . . . if you take along some of Muffin's shed hair to Macy's, to make sure the color matches the outfit. (Jill Fosse, University Park, Md., a First Offender) . YOU MIGHT WANT TO CUT BACK ON THE COFFEE . . . . . . if you get restless halfway through one of Usain Bolt's races. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) . . . if washing down your Dexedrine with 5-Hour Energy doesn't do the trick without a double espresso chaser. (Rachel Bernhardt, Silver Spring, Md.) . . . if you walk into Starbucks and everyone turns and yells, "Norm!" (Seth Tucker; John Glenn) . . . if you watched "Man of Steel" and were unable to get to sleep. (Mark Raffman) . . . if Juan Valdez calls you up and says, "Amigo, we need to talk." (David Ballard, Reston) . . . if when you draw a straight line it comes out looking like Jack Lew's signature. (Danielle Nowlin) . . . if people hold on to you for exercise. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) YoU mighjt wannt to to ct back on the coffee if eVen Ma Mi Microsoft Worpd g ave up t trying ing ing to auto-corrrect you. (Jeanette Donovan, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) YOU MIGHT BE HUMOR-IMPAIRED . . . . . . if you've ever said, "Wait, doesn't Costello understand that the first baseman's actual name is Who?" (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) . . . if you quit reading the Onion because of the depressing headlines. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) . . . if you thought "Airplane!" was the worst disaster movie ever. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) . . . if you've never understood why Curly tolerated such abuse from his brother. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) . . . if you consider PeopleOfWalmart.com to be a poignant photo journal of Middle America. (Kevin Dopart) . . . if you actually took Henny Youngman's wife. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond; Robert Schechter) . . . if you reject the dehumanizing label "humor-impaired" and insist on being called "a person with a humor impairment" (a condition that is not something to joke about anyway). (Steve Edw. Friedman, Washington) Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest for song parodies about movies. See bit.ly/invite1029. See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday) , in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. Next week's results: The Ins and Outs of Buildings, or Architectural Di-Jests, our contest to give matching names to pairs of building features, as in men's and ladies' rooms. ====================================================================== WEEK 1031, published July 28, 2013 Week 1031: The 'Sty'le Invitational: Find a nugget of truth in a word or name By Pat Myers , Thursday, July 25, 1:36 PM *Wai"tress": Often the source of hair in one's soup. /(Meg Sullivan) / *Co"pious":* Describing the amount of phony religiosity in the presidential campaign. /(Mike Genz)/ *Fem"me fat"ale: The transformation made by a changing-room mirror./(Jonathan Paul) / *Donald T"rump":* Donald Trump. /(Elden Carnahan)/ Here's a contest that gave my predecessor the Czar great results in both 2000 and 2001, and the Empress in 2009: Choose any word, name or short term; emphasize a key, suddenly pertinent part of it with quotation marks; then redefine the word,* as in the Losers' examples above from those contests. You may not alter the spelling of the original. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second-place receives a small bag of Holy Crap brand fiber-enriched breakfast cereal, made in British Columbia and sent to us by Sylvia Betts of the Style Invitational Western Canada Bureau. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 5; results published Aug. 25 (online Aug. 22). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1031" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Dave Prevar; the alternative headline in the "Next Week's Contest" line is by Danielle Nowlin. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Important Loserific Announcement:* Last week, with his honorable mention in Week 1026, Elden Carnahan of Laurel sauntered into the Style Invitational Hall of Fame with his 500th blot of ink, the ninth Loser to do so. Elden is essentially the founder of the Invite's Loser community: He not only has kept comprehensive Invitational statistics dating back to Week 1, but he was also the guy who, back in the Invite's infancy in 1993, decided to look up some fellow ink-getters in the phone book and invite them to brunch. Loser Brunches continue monthly to this day; on Aug. 18 it's part of a field trip to Gettysburg. See www.nrars.org for all this stuff. *Report from Week 1027, in which we asked for creative paired names for two related building elements, à la the "Buoys" and "Gulls" restrooms in kitschy seafood joints. The Empress declared right off that she'd be pretty expansive in what would count as a building element. More than a dozen entries suggested that Metro's up and down escalators should officially be named Out of Service and Out of Service. Numerous others said the men's and ladies' rooms at the Westminster Kennel Club should be labeled Pointers and Setters, but only Bob Chell of Brookings, S.D., admitted it wasn't original. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * The restrooms at a Paula Deen "true Southern wedding" : Never mind. /(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)/ *2.* Winner of the weird spiny head massager : The receiving and shipping areas at a Brooklyn warehouse: Gozinta and Gozouta /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *3.* Redskins uniform storage lockers: White and Colored (and no, there's no way they can call them anything else) /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ *4.* Maternity ward doors: Regular Entrance and Cervix Entrance /(Nandini Lal, Bethesda, Md.) / *Paired down: honorable mentions* *MEN'S & WOMEN'S ROOMS . . . At Chris Brown's house: Men and First Aid /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / At an Oktoberfest: Frauleins and No Lines/(Suzanne Austin-Hill, Ruskin, Fla., a First Offender) / At the U.S. Census Bureau: 50.8% and 49.2% /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ At a game show studio: M_N and _OM_N /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)/ At a zoo: Adders and Udders /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ At a garden center: Lattice and Gentians /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ At National Park Service headquarters: Devil's Tower and Grand Tetons /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) / At a comedy club: Standup and Siddown /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ Privies in Henry VIII's chambers: His Majesty and Temp /(Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)/ At a furniture store: Highboys and Settees /(Larry Powers, Falls Church, Va.)/ At a marina: Outboards and Inboards/(Tom Murphy, Bowie, Md.)/ At the MIT computer science department: Men and !Men/(Jeff Contompasis) / Urinals and Stalls at the Dr. Seuss Museum: Thing One and Thing Two /(Jeff Contompasis, Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *OTHERS* The hour and minute hand on the clock in the Motion Picture Academy lobby: Michael Bay and Ingmar Bergman /(Samantha Poyer, Annapolis, Md., a First Offender) / Inboxes and outboxes at the NSA: Taps and Leaks /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ Off-on switch at Al Gore's house: Off and Harmful Emissions /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ Embalming and viewing rooms at a funeral home: Meat and Greet /(Kevin Dopart, on vacation in Naxos, Greece)/ Pumps at a Sicilian gas station: Unleaded and Sonny Corleone/(Danielle Nowlin)/ Department store sections: Self-Esteem-Deflating Imperfection Revealer Wall of Shame, and Men's Swimwear /(Danielle Nowlin)/ Aisles at a Tea Party rally: Right and The Speaker's Right/(Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)/ Door and window in a Wild West saloon: Entrance and Exit /(Doug Hamilton, College Park, Md.) / At a justice of the peace: Front door: Here Comes the Bride. Back door: Here Comes the Bribe. /(Beverley Sharp)/ Outer and inner rings at the Pentagon: Stars and Stripes /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ Entrance and exit doors at an orthopedic office: Cane and Able/(Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)/ First-class and economy-class airplane cabins: Laps of luxury and Lapse of Luxury /(Rick Lempert, Arlington, Va.) / Entrance and exit at the Moscow airport transit area: In and ??? /(Nan Reiner; Scott Poyer, Annapolis)/ A church's choir loft and confessional: Forgive and Forget /(Jeff Contompasis)/ Windows at the Beverly Hills marriage license bureau: Under 72 Days and Long-Term Commitments /(Roy Ashley, Washington) / Entrance doors at Lake Wobegon Elementary: Above Average and Visitors/(Roy Ashley) / Counters at the Hotel California reception desk: Check-In and Closed /(Steve Offutt, Arlington, Va.)/ Signs in a future Colorado vending machine? Dope and Change /(Gary Crockett) / The casino's candy machine has only two products: PayDays and Suckers /(Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)/ The rows of washers and dryers at a D.C. area laundromat: The Humidity and The Heat /(Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.)/ Escalators at the M.C. Escher Museum: Updown and Downup /(Steve Offutt)/ Welcome mats at doors of NSA headquarters: First Amendment, Fourth Amendment, Fifth Amendment /(Mike Gips) / Platforms and farecard machines at the Capitol South Metro station: Ways and Means /(Brendan Beary) / FCC's enforcement divisions for online scams and pornography: Phish and Foul /(Mark Richardson, Washington)/ The Washington Post's main and emergency bathroom supply cabinets: Today's Tissue and Today's Issue/(Beverley Sharp)/ And Last: Tables at a Style Invitational brunch: People Who've Been Cheated Out of Ink and People Who've Never Entered /(Roy Ashley)/ *And a few more from Week 1026* *You might be spending too much time at work if* sleeping with your wife makes you feel guilty about cheating on your secretary. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ *You might need to do some shopping if your "Home of the Whopper" underwear now says "Who."/(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) / *You might be humor-impaired if* you begin your favorite joke,"I presume we're all familiar with the War of Austrian Succession . . . "/(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ *You might be too much of a cat person if all the correspondence you send out, from Christmas cards to tax returns, is signed by you and Muppet and Roari and River Song. /(Robyn Carlson & Muppet & Roari & River Song, Keyser, W.Va., First Offenders)/ *You might want to cut back on the coffee if you completed a prospective employer's thoughts 12 times during a five-minute interview, including ". . . I know, you'll call me." /(Michael Greene, Alexandria) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest for cinquains: five-line, 22-syllable poems. See bit.ly/invite1030 . /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday) , in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Joint Legiflation, or The Olde Bill Game, the Week 1028 variation on our usually biennial contest to create legislation fitting the combined names of two or more members of Congress; this time we're using the First U.S. Congress (1789-91). © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1032, published August 4, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1032: Keep it symbol-stupid; plus the winning 'joint legislation' By Pat Myers , Thursday, August 1, 3:05 PM *The Washington Monument: It has a square base, the four sides representing Truth, Justice, and the American Way, and something else. But! Partway up it changes color, which is illegal immigration, after which the square base gradually shrinks until it disappears at the tip. And the tip is aluminum, which has an atomic number of 13, and there are 13 characters in "Barack H. Obama" . . . Inspired by a recent speech in which Glenn Beck informed his listeners that certain markings on the U.S. dollar bill — a star-shaped arrangement with what seem to be rings around it — demonstrated conclusively that "America was established for the establishment of Israel," Hall of Fame Loser Elden Carnahan suggested this week's contest: Explain the symbolism "obviously" evident in any well-known site, artwork, etc., in 75 words or fewer,* as in Elden's own example above. You may jokingly attribute it to someone else's thinking. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine dried baby blowfish wearing a little straw hat, procured by the Empress herself this summer in a tacky San Francisco souvenir shop. Its pinched mouth, along with the little eyes glued onto it, makes it look like a little bird. A little bird wearing a sombrero. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 12; results published Sept. 1 (online Aug 29). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1032" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Danielle Nowlin; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Howard Walderman. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Report from Week 1028, our usually biennial contest in which you combine the names of two or more freshmen members of Congress to produce "joint legislation" — only this time we used the all-freshman First Congress (1789-91). Among the more than 1,700 entries, the busiest congressman was one Rep. Huger, most often in partnership with, alas, Sen. Johnson. Note: As always, you have to sound out some of the bills to figure them out — and sometimes they're a bit of a stretch (for example, "Hartley-King-Sevier-Lee" in the fourth-place entry means "heart leaking severely"). So if you don't get it, click here for the results accompanied by translations and explanations. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial:* The Johnson-Sevier-Lee-Lee-King bill to establish the key rule for ending a filibuster. /(Doug Hamilton, College Park, Md.)/ *2.* Winner of the stress-reduction squeeze toy in the shape of the Capitol dome: The Tucker-Few-Moore-Wadsworth bill to support business as usual among Virginia governors and D.C. Council members. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *3.* The White-Few-Scott-Moore "1 Percent Solution" bill to establish an enduring division of wealth and power in America. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ *4.* The White-Parker-Ames-Gunn-Brown-Walker-Hartley-King-Sevier-Lee bill to revoke Florida's "stand your ground" law./(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)/ *Low resolutions: honorable mentions* The Sherman-Schureman Resolution to not raise taxes. /(Anne Shively, Broadlands, Va.)/ The Foster-Huger-Partridge-Carroll bill establishing 24 days of Christmas. /(Seth Tucker, Washington)/ The Few-Hawkins-Sumter-Read bill for emergency newsstand construction. /(Chuck Blahous, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) / The Brown-Bloodworth-White-Gunn amendment, clarifying which takes precedence if the Second and 14th Amendments ever are in conflict./(Danny Bravman, Chicago)/ The Bourne-Bland bill to establish a Romney family museum. /(Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)/ The King-Lee-Johnson-Izard-Lee-Huger bill to affirm the equality of royalty and the common folk./(Doug Hamilton)/ The Jackson-Paterson Proposition to revisit charges of inappropriate conduct by the King of Pop. /(Craig Dykstra)/ The Moore-Brown-Butler bill to commemorate the contributions of Paula Deen./(Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)/ The Boudinot-Johnson Act to determine the types of nudity permitted to be shown on basic cable. /(Tom Rowe, Olney, Md., a First Offender)/ The Parker-Muhlenberg Act to construct urban hitching posts. /(Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)/ Monroe-Foster-Steele-Moore-Lee-King Jamaican Shipbuilding Assistance Act. /(Lisa Henderson, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ Bassett-Walker Act to provide jobs for height-challenged Americans. /(Todd Petree, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) / The Walker-Clymer-Boudinot-Huger stay-in-shape resolution. /(Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) / The Lee-Moore-Lee resolution to add another dozen historical markers in Virginia. /(Joy Sibley, Fairfax, Va.) / The Maclay-Gunn Act to investigate the high percentage of escapes from prisons that give pottery classes. /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)/ The Lee-Lee-White anti-immigration resolution./(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.; Scott Boller, Centreville, Va., a First Offender)/ TheMorris-Moore Resolution decrying minimalist architecture./(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Carol Ostrow, Laurel, Md.) / The Laurance-Livermore-Huger-Steele-Gunn appropriations bill to develop intercontinental cannonball technology before the British do. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ The Huger-Johnson bill to erect the Washington Monument./(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)/ The Ames-Brown-Hawkins Act to keep the congressional cuspidors cleaner. /(Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) / The Huger-Lee-Izard Act to increase defense spending to prevent Godzilla attacks. /(Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)/ The Walker-Tucker-Clymer Act to encourage our young men to increase the population of this great nation by any means possible. /(Andy Promisel, Fairfax, Va.; Mark Raffman)/ The Brown-Clymer Act, making it illegal to engage in sycophantic behavior for career advancement./(Dawn Kral, La Plata, Md., a First Offender)/ The Grayson-Brown-Scott-Moore-White Act granting a patent to the inventor of laundry detergent./(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / The Huger-Ashe amendment to require slender womenfolk to wear bustles./(Andrea Kelly, Ashton, Md.)/ The Tucker-Boudinot resolution to promote the wearing of thongs with a "Just Say Yes to Crack" campaign. /(Randy Lee, Burke, Va.)/ The Lee Izard King Resolution: Decrying congressional deadlock, since the "time to hesitate is through; no time to wallow in the mire." /(Russ Taylor, Vienna, Va.,) / The Contee-Read-Page Act to prohibit stupid questions about the bill at issue during floor debates. /(Danielle Nowlin)/ The Partridge-Bourne-Gunn Act to outlaw frightening new drone technology./(Doug Hamilton)/ The Sevier-Lee-White-Boudinot-Goodhue Act to promote nude sunbathing. /(Tom Rowe) / The Wadsworth-Morris-Goodhue-Moore Act to declare, "Give us levity or give us death!" /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / The Thatcher-Gunn Resolution that if you see something, say something./(Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.) / The White-Johnson Act establishing minimum qualifications for election to the Second Congress/(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)/ Few-Read-Elmer-Lee-Dickinson legislation to support goofy hick relatives of poets. /(Todd Petree)/ The Schureman-Sherman bill to change affirmative votes from "aye" to something more mellow. /(Tim Watts, Reston, Va., a First Offender) / The Bland-Strong-Clymer-Parker Act allowing NSA to reveal superheroes' identities. /(Kevin Dopart) / The Grayson-Madison-Parker Resolution to encourage continued use of trendy baby names. This resolution is opposed by the writers of the Elmer-Floyd-Silvester Resolution, who advocate a return to the basics./(Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.) / The Few-Moore-Read-Page Resolution commending the Sunday Style section for putting the Invitational on the back cover. /(Gary Crockett) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest for words within words. See bit.ly/invite1031 . /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday) , in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Ditty Harry? or Cinema Parodies, Oh!, the Week 1029 contest to write a plot summary or description of a movie, set to a well-known tune. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1033, published August 11, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1033: LimeriXicon: Our 10th limerick/dictionary contest, plus parodies By Pat Myers , Published: August 8 *Father John's an unfortunate bearer Of some news that, by rites, should be rarer. Seems a test will reveal He's a father for real — The result of a clerical error. /(Chris Strolin)/ It's our 10th (!!) annual Limerixicon, in which we aid the never-ending quest of Mr. Chris Strolin (actually he expects to finish in 2043) to complete his Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, one sliver of the alphabet at a time. When we last checked in with Chris last August, he and his crew of contributors and editors (some of them denizens of the Loser Community as well) were working on "eq-" through "ez-" words; now, with more than 80,000 five-liners in the canon: *Supply a humorous limerick significantly featuring any English word, name or term beginning with "fa-,"* as in Chris's example above from Limerixicon IV, when he submitted it for "clerical." See wapo.st/limrules for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell: "perfect" rhyme, and a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm in Lines 1, 2 and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; plus "weak" syllables on either side). See oedilf.com about submitting limericks there after this contest is over. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, in commemoration of this week's "fa-" theme, the fine volume "Farts: A Spotter's Guide," a colorful board book that features nine electronic sound effects depicting (not too believably) "the Seismic Blast," "the Sleeping Dog," etc. At least it doesn't also have smell effects. Donated by Pie Snelson. Video of the Empress trying out the various buttons — in the middle of a nice restaurant during a monthly Loser brunch — is at bit.ly/fartbook . *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 19; results published Sept. 8 (online Sept. 5). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1033" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Danielle Nowlin; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Report from Week 1029, in which we asked you to summarize or otherwise describe a movie, using a well-known tune: Most of the parodies below include links to hear the melody on a video clip (just click on the title). There were far too many funny, clever, well-crafted parodies for anyone to read in one sitting, since for each parody, you really have to listen to each line of the song, even in your own mind. Some I include as excerpts from a multi-verse song, but I will also be sharing non-inking parodies through the month, one at a time, on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial:* *"Porky's" to "Be Our Guest" from "Beauty and the Beast": See a chest! See a chest! Tops are coming off with zest! We're awaiting an R-rating When we show another breast! Lots of girls! Lots of pranks! We'll accept your humble thanks, We are loading up the sleaze Because we only aim to please! There's not much plot to enjoy But for every teenage boy We deliver what you need to be impressed, So bring your fake ID, You'll holler out with glee And see a chest! See a chest! See a chest! /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *2.* Winner of the mini-bottle of Laotian potion with a scorpion inside: *"1984" to "Getting to Know You" from "The King and I": Getting to know you, getting to know all about you, 'Cause we have cameras watching whatever you do; Getting to know you, we can control you quite nicely; That is precisely our plan, it's true! Getting to know you; you'll never feel free and easy; We are recording e-ver-y word that you say; Haven't you noticed? Suddenly you're feeling queasy, Because we're pros at wiretapping your flat; Guess who taught us to do that? NSA! /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ *3.* "World War Z" to "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" :* Zombies in Utah, Zaire and Bombay, My oh my, they're just chomping away! But they'll avoid you if you're real sick, so hey! Terminal illness? Your lucky day! Mr. Brad Pitt had a notion: Give us all diseases — That'll bring them to their kneeses! Now I've got typhus, feel less than okay, Think that I'd rather be an undead gourmet. /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) / *4. "Lincoln" to "Mame" (start video clip at 0:39): You freed the slaves and ended the war, Abe. You wear a hat that we all adore, Abe. Who ever thought you'd marry A wife that looks like Gidget (what a babe!) The critics hold no malice towards Your film that's won a few awards. Too bad you had to go to Ford's, Abe./(Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.)/ *Nyetflix: honorable mentions* *"Despicable Me" to "Embraceable You" (starts at 0:50) He's heinous,a mean Despicable Me. Insaneness is seen explicable-ly. He will steal, and maim, and show some silliness, too; Little girls can tame the evil villainous Dru. The minions don't say a lot when they speak. Opinions are that the plot's really weak. And when the movie's over, you'll be sorry that the story's through Until "Despicable 2."/(Kathy Hardis Fraeman) / *"Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," to "Come Together" *Gather 'round, children, and I'll Tell you a story 'bout a Long time ago: Good people Went to the Senate; they would Fight special interests, stick up for what's right, If it meant they had to stand up speaking all night. Filibuster "" out loud "" Mr. Smith. / (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *"Jaws," to "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing"* Shark! The townies start to blee-eed, But the mayor's full of greed! Despite that girl's severed hand, He won't pay Old Quint 10 grand. Scheider calls forth righteous rage! Dreyfuss ends up in a cage! Their prey causes Roy to note: "You're gonna need a bigger boat." Shark! This is the one to see: Stay a-away from "Jaws 3-D." /(Rob Pivarnik, Stratford, Conn.) / *"Casablanca," to "The Addams Family" There's drinking and there's gambling, And moralistic rambling. The cats and mice are scrambling At Rick's Américain. There's politics, collusion, Triangular confusion; We wait for the conclusion At Rick's Américain. . . . Blocked. [Laszlo] . . . Crocked. [Rick gets drunk] . . . Shocked! [Renault] So come to Casablanca. The Nazis will say "Danke." But that's not the lingua franca At Rick's Américain. /(David Franks, Greenland, Ark.)/ *"Gone With the Wind" to "Happy Days Are Here Again" Yankee soldiers came today; They took our pigs and cows away. All the slaves are shouting, "Hip Hooray!" Bad idea, this CSA. We hid the good stuff in a shed; They put a pistol to my head; "Take the silverware and hold the lead." Bad idea, the Old Confed. /(Lee Ballard, Mars Hill, N.C.)/ *"Sophie's Choice" to "Did You Ever Have to Make Up Your Mind" Did you ever have to make up your mind? And say yes to one and leave the other behind It's such a nasty crime, you don't want to voice: Did you ever have to make Sophie's choice? /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)/ *"The Social Network" to "Dancing Cheek to Cheek" Facebook, I'm on Facebook, So I've come to see this film about a geek, Though he's dorky, sometimes rude, yet sweet and meek. He's got the whole thing up and running in a week. Facebook, I watch Facebook, As its founder takes his start-up to the peak, Watching every change and twist and turn and tweak, And it's hard not to admire his technique. Oh, he doesn't blink to double-cross The members of his clique Or the clubby brothers Winklevoss, Yet I have one critique: By the end it's clear he's been the cause Of a quite impressive streak, But I'd still unfriend this jerk because He's one controlling freak. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ *"Saw" to "Every Breath You Take" *Every breath you take, every bone you break, Every toe you bake, every limb you stake, Jigsaw's watching you. Now your skin turns red as your muscles shred. And you crush your head while you — oops, you're dead; Jigsaw's watching you. It's so obscene to dissect your spleen. Now to change your fate, just self-decapitate! So much blood and gore — organs on the floor. I can't take much more . . . What'd I pick this for? / I'll stop watching you. (Matt Monitto, Silver Spring, Md.) / *"The Godfather" to "I Cain't Say No" from "Oklahoma!" (start at 0:50) I'm just a guy who cain't say no, I'm in a terrible fix! They'll break my knees with just one blow, if I should try to say nix. When a feller needs a favor done, Don Corleone's happy to react; Then and there, you owe your life to him... And just because you wanted someone whacked! If there's an offer I refuse, I can't retract what I've said... I'll find a horse in my bed. (And it will be just the head...) I cain't say no./(Beverley Sharp)/ *"Groundhog Day" to "As Time Goes By" She won't remember this: That yesterday the kiss Phil tried was not okay. He gets the chance to press "replay" On Groundhog Day. Each morn he wakes anew To find he can redo The things that went astray. A different man's pursuing Rita Each Groundhog Day. Blunders in wooing he makes on every date, Daily debuting a slightly better mate. At billing and cooing he's doing really great. /(Il parle bien français.) / This Punxsutawney story, A time loop allegory, Gives Phil a brilliant way To reinvent himself for Rita On Groundhog Day. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / *"Groundhog Day" to "The Song That Never Ends" This is the day that never ends As Phil the weatherman expends His time discovering that when you've got a stunted soul And women wish that, rodentlike, you'd crawl back in your hole , This is the day that never ends . . . /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, .N.Y..)/ *"Annie Hall," to "If I Only Had a Heart" When your name is Alvy Singer And your face is a dead ringer For Woody Allen, you. . . Would deduce and discover that you're not the perfect lover If you only had a clue. You may wow her with your banter And your wisecracks may enchant her As wisecracks often do. But although she'll bewitch you, you'd have known she would ditch you If you'd only had a clue. Annie Hall, so fair and tall, and Alvy plain and short. "La-di-da," comes her retort. "I cannot stay. I love L.A.!" Life's a painful, sad contortion And we get too small a portion. It was obviously true That when you dated Annie she would toss you on your fanny, but you didn't have a clue./(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ *"Finding Nemo" to "Love and Marriage" Finding Nemo, Finding Nemo, It's as tricky as a Ponzi scheme. Oh, This angelic clownfish Is suddenly an out-of-town fish. So extreme, oh, poor young Nemo, Flound'ring unaware outside his stream, o- Blivious to others, Was whisked away, against his druthers. He with tiny tail a-swishin', Non compos mentis, He was placed without permission In the fish tank of a dentis'! Precious little clownfish Nemo, Will he ever realize his dream? Oh, It's a charming stor y, Complete with quirky tang named -Dory. /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ *"An Inconvenient Truth" to "Just the Way You Are" Don't go payin' four dollars fifty To put a gallon in your tank, mmm-hmm, The hydrocarbons destroy the ozone While OPEC's laughing at the bank. And if you're wondering where this is headed, You don't have to look that far, mmm-hmm. The world is doomed by global warming Unless you just give up your car. /(Mark Raffman)/ "Sally Hemings: An American Scandal" to "White Christmas" I'm dreaming of my black mistress -- You know, the one I'm glad I own. Oh, her soft lips glisten; I can't help kissin' My dear Sal when we are alone. I'm dreaming of my black mistress — Who says you can't buy love outright? May she be free (but just at night)! And may all our children pass for white./(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge)/ *"The Lord of the Rings" to "All the Single Ladies" /Excerpts from an epic-length parody:/ All the single hobbits! All the single hobbits. All the Scottish Dwarves now! All the Scottish Dwarves now. . . Gandalf is frantic, Gollum so manic, Saurons's lookin' for his Ring. Give wraiths the slip-Pip, take a little trip-Pip, Mount Doom's just the thing. . . If you like it then you shouldn't put the Ring in it. It's my Precious; whoops -- Smeagol put the Ring in it. We got a throne; so we should put a king in it. Epic flick, wow got, like, three endings in it. Oh-oh, Gollum. /(Jay Cummings, Greenbelt, Md.)/ *"Wall-E" to "I Love Trash" * (excerpt) Oh, I move trash! After centuries of mankind's excesses, They've left me to clean up their messes,, So I move trash! I'm a robot compactor of unit class Wall-E, I clean up the residue of human folly; At night I sit back and rewatch "Hello, Dolly!" By day I go out and move trash!/(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)/ *The new "Lone Ranger" to "Piano Man"* It's the 6 o'clock show on a Saturday (Which begins, after "First Look," 'round 9) When a boomer sits down right here next to me And pretty quick starts in to whine. He says, "Son, I come for a memory. But that ain't the Ranger's ol' spread., And how come a crow's up there makin' love To the top of Jay Silverheels' head?" /(Larry Neal, McLean, Va.)/ *"Psycho" to "Norman" Janet wanted to help her beau Stole some dough, had to go. Tried to hide at a no-tell mo- Tel run by Norman. Norman's mama said "She's a slut!" Janet didn't make the cut Turned out Mama was in a rut 'Cause Mom was Norman!/(Denise Sudell, Cheverly, Md.)./ *"Hamlet" to "The Major-General's Song" He is the very model of an indecisive Danish bloke. He can't decide if he should live or end his life with just one stroke. He wonders, is it nobler in the mind to suffer fortune's slings? The issue is nobody knows the consequence that dying brings! If death were just an end to pain and heartache and a thousand shocks Then surely he would end his life and lie down in a plain pine box. The rub may be the pain of life is better than what dreams may come, Enough to make a suicide in retrospect feel awfully dumb. For otherwise who'd bear the whips and scorns of time, the law's delay, and who would bear a fardel when we all know how much fardels weigh? The native hue of resolution's sicklied o'er with casts of thought. O Hamlet, put away your knife until your father's killer's caught! It might have been a fantasy, the words his father's phantom spoke, So he's the very model of an indecisive Danish bloke. /(Robert Schechter)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest to discover secret meanings and symbolism in public structures, artwork, etc. See bit.ly/invite1032 .* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: That Cinquain Feeling, or Hars Poetica, our Week 1030 contest, in which we sought irreverent verses in this often treacly five-line form. © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1034, published August 18, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1034: Are you funnier than a Scottish computer? Plus winning cinquains By Pat Myers , Thursday, August 15, 3:57 PM "I like my women like I like my gas: natural." "I like my men like I like my court: superior." "I like my men like I like my acorns: buried." It's a well-worn trope, to be sure. And it's such a simple formula that the above examples were actually composed by a computer at the University of Edinburgh. Okay, they're not thrillingly funny, but it's a British computer and British humor sometimes eludes us. Besides, the deposed Czar of the Style Invitational, the Empress's predecessor, has bet her a lunch that she'll get a classic set of results out of this contest he suggested. So feed a Czar today:*Supply an original joke of the form "I like my [your choice] the way I like my [something else of your choice]: [some clever, funny parallel]." Your parallel doesn't have to be just one word, as in the machine's examples. You may even substitute "like/like" with "something else A/something else A," as long as the general form is still clear. How to make your humor Invite-fresh? Take the advice of David Matthews, who helped develop the Scottish electrocomedian: As he told the Telegraph, "The holy grail for machine-generated comedy would be to include cultural references, but these are very hard to capture." Go capture some. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the two grotesque rubbery finger puppets pictured here, ably modeled by the infinitely agreeable Donna Peremes of the Style section staff. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 26; results published Sept. 15 (online Sept. 12). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1034" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Another Invite milestone:* With this week's cinquains, the astonishingly clever wordsmith Chris Doyle has blotted up his 1,500th drop of Invite ink, joining only the legendary Loser Russell Beland(who's been holding at 1,523) in the Triple Hall of Fame. Chris, the chief actuary for the Defense Department before retiring some years ago, started Inviting in earnest in 2000 and rapidly saw his name in parentheses in contest after contest, using his ingenious punmanship in everything from limericks to obituary poems to situational humor (What to say when you realize your zipper's been open: "Sorry, I thought this was Casual Fly Day"). In honor of Chris's induction, I've asked him to list his 10 favorite entries from over the years. You can see them in my Style Conversational column at bit.ly/conv1034 . *Report from Week 1030, a contest for cinquains: Originated a century ago by the melancholy, ill-fatedMi ss Adelaide Crapsey , the cinquain is a five-line verse with two syllables in the first line, four in the second, then six, then eight, then two. Among the thousand-plus entries, the Empress received a number from people who clearly didn't realize that the Style Invitational is a humor contest: Some were dead-serious "poetic" gushings associated with the Crapsey form; others were screedy rants decrying avaricious profiteers in the banking industry. But most people got it, and some people aced it: *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: Weiner — "Carlos Danger"! — Rears his head in hubris. Doesn't need our votes, he needs a New bris. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *2.* Winner of the Pukin' Paul solar-powered bobblehead : * Michael Bloomberg took flak From New York's Big Gulpers, But won't issue any mayor Culpas. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / *3.* "Redskins": Never has a Word been so abhorrent To so many, but so valued By one. /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)/ *4.* Putin As president Controls all the ground that His political rivals are Put in. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ *The cinqhole: honorable mentions* Ayn Rand's Replaced Lincoln Within the GOP. Atlas sees the House divided And shrugs. /(Miles Moore, Alexandria, Va.)/ / Jack Be NIMBY/ Although My backyard won't Quite do for producing Phthalates, bisphenols and vinyl, Thine'll. /(Peg Hausman, Vienna, Va.)/ Love means Never having To say you are sorry Yet often still finding it a Smart move./(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) / /Jonathan Mann, Dodo/ He's the Malaprop Mann, Who, to CNN's woes, Talked of the extinct "dildos," not Dodos. /(Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) / "They're all Married or gay," Went the single gals' sigh. Now, of course, they can be married And gay. /(Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)/ Snowden Didn't know then He'd find himself snowed in When the offers that once flowed in Ended. /(Frank Mann, Washington)/ Watch out In summertime At a seaside resort: You can get burned by a sun of A beach. /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ I can't Help but wonder How much Danger we would Have known if Weiner's wiener were Wee-er. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / Let's sing "New York, New York" If the voters there choose Weiner as mayor: Start spreading The ewws! /(Chris Doyle) / Shakespeare, Quite unshaken By claims that someone else Wrote his plays, said: " 'Twas /I /who wrote Bacon!" /(Brian Allgar, Paris)/ /McDonnell on the Move /Bob'll Start to wobble; Clinging to his job'll Flee to somewhere free from squabble: Kabul. /(Nan Reiner)/ "I have Established a Charity for Russian Radiation victims," said Cher Nobly. /(Chris Doyle)/ Oh, doom! They told me so, But it was long ago. It turns out it's not who you know! It's whom. /(Neal Starkman, Seattle)/ An old Smith-Corona Manual neither Saves Nor Deletes, nor Games, but it's just My type. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ /Abbreviated Anthem/ Oh, say, Can you see by The early light of dawn? Flag flies! Fort stands! We win! You lose! Rock on! /(Randy Arndt, Clarksville, Md., a First Offender)/ A place So desolate, So dark no sun shines there — Deep, deep. A place for you to put This job. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ Lincoln. Night on the town. Good play, good seats, good view. What else could a president want? Act Two. /(Jim Blizzard, Alexandria, Va.)/ One day All of mankind Will learn to live as one. But today, that's MY parking space, Jackass. /(Craig Dykstra)/ /Weiner's Stump Speech/ "I may Not speak softly (It's not my New York style) But you sure know I carry a Big stick." /(Robert Schechter)/ My dog Knows if you want A friend in Washington, Don't court a member of Congress. They bite. /(Linda Neighborgall, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender)/ Impress Post editors? Craft insightful letter. Impress discerning Post Empress? Poop joke. /(Stan Capper, Waldorf, Md., a First Offender)/ /Style Invitational Want Ad/ Writers: Here's your dream job! You pick your own hours. Each new week brings a fun challenge! (Pay? Uh . . .) /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: our annual Limerixicon contest, this year for limericks prominently featuring a word beginning with "fa-": See bit.ly/invite1033 /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: The 'Sty'le Invitational, or Taking a C'loser' Look, our Week 1031 contest, in which we asked you to find appropriate words inside other words. © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1035, published August 25, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1035: In toon with the news in the Empress's 500th column By Pat Myers , Published: August 22 Five hundred Style Invitational contests ago today, the anonymous Czar had some news to tell. But for a journalist, he sure didn't get his point across very clearly. His news was that starting with the next week's contest, Week 536 (Dec. 14, 2003), the Czar would be outta here, replaced by an equally anonymous Empress (I didn't get named on this page until 2011). But instead of just telling readers, the Czar offered a contest: He had Bob Staake draw five cartoons, each featuring Bob looking insane, along with something cryptic going on. The contest: Explain what news Bob was trying to communicate. Here are the results. Nobody guessed that the cartoon with Sistine Chapel Adam all alone meant "the Creator has disappeared!" (the Czar was not excessively modest), but as always, there were plenty of funny, better answers, which you can see by enlarging your screen (click the Ctrl and + keys simultaneously). Anyway, this is the Empress's 500th column, and Bob is still here to draw us cryptic cartoons, even if we have no earth-shaking news to report today; as far as we know, Jeff Bezos doesn't have it in for us yet. This week: Explain what news Bob is trying to tell in any of the drawings above. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a super double prize: the fabulous "Eat-a-Bug Cookbook," featuring lavishly illustrated recipes for such dishes as Sweet and Sour Silkworm and Cream of Katydid Soup; as well as, for those who like their bugs ready to eat, a little box of cheddar-flavored Larvets Worm Snax, identified as "genuine insect larva" and looking a lot like mealworms. The Larvets were donated by Bruce Alter. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 3 (you may skip laboring on Labor Day); results published Sept. 22 (online Sept. 19). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1035" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Report from Week 1031, in which we asked you to find pertinent words inside other words or names: *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial:* *Ameri"can":* A butt larger than a size 18. /(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)/ *2. /Winner of the Holy Crap brand Canadian cereal :/ *Linke"din":* A thousand .connection requests from people you've never heard of. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / 3 M"ale":* What's inside a guy after a night of too much drinking; *fe"male":* What's inside a girl after a night of too much drinking. /(Lela Martin, Midlothian, Va., a First Offender) / *4 . Compe"nsa"tion:* Fringe benefit entitling one to a multiweek stay at the Moscow airport. /. (Yuki Henninger, Vienna, Va.)/ *Ho'no'rable mentions* *R"egret": It often arrives when the bluebird of happiness has flown. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *Se"cret in"gredient: A common marketing ploy targeting the pathologically gullible. /(David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) / *Cr"usa"der: Someone who expects the rest of the world to share his values. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ *Ce"rebel"lum: The part of the brain that kicks in when kids hit their teens./(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / *Ini"quit"y:* The Capitals' playoff performances. /(Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.)/ *H"andboo"k: "How to Be a New York Sports Fan." /(Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.)/ *Ichth"yolo"gy: Hey, there are lots of fish in the sea. /(Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) / *Melli"flu"ous:* Description of the low, sexy quality of your voice just before it gives out entirely. /(Larry Powers, Falls Church, Va.)/ *P"resent":* A gift you feel pressured into giving. /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) / *Wa"shroom":* A poorly ventilated lavatory./(Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.)/ *"Aw"ard: The trophy the team gives to the schlumpy kids just for participating. /(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) / *Feat"herbra"in:* A woman whose attractions are not those of the mind. /(Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) / *C"hate"au:* Your neighbors' newly expanded McMansion. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ *E"ducat"ion: Where local tax money goes. /(Greg Arnold, Herndon) / *So"cialis"m:* Political theory focused on the rise of the masses. /(Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) / *B"eh"ind:* An unimpressive posterior. /(Denise Sudell, Cheverly, Md.) / *Au"tomato"n:* She looked so hot yet turned out so cold. /(Mae Scanlan, Washington) / *Ex"huma"tion: Are there any more skeletons left to uncover, Anthony? /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ *St"retch":* The first course of action on the morning after. /(Kristen Rowe, Silver Spring, Md.) / *Bud"get off"ice:* Bureaucrats who delight in denying your expense request. (/Samara Firebaugh, Annapolis, Md., a First Offender) / *Bak"sheesh":* A miserly tip. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / *P"arse"c:* The distance across Your Mama's backside. /(Jeff Contompasis) / *"Har"dship: A first-world problem. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *Walm"art":* "Dogs Playing Poker." /(Christopher Lamora, Arlington, Va.) / *Synchronized s"wimmin"g:* You don't think /guys /would watch it, do you? /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ *Frank"fur"ters: Hot dogs left in the back of the fridge too long. /(Mark Raffman)/ *Z"omb"ie: Someone who's read the federal budget cover to cover. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) / *R"and Pa"ul: If he became president, he might bring some extra baggage to the White House. /(John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)/ *Limba"ugh":* An American embar-rassment. /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)/ *T"rouse"rs:* How you know he's happy to see you. /(Chris Doyle) / *Bos"om":* Something that holds mystical power over men and is often the object of intense concentration. /(Tom Witte)/ *Disc"loser":* Edward Snowden. /(Jeff Contompasis)/ *Jo"urn"ey:* The final trip. /(Mae Scanlan) / *W"ash"ington Post:* Another one bites the dust. /(Dayna Fellows, Bethesda, Md.)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our Week 1034 contest, "I like my X the way I like my Y." See bit.ly/invite1035.* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Keep It Symbol-Stupid, or Signs Fiction , our Week 1032 contest, which asked you to tell us about "obvious" symbolism or hidden messages in public places — obvious if you're a nut case, that is. © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1036, published September 1, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1036: Just for liffs — turn a place name into a new word By Pat Myers , Thursday, August 29, 2:31 PM Anchorage: The often inane banter you hear on the evening news. (Mike Hammer) Bora Bora: A tiresome person who keeps repeating himself. (Paul Kondis) Assateague: The condition in which one tires of sitting in the same position for too long. (Bob Sarecky) Peoria: The ecstatic feeling one gets from relieving a full bladder. (Everybody) They're called liffs — or that's what Douglas Adams and John Lloyd called them in a 1983 book — and the ones above come from the last time the Invitational looked for them, way back in 1996. Not that there are so many new place names to choose from this time, but the Czar gave ink to only 38 liffs for Week 147 (see them at bit.ly/invite150). So: This week: Use a real place name, from anywhere in the world, as a new term. The Empress's hunch: The humor is likely to work better if it's a well-known location. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, given our jet-setting theme, something that reader-not-Loser Eileen Booth found in a Korean teashop: a box of something called Green Apple Vium+; the text is almost all in Korean except for the name and the word "supplement." But a handy diagram shows 12 apples equaling what seem to be six poops. We suggest that the winner just put it on the mantel or something. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener"(FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 9; results published Sept. 29 (online Sept. 26). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1036" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Danielle Nowlin. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. *Report from Week 1032, in which we asked for "hidden messages" in public monuments, artworks and other cultural icons: *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: F is the sixth letter of the alphabet; assigning the other proper numbers gives you F+A+M+I+L+Y = 6+1+13+9+12+25 = 66! There are 6 letters in CIRCUS. So: FAMILY CIRCUS: 666! Now, look at the hidden message in the members of this "wholesome" family: Grand*M*a; Jeff*Y* D*olly; B*AR*fy; K*ittycat; Bi*L*ly; P.J.: Peter J*O*hn; G*R*an*D*dad: *MY DARK LORD! /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond)/ *2. Winner of the dried baby blowfish with hat : *Uranium-Nickel-Tellurium-Darmstadtium-Tantalum-Tellurium-Sulfur-Oxygen-Fluorine-Americium-Erbium-Iodine-Calcium! That's UNiTeDsTaTeSOFAmErICa, clearly the formula for the most dangerous, volatile compound in the world. — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iodine-Radium-Nitrogen /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ *3.* The New York Yankees are Satan's favorite team. You've got A-Rod (No. 13) and Jeter (No. 2) and thus 1+3+2=6. Then you've got a payroll of $231 million — and 2+3+1 = 6. And "Yankee" — how many letters? That's 6-6-6. Damn Yankees, indeed./(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ *4.* Check out his bare-chested getup: he's wearing nothing but jeans with a leather belt, and a big hat. And he's carrying a big shovel — with the tip pointing up. Uh-huh! Finally, there's the start of his name: "S-M: OK"! "ƒIt's as plain as the big, moist nose on his adorable furry face. No, it's not only you! /(Jeff Shirley) / *Guffawlty logic: honorable mentions* The White House is at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. 1600 is not only a square in itself it is a product of two squares, 16 and 100. Pennsylvania is the home of the Quakers and Ben Franklin. Nixon was a Quaker. Do I have to draw you a picture about the Quaker conspiracy to make holy war on the country? /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh)/ Some think the odd curves and edges of the Sydney Opera House convey a secret message, but actually it was originally intended to be shaped like an egg; its current form immortalizes the shame of the intern who delivered the scale model to the builder but failed to secure the box carefully on his bike./(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / Consider "Ulysses Simpson Grant": Ulysses > James Joyce > Jimmy. Simpson > Homer > Ho. Grant > land grant college > Future Farmers of America > FFA. So who's buried in Grant's Tomb? Jimmy-Ho-FFA. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / The Budweiser Clydesdales: These icons engender the warmest of feelings for something considered all-American. Little do people know they are the critical part of the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on consumers. How does Budweiser achieve that golden tone and crisp taste? Well, they don't call them "draft" horses for no reason. — Joseph Schlitz and Adolph Coors, Milwaukee /(Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)/ The Army Department seal hardly needs us to reveal its aims: Note the Smurf's hat on a stick — either the Army is sticking up the hat hoping to draw fire, or it's saying it'll defend the hat and nothing else./(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) / The diamond shape of Washington, D.C., mirrors the two-axis political map of individual liberty vs. economic liberty, with its four corners representing statism (Hitler), liberalism (Rousseau), libertarianism (Paul) and conservatism (Reagan). Combine those initials — H-R-P-R -- and you get that rare phenomenon that transcends ideology in D.C: Bryce Harper, of course. /(Mark Richardson, Washington)/ Our state seal shows the danger facing the Old Dominion! That half-naked Amazon woman, lasciviously baring her breast, trampling the God-given rights of Virginia Gentlemen! That brazen hussy putting a spear through the very heart of our society! Carrying an enormous phallus, symbol of her true desire: the emasculation and ultimate extinction of men! We must keep this monster in her place, chained and pregnant! "" R. McDonnell & K. Cuccinelli, Richmond/(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) / If you take all the capital letters in the preamble to the U.S. Constitution, you get WPUSOUJTWBLPCUSA, which stands for "Within preamble, uncover secret of U.S.: Jefferson told Washington, bomb launchers, plutonium come under Second Amendment." — W. LaPierre (/Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / It just happens to be the 50th anniversary of the benignly named "Zoning Improvement Plan," given that deceptively cute acronym "Zip code." But what is it but a nationwide, door-to-door government surveillance system putting Americans into zones, tracking YOUR correspondence? "Mr. Zip" knows where you live and he has your mail! /(Lorraine McMillan, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) / The letters on Mr. Zip's bag are flat, which indicates an empty bag: USPS is promising to deliver only the one letter Mr. Zip has in his hand. He is smiling because he knows that's all he has to do in one day anyway, according to union rules. And showing him with a dislocated shoulder — from carrying an empty bag? — encourages postal workers to retire on disability for no reason. /(Elden Carnahan) / The W in the Nationals logo is especially curly because they didn't think the logo would properly represent Washington if it didn't include a loophole. /(Danielle Nowlin) / The so-called "scaffolding" on the Washington Monument is clearly meant to portray the Father of Our Nation wearing a condom, and thus to imply that he approved of non-procreative intercourse. The laugh, however, is on the liberals who perpetrated this slander: Historians agree that the wooden condoms of Washington's day were effective promoters of abstinence. /(Gary Crockett)/ And since the symbolism of the Washington Monument is obvious, I guess you can figure out what that makes the Beltway. /(Danielle Nowlin) / Did you know that "Jeffrey" starts with the same two letters as "Jehovah"? And that "Bezos" could rhyme with "Jesus"? So if you put the two together you have a combination worthy of great reverence and respect. Not that anyone is sucking up . . . /(Mark Raffman) / *And Last: Pat Myers's name contains the anagram "pay me," which explains the key to getting ink. /(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) / *Still running — deadline Tuesday night — is our cartoon-caption contest. See bit.ly/invite1035 . /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: LimeriXicon , or Fa- Be It From Us ,*, our annual contest for limericks featuring words from one specific sliver of the alphabet — this year it's words beginning with fa-. © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1037, published September 8, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1037: Be offended by a name that's not offensive By Pat Myers , Thursday, September 5, 5:13 PM Washington Nationals? Note that several of their players come from the Dominican Republic, Venezuela and Colombia! The name is yet another example of presumptuous U.S. cultural hegemony. I propose that team be called the Internationals, or perhaps the Western Hemispherans . . . Jujubes: Wikipedia notes that the original versions did "not have the strong and distinctive flavor of modern candies due to the expense of chemical flavorants at the time." Thus this name brazenly perpetuates the insidious stereotype that Jews are cheap and miserly . . . As momentum builds in the effort to get the Washington Redskins to change their name to something that's not seen as a racial slur by large numbers of Native Americans, it's time for the ranks of the more easily offended to step up with some new complaints about names. Loser Mike Gips — and shouldn't we be calling him Mike Roma? — suggested this week's contest: Find something offensive about an inoffensive name of a product, organization, place, etc., as in Mike's own examples above. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, appropriately for this contest, A book called "Holy Sh*t [sic]: The World's Weirdest Comic Books," which samples everything from "Hansi; The Girl Who Loved the Swastika" to "All-Negro Comics." Donated by Loser Pie Snelson, who notes that "this book is offensive to almost everybody: African Americans, Jews, gays, amputees, Aborigines, overweight people, religious followers and cows." Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 16; results published Oct. 6 (online Oct. 3). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1037" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "Next week's contest" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. *Report from Week 1033, our 10th annual Limerixicon contest for limericks that prominently feature words from one sliver of the dictionary, in this case "fa-." If you entered and got ink, entered and didn't get ink, or just thought of a fa- limerick right now, you're welcome to submit it to OEDILF.com, the Omnificient English Dictionary in Limerick Form. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: A physicist/humorist, Nell, Had a comedy show where she'd tell Of her spreadsheeting gaffes — It drew thousands of laughs Because farce* equals math times Excel . /(Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.)/ *2. Winner of the audio-enhanced book "Farts: A Spotter's Guide"): * Shaping cookies like books? Oh, what fun! Call them "bookies," and when they are done, Eat 'em up . . . Drat! Or not! Guess my oven's too hot Set at Fahrenheit* 451. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / *3.* In the bleachers, a Nats-loving man Got distracted when outfielder Span At bat, on the mark, Whacked one out of the park, And that's when the hit hit the fan.* /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ *4.* The French strippers know pleasing the rubes Is more art form than flashing one's boobs, As opposed to the Dutch, Who will show you so much You can see their fallopian tubes.* /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ *Fa- below: honorable mentions* After reading a scathing review, A young fashion* designer withdrew Her perfume, taking blame For not vetting the name Of the scent called Chanel No. 2. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex) / There once was a cook named McMurry Who earned a large raise in a hurry From her Indian boss For a*fabulous sauce. And she did it by favoring* curry. /(Kirk Miller, Richardson, Tex., a First Offender)/ Mr. Weiner did not think it wrong, But some Internet rules are quite strong. So his fans* became vexed When he sent out a text And he made his attachment too long. /(Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) / The fattoush of my girlfriend? Oh, my, it Is wonderful — why don't you try it?" Said Jamil, and I gasped. Well, how could I have grasped It's a salad she makes for his diet? /(Sheila Blume, South Setauket, N.Y.)/ The graduate shielded his face* From the couple's impassioned embrace. As they sweated and thrusted. He said, quite disgusted: "You win, Mom "" I'll get my own place." /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) / That he's wordy is past all debate. Even so, I'll say Faulkner* is great Without any repentance; Just read this one sentence!(It's Chapters 6, 7 and 8.) /(Brendan Beary)/ A grammar fanatic* would gripe To his wife about language, and snipe: "Ugh, your syntax is bad!" She'd respond, really mad: "I'll divorce you if down you don't pipe." /(Madeleine Begun Kane, New York) / I have hundreds of friends; come and greet them! To my deep and dark secrets I treat them! Why this awesome amount? It's my Facebook account! And who knows? Maybe someday I'll meet them./(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / I once knew a blonde, fit and tanned, Who had breasts that were really quite grand. When I asked, "Are they*fake*?" She said, "No! Goodness' sake! I made sure that I got a name brand." (/Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.)/ A Brooklyn bar owner,*fastidious,* Had barmaids whose outfits were hidious. While pouring some stout, He chewed them both out: "Shape up, or I'm gonna get ridious." /(Mae Scanlan) / At a Mexican fat farm one day, All the staff went on strike for more pay. When a dieting guest Asked how he had progressed, The attendant said: "No weigh, Jose." /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / There once was a mufti, Emir, Who issued a fatwa* quite clear: "His beard can be short, But she really can't sport A form-fitting burqa that's sheer." /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / Mom's on Metro? Her babe didn't care, So she had to give birth then and there. Some time later, she shared, "I admit, I was scared . . . I'd be stuck there till I paid his fare*." /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) / To Abe Lincoln the project seemed nice, Till apprised of his face*-carving's price On a cliff in Dakota; From Heaven, he wrote, "A Tad dear — won't a photo suffice?" /(Roger Dunn, Dartmouth, England, a First Offender ) / After nursing in trains, planes and Camrys, In bistros, malls, playgrounds, and clammeries, The things that I bet I will never forget Are my babies' teeth—*fangs for the mammaries. /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)/ At vegan cafes, trumpets blare Proclaiming the "moral food" there. Yes, it tastes rather bland, But the ethics are grand! (Or so says the fair-fare fanfare.*) /(Mark Richardson, Washington)/ Why's the poo down our loos getting stuck? There's a mass of unspeakable muck In the sewer, concealed — A fatberg * congealed, And as big as a bus, buster! Yuck. /(Russell Goldflam, Alice Springs, Australia, a First Offender) / When the man took his vow as a friar, He withheld that his name was Sid Meyer. But the monks became skittish When he cursed them in Yiddish. It turns out he's a big two-*faithed* liar. /(Neal Starkman, Seattle) / In Prague, hear the Hapsburg king shout, "Make those Protestant barons clear out, With their defenestrations!" "Oh, Sire, show some patience "" You've just had a wee falling-out!*" /(Brendan Beary) / In his car, Lester wanted to show His pal Morris how fast* they could go. As he raced with the train He tried something insane And so now there's no Les and no Moe. /(Craig Dykstra)/ "The true Southern weddings require Black waiters in formal attire," Said the fatty*-food Deen As she went from the queen Of the frying pan into the fire. /(Chris Doyle)/ As people get older, they*fade*, Like blossoms too deep in the shade. They droop, become faint, What they were, now they ain't, And all of a sudden, they're daid. /(Mae Scanlan)/ /Australian state MP Peter Dowling resigns: /Would one call Dowling's sexting salacious And the his hunger for intrigue rapacious? He pickled his bingbong In wine — what a dingdong! Surely claims of his taste are fallacious.* /(Diane Wah, Seattle) / You are shifty, dear Rush — i.e., louche; You're repellent in manner — farouche;* And we all can agree, From Paree to D.C., As a bag, you're the type known as douche. /(Ann Martin, Falls Church)/ To love father and sister and brother, Or Granny, niece, uncle and mother: It's surely no sin To love family* and kin, Well, except how we're into each other. /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)/ There was nobody braver or smarter Than Luke, with the heart of a martyr. Darth cried, "I'm your dad!" Luke replied, "You smell bad." "But I told you," said Darth. "I'm your farter!*" /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) / Mom taught us to always have class, "Be a euphemist! Never be crass!" But then my old granny, Said, "Rump, derrière, fanny? "They're just fancy* ways to say 'ass.''"‚' /(Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) / In my attic "" I stumbled across it, My poster of young Farrah Fawcett*. Since I'm British I'll say, "I shall throw this away," Since it means something else to say "toss it." /(Craig Dykstra) / I'm a horrible failure,* it's true. I never see anything through. Beginnings are fun But before I am done I pretty much lose interest./(Robert Schechter) / Sell The Post to a tech geek? Tee-hee! That's one thing we're unlikely to see. Then along came Jeff Bezos With 2 billion pesos, And now it's a*fait accompli. /(Nan Reiner) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest to turn a place name into a regular word. See bit.ly/invite1036 .* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: What's to Like , or *Har Decisions,*, our contest for jokes giving fresh life to the form "I like my X the way I like my Y." © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1038, published September 15, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1038: Taking the 'plain' out of 'explain,' plus top 'I like my X ...' jokes By Pat Myers Thursday, September 12, 2:03 PM *Why are firetrucks red? *"ƒBecause they have eight wheels and four people, and 4 plus 8 is 12, and 12 is a foot and a foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sails the sea and in the sea is fish and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians and the Russians were red and that's why firetrucks are red.* That brilliant bit of logic, which is floating anonymously around the Internet, was brought to the Empress's attention by the globe-trotting diplomatic Loser Robin Diallo, somewhere between Senegal and Afghanistan. It's a bit like the Invitational's occasional name chain contest, in which each name in a string of 25 connects to the next one in some novel way, until it comes back to the original name. But believe it or not, the firetruck "explanation" here makes better reading than a name chain. This week: Answer a simple question with a ridiculously argued answer citing various connections and parallels,* as in the example above. Don't make it much longer than that one, but it certainly could be more clever. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, also from the peripatetic Ms. Diallo, a necktie she found in the Philippines, depicting cute cartoon pigs that are pursuing romantic activities not suitable for printing in a newspaper section that's in close proximity to KidsPost. (Online, not so near KidsPost, you can peek at it here .) If you are an actual kid and win second place, or if you have a shred of propriety, we will substitute a plain ol' mug or something.(And we can't even tell you about the /other/ donation from Robin, except that it's a polished wooden ashtray topped with a six-inch polished wooden, anatomically correct, uh, fertility totem? We won't be giving that one out.) *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 23; results published Oct. 13 (online Oct. 10). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1038" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions was suggested by both Tom Witte and Dave Prevar. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Report from Week 1034, in which we asked for original takes on the well-worn joke form "I like my X the way I like my Y": The Empress's predecessor, the Czar, suggested this contest and bet her a lunch that it would draw plenty of great (and even printable) entries. He wins. If you're at a D.C. lunch spot and see two wild-haired people wearing cute little ermine stoles and yelling at each other, drop by and say hello. "ƒNote to the Easily Offended: Jokes starting off "I like my women" or "I like my men" tend to be less than cerebrally worshipful. We are confident that the views expressed herein are not reflective of the high esteem in which the various authors actually hold their women, men, underwear, etc. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * I like my girlfriends the way I like Apple customers: flush with cash, stylish and unaware they can do better./(Robert Falk, Takoma Park, Md.)/ *2.* Winner of the grotesque rubbery finger puppets :* I like my in-laws the way I like my Komodo dragons: on Komodo. /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)/ *3.* I like my teenage daughter to be the way I like my olive oil: extra-virgin./(Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.)/ *4.* I like my carnal knowledge the way I like my rodeo rides: finished in eight seconds, with clowns to create a distraction while I escape./(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ *Likewise . . .: honorable mentions* I like my women the way I like my gas grills: easy to turn on, dirty enough to be well seasoned, but not enough that you'd immediately want to wash your hands./(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / I like my grammar the way I like my cat: gender-neutral. /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) / I like my "Jeopardy!" results the way I like my Abbott & Costello routines:Watson second . — Ken Jennings /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) / I like my underwear the way I like my NASA facilities: with a Johnson Space Center./(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / I like tornado drills the way I like colonoscopy prep: all clear after the evacuation. /(David Komornik, Danville, Va.) / I like my cellular service the way I like Bourbon Street: five bars at any given spot. /(David Komornik)/ I buy my candidates the way I buy my dinner rolls: rich, white and half-baked. — Charles Koch /(David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) / I like my D.C. politicians the way I like my Syracuse cheerleaders: dressed in orange. /(Bill Ade, Burke, Va., who got his last Invite ink in Week 61, 1994) / I like my privacy the way I like something else, the details of which are none of your business./(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ I like my Washington Redskins like I like my Washington Bullets: called something else. /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)/ I like Anthony Weiner the way I like my nose: not running. /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) / I like my New York politicians the way I like my surprise gifts: not knowing what's in the package. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / I like Rafael Soriano the way I like my nose: not blowing it. /(Ward Kay)/ I like my women the way I like my tollbooths: E-ZPass, not SmartPass./(Mark Raffman)/ I like my daytime dramas the way I like my falafel: hot, delicious and soapy . — Bill O'Reilly /(Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) / I like my movies the way I like my Parmesan: G-rated. /(Neil Starkman, Seattle)/ I like my corrupt politicians the way I like my fondest memories: recalled. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ I like my tautology the way I like my tautology: true. /(Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) / I like my interns the way I like my Pacific Islands: not gonna stop at Midway — I've gotta have Samoa. — B. Clinton /(Mark Raffman) / I like my hummus the way I like my pervasive sense of ennui: thick but receptive to potato chips. /(Sandy Moran, Santa Rosa, Calif., a First Offender)/ I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer it to be pretentious and gassy, like my TV character. (Most Interesting Man, The World) /(Mark Raffman)/ I like my reality TV the way I like my bridge hands: no Trump. /(Gary Crockett)/ I like weighing myself the way I like Adam Sandler movies: with zero gravity. /(Mike Gips)/ I like my women the way I like my mountains: tall and beautiful, but not impossible to climb. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ I'll like Barack Obama the way I like George W. Bush: as a harmless former president./(Adam and Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)/ I like my pizza the way I like our current D.C. mayor: ordered to go./(Frank Mann, Washington)/ I like my campaign "contributions" the way I like my Persian rugs: large, spread out and under the table. — V. Gray, Washington /(Kevin Dopart)/ I like my hoagies the way I like my cockroaches: under a foot. /(David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)/ I like my money the way pelicans like their fish: in large bills./(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ At my age, I like my urine the way I like my video: streaming./(Ward Kay) / I like my political punditry the way I like my cornflakes: packaged by weight, not volume./(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ I like my airport checks the way I like my dental checkups: cavity-free. /(Brendan Beary) / I like my man to be like my car: good-looking, yet comfortable for a long trip./(Mae Scanlan)/ As I get older, I like my romance the way I like my plays: one act only./(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) / /And last:/ He likes his Style Invitational Empresses the way he likes his prostitutes: willing to make a big deal out of what little he has to offer. /(Robert Falk) / */Still running: Be offended by totally inoffensive names: bit.ly/invite1037 ./ /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: In Toon With the News, * or Wackileaks,* our contest that asked what news was being communicated by any of Bob Staake's incomprehensible cartoons. © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1039, published September 22, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1039: Rearrange 'To be, or not to be'; plus cartoon captions By Pat Myers , Thursday, September 19, 4:45 PM Once again, the Style Invitational pursues its primary mission of enlightening The Washington Post's readers through the literary arts. Often these literary arts run to poop jokes, but today we'll shoot arguably higher as the school year gets underway: This week: Combine any of the words in Hamlet's "To be, or not to be" soliloquy, in any order, to create a humorous sentence or longer passage.* You may change the capitalization and punctuation of any word, but you may not add or delete "s" or otherwise change the spelling. You may use a particular word only as often as it appears in the soliloquy: for example, "would" appears twice, so you could use it twice. There are different versions of "Hamlet" out there; we'll be using the 1623 "First Folio" text as it appears in Wikipedia (click here for the link ). This contest was suggested by the ever-lit'ry Marni Penning Coleman. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pack of Shakespearean Insult Gum — a set of seven little book-shaped boxes, each containing two gumballs and a different Shakespearean insult (e.g., "Thy wit's as thick as a Tewksbury mustard," from "Henry IV, Part 2"). Donated by Loser Pie Snelson, at whom we do not bite our thumb. And we'll even throw in a set ofGrillz candy teeth , which give you fake dental bling until you swallow your smile. Donated with a glittery grin by Mike Gips. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 30; results published Oct. 20 (online Oct. 17). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1039" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Mae Scanlan; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Report from Week 1035, in which we asked what news our cartoonist, Bob Staake, was trying to convey in any of these cartoons: (See the cartoons larger here .) The Empress was pretty darn lenient about what could constitute news, allowing just about any discussion of a public figure, or any sort of event. But still, there's just no way it could encompass an entry like this one by /(Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)/ for Cartoon B: "Jane finally fulfilled her fantasy of sliding off Claude's trousers." No prize for Dave. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /Cartoon C:/ The Air Force's "Tail-Look" scandal has exposed serious deficiencies in pilot training. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ *2. Winner of the fabulous "Eat-a-Bug Cookbook" plus the box of Larvets mealworm snacks : * /Cartoon A:/ Gov. Rick Perry has decided that the best way to change a woman's views on reproductive issues is to insert the ultrasound wand directly into her cerebrum. /(Roberta Dobbins, Herndon, Va., a First Offender)/ *3. /Cartoon B:/ Nate Silver's latest statistical prediction for 2016 shows clearly that Hillary Clinton will finish comfortably on top of Chris Christie. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / *4.* /Cartoon D:/ Carson Daly interviews Beyoncé during the filming of her new music video, "All the Sinkhole Ladies." /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / *It's a draw: honorable mentions* *CARTOON A* Hallmark decides to offset declining Christmas card sales by marketing a life-size Estelle Getty tree ornament. /(Ken Schwartz, Burke; John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) / Fashion Week trunk shows reveal a new concept for the "bowler hat." /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / New OSHA rules require female executives to be fitted with headgear to protect against glass-ceilling collisions. /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)/ It has not been widely publicized that Obamacare will cover exorcisms. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / Gov. McDonnell tries to blame the pin on his wife./(Doug Hamilton, College Park, Md.) / Apple's iRabbitEars has been proved to improve receptionists./(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)/ CBS plans a temporary workaround for viewers during its dispute with Time Warner./(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ A newly discovered photo shows an early cartoonist getting closer to inventing the thought balloon. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / One of the first things the Post's new owner does to improve the paper's image is to drop the Invitational and hang the Empress out to dry./(Levon Buller, Charlottesville, Va., a First Offender)/ *CARTOON B* Tired of twerking, a new but clueless generation takes an interest in dancing cheek-to-cheek. /(Jeff Contompasis) / Mrs. Bloomberg announced that she is taking a different approach to tackling obesity./(Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) / "Hop on Pop" claims its 1 millionth victim. /(Art Grinath)/ Studies indicate that the Hind-lich maneuver is barely effective in clearing an obstructed airway. /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) / In the latest episode of "The Biggest Loser," Jillian Michaels cheers on new contestant Darryl as he attempts to complete the 50-meter land swim. /(Jim Stiles) / Rush Limbaugh died Saturday in the first known fatality attributed to The Clapper. /(Andrea Kelly, Ashton, Md.)/ *CARTOON C* In the spirit of budget compromise with Congress, the White House will contract out any airstrikes on Syria to Captain Bob's Flying Circus and Crop Dusting, LLC. /(Kevin Dopart) / After her swimming triumph, Diana Nyad inspired millions by flying to Iceland while seated backward in an open airplane with a stationary propeller. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) / Recently discovered photographs show that Lucky Lindy was far luckier than previously known. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / NTSB officials investigating July's San Francisco accident announce they've found a flaw in Asiana Airlines' pilot training program. /(Kevin Dopart) / North Korea will unveil its next-generation fighter jet, aiming to disprove Western claims of a "backward military."/(Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) / To its list of optional services, Spirit Airlines adds a sealed cockpit and attached propeller. /(Stephen Dudzik) / Jeff Bezos will steer The Post in a new direction. /(Gary Crockett) / *CARTOON D* Tonight on CNN, Anderson Cooper's exclusive interview with the economy!/(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) / The Channel 5 news crew during its extremely low-budget interview of the Chinese premier. /(Stan Breedlove, Fulton, Md., a First Offender) / Old Faithful Calls It a Career: 'I Just Ran Out of Steam,' Says Retiring Geyser /(Vytas V. Vergeer, Washington) / Russian inspectors: "There is no direct evidence of a bomb being dropped." /(Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) / "As I've said before, this political race is not about my private life."/(Mark Asquino, Washington) / Missing their former celebrity lifestyles, the Chilean miners returned to the ground./(Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) / Satan Announces Candidacy for N.Y. Mayor, Instantly Rises to Third in Polls /(Dale Hample, Silver Spring, Md.)/ Some paparazzi really can't get enough of Michael Jackson. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / Unable to book Alec Baldwin, Channel 7 decided viewers couldn't tell the difference and instead interviewed a hole in the ground. /(Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.)/ Mrs. Cyrus plans to wait until it all blows over. /(Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest for long, ridiculous answers to simple questions. See bit.ly/invite1038 .* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Just for Liffs, or *Iraq Kandahar Place,* our contest to turn place names into new words. © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1040, published September 29, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1040: File us happy returns with taxing humor; plus winning Liffs By Pat Myers , Thursday, September 26, 1:46 PM *Figure the tax due by the aggregate weight of the taxpayer's family, maybe $10 per pound. A family of four that weighs 500 would owe $5,000, while a larger family — larger as in more numerous or larger as in, you know, larger — would pay more, given how much faster they wear out out roads and bridges. As Loser Elden Carnahan pointed out to us months ago, we couldn't very well ignore this week number. And so, at a comfortable distance from April 15, we present the Thoroughly Taxing Edition of the Style Invitational, with your choice of contests: *Schedule A: Suggest a novel way for the government to determine taxes,* as in Elden's example above. *Schedule B: Suggest a deduction that you'd like to take, or that some famous real or fictional person or past or present might like to take*(suggested by Edward Gordon and Chris Doyle on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook). *Schedule C: Suggest a cause that you'd rather check off $3 for,* now that most major candidates won't take the money anyway (suggested by Devotee Jon Spell). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Going with our revenue theme this week, second place receives both a pack of tissues with $100 bills printed on them (staple them to your return atop your W-2 form) and the second of our sets of fine Porkin' Pigs coin banks — a pair of pink ceramic piggies that can be, uh, nested one behind the other. Dave Prevar donated the tissues, Nan Reiner the pigs. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 7; results published Oct. 27 (online Oct. 24). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1040" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart, as is the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *Report from Week 1036, Our contest for Liffs, place names used as words: Many, many entries, and a lot of them with the same ideas — a totally unsurprising occurrence in such a short-form contest. Among the definitions sent in by too many people: Fairbanks as the equivalent of "free lunch" or "military intelligence"; Manila as a date who's a safe but boring guy; San Diego as the result of eating a toaster waffle on the beach; Minnesota as Mayor Bloomberg's favorite drink; Montauk as an affected Jamaican accent; and Brisbane as a mohel's wastebasket. While it's quite possible — almost inevitable, really — that you've heard someone, somewhere make a few of the following Liffs, we're assuming that the Losers who submitted them hadn't. Except for the woman who sent the world's oldest joke about Norfolk, Va., complete with the entire high school cheer: "We don't smoke. . ." "ƒYo, Steal Invitationalists, the few of you who have pulled this on us (knowingly) over the years: Why on earth would you want your name credited in The Washington Post to a joke you stole, with the huge likelihood you'd be pegged immediately as a thief? To win a 20-cent magnet? Did you also take two copies of the paper from the coin box? *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Tarpon Springs:* Serta's most budget-priced mattress./(Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.)/ *2.* Winner of the Korean Green Apple Vium+ poop promoter: *Sheboygan:* Pvt. Manning, reconsidering? /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ *3.* Gabon:* An unlimited calling plan./(Steven Alan Honley, Washington)/ *4.* Nicaragua:* A special water that helps you quit smoking. /(David Bruskin, Woodland Hills, Calif., a First Offender) / *Lowcales: Honorable mentions* *Antietam:* Picnic foods./(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)/ *Bogota: A buy-one, get-one promotion by a breast augmentation clinic. /(Joel Knanishu)/ *Boise:* Jay-Z Jr. /(Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.; Eric Ries, Bethesda, Md.) / *Bolivia:* Doghouse on the White House grounds. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / *Cameroon:* A tourist oblivious to the dozen other people waiting to take the same picture./(Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) / *Cancun:* Appalachian convenience food. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / *The Catskills:* Little "presents" of mice on your doorstep. /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)/ *Chattanooga:* To converse in Early Neanderthal. /(John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) / *Chechnya:* Proximity to a house of worship in posh British towns. "Nigel's ghelfriend lives in a chahming mews in Uxbridge with a chechnya — C of E, of course." /(Brendan Beary) / *Chinook:* The dimple at the bottom of Cary Grant's face. /(Dan O'Day, Alexandria, Va.) / *Corpus Christi:* A government body that will be the subject of hefty scrutiny through 2016./(Brendan Beary) / *Curacao:* Step 1 in making a football. /(Beverley Sharp) / *Dubai:* A place where extravagant consumerism is the highest ideal, e.g., Dubai /(Mike Gips)/ *East Timor:* The reason Indian chai is so expensive. /(Kevin Ahern, Corvallis, Ore., a First Offender) / *Gdansk:* What Australian tourists say to people they meet in Poland. /(Stan McLeroy, Herndon, Va.) / *Grosse Pointe:* Miley's foam finger./(Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.)/ *Jakarta:* What nightclub owners ask the door staff when a 17-year-old girl tries to sneak in. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/ *Juneau:* Not kosher. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) / *Kalamazoo:* A place to see squid in their natural habitat./(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)/ *Kyrgyzstan:* A place to display your kyrgyz. /(Danielle Nowlin) / *Liechtenstein:* German beer that's good to the last drop. /(Danielle Nowlin) / *Liverpool:* Give your backyard something different from that old kidney shape!/(Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)/ *Manassas:* What studly behinds turn into after too much beer and TV. /(Nan Reiner)/ *Naples:* Leave it to Picasso to paint a woman's breasts on the back of her neck. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / *Newark:* Noah's second boat, the one with a metal container for the termites. /(Chris Doyle) / *Ocracoke:* The worst health-food drink since broccoli cream soda. /(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.; Beverley Sharp) / *Outer Banks:* The financial institutions considered "small enough to fail." /(Jill Renkey, Frederick, Md., a First Offender) / *Palm Springs:* Miniature Slinkys./(Andrea Kelly, Ashton, Md.)/ *Pitcairn:* The act of applying deodorant. /(Melissa Balmain)/ *Pyongyang: The sound made by a North Korean "nuclear missile" going off. /(Danielle Nowlin)/ *Santa Monica:* An employee who gives her boss all the things on his Christmas list. /(Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles; Larry Neal, McLean, Va.)/ *Shrewsbury: Future resting place of Judge Judy. /(William Kennard)/ *Walla Walla:* The sound of Chris Christie twerking./(Damon Thompson, Washington) / /And Last:/ Luzon:* The heightened state of immature or scatological humor. "I've got nothing for Week 1040 — I gotta get my Luzon."/(Brendan Beary) / *Still running — deadline Monday night — our contest to use the words in "To be, or not to be . . ." to write your own passage. See bit.ly/invite1039.* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Outrage Us, or *Taking Dumbrage,* our contest to complain about the offensiveness of a name that's not really offensive. © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1041, published October 6, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1041: What'd I say? Answer a question that's posed in a song By Pat Myers , Published: October 3 *"Why do birds suddenly appear Every time you are near?"* *Maybe it's time to get the crumbs out of your clothes?* This week's contest was suggested by Loser Phenom Mark Raffman: Answer a question, real or rhetorical, that appears in a song,* as in Mark's example above. If your answer could be sung as part of the song, that's no problem at all. Be sure to include the name of the song as well as the line you're quoting. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of the six zoo-animal-hindquarters magnets pictured here(the Loser Magnet, which is the size of a business card, is there just for scale; if you finish second, sorry, it's just the magnetic butts). *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 14; results published Nov. 3 (online Oct. 31). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1041" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Craig Dykstra; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" headline is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on the Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday /. *Report from Week 1037, in which we asked you to be offended by a name that most people haven't thought to be offended by yet: *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial:* The members of the American Association of Lobby* Builders and Decorators (AALBD) create and decorate the warm, inviting, beautiful spaces that greet you as you enter many a building. But the name of our creations has been besmirched by the vile, underhanded and corrupt practice of influence peddling. We've asked our foyerist in Washington to . . . /(Robert Falk, Takoma Park, Md.)/ *2.* /Winner of the book / /"Holy Sh*t [sic]: The World's Weirdest Comic Books":/ *I find it appalling that the District of Columbia* is named for the Italian version of the explorer's name, rather than the Spanish version; after all, without the aid of Spain, he would have never made his voyages. As a Hispanic American, I feel strongly that the city be renamed the District of Colon — which also better describes it./(Alex Heppenheimer, New York, a First Offender)/ *3.* "*Washington Wizards*" is an anti-Christian name indicating support of magic, paganism, witchcraft, voodoo, Harry Potter, etc. Our city's NBA team should be named something more in keeping with God and America — how about the Bullets? /(William Joyner, Chapel Hill, N.C.)/ *4.* "Chevy Chase"? There is absolutely nothing tiresome or washed up about one of D.C.'s most vibrant and livable neighborhoods!/(Frank Mann, Washington)/ *Also-rants: honorable mentions* In the 21st century, it is incomprehensible that we Ohioans have sports teams named the Cleveland "Browns"* and Cincinnati "Reds."* It is time to stop segregating and start congregating! We demand that the Cincinnati baseball team and the Cleveland football team change their names to a more inclusive term: The Cincinnati Coloreds and the Cleveland Coloreds would be a shining example of the blended American people. /(John Bunyan, Cincinnati)/ *Lender's Bagels: In this day and age, can you believe they evoke the Shylock stereotype of the greedy moneylender for the name of a "Jewish" bread? /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / *Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Condoning piracy — the scourge of our intellectual-property rights — gives the wrong message. A good name should celebrate creativity: I suggest the Tampa Bay Digital Rights Management. /(Martin Bancroft, Issaquah, Wash.)/ *Boston Red Sox:* Yet another team name based on Native American slurs, from skin color to the misspelling of "Sioux" to the use of tribal terms like "Red Sox Nation." Even the guys waving tickets outside Fenway Park are called "scalpers"! /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / *San Antonio Spurs:* Why name a team after a torture device that jams sharp metal into horses' tender flanks? /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / *JC Penney:* "Even though I and my contemporaries do most of our shopping at this store, it is unnecessary and blasphemous to incorporate Our Savior's name in the brand." /(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)/ *In-N-Out Burger: If the owners are so religious, then why is their name a crude slang for sexual relations? And their burger wrapper cites Revelation 3:20 — which clearly describes a homosexual tryst. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / *Apple:* What do apples have to do with electronics? Every year there's a new crop, but other than that, there's "apple-lutely nothing." Remember the slogan "Think different?" Apple can't even advertise grammatically. Every time a new, expensive release comes out branded with that cutesy logo with the missing bite, I "think different," all right. Here's a "different" slogan for you: BITE ME. /(Diane Wah, Seattle)/ *NAACP!*: All the other bigotry pales in comparison with advancing "colored people" over Albino Americans. /(Kevin Dopart)/ *Funny or Die:* Really? So why isn't Carrot Top dead yet? /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)/ *New England Patriots:* Now that the term "patriot" has been hijacked by people who equate Massachusetts with the headquarters of Satan, and given the ongoing dispute over who qualifies as a patriot anyway (Edward Snowden? Aaron Hernandez?), the team needs to change its name to something less controversial and ambiguous. I think "New England Autumn Leaves" would be lovely. /(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)/ *Supreme Court:* Come on, how obnoxious is that? Who do they think they are, so high and mighty, that their rulings are the final say in all the land? That they are entitled to a life of judging other people with no one above them to call them to account? /(Heather Spence, New York) / *Spic and Span:* Really? C'mon now, really. /(Bird Waring) / *Miracle Whip:* I think it is extremely inappropriate to suggest that God would waste any of His powers making such a trivial product. Besides, my understanding is that he is against the use of condiments. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / *Noodles & Company: This is blatant false advertising. The noodles were fine, but the provided "company" was barely cordial. In fact, I got the distinct feeling they didn't even want to let me sit at their table. /(Danielle Nowlin)/ *Cheetos: Words that evoke cheating or dishonesty should not be used to market snack foods to impressionable children. I suggest "Rectitudos."/(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *DeBeers: In order to discourage alcohol abuse, the company should change its name to something inoffensive and non-alcohol-related, like "DeTeas." /(Frank Osen) / *Rubbermaid:* What an anachronistic remnant of a classist society; the name should be changed to Rubber Personal Assistance Facilitators./(Frank Osen) / I've lived here awhile and trust me, this place ain't in the centre of anything /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)/ // Hostess Ho Ho:* Let's quit using a euphemism and two insulting vulgarisms. The correct, nonjudgmental form is "Sex worker Sex worker Sex worker." /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *SpaghettiO's: Hey, I like pasta as much as the next guy or gal. But I have to say, wobbly rings of pasta coated in a bland sauce didn't come close to delivering on the promised ecstasy. /(Rob Huffman) / *MasterCard:* Oh, African Americans can't control their own money, is that it? They need a slavelike structure wherein a powerful entity controls financial consequences? /(Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) / *Mentos:* Every company wants the public to go "crazy" over its product, but does it have to use a name that pokes ridicule at those with emotional disabilities? It even has the nerve to boast on the package that the product is made with nut oils! /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) / *Charmin': Please explain to me what is remotely charmin' about wiping excrement from bodily orifices?/(Jim Noble, Lexington Park, Md.)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our Week 1040 contest to suggest humorous ideas to change the tax process. See bit.ly/invite1040.* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Taking the 'Plain' Out of 'Explain,' or Cracking Whys,* our contest to answer a simple question with a convoluted answer full of odd connections. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1042, published October 13, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1042: Go SANE with a neologism in Tour de Fours X By Pat Myers , Published: October 10 Kin*sane* : What your spouse's family is. D*ensa: A club whose secret password is "It's me." Di*e-nas*ty: A line of succession in which the monarchs didn't tend to expire in bed. After several long-form contests recently, like the one with today's results, it's time to get pithy again. And it just happens to be time for our 10th annual Tour de Fours neologism contest, in which we give you a block of four letters and you have to build a new word around it. This week, in honor of an adjective that isn't used much around this town anymore: Create a new word or two-word term containing the letter block S-A-N-E — in any order, but consecutively — and define it,* as in the examples above. New this year, because the Empress is feeling unduly magnanimous: You may also come up with a humorous definition of an existing word, two-word term or name* containing this letter block. The four-letter block may break across two words. Feel free to enhance your entry by using your term in a funny sentence. Don't feel free to use it in an unfunny sentence. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the book "The Big Bento Box of Unuseless Japanese Inventions," with 442 photographs documenting such gizmos as a rice bowl with a mirror on one side to let dieters pretend they're getting a bigger portion, and little red-and-white umbrellas you attach to the tips of your dressiest shoes. The book is a celebration of /chindogu,/ the Japanese humor genre of inventing gadgets that sound like great ideas until you think about them for a moment; it was won as a door prize by the Empress's long-suffering Royal Consort at this year's Flushies, the Invitational Losers' annual awards "banquet." *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 21; results published Nov. 10 (online Nov. 7). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1042" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions and the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line are by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday /. *Report from Week 1038, in which we asked for long, convoluted answers to simple questions: Okay, the logic in some of these is not how-you-say perfectly rigorous. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial * *Why are boogers salty? Because boogers come from your nose, and "rhino-" is a prefix that means "nose," and Ryan O'Neal starred in "Paper Moon," and the moon makes the tides rise, and a rising tide lifts all boats, and boats get barnacles, and "barnacles" contains the letter block "nacl," and "NaCl" is the formula for salt. Duh./(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ *2.* /Winner of the necktie depicting "romantic" cartoon pigs :/ * Why do unicorns have horns?* Well, unicorns don't exist, much like moderate members of Congress who are willing to work together to get something done, but moderate members of Congress who are willing to work together to get something done are the only ones who can save America, unless you count Superman, and Superman can shoot red laser beams out of his eyes, and so can the Devil, and the Devil has horns, and THAT is why unicorns have horns. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ *3.* Why are you handing me the Pepto-Bismol? Because Pepto-Bismol can help if you're not feeling healthy, and the secretary of health and human services is a woman, and you know how women like to gossip, or, in Haitian Creole, /tripoter,/ which is pronounced "trip-otay," which is how Buckwheat rated his first visit to the big city, like D.C. is a big city, but not like AC/DC, which is a band, like Uranus Explodes, which can occur if you eat green eggs and ham. And if that's what you're having for breakfast, well, I gotta hand it to you./(David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)/ *4.* Why did Jeff Bezos buy The Washington Post? The Washington Post serves D.C., home of the Redskins, "Redskins" is not PC, PCs need drivers installed, drivers are found on golf courses, golf courses are found at country clubs, some country clubs are all white, Alawites are in Syria, Syria is a dystopia, a dystopia is depicted in the film "Brazil," the Amazon runs through Brazil, Jeff Bezos founded Amazon, so it's only right that Jeff Bezos bought The Washington Post. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ *Second strings: honorable mentions* *Is the Loch Ness Monster real?* Nessie belongs to the same family as Cookie Monster, who hangs out with Big Bird, who's related to Tweety Bird, who regularly bests Sylvester the Cat, who shares a name with Sly Stallone, who played Rocky, which is a mountain range often compared to Dolly Parton's two biggest assets, and those are about as real as Nessie. So sure. /(Randy Lee, Burke, Va.)/ *Why do good things come in small packages? Because good things come to those who wait, and weight is just a number, and numbers don't lie, and lye is a base, and a bass is a singer, and Alvy Singer loved Annie Hall, and Ruth Hall starred in movies with John Wayne, and John Wayne Bobbitt had a small package, and though even though you wouldn't describe John Wayne Bobbitt as "good," it's still why good things come in small packages. /(Chris Doyle)/ *What is 1 + 1? In "Principia Mathematica," Alfred North Whitehead took 362 pages to get to 1 + 1, and a whitehead is a pimple, and pimple-faced geeks create new technologies like toasters on the Internet, and a toaster often says "Cheers," and "Cheers" had Cliff as a regular, and the GOP uses a cliff as a regular negotiation strategy in Congress, and Congress gives lobbyists whatever they want. So, 1 + 1, at least in Washington, is whatever you want it to be. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / *Why do you insist that Obama is a Kenyan citizen?* Obama's mother is from Kansas; Kansas is also home to Dorothy; Dorothy's dog is Toto; Toto is a band that sang "Africa"; Africa is home to the Republic of Kenya . . . /(Kristen Rowe, Silver Spring, Md.) / *Why do mimes have white faces?* Well, mimes are silent, and silence is golden, and gold makes you rich, and accepting shady contributions while you're the governor of Virginia also makes you rich, and reading a Post article about how you accepted shady contributions while you were the governor of Virginia makes your face go white, and that is why mimes have white faces. /(Danielle Nowlin) / *Why is a cigar sometimes just a cigar? Because a cigar is a smoke, and smoke gets in your eyes, and the eyes are the window to the soul, and Seoul is in Korea, and Korea loves Psy, and psi is a letter in Greece, and Greece was once called Hellas, and hell has no fury like a woman scorned, and the scorned woman in "Fatal Attraction" was played by Glenn Close, and close only counts in horseshoes, and Cigar was a horse, and that's why sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. /(Chris Doyle)/ *Which side is port?* Port is wine. Wine is red. Reds are commies. Commies are leftists. So port is left. /(Robert Rosen, Gaithersburg, Md., a First Offender) / *Why are babies cute?* Babies frequently soil their diapers, which means you have to wash the diapers, but sometimes they're so dirty that you put in way too much detergent — for example, All — and then have to find some way to get the All out, and everyone knows that babies are as cute as All get-out./(Neal Starkman, Seattle) / *Why is the noun form of "explain" spelled "explanation" rather than "explaination"? * In the 1700s Samuel Johson vainly attempted to trace how "ex-plain" changed in meaning from "no longer clear" to "expound," which of course means "no longer heavy." Dispirited (though not actually sober), Johnson wrote in the margin, "In the pursuit of explaination I realized I was lost." His clerk took that as face value, and that was that./(Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)/ *Can any artist today be discussed in the same breath with the Old Masters?* Sure! Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel; Elvis sang "Crying in the Chapel"; Janis Joplin sang "Cry Baby Cry"; Justin Bieber sang "Baby"; Michelangelo also painted the Baby Jesus; and so when I think of Justin Bieber, I think of Michelangelo. /(Kristen Rowe) / *Why did the chicken cross the road?* Because a chicken lays eggs, and eggs are oval, and so is the president's office, and the president was born in Hawaii, but Donald Trump doesn't believe this, and Trump is known for his combover, and also does a Macy's commercial with Sean Combs, better known as P. Diddy, who was part of the tribute song "Better on the Other Side." Which explains why the chicken crossed the road./(Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) / *I had the funniest entry. Why didn't I win the Style Invitational? Because the Invitational is run by an Empress, and Empresses live in Castles and people who live in castles ride around in carriages and carriages are pulled by horses and horses eat hay. And hey, aren't you the guy that compared the Empress to a prostitute in week 1034? (Robert Falk, Takoma Park, and he did; see "And Last" ). *Why can't I get ink in the Style Invitational? *The winners must be funny. /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our Week 1041 contest to answer a question that's posed in a song. (And if you happened to send such a question for Week 1038, you can go ahead and send it again.) See bit.ly/invite1041.* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Shookspeare, or Flip Us the Bard,* our contest to write something funny using only the words in the "To be, or not to be" soliloquy from "Hamlet." © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1043, published October 20, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1043: Celebrity vs. reality, plus shaken-up Shakespeare By Pat Myers , Published: October 17 " 'Vanilla Ice Goes Amish' (DIY at 10). The pop star and renovation enthusiast travels to Amish country to learn more about hand craftsmanship." No, that's not a Style Invitational entry; it's from last weekend's honest-to-goodness TV listings in The Post. But as Loser John Huber suggests, "how could this NOT be a Style Invitational contest?" It's hard to argue with that. *This week: Describe a TV reality show featuring a celebrity pursuing some unlikely endeavor. The celebrity may be living or dead, even fictional. The winning humor will most likely come from funny, witty writing, but don't write a whole script. Twenty-five to 50 words should be about right. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. And given that this week's contest sounds like a suggestion sheet for "Saturday Night Live" skits, second place will receive More Cowbell!, a little but noisy fire-engine-red model. Donated by the little but noisy, almost-fire-engine-red-haired Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 28; results published Nov. 17 (online Nov. 10). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1043" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions was suggested by both Dave Prevar and Nan Reiner; the alternative headline for the "Next week's results line" is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday /. *Correction:* Last week's results in the print edition labeled our sole First Offender of the week, Robert Rosen of Gaithersburg, as Richard Rosen. Even though "Richard Rosen," as the Style Invitational Devotees noted, could be anagrammed into "Scarred Rhino," "Horrid Rancher" and "Rides Car Horn," among other colorful monikers, Robert still didn't want to change his name — which, notes Devotee Jen Harris, happens to anagram to "Errors Be Ton." *Report from Week 1039, in which we asked you to write a passage using only the words contained in Hamlet's "To be, or not to be" soliloquy. Shockingly for Style Invitational entrants, many of the entries were about sex! And with words like "resolution," "laws" and "whip," Washington area Losers immediately thought of Congress. One especially clever entry gets no prize because its author, Kristen Rowe, ignored the explicit instructions: Instead of using the required "First Folio" version of 1623, the one at the top of the Wikipedia page, Kristen used Shakespeare's "First Quarto," which had several words that weren't in the other version. Still, it's worth sharing this plot synopsis of "Breaking Bad": "A sicklied patient with no conscience scorns the laws with cursed enterprises to bear outrageous fortune for his would-be widow. O, the calamities he must endure. A happy resolution in the end? Aye, perchance in dreams!" *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * Something is wrong with this country, and the troubles come from that cast of unworthy cowards we have in office. The insolence makes us all so weary. All those who long to take the whips to their mortal flesh, say aye! /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)/ *2. Winner of theShakespearean Insult Gum plusGrillz candy teeth :* You know what love is? To devoutly dream of a nobler life with fair respect — not! To rub soft flesh, suffer whips, sleep with the despised — aye, nymph-ophelia! Now, that is great. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / *3.* Is a man's thought, all the time, of soft, bare flesh and consummation? Does a bear "grunt" in the country? /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) / *4.* In the dream, the man's a proud traveller of fortune — who scorns the unworthy, makes a thousand cowards suffer, whips a bear to death with a great grunt and, after that, makes soft love to the fair nymph. But in life? He is rather pale and sicklied, and may sweat from his under-arms. /(Craig Dykstra)/ *Hamlettes: honorable mentions* We may be despised by others, but their dream is to have what we have: a great fortune, a proud name, long life, love and respect. (And whips and shocks for those whose insolence makes troubles.)/(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / To those opposing the proud native name we bear, there's something we have wished to say to them: "That is so wrong, pale-hue cowards. We have no respect for you. (But come by and give more to my great fortune.)" — D. Snyder /(Kevin Dopart)/ In office, he would make laws for his country and take a fortune for himself, "devoutly" opposing others' troubles. After outrageous enterprises, a Whip's pause. Calamity, thy name is DeLay! /(Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)/ The great "natural" takes his turn . . . The opposing man's patient . . . Now he slings a pitch . . . And there's a long fly. . . Fair? . . . No! "Fardels!," we say . . . And so we lose, and dreams die (for the moment). /(Mark Raffman)/ "This 'natural bear sweat' does not make my 'coil' long and proud. What say you to that?" "Aye, 'tis not fair, but — no returns!"/(Jeff Shirley)/ A resolution for the law's delay is all we wished. But no. So fly not to the office. — J. Boehner /(Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)/ Hue Grunt (of "Soft-More Dreams") and Ophelia Coil (of "Country of a Thousand Flesh-Arrows") to be cast in Bare Action Enterprises' "There's a Nymph in My Fly!" /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / A resolution against arms to bear in my country?! Take this for a "No": to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to . . . . — W. LaPierre /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / "What is wrong?" "My shocks be soft, and for a traveller, the end does suffer great pangs." [Grunt.] "Will be a thousand or more." "What! That is outrageous!" "Aye, 'tis a heart-ache. But you may give thy fortune o'er time." "Rub this!" "We take that for a 'No.' " /(Jeff Shirley) / When you have a man's troubles of the flesh so soft, suffer not! Take this for thy ills, and be re-membered. /(Craig Dykstra) / "To sleep in the office is outrageous! Grunt and sweat, take action, aye, 'tis thus. You must suffer from thy enterprises To make a fortune, all the time, for us." — Employee handbook /(Mae Scanlan, Washington) / The calamity of the fly, awry in the man's coil, troubles the flesh; makes a pause in the action and thus, a delay from sins. /(Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) / The insolence of the proud man's office: that he might, with no pause to question, bare his flesh for a fair nymph to regard, and in the name of what? "Action"? A dream of consummation with grunt and sweat? There's the outrageous calamity: To end in a sea of troubles. To lose the respect of others! To be despised and thought unworthy! To be remembered for the sins of the moment and no more. /(Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)/ To give a nymph a great time when you make love, delay the moment of consummation with the thought of something outrageous — say, to be bourn off by and to sleep with a bear. — R. Westheimer /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / When the country is that of others, might makes wrong./(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / There's their and there's. Bear and bare. Know and no. Hue and you. O'er and or. Who thought to make us suffer so? /(Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) / You dream of puzzles? Time to have a life. /(Neal Starkman, Seattle) / He dreams the dream of all the unworthy and despised who suffer the ills and contumely of their oppressors: to off his in-laws. /(Kevin Dopart) / From Ophelia: "This moment is o'er My bare flesh, and the sins you long for. This dream will not fly For there's something awry: Thy soft coil is unworthy of more. /(Craig Dykstra) / 'Tis a question of whether "Action Love Slings" delay consummation. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the Law's delay, that is the question. Those opposing, that pale cast, have not conscience; their action makes us bear the ills we have, and die. — B. Obama /(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) / Fortune say: Love may make calamity and in-laws. /(Frank Osen) / *And Last:* "Delay not! Take action now! Pitch to us something that shocks. Be outrageous! The unworthy will suffer heart-ache and not be remembered; but to insolence, we give great respect. So grunt and sweat devoutly, and know what? You, perchance, may LOSE!" — The Empress/(Beverley Sharp) / *And Even Laster: The Bard Is Haunted by Week 1039: There's a wrong that puzzles Will and troubles his sleep: "Who would turn my thought in-to something so outrageous? Those cowards merit a bodkin to their flesh!" /(Kathy El-Assal) / /Special thanks to 159-time Loser Gary Crockett, who developed a computer program to verify that all the words in each entry actually appeared in Hamlet's speech (there was no "it" or "are," for example), and that no word was used more often in the entry than it was in the speech. Gary wins a second pack of Shakespearean Insult Gum, one I'd had lying around the prize bin since the reign of James I. / *Still running — deadline Monday night — our Week 1042 "Tours de Fours" neologism contest. See bit.ly/invite1042 .* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: IRS My Case, or *Inkdom Tax,* our contest in commemoration of Week 1040, to suggest various revisions to the internal revenue system. © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1044, published October 27, 2013 Style Invitational contest Week 1044: You can't be too safe; plus some taxing returns By Pat Myers , Published: October 24 To avoid injury to the most important player on the field, defensive players are no longer allowed to tackle the quarterback. Instead they record a sack by trapping him in a burlap bag. Elementary schools: No nose-picking past the first finger joint. You can't be too careful these days, as Loser Mark Raffman points out. (He's a lawyer, of course.) This week: Come up with a comically safety-conscious rule for the workplace or elsewhere, as in Mark's examples above. I don't think we've done this contest before, though way back in 1995 we did have one for product warning labels (results here). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. And, in time for the bizarrely early first day of Hanukkah this year, second place receives a pair of custom-made Loser Dreidels: 146-time Loser Nan Reiner has painted the "L," "oo," "Z" and "R" equivalents in Hebrew on one of them, and "L," "O," "S" and "R" in English on the other. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 4; results published Nov. 24 (online Nov. 21). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1044" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week's honorable mentions was suggested by both Jeff Contompasis and Chris Doyle; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev, and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday . *Report from Week 1040 , which seemed like the perfect time for a contest for comical revisions to the tax code, until we realized, too late, that we'd already done such a contest six years ago (on April 15). We still had a fair number of filers, however, and some interesting returns in the contest's three categories, or "schedules": *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * /Schedule A: Suggest a novel way for the government to determine taxes: /All states whose name is an anagram of "Taxes" must pay double the usual rates. This is only fair, since they will be seceding soon and we need to get as much as possible from them. /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)/ *2.* Winner of the Porkin' Pigs pair of coin banks:* /Schedule A: / Levy an inheritance tax on the meek./(Mel Loftus, Alexandria, Va.)/ *3.* /Schedule A: /The men of America should be taxed on a scale based on the size of their "endowments." Not only would some men be happy to pay more in taxes, simply for the bragging rights, but those at the other end of the scale could use /some / kind of break. I'd have to take out a second mortgage, of course . . . /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) / *4. /Schedule C: New ideas for what to check off $3 for: /The $3 checkoff should serve as the sole funding source for the Special Commission on Whether to Keep the $3 Checkoff on Next Year's Form. /(Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.) / *H&R blockheads: honorable mentions* /*Schedule A: Novel ways for the government to determine taxes:* / You know how gambling losses can only be deducted from gambling winnings? What if instead we make it a coin toss? Heads, I get to deduct my gambling losses from my net income; tails, I don't get to deduct it at all./(Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) / Tax real estate developments with pretentious names on a sliding scale, with a surtax for fake Olde Englishe spellings, pointless accent marks, etc. Anything with "Pointe" in its name would be taxed $50,000. A "Forest" where they bulldozed the trees would be taxed $100,000, with $20K more for each treeless street named for a tree. "The Shoppes" would pay $250,000 per Shoppe. "The Mews at Royall Wyckombe" could cover the deficit this year. /(Minturn Wright, Washington, a First Offender) / Assign a flat income tax by congressional district; the lower its representative's IQ, the more tax those constituents pay. Since we can't fix stupid, we can ensure you compensate the rest of us for it. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / To combat obesity in America, the government should provide a $100 deduction for every pound of weight lost in a year. Of course, to defend against fraud, all taxpayers will have to enter into the Obama Weight Management Plan, but I don't see why that would be any problem. /(Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) / Next year, all Americans should get to deduct the percentage of their taxes paid toward congressional salaries as a child-care expense. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / In support of the Style Invitational, the IRS should tax double-entendres at the single-entendre rate. /(Robert Falk, Takoma Park, Md.) / /*Schedule B: What a well-known person might want to deduct as a business or medical expense: / Jay Leno would like to deduct the cost of the microwave he uses to warm over his jokes./(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / e.e. cummings and will.i.am seek a capital depreciation allowance./(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / "I would like to deduct my foam finger as a business expense, notwithstanding that the foam finger had no business being anywhere near my business." — M. Cyrus /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / /*Schedule C: New ideas for what to check off $3 for:* / I'd happily donate $3 toward rebuilding handicapped parking spaces so that any car parked in them undeservedly will spontaneously burst into flames (but only after the occupants have departed, so we don't accidentally make any new handicapped people). /(Craig Dykstra) / Let people check off $3 to be used for a lottery ticket, with a prize of tax exemption for life! *Certain restrictions apply: You must be over 18, blind, with at least four dependents, an income of no more than $20,000/year . . . /(Heather Spence, New York) / It's only right to give $3 for the Personal Injury, Malpractice & Product Liability (PIMPL) lawyers: "Give a little back to those who have taken so much." /(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) / /And Last: /I would like to check off $3 for the Style Invitational, thereby personally financing an entire year's worth of Loser prizes. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / *Still running — deadline Monday night — our Week 1043 contest for celebrity reality shows that would be even more comical than the actual "Vanilla Ice Goes Amish." See bit.ly/invite1043.* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: What'd I Say?, or *Wouldn't It Be Loserly, our Week 1041 contest to answer a question that's part of a song lyric or title. © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1045, published November 3, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1045: The B-side — ask a question that a song will answer By Pat Myers , Published: October 31 Today's results to Week 1041 are so much fun that we're taking up Loser Chris Doyle on his suggestion that we do the converse of that contest for Week 1045. That one was to find a question in a song lyric or title and answer it; this week, take a sentence, phrase or title from a song and provide a funny question it might answer.* There's not a minimum or maximum length for the phrase, but it'll probably be funnier if it's clear which song it's from. The answers will run in our "Ask Backwards" format, with the phrase first, followed by the punch line in the form of a question. As with Week 1041, please give the name of the song you're quoting from, and do your best to make sure that the words are accurate. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives yet another in our series of toilet-shaped coffee mugs, this one a promotional item for, I swear, a cable reality show about remodeling "boring, old and downright disgusting bathrooms into over-the-top prized potties." The name of the show is "King of Thrones," but I think they should have gone with "Vast Wastelands." Donated in an act of enormous personal sacrifice by Washington Post TV critic Hank Stuever, who knows what I like. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 11; results published Dec. 1 (online Nov. 28). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1045" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday /. *Report from Week 1041, in which we asked you to find a question that was part of a song, and supply a humorous answer. Most frequently submitted, in response to "How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?" Two, because by then you realize that he's lost and not asking for directions. Below, you can click on any of the question-lyrics to see a video or the lyrics of the song it comes from. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Can you do the fandango? Spare me some dignity, officer, and just let me mangle the alphabet while stumbling over the curb like a regular drunk. /(Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)/ *2.* /Winner of the six animal-butt magnets: / *"What child is this who, laid to rest, on Mary's lap is sleeping?" "The DNA results are in, and Joseph . . . you are NOT the father!" — M. Povich /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *3.* But how do you thank someone who has taken you from crayons to perfume? Oh, don't mention it — I could just sort of tell that this was your first time in a Wal-Mart Supercenter. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) / *4.* Don't you know, little fool, you never can win? What slogan was quickly rejected as the replacement for "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"? /(Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.)/ *What kind of fools are they? Honorable mentions* *What rhymes with "hug me"? "Dumb lyrics bug me." /(Jeff Contompasis) / *Where's the jolly jumbuck you've got in your tucker-bag? "I think you said, 'Where's the jaw legion baklava tenured underdog?' If that is incorrect, please press 2 and repeat your question." /(Trevor Kerr) / *Does anybody really care about time? Fine, I'll take Mr. Hawking's book to another publisher, but you're going to regret this! /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / *Why don't we do it in the road? I would not do it in the road, Nor would I within your abode, I would not do it in your car, Nor with you out behind a bar, I'm not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, So let me be, please, Sam-I-Am! /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ *How do you speak to an angel? Step in front of a locomotive. /(Roger Dunn, Dartmouth, England) / *What if God was one of us? He'd probably use the subjunctive properly. /(Danny Bravman, Chicago)/ *Have you ever seen the rain?* Most. Boring. Elevator. Conversation. Ever. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ *Isn't she lovely? "For goodness' sake, Stevie Wonder, can't you see for yourself that . . . oh, sorry." /(Rob Huffman; Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) / *What'll I do when you are far away and I am blue, what'll I do? Get out of the walk-in freezer, you dodo. /(George Smith, Frederick, Md.)/ *Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? "You should have thought of that before you starting dating me." — T. Hedren /(Roy Ashley, Washington)/ *Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? Start again as what? A plastic bag?/(Jeff Contompasis) / *What's so funny 'bout peace, love and understanding? What question has never been overheard at a Tea Party rally? /(Rob Huffman)/ *How many times must a man look up before he can see the sky? In China these days, a lot. (/Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) / *How many times can a man turn his head, pretending he just doesn't see? Every Sunday if he's a back judge in the NFL. "" M. Shanahan /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)/ *What would you say if I sang out of tune — would you stand up and walk out on me? Just stick out your tongue and twerk, and it'll be fine, Miss Cyrus./(Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) / *How much is that doggie in the window? This may be Amsterdam, but even we're not /that/ liberal. /(Edward Gordon, Austin, Tex.) / *Now, what's the matter, buddy, ain't you heard of my school? That's entirely beside the point, Mr. Sandusky. /(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.)/ *Is that all there is? What is the wrong thing to say to your husband on your wedding night? /(Carol Passar, Reston, Va.)/ *Has anybody seen my gal? Manti Te'o, that's kind of why we're all here. Have /you/ seen her? /(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)/ *Where am I to go now that I've gone too far? Actually, that's the subject of today's GOP caucus meeting. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *What becomes of the brokenhearted? They purchase laxatives. /(David Leveton, Gainesville, Va.)/ *Hello, is there anybody in there? Very funny, Dr. Fridley. Now please get on with the Pap smear. /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)/ *Will you still love me tomorrow? That depends — will you sleep with me tomorrow? /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ *Listen, do you want to know a secret? We already know. — Uncle Sam, Fort Meade Me, too. "" J. Assange, London /(Pam Sweeney)/ *If I were a carpenter and you were a lady, would you marry me anyway? We agreed, David, no Village People-themed wedding! — Neil Patrick Harris /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ *Do you know the way to San Jose? Um, if you don't know how to use a GPS, may I suggest that Silicon Valley might not be for you? /(Mike Gips) / *What do you get when you fall in love? [sung] A guy who leaves the toilet seat up, Or like me, you might get beat up. . . — Rihanna /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / *Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? [sung] Don't ask the Congress: they've escaped from reality. Boehner the Clown has gone and shut down D.C.: "You're just the poor folks; you get no sympathy. You have a federal job? Off you go! Mortgage, yes; paycheck, no. Faithful public servants? You don't really matter to me . . . now flee." /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *Must it be forever inside of me? Smedley, I'm afraid you're not quite right for the rectal-thermometer quality control team. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.). / *How long has this been going on? Four and a half billion years — or for some of my neighbors, 6,000 years. /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) / *What's it all about, Alfie? Actually I'm Ned. Alfie has franchised his mountaintop consulting racket. /(Phil Frankenfeld) / *When will I be loved? You're next, Mr. Spitzer — I mean Client 9./(Bird Waring)/ *Why don't we do it in the road? The road doesn't have cable. /(Madeleine Begun Kane, New York)/ *Wasn't it yesterday we used to laugh at the wind behind us? What do you mean "yesterday," honey "" fart jokes never get old around here./(Brendan Beary) / *Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon, or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned? Wow, they told me a Sierra Club interview would be weird "" really, sir, I'm just a finance major. /(Brendan Beary)/ *Why can't a woman be more like a man? [talk-sung à la Rex Harrison; start video at 1:00] Men are disgusting; they're boorish and crass. They belch at the table, or else they pass gas. At work they pride themselves on subterfuge and meanness. The average man treats his surroundings like a rat. Each spends his lifetime in the service of his penis! Why would a woman be like that? /(Nan Reiner) / /And Last: / All the lonely people, where do they all belong? www.facebook.com/groups/style-invitational-devotees /(Gary Crockett) / *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our Week 1044 contest for funny safety rules. See bit.ly/invite1044 . /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Go SANE, or *puNEASiness, our 10th annual Tour de Fours contest, in which we seek new terms — and, this year, also funny definitions of existing ones — that all include the letter block SANE, in any order. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1046, published November 10, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1046: Derive us crazy with a bogus etymology of an expression By Pat Myers , Published: November 7 *With the invention of sushi, the craze for eating raw fish swept through ancient Japan, and the fresher the better. Excitedly, people began holding worms or beetles in their teeth and dunking their heads into the sea, hoping to attract a live fish and consume it instantly. This was called "waiting with baited breath." /(Sue Lin Chong, 1997) / No, that's not really the origin of the expression — for one thing, it's really "bated breath," as in "abated," or lessened; in other words, holding your breath. Sue Lin's fractured etymology was actually the winning entry in Week 235, a contest that the Czar repeated in 2001 but we hadn't done since. So let's give it another go. This week: Offer a bogus but funny explanation of how a particular expression originated.* Though the above example confuses two words that are pronounced the same, we'd like you to stay mostly to the actual words in the expression, rather than pun on them (e.g., "you slurper to the throne"); those are shaggy-dog stories, and perhaps they're a future contest. There's no strict word limit, but it shouldn't be much longer than the example; don't write a whole story, and always, remember that you're basically telling a joke that should build to a punch line. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, perfectly apropos to this contest, the book "I'm Not Hanging Noodles on Your Ears, and Other Intriguing Idioms From Around the World," by Jag Bhalla, who happens to be a friend of Uber-Loser Kevin Dopart, who donated it to us years and years ago after suggesting we do this very contest. (See, I get around to things eventually.) The title refers to a Russian expression equivalent to the just as odd "I'm not pulling your leg." *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 18; results published Dec. 8 (online Dec. 5). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1046" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions was submitted by both Nan Reiner and Roy Ashley; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday /. *Report from Week 1042, our 10th annual Tour de Fours contest, in which we supply a four-letter block — this year it was S-A-N-E — and ask you to make up a new word or term containing this block of letters, in any order, but with no other letters between them. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * *Senatorpedo:* Cruz missile. "The tea party's vaunted senatorpedo self-destructed shortly after its launch." /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ *2. /Winner of the book "The Big Bento Box of Unuseless Japanese Inventions": / Snyder sneak:* A football play in which the team owner dives backward while everyone else continues to move forward. Usually used only for short gains./(Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va., a First Offender)/ *3. Condé Nasty:* A guide to the places you definitely /don't/ want to go on vacation. /(Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles)/ *4. Stanes: An unsuccessful brand of underwear./(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ *The NAES:* *honorable mentions* *Tweans: Moves beyond a youthful fan base: "Miley hopes her foam finger will finally twean her off the kiddie market." /(Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.)/ *Seasnot:* Raw oysters. /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)/ *Buyenas:* Vicious creatures that attack big-box stores in feeding frenzies the day after Thanksgiving. /(Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.)/ *Phone-sax:* My extremely effective answer to unwanted calls. /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ *Dan's-end:* Hindquarters. "He's got less sense than the Dan's-end of a mule." /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *Prattlesnake:* A person who spends half an hour encouraging you to let it all out, then turns around and tells everyone what you said. /(Kyle Hendrickson, Urbana, Md.; Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ *Bellybeans:* Outies. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / *Smarmesan:* A waiter's unctuous smile: "They really lay on the smarmesan at Luigi's when they push the specials."/(Kyle Hendrickson) / *Esanem:* Rapper also known as Slam Shady. /(Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) / *Maccabeans:* Ideal side dish for this year's Thanksgivukkah Dinner. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) / *Hanes Point:* The bottom edge of the underwear waistband, which should be the acceptable limit for pants-sag: "The school sent Tyler home after catching him with his pants below Hanes Point." /(Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) / *Nosenappy: A handkerchief. /(Brian Allgar, Paris) / *Sextrasensory perception:* Innate ability to tell a creeper from a keeper. /(Kyle Hendrickson) / *Bellyjeans: What you need to change into after too much Easter candy./(Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) / *Mensa-envy:* What Mensa members — and only Mensa members — think other people have. /(Tom Witte) / *Mensahib: The smartest guy in the room. /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)/ *Meansa:* "Where smart does not always equal nice. Enjoy your rejection letter — we did." /(Rachel Tuxford, Bedford, England, a First Offender)/ *Congressmensa:* Washington's most exclusive club — no one qualifies for it. /(John Bunyan, Cincinnati) / *Can-selfie:* Modern version of the butt-Xerox. /(Jim Stiles) / *Tortoisean:* A shade beyond "Vuitton" on the skin-tone color wheel for South Florida retirees. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *Men-salute:* A grunt, if you're lucky to get that much. /(Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) / *An-sewer:* A filthy response to an innocent question. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *Sea Nerds:* Fish who excel in schools, but are awkward in spawning situations. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *Les Nats: The closest thing to a baseball team that Montreal has. /(Mark Raffman) / *SNAE:* Situation Normal, All [Expletive]. /(Brian Allgar)/ *Chiensac:* Fancy name for the plastic bag you take along when you walk the dog. /(Mae Scanlan) / *Can-esthesia:* The numbness you get after sitting way too long on the throne. /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) / *Manesthesia:* Beer. /(Jeff Contompasis; Jeff Greenspan, Fairfax, Va., whose only previous Invite ink was from 12 years ago)/ *Ginsane:* What you are after six martinis. /(Tom Witte) / *Seananity:* Silliness seen on Fox News./(William C. Kennard, Arlington, Va.) / *Defenes-nation: Throwing the country out the window. /(J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) / *Unseamly:* A description of my eighth-grade sewing project. /(Diana Oertel, San Francisco)/ *Mouse anus:* Where one can easily fit every good justification for the government shutdown. /(Frank Mann, Washington) / *Hanes Point:* Picturesque site featuring a wood sculpture called "The Morning Awakening." /(Steve Honley, Washington) / *Cinéass:* A spoiler of movie endings. "Some cinéass just told me Dil is a guy!" /(Chris Doyle) / *Anesthletic: The Golf Channel. /(David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)/ And Last: Inanesylum:* The Style Invitational. /(Frank Osen)/ And Even Laster: Lose-and-Learn:* As if. /(Mark Raffman)/ *Top of the Loser board* With his first-place win this week — his 47th! — along with his honorable mention, Chris Doyle finally passes longtime champ Russell Beland to become the highest-inking Style Invitational contestant ever, with 1,525 published entries and other mentions to his name. Chris has the astonishing ability to work a clever pun into any form of joke, from anything from sophisticated song parodies to Yo Mama jabs, but most notably the thousands of limericks he's written over the years. Here's one from 2006: At Oxford, Bill Clinton dug classes, The campus, the culture, the lasses. When he told us a tale("Ah didn't inhale"), He was looking through Rhodes-scholared glasses. *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our contest to cite a line of a song and make up a question it could answer. See bit.ly/invite1045 . /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Celebrity vs. Reality, * or Art Imitating Imitated Life, our Week 1043 contest, which asked you to suggest a TV reality show that some famous person could host. © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1047, published November 17, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1047: Bank Shots, and the most novel of celebrity reality shows By Pat Myers , Thursday, November 14, 2:05 PM *Big jump for D.C. kids on national test* // //(The Washington Post, Nov. 8)/ / /*School board hires Evel Knievel to coach 8th-graders* / *NYC age to buy tobacco highered* /(The University Daily Kansan, Nov. 5)/ W/*ill student editor be fighered? / // It's our perennial contest that we used to call "Mess With Our Heads." But this year we'd add: "Or Anyone Else's." Now that most out-of-town Invite buffs aren't able to surf all over washingtonpost. com without a paid subscription just to be able to give us free jokes, the Empress has decided to broaden the pool: This week: Quote a headline appearing in The Washington Post, washingtonpost.com or another publication, print or online, dated Nov. 14 to Nov. 25, and supply a humorous "bank" headline that either misinterprets it, as in the first example above, or comments wryly on it, as in the second one. For a non-Post headline, you'll have to include a link to a Web address where I can verify it, or, if it's in print, a scanned copy. For a head in the print Post, include the date and page number. You may omit the beginning or end of the head if that doesn't change its point substantially. What we're counting as a headline: (a) the main heading above the text of an article or ad; (b) the bank head under a headline; (c) a "jump" head on the second page of an article; (d) a subhead within an article; (e) a headline-style link from a home page to an article (you're on the honor system for those, because there's no link to give). Don't capitalize a word that's lowercase in the headline to turn it into a name. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives something very cool: an old edition of the 1830 English novel "Paul Clifford," which nobody knows but whose opening line everyone knows: "It was a dark and stormy night." Its author, Edward Bulwer-Lytton, has achieved immortality with the annual namesake contest for bad openings to a novel. Donated by intermittent Loser Larry Pryluck. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet . First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 25; results published Dec. 15 (online Dec. 12). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1047" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday /. The "fighered" joke was made in a comment by Ed Byers on Jim Romenesko's Facebook page. *Report from Week 1043, in which we asked for ideas for celebrity-focused reality shows that would be even nuttier than the actual "Vanilla Ice Goes Amish": *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *"This Old House," with new host John Boehner:* John shows a wealthy family in a decaying mansion how to save money and increase efficiency by doing no renovations and refusing to pay old debts. Co-host Norm Abrams disagrees. Next week: repeat episode. /(Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.)/ *2.* /Winner of the More Cowbell cowbell: / "Turnabout for Ted":* Sen. Ted Cruz visits a preschool and surprise — he's the teacher today! Ted's challenge is to persuade all the tykes to cooperate — even the little boy who screams all day and isn't interested in anything the other kids want to do — so they can complete their class project before recess. /(Laurie Tompkins, Rockville, Md.)/ *3.* Miley Cyrus on "Toddlers and Tiaras":* Ms. Cyrus counsels the young pageant contestants on the dangers of being typecast as cute children and demonstrates her technique for earning respect as a serious artist. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *4.* "Angela Merkel, Up Close and Personal":* The NSA begins recycling its old cellphone recordings with some classics from the archives. This week the German chancellor shares a few choice comments after her unauthorized back rub from George W. Bush in 2006./(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *Channel suff'ring: honorable mentions* *"The Ex Factor":* In this mashup of "The Bachelor" and "Beat the Clock," Larry King is surrounded by a bevy of lovely women, and must persuade one of them to marry him. He and his bride must then attempt to stay married for the remainder of the 30-minute show. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ *"George Zimmerman, Kindergarten Cop"* follows the dauntless Floridian in his new job as kindergarten teacher and incognito school security guard. Will anyone wear a hoodie to class? Will the kids talk back to the teacher? Watch a community at ease under the protection of a "good guy with a gun."/(Dan Ramish, Washington) / *"The Amazing Racist": Paula Deen, Marge Schott, Jimmy the Greek and Al Campanis travel around the world vying to insult as many different nationalities, ethnic groups and religions as they can. /(Michael Levy, Silver Spring, Md.)/ *"What Not to Wear, Sochi Edition":* Host Vladimir Putin (formerly of "Black Eyes for Queer Guys") tours the Olympics venues, rounding up suspects and sending them to fashion re-education camp. This week: how to accent a rainbow T-shirt with tar and feathers./(Frank Osen)/ *"What Knot to Wear": A behind-the-scenes look at Lady Gaga's bondage fashion videos. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ Chuck Norris was on "Flip That House,"* but he got bored after a while. /(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) / *"Burnt Citrus Is the New Black":* Martha Stewart pays a nostalgic visit back to the pen./(Dan Ramish)/ *Michael Richards at the Apollo:* To show solidarity with his audience, the comic plans to perform in blackface./(Joel R. Malkin, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)/ // "Celebrity Retox":* Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen counsel recovering recoverers through the process of dehab./(Frank Osen)/ William "Refrigerator" Perry returns to Chicago to guide his old NFL team in a high-carb nutrition regimen in ESPN's "Build-a-Bear Workshop." /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) / *"Casting Calls":* Nicolas Cage calls every producer in the Los Angeles phone directory in the hopes of being cast in a movie that doesn't suck. Tonight: A through C. /(Neal Starkman, Seattle) / ** Juice the Bogey Hunter:* After his release from prison, O.J. continues his relentless pursuit of the Real Killer and par./(John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.)/ *The Clog Whisperer:* Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher finally gets his contractor's license. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ *Bear Grylls in "Surviving the Kardashians":* Armed with a hunting knife and a roll of duct tape, the survivalist wades into a den of superficiality to face a week of shopping, partying, scandal-mongering and applying eyeliner. /(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) / *"America's Got Talons:"* Who will be able to outsnark Joan Rivers? /(Craig Dykstra)/ *"Where'd It Go?":* Each week John Boehner leads a crew around the world — through the Amazon rain forest, across the Gobi desert, beneath the Indian Ocean — in search of his spine. Tonight: Could it be in an abandoned Kentucky mine? /(Neal Starkman, whose entry actually had the House speaker searching for a pair of more intimate body parts)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for bogus explanations of the origins of common expressions: See bit.ly/invite1046 .* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Playing It Safe, or *Joking Hazards, our Week 1044 contest to come up with comical safety warnings. © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1048, published November 24, 2013 Week 1048: Ask Backwards, and some Losing safety regulations *Men at Twerk The Toronto mayor's latest revelation The Two and a Half Wise Men The Wicked Witch of the Waist 140 characters on baloney Foie gras ice cream RGX A* panini, a pineapple and a pincushion 4 miles, 27 pounds Omaha bin Laden The Empress's birthday An answer for the next Ask Backwards Once again, our beloved (or not too often behated) perennial contest: *Above are the 12 answers. You supply the questions to as many of the answers as you like,* up to the usual 25 entries total. The answers were offered up by various sources who won't be entering the contest, including the deposed Czar of the Style Invitational and the still-current Imperial Scion No. 1. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, actually in time for the holiday, a Christmas ornament two-pack: a ceramic T-shirt-shaped "Biggest Loser," presumably promoting the TV show; and, discovered by the Empress in the dollar store, "The Christmas Pickle." A card explains the "time honored, German tradition": "Following an Old World custom, parents waited until Christmas Eve to hide a small pickle ornament on the Christmas tree, tucking it out of sight among the branches. On Christmas morning, the first family member to spot the pickle was rewarded with a special blessing for the coming year and received the first present from under the tree." This turns out to be totally bogus; evidently some American ornament-maker came up with this "tradition" about the "Weihnachtsgurke," and no actual Germans have heard of it. Also, the German tradition is to open presents on Christmas Eve. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, probably one of those pictured today. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 2; results published Dec. 22 (online Dec. 19). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1048" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions was submitted by both Jeff Contompasis and Danielle Nowlin; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Report from Week 1044, in which we asked for comical safety rules: *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * To avoid spinal injuries to women, elementary school sidewalks must be poured as continuous slabs of concrete. /(Stan McCoy, Bethesda, Md., whose received his only other blot of Invite ink in 2005)/ *2. Winner of the custom-made Loser Dreidels with L-O-S-R and the Hebrew equivalents: "Staring daggers" is no longer allowed in the workplace, but "staring butter knives" will be permitted. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *3.* In the restroom: During hand-washing, the alphabet song must be sung once for Number 1, and twice for Number 2. A monitor will record compliance./(Heather Spence, New York)/ *4.* School toilet rims must be padded to prevent injury during swirlies. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / *Safety nyets: honorable mentions* All restaurants must be located at least an hour's drive from any beach or swimming pool./(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ To prevent accidental shootings, hunters must carry a device that emits a beep audible at 250 yards, along with a flashing beacon./(Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) / Children wearing zombie Halloween costumes must have a fluorescent orange sticker on their foreheads saying "FAKE ZOMBIE" so that law enforcement officers do not accidentally shoot them. /(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) / Because of last summer's brain-freeze pandemic, ice cream will now be served at room temperature. (/Barry Koch. Catlett, Va.; Martin Bancroft, Issaquah, Wash.)/ Danger: Room atmosphere is 79 percent nitrogen, an odorless, colorless gas that does not support life. Avoid breathing. /(Irene G. Plotzker, Wilmington, Del., a First Offender)/ All rigid plastic "clamshell" packaging must come with Band-Aids./(Art Grinath) / Signs must be posted at street corners: "Cross with care, especially if you are wearing tattered underwear." /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh) / Due to a recent tree-climbing incident at another Montgomery County elementary school, all trees and other vegetation exceeding 16 inches in height have been removed from school grounds. To mitigate negative aesthetic impacts, all teachers are required to wear brown footwear, brown pants and green shirts when outside during recess. /(James Adler, Potomac, Md., a First Offender)/ Place "Caution: Handrail Ending" signs at the bottoms of all staircases in your home. /(Michael Rae, Potomac, Md.)/ To minimize the chances of concussion and hand injury, always allow the Frisbee to hit the ground and come to a complete stop before picking it up and tossing it back. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / Pepper spray makes a poor steak marinade and should be labeled as such. /(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) / Goo Gone is intended for removal of residue from household surfaces and clothing, and is not recommended for use as an enema. /(Diane Yamini, Williamsburg, Va., a First Offender) / To avoid mistaken identity, everyone should have a single nine-character name generated at birth by the government. If the letters in the names alternate any of 16 distinct consonants with any of five distinct vowels, we could have 573,440,000 unique names to pass out before adding a 10th character. In fact, I have a program here that gave me the splendid names Kenalijeb, Pokajamod, Jafolonal, Nogogegaj and Piregelob. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel), Md. / At Fukushima Beach: After eating, wait 25,000 years before going in the water. /(Kevin Dopart)/ Only tweet pictures of other people's junk. — "Carlos Safety," New York /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest to reinterpret headlines by writing a "bank head" to follow it. See bit.ly/invite1047. **No Mars for you!* Remember our contest this year for haiku to send on the Maven spacecraft to Mars? We didn't think it was likely, but we did encourage y'all to send your inking entries to NASA's own contest. Well, the voters picked a bunch of winners, and they weren't the Losers'. But they might have been! In the results published by the University of Colorado, which was in charge of the contest, there's this at the bottom: "On May 23, 2013, the Washington Post acknowledged our haiku contest and ran their own contest in response (The Style Invitational Week 1023 ). . . . Alas, none of The Style's winning entries were submitted to our contest! Dear Empress: In vain we searched for shared haiku; yours must be from Venus." /See the results at bit.ly/marshaiku ./ /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Songs for the Asking, or Question Airs, a contest that sought questions that a line in a song could answer. See bit.ly/invite1045 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1049, published December 1, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1049: Movie ratings for what really matters, plus questionable songs By Pat Myers , Wednesday, November 27, 11:48 AM *Rated XY: Nothing but car chases and explosions from opening to closing credits. Women may appear but only in four-inch heels.* *Rated P: Features scenes of men talking at a urinal or women between toilet stalls, in an effort to convey intimacy and realism on a 12-foot-tall movie screen with huge loudspeakers.* *Rated AS: For Adam Sandler Stupidity, which covers 99 percent of the Sandler oeuvre. Three hundred thirty-nine-time Loser Jeff Contompasis thinks we need more specific ratings to help us avoid the particular things that bother us in the movies. This week: Come up with a new movie rating and describe it,* perhaps with a humorous example of what a movie with that rating would contain. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, just in time for New Year's Eve (maybe), a Fashion Two-Pack: First, yet another little shoe-polish-size can of Instant Underpants; you put them in water for a few minutes and they expand into a full-size pair of underpants. Of course, they'd be wet underpants, but you might not be too picky if you're turning to these things. Donated by Andrea Kelly. AND, if you don't care for briefs, a pair of Magic Boxer Shorts — 100 percent cotton — that are compressed into a boxer-short shape approximately the size of a deck of cards. Same thing with the water. Donated by Elden Carnahan. (See a video of the expanding pants at bit.ly/magicboxers. ) *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 9; results published Dec. 29 (online Dec. 26). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1049" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Mae Scanlan; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Report from Week 1045, in which we asked you to quote a song title or a line from a song and supply a question that that line might answer. Just about everyone who entered had a question about Congress to be answered by "Send In the Clowns," and every other person used "The Fool on the Hill." The lyrics quoted below have links you can click on to see what songs they're from. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /From "Ain't No Sunshine": / A. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know . . . Q. Didn't I say you couldn't stop a moving helicopter rotor by yourself? /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) / *2.* /Winner of the "King of Thrones" promotional toilet-shaped coffee mug: / /From Bruce Springsteen's "The River": /A. I got Mary pregnant, and man that was all she wrote.* Q. God, in the whole history of creation, does any event particularly stand out to You? /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *3.* /From "Sweet Dreams" by Eurythmics:/ A. Who am I to disagree?* Q. What do you think about Flushing, New York? /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *4.* /From "Imagine" by John Lennon: / A. Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can.* Q. With this kind of drug record, how do you expect me not to send you to jail this time? /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ *SEND IN THE CLOWNS: HONORABLE MENTIONS* A. There were plants and birds and rocks and things. Q. What is the typical student report from a field trip to the Smithsonian Natural History Museum? /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / A. Fight for old D.C. Q. What item is low on the agenda of the Native American Political Action Committee? /(Mark Raffman)/ A. All the sweet green icing flowing down . . . Q. Why was Timothy Leary so afraid of birthday cakes? /(Larry Gordon, Potomac, Md.)/ A. Every day of your life, for as long as you live. * Q. How often are you going to remind me of my indiscretions, Huma? /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ A. West Virginia mountain momma . *Q. In Wheeling, what follows "Your momma so easy, all the men in . . ."? /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ A. "I Can't Help but Wonder Where I'm Bound" Q. What did Anastasia Steele say when her amnesia cleared up? /(Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)/ A. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun. Q. What's unwise of you to do when the weatherman says that tomorrow there'll be sun? /(Danielle Nowlin) / A. You can tell by the way I use my walk.* Q. What makes you think my dog has been pooping on your lawn? /(Larry Gray)/ A. I'm takin' a Greyhound on the Hudson River Line . . . Q. Why are you wearing two ammo belts? /(Edward Gordon, Austin) / A. I'm standin' on a corner in Winslow, Arizona, with such a fine sight to see . . . Q. Jack, you know you can't get discovered by performing to a traffic camera, don't you? /(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)/ A. I wanna hold your hand. Q. "Will you please hold my . . . ?" /(Heather Spence, New York)/ A. The one with the waggly tail. Q. We have a complaint of lewd behavior. Which one is Miley Cyrus?/(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)/ A. I looked around and I noticed there wasn't a chair. Q. Why did you walk off the stage at the political debate, Mr. Eastwood? /(David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)/ A. You keep a-knocking but you can't come in! Come back tomorrow night and try it again. Q. Little Richard, what response did you get at healthcare.gov? (/Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / A. He's watching us all with the eye of the tiger . . . Q. Really, the NSA chief had a cornea transplant done by a veterinarian? /(Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.)/ A. The seal says ow ow ow. Q. So, Jacques, can you summarize a Canadian seal hunt? /(Bird Waring)/ A. I will follow him, follow him wherever he may go . . . Q. What is the first lesson they teach in Bratty Little Brother School? /(Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles)/ A. "I Gotta Feeling." Q. What means "I must feeling?" /(Jeff Contompasis)/ A. I got you, Babe. Q. What did Hank Aaron say as No. 715 sailed over the wall? /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ A: I said, "Hey, honey, take a walk on the wild side." Q. Mr. Reed, why did Mother Teresa slap you in the face when you met her in Heaven? /(Mark Raffman) / A. You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run.* Q. How did you ever manage cloth diapers, Gram? /(Barbara Turner; Steve Frantzich, Annapolis, Md.) / A. "Red Solo Cup."* Q. What did Han wear to protect himself against low blows from Darth Vader? /(Larry Gordon)/ A. And the Jay-Z song was on, and the Jay-Z song was on, and the Jay-Z song was on . . . Q. "So you think all the D.C. radio stations play the same stuff?" /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ A. You're gonna have to serve somebody. Q. What would make your birthday dinner special, Dr. Lecter? /(Mark Raffman) / A. "That's What Friends Are For": Q. Who would be the best model for my oatmeal box? /(Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.)/ A. Something touched me deep inside.* Q. How did you feel about Virginia's transvaginal ultrasound legislation? /(Kevin Dopart) / A. They say that the road ain't no place to start a family.* Q. Why don't we do it in the road? /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / A. Come on and safari with me.* Q. Mr. Cheney, what would you like to tell your many critics? /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) / A. It looks like it's climbin' clear up to the sky . . . Q: What happens if you take a double dose of Viagra? /(Beverley Sharp)/ A. 'Tis Grace hath brought me safe thus far, and Grace will lead me home.* Q. Do you have a designated driver? /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)/ A.*Oh, I can't keep it in, I can't keep it in, I've gotta let it out . . . * Q. Still sexting, Mr. Weiner? /(Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.)/ A. There's a bad moon on the rise. * Q. What do Creedence Clearwater Revival members tell guests who ask where they can find the facilities? /(Danielle Nowlin)/ *This is my quest: to follow that star, no matter how hopeless, no matter how far. "Why are you disregarding Heidi Klum's lawyers and their restraining order?" /(Brendan Beary)/ A. We haven't had that spirit here since 1969.* Q: Remember those groovy pep rallies we used to have here at the commune? /(Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.) / A. "Make Me Smile." * Q. When Leonardo da Vinci picked "dare" instead of "truth," what challenge did Lisa come up with for him? /(Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.)/ A:*"Watching Scotty Grow." Q: What's your favorite scene in "Star Trek: The Nude Generation XXX"? /(Kevin Dopart)/ /And Last: / A. Sometimes I wonder why I spend the lonely night dreaming of a song. Q. Do you ever think maybe there's more to life than these stupid contests? /(Brendan Beary) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our perennial Ask Backwards contest, in which we give you 12 random answers and you tell us the questions. See bit.ly/invite1048 .* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (usually published late Thursday, but this week it's late Wednesday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Derive Us Crazy, or *Disfigures of Speech, a contest that sought bogus explanations for the origins of familiar expressions. See bit.ly/invite1046 . © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1050, published December 8, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1050: Just redo it — enter any of the past year's contests By Pat Myers , Published: December 5 Have you ever read the Invite winners and /then/ come up with an entry that obviously would have won had you sent it three weeks earlier?(Clearly some of you have, since we repeatedly get entries from people who send them after the results are posted; perhaps they figure we'll alter the progress of time and fit them in last week.) Well, here's your annual chance to catch up on the past year: This week: Enter any Style Invitational contest from Week 1000 through Week 1046. Use as few or many contests as you like, up to 25 entries total. You may refer to events that have occurred since the contest was published (except for the Week 1004 obit poems, which should still be about people who died in 2012); for contests that ask you to use that week's paper, use this week's. Since there's only so much space in the print paper, longer-form entries are likely to run only online. Thanks to the bizarre devotion of Ur-Loser Elden Carnahan, you can see all the contests — with links to both text and PDF versions (you'll need to see pictures if you want to enter a caption contest) — at the Master Contest List* on his Web site, *nrars.org ,* where he also keeps his exhaustive Loser Stats. (If Elden's site happens to crash, you can see the vast majority of contests at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational .) You'll also be able to check that your entry doesn't repeat the idea of one that already got ink. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a prize donated eons ago by Megaloser Beverley Sharp, brought back from a sightseeing trip to Israel: a souvenir T-shirt featuring a cartoon of a native ibex doing the perennial tourist stunt of lying on one's back and reading the newspaper in the super-buoyant salty waters of the Dead Sea. ("They were out of rocket mortars," noted Beverley.) *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 16; results published Jan. 5 (online Jan. 2). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1050" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Elden Carnahan; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Report from Week 1046 , in which we asked for totally bogus stories of the origins of familiar expressions, even more bogus than the "true" ones you can find on the Internet: *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial "Is this the face that launched a thousand ships?" was actually an expression of surprise among ancient Greeks that Helen of Troy was so beautiful, since it was customary for the Greek queen to use her forehead to butt new vessels into the water. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ *2.* /Winner of the book"I'm Not Hanging Noodles on Your Ears, and Other Intriguing Idioms From Around the World" :/ In the day when a woman wore "pin money" — pinned where a gent would blush to glance — she sometimes would spend it too early in the evening. And so someone might say, "Jane had to walk all the way home because she was flat busted." /(Dana Austin, Falls Church, Va.)/ *3.* Pierre L'Enfant, designer of the "Federal City" street grid (and thereafter known as "L'Enfant Terrible"), showed a crude sketch of his plan for the new city to George Washington. The president, even though he had been a successful surveyor, inexplicably approved the haphazard doodle, calling out special praise for what were actually teacup stains. Unwilling to acknowledge his sloppiness, L'Enfant hastily described them as "traffic circles."/(Lew Clayman, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender)/ *4.* The phrase "built like a brick (out)house" originated with the Egyptian pyramid builders. Today it refers to someone who is sturdy and robust, but at that time it meant flimsy and shoddy, as ancient Egyptian (out)houses were made of five-ton stone blocks./(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ *Eh-tymologies: Honorable mentions* In London back in 1827, the number 9 on the face of Big Ben had loosened and was in imminent danger of being knocked off by the hour hand. The intricate numeral was too delicate to withstand a bolt or nail, so the plan was to rush up the tower to tie the 9 back onto the clock face. But as the worker climbed onto the scaffolding to stitch the 9 in time and save it, his foot hit a bucket and he fell to his death. Thus the expression "to kick the bucket." /(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)/ The sport of competitive eating goes back many centuries. In the 12th century, the greatest champion of them all hailed from remote China. Time and time again, overconfident challengers failed attempting to "bite off more than Won Kan Chu." /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) / During the times when the disease of consumption was widespread, it was rare to see anyone laugh. For one thing, if a victim dared to so much as giggle, a hacking cough would sometimes bring up a small piece of lung. So if something wasn't especially humorous, it was categorized as "no laughing matter." /(Frank Osen)/ More than 200 years ago, William Herschel discovered a new planet and secured his place in history. But he also described alien cities he'd supposedly seen on the planet surface. Even back then, people knew not to believe that, and so talking nonsense became known as "talking about Uranus" (later corrupted to "talking out your lower back region"). /(Martin Bancroft, Issaquah, Wash.) / In the mildly depressed city of Seattle, a man named Fred Starbucks had an idea to open a coffee shop with strong brews and a hefty price. "No one will pay $2 for a cup of joe," scoffed the critics. And indeed, the first customer showed up with only $1.75 in his pocket. Fred informed him firmly: "That and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee." /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) / Anglo-Saxon tradition mandated that when a groom jilted a bride, the best man was obligated to provide comfort and even wed her instead. Typically, this occurred in arranged marriages to undesirable women, and the best man would be left "holding the bag." /(Jeff Contompasis) / Unscrupulous agents in New York would lie in wait for aspiring actors, singers, comedians, etc., streaming in from all over the country to make their name. The worst of these "sharks" would pounce on fresh-faced kids trying to make it on Broadway. These agents became known as "great whites," which is why Broadway was dubbed the "Great White Way." /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ Women don't just go to the restroom together: When ladies go in for a "Brazilian" before swimsuit season, sometimes they'll go to the salon as a group and chant together as a way to distract themselves during the uncomfortable procedure: "For looking smooth while at the beach, I'll put up with this final SCREECH!" This came to be known as "waxing poetic." /(Jeff Shirley) / In 19th-century France, chefs at elite culinary institutes would instruct students in basic skills such as roasting a chicken. If an instructor found a student's chicken less than perfect, the arrogant chef would place his middle finger in the chicken's exposed cavity and catapult it off the table into the garbage. This scornful gesture became known as "flipping the bird." /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ Long ago in some Asian kingdoms, a guest suspected of being untrustworthy would be presented with food that not only looked unappetizing but also had clearly been dropped on the carpet. If the guest ate it, he proved polite and trusting, if a little naive. This process was called "giving the hairy eyeball." /(Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) / In the world of the wolf, being Alpha Dog means everything. And how does the wolfpack determine who the Alpha is? As soon as they can stand, the male pups jockey for position, to see which of them can pee on his brothers first and longest. Which is why obtaining an edge is called "getting a leg up on the competition." /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: our Week 1049 contest for alternative ratings to warn viewers about certain elements of movies. See bit.ly/invite1049 .* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Bank Shots, or *Heh-Lines, our perennial contest in which you quote a real headline from the paper and reinterpret it by pairing it with a meaning-changing "bank headline," or subtitle. See bit.ly/invite1047 . © The Washington Post Company pixel ====================================================================== WEEK 1051, published December 15, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1051: Love the tiny tail stain — an anagram contest; plus bank heads By Pat Myers , Published: December 12 *"I, George Walker Bush, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States and will, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States." . . . *Anagrams to: * "We, Karl Rove and G.W. Bush, do solemnly swear that we'll faithfully disinfect this here tainted office of President and, to the best of our ability, update the effete Constitution to help us to get elected next time. Yes, sir." /(Chris Doyle, Week 554) / For those not yet into the mind-set, today's headline is an anagram of The Style Invitational, and just as it did in 2004, it introduces an anagram contest. Even back then, anagram-generating software was readily available online, but while it would (and still will) give you a list of useful words, it doesn't supply the gobs of creativity and cleverness needed to get ink in this contest, not to mention acing it the way Incredible Loser Chris Doyle did in the 178-character entry above. Good thing the Empress still has all those gobs to turn to: This week: Create an anagram — a text with the letters rearranged — of any text(except merely someone's name), of any length, referring to something or someone in the news.* You must use every letter in your original exactly once; in other words, think of your text as a pile of Scrabble tiles; then rearrange /all/ those tiles, while adding no others. (You may add any punctuation or capitalization you like.) In fact, for passages of just a few words, you can do just fine with your Scrabble set. But it's also fine to use such free programs as Anagram Artist by one-time Loser Mike Keith or, for lines of no more than 30 characters, Anagram Genius. And before you send in your entry, I highly recommend you use Anagrammy.com's easy Anagram Checker, which will tell you if you've left out a letter or added a stray one. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, commensurate with the effort required for this contest, a leather coin sack — er, sac — made from the scrotum of a kangaroo. Donated to us by Style Invitational Devotee Chris Hansen, who brought it back from Australia. (We gave one of these out before, but it seems that a pair would be fitting.) *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag, possibly the new model shown today. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 23; results published Jan. 12 (online Jan. 9). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1051" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by William Kennard; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group — new members get their names anagrammed as a welcome — on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *It's Grossery Bag 2.0* Pictured above is a mockup of the latest Style Invitational Grossery Bag, one of two Loser prizes for future third- and fourth-place finishers; the slogan is by Hall of Fame Loser Tom Witte, the design for the logo spoof by Bob Staake. We're just about out of Bag 1.0, "Almost Valuable Player," Melissa Balmain's winning entry in 2011 for the bag-slogan contest; Tom's idea was a runner-up. As opposed to the current cheapo "non-woven polyester," this bag will be a nice Whole Foodsy cotton. *Report from Week 1047, our perennial "Bank Shots" contest, in which we asked you to find an actual headline, then write a "bank head" that reinterprets the headline or comments wryly on it. This year, however, we opened it up to headlines in any publication, not just The Post; we got heads from everything from the Times of London to the Deming (N.M.) Headlight. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial * /Actual headline: / Parent pressures gay son to change* /Bank head: /'What nice young man would look twice at you in that ratty old sweatshirt?' mother wonders /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ *2.* /Winner of the old copy of Edward Bulwer-Lytton's 1830 novel "Paul Clifford," whose opening line is "It was a dark and stormy night":/ // *Metro to stay open late for Redskins* Honkies, coloreds file discrimination complaint/(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)/ *3.* Accepting a medal for the movement* New potty-training ceremony takes self-esteem trend too far, some say /(Michael Jacobs, Columbia, Md.) / *4. Typhoon survivors await aid in Philippines — in pictures* Disaster victims to receive photos of food and medicine /(Brian Allgar, Paris)/ *Outer banks: honorable mentions* *Arkansas offers tourists a much-needed escape* Thousands accept, flee back to home states /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *Bulger begins serving life term* Sentence for wearing too-tight pants is called too severe /(Roy Ashley, Washington)/ *Boys face more danger than girls in womb* Unless womb is in China or India /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ *Good health, good luck . . . and a lot of horrible losses 'At least we have 1 out of 3,' Washington fans console themselves /(Steve Honley, Washington) / *Katrina. Hitler. Enough.* Kanye, Kim reveal other baby names on their shortlist /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ *About 1 million expected to leave Washington area for Thanksgiving *Exactly 535 won't be welcomed back /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / *John Boehner must act on immigration now* But can he find a country that will receive him? /(Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)/ *FCC will consider allowing cellphone calls on planes* FAA will consider new Dulles departure route right over FCC building /(Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) / *Obama health fix creates confusion President's physicians have second thoughts on treating his head cold with heroin /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ *'We just . . . had the best time' Male, female Marine Corps Marathon champs modestly explain why they won /(Mae Scanlan, Washington) / *Man charged with 4 armed robberies* Fugitive Hindu deity accused of holding up liquor stores /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.; Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.)/ *How does a Secret Service bullet get left behind? 'I don't know; I was aiming for his /right /buttock,' agent says /(Roy Ashley)/ *Media focus on speed has a price: accuracy Bank Head Goes Here /(Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.)/ *A senator's lonely quest to embarrass Congress Step 1: Explain concept of embarrassment /(Gary Crockett)/ *Russia pursues performance artist who nailed himself to Red Square in protest* Man 'amazingly elusive' for someone fastened to ground /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / *Yellen is poised to win GOP support McConnell also favors screamin', holdin' of breath; Boehner opts for cryin' /(Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.)/ *Ted Turner wants to go to heaven Clarifies: 'No rush' /(Madeleine Begun Kane, New York)/ *A big paycheck matters less than you think Publishers Clearing House to end signature photo-ops /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) / *Bank jobs fall out of favor* Jewelry stores are easier targets, robbers say /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / *Appeals court rules in favor of Johns Hopkins Opinion: Public will 'just have to deal with the S' /(Elden Carnahan; John Shea, Philadelphia) / *Saxons topple Bruins* Atholstaf, Ethelred killeth manye bear /(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) / *Three American men put romance at the heart of it *Three out of 140 million sounds about right, U.S. ladies say/(Brendan Beary) / *Tiny things hurt the Hoyas* Low machismo affects players' morale; coach bans photographers from locker room /(Michael Greene; Brendan Beary; Jeff Shirley, Richmond) / *House panel questions flier screens* Senate should not design airplanes, committee concludes after disastrous pressure drop /(Barbara Turner) / *Next-generation tablets* Placebos accidentally enter birth control pills' supply chain /(Brendan Beary) / *Carolina hangs on to win in a controversial finish* Civil War reenactment at Ft. Sumter goes badly awry /(Steve Honley)/ *D.C. mayor weds same-sex couple at city hall Threesome heads off to honeymoon in undisclosed location/(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) / *Health law fracas leaves Congress in limbo* Lawmakers bend over backward to see how low they can go /(Mark Raffman) / *Athletes can be bullies long after middle school* Long-term career opportunities available for young teens/(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) / *Federal agency says it will consider pinto abalone for endangered species listing Rare snail explodes when bumped from behind /(Mike Gips)/ *Incognito attempts to recoup lost pay *'We can't write you checks if you won't tell us your names,' say exasperated employers/(Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) / *How does all this work? Pilot's question prompts copilot to abort takeoff /(Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)/ *Great Odin's raven! That's a lot of red ink, Newseum! Random word generator super fun for writing headlines, WaPo staffers say /(Danielle Nowlin)/ /And last: / It's time to raise D.C.'s minimum wage* SI Losers demand two magnets for honorable mentions /(Roy Ashley) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: your chance to enter any of the previous year's contests. See bit.ly/invite1050. /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Ask Backwards, or Carnac Knowledge, our perennial contest in which we supply a list of answers and you supply the questions, a la Johnny Carson's Carnac the Magnificent. See bit.ly/invite1048 . © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1052, published December 22, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1052: Clue Us In — a backward crossword; plus Ask Backwards By Pat Myers , Published: December 19 Exactly 100 years ago Saturday, the New York World published a diamond-shaped "word-cross" puzzle containing such clues as "a talon" and "the fibre of the gomuti palm," and untold millions of enthusiasts have been filling in little squares with the word for the fibre of the gomuti palm ("doh") ever since. And exactly six years ago (well, six years ago this month) The Style Invitational published its first Clue Us In puzzle, and untold dozens of enthusiasts have sent us a list of clues for the words in an already filled-in grid. But we still haven't used "doh." Maybe next time. Above is the solution to a crossword by Bob Klahn that ran in The Post on Dec. 2. This week: Come up with up to 25 creative, funny clues for the words and multi-word terms that appear in the grid.* (You can see Bob's actual creative clues at bit.ly/grid1052 , along with a printable grid.) The clues should be very brief but don't have to be quite as short as required for a real crossword. You can see the results of our last backward crossword — winning entry: "RAH: The Egyptian god who demanded sacrifices of human pyramids," by Barbara Turner — at bit.ly/invite1010. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives yet another of our prize bottles of Critter-Infused Elixir From the East: This one, brought to us directly from Vietnam by Hall of Fame Loser Stephen Dudzik, contains both a scorpion and a snake! (This photo is from Wikipedia, but it looks much like it.) Stephen is once again playing host to the Losers' Post-Holiday Party next month, so maybe it's a good thing we took this baby off his hands. (If you win and are not of drinking age, or if you live too far for us to ship it to you safely, or if you just don't want it, we'll substitute another prize.) *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 30; results published Jan. 19 (online Jan. 16). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1052" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line was suggested by both Kevin Dopart and Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group — new members get their names anagrammed as a welcome — on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Report from Week 1048, our perennial Ask Backwards contest, in which we offer up 12 answers and you supply the questions: *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial * A. The Wicked Witch of the Waist Q. Who said, "Bring me the girl, and the little dog, too — but substitute a small salad for the fries, and can I have the dressing on the side?"? /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ *2.* Winner of the "Biggest Loser" and "Christmas Pickle" ornaments: A. 140 characters on baloney Q. What is: O baloney has a key job Up hi upon the Hill In a sea of fog it covers up Each newly minted bill U may get mad or even cry My hope has never run so hi The 535 Club all get by On B A L O N E Y /(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)/ *3.* A. The Toronto mayor's latest revelation Q. What is "I'm Marion Barry's secret son!"? /(Jeff Wolfson, Potomac, Md., who got his only previous Invite ink in 1998; Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) / *4.* A. Two and a Half Wise Men Q. Who brought gold, frankincense, and . . . Dude! Where's my myrrh? /(Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)/ *Irrational enquirers: honorable mentions* *4 MILES, 27 POUNDS How much spaghetti does Chris Christie eat in a week? /(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)/ What distance must be walked, and how much door-knocking, for a mayoral candidate in Kasaan, Alaska, to reach all voters?/(Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.)/ What are Olive Oyl's vital statistics? /(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) / *THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WAIST* Who terrified the Cowardly Loin? /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ Whose one weird trick can melt away your extra holiday pounds using only a bucket of water?/(Dan Ramish, Washington) / Who is the goblin who lives in your closet and shrinks your clothes at night? /(Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.)/ Who was the sworn enemy of Oz — and Lbs? /(Steve Honley, Washington) / *MEN AT TWERK* What do you call a group of 120-pound guys operating jackhammers? (/Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / By what name is the all-male fan club called the Wrecking Balls also known?/(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / Who sang, "I come from a gland Down Under"? /(Chris Doyle) / What is the title of the long lost film clip of Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly dancing cheek to cheek? /(Cheryl Davis, Arlington, Va.)/ What was the name of the band One Direction before someone realized no actual men were involved? /(Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) / *TWO AND A HALF WISE MEN* Now do you see, Billy, why we do not roughhouse next to the Christmas decorations? /(Heather Spence, New York) / Who said "Hail, King of the Jews," "We come to offer Thee homage" and "I think you need to change the kid's diaper"? /(Brian Allgar, Paris) / What was on the menu for the Donner Christmas Party? /(Bird Waring) / What was the unfortunate result when Amahl left his crutch in the doorway where someone could trip over it? /(Heather Spence) / *140 CHARACTERS ON BALONEY* What is the final exam at Sailor Jerry's Tattoo School? /(Bird Waring) / What show was shelved in favor of Disney on Ice? /(Cheryl Davis) / What comes from Tweets & Watson ? /(Jonathan Hardis) / What is even less titillating than one character tweeting his salami? /(Michael Jacobs, Columbia, Md.) / What do they call lunch break at the Pirandello play festival auditions? /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)/ *FOIE GRAS ICE CREAM* Why shouldn't France have been given the recipe for ice? /(Michael Polillo, Stevensville, Md., a First Offender) / What flavor is Ben and Jerry's "It Ain't Chopped Liver"/? (Ward Kay)/ What dessert is so delicious you just want to force it down your esophagus? /(Dan Ramish) / Which French export are economists predicting will be as successful in America as Renault? /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) / What delicacy was mistakenly created when an American frozen treat company instructed a French supplier: "Deliver immediately!" /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ *RGX* Who's the overhyped starting quarterbot for the 2160 Washington Snyders?/(Rob Huffman)/ What the name of the new Mazda model that runs well but has trouble passing? /(Ward Kay) / *OMAHA BIN LADEN* Who sells afterlife-virgins insurance? /(David Patch, Toledo, Ohio, a First Offender)/ What movie trailer opens with the line "The steaks have never been more deadly"?/(Damon Thompson, Washington) / Who set up his headquarters in a cave in Boring Boring?/(Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) / What is the CIA's name for an "enhanced interrogation" technique involving an ear of corn? /(Mark Raffman) / Who put the "gee" in jihad? /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *A PANINI, A PINEAPPLE AND A PINCUSHION* You're out of TP. In what order would you use these items?/(Heather Spence; Steve Honley)/ What props did Miley try and discard in favor of the foam finger?/(Paul Edlund, Frederick, Md., a First Offender; Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) / What's in the swag bag for the Italian Hawaiian Cross-Stitchers' annual luncheon?/(Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) / In Zimbabwe, what three items are you required to eat before you can register as an opposition candidate? /(Andy Bassett) / *THE TORONTO MAYOR'S LATEST REVELATION* What is the admission that he doesn't like hockey, beer, maple syrup OR Gordon Lightfoot?/(Rob Huffman; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / What is "When I'm really drunk, I snort the white lines on city streets"? (/Chris Doyle) / What will push an Iranian nuclear explosion off the front page? /(Doug Hamilton, College Park, Md.) / What is that his real first name is Edsel? /(Tom Witte) / *AN ANSWER FOR THE NEXT ASK BACKWARDS*: What will cause you to invent several genuinely funny entries while reading the results of the next Ask Backwards? /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *THE EMPRESS'S BIRTHDAY *What drove candle wax futures to an all time high? /(Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) / In the fart-control underwear industry, Black Friday falls immediately before what date? /(Frank Osen) / What day are the Moscow stables closed? /(Ward Kay)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our anagram contest; see bit.ly/invite1051. /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Be Rating, or For Immature Audiences Only, our contest for new movie ratings to warn viewers of particular bothersome qualities. See bit.ly/invite1049 . © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1053, published December 29, 2013 Style Invitational Week 1053: Questionable Journalism, plus new movie ratings By Pat Myers , Thursday, December 26, 11:46 AM *A: We were in the Guggenheim for almost three hours and had absolutely no idea what the heck was going on.* *Q: What would you hate to overhear one doctor say to another as they leave the operating room after brain surgery on your wife? /(Tom Kreitzberg, 2003)/ The "answer" in the entry above, the winner of Week 501, was actually about an avant-garde art museum installation. But taking statements out of context is a proud tradition here in Loserland, especially in this contest that we've done at least seven times before, and is similar to the bank headline contest we ran six weeks ago.*This week: Quote an actual sentence, from The Washington Post, washingtonpost.com or another print or online publication dated between Dec. 26 and Jan. 6, and follow it with a question that the sentence might answer. You may omit the beginning and/or the end of the sentence if the cut doesn't significantly change its meaning; for example, you can leave out "Smith said," but you can't change "Parents say the tests don't reflect what's taught in the classroom" to "Parents say the tests don't reflect," and then write something about mirrors. If the actual sentence is a fragment(i.e., it's not technically a sentence because it doesn't have both a subject and a verb), we'll count it as a sentence anyway. For stories and ads in the print Post, include the page number; for online articles, please copy part of the story or the URL of the page where you found the sentence. For print-only articles from other publications, you're on the honor system, but make sure you copy the sentence correctly. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this smokin' hot oven mitt donated by 156-time Loser Nan Reiner, who noted that it bears a distinct resemblance to the Empress's predecessor, the Czar of the Style Invitational, except that the mitt man is wearing little wire nipple rings. What we want to know is how Nan knew that the Czar's nipple rings are actually star-shaped and have tassels dangling from them. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 6; results published Jan. 26 (online Jan. 23). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1053" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is b Danielle Nowlin; the alternative headline for the "next week's results" line is by Art Grinath. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Report from Week 1049, in which we asked you to suggest some new movie ratings to warn against various objectionable aspects of films: And we also wanted to share a few more honorable mentions from the Week 1047 bank headlines contest. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial* *Rated HMO:* Heroic music overload. A surplus of swirling, surging swells of sound at point after point in the film, such as when the main character squares his shoulders and decides to cross the street and buy himself a soda. /(John Shea, Philadelphia)/ *2.* /Winner of the Instant Underpants plus the Magic Boxer Shorts:/ *Rated WEF: Weird enough to be foreign./(Madeleine Begun Kane, New York) / *3.* Rated PF: Plot-free. Remember the bit you saw in the trailer where the scantily clad woman went on a car chase through a minefield? Well, there's 90 minutes of posturing and then that./(Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)/ *4.* Rated BNS:* Badly needs subtitles. "At least that movie about Scottish addicts was BNS; it would've been more depressing if we'd understood it." /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ *Rating in the wings: honorable mentions* *Rated MC-17:* It might star the same actress, but it's sooo not a Hannah Montana movie. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ *Rated Y:* Completely unnecessary remake of an earlier movie./(Bill Munson, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)/ *Rated ZZZ: Movie features Abraham Lincoln but no vampires. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.,)/ *Rated PV-13:* Theaters have been ordered to show 13 previews first. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/ *Rated AABA:* Americans attempting British accent. /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ *Rated WA:* Protagonist gets tired of mature, opinionated, girlfriend/wife telling him he's a big jerk. Meets and falls madly in love with sweet, uncritical, tantalizingly sexy young woman. Written and directed by Woody Allen. /(Mark Asquino, Washington) / *Rated NC-17-s:* Warning: Movie contains 17 or more seconds of Nicolas Cage. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *Rated PNP:* Made by a noted director, so you can pretend it's not porn. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ *Rated PB-4:* Running time exceeds three hours. /(Danielle Nowlin) / *Rated P+G: Essentially a soap opera./(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)/ *Rated He: Contains squeaky voices that will be endlessly imitated by either your children or that irritating co-worker in the next cubicle. /(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)/ *Rated H2O:* The script conveniently includes a rainstorm, water sprinkler, or pratfall into a pool resulting in wet shirts, skirts and flirts./(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ *Rated UN:* Features people yelling and pointing fingers at each other, followed by a lengthy intermission, then ends with people yelling and pointing fingers./(Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) / *Rated O: The female characters have gone through a traumatic divorce, been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, found spiritual fulfillment, or experienced some combination of these, or at a bare minimum have recently enjoyed a novel by Nicholas Sparks./(Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles)/ *Rated MMM: Contains George Clooney./(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ *Rated ASAP2DVD:* Look for it in the Walmart $4.98 bin in a couple of months. /(Dan O'Day, Alexandria, Va.; Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) / *Rated 2HCFT: Two-hour toy commercial./(Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.)/ *Rated EW:* May contain references to parental intercourse. /(Beverley Sharp)/ *Rated NGES:* Not as good as his early stuff./(Gary Crockett) / *Rated CN:* Nobody rates Chuck Norris. /(Mike Ostapiej)/ *More bank headlines from Week 1047* /Actual headline:/ Kid needs a name? Let the Web decide* /Bank head:/ Zoo execs don't rule out naming panda cub 'Some Pig' /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ *New push to limit Va. out-of-state admissions* Funds sought for electrified fence on W.Va. border/(Elden Carnahan)/ *Court: Family must return ancient tablet to Germany First aspirin manufactured by Bayer family to be sent home /(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) / *Bills would pave the way for Internet gambling* 'Make them unmarked hundreds,' Hill aide requests/(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / *Federal school grants produce mixed results Lettuce earns an A at USDA U., but tomatoes get failing grade/(Mark Raffman)/ *Study digs into modern-day dogs' European ancestry* Genetic link found between Anthony Weiner, Henry VIII/(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) / *Virginia responds to message* New York Sun runs tot's open letter to Santa: 'So where's my pony?' /(Brendan Beary) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our reverse crossword, where we supply a filled-in grid and you write some clues. See bit.ly/invite1052.* *LOOK WHO'S NOT TALKING: The Empress isn't posting her Style Conversational column this week on washingtonpost.com. But she'll be happy to answer questions, publicly or privately, about this week's contest: Either e-mail her at pat.myers@washpost.com or post a question for all to see on the Style Invitational Devotees page at on.fb.me/invdev . She'll respond pretty fast and promises not to mock you. Too much. *Next week's results: Just Redo It, or Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Recycled Ideas,* our contest that invited you to enter or reenter any of the year's previous contests. See bit.ly/invite1050 . © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1054, published January 5, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1054: Dead Letters — our obit poem contest; plus the year in redo By Pat Myers , Published: January 2 *Mikhail Kalashnikov has died. "ƒHe designed the AK-47. "ƒLet's hope Saint Peter lets him slide "ƒ(After all, he helped fill Heaven!).* As we welcome Little Squalling Infant 2014, it's the Style Invitational's tradition to mark the other end of the life "cycle" by "honoring," in verse, those who just missed the chance to assist in the delivery. This week: Write a short, humorous poem commemorating someone(or maybe even something) who died in 2013,* as in the example above from Washington Post Oddest Odist Gene Weingarten. It doesn't have to rhyme, but poems that do rhyme, as well as those with a consistent meter, tend to work better as light verse. Song parodies are not forbidden. As always, long poems have to be funny enough to justify taking up a lot of space, and they're more likely to run only online. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, in honor of the holiday of Epiphany, a hotel-minibar-size bottle of "anointing oil" that Loser Marleen May picked up in Israel. It contains "myrrh, frankincense, and spikenard" (you'll have to provide your own pyrite). And since we're feeling especially gift-bearing, we'll toss in a small container of Doctor Wacko's Silly Sludge. "Stretch it! Pour it! Watch it drip!" *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 13; results published Feb. 2 (online Jan. 30). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1054" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Mark Raffman; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. /.. *Report from Week 1050, our annual look back at most of the year's previous contests, in which we invited readers a second chance to enter: *THE WINNER OF THE INKIN' MEMORIAL *Week 1036, "Liffs," place names used as new terms:* *Natchez: More than merely. "Peepa talk funny'n lotta places, natchez Miss-sippy." /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) / *2. /Winner of the Dead Sea souvenir T-shirt featuring a sunbathing ibex :/ * Week 1009, write something about someone using only the letters in the person's name:* Manti Te'o: I meet a mate; I mention a moment, an intimate tete-a-tete, a time; I omit to note I met mate on Net, mate ain't animate, mate a man . . . An Onion meme? I nominate me. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ *3.* Week 1003, repurposed ad slogans: "Because you're worth it" (L'Oreal) . . . for Dollar Tree. /(Kristen Rowe, Silver Spring, Md.)/ *4.* Week 1012, current-events limericks:* Said Obama, "The people will hail My 'Affordable' Act and regale Me with hearty huzzahs!" The reality was: When he rolled the thing out: Epic fail. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *Mulligan stew: honorable mentions* *Week 1000, change a word by one letter:* Momfoolery: Mrschief. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ *Week 1003, repurposed ad slogans:* For Depends: "You're soaking in it."/(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / For a chastity belt: "Look, Ma, no cavities!"/(Roy Ashley, Washington) / *Week 1004, 2012 obit poems:* It's time we accorded Neil Armstrong his due — Assuming his death wasn't falsified, too. /(Brendan Beary)/ The Ravens won the Super Bowl, But Art Modell was not around; His owner's suite — God rest his soul — Was two yards underneath the ground. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *Week 1005, joint legislation:* The Yoho-Kaine-Kildee-Payne Act to legalize "medical prostitution." /(Kelley Rogers, Darnestown, Md., a First Offender)/ The Pocan-Cotton-Holding-Titus Act regulating the thickness and resiliency of bra fabrics./(Michael Jacobs, Columbia, Md.)/ *Week 1006, superheroes:* Eye-Tee: Has the ability to slow or disable any software and hardware by "upgrading" it./(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *Week 1007, crossword clues: ARROGATE: Woodward and Bernstein investigate the team-name brouhaha. /(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) / *Week 1008, rearrange the words in a movie title:* "Sheba, Come Back Little": A man sends his spouse to a fat farm. /(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) / "Club Dallas Buyers": When a Black Friday riot breaks out, Texas mall cops take matters into their own hands./(Mark Raffman) / *Week 1009, write something using only the letters in the person's name:* Donald Trump: Rump on top. /(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)/ *Week 1010, cartoon captions (see cartoon on left side of this page):* A rare public appearance by the least popular Doody sibling, Hidey /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ *Week 1015, bogus music trivia:* "Vuvuzela" is Zulu for "butt trumpet." /(Jeff Contompasis) / *Week 1016, "breed" two racehorses from a list of 100 and name the "foal": Really Sharp x Palace Malice = Etui, Brute? /(Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles)/ *Week 1019, headlines using just one vowel not counting Y:* 'Fast' Star's Car Crash: Macadam 1, Man 0. /(Mark Raffman) / Toronto's Rob Ford on D.C. Sports Show : Boozy Bozo's Sooo Not Sorry! /(Mark Raffman) / *Week 1020, "grandfoals": * Urine the Money x A Penny Urned = Second Kidney Sold /(Danielle Nowlin)/ Round Yon Virgin x Unlimited Losses = Carol of the Bills /(Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)/ *Week 1023, haiku to be sent to Mars: Here's greetings from Earth Thirty minutes to your door By Amazon drone /(Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) / *Week 1024, alphabet couplets:* E's for Enrolling in health care — now book me! F's for the Fifty-three times that it took me. /(Danielle Nowlin)/ *G is for GOP overwrought drama. H is for Handshake by Castro, Obama. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / K is for Karma "" they'll reap what they sow. L is for Lawsuit, when Karma's too slow. /(John Shea, Philadelphia)/ M for Mandela: huge chains he helped break. N for the nut job who "signed" at his wake. /(Nan Reiner)/ O's for Obama--his selfie was swell! P's for POed (as in: "Look at Michelle!"). /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / *Week 1026, "You might . . .": You might want to cut back on the coffee if you have trouble finding a vein for your French IV drip. /(Jeff Contompasis) / You might be too much of a cat person if everyone says you and your cat are beginning to look alike. And it's because you've had plastic surgery to look like a cat. /(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) / *Week 1027, paired building elements at particular places: At the Statue of Liberty: Sign on benches: "Your Tired"; sign on trash cans: "Your Wretched Refuse" /(Beverley Sharp)/ *Week 1029, a song parody to describe a movie: "Silver Linings Playbook" (to "Puttin' on the Ritz" ) Dad's an OCD high roller, Son's been in the bin (bipolar), Life's the pits "" givin' mom the fits. There's this girl who's sad and fragile— Thinks she'll make the son be agile Dancer of the hits—though she is a ditz. But she rouses him out of his stupor, And soon he's dancing just like Bradley Cooper — super-duper ... /(Frank Osen) / "Gravity" (to "Around the World in 80 Days" ) Around the world filmed in 3-D: The spinning scene, on Imax screen Has really sickened me. The plot is hard to take, indeed, The most absurd that I have heard Since Bullock starred in "Speed" When Clooney shows up by her side, Thought he was toast, now he's a ghost-ly Kind of tour guide. No more will I twirl all around the world, For I have hurled my lunch on you. /(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) / *Week 1031, words within words: R'amen': God's gift to the starving grad student. /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)/ Will'iam Christ'opher: The actor rose above his Father Mulcahy role, providing all-you-can-eat fish dinners to the "M*A*S*H" crew./(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ N'oven'a: Lighting every candle at church after your girlfriend tells you she's nine days late. /(Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) / *Week 1033, Limericks featuring a word beginning with fa-:* After foolishly downing a jawful Of food that included a waffle And over a pound Of fava beans, ground, I could honestly say I falafel. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ *Week 1036, Liffs: Azerbaijan: Describing "In My Life," "Come Together" and other "Lennon/McCartney" songs that Paul had no hand in./(Brendan Beary)/ Michigan: What you'll do on your next turn after losing a round of beer pong./(Danielle Nowlin)/ Richmond, v., past tense: "The governor left office under a cloud, but he soon richmond into a good law firm and seats on some well-paying boards." /(Mike Barnes, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)/ Budapest: Enlightening bug. /(Nan Reiner)/ Bahrain:What Noah said on Day 39. /(Mae Scanlan, Washington) / *Week 1041: answer a song-lyric question:* Q. Is you is or is you ain't my baby? A. So, I guess you don't exactly need to be an English major to be on the Maury Povich show. . . /(Brendan Beary)/ *Week 1042, neologisms with the letter block s-a-n-e in any order: *Sinsane: Realistic about what you can get away with./(Fred Dawson, Beltsville, Md.) / *Week 1044, comical safety rules:* To deter skin cancer, tanning on public beaches will be allowed only at night. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) / *Week 1045, pair a line in a song with a question:* A. And the sign said longhaired freaky people need not apply. Q. What sign was recently ripped down at the Red Sox employment office? /(Cate Magennis Wyatt, Waterford, Va., a First Offender)/ A. Get a good job with more pay and you're okay. Q. Congressman, what advice do you have for the millions of Americans affected by the cut in food stamps? /(Douglas Goralski, McLean, Va., a First Offender) / A. 8-6-7-5-3-0-9. Q. What did the countdown clock read just before launch on healthcare.gov? (Jeff Contompasis) /And Last:/ A. "Gangnam style, ehhh sexy lady." Q. What could be less stylish than the Style Invitational? /(Heather Spence, New York)/ /And Even Laster:/ Week 1030, cinquains:* SI Limericks, puns Scatological fun! But there is no Swimsuit Issue. (Thank God.) /(Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) / *Still running — deadline Monday night — our Questionable Journalism contest, in which you take any line from a newspaper article and pair it with a funny question it might answer. See bit.ly/invite1053.* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Love the Tiny Tail Stain, or Lose in the Shuffle, an anagram contest. See bit.ly/invite1051. . © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1055, published January 12, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1055: A K-contest to honor the K of 1K blots of ink; plus anagrams By Pat Myers , Published: January 9 *Tantrick: Yoga instruction that can be performed in the back seat of a car.* *Run-of-the-milk: Funny enough for a joke at breakfast, but not nose-spurtingly funny. *Joke Biden: The vice president.* Just over eight years ago, the results of Week 626 — a contest for comical college courses — included a new name to the Invitational, twice, with a runner-up and an honorable mention. Since then, Kevin Dopart's name has appeared in 380 of 429 contests, as the onetime naval flight officer, now a federal auto safety expert, has blotted up Invite ink at an incomparable pace: Kevin is the ShamWow of Loserdom, topping the Loser stats every full year since he started entering, with as many as 158 entries published in a year, and more than 100 for five straight years. Part of Kevin's success comes from his absurd dedication to the Invite: He's entered the contest /every single week since he started/, almost always with the maximum 25 entries and, before the Empress set an entry limit, often well over 100 entries in a week. But dedication only gets you so far. The real reason that (Kevin Dopart, Washington) has reached his 1,000th blot of ink this week is, of course, that he is just so freakin' clever and funny — as is made abundantly clear with his Inkin' Memorial-winning anagram — his 21st win — that tops this week's results. (See the Empress's online Style Conversational column this week for a greatest-hits sampling of Kevin's humor, at bit.ly/conv1055 .) Kevin becomes thefourth person in our 20-year history to top the 1,000-ink mark, and the second to take the Empress up on the "award" she's offered to those milestonees: to serve as a guest judge for a week, and to choose the contest he'll be judging. And so, for the first time since September 2005, you can enter the Style Invitational without having to compete against Kevin Dopart: This week, to commemorate both Kevin and his 1K ink blots: Change a word, phrase or name by adding one or more K's, or by replacing one or more letters with K's, and define your new term,* as in Kevin's examples above. The Empress will send Kevin a list of all the week's entries minus any identifying or personal information, so he won't know whose work he's selecting. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulous giant-size whoopee cushion, which we offered up in Week 1022 but, incomprehensibly, was declined by its winner. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 20; results published Feb. 9 (online Feb. 6). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1055" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Jeff Contompasis; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line was submitted by both Stephen Dudzik and Mark Raffman. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Report from Week 1051, in which we asked for an anagram — a rearrangement of all the letters in some piece of writing to make it say something else — of any phrase or passage referring to something in the news, beyond just someone's name. To spare contestants the tedium of checking whether every letter of the original passage — and not one extra letter — ended up in the anagram, the Empress invited them to use various anagram software. But even though some of those programs will generate anagrams of a name or short phrase, you can be sure it took tons of human creativity — and a ridiculous amount of perseverance — to come up with the entries below. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * *Original text:* We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. *Anagrams to: We, the Tea Party of Republicans, our heads in our Rectums, freed to ensure the disestablishment of that Obamacare, promote domestic Religion (provided Jesus is your Savior), disenfranchise the Poor, Effete, Liberal or Such, stifle Intellects not nutty Men, demote Geopolitics, offend on Twitter, do intend another Sequestration. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / *2. /Winner of the Australian coin purse made from a kangaroo scrotum : / *Original, a quote from Pope Francis:* How can it be that it is not a news item when an elderly homeless person dies of exposure, but it is news when the stock market loses two points? *Anagrams to: This week Pope Francis expresses noble sentiments, blesses the weak, and roils the too, too wealthy, who unwind it on Twitter: HE'S A COMMUNIST! /(Chris Doyle, the Villages, Fla.) / *3.* Original, from a North Korean press release:* Against the backdrop of these shouts rocking the country, a special military tribunal of the DPRK Ministry of State Security was held on December 12 against traitor for all ages Jang Song Thaek. *Anagrams to:* Pyongyang: On the 12th day before Christmas, still boyish Kim cries "uncle," has fat-cat Jang Song Thaek hung from a pear tree. "Trials? Brutes! I did not. It's a trick! Partridge were out of season . . . Attack!!!!!" LOL ! /(Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) / *4. Original headline:* Mandela sign language interpreter says he had schizophrenic episode *Anagrams to: Hands rap in gangsta, hip-hop — not elegies. He rues: "I'm ADD & sincerely cra-zee!" /(Diane Wah, Seattle)/ *Inane moron blots, eh? Honorable mentions* *Original: "Santa and Jesus are both white men," avers Fox's Megyn Kelly. *Anagrams to: What shade is Satan? Foxy jerkbag never tells us. Emmy? None! /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *Original:* Been doing all my shopping at Target. *Anagrams to:* Grab pan, GE lamp, thong — lose identity. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / *Original:* We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. *Anagrams to:* What is evident is that women are not treated that equitably. The late framers structured this for penile people. Guys create and enact the laws. The gals are there behind their hubby, alienated. Oh, refill, hon? /(Kevin Dopart) / *Original:* North Korea: Despicable human scum Jang was worse than a dog. *Anagrams to: Head whack job smears a patron. Ruined uncle has maggots now. /(Mark Raffman)/ *Original: If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep it. *Anagrams to:* A flunky like you? You're one cheap pathetic liar./(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines, a First Offender)/ *Original headline: Drama takes center stage as Redskins bench Griffin *Anagrams to: Fans, sick and tired, bark: "Games are festering stench!" /(Mark Raffman) / *Original quote from Redskins Coach Mike Shanahan:* "I should have went with my gut, but I thought he had earned a right to play because he convinced me he was okay. I think in the long term, because we're talking about honesty right here, it cost us the game." *Anagrams to: Chum, RGIII has got huge talent, but there's no "I" in "team" and he has three. Oh, the knee's weak but the digit points well. Ah, he's a cocky young guy. Cure: let him warm it a bit, the wood bench out here, and get savvy. /(Bill Munson, Alexandria, Va.) / *Original: Let's all sing "Hail to the Redskins"! *Anagrams to: Dan kills asset. The thrill is gone. /(Chris Doyle) / /*Original: /So, with some grand rant, Phil Robertson is one let go from Duck Dynasty very quickly. *Anagrams to:* From TV's "Thirty Rock," Alec Baldwin's mighty outspoken and queerly sorry din goes on. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *Original: All the news that's fit to print. *Anagrams to: Anagram: Worthiest talent: pants filth./(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) / *Original:* When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. *Anagrams to: MEMO to: H.M. George III, London, U.K. From: The United States of America, Philadelphia, Pa. Dear Sir: "ƒWe are saddened that we must announce our decision to quit the British Empire poste-haste. We can see that its best for all concerned. "ƒTell the Queen for us that we cannot attend the Chef's Ham/Nacho Cheese Hot Pot Show, as we have to attend the posh Honchtown Phenolphthalein Fest on Mt. Havens Ave. "ƒSincerely yours, etc./(Lew Clayman, Silver Spring, Md.) / *Original:* It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. *Anagrams to: It is known, a woman in search of a good spouse will learn stuff: failed dating. The sensitive man turns out to be gay. /(Kevin Dopart)/ *Original:* While at Nelson Mandela's memorial service in South Africa, Barack Obama was spotted taking a relaxed selfie with Helle Thorning-Schmidt, PM of Denmark, while Michelle glared. *Anagrams to:* Tee-hee! Here's Fox News crackers' biggest fear: A black president, chillin' with a white woman! The damn nerve! Mandingo for POTUS! Dismal! Immoral! Call the Dalai Lama! (A molehill, kids. . .) /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) / *Original Jimmy Carter quote:* "I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me." *Anagrams to:* Carter's lewd longings attain immortality. My view of his tumid yet vetoed manhood (wink-wink) seems lovely, undimmed. Ooh! /(Janice Mehler, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) / *Original:* Stuck in Washington traffic *Anagrams to:* Witchcraft of stinking anus /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / /And Last: / Original:* The Washington Post Style Invitational *Anagrams to: I have total nitwits pen nasty loo things. /(Chris Doyle)/ /And Even Laster: / *Original:* Create an anagram — a text with the letters rearranged — of any text (except merely someone's name), of any length, referring to something or someone in the news. You must use every letter in your original exactly once; in other words, think of your text as a pile of Scrabble tiles; then rearrange all those tiles, while adding no others. *Anagrams to:* "My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains . . ." No, it ain't going to work. Can I cheat, or does she count the letters? I fear so, although it seems rather mean. I'm still only halfway, increasingly vexed by too many letter-errors. Relax ... engage expert neurons, try next letter. "Forget to neuter fern-green axolotl"? Oh, I'm left with one 'R'! Aieeeeee! /(Brian Allgar, Paris) / *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our obit-poem contest for people who died in 2013. See bit.ly/invite1054. /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Clue Us In, or Hot Cross Puns, our reverse-crossword contest in which we give the filled-in grid, you give the clues. See bit.ly/invite1052. . © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1056, published January 19, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1056: Brainstorming new weather terms, plus the un-crossword By Pat Myers , Published: January 16 *Phileas Fog: Heavy mist that dramatically increases your travel time.* *Microshaft: The infinitesimal ray of sunlight that occasionally pierces the Seattle clouds.* We've weathered a polar vortex, a superstorm, a derecho — and have expanded our vocabulary with each crazy meteorological event. Loser Mike Gips suggests that we ought to enlarge the lexicon even more: This week: Coin a term relating to weather, climate, etc. — either literal or figurative — and define it, as in Mike's examples above. Just do us this favor: Skip the joke about how the U.S. Capitol is a source of hot air; I think I receive a Congress/hot-air joke from someone or other in just about every contest I've judged — and I haven't given any of them ink in the last 500-plus contests either. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a climate-themed prize, at least if you stretch the term absurdly: It's a hefty glass snow globe (actually a glitter globe) on a gaudy gold plastic base. Inside, being glittered on, is a leather-vested black-and-white cow doing a wheelie on a motorcycle. A Harley-Dairyson, perhaps. Or a Cowasaki. Donated by Loser Cheryl Davis, who has donated many similarly elegant prizes over the years, such as Shells Playing Poker. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 27; results published Feb. 16 (online Feb. 13). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1056" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Report from Week 1052, our perennial Clue Us In contest, in which we published a filled-in crossword grid from an earlier Washington Post, and asked you to contribute novel clues for any of the words. Some funny ideas were submitted by too many Losers for individual credit, such as "ACID: A generic Spanish hero," and "ACTUAL: An order to the cast from a frustrated director." Some of the /real/ set of clues , by puzzle constructor Bob Klahn, trumped the Losers' entries, so Bob gets a magnet, too. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial:* *BAGPIPES: Scotland's drone program/(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ *2. Winner of the Vietnamese elixir including both a preserved scorpion and a preserved snake:* *GRAFT:* How politicians get money to grow on trees/(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)/ *3. ICE: H^_2 O^^3 _/(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ *4. IRAN: Paul Ryan's revised marathon claim/(Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) / *Less taste, more fill-in: honorable mentions* *MORAN: What an idiot calls another idiot /(Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.; Bill Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.)/ *EGGS:* They break up with chicks after getting laid /(Alex Jeffrey, Columbia, Md.) / *PLACE:* Fancy toilet paper (hyphenated)/(Steve McClemons, Arlington, Va., who last got Invite ink in 2006) / *SPOT:* Lady Macbeth's annoying dog/(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / *APRON: What the well-dressed woman wears — R. Santorum/(Jesse Ellis, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) / *ESPN: Answer to "Where's Chris Berman? He's supposed to be on air right now!" /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)/ *GUESTTOWEL:* Newspaper in Your Mama's bathroom /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) / *SMOG:* It makes haze while the sun shines /(John O'Byrne, London)/ *BAGPIPES: Susan Boyle's singing voice/(Rob Pivarnik, Stratford, Conn.)/ *ROSA:* Parks in front of a bus /(Bob Klahn, Wilmington, Del.) / *IOWA: fascinating place, for two weeks every four years/(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) / *LAVA:* Pompei circumstance /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) / *LAVA: Top-rated loo (hyphenated) /(Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) / *CROCI:* Final score in Nile conflict: Canoeist 0, / ______ /(Mark Richardson) / *ROCKCANDY:* Michaele Salahi's new job description /(David Ballard, Reston, Va.) / *ROCKCANDY:* Cliff bar /(Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) / *ONE:* Where to keep up with the Kardashians (two words)/(Chris Doyle, The Villages, Fla.; Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ *POPSINGLES:* New diet product from Orville Redenbacher/(Andy Promisel, Fairfax, Va.) / *POPSINGLES:* My wife gets mad at me when I do this into a stripper's thong /(Alex Jeffrey) / *MOUE:* McKayla Maroney's second claim to fame/(Dan Ramish, Washington) / *WADE:* What you might do following DUI plumbing /(Beverley Sharp)/ *WADE:* What Elmer Fudd uses to kill bugs/(Neal Starkman, Seattle) / *TORUS:* "The Heavenly Donut"; zodiac sign of Homer Simpson /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md; Ann Martin) / *CIAO:* Eat and run /(Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.; Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *OBOE:* Penetrating wind /(Bob Klahn) / *CZECH:* Eastern European bouncer /(Robert Schechter)/ *OBIE:* Award won by "Baby Doc: The Musical"/(Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) / *GUESTTOWEL:* Something you bring when staying overnight at your son's bachelor pad /(Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) / *LUCKYROLL: Sushi made with "mystery fish"/(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *ICKY:* The Bluegrass State's failed tourism campaign to counter I "™¥ NY./(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *EBOOK:* A more convenient format for the literary classics you still won't read. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) / *IRE:* What you get when your land is out of potatoes. /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) / *RACK:* Scrumptious part of both Lamb Chop and Shari Lewis/(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) / *CAPO:* Text-message summary of Gov. Jerry Brown's State of the State address./(Dave Prevar) / *CAPFUL:* Given to shouting on the Internet /(Chris Doyle) / *DOCK:* Julius Erving's relative Kenny /(Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.; Jonathan Hardis) / *STONEAGE:* Count the rings on Keith Richards to get this /(Steve McClemons)/ *ROWE: The fifth-worst place to sit at a Justin Bieber concert./(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) / *ICE:* It can send a chill up an undocumented worker's spine./(Jeff Contompasis) / *FUNK:* Odd-smelling but cutely shaped breakfast cereal (hyphenated) /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ *FUNK:* Text message that makes Kim Jong Un-happy (acronym) /(Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) / *LINGO:* He wrote "Octopus's Jargon" /(Jonathan Hardis)/ *LINGO:* Cheer at Houston Rockets game /(Steve McClemons)/ // Still running — deadline Monday night:* Our neologism contest for words in which you add or substitute one or more K's. See bit.ly/invite1055. /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Questionable Journalism, or Ask-It Cases, our perennial contest in which you choose any sentence out of the paper and make up a funny question that it could answer. See bit.ly/invite1053. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1057, published January 26, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1057: Sportin lie' — give us some fake sports trivia By Pat Myers , Published: January 23 *Engraved inside every Super Bowl ring is a handy chart for translating Roman numerals.* *When Albert Einstein was at Princeton, he became a rabid baseball fan and, as a favor to the major leagues, wrote the Infield Fly Rule . * *A vial of Gaylord Perry's spit is on display in Cooperstown. No, not really. No and no. But yes, it's time for another of the Style Invitational's fictoid contests, this one suggested by Amazing Invitational Fixture Tom Witte, of the 1,267 Blots of Ink Since Week 7. In the past, we've shared totally bogus facts about movies, medicine and physiology, history, and just whatever; this week, as the Super Bowl and Winter Olympics are upon us:*Give us some fake sports trivia.* The fictoids can be about anything relating to sports or the people who play them, but the point is to be funny in some way, not just to be bogus, and they shouldn't be understandable only to sports-obsessives. (By the way, the Style Invitational may be a cutthroat competition, and it may feature large numbers of trash-talking, sweat-soaked participants, but we're not considering it a sport.) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place, in keeping with this week's athletic theme, receives a cheap novelty product called Nose Aerobics Basketball, donated by Loser Nan Reiner. It consists of a pair of empty black nerd-eyeglasses to which is attached, right between the eyes, a little arm that sticks out and, on its end, a two-inch-high basket and, attached to that, a tiny string and a little plastic basketball. You're supposed to nod your head vigorously at just the right speed until you can get the basketball to jump into the basket in front of your face. We don't know if you'd be able to master this feat — the Empress didn't come close on a trial run, but her Royal Consort scored repeatedly — but we absolutely guarantee that you will look pathetically ridiculous. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug — the new one announced today — or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 3; results published Feb. 23 (online Feb. 20). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1057" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / T*his week we introduce the new Style Invitational Loser Mug,* our third in a series of coffee mugs that we offer to third- and fourth-place Losers. The idea was an honorable mention in our 2011 contest for ideas for the previous mug (we ended up going with "My Cup Punneth Over") and was submitted independently by Drew Knoblauch, Peter Jenkins and Suzanne Cross. And of course, it's our own Bob Staake who did the artwork — in homage, of course, to Robert Indiana's iconic, basically uncopyrighted image.The actual mug will say "Runner-Up, The Style Invitational" plus the Post masthead and the Invite's Web address. *Report from Week 1053, in which we asked you to quote a sentence from The Post or any other publication printed during the contest week, and pair it with a question that the sentence might answer: *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /Sentence in The Post: /"I think it's a shame. The whole process of buying a record was so special." Q. What was Mark McGwire's reaction to baseball's latest steroid suspensions? /(John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.)/ *2.* /Winner of the oven mitt that looks disturbingly like Gene Weingarten: / A. The first Christmas she can remember was 52 years ago, when she saw her father coming down the stairs of their house, his arms wrapped around two blond dolls. Q. Does Christie Hefner have any special Yuletide memories? /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ *3.* A. You can insert a chicken soup recipe and no one will notice. Q. What did the disillusioned rabbi remark to his assistant as they were drafting the Dead Sea Scrolls? /(Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.) / *4.* A. They will have instant replays, Jumbotrons and lots of television cameras. Q. What are Kim and Kanye's plans for conceiving another child? /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *Reduced sentences: honorable mentions* A. You can insert a chicken soup recipe and no one will notice. Q. What's the best thing about visiting a bar with blind strippers? /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) / A. Half the Republicans in the House have served three years or less. Q. Why do you say criminal sentencing guidelines are skewed to favor rich white males? /(Brendan Beary) / A. Your voyage is sure to leave you with memories to last a lifetime. Q. What did the captain of the Costa Concordia say as the ship set sail? /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / A. It sucks, but I have to deal with it, and it's for my own safety. Q. What was Mayor Ford's reply when the Toronto City Council ordered his jaws wired shut? /(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)/ A. It's going to be really tight this summer for U.S. cotton, there's no doubt about it. Q. Is America's eating binge over the holidays likely to have any lasting consequences? /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / A. "Malia and Sasha , they're like weeds," Obama said at a November fundraiser. Q. Why did the president decide to sell his stock in Monsanto? /(Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) / A. She'll respond pretty fast and promises not to mock you. Too much. Q. "What's new with the iPhone's next-gen navigator, Sirisly? /(Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring, Md.) / A. They generally eschew strenuous chest, arm and back exercises to avoid, in technical terms, looking like a dude. Q. What is a New Kids on the Block workout like? /(Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) / A. I was reluctant about having a shower, opted for a small book-themed shower, and was unexpectedly moved by the feeling of community. Q. Have you had any notable experiences in prison, Mr. Madoff? /(Mark Raffman)/ A. It was seventh grade and all the cool kids could do it, so I set out to learn. Q. How did you decide to become a bully?/(Mae Scanlan, Washington) / A. There's a series of things we have to do. Q. Jenna Jameson, can you describe your and your colleagues' typical day on the movie set? /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ A. The piles can stretch on for 10 feet to 16 feet. Q. Why do Great Dane owners quickly switch from paper to Lowes dumpster bags in the training process? /(John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) / A. Spend the day relaxing and gently swinging in the back yard. Q. What was the last item on Saddam Hussein's to-do list? /(Michael Greene) / A. He came outfitted for the occasion, wearing a bright red Adidas track suit, complete with a white headband, and carrying a bottle of Rolaids. Q. After bingeing on cookies all Christmas Eve, how did Santa recover? /(Jeff Contompasis) / A. "The guy is obviously a jock sniffer." Q. "Who's that man who's always last to show up at the Sochi security gate? /(Mike Harbert, Leesburg, Va.)/ A. Begin by sweeping up as many of the needles as you can, then use either a sticky adhesive lint roller or duct tape wrapped around your hand to pick up the rest. Q. How do you clean up Barry Bonds's locker?/(Roy Ashley, Washington) / A. From time to time he'd pull it out and review it to make sure he wasn't being distracted from his mission. Q. Did Anthony Weiner ever have doubts about what he was doing? /(Brendan Beary) / A. Scott was strange, to be sure. Q. What did even the Hatfields and the McCoys agree upon when commercial toilet paper arrived in the holler? /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ A. Wallach is among a small but growing number of Jews who are slowly altering what has for millennia been considered perhaps Judaism's core rite. Q. What do you mean he didn't go out for Chinese on Christmas Day? /(Ira Allen) / A. A dog's pant, by comparison, is mostly bad breath and drool. Q. How is a dog's pant better than a Senate filibuster? /(Mike Harbert) / A. Men rule at pull-ups. Q: Is there any phase of the potty-training process in which dads outperform moms? /(Mark Raffman)/ A. According to the composers of the musicals scrolling through the Kennedy Center, it ain't necessarily so. Q. In the controversial new staging of "The Sound of Music," what note is between fa and la? /(Brendan Beary) / A. Sometimes when people die, their benefit payments live on. Q. What was the theme of the keynote address to the Necrophilia Convention? /(Steve Brevig, Springfield, Va.)/ A. Iranians love the American style. The grass is greener in the U.S. Q. Why are Tehran, Seattle and Denver now sister cities? /(Steven Alan Honley, Washington)/ A. No surgery was required, and he's feeling well. Q. What did Rob Ford's press secretary say about his boss's latest attempt to place his head up his rectum? /(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)/ /And Last: / A. What we want to know is how Nan knew the Czar's nipple rings are actually star-shaped and have tassels dangling from them. Q. Are there any loose plot threads in the conclusion of "The Bobbsey Twins Go Goth"?/(Brendan Beary) / /And Even Laster:/ A. Some people start losing, and that's all they focus their mind on is, "I'm a loser now." Q. Is it true that there are pathetic individuals who've entered the Invitational with a long string of entries every single week for more than eight years? /(Kevin Dopart, who has) / *Still running — deadline Monday night — is our contest for new weather-related terms. See bit.ly/invite1056 .* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Dead Letters, or Heaven and Mirth, our annual obit-poem contest. See bit.ly/invite1054. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1058, published February 2, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1058: Eastwood Ho: The good, bad & ugly; plus obit poems By Pat Myers , Thursday, January 30, 2:04 PM *Good: There is a new man in your life. Bad: He insists on knowing where you are every minute of the day. Ugly: He is a parole officer. /(Sandra Hull) / *Good: She says she won't try to change you. Bad: You are 97 years old. Ugly: She is your nurse.* /(Chuck Smith)/ * Good: You've struck Gold. Bad: Harvey Gold. Ugly: Of the law firm of Gold, Dershowitz & Scheck. /(Stephen Dudzik)/ That's Eastwood as in "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly." We bring back a contest we've run just once before, 14 years ago; the examples above got ink back in Week 343 (also known as Week X; don't ask). It's pretty clear what we're looking for: Create a good-bad-ugly progression in the mold of the above.* Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the absolutely fabulous prize pictured here: It's EneMan, a promotional mascot issued by Fleet Pharmaceuticals and donated to us by Invite Fan but Not a Loser Earl Hughes, who gave him to the Empress last month at the Losers' annual Post-Holiday Party. He (Eneman, not Earl) is a plushy little nozzlehead about the size of a Beanie Baby and every inch as cute, although you might say he tends to be stuck up. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 10; results published March 2 (online Feb. 27). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1058" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The subhead for this week's honorable mentions is by Jeff Contompasis; the alternative headline for the "next week's results" line is by Stephen Dudzik. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Report from Week 1054, our annual Dead Letters contest, for poems to commemorate people who died in 2013. We received odes to everyone from Nelson Mandela to the poor lady who died in the traffic jam on the George Washington Bridge. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * /*Etch-a-Sketch inventor Andre Cassagnes:* / Andre Cassagnes, your Etch-a-Sketch showed us We needn't just tweak, fix and patch. That sometimes the best course, for peasant or POTUS, Is shake and start over from scratch./(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ *2. /Winner of the little bottle of "anointing oil" containing frankincense, myrrh and spikenard /PLUS / a container of Dr. Wacko's Silly Sludge: / /Sir David Frost:/ After three years' hibernation Richard Nixon faced the nation. In a five-part interview, We learned just what Nixon knew. With icy stare, he looked exhausted. You might well say he was D. Frosted. /(Mike Duffy, Butte, Mont.)/ *3.* /*Novelist Elmore Leonard:* / 'Passed'?" Elmore Leonard said. "The f--- is that? I'm dead." /(Chris O'Carroll, Emporia, Kan.) / *4.* Cal Worthington, king of the used car salesmen:* Jingling-kingling, Calvin "Cal" Worthington, Tooled up to Heaven, went Straight to the Lord. Brimming with hucksterish Conviviality, Sold Him a peachy-keen '63 Ford. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *Stiffed: honorable mentions* /*Special-effects artist and stop-motion filmmaker Ray Harryhausen: / Harryhausen made ten thousand Models out of clay: Of skeletons and Argonauts and dinos in their day. He photographed them, move by move, On land, in air and ocean. But age and time both took their toll: Now Ray has stopped his motion. /(Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) / /*Eleanor Parker, the baroness in "The Sound of Music":* / I concede that Maria did have a nice voice, But Georg von Trapp, he made the wrong choice. A skinny and innocent wannabe nun? Baroness Schraeder looked way, way more fun. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ /*Annette Funicello (I):* / Annette, Annette, we watched you grow(As adolescent boys, you know). Each passing week brought out our cheers: "They're getting bigger than her ears!" /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) / /*Annette Funicello (II):* / /(To the "Mickey Mouse Club" song)/ Who's the Mousketeer with looks that made teen hormones flow? F-U-N-I-C-E . . . and an -L-L-O! Smiling, singing, sunning, she sure helped their. . . feelings grow, F-U-N-I-C-E . . . and an -L-L-O Who'd have guessed one so blessed Would star in frumpy Skippy ads—oh why, why, why, why? Dear Annette, let's just forget you ever sank so low. F-U-N-I-C-E. . . and an -L-L-O. /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)/ /*USA Today founder Al Neuharth:* / Al Neuharth died at 89, (No room to publish second line.) /(Rob Cohen Potomac, Md.)/ /*Porn star Harry Reems:* / Back in the day Harry Reems was quite famous for Starring in less-than-respectable shows. Now he's gone stiff again, this time all over, so Don't hold your breath for more mustachey O's. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / /*Kenneth, 1960s celebrity hairstylist:* / Whispered Kenneth, "Although I must go, All my secrets you never shall know. It took tact, grace, and style To coif Jacqueline, while Simultaneously poufing Monroe." /(Nan Reiner)/ /*Evangelist Harold Camping, who predicted the world would end in 1994, then 2011:* / While Harold Egbert Camping Was busily revamping End-time predictions he had blown, He missed a crucial one — his own. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ /*Tom Clancy's* / grave sin was his pride. Told a journalist once, being snide, "I make more in a day Than your annual pay!" (It got left behind when he died.)/(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ */Longtime White House reporter Helen Thomas: / Helen Thomas at the Gate Has probing, arch suggestions. Saint Peter tells her, "Please, just wait And let /me /ask the questions." /(Gary Crockett)/ The famed /Lou Reed/ has up and died, Now walking on the mild side. Appropriately, he'd be found Encased in Velvet, Underground. /(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) / /*Richard Ramirez,* / a serial killer, Spent 25 years in a cell, Then finally died and was able to fill a Deferred reservation in Hell. /(Chris Doyle, The Villages, Fla.) / The Brits are known (so goes the quip) For keeping a stiff upper lip. For*/Margaret Thatcher,/ we'd suppose, The same is true from head to toes. /(Mark Raffman) / /*Ed Koch:* / Mayor Koch isn't bogged down pursuin' Stats of afterlife credits accruin' Toward eternal reward; He goes straight to the Lord, And says, "Hi, God. It's Ed. How'm I doin'?"/(Nan Reiner)/ I guess I'll face facts and mourn Nelson Mandela, Admitting he died in December last year; I'd rather believe in that sign-language fella, Who seemed to be saying, "He went out for beer." /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) / /*The Russian man who filmed himself accidentally being killed by falling rubble:* / Evgeny Titov used his cell To film a building's poor condition, And shot the very brick that fell And caused his selfie-demolition. /(Frank Osen)/ */Michael Ansara ("Star Trek" bad guy)/ As an angel, we hope, the actor will wing on, For on earth, alas, he could no longer cling on. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ /*"Star Wars" makeup artist Stuart Freeborn: / Your work is beloved: the look of a Wookiee, The gut of the Hutt, and the whole Ewok clan, But your best, the green Jedi you made in your image, Is what makes the world hail you thus: "Yoda man!" /(Danielle Nowlin)/ /*Jean Stapleton:* / Nine seasons with Archie was surely no trifle, But finally 'twas age that got Edith to stifle. /(Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.) / /*Peter O'Toole* / is a wonderful name for an actor to be born with, But not for drama. It's a name for one to have made porn with. Instead of losing Oscars playing Lawrence of Arabia He could have won applause and cash by entering some labia.. /(Stan McLeroy, Herndon, Va.) / /A letter from Hardin Cox,* Missouri columnist and politician, and *Dick Trickle,* race car driver:/ "Dear Saint Pete, life on earth can be fickle, And we've oft found ourselves in a pickle, So for life as an angel, A moniker change'll Be great." "" Hardin Cox and Dick Trickle /(Nan Reiner)/ /And last: Mega-pastor Chuck Smith:* / His followers, they wept and wailed In states across the nation; Gone too soon, a brilliant man, Their constant inspiration. Such fuss they made when hearing he Had gone across the good bridge, The Lord looked down and yelled, "Hey guys! He's not the one from Woodbridge!" /(Danielle Nowlin)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night — our contest for fake sports trivia. See bit.ly/invite1057. /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Oh,K! or It's My Doparty, a neologism contest in which you add K's to existing words, or replace letters with K's; the guest judge is Kevin Dopart, who received this dubious honor upon receiving is 1,000th blot of Invite ink. See bit.ly/invite1055. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1059, published February 9, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1059: With parens like these . . . (to make a song title funnier) By Pat Myers , Thursday, February 6, 4:57 PM *(Someone Photographed Us) The Way We Were* *Kiss Me (Where the Sun Don't Shine) *I Want to Hold Your Hand (In Warm Water While You're Sleeping) Loser Dave Letizia recently shared with the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook a post on Joe Blogs, the site of NBC Sports columnist Joe Posnanski. Mr. Blogs was expressing irritation about the decidedly odd use of parentheses in some pop song titles: Sometimes they contradict the rest of the title, as in "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction"; other times, the only essential words are in the parenthetical (Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)"); and some are just total head-scratchers, like Lionel Richie's "All Night Long(All Night)." But Dave had an idea: What if the parenthetical made the title /funnier?/ This week: Add some words in parentheses to a well-known song title to make it funnier in some way, as in the examples above, offered up on the Devotees page by Losers Neal Starkman, Christopher Larson and Diane Wah in response to Dave's suggestion.*You may also add some description, or make up a fake line or two from the song, to add to the funny.* Note: Adding "in bed" or "in my pants" aren't likely to get ink for originality. Make sure you're using the actual song title in the part that's not in parentheses; we liked Jen Harris's "(Notify Police if This Person's Seen) Walking in a Winter Wonderland," except that the song title really contains just the last two words. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a large plastic tote bag featuring the logo of the Bimbo Bakeries chain ("pronounced 'Beembo,' the Web site clarifies), sent to us from Los Angeles by Christopher Lamora; how affirming it will be to tote a big shopping bag announcing BIMBO, the cuddly bear mascot notwithstanding. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Feb. 18; results published March 9 (online March 6). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1059" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Kevin Dopart. Four people independently submitted the subhead for this week's honorable mentions, and so all of them get no credit whatsoever. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Report from Week 1055, our neologism contest guest-judged by Loser Kevin Dopart — the Invite's top ink-getter in each of the seven previous years — as a reward for reaching the Double Hall of Fame: getting his 1,000th blot of Invite ink. This contest, which Kevin created himself, was the first since 2005 that Kevin didn't enter. The challenge was to take an actual word or term and replace one or more letters with K's, or add K's. The Empress sent Kevin all the entries without the entrants' names attached; he's learning right now, along with you, who the winners are. See the Style Conversational at bit.ly/conv1059* for Kevin's reflections on the contest and how much he regretted offering to do the Empress's job for free. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * *Sorry I Kissed You: The "While You Were Out" note circulating the office the day after the holiday party. /(Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) / *2.* /Winner of the regifted giant whoopee cushion /: Karmadillo boots:* Dude, it was destined to be footwear! /(Gordon Cobb, Atlanta) / *3.* You've got your troubles, I've got mink:* If Mae West didn't say it, she should have. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ *4.* St. John's work: Clock in; revise Gospel; clock out; lunch w/ apostles; clock in; spell-check epistle; clock out; brewskis w/ JC. . . /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) / *K sera sera: honorable mentions* *Kimbecile:* Dennis Rodman. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) / *Alaskank:* Nanookie of the North. /(Chris Doyle, The Villages, Fla.) / *Kötterdämmerung:* The Twilight of the Sweathogs. /(Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio) / *Sporks Illustrated: Cafeteria fanzine — check out the hot Skim-Soup Issue! /(Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) / *"A fool and his monkey are soon parted":* An off-the-record-comment by aMunich airport customs official. /(Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) / *Kin and tonic:* Party time in West Virginia! /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) / *Kongress: What didn't happen on top of the Empire State Building. /(John O'Byrne, Dublin) / *Kill & Killary:* Be afraid, voters. Be very afraid. /(Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) / *Unfurknish:* What the waitress at a scuzzy deli does when she drops a turnover on the floor. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *Seeksucker suit:* Favorite summer attire of top televangelists. /(Gary Crockett) / *Leak of faith:* Action taken by a True Reliever. /(Jeff Shirley) / *Mennonikes: Shoes that put a little rumspringa in your step. /(Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.)/ *Tropic of Canker:* The latitude line that passes through the U.S. Capitol. /(Diane Wah, Seattle) / *The Big Kipper:* Pisces./(Melissa Balmain) / *Kneed-to-know tactics:* Unfriendly persuasion. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / *Béla Kartók:* A composer whose works — popular with NPR hosts Click and Clack — are written solely for the automobile horn. /(Melissa Balmain) / *Tykrannosaurus: A destructive beast to whom an adult never said no. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) / *Stork surge:* What hospitals see nine months after a hurricane. /(Lela Martin, Midlothian, Va.) / *Sixteen Cankles:*1980 romantic comedy about the East German women's crew team. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *Skip of the tongue:* An intentional omission. /(Hugh Pullen, Vienna, Va.) / *Chickpeaks:* Some hot garbanzos. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *Subfreeking:* Really, REALLY cold. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills) / *Atlanta Brakes:* A team known for its short stops. /(Alba Frias, Bethesda, Md.) / *Ne'er-do-Welk:* An unemployed accordionist. /(Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) / *Clandestink: Silent flatulence in a crowded elevator. /(David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)/ *Kendowed:* Possessing no discernible genitals. /(Jeff Contompasis) / *Christmask:* The Shroud of Turin. /(Melissa Balmain)/ *KYPD:* How Yogi Bear occasionally refers to the Jellystone Rangers. /(David Garratt) / *Kutumn:* Season of pruning. /(John O'Byrne) / *Professor Snake:* He's definitely Slytherin. /(Ann Martin)/ *Ikcicle:* What you find hanging from the outhouse. /(Beverley Sharp) / *The Seven Deadly Sinks:* Those dwarves really need a new housekeeper. /(Ann Martin)/ *Publick:* Being facedown in an Irish bar. /(Robert Gallagher, Charleston, S.C.) / *Freek: Someone who will spend six dollars in gas to redeem a coupon for a 60-cent soft drink. /(David Garratt) / *Healthcake.gov:* Worst. Recipe. Site. Ever. /(Gary Crockett) / *Have-knots:* Anxious folks. /(Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) / /And Last:/ Kevink:* If you didn't get it, I didn't get it. — The K /(Lydia Cade, Colmar Manor, Md., a First Offender) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: our Week 1058 "Good/Bad/Ugly" joke contest. See bit.ly/invite1058. /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Weather or Nuts or Winters and Losers, a contest for new meteorological terms. See bit.ly/invite1056. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1060, published February 16, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1060: Caption some Bob Staake cartoons; and the winning new weather terms By Pat Myers , Thursday, February 13, 2:37 PM We've managed to lure Bob Staake away momentarily from his next volume for children, the ambiguously named "My Pet Book"(spoiler: it's not a book about different pets), not to mention his next 23 projects, so that once again he can ask your help in figuring out what's going on in these pictures, because /he / sure has no idea. This week: Write a caption, or captions, for one or more of these cartoons.* Please indicate which cartoon you're captioning; you'd think I could figure that out, but believe me, I've judged at least 24 Invite cartoon contests, and your thought processes aren't always much clearer than Bob's. (Yes, I'm talking to you personally.) For larger versions of the four individual pictures above, click on No. 1 , No. 2 , No. 3 and No. 4. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place — in honor of Valentine's Day — receives a little gadget called the Karleks Band, brought back from romantic Sweden by Loser Mike Gips. If you're in a hotel room and feeling amorous, and the room has two beds pushed together, you hold them together with this thing so your romance doesn't fall through the cracks, as it were. We will even throw in, for our European travelers, a roll of toilet paper imprinted with the design of euro bills. Donated by Inge Ashley and, amazingly, declined by the recipient the last time we tried giving it away. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 24; results published March 16 (online March 13). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1060" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by William Kennard; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Danielle Nowlin. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Report from Week 1056, in which we asked for some novel meterological terms: *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * *Geiclone:* Windstorm followed 15 minutes later by a deluge of insurance claims. /(Megan Durham, Reston, Va.)/ *2. Winner of the cow-on-motorcycle "snow" globe: * *Tropical repression:* Stifling high-pressure system that has stalled over Cuba for the past 55 years./(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *3. Snowed in: Stuck in Russia and unable to come in from the cold./(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / *4. Wintry meeks:* People who refuse to leave home if there's even a chance of snow in the forecast./(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ *Category 1's: honorable mentions* *Driptease:* Amount of rain that taunts you by being too much not to use your windshield wipers, but too little to use them continuously. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / *Typhool:* A TV reporter standing in the middle of a hurricane to tell us it's windy out. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *Chris-T-storm:* A wind so blustery that it renders bridge travel nearly impossible. /(Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) / *Winter feather advisory:* Time to pull out the down quilt./(Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) / *Molar vortex:* Wind so cold it makes your fillings hurt. /(Doug Montgomery, North Potomac, Md., a First Offender; Tom Witte) / *Polar cortex:* The result of venturing out in subzero weather without a hat. /(Laura Remaly, New Windsor, Md., a First Offender) / *Metropical front:* A line of city building facades from which a pedestrian in summer will be steadily rained on by air conditioner drips. /(Ring Alexander, New York)/ *Mai tai phoon: Get your umbrellas out for this one. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.; Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) / *Borometric pressure:* The force keeping you tuned to the Weather Channel, even though you've heard the forecast for the entire world 12 times./(Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) / *Monsooner: A wind that comes sweepin' down the plain. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *Blizzard of Oz:* Two inches of snow in Sydney./(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)/ *Flash food warning:* Probably it's going to be nothing, but you should run to the store before they're out of bread, milk and toilet paper. /(Heather Spence, New York) / *Tornudo:* A sudden gust of wind that whips up a woman's skirt. /(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) / *Salt shaker:* A snowfall in which the amount of salt dropped on the roads exceeds the amount of snow. /(Dale Newbury, Gaithersburg, Md., a First Offender) / *Foot of snow:* A never-seen part of a snowman's anatomy, the mere mention of which sends shivers down the spines of Washingtonians./(Jean Smith, Clinton, Md., a First Offender) / *Showdownpour:* Torrents of rain that drench the hero at the climax of nearly every '80s action movie./(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) / *Terpulence:* Long-term trend of bad season after bad season. /(Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)/ *Meatierologist: Al Roker, before the gastric bypass. /(Chris Doyle, The Villages, Fla.; Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) / *Tush sheets to the wind:* The effect of a windstorm on unlatched port-a-potties. /(Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) / *El Nino: * Cause of a rightward shift in jurisprudential currents over the past three decades. /(Mark Raffman) / *Isobra:* Garment to protect against cold fronts. /(Gary Crockett) / *Car barf:* The gushes of post-storm street sludge thrown up by passing vehicles. /(Greg Arnold, Herndon, Va.) / *Enlightning strike:* An atmospheric discharge that teaches you safety is more important than sinking a putt. /(Jeff Contompasis) / *Presip:* A bracing swig of liquor in anticipation of a day spent not going out in that storm./(Ring Alexander)/ *Oratornado:* A blowhard, but a master at spin. /(Steve Shapiro, Alexandria, Va.) / *Honey-do point: When you realize that the game is so boring that it's not worth arguing about repainting the shutters. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / *Charmin offensive: The run on toilet paper in advance of a snow flurry./(Ira Allen) / *Relative tumidity:* An indication of comfort in the lower latitudes. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ *Deep frieze: High relief from the heat./(Dudley Thompson) / *Hermancane:* A tropical storm that spreads rapidly across the United States, but quickly subsides after damaging only itself. /(Danielle Nowlin) / *Wheahter:* The worst spell of weather we've seen in a long time. /(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) / A number of entries coined names for a predicted storm that never materializes. They include Nonsoon* /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.);/ *Snor'easter// /(Jeff Contompasis); / Typhooey* /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.);/ Tornada* /(Nancy Schwalb, Washington); / Ice charades /(Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.);/ Fizzard /(Dan Ramish, Washington);/ and, when CNN does it, Wolf Blizzard// /(Gary Crockett). / *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest to add parentheses to song titles. See bit.ly/invite1059 . /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: The Sportin' Lie or Fake One for the Team, a contest for bogus sports trivia. See bit.ly/invite1057. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1061, published February 23, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1061: Less taste, more fill-in: a partial crossword. Plus sports fictoids. By Pat Myers , Published: February 20 *38 Across: AIRPIGS: What you'll see when the Redskins win the Super Bowl. *38 Across: AIRINGS: All you can blow with an e-cigarette. A couple of months ago, as we've done for several years now, we published a filled-in crossword grid by ace constructor Bob Klahn and asked you to supply your own novel clues for words in the puzzle. This week the Empress again seeks novel clues — and novel words as well. The grid pictured here is the solution to the crossword, also by Bob, that was published online last October. Well, not quite like this, of course: We've taken out a bunch of the letters so that you can give us a novel clue for any word or phrase in which the remaining letters fit, across or down. The letters /don't/ have to form a working crossword; just think about individual across or down words. You may use a real word or phrase, or coin a new one. Please give the location of your word(e.g., "14 Down"). The limit is, as usual, 25 entries. You can write more than one entry for a given word; I don't care. Your clue doesn't have to be as short as the ones for real crosswords, but they still shouldn't be more than eight or 10 words. Bob chose this crossword grid, rather than the one we used most recently, because it had more long words, which will allow for more variety in the entries. (See the original words and answers at bit.ly/klahn1061. ) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a wall-size "Spam Through the Years" calendar, depicting month after month of ads and paraphernalia about the famed canned meatish product. While of course that's a pretty Loserly prize in itself, it also happens to be a calendar from 2003. BUT! It so happens, notes prize donor Kevin Mellema, a 2003 calendar works like a charm in 2014. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 3; results published March 23 (online March 20). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1061" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Dick Barnes; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Danielle Nowlin. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Report from Week 1057, in which we asked for totally bogus sports trivia: *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * Rosie Ruiz's hopes for winning the 1981 Marine Corps Marathon were dashed by Metro's weekend track maintenance on the Orange Line. /(Seth Tucker, Washington) / *2.* Winner of the Nose Aerobics Basketball game:* The game of pétanque gets its name from the sound of one of its hollow metal balls striking the head of a Frenchman. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *3.* After their tragic experience with Lou Gehrig, the New York Yankees passed on a chance to sign Brian Alzheimer. /(Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va., a First Offender)/ *4.* Synchronized swimmers are typically fitted with plastic mouth inserts to ensure that their smiles precisely match. /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ *Struck out swinging: honorable mentions* Jim Thorpe excelled at just about every sport he ever attempted, except horseback riding and archery. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / Manure collected from stalls at Churchill Downs has been proven to increase lawn growth by 153 percent vs. regular horse poo. /(Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)/ Early in their history, the Yankees were frequent losers to their archrivals, the Yankers. /(Steve McClemons, Arlington, Va.)/ Hockey was named for the primitive phlegm-based ice-resurfacing methods used before the invention of the Zamboni. /(Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.)/ After complaints about the water from local taps, Sochi Olympics organizers ordered a shipment of bottled water from West Virginia. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / Richard Petty drove the entire 1973 Daytona 500 with his left turn signal on. /(Eric Bennett, Stephens City, Va.) / In a study of 67 athletes who said they gave 110 percent, it was found that they actually gave an average of only 93.2 percent. /(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) / The last man on a four-man bobsled team is called by a German phrase that means "Hey, guys, wait up!" /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ In the Super Bowl, the end zone touchdown celebrations are pre-recorded. /(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) / Before a single design was standardized in 1953, NFL referees could choose from a variety of animal prints. /(Craig Ruth, Walkersville, Md., a First Offender)/ Under the WWE rules, a wrestler can be fined up to $10,000 for sportsmanlike conduct./(Seth Tucker)/ Center Kim Jong Un is averaging 40 points per game for the Pyongyang Tigers. /(Jack Goldberg, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) / After the 1938 Race of the Century, stable grooms at Pimlico made a tidy profit selling souvenir "Sea Biscuits." /(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) / At Stanford, cornerback Richard Sherman was suspended for taunting his lab partner: "I'm the only particle physicist at this table! Eat my muons, punk!"/(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / Yogi Berra said everything he said except "I didn't say everything I said."/(Ned Andrews, Damascus, Md.) / NBA Hall of Famer Bill Sharman went on to a lucrative career marketing toilet paper. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) / Skeet shooting originated in Holland when musketeers practiced their aim on passing ice skaters (/skjuiters/ in Dutch). /(Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)/ McKayla Maroney's mother regretted never warning her that her face might stick that way . /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / While Dan Snyder refuses to change the name of his football team, he is considering renaming FedEx Field "the Napoleon Complex."/(Harry Megaw, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)/ "Sochi" is Russian for "Hello, sailor." /(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)/ Eight current minor-league baseball mascots are in the Witness Protection Program. /(Fred Dawson, Beltsville, Md.) / Heath Shuler is the only professional to have been way out of his league on two teams in the Nation's Capital . /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / ESPN has launched a campaign to establish developmental peewee poker leagues in communities across America. /(Mike Harbert, Leesburg, Va.)/ Betsy Ross created the first jockstrap using one of her old bras./(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)/ "Arnold Schwarzenegger" is German for "massive trunk, tiny acorns."/(Tom Witte) / Ice fishing was a Winter Olympic sport until 1956, when all of the medal-winners tested positive for performance-detracting substances./(Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) / Jim Brown of the Cleveland Browns set the record for rushing by a player with the same name as his team, breaking the one held by Edward Fortyniners. /(Steve McClemons) / Basketball was originally played with peach baskets in a barn, but the most radical change was when someone decided to nail the baskets to poles instead of placing them on the ground. /(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) / In a nod to game-day reality, the official name for the NFL's holding penalty is being changed to Failure to Get Away With Holding. /(William Joyner, Chapel Hill, N.C.) / A team of kinesiologists has determined conclusively that Bo doesn't know rhythmic gymnastics. /(Kevin Jamison, Gaithersburg, Md.)/ The /real/ reason the Redskins will never change their team name is a secret merchandising deal with Nike, evidenced by the Swoosh on the Indian's cheekbone in the logo. /(Mike Harbert) / Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski's first name is pronounced "Marsha." /(Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)/ The Utah NBA team name is not supposed to be "the Jazz," but the "Utah Jazz"—a colloquialism for the music of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. /(Danielle Nowlin)/ Kids who play soccer in leagues where they don't keep score grow up to be commies. No, actually, this one is true. /(Tom Witte)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night: our Bob Staake cartoon caption contest. See bit.ly/invite1060. /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Eastwood Ho! or Three-Zing Circus, a contest for jokes in the form of "Good/bad/ugly." See bit.ly/invite1058. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1062, published March 2, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1062: The news could be verse — plus good/bad/ugly jokes By Pat Myers , Published: February 27 *In Colorado and Washington state * Pot's now out of cops' control, * So when their teams met on a date * They just smiled and shared a Bowl.* Some people want their news as terse and mobile-friendly as possible. Here in Loserland we sometimes take a more leisurely approach. This week: Write a rhyming poem about something currently in the news, as in the example above by Washington Post Go-To Font of Poetry Gene Weingarten. Don't write about someone's recent death, as we have another contest for that. Poems getting ink in Invite contests tend to run four to eight lines, but there have been shorter and longer ones mixed in. Longer poems have to be especially good. To the Empress, "rhyming" refers to "perfect rhyme" or "true rhyme," in which the last /accented /syllables of two lines must rhyme with each other, and the un-accented ones that follow are identical or, rarely, rhyme with each other. "Loser" rhymes with "boozer" and "refuse her" and "use her," but not with "boozers" or "looser" or "closer" or — hey, the Empress gets this stuff all the time — "master." For those who read this contest and somehow haven't deduced this: The Style Invitational is a humor contest. The humor can be dark and pointed, but this isn't the place for gushy paeans or bitter but unwitty diatribes; we avoid the screedy. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives another wildly enviable pharmaceutical-company promotional prize donated by Earl Hughes, who recently supplied the fabulous EneMan mascot from Fleet that we award to today's second-prize winner. This one, at a distance, looks like a perfectly decorous blue and gold print necktie. But sidle up close to the necktie-wearer and you'll notice that the little blue dots in the print are actually little blue Viagra pills, each with the Pfizer stamp. Presumably the fabric of this tie is always crisp and firm, or at least for up to four hours. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 10; results published March 30 (online March 27). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1062" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Kathy El-Assal. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Report from Week 1058, in which we asked for jokes in the "good/bad/ugly" format. Many people sent in jokes that were basically "good news/bad news," without a third element that was significantly worse than the second. One too-frequently submitted idea: Good: You won the lottery. Bad: You're a fictional character. Ugly: In the Shirley Jackson story (or in "The Hunger Games"). *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * *Good:* You get to spend a summer's day at a beautiful beach. *Bad:* It's awfully crowded and noisy.* Ugly:* It is June 6, 1944. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / *2. Winner of the plush EneMan figure: * Good:* You have a full set of beautiful, healthy teeth. *Bad:* Which is being used to identify you. *Ugly:* Well, your head. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ *3.* Good: Your brother just had successful facial reconstruction surgery. *Bad: His wanted poster is displayed all over the country. *Ugly:* He's your twin brother. /(Neal Starkman, Seattle)/ *4.* Good:* You've won a trip to Paris. *Bad:* It's 1793. *Ugly:* You're treated like royalty. /(Nick Culp, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) / *Triple dreckers: honorable mentions* *Good: You've been chosen to take the first ride in the newest BMW. *Bad:* You only get to make one, very short trip. *Ugly:* You've seen what happened to the other dummies./(Steve McClemons, Arlington, Va.)/ *Good:* You have a new fur coat. *Bad:* It's from your ex-husband. *Ugly:* He got custody of the cats./(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)/ *Good:* You hedged your collateralized debt obligation with a credit default swap. *Bad:* You don't really know what that means. *Ugly:* Your broker figured you didn't. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *Good:* Florida Orange. *Bad:* Agent Orange. *Ugly:* Boehner Orange./(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ *Good:* Getting to the end of a race. *Bad:* It wasn't a record. *Ugly:* Compared with other genocides. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ *Good: Seven men are interested in you. *Bad:* They're all pretty short. *Ugly:* Dopey, bashful, grumpy and sneezy, too. /(Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) / *Good:* Scientists have discovered a cure for old age. *Bad:* It works only for women. *Ugly:* You are Prince Charles. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/ *Good:* Your boss says your job is safe.* Bad:* Because you're not going anywhere.* Ugly:* And if there's one thing he knows, it's prison laundries./(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *Good: A woman who's a dead ringer for Marilyn Monroe is giving you a come-hither look. *Bad:* She doesn't seem to want to talk to you. *Ugly:* You are in Madame Tussaud's. /(John O'Byrne, Dublin) / *Good:* Your state is raising taxes — but only on the 1 percent! *Bad:* You are part of that 1 percent. *Ugly:* It's the bottom 1 percent. /(Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.)/ *Good:* You made your live television debut. *Bad:* You had limited screen time. *Ugly:* The world has now seen Jim Cantore deliver a knee to your crotch. /(Steven Steele Cawman, Poughquag, N.Y., a First Offender) / *Good: Trying an Italian courtship. *Bad:* Being in a trying Italian courtship. *Ugly:* Being tried in an Italian court. — A. Knox /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / *Good:* You have front-row seats for the new "Cabaret" revival on Broadway. *Bad:* There's an announcement: "Due to an illness, Alan Cumming will not be performing tonight . . ." *Ugly:* "The role of the Emcee will be played by Justin Bieber." /(Chris Doyle, The Villages, Fla.) / *Good:* You just woke up with a satisfied yawn after the BEST. NAP. EVER! *Bad:* . . . to see your wife staring down at you. Boy, does she look upset! *Ugly:* So do all the other people at your wake. /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / *Good:* Your Mama jokes. *Bad:* Overused Your Mama jokes. *Ugly:* Accurate Your Mama jokes. /(Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) / *Good:* Fortune cookies. *Bad:* Your dinner date who ends each with ". . . in bed." *Ugly:* Your dinner date who ends each with ". . . rectally." /(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) / *Good:* They sent a car to pick you up at the airport. *Bad:* The back seat is uncomfortable. *Ugly:* So are the shackles. /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) / *Good:* I got a promotion. *Bad:* After sleeping with the boss. *Ugly:* It's a family business. /(Heather Spence, New York) / /And Last: / Good:* Your wife's PR agency won the Microsoft account. *Bad: She didn't tell you about it . . . *Ugly:* . . . before The Post published your Style Invitational entry about Bill Gates's ugly hair. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our partial-crossword contest, in which you get to supply words as well as clues. See bit.ly/invite1061. /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: With Parens Like These . . ., or Hum Improvement,* a contest to add some words in parentheses to a song title. bit.ly/invite1059. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1063, published March 9, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1063: Same Difference — compare/contrast 2 items from a wacky list By Pat Myers , Published: March 6 *A three-cupped bra and the Human Barbie: One of them is associated with a far more freakish distortion of the human female form. *Bob Staake's No. 2 pencils and the Arizona legislature: Whatever comes out of either of them is sure to be greeted with utter astonishment.* *"¢ A Fleetwood Mac reunion* *"¢ Sriracha Life Savers* *"¢ A Sochi hotel* *"¢ The polar vortex* *"¢ Bellybutton lint* *"¢ A three-cupped bra* *"¢ April Fools' Day* *"¢ Bob Staake's No. 2 pencils* *"¢ The Human Barbie* *"¢ "Jeopardy!" champ Arthur Chu* *"¢ The Arizona legislature* *"¢ West African fufu* *"¢ Buzzfeed quizzes* *"¢ A USB stick marked "Property of NSA"* *"¢ XL jeggings* *"¢ Adele Dazeem* It's our perennial compare/contrast contest, in which you take any two items from the list above and explain how they're similar or different,* as in the examples above. This week's items are how-you-say Loser-generated content: The Empress asked the members of the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook — now numbering more than 700 Losers and various hangers-on — to cough up a bunch of nouns or noun phrases. Then she picked 16 of them — each from a different person — to ensure randomness. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — in time for Passover, though it's just as useful all year round — a toilet seat cover that looks like a big oval matzoh, emblazoned with "Let my people go" in that awful ersatz-Hebrew lettering. Given the tendency of matzoh to be somewhat "binding" on the digestive process, the legend bears a certain irony. Donated by Loser Mike Gips, who might want to pray a little harder for forgiveness at the seder this year. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 17; results published April 6 (online April 3). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1063" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline for the "next week's results" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev , and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday. *Report from Week 1059, in which we asked you to add some words in parentheses to the title of a well-known song: *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *(Ad)just the Way You Are /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ *2.* /Winner of the Bimbo (food stores) shopping bag: / Me and Bobby McGee (Are English Majors)/(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ *3. Papa's Got a Brand New Bag (But He Had to Pay the Damn Five Cents)/(Jeff Seigle, Vienna, Va.)/ *4.* Masters of War (Johnson of Love) /(Bill Smith, Reston, Va.)/ *Pa(ren)thetic: honorable mentions* Wishin' and Hopin' (That Key Between the F and the H Starts Workin') /(Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)/ (Workin' at Walmart, So I'm) Livin' on a Prayer /(Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)/ I'd Really Love to See You Tonight (So I Hope You Open Your Blinds)/(Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.)/ We Gotta Get Out of This Place (Before Deer Season Opens) "" The Animals /(Larry Neal, McLean, Va.)/ You Can Do Magic (But You Can't Put the Toilet Seat Down) /(Robyn Carlson)/ Greensleeves (How About Using Kleenex?) /(Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.; Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.)/ I Will Always Love You (Don't Play This at Your Wedding, You Moron, It's a Breakup Song) /(Jeff Seigle)/ Like a Rolling Stone (Follow Mick on Facebook) /(Bill Smith)/ Take It to the Limit (It's My Parents' Card) /(Jennifer Gittins-Harfst, Annandale, Va.)/ (Playing Garage Band on My iPhone) While My Guitar Gently Weeps /(Marni Penning Coleman)/ Hold On, We're Going Home (I Told You I'd Turn This Car Around if You Threw That Crayon) /(Andrew McLean, Huntingtown, Md., a First Offender)/ Respect Yourself (But First, Go Fetch Me a Beer) /(David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)/ Baby I Need Your (Payment Before We Start the) Loving /(Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario)/ (Why Is Your Name Tattooed on) My Boyfriend's Back /(Steve McClemons, Arlington, Va.)/ Every Face Tells a Story (Yours Was Written by Stephen King) /(Lawrence McGuire)/ I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (Where /Are/ Those $3.98 Clearance Pants In Neon Orange?) /(Lawrence McGuire)/ I Got You Babe (Love Theme From "Paul Bunyan") /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ Since U Been Gone (Learning to Live With Only 25 Letters) /(John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)/ To All the Girls I've Loved Before (You Might Want to Get Tested) /(Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring)/ Don't Ever Change (The Baby's Diaper Again Using a Staple Gun) /(Brian Allgar, Paris)/ (My Sex Change Operation Is Tomorrow) Bye Bye Birdie /(Dan O'Day, Alexandria, Va.)/ Wild Is the Wind (And Overspiced Was the Eggplant) /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ Hard Knock Life (For a Jehovah's Witness) /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ I Will Always Love You (Within the Contractual Terms of Our Agreement) /(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)/ You've Got a Friend in Me (The Orgy Song) /(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)/ Three Little Words (Click to Learn This Weird Seduction Secret!) /(Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.)/ Buffalo Gals (Are Not as Hot as Buffalo Wings) /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ My Eyes Adored You (But My Nose Disagreed) /(Kevin Jamison, Gaithersburg, Md.)/ (First I Saw Yore in the Dictionary) Then Came You /(Kevin Jamison)/ Thou Swell (When Thou Gettest Stung by a Jellyfishe) /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ (How I Wish I Still Lived in My Parents' Basement, I've Got Those) Subterranean Homesick Blues /(Douglas Goralski, McLean, Va.)/ (My Horse Was Double-Parked Here First, So It's My) Space Cowboy /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ Stuck in the (Hi!) Middle With You /(Kevin Dopart)/ I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing (In Perfect Harmony) (As Long as Everyone's Singing in English) /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)/ The Devil Went Down to Georgia (Next Stop, Ukraine) /(Dann Sklarew, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)/ We Didn't Start the Fire (We Just Pulled the Alarm to Get Out of History Class) /(Danny Bravman, Chicago)/ (Putin Is Totally) Over the Rainbow /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ I'm Looking Through You (That's One Nasty Exit Wound) /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ Turn! Turn! Turn! (Recalculating . . .) /(Brendan Beary; Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ Papa Was a Rolling Stone (Coulda Been Any of 'Em — Mama Was a Groupie at Altamont) /(Brendan Beary)/ What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger (The Denny's Song) /(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)/ If Ever I Would Leave You (The Dog's Going With Me) /(Chris Doyle, The Villages, Fla.)/ Ain't No Sunshine (Where You Ought to Put Your Opinions) /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/ I Will Always Love You (After You Sign Here, and Initial Here) /(Laurie Morrison, Rockville, Md.)/ (My) Turn! (My) Turn! (My) Turn! /(Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg, Md.)/ (I Got Ink! /Now)/ Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?/(May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night: A contest for current-events poems: See bit.ly/invite1062. /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Picture This, or Art of Dorkness,* a contest to write captions for any of four Bob Staake cartoons. See bit.ly/invite1060. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1064, published March 16, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1066 minus 2: HistoRebuffs; and winning cartoon captions By Pat Myers , Thursday, March 13, 3:51 PM *1066: At the Battle of Hastings, the French are repelled from England and return to Normandy. The discredited regime goes into a tailspin, and the English invade and annex France as a province. The French language is snuffed out, and French chefs are forced to learn British cooking. Now, Haggis Flambé is beloved the world over. /(Elden Carnahan)/ *1790s: What if Johnny Appleseed had planted marijuana instead of apples? Our national pastime would be Hacky Sack.* /(Steve Fahey)/ *1974: What if Agnew were still vice president when Nixon resigned? They would have had to put in a drive-up window at the White House for night deposits. /(Chuck Smith)/ We were going to do this contest on Week 1066 — to play off the only year that's really famous enough until Week 1215, or maybe even Week 1492 — but a couple of Invite scheduling issues conspired against us. This contest is a pretty tenuous link, anyway, but Hall of Fame Loser Elden Carnahan's suggestion and example do give us a chance to bring back a contest we last did in the previous century, under the reign of the Empress's predecessor, the Czar. This week: Alter some moment in history and tell us — in no more than about 50 words — the likely outcome, as in the examples above: Elden's new one, plus one entry each from Week 261 (1998) and Week 140 (1995). Remember, this is a humor contest. (Hey, wait: If the French language had been snuffed out, why would the dish still be known as "flambé"?) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives (talk about historic!) an Official Penitential Hairshirt — actually a gag-gift burlap thing in a burlap bag — regifted by Eternal Loser Tom Witte, who won this as a Style Invitational first-place prize in Week 336, which was 14 years ago. Tom swears he hasn't worn it out, given that he feels no guilt over anything. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 24; results published April 13 (online April 10). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1064" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Dave Prevar and Tom Witte; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Mae Scanlan. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev , and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday. *Report from Week 1060, in which we asked you for captions for any of these four Bob Staake cartoons: Too many people to credit quoted the dog in the subway as saying, "Take my advice — don't pee on the third rail." *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /Cartoon 3:/ "The curb-your-dog laws are so strict in the city, I have to go to the suburbs every time I need to do my business." /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)/ *2.* Winner of the Karleks Band bed connector for active hotel room guests:* /Cartoon 2:/ "M'sieur thought I was going to push the chair IN for him, didn't m'sieur?"/(Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.)/ *3.* /Cartoon 4: /Long frustrated by the confines of a standard sedan, Roy had his driver's side windows removed for a more fulfilling road rage experience. /(Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)/ *4.* /Cartoon 3: /"Who let me out? Who let YOU out?/(Jeff Wolfson, Potomac, Md.)/ *Scraptions: honorable mentions* *CARTOON 1* Ruth promised her grandchildren that she would tweet her radiology results. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ "I'm not sure how to break the news to you, Mrs. Smith, but you appear to have an enlarged prostate." /(Saul Jay Singer, Silver Spring, Md.)/ "You must hear this all the time, Mrs. Farkis, but your duodenum really loves the camera."/(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ "So tell me, are you able to change channels by belching?" /(Doug Hamilton, College Park)/ "You realize, Mrs. Gibble, that underwire bras are generally more effective when worn on the outside."/(Mike Greene, Alexandria, Va.)/ "The good news is I don't see the fly or the spider. However, the recommended treatment for catching the bird may present serious side effects." /(Trevor Kerr)/ "If your insurance won't cover the operation, I think I could go in laparoscopically and change that ringtone for you." /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) / "Ma'am, I gather you didn't swallow this flashlight." /(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)/ Whistler's Sonogram. /(Kevin Dopart)/ *CARTOON 2* /"Mais non, monsieur — /prix fixe does not include zee chair." /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ "Mr. Kilroy, so good that you're here again." /(Harry Megaw, Fairfax, Va.)/ "I assure monsieur that our croque-monsieur contains no actual monsieur." /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ "Would /señor /prefer the mild salsa instead?" /(Edward Gordon, Austin)/ "I take it from your response, Mr. Boehner, that you would not like a cup of tea." /(Greg Arnold, Herndon, Va.)/ "And I hope you've enjoyed the full tasting menu here at From Pharm to Table."/(Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.)/ "Sir, I can bring more crayons if you dropped yours."/(Larry Carnahan, Arlington, Va.)/ "Ah, I see you've noticed our new Dining Roomba." /(Sylvia Betts)/ "You'll find that the tablecloth tastes much better if you wash it down with an '82 Chateau Latour." /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / Lord Grantham, as Mr. Carson has taken ill, your American brother-in-law thought I could help you out here at Downton./(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)/ "As you see, not only do we serve small plates, but we also have very small chairs." /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / "I beg your pardon; when you said you didn't know where we could have gotten those delicious oysters in the Rocky Mountains, I thought you wanted me to tell you." /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / *CARTOON 3 "Mine's not a bellybutton — it's just a tick." /(Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.)/ "Do you get more belly rubs when you're dressed like that?" /(Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.)/ "We can make this work, Lisa. I won't ask you, 'How's the weather up there?' and you won't tell people, 'Because he can.' " /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ "You remind me so much of my mom, except you're missing several breasts." /(Larry Yungk)/ Before his big break, Inspector McGruff tried working for the fashion police. /(Fred Axmacher, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)/ ". . . So I dug a big hole in the backyard, and PLOP! I'm just as surprised as you are."/(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ "Hi, Zoe. Frank Underwood asked me to tell you he's running late."/(Jan Forman, Great Falls, Va., a First Offender)/ "You people built two major religions around a talking snake, but a dog talks and you call Fox 5." /(Lawrence McGuire)/ "Let me hit that hydrant in Cartoon 4 and I'll be right back."/(Rob Huffman)/ "You know, when I want to 'friend' someone, I just sniff his butt." /(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)/ "I used to chase cars, but now I support public transportation." /(Larry Yungk)/ *CARTOON 4* "Where the $¥£"‚¬ is Wall Street?"/(Konrad Schwoerke, Durham, N.C.)/ Spike loved his new job: beta-testing insults for the cabbies' association./(Frank Osen)/ Still new to the ways of Metropolis, Clark Kent becomes the victim of a drive-by shouting. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ "My hovercraft is full of wheels!" /(Mark Raffman)/ Bob found that he needed to adjust his whistle: he mistakenly hailed a cad./(Jack McCombs, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)/ "HEY! ARE YOU THE COVERT OPERATIVE CARRYING THE DOCUMENTS I'M SUPPOSED TO PICK UP AT THIS QUIET CORNER OF OLD BUDAPEST?" /(Lawrence McGuire) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest to compare or contrast two wacky items in a list we gave. See bit.ly/invite1063 .* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Less Taste, More Fill-In, or The Missing Ink,* a contest in which we presented a crossword grid with only some of the letters present, and invited you to come up with both words and funny clues. See bit.ly/invite1061. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1065, published March 23, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1066 minus 1: Fasten your doublets; plus crossword clues By Pat Myers , Thursday, March 20, 3:44 PM *Sneeze and desist: Don't come to work sick, for cryin' out loud!* *Peace and carats: Slogan for a boycott of "conflict diamonds." Aid and abet . . . over and above . . . cease and desist . . . care and attention . . . appropriate and proper . . . to have and to hold . . . null and void . . .lewd and lascivious . . . part and parcel . . . "ƒFor the second straight week, we salute the year 1066 by running a contest on a different week (we have to do something else next week) that has very little to do with the year anyway: "ƒNotice something about the word pairs (mostly legal phrases) listed above? The words in each pair, or "doublet," have similar, sometimes even identical meanings. The reason, explains Loser Doug Frank, is that after the Norman Conquest, the French invasion of England, some people in Britain were more familiar with Anglo-Saxon words, while others fared better in French or Latin. And so, in one of the rare instances of bureaucracy making things more understandable, legal terms were often presented in two languages. "ƒIt didn't take long for the English language to absorb all those French words anyway, but the redundant pairs have dug in to this day. "ƒWhich, finally, allows us to be even more tangential to this tenuous link to 1066: For Week 1065: Slightly alter ANY well-known phrase in the form "A-and-B" — it doesn't have to be Latinate/Anglo-Saxon, and it doesn't have to be in the list above — and define it,* as in Doug's examples above. By "slightly alter," I mean that it should be clear in the new version what the old one is. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. And second place receives, of course, a pair: a little game called Pig Jax, which is simply a game of jacks but played with little plastic pigs instead of jacks; and a sizable bag of orange and yellowGummi-like chicken feet . Both donated by Loser Bruce Alter. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 31; results published April 20 (online April 17), by which time little Washingtonian children presumably will not have to dig for Easter eggs in the snow. No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1065" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev , and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday. *Report from Week 1061, in which the Empress presented the partially filled-in Bob Klahn crossword shown here, and asked for words — either real or coined ones — that would fit the individual word-spaces in the grid (they didn't have to work as a valid crossword). Here are the best of the thousands of emtries: Some wouldn't be out of place in an actual creative crossword; others, you'll see, belong only here. (See the complete original at bit.ly/klahn1061. ) *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial * *16 Across (C - - TE): CASTE:* The role of a lifetime /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *Second place, /Winner of the 2003 (but works in 2014!) "Spam Through the Ages" calendar: / 32 Across (F--S): FEES: When you lie down with doctors, you get up with these/(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *Third place: 35 Down (-IESINT-): LIES INTO:* A politician does this with a microphone /(Rebecca Reed, Charlottesville, Va., a First Offender) / *Fourth place: 57 Across (-ES--OIN-): TESTLOINS:* People you date, but don't marry /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / *Shortz-shrifted: honorable mentions* *1 Across (SW--D--AN): SWINDLEAN:* A diet program in which you lose only money /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/ Or . . . SWAN DIVAN:* A Bjork-alounger /(Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.)/ *10 Across (MO-ST): MONST:* What monsters do, duh. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village; Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) / *15 Across (---EA-EM-): MAKE A MEME:* Post an embarrassing photo of yourself online /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / Or . . . NUKE A NEMO:* To microwave fish for dinner /(Mae Scanlan, Washington) / Or . . . JOKE AHEMS:* Polite way to discourage impolite humor /(Elden Carnahan) / *17 Across (-L-N-A-E-): CLINGAGER: 35-year-old still living at home /(Yuki Henninger, Vienna, Va.) / Or . . . KLANBAKES:* Bigot banquets. /(Ray Gallucci, Frederick, Md., a First Offender)/ *18 Across (S-IR-): SNIRI:* Cellphone assistant with attitude: "I said to turn right, idiot!"/(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) / *19 Across (-N-O): Unno:* Yes /(Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.)/ *22 Across (US-S): US IS: Opposite of "you ain't"/(Bob Brandenburger, Chester, Md., a First Offender) / *20 Across (-I--W): SI JEW:*Answer to "Do you sell kosher tacos?" /(Roy Ashley, Washington) / *25 Across (JA-): JAR:* One Bink /(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)/ Or . . . JAQ:* Seize control of a Scrabble game /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) / *27 Across (-A-): GAY: Iranian term for "does not exist here" /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ *30 Across (--IG--I): ORIGUMI:* The art of sticking cut paper together with tacky glue because those folding directions are %^&* IMPOSSIBLE /(Danielle Nowlin) / Or . . . URIGAMI:* The art of creating designs by peeing in snow/(Frank Osen)/ *32 Across (F--S): FOTS:* The results of overeating in Beantown /(Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles)/ *33 Across (-R--L--): BRIDLED:* What the groom became after the wedding /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / *34 Across (S-O-ID): SLOW ID:* One who seeks immediate gratification sometime down the road /(Harry Megaw, Fairfax, Va.)/ Or . . . SHODID:* "Yes" in Southern /(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.; Steve Honley, Washington)/ *38 Across (AIR--G-): AIRRUGS:* Toupees in March /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) / *41 Across (-E-TER-): DEUTERO:* Author of the fifth book of the Bible/(Jim Holt, Washington) / Or . . . MEDTERM:* The next election, if everyone's still talking about Obamacare /(Frank Osen) / Or . . . BESTERD: A Style Invitational winner who isn't you /(Seth Tucker, Washington; Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) / *54 Across (B--E): BUKE: To primand /(Mae Scanlan)/ *55 Across (ON-A-): ONEAL:*Amateur athlete Ryan and amateur actor Shaquille /(Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md./ *57 ACROSS (-ES--OIN-): WEST POINT:* Half of Mae's bra /(Mike Gips)/ Or . . . BEST BOINK:* Top honor at the Adult Film Awards /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond) / Or . . . JEST, NO INK: The story of my life /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md., whose life actually has 181 blots of Invite ink)/ *59 Across (-T-NA): ET DNA:* What was found on Elliott's finger/(Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.)/ *60 Across (-NA---CE): ONANDANCE: Weekend diversion at boys' prep school /(Rich Laska, Barstow, W.Va.) / *62 Across (N-----K-R): NEW PORKER:* Freshman senator /(Seth Tucker) / Or . . . NAN FORKER:* Prissy diner in an Indian restaurant /(Nitin Kumar, Washington, a First Offender)/ Or . . . NEE YORKER:* The only excuse for being a Yankees fan in this area /(Mark Raffman)/ *1 Down (S----S): SMUTTS:* Dogs that hump your leg./(John O'Byrne, Dublin)/ *4 Down (-ENO): LENO:* Jay Zzzzzz /(Roy Ashley)/ *6 Down (--A--A-DGR--): FLACK AND GRAB:* The Washington Way /(Mark Sheppard, Sterling, Va., a First Offender)/ *9 Down (N---J--): NOT R JOB:* EMS calls at some D.C. firehouses /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)/ Or . . . NYUKJAW: Affliction that prematurely ended Curly Howard's career with the Three Stooges /(Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) / *11 Down (O--U): OBFU:* Initials often cried out during labor. /(Nan Reiner) / *13 Down (STR-A-A-): ST REAGAN:* Icon worshiped by GOP hopefuls /(Mark Raffman; Mae Scanlan)/ *26 Down (-I-L-BO): RIO LUBO:* The Keystone XL pipeline /(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)/ *44 Down (SE-NC-): SEANCE:* It may lead to spirited discussion /(Jeff Contompasis) / *45 Down (--E-ER): VREMER:* Signature on that priceless Old Master painting you discovered at a yard sale. /(Debbie Wagner, Brookeville, Md.) / *49 Down (KE--SA-): KEGNSAX: Party fun in the Clinton White House /(Jeff Covel, Arlington, Va.) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest to change a moment in history and explain the effect. See bit.ly/invite1064 .* /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: The News Could Be Verse, or The Bard News Bearers,* a contest for short poems on current-events themes. See bit.ly/invite1062. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== NO WEEK NUMBER; published March 30, 2014 We're verse with the news: The results of our current-events poetry contest By Pat Myers , Published: March 27 Four weeks from now, the Empress will be on assignment overseas — okay, she assigned herself a week or so of leisure time — so there's no new contest this week. But in four weeks, we'll publish some more of the honorable mentions from Week 1062: current-events poems that shouldn't be outdated a month from now. Meanwhile, next week's print-edition readers will find The Style Invitational in a new location in the Sunday Post: The Arts and Sunday Style sections have decided to move in together — move /back / in together, really — into a single broadsheet (full-size) section called Arts & Style: Just as in the weekday paper, classical arts, popular arts and various featurey columns will once again be in one trip-to-the-bathroom-friendly section — call it same-section marriage. And the Invite will be inside the section, at the top of the page right next to the crossword. Be sure to track us down, because we'll be celebrating our new digs with the contest everyone loves to enter: our 20th annual challenge to "breed" two horses in a list of some of this year's Triple Crown-nominated racehorses, and name their "foal." The new contest and list of horses will appear online Thursday, April 3, and in the April 6 Arts & Style. *Meanwhile, still running — deadline Monday night: our contest to slightly alter an "A-and-B" phrase ("aid and abet," "peace and quiet," etc.) and define the result. See bit.ly/invite1065 . /(Today's honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline in the "Next week's contest" line was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart.)/ *Report from Week 1062, in which we asked for rhyming poems based on current events. The deadline for submissions was March 10, and although there was still a lot of confusion about what was going on in Ukraine, a slew of entrants wrote a verse or title including "Crimea River." *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * *Administration tries to get young adults to sign up for Obamacare* "Hey, horse, here's some water!" You can't make him drink. "Hey, people, here's science!" You can't make them think. "Hey, boyfriend! I'm perfect!" You can't force his love. "Hey, young people, heard about Healthcare.gov?"/(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/ *2. /Winner of the necktie covered withlittle pictures of Viagra: / *Mass. court rules upskirt photos are legal* In Boston a hotshot's been getting his jollies By upskirting crotch shots of women on trolleys. He's guilty as sin, and so people will scoff If the verdict comes in and again he gets off. /(Chris Doyle, The Villages, Fla.) / (The state enacted a law the very next day to make this a crime.) *3.* Ariz. Gov. Brewer vetoes bill that would allow discrimination against gays* /(A double dactyl) / Warily, verily, Brewer the Governor Vetoed the anti-gay Bill in her state. Threats from the Super Bowl Showed Arizonans that Buy-sexuality's Stronger than hate./(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *4.* Fox News doesn't like the president!* A reckless, mad Caesar or feckless appeaser? Dictatorial, scheming or meek? You must tune in Fox News to see how it skews, Which Obama they'll feature this week. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *Taxing poetic: honorable mentions* *The Crimea takeover *The world's big leaders babble While Putin quells the rabble, He lets Obama dabble In his feckless, toothless threats. He's heedless to the prattle For Russia means to battle — Not just saber-rattle, As more ruthless Putin gets. /(Ray Gallucci, Frederick, Md.)/ *French scientist revives ancient virus* Forget about the pyramids and scrolls made of papyrus; I'll tell you what is /old:/ a 30,000-year-old virus. They've thawed and resurrected one — an awful lot of drama there! But since it's "preexisting," is it covered by Obamacare? /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / *Md. health care signup is a disaster* /(With apologies to Coleridge: original here )/ In Maryland did Kubla Khan A statewide Health Exchange decree. Where Crash, the half-baked Web site, ran With bug counts measureless to man Down too, too frequently./ (Gary Crockett) / *Kim Kardashian, Kanye West announce engagement* Kimye set a wedding date And many will attend it, The sooner they get started, well, The sooner they can end it. /(Danielle Nowlin) / *Gestapolemics?* Quoth Hillary: "Putin's like Hitler," Which caused lots of folks to belittle her. /(Frank Osen) / *John Travolta introduces Idina Menzel as 'Adele Dazeem'*' If I were Idina Menzel, And on Oscar night, sounded like hell, Then it might be my dream To be dubbed "Ms. Dazeem" Or otherwise known as "Adele." /(Mark Raffman, Reston)/ *Region's traffic jams eased slightly Our time stuck in traffic decreased this past year! For what should we give a collective big cheer? For smart growth and transit and doing things right? For pooling our cars and our efforts? Not quite. The shutdown kept bureaucrats home by the mobs, And cash sequestration cost thousands of jobs. /(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) / *Canada demands that porn channels use more local talent* The Canadian broadcast commission Wants adult TV channels to play Home-grown porn, 'cause its members are wishin' For gals who cry, "Oh! Oh! Oh! Eh!" /(Chris Doyle) / *Tribute to Gov. Christie *There's no traffic like slow traffic There's no traffic I know! People say that I am all too willing To retaliate against my foes. But I find the power so fulfilling — It's really thrilling when traffic slows! There's no traffic like slow traffic I love watching lines grow! Though I made the New York Port Authority Screw up commuters all through Fort Lee, I will be the presidential nominee!! Let's go on with the show! / (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) / *To the tune of "America the Beautiful"* "America the Beautiful": When we hear that song sung By anyone who's dark or gay. or speaks a foreign tongue, Our patriotic hearts are filled with somber waves of hate, For xenophobic loathing is what makes our country great. We love to watch the Super Bowl, and we love every ad. But this year there was one for Coke that made us super mad. America, America! Fox shed its rage on thee. Fill spacious skies with angry cries against diversity. / (Chris O'Carroll, Emporia, Kan.)/ /*And Last:* / A famous daily paper has its fun with male distress And offers as a trophy, lacking conscience or redress, A tie festooned with potent pills from mega-pharma joints — And if you still don't get it, take a look at where it points. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) / /See the Empress's online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today's new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you'd like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she'll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there. / *Next week's results: Same Difference, or Grin and Pair It,* our perennial contest to explain how any two items on a random list we supply are alike or different. See bit.ly/invite1063. ====================================================================== WEEK 1066, published April 6, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1066: Foaling Around: It's our venerable horse-'breeding' contest By Pat Myers , Thursday, April 3, 4:54 PM *Dunkin Bend x Big Tire = Mmm, Donuts* *Our Caravan x Smack Smack = Sock Her, Mom! *Edison x Flat Gone = Deadison We're greeting print-Post readers this week from our new digs, snuggled against the crossword in the brand-new Arts & Style section, but we're setting up our new quarters with familiar furnishings: It's the 20th straight year of one of the most popular Style Invitational contests, one that usually draws several thousand entries, even though the purse is not exactly the $2 million up for grabs in this year's Kentucky Derby; however, we offer a bobblehead, a hat, a bag, a mug and a stack of refrigerator magnets, while the derby won't give the winners a single one of those. At the bottom of this page is a list of 100 of the 3-year-old racehorses nominated for this year's Triple Crown events; your job is to "breed" any two of them and name the "foal" to reflect both names, as in the examples above. No, it doesn't matter that virtually all — though not all-all — of the horses in the list are male(the filly Got Lucky doesn't need to get /that /lucky). A name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces,* as in the real racehorse world, but we will allow one or more of the characters to be a punctuation mark or numeral. You may run words together to make the name fit if it's simply hilarious, but the name still should be easy to read — see, we like people to read the Invite. Be sure not to misspell the original horse name in your entry, or the Empress might miss it when she searches on each horse's name during the judging. As always, you may send as many as 25 entries, and they can all be on the same e-mail. Winner gets not a blanket of roses but the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine 2009 Kentucky Derby souvenir ballcap, donated by Loser Sam Laudenslager. The race that year, by the way, was won by the utter longshot Mine That Bird (Birdstone x Mining My Own), who retired two years later. But the 2009 Invite Derby was won by 371-time Loser and horse-naming specialist Jonathan Paul (Sir Phenomenal x Empire State = Knight Who Says NY), who, we wager, has already saddled up and headed for the starting gate once again. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 14; results published May 4 (online May 1, two days before Derby Day). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1066" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Dave Prevar; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column (posted late Thursday afternoon or early evening) discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *Report from Week 1063, 'Same Difference': Typically ingenious results this week to our perennial contest in which we posted a list of 16 random items and asked you to tell how any two were alike or different. Almost 20 people suggested that the difference between the Arizona legislature and a three-cupped bra is that the bra contains only three boobs. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial:* *A Fleetwood Mac reunion vs. the Arizona legislature : One will have you singing "Don't Stop"; the other will have you screaming, "Don't! Stop!" (Dave Letizia, Alexandria, Va.) *2nd place, winner of the matzo-printed toilet seat cover saying "Let My People Go"* *The Human Barbie *is a real person transformed into an imaginary person with big boobs; *Adele Dazeem is a real person transformed into an imaginary person by a big boob. (Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) *3rd place* *A USB stick marked "Property of NSA"* is valuable to a deserter; *XL jeggings* are valuable to a desserter. (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) *4th place* *XL jeggings:* Big waistband width. *Buzzfeed quizzes: Big bandwidth waste. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Paired down: honorable mentions* *Bob Staake's No. 2 pencils* and the Arizona legislature:* Both are guaranteed to come up with something patently ridiculous, but only one of them on purpose. (Lori Petterson, College Park, Md., a First Offender) "¢ And: One is used with discri-mination to draw gray lines; the other uses discrimination to draw gay lines. (Diane Wah, Seattle) *Adele Dazeem and the Arizona legislature:* One was an /honest/ mistake. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Buzzfeed quizzes * vs. a USB stick marked "Property of NSA":* The former shows you what you got on them; the latter shows you what they got on you. (Jeff Contompasis) *A three-cupped bra* and XL jeggings: Both are top sellers at the Chernobyl Wal-Mart. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *West Africanfufu * and a three-cupped bra:* One is full of cassava; the other is full of casaba. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Both the Arizona legislature* and a Sochi hotel* think it's fine to refuse to serve a West African fufu. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *"Jeopardy!" champ Arthur Chu* is a recipient of the show's largess, while XL jeggings* can accommodate a large . . . (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *April Fools' Day: You can see right through that trick! The Human Barbie:* You can see right through that chick! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *The polar vortex* and Adele Dazeem:* One is a legitimate name associated with "Frozen." (Kelly Ronayne, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) *A three-cupped bra and the Human Barbie: Neither is what you'd call anatomically correct. (Edward Gordon, Austin) *The Human Barbie and a Sochi hotel: Both ought to put up a big "Vacancy" sign. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.; Heather Spence, New York) *Bellybutton lint vs. the Human Barbie:* With one, there's a bit of fluff stuck in your navel; with the other, it's clinging to your arm. (Zoe Benfell, Mechanicsville, Md., a First Offender) *Sriracha Life Savers* have more calories than the Human Barbie. And they're hotter. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) *April Fool's Day* and a USB stick marked "Property of NSA":* For some reason, the FBI didn't think the two of them made sense together the way my client did. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) *The polar vortex and a "Property of NSA" stick*: If you have one, you may be snowed in; if you have the other, you may be Snowden. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Adele Dazeem*and a three-cupped bra:* Each may be evidence of one nip too many. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Arthur Chu stalked the Daily Double, while a three-cupped bra* is the Bali Triple. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) *A Sochi hotel* and a three-cupped bra:* With the first, you might not have /enough / doorknobs. (Danielle Nowlin) *Bellybutton lint* and a USB stick marked "Property of NSA": It's safer to stick the lint into your PC. (Tom Panther, Springfield, Va.) "¢ And: The deeper you dig into either one, the funnier it smells. (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.) *Bob Staake's No. 2 pencils* vs.*the Human Barbie: Staake's pencils render the human form more realistically, even with bananas for noses. (Lawrence McGuire) *Buzzfeed quizzes* vs. XL jeggings:* You can use one to figure out what type of animal you are; with the other, you already know you're a hippo. (Mark Raffman) *Bob Staake's No. 2 pencils* and a Sochi hotel:* Each is a synonym for a dump. (Frank Osen) S*riracha Life Savers and a Sochi hotel: If you try either one, carry a large supply of water. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.; Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) *A Fleetwood Mac Reunion and a*Sochi hotel: You won't be able to sleep at a Sochi hotel. (Rob Huffman) *A USB stick marked "Property of NSA": Beware of malware. XL jeggings: Beware of malwear. (Jonathan Hardis) *West African fufu* and the Arizona Legislature:* One has, as its end, "f-u"; the other, as its end, to F.U. (Kelly Ronayne) /*Next week's results: HistoRebuffs,* or Change You Can't Believe In,* our Week 1064 contest (or, as we called it, 1066 minus 2) to alter a moment in history and describe the effect. / *The horse names to use for Week 1066* Act Albano All Tied Up Almost Famous Asserting Bear Athens Best Plan Yet Big Bazinga Big Tire Big Tuff Blarp Bobby's Kitten Bourbonize Brilliant Mess Cairo Prince California Chrome Candy Boy Charge Now Chitu Coastline Commanding Curve Commandment Commissioner Constitution Crushed It Culprit Cut the Net Deceived Dunkin Bend Edison Effinex Elevated Excessive Kid Exit Stage Left Fascinating Rock Financial Mogul Fire Starter Flat Gone Gaining Ground General A Rod Gift Diamond Gold Hawk Got Lucky Grand Strand Grizzly Song Guggenheim Harpoon Hoppertunity Icy Ride I Earned It Baby I'll Wrap It Up Indianapolis Intense Holiday Jimmy Connors Kowboy Boots Life Is a Joy Matador Mental Iceberg Midnight Hawk Misconnect Mr Speaker Noble Moon No Nay Never Only I Know Oogeley Eye Our Caravan Pacific Pax in Terra Poker Player Ride On Curlin Ring Weekend Rise Up Russian Humor Samraat Scotland Skydive Smack Smack Smart Cover Snuggley Bear So Lonesome Sportscaster Spot Stockholder Streaming Strong Mandate Superlooper Tall Boy The Custodian Thunder Moon Toast of New York Tout Twenty Percent Uncle Sigh Undertaker Vegas Strip Vicar's In Trouble We Miss Artie Wicked Strong Wildcat Red Wry /Sources: The Downey Profile and Bloodhorse.com; special thanks to Losers Laura Bennett Peterson and Wilson Varga for alerting the Empress to late additions to and scratches from the list. / © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1067, published April 13, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1067: Tinker with a quote, plus the alternative-history winners By Pat Myers , Published: April 10 /(Note: This week's new contest appears farther down the page, after this week's results. It's an experiment — in our new design in the print paper, in The Post's Arts & Style section, the results and new contest run basically side by side, an option we don't have online. Let the Empress know what you think of having the results first, for a change: Write her at pat.myers@washpost.com .)./ **Report from Week 1064: HistoRebuffs: Actually we called it Week 1066 Minus 2, in honor of just about the only event we knew that took place in a year we could associate with an Invite week: The contest was to explain what would happen if some moment in history had happened differently. **The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *1972: If the Democratic National Committee headquarters had been in the Willard Hotel, every scandal since then would have a name ending in "lard." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) **2nd place and a burlap sack called the Official Penitential Hair Shirt: *1963: Because of Cold War tensions, JFK's trip to Germany is rerouted through several other cities to avoid Berlin. He declares to the crowds, /"Ich bin ein Wiener, ein Bad Homburger und ein Putbusser!"/ The president returns home in disgrace. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) **3rd place:* *1949: What if George Orwell hadn't written "1984"? Today, we wouldn't use the term "Big Brother" to refer to the [REDACTED]. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) **4th place: *1603: Shakespeare has Horatio kiss Hamlet on the lips right after saying, "Good night, sweet prince." Soon, the stigma of homosexual relationships all but vanishes in the Western world. Then, in 2123, South Carolina legalizes same-sex marriage. (Ken Schwartz, Burke, Va.) **Going down in history: honorable mentions* *1618: John of Arc leads the French army to victory at the Siege of Orleans. He is immediately recognized as a saint, given command of all French forces and named second in line to the crown. (Scott Poyer, Annapolis, Md.) **1865: If Lincoln had survived, though wounded in the assassination attempt: The president decides to bolster audience confidence in the safety of attending plays by creating a Theater Security Administration, requiring theatergoers to remove their clothing for a daguerreotype before entering. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) *1 million B.C.:* /Homo erectus /fails to tame fire. We celebrate the Fourth of July by standing around a pile of wood. (Douglas Raybeck, Amherst, Mass., a First Offender) *1912:* What if the Titanic had avoided hitting the iceberg? Celine Dion would be singing the theme song from "Costa Concordia." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *66 million B.C.:* If the dinosaurs had decomposed into butter instead of petroleum, we'd have trouble running our cars, but movie popcorn would taste better. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *144 B.C.:* If the Maccabees hadn't succeeded in liberating the Temple, there would be no Hanukkah. Then Fox News wouldn't be able to complain about stores wishing people "Happy holidays." (David Schildkret, Chandler, Ariz.) *455:* The Vandals are driven back at the walls of Rome. The city is saved from being sacked, but its walls are permanently scarred with graffiti. (Konrad Schwoerke, Durham, N.C.) *525:* What if Dionysius Exiguus had remembered to include a Year Zero in his definition of the A.D. era? Every hundred years, crestfallen pedants would be unable to point out when the /real/ turn of the century occurs. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *1517:* If Martin Luther hadn't nailed his 95 Theses to the church in Wittenberg, the FBI would have wiretapped John Calvin King in the 1960s.(Kevin Dopart, Washington) *1832:* If the June Rebellion had succeeded in overthrowing the French crown, Russell Crowe's singing would've ruined the movie musical "Les Triomphantes." (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.) *1853:* If Elisha Otis had not invented the elevator safety brake, no one would have bothered to invent the StairMaster. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) *1863:* Gen. George Pickett says at Gettysburg, "Let's circle around and surprise them from behind." For centuries thereafter, commuters at the American Legion Bridge curse "Pickett's Surprise" as they line up to show passports twice a day at the Maryland-Virginia border. (Ken Schwartz) *1881:* Billy the Kid survives being shot and continues his outlaw ways. When finally killed years later, he's known as "William the Man." (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) *1886:* France gives the United States a giant replica of Rodin's "Thinker." The gift proves embarrassing when busy New York harbor activity behind the structure cause scatological laughs. "The Stinker," as it's soon called, is hastily removed from the harbor. All French immigration is terminated. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *1912: What if Jackson Pollock had not been born? We'd have to clean up after all our paint jobs. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) *1917:* Had the Bolshevik Revolution not happened, the Beatles' White Album would have started with "Back in the Land of the Czar." (Brad Alexander) *1990:* J.K. Rowling gets a rewarding but time-consuming job, goes off the dole and gives up writing. Kids continue to stay away from books. Thus humanity is saved from the "Twilight" phenomenon. (Steven Steele Cawman, Poughquag, N.Y. ) *???:* If the extraterrestrials hadn't messed with all those ancient cultures, the History Channel would have to make up some real garbage to fill its schedule. (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) *1596:*If John Harrington, the inventor of the flush toilet, had gotten the credit he deserved, instead of Thomas Crapper (who improved it in the 19th century), then nobody would give a harry. (Bird Waring. Larchmont, N.Y.) *1897:*After seven years of research, note-taking, and revisions, Bram Stoker gives up on his vampire novel. In 1942, moviegoers swoon over the romance of "Casablanca,' starring Ingrid Bergman and Bela Lugosi. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *2000:*If Al Gore had prevailed in the 2000 presidential election, Michael Moore would still have made a movie blaming the 9/11 attacks on George W. Bush. (Mark Raffman) *1740: What if George Washington had been a child in 2014 instead? He would have said, "A cherry tree has been chopped down, and I accept responsibility." (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *O: The Big Bang: God does /not/ have an orgasm; the universe is not created. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *1803: If Napoleon hadn't needed cash, there'd be great restaurants in Des Moines.(Kevin Dopart) /Still running — deadline Monday night: Our famous contest to "breed" two given racehorse names and name the "foal." See bit.ly/invite1066 . / **NEW CONTEST FOR WEEK 1067: **A(T)TRIBUTE TO YOUR WIT* *"You're gonna need a bigger bolt." — Igor *"All me are created equal." -- Dolly the sheep (David Genser, Week 251, 1998) *"And males to go before I sleep." — Jenna Jameson* (Mike Gips) We're bringing this contest back from 16 years ago, at the suggestion of 150-time Loser Mike Gips, who didn't start Inviting until a mere 11 years ago. This week:* Alter a well-known quote slightly and attribute it to someone else, as in the examples above. In Week 251, the now-deposed Czar of The Style Invitational decreed that the quote be changed by only one letter; the Empress, however, will be a bit more flexible, but she's not looking for a rewrite or expansion of the original; it should be very close. Feel free to include the (correct!) original quote and attribution along with your altered one; the E might include both if the original isn't so well known. If the quote is from a company or organization rather than a specific person, that's fine, too. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an amazing bit of promotional swag that fellow Stylista and Big Deal Radio Star Roxanne Roberts found in the discard bin in The Post's mailroom and immediately brought our way: Courtesy of the National Pest Management Association — the exterminators' lobby — it's Pest World, a set of Russian-style nesting dolls with various household critters painted on them — you got your rat, your cricket, all the way down to your ant. And they all nest inside (besides one another) a cylindrical wooden house with a roof that you lift off. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 21; results published May 11 (online May 8). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1067" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Danielle Nowlin and Kevin Dopart; Danielle also wrote the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *Next week's results: Fasten Your Doublets,*or A Show of Ands,* our Week 1065 contest (or, as we called it, 1066 minus 1) to slightly alter any phrase of the form "A and B" and define the new phrase. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1068, published April 20, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1068: An iffy proposition; plus the 'X-and-Y' winners By Pat Myers , Published: April 17 *Report from Week 1065: Pun and suffering: In Week 1065, we asked you to "slightly alter" some well-known phrase of the form "X-and-Y" and define the result. Some Losers had a novel idea of "slightly," analogous to "it is slightly uncomfortable when a bull elephant walks atop your sandaled foot": One entry "slightly" altered "bells and whistles" to "Bill and apostles"; another came up with "Juan's Am-Feral" from — but of course — "once and for all." *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Skull and void:* Louie Gohmert's X-ray. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *2nd place, winner of the Pig Jax pig-shaped jacks and the Gummi-type chicken feet: *The agony and the XYZ:* Losing at Scrabble because you can't get rid of those dang high-value consonants. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *3rd place: *Hearse and baggie: Super economy package at the funeral home. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *4th place:* *Comings and gorings: The Pamploma Tourist Guide (Stuart Rogers, Toronto, in his first inking entry, though he once suggested a contest) *Losers and whiners: honorable mentions* *Low and Behold:* A great name for a colonoscopy clinic. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Staff and nonsense: Truth in advertising for a typical management retreat. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Dilbert & Sullivan:* "I am the very model of the modern micromanager . . ." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Police and tank queue:* A less than polite visit from Russia to Crimea.(Chris Doyle) *Hugh and bye:* Experience of many a Playmate at the mansion. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Love and mirage:* The difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *Shave and a pair cut:* Vet slang for a neutering. (Jeff Rhody, Clarksville, Md. an actual vet) *Froot Loops and fancy fee: Breakfast at Tiffany's? (Beverley Sharp) *The pound and the fury:* The PETA principle. (Nan Reiner) *Quit and canoodle: Two popular options for politicians, not necessarily in that order. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) *Oops and downs:* A recap of last year's Redskins season. (Jeff Covel, Arlington, Va.) *Hiss and ride: Snakes on a train! (Mary Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) *Floss some and jet some:* Extra-effective dental hygiene. (Syd McPherson, Woodbridge, Va.) *Lard & Taylor:* The story of Liz's most enduring relationship. (Larry Gray) *Clown and out:* Result of a victory dance /before/ touching home plate. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Hot and brothered:* The cute girl in high school you date at your own risk. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Do 'em and glue 'em: Slogan of a hairstyling/toupee salon. (Ray Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) *Pen and teller: Two items that magically disappear when you are in a hurry to cash a check. (Syd McPherson) *Seize and de-cyst:* A seriously misguided method to treat sufferers of the black plague. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *C's and D's-ist:* Tutor for students who want to graduate with the absolutely minimum effort. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) *Sleaze and D-list:* Your guide to the D.C. ballot. (Nan Reiner) *[sic] and tired:* How copy editors feel on encountering yet another mistake-filled draft. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) *Pickin' Jews:* Borscht Belt Bluegrass. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.). *Cursed and foremost:* Obamacare, to Republicans. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Smurf and turf:* A real Blue Plate Special! (Monrah Hammond, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) *Frown and serve: At last, dinner rolls the way Mom made them. (Frank Osen) *Full and compete stop: What begins the mad dash to retrieve overhead bags and be first to stand in the aisle for 10 minutes while the flight crew "prepares the doors." (Bob Brown, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) *TED and buried:* A controversy is put to rest by a persuasive slide presentation. (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) *Stand and re-liver:* The lab exam in Organ Transplantation Techniques. (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) *Expand and deliver: Steps 2 and 3 in "Pregnancy for Dummies." (Doug Hamilton, College Park, Md.) *Cute and dried: Fluffy, after a visit to the taxidermist. (Beverley Sharp) *Belles and missiles: The makings of a porn movie. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Wood, and plenty:* All a man needs to have one nightstand. (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) *Five and rhyme:* The minimum requirements that disqualify half the entries to Style Invitational limerick contests. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Thanks and beans:* What you get for writing for the Empress. (Danielle Nowlin) *Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest to alter a quote and attribute it to some -one else. See bit.ly/invite1067 . *NEW CONTEST FOR WEEK 1068: AN IFFY PROPOSITION *If I were commissioner of baseball, my first act would be to require that all teams' Opening Day games had to be played at home.* *If I were Pharaoh, my first act would be to tell the royal hieroglyphics painter to stop portraying everyone in profile. For one thing, I have a very fetching smile. While 203-time Loser Christopher Lamora has a pretty big-shot job heading up the L.A. passport office for the State Department (following a globe-trotting diplomatic career), he, like all of us, sometimes yearns wistfully for just a little chance to issue an imperious edict or two. (Except for the Empress, of course, who's, hey, the Empress.) So, in a pretty wide-ranging contest: This week: Suggest some humorous action that you would take if you were in someone's position, more or less in the form "If I were ____ my first act would be ___,"* as in Christopher's examples above. The wording could vary slightly; if a slightly different form yields a funnier sentence, go for it. Be concise; don't write a long paragraph. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — also from Christopher — a little tchotchke (actually, a fairly sizable tchotchke) he found at a flea market or something: It's a round container — perhaps a toilet paper cozy? — made of coils of white tissue paper to simulate the body of some small mammal (we guess a puppy) and topped with a ball of the same paper but with eyes, nose and mouth glued on (plus coils for ears and feet and, why not, a pink hair ribbon). To add insult (because that's what we do), the "neck" of the cozy has lost some of its shape, causing the head-ball to perch precariously over the tissue paper abyss. We value this prize at $98.27. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 28; results published May 18 (online May 15). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1068" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead was submitted separately by Mike Ostapiej and Jeff Shirley; the "Report from Week 1065" subhead is by Nan Reiner. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1069, published April 27, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1069: Big thoughts, little words; plus more from recent contests By Pat Myers , Published: April 22 | Updated: Thursday, April 24, 5:00 PM *New contest for Week 1069:* *It's a small, small word* *There is a name for people Who use big words a lot * *But you won't find it in these lines — * *For on the list it's not.* It's undeniable that the Empress — along with the Invitational itself — has been known to gravitate toward the sesquipedalian. But we like things plain and simple, too. As long as they're clever and funny. Fifty-four-time Loser Ben Aronin recently showed us a cartoon from Randall Munroe's nerdily insightful Web comic "XKCD." Headlined "US Space Team's Up Goer Five," it's a blueprint-like drawing of the Saturn V rocket, surrounded with explanatory labels. But in a highly un-technical-diagram manner, every word of every label has been taken from a list of "the ten hundred words people use most often": Thus, one tank is described as containing "more breathing-type air," while another has "more funny voice air." Ben correctly smelled Invite contest, noting that the Losers had recently outpenned a roomful of monkeys while using the words from Hamlet's "To be, or not to be" speech. So this week: Write a humorous poem of no more than eight lines "" it doesn't have to rhyme "" using only the top 1,000 words*on Wiktionary.org's list of the most common among 20 million words found in movie and TV scripts. See the list at bit.ly/invite-1000words. You may use a word more than once; and you may add "-s," "-ed" or "ing" to a word. You may not combine two or more of the words into a single word. (You can check your work by just typing into the search bar on the list page and seeing where each word falls on the list, or you can use the nifty tool at splasho.com/upgoer6. *Wait, there's more!* It's obviously more of a challenge to use less of the list: The Empress will award a runner-up-level prize to the inking entry whose least common word is highest on the list;* in the example above, by Washington Post Doggerel Laureate Gene Weingarten, the lowest-ranked word is "list," at 919. If you want to be considered, include that rank number with your entry. It still has to be good and funny enough to get ink. *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an excellent little souvenir snow dome from oh-so-snowy San Francisco, donated by Recidivist Prize Donor Cheryl Davis; it contains a little cable car that slides back and forth in the snow when you tip the dome, and, not least, it is topped by a perky mermaid who is not wearing her merbra. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 5; results published May 25(online May 22). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include "Week 1069" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Ole Misc.:* The Empress went off this week to progress through her overseas dominions, so this week's column was done in advance. This week we share more honorable mentions from a few recent weeks. **Week 1062: Poems from the headlines* *Md. police chief unwittingly quotes joke article while testifying against decriminalization:* Beware this noxious Killer Weed!" the sheriff blustered, lyrical, Without a clue the article he quoted was satirical. Some quick research and he'd have known. But did he bother? Nope. So here's to you, Annapolis! You gave us one straight dope. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *Bacon app for the iPhone:* You're zonked because you stayed out late — your sleep is like a coma; Then suddenly you're waking to a fabulous aroma! And next, the sound of sizzling — all thoughts of sleep have flown; But then your stomach growls and says, "It's just your stupid phone." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Box of gold coins discovered:* Out walking dogs, some couple found A gold-filled strongbox on the ground; My dog walks, too, yield something strong, But my dog's doing it all wrong. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Thousands of people posttheir own versions of "Let It Go" : *You hear that tune from "Frozen"—it starts off nice and low. "Hey, I could sing that song!" you think. "I'll make a video! Click 'post' and I'll be famous!" At least that's what you dream, You'll surely equal Ms. Menzel (and top Adele Dazeem). But you're not first to think that you should sing that song onstage: A million screechy takes already howl from YouTube's page. Another cover of this song? The world may not survive it, So please: Rethink your dream of fame, and "Let It Go" in private. (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) *Bitcoin is seen as an ephemeral currency In the past, money's value was judged with our teeth; We bit coins to confirm they were real. But a bitcoin's just data, no gold underneath; Bitten bits don't make much of a meal. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Girls diet to create "thigh gap":* This body shape's clearly unwise, But it's skinniness many girls prize. They're the teens, it appears, Who have gaps 'tween their ears Just as wide as the gaps 'tween their thighs. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Remains of Europe's largest dinosaur discovered in Portugal:* Many million years ago, way back in times Jurassic, There lived a Torvosaurus, and his grumpiness was classic. He weighed five tons, had four-inch teeth — he wasn't like the others; A carnivore, he loved to eat his wimpy vegan brothers. They've found this dino's embryo, but who will have the nerve? The guy who tries to clone him could wind up as an hors d'oeuvre. (Beverley Sharp) **Week 1063: Compare 2 items from a list of 16 *The polar vortex and the Arizona legislature:* Both can cause suffering with their extreme dips. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *The Arizona legislature and XL jeggings:* One occupies the Valley of the Sun; the other accentuates the valley of sin. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *A Fleetwood Mac reunion and the Arizona legislature: Although both are old and white, only the Mac says it's okay to go your own way. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Adele Dazeem and a Sochi hotel:* Both evoke memories of johns that didn't do their job. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.; Jeff Covel, Arlington, Va.) *West African fufu and the Human Barbie:* The fufu can be described as doughlike yam. Human Barbie can be described as "Yo, like damn!"(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) **Week 1064: If a moment in history were different* *1 million-2 million years ago:* What if /Homo erectus/ had never flourished? High school anthropology classes would certainly be less amusing. (Jeff Contompasis) *3500 B.C.:* If the wheel had not been invented, then Pat Sajak would just be another weird guy to Vanna White. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) *551 B.C.:* What if Confucius had been born mute? There would be nothing inside your fortune cookie. (Beverley Sharp) *1513: If Ponce de Leon had found the Fountain of Youth in Florida, then most of the people who live there today would look a lot better in swimsuits. (Mark Raffman) *1585:* After a historic event, Elizabeth I is no longer the "Virgin Queen." Sir Walter Raleigh, in a fit of jealousy, calls the New World land he claimed not Virginia but Nicotinia, after his new passion. (Barnaby Roberts, Reedville, Va.) *1752:* If Benjamin Franklin had decided that flying a kite in a storm really was pretty stupid thing to do, then wedding DJs would be stuck playing the Steam-Powered Slide. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *1881:* What if the construction of the Panama Canal had never started? First, today's environmentalists would bemoan the wasted fuel from shipping around South America and insist that a shorter route be cut through pristine jungle. Second, the world would be bereft of one of its greatest palindromes. (Jeff Contompasis) **Week 1065: Change an "A-and-B" phrase and describe the result* *Down and thirty:* Having an early midlife crisis. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Pluck and cover:* Instructions from "The Book of Simple Thanksgiving Recipes." (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Get up and glow:* What you should do if you get knocked down by a nuclear bomb. (Beverley Sharp) *Lover and done with:* A one-night stand. (Beverley Sharp) *Rice and 'shine:* Must-haves at an Appalachian wedding. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *Rump and coke: Two components of rap videos. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *Bed and butter:* The only scene remembered from "Last Tango in Paris." (Jeff Covel) *Alive and, well . . . :* Some days are just like that. (Frank Osen) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our "If I were . . ." contest. See bit.ly/invite1068. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1070, published May 4, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1070: Colt following — the winning foal names, and now 'grandfoals' By Pat Myers , Published: May 1 For the ninth straight year, we trot the horses right back onto the track for a "grandfoals" contest: "Breed" any two of the foal names that got ink this week and name the offspring to reflect the parents' names,* in the style of the dozens of first-generation combinations that get ink today. Just as for the Week 1066 contest — results below — the names are limited to 18 characters including spaces and punctuation marks. Don't "breed" three horses together, and don't breed two names to come up with another name on the list. And as always, you may submit as many as 25 names. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives TWO glamorous prizes, and they're both to eat: a pack of Crick-ettes dried cricket snacks, sour cream and onion flavor ("Servings: 1; Calories: 9") AND a lollipop with an embedded cricket, discourtesy of Mike Gips. In neither delicacy has the slightest effort been made to hide its cricketude: They're complete brown bugs. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 12; results published June 1 (online May 29). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1070" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line was submitted by both Beverley Sharp and Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *PUN FOR THE ROSES: THE WINNERS OF WEEK 1066: In our 20th annual running of the Invitational's most popular recurring contest, we paraded a list of 100 of the 3-year-old racehorses nominated for this weekend's Kentucky Derby and the rest of racing's Triple Crown, and asked readers to "breed" any two names to produce a "foal" whose name cleverly reflected those of the parents — as do the names of many real racehorses. "ƒThis year's field — totaling several thousand entries from more than 300 breeders — was perhaps the cleverest the Empress has seen in the 12 of these contests she's judged. If your in­cred­ibly ingenious foal failed to get ink, it's not alone. Racing luck, you know? But you might be able to vary it slightly for this week's "grandfoal" contest. "ƒJust a few of the very good entries submitted by too many people to be credited individually: Breeding Cairo Prince x Deceived to produce Pyramid Schemer, or Egypt Me; Constitution x Oogeley Eye = We the Peephole. Dozens of people did something about Bernie "Made Off" and "Crimea River." And a few too many bred Undertaker and Guggenheim to produce the otherwise highly inkworthy More Titian. *THE WINNER OF THE INKIN' MEMORIAL *Toast of New York x General A Rod = Toast in New York* (Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) */2nd place and the 2009 souvenir Derby hat:/ * *Best Plan Yet x Cut the Net = Best Pla_ Y__ (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) *3rd place: *I Earned It Baby x Undertaker = I Urned It Baby* (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass; Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *4th place* *Russian Humor x Constitution = What Constitution?* (Roy Ashley, Washington) *PONY EXCESS: HONORABLE MENTIONS* *Toast of New York x Wry = Bagel and a Sneer (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) *Commanding Curve x All Tied Up = Bank and Trussed* (Gary Crockett) *Fire Starter x All Tied Up = Arson a Sling* (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Fascinating Rock x No Nay Never = The Nope Diamond (Jennifer Rubio, Viennam Va,) *Deceived x Cut the Net = UConned* (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Streaming x Financial Mogul = Wizzer of Wall St.* (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) *Guggenheim x Twenty Percent = Gu* (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) *Candy Boy x Life Is a Joy = Peter Paul & Merry (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) *No Nay Never x Gift Diamond = OK, Just This Once* (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) *Athens x Fire Starter = Pi Rho* (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Pam Sweeney) *Life Is a Joy x Only I Know = So Buy My Book (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) *Rise Up x Excessive Kid = Coup de Tot* (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Effinex x Coastline = That Beach* (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) *Guggenheim x Harpoon = Abstract Dart* (Kathryn Perry, Fort Worth, Tex., a First Offender) *Oogeley Eye x Commanding Curve = Alien Wife Form (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) *Brilliant Mess x Poker Player = Lindsay Lowhand* (Steve Honley, Washington) *Poker Player x Matador = Hoyle of Ole (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *Scotland x Matador = Kilty as Charged (Katherine Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md., a First Offender) *Midnight Hawk x Bobby's Kitten = Midnight Snack* (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.; Diana Oertel, San Francisco) *Misconnect x Mr Speaker = Off on a Tan Gent (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) *Mr Speaker x Twenty Percent = Tip (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.; Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Mr Speaker x Russian Humor = Cry Me a Ribber (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *Noble Moon x Streaming = Lunar E-Clips* (Steve Shapiro; Kelly Ronayne, both of Alexandria) *Our Caravan x Fire Starter = Pack of Camels* (Danny Bravman, Chicago) *Russian Humor x No Nay Never = Nothin' but Nyet* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Craig Dykstra; Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) *Athens x The Custodian = Greece Is the Ward* (Nan Reiner) *Athens x Harpoon = Olympic Spear-It (Kathryn Perry) *Crushed It x Athens = Homer (Nancy Israel, Bethesda, Md.; Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Best Plan Yet x Deceived = YouCanKeepYourPlan (Mark Raffman) *Commanding Curve x All Tied Up = Commanding Perv* (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Scotland x Harpoon = Plaid the Impaler (Roy Ashley) *Russian Humor x Uncle Sigh = Vlad the Inhaler* (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.) *Scotland x Vegas Strip = Clans Casino* (Dave Silberstein) *Skydive x Smack Smack = Splat Splat* (Tom Witte) *Vicar's in Trouble x Skydive = Parish Hooters* (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Vicar's in Trouble x Smack Smack = Heresy's Kisses (Jeff Contompasis; Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) *Sportscaster x Candy Boy = Gregg Gumball (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.; Kathye Hamilton) *Exit Stage Left x California Chrome = Parting Glints (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Noble Moon x Hoppertunity = Keister Bunny (Jeff Shirley) *Big Bazinga x Flat Gone = Age Plus Gravity (Warren Tanabe) *Big Tire x Scotland = The Wheel McCoy* (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Bourbonize x Bobby's Kitten = Louis Cat Toys* (Dudley Thompson) *Ride On Curlin x Bourbonize = Ride On Hurlin* (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) *Ring Weekend x Harpoon = Tolkien'BoutShaft (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.) *Culprit x Cairo Prince = Perp'll Reign* (Kevin Dopart) *Charge Now x Gift Diamond = Ion the Prize* (Kevin Dopart) *Commandment x Superlooper = ThouShaltKnotSteel (Dudley Thompson) *Financial Mogul x Commandment = Dow Shalt Not (Steve Price, New York) *Got Lucky x Commandment = Tryst and Shalt (Jeff Shirley) *The Custodian x Commandment = Janitorah (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) *Commanding Curve x Deceived = Pitch Set Me Up (Chris Doyle) *Pax in Terra x Crushed It = Gloria in Eggshells (Steve Honley) *Mental Iceberg x Cut the Net = Brain Frees* (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.) *Dunkin Bend x Spot = Cruller DeVil (Gina Smith, Germantown, Md.) *Exit Stage Left x Our Caravan = Gettin Outta Dodge (Lorri Mechem, Warrenton, Va.) *Exit Stage Left x Russian Humor = Snagglepussy Riot (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) *Scotland x Fascinating Rock = Loch and Lode* (Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md.; Mike Gips) *Financial Mogul x Fire Starter = Cash and Carrie* (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) *Fascinating Rock x Fire Starter = Not Billy Joel! (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) *Skydive x Russian Humor = Flatimir Putin* (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Guggenheim x Flat Gone = Blank Lloyd Wright* (Danielle Nowlin) *Pax in Terra x Gift Diamond = Peace and Carats (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest to write a poem using only the 1,000 most common words. See bit.ly/invite1069 . *Next week's results: Attribute to Your Wit, or Quotation Mocks, our contest to alter a quote slightly and attribute it to someone else. See bit.ly/invite1067. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1071, published May 11, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1071: A pair of threes — same abbreviation, different meanings By Pat Myers , Published: May 8 *BFS: Basketball Federation of Slovenia and Belfast International Airport (the IATA code): You don't want to be caught traveling in either one. *ABC: African Black Coalition and Aerial Bundled Cable*: Both aim to bring power to the people. This week's contest comes courtesy of Loser Forever Elden Carnahan, also known as the Keeper of the Loser Stats on his Web site, nrars.org. Elden alerted the Empress to a Wikipedia page containing — of course it does! — nothing but thousands of three-letter combinations. Actually, each combination on the page, covering AAA through DZZ, is a link to a list of words and abbreviations represented by those three letters. Elden's idea is this: Choose two or three entities represented by a single three-letter combination on this page — find it at bit.ly/3letterabs — and say how they are alike or different, as in Elden's own examples above. The entity could be something abbreviated by the three letters, as above, or it can be a three-letter word or name: "ADS" or "ads," say. And it doesn't have to be mentioned in the Wikipedia link, as long as it's real. But the three letters* must fall between AAA and DZZ.* Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulously icky back scratcher consisting of a genuine baby alligator foot, complete with scales and claws, impaled on a stick. Driven up from Florida in the car of Loser Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 19; results published June 8 (online June 5). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1071" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The subhead for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Mark Raffman; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line was submitted by both Brad Alexander and Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational* The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *Get thee to a punnery: The results of Week 1067's change-a-quote contest. In Week 1067, we asked you to change a well-known quote slightly and then attribute it to someone else. The Invite did this contest once before, back in 1998; while a number of fake quotemakers from Week 251 were a lot more famous then than now — Terry Nichols, Cecil Jacobson, Harry Helmsley, even Dan Quayle — others got ink both then and now: perennial Invite fodder Donald Trump, Jeffrey Dahmer, John Bobbitt and, of course, Bill Clinton. "ƒAmong the funny quotes submitted too often for individual credit: "If at first you don't succeed, pry, pry again" — Barbara Walters, the NSA, Wolf Blitzer, etc.; "You had me at Jello" — Bill Cosby; "Show me the hunny" — Winnie the Pooh. The Empress was ready to give ink to one entry when she realized that it didn't fit the contest because it didn't attribute the altered quote to someone else: kudos but no magnet to Mike Gips for "I did not hate sex with that woman" — Bill Clinton. "ƒNot getting the joke? See the online version of the Invitational at bit.ly/invite1071 for links to many of the original quotes in this week's results, and the people doing the quoting. *THE WINNER OF THE INKIN' MEMORIAL* *"If you like your wealth care plan, you'll be able to keep your wealth care plan." — The GOP (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *2nd place and Pest World, the set of Russian-style nesting dolls with household critters painted on them: *"Frankly, Madea don't give a damn." — Tyler Perry (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) *3rd place:* *"Rooghzmeeb." — John Travolta's audition for the "Citizen Kane" remake (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *4th place:* *"Take, my wife, please!" — Bob McDonnell * (Nan Reiner) *BARTLETT'S SPARES: HONORABLE MENTIONS* *"All men are cheated equal." — P.T. Barnum (Craig Dysktra, Centreville, Va.) *"I'm the kin of the world!" — Adam (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) *"I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can do that." — Stephen Colbert *(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *"Thou shalt not admit adultery." — Bill Clinton* (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) *"Let meth entertain you." — Vince Gilligan (Nan Reiner) *"Eat two, Brute!" — Brutus's mother (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *"Don't taste me, bro!" — former friend of Jeffrey Dahmer* (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) *"The rug really tied the groom together" — Joan Rivers commenting on Elton John's wedding toupee* (Steven Steele Cawman, Poughquag, N.Y.; Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *"I have no god in this fight" — the family dog (Susan Collins, Charlottesville, Va.) *"I'll be Bach." — Peter Schickele (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *"First, do no ham." — Moses (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *"The best things in life are me." — Kanye West/Donald Trump* (Danielle Nowlin; Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) **"Omission accomplished!" — Rose Mary Woods * (Bruce Carlson) **"There are no second acts in American livers." — O'Neill, Faulkner, Hemingway et al. (Lawrence McGuire) *"Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this ton of pork." — the U.S. Congress* (Miriam Nadel, Vienna, Va.) *"L'état, c'est Ma's." — Prince Charles* (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *"A thing of beauty is a job forever." — Cher (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *"It's like making candy from a baby." —Jonathan Swift (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *"Uneasy lies the head that wears a crow." —Johnny Depp (Chris Doyle) *"Mission accompliced!" — Dick Cheney* (Frank Osen) *"Here's licking at you, kid." — Miley Cyrus *(Jim Stiles) *"I feel the need — the need for seed!" — "Octomom" Nadya Suleman (Sandra Hull, Arlington, Va.) *"There's no business like ho business" — Heidi Fleiss (Seth Tucker, Washington) *"And we've lived Harper Lee ever after." — J.P. Lippincott and Co., publisher of "To Kill a Mockingbird"* [at least until Lippincott was bought out in 1978] (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *"Killjoy was here." — Women's Christian Temperance Union (Mae Scanlan) *"After all, tomorrow is another dad." — Elizabeth Taylor's offspring* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *"We strut and fret our hora upon the stage." — the cast of "Fiddler on the Roof"* (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) *"And what is so rare as a day in tune?" — Joe Cocker* (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *"Four scores were seven years ago . . . " — the Redskins/Capitals/D.C. United (Tom Panther, Springfield, Va.; Nan Reiner; Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va., respectively) *"Fourscore and seven gears ago . . . " — Rube Goldberg (Emily Auerswald, Annapolis, a First Offender) *"Mrs. Bobbitt, you're trying to reduce me." — Mr. Bobbitt (Eric Bennett, Stephens City, Va. *"We're going through a period of conspicuous uncoupling." — Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin* (Frank Osen) *"All my children, except one, grow up." — George H.W. Bush* (George Randels, Port Townsend, Wash., a First Offender) *"Blonde. Lame blonde." — the Human Barbie *(Konrad Schwoerke, Durham, N.C.) *"There's a stocker born every minute." — Sam Walton (Doug Frank) *"One good fern deserves another." — Zach Galifianakis * (Dave Silberstein, College Park) *"That which does not kill us makes us stranger." — Gary Busey * (David Clayton, Alexandria, a First Offender) *"Long time no she." — Chaz Bono (Chris Doyle) *"Plus ça change, plus c'est les mêmes shows." — Washington Post TV critic Hank Stuever* (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) *"You are my part's desire." — Bill Clinton to various ladies (Nan Reiner) *"Well, here's another fine miss you've got me into." — Casanova (John O'Byrne; Kelly Ronayne, Alexandria, Va.) /And Last:/ "You're gonna need a better quote." — The Empress* (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our "grandfoals" contest: See bit.ly/invite1070. *Next week's results: An Iffy Proposition, or Jest Suppose, our contest in which you get to state what your first act would be if you were a particular powerful person. See bit.ly/invite1068. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1072, published May 18, 2014 Week 1072: The Tile Invitational — our second ScrabbleGrams contest By Pat Myers , Published: May 15 *OEESTXT "†' TEXTOSE: Sweet tweets are made of this. *OEESTXT "†' EXTOTS: Little girls with lipstick and platform shoes. *OEESTXT "†' TEETSOX: Brand name for an especially comfortable sports bra. Last year just around this time, the Empress took the suggestion of Echt Loser Jeff Contompasis and ran a contest based on Jeff's passion for ScrabbleGrams, a word game that appears daily in The Post's comics pages. Week 1021 was such a success that we ran the results for two weeks straight. And so: *This week: Come up with a five,- six- or seven-letter term by scrambling any of the seven-letter ScrabbleGram sets at the bottom of this page, and define it, as in the examples above. (The letter sets are taken from "The Big Book of ScrabbleGrams" as well as some old Post puzzles.) The word may be a brand-new term, as in the examples, but you may also find an existing word and supply a clever definition for it. Note that we are NOT playing for Scrabble points, as in the real game; the letters won't have point values. As usual, don't send more than 25 entries this week. And we mean it: If you don't include the letter set with your entry, in the letter order we supply here, we won't look at it. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Style Invitational Two-Volume Set of Literature: "The Origin of Feces" and "What's Your Poo Telling You?," two li'l books donated by Jeff Contompasis and Tom Witte, respectively(but not respectfully). *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, May 27 (Heaven forbid we interrupt your Memorial Day); results published June 15 (online June 12). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1072" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kathy El-Assal; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Seth Brown. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *Report from Week 1068: Yeah, you wish In Week 1068, we asked you to ponder what your first act would be if you found yourself in someone else's position. *The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *If I were the owner of a sports team with a racially offensive name,* my first act would be to secretly tape another team's owner saying something even more racially offensive. (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.) *2nd place and the dog-shapedtoilet paper cozy: * *If I were in charge of the World Cup,* my first act would be to let the players use their hands as long as they wear shoes on them. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *3rd place:* *If I were Noah,* the very first thing I would do is surreptitiously swat just one of the mosquitoes. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *4th place:* *If I were chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,* I'd make every day Casual Friday because nobody ever went to war in a polo shirt. (Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.) *Wishful inking: honorable mentions* *If I were made of money, my first act would be to allow my daughter to buy everything she wanted (I have informed her of this repeatedly). (Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) *If I were hauntingly gorgeous, my first act would be to tell my wife. (Larry Neal, McLean, Va.) *If I were a model for Michelangelo,* my first act would be to request a warmer room. (Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) *If I were appointed Deputy Assistant Associate Undersecretary for Interagency Accountability and Coordination,* my first act would be to covet the job of the Assistant Associate Undersecretary for Interagency Accountability and Coordination. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *As Chancellor of Traffic, I would have a fleet of special helicopters circling overhead. Whenever a pilot spotted someone in a turn lane who didn't start moving once the arrow turned green, a helicopter with a big magnet would swoop down, stick to the roof of the car, then fly it to the back of the line. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) *If I were Lord of the Flies,* the first thing I'd do is ban eating poo. I mean, seriously, it's poo. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *If I were the head of NASA,* my first act would be to make mission names less Eurocentric and more culturally diverse. Sending a probe to the planet nearest us could be, say, project Tlahuizcalpantecuhtli. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) *If I were named U.S. poet laureate, my first act would be to reclassify limericks from light verse to welter verse. (Konrad Schwoerke, Durham, N.C.) *If I were secretary of the interior, my first act to preserve America's wildlife would be to make spotted-owl pickles. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *If I were the King of the World,* I wouldn't travel from England to America in third class on a boat. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) *If I owned the L.A. Clippers, I'd hop in my time machine and go back 200 years. I'm homesick. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) *If I had been Pheidippides, I would've signed up for the 5K. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *If I were governor of Georgia,* my first act would be to declare that congregants' guns must remain holstered for the entire sermon. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *If I were William Shakespeare,* my first act would be Act I. I would probably also start with Scene 1, but just to appease the traditionalists. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *If I were President Chris Christie in 2016,* my first act would be to tackle our nation's obesity epidemic by mandating that all fast-food restaurants post pictures of me in a Speedo. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) *If I were President Ted Cruz, my first act would be to give back the millions of guns President Obama has been seizing from law-abiding citizens. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *If I were President Rick Perry,* my first act would be to find out the name of the government agency that I wanted to abolish and then, by golly, I'd abolish it! (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *If I were the postman,* I would occasionally ring only once. (Gary Crockett) *If I were elected pope,* my first act would be to check what was in that smoke. (The cardinals are in college, right?) (Larry Neal) /And Last:/ If I were a therapist starting up my practice, my first act would be to start scrutinizing The Style Invitational. It even supplies names and partial addresses! (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) /And Even Laster:/ If I were the Empress,* I'd give LOTS of ink to the person I was having a tawdry, illicit but oh-so-satisfying affair with, since everyone would expect me to do the opposite so that no one would suspect any connection between us. (Tom Witte, 1,289-time Loser, Montgomery Village, Md.) [And I am the Empress of Roumania.] *Really, it's not that dubious an honor! Congratulations to Danielle Nowlin — rhymes with "growlin'" — who was named Loser of the Year by her fellow contestants Saturday at the Flushies, the Losers' own 19th annual award luncheon. The 32-year-old former school band teacher from Woodbridge, Va., and mother of two preschoolers blotted up 87 spatters of ink in Year 21, just a year after her debut. See this week's Style Conversational column for a sampling of Danielle's cleverest entries. /Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest to compare/contrast two entities that have the same abbreviation. See bit.ly/invite1071 . / *Give us a word: The ScrabbleGram sets* AAEOUSN AAURGJN AEGHTCD AEUHBP AINDLTN AOAOLHM AOAYMND AUEALGB EAYLTGL EEANPHX EEIAMFD EEVTPXR EOAOGTS EOLHRMC EOUUGSM EUEWRLF EUIMRSQ IAITGMB IATWRHM IENMVRN IIUOMDP IODNDSR IORWNWN IUAASRF IUTDLPP IYBLPSM IYTMSFL OABTCRV OAHMRFT OANDGRN OAOERDF OAYRWLR OEADNHX OEESTXT OIENZRC OIMDGSZ ORHNLGT UAUTMPS UEURMRM UIIKMWP *Next week's results: It's a Small, Small Word, or Lessquipedalian, a contest to write a poem using only words found in a list of the 1,000 most commonly used. See bit.ly/invite1069. © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1073, published May 25, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1073: Mess With (Y)our Heads; plus poems made of little words By Pat Myers , Published: May 22 *Northwestern softball shows progress* (Gazette-Star, May 15) /Slow but determined spheroid heads southeast toward plate in Ultra Slo Pitch / *A watershed moment for the GOP? (Washington Post, May 19) /Called bad names by Tea Party, Boehner bites lip, starts making little sobs / *New York gets leg up in Game 1 (Washington Post, May 18) /N.Y. Pets score game-winning piddle in Puppy Bowl playoff/ Because the Empress can never get enough of these: It's another installment of our bank headline contest, and once again we'll let you use anyone's heads, not just our own. This week: Quote a headline appearing in The Washington Post, washingtonpost.com or another publication, print or online, dated May 22 to June 1, and supply a "bank" headline that either misinterprets it, as in the examples above, or comments wryly on it. For online headlines, include a link to the Web address where you saw it (if it's a home page that changes all the time, I'll have to take your word for it). For a head in the print Post, include the date and page number. For print heads in other publications, you're on the honor system, but a photo or scan of the headline would help; if it seems hard to believe, I'd be reluctant to use it. You may omit the beginning or end of the head if that doesn't change its point substantially. What counts as a headline: (a) the main heading above the text of an article or ad; (b) the bank head under a headline; (c) a "jump" head on the second page of an article; (d) a subhead within an article; (e) a headline-style link from a home page to an article. If it's a full sentence ending with a period, it's not a headline. Don't capitalize a word that's lowercase in the headline to turn it into a name. See the Style Conversational for more guidance. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulous item brought back from England last month by the Empress herself: It's an ice cream scoop whose handle is the regally dressed, white-gloved corpus of the Queen of England, with the convex scoop part taking the place of her head. It is of course called the Ice Queen Scoop. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 2; results published June 22 (online June 19). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1073" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *It's a small, small word: Results of Week 1069's poetry of the prosaic* Week 1069 was inspired by a cartoon from the comic XKCD that described the Saturn V rocket using only a list of very common words (it was titled "Up Goer Five" ). Similarly, we asked you to write a poem whose words were entirely taken from a list, compiled in 2006, of the 1,000 words found most frequently in a large collection of TV and movie scripts. (The Empress benevolently let you add -s, -es, -ed and -ing.) "ƒ We see now that the listmaker must have had been mining "Friends," "Dawson's Creek," "Frasier" and "All My Children," since the list included, among other names, "Phoebe," "Dawson," "Frasier" and "Greenlee." *In our bonus contest,* the inking entry whose least common word is highest up on the list — i.e., the whole poem came from the most common words — is, unsurprisingly, the shortest: Ward Kay's shorter-than-a-haiku (but so wise) epigram. Its least common word, "fight," was No. 535. Ward wins a mug or bag. *THE WINNER OF THE INKIN' MEMORIAL Same sex marriage? Why the fight? It's good for both the left and right. The left: "This cause the law protects." The right: "More weddings mean less sex." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Second place and the souvenir snow dome from San Francisco featuring a cable car and a topless mermaid:* A nice young woman we all know shared happy news not long ago: She's not alone; there is another: In the fall she'll be a mother! Soon the talk was moving from the almost-mother to /her/ mom. "Has this news a message sent that she should not be president?" "Will she now stay home and sit and play with baby?" Is that it? No one realized all along that something here is very wrong? Would this stupid talk be had about an almost-mother's /dad?/(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *Third place:* I think that I shall never see A word picture as good-looking as a very big stick that is alive would be. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Fourth place: Just Saying . . . Your daughter's going on a date You tell her not to come home late, To watch her step and /never/ drink — (That stupid stuff won't let you think!) And one more thing she better know: That boys are /always/ hot to go! Your job is done! (Be glad your kid Has no idea of what /you/ did . . .) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Simple whiffs: honorable mentions* Young people love the president, But he won't love them back: He makes them buy "care" they don't need They spend and don't get jack. Oh wait, I think I understand Why young people aren't mad: They moved back home and gave the bill To dear old Mom and Dad. (Mark Raffman) Eve, I love you! You're so sweet! You've brought me something new to eat! (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) What's black and white and red all over? Children used to ask. But soon the answer will become: Not a damn thing. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) When in a fight And you know you are right Say good night. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Call Waiting? The movie has started; I came here alone. The guy sitting next to me takes out his phone! His very next words he'll be sorry he said, 'Cause that's when I'm dropping my drink on his head. (Beverley Sharp) This guy met a girl in a bar And he tried out an old pick up line. I loved it when she answered, "STOP" 'Cause his question was "Hey, what's your sign?" (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) /"Hamlet" as a limerick: /I'm down now that Father is dead And his brother takes Mother to bed. My girl just got mad When I did in her dad. No wonder I'm out of my head! (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) I have a big girlfriend, about six-feet-five, And so hot that she makes me feel glad I'm alive. I got up on a box to make love face-to-face "" And that was the night that I first fell from Grace. (Craig Dykstra) My love is like a red, red rose, I think that's how the saying goes. It's true, except I would have said Most roses move more in a bed. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Four times twenty and seven years ago, The country dads that came before, in case you did not know, Brought to this part of the earth, a cool new bitching place, From an idea that dudes are all the same under God Herself's good grace. There is now a crazy war with blood, to test if it can last. We make this dead body place for those who fell and passed. But, now, it's kinda up to us to follow through on our end, So this cool new bitching country doesn't go away, my friend. (Kelly Ronayne, Alexandria, Va.) I love the way you make me feel As if my whole world is only about you. Your face, your hair, your body; They all turn me on so much. I cannot get enough of your love. Oh dear, I see our time is up. Just leave the money on the table, sweetie. (Craig Dykstra) About This List Most people who checked out that word list today Have probably not even wondered Why "hate," "kill" and "murder" are showing the way, While "Jesus" is in the last hundred. There's far too much angry talk going around, What happened to "yes, sir" and "thank you"? We all need to hear how some kind words would sound, So that . . . DAMN IT, SHUT UP OVER THERE! I'M STILL TALKING! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) /And Last: / Maybe she who sits on high Will like these lines; I can but try. Will what I write be good enough To get some nice black writing stuff? The president with moving head? Maybe not, but still, instead, I'll be (for better or for worse) an Admitted normal no win person. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) /And Really Last:/ The idea for this week was to write something fun From a list of a thousand small words, which you've done. Now I've read what you sent me and, take it from me, You'd do well not to give up your day job. "" The E. (Chris Doyle) *Still running — deadline Monday: Our contest to make new words from ScrabbleGrams letters sets. See bit.ly/invite1072 . Next week's results: Colt Following, or Refoal Madness, our annual spinoff contest in which you "breed" the winning horse names of a few weeks ago to produce "grandfoals." Seebit.ly/invite1070 . © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1074, published June 1, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1074: Parody hopping: Describe one show with a tune from another By Pat Myers , Published: May 29 /"Sweeney Todd," set to "I Dreamed a Dream" from "Les Misérables"/ *I screamed a scream with blade raised high, The razor slashed, his cries arrested. His body soon became a pie, And shortly after was digested . . . Some of the best work in the Invitational's dozen or so song parody contests over the years has been songs set to show tunes. This time, thanks to the suggestion of Matt Monitto — already a renowned Invite parodist even though he just graduated from college — we're making it a double of sorts: Describe a stage or movie musical in a parody of a song from a different musical,* as in Matt's own example above. By "musical," the Empress will accept any play or movie, including animated ones, in which the characters do a significant amount of singing. The inking songs published in the print paper are likely to be set to familiar tunes, but online I can provide YouTube links to the melodies. As always, longer songs need to be worth the greater space they take up. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a collector's item that will never become a debt collector's item: It's a mint-condition Style Invitational Loser T-shirt given to runners-up of Year 2 (1994-95), donated by Hall of Fame Loser Elden Carnahan as he begins to divest a heap of his vintage Loser prize stash into our eager little hands. It's the first of dozens of Loser prizes designed for us by Bob Staake, with his taste-challenged cartoon on the front; Cindi Rae Caron's slogan on the back — "New and Imporved T-Shirt" — was the winner of the Week 74 slogan contest. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 9; results published June 29 (online June 26). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1074" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . **REPORT FROM WEEK 1070, OUR GRANDFOALS CONTEST: Four weeks ago, on Kentucky Derby weekend, we presented the winners of our annual contest in which we give a list of Triple Crown-nominated horses and ask you to "breed" any two and name their "foal" to reflect both parents' names. Then then we asked you to breed /them / to make "grandfoals." In its ninth running, the "Colt Following" contest isn't losing any speed. *THE WINNER OF THE INKIN' MEMORIAL: &*^$ Mammogram x Clans Casino = Squish and Chips (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) *2nd place and the snacks made with real crickets : I Urned It Baby x Age Plus Gravity = My Ash Is Draggin' (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) *3rd place:* Bagel and a Sneer x Heresy's Kisses = Judas's Carryout (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) *4th place* GloriaInEggshells x Pack of Camels = Ova the Hump (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *Imperfecta: honorable mentions* Bagel and a Sneer x Cash and Carrie = Noshville (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) Vlad the Inhaler x Coup de Tot = Yessir, AsthmaBaby (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Ion the Prize x Midnight Snack = High-Proton Diet (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Midnight Snack x Lunar E-Clips = Chips in the Night (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) Keister Bunny x Tip = Them Ain't Raisins (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Hoyle of Ole x Tip = Mohel of Ole (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Tolkien'BoutShaft x Tip = John Wayne Hobbit (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) What Constitution? x Keister Bunny = We the Peeps (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) YouCanKeepYourPlan x Pi Rho = Backfire (Becky Fisher, Madison, Wis.) Bagel and a Sneer x Toast in New York = Synonymous (Kathryn Q. Perry, Fort Worth, Tex.) Bagel and a Sneer x Midnight Snack = Go to Bed, Mom (Philip Justus, Potomac, Md.) Commanding Perv x Bank and Trussed = Stalks and Bonds (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Best Pla_Y- x Thou Shall Knot Steel = Thornton Welder (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Clans Casino x &*^$ Mammogram = Squeezers Palace (Chris Doyle) Coup de Tot x Loch and Load = Coup Coup's Ness (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Dow Shalt Not x Wizzer of Wall St. = Not NYSE (Barbara Turner) Olympic Spear-it x Gloria in Eggshells = ShakeSpearsOmelet (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Ride on Hurlin x Homer = Barf Simpson (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Homer x WizzerOfWallStreet = D'oh With the Flow (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Alien Wife Form x Homer = Odd to See (David Letizia, Alexandria, Va.) Pitch Set Me Up x Homer = The Silly Ad (Marilyn Pifer, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) Homer x The Nope Diamond = B*arry B*onds (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Janitorah x Gettin Outta Dodge = Mount Cyanide (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) Cruller deVil x Cry Me a Ribber = Beignet &TheJests (Dudley Thompson) Tip x I Urned It Baby = Top O'TheMourning (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Janitorah x Pitch Set Me Up = In the Big Inning (Harvey Smith) Commanding Perv x Keister Bunny = Floggy Bottom (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Homer x Kilty as Charged = Odyssey a Lawyer (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Homer x YouCanKeepYourPlan = The Idiossey (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Loch and Lode x Not Billy Joel! = JustTheWayYouArm (Laurie Brink) Pack of Camels x Keister Bunny = Baby Got Bactrian (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Abstract Dart x Parish Hooters = Dali Parton (Jeff Shirley) Greece is the Ward x Peace and Carats = VisualizeWorldBank (Nancy Schwalb) Bagel and a Sneer x Peter Paul & Merry = LeavenOnAJetPlane (Rob Wolf) Peter Paul & Merry x Tryst and Shalt = Flower's Gone (Harold Mantle) Pitch Set Me Up x The Nope Diamond = NotTheMarionKind (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) The Wheel McCoy x Toast in New York = He's Bread, Jim (Danielle Nowlin) Toast in New York x Tip = 20-Dollar Breakfast (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) Blank Lloyd Wright x YouCanKeepYourPlan = Failingwater (Harvey Smith) Loch and Lode x Tolkien'BoutShaft = Who Shot J.R.R.? (Kathryn Perry) Keister Bunny x Wizzer of Wall St.=Tuchus for a Ride (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) I Urned It Baby x Perp'll Reign = Dust for Prince (Pam Sweeney) Midnight Snack x Gu = Ate Half the Ragu (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Next week's results: A Pair of Threes, or Similarithrees,* our contest to explain how a two entities with the same three-letter abbreviations are alike are different. See bit.ly/invite1071 . *Still running — deadline Monday night — Our perennial "bank heads" contest. See bit.ly/invite1073 . © The Washington Post Company ====================================================================== WEEK 1075, published June 8, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1075: Falsity is Job One — write some fake auto trivia (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) Pat Myers June 5 at 2:56 PM *In Florida, the use of directional signals is mandatory even when not turning.* *On cars purchased in Massachusetts, however, turn signals are optional equipment. Nevah use 'em — why pay for 'em?* It's high time that The Style Invitational furthered its mission to unenlighten the reading public with a contest seeking totally bogus trivia. This week, on the suggestion of 377-time Loser Jeff Contompasis (rhymes with "quantum gases"): Send us some fictoids about cars and trucks and driving and stuff, like the examples above, which Jeff wrote for our Week 998 contest for fictitious laws. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives "Heads of State," by Carl Sferazza Anthony (back when he was a Washington Post researcher, his latter two names were transposed). This nifty book depicts such fabulous artifacts as a screaming-green Richard Nixon Head candle, a Herbert Hoover Head lemonade pitcher (the head is lopped off at the top for easy access); and a George W. Bush Head jack-in-the-box, from which W pops out complete with lectern. We'd love to offer a few of these heads ourselves, but our second-prize budget is zero. So we thank Loser Pie Snelson for donating the book, at least. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 16; results published July 6 (online July 3). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1075" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis; the alternative headline in the "Next week's results" line is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / You can get a Nixon candle on eBay, but this week's second-prize winner gets a picture of one (but so much more!). ( / Bloomsbury Books, 2004) *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *REPORT FROM WEEK 1071: THREE ON A MATCH: In Week 1071, the Empress sent people to a Web site containing a huge list of three-letter abbreviations, from AAA to DZZ. Each of them links to a list of things that those three letters stand for. The contest was to choose any two or three of those things and compare or contrast them. THE WINNER OF THE INKIN' MEMORIAL *ACE: Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals and American Coaster Enthusiasts: Both have folks willing to wait in long lines just so they can raise their hands and shout, "Jesus!" (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) 2nd place and the genune alligator-foot back scratcher: *CWB: Canadian Western Bank* and counterproductive work behavior:* "Well, you seem eminently qualified; this letter says that at your last financial job you were devoted to CWB." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place *AGA: American Gas Association, American Gastroenterological Association* and American Go Association: Maybe those three groups /don't/ really overlap. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) 4th place *DRI: U.S. District Court for the District of Rhode Island* and the band *Dirty Rotten Imbeciles.* People seldom refer to a band member as "Judge." (Frank Osen) TRI AGAIN: HONORABLE MENTIONS *AAA: Antiaircraft artillery; Morse code for aerial attacker;*and *American Accordionists' Association:* They all produce anguished screaming. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) *AAI: Airports Authority of India* and Atheist Alliance International:* You need to put your faith in the first; you can't in the second. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) *ABA: Australian Breastfeeding Association* and American Basketball Association:* Neither seems to have a problem with dribbling, tantrums, and people who suck. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Rob Huffman) *ABC* stands for both the TV network* and the liquor license agency:* How do /you/ explain "Cop Rock"? (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *ACA: Affordable Care Act*and Atheist Community of Austin:* Both are pretty much guaranteed to send a Texas Republican into apoplexy. (Roger Dalrymple) *AFT: American Folklore Theatre*and Americans for Fair Taxation:* Both are for people who like to talk about fairy tales. (Rob Huffman) *AJA: American Journal of Archaeology*and the American Jewish Archives:* One could help in finding ancient coins, while the other could help in finding ancient Cohens (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *ASA: Acoustical Society of America*and American Seniors Association:* I SAID THEY'RE BOTH ABOUT HEARING THINGS. (Rob Huffman) *ATL:*The anti-regulation lobby Americans for Technology Leadership *and the Atlanta Braves: Both are doing an excellent job of stymieing Washington. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *AZA: Aleph Zadik Aleph,* a Jewish high school fraternity, and the *Association of Zoos and Aquariums:* Both make teenage girls shriek, "Ew, gross!" (Edward Gordon, Austin, a former AZA member) *BCS: Bachelor of Computer Science and Bowl Championship Series: The first helps people make money by using logic; the second helps people make money by rejecting it. (Kelly Ronayne, Alexandria, Va.) *BFD: Binary File Descriptor Library* and bidirectional forwarding detection: Two phrases the president hurriedly interjects whenever Joe Biden starts to say, "You know, this is really a . . ." (Frank Osen) *BRS: Brown recluse spider* and Boston Red Sox:* Having either in the cellar would make my life miserable. (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii) *BSE: Bovine spongiform encephalopathy* is associated with crazed herds; *Bachelor of Science in Engineering* is associated with crazed nerds. (Jeff Contompasis, and yes, he's an engineer) *CAA:*You can find Choral Association Australia* Down Under; the *Canadian Avalanche Association* can find /you/ down under. (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) *CAT: Clear Air Turbulence and Coital Alignment Technique:* Both are covered in "The Mile High Club Guidebook." (Chris Doyle) *CCC: Civilian Conservation Corps* and Union of Soviet Socialist Republics* (Russian abbreviation): Of these two ways to try to build a strong nation, the second failed because it had to stop for a P. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) *CCC: The Cetacean Conservation Center* encourages the release of sperm whales, while the porn company Color Climax Corp.* encourages the release of . . . tension. (Niels Hoven, San Francisco) *CCR: California Code of Regulations* and Creedence Clearwater Revival: *One required the other to notify concertgoers of the location of the nearest bathroom. (Chris Doyle) *CDA: Canadian Dinghy Association* promotes recreational use of your dinghy; the Communications Decency Act,* not so much. (Jim Lubell, Portland, Ore.) *CIT:*The Cork Institute of Technology* sounds like the perfect place to train colonic irrigation technicians. (Chris Doyle) *CLA: The Canadian Library Association*is well read, while the *Communist League of America* is, well, red. (Niels Hoven) *CPU: Central Processing Unit* and Communist Party of Ukraine: One carries out instructions from Input, the other from Putin. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *CSM: Client/service manager* and continuous shuffling machine: "Smithers, after five years at this firm, I guarantee you'll be a complete CSM." (Frank Osen) *CVS: Cardiovascular system*and cyclic vomiting syndrome: You don't mind standing in line at CVS with somebody picking up a prescription for the cardiovascular system. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *DAR: Designated Airworthiness Representative*and Daughters of the American Revolution: The second is concerned with heir-worthiness (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *DOA: Department of Agriculture* and dead on arrival:* The former may involve farming, while the latter may involve planting. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *DSI: Deep Space Industries* and Docking Score Index* would both be good names for sci-fi porn flicks. (Steve Honley, Washington) *DVM: Digital woltmeter*and Doctor of Veterinary Medicine: Take my word for it — just let the second of these probe your dog's rear end. (Frank Osen) *DWI: Driving While Impaired* and Deathwish Inc.:* One has more words. (Chris Doyle) *Next week's results: The Tile Invitational, or Between a Rack and a Hard Place,* our contest in which we supplied a list of ScrabbleGrams letter sets and asked you to coin new words from them. See bit.ly/invite1072 . *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our parody contest to describe one musical with a song set to the tune of another. See bit.ly/invite1074. ====================================================================== WEEK 1076, published June 15, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1076: Double dactyls and ScrabbleGrams neologisms(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) Pat Myers June 12 Higgledy piggledy, House Speaker "Boehner": it Reads a bit sexy, but Spoke, it's benign. Which is appropriate, Etymologically. There is no stiffness: He Hasn't the spine. /(The Czar)/ Rickety rackety, "Rosie the Riveter" Turned in her apron to Work with the guys; Found that she liked her new Employability — That's why you have to eat Frozen pot pies. /(Beverley Sharp, Week 901 obit poem)/ Yet another in our series of Weird Snow Domes that we're using as second prizes: A "Manneken Pis" fro Brussels, with a rather unusual fountain. (Pat Myers) The Empress has been in a higgledy-piggledy mood since crashing the West Chester Poetry Conference in the Philadelphia area last weekend. After I gave a talk about song parodies, Genuine Poet Kevin Durkin — who's also managing editor of the poetry journal Light — asked if the Invite ever did double-dactyl contests, because really, we should. The Empress's predecessor, the Czar, did do a DD contest — in 1994. So I guess it's time to give it another go. *The double dactyl* is a form invented by writers Anthony Hecht and Paul Pascal on a whim over lunch in Rome in 1951. While this week we're not following every one of the pair's many rules — we won't insist, for instance, that the six-syllable word cannot have been used in a previous double dactyl — we're still not letting you off easy. I've asked the Czar himself to put forth the rules for this week's contest, using his own poem above as an example: "—A double-dactyl poem consists of two mini-stanzas, each with four short lines.* "—The first, second and third lines of each stanza each contain six syllables in double-dactyl meter: DUM-dee-dee DUM-dee-dee.* The fourth line is just four syllables:*DUM-dee-dee-DUM. "—The two DUM-dee-dee-DUM fourth lines have to rhyme with each other. "—The first line must be a rhyming *nonsense phrase.* "—The poem must be about a specific person* and must include at least some part of his name. (It's usually in the second line, but we won't insist.) "—Finally, one line must be a six-syllable word* or hyphenated term. And of course, it's also in the DUM-dee-dee, DUM-dee-dee double-dactyl meter, like "etymologically" in the poem above. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a souvenir snow dome from Brussels , featuring a little "Manneken Pis" statue that seems to be producing a fountain of . . . I guess it's snow. Donated by Continual Snow Globe Donor Cheryl Davis. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 23; results published July 13 (online July 10). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1076" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . REPORT FROM WEEK 1072: THE TILE INVITATIONAL: Week 1072 was our second contest in which we listed several dozen seven-letter sets from ScrabbleGrams, a word-unscrambling game that appears daily in The Post, and asked you to create new five-, six- or seven-letter terms from any set of letters and define them. (We also welcomed clever definitions of existing words.) There were 42 separate definitions for "vexpert," while numerous people defined "smirque" as what the French do when they hear your accent. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial AAURGJN "†' Uganja: Country ruled by the surprisingly mellow dictator Weedy Amin. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 2nd place and the two books about poo: IYBLPSM "†'*Blimpsy: Talented graffiti artist whose career was cut short by difficulty running from the authorities. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) 3rd place AUEALGB "†'*Gabuela:* A granny who can't keep her /boca/ shut. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 4th place OIMDGSZ "†'*OMGDS:* Socrates' final text. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) RACKS OF LAME: HONORABLE MENTIONS (First Offenders are marked with an asterisk) /AEGHTCD /"†'*Dechat:* Shut up. (Joy Sibley, Fairfax, Va.) *HATEDC:* Four hundred members of Congress applied for this D.C. license plate. (Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) /AEUHBP/"†'*Pheau:* Knockoff perfume. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)* * /AINDLTN/ *Nitland:* Elementary school. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.; Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)* Nitland:* Laos. (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii) *Nat lid:* A hat with a curly W. (Bill Rippey, Montgomery Village, Md.) /AOAOLHM / Aloham:* Meaning "hello, bringer of bacon" /and/ "goodbye, you pig." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Maolah:* The bribe to the Beijing party commissioner. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) /AOAYMND "†'/ Moanday:* Three days after thanking God for Friday a little too much. (Edward Gordon, Austin) /AUEALGB / *AA-bulge:* The result of eating every time you feel the urge for a drink. (*David Adlerstein, Apalachicola, Fla.) *AA-bulge:* The result of choosing too small a bra size. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague)* Galbeau:* Transgender heartthrob (David Ballard) Glube:* What you get if you mix Elmer's with K-Y Jelly. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Begaul:* Try to impress with French expressions. "That pompous jerk kept begauling me with /'ma cherie.'/ (Chris Doyle) /EAYLTGL / "†' Gaytell:* The easiest way to get your own TV show when you're a seventh-round draft pick. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) /EEANPHX/ *Ape-ex:* The epitome of bad former boyfriends. (Danielle Nowlin) Pheanex:* In your University of Phoenix application essay, close enough. (Gary Crockett) // /EEVTPXR/ *Vexpert:* One who knows which buttons to push. (Mike Gips) *Vexpert:* The quicker ticker-offer. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)* Texperv:* A Redskins fan in Dallas. (John Shea, Philadelphia) Ex-perv: A dead man (Alex Jeffrey, Columbia, Md.) /EUEWRLF "†'/ Fewrule: The needs of the ultra-rich outweigh the needs of ... who are you again? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) /EUIMRSQ/ *Rimsqué:* Teetering on the edge of lewdness. "The '2 Girls Go Shopping for 1 Cup' video was only rimsqué." (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) E-squirm:* What you do after confusing "reply" with "reply all." (*Luci Weigel, Vienna, Va.) /IATWRHM / *Hitmwa: The kiss of death. (Tom Witte) *Hamwit: Elmer Fudd does Shakespeare! (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Whamit: Do-it-yourself TV repair instructions. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) /IENMVRN/ } Nvermin:* Mr. Boehner's nickname for Ms. Pelosi. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) /I/ /IODNDSR/ *Oddrsin:* A bizarre fetish, e.g, the compulsion to French-kiss the finger holes in bowling balls. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) Snordid: Sleazy yet dull. "That reality show 'Brothel Accountants' sure is snordid." (Larry Gray) // /I/ /IYBLPSM / Smilby:* A photo-bomb. (*Jamie Martindale, McLean) * PMSibyl:* The personality you /really/ don't want to see come out. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) /IYTMSFL/ *Timsfly:* According to the NCAA "Tebow Rule," messages aren't allowed there either. (*Thom Link, Washington) *Flymist: What's left between a rolled-up Post and the window. (*Ken Linder, Arlington) /OAHMRFT / Hamfort: The Third Little Pig's abode. (Ginny Cooper, Columbia, Md.) *Homfart: Where no one can hear you steam. (Bob Brown, Alexandria, Va.) /OANDGRN / Drag-onn: The fourth volume of a fantasy "epic" (Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario) *NRA-dong:* The pistol in your pocket. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) /OAOERDF "†'/ Frodeo: Dragon-wranglin' and Orc-ropin' down the shire (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) /ORHNLGT "†'/ Longth: The correspondering measure to an object's wideitude. — G.W.B., Crawford, Tex. (Brendan Beary) /OEADNHX/ "†' Headnox: Where the Three Stooges went to school. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) /OIENZRC / "†'*Zero Inc.:* Surprisingly candid name for a technology startup. (*Jim Derby, Rockville, Md.) /UAUTMPS / "†' U-Stamp-U: Ill-conceived scheme in which the ticket gates at stadium concerts are replaced by the honor system. (John Kammer, South Riding, Va.) /UEURMRM / "†' Remumu:* What Mama Cass used to do at intermission. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) /And last: ORWNWN / "†' Winworn: Weary from dusting all the mugs and bobbleheads in the trophy room.(Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) *First Offenders *Still running — deadline Monday: Our contest for automotive fictoids. See bit.ly/invite1075. Next week's results: Mess With (Y)our Heads, or Dismembrance of Things Post,* our perennial contest to follow a headline with a "bank head" that changes its meaning. See bit.ly/invite1073 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1077, published June 22, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1077: Time marches Swiftly; plus a run of bank headlines Bob Staake for The Washington Post (The "cantankerous" Captain Hazelwood. ) Pat Myers June 19 at 3:10 PM(/Click here to skip down to the results of the Week 1073 bank head contest. Or just keep reading and you'll see them.)/ *"Oh yeah? Well, you try mooring this ship," Captain Hazelwood said cantankerously. (Lee Giesecke, Week 44, 1994) *"We take stealing very seriously," Saddam Hussein said offhandedly.* (Harold Kerr; J. Neil Killalea) As the Empress continues to delve into the Paleozoic depths of the Invitational archives, we bring back for the first time this contest from 20 years ago: It's the venerable Tom Swifty joke, in which someone says or does something with an adverb, or sometimes a verb, relating to the person's name. (In Week 44, the form was called the "Tom Swiftly" by the Empress's predecessor, the Czar, logically and, well, ingeniously.) "ƒThe first Invite contest sought jokes "for the '90s," as in the two runners-up above from 1994. We hope you'll find fresh inspiration with more current subjects. So: This week: Give us a novel Tom Swifty, playing on either an adverb, as above, or a verb (e.g., "We care about the little people, the BP chairman gushed").* Warning: It's going to be hard to come up with something unique this week. Give it your best shot. If some of the swiftest Swifties are sent by many people, we'll run them with no specific credit. "ƒWinner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a shoe-polish-size tin of Magic Poop, donated by Nan Reiner: "It's soft! It's hard! It shatters! It melts!" It seems to be putty and is said to be "odor-free," so except for its being brown, we're not sure what its poopal qualities actually are. Along the same line, we'll throw in some Chicken Poop Lip Balm, which is not chicken poop but is lip balm. Donated by Kathy El-Assal. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 30; results published July 27 (online July 24). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1077" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *^The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at /wapo.st/styleconv ./ And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... MESS WITH (Y)OUR HEADS: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1073: Week 1073 was our perennial contest — sometimes named Bank Shots — to reinterpret (or comment wryly on) headlines in The Post and other publications by following them with "bank headlines." Too many people construed "Where's the local pride gone?" as a story about lions escaping from the zoo. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial /Real headline (from The Post's food section): / It's not much to look at, but this pickle rocks* /Bank head:/ Bill Clinton recounts best pickup line ever (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) 2nd place and the ice cream scoop whose handle is in the shape of Queen Elizabeth II: * Hoskins to depart D.C. for Prince George's* /Lesser-known Snyder team to be renamed Women's Football Alliance, will play at FedEx Field/ (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3rd place *Five interesting things about the Maryland lieutenant governor debate* / Okay, we did have to make up three of them/ (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) 4th place *Putin promises to 'respect' vote results* /Russian leader's use of air quotes during press conference worries Kerry /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) COOLER HEADS PREVAILED: HONORABLE MENTIONS *State parks get creative in search of funding /Officials predict 'Don't Throw Coins in Lake' signs will bring huge influx of coins to lake /(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Strategy shifts on terror stalls* /Al-Qaeda not fooled by fake restrooms labeled 'Jihadists' /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *'By the Inch' at the American Dance Institute /Men's tights even more revealing than usual in new ballet/ (Edward Gordon, Austin) *My No-Soap, No-Shampoo, Bacteria-Rich Hygiene Experiment* /10 days later, no wife /(Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring) *Pentagon chief calls for checkup on military health care* /Told he can get an appointment in 90 days/ (John Kammer, South Riding) *0% interest for 36 months* /Arranged marriages require lengthy adjustment period/ (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Castro nominated for HUD* /Fox News: 'Finally, Proof That Obama's a Communist' /(Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii) *Smart toilets arrive in U.S.* /Stupid toilets lured to Moscow with promise they will be used as thrones /(Paul Burnham, Gainesville) *Woman graduates college at 99* /Procrastinators Anonymous chapter begins search for new president /(Danielle Nowlin) *E. coli in water spurs boil alert* /Pustules, carbuncles also possible, dermatologists warn/ (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville; Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Naked man near White House ID'd* /Also given extra-long lanyard /(Kevin Dopart) *NPR is narrowing its scope* /More staffers now expected to opt for free colonoscopies /(Roy Ashley, Washington) *Ukrainian troops drive rebels from Donetsk airport* /'We disagree on some things, but it's nice to use the carpool lane,' soldier says /(Mark Richardson, Takoma Park) *School buses often violate D.C. traffic laws * /Metro sees source for new drivers /(Steve Brevig, Springfield) *Wasted millions in Mississippi* /Smoke blankets state after fire at marijuana farm /(Gary Crockett) *Prosecutors seek leniency for hacker* /Request was in e-mail that prosecutors don't remember sending/ (Gary Crockett) *Senators send letter to NFL on 'Redskins'* /Native Americans VOLUNTEERED to serve as human parchment, lawmaker insists /(Mark Raffman, Reston) *Fairfax school plan cuts 720 positions* /1-page Kama Sutra approved for HS libraries/ (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge; Brendan Beary) *Dish a little dirt* /And other new ideas for easy picnic casseroles /(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) *Schlereth: 'It is time to change the name'* /Tired of spelling it out, former Redskin will become 'Mark Smith' /(Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) *Brewers slide into rough patch* /Anheuser-Busch workers stumble in Clydesdale poop /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) *Long-suffering Syrians resign themselves to a new Assad term* /This time, the word ends with 'hole'/ (Ira Allen, Bethesda) *'I always anticipate I'll be back until somebody tells me I'm not'* /First draft of "Terminator" script discovered/ (Gary Crockett) *Cracker Barrel deals with tough customer* /'Rude' man undergoes surgery to remove pecan log from ear canal/ (Terri Berg Smith) *Three new elephants arrive at National Zoo after 2,400-mile trip across border* /Cabdriver swears he took the shortest route from Virginia/ (Nan Reiner, Alexandria) *Bloomberg, in speech at Harvard, blasts attempts to 'repress conservative ideas'* /Comments immediately dismissed with derision /(Jeff Contompasis) *Hotel guests reusing towels* /Mostly in their home bathrooms/ (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *Montgomery high schools to have more police next fall /Commissioner will give bonuses to any who graduate/ (Bird Waring) *A commencement crib sheet* /The right gift for the day-care graduate /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *Wildfire grows, forcing evacuations* /Residents say blaze 'scared the you-know-what out of us' /(Mark Raffman) ** // Study shows spouses genetically similar* /'Well, duh,' says Kentucky official /(Chris Doyle) *Purcellville officer shoots, kills someone* /Next week plans to shoot, kill something/ (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) *Sharks expand Larry Robinson's role* '/Larry's not just for breakfast anymore' /(Christopher Lamora) *A big push for one of Democrats' rising stars* /Investigator questions Clinton after Elizabeth Warren falls from dais at luncheon/ (Jeff Hazle; Mae Scanlan) *'It really is easy when it's the right one' /'Orifices: A User's Manual'/ /has multi-generational appeal/ (Kevin Dopart) *A headache that won't go away* /Canada continues to apologize for Justin Bieber/ (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) *After coup, general vows to create a 'genuine democracy' in Thailand* /Also promises to 'start that diet right after I finish this bag of Milk Duds'/ (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *Anti-gay-marriage group gets ethics fine* /'They may get it fine, but they don't DO it fine,' rules judge /(Michael Jacobs, Columbia) ** First lady backs school lunch rules* /'No apples!' warns Eve/ (Roy Ashley) /And Last: / When it's not fit to print* /How to know your Invite entry will get ink/ (Kevin Dopart) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our double-dactyl contest. See bit.ly/invite1076. Next week's results: Parody-Hopping,* or Lend Me Your Airs, our contest to write about a movie or stage musical using the tune from another musical. See bit.ly/invite1074. ====================================================================== WEEK 1078, published June 29, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1078: Hyphen the Terrible — neologisms plus winning parodies The tour-tle, a Hyphen the Terrible winner in 2000 for 87-time Loser Paul Kondis. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) Pat Myers June 26 at 1:55 PM(Click here to skip down to the winning and Losing song parodies from Week 1074.) *Tour-tle: An out-of-towner who walks really slowly in front of you. *(Paul Kondis, 2000) *Pro-zakstan: A country that is always at peace.* (Tom Witte, 1997) *Think-ter: The muscle in one's brain that contracts to prevent crude or embarrassing thoughts from emerging. (David Hartman, 1997) Take your morning constitutional in this T-shirt. If you win this week's second prize. (Nan Reiner) We've run at least 15 neologism contests over the years that have asked readers to combine parts of two words to create a new one. This week we bring back the contest's original name (rather than the more recent "Join Now") because we're redrafting the original punctuation mark: *This week: Combine one side of any hyphenated word or compound term with one side of another word to make a new hyphenated term, and define it humorously. Both halves must appear in the same issue of The Post or another print newspaper, or in writing published the same day on washingtonpost.com or another online publication (online articles usually have the publication date attached) any day from June 26 through July 7. This is one week that print-paper readers might have an advantage, because narrow newspaper columns often break up long words at the ends of lines, while online publications usually don't. So you'll have more hyphens in print. Please mention the two hyphenated words you're combining, as well as what publication you got them from. You may combine two first halves or second halves, or put a second half first in your new word. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a cool T-shirt that Loser Nan Reiner found in Florida (it turns out that the proprietor of the In Touch With You T-shirt shop on Key West was familiar with the Invite!): It says "We the People" in old-style Constitution lettering; then under it, in italics, it says: "are piffed." *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 7; results published July 27 (online July 24). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1078" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the "next week's results line is by Christopher Lamora. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . PARODY-HOPPING: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1074: The challenge in Week 1074 w to write a song about a stage or screen musical — set to the tune of a song from a different musical. The Empress was deluged with all kinds of devilishly funny parodies of everything from Disney flicks to operas. The links on the titles below go to YouTube recordings of the originals, so you can hear the tune as you sing the parodies to yourself. And I'll be sharing even more of the deserving entries with the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook over the next several weeks; go to /on.me.fb/invdev/ to join. THE WINNER OF THE INKIN' MEMORIAL: *"The Sound of Music" Sung to "Put On a Happy Face" from "Bye Bye Birdie" *Come join our troupe of seven — here in our sappy place. Lyrical sucrose heaven — it's a von Trappy place. Clad in the drapes, we traipse so merrily; each day is fun, Under the lilting lead of — verily — a singing nun! Soon she'll enrapture Daddy — with ingénue aplomb. He'll be so blithely glad, he — joins in our gay ensemble, And we'll keep singing, though Nazis may chase, 'Cause we're in a sappy place! (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.; Nan sings this and her other parodies herself on the links to her songs) 2nd place and the 1994 Style Invitational Year 2 Loser T-shirt: *"Frozen" Sung to "I Cain't Say No" from "Oklahoma!"* (start video clip at 0:36) I'm just a girl who makes it snow, Yet looks as sultry as hell. Sick of my song? Oh, let it go — Or blame Idina Menzel. She's the one who sings it after all; I'm just another glamorous cartoon Who's proportioned like a Barbie doll, With eyes so wide they'd make a lemur swoon. What does a 2-D princess know? Well, I can say beyond doubt: People who grumble and shout Trying to stamp earworms out Just make them grow. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 3rd place *"Beauty and the Beast" on Broadway Sung to "Under the Sea" from "The Little Mermaid" (start video at 0:16) Here is a play from a Disney movie Brought back to life on the Broadway stage. "Dad, can we please?" "Mom, it's really groovy!" 4 to 14 is the target age. You grown-ups might find it ranklin': You know this plot all too well And each ticket costs a Franklin — Why put yourself through this hell? It's rated G! It's rated G! Sure it is lame, but suitably tame, Profanity-free! Family fun for one and all As long as you're under 4 feet tall — Come out and clap for recycled pap, 'cause It's rated G! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 4th place *"The Phantom of the Opera"* *Sung to "A Spoonful of Sugar" from "Mary Poppins"* (start video at 0:20) A canoe in the sewer Is the way I get around! My mind is most unsound But I am romance bound! A canoe in the sewer Is the way I get around 'Neath the Paris Opera House. Though I'm an ugly S.O.B. She loves my air of mystery And longs to get a peek inside my mask. But if her boyfriend dares appear I'm gonna drop the chandelier You'll scream! With fright! And then I'll sing "The Music of the Night" . . . (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) THE PARODIES OEUVRE: HONORABLE MENTIONS *"Sweeney Todd" to "Surrey With the Fringe on Top" from "Oklahoma!" (Intro verse:) When I bow and show you to my chair, You must think I'm going to cut your hair. Never mind the bloodstains on those snow-white linens, There's no reason why you should beware. Gents and chaps and blokes better worry — I'm not here to make 'em less furry. They'll be cut up into a slurry once I've used my strop. When they sit and show their carotid, Drape laid out and carefully knotted, They've used up the time they're allotted and the clock must stop! My chair has levers, the upholstery's red, It has a chute to the pie shop. My clients go down to Mrs. Lovett's, dead, So no one will find them in /my/ shop. Some might think this treatment is nasty. It's no worse than some rhinoplasty. Down to meet their fate as a pasty they will go, kerplop, Once I kill 'em with my razor in my fine Fleet Street shop. (David Franks, Greenland, Ark.) *"Les Misérables" * To "Seventy-Six Trombones" from "The Music Man" Seventy-six young men led the prison gang, with a hundred-and-ten-mile slog just begun. From a horrible death one's freed, by the superhuman deed of a man called 24601. Seventy-six young men storm the barricades, while the wretched Fantine sells more than her hair. Through the sewers crawls Jean Valjean (he's our 24601) out of reach of grim gendarme Javert. In the village, times are fat for the Thenardiers: Thundering, plundering everything in sight. Peasants, though, are starving for some party days "¦ hearty days which should be theirs by right. At the barricades, all eyes are trained on Marius: Yearning to turn his head, all the girls connive. Against a foe nefarious, his fate is so precarious, you pray he just makes it out alive. Seventy-six young men meet their massacre, while a hundred and ten small girls start to sob. After almost four hours passed, comes the curtain down at last: /Sacré bleu! "" Mon Dieu!/ "" and /Halleleu! Adieu /"" to /tout/ "Les Misérables!" (Nan Reiner) *"Les Misérables" To "Anything Goes" (start at 0:35) Aboard the ship the slaves are rowing, We don't know where they are going, but we surmise Everyone dies. Javert, it seems, has quite a passion For giving Valjean a lashin' for stealing ryes — Everyone dies. And when they start to sing It won't mean a thing — They sing everything, And the songs they sing Tug at every string So we hope you bring Along Puffs for your eyes! The women turn to prostitution, The men start a revolution, say their goodbyes, Everyone dies. They build a barricade of wicker, They should've used something thicker. It's no surprise Everyone dies. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) **"The Book of Mormon" To "Hard Knock Life" from "Annie"* It's the knock-knock life for us, It's the knock-knock life for us, Door-to-door we travel with All the words of Joseph Smith, It's the knock-knock life. To Uganda we must go, There the knock-knock row to hoe; Though Orlando was our hope We will find some way to cope. It's the knock-knock life. Don't you feel no one wants to be converted, Don't it seem no one wants to see the light? Add some "Star Wars" and they will be diverted And you'll have a congregation overnight! Do you have any issues that you've skirted, Do you fight inner demons in the night? If you have feelings you might think perverted, You can shove them down and bottle them up tight! That's the knock-knock life! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *"West Side Story" to "Dance: Ten; Looks: Three" from "A Chorus Line"* Dance: ten; fists: three — It's a fistfight simulation, Not a gangbang altercation -- That ain't it, man, that ain't it, man Dance: ten; fists, three — It's, like, so lame; Left the theater and went uptown to Catch the Islanders game. Jets and Sharks: It's no rumble when it's ballet; Rough-and-tumble dudes don't chassé No true grit in it, no one hit in it Sharks and Jets: Ports-de-bras and pirouettes, All the while throwing punches from pliés! Jets and Sharks are easy marks In grands jetés! (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *"Chicago" to to "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" from "Frozen" Do you want to kill your husband? You'll spend some time in jail. Just feign confusion, fake distress, and woo the press; They'll want to pay your bail! Your face will fill the papers, Your name in lights, In minutes you'll be a star! Do you want to kill your husband? Then go ahead and kill your husband; You'll go far. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *"Cabaret" to "On the Street Where You Live" from "My Fair Lady" I have often come down this way before But the shows I saw were never this risqué before Girls in garters dance, absent all romance In this smoke-filled Berlin cabaret. Intellectuals and the working Jew Are depicted as an ape who wears a pink tutu. It's just like I feared, things are getting weird; And it starts in this Berlin cabaret. But oh, her voice is enchanting, Can't describe how good it all feels. And yet, I hear myself panting Being dazzled by this dude in 10-inch heels. When the house is drunk, then I start to think I would like to hope they're all as dumb as Colonel Klink But reality proves Reich Number Three Spends its nights in this Berlin cabaret . (Frank Mann, Washington) *"Oh! Calcutta!"to "Food, Glorious Food " from "Oliver!" (start vi deo at 0:48) *Nudes! Glorious nudes! Full bosoms and nethers! Both women and dudes In their altogethers! Just flashing some naughty bits, In all of their glory, Sure rescues a show when it's Got no story! No, no, we're not lewd; It's not pornographic -- We're harshly reviewed, But what pulls in the traffic? One rule's let us run for years: Lure out-of-town prudes With ... nudes! Fabulous nudes! Everywhere, nudes! Glorious nudes! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *"Sweeney Todd," to "Being Alive" from "Company" (start at 1:49) Someone to grind up your limbs, Someone to chop off each toe, Someone to pluck out your hair, And wrap you in dough, And make you prepared For being a pie — being a pie! You surely made a mistake -- You only wanted a shave, But it's unfortunate fact You're doomed to a grave (Well, digestive tract) 'Cause now you're a pie, Now you're a pie! (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) *"Sunday in the Park With George," to "Guys & Dolls" When a show's main plot's painting millions of dots, You can bet that the subject is Georges Seurat. When he jabs his brush with a swift rat-a-tat, And repeats this technique, till after a week, he's finished a hat. He unmakes his heart, blots his love out for art, While you stare with a puzzled /"Je ne sais quoi"¦"/ Call him daft, call him crazy. (Get too close and the picture's hazy.) You can bet that the cuckoo is Georges Seurat "" okay, Seurat? "" We get that the lunatic's Georges Seurat! /(Nan Reiner) / *"Sunday in the Park With George," to "You Gotta Have Heart" from "Damn Yankees" You gotta have art! Put some paintings in your heart. Show the critics all the talent you've got 'Cause every last dot is smart. You gotta mix paint. Brush it on with some restraint. It's okay to be eccentric or nuts Or even a putz who ain't a saint. First you gotta have art. Make your mistress pose on Sunday. Tell her not to move a hair. When she says she wants a fun day, Tell her you don't really care . . . (chorus) When your creditors are looming, Just forget your dot designs. 'Cause your business will be booming If you simply paint some lines! There's nothing to it but to do it . . . (chorus) (Barbara Sarshik, McLean, Va.) *Verdi's opera "Otello" to "Oklahoma!" Des-demona, girl, I fear you'll be the death of me! I've got a real Achilles' heel: My fatal flaw's my jealousy! Des-demona, your behavior's gotten quite risqué! Your handsome hunk has just got drunk And "in vino veritas" they say! I know Mr. Cassio's confessed — Why, that rascal's a cuckoo in my nest! You scheming ho'! (I know! I know!) Iago told me so! (It's sayonara) You're going down Desdemona, Desdemona, oh woe! Des-demona, I just simply have to face the facts That despite my rank, you brazen skank, You've been making that beastie with two backs! Des-demona, I can prove your infidelity. I'd spare you if that handkerchief Were with your other lingerie! I'm sorry I couldn't fulfill thee, And I'm sorry I now have to kill thee. Now wrong'd Othell-o will send you straight to Hell! (oh now I've done it) I'm all undone, Desdemona, Desdemona, farewell! (Anne Hodgkinson, Utrecht, the Netherlands) *"Oklahoma!" set to "Greased Lightning" from "Grease"* (start at 0:22) The wheels are yeller, upholstery's brown. (Oh, yeah!) The dash is leather, the curtains roll down. (Oh, yeah!) With sidelights both a-blinkin', ain't no finer rig I'm thinkin', The chicks and ducks will scream, and the dairy cows make cream For Fringed Surry. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney) *"Lady and the Tramp" to "Jet Song" from "West Side Story" When you're a pet, you're a pet all the way. You got shots at the vet, you're no dirty old stray! .When you're a pet, you get food from a can, And you don't have to fret 'bout 'Bout the dogcatcher man. But love's movin' in -- that mutt that you just met, he Got under your skin, and soon you're going steady, To slurp spaghetti ! There's no regret when he comes home to stay: In a flash you are set in a family way! Did they forget to spay a pet? (Mark Raffman) *"The Lion King" to "Suddenly Seymour" from "Little Shop of Horrors" * (start at 0:37) Up at Pride Rock, we animals gather: Some presentation is about to occur. Why are we here, so early this mornin'? Now a baboon has a small ball of fur. Suddenly Simba is hoisted before us. His father, Mufasa, presents us his son. Suddenly Simba is here to provide us Royal succession "" Simba's the one. Hang on a minute, nothing comes easy. Uncle is trouble, mean as can be. Voiced by the actor who played Claus von Bülow And the main bad guy from "Die Hard 3." Suddenly Simba is deep in the doo-doo. His uncle takes over when dad bites the dust. Suddenly Simba is running away now. So much for ruling "" Simba's a bust. He meets a meerkat and later a warthog "" Comic relief in a serious flick. (Please understand that my space is restricted, So like it or not, I will finish up quick. Finally Simba's done with vacation, Teenager Simba defeats Uncle Scar. Leave it to Disney to bastardize Hamlet. When you're finished reading, When you're finished reading, When you're finished reading, I'll be in the bar. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) /Look for more parodies each day for at least a week on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. / *Still running — deadline Monday night: our Tom Swifty contest. See /bit.ly/invite1077/. Next week's results: Falsity Is Job One,* or Faux-Wheel Drive, our contest for bogus trivia about cars and the automotive world. See bit.ly/invite1075. ====================================================================== WEEK 1079, published July 6, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1079: Little riddle rhymes; and the winning car 'fictoids' Cyclops eyedrops, of course. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) Pat Myers July 3 at 2:44 PM *Q. What medication can last twice as long? A. Cyclops eyedrops. (Sue Lin Chong) *Q. I was in a coma — how did "Survivor" turn out, anyway? A. Shrewd rude nude dude out-IQ'd multitude. (David Genser) *Q. What do users of Viagra hope for? Never-fail-ya genitalia.* (Sue Lin Chong) It doesn't SAY it's Martha Stewart as the salt shaker, attached via magnet to Puppy Pepper; the set is this week's second prize. (Pat Myers) Given the multitudinous lists of rules for some recent contests, this week's couldn't be simpler: It's one that we've done just once before(in this form, anyway), 14 years ago in Week 365. This week: Ask a question and answer it with a rhyme,* as in the examples above from 2000. You may rhyme more than two words, but they all have to be the same rhyme. Loser Matt Monitto says his family used to play a similar game called Inky Pinky, but we're guessing that Matt's family didn't use the edgy, sometimes highbrow, often topical rhymes that tend to get Invite ink (and did so last time). You can see all the Week 365 winners at bit.ly/invite365 (scroll down past that week's new contest). Note that while the Empress has her standards on what counts as a rhyme — we're using the classic "perfect rhymes" — she will do her best to accept that not everyone pronounces vowels the way they're spoken in her native Philadelphia, that "berry" and "marry" more or less rhyme in less enlightened dialects, for example. And today's headline? While the /tt/ and /dd/ of "little" and "riddle" are pronounced very differently in Britain, in American English the /tt/ in "little" is what's called the "American flap" — closer to a D than a T — and close enough for us. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulous addition to any formal dinner table: a set of little ceramic salt and pepper shakers, of a lady and a dog; there's a tiny magnet on the muzzle of the dog, and another on the backside of the lady. Donated by 243-time Loser Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 14; results published Aug. 3 (online July 31). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1079" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line was sent by both Nan Reiner and Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at bit.ly/conv1079 . HAR TALK: WINNING AUTOMOTIVE FICTOIDS FROM STYLE INVITATIONAL WEEK 1075: The latest in our series of totally bogus trivia, this time about motor vehicles, roads, stuff like that. The Empress loves that old joke: In Texas you can drive across your ranch all day without reaching the boundary lines. . . . Vermonters have cars like that, too. But she wasn't so thrilled to see it sent to a contest for original humor. There might be other retreads in here as well; if you see one, just enjoy the ride, okay? The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: Rather than producing an undignified beep when a driver neglects to fasten his seat belt, a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow emits the sound of a discreetly clearing throat. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 2nd place and "Heads of State," a book of memorabilia featuring presidents' crania: So far, the Google self-driving car has passed its driving test only in Florida. (Martin Bancroft, Bellevue, Wash.) 3rd place The name of Erik Prndl, inventor of the automatic transmission, is displayed on most cars' dashboards. (Edward Gordon, Austin; Jeff Shirley, Richmond) 4th place To build its Garden State Parkway, the State of New Jersey paved over 351 gardens and 79 parks. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Faux on the floor: honorable mentions Factory-applied stain-proofing chemicals inadvertently cause car seat cushions to retain human flatulence for up to three weeks. This is why dogs prefer to ride with their heads out the window. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) GM nearly sold off the Chevrolet brand because "it sounds too French." (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) The voice actress for the Garmin GPS made a guest appearance as an extra in the third season of "Lost." (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) It is well known that Pierre L'Enfant designed the layout of the streets of Washington, D.C., but few know that he was assisted by the Marquis de Sade. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) West Virginia politicians are considering subsidies for coal-powered SUVs. (Ken Gallant; Peter Siegwald, Lauzerte, France) "Tom and Ray," the hosts of public radio's "Car Talk," are actually one person who does two slightly different voices. He knows little about cars but was an early adopter of Google. (Robert Schechter) The grille of the Ford Edsel was designed by Georgia O'Keeffe. (Mark Raffman) In Florida, residents over age 80 must renew their driver's licenses every 10 years or 2,000 miles, whichever comes first. (Jeff Covel, Arlington, Va.) The state of Massachusetts hired New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick as a consultant to help train DMV employees how not to smile. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Used-car dealers in Cuba are using American TV ads from the 1950s to promote their inventory. (Mark Raffman) When shown a yellow light, 9 out of 10 test mice preferred the gas pedal to the brake pedal. (Jeff Covel) By 2018 in California, all new cars will be fitted with a computer chip that detects if the vehicle is speeding, and then automatically deducts the fine from the driver's bank account. (Robert Schechter) After intense lobbying by child safety groups about the dangers of prom night, Maryland now requires all limo passengers 18 and younger to wear safety harnesses — called "feet belts" — when standing in an open sunroof, waving their arms and yelling "Wooooh!" (Daniel Bender, Bethesda, Md.) In D.C., the number of additional fees that may be added to a cab fare is capped at infinity. (Frank Mann, Washington) Because of the high number of false alarms, new cars will be equipped with an additional sensor connected to a check check engine light light. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The word "car" came into vogue in the early 20th century as a shorthand term for "horseless carriage," once it was realized that "hor" was not going to work. (Mark Raffman) Foreign versions of Punch Buggy — in which you hit your friend when you see a VW Beetle — include (in India) Purple Nurple Tata and (in Serbia) Crotch Pop Yugo. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round" is based on a true story. (Jeff Shirley) At a gift shop on Route 66 in Tulsa, the biggest seller is the set of souvenir shin guards. (Dave Leveton, Gainesville, Va.) /And we have room for one more song parody from Week 1074: The contest was to write a song about a stage or screen musical, using the tune of a different musical: / *"The Wizard of Oz" Sung to "Do-Re-Mi" from "The Sound of Music"* So, young dear, what have we here? Hey, it seems you're on the run! See, the blame is on yourself; Ha! But killing can be fun! Oh, one sister squashed and dead; Ah, the other melts like snow; Gee, those poppies messed your head — Please just grab your mutt and go! (oh oh oh) (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) *Still running — deadline Monday night: our Hyphen the Terrible neologism contest. See bit.ly/invite1078 . Next week's results: Dactyly Fractaly,* or Bodacious Double-D's, our contest for the short, galloping poems called double dactyls. bit.ly/invite1076. ====================================================================== WEEK 1080, published July 13, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1080: The dactyls and the terror The eviction of invertebrates from the National Zoo: the subject of Gene Weingarten's tragically bad poem, the example for Week 1080. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers July 10 (Click here to skip down to the results of our double-dactyl contest from Week 1076.) New contest for Week 1080: McGonagall with the wind /To the Zoo, on a Cowardly, Profit-Driven Decision/ *Alas, the zoo is closing the exhibit of invertebrates (Little animals that live on plankton and frankfurter bits). Now where can we go to see coral and octopuses? Fie on thee, zookeepers. You are spineless wusses.* — Gene Weingarten, inspired by the "poetry" of W.T. McGonagall The Empress was recently alerted to the oeuvre — emphasis on the /oeuuuu/ — of William Topaz McGonagall, a 19th-century Scotsman whose mawkish, clumsy odes on various tragic subjects prompted audiences to throw rotten fish at him, and today earns him such superlatives as "writer of the worst poetry in the English language," in the words of a Web site devoted to his life and, uh, creations (see bit.ly/mcgonagall ). Such as this stanza from "The Execution of James Graham, Marquis of Montrose": /After partaking of a hearty breakfast, he commenced his toilet, Which, in his greatest trouble, he seldom did forget. And while in the act of combing his hair, He was visited by the Clerk Register, who made him stare. / Not surprisingly, such wordcraft inspired Washington Post Doggerel Laureate Gene Weingarten to pen the tragic ode above, on the occasion of the closing of the National Zoo's Invertebrate House. And inspired us to ask you to out-McGonagall McGonagall: This week: Memorialize a modern "tragedy" in a poem burdened with hilariously overwrought verse; lame, forced rhymes; and painfully uneven meter. While the work of the real McG typically drones on for a dozen verses, we think you can get the badness across in one verse of no more than eight lines.* Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, in keeping with the quality of the verse that will earn it, a miniature key fob of an itty-bitty rubber gorilla: You squeeze it and a little brown bubble of "poop" emerges from the mini-butt; let it relax and the poop-bubble returns inside the ape. A National Zoo souvenir donated by Loser Andrea Kelly. The world's easiest-to-clean-up gorilla poop — just unsqueeze and it goes back inside the gorilla. This little key fob is second prize in Week 1080 of the Invitational. (Pat Myers) *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 21; results published Aug. 10 (online Aug. 7). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1080." in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin; the alternative headline for the "next week's contest" line is by Jeff Contompasis; "Six-Hooters" is by Nan Reiner. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / ^ The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . SIX-HOOTERS: WEEK 1076's WINNING DOUBLE DACTYLS: The double dactyl, a verse form invented just a few decades ago, has all sorts of rules : It has to be eight short lines; one of the lines has to be a six-syllable word; one has to include someone's name; and most important, it has to be in dactylic (DUM-da-da) meter. As in today's inking entries, the best of a stampede of a thousand or so galloping submissions. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: Higgledy piggledy, *Ken Cuccinelli,* the Gubernatorial Aspirant found Preoccupation with Transvaginalia Wasn't, as strategies Go, ultra sound. (Jeremy Horowitz, Washington, a First Offender) 2nd place /and the"Manneken Pis" snow dome from Brussels:/ Abraca dabraca, Poor Lois Lerner has Lost all her e-mails — oh, Where could they be? Why does the IRS Incomprehensibly Never lose track of what's Owed them from me? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3rd place Higgledy piggledy, *Philippa Middleton ("Pippa," Kate's sister): it's Clear to deduce How you upstaged royal Connubiality: She had the train, but you Had the caboose. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 4th place Hairily scarily *Donald the Trump thinks we Don't get enough of a View of his fame. On all his buildings is Egocentricity. Vandals should tear down the "T" from his name. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) LOSERY BLUESERY: HONORABLE MENTIONS Honkoway Broncoway *Orenthal Simpson,* who Bungled a burglary, Wound up in jail. There, from inside of his Impenitentiary, Sits right on top of the Real killer's tail. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) /Upcoming Anniversaries/ Crashity splashity, *Edward M. Kennedy Drove off a bridge span in Mid-'69. (Armstrong and Aldrin were Coincidentally Manning the Eagle and Landed just fine). (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Dandily, scandally *Lerner's computer is Suddenly missing some E-mails, Boo-hoo! Ryan has dared to say "Impossibility!" Next year will Ryan get Audited, too? (Claire Keeler, Manassas, Va., a First Offender) Votery dotery *Eric I. Cantor* was Beaten by Tea Party Favorite Brat, Proving that primaries Representational Often exclude from the Ring the wrong hat. (Sam Gwynn, Beaumont, Tex., a First Offender) Fiddledy, Diddledy, *Cantor* said smugly, "Oh, he's just a nothing. I'll Trounce him — no fears." Then oh so startlingly, incomprehensibly, Folks on his home grounds had Other idears. (Bill Willcox, Washington, whose only other previous Invite ink was a poem in Week 393, 2001) Paleo, naileo *Ogg the Neanderthal Mated with humans, our DNA states. Given the evident Heterospeciety, Stone Agers must have been Hard up for dates. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Nearical spherical *Buckminster Fuller,* he Never had need for a Brush or a comb. Egg-headed wizard who Rectangle-phobically Touted to all that there's No place like dome. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Hiltony wiltony, Shooting the president, *John Hinckley Jr.* thought, "Jodie will beam!" Warped and deluded, the Heterosexual Gunman had missed she was Not on his team. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) Ruefully; truefully? *Eleanor Roosevelt,* Asked by her spouse, when their Coupling turned sham, To be discreet in her "Extracurriculars": "Franklin, my dear, I just Don't give a damn." (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Jerkily, twerkily, Hannah Montana, her Old alter ego, must Be all aghast: *Miley, who's older now, Nymphomaniacally Gyrates and strips off this Part of her past. (David Franks, Greenland, Ark.) Miracle-pyrical, *Jesus of Nazareth* Feeding five thousand: two Fish and some bread. "Such a proceeding is Uneconomical." Bakers and fishermen Hastily said. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) Slimmery-flimmery, *Mehmet C. Oz,* MD, Flogs coffee extract as Fat-burning fuel, Senators recommend, Hyper-emphatically, That he be labeled a Great Weight Loss Tool. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Hoitily-toitily, *Benedict Cumberbatch (Cherished by fans as an Arrogant sleuth) Mines the attractions of Sociopathically Keeping his coolness while Ditching his couth. (Susan McLean, Iowa City, Iowa, a First Offender) Jumpity bumpity, *George Herbert Walker Bush* Strapped on a parachute, Took a big leap; Nobody told him most Nonagenarians Celebrate 90 by Falling asleep. (Beverley Sharp) Iggity wiggity, *Pallas Athena,* the Goddess of wisdom, and Also the arts, Shows up in sculpture with Impeccability. (Not so with Venus, who's Missing some parts.) (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Rahmical cahmical *Mayor Emanuel,* Running Chicago, does Not like disputes. Talks to his enemies Dactylologically, Flashing his famous four- Finger salutes. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Hippity hoppity, *Nouri al-Maliki* Heads up a country that's Ready to crack. Islamists carving up Mesopotamia. Nouri is stuck in a Hard place, Iraq. (Beryl Benderly, Washington) Haqeri 'Raqeri *Nouri al-Maliki Baghdadi chieftain who Said, "I'm the man." Lost in a battle that's Hyper-sectarian, We'll ask,"Where is he?" and He'll say: "I-ran." (Mark Raffman) Monstery bonstery *Bolaji Badejo,* Creature in "Alien," Scared us a lot; Who'd want to mess with that Extraterrestrial? Which thought should Ripley's be? Leave it, or not? (Brendan Beary) Higgelton piggelton Pastor Jim Jones* was an Egomaniacal, Sick puppeteer. Mass suicide, though, is No laughing matter. So Don't get your hopes up — there's No punch line here. (Niels Hoven, San Francisco) Humpery bumpery *Kim West/Kardashian* First got attention for Exploits in bed Still her big ass brings her Marketability (No, not her tuchus! The one that she wed). (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) Fly-mama, my-mama, *Your Mama's* uglier Than a baboon or a Dirty dead rat, Plus she resembles an Even-toed ungulate (Artiodactyla). Also, she's fat. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Higgledy piggledy, *Andriy Deshchytsia,* Pol from Ukraine, isn't One to stand mute; Calls Putin "d---head," and Undiplomatically, We laugh along and say, "Odessa hoot." (Brendan Beary) *And Last:* Pattily-scattily, *Empress of Washington (Like Queen Victoria) Wasn't amused. Spurning my humor, she Unjustifiably Binned all my entries — why Wasn't I choosed? (Brian Allgar, Paris) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for questions that have rhyming answers. Seebit.ly/invitewk1079. Next week's results: Time Marches Swiftly,* or Adverbal Abuse, our contest for "Tom Swifty" jokes. See bit.ly/invite1077. ====================================================================== WEEK 1081, published July 20, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1081: It's the stupidity, stupid — be a dumb-ask Plus the swiftest Swifties from Week 1077 "Like I know it's really hot but I am thinking if they went in the winter time when the sun is only like 30 degrees I bet they could do it." — Yahoo Answers (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers July 17 (Click here to skip down to the winning and losing Tom Swifty jokes from Week 1077.) /"Do you think humans will ever walk on the sun? I was just daydreaming and thinking today and I thought about how crazy it was that a person has walked on the moon and Mars. I was just wondering if u think a person will ever walk on the sun too? Like I know it's really hot but I am thinking if they went in the winter time when the sun is only like 30 degrees I bet they could do it." / /"Is throwing your hair in the garbage safe? I wanted to be sure because in biology we learned it has DNA and stuff so is it safe?" / /"Last year I was Catholic but I'm bored with that now. How can I change my race to Chinese or Russian?"/ — Questions posted on Yahoo Answers Whoever said there are no stupid questions hasn't been anywhere near an Internet. The three questions above were posted in recent years on the Yahoo Answers site, in which the reading public may answer them helpfully or unhelpfully, and were compiled, along with 35 others, by Buzzfeed.com, and passed on to the Empress by 63-time Loser Fred Dawson. They're all still online at Yahoo Answers; we've fixed the spelling and capitalization a bit to make them halfway readable (part of the first question actually reads, ". . . if u think a person will ever walk on the sun to? like i kno its realy hot . . ."). Your mission is obvious: Write us stupid questions that will make us laugh, like the probably serious ones above. Bad grammar or spelling doesn't make us laugh; that just makes us weary. The sun-walk example is 82 words, but aim for closer to 50, or fewer. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives another in our series of bad-taste ceramic mugs: This one is called the Big Sipper, and it's clearly designed to be filled with milk, given that on one side is an udderly feminine swelling where the drinker imbibes. (If by chance the winner has any propriety or is a kid, we will substitute something else.) Brought all the way from Seattle by visiting Loser P. Diane Schneider, who donates it from her personal collection. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 28; results published Aug. 17 (online Aug. 14). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1081" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Brendan Beary; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / ^ THE STYLE CONVERSATIONAL The Empress's weekly online column (posted late Thursday afternoon) discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . LET'S GET TO THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1077 RIGHT AWAY, THE EMPRESS SAID SWIFTLY: We got more than 2,000 entries responding to our call for Tom Swifty (a.k.a. Swiftly) jokes, which pun on adverbs and verbs. Some of today's results require you to use a little mental flexibility: Some are sound puns (e.g., "genuine"); some are visual puns (the first four letters of "beatifically"); and some require you to add a mental hyphen or capital letter (after "pro" in "probingly"). The winner of the Inkin' Memorial "Every time you ask, you'll get the same answer; I did not have sex with that woman," Bill Clinton said reliably. (Greg Arnold, Herndon, Va.) 2nd place and the totally not Magic Poop and Chicken Poop Lip Balm: "We may have to leave the Euro zone," Merkel remarked. "Ditto," added Hollande frankly. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 3rd place "There are delays on the Red Line," the voice from the loudspeaker repeated metronomically. (David Litman, Arlington, Va.) 4th place "#%*#!, #%*#!, #%*#!" the former House majority leader effused. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Better luck next Tom: honorable mentions "Everyone would agree that I am very tall, correct?" the North Korean leader stated unambiguously. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) "Microsoft's search engine is better than Google's," Bill Gates said probingly. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) "I never so much as touched that woman," said Ike Turner beatifically. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) "Gee, you've put on a lot of weight, Auntie," said Dorothy emphatically. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) "Miss Aniston, you've defeated me," said Tom genuinely. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) "That last Old Spice commercial was pretty lame," Isaiah Mustafa said pitifully. (Kevin Dopart, vacationing in Naxos, Greece) "We got rid of all that diet beer," said the bartender delightedly. (Kevin Dopart) "Son, you have a right to know; I've decided to become a woman," the father said transparently. (Greg Arnold; Ken Stern, New York, who got his only other blot of ink in 2003) "I really don't know what my most popular role was — perhaps Nigel Tufnel," Christopher guessed. (Jeff Contompasis) "I no longer travel abroad," said Chaz Bono. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) "You'd better remember that my decisions determine what you'll pay on your mortgage," said Janet Yellen irately. (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) "What anagrams can you make from 'I am Lord Voldemort'?" Tom Marvolo riddled. (Jeff Contompasis) "Woohoo — she'll be off running the country for four whole years!" Bill exhilarated. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) **"Don't worry. I go rock climbing by myself for days," said Aron Ralston disarmingly. (Lynda Hoover, Shepherdstown, W.Va.) "Maybe raising eight kids /was/ overly ambitious," Kate Gosselin brooded. (Kate Sammons, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) "We do /not/ use slurs to refer to our Asian workers," Tom said coolly. (Chris Doyle) "I think we've been making headway against this bacterial infection in our hospital," the administrator said mercifully . (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Yeah, to heck with this lethal injection stuff — we're going back to Old Sparky," Rick Perry ruled concurrently. (Gary Crockett) "I had never in my life met such rude people until I reached Copenhagen," grumbled Tom disdainfully. (Sheila Blume, South Setauket, N.Y.) "Oh, by the way, Dagwood, the dog died," Blondie said lackadaisically. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) "You're funny — just not 'SNL' funny, "explained the assistant producer forlornly. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) "Can we just finish shooting the §&@% movie!" huffed Jenna Jameson crotchetedly. (Rob Huffman) "If I hear that blasted 'Happy' song one more time, I'm going to lose it!" snarled the record producer ferally. (Rob Huffman) "The secret of my success was to never stop swinging," Muhammad Ali explained bashfully. (Todd DeLap) "Well, Little Monsters, the good news is that the Wizards made the playoffs," Lady Gaga said disconcertingly . (Jordi Parry, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) "I admit I made a few mistakes," sniffed the Mayor for Life. (Scott Weinstein, Montreal) "Let me give you a little hug," the python hissed coyly. (Bill Rippey, Montgomery Village, Md.; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md. — which makes you wonder what's in the pipes in Montgomery Village, Md.) "I won the eBay auction for the shrunken head!" Tom said morbidly. (Dayna Fellows, Bethesda, Md.) "Just because I don't want him anymore doesn't mean anyone else can have him!" she exclaimed. (Tom Witte) "I'm the only one who ever cleans up the clogged toilets," the janitor deduced. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) "I wrote the song 'Death and the Maiden," Beethoven lied. (Ann Martin, London) "There's only one solution," Dick Cheney inveighed. (Nancy Schwalb; Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) "Aah, what's Baal ever done for me?" the Caananite asked idly. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) "To this day, I'm still creeped out by that one scene in 'Alien,' " Tom said abjectly. (Brendan Beary) "Say, mate, let's travel around to Britain's most oddly pronounced places," Tom said Cholmondeley. (Brendan Beary) "I've got a sure-fire way of becoming famous," Monica said successfully. (Laurie Morrison, Rockville, Md.) "Russell Crowe should never be allowed around a musical again," said Les miserably. (Brendan O'Byrne, Regina, Saskatchewan) "Oh, sure, there are NO words that contain all the vowels in order," she said facetiously. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) "It should be 'whom,' not 'who,' " the copy editor objected. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for bad poetry: See bit.ly/invite1080. Next week's results: Hyphen the Terrible, or Wits and Pieces, our contest to combine halves of two different hyphenated words. See bit.ly/invite1078. ====================================================================== WEEK 1082, published July 27, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1082: Band on the Pun — slightly alter the name of a music act Plus the winning 'Hyphen the Terrible' neologisms from Week 1078(Bob Staake/for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 24 at 2:44 PM (Click here to skip down to the winning "Hyphen the Terrible" results from Week 1078.) *The Beagles: Had No. 1 hits with both a "A Dog Day's Night" and "Kennel California."* (Jeff Contompasis) *The B-12's might help with your "Love Slack."* (Julie Kempton) *Lad Gaga: So those rumors WERE true!* (Jeff Contompasis) *Dave Matthews Bad: Honest rock.* (David Clayton) Just a few days ago, Pre-Loser Lisa Kelsey of Pawling, N.Y., shared on Facebook's Style Invitational Devotees page about a little game on Twitter called (if you add spaces and a comma) Remove a Letter, Ruin a Band: to drop a letter from the name of a music group to make a funny name. The Devotees immediately expanded on the idea, and we'll run with it as well: Alter the name of a music group or performer slightly — not necessarily by just one letter, but enough so it's obvious what the original is — and describe it in some way,* as in the examples above from the Devotees page. It's going to be the clever description that will earn the ink. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, apropos of this contest, a bright orange cloth belt covered with weirdly misspelled titles of Rolling Stones songs, such as "Ruby Tcesday" and "Get Off Df Hycolud." Donated — regifted, actually — by Hall of Fame Loser Elden Carnahan, who won it in Week 599 (2005). It was originally donated by Robin Diallo, who'd found it in New Delhi, though the wrapping on the belt had Chinese lettering. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 4; results published Aug. 24 (online Aug. 21). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1082" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Michael Ostapiej. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / ^ The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Let's dash over to the Hyphen the Terrible neologisms from Week 1078! Week 1078 was another installment of our age-old contest in which the Empress asked readers to find two hyphenated words or terms in the same edition of a publication, then combine the halves of them into a new term. Since Web sites don't usually break lines to make the columns line up, online readers had far fewer hyphens to choose from; perhaps that's why we didn't get the deluge of entries that our neologism contests usually draw. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial *BEAUtiful + POLitics: Beau-pol:* A charming, intelligent and thoughtful politician who, after leaks of toxic material about his life, turns out to be a disaster. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) 2nd place and the "We the People Are Piffed" T-shirt: *ALbums + coLOGNE: Al-logne: Perfume that's guaranteed to keep you from being bothered. (Kevin Dopart, vacationing in Naxos, Greece) 3rd place *AMERIca + disproPORTIONATELY: Ameri-portionately: Super-sized. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) 4th place *EFfort + AfGHANISTAN: Ef-ghanistan: What Americans reply when they're asked about our longest war. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Dash test dummies: honorable mentions *Obvi-state: To say what goes without saying. Example: "The definitition of 'obvi-state' is to say what goes without saying." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Liver-worst: Grain alcohol (Dayna Fellows, Bethesda, Md.) *Disas-terns:* The unpaid summer help that your company will be paying for until next summer. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Man-uments:* The Washington Monument, the Space Needle, the Empire State Building, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, etc. (Mike Gips) *Anonym-pho: One of the whores with no name. (Chris Doyle) *Anonym-pho: A Jane Do. (Kevin Dopart) *Mer-icle:* A Carnival cruise without a catastrophic event. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *Crimi-rich: Ne'er-do-wealthy. (Chris Doyle) *De-pelling: What you'd be doing, fast, if your climbing rope broke. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) *Bos-phemy: Admitting that, okay, Derek Jeter's a pretty good ballplayer. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *Reli-ginia: The ultimate red state. (Kevin Dopart) *Didly-master: Jack of all trades, but . . . (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) *Optimis-hap: Inadvertently sitting on your rose-colored glasses. (Chris Doyle) *Tween-nomics: The ratio of babysitting wages to One Direction ticket prices (Pam Sweeney) *Zam-borghini:* It smooths out a rink in 4.6 seconds. (Frank Osen) *Envi-Mi: The new little Kardashian dog. (Pam Sweeney) *Cy-chologists:* Baseball managers during those trips to the pitcher's mound. (Pam Sweeney) *Bacon-distance:* One degree of separation. (Chris Doyle) *Pre-tween:* That wonderful stage after potty-training and before eye-rolling. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Ex-tween:* A person with the body of a teenager and the judgment of a drunken carp. (Todd DeLap) *Foot-seas:* Innocent activity that could land you in deep water. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Biparti-cult: A tiny, sinister group of congressmen who believe in reaching across the aisle. (Mike Gips) *NBC-plot:* TV writers' term meaning "This story is going nowhere." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Mer-torney:* Half-man, half-fish, all shark. (Mark Raffman, Esq., Reston, Va.) *Flounder-thing: What Tucker Carlson did on "Dancing With the Stars." (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *Goo-getter:* A baby wipe. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Alley-High:* Song from the musical "Souse Pacific." (Barbara Turner) *Num-vee:* Five, to Cicero. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) *Over-sures:* "Hi, sweetheart, your place or mine?" (Mike Gips) *Lame-knock: To callously use the phrase "that's so lame" instead of the more socially acceptable "that's so mobility-challenged." (Jeff Contompasis) *Before-size:* Same as after-size, but not during-size (hopefully). (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Orga-cide:* What a way to go. (Jeff Shirley) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for stupid questions. Seebit.ly/invite1081. Next week's results: Little Piddle Riddle or Wise Guys' Replies Arise,* our contest to supply a riddle whose answer is a rhyming phrase. See bit.ly/invitewk1079 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1083, published August 3, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1083: Good thing there's no app for that Plus the winning crazy rhyme-riddles from Week 1079(Bob Staake for The Washington Post/Maybe this "cauli-tini" app wasn't such a great idea.) By Pat Myers July 31 (Click here to skip down to the winning questions answered in a rhyme from Week 1079.) "— An app for 1,001 great martini recipes — using liquefied cauliflower.* *"— An app to make your phone sound an alarm when you start snoring at work. *"— When a car approaching you has its high beams on, the app makes your windshield automatically screen the light — and curses out the other driver for you. It's been six years since Apple started using the slogan "There's an app for that" to promote the iPhone 3 and the many big and little enhancements that users suddenly couldn't possibly do without. A few months ago, the company announced that the number of available iPhone apps had passed the 1 million mark. Still, we have at least a tentative hunch that there are still some good ideas for apps that don't yet exist — and surely there are some bad ones as well. This week: Offer up an idea for either a humorously useful app or a humorously counterproductive one*, as in the examples above; the second is by Loser Mike Gips, who woke up from his desk-chair daydream long enough to suggest this contest to us one afternoon. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two "Official Barves Bags" — airline-style barf bags decorated with a doctored logo of the Atlanta Braves, whose fans at Turner Field persist indoing the "Tomahawk Chop," waving their arms and foam hatchets and chanting ersatz-Indian-style, making the D.C. football team name positively reverent by comparison. The instructions on the bag, designed and made by Loser John Kupiec: "Spew your opinion of Tomahawk Choppers into bag. When bag is full, dispose properly by presenting it to a Tomahawk Chopper." The Braves play at Nationals Park Sept. 8-10. This prize will be awarded Aug. 28. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" ( FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 11; results published Aug. 31 (online Aug. 28). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1083" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/ InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Jeff Contompasis and Tom Witte; Jeff also wrote "Misfit Wit" in the subhead introducing the results, while Tom also wrote the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / ^ The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . MISFIT WIT: THE Q'S AND RHYMING A'S FROM STYLE INVITATIONAL WEEK 1079: For Week 1079, the Empress resurrected an ancient Invite contest and asked once again for you to write a question whose answer consisted entirely of rhyming words. Some of our contests over the years have produced satire so lacerating that debate ensued whether it qualified as humor. Well, Week 1079 is emphatically not one of these contests. It's just ingeniously silly fun. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: Q. What did Lovey shriek to Thurston when the Professor emerged from skinny dipping in the lagoon on Gilligan's island? *A. "Towel the nerd, Howell the Third!" (Rachel Bernhardt, Silver Spring, Md.) 2nd place /and the magnetic woman-and-sniffing-dog salt-and-pepper shakers: / What's a flowery but accurate way to describe the Three Stooges? *A sassin' trinity of asininity. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 3rd place How did Paula Deen, in full Georgia drawl, respond to Chris Wallace's interview question "What car do you drive these days?"* "Prius, Chris." (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) 4th place What's the four-year news cycle in Iowa? *Ag, ag, ag, gag. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Middling riddling: honorable mentions What's the new appliance gadget designed to discourage nibbling between meals? *Black & Decker Snackin' Wrecker.* (Mae Scanlan) What was the frightfully successful new line at the Big & Tall store? *King Kong's string thongs. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Can you summarize "Moby-Dick" in five words? *Sail. Trail pale whale. Fail. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) "You're tired of watching soccer, Daddy? Let's watch Yogi Bear, okay? Come on, why not?" *"Boo-boo's stale as vuvuzelas."* (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) What does a politically correct Snyder family member do? *Dreads kin's Washington football team. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) When the Red Sox bet the Yankees a cake that they'd repeat last year's success, what was the result? *Boston lost 'n' tossed in frostin'.* (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) What order does Nadya Suleman take at her new job at the podiatrist's office? *"Octomom, stock toe balm."* (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) What comes in the Fivesome Package at the best little whorehouse in Texas? *Four Yellow Rose bordello pros.* (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) What's the name of the charity event at White Oak Lanes for awareness of inflammatory bowel disease?* Swollen-Colon Bowlin'* (Dave Savolaine, Kensington, Md., a First Offender) What world leader had to modify his diet, and why? *Putin: Gluten tootin'. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) What is something that starts mysteriously, spreads rapidly and can't be killed? *Rumor tumor.* (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) What need might you understand this to? *Yoda decoda.* (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) What do you hope Michael Phelps doesn't wear to his wedding? *Speedo tuxedo.* (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) What's the unofficial motto of Scranton, Pa.? *Yo, pride in Joe Biden.* (Kevin Dopart) When the detective discovered the culprit was a street dancer, what did he say? *"Perp's a plebeian terpsichorean." (Mae Scanlan) What's ESPN's idea for ratings-grabbing women's table tennis? *Thong Pong!* (Rick Haynes) What did ABC order George Stephanopoulos to do when he took over "Good Morning, America"? *Sour Lauer power!* (Christopher Lamora) What's that you won at the county fair — a lifetime supply of carbonated cattle drinks?! *Ever-present effervescent heifer present!* (Joel Golden, Fort Washington, Md., a First Offender) What do you call someone who protests the mammogram booth at the women's health fair? Breast-test fest pest. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) What will a faster Internet connection get you? *Speedia Wikipedia. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) What was the headline after boxes of pornographic playing cards from South of the Border were sent to the White House? *Prex Inspects Tex-Mex Sex Decks!* (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) How do you cheer for your favorite soccer player, Brazil's Neymar? *"Shoot beaut boot, cute hirsute brute — woot woot!"* (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) What do L.A. Clippers fans hope to be doing? *Hurling Sterling.* (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) What did Maria tweet after she confronted Arnold about his affair? *"Just discussed lust, trust — nonplussed!"* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) **What do you call overmedicating an ADHD child? *Riddlin' a little 'un with Ritalin. (Jon Gearhart) Why did the interfaith group serve roast squab at its first dinner? *A smidgen of pigeon's a bridge in religion. (Mae Scanlan) What's that Las Vegas hotel with two bathtubs in every room? *Cialis Palace.* (Douglas Raybeck, Amherst, Mass.) Did you hear the story about the roller derby queen who left her disapproving husband for the fry cook at McDonald's?* "Later, skater hater!" Tater waiter, date 'er, mate 'er!* (Mark Raffman) What's the hospital staff's nickname for an angiogram? *Heart fart chart.* (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) What do you call the chorus of snarky fashion comments by Joan Rivers et al. at red-carpet events? Prada/Escada yadda-yadda schmatte cantata.* (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) What's it called when you put your right hand in, put your right hand out, clutch your throat and grin, and pretend you're passing out? *Jokey chokey hokey-pokey. (Chris Doyle) What celebrity-owned restaurant chain fared even worse than Macho Camacho's Nachos? *Lynyrd Skynyrd's Innards.* (Christopher Lamora) What do deli owners in Leipzig use to protect their smoked salmon? *Bach's Lox Box Locks.* (Timothy Kloth, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) ** Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest to change the name of a music performer slightly and describe the new act. See bit.ly/invite1082 . Next week's results: McGonagall With the Wind,* or Woetry, our contest for comically bad tragic odes (on not really tragic subjects) in homage to William Topaz McGonagall, considered by some critics to be the worst poet ever. See bit.ly/invite1080* . ====================================================================== WEEK 1084, published August 10, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1084: Fi-, fo- ... go! It's Limerixicon XI Plus the winning bad poems from our McGonagall contest Perhaps it's not the best demonstration of the term "finicky," but we like the exquisite balance of the tentacle. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers August 7 (Click here to skip down to the bad-poetry results of Week 1080) *Little Junior's a finicky kid, So we keep foods' identities hid With deception and games And exotic-type names — "Calamari" sounds better than "squid." *(Brendan Beary, Week 678, 2006) ** This week's winning and Losing Style Invitational entries, the results of Week 1080, are masterpieces of Bad Poetry, not only rife with dumb or inappropriately stated subject matter, but often also comically failing to rhyme correctly or stay even close to meter. The Empress hopes you've had quite enough of that looseness, this cavalier disregard for structure. Because it's time for you cavaliers to saddle up and commence a crisp canter: It's our 11th Limerixicon, our annual tip of the cursor toOEDILF.com, the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, as founder Chris Strolin and his band of volunteer writers and editors continue their quest to create one or more limericks featuring every word in the English language, one sliver of the alphabet at a time. "ƒLast August, the 'Dilfers had passed the 80,000 mark as they worked on words beginning fa-; now more than 87,000 have been approved (predicted finish date: Dec. 12, 2043). Let's give them some more material: Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any English word, name or term beginning with "fi-" through "fo-,"* as in the example above by Brendan Beary, which he submitted as part of a very cool two-man"Limerick Smackdown" with fellow Hall of Fame Loser Chris Doyle. See /wapo.st/InviteLim / for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell: "perfect" rhyme, and a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm in Lines 1, 2 and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; plus "weak" syllables on either side). See OEDILF.com about submitting limericks there after this contest is over. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a talking Pee-wee Herman doll ("What's up? Made you look"; "I know you are, but what am I"), which was awarded to Elden Carnahan for his win of Week 82 in 1994, and regifted to us this year, perhaps having been played with long ago by his now-married daughters. It's a little worn — so give it a rest, eBay vultures — and you have to control the string on Pee-wee's back to get discernible words. But what's more important is that his arms move just fine. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" ( FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 18; results published Sept. 7 (online Sept. 4). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1084" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Ode dear! The bad poetry of Week 1080: Week 1080 was a tribute to the 19th-century Irishman William Topaz McGonagall, thought by many, even in his own time, to be the worst poet in the English language. McGonagall specialized in wildly overwrought musings on some tragedy or other, almost always in shaky meter, strained rhyme and just plain bad writing. So we asked for bad poems about "a modern tragedy" à la McGonagall — and wouldn't you know it, a bunch of them were just too /good: /They were on silly subjects, true, but they were clever and polished with good rhymes and meter, like these last lines of Nan Reiner's lament for a clogged toilet: I seek the flush, the filling rush, blue waters sanitizing; Instead I see late parts of me, inexorably rising. I turn my head and flee in dread: I know, too well, what's coming. I'd barter now three years of Law for just one course in Plumbing. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /*On Not Being Invited to Kim and Kanye's Wedding* / I knew it was coming, keeping up's been my passion That special invite from the family Kardashian. When it didn't arrive, as yet another week started, My heart, it was rent, and my soul near departed. So I went to my sister's third wedding in Torrance Instead of that very special one in the city of Florence. And the memory of my sister's party, OMG, how it pales, With the one where my heart was, in the Chateau de Versailles. (Thomas Blain, Burke, Va., a First Offender) 2nd place and the squeeze-a-poop gorilla key chain from the National Zoo: /*The Hello Kitty Disposable Travel Mug Mishap* / Baseball fans have an improbable Liking for souvenir heads that are bobbable. Recently, Dodgers fans were booing, Though the team avoided losing. What turned them into such grouches Was being given vouchers Exchangeable for one Hello Kitty Disposable mug, which is pretty disappointing. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place /*Whenst Eldrick?* / Thy dimpled orb did once flyeth true Nestling on yon dewy, verdant acreage Yet now, pesky holes, they do your ball eschew As errant putts yield to steamy-eared rage. Could it be o'er now, toothless Tiger W.? For a barn's broad side fears not your barrage. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) 4th place /*Tragedy in Brazil* / A terrible thing has happened in Rio de Janeiro That attracted a lot more attention than the proverbial fall of a sparrow. And that is, the World Cup was not won by Brazil, Which, in that vast extremely large country, didn't sit well. The U.S. of America didn't win it either, Which upset most of us who live here, including our leader. Instead, the coveted Cup was won by Germany. Criminy! (Mae Scanlan, Washington) No scan do: honorable mentions ** /*Train Delay* / Here we sit on the motionless Metros, Trying to get to see the Nats-O's. Oh, great — the lights just went off, In the dark someone went cough. To add to my wrath/gloom, Now I have to go to the bathroom. If by Metro we are kept delayin', They'll call the game on account of the train. (Jonathan Greene, Ellicott City, Md., a First Offender) /*NPR Cancels My Favorite Show* / My soul is in a position of prostration I remain heartbroken over the cancellation of "Talk of the Nation" TOTN was an acronym that I adored But now from the lovely theme music I am, and we all are, unmoored The callers would phone in In hopes of speaking with Neal Conan The super info and topics; on Wednesdays was "Political Junkie" Now this universe (from the radio) will get no smarter; we are a mass of dial-spinning flunky. (Sandy Moran, Santa Rosa, Calif.) /*On Discovering There Are No Condiments at the Cookout* / O, poor, naked hot dog, with nothing to embellish it! No ketchup, no mustard. I do not relish it. (Frank Osen) /*The Fall of Eric Cantor* / Of all sad tales of song or pen, I think the saddest happened on June 10, 2014, when I could no longer bring home the bacon,| Because I lost my primary to some guy who teaches at Randolph-Macon. No more am I House majority leader! Now I just hang around and refill the bird feeder, Even though no one was better at blasting Obama over some petty spat! How could the voters of my district have wanted a bigger Brat? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) ** /*Ode to Odes* / Fair poesy, alas, you're now archaic; You're way down there on the charts with Aramaic. Once anapests and iambs were ubiquitous, But now poets write any ol' way, and it's ridiculous! Their "rhymes" could make you cry (like chopping onions); Their metric feet are suffering from bunions. I wish I'd been around in days of Milton, 'Cause poets these days sound more like Paris Hilton. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; this was almost disqualified for the excellent "bunions" line) /*Not Quite 'Modern,' but . . . / The Titanic hit an iceberg, and lots of people died. People drowned, and those who didn't cried. It was cold in the water, which isn't very funny. And then there's that Céline Dion song that Kept going on and on like the Energizer Bunny. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) /*The Stolen Tillamook Minivans* / 'Twas a muensterous crime, when some curd made a-whey With three Tillamook Cheese vans around Monterey. Cops were soon on the queso, and right on his heels, They ricotta all of the hijacked cheese wheels. The thief smelled a trappe, said "Cheese it!" And bleu, Leaving one stolen van, burned when fondue. But police still Maytag him, now that they're tracking Al "Mas" Carpone, for the Monterey-jacking. (Frank Osen) /*Tapped Out / The good ship Lollipop has sunk, its bow is breached, its hull is torn, the mighty craft is shipwrecked junk, and now my heart's forlorn. Oh for those innocent days of yore when life was pure and simple, but Shirley Temple comes no more: she's dead down to each dimple. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) /*The (Rear) End / Her iPhone jammed, like raspberries mashed upon the rocks, As she swiveled her hips, not like those round things on rose bushes, To take another selfie of her bulbous buttocks, The mounds the world's seen most among all tushes. A day could not go by, as days will do, without a shot of Kim's gluteus max. Her pimping Mommy could ne'er relax if such a horror would occur, It was her bread and butter (or at least her butt) that paid the taxes And brought fame to the talentless, embalmed facade like hers. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) /*The Loss of William Topaz McGonagall* / We mourn the death of this Scottish master of rhyme and acclaimed tragedian; No poet of his caliber shall ever on Earth be seen again. To celebrate the genius from the brain that is William McGonagall, What will allow me to emulate his style of verse? A gin and tonic'll. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) /*Team Loser's Tragic Loss in the Washington Post Hunt* / A picture of Massachusetts was all that was needed To send the winning text and have victory to us ceded. What a day it would have been to have some winning Losers But those who write for fun, you see, are not the quickest movers. (Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for humorous phone apps. See bit.ly/invite1083 . Next week's results: It's the Stupidity, Stupid,* or 64 Dullard Questions,* our contest for dumb questions like some of those posted to Yahoo Answers. See bit.ly/invite1081 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1085, published August 17, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1085: Eww-venirs Ideas for gift shops at various sites, plus the winning and Losing stupid questions From a Beijing gift shop: An acid-rain globe. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers August 14 at 3:17 PM (Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1081, our stupid-question contest) *At a Beijing souvenir stand: An acid-rain globe. (Mike Gips) *At the State Department gift shop: A gift bottle of whitewash.* (Elden Carnahan) *At the Studio 54 gift shop: One of those souvenir spoons, but a really little one. (Mike Gips) (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) A New York Post article this past May, about the new gift shop at the World Trade Center memorial site — featuring right at Ground Zero such tasteful mementos as a "Darkness Hoodie," a New York Fire Department dog vest and various toy rescue vehicles — was predictably delicious fodder for a few Loser wags of the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group. In a thread stretching through dozens of comments, they took turns speculating on the /worst/ souvenirs for the shop, as well as for other hallowed sites. The Devotees hoped there wasn't a WTC Jenga and proceeded to become even more tasteless in discussing other memorials, way beyond even the Invite pale (which is set at about the Inner Mongolia of tastefulness). But Loser Mike Gips suggested a way to salvage the idea: This week: Suggest a humorous — but NOT horribly tasteless — tchotchke, T-shirt, etc., from a real or imagined gift shop at a particular tourist site, as in the examples above. You're free to make your entry funnier by adding a humorous description or comment about it. Can you meet the challenge of being funny without being patently offensive? And what's offensive? It's a judgment call, of course, and you got your judge right here. In general, recent tragedies tend to be rawer than ancient history, and in any case it's not necessary to raise the "too soon?" question at all in your entry. Let's just mention this right off: /The results will be published online Sept. 11./ So the Empress has a nifty idea: No 9/11. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a souvenirish Gift Pack: a snow dome of the Titanic (commemorating the snowstorm that sank it?), donated by Cheryl Davis, plus a handsome canvas Titanic tote bag with the White Star Line flag,. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" ( FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 25; results published Sept. 14 (online Sept. 11). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1085" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead and the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line are both by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *Note:* In last week's results of the "McGonagall" poems, the Empress dopily referred to the famously terrible Mr. McG as an Irishman. He was a Scot. Our apologies to all Irishmen. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . So where should we put the stupid-question results? The winner and Losers of Week 1081 In Week 1081 the Empress asked you to give us some stupid questions that would be even funnier than the sincerely stupid ones on the Yahoo Answers site. As with last week's bad-poetry results, some entries were disqualified for not being stupid enough; the best of these was from Rob Huffman: If NASA could put a man on the moon, why couldn't they make a better fake orange juice than Tang? The winner of the Inkin' Memorial How do you say "Don't claw the sofa" in Siamese? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 2nd place and the breast-shaped milk mug I don't understand those "take a penny/leave a penny" jars near cash registers. If you take somebody's penny and leave one of your own, then what's the point? (Scott Poyer, Annapolis, Md.) 3rd place Do these new glasses make my brain look big? — Rick Perry, Austin (Gary Crockett) 4th place Why do people argue about which came first: the chicken or the egg? Everyone knows you need a chicken to produce an egg! (Frank Mann, Washington) Past their d'oh date: honorable mentions Can I still clap along if I feel like a room without a ceiling ? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) I have a friend who's been blind since birth: how do I describe green to her — sort of like blue, but prettier? (Asher Roth, Broadlands, Va., a First Offender) Is SPF-50 enough protection for when you're on a tanning bed? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) I'm a vegetarian, so I wondered if I need to take that bloody thing out of green olives. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) What's with this letter from my bank saying there's no money in my checking account? I still have LOTS of checks in my checkbook! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) When the Soviet Union went back to being Russia, did the people have to learn how to speak Russian again after being Soviets all those years? (Irene Plotzker, Wilmington, Del.) Can I save twice as much on my car insurance if I take 30 minutes? (Mark Raffman) I know chicken fingers are really made from the toes, since, duh, chickens don't have fingers. But where do the nuggets come from? Is it the stuff they. . . ew, is that even sanitary? (Gregory Koch, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) Was Johns Hopkins University named for twins? (Gary F. Suggars, Baltimore, a First Offender) Remember Patty Hearst's kidnappers? I know they freed her, but what I want to know is did they ever liberate Symbia, or was it taken over by another country? (Mike Duffy, Butte, Mont.) Why would two years of damning e-mail simply disappear? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) My prescription bottle says, "Do not operate heavy machinery." Will Obamacare pay for someone to do my laundry? (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) How do all my neighbors get their dogs to poop into their Washington Post bags? I can never get the timing right with Ginger. Does anyone else have this problem, or is it just cockapoos? (Ivars Kuskevics. Takoma Park, Md.) Where I drive into the parking garage at work, a bar hangs down that says "Clearance 6'8"." It would be a lot higher without the bar. Why don't they just take it down? (Charlene Fischer Jehle, Ocean View, Del., a First Offender) Can anyone tell me where Nota Republic is? I can't find it on a map and I need to go there before the bank takes my car. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) If your life flashes before your eyes when you're dying, well, suppose you did a whole lot of stuff — will it be a really long flash, or it just doesn't get all the way through, or what? (Steve Honley, Washington) I want to see "A Christmas Carol" at Ford's Theatre, but do you really think it's safe? I heard they had a bad incident there. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Has anyone brought a stepladder up Mount Everest to set a new record? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Is it insensitive to tell light-bulb jokes to a blind person? (Dave Letizia, Alexandria, Va.) If I take several pills at once for different problems, how does my stomach know where to send each one? (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) My neighbor got a shiatsu massage chair — why would anyone buy special equipment just to rub the belly of a hairy little dog? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Why do people sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," when they're already at the ballgame? (John Kupiec, Fairfax, Va.) Shouldn't Fiber One cereal be called Fiber Two? (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) Why are there no seats at bus stops that have "No Standing" signs right on the pole? (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Since dogs can hear sounds humans can't, might they be talking to us, but we just can't hear them? (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) If you get abducted and probed by an alien, and it doesn't use protection, can you get AIDS? (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) Where can I buy a cheap defibrillator? It's really kind of urgent. (Gregory Koch) How can you tell a male hurricane from a female? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) The Eggland's Best package advertises "Vegetarian Fed Hens." Does that mean the hens are fed by vegetarians, or are they fed vege-tarians instead? (Jeff Contompasis) If our government owes all this debt, why doesn't it just make more money — I mean, hello, it OWNS A MINT. (Fred Gray, Springfield, Va., a First Offender) Where does The Style Invitational get its jokes from? Is it the Internet? I bet it is, because sometimes I see the same stuff there that's in the Invitational. (Luther Jett, Washington Grove, Md., a First Offender) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our annual Limerixicon limerick contest. See bit.ly/invite1084 .* *Next week: Band on the Pun, or LollapaLosers,* our contest to slightly alter the name of a band or music performer and describe the result. See bit.ly/invite1082 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1086, published August 24, 2014 WEEK 1086: PLAYING THE DOZENS Textravaganza: Bob Staake's play on a 12-letter word for Style Invitational Week 1086. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers August 21 (Click here to skip down to the results of our contest to slightly change the name of a music group.) *Textravaganza: A previously enjoyable family dinner. *Extravaganja: Rocky Mountain Highest.* * *Exbravaganza: At this women's festival, they're letting it all hang out. But it's an unofficial Loser T-shirt, this week's second prize. Along with the limericks and the horse names and the Your Mama jokes, The Style Invitational never strays too long from one neologism contest or another. The last one was eight weeks ago, when we asked you to combine halves of two hyphenated words in the paper; now we're back to a variation of our famous change-by-one-letter contest, this one suggested by Chris Doyle, the highest-scoring Loser ever: *1. Start with any 12-letter word, name or multi-word phrase.* *2. Add one letter OR drop one letter OR substitute another letter OR switch the positions of two letters to create a new term, as in the examples above.* (Adding or dropping will result in a 11- or 13-letter term.) *3. Define or describe the result humorously.* You might use the word in a funny sentence. You might also use the word in an unfunny sentence, if you'd like the Empress to roll her eyes and fill her wastebasket further. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a T-shirt that, while not one of our official Loser T-shirts, is a handsome school-bus-yellow T-shirt that says, "It's Official! You're a Loser." Which is close. Donated by Invite Hall of Famer Elden Carnahan, who also gave us a huge stack of various Loser T-shirts he'd won since Year 1 (we're now in Year 22). We'll continue to offer those (dust) collector's items occasionally as runner-up prizes. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 1; results published Sept. 21 (online Sept. 18). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1086" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis; the alternative headline for the "next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . BAND ON THE PUN: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1082: In Week 1082, we asked you to slightly change the name of a music performer or band and then describe it in some way, such as what song the band played. The Empress received a deluge of some 2,200 suggestions — a SXSW of name puns. A number of great names weren't quite matched by their descriptions; among them are Keith Suburban, Sid Viscous, Creche Test Dummies, Lynryd Cohen, Sheryl Cro-Magnon, Minivan Halen, Duron Duron, Carport Convention, the Siberian Trans Orchestra, Eric Clap, Lycan Tina Turner, the Tijuana Bris, the Filth Dimension, the Bee Geez Us, Miley Vyrus* and*David Owie. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: * Kerry & the Peacemakers: *Nobody bought his "We Can Work It Out," so he's currently singing a cover of "When Doves Cry." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the belt decorated with misspelled Rolling Stones songs *Tennessee Ernie Fraud: *Aha! Company store records show that he actually loaded only 15 tons! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3rd place *Iron, Maiden: A notoriously anti-feminist band. (J. Calvin Smith, Talking Rock, Ga.) 4th place *NORAD Jones's big hit was "Bomb Away With Me." (Marc Shapiro, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) Bottom 40: honorable mentions *The Village Peephole: Hmm, maybe you /don't/ want to stay at the YMCA . . . (Beverley Sharp) *The Chris Christie Minstrels: Mistakenly believed to have recorded "Bridge Over Troubled Water." (Joe Godles, Bethesda, Md.) *Pink Freud: "Hey! Teacher! Leave them ids alone." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Olivia Neutron-Bomb: Her music won't break a glass, but it kills any human who happens to hear it. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) *Paxl Rose: * This star of Guns 'N Doses opened the Pharm Aid concert. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Naomi & Wynonna Fudd: Dazzling crowds with "Wockin' With the Whythm of the Wain." (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *They Might Be Gents: Cross-dressing alternative rock band. (Jill Renkey, Frederick, Md.) *Crosby Steals Hash of Young: Possibly the reason the band broke up. (Jay Cummings, Greenbelt, Md.) *OREO Speedwagon: They hit No. 1 with "Can't Fight This Filling." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *NoXS: They would be most grateful for a cup of water in the greenroom, and any color M&M's, please. (Jeffrey Wolfson, Potomac, Md.) *The Bee Pees: This "pop" act recorded "How Can You Mend a Broken Well?" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) ** Run-D.M.V.: They're surly as hell, but people still wait for hours in line to see them. (Mark Raffman) ** The Fifth Dementia: "Would you like to ride on my beautiful baboon?" (Beverley Sharp) *Dionne Warlock hit it big with "That's What Fiends Are For." (Dann Sklarew, Arlington, Va.) *Urp, Wind & Fire: They did the new Taco Bell jingle. (Andy Schotz, Thurmont, Md., a First Offender) *Alices in Chairs:* This old-school group literally rocks! (Margaret Welsh, Oakton, Va.; Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *Johnny C. Ash: He actually fell into a ring of fire. (Chris Doyle; Christopher Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) *Maria Callous bitterly wrote Jackie about her ex, Aristotle Onassis: "Beware of Greeks wearing lifts." (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Kraft-Twerk: German synth rock with "Shake das Booty." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *The Five Stains: They had that big doo-wop hit "In the Spill of the Night." (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Frank Snotra: Ol' Red Nose is back! (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *Dank Sinatra: "I've Got You Under My Sink." (Roy Ashley) * Crazy Hoarse recently celebrated when Tom Waits lost his copyright infringement lawsuit against them. (John Shea, Philadelphia) * The Belch Boys: Their hits included "Burpin' U.S.A." and "The Little Old Lady With Gas Edema" (Mark Raffman) *Cialis Cooper: "I'm Eighteen (plus 48)." (Seth Tucker, Washington) *Gurney: The reinvented power-pop band scored with the seniors' rock anthem "Please Stop Relievin'." (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) *Boston Pop Orchestra: Famed for its rendition of the "1812" Overture with giant rolls of bubble wrap. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *Paul Sanka: Did a hit cover of "Waking Up Is Hard to Do." (Roy Ashley) *The Bland: Gentle Americana like "The Night They Drove Aunt Dixie Down to the Supermarket." (John Shea) *Nixon Airplane:* They topped the charts with "Somebody to Kick." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Borenaked Ladies:* They leave behind disappointed groupies wherever they tour. (Pam Sweeney) *Tammy Whynot: She stood by her man — and everyone else's. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Gordon Leadfoot* : "The Wreck of Edmund Fitzgerald's Ferrari." (Steve McClemons, Arlington, Va.) *FLABBA:* Toothsome Swedes hit it big with "Dairy Queen" and "Can't Get My Pants on Me." (Rob Huffman; Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) *AABBA:* Their biggest hit began, "There once was a boy named Fernando. . ." (Mark Raffman) *The Violent Phlegms* and *Public Enema:* For some reason, no one buys front-row tickets to their concerts. (Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *The Self-Righteous Brothers: How DARE you lose that lovin' feelin'! (Steve McClemons) *Ke¢ha: Her manager is from theColonel Tom Parker Talent Agency. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Adele Dazeem: *"See, I only altered her name slightly . . . isn't it obvious?!" — J. Travolta (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) *Cyndi Pauper: Famed for "Dime After Dime" and Girls Just Wanna Have Funds." (Jon Gearhart) *Cyndi Leper:* Her career peaked with "Toe after Toe." Then everything fell apart. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) *The Polite:* "I'll be watching you, as long as it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable." (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) /And Last:/ Ink Floyd:* "We don't need no erudition, we don't need no taste control. . . " (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for ideas for souvenirs from real and imagined gift shops. See bit.ly/invite1085. *Next week's results: Everybody Get Appy, or Game of Phones,* a contest for imagined new apps. See bit.ly/invite1083 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1087, published August 31, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1087: The core ridiculum — courses you'd like to see Plus the winning and Losing ideas for phone apps Want to be schooled by Bob Staake? He'll be speaking and signing books Saturday at the National Book Festival in Washington. See the Style Conversational at bit.ly/conv1087 for details and to join a "Staake Pack" to meet him. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers August 28 (Click here to skip down to the winners of Week 1083, our contest for funny phone apps) *ENGL 001: Lit Lite.* Face it, the only time you're ever going to discuss literature is on a date or at a cocktail party. This course covers the CliffNotes for 20 books you're never going to read: "Moby Dick," "Ulysses," "The Sound and the Fury," etc. Learn that Ahab vs. the whale represents man vs. nature, and on to the next volume. Three multiple-choice quizzes. (Mike Gips) *LANG 238: Ancient Voices.* Who were the Ink Spots? Country Joe and the Fish? What does "nanu-nanu" mean? Intense immersion into the language and culture of the late 20th century ago will enable the student to understand and converse with older relatives and prospective employers. Prerequisite for all INTN (Internship) classes. (Doug Frank, Week 626, 2005) We go back to school today, revisiting a contest we did almost a decade ago, at the suggestion of Loser Mike Gips, who figures that for a couple of hundred thousand dollars, a college ought to teach you something you can use In Real Life. This week: Come up with a comical class (any type of school) and provide a course catalogue description,* as in the examples above. MLA style is not required. Brought back from a Beijing Walmart by Loser Larry Neal, this week's second prize. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives something Loser Larry Neal bought at a Walmart — in Beijing: It's a bag of Great Value Scarlet Caterpillar Fungus , complete with that Walmart Great Value no-brand logo. The Encyclopedia of Traditional Chinese Medicines says it's used "to supplement lung and boost kidney"; we think you'd best do that by using it as a little back pillow. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 8; results published Sept. 28 (online Sept. 25). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1087" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The "WryPhones""‚subhead is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . WryPHONES: APP"‚IDEAS"‚FROM"‚WEEK"‚1083: In Week 1083, we asked you to suggest a humorously useful — or counterproductive — phone app. Some people suggested truly practical apps that probably exist and certainly should, like one that maps out large supermarkets and parking lots; one that listens to a foreign language and translates it; and one that tells you how many jumping jacks you'll have to do to burn off the cookie you're thinking of eating. (Four weeks ago, we credited this contest to Mike Gips, forgetting that Loser Mark Richardson had suggested it long before. The Empress gives a lousy one star to that Stuff From the Losers app.) The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Instagramma: Special filters hide evidence of drug and alcohol use, and add clothing to cover the naughty bits. Now /any/ picture can be sent to Nana. Buy the Pro and colorize everyone in the picture to match Grandma's ethnicity! (Robert Falk, Takoma Park, Md.) 2nd place and the 'Barves Bags' to fill and give to Atlanta Braves fans doing that Tomahawk Chop thing: *Where's My Phone?: I am providing here, free of charge, the coding for my new app: /on tap( ) : display "Right Here!"/ (John Kammer, South Riding, Va.) 3rd place *The Teh:* An app that un-autocorrects your texts so it makes people think you're busier than you really are. Danny Gallagher, Frisco, Tex., a First Offender) 4th place *Due Process: An app to preserve constitutional guarantees when dealing with law enforcement. If an officer approaches, quickly draw your mobile device from a purse or pocket and you'll get what you rightfully deserve. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The appy medium: honorable mentions *Streaming Media tells you what portions of the movie you're missing while you're in the bathroom. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *What's Grandma Saying translates cursive writing into plain block letters. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *iInhale: Every 10 seconds, chimes remind the user to breathe. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *The SimuMater* provides a CGI image of the baby you would have with the guy who just asked for your number — get the deluxe version for preschool admission odds. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Bjudblvx Squre* translates Metrorail announcements into clear standard English in real time. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *FixFox:* Visiting Gramps? This app offers real-time, subtitled corrections to all Fox News stories. (Frank Osen) ** The Booth:* A Ma Bell surrogate app that creates a 7-foot-tall, 3­foot-wide cylinder of dense fog, allowing Superman, once again, to change in privacy. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) *Swig & Share* keeps tabs on your blood alcohol level until it hits .08, then starts sending transcripts of all your texts to /damnyouautocorrect.com/. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Lalalalala:* You input a list of forbidden topics — Justin Bieber, Benghazi, "Duck Dynasty," etc. Then it issues white noise to cover up when anyone mentions a banned topic, and blanks out the offending text on your screen. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) *'Hit & Run* alerts you that a diaper is in the process of being dirtied; comes with a list of excuses you can give your spouse to account for your hasty departure. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Just Do It* detects the announcement at a concert that patrons should turn off their phones — and would turn off the phone. (David Williams, Dunbar, W.Va.) *Ahem:* A classroom app that displays a flashing "MY EYES ARE UP HERE" when a student looks at the phone during a lecture. (Kathy Cutler, Dickerson, Md., a First Offender) *The Emotican't:* Wipe that smile off your text with this emoticon remover. (Harry Farkas, Columbus, Ohio) *Ticked-Off Flying Squirrels:* Don't get bored playing the same old games: In this all-new app, you fling Ticked-Off Flying Squirrels at Evil Sheep! (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Reality Check: Point your phone's camera at someone you would like to date, and the app automatically calculates your chances on a scale of Def to NITL. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Happy Trigger* will launch your surface-to-air missiles remotely, so long as there is a 51 percent chance the target is military. (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) *Stage Fright B Gone* provides public speakers with X-ray images of audience members in their underwear. (Mark Raffman) *Step on It* measures your speed for a particular stretch of road. Compare your score against others on our leaderboard and earn badges! (Not responsible for visits by actual badges.) (John Kammer) *What's-the-Fourteen-One-One?:* An informative app about events in this 15th-century year such as the Battle of Harlaw and the death of artist Paolo di Giovanni Fei. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *Future Tat* will analyze a picture of that tattoo you are about to get for how deformed it will become over time after expanding, sagging, etc. Prevents that cute little butterfly from metamorphosing into an attacking pterodactyl. (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.) *Just Chill* electrically paralyzes the user's jaw muscles every time it senses an imminent sarcastic retort brewing. (Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.) ** Oral Intelligence Test:* Just lick the screen of your phone and it tells you your IQ. (It's actually just a Magic 8-Ball-type generator, but it's a fun, photo-friendly way to get your friends to lick their phones. Which is why "inconclusive, try again" comes up 3 out of 5 times. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *The Spoiler Spoiler* blocks all references to sporting events you are DVR'ing and shows you haven't watched yet. (Mark Raffman) *YelpHelp screens reviews for fakes. It must really work — it's got five stars! (Danielle Nowlin) ** The Clickbaiter:* An editor types a proper news headline, and the app gives you "You Won't Believe What Happened When These Nine Judges Spent a Day Talking About Federal Labor Laws."(Josh Feldblyum, Louisville) *App Endectomy:* Save big bucks with these cut-by-cut, stitch-by-stitch self-surgery instructions. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Throes:* An audible battery level indicator that increases in histrionics from "I'm getting a little low" to "I'M DYING! I'M DYING! (Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) *Kismet!: An app that identifies for you, from among all the women on the planet, the one you're meant to spend the rest of your life with — and then sends her a picture of your junk. (Mark Raffman) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest to make a new term from a 12-letter word or multi-word term. See bit.ly/invite1086. *Next week's results: Limerixicon XI,* or Give Us FIve,* our contest for limericks featuring words that begin with fi- through fo-. See bit.ly/invite1084 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1088, published September 7, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1088: Our winning F-word limericks! (No, not that F-word.) Plus a new Ask Backwards contest: We give the answers, you give the questions The Plunger Games, of course. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers September 4 New for Week 1088: Ask Backwards with our answers, your questions(Click here to skip down to this week's winning limericks) **The Plunger Games "— An octopus doing the Hokey Pokey "— Rick Perry's glasses "— A man, a plan, a cannoli "— iPad Thai "— A joyride in a Ferrari "— Not Kim Kardashian, but Kanye West "— A cross-country trip in a Miata "— com.org "— 14, 102 and 39,000 "— Mary had a Little Lemming "— *Romeo and Joliet "— Tysons Coroner "— James and the Giant Brussels Sprout "— A Your Mama joke about a bicycle "— The print version of The Washington Post Forty contests ago, the last time we ran our perennial Ask Backwards — in which we give the answers and you supply the questions — one of the 12 categories was "An answer for the next Ask Backwards." The Empress printed just one entry for that category in the results of Week 1048: "What will cause you to invent several genuinely funny entries while reading the results of the next Ask Backwards?" (Frank Osen). But there were lots of actual suggestions for categories — and eight of them are the asterisked items in the list above (three by Chris Doyle; two by Cheryl Davis; and one each by Howard Walderman, Alex Jeffrey and Barbara Turner). It's the regular drill, but with a few more choices than usual: *Above are 16 answers. You supply the questions to as many of the answers as you like, up to the usual 25 entries total. In your entry, write the answer first, then your question. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. And speaking of milking material from earlier contests: Second place receives one of our favorite items of promotional swag ever, courtesy of the National Pest Management Association: It's Pest World, a set of lacquered wooden Russian-style nesting dolls with various household critters painted on them, all fitting into a pestilent little round house. We were shocked that the initial winner of this prize, in Week 1067, told us not to bother sending it. While the Empress coveted this prize for her own house, Mount Vermin, it demands to be in the home of a genuine Loser. We can't get rid of 'em! Pest World nesting dolls with critters painted on them, our second prize once again. (Actual dead stink bugs added for scale and general yuckiness.) (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 15; results published Oct. 5 (online Oct. 2). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1088" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline for the "next week's results" line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column (published late Thursday afternoons) discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . FROM WEEK 1084: THE FIve-LINERS OF LIMERIXICON XI, Our annual contest to write a limerick featuring a word from one sliver of the dictionary — this year, words beginning fi- through fo- — yielded 848 efforts, a large number of them utterly failing to follow even the mini-nutshell rule that Lines 1, 2 and 5 have to include the rhythm of "hickory-dickory-dock"; and Lines 3 and 4, "dickory-dock." But as always, it doesn't matter if even 800 of them stank up the joint — as long as the rest were this good: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: A new horsemeat to-do! There's no telling That it's clear what our vendors are selling "" Like the sandwich I'd bought From a truck, when I thought *"Filly cheesesteak" was just a misspelling! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 2nd place and the Pee-wee Herman doll: Law enforcement was wrong to endorse Making SWAT teams a matter of course In the war against drugs, Since police become thugs When they make it a habit of force. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3rd place I recall, as we sit by the fireside,* How exciting the life I've led by 'er side: When my football* side scored She'd make love, to reward Not just me, but each man — the entire side. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) 4th place Informality's fine among blokes, Buds and gal-pals, but everyone chokes When the dude who's our prez Quite offhandedly sez, Yeah, too bad that "we tortured some folks." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Lo-fi: honorable mentions The newborn colt's life had just started When the stable boss, cruel and coldhearted, Turned the mare into glue. It's a tale we all rue: Just a foal and his mommy soon parted. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) The middle-aged man sadly said, "I've been losing the hair from my head. And it seems diabolical That every last follicle* Has appeared on my back now, instead!" (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles; we can vouch for the first part but haven't seen his back) Mr. Jones is a fop;* his attire Shows the flair to which many aspire, But with haute couture tweeds From Milan, he exceeds What his ditch-digging job would require. (Brendan Beary) Bruce Wayne gave up trying to raise Young Dick Grayson, who'd run off for days: He'd turn up at the edges Of ornate floral* hedges: The ward lurks in wisteria's maze. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) If to undo a law you connive, Don't ask Congress — they're barely alive. Just go straight to the clowns In the silly black gowns: All you need is to sell it to five.* (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) The McDonnells, with lack of finesse,* Let a pal fill their lives with largess. In return they were shills For his nostrums and pills: Their "oblige" lacked a certain noblesse. (Dan O'Day, Alexandria, Va.) Said the hipster, "It's weird to behold: Vintage clothes leave today's fogies* cold, From checked shirts to knit ties To those hats shaped like pies. Age is wasted, it seems, on the old." (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Some think fornication* is sin. An act they are squarely agin'. But faced with the chance For some no-strings romance, I suspect most would give it a spin. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) I'm aghast at the tasteless depiction Of sex in contemporary fiction: Just impulsive insertion, Agitation, exertion — Hence, as reader, my hopeless addiction. (Hugh Thirlway) I'm not lacking in charm or in wit, And my body is ripped — that's not it — Though I'm perfectly nice Seems the girls won't look twice At a guy who's not fiscally* fit. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Flabellation* just means that you fan, Though my aunt caused a scene in Spokane When the temperature flared, And at church, she declared She would flabellate any hot man. (Frank Osen) At the loss of my hair I am placid, And my beer gut don't raise stomach acid, But big Pharma has learned They'll get all that I've earned By instilling fear that I'll go flaccid.* (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) This Olympian showed us his mettle; For convention he just couldn't settle. It was over the top For the*Fosbury Flop *Also known as "arse over teakettle." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) There once was a Scotsman named Smith, And his penchant for liquor? No myth. He was traveling north On the Firth of the Forth * When he guzzled a* fourth of the fifth.* (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) It's said that one ought to forgive;* It's better to live and let live. But with /some / fools we suffer, That job might be tougher Than pushing cement through a sieve. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Since Kim K. has been*fiscally* shrewd And from time to time physically lewd, Any way you define Our Ms. K's bottom line, There's no doubt that much interest's accrued. (David Swerdloff, Washington) We practice as hard as we can But still there are flukes* we don't plan: The fluffed bump-and-run, The freak hole-in-one, Or when the mis-hit hits the fan. (Graham Lester, Roeland Park, Kan.) This app can send pheromones yonder, And my husband's now off to Rwanda. Hope he calls on the phone When he's feeling alone, Because app scents can make a heart fonder. (Chris Doyle) An excited young fellow named Dan Had big plans for his date with Diane. But as she posed demurely He, quite prematurely, Was finished* before he began. (Craig Dykstra) I kept mum (didn't want him to suffer), When my golfing companion, a duffer, Said his daughter coifs hair In the movies somewhere In L.A., and is now the head fluffer.* (Chris Doyle) Your clothes have been hastily doffed, And your paramour begs to be boffed, You're entwined in the sack, But a member you lack — Drat! It's flaccid* — it's hard to be soft. (Diane Wah, Seattle) A "bosun" is someone who's facile At shortening terms like "fore-castle." That fo'c's'le* is great As the place to relate How your lubberly cap'n's an as'le. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A fiasco's* a total debacle. What example will serve? Oh, Iraq'll. Or a limerick whose rhyme Runs out ere the fifth* line, And you flail* around and eventually give up. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest for novel college courses. See bit.ly/invite1087 . Next week's results: Eww-venirs,* or Improprietors,* ideas for what items might be sold at various real or imagined gift shops. See bit.ly/invite1085. ====================================================================== WEEK 1089, published September 14, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1089: It's E-Z Find-a-Word — your own! (But our way.) Plus the winning bad ideas for gift shop items By Pat Myers September 11 at 3:04 PM **(Click here to skip down to this week's winning bad ideas for souvenirs to be sold at particular gift shops.) *L-7: CHATOX: A substance injected into the face to keep someone from running at the mouth. *D-2: CRUDLET: A little nasty thing that your floss — or your vote — can dislodge. **The Empress was positively chartreuse with envy a few months ago when The Post gave lots of attention to the news that it was reinstating one of its most popular Sunday magazine features: Second Glance, a game in which readers try to figure out what's different between two almost identical photos. The E used to have great fun with a lower-tech version of this game, and would eagerly await her monthly issue of Highlights in the mail. The Style Invitational can't really do such a puzzle — for one thing, our print version is now a wash of gray — so the Empress instead tried to think of something else that might draw lots of eager puzzlers all decked out in their thinking caps. Okay, we were kidding: It's not really a regular word find puzzle. C'mon, now: It's an /Invite /neologism contest. This week: Create a word or multi-word term that consists of adjacent letters — in any direction or several directions — in the grid above, and provide a humorous definition,* as in the examples shown. You may also give an especially clever definition for an existing term you find. You might want to use the word in a funny sentence. (If you're having trouble printing out the grid above, print it from here .) *IMPORTANT: Because the Empress would go batty otherwise, you must state the coordinates of the first letter of your term (e.g., C-12);* the E can trace it from there. Note that the word doesn't have to appear in a straight line;* you may snake your word around the grid as in the game Boggle: Each letter only has to be adjacent to the previous one; it can go forward, backward, up, down, at an angle, changing direction repeatedly, as long as you don't skip over letters or use the same spot on the grid twice. If you don't give me those coordinates, I'm going to skip your word. *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a cheap little paperback book titled "The World's Worst Jokes": "Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because it felt crummy." Yup. Donated by Chronic Loser Tom Witte. (We might be persuaded to also send you one of the prizes listed below.) *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 22; results published Oct. 12 (online Oct. 9). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1089" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . This week: Reflections on how the Invitational reacted after Sept. 11, 2011; plus some gift shop entries that flunked the taste test. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . CREEPSAKES: GIFT SHOP IDEAS FROM WEEK 1085: Inspired by reports of the new Ground Zero gift shop —whose inventory sports 9/11 kitsch ranging from cheese plates to toy rescue vehicles — we asked for humorously bad (or even humorously good) items for real or fictional gift shops. Suggested by too many: NSA souvenir package of your best phone conversations. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial *At the Little Bighorn Battlefield gift shop:* Incredibly lifelike toupees. (Mike Duffy, Butte, Mont.) 2nd place and the Titanic snow dome and tote bag: *At the Detroit Vistors Center:* Buy a cap, snow globe and T-shirt, and they'll throw in a three-bedroom house on a quarter-acre. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) 3rd place *At the Texas election board: An "I Couldn't Vote" sticker. (Randy Arndt, Clarksville, Md.) 4th place *At the Van Gogh Museum: An earmuff. (Steven Steele Cawman, Poughquag, N.Y.) Nixed knacks: honorable mentions *At the NHL Hall of Fame gift shop: The actual teeth of hockey's greatest players. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *At the FedEx Field gift shop: A jersey that says "Washington's NFL Team." (Frank Mann, Washington) *At the Caesars Palace gift shop:* Previously lost shirts. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *At a Paris gift shop: A guillotine-shaped cake cutter that says, "Sorry, we have no bread." (Thomas Young, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) *At the National Enquirer gift shop:* Elvis. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *At the Redskins store:* A Joe Theismann bobble-leg doll. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *At the Richard Nixon Library:* A Nixon-head soccer ball. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *At the Westboro Baptist Church gift shop:* Souvenir closet organizers. (Nancy Schwalb) *At Anthony Weiner's new restaurant: An "I'm With Stupid "†"" T-shirt. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *At the Florida Welcome Center:* Chad globes. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Vendors outside CIA headquarters:* Maps to the homes of the spies. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) *From a gift shop for hajj pilgrims:* "My husband went to Mecca and all I got was this stupid burqa." (Jon Graft, Centreville, Va.) *At the Museum of Constitutional Monarchy gift shop:* A Queen Elizabeth II rubber stamp. (Jeff Contompasis) *At Barnum's American Museum gift shop:* Fresh all-day suckers — restocked immediately! (Jeff Contompasis) Branded-edition Viagra is now available for purchase at the Toronto Space Needle, Washington Monument and Eiffel Tower.* And for half the price, you can buy a Mexican-made knockoff at the Leaning Tower of Pisa. (Jacob Aldridge, Virginia, Australia) *At the Texas governor's mansion shop:* A three-in-one gift set "" hair gel, reading glasses and . . . um . . . (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) To commemorate the 2011 earthquake,*Washington Monument bobbleheads. (John Duffy, Manassas, Va.) *At the Capitol Visitor Center: A mixed bag of Impedi-Mints, Impeach-Mints and Indict-Mints, but no Accomplish-Mints. (Frank Osen) — Congressional inaction figures — collect the whole set of 435. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) — A Capitol dome-shaped lemon squeezer. Twist left, twist right. Repeat until you have a sour taste in your mouth. (Ben Aronin, Washington) — Sausage. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) *At the Museum of Russian History:* The Leon Tchotchke, a bobblehead complete with removable ice pick. (Frank Osen) *At a Mexico City gift shop: Montezuma toilet paper. (Thomas Young) *At the South Korean DMZ gift shop: Your photo taken by a soldier.*At the North Korean DMZ gift shop:* You taken by a soldier. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *At the only gift shop in Siberia:* A snow globe with just snow. No, wait, I think I see a tiny little Edward Snowden figurine in there, too! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *At the Peace Conference Building at Panmunjom: Danceable pinheads (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) *At the Adult Film Museum gift shop:* 10-inch all-day suckers. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *The Empire State Building observation deck: A bucketful of souvenir pennies. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *At the NRA gift shop: A rifle-shaped rattle — baby will love it so much, you won't be able to pry it from his little hands! (Bradley Jamison, South Riding, Va.) *At the Graceland Gift Shop:* "Love Me Tender" condoms. (John Simson, Silver Spring, Md.) *At Ford's Theatre:* An Abe Lincoln penny bank, with its little slot in the back of the head. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) — A Lincoln shot glass. (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.) — The "Too Soon?" Lincoln Assassination Joke Book. (Art Grinath) *At airport duty-free shops:* Custom-sized copies of your full-body scan. (Limited editions of complete strangers also available). (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) ** Available in any Middle Eastern country:* A chess set with pieces that don't do what you think they will. Americans can't resist playing with those things. (Danielle Nowlin) *Next week's results: Playing the Dozens, or The Twelve of Clever,* our neologism contest to change a 12-letter word or other term by adding or deleting a letter, substituting a letter, or transposing two letters. See bit.ly/invite1086. *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our Ask Backwards contest, in which we give you 16 "answers" and you tell us the questions. See bit.ly/invite1088. ====================================================================== WEEK 1090, published September 21, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1090: Talk undirty to us, in a poem with a 'rude-sounding' word Plus the winning neologisms playing on 12-letter words and phrases(The peniaphobe, by Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers September 18 (Click here to skip down to this week's winning neologisms based on 12-letter terms.) My sister is truly a honey But a *peniaphobe, as to money So my sis sells her tail To most anyone male (Which is pretty ironically funny.) **A peniaphobe is someone who's afraid of penury, or of going broke *Aholehole Aktashite Assapanick Assart Bastinado Boobyalla Bum-bailiff Bumfiddler Bummalo Clatterfart Cock-bell Cockchafer Dik-dik Dreamhole Fanny-blower Fartlek Fuksheet Gullgroper Haboob Humpenscrump Invagination Jerkinhead Knobstick Lobcocked Nestle-cock Nicker-pecker Nobber Nodgecock * Pakapoo Peniaphobia Penistone Pershittie Poonga Sack-butt Sexangle Shittah Skiddy-cock Tetheradick Tit-tyrant Wankapin What's the matter with you, anyway, you creep? Why /wouldn't / you assume that a fuksheet is an old term for the foremost sail on a ship, or that a shittah is a tree that's mentioned in the Bible (plural: shittim)? The above perfectly wholesome terms, many of them archaic, are included in a list of "50 Words That Sound Rude but Actually Aren't," gathered by the British writer Paul Anthony Jones and published on the Web site MentalFloss. Some of them are plants and animals; some are machines; some are natural phenomena; and one is an Australian lottery. Fifty-seven-time Loser Ward Kay suggested to the Empress: How about a poetry contest with those words? Indeed, such a contest is certainly in keeping with The Style Invitational's erudite and sophisticated exploration of poetic forms /and/ its use of obscure multisyllabic words; like the Miss America Pageant, we're really all about scholarship. Very well: This week: Write a humorous poem in any form (no more than eight lines) that includes one or more of the words above; the word must make sense in the poem in its /true/ meaning, as in the example above by Washington Post Children's Poetry Consultant Gene Weingarten. (Of course, it might also make sense to someone with the wrong idea, as well.) You may use a related form of the word, as Gene did. See bit.ly/50rudewords to see Jones's Mental Floss list and the definitions he cites. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives "The Klutz Book of Inventions," which depicts 162 ingeniously doofy — actually doofily ingenious — ideas, including blinking Turn Signal Earrings (traffic signal-shaped) for pedestrians; the Inflato Hydrant to place by the curb to save yourself a parking spot; and Inflatable Booster Pants with a pump to push your behind up and out of a chair (yes, dear, I'm afraid they do make your butt look big). All with funny photos we can't show you here because of copyright stuff. Donated by Pie Snelson. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel — both of whose limited-edition runs of 500 are almost gone). First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 29; results published Oct. 19 (online Oct. 16). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1090" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . PLAYING THE DOZENS: NEOLOGISMS FROM WEEK 1086: In Week 1086, we asked you to: "—choose any 12-letter word or multi-word term; "—add or subtract one letter; switch the positions of two letters; or substitute one letter with another; "— and define the neologism you ended up with. (Spaces didn't count.) So some of these words have 11 or 13 letters. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Saturated aft:* Lots of junk in the trunk. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) 2nd place and the non-Invite "You're a Loser!" T-shirt *SOB McDonnell: "I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. Some restrictions apply. Look out for the bus!" (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 3rd place *Cream of What:* Now that school cafeterias are serving breakfast . . . (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 4th place *Whorehearted:* With full sincerity and conviction, assuming the price is right. "The senator gave his whorehearted support to the plan to route the oil pipeline through the bald eagle sanctuary." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The twelves of never: honorable mentions *Denial Snyder:* "Like that old guy said: What's in a name?" (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *Nonfidential:* Describing something private shared with just one Facebook "friend" . . . (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Prankincense: A stink bomb. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Machobiotics:* A diet based on the four basic food groups: grease, beer, Red Bull, and stuff eaten on a dare for YouTube. (Brendan Beary) *Flips the Bard:* Tells one off in iambic pentameter. "Forsooth, methinks yon sun don't shine in there." (Nan Reiner) *Cornversation:* Get good at it, Gov. Perry; Iowa has 99 counties. (Jacob Aldridge, Brisbane, Australia, but clearly up on the American Midwest) *Prosti-tuition: What it'll cost to have that nice lady on the corner teach you a thing or two. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Carbo dating:* Dinner for two at the Olive Garden. (Melissa Balmain) *Bracketeering:* Taking a little off the top from your company's March Madness pool. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Zen and Jerry's:* mmmmmmmm (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Moanlighting:* Making porn films in your spare time. (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) *Sindependence:* Junior's first year in the frat house. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Kindependence:* For many millennials, the stage of life following college. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Eat Humble Opie:* Aunt Bee does the unexpected in the climactic scene of David Lynch's horror flick "Mayberry RIP." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Shirtsighted: Describing a person who needs to be told, "My eyes are up here." (Stephen Langer) *Sinflammation:* "Onan's wrist," for example. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Laissez fair: Festival where people get together to leave each other alone. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Incopacitate:* To render a suspect safely immobile by blowing holes in him. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Rushproofing:* Removing the knobs from your radio. (Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.) *Congratuplate:* To buy lunch in lieu of a bonus. "Well, whoop-de-do: The boss rewarded me for landing that big account by congratuplating me at Chipotle." (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *'Pittin' image:* Underarm stains. (Melissa Balmain) *Scantilevered:* What the ballerina was when she danced in a Wonderbra. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) *Mallnourished:* Existing on a diet of Sbarro and Cinnabon. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.; Kevin Dopart) *Brandparents:* Blue Ivy's and North West's moms and dads. (Kevin Dopart) *InvisiBillity:* Dems can't agree whether Hillary needs more or less of this. (Melissa Balmain) *Rash Wednesday:* The day after an overindulgent Mardi Gras. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Typoglycemic:* "You've got low blood, sugar," said the doctor. (Larry Neal, McLean, Va.) *Despicable Moe:* Unauthorized tell-all by Larry and Curly. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Urp and running:* The early warning signs of too much burrito casserole. (Frank Osen) *Hackjammered:* It's late at night when your laptop seizes up and all of a sudden your debit card is buying a Lexus on eBay. You've been hackjammered. (Larry Neal) *Chickenshirts:* People who take the ALS challenge in ponchos. (Frank Osen) *Costipation:* A condition in which one's wallet becomes lodged in one's pocket when the check arrives at the table. (Rachel May Arusi, Tel Aviv) *Hot crass buns:* The new Miley Cyrus tour. (Frank Osen) *Pledgehammer:* What you'd like to use on the guy who calls for donations at dinnertime. (Steve Langer; Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario) And Last: Lafterthought: The perfect Invitational entry you came up with right after the deadline. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our first contest ever using a word-search grid. See bit.ly/invite1089. *Next week's results: The Core Ridiculum,* or That Learning Sensation,* our back-to-school contest for novel course descriptions. See bit.ly/invite1087 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1091, published September 28, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1091: Turn a good idea into a bad one with 1 weird trick! Plus a catalogue of novel college courses from Week 1087(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers September 25 at 1:30 PM (Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1087, our contest for novel college courses.) *Good idea: Wash hands after using toilet. Bad idea: Wash hands using toilet. (Jay Snyder) * *Good idea: Showing pictures of your kids at a private party.* Bob Staake's design for the 1995 Loser T-shirt (front). *Bad idea: Showing pictures of your privates at a kids' party. (Ira Moskowitz)* Here's a contest we haven't done since back in Week 102, when the Czar ripped it off from the "Animaniacs" TV cartoons. The results back in 1995, including the above entries, were classic, so the Empress hopes that the Loser Community can give this form a fresh, crisp ripping sound. This week: Come up with a good idea and, through a small change in wording, a bad idea. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, in line with our wallow in the 1990s, a genuine 1990s Loser T-shirt from the prize collection of Elden Carnahan (barely if at all Eldened); and a fine example of the Old Bob period of the Bob Staake oeuvre. The front of the ugly yellow tee shows a man in a business suit standing in a full bathtub and tossing a plugged-in toaster into it. The back — the winning entry of Week 132, by George Montgomery — shows Bob's drawing of the same man with the toaster on the floor; his throw has missed. This was the first in a series of Loser T-shirts joking about people failing to kill themselves, a tack we eventually abandoned in a rare display of taste. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 6; results published Oct. 26 (online Oct. 23). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1091" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp; "Off-course catalogue" and the alternative headline in the "next week's results" line are by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . ... And on the back, the winning idea by George Montgomery. The shirt is this week's second prize. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . THE OFF-COURSE CATALOGUE FROM WEEK 1087: As our back-to-school gift to you, we asked for course catalogue descriptions of classes appropriate for today's world. This seemed to trigger the codgerosity hormone in numerous entrants, who suggested classes in how to read a print newspaper, fold a paper map, etc. The Empress hereby officially retires "Would you like fries with that?" from any further Style Invitational jokes about liberal-arts graduates; that nugget of snark has become progressively less funny since it ruffled the feathers of the Rev. John Harvard in 1637. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *PSYC 207: Welcome to Your College Nightmare.* Participants will not be notified of their enrollment in this class until the morning of the final exam. Note: Class location is subject to weekly change without notice; each student will attend at least one class session in the nude. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the caterpillar fungus from a Beijing Wal-Mart: *SOC 101: Overcoming Prejudice. In this course, you will learn to identify and overcome the various prejudices — racism, sexism, classism, etc. — that all people like you have. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) 3rd place *PHIL 332: Modern Social Justice and Ethical Inquiry. "A friend posts a cute cat picture on Instagram /and /Facebook; am I obligated to Like it on both platforms?" "If I know someone on LinkedIn but don't think her new job is good, should I congratulate her?" Discuss problems that have engaged philosophers for minutes. This class will be graded Like/Fail. (Dan McMahon, Adelphi, Md., the principal of DeMatha High School) 4th place *PE 124: State-School Polo. Students will each be issued a Hopper Ball and a mallet . . . (Margaret L. Welsh, Oakton, Va.) Hackedemia: honorable mentions *TT 01: Introduction to Time Travel.* Covers chronological flow, looped causality and temporal paradoxes. (Prerequisite: TT 02: Advanced Time Travel.) (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *CONG 101R:* An emergency remedial course in basic organizational functions, such as budgeting, decision-making and inter-group cooperation. Enrollment limited to 535 (joint session). (Jennifer Gittins-Harfst, Annandale, Va.) *HLTH 101: Alternative Medicine Safety.* Do you know a feng shui line of power from a chi line from a chakra? Are you sure? Are you /really/ sure? Don't mess with ancient forces till you part with modern cash. $795, to be exact. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *MATH IXa: Asicbay Yptographycray.* (Jeff Contompasis) *HIST 404: Lost Civilizations.* This course will closely examine seven ancient cultures for which no evidence has ever been found. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Urban Studies 464: Surface Transportation.* Learn advanced scheduling, mapping routes, and achieving success in delivering your UberX passengers to different locations. (Jeff Wolfson, Potomac, Md.) *HISTORY 000: Contemporary Issues:* Students discuss celebrity tweets made in the hour before class. Exams are not cumulative. Prerequisite for Ancient History 349: Tweets From Three Days Ago. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *AMST 326: Checking Out the Checkout Line.* Learn why Brad snubbed Jen at the Oscars; how to lose 20 pounds eating just bacon and Fritos; and 30 sex tips that will leave your lover begging for more. Course materials are free, as long as you can complete the reading in the time it takes to scan 12 items or fewer. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Classics 401: Greek Tragedy.* Learn how to cope when your frat house is shut down for health code violations; when you catch your roommate making out with your date to the fall formal; and when you graduate with a 2.0 GPA and a hangover. (Mark Raffman) *JOUR 348: Hdlns & Digests. Learn to boil down the world to the essentials in this too-much-news world. Projects include the EU crisis in two sentences, Scotland in 12 words and, in the final, China in three short paragraphs. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *BUS 489: Hedge Fund Management.* What you need to know — and need to make sure no one else knows. Students in this course should also take POL 400, Our Criminal Justice System, and ART 107, Introduction to Metalworking: The License Plate. Exam answers sold separately. (John Glenn) *Linguistics 1337:* 57ud3n75 mu57 m337 c0ur53 pr3r3qu15173 by 1n73rpr371n6 7h15 d35cr1p710n. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *JRNL 407: Applied Print Journalism.* Students learn how to make shoes out of old newspapers in case their unpaid internships don't lead to actual paychecks. (Michael Peck, Alexandria, Va.) ** Journalism 210: Elements of Punditry.* Learn how to puff no great matter (driving to work, ordering a pumpkin spice latte) into no great column. (Students must not have previous course work in politics, policy, political economy, philosophy, sociology, statistics, history or anthropology.) (Lawrence McGuire; Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) *Poli Sci 300: Conflict Analysis: Students will be divided into two groups based on political affiliation and associated strategies: "Just start dropping bombs anywhere" and "Can't we all just get along?" The groups will then spend the semester hollering epithets at each other. All grades to be determined by a joint project between the two groups. Most students will repeat this course for several terms. (John Kammer, South Riding, Va.) *PE 535: Moral Yoga.* Practice the moral flexibility needed to excel in Congress. Poses taught include Downward-No-Upward-Facing Dog, Special Interest Warrior and POTUS Lotus. (Ben Aronin, Washington) *Internet Journalism 201:* You won't BELIEVE what a sophomore accomplished in this class last term! 24 quizzes. (Kevin Dopart) *SOC 247:* Caveat Empress.* Examines the inner workings of an arcane society in which winners are losers, excrement is extolled, decorum is debased, and a homosexual horse-breeding ritual is conducted annually. (Randy Arndt, Clarksville, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest to write a poem featuring a rude-sounding (but wholesome) word. See bit.ly/invite1090. *Next week's results: Ask Backwards, or Query Picking, our perennial contest in which we supply a list of phrases and you come up with a question that one of them could answer. See bit.ly/invite1088 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1092, published October 5, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1092: Are we having funds yet? Make up another 'challenge.' Plus our answers prove questionable: the results of our Ask Backwards contest Can you be inadequate enough to win one of these? Above and below, the latest Style Invitational honorable-mention magnets by Bob Staake. The slogan above was submitted by both Bird Waring and Jon Hamblin for a 2012 magnet slogan contest. (Magnet designs by Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers October 2 (Click here to skip down to the Ask Backwards results of Week 1088.) *Apple's charitable foundation: Make a video of someone pouring water on his head without having to recharge your iPhone. *The Sierra Club: It had to change its campaign to the Lukewarm Bucket Challenge — all the ice melted. *D.C.'s Metro system: Run all the way up the Dupont Circle station escalator before it breaks down. The other honorable-mention prize for 2014-15; slogan by Barbara Turner from Week 995. We order 500 of each magnet, and the supply usually lasts about a year. So collect them both! (Design by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) The good news is that the ALS Association has raised more than $100 million in this past summer's Ice Bucket Challenge, in which people were asked either to contribute or to pour a bucket of freezing water over their heads. (Its revenue the previous year, before the Miracle on Ice Water, was $2.8 million.) The bad news — oh, let's not be so negative all the time; let's call it "the other good news" — is that lots of other worthy organizations surely will be inspired to come up with challenges of their own. Loser and recidivist contest-suggester Mike Gips suggest we help out: This week: Suggest a humorous fundraising "challenge" for any organization,* as in Mike's examples above. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulous brand-new jigsaw puzzle donated by Loser Christopher Larsen. Part of the "Disney Dreams Collection," it's a lush landscape labeled as "original art by Thomas Kinkade." In the background is Cinderella's Castle; in the foreground, Ms. Ella and Prince Charming on a footbridge, suffused with the garish colors and unnatural glow that typify the "Painter of Light." Finally we can appreciate Kinkade's work in a fitting context: as the background for cartoon characters. Just think how fulfilling it will be to study 1/300th of the masterpiece at a time. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet — one of the ones announced today, unless we still have some of either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 13; results published Nov. 2 (online Oct. 30). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1092" in your e-mail subject line, or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at /wapo.st/styleconv./ And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . ASK BACKWARDS: OUR ANSWERS ARE QUESTIONED BY THE WINNERS OF WEEK 1088: **Week 1088 was the umpteenth installment, give or take an ump, of the contest in which the Invite supplies a list of "answers" in the form of short phrases, and you come up with questions they could answer. One answer was read variously as "14, 102 and 39,000" (i.e., three items) and "14,102 and 39,000" (two items). The Empress accepted either because, like Your Mama, she is just too easy. Painter of Lite: This week's second prize, a jigsaw puzzle featuring the "original art" of Thomas Kinkade, and cartoon figures (right). The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: A. Rick Perry's glasses. Q. Name something that you can see right through besides Rick Perry. (Danny Gallagher, Frisco, Tex.) 2nd place and Pest World, the house of critter-motif nesting dolls: A. A Your Mama joke about a bicycle. Q. What is "I hear New York City has a program where folks can use Your Mama for up to half an hour with no charge"? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place A. Romeo and Joliet. Q. Who were stir-crossed lovers? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 4th place A. A cross-country trip in a Miata. Q. What was the plea deal that Bob McDonnell rejected? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) FLOPPING THE QUESTION: HONORABLE MENTIONS *JAMES AND THE GIANT BRUSSELS SPROUT: What was the only book written by Roald Dull? (Danny Gallagher) Whose marriage will they want to legalize next if you just let those vegan-marriage-equality agitators get their way, huh? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) What are the two best reasons to relocate to Cleveland? (Larry Carnahan, Arlington, Va.) *14, 102 AND 39,000: What were the Redskins' Week 1 stats for first downs, yards and excuses? (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) What numbers will be called at the MVA immediately before yours? (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *14,102 AND 39,000:* In the Defense Department contract, how many "person-hours" were specified for screwing in a light bulb, and how many did it actually take? (Peter Siegwald, Lauzerte, France) ** A YOUR MAMA JOKE ABOUT A BICYCLE: *What is "She's so fat her Schwinn is an 18-wheeler"? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) What is "Your Mama's so dumb, she thinks a bicycle helmet goes on the bicycle"? (Neal Starkman, Seattle) What is "Your Mama's so fat, they pay her to ride on the shoulder to make those grooves in the pavement"? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) What ends with "She can usually be rented near train stations and parks"? (Frank Osen) *MARY HAD A LITTLE LEMMING: What nursery rhyme ends in a cliffhanger? (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.; Lawrence McGuire) Did anybody try anything exotic at the Roadkill Cafe? (Pam Sweeney) What happened six months after Mary hurriedly married Lou Lemming? (Frank Osen) Why is there a rodent smoking a cigarette in the bedroom? (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *THE PRINT VERSION OF THE WASHINGTON POST: Ironically, what is one of the few things you can't buy on Amazon.com? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.; Olney; David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) What do you have to get rid of before you can use your dog-do bag? (Joseph Mat Schech, Colesville, Md.) What is a lot easier to read than the cursive version of The Washington Post? (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) What local icon was the surprise winner on ABC's "Extreme Weight Loss"? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) What do 10 out of 10 fishmongers prefer over the online version of The Washington Post? (Ken Schwartz, Burke, Va.) Where is the word "beaver" automatically replaced with the word "lemming"? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) The what? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *RICK PERRY'S GLASSES: What is more transparent than pig lipstick? (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) What hides the secret identity of Xenophobia Man? (Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) What will an occupant of the Oval Office never accidentally sit on? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *A CROSS-COUNTRY TRIP IN A MIATA: /(which was actually taken, both ways, by 14-time Loser J.J. Gertler to a Miata owners convention in California last month. He survived.)/ What should be the punishment for using a Knee Defender? (Deb Stewart) What's more uncomfortable than sharing an elevator with Ray Rice? (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) What event does the Grand Masochistic Order of Hemorrhoid Sufferers sponsor each year? (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) After flying coach from D.C. to L.A., how did the six of you get more leg room for the return? (Gary Crockett) *TYSONS CORONER:* What is the new sister city of Quincy, M.E.? (Stephen Dudzik) Who determined why the chicken died crossing the road? (Jim Stiles; Gary Crockett) On the Silver Line, what station precedes Reston Piece? (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Which mall has Crate & Burial, Pottery Urn and Six Below? (Rob Huffman) *A MAN, A PLAN, A CANNOLI: What is subtitled "The Silvio Berlusconi Guide to Picking Up Women"? (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) *NOT KIM KARDASHIAN, BUT KANYE WEST *Whose name comes up first when you do a Google search for "biggest butt in Hollywood"? (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our good-idea/bad-idea contest. See bit.ly/invite1091 . Next week's results: It's E-Z Find-a-Word, or Serpentineologisms, our contest in which we posted a word-search grid and invited you to "discover" your own new words by tracing a series of letters in any and all directions. See bit.ly/invite1089 . (Alternative title by Tom Witte) ====================================================================== WEEK 1093, published October 12, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1093: You're only as rich as you fee—send us bad business ideas Plus the neologisms the Losers discovered in a word-search grid(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers October 9 (Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1089, our word-search neologism contest) *$1 "deplaning fee," payable just after landing, to defray the cost of bringing the jetway to the airplane and opening the door.* *Anti-spam software that sends you a text to let you know each time it blocks an unwanted e-mail, so you'll appreciate how effective it is.* And that's why "the cat's pajamas" means a really good thing: Crocheted Un-pajama-clad cat-butt coasters, this week's second prize. (Pat Myers) Did you see that Marriott was fined $600,000 last week by the FCC for jamming guests' personal WiFi hotspots so they'd have to pay its hotels' exorbitant connection fees: $15 a day per device and sometimes as much as $1,000? Mark Raffman did, and being a Style Invitational Loser (not to mention a lawyer), he immediately thought: What are some more really bad ideas for various businesses to make a few more bucks?* As in Mark's examples above. Outrageous real-world examples are also welcome; just make that clear. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a delightful set of four crocheted coasters in the shape of a cat's behind , each complete with a little curved tail and a little star-shaped pink dot in the center. Created by Shanna Compton of the Etsy shop Hooks and Balls, and donated to the Invite by Diane Wah. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po' Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 20; results published Nov. 9 (online Nov. 6). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1093" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Beverley Sharp and Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . THE WORDS THEY 'FOUND'NEOLOGISMS FROM THE WEEK 1089 WORD-SEARCH GRID In Week 1089, the Empress posted the word-search grid pictured below (or here ) and asked you to "discover" new words by snaking a path through the grid. (The squiggles pictured showed that week's examples, "crudelet" and "chatox".) Not surprisingly, you found plenty of neologisms — there were well over 1,000 entries — especially the ones that included the letter series S-E-X. The coordinates below refer to the position of the first letter. (Grid constructed with the instant online word search maker at puzzle-maker.com) The winner of the Inkin' Memorial *F-12: CRIMEA VISIT: Term for guests who overstay their welcome, and then announce they own your house. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va,) 2nd place and the book 'The World's Worst Jokes' *D-11: NOTIGAN: The sweater your aunt knits for you, every birthday, every year. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place *F-12: CLINTONHOLE:* A term conservatives use in front of their children while talking about someone they don't like. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) 4th place *J-8: DANGRY: Only mad enough to use pseudo-curse-words. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) GRIDLACKS: HONORABLE MENTIONS *A-6: BUNSEC:* The maximum time a guy can ogle before getting caught. (Keith Waites, Frederick, Md.) *A-11: OH-NOTION: An astonishingly bad idea. "Abercrombie's kiddie thong [a real thing!] was an obvious oh-notion to everyone but the marketing team." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *B-6: SUNNY SAM: A cheerful serial killer. (Dawn Kral, La Plata, Md.) *B-8: EYEJACK: To steal a glimpse. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *B-9: DINGHO:* Australian term for an ugly hooker. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *C-4: I AM BUNGHOLE: Amazingly honest working title of Donald Trump's autobiography. (William C. Kennard, Arlington, Va.) *C-4: iSECRETS: Internet secrets; i.e., not secrets. (Frank Osen) *C-6: SECULAY: The opposite of ChristianMingle. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *C-11: SNIRI: Smartphone assistant who replies in a mocking tone. "You /don't /know the capital of Australia!?" (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) ** D-8: JESTATE: To have a pun in the oven. (Jeff Contompasis) *E-6: DUMACIN: Pending FDA approval, the first drug to treat chronic stupidity. (Frank Mann, Washington) *E-10: BANKULA: A financial institution whose existence depends upon its ability to suck your blood, er, money. (Kim Adam, Glen Allen, Va., a First Offender) *F2: RUDE-CAFE: Where Gordon Ramsay got his start. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) *F-10: FINNY: Ichthysterical. "Dory was so finny that the other fish almost dried themselves laughing." (Kevin Dopart) *F11: RIMUET:* The little dance a basketball does around the hoop before it goes in . . . or not. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *F-14: MAXIWAD:* The half-pound of emergency toilet paper every teenage girl has at one time used to make it through the school day. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *G-10: TRUEL:* Way more honest than you need to be. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *I-10: SEXTS ED:* One class where teaching the abstinence-only method actually makes sense. (Danielle Nowlin) *I-12: FUTIME:* The last day at that job you hate. (John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.) *J-3: CULTURD:* An overbearing, snotty critic. (Jeff Loren, Manassas, Va.) *K-12: DEDATED:* Broke up with. (Jeff Loren) *M-12: BAD SPORT:* The kind I &*%$ lose at. (Danielle Nowlin) *N-3: LORDE CULT:* Fanatical anti-royalists. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *N-13: EUROPIUM:* An element that seems stable when bonded with bureaucratium, but eventually comes unglued. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) *O-3: FLEECOLI:* Intestinal bug that causes one to make a quick exit. (Pam Sweeney) *O-13: REBAY: Getting rid of junk you bought online. "I can't believe Mom didn't like this taxidermy squirrel. I guess I'll have to rebay it." (Jacob Aldridge, Brisbane, Australia) *P-4: COEN RINSE:* A splatter of blood from, say, a wood chipper. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *P-5: BLEEPLY:* How every character talks in "The Wolf of Wall Street." (Jeff Loren) *P-13: PRE-BEST:* New, encouraging report card category, to replace "needs improvement" or, heaven forbid, "failing." (Sally Stokes, Silver Spring, Md.) *Q-3: SELF-BORE:* What you wish boring people would do. (William Kennard) *Q-3: SLUBBY THE HUN:* Attila's useless brother. (Ward Kay) *R-7: PUNX:* Tricks someone into planning for six more weeks of winter. (Matt Monitto) /And Last:/ C-10: TOILIT:* Bathroom reading. "I always leave the week's Invitational in the bathroom as toilit for our guests." (Curtis Morrison, Chesapeake, Va., a First Offender) /And Even Laster:/ R-7: PUNTUB:* The Empress's rejection vat. (Jeff Loren) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for comical fundraising challenges a la the Ice Bucket. Seebit.ly/invite1092. *Next week's results: Talk Undirty to Us, or Fauxcabulary,* our contest to write a poem using one of the rude-sounding but actually wholesome words we supplied. See bit.ly/invite1090. (Alternative title by Beverley Sharp) ====================================================================== WEEK 1094, published October 19, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1094: TAXI's the fare in Tour de Fours XI; plus 'rude word' poems Come up with a term that includes the letter block T-A-X-I in any order(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers October 16 (Click here to skip down to the results of our "rude words" poetry contest, Week 1090.) F*IX-A-T*AT: You got "I'm Awsome" printed on your forearm? Did the butterfly from 30 years ago stretch into a giant amoeba? Here's the makeover you need!* T*AXTI*LE:*Governmental fleecing material.* FLE*XITA*BOO:*Okay, he's my first cousin, but it's not like we knew each other well or anything, I mean until . . . * It's our 11th annual Tour de Fours neologism contest, which is why this year the Empress chose a letter group containing X and I. (She chose the other two letters for the clever reason that they worked for the above examples.) It's the same drill as in our previous tensome: Coin a word or hyphenated term that contains the letter block T-A-X-I; the letters may be in any order, but there may be no other letters between them. You might have a dirty mouth, but Bubble Geezer is clean absolutely everywhere. Turn it on and the arm lifts a bubble wand ... and wheee. (We assume; we didn't get the three AA batteries.) (Pat Myers) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a prize that reflects the Style Invitational's prestige in the world of American letters, as exemplified both by its manifold additions to the English lexicon and, as this week's results illustrate, by its contribution to the nation's poetic oeuvre: It's the Bubble Geezer, an ingenious device in the shape of an elderly man, and described thus on its box: "This old geezer will surprise everyone. Just pour in the bubble solution and he will blow bubbles from his behind. Requires 3 AA batteries (not included)." Donated by Loser Cheryl Davis, the source of so much of our second-place swag over the years. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet in one of our two new Bob Staake designs: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 27; results published Nov. 16 (online Nov. 13). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1094" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis; the one introducing the results is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / ^ The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . DITTY MINDS: THE 'RUDE WORD' POEMS FROM WEEK 1090: In Week 1090 we presented a list of perfectly wholesome words that don't /sound/ wholesome; we found them on a list of "50 Words That Sound Rude but Actually Aren't," by Paul Anthony Jones in the magazine Mental Floss. And then we asked for humorous poems featuring these mostly obscure words — and the poems had to make sense with their true meanings, even if they were also fun to read as if the words were really risqué. Most of the poems' humor did come from double-entendres, but some of today's inking poems are funny even when the words are only singly entendred. (*Last-minute note:* The editors of the Style and Arts & Style sections came down with a sudden case of maturity, and decided that most of the entries below didn't belong in the print version of The Post, where a reader unfamiliar with the humor of the Invitational might react with a more decorous form of "WTF?" In this weekend's print version, the Inkin' Memorial winner is followed by the second- and third-prize winners below labeled "Fit for Print"; the other runners-up and the honorable mentions have digital ink only.) The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: How you fish for adulation With that post from your vacation! There's the haul you trawled, displayed Beside a hottie (whom you've lei'd) Of perfect tan and bright white teeth; You humblebrag thus underneath: "Some lucky catch, eh? Holy moly!" I remark,*"Aholehole!"* (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) /(Aholehole, pronounced ah-holay-holay, is a Hawaiian fish.)/ 2nd place and "The Klutz Book of Inventions" *Fit for Print: /A true story about a flying squirrel: / A creepy critter came to call — it was an*assapanick; He slid beneath my bedroom door, like something quite satanic. I never saw him coming, so I wasn't filled with dread; In fact, I was asleep — until he landed in my bed. I guess my shriek unnerved him, and he prob'ly lost his balance, 'Cause that is when he spread his "wings" and swooped up to the valance. My valiant husband let him out the window (I had fled!); The moral is: Be sure you know who else is in your bed. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *The Empress's choice for 2nd place: *In Ireland, the Blarney stone often gets kissed, But in Penistone,* England, most people resist. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) /Penistone (pronounced "Penniston") is a town noted for a type of sandstone./ 3rd place *Fit for Print:* *Gullgropers: they are a group to beware of; One's bad enough — even worse is a pair of. They are the preyers, the tricksters, the scammers, Ready to swindle your grandpas and grammers. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) /(A gullgroper is a swindler.)/ *The Empress's choice for 3rd place: * //Attempts to divert him away from his cleaning Are met with unyielding resistance. His flat is impeccable, but it adds up to a pretty*pershittie* existence. (Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) /("Pershittie" means prim or overly meticulous.)/ 4th place One Kenyan took games to excess: He'd blindfold his guests, then undress, And they'd grope either him Or his pet antelope's limb, And he called this new game*Dik-Dik-*Guess. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ (A dik-dik is a tiny African antelope.)/ Assorted crudités: honorable mentions There once was a baker who'd run Her own S&M service for fun. With 12 guys in one night, Said, "A dozen feels right: Just tetheradick and I'm done." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) /("Tetheradick" was a word for 13 used by English shepherds.)/ And how will Putin face the sanctions bite? "As always," he responded, "Aktashite."* (Frank Osen) /(Aktashite is a rare Russian mineral.)/ When you sneak in the back at 10 past the hour While cringing beneath old Pastor Jim's glower, Avoid like ten plagues the clatterfart* — Lest /everyone/ learn how late thou art. (Danielle Nowlin) /(A clatterfart is a gossip.)/ Expressed through its tale, The clatterfart's breath takes flight On gossiper wings. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) A famed entomologist, Lance, was performing a curious dance. To our question of why came his frantic reply: "A cockchafer* fell down my pants!" (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) (/A cockchafer is a large beetle.)/ Though the cockchafer's quite a fierce bug, The good news is it's not in your rug. (Frank Osen) A dik-dik's* a tiny and shy antelope; To be overlooked is his one fervent hope. For leopards will eat him up if he gets fatter, And so, for a dik-dik, size really does matter. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) My dreamhole* affords me a lot of delight, Not only in daytime, but also at night. I'll say it again, should you not be too bright: My dreamhole affords me a lot of /de light./ (Mae Scanlan, Washington) (/Dreamhole: a small opening in a wall.)/ These lads on the track team, I take it, Aren't too bright, but I'll coach them to make it When we train*fartlek* style I'll remind with a smile It means /run/ like the wind, boys, not /break/ it. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) /(Fartlek is a training regimen alternating strenuous and lighter exercise.)/ "A roll in the fuksheet,* my sprite?" Asked Hook, but Tink put up a fight. "I don't care how you rig it, But go jolly well frigate!" For his barque was much worse than his bight. (Frank Osen) /(A fuksheet was an old kind of sail.)/ Make peace, O you bellicose nation: This war's caused enough devastation. Sheathe your swords! Save your lives, And return to your wives! The watchword is invagination! *(Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) /(Invaginate means to put something inside else, like a sword in a scabbard.)/ In a storm, my hot neighbor came bounding And gave my front door a good pounding. "My jerkinhead's* failing! Please help with the nailing?" My vigorous "Yes!" was resounding. (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.)/ (A jerkinhead is a type of roof.)/ **Although its conduct may seem manic, Do not fear the assapanick.* This squirrel spreads its legs to fly Some forty meters through the sky. (My girlfriend did the same, but "ƒfound She never even left the ground.) (Brian Allgar, Paris) Fiddle-dee, deedle-dee Scarlett O'Hara, she Lost everything as the Nation was riven. Rhett saw the signs of her *peniaphobia:* Straight out the he door he went; No damns were given. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) /(Peniaphobia is a fear of poverty.)/ *Assart* is the land on which farmers grow crops, Not tats on one's bottom (though yours, dear, are tops). (Chris Doyle) (/Assart is land cleared for farming.)/ Said a tree-dwelling holy man, bitter: "Last week geeks came to fix my transmitter, But I misunderstood When they told me I should Stick the aerial up in my shittah.*" (Frank Osen) /(A shittah is an acacia tree, mentioned in the Bible.)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest for ill-advised ideas for a business to make a few more bucks. See bit.ly/invite1093. /Next week's results:/ Good Idea — or Not, or Think Badder of It,* our contest in which you cite a good idea, then change the wording slightly to turn it into a bad idea. See bit.ly/invite1091. (Alternative headline by Kevin Dopart.) ====================================================================== WEEK 1095, published October 26, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1095: The best/worst of the good ideas/bad ideas Plus a new contest for a new poetry form: the TankaWanka Good idea: Give her a bowl of irises. Bad idea: Give her Ebola viruses. This week's winning entry, by Frank Osen. (Illustration by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers October 23 at 2:34 PM (Click here to skip down to the announcement of our new "TankaWanka" poetry contest, Week 1095) *In Week 1091, we repeated a contest from way back in 1995, in which we asked you to cite a "good idea" and turn it into a "bad idea" with a small wording change. The Empress was utterly shocked to find that a large number of entries concerned the reproductive and excrectory systems. What sort of operation do you think we run here? The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Good idea:* Give a bowl of irises to your wife. *Bad idea:* Give Ebola viruses to your wife. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the genuine 1990s Loser T-shirt: *Good idea:* Groom nails before your best friend's wedding. *Bad idea:* Nail groom before your best friend's wedding. (Jan Forman, Falls Church, Va.) 3rd place *Good idea:* Use power tools to keep your car functioning properly. *Bad idea:* Use power tools to keep your ear functioning properly. (Larry Carnahan, Arlington, Va.) This week's second prize: Farmer standing on turtles standing on another turtle — sure, we get that. But who ever heard of turtles wearing glasses? How would you even test their vision? (Pat Myers) 4th place *Good idea:* Reply to all sensitive e-mails.* Bad idea:* Reply All to sensitive e-mails. (Eric Yttri, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) Almost good/bad enough: honorable mentions *Good idea:* Celibate before marriage. *Bad idea:* Sell a bit before marriage. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Good idea:* Snowed in with your date. *Bad idea:* Snowden with your data. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Good idea:* Hiking the Appalachian Trail. *Bad idea:* "Hiking the Appalachian Trail." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Good idea:* Conscious uncoupling. *Bad idea:* Unconscious coupling. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) *Good idea: Wiping out poison ivy. *Bad idea:* Wiping with poison ivy. (David Patch, Toledo) *Good idea:* 3 square meals a day. *Bad idea:* 3^2 meals a day. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) ** * Good idea:* Doing things to help when the wife is away. *Bad idea:* Doing the help when the wife is away. — Arnold S., formerly of Sacramento (Brendan Beary) *Good idea:*Eating some beef with a side of potatoes. *Bad idea:* Eating some potatoes with a side of beef. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *Good idea:* Cutting out your junk food. *Bad idea: Cutting out your junk. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Good idea: Add "in bed" or "dressed as Elvis" to a cookie fortune. *Bad idea:* Add "in bed" or "dressed as Elvis" to the Oath of Office. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Good idea:* Taking the position of associate deputy assistant undersecretary. *Bad idea:* Taking the position of deputy assistant associate undersecretary. Duh! (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Good idea:* To fertilize your plants. *Bad idea: To fertilize your pants. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Good idea:* Trying to hit a home run into Section 141 of Nationals Park. *Bad idea:* Trying to get to second base in Section 141 of Nationals Park. (Frank Mann, Washington) *Good idea: Reusing plastic grocery bags as dog poop bags. *Bad idea:* Reusing plastic dog poop bags as grocery bags. (Dinah Tabbah, Annandale, Va., a First Offender) *Good idea: Keeping a supply of Head & Shoulders in the bathroom. *Bad idea:* Keeping a supply of heads and shoulders in the freezer. (P. Diane Schneider, Clinton, Wash., a First Offender) *Good idea: A letter to the editor about Iraq. *Bad idea:* A letter to the editor about her rack. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Good idea: Show girls you're a fun guy. *Bad idea: Show girls your fungi. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *Good idea:* Overtipping a good waitress. *Bad idea:* Tipping over a good waitress. (Lori Petterson, College Park, Md.) ** Good idea: A sightseeing tour to see a jungle refuge for gorillas. *Bad idea: A sightseeing tour to see a jungle refuge for guerrillas. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Good idea:* Uncle Sam wants you. *Bad idea: Your uncle Sam wants you. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Good idea: Teaching natural selection in science class. *Bad idea:* Teaching natural selection in gym class. (Josh Feldblyum, Louisville) *Good idea: Speed reading. *Bad idea: Read, speeding. (G.T. Bowman, Falls Church, Va.) ** Good idea:* Time-share condominiums. *Bad idea:* Time-share condoms. (Ray Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) *Good idea: Teaching your toddler colors. *Bad idea: Teaching your toddler "Fifty Shades of Grey." (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) ** Good idea:* When in D.C., stand to the right. *Bad idea:* When in D.C., grandstand to the right. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *Good idea:*Making s'mores at the neighborhood potluck. *Bad idea:* Making some whores at the neighborhood potluck. (Chris Doyle) *Good idea: Eat every carrot and pea on your plate. *Bad idea: Eat every carrot and pee on your plate. (Kathleen DeBold; Mike Dailey, Ocean Isle Beach, N.C.) *Good idea: Using a hoe throughout your garden. *Bad idea:* Using a ho without your guard on. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) *Good idea:*Taking Polish Folk Dancing. *Bad idea: Taking your folks pole dancing. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *Good idea: Continuing oversight of the Secret Service. *Bad idea: Continuing oversights of the Secret Service. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) *Good idea:*Posting a picture of you hanging out with your member of Congress. *Bad idea:* Posting a picture of you in Congress with your member hanging out. (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) *Good idea:*Dress-Down Fridays. *Bad idea:* Upskirt Tuesdays. (Brendan Beary) And this week, a brand-new poetry contest: NEW CONTEST FOR WEEK 1095: TankaWanka! *Just memorize this: SAT is B-A-D. ACT? PU! Learn-by-rote is not the best. (Later, there will be a test.)* Cretinous oafs that we are, in several contests over the years The Style Invitational has desecrated the exquisite poetic form of haiku, utterly disregarding the classic focus on nature, the distilling of a single moment into a few perfectly chosen words, and instead awarding actual prizes for pun-filled jokes about Martians, tourists, Donald Trump, etc. — as long as the "poems" had three lines of five, seven and five syllables. This week we set ourselves upon an even more venerable Japanese form: the tanka. Dating back to the 8th century and revived about a century ago, the form consists of 31 of what, in Japanese, are sort of like English syllables, arranged 5-7-5 like a haiku but with two seven-syllable lines added. Tankas in English by serious poets don't tend to hew too strictly to the syllable count, and, as Wikipedia notes, "traditionally tanka had no concept of rhyme," and in fact some rhymes "were considered dire faults." Well, this here is a humor contest, and we like rhyme, and so instead of being accused of misusing the term "tanka," we'll just say we created a new genre. So for the first-ever TankaWanka anthology, to appear here in four weeks: Write a TankaWanka about something that's been in the news lately. The poem must consist of five lines of 5, 7, 5, 7 and 7 syllables in that order. And it must include at least one rhyme,* as in the example above by the great man of letters (indeed, often the letters P and U) Gene Weingarten. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an almost indescribable piece of sculpture of the Weird Things Made of Glued-Together Shells genre: This intricate work, no more than four inches high, contains /twenty/ little shells and depicts — as far as we can figure — a smiling/grimacing farmer, wearing a beard of red thread and wearing a straw hat, riding astride two turtles that each have not only a bobble-head but wire eyeglasses. But that's not all! The two shell-turtles are astride yet another shell-turtle bobblehead, this one wearing an itty-bitty straw hat. And oh, yeah, the man also has a straw basket of doll-size produce. This ultra-fabulous prize was obtained for us by Ultra-Fabulous-Prize-Obtainer Cheryl Davis in St. Augustine, Fla. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet in one of our two new Bob Staake designs: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 3; results published Nov. 23 (online Nov. 20). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1095" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / ^ The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for new words including the letter block T-A-X-I. Seebit.ly/invite1094. Next week's results: Are We Having Funds Yet? or A Call to Alms,* our contest for comical fundraising ideas inspired by the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. See bit.ly/invite1092. (alternative headline by Stephen Dudzik) ====================================================================== WEEK 1096, published November 2, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1096: Colorful captions for black-and-white cartoons Plus buckets of fundraising-challenge ideas from Week 1092 In the Invitational's eternal quest for meaning, we present our latest caption contest. Links to individual cartoons are below. (Cartoons by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers October 30 (Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1092, our contest for fundraising ideas à la the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.) Now that The Style Invitational's newsprint version appears once again each week in black-and-white — as it did in its early days, when the pages were etched by scribes into stone tablets — we return to our pre-2004-look cartoon caption contest. See, we're just like The New Yorker, except with buxom stick figures and fart jokes. *This week: Write a humorous caption for any of the Bob Staake cartoons on this page. (To see the cartoons individually and enlarged, click on these links: Cartoon A ; Cartoon B ; Cartoon C ; Cartoon D ; Cartoon E .) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a small eggnog glass in the shape of a moose head, complete with an impressive set of glass moose antlers; it's called the "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Clark Griswold Moose Mug" and was donated ages ago by Loser Bruce Alter, who's a fan of moose. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet in one of our two new Bob Staake designs: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 10; results published Nov. 30 (online Nov. 27). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1096" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Stephen Dudzik. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, posted late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . A CHALLENGE INDEED: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1092: Week 1092 was headlined "Are We Having Funds Yet?" "Not much," groused one Loser atop her entry. Indeed, this contest for fundraising ideas proved harder than we'd expected. Perhaps it was because its inspiration, the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge — either donate to the cause or pour a bucket of freezing water over your head — was so odd itself. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: For the Support Our Congress Trust: Each legislator asks constituents to dump a bucket of money over his head. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place /and the Thomas Kinkade/Disney jigsaw puzzle of Cinderella: / Google Foundation: For a generous donation, it won't share your Gmail clip of you air-drumming Black Sabbath's "Paranoid." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 3rd place: DNC/RNC Bipartisan Partisan Challenge: Get your friends to sit through 15 minutes of television programming in October without fast-forwarding or muting the political ads; otherwise they have to give their donation to the other party. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 4th place: The YMCA-athon: Wave your arms frantically to spell out ALL the words to the song. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)** Lemon pledges: honorable mentions The Red Cross Challenge: Send money or pour a bucket of blood on your head. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.) The Zen Institute: Dump an empty bucket over your head. (Frank Osen) The Ayn Rand Center: Dump a bucket of ice over someone else's head. (Frank Osen) Cosa Nostra Retirement Fund: The Tread Water With Your Feet in a Bucket of Cement Challenge. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) NRA Challenge: Shoot someone you don't much like, responsibly. (Edward Gordon, Austin) Fraternal Order of Police: Handcuffs Across America. Stay connected! (Beverley Sharp) Prostate Cancer Awareness Fund: See a male over age 45? Give him the finger to remind him to /get /the finger — and get checked for prostate cancer. For every finger you give, donate to the fund and know you're doing double duty! (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, Va.) The Michael Phelps Foundation Challenge: How fast can you swim after 10 beers? Make a video and show your friends! (Margaret Welsh, Oakton, Va.) The Sex Addicts Anonymous Phone-athon: Operators are standing by to tell you what they are wearing right now. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) The Metropolitan Opera's Cabernet Challenge: Donate $1,000 or drink Wal-Mart's Oak Leaf red from the box. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.; John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Public Radio Pledge Rush: Faithful listeners don headphones and hear excerpts of "The Rush Limbaugh Show." The faster the person tears off the phones, the more he pays up to his NPR station. (John Glenn) The Urology Foundation's Three-Legged Race for Erectile Dysfunction. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) Help the NFL stamp out domestic violence: Make out with Roger Goodell's wife in an elevator. (Don't worry, he'll never watch the video!) (Frank Mann, Washington) Audubon Society Challenge: Shell and eat 10 black oil sunflower seeds in a minute the way the birds do, with just your mouth. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) The Children's Hospital Challenge: How many beans can you stick up your nose? (Margaret Welsh) Goodwill: Either change your profile picture to a picture of the inside of your closet for a week or donate enough of the contents that you're not horrified by the very idea. (Danielle Nowlin) The Nose Hair Tug-of-War for Alopecia Awareness. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Apple's charitable foundation: Those who don't donate will have U2's entire repertoire downloaded to their iPhones. (Frank Osen) National First Ladies' Library Benefit Challenge: Order embroidered Presidential Pillows from the library shop and Instagram yourself sleeping with a president. Do all 43 (Grover twice) and win a commemorative cigar box! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our TankaWanka contest for five-line poems. See bit.ly/invite1095 Next week's results: You're Only as Rich as You Fee,* or The Bilk of Human Kindess,* our contest to think up (or cite from reality) outrageous things businesses do to squeeze a few more bucks out of customers. /(Alternative headline by Mae Scanlan)/ ====================================================================== WEEK 1097, published November 9, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1097: Futz your sign — 'Clarify' a horoscope And winning ideas for businesses to squeeze a few more bucks out of us(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers November 6 (Click here to skip down to the results of our contest for novel ways for businesses to squeeze a little more out of us) *"Push has definitely grown into shove by now."* (Aries, Nov. 2) *And your butt has grown into a beanbag chair. So yup, it's time to start that diet.* *"You'll have a lot to share, and so will others."* (Virgo, Nov. 1) *And we hope you don't mind monitoring your temperature twice a day.* Here's another thing, besides The Style Invitational, that's in The Washington Post but you can't get in the New York Times: the daily horoscope. How /do/ Manhattanites plan their days? Hall of Fame Loser Stephen Dudzik suggests we take advantage of this reliable source of essential information by harking back to (a.k.a. ripping off) a 2002 contest that ran in the Canadian paper the Globe & Mail, and gave ink to Steve (" 'You are the centre of attention this week.' Means: They found the bodies"): This week: Select a line from one of the horoscopes appearing anytime from Nov. 6 through Nov. 17 in the Washington Post's daily Style or Sunday Arts & Style sections or on washingtonpost.com (click on Entertainment, then Horoscopes; also available at www.astrology.com; hover on Horoscope and choose Daily Overview or Daily Extended) and "clarify" it with a translation or extra "information."* Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives . . . money! /Packs / of money! The first pack is a set of/four/ erasers depicting various denominations of euro notes — brought directly from Ireland by Loser John O'Byrne when he came to a Loser brunch — and /two/ mini-packs of tissues with $100 bills pictured on them, donated (unused!) by Loser Jeff Contompasis. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet in one of our two new Bob Staake designs: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 17; results published Dec. 7 (online Dec. 4). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1097" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . AND FOR OUR PREMIUM READERS, THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1093: In Week 1093, we asked for inventive ways that businesses could squeeze some more money out of consumers. While the Loser community proved to be imaginative nickel-and-dimers — especially when it came to airlines — it's hard to compete with reality: Several entrants noted that Michael O'Leary, CEO of the super-budget Ryanair, had not only planned to charge for toilet use, but also suggested getting rid of the copilot: the airline would just train a flight attendant in landing planes, and "if the pilot has an emergency, he rings the bell, he calls her in." The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Did you hear that downtown restaurants will begin charging a "corkage fee" to breast-feeding moms? (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) 2nd place and the crocheted cat-butt-motif coasters Taking a cue from public radio, the Redskins have started weekly "Scoring Drives," taking pledges and scoring when certain goals are met. It's . . . not going well. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) 3rd place It's never too early to start ensuring that schools will recognize your child's gifts. And for an appropriate fee, OB/GYNs would guarantee new parents an Apgar score of 10. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 4th place The revolving door between Congress and lobbying firms will soon be coin-operated. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) The badder business bureau: honorable mentions A $1 "circumnavigation fee" to avoid the greeter at Wal-Mart. (Douglas Raybeck, Amherst, Mass.) Instead of emergency-room triage, use an auction to determine who gets treated first: "Physicians are standing by right now. Who will be next? Do I see a bid of $50?" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) "Would you like to buy ketchup with that?" (Bradley Jamison, South Riding, Va.) Starbucks could offer customers a choice: room-temperature brew or paying the coffee sleeve surcharge. (Todd DeLap) Did you hear about the sandwich shop's new gluten-free option? For an extra charge, they'll hold the bread. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) At the Golden Jade Dragon Restaurant, the first chopstick is free. (Todd DeLap) Put Your Child to Work day at the coal mine. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) When selling Matchbox cars, offer undercoating for just $3 extra ($10 value!) (Mark Raffman) Sea World has added a restocking fee to the price of each ticket to cover the cost of new trainers. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) Ten cents per minute allows you to select the music played while you're on hold. (Larry Powers, Falls Church, Va.) A small-town hair salon: Charges extra for /new/ gossip. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) It's not really true that Verizon will be imposing an erroneous-charge-removal charge. (William Kennard, Arlington; Kevin Tingley, Vienna, Va.) "Sewer-usage surcharge" on every box of bran flakes. (Will Cramer, Herndon, Va.) For an extra dollar you can try on clothes in the dressing room without the camera. (Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring, Md.) Trash collectors might solicit tips by leaving a self-addressed envelope in the house's mailbox, including a sample of that day's trash to make sure the envelope will be noticed. (Mark Raffman) A gynecologist: Ladies, we'll warm up the speculum for just $25 more! (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) The cable company has raised its rates now that it's carrying the NSA's surveillance channel. (Beverley Sharp) The firm's office manager announces that the broken shredder won't be repaired after all, but will be replaced by her Labrador. (David Friedman) At the beach, they'd like to sell $5 Day-Glo anti-drowning wristbands that guarantee you an expedited rescue. Those without wristbands must wait for the next available lifeguard. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) If "Jeopardy!" contestants end up in negative numbers, make them pay in cash before they leave the set. (Mark Raffman) Businesses know that time is money, and that's why they're planning to have the toilet paper in employee bathroom stalls retract into the wall exactly four minutes after the stall is entered. (Mike Gips) Airline barf bags are now $3 and you'd better have exact change ready! (Frank Mann, Washington) GPS Fee-for-Direction Surcharge: "I am recalculating . . . your toll. Please swipe card, or I'll keep saying, 'Yes we're there yet, but I won't tell you where.' " (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) A manhandling charge for the extra effort it takes to damage your checked bag. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Fan Fail Fee: To encourage cheering, charge ticket holders $2 each time the home team is scored on. (Kevin Tingley) Doctors' offices could add a surcharge if you want a gown that ties in the back. (Roy Ashley) For an additional $7.50, the proctologist will give you a souvenir photo of your colonoscopy. (Kathleen DeBold) When airline toilet charges do get instituted, there can be alternative "personal waste" bags to be used behind a curtain in the back. Passengers must take their bags with them when they leave. (Mark Asquino, Malabo, Equatorial Guinea) On cruise ships, premium lifeboats could come with plasma TV screens and free WiFi. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) $50 constituent service fee: Some new members of Congress, noting that voters elected them to "scale back government," remind citizens of this when they call the office. (Mark Asquino) To reduce traffic congestion, charge motorists $1 for stopping at red lights. (Kevin Tingley) Traffic camera film development fee. It's needed for the rush processing. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Delivery of Washington Post Style Invitational Loser magnets will henceforth require a $5 fee to defray "administrative costs." (Free for Amazon Prime subscribers!) (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *AND SOME TRUE STORIES* A 30-day trial of antivirus software with every copy of Windows 8. (Thad Humphries, Washington, Va.) Airlines blasting the air conditioner and then charging for a blanket. (Jennifer Dickey) A Seattle movie theater charges a $3 "amenity fee" not to play commercials before the movie. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) A 1991 Wall Street Journal article reported that some companies were targeting special mailings to people who had signed up to be taken off junk mail lists: " 'Their mailboxes would be wonderfully uncluttered,' said one leading data executive." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our Bob Staake cartoon caption contest. Seebit.ly/invite1096. *Next week's results: Tour de Fours XI,* * or TAXIng Our Brains,* our contest to coin a new word that includes the letter block T-A-X-I, in any order but with no other letters between them. See bit.ly/invite1094 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1098, published November 16, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1098: It's prime time for creative Amazon reviews Plus the winning 'TAXI' terms from our Tour de Fours neologism contest Review a ruler, cotton balls, Pringles, paper clips or a solar dancing turkey for ink on Amazon and maybe even here. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers November 13 (Click here to skip down to the winners of our Week 1094 Tour de Fours neologism contest, featuring the letter block T-A-X-I) *Review for a box of Morton's Iodized Salt: *This product works great for killing the slugs in my garden. I just roll the cylinder between the rows and it smushes them really good. Please send me the next size up so I can deal with the gophers.* — David Genser, Week 960 A couple of years ago, the Empress capitalized on the thousands of "product reviews" — most of them would have been printed in Sarcasm Font had that typeface been available — that people had posted on Amazon.com for some of the literally millions of items available through Amazon's portal. The review above got ink in our early 2012 contest in which the E solicited reviews for any of five boring everyday products. Not only did Week 960 yield some zingy paeans to emery boards and dish cloths, but we've concluded that the contest also must have caught the attention of Amazon's chairman and CEO — and that The Style Invitational must have so utterly beguiled him that he decided he wanted a Washington Post of his very own. If you have the best review of this solar turkey — or maybe even the second-best review — this guy could be yours. So now that it's all in the family, let's give it another go. This week: Send us a creative "review" for any of the items below that are listed on Amazon.com,* mostly through third-party sellers. The reviews must not be harmful to the manufacturer or seller. Feel free to post the reviews on Amazon itself, but not until we post the results online Dec. 11. While some reviews on Amazon run hundreds of words, we're looking for much shorter entries; 75 words would be lengthy for us. Search on Amazon.com with the exact words below, or click on the links, to find the product to "review." *Universal paper clips 72210 * *White Cloud cotton balls, jumbo, 200ct * *Westcott 12-inch wood ruler, beveled edge * *Pringles Original, 5.68 oz * *Solar dancing turkey * Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a solar dancing turkey, or at least a bobbing turkey, donated by Jeffrey P. Bezos of the Seattle area. (Indirectly, anyway.) Watch it "dance" here. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet in one of our two new Bob Staake designs: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 24; results published Dec. 14 (online Dec. 11). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1098" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's headline for the results is by Mark Raffman; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . TAXI-TERMY: THE 'TOUR DE FOURS' FROM WEEK 1094: In honor of the 11th running of our Tour de Fours neologism contest, the four-letter block included "XI." And the challenge was to make up a term incorporating the letter block T-A-X-I, in any order. So of course there were lots of entries on taxes and taxis, but with, as always, cleverly varying approaches. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial *Prophylaxity:* The way to unplanned parenthood. (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) 2nd place /and theBubble Geezer machine: / // A_XI_TY: The consuming fear that you're about to blow it on "Wheel of Fortune." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3rd place *Imaxative: That gut-wrenching 3-D scene where the camera appears to go over the waterfall or off the cliff. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) 4th place *Punxatini: Special Groundhog Day cocktail made with ice-cold gin and a touch of furmouth. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) wIT AXed: honorable mentions *Taxidormy:* The unspoken dream of many a college student toward an annoying roommate. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) *Taxiti:* Offshore paradise where the rich hide their bank accounts. (Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) *Flixtank:* To go straight to DVD. "Who would have thought 'Edison Force ,' with both Kevin Spacey and Morgan Freeman, would flixtank?" (Chris Doyle) *Taxilax:* What the government uses to clean you out. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Mexitacky:* Restaurant decor featuring cactuses, pinatas, and chihuahuas in sombreros. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) *Intaxication:* The giddy feeling Democrats get when they think of all the social ills they can solve by raising the tax on liquor. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) *Xi attack:* Getting the most Scrabble points with the shortest word possible. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Aspixiate:* To smother with cloying cuteness. "That 'My Little Pony' special aspixiated me in five minutes flat." (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *Taxticles:* What the IRS comes for when you're out of arms and legs. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *Earwax-Tip*: This product was a marketing failure until someone thought of a more appealing name. (Not that it should ever be used for that purpose, of course.) (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Natxiety:* Familiar feeling of dread among D.C. baseball fans in the ninth inning of a close game. (Mark Raffman) *Shtixa:* Non-Jewish female comic. Many people don't realize that Tina Fey is a shtixa. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Va.) *Asphinxiate:* To stop breathing because your nose fell off. (Jeff Shirley) *Twixathon:* The day after Halloween. (Mark Raffman) *Zitax:* The toll exacted on teenagers for their existence. (Wendy Sparks, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) *Cat-o'-IX-tails:* Used to give the IIIrd degree; outlawed by the VIIIth Amendment. (Alex Heppenheimer, New York) *Extail:* Divorce with benefits. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Mannexation:* What the "other woman" is guilty of. (Tom Witte) *Christmasphyxiation:* Every year, it seems to strangle its victims earlier and earlier. (Frank Mann, Washington) *Betwixt-air:* A very polite term for a fart. (Tom Witte) *Exitation:* The feeling that surges through FedEx Field during many a fourth quarter. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) *Spandexitation:* Girdle-off euphoria. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) *Exitañata:* The person who leaves a gathering and then gets bashed by everyone else: Henry was the exitañata of the party — as soon as he walked out the door, we all started talking about his hairpiece. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Plaxity:* Poor dental hygiene. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Luxative:* White-truffle and beluga Metamucil. (Gary Crockett) *Foxating:* Binge-watching Megyn Kelly, Ainsley Earhardt, etc., just for the news and analysis, mind you. (Mike Gips; Frank Mann) ** Taxigermy:* One reason to switch to Zipcar. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *Dexitasse:* Espresso with a shot of amphetamines. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Axit/Taxit:* The usual Republican-Democratic "debate" in Congress. (Robert Gerstl, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender; Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Taxidermatology:* The surgical science of making a person look like a mannequin; see "Joan Rivers," "Renee Zellweger" (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) *Lunatix:* Stadium seats being scalped for so much you'd have to be insane to even consider— oooh, they're on the 50-yard line! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *ITAXU:* Gov. O'Malley's license plate. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *Dyslexiat:* A new political class whose motto is "Workers of the world, untie!" (Frank Osen) *Trix tartare:* Chilly rabbit. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Axtion figure:* A Lizzie Borden doll. (Kevin Dopart) *Extiara:* A beauty pageant has-been: "Dodie was Miss Disposable Diaper of 2012, but now she's lucky to get some extiara work on daytime cable." (Frank Osen) *Syntaxic:* Having poisonously bad language skills: "Our syntaxic translator declared that the vice president desired to have warm relations with the Iranian delegation on the table right now. (Frank Osen) *Raxtiles:* Fabrics used to make bras. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Nixathon:* The Empress's weekly slog through the entries. (Chris Doyle) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest to "clarify" some advice in a horoscope. See bit.ly/invite1097. *Next week's results: TankaWanka,* or Hai-Fives,* our contest for current-events poems in the five-line tanka form (like a haiku with two extra lines) but including a rhyme. See bit.ly/invite1095 . (Alternative headline by Mae Scanlan) ====================================================================== WEEK 1099, published November 23, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1099: Yours for the asking — it's Questionable Journalism Plus the winning TankaWanka 5-line poems on current events "This is the place that made me what I am today." (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 20 at 2:36 PM (Click here to skip down to the winning TankaWanka poems on current events) /Sentence from a Post article:/ *This is the place that made me who I am.* /Question that sentence might answer: / What's so special about the back seat of your parents' SUV?* (Jay Shuck, 2007) /Post:/ It's a blasphemy wrapped in an atrocity.* /Q: / Have you tried our new kosher cheesesteak on Wonder Bread?* (David Kleeman, 2003) /Post: Great legs in a short skirt make me melt.* / /Q: / Hey, Pillsbury Doughboy, why won't you work with Tina Turner? *(Jean Sorensen, 1998) This week's second prize: Our copy is a bit tattered, but Pat Boone's advice for adolescents is 1958-fresh. It's a contest that keeps on giving — not surprisingly, since the pool of source material is almost infinitely vast. The Empress's predecessor, the Czar, first presented this challenge in Week 254, and we've done it about a dozen times since. This week: Take a sentence (or most of a sentence) that appears in an article in The Washington Post or on washingtonpost.com dated Nov. 20 through Dec. 1 (in print, any article from those days' papers), and make up a question that the sentence could answer, as in the examples above from three of our earlier contests. For print stories, please include the date and page number; for online stories, copying out the URL above or below your entry would be very helpful. *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , *the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulously fabulous genuine 1958 hardcover advice book, donated by Christopher Larsen, titled "'Twixt Twelve and Twenty: Pat Talks to Teenagers" — by Pat Boone. Let's say that it won't be confused with Dan Savage's "Savage Love." Here, Pat (who was considered square even then) explains why he dumped his "first steady": "She was a very pretty girl . . . but she let me see her in her curlers. Invited me over when she was suffering from a cold in the head. Next thing you know, even when she was all fixed up I could still see those curlers and that runny nose. Sad, isn't it? But that's the teenage male." Pat also notes, uncritically, that his mother routinely beat him and his siblings with a sewing machine belt, and that he was spanked until he was 17 years old. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet in one of our two new Bob Staake designs: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 1; results published Dec. 21 (online Dec. 18). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1099" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . This week's headline for the results is by Jeff Contompasis; the honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by everybody. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column (published late Thursday) discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *Haiku plus two: The winning'TankaWanka' poems on current events: In Week 1095 we asked for a poem relating to events in the news, in a form something like the Japanese tanka: five lines with a syllable count of 5-7-5-7-7. But since real tankas don't rhyme, and we insisted on at least one rhyme per poem, we're calling ours TankaWanka. The deadline for this contest was before Election Day. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial /"Gamergate," harassment of women in the gaming world: / Gamer dweebs all say Girls are not supposed to play. Hey, guys: Get a clue. We have learned what we can do With our joysticks, without you. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place /and the shell sculpture of a farmer riding a stack of turtles: / //Midterm votes are done: Optimism's fading fast That the folks who won Somehow will — unlike the last — See that more than gas gets passed. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 3rd place Sunni on Shia, Russian troops in Crimea, Ebola, ISIS, Worldwide crisis and drama — As per Fox: Thanks, Obama! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 4th place Re Ms. Zellweger: Were she the sole entrant in A contest to choose The one who looked most like her, Could Renée herself still lose? (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) Stanka: honorable mentions / Department of Human Services employees put $30,000 worth of Starbucks on government credit card/ At the DHS, When they make a coffee run It costs thirty thou. If they want to get Starbucks, They should not pay with OUR bucks. (Nan Reiner) Kerry won't pander, So Israelis throw a fit From State staff's candor: "Netanyahu's chicken[poop]" "" (I confess I laughed a bit.) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The conservative Wing of the Catholic Church Was left in the lurch. The libs are ecstatic in Pope Francis's Vatican. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Secret Service guys! Use your brains and ears and eyes. Watch the fence posts more. Sic the dogs "" that's what they're for! (Also lock the White House door?) (Nan Reiner) Though Colt McCoy won against the hated Cowboys, RG3 is back! Watch and you can clearly tell. Just look for the big red L. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax) Quarantine today! We can risk no more delay. Only ban and purge Can protect us from this scourge: Lock the Congress up right now. (Nan Reiner) In Eastern Ukraine The Russians foment trouble Surreptitiously. They're hiding their mischief well — Says Putin: "Donetsk, don't tell." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Ebola, viral, Then turned transatlantic. The news went frantic And contagiously manic: There's no vaccine for panic. (Frank Osen) On the Big Island Kilauea awakens. Fox reports this fact, Then the left goes volcanic Denouncing "lava panic." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) College can be hard: The student athlete suffers So many questions, But just one at UNC: "Would you like an A or B?" (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Fake classes for jocks At UNC Chapel Hill? Imagine our shock That (pick any college name) Was not busted for the same. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Sarah Palin hopes To run for office again. The GOP needs, So she says, to have "more guts." (What they don't need is more nuts.) (Chris Doyle) For 2016 , GOP candidate groups Will soon be on-scene, Like the Organization Of Perry Supporters (OOPS). (Frank Osen) /A new theory that some of J.S. Bach's greatest music was written by his wife: / New discordant notes? Some of Bach's great music was Not, perhaps, his own. Let us credit /all/ the Bachs: Anna Magdalena rocks! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Rick Scott demanded That Charlie Crist should be banned From debates with fans, Although he thought it was fair When Clint debated a chair. (Frank Osen) Doritos topped with Syrups, spices and veggies: A Mexican fad. With each sporkful in your mouth, Your border moves farther south. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) When donors who spent Four billion dollars on the Midterm elections Cash in on their connections, They don't expect objections. (Chris Doyle) /Substitute English teacher charged with having sex with student/ "I don't tell I show," The teacher texted the boy, And it all came out. Should she go to the slammer For the sex, or bad grammar? (Mark Raffman) Hail fecal transplants! Changing gut bacteria Can cure your /C. diff. / A bitter pill to swallow So better poop will follow. (Chris Doyle) Though I write before Midterm elections are done, I'll bravely predict— Whichever senator's picked — This much: that big money won. (Frank Osen) Defective airbags In cars across the country Pose a threat for some. But the airbags you should fear Are those elected this year. (Kevin Dopart) *Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest for funny reviews for products sold on Amazon.com. Seebit.ly/invite1098 . *Next week's results: Picture This,* or Black and White and Rude All Over,* another of our Bob Staake cartoon caption contests, this time in living black-and-white. See bit.ly/invite1096 . (Alternative headline by Nan Reiner, who's having one heck of a day) ====================================================================== WEEK 1100, published November 30, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1100: Pun & ink — tell us a mini-story that ends in a groaner Plus the winning and losing captions for Bob Staake cartoons(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers November 26 at 11:36 AM (Click here to skip down to the results of our Bob Staake cartoon caption contest) *It was a strange news day in Lexington, Va.: A man dressed in a Popeye costume dug into Robert E. Lee's grave, stole his left femur, and then used it to bludgeon a man during a robbery. Clearly a case of . . . a salt with a dead-Lee weapon.* A little story that ends in an elaborate pun: It's sometimes called a feghoot, named for a series of sci-fi tales by the pseudonymous Grendel Briarton, "Through Time and Space With Ferdinand Feghoot," starting in the 1950s. The feghoot above — pared down for the Invite — is by Ted Remington, an incorrigible punster whom the Empress discovered from his comment on a recent article about a football player who started celebrating his touchdown before he actually crossed the end zone, and ended up dropping the ball; Ted called it a case of "premature jock elation." In short order, Ted joined the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook and shared the groaner above, "the best pun I have ever created." Which convinced the Empress that there are still original puns out there. And unlike when we did this contest before, almost 15 years ago, you can now Google your idea to see if it's already been posted 12,000 times. So this week: Contrive an elaborate scenario that ends in a novel groaner pun on a familiar expression, title, etc.* While it's fun to string out a long story, we need you to keep it to just a few sentences; 75 words will be lengthy for us. On the other hand, it shouldn't be a simple one-sentence riddle joke. (Cartoons by Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a That's Gross^TM Growing Body Part — a brain and a whole skeleton two inches tall that is said to grow by 600 percent if you put it in water for three days. It is not remotely gross. Donated by Nan Reiner. We'll also throw in a little toy nose donated by Kuohsien Huang. So if you win: cool prize. If you finish third or fourth: cool prize. If you finish second: total junk. This is why we call our contestants Losers. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet in one of our two new Bob Staake designs: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 8; results published Dec. 28 (online Dec. 24, because what else is there to do that day besides reading the Invite?). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include "Week 1100" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / * Sponsor Generated Content Smart parking to the rescue By Xerox Through technology and data, parking systems are improving city congestion. READ MORE // BrandConnect» is content provided by our advertisers. Learn more. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column (published late Wednesday this week) discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . EDGY-SKETCH: THE WINNING AND LOSING BOB STAAKE CARTOON CAPTIONS OF WEEK 1096: Week 1096 was another of our renowned Bob Staake cartoon caption contests, for the five pictures above (or click on each heading below to see the individual pictures). Funny but too frequently submitted for credit: For Picture B, noting that the Postal Service is marketing voice mail; for Picture A, various takes on "a box office hit"; for Picture C, a car for the Australian market. THE WINNER OF THE INKIN' MEMORIAL: *Picture D: * "No, let MY client get it." (Frank Mann, Washington) 2ND PLACE */and the eggnog glass in the shape of an antlered moose head: / Picture C: Heaven wasn't exactly as Tom Magliozzi had pictured it, but it was pretty darn close. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 3RD PLACE: *Picture C: *The artist known as Athena unveils her latest commentary on how men mistreat women: putting them on a pedestal, then turning their lives upside down just to get a peek up their chassis. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 4TH PLACE: *Picture D: *In restaurants that have banned phones, millennials have to pass notes back and forth to communicate. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) YUCK OF THE DRAW: HONORABLE MENTIONS *FORPICTURE A Man killed by booth at Ford's Theatre. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) In Harold's day, tickets were a nickel. #ThanksObama (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) Even though George had ordered HBO, he was amazed when it actually arrived on his doorstep. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Edna didn't know you /could/ head-butt someone through three-inch glass. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) The new smartphone-in-a-shoe makes it difficult to use Fandango. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) The waiting time to clear passport control at Dulles solved the Ebola screening problem. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *FOR PICTURE B Delores noticed a marked increase in the volume of her mail. (Beverley Sharp; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The Postal Service announces with joy that someone under 65 actually wrote and mailed a letter. (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md., a First Offender) David Letterman becomes the new face of the Post Office. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *FOR PICTURE C While the new steering column was an elegant addition to the mini-hybrids, it tended to cause stability problems. (Ralph Nitkin, Rockville, Md.) Introducing the car with an extra strong roof, internal roll bars and self-sealing cup holders so you don't spill your drink . . . the Ford Rob Ford. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) At the 2015 auto show, all cars were required to be presented "recall-ready." (Curtis Morrison, Chesapeake, Va.) The car wasn't the only thing defying gravity. (Steve Honley, Washington; Art Grinath) "Vanna, that's not what I meant when I told you to put the top down." (Marleen May, Rockville; Beverley Sharp) Nissan's electric-car division soon thought better of the slogan "Turn over a new Leaf." (Thad Humphries, Washington, Va.) *FOR PICTURE D "It's from the chef. The good news: Our dinner is free. The bad news: He's been quarantined for 21 days." (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) With California's new active-consent law on the books, Bobby thought it best to have his dates start reviewing the paperwork at dinner. (Dan Ramish, Alexandria, Va.) For their dinner date at Tofu Bistro, Millie thoughtfully sneaked in a Pop-Tart for her husband. (Kevin Dopart; Danielle Nowlin) Mary asked Tom to review the check and see if they were charged for the table and chair legs they never received. (Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) Lines That Don't Work No. 17: "You pay for dinner, I'll spring for the hotel." (Bird Waring) "Yes, I know I've become boring, but unfortunately your warranty on me just ran out." (Mark Asquino, Malabo, Equatorial Guinea) *FOR PICTURE E "The upside is now I won't have to get that colonoscopy." (Alex Jeffrey, Columbia, Md.) "Wait here while I see if there's any body around." (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Turns out a guy /can/ lose face by asking for directions. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Because of liability concerns, National Hockey League lawyers consider eliminating the face-off from future games. (Ralph Nitkin) I lost 167 pounds — ask me how! (Bird Waring) *Still running — deadline Monday: Our contest to write funny questions from sentences in Post articles. See bit.ly/invite1099 . *Next week's results: Futz Your Sign,*or Age of Hilarious,* our contest to "clarify" a horoscope printed in The Post. See bit.ly/invite1097 . /(Alternative headline by Kevin Dopart) / ====================================================================== WEEK 1101, published December 7, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1101: The year in redo — enter one of the past year's contests Plus the winning horoscope 'clarifications' Support Our Congress Challenge: Each legislator asks constituents to dump a bucket of money over his head. The winner of Week 1092, just one of dozens of contests you can try this week. (Illustration by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers December 4 at 11:58 AM (Click here to skip down to the results of our contest to "clarify" a horoscope from The Post.) *Fundraising challenge for the Support Our Congress Trust: Each legislator asks constituents to dump a bucket of money over his head. /(Frank Osen, winner of Week 1092)/ If at first you can't even succeed in losing . . . Whether you didn't get around to entering a favorite Style Invitational contest from the past year, or you're new to the Invite, or you have a better idea for a contest you did enter, or you think the Empress flat-out robbed you and you think she'll think the same entry is funnier this time — well, carpe this diem. This week: Enter any Style Invitational contest from Week 1047 through Week 1097, except for Week 1050, last year's do-over week. Use as few or many contests as you like, up to 25 entries total. You may refer to events that have occurred since the contest was published (except for the Week 1054 obit poems, which should still be about people who died in 2013); for contests that ask you to use that week's paper, use this week's. Where to find all these previous contests? There's a link to each one at *washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational (click on "More News" at the bottom of the page to see the oldest few). If you're not an online subscriber and will "hit the paywall" if you look at more than 20 Post articles in the month, don't give up: You can also see all the contests on Loser Elden Carnahan's Master Contest List at nrars.org, where he also keeps the unbelievably comprehensive Loser Stats . After you read the instructions of a contest you want to enter, be sure to check the results as well (four weeks later), to make sure your idea didn't already get ink. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, appropriately, a do-over prize: a fabulous little set of ceramic salt-and-pepper shakers depicting a Martha Stewart-looking woman (or little girl) and a little spotted dog; and there are tiny magnets on (a) the dog's nose and (b) the back of Martha's skirt. This prize was declined by the second-place finisher of Week 1079, the renowned Mae Scanlan, perhaps because she's also won 22 other first-place and runner-up prizes, not to mention more than 100 magnets and bumper stickers. (Surely it couldn't be because she wouldn't want it on her Thanksgiving table . . .) *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 15; results published Jan. 4 (online Dec. 31). Include "Week 1101" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was submitted by both Beverley Sharp and Tom Witte, the honorable-mentions subhead by Mae Scanlan. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . WIT'S YOUR SIGN: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1097: In Week 1097 we invited you to "clarify" a horoscope from that week's print Post or the more expansive ones on washingtonpost.com: The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Cancer:* "Sprint as quickly as you can across the Field of Ambition, and then rest a while under the Tree of Contentment." But avoid the Port-a-Potty of Bad Metaphor. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the euro-motif erasers and the $100-bill tissues: *Virgo: "It's a good time to push for romance, too, if you feel the urge." No, not you, Mr. Cosby. Hey, are you even a Virgo? (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 3rd place: *Aquarius: "You are sure to score some points for pulling off this achievement." Your scab is destined for the Guinness Book of Records. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 4th place: *Capricorn:* "You might seem strange to some people." The rest aren't very perceptive. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Duncing with the stars: honorable mentions *Pisces: "Everyone around you is in an absolutely foul mood." Shouldn't that tell you something, you jerk? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Cancer:* "It's the small stuff that counts the most today, so do your best to keep you eyes squinted and focused." I know that's a lot harder for you these days, Ms. Zellweger. (Danielle Nowlin) *Taurus:* "Being as clever as you are, you'll probably manage to do both at the same time!" So put on those shoes, pop that gum into your mouth, and give it a go! (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *Pisces:* "Think of this as a game of chess." No matter whether you're a king, queen or pawn — you still end up in a box when it's all over. (Frank Osen) *Scorpio:* "After such a long, potent period of productivity, right now you would be wise to slow things down." Really, don't you think 19 kids are enough, Mrs. Duggar? (Larry Neal, McLean, Va.; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Aries:* "So when and if something that's not quite fit for the public emerges, there's no reason for you to feel accountable." When you gotta go, you gotta go. (Chris Doyle) *Sagittarius:* "Others will seek you out, perhaps to encourage you to change or adjust your plans." Ignore the ones who are shouting, "Jump! Jump!" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Cancer: "For the next few days — and maybe quite a while thereafter — you've got quite an intense social schedule." Apparently, writing your name and number on the restroom wall still works. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *Leo:* "There's nothing wrong with being indecisive." Yes, there is. No, there's not. Yes, there is . . . . (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *Cancer:* "A controlling loved one may be coaxed into releasing the reins for a brief time." But only if you remember the safe word. (Curtis Morrison, Chesapeake, Va.) *Aquarius:* "A family member or loved one might wish that you would be a little more relaxed than you seem to be." Tell this person to *** **. (Ed Flynn, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender; Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *Taurus:* "You're not sure what's up, but it doesn't feel like a good thing." As always, honesty is the best policy — tell the ER exactly how it got there. (Kevin Dopart) *Leo:* "Take a hard look at your budget, as there is a possibility of an error." It does seem a little farfetched to plan on winning the Powerball jackpot twice in one year. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *Leo:* "Investigate some investment options you were considering." There are 11 brand-new senators for sale! (Nan Reiner) *Gemini:* "Throughout your life, your heart and mind take turns at the wheel." While your libido and your ego fight over the gas pedal. (Frank Osen) ** Gemini:* "Your charm attracts many people." So be prepared to explain why you wear a dead sparrow hanging from a chain around your neck. (Ken Schwartz, Burke, Va.) *Capricorn:* "The good news is that your new grumpiness is not long term." The bad news is that you have two months to live. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Taurus: "It's time to stretch your expectations of yourself." You CAN get out of bed! You CAN write that novel! You CAN jump out that window and fly! (Neal Starkman, Seattle) ** Libra:* "It's also a great time to head outdoors with your friends, if that can be managed." The prison break is a go. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Leo:* "Investigate some investment options you were considering in the back of your mind." Let's face it, who else is going to invest in the back of your mind? (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) *Aquarius:* "You will feel the pressure of the full moon." You will sit next to an extremely hefty person on an airplane. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) *Leo:* "You may be slow to get going, but once you do, you'll be unstoppable." So it's best to stay home during colonoscopy prep day. (Curtis Morrison) *Aries:* "The trick will be to avoid a power play." If you happen to play for the Capitals, you've mastered this already. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Sagittarius:* "Details are everything today — make sure that you've got them totally covered!" But it's better if you don't keep checking your fly throughout the interview. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) *Taurus:* "You might experience a need to make your home more "yours." Check with your cellmate, however, before hanging that Justin Bieber poster. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Leo: "Your humor helps others relax." You can tell by their snoring. (Gary Crockett) *Capricorn:* "Perhaps the reason has to do with them witnessing your adaptability." Not everyone can grow gills on demand. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) /And Last:/ Gemini:* "You may want to express yourself, but be careful — you don't want to offend anyone." Unless, of course, you might get a refrigerator magnet out of it. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) ** Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for mini-stories that end in puns. See bit.ly/invite1100 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1102, published December 14, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1102: Let's get Sirius: Think up a new radio channel Plus creative product reviews for everyday stuff sold on Amazon.com(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers December 11 (Click here to skip down to the winning Amazon.com product reviews of Week 1098) *Ping-Pong Radio: Play-by-play and analysis of global table tennis tournaments. Station doubles as a metronome if commentary is disabled. *Punxatoonie: For a few weeks around Groundhog Day, this station plays such fare as "Me and My Shadow," "Muskrat Love," "Here Comes the Sun" and "How Much Wood Could a Woodchuck Chuck?"* *Banging and Twanging: The best guitar riffs from 1970s adult films. Perfect background music to accompany your homemade videos. **While broadcast radio stations become more and more similar — it's not that unusual to find three local stations playing "Animals" simultaneously — the satellite and online radioverse finds more and more niches: There's Silver Fox Wiccan Radio , advertising " magickal music, inspiring invocations, guided visualizations, meditations and wyse words." Or you might enjoy Spectro Radio, "The Happiest Station on Earth. Disney music from the Disney parks, Disney movies, and more." (We might not.) But of course, there's always room for something else to "narrowcast": This week, at the suggestion of 178-time Loser Mike Gips: Suggest a new radio channel and describe it, as in Mike's own examples above. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a unbelievably fabulous prize, even though it is in no way applicable to any Style Invitational readers: It's the 2015 Dull Men of Great Britain calendar*, published by the Dull Men's Club. Each month features a Dull Man and his passion: Mr. July, for example, is David Morgan Burford, Traffic Cone Collector; April's Dull Man has a museum in his home of 20,000 milk bottles. The large wall calendar also highlights such occasions as Rubber Eraser Day (April 15) and the Antique Doorknob Collectors of America Convention (July 22). But that is far from all! Loser Melissa Balmain, who donated this calendar, managed to get it personally inscribed by Leland Carlson, the Dull Men's Club's highest official — the assistant vice president: "Dear Loser: Be happy with second place — it's the second mouse that gets the cheese." Sponsor Generated Content Turning a positive into a positive By PhRMA She was diagnosed with HIV. Hydeia Broadbent was 3. READ MORE // BrandConnect» is content provided by our advertisers. Learn more. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 22; results published Jan. 11 (online Jan. 8). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1102" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results and the honorable-mentions subhead are both by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click "like" on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. / * ^ The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . CONTESTIMONIALS: THE AMAZON PRODUCT REVIEWS OF WEEK 1098: In Week 1098 we invited you to write a creative review of one of five products offered via Amazon.com. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial *"Universal Paper Clips 72210":* Universal paper clips, my tentacle! Instead of neatly fastening documents here on Naxerine Bb, these paper clips instantly melted due to the heat of our binary suns. Amazon's delivery service, however, was surprisingly good. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 2nd place and the solar dancing turkey *"Pringles Original, 5.68 Oz." My Pringles can came in the mail and it worked great as a maraca. But did you know that one side of it comes off fairly easily? The styrofoam-like innards slid out of my maraca and onto the floor, and the dog ate some. Should I call poison control? (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) 3rd place *Pringles: They're the best rehydrated potato flake, maltodextrin, disodium inosinate, monosodium glutamate, wheat, corn and potato flour, pressed amalgamate chiplike food product on the market! I'd eat them even if they didn't have "natural flavors." (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) 4th place *"Westcott 12-Inch Wood Ruler, Beveled Edge": I have been teaching at Our Lady of Mercy for 45 years and have found this ruler to be quite satisfactory for students who cannot conjugate a Latin verb properly. Also great for "making room for Jesus" during the slow songs at school dances. Five stars! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Removed from cart: honorable mentions *UNIVERSAL PAPER CLIPS 72210 * The silver color and "smooth finish" are so classy, I've been using them as gifts to friends as tie clips, earrings, credit card holders — and my wife has literally been speechless since she laid eyes on her anniversary necklace! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) This product is hopelessly confusing. I can never tell whether the small inside loop is supposed to go on top, or the big outside end. Where is the instruction manual? (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) Very disappointed — one star. First, they're /not/ made from paper. Second, they don't clip anything — not my hedges, not my coupons, not my nose hair. (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) Drop the double-daggered stapler! Skip the scalding hot-glue gun! Toss the tacks and tricky tape That sticks and rips when it's undone! Dodge the punch and crushing grip Of lever-action binder clip! Instead use these, which barely dent, And keep your work nonviolent. (Peter Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md.) (/See two more odes to paper clips at the bottom of this column.)/ *WHITE CLOUD COTTON BALLS, JUMBO, 200 CT* They are /really/ soft, that's true. But as a die-hard White Cloud customer, I really wish they stuck to their traditional toilet paper. I'm never quite sure the cotton balls are all out. (Mike Gips) I can't believe you call them durable for everyday cleanup — when I used them to scour my frying pan, they fell apart in a minute! (Edward Gordon, Austin) I could not be happier! My kids wanted a white Christmas, so I ordered 8 billion bags — and Amazon got them here way early, by drone! — Byron Brown, mayor of Buffalo (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) These make excellent ear swabs: Just glue two of them to each side of a pencil and /voilà ! / — Prince Charles (Mike Gips) In past winters, my snowmen were always a bit ... lacking. Fortunately, I ordered Jumbo Size White Cloud Cotton Balls early and was ready for the surprise November snowfall. No snow eunuchs this year! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) [with Pringles] If you want to surprise your little happy campers, try squeezing melted chocolate and a White Cloud cotton ball between two Pringles. They'll never forget their first n'mores! (Kevin Dopart) **WESTCOTT 12-INCH WOOD RULER, BEVELED EDGE* This ruler is not accurate! I tested it out with my boyfriend (he's an engineer) and he swears it's off by two inches. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) It looked good when I bought it, but when I used it to redesign my bathroom, it clearly was defective. My toilet is now hanging over my bathtub, and the hot-water spigot on my sink still doesn't fit right. I was planning on using this ruler to perform surgery on my cat, but now I'm going to have to rethink that. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) THIS RULER IS ReALLY HARD TO USE. DO YOU HAVE ONE WITH LARGER NUMBERS AND MORE SPACE BETWEEN THE MEASuREMENT LINES? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) I am very disappointed in this company's lack of quality control. I only discovered the variance in "twang-tone" /after/ I bolted a dozen into my Ruler Twang-a-Phone (patent pending). (Todd DeLap) You know what they say — Westcott rulers rule, and Eastcott rulers drool! Go Westcott!! And you Eastcott sissies better not get on here and write negative reviews and that means you tyler i know where you live!!!! (Danielle Nowlin) *PRINGLES ORIGINAL 5.68 OZ.* I was pleasantly surprised at how crunchy and fresh-tasting these Original Pringles were, considering that they've been sitting around in a can for the past 47 years (quite a good price for such a rarity, too!). It's a testament to the advances in food processing and preservatives that made Pringles possible. (Scott Berkenblit, Baltimore) This product is an essential part of my survival kit: I use the empty can to hold water, create animal traps, or make a loud popping noise signaling my presence. The one time I actually brought some chips with me, they attracted a bear, but I did use the can to store my severed left thumb and an ear. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) These arrived all twisted out of shape. The only way to straighten them out was to leave them in a steam room overnight under a brick. Hardly worth the effort. (Martin Bancroft, Bellevue, Wash.) I have never found a use for the chips, but the container makes a perfect gerbil casket. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) Whenever you find yourself at a social gathering trying to explain the determinant of the Hessian matrix of a differentiable real function of two variables, nothing beats an Original Pringle as a perfect visual aid. This has proven so popular that I always bring a full 5.68-ounce can. Party on! (Kevin Dopart) I travel a lot for work and I always stash a can of Pringles in my suitcase — as a precaution against ninjas. In hotel rooms I position the chips on the floor around my bed, and the paraboloid shape leaves enough space between chip and carpet to make a life-saving crunch when stepped on by a murder-minded member of the Iga clan. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) **SOLAR DANCING TURKEY * I bought six for Thanksgiving so we could each have our own little turkey. My plan was we'd watch them dance, and then we'd wring their necks, pluck and gut them, and toss them into the fryer. The ad never said THESE TURKEYS ARE PLASTIC. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) I bought this for Grandma to keep her company in the nursing home. It saved us a bunch of visits and she really seemed to enjoy it — the workers said she'd cry out, "Shake it, birdy" and "You're my only friend." When she died we learned she had changed her will and left her estate to a solar-energy company in Fresno. I probably wouldn't buy one again. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) There was that company with a solar turkey that didn't even dance, and it got a half-billion-dollar investment from the Energy Department. Buy this one and start writing your grant proposal! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Dances just like chicken. (Julia Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md.) *TWO MORE ODES TO PAPER CLIPS *The Universal paper clips, a hundred to a box, Are always at my fingertips; they're great for picking locks. They also come in handy when I scratch a lotto ticket, Or hang a picture, dig a booger, shish-kebab a cricket. Their uses run the gamut, and those final two are crude, So in case you've been offended, please allow me to conclude With how well they mark the pages in a book of Baptist psalmody And offer up a bit of snark for Amazon.comedy. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Once atop my desktop clutter, all my papers chanced to flutter, Flapping, flying, swooshing, swishing, scattered on my office floor, Then I, in my frantic fretting, pawing through the mess upsetting, Spied a box of something tucked away inside my desktop drawer — Universal paper clips? I think I know what these are for. . . Messy papers? Nevermore! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our yearly retrospective contest. See bit.ly/invite1101 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1103, published December 21, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1103: Themes good to us — pair a TV show and a song Plus the winning 'Questionable Journalism' of Week 1099 Sing it to "I've Got You Under My Skin" — it's the Week 1103 Style Invitational contest. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers December 18 (Click here to skip down to the results of our "Questionable Journalism" contest) *"I've Got You Under My Skin": "Epic Ink" "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For": "House Hunters"* *"It's All About That Bass": "The Ultimate Fishing Show" *"I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do": "Sister Wives"* The Empress knows better than to doubt the word of Obsessive Loser Jeff Contompasis when he says the Invitational has never done this contest before. "I've finally got a chance to check the Master Contest List," says Jeff of the amazing compilation by Equally Obsessive Loser Elden Carnahan (see bit.ly/invitecontests ). "There's never been a 'suggest an existing song to be used as the theme for a TV series or program for comic effect'* contest." There is now. It has to be an actual TV show (or Internet TV), past or present, and a real song title. This is, we concede, not the toughest contest we've ever run; a few years ago we had the Loser Community /write whole theme songs/ as parodies, which were brilliant (see bit.ly/invite933 ). But hey, it's the week of Christmas /and/ the week of Hanukkah, and even the E doesn't want to be all that Scroogey to her legions of Cratchits. (Until next week, anyway.) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a little bottle of Pee-Pee Poo-Poo All-Purpose Hand Sanitizer , which was donated to us by Seattle-based Loser Diane Wah on a visit to The Real Washington last weekend, and which is a lot like another brand of hand sanitizer we offered as a prize a while back but whose name was deemed insufficiently sanitary for The Style Invitational. And, oh, since we're in the holiday spirit, we'll also give you yet another otherwise identical hand sanitizer: This one's called Dog Slobber — "just a few drops leave hands germ-free and fresh as a damn daisy"). *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 29; results published Jan. 18 (online Jan. 15). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1103" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte; the "next week's results" line is by Jeff Contompasis . Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev . / Sponsor Generated Content Turning a positive into a positive By PhRMA She was diagnosed with HIV. Hydeia Broadbent was 3. READ MORE // BrandConnect» is content provided by our advertisers. Learn more. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . PRANKS FOR ASKING: THE 'QUESTIONABLE JOURNALISM' WINNERS AND LOSERS FROM WEEK 1099: In Week 1099, we once again asked you to take any sentence from an article in that week's Washington Posts and make up a question that it could conceivably answer (at least if you are a Duggar-level conceiver): The winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /Sentence from The Post: / Will begin to wane on Wednesday night. Q. What was the phrase that persuaded the Weather Channel not to hire Elmer Fudd? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2nd place /and the 1958 teen-advice book by Pat Boone : / *Negotiations have begun in Baghdad on settling long-standing sectarian disputes. So, Sisyphus, what have you been up to lately? (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) 3rd place *After one hour, they found two fleas.* What was the result when the Secret Service swept the White House for bugs? (Steve Honley, Washington) 4th place *Waves 1 foot on the lower Potomac, 2-3 feet Chesapeake Bay. What were encouraging signs from the comatose centipede as it was ferried down local waterways in the Coast Guard vessel? (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Inquiring hinds: honorable mentions *"It won't be as long as it has been — let me put it that way."* How exactly did Lorena Bobbitt word her threat to her husband? (Steve Honley) *"We're very early in the game."* How do Redskins fans console each other when the team's down 35-0? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *"Not every turkey escapes the White House." What was the rejected title of the new History Channel series about presidents who died in office? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *We never know what the big board will decide. When will the Great and Powerful Two-by-Four destroy Earth? (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) *That's a question toymakers ask every year when coming up with new products. Why do kids always end up playing with the box? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *"In the past I would laboriously pare off the hard skin with a vegetable peeler (difficult on a curved surface) or slice it off with a big knife." What did Julia Child say as a testimonial for Oil of Olay? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Sometimes it takes your family to help you confront hard and embarrassing situations.* Why does thinking about Grandma work so well for teenage boys who are asked to come to the front of the class at an awkward moment? (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Some people have a "low bottom."* What was Marge's excuse for not being able to lose weight? (Steve Honley) *Let's just say that it might make you reconsider your next BLT. "You don't think our cafe is using the tomatoes that sprouted up in its septic drain field out back, do you? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *After less than 30 seconds, he was done, finishing with a flourish of guitar and an "oh, yeah!" What is a quote from the book "I'm With the Band: Confessions of a Groupie"? (Chris Doyle) *The Navy has a $96 million reserve fund to cover additional unforeseen costs.* How did the Navy cover the bar bill for a recent congressional oversight visit? (Bruce Alter) *Shhh — it's actually faux and can be reused from year to year.* Why do you splurge on an expensive fruitcake every year for your Christmas party? (Dave Prevar) *He was lonely, hugely lonely. What's a good opening line for a romance porn novel? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *The cost would depend on what is causing the drawers to stick. Why don't proctologists have a standard fee structure? (Steve Honley) *"The TSA isn't even touching the vast majority of these bags." *What should the TSA spokesman not have said about busloads of nuns crossing the border? (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) *"I will make sure there are tissues nearby at all our meetings, and if you let me, I will hold your hand when you cry." How did President Obama persuade Speaker Boehner to resume debt ceiling negotiations? (Frank Osen) *"My head seemed disconnected from my body."* What's the last thing you remember, Ms. Boleyn? (Beverley Sharp) *Unfortunate, unfair, unnecessary and unwise.* With the success of UNICEF and UNESCO, what other acronyms did the United Nations briefly consider? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *"I had them tear it out while I was standing there." Chuck Norris, did you just have an appendectomy? (Barbara Turner) *The WHO estimates that nearly 350 million people worldwide have the condition. What's the current population of Teenage Wasteland? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Do you have a matching bath, hand and washcloth?* What was Martha Stewart's first question on arriving in prison? (Frank Osen) *It's divided into five movements, but there's no intermission point.* How would travelers describe a case of Montezuma's Revenge in Guadalajara? Brendan Beary) *And you can't just whip out your American Express card and walk out with a gilded mirror. What's your second-biggest complaint about the Obama White House, Mr. Trump? (Frank Osen) *"I'll be darned if the New Year's Eve sequence doesn't get me every time." Are you so drunk that you can't count down from 10 to 1? (Beverley Sharp) *It's a massive, bulbous, inexplicably sexual thing that droops down from the ceiling and fills the space. What is the Victoria's Secret advertising display for its revolutionary Ultra-Queen-Size Bra? (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *"We all like the Russians."* What do Vegas oddsmakers say about the battle to control eastern Ukraine? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Sometimes, there's even some facial-hair-growing. What do the Nats do well in the playoffs, besides choking? (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *The Wizards failed to thwart dribble penetration. How were Hogwarts students created? (Jon Gearhart) *So why not? Why do New Yorkers answer a question with a question? (Bruce Alter) /And Last:/ He warmed the hearts of millions with a clean comedy style far removed from the sexual innuendo and obscenity-laced jokes popular today. How come Roberto Gómez Bolaños never got any ink in The Style Invitational? (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for a niche radio station. Seebit.ly/invite1102 Next week: Pun and Ink, or Shaggy Pup Stories,* our contest for mini-tales — just a few dozen words — that end in a pun on a phrase. See bit.ly/invite1100 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1104, published December 28, 2014 Style Invitational Week 1104: HOW's this? Compare 2 things with the same abbrev. Plus a groanfest of story puns from Week 1100 Illustration by Bob Staake for The Washington Post By Pat Myers December 24 (Click here to skip down to the story-pun results from Week 1100) *FLL:* First Lego League and Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport* (the IATA code): Stacking isn't so much fun at the airport. *HME: Hereditary medical exostoses* (a condition in which bumps grow on the arms and legs) and homemade explosives:* The second is generally not recommended by doctors as a way to remove the first. *WE CONTINUE THIS WEEK* with a contest that made its debut this past May, with an earlier chunk of the alphabet. There are several pages on Wikipedia that each consist of literally thousands of three-letter combinations. Each one is an itty-bitty link either to a page about something the letters stand for or to a list of several possibilities. And this week we're concentrating on the E-through-H page:*Choose two or three entities represented by a single three-letter combination beginning with E- through H- — see the links at bit.ly/abbrevs-e-h — and say how they are alike or different,* as in the examples above. Note:* The entity could be something abbreviated by the three letters, as above, or it might be a full three-letter word or name: "FOG" or "fog," say. /And it doesn't have to be mentioned in the Wikipedia link,/ as long as it's real. But the three letters must fall between EAA and HZZ. Be sure to include the three-letter block in your entry — as three consecutive letters — so that the Empress may search for them with her Imperial Ctrl-f. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a tiny box of genuine fossilized dinosaur poop, * donated by Mike Creveling. The pooplets look just like any other tiny rocks, but they are from Skulls Unlimited, "the world's leading supplier of osteological specimens," and so we'll take its word for it. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 5; results published Jan. 25 (online Jan. 22). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1104" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The subhead for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev . / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . GAME OF GROANS: STORY PUNS FROM WEEK 1100: In Week 1100 we asked for feghoots — little stories that end in a pun on some well-known line or expression. The format of the Invitational demands /very/ little stories; perhaps we'll call them fhts. Warning: These puns are outrageous groaners. It's part of the genre. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial Despite trying and trying and trying and not getting any early action on WMDs, Operation Iraqi Freedom did ultimately nab Hussein and many of his henchmen. But after the former Iraqi president was hanged, Dubya nixed the plan to transfer the rest of the inner circle to Guantanamo. "Political opposition is too great," he said. "I can't Gitmo Saddam's faction."* (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the tiny rubbery brain and plastic nose: The famed businessman Victor Kiam told a story about his service in World War II: "At the Battle of the Bulge, a colonel kept ordering waves of grunts like me out of the trench we were in, only to see them cut down by cannon fire. So I shouted, "Hey, why are you doing that?" He replied, "Look, Kiam, you're fodder." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3rd place Yet another reason for Americans' expanding waistlines — this time it's the recent craze of adding fatty fish to your diet. They may be getting lots of omega-3 and all that, but still, their butts for the grease of cod go wide.* (Marc Shapiro, Alexandria, Va.) 4th place The place: Heaven. The event: the annual cook-off. This year, Chinese. The team: the inventor of the sewing machine, the grande dame of the Grand Ole Opry, the founder of what is now Zimbabwe, and Charles Gulden of condiment fame. The group was just about to complete its pièce de résistance when in flew the Angel in Charge to announce that time was up:*"Howe, Minnie, Rhodes, Mustard Man "" wok down!"* (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) THIN PUN ALLEY: HONORABLE MENTIONS Methane released by livestock is a major contributor to global warming. For several years, climatologists have been working with the tea industry to develop crops that thrive on these greenhouse gases. It doesn't look promising, though; they've been trying for fart-oolong.* (Brian Cohen, Norfolk, Va.) Humphrey Bogart had several rather odd hobbies; one of them was collecting miniatures of Greek mythological characters. One day he was talking about his collection with fellow movie star Ray Milland. "You know, Broderick Crawford has always greatly admired them," Milland said. "Yes, I know," answered Bogie. "Tell you what: Give my wee gods to Brod, Ray."* (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Twenty years ago, Earl Scruggs started a two-year gig at the Flamingo in Las Vegas. About 10 months in, the legendary banjo player took three weeks off to do a series of charity concerts, so the casino replaced his act with Robert Earl Keen, offering a 40 percent discount on tickets. The successful move became known as the "1995 Earl Change Special."* (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Although Ms. Witherspoon had already received acclaim for several movie roles, the director of her latest film found her performance terribly wooden and unconvincing, so he demanded that the producer take some immediate action. The savvy producer quickly decided what needed to be done: He drafted an immediate Reese training order. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) When I arrived for a three-month stay on Olympus, Mercury told me he would rent his house to me while I was there, at a very low cost. There was only one restriction: I could not remove the carcass of a songbird from his freezer, because Zeus had promised to restore it to life when he returned. When I entered the house I went straight to the refrigerator and looked in: Yep. Chilled wren of a lessor god.* (Ted Remington, Marion, N.C., a First Offender) Did you read about the ordinance in Fort Lauderdale that restricted the feeding of the homeless? The city passed it, but protests threatened to turn ugly, and a judge suspended the law. Apparently he feared it might cause a riot to bear alms.* (Chris Doyle) "This was no suicide," said Poirot. "He was murdered with the bolo of an Argentinian cowboy, who then tried to make it look like a hanging. But the pattern of neck bruises is unmistakable: It is*a dead-on impression of gaucho marks.* (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) The group photo wasn't going well at a 1965 U.N. reception honoring celebrities for their efforts to fight global hunger: The famed French German chef Michel Obercumb and his fiancee had had a tiff and were maintaining a chilly distance. Fortunately, the secretary general worked his charm and reunited the couple with a mock frown and gentle elbow to the ribs. And the photographer never forgot seeing U Thant nudge a cook by his lover.* (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) A mystic from the East came to visit a small Nebraska town and received quite a welcome in the town hall. But a Native American man made a joke about "real Indians," which confused the visitor and embarrassed the other townspeople. The joker then felt terrible, as no slight had been intended. You see, things like this weigh down a Pawnee swami-ribber.* (Mae Scanlan) If John Dryden were alive today and having lunch at McDonald's, he would never order a hamburger: He believed that a bun is the lowest form of wheat. (Gary Crockett) Lois always accompanied her husband during his bowling tournaments by bringing along her antique harp, which she played continually. Finally, someone on the other team had had enough — he yanked the instrument out of Lois's hands, hurled it to the floor, and slammed his bowling ball on it. "Don't worry," said her husband, "we can fix it." "Fix it?" sobbed Lois. "Look at it! It's nothing but a ball-defaced lyre!"* (Neal Starkman, Seattle) The tribal council wanted to hold an event for married couples only, so it decided to require each couple to display wedding rings at the door. As the sign read: "A band on all Hopi who enter here." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Down on his luck, Sylvester Stallone was appearing off-off-Broadway in a production of "Hair," for which he had to let his locks grow long and tangled. But he wouldn't even tidy himself on his off days — even though his friends pleaded: "There's no play, Sly! Comb!" (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) Traveling in New Brunswick, you're invited to a local's home for a traditional Acadian meal of poutine, pea soup and fried smelt. In the middle of the meal, with your mouth full, you have to sneeze. Fearing you're about to splatter your hosts with chewed-up fish, you clamp your mouth shut and clasp your hands over your face. The result: Smelts in your mouth, snot in your hands. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) My parents told me the bittersweet tale of Great Aunt Connie who came to America from England between the wars. Her wealthy, handsome fiancé literally missed the boat. On the transatlantic trip, she suspected he had had cold feet and then embarked on a shipboard romance with another man. He was somewhat plain, but devoted to her. Still, everyone thought that Constance of that passage may have settled in transit.* (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Yeah, yeah, we've all heard the story: Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by Brutus and Cassius. Well, guess what? It's a crock. The truth is that Caesar was poisoned — with a hemlock-laced yam. Don't believe it? Listen closely to his last words: "A tuber root, eh?" (Chris Doyle) Young romance could be risky in the old days in the mountains. During one 19th-century family feud, a young Romeo tried to elope with his Juliet. But the girl's daddy hunted them down, shot the boy in the ankles and dragged his daughter home — leaving him footless and fiancee-free. (Jeff Contompasis) "Wake up!" said my hubby on Christmas morning. He hurried me into the car. Our first stop, a brambly field where a quartet of sheepdogs were herding a flock, their coats bearing bits of the underbrush. Next, our neighborhood barbershop, where a trio of our pals were being shaved. Quickly on to the University of Maryland golf course, where the No. 1- and No. 2-ranked players teed off, both whiffing badly. I knew then where our final stop would be: the National Arboretum's prize oak tree. Nestled in its branches devoid of foliage, I spied what I was looking for: a postcard of Skyline Drive. After all these years, the romance was not dead. For my true love gave to me "¦ four collie burrs, three friend chins, two Turtle duffs, and a park ridge in a bare tree. (Nan Reiner) *And Last: The Empress's predecessor at The Style Invitational scored two tickets to "The Importance of Being Earnest" at the National Theatre. Dressing for the show, he draped one of his wife's silk scarves around his neck, tied it into an elaborate bow and asked, "What d'ya think, hon?" She turned, rolled her eyes and said: "Yeah, sure, wear the Wilde thing, Czar."* (Chris Doyle) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest to pair a TV show with a comically fitting song. See bit.ly/invite1103 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1105, published January 4, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1105: A lit obit of fun — write a poem for the late of 2014 And the winners of our contest to enter any of the year's previous contests In memory of Frank Jobe, who pioneered "Tommy John" surgery on pitchers' arms. This week we present the annual obit-poem contest. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers December 31, 2014 (Click here to skip down to the smorgasbord of results in our yearly retrospective contest, Week 1101.) */Orthopedic surgeon Frank Jobe (1925-2014),/ /who pioneered reconstructive surgery for baseball pitchers/ A doctor often earns his fame When a cure (or illness) gets his name. But one poor doc struck out upon The mended arm of Tommy John. Still on he sliced, in his scrubs and robe All in the name of the patients of Jobe.* As surely as life goeth to death, and one year cycleth on to the next, so doth the Invite bring forth its obit-poem contest, a.k.a. Dead Letters. This week: Write a humorous poem of no longer than eight lines about someone who died in 2014,* as in the example above by Staff Elegist-in-Doggerel Gene Weingarten. There are lots of lists online of the newly departed; just Google "notable deaths 2014." There's an art to being clever without being vicious; you don't get to hope or predict that the person is going to burn in Hell, for example, because he's from the Other Party. Your poem isn't required to rhyme, but we've found that the year's cleverest poems almost always do. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a handsome ceramic salt-and-pepper set in the shape of outhouses, with little green roofs. And they are helpfully labeled "Full of P" and "Full of S." Donated by Loser Elden Carnahan. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 12; results published Feb. 1 (online Jan. 29). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1105" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Brendan Beary; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev . / ^ Style conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . JEST ONE MORE TIME: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1101, OUR ANNUAL RETROSPECTIVE CONTEST: For Week 1101, as we do every winter, we invited readers to enter, or reenter, any of the past year's contests, with the option of using more recent subject matter. To the Empress's total lack of surprise, she received far too much great stuff to run this week, an embarrassment of riches. She'll be happy to be thus embarrassed regularly. Do take a few minutes to marvel over the long-form parodies and poems at the end. The winner of the Inkin' Memorial *From Week 1051: Create an anagram* /— a text with the letters rearranged — of some text referring to something in the news: / /Original: /" 'A word to the wise ain't necessary — it's the stupid ones that need the advice.' — Bill Cosby" /Anagrams to: /A word to the ladies, evident by nasty tactics he uses, is: Don't be alone with this creep. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the woman-and-sniffing-dog salt-and-pepper shakers: *Week 1076, double dactyls:* Narrative-parrotive, S. Rubin Erdely Charged UVA with some Odious acts. Too bad the whole thing proved Unverifiable: Seems that a Rolling Stone Gathers no facts. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 3rd place *Week 1085, items for particular gift shops: T-shirt at the NIH gift shop: "My Doctor Went to West Africa and I'm Pretty Sure All I Got From Him Was This Lousy T-Shirt." (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) 4th place *Week 1067, alter a quote slightly /and attribute it to someone else:/ "Sonny, little chance of reign." Queen Elizabeth, to Prince Charles. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Left-unders: honorable mentions *Week 1053, Questionable Journalism: /Take a sentence from The Post and make up a question that the sentence could answer: / Sentence in The Post: "It's like taking a brain circuit that controls your ability to learn how to walk and hooking it up to your vocal muscles." Q. How do pundits describe Joe Biden's speaking style? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) A. You're having an enforced "social occasion." Q. What term does Dick Cheney prefer instead of "rectal feeding"? (Frank Osen) *Week 1055, neologisms formed by adding or substituting K: Gerald Fork: You're not sure why, but the darn thing keeps falling on the floor. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Pro bonko: Describing a freebie given by a lady of the evening. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Roy Ashley, Washington) *Week 1057, bogus sports trivia:* Since 2016 is a leap year, the Rio de Janeiro Summer Olympic Games have been moved to 2017. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) During World War II, Harvard College looked the other way while football players were allowed to take either Latin or Greek, instead of having to take both. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Week 1062, poems on the news:* You're a guest of Uncle Sam and CIA! We'll make sure that you have water every day! And, perchance, if you are needing Some encouragement with feeding, Rest assured we'll be behind you all the way. (Nan Reiner) *Week 1058, good/bad/ugly: Good: Your flight arrives early! Bad: The attendant doesn't say a cheerful "bye-bye!" at the door. Ugly: You break your ankle on the emergency slide. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Week 1065, alter an "x-and-y" phrase:* The Sorrow and the Putty: All that's left of many well-intentioned home repair projects. (Frank Osen) Thee and Crumpets: An English church breakfast. An Irish church breakfast: Green Eggs and Hymn. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) Burger and flies: What to get when your buddy says, "Let's get some grub." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Week 1051, anagrams: "Democrats are still wobbly after the punch they took in November" /anagrams to:/ " 'Knee Obama in the crotch' vote trends up well for the lobbyist army." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) /This whole thing ... / In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue. He had three ships and left from Spain; He sailed through sunshine, wind and rain. He sailed by night; he sailed by day; He used the stars to find his way. /Anagrams to this whole thing: / (Raged slap:) In nineteen hundred ninety-nine Dan Snyder thought, "Yes, this is fine To buy a club with such a name." (His tribe said there's no R-word shame.) This hothead badly had us "hail!" Offended us — we hope he'll fail. ...(Sued) (Kevin Dopart) *Week 1064, if a moment of history had changed:* If English colonists had cultivated marijuana, then today there would be no movement anywhere to legalize tobacco* (*except by the U.S. Congress, which would insist that it be legal in the District of Columbia). (Mark Raffman) *Week 1054, obit poems*: /"The Fast and the Furious" actor Paul Walker:/ He met his end while in a car, Though he was not the driver, Had he but lived up to his name Perhaps he'd be aliver. (Danielle Nowlin) *Week 1061, crossword words and clues* /for a partially filled-in grid:/ SW- - DL - AN: SWORDLEAN: To prepare to take the blame, as in "Uh-oh, looks like his chief of staff had better swordlean." (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) WA - R - - - EA - - -: WALRUS HEARSE: Paul-bearer. (Kevin Dopart) *Week 1059, add words in parentheses to a song title:* "(Isn't It Redundant to Say) The Sound of Music" (John Shea, Philadelphia) "(I Want to Read Joe Klein's Columns Online, but) Time Won't Let Me" (Roy Ashley) *Week 1048, Ask Backwards:* /we give a phrase and you write a question:/ A. The Two and a Half Wise Men Q. Why is a gingerbread creche a bad idea? (Kevin Dopart) The Two and a Half Wise Men What would you call the Redskins' front office if you added two and a half wise men? (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) The Wicked Witch of the Waist Who was the sworn enemy of Oz — and of Lbs? (Steve Honley, Washington) *Week 1084, limericks* /featuring words beginning with fi- through fo-:/ "With foreplay, she'll always want more!" I'd heard that so often before . . . But I didn't hear right, And I wasted the night By trying to have sex on the floor. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) A foreigner here on vacation Asked Doc to perform a castration. But when he realized That he meant "circumcised," 'Twas too late — they were lost in translation. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Week 1067, change one letter in a quote:* "Shall I part my hair behind?" — T.S. Eliot "Shall I part my hairy behind?" — Jim Carrey (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Week 1056, new weather terms:* Ocr-ice: Black slippery patches that you don't notice until you're airborne. (David Friedman, Arlington) *Week 1066, "breed" two horses* /on a list of the year's Triple Crown nominees, and name the "foal": / Scotland x Twenty Percent = Plaid the Fifth (Barry Koch) Hoppertunity x Deceived = Kermit the Fraud (Jeff Contompasis) Charge Now x Undertaker = Layaway (Jeff Contompasis) Guggenheim x Undertaker = The Wright Stiff (Rob Huffman) All Tied Up x Almost Famous = Larry Houdini (Roger Dalrymple, Fredericksburg, Va.) So Lonesome x Wildcat Red = Onan O'Brien (Danielle Nowlin) *Week 1081, stupid questions for Yahoo Answers: Why is Sunday considered the first day of the week when Saturday always happens a day earlier? (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) At airports, do they use actual dentists to perform cavity searches? (Robert Schechter) *Week 1074, describe a stage or movie musical with a parody of a song from another musical: * /Here is "Fiddler on the Roof" summed up to the tune of "Oklahoma!" — followed by a song about "Oklahoma!" to "Anatevka" from "Fiddler"!/ *"Fiddler" to "Oklahoma!" (clip of Nan Reiner singing her parody) Aaaah-natevka, where the candles burn each Friday night, And we love Shabbat, though we ain't got lots of dough to celebrate it right. Aaaah-natevka, where the Cossacks gallop all around; With the czar's pogrom, at night they'll come, and they'll burn our houses to the ground. Such tsuris our lives won't destroy, But I'll plotz if my girl weds a goy! And so I pray"¦ tradition we'll obey"¦ because you may be dreck, but you're mine, Anatevka. Anatevka "" Oy, vey! Can't stay! Must go away! Anatevka! Oy, vey! *"Oklahoma!" to "Anatevka"* (Nan singing) Oklahoma, Oklahoma, corn-is-high-as-yer-eye Oklahoma, Where roamin' dogies all get kitched. Oklahoma, Oklahoma, guess-I-shall-chase-a-gal Oklahoma, They're all jest waitin' to git hitched. Laurey lassoos Curly, so the story ends. Farmin' folk and cowboys will be friends "" in Oklahoma. Yippee-ay for Oklahoma: Giddy-up, clippy-clop Oklahoma., Durn territory "" now durn state! "" of mine. *"The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas," to"Chim-Chim-Cher-ee" from "Mary Poppins"* Pim-pimpany pim-pimpany pim-pimperee, A Texan will buy what he can't get for free. Pim-pimpany pim-pimpany pimp-pimp-eroo, So why can't a girl make a dollar or two? She'll blow him a kiss and there's more that she'll do ... When you're in Texas and want "company," A fine little brothel is where you should be; Ladies with feminine charms amply blessed, For messing with Texans is what they do best. Pim-pimpany pim-pimpany pimp-pimp-peree, If you want to get lucky, there's just a small fee. Pim-pimany pimp-pimpany pimp-pimp-peroo Come on, Mr. Lone Star, and stand straight and true. Are things bigger in Texas, or is it just you? (Mark Raffman) *"Peter Pan" to "Defying Gravity" from "Wicked" (start clip at 1:20) London is gray and dreary, nothing but gloom and woe. I'll bring you to a place where children never have to grow! Think something happy, Wendy; we're taking a flying leap! (Too bad it's only cables — theater budget's cheap.) And see how I'm defying puberty; You, too, can try defying puberty While we're in Never Never Land. (Look at us soar through the sky, You're taking me higher and higher!) I'm staying young forever; I'll never lose a step. We'll battle Captain Hook (who looks a bit like Johnny Depp). But now the fairy's dying; Even though I'm bawling loud, I know she'll live, because there's children in the crowd"¦. Who see how I'm defying puberty. I wish you'd try defying puberty, And stay in Neverland. (skip to 4:35) So if you'd care to join me, make sure your hair's not gray, For if you've filled your figure, "fairy dust" will get you put away. But if you've got a daughter, then she can walk my trail! Farewell, dear Wendy; tell the audience the tale... About how I am defying puberty. I'll say goodbye, defying puberty, Because I'll stay in Neverland. And no one in a nurse's dress Will dabble, tinker, fix, or mess With my pituitary gland! (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *And one more obit poem from Week 1054:* *David Frost* Once upon an evening dreary, while I sat there, feeling weary, With my TV dinner growing cold upon my shaky tray, Suddenly, upon the screen there were two men whom I had seen: A Brit and an American both staring in a serious way. I sat there, thinking, "What a day!" A president and interviewer, the latter known, perhaps, by fewer, But nonetheless a person whom the viewers all had learned to trust. I set upon my pepper steak and couldn't take a bathroom break: Transfixed was I by what I heard and saw. To sit there was a must. And Nixon looking so nonplussed. As o'er the course of several hours, engendering from Nixon glowers, That dedicated journalist kept up his questions, damn the cost. It shouldn't be a mystery why those interviews made history: Tenacity was emblematic of the late, great David Frost. (Christopher Lamora) */And Last:/ Week 1053, Questionable Journalism: *A. Between them, they clock between 110 and 120 hours a week on average. Q: How many hours do Kevin Dopart and Frank Osen waste writing Style Invitational entries? (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *Still running — deadline Monday: Our contest to compare two entities with the same three-letter abbreviation: See bit.ly/invite1104. ====================================================================== WEEK 1106, published January 11, 2015 Style Invitational contest Week 1106: Resolutions for Jan. 1, 2115 Plus the winning ideas for niche radio stations, and more(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers January 8 (Click here to skip down to the results of our contest for humorous niche radio stations) *I'm going to be more considerate to my clone and return his parts after I've borrowed them. (Ron Charles) *I resolve to defeat the union's demand to reduce the 80-hour week to 75. (K.C. Angus) * The Empress models the cha-pew! that is this week's second prize. (Groaner pun by Doug Norwood — The Washington Post) (Photo by Pie Snelson) *I resolve that I will visit my doctor on a regular basis to have my oil changed. (Charles Crockford) Given that we're already into the second week of 2015, I assume we've already given up on our New Year's resolutions. So let's think ahead — and look back: 148-time Loser John O'Byrne was rooting through his files of the Globe Challenge, an Invitish contest that used to run in the Toronto-based Globe and Mail newspaper (its editor, Warren Clements, has gotten some Invite ink himself), and he shared the results of a January 2000 contest. So let's give it a new lease on life (i.e., shamelessly rip it off) 15 years later: Suggest a New Year's resolution that someone might make 100 years or more in the future,* as in the Ontarians' examples above (that's not The Post's Ron Charles). You might attribute the resolution to a particular person, perhaps a descendant of someone currently inhabiting the planet. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the glorious piece of headwear pictured at left atop the Empress's poodlish (but actually passably sweet-smelling) mop. The E will have a hard time choosing between this and her tiara to wear at this weekend's Loser Post-Holiday Party. Donated by Marsha Alter, wife of 110-time Loser Bruce Alter. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 20; results published Feb. 8 (online Feb. 5). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1106" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *ADDLED CONTEMPORARY: THE WEEK 1102 'NICHE RADIO' CONTEST: In Week 1102, the Empress presented what everyone thought was a pretty typical Invite challenge: Come up with a niche radio station, a la the very specific ones on satellite and Internet stations such as Sirius, such as one for Wiccans or one playing music from Disney theme parks, and to describe it, list some songs it might play, etc. But for some reason, the Loser Community didn't tend to find the right wavelength. The results weren't a disaster — it wasn't like the time the Czar asked people to write irreverent things about what God looks like — but we did end up with room to share a few more of the superior entries from Week 1101, in which readers could enter any of the past year's contests. (Not to mention room to show the skunk hat.) 4th place: *Back Tracking:* Find secret meanings in rock classics played in reverse, including Led Zeppelin's "Neveah Ot Yawraits," the Beatles' "Retleks Retleh" and Black Sabbath's "Nam Nori." It's actually unlistenable, of course, but it'll freak your parents out. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *3rd place: *365 Nights of Hanukkah:* Enjoy all two well-known Hanukkah songs all year round! (Heather Spence, New York) 2nd place and the "Dull Men of Great Britain" calendar: *The Putin Comedy Channel:* You. Laugh now. Okay. No more laugh. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin Memorial: *Small-Talk Radio:* No issues are discussed; the host merely fields call after call from "longtime listener, first-time callers" gushing about how much they love the show and where they're listening from — with a long pause to figure out how to turn their radios down. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Megahurts: honorable mentions *All-Jazz Era:* Middle Eastern swing and bebop classics, like "Abu Dhabi Honeymoon" by Sunni Rollins, "All the Things U.A.R." by Artie Shah, and "Mahmood Indigo" by Ahmad Jamal. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *It's a Small World Earworm Radio:* Listen for just a moment and it will last you all day. Now: "Let It Go" on the hour! (David Koronet, Mount Airy, Md.; Carol Passar, Reston, Va.) *The Time All the Time:* Every three seconds. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) *The Yule Log Station:* The warm, homey sounds of a crackling Yule log. Just like having a fire in your dashboard without all the trouble. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) *Sad Songs Say So Much:* Only the most depressing tunes, including "Cat's in the Cradle," "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" and "Hail to the Redskins." (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Think, Think a Song:* Where every track played poses a question — "Who Let the Dogs Out?" "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" — and each is followed by an in-depth discussion. One year, the hours of debate following "What's New Pussycat?" ultimately became the subject of PhD dissertations. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *Don't Touch That Dill:* Round-the-clock exhortations on the wickedness of self-abuse. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Ballet Play-by-Play:* "Whoa, Nellie, this looks like a real Cinderella story, folks! The Prince just picked up five yards with that last jete, and now he's running out the clock with entrechats. Over to you, Leslie." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *The Scrub Channel:* Music to wash dishes by. The playlist includes "Soap Gets in Your Eyes," "How Can You Mend a Broken Plate?" and, of course, "Ragtime." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Golf Radio:* Clicks followed by bleeps. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Parent's Fantasy:* Every five seconds it plays "Are we there yet?" or "Billy's on my half" but can then be blissfully turned off. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *True Confessions:* The best from our secret microphones in church confessionals around the nation! And try our sister station KREEP — the best talk from Schenectady ladies' rooms. (Warren Tanabe; Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *No-Hit Wonders:* The worst bands you've never heard of 24-7. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Wrong Generation Radio:* '90s rock for angsty preteen YouTube commenters who wish they were around 20 years ago, "before music started to suck." (Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) Second second chances: More from Week 1101 /When reentering earlier contests, entrants could refer to more recent events. / *Week 1051, create an anagram /about something in the news: / /Take all the letters in this text . . . /"Senate report on CIA's torture noted physically disabling results." /. . . and rearrange all the letters to make: /"Useless intelligence: solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and protracted." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) /Original:/ "Coach: 'I'm done with #@&-ing Griffin.' Brass: 'We are not sure.' " /Anagrams to:/ "Fan/critic begs: 'Rid us of the #&@-ing owner man! Ha, I swore!' " (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Week 1053, Questionable Journalism:* /Find a sentence from The Post and write a question it might answer: / A. Go figure. Q. With the ban on guns now strictly enforced, what did the Math Olympiad official yell to start the competition? (Kevin Dopart) A. To both gentlemen, I pose a question: WTF? [from Dana Milbank's column] Q: What was the moderator thinking in every presidential debate ever? (Todd DeLap) *Week 1084, limericks* /featuring words beginning with fi- to fo-: / I had dozens of bites on my bod On a Christmas I spent cursing God In a discount hotel In Cancun "" a noel I refer to as "Fleas Navidad." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Week 1074, describe a stage or movie musical with a parody /of a song from another musical:/ *"The Producers" to "Food, Glorious Food!" from "Oliver!":* Crude, glorious crude! Milk, manna and honey. When our show's booed, we'll keep all the money. Years slaving on proper shows; my bankroll got littler. So, what if instead I chose A— dolf— Hitler? Crude, glorious crude! Our ticket to riches. They'll be in the mood, those horny old witches. Just picture this perfect plan! How could we get screwed? With . . . Crude "" tasteless and rude "" Childishly lewd "" manners eschewed "" Glorious crude! (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for poems about people who died in 2014. See bit.ly/invite1105. ====================================================================== WEEK 1107, published January 18, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1107: Bill us now — our biennial 'joint legislation' contest Plus the winning matchups of TV shows with 'appropriate' songs It's Joint Legislation time! (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers January 15 (Click here to skip down to the results of our contest to match up TV shows with humorously "appropriate" songs) *The Beyer-Tillis-Love Act to encourage Valentine's Day jewelry purchases* *The Kirk-Takai Resolution to Boldly Go* ** The Manchin-Newhouse bill to keep 500 people from sending this combination unless there's an amazingly clever description* This week's second prize: The Joint Subcommittee on Shell Corporations. (Two members were off doing research on a Caribbean beach.) (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Every two years, even when when the electorate doesn't much agree with her own political preferences, the Empress gets excited whenever there's a large turnover in Congress. (And not just at the Apple Pastry Appreciation Day press conference.) It's because there will be more freshmen's names to cobble together for the Invite's "joint legislation" contest, a game we've been playing since 1993. Actually, despite the big GOP gains in November, there are only 64 new people in the House and Senate for this 114th Congress (if you count people who've moved from one to the other) — which is a dozen or so fewer than in the 113th. So we're padding out the list by adding veteran senators whose names haven't been used in any previous Invite results. After all, the new legislators had better learn to work with their seniors. So: Combine two or more names from the list of members of Congress (the list is at the bottom of this page) to "cosponsor" a bill based on their combined last names, and state its purpose, as in the examples above. Sometimes people will string together six or eight names to create something that sounds like real words only in the deluded mind of the writer; one year, someone sent in "Yoho-Vela-Williams" to mean "Jehovah's Witnesses," which prompted a whole lot of imperial tiara-scratching. You may translate your effort for the Empress, but do it on a separate line so she can try it without a hint first. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the fine sculpture pictured at left; donated by Cheryl Davis, who brought it up from Myrtle Beach just for us. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 26; results published Feb. 15 (online Feb. 12). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1107" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Howard Walderman and Mark Raffman. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . PUN-CHAINED MELODIES: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1103: For Week 1103, we asked you to pair a TV show with a humorously "appropriate" song. Many entries fell (with a thud) into the Duh category: "We Are the Champions" with the Olympics, for instance. But others found the zing. 4th place: "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" for "Dexter" (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) 3rd place: "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me" for "The Cosby Show" (Nancy Schwalb, Washington; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the Pee-Pee Poo-Poo hand sanitizer: "Tears of a Clown" for "The Glenn Beck Program" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: "Three Times a Lady" for "The Biggest Loser" (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Unthemely: honorable mentions /For "19 Kids and Counting":/ "Oops! . . . I Did It Again (Brian Cohen, Norfolk, Va.) "Stop! In the Name of Love" (Carole Franks, Lewes, Del., a First Offender; Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) "Baby One More Time" (Frank Osen) "Dancing on the Ceiling" for "Flip This House" (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer" for "How I Met Your Mother" (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) /For "Sex Sent Me to the ER": /"Don't Do Me Like That" (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) "Bang a Gong (Get It On)" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) For "WWE Smackdown": "Try a Little Tenderness" (Thomas Salander, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) For "Six Feet Under": "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" (John Shea, Philadelphia) "Amazing Grace" for "The Amazing Race" (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington) For "The Bachelor": "What's Love Got to Do With It" (Christopher Lamora; Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) "Turn! Turn! Turn!" for NASCAR sprint racing (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) "When Doves Cry" for "The Rachel Maddow Show" (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) "Sunday Bloody Sunday" for "Game of Thrones" (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) For "CSI": "It Had to Be You" (Christopher Lamora) "The Long and Winding Road" for Katie Couric's televised colonoscopy (Jeff Shirley) "Pick Up the Pieces" for "Miami Vice" (Larry Gray) "Put on a Happy Face" for "Nip/Tuck" (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) "Great Balls of Fire" for "The Apprentice" (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) /For "The Cosby Show": / "How Long Has This Been Going On?" (Philip Justus, Potomac, Md.) "Don't Drink the Water" (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) "Papa Don't Preach" (Roy Ashley, Washington) /For "The View": / "Pickalittle (Talk-a-Little)" (Charles Mann, Falls Church; Kathleen DeBold) "Whole Lotta Rosie" (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) For "Saturday Night Live": "I Don't Care Anymore" (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) /For "Hoarders": / "Let It Go" (Brian Cohen) "Never Gonna Give You Up" (Ninamarie Maragioglio, Burke, Va., a First Offender; Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) "Bang Bang Bang" for "Jersey Shore" (John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.) "Blank Space" for "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" (Brian Cohen; Lori Petterson, College Park, Md.) "Where Have All the Flowers Gone?" for the Tournament of Roses Parade (Pie Snelson) *Still running — deadline Jan. 20: Our contest for New Year's resolutions for 2115: See bit.ly/invite1106 .* THE CONGRESSIONAL FRESHMEN(PLUS SOME VETERAN SENATORS) Below are the names of the new members of the 114th Congress, along with many incumbent senators. Combine two or more of their names to produce "joint legislation" that reflects their names, and describe its purpose. See the contest rules at the top of this page. Abraham Aguilar (pronounced AG-u-lar) Allen Ashford Babin ("babbin") Baldwin Barrasso (rhymes with "lasso") Bennet Beyer ("buyer") Bishop Blum Blumenthal Booker Bost (rhymes with "cost") Boyle Buck Capito (CAP-i-toe) Carter Cassidy Comstock Coons Costello Cotton Cruz Curbelo (cur-BEL-lo) Daines DeSaulnier (de-SO-nyey) Dingell ("dingle") Dold Emmer Ernst Feinstein Fischer Gallego (guy-AY-go) Gardner Graham Graves Grothman Guinta ("ginta" with a hard G) Hardy Heinrich (HYNE-rick) Heitkamp Hice Hill Hoeven (rhymes with "rovin' ") Hurd Jenkins Kaine Katko Kirk Klobuchar (KLO-ba-shar) Knight Lankford Lawrence Lieu ("lyoo" but "loo" is close enough) Loudermilk (as opposed to quieter milk) Love MacArthur Manchin (rhymes with "ranchin' " McCain McConnell McSally Menendez Merkley Mikulski Moolenaar Mooney Moulton Murkowski Nelson Newhouse Palmer Perdue Peters Plaskett (rhymes with "basket") Poliquin (polla-kwin) Radewagen (RAD-e-wa-jen) Ratcliffe Rice Rounds Rouzer (rhymes with "trouser") Rubio Russell Sasse ("sass") Schatz Schumer Sessions Shaheen Stefanik (ste-FAHN-ick) Sullivan Takai (ta-KYE) Tillis Torres Trott Walker Walters Watson Coleman (she uses both names) Westerman Wicker Young Zeldin Zinke ("zinky") ====================================================================== WEEK 1108, published January 25, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1108: Hearts of dorkness — your funny valentine Plus the winners of our contest for three-letter abbreviations(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers January 22 *To my Costco cashier:* *If you would be my one true guy* *I'd stand in line for days and days.* *Since without you I can't buy* *My 15-gallon mayonnaise.* (Andrew Hoenig, Week 645, 2006) *From Poseidon to Medusa: Oh, how I'd love to run my fingers through your snakes.* (Lloyd Duvall, Week 544, 2004) We're celebrating Valentine's Day in a Loserly way: by running a contest that asks for you to write valentines in January, with results that run a whole week after the holiday, like a forlorn box of chocolates on the clearance rack at Rite-Aid. SURGICAL IMPRECISION: No Valentine's heart, but can we interest you in a "call bladder"? This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Prompted by Loser Daphne Steinberg's suggestion on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook, the Empress discovered that the Invite had done three valentine contests — but none since 2006. So this week we'll combine elements from the earlier ones for another go: Write a humorous Valentine's Day sentiment to someone (or to some organization), either real or fictional — either from you or from someone else you name,* as in the missives above. Plus an all-new option: We'll also be willing to run at least one really funny, clever, well-executed graphic* (make sure you don't use copyrighted art, and send it as an attachment to your e-mail). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a colorful foam puzzle of the digestive system, donated by registered nurse and registered Loser Marleen May. Without even bothering to reach for a scalpel, you or your child can yank out a human liver, rectum or even "call bladder." Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 2; results published Feb. 22 (online Feb. 19). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1108" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . In Week 1104, we asked you to compare or contrast two or three things (or somehow link them, when we're feeling lenient) that have the same three-letter abbreviation, or are three-letter words. We did this contest last year with abbreviations from AAA through DZZ; this time we have the EAAs-through-HZZs. Sometimes the abbreviation is for a foreign spelling that we're not going to spell out because it is Eesti Olumpiakomitee. 4th place *EAA:* The*Experimental Aircraft Association* is /not/ the official carrier of the European Actuarial Academy. (Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place *GSA: The*Geological Society of America has experts on geysers. The *Gerontological Society of America* has experts on geezers. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2nd place and the fossilized dinosaur poop: *EPA: Majority leader: "Senator, among the Equal Pay Act,* the *Environmental Protection Agency* and English Pale Ale,* you may keep only one." Ted Cruz: "Cheers!" (Frank Mann, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *HDP:* The law firm Harness, Dickey & Pierce* and high-density polyethylene:* "High-Density Polyethylene" would make a lousy title for a porn flick. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Barking up the wrong 3s: honorable mentions *FAC:* Members of the First Apostolic Church* are theists. Members of the Freethought Association of Canada* are eh-theists. (Chris Doyle) *HDF: Hadfield Railway Station* and high-density fiberboard: Where can I get the best ham sandwich on the British Railway and what does it taste like? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *HPD: Histrionic personality disorder* and*highest posterior density:* Both make these letters a great title for Kim Kardashian. (Chris Doyle; Frank Osen) *GMA: "Good Morning America"* and "Good Morning Australia":* The difference between them is day and night. (Kristen Rahman) *ENS: Empty-nest syndrome* and empty-nose syndrome:* In both cases, the little boogers are gone. (Chris Doyle) *GGB: Greek government bond* and Golden Gate Bridge: If you would buy one, then perhaps I could also interest you in buying the other. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *And also: The Golden Gate keeps you /above/ water. (Kristen Rahman) *EOK:* The Estonian Olympic Committee* and the Hellenic Basketball Federation:*One is a bunch of guys in Tallinn, Estonia; the other is a bunch of guys who are tall in Greece. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) *GFS:* The Girls Friendly Society* and the Global Financial System: *You don't want to crash the second one. (Mark Raffman) *FCA: Financial collection agency* and Funeral Consumers Alliance:* I see debt, people. (Chris Doyle) *FSA:* A Fellow of the Society of Antiquaries* studies ancient relics — like members of the Florida Shuffleboard Association.* (Chris Doyle) *EAU:* If you say "eau," you're in French; if you say "European Association of Urology,"* urine English. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *ETS:* The Evangelical Theological Society* and the Educational Testing Service:* Both involve rooms of people beseeching God for the Answer. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *HSI: High-speed Internet and horizontal shaft impactor:* One is how we find porn. The other is why. (Rob Huffman) *EAT:* If you're in the shrinking middle class, your earnings after taxes might leave you barely able to do this. (Frank Mann) *GNU:* The difference between*a wildebeest* and the*free software collaboration group* is that the wildebeests make better dinner party guests. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *GLB:* The differences between the gay, lesbian and bisexual* community and the Girls' Life Brigade* Christian youth organization are fewer than you would think. (Todd DeLap) *GMT: With geometric measure theory:* Here's looking at Euclid. With the Giant Magellan Telescope:* Here's looking at Uranus. (Chris Doyle) *GAG*: A device to prevent speech and, ironically, a laugh-provoking act: Both refer to how people see China's attempt to ban puns. (Frank Osen) *HRA: Health risk assessment and home runs allowed*: With both, the more people you let score, the worse off you'll be. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) ** GAL: "Get a life"* and a galileo,* a unit used measuring local variations in the acceleration of gravity: For some reason, whenever I start talking about the latter, I hear the former. (Kevin Dopart, Washington; John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *FCI: Federal correctional institution* and French Culinary Institute.* The first does not use Gruyère in the sauce mornay. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *HSA:* The Haiku Society of America* and the Homeland Security Act:* Suspicious package? Call us! We already know Your number, neighbor. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *FWM: Four-wave mixing, an intermodulation phenomenon in nonlinear optics that will never be understood by . . . (*Frank William Mann, *Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our biennial "joint legislation" contest in which you combine the names of members of Congress. See bit.ly/invite1107. ====================================================================== WEEK 1109, published February 1, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1109: Fictoids of Columbia — tell us some fake D.C. trivia Plus Dead Letters — winning poems about the dearly (and not so dearly) departed of 2014 Would we tell you that "Anacostia" means "River of the Floating Corpse" if it weren't true? Duh. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers January 29 (Click here to skip down to the winning poems about people who died in 2014) *In the native tongue of the Powhatan tribe, "Anacostia" means "River of the Floating Corpse." *The precocious Pierre L'Enfant (a.k.a. "Peter the Kid") was 6 years old when he laid out Washington's system of avenues and boulevards.* *In the wake of the Citizens United decision, the D.C. Council voted to impose a sales tax on congressional elections. In the tradition of the Invitational's promulgation of totally bogus trivia — but of course totally counter to the reputation of Washington as a place where you'll always hear the truth — 183-time Loser Mark Raffman suggests this latest round of fictoids: Tell us some humorously untrue "facts" about Washington, D.C., and the surrounding area.* We realize that out-of-towners — not to mention out-of-countriers — are at something of a disadvantage this week. But the jokes don't have to be terribly local; jokes about the federal government are welcome as well. (However, they may not include references to politicians creating "hot air." Ever again.) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two books, by different authors, titled "The Book of Useless Information," 2006 ("The harmonica is the world's most popular instrument"), and "The Book of Totally Useless Information," 1993 ("Why do we call 12:00 p.m. 'noon'?"). In the Google era, these might as well be titled "The Useless Books of Information," except to inspire our fake-trivia contests. Donated by Cheryl White. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Feb. 9; results published March 1 (online Feb. 26). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1109" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Beverley Sharp; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . TOMB IT MAY CONCERN: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1105,OUR ANNUAL OBIT POEM CONTEST: Week 1105 marked our annual contest for poems about those who died in the previous year. For 2014, along with the many for Marion Barry and Joan Rivers and Mickey Rooney, numerous Losers turned to those who'd put themselves in the running for Darwin Awards for stupidity. 4th place: *Peng Fan, chef:* A Chinese chef was making soup in Foshan, so it's said; This dish required a cobra, so he first chopped off its head. In retrospect, he should have picked a less exotic item, 'Cause (holy smoke!) the head survived just long enough to bite him. Now poor Peng Fan is very dead. Perhaps Confucius should have said: "Make sure your main ingredient Is more or less obedient." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3rd place: When*Joseph Shivers blessed the world with spandex, All other workout clothes turned into Brand X, And that was hailed as something truly beauteous, Not least among admirers of the gluteus. Yet, sometimes in this land of sloth and plenty, I wish that hindsight weren't 20/20. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the outhouse-motif S&P set: *Roger Easton, GPS inventor: His loved ones pray that as he roamed the sky In search of angels waiting, He heard, "Your destination's here on high"— And not "Recalculating." (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) AND THE WINNER OF THE INKIN' MEMORIAL: The radium wristwatch fell quickly from grace When it poisoned the women who painted its face. They ingested the poison while sharpening tips Of their brushes by twirling the points with their lips. But Mae Keane found that yucky, and quit the third day, Then lived ninety years more before passing away. So this last of the radium girls made her mark As the first one to die and not glow in the dark. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) THE METER'S EXPIRED: HONORABLE MENTIONS *Joan Rivers:* "Can we talk?" cackled Joan. "That old coot, The Almighty, is really a beaut! So, you're God? Okay, bub, Then don't dress like a schlub. Lose the robe! Shave the beard! Get a suit!" (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *Marion Barry (I):* It's a humorist's gift that continues its giving Even well after the subject stops living. He set himself up (other pols fail by half): That's why he's forever our Mayor for Laugh. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Marion Barry (II): *The Mayor for Life's honorific is "late," But odds are next poll, he'll still capture Ward 8. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Bob Hall: * A Globetrotter trick was to put up a finger And set there a b-ball and spin it. But now "Showboat" Hall spins a different way: Though he trotted the globe, he's now in it. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) *Wojciech Jaruzelski* was the Kremlin-backed PM Who locked horns with Solidarity in a Cold War stratagem. Both he and Lech Walesa were deliberate and smart, But when it came to politics, the two were Poles apart. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Mickey Rooney: "You'll die shortly," he was told, Ever since he was a kid, And though he lived till he was old . . . That's exactly what he did. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Anastasia Tutik & Miguel Ramos *Two lovers loving on a balcony high. Two lovers falling, unable to fly. Their friends and neighbors now pay their respects. A chilling reminder to practice safe sex. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) *Edmund Abel,* Mr. Coffee inventor: The guy who changed our morning brew Achieved a ripe old 92. His secret? Till he shuffled off he Never drank a drop of coffee . (Melissa Balmain) *Zeus, world's tallest dog, you were a trouper! Dog heaven's going to need a bigger scooper. (Frank Osen) *Greater the Flamingo *(the oldest known): For eighty-three years since cracking his egg, Flamingodom he'd been commanding, And if he'd just tried the opposite leg, He very well might still be standing. (Nan Reiner) *Sheila MacRae & Ann B. Davis :* One played Ralph Kramden's pestered second spouse; The other brightly kept the Bradys' house. They each achieved a state we can't ignore: No, Alice doesn't live here anymore. (Kevin Dopart) *The creator of the "Where's Spot?" books:* Where's Eric Hill?* Is he under the sofa? No. Is he in the hamper? No. Is he under the bed? No. Is he in the coffin? There's Eric! (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) The two-faced cat named Frank and Louie* Always looked extremely screwy. In feline heaven he arrives Upon expending 18 lives. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Stephanie Kwolek, inventor of Kevlar: Poly-paraphenylene terephthalamide: Thanks to Steph, we've got this stuff to keep our guts inside. (Melissa Balmain) Animator Arthur Rankin Jr.*: In "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," He showed his craft devotion. He's now become an example Of permanent stop-motion. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Countess Anne Dorte * of Rosenborg (Denmark): Cute as a button and common as coal, she wed into a royal clan. Her husband, a prince, had to lower his rank to marry this nobody, Anne. His kin, while noble, wereplain as potatoes, there's no sugarcoating the truth — What these blue bloods were lacking in the chin, they more than made up for in tooth. Anne added nice-looking heirs to the line, proving when it comes to genetics, It's smarter to dip outside the pool, if you want to enhance the aesthetics. (George-Ann Rosenberg — no relation, Washington) *Alex Shulgin,* inventor of Ecstasy, Has moved from this life to the next to see If euphoria there Can begin to compare: Is it better than drugs, rock and sex to see? (Mark Raffman) *Wakachichibu Komei,* The sumo wrestler, passed away. And as he's buried by his kin, The weight of it is sinking in. (Brendan Beary) *Mae Keane (II): A sonnet In nineteen twenty-four 'twas all the rage: A watch whose numbers glowed when all was dark. Young women earned a decent living wage, Detailing tiny digits on the mark. These "radium girls," to get a finer tip, Would pass their paintbrush 'tween pursed lips a bit, But Mae O'Donnell could not stand that sip Of magic paint, so she was urged to quit. What seemed ill luck for Mae at age eighteen, Became the gift of life and happiness, For soon thereafter radium girls were seen With gruesome symptoms — death sometimes, no less. Mae's brush with fate did point her way to heaven, But not before she turned one hundred seven. (Diane Wah, Seattle) Costco founder Robert Craves* Checked out — he's in the aisle marked "graves." With all the products Costco stocks, Let's hope they gave him one Big Box. (Frank Osen) Talented? Shmalented. Pretty Bess Myerson,* As Miss America She was revered. After a lifetime of Judeo-pulchritude, She'll be remembered as Ed Koch's beard. (Nan Reiner) Dental-implant pioneer Per-Ingvar Branemark:* Toothery-woothery, Per-Ingvar Branemark Showed how to make fake teeth Stick in one spot. Thanks to the implant's vast Profitability, My oral surgeon is Buying a yacht. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton, Md.) With 16 wins, a record streak, This horse was racing's greatest star. Top jockeys heard the same critique: "Your mount was close, but no Cigar."* (Chris Doyle) *King Joffrey* from "Game of Thrones" Schemity screamity, Joffrey Baratheon Slew for a throne at a Murderous pace; Died at his wedding, which Later was named for the Thanato-cyanosed Shade of his face. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Arthur Valerian Wellesley* Puddily-wuddily Eighth Duke of Wellington Died just in time to be Versified too. Duke One, of course, triumphed Napoleonically. This duke has now met his Own Waterloo. (Chris Hansen, London) We lost an artiste When Ruby Dee* ceased. (Nan Reiner) ====================================================================== WEEK 1110, published February 8, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1110: The mama of all humor — tell a [someone's] Mama joke Plus the winning and Losing New Year's resolutions from the year 2115 It's 2115 — what are you going to do? We're going to MemeWorld! A runner-up New Year's resolution from Week 1106. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers February 5 (Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1006, New Year's resolutions for 2115) *"Pope's momma so fat the bathroom scale just said 'High Mass.' " *"Pope's momma so dumb she asked for a papal bull at Sizzler."* *"Pope's momma so fat they give her a poker chip instead of a Communion wafer."* You wouldn't look too thrilled either if you were straddling a cactus and had backward-Dalmatians coming after you. This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Joking for a moment in a much more serious context last month, Pope Francis let it be known that "if someone "says a curse word against my mother, he can expect a punch." Which immediately prompted the duo of Tom Scocca and Joe MacLeod to pen "A Selection of Jokes About the Pope's Momma" — including those above — on Gawker. The list was brought to the attention of the Empress by one of Scocca's biggest fans: another Scocca, Tom's brother Dave. And Dave also had an idea, one that taps into a latter-day Invite tradition: This week: Write a [Someone's] Mama joke for some well-known figure, past or present, real or fictional. ("Mama" is The Post's usual spelling, so that's what we'll use.) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a festively painted Latin American-style clay statue depicting a troubled-looking man — understandably troubled-looking, since he's (a) straddling the top of a giant cactus, and (b) looking down at three polka-dotted dogs climbing the cactus after him. Donated by Cheryl Davis. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 16; results published March 8 (online March 5). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1110" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / ^ The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . . The Empress serves as a handy stand for the skunk hat. She promises to freshen it up before sending it off to first runner-up Beverley Sharp. (Photo by Pie Snelson) HAR TIMES AHEAD: NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2115: In Week 1106 the Empress asked for resolutions that you or someone else might make 100 years in the future. Dozens of Losers vowed to take an oceanside vacation on the Nevada coast, etc., as well as to get tickets for what's being billed as the final Rolling Stones or Cher tour. 4th place: I vow to put on my Grumpy Cat ears and take the family to MemeWorld. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3rd place: I resolve to finally learn how to get that blinking "12:00" off my video implant. (Stuart Denrich, Owings Mills, Md., a First Offender) 2nd place and the skunk hat: I resolve that every single day, I will read both pages of The Washington Post. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: I'm going to take the family out to Skyline Drive to watch the tree change colors. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) Lemon pledges: honorable mentions We resolve to increase shareholder profits by reducing the stacking bench distance from 3 inches to 2.5 in all of our Economy Class travel pods. — DeltaUnitedAmerican Airlines (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) I won't buy another bunch of replicants I don't need on Cyborg Monday. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) I resolve to step down on the occasion of Little George's 102nd-birthday Jubilee. — Elizabeth R (Carroll Reed, Centreville, Va.) I resolve to stop nagging my car to pull over and ask for directions. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) I resolve not to make mocking cartoons of Prophet Bieber. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) I promise to start wearing some clothes when I enter other people's dreams. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) I vow not to cross the street just because a couple of Venusian kids are wearing hoodies. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) I will increase my birding life list to five. (Kevin Dopart) No more drunk droning. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) I'm going to plant some azaleas and tulips to provide food for the endangered white-tailed deer. (Nancy Schwalb) Dang! I'm lonesome. This century, I resolve to get out more. — Gabriel Garcia Márquez, Heaven (Beverley Sharp) Even if no relatives come to visit, I'll still take the kids into town to see the Museum of God's Natural Creatures and the National Gallery of Pornography, Blasphemy and Heretical Idolatry. (Frank Mann, Washington) I vow to try six new ways to serve cockroach loaf, so we can have a different meal every day of the week. (Dayna Fellows, Bethesda, Md.) I will suggest to the Treasury that it's really, really time to remove the penny from circulation. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) I'm going to be first in line when the D.C. streetcar route opens later this year. (Roy Ashley, Washington; Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.; Lee Mayer, Washington) I resolve to commit the required number of criminal offenses so I can run successfully for the D.C. Council from Ward 8 . — Marion Barry VI (Nan Reiner) I vow to continue my great-grandfather's valiant efforts to repeal Obamacare. — Rep. Skippy Boehner (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) This year, I resolve to eat only /Diet/ Soylent Green. (Nan Reiner) I resolve to exercise my First Amendment rights vigorously enough to be the winning bidder in at least 10 congressional elAuctions next year. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) This year I will /not/ complain that we still don't have flying cars. (Bill Landau, Potomac, Md., a First Offender; Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) I'm going to enact the next phase of our national push for technological superiority by issuing a Walkman to each North Korean citizen. — Kim Jung Umpteen (Michael Greene, Richmond, Va.) Having finally wearied of disguise, I resume my own identity to tell everyone where the dang thing is. — J. Ponce de Leon (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Once again I resolve to use the Orgasmatron only once a day. (Jeff Shirley; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) I vow to start taking better care of myself — I really don't want to look 150 at 120. (George-Ann Rosenberg) I will save enough money to get my spare head out of the pawnshop. (Steve Honley, Washington) I vow to lose that last 50 and get back to my college weight of 425. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) I resolve to complete my definitive biography of the first president of the New Republic of Texas, Ted Cruz. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) I resolve to pillage neighboring walled compounds only if my own tribe dines on dust, or if I'm bored. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) I will follow Microsoft's security recommendation and change my password every three minutes. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) I resolve to stop playing Candy Crush after I beat level 2115. (Jeff Covel, Arlington, Va.) We resolve to conduct next year's presidential campaign with all the dignity our ancestors would expect. — W.J. Clinton III and G. Bush XI (Mark Raffman) I resolve to stop marrying heads that are too young for me. — the reanimated head of Larry King (Melissa Balmain) Okay, this is the year when I'll buy one of those smartphone things. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) I'm definitely going to redeem my unused PostPoints . (Roy Ashley) I will continue to remain dead. — Francisco Franco (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) I resolve to stop telling those hurtful and denigrating "Yo Clone" jokes. (Beverley Sharp) /And Last:/ I'm going to try to get as much Style Invitational electrophoretic display material as Kevin Dopart IV. (George-Ann Rosenberg) *Still running — deadline Monday: Our contest for bogus Washington trivia. See bit.ly/invite1109. ====================================================================== WEEK 1111, published February 15, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1111: When you riff upon a store — plus 'joint legislation' results(Bob Staake/for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers February 12 at 11:51 AM (Click here to skip down to the results of our "joint legislation" conte) *A women's bartending school: Lady Slings the Booze (Chris Doyle) *An Indian restaurant: Love Me Tandoor (Chris Doyle) *A mail-order fabric store: Some Day My Chintz Will Come* (Diane Wah) *A Haight-Ashbury liposuction clinic: I Left My Lard in San Francisco *(Rob Pivarnik) This week's contest was inspired by an apropos-of-nothing post by 26-time Loser Steve Langer in the Facebook group Style Invitational Devotees: "I'm going to open a laser depilatory salon to compete with the bikini wax business. It'll be called "50 Ways to Lase Your Love Hair." Shortly afterward some of the Devotees offered more examples of what would become This Week's Contest: Use a wordplay on a song title as a name or slogan for a real or imagined business,* as in the examples above. It shouldn't be hard to think up a lot of entries for this contest, so remember that there's a 25-entry limit; as always, you can list all your entries in a single e-mail as long as you have a little space between lines so that the Empress's head doesn't fall tiara-first onto her desk in frustration. Also remember that if your entry is identical to more than one or two others, it won't get your name in the paper. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, so appropriately for this week's contest, a musical prize: the Dr. Fart electronic key chain — "Never Silent, Always Deadly" — featuring a little plastic box with buttons bringing forth "six hilarious fart sounds." Donated by Loser Nan Reiner, who, while carrying this useful personal-safety device, never once was threatened by an ax-murderer. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 23; results published March 15 (online March 12). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1111" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Danielle Nowlin; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Peter Shawhan. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . GETTING THEIR ACTS TOGETHER: THE 'JOINT LEGISLATION' OF WEEK 1107: For Week 1107, our biennial "joint legislation" contest, the Empress fleshed out the usual pool of congressional freshmen with a list of incumbent senators whose names hadn't been used in previous contests. Once again, numerous members of the Loser Community drove the Empress to tiara-scratching distraction by submitting strings of names that resembled some phrase only in the entrants' deluded minds (I'm waiting to hear next that they're seeking the Republican nomination); for example, "Ashford-Lawrence" was supposed to be read as "Ass for low rents." The "bills" below are much more valid as pronunciation goes, but if you don't get one, don't get all huffy and call the Empress; just click here for the same list accompanied by translations at bit.ly/invite1111-key . But do read them here first. 4th place: The Boyle-Dold-Rice* school lunch program (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) 3rd place: The Lieu-Dold-Ratcliffe* Resolution to express Congress's opinion about Bill Cosby (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.; David Clayton, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place and the sculpture of seven smiling guys made out of little shells: The*Cotton-Gardner-Graves* bill to create euphemisms for slave cemeteries (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: The Buck-Perdue* Act, levying a $1 fine for every deposit your dog leaves on federal land (Dawn Kral, La Plata, Md.) Retch across the aisle: honorable mentions The Mooney-Kaine-Beyer-Love* Act to note that some Beatles lyrics are factually incorrect (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) The Young-Mooney-Love* bill declaring that no, YOU hang up first (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) The Gardner-Young-Menendez-Graves* Act to increase security at military cemeteries (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) The*Lieu-Peters Declaration of National Cheerios and SpaghettiOs Day (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) The Buck-Fischer* Act to vote however you want me to vote (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) The Beyer-Rubio-Newhouse* bill regulating compensatory payments from NFL players to their abused spouses (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) The Knight-Mooney* Bedtime Demand Resolution (Charles Hummel, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) The Young-Boyle-Sasse* Act to mandate that young men start minding their manners. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) The Hardy-Daines-Hill-Zinke-Cruz Act to provide an ice cutter to ferry folks from Copenhagen to the Finnish capital every January (Beverley Sharp) The Katco-Kaine* Feline Narcotics Act prohibiting catnip as a gateway drug (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington; Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) The*Baldwin-Young-Love* Resolution stating that follicle-challenged men are natural chick magnets (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The*Graves-Heitkamp-Sessions* bill to encourage the telling of ghost stories around the fire (Steve Langer) The Buck-Tillis-Sasse-Hurd* bill to limit bronco riding at weekend rodeos (David Adlerstein, Apalachicola, Fla. The Young-Guinta-Daines-Tillis-Knight Resolution that we might as well let the kids party all day long (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) The Young-Stefanik-Sessions Act to end "whole language" reading instruction in our nation's schools (Chris Doyle) The Rice-Coons-Buck-Schatz* bill subsidizing Appalachian wedding essentials. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The Blumenthal-Blum* bill prohibiting immigration officers from shortening surnames (Michael Baker, Ellicott City, Md.) The Guinta-Beyer-Rounds-Tillis-Love* bill to provide dating tips for pathetic men. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Dold-Daines-Allen-Graves* Education Amendment requiring shorter Shakespeare synopses (Mary Kappus, Washington, a First Offender) The Young-Barrasso* Act to excise spoonerisms from the Congressional Record (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) The Hurd-Daines-Knight* subsidy for those who have been working like a dog (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) The*Rubio-Capito-Lieu* Memorandum about the proper design of the University of Oklahoma logo (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) **The Walker-Trott-Buck-Wicker* bill to encourage pedestrians to step livelier (Chaya Shuch, New York) The Peters-Nelson* bill to legalize one of the more controversial wrestling holds (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) The Hurd-Hardy-Knight-Love-Sessions* Act requiring better soundproofing in motels (David Patch, Toledo, Ohio) The Coons-Russell-Watson Coleman* act mandating tighter lids on campers' food containers (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.; Brendan Beary, two of several Losers to use the two-word name of Rep. Bonnie Watson Coleman) The Fischer-Boyle-Dold-Cotton resolution to investigate the Senate cafeteria's cod casserole (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) The Schatz-Hurd-Rounds-Manchin Act to investigate who killed Mr. Boddy with the gun in the conservatory (Mark Raffman) *Gardner-Hurd-Graves-Russell bill to assist mentally ill cemetery groundskeepers (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) The Bennet-Booker-Kaine* Act to require Catholic schools to offer reading "Pride and Prejudice" as an alternative to corporal punishment (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) The*Mooney-Knight-Graves-Walker-Rounds* Act establishing zombie liberties (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The Cotton-Nelson-Lieu* Act to ensure properly stocked restrooms (Bill Gage, Nellysford, Va., a First Offender) The Comstock-Newhouse* Act to subsidize gifts for first-time home buyers (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) The Rouzer-Walker-Booker* Act to establish law-enforcement procedures for handling intoxicated women (Frank Mann, Washington; John Ramos, Duluth, Minn., a First Offender) The Hurd-Dingell-Katko-Trott* Act to fund Pavlovian conditioning research on felines (Mark Raffman) The Torres-Dingell* Act to mandate safety zippers for men's trousers (Larry Rubin, Silver Spring, a First Offender) The McCain-McConnell-McSall-Mikulski* Resolution to celebrate the game One of These Things Is Not Like the Other (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale) *Still running — deadline Tuesday night: our contest for [someone's Mama] jokes. See bit.ly/invite1110 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1112, published February 22, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1112: We want some SHARP neologisms; plus winning valentines Dishpair: When you're served liver and jello on the same plate. What other word can you come up with that contains S, H, A, R and P?(Illustration by Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers February 19 (Click here to skip down to the winning and Losing valentines to and/or from particular people) *Dishpair: What you get when you're served liver and jello on the same plate. *Sharecopper: A tenant miner.* *Himpersonation: The chick's in the male.* Properly decked out in pearls and skunk hat for her induction, Beverley Sharp is the 10th member of the Style Invitational Hall of Fame, with 500 inks. (FAMILY PHOTO) The Empress is almost unbearably tickled to announce the induction of its 10th member of the Style Invitational Hall of Fame: Last week, along with the skunk hat she won as a second prize, Beverley Sharp dabbed at her 500th blot of Invite ink since her first honorable mention in Week 604, a decade ago. Beverley, a former French teacher and social worker who moved to Montgomery, Ala., after a number of years in Washington (her married name is Amberg, but she uses her own surname for the Invite), sends us a long list of entries every single week, even when she's on a cruise, traveling in Europe, tooling around on the Mars Rover, etc., and she's aced just about every kind of contest we can throw at her, most notably her zingy but never crude song parodies and other poems, such as today's belated valentines. And certainly neologisms as well, which is why fellow Hall of Famer Chris Doyle suggested this week's contest: Coin a word or short term that includes all the letters S, H, A, R and P,* in any order (they don't have to be clumped together) and describe it, as in Chris's examples above. Feel free to use the word in a funny sentence; that might be what gets you ink over someone else who thought of the same word. Yes, Beverley gets to enter. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets an actually pretty wholesome how-to book called "Knit Your Own Kama Sutra," containing instructions for knitting cute little man and woman dolls and accessories like bathrobes and cowboy hats; the dolls are about as anatomically correct as Barbie and Ken. However, there /are/ a few photos of the knitted beings posed in some rather tightknit ways, so if you end up winning this and you're not 18 (or if you just don't want it), you get a tote bag or mug. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 2; results published March 22 (online March 19). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1112" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results and the honorable-mentions subhead are both by Jeff Shirley. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . . We also invited valentines in graphic form: Here's an honorable mention from Kevin Dopart, Washington. I'M WITH CUPID: THE VALENTINES OF WEEK 1108: In Week 1108 the Empress asked for valentine sentiments to and/or from particular people, real or fictional. In Loserly fashion, we present the results a week after everyone stopped thinking about valentines. 4th place: *To the NEA on Valentine's Day: I just wanted to remind you how much I love and respect teachers. They are the most undervalued and overworked group in America. — I'm Scott Walker, and I approve this message. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) 3rd place: *Dear Passenger:* Please don't be hasty! Oh, will you Not yet make us transit non grata? We promise we'll try really hard not to kill you. Our [garbled]. Sincerely, WMATA . (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place and the puzzle of the digestive system: *To Ms. X in the corner office:* Though your training did mention Unwanted attention And warned not to take it too far, A foxy exec's Got me thinking of sex So I hope you don't think it bizarre That I brought you some flowers And loitered for hours In the hall where your door was ajar; I guess I'm just wired To get myself fired By the smokin' hot head of HR. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *To Yoko from John:* We could make beautiful music together. Well, I could anyhow. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Please B-minus: honorable mentions *To House Speaker Boehner from President Obama:* Although you dis me, pout and whine I think you're really neato, So here's a gift, sweet valentine: My big fat heart-shaped veto. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) Other men may like them Full and firm — that's where they're at But you're the one I want to hold: I love you 'cause you're flat. — To my special football, from Tom Brady (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *From Wilt Chamberlain to any of 20,000 women:* Dear (your name here): It was (positive adjective). You'll always be (another positive adjective) to me. (Rob Huffman) *To Josephine from Napoleon: Come with me and share my doom And I will give you Elba room. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) This valentine gift is from Wal-Mart to you — A valued employee we're proud to call ours. A health plan? A union? A raise? No can do! Just a card that says, "Love, hearts and flowers." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *From University of Virginia sorority members,* /after being banned from a weekend of frat parties: / Dear Frat Row boys of UVA: We're forced to throw these cards away. Our mother chapter busybodies Say it isn't right that hotties Such as us go drink your booze; They think we lack the brains to choose, And if we did this weekend's keggers, Most of us would end up preggers Or, perhaps, meet worse results — But really now, we're all adults! You're sweet, reserved, refined, polite (Though seldom on a Friday night), And while your bingeing, barfing skill Is all the rage of Charlottesville, You'll have to drink alone, while we Go slum at Washington & Lee. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *From Elaine Orr Thayer to e e cummings: GET LOST, YOU JERK! (Roy Ashley, Washington) *To the Trivago Guy in the commercial:* In spite of scruffy hair and clothes , A day's growth on your beard — I was crushin' on you, Guy, Although your look was weird. And then I saw your newest spot, You really upped your groom! How 'bout you log onto that site And go get us a room? (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *To Dulcinea del Toboso:* Dreams like mine are grandioso. You're my valentine now, aren'tcha? — Don Quixote de La Mancha. (Chris Doyle) *From Hillary to Bill:* I've stuck with you through thick and thin From trailer trash through Miss Lewin'. Detractors jeered; I paid no notice. The reason's clear — I wanna be POTUS. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Bob McDonnell to Maureen : *Let them say what they want about us — You're still beautiful under a bus. (Kevin Dopart, who also gets an honorable mention with his graphic valentine near the top of this page) *Catherine the Great to Mr. Ed: Shhh — don't speak! (Mark Raffman) *To Commuters from Metro:* *Red Line, Green Line, Orange Line, valentine! Come take a ride through my tunnel of love. Blue Line, Silver Line, Yellow Line, Be Mine! [ALERT: Major delays due to ongoing rhyming issue. Next verse will arrive in 20 minutes] (Kathleen DeBold) *From Adam to Eve: I love only you (that's no fib!), And I'm mad for the cut of your jib. Though that thing with the snake Was a /major/ mistake (And I wish you would give back my rib). (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *From Kanye to Kim's Booty:* I love you, Kim's tushy, Oh, let me count the ways: You're large, but not mooshy (That gym I bought sure pays). And then there's your skin tone: My heart does a full gainer! Like fresh provolone With a hint of John Boehner. I see you on YouTube, When I browse Wikipedia, And on the wall in the men's room, Really, all social media! And I know it sounds lame, Since you've kept us in fashion, But it's just a darn shame You're attached to Kardashian. (Michael Greene, Richmond, Va.) *From Sisyphus to his boulder: It's all about effort! And not about goal — We're together for life! . . . And that's how we roll. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) *From Gloria Allred:* My client wishes you to be her valentine, in exchange for which you will grant, give, and devise upon her one-half of your total assets, as of this date and for twenty (20) years henceforward . . . (Nan Reiner) *To You Who Lift Me Up: I touched the right buttons, You opened up wide, So now dearest Otis I'm ready to ride. (Kevin Dopart) *To Sam-I-Am:* Forget the goat, forget the tree. Would you, could you, here with me? (Kevin Dopart) *To Meghan Trainor :* Some Romeos would give you long-stemmed roses in a box. Less classy guys might spring for mixed bouquets in china crocks. But I'm compelled to show you that my love for you's unique, So in New York at Sotheby's I bid on some Lalique, 'Cause Valentine, I understand that in your special case, It's all about that vase, 'bout that vase. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) *From Amy Pascal to Kim Jong Un:* Though my head and my heart are still stunned by your hack, Please be my valentine — I'll be yours back! So your country's a wreck, and your people all bony, You are the Un for me. — Starstruck@Sony (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) *To the postman:* Not snow nor rain nor sleet nor hail, Can keep away my favorite male, So here's a love note for the hunk Who each day stuffs my box with junk. (Mark Raffman) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest to use a pun on a song title to name a business. See bit.ly/invite1111. ====================================================================== WEEK 1113, published March 1, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1113: It's birthday parody time! Plus fake D.C. trivia. Give Fred Dawson (not actual size) or anyone else a different birthday song or a song for another occasion in this week's parody contest. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers February 26 (Click here to skip down to the winning fake facts about Washington from Week 1109.) Sixty-four-time Loser Fred Dawson celebrated his 70th birthday last Sunday. Fred has famously self-deprecating humor; once he sent the Invite a photo called "Looking Down Toward My Feet," which showed no feet but instead an expansive view of Fred's expansive middle. (It won the contest "Humiliate Yourself for Ink.") And so the Empress wasn't surprised when he told her he didn't want "Happy Birthday" sung to him at his party, but instead had written a show tune parody: "I am sixty-nine, going on seventy, starting to sound a wheeze/ There is no dodging, soon I'll be codging/ But first I should learn to geeze . . ." Fred also knows bad art when he sees it — he famously donated to the Invite a portrait he painted that, in the early days of Google, showed up at the top of a search on"world's ugliest painting" — and so he realizes that someone else in the Loser Community just might come up with a slightly better parody than his. This week: Write a song celebrating someone's birthday or other personal occasion (rather than, say, a holiday), set to a familiar tune.* As in all our parody contests, songs that run in the print paper tend to be very well-known melodies, while ones that run just online can link to a clip of the tune in question. Contrary to her usual policy, the Empress won't complain if an entry this week is credited to two people; still, she's just sending out one prize for it (does she look as if she's made of magnets?). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the latest in our series of incongruous snow domes; this one's a souvenir of that Alpine attraction New Orleans, complete with a crawfish that doubles as a ring toss game: shake the dome until the little ring lands on a little snowy orange pincer. Donated by Queen of the Snow Domes Cheryl Davis. The Big Cheesy: A souvenir from the Alpine climes of New Orleans, with a ring toss thrown in. This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, March 9; results published March 29 (online March 26). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1113" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / ^ The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the Style Invitational from four weeks ago . . . MR. MYTH GOES TO WASHINGTON: THE D.C. FICTOIDS FROM WEEK 1109: In Week 1109 we asked for bogus trivia about Washington and its environs; several people hastened to offer the fake fact that Washington has a football team. And I'm happy that my ban on "hot air" jokes about politicians resulted in only two entries making "hot air" jokes about politicians. If you're new to the D.C. area and don't get some of the references below, click on the links within the entries. 4th place: Michelle Obama collects USDA subsidies for not growing wheat in the White House garden. (Thad Humphries, Washington, Va.) 3rd place: The headquarters of the U.S. Department of Education was designed to resemble a large, nondescript office building. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Belly laughs: Fred Dawson's self-portrait "Looking Down Toward My Feet," winner of a 2006 contest to "humiliate yourself for ink." Happy 70th, Fred. 2nd place and two trivia books: At the oddly named D.C. State Fair , the Congressional Budget Office sponsors the Guess Your Height and Weight Within an Order of Magnitude Booth. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: During an attempt to attack Washington in July 1862, Confederate Gen. Stonewall Jackson became so ensnared in "an infernal circle of carriages and waggons surrounding the city. . . that sits forever unmoving" that he gave up and turned back toward Richmond. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) DMVetoed: honorable mentions *After Nixon visited China in 1972, the Smithsonian removed the exhibit of the panda that Teddy Roosevelt had killed in 1892 with a big stick. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *The D.C. flag* has three red stars over two red bars, symbolizing city's two bars for every three people. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *D.C.'s transit system* was originally the Washington-Harbor Area Train Service and Metropolitan Transit Authority, but it was felt that the acronym WHATSAMATA was just asking for it. (Frank Osen) *The Marine Corps Marathon course follows the typical cab route from the Arlington Cemetery Metro stop to the Iwo Jima Memorial. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.; those are the marathon's start and finish points) .*From 1751 to 1871, Georgetown residents *prevented any bridges from being built over Rock Creek to prevent ruffians from the West End from visiting. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *The Capitol dome is named after Rotunda, the Roman goddess of pork. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *President Ford* always declined invitations to attend shows at the Lincoln Theatre. (Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) *The Secret Service* was given responsibility for both presidential protection and financial crimes because it was more efficient that way with Warren Harding as president. (Mike Gips) *Young George Washington* did not chop down his father's favorite cherry tree, as popularly believed. He TP'ed it. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *The Old Executive Office Building* was recently expanded to provide space for both young and middle-aged executives. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *Ironically, at Verizon Center* you cannot hear me now. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *If you stand atop the DAR Building with binoculars and look toward the White House, you are likely to learn more about snipers than you need to know. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) *When specialists at the National Archives* recently inspected the Declaration of Independence, infrared light revealed the partially obscured signature of a hitherto unknown Founding Father named Brian Williams. (Chris Doyle) *To save money, D.C. speed cameras* are programmed to capture only two-digit speeds,. So if you go faster than 100 mph in the District, you can't get a ticket. (Dion Black, Washington) *The first athletic scholarship* given by Georgetown University was to basketball player Joe Saxa of La Jolla, Calif. (Kevin Dopart) *In August 1965, D.C. cabdriver Mel Smith stopped for a pedestrian in a crosswalk. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) ** Along with setting up a $250,000"We DC" lounge * at Austin's South by Southwest festival, the Bowser administration has also authorized a second venue, "We Wasting Your Money." (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *The Potomac River changes course* every four to eight years, which is confusing to the native species, except for the bottom-feeders. (George-Ann Rosenberg) ** Stand outside exactly 25 feet* from a corner of the Pentagon, at dawn on the winter solstice, and you will discover your butt has frozen. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *The Beatles' 1964 American tour *was supposed to open in New York — until Beatlemaniac J. Edgar Hoover made a few calls. (Rachel Bernhardt, Silver Spring, Md.) *In 1774 the Maryland tobacco planter John Marva became the first delegate from the Eastern Shore to serve in the Continental Congress. Soon afterward, the land containing his plantation was named the Del.Marva Peninsula. (James Foster, Silver Spring, Md.) *Hundreds of people lost their lives* during the construction of the Washington Monument, though none of them were on the site at the time. (George-Ann Rosenberg) *The Beltway expands about two inches every five years. (Art Grinath; Jon Graft, Centreville, Va.) *The National Space Museum* became the National Air and Space Museum so that visitors could breathe. (John Kammer, South Riding, Va.) *If you rearrange the letters in the inscription on the Jefferson Memorial dome -- "I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man" — it will reveal a secret note Thomas Jefferson penned: "Oft have I sworn to love and honor forever that friend in fate — my pretty, young inamorata, Sally Hemings." (Chris Doyle) *Before becoming being declared a "nuclear-free zone" in 1983,* the town of Takoma Park, Md., had more than 50 missile silos hidden in various storm sewers and dumpsters. (Art Grinath) *The UFO that is frequently seen hovering over the Capitol building is actually Diogenes,still looking after all these years. (Ted Remingon, Marion, N.C.) *The Air Traffic Control Association* refers to the airport across the Potomac as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named National Airport. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Despite the city's insatiable appetite for ticket revenue, a film buff on the D.C. Council slipped a little-known provision into the traffic law books: If a speed camera catches a DeLorean going exactly 88 mph , the infraction is waived. (Ben Aronin, Washington) *ACNY, a New York rock band named for founders Angus and Malcolm "Colm" Young, met with little success for some reason, but finally reached stardom after the Youngs moved to Washington and changed the band's name to AC/DC. (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) *The D.C. Council has begun testing mule-drawn barges* on the C&O Canal as a rapid-transit alternative to M Street traffic. (Michael Greene, Richmond, Va.) *The Washington Nationals have never revealed which nation. (Bruce Alter) *If you look closely at the statue of Franklin Roosevelt with Fala at the FDR Memorial, you will notice a small plastic bag peeking out of the president's pocket. (Michael Greene, Richmond, Va,) *The Washington Monument originally* was landscaped with two round topiaries at the base. (Art Grinath) // Still running — deadline Monday night: Our "SHARP" neologism contest. See bit.ly/invite1112. ====================================================================== WEEK 1114, published March 8, 2015 Mother goosers: The Style Invitational (someone's) Mama jokes from Week 1110 And the new contest for Week 1114: What's the good news? Good news, if you're a good-news person: Your Mama's fat cells may provide unlimited clean energy. See Week 1114 below this week's results.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers March 5 (Click here to skip down to this week's new contest: headlines for The Optimist) In Week 1110, we asked for "Your Mama" jokes about some particular mother (though they're really about the mother's child). We hereby apologize to any of these people's actual mothers. If they were smart enough to read a newspaper. 4th place *Dan Snyder's Mama* is so nice, he only sued her twice. (Ben Aronin, Washington) Magically delicious: This week's second prize is Lucky O'Pooper, a candy-pooping leprechaun, seen here from the most discreet angle. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) 3rd place *Ernest Hemingway's Mama* was big. As big as a woman who gave birth to a man. An honest man and strong, who did not mind that a big woman was his mama. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the figurine of a man straddling a cactus: *Brian Williams's Mama is so stupid, she can't remember giving birth to him aboard Apollo 11. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial *Yo-Yo Ma's Mama* is so dumb she named her son after her favorite stringed instrument. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) Ma-dissed proposals: honorable mentions *E.T.'s Mama* was so mean, she disguised her voice and told him he had the wrong number. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Harry Houdini's Mama* was so tricky, it took him nine months to get out of her. (Mark Raffman) *M.C. Escher's Mama* was so twisted, she gave birth to herself. (Dion E. Black, Washington) *Pope's Mama's* so fat that when she walks into a room she causes a schism. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Harry Truman's Mama was so dumb she couldn't think of a name that begins with S. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *René Descartes' Mama* so dumb she wasn't. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Hermann Rorschach's Mama* was so obsessed with reputation, she told her son to stop showing people all those dirty pictures. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Felix Unger's Mama is so anal-retentive, doctors need a jaws-of-life to give her a colonoscopy. (Ted Weitzman, Olney, Md.) *Calvin Coolidge's Mama* was so taciturn. (Jeff Shirley) *Kim Jong Un's Mama* is so fat and ugly that [(w%#f3- _*( ^4$8 0-lsljforejfuksu -%=o#<@ ^$?" +%zX &:/]* . . . error . . . error . . . error . . . (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Gandhi's Mama* was so mean, she fed him naan violently. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Pope's Mama's* so dumb, she thought infallibility meant he couldn't lose his balance. (Steve Honley, Washington) *Martin Luther's Mama* was so indulgent, she was nailed 95 times behind the church door. (Kevin Dopart) *Dana Carvey's Mama* is so dumb, she wrote George H.W. Bush asking him to stop making fun of her son. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) *Captain Kirk's Mama* is so loose, you boldly go where everyone's been before. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *William F. Buckley's Mama* was so pedantic she could make exhilarative disquisition both soporific and periphrastic. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *Stevie Winwood's Mama* was so mean she made him play in traffic. (Chris Doyle) *Pablo Picasso's Mama* was so ugly he had to invent cubism to paint her portrait. (George-Ann Rosenberg) *Wile E. Coyote's Mama was so mean, she bought stock in Acme Corp. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.; Edward Gordon, Austin, Tex.) *E.L. James's Mama* is so dumb, she thinks her daughter wrote a book on interior design. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) *E.L. James's Mama is so dumb that she went to the fruit juice aisle looking for Mommy Pom. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) *Whistler's Mama was so ugly, her son would only show half of her face. (Jeff Shirley) *Harry Truman's Mama's* bedroom was so welcoming, all the young bucks stopped there. (Kevin Dopart) *Vin Diesel's Mama's* so dumb, she got his first name off her truck registration certificate. (Michael Greene, Richmond, Va.) *Minnesota Fats's Mama* is so fat, her favorite game is Ate Ball. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Frank Lloyd Wright's Mama* was so dumb, she thought Fallingwater was a men's room her son designed. (Rob Huffman) *Optimus Prime's Mama,* Amazon Prime, offers free two-day schtupping. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Chuck Norris's Mama is so tough, when he was in the womb, she'd pay a black belt to kick him back. (G. Smith, Alexandria, Va.) *Superman's Mama* is so dumb she can't recognize him with glasses on. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *Clark Kent's Mama's* so fat, even with X-ray vision he can't see through her. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Sigmund Freud's Mama* was so dumb, he had an Oedipus Simple. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) *Charles Darwin's Mama* was so hairy, evolution just seemed obvious to him. (George-Ann Rosenberg) *Dr. Mengele's Mama was so evil, at birthday parties she jury-rigged Operation to give out 10,000 volts if you touched the sides. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Galileo's Mama* was so fat that before she walked past it, it was known as just "The Tower of Pisa." (Keith Waites, Frederick, Md.) *Chris Christie's Mama* is so fat you can see her behind Chris Christie. (Gary Crockett) *Colonel Sanders's Mama* is so lazy, when she goes to KFC she orders a side of couch potatoes. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Bob Staake's Mama* is so misshapen, his cartoons of her look like a normal person. (Josh Feldblyum, Louisville) *The prophet Muhammad's Mama* was so virtuous and loving that we honor her memory a thousandfold. (Jeff Shirley) And this week . . . NEW CONTEST FOR WEEK 1114:AWWW TOGETHER NOW: GIVE US SOME NEWS FOR THE OPTIMIST *Your Mama's Fat Cells May Provide Unlimited Clean Energy* *Visiting Martians Say They're Not Conquerors, Just Want 'to Serve Man,' Plan Elections Soon *Israelis, Palestinians Find Common Ground: Both Pass on Pork Belly Fad You know how hard it is to bring yourself to even look at the slew of dispiriting headlines these days, let alone the depressing articles that follow them; sometimes it's as if comic-book villains have come to our real world, with no caped superheroes to bail us out. The Washington Post has come to our rescue: Every week it sends subscribers an e-mail newsletter called The Optimist, with links to good-news and feel-good articles — "stories that inspire." (To sign up, go to your account at bit.ly/twp-newsletters .) Recent headlines included "Couple married 67 years holds hands in final hours together; "Cat cheats death, claws way out of grave days after his burial"; and "The Hubble spotted this smiley face in space." But if we're really optimists, why limit the news to good news? If we want to live up to the name, we should see the bright side in bad news as well.** This week: Write us a humorous headline — from the present, past or future — that puts an optimistic perspective on some otherwise not-so-promising news,* as in the examples above by 225-time Loser Gary Crockett, who suggested this contest. (Do you think another recent Invite contest was on his mind?) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives Lucky O'Pooper, a cheap-looking plastic wind-up leprechaun that poops candy. (Packaging: "I Poop Candy!") Donated by 119-time Loser Barbara Turner. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, March 16; results published April 5 (online April 2). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1114" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . Today's headline is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Shirley. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column (published late Thursdays) discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *Still running — deadline Monday night: our song parody contest for "Happy Birthday" alternatives and other occasions. See bit.ly/invite-1113 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1115, published March 15, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1115: Make your own headline typo Plus 'Mr. Tandoor Bean Man' and other song title puns as business names(Bob Staake/for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers March 12 ** (Click here to skip down to the song puns of Week 1111) The Invitational regularly runs a contest to choose a headline from The Post, then misinterpret it in a bank head, or subtitle, under it. This week's contest is a twist on it, a break for those who don't want to bother with The Post's actual words: Change a headline in an article or ad in The Washington Post or on washingtonpost.com from March 12 through March 23, by adding or subtracting one letter; substituting a letter; switching two letters; or changing spacing or punctuation; and then add a "bank head," or subtitle*, as in the inking entry above by Beverley Sharp, from a previous time we did this contest, in 2011. You may also omit a beginning or ending phrase from a complex head. You may capi­tal­ize each word of the headline if that will help your wordplay. /Make clear what the original headline said;/ I'm not about to track it down. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the excellent hat modeled here by YMCA fitness instructor Brian Whitaker of Fort Washington, Md., who never saw a goggle-eyed squid hat that he didn't want to put on his head immediately. Donated by Dave Prevar. We told Brian Whitaker he'd get a little squirt of ink if he would agree to model the squid hat. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / (or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 23; results published April 12 (online April 9). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1115" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter Week 1115, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . . LITTLE SHOP OF HAR-HARS: THE SONG-PUN BUSINESSES OF WEEK 1111: In Week 1111 , we asked for puns on songs that could be used as the name or slogan for a business. The Empress knew she'd be facing a deluge of entries; here are the 57 best of some 5,000. If yours isn't included below, it was surely her 58th choice.) Don't know what song some entry is punning on? Each of the titles below links to a video of the original. 4th place: The Building Trades Training Institute of Tucson: Do You Know the Way to Sand, José? (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) 3rd place A female-owned home remodeling business: Shingle Ladies (Put a Wing on It) (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) 2nd place and the Dr. Fart electronic key chain: A store specializing in kitschy "country" decor: My Oaken Tacky Home (Mae Scanlan, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial A by-the-hour motel: Whole Lotta Check-In Goin' On (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Reelin' in the nears: honorable mentions A fertility clinic: Four Runts in My Life (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) An avant-garde sushi bar: Eel Eyes Coming! (Dawn Kral, La Plata, Md.) A personal counseling service: I Only Advise for You (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) A fossil analysis lab: I Want It B.C. Dated (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Kim Kardashian's personal trainer: Your Arse So Beautiful (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Progressive Insurance: Geico Killer (David FitzPatrick, Rochester, N.Y., a First Offender) A golf coaching firm: Consultants of Swing (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) ISIS recruitment office: That's What Fiends Are For (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) A gay-friendly church: God Bless Ye! Marry, Gentlemen! (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) A shop specializing in engagement rings, wedding planning and birth announcements: Ice, Rice, Baby (Todd DeLap, Fairfax) A urologist's office: The Impassable Stream (Beverley Sharp) A cheerleading supply store: Pompom Circumstance (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) Imported candies: Hal's Swedish Fish (Will Be Loved by You) (Frank Osen) An Indian vegetarian food stand: Mr. Tandoor Bean Man (Andrew Ballard, London) A campaign strategy firm: Fly Me to Des Moines (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington; Richard Friedman, Indianapolis, a First Offender) A transplant center: My Heart Will Go In (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) A heavy-arms dealer: We've Only Just Big Guns (Chris Doyle) A yoga studio: Omward Bound (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) An assertiveness-training course:*Getting to No You (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) An S&M club: The Lay & Slaps Tonight (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) The Global Warming Information Center: Your Heatin' Chart (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) A cafe for poetry readings: Iamb, I Said (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) A sex-change-reversal clinic: Return to Gender (Greg Arnold, Herndon, Va.; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) A septic tank replacement crew: Pu Pu and Away (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) A kosher sidewalk cafe: Knaidel in the Wind (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) A kosher bourbon distillery: Mashmaker, Mashmaker (Edward Gordon, Austin) An STD testing service: Break It to Me Genitally (Chris Doyle) A mourning wear boutique: Don't Stop Bereavin'* (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A dental surgery center: We Can Jerk It Out (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) A school for dental hygienists: You Floss That Lovely Filling (Jeff Shirley) The National Super PAC Clearinghouse:*As Slime Goes By (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va., a First Offender) A think tank on Latin American affairs: El Ponder Casa (Diane Wah. Seattle) An oxygen supply company: Med Doses for a Blue Lady (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) A circumcision referral service:*500 Mohels (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) A vineyard maintenance company: The Grapery Tender (Frank Osen) A class for subprime mortgage brokers: Peaceful, Easy Stealing (Carmiya Weinraub, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) A French jeweler: Lucien, This Guy With Diamonds (Gary Crockett) Canadian rail tour agency: Take the Eh Train (Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario) A hiring agency for migrant workers: Serfin' USA* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) A luxury lice-removal service: Nits in White Satin* (Nancy Schwalb) A clothing clearance outlet: Save the Last Pants for Me (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.; Gregory Koch, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) A pH testing company:*Take It to the Litmus (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) A remedial school for magicians:*The First Time Ever I Sawed Your Face (Dave Prevar; Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) FedEx Field:*Boulevard of Broken Teams (Gary Crockett) A bonsai nursery: I Got Yew-Babes (Christopher Lamora) A cashew vendor: I Got Plenty of Nut Things* (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) A cellphone repair shop: Samsung Blew (Beverley Sharp) A Bay Area bridge club: I Led My Heart in San Francisco* (Chris Doyle) A Martha Stewart-licensed funeral home: Oh, What a Beautiful Mournin' (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) A specialty brothel:*Buy Bi Love (Nan Reiner) A Broadway consulting firm:*Do You Want to Build a Show, Man? (David FitzPatrick) Wholesale cheese exporters: Ricotta Gets Out of This Place* (Frank Osen) *And last:* The Style Invitational Devotees: Losing's My Religion (Gary Crockett) /For a list of entries that were puns on on "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," see The Style Conversational at bit.ly/conv1115 (to be published late afternoon on March 12). ./ *Still running — deadline midnight March 16: Our contest to spin an event to fit The Post's newsletter The Optimist. See bit.ly/invite1114 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1116, published March 22, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1116: Punning in Place—make a geographic neologism And the winning and Losing 'SHARP' words from Week 1112 Nessee. a Clinch River denizen. In Week 1116, make a new word or name from the letters in a place name. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers March 19 (Click here to skip down to the winning "SHARP" neologisms of Week 1112) */From "Tennessee":/ Nessee: Mythical creature reported to live in the Clinch River. /** From "Fairbanks":* / SkarfBin: The most popular apparel department at an Alaska Wal-Mart. Much to his chagrin, Buddy realized he was way overdressed for his interview at Acme Glue. The springy dashboard-topper that's this week's second prize. (WORLDWONDERS.NET ) */From "California":/ ForniCal: State agency responsible for setting up dates for married politicians.* This week's contest was suggested by one of the more widely traveled members of the Loser Community: 227-time Loser Christopher Lamora currently heads the U.S. passport office in Los Angeles, but he used to follow the Style Invitational from State Department posts in Guatemala and Cameroon, among other places outside the usual Invite delivery area. *This week: Create a new term using only the letters in a place name,* as in Christopher's examples above. You don't have to use all the letters, but you can't use a letter more often than it appears in the word;* for instance, if you're using "California," your word may have as many as two A's. Entries are more likely to get ink if the definitions relate in some way to the place name. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives Creepy Horse Man , a spring-necked bobblehead "dashboard wiggler" of a man in a business suit and carrying an attache case . . . well, if he has a horse's head for a head, is he a man? Whatever. He has a certain dignity. Donated by Diane Wah. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, March 30; results published April 19 (online April 16). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1116" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jeff Shirley; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp Herself. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column (published late Thursday) discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . . SHARP-infested worders: The neologisms of Week 1112: Week 1112 commemorated Beverley Sharp's induction to the Style Invitational Hall of Fame (admission: 500 blots of ink) with a contest for neologisms that include the letters S, H, A, R and P. "ƒ A great term but offered by too many contestants: Harspray,* as when you coffee-spit all over the Invite results. Not living up to Beverley's name were perhaps dozens of entries that substituted "sh" for the "s" in a word, then defined it as something alcohol-related: e.g., "Repasht: *Dinner with a drunk." Sheez. "ƒ Yes, we let Beverley enter this contest. Did she get ink? 4th place: *ShAARPie:* What's used to cross out any legislative language to cut retirement benefits. (Andrew Elby, Arlington, Va.) 3rd place: *Sapphron:* Newly popular color for wedding dresses in 37 states, by last count. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the book "Knit Your Own Kama Sutra": *Mensamorphs:* Big-headed types who aren't smart enough not to remind everyone how smart they are. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Apostrophy:* The "Grammar Nerd" award some adults think they deserve for knowing the difference between "your" and "you're." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) SHARP decline: Honorable mentions *Retrophrase:* To translate current jargon for the less current. "That's a nice thank-you letter to Grandma, dear, but you need to retrophrase 'kthanxsbye.' " (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Mrsshapen:* Matronly. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Shrapnil:* The "enemy fire" that Brian Williams's convoy came under. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.; Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Hos of Representatives:* Political consultants. (Kevin Dopart) *Rashputin:* Russian for "foreign policy." (Diana Oertel, San Francisco) *Shrink-rapping: Hip-hop psychotherapy. "Your mama so incredible/You must be feelin' Oedipal." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *WETAmorphosis: Developing an instant British accent from watching "Downton Abbey." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Psychiatryst: Taking the "doctor/patient relationship" to a whole new level. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Biasphere:* The political echo chamber. "The senators' letter to Iran made perfect sense in the Fox News biasphere." (Chris Doyle) *Shillanthropist: Someone who spends more on advertising his company's charitable contributions than on the contributions themselves. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Pharrellish: Happy. (Barry Sackin, Murrieta, Calif.) *pHarsi:* Language of a country whose leaders have acid tongues and base intent. (Mark Raffman) *Parishimonious:* Putting a dollar in the church collection plate and then taking out change. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.) *Sarcophagush:* To deliver an over-the-top eulogy for a crummy person. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Bris-hap:* A case of moylpractice. (Brendan Beary) *Pharmesan:* Cheese made from hormone-fed cows. (Mark Raffman) *Terpsachore:* Greek goddess of dancing in the middle of Route 1 while lighting mattresses on fire. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Sharpnel:* Collateral damage that results when the Reverend Al joins a cause. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Apartish:* Going through a trial separation. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) *Par mitzvahs:* Coming-of-age ceremonies at the country club. (Christopher Lamora) *Sharecrapping:* A living arrangement in which the dog owner supplies food and shelter while the dog supplies the poop. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Eh-sharp:* The high note in "O Canada." (Ben Aronin, Washington) *Splarsh:* The sound of a pirate walking the plank. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) *Shtuperman:* He comes to save the day, but unfortunately he's faster than a speeding bullet. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) *Harpieces:* Ridiculous toupees. (Frank Osen) *Proaches:* What a well-mannered person does before reproaching someone. (Frank Osen) *Spanker of the House:* Secret aide to the majority whip. (Chris Doyle) *Shakespeer:* A guy who soliloquizes at a urinal. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) *Cashpar:* The Fourth Wise Man, who brought money since he could never do gift wrap. (Edmund Conti) *Scatastrophe:* An overflowing toilet. (Beverley Sharp) *Dress-harper:* The Facebook friend who is /still/ insisting to everyone that it's white and gold. (Danielle Nowlin) *Shaperone:* Your Weight Watchers buddy who says, "Are you sure you want to order that tiramisu?" (Kevin Dopart) *Hormel sapiens:* Soylent Spam. (Chris Doyle) *hAARPies:* Elderly women who mooch off people's plates. "I turned away for a second, and one of the hAARPies stole my Jell-O." (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Poshtrami:* Lunch meat at Whole Foods. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) *Whisperado:* That creepy guy who thinks he's "connecting" with women by getting within four inches to talk to them. (Jeff Hazle) *Bachspring:* A bed with a built-in alarm clock that plays "Wachet Auf." (Brendan Beary) *Harsplitting:* The absurd actions of a stickler that prevents a brilliantly funny limerick from winning the Invitational's haiku contest (Ellen Raphaeli) /And last:/ A Phrase:* Well, you asked for a phrase that included the letters S-H-A-R-P, didn't ya? (Frank Mann, Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday night, March 23: Our contest to add a "typo" to a Washington Post headline and then write a "bank head." See bit.ly/invite1115. ====================================================================== WEEK 1117, published March 29, 2015 Week 1117: Twist of fete — winning parodies for birthdays and more And another parody contest on its heels "Everything's Come Up Neurosis," this week's winning song parody. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers March 26 (Click here to skip down to this week's encore parody contest.) In Week 1113, for the Invitational's annual-or-so song parody contest, we asked for alternatives to "Happy Birthday," or songs for other "personal occasions." Because some otherwise inkworthy submissions weren't either of those things, we're going to do an encore for Week 1117 with different parameters (see the new contest below this week's results). As always, the song titles below contain links to video clips so you can hear the melodies as you read (or sing along — it's okay, we can't hear you). 4th place On my next birthday: (To the tune of "Try to Remember") I try to remember where I put the blender And how to work the channel changer. This smartphone, oh dammit, I just can't program it; Each year these things get so much stranger. I've gone in a trice from dispensing advice To each and every family member, With IM and text, to being perplexed And "Hello?' "Hello, hello, hello, hello?" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place For Brian Williams's no-doubt-impending retirement party: Thanks for your memory: How you caught that RPG And tossed it back with glee So that it promptly flew right back and killed the enemy — How lovely it was! Thanks for your memory When you and Al Gore met And spawned the Internet, Even though no credit you would ultimately get -- We #thankyou so much! (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) 2nd place and the crawfish snow dome from New Orleans: For my 95th birthday: (To "Stayin' Alive") Well, you can tell by the way I tilt my head When you start talkin', I ain't grokkin'. Everything you've said 'cause my ears went dead 20 years ago when my eyesight fled But it's all right, it's okay, At least I'm still alive today. It could be worse, I could be dead Six feet below a flower bed. Here upon my birthday, it's my "I'm not in the earth" day And I'm ninety-five, ninety-five .?.?. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: For starting your course of therapy, from your psychiatrist: (to "Everything's Coming Up Roses") You'll be swell! You'll be great! If you keep every therapy date. All your blots told me lots, And now everything's come up Neurosis. Fear of heights, OCD And a multiple polarity. Rest assured — can be cured: DSM gives a clear diagnosis. You've got trauma that could constipate Freud. Your head's so filled with drama, Oedipus thinks you're his mama! You'll get well, this I'll vouch, If you spend lots of time on my couch. I'm the doc; follow me! (Go in hock for my fee.) And then I'll shrink your yen for drinky-poo, 'Cause now everything's come up hysterical Munchausen; Everything's come up dysphorically deviant; Everything's come up regressed schizophrenia; Everything's come up Neurosis, for you and for you! (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) ADVERTISEMENT Celebrasions: honorable mentions For an "involuntary employment transition": (To "Downtown") When you're a drone and your division feels lonely, You can be, you know, downsized. Now, you must worry, find employment and hurry Once they let you go. Downsized. Your fate has been decided by a management committee, Left upon the sidewalk where your future isn't pretty. Wow, did you lose! This bites; it's not right or fair. You can't forget all your troubles, forget they don't care. You've been downsized. Now you're irate 'cause you're downsized. No job is safe or sure. Downsized. Everything's waning for you. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) On getting into college: Amazing grades — A 4 point 0 And perfect SATs! So Princeton's where I plan to go. (My tiger mom agrees.) (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) On your sex reassignment procedure: (to "Hey Jude"): Hey dude, I'll bet you're glad To look down where you've got a part there! Remember to lift the damn toilet seat Now that you're complete, With all the right hardware. Hey dude, don't be afraid, Chromosome Y is now your letter; Remember to belch and scratch where you may Now that stuff's okay, And your pay is better! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) For Edward Snowden's birthday: (To "Won't You Come Home, Bill Bailey?") You can't come home, Ed Snowden, you can't come home. In shadows you must roam. And for your birthday this year, you'll get some borscht Served in an onion dome. I know you had your reasons, But DOJ Says you will have to pay. They want to try ya — you're a pariah, Ed Snowden, you must stay away. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) For Vladi­mir Putin's birthday: (To "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard") For being so strict, my prison was picked For a special undertaking; We cultivate wheat so that Vlad can eat, And when October comes, we'll start on the baking! Yes, we'll stay awake Through frigid, frosty evenings To make his cake! He'll open the gates, and we'll start to cheer: "Blessings to Putin, the king of polonium!" We'll be feeding Vladimir down in the gulag. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) For my brother's 50th birthday: (To "The Bare Necessities" from "The Jungle Book") You've finally hit the big five-oh And something that you got to know: Preventive care is now a part of life. There is just no denying how The time has come, so please allow Procedures that will cause some pain and strife. My mind starts to wander as I'm disrobed. I couldn't be fonder of being probed. There's been no food or drink for me Except four quarts of P-E-G; When they look under my underpants And take a glance while I take a stance, Then, I'll feel brand new The colonoscopies of life are good for you. They're good for you! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; and his brother Stephen Contompasis, Burlington, Vt.) On the birthday of someone "of a certain age": (To "Over the Rainbow") Someone over the hill is who you are. In the river of life you're now at a bridge too far. Somewhere over the hill is where you dwell. You'll find out what they say is true: Getting old is hell. When someone talks of matters "hip" You think about how you could slip and break one. You're lucky to have your own knees But you must take care not to sneeze Or laugh hard — .no fun. Some say "you're old as you feel"— oh, what claptrap! Unless you're two hundred and twelve, 'cause most days you feel like crap. So happy birthday, you old fool: Lift up your glass and drink—try not to drool. (George-Ann Rosenberg) On a birthday: (To Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah") Today you'll get a stupid card And cake and pastries full of lard It's "add more inches to your massive girth" day. You'll drink some booze, perhaps a fifth, But that won't help your spirits lift As people, all off key, sing "Happy Birthday," Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday .?.?. The mindless Facebook greetings mount;; They're meaningless, but still you count Them; it's your "way to measure what you're worth" day. "And many more," so goes the song You never thought you'd live this long — And it well could be your final Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday .?.?.. (John Bunyan, Cincinnati) On the occasion of "becoming a woman": (to "Bloody Mary" from "South Pacific") Bloody Menses are the – life for you Till your female fertile – days are through. Not a blessed thing that – you can do. Now ain't that too damn bad! That's the way our bodies – reproduce: Gotta cut each little – ovum loose. But we sure could do with – out the juice. Well, ain't that too damn bad? There is just one way this – mess to rid: Get yourself knocked up and – cook a kid. Then you'll wish that wasn't – what you did, But ain't that too damn bad? In another forty – years or so, You'll be done with all the – crimson flow. Then your boobs and waist and – teeth will go, And ain't that too damn bad! (Nan Reiner) And Last: On the occasion of your 10th straight non-inking Style Invitational submission: (To "Smile") Smile though your heart keeps sinking, Smile though you've not been inking. When what you send's up to speed, you'll succeed. So just dial up your Loser technique, Style ink will come the next week. You'll see your name inside parens, my friends. Make 20 entries funny; Take five and strive for punny. E-mail a few clever jokes about poo. Try the way Loser minds are thinking, Using their wiles while inking. Then folks will celebrate your guile In Sunday's Style. (Chris Doyle, of 1,664 blots of ink) And now, the encore: . . NEW CONTEST FOR WEEK 1117: YOU GOT ANOTHER SING COMING In Week 1113, the Empress cued up a song parody contest, this one asking for songs "celebrating someone's birthday or other personal occasion (rather than, say, a holiday), set to a familiar tune." As today's results show, she got plenty of ingeniously clever parodies about birthdays and a variety of creative "personal occasions" — far more than we have room to share. But she also received some very fine, funny songs that even the Benevolent E couldn't accept as fitting the contest — they were about events in the news, or sometimes summed up people's life stories. But the Empress famously hates to throw anything away: This week: Write a song about a topic or person lately in the news, set to a familiar tune, and we'll also reconsider the best of the Week 1113 parodies that didn't qualify last time but would qualify here. (You don't have to resubmit them.) And this time, people, please tell poor E which song you're parodying. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a copy of the 1986 book "Fatherhood," by Bill Cosby, father of five. The chapters include "With Bouquets and Back Rubs" and "Unsafe at Any Speed." Donated by Randy Lee, who got it as a door prize at the Losers' Post-Holiday party in January. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 6, 2015; results published April 26 (online April 23). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1117" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline for this week's results and the honorable-mentions subhead are both by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv. Still running — deadline Monday, March 30: Our contest to make a new word from the letters in a place name. See bit.ly/invite1116. ====================================================================== WEEK 1118, published April 5, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1118: Breed 'em and weep — our annual foal classic Plus the Pollyannals: winning bad-news headlines spun to suit the Optimist newsletter If you bred Tradesman with Hold My Purse, you could name the foal Jenner Bender. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers April 2 (Click here to skip down to this week's results, for headlines that make bad news sound good) *Tradesman x Hold My Purse = Jenner Bender Mubtaahij x Easy to Say = Easy for YOU to Say *Mr. Z x Vandalize = Cut It Out, Zorro* *Ready Get Set x Punctuate = Ready, Get Set . . . Let's sound the Loseaphone, the official Style Invitational bugle — it's Post time: It's the 21st annual running of The Style Invitational's horse name "breeding" contest (not counting its spinoffs), which always draws thousands of entries in competition for a bobblehead, a $4 mug, a flimsy bag or a paper-thin magnet that hundreds of entrants will fail to win. On the other hand, while the Kentucky Derby charges owners at least $50,000 to walk a colt or filly into the starting gate, we'll let you in for the price of a double-spaced e-mail. At the bottom of this page is a list of 100 of the more than 400 racehorses nominated for this year's Triple Crown events; your job is to "breed" any two of them and name the "foal" to reflect both names, as in the examples above.* No, it doesn't matter that almost all of the horses in the list are male; this isn't Indiana, for cryin' out loud. A name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, as in the real racehorse world, but one or more of the characters may be punctuation marks or numerals. You may run words together to make the name fit if it's simply hilarious, but the name still should be easy to read. Make sure to spell the original horse name correctly in your entry,* or the Empress might not find it as she clicks her search button for the progeny of each horse on the list. As always, you may send as many as 25 entries, and they can all be on the same e-mail; in fact, the E would like that. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine owl pellet, a blob of stuff that an owl coughed up after snarfing down a baby bird or little mouse. Pull at it with tweezers and you can find bits of bones and feathers and sundry other ex-animal parts. Donated by Mike Creveling. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 13; results published May 3, on Derby Weekend (online April 30). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1118" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The "Pollyannals" headline is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead was submitted separately by Beverley Sharp, Dave Prevar and Jeff Shirley. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column (published late Thursday afternoon) discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . POLLYANNALS: THE SPUN NEWS OF WEEK 1114: In Week 1114, we asked for headlines that put "an optimistic perspective on some otherwise not-so-promising news" so it could fit in with the positive, inspirational articles featured in The Post's e-mail newsletter the Optimist. We welcomed headlines from the past, present or future and got all three. Some of the entries below, especially ones about the D.C. area, contain links to explain some of the references. 4th place: After Monster Storms Hit Vanuatu, 32 More People Know Where Vanuatu Is (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) 3rd place: /1793:/ How to stop head lice from spreading to the rest of the body: Marie Antoinette learns one quick trick (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) 2nd place and the candy-pooping leprechaun: Adorable Hamster Survives Earthquake That Killed Thousands (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial Milk Cartons Are Beautified With Youthful Portraits (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) THE FLOPTIMISTS: HONORABLE MENTIONS A New Foreign 'Pen Pal' for 47 Senate Republicans (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Rising Income Gap Reduces Number of 1-Percenters to 0.5 Percent (Mark Raffman) As RadioShack Goes Out of Business, Look for Deep Discounts on All Pong Games (Roy Ashley, Washington) American Inventiveness: Four in 10 People Find Clever Ways to Live on Scant Resources (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) Boko Haram Moves Girls Out of Poverty (Kevin Dopart, Washington) O'Reilly, Williams Unhurt as Bombs Explode in Ukraine, Syria, Yemen (Robert Schechter) D.C. Rabbi Proves That 'Liberal-Arts' Types Can Be Tech-Savvy, Too (Mark Raffman) Record Number of Families Spotted at Disneyland (Kevin Dopart) Get Ready for Swimsuit Weather with Miracle Sub-Saharan Diet (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Falling Tree Unites Man With Great-Grandmother He Never Knew (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Florida Bans 'Climate Change'; Key West Now Safe From Flooding (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) You might be selected to get line-by-line personalized tax advice about your 2013 return (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Town of Mariupol Hosts Russian Army Reunion (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) Over Past Year, Secret Service Made White House More Inviting to Visitors (Kevin Dopart) Metro Riders Celebrate Less Crowded Trains With New 'Survival of the Fittest' Program (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Fat, Homely Northern White Rhino Soon to Cease Being an Eyesore (Jeff Shirley) NSA Noted as a Leader in Internet-Based Learning (Warren Tanabe) Women in Government: 'Joe Biden Has Our Backs' (Kevin Dopart) Climbers Fertilize Mount Everest (Pam Sweeney) Utah Aiming Not to Use Lethal-Injection Drugs (Kevin Dopart) HAPPY HEADLINES FROM THE PAST — AND FUTURE /1865:/ 'Our American Cousin' Knocks 'em Dead at Ford's (James W. Hertsch III, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) /1961: /Berlin's New Wall Offers Miles of Fresh 'Canvas' to Street Artists (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) 1937: Sturdy N.J. Mooring Tower Withstands Blow From Dirigible (Jeff Shirley) /Distant past:/ Boat Family Survives 40-Day Flood by Eating Griffins, Unicorns (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) /Distant (?) future: /Robotic Overlords Acquiesce to Our Demands: Friday's Nutro-Goo Injections Now to Be Pizza-Flavored (John Kammer, South Riding, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, April 6: our encore song parody contest. See bit.ly/invite1117 .* THE HORSE NAMES TO USE FOR WEEK 1118 *First: Do the Empress a favor and . . . * "— Don't "breed" two names and use a third name from the list for the "foal." People do this every year and never get ink because it's just not a creative enough move. (Sorry.) "— Don't format your list as a chart, with tabs., etc. All the formatting disappears when the entries are combined into one big list for judging, and sometimes the names end up all over the page. Please just use regular text in your e-mail, with each entry on a separate line. "— It helps the Empress's eyes a lot if your entries have space between the lines — not tons; double-space is fine, or even 1.5 (if you write your list in Word, and copy the list into your e-mail). "— Make sure the horses you breed are spelled just as they are in this list, because the E will be searching on each of those names to compare all the foals from Horse A at once, then all the foals from Horse B. (We'll be using the format Horse A x Horse B = Foal, as in the examples at the top of the column.) /These 100 3-year-old racehorses are among this year's more than 400 Triple Crown nominees on a list published by BloodHorse.com ./ Acceptance Action Hero American Pharaoh Apollo Eleven Armored Car Baloney Mike Battle of Marathon Because I'm Happy Big Ben Black Lab Blame Jim Bold Papa Bolo Bourbon Commander Calculator California Coast Carpe Diem Changing Direction Classy Class Cold Spice Colonel Fish Comfort Condo Commando Crafted Cross the Line Danny Boy Daredevil Data Driven Defined Dirt Monster Dortmund Dubai Sky Eagle Easy to Say El Kabeir Equilibrium Escalate Fantasy Pain Far From Over Far Right Firing Line Flashy Jewel Frat Boy Frosted Gangster Giant Story Great Stuff Harmonic Help From Heaven Hero of Humor Hold My Purse How You Ideal In the Pocket International Star Itsaknockout Just Kidding Kid Zip Killingit Kiss the Road Leave the Light On Letuspray March Mighty Mousse Moon River Mr. Jordan Mr. Z Mubtaahij My Point Exactly Nasa No Problem Ocho Ocho Ocho Overcontrol Pain and Misery Prospect Park Puca Punctuate Pure Excitement Quality Bird Ready Get Set Richard the Great Royal Squeeze Scamp Shaken Not Stirred Skill Not Luck Squeegee Super Surfer Take Charge Brandi Texas Red The Man Tough Customer Tradesman Ultra Sharp Upstart Vandalize Will Did It Willing to Travel Wisecracker Your Thoughts Zip N Bayou ====================================================================== WEEK 1119, published April 12, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1119: We want hue so bad! Invent a new color name And the winning 'typos' in headlines, with the resulting interpretations Actually, we'd prefer you type your entries for Week 1119, a contest to name and describe a new color. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 9 (Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1115, our headline "typo" contest) *You'll Never Take Me Alive Copper: The color of a dirty rat. (Tom Criss; Dave Ferry) *Oxymaroon: A perky brown.* (Gina Morgan; Mike Thring) *Govern Mint: Please refer to specification Mil-Q- 17983245, Rev. G, w/Appendix J, which details the hue, tone, shade, tolerance, refraction, reflection, intensity and brilliance of this color. (Paul Styrene, aka Ted Weitzman) This week's second prize, the Happy Pill: Go ahead and operate heavy machinery. It's all good. (Not to be taken internally.) (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) The colors above were among the winning entries in a contest from Year 1 of The Style Invitational, back in 1993. It was a contest to "name a new crayon color for the 1990s," pegged to Crayola's own innovations of "Tickle Me Pink" and "Macaroni and Cheese." Given that many of Week 39's entries were as 1990s-colored as a Dodge Caravan in Island Teal, there were references to Joey Buttafuoco, William Kennedy Smith and the Rainbow Coalition — the Empress figures we can give this contest another go: *This week: Invent a name for a color and describe it, as in the examples above. They can be crayon colors, car colors, wall paint colors, lipstick colors, whatever. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the appropriately colorful Happy Pill, a pink and white hand-size plush toy capsule you can squeeze to its evident delight, since it commences to giggle raucously for 13 interminable seconds. Donated by the inexplicably beaming Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 20; results published May 10 (online May 7). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1119" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Roy Ashley. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational:* The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . HEAD-LYIN' NEWS: THE WINNING 'TYPOS' OF WEEK 1115: *In Week 1115* we asked readers to choose a headline appearing in The Post, and then create a "typo" by adding, deleting or substituting a letter; transposing two letters; or changing the spacing or punctuation. All of you who changed "public" to "pubic," you get no points for originality. 4th place: Top Pot-seeded Terps are all smiles* U-Md. drops ban on grow-boxes in dorms (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3rd place: Metro Retro leader search on hold* Nation decides Clinton vs. Bush will be retro enough (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the pink velveteen squid hat: *Netanyahu:* No Go Palestinian State Surprising upset pick in Bibi's NCAA bracket (Brian Collins, Olney, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Royal Couple Checks Out the* Mall Malt* Charles chugs Colt 45s while Camilla crushes cans against royal forehead (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Typo negative: honorable mentions ** I found my soul foul mate, my best friend* BO leads wife to husband's hiding place (Richard Lempert, Arlington, Va.) *If I can do just a few more reps, a few more* miles males . . . Congressional groupie testifies (Chris Doyle) *When Spock dies, Obama takes note nose* Desk ornament 'reminds me to be logical'; both ears already taken (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *U.S. Loses Track of Arms Sent to Yemen Yesmen* But allies 'seemed so agreeable,' State Dept. official laments (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Richard Gasparotti, Cockeysville, Md., a First Offender) *Putin Says Ease of Action in* Crimea Crime Was Surprising* 'But I'll stop robbing liquor stores anyway,' leader pledges (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) *A renewed push for* unions bunions* Tiny shoes with four-inch heels back in fashion (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Cruz set to make mate campaign official* Candidate says he wants to 'know' his staff (Elden Carnahan) *Wine and dine din* The baby-friendly bars of D.C. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Document details retails ex-Va. first lady's would-be testimony* The McDonnells: What won't they sell? (Ben Aronin, Washington) *What else could we try to ease highway thighway congestion?* How 'bout keepin' Your Mama locked up? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Teasing out the drama of ordinary* lives olives* Martini veterans' tales will leave you shaken, stirred (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Are your tenants ten ants moving out? Entomologist gives comforting tips for empty-nesters (Chris Doyle) Open Oxen government's promise falls short* BS production can't match human legislators' (Gary Crockett) *The unkindest cut* of off all* Vengeful mohels go overboard (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park) *Police arrest 5 in suspected* bomb OMB plot* Rogue budget analysts accused of moving decimal point in FY '17 baseline (Howard Walderman) *How an Easy Bill Got* Stalled Stalked* Clinton's still blaming it on Monica (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *Charles and Camilla spend a packed day in* D.C. W.C.* Irregularity causes change in sightseeing plans (Frank Osen) *Netanyahu's win points to 2 more years of* strained stained U.S.-Israel ties* Difficult to get the spit, vomit out (Mark Raffman) *Chicago* River Liver Goes Green for St. Patrick's Day* Unlikely to catch on as corned beef alternative, chefs say (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *Wizards stave off* Blazers' blazers' comeback* Hogwarts faculty may continue to wear robes, Dumbledore says (Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring, Md.) *Fairfax may revise its* grading goading standards* Double dog dare could be upgraded to triple (Gary Crockett) *Offshore drilling is too* risky frisky for Virginia* But Marylanders eager for shipboard liaisons (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) *Obama visits troubled VA VP facility* President calls on Biden at home, reassures him that people are laughing/with/ him (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) *Secret Service picks insider inside for No. 2 spot* Agents thrilled to finally get indoor plumbing (William Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) *His rise stalled, can Jindal regain* flight fright path? Route to GOP nod linked to effective fearmongering (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *An incomplete Student* Aid Acid Bill of Rights* 'I was gonna finish it but, dude, the colors! And it was kinda squirming.' (Gary Crockett) *If you're not my baby, I don't want to hear your opinions on breastfeeding beastfeeding* Woman insists she enjoys making dinner for man everyone else calls '@##$-head' (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *Off-duty cop hurt in one-way* crash crush* Patrolman still moons over dispatcher who won't give him time of day (Elden Carnahan) *Secret Service agents disrupted bomb boob probe* Crashed car into mammogram exam room (Patrick Olsen, Norfolk, Va., a First Offender) ** D.C.'s best* dishes disses of 2015* 'Get out of here, you lowlife scum!' gushes tearful winner (Frank Osen) '*I'm the best nose* tackle tackler in the league'* Knighton vows to master ear tackling next (Robert Gallagher, Charleston, S.C.) *So long,* SAT FAT: Admissions are about to change* Your diet regimen after gastric bypass surgery (Michael Greene, Richmond) *Still running — deadline Monday night, April 13: Our annual horse name "breeding" contest. See bit.ly/invite1118 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1120, published April 19, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1120: Celebrating our Differences: a retro comparison contest Plus 'USSRia' and other winning neologisms from place names Holey, holey, holey: socks and 'Skins. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers April 16 (Click here to skip down to the winning and Losing neologisms from Week 1116) /The Redskins' offensive line vs. a pile of odd socks:/ The socks have almost as many holes. /A tattoo of Joe Biden vs. a Style Invitational Loser Magnet:/ If you had the magnet attached to your shoulder, /maybe/ Biden wouldn't want to play with it. *"¢ A $4 haircut "¢ Dilbert's necktie "¢ Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the Macarena "¢ that "not so fresh" feeling "¢ pizza-scented shampoo "¢ the Redskins' offensive line "¢ a pile of odd socks "¢ the 400-meter dash "¢ a Style Invitational Loser magnet "¢ "American Gothic" "¢ Mohandas K. Gandhi "¢ an elderly Labrador retriever "¢ an Elizabethan sonnet "¢ a tattoo of Joe Biden "¢ Yemen "¢ an overactive bladder "¢ a three-cupped bra* One of these men will go home with you if you win second prize. And it's not Dean Evangelista of Rockville, Md. ( Selfie by Dean Evangelista) One of the most enduring (a.k.a. really easy to create) Style Invitational contests has been the one in which the Czar or Empress offers a list of random nouns and asks readers to explain how any two of the items are alike or different. Over the years, some of the winning comparisons seemed so fitting that we've been accused of constructing the list with those results in mind. But nobody could accuse the Empress of being/this/ well organized: This week: Each of the above 17 items appeared in a different Style Invitational compare/contrast contest from 1996 to 2014. Explain how any two of them are alike or different or otherwise linked, as in the examples above. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an eerily realistic life-size cardboard cutout photo of President Obama, donated by 12-time Loser Dean Evangelista. The cutout folds up, so we can mail it, but the winner will still have to wait till after May 30, because the Loser Community is absolutely going to use this as a prop during the Flushies, the Losers' annual awards lunch.(See this week's Style Conversational for details.) Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, April 27; results published May 17 (online May 14). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1120" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, posted late Thursday, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . INKING GLOBALLY: THE PLACE-NEOLOGISMS OF WEEK 1116: In Week 1116, we asked you to come up with a new term using the letters of a place name and define it; you didn't have to use all the letters but you couldn't reuse them. 4th place: From "Florida": La Froid:* A state where global warming can't happen . (Don Druker, Rockville, Md., who got his only previous Invite ink in Week 94, back in 1995) 3rd place: From "Dallas":*Sallad:* In North Texas, the sprig of parsley on top of your T-bone. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the Creepy Horse Man dashboard thingie: From "Montana": Not-a-man:* Someone who neither hunts nor fishes. (Mark Raffman) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: From "Russia": USSRia:* Putin's grand vision. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) Down under: honorable mentions From "Boca Raton": Baconrot:* A skin condition combining advanced age and severe tan. "My grandmother lies by her condo pool all day, working on her baconrot." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) From "Benghazi": Ba-zing!:* Audience cry heard at tea party rallies every time there's an attack on you-know-who. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) From "San Francisco": Cancan of Sirs:* Annual line dance on Castro Street. (Christopher Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) From "Buffalo": Off-blu:* Common Northern skin tone. (Gregory Huyck, Frederick, Md., a First Offender) From "Des Moines": Demnoises:* Thunderings that Iowans hear every four years from outsiders proclaiming themselves huge fans of ethanol and all other things corn. May be drowned out this year by gopnoises. (Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) From"Montgomery County" : *Countermom:* Someone who knows what's best for someone else's children. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) From "Saskatchewan": Eh-tack: An inoffensive offensive. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) From "Boston": "Turn off the storm, Snobot.*" "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." (Julia Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md.) From "Charlottesville": Chattelover:* What gossips called the original owner of Monticello. (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va., a First Offender) From "Leicester": Restlice:* Agitated, itchy and crawling with bugs. Hey, you would be too, if you'd been buried under a parking lot for 530 years . (Roy Ashley, Washington) From "Potomac": TooPAC:* Collect checks from yo' friends and wife. Cross the bridge, living the Smug Life!" (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) From "Indianapolis": Spinload:* Calling discrimination "religious freedom." (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) From "Saint Petersburg": Putin Tears:* Regret over countries not invaded and enemies still alive. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) From "Silver Spring":*Essing:* Adding an "s"where it doesn't belong . (Ted Weitzman, Olney, Md.) From "Los Angeles": All-Egoness:* Every city needs a motto. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) From "Beverly Hills": Bellyshrivel:* What most of the town's doctors do. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) From "Key West": Styweek:* Spring break. (Mary Kappus, Washington) From "Austin":*Anti-Us:* How the rest of Texas regards residents of the state capital, and vice versa. (Frank Osen) From "Silicon Valley": Evillainy:* What's causing hackers to date your data. (Frank Osen) From "Silicon Valley": "No Evil"? Silly:* Google's revised motto after it decided that privacy and profit don't mix. (Gary Crockett) From "North Carolina": TarHail: Welcome, y'all! (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) From "Charleston": HaSnort:* Snooty reaction of a South Carolinian touring the West Virginia capital. (Dave Komornik) From "Abu Dhabi": Dubbiah: Well-known provider of air bases. (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.) From "Georgetown": GoreWon:* Old bumper sticker still seen on Volvos in D.C. neighborhoods. (George-Ann Rosenberg) From "Phoenix": Nixhope:* Welcome center for undocumented immigrants. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) From "Cartagena, Colombia":*Cab, gal, erotomania:* Only one of these is an authorized Secret Service travel expense. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) From "Washington": WagNosh:* A Style Invitational Loser brunch. (John O'Byrne, Dublin, who has come over from Ireland to at least two of them) From "Mississippi": MissPissi:* Deep South term for a cranky store clerk. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) From "Ponder, Texas": Dope sex rant:* Why my neighbors avoid me. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) // Still running — deadline Monday night, April 20: Our contest to name and describe new colors. See bit.ly/invite1119. ====================================================================== WEEK 1121, published April 26, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1121: The an(n)als of civilization Sum up a 'bad day in history'; plus top parodies about the news Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Bad Day: Famously falling for doctored photographs made by two young sisters. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 23 (Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1117, song parodies about the news) *No Shot, Sherlock!* /June 30, 1920:/ Convinced that two teenage sisters have photographed actual fairies, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle asks their permission to use the photos in an article he is writing. (In a sort of proto-'Shop, they had clipped drawings from a children's magazine and took photos.) *The Riot of Spring* /May 29, 1913: /Crowds brawl, throw things at the premiere of Stravinsky's "Sacre du Printemps." *Cassius Belli* /June 20, 1967: /Muhammad Ali is convicted of draft evasion and sentenced to five years in prison. *He's Ex-Ex-Ex-Excommunicated* /September 29, 1227: /Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II was excommunicated for the first of four times. You can end up with your own Bad Days — by losing just enough in this week's contest. (Amazon.com) For every glorious day in history, there's more than enough unglory to balance it. D.C. author Michael Farquhar has come up with 365 "Bad Days in History" — one pegged to each day of the calendar, from the woes of ancient emperors to the debut of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians," and including the less than red-letter events mentioned above. The book "Bad Days in History: A Gleefully Grim Chronicle of Misfortune, Mayhem, and Misery for Every Day of the Year" was just released this week by National Geographic, but already Michael (who as a tyke 23 years ago was The Style Invitational's very first flunky, mailing out prizes and whatnot) is thinking about a Bad Days II, which of course would comprise another 365 unsavory or inauspicious events. And he'd like some input. *This week: Briefly describe some "bad day in history" — you may be, as Michael himself was, creative in what you classify as such — and sum it up with a humorous heading,* as in the examples above from "Bad Days in History." If Mike does write the sequel and thinks your Bad Day and heading would work in it, he'll use it and credit you in the book. (If you don't have an exact date for the event you use, that's fine for this contest.) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — yes! a copy of "Bad Days in History," signed by the Farq himself. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 4; results published May 20 (online May 17). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1121" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/invrules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by William Kennard. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of The Style Invitational posted four weeks ago . . . NEWSICAL COMEDY: CURRENT-EVENTS PARODIES FROM WEEK 1117: **In Week 1117 we asked the Parody Animals amid the Loser Community to write a song about someone or something in the news, set to a familiar melody. Among the hundreds of entries were lots about Hillary Clinton's e-mails and Binyamin Netanhayu's visit, and at least three songs about Indiana's "religious freedom" law that were sung to "Oklahoma!" (Below, the title of each original song contains a link to a video clip so that you can sing along with the melody.) 4th place: *Obama is irked by Netanyahu: *(To "Be Our Guest" from "Beauty and the Beast") "He's a pest! He's a pest! With our atom talks he's messed! 'Twas a breach to give a speech At the Republicans' behest! He's got tricks up his sleeve Over there in Tel Aviv, Where he casts unfair aspersions — Don't believe me? Ask the Persians! He negates our "two states" While our leaders he berates, For an ally he is easy to detest. How better off would we be If they'd vote out Bibi, He's a pest! He's a pest! He's a pest!" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 3rd place *Indiana enacts a law permitting discrimination on religious grounds:* *(To "Oklahoma!" ; start at 0:45) *Indiana — we're a state that made a big mistake When a baker said, "If two guys wed, I refuse to make their wedding cake!" Indiana — where we treat most everybody well. And if you are gay, you're free to stay Even though someday you'll burn in hell. We know that it got too intense When the nation heard Governor Pence. So when we say, "Weeee just clarified the law!" We're only saying, "We made a mess, Indiana! But we saved Arkansas!" (Barbara Sarshik, McLean, Va.) 2nd place and the copy of Bill Cosby's book "Fatherhood": *(To "Maria" from "West Side Story")* Benghazi! 'Twas treason took place in Benghazi! And ever since, that name has been our claim to fame, you know. Benghazi! A whitewashed disgrace in Benghazi! Two years gone by, and yet — we're not about to let it go. Benghazi! And then let's talk about her e-mail! "What's-she-hiding-from-you-and-from-me" mail. Benghazi . . . and also, she's female. Benghazi! (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *(To "It Had to Be You" )* Shalom, U.S.A., I've come here to say, Been reading your plan For peace with Iran And thinking, "Oy vey!" I love when I hear Those senators cheer, And prate how they hate States talking straight Out of their rear. Those mullahs I've seen, They're evil and mean. Believing their word Is simply absurd — They'll never come clean! Best way to defend is to attack, Don't mean Tehran, I mean Barack! Stand up for the Jew, That's what I do, I'm Netanyahu. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) PARODY POOPERS: HONORABLE MENTIONS *Hillary Clinton's e-mails: *(To "I've Been Working on the Railroad" ) I've been wipin' out my e-mails all the livelong day; I decided to delete them so you won't know what they say. Can't you hear the whistle-blowers: "Whoa! 30,000? That's a lot!" Can't you hear the people shoutin': "Show us what you've got!" Don't you know (guffaw!) I'm above the law? Your silly rules are not for me; I'll keep you apprised That all is sanitized — There is nothing left to see. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Pete Rose asks to be reinstated to Major League Baseball* Put me back in the ballgame, Put my bust in the hall Never took P-E-Ds in my life, Never once took a swing at my wife, Yet I still am banished from baseball, It's time to open the door For it's twen-ty-seven-to-1 I will bet no more! (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Sen. Ted Cruz runs for president: Hey Cruz, don't lose the fight, Take the right wing and make it righter, Just carry the White House into your heart, Then you can start to make it whiter. Hey Cruz, you are the one, When the issues that count are reckoned, Who knows that the First Amendment pales — Really it fails — next to the Second. From Iowa right up to Maine, hey Cruz, campaign, Don't move to the left, no compromising! For well you know that we all lose if women choose Or you say it's true the sea is rising! Just tell them: Nah nah nah nah nah nah. . . (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Food giants Kraft and Heinz merge: *(To "New York, New York" )* Start spreadin' the Cheez that comes from a can, Then squirt some ketchup onto it, Kraft Heinz, Kraft Heinz! White Miracle Whip can be a rich tan With Worcestershire mixed into it, Kraft Heinz, Kraft Heinz! I'm gonna wake up from a fat-and-salt-torpor sleep, To find my arteries clogged, blood pressure steep! That Velveeta glow makes Tater Tots say, Combine our brands, be part of it, The new Kraft-Heinz! If it could make you fit, we'll overprocess it. That's what we do, Kraft-Heinz, Kraft-Heinz! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *In Re Your Transition, to Bruce Jenner* (to"Bosom Buddies" from "Mame") You're gonna need bosoms, buddy, to be one of the gals. You're gonna need strong narcotics When they start to mangle your parts that now dangle. Don't let ogling your girlish figure lead your mind astray! You'd better be "" real careful when you are driving, Especially near NSA. Could he who's so decathletic be really a she? Should we be more sympathetic? Without your Kardashians, you need panache. Even So, should you surmount this hurdle so long in the tooth? You're gonna get "" much more than some bosoms, buddy.: You'll cast off your javelin; it will be travelin' Farther than e'er in your youth. And even with "" pure silicone bosoms, buddy, It ain't gonna look like the truth. (Nan Reiner) *Jon Stewart to leave "The Daily Show"* *(to "What Would We Do Without You" from "Company"; start at 2:55)* What will we do without you? How will we ever get through Twenty sixteen's dreaded election Without your objection To Tea Party brew? Who'll label Congress a zoo? Who'll stir up all of Fox's poo? You were so smart and you were so wise, The pope should start a movement to have Jews canonized. How will we ever get through? What will we do without you? (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) :*An unprecedented amount of campaign money* *(To"Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" ; start at 0:24) With cash in the hand politicians have power: Yes, money is a pol's best friend. The donor can help see that things don't go sour And if he coughs up more, why, he'll be an ambassador. Millions? No — it's billions, so Give the max, and the message you'll send Is "Make sure I'm nabbin' it, that job in the Cabinet" — Money is a pol's best friend. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Sen. Bob Menendez indicted on 14 corruption charges:* /(To "I Love Trash" from "Sesame Street")/ Oh, I love cash! Anything jingly and silver — it's funny How I can run through a carload of money! Yes, I love cash. A doctor in Florida frequently sends Big campaign donations, plus nice odds and ends; Hey, what harm's a million in gifts between friends? So what if my world goes crash! ) Oh, I love cash! Anything greenish and "In God We Trust"-ish; And I sure hope all my perks don't go bustish, 'Cause I love, I love, I love cash! (Beverley Sharp) *Hillary Clinton deletes e-mails from her personal server: *(to"Maria" )* The most wonderful things I've ever typed (My e-mails my e-mails my e-mails) All the beautiful work product words that will soon be wiped (My e-mails my e-mails my e-mails) My e-mails, my e-mails.. My e-mails! I've just wiped away all my e-mails! I've flushed away the shame, The White House I'll reclaim, you'll see. Benghazi! You'd think that they think I'm a Nazi! Inspection I eschew: A gal has secrets too, you see, My e-mails! Find a trace of my guilt? Remove it! I was bad, but for now you can't prove it. My e-mails, you'll never recover my e-mails! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) *NFL hires its first full-time female official (to "It Takes a Woman" from "Hello, Dolly!" ) Our stance on women is under critique; The league gets lambasted whenever I speak! And the press alleges we're not men of action; To stop their complaining, we need a distraction. So we'll hire a woman! The Shield's pro-woman; We crack down on violence and rape Because we care for women! Three cheers for women! (Make sure that we don't lose this tape!) (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *The campaign heats up *(To "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" ) At a caucus event to choose the president, When I got my ballot it was fully evident: We've got a loserly bunch of cuckoo nuts On a ballot, lined up in a row, Dumb ones, daft ones, all of 'em thick in the head Give 'em a check in their box, what the heck That's what their funders said. We've got a loserly bunch of cuckoo nuts; Every one is owned by someone rich — The left and the right in bed every night With whoever's paying the most to sell their pitch. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Obama negotiates with Iran over nuclear plants: (To "A Taste of Honey" ) * Can we inspect what we need to see? Or is Iran only fooling me? To trust Rouhani — That is what I must decide. I might be spurned, or get burned If this deal with Rouhani falls through. Do I ignore what the critics say? Shall I rely on the IAEA, And on Rouhani? Will he take us for a ride? (Larry Passar, Reston, Va., a First Offender) *Jeb Bush runs for president: *(to "I Am What I Am" from "La Cage Aux Folles"; start at 1:25) *I am my own man. I don't need Dad or my big brother. I run my own race, Set my own pace, blessed by my mother. I don't turn to my dad or brother for advice now. I have Porter Goss and Condoleeza Rice now. So, give me your dough. On with the show. Hey, world, I am my own man! (Barbara Sarshik) *Italian designers Dolce and Gabbana tweet opposition to gay adoption and "synthetic kids" , prompting boycott threats: (Domenico Dolce singing, to "I Dreamed a Dream" from "Les Misérables") *My foot I put into my mouth, Now Elton tweeting no buy dresses. The whole caboodle going south, Look like I make the mess of messes. My tweety box it full of gays Who all agree I worse than Nazi. I gonna tweety back a phrase For which they won't be saying /"grazie!"/ But if some baby someone wish, It be big stupido blunder To try make it in a dish, Must to make in usual way. Hold on /momento,/ it the phone. Must be my bestest friend Gabbana. I wish he leaving me alone! I tell him, "No! We can't change name!" My rage it rising up like hem. I flare like pants with grande passion. Pooh-pooh to everyone of them! They no big genius of fashion! I have a dream "synthetic" kids And IVF will be forbidden. But dream is all it gonna be, No thanks to imbecile like me. (Stephen Gold) *Another Ted Talk: Sen. Cruz's filibuster: (to "I Could Have Danced All Night" ) I could have talked all night (Oh, yes, I did "" that's right.) When I was new in town. I didn't want you, there, To have Obamacare, So I shut the gummint down. Be thunderstruck when this Canuck discourses: Yon Mister Smith, thy myth I'll smite! The world has got no choice; I love to hear my voice, And I could talk, talk, talk"¦ all night. I sure could talk all night To the extremist Right; I preach of liberty. No one will take away Our precious right to pray! (For those who pray like me.) Imagine me the next to see the White House! Nay, don't bewail our nation's plight. To govern, I'm no use; I'll just read Doctor Seuss,''Cause I could talk, talk, talk"¦ all night! (Nan Reiner) *And Last: (To "The Great Pretender' )* Oh-oh, yes, I'm a First Offender — Loser with a capital "L." I'm tickled pink that my name is in ink, And this air fresh'ner smells to high hell. I once was a weekly dead-ender Whose entries got tossed in the trash, But I played the game and won something that's lame 'Cause The Post is too cheap to give cash. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Still running — deadline Monday, April 27: our perennial compare/contrast contest. See bit.ly/invite1120. ====================================================================== WEEK 1122, published May 3, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1122: Maters Gonna Mate — the 'foals' and now 'grandfoals' How You x Mubtaahij = Chat With Dentist: This week's winning foal name.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers April 30 (Click here to skip down to the winning foal names of Week 1118.) For the 10th straight year, galloping right on the heels of today's results, we saddle you up again for our "grandfoals" contest: "Breed" any two of the 65 foal names that got ink this week and name the offspring to reflect the parents' names,* in the style of the dozens of first-generation combinations that get ink today. Just as for the Week 1118, the names are limited to 18 characters including spaces and punctuation marks. Don't "breed" three horses together, and don't breed two names to come up with another name on the list. And as always, you may submit as many as 25 names. Note: Be sure to spell the original names as they're printed here,* or the Royal Computer might skip over them while using the sorting program designed for the Empress by 42-time Loser Jonathan Hardis. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, a genuine action figure sort of genuinely depicting Washington Wizards center Marcin Gortat. Figure Marcin, however, is more ready for some action /off / the court, unless the team has recently adopted uniforms of superhero bodysuits and full-length red capes. Donated by Daphne Steinberg. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, May 11; resullts published May 31 (online May 28). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1122" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . "Maters Gonna Mate" in this week's headline is by Pam Sweeney; the honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Andrew Hoenig and Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / ^ The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published Thursdays in the late afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . He's not just a Wizard ON the court ... A Marcin Gortat action figure, complete with his NBA playoffs uniform. This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *The deluge of nearly 4,000 entries in Week 1118* — the 20th annual running of our contest to "breed" two horses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races — became far more manageable this year with the help of a nifty Loser-designed computer program that compiled everyone's entries alphabetically by original horse name (there were 100 names in the pool). There were literally hundreds of inkworthy entries (maybe even yours!) that were the victims of bad racing luck. What can you do — just tear up your tickets and try again in Week 1122. And see if your horses fared any better in this weekend's Kentucky Derby. *Late-breaking revelation:* We hadn't noticed, when we printed our list of horse names to work with, that it's "American Pharoah," not the literate spelling "Pharaoh." It's fixed accordingly below. /(First Offenders are marked with asterisks.)/ 4th place: *Apollo Eleven x No Problem = No Movie (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) 3rd place: *Gangster x Apollo Eleven = Neil Strongarm (Ben Aronin, Washington) 2nd place and the genuine owl barf pellet: *Help From Heaven x Royal Squeeze = Let My Pimple Go (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial *How You x Mubtaahij = Chat With Dentist (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) The dud farm: honorable mentions *Itsaknockout x March = Black-Eyed Sousa (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) *The Man x Harmonic = Stan Musical *(Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) *Giant Story x Kid Zip = Jack and the Beans (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Equilibrium x Gangster = Poise N the Hood (*Francis Canavan, Reston, Va.) *El Kabeir x Frat Boy = El Kabeerpong (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Mubtaahij x Defined = BobDylan'sMustache (Shelby Sadler, Rockville, Md.) *Quality Bird x Condo Commando = Flew the Co-op (Steve Honley, Washington) *Richard the Great x Daredevil = Medieval Knievel (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.; Malcolm Fleschner) *Royal Squeeze x Comfort = Prince Charmin (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *Hero of Humor x Changing Direction = Shtick Shift (Dion Black, Washington) *Will Did It x Carpe Diem = Julius Seizure (Nancy Schwalb, Washington) *Tough Customer x Punctuate = Tough, Customer!* (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) *Ocho Ocho Ocho x Action Hero = Jack Bauer* (*Sharla Desy, Lacey, Wash.) *Action Hero x Ocho Ocho Ocho = Ovi Ovi Ovi * (*Claudia Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Take Charge Brandi x Overcontrol = Kiljoy Was Her (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Punctuate x Pain and Misery = :oscopy (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.) *Itsaknockout x Moon River = KO Pectate (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *How You x Kiss the Road = Not With Tongue (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *Shaken Not Stirred x Kid Zip = Absolut Zero (*Tim Durning, Crofton, Md.) *Ultra Sharp x Flashy Jewel = Burst Your Bauble (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) *Carpe Diem x Willing to Travel = Car Per Diem (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *California Coast x Carpe Diem = Gone Tomorrow (Carolyn Eskew, Leesburg, Va.) *Shaken Not Stirred x California Coast = Connery Row (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Dortmund x Mr. Z = GermanOfTheBored* (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *American Pharoah x Dortmund = Teuton-khamun (Ben Aronin) *American Pharoah x Just Kidding = Tuten C'mon* (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.) *American Pharoah x Fantasy Pain = Kinky Tut* (David Komornik, Danville, Va.) *Acceptance x Flashy Jewel = The Cope Diamond (Kathryn Perry, Fort Worth) *Action Hero x Calculator = Magnum, T.I.* (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) *Battle of Marathon x Hold My Purse = Hellene a Handbag (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) *Hold My Purse x Mr. Jordan = Paypal Bull (Danny Bravman, Chicago) *Big Ben x My Point Exactly = I Tolled You So (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) *Black Lab x Pain and Misery = TuskegeeExperiment (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, Va.) *Bold Papa x Dirt Monster = Paternity Soot (Jonathan Paul) *Willing to Travel x No Problem = Any NBA Game (Tom Panther, Springfield, Va.) *Upstart x Help From Heaven = New Seraph in Town (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Comfort x Changing Direction = So Long, Succor (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Help From Heaven x Classy Class = To the Manna Born (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.; Jonathan Paul; Cynthia Chase, Laurel, Md.) *Escalate x Frat Boy = Stairway to Heavin* (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) *Squeegee x Far Right = Full Employment (*Paul Kudrav, Harrisonburg, Va.) *Far Right x Dirt Monster = Rush Lintball* (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) *My Point Exactly x Dubai Sky = Emirate? Emirate?* (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Hold My Purse x Zip N Bayou = Thelma N Louisiana (John Winant, Annandale) *Danny Boy x Tradesman = Pipes Are Clogging* (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Frosted x Cross the Line = Iced t (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) *Crafted x Squeegee = Etsy Wetsy* (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.) *American Pharoah x Royal Squeeze = Sphinxter (John Winant; Jeff Hazle) *Apollo Eleven x Bourbon Commander = Buzzed Aldrin (Doug Wadler, Potomac, Md.) *Acceptance x In the Pocket = In Like Lint (J.D. Berry) *Giant Story x Your Thoughts = Fe Fi Ho Hum (Jeff Shirley) *Danny Boy x Escalate = Even Snider* (Steve Glomb, Alexandria; Harvey Smith) *Condo Commando x Daredevil = Look Ma No Hanes (*Seth Livingstone, Potomac Falls) *Texas Red x Daredevil: Adairdevil (Malcolm Fleschner) *Leave the Light On x Pure Excitement = Leave Delight On (Mary Kappus, Washington) *Prospect Park x Ocho Ocho Ocho = Brooklyn hEights (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) ** Baloney Mike x Escalate = Spamalot* (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) *Armored Car x Squeegee = Brinks Rubbery* (George-Ann Rosenberg) *Big Ben x Far From Over = 2B Continued* (Becky Fisher, Madison, Wis.) *Black Lab x Equilibrium = Fur and Balanced* (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Apollo Eleven x Letuspray = Kneel, Armstrong* (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Pain and Misery x Acceptance = Who Needs Ink?* (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) /Still running — deadline Monday, May 4: Our "bad days in history" headline contest. See bit.ly/invite1121. / ====================================================================== WEEK 1123, published May 10, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1123: It's The Tile Invitational III — words from ScrabbleGrams Plus the winning names for new colors One of many, many, many (trust us) neologisms to be found in the letter set ADNORTU. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers May 7 (Click here to skip down to the winning color names from Week 1119.) *ADNORTU — DONRUT: The ditch off the New Jersey Turnpike where they buried those Mafiosi.* *ADNORTU — OUTDARN: Definitively swear a baby-blue streak. "Grandma outdarned all the other ladies at the church social when the casserole pan fell off the table." *ADNORTU — ROADNUT: The guy who weaves frantically from lane to lane so he can end up second in line instead of third at the stoplight. Actually, it's a highly colorful game, complete with bright yellow poo that you cram into Doggie's mouth and pump until it comes out the other end. (If.) See the video at bit.ly/doggiedootest. For the third straight May, it's our tribute to ScrabbleGrams, the word puzzle that appears daily on The Post's comics pages: At the bottom of this page is a list of 40 seven-letter sets taken from "The Big Book of ScrabbleGrams." Give us a five-, six- or seven-letter word (or two words) by scrambling the letters of any of the sets and define it, as in the examples above. The word may be a brand-new term, as in the examples, but you may also find an existing word and supply a clever definition for it. Funny sample sentences are good, too. Note that we are /not/ playing for Scrabble points, as in the real game; the letter values don't matter. *Really important: The Empress will be sorting the entries by the original letter set, so you must include the set, in the original letter order, on the same line as your entry, as above; each entry should be one line long (with no line breaks). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives one of the most mystifyingly bad ideas ever for a toy: It is a game called Doggie Doo, which features a large plastic dachshund into whose mouth you cram some Play-Doh-type "food"; then you pump and pump a handle on its leash until Doggie poops it out. If that doesn't work for, uh, squat — which is what happened in the Empress's test; see it at bit.ly/doggiedootest — you're supposed to keep cramming and pumping, then blow into the poor dog's mouth. Found on clearance (big surprise there!) by Loser Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, May 18; results published June 7 (online June 4). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1123" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of The Style Invitational's contest posted four weeks ago . . . *THE JOKE'S ON HUE: THE NEW COLORS FROM WEEK 1119: In Week 1119 we asked for new color names — for crayons, house paint, clothes, whatever — that reflect the current age, along with a description. Some people didn't include the latter; the funniest of those was Sandy Moran, who offered Aw Crap, Is This Miracle Whip? White. Other direction-non-followers, instead of describing a color, used color names to coin new terms, such as "H&R Black: We guarantee you'll never see red or your money back" (Gordon Cobb). Sent by many: Jerry Brown, the color of unwatered grass. 4th place: *Same Old Slate: Color scheme for the 2016 Bush-Clinton debates. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place: *Christian Grey: Ironically, it's terribly inappropriate for a church. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 2nd place and the stuffed, noisemaking Happy Pill: *Kardashian Blush:* Crayola was going to market that color, but it turns out that it doesn't exist. (Edward Gordon, Austin) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Lilac a Rug:* A shade bolder than White Lie. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) 28 shades of nay: honorable mentions *Indigo Montoya:* Prepare to dye. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.; David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) *Unred: What today's newspapers are, all over. (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) *Spinal Taupe:* It's just a bit louder than other taupes. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Jet Black & Blue:* Color of a tall person's knees after a coast-to-coast flight. (Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) *Nest Eggshell: A disappearing white. (Curtis Morrison, Chesapeake, Va.) *Andy Marooney: Back in my day, we just called it red. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Chain Smochre:* A brownish-yellow tone used on everything from clothes to teeth. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *Beat Red: The color of Roger Goodell's face while insisting he hadn't seen the Ray Rice video. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Trump Red:* A rich maroon. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Goooooold:* The color of the World Cup trophy. (Emily Davis, Bloomington, Ind., a First Offender) *Kiddie Pool Blue:* A cool cerulean with undertones of warm yellow. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Not Vermilion:* Once a favorite of naysayers, recently updated to Not Verbilion. (Frank Osen) *Fuchsiashima: Glow-in-the-dark purple. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) *Obamatone:* Half black, half white, and red all over. — R. Limbaugh (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Bureaucratic Maize: The glossy golden color of a federal employee's eyeballs. (Scott Warner, Hagerstown, Md., who last got ink in Week 54, 21 years ago) *Azure Wish:* The color ofCary Elwes's eyes. (Danielle Nowlin) *Climate Fuchsia: Rosy. — J. Inhofe, Everythings, OK (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Inhofe:* Inuit word for the color of melting Arctic sea ice. (Megan Durham, Fairfax) *Perple:* The color of bruises on a suspect who "falls" while being arrested. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Phone Umber:* A less obtrusive paint color for cellular towers. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Tall Teal: The color of Brian Williams's flak jacket. (Mark Raffman) *Pitch Blue:* The color of skin when whacked with a fastball. (Philip Justus, Potomac, Md.) *Pain & Saffron:* The color used to decorate personal-injury lawyers' offices. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Beiging:* The color of the air in China. (Beverley Sharp; Chris Doyle) *Minnesota Choral:* The pinkish-white of the St. Olaf's College choir. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) *Board of Directors Rainbow:* The full spectrum from white to beige. (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park) *Harvard Crimson: Just a shade less bright than Stanford Cardinal. (Mark Raffman, Harvard Law, '86) *Invisible Ink:* The color the Empress uses when printing my entries. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, who's had regular-color ink 20 times) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our annual "grandfoals" contest to "breed" two horse names. See bit.ly/invite1122. *THE SCRABBLEGRAMS SETS FOR WEEK 1123* AAABKLV AACELMN AADGGLR AADEITW AAIMRSU ABCFILO ABDGLUY ABEITUX ABEELNU ABILORT ACDILOR ADDEITU ADELNTW ADNORTU AEELLWY AEMPRSV AEGLMPU AEFLLNN AFILSTY AHLOOPW AIMSSTU ALNOPPY BBHIRSU BCIOORT BEEKNOT CCELLOT CDIRTUY CEHMOPR CELLOSY CORRSUY EKNRTUY EILMOSS GILORTY HILSTXY EFFILRY EHIMNPS EGLOPSS GIINPTY HINORSU MOOPSTT ====================================================================== WEEK 1124, published May 17, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1124: We need your advice for daily life — in verse. Plus links for inks — the winning and losing comparisons from Week 1120 Don't just seethe. Write Mr. Seat Space Hog a little poem. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers May 14 (Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1120, humorous comparisons betweeen any two items on a list we supplied) */Don't recline your seat;"‹ Remain upright and kind. "‹ Then I won't stab my feet Into your fat behind. / Nobody will tiptoe through YOUR tulips if they're protected by this foot-tall zombie garden gnome, sent to use from Britain: This week's second prize. ( MediaPRUK.com / ) *— Don't recline your airplane seat. *— Close cover before striking. *— Don't chew with your mouth open. *— Use your parking brake. *— Stop to smell the flowers.* This week's contest — one we've never really done before, but one I can promise you we'll do again — was suggested by 35-time Loser Todd "the Lap" DeLap: Give one of the above reminders in the form of a humorous poem of eight lines or fewer, as in the example above by the famed airline behavior fulminator Gene Weingarten. All (printable) genres are welcome. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a cute little — actually, it's little but it's really /not/ cute — Zombie Garden Gnome*, made of genuine "terror cotta." It was sent by from Britain by its PR guy Kieran Elsby, who, in amazing serendipity, had sent out an e-mail press release to The Media that (a) had the subject line "Lawn of the Dead" and (b) avoided the spam filter of the Empress of The Style Invitational. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is May 25; results published June 14 (online June 11). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1124" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Stephen Dudzik. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . *SOME LINKAGE MAY OCCUR: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1120*: ** In Week 1120,* we looked back at our hardy perennial "Same Difference" contest — to compare or contrast any two items from a list we supply — and put together a motley bouquet: Each of the 17 items in this year's list was taken from a different Invitational contest from 1996 to 2014. *While we hoped that meant all new answers this time around, several Losers made the same "compare thee to a Summer's Eve" joke for "an Elizabethan sonnet" as the one that got ink in 2010. Brand-new this time around but sent by too many people: Gandhi and the Skins' offensive line are both famed for nonviolent confrontation. 4th place: /Mohandas K. Gandhi vs. Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the macarena:/ One's a Mahatma and one's a Hot Mama. (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.; John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) 3rd place: /"American Gothic" vs. the Redskins' offensive line: /In the painting, you'll just see two sad sacks. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) 2nd place and the full-size photo cutout of President Obama: /Yemen and an overactive bladder:/ The first: Middle Eastern crisis. The second: You're a peein' emergency. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: ** /A $4 haircut and the Redskins' offensive line:/ With one, three snips and you're out; with the other, three snaps and they're out. (Jaclyn Yamada, New York, a First Offender) LinkedInanity: honorable mentions /A $4 haircut and a tattoo of Joe Biden:/ You hope the haircut isn't just a cheap ripoff — and pray the tattoo is. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) /The 400-meter dash and a Biden tattoo:/ One lasts two furlongs; the other lasts for too long. (Greg Johnson, Victoria, B.C.) /A Biden tattoo and a three-cupped bra:/ They both represent one boob too many. (Brian Allgar, Paris) /Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the macarena: /Justice imprudent; /a Biden tattoo:/ just as imprudent. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) /A $4 haircut and a three-cupped bra:/ They're consecutive verses in "The Twelve Days of Deep Discount Christmas." (Mary Kappus, Washington) /A $4 haircut and a three-cupped bra: /Both are unlikely to be on fashion critic Robin Givhan as a Lilly Pulitzer dress from Target . (Roy Ashley, Washington) /A three-cupped bra and pizza-scented shampoo:/ Both are regular line items in the "Jersey Shore" production budget. (Steve Honley, Washington) The 400-yard dash and an overactive bladder: With only one of these, there's an award for finishing Number 1. (Wendy O. Sparks, Rockville, Md.) /The 400-yard dash and Gandhi:/ One's over fast; the other overfasted. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) /The 400-yard dash and an overactive bladder:/ The first is a Sprint; the other requires Pee-Mobile. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) /Yemen is like the 400-yard dash:/ At the sound of a gun, you'd better run. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) /A pile of socks and that "not-so-fresh" feeling: /Both can be found in the bottom of your drawers. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) /Yemen vs. that not-so-fresh feeling:/ One means trouble in the Middle East; the other, trouble with the middle's yeast. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.; Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) /Yemen vs. that not-so-fresh feeling:/ One is in the Middle East; the other is in the middle south. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) /Gandhi and a $4 haircut:/ Both might make you call out: "Ma! Hat! Ma!" (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) /Gandhi and a $4 haircut:/ Only the second would involve a cowlick. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) /With an overactive bladder,/ you need to pee urgently; /with a $4 haircut,/ you need a toupee urgently. (Brendan Beary) /An elderly Labrador retriever and the Redskins' offensive line:/ No matter how determined, they both tend to fall short of that critical yard. (Lawrence McGuire) /The Redskins' offensive line and an elderly Labrador:/ More than a few blocks are a struggle for both of them. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) /Dilbert's necktie and the Redskins' offensive line:/ Only the guy behind the necktie has reliable pocket protection. (Kevin Dopart) /Gandhi and the Redskins' offensive line:/ Both are famous for giving away possessions. (Elden Carnahan) /The Redskins' line and an overactive bladder:/ With both, you end up with problems in the end zone. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) /The Redskins' line and a $4 haircut:/ 16 quarters aren't enough to make either look good. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) /An overactive bladder and Justice Ginsburg doing the macarena:/ It's embarrassing when they can't contain themselves at work. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) // /A Biden tattoo and a Style Invitational Loser magnet:/ You might be willing to show your friends the tattoo. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) /The 400-meter dash /is won by running madly, /a Loser magnet /by punning badly. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) /An overactive bladder and a Loser magnet:/ One results in frequent thoughts of toilets; the other, /from/ them. (Kevin Dopart) /An Elizabethan sonnet and a three-cupped bra:/ The more I see of Man, the more I feel That Eve was never fashioned from his chest, But vice versa, in this sort of deal: God first made Woman with an extra breast And knew that she was fair, but Eve said, "Nay! My crowded bosom is a needless strain." God saw her point and threw one breast away, Forgetting it until He came again. Then Eve declared, "Each creature hath a mate But me, and, Deity, I'm getting bored!" So God replied, "You're right; I shall create A Man from you," and Eve cried, "Thank You, Lord!" Then God said: "He won't be a work of art . . . Let's see, where did I put that extra part?" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, May 18: our ScrabbleGrams neologism contest. See bit.ly/invite1123. ====================================================================== WEEK 1125, published May 24, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1125: Songs without end (or beginning) — clip a tune's title Plus irreverent headlines for a chronicle of 'bad days in history'(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers May 21 at 11:53 AM (Click here to skip down to the results of the "Bad Days in History" contest) *Papa's Got a Bra*[nd New Bag]: The latest from the Godmother of Soul. *Blue Mo*[on]: What Mrs. McDonnell was singing on her way out of court. Sooo Not a Loser Susan Schearer of Winchester, Va. — "I love reading your column even though I never enter it" — tells the Empress that she listens to Sirius XM in her car. The one-line screen for the satellite radio displays the title of each song, but only as much of that title as will fit on the screen, sometimes producing "funny to hysterical results." Susan's idea, then: Supply a real song title that has the end or beginning — or, what the heck, both — chopped off and describe it,* as in Susan's examples above, or maybe give it some new lyrics (ooh, we'll do anything to sneak in yet another opportunity for song parodies). You can't add or change punctuation. As always, longer entries have to be worth knocking someone else's entry off the page. On the other hand, we're not so sure how many songs out there will work for this contest. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a heavy glass globe labeled "Souvenir Snowman." When you shake it, you get not "snow," but some grayish threads of yuck. And also ceramic grass and, floating around, a little ceramic hat, scarf, buttons and carrot. It's a Florida souvenir snowman, see. Brought back from a Florida gift shop by Nan Reiner. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, June 1; results published June 21 (online June 18). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1125" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Brendan Beary; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Dave Prevar. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from the contest posted in The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *CRAPPE DIEM: THE WINNING 'BAD DAYS IN HISTORY' FROM WEEK 1121: In Week 1121, we asked for you to sum up a "bad day in history" with an irreverent headline, a la many of the 365 headings in the conveniently titled "Bad Days in History," the new book by D.C. popular historian (and long-ago Style Invitational flunky) Michael Farquhar. While Michael's book cites a specific event that happened on April 4 of some year, April 5 of another year, etc., we're sometimes a bit vaguer for our purposes here. Not getting ink because Miss Lizzie Borden was actually /acquitted/ of murdering her stepmother and father with a hatchet in 1892 — one story maintained she went all Pony Express because she was denied a second cup of tea — we still liked Jeff Hazle's headline: "Hacking Attack Takes Down Service Provider."* 4th place: *Since Legos Hadn't Been Invented Yet . . . /1400:/ The conqueror Tamerlane decides that ancient Egyptians shouldn't have had all the fun. So he orders the construction of a pyramid to be built from the heads of 90,000 of his fallen enemies in the ruins of Baghdad. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 3rd place: *Too Much English on It* /Sept. 23, 1999:/ The Mars Climate Orbiter spins out of control in the Martian atmosphere because NASA used the metric system while its contractor used the British Imperial system. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the signed copy of "Bad Days in History": *Abyssinia, Suckers! /Feb. 7, 1910:/ Virginia Woolf — wearing a fake beard — and friends masquerade as turbaned Abyssinian royalty and are given a red-carpet tour of HMS Dreadnought by an unsuspecting British admiral. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial *It Ain't NASA, Sorrily So* /Oct. 31, 2014:/ The privately financed Virgin Galactic's SpaceShipTwo craft, VSS Enterprise, breaks apart in midair, killing one pilot and seriously injuring another. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Bad har days: honorable mentions *There Goes the Neighborhood!* /66,002,015 B.C.:/ The giant Chicxulub asteroid that God sent earthward crashes into the Yucatan peninsula and exterminates most plant and animal life on the planet just so those ratty little lemurs can eventually evolve into a species that will worship Him, along with 4,000 years of religious warfare. (Scott Warner, Hagerstown, Md.) *The Hemlock Maneuver* /399 B.C.:/ Socrates is condemned to death — for "corrupting the youth of Athens" — by drinking poison. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Encumbered by Heavy Trunks* /218 B.C.: / Most of Hannibal's elephants die while crossing the Alps. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Monk Takes Leek in Middle of Battlefield* /6th century: /According to legend, Saxons are slaughtered after the future Saint David advises the Welsh to place a plant on their helmets to distinguish friend from foe. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *His Future at Stake* /Spring 1444:/ The Turks claim 13-year-old Vlad Dracula as a royal hostage. In addition to the Turkish language, his captors teach him how to impale small birds and mice, perhaps figuring: It keeps the kid busy, so where's the harm? (Lawrence McGuire) *They Failed to Appreciate the Gravity of the Situation* / May 23, 1618:/ In the Second Defenestration of Prague, two Catholic regents were ejected from a third-story window after telling local residents what their future religion would be. This event not only caused the Thirty Years' War, but also reminds us that defenestration wasn't a singular occurrence in Prague. (Bryan Brady, Germantown, Md., a First Offender) *What Was He Sinking? / Aug. 10, 1628:/ Sweden's King Adolphus wants the world's most powerful warship, and no one dares tell him that its double gun decks and shallow hold will make it unstable. On its maiden voyage the Vasa tips over less than a mile from Stockholm and goes straight to the bottom. (Chris Doyle) *And Covet Thy Neighbors, Ass* / 1634:/ London's royal printers publish an edition of the Bible containing the misprint "Thou shalt commit adultery." (Frank Osen) *The High Cost of Urban Renewal* / July 29, 1644:/ By the time of his death, Pope Urban VIII's lavish spending on military and artistic endeavors has resulted in crippling debt for the Holy See. (Jeff Contompasis) *Another Blowout for the Patriots* /Dec. 16, 1773:/ Locals, dressed "in honor of" Native Americans, ruin a franchise's assets. (Kevin Dopart) ** Louis Gohmert Could Have Told 'em It's Flat * /1826: /President John Quincy Adams recommends an expedition to the North Pole to prove Earth is hollow and establish contact with a race of mole people. (Frank Osen) *Texas Is Messed With* / Feb. 23, 1836:/ Santa Anna's army of 1,500 Mexicans surprises the fewer than 300 "Texians" defending the Alamo. (Rob Huffman) *But He Kept Us Out of War* / March 4, 1849:/ President James Polk's term ends, but his elected successor, Zachary Taylor, refuses to take the oath of office on a Sunday. So it falls to David Rice Atchison , president pro tem of the Senate, to serve as president for one day. He later recounts that he spent most of the day asleep. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) [While Atchison maintained it, his promotion doesn't seem to be the case .] *Cache a Fallen Czar / April 30, 1918:/ Bolsheviks secretly move Nicholas II and his family to a "house of special purpose" in Yekaterinburg, where they will be held for 47 days before being executed. (Chris Doyle) *Extreme Sugar Rush / Jan. 15, 1919:/ A huge storage tank ruptures in Boston's North End, flooding the area with more than 2 million gallons of molasses. (Jeff Contompasis) *And Sometimes the Early Bird's an Idiot* / Dec. 10, 1927:/ Johannes Fibiger wins the Nobel Prize for Medicine, based on his theory that cancer is caused by worms. (Frank Osen) *Close but No Cigar /April 19, 1961:/ A CIA-backed paramilitary group is defeated at the Bay of Pigs. (G. Smith, Alexandria) *A 6-Foot Pit Stop /Sept. 5, 1970:/ Formula One driver Jochen Rindt is killed in practice for the Italian Grand Prix. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) ** Parasites Lost* /February 1992:/ Twenty-seven lab samples of anthrax go missing from a U.S. Army research facility. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *You Want Fires With That? /Feb. 27, 1992:/ A 79-year-old woman suffers severe burns from a cup of McDonald's coffee. (G. Smith) *Society of Fiends / December 1997:/ Quaker Oats Co. agrees tosettle a lawsuit alleging the company fed radioactive oatmeal to developmentally handicapped children as part of a university experiment. (Mark Raffman) *Braking Bad / July 16, 2003:/ An 86-year-old driver plows into a crowd at a Santa Monica, Calif., farmers' market, killing 10 people and injuring 70. He later said he had confused the brake and accelerator pedals. (Mark Raffman) *Still running — deadline Monday night, May 25: Our contest for short poems of advice. See bit.ly/invite1124 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1126, published May 31, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1126: How do your cartoon captions Staake up? Plus the winning 'grandfoals' of Week 1122 It's the umpteenth (or maybe umpeenth-plus-one) Bob Staake cartoon caption contest. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers May 28 (Click here to skip down to the winning "grandfoal" names of Week 1122.) Style Invitational Cartoonist for All Time Bob Staake might be immersed in his latest project, the children's book "Beachy and Me" (it's about a whale). But fortunately for the Invitational, Bob is able to immerse himself into 27 things at once. And so once again:*Provide a humorous caption for any of the cartoons above.* Although the people in the cartoons don't seem to be talking, feel free to "quote" them anyway. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the Flyshooter, a little pistol-shaped gadget with which you shoot a spinning swatter disk at a fly. The Empress, while she is famously callous to the misery of ink-deprived Losers, actually wouldn't hurt a fly, at least for fun. And so she recommends this only for aiming at trouser zippers. Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 8; results published June 28 (online June 25). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1126" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column (published late Thursday) discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . *REFILLIES: THE WINNING "GRANDFOALS" OF WEEK 1122: ** InWeek 1122, our 10th annual "grandfoals" contest, we asked the Losers to "breed" any two "foal" names produced in Week 1118 by breeding two names from a list of this year's Triple Crown nominees. Since most of the initial foal names already contained puns, this week's winners are poly-punsaturated. Here are just a few of the many worthy ponies drawn from more than 1,500 entries. Funny but sent by too many people: *:oscopy x 2B Continued = ;oscopy; Buzzed Aldrin x Kinky Tut = Astronaughty. 4th place: *To the Manna Born x Kinky Tut = To the Man o' Porn* (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3rd place: *BobDylan'sMustache x Let My Pimple Go = How'd a Zit Feel?* (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 2nd place and the Marcin Gortat action figure: *Look Ma No Hanes x Absolut Zero = Me and My Kelvins* (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *:oscopy x Not With Tongue = NOT WITH TONGUE!!! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) Castoffspring: honorable mentions *Look Ma No Hanes x Car Per Diem = Ex-pants Account* (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Brooklyn hEights x Tough, Customer! = BridgeOfNoReturn* (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *:oscopy x Chat With Dentist = .ontist* (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Black-Eyed Sousa x Paternity Soot = Tuba Litigation* (Nan Reiner, sent from Boca Raton, Fla.) *Chat With Dentist x Car Per Diem = Hertz!* (Carol Ann Linder, Arlington, Va.; Francis Canavan, Reston, Va.) *Paternity Soot x Flew the Co-op = DNAWOL* (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *GermanOfTheBored x Full Employment = Merkel Workers* (Chris Doyle) *Hellene a Handbag x Full Employment = Grecian, Earn* (Nan Reiner) *Hellene a Handbag x Look Ma No Hanes = GreeksBaringGifts* (Ben Aronin, Washington) *Hellene a Handbag x Pipes Are Clogging = Loogie Vuitton* (Dave Zarrow, Reston) *Spamalot x Hellene a Handbag = GeNuiNe GuCCi BaG$* (Emily Davis, Bloomington, Ind.) *I Tolled You So x Paternity Soot = EZ Pa (Jeff Shirley) *I Tolled You So x Fe Fi Ho Hum = EZ Passé (Jeff Shirley) *No Movie x In Like Lint = GreatAmericanNavel* (Ben Aronin) *Sphinxter x Jack and the Beans = Hole Enchilada* (Pam Sweeney) *Jack and the Beans x Tuten C'mon = Common Tootin'* (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) *Stairway to Heavin x Leave Delight On = LED Zeppelin* (Chris Doyle) *Stairway to Heavin x Pipes Are Clogging = Load Zeppelin* (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Let My Pimple Go x So Long, Succor = Zit Outta Luck* (Larry Passar, Reston, Va.) *Stan Musical x Let My Pimple Go = AsGoodAsZitGetz* (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Ovi Ovi Ovi x Paternity Soot = OyVey OyVey OyVey* (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.; Sam Laudenslager, Burke, Va.) *Ovi Ovi Ovi x I Tolled You So = HOVi HOVi HOVi (Jeff Shirley) *So Long, Succor x Prince Charmin = T.P. Barnum* (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) *To the Manna Born x Prince Charmin = Miracle Whipple* (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Black-Eyed Sousa x Even Snider = Simper Fidelis* (Emily Davis) *Absolut Zero x Teuton-khamun = The Kelvinator (Steve Honley, Washington) *:oscopy x Jack Bauer = Keister Sutherland* (Stephen Gilberg, Silver Spring, Md.) *Look Ma No Hanes x :oscopy = Polyp Your Pants* (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Absolut Zero x Full Employment = Kelvin and Jobs* (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.; Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) *Absolut Zero x Kabeerpong = Kelvin and Hops* (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Burst Your Bauble x Spamalot = Bling Out Your Dead* (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Brinks Rubbery x Who Needs Ink? = Br___s Rubbery* (Bill Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.) *Brinks Rubbery x Flew the Co-op = Bounced Chick* (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.) *Car Per Diem x Neil Strongarm = Porsche Control* (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Stairway to Heavin x Car Per Diem = Sick Transit* (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) *Chat With Dentist x Gone Tomorrow = BitewingConspiracy* (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Chat With Dentist x Not With Tongue = Wuhh Up Oc?* (Larry Passar) *Chat With Dentist x Poise N the Hood = Pulled Out Aplomb* (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) *Poise N the Hood x Etsy Wetsy = Wearing It Wrong* (Marilyn Pifer, Falls Church, Va.) *The Cope Diamond x Fur and Balanced = Cope of Good Ape* (Dudley Thompson) *Jack Bauer x :oscopy = 24-Ow Service* (Steve Honley) *Magnum, T.I. x Jack and the Beans = Magnum, T.P.* (Brian Cohen, Norfolk, Va.; Danielle Nowlin) *Magnum, T.I. x Tough, Customer = Magnum T.S.* (Susan Thompson) *Julius Seizure x TuskegeeExperiment = Grand MalPractice* (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Leave Delight On x KO Pectate = Motel Sicks* (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *KO Pectate x Paternity Soot = Runs in the Family* (Jonathan Paul) *Look Ma No Hanes x Paypal Bull = DanglinPartEpistle* (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Neil Strongarm x Medieval Knievel = ResistanceIsFeudal (Jan Brandstetter, Mechanicsville, Md.) *Medieval Knievel x Paypal Bull = Serf and Turf* (Ellen Raphaeli) *Rush Lintball x Pipes Are Clogging = Joe the Plumber* (Harold Mantle) *Look Ma No Hanes x Leave Delight On = Fruit of the Lumen* (Pam Sweeney) *Who Needs Ink x Look Ma No Hanes = Losing Streak* (Beverley Sharp; Brad Alexander) *Still running — deadline Monday night, June 1: our contest to chop the end off a song title to humorous effect. See bit.ly/invite1125. ====================================================================== WEEK 1127, published June 7, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1127: Because there just aren't enough TV series Plus the winning neologisms from our third ScrabbleGrams contest Groomzilla, but only as ape: "Pay Bux for the Tux" — what TV series spinoff can you come up with? (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers June 4 at 11:43 AM (Click here to skip down to the winning ScrabbleGrams neologisms of Week 1123.) *Original: "Say Yes to the Dress."* *Spinoff: "Pay Bux for the Tux." */Groom: /This is the first thing I tried on and I like it fine. Papa always said, "When it rains it pours." This week's second-prize salt and pepper shakers. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) */Groomsmen:/ Us, too. */Salesman:/ So: Will you pay bux for the tux?* */Groom: /Yeah. Okay, let's get some beer. *[roll credits]* This week's contest comes from Obsessive Loser Jeff Contompasis, who with 447 blots of ink is next in line to reach the 500-blot Style Invitational Hall of Fame: Think up a spinoff of a real TV series, past or present, and furnish a description or bit of dialogue,* as in the example above by JefCon, as the Loser Community calls him. Your entry shouldn't use much more space than Jeff's script. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives one more in our continuing series of Weird Salt and Pepper Shakers: a merry pair of ceramic S&Ps depicting a grandma-grandpa-looking couple, except that Grandma has a giant bun in the oven under her apron. Upon which is lettered: "You and your 'once more for old times' sake'!" Donated by Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, June 15; results published July 5 (online July 2). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1127" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was submitted separately by Great Minds Frank Osen, Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jon Gearhart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column (posted late Thursday afternoon) discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . *HAR SCRABBLE: WINNING SCRABBLEGRAMS NEOLOGISMS OF WEEK 1123: Week 1123 was our third annual Tile Invitational, in which we posted several dozen seven-letter "tile racks" used in ScrabbleGrams word puzzles, and invited you to create your own terms of five, six or seven letters, or supply a funny definition of an actual word. Lots of people found "sin hour" in HINORSU, defining it as what comes right after happy hour. 4th place: /AAABKLV"†' / Lavabak: Hawaiian term meaning "mainlander forgot the sunscreen." (Dion Black, Washington) 3rd place: /EGLOPSS/ "†' Glopess: The school lunch lady. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 2nd place and the Doggie Doo pump game: /AACELMN/ "†' Manlace: Really tattered underwear. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /EFFILRY/"†' Filefry:* Somehow, Hillary's phone got infected by this bug. (Ricardo Rodriguez, Springfield, Va., a First Offender) Tilin' error: honorable mentions /AACELMN/ "†' Ma Clean:* The real brains behind the Magic Eraser. (Frances Hirai-Clark, Columbia, Md.) "†' Manlace:* Burlap. — C. Norris, Hollywood (Bob Brown, Alexandria, Va.) "†' Lean Mac* "Two all-beet patties . . ." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) /AADGGLR/ "†' Glad-ag:* The new major in cannabis farming at Colorado A&M. (Frances Hirai-Clark) "†' Ragglad:* Relieved to find out you're not pregnant. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) "†' Raglag:* How long a spill gets to seep in before you sop it up. "With a 2-year-old in the house I've got my average raglag down to 3.7 seconds." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) /AAIMRSU/ "†' Isaruma: Unconfirmed gossip. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) /ABCFILO/ "†' Fib-o-cal: "Lite" food labels showing 14 servings for a box of pasta. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) "†' Flabio:* The model for the covers of the new plus-size Farleyquin romance novels. (Roy Ashley, Washington) "†' Co-flab: The "sympathetic" weight your husband gains while you're pregnant. (Danielle Nowlin) /ABEITUX/ "†' TexAb: It's less a six-pack and more of a case. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) "†' Beatux:* The condition of the rental after a great prom. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) /ABILORT/ "†' Ratboil:* Somehow, it never caught on the way the clambake did. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) "†' Tai bro:* The ancient martial art of fist-pumping and high-fiving. (Alex Jeffrey, Columbia, Md.) /ACDILOR/ "†' Oil card:* Until the middle of this decade, an ace in the hole. (Mark Raffman) "†' AC Lord:* the household member who always controls the thermostat. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) /ADELNTW/ "†' Nadlet:* Anatomical feature of Porsche owners. (Mark Raffman) /ADNORTU/ "†' Art nod: Sage-looking head motion intended to make other gallery-goers think you have some idea what you're looking at. (Adam Beland, Fairfax, Va.) /AEGLMPU/ "†' Plum age:* Comes right before the prune age. (Steve Honley, Washington) "†' Pulmage:* Nice pair of "lungs." (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) /AEMPRSV /"†' Ampervs:* Clearly superior to those Europervs. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) "†' Vampers:* Thong diapers. (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.) /AHLOOPW:/ Phool: Unfamiliar with the latest slang. "Listen, bae, everyone's going to think you're phool unless your slang is on fleek." (Danielle Nowlin) /ALNOPPY/ "†'*Lo-nappy:* What gangsta babies wear. (Rob Huffman) "†' PayPol: A way to make an online donation directly to your candidate's checking account — no questions asked! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) /BBHIRSU/ "†' Rubbish: Having a propensity for frottage. "Stay away from that guy on the Metro — he's rubbish." (Bob Brown) "†' Br-ish: Just above freezing. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) /BEEKNOT/ "†' Bonkee: How you should not refer to your new girlfriend. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) /CCELLOT /"†' Cellot:* A phone fanatic. "Did you hear that Judy had a three-port docking station installed in her shower? What a cellot." (Danielle Nowlin) /CEHMOPR /"†'*Emporch:* To stash old things in out-of-the-way places. "Mom decided to emporch Grandpa for the duration of the birthday party." (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) /CELLOSY/ "†' Cellosy: What Yo-Yo Ma would feel if he saw his cherished instrument between someone else's legs. (Jeff Shirley) "†' Coselly:* Pompous and bombastic. "The new guy on ESPN isn't very accurate, but he sure is coselly." (Rob Huffman; Jamie Martindale, McLean, Va.) /EFFILRY /"†' Effilry: An exchange of bad language. "The sniping at the party devolved into a volley of unrestrained effilry." (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) //"†' Fry file: What currently has 275 items at the Texas Department of Corrections. (Mark Raffman) //"†' Iffery: A group of people that can't make a decision. "Jane didn't really care, so she waited patiently while the iffery debated which movie to see." (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) /EHIMNPS/ "†' Mensi: Displaying a know-it-all attitude. "Don't get all mensi just because you got ink last week." (Amy Harris) "†' Penism:* An utterance displaying a complete lack of knowledge of female matters, e.g.,"Can't women swallow mini-cameras for gynecological exams?" (Danielle Nowlin) /EILMOSS/ "†' SlimeOs:* Cereal that's been sitting in milk too long. (Beverley Sharp) /EKNRTUY/ "†' Tenyur: The word that persuaded the university to deny the English professor's request. (Beverley Sharp) /GIINPTY/ "†' Pingity: An uncanny ability to set off metal detectors. "I put my belt, coins, watch and prosthetic leg in the bin, and they still had to pat me down. I guess I'm just really pingity." (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) "†' Litorgy:* Best-attended worship service ever! (Jeff Shirley) /HINORSU /"†' Ruinsho:* Japanese term for someone who talks and texts in a movie theater. (William Kennard, Arlington) MOOPSTT "†' Potmost*: Same as "topmost": highest. (John Shea, Philadelphia) "†' Tompost:* The NFL's latest pile of fertilizer. (Dion Black) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our Bob Staake cartoon caption contest. See bit.ly/invite1126. ====================================================================== WEEK 1128, published June 14, 2015 Week 1128: Drone for a loop - devilish uses for nanocraft; Plus winning rhymes of advice on airplanes, chewing and more BYLINE: Pat Myers LENGTH: 1784 words(Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1124, short poems of advice in five categories) A swarm of CICADAs: the perfect birthday gift for people who could use a little discreet help in blowing out the candles. Geography classes in Cleveland would have international CICADA contests: Who can drop a micro-drone into Kim Jong Un's bed? If you're impressed (a.k.a. creeped out) by the prospect of having your porn-book order delivered directly to your front porch from the sky, now there's something that can impress you even more: A few weeks ago, the Pentagon's Naval Research Lab showed off its latest cool gadget: a micro-drone that can fit in your hand yet can be dropped - by the thousands - from 57,000 feet up, undetectable by radar, to deliver "payloads to precise waypoints." Described by Phys.org as basically "a paper airplane with a circuit board," and named pseudo-acronymically for a swarming insect that seems to appear from nowhere, the CICADA currently is outfitted with just a few sensors. But of course it won't be long until the little bugsters - already costing only a few hundred dollars - can carry cameras, deliver micro-packages . . . what else? This is what Longtime Loser Jeff Brechlin was wondering. The eternally childlike Jeff, whose obit promises to name him as the author of the Style Invitational-winning and wildly viral Hokey Pokey Sonnet, suggested this contest: Give us some novel uses for a CICADA micro-drone, assuming that anyone can get one, and that it can have a micro-camera, micro-grips, etc. Entertaining scenarios may be described in up to 75 words. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, in the vein of this week's contest, our Micro Twofer, consisting of a keychain with a little plastic piece of sushi (brought back from Japan by Cheryl Davis) and an inch-tall white ceramic coffee mug, advertised as Squirrel Coffee Cup (from Bruce Alter). Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, June 22; results published July 12 (online July 9). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1128" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline for this week's results is by Brendan Beary; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jon Gearhart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday. ^ The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv. And the winners of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . RHYMES & MISDEMEANORS: THE WINNING SCOLDS FROM WEEK 1124: In Week 1124, the Empress sought short poems of advice in five matters. Most of them weren't nearly as good as this week's inking entries, although the Empress did get a laugh at one that rhymed "mouth" and "uncouth" (but not at "leviathan"/"moron," which was simply moranic). Don't recline your airplane seat: I snore, I pass gas, I rattle;My row-mates have fled - it's me only; They said they could not stand my prattle, So please do lean back - I'm so lonely! (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Don't chew with your mouth open: Thy beauty causeth every head to turn.Thy comeliness could launch a thousand ships.But suitors will be few till thou dost learnTo masticate with firmly closèd lips. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Use your parking brake: If you drive all the girls at school wildWith your daredevil ways and they've smiledAt your fast-moving pace,Use your "parking" brake, ace,Or your "accident" might be a child. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Don't recline your airplane seat: Though the flight attendants are quite rude,Their nastiness is outdone by their food;We're packed in like sardines but with less roomIn cabin air that's piped in from a tomb,Our bags have been mishandled by their handler,The inflight feature features Adam Sandler.This flight has lots of things you can put down;Your seatback isn't one of them, though, clown. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) CLOSE COVER BEFORE STRIKING To light one match is better thanThe darkness just to curse.But if that match should light the rest,You're gonna need a nurse. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) How do I love thee? I've counted the ways:One less now you've set my apartment ablaze.You're a smokin' hot mama, but not all that bright,And I kick myself now, having asked for a light,For you kindled the match with the cover untucked,And my roommates and I are now royally homeless. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Don't play with fire. But if you should,Make sure the matchbook's closed but good.So listen up (I sound like Mom!):Confine your flames to match.com.(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Some people think that unions have no sense of obligation;They'll shut the mines, close down the docks, and woe betide the nation.Yet the Manhole Workers Union boss, quite loudly (to my liking),Continually reminds his men, "Close cover before striking." (Richard Lempert, Arlington) DON'T RECLINE YOUR AIRPLANE SEAT Do not recline your airplane seat. It's risky;You're apt to spill the guy-behind-you's whiskey.If you're appalled by road rage on the highway,Just wait till you're a victim in the skyway. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) You have a pair of tonsils but don't know itUntil they get inflamed, and then they'll show it.All an appendix ever does is fail,And use an ashtray, you could go to jail!Regard your seat-back button the same way,A useless vestige of a bygone day.Its only purpose is to cause a fracas,Till planes evolve with pallets that can stack us. (Frank Osen) Don't recline or I will ask the stewardess if maybeI could switch my seat with 14-D-the colic baby. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) If you are seated in the seatThat's currently before me,Do not recline or else I'll screamInvective loud and stormy.(This rule, of course, makes perfect sense.But please do not remind meOf the rule's existence ifyou're seated right behind me.) (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) I know the space you have is smallbut don't recline your airplane seat -that only makes it worse for all behind whose space is also small, and then, of course, they each repeat your action so they, too, appall the one behind with space too small; so don't recline your airplane seat.(Marcus Bales, Cleveland, a First Offender) DON'T CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN Last night, good buddy, as we dined,This thought, unspoken, crossed my mind:"What makes you think that I've aWish to see the way salivaIn your mouth combines with chickenWhen it's chewed? It makes me sicken."But some things simply can't be said,And so I wrote this poem instead. (Robert Schechter) Beside the sight of mangled munch the last half-hour I've spent:When I suggested "seafood lunch," that wasn't what I meant. (Nan Reiner) Close your mouth while you chew - it's the least one can do,For it's true there is no fascinationFinding out you've been smacked by some ort that's been hackedThrough an act of inept mastication. (Barry Koch) There are one or two activities that others shouldn't see;May I mention, quite discreetly, one that's just occurred to me?You'll know what I am hinting at (unless you're really crass),If told its starting syllable is M-A-S, that's "mas-",And "-ation" is the ending; so that now I'm sure that youHave got it. . .("Mastication"! - keep your mouth closed when you chew!)(Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) Your teeth like tombstones marking graves;Your tongue in motion, making waves:And though this poem may not rhymeCLOSE YOUR &%#$* MOUTH. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) USE THE PARKING BRAKE If you should use your van for "something" other than just driving,Remember now this little tip to guarantee surviving: Make sure the parking brake is pulled, 'cause ultimately your goalIs safety first - in other words, to rock and not to roll. (Frank Mann, Washington) Pull up your brakeWhen parked on a hill.If you don't stop your carTrust me, something else will. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) On My Failure to Use the Parking Brake in the Swiss Alps When I stopped and we yodeledMy poor Audi got totaled. (Mike Gips) (To the tune of "I Left My Heart in San Francisco") I left my car in San Francisco,High on a hill, for all to see.I failed to set the parking brake - a knucklehead mistake -And as it rolled, could only stare... in despair.My Porsche rots there in San FranciscoBeneath the brown and rusty sea,And when my paycheck comes, where does this go?To my insurance company. (Nan Reiner) STOP TO SMELL THE FLOWERS A rose by any name would smell as fine;That (more or less) was Shakespeare's famous line.But all the rose's scent is in the flower;The roots have no such aromatic power.So take my counsel, friend (it wouldn't hurt):Get sniffing while you're still above the dirt.It's pointless smelling roses, it's been found,When you, like them, are planted in the ground. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) Better stop and smell those posies,'Ere they tag one of your toesies. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) The busy self-indulgent fellaWill not learn what bliss isIf he never takes the time to smell aFlower named narcissus. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Violets are blue, roses are red;You can smell neither when you are dead.Daisies are white, daylilies orange;Ummm...Whatever - time's a-wastin'. (Brendan Beary) At last I've cleared my inbox; that must have taken hours!What's this - another message? It tells me: "Smell the flowers.Don't wait; it's too important." More deadlines I must meet?I know not what it's asking. Could I just hit "Delete"?I scowl and tap my smartphone, for somewhere there must beAn app that I can download to do this chore for me. (Nan Reiner) Still running - deadline Monday: Our TV series spinoff contest. See bit.ly/invite1127. ====================================================================== WEEK 1129, published June 21, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1129: Nobody uses spelling bee words? You will. Plus 'Paint It Bla,' 'Eels on the Bus' and more clipped song titles from Week 1125 Pyopoiesis is the thing with pus: For Style Invitational Week 1129, write a poem that uses a spelling bee word. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers June 18 **(Click here to skip down to the results of our contest for shortened song titles) *Pyopoiesis! The word is a doozy. It's not about matters poetic. It's all about pustules that smell and are oozy! (How's /that/ for a morning emetic?)* Last month's National Spelling Bee, like last year's, ended in a tie between the top two kids: Midwestern eighth-graders Gokul Venkatachalam and Vanya Shivashankar both correctly spelled every word put to them — 20 rounds' worth — until the judges declared them both winners, packed up their Webster's Thirds and went home. While each speller gained national fame along with $37,000 in money and prizes, their shared pursuit always brings out the critics who call spelling bees a colossal waste of time and effort put into memorizing lists of words that nobody ever uses. Nobody? That's us! We'll use them!*This week: Write a humorous short poem (eight lines or fewer) incorporating one of the 50 words listed at the bottom of this page, as in the example above by that, er, udite man of letters (usually the letter F) Gene Weingarten; each was used at some point in this year's bee. The poems have to make sense with the words' true meanings; you can't just pretend they mean something else. (Most of the real meanings aren't brain-achers; they include "horseshoe-shaped ," "freckles " and "a wasp nest ." A Google search for any of these words should give you the definition and pronunciation on the first page of results. You may use the word in a different form, such as a plural or a different tense. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, in keeping with this week's literary theme, two varied books: "Nature's Nether Regions," "a tour of evolution's most inventive — and essential — creations: animal genitalia"; and the out-of-print "The Art of the Fart," featuring historical anecdotes and various other observations attempting to stretch it out into at least a gift-size book. Donated by Loser Pie Snelson. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, June 29; results published July 19 (online July 16). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1129" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Mae Scanlan. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of The Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . *SEASON OF THE WIT*[ch]*: The chopped song titles of Week 1125: In Week 1125, the Empress asked you to cut the beginning or end (or both) off a song title — as if it were on an electronic readout where the whole name didn't fit — and describe the result. Twenty-four people sent in "Stairway to Heave[n]," and 15 offered "Light My Fir" (the Doors' never-released Christmas album). 4th place: *SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO [Town]: Mrs. Claus sings about the aftermath of a night of excess with the eggnog. (Josh Feldblyum, Louisville) 3rd place: *ITSY BITSY TEENIE WEENIE YELL*[ow Polka Dot Bikini]: Original title of "When Doves Cry." (Ed Flynn, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place and the "melted" "souvenir snowman" globe from Florida: *CHANGES IN LATITUDE, CHANGES IN ATT*[itude]: A song about a dude who gets bad cell coverage on spring break in Fort Lauderdale. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *PAINT IT BLA*[ck]: The new Sherwin-Williams jingle sings the praises of ecru. (Tom Panther, Springfield, Va.) Maim that tune: honorable mentions [5]*0 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER: The new theme song of the Roman Catholic Church. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) [H]*OLD ME NOW:* Yoda ponders himself in the mirror. (David Clayton, Alexandria, Va.) [What's] NEW, PUSSYCAT?:* The song you dread hearing on your first day of hard time. (G. Smith, Alexandria, Va.) [E]*BONY AND IVORY:* The fashion industry tells what it's looking for in runway models. (Dion Black, Washington) [All]*ABOUT THAT BASS:* Okay, maybe the fish wasn't quite three feet long . . . (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park, Md.) [Priv]*ATE EYES: Newly discovered single by the Zombies. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) [I] FEEL THE EAR*[th Move]: Spinal Tap's follow-up to "Smell the Glove" (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) [R]*OXANNE: "You don't have to turn on the light at all, actually . . ." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) [T]*OUCH ME IN THE MORNING: Theme from "50 Shades of Grey." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *ALL I HAVE TO DO IS DR*[eam]: A college student knows how to make his Tiger Mom proud. (Dion Black) *GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TIM*[e]: In this sentimental holiday ballad, Ebenezer Scrooge forces a boy on crutches to give him a piggyback ride to Christmas service. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles) *ETERNAL FLAM*[e]: /Close your eyes, stick your heads in the sand; Voters, when your candidate's vying, everything is grand. You won't give a damn even when they're lying, You'll keep buying their eternal flam!/ (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *I'D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO SIN*[g]: By the Temptations. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *LAY ME DO*[wn]: This original Beatles song title was cleaned up to "Love" for AM radio. (Ben Schwalb) *HAZY SHADE OF WIN*[ter]: By the Brady Bunch, the official song of Super Bowl XLIX. (Jessica Mathews, Stanley, Va.) *RIVER DEEP, MO*[untain High]: A song from "Exodus: The Musical." (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) *ROLL OVER BEET*[hoven]: Vegan-rock remake of "On Top of Spaghetti" (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) *STREET FIGHTING MA*[n]: A tribute to Toya Graham, Baltimore's recent "mother of the year." (Michael Levy, Silver Spring, Md.) *THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY* [Boy]: The Vatican national anthem. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) *WHATEVER LOL*[a Wants, Lola Gets]: Teens' texts set to music. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) [F]*IRE AND RAIN:* This mix doesn't play well on the Beltway. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) [The Wh]*EELS ON THE BUS:* Scary kids' song performed by Samuel L. Jackson. (Mark Raffman) *AIN'T TOO PRO*[ud to Beg]: A more appropriate song than "Hail to the Redskins." (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) *MELLOW YELL*[ow]: Donovan sings about sitting on a lit reefer. (Jim Barnes, Leesburg, Va., who got his last Invite ink in Week 180, in 1996) *UNDER THE BOAR*[dwalk]: A ballad about Miss Piggy's summer romance. (Ed Edwards, Surrey, England) *I'VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKI*[n]: The Fonz sings to the shark he's jumping. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) [St]*RANGERS IN THE NIGHT:* A song from the Texas border: Rangers in the night—look out, Hispanics! Roaming through the night and causing panics, Checking for IDs to make the state secure; Doing all they can, protecting borders, Even if it takes guns, bombs and mortars, They will keep our race completely white and pure . . . (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *THE LADY IS A TRAM*[p]: Opening number from the musical version of "A Streetcar Named Desire." (Bernard and Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) *TAKE ME TO CHU*[rch]: An alien "Jeopardy!" fan comes after the player he hates most. (Mary Kappus, Washington) *MY BLUE HEAVE*(n): Maybe tequila with blueberry pie wasn't such a good idea after all. (Jeff Brechlin; Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) *AFTERNOON DELI*[ght]: Thinking of you's working up an appetite Not for you, but lox and bagel and a black-and-white "¦ (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) And Last: CAN I GET A WIT*[ness]: The Empress's weekly lament. (Joy Sibley, Fairfax, Va.; Roger Dalrymple) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for mischievous ideas for mini-drones. See bit.ly/invite1128 . *THE SPELLING BEE WORDS FOR THE WEEK 1129 CONTEST* acritarch backfisch bayadere bouquetiere bruxellois caudillismo cerastes cibarial cocozelle collutorium commissurotomy cravenette ctenoid cypseline distelfink ephelides epithalamium gnathostome hippocrepiform hooroosh iridocyclitis kipuka lulliloo mamaliga minhag myrmotherine nixtamal nunatak oflag pampootie paroemiology pipsissewa poikilitic porwigle pyopoiesis pyrrhuloxia radicicolous samadhi scacchite scherenschnitte scytale sdrucciola tartarean thamakau tortillon vernissage vespiary zanja zimocca zygoneure ====================================================================== WEEK 1130, published June 28, 2015 Crock o' doodle doo: The winning cartoon captions of Style Invitational Week 1126 And for Week 1130, Yux Redux: Make a pun on a foreign phrase(Cartoons by Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers June 25 (Click here to skip down to this week's new contest, to pun on a foreign phrase) REPORT FROM WEEK 1126: Bob Staake's cartoons in Week 1126* inspired the usual wide variety of caption ideas, though there were many along the same theme: The Empress counted 19 referring to Wonder Woman in Picture 3, and 24 that changed one letter of "the buck stops here" in Picture 2. If your entry was pretty much like one that got ink, good for you. You get nothing. 4th place /Picture 2:/ "JUST AS IT'S SPELLED." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 3rd place /Picture 3:/ Joyce regrets that the same doctor did her eyelids and her breast implants. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) 2nd place and the gadget that shoots spinning disks at flies: /Picture 3:/ Hillary demonstrates that she has no visible connection to her foundation. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial /Picture 2:/ The sign engraver misunderstood the boss's request to "do it in cursive." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Pen and ick: honorable mentions *PICTURE 1* "I said, 'Make a PROFIT, Muhammad.' " (John Burton, Herndon, Va., who last got Invite ink in 2002) It is a little-known fact that Norman Rockwell omitted his hipster mustache and "flattened apple" hat from his self-portrait. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) "Signorina Mona Lisa! I said, 'Show me your TEETH!' " (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) "No, no, no! Do not wipe off the numbers until I say so." (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) On school portrait day, it was so noisy that Vincent cut off the other ear, too. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) (Cartoons by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) "You know, Mr. Weiner, you could just buy a new cellphone." (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.) Sadly, newcomer Juan picked the wrong day to set up his street easel in Pamplona. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) "No, no, the re-creation of 'The Last Supper' should NOT involve pizza!" (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) "Mother! Put your dress back on!" shouted Whistler in alarm. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Far from feeling handicapped, the artist was able to take advantage of his severe scoliosis. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The Supreme Court decides to ban body cameras, but will allow police brutality to be recorded by sketch artists. (Danny Bravman, Chicago) *PICTURE 2* John sure did get tired of people pronouncing his name with a hashtag instead of a number sign. (Danielle Nowlin) Rep. Gohmert vowed to find the person who converted his nameplates to Wingdings font. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) "Let's just say my interview at Hallmark wasn't at all what I expected." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Willis made the mistake of ordering a laptop desk. (Ralph Nitkin, Rockville, Md.) "That's my name, don't swear it out." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) "That's my full name, but most people call me %." (Art Grinath) After the messy split, the "Sesame Street" lawyers forbade Bert to use letters or numbers. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Eventually, President Truman got tired of people asking what the S stood for. (Todd DeLap) *PICTURE 3* A typo during the research phase led to the development of the hoverbroad. (Jeff Contompasis; David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) The Betty White Macy's Thanksgiving balloon nears completion. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg) You can't go wrong wearing plaid during the fall. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) The Invisible Man carries his bride across the threshold. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Continuing its clueless attempts to outdo Google, Bing produces a carless driver. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Each morning Doris rises promptly at 6. (Frank Osen) Few people remember Barbara Bush's short-lived career as a trapeze artist. (Andrew Hoenig) In her later years, Wonder Woman would fly her plane with the left blinker on. (Ward Kay) Penelope finds life much easier now that she's uploaded herself to the cloud. (Frank Osen) "Quick, slip the piano back before she notices." (Nannette Melnick, Silver Spring, a First Offender) Lucy in the sky with skirt. (Tom Witte) *PICTURE 4* Few people knew that Hitler's mustache was a wig. (William Kennard, Arlington) Oliver Hardy died long before the invention of the selfie stick. (Rob Pivarnik, Stratford, Conn.) On vacation in Hawaii, Bob realized that he was too heavy for both the grass skirt and the surfboard. (Robyn Carlson) Adolf loves the result of his wet-cement face-plant. (Craig Matthiessen, Burke, a First Offender) Grace Jones's first selfie was upside down and off center. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines The boob tassel needs to hang a little lower if you want it to cover the appendectomy scar. (Mark Raffman, Reston) Satan grows bangs. (Bird Waring) Unsurprisingly, the combination horseshoe/toothbrush was not a big seller. (Larry McClemons, Annandale) Using your Yorkshire terrier as a guest towel should probably be a last resort. (Jeff Shirley) Fade-off Hitler. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) And this week's new contest: . WEEK 1130: YUX REDUX — PLAY ON A FOREIGN PHRASE *Cogito ergo bum: Sudden realization of graduating philosophy majors.* (Greg Deye) *Avant-garden: The flowers are lovely, but I'm not sure about the urinal in the middle of the rhododendrons.* (Laurie Brink) *Ode de toilette: Bathroom stall poetry. (Tony Arancibia) This week we present an encore of a contest we did back in 2011 to enormous success — perhaps because it's the epitome of the Invitational's trademark highbrow/lowbrow humor: "Putting the Rude in Erudition," as an earlier-model Loser Magnet put it (since "Putting the Rud in Erudition" didn't have the same ring to it). Uber-Loser Chris Doyle recently suggested we do this contest, accompanying his pitch with several clever examples; the thing was that Chris had totally forgotten Week 936 — even though he'd gotten ink in it himself (as usual): "Mardi Gas: Fart Tuesday." Which convinces the Empress that there's a world of new ways out there to insult other languages.*This week: Make a wordplay on a foreign phrase or term (or English phrase using foreign words) and describe it,* as in the examples above from Week 936 (see the rest of the results at bit.ly/invite940 ; you can play on the same terms, but you can't make the same joke, duh). Using the term in a funny sentence is always welcome; using the term in a boring sentence is not. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, apropos of this week's contest, a donation from foreign climes: a deck of playing cards from Australia. On the back of the cards is acartoon of an "Aussie Sheila" and a guide to what her various expressions mean (e.g., "Grouse lippy": "What a nice shade of lipstick"). Donated ages ago by Brad Alexander, who enters the Invitational every week from Wanneroo, Western Australia. The Empress met Brad and his wife a couple of years ago when they were visiting Washington, and she didn't think Brad's lippy was grouse at all. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, July 6; results published July 26 (online July 23). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1130" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Mark Raffman; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column (published late Thursday afternoon) discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *Still running — deadline Monday night, June 29: our contest for poems using spelling bee words. Seebit.ly/invite1129 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1131, published July 5, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1131: Be reuseful: ideas for surplus materials Plus the winning ideas for spinoffs of TV series See if you can come up with uses more useful than the above for various surplus items. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 2 at 11:48 AM (Click here to skip down to the results of our contest for TV series spinoffs) *Asphalt roof shingles* Plastic hockey rink* Carpet tiles* Purple linen napkins Odor-eater fabric* Plastic ballot boxes* Cargo parachutes* 10-milliliter glass vials Ski lift cable* Climbing rope * Bowling alley wood* Fire hose Rubber sheets* Escalator handrail * Mineral oil* Street sweeper brushes Synthetic turf* The Empress hates to do away with stuff until it's utterly used up, even if it's not her own — Losers sometimes receive their runner-up prizes in boxes and envelopes fished out of newsroom wastebaskets. So she was tickled to see the cool stuff the Royal Consort showed her on RepurposedMaterialsInc.com , one of several sites that sell surplus industrial objects with the hope that some imaginative, enterprising person with a very big truck could put them to a better use than to build up a landfill. No, the Royal Consort didn't want the Empress to install a plastic hockey rink in the front yard (cool as that might be); he was just suggesting a contest. This week: Suggest a humorous way to reuse one or more of the items listed above — or anything else advertised on RepurposedMaterialsInc.com* (click on "Products"). Writing a bit about your idea might enhance the humor, if you are a funny writer. Don't worry if it says "Out of Stock," "only one left," etc.; just assume there's an unlimited supply. You have to outdo reality, though; it seems the rotating street-sweeping brushes are the beloved back scratchers of itchy cows and pigs. Second prize, for some Loser who doesn't know his art from a hole in the ground. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a, uhh, picturesque little ceramic sculpture of an outhouse , complete with a little ceramic door that swings open to reveal a little ceramic embarrassed person sitting there. A thrift shop discovery by Pie Snelson — ready to be repurposed. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, July 13; results published Aug. 2 (online July 30). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1131" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / ^ The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . . *CHECK YOUR LOCO LISTINGS: The winning TV spinoffs of Week 1127: *In Week 1127 we asked you to think of a spinoff of a real TV series, past or present, and to describe the result, or include a snippet of the script. One zinger, by Bird Waring of Larchmont, N.Y., lacked a description but really didn't need it: *"The Cosby Show: SVU."* 4th place: *House of Cardinals:* After the mysterious demise of his predecessor, Pope Francis II takes control of the Vatican. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 3rd place *Pitcher, Houston Astro:* Chuck Norris heads farther south to become a crime-fighting major leaguer. He also catches his own pitches and ejects umpires from games. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the pregnant-grandma salt and pepper shakers: *Sesame Towne Centre:* Kermit buys the block and converts it to a vibrant retail/residential community, finding that it's easy making green. (Rob Cohen, Potomac. Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Game of Throne 2016:* Lindsey Graham: "We must conquer the Seven Kingdoms — no, let's make it eight!" Rand Paul: "Conquest is for fools, I say! And I will keep on saying . . ." Hillary Clinton: "I shall decide later. First, bring me your gold." (Mark Raffman) Teleflubbies: honorable mentions *19 Counts and Kidding:* Legal analysts trade quips about charges that might be brought against Josh Duggar and his parents. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Phat Girl:* Never comfortable growing up in rural Montana, Rachel Dolezal moves to the Big City to live out her dream of being a Notable Black Person. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) *ERR:* The drama moves down the hallway at County General to the nightmarish world of Medical Billing. (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.) *Crib Your Enthusiasm:* Larry David remarries and has a kid, and guess what — the baby looks just like him, and he can talk! "Have you noticed that the left one hangs a little lower than the right? It's easier for me to reach — so would you mind if we just stick with that one?" (Mark Raffman) *"Open Sesame" Street:* Chinese tykes learn how to hack Internet passwords and are taught about spyware by the Cookies Monster. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) *Cement Pondering: Shrewdly gauging the 90210 market, Jethro Clampett becomes a New Age spiritual adviser. (Kevin Dopart) *House of Lards:* Prequel historical fiction that chronicles the rise to power of Tip O'Neill. (Edward Gordon, Austin) *Mad Lib Men: Don(last name) makes (noun)s for large companies in the (decade number)s. He drinks a lot of (liquid) and smokes (noun)s . He sleeps with (number)s of (gender option)s. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) *The Old and the Restful: * Grandpa: "I love you." Grandma: "LINE?" (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.) *The Big Bang Hypothesis:* The prequel series follows the characters in their high school years. And you thought they were awkward now! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Harpy Days:* Chachi no longer loves Joanie. (John Kammer, South Riding, Va.) *Survivor: Cooperation:* Participants face challenges in a harsh environment and are rewarded for working together rather than backstabbing each other. (Unsold pilot.) (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Survivor: Gilligan's Island:* Skipper: Gilligan, little buddy, it looks like you're getting voted off the island. Gilligan: Not if Mrs. Howell votes for Mr. Howell. [Laugh track: polite chuckle.] Thurston Howell III: You'd never do such a thing, would you, Lovey? [Beat.] [Laugh track: Big laugh, end-of-scene applause.] (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Pop-Up Book Notes*: The great literary minds of our day discuss old-school interactive stories. Brian Lamb: "Tonight we explore the deeper significance of 'Tyra the Tyrannosaur Hunts Up Lunch.'"Š" Philip Roth: "I really enjoyed the pull thingy on Page 2 that makes the dinosaur's mouth open." Donna Tartt: "And the skinny lizard that you pull the tab and it makes a fan? That was neat." Don DeLillo: "Aren't we missing the greater significance of the sliding window that shows the effect of Tyra's bite on, on, the one with three horns?" Tartt: "Triceratops." Roth: "Wasn't that a stegosaurus?" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Original: "Jeopardy!" Spinoff: Jeopardy. With new host Stephen Wright . (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Dancing With the D-list: Audience members who can identify any of the "stars" are invited to try out for the next season, "Dancing With the E-list." (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *MythTrusters:* Excitable Guy: Is it true that a broken mirror causes seven years of bad luck? Calm Guy: I saw a YouTube video where somebody broke a mirror and then had 7 years of bad luck. Excitable Guy: Good enough for me. (Art Grinath) *Leave IT to Beaver:* Aging, embittered Vietnam vet Theodore Cleaver struggles with PTSD while working a tech support help desk. (Jeff Contompasis) *I Love Lucy's Lacies.* Now it can be told . . . Lucy: "Ricky, do you know why my bras and undies are all stretched out of shape?" Ricky: "I guess I got some 'splaining to do . . ." Lucy: "Waaaaaaah!" (Mark Raffman) *Still running — deadline Monday night, July 6: Our contest for wordplays on foreign terms. See bit.ly/invite1130. ====================================================================== WEEK 1132, published July 12, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1132: You and what army? Give us some fake military trivia. You didn't know that navy blue is for camouflage in the water? (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 9 at 11:37 AM Follow @PatMyersTWP (Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1128, our contest for uses for the Navy's new mini-drones) *The U.S. Navy's bluish camouflage is designed so that sailors who fall overboard will blend in. (Jeff Contompasis, 2015) *Gen. Ambrose Burnside was aided greatly in Civil War planning by his largely forgotten assistant, Col. Wendell Soulpatch. (Malcolm Fleschner, 2011) *During World War II, a secret U.S. Army survey identified 4,389 atheists in foxholes.* (Bob Dalton, 2007) As if a crib needed more of these: Pee and Poo cuddly stuffed toys, this week's prize for finishing Number Two. (SWEDENTOYS.COM) It's time once again to bring forth a new set of lies for our readers (why should campaign coverage have all the fun?). We've had "unreal facts" contests about politicians, history, movies, medicine, sports, cars and just whatever. Now here's another lane on the Disinformation Superhighway, courtesy of suggester Jeff Contompasis:*This week: Give us some comically bogus trivia about the military, past or present, ours or theirs,* as in the examples above; the second and third are from previous Invite fictoid contests, one all-purpose and the other for history. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the bobblehead of the statue of Commander in Chief Lincoln that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, courtesy of Not Even a Loser Mary M. Hanlon, a cuddly pair of foamy-soft toy Pee and Poo toys, designed in Sweden; the former is bright yellow and teardrop (uh-huh)-shaped; the latter is brown and vaguely conical. Both have eyes with sort of hangdog expressions. (Wouldn't you?) Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, July 20; results published Aug. 9 (online Aug. 6). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1132" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at /wapo.st/invrules/ . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday./ *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday, discusses each new contest and set of results. This week: Several Losers pen impromptu verses for a song about peas in guacamole. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at /wapo.st/styleconv/. And the results of the Style Invitational posted four weeks ago . . . *IT'S A SMALL, SMALL WHIRLY: WINNING USES FOR MICRO-DRONES FROM WEEK 1128: In Week 1128, we asked for some imaginative uses for the new, inexpensive CICADA mini-drones that the Navy is developing. After reading a goodly (or badly) number of wistful dreams of swarms of upskirt cameras, the Empress isn't so sure she wants to go to any more Loser brunches. 4th place: A CICADA could be used to deliver pink slips to the soon-to-be unemployed, with a recorded "Remember, change is good — we wish you the best!" farewell after each notification. (Mark Asquino, Malabo, Equatorial Guinea) 3rd place: The only way to get past the shame of the American government spying on its own citizens is for it to issue every man, woman and child a micro-drone so they can spy on each other. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 2nd place and the itty-bitty coffee mug and mini-sushi key chain: When someone cuts you off in traffic, send a CICADA to fly inconspicuously alongside the offender's vehicle and zip suddenly ahead to trip the radar detector as it passes the next speed trap. Then enjoy the schadenfreude when you see the speeding driver pulled over as you sail on by. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, ZOOMY McSPEEDYPANTS?? (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: Use the micro-drone as a baby monitor, clinging to the rail of your child's crib. Years later, your son will write a picture book about his insect friend, Jiminy CICADA, who, instead of taking him on magical adventures, reports his every escape attempt to Mom. (Lawrence McGuire) The rotary club: honorable mentions Congratulations CICADAs: the coolest way to be notified that you've been accepted to MIT. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.) AIDA CICADA: Pressured into an evening at the opera or ballet? This little gem discreetly broadcasts ESPN Sports Radio into your earbud. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Are you a fussy, squeamish housekeeper? The micro-grips on a CICADA can handle even the smallest roach — and keep it steady and ash-free right at the toker's lips. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Are you paranoid about someone stealing your PIN at the ATM and constantly check for people behind you? With CICADAs around, now you can be really, really paranoid. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Birds and bees do it, but not necessarily right after your obnoxious neighbor washes his Mercedes. Just fill up your DropShot drone with a mayo-relish mixture and send him a special tweet. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) CICADAs are amazing technology. I mean, you could stick something in an envelope, hand it to the drone and have it in the recipient's hands — no matter where in the country they live — in a matter of days. Where else could you get service like that? (Danielle Nowlin) Now, helicopter parents can do it literally. (Judy Blanchard) Deploy billions of CICADAs in geosynchronous orbit over the hole in the ozone layer. Problem solved! Now, was that so hard? (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) Equipped with needles and ink, a CICADA swarm could make a great tattoo of a CICADA swarm. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Guaranteed Seder fun when a plague of techno-locusts descends on your guests! For the grand finale, they regroup and do their part as the Red Sea. (Kevin Dopart) Have them automatically position themselves to block the view of the larger government drone that's been following you around. (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.) CICADAs could deliver your adopted baby right to your door — call it heirmail. (Judy Blanchard) I call upon the Navy to deploy hundreds of CICADAs, with micro-cameras, every day in Loch Ness until I am finally vindicated. (Kyle Hendrickson) Selfie-sticks are so 2014. (Ward Kay) The director of the new Broadway production says CICADAs will replace the bluebirds arranging Cinderella's ball gown: "They're easier to train and don't leave droppings." (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.; Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) In the future, when houseflies are extinct, we can train them to eat poop and spread disease. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Mattel can market the interactive Drone Pilot Barbie Playset — look out, Un-American-looking American Girl dolls! (Kevin Dopart) I've been working on a plan to outfit a swarm of micro-drones with loops of fishing line. They'll be programmed to catch squirrels in my neighbor's yard and then fly around with them at 15 feet while playing music from old science fiction films. The flying saucer casings might be too much. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) Now, kids, Santa WILL see you when you're sleeping and know when you're awake. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Soon they'll make the HICKADA: It's a micro-drone that just sits in the front yard on tiny cinder blocks. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) The New England Patriots are already at work adding drone technology into footballs for in-flight guidance to receivers. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) The Seekah 380® finds your golf ball no matter how deep the rough. The Cheetah 480 EVL® finds it and nudges it back into the fairway. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) TV can finally show the "ball's-eye view" of a pitch thrown at 95 mph and then knocked over a fence. And with the CICADA hooked on the side, a curveball will REALLY curve. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) Video surgery! You say you're caught in a remote crevice like James Franco in "127 Hours" and hesitate to amputate your leg because you're afraid of bleeding to death? Just make one quick call and a CICADA will be on its way to your crevice, projecting a video on the rocks to show you how to safely sever your limb in 22 easy steps! (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Try as I could, I cannot think of a way CICADAs can help the Redskins win. (Todd DeLap) Given what everyone else wants them for, I just hope CICADAs are allowed to fly for only a few weeks once every 17 years. (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, July 13: Our contest for ways to repurpose certain surplus items. Seebit.ly/invite1131 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1133, published July 19, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1133: 'Hew ready? Poems even the rhythm-deaf can write A contest for clerihews, and the winning verses featuring spelling bee words Suffering fools: The muses for this week's sample clerihew. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 16 (Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1129, our contest for poems using spelling bee words.) *Not one but two football players, C.J. Wilson and Jason Pierre-Paul, * Lost fingers playing, but not playing ball. *They cost themselves plenty because they were jerks* *With fireworks.* While judging the contest whose results run today, the Empress waded through a mire of verses (not the ones that got ink, of course) that seemed to /want/ to have a meter, some recognizable rhythm, but instead went floundering around like a team of draft horses that started galumphing into each other within their traces. But the ever-resourceful E did not despair: Why not /use/ our abundant resources of bad meter for a poetry genre that embraces it? Hence our second-ever contest for clerihews, our first since 1995. Named for its inventor, the British humorist Edmund Clerihew Bentley (1875-1956), a clerihew is a humorous four-line rhyming poem about a person whose name is mentioned in the first line; in fact, the name must be at the end of that line (or constitute the whole line) so that it has to rhyme with something. The rhyme structure (and we don't want "lazy" rhymes ) is AABB: the first line rhymes with the second, the third with the fourth. While the rhymes have to be valid, the meter can be off, as in the example above by Gene Weingarten , who as a passionate New York Giants fan is passionately angry at Jason Pierre-Paul. You may use either fictional or real people, and the Empress tends to favor subjects who've been in the news recently, though she's made many exceptions for the oldies. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobble head. Second place — in a salute to E.C. Bentley — receives another in our Cup Size series, this one marginally more printable: It's a U.K. souvenir shot glass featuring a pair of voluptuous glass breasts barely covered by a flag-motif bikini top. Call it a Union Jill. Donated by Style Invitational Devotee Ellen Goldlust. Just right for a nip of British gin: This shot glass is this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, July 27; results published Aug. 16 (online Aug. 13). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1133" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at /wapo.st/InvRules/ . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead was sent in by both Nan Reiner and William Kennard. A clerihew contest was suggested by both David Smith and Michael Greene. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday ./ *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter (she'll share the results of the Invite's first clerihew contest), check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . *A SPELL OF BARD LUCK: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1129: In Week 1129 we put up a list of 50 stumpers from this year's National Spelling Bee and asked for short poems featuring them. Many Loserbards noted that "epithalamium" has that ONE-two-three, TWO-two-three meter — a double dactyl; this week's Inkin' Memorial winner is the best of them, in its knitted-highbrow/lowbrow glory. 4th place: *HIPPOCREPIFORM,* /horseshoe-shaped / Dear John: While stuff that's hippocrepiform is sometimes known to take the world by storm— the playground swing, the basic yoga pose, the seam that joins the legs of pantyhose, the handle of the hanging kitchen spoon, the "C," the horseshoe (duh!), the crescent moon— the truth, my darling, is that your appendage was better when it had a lot less ... bendage. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 3rd place: *HOOROOSH, /a wild, hurried or excited state or situation / *Under D.C., (as sung by Sebastian the Crab from "The Little Mermaid," and ona video by the writer )* WMATA, dey always pleadin'; dey beg me to take de train. Now I goin' to miss my meetin'; de subway is late again. We trudge down into de station 'cause de escalator broke. De Center of Operation: hooroosh as we fill wid smoke! Under D.C., under D.C.! Endin' location: your destination, or destiny? Cellphone no good in subway car. What do I need dis hassle far? I'm not a goober; I'm callin' Uber. Under D.C. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place and the books "Nature's Nether Regions" and "Art of the Fart": *CIBARIAL,* /referring to food/ My passions are cibarial From breakfast time till bed. Advisers actuarial Predict I'll soon be dead. "I love my weight!" I tell them straight, And advocate they try it: If thin is man's intended state. Then why is "die" in "diet"? (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *EPITHALAMIUM* (EP-i-tha-LAME-ium),/a song composed for a wedding / Higgledy piggledy Iggy Azalea Rocks out her wedding to Nick in July, Rapping her vows in an Epithalamium: "Beg for it, baby, from I-G-G-Y. " (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Spelling B-pluses: honorable mentions *MINHAG* (MIN-hog),/Jewish custom that has developed over time rather than being decreed / At my Seder there's no paschal lamb, As Reform as can be? That I am! So my family minhag: A fat "it's no sin" hog! Want a slice of my Passover ham? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *COLLUTORIUM,* /mouthwash/ A man went inside an emporium And purchased some cheap collutorium. Unlike Listerine, This was eau de latrine. He's listed today In Memoriam. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *EPITHALAMIUM,* /a wedding song/ Blubbery glubbery, Edith of Downton was Left at the altar, her Heart full of gloom; Quickly they wrote a new Epithalamium — Guess what they titled it? "There Goes the Groom." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Stephen's believin'! Plus Anthony Kennedy, Sonia, Elena, and Ruth Bader G.: SCOTUS is singing the Epithalamium Nature composed for my Partner and me! (Nan Reiner) *SCYTALE (either "sittily" or "sightly"), /a coded message written on a strip of leather, then decoded when wrapped around a pole / Spartans found it worked so prettily: Secret writing with a scytale. They would wind long strips of leather Round a staff; when put together, Staff and strips bore information. So "scytale," in my translation, In terms of how it does the trick, Is simply this: a memory stick. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) For this message (I'll ask you politely) Please wrap it around the stick tightly; If it's loose on the staff, The receiver will laugh. "I can't read this — it's much too un-scytale." (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) *SAMADHI* (sa-MAH-di), /a state of intense concentration/ A yogi's meditation has him Feeling an orgasmic spasm In an out-of-body trance. Oh, what a samadhi-pants! (Chris Doyle) *MAMALIGA* (mama-leega), /a Romanian cornmeal dish / When I first heard "mamaliga," I almost felt a rush! I thought it sounded sexual, but now I know that's mush. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *COCOZELLE* (coco-zelly), /a zucchini-like squash/ The doctor was astonished; His patient he admonished: "Cocozelle is delish Sliced or diced, served with fish." So tell me truthfully, my dear, How'd this one get up your rear?" (Lois Bartis, McLean, Va., a First Offender) *TARTAREAN* (either "tarta-RE-an" or "tar-TAIR-ean"), /hellish/ It figures: When you hardly ever floss— a wicked lapse, in your hygienist's view, because it boosts your risk of dental loss— and then she scrapes your plaque and scours your goo to save you from a grin that's European, the torture's positively tartarean. (Melissa Balmain) In Hades, the pit most tartarean's Reserved for pedantic grammarians. (Chris Doyle) *EPHELIDES* (e-FELL-e-deez), /freckles /A fella sees Penelope's Ephelides. "The hell a' dese? Some yella fleas? Let's quell-a these — Umbrella, please!" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *VESPIARY,* /a nest of wasps/ Persons should be very wary Getting near a vespiary. Do not denigrate the wasp: It can put you in the hosp. (Mae Scanlan) *ACRITARCH,* /a kind of small fossil/ Hark, hark! The acritarch At Heaven's gate sings; Been waiting here three million years, Three million falls and springs. It's time for you to let me in To join your works colossal. If your eye is on the sparrow, Then it should be on this fossil. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) *PORWIGLE,* /a tadpole/ (Sung to "Titwillow" by Gilbert and Sullivan) I stuck some bait on a little brass hook Porwigle, porwigle, porwigle. Big eyes, a mouth, a tiny tail shook Porwigle, porwigle, porwigle Baby frog hatchlings are ugly as I, Slimy, fat commas to throw when I "fly" But it also describes a tight dress on a guy: Poor wiggle, poor wiggle, poor wiggle. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *HIPPOCREPIFORM,* /horseshoe-shaped/ The hourglass — a figure that most males find appealing; But pear-shapes, with protruding hips, for some evoke more feeling. I love the hippocrepiforms, so flaunt 'em if you got 'em Round and bulging at the top and open at the bottom. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest for bogus history trivia. See bit.ly/invite1132 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1134, published July 26, 2015 Week 1134: The 'Sty'le Invitational Red'ux' Plus 'carpe BM' and other winning puns on foreign phrases It's the "Aw"ard for just being on the team: This week's challenge is to find more "air quotes" — words within other words. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers July 23 (Click here to skip down to this week's winning puns on foreign phrases.) *"Aw"ard: The trophy the team gives to the schlumpy kids just for participating.* (Roger Dalrymple) *Ameri"can": A butt larger than a size 18.* (Barbara Turner) *Se"cret in"gredient: A common marketing ploy targeting the pathologically gullible.* (David Garratt) This squirrel has no idea how ridiculous it looks! Then again, it doesn't care — it's eating. This feeder is this week's second prize. (archiemcphee.com ) By personal request of the long-deposed but occasionally still indulged Czar of The Style Invitational, who maintains that the Empress has not redone this contest often enough — "you have never given them the love they deserve" — we bring you another encore of our "air quotes" contest, which last ran two years ago, and before that in 2009, 2001 and 2000. Exactly the same as before: Put quotation marks around part of a word, name or phrase and define the result,* as in the inking entries above from Week 1031 in 2013. (Links to the previous results appear in this week's Style Conversational at bit.ly/conv1134 .) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a squirrel feeder in the shape of a hollow horsehead; if the critters are going to eat up your seeds anyway, you might as well enjoy watching them look ridiculous while doing so. (Could a similar device be created for, say, tax auditors?) Donated by Loser Diane Wah. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 3; results published Aug. 23 (online Aug. 20). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1134" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . MANQUÉ BUSINESS: THE FOREIGN-PHRASE PUNS OF WEEK 1130: **In Week 1130 we asked you to make a pun on a foreign term or phrase (or a foreign term that's become an English one) and describe the result. Here's /la crème/ of about 1,700 entries. Not sure what the original term was? Clicking on a link below will show it to you. 4th place: *Carpe BM: * Clean up after your dog! (Neal Starkman, Seattle) 3rd place: *Hate couture: * Wrapping yourself in the Confederate flag. (Nan Reiner, visting Boca Raton, Fla.) 2nd place and the deck of "Aussie Sheila" cards: *In MoCo parentis: * Calling Child Protective Services if you see some kids walking down the street. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *'Sup du jour: * Whatever greeting is currently hip. "A fist bump followed by a low five and a quiet 'yo' is the 'sup du jour in Flatbush. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Honorable Menschen (und Frauen): *Choreigami: * The art of folding laundry. (Ben Aronin, Washington) *Paterfemalias: * Caitlyn Jenner. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Liberté, égalité, maternité: *The result of too much fraternité. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) *Huevos ranch eros: * Breakfast on Brokeback Mountain. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Ice versa: Giving back the engagement ring. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Glamor vincit omnia: *What Hillary Clinton sincerely hopes is not true. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Amor vincit amnesia: *Typical soap opera plot. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Joie de Bieber: *It feels pretty good to be 21 years old and worth 200 million dollars. (Tom Witte) *Jindalaya: A concoction that somehow manages to be both bland and offensive. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Ho polloi: * A cheap hooker. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *Hea culpa: * It's the other guy's fault. (Jim Stiles, Rockville, Md.) *Maya culpa: It's the Mexicans' fault! — D. Trump (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Mayor culpa: Marion Barry, Vincent Cianci, Kwame Kilpatrick, Ray Nagin . . . (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Plus ça change, plus c'est la même shows: * The new sitcoms look a lot like the old ones. (Skip Livingston, Hopewell, N.J.) *De Plorabus Unum: The one thing we can all agree on is we don't like each other. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) *Répondez s'il vous play: *An invitation on Tinder. (Dave Patton, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) ** Non compass mentis: *"Don't worry, honey, I know exactly where we're going." (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Non compost mentis: "Did you just throw those perfectly good vegetable peels into the trash can? You must be out of your freaking mind!" (Danielle Nowlin) *Ad hock: *Served with a special garnish to an obnoxious diner: After being ordered to "make it snappy," Pierre served up the filet mignon ad hock." (Jim Stiles) *Persona non gratuity: * What the waiter will be if he serves the filet ad hock. (Jim Stiles) *Purse-owner non grata: *It's a man's world. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Ladenfreude: The collective American cheer when we learned that the Navy SEALs got their man. (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) *Rigor Morris: When a cat has used up its nine lives. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Peeanissimo:* The quieter volume you get from aiming at the side of the toilet bowl. (Dave Prevar) *Bonk vivant:* Someone who always wants to bed the life of the party. (Frank Osen) *Boudoirk:* The opposite of a bonk vivant. (Frank Osen) *Veryboten:* Not just out of the question, but OUT OF THE QUESTION. (Dudley Thompson) *Coup de grass:* Lawn 1, mower 0. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) *Coitus interruckus:* The upstairs neighbors are at it again. (Chris Doyle) *Cri decor: *"What have you DONE to my HOUSE??" the HGTV contestant screamed. (Marni Penning Coleman) *La dolce feta:* Greece, back in the day. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) *Chargé d'affairs:* Alimony. (John Burton, Herndon, Va.) *Summa cum loud:* Letting everyone know, for the rest of your life, that you graduated at the top of the class. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *Cad infinitum:* Many a woman's dating history. (Amy Harris) *Caveat emptier: *Beware the overfull diaper pail. (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) *Caveat hemptor:* Dude, that might be oregano. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Knobless oblige:* A eunuch's responsibility to the harem. (Jeff Shirley) *Sooey generous:* The family-size barbecue platter. (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Sinus qua non:* The phlegm de la phlegm of nasal infections. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) *Sheikh semper tyrannis:* There's not much democracy in some of those desert kingdoms. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *Shlalom: The downhill path of Middle East peace. (Kevin Dopart, visiting Naxos, Greece) *Nom de fume:* Your rants-only Twitter handle. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.; Larry Neal, McLean, Va.) *Nom de prune: "California Dried Plums." (Yuki Henninger, Vienna, Va.) *Veni, Vidi, Vichy:* I came, I saw, I surrendered. (Neil Harris, Gaithersburg, Md., a First Offender) *Pox populi:* Veni, VD, vici. (Jeff Contompasis) *Lardi Gras:* An even fatter Tuesday. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Tardi Gras: *Fat Thursday. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) *Stoat couture: *Genuine furs at a lower price point. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *Entree nous: *"I'm not that hungry — I'll just have a little of yours." (Marni Penning Coleman) *Tannenbomb:* The Style Invitational FirStink "prize." (Emily Davis, Bloomington, Ind.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, July 27: our contest for clerihews. See bit.ly/invite1133 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1135, published August 2, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1135: The meter's running: What in life needs a timer? Plus the winning ideas for surplus stuff like 8-foot tires and bowling alley wood ATM, lady, does not stand for All the Time is Mine. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 30 (Click here to skip down to the winners of our contest for ideas for repurposing surplus industrial materials) *Limit: 60 seconds or one transaction at the ATM, whichever is shorter. Penalty: Your account and PIN get uploaded to hackerhangout.com.* *Limit: 30 seconds to pay up in the cafeteria line. Penalty: You have to sit for five minutes with your meal in front of you, but not eat. Washingtonians might not be as frenetic and impatient as New Yorkers, but for a bunch of bureaucrats, we don't have much patience for those who carry on their lives at a languid, la-di-da pace — especially when they're in front of us in the line at the post office, and it doesn't seem to occur to them that at the end of the transaction, they are expected to produce some sort of payment for the shipment of the package they'd failed to wrap properly in the first place; that must explain why they have not, in the previous many minutes, done some research into which little hidey-hole of their multi-pocket handbag is holding their collection of loose coins and shrink-folded $1 bills. Loser Mike Gips of Bethesda (by way of New York) suggests this week's contest: Suggest actions in daily life that should require a time limit — maximum or minimum — and come up with a an appropriate penalty for running over (or under), as in the examples above. The entries don't have to be written in as short a form as these, but don't write more than a short paragraph. Whacks eloquent: 254-time Loser Nan Reiner with this week's second prize before donating it; various Invitationalana fills the background. (Selfie by Nan Reiner) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place — perhaps apropos of this week's contest — receives a top-of-the-lineinflatable head-hatchet, complete with attached headband and decorated in a cartoony splashing-blood motif. Donated by Loser Nan Reiner. The Empress primly donned this hatchet in a restaurant at a Loser brunch; late arrivals had no trouble finding the Style Invitational table. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 10; results published Aug. 30 (online Aug. 27). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1135" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Shirley. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational:* The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the The Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . *LAUGHEDOVERS: RECYCLING IDEAS FROM WEEK 1135: *In Week 1131* we listed some items available from RepurposedMaterialsInc.com — everything from mineral oil to Jersey barriers to a hockey rink — and asked for some imaginative ideas for using them singly or in combination. Many people suggested using the synthetic turf to accompany that non-crabmeat for an all-fake "surf and turf." 4th place: *100-foot diameter military cargo parachutes:* Your Mama can use one as a skirt. Well, more of a miniskirt. (Ben Aronin, Washington) 3rd place: *Purple linen napkins: Sew 50 of them together to make a Baltimore Ravens uniform. Or sew two together to make a Baltimore Ravens cheerleader uniform. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place *and the ceramic outhouse "sculpture" : * *Plastic ballot boxes:* To keep illegal immigrants far away from Donald Trump, use the plastic ballot boxes to build a thick wall around him. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *10-milliliter glass vials: Want to see how clever squirrels really are? Make a glass harp — that set of glasses that makes music when you put water in the glasses and rub the edges — and set it up in front of a screen with a walnut behind it. When the squirrel learns to play "Anticipation," the screen opens and it gets the nut — and you'll get a zillion views on Instagram. You do have to be patient; it took more than 10 minutes for the ones in my yard to solve it. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Re(f)used: honorable mentions *Boardwalk boards:* Surprise the wife and cover your bedroom ceiling with boardwalk boards, throw some sand and seaweed on the bed and relive some Drifters magic . (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) *Bowling alley wood: Great for kitchen countertops and tables — especially when paired with repurposed pinsetters that automatically serve and clear away your meals. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Bowling alley wood: Roof your house with it: Based on my experience, anything that lands on it will quickly end up in the gutter. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.; Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Carpet tiles:* Perfect vehicles for very small genies. (Beverley Sharp) *Carpet tiles:* Install them on a brick patio in the D.C. area and you'll quickly have a mushroom farm growing out of the carpet just a step away from your kitchen door. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) ** Carpet tiles:* To avoid the expense of carpeting /and/ to make a fashion statement, glue carpet tiles to all your shoes. (Jeff Shirley) *Carpet tiles:* Make a home exfoliation spa! 1. Cover the kid's slide in the backyard with carpet tiles. 2. Disrobe. 3. Slide down four times: front, back, left, right. 4. Did we forget to recommend a privacy screen? (For extra exfoliation, substitute the asphalt shingles*.) (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.; Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Escalator handrails:* They'll fit perfectly as handrails for Metro's stairs. (Ben Aronin; Matt Monitto) *Escalator handrails:* Advertise a handrail as the world's largest piece of licorice, and charge skeptics to take a bite because really, who could tell? (Jeff Shirley) *Concrete barriers and planters: Always dreamed of living in a building as warm and welcoming as the HHS headquarters ? Some of these will give you that same friendly ambiance! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *A plastic hockey rink: How many times have you said, "Let's play plastic hockey!" and you had no rink? (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) *Jersey barriers:* Okay, Christie's contained. Now we need two dozen other state barriers. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) *Purple linen napkins: Start a blog called Build the Purple Line Now! Ask for supporters to buy your "Purple Line Flags" and display them on trees and utility poles in their neighborhoods. Then buy another truckload, paint a red slash on each napkin, and start a blog called No Purple Line in My Backyard! (Joseph Mat Schech, Colesville, Md.) *Purple linen napkins: Finally I can make curtains to match my Chivas Regal bag duvet cover! (Barbara Turner) *Purple linen napkins:* A new line of "Mankinis by Prince." (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Plastic pallets: The Republican National Committee should stock up now — disposable platforms will be essential after the primaries. (Kevin Dopart) *Fire hose and mineral oil: Elephants may still be vulnerable to poachers and loss of habitat, but with enough of these, you can cross constipation off their list of worries. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Particle board:* States with awful health-care systems can use them to build cheap coffins; they can even call the boards "death panels." (Kevin Dopart) *Ski lift cable: Research proves that children who have ski lift cable running directly from bed to bus stop have fewer absences and tardies. (Rob Huffman) ** * 10-ml vials:* Fill them with Coke, then advertise "97 percent less high-fructose corn syrup compared to our regular can of Coke!" (Joseph Mat Schech) *8-foot-diameter tires:* Cruise lines need new life rings for their American passengers, especially on the final days of the cruise. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Combination of items: Use the carpet tiles on the walls to upgrade the soundproofing of your rumpus room. Use the climbing rope, rubber sheets and mineral oil to upgrade your rumpus. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) *Odor-eater fabric: Instead of parchment when publishing "The Best of The Style Invitational: Premium Collector's Edition" . . . (Kevin Dopart) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 3: Our "air quotes" wordplay contest. See bit.ly/invite1134. ====================================================================== NO WEEK NUMBER; published August 9, 2015 Semper Fib: All-bogus military trivia from Style Invitational Week 1132 Someone told you that the Civil War WASN'T about whether chili should have beans? You mustn't be from Texas. Larry McClemons's runner-up fictoid. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers August 6 **(No new contest this week. Click here to skip down for the details, such as they are.) REPORT FROM WEEK 1132: In Week 1132,* in yet another attempt to bring the full, unvarnished untruth to our readers, we asked for bogus trivia about the military, past or present, domestic or foreign. A disturbing number of entrants, however, decided instead to supply their favorite old saws from their Army days, or send in sexist, xenophobic "humor" so lame and archaic that it made "Beetle Bailey" seem like "Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal." A sizable fraction of the rest made a peepee joke about Waterloo. But as always, we're able to muster a scrappy battalion of inkworthy entries. 4th place: Despite accusations of less noble aims, the Civil War was actually caused by conflicts over regionalism, states' rights and whether chili should include beans. — Board of Education, State of Texas (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) 3rd place: Two decorated pairs of brothers — Thomas and Ernest Hall, who fought in the Mexican-American War, and Billy and Eddy Shore, who saw battle in the First Barbary War — are memorialized in the Marines' Hymn. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) If you've already won an Inkin' Memorial but were too late for the Inker, you might want to opt for one of these regifted guys. You still have to win the contest, though. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) 2nd place and the Pee & Poo stuffed toys : Union Gen. George McClellan was unable to mount an assault on Richmond because of a huge tactical error: He attempted to move south from Washington through Fairfax County on a Friday evening. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial The Congressional Medal of Honor — awarded for gallantry, bravery and willingness to risk personal well-being for the sake of the greater good — was originally intended to be given /to/ members of Congress. They figured out the problem pretty quick, though. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) DODgy stories: honorable mentions Before Greek soldiers fought at the Battle of Marathon in 490 B.C., they had to qualify at the Battle of 10K. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Freshmen at the U.S. Naval Academy are called plebes — short for plebeians — to reflect their lower status. However, the practice of calling seniors patricias — short for patricians — never caught on. (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) At Appomattox, Robert E. Lee said to Ulysses S. Grant, "You, General, may have won the war, but I bet you a thousand dollars that in 50 years, I will have way more stuff named after me than you have." In 1915 Grant's descendants paid off the bet with Confederate dollars. (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) Not a single rose died in the War of the Roses. (Richard Lempert, Arlington, Va.) Following the order ofGen. Israel Putnam , Revolutionary soldiers did not fire until British troops were well up Bunker Hill because so many of the Redcoats had contracted conjunctivitis. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) When the War Department contracted with a food supplier to supply packaged meals for combat troops, the company used existing stock but changed the packaging from "Ken-L Ration" to "K-ration." (Steve Price, New York) The word "khaki" comes from the Urdu language, in which it means "always wrinkled." (Larry McClemons) The pejorative term "surrender monkey" comes from the French sur rentrer manqué ("lack of return") and refers to soldiers who mysteriously vanish in battle. (Chris Doyle) The Swiss Army fights with knives. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) In response to reports of "Potemkin villages" in Stalinist Russia, the U.S. Army developed a plywood-seeking missile. (Larry McClemons) The architect of the Air Force Memorial said the design came to him while he was pulling McDonald's french fries out of the bag. (Drew Bennett) To the dismay of the more conservative members of Congress, the USS Constitution has been repaired 27 times. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Generals on both sides of the Civil War were remarkably sensitive to the need for sanitary facilities for their soldiers, as well as the need for well-cleared areas to park the many wagons that accompanied their battalions. This explains why so many Civil War battles were fought at national parks. (John Baniszewski, Columbia, Md., a First Offender) The Defense Intelligence Agency softball team is the Rheas. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Following the disastrous "Charge of the Light Brigade" in the Crimean War, Lord Cardigan was removed from command of the disarmed brigade, and replaced by Lord Sweatervest. (Larry McClemons) USMA stands for "use scores of mystifying acronyms." (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) During the Siege of Jerusalem in 1099, the defenders ran out of boiling oil to repel the Crusaders, so they switched to boiling vinegar. The tactic failed because vinegar boils at the temperature of a medium-hot shower. (Mike Gips) The uniform ribbons worn on the chest are called "fruit salad" because each one provides 10 calories of emergency nourishment if held on the tongue for 60 seconds. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) The original World War II plans for the War Department's headquarters called for a rectangular building, but congressional hawks insisted that it have an extra side. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) The "Pentagon" actually has an unseen sixth side: That's where stealth soldiers are designed. (Al Fisher, Rockville, Md.) During an inspection, Naval Reserve Lt. Cmdr. Lyndon Johnson was photographed picking up a sailor by the ears. (Kevin Dopart) William Jefferson Blythe Sr., the grandfather of Bill Clinton, survived a deadly mustard gas attack in World War I because he managed not to inhale. (Frank Mann, Washington) Military aircrafttoilet seats from the 1980s are now available on eBay for $6.40 each. (Kevin Dopart) By 2000 B.C., the Sumerians had mostly given up using copper for weapons — not because it did not hold an edge, but because thieves kept selling the spears to scrap dealers. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) /And Last:/ The creation of the rank of "rear admiral (lower half)" was originally an entry by a deputy assistant secretary of the Navy in a humor contest. It was accidentally forwarded to the secretary of defense — and approved. (Jeff Contompasis) But not the horse they Rodin on Before the Inkin' Memorial, there was the Inker — which was half a pair of "Thinker" bookends with a paper bag (labeled "Winning Loser") to cover its shamed head. Inkers were given to first-place winners from 2004 to 2012. (Before 2004, during the Czarist era, the winner got the gag prize that now goes to the second-place finisher.) Last week, Bigshot Loser Christopher Lamora, who's getting ready to move, regifted his six Inkers (pictured above and here ) back to the Empress; future winners may opt for one of these until they're gone. At ease ... It's August. Give that little brain of yours a rest. Or ... Four weeks from now, the Empress will be spending a few days surveying her overseas dominions (and marrying off the Little Prince). And so for that week, she'll be putting together an Invitational that can be finished in advance — probably featuring sundry Great Stuff That Was Robbed of Ink Some Time Ago. To keep the other weeks' contests on schedule, there's no new contest this week: You and your fellow Losers get a week off to dust off your cranial synapses, write cranky letters to the editor, think of limericks featuring words beginning with ga-, whatever it is you people do. The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 10: our contest to cite situations that need a time limit. See bit.ly/invite1136 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1136, published August 16, 2015 Style Invitational contest Week 1136: Gaah! It's Limerixicon XII! And it's mind over meter for the winning clerihews of Week 1133 Not the picture of gaiety, but the "ga-" word was prominent enough in Chris Doyle's classic 2006 limerick to serve as this year's Limerixicon example. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post/Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers August 13 New contest for Week 1136: Gaah! It's Limerixicon XII!(Click here to skip down to the results of the Week 1133 clerihew contest) *The cardinal hates spontaneity; * He castigates us for our gaiety: * "The Devil's within* *And your laughter's a sin . . ." * That's no way to be treating a laity! (Chris Doyle, from Limerixicon 3, the contest for "ca-" words, 2006) As we hinted last week, we return once again to check up on Chris Strolin and company's inexorable climb up Mount Dictionary to learn that OEDILF.com — the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, established 2004, predicted finish date Dec. 12, 2043 — has now trudged, 90,000 limericks strong, into the seventh letter of the alphabet. Just the beginning of it, of course. Let's give Chris and his fellow limericists their annual Loserly boost: *Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any English word, name or term beginning with "ga-,"* as in the example above by the galumphingly gallant, galactically garrulous Chris Doyle. Seewapo.st/InviteLim for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell: "perfect" rhyme, and a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm in Lines 1, 2 and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; plus "weak" syllables on either side). See OEDILF.com about submitting limericks there after this contest is over. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives yet another in our recurring Kitschy Shell Sculpture Prizes: a pair of scallop shell owls whose plastic eyes stare at you with with a mixture of shock, indignation and just plain creepiness. We highly recommend placing it on a child's nightstand, to give little Tyler a little jolt to the senses upon awakening. Donated by Florida thrift store habitue Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 24; results published Sept. 13 (online Sept. 10). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1136" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / Owly terror! We didn't ask how much prize donor Nan Reiner shelled out for this fine sculpture. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . *MIND OVER METER: THE CLERIHEWS OF WEEK 1133*: In Week 1133, we announced our second-ever contest for clerihews, a light-verse form coined a century ago by the humorist Edmund Clerihew Bentley. *The rules:* Four lines rhyming AABB; a person's name ending the first line; and a meter that sounds like the worst entries for our contests in which we want /good/ meter. The Empress received so many terrific clerihews that she'll run another set of winners three weeks from now (the less timely ones, as opposed to ones about the GOP candidates; who knows which of them will be standing on Sept. 6?). 4th place: *Bernie Sanders* Never panders, Thinks for himself and speaks well. He hasn't got a chance in hell. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.) 3rd place: *Madam Secretary Clinton, otherwise known as Hillary Rodham:* Qualifications to be president? Yes, she's got 'em. But still Fox News refuses to acknowledge her as a viable contender. Seems it's opposed to her agender. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place and the tasteless U.K. souvenir shot glass: *Bill Cosby,* Whatever his flaws be, At least wasn't like one of those selfish lugs Who invite you over but don't share their drugs. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Antonin Scalia* Would very much like to see a Return to the days when gentlemen wed only ladies; In fact, he'd like time turned back to the 1780s. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Boo 'hews: honorable mentions *Donald Trump* Is a horse's rump And is apparently quite proud of it. On second thought, he's not the rump, but what comes out of it. (Robert Schechter) *John Boehner* Couldn't make his position any plainer: "This Iran treaty stinks; Congress will shred it! I'll let you know why as soon as I've read it." Max Gutmann, Cupertino, Calif.) *Hillary Clinton *Knew very well she'd make a mint in Speaking fees, but she still claimed she was "broke" And could therefore relate to the common folk. (Robert Schechter) *John Ellis Bush* Is making a push To be prez, which for even the most stout of us Absolutely scares the Jebesus out of us. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Chris Christie* Was the Right's enlistee For best bloviating bully on the stump. Then came Trump. (J. Larry Schott) *John Kerry* Is very Amused to see someone on the Right mock a vet of the war. That's so 2004. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif) The only way Donald Trump* Could be less of a chump Is if he (the whole package: body! shirts! belts!) Were somebody elts. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Rick Santorum* Maintains his decorum By never bugling The top result of his ego-Googling. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Hey! It's Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman!*) "Yeah, that's right, I'm on the loose, man. But don't worry, I'm no threat to American law and order — I'm one Mexican who doesn't want to cross the border. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *David Cameron,* Like all pols, does lots of yammerin', But even empty talk sounds nicer coated with the gloss Of the British uppa closs. (Brendan Beary) *American Pharoah Is there in the A-row With Secretariat, but in Row Z In the spelling bee. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) [The contest announcement said a clerihew had to be about "a person," but who cares?] *Osama bin Laden* Four years ago barely had time to utter "God in Heaven! Is it . . . " He'll never finish, nor will he get to visit. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Barack Obama* Confessed to the Dalai Lama That meditating on some remote cliff Was looking increasingly terrif. (Warren Clements, Toronto) Were Bono* (Which rhymes not with "Oh, no," but "Ah, no") And U2 to declare recording moratoria, It would cause me U4ia. (Frank Osen) "The Little Mermaid" protagonist Ariel* Teaches young girls a lesson that's no better than secretarial. Solely for the purpose of nabbing a princely tenor, She goes through a bigger change than Caitlyn Jenner. (Matt Monitto) A gifted writer is*Harper Lee,* And I don't mean to be a carper, gee, But to believe that the manuscript of "Go Set a Watchman" published by Rupert Murdoch-owned HarperCollins and as reported in the Murdoch-owned Wall Street Journal was just recently discovered by lawyer Tonja Carter — C'mon, don't you think we're smarter? (Roy Ashley, Washington *Kardashian, Kim,* Is far from prim. A stark reminder Can be found behind her. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) ** Jackson Pollock* Was an inveterate alcoholock And it was on the inside of his windshield that this drunken berk Painted his last abstract expressionist work. (Rob Stuart, Staines-Upon-Thames, England, a First Offender) *Edmund Clerihew Bentley* Created a form of verse that has never mocked gently. In The Post, the poetic humor you seek'll Most likely, in quality and subject matter, be fecal. (Matt Monitto) ====================================================================== WEEK 1137, published August 23, 2015 Homes'pun' humor: The la'ugh'able 'air quotes from Style Invitational Week 1134 And our new contest, Week 1137: Be a published author in 28 days! (By spicing up a book title.) SU"PERV"ISOR: This week's winning "air quotes" entry, by Brendan Beary. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers August 20 (Click here to skip down to this week's new contest, Week 1137) REPORT FROM WEEK 1134: In Week 1134 we gave another run to our popular "air quotes" contest, in which we wanted you to find a telling word inside another word or name. Sorry, many of you, but we already did Donald T"rump" in 2001. In fact, The Donald has been very good to The Style Invitational ever since Year 1 in 1993; a runner-up in Week 21 was "Donald Trump is so annoying that Amnesty International wants him beaten and locked up." (Tom Gearty) See a collection of Trump Ink in this week'sStyle Conversational column. 4th place: *Se"dated":* Out for a romantic evening. — W. Cosby (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3rd place: *The"irs":* That which, after April 15, no longer belongs to us. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2nd place /and thehorse-head squirrel feeder: / Our man in Richmond: Campaign swag for Virginia state Senate candidate Carl Loser. (Rhymes with "poser.") (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *Com"place"nt:* Second best is good enough for me. (Yuki Henninger, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Su"perv"isor:* The boss who believes too strongly in "hands-on management." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) So f'un'ny: honorable mentions *Se"rape": See, I told you. — D. Trump, New York (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) *Ce"meter"y:* Tick. . . tick. . . tick. . . — G. Reaper (Brendan Beary) *"Can"dor:* "Well, yes, it does look big in that dress." (Dion Black, Washington) *"Ass"uage: "Oh, no, it doesn't look big at all." (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) *"Spa"ghetti: A plate of bean sprouts. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Affordable Ca"re Act":* Also known as "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" (Frank Mann, Washington) *iP"hon"e: "Dear, we should talk. Can you look at me when we talk?" (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *Red"ski"ns:* Going downhill since the 1990s. (Ward Kay) *P"lung"ing neckline: Deepest cleavage ever. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Sa"turd"ay Night Live:* What the show is now vs. whenever the complainer was in college. (Steve Honley, Washington) ** "Tref"oil:* The least popular Girl Scout scout cookie in Brooklyn. (Jeff Covel, Arlington, Va.) *A"sham"ed: "I regret that some people found my remarks offensive." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *"Lame"ntations:* Crocodile tears. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *"Was"hingtonian: D.C. resident who complains about how much better it used to be when she could shop at Garfinckel's and Woodies. (Steve Honley) *"Ha"ir:* The thing on Trump's head. (Melissa Balmain) *A"sparta"me: Switching from regular to Diet Coke. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Calip"hate":* No elaboration necessary. (Mike Gips) *Cav"eat" emptor:* Word to the wise at the $3.99 buffet. (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) *Chris "Christ"ie:* A candidate with just a bit of an ego. (Ed Scarbrough, Germantown, Md., a First Offender) *Co"it"us: Birds do, bees do. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) ** Infi"deli"ty:* A venue for sampling a wide variety of tasty dishes. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Com"miser"ation: All you get from a wealthy friend when you're badly in debt. (John Shea, Philadelphia) *So"cialis"m: Whatever it is, it's giving Bernie a big rise. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Cont"race"ption: The rush to get the condom package open before the mood wilts. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Exe"cute": "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to watch cat videos until you kill yourself." (Dion Black) *Exhi"bit"ionist:* A poorly endowed flasher. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *F"utility": After a summer storm, waiting for Pepco to get the power back on. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Gen"eros"ity: What Your Mama showed to the football team. (Robert Schechter) *Gua"camo"le: Fatigued avocado dip with dark-green and brown splotches. (Jeff Contompasis) *H"usb"and: Computer geek who claims to have a wife. (Philip Justus, Potomac, Md.) *House of Rep"resent"atives: A legislative body with a 16 percent approval rating. (Christopher Thorpe, San Francisco, a First Offender) *I"ow"a: Spending $7 million on campaign ads and still coming in third. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *Journa"list":* A writer whose entire body of work consists of that "Ten Things You Need To Know. . . " clickbait. (Lawrende McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Large Had"ron Co"llider:* It slices! It dices! It smashes to bits! (Michael Rosen, New York) *Long I"slander": Those stereotypes? They're all true. (Ken Stern, New York) *Mob enfor"cement": These guys really know how to take care of you. (Beverley Sharp) *Plastic s"urge on": "Have your husband's eyes been wandering? This week only, 20 percent off facelifts." (Arnold Berke, Washington, a First Offender) *Re"cog"nition:* The award the boss gives you to make you forget how unimportant your job is. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) ** Se"cur"ity: Junkyard dog. (Jeff Hazle) *Washing"ton" Post: The Sunday paper before the Internet. (Michael Woodward, Yellowknife, Northwest Territories) And this week's new contest: WEEK 1137: BE A PUBLISHED AUTHOR IN 28 DAYS! *TRY A THREE-WAY!* /Utilizing Polarized Plugs /(Bruce Alter) *PULLING STRINGS TO GET AHEAD:* /Collected Transcriptions for the Harp/ (Bruce Alter) *TRIGONOMETRY THE HARRY POTTER WAY (Stephen Dudzik) ** As of this writing, the number of different paperback titles available on Amazon.com: 29,465,646. Hardcovers: 10,721,497. Kindle books: 2,509,059. And so it's certainly no easier to get people to buy /your/ book, rather than the competing volume on how to re-porcelain your sink, than it was in 2001, when Style Invitational Losers Bruce Alter and Stephen Dudzik got ink in a contest for spicy titles for boring books. It wasn't, however, an Invite contest; Bruce and Steve were moonlighting with the now-defunct Invite-like contest in the Canadian paper the Globe and Mail. I agree wholeheartedly with Steve's suggestion that we rip it off. *This week: Give us a spicy title for a boring book, real or imagined. *You might explain the boringosity in a subtitle, as in the first two examples, or integrate it into the title, as in the third. A short pitch for the book would not be out of line. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets one of our favorite prizes ever: genuine swag from the current Virginia state Senate campaign of Libertarian Carl R. Loser of the Richmond area: The Loser for Liberty tote bag and deck of cards were acquired for us by Richmond-based Loser (not related) Jeff Shirley. (By the way, Mr. Loser rhymes his name with "poser" — although, he says, "I do not correct people when they say 'loser' because I find that they remember the name better.") *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 31; results published Sept. 20 (online Sept. 17). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1137" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our "ga-" word limerick contest. See bit.ly/invite1136 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1138, published August 30, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1138: Show us your touché — give us some elegant insults And from Week 1135, things that need a time limit — and a suitable punishment for violators Keith Richards "still rocks, but mostly in a chair." Loser Tom Witte zinged that in 1997, but Keith has gotten the last word — 15 years later, the Stones' latest American tour grossed $80 million. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers August 27 (Click here to skip down to the results of our contest for things that need a time limit, and the penalties for violation ) */On Keith Richards:/ "He still rocks, but mostly in a chair."* — Tom Witte */On Bill Gates: /"He has something John D. Rockefeller and Howard Hughes never had: the ability to be the richest man in the world and boring at the same time."* — Russell Beland */On Elizabeth Taylor:/ "The camera used to love her. Now she's suing for alienation of affection."* — Chuck Smith */On Bill Clinton:/ "Pants down, he has been the greatest president of the late 1990s."* — Russ Horner Just be sure you're wearing a condiment: This week's secondnd-prize salt and pepper shakers, donated by Loser Nan Reiner (not pictured). (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) Back in 1997, the Czar of The Style Invitational cited comments by Dorothy Parker and Gore Vidal as examples of insults "that were withering, but executed with panache," and invited the Loser Community to serve up a few more. The Empress came upon the results last week while compiling a list of "22 years of Trump jokes" for her Style Conversational column. The Donald, noted Chuck Snowdon in Week 240, "is such a magician, only he could turntwo gold-digging bimbos into cultural icons." Parker and Vidal missed the Age of Twitter, but the Losers clearly can fill their gap: This week: Offer an elegantly snide (and original) insult of anyone living or dead,* as in the examples above from Week 240. (See the rest in this week's Style Conversational, at bit.ly/conv1138; it's posted late afternoon on Aug. 27.) **Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — perhaps to be provided to your sparklingly witty guests at your next dinner party — a petite pair of ceramic salt and pepper shakers in a dainty little basket. Lest you fear that they might seem a bit fusty, let it be clear that the shakers depict headless, legless bikinied torsos, with shaker-holes where the neck should be. Donated by the sparklingly witty, never fusty Nan Reiner, who found them in a Boca Raton thrift shop. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 8; results published Sept. 27 (online Sept 24). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1138" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was submitted independently by Jeff Contompasis, Jeff Shirley and William Kennard; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *TIME AND PUNISHMENT: The results of Week 1135*: In Week 1135 we asked for things that should have a maximum or minimum time limit, along with an appropriate penalty for violators. Many of you evidently found such penalties as electric shock, stabbing and poisoning appropriate for offenses such as placing too many items in the express line, taking too long to pee, etc. We know y'all don't like to be kept waiting, but sheez. 4th place: *Limit: Ten seconds to stop talking during a movie. *Penalty: Your popcorn is confiscated (unless you're watching "Aloha," in which case it's okay, since you're probably alone in the theater). (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place: *Eviction Notice: "Your nine-month lease on my womb has expired. Please *vacate the premises within 24-hours. Failure to comply may result in forcible removal." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place /*and theinflatable head-hatchet * /: Limit: After "teasing" a story, a broadcast news team has to report the story within five minutes of the commercial break.* Penalty: On the next newscast, they are shown in HD close-up without makeup. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial Limit: Five minutes waiting for "Important Windows updates" to load.* Penalty: $10-per-minute credit at the Apple store. (Larry Carnahan, Arlington, Va.) The quick and the dud: honorable mentions Limit: Three seconds to vacate the landing at the base of the down escalator.* Penalty: You remember thatbig boulder that rolls down the tunnel in "The Raiders of the Lost Ark"? . . . (Jack McCombs, Fairfax, Va.) Limit:*30 seconds to fit your carry-on into the overhead compartment.* Penalty: Your bag gets your seat, and YOU go in the overhead compartment. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Limit: Immediately.* If you're a member of an ethnic minority that has not yet been slurred by Donald Trump, he must remedy the situation within 30 days. (Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand) [Of all the ideas on this page, this is the most likely to happen.] Limit: Four minutes between Metro rush hour trains to avoid sardining passengers. Penalty: Metro board meetings held in a single port-a-john until the standard is consistently met. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Limit: 10 minutes to take a shower while someone else is waiting.* Penalty: You have to take your next shower in front of millions of strangers, broadcast live over the Internet. Unless you are Kim Kardashian — then the penalty is to take a shower with nobody watching. (Tom Witte) Limit:*Two minutes for wife to "powder nose" at a restaurant while dining with that boring couple.* Penalty: Husband allowed to "read paper" for an unbothered one-hour the very next Sunday morning. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Limit: 30 seconds to respond to a text or tweet from your BFF.* Penalty: Lose BFF status, be blackballed from all social events and be labeled on Facebook as "Skank of the Year." — Kayla, Class of 2018 Go Lions!!! (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Limit: 30 seconds to pay up in the cafeteria line.* Penalty: You take a tour of the cafeteria kitchen and see what's actually in your lunch. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Limit: 10 minutes to remove clothes from laundromat washer or dryer. Penalty: A mixture of chocolate milk and crushed Cheetos is dispensed onto the load. (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) *Husbands taking less than 30 seconds to have marital relations should have to rename their professional football teams. —Mrs. T. Snyder (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Limit: 14 years to learn how to pull your pants up.* Penalty: You have to wear Pampers instead of boxers. (Larry Gray) "Listen, Saint Pokey,*I've been dead an hour already.* If you can't get me through those gates in 10 minutes, I'm gonna take my soul somewhere else! (Mark Raffman) Limit: One week of a serial comic strip's plot must end within one month of real time,* unlike the half year that the motor home saga in "Judge Parker" has been going. Penalty: The writer has to tweet pictures of himself daily with "Mark Trail"-esque speech balloons coming out of his various body parts until the story line ends. (Kevin Dopart) Limit: 30 seconds to make a draft choice in fantasy football. Penalty: All your remaining picks must be from the Redskins. (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) Limit: Zero seconds for the first driver in line to be looking at the traffic light when it turns green (determined by a green-light camera). Penalty: $40. Except in D.C., where it's $150. (Brad Chatillion, Germantown, Md., a First Offender) Limit: Five seconds to swipe the parking garage key card you use every single day. Penalty: Park in that spot with pillars on both sides. (Eric Dobson, Arlington, Va. a First Offender) Limit: One hour for a worship service. Penalty: Voice from On High booms: "Your 60 minutes are up! I am not listening anymore!" (Mark Raffman) Limit: 60 seconds to respond to a text.* Penalty: I'll call you. No, seriously, I will. I'll do it. Do NOT test me on this, young lady! (Todd DeLap, Fairfax) Limit: Dog or cat has one minute to go in or out of door in front of which it sits. Penalty: Owner must repeat this process until cat or dog actually moves. (Margaret L. Welsh, Oakton) Limit: 10 seconds to discuss directions to the beach with a tollbooth operator.* Penalty: To acknowledge that you reside in the Stone Age, you must dress in animal skins. (Frank Mann, Washington) Limit: 30 seconds to select a channel on the treadmill TV at the gym and commence running. Penalty: Running three miles while watching a news report on Kiran Gandhi's menstrual marathon . (Greg Johnson, Victoria, B.C.) Limit:*5 minutes ago, when you should have gotten out of the water before that music started. Penalty: Being demoted from the top of the food chain. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) Limit: 60 minutes to take your turn in online Scrabble.* Penalty: After the first hour, the player's S's become U's. After the second hour, T's become V's. After the third hour, blanks become C's. After the third hour, the tiles revert to IIIUUUU. (Mike Gips) Limit: 45 seconds to putt.* Penalty: "ACHOO!" (Todd DeLap) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 31: Our contest to spice up the titles of boring books. See bit.ly/invite1137 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1139, published September 6, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1139: Sixty-fourplay — 64 different contests you can lose Plus more clerihews from Week 1133 — call it the Dud Poets Society "Michelangelo/ Turned the color of an unripe tangelo ..." begins Brendan Beary's clerihew. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers September 3 ** *(Click here to skip down to the clerihews from Week 1133.) *Formats: 1. A riddle (i.e., a question-and-answer joke) 2. A funny observation 3. An acrostic poem (the first letters of each line spell out a name) 4. A song parody *Subjects: A. Footwear B. Donald Trump's campaign C. The new thin Oreos D. A fad that is SO over *Limitations:* (i) Must comprise exactly 64 words (ii) Must contain a word plus an anagram of that word (iii) Must contain all 26 letters of the alphabet (iv) Could be a tweet (i.e., may have no more than 140 characters including spaces) A the second-place winner gets 190,000 prizes! Sorta: Four of the 84 triangles in Dr. Lakra's Mutant Laboratory. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *This week we reprise,* for the first time, one of the oddest Style Invitational contests ever. Back in 2000, the Empress's predecessor, the Czar, presented a contest called "When We're LXIV," which was sort of like 64 contests in one: a choice of four formats times a choice of four subjects times a choice of four limitations. Loser Bruce Carlson reminded the E that about four weeks hence will be the Czar's 64th birthday, and so how about if we ran this contest again in his "honor," with a new set of choices? Okay, Bruce. Plus, the E doesn't have to go out and get the Czar a silly tie or whatever. This week: Fashion an entry by selecting one element from each menu group above. Make sure you indicate the combination you chose (e.g., 2-C-iii). The categories above were submitted by various Losers and Style Invitational Devotees when I asked for suggestions in the Aug. 6 Style Conversational column: Thanks to Doug Frank, Tim Livengood, Mike Gips, Marni Penning Coleman, Neal Starkman and Bruce Carlson. Nan Reiner suggested today's headline. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place, incredibly apropos of this combo-contest, wins *Dr. Lakra's Mutant Laboratory,* a collection of 84 cardboard triangles each containing one quadrant of a mutant face. Mix and match 190,000 ways (well, not really, unless you don't mind, say, a neck where the ear would go). Donated by Dave Prevar, who doesn't quite look like ANY of those combinations. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 14; results published Oct. 4 (online Oct. 1). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1139" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Dave Prevar. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress is surveying her overseas domains this week (actually, she's marrying off the Royal Scion), so no Convo this week, and probably not next week either. Earlier columns are at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *DUD POETS SOCIETY: MORE CLERIHEWS FROM WEEK 1133: Four weeks ago, the Empress didn't put up a new contest so that this week she could be traipsing around the Italian coast (well, traipsing and judging limericks). So this gave her a chance to share more clerihews from Week 1133, with their ingenious rhyme combined with comically bad meter. See the first set of clerihews at *bit.ly/invite1136.* *Michelangelo* Turned the color of an unripe tangelo As he stood in the Sistine Chapel, gazed fifty feet in the air And said, "You want it painted WHERE?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Novak Djokovic* Has a powerful forehand stroke, of which You may have heard; at Wimbledon he was the betterer Of Roger Federer. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) To root for the team whose quarterback is Robert Griffin,* Your upper lip must stiffen. Try not to weep about each soul-crushing loss, Or their tree-cutting, journalist-suing, fan-gouging boss. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Antonin Scalia* Seems to have the idea That life will be a bowl of tapas If we always "" no exclusions "" adhere to the exact writings of the Founding Papas. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *President Obama* Hates drama. Although he says we can't get screwed by his nuclear deal with Iran, Yes We Can. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) Here is petulant Bibi Netanyahu,* Whose cheer for Obama is no "huzzah;" who, Calling him a "diplomatic midget," Extends a digit. (Mark Raffman) A dentist-hunter with a bow did slay the regal Cecil;* Fifty thousand dollars paid, a ranger-poacher's legal wrestle. What should become of this Dr. Palmer, who thought a mere camera shoot banal? Let him suffer through a painful root canal. (Ming Ivory, Harrisonburg, Va., a First Offender) *Piet Mondrian* Had hung some plaid laundry on An easel to dry, since it was still wet; When a collector came in and bought the whole set. (Brendan Beary) I'm a big fan of Alex Ovechkin,* And though I don't mean to kvetch, can You tell me why the Capitals annually Fail to bring home the Cup of Stanually? (Mark Raffman) Germany's*Angela Merkel* Has got the Greeks all hyster'cal! How they stew! How they moan! How they whine! Wait till the bankers tell them "nein." (Mark Raffman) ** Caitlyn Jenner* Faces a difficult future, when her Choice to live as a she No longer interests reality TV. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Caitlyn Jenner* is no longer Bruce; For being called "sir," she has no more use. Incredible as it is, she upstaged the Kardashians; Maybe, finally, this is where the classy begins and the trashy ends. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Marcus Antonius* Delivered a euphonious Eulogy to a Roman crowd and earned the affection Of everyone sitting in the Caesarean section. (Chris Doyle) Along with Matthew McConaughey Last year's cast has gone away From "True Detective," Rendering it defective. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) In Re the Presidential aspirations of John Ellis Bush:* Seriously? Another one? You must be smoking Kush. All the horrible decisions made by his big brother Dubya, Don't they trubya? (Nan Reiner) *Chris Christie* Has friendly pollsters who insist he Has nationwide appeal despite the many slurs he Faces from his constituents back home in New Jersey. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Donald Trump* Told the Republican rump He's only enraptured By soldiers who don't get captured. (Chris Doyle) *Bernie Sanders* Is getting ganders That might cause Hillary To call out the artillery. (Frank Osen) NBC's*Williams (Brian) *Lost his job because of lyin'. Thus it happened that taking over in the next semester Was Holt (Lester). (Mae Scanlan) *Anna Karenina* Made the mistake of letting other men in her. When she threw herself on the railway line, travelers were heard to complain, "That blasted express from Moscow is late again!" (Brian Allgar, Paris) *Johannes Brahms* Calms. You can put to sleep both Caucasians and people of color by Brahms's Lullerby. (Mae Scanlan) *Madonna* Gonna Be Remembered for something like virginity . (Kevin Dopart) *David George Philip Cholmondeley, 7th Marquess of Cholmondely, comely Scarlet- and gold-clad Lord Great Chamberlain of the United Kingdom, gearless, Is just David Rocksavage, peerless. (Phil Battey, Alexandria, Va.) The Empress,*Pat Myers,* Inspires Losers to work their brains into a funk For junk. (Mae Scanlan) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 7: Our elegant-insult contest. See bit.ly/invite1138. ====================================================================== WEEK 1140, published September 13, 2015 Style Invitational: Give us a bad name — plus this year's winning limericks For Week 1140: Tell us a real brand name that would be terrible for a different product(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers September 10 (Click here to skip down to the results of this year's Limerixicon contest, Week 1136) *Antabuse is a good name for an alcoholism drug but a bad name for a magnifying glass.* (Chris Doyle) *Rolling Rock is a good name for a beer but a bad name for an insurance company.* (Jim Lyons) *The Chrysler Building is a good name for a skyscraper but a bad name for an SUV.* (John Conti) *Wachovia is a good name for a bank but a bad name for a cemetery.* (Michael Cisneros) It's the first repeat — after 11 years — of one of our funniest contests ever. It's clear from the examples above, which all got ink in Week 547, mere weeks after the Empress dispatched the Czar and replaced the boar heads in the throne room with some delightful wall sconces. This week: Cite a REAL brand name, past or present, note its original use, and then say what sort of product, organization, etc., that name would be bad for. The revival of this contest was suggested by Hopelessly Recidivist Loser Jeff Contompasis, who was reminded of it when he noted on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook that "Target sells a house-branded Up & Up pregnancy test, but not condoms." See the winners of the 2004 contest in this week's Style Conversational column at bit.ly/conv1140 . (The Conversational is posted a few hours after the Invite, late Thursday afternoon.) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a notepad with $20 bills depicted on its pages. These are about twice the size of real $20 bills, so they're clearly worth $40 each. Donated by rolling-in-dough Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 21; results published Oct. 18 (online Oct. 15). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1140" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . . GA on our mind: This year's top Limerixicon limericks: *Week 1136* was our 12th annual Limerixicon, in which we aid and abet (or at least one of those things) the grand effort of OEDILF.com to compile limericks featuring all the words in the dictionary. This year's sliver of the alphabet is for words beginning with "ga-"; the addition of these inking entries — selected from close to 1,000 — should push OEDILF's total archive to more than 90,000 limericks. /A note:/ Some of the words below are meant to be read with alternative, often British pronunciations, e.g., re-SPITE rather than RES-pit. They're all listed in the dictionary, though. 4th place On safari when hunting for game* There's a way to avoid public shame. Don't shoot Cecils or Tiggers Or Rovers or Triggers Or anything else with a name. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3rd place Were I asked by a curious guy Where my sexual preferences lie: Am I straight? Am I gay? Well, I guess I would say That I do just enough to get bi. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) 2nd place /and the shell "sculpture" of two owls : / Your Mama won't talk when she's dressed. When clothed, she thinks silence is best. But boy is she garrulous* When completely apparel-less, As a thousand bored johns can attest. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: There's a pill that Big Pharma projects Will make women more eager for sex. (Till it makes men, en masse, Cease to belch and pass gas,* It won't have the desired effects.) (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) Excess GAggage: honorable mentions If you think, "If my*gal* goes on Addyi, When I ask her for sex she'll be gladdyi!" Get a clue. Save the money On pills for your honey And instead spend less time with your caddyi. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Dr. Seuss had the story down pat: A spoiled, unlikable brat Had a gun that she'd stow In her nanny's chapeau: She called it the Gat in the Hat. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) To spores of the plants I've befallen. My eyes itch and water; it's*gallin'.* I'm wheezin' and sneezin' In hay fever season. It's dreadful; Oh, Lord, it's a pollen. (Kirk Miller, Richardson, Tex.) As a gangster,* poor Nicky was lame, Just as dense and as dumb as they came. For example, I hear That he neutered a deer, 'Cause they told him to go "fix the game." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) I don't like my women too thin I want more than just bones and skin If she is so*gaunt* She has nothing to flaunt Then I won't be the yang to her yin. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) The candidates "" gad!* they're a million! Make debates come across as vaudevillian, And you can't help but stare Right at Donald Trump's hair And wish for a topside Brazilian. (Ben Aronin, Washington) Plead for progress? Scalia'll reprove ya With some jurisprudential effluvia, Then, with scowling harrumph And a baleful galumph,* He'll trudge homeward to Antediluvia. (Nan Reiner) /Both Americans and Britons pronounce it "jail," but the Brits spell it "gaol": / If one day you should find yourself gaoled, It is likely because you have faoled To obey certain laws And it's also because You lack bucks with which out to get baoled. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Gallant knight, gallop* off if you must But don't let your lady's lust rust In a chastity belt Round her loins sweet and svelte. No, don't keep her trussed — keep her trust. (Ian Graham, Orp-Jauche, Belgium, a First Offender) Dr. Spooner still garbled* his words, Though insisting, "I'm wetter with birds." At a wedding, this freak Was invited to speak And delivered "a few wasteful turds." (Brian Allgar, Paris) My friend's a gastronomy* geek But my own needs are simple and meek Pâté and champagne Are too fancy. Just plain Peas and hominy's all that I seek. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Just to gaze* every day on Denise And her beauty affords me such peace — (Or it did so before, Till she spotted me, swore, Pulled the blinds shut and phoned the police). (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) If you hear "gardyloo!"* then it's clear: Overhead a big pail will appear. Make your exit a quickie — That garbage is icky! — It's true, man: the yuck will slop here. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Said his lawyer, "I don't mean to cavil; Your defense, though, is going to unravel If you don't stop your chiding Of the judge who's presiding, And deriding the size of his*gavel*." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Without pain, there's no gain, jocks have found, But their reasoning's clearly unsound. Just today, I have eaten Ten eggs, lightly beaten, And painlessly gained a whole pound. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Those mariners ancient were rallyin' To bring treasures home for the tallyin'; With no fear or panic They braved the Atlannic Going 6,000 miles on a*galleon.* (Jeff Loren, Seattle) For flavor I'd heard it's a star fish, So I thought I might try cooking garfish*. But things didn't go right With the cooking that night, And my guests ended up feeling barfish. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) We encountered a*gaggle* of geese While touring with friends down in Nice. They nipped fingers and feet, So we beat our retreat. But at dinner? Three foie gras apiece! (Kathleen Cross, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) As a billionaire tries to provoke And calls foes he's debating "a joke," Two gazillionaires* shelling Out millions are telling The rest: Things go better with Koch. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) The criminal, hooded and bound, Took a flying leap onto the ground. As the*gallows* he fled, It is rumored he said: "Well, there's no point in hanging around." (Beverley Sharp) Regardless if blue or if red, Campaign season fills one with dread. The only respite: All the gaffes,* day and night. Let's just hope they don't mean what they've said. (Parker Caldwell, Chicago, a First Offender) DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP (gag)* DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP (gag) DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP (gag) (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) *And last:* Once among the devoted perusers In The Post, of the scribblings of Losers, With an effort I tore free From a sad*gallimaufry* Of literary-substance-abusers. (Hugh Thirlway) *And even laster: *Would you like some ridiculous swag? Or some dubious chances to brag? By all means, stay awhile! But be warned: At The Style Invitational, all of us gag.* (Nan Reiner) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 14: A contest that gives you 64 ways to lose. See bit.ly/invite1139 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1141, published September 20, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1141: Mess With Our Heads — our 'bank head' contest And the Losers get ink with spicy titles for boring books "I'm not going to use that bidet thing!" Reinterpreting the Washington Post headline "An American Void." (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers September 17 (Click here to skip down to the results of our contest to write spicy titles for boring books) /Real Washington Post headline: / An American Void* /Fake bank head:/ 'No WAY am i sitting on that bidet thing — I'd fall right in,' Omaha tourist declares in Paris* /Post headline: / Trump, Carson top GOP race* /Bank head: / Otherwise, African Americans are bottom GOP race* * *And once again, we invite readers to comically misinterpret what The Washington Post was saying — and not just by writing letters to the editor. This week: Reinterpret (or comment wryly on) a headline appearing in The Post (print or online) Sept. 17-28 by writing a bank head, or subtitle, as in the examples above from last Sunday's Post. In the print paper, you may use an article's main headline, or a significant part of it (for example, everything before or after a colon); the story's bank head; or the jump head, the headline on the story's second page. Online, you may use not only headlines (or significant parts) above an article, but also headlines on the home page and elsewhere that serve as links to the article. And for both, you may use headlines in ads. See the Style Conversational column for further guidelines at bit.ly/conv1141. Well, there's a lot of caffeine in there: Mr. Tea will let it all out as he relaxes inside your cup. This week's second prize. (VAT19.COM) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the Mr. Tea Infuser,* a little man with perforated rubbery pants into which you put some tea, then set him inside the hot tub of your cup until the brown stuff seeps out. Donated by Dave Prevar, who, while he is admittedly a 263-time Loser, swears he does not personally seep into hot tubs. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 28; results published Oct. 18 (online Oct. 15). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1141" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . *A WRINKLE IN TOME: SPICY TITLES FOR BORING BOOKS*: *In Week 1137 we asked you to come up with an exciting-sounding title for a book with less than spicy content. Many amateur publishing shills offered entries along the lines of "Tits and Boobies: Field Guide to Birds"; "Succulent Breasts: 101 Chicken Recipes"; and "Secrets of a Stripper: Tips for Wallpaper Removal." (Titles in quotes below are actual book titles.) 4th place: *Eat All You Want and Still Lose Weight * /"A Simple Guide to Intestinal Parasitic Diseases"/ (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 3rd place: *Call Me Bruce Again * /Small-Town Librarian Mildred Bruce Chronicles the Aftermath of Her Divorce /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the"Loser for Liberty" tote bag from the campaign of Carl Loser for Virginia state Senate:* Unmasking the First Muslim President * /The Hidden Genius of Kemal Ataturk /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial *Stick It to the Man * /"Phlebotomy Handbook: Blood Collection Essentials"/ (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) The fibliography: honorable mentions *Elvis Lives!* /The Big Book of 5-Letter Anagrams / Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Catholic School Hookers * /Home Ec Projects Vol. 2: Crochet a Prayer Shawl /(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Awesome Cleavage * /Principles of Zygotic Cell Division /(Michael Landauer, Bethesda, Md., who last got Invite ink in 2003) *Murder Between the Sheets * /Eradicate Book-Damaging Silverfish and Other Insects/ (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Score on One-Night Stands * /The Ins and Outs of the Bleacher-Rental Business/ (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) ** How to Hustle* /The Comprehensive English Dictionary, Vol. 8-D/ (Jeff Contompasis; Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) *How Kinky Is Too Kinky? * /A Guide to the Perfect Perm/ (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *Viva las Vegas * /Celebrating The 1970s Chevy Subcompact That Everyone Hated / (Ellen Goldlust, Blacksburg, Va., a First Offender) *Spanking Women * /Grade School Nuns Through History/ (Frank Osen) *How to Make Her Ask for More /Successful Therapies for Anorexia/ (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) ** * Screw Your Way to the Top* /A Step-by-Step Guide to Building Your First Tree House/ (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Secretly! Passionately! Lustfully! /The Thesaurus of Adverbs/ (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *The Ultimate Bong* /My Life as a National Cathedral Bell-Ringer/ (Duncan Stevens, Vienna) *Hot Secrets the Kardashians Won't Tell You About Drupal (Laura McGinnis, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) *I Clicked Here and You'll Never Believe What Happened Next! /Learn From My Grammar Mistakes in the !Kung Language and Avoid Major Cultural Misundertandings/ (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Get It On With a German Shepherd* /Rancher Gunther Schäfer Shows You the Right Way to Dress in Lederhosen./ (Michael Daws, Drobak, Norway, a First Offender) *I Lost 100 Pounds 10 Years Ago, and They're Still Gone!* /Scammers: Britain's Continuing Scourge/ (Neal Starkman, Seattle; G.T. Bowman, Falls Church, Va.) ** Young, Hot and Wet* /A Parent's Guide to Everything From Infant Fevers to Potty Training/ (Jon Gearhart) *A Peek Behind Shower Curtains * /The Development of Waterproof Spray Shielding /(Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *Snuff Films*! /How to Remove That Tobacco Residue That Coats Your Mouth/ (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Learn the Ways of the Force* "/Introduction to Physical Science, Rev. Ed."/ (Kevin Dopart) *Drop Acid for Better Health* /The All-New No-Citrus Diet/ (Mark Raffman) *Ghostbuster!* /My Quest to Discover Who Really Wrote Celebrities' Memoirs /(Selma Ellis, Rolling Meadows, Ill., a First Offender) *The Joy of Doggy Style * /50 Cute Outfits/ /for Your Poodle/ (Frank Mann, Washington) *MILF and Me * /My 30 Years as Stenographer for the McMinnville Independent Laparoscopy Foundation/ (Frank Osen) *How an Undocumented Immigrant Nearly Brought Down the Seat of the British Empire: A Lesson for America * /(Previously titled "A Bear Called Paddington") /(Richard Wong, Derwood, Md.) *Camel Toes * /And Other Ways to Know Whether Meat Is Kosher /(Edward Gordon, Austin) *Restraint and Submission * How Not to Get Ink in The Style Invitational (Bill Smith, Reston, Va.) // // Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 21: Our good-name/bad-name contest. See bit.ly/invite1140 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1142, published September 27, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1142: KimKierkegaardashian and other two-faced tweets And speaking of Twitter-worthy: The winning zingy insults about famous people Let KimKierkegaardashian be your inspiration for this week's portmanteau tweet contest. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers September 24 at 12:24 PM (Click here to skip down to the winning zingy insults from Week 1138.) *I. Love this black cami dress. It says: I wander the world without joy, without hope, without pain; I am but the remains of despair.* *II. The self-assured believer is a greater sinner in the eyes of God than the troubled disbeliever. Haha but I still love Ryan Seacrest. *III. Each individual fights for himself, with himself, within himself, in order to free himself before God. I'm gonna be sooo sore tomorrow! — KimKierkegaardashian Lifelong Maryland resident Valerie Holt does her best to impersonate "an california gril." The T-shirt is yours if your portmanteau tweet in Week 1142 finishes in exactly second place. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) The profundities above are among the more than 500 tweets from the account of "KimKierkegaardashian" (@KimKierkegaard ), which since 2012 has offered "the philosophy of Søren Kierkegaard mashed with the tweets and observations of Kim Kardashian," to the delight — or, who knows, enlightenment — of 188,000 followers. Loser Christopher Larsen shared some of the tweets on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook, prompting Devotee Alex Blackwood to suggest this week's contest: Combine two well-known names into a Twitter handle, and write a tweet (no more than 140 characters and spaces) that that portmanteau person might write. You might also include the person's Twitter "bio" of no more than 160 characters, were you to think of something clever and/or funny. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a prize that the Empress discovered this month in a discount store in Anzio, Italy: a screaming-pink T-shirt with the message "i'm an california gril." The five-euro price tag conveys. Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 5; results published Oct. 25 (online Oct. 22). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1142" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Dave Prevar. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *AFFRONT LINES: THE WINNING INSULTS FROM WEEK 1138*: *In Week 1138* we asked for zingy insults about well-known people — modern versions of Dorothy Parker barbs. Dorothy didn't have Twitter to compete with, and if you've heard some of these before, just relax and go out and get some sun under which there's nothing new. 4th place *On John Boehner:* Orange lives matter! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3rd place *On RGIII:* What a lucky dude — he gets paid millions just to sit around and watch football every Sunday. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) 2nd place /and the bikinied-torso salt-and-pepper shakers: / *On Donald Trump:* Little does he know; how popular he is. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial In a nutshell . . . well, that's Donald Trump. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Cutlets: honorable mentions *POLITICAL FIGURES* *On Hillary Clinton:* She's a woman of no-win portents. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *On Bobby Jindal:* The Gulf of Mexico just called and told him it's running out of sharks to jump. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) When Ted Cruz gets an idea, everyone in government stops working to hear it. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *On Obama: The most enthusiastic greeting he's gotten lately was from a salmon . (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) On Republican Party head Reince Priebus:* He lives by the motto "When the world hands you lemmings, lead." (Phil Frankenfeld) I'll say this about Chris Christie:* He can fill an arena. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *On Donald Trump:* His favorite part of the Bible must be Chapter 11. (Kevin Dopart) *Trump* is so generous, he'd give you the shirt right off your own back. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) No one knows the workings of the brain like Dr. Ben Carson.* Which is why I have every confidence he'll figure out a way to restore his sanity. (Frank Mann, Washington) All the Republican candidates: They've stuck so well to their amazing Fact-Free Diet. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) *Donald Trump* makes fiery speeches, lashes out at his enemies and blames immigrants for all the country's problems. I would also add that he has bad hair, but people would accuse me of comparing him to Hitler. (Frank Mann) *On Donald Trump:* He reminds me more and more of Mussolini with hair — Il Ducebag. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *On Jeb Bush:* He's trying to shed the stigma of his name — he's changing it to Nixon. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *On Sarah Palin:* All she knows is what she didn't read in the newspaper. (Robert Schechter) *Arnold Schwarzenegger always kept on top of things — especially the household help. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *Pat Robertson says God is punishing America. Pat, if God really wanted to punish America, you'd be president. (Frank Mann) ** AND THE REST* ** On Bill Cosby:* You gotta love him. (Richard Lempert, Arlington, Va.) *On Keith Richards:* His groupies are always texting him pictures — of their grandchildren. (James Foley, Riverdale, Md., a First Offender) *On Henry Kissinger:* He went after everything full bore (which of course was natural for him). (Mae Scanlan) *On Dan Snyder:* The only thing that gets less protection than his trademarks is his quarterback. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *On Chuck Todd* of "Meet the Press": When Todd talks, people listen. To George Stephanopoulos. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) *On Kanye West:* He's like Donald Trump, only without the filter. (Frank Osen) *On Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar:* For them, it's all about good breeding. If by "good," you mean "a lot of." (Nan Reiner) *On Bryce Harper:* The T-shirt cannon doesn't always reach his upper deck. (Kevin Dopart) *On Tom Brady:* You have to say he's great at managing pressure. (Kevin Dopart) *Tom Brady:* Give the guy a break — every man suffers from shrinkage once in a while. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *On Beverly Hills residents:* Kudos to them for planning for the drought — silicone body parts need much less water than the regular kind. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *Joan Rivers's* tongue was so sharp, her boyfriend thought she was a mohel. (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) There might be no stupid questions, but Barbara Walters sure pushed the envelope. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Kim Davis* thinks of herself as Joan of Arc, but she's actually George Wallace. Only not as cute. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Fifty years later, Bob Dylan* still personifies a generation: DEgeneration. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Colonel Sanders changed the face of America — to fat and jowly. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *On Dorothy Parker:* You could certainly say her comments were pithy — if you had a lisp. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *On the Empress:* She's so generous, sometimes she even gives ink to someone who deserves it. (Tom Witte) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 28: Our "Mess With Our Heads" bank headline contest. See bit.ly/invite1141 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1143, published October 4, 2015 Easy as 1-B-iii: 4 formats x 4 subjects x 4 limitations = this week's ink Plus Style Invitational Week 1143: Ask Backward — our answers, your questions Frank Osen's parody (Format 4) about a fad that is SO over (Subject D) and containing an anagram pair (Limitation ii) is a runner-up this week. We're pretty sure we'll neer have that recipe again. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers October 1 at 10:45 AM (Click here to skip down to this week's new contest: Ask Backwards, Week 1143) REPORT FROM WEEK 1139: *In Week 1139 ,* the Empress invited you to construct your own contest from a mix-and-match menu of four formats, four subjects and four limitations — 64 potential combinations in all. One format was a song parody, and just as with every other parody contest we've ever run, we received a slew of excellent ones — with a surprising amount of duplication given the number of ways you could play: There were two very fine "Shoes, Glorious Shoes" parodies, for the subject of footwear, and three entries rhyming "tonic" and "Blahnik." Mae Scanlan's honorable-mention parody set to "Young at Heart" has the single best line in the contest: "He is cunningly shrewd, and he's stunningly crude"; it refers to . . . you have one guess. See it farther down the page. (Second-best single line, same topic: Dave Silberstein parodied "Everyone's Gone to the Moon" to "Everyone's Drawn to the Loon"; the rest of the song isn't quite as inkable, alas.) Click on the song titles for clips of the melodies. 4th place /Format: song parody; subject: a fad that is SO over; limitation: must contain a word and its anagram (here, "on" and "no"; okay, not much of an anagram . . . /) /(to the chorus of "MacArthur Park" )/ The cupcake store has closed on Third and Park — No more treacly icing flowing now, The craze for high-priced baked goods on the wane. Now I'll just have to toughen Up and eat an oat bran muffin, But perhaps I'll get my pants to fit again. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) "‹Well, he's no Lincoln — but a Cal bobblehead makes a pretty good second prize, especially when accessorized by Loser Nan Reiner with Invite-appropriate signage. (Nan Reiner) 3rd place /Format: song parody; subject: footwear; limitations: must include all 26 letters of the alphabet. (To "Food, Glorious Food"; sung by Nan Reiner ) / Shoes, glorious shoes! Our trendiest tonics. For nixing the blues, just slip on some Blahniks! Life feel like a garbage can? Don't mope with the kvetchers. Ease into some Louboutins or "" some "" Skechers! Choose glorious Choos, Uggs, Magli or Madden. Prime Prada in twos no girl can look bad in. Wine Weitzmans or mint McQueens, no way you can lose! With Shoes "" Michael Kors! Shoes "" Saint Laurent! Shoes "" Kenneth Cole! Shoes "" L. Vuitton! Shoes "" Burberry! Shoes . . . glorious shoes! (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place and the mix-and-match game Dr. Lakra's Mutant Laboratory: /Format: riddle; subject: Trump campaign; limitation: must be short enough to tweet: / Q. What did Trump tell Obama supporters to win them over? A. Orange is the new black. (Steve Honley, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /Format: song parody; subject: Trump campaign; limitation: must contain a word and its anagram (limes/smile):/ (/To"Be Our Guest") / He's obsessed! He's obsessed! "Build a wall," he says. "No jest! There's disorder at the border And I know what's for the best!" "They do rapes! They do crimes! They drink beer with sliced-up limes! And their culture's undesired! Don't believe me? Then you're fired!" "It's a sport to deport The burrito-eating sort; If they're born here, send them back with all the rest!" Do people think he's vile? (Dems cast a knowing smile) 'Cause he's obsessed! He's obsessed! He's obsessed! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Sixty-foursaken: honorable mentions /An observation about the Trump campaign that's short enough for a tweet:/ If Trump gets the nomination, which of those pathetic, ugly losers should he ask to be his running mate? (Frank Mann, Washington) /A riddle about a fad that is so over, and could be a tweet: / Q. How are collectible Beanie Babies like kamikaze pilots? A. Both have low rates of return. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) /Parody about footwear, and contains all 26 letters of the alphabet: / /(To "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" ) /Extreme strain on your legs and feet; The shoes you use abuse you till each calf moos, "Retreat!"* *You trip and fall so much you're covered in bumps,* *But still you're gonna wear pumps.* *Dumb girls just wanna wear pumps. Each quick turn, ankles swell and ache.* *Big bunions and hammertoes, what more can you take?* *You're just a hobbling ditz on two bloody stumps,* *But still you're gonna wear pumps,* *Dumb girls just wanna wear pumps. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) /A tweetable observation about a fad that is so over: / Isn't twerking just like spinning a hula hoop, only without the hula hoop? (Neal Starkman, Seattle) // /A tweetable observation about the new thin Oreos:/ Thin Oreos? I guess "Obese Oreos" didn't test well? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) /A Trump parody containing a word and its anagram (form/from): / /To "Young at Heart" : / He is out of the norm, he's another life form, Mr. Donald Trump; A self-centered guy who is rich as Dubai, That is Donald Trump. He is cunningly shrewd, and he's stunningly crude; A strange sort of dude who with gall is imbued, And people are astounded at the clips and blips That emanate from Mr. Trump's protruding lips. He's as vain as they come; though he's sly he is dumb, Mr. Donald Trump; Condescending, of course, but consider the source; He is Donald Trump. He is sneeringly snide, he is hard to abide, Though he's daily decried, he is here for the ride, And here is the Big Ask: Who has the Big Task? Who can dump him off his rump, The Don — ald — Trump? (Mae Scanlan, Washington) /A tweet-size riddle about thin Oreos AND Trump: / Q. What do Thin Oreos and Trump have in common? A. Without their layers of dough, they're just American whiteness with no taste or value. (Andy Promisel, Fairfax) /An acrostic poem (the first letters of each line spell out a name) about footwear, and containing an anagram pair (now/won): / I*melda and Ferdinand Marcos were brash; *M*ade off with a fortune in Philippine cash. *E*xcessive, her footwear became quite an issue; *L*ed soon to their downfall — but don't grab that tissue! *D*espite their disgrace, now her son's won, pursuin' *A senate career (he was prob'ly a shoe-in). (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) /A tweet-size observation about the new thin Oreos: / Thin Oreos? What's next, Littler Debbies? Krispy Krumbs? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) /A Trump parody with an anagram pair (guns/snug): / /To "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean": / The Donald is winning, say pollsters; His weird popularity grows. Right-wingers, guns snug in their holsters, Proclaim him the cure for their woes. Take back this quack, Oh, bring back some sanity to the scene, Or we might see A President Trump in '16. (Mae Scanlan) /Parody about a fad that is SO over, containing all 26 letters: (To "Hallelujah" )/ Well, I'd heard the quick explosive roar At soccer games when the players score, And I'd been to many raucous World Cup galas. But I never heard a noise so loud As when I joined a Cape Town crowd Of fifty thousand fans with vuvuzelas. Vuvuzelas, vuvuzelas "¦ (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) /Parody about a fad that is SO over, with an anagram pair (cause/sauce): (To "Bye Bye Birdie"; sung by Nan Reiner )/ Bye-bye, baseball. We've had our summer fling. Second-place ball just is not our thing. Call us "brutal" if we depart our seats, But it's futile watching your defeats. The Nats were all the rage, as daily you'd succeed, But now we've turned the page, 'cause you've blown every lead! Our romance is a sauce that's been congealed. (How're our chances out at FedEx Field?) (Nan Reiner) /One more Trump parody with an anagram pair (keep/peek):/ /(To "Paper Doll" )/ "I'm gonna build a big high wall to keep the bad guys out Between the U.S.A. and Mexico; And then the rapists and the thugs, with their babies and their drugs, Will have to find another place to go. When they come to the border I'll be waiting; Just wait and see how I the tide will stem. My wall will be so thick that they can't even sneak a peek, And that way we won't have to deal with them." (Mae Scanlan) And this week's new contest: . . Week 1143: Ask Backwards *A VW gas pedal Bei Bei's daily schedule A platypus, a sourpuss, and pus Somewhere over the rainbow An icicle, a testicle and a listicle * Duck, Duck, Moose 15 GB 2028 C.E. A swarm of fruit flies Shaquille O'Rabinowitz The Gossamer-Man Triathlon #LoserPower Poutine on the Ritz L'Oreal and Hardy 19 Ids and Counting* Ask away! It's one of our most enduring contests, dating back to Week 21 in 1993, and repeated more than 30 times since: Above are 15 answers, separated by asterisks. You supply the questions.* Write the answer first, followed by your question. If you have several entries for a single category, please precede each one with the answer, so the Empress won't miss it when she wields her imperial Search button. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a bobblehead, too! It's a genuine Washington Nationals bobbler of Calvin Coolidge , the team's newest presidential mascot. Loser Nan Reiner snagged it for us at Nats Park just last week, and then took it home and embellished it with a little sign that says, "You Lose." Which is eminently fitting on two levels: Not only is "Congratulations — you lose" the Empress's traditional compliment to ink-getters, but it also harks back to a famous Coolidge anecdote, which the unstoppable force that is Nan explained in a limerick: "Silent Calvin" did not care to schmooze. Spoke, at most, words in ones or in twos. When a gal bet that he Might bestow on her three, She was met with this answer: "You lose." *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Oct 12 (what, you wanted off for Columbus Day?); results published Nov. 1 (online Oct. 29). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1143" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The "Easy as 1-B-iii:" headline for this week's results is by Danielle Nowlin; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Nan Reiner. The last three Ask Backwards answers are Chris Doyle's. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / ^ The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column,published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 5: Our contest for tweets from a "hybrid" person. See bit.ly/invite1142 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1144, published October 11, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1144: You gave us a bad name! Now give us a better one. Some entries in the contest for bad product names were actually pretty good. It gave us an idea. If you lose this week's contest by thissss much, you can take your frustrations out on the second-place prize. (Bob Staake's cartoon will be back next week.) (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) By Pat Myers October 8 (Click here to skip down to this week's results.) *Goo Goo Cluster is a good name for a candy and an even better one for a baby play group.* (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *Dish Network is an okay name for a satellite TV system, but it's a better one for an escort service. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) Speaking of, uh, inauspicious names: We just had to send one of our Loser mugs to Carl R. Loser, a candidate for Virginia state Senate. And we love that shirt! (His name rhymes with "poser.") (Courtesy of Carl Loser) *Invisible Fence is a descriptive name for a electronic pet barrier, but it would be a great name for an Internet pawnshop.* (Todd DeLap, Fairfax) **Within hours after I posted the Week 1140 contest four weeks ago — the contest whose results run today — people started writing in: You've just asked us to think of some brand name, and say what product, organization, etc., that name would be /bad/ for. Can we also send names that would be /better/ for something else? Wait four weeks, I advised. Some Losers didn't, but anyway: This week: Name a real brand, along with something else it would be a better name for,* as in the examples above, which the Empress pulled out of the Week 1140s. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a hand-size rubber chicken that "lays an egg" when you squeeze it. Actually, it extrudes a bubble filled with something that kind of looks like raw egg white, plus a yellow ball "yolk"; when you unsqueeze the chicken, it unlays the egg and the bubble goes back in. Hmm, aseller on Amazon describes these things as "educational toys that help children learn." Learn what — that the chicken came first, then the egg, and then the egg changed its mind? Donated eons ago by Loser Marleen May. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 19; results published Nov. 8 (online Nov. 5). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1144" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Shirley. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / ^ The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from the Style Invitational contest published four weeks ago . . . *BRAND ICKS: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1140: In Week 1140* we repeated a 2004 contest in which we asked you to name a real brand and pair it with a product or other entity that that brand name would be /bad/ for. Even though we begged you to look at the Week 547 results so you wouldn't send in the same answers again, the Empress received umpteen and a half entries — amid a total of some 2,000 — suggesting that Microsoft would be a bad name for an ED drug, gigolo, etc., and IBM a bad name for a laxative. There were also dozens of clever other ideas that didn't get individual ink because they were offered by too many Losers: Sanka as a cruise ship; Planters for a funeral home; Jack in the Box for a mortuary; Sears for a tanning salon; iPad for an accountant. Some of the names submitted — including at least one of the examples for this week's contest — were called bad names but were actually pretty good ones. It's a fine line sometimes. If you entered Week 1140 and think one of your non-inking entries might fit the new contest, sure, send it again. 4th place: *One-a-Day* is a good name for a vitamin, but not for toilet paper. (Kristin Rahman, Silver Spring) 3rd place: *Dum Dum Pops* are a good name for candy but a bad name for a sperm bank. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) 2nd place and the notepad depicting $20 bills: *Bumble Bee* is an okay name for tuna, but a much too accurate one for a presidential debate. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Facebook* is a good name for a social network, but a bad name for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Brand muffin': Honorable mentions *Joe's Crab Shack* is a good name for a restaurant but a bad name for a hotel. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.) *Quaker State* is a good name for motor oil but a bad name for the California Board of Tourism. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Tyson Foods* is a good name for a poultry company but a bad name for a vendor of boxing memorabilia. (Kevin Jamison, Gaithersburg, Md.) *50 Shades of Grey is a good name for a porn novel but a bad name for a salad bar. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *In-N-Out Burger* is an okay name for a restaurant, but not for a bulimia treatment center. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) *Mr. Tire* is a good name for a car service center but a bad name for an energy drink. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) ** Sorry* is a good name for a board game but a bad name for an insurance company. (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) *Beanie Babies* is a good name for stuffed animals, but a bad name for a Jewish preschool. (Edward Gordon, Austin) *Canon* is a good name for a camera, but a bad name for a camera brought to school by a Muslim teen in Texas (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) "‹ *Dr Pepper* may be a good name for a soda, but it's a bad name for eyedrops. (Miles Borrego, Germantown, Md., a First Offender)"‹ *Five Guys* is a good name for a burger joint but a bad name for an online dating site (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) *Golden Corral* is a good name for a buffet restaurant but a bad name for an assisted-living facility. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) "‹ *Rite Aid* is a good name for a pharmacy, but not an editing service. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) "‹ *Trump* is a good name for a place full of slot machines, but you might want to avoid it in a place full of voting machines. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *The Sorbonne:* Great name for a university, bad name for a bicycle seat. (Anne Hodgkinson, Utrecht, the Netherlands) *Janitor in a Drum* is a good name for a household cleaner but a bad name for an immigrant-smuggling company. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) *5-Hour Energy* is a good name for a caffeine drink but a bad name for an electric company. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.; Kristen Rahman) *Turkey Hill is a good name for ice cream, a bad name for the U.S. Capitol. (Dudley Thompson) "‹ *AAA* is a good name for an automobile association, but a bad name for a breast augmentation clinic. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) *Apple Watch* is a matter-of-fact name for Apple's watch, but a bad name for a still-life art class. (Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring, Md.) "‹ *Bazooka Joe* is a good name for bubble gum but a bad name for an anti-flatulence pill. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Cracker Barrel* is a good name for a restaurant but a bad name for a shipping company. (Cameron DeLap, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) *Falstaff* is s good name for a beer but a bad name for an ED medication. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Purell* is a good name for a hand sanitizer but a bad (if accurate) one for a British airport. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) *Super Soaker* is a good name for a water gun but a bad name for a mortgage company. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) ** Grecian Formula* is a good name for hair dye but a bad name for a investment firm. (Kristan Rahman) When you think about it, CBS* is a terrible name for a TV network, (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) It's a good idea to put "Trump"* on a hotel, casino, golf course, or luxury apartment building, but probably a bad idea to put Trump on a red telephone. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *E-ZPass* is a good name for an electronic toll-collection system, but not a good name for a university. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Wonderbra* is a good name for a brassiere but a bad name for a German translation service. (Frank Osen) *Fudge Shoppe is a good name for a cookie company but a bad name for an accounting firm. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Old Spice is a good name for a deodorant but a bad name for Victoria Beckham's new fashion line. (Nathanael Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass., a First Offender; Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Mount Rushmore is a good name for a monument but a bad name for a male performance drug. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Sheetrock is a good name for drywall but a bad name for fabric softener. (Larry Gray) *Ocean Spray is a good name for cranberry juice but a bad name for a wound cleanser. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) *National Lampoon* is a good name for a humor magazine, but a bad name for a magazine about American sheep farming. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) Crunch Berries is a good name for a cereal but not for a jockstrap. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 12: Our Ask Back-wards contest, in which we give 15 answers and you write the questions. See bit.ly/invite1143. ====================================================================== WEEK 1145, published October 18, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1145: It's a DICEy situation — Tour de Fours XII Our annual neologism contest, plus the winning reinterpreted headlines Bob Staake came up with "paracomedic": Can you make up a term that includes the E-D-I-C block, in any order? (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers October 15 (Click here to skip down to the results of our Mess With Our Heads bank headline contest. ) Paracom*edic*: an EMT who performs stand-up while you lie down in the ambulance. *Ice-d*amsel: The person in distress if you try to "rescue" this princess is you. This week's second prize, the Mr. Tea Infuser, so appropriately goes to Rob Wolf's Bush-watering joke. (VAT19.COM) Pasturep*edic*: A mattress that brings the freshness of the outdoors into your bedroom (antihistamine available separately). Pund*ecid*ed: Should we go with 'Surfin' DOA' or 'No Vibrations' for the obituary headline? This year's Tour de Fours neologism contest uses two letters never used in the preceding 11 Tours: C and D. But the game's the same: Coin a word or multi-word term that contains the letter block D-I-C-E,* and describe it, as in the examples above; the letters may be in any order, but there may be no other letters between them. Feel free to use it in a funny sentence. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives "The Art of the Bonsai Potato," consisting of a little plastic stand on which you place a real potato, whose sprouts you trim with serene concentration as if they're hundred-year old pine twigs. "Zen — without the wait," it cheerfully promises. Mini-tools and "hilarious 32-page book" included. Donated by longtime Loser Christina Courtney. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either "The Wit Hit the Fan" or "Hardly Har-Har." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 26; results published Nov. 15 (online Nov. 12). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1145" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *QUIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES:**REPORT FROM WEEK 1141* Week 1141 was our perennial Mess With Our Heads contest, in which you chose a real headline from that week's Post and wrote a bank head, or subtitle, that either misinterprets the original head or comments wryly on it. Great results, as always. 4th place: *How first lady can avoid a dress flap Aides suggest she drop designer Dr. Denton (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: *A no-brainer on Syria* Palin weighs in on Mideast conflict (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place and the Mr. Tea Infuser: *Bush's unfamiliar position: underdog* Transplanted azalea withers from warm, yellow watering (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Amid pomp and circumstance, a shepherd tends his flock* 'Quit playing FarmVille on your phone — they're about to call you up for your diploma!' friend mutters to classmate (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Bank reserves: honorable mentions *Ben Carson says a Muslim shouldn't be president And Muslims say Ben Carson shouldn't be president (Neal Starkman, Seattle; Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) *Stocks close down on growth concerns* Colonial Williamsburg removes replicas because 'fat tourists keep getting their arms caught' (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Tortorella to coach U.S. squad in Cup* Embarrassed players wish he would put more clothes on (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *The beginning of Trump's end?* That would be right on top of his neck (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Israeli supermodel wanted a no-fly zone for her wedding* All male guests had to wear yoga pants, kilts (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) *Carly Fiorina subdued in victory lap after debate* Police allege "she looked black" (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) *'I've tried three wheels before, but not two. I'm a little nervous.' *Brie addict struggles to reduce daily cheese consumption (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Candidates on both sides bashing China* Senate Dining Room spat between Sanders, Cruz turns into plate-throwing brawl (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *When dating in your 40s, is it better to be divorced or never married? Experts agree that, yes, married people shouldn't be dating (Christopher Thorpe, San Francisco) *Culture of reprisals against whistleblowers* Disgruntled fans routinely toss stuff at refs (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *At debate, many candidates spell out their strategy on Iran* 'B-O-M-B' (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Washington Post honored at food journalist conference* Paper edges Times of London in coveted Fish & Chip Wrapping category (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *Md. man 'touched everyone's hearts' Out-of-control surgeon performed unwanted, invasive procedures (Rebekah Bundang, Vienna, Va., a First Offender) *Groupon to shed 1,100 jobs* Company-wide e-mail titled '10% off!' wasn't best way to break the news, execs say (Brendan Beary) *White House picks florist 'Ha, now you know how we feel,' say Rose Garden inhabitants (Danielle Nowlin) *Doesn't get any easier for Virginia* Tyke to be told there is no Easter Bunny (Mark Raffman) *Metro nears new deal to keep cellphone users connected Riders will be able to call the office to say they're stuck on the Red Line again (Brendan Beary) *GOP hopefuls spell dread for federal employees* Only 3 forgot to include the silent A (Neal Starkman) *How to make 2016 the year of the tomato* Trump urges GOP to recruit women candidates with 'huge personas' (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Copper returns as an agent in the battle against resilient bacteria* Officer McGruff says: 'Take a bite out of grime' (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *A look ahead at Wednesday's Mass* After Tuesday's banquet, Christie predicts 5-lb. gain (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) *Amazon announces new $50 tablet* 'Amateurs,' scoffs pill-gouger Martin Shkreli (Brendan Beary) *Another disappointing transportation meeting Metro seatmate turns out not to be soul mate for 7,653rd consecutive morning (Danielle Nowlin) ** Name the panda Elvis* CIA reveals Bin Laden's cryptic last words (Frank Osen) *Number of uninsured fell steeply last year* Owner of free Novocain clinic lost control on double-diamond ski slope (Gary Crockett) O*bama is now letting U.S. telecom carriers go to Cuba Country told to expect installer between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. next Tuesday (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *On Lesbos, endless waves of boats and fears of a more treacherous voyage* U.S. government slow to aid because senators cannot say 'Lesbos' without giggling (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *Overdue praise for the line* Classic 'Would you like to come up and see my etchings?' gets new life in tat age (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Papal visit to Washington will start in summer, end in fall Psychics agree that pontiff's first Segway outing won't fare well (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) *Pope meets with Fidel Castro, urges Cubans to 'serve people,' not ideas* 'Soylent Verde' policy unveiled (Bird Waring) *To minimize lumber damage, quickly get rid of water* Infections from chronically full bladders can spread to nearby parts (Jeff Contompasis) *Too much time behind bars* Ted Danson regrets early TV career (Mark Raffman) *Waiting hours and hours for a joyous few seconds* 'Dinner and a movie' retains its romantic utility (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) *With today's offenses, reaching triple digits doesn't look quite as impossible* Irritated Beltway drivers growing extra middle fingers to adapt (Danielle Nowlin) *First commute goes well at Silver Spring Transit Center* 'Tomorrow we'll try a second passenger,' officials vow (Duncan Stevens) *Get ready for three-on-three* 'Man-man-woman marrying man-man-dog is next,' Santorum warns (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *U.S. sees opportunity for military gains against ISIS in Syria* Wishes everyone luck with that, changes channel (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria, Va.) *Still running: Deadline Monday night, Oct. 19: Our contest to give a brand name a better use. See bit.ly/invite1144 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1146, published October 25, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1146: Stick it to us with an idea for a new Loser magnet And the winning tweets from @JFKanye West and other hybrid names from Week 1142 Honorable-mention magnets from 2014-15 and 2011-12. It's time to do a set for 2016. (The magnets can also be horizontal.) (Designed by Bob Staake for The Washington Post; slogans by Barbara Turner (left) and Tom Witte.) By Pat Myers October 22 (Click here to skip down to the results of our "hybrid tweet" contest) Ever since 2004, when we stopped sending out bumper stickers, the Empress has been awarding each Style Invitational honorable-mention winner a Lusted-After Loser Magnet, created by the unmentionable Bob Staake and featuring a contest-winning slogan. Every year or so, we print two new designs, 500 copies each — so they really are limited-edition artworks. And now that we're low on the 2015 models — "Hardly Har-Har" and "The Wit Hit the Fan" — tell us what to put on our next pair of magnets. This is the first time we've asked you since 2012; we've been using runner-up entries since then. Over the years, the slogans have taken several tacks: (a) the idea of being not quite good enough to win ("Middle-Wit Champion" ; "Honor Among Dweebs" ); (b) the idea of being bad ("Discredit Card" ; "Po' Wit Laureate" ) (c) a fairly positive sentiment ("Puns of Steel" ); and (4) a joke about the Invite in general ("Sunday Drivel" ). Surely you don't want to attend Thanksgiving dinner without proper headwear: Style and Metro art director Susana Sanchez-Young poses gamely in this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *This week: Suggest a new Style Invitational honorable-mention magnet* to be drawn by Bob. You can include just the text and Bob will illustrate, or suggest a visual idea as well — in fact, Bob exhorted me to remind you: "Think visually!" But remember: The magnet is only the size of a business card* (2 by 3.5 inches), and it needs to say "The Style Invitational," "The Washington Post," "Honorable Mention" and "2016" — so you can't also show a complicated cartoon and/or a long sentence. See this week's Style Conversational (bit.ly/conv1146 ) for all the slogans so far. You may resubmit your own idea from any of our previous prize-slogan contests. Winner gets — along with the magnet with the winning slogan — the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets the other magnet we'll be using, plus — just in time for Thanksgiving dinner — this fabulous pumpkin pie hat, modeled here by Style graphic designer Susana Sanchez-Young (Empress: "Would you like to have your picture in the paper with a pie slice on your head?" Susie: "Do I have time to put on some lipstick?"). *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get, yes, a magnet, probably the last of the current batch. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 3; results published Nov. 15 (online Nov. 12). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1146" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Jeff Shirley and Danielle Nowlin. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *Social neTWOrking: Report from Week 1142*: In Week 1142, inspired by the tweets of KimKierkegaardashian , we asked you to combine two names into a Twitter handle, and write a tweet or "bio" by the hybrid person: 4th place *@Lao-Tzuperman:* A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single bound. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3rd place *@JFKanye:* Ask not what your country can do for you — ask what /you/ can do for you. (Or for me.)" (Lela Martin, Midlothian, Va.) 2nd place and the "I'm an california gril" T-shirt: *@Trumpelstiltskin:* Of course the bimbo knew my name — everybody knows my name! And I never wanted her firstborn. Ugliest kid I ever saw. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial *@OrangeJulius:* Could be well mov'd: My friends in the House are sticking knives into me. #IdesOfSeptember (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Tweetin' Low: honorable mentions *@BieberOfSeville:* Look at Me. . . Look at Me. . . LookatMeLookatMeLookatMeLookatMe . . . LOOK AT ME! (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *@RonaldonaldReagantrump:* Mr. Obama, put up that wall! (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *@Trumpelstiltskin:*I can spin this straw poll into gold. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *@Santorumplestiltskin:* Do you even know what my name means? No, wait . . . . Don't Google it! (Jamie Martindale, McLean, Va.) *@BelaLuGehrig:* Today I consider myself the suckiest man on the face of this earth. (Gary Crockett) *@GenPaulMacArthurny: I shall go back! Go back! Go back to where I once belonged! (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) *@RalphWaldoLauren:* Nature always wears the colors of the spirit. Thinking of new tanning product line, silver/turquoise packaging. Classic. (Pat Tompkins, San Mateo, Calif., a First Offender) @*JohnLewistler'sMother: Fought all my life for civil rights, but in that painting I'm a prime example of profiling. #grayandblacklivesmatter (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *@MrBillcelMarceau:* : o (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) *@KeanuReevevere:* The British are coming! Whoa. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) *@JayLenOmar Khayyam:* The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on. Well, it writ me smack out of late night, and I haven't moved on yet. (Mae Scanlan) *@FScottFitzGeraldFord:* So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the — oops! Man overboard! (Mark Raffman, Reston) *@HennyJungman:* Take my wife . . . as an example of an overdeveloped superego! (Doug Frank) *@YogiBerraGrylls:* When you come to a fork in the road, pick it up, sharpen the tines, lash it to a stick, and use it to hunt small reptiles for food. (Ben Aronin, Washington) *@SwedishChefferson:* Yers der tree øf libjörtie müst be refrüshed vrom time der time vit de blüd øf patriørts und tyrants. Børk! Børk! Børk! (Davd Friedman) *@StevieWonderWoman:* It's true — I have an invisible airplane. Invisible to me anyway. (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.) *@SecretariatHRClinton: So I'm supposed to just keep running to the left? (Mark Spencer, Waldorf, Md., a First Offender) *@RobertTheBruceLee:* Kicking the English out of Scotland. Literally. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *@RobertFrostyTheSnowman:* Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. All I know is that if this hat goes, I'm a puddle. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *@RaspuTaylorSwiftin:* Stabbers gonna stab stab stab stab stab. But I shake it off, I shake it off. (Sandy Moran, Santa Rosa, Calif.) *@OliviaNewtonJean-LucPicard:* I hate Q, I honestly hate Q. Yar, the one that I want. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *@JimmyJacobBuffett:* I dreamed a ladder was set upon the beach, reaching up to paradise and at the top, behold: a cheeseburger. Wow. Blew out my flip-flop. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *@JackLordByron: She walks in beauty like the night. Book 'er, Danno. Solicitation. (Gary Crockett) *@Hillary Clinton Portis:* Don't worry, fans — I'm still running and running and running for Washington! (Jamie Martindale) *@HerodTheGreatPumpkin:* This Halloween, I shall rise from the most sincere patch, seek the world's good children, and slaughter them. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *@GeorgeR.R.MartinLutherKing:* I have a dream today, and I will tell you the next part of it in five or six years. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *@DonMcLenaDunham:* And I knew if I had my chance / That I could go take off my pants / And maybe HBO'd be happy for a while (Rivka Riss-Levinson, Washington, a First Offender) *@DeepakGrouchopra:* I find meditation diverting — whenever someone starts to meditate, I go in the other room and smoke a cigar. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *@CharlesDa'IrwinCrocHunter: Crikey! This magnificent creature appears to be the predecessor of several other species! Cranky little bugger, though. (David Friedman) *@CarlyFioSimon:* I'm so vain, I probably think I saved HP. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *@CaptKirkCousins:* If Scotty would beam me up about a foot, those @#$%&* linebackers couldn't tip my passes. (Dick Barnes, Washington) *@BryceHarperLee:* Shoot all the Blue Jays you want, if you can hit 'em, but remember it's a sin to choke a National. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *BritneyShakeSpears (@Oops):* At which hour lest I not be with thee I lose mine mind. Giveth unto me a sign. Hit mine own self baby again but once. (Kevin Dopart) *@AnneFrankGehry:* In spite of everything, I still believe that people would rather live in functionless forms that don't belong in their surroundings. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *@EmmaLazarump: Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free — I'll make them pay for the wall I'll build to keep them out. (Gary Crockett) *@EmmaLazaRushLimbaugh:* We don't want your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning for free stuff. (Chris Doyle) *@TrumptyDumpty:* Trust me, I know about walls. #LetsPutAmericaTogetherAgain (Jesse Frankovich) *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our annual Tour de Fours neologism contest. See bit.ly/invite1145 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1147, published November 1, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1147: It's E-Z find-a-word — your own Our 2nd annual word-grid neologism contest; plus the Ask Backwards winners The word grid for Week 1147. Not that it matters, but you can see the 18 randomly generated words used to form the grid in The Style Conversational at bit.ly/conv1147. (GRID CONSTRUCTED WITH THE INSTANT ONLINE WORD SEARCH MAKER AT PUZZLE-MAKER.COM) By Pat Myers October 29 at 11:35 AM (Click here to skip down to the "Ask Backwards" results of Week 1143) *J-12: BORMENTS: The trials of "listening" patiently to a jabbering acquaintance. ". . . Well, she's not actually my real aunt, but I call her Aunt Marge anyway. And anyway . . ." *N-4: WHIRK: The ceaseless job of helicopter parents.* ** We're back with a contest we debuted last year, one that attracted lots of entries — most of them by people who seemed to understand what we were asking for. No, no, it's not a word-find puzzle. Well, it is, I guess, in that you get to find your own new words. And there are a zillion of them waiting to be found, given our super-easy rules. This week: Create a word or multi-word term that consists of adjacent letters — in any direction or several directions — in the grid above, and provide a humorous definition,* as in the examples above. You may also give an especially clever definition for an existing term you find. And you may use the word in a sentence, if that makes your entry funnier. (If you're having trouble printing out the grid above, print it from here .) *IMPORTANT:* Because the Empress is already bonkers enough without having to search for your precious word through a 361-letter grid,*you must state the coordinates of the first letter of your term (e.g., C-12);* the E can trace it from there. Note that you may snake your word around the grid; just don't skip letters or use the same spot on the grid twice. But if you don't give me those coordinates, I'm going to skip your word. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine antique, and a really cool one: Dated 1915, and clearly original, it's a 12-volume set of booklets comprising"Household Engineering," a correspondence course from the American School of Home Economics, and aiming to bring those modern ideas of workplace efficiency to the home. Part I is about kitchen design; it does mention the "refrigerator," but that was simply an insulated chest with an ice compartment. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either the last of our current models, "The Wit Hit the Fan" and "Hardly Har-Har," or one of the winners of Week 1146 . First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 9; results published Nov. 29 (online Nov. 25). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1147" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Brendan Beary. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ;/ "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . . SHOOT FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER: THE 'ASK BACKWARDS' WINNERS OF WEEK 1143 In Week 1143, our perennial Ask Backwards contest, the Empress listed 15 odd phrases and asked you to write questions that those phrases could answer. This week's best entries came from 11 of those categories. For "L'Oreal and Hardy," too many people asked who had created a line of long-lasting slapstick (or slipstick). 4th place: *A. Bei Bei's daily schedule*. Q. What is "Eat. Sleep. Act cute. Gather information for Chinese masters"? (Neal Starkman, Seattle) 3rd place: *A. Somewhere over the rainbow.* Q. Where does Kim Davis think Hell is located? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.; Sam Aaron, Atlanta) 2nd place and the Nationals' Calvin Coolidge bobblehead: *A. Shaquille O'Rabinowitz. Q. What Israelite routinely passed clean over Jordan? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *A. A platypus, a sourpuss, and pus.* Q. What are three things you don't want to run into Down Under? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Half-asked efforts: honorable mentions *A SWARM OF FRUIT FLIES * What's an anagram of "awful if it's from arse"? (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) What lets you know that rather than being happy to see you, someone has a banana in his pocket? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) What movie cliche happens in nearly every car chase on city streets? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) What happens when Dan Snyder steps out in front of D.C. football fans? (Greg Pearson, Arlington, Va.) *THE GOSSAMER-MAN TRIATHLON* What event was canceled when all the participants collapsed under the weight of their number bibs? (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) What is the final event of the Mr. Punyverse competition? (Jeff Contompasis) What consists of the 3-meter wade, the 10-foot stroll and the 2-minute kickstand lift? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) *AN ICICLE, A TESTICLE AND A LISTICLE* What is "The Top 2 Reasons You Shouldn't Clean Gutters in the Winter"? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) What do you get when you Google "10 things you find in back of a sled dog"? (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) What are suggested by "1 below," "two below" and "10 . . . below"? (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *SHAQUILLE O'RABINOWITZ Who was the first player inducted into the NBA Challah Fame? (Chris Doyle) Who said, "Free throws, I can't do — but I can get them for you wholesale"? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Who is a member of the NBA, the IRA and the ABA? (Tom Witte) *POUTINE ON THE RITZ* If Russia's leader leader bathed in brown gravy, rolled in a tub of cheese curds, and sat on a cracker, what would some people mistakenly call the combination? (Mark Raffman) What dish from Quebec is locally known as /Crappe sur la craquer?/ (Barry Koch) *SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW *Where did Dorothy and Glinda get married? (Evelyn Voorhees, Worthington, Mass., a First Offender) Where doesRoy G. Biv live? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) Since immigrants are bad, where did The Donald's string of foreign supermodel wives and mistresses come from? (Kevin Dopart) *A PLATYPUS, A SOURPUSS, AND PUS* In Australia, what are three things that taste better than Vegemite? (Mark Raffman) Who's right ahead of Rand Paul in the polls? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *2028 C.E.* What is currently displayed on the "next train" sign above the platform at Metro's Dulles Airport Station? (Jeff Contompasis, still waiting in nearby Ashburn, Va.) When will Chelsea Clinton and Jenna Bush square off in a presidential election whose central issue will be "getting the truth about Benghazi"? (Mark Raffman) What is the year we still don't land an astronaut on Mars? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) According to President Obama's orders to the Secret Service, when will Malia and Sasha be allowed to go on unsupervised dates? (Kevin Dopart) *A VW GAS PEDAL *What is another name for a lie detector? (Steve Honley, Washington) What is the second-fastest way to drive VW into a brick wall? (Dudley Thompson) What part of a Beetle sticks when you squash it with your shoe? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) What's sure to become known as part of a "de-feet device"? (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.; Ben Aronin, Washington) What is connected to a Rabbit, a Bug and a Crematorium? (Stephen Dudzik) *15 GB *How much space in the Empress's e-mail box is taken up with unprintable Holocaust jokes for "A VW gas pedal"? (Greg Pearson) How much space is left on a 15.0000001 GB drive when you load in all of the GOP candidates' policy ideas? (Duncan Stevens) From 0 to 20, where does Donald Trump's Mexico wall proposal rate on the Glenn Beck scale? (Bird Waring) How long did it take Mr. Giga to eat his steak? (Sam Gwynn, Beaumont, Tex.) Can you tell Mr. Shaw here how many times you've read "Pygmalion"? (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.) ** BEI BEI'S DAILY SCHEDULE* What lists more accomplishments than the Congressional Record? (Todd DeLap, Fairfax) What, if interrupted by gunfire, might prompt a serious debate about gun control in this country? (Mark Raffman) /** / //Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest for ideas for two new Loser magnets for honorable mentions. See bit.ly/invite1146 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1148, published November 8, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1148: 5 lines, 31 syllables and a rhyme: It's TankaWanka II Plus Def Jam earwax remover and other repurposed brand names from Week 1144 If nothing else, Donald Trump has served well as a poetic muse for The Style Invitational. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 5 (Click here to skip down to the results of the contest for repurposed brand names.) *The Donald should have A far more fitting nickname.* . Like J. Lo's slick name, It should right out at you jump! Hey, then: How about T. Rump? Last fall we introduced a brand-new form of poetry — or at least we declared it so in Week 1095, since that was easier than getting complaints that we didn't do the old form correctly. Whatever, it's a variation on the ancient Japanese poetry called tanka, which are, roughly, 31-syllable poems in five lines; they begin with 5-7-5, as haiku do, then have two more lines of seven syllables each. However, notes Wikipedia, "traditionally tanka had no concept of rhyme." And traditionally The Style Invitational has a big fat concept of rhyme. We like it. Hence the TankaWanka. This week:*Write a TankaWanka about something that's been in the news lately. The poem must consist of five lines of 5, 7, 5, 7 and 7 syllables in that order. And it must include at least one rhyme,* as in the example above by Willy Wanka, a.k.a. Gene Weingarten, who threw in a second rhyme at no extra charge. You may add a title, perhaps quoting a headline of a news item, if it helps the reader what you're talking about. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets an Ecumenically Insulting Two-Pack: First, just in time for Hanukkah, a T-shirt depicting a man in Hasidic garb striking a martial-arts pose: It's labeled "Jewjitsu." Brought back from /Israel/ by Loser Mike Gips, who decided not to wear it to High Holy Days services. And also, just in time for Advent, a bag of Scripture Candy, jellybeans that on the package are labeled "sin" (the black ones), "Jesus' blood" (red), "clean" (white) and more. Plus "The Jelly Bean Prayer." We like it because it rhymes. Donated by Style Invitational Devotee Daphne Steinberg. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake, probably one of the new pair that will be announced with the results of Week 1146. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 16; results published Dec. 6 (online Dec. 3). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1148" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jon Gearhart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday,/ and follow the Empress on Twitter at @StyleInvite . *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *VENDOR BENDERS: THE REPURPOSED BRAND NAMES OF WEEK 1144* In Week 1140, we asked which brand names would be bad choices for another product. The winners included One-a-Day toilet paper, a Dum Dum Pops sperm bank, the Bumble Bee presidential debates, and Facebook as a title for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Then in Week 1144, we spun it around and asked which names would be /better /for something else. 4th place: *Duncan Hines is an okay name for a cake mix, but it would make a great name for baby bubble bath. (Laurie Morrison, Rockville, Md.; Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) 3rd place: *Fanta* is a good name for a soft drink but a better name for a sea island. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) 2nd place and the squeezable "egg-laying" rubber chicken: *Pop Rocks is a fine name for a candy but is fantastic for Bernie's new campaign slogan. (Janice Haas, Bethesda, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *VCU* is a good name for a university but a better name for a Russian surveillance agency. (Frank Mann, Washington) I can't believe it's not better: honorable mentions *Fox News* is fine for a TV network but a better name for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) *Hanover* is a good name for an insurance company and a better name for a collection agency. (Frank Mann) *The Who was a great name for a rock band but an even better name for the GOP "undercard" debates. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) *Cialis* is a good name for an ED remedy but an even better name for a looking-glass manufacturer. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Brach's* is a good name for a candymaker but a better name for bird food: "Parrots ask for it by name." (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *20th Century Fox* is a good name for a movie studio but a better name for a seniors' escort service. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *AMF is a good name for a bowling company, and it perfectly describes your ex. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) *Ball Park* is a good name for a hot dog, but it's a better name for an athletic supporter. (Jeff Covel, Arlington, Va.) *Bed, Bath and Beyond* is an okay name for a home goods store but would be a better name for an upscale brothel. (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) *Blue Moon* is a good name for a beer but an even better name for a car seat with built-in AC. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) ** Browning Arms* is a good name for a gun manufacturer but a better one for a group proctology practice. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Cargill* is fine for an agricultural company, better for an amphibious vehicle. (Margaret Welsh, Oakton, Va.; David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) *Chap Stick is a good name for lip balm, a better name for a British walking cane. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Citgo* is a good name for an oil company but an even better name for a dog trainer. (David Komornik, Danville, Va.) *Continental* is a good name for an airline but a better name for an adult diaper. (Larry Gray) *Cover Girl is a good name for cosmetics, a better name for the new Playboy. (Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) *DeBeers* is a good name for a diamond company but a better one for a Chicago sports bar. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Def Jam* is a good name for a record label but a better name for an earwax remover. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Domino's* is a fine name for pizza but would be a great name for a demolition company. (David Friedman) *E-ZPass* is a good name for an electronic toll collection system but a better name for a constipation remedy. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *FedEx* is a fine name for a delivery company but a better name for Ben Bernanke's memoir. (Jaclyn Yamada, New York) *Five Below* is a good name for a discount retail store but a better name for a discount burial service. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *Fritos* is a good name for a chip but a better name for a sandal. (Ami Greenberg, Washington) *Groupon is a good name for a discount site and a better name for a bus tour company. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Hasbro* is a good name for a toy company but a better name for a DNA testing service. (Chris Doyle; John O'Byrne, Dublin) *Instagram* is a nice name for a fun phone app but better for a Denver drug delivery service. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *Kaiser Permanente* is an okay name for a health-care network but better for Angela Merkel. — The Greek Government (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) ** Bibigo is a good name for Korean dumplings, but it would be a better name for Israel's Labor Party. (Jerry Pohl, Rockville, Md.,a First Offender) oops! Jerry actually had four blots of ink back in 1994-95 — including a win and a runner-up) *Oral-B* is a good name for a toothbrush but a better name for a porno film rating. (Chris Doyle) *Parcheesi* is a good name for a game but a better name for a the pizza joint at the 19th hole. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Polo* is a fine name for preppy clothing but would be great for a missing-person locator service. (David Friedman) *Southern Comfort* is a suitable name for a whiskey and even a better one for hemorrhoid cream. (John O'Byrne) *Stuckey's* is a good name for a restaurant but a better name for a laptop cleaner. (Ami Greenberg) *Time Warner* is a good name for a media company but a better name for an alarm clock. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Union Market is a good name for an upscale food emporium, but an even better name for Logan Circle late at night. (Mark Raffman) *Stay Puft is a good name for marshmallows, and "The Force Awakens"* a good title for a "Star Wars" movie, but they both would be even better names for ED medications. (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.; Bill Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.) *Vijay Singh is a good name for a professional golfer but an even better name for Eve Ensler's "Monologues: The Musical." (Ned Andrews, Franklin, Va.) *Wavy Lay's is a good name for a potato chip but a better name for a waterbed. (Larry McClemons) ** /And Last:/ Lowenbrau* is a nice name for beer, but a great name for The Style Invitational. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 9: our "word search" neologism contest. See bit.ly/invite1147. ====================================================================== WEEK 1149, published November 15, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1149: Gestures of depreciation for Love Your Lawyer Day Plus 'decibelch' and other winning neologisms from our DICE neologism contest(Bob Staake/for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 12 (Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1145, our annual Tour de Fours neologism contest) */Ways to observe National Love Your Lawyer Day:/ *Buy a cup of very hot coffee and spill it on yourself.* Be doubly potent (or doubly sick) if you drink this elixir containing a snake with a scorpion in its mouth, this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *Buy him a copy of the book "Legal Ethics [Are] for Dummies"* */How to celebrate National Love Your HMO Administrator Day: /Bake her a cake, then cut off 40 percent as a deductible, another 25 percent as a copay . . . *This week's contest* comes courtesy of Mark Raffman, who's written numerous lawyer jokes in past Invitational contests (e.g., Week 989, combine two professions: "A lawyer/prostitute: Get people off for money. Repeat."). Which I'm sure tickles Mark's colleagues at his corporate law firm no end. Mark alerted the Empress to a real thing called National Love Your Lawyer Day, this past Nov. 6. sponsored by the American Lawyers Public Image Association: "We're hoping this day will spark public interest in commending lawyers rather than condemning them," the press release says. Fortunately, that's several days in the past, so we can now proceed with This Week's Contest: Suggest ways to celebrate National Love Your Lawyer Day — or a made-up "holiday" celebrating some other profession, as in Mark's own examples above. For suggesting the contest complete with great examples (and for being local), Mark gets a date with the Empress to get ice cream. If you meet the same requirements in a future week, you can get ice-creamed, too. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins an incredible bottle of something we do not recommend that you drink: It's aclear wine containing a coiled real snake — and hanging from its mouth is a real scorpion, almost as big as the snake itself. Brought back from Vietnam by Hall of Fame Loser Stephen Dudzik. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug (either the takeoff on the LOVE symbol or "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" ) or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake, probably one of the new models to be announced next week. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Firstink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 23; results published Dec. 13 (online Dec. 10). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1149" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Danielle Nowlin; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; /follow@StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *Roles of DICE: Neologisms From Week 1145: Week 1145 was one of our annual Tour de Fours neologism contests, in which we supplied a block of letters — this time D-I-C-E — and asked readers to coin a word or multi-word term containing that block, in any order but with no letters between them (we did allow a space or hyphen). Too many people to credit suggested Peedicament: being stuck in gridlock and you really have to go. 4th place: *Ride and prejudice:* It is a truth universally acknowledged that a cabbie in need of a fare still won't pick up a black man after dark. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 3rd place: *Patton medicine:* A bracing slap in the face. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2nd place and the "Art of the Bonsai Potato" gardening kit: *Decirculation: The one number that's way up in the newspaper industry. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Tea iced:* What Rep. Kevin McCarthy was last month. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) CIDE dishes: honorable mentions *Bedcide manner:* What Dr. Kevorkian was renowned for. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Siouxicide:* Insisting on keeping a derogatory name for your football team. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Fraticide: "On Visiting Day, the Nu Nu house committed fraticide with a sign offering 'free jello shots to hot high school girls and their moms.' " (Frank Osen) *Fartricide:* When it's literally silent but deadly. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.; Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *Mooicide:* What judgmental vegans call meat-eating. "I can't believe OKCupid matched me up with this guy — ugh, he's mooicidal!" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Flied chicken:* The day-old special at Earl's Shack o' Wings. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *McDeity:* A lesser god. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Faccident:* When a candidate slips and says something true. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *Towerdice: Fear of heights. (Tom Witte) *Antidecorate:* What toddlers do to a room. (Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring) *M&Medicating:* Using chocolate as your drug of choice. (Jeff Shirley) *Maledictation:* Having your secretary write up your layoff letter to her. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *Redicament:* The same old mess. (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) *Decimull:* Try to figure out your kid's Common Core math homework. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Recidiviewer: Someone who binge-watches the full "Star Wars" series six times straight. (Pat Tompkins, San Mateo, Calif.) *Deciderer*: What W called his Magic 8 Ball. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Johndice:* Unfortunate condition causing orange-tinted skin and overactive tear ducts. (Danielle Nowlin) *Humorrhoidectomy:* Removal of the funny bone. Prognosis is grim. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *Incider trading: Bad behavior at Apple headquarters. (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) *Benedictator:* A leader who cares about you and knows what is best for you and forces you to buy health insurance. (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) *Decibelch:* Unit of measure for burping contests. (Chris Doyle) *Icedope:* "This snowball clearly disproves global warming!" (Ann Martin) *Decimater: The mother of all guilt, able to defeat all offspring with a single frown! (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Die-curious:* So reckless that they say you have a death wish. "Driving with your knees? When did you become die-curious?" (Duncan Stevens) *Epic death: The only thing standing between most idiots and a Darwin Award. (Jon Gearhart) *Prude and Prejudice:* The Bob Jones University student handbook. (Jon Gearhart) *Lice dancing:* Shake, shake, shake, shake your cootie . . . (Chris Doyle) *Decibull: The standard unit of political spin and distortion, expressed as falsehoods per minute. "Fiorina's debate performance was clocked at a record 83.4 decibulls." (Duncan Stevens) *Accidentistry:* A still-thriving profession in the NHL. "Ovie shunned the accidentistry, preferring to flash a jack-o'-lantern smile." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Medicaterer:* A pharm-to-table supplier for the well-stocked rave. (Kevin Dopart) *Squidecstasy:* That feeling, sexy and divine/ When 20 tentacles entwine. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Far Side Chats:* Oddly, FDR's early radio addresses did little to reas-sure a worried nation. (Chris Doyle) *Bodice chipper:* The hot "romance/gore" genre, like "Untamed Desire in Fargo." (Amy Harris) *Bodice dripper: A lactating mother. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Coincidents:* Dinks on the bumper that just happened to occur when you were driving your parents' car. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Agincident:* Your umpteeth ticket from the same speeding camera. (Barbara Turner) *Cod'iece:* A medieval garment that covered the crotch but still allowed one to take a P. (Brendan Beary) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 16: our contest for 5-7-5-7-7 TankaWanka poems. See bit.ly/invite1148 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1150, published November 22, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1150: A deviant character — change a name by one letter Plus the winning ideas for Bob Staake's next two Loser Magnets Howard Walderman's winning slogan for one of our two new Loser Magnets for honorable mentions, designed as always by Bob Staake. See the other magnet and losing slogans below. (Design by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 19 (Click here to skip down to the winning and losing Loser Magnet slogans) *Catherine Denerve: Just who does she think she is, anyway?* *Orlando Boom: I hear he's going to star in the remake of "Blow-Up." *Helena Bonham Crater: She /used to be/ a bombshell. Rob Cohen's second-place slogan graces the other magnet. As always, we'll have 500 made of each business-card-size design. (Designed by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) There's one contest for which The Style Invitational is best known, especially online: It's the one in which you change a word by a single letter and define the result. Old lists of Invite change-a-letter results — often sullied with inferior jokes that others have tacked on — have continued to careen through cyberspace since 1995, sometimes misnamed the "Mensa Invitational"; the Empress still sees them on the Web almost every week. We've repeated the change-a-letter contest several times over the years. But Ultra-Loser Brendan Beary notes that we've never had a contest that required you to change just one letter of someone's name. Hence This week's contest: Change the name of a person or animal — real or fictional — by adding or subtracting one letter; substituting one letter for another; or switching the positions of two nearby letters, and describing the result,* as in Brendan's examples above. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a really fun, pretty little knickknack or stress reliever, a hand-size sealed Lucite box in which two tiny frogs sit on lily pads, which float atop blue water, which clearly isn't water but something stronger and more viscous — because no matter how you flip the box around, the little frogs always keep sitting atop the whatever-it-is. Poor frogs can never take a swim. Donated by Danielle Nowlin. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of the two new Loser magnets presented this week. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 30; results published Dec. 20 (online Dec. 17). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1150" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The "Tr'ink'ets" headline is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . Shake 'em up as you will, these little froggies never dip below the surface of the "water." Wait — that's kind of sad. This week's second prize. ( Pat Myers/The Washington Post/ ) And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *TR'INK'ETS: OUR NEW HONORABLE-MENTION MAGNETS (AND THE LOSING SLOGANS, TOO)* In Week 1146 we asked for slogans for our next two Loser Magnets, the prize that the Empress has sent out to honorable-mention winners since 2004; Bob Staake draws a new pair (we print 500 each) every year. The last time we had a magnet contest was in 2011; since then, we've been using entries from that contest. And in future years, God and Bezos willing, we'll be mining the list of runners-up and honorable mentions below for subsequent sets. 4th place: *No Cigar,* perhaps with a Loser spurned by a traditional cigar store statue (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: *Dork Losing,* with an arm sticking out between the closed doors of a Metrorail car (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the pumpkin-pie-slice hat /(plus the magnet with this slogan):/ *Magnet Dum Laude (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; see the design above left) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /(plus the magnet with this slogan):/ Falling Jest Short (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Winners of a magnet with someone else's idea on it: honorable mentions *Cordon Bleh* (David Schildkret, Chandler, Ariz.) *I'm So-So Special (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) *Better Yuk Next Time (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.; Frank Mann, Washington) *Nearly Beloved, with a bride left at the altar (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *Mini Ha-Ha (Nan Reiner; George-Ann Rosenberg) *A Marvel-less Achievement (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *We've Seen Better (guy squinting at an eye chart) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Punderachiever* (Danielle Nowlin; Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) *Too-Weak Notice (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) am*BIG*uous *ACHIEVEMENT* (Jeff Contompasis) *AWESOME*what (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *INFINITE*simal JEST (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Ax-Rated Material (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala) *Won Under Par (Jim Exnicios, Manassas, Va.) *BO_US PRIZE,* with a Loserly "Wheel of Fortune" contestant guessing "G" (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *Cream of the Cr_p,* with the anarchy symbol — an A inside a circle — replacing the missing letter (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *I "™¥ Nyuk* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Oh Mirthy Me* (Roger Hammons, Ashburn, Va.) *Just Do Wit* (Nan Reiner) *P-U-litzer Prize* (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Witty Bitty* (Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md.) *Inking to New Lows* (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) *Delusions of Adequacy* (Brendan Beary) *Ink-Brained Wretch* (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) *Mom Be Not Proud (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Maximum Fool Efficiency, with a clown car (Nan Reiner) *A Mind Is a Thing to Waste* (Steve Honley, Washington) *Beware the Punslinger (Steve Honley) *A Small Jester of Appreciation,* with, of course, a diminutive jester (Elizabeth Molyé, Arlington, Va.) *Embrace Your Dork Side,* a huggable teddy bear with a Darth Vader helmet (Kevin Dopart) *IDiot CARD* (Beverley Sharp) *A Club That Would Have Me* (Steve Honley) *From the Land of Inkin', with someone having trouble splitting logs (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *Shtick Magnet* (Claudia Raffman, Reston, Va.; Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) *I Scratched My Jocular Itch* (Konrad Schwoerke, Chapel Hill, N.C.; well, don't expect /this/ one to be illustrated on a future magnet) *I've Got Style Issues,* with a Loser surrounded by piles of Washington Posts. (Ivars Kuskevics) *Is This All There Is? (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 23: Our contest to show "love" for lawyers or people in other professions. See bit.ly/invite1149 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1151, published November 29, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1151: Take aim at [a glassbowl] with a snarky note Plus winning neologisms 'discovered' in the Week 1147 word-search grid(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 25 New contest for Week 1151: To [a glass], snarkly /"Dear [Glassbowl] Foodie: Shut up and eat your dinner. You're not Julia Child, and no one is interested in enduring a detailed analysis about what hints of exotic spice your delicate palate was able to detect in the chutney mayo. The only thing you are an aficionado of is how to be annoying." — From / "Dear [A-------]: 101 Tear-Out Letters to the Morons Who Muck Up Your Life," by Jillian and Michelle Madison *This week's contest comes to us via Loser Dave Prevar, who gave the Empress the book quoted above as a potential second prize. The E nixed the prize idea because of the unprintable title of the 2011 book, but she did think the Loser Community could snark up the joint with much more flair. We'll use the handy rhyme "glassbowl," a la the flairful online chats with The Post'sCarolyn Hax and Gene Weingarten , *This week: Write a short, snarky (but witty) note to one of the glassbowls below,* all from the 101 types listed in the book. Obviously, we're looking for well-crafted funny writing here, not a couple of misspelled sentence fragments sent in with the disclaimer "sent from my phone, excuse typos."** * * Dear Glassbowl Who Parked Like a Moron *. . . Who Had This Library Book Before Me * . . . Trying to Fix Me Up * . . . Houseguest Who Overstayed Your Welcome * . . . Joined-at-the-Hip Couple * . . . Goody-Two-Shoes* . . . Clipping Your Nails at Work* *. . . At the Concert * . . . Restaurant Server* *. . . Clean Freak* *. . . Who Didn't Clean Up After the Dog * . . . Constantly Cheery Glassbowl* . . . Contagious Glassbowl* The grid we created by feeding it 18 words from a random generator. The highlighted "whirk" and "borment" were examples for Week 1147. (GRID CONSTRUCTED WITH THE INSTANT ONLINE WORD SEARCH MAKER AT PUZZLE-MAKER.COM) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets — oh, okay, the book, /plus/ "1001 Horrible Facts: A Yuckopedia of Gross Truths About Everything " ( ("Sun-dried maggots have been eaten from China to North America"; "In Ghana, half of the locally produced meat comes from rats"). Donated by Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our brand-new Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Jest Falling Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 7; results published Dec. 27 (online Dec. 24). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1151" in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . "Lexiconcealment" in today's headline is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . REORT FROM WEEK 1147: In Week 1147,* we posted the word-search grid pictured above and asked you to "discover" new words by snaking a path through the grid. (The squiggles on the grid show that week's examples, "whirk" and "borments.") We swear we didn't know that "Trump," "Jeb" and "Snyder" were in there, but most everyone found them. The coordinates below refer to the position of the first letter. 4th place: *L-3: BEQUAT:* In Alabama, a demand for silence (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: *D-5: BTFXPBLKJQ: Joe Btfsplk's family name before his grandfather got lucky at Ellis Island. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the set of "Household Engineering" booklets from 1915: *H-13: POREBOOK: A spinoff social network that examines its members /way/ too closely. (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *A-4: BARBIEST KEN:* Mattel's new transgender doll. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) B-10 out: honorable mentions *A-1: VEXMOJI:* The one that looks like ò_ó. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *A-13: TRUMPASO: Future name for the closed city across from Juarez. (Mike Creveling, La Plata, Md.) *A-13: TRUMP RIVER: The future name of the Rio Grande, in honor of the president who successfully executed the MEXPURGE* (E-16). (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *A-13: TRUMPATRIBE:* An angry rant about what a huge loser you are. (Jesse Frankovich) *A-13: TRUMPT:* Screwed. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *A-18: BRRM: Where you fill the hot chocolate to. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *C-1: LABBONG: an instrument used in, um, research on the effects of cannabis. (John Shea, Philadelphia) *C-14: STAND PRIX: The most boring race on the Formula 1 circuit. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *D-13: PLUMPATIVE:* "She's not fat, she's . . ." (Ray Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) *D-17: MIDASS:* A 24-karat-gold buffoon. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) *E-2: BROPART: In an '80s action flick, it's the white hero's best (and only) black friend. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *E-10: SOYLOX: The quickest way to ruin a bagel. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *F-6: ALLONS-YO: "Let's go, dawg!" (Larry Gray) *G-2: GOP AND JEB: Third time wasn't the charm. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *G-7: LOVITIF: A request made without directly asking anyone. "I would lovitif someone could get me some coffee." (David Smith, Alexandria, Va.) *G-12: STINKBOWL: Where the Terps have clinched a spot this season. (Ray Gallucci) *G-14: ZIP-STING: Malady that spurred the comeback of button-fly jeans. (Dion Black, Washington) *H-13: PURGELL: really strong hand sanitizer. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *H-17: HOLYYES:* The antonym of "hellno." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *I-9: SNYDERGUISH:* The misery felt by Washington football fans since 1999. (Jesse Frankovich) *I-15: BEEREE:* My favorite breakfast smoothie. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *I-9: SNYDER IN LOVE W/RG:* That explains it. (Mike Creveling) *I-9: SINLOG:* Sure, maybe /you/ call it a "browser history." (Dion Black) *I-12: GROUP LIP:* A variation on the group hug -- but much more ewwww. (Frank Mann, Washington) *J-12 BOOGERGOURMET: A picky eater. (Kevin Dopart) *J-13 RE-RE-MEET: Get introduced to your friend's friend again after you really ought to know her name by now. [COLLEEN!!! OF COURSE!!!! ColleenColleenColleenColleenColleen...] (Danielle Nowlin) *K-2: QUADAB:* A couple of muscles short of a six-pack. (Robert Schechter) *K-6: NURDLE: A small gathering of geeks. "A nurdle of mathletes clustered around the whiteboard." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *K-10: LOOK INN: A motel for voyeurs. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *K-13: ERRIGATE:* To water the side of the barroom toilet. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *K-16 SEMENSA: A society whose members must be both smart and spunky. (Kevin Dopart) *L-7: UNWOW:* Deliver a Jeb-like debate performance. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *12-L: CELLO GREEN:* Composer of the string quartet arrangement of "(Forget) You." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *M-13: SCOLDILOCKS: The pickiest reviewer on Yelp. "Neither the food nor the accommodations ever approached the level of 'just right'; in fact, the entire experience was unbearable." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *N-6: WOEL: Season's grievings. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *N-10: SEXLEC:* Military jargon for "the talk" given to recruits at boot camp. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Q-3: RISKBIB:* A white shirt. (Danielle Nowlin) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 30: Our contest to change someone's name by one letter. See bit.ly/invite1150. ====================================================================== WEEK 1152, published December 6, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1152: Oops? You do it again — enter a previous contest Plus the winning TankaWanka 5-line poems on the news You don't need a time machine, just a handy index we provide for the past year's contests you can reenter for Week 1152. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers December 3(Click here to skip down to the winning TankaWanka five-line poems about the news) Didn't get your paper on July 23? Did you miss the deadline for Week 1105? Did the Empress rob you /again/ for Weeks 1120, 1121 /and/ 1122? Stop complaining already — here's your chance to do something about it: our annual retrospective contest. This week: Enter any Style Invitational contest from Week 1098 through Week 1148, except for Week 1101, last year's do-over. Use as few or many contests as you like, up to 25 entries total. You may refer to events that have occurred since the contest was published (exception: the Week 1105 obit poems should still be about people who died in 2014); for contests that ask you to use that week's paper, use Dec. 3-14 of this year. You may submit an entry you've already sent, but remember that it's the same old lady judging them. Where to find all these previous contests? There's a link to each one at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational (click on "More News" at the bottom of the page to see the oldest few). You can also see all the contests on Loser Elden Carnahan's Master Contest List at nrars.org. * After you read the instructions of a contest you want to enter, don't forget to check the results as well (usually four weeks later) to be sure you're not repeating an inking entry. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place, just in time to be several weeks late for Hanukkah, a giant inflatable dreidel, donated by Loser Diane Wah. It's actually sort of round, so if it lands on the wrong side, you can discreetly nudge it to a better letter. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our brand-new Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 14; results published Jan. 3 (online Dec. 31 or maybe 30). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1152" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Danielle Nowlin; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Shirley. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . Be gelty, gelty, gelty with a beach ball-like inflatable dreidel, this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . It's a tanka gas: The top TankaWanka news poems: *In Week 1148 we presented our second annual contest for TankaWanka poems on the news. The TankaWanka — a form the Empress named so nobody could accuse us of doing it wrong — is a variation on tanka, a classic Japanese poetry form. Like tanka, the TW has five lines of 5-7-5-7-7 syllables (like a haiku that forgot to stop), but it also contains at least one rhyme. 4th place: *Ben Carson believes Egyptian pyramids were used by biblical Joseph *Carson: Pyramids Were for the storage of grain. Evidence for this: They're sealed against the outside. Much like Dr. Carson's brain? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 3rd place: *Coywolf, coyote-wolf hybrid, sees population boom* Wolf, in search of mate, Struck out, then said, "You know what? Coyotes look great!" Fairy tale changes wryly When Riding Hood meets Wile E. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2nd place and the "Jewjitsu" T-shirt plus Christian-themed jellybeans: *Nationals lose manager choice over too-low offer* "Bud Black is our guy! He can run our pitching staff!" But they made a gaffe With their offer so mulish— Penny-wise and mound-foolish. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Google self-driving car pulled over for driving too slowly, impeding traffic* California fuzz Stopped a car, and found it was Driving by itself. Gave a warning, didn't cite. Need I say the car was white? (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) PRO-PAIN TANKA: HONORABLE MENTIONS *Christian groups protest lack of Christmas symbols on Starbucks cups *Time to get riled up! Hang a plain red Starbucks cup On the highest bough, And have yourself a merry Little War on Christmas now. (Nan Reiner) *San Diego SeaWorld ends killer-whale shows but keeps whales* Folks cry: "Free Shamu!" SeaWorld has a different view. Stubborn, they say no: "How could we, in good conscience, Let eleven killers go?" (Beverley Sharp) *Trump calls Mexican immigrants "rapists"* "Sending their rapists" Makes it clear, for goodness' sake, That Donald Trump's yen Is to be the prez who'll make America hate again. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Carson's home features a large double portrait* We thought the Donald Possessed the biggest ego Of them all, but then This painting came to seize us: It pictures Ben with Jesus. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *Inclusion in GOP debates depends on latest poll* Poll ranking dictates Which of umpteen candidates Make the next debates, Based on this week's ups and downs. Open car; reshuffle clowns. (Nan Reiner) *"Star Wars: Episode VII"* *I.* "The Force Awakens"! All of geekdom rejoices. As we revisit A galaxy that's far far, Let us hope there's no Jar Jar. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *II.* "The Force Awakens": A movie for which we'll queue. For Disney, huge sums. And in handy Yoda comes When verse rhyming try we do. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *Former Russian official found dead in Dupont Circle hotel* Could be verry bad If you get on outs with Vlad. You haf "heart attack." This case, upon scrutiny, Looking very Putiny. (Nan Reiner) *Asian leaders meet* China's Xi Jinping And Taiwan's Ma Ying-Jeou met; There should be an ad: "Spacious meeting room to let — The historic Ma-Xi pad." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Pitcher insists on finishing World Series game, loses it Matt Harvey, Mets ace, Demands, "I'll pitch the ninth frame For a complete game!" Soon the game, Mets fans could see, Was complete, over, /finis. / (Brendan Beary) *Politicians exploit Paris attacks Carnage in Paris Leaves us sad and dejected Except for a few Asking the age-old question: Can this get me elected? (Frank Mann, Washington) *Water discovered on Mars* Evidence showing There's liquid water flowing On the planet Mars Has made scientists zealous — And Californians jealous. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *"Gum Wall" gets a cleaning Have you heard the news? Seattle has a problem: A sticky issue — On a wall, not a tissue. More gum control laws needed! (Andrea Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass., a First Offender) *George H.W. Bush criticizes Cheney, Rumsfeld in biography* George Bush the first, you Paterfamiliously, And biliously, Trashed two top aides to Dubya — Only now do they trubya? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *New baby panda The National Zoo Pulled the new panda handler Aside to warn her That nobody — NOBODY! — Puts Bei Bei in the corner. (Chris Doyle) *Feminist Germaine Greer rants that sex change surgery doesn't make a man a woman* So says Germaine Greer: "You can lop off your penis, And good luck, my dear, But, no matter your keenness, You're not a woman, I fear." (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa, a First Offender) /[*Greer actually usedmuch cruder language in her rant]/ *D.C. rated the "snobbiest city on the East Coast" Look "" some new website Gave D.C. a top-10-ranked Snooty ratio! San Francisco ranks first, though . . . (Left-Coasters. What do THEY know?) (Nan Reiner) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 7: our contest to rant at a rhymes-with-"glassbowl." See bit.ly/invite1151 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1153, published December 13, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1153: Be three-paired — find 2 things with the same abbrev. And link them somehow. Plus winning ways to show love to your lawyer or other 'lovable' pro. The doody and the deity: FSM stands for Fecal Sludge Management as well as for Flying Spaghetti Monster. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers December 9(Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1149, ways to show your love for your lawyer, DMV clerk, etc.) *FSM: To follow Fecal Sludge Management, it is best to wear rubber gloves and a mask. To follow the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you need only wear a spaghetti strainer on your head.* *FMM stands for the Franciscan Missionaries of Mary* * . . . and also for Female-Male-Male, a position not endorsed by the Franciscan Missionaries of Mary. We came up with that nice comparison above to use in Part 2 of our series of initialisms contests, covering EAA through HZZ ... and then, at the /very /last minute, we realized: /We did Part 2! / We're on Part 3! But you get the idea: There's a set of Wikipedia pages containing nothing but thousands of three-letter combinations — TLAs, they're called, three-letter acronyms and initialisms. And each one of these TLAs is a link to a page listing various things that the TLA is used to represent. This week: Choose two or more entities represented by a single three-letter combination from IAA through LZZ — find the Wikipedia links at bit.ly/invite3-2015 — and say how they are alike or different or have /some/ connection,* as in the examples above. The entity could be something abbreviated by the three letters, as above, or it might be a three-letter word or name: "let" or "Ito," say. It doesn't even have to be mentioned in the Wikipedia list, but it must be real. And remember, the TLA has to start with I, J, K or L.** Kick back and listen to this 1970 collection of natterings by the only vice president from Maryland, and the first to resign in disgrace. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place also salutes a titan of the Republican Party: It's a genuine original LP record of "Spiro T. Agnew: The Speeches That Stirred America," which the Empress procured from Som Records, that great D.C. emporium of vinyl. Made to promote the Nixon-Agnew 1972 reelection ticket, the disc features 60 solid minutes of the then-veep having his say on "Youth, Hippies and Yippies, Draft Dodgers," etc. (Not clear if "nattering nabobs of negativism" made the cut; also, there's no tape of Agnew accepting construction kickbacks in his White House office .) *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our brand-new Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 21; results published Jan. 10 (online Jan. 7). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1153" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published Thursday afternoons, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational posted four weeks ago . . . *FESTIVAL OF SLIGHTS: WAYS TO 'LOVE A LAWYER' AND MORE FROM WEEK 1149* In Week 1149, we asked you for tips on how to celebrate National Love Your Lawyer Day — a real thing, dreamed up by the American Lawyers Public Image Association — or similar "holidays" real or imagined. 4th place: How to celebrate National Mime Day: Grab a hammer, smash the glass box, and let him out. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 3rd place For Cosmetologist Appreciation Day?* Just make up something. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the bottle of wine containing a snake and a scorpion: For Love Your Lawyer Day:* Hire him for a rush project right before daylight-saving time ends, so he can fulfill every lawyer's dream: billing 25 hours in a single day. (Mark Raffman, Esq., Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *A greeting card for National Love a Supermodel Day: To thank you for your flawless skin And hips and tummy (oh so thin) And thighs that do not meet, it Will be my pleasure to bring cake To your next shoot, where, on a break, You'll get to watch me eat it. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Better call it a day: honorable mentions *For Love Your Lawyer Day: "™¥ Take him to lunch, factoring in the 0.25 hour he'll bill for advising you to order the prime rib. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) "™¥Send a card, and of course charge for the cost of the card, gas to the card store, ink from the pen used to sign the card, postage, carriage, the intellectual property represented by the inscription, plus 50 percent overhead costs. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) "™¥Have sex with her spendthrift spouse. (Edward Gordon, Austin, Tex.) "™¥Buy your lawyer a treadmill with a screen that shows the back end of an ambulance driving away. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) "™¥Buy him a dog named Your Honor so he can enjoy uttering phrases like "Sit, Your Honor!" and "Beg, Your Honor!" (Mark Raffman) "™¥Send a card with your best wishes, stipulating that "wishes" provide no assurances and "best" implies no actual superlative benefit. (George-Ann Rosenberg) "™¥Buy him a judge. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *FOR THE REST OF HUMANITY (OR "HUMANITY"):* It's Love Your Gym Teacher Day:* Remember yours with a three-pack of pale gray candles in a trio of evocative scents: Damp Tile, BO and Three-Day Sweat Sock. (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) Tell your cable installer* you'll pick him up for dinner between 4 and 10 p.m. on Thursday. Call at 9:30 to reschedule for a week from Tuesday. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Invite a few airline executives* over for dinner. Serve each one three peanuts and a thimbleful of Scotch. (Jon Gearhart) For Love Your Psychiatrist Day:* I talked to both the others and we think: We ought to give a day off to our shrink. We'll muddle through somehow if we just try; Enjoy yourself! Signed: Me, Myself and I. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) **Buy your lab tech* a lovely gown — backless, of course. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) For a freelance writer: Mail her a postcard saying, "We've considered the idea of a day set aside to appreciate you. Unfortunately, it does not suit our current needs." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) The Orange Line will mark Love Our Subway Day by announcing at each stop, "We _ov_ yo_, Met_o." Celebratory gargling and snorting is encouraged. — Metro Mgmt. (Larry Neal, McLean, Va.) Celebrate Love Your Chiropractor Day* by getting extra kinky. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) For National Mail Carrier Day,* send your note of thanks to mylocalcarrier@usps.com. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Present a paparazzo* with a framed photo of himself at work stalking some celebrity, but not the picture you tweeted of him taking a break peeing behind a car. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) For*Love Your Bloomingdale's Ad Exec Day:* Spike her morning coffee while she's not looking "" wink, wink "" then lock her office door and, you know, "love" her. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) For Love Your Improv Comedian Day:* Spend the day doing whatever random strangers tell you to do. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Give your banker a hotel stay with free check-in (other services included for additional fees). (Lela Martin, Midlothian, Va.) For Love Your Garbage Collector Day,* hide a few festively decorated gifts among your refuse. Your collector will enjoy the curbside "scavenger hunt." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Buy a Super Bowl ticket for your favorite*Washington Redskin so he can go to a Super Bowl at least once. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge) A card for National Love Your Mortician Day:* It was only this summer you buried our dad In a casket you claimed was the cheapest you had. When we looked at the bill, we decided right then: We'll be none of us dying to meet you again. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Hold a buffet lunch on DMV Clerk Recognition Day:* Place the food on the main table but put the utensils in a different room. Then let the guests know they need to have brought their own plates, notarized. (Kevin Dopart) On Lenders Appreciation Day, call up a savings and loan, offer to throw them a party, then call back and tell them they don't qualify. (Frank Osen) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 14: our contest to enter any of 50 previous contests. See bit.l *y/invite1152 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1154, published December 20, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1154: Tabby Road — write a song for or about animals Plus 'Napoleon Blonaparte' and other winning names changed by one letter This week's contest is to write a song parody for or about cats or other animals. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers December 17(Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1150, a contest to change someone's name by one letter) Does Fluffy fail to appreciate your rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody," or even your best belting version of "Memory"? There's a good chance she'd rather hear "Music for Cats," a collection of compositions by virtuoso cellist David Teie in which he uses pitches, purry sounds and pulsating rhythms that cats seem to relate to instinctively. A study published this year in an academic journal reported that Teie's "Rusty's Ballad" and "Cozmo's Air" were favored by the 47 cats in the study twice as much as Bach's "Air on the G String" or Fauré's "Elégie." (Yeah, but they didn't test for "Honky Cat" or "The Lion Sleeps Tonight.") We tell you all this because it gave us /some/ excuse for another of our song parody contests, however tenuously linked. This week: Write a song for — or about — cats or other animals, set to a familiar tune. If your cat loves it, good for you, but we really don't care. As always, parodies that run in the print version of the Invitational tend to be very well known melodies, while online we're able to include links to the tunes. And in an uncharacteristic attack of holiday season benevolence, the Empress announces two special bendings of the rules this week:* First, the E won't grouse if two people collaborate on a song; usually, she doesn't consider the Invite a team sport. And second, given that even members of the Greater Loser Community might have one or two other things to do around now, she will extend the deadline another week — all the way to Jan. 4. ADVERTISING Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, given this week's topic, a*Twinkle Tush,* a little modesty jewel that hangs from your cat's tail to cover its, uh, littering area. "Not for human use," it advises. (It also advises you, duh, not to actually leave it on your cat. Just sing to him, okay?) Donated by Loser Melissa Yorks. Turn your cat into Puss 'n' Booty with Twinkle Tush, this week's second prize. (TWINKLETUSH.COM ) *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our brand-new Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 4; results published Jan. 17 (online Jan. 14). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest (if you really want to write 25 songs in two weeks). Include "Week 1154" in your email subject line, or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Nan Reiner. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *RENAMES TO BE SEEN: REPORT FROM WEEK 1150* In Week 1150, we ran a twist on our classic change-one-letter neologism contests: This time it was someone's name that had to be changed by (a) adding or subtracting one letter; (b) substituting one letter for another; or (c) transposing two nearby letters. The Empress also allowed for adding spaces, hyphens, etc., but a letter had to change, too. This disqualified this nifty one from Chris Damm: "Michael P. Helps: He knows the secret for going really fast in the pool." 4th place: *My-GYN Kelly:* "If you have a problem with blood coming out of your wherever . . ." (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) 3rd place *Allan She-man:* "Hello Muddah, hello Fadduh/ Here I am out in Nevada/ To my true self I surrendered/ And this tweet is just to tell you I'm transgendered." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 2nd place and the floaty-frog shake-box : *Jugs Bunny:* Jessica Rabbit. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Napoleon Blonaparte: French leader famed for unsuccessfully using IEDs at Waterloo. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Miss-nomers: Honorable mentions *Trumpy Cat:* Not only does he dislike just about everyone, but he coughs up the strangest-shaped hairballs. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) *Queasimodo:* The Lunch-Back of Notre Dame. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Britney Swears: "****, I did it again." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Jeb Mush: Now with even less backbone. (Duncan Stevens) *Bong John Silver:* It's Toke Like a Pirate Day! (Chris Doyle) *Bend Carson:* He sees history like a joint replacement: conveniently flexible — and if there should be any errors, it's not the doctor's fault. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Elvish Costello:* Middle Earth Bard known for his hits like "Accid-Ents Will Happen." (Dave Brewer, Seattle) *The-odor Roosevelt:* White House aides quit when he began to speak softly and carry a big stink. (Chris Doyle) *Tinderella:* Prince Charming swiped right, but she swiped left. Will he ever find her? (Beth Karp, Portland, Ore., a First Offender) *Wilt Chamberlaid: Basketball star who broke many scoring records. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Alex Kvechkin:* "What means 'No goal'? Is blind, the referee. Does he know job? Nyet!" (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *Bashar Al-Asswad: Murderous tyrant with a pants-load of problems. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Aziz Amsari: He's so funny, but I wish he'd stop being so apologetic. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *Clint Leastwood: Rumored to pack the smallest pistol in Hollywood. (Michael Rosen, New York) *George Ohwell: "You know, those telescreens do help with security . . ." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *CEOpatra: A boss who expects to be worshiped, can often be found in de Nile, and would rather die than experience a takeover. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *Braid Pitt:* The bride at a [insert disfavored ethnic group here] wedding. (Mark Raffman) *Approdite:* Greek version of Tinder. (Mark Raffman) *Chief Crazy House:* Speaker Paul Ryan. (Jerry Pohl, Rockville, Md.) *Drew Carrymore: Star of "E.A.T: The Extra-Ample Terrestrial." (Larry Miller, Bethesda, Md.) *Darth Evader: Emperor Palpatine's press secretary. (Ben Aronin, Washington) *David Hide Pierce:* Acupuncturist to the stars. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Demi Loveto: A very accommodating woman. (Tom Witte) *Jane Foodall: Author of the controversial cookbook "Gorillas in the Mix." (Christopher Lamora, Arlington, Va.) *Bernie Panders:* Shocking revelation: Senator takes contributions from the 99 percent! (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) *Henny VIII: Take my wives — please. (Ann Martin, Falls Church. Va.) *George Tucas: "May the arse be with you." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Ima Farrow: Mia's grammatical twin. (Jon Gearhart) *Dolly Patton:* "[SLAP] . . . My eyes are up here, soldier!" (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Trevor Nah: One of the unsuccessful applicants to replace Jon Stewart. (Jesse Frankovich) *J Edgar Hover:* Leader of the FBI's "Zero G-Men." (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) *Chuck Snorris: The sounds he makes while sleeping can be heard hundreds of miles away. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Ethan Alien: Leader of the Little Green Mountain Men. (Nathanael Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass.) *Leon Tootsky: A victim of Stalin's silent but deadly purges. (Jerry Pohl) *Mickey Moose: Had Walt gone with his first idea of a 7-foot anthropomorphic character from Maine, families wearing antler hats might be spending $700 per day at a theme park in Bangor. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring, Md.) *Mr. Roget's: He'd love to have you as his companion, pal, buddy, comrade, chum, confidant or playmate in his neighborhood. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Noses: Let my people blow. (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.) *George Clowney:* What most guys look like who try to look like George Clooney. (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) *Plado:* Founder of the ancient Kiddycademy. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *El Cheapo:* Mexican drug lord notorious for undertipping hitmen. (Nathanael Dewhurst) *The Hardly Boys:* Teen detectives who uncover their gender identity. (Kevin Dopart) *Pat Tyers:* "3,700 neologism entries!?" (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest to compare two things with the same abbreviation. Seebit.ly/invite1153. ====================================================================== WEEK 1155, published December 27, 2015 Style Invitational Week 1155: Vowel movement — a new wordplay challenge Plus the winning zingers hurled at slobby/prissy/meddling/snotty 'glassbowls' By replacing the vowels in "The Godfather" with other ones, you can end up with "The Good Fat Hair" — a coiffure you can't refuse. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers December 23(Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1151, the snarky rants to various rhymes-with-"glassbowls") *Drop the vowels from "THE GODFATHER" and get "THGDFTHR." Add vowels and get "THE GOOD FAT HAIR": It's a coiffure you can't refuse.* *"PSYCHO" "†' PSCH "†' "PESACH": A tale of getting out before it gets too crazy.* This little hard-shelled conga drummer is yours if your vowel play is just a wee bit lacking; it's the second prize for Week 1155. (Photo by Cheryl Davis) Here's a brand-new contest idea from Extreme Loser Kevin Dopart, who has never failed to enter a Style Invitational weekly contest since October 2005 — except the week he got to guest-judge as an award for getting 1,000 blots of Invite ink. Kevin's examples above show you what to do: *Choose a title of a book, movie, play or TV show; drop all the vowels (including Y when it's used as a vowel); then add your choice of vowels — as many as you like — to create a new work; and describe it. You may change capitalization and word spacing as you like. For his idea, Kevin wins an ice cream date with the Empress. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives yet one more masterpiece of shell shlock: this jaunty souvenir imported for us from Myrtle Beach, S.C., by Loser and Devoted Prize Donor Cheryl Davis. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our brand-new Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 4; results published Jan. 24 (online Jan. 21). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1155" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Gary Crockett; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . *DARTS OF SNARKNESS: THE WINNING ZINGS AT 'GLASSBOWLS'* *In Week 1151,* we asked you to let loose a snarky rant to any of 13 types of rhymes-with-"glassbowl," to improve on those in the book "Dear [A-------]: 101 Tear-Out Letters to the Morons Who Muck Up Your Life." Holy moly! To judge from most of the entries the Empress received, this challenge turned much of the Greater Loser Community into humorless scolds with gibes as irritating as the miscreants they were tut-tutting. Fortunately, dear readers, only the E had to read those. You get to read these. 4th place: *Dear Glassbowl Who Clips Your Nails at Work:* How thoughtful of you to anticipate your future sainthood and ensure that your co-workers have a sample of your nail clippings as relics of your earthly existence! Can we help with the martyrdom part? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: *Dear Glassbowl Who Had This Library Book Before Me:* Wow! You tore out the last three pages! I admit it was a little disconcerting to read an entire book and not be able to find out what happened at the end. Just like the other night when your girlfriend and I got to talking and one thing led to ano (Frank Mann, Washington) 2nd place and the "Dear [Glassbowl]" book and "1001 Horrible Facts" : *Dear Constantly Cheery Glassbowl: It's true that frowning takes more muscles than smiling. But it's well worth the extra effort. (Steve Honley, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Dear Glassbowl Who Had This Library Book Before Me: *This novel won the Man Booker Prize. It didn't need you to give it the Man-Booger Prize. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Going down spiting: honorable mentions *Dear Glassbowl Who Had This Library Book Before Me:* " Your insightful annotations on "Hamlet" fascinate me, particularly "Ophelia = ho LOL." When will you publish the official version? (Duncan Stevens) " Your attempts to write smart marginalia Are a failia. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) " Books are indeed food for the soul. Even without your lasagna glued between Pages 128 and 129. (Steve Honley) *Dear Glassbowl Who Didn't Clean Up After the Dog: " Don't be surprised if the next time I walk /my/ dog by /your/ house, he has a similar problem. That is, I expect he won't clean up after his human. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) " I found this on the ground. Since I didn't have a pen, I figured I'd use some of it to compose this note on the hood of your Audi. P.S. he needs more fiber. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *Dear Glassbowl Restaurant Server:* " Thank you for your extra-personalized service — that was a perfect thumbprint you left in the mashed potatoes. (Bird Waring) ** " I didn't order eggs. If I had ordered eggs, I wouldn't have ordered them cold. If I had ordered them cold, I wouldn't have ordered them spilled on my new shirt. If I had ordered them spilled on my new shirt, I wouldn't have ordered you to laugh at your own clumsiness. And if I had ordered you to laugh at your own clumsiness, I wouldn't have ordered you take the rest of those eggs and insert them into your, um, pants. And I am ordering you to do that now. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *" Dear Glassbowl Contagious Restaurant Server:* When I ordered my sandwich au jus, I did not want it dripping from you. (Melissa Balmain) *Dear Glassbowl Always Trying to Fix Me Up:* " When I said I like a man in uniform, I didn't mean from a work-release program. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) " Where do you find these women? They don't know Scotty from Bones, or Buffy from Willow! I'll bet you're doing this because I totally owned you at the Magic: The Gathering tournament with my Force of Will card. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Dear Glassbowl at the Concert: " My, you did a lot of singing tonight! Just how much did you have to pay to hire the folks onstage as your backup singers? (Steve Honley) " The concert, I had thought, would be a treat, To watch this band whose music I hold dear, But only this could I see from my seat: Gyrations of your cellulitic rear. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) " Great show last night! When did you learn to play candy wrapper? (Frank Mann) *Dear Clean Freak Glassbowl: Did you know that, if you die alone in your apartment, your cat will eat you? (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) *Dear Glassbowl Goody-Two-Shoes:* " All of us at work feel so much for your pain. So we've taken up a collection so you can finally have that stick surgically removed. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) " Thank you for informing me that the fork goes on the left and knife and spoon on the right. But I don't think the maitre d'McDonalds will throw out me and my toddler. (Roy Ashley, Washington) " You really have no memory of what you did at last year's Christmas party, do you? (Michael Rolfe) *Dear Glassbowl Who Parked Like a Moron:* Thank you soooo much for taking up two spots. At first I was annoyed, but after I parked somewhere else and walked past your car, I noticed that a branch had fallen and dented your roof — that could have been my car! Also, a rock went through your passenger window, a key scratched the driver's side door, and dog poop showed up on your windshield. So glad you saved me from that! (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Dear Glassbowl Houseguest Who Overstayed Your Welcome:* " It's no longer a "visit" if you now qualify for in-state tuition. Gather your stuff and make tracks. (Not literally.) (George-Ann Rosenberg) " You've been using our bathroom so long, you've used up an entire seashell soap — and I saw you take out one of the starfish this morning. FRIENDS DON'T USE THE STARFISH, SHARON!!! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Dear Contagious Glassbowl:* " Here's my name, address, and phone number. I don't usually share my personal information, but I want the CDC investigators to be able to find me when they search for anyone who's had any contact with you recently. (Katherine Stikkers, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) " Umm, maybe the memo came out before you were hired, but this office doesn't have a "Bring Your Dengue Fever to Work Day" going on. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 4: Our parody contest for songs for, to or about animals. See bit.ly/invite1154 . /No Style Conversational column this week. The Empress will chat a bit in the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group, and will answer e-mail at pat.myers@washpost.com . Merry Christmas!/ ====================================================================== WEEK 1156, published January 3, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1156: Dead letters — our annual obit poem contest Plus everything from horse names to Your Mama jokes from our retrospective winners(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers December 30, 2015 (Click here to skip down to the winners of our retrospective contest, in which you could enter any of the past year's contests) *Madame Claude ** Was a bawd. *But she had class *When she peddled tushie.* Once again, The Style Invitational celebrates the New Year with the level of class for which it is so justly renowned. This week: Write a humorous poem of no longer than eight lines about someone who died in 2015, as in the example above by Washington Post Pooet Laureate Gene Weingarten. You can find many lists of Heaven's newest residents by Googling "notable deaths 2015." As always with our obit poems, being clever doesn't mean you have to be brutal; don't give someone's new address as Hell just because he voted the other way or because she dressed badly. Your poem isn't required to rhyme (or play on rhyme, as in the example above), but over the years of obit poems, the rhymers have blotted up the great majority of Ink from the Empress. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a special imported two-pack: "Fat of Python" skin ointment and "Cobra Toxan" cream, brought back from a Vietnamese vacation by Hall of Fame Loser Beverley Sharp. We advise, however, that you leave their contents in their tubes, lest you become the subject of a Style Invitational entry 56 weeks from now. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our brand-new Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 11; results published Jan. 31 (online Jan. 28). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1156" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . *DO WIT AGAIN: OUR 2015 RETROSPECTIVE CONTEST* In Week 1152 the Empress invited the Loser Community to enter (or reenter) any of 50 of the year's previous contests. She received entries for almost all of them, especially foal names, bank headlines and repurposed business names, but also a slew of excellent song parodies. The parodies work online better than in the print edition, since the columns of type are wider, but more importantly we link to the tunes they're based on, tunes a reader might not know. It's why this week we're adding a runner-up spot online. 5th place: *Week 1117, song parodies about current events:* /Penis transplants soon to help wounded vets:/ /To "Open a New Window" from "Mame" (sung by Nan Reiner herself)/ Talk to our new surgeons, walk through our new door, Play on a new organ like you've never played before. If you're a latter-day John Bobbitt, no need to feel sad. We'll do a great job "" it could even make you a Dad! If injury's made your member less than mascular "" Slight in your hand . . . short of its prime . . . Our medical skills "" neuronal, bone, and vascular "" Promise to stand the test of time! Our payment terms are flexible; we offer differences in charge Based on if your donor is medium, small or large. We've stacked up the tools to fix you right away: You can nail with a new hammer, roll with a new drive shaft, Bang with a new drumstick every day! (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) 4th place *Week 1141, bank headlines:* /Post head: / Mastectomy may not be best option, study finds /Bank head:/ Radical treatment for bronchitis questioned (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) 3rd place *Week 1144, repurposed brand names: Yoplait is an okay name for a yogurt, but it's a great name for a children's gym in New Jersey. (Michael Weiner, Gaithersburg, Md.) 2nd place and the giant inflatable dreidel: *Week 1117, song parodies on current events:* /(Extremists demand Muslims' deportation; to "Tomorrow" from "Annie")/ The people who cry, "Praise Allah!"* *Let them weep in sorrow, scream or holler;* *Kick them out!* *My country despises Allah.* *Put the face of Jesus on the dollar — *Show His clout! * In each city and town: you're brown? You're going! And I'm feeling no qualms, imams go too! If anyone worships Allah,* *They'll be heading out by yacht or trawler;* *Ban them fast!* *Don't holler to Allah;* *The boat's getting smaller,* *America's great at last! (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Week 1110, Your Mama jokes:* *Yoda's Mama is so dumb, she talks like this. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) Wringing out the old: honorable mentions *Week 1103, song titles as TV themes: *For "World Series of Poker": "I Want to Hold Your Hand" (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Week 1105, obit poems: /Millie Zantow, Recycling Activist: /She was buried (tsk tsk) when found clearly not nimble, As her number came up with no triangle symbol. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) (*Week 1106, resolutions 100 years from now: Schedule a visit to the Statue of Trump at Ellis Island, and climb into the extended middle finger. (Frank Mann, Washington) *Week 1108, valentines:* /A valentine limerick"¦ from a credit card reader to a new microchip card:/ Please insert yourself into my slot So that I can assess what you've got. And don't pull out too fast, For I need this to last Or our dalliance will be for naught. (Nan Reiner) *Week 1109, bogus D.C. trivia: *President Truman collected 457 dollar bills during his term in office and kept them in a jar on his desk. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) "— Metrorail escalators were designed extra wide to allow tourists to conveniently place their luggage next to them, or to stand together as a family. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) *Week 1110, Your Mama jokes: Sir Isaac Newton's Mama is so fat, he wrote that "F = Ma." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Week 1112, neologisms containing S, H, A, R and P:* Ballparkish: Only approximately approximate. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) "— Derpsichorean: Having two left feet. (Chris Doyle ) *Week 1114, headlines with a positive spin: Liberty University makespacking for college easy (Kevin Dopart) *Week 1117, parodies on the news: /To the 1940s song "Cruising Down the River" / Cruz can make you shiver when you'd otherwise be warm; He rants, berates, pontificates, creates a verbal storm. The rigid right adore him; they admire his cheek and spin, But Cruz can make you shiver 'Cause he just might win. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) /(**To "Uptown Funk" ; start video at 0:36)/ I'm so hot (hot damn!) Live-tweeting my master plan! I'm so hot (hot damn!) Got some flames I'd like to fan. I'm so white (that's right!) If you're Muslim I'll pick a fight. I'm so white (that's right!) Mexicans had best take flight. Trade deal? I'll undo ya (whoo!) Refugees? Gonna screw ya (whoo!) Racists? I'm gonna woo ya (whoo!) 'Cause Dumb Down Trump gonna give it to ya! Don't believe him? Just watch! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Week 1118, "breed" two Triple Crown-eligible horse names: Carpe Diem x Royal Squeeze = Crappe Biem (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) "— Firing Line x Condo Commando = Scared Shortless (Jon Gearhart) "— Leave the Light On x Moon River = Motel Styx (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) *Week 1119, color names: Pepcobalt — It's supposed to be a bright blue, but it can go dark unexpectedly, sometimes for a week at a time. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Week 1122, "grandfoals": *Chat With Dentist x 2B Continued = Coming Extractions (Chris Doyle) "— GermanOfTheBored x Let My Pimple Go = Adolf Zzzzzitler (Nan Reiner) "— Helene a Handbag x Kiljoy Was Her = Drachma Queen (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) *Week 1125, truncated song titles:* [Ti]*ME IN A BOTTLE:* Jingle for the new neighborhood fertility center. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) *SIMPLE TWIST OF FAT*[e]: The Cruller Shop (Al Larsen, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) *Week 1132, fake military trivia: *The names of some Civil War generals have made their way into our vocabulary. They include Ambrose Burnside, who had impressive sideburns, and Rufus Hitshed, who was not a very nice guy. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) "— Before a recruit receives his dog tags, he must "mark" his bunk. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Week 1133, clerihews: Bob Dylan Put on tefillin To demand answers from God, then grinned When God said, "Zimmerman, have you checked with the wind?" (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) "— Alex Rodriguez Is big in the Major Leaguez. For 22 years he produced And juiced. (Kevin Dopart) *Week 1134, "air quotes":* Incen"diary": When your spouse reads what you wrote about old flames. (William Collinge, Gettysburg, Pa.) "— P"ass"ing interest: Just looking, dear. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Week 1140, good/bad name: Legoland is a good name for an amusement park but a bad name for a bereavement counseling center. (Jon Hensley, Arlington, Va.) *Week 1141, bank heads: * /Post head:/ Man suffers heart attack, tumbles from escalator at L'Enfant Plaza Metro station /Bank head:/ Train had arrived on time (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) "— Bowser, McAuliffe and Hogan endorse joint trade missions Mayor, governors first shared reefers, then chipped in for munchies (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) "— Why you can't call nuts, avocados, olives or salmon 'healthy' It's 'healthFUL,' carp grammar pedants (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Week 1144, repurposed brand names:* Prelude is a good name for a car, and also a good way to describe the first part of a date with Bill Cosby. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) "—Chico's is a good name for a women's fashion boutique, but a better name for a brand of underpants. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 4: our "Vowel Movement" contest. See bit.ly/invite1155. ====================================================================== WEEK 1157, published January 10, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1157: Clue us in — a backward crossword We give you the solution, you write the clues. Plus the winners of our paired-abbrevs. contest. Give us up to 25 creative clues for the words in this grid by The Post's new Sunday crossword guy. (GRID BY EVAN BIRNHOLZ AT DEVILCROSS.COM ) By Pat Myers January 7(Click here to skip down to the winners of Week 1153, to compare pairs of things that have the same 3-letter abbreviation) *BAR: Meeting hall for rabbis, priests and imams ESSEX: He won't accept that Esther's no longer into him* **Once again, it's our backward-crossword challenge. But for the first time, we're using a filled-in grid by Evan Birnholz , the brand-new constructor of The Post's Sunday crossword , replacing the late Merl Reagle . This one, though, is from Evan's own website, Devil Cross, on which there are dozens of free puzzles he created. This week: Supply clever, funny clues to up to 25 of the words and multi-word terms in Evan's grid,* as in the examples above. Yes, the grid has no numbers — we don't need them; just list each word along with your clue (if it's a multi-word or hyphenated term, please list it as one word anyway, so the Empress can search for all the entries with, say, SOISEE). The clues should be brief, but they need not be as short as for a real crossword. (Note: This is an American-style crossword, not the British type in which the clue contains an anagram of the desired word.) Of course, Evan's own clues are often clever as well; for FARMS he has "Places where there is real growth potential." See devilcross.com/2014/03 for the real clues. This week's second prize: If you're not assigned a yes-man at work, this nodding, fanning solar Buddha is your perfect desk accessory. (Brady Holt) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulous piece in our series of Solar-Powered Kitsch: It's a Buddha — brought back from Spain by Losers Roy and Inge Ashley — who nods and fans himself vigorously under the slightest sunshine or fluorescent light. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or the ardently desired "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our brand-new Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com /. Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 18; results published Feb. 7 (online Feb. 4). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1157" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest that was posted four weeks ago . . . No JOK, no INK: Report from Week 1153: Week 1153 was the third installment in our recurring contest in which we asked you to find two or more entities that have the same three-letter abbreviation — this time it had to be between IAA and LZZ — and compare or otherwise link them. The linking part proved a daunting challenge; even some of today's inking entries tread that fine line between Ingeniously Clever and Ridiculously Tortured. 4th place: *LBO:* If you Google "bowling pin" you could expect a link to the *Ladies Bowling Organization,* but you might not expect a link to large bowel obstruction.* (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) 3rd place: *JLO: Joint logistics operations and Jennifer Lopez: They both know how to move their assets around impressively. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 2nd place and the LP record of Spiro Agnew's speeches: *Indoor residual spraying has to do with bloodsucking insects . . . Oops, I can't think of any connection with any other*IRS.* (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *JAH:* Article in the Journal of Aboriginal Health: "Throwing Boomerangs in the Outback." Article in the Journal of Aging and Health: "Boomer Angst: Throwing Your Back Out." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Triply im-paired: honorable mentions If you engage in an initial public offering* you may end up selling a share, but if you engage in impersonating a police officer* you may end up sharing a cell. (Jeff Contompasis) *International Cheer Union* or Intensive Care Unit:* If you're a curmudgeon like me, it's a hard call which would be worse to visit. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) If the Israel Airports Authority and*Internet Alcoholics Anonymous *joined forces, they could call themselves El Al-Anon. (Chris Doyle) *International Association of Ministries and interest at maturity: Both promise a big payout when the end comes. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *The Iowa Caucus Process* x this year's candidates = Insane Clown Posse* (Jon Gearhart; Kevin Dopart, Washington) ** The International Police Association*, the*International Psychoanalytical Association* and the*International Phonetic Alphabet* all have their ways of getting you to talk. (As might*India Pale Ale.*) (Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) The*least significant digit adds nothing truly perceptible, whereas *lysergic acid diethylamide makes everything truly perceptible. Truly, truly perceptible. (Jeff Contompasis) *Indoor air quality* and infrequently asked questions:* "Do you mind if I fart?" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) The aim of the*Inflatable Boat Association* is to keep people out of the drink. Unlike the International Bartenders Association.* (George-Ann Rosenberg) **If those in the International Cablemakers Federation* don't do their job well, the International Cremation Federation will help pick up the pieces. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Curiously, it hasn't occurred to either the*Journal of Applied Physics* and the Journal of Applied Physiology* to seek advertising from Prada or Louis Vuitton. (Mark Raffman) The Journal for the Study of Religion and the Journal of Sex Research:* People who say "Oh God!" figure prominently in both. (Mark Raffman) The president whom John Wilkes Booth removed was succeeded by A. Johnson, while the wife of John Wayne Bobbitt* succeeded in removing a johnson. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) The*International Criminal Court deals with a wide range of crimes, while Maryland's Intercounty Connector* limits itself to highway robbery. (Jeff Contompasis) *LON:* Longitude* and Launch on Need:* Two things promised by ED drugs. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Letter of recommendation* and letter of reprimand:* "Certainly, Smathers, I'll be delighted to write you a heartfelt LOR." (Frank Osen) *Labor and delivery rooms* and long-distance relationships:* Stick with the latter to avoid the former. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.; Roy Ashley, Washington) The International Academy of Architecture* and the International Advertising Association:* Both depend on well-built models. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) The Kentucky Psychological Association* used to give discounts to the *Kinship Parents Association* but was overwhelmed by the number of requests. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 11: our obit poem contest to commemorate people who died in 2015. See bit.ly/invite1156 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1158, published January 17, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1158: What do you mean 'What are these things'? Tell us what they really are. Plus Tabby Road: top song parodies about animals. Well, yes, ordinary people will tell you they see an electric plug, a Lego piece, etc. But you aren't those people, right? (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers January 14(Click here to skip down to the winning song parodies about animals from Week 1154.) Above are various objects depicted by Style Invitational Quick-on-the-Draw Man Bob Staake. You know what they are — but if you are a True Loser . . . This week: Tell us what one or more of these objects /really /are.* As usual, you get to offer as many as 25 ideas among the various pictures. Be sure to identify the object by number. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of magnets that make our official Loser magnets seem prissy: One is labeled "Friend Request" and is a cartoon of a dog sniffing another dog's butt; the other says, "What happens at the dog park stays at the dog park" and shows two dogs behaving indiscreetly. Donated by Dave Prevar approximately 2 zillion years ago. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt, which we have in various models , mostly regifted. Honorable mentions get one of our Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 25; results published Feb. 14 (online Feb. 11). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1158" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. ^ The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *MEWSICAL COMEDY: THE ANIMAL-THEMED PARODIES OF WEEK 1154* In Week 1154 , inspired by cellist David Teie's music written for cats , we asked the Loser community to write songs to or about cats or other animals (we also accepted "by"), set to a familiar tune. We got a slew of terrific parodies of everything from "Home on the Range" to Theme A of Tetris, along with the more typical show tunes and Beatles songs. To hear the melodies, click on the links in the song titles. 4th place: *Sung by a cat: * /To "Put On a Happy Face" (video of Nan Reiner singing her song) / Human, it's time to get up! Work at a snappy pace! I'm getting more than fed up; you're a complete disgrace. Think you control this slinky loner? Ha! Don't make me laugh. Many a dog may have an owner, but cats, we have staff. Snap to attention, peon! Open the sliding door. No longer want to be on the side I was on before. I'll do this till you're blue in the face. Now work at a snappy pace! (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) 3rd place: /To "American Woman" / American Pharoah, it is such a shame, American Pharoah, they misspelled your name. The English teachers, they swear and curse, Say students' spelling's gonna get much worse. You've got more important things to see, I know you ain't thinkin' 'bout orthography. But Pharoah, listen what I say, American Pharoah, switch your O and A. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place and the Twinkle Tush joke "modesty gem" for cats: /To "Carry On Wayward Son") (start video at 1:24) / Ornithologists who study the vulture Want to fathom how they transmit their culture. They place recorders where they're nesting, They can hear the mama say: "Carrion, my feathered son! Eating roadkill — ooh, it's fun! When your food is dead it's best, Won't you try some more?" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Dr. Palmer's Blues* To "Sixteen Going on Seventeen "/from "The Sound of Music" / Orthodontists hadn't confronted you Till I took deadly aim. First I took pride in your homicide, But now I just take the blame. What a bungle out in the jungle to Shoot myself in the foot. All explanation's flossed in translation, Seems my repute's kaput. "ƒHow I'm abused and vilified for going on that hunt; "ƒMobs yell it's I who should have died, and that I'm just a very bad person. New adventures now involve dentures, No more the lion's roar. Tooth extraction's quite enough action. Big shot I'm not — just small bore. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) No's ark: honorable mentions *Pizza Rat * /To "Yesterday"/ Pizza Rat, you have gumption we all wonder at, When you find a slice, you grab it, stat, You've got resolve, O Pizza Rat. /(Bridge)/ Down the stairs you go, heading fo' the old subway; With your pizza slice, you'll eat nice, then eat all day. . . Pizza Rat, you don't care 'bout gluten or trans fat, Let's hope you don't meet a Pizza Cat, Please watch your back, O Pizza Rat. (Duncan Stevens) *Benji's at the Vet's * /To "Bennie and the Jets" / Hey, kids, Benji's feelin' icky. I think you fed him something. Well, I know that he ain't picky. We took him to the vet's, he tied himself in knots — The waiting room reminded him: here was where he'd gotten those shots. He started a panic in the other pets! Oh, they were so freaked out. B-b-b-b Benji at the vet's . . . (Max Gutmann, Cupertino, Calif.) *Two songs to"Be Our Guest": *Sung by mice: *He's our nest! He's our nest! We can happily attest His toupee is A-OK as the location we infest! It's so nice for us mice In this Trump-top paradise Where it's comfy and it's soft (and immaculately coiffed!) Parasites? Yes we are! But we don't come from afar, Meaning each of us is welcome as his guest . . . He'll never win the White House But he's our just-right house! He's our nest! He's our nest! He's our nest! (Mark Raffman) *Sung by wasps: *Flee our nest! Flee our nest! We won't treat you like a guest! If you see us, better keep your curiosity at rest! Shake our branch, lob a stone, Soon you'll hear a noisy drone; Though your arms are madly swinging, You're not stopping us from stinging! Every jab, every prick, Makes the torment add up quick Till you hope to suffer cardiac arrest! Our home's a painful venue; I advise that when you See our nest, flee our nest! Flee our nest! (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Unholy Matrimony * /To "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean" / A gnu and a fox started dating And moved to a homestead with views Where, needless to say, they were mating, And that's why we're stuck with Fox-Gnus. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *The Centipede's Song * /To"One" from "A Chorus Line"/ One hundred little footsies, That is how I got my name. One hundred little tootsies, Just a myth, all the same. Just count the pairs of the feet on my tiny bod: You won't get 50 — the number is always odd ! One thousand steps a moment, Think of all the steps I take! All the records I could break — on Fit . . . bit! One unprepossessing creature With a lot of just one feature: Legs are it! (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) *Mouse's Night Out* /To "Tonight" from "West Side Story" / //Tonight, tonight, I'll roam for cheese tonight, I'll scurry 'round your pantry to dine Tonight, tonight, some provolone tonight And those prints in the Edam are mine! Today, you found some of my droppings Beside your favorite toppings, And you recoiled in fright . . . I see a scrap Of cheese, and I don't see it's a trap . . . To-ni— (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Two to "You're the Top" : * * You're the Cat *You're the cat, you're the cutest kiddio, You could star in a most amusing video; You're one who never shows just what she thinks, You're a petty tyrant, a lion-aspirant, you're the Sphinx. You're the cat, you're a queen of dramas, You're the cat, you're your own pajamas! You step on me like I'm a welcome mat, So if, tabby, I'm your servant, you're the cat. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) *To a Woodworm* In you poured and ate all our flooring, Never bored by your ceaseless boring. I recall the yell when my wife Adele fell through! We're completely reeling — we have no ceiling because of you! Our new home was our crowning glory. Since you've been, it's a different story. You're a door that creaks, a tap that leaks, a pest, And we're feeling like our dresser: Blue. Distressed. Called the local exterminator. He arrived as a giant crater Opened deep and wide, as it occupied our hall. Seems you've done a number on all the lumber in every wall. Despite massively masticating, There's no sign of your greed abating. Though we've tried and tried each pesticide's no good. We just pray someday you're sated — knock on wood! (Stephen Gold) *Dog Foodie* /To "My Generation" / Back when I was just a pup (talkin' 'bout my Ken-L-Ration) From a can I'd love to sup (talkin' 'bout my Ken-L-Ration) 'Twas my favorite protein source. (talkin' bout my Ken-L-Ration) Who knew it was made of horse? . . . (Mark Raffman) *Whose "Kitty"? * /To "Soft Kitty," a running joke on "Big Bang Theory "/ Soft kitty, warm kitty, "Big Bang" stole our song. Lazy network, shady network, Wrong, wrong, wrong! — Ellen N. Chase and Margaret Perry (they're suing ) (Mary Kappus, Washington) *Anteater * /(To"Maneater" by Hall and Oates) / I only go out at night After seeing the ugly sight Of that great big nose hanging by my door; The big vermilingua With her wormy tongue, it's all primed and ready for more. Oh-oh, here she comes With her curvy claws to dig me up, Oh-oh, here she comes, She's a anteater "¦ (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Armadillo * /(To "Amarillo by Morning") / Armadillo, I'm warning, move out of this speed zone, All the hustle you ain't got just makes you accident-prone, Well, speed ain't your trait, and I know you'd hate To be hit by a car not slowed: Armadillo, I'm warning — armadillo, don't play in the road. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Two about the National Zoo's new baby panda: * /As sung by his mother, Mei Xiang (to "Yes Sir! That's My Baby"; Nan Reiner sings the parody here ) / Yes, sir, that's my Bei Bei, Put-Him-On-Display-Bei "" Yes, sir, that's my Bei Bei now! Who's my Bei Bei's daddy? Don't mean to be catty, But I don't know "" no way, no how. I was in heat, they were discreet, Gave me a treat, knocked me off my feet "" but kindly. Four months later, and a Squeeze "" Look! A tiny panda! Yes, sir, that's my Bei Bei now"¦ Bye-bye; you're passé, Bao Bao! (Nan Reiner) /(To "Broadway Baby" from "Follies")/ Oh, it's the panda Bei-Bei Looking cute on Panda Cam, Look at him, he's such a ham! We watch what he'll do. Ooooh! And in a few weeks, maybe, Following the scheduled plans, Bei-Bei gets to meet his fans Right there at the zoo. Whoooo!! Cute? Did I say cute? That's Bei-Bei's snoot, all fuzzy and black. Awwww, I think I saw He's waving his paw. I'm waving right back! Panda babies! Wish the parents would make more. Mating seems to be a chore. For babies to be born, oh, Make them watch a panda porno. What a great "Big Panda" show. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) ** Great Dane *(To "There Is Nothing Like a Dame" ) We've got "landmines" in the yard, we've got dog hair on the floor; We've got really ugly scratch marks up and down the kitchen door; We've got slobber on the furniture, our food bills are insane; What have we got? A new Great Dane"¦. There is nothing like a Dane, nothing in the world; Anyone with half a brain will buy anything but a Dane. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala., former Great Dane owner) *Our Feline Overlords* /(To Theme A of Tetris )/ We are the creatures in charge of the land; Humankind's a pine tree, we're the star. People toil; we lay down and coil In positions that Escher thought bizarre. Food's in our bowl at the time we demand Or we hassle them and never pause. Owners play with our fur and pray That we gift them with purrs instead of claws! "ƒThey are at our beck and call; "ƒWe've domesticated them all! (Matt Monitto) *Little Doo Scoop * /(to, duh, "Little Deuce Coupe" ) / Little doo scoop, it can cope with a lot. Little doo scoop, when a lot's what you've got. Well, I'm not draggin', Fluffy, not a bit down, I'm fine even though you've really gone to town And filled your whole box until it stinks to the sky 'Cause I have got the finest tool that my money could buy. It's my little doo scoop, oh the stuff it'll hold (My little doo scoop)— brown or gold, hot or cold. Just a little doo scoop with some skinny slats, It could handle what comes out of a dozen cats That gorge three times a day from a Friskies bag, And then go noshing on rodents and a People mag. It's my little doo scoop— thank your stars that it's here: Without this doo scoop, you'd be out on your ear. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Bunny* /(To "Sunny" ) / Bunny, yesterday my gut had only grain, Bunny, you helped me see how I could end my pain. Now I'm humming along like a horse with good hay And just like King Kong, you became my Fay Wray. Bunny, I love you — as rabbit stew. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) /(To "I Get a Kick Out of You")/ I get no kick from a brew; Beefeater's gin doesn't cause me to sin Or give me a spin of remorse, But I got a kick from a horse. He broke my femur in two, And that has led to a place that I dread: It's a hospital bedroom, of course, Since I got a kick from a horse. As here I lie with my bandaged thigh, there's something I must mention: For him to plot all the pain I've got was surely not his intention. I get no kick from the crew, Nurses who tend to me, help me to mend; this is not, friend, a trend I endorse, My getting a kick from a horse. (Mae Scanlan) /Weren't these parodies terrific? But there were many more inkworthy entries that deserve to be seen. The Empress will post them, one at a time, over the next week or so in the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook. / *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 18: clues for our backward crossword. See bit.ly/invite1157 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1159, published January 24, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1159: Think up a board game crazier than this real one Plus the winners of our contest to replace the vowels in a book/movie title to make a new one Wind or lose? This week's contest is to outdo in sheer amazingosity the actual game Ewww. Who Tooted? (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers January 21(Click here to skip down to the Week 1155 "Vowel Movement" results for altering book/movie titles) *"Ewww, Who Tooted? In this rip-roaring game of gassy good times, everybody gets a whoopee cushion-shaped controller to control the character's flatulence. When the controllers light up, only one person will 'toot' and the other players have to guess who did it! Can you keep a straight face, or will your friends know that YOU are the one Who Tooted? Requires 2 AAA batteries (not included)."* How better to say "Get the L over here" than with this metal sign, this week's second prize? (The Washington Post) The example above would be a great entry for this week's contest — come up with a funny/ridiculous board-type game and describe it — except that . . . the Empress simply copied it from theToys R Us website ; it's a real thing. (And yours for $22.99.) Loser Inger Pettygrove posted it on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook, prompting Loser Kristen Rahman to suggest it as a contest. Sounds like a plan. Entries shouldn't be longer than the description above (shorter could well be better). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a handsome 12-by-15 "Hello Loser" sign , complete with a debonair "Mad Men" kind of guy on it. We've been using it at the door at various Loser events; now's a chance to advertise your own home as a Loser-friendly site. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug, or one of various models of vintage Loser T-shirts. Honorable mentions get one of our brand-new Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 1; results published Feb. 21 (online Feb. 18). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1159" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Beverley Sharp; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *HAR REPLACEMENT: THE 'VOWEL MOVEMENT' WINNER OF WEEK 1155* In Week 1155 , *the Empress asked you to take the title of any book, movie, play or TV show, delete all the vowels, then put your choice of vowels back in — whichever and as many as you liked — to create a new work. Sometimes the result had only one different vowel; other times the new version looked nothing like the old. Numerous Losers suggested "The Farce Weakens." Let's call him Sheldon. Cheryl Davis picked him up in Myrtle Beach, and he was won this week by lucky Christopher Lamora, who, in a fit of decluttering, recently gave back his six first-prize Inker trophies. ( Cheryl Davis) 4th place: *"The Art of the Deal" "†' take out the vowels and get THRTFTHDL* "†' add vowels and get "I, the Rat Fathead, Lie":* Confessions of a demagogue. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) 3rd place: *"Annie Hall" "†' "Ennui Hill":* While sitting through endless congressional debates, two staffers make eye contact and find love. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) 2nd place and the jaunty shell sculpture of a conga player: *"The Interview" "†' "The Nature View":* Satire about two wildlife photographers who sneak across the DMZ to shoot an elusive North Korean cuckoo. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *"Much Ado About Nothing""†' "A Much-Eyed Booty in a Thong"*: Kim and Kanye play Beatrice and Benedick on Broadway. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) E: IOUA Magnet: honorable mentions *"Alice's Restaurant" "†' "Alec's Restraint":* Baldwin orders the diet plate, doesn't get everything he wants. (George-Ann Rosenberg) "*Emma" "†' "Ammo":* At the next theater over, an alternative for guys who've been dragged to see a chick flick. (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) *"The Hangover" "†' "The Hung Oeuvre":* A documentary exploring the male nude in statuary. (Steve Honley, Washington) ** "Chinatown" "†' "Chin Twin": Jay Leno meets a brother he never knew existed. (Paul Comstock, Lancaster, Pa., a First Offender) ** "Amadeus" "†' "Mad U.S.":* It's subtitled "The Making of the President 2016." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *"Big" "†' "Bag":* At a carnival, a 12-year-old girl makes a wish to be older. (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) *"Blazing Saddles" "†' "Blue Ozone Gas Doodles":* Estranged scientists come together as Earth's stratosphere comes apart. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) *"Bonanza" "†' "Bunnz":* A hunky father and his three hunky sons maintain excellent gluteal muscle tone through endless hours of horseback riding. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *"Candide" "†' "Cyanided":* Voltaire's story of an eternal optimist, updated: "If this is the best of all possible worlds, then . . ." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *"Chasing Amy" "†' "Aches Nag Me":* A going-of-age story. (David Friedman) ** "Love Story""†' "Elvis Eatery":* Oliver orders Jenny a peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwich, and boy is he sorry. (Chris Doyle) *"Masters of the Universe" "†' "Mis-tiaras of the Universe":* Starring Steve Harvey as Emcee-Man. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) ** "Eat Pray Love" "†' "Tip or Leave":* A woman learns two things the world wants most from Americans. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *"Taxi Driver" "†' "Tuxed Rover":* Story of an embittered, nihilistic, wandering penguin. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *"The Honeymooners" "†' "The Hiney Miners":* Adventures of a hospital colonoscopy team. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *"The Vagina Monologues" "†' "The Vegan Menu Logs":* A play in which A-list actresses rant for 2½ hours about their struggles to find tofu burgers. (Christopher Lamora) *"Titanic" "†' "Ta-ta on Ice":* Same movie. (Jesse Frankovich) ** "8mm""†' "8 Muumuu":* Detective Nicolas Cage is hired by a woman to hunt for a medium-size housedress that doesn't make her look fat. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *"High Noon" "†' "HGH! No! No!":* A missive from the Peyton Manning Fan Club. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.; Tom Witte) *"Bambi" "†' "Bambo": This stag is out for revenge. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *"Hook" "†' "Ahoy, Okay?" Peter Pan makes nice with a notorious pirate. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *"Hoosiers" "†' "He's Ours":* A basketball coach in rural Indiana employs ringers to help his team. "Shaquille? Oh, he just moved here in August . . . Mikey Jordan? Yeah, him too" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) ** "Gypsy" "†' "GPS": A stripper and her stage mother struggle to find themselves. (Brendan Beary) *"It Happened One Night" "†' "The Pope: Nude 'n' Naughty":* The film the Vatican wants to suppress. (Chris Doyle) *"Left Behind" "†' "Left by Honda":* As the Apocalypse nears, a group of believers miss the last ride to the Rapture when their Civic hatchback makes a wrong turn. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *"Network" "†' "Not War, OK?"* "I know we're mad as hell, but let's all just chill out." (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *"Pulp Fiction" "†' "Plop of Caution": This time, John Travolta's character doesn't leave his rifle outside the door while he does his business. (Mike Gips) *"Roger and Me" "†' "Our Ego Ruined 'Em":* A doc about Roger Smith and his city — and Michael Moore and his films. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) *"Scorpion" "†' "Is Crap, No?":* French hosts review all things American. (William Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.) *"Smokey and the Bandit" "†' "Smokey and the Bond-It":* A heap o' hoot'n trouble rollicks through the county when someone glues the sheriff's wheels to the pavement. (Barbara Turner) *"Stand by Me" "†' "Satan Aide Obama": Rush Limbaugh's book on how the president does the Devil's bidding. (Jesse Frankovich) *"Star Trek" "†' "Astro Trike":* No one wants to be the test pilot for the Enterprise's new "right-sized" shuttle craft. (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) *"The King and I""†' "The Kong and I":* In this legal drama, the Supreme Court upholds marriage between primates. (Howard Walderman) *"Toy Story" "†' "Toaster": In this heartwarming tale of a bagel's risky adventures with an English muffin, Pixar finds yet another way to make a lot of bread. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *"The Exorcist""†' "The Exercist": "Okay, give me 10 more head spins . . ." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) ** "Concussion" "†' "Concession":* The sequel the NFL will never make. (William Verkuilen) *"The Apartment" "†' "The Part Monty":* A rom-com dodges an X-rating. (Chris Doyle) *Still running — deadline Monday, Jan. 25: our contest to say what various common objects "really" are. See bit.ly/invite1158. ====================================================================== WEEK 1160, published January 31, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1160: A remeaning task — redefine an existing word Plus Dead Letters: the winning verses for our annual obit-poem contest The definition of "perplexed" as "lost in a movie theater" got ink in 1998; this week, can you redefine it or another word starting with P- through Z? (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers January 28(Click here to skip down to this week's winning verses about people who died in 2015) *Perplexed: Lost in a movie theater. (Michelle Feeley) *Rubberneckers: A couple practicing very safe sex.* (Ross Elliffe) *Willy-nilly: Impotent.* (Beth Benson) *Soda: Totally obvious to a teenager. (Mark Young) Back in 1998, the Invitational ran a contest for new meanings for actual words, yielding one of the most viral Invites ever (have you ever seen that list including "coffee: a person who is coughed upon" and "lymph: to walk with a lisp"? That was Week 266). We repeated the contest in 2004, drawing another fabulous set of results. Then again in Week 749, but just for the first third of the dictionary, and in Week 925, for the second third. It took a nudge from Invite legend Chris Doyle to remind the Empress that she never covered the rest of the alphabet: This week: Redefine an existing word or two-word term beginning with P through Z, as in the examples above from earlier contests. The definition should differ greatly from the original; it shouldn't be a cynical interpretation of the word's actual meaning. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two bottles of highly novel drinks: (a) Chocolate-Covered Maple-Smoked Bacon Soda — "breakfast in a bottle"; it is brown; and Leninade, very red soda with a hammer-and-sickle logo. "Join the Party!' Both donated by Michael Cotterman, a long-ago Invite prize-mailing flunky who is now a newsroom administrator, not to mention a punk bass player . *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt (possibly gently used). Honorable mentions get our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 8; results published Feb. 28 (online Feb. 25). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1160" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jeff Shirley; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . *POETRY IN MOTIONLESS: THE OBIT POEMS OF WEEK 1156* *Week 1156,* our annual Dead Letters (or Post Mortem) contest for poems about people who died the previous year, drew verses about not only the predictable Leonard Nimoy and Yogi Berra, but also the would-be robber of a German condom-dispensing machine, and a burglar who got stuck in the chimney. 4th place: *Jean Nidetch, founder of Weight Watchers:* Arriving in Heaven, Jean murmured a greeting, Then said to Saint Peter, "It's time for a meeting. I hope that you'll help me as I make the rounds, 'Cause each of your cherubs could lose a few pounds." (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) 3rd place: *Mohammed Emwazi, "Jihadi John": * Jihadi John read articles about Islamic State, And soon became converted to the joys of blood and hate. But now he's only particles. More pages won't be read. His state is not Islamic. It's just ultra, ultra dead. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) 2nd place and the "Fat of Python" and "Cobra Toxan" skin ointments: *Miami Dolphins kicker Garo Yepremian: *Higgledy piggledy, Garo Yepremian, Dolphins' ex-placekicker, Ceases to be. Unceremonious Fans of the Redskins, though, Jeered athis passing in '73. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Woman who accidentally killed herself while adjusting her bra holster ":* She got herself a push-up bra That had a single fatal flaw. It didn't just support her charms; This bra was meant for bearing arms. But holster bras should not be trusted, Since bras are always readjusted. Sad to say, dear gun-nut crazies, "Push up" now refers to daisies. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) Sorry for your loss: honorable mentions *Would-be burglar who got stuck in the chimney : * A burglar climbed to a rooftop; The chimney, he used as a door. He got stuck and nobody noticed Till the fireplace started to roar. He died, and this terrible story Has a moral that might make you flinch: Turns out 2015 was the year That Christmas stole the Grinch. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) *Anne Woods , "gurning" (funny-face) champion: *Anne Woods was a champion gurner, Whose facial contortions would earn her Both fame for the hideous scowls she could make And a coffin deliberately closed at her wake. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) *Lillian Vernon, catalogue mogul: *Lillian Vernon is gone but not buried — Oh, what a fiasco! Don't ask! It Seems nobody planned on the extra two weeks For a personalizable casket. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Leonard Nimoy: *Knockity Spockity, Half-Vulcan alien; Watched him on "Star Trek"; my Feelings were mixed; Right there in Hollywood (Incomprehensibly!), Why did he never go Get those ears fixed? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Comcast founder Ralph J. Roberts:* That solemn morning after he departed, I hope his friends and family didn't swoon While waiting for his service to get started Sometime between the hours of 8 and noon. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Burglar attacked by an alligator:* A Florida man was burgling a house — a non-law-abiding civilian. He fled from the scene, eluding the cops, but not so the town's crocodilian. He plunged in the lake and soon realized he'd chosen an ill-advised time. "What ho!" said the reptile. "A fortunate snack. I'll take a big bite out of crime." The homeowner's breathing more easily now; she'll suffer no further vexations. There won't be a trial; he had no defense for the serious alligations. (Nan Reiner) *Pet Rock creator Gary Dahl: *It had no cuddly fur and couldn't bark or purr; The only trick it knew was playing dead. Yet now, on certain days when ruin meets your gaze (A savaged running shoe or couch or bed), Or when it's 10 below and Fido has to go . . . Admit it: you would take Dahl's pet instead. (Melissa Balmain) *Don Featherstone, inventor of the plastic flamingo:* Don Featherstone thrills as he peers through the gates, Where a freshly mowed field of lush fescue awaits. The plastic flamingo clutched under his arm Will bring joy to the souls now bereft its charm. But there's good news and bad news to come from Saint Pete, Because God has a mission for Don to complete: Yes, he'll get into Heaven, but that's been deferred Till he first goes to Hell and gives Satan the bird. (Chris Doyle) *Don Featherstone,*it would have been fantastic If you had changed your name to Featherplastic. (Melissa Balmain) *Mario Cuomo* I'm sorry is no mo. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *John Nash,* the world-renowned mathematician, died; Left us too early but in recognition, I'd Put age of death on his graveside memorial: 10 squared times 2, plus 6, less 5 factorial. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Yogi Berra * American as apple pie or pasta primavera — Few people made their mark like paisan Lawrence Peter Berra. The three-time MVP who made our pastime so much fun Reminded us, "Keep trying! It ain't done until it's done!" But then at 90 Yogi said: "100? I can't make it: When someone sticks a fork in you, you really oughta take it." (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) *Culinary entrepreneur Chuck Williams *Chuck Williams showed us, with nary a doubt, All manner of stuff that we can't live without. Sets for fonduing and oils made with truffles, Cast-iron steamers and tablecloth ruffles, In mail order shopping I've got my diploma, A magna cum laude from Williams-Sonoma. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *James R. Dixon, authority on amphibians* Lest you think his claim to fame is dim, The white-lipped peeping frog is named for him. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Natalie Cole* When Natalie Cole Sang "Unforgettable" With her dad's departed soul , The stunt was a mite regrettable. Would Nat have looked askance? Listeners could only guess. Now she has the chance To ask him: No or yes? (Warren Clements, Toronto) *Jack Ely, "Louie Louie" singer:* Jack's life on Earth at last was spent; He sang "Me gotta go" — and went. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) At Jack Ely's funeral someone stood up; A sincere panegyric was read. "This eulogist's great!" raved one guest to another; "Though hell if I know what he said ." (Danielle Nowlin) *James Horner* Since "Titanic"composer James Horner is gone, Our spirits are sinking — his heart won't go on. (Jesse Frankovich) *Man who blew up a condom vending machine: Dear anonymous dimwit from Germany: what could be denser Than thinking it clever to blow up a condom dispenser? Being struck in the skull by the shrapnel was not your best move, But you won't reproduce, so the Darwin Awards would approve. (Brendan Beary) *Egyptian-born actor Omar Sharif *The gig here on earth has completed its run for the debonair Omar Sharif, So Gabriel flew down to greet him with news that his next journey wouldn't be brief. "Our wait list is lengthy; it might take a while to accomplish your heavenward slog, O — But trust me, 'twill feel like mere seconds compared with your voyage in 'Doctor Zhivago.' " (Nan Reiner) "Cairo's protesting,"" said Omar Sharif,* "About 'Funny Girl,' claiming we're getting too cozy." Barbra replied: "You think /you're/ getting grief? Take a look at this letter I got from Aunt Rosie!" (Chris Doyle) *The Jacka, Chinx Drugz, Ezkimo, Pumpkinhead, Hussein Fatal, MC Supreme, Young Ready, etc.:* Rappers met in heaven for a medley: For each, life wasn't silent, it was deadly. (Mark Raffman) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 1: Our contest for novel board or parlor games. See bit.ly/invite1159. ====================================================================== WEEK 1161, published February 7, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1161: Give us four Pinocchios with bogus political trivia Plus the winning clues for our backward crossword Stephen Douglas also famously said: "Look at that face? Would anyone vote for that?" (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers February 4(Click here to skip down to the winning crossword clues of Week 1157) *Stephen Douglas used the line "I know you are but what am I?" four times in his debate with Lincoln. (Jay Shuck) *Hillary Clinton has amassed a huge campaign war chest from monies freed from the accounts of Mrs. Sese Seko merely by paying administrative fees of only a few thousands of dollars US. (Jeff Contompasis) *Joe Biden once held his breath for 12 seconds. (Ira Allen) If you're just untruthy enough, this yuge book can be yours. See some inside pages in The Style Conversational at bit.ly/conv1161. Nine years ago, we combined two of our favorite contest genres in Week 739: (a) zings at politicians and (b) lies, usually in the form of bogus trivia. Since then, the candidates themselves have taken lying to a new level, not even bothering to fudge facts when they can just make up total wha??? untruths and proclaim them with confidence. So /we're /not going to feel bad about this week's contest: Tell us some false "facts" about politicians, present or past.* You can see the results of our first contest at bit.ly/invite743. Though we'll be rewarding a lie, winner still gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Honest Abe statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the brand-new Trump Coloring Book , in which artist M.G. Anthony depicts the potential president of the United States as an addition to Mount Rushmore, the face on a $1 million bill, and all four street-crossers on the "Abbey Road" cover. Donated to the Invite campaign chest by Denise Sudell. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt in various styles. Honorable mentions get one of lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 15; results published March 6 (online March 3). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1161" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thurdsay afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *YOUR HINT PARADE: THE CROSSWORD CLUES OF WEEK 1157* *In Week 1157 we presented a filled-in crossword by The Post's new Sunday crossword guy, Evan Birnholz, and invited you to come up with joke clues for the words. You have to think flexibly to get some of these: for example, many readers suggested that STAB was the patron saint of sit-ups, and that NETSALES concerned the beer selection at Brooklyn NBA games. See Evan's favorite clues in this week's Style Conversational (published late Thursday afternoon). See devilcross.com/2014/03 for Evan Birnholz's actual clues for this grid, and The Style Conversational for Evan's favorites among this week's clues. (GRID BY EVAN BIRNHOLZ AT DEVILCROSS.COM[DEVILCROSS.COM] ) 4th place: *BAR:* Both lawyers and drunkards need to pass this (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) 3rd place: *BEAT:* Follows "A: Get up" on a forgetful person's to-do list (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place /and the solar-powered Buddha: / *FARMS:* Rejected terser, saltier title of Hemingway's novel (hyphenated) (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *LIE:* Dead politicians continue to do this in their graves (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Fail in the blanks: honorable mentions *ABBA+MUSH:* Two-word review of "Fernando" (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) *MUSH: Goo, or Go! (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.) ** * RELAY:* When you truly can't eat just one (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *REAR*: Both Kim Kardashian and her fame rest on this (Kirsten Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) *REAR:* Talk like a pirate again (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *ONTO:* He rides with the One Ranger (Selma Ellis, Rolling Meadows, Ill.) *KINDERGARTENCOP: At nap time, who gets called when a child is resisting a rest (Barry Herman, Laurel, Md., a First Offender) ** FRILLS:* These days, legroom AND six mini-pretzels (Lena Webb, Somerville, Mass., a First Offender) *LOBE:* Stud's hangout (Donald Ramsey, Takoma Park, Md., a First Offender) *LOBE: Without it, you're earring-impaired (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) ** FARMS: A long-distance girlfriend (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) *EKE: The middle of a weekend (Kevin Dopart, Washington) ** OMIT: Nike's new yoga-wear slogan: Just __ __ (Ben Aronin, Washington) *NETSALES: Dumb way for the Flying Wallendas to make a little money (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) *PLESSY: Full of pless (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *PLESSY: X + Y = P. Solve for X. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *WEIRDO: Yankovic's blood type (Frank Osen) *WEIRDO:* That slashy letter the Danish use (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.) ** * TYRIONLANNISTER:* Like life: nasty, brutish and short (Jeff Loren, Seattle) *AINT:* What's left when paint starts peeling (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *BERG:* What Dan Snyder told Kirk Cousins not to do (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) ** ESSEX*: The most contorted position in the Kama Sutra (Peter Boice, Rockville, Md.) *SIDING:* Contributing something to Thanksgiving dinner (Kevin Dopart) *SIDING: In Barcelona, the answer to "Does that bell make a sound?" (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *EYESORE:* Sty or stye (Lena Webb) *EYESORE:* Gloomy donkey's ugly brother (Brendan Beary) ** ROBS: What there's too many of as soon as Schneider shows up in a movie (Steve Honley, Washington) ** COLDSNAP:* "See, there's no global warming . . . " (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *ARGUE:* What pirates say in a cussing match (Jon Gearhart) ** * * BEAT:* What Miss Philippines did to Miss Colombia, and what Miss Colombia should have done to Steve Harvey (Danielle Nowlin) *FATES+WEIRDO:* The word "SO" in Comic Sans (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) *SIRED:* Fourth choice at a sperm bank (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.) *ARTFORMS: Creative tax returns (Tom Murphy, Bowie, Md.) *ARTFORMS: Greenwich Village version of "[stuff] happens" (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) *PORN:* Field of employment where openings appear often but are quickly filled (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *ERIES: Drunken Clevelanders might see two or three of these (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) ** UNCLEREMUS: Remove the cleremus (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) ** STOLEAKISS: Item on an expensive call girl's price list (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *TETE:* It was on the cutting edge in 1789 (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 8: our contest to redefine an existing word. See bit.ly/invite1160 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1162, published February 14, 2016 Wrydentification: The Style Invitational asked what these items 'really' were Plus this week's new contest, Week 1162: Write some Onion-style headlines REPORT FROM WEEK 1158: Four weeks ago we asked the Loser community to explain to us what these objects were. See the winners below. By Pat Myers February 11 at 11:26 AM(Click here to skip down to this week's new contest for Onion-type headlines.) *In Week 1158 the Empress showed you Bob Staake's straightfoward depictions of seven everyday objects, and asked what they "really" were. Amazingly, nobody patiently informed her that they showed a Lego piece, a padlock, etc. 4th place: /Picture 5:/ I still don't understand quite how it happened, but my wife bought one of these for $8.95 and it ended up costing me $3,000. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 3rd place: /Picture 3:/ Starting in 2018, all cigarette lighters will be required to contain water faucets as a safety measure. (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) 2nd place and the slightly off-color dog-theme magnets: /Picture 2:/ The "2001" monolith reaches puberty. (Edward Gordon, Austin) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /Picture 4: /Fisher-Price execs still insist their "Little Exorcist People" would have been a hit, if only the priest's head hadn't kept falling off. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Drawn; out: honorable mentions *PICTURE 1* 45-degree rotation reveals how Edvard Munch achieved his subject's expression: inserting two hacksaw blades into the head. (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.) As the Grim Reaper dives onto the Slip'N Slide, he realizes he should have left his scythe at home. (Lewis Lesansky, Burke, Va.) Look at that face. Who would vote for that? (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) Shaman mask: Seers from our tribe are traditionally blind. Few begin this way. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) New federal energy conservation program: an adapter that looks at you reproachfully when you plug something in. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *PICTURE 2* **Under Armour's new sports bra for cats. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) A 1-million-times magnified view of a Lego atom. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfaxt Station, Va.) Training bed-of-nails for a novice mystic. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Sheila was so anal-retentive that, even under a microscope, her hives lined up. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.) That's clearly a boatload of ISIS terrorists claiming to be Syrian refugees. And our weak president will stupidly let them in! -- D. Trump (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Minecraft Menorah. (Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) Conjoined quadruplets at a wet-T-shirt contest. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) These shape-shifting aliens blend in with your children's toys, coming out at night to attack the unsuspecting feet of parents, their dreaded enemies. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) My First Little ICBM launch complex. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) This was the first Lego piece ever created — but no one knew what to do with it. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Contents of the Clinton commode after the release of the latest Sanders poll numbers. (Danielle Nowlin) *PICTURE 3* **Hillary Clinton's lock on the nomination. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) NSA seal of approval for privacy software (Bob Clifford, Brookeville, Md., a First Offender) This minimalist vanity looks okay, but when I turn on the faucet, half the water spills over the side. (Frank Mann, Washington) Quasimodo's most beloved toy was a jack-in-the-box. (Mike Gips) *PICTURE 4* Marked with the Michigan government's seal of approval, it's a bottle of genuine Flint water. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) After she applied the tester to her release valve, the indicator revealed that Mrs. 3PO could expect a sequel. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) **The Vati-Can, for the disposal of used holy water (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) Some stupid pirate buried his treasure near the top of this missile silo. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) The pope's ChapStick.(John Ramos, Duluth, Minn.) ** PICTURE 5* ** *Bryce Harper's hair gel applicator. (Larry Carnahan, Arlington, Va.) The Williams-Sonoma Artisanal Basting Tool is now offered at the reduced price of $79.95. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Writing implement preferred by Trump's speechwriters. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) **Porcupine bristles on a stick were never a big snack at the fair. (Konrad Schwoerke, Durham, N.C.) Looking down, Julie couldn't remember why Kid from Kid n' Play was delivering her baby. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) Pepperidge Farm's sales plummeted when it introduced hybrid goldfish/jellyfish crackers. (Mike Gips) Spatula from the Ruffles potato chip factory. (Kevin Dopart) *PICTURE 6* Martian life discovered flattened under rover's tire! (Mark Spencer, Waldorf, Md.) Tom Brady's watermelon. (Danielle Nowlin) A giraffe buried in the snow. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) The giraffe slug: Slow. No neck to stick out. Leaves a trail of slime. The perfect political party mascot. (Mascot of their political party.) (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) My dry, cracked upper lip after I shoveled my driveway for three hours. (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) Coordinated toilet, urinal and faucet handles at the Jimmy Carter Presidential Library and Museum. (Ivars Kuskevics) Bigfoot is evolving! He's got sneakers! (Danielle Nowlin) *PICTURE 7* Lot's lesser-known concubine, who was turned into a pillar of pepper. (Jon Gearhart) Grace Jones in the unfortunate "Spanx incident" (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) The sad result of a grease fire at a White Castle. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Minnesota's Tom Grotting augmented his installations of frozen pants with frozen evening gowns. (Sylvia Betts) *Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest for bogus "facts" about politicians. See bit.ly/invite1161 .* And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . . *NEW CONTEST FOR WEEK 1162: AN 8-YEAR RE-ONION *Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death Row Appeals Process *Super Bowl Halftime Show Marred by Functioning Sound System* *Man Who Saw 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' 6 Times Over Holidays Thought It Was Pretty Good (All from the Onion, Feb. 9) Back at the end of 2008, we paid homage to (i.e., shamelessly dropped the name of) the Onion , the satirical newspaper nonpareil, and invited Style Invitational readers to imitate what the Onion does best: to write fictional headlines that tell a joke brilliantly in themselves; in fact, the articles accompanying them sometimes read like afterthoughts. The Onion's pages (since our previous contest, they've moved entirely online) feature two basic types of fake-news stories: satire about people and events that are actually in the news, and the depiction of some laughable ordinary behavior by some ordinary guy as a straight news story. Eight years ago, the Loser Community channeled the Onion to gain the usual valuable prizes; the Week 794 results included such headlines as "Striving for Change, Ford Introduces Hybrid Edsel" (Bill Gee); "Boy Didn't Really Stay Up All Night at Sleepover, Friends Say" (Jean Sorensen); and ""Š'Gave 110%' Passed Over Again by Cliche Hall of Fame" (Art Grinath). Let's do some more. This week: Write a fictional Onion-type headline,* as in the examples above. It can be on any subject, but it has to be funny on its own, without a story or any other explanation attached. It can't have been published somewhere else. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives "Ideal Marriage: Its Physiology and Technique," a book written in 1926 by one Th. H. Van de Velde, M.D. (this is a 1959 printing). It is, if you notice the hint in the subtitle, a 300-page sex manual; some of the advice is fairly modern (men, do /not/ have sex with your unaroused wife); however, when it comes to "bucco-lingual contact with the genitals," Dr. V de V strongly insists that there is just too much "base ugliness" for the wife to give, rather than receive, the "genital kiss." *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt, each with a Bob Staake design. Honorable mentions get one of our coveted Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 22; results published March 13 (online March 10). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1162" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Nan Reiner. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . ====================================================================== WEEK 1163, published February 21, 2016 Spell "skrod" backward — i.e., in the right direction — and you get this species of weakfish. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers February 18 *SKROD: Fish that are always swimming upstream. /(Tom Witte, winner of Week 545, 2004)/ *ATNAS: The man who bears the weight of the entire American economy on his shoulders.* /(Tom Witte, winner of Week 684, 2006)/ It's one of our simplest, most elegant neologism contests ever — and we haven't done it in almost a decade. And only twice in all. This week: Spell a word, name or phrase backward and define the result in a way that relates to the original, as in the examples above. The Empress doesn't plan to give ink to entries that repeat the ones she ran in 2004 and 2006; you can check those results at bit.ly/invite549 and bit.ly/invite688 . (You can use the same word that's been used, but the definition must be significantly different.) And yes, Tom Witte still enters the Invite almost every week, as he has since Week 7 in 1993. The man's a 24/7 neologism factory, which is the primary reason he has almost 1,400 blots of Invite ink. But just like you, he can submit only 25 entries this week — and I promise to run more than 25 entries in the results. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a lovely brand-new barbecue apron promoting the use of spice rubs on large cuts of meat; it bears the slogan "Wanna Rub My Butt?" It's of generous length and no doubt effective in keeping your clothes clean, but the Empress reports that trying it on produced no takers. Donated by Loser Jon Gearhart. Another in our series of Prize Garments You Probably Shouldn't Wear to Religious Services, this barbecue apron. (Mark Holt) *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug, a vintage Loser T-shirt, or something from the Mystery Box. Honorable mentions get one of lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 29 (how often can we say that?); results published March 20 (online March 17). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1163" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead was suggested by both Beverley Sharp and Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *THE GAME OF LAUGH: REPORT FROM WEEK 1159: Week 1159 we asked you to suggest ideas for novel board or parlor games that would be even more noteworthy than a real game called Eww, Who Tooted?, in which players make artificial farts with little tooters. Numerous political games involved playing — or being stuck with — the Trump card. "ƒ Loser Drew Bennett wrote in about another real game, one that seems to delight his granddaughter. It's called Gooey Louie; the package exhorts tykes to "Put Your Finger Up His Nose and Try To Pick a Winner!" If the kid extracts the wrong gooey booger, poor Louie's head pops open and his brain flies out. "ƒ This outgrosses the best grossout efforts of Lilly Welsh (the Acne game to pop giant artificial zits) but does fall one step short of Roy Ashley's Taste My Booger (you don't want to know the details). 4th place: *Name That Snowstorm:* Pass the time when nature buries you alive by coming up with names that are just as clever as "Snowmaggedon" et al. Just pick two or more word cards and combine the results: Blizzard + Disaster? Blizzaster! Or Disastard! Snow + Apocalypse + Doomsday? Snowpocaloomsday! Blizzard + Armageddon + Apocalypse? Blizzmagelypse! Seconds of fun for the entire family. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 3rd place: *The Game of Loaf: Unionists, welfare mothers, ex-hippies and liberal professors loop around a game board, growing fat on Washington handouts and avoiding gainful employment, while hardworking Americans from the heartland suffer confiscatory taxation by the federal government. — T. Cruz, American heartland (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) 2nd place /and the metal "Hello Loser" sign : / GOP SlapDaesh:* A sophisticated game of military strategy. Players compete to destroy ISIS by drawing cards marked "Carpet-bomb them ," "Make the sand glow in the dark ," "Kill every one of the bastards " and "Bomb the s--- out of them ." Release date November 2016; revised version expected by February 2017.(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Klu:* Mr. Black did it. Game over. (Dion Black, Washington) No dice: honorable mentions *One-AARPsmanship:* Players move pieces around a board whose squares are marked with parts of the anatomy. They score points for recounting in painstaking detail the diseases, operations, medications and just plain aches and pains they've had with that body part. The winner is the last one to fall asleep. (Chris Doyle) *The Game of No-Life:* Land on "Saturday Night" and the card reads: "Watch reruns of 'Love Boat' while you do your nails that no one will see." On "Birthday" it says, "Break out that frozen Georgetown Cupcake you've been saving all year." Winner? It's solitaire, of course. (Frank Mann, Washington) *The Game of Life — and Death: And you thought your spouse took a long time coming up with moves in Scrabble! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Reconnect for . . . ? :* In this game you go through your Facebook friends list and try to figure out why you accepted a request from that person who was a jerk to you in high school. (Dion Black) *So You Think You Can Lance:* In this specialty version of Operation, precisely cut and drain gel-pack abscesses and boils without contaminating or damaging other body parts. Losers have to fill out the Medicare CMS-1500 claims form. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *HardScrabble:* Just like ordinary Scrabble, but before you take a turn, you have to solve a calculus problem, drop and give 10, then juggle three of your tiles. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *Crab:* Like Scrabble, but it's all four-letter words. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Doin' Time:* When you land on "Go to Jail" in Monopoly, you Do Time on this supplemental board: you can become pruno king, join a gang, even get conjugal visits. Try to avoid being shanked or becoming someone's prag. When you land on "Overcrowding — Early Release," it's back to real estate dealings. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *M.C. Escher's Chutes and Ladders:* Roll the dice and find yourself either exactly where you started or lost in another dimension. An eternity of fun! (Frank Mann) *Existential Pursuit:* The game board is nothing but blank squares. Choose any square to start from. Roll the dice. Move your game piece any number of squares, in any direction — what's the difference? Roll again. Repeat forever. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *North Korean Checkers:* Unanimously considered by far the greatest game of all time! Invented, manufactured and distributed by the Champion of the World and Still Undefeated Supreme Leader! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Futile Pursuit:* A version of Risk reduced to the Middle East, although any country can play. Contestants fight each other randomly until something bad happens, at which point they continue fighting until something really bad happens. Nobody wins, but another game starts right up. (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) *Whac-a-Pol: Try to be the quickest at making America great again by knocking all the pols back into their dark, dank state-holes. Always a bipartisan party favorite. (Kevin Dopart) *Benyahtzi:* Roll the dice and hope for the best. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Call of Doody: Suspenseful action game in which "parents" race to get toddlers onto potties before time, among other things, runs out. (Richard Friedman, Indianapolis) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 22: our contest for Onion-type headlines. See bit.ly/invite1162 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1164, published February 28, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1164: 'Wait' for us— write a multiple-choice trivia question Like the ones on NPR's comedy/quiz show. Plus winning redefined words. Was it Answer B that really happened with Saran Wrap? Wait, wait, we'll tell you below. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers February 25 at 10:45 AM(Click here to skip down to the winning redefinitions of real words) *A "Wait Wait . . . Don't Tell Me" question to Chance the Rapper on the topic of . . . wrap: */Sometimes Saran Wrap can save the day — as when what happened last year in Chile?/ */a. A mugger on the street was captured by bystanders and held by wrapping him to a lamppost naked with Saran Wrap./ */b. A man was saved from a house fire when he jumped into a makeshift Saran Wrap net./ */c. A desperate surgeon used Saran Wrap instead of a skin graft, creating the world's first transparent man./ The Empress has a hunch that more than a few Style Invitational fans also listen to "Wait Wait . . . Don't Tell Me," the weekly NPR program that's a cross between a current-events quiz show and the Algonquin Round Table, starring host Peter Sagal and a rotating panel of quick-quipping wits. In one of the show's recurring comic quizzes, called Not My Job — "the game where we ask very cool people about very lame things" — Sagal presents a celebrity guest with a Ridiculous but True piece of recent news or other trivia along with two related Ridiculous but Untrue ones, like the question above. (Chance the Rapper, by the way, correctly guessed A on a show that was rerun last weekend.) Which brings us to this week's contest,* which was suggested repeatedly by the Royal Consort until the Empress gave in. We admit it's a challenge, but we have faith (or at least hope) in both the trivia-finding and comedy-writing skills of the Loser Community: *Compose a multiple-choice question about a Ridiculous but True fact or event, with two entertaining wrong answers as well as the right one. One of the two wrong answers may be obviously untrue as long as it's funny.* We're not going to independently research the veracity of your Real Thing, so you'll need to show us a reasonably believable source for your RBT fact. And you will, of course, tell the Empress the correct answer. You can hear and read lots of other "Wait Wait" quizzes by clicking on the link at npr.org/programs . *AND YES YES! "Wait Wait" panelist Roxanne Roberts, the longtime Washington Post feature writer (and news quiz whiz, and even an occasional Invite Prize Donor), has agreed to choose some favorite entries from among the finalists. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an airline barf bag decorated with the word for vomit in numerous languages, brought back (unused) from New Zealand by Loser Elden Carnahan, just in time for the upcoming slew of prime-time campaign commercials. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug, a vintage Loser T-shirt, or something from the Mystery Box. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short," or a Mystery Box item. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, March 7; results published March 27 (online March 24). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1164" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle, as is the honorable-mentions subhed. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *THE PUNABRIDGED DICTIONARY: REPORT FROM WEEK 1160* In Week 1160 we asked you to come up with a totally different definition for an existing word (this time the word had to start with P- through Z-). Funny but suggested too frequently: ZEBRA* as a garment too big even for Dolly Parton; REMEMBER* is what the surgeons did to John Bobbitt. Some of the entries below require you to pronounce the word differently — e.g., read THEME* as THE ME. 4th place: *PITUITARY:* So foul-tasting you have to spit it out. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 3rd place: *SCATTERBRAIN:* A typical stage direction in a zombie movie. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) 2nd place and the bottles of red Leninade and chocolate/maple/bacon soda: *STUD POKER:* Personal protective device to ward off conceited suitors. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *PERMUTATION:* How Chernobyl Fried Chicken offers refunds. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) A semiglossary of honorable mentions *POTHOLE:* An obnoxious stoner. (Andrea Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass.) *OPAL:* A friend with benefits. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *PAGEANT:* An insect found squashed inside a book. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) *QUIBBLE:* Pet food for finicky eaters. (Frank Osen) *TYPEFACE:* The result of falling asleep at your keyboard. (Ben Aronin, Washington) *YO-YO:* Greeting between friends. (Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring, Md.) *WEEKEND:* How workers feel by Friday. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *WOMBAT:* Oh, it's somewhere between the rib cage and the bellybutton. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *ZIP CODE:* Omerta. (Howard Walderman) *TESTICLE:* "Answer These 10 Questions to See if You Are a Real Man" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *TESTICLES:* A Greek philosopher noted for his sensitivity. (Thor Rudebeck, Chicago, a First Offender) *SHERIFF:* Approval under certain conditions. (Mike Kozubek, Chicago, a First Offender) *PAPAYA:* A female sailor known for consuming great amounts of canned fruit. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) ** PC:* A kiddie pool. (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) *PALEONTOLOGY:* The study of Irish people. (Danielle Nowlin) *UNDERPANTS:* Fails to show sufficient excitement. (Brendan Beary) *PEACH FUZZ:* Police recruits. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *UNDERSTUDY:* Preparing to fail by failing to prepare. (Mark Raffman) *THEME:* The Donald's favorite topic. (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Tom Witte) *PARSNIP:* The act of lowering one's golf score on the scorecard. (Chris Damm) *PERCHERON:* To carefully place a small object. "That vase is fragile; could you percheron the back of the shelf?" (Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario) *PERDITION:* The most expensive way to pay for your Washington Post. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *PERSEVERING:* How a divorce lawyer charges. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *PERUSE:* How Your Mama charges. (Frank Osen) *STARBUCKS:* Rudolph and Bambi. (Jim Exnicios, Manassas, Va.) *WARDEN:* The Pentagon. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) *PIRACY:* Rated XXX.14. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *ZUCCHINI:* A leopard-print swimsuit. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *RODENT:* A nasty pothole. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) *RADISH:* Really ultra-super phenomenally awesome, sorta. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *SYCOPHANT:* Prehistoric pachyderm also known as the brown-nose mammoth. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *PENCHANT:* "Attica! Attica! Attica!" (Gerald Diamond) *PRIUS:* From ancient times, i.e., before we were born. — Merriam-Webster, Tween Edition (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *PLASTERBOARD:* A cocktail menu. (Gary Crockett) *TOY:* A deadlocked game between the New York Giants and New York Jets. (Mark Raffman) *TWIST:* A night in a motel with Elmer Fudd (Mark Raffman) *YESHIVA:* What you do when your Hebrew school keeps the thermostat too low. (Brendan Beary) *WRECKAGE:* The Terrible Twos. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) *WALLOP: What Trump wants to put between the United States and Mexico. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *WATERTIGHT:* Closer than regular friends, though not as close as blood brothers. (Danielle Nowlin) *WHIPPOORWILL:* Torture choice: 50 lashes or five hours of Shatner's Priceline commercials. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) *SPOTLIGHT:* Diet dog food. (Joanne Free) *VIOLATIONS:* String arrangements that muck up so many Beatles recordings. (Larry Gray) *TENDRIL:* What you need to do regularly at West Point. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *TATAMI:* Oft-heard request at a strip club. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) *SUPERVISE:* Vat Kant and Hegel were. (Jesse Frankovich) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 29: Our contest for spelling words backward. See bit.ly/invite1163 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1165, published March 6, 2016 We're looking for neologisms like "Sousaphobe" — in which you add or substitute B's in an existing word to create a new one. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers March 3(Click here to skip down to the winning fake political trivia from Week 1161.) *Sousaphobe: "Ides, nothing "" just beware anything with a march."* *Bransportation: the process of creating effective movements.* *Seismolobby: A PAC for all the serious movers and shakers.* A thousand inks, huh? Well, where's the ball? Brendan Beary with Milo. See this week's Style Conversational for a collection of Brendan's best Invite-winning poems and other entries. (By Terri Griest) **With his three blots of Style Invitational ink in this week's results, Brendan Beary of Great Mills, Md., splashes past the 1,000-ink mark into that exclusive off-the-deep-end pool that includes just four other Losers in our 23-year history. Brendan, a 54-year-old civilian "deputy something-or-other" at the Pax River naval base in Southern Maryland, started entering the Invite back in 1996, getting a blot of ink here and there like a normalish person for several years, until he zoomed from eight inks in Year 10 to 113 in Year 11. Brendan went on to score the most ink ever in a single year — a ridiculous 179 blots in 2005-06 — before dialing it back to something a bit closer to sanity, but continuing to make regular appearances in the Losers' Circle every year, racking up 36 wins and 98 runners-up, including this week's fourth place. As Brendan joins Russell Beland, Chris Doyle, Tom Witte and Kevin Dopart in the Double Hall of Fame, he's opted to accept the Empress's "award" she's offered to these milestoners: to serve as a guest judge for a week, and to choose the contest he'll be judging. We assumed that Brendan, a published poet and an ink-snarfer in umpteen verse contests, would want to judge poems, but instead he chose a neologism contest modeled on the K-themed one that Kevin judged in 2014: Change a word, phrase or name by adding one or more B's, and/or by replacing one or more letters with B's, and define your new term,* as in Brendan's examples above. The E will send Mr. B a list of all the week's entries minus any identifying or personal information; he won't know whose work he chose until we publish it here. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the latest in Loser Barbara Turner's creations made from old Loser T-shirts. In past years she made two dresses; this year Barbara's stitched together several Invite shirts with others to make a great length of multicolored fabric you wrap around yourself — it's called the Sorry. THE thing to wear to the Losers' Flushies awards May 21 . (Photo below.) *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com ./ Deadline is Monday night, March 14; results published April 3 (online March 31). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1165" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was submitted by Chris Doyle, Danielle Nowlin and Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results; this week the E will offer some of Brendan Beary's Greatest Hits among his 1,000 inks. Especially if you plan to enter Week 1165, check it out at bit.ly/conv1165 . And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . Wrap yourself in Loserific glory with the custom-made Sorry, this week's second prize. Its creator, Barbara Turner, can show you how to wrap it better than the Empress managed. (Mark Holt) *A super PAC of lies: Report from Week 1161*: In Week 1161 we asked for bogus "facts" about politicians. This season, the following list might be the only bigger collection of lies than a debate transcript. 4th place: More a fan of football than baseball, President Truman annually attended Redskins' home openers to throw out the first interception. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 3rd place: Bernie Sanders's high school debate coach was slightly hard of hearing. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 2nd place and "The Trump Coloring Book" : Marco Rubio takes frequent water breaks to cool his CPU. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: To add some levity to his second inauguration, President Clinton added "in bed" under his breath to the phrases he repeated taking the oath of office. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) What lies beneath! Honorable mentions When young Hillary Rodham passed secret notes to friends in class, she kept copies in an open jar on her desk. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) "Caucus" is a Latin term for "small gathering of white people." (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) Although George H.W. Bush did not know it at the time, Willie Horton was a registered Republican. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Bernie Sanders decided to run for president after discovering that an anagram of "Hillary Clinton" is "I'll cry a lot in NH." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Before inventing hip-hop, Alexander Hamilton played both calypso and reggae music as a youth in the Caribbean. (Dave Letizia, Alexandria) Ben Carson actually can perform brain surgery in his sleep. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Calvin Coolidge did not take the oath of office at his inauguration in 1925; instead, he had the Chief Justice read it in full, then replied, "What he said." (Brendan Beary) Cletus P. Harvey, father of Steve Harvey, was the Chicago Tribune Linotype operator who printed the "Dewey Defeats Truman" front page in 1948. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Despite a subpar Super Bowl, write-in votes lifted Cam Newton to a third-place finish in the South Carolina primary. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Donald Trump moonlights as a male protestant. (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.) Feeling that the game was rigged, young Bernie Sanders tried to get each of the three-card monte players in Brooklyn broken up into three one-card monte players. (Gary Crockett) Carly Fiorina's claim to have been class valedictorian is true; however, she was home-schooled. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Ben Carson's childhood home is a converted grain silo. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Bill Clinton once had sex with Hillary Clinton in the White House. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Following Ted Cruz's reading of Dr. Seuss on the Senate floor, Donald Trump tweeted: "I'm going to ban the Star-Belly Sneetches ." (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) John Ellis Bush's nickname as a kid was "!" (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) John Nance Garner's famous quote about the vice presidency "not being worth a bucket of warm spit" was inspired by an inaugural gift from his brother-in-law. (Jamie Martindale, McLean, Va.) On quiet nights in the White House, FDR loved to put baseball cards in the spokes of his wheelchair and have an aide push him through the halls at full speed. (Brendan Beary) Rahm Emanuel gargles with soap every morning, but it doesn't help. (Mark Raffman) To distance himself from the Russians, Richard Nixon changed his dog's name from Chess to Checkers. (Edward Gordon, Austin) Though he doesn't cultivate an image of an intellectual, Donald Trump has a vocabulary of nearly 800 words. (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) Showing fiscal restraint, Ben Carson proposed building a wall only around New Mexico. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) President James Garfield had a morbid fear of cats. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) Sarah Palin once gave an off-the-cuff response in the form of a complete sentence containing three relevant subordinate clauses. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Sen. Barry Goldwater's real first name was Barack, too (Brendan Beary) Furious about Ted Cruz's "New York values" gibe, Donald Trump tweeted: "Stupid Cruz accuses me of having values! Rediculous loser!" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) The Washington Monument has one stone for every place George Washington is known to have slept. It continues 150 feet below ground level. (Steven Litterst, Newark, Del.) Richard Nixon's campaign staff had to talk him out of a plan to adopt his own version of Eisenhower's signature slogan, "I Like Ike." (Mark Raffman) *And Last: Working as a duo, Bernie SANDERS and his Loser pal (Jim LUBELL, Portland, Ore.) have rung up more than 1,500 inks in The Style Invitational under the anagrammatic pseudonym RUSSELL BELAND . (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, March 7: Our contest for "Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me"-style trivia questions. See bit.ly/invite1164 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1166, published March 13, 2016 The Washington Post Style Invitational Week 1166: Questionable Journalism, plus winning Oniony headlines Our perennial contest to reinterpret sentences from Washington Post articles "A. It was a no-brainer, he said. Q. Why did the zombie send back his restaurant meal?" Mark Raffman's example for this week's contest. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers March 10(Click here to skip down to this week's winning Onion-style headlines) *A. It was a no-brainer, he said. /(The Washington Post, March 7) / Q. Why did the zombie send back his restaurant meal? /(Mark Raffman)/ The Evolution Eraser: Finish second and rub out humanity. Or at least simianity. (Sausalitoferry.com) *A. At least it did on Friday night, when the Washington Concert Opera brought it to Lisner Auditorium.* /(The Post) / *Q. Is Koko the Poo-Flinging Monkey always going to pick the worst time to misbehave?* /(Brendan Beary)/ *A. "It's not nearly as complicated for us as it is for him."* /(The Post)/ *Q. When asked to remove their heads from their posteriors, what did two of the three Republican front-runners reply?* /(Marni Penning Coleman)/ This perennial Style Invitational contest — we've run it at least 10 times since 1998— has never failed us. This week: Take a sentence (or most of a sentence) that appears in text (not a headline) in The Washington Post or on washingtonpost.com dated March 10-21* and make up a question that the sentence could answer,* as in the examples above from earlier this week; the Empress solicited them in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. If you're using print stories, include the date and page number; for online stories, copying out the URL above or below your entry would be very helpful (but please do /not /embed the link within the entry itself). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an Invite Desk Set consisting of an*Evolution eraser — abeautiful two-inch-tall creation that's in the shape of an ape on one end and a man on the other, so as you erase, you can "evolve" toward the man (or perhaps toward the ape) — and*the iPlunge, * a nifty cellphone stand in the shape of a toilet plunger. Donated eons ago by Losers Kevin Dopart and Nandini Lal, respectively. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com . /Deadline is Monday night, March 21; results published April 10 (online April 7). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1166" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by William Kennard. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter Week 1166, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . What Loser's desk is complete without something in a toilet theme? The second-place finisher also gets the iPlunge. (Fancy.com) And from the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *THE UNNION: THE WINNING HEADLINES FROM WEEK 1162* In Week 1162 we asked for headlines in the style of the Onion's . We got plenty of both the real-issues-satire type and the treat-little-daily-behaviors-as-news type — around 1,700 in all. And a lot of them were from first-time entrants, so it's not so surprising we have six First Offenders this week; their names are marked with asterisks. 4th place: Barry Gibb Announces Dates Of Bee Gee Reunion Tour (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 3rd place: Mel Gibson's Career Destroyed By Jewish Distillers, Zionist Bartenders (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 2nd place and the 1926 sex manual "Ideal Marriage": Winner Of $100 Lotto Scratch-Off Probably Won't Quit Job (Mark Briscoe, Alexandria, Va., whose last blot of Invite ink was in 2005 — for a headline contest) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: ISIS Now Offering Tote Bag With 5-Year Membership (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Creamed Onions: honorable mentions *Meghan Trainor Angers Fans With New 80% Bass, 20% Treble Mix* (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *St. Louis Gateway Arch Will Follow Rams To Los Angeles* (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) *Cat Needs To Be Fed Again, Declares Cat* (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) *GOP Candidates To Wear Shock Collars To Enforce Debate Time Limits* (David Graham,* Sterling, Va.) *Apache High School Adopts Shylock As Mascot* (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Local Wag With Great Scalia Joke Itches For 'Too Soon' To Be Over* (Brendan Beary) *Millions In Path Of Hysterical Winter Weather Forecast* (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) *32 Oz. Jar Of Kirkland Garlic Was Best Before 02/2011* (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *'Well, That's 10 Seconds I'll Never Get Back' To Replace 'I Just Threw Up A Little In My Mouth' As 'Ebola of Lame,' According To Area Teen* (Sandy Moran, Santa Rosa, Calif.) *Apple Introduces First Self-Texting Car* (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Targeting Pickiest Eaters, McDonald's Adds Boogers, School Paste To Happy Meals* (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) *Chipotle To Serve Only Locally Sourced Bacteria* (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) *Sophomore Trapped Overnight In Campus Safe Space Is Now Triggered By Safe Spaces* (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) ** Holocaust Foundation, Disney Announce World Tour Of 'Schindler's List On Ice'* (Michael Ginsberg,* Nashville) *Pope Francis Says Sanders 'Not Christian'* (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Obama: 'I'm Not Giving Trump The Netflix Password'* (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *In Bid To Soften Brash Image, Trump Eyes Kanye As Running Mate* (John Hutchins,* Silver Spring, Md.) *Jake From State Farm To Wed Rachel From Cardholder Services* (Bill Dorner) *Linda Continues To Say 'For All Intensive Purposes' Despite Being Corrected By Co-Worker 2 Weeks Ago* (Kurt Stahl, Frederick, Md.) *GOP Debate: Immigrant, Son of Immigrants, Grandson of Immigrants Argue Over Who Hates Immigrants More* (Shannon Bartlett Kizer*, Beaverton, Ore.) *RNC Researchers Strive To Develop Better Code Words By Fall Campaign* (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Tiger Mom's Fetus Delays Development To Savor Remaining Me-Time* (Randal Wetzel, Hagerstown, Md., who last got ink 16 years ago) *Eying 'Enhanced Visitor Experience,' Stonehenge To Install Ferris Wheel (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Satan Announces New Addition To Admissions: Wait List* (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) *Local Twins Have No Idea What Other Is Thinking* (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Lopez, Kardashian, Minaj Share Uncomfortable Flight As Occupants of Seats 12A, 12B And 12C* (Rob Huffman) *Attend Community College, Work Cinnabon Part-Time: Malia Reveals Plans *(Brendan Beary) *Woman Disguises Knock So Restroom User Will Not Know She Knocked Before *(Sandy Moran) 1 Percenters Granted Protected Minority Status* (Mary Kappus, Washington) *Trump To Drop Presidential Bid After Encounter With Younger, Prettier Country* (Lee Graham,* Arlington, Va.) *Ted Cruz's Trousers Spontaneously Ignite At Town Hall Meeting (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Regular Mechanic Inquires What Clown Installed These Brake Pads* (Sandy Moran) Spinach Cans Were Spiked With Steroids, Olive Oyl Confesses* (Rachel Bernhardt, Silver Spring, Md.) *Christie Proudly Displays 'N.H. Primary Participant' Trophy In Governor's Mansion* (Brian Finch*, Reston, Va.) *Despite Blowing Out All His Birthday Candles, Area Boy Not Starting For Golden State Warriors* (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *EPA Approves Homeland Security Low-Flow Waterboarding Plan* (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Experts Agree 'Obama Nominee' is Just Plain Fun To Say (Jeff Contompasis) *Copy Editor Quits Yoga After Instructor Tells Class To Lay On Mats *(Megan Durham, Reston, Va.) *Editor Resigns After Printing Series Of Bogus Headlines (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) ***A First Offender // Still running — deadline Monday night, March 14: our contest for adding B's to words to make new words. See bit.ly/invite1165 ====================================================================== WEEK 1167, published March 20, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1167: What's to liken — compare any 2 of these 18 things Plus 'El Bib,' 'epyks' and other winning backward-spelled neologisms The difference between President Taft's bathtub and the last Cheeto in the bag? Tell us in our Week 1167 contest. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers March 17(Click here to skip down to this week's winning backward-spelled neologisms.) *The last Cheeto in the bag vs. President Taft's bathtub: You'd gladly stick your tongue in the bag to get the Cheeto. *The Cat in the Hat had a game he called "UP-UP-UP with a fish." After an all-you-can-eat buffet, you might be playing that game too. Positively Biffy: This week's second prize, a "Back to the Future" Hot Wheels Ford complete with snap-off manure. (HOTWHEELS.BR.COM) ** ** Tiny hands * The Apple Store employee of the month * Three inches of snow * Hillary's emails * Daylight-saving time * An all-you-can-eat buffet * President Taft's bathtub * A* selfie stick * The last Cheeto in the bag * An octagon ** The* Pentagon * 7th-grade boys * Leftover Valentine's candy * Embalming fluid * Bunions * The Cat in the Hat * Walmart mulch * Scrabble tiles It's our beloved compare-or-contrast contest, in which you take any two items from the list above and explain how they're similar or different, as in the examples above, or connect them some other way. As she's done occasionally in the past few years, the Empress asked the 1,000-plus members of the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook to offer, a la Mad Libs, a bunch of random nouns or noun phrases. From something like 115 ideas offered , the E chose the 18 above, pretty much by shutting her eyes and stabbing her finger at a printout. They came from Devotees Ann Martin, Brendan Beary, Daphne Steinberg, Diane Wah, Bruce Niedt, Dennis Power, Mike Creveling, Kathy El-Assal, Marni Penning Coleman, Amanda Yanovitch, Dave Prevar and Jeff Contompasis. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine Hot Wheels 1948 Ford Super De Luxe, specifically the model featured in "Back to the Future," more specifically after Biff rear-ended the manure truck. (The manure on this one is molded plastic, and it even snaps off.) Donated by Jeff Contompasis. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com /. Deadline is Monday night, March 28; results published April 24 (online April 21). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1167" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at bit.ly/conv1167 . And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . *GOING BACK ON OUR WORDS: WINNERS FROM WEEK 1163* In Week 1163 we asked you to spell a word or other term backward and define the result, which should relate somehow to the original: 4th place: *ST. NUTS:* The patron saint of daredevils. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 3rd place: *ABUC:* What to make out of closer relations with Havana. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the "Wanna Rub My Butt?" barbecue apron: *REDYNS:* Well, we know it /doesn't/ mean "blushes with shame." (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *QARI:* A deep hole the government throws billions into. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) Flopped flips: honorable mentions *REDYNS:* Here's an inoffensive Washington football team name that rhymes with the old name, still refers to the team color, and reflects (literally) the ownership. (Francis O'Donnell, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) *EL BIB:* It covers a multitude of sins. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *TNILF:* Acronym for "Town I'd Like to Flee" (Frank Mann, Washington) *NEMICEPS:* Bladder muscles that oppose you at a medical exam. (Kevin Dopart) *EREHWYNA:* Where roughly half the population of the United States plans to move if what's-his/her-name is elected president. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *EPYKS:* Long, boring video chats. (Frank Osen) *ELGAE:* Slime on America's reputation: "The elgae outbreak of 2016 is the worst since Jackson v. Adams in 1828." (Kevin Dopart) *DUH:* The government agency Rick Perry forgot. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *DEFINK:* To get a stoolie to zip it. (Chris Doyle) *AEHRRAID: You-know-what hitting the fan. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.; Chris Doyle) *EL YOD:* Much ink he has. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *DRIB:* One of those white splotches on your car after you park under a tree. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.; Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario) *SISONGORP: Whatever it is, it's not good. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) *YNNUF:* I laughed the first time, okay? (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) *EDUN*: Paradise. Or hell. It depends. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *NO-ROM:* A politician without any memory of stupid things he's said. (Christopher Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) *NOBLE PAP:* The Nats' closer sounded good when he apologized. But will that hold up when he chokes away a save? (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) *TAKTIK:* Strategic whining by a child in the checkout line so Mom will buy the candy bar. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *ADNAP:* To laze around all day, contribute nothing to society, and still be fawned over by crowds of people. (Xin Yu, Fitchburg, Wis.) *MOR GOP!:* Desire of some of Trump's least educated supporters. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *ELBBOW:* That jiggly part on the back of your arm. (Danielle Nowlin) *PEEB:*The irritatingly impatient driver behind you when the light changes. (Craig Dykstra) *PUKCAB:* Plan B for getting home from the bar. (Craig Dykstra) *E-GABRAG:* Online gossip magazine. (Dale Frankel, Bloomfield, Mich., a First Offender) *KROW:* A foul-tasting creature, but boy, you really miss it when you haven't had it for a while. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *LOOPRAC:* A torture device on which parents are strapped in, driven in endless circles, and stretched extremely thin. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) *KLAW:* A cat's response to a leash. (David Kofalt, Gaithersburg) *MUGELBBUB:* A demon who tortures souls after sticking their shoes to the floor. (Duncan Stevens) *AISSUR:* Word meaning "we want only peace." (Gerald Diamond) *AWOI: Classification for candidates who disappear after the first caucus. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *DELI OPS:* The FDA's covert kitchen inspection program. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) *NAYR:* A House leader who says no to anything the president proposes. (Jesse Frankovich) *KNUBED:* Set straight after falling for an Internet hoax. "I got knubed immediately with a Snopes link after I shared that post about the singing otter." (Craig Dykstra) *EEF FOC:* An ugly epithet hurled at those who greet us too early in the morning. (Jamie Martindale, McLean, Va.; Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *ELBERT:* A man with a high voice. (Tom Witte) *KCAR:* A classic model with really big headlights. (Chris Doyle) *ENOTLAID:* A guy who prefers Internet sex to the real thing. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, March 21: our Questionable Journalism contest. See bit.ly/invite1166 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1168, published March 27, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1168: Asterisky business — give us some nerd humor Plus our winning 'Wait Wait . . . Don't Tell Me'-style quiz questions from Week 1164 A convention of dendochronologists might be a tree-ring circus — but how about the explanations to a string of erudite jokes? We're banking on your Nerdiness Appreciation for Week 1168. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers March 24(Click here to skip down to the winning "Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me"-style quiz questions.) *Why da heck is a convention of dendrochronologists* such a hoot, anyways? Because it's like a tree-ring circus!* *Dendrochronologists date events by studying growth rings in trees. (Chris Doyle) *Why did the chromosome blush when the DNA polymerase* came into the room? He caught her with her genes unzipped!* *DNA polymerase causes the double helix of the chromosome to "unzip" so the gene can be replicated. (Mohamed Alosh) This is a contest we've done just once before, 13 years ago: Tell us an original joke whose punch line can't be understood without knowledge — not necessarily scientific — that most of us don't have (which you'll supply with a concise explanation), as in the examples above, which got ink back in 2003. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, in keeping with specialized knowledge, "The Ultimate North Carolina Quiz Book," a 1999 volume that will tell you 500 more things about North Carolina than you used to know. (What is the highest incorporated town east of the Mississippi? Beech Mountain, N.C.) Found somewhere by Loser Pie Snelson. Who is not from North Carolina. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com /. Deadline is Monday night, April 4; results published April 24 (online April 21). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1168" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. CONTENT FROM Booz Allen Hamilton The hottest tech trends dominating business in 2016 Major changes ahead in cyber security, advanced analytics / / BrandConnect» is content provided by our advertisers. Learn more. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at bit.ly/conv1168 . And the results from the Style Invitational contest we posted four weeks ago . . . *HAR CHOICES: OUR WINNING 'WAIT WAIT'-STYLE QUIZ QUESTIONS* In Week 1164 we honored (a.k.a. totally ripped off) NPR's comedy quiz show "Wait Wait . . . Don't Tell Me" and asked for multiple-choice questions about real events or trivia. The Empress asked longtime Washington Post writer Roxanne Roberts — who's also a longtime "Wait Wait" panelist — for her fave among this week's inking entries: It was Kevin Dopart's "11/11/11" (especially his wrong answers). More from Roxanne in this week's Style Conversational. 4th place *The power of public prayer in America was tested in an unusual way by whom?* A. The mayor of Jackson, Miss., who tweeted, "I believe we can pray potholes away." B. A high school principal in Lubbock, Tex., who opened a football pep rally with a citation from Psalm 55:15: "Let death take my enemies by surprise." C. The driver of a Greyhound bus to Cedar Rapids, Iowa, who announced, "Lord, I forgot my glasses; please watch over this trip," and then offered to let any riders off before continuing. /Answer: A, per wjtv.com / (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3rd place *Some schools do their utmost to protect their students — as when, in 2010, an English headmistress did what?* A. She discouraged abductors by issuing every child a stun gun. B. She changed the school uniform to a padded "marshmallow suit" to cushion the kids against bumps and bruises. C. She ordered black bars placed over the children's eyes in yearbook pictures, thus ruining the photos for child pornographers. /Answer: C (The Daily Mail ) /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 2nd place and the barf bag decorated with the word for "vomit" in various languages: *What went wrong when an Iowa farmer recently ran unopposed for the local school board?* A. He resigned immediately after being elected, explaining that he hadn't realized the job would involve going to meetings. B. No one voted in the election — even /he/ didn't. C. He lost as a result of a campaign by neighborhood kids who encouraged voters to write in SpongeBob SquarePants instead. /Answer: B (Des Moines Register )/ (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *A London resident showed his love for Burger King how?* A. He officially changed his name from Simon Smith to Bacon Double Cheeseburger. B. He held his wedding in the Burger King on Tottenham Court Road, complete with the presiding official dressed as the King, and the couple exchanging onion rings with their vows. C. He stole the Burger King statue from a local restaurant, and demanded free Chicken Fries for life as the "king's ransom." /Answer: A, per Time.com / (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Losing Wait: honorable mentions *Recently an Australian writer was surprised to find what in her email's junk folder?* A. An offer for a senior-citizen discount at Trump University. B. A message telling her that she had won a $150,000 prize from Yale University — and it was real. C. Two hundred emails containing no porn ads, Viagra offers or Nigerian scams whatsoever. /Answer: B (Sydney Morning Herald) / (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) * *Public Enemy Number One? In Al Qunfudhah, Saudi Arabia, a shop selling camel urine was shut down because it was actually selling:* A. Camel urine. B. Scott's Liquid Gold wood cleaner. C. Shopkeeper urine. /Answer: C (The Daily Mail) / (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *The driver of a tractor-trailer that rolled out of a Minnesota parking lot, crossing the street and striking a tree and a parked car, was: A. The truck's owner's 5-year-old son, who started up the semi when his father went to the restroom. B. The truck owner's Labrador retriever, who managed to put the truck in gear. C. The truck owner's ex-wife, who thought his girlfriend was sleeping in the cab. /Answer: B / /(fox9.com) / (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg, Md.) *11/11/11 was recognized as the date . . .* A. Most evocative of same-sex couples, according to the California Association of Numerologists. B. Most closely resembling corduroy, according to the Corduroy Appreciation Club. C. Most like a fence, according to Donald Trump's Veterans Day remarks at the New York Military Academy. /Answer: B (gothamist.com ) /(Kevin Dopart) *A New Jersey state agency recently refused to release records about the death of a dolphin in a local river for what reason?* A. The request violated the dolphin's privacy. B. The request misspelled "dolphin" as "dalfin." C. The dolphin had been used in an anti-Chris Christie campaign ad, as a contrast to an unnamed "whale." /Answer: A / /(nj.com)/ (Duncan Stevens) ** It's not just for smoking anymore: Which of these marijuana-related products recently hit the market?* A. Grass-fed chicken: "boneless breasts from the happiest ranch on Earth." B. Canna-Biscuits: Treats for man's best stoner buddy. C. Shampot: "Gee, Your Hair Smells Mellow." /Answer: B(canna-pet.com) / (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *After a hunt in Florida in February that killed 106 invasive Burmese pythons, what were zoologists surprised to find inside one snake's stomach?* A. An entire fawn. B. Twelve alligator purses. C. A Mickey Mouse costume from Disney World. /Answer. A (WFLA.com) / (Tom Witte) ** Someone was recently elected and sworn in to the East Chicago, Ind., city council despite what impediment? *A. He lives in Florida and has never lived in Indiana; he was put on the ballot without his knowledge as a prank. B. He is in jail on a murder charge, awaiting trial. C. He's a border collie. /Answer: B(Chicago Tribune) / (Duncan Stevens) *From ho-ho to uh-oh: People in an Alberta town saw Santa do what un-Santa-like act last Christmas Eve? A. He replenished his gift supplies by robbing a jewelry store at gunpoint. B. He upgraded his sleigh by stealing a car in broad daylight. C. He went on a rant about how he was going to build a wall around the North Pole. /Answer: A.(Reuters) / (Xin Yu, Fitchburg, Wis.) // As we near the 2016 Olympics in Rio: How does coffee relate to the Games? A. Starbucks, the sponsor of this year's U.S. uniforms, will place its Siren logo (and a handwritten name) on each item. B. Coffee has been ruled a legal performance enhancer for Olympic swimmers. C. In 1932, Brazil couldn't afford to send a team to the Los Angeles Olympics. So it loaded a ship with the athletes and coffee, selling the coffee at ports along the way. But they made only enough money to enter the water polo team — and they were disqualified for beating up the referee. /Answer: C (NPR "Weekend Edition Saturday" ) /(Lela Martin, Midlothian, Va.) *So, Sir Mix-A-Lot of "Baby Got Back" fame: What do you know about chiropractors?* A. A Connecticut chiropractor was charged with assault after he applied a series of electric shocks to an assistant, allegedly to punish her for badmouthing other staff members. B. A chiropractor in Maine became extremely popular when his pelvic adjustments started giving women intense sexual pleasure. Police investigated the office on charges of prostitution, and now he must have a female witness present during any procedure. C. A California teacher is suing her chiropractor after a neck adjustment gave her the ability to swivel her head 270 degrees. Though it doesn't hurt and has proved useful, her new ability terrifies students and has parents referring to her as Ms. Exorcist. /Answer: A (Connecticut Post) / //(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *The spectacular fountain show in front of the Bellagio casino in Las Vegas is accompanied by which ironic song?* A. Kenny Rogers's "The Gambler" ("know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run"). B. The Shaker song "Simple Gifts" (" 'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free..."). C. "The Money Song" from the musical "Avenue Q" ("...Give us your money! All that you've got! Just fork it on over..."). /Answer: B/ (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md., witnessed it firsthand. Here's a clip from YouTube .) *What was memorable about a wake for a gangster killed in a shootout in Puerto Rico?* A. In the coffin, the man's hand was holding a pistol — which went off during the wake. B. Police made the man's killers sing hymns at the funeral home while mourners paid their respects. C. The deceased was posed sitting upright at a table playing dominoes, with a drink nearby and holding a condom. /Answer: C (mysanantonio.com) / (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *What went wrong when an Illinois man shoplifted various electronic items from a Walmart last year?* A. He came back to the store with the items to ask how to use them. B. He called the cellphone company, asking how to get a number assigned to a stolen phone. C. A repo man took his car while he was in the store, greatly slowing his getaway. /Answer: C (Lake County News-Sun) / (Duncan Stevens) *Which of these fatal accidents occurred while someone was taking a selfie?* A. An Indonesian man fell into an active volcano. B. An American tourist fell off the Eiffel Tower. C. A Flint, Mich., man fell in a small vat of water. /Answer: A (Wikipedia, "List of selfie-related injuries and deaths") / (Melissa Balmain) *Those amazing little girls: Which of these is true? A. A woman in Manhattan discovered, to her horror, that her 6-year-old had found the $12,000 Keith Haring sketch she was about to have framed and had colored it in with crayons. B. A child psychiatrist blamed anxiety to explain why a fourth-grader in Virginia said she heard voices at night. Finally a dentist figured out that a filling that the child had gotten overseas was picking up radio signals. C. After six months of treatment for an apparent sinus infection, a 5-year-old girl in California blew a safety pin out of her nose and said she'd forgotten to tell her mother she put it there. /Answer: C (UPI) / (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) *The men's rooms at Louisville Metro Hall, a city government building, have been plagued by what problem?* A. The prank of dropping horse droppings in the weeks before the Kentucky Derby. B. Obscenities written on the mirrors with pink liquid soap. C. "Mass quantities of boogers" on the walls around the urinals. /Answer: C (wlky.com) / (Kevin Dopart) // Still running — deadline Monday night: our perennial compare-and-contrast contest. See bit.ly/invite1167 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1169, published April 3, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1169: Be caustic by acrostic Plus 'Bierberschnitzel' and other winning B-neologisms from Week 1165 Just Avoid Water, Stupid: This week's contest is to describe movies or other works with acrostics (or backronyms) of their titles. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers March 31 at 10:06 AM(Click here to skip down to the results of our B-neologism contest, Week 1165.) *JAWS: J*ust A*void W*ater,*S*tupid! *THE SOUND OF MUSIC: T*his H*as E*verything! S*yrupy O*utbursts! *U*plifting N*annies! D*ancing O*ver F*lowery M*ountains! *U*nctuous S*ongs I*nvolving C*hildren!! (from doubletake-media.com) Loser Anne Paris with the prize that goes to this week's number two finisher: the Number Two Pencil. Which is the only reason Anne saw this product and thought: Style. Invitational. Prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Printed vertically, they'd be called acrostics; horizontally, they're often called backronyms. Either way, you describe something with words beginning with each letter of the something. We've done backronym contests a couple of times before, to describe people and products, but Loser Duncan Stevens suggests a twist: Review or otherwise describe a movie, book, play or TV show (or Internet equivalent)* with words whose first letters spell out the name of the work,* as in the examples above from our own Bob Staake and from Double Take Media, a bare-bones website that, if it were a movie, would be a three-minute reel of Super 8. You may add the occasional article, conjuction or preposition (e.g., "a," "and," "to"), but your entries would have to be especially clever to beat out those that use only the letters of the title. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Scatological Two-Pack of (a) a Number Two Pencil — a regular wooden pencil topped with a big plastic doo-pile; and (b) "Who Farted?," a pretty book consisting of nothing but classic movie stills in which Tracy and Hepburn, Astaire and Rogers et al. show facial expressions that an extremely juvenile person might caption with the book's title. Donated, respectively if not respectfully, by Losers Anne Paris and Jeff Contompasis. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage regifted Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-over magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com / or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 11; results published May 1 (online April 28). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1169" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Of B we zing" is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest we announced four weeks ago . . . *OF B WE ZING: THE B-NEOLOGISMS OF WEEK 1165* ** In Week 1165 we "honored" Loser Brendan Beary for his 1,000th blot of Invite ink by inviting him to judge the Style Invitational contest of his choice. Although he's best known for his poems, Mr. B opted for a neologism contest: to add one or more B's to an existing word or substitute one or more B's for another letter. A couple of weeks ago, the Empress sent Brendan a list of all 1,200-plus entries, with no identifying information attached; he didn't know until now who had written the entries he chose. Brendan shares some thoughts on the entries and the judging ordeal experience in this week's Style Conversational, to be published late Thursday afternoon at bit.ly/conv1169 . 4th place: *Biancee: The one for whom you put a ring on it. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) 3rd place: *¡Basta la vista!:* Goodbye, already! (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) 2nd place andthe "Sorry," a wrap garment made of Loser T-shirts: *Barbinger: The first sign of Spring Break. (Lee Graham, Arlington, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Bieberschnitzel: German for "mediocre cut of meat." (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) B-flats: honorable mentions *Panobama:* The view from the right. (Ivars Kuskevics) *Borville Wright:* Inventor of the in-flight magazine. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *The Pabst is prologue:* The explanation for your headache this morning. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Borsche:* A souped-up Eastern European sports car. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington, Va.; Lela Martin, Midlothian, Va.) *Bedlab:* A place where chaotic experimental sex is carried out. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *Bambidextrous:* Wearing deerskin gloves on both hands. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) *Bumpkin pie:* A popular backwoods dish consisting of . . . um, don't ask. (Kimberly Baer, Woodbridge, Va., a First Offender) *Biogenes:* Greek philosopher who searched for an honest memoir. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *"Bad Bax":* Steampunk film about a rogue chiropractor. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) *J.K. Bowling:* Author of "Harry Potter and the 7-10 Split." (Christopher Lamora) *American heartbland:* The country's white-bread-basket. (Xin Yu, Fitchburg, Wis.) *B'nailbiter:* An exciting finish to the annual JCC mah-jongg tournament. (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) *Boobs on the ground:* No, that's NOT what we call women in combat! (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *Herbibore:* Your friend who's just started a vegan diet. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Gluteus maxibus:* Public transportation with extra-wide seats. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *"In the beginning, Bob created the heavens and the earth":* According to PolitiFact, Bob's worst "Pants on Fire" campaign claim. (Gary Crockett) *Byllables:* The building blocks of every lawyer's vocabulary. (Jon Gearhart) *"Bore!":* Warning shout before beginning golf anecdote. (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) *Philanthrobby:* Giving till it hurts. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *Boiletries:* Medicated ointments for your abscess. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Bednesday:* Hump Day! (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Best Side Story:* What actresses tell every cinematographer they meet. (Kevin Dopart) *Ne'er-do-bell:* Pavlov's cat. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Booblegging:* Using the classic "stuff it in the bra" smuggling system. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Bimbroglio: Any "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" episode. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Bendarme: A Paris police officer known for his coercive manner. (Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario) *Probetariat:* A convention of proctologists. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) *Jebsam:* A discarded candidate, now washed up on a beach. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Brotunda:* Capitol Hill's old-boys' club. (Christopher Lamora) *Boath:* A bigamist's wedding vow. (Christopher Lamora) *Flash bard:* Elizabeth Bare-it Browning. (Chris Doyle) *Birthbay:* Lady parts. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Binlaws:* Rules that govern trashing your spouse's family. (Jon Gearhart) *Klondike barb:* A bitingly cold remark. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *Bernia:* What you get from six months of trying to pull Hillary to the left. (Chris Doyle) *Bathematics: Figuring out, "How long can I stay in here before the kids start banging on the door?" (Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring, Md.) *Bunaccompanied:* Traveling while pregnant. (Greg Arnold, Herndon, Va.) *Hooked on Phobics:* A training course for psychologists. (Christopher Lamora) *Conbratulations:* What's offered to the proud new parents of twins. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) *Pettiboat:* An undergarment for a plus-size woman. (Tom Witte) *Bummingbirds:* Millennials who never really leave the nest. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *Girl Scout Bookies:* They make a mint every year. (Ann Martin) *Reinbarnation:* What happens to farm animals at the end of day. (Frank Osen) *Barbie Antoinette: Doll featuring extravagant costumes, cake and a removable head. (Jesse Frankovich) *BlinkedIn:* The first professional networking service to use retinal IDs. (Chris Doyle) *Basich:* Your standard Republican governor. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) *Dog and bony show: A Humane Society benefit with fashion models. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Next week: our annual horse name "breeding" contest — with results to run on Kentucky Derby weekend. *And still running — deadline Monday night, April 4: Our contest for jokes so nerdy you have to explain the punch line. See bit.ly/invite1168 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1170, published April 10, 2016 WEEK 1170: DERBY OR NOT DERBY The latest mating techniques in this year's foal-"breeding" contest -- our 22nd year. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 7 at 10:07 AM(Click here to skip down to this week's "Questionable Journalism" winners) *Stradivari x Catapult = Fiddle On The Roof* *Mighty Moses x Percolator = He Brew* *The Big Mo x Exaggerator = OK, The Medium Mo* The 2015 Triple Crown was won by a horse with a misspelled name — which the Empress had mistakenly spelled correctly as "American Pharaoh," rather than "Pharoah," last spring in the 21st running of The Style Invitational's horse name "breeding" contest. This year, we checked the names of our stud roster more carefully (yes, Mooose really has three O's) and so it's off to the races with Year 22 of our most popular contest. At the bottom of this page is a list of 100 of the almost 400 racehorses nominated for this year's Kentucky Derby, Preakness and Belmont; your job is to "breed" any two of them and name the "foal" to reflect both names,* as in the examples above. Yes, every horse on the list is male; sorry, Kim Davis! As in the racing world, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces,* but one or more of the characters may be punctuation marks or numerals. You may run words together, but the name still should be easy to read. Make sure to spell the original horse names correctly in your entry, or the E's search button might skip over them. Please use the format in the examples. As always, you may send as many as 25 entries,* preferably on a single e-mail. All this in a 3-inch box: This week's second prize. Winner doesn't get a $2 million Derby purse but does get the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives Desktop Derby, a little bitty kit containing a mat, a spinner, some plastic horses, a gold-colored trophy and a 32-page guide to horse racing. We don't know how interesting the game is, but we're intrigued how all that stuff fits into a 3-inch-square box. Donated by Christina Courtney. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com. / Deadline is Monday night, April 18; results published on Kentucky Derby weekend: May 5 online, May 8 in the paper. Include "Week 1170" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *THOSE SMART-ASK LOSERS: 'QUESTIONABLE JOURNALISM' WINNERS FROM WEEK 1166* In Week 1166 we once again asked readers to choose any sentence from a Washington Post article or ad that week, and give us a question that it might answer. Shockingly, many entrants had politics on their minds. See this week's Style Conversational column (published late afternoon April 7) to find out what the sentences below were really about. 4th place: /"Answer" from The Post: The entire community is anticipated to be sold out by this fall./ Q. Does it seem inevitable that the House GOP will swallow its principles and endorse you-know-who? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 3rd place: /A. Nobody else has that kind of ground game in South Florida./ Q: Why do people line up for gator burgers at Bubba's of Boca Raton? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the Evolution Eraser and plunger-shaped phone stand : /A. Two days before Christmas, a trust called DE First Holdings was quietly formed in Delaware, where corporations are required to reveal little about their workings./ Q. What does "The Night Before Christmas" sound like when retold by Bernie Sanders? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /A. It also carries reports about such topics as rabbit farming and domestically made school backpacks./ Q. Why are critics saying the State of the Union address is being influenced by too many lobbyists? (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Mis-Q's: honorable mentions /A. Sometimes their bottom halves were nearly the full width of the runway./ Q. What is the most shocking finding from last year's study of pilot obesity? (Kimberly Baer, Woodbridge, Va.) /A. "I just grayed out or blacked out a little bit." / Q. Do you deny starring in your fraternity's racially insensitive minstrel show? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) /A. When the angry words darted over my head as I worked on my coloring book, I barely heard them./ Q. How did you maintain your composure during the debates, Dr. Carson? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) /A. Judging from the pictures you sent, your shower doors appear to be framed in anodized aluminum. /Q. What do you think of the nude selfies I took in my bathroom? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) /A. Let me be honest here./ Q. What does a politician say before lying? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) /A. Virginia was a little bit quicker, a little bit sharper, and a little bit more athletic./ Q. President Clinton, how was your intern's replacement? (Jim McCormack, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) // /A. Gov. John Kasich has long resisted direct engagement with Trump./ Q: Why has the GOP front-runner been married only three times? (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) /A. Plus, they have a food source with the Potomac River nearby./ Q. You're cutting SNAP benefits because D.C. families could dive in dumpsters, Senator McConnell? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) /A. A reporter for the Midland Reporter-Telegram described the spectacle as "a spaghetti of writhing angry reptiles" that emanates "a strange dense smell with an evil vomit-like edge to it."/ Q. Why did the Midland Bar Association stop inviting the press to its annual luncheon? (Mark Raffman) /A. Yes and no./ Q. Does Hillary Clinton have a plan to respond to criticism that she equivocates on important issues? (Duncan Stevens) /A. The Mets had explored trades for Tejada but apparently couldn't find any willing partners./ Q. Since he stinks as a player, could Ruben Tejada maybe be an apprentice plumber or drywaller? (Brendan Beary) // /A. For some employees, a single sighting is enough to trigger what psychology texts call "musophobia," an extreme fear of mice./ Why does the Disneyland hiring process include an interview with Mickey? (Stuart Backer, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) /A. Go crawl in a hole./ Q. What was the worst advice Saddam Hussein ever followed? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) /A. It is very messy to clean them out. /Q. Why do divorce lawyers wear rubber gloves when meeting with clients? (Mark Raffman) /A. Both are repugnant, both dangerous and both deserving of the most unreserved condemnation. / Q. Yo, Rev. Sanctimonius, how do you like the bazooms on that stripper up there? (Mae Scanlan, Washington) /A. Do you have houseplants? You can sprinkle some in them./ Q. Dear Heloise: What if you really have to go but guests are using your bathroom and kitchen sink? (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) /A. It's hard to worry about propriety when you're focused on matching the dum-dum-dum-dum, dum-dum-dum-dum reverberating all around you./ Q. Governor Kasich, do you regret the lack of decorum during recent debates? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Frank Osen) /A. Other requests included chocolate mousse, berries and a three-foot piece of bacon./ Q. What were some more of the suggestions for the AMA's revised "Words for Poop" list? (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) /A. "I've been around for a long time," said Sal Pittelli, 70. "And you can smell the flop sweat."/ Q. Why does Sal Pittelli, 70, not have very many friends? (Duncan Stevens) /A. I wanted to give you the feeling of walking through a garden when all the flowers start to bloom./ Q. Why on earth did you release hundreds of bees during our wedding ceremony? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) /A. We don't think of the organ as an intimate instrument./ Q. What did the wives on "Big Love" say about sharing one husband? (Kate Cross, Silver Spring) /A. Europe is launching its own Mars-landing mission Monday from Kazakhstan, in central Asia./ Q. While we're all talking about moving to Canada in case of you-know-what, what's the rest of the world doing? (Brendan Beary) /A. "The swivel feature on this model is a nice bonus."/ Q. What did one billionaire say to the other when deciding which candidate to buy? (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) /A. Today, that hill is a mountain. / Q. How would you describe the result of Kim Kardashian's surgery? (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) /A. Just think about how clapboard siding works./ Q. What's a useful trick to delay, y'know, happy endings? Asking for a friend. (Brendan Beary) /A. It's just about damn time./ Q. What happens when Mitt Romney gets really agitated, after darn time is over? (Duncan Stevens) *Still running — deadline Monday night, April 11: our acrostic/backronym contest for movies, books, etc. See bit.ly/invite1169. *THE 2016 STUD FARM* These 100 horses were drawn from a list of almost 400 Triple Crown nominees published by KentuckyDerby.com ; "breed" any two and name the foal for Week 1170, above. First: Do the Empress a favor and . . . "—*Don't "breed" two names and use a third name from the list for the "foal."* People do this every year and never get ink because it's just too easy to do. Also, don't breed three horses together — what were you thinking? "— Don't format your list as a chart, with tabs., etc.* All the formatting disappears when the entries are combined into one big list for judging, and sometimes the names end up all over the page. Please just use regular text in your e-mail, with each entry on a separate line. "— Make sure the horses you breed are spelled just as they are in this list,* because the E will be searching on each of those names to compare all the foals from Horse A at once, then all the foals from Horse B. (We'll be using the format Horse A x Horse B = Foal, as in the examples at the top of the column.) "— Observe the 18-character limit, including spaces and punctuation marks. In many Invitational contests, the Empress has sometimes given ink to an entry that bent the rules a leetle bit, if it was especially clever or funny. But not the letter limit on horse names — it's part of the challenge. All World Alpha Team Annals of Time Attraction Awesome Speed Bar None Battery Benediction Big Red Rocket Big Squeeze Billy's Kitten Bombs Away Brody's Cause Can't Remember Caribbean Catapult Cherry Wine Cold Blood Collected Creator Cupid Cutacorner Danzing Candy Deserved Destin Diplodocus Discreetness Dressed in Hermes Economic Model Emoji Man Enroute Exaggerator Fellowship Flexibility Found Money General MacArthur Gettysburg Giant Trick Great Dane Gulf Of Mexico Gun Runner Happy Match Hardly Home Hawk Hot Item Ima Monster John Q. Public Kiss Limit Lani Latest Craze Let Me Go First Life Is A Trip Magical Mystery Majesto Matt King Coal Mighty Moses Miles of Humor Mo Tom Mohaymen Molasses Brown Mooose Mor Spirit Name Changer Nyquist Outwork Percolator Perfect Saint Pinnacle Peak Pinstripe Prospectus Rated R Superstar Realm Riddler Shagaf Singleton Smokey Image Snow Fighter Sorryaboutnothing Start A War Stradivari Suddenbreakingnews Swagger Jagger Swipe Tally Ten Blessings That Makes Sense The Big Mo The Lieutenant Time Will Tell True Solitaire Twenty Four Seven Twirling Unexplained Urban Bourbon Walk Out Weight No More Whitmore Who's Out Williamsburg Zulu ====================================================================== WEEK 1171, published April 17, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1171: What's my (next) line? Song 'tailgaters' Pair a line from a song with one of your own. Plus: How are tiny hands like Hillary's emails? The Week 1167 winners. "O say can you see" rhymes with "TP": This week's contest is for "tailgaters" for songs. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 14(Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1167, our perennial compare-and-contrast contest) *O say can you see, by the dawn's early light, (Francis Scott Key) *That some kids put TP in our front yard last night?* (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Where have all the flowers gone?* *And why's there crabgrass in my lawn?* (Pete Seeger/Duncan) Invite cartoonist Bob Staake examines Jeff's ear during a book-plugging appearance in D.C. in 2013. Which was handy, because he then did a cartoon of Jeff in conjunction with Week 1021. (Courtesy of Jeff Contompasis) *Baby, you're a firework* (Katy Perry) *That went off prematurely — jerk. (Katy Perry/Duncan) They're called tailgaters: You quote a line from a poem and follow it with a line of your own. We had a tailgater contest four years ago, but this time we'll have a musical twist, suggested by Loser Duncan Stevens, who happened to get his first blot of Invitational inkin that contest : *Take a line from any song and pair it with your own second line to make a humorous rhyming couplet; the second line should match the rhythm of the first, rather than the second line of the song itself, as in Duncan's examples above. Be sure to include the title of the song you're quoting. (And please don't add your name at the end of each entry, like the ones above; the Empress tries to judge the contest without seeing who's written what. She'll put your name — or someone else's name — there when she prints the entry.) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place appropriately receives a kit called "How to Kazoo: User's Guide & Practitioner's Manual," complete with "professional quality kazoo" and tips on playing songs of all genres. Best thing about a kazoo: The player can't sing at the same time. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-over Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com. / Deadline is Monday night, April 25; results published May 15 (online May 12). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1171" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . DINGDINGDING! IMPORTANT LOSER ANNOUNCEMENT! It escaped the Empress's notice three weeks ago that Jeff Contompasis's joke about camel urine in the Week 1164 results was his 500th blot of ink — thereby admitting JefCon to the den of iniquity that is the Style Invitational Hall of Fame, as its 11th member in the Invite's 23-year existence. Jeff, who's renowned for making fun of his own nerdiness — "Is it just me who interprets the restroom sign 'Wet Floor' as a command?" — tells a bit about himself, and about his weekly process of entering the Invite, in this week's Style Conversational at bit.ly/conv1171. It was Jeff's idea for the ScrabbleGrams contest we've gone on to do every year — and Bob Staake immortalized him in Week 1021. (Jeff's words for those letters: biolust, subtoil and slutbio.) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . LAUGH-LONG RELATIONSHIPS: REPORT FROM WEEK 1167 Week 1167 was one of our perennial compare-and-contrast contests in which the Empress listed18 random items and you had to explain how any two were similar, different or otherwise linked. 4th place: *The Cat in the Hat* and*Hillary's emails:* In both situations you wonder where all the grownups are. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 3rd place: The Apple Store Employee of the Month* works hard to sell iPhones; *tiny hands* work hard to manufacture them. (Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) 2nd place and the winner of the "Back to the Future" manure car :* An all-you-can-eat buffet* and leftover Valentine's candy:* Oh, you Match.com Casanova, you! (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) AND THE WINNER OF THE INKIN' MEMORIAL *Hillary's emails* are just like three inches of snow*: not enough to keep you from running for the office, but danged if they don't make the route hell. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) THEY BEGGED TO DIFFER: HONORABLE MENTIONS Both*tiny hands and Hillary's emails:* The American people are sick and tired of hearing about yer damn . . . (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) Both the Cat in the Hat* and seventh-grade boys* have an optimistic view of what your mother won't mind at all if you do. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C., and father of two sons) *Hillary's emails* vs. an all-you-can-eat buffet:* The feeding frenzy brought on by the latter is somewhat more dignified. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *President Taft's bathtub:* ring; Leftover Valentine's candy:* no ring. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Seventh-grade boys will find it hilarious if you tell them tiny hands* are a bad thing for a pianist. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *The Pentagon: Think eyes on Iraq. *Scrabble tiles: Think I's on a rack. *7th-grade boys: Think eyes on a rack. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.; yeah, the contest said to compare /two/ items, but it's just too good) *An all-you-can-eat buffet vs. Hillary's emails:* It's unlikely that anyone will end up eating crow at the buffet. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *An all-you-can-eat buffet* and three inches of snow:* Each can lead to a run on toilet paper. (Kevin Dopart) *An all-you-can-eat buffet* and three inches of snow:* In D.C., there's a good chance that either will clog vital arteries. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) At the Pentagon:* rank on their shoulders; with 7th-grade boys:* rank in their armpits. (Dudley Thompson) The windchill factors in when going out in*three inches of snow.* A winch'll factor in when getting out of*President Taft's bathtub. (Chris Doyle) The Apple Store Employee of the Month might get free Nats tickets. *Walmart mulch* might come with free gnats, ticks, etc. (Danielle Nowlin) *The last Cheeto in the bag vs. Tiny Hands: One is an unnatural orange mess that leaves a bad taste in your mouth; the other one isn't a nickname of someone running for president. (Paul Totman, Edmonton, Alberta, a First Offender) *The Pentagon* vs. Scrabble tiles:* You can usually get a comprehensible word out of Scrabble tiles. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) For three inches of snow it's not worth firing up the big plow, but with your tiny hands you probably don't have a big plow anyway. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Bunions:* Unwanted trait of the feet. *Leftover Valentine's candy: Fate of the unwanted treat. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Seventh-grade boys vs. the Cat in the Hat:* The cat doesn't leave your house both destroyed and smelling of Axe body spray. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *An all-you-can-eat buffet and embalming fluid: You belly up to get one; you're belly up when you get the other. (Kevin Dopart) *An all-you-can-eat buffet* and Hillary's emails:* In both cases, using an official server might have kept things from getting out of hand. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *An octagon* vs. three inches of snow:* Metrobuses run through a stop sign once in a while. (Kevin Dopart) What's the difference between Scrabble tiles and seventh-grade boys?* It takes at least a bit of skill for teenage girls to successfully manipulate Scrabble tiles. (John Hutchins) With an octagon,* you've got a figure that has eight sides. With an all-you-can-eat buffet,* you lost your figure when you ate the sides. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *The last Cheeto in the bag and bunions:* Both are crunchy, zesty, delicious snacks! Oh, wait, that's Funyuns. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) With seventh-grade boys,* there's no such thing as leftover Valentine's candy.* (George Smith, Frederick, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday, April 18: Our famous foal name "breeding" contest. See bit.ly/invite1170 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1172, published April 24, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1172: What can you cook up with pieces of 'Pie'? Write something using the words in 'American Pie'; plus winning super-nerd humor Write something using the words in 'American Pie'; plus winning super-nerd humor Sweet perfume: Foul Moss With Pink Fat? This week's contest is to write something with words from "American Pie." (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment April 21(Click here to skip down to the winners of our esoteric-humor contest.) *"Sweet perfume for your love? How about this 'Foul Moss With Pink Fat'?"* *For me, the day the music died was when my bride told me she had made love with the marching band, all of them.* ** The Empress doesn't care that she's dating herself to recall picking up and resetting the arm of her Panasonic turntable 2 million times as she painstakingly transcribed the lyrics to Don McLean's "American Pie" from the 1971 album, as her eighth-grade school algebra homework lay undone. (Not that they weren't just as baffling.) This week we offer the latest of several "word bank" contests we've done over the years, mining, among others, the Book of Genesis, Hamlet's soliloquy, the Gettysburg Address and "The Cat in the Hat": Write a short passage — an observation, a joke, a dialogue, a poem, anything — using only words that appear in the song "American Pie," as in the examples above (the first is by Jeff Shirley, who suggested this contest). The lyrics are available all over the Internet; I'd go with the ones atlyrics007.com , which you can reach from this week's Style Conversational column. /One note, though:/ McLean's "American Pie" album didn't include a lyric sheet (I didn't hate algebra /that/ much) and so: Who "read a book on Marx" — Lenin or Lennon? The context of the song (as well as most Internet lyrics) indicates Lennon, but surely there's a definitive ruling? Well, I found the sheet music, published by Warner Bros. And it says, right there in Verse 2: "Lennin." So you may use either Marx-reader. You may use words in the song only as often as they appear in the lyrics; for instance, the word "down" appears twice, so your passage could include "down" twice. You can't use part of a word as a whole word — don't pluck "with" from "without," for example. You may change capitalization and punctuation however you like. The sheet music for "American Pie" doesn't rule very usefully on whether it's "Lennon" or "Lenin." You may use either for Week 1172. (Warner Bros. Music) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a handsome, tall ceramic mug depicting Rosie the Riveter — no, wait, it's Princess Leia depicting Rosie the Riveter. Who would also rock in the Rebel Alliance. Donated by Brendan Beary. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-over Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com. /Deadline is Monday night, May 2; results published May 22 (online May 19). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1172" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jon Gearhart; the honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . THE GAME IS AFOOT(NOTE): THE NERD-HUMOR WINNERS OF WEEK 1168 We called Week 1168 Asterisky Business: We asked for jokes whose punch lines required specialized knowledge to get. Whew, there are a lot of erudite people out there, many of whom helpfully offered 200-word explanations of the joke. These, fortunately, are more concise. 4th place Doc 1: I treated a kid who bruised his patella on some rocks. Doc 2: What was your diagnosis? Doc 1:**Nephrolithiasis! *Kidney stones (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) 3rd place Why did the farmer get arrested? Because he said he was going to go out and mow down his *grama.* *Any of various grasses of the genus /Bouteloua,/ often used for pasturage. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Coffee and buns: Princess Leia does Rosie the Riveter on this week's second prize. 2nd place and 'The Ultimate North Carolina Quiz Book': Why did the gerontologist immediately switch his choice after watching the debate? The candidate promised that he would make America not just great, but **confabulous. *Confabulation can occur in certain forms of dementia; the patient has has no conception of what is true, and in conversation may invent things. (Kel Nagel MD, Salisbury, Md.) AND THE WINNER OF THE INKIN' MEMORIAL: Why were the French tourists in D.C. embarrassed when they took their toddlers to the National Zoo? A. The kids started yelling, *"Seal!* Seal!"* *The French word for seal is /phoque. / (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) LESSOTERICA: HONORABLEM MENTIONS *Why didn't historians like the movie "Braveheart"?* They found Mel Gibson's performance too**woaden.* *Woad, a blue dye derived from /Isatis tinctoria,/ would not have been worn as face paint as late as the 13th century. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Why did 1960s singer Mary O'Brien pick a new stage name? Because*"*Pulveratricious Springfield" didn't fit on the marquee. *Covered with dust. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *"After three dates, he still seems afraid of physical contact.* I finally told him: "If you're just going to approach me but never touch me, you can take your**asymptote* it home." *In analytic geometry, an asymptote is a line that continually approaches a given curve but never meets it. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Why did the Greek priest run out of the harvest festival to place bread in his chariot? Because he forgot to *feed* Demeter.* *The first loaf of bread was always sacrificed to Demeter (de-ME-ter), the goddess of grain. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *What did the tritium say to the nuclear reactor on their 12th anniversary?* "You made me what I am, and I halved the time of my life." *Tritium, a product of nuclear fission, undergoes radioactive decay with a half-life of 12 years. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Why did the princess leave the stable with a hoofprint on her face?* Her fairy godmother had told her to kiss a *frog!* *The frog is the wedge of cushioning tissue under a horse's foot. (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md., a First Offender) *What did the print shop owner tell his queasy employee?* "If you're going to throw up, then *vomit under the 3/em-spaces and run!" **A mnemonic used for the order of part of the California Job Case, a storage unit for letterpress type; a 3/em-space was used between words. (Gil Glass, Washington) *Why will your fuddy-duddy composer friend get upset if you invite him over to drink a couple bottles of vodka with you? He doesn't approve of *parallel fifths. *Parallel fifths — two consecutive chords of intervals five notes apart — were long frowned upon in classical music. (Duncan Stevens) Einstein's Mama is so huge that her waist is a straight line.* *Einstein hypothesized that space was curved, so that after traveling a HUGE distance, a straight line might meet itself. (Edward Gordon, Austin) *Why were sportswriters shocked when Adrian Peterson put up stats of 4 fumbles, sixty-two yards rushing, and no touchdowns? Because it's not *AP style!* *Per the Associated Press Stylebook, numbers under 10 should be spelled out, numbers 10 and above are written in numerals, and the serial comma is not used in simple series. (Dallas Baker, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) *A grisly sight in the corridor at Springfield Elementary:* There was a dismembered human foot labeled "video," a hand marked "videre," an ear labeled "vidi" and a nose marked "visus." "But who is the victim?" gasped Mrs. Krabappel. The Latin teacher whispered, "It's Mr. Skinner — those are*principal parts."* *The labels are the principal parts (or verb forms) of the Latin// /video,/ "I see." (Latin teacher Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) At a recent summit, Angela Merkel leaned over to Barack Obama and suggested they share a private hot-tub rendezvous. The president whispered back, "Your place or mine?" Just then, Michelle Obama walked by and gave them both a dirty look. At which point Merkel passed Obama a note:*"My Bad."* */Bad/ is a German word for "spa." (Mark Raffman) Why did the exchange student from Athens think his fraternity would have pay toilets? Because the frat was *Pi Pi Phi.* *The modern Greek pronunciation of "pi pi phi" is "pee pee fee." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) What does the worst kid at sports have in common with *Constantine, son of Áed?* Both are the last Pict. *Constantine (c. 874-952) was the last king of the Picts, a Scottish tribe. (Frank Osen) What did one*haloquadratum* say to the other haloquadratum about their forbidden love? "We have to stop mating like this." *Haloquadratae are unicellular organisms that can reproduce only asexually. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) How could Alice be sure that Joe, the masked man, was her mugger? It was *appositive* identification. *An appositive is a noun or noun phrase that re-identifies the noun preceding it; in this entry, "the masked man" is an appositive, offering another identification of Joe besides his name. (English professor Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Physics prof: Do you know what Avogadro's number times Planck's constant equals? Student:**Nah.* Prof: That's it! *In physics, the product of Planck's constant and Avogadro's number is NAh, the molar Planck's constant — the amount of uncertainty associated with calculating the mass of carbon-12. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Why wouldn't the zombies eat the*incompetent geologist?* He had schist for brains. *A metamorphic rock. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) How do you get to Paradise? You get to Paradise through Intercourse, as long as you stop before *Blue Ball. *Paradise, Intercourse and Blue Ball are towns near Lancaster, Pa. (Jim Swartz, Madison, N.J., who died last month; his son-in-law Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md., passed it along) *Still running — deadline Monday, April 25: Our contest for song "tailgaters." See bit.ly/invite1171. ====================================================================== WEEK 1173, published May 1, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1173: Tinker with the recipe — change the name of a food Plus the winning 'reviews' of movies as acrostics of their titles Spaghetti-Z's, not the most thrilling pasta dish. Alter a food name in Week 1173 of The Style Invitational. (Bob Staake /for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment April 28(Click here to skip down to the winning acrostics/backronyms from Week 1169) *Spaghetti-Z's: Okay, not the most exciting dinner in a can ... *Gif: Peanut butter that you'll keep eating and eating and eating ... *Weedies: The more of this cereal you eat, the hungrier you get.* ** Bristle sprouts: Clean out your insides with the highest-fiber vegetable around. Silkworms and sour grapes: The Loser Gourmet Prize Pack for this week's second-place finisher. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) ** Go ahead, play with your food. This week: Slightly change the name of a food or brand of food (or something else in the food industry) and describe it, or write a slogan, jingle, etc. By "slightly change," we mean you shouldn't have to explain to the Empress what the product was in the first place. We've done this contest once before, back in 2009, but there's a lot of food out there; we're sure you can give us a whole new menu. (See this week's Style Conversational column, at bit.ly/conv1173 , (published Thursday afternoon, April 28) to see what got ink in Week 845; you may reuse an inking name as long as you give a significantly different description.) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, of course, food — /two/ foods: first, a can of genuine Korean silkworms, picked up by the Empress at the Lotte supermarket in Springfield, Va., but given a pass by the Royal Consort; and, because we know that the second-place finisher didn't want that ugly ol' Inkin' Memorial anyway, an actual jar of genuine imported sour grapes. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com ./ Deadline is Monday night, May 9; results published May 29 (online May 26). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1173" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon , discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . SPELL CHEEK: THE ACROSTIC 'REVIEWS' FROM WEEK 1169 In Week 1169 we asked you to "review" or otherwise describe a movie, book, play or TV show as an acrostic, or backronym — in which the first letters of the words spell out the name of the work. 4th place: *THE SIMPSONS:* To Homer, everything simple is most precious: sandwiches, oxygen, nuclear science . . . (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 3rd place: *THE MARRIAGE OF FIGARO:* Take "Hamilton's" example: Make a rap revival! It's antiquated, grabs exclusively old farts. Freshen it! Guaranteed audiences! Rap Opera! (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) 2nd place and the 'Number Two Pencil' with poop motif: *PSYCHO:* Peacefully showering, you're clean, happy . . . OMG!!! (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *GAME OF THRONES:* George, act motivated! Expectations of finished tomes have readers overanalyzing nearly every scene! (Kurt Stahl, Frederick, Md.) Lackronyms: Honorable mentions *THE WEST WING:* TV's habitual escapism: Wise executive solves the world's issues — no gridlock! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:* The Hebrews exit (Thanks, Egypt — not!), complaining: "Oy! Moses! Manna again!" Nice desert. Man emotes next to Sinai. (Stephen Gold) *TWILIGHT:* Twit woman inspired love in gorgeous hunks? Typical! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *THE AMERICANS:* Two hairpieced expert apparatchik moles evade Reagan's illustrious CIA as nation sleeps. (Paul Comstock, Lancaster, Pa.) *BATMAN:* Bruce appreciates that manservant Alfred's nonjudgmental. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?:* Washed-up historian overdoes sadistic /amore./ Frump retaliates, and in devilishly overt flirtation vivifies irresistible rookie geometry instructor. (No, it's algebra. Whatever.) Offspring offed. Lasciviously Freudian! (Barry Brennessel, Silver Spring, Md.) *FAST AND FURIOUS:* Forget about story — there's absolutely none. (Does feature unnecessary racing, incessant overdrive, underdressed starlets.) (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *BRIAN'S SONG: Bro relations in action. Next, see sobbing of normal guys. (Steve McClemons, Arlington, Va.) *ATLAS SHRUGGED: "Altruism's totally lame!" Ayn says. Selfish hero's rant: unbelievably gassy. Grimly earnest didacticism. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *BAMBI:* Blam! And Mama bites it! (Hildy Zampella) *DELIVERANCE: Dang, everyone loves interesting vacations. (Exceptions: river abductions, nightmarish carnal encounters.) (Frank Mann, Washington) *MAGIC MIKE:* Matrons are going in crowds; men, insecure, keep exiting. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *WAR AND PEACE:* Wow — avoid Russia! After Napoleon's defeat, proletariat's enraged about cake eating! (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *WAR AND PEACE:* Who actually reads all ninety dozen pages? Eggheads — and counterfeit eggheads. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *STAR TREK:* "Space, the area remaining to research Enterprisingly." — Kirk (Jon Gearhart) *BLAZING SADDLES: Beans launch a zanily incomparable natural gas symphony, all during dastardly losers' eating scene. (Melissa Balmain) *E.T.:* Extra tissues! (Michael Seese, Chagrin Falls, Ohio, a First Offender) *FEAR FACTOR: Folks eating aborted rat fetuses and cockroaches to obtain riches! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *THE ART OF THE DEAL: Trump has excellent advice related to overcompensating for tiny hands, exhorting: "Don't ever apologize, loser!" (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *HAROLD AND MAUDE: He's a really odd lad dating a nutball decades more aged — "Until death" etc. (Melissa Balmain) ** DIE HARD: *Detective in edifice has a rough day. (Jesse Frankovich) *SPIDER-MAN: Some putz in dorky ensemble resembles macho arachnid ninja. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *APOCALYPSE NOW: A psychotic, obsessive colonel — astonishingly loony yet profoundly shrewd — elects neurosis over war. (Frank Mann) ** LOLITA: *Lyin' on Lyon in the afternoon. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *THE BIBLE: "Theological hokum! Egregious babble! Insipid balderdash!" Lord exclaims, OR "Thanks! Helps elucidate Book's insights brilliantly!" Lord exults. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *GENESIS:* Gullible Eve naively enjoys snack, initiating sin. (Jesse Frankovich) *TAXI DRIVER:* Travis's anger x Iris's debasement results in virtually ending Reagan. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *GIGLI: *Gosh, it's godawful — love it! (Chris Doyle) *THE BIG BANG THEORY: They have every big-IQ geek bummed. Aren't nerdy geeks trendy? Here, everyone only radiates "yeesh"! (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *CLEOPATRA: Critics laud Elizabeth's /other/ performance: adding to Richard's amours. (Chris Doyle) ** UGLY BETTY: Univisionesque girl lets you believe energy, talent triumph. Yuck. (Kevin Dopart) ** Still running — deadline Monday night, May 2: our contest to write something using only the words appearing in "American Pie." ====================================================================== WEEK 1174, published May 8, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1174: Colt Following — it's time for the grandfoals On Kentucky Derby weekend, we trot out this year's winning horse names — and saddle up Generation B his year's winning horse names — and saddle up Generation B You weren't one of the 52 Losers who got ink this week? Give it another go with the grandfoals contest. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment May 5 Even though the Empress just finished tossing approximately 3,950 of the Week 1170 "foal" names in her virtual wastebasket — the rest of them got ink today — she's haughtily confident that the Loser Community will trot right back into the starting gate for the Invite's 11th annual "grandfoal" contest. This week: "Breed" any two of the 57 foal names that got ink this week and name the offspring to reflect both parents' names,* in the style of the first-generation combinations published today. Just as for the first-round contest, the names are limited to 18 characters including spaces and punctuation marks. As always, don't "breed" three horses together, and don't give the foal a name that's on the list. As always, you may submit as many as 25 names. Note: Be sure to spell the parents' names as they're printed here. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. And speaking of animal romance: Second place receives, direct from New Zealand from Loser Bruce Alter . . . well, this week it should be jockey shorts, but it's a pair of souvenir boxers with little cartoon kiwi birds crudely romancing little cartoon sheep. The waistband proudly says "New Zealand" all around. This lovely garment will make you look your best Down Under. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com. / Deadline is Monday night, May 16; results published June 5 (online June 2). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include "Week 1174" in your email subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . The Kentucky Derby's second-place finisher wins $400,000. Our second-place grandfoal wins risque boxer shorts from New Zealand. REPORT FROM WEEK 1170: THE PONY-MA PAPERS: THIS YEAR'S TOP FOAL NAMES *In Week 1170 ,* our 22nd annual foal-"breeding" contest, we gave you a list of 100 of the horses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races and asked you to "breed" any two and name the "foal." The field was, as usual, highly crowded — just about 4,000 entries — and, as usual, of Triple Crown quality: The Empress's "shortlist" of worthies topped 250 names. Lots of First Offenders this week, as well as ink for several Losers who play only the horses each year — such as Mary Lee Fox Roe, who, before the Empress started the 25-entry limit, would send in 600 foal names in a single contest. The Empress's job was made immeasurably more manageable by the entry-sorting program created by Loser Jonathan Hardis. (Jonathan could probably measure that, too; he works for the National Institute of Standards and Technology.) 4th place *Awesome Speed x Gulf Of Mexico = Don'tMethWithTexas (Pete Morelewicz, Washington) 3rd place *Suddenbreakingnews x Twenty Four Seven = PlaneStillMissing!* (Mark LeVota, Washington, a First Offender) 2nd place /and thepocket-size Derby board game :/ *Big Red Rocket x Cold Blood = Wile E. Capote (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial *Perfect Saint x Caribbean = Francis Of A C Sea (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) OFF-TRACK BEDDING: HONORABLE MENTIONS *Awesome Speed x Rated R Superstar = Sandra Buttock (Kurt Stahl, Frederick, Md.) *Awesome Speed x Exaggerator = Crystal Meh* (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Cherry Wine x Can't Remember = Bing Cosby (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Mohaymen x Bar None = Mohaypeople* (Jesse Frankovich) *Big Red Rocket x Exaggerator = Thrust But Verify* (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Billy's Kitten x Ten Blessings = Hanukkah Lewinsky* (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) *Bombs Away x Caribbean = Apocalypso* (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Exaggerator x Brody's Cause = Yuge Pianist* (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Molasses Brown x Destin = Desitin* (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Annals of Time x Mighty Moses = Auld Lang Zion* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Attraction x Name Changer = Kiss Me Cait* (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *Big Squeeze x Billy's Kitten = Pus in Boots* (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *General MacArthur x Happy Match = I Shall Re-Burn* (Todd DeLap) *General MacArthur x Mighty Moses = Thou Shalt Return* (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) *General MacArthur x Stradivari = I Shall Retune* (Jeffrey Steinberg, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender; John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *Ima Monster x Pinstripe = HydeOfTheYankees (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.) *Stradivari x Miles of Humor = Yo-Yo Mama* (Steve Price, New York) *Mighty Moses x Big Squeeze = Let My Pimple Go* (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.; Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *Life Is A Trip x Twenty Four Seven = Timothy Weary* (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) *Perfect Saint x Percolator = St. Arbucks* (Gordon Arsenoff, St. Louis) *Economic Model x Flexibility = WhatAnswerYouWant?* (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) *Emoji Man x Can't Remember ¯\_(ツ)_/¯* (Emily Davis, Boise, Idaho) *Awesome Speed x Dressed in Hermes = Nascarf* (Kathryn Perry, Fort Worth, Tex.) *Pinnacle Peak x Diplodocus = Thesaurus* (David Kofalt, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Mighty Moses x Flexibility = TheTenSuggestions* (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) *General MacArthur x Gettysburg = Return Address (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento, Calif., a First Offender) *Giant Trick x Mohaymen = HoMayhem (Sam Laudenslager, Burke, Va.) *Nyquist x Start A War = Dyquick (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *Creator x Catapult = Adam and Heave* (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Great Dane x Who's Out = Not To Be (Annette Green, Lexington, Va., a First Offender) *Mooose x Mor Spirit = Gimme Another O! (Roy Ashley) *Whitmore x Who's Out = __itm_re* (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Mooose x Name Changer = Autocorrect: Nose (John Kammer, South Riding, Va.) *Perfect Saint x Annals of Time = Joan of Archives* (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *Annals Of Time x Gun Runner = Glock Watcher* (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md., a First Offender) *Dressed In Hermes x Can't Remember = Glamnesia* (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.; Jeff Shirley) *Great Dane x Can't Remember = Ham Somebody? (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *Can't Remember x Gulf Of Mexico = Señor Moment* (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Big Squeeze x Mooose = Significant Udder* (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) *Riddler x Big Squeeze = Sphinxter* (John Winant, Annandale, Va.) *Can't Remember x Urban Bourbon = Take the Fifth* (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.; Ellen Raphaeli) *Urban Bourbon x Can't Remember = Jack Denial's (Dudley Thompson) *Dressed In Hermes x Rated R Superstar = Dressed In Herpes (Mary Lee Fox Roe) *Economic Model x Emoji Man = Supply and :D Man (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.) *Magical Mystery x Emoji Man = IM the Walrus (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Emoji Man x Smokey Image = SecondThatEmoticon (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Awesome Speed x Diplodocus = Prontosaurus* (Jeff Contompasis) *Enroute x Magical Mystery = Recalculating "¦* (Stuart Rogers, Toronto) *Enroute x Perfect Saint = Someone Else's Kid (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Pinnacle Peak x Exaggerator = OK, Moderate Mound (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) *Name Changer x Gun Runner = AKA-47* (Danielle Nowlin; Jeff Contompasis) *Magical Mystery x Weight No More = Genie Craig* (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) *Mo Tom x Weight No More = Les Tom (Rose C. Breidenbaugh, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) ** Still running — deadline Monday night, May 9: Our contest to slightly change the name of a food. Seebit.ly/invite1173 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1175, published May 15, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1175: Get lucky with a 13-(Scrabble) point neologism Plus winning song 'tailgaters' — a line from a song followed by a Loser's rhyming line Hamnesia: forgetting what meat tastes like. It's also a 13-point Scrabble word (or would be, if it were in the Scrabble dictionary). What thirteener can you come up with? (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment May 12(Click here to skip down to the winning "tailgaters" — two-line rhymes whose first line is from a song) *HAMNESIA: A vegetarian's inability to recall what meat tastes like. * SNEIKH: A used-camel salesman.* **ZIRI: A phone voice that, whatever you ask, answers: "Huh. Got me." Neologism time! This week's contest was suggested to the Empress /years/ ago by Loser Mark Raffman, who was inspired by a barely related Invite entry by Beverley Sharp: "The agony and the XYZ: Losing at Scrabble because you can't get rid of those dang high-value consonants." Mark's idea: Make up a word whose Scrabble letter values add up to exactly 13, and define it, as in Mark's examples above. (Why 13? Why not?) Anyway, your word cannot be eligible for English-language Scrabble; to check, just type in your word at scrabble.merriam.com to make sure it's not valid. As with all our neologism contests, you're welcome to use your word in a funny sentence to make your entry funnier, and not welcome to use your word in an unfunny sentence. *Scrabble letter values: A, E, I, O, U, L, N, S, T, R: 1 point; D, G: 2 points B, C, M, P: 3 points; F, H, V, W, Y: 4 points; K: 5 points; J, X: 8 points; Q, Z: 10 points You don't have to worry about how many of each tile are available in a Scrabble set. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a device that the Empress wishes she had when her two scions were tykes: It's the*"I Said No" Pen,* a ballpoint with a horn-shaped speaker on the other end that, when you push a button, declaims "NO" in a dozen different ways, from little barking nos to long grunty nos. There's a YouTube clip to the whole repertoire of negativity at bit.ly/no-pen . Donated by Loser Dave Prevar. (The E must now return to simply shouting at stupid entries while she's judging.) *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" ( FirStink for their first ink). *ANNOUNCEMENT: The Style Invitational is entering the 21st century! Starting this week, you won't be sending your entries by email: Instead you'll submit them via the Internet, as with every other contest worth its gourmet sea salt. You'll still be able to put all your entries on a single form, and you'll get an auto-reply e-mail as a confirmation. This new method will ensure that you send us the necessary information and that you don't put the wrong week number on your submission, and it makes it easier for the Empress to hide your name when she's judging. (The field for bribe payments is entirely optional.) TO ENTER THIS WEEK'S CONTEST,click on subpl.at/invite1175. Deadline is Monday night, May 23; results published June 12 (online June 9). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was suggested by both Jeff Shirley and Chris Doyle, the honorable-mentions subhead by Doyle and Jesse Frankovich. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the Style Invitational contest that was announced four weeks ago . . . SWEET ADD-A-LINE: THE SONG TAILGATERS OF WEEK 1171 In Week 1171 we asked for song tailgaters: You choose a line from a song, then follow it with your own, rhyming line. While the Empress said the goal was to make a two-line mini-poem rather than a song parody, many of the entries below do match the songs' tunes (click on the links below for clips of the original songs). 4th place: *Yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dog's eye —* (Lennon/McCartney) Are you really going to give this "new cuisine" a try? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 3rd place: *Do, a deer, a female deer; re, a drop of golden sun; (Rodgers & Hammerstein) Mi is me! Amazing me — fa ahead of everyone . . . — D. T. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2nd place and the 'professional-quality' kazoo and instruction book: *If they say I never loved you, you know they are a liar, (Jim Morrison) If I say I can write lyrics, so am I, or whate-vire. (Mark Raffman) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina in the morning, (Gus Kahn) But if you are transgender and your fluids must surrender, here's a warning . . . (Jesse Etelson, Rockville, Md., whose only previous Invite ink was an honorable mention — in Week 8, 1993) Lyr-icks: honorable mentions *Well, I'm runnin' down the road tryin' to loosen my load, I've got seven women on my mind (Jackson Browne) One is Megyn Kelly, two are kind of smelly, and four have got a big behind. — D.T. (Doug Wadler, Potomac, Md.) *On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair (the Eagles) Didn't put no pants on, cooled my derriere. (John Kammer, South Riding, Va.) *My bonnie lies over the ocean, my bonnie lies over the sea (traditional Scottish song) And it's clear from the Panama Papers, my bonnie's been lying to me. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) *It's not that you're attractive, (Ira Gershwin) I took a vasoactive. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Oh, what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day, (Rodgers & Hammerstein) Metro is running so smoothly with only an hour's delay. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Old man, look at my life, I'm a lot like you were. (Neil Young) When I met your new wife, biblically I knew her. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention; (Paul Anka) On votes, I trail, it's true, but I've got plans for the convention! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *Should auld acquaintance be forgot (Robert Burns) If Vegas was the hookup spot? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *We don't need no education (Roger Waters) Donald Trump is our salvation! (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *When you're weary, feeling small, (Paul Simon) Don't whine to me while I'm watching basketball . . . (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Well, I'm runnin' down the road tryin' to loosen my load (Jackson Browne) Good news is I won't be slowed tryin' to find a commode. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Without your pulling it, the tide comes in . . . (Alan Jay Lerner) But not so, sweetheart, for the garbage bin. (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) *I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping, (George Harrison) It's a good thing you're hot, 'cause you suck at housekeeping. (Mark Raffman) *In my mind I'm going to Carolina (James Taylor) With proof that I was born with this vagina. (Gary Crockett; Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *I am what I am, and what I am needs no excuses (Jerry Herman) I'm out of a job 'cause I'm a slob who hurls abuses. — Curt Schilling (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *I'm back in the saddle again (Gene Autry) Viagra is now my best friend. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) *When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars (Rado and Ragni) We'll hold Supreme Court hearings — if POTUS is one of ours. (Gary Crockett) *I am woman — hear me roar *: (Helen Reddy) The toilet seat is up once more. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Let it go, let it go, can't hold it back anymore (Lopez & Lopez) Go on yell at the screen, like it's changing the score . . . (Charlie Dawson, Greenbelt, Md., a First Offender) *Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling — (Frederic Weatherly) That stupid shower head needs reinstalling. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *She got a big booty so I call her Big Booty (2 Chainz) For some reason lately she's been kind of moody . . . (John Hutchins, Silver Spring) *O! say, can you see, by the dawn's early light (Francis Scott Key) You're up far too soon — we set the clocks back last night. (Ed Edwards, Worcester Park, England) *Doo, doo, doo, lookin' out my back door (John Fogerty) What did I get two Newfoundlands for? (Nan Reiner) *Strangers in the night, exchanging glances (Singleton & Snyder) Wondering in the night just where his pants is . . . (Dan O'Day, Alexandria, Va.) *I'm a nominee of the GOP, or "Gop" — (Cole Porter) (That assumes my superdelegates don't hop.) (Frank Osen) *Well, I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body (George Michael) And as pickup lines go, that one's pretty darn shoddy. (Chris Doyle) *Don't go around tonight; well, it's bound to take your life: (John Fogerty) PMS controls your wife. (Jim Goins, Hampton, Va., a First Offender) *Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition: (Frank Loesser) Gun control has not come to fruition. (Howard Walderman) *We've got a lot of what it takes to get along (Al Dubin) That's why I wed the loudmouth with the tiny . . . hands. — Melania T., New York (Nan Reiner) *Still running — deadline Monday night, May 16: our "grandfoal" contest. See bit.ly/invite1174. ====================================================================== WEEK 1176, published May 22, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1176: Let 'er RIP — write a funny line for someone's obituary Plus: What happened when we asked you to write things using only words from 'American Pie'(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment May 19 (Click here to skip down to the results of the contest to write things using only the words in "American Pie.") *Ms. Johnson had spent three decades as a successful executive in the cable television industry. The funeral service will be next Saturday, sometime between 7 a.m. and 6 p.m.* *A lifelong Redskins fan, Mr. Smith wanted his ashes spread on FedEx Field, just short of the goal line.* Raisin. The Dead: These 1980s ceramic things, second prize for this week's obit-line contest. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Every January, The Style Invitational runs a contest for poems in memory of particular notables who have died in the previous year. New Loser John Hutchins, who's clearly caught the Invite bug, wrote to the Empress to suggest another idea: This week: Write a humorous line or two for someone's obituary — either for a particular person (dead or not) or for a fictional or generic one, as in John's examples above. ** * *NEW: No more emailed entries! Instead, submit them at this website: subpl.at/INVITE1176 . It's super-easy.* Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Speaking of Shriveled Beings No Longer With Us: Second place receives a pair of ceramic California Raisins figurines, part of that weird 1980s promotion featuring Claymation fruit depicted as blues singers. Donated by Sam Laudenslager. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Tuesday, May 31 (for this obit contest, an extra day for Memorial Day); results published June 26 (online June 23). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Danielle Nowlin, Jon Gearhart and Jesse Frankovich; Danielle did the honorable-mentions subhead, too, as did William Kennard. "Let 'er RIP" is by John Hutchins. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . THE LEVITY WAS DRY: 'PIE' SPLICES FROM WEEK 1172 Week 1172 was one of our word-bank contests: to write something using only the words in the song "American Pie"; you could add punctuation but couldn't use a word more often than it appears in the song. (The entry deadline was the day before Ted Cruz dropped out of the presidential race.) Outstanding stuff here; I don't want to think about how much time these people used on this contest. The Empress thanks, enormously, Loser Gary Crockett, who ran these entries through a validating program he'd created to make sure there weren't any words that aren't in the song or were used too frequently; details are in this week's Style Conversational column. 4th place: "To love me well with your candlestick, Oh Jack! Be nimble — but not that quick." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 3rd place: We all watched on the news when that bad man — Oh-James, who long ago played on the field — went Broncin'. How did his bride die? We know how! So, when we saw the verdict, we all screamed and cried (well, most people . . .). But before long, he stole and got caught, and was tried, and now he is off the streets for good. And that's only just. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place /and the mug depicting Princess Leia as Rosie the Riveter: / One time, I did write "your" in place of "you're" and the "word lovers" caught it and went off on me. Those people? There just not well. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *The Quartet Looking for the American Crown /On the left:/ *The Queen* — bride of a man we recall; did write a book; knew sergeants died. *The Pink-oh* — off the Marx; children admire him. /On the rite:/ *The Jester:* in tune with American rage; can fire every one; fat hands; foul. And last,*the Bible Lover's Man:* not American-born; singin' "no levee"; no friend, no chance. The verdict: not good. (Mary Kappus, Washington) Jesters on the sidelines: honorable mentions Do you remember all the fallout from that time when Miss Jack-son revealed something real quick in her half-time dance on air while just about every American watched? Now that was a news /flash!/ (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) The space people came down from above and my "can" was (well, you know what they do). I clenched and cried but, good news! I'd dreamed it! Man, I can /never/ be drinking perfume again before night time. (Jeff Shirley) "Admire my hands!" said the man on the stage. No. Just No. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) I was looking for some one who can teach me: What is that "broncin'"ˆ" word? I asked three people and all I got was: — "Hell if I know." — "Just 'broken,' but more so, maybe?" — "Come off it, son — you been drinking?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) It was so sweet when the Dancin' Candlestick died, the cast of the play sang "Be Our Ghost." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *He: "Every time we made love, I saw to it that we practiced what the Holy Father and the church said to, and now we have ten children — all born in the last eight years!" *She:* "He was into rhythm and I got the blues." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Jester:* "What can I do for you?" *Jack:* "Whiskey." *Jester:* "We have Bad Luck Whiskey, Deep Do Do Whiskey, Ole Gym Shoes Whiskey, and Die Slow and Lonely Whiskey." *Jack:* *Jester:* "Well?" *Jack: "Hell with it, make it a can of Carnation." (Jeff Shirley) The one you were born from is so fat, she could be used as a levee! (Jesse Frankovich) "Holy hell, that's some good grass, man! Now for more whiskey . . ." "No, no — time for church, Father James!" (Brendan Beary) I came, I saw, I couldn't Be for that man. I wouldn't. We just can't have that you-know-who As our crown god, for me and you. There was a dig about his hands; So be it. His, a jester dance. That man is for the birds, write I; The Devil's own. For him, bye-bye. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Music of the Met: People die singing, and they take a long, long time to do so. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Me:* "Did you just flash the bride?" *My friend:* "Well, I wouldn't have, but I saw her admire my hands." (Mark Raffman) Helter-me, skelter-me, Satan, the King of Hell, Down in the flames with the Most dark of men, Is he as foul as that Rage-touched-American Man who could make the place So good again? (Jesse Frankovich) He helter and clenched her can, but she screamed and kicked him in the bells. "Buck you!" he cried. (Frank Osen) *Miss:* "Jack, take me now and make me shiver with delight!" *Jack:* "Miss? I do not know you, and what is more, James and I, we've been happy lovers for a while." *Miss:* "Oh. My bad." (Jeff Shirley) I was a king, but you kicked me out. Now you have Satan made mortal. Who is laughing now? (J. Boehner, Cincinnati) (Todd DeLap) "How come you got ten years for just a broken light on your Chevy?" "Oh, well, there was some more: I 'borrowed' that truck; I was high and had been drinking; and I was caught with what turned out to be the sergeant's bride." (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) "We used to make love all day long," the bride said to her friend. "But now the only real chance I have is when he tells me, " 'Half-time maybe "¦' " (Chris Doyle) In my teenage years, I was in a band. I was high on grass and into drinking. And practiced in love as well — every night a pickup! Do my children know that? No! They only take me for a fat father from a played-out generation. (Mark Raffman) People die every day, but for some who we admire for the music they made . . . man oh man, could we slow it down some? It is as if God got lonely and went looking for one hell of a rhythm-and-blues band. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) *And Last:* Miss My-years (that's how you spell it, no?): If I read the paper and you have not used one of my own again, just know that this'll make me die inside. (Jesse Frankovich, who gets to live inside at least one more week) *Still running — deadline Monday night, May 23: Our contest to create new words totaling 13 Scrabble points. See bit.ly/invite1175 . Remember, to enter the Week 1176 obit-line contest above, submit your entry or entries at subpl.at/INVITE1176 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1177, published May 29, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1177: The Ballad Box — write an election-themed song parody Plus 'S'morons' and other winning wordplays on food names Hey, he could be a Loser! The Post's editorial cartoonist shows a flair for song parody, below. (Tom Toles/The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment May 26(Click here to skip down to the results of our Week 1173 contest for wordplays on food) *Meet Donald, likely nominee, failing up from bankruptcy, * But Sarah just carries his torch, has only seen countries she can see from her porch, * What a crazy pair! *But they're cousins, identical cousins all the way.* *Self-regarding in matching mirrors, pro and protege.* *Where Donald adores a marble lobby, and firing people is his hobby,* *Our Sarah loves to fire a gun, or skin a bear just for fun, * What a wild duet!* *Still they're cousins, identical cousins, and you'll find * They think alike, they quote alike, they even self-promote alike — *You can lose your mind* *When opportunists . . . are two of a kind!* Accent your refrigerator's Loser Magnets with some mixed-up political platitudes. The word set is just part of this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) That nifty parody of the "Patty Duke Show" theme was not by one of our regular Loserbards, but by Tom Toles, The Post's Pulitzer Prize-winning editorial cartoonist. Tom posted it along with this cartoon on his blog, where 66-time Loser Dion Black saw it and showed the Empress, reminding her that we wouldn't want to miss out on the chance to sing about /this/ election. This week: Write a song related to this year's elections, set to a familiar tune. In the online Invite I'll link to clips of the original songs (or to your own clips, if you submit them), but you're more likely to get ink in the print version if you use a very well-known tune (and write short). You get an extra week for this: Deadline is Monday night, June 13.* We did this contest for the 2008 election as well; see the fantabulous results at bit.ly/invite789 (scroll down to see the results). *NEW: No more emailing entries! Instead, submit them at this website: subpl.at/INVITE1177 . It's super-easy.* Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a Political Twin Pack: a Time-Life DVD of "Presidential Bloopers," including footage of Ford stumbling off Air Force One, Reagan dozing off in a news conference, and George H.W. Bush falling to his knees on a bowling lane; plus the Mixed-Up Politician "magnetic poetry" set — 200 little magnetic words and phrases like "a thousand points of light," "sexual relations" and "stops here." Donated by Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 13; results published June 26 (online June 23). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Roy Ashley; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jon Gearhart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . WIT ON A SHINGLE: THE FOOD PUNS OF WEEK 1173 In Week 1173 we asked you to slightly change the name of a food or brand of food and describe the result. Lots of entries this week, but so many were past their sell-by date ("I Scream: Desserts for scary movies") or just plain undercooked ("Beerios: Cheerios with beer in them"). Fortunately, the Empress is an intrepid shopper and came home with a nice basket of these. 4th place: *S'moron:* A chocolate graham cracker sandwiched between two toasted marshmallows. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 3rd place: *Crap 'n' Crunch:* The Breakfast of Multitaskers. (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento, Calif.) 2nd place and the can of silkworms and the jar of sour grapes: *Lawnuts:* Extract from shell at own risk. Must be 18 to use oven. We are not responsible for burns or allergies. By baking with this product, you waive your right to a jury trial. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Phlegm in meringue pie: What you get when you're nasty to your waitress. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) It's just nacho day: honorable mentions *Chili con 'kay, so? Bland Mexican food. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington, Va.) *More neigh sauce:* We can't tell you the secret ingredient . . . (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Oyster spew:* Served in months without an R (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Trollhouse cookies:* INEDIBLE GARBAGE made by COMPLETE IDIOTS for WORTHLESS LOSERS!! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Honey-glazed pasties: Favorite treat at the Secret Service party. (William Kennard, Arlington) *FriToes:* Corns chips. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *Flay of sole:* An old Gitmo favorite, made with enhanced preparation techniques. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Pop Secrete: It's self-buttering! (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *Collie flour:* What hot dog buns are made from. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Berned toast:* Hillary's first choice for breakfast (Caroline Warfel, Exton, Pa., a First Offender) *Egg McNuthin':* Scrambled egg whites, veggie sausage and soy cheese on a gluten-free bun. (Ed Sobansky, Bowie, Md., a First Offender) *Couch potato salad:* A cookie crumb/ crushed-chip/ popcorn kernel blend vacuumed from under the sofa cushions. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Colonel B. Sanders Chicken:* Not only will there be a free chicken in every pot, you'll also get a free pot. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *WETAbix: Cracker that increases both sex drive and pledge drive. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *Crime of Wheat:* Cereal you ate during Passover. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Trumpkin Pie:* With its vibrant orange color and assertiveness, it is very popular, though not quite as rich as it appears. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *Pasta PrimaBerra:* It's 90 percent pasta and the other half is vegetables. (Tom Witte) *"Sesame" Chicken: Who knew Big Bird would be so tender and juicy? (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Peeking duck:* It's not a good sign when your dinner casts a baleful eye at you. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Gop Tarts:* Only one flavor is still available, and now it's subject to a manufacturer's recall. (Frank Mann, Washington) *Egg too yung:* A fried chicken embryo. (Chris Doyle) *French flies:* "First we swat 'em, then we pot 'em. Salt their bodies, top to bottom. Crispy, tasty, nice and lean: French flies are your haute cuisine." (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Spandexopita:* Rich tarts served at big, big, fat, fat Greek weddings. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) *Feelawful:* A giant platter of fried chickpeas with chickpea sauce on chickpea bread. (Edward Gordon, Austin) *McTheDonald's:* New home of the whopper. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Oysters Blockafella:* Not reputed to be so much of an aphrodisiac. (Danielle Nowlin) *Mr./Ms. Peanut: May or may not include nuts. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Porn flakes:* And you thought alphabet soup was fun! (Jack McCombs, Fairfax, Va.) *Kvetch of the day:* The menu item that boasts zero satisfied customers. (Mark Briscoe, Alexandria, Va.) *Wander Bread:* Manna. (Gary Crockett) *Rantatouille:* Made with really steamed vegetables! (Frank Osen) *Scrimp cocktail:* Imitation shellfish and ketchup. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Chilean Seabiscuit: On a French menu, it's listed under "Fruits de Mare." (Christopher Lamora) *Buffalo wins:* The recipe for this tailgating snack is so tricky, it is now enjoyed only on very rare occasions. (John Hutchins) *Pupu Splatter:* An even less appetizing appetizer than the original. (Dave Matuskey) *WaPo' Boy: A dish of crow eaten by many a Style Invitational entrant. (Jeff Shirley) *Still running — deadline Tuesday night, May 31: Our contest for funny lines in obituaries. See bit.ly/invite1176 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1178, published June 5, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1178: A ___ of collective nouns Plus 'Yogurt Berra' and the other winning 'grandfoals' An amalgam of dentists, one of the collective nouns from the Week 14 contest. We're collecting again in Week 1178. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment June 2(Click here to skip down to the winning "grandfoals" of Week 1174) *An AMALGAM of dentists// /(Marilyn Glaser) / This week's second prize: a more cuddly version of the dust mite. Actual size: 5 inches. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *A BROOD of pessimists* /(P.P. Rao, Chuck Smith)/ *A GREAT DEAL of used-car salesmen* /(Tim and Heather Allen) / A clowder of cats. A murder of crows. A busyness of ferrets. They're "terms of venery," collective nouns for various animals, most of them originated centuries ago by hunters. And what seems like centuries ago — Week 14, in 1993 — The Style Invitational ran a contest for novel collective nouns, producing a [collective noun] of entries, including the three above. In the course of her dozen-year reign, the Empress has been regularly beseeched to run this contest again, but had always declined, replying politely with a list of the 40 or so collective nouns that got ink in the Invite's first year. (see them at bit.ly/invite17 ; scroll down a little). But just last week, Loser Duncan Stevens sent the E some pretty persuasive examples (I'll let him save them for the contest), and so we'll cross our fingers and go for it. This week: Propose one or more funny new names for groups of things,* as in the examples above. *NEW: No more emailing entries! Instead, submit them at this website: subpl.at/INVITE1178 . Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a cute, cuddly plush Beanie Baby-size dust mite, from the Giant Microbes series of toys. You might like to cuddle up with it in bed, even though your bed is likely to already have several million of the real kind, along with their droppings. Donated eons ago by Paul Kondis. A real, not so cute dust mite, living in your bed right now: actual size 0.008 inch. (U.S. Government via Wikipedia) *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 13; results published July 3 (online June 30). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago . . . COLT FUSION: THE GRANDFOALS OF WEEK 1174 Week 1174 was our annual "grandfoal" spinoff contest: The challenge was to "breed" two of the winning foal names from Week 1170. And /that/ contest was our famous one to "breed" any two names from a list of this year's Triple Crown-nominated horses. The grandfoal contest is always more challenging than the first round because the names are already full of puns, and often not very "name"-like. But as in the 10 previous runnings, the field was star-studded. Or the studs were star-fielded. Or something. 4th place *Thou Shalt Return x Not To Be = Lost Thy Receipt* (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 3rd place *Kiss Me Cait x Nascarf = Kar Krashian* (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) 2nd place /and theNew Zealand cartoon boxer shorts :/ *Gimme Another O! x Hanukkah Lewinsky = ooooOoooo (Ben Aronin, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Autocorrect: Nose x Señor Moment = No Sé * (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) The siring squad: honorable mentions *Sandra Buttock x Adam and Heave = TushComesToShove* (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) *Let My Pimple Go x Glock Watcher = ZittyZittyBangBang (Charles Trahan, Columbia, Md.) *St. Arbucks x Hanukkah Lewinsky = Dr. Essstain* (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) *Hanukkah Lewinsky x Apocalypso = Dreidelocks* (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Yuge Pianist x Señor Moment = I Love Hispanics! (Laurie Brink) *Ham Somebody x Thrust But Verify = My Bad, Polonius* (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) *Desitin x Señor Moment = Not Toothpaste!* (David Kleinbard, Maramoneck, N.Y.) *¯\_(ツ)_/¯ x Desitin = Shruggies (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Apocalypso x HydeOfTheYankees = Reggae Jackson* (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) *Significant Udder x Thou Shalt Return = Cowabungee* (Laurie Brink) *Apocalypso x Kiss Me Cait = I Pucker Lips So* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Don'tMethWithTexas x Recalculating . . . = Don'tMathWithTexas (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *Don'tMethWithTexas x Not To Be = DismemberTheAlamo (Steve Price, New York) *Don'tMethWithTexas x Señor Moment = TheAlamo,Remember?* (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.) *Hanukkah Lewinsky x Glock Watcher = Armed&StainedDress (Brian Cohen, Norfolk, Va.) *HydeOfTheYankees x Significant Udder = Yogurt Berra* (Wendy Sparks, Rockville, Md.) *IM The Walrus x Autocorrect: Nose = Goo Goo Kerchoo* (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *IM The Walrus x Auld Lang Zion = Goo Goo G'Jew* (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Larry Gray) *St. Arbucks x Apocalypso = Jubilatte Day-O* (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *St. Arbucks x Yuge Pianist = Moby Dick* (Pam Sweeney) *Yuge Pianist x ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ = It Was Thiiis Big*! (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *¯\_(ツ)_/¯ x Autocorrect: Nose = Killjoy Was Here* (Harold Mantle) *Adam and Heave x St. Arbucks = Pukin' Spice Latte* (Victoria Fombelle, Rochester, N.Y., a First Offender) *PlaneStillMissing! x Nascarf = Amelia Earnhardt* (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) *Adam and Heave x TheTenSuggestions = In Sin You Ate* (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *Adam and Heave x Thou Shalt Return = Sick Transit* (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) *AKA-47 x Pus In Boots = AnnieGetYourGunk* (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) *AKA-47 x Take The Fifth = AKA-37.6 (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) *Bing Cosby x Gimme Another O! = How Bout Jail-O (Jonathan Hardis) *Genie Craig x Yuge Pianist = Wish Liszt* (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Dyquick x Yuge Pianist = Bucket Liszt* (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *Glock Watcher x __itm_re = Shooting Blanks* (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) *Ham Somebody x I Shall Retune = Alexander Hemitone (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Nascarf x Take The Fifth = Isadora Drunken* (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *WhatAnswerYouWant? x Kiss Me Cait = Dear Sir Or Madam (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) *IM The Walrus x Pus In Boots = AOL & the Pussycat (Matt Monitto) *Nascarf x Recalculating . . . = It's ONE LEFT TURN (Matt Monitto) *Kiss Me Cait x Señor Moment = Taming Of The Who? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *Recalculating x Gimme Another O! = GP yes-Yes-YES!! (Bill Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.; Jon Gearhart) *Señor Moment x Sphinxter = AARPee* (Rick Haynes) *Significant Udder x OK, Moderate Mound = Dolly Partly* (Lewis Lesansky, Burke, Va.) *Yo-Yo Mama x I Shall Retune = Error on a GString* (Marilyn Pifer, Falls Church, Va.) *Yo-Yo Mama x Wile E. Capote = Hairiest Truman (Nan Reiner) *Sandra Buttock x I Shall Re-Burn = Arseonist (Jane Auerbach) *Wile E. Capote x Dyquick = In LOL'd Blood* (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.) *Significant Udder x Señor Moment = Teato Puente* (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Gimme Another O! x Yuge Pianist = Vanna Cliburn (Danielle Nowlin) *Genie Craig x Francis Of A C Sea = Jinn and Tunic (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) *Take the Fifth x Thrust But Verify = Refuse To Lancer (Brad Alexander) Still running — deadline Monday night, June 13: our political song parody contest. See bit.ly/invite1177 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1179, published June 12, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1179: Blasted alphabetical contests ... Give us an ABC phrase Plus 'Dvork,' 'purranha' and more winning 13-Scrabble-point neologisms Cute Animals Barfing: Not quite the most popular video genre out there, but a good example for our ABC-phrase (or permutations) contest. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment June 9 *Cute Animals Barfing: Less popular videos circulating on Facebook* *"Beware: Congress Appropriating": New hazard signs at the Capitol* *Annual Bowel Contraction: Medical measurement for the tragically constipated* This week's contest is the "brain"-child of Loser Jeff Shirley, who noted that while the Invitational has run contests to compare two real entities with the same three-letter abbreviation, we don't seem to have run this variation: This week: Coin a three-word phrase whose words begin with A, B and C — in any order — and describe it,* as in Jeff's examples above. It may be an actual phrase or name if you describe it with breathtaking wit. Yes, YOU could win an electronic bubble fart machine that Chris Doyle(not pictured) didn't want! This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *NEW: No more emailing entries! Instead, submit them at this website: subpl.at/INVITE1179 . Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a prize that was inexplicably declined by Chris Doyle in 2014: It'sBubble Geezer, a battery-powered machine in which a plastic grandpa blows bubbles from his exposed keister. Well, maybe it's a wee bit explicable: Chris, the Invite's highest-scoring Loser, has been a winner or runner-up /two hundred eleven times./ Still, he has won only one electronic fart sculpture. I think. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 20; results published July 10 (online July 7). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . YUX in the headline for this week's results was submitted by both Tom Witte and Jeff Contompasis; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress is hanging out at the West Chester Poetry Conference in Pennsylvania this weekend, tossing in her two cents (U.S.) at a workshop on light verse and song parodies, so no online column this week. REPORT FROM WEEK 1175: YUX: THE 13-SCRABBLE-POINT NEOLOGISMS FROM WEEK 1175* In Week 1175 we asked you to create new words whose Scrabble letter values add up to 13 (without blanks, bingos, etc.) and that weren't in an actual Scrabble dictionary. The Empress gives a letter of distinction — his choice of Q or Z — to Loser Todd DeLap, who ran her short­list of words through a validator he'd constructed, flagging "pepcoed" (14 points) and "snafusion," which is a TWELVER. Hey, whoever wrote those neologisms, you might as well save them; we could do this contest again with any number. 4th place *DVORK:* Your friend who can name the composer of every symphony. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) 3rd place *LOOCIFER:* The person who didn't replace the toilet paper roll. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) 2nd place and the I Said No talking pen: *GODSPLAIN:* If logic won't do, perhaps there's a biblical passage you can quote out of context. (Frank Mann, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *DCAYED: Having served in federal office too long. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Double nerd scores: honorable mentions *RETWERPS:* People who lack the courage to say things for themselves. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *TELLUBRIDE: Least popular ski resort for bachelor parties. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *CATULENCE:* Gas produced by Fluffy sleeping on the bed. Yeah, it was definitely Fluffy. (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) *BATHEIST:* Someone who believes in cleanliness but not godliness. (Jeff Shirley) *ADOLLTERY: Cheating on your inflatable girlfriend. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *BIMBROS: Surfer dudes. (Lee Graham, Arlington, Va.) *CARNIBORE:* A proselytizer for the Paleo Diet. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *PESTATARIAN:* Someone who tells you constantly why his new diet is the best ever and insists that you switch immediately from that lethal trash you've been ingesting. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *DAYLUGES:* A series of aquatic events held continually last month throughout the D.C. area. (Joy Gawen, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) *BAGOBITS: The modern-day airplane snack. (Kimberly Baer, Woodbridge, Va.) *RHINOSTONE:* Fancy term for a booger. (Kevin Dopart) *MEOUCH:* A scar from when you rub your cat the wrong way. My husband has a large meouch on his arm from our brown tabby, recently renamed Zorro. (Kate Sternberg, Reston, Va., who got her only other blot of Invite ink in 2005) *PURRANHA:* A seemingly innocent kitty that attacks without warning. (Jeff Shirley) *CADULLAC:* A Buick. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *BIDDAY:* An eBay auction for bathroom fixtures. (Pete Kinsella, Glen Allen, Va., a First Offender) *AUTOSOMNIAL:* So boring you put even yourself to sleep. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington, Va.) *FARTESIANS:* Their model is "I stink; therefore I am." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *FOPAW: A type of shoe worn by politicians to cover their tracks. (Jon Gearhart) *MAWDUST:* Orange powder that collects on your lips when you're munching Cheetos. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *IMPALEGO:* A painful condition occurring on the soles of the feet. Afflicts primarily parents of young children. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *GREENCH:* Whoever installed the ultra-low-flush toilets at work. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *KENITALIA:* Barbie's boyfriend is now anatomically correct! (Chris Doyle) *HILLARIOUS:* Describes a joke that isn't funny, even though the jokester tries very, very hard to make it so. (Duncan Stevens) *HILLBERN: A left-handed driver who unintentionally drives the car off a cliff. (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) *HILLYRE:* A somewhat screechy instrument prone to playing false notes; produces an inexplicable twang in southern climes. (Bill LeWarne, Darnestown, Md., who got HIS only other blot of ink in Week 104 — 21 years ago) *TRUMPTEEN:* Yuge in number. "He's taken trumpteen different positions on that issue in the past month." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *DOODOODLES:* Those poop emoji. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *HASHTAT: A permanent memento of your favorite tweet. (Lee Graham) *MOMPETE:* To engage in one-upmanship over who has the more outstanding offspring. "Emily's son is selling lemonade to raise money for orphaned illiterate puppies. How do I mompete with that?" (Hildy Zampella) *MORTGAUGE:* An instrument for measuring how far underwater you are. (Jesse Frankovich) *THERMOSS:* Fuzzy growth that covers the inside of the bottle your kid left in her locker since April. (Jeff Contompasis) *VOLUPTUA: Roman goddess of the hourglass. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *ZERT:* A dieter's no-calorie treat substitute. "No, thanks, on that chocolate cake; I'm planning to enjoy a little mint-waxed floss for my zert." (Danielle Nowlin) *GASSAULTING:* Letting one fly in the elevator. (George-Ann Rosenberg) *ANUSTHESIA:* Preparation H. (Chris Doyle) *TRIKK: To cheat at Scrabble by using more of a certain tile than are in a regulation set. (Jeff Contompasis) *TWELVER:* A word that wouldn't qualify for this contest. (Jesse Frankovich) *SCATOLERANT: What the Empress of The Style Invitational has to be. (Duncan Stevens) *TWO contests still running — deadline for both is Monday night, June 13: for political song parodies (see bit.ly/invite1177 ) and for new collective nouns (bit.ly/invite1178 ). And remember — don't email your entries! Use these links to send them. (Copy them into the form in case something goes wrong; to make the entry area on the form bigger, click on the little triangle on lower right corner of the box and drag it down.) The form for Week 1179: subpl.at/INVITE1179 For Week 1178: subpl.at/INVITE1178 For Week 1177: subpl.at/INVITE1177 Sensing a pattern here, folks? ====================================================================== WEEK 1180, published June 19, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1180: Strip search — play off a line of text in a comic strip Plus a lit' obit of fun with the winners of Week 1176(From "Zits," by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman, King Features Syndicate, altered by Bob Staake for The Washington Post with a parody by Chris Doyle) By Pat Myers Entertainment June 16 (Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1176, funny lines in obituaries) *"When we think of Alaska, butterflies aren't the first image that comes to mind . . ." ("Mark Trail," June 12) */No, that would be lipstick on a moose. / This week's contest was suggested by Royal Consort Mark Holt, the Empress's main squeeze. Mark, a regular reader of The Post's comics section, thought it would be fun to take lines from various comics out of context and lend them that Loserly touch. It's a lot like our recurring contest Questionable Journalism, but with just the funnies. This week: Find a line of text from any comic strip or panel that appears on The Post's comics pages or on washingtonpost.com/comics , dated anywhere between June 16 and June 27, and either*(a) supply a question that the original line could answer, as in Chris Doyle's line that replaces "Find the problem?" in the cartoon above; or (b) follow it with your own line of dialogue or reply, as in the Alaska example. Write your entries as text — you don't have to put them in pictures — but include the name and date of each comic you're using. * Local journalist Brady Holt (aka Son of Empress) models this week's second-prize noodly appendage. (Valerie Holt) *NEW: No more emailing entries! Instead, submit them at this website: subpl.at/INVITE1180 . Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulous fuzzy green and yellow beanie with soft noodly tentacles boinging out every which way. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 27; results published July 17 (online July 14). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . "Bones Mots" in the subhead below is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead was suggested by both Jesse Frankovich and Jeff Shirley. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . . *BONES MOTS: DEAD-ON OBIT HUMOR FROM WEEK 1176* In Week 1176 we asked for a humorous line for someone's obituary — and the person could be real or fictional, specific or generic, living or not. Our fingers are crossed tightly in hope that between press time and the moment you read this, someone below didn't become "not." 4th place: Visitation for Mr. Fosse will be held at 5-6-7-8! (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) 3rd place: Ms. McMurray, assistant to the Great Magico until her recent unfortunate accident, will be laid to rest on May 2 at 12:30 p.m. at Highland Park Cemetery, and on May 3 at 1:30 at Mountain View Memorial Park. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) 2nd place and the pair of ceramic California Raisins: Reminiscences about Mr. Jones will be offered in a special service by his colleagues in the American Auctioneers' Society,* today from 9 a.m. to 9:01 a.m. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: In keeping with his wishes, Kim Jong Un will not die. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Passed on: honorable mentions *Mr. Schwarzenegger will not be back. (Duncan Stevens) *The Taliban* announced that the funeral of its new leader, who has yet to be named, has been tentatively scheduled for early August. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) For those planning to attend the funeral of the*Kennedy Center executive,* please note that you must have attended four other funerals this season . (George Smith, Frederick, Md.) *Mr. Tarantino* was shot dozens of times, stabbed, impaled with a samurai sword, immolated, and left in a giant pool of fake blood, in accordance with his funeral wishes. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) After repeated attacks by Donald Trump, Civility* finally succumbed to its wounds last night. It will reportedly be buried next to the late Humility and Accountability. (Leigh Giza, Bristow, Va.) Correction: Our report yesterday that we had greatly exaggerated Mr. Twain's death was in error. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Alas, Zayn Malik failed to notice that not all the traffic came from One Direction. (Victoria Fombelle, Decatur, Ill.) We are saddened to report that Mr. Jrzbzzg,* a retired announcer for Metrorail, grmmphled on Drccssday. Services will be held at Fllimmpjg Church on Swzthmnk Street. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Mrs. Jones, who suffered from recurrent episodes of amnesia, used personal experiences to inspire her work as a soap opera scriptwriter.* She leaves behind four ex-husbands, her current husband/former stepson, two children who aged from infancy to adolescence overnight, and an evil twin. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) Today, Elisha Graves Otis ascended for the last time. No buttons were necessary. (Steve Honley, Washington) The conjoined triplets led a long and cheerful life, but now they are six feet under. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Mr. Gridley will be buried beside his beloved wife. Lifelong crossword enthusiasts,* the Gridleys will lie in eternal rest, two across and six down. (Hildy Zampella) *Gregor Samsa*, a traveling salesman and recent reclusive, was killed in his home during a scheduled pest control treatment. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Mrs. Yomama was laid to rest yesterday in a coffin they hadda get from Pods. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Alice "Tinker" Bell died suddenly last week during the taping of a TV show when a stagehand neglected to flash the applause sign . (Chris Doyle) Harriet was a lifelong NPR listener.* In lieu of flowers, please call the local station and drone on for 15 minutes about how great she was. (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) *Mr. LaPierre was buried with the traditional 300-million-gun salute. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) California-bound settler George Donner* perished in the Sierra Nevadas, reportedly from consumption. (Chris Doyle) *Ernest Hemingway died. (Tom Glynn, Los Altos, Calif., a First Offender) *Mr. Brin's memorial service is expected to last .00482 seconds, but mourners will no doubt be impatient anyway. (Mike Gips) Though he did not survive his attempt to go over Niagara Falls in a canoe a second time, Mr. House was fondly remembered as being"good till the last drop." (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) Ms. Lee financed her law school tuition by working as an exotic dancer.* In lieu of flowers, donations may be slipped into the lacy elastic band around her casket. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Because of renovations to the funeral home, mourners of Mr. Wiedefeld* will be admitted only at 24-minute intervals. (Duncan Stevens) Mr. Newton, an avid bungee-jumping* enthusiast, died suddenly after a brief battle with the ground. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) To attend the wake for "Family Circus" creator Bil Keane,* mourners are advised to run around the chapel, tramp through the garden, weave between the bushes, jump in the sandbox, play with the dog, run around the chapel again, knock on the door andask for Billy. (Rob Cohen, Potomac) Ms. Wilson, whose successful real estate career spanned three decades, was interred in a spacious 35-square-foot mahogany coffin, with a vaulted lid and high-end brass fittings. (Rob Huffman) *Noted litigator Dewey Cheatham was officially pronounced dead yesterday at 10 a.m. Funeral services are stayed pending an appeal of the coroner's findings. (Frank Mann, Washington) *Luciano Pavarotti departed this life precisely when Your Mama started singing. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Survivors of former Virginia governor Robert McDonnell request that, in lieu of flowers, donations be made to — never mind, just send flowers. (Frank Mann) Jack Ullman, the "donut czar"* of greater Cleveland, died early Thursday morning. His body is to be kremated. (Rob Huffman) In lieu of flowers, the family requests that you refrain from mentioning his participation in The Style Invitational. (Gary Crockett) /And last: / The Empress of The Style Invitational* was remembered last weekend at a rousing memorial service. One mourner observed, "I don't think I've ever heard a 'Be Our Guest' parody at a funeral before." (Duncan Stevens) *Still running — deadline Monday night, June 20: our contest for A-B-C (or B-C-A, etc.) phrases. See bit.ly/invite1179 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1181, published June 26, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1181: Put it in Bee-verse — write a spelling-word poem And guess who gets skewered most in our winning political song parodies? Ptyalism is excessive salivation -- just as you're no doubt drooling in anticipation of the Week 1181 contest to use National Spelling Bee words in a funny poem. (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment June 23(Click here to skip down to the winning election-theme song parodies of Week 1177) * /PTYALISM: excessive salivating (pronounced TY-alism)/ *Imagine having ptyalism, so you salivate a lot *And also having nihilism, which means you haven't got* *Much regard for others. Mix contempt with many drools,* */Et voilà ! /You're free to walk the streets just spitting on those fools.* /— Gene Weingarten, Washington Post Po' Wit Laureate/ Now that the annual National Spelling Bee has become a virtually impossibly competitive prime-time sport — do the kids have agents yet to wangle flash card endorsements? — its organizers have been tinkering with the format, adding and dropping the number of rounds played, throwing in a vocabulary test to winnow the whizzes. But we're waiting for a new question that a stumped seventh-grader can use to stall for time: "Would you use it in a poem, please?" Since once again, the Losers will be ready to oblige.*This week: Write a short, humorous poem using one of the 36 words listed at the bottom of this column, all from the 2016 bee. The list contains pronunciations and brief definitions as well. You need to use the word in its actual meaning,* not a pretend one. ** *NEW: No more emailing entries! Instead, submit them at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1181 . Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place in this lit'ry contest will receive two fine volumes: "How Animals Have Sex: A Guide to the Reproductive Habits of Creatures Great and Small," donated by Melissa Balmain; and "Humpy the Moose," a children's book that has nothing to do with the reproductive habits of creatures great, despite the tsk-tsk thoughts of donor Jon Gearhart. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Tuesday evening, July 5 (you get an extra day!); results published July 24 (online July 21). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The "Candiditties" headline was submitted by both Tom Witte and Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *CANDIDITTIES: THE POLITICAL PARODIES OF WEEK 1177* *In ourWeek 1177 parody contest,* the Empress sought songs about the presidential campaign. While the more than 200 songs submitted ranged from old folk ballads to Kanye raps — with several "Hamiltons" — most of the lyrics had one of two themes: 1. He's horrible. 2. They're both horrible. The links in the titles below will take you to a video clip so you can listen to the tune while reading the parody lyrics; where noted, the Losers themselves sing on the videos. We are so multimedia. 4th place: /(to "Let It Go" )/ The crowd is white at the White House tonight, Not a brown face to be seen. A kingdom of deportation, And Ivanka is the queen. The kids are howling as we load them on the bus, But they've got to go — they don't look like us. Don't let them in. Don't let them stay. Send Hispanics and Muslims all away! I'll build a wall from sea to sea, for you and me. Make 'em go, make 'em go, don't want them here anymore. Let 'em go, Let 'em go, through the wall and slam the door. I don't care what those people say. I'll just send them home. We never wanted them anyway. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) 3rd place: *Smile, Chris Christie* /(to "Smile" ) / Smile, though your soul is breaking. Smile, though the toll it's taking Makes you a chump when you stand behind Trump. You can't smile. You look so unhappy. Your life just seems so crappy. It's all right there on my TV to see. Your eyes look red and misty. You blew it big, Chris Christie, Your great career may be ending right here. Just proclaim that you don't support Trump, Announce you'll work to thwart Trump. Just leave before you say /"Sieg heil!"/ And then you'll smile. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean, Va.) 2nd place and the DVD of politicians' bloopers: /*(to "My Way," sung by Hillary Clinton; click on the link to see Nan Reiner singing her own parody)/ And now, this is the year; It's time to choose a prez who's female. Just who has got us here? Each one a vain and look-at-me male. Some great, and some third-rate, And now we've done a nonwhite-guy turn. Be good, dear Sisterhood, 'Cause now it's my turn. Big deal, some mail exchange I set apart from full inquiry. To girls, that's nothing strange; We've always kept a private diary. Some crooks, and we've had schnooks, And every one was an XY-turn. I'm fem, no worse than them, So why not my turn? It's high time for me, in my own right, To occupy that House of White. My Billy goat, he had his chance With open heart and open pants. Should have been hung, but I held my tongue So now it's MY turn! (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /(To the Major-General's Song by Gilbert and Sullivan) / I am the very model of a presidential candidate Whose every word has made The Don the most revolting man, to date. I ended Lyin' Ted, he's just a microscopic speck to me; On Clinton, I'm performing a political mastectomy. Since Barry said that gays can wed, a champion to them is he; I'll overturn the court, we'll see who really has supremacy! When dirty thugs fight whites, they lead this country to the coroner; I'll end this racial dissonance by banning every foreigner. We'll build a wall that's greater than that Lego fort of China's is; Our country will be pure at last — there won't be any minuses! My Donald-centered plans have left the voters in excited states, So soon I'll be the president and run these Disunited States. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Voted down: honorable mentions /To "Alexander Hamilton"*; see the full version of the parody performed by Matt Monitto — in costume! — atbit.ly/invite-hamilton / How will an autocratic brute whose fanatical focus broke us Or she who cast a quick hocus-pocus on her email server, Marking every state they win with map pins, Be living in the room where power happens? .... Presidential candidates. Are these our presidential candidates? Can we rewind the race and start again? Much too late, much too late"¦ (Matt Monitto) *Oh Donny boy,* the GOP is falling In line with you; objections they let slide; Summer's upon us, time to end the stalling: It's you, it's you, it seems, and they can't hide. But demographics, are they stacked against you? The voters aren't all men or white as snow, Will enough others show up in November? Oh Donny boy, oh Donny boy, I sure hope so. (Maria LeBerre, Herndon, Va., a First Offender) /To*"My Favorite Things": / Heaping abuse on the Mexican nation, Blaming tough questions upon menstruation, Making up myths and then giving them wings, These are a few of my favorite things. Vile verbal volleys, with venom unstintin', Vacuous venting at Hillary Clinton, Forging my fortune with arrows and slings, These are a few of my favorite things. As I look out from atop the Trump Tower, On the horizon is my finest hour. Immigrants, Muslims and Democrats too, People, get ready, I'm coming for you! Isn't ranting quite enchanting? All in war is fair. And Hillary, this is the place that you'll kiss, When it's in Obama's chair. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) /*To "Everything's Coming Up Roses" / Boasts he's "GREAT!!" Claims he's "YUGE!!" While the rest of us think he's a stooge. But of course, they'll endorse, Though the GOP's holding their noses. He's a fake, He's a sham. He sold steak, now he's feeding us ham. Tax return? A concern. There's a reason that he won't disclose his. I'll think you jest if you say he's okay. He might do best With voters who fail an IQ test. "Kick them out!" "Build a wall!" Hear him shout and encourage a brawl. Let's not kid, he will do What he did with his "U." Don't let him play our nation for a chump. No, he won't get the votes of the Muslims, and Mexicans, Women, and Asians, and Native Americans, Disabled, Democrats (and some Republicans): Every one's thumbing their noses at candidate Trump! — E. Warren, Washington, D.C. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) /The Lament of the "Republican Establishment" (to*"Be Our Guest" )* / We're depressed! We're depressed! It's just too much to digest! 'Cause the voters chose a nut-job And they won't be second-guessed! Trump's a joke! He's a sleaze! But he beat our guys with ease, Now our eyes are getting misty — Don't believe me? Ask Chris Christie! There's a blight on the right And we've given up the fight, 'Cause we know we're gonna back him when we're pressed,. Still in our hearts we're cryin' -- Where the hell was Ryan? We're depressed! We're depressed! We're depressed! (Mark Raffman, Reston ,Va.) /Seventeen Candidates (to "Sixteen Going on Seventeen" )* / There were sixteen, sometimes seventeen (If you count Gilmore too) Candidates for the GOP, more than Party folks could sort through. There were sixteen, maybe seventeen, E.g., Mike Huckabee, Rubio, Walker, Christie and Paul, per- Plexing the RNC. Totally unprepared were they For this chaotic mob, Feckless and spine-impaired were they, Winnowing? Not their job. There was no one smarter or wiser Clearing room on the stump-- They had sixteen, sometimes seventeen, Now all they've got is Trump. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) */To "Under the Sea" / *The outlook is always greener In somebody else's speech; You dream about sweeping progress, But that is too far to reach. Just look at the world around you Right here in the centrist range— Such moderate things surround you, What more can we hope to change? Under H. C., under H. C., It will be lamer, more-of-the-samer, take it from me! Up in the clouds they spend all day, Feelin' the Bern, they yearn away, While we promotin' just-stay-a-floatin' Under H. C.! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) */To "Misty" :/ Look at me, I'm as hapless as a governor could be, And I act like a servant, cap in hand, Who can't take a stand. I'm Chris Christie, and Trump's in command. Walk my way, and you'll know the reason why I made this play. In New Hampshire the voters made it clear It wasn't the year For Chris Christie, so why persevere? I could see Trump was crushing the field, And my future was horribly grim. Did you notice the primaries I lost? That's why I'm following him. On my own, I was close to being formerly well known. Now I'm looking to be a step below The top of the heap. I'm Chris Christie and want to be veep. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) /*To"Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee" from "Grease" / Look at me, I'm Hillary! Presidential as can be! Won't get in bed with corrupt foriegn bread -- I can't! (Not publicly...) Watch it! Hey, don't try to play, I don't sell myself for pay! Don't try to toss any cash at the boss (I'll send you Billy's way...) (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) /*To "The Lady Is a Tramp" / My education was done in 12th grade, I don't know much about business or trade, I love to hear about deals that he made "" That's why I'm voting for a Trump! He'll kick out Muslims, and people we hate The wall with Mexico won't have a gate. The Donald will make America great "" That's why I'm voting for a Trump! I love his long, blond, combed-over hair, Candor so rare — PC? Not he! He'll get us out of our national slump "" That's why I'm voting for a Trump. (Jane Pacelli, Annandale, Va.) /Bernie's Blues (to "She's Not There" by the Zombies)/ No superdelegates doubt her, despite her lies, And though with voters I rout her, she's near the prize! And it's too late to save this party, The bigwigs know, But they don't care. And how the hell am I behind her? It's not fair!! Well, let me tell you they're all dirty crooks, The way they've acted, their love of billionaires! Her guys have bent the rules! Her minions rigged the fight! And it's not fair!! (Mark and Claudia Raffman) /To "Springtime for Hitler" from "The Producers" / Should I choose Hitler or Hillary? I hope that both of them lose. I've always voted GOP. This year that means catastrophe. Should I choose Hitler or Hillary? This choice will drive me insane! Should I choose Hitler or Hillary? I'll have to stay home and abstain. (Barbara Sarshik) *Still running — deadline Monday: our contest to play with comic strips. See bit.ly/invite1180 . *THE SPELLING BEE WORDS FOR WEEK 1181* *alpargata* (AL-par-GA-ta): a canvas slip-on shoe, often with a rope sole *aplustre (a-PLUS-tree): the curved ornamental stern of a Greek or Roman ship *biniou* (been-yu): a type of French bagpipe *campagnol* (CAM-pa-NYOL): the European field vole *chremslach* ([throat-clearing sound]rems-la[throat-clear]: pancakes made of matzah, often filled with prunes, served during Passover *dipnoous* (DIP-no-us): having both lungs and gills *dulia* "‹ (du-LIE-a): in Roman Catholic theology, the reverence accorded to saints and angels *écorché (AY-cor-SHAY); an anatomical illustration or manikin showing the muscles and bones that are visible with the skin removed *edacious (ee-DAY-shuss) voracious, having a big appetite *ekka* (ekka): a one-horse carriage used in northern India *epistaxis* (epi-STAX-is): a nosebleed *ergataner* (erga-tayner or erga-tahner: a wingless male ant *geländesprung* (guh-LEND-e-sproong or -shproong): a jump in skiing made from a crouching position, usually over an obstacle *Haab* (hob): the 365-day year in the Maya calendar *iiwi* (ee-EE-vee): the scarlet honeycreeper, a small Hawaiian bird (also spelled i'iwi) *klendusity* "‹ (klen-DU-sity)"‹: the ability of a plant to ward off disease *mischsprache* (mish-SHPRAH-[throat-clear]uh): a language arising from the fusion of two or more languages *myiasis* (my-EYE-a-sis): maggot infestation *ochlocracy* (ock-LOCK-racy): mob rulele *pilcrow* (PIL-cro): a paragraph symbol *piqueur* "‹ (pi-KUR)"‹: an attendant supervising the hounds in a hunt *promyshlennik* (PRAH-ma-SHLEN-ick): a Russian trapper and fur trader of Siberia and Alaska *ptyalism* (TY-alism): excessive salivation *quadriga* (quad-REE-ga): a Roman chariot pulled by four horses abreast *rerebrace* "‹ (REH-re-brace)"‹: armor for the upper arms *solenoglyphous* (sole-NOG-li-fus): having tubular fangs that fold up inside the mouth *solmizate* (SOLE-mizate): to sing music using the names of the notes, such as do-re-mi *somma* (rhymes with comma): the rim of a volcanic crater or caldera *sophrosyne* (suh-FROSS-uh-nee): prudence, self-control *strepitous* (STREP-i-tus): boisterous, noisy *taoiseach* (TEE-shock): the Irish prime minister *tilleul* (tee-ULL): a pale greenish yellow (from the French word for linden or lime tree) *tourelle* (tour-ELLE): a small tower or turret *tyee* (TYE-ee): a large king or chinook salmon *vaccary* (VACKary): a place to keep cows, or a dairy *vulnerary* (VUL-nerary): promoting the healing of wounds; curative /Sources: Merriam-Webster.com plus various dictionaries cited on Dictionary.com . / ====================================================================== WEEK 1182, published July 3, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1182: Where in the wor(l)d? Explore What3words There's a 3-word phrase for every little spot on Earth — discover the best ones. Plus winning collective nouns. Bob Staake found "hidden.cave.dinner" in the Central Park Zoo on the map at what3words.com. What can you find among the 57 trillion codes, one for every 3-meter-square spot on Earth? (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment June 30(Click here to skip down to the winning collective nouns of Week 1178) */At the Central Park Zoo:/ hidden.cave.dinner* */Near the White House kitchen:/ hill.shares.fairly */At the Kohler toilet factory: / couch.sights.blowing AND stews.prevent.pumps* Your eggs won't go over easy with these creepy heads watching over them. This week's second prize, direct from England. (Jayne Osborn) */The Style Invitational's future European headquarters:/ pathetic.invite.loser, Cantabria, Spain */Or maybe it's here:/ empress.banished.forever, near Ribeira Grande, Azores* This week's contest isn't your typical Style Invitational challenge, but the Empress has to agree with Loser Doug Frank that the concept is just too cool to pass up. There's a new website (and app) called What3words, in which every single 3-by-3-meter square on the entire surface of the Earth has been assigned a unique name combining three common words from a list of 40,000. There are more than 57 TRILLION of these three-word codes. The idea is that, even in places with no street addresses — and that's the vast majority of the world — locations may be identified precisely, and easily shared with others, without those long strings of GPS coordinates. (The app has separate dictionaries in several languages.) So you go to what3words.com (or download the app) and click on Explore Map. You type in a street address or more general place (e.g., "Grosvenor Metro Station," "Mongolia") and get a map on which you can zoom way in or out. You move the map around under a teardrop-shaped pointer — and as you do, at the bottom of the screen will be the unique three-word code for each little point, like the ones above. Because each point is only 9 by 9 feet, even a single building will have lots of different codes. So: How to make this into an Invite contest? The Empress gives you two options: This week: (1) On What3words.com, find one or more humorously appropriate (or ironic) three-word codes at a particular place,* like the zoo or the White House above; and/or*(2) find a three-word code, tell us where it is, and tell us what /ought/ to be there, like the Invitational headquarters above. See this week's Style Conversational column (published late Thursday afternoon, June 30) for further guidance. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1182 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fantastic egg timer encircled by rings of weird humanoid heads, brought all the way from England and delivered into the Empress's eager hand by Loser Jayne Osborn. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 11; results published July 31 (online July 28). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *A RUN OF GOOD YUK: WINNING COLLECTIVE NOUNS OF WEEK 1178* In Week 1178 we finally reran our 1993 (Week 14) contest for new collective nouns. The Empress was inundated with several thousand entries, 99 percent of which were terrific except for being entirely boring and unfunny. Some good ideas were submitted by too many people for individual credit, such as a NUMBER of anesthesiologists, a GROSS of sea slugs/poopy toddlers, a MASS of physicists, an ABUNDANCE of twerkers, an ASSEMBLY of Ikea shoppers. Others had already run in theprevious set of results: a PRIDE of grandparents, a RASH of hookers, a PILE of hemorrhoids, a SLEW of killers, and a PROLIFERATION of abortion protesters. But then there were all these: 4th place: *A RISING TIDE of climate change deniers (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) 3rd place *A GROUNDSWELL of undertakers (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.) 2nd place and thecuddly plush dust mite: *TWO intellectual Trump supporters* (David Kleinbard, Maramoneck, N.Y.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *TWO SQUARE MEETERS of Mormon missionaries* (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) A GONY of defeat: honorable mentions *A SHUL of gefilte fish* (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento, Calif.) *A PAFFEL of Colonial documents* (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *A WHATEVER of teenagers (Chris Filiatreau, Arlington, a First Offender) *A SCARCITY of velociraptors* (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *A Y'ALLIANCE of Southerners* (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *A BULLPEN of speechwriters* (Jack McBroom) *A SELF-SERVING of egos (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *A LOT of salty wives (Bill Curtis, Fort Worth, Tex., a First Offender) *A GASP of drama queens* (Kimberly Baer, Woodbridge, Va.) *UN PETIT PEU DE pretentiousness* (Chris Doyle) *A CONVOCATION of license plate makers (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.; Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *A GUILD of ichthyologists* (Rob Huffman) *A CRU of raw-vegans* (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *A FW:FW:FW of email jokes* (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *A DULTERY of Ashley Madison members* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *A MEDLEY of busybodies* (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.; Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *AN ANARGASM of anagrams* (Jesse Frankovich) *A BUTT TUBA of palindromes* (David Kofalt, Gaithersburg, Md.) *A COATERIE of Burlington executives* (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *A PEERAGE of optometrists* (Larry Gordon, Potomac, Md.) *A PLEATHERA of dominatrixes* (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington; Ted Weitzman, Olney, Md.) *A QUARTER POUND of coin stampers* (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *A QUIVER of romance novelists* (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *A FLEX of mussels* (Beverley Sharp) *A STRAND of Metro riders* (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *AN EMBARRASSMENT of dads* (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *A HALF PECK of air kisses* (Dudley Thompson) *A ZYQK of Scrabble cheaters* (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) *A SURFEIT of Beach Boys singles* (Perry Beider) *AN EXCESSIVE SURFEIT of redundancies*(Dave Matuskey) *A CONGLAMORATION of supermodels (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; John O'Byrne, Dublin; Mae Scanlan, Washington) *A CLUTCH of misers* (Susanne Pierce Dyer, Suisun City, Calif., a First Offender) *A FARTERNITY of windbags* (Stephen Gaull, Arlington, Va.) *AFLEET of [glassbowls] (David Thorne, Washington) *A RECORD NUMBER of bookkeepers* (David Friedman, Santa Clara, Calif.) *A HANDFUL of Muppets* (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) *A HUSUFRADE of Virginia wolves* (Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) *A HEAP of used-car salesmen* (Douglas Raybeck, Amherst, Mass.) *A PRESCHOOL of roe* (Jesse Frankovich) *A REAM of drill sergeants* (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *A PANTYBUNCH of prima donnas (Kimberly Baer) *AN ASCENT of flatulence (Chris Doyle) *A ***LOAD of censors* (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *A UNIT of needleworkers* (Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring, Md.) *AN OLIO of crossword buffs* (John Hutchins) *LOT'S of grammatical errors* (Jill Renkey, Frederick, Md.) /And Last: / A STAAKE of refrigerator magnets (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) *Still running — deadline Tuesday, July 5: Our contest for short poems featuring spelling bee words. See bit.ly/invite1181 ====================================================================== WEEK 1183, published July 10, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1183: C'mon, be honest Plus 'BBC And Chill' and other winning ABC, BAC, etc., phrases If they were more honest, car manufacturers would market "self-braking" cars as "texting-enabling." (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment July 7 *If carmakers were more honest, they would be marketing automatic braking as "texting-enabling." (Chris Doyle) *If the prunes called Sunsweet Ones were sold more honestly, they would be called Twos.* (Jeff Contompasis) *If graduate schools were more honest, they'd be called Holding Patterns.* (Phil Frankenfeld) This week's contest sprang from some Loserly musings a while back on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook (yes, you too can join!on.fb.me/invdev — the Devotees will even anagram your name as a welcoming gift). Loser 4 Ever Jeff Contompasis had reported "a germ of a contest idea festering in my brain. If X were more Y it would be Z." Other Devotees, their brains perhaps similarly festering, weighed in with more ideas. We'll go with one of the suggested Y's: This week: Write something in roughly the form of "If X were more honest, (then) Y,"* as in the examples above. Melissa Balmain, a poet who teaches at the University of Rochester, will be adding this fine prize to her many other awards and accolades. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *NEW: No more emailing entries! Instead, submit them at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1183 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place The Illumibowl, a battery-operated, motion-activated device that lights up your toilet bowl in your choice of six colors, or a continuous rotation. (At least yellow is not among them.) If you aspire to compose some blue humor for a future Invite, we gotcher inspiration-throne right here. Donated by That Very Same Jeff Contompasis. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 18; results published Aug. 7 (online Aug. 4). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results and the honorable-mentions subhead are both by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *ABC'ing You: Report from Week 1179* *In Week 1179 we asked for some fanciful ABC (or BAC, CBA, etc.) phrases. "Maniacal Noxious Orange: trending color in spray-on tans," by 155-time Loser Bird Waring, was certainly fanciful, but a tad alphabetically challenged. Loser. This week's prize, the Illumibowl, is perfect for a "Game of Thrones" fan. Here's one of the six colors the motion-activated light offers.(Illumibowl.com) 4th place: *Business Class Alternative:* Leg-shortening surgery so you can fly comfortably in coach. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md., who's about 6-6) 3rd place: *Carolina Bathroom Attendants:* "Our business is watching yours." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 2nd place and thefarting-grandpa bubble machine : *Aryan Battle Cry:* "They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime. They're rapists . . . " (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Cot And Bagel:* A low-budget bed and breakfast. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) A Cut Below: honorable mentions *Concealing By Acronym:* A way of hiding one's true message, as in "*MAKE AMERICA G*et R*eally E*xclusive A*nd T*errifying AGAIN.*" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Assured Commercial Bankruptcy:* What was stamped on the business loan application for Leakies brand diapers. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) *Anesthesia by Clinton:* Box set of the candidate's favorite policy speeches. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Before Advent of Cellphones:* Term denoting ancient times. "Your mom's hairstyle is, like, BAC." (Edward Gordon, Austin) *Aluminum Blocking Chapeau:* For those special occasions when your ordinary tinfoil hat just won't do. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Aging-Brain Cramp:* Also known as a senior moment. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Audacious Brass Cojones:* A "presidential" quality required to utter phrases like "I am not a crook," "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" or "The Hispanics love me!" (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Census Approximation Bureau:* The government's plan to save billions by hiring one guy to browse Google Maps on an iPhone. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Cummerbunds And Beanies:* Specialty fashion store that quickly fired its market research team. (Jeff Shirley) *BBC And Chill:* The Anglophile's alternative to Netflix. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *Bactrian Cataract Acupuncture:* An alternative medical procedure in which a needle is passed through the eye of a camel. (Chris Doyle) *Below-Average Children:* Lake Wobegon's dirty little secret. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *Certified Business Abomination:* The creep in accounting who wants to go over your travel claim with you in person. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Beltway's Congested Again:* Metro's new slogan, replacing "Sometimes We're Not on Fire" (Alex Jeffrey, Columbia, Md.) *"Arty! (Carnage! Boobs!)":* How "Game of Thrones" was pitched to HBO. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Boneless Chicken Association:* Raising rubbery, nugget-shaped birds since 1983. (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) *"A Bear!" (Crunch.):* The final line in Quentin Tarantino's new Goldilocks film. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) *Collective Boinking Agreement:* Needed when there are lots of friends with lots of benefits. (Duncan Stevens) *Angry Birds Champion:* What you should not list under "Awards" on your résumé. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Cows Blasting Aardvarks:* "Shouldn't we try to think of something other than another Angry Birds rip-off, boss?" "Whatever; just code something and get it out the door." (Will Cramer, Herndon, Va.) *"A Bollywood Christmas":* The Hallmark Channel tries "diversity." (John Hutchins) *Bunyan's Ax Conundrum:* Why is it that even though he's got the biggest tool, the best Babe he can get is an ox? (Mark Raffman) *Carbon-Based Assistance:* Highly unusual phenomenon occurring when your call to customer service is answered by an actual human. (Hildy Zampella) *Cut And Bun:* A discount cosmetic surgery clinic. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *"Affairs, Being, Confusion":* How fifth-grade wiseacre Ethan Splunk responded when asked by his geography teacher to name three states. (Kimberly Baer, Woodbridge, Va.) *Congressional Buyout Auction:* Where lobbyists do their bidding to ensure that Congress also does their bidding. (Jon Gearhart) *Anheuser-Busch Casket:* It's the king of biers! (Chris Doyle) /And Last: / Be Awarded Crap:* Motivational cheer for Style Invitational entrants. (Duncan Stevens) *Still running — deadline Monday night, July 11: Our What3Words map discovery contest. See bit.ly/invite1182. ====================================================================== WEEK 1184, published July 17, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1184: Plan C — nominate another presidential candidate Don't like the choices? Suggest another person — or thing. Plus: Tinkering with comic strips. Don't like the choices? Suggest another person — or thing. Plus: Tinkering with comic strips. Fourth place: by Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va. (From "Mark Trail," by James Allen, North America Syndicate, altered by Bob Staake for The Washington Post)) By Pat Myers Entertainment July 14(Click here to skip down to the winners of the contest to change or add a line to a comic strip panel ) *Elect Bert from "Sesame Street": It's time, after all these years, to have a man of letters in the White House.* /(Stephen Dudzik, Peter Metrinko, Week 782, October 2008)/ *Vote Benedict Arnold for president: Now here's a candidate who has really fought for change in American government! /(Rick Wood)/ *What voters want above all else is consistency, and no one else on the ballot can match tapioca pudding in that regard . . . /(Brendan Beary) / Honorable mention: by Kevin Dopart, Washington (From "Judge Parker," by Wilson and Manley, North America Syndicate, altered by Bob Staake for The Washington Post)) Eight years ago — a few weeks before 60 million U.S. citizens would vote for a certain hockey mom to become the president of the United States in case a bad thing happened to her would-be boss, a man in his mid-70s — The Style Invitational offered some other options. In Week 782, the Empress printed a 16-item list of potential candidates, including Bert, Benedict and Tapioca, and asked the Loser Community to explain why any of them should be president. This year, as both of the presumptive (evidently a word meaning "icky") nominees are among the least popular candidates in history, it's surely time again for the Invite to produce some alternative candidates, as Loser Jerry Birchmore suggested to the Empress. But this year we'll take nominations from the floor. This week: Explain why some novel person (or thing) should be president; you could also suggest a president-veep ticket. /Note to the humor-impaired: The Style Invitational is a humor contest. / *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1184 * Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a cool rubber doorstop that looks like a big red splat of goo. Donated by Roy and Inge Ashley. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday, July 25; results published Aug. 14 (online Aug. 11). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The "Retooning" headline is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . RETOONING: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1180 In Week 1180 we invited you to choose any comic strip or panel that appeared in The Post, in print or online, over a 12-day period, and either (a) add or replace a line of dialogue or (b) provide a question that a line in the comic could answer (it didn't have to be said to the character in the strip). The links below on the comics' names show you the original strips. For the unhinged door-opener: a splatty-looking doorstop, this week's second prize. 4th place: /Original line: / Deep in northwestern Cameroon, near the Ni­ger­ian border, lies a killer! /("Mark Trail")/ The Jungle Cafe doesn't offer a single gluten-free entree! (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) 3rd place: *A. I'd never forget it if you guys cleaned out the garage for me. /(From "Blondie" )/ Q. What's a really weird way to ask for a colonoscopy appointment? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place /and the fabulous noodly beanie : / *A. I hate trying to depose millennials. /(From "Dustin" ) / Q. What did President Obama mutter about Kim Jong Un? (Steve Honley, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *I'm the least racist person you'll ever meet. /("Doonesbury," actual Trump quote)/ /Added line: / "I'm so not racist, let me tell you, I won't even let those Mexicans who clean my buildings use Spic and Span." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Median strips: honorable mentions *A. With my bare hand? /("Zits," )/ Q. What did Paul Ryan say when advisers told him to have a friendly handshake with Donald Trump? (Duncan Stevens) *A. I play the whimsical dung beetle.* /("Baby Blues") / Q. Is there any odder-named musical instrument than the sackbut? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Behold the power of Chad! /"Big Nate")/ How might the Supreme Court have tweeted its /Bush v. Gore /ruling? (Steve Honley) *It's days like this I wish I was a dentist!* /("Hagar the Horrible" )/ What's the last thing you want to hear during your root canal surgery? (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *Well, I'd like to give him a shot, anyway.* /("Dustin" )/ "I know that crying infants on airplanes annoy you, but don't you think vodka is a little drastic?" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Is the hour up? I'm about to explode!* /("Baby Blues" )/ "I'm sorry, Secretary Clinton, but your opponent insisted there be no 'disgusting' bathroom breaks allowed during the debate." (Annette Green, Lexington, Va.) *I now control the one thing I most need to fulfill my destiny!* /("Prince Valiant" ) / How did Hillary Clinton say thank you to Bernie Sanders after he told his supporters to vote for her? (Lawrence McGuire) *Hey, I don't know if you've noticed — I can't fly.* /("The Amazing Spider-Man" )|/ But you can still buy plenty of guns, right? (Frank Mann, Washington) *We look forward to topping it next year.* /("Blondie") / Why did you order a large plain pizza for this year's Procrastinators' Club annual dinner? (Stuart Backer, Falls Church, Va.) *You're the most brilliant human alive. . What's the one phrase Donald Trump's parrot can say perfectly? (John Hutchins) *Let's try this classic from the '80s.* ("Sherman's Lagoon" ) /Added line: /"Okay, fine, I get it. I'll clean out the pantry tomorrow." (Mark Raffman) *Let's have Mexican tonight.* /("Mother Goose and Grimm" )/ "Mr. Trump, who are you going to bash in your next speech: immigrants, Muslims or women?" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) *A recent study found that one in four people would date a robot. ("Mike du Jour" ) At least I'd know what buttons to push. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) *I shall take her by the hand, and invite her to have a root beer with me.* (/"Peanuts"/ ) What did Kanye West probably not say to himself when he saw Kim Kardashian? (Duncan Stevens) *You should know that owning one of my own would be close to a religious experience for me.* /("Baby Blues" ) / What did David Koch say while shopping for his first congressman? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *I heard some talk about it a while ago. I'm glad they're finally doing it. /("Mary Worth" ) / What did no mother ever say about her teenage daughter and her boyfriend? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Yeah.* /("Overboard" )/ Speaker Ryan, are you excited about supporting the nominee? (Duncan Stevens) *Thank God I'm stoned. /("Doonesbury" ) / What four words never came out of the mouth of an Old Testament adulteress? (Lawrence McGuire) *A nice home, good health and relative financial security? /(/ "Zits") // Can you name the three elements of the American Pipe Dream? (Lawrence McGuire) *I think that story is going to blow up into something big.* /("Judge Parker" )/ What was Donald Trump's response when he heard that Hillary Clinton had French toast for breakfast? (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) *I couldn't have done either if I didn't wield the wondrous Wand of Watoomb.* /("The Amazing Spider-Man" )/ Mr. Cuccinelli, how did you manage to support an invasive medical procedure and alienate more than half the voters in Virginia? (Mark Raffman) *Oh, yes, he's always been very willing to do nothing for me.* /("Pickles" )/ "Did you really call Senator Sanders "helpful," Secretary Clinton?" (John O'Byrne, Dublin) ====================================================================== WEEK 1185, published July 24, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1185: The Rorschach of the Crowd — interpret these ink blots Plus the winning funny poems using spelling bee words like 'epistaxis' (nosebleed) Tell us what you see in these ink blots, and we'll decide (but won't tell) what that says about you. (Inkblots personally blotted by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment July 21(Click here to skip down to the winning funny poems that feature spelling bee words) Here's a contest that the Empress's predecessor, the Czar, did three times in the 1990s, way back in Weeks 30, 77 and 148 (the last one labeled "IV." Whatever). The contest is obvious: This week: Interpret one or more of these genuine symmetrical inkblots. You may look at them upside down or sideways, but you need to let us know. In return, we will diagnose (but not publicly disclose) your humor affliction. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1185 (all lowercase) . Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this utterly fabulous fuzzy spiked dinosaur/dragon hat with a train of soft spikes. Donated by Dave Prevar and modeled at a recent Loser brunch by Margaret Stevens, the adorable 6-year-old daughter of Ubiquitous Loser Duncan Stevens. Loserling Margaret Stevens, 6-year-old daughter of Loser Duncan Stevens, modeled this week's second prize at a recent Loser brunch. Then we snatched it back from her. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 1; results published Aug. 21 (online Aug. 18). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Nan Reiner; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . BEE-MUSED: SPELLING-WORD POEMS FROM WEEK 1181 In Week 1181 we gave you a list of words that were used in this year's National Spelling Bee and asked you to include one in a funny poem. Donald Trump is no doubt writing these down so he can use them in his speeches. 4th place: *Tourelle (tour-ELLE): a small tower or turret: * "The towers I build all excel," Boasted Trump, "and the one where I dwell Is the pinnacle — theirs Hardly even compares! They should call it the Eiffel Tourelle." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 3rd place: *Solenoglyphous (Sol-e-NOG-li-fus), having fangs that fold into the mouth: "Your solenoglyphous fangs are spectaculah! They are awesome (to use the vernaculah) 'Cause they fold up inside Till you open up wide — I asp-pire to be like you!" Signed: Dracula (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2nd place /and the books "How Animals Have Sex" and "Humpy the Moose": / // Solmizate, to sing musical notes with their letter names, as in do-re-mi (aka solfeggio): *The music teacher warbled, "This vocation can elate! I tested all my pupils on how well they solmizate. It warmed my heart to hear them; from each Do to So to Do, They made my spirit sing with their divine solfeggio. They passed with flying colors — all but little Donny T. No matter what the music said, he just sang 'Mi, Mi, Mi.' " (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Mischsprache (mish-SHPRA-cha[throad-clearing sound]), a language combining two or more languages:* In Paris, Rhett Butler knew well not to mock a Young lady who spoke in a form of mischsprache. "Mon English eez mal, sir; how stupide I am!" "Franglais, my dear? Ah just don't give a damn." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Mis-bee-gotten: honorable mentions *Ochlocracy (ock-LOCK-ra-see): *Ochlocracy's The rule by mob. Plutocracy's The rule by snob. Gerontocracy's The rule by grump. Kakistocracy? The rule by Trump. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Sophrosyne (suh-FROSS-uh-nee): prudence, self-control:* *I.* If a don makes an offer you might just refuse, Here's advice from a guy with a leg he can't use: A goombah's unlikely to practice sophrosyne Whacking a Louisville slugger across a knee. (Chris Doyle) *II.* /A Modern Mantra/ Wisdom, judgment, wit and sense; Sophrosyne, intelligence; Keep these close and you will live a life without regret. CHAOS! BEDLAM! HAVOC! MESS! TUMULT! TURMOIL! LAWLESSNESS! This is what will happen if you argue on the Internet. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *III.* How can we put a person forth to be the nation's boss, and he Be utterly devoid of any semblance of sophrosyne? (Nan Reiner) *Strepitous (STREP-itous): noisy, boisterous:* *I.* Here's why geezers aren't strepitous: They are, simply too decrepitous. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *II.* It was placid on my street in Boise, Till new neighbors moved in — wow, they're noisy! With this strepitous crew, There's not much I can do — Who would shush "the Sopranos, from Joisey"? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Alpargata (AL-par-GAH-ta), a canvas slip-on shoe with a rope sole: You wonder if I am a dork? I think you'll see there's not a Doubt I am — I'm wearing socks inside my alpargata. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Aplustre (a-PLUS-tree), the curved ornamental stern of a Greek or Roman ship: * /The Climax of "The Little Mermaid"/ The Sea Witch gets speared with a broken aplustre, Thus turning the maritime weather less blustery. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Piqueur (pee-CUR), the supervisor of hounds during a hunt:* From some disagreement on when they should let the hounds out for the fox, Two hot-tempered hunt club attendants pulled up and proceeded to box. The huntsman, embarrassed in front of the riders all up in their saddles, Apologetically glanced at the pair and just shrugged, "Piqueur battles." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Epistaxis (epi-STAX-is), a nosebleed: * He took her to a concert, and they got there right on time; But little did she know they'd have a monumental climb. As up up up they made their way, down down went her affection; He'd bought the cheapest seats up in the epistaxis-section. (Beverley Sharp) *Pilcrow (pill-crow), a paragraph symbol: *"Oh, honey," the editor's email lamented, "The car is [a pilcrow]" (read "slightly indented"). (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Myiasis (my-EYE-a-sis), maggot infestation: * Myiasis occurs when maggots make their home in you And tunnel through your flesh like you are human barbecue. It's thoroughly disgusting and I hope this poem's a winner 'Cause when I did the image search I nearly lost my dinner. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *Tyee (tye-ee), a large salmon:* Here's a curious case you might like to examine: One sale, two arrivals concurrent. Tom had run to the store: "I was first to that salmon!" Said Jimmy, a cyclist: "You weren't!" Very shortly, the magistrate pounded his gavel; His verdict was clearly a stunner: "When the gentlemen differ in manner of travel, The tyee must go to the runner." (Matt Monitto) *Campagnol (CAM-pa-NYOL), the European field vole* *I. . . . In there stepped a tiny rodent, rather smaller than a mole. Not a bit of cheddar ate he, not a bit of time would wait he, Before, acting nice and matey, he curled up upon the sole, Curled upon the ridgèd rubber of my tattered sneaker's sole. Curled, and sniffed: a little vole. Then this fuzzy beast a-lurking set my countenance to smirking By the big incisors working on the footwear that it stole — "Though my tears be all too bitter, thou," I said, "art one cute critter. What art thou, to choose to fritter time away in this sad hole? Tell me what the people call thee, in this European hole!" Quoth the rodent, "Campagnol." (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) *II.* I'd never seen a mushroom with a head or four legs and a tail; I was distraught! I asked to have the soup du jour instead, and checked the menu. Ah, what I had thought was /champignon/ was campagnol, a vole from Europe (not a tasty fungus "" no) that's roasted slowly and you eat it whole. ". . . No, wait! Forget the soup . . . I think I'll go." (Jayne Osborn, Wellingborough. England) *Chremslach ([throat-clearing sound]rems-la[throat-clear]): pancakes made of matzah, often filled with prunes, served during Passover* When it's Pesach, we toss out the bread, And we eat only matzoh instead, So some chremslach is needed To unstick what's impeded 'Cause the prunes bring relief in the head. (Mark Raffman) *Still running — deadline Monday night, July 25: our contest to nominate another presidential candidate. See bit.ly/invite1184 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1186, published July 31, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1186: We're happy to verse you Write a poem based on an anagram; plus the best 3-word place codes we've found on What3Words Wordsmith Francis Heaney is not the first to notice that "T.S. Eliot" anagrams to "toilets," but he's likely the first to turn that into a parody of "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock." (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment July 28 /*Toilets/ T.S. Eliot* / *Let us go then, to the john, Where the toilet seat waits to be sat upon Like a lover's lap perched upon ceramic; Let us go, through doors that do not always lock, Which means you ought to knock Lest opening one reveal a soul within Who'll shout, "Stay out! Did you not see my shin, Framed within the gap twixt floor and stall?" No, I did not see that at all . . . .* /(From "Holy Tango of Literature" by Francis Heaney)/ This week's contest was suggested by Loser Bruce Niedt, who showed the Empress a nifty book called /"Holy Tango of Literature" / — "holy tango" being an anagram of "anthology." Its author, the puzzle editor and "Professional Word-Type Person" Francis Heaney, rearranged the letters of various poets' names, then wrote parody poems based on those anagrams, like the "J. Alfred Prufrock" takeoff above. This week we'll broaden Heaney's idea: Write a humorous poem, of any form, about or "by" the anagram of anyone's name. Poems that relate somehow to the original subject will probably be more clever, no? We're not imposing a length limit, but longer poems have to be worth the space they take up. We don't mind short verses at all. If you search for one of the codes that are located at the Broadway theater where "Hamilton" is playing, the search bar says "near Weehawken, New Jersey," site of the Hamilton-Burr duel. (Screen shots /from what3words.com) *Submit entries at bit.ly/invite-enter-1186. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a little book called "Butt Rot and Bottom Gas: A Glossary of Tragically Misunderstood Words" (Butt rot: a disease affecting the base of a tree; bottom gas: a gas used by scuba divers). Donated by Melissa Yorks. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 8; results published Aug. 28 (online Aug. 25). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *WIT3WORDS: THE FUNNIEST MAP CODES FROM WEEK 1182* In Week 1182 we asked you to play with the app and website what3words , a map of the world that's divided into 57 trillion three-meter squares — and each of these little squares is assigned a code combining three words from a list of 40,000. Your mission was to find some word codes that were especially appropriate to their locations, or to say what, if life were funnier, /should / have that code. All the locations of the codes below are real unless otherwise indicated. 4th place: All future power plants should be sited in East Hampton, Va. — in *others.back.yard,* (Pete Kinsella, Glen Allen, Va.) 3rd place: *"flagpole.with.mortar,* Canada" = ANAGRAM CAPITAL OF THE WORLD (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2nd place a/nd the egg timer ringed with weird human heads :/ I find it strangely appropriate that typing president.trump.elected* whisks one away to Quebec. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *buffoon.fruitcake.upstairs is in . . . Wasilla, Alaska. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Low-cations: honorable mentions You can find stereotype..included.group* right on FedEx Field, Home of the R*dsk*ns (Jon Grantham, Bowie, Md.) We found the missing emails — they're in the Clintons' front yard in Chappaqua, N.Y.! At printouts.luminaries.specifics.* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Ironically, there are no houses near knock.knock.joke,* outside Savannah, Ga. (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.) Not surprisingly, there's awesome.duration.celebrated* in Intercourse, Pa. (Kimberly Baer, Woodbridge, Va.) . . . Which is also known as the birthplace of the fake orgasm, with *fictional.escalating.screeches.* (Jesse Frankovich) . . . Or more euphemistically, basics.weddings.reached.* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Sneezing.dragon.zone* is in the (hopefully) appropriately named Noatak nature preserve in Alaska. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) It seems the Bible went a little overboard in its promises: *meek.shall.inherit* (in Kirov, Russia) just this 3-by-3-meter plot! (Pete Kinsella) Where else but Brazil: tenderest.waxed.bikini.* (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Ugh, little.tiny.hands* should not be anywhere near Chelsea (Mich.). (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) They have collected.mankind.purchasers* at Mount Rushmore — the half of it that commemorates slave-owning presidents. (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) At Little Bighorn Battlefield, South Dakota, you will find *owners.essentially.speared.* (Julius Sanks, Ashburn, Va.) In the CIA's George Bush Center for Intelligence in Langley, Va. (noted in the search bar as "near Brookmont, Md."): smart.policy.soup,* not to mention cave.plot.calculating* (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) And at the NSA near Fort Meade, Md.: polices.voters.faithfully.* (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) In the middle of nowhere in the North Pacific Ocean: *completely.totally.lost. In the middle of nowhere in the North Atlantic Ocean: *completely.utterly.lost.* (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) With so many political minds already located up there, *head.bottom.intersection* should be moved from Western Australia to Capitol Hill. (Jon Gearhart) The IRS's overseas operations? give.that.tome* (Argentina) (Alex Jeffrey, Columbia, Md.) Maybe the next presidential vacation home will be in Lordsburg, N.M., at*trump.whites.house* — where the president could oversee the building of the border wall a few miles away. (Edward Gordon, Austin) Or maybe trumps.backup.plan* is to build a much shorter wall on the border of Mexico and Guatemala (Julia Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md.) *Easter egg found! If you type in calm.crew.quiet* or *songs.happy.indoor* or another code assigned to the Richard Rodgers Theatre — home of "Hamilton" on Broadway — the search bar will say that the location is "near Weehawken, New Jersey." Weehawken is where Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr had their once again famous duel. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) My childhood home in Stockholm, N.J., should be converted to a kilt shop: Right there in my old front yard is where *paradise.swelled.beneath.* (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) Ted Cruz and Rick Perry should move in together outside Van Horn, Tex., at the huge.loser.zone.* (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) At National Rifle Association headquarters in Fairfax: *impress.potential.buffoon.* (Tim Kloth, Springfield, Va.) Searchers had to go all the way to Tanzania to find the fabled *inoffensive.trump.tweets.* (Todd DeLap) Sarah Palin's home state seems to have a theme going: *really.scary.mothering* (near Healy, Alaska) *crazy.scary.mothering* (near Nome) *super.scary.mothering* (near Bethel) (Frank Mann, Washington) Speaking of Alaska: *trump.likes.winning* (in Nikiski) *trump.likes.losing* (Kotzebue) (Frank Mann) I've tracked money.laundering.schemes* to a remote area near Tshiturapadsi, Zimbabwe — good, because their prince owes me money! (Jon Gearhart) If "we don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee," why do they have *pipes.full.herb* there? (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) The map says it's in southern Tanzania, but infinity.sized.dress is actually found in Your Mama's closet. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) The Wicked Witch of the East's mausoleum has been discovered at *really.most.sincerely, near Krasnoyarsk, Russia (Chris Doyle) Levi's quality control department must be outsourcing to Portugal, at *unzips.zips.unzips. (Jeff Shirley) The Metropolitan Museum of Art seems to be trying to appeal to a different group of tourists with cage.rocks.gladiators (John O'Byrne, Dublin) There's a muffled.ventures.sinkhole* at FedEx Field near the 20-yard line, but that's no surprise to those whose hopes and dreams have disappeared there over the years. (Jon Gearhart) Inside Trump Tower in Manhattan you will find the ripe.orange.bunch.* (Todd DeLap) In London's Edgware district, where the majority voted to remain in the EU: many.vote.leave.* But near Rayne, in Essex, where every district voted to /leave:/ *many.voting.remain. (Frank Mann) /And Last: /The Empress should have judged this week in Guatemala, from a little desk at pointless.maps.contest.* (Elliott Schiff) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 1: our ink blot contest. See bit.ly/invite1185 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1187, published August 7, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1187: Just drop it, okay? A new neologism contest Plus the winning 'If xxxx were honest ...' entries of Week 1183 Tycoo: The quiet firer. This week's contest is to drop the last letter from a word and describe the result. (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment August 4(Click here to skip down to the winning "If xxx were honest" jokes.) *Tycoo: To fire an underling using a soft voice.* *Witles: Cuts down one's IQ.* *Air filte: A very light Jewish delicacy.* Delight your little one with this week's second prize: Nurse Ratched Bear strangling Mother Goose. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) Back inWeek 733, nine years ago, we ran a contest in which we asked you to create a new word by dropping the first letter from an existing one. Eighty-eight-time Loser Matt Monitto suggests we turn it around.*This week: Drop the last letter from an existing word, phrase or name and define the result,* as in Bob Staake's "tycoo" and Matt's examples above. You may add hyphens. Submit your entries through this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1187 . If for some reason you can't get it to work, you may email your entry to pat.myers@washpost.com; be sure to include your postal address, and to put "Week 1187" in the subject line of the email. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a little "collectible" knickknack of a bear in a dress throttling Mother Goose, all mounted on a spring that's mounted on a "book" open to that horrible nursery rhyme telling children how unlucky they were to be born or a Wednesday or Thursday. Brought across the Atlantic Ocean and delivered directly into the Empress's hand by Loser Jayne Osborn of Wellingborough, Northamptonshire, Formerly Europe. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 15; results published Sept. 4 (online Sept. 1). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "The har truth" was suggested by both Chris Doyle and Nan Reiner; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *THE HAR TRUTH: THE 'HONEST' RESULTS OF WEEk 1183* *In Week 1183 we asked for musings roughly in the form of "If xxxx were more honest, then . . ." Numerous Losers cracked: If Trump (or If Clinton) were more honest, he/she'd still be almost totally dishonest. 4th place: *If NBA players* were more honest, when a teammate missed the first of two foul shots, they would slap his face rather than his hand. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) 3rd place: *If seed catalogues* were more honest, they would tell you that all photos are of professional flowers/vegetables/fruit that are paid to pose. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) 2nd place and the Illumibowl rotating-color toilet light: *If Dunkin' Donuts* were more honest, it would change its slogan to "America Waddles on Dunkin.' " (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *If salespeople* were more honest, they wouldn't keep asking, "Can I be honest with you?" (Annette Green, Lexington, Va.) Outliars: honorable mentions *If credit cards were named more honestly, they would be called debt cards. (Scott Miller, Porter Ranch, Calif., a First Offender) *If Kellogg's were more honest, it would admit that Snap, Crackle and Pop sound pretty much sound the same. (Rob Huffman, vacationing in Reykjavik, Iceland) *If Kanye West were more honest, he would embrace his talent and overcome his shy modesty. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) *If laptops were more honest, they'd be called catbottoms. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) *If Canadians were being honest, they'd let us know that if Trump wins, THEY will build a wall. (Peter Hammond, Potomac, Md., a First Offender) *If Hillary Clinton* were more honest, it would prove she really is willing to try anything to get elected. (John Hutchins. Silver Spring, Md.) *If Hillary Clinton* were more honest, Vincent Foster, Chris Stevens and the crew of the Edmund Fitzgerald would be alive today. — Rep. Trey Gowdy (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *If police* were more honest, they would charge people with "asking for a badge number" rather than "resisting arrest." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *If cellphone companies were honest, they would just have a single button at the bottom of their license agreements, reading, "I accept, but I have no idea what I just accepted." (Duncan Stevens) *If 7-Eleven were more honest about its drink sizes, they would be called Half-, Full-, Strained- and Burst-Bladder. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *If lifetime warranties were more honest, they would be called "We're betting that you're too lazy to mail this item back to us." (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) *If my GPS were more honest, it'd replace "Recalculating" with "What the hell are you DOING?!?" (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *If Sam's Club were more honest, it'd remind us that we already have three unopened gallon buckets of mayonnaise in the pantry. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *If my kids were more honest, they'd admit that my sense of style is pretty groovy. (David Ballard) A more honest name for Fruit Roll-Ups would be Corn Syrup Fly Paper. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *If Your Mama were more honest, she wouldn't call you Junior. (John Hutchins) *If lotteries were more honest, they would be called "notalotteries." (Philip Justus, Potomac, Md.) *If air hand dryers in public bathrooms were labeled more honestly, they would be called pre-pants hand dryers. (Annette Green) *If airlines were more honest, they'd call reclining seats "midair melee instigators." (Frank Mann, Washington) *If my wife were more honest, that would be a bad thing. (Todd DeLap) *If lawyers were more honest, we'd lose some of our best jokes. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *If Hillshire Brands* were honest, it would specify that Jimmy Dean sausages contain little or no Jimmy Dean. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *If dating sites* were more honest about profile pictures, they would include the disclaimer "Actual size may vary." Or "Some settling of contents may have occurred." (Lee Graham, Arlington, Va.) *If tanning salons* were more honest, they would be called rotisserie human cafes. (Scott Miller) *If deodorant makers* were more honest, they'd sell Soft & Dri Clothing Paint. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *If dairy companies* were more honest, they'd put it on the label that their milk comes from the actual nipples of animals, like those gross women who breastfeed their babies in public, but even more disgusting! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *If pears* were named more honestly, they would be called ones. (Scott Miller) *If Hallmark were more honest, its slogan would be: "When you care enough to send a card but not a present." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *If Hillary Clinton* were more honest, she would admit that her email scandal started with an ad that read, "Is Your Email Secure? Click Here to Find Out." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *If I were more honest, I'd admit that I don't think it was worth the $20,000 I spent to see Lin-Manuel Miranda's final Broadway performance in "Hamilton." The casting was horrible — I'm no historian, but I thought that Thomas Jefferson was white. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *If infomercials* were more honest, they'd market exercise bikes as clothes racks right up front. (Jon Gearhart) *If NPR hosts* were more honest, they would giggle whenever they read a promo for the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. (Duncan Stevens) *If Playboy were more honest, they'd go by their full name: "Play With Yourself, Boy." (Pete Morelewicz, Washington) *If Nike were more honest, it would admit that the unjust do it, too. (Kevin Dopart) *If What3Words were more honest, my house would be labeled "painful.lego.minefield." (Todd DeLap) *If De Beers* were more honest, its slogan would be "a diamond is always pawnable." (Kevin Dopart) *If The Washington Post were more honest, it would be called The Washington Please Post This on Facebook. (Carol Teitelbaum, Olney, Md., a First Offender) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 8: our contest for poems based on anagrams. See bit.ly/invite1186. ====================================================================== WEEK 1188, published August 14, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1188: Just short words Explain a concept with only 1-syllable words; plus the winning nominations for alternative presidential candidates Announcing the latest Style Invitational Grossery Bag for runners-up; the slogan, by Tom Witte, got ink in the 2012 contest that also provided the ideas for our first two Grossery Bags. Third- and fourth- (and first-) place Losers can choose between this bag and one of the Loser mugs until the mugs run out; we'll get more of them in 2017. (Design by Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment August 11(Click here to skip down to the winning nominations for alternative presidential candidates) *God told us, "Thou shalt not kill."* *We say sure, but it's fine to kill folks who don't like our God.* *God says, "No, thou shalt not kill."* *We say sure, but it's cool so long as it's just those guys who dress in rags and have beards.* *God says, "No, write this down. Thou shalt not kill."* *We say, "Sure. Now who is this "thou" guy you mean? — Robert Carlisle, Week 495 These days, at least among tens of millions of U.S. citizens, the best way to impress people is to speak to them on a first-grade level, no matter how complicated the subject. Loser Matt Monitto recently reminded the Empress of a contest that her predecessor, the Czar, ran in 2003, and that the Empress had never tried: This week: Explain some concept or philosophy entirely in words of one syllable, as in the Week 495 runner-up above. (See the rest of the 2003 results in this week's Style Conversational column at bit.ly/conv1188. (published late Thursday afternoon, Aug. 11). Maximum 100 words, but much shorter is also fine. For this week's second-place finisher, two essential looks for maximum Loserosity. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1188 . Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a two-pack of Groucho-type nose/glasses, each with a special enhancement: One has a wart-shaped knob on the nose; when you twist it, the attached eyebrows and mustache wiggle. The other is called Snot Nose Glasses and has a plastic blob hanging off it. Donated by Losers Nan Reiner and (long, long ago) Peter Metrinko, respectively. * *Other runners-up* win their choice of the brand-new Grossery Bag we show this week; a yearned-for Loser Mug; the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug; or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 22; results published, oh boy, Sept. 11 (online Sept. 8). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . . *WRY-IN CANDIDATES: THE WINNING PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATIONS FROM WEEK 1184 ** In Week 1184,* noting the disappointment so many Americans say they feel about the two major-party presidential candidates, to suggest someone — or something — as a better alternative (we also allowed ideas for prez-veep tickets). Many of you power brokers nominated candidates on a common theme, including Ernest and Julio Gallo: Make America Grape Again;* Tony the Tiger: Make America Grrrreat Again;* a wheel of parmesan cheese: Make America Grate Again; Viagra:*Make America Mate Again;* Vladi­mir and Estragon: Make America Wait Again;* and Beyoncé: *Make America Gyrate Again. 4th place Vote for Torquemada:* Law and order /and/ religious values — a twofer! (Steve Honley, Washington) 3rd place *A wad of cash:* It's been in charge for a while already. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 2nd place and the doorstop that looks like a red splat of goo: *Mother Teresa,* who presumably is in Heaven, would surely win — since so many voters say they'd prefer Nun of the Above. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: Vote for the Cyclops/Stuart the Minion ticket to solve our nation's crisis: Eye Alone Can Fix It. (Annette Green, Lexington, Va.) The system is rigged!: honorable mentions Yes, I know that this potential candidate has fallen out of favor with women voters, and there are worries that a run would ruin the party. But America needs a leader strong enough to be in control at the top and can lend support to the masses at the bottom. Call me old-fashioned, but I'm going with President Pantyhose!* (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Wayne LaPierre* would make a good president — but why would he want to give up so much power? (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) My fellow Americans, now is the time to elect the Charles, Romano and Bolger families. Because we really need to be improving Ray's relations. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) America should elect Sisyphus:* He's been in training for this kind of job all his afterlife. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) Vote for Penn and Teller!* Wait — which one doesn't talk? Okay, make that Teller and Penn. (Hildy Zampella) Nominate Bob Staake to draw*two cartoon characters to run against each other. Oh, wait. (Frank Mann, Washington) *Siri/Watson* 2016: All the benefits of unreliability and untrustworthiness without that awkward human element. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *Melania Trump:* She isn't afraid to stand up and say what Michelle Obama thinks. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) */Sitophilus granarius/ would be preferable to /Anthonomus grandis/ for president, being the lesser of the two weevils. (Gary Crockett) If we're going for a lady who can't reliably use her email, we ought to elect my grandma.* Lots of people like /her./ (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Chris Christie is someone I think everybody could get behind. Literally. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Both of the nominees should reconsider their running mates and choose *Bill Clinton for veep — after all, he's renowned as a president of vice. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) Vote Vincent Orange/Fiona Apple:* They're incomparable. (David Lang, Olney, Md., who got his only previous ink 13 years ago) My vote goes to the*Alan Dershowitz/Gloria Allred celebrity-lawyer ticket: They're both passionate about defending stars in stripes. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Homer Simpson/ Ned Flanders,* because nothing says "America" like a narcissistic, ignorant blowhard teamed with a religious zealot. Um . . . (Ed Sobansky, Bowie, Md.) *John Wall — and let Mexico pay his salary. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Elect the bigmouth know-it-all from the break room at work: First, they already know what is wrong with everything and how to fix it. Second, it would get them out of the break room at work. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) *Speedy the Alka-Seltzer kid:* Americans need look no further than this tiny titan of the business world, the perfect (over-the) counter-candidate. Loved by millions for his odd combination of fizzy optimism and deflationary policies. And globally respected for his relief work. (Dave McCord, Bel Air, Md., a First Offender) America needs a guy who understands the need for security — elect Linus van Pelt!* (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) If you put 18 Republicans and some bacon grease in a blender, run it on high and then let it stand for a few minutes, the bacon grease will float to the top and coagulate. So, apparently bacon grease would make a good president. (Warren Tanabe) *Shaquille O'Neal would make a good president — have you seen the size of his hands? (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Let us elect the D.C. Madam and her staff.* As president, vice president and members of the Cabinet, they will merely be confirming the obvious: Offer politicians enough money, and they'll take any position you want. (Nan Reiner) *Bozo the Clown should be president because . . . oh wait, you said you wanted an/alternative/ candidate. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Finally, a candidate that will stand firm, with a long history of supporting senior citizens. Viagra* for president! (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) For president and VP: writers for "Law and Order,"* because they can solve any problem in 44 minutes. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) What about Dan Quayle?* I mean, he was at least harmless. Anybody got his number? (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) Vote for Chuck Norris* — or else. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 15: our contest to drop the last letter from a word and describe the result. See bit.ly/invite1187 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1189, published August 21, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1189: Gee, it's Limerixicon XIII! Plus the winning interpretations of five ink blots (boy, are our Losers, er, interesting) What do you see in these ink blots? Our hunch is that it's not what the Losers saw. See the results of Week 1185 below. (Ink blots blotted by Bob Staake /For The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment August 18(Click here to skip down to the winning ink blot interpretations from Week 1185) *"Sell The Post to a tech /geek?/ Tee-hee! *That's one thing we're unlikely to see."* *Then along came Jeff Bezos* *With 2 billion pesos,* *And now it's a fait accompli. /(Nan Reiner, Week 1033)/ Like clockwork — if your clock shows years — we present the latest Limerixicon, our annual check-in with OEDILF.com , the ever-continuing project by Chris J. Strolin and various henchpersons to compile a dictionary of limericks featuring every word in the English language. Currently the website has collected about 96,000 of the five-liners, with a projected completion date of Sept. 25, 2076. Last August Chris and pals were up to the ga- words. This week: Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any English word, name or term beginning with "ge-," as in the example above by Nan Reiner that we're repurposing from the fa-word contest three years ago. See bit.ly/limericks2016 * for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell: "perfect" rhyme, and a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm in Lines 1, 2 and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; plus "weak" syllables on either side). See OEDILF.com about submitting limericks there after this contest is over. *Submit entries at the website bit.ly/enter-invite-1189 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a 1911 copy — that's the date of the handwritten inscription — of "The Last Days of Pompeii" by Edward Bulwer-Lytton, famed for the line "It was a dark and stormy night" and for the annual bad-writing contest that bears his name. Sample prose from the 1834 novel: "Beautiful Ione!" said Arbaces, as he bent to touch her hand, "it is you that have eclipsed the day — it is your eyes that light up the halls — it is your breath which fills them with perfumes." From Loser Elden Carnahan, who also includes a catalogue from a Bulwer-Lytton exhibition in England. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or our new Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 29; results published Sept. 18 (online Sept. 15). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules in addition to the limerick guide at bit.ly/limericks2016 . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Dave Prevar. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . Look at this picture when you read the entries for upside-down images. (Ink blots blotted by Bob Staake /For The Washington Post) And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *INK-CONCEIVABLE: THE RESULTS OF THE WEEK 1185 BLOT CONTEST* In Week 1185 the Empress asked you to interpret any of five genuine symmetrical inkblots (you could turn them upside down or sideways; they're right side up at the top of this page, and upside down in the smaller picture at lower left). We did promise not to psychoanalyze you, but man — some of you out there are likely to keep the shrink business thriving. 4th place: *Blot 5 (upside down):* Popeye's grandmother still enjoyed flying the trapeze, although spectators wished she would wear a sports bra. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: *Blot 5:* Kilroy looks a little worse for wear these days. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) 2nd place and the stegosaurus/dragon hat: *Blot 3:* "I am the Walrus, and I'm ready to PARTY!" (David Franks, Greenland, Ark.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Blot 2 (upside down): The OB/GYN knew he shouldn't be playing at work, but he was pretty excited to find a Pokemon sitting atop his patient's uterus. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) Blotsam: honorable mentions *BLOT 1 *Pressing leaves and flowers between the pages of a book can produce lovely keepsakes. Not so much with moths. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) /For the rest of the Blot 1 entries, look at the upside-down image: / A Stetson-wearing "good guy" double-fists two of the latest multi-clip auto-load fast-discharge combination grenade-launcher/bazooka/assault rifles with switchblade bayonets. Oh, sorry. SELF-DEFENSE rifles! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) The new sheriff misunderstood the term "pushing up daisies." (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Blot 1 upside down seems awfully . . . interested in Blot 5 upside down. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) A short-armed cowboy with an archaeopteryx in each hand: Tyrannosaurus Tex. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Proof that even men with big hands can have problems down there. (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento, Calif.) In an effort to attract a more diverse fan base, the new Dallas Cowboys logo features a buckaroo in chaps toting two feather boas. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) A Pilgrim shows off the two turkeys he bagged for Thanksgiving dinner. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A map of Virginia's 8th congressional district . (Martin Smith, McLean, Va., a First Offender) *BLOT 2* (Upside down) Mia Hamm's ultrasound. (David Patch, Toledo, Ohio) D.C. was much more crime-ridden back when the first panda came to town. (Mike Gips) To add "fun" to the game, Major League Baseball is requiring catchers to wear mitts on both hands. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) After retiring its dancing elephants, Ringling Bros. tried featuring stone crabs that juggle. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) Campaign ads have become so noxious that Nielsen offers gas masks as part of its TV survey gear. (David Patch) (Upside down) Aerial view of Nationals Park during the seventh inning; note the exodus of fans and crowding at subway stations. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Proverb for the Apocalypse: From little acorns grow mighty oak-crab monsters. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *BLOT 3* The entrance to the "Tunnel of Love" at Trump Immigrant World amusement park. (Mark Raffman) The Cheshire Cat found it easy, if not pleasant, to disappear into freshly paved asphalt. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) Two snails racing down Main Street USA to see the Disney fireworks. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) The new North Korean fighter jet is so slow, geese can keep up with it. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Trump's attempt to clone himself for vice president went awry. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) At the stoplight, Ginger /finally/ caught the car. (Tom Logan, Sterling, Va., a First Offender) Chucky gives two thumbs up after being hired by Putin to terrorize Clinton's campaign. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) They've finally identified the actual Devil that's in the details! (Beverley Sharp) Blot 3 upside down plus Blot 5 right side up: The finalists in the GOP Angry Elephant logo contest. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *BLOT 4 * The only known collaboration between Georgia O'Keeffe and Jackson Pollock. (Drew Bennett) Exacting vengeance on the pin that spoiled the perfect 300 game, thanks to the open-carry law. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) On the road after leaving her husband for the last time, Lorena Bobbitt saw a spider on the car seat next to her. (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) In Hasbro's "Chess for Millennials," the bishops shoot lightning bolts. (Mark Raffman) The pressure of the campaign finally gets to Melania. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio, Tex.) After gender reassignment surgery, Pig-Pen was pretty much the same person. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *BLOT 5* (Upside down) Overhead view of Popeye bowing to the porcelain god after some bad spinach. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Why lobsters shouldn't skip Leg Day at the gym. (Hildy Zampella) Discovered: the root cause of The Donald's anger: yuge hemorrhoids. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Rare X-ray of a sweet tooth reveals a tiny, heart-shaped sugar lump at the core. (Kimberly Baer, Woodbridge, Va.) *ALL FIVE: Running over all these Style Invitational prizes had zero effect on their market value. (Jeff Martin, Rockville, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday, Aug. 22: Our contest to describe a concept in one-syllable words. See bit.ly/invite1188 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1190, published August 28, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1190: You're workin' on a chain, gang Connect a string of up to 15 names; plus the incredible winning anagram-based poems Climb from name to name — and back to the beginning — in the Week 1190 name-chain contest. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment August 25(Click here to skip down to the winning poems based on the anagram of a name) *MICHAEL PHELPS, Mark Spitz, Anchor Hocking, "Anchors Aweigh," Frank Sinatra, Sean Bean, Ned Stark, "Naked Cowboy," Gene Autry, Kate Smith, Katie Ledecky, MICHAEL PHELPS.* *DONALD TRUMP, Donald Duck, Ryan Gosling, "Catcher in the Rye," Holden Caulfield, Henry Huggins, Henry Higgins, Eliza Doolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Francis the Talking Mule, the Democrats, HILLARY CLINTON. The Empress was saddened to hear of the death last month of Mary Ann Madden, creator of the New York Magazine Competition, the 973-contest institution that ran from 1969 to 2000 and inspiredthe Czar — the E's predecessor and a luckless NYMag entrant — to engage in the sincerest form of flattery and start up this thing right here in 1993. Like the Invite, NYMag presented a variety of wordplay contests, with many recurring ones. As Longtime Loser and occasional Maddenite Sandra Hull reminded us, one favorite was "The Game of Dan Greenburg," named for the humorist who suggested it; we've done this contest ourselves several times, this week we'll do it a bit differently. *This week: Create a chain of no more than 15 proper nouns — names of people (real or fictional), products, places, etc. — including one title of a work — in which each name relates somehow to the previous one, as in Sandra's examples above. New this time: You may bookend the list either with the same name, as in the first example, or with contrasting ones, as in the second. The trick to this contest (and to much of the Invite in general) is to make a joke subtle enough so that people get a kick out of figuring it out, but not so subtle that people /can't / figure it out. Did Sandra's Frank/Bean or Stark/"Naked" or Holden/Huggins trip you up? Well, have mercy on someone who's about to read 1,000 of these chains: For subtle chain links, please give brief explanations /somewhere below your entry/ * so that the Empress can hide the answer when she reads the entry, but can check if she's confused. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1190 Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a DVD of the 2010 movie "The Losers,"* which is a thriller about Special Forces operatives who seek revenge on the CIA, not a documentary about a group of overeducated newspaper readers with misplaced priorities. Donated by CIA-avenging Special Forces operative Andrew Hoenig of Rockville, Md. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or our new Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Tuesday night, Sept. 6 (Heaven forbid you should labor on Labor Day); results published Sept. 25 (online Sept. 22). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . Both "Shelley You Jest" and the honorable-mentions subhead are by many-time New York Magazine winner Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.** *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoons, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at bit.ly/conv1190 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *SHELLEY YOU JEST: THE ANAGRAM-INSPIRED POEMS OF WEEK 1186* **In Week 1186 we asked you to rearrange the letters of someone's name, then write a poem about the resulting anagram. Many Losers chose a poet's name and wrote a parody of a poem by that writer. So, so many witty verses this week — and so, so many of them about the Great Orange Menace. 4th place: *DONALD TRUMP* anagrams to* DAD = MR. NUT POL* When Donald Trump's your dear old dad And you're his favorite daughter, You're stuck; you've got to stump for him, Although you shouldn't oughter. You've been around, you know that he's Too brazen for the bomb — So what's to do but prove true blue And vote for Chelsea's mom? (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 3rd place: *HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON to/ / MONTHLY, AN OLD RICH LIAR * Not a month can pass us by, Not without some Clinton lie. Be it of Benghazi fight Or the latest e-mail blight. But she'll soon be president Since Republican dissent Foisted on us Donald Trump: Tweedledemon, Tweedledump. (Ray Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) 2nd place and the book "Butt Rot and Bottom Gas": *ROBERT FROST to *'TERROR'? OFT BS* I have been one acquainted with the Right, And how they whip up stories with their spin To scare you silly, keep you up at night With fear we're letting nasty people in: The sort whose creeds are not what "we" believe And just look at those swarthy shades of skin "" "You'd have those people here? Don't be naive! We can't trust those who love a different god, They've got some dark intentions up their sleeve: They're likely sleeper cells to plot jihad!" The other pundits nod and say, "That's right; Why do they hate us? Don't you find that odd? They can't help they're not Protestant and white . . ." I have been one acquainted with the Right. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *EDGAR A. POE* to *EGO PARADE* Once upon a dark convention, full of fear and apprehension, After many strange and hateful speakers from the GOP— Came the climax, pessimistic, altogether chauvinistic, With an empty, egotistic pledge to fix things by decree: "Only one knows how to do it, and of course that one is ME!" Quoth the ravin' Donald T. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) The Drab of Avon: honorable mentions *ROGER AILES* to *I OGLE REARS I. I ogle rears. If I see one On some hot babe, I pinch a bun, And if it leads to sex, I thank her By making her a Fox News anchor. But if she turns away and sneers, It's time for her to switch careers. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *II.* I made quite a fair offer to Gretchen, Who, like all the gals here, is quite fetchin'. For just two or three lays She'd have bagged a nice raise And a gold-plated bucket to retch in. (Max Gutmann, Cupertino, Calif.) *ROBERT FROST to *TO FOREST? BRR. Whose woods these are I do not care. It's too damn cold to go in there. My little horse finds no delight In skating icy trails tonight. Some folks may like to freeze their nose And lose the feeling in their toes; That stuff's the highlight of their year. But not me, man. I'm out of here. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *NATAL PREMIUM* "by" *MELANIA TRUMP* When women marry well and, well, by "well" I just mean rich, You have to sign a prenup, just a tiny little hitch. As ex-wives will attest, you always get a larger share When you deliver on your vows, delivering an heir. You might stay wed forever; this may never matter — maybe. But if he earns big bacon, darling, you bring home the baby. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *RUDYARD KIPLING to *GULP DAIRY DRINK* If you can oversleep and still swill down Your breakfast drink before the school bus shows, If you can hear the joke from the class clown And keep the milk from spewing out your nose, If you can chug in contests every year And do your udder best before they're done, The prizes are to you who persevere And "" which is more "" you'll grow man-boobs, my son. (Mary Kappus, Washington) *WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS* to *I SCOWL, I WILL ALARM ISLAM* so much depends upon a red button untouched by little orange fingers. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *JOYCE KILMER to *LO, MICE JERKY* I think that I shall ne'er espouse A morsel yummy as a mouse That's cooked and sliced, and quickly dried — It's tasty when it's petrified. I'm sure it beats this liverwurst, So let's go have some. You go first. (Duncan Stevens) *SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE* to *YO, CUE A STILL LARGER DOME* In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree, But no one builds a better one than Trump, believe you me. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY to *VENTS A DYNAMIC LENTIL * My candle burns at both ends, so, ah, my friends and foes, You'll want to stand some ways away, and maybe hold your nose. (Frank Osen) *ANN COULTER* to *RECTAL NOUN* I think of all the rectal nouns, Like "sphincter," "feces," "anus," But none of them sounds foul enough, Not adequately heinous. Since all of them revolt me so, And such supreme revolters Deserve a name that makes me retch, Why don't we call them "coulters"? (Robert Schechter) *WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE*to *AW, I LIKE HER AMPLE ASS! Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and thou art more hot; As thou dost shake thy darling buns, I'd say, Beyoncé, baby, back is what thou got! (Jesse Frankovich) *MICHAEL R. PENCE* to *LEPER MECHANIC* As we approach the final scrimmage, My job's to tinker with his image Until it's nice and righty-tighty Instead of Archie-Bunker-whitey. (At home, I mutter, "What's the use? No matter what, his screws stay loose.") (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *ROBERT FROST* to TEST OF BRR, OR ... Some marriages combust and end in fire, While others ossify and end in ice, But both those paths are filled with thorns and briar, So heed this old New Englander's advice: You ought keep promises, don't be a liar, But more importantly than all of that, Swear that for love you'll shiver or perspire, And let your spouse control the thermostat. Be quiet, sweating, freezing, pay that price. Though you're uncomfortable, all won't be lost. Employ, on snowy evenings, what proved nice And worked for me—a little touch of Frost. (Frank Osen) *THOMAS STEARNS ELIOT* to *OH, LET'S TOSS IRATE MAN* /and/ *THAT IS SOME TAN LOSER!* Let us go then, you and I, When November 8th comes by, Like a band of lemmings upon a cliff; Let us go, through certain rather lengthy queues, While muttering, and choose The lesser of two evils in that booth Because we have to face a scary truth: Those who follow that outrageous orange gent Of insidious intent Could lead us to an overwhelming outcome... Oh, do not think, "It can't occur!" Let us go and vote for her. (Jesse Frankovich) *EMILY DICKINSON* to *MY CLONED SKIN II * Because I looked like warmed-up death — A doctor did I see— He promised me a brand-new face — Grown artificially. He tried it once — it did not take — And so he tried anew — Now youthful visage — mine at last! I love "My Cloned Skin II." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *WILLIAM BLAKE* to *AWAKE, ILL 'LIMB'* I was angry with my "friend": I popped a pill, hoped my wrath would end. I waited, she waited, my faithful doe: &%$§& pill — it still didn't grow. Had I drunk too many beers? Recalled deflating locker room jeers? Still we plied it with her wiles. Took a break, watched "X-Files" Until it GREW!! as was only fair and right Becoming a modest, yet sufficient sight. But when my doe beheld its size, I saw but laughter in her eyes. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 29: our annual Limerixicon limerick contest, this year featuring "ge-" words. See bit.ly/invite-1189. ====================================================================== WEEK 1191, published September 4, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1191: Mess with our heads Our recurring contest to reinterpret a headline with a funny 'bank head'; plus the top neologisms from Week 1187 Actually, the headline "Big families, squeezed out?" referred to a story about the dearth of affordable multi-bedroom apartments in Washington.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment September 1 (Click here to skip down to the winning neologisms from Week 1187.) /Real Washington Post headline: / Big families, squeezed out? /Fake bank head: / /Plus-size patrons sue Six Flags over small seats on roller coaster/ (Brendan Beary) /Real headline:/ Lucy, the world's most famous fossil, may have met her demise in a fall* /Bank head: / /Museum technician regrets texting while carrying skull / *(Dave Prevar) The Post, in recent years, has put a welcome emphasis on writing lively, engaging headlines, with less of the "headlinese" language (missing "the" or "to be" verbs; cliches like "raises ire"). But lively or no, there should be plenty to choose from in this week's contest: *Reinterpret (or comment wryly on) a headline appearing in The Post (print or online) and dated Sept. 1-12 by writing a bank head, or subtitle, as in the examples above from the Aug. 30 Post (a few days ago I invited the Loser Community, on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook, to contribute ideas for this week's sample head/bank combos). In the print paper, you may use an article's main headline, or a significant part of it (for example, everything before or after a colon); the story's bank head; or the jump head (the headline on the story's second page). Online, you may use not only headlines (or significant parts) above an article, but also headlines on the home page and elsewhere that serve as links to the article. And for both, you may use headlines in ads. See the Style Conversational column for further guidelines at bit.ly/conv1191 . (The Conversational will be published late in the afternoon of Thursday, Sept. 1.) Eternally Patient Royal Consort Mark Holt displays this week's second prize, a fleece cap topped with a whale fin. We will call it (not the RC) the Dorca. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *Submit your entries at this website* /(note, Mr. and Ms. I Have No Use for Computers: This is a website, not an email address):/ *bit.ly/enter-invite-1191 . Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives yet another in a series of prize hats that would surely add dignity to any Loser, while subtracting it from anyone else: This week it's a fleecy whale-motif hat, complete with big flippery tail at the top. We will call it the Dorca. Donated years ago by Universal Prize Donor Cheryl Davis. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or our new Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 12; results published Oct. 2 (online Sept. 29). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . Both "Snip Judgment" and the honorable-mentions subhead are by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *SNIP JUDGMENT: THE INKING NEOLOGISMS FROM WEEK 1187* In Week 1187 we asked you to drop the last letter from any word, name or phrase, then describe the resulting neologism. In the late-summer deluge of more than 2,000 entries, the Empress received 23 separate ideas for "Faceboo," suggesting everything from Unlike-buttons to zits, none of them quite inkworthy. 4th place: *World Wide We:* Oneness and harmony with all humankind. Mutually exclusive with Internet use. (Daniel Galef, Montclair, N.J., a First Offender) 3rd place: *Prince Charmin:* A seemingly debonair gentleman who turns out to be a complete 'wipe. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) 2nd place /and the figurine of a teddy bear grabbing Mother Goose around the neck:/ *GrateFU:* "Thanks for the foreign aid, but you're still the Great Satan." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Obamacar:* The glitchy second-rate vehicle your partner made you get because it was cheaper, and now constantly complains about. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Clip flops: honorable mentions *The Nuclear Butto:* Someone who'd ask: If we have all these atomic weapons, why couldn't we use them? (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Swimming poo:* Going off the Depend. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Billie Jean Kin:* Son of Michael Jackson — though he denied it (Kevin Tingley, Vienna, Va.) *Invertebrat:* One as spoiled as he is spineless. (Nathanael Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass.) *Capture the Fla.:* All-or-nothing game played by Bush and Gore in 2000. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *Canada goos:* Hazards in the grass near any large pond. (Larry Gray) *VuLGA:* Language used by New Yorkers whose flights have been canceled. (Pete Kinsella, Glen Allen, Va.) *Humble pi:* "3.1 is close enough." (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Equipmen:* Guys who get a fourth date (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Achilles hee:* The one little spot you're ticklish. (Danielle Nowlin) *Finge:* The shortest digit on the shop teacher's hand. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.) *PharMac:* A burger made with no natural ingredients. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Beltwa:* Cry of despair at 10 miles of brake lights. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) *Blunderbus:* Metro's alternative transportation solution during SafeTrack work. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Universit:* The traditional four-year waiting period before a student graduates to debt. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Militar:* An invisible substance that keeps America mired in a war. (Lawrence McGuire) *Chevrolé:* "Yay! That new manufacturing plant is going to bring a lot of jobs here!" (Danielle Nowlin) *Unequa:* Native American tribe vanquished by the U.S. Cavalry. (William Liss-Levinson, Great Neck, N.Y., a First Offender) *Heavy Meta: Aggressive style of music with lyrics that focus on describing an aggressive style of music (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) *Websit:* Why American rear ends have expanded since 1993. (Ellen Ryan) *Outloo:* The software Hillary used to dump her email. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Asphal:* The outcome of my extremely brief attempt at skateboarding. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *LaundroMa:* Not my preferred job description, son. (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) *Unloade:* Loaded, as in "Don't worry, this gun is unloade . . ." (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) *The Dead Poo:* The number two movie of the year! (Mark Prysant, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) *Parent-hoo:* Any kid knows that "If you make that face, it's going to freeze that way" is pure parent-hoo. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Gobbledegoo:* turkey-flavored Jell-O. (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) *Confederat:* Someone who uses "heritage" to excuse bigotry. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) *Labore:* The first-time mom who never stops recounting the agony and ecstasy of childbirth. (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) *Ketchu:* A sneeze with a bloody nose. (Mark Raffman) *Stupid as. . . :* Someone so clueless you can't even describe how clueless. (Burt Freiman, East Amherst, N.Y.) *"Your call is very important to u":* But not to us! (Jamie Martindale, newly relocated to Riga, Latvia) *All the world's a stag:* And the men merely playas. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) *A tooth for a toot:* Worst. Deal. Ever. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Grind to a HAL:* What your computer sometimes does — clearly with spite — when you're on deadline. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Running mat:* The lesser half of a presidential ticket. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Newscaste:* The mainstream media or, as I call them, the lowest form of life. "" D. Trump (Chris Doyle) *Washington POS:* Any op-ed piece that I disagree with (G.T. Bowman, Falls Church, Va.) *The beaten Pat:* A contest judge after reading hundreds of entries from folks who think instructions are for the less gifted. (Lawrence McGuire) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 5: our name-chain contest. See bit.ly/invite1190 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1192, published September 11, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1192: Ask Backwards Plus: Big ideas writ small — the 1-syllable-word contest winners The Olympic philosophy, summed up by cartoonist Bob Staake and, below, Melissa Balmain's runner-up poem consisting entirely of 1-syllable words. See the results below the new contest. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment September 8(Click here to skip down to the concepts explained in one-syllable words) 'New' for Week 1192: Ask Backwards *"—Waist-slimming compression wrap* *"—2,002 old emails "—Florida Man's résumé "—An elevator and an alligator, but not a waiter *"—149 yards rushing "—The Maltese Parakeet "—Ryan Lochte's urine sample "—Lobster roll trucks on every corner "—A $27 donation* "—Cockroach milk "—Swiss chard but not a Swiss bank account "—The National Postal Museum "—"The Punisher" "—Donald Trump's birth certificate "—Stinky boots on the ground Coming your way with such regularity it could get the Serutan endorsement, a contest the Invite has run dozens of times since Year 1 in 1993. This week: The 15 phrases above are the answers. You provide the questions* to as many as you'd like (up to 25 entries total, as usual). Please precede each question with the pertinent answer so that the Empress can search for it while she judges each category. See the Style Conversational at bit.ly/conv1192 for examples from past contests. Feeling rejected? Yes, you'll get this electronic button that will say yes to you incessantly if you lose to only one other entry this week. (But you'll probably be rejected. Sorry.) (zanytoys.com ) ** *Submit entries at the website bit.ly/enter-invite-1192 (just click here) . Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — just to give the lie to people who think we're always so negative here at the Invite — a big electronic button you push and it says "YES" in all sorts of voices . This is the counterpart to our previously awarded No Pen , and of course it's gotten a lot less use than the pen while it's been sitting on the Empress's desk during judging sessions. Donated, as was the pen, by the positively positive Loser Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or our new Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 19; results published Oct. 9 (online Oct. 6). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jon Gearhart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoons, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *IT'S A SMALL-WORD LAUGH FOR ALL: REPORT FROM WEEK 1188* In Week 1188 the Empress asked you to explain a concept only in one-syllable words, and no more than 100 of them. As Loser Jesse Frankovich put it in an entry: "Write on some theme with words that have just one sound chunk each. The count of the words must not be more than ten squared. . . . If one of yours is deemed the best of the bunch, you will get a cheap Abe thing with a big head." 4th place *THE OLYMPIC PHILOSOPHY *CREED OF THE FIVE RINGS Use your bod, from feet to hands, To vie with folks from strange new lands: Chase them, rush them, ace them, crush them, Flip them, cream them, trip them, ream them, Throw and shove them . . . oh, and love them. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 3rd place *LIBERTARIANISM* Me. Mine. Me. Mine. Me. Mine. Oh no, a flood! We. Ours. We. Ours. We. Ours. Help! The flood is gone! Me. Mine. Me. Mine . . . (Ed Sobansky, Bowie, Md.) 2nd place and the "snot nose" and windup Groucho glasses : *BASEBALL* "Look, Jacques, one guy throws the ball, one guy tries to hit the ball with a bat. If the ball is thrown to the guy wrong, it is called a ball." "But we knew it was a ball, /non?"/ "Yes. Now if he swings but does not hit the ball, it is a strike. Three strikes and he is out. A foul ball is a strike, too, but if the count is strike two, then a foul ball is not a strike. "Are you with me so far, Jacques?" /"Non!/ Just get me a hot dog and a beer." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *ADOLESCENT DEVELOPMENT When my child was young, I could do no wrong — Best Mom in the World! But when she was a teen, I got so dumb. My rules were lame! My clothes sucked! I was a mess! It's true — she told me. In spite of my bad mom-skills, she did grow up. And I got fixed! I'm smart once more, so she asks me things. She likes my clothes, so my taste must not suck the way it used to. I'm glad my kid stuck with me while I went through that rough phase. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) What a pithy party: honorable mentions *VOTER FRAUD, NORTH CAROLINA-STYLE* "We can't let all those dark folks vote. There's more and more of them and less and less of us. If we let them all vote, we'll lose. What to do?" "I know! Let's cut our state up in odd shapes and split up their votes. Spread those folks out so their votes can't hurt us." "Nice." "And let's make it so you have to have proof of who you are to vote. And let's make it so just one or two types of proof will work — the kind WE have, but THEY don't." "Hey, you boys are real smart." (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *HUMAN REPRODUCTION: * *When a dad loves a mom, they will hug a long time till Mom yells "Oh, God" and is glad. Dad says "Ugh" and goes to sleep. A small thing that came from Dad goes in an egg that Mom has and makes a new thing. It grows and grows for nine months. Then Mom screams "Oh God" once more but is not glad this time. It hurts and she gets mad at Dad. That is where young ones come from. Now you can tell the folks at church in a loud voice. (Combined entries from Ward Kay, Vienna, Va., and Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *WHY THE WORLD HATES AMERICANS* "Well, you see, we were in this cab and got stopped. Um, no, I don't know why, but then this cop put a gun to my head and cocked it. He said, 'Give me cash now!' Or at least I think that's what he said, but I know he robbed us, that's for sure. Yeah, that's it, he robbed us. Or not. We were a bit drunk — Oh, did I leave out how we trashed a store?" (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *CLIMATE CHANGE * Each hour, day, week, month, year, our world grows more hot. Smart folks try to learn the cause. Ooh! Ask me! I know! I left the stove on. (Mary Kappus, Washington) *THE TRUMP DOCTRINE *That weird rude guy says we ought to make this land great the way it used to be. But that "great" was /not/ great. It was bad for girls, those whose skin is not white, and men who love men. We should not buy it that things were so great then "" in fact, we should own it that they were not. Why don't the rude guy's fans get that this land should be great for white guys /and/ all the folks who are not the same as they are? (It seems so, you know, DUH.) (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *CLINTON'S EXPLANATION FOR USING A PRIVATE EMAIL SERVER* Oops. My bad. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *THE WEALTH OF NATIONS* There's this hand we can't see that lets us all win if we buy and sell stuff with no checks or regs. But if you are Trump, then such a hand is too small. You need a huge hand, one you can see, to put its thumb down on trade deals. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *SUPPLY SIDE ECONOMICS* Just tax poor folks. If you tax the rich folks, that is bad, for they will not launch and spread wealth and grow our land. So cut the tax for those rich guys, and then we will all be rich. (Note: The time frame for the last part is up in the air. We're sure it will take place real soon.) (Duncan Stevens) *IF YOU HEAR A NOISE, SOMETHING HAD TO MAKE IT I learned this the hard way. One cold night at home, I heard a big "whump!" I looked and looked, but no, not one thing out of place. So I just let it go. The next spring there was a stench near my front porch — from the well next to a glass pane. What was it? A huge ring tail coon fell off the roof and froze down there. Then it thawed. Then it stank. My spouse had to hoist it out. I held the bag. It was not fun. Then we had a stiff drink. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *THE MIRANDA WARNING, BY A PUBLIC DEFENDER* You have the right to not talk. If you talk, things may go wrong for you in court. Don't talk. You have the right at all times to have a smart guy be with you and think for you. Please, don't talk. You can stop your talk if you want to. Please, please , don't talk. If you can't pay the smart guy, you can have a free one. Please, please shut up. Do you want to talk? SAY NO!!! (Ed Sobansky) *HARMONIC RESONANCE* This is when things swing and bounce in big ways with just a small force. And this, too, is why sports bras are not prized by all of us. (Kevin Dopart) *THE POINT OF THE STYLE INVITATIONAL* "To lose, not to win, is the way to win, boss," she said. "High wit and low puns. Sly prose and tight rhymes. If you win (I am the judge) you get a crap prize. The goal for most is just to get ink. What do you think?" Jeff said, "I don't get it, but fine. We will still print it, but not on the back page. And black and white from now on." (Rob Cohen) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 12: our Mess With Our Heads bank-head contest. See bit.ly/invite1191 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1193, published September 18, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1193: Poedtry II Returning to a form that the Invite (or anyone else?) hasn't done since 1996. Plus the winning 'ge-' limericks of our annual Limerixicon.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment September 15 (Click here to skip down to the winning "ge-" limericks from Week 1189) *Mom, a Jew. Pop, a WASP. *Easter, Pesach, Christmas. *Communions, tallises,* *Psychoanalysis.* /(Roger L. Browdy, winner of Week 172, June 1996)/ Just over 20 years ago, this humble space introduced "an entire poetic form, making its global debut in the Style Invitational." It was dubbed the Poed, as in Poems by Ed, as in one Ed Hopkins of Davidsonville, Md., who'd suggested it. "ƒSince then, the form hasn't exactly found its way onto the syllabuses of collegiate English departments everywhere; in fact, Google showed the Empress exactly zero other Poeds besides the collection of inking entries from Week 172. That may be because it's a tall order, but we /are /talking about the Loser Community here. So let's give Mr. Hopkins's form a new lease on life: *This week: Write a Poed, which consists of four lines: *The first line contains six one-syllable words.* *The second line contains three two-syllable words.* *The third line contains two three-syllable words.* *The fourth line contains one six-syllable word (or a name totaling six syllables; that's the Empress's one amendment to the original. *And at least two of the lines must rhyme. This week's second prize, which is not exactly a children's book. Much as the Invite is not exactly a children's feature. ** This contest is no doubt challenging, but the original did produce some pretty good results; see them in this week's Style Conversational column , published late Thursday afternoon). ** *Submit entries at the websitebit.ly/enter-invite-1193 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a signed copy of a brand-new collection called "Bad Little Children's Books,"* by one "Arthur C. Gackley." The handsome, art-quality volume is filled with more than 100 old-time children's-book covers that have been "offensively tweaked" with Photoshop skills. So a 1950s-ish cover featuring a little boy and girl examining a treasure chest becomes "Can You Still Breathe, Grandma?: Taffy and Tuffy Learn About Oxygen." And that's one of the less tasteless ones. The prize was donated by "a longtime supporter of bad taste, cheap parody and The Style Invitational who, for obvious reasons, prefers to remain anonymous." *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or our new Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 26; results published Oct. 16 (online Oct. 13). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *DogGErel: The winning 'ge-' limericks of Week 1189* Week 1189 was our annual Limerixicon, the contest for limericks featuring words from some sliver of the alphabet, this time "ge-" words. The Invite has been Limerixiconning every year since 2004 in conjunction with OEDILF.com, an eternal project to create a full dictionary in which each word is described by a limerick; Week 1189 entrants, inking or not, are welcome to submit their entries there among the close to 100,000 limericks already included. 4th place I committed a social monstrosity When toasting my host's generosity.* "Thanks for sharing your house, Your fine liquor, your spouse . . ." Cue my exit at rapid velocity. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) 3rd place "I know all about countries and stuff — I'm a geopolitical* buff!" Touted Trump's latest boast, Though it should be, for most, That he left off the "-oon," clear enough. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2nd place and the antique copy of "The Last Days of Pompeii" by Edward Bulwer-Lytton: The gecko,* when stalked, can prevent His assailant's malicious intent: His tail can detach! That's all that they catch. He saves more than 15 percent. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: Shirley lied, "I'm just fat. I got stressed, ate More dining hall food than the rest ate." Her mom jerked a thumb At the freshman's huge tum Before bellowing, "Shirley, you*gestate!"* (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Out on a lim: honorable mentions To the joys of the flesh let's surrender! To my eager caresses please tender Your breasts — or your pecs! (I'm addicted to sex, But I'm simply indifferent to gender. ) *(Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) If you can't find your phone and your keys or Your dentures fall out when you sneeze or Your best conversations Concern medications, It's a pretty good bet you're a geezer. * (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) In*Genesis,* all things began: Day and Night, Sea and Sky, Beast and Man. God then tried to create An obedient mate — And that's when His plan hit the fan. (Jesse Frankovich) A generalizer's* a fool. Making sweeping pronouncements ain't cool. And before you complain That I've failed to abstain, The exception, I'm told, proves the rule. (Madeleine Begun Kane, New York) Are you geared up for shootin' and lootin'? Then you might like to know we're recruitin' To maintain our campaign For domain in Ukraine. Yours, in jugular vein, (Signed) V. Putin. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) As I stood on the stage, in the spot, They threw flowers; I wish they had not. The handsome*geranium* That bounced off my cranium (You guessed it) was still in a pot. (Hugh Thirlway) *Get, /n., a traditional Jewish divorce, and also the success in booking someone for a TV interview/ The Tel Aviv talk show was set — Its most coveted on-air guest yet! The PM would discourse On Israeli divorce — Oh, the viewers that get-get will get! (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) From old China, a tale you should know Of an army done in by its foe: Seems they took a big lickin' 'Cause their leader was chicken — Which is why we still know General Tso. * * (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) "I'm a genius!*" declared my dear mate. "I can program this thing, ain't that great? You can call me the czar Of this here VCR." I won't tell him he's 20 years late. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) As a general* rule, avoid lyin'. Down in Rio, the cops find it tryin'. When in guile you dive deep, The descent is so steep Even gold will look cheap, trust me. — Ryan (Stephen Gold) There's the swindled and penniless Huey Duck, And a brother more destitute, Louie Duck. But one bypassed the scams And kept all of his clams, So he's known by the alias*"Geoduck."* (Kevin Dopart, Washington)(Yes, it rhymes.) *Geriatrics* Playing hockey was Gerald's forte,* As a youth, on the ice night and day. Now at age 84, Thrice a game he'll still score: Gerry Hat Trick's his nickname today. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) (*The standard pronunciation of "forte," for its meaning of someone's strong suit, is "fort," as it is in French. But dictionaries also list the Italian pronunciation "fortay" even outside musical contexts.) For my little girl's birthday I built her A fish tank that went out of kilter: The pump up and died The day that she tried To breed a whole school of*gefilte. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Most spaniels are black, white or umber, But Kew Gardens produced a new number: Using chlorophyll genes* Extracted from beans, They created a dark green Kew Clumber. (Bob Turvey, Bristol, England) A genius has wisdom to spare, Pulls great insights out of the air, Discerns hidden truths When no more than a youth, And fully understands limerick rhyme and meter. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) At the germaphobes'* ball, she could tell He was smart and good-looking as hell; Better yet, he could dance, And she felt, through his pants, The extent of his jumbo Purell. (Melissa Balmain) I've been taken for granite," I hissed. "That geologist's* now off my list. What he sold wasn't gneiss At his 'rock-bottom price,' Just a typical lode of pure schist. (Kevin Dopart) "My wish," the old man told the genie,* Is that you would just lengthen my weenie." "I don't think so," she said, "But I'll do this instead:" And, poof, made the rest of him teeny. (Rob Cohen, Potomac) Revelations caused Huma to scoff, "Not again will you drink from that trough. You're still up to your tricks Texting genital* pix? Mister Weiner, I'm cutting you off." (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) I've not seen it in writing, it's verbal, But a friend of a friend heard a gerbil* Was once bought in a cage By a star of the stage, But then transferred to somewhere quite terbil. (Frank Osen) The Style Invitational's real; It's never refined or genteel.* It's often called sassy But never called classy. And that, folks, describes its appeal. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 19: our Ask Backwards contest, in which we give the answers and you give the funny questions. Seebit.ly/invite1192. ====================================================================== WEEK 1194, published September 25, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1194: Nyetymologies Plus the results of our name-chain contest You didn't know that "commodore" comes from the French "commode d'or," or "golden chamber pot"? Well, that's good. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment September 22(Click here to skip down to the winning name chains from Week 1190) *Commodore: During the reign of Charles VIII (the Affable), a perquisite of senior officers in the French Navy was the golden chamber pot, /une commode d'or./ (Joseph F. Wilkerson, New York Magazine Competition, 1999) *Persecute (Middle English /purse,/ pocketbook, + cute): To torment a man for wearing an attractive handbag. (Lauren Foley, ibid.) Four weeks ago we paid tribute to the late Mary Ann Madden, editor of the long-running New York Magazine Competition, by shamelessly using one of her favorite contest formats: the name chains that appear today. This week we'll rip off Ms. Madden one more time, thanks to Loser John O'Byrne, who sent the Empress a scanned copy of the results of NYMag Competition , from Jan. 18, 1999 — near the end of the competition's three-decade run in print. This week: Provide a humorously untrue explanation for the derivation of a word, as in the bogus etymologies above, both of them Madden honorable mentions for Week 927. Don't explain a whole expression; the Invite has done that contest fairly recently. *Submit entries at the website bit.ly/enter-invite-1194 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives "Maybe He's Dead, and Other Hilarious Results of New York Magazine Competitions," a 1981 paperback collection donated by Alfred Lubran. (No, there's no corresponding book for the Invite, but you can see every past contest on theMaster Contest List at the Losers' own website, NRARS.org.) *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or our new Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 3; results published Oct. 23 (online Oct. 20). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is Danielle Nowlin; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jon Gearhart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *WIT TO BE TIED: THE WINNING NAME CHAINS OF WEEK 1190* In Week 1190 we asked you to make a string of up to 15 names, each connected to the next in some way, to end up either at the name you started with or at an opposite one. Often, the funniest links are those that take a little thought to figure out — but if you don't get them, they're just a big HUH. The Empress did a lot of HUH last week, but did get the entries below. Some are just similar names; some play off the names, like Tinker-Taylor; and some refer to the people themselves. The results contain some explanatory links to click on; there will also probably be a lot of hashing out on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook. 4th place *Aly Raisman; Lazarus; "Deadpool"; Ryan Reynolds; Blake Lively; Robert Blake; "Baretta"; Wayne LaPierre, "Wayne's World"; Aurora, Ill. ; "Sleeping Beauty" ; Prince; "Let's Go Crazy"; Jim Beam, Aly Raisman. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) 3rd place *Kim Kardashian; Lil Kim; Little Richard; "Good Golly Miss Molly"; Molly Shannon; Shannon, Ireland; Kathy Ireland; Christie Brinkley; Billy Joel; "Allentown"; Steve Allen; Merv Griffin; Eva Gabor; Eddie Albert; Albert Einstein.* (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) 2nd place and the DVD of "The Losers": *Debbie Wasserman Schultz; Charles Schulz; "Peanuts"; Cracker Jack; Marion Barry; Muriel Bowser; Sha Na Na; Woodstock; Snoopy; Julian Assange; WikiLeaks; Depends; Bill Clinton; Hillary Clinton; Debbie Wasserman Schultz*. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Colin Kaepernick; "QB VII"; Leon Uris; Leon Panetta; Caspar Weinberger; Casper the Friendly Ghost; the Holy Ghost; God; Pope Francis; Francis Scott Key; "The Star-Spangled Banner"; Colin Kaepernick* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Jest ligature selves: honorable mentions *Jeb Bush;* Jed Clampett; "The Beverly Hillbillies"; Los Angeles; Griffith Park; "MacArthur Park"; Donna Summer; Donna Tartt; Don Ho; "Tiny Bubbles"; Donald Trump*. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Anthony Weiner; Oscar Mayer; Oscar De La Hoya; Georgetown University; Big East; Big Easy; New Orleans Saints; Joan of Arc; Noah; David; Goliath; "Giant"; James Dean; Jimmy Dean; *Anthony Weiner. (Jeff Contompasis) *Donald Trump;* Mike Pence; Ezra Pound; Minnesota Fats; Q; "Skyfall"; Chicken Little; Colonel Sanders; Husky Tools; *Donald Trump.* (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *John Deere; Buck Owens; "Hee Haw"; Donkey Kong; Pac-Man; Sheldon Adelson; Sheldon Cooper; Stephen Hawking; Peter Sellers; "The Pink Panther"; David Niven; David Letterman; Deere, John.* (Chris Doyle) *David Letterman; "The Postman Always Rings Twice"; James M. Cain; James Monroe; Marilyn Monroe; Joe DiMaggio; the New York Yankees; Yogi Berra; Yogi Bear; Stephen Colbert. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Donald Trump; "The Art of the Deal"; Art Garfunkel; "The Sound of Silence"; the Wall of Sound; Jerry Garcia; Ben & Jerry's; Phish Food ; Luca Brasi ; Khartoum ; Benghazi; Hillary Clinton. (Gregory Dunn, Alexandria, Va.) *Jon Hamm;* Mayo Clinic; Rochester ; Jack Benny ; Benny Hill; Frankie Valli; Four Seasons; Paris Hilton; France; "The Coneheads" ; Jane Curtin; Don Draper; Jon Hamm. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *Justin Trudeau; "O! Canada"; Baltimore Orioles; Earl Weaver; Spider-Man; Peter Parker; Trey Parker; "Blame Canada"; Justin Bieber. *(Chris Doyle) *Mitch McConnell; the Kentucky Creation Museum; God; Zeus; Dr. Seuss; "Yertle the Turtle"; Mitch McConnell . * (Chris Doyle) *Vladi­mir Putin; Vlad the Impaler; Lance Armstrong; Sir Lancelot; "Camelot"; Lawrence of Arabia; Superstorm Sandy; "The Desert Song"; Sigmund Romberg; Whoopi Goldberg; Whoopee Cushion; Vladi­mir Putin. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Pampers; Baby Face Nelson; Nelson Eddy; Jeanette MacDonald; the Golden Arches; Archie Bunker; Edith Bunker; Edith Piaf; "April in Paris"; June Allyson ; Depends*. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Julian Assange; Golden Snitch; Nimbus 2000 ; Styx; Sharon Stone; "The Mending Wall" ; Pink Floyd ; Floyd Mayweather; "April Showers";"The Cruelest Month" ; T.S. Eliot; "The Waste Land"; the Internet; WikiLeaks; Julian Assange.* (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) *Michael Jackson, Bubbles , Alka-Seltzer, Alcatraz, Dwayne Johnson , John Holmes, Watson,Ken Jennings ; Movie Star Barbie; "Toy Story"; Buzz Lightyear; Neil Armstrong; Michael Jackson . (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Anthony Weiner;* Snickers; Mars; "Lost in Space"; Will Robinson ; Carlos Danger;*Anthony Weiner.* (Mary Kappus, Washington) *God;* Eva Marie Saint; "North by Northwest"; Delta Burke; Atlanta; Rhett Butler; Lee Daniels ; Charlie Daniels; the Devil (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *JFK; Marilyn Monroe; Eminem; Mars; Spirit ; St. Louis; Cardinals; Pope Francis; Francis Bacon; Kevin Bacon; Tom Hanks; "The Terminal"; *JFK. (Todd DeLap) *Kim Kardashian;* Caitlyn Jenner; "Victor/Victoria"; Julie Andrews; Eliza Doolittle; "Doctor Dolittle"; Dr. Scholl's; Paul Bunyan; Lizzie Borden; Elsie the Cow; Mike Bossy ; Puck; Bottom ; *Kim Kardashian.* (Chris Doyle) *Donald Trump;* Megyn Kelly; Grace Kelly, Princess of Monaco; "The Princess Bride"; ROUS; *Donald Trump.* (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Yasser Arafat;* Fat Albert; the Pillsbury Doughboy; "The Danish Girl"; "The Little Mermaid" ; Ariel Sharon.* (Nathanael Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass.) *Michael Phelps; "M. Butterfly"; Jeremy Irons; Tiger Woods; Forrest Gump; Tom Hanks; Sheriff Woody; Buzz Lightyear; Buzz Aldrin; Project Apollo; Apollo Creed; Joe Louis; Louis B. Mayer; Samuel Goldwyn; *Michael Phelps. (Chris Doyle) *Abraham Lincoln;* Penny Marshall; Rob Reiner; Anthony Weiner; Oscar Mayer; Oscar the Grouch; Triumph the Insult Comic Dog; Arc de Triomphe; Paris Hilton; "Hotel California"; the Eagles; Philadelphia; Gettysburg; *Abraham Lincoln. (Hildy Zampella) *Sarah Palin;* "The Russia House"; John le Carré; Carry Nation ; A.A. Milne; Winnie-the-Pooh; Bear Grylls; George Foreman ; Barbara Boxer; Boxing Day; Christmas; Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer; Caribou Barbie; Sarah Palin. (Chris Doyle) *Elizabeth Warren; Warren Harding; Richard Nixon; "All the President's Men"; Woodward and Bernstein; Katharine Graham; A.O. Sulzberger ; Punch and Judy; Howdy Doody; Buffalo Bob Smith; John Smith; Pocahontas; *Elizabeth Warren. (Chris Doyle) */And Last: / The Czar ;* Gene Wilder; Dr. Frankenstein; Dr. Frank Burns; Trapper John; John Madden; Mary Ann Madden;"Gilligan's Island" ; "Fantasy Island"; Tattoo , Tatooine , Jabba the Hutt, the Playboy Mansion; "Pat the Bunny," the Empress.* (Kevin Dopart, Washington) ** Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 26: our Poeds contest. See bit.ly/invite1193 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1195, published October 2, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1195: Don't change a letter! But still alter a movie title Plus the winning bank heads of our Mess With Our Heads contest The Yellow Rosé of Texas, of course. This week's challenge: Change a movie's title without changing its letters. (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment September 29(Click here to skip down to the winning bank headlines from Week 1191) *The Yellow Rosé of Texas: (Doug Frank): Waco winemakers struggle to produce a high-ranked vintage. *The Leg End of Tarzan:* (Chuck Salerno) The Ape Man loses his grip on the vine, becomes literally footloose. *I Am Curious: Yell "Ow!" (Doug Frank) Adventurous Swedes practice using a safe word. This week's contest is the brainchild of 75-time Loser Doug Frank, who posted a challenge on Facebook: He called it "The Bad Reader's Guide to the Movies": Alter a movie title only by changing word spacing, changing capitalization, and adding or deleting punctuation marks, accents, etc., then describe the result, as in the examples above from the Facebook thread (which were posted without descriptions). Do not add, drop, substitute or rearrange letters or numbers. Note: Even with the umpteen and a half movies in existence, the Empress is sure she'll receive a bunch of identical titles, so it could well be the humor in the descriptions that wins the ink. That's L for Loser (also handy for mirror use): Kyle Hendrickson made these stoppers -- this week's second prize -- on his 3-D printer. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1195 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets two almost unique items: a pair of wine bottle stoppers in the shape of a hand making the L-for-Loser sign — designed and created by Loser Kyle Hendrickson on his 3-D printer, and given out last month to those who went to the Loserfest weekend in Pittsburgh. The whitish one is said to glow in the dark, even. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or our new Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 10; results published Oct. 30 (online Oct. 27). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . "Heads will LOL" is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jon Gearhart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HEADS WILL LOL: THE BANK HEADLINES OF WEEK 1191* Week 1191 was one of our Mess With Our Heads contests, in which you were asked to take a headline from The Post and reinterpret it with a bank head, or subtitle. Too often cited: a head calling Melania Trump "a model of restraint,"* with a bank head about a photo shoot of bondage gear. The links on headlines below show them in their actual contexts. (Some of the headlines used were links from the homepage and thus not archived, so some links show different wording.) 4th place *Mazda, Ford recall millions of vehicles Remember when we used to sell millions of vehicles? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 3rd place *This time, Kaepernick takes knee for anthem* Fortunately, dissident player was wearing a cup during assault (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place /and the whale-tail fleece hat : / *A government campaign urged Italians to have more babies immediately* Berlusconi's press secretary politely translates obscene gesture (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *'They call it bunny hunting'* Reaching out to NRA, Obama proposes new event to replace White House Easter Egg Roll (Roy Ashley, Washington) OFF-WIT, THEIR HEADS: HONORABLE MENTIONS *America in the world:* News comes as surprise to Gary Johnson (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Clinton should stop pretending she's not elite:* 'What's a leet?' asks Gary Johnson (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *What ever happened to Bronson Arroyo?* 'Okay, got it, now you're just putting me on,' Gary Johnson replies (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Breaking North American birdwatching's toughest record* : Neb. man bores 2,221 people with tales of rare sightings (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *Democrats lock arms around Clinton* : Nominee protests that she won't need bandoleers during debate (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) *Democrats squirm over Hogan's latest decision* : Speedo decried as poor choice for Md. governor's pool party (John Hutchins) *Focused on the art of the moment* : Toddler working on living room mural oblivious to mother yelling, 'No, no! We draw on paper!' (Danielle Nowlin, mother of three) *The ugliest, most appalling spectacle in American politics :* Remembering Rick Perry's 'smart glasses' (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *NASA craft blasts off on 7-year journey to collect rubble from asteroid*: Trump: "See what I mean about incompetence? We should be sending OUR garbage THERE." (Elden Carnahan) *Trump, Clinton go to Cleveland in pursuit of working-class voter: Voter seeks restraining order (Francis Canavan, Reston) *No more delaying the Purple Line: Prince's estate finally signs deal with Kmart (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Robert Griffin III's debut with Cleveland Browns ends in defeat and injury: QB 'already in midseason form,' coach boasts (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) *Get the facts* : Trump's chief speechwriter fired after unorthodox staff request (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *For some, Uber's self-driving taxi test not something to hail*: Black clients stunned as driverless cars ignore them (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) *A 500 million-mile mission ... to grab 4 pounds of dirt* : Paparazzo racks up distances seeking Kardashian topless shots (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) *The first step: Stop digging* Cure for Hepcat Syndrome begins with updated language (Gary Crockett) *Someone has to be first at this, Bill. It's your shot to be a trailblazer: Hillary reminisces about her third date with the future president (Theresa Kowal, Silver Spring, Md.) *Two small words inspired a marriage: *"I'm pregnant." (Cindi Rae Caron, Blowing Rock, N.C.) *The big question that could decide the 2016 election: * Do you want to be embarrassed every day, or just once a week or so? (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *More than 6 million immigrants could be deported : *Native Americans consider retaking Manhattan (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Offensive outburst does the trick for O's: Studies confirm that talking dirty improves sexual satisfaction (Steve Honley, Washington) *A biography, in subject's own words: Writer explains what an autobiography is (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.; Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Army runs wild in upset of Temple : * IDF's reenactment of Roman attack 'not such a good idea,' reconsiders Netanyahu (Mark Raffman; Steve Honley; Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Fewer taking Metro trains: Thefts decline after operators stop leaving keys overnight inside sun visors (Andrew Hatzyannis, Rockville, Md.) *Media bids for names in 'Bridgegate' denied* : Suggestions of 'Chris-crossed,' 'Porky's Revenge' rejected to replace cliched suffix (Howard Walderman, Columbia) *News project wages war on cluelessness: Paper rushes to replace dropped daily crossword (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *Scalp-hunting as sport: Snyder launches new league to 'truly honor Native Americans' (Kevin Dopart) *This week, the presidential candidates embarrassed all of us :* Record now extended to 53 consecutive weeks (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) *Uzbek President Islam Karimov dies at 78: Hearse will karimov to cemetery (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *A teacher's daily grind in a public school classroom* : Parents troubled by educator's twerking routine (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *How to cultivate a gripping story* Corey Lewandowski signs book deal for his side of altercation with reporter (Frank Osen) *Trump and Clinton are at that age when things start happening: Late-onset puberty becoming more common (Elden Carnahan) *Mother whose child was forced to mop up urine says 'nobody would help'*: School janitor, 38, wishes his mom would not bother him at work (Rob Huffman) *Returning Congress has one main aim: No shutdown*: Other lofty goals include not burning down the Capitol, remembering where they parked (Hildy Zampella) *Some states don't want midwives to deliver babies outside hospitals: 'At least move her into the service alley,' spokesman pleads (Elden Carnahan) *10,000 is not enough* Yet Style Invitational entry limit remains at 25 (Gary Crockett) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 3: our contest for fake origins of words. See bit.ly/invite1194 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1196, published October 9, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1196: Hyphen the Terrible — a neologism contest Plus the ink for Ask Backwards, when we gave the answers and you gave the questions While the Invite has done the Hyphen the Terrible contest 17 times previously, Mr. Terrible himself has never before been depicted. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment October 6(Click here to skip down to the results of our Ask Backwards contest) *ALbums + coLOGNE: Al-logne: Perfume that's guaranteed to keep you from being bothered.* (Kevin Dopart) *AMERIca + disproPORTIONATELY: Ameri-portionately: Super-sized.* (Pam Sweeney) This week's second prize: You push the hair and it spouts any of eight recorded phrases. It is, of course, the most fabulous pen ever created. (Courtesy of Jay Kamhi) *EFfort + AfGHANISTAN: Ef-ghanistan: What Americans reply when they're asked about our longest war. (Chris Doyle) It's a neologism contest that the Invite has done 17 times, but not in more than two years: Combine either half of a hyphenated word or compound term with either half of another such term to create a new hyphenated term, and describe the result humorously, as in the runners-up above from Week 1078, the last time we ran this contest. Feel free to use it in a funny sentence. And there's a hitch, but it's not all that hitchy; the Empress is feeling magnanimous: Both halves of the term must come from the same issue of The Washington Post or another print newspaper, or published the same day on washingtonpost.com, from Oct. 6 through Oct. 17.* Please include the source and the date, e.g., "Post, Oct. 10"; "Post website, 10/14"; "Podunk Daily Fishwrap, 10-8." Your neologisms don't all have to come from the same day's paper. *Submit entries at this website:bit.ly/enter-invite-1196 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the fabulous battery-operated Donald Talking Pen, donated by Loser Dave Prevar: You push on Donald's head and get any of eight actual recorded phrases, such as "I will be the greatest president that God ever created." There's a fascinating story that ran in The Post in August about the creation of this pen and what happened when its designer, a fan named Jay Kamhi, showed it to Donald Trump; see it at bit.ly/trump-pen . (Dave promises us a Hillary pen soon.) *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or our new Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 17; results published Nov. 6 (online Nov. 3). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The "Q cards" headline was sent by both Nan Reiner and Kevin Dopart; Kevin also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *Q CARDS: THE ASK BACKWARDS WINNERS FROM WEEK 1192* Like Hyphen the Terrible, the Ask Backwards contest has been an Invitational fave since the earliest days of the Empress's predecessor, the Czar. In Week 1192 we gave 15 "answers," some of which sounded good but didn't generate much in the way of questions (which is why we give 15 answers). Funny but too frequently submitted: "a $27 donation" as Trump's charitable giving; the National Postal Museum being closed in rain, gloom, etc.; and "Florida Man's Résumé" listing several Darwin Awards — never mind that those go to people who end up dead or sterilized. 4th place: A. Cockroach milk. Q. What is slightly more appetizing than Leeches and Cream? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) 3rd place A. Donald Trump's birth certificate. Q. What is marked "Return to Sender"? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2nd place and the electric YES! button : A. Lobster roll trucks on every corner. Q. What does Lobster do when "LOBSTER ANGRY!!"? (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: A. Waist-slimming compression wrap. Q. What could possibly top last year's new laundry basket as a Mother's Day present? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Ask-its of deplorables: honorable mentions *COCKROACH MILK *What is the second ingredient in lice pudding? (Mary Kappus, Washington) What goes well in a cup of Chock Full o' Nits? (Jeff Contompasis) Why do so many cockroaches have tiny white mustaches? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) What "free-range, locally sourced" item is being put on menus to thwart health inspectors? (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *AN ELEVATOR AND AN ALLIGATOR, BUT NOT A WAITER * What doesn't expect a big tip for squeezing in a few more people right before closing? (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) What might you check inside to find a missing resident of Miami? (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *RYAN LOCHTE'S URINE SAMPLE* What gives new meaning to "dope test"? (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.; Chris Doyle) /Senhor,/ what's the title of that mural at your gas station? (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) What's the only thing Ryan Lochte didn't drink in Rio? (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) *149 YARDS RUSHING* What can my landscapers complete each week that the Redskins can't? (Theresa Kowal, Silver Spring, Md.) In the "Macbeth in the Suburbs" adaptation, what does Macbeth see instead of a forest walking? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) What won't cut it when you're 150 yards from your camper when you spot a bear? (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *A $27 DONATION* What is the price of an acre in Utopia? (Jack Turner, Milford, Del., a First Offender) What do you call it when a politician gets caught with his hand in a stripper's G-string? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *SWISS CHARD BUT NOT A SWISS BANK ACCOUNT *What can you use if you're out of lettuce? (Pam Sweeney) What grows best with lots of sunshine? (Gary Crockett) What can $27 get you in Georgetown? (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *DONALD TRUMP'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE* What has two especially tiny handprints? (Danielle Nowlin; Joe Neff, Warminster, Pa.) What bears the notation "8 lb. 11 oz. incl. silv. spoon"? (Chris Doyle) What document is stamped "Under Audit"? (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.; Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) *THE NATIONAL POSTAL MUSEUM* Where is the United States' largest collection of snails? (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) What museum houses the largest collection of tourists looking for other museums? (John Hutchins) What is a nicer-sounding term than Dead Letter Office? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) What did they call that exhibit of confiscated weapons at St. Elizabeths Hospital? (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) *WAIST-SLIMMING COMPRESSION WRAP What's less comfortable than a middle seat in coach? (Pam Sweeney) What, if worn too tightly, might also be called "waste-slimming"? (Kelly Ronayne, Alexandria, Va.) What's the most ordered lunch at the Miss America contestants' snack bar? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *FLORIDA MAN'S RESUME* What references 87 guest appearances on "Cops"? (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) What says "Education: Redacted by request of school attended"? (Hildy Zampella) Where does the list of references include Jack Daniel and Johnnie Walker? (Christina Courtney, Gettysburg, Pa.) What includes a stint as a salesman hawking Burmese pythons as "waist-slimming compression wraps"? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *THE MALTESE PARAKEET* What film marked the debut of detective Sam Teaspoon? (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *2,002 OLD EMAILS* If Proust were writing today, what would his masterpiece be called? (Melissa Balmain) Why is Congress investigating Hillary's alleged ties to Ni­ger­ian royalty? (Pam Sweeney) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 10: our contest to change a movie title without changing any letters. See bit.ly/invite1195 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1197, published October 16, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1197: Picture This — our cartoon caption contest Plus the results of our devilish Poed challenge *(Bob Staake/For The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment October 13 (Click here to skip down to the results of our Hars Poedica contest) Week 1197: Picture this — a Bob Staake caption contest Since 1994, when the Czar of The Style Invitational took a chance on a hyperactively creative scribbler from St. Louis whose sense of humor seemed to mesh with his own, the Invite has been blessed (from the French /blessé,/ "wounded") virtually every seven days by the illustrations of Bob Staake. And at least a couple times a year, we make the Invite a Bob Contest. This week: Provide a caption for any of the cartoons above; be sure to label each entry "Picture 1," "Picture 2," etc., because that's what Ms. Empress will be searching on during her Weekly Marathon of Judging. *Submit entries to this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1197 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an awful faux-"primitive"wooden surfer figurine made in Indonesia for the tourist trade, donated by Loser Susan Thompson. We don't call our runners-up Losers for nothing. (This prize actually has more monetary value than most of our other offerings.) This week's second prize: No, it's not Trump after losing 100 pounds and taking up surfing; it's an Indonesian "primitive" figurine made for the tourist trade. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or our new Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 24; results published Nov. 13 (online Nov. 10). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . "Hars Poedica" in the headline is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Nan Reiner. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.** *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HARS POEDICA: REPORT FROM WEEK 1193* No matter what challenges we present to the Greater Loser Community — especially the Loserbards of our verse contests — some intrepid few will meet them. With the Week 1193* "Poed" contest, the few were fewer than usual. It proved a tough challenge to meet the Poed (named for a guy named Ed) format of exactly six one-syllable words in the first line, three two-syllable words in the second, two threes in the third, and one six-syllable word (or a name) in the last, plus a rhyme in there somewhere — and be funny. Here's the wheat (or maybe we should call them wheaties) that we tweezed from the chaff. 4th place All day the news shows blare, Donald-Donald-Donald! Hillary-Hillary! NPRtillery. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 3rd place "Doc, give it to me straight: Zika? Buboes? Prostate? Leprosy? Myiasis?" "Hypochondriasis." (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) 2nd place and the signed copy of "Bad Little Children's Books": In what world can Trump be — Even only briefly -- Sincerely considered Commander-in-chiefly? (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: Eight of me in my head. Crazy? Maybe instead Multi-me's healthier: Biodiversity! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Po' 'eds: honorable mentions What is not so nice is Paying Mylan's prices. Purchasers furious, EpiPenurious. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) The big news of the year? Brexit? Parted nation? Terrorists? Election? Brangelinegation! (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) The game that spoils the peace Besides helping increase Nintendo's revenue: Pokémonetizing. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) What is "truth" on the Web? Rumors: angry, unsourced, Biases reinforced, E-pissed-emology. (Gary Crockett) LPs. VCRs, yet! Carbon paper! Cassette Recorders! Telephones! Nana-technology. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Fast-food staff, up in arms! Protest tiny wages! Suggested solution? Counter-revolution! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Dang! We ran out of booze. (Lousy party crashers!) Attendance inflated: Underguestimated. (Beverley Sharp) Trump "tells it like it is"; Clinton uses finesse. Equally distrusted, Credibilityless. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) This is way out of hand! Coffee, candles . . . Pringles? Everything's applying Pumpkinspicifying. (Jesse Frankovich) Fire. Flood. Bad switch. Failed rails. Metro's SafeTrack routing. Everyday commuting Reliability. (Kevin Dopart) A bell rings, a dog drools. Ivan Pavlov's simple Notation: "Fabulous! RinTinTinabulous!" (Chris Doyle) He sends "junk" mail by phone Today, sitting alone. Another subpoena, Anthony D. Weiner. (Ralph Nitkin, Rockville, Md.) My new phone bit the dust iPad's also kaput. Infernal damnation! Ex-communication. (Beverley Sharp) Some Trump folks must be good People, although others . . . Reprobates, horrible, Ultradeplorable. — H.R.C., N.Y. (Nan Reiner) What if they taxed "hand" size? Surely, bragging ceases . . . Adjusted decimal . . . Infinitesimal! (Mark Raffman) It's time for us to be Festive, forward-thinking: Passover, Hanukkah . . . Marijewanukkah. (Nan Reiner) When she says, "It's fine!" her Meaning often implies Exactly otherwise: Gyneco-logical. (Mark Raffman) Six moves in five states net Seven stupid magnets (Maryland repeated) Kevin d'Eustachio. (Of Beltsville, Md.) I just got my new Note! Samsung's offers promote "Mind-blowing clarity." Why'sitgettinghotACK — (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) /And last:/ Here's what nerds feel as they're Writing tricky verses: Frustration, vexation, Poedification. (Chris Doyle) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct 17: our Hyphen the Terrible neologism contest. See bit.ly/invite1196 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1198, published October 23, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1198: Give it to us straight 'Translate' an insincere quote into 'plain English'; plus the winning bogus word derivations Ad in the paper: "Our biggest sale of the year!" Translation: Nobody bought our sweaters. (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment October 20(Click here to skip down to the winning totally bogus word derivations from Week 1194) /Ad:/ "Our biggest sweater sale of the year!" | /Translation:/ "Nobody bought our sweaters!" (Dave Prevar, Week 897) /Actual quote: / "*The economy was in strong condition going into the recent period of volatility, and while certain sectors like housing are undergoing a transition, overall economic fundamentals remain solid."* /Translation:/ "The poo hasn't hit the fan — yet."* (Susan Shapiro, Week 729) You don't have to be from Washington to be used to the language of obfuscation and spin, though we in the D.C. area tend to be especially fluent. It's been six years since the Invite's last of several contests to translate quotes into "plain English," and our need for interpreters is just as dire. This week: Take any sentence from an article or ad in any publication dated Oct. 20 to Oct. 31 — or from an online article dated within that period — and translate it into "plain English," as in the examples above from 2010 and 2007. (In the past, the Empress was caught also giving ink to snarky comments on the quotes even if they weren't really "translations," such as Dion Black's runner-up from Week 897: Quote: "If you are out and about in a kilt, then remember to show some decorum." PE: And decorum is the only thing you'd better be showing.) Please say where the sentence came from, along with the date. For more guidance and to see the results of previous "plain English" contests, see this week's Style Conversational column at*bit.ly/conv1198 (posted late Thursday afternoon). Push a button on her throat and you get her recorded scary laugh: this week's second prize. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1198 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — just in time for the election to be over — a Hillary Laughing Pen: Press a button on Hillary's throat and her jaw moves up and down as a recorded Clintonian cackle — her own voice — bursts forth. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar, who also gave us the analogous Donald Talking Pen that we offered inWeek 1196 . *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or our new Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 31; results published Nov. 20 (online Nov. 17). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.** *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *RECKLESS DERIVERS: REPORT FROM WEEK 1194* In Week 1194 we asked for fictitious etymologies, bogus explanations of where various words came from. Sorry to many of you, but we'd already heard the one about "Congress" meaning the opposite of "progress." 4th place: *Pokémon* (from Jamaican slang /pokey mon,/ or jailer): Fictional beings that capture and lock up the brains of nonfictional beings. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 3rd place: *Novice* (/no/ + Latin /vice,/ corruption, deficiency): A person who has yet to learn the wrong way to do something. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) 2nd place and the collection of New York Magazine Competition entries : *Autumn* (from /aauggh,/ despair + /tummy):/ The time of year when one gets a queasy feeling that one's first-place team will yet again go down to ignominious defeat. (Nan Reiner, a passionate Nationals fan now in Boca Raton, Fla.; this entry was written Oct. 4, nine days before The Inevitable) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *America: Concatenation of the Spanish /amé /and /rica; /rough translation: "I love the wealthy." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) ApocryFail: honorable mentions *Orangutan* (from /orange/ + /tan/): A big animal classified as critically endangering. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Euphrates* (Greek /eu-,/ good + Old English /phrate, /afraid): An area of the world we are good and scared of. (Warren Tanabe) *Lavatory* (Latin /lave,/ wash + /Tory,/ monarchist): During the Revolution, angry colonists would dunk British "loyalists" heads in filled chamber pots as a punishment. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Offhand:* Casually negligent. First used to describe a Saudi man who "forgot" to pay for a pomegranate. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Grammar* (from French /grand-mère): /"Proper" usage as defined by old people. (Mark Raffman) *Football:* From the 13th-century Flemish /ffut,/ the sound made by a collapsing pig bladder when kicked, an event that tended to happen several times per game. (Bob Turvey, Bristol, England) *Politics:* Soon after the advent of democracy in Athens, Pericles coined the term from/poly/ (many) and/tikia /(twitches): something involving a large number of jerks. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Decadent:* From Greek/deka-,/ ten + French /dent, /tooth: Linguistic relic from a time when having only a few remaining teeth indicated a lifestyle rich in costly sugar and chocolate. (Daniel Galef, Montclair, N.J.) *Dowager:* (From /Dow Jones/ + /-ager/): An elderly woman with considerable stock market assets. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Committee* (Latin /com-,/ together + /mitty,/ from Walter Mitty) A group fantasizing that it will accomplish something. (Warren Tanabe) *Nominal: Trifling, insignificant. From the mishearing of an expression as "It cost a nominal egg." (Chris Doyle) *Contract* (/con,/ abbrev. of /convict/ +/tract,/ leaflet): A document you probably shouldn't sign. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Mystery:* From the Middle Ages, an ephemeral apparition often called "Mr. E," observed at numerous crime scenes but never apprehended. (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.) *Offend* /(off + end):/ To treat someone inconsiderately, as if pushing a person off the end of a crowded bench. (Skip Livingston, Hopewell, N.J.) Most people think Delmarva* is an acronym of the three adjoining states. But it actually is a Spanish expression, "of where the sea goes"; while the Spanish never settled this area, they would empty their bilges so the ocean would wash away their effluence. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *Diagnose:* From the ancient practice of assessing a patient's condition through the sense of smell, particularly for urinalysis. A far less popular method was to diagtongue. (Jeff Contompasis) *Uranus,* the seventh planet from the Sun, so called because it was regarded as the original /(ur) /back end of the solar system. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) *Technology* (Greek /tech,/ skill + no + /-logy,/ discourse) A means to avoid interacting with people. (Warren Tanabe) A French journalist observing a U.S. political party gathering in 1916 observed that the proceedings were full of /vent/ (wind); ever since they have been called "conventions." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Donnybrook* (diminutive of /Donald,/+ /brook,/ stream): Argument engendered by babbling nonsense. (Nan Reiner) *Cosmology* (/Cosmopolitan /magazine +/logy,/ sluggish): The study of why the universe needed 13 billion years of foreplay before it had its first Earth-shattering organism. (Gary Crockett) *Incomprehensible*, from i/ncome, /earnings + /prehens, / grasping, as in "The candidate's tax plan is incomprehensible." (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Furniture* (/fur/ + /niture,/ to knit): a place where animals deposit and interweave their hair. (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) */And Last: /Invite* (Latin /in-,/ not + Latin /vitae,/ life): Having no life. (Warren Tanabe) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 24: Our Bob Staake cartoon caption contest. See bit.ly/invite1197 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1199, published October 30, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1199: Go for the bad choices Plus 'Citizen Kañe' and other movie titles altered without changing any letters Woud you rather have the ghost watch you and your sweetie in bed, or telling you jokes while you're on the toilet? Hmm. (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment October 27(Click here to skip down to the winning altered movie titles) /Your home is haunted. Would you rather have a ghost that silently watches you have sex or a ghost that whispers creepy riddles at you while you're going to the bathroom?/ /Would you rather have a five-second make-out session with someone who hasn't brushed his or her teeth in a year or eat a live spider?/ /Either your best friend gets laid off with two weeks' pay or you lose the ability to copy and paste on electronic devices for the rest of your life. Which do you pick?/ The inspiration for this week's contest: The winner gets this book along with the Inkin' Memorial. /Would you agree to go up 1 to 2 points on the attractiveness scale if it meant that your breath would smell like buttered popcorn the rest of your life?/ The fortunately preposterous dilemmas cited above are among the "Questions for Terrible People" in a new book by that name by Boston comedian Wes Hazard. Hazard offers "250 questions you'll be ashamed to answer" — one to a page in headline-size type — by which you can determine just how scummy a person you are. * *This week: Offer one or more funny Questions for Terrible People in this vein; they don't necessarily have to be a choice between two undesirable alternatives, but the questions should be entertaining in themselves; we're not looking for answers here (at least not this week). See more questions from the book in this week's Style Conversational column atbit.ly/conv1199 (published late Thursday afternoon). *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1199 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy, plus the "Questions for Terrible People" book. Second place gets anelectronic toilet paper roller that emits a recording of Donald Trump when you pull on it. Donated by Dave Prevar, who also gave us the Donald and Hillary pens we offered recently; of course, by then you'd be listening to either the president-elect or a total loser. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 7 (since there won't be anything else on your mind that day); results published Nov. 27 (online Nov. 23). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *FILM FLAMMERY: THE ALTERED MOVIE TITLES OF WEEK 1195* *In Week 1195 we asked you to alter a movie title — without changing or rearranging any letters: The changes had to result from changing punctuation, adding or deleting spaces, etc. At least 18 people offered the cannibalism tale of "The Grad U Ate." 4th place: *Indiana Jones and the Temp, Leo F. Doom:* Indy's vacation is cut short when his nebbishy substitute turns out to be an evil mastermind bent on global destruction. (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) 3rd place: *Bob & Carol, & Ted & Alice:* Commas spoil all the fun. (Tim Westmoreland, Takoma Park, Md., who got his only previous blot of Invite ink in Week 142 — 21 years ago) 2nd place and the L-for-Loser bottle stoppers : *All the Presidents — Men:* Limited engagement through Jan. 20, 2017 — H.R.C., New York (Ben Aronin and Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Rebel Without ACA Use:* After losing one too many knife fights, a teenage loner signs up for Obamacare. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Demotion pictures: honorable mentions *Citizen Kañe:* The story of Charles Foster's even more self-centered relative. (Bruce Johnson, Churchton, Md.) *Good, Fellas!:* A mob boss finds out that his new "motivation by positive reinforcement" plan isn't as effective as the other thing. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *T or A? T or A? T or A?: Trump finally deliberates over something. (Francis Canavan, Reston, Va.) *A Night Tore Member:* Christian Grey realizes he finally overdid it. (Jill Fosse, University Park, Md.) *Child Reno: F the Corn!:* Little Janet refuses to eat her vegetables yet grows up to become a powerful attorney general. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) *Fat Her's Little Dividend:* Miss Universe exacts revenge on a presidential candidate. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Do "G'Day!" After Noon:* A young woman learns the ways of the lunch shift at Outback Steakhouse. (Doug Frank) *DA's Boo-T: A shapely prosecutor struggles to be taken seriously. Starring Kim Kardashian. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Dr.? No!:* A sixth-year PhD student spends another awkward Thanksgiving with the relatives. (Rivka Liss-Levinson) *Fat Al Attraction:* Being a weatherman on national TV has its perks, even if you're not quite studly. (Doug Frank; Brian Collins, Olney, Md.) *Fat Hero: "F the Bride":* A bridesmaid fights back when she's too big to fit in the ugly dress that Bridezilla wants her to wear. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Finding NE, MO: Episode 12 of "Touring the Midwest." (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) *GA-ND-HI :* A charismatic leader heads a peaceful protest march from Atlanta to Fargo to . . . Honolulu? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Goodwill Hunt in G: Five hipsters compete for the biggest thrift store deal to the hypnotic backing of a piano sonata. (Nathanael Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass.) *"Ground-Hog Day":* A pig farmer's battle to put the "ham" in "hamburger." (Mark Mironer, Edina, Minn., a First Offender) *Ho Meal One:* Breakfast at Your Mama's. (Jesse Frankovich) *The "God, Father!!" Part II:* Sequel to the hit about a teenage daughter's embarrassment over her dad's increasingly ambitious comb-overs. (Danielle Nowlin) *Spell "Bound":* Scandal erupts when the Scripps-Howard Spelling Bee throws out a softball to a judge's son. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *The Break Fast Club:* Comedy: Those gangly college friends find part-time work in a crystal shop. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) *The Cab, Le Guy: "Taxi Driver," reimagined in Paris. (Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.) *Art-Hur:* A lovable drunk is driven through New York City in his chauffeured chariot. (Jon Grantham, Bowie, Md.) *La La La, N.D.:* Two workers fall in love at a Prozac manufacturing plant on the prairie. (Frank Osen) *Life Is, Beautiful:* Humphrey Bogart stars as an existentialist philosopher. (Ed Sobansky, Bowie) *Little Bi G-Man:* The J. Edgar Hoover story. (Mike Creveling, La Plata, Md.; Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) *Mad Ma X: In the 10th installment of the series, little Billy still hasn't cleaned his pigsty of a room! (Jesse Frankovich) *Minority, Report!:* President Trump issues his first executive order. (Stephen Dudzik) *Mild Red Pierce: A teen beats infection after a visit to the mall kiosk. (Josh Calder, Washington) *No Wand Forever:* Caitlyn Jenner reflects on The Big Decision. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) *O, Liver!:* An orphan reconsiders asking for more food. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) *Pay It for Ward:* June Cleaver saves the day when the family's electricity is shut off. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Pre-TTY Woman:* Julia Roberts stars in a remake of "The Miracle Worker." (David Peckarsky, Tucson, a First Offender) *Snow: White:* From the "First Things First" series of nature documentaries. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *'S Now White:* At last, a whimsical animated feature about gentrification! (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *The Not e-Book:* A millennial is dumbfounded when he finds a bunch of papers all stuck together with glue or something. (David Fialkoff, North Potomac, Md., a First Offender) *The Shin in G:* A family's Vermont retreat is disturbed by the discovery of a human leg in their motel room. (Sarah Jay) *The Girl With the Drag-On Tattoo: Ten years after she went in for "just a tiny little heart" on her hip, she's on Step 23 of a full-body angel/demon battle scene. (Danielle Nowlin) *Mad'm Ax:* Lizzie Borden's Aussie descendant takes more than a little bite out of crime. (Stephen Dudzik) *CA PE Fear:* In Santa Monica, nerds skip gym class to avoid "dodgeball day." (Mark Raffman) *Tomorrow? Never! (Dies.):*In this gritty remake of "Annie," "only a day away" is one too many. (Rivka Liss-Levinson) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 31: Our contest to translate a wordy or misleading sentence into "plain English." See bit.ly/invite1198 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1200, published November 6, 2016 WEEK 1200: THE DEFINITIVE DOZEN Give us a wry 12-word 'Devil's Dictionary' entry; plus Hyphen the Terrible neologism winners "In closing": Oratorical flourish meaning "I will now speak 15 more minutes." (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment November 3(Click here to skip down to the winning "Hyphen the Terrible" neologisms) *"In closing": Oratorical flourish meaning "I will now speak 15 more minutes." (Peter Metrinko) *Global warming: Leftist plot to destroy Americans' God-given right to destroy.* (Mark Naimark) *Historical revisionism: Now the past has been torched by a new generation. (Phil Frankenfeld) After no one would volunteer to model this hat at the last Loser brunch, the Empress just made a selfie. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) The Empress can't quite believe it, either, but The Style Invitational has reached Week 1200 and we're still here. We'll commemorate it in our time-honored way: by ripping off an earlier contest. This week: Supply a word, name or multi-word term along with a wry definition or description; together, the term and description must total exactly 12 words, as in the examples above from Week 860 in 2010, when we asked for the same thing, but with the definition exactly 10 words. Two words joined with a hyphen will count as two words. Use an existing term; don't make up a neologism. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1200 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this adorable crocheted olive-green ski mask with a multitude of crocheted tentacles curling below the eye holes, a la Cthulhu of H.P. Lovecraft or perhaps an Ood of "Doctor Who." Donated by John "Ed" Edwards of Surrey, England. *Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 14; results published Dec. 4 (online Dec. 1). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The "Split Hars" headline for this week's results is by Danielle Nowlin; the honorable-mentions subhead is by William Kennard. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.** *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *SPLIT HARS: WINNING 'HYPHEN THE TERRIBLE' NEOLOGISMS FROM WEEK 1196* ** In Week 1196, one of our recurring*"Hyphen the Terrible"* contests, we asked the Greater Loser Community to look through the pages of The Post or another publication for hyphens between two words or within a word (often when a word breaks at the end of a line), and then combine either side of the hyphen with either side of another hyphenated term. The neologisms below are mostly from The Post, though entrants also curled up with line endings from a host of other rags, among them the Hartford Courant, the Boston Globe, the Maryland Independent, the Martinsburg (W.Va.) Journal, the Boone, N.C., Mountain Times and, not to be forgotten, the West Plains (Mo.) Daily Quill. Vive small papers — long may they hyph-enate. 4th place /(hem-orrhoid + mem-oir)/ Hemoir:* A life story that comes to a painful end. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 3rd place /(hill-sides + Clin-ton)/ Hillton:* A hotel where your efforts to check into it are always thwarted by the lady behind the desk. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 2nd place and the Donald Talking Pen : /(miscon-duct/ + /con-tinued) / Miscontinued:* Dug a hole and kept digging. "Despite warnings from aides, the nominee miscontinued his sexist remarks." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /(assess-ment + in-formation)/ Assessin:* Someone who kills good ideas by saying, "I think we need to study this more." (Jeff Contompasis) Low-phens: honorable mentions /(ad-dress + en-joy)/ Ad-joy:* Unalloyed ecstasy seen in infomercials, usually directed at small kitchen appliances. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) /(low-income + ro-mances)/ Lowmances: One-night stands at the EconoLodge. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) /(constipa-tion + in-roads)/ Constiparoads: I-270 and I-66 on a Friday evening. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) /(esca-lation + flash-lights)/ Escalights: Rival neighbors' ever more ostentatious annual Christmas displays. (Jeff Contompasis) /(evangeli-cal + per-functory)/ Evangelifunctory: Paying lip service to conservative Christian principles. "Before introducing Mr. Trump, Mr. Falwell made some evangelifunctory remarks about upholding strong family values." (Duncan Stevens) /(strip-ping + spec-ulation)/ Stripulation: "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) /(inflamma-tory + of-fense)/ Inflammafense:* A huge faux pas, e.g., hooking up with the boss's husband at the office Christmas party. (John Hutchins) /(Woo-lever, name of a funeral home + low-reaching)/ Woo-reaching:* The "courtship" of grabbing a woman's whatever. (Jesse Frankovich) // /(middle-class + pas-sionately) / Class-sionately:* With great intensity but with civility, as in a debate. /(Obsolete.)/ (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) /(neuro-surgeon + Euro-pean) / Neuropean:* Le Woody Allen. (Gary Crockett) /(pyro-technic + sym-phonic) / PyroPhonic: What Samsung is going to call its new audio system. (Cindi Rae Caron, Blowing Rock, N.C.) /(red-light-cam-era + per-sons)/ Red-light-camper:* A popular stop with Appalachian Tail hikers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) /(sin-ister + Sun-day)/ Sinday:* Every day of the week on the Gomorran calendar. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) /(congres-sional + inves-tigated) / Congrestigated:* Having had 3,194 questions asked in 33 hearings at a taxpayer cost of $23 million to find zero administrative wrongdoing. (Jesse Frankovich) /(humani-ty + Abra-ham) / Humani-Ham:* The marketing department rejected this original name for Soylent Green. (John Hutchins) /(ill-informed + technol-ogy) / Illogy:* An unending series of sickening movies. "The 'Saw' illogy isn't likely to stop at seven." (John Hutchins) /(disas-trous + as-pirations)/ Disaspirations:* "I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall." (Jesse Frankovich) /(argu-ment + anni-versary)/ Arguversary: A special occasion in which each half of a committed couple swears hearing the other one offer to make dinner reservations. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) /(wealthi-est + under-way) / Wealthi-way:* The HOT lanes on the interstate. (Jeff Contompasis) /(Demo-crat + Dem-ocrats) / Cratocrats:* Class of leaders who lead because they are in the leader class. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) /(di-rector + doz-ens) / Rector-doz:* A sermon so boring that even the pastor falls asleep. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) /(dis-tricts + de-stroyed) / Dis-stroyed:* Lost badly trading Mama insults while playing the dozens. (Jeff Contompasis) /(endo-metrial + four-inches) / Endo-inches:* thisclose (Cindi Rae Caron) /(gro-cery + cam-paign) / Gropaign:* A great strategy for reaching female voters. (Kevin Dopart) /(laugh-ter + fran-chise) / Laugh-chise:* The Cleveland Browns. (Duncan Stevens) /(medi-cal + con-tractor) / MediTractor:* The device used by your former proctologist. (Margaret Welsh, Oakton, Va.) /(millenni-als + af-fordable) / Millenni-fordable:* A burger, a brew and a basement. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) /(Euro-pean + neuro-surgeon)/ Eurosurgeon: One of the officials who will perform the Brexit procedure (a.k.a. "Eubris"). (Gary Crockett) /(pop-lar + in-juries)/ Pop-juries: Whoever these people are who take online surveys. "According to the pop-jury surveyed by Clickbait Consultants, Americans are greatly concerned that Kanye West was not elected secretary general of the United Nations." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) /(Nothing-ness + rock-and-roll) / Nothing-and-roll: A sandwich in the All-Gluten Diet. (Mark Raffman) /(sex-ed + Got- terdämmerung)/ Sex-terdämmerung:* Weinergate. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) (pre-occupation + re-morse) Premorse: Feeling bad about something you haven't even done — yet. (Lawrence McGuire) *And last: /(toilet-paper + enter-tainment) / Toilet-tainment:* The Style Invitational. (Duncan Stevens) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 7: Our contest for "questions for terrible people." See bit.ly/invite1199 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1201, published November 13, 2016 The Washington Post Quip on the draw: The Style Invitational's winning cartoon captions Plus new for Week 1201: See what you NOVE in our Tour de Fours neologism contest By Pat Myers Entertainment November 10(Click here to skip down to this week's new neologism contest, the annual Tour de Fours) REPORT FROM WEEK 1197: In Week 1197 we asked for captions for any of these Bob Staake cartoons. Remember, the entry deadline was well before Election Day. Whoever it was who described the woman in Picture 4 as Melania Trump . . . wha? 4th place /Picture 2: /Everyone said Crocs weren't very stylish but comfortable to wear; Frank's experience, though, was exactly the opposite. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) 3rd place /Picture 3: /"Oh, crap. I hate backing out of parking spaces." (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) No, the milk doesn't come out the udder tucked under this ceramic mug, this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) 2nd place and the faux- 'primitive' surfer figurine: /Picture 1: / //Although pleased with his ice cream cone head and drumstick ears, Buffet the Clown was less sure about the haggis nose. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /Picture 4:/ "Grab them by the uvula. You can do anything you want when you're famous." (Steven Steele Cawman, Poughquag, N.Y.) Art depreciation: honorable mentions (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) *PICTURE 1 "I'm not breaking up with you; I'd just like to see other faces." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Donald Trump Jr. wonders about letting in just one Skittle. (Ralph Nitkin, Rockville, Md.) "Mama always said that if I didn't quit playing with it, it was gonna fall off." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Bobo wonders if the five-second rule applies to body parts. (Chuck Salerno, Chelmsford, Mass., a First Offender; Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) A big blob of blood comes out of Donald's wherever after an alley meeting with Megyn. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Medieval court jesters were often required to spite their faces. (Art Grinath) When Blinky was expelled from Klown Kollege, he just went to pieces. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Bubbles wondered how the nine circus clowns would fit inside the Mini-Beetle. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Fredo's balloon animal poops weren't the hit he'd imagined. (Cindi Rae Caron, Blowing Rock, N.C.) Mike knows he shouldn't pick someone else's nose, but when in need ... (Roger Dalrymple) Even for a clown, it's no laughing matter when your prostate falls out. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) The end of Coco's career found him working at a tiny one-ring circus. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) *PICTURE 2* "I'm a litigator, not a crocodile!" (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) "I suppose your mother told you she was a bit wild back in college?" "Um, yeah. Nice to finally meet you, Dad." (Hildy Zampella) The two attorneys were naturally drawn to pro boscis cases. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) The IRS's newest investigator decides to poke his nose in the Caimans. (Doug Frank) "If you think it's such a hostile takeover, why don't you walk?" (Dan Kinney, Charlottesville) The new Grand Floridian Resort gateway arch was designed by Stephan Pastis. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Jim didn't quite understand when he heard that gaiters were coming back into vogue. (Larry Gray) Ambulance Chaser's Success Tip No. 4: The pre-meeting breath check. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) "Bob mistakenly thought the "alligator, briefcase" listing was for an alligator briefcase. (John Hutchins) (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) *PICTURE 3* NASA soon gave up on planning April 1 launches. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) The order to "aim rockets at China" appeared to have been misinterpreted. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) "My ex-wife was right — I /am / going straight to Hell!" (Michele Uhler, Fort Washington, Md.) Ever vigilant, Capt. Wilbur detected that someone had mounted the rocket's flag upside down. (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.; Warren Tanabe; Dave Prevar) Cash-strapped NASA begins drilling for oil. (John Hutchins) "Your software update is complete." (Roger Strauss, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) Biff still wasn't convinced that an expedition to the sun was a good idea, even if done at night and backward. (Frank Osen) Those literal-minded engineers misinterpreted NASA's "Back to the Moon" program. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) "When I said, 'We've got to turn this program around,' I didn't mean this." (Jack Turner, Milford, Del.) "Liftoff in T minus 3, 4, 5 . . ." (Nick Semanko, Washington, a First Offender; Warren Tanabe) NASA's reverse-engineering effort seemed fraught with confusion. (Howard Walderman, Columbia) There's a difference between "moon rocket" and "moon, rocket." (Kevin Dopart) (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) *PICTURE 4* Even at age 67, Gene Simmons still has groupies. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Hills, Md.) "What do you mean your tapeworm doesn't like my lasagna?" (Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring, Md.) Margie caught the linguine thief right in the act. (Roger Dalrymple) If your wife tells you to watch your tongue, NEVER sass back, "Just how can you do that?" (Dave Prevar) Problem: Foulmouthed politician. Solution: Soap on a rope. (Ben Aronin, Washington) "I told you that was no way to get rid of a sex tape!" (Jennifer Dickey) "I love you, Harold, but it's high time you got one of those self-starting brains." (Nathanael Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass.) (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post ) *ALL FOUR PICTURES * *It's always awkward asking someone to dance. (Art Grinath) *Still running — deadline Monday, Nov. 14: Our contest for wry "Devil's Dictionary" definitions. See bit.ly/invite1200 . And this week's new contest: WEEK 1201: TOUR DE FOURS XIII — WHAT'S THERE TO NOVE? *NEVO*LUTION: The science-denier's theory of human development. L*OVE-N*UMB: Suffering the results of extended lip-lock. It's a neologism contest that the Empress has run in each year of her sorry regime celebrated reign, each time with a different set of four letters: Coin a word or multi-word term that contains the letter block N-O-V-E (hey, it's November) and describe it, as in the examples above; the letters may be in any order, but there may be no other letters between them (you may insert a space or hyphen).* Feel free to use it in a funny sentence, especially since several other people might coin the same word you did, and the funniest description is going to get the ink. *Submit entries at the website bit.ly/enter-invite-1201 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this purebred Holstein black and white ceramic mug with a little pink ceramic udder between its little mug-legs. Donated by Loser Every Year Since Year 1 Elden Carnahan, who thought he might have won it in the Invite way back when, but we don't think he can pin this one on us. *Other runners-up win their choice of the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 21; results published Dec. 11 (online Dec. 8). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter Week 1201, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . ====================================================================== WEEK 1202, published November 20, 2016 The Washington Post Style Invitational Week 1202: Don't be afraid of the dark — a song parody contest Give us a song about hope — we need it. Plus the "plain English" winners. Two days before the election, the Empress went to see the musical "Carousel" at Arena Stage. It's a top-notch production by any measure, but since Nov. 8, emotions must be exploding inside the D.C. theater, onstage and off, as voices and orchestra swell in Rodgers and Hammerstein's majestic finale, "You'll Never Walk Alone": "Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain, though your dreams be tossed and blown." This week: Write lyrics to a song that, in some way, express hope;* set them to a well-known tune. You don't have to be sappy; you may even be cynical(you know us). But the theme: hope. Just stick up your chin and grin — at least we'll have something to sing in four weeks while we're scrubbing off the graffiti. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1202 . Feel free to include a link to an audio or video clip to the tune you're using. Or you can even make your own recording. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives something a lot of people would like to get their hands on right now: this fabulously squishy, gel-filled Stress Man squeezy thing. It's labeled "boss." Donated — some time back — by Dave Prevar. This week's second prize: the wonderfully satisfying Stress Man. Interested? (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) ** *Other runners-up win their choice of the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 5 (you have an extra week!); results published Dec. 18 (online Dec. 21). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest (really, I bet someone out there will send me 25 songs this week). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The "Transquiptions" headline is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially for song parody guidance this week, check it out at bit.ly/conv-1202 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *TRANSQUIPTIONS: WINNING 'PLAIN ENGLISH' TRANSLATIONS FROM WEEK 1198* In Week 1198 we asked readers to find a sentence in that's week's Post or another newspaper and to translate it into "plain English," free of spin, obfuscation or just plain lying. Some entrants' translations snarkily assumed an election outcome other than the one that occurred; to those Losers, I hope that being robbed of ink is the biggest thing you have to be upset about all week. 4th place: "Kaine said there's nothing in his life or emails he'd be 'overly embarrassed about' and said he's determined not to be distracted." /Translation:/ Kaine admits having no life. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) 3rd place: /From a classified ad: /"Oil Painting: Man and Camel — $110 Original, in beautiful gold frame." /Translation:/ "I don't know how to use Craigslist." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place /and the Hillary Laughing Pen : / "How does one face the absurdity of existence in a cold, indifferent universe, where time's arrow points inexorably toward death and the only certainties are loss and sorrow?" /Translation:/ What do you mean you're out of the pumpkin spice ones?!!" (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /On China's plan to rate its citizens: / "Imagine a world where an authoritarian government monitors everything you do, amasses huge amounts of data on almost every interaction you make, and awards you a single score that measures how "trustworthy" you are." /Translation: /"Imagine how you got your own credit rating." (Kevin Dopart) Tossed in translation: honorable mentions /From a job posting: /"Capable of crafting and executing an organized sales plan." /Translation:/ "Willing to cheat your own grandmother." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) /A Nobel Prize committee member about Bob Dylan's refusal to acknowledge receiving the literature award: /"One can say that it is impolite and arrogant." /Translation: / "What a douche." (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) /Nationals General Manager Mike Rizzo: /"We can go in a lot of different directions to improve our ballclub." /Translation: /"We have absolutely no clue how to improve our ballclub." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) "Scientists say that the Ross Sea has hardly been touched by humans and as such is a perfect laboratory." /Translation:/"Hey, look! Nobody's ever touched this stuff! Let's touch it!" (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) /Horoscope:/ "You have a hobby you love, so make it okay to dedicate some hours to this pastime." /Translation: /"Enjoy that Internet porn!" (Mark Raffman, on travel in Vietnam) "After one of the most egregious cases of domestic violence among National Football League players two years ago . . . the league vowed a not-again, get-tough approach." /Translation:/ ". . . the league vowed to not, again, get tough." (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) /FBI Director James Comey:/ "Given that we don't know the significance of this newly discovered collection of emails, I don't want to create a misleading impression." /Translation:/ "Even though that's what I'm obviously doing." (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.; William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) "Here's an important rule to remember: If you ever find yourself in Antarctica near the Mount Erebus lava lake, don't take your eyes off it." /Translation:/"Here's an important rule to remember: Nature documentarians enjoy humblebragging." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) "U.S. officials, speaking on the condition of anonymity to discuss an operation that has not been acknowledged, said the drones being flown out of Tunisia . . ." /Translation:/ The Pentagon announced that it is flying drones out of Tunisia. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) /Metro General Manager Paul Wiedefeld on planning SafeTrack: /"In a perfect world, you would study it for a year and come up with this." /Translation:/ "We brought the Metro map to happy hour and threw darts at it over a couple of Coronas." (Hildy Zampella) "0% Interest for 4 Years on All Products" /Translation:/ "We've seen 0% interest in our products for the past 4 years" (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) "I love Florida, this is my second home." /Translation:/ "I wouldn't be caught dead here in the summer." (Florida native Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) "Are you an expert-level Help Desk professional who is passionate about leading highly effective teams to support more than 5,000 users?" / Translation:/ "Are you looking to avoid any life outside of work?" (Jon Gearhart) "Lyft Inc. co-founder and President John Zimmer denied reports the ride-sharing firm is for sale and said it has more than doubled its ridership in the U.S. since late last year, with 17 million rides in October." /Translation:/ "Lyft Inc. is for sale." (Francis Canavan, Reston, Va.) "Do you need more storage space?" /Translation: /"Do you have too much crap?" (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) ". . . is pleased to offer third party financing plans to meet every lifestyle and budget." /Translation:** /". . . especially the Crippling Debt lifestyle and budget." (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) /Horoscope: / "Your excitement over an upcoming event is truly half the fun." /Translation: / The event will be truly half-fun. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) /An article quoting President Obama's last State of the Union address: /"It's one of the few regrets of my presidency that rancor and suspicion between the parties has gotten worse instead of better." /Translation: / "Hey!! Who threw that? (Hildy Zampella) "According to the European Space Agency, radio signals from the ExoMars Schiaparelli lander that were picked up by an Earth telescope and a Mars orbiter suggest that Schiaparelli performed most of its six-minute descent maneuver according to plan." /Translation: / "Mars now has a new crater." (Jeff Contompasis) "Such a nasty woman!" /Translation:/ "Touché." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) /And Last:/ "So instead of crying over all their near misses, maybe Washington sports fans should enjoy their teams that are very good." /Translation: / "The Style Invitational Losers, bringing you the finest in poop jokes since 1993. " (Jeff Contompasis) /And Even Laster:** /"In a recent Style Invitational, one reader went so far as to offer a new definition of autumn: 'The time of year when one gets a queasy feeling that one's first-place team will yet again go down to ignominious defeat.' " /Translation:/ Who cares what they meant! The Invite got quoted in the sports section! (Danielle Nowlin; quote was about Nan Reiner's Week 1194 runner-up) ====================================================================== WEEK 1203, published November 27, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1203: You've got the powers What would you do if you had X-ray vision (or 5 other powers); plus winning 'questions for terrible people'(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment November 23 (Click here to skip down to the winning "questions for terrible people") * — Shape-shifting — X-ray vision — Become many times as large as you are — Become many times as small as you are — Having supersonic speed — Imperviousness to heat or cold Here's a contest we've done only once before — 19 years ago. The Empress was reminded of that one recently by Loser Christina Courtney, who happened to have won it. Back then, the E's predecessor, the Czar, asked what you would do if you had power of invisibility, ability to breathe fire, etc. This week: Tell what you would do if you had one or more of the six magical powers listed above. Your scenario may run as long as 50 words or it can be much shorter. For inspiration, see the results of Week 258 (March 1998) in this week's Style Conversational column at bit.ly/conv-1203 , published late Wednesday, Nov. 23. Happy faces are so Pre-November: Really, you think you have a chance to win this shirt? (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1203 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fine T-shirt with the legend "Pessimism: It's Probably Not That Great." Donated by Probably Great Loser Jon Gearhart, and modeled here unhopefully by Valerie Holt. *Other runners-up win their choice of the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 5; results published Dec. 25, if you're not naughty (online Dec. 22). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Whichcraft" for this week's results was suggested by both Tom Witte and Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jon Gearhart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *WHICHCRAFT: THE 'QUESTIONS FOR TERRIBLE PEOPLE' FROM WEEK 1199* In*Week 1999 we asked you to pose "Questions for Terrible People,*" like those in a new book by comedian Wes Hazard — basically a way to demonstrate what a bad person you are. Of course, we were also looking for questions that were funny, and so some of the inking entries ended up ranging wider than such demonstrative badness-taggers as "When you feel resentful of high-performing co-workers, do you fantasize about them dying or getting arrested?" 4th place: *It's a rainy day downtown and you're about to lose a cab to a woman, half your age, in skinny jeans, a fur coat and spike heels, racing past you. Do you grab the back of your leg, feigning a pulled hamstring, or do you "accidentally" hip-check her to the ground? (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) 3rd place: *Should Metro's board meeting be held on a windy aboveground platform in January, or in a subway car with the AC broken in July? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place and the toilet paper roller that plays Trump's voice: *Would you rather be stranded on Mars* with nothing to eat but potatoes, or remain on Earth forced to follow a strict no-carb diet? (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Would you rather be on the wrong side of a wall, or on the wrong side of history?* (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Lesser evils: honorable mentions *You've been asked to leave the choir because, frankly, you're tone-deaf. Do you tell people that you quit over creative differences or because of the group's mediocrity? (John McCooey) *Have you ever hoped your kid's team would fail* to make the playoffs so you could have your weekends back again? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *On a transpacific flight, would you rather sit* in front of a shrieking toddler who kicks your seat at odd intervals, or between two flatulent sumo wrestlers who argue loudly in Japanese? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Would you rather be trapped in an elevator with an excessively amorous porcupine or have a Trump-Clinton rematch in four years? (Todd DeLap, Fairfax) *Would you rather be unable to scratch an itch* or unable to see what is wiggling in the bottom of your sleeping bag? (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) *My teenager is consistently surly and rude,* and says he wishes I weren't his mother. Would putting him up for adoption be considered rewarding bad behavior? (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *For one year, your TV will only show one thing. Will it be a PBS pledge drive or reruns of "The Apprentice"? (Todd DeLap) *Have you ever faked reaching for the "Door Open" button* on the elevator only to "fail" to make it work in time? (Jeff Contompasis) *If you could only choose one absurd exaggeration,* would you say you are the least racist person in the world or the most respectful of women? (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Foodies: you can either save one child from starvation,* or be able to eat as much pizza and pasta as you want and never gain weight. (Think about that "" it'd be like a lifelong pasta party!) (Annie Sawamura, Rochester, N.Y., a First Offender) *Would you rather make lifesaving drugs available* to people at an affordable price, or make that second billion for yourself? Oh, sorry, I guess that's too easy. — M. Shkreli (Duncan Stevens) *Would you rather be Florence Foster Jenkins* or her accompanist? (Steve Honley, Washington) *You're a man and your house is haunted. Would you rather have your mother's ghost watching /everything/ you do, or your father's ghost, always crying out, "That's not how a man does it; be a man!" (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *For your Monday morning business meeting,* would you rather have accidentally downed an Oxycodone or a Viagra? (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.) *Would you rather have Donald Trump's hair* or Donald Trump's skin tone? (Jesse Frankovich) *For a full minute, would you rather listen to a rant by someone with an opposite political view, or repeatedly smash your head on your desk? (Note: you are not allowed to do both.) (Jeff Contompasis) *In a bargain with Satan, the funny anecdote you submitted to Reader's Digest in 1982* will finally be published, but for the rest of your life you must shout out incorrect "Jeopardy!" answers at TV screens in airport bars. (Sandy Moran, Santa Rosa, Calif.) *Instagram Introspection: You're* posting a picture from the weekend of you and your friend.* Do you choose the pre-drinking one where you have a slight double chin, or the one from later where you look excellent but your best friend has spilled beer on her shirt and looks like she's lactating? (Annie Sawamura) *Would you accept an offer to become a movie star* even if you knew you would never get another role? What if the movie were "Jackass 3"? (Duncan Stevens) *A genie gives you one wish! However, he says that if he can't grant the wish, he'll do the opposite. What do you wish for (besides a different genie)? (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *If you were trapped in a desert with your worst enemy* and you had a canteen with just enough water for only one of you to survive, would you silently drink the water by yourself, out of sight, or would you do so in his face while taunting him with your decision? (Robert Schechter) *Would you rather watch the "Yanni at the Acropolis" videocassette *twice in three days with your mother, or attend a book club meeting at Red Lobster with that same mother, at which the novel being discussed is "50 Shades of Grey" — but there are bottomless baskets of cheesy biscuits? (Sandy Moran) *If you could have dinner* with either Hillary or Donald, why would you? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *And Last: Would you make a crude joke at someone else's expense if you had an outside shot at winning a 21-cent refrigerator magnet? (Jesse Frankovich) *Still running — deadline also Dec. 5: Our contest for song parodies that express /some/ kind of hope. See bit.ly/invite1202 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1204, published December 4, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1204: At least ... Comfort (or 'comfort') a Never-Trumper with a silver lining; plus winning cynical definitions(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment December 1 (Click here to skip down to the winning 12-word "Devil's Dictionary"-style entries) *— Melania won't be nagging you to eat your vegetables.* *— The "Hamilton" cast won't have to come all the way down to the White House Blue Room anymore. *— The Trump Library won't take up very much space. *— There's at least a chance we won't keep hearing about her damn emails.* If you win, you get Abraham Lincoln. If you finish second, you get him. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) REPORT FROM WEEK 1202: In Week 1202 we asked for song parodies that expressed some kind of hope. If you've been in a funk since Nov. 8 but aren't the lyrical type (or even if you are) — or if you /are / happy with the election results but would like to buck up a funk-dweller: Note some good news for the coming year to comfort — or "comfort" — those who are depressed about the change of presidential administration. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1204 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a hefty-feeling eight-inch-tall Donald Trump bobblehead from RoyalBobbles.com, the same company that sold us our extremely limited edition (just 19 left!) Bobble-Linc. It's a pretty good if too svelte likeness of the president-elect except for the uncharacteristic closed mouth (and single chin). Donated by Loser Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win their choice of the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 12; results published Jan. 1 (online Dec. 29). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Maledictionary" was suggested by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jon Gearhart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *MALEDICTIONARY: THE CYNICAL DEFINITIONS FROM WEEK 1200* Flailing around in search of /some/ tie-in for Week 1200, the Empress trotted out a recurring contest in which we ask for wry, cynical "Devil's Dictionary"-type definitions of words or expressions; the catch was that the term plus the definition had to consist of exactly 12 words (two words connected with a hyphen counted as two). 4th place *Mythology:* Religions no one will get angry that you call mythology anymore. (Daniel Galef, Montclair, N.J.) 3rd place *A nail-biter:* The first 30 seconds of a Cleveland Browns game. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) 2nd place and the ski mask with curly tentacles under the eyeholes : *Promises:* These need to be made frequently, since they don't keep well. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Sex: Something to do during the lame sketches on "Saturday Night Live." (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) The twelves of nether: honorable mentions *"Eat your vegetables": Phrase uttered before finding spinach dangling from dog's mouth. (Hildy Zampella) *Hands:* In a severed country, the man with tiny ones is king. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Negligee:* Sleepwear for times you expect to neither sleep nor wear it. (Kevin Dopart) *Reality TV:* How people genuinely act while performing scripted stunts on camera. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Telephone:* A retro app that some people actually use on their phones. (Daniel Galef) *Hoi polloi:* If you have to ask, you're surely one of them. (Cindi Rae Caron, Blowing Rock, N.C.) *"Believe me":* A lie has just been told, or shortly will be. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *"Make America great again":* Fill in the blank with your chosen prejudice. (William Kennard, Arlington) *"With all due respect":* "Prepare, as I snort in your general direction." (Gigi Thompson Jarvis, McLean, Va., a First Offender) *"My bad":* "I'm scoring points by flippantly admitting that I messed up." (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *"Locker room talk": A terrible defense used to cover a terrible offense. (Jesse Frankovich) *"Use at own risk":* "Legal team made us write this. Have fun!"(Nathanael Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass.) *Ego trip: The belief that people worship the water you walk on. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Bar:* A place characterized by raising of glasses and lowering of morals. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Good old days: When we could afford two spaces after a period. (Mary Kappus, Washington) ** Bridgegate:* The story of how clogged arteries caused a fat politician's demise. (Dave Airozo) *Buyer's remorse: Coming to a neighborhood near you on January twenty-first. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *Cialis:* You want something to happen? Get in the same bathtub, dummy! (Hildy Zampella) *"Drain the swamp":* Get rid of those who don't look like you. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Cubs:* A team that has managed to disappoint its most masochistic fans. (Gary Crockett) *Dieter: Someone who counts the calories in what everyone else is eating. (Chris Doyle) *Diplomacy:* The art and practice of committing international extortion without obvious hostility. (Kevin Dopart) *Election:* A quadrennial event that one is tempted to elect to shun. (Douglas Raybeck, Amherst, Mass.) *Electoral college: Designed over 200 years ago specifically to defeat your candidate. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) *Empty-nesters:* Parents who fear their chickens may come home to roost. (Chris Doyle) *Exercise bike:* An oddly shaped coat rack usually found in basement corners. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Fine print at the bottom: An anagram of "Often the important bit." (Jesse Frankovich) *Grace: The ability to wish a scoundrel well while gritting your teeth. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Mike Pence:* A politician who willingly hitched his wagon to a tsar. (Kevin Dopart) *Pollster:* An oracle who has swapped entrails for numbers, with similar accuracy. (James W. Hertsch III, Fairfax) *Roller coaster:* A carnival ride to help you relax after the election. (Mary Kappus) *Sinkhole:* When God decides a vacation home in Florida needs a basement. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Subway:* Mass transit technology that is rumored to work in other cities. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Supermoon:* No prettier than other hardworking moons, but better lit and publicized. (Melissa Balmain) *Tim Kaine:* Someone whose favorite expression is "Don't quit your day job." (Hildy Zampella) *Tootsie Roll:* Food that, when chewed, helpfully removes old, worn-out fillings. (Duncan Stevens) *Understudy:* An actor who /means /"break a leg" when he says it. (Kevin Dopart) *Veterinarian:* A sort of magician who pulls things out of a rabbit. (Daniel Galef) *Voter:* One who studiously gathers all available misinformation about candidates for office. (Duncan Stevens) *Voters:* People with their middle fingers on the pols of the nation. (Chris Doyle) *Loser:* A person who succeeds at a pursuit you deem insufficiently worthwhile. (Tom Witte) *Style Invitational:* Contest used to prove who has the most free time. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 5: two simultaneous contests! *Week 1202,* song parodies containing some lyrics about hope: bit.ly/invite1202 *Week 1203,* what you would do with any of several magical powers: bit.ly/invite1203 ====================================================================== WEEK 1205, published December 11, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1205: Here, at least, you can take a do-over Enter any of the past year's contests; plus winning Tour de Fours neologisms Can you come up with a food pun as funny as Jon Gearhart's "Phlegm in Meringue Pie"? Give it (or any of 50 other previous contests) a go. (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment December 8(Click here to skip down to the winning Tour de Fours neologisms) /"ƒ"ƒThe winner of Week 1173, food puns:/ Phlegm in meringue pie: What you get when you're nasty to your waitress.* (Jon Gearhart) /Winner of Week 1162, Onion-style headlines:/ ISIS Now Offering Tote Bag With 5-Year Membership (Neal Starkman) /Winner of Week 1161, bogus trivia about politicians:/ To add some levity to his second inauguration, President Clinton added "in bed" under his breath to the phrases he repeated taking the oath of office.* (Jeff Shirley) At least with The Style Invitational, if you really screwed it up the first time, you can try it again without having to wait till 2020: Our annual retrospective contest lets you enter one or more contests from the past year. Not surprisingly, the Empress is overrun each year with worthy entries spanning the scope of some 50 contests, and so this year, for the first time, you get /two /chances: "This text has no other purpose than to terrify those who are afraid of the Arabic language." (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *This week AND next week: Enter (or re-enter) any Style Invitational contest from Week 1149 to 1201, except for Week 1152, last year's do-over contest. (Next week you can also try Week 1202.) You may enter more than one contest as long as you don't submit more than 25 entries in all. For contests asking you to use that week's paper, use papers and online articles dated Dec. 8-19. For the obit poems, continue to write about people who died in 2015. Yes, you may resubmit non-inking entries from earlier contests. *How to find all these contests: *Go to **washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational* and click on each contest (click on View More if you stop seeing contests). See this week's Style Conversational column for other options. And be sure to check the results of that week's contest (usually four weeks later) to make sure your idea didn't already get ink. Be sure to give the week number of the contest you're using. ** Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1205 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this fantastic tote bag ,* donated by Loser Barbara Turner. The Arabic description translates as "This text has no other purpose than to terrify those who are afraid of the Arabic language." *Other runners-up win their choice of the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 19; results published Jan. 8 (online Jan. 5). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Beverley Sharp; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *JEST FOUR FUN: THE WINNING 'TOUR DE FOURS' NEOLOGISMS* Week 1201* was our annual Tour de Fours neologism contest, in which you coin a new term that includes a block of four given letters — this week, *OVEN* — in any order, but with no other letters between them. Many in the Greater Loser Community found ways to lament the events of this past *NOVE*mber. 4th place *Menevolent: Beneficial only to the male half of the population. "Our boss is positively menevolent with the arctic thermostat settings in the office." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 3rd place *Wonton Eve:* Traditional night before Christmas for Jewish families. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) 2nd place and the cow-spotted ceramic mug with an udder: *Venommmm:* Something you know is very bad for you but tastes oh so very good. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Havenous:* Desperate for more and more acquisitions. "Vicky's still shopping — we went by Tiffany's and she got all havenous." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Fair ENOV: honorable mentions *Nov-embers: What's left of many people's hope after the election. (Andy Promisel, Fairfax, Va.) *Intravenous de Milo:* Tragic victim of Greece's first blood drive. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Supine ova: How biologists order eggs sunny side up. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *RefuseToMoveOn.org:* Perhaps a better name for the sender of those recount petitions. (Annette Green, Lexington, Va.) *L'oven spoonful:* That last bite of raw dough before you bake the cookies. (Cindi Rae Caron, Blowing Rock, N.C.) *Un-evolve:* Who'd have thought that mankind would start to do this? (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Neo-vent: The "new one" that some people threaten to tear. (Tom Witte) *Heave-Not: A member of Bulimics Anonymous. (Chris Doyle) *"On, venison!": Santa's cry that left the reindeer team on edge. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Heaven on Deck:* Purgatory. (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.) *Beano Evil:* The fourth wise monkey, depicted with his hands over his rear end. (Chris Doyle) *Big Apple Turnover:* The requisite chaos whenever our new president comes home for the weekend. (Nathanael Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass.) *Cup o' Venom:* Instant lunch at the Breitbart cafeteria. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) /*Everyone v. Donald J. Trump:* / Future class action? (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Evonka Holdings: Suspiciously named firm designated to manage the "blind trust." (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) *IV-oenophile:* An extreme wine lover. (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.) *Oenovile:* A connoisseur of Ripple. (Chris Doyle) *Molotov enema:* When a gentle laxative just isn't doing the trick. (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) *No-Environment:* The mission of the next EPA chief? (William Joyner, Chapel Hill, N.C.) *Novellatweet:* All 140 characters. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Ovenator:* Me during menopause (according to my husband). (Cindi Rae Caron) *#HaveNoShame:* Hashtag appropriated daily by the next administration. (William Joyner) *Vote, then vomit: Exorcise your franchise! (Dudley Thompson) *Slovenial: Type of pardonable sin, such as posing in the nude, working without the right visa, etc. (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) *Pornoverse:* A huge enterprise that would be nothing without the big bang. (Jesse Frankovich) *Ten over: What comes right before "You're fired" in a message from Donald's divorce lawyer. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *Venomenon: A prodigy at nastiness. "Little Donnie has already cursed out all the other kindergartners — and the teacher, too." (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) /And Last: / Neovite: A Style Invitational First Offender. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio; Kevin Dopart, Washington; Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 12: Our contest for "silver linings" to comfort (or "comfort") someone who's less than thrilled about last month's election results. See bit.ly/invite-1204. ====================================================================== WEEK 1206, published December 18, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1206: Do over the do-over — enter any of the year's contests Plus winning song parodies that have some (not always very sincere) lyrics of hope DCayed: Having served in federal office too long. (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment December 15 at 12:03 PM(Click here to skip down to this week's winning song parodies) /Winner of Week 1175, to coin a word whose letters add up to 13 points in Scrabble: / DCayed: Having served in federal office too long.* (Duncan Stevens) /Winner of Week 1163, to spell a word backward and define the result: / *QARI: A deep hole the government throws billions into. (Ellen Ryan) /Week 1170, to "breed" two horses nominated for this year's Kentucky Derby and name their "foal": / Perfect Saint x Caribbean = Francis Of A C Sea (Danielle Nowlin) This Trump Winery glass -- direct from the winery in Virginia -- is also useful for drinking Kool-Aid. This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) Last week the Empress announced her annual retrospective contest, for those who missed out on (or felt robbed in) any of the previous year's contests (plus a couple). This week: the very same thing — hey, we have 53 contests to cover, and maybe you've been a tad busy at this time of year: Enter (or re-enter) any Style Invitational contest from Week 1149 to 1202, except for Week 1152, last year's do-over contest.* You may enter more than one contest as long as you don't submit more than 25 entries in all. For contests asking you to use that week's paper, use papers and online articles dated Dec. 15-26. For the obit poems, continue to write about people who died in 2015. Yes, you may resubmit non-inking entries from earlier contests. * How to find all these contests:* Go to *washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational and click on each contest (click on View More if you stop seeing contests). See this week's Style Conversational column (published late Dec. 15) for another method. And be sure to check the results of that week's contest (usually four weeks later) to make sure your idea didn't already get ink. Be sure to give the week number of the contest you're using. * Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1206 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a genuine wineglass with the Trump Vineyards logo — just in time for the Inauguration. Toast to the new regime, smash it into the fire, we don't care. Donated by The Post's Patricia Howard. *Other runners-up win the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 26; results published Jan. 15 (online Jan. 12). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter, see wapo.st/styleconv . And the winners of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . . *GRIN PAN ALLEY: HOPEFUL (OR 'HOPEFUL') SONGS Four weeks ago, in Week 1202, the Empress put out a rather desperate call for songs that conveyed some sense of hope. But even in the daze of her post-election state, she was clear-eyed enough to realize she wouldn't mind at least some less-than-noble hoping in the lyrics. Click on the links in the titles below for clips of the original songs, so you can listen to the melodies as you read the parody lyrics. 4th place: *To "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend": A gift in their names could be so consequential — Planned Parenthood has two new friends! Black lives, gays or dames? Something environmental? Or the Bill of Rights? Help ACLU win its fights. They'll feel swell at ADL When they count up the dollars and cents. The liberal nation can make its donation In the names of Trump and Pence! (Jane Pacelli, Annandale, Va.) 3rd place: *To"Be Our Guest": Be not stressed! Be not stressed! Recent setbacks? Just a test! In the long run we'll recover, Even stronger as we're pressed. This guy Trump? Sure, he's bad, But there's reason to be glad, As a racist and a bigot, He will open up the spigot And our ranks will be swelled, For the values that we've held, In the end our cause is surely being blessed! So let's not call it crisis Over here in ISIS — Be not stressed! Be not stressed! Be not stressed! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the man-shaped stress squeezer: *To "The Morning After" :* We're sailing off to new adventures, Our Captain's tacking to the right, So many folks sign on to join us, So many different shades of white! Let's show the world that we mean business, Stand up, Americans, be proud! And while you're up, go close our borders, Who needs that scary foreign crowd? Once we were great, now we're just middlin', Each day brings new threats and scares. Cut the tax rate! Profits are piddlin', Let's help our poor billionaires. This country will grow strong and prosper, Things will get better year by year. But just to keep us on the safe side, We'll double up on our meds, Then we'll start hoarding booze and beer! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *To "Smile": *Smile, though you're stunned and stumbling. Smile, though your tummy's tumbling. Though there's a louse in our president's house, You can smile through the nutty raving, The puerile misbehaving. This horror could be for the best. Who guessed . . . That the Neanderthal'd win? But, just like Alec Baldwin, We'll squeeze the sweet out of each Orange Tweet. Though the future could not be odder, Think of the Loser fodder! The Trumps will breed a bounteous pile . . . So let's just smile. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) Nigh hopes: honorable mentions *To "YMCA": Oh, man, don't be down in the dumps Though you know, man, that the White House is Trump's. It may blow, man, to feel like you've been schlonged But it won't last all that long and . . . Hey, girl. things will turn out all right; There's a way, girl, if you're old, male and white And if you're not, you can still dry those tears 'Cause he's only here for four years. . . We'll vote again when it's 2-0-2-0, Bring someone new in when it's 2-0-2-0. So don't whine and moan, put aside all that bull 'Cause our glass is always half full . . . No fears, there's no need to feel sick, We did eight years led by W and Dick, And those hard times are a thing of the past Cause this nation was built to last ... One term, it's the blink of an eye, And Ruth Ginsburg is still peppy and spry And the Congress can stay gridlocked and slow| With Chuck Schumer there to say no.... We'll vote again when it's 2-0-2-0, Bring someone new in when it's 2-0-2-0 So we'll make it through if we hope for the best And let Xanax handle the rest ... (Brad Kelly, Bethesda, Md., whose last Invite ink was in 1998) *To"Be Our Guest": There'll be mess! There'll be mess! My prediction — just a guess — Is that this administration will malfunction under stress. Ethics fails, petty feuds, Donald's grudges, whims and moods Will derail the Trump agenda, send Hair Fuhrer on a benda, Hard to make this land "great" with a gang that can't shoot straight And a leader who'll antagonize the press; There'll be no time for plund'ring when there's so much blund'ring; There'll be mess! There'll be mess! There'll be mess! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *To "Tonight" from "West Side Story":* Election Day! The thrill that went away! We saw our world collapsing by 9. And yet, we stay, though Canada might say, "Come and join us and you will be fine." We'll try to hide the brimming tears, and wait through four more years And hope that we're okay. Perhaps he'll try to be a better guy, anyway. Let's pray! We mourn, alas, this thing that's come to pass And wonder what our new world may hold. As panic grows, we strike a yoga pose While we're watching our future unfold. Before we take an angry stance now, let's give the man a chance now To bring a better day: He may not fail; calm voices will prevail. come what may — Let's pray! (Rhoda Feigenbaum, Oakton, Va., a First Offender) *To "Wouldn't It Be Loverly?" There's Christmas bells resounding loudly through the wintry mix, hmmm... But this November fallout leaves us in an awful fix, hmmm... Debaters call each other Communists and Bolsheviks, hmm-mm-mm-mm... Santa, save our politics! All we want is to stop this screed, Someone else has to intercede. One man is all we need, Please, Santa, save our politics! Democrats and the GOP Split so far that they can't agree. He'll bridge the boundary, Yes, Santa save our politics! Though no citizenship for Santa's been established yet, Check his stomach — how much more American can you get? Tell your children across the land We'll be soon standing hand in hand; The whole U.S. is grand When Santa leads our politics! (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *To "When You Wish Upon a Star" : Hillary's an also-ran, Poleaxed by that awful man. Seems the country's in the can, But don't be blue. Though you're of the loathed elite, Condescending and effete, Life can once again be sweet For folks like you. This morass, soon, it will surely pass. A guy with so much gas Can't help exploding. When events have thus conspired, And the people roar, "You're fired!" Wrong, reviled and retired, He'll fade from view. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) *To "For Me and My Gal" :* I'm apprehensive ... for me and my land. My fear's extensive for me and my land. Our next president's showing He is vulgar, unknowing, And the danger is growing; Flames of hatred are fanned. But there's an answer: The answer is us. We'll cure the cancer — just get on the bus, And someday the tide is going to turn, and things will turn out grand, With new hope for me and my land. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *To "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley Don't worry about a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all white, Singin' don't worry about a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be alt-right ... Woke up this mornin', Look what the voters done! Flipping the birdie from our doorstep! Pollsters were wrong, Now smug elites sure can stew ... This is our message to you-oo-oo! ... — D.Duke, Metairie, La. (Mark Raffman) *To "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" : It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas In twenty-thirty-one, We can spend the day at the shore, The temperature's 84 With palm trees gently swaying 'neath the sun! It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas Joy in every soul, 'Tis the season of hope and cheer Since climate change came here To this warm South Pole. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *To "Silver Bells" Facebook timelines, countless meme Vines, Stressed with horrible bile. In the air there's a scent: Armageddon. Trump's in power from his Tower, KKK leaders smile, But down deep in our hearts we still hear ... Give 'em hell! Give 'em hell! It's payback time in our country. Stand and fight! It's our right! No one can take that away. Stupid tweeties, bad graffitis, Boy, those hotheads are mean, As transition teams fill up with bigots. Hear the new buzz, what the talk was On John Oliver's screen, And it's time for the people to cheer. "¦(J. Calvin Smith, Ranger, Ga.) *To "Over the Rainbow" : Somewhere out on the Beltway, 'round D.C., Lines of cars at a standstill, and, at the end, there's me. Somewhere out on the Beltway, tempers flare, And I dream of a place that's anywhere else but there. I curse the hours I have lost, The toxic fumes from your exhaust, the honkers; It's really getting quite absurd; I'm watching drivers flip the bird As they go bonkers... Somewhere out on the Beltway, road rage rules; But we'll come back tomorrow — just goes to show: we're fools! But wait! There's hope! My strategy: Get on the road at 4 a.m. ... or 3. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *To "The Colonel Bogey March": Hopeful! That's how I feel each day! Hopeful! All set to join the fray! Hope is my only dope, since I cannot cope when my hope goes away! Grumpy! No, no, I just have brass! Grumpy! No, no, just grab that lass: Grumpy? Oh, Mr. Drumpf, he Can kiss my lumpy and bumpy crevasse! (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) *To "We Need a Little Christmas" All out with folly, There's no more need for us to act intelligent! Keep up the slacking, Clear out the bland politeness and expel a gent now! Since the GOP is ruling, smarts are in the basement. Intellect's unspooling, ego's its replacement. Cogitation's far too grueling — throw it from the casement! We're entering a generation Of scholarly defenestration! So rest up your brain cells, Aspire to be like what a man who's famous is! Spurn thought and manners, And look: our land is full of ignoramuses now! "Idiocracy's" prophetic! Brilliant's out of fashion. Why be apathetic? Now's the time to cash in; Let's embrace the new aesthetic! Who has time for passion? Shallow minds are ruling now! (Matt Monitto) *To"I Will Survive" :* When vote results were shared, we were horrifed; The panicked immigrants were fearing they should run and hide, But then as Googlers sat there Googling, "Just how can I move abroad?" They learned they're scrod. Can't move to Canada? Oh God! But though we've cracked, we will not break, We will move forward now and work so hard to keep our minds awake. We'll keep our heads up high and keep our chins up off the floor So that in four we can go and boot his orange butt out the door! Yes, we, we will survive "¦ (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *To "Rockin' Robin": He sits in his tower all day long Grumblin' and stompin' when they do him wrong. Nighttime comes and he's on the beat: That's when Rockin' Donald goes tweet, tweet, tweet! Rockin' Donald (tweet, tweet, tweet ,tweet), Shockin' Donald (tweet, tweedley tweet), Oh Rockin' Donald, you're really gonna shock 'em tonight! Some folks think that the guy's insane, "There's just some funny circuits in his brain." Four years of this , can we all cope? Not real sure , but there's always hope ... (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) *To "New York, New York" :* Our little old "swamp" will be drained away We'll have a brand new POTUS soon Who wants new feds! After all the pomp, most usually stay At agencies with work to do For seasoned feds They wake and head into the city to federal jobs, But this new king of the hill thinks they're all slobs. He's said we can't use Those who know the way; Let's make a brand new start of it With all new feds! We'll have so much more fun If they don't know Step One, ! So we'll get all new, new feds, new feds! (Elizabeth McQueen, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) *To"O Holy Night": Oh, holy crap, I didn't see him winning! Just send a message, that's all I meant to do. She was a shrew, enabled all Bill's sinning. I voted Trump, and now that vote I rue. Maybe there's hope, some constitutional limits; He'll lose interest, forget that stuff he said. Out on the street I hear protesters' voices, They sound divine! A new passion is born. Bring light, hold tight, and hold the line. (Maria LeBerre, Herndon, Va.) *To "Just You Wait" from "My Fair Lady":* Bide your time, O my children, bide your time, Though she faltered in her presidential climb And Republicans may gloat so Clinton got most of the vote, so Bide your time, O my children, bide your time. It's not "if," O my children, it is "when" That the Oval Office door will not read "MEN." In four years for president we May learn foresight's twenty/twenty It's not "if," o my children, it is "when." You will yet see the nation realize That it's not testosterone that qualifies And the field from whom we pick be- Come Elizabeth and Nikki Then at last will the White House Be a not-out-of-sight house! Bide ... your ... time! (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich., a First Offender) *To"How High the Moon" : The sky is falling, or so I'm told; The earth is warming; that leaves me cold. Why should I worry if the climate's a little bit hot As long as it's not Too hot to hit some golf balls at our favorite spot. The brothers Koch say: No need to fret. Go out and smoke a Kool cigarette. Why should I care or wonder where some iceberg now shrinks If out on the links We keep on getting all those ice cubes in our drinks. (Jesse Etelson, Rockville, Md.) *To "Delilah" : I dance a jig as the biggest of problems grow bigger, Toot on my flute as the handbasket heads straight to hell. No desperation Can break down the walls of the halls where I've chosen to dwell. My, my, my denial. Plain, close-eyed denial. Long before reality breaks down the door I'm drunk on denial, tuned out from the truth I deplore. When all the gleams of your dreams become turds in a punch bowl, Fished out and flushed down the crapper straight into the pits, Dance, laugh and smile — Denial may cost you the race but you'll still keep your wits. My, my, my denial. Why not try denial? Who can cope when you've come to the end of your rope? It's better to die in denial than live without hope. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) /And Last: / To "Smile": Style when the world is warring, Style when your job is boring; When you are down, you should try the SI Read in Style if you're melancholy; Style, and you'll feel more jolly— We've got a pun regarding poo for you. Light up your face with humor; Hide every trace of gloom or Fear things severe may be ever so near. That's the time for a rhyme amusing; Style—laugh through all your losing. You'll find that life is still worthwhile If you just Style. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) ====================================================================== WEEK 1207, published December 25, 2016 Style Invitational Week 1207: Clue us in — a reverse crossword Here's the grid; you write funny clues. Plus winning musings on various magical powers Here are the answers to a Birnholz puzzle from 2014; it's up to you to provide creative, funny clues for up to 25 of them. (Grid by Evan Birnholz/DevilCross.com) By Pat Myers Entertainment December 22(Click here to skip down to the winning ideas for what to do with various magical powers) *RETIRE: What to do to a car that won't run — or one that just has a flat *HEARSES: Derrieres that fit best in men's jeans There's a double helping of Evan Birnholz in The Post's Arts & Style section this weekend. First, because The Washington Post Magazine has Christmas off, Evan's ultra-clever Sunday crossword found room at our newsprint inn instead, on Page E4. And just as he did last year, Evan has slipped the Empress a grid to use for our annual backward-crossword challenge; once again, it's from a puzzle he constructed for his own website, Devil Cross, back in 2014. How do you make Homer Simpson look more like O.J. Simpson? This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *This week: Supply clever, funny clues to up to 25 of the 72 words and multi-word terms in Evan's grid, as in the examples above (the second one being "he-arses"). Yes, the grid has no numbers — because we don't need them: just list each word along with your clue (if it's a multi-word or hyphenated term, please list it as a single word anyway, so the Empress can search for all the entries with, say, IDOTOO). The clues should be brief, but they don't have to be as short as for a real crossword, as the examples show. (Note: This is an American-style crossword, not the British type in which the clue contains an anagram of the desired word.) Evan's own clues for this puzzle are, not surprisingly, pretty challenging; for example, for ANTI it's "No one?" — as in someone who says no. (We dispense with the convention of ending a wordplay clue with a question mark, since we'd end up with them on 90 percent of our clues.) If you'd like to try to do the puzzle first, before studying the clues above — or just want to see Evan's clues — go to bit.ly/devilcross2 and scroll down to the blank grid. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1207 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a brand-new*Chia Homer, * a terra cotta bust of Mr. Simpson on which you grow a sort of Afro of green "hair" in the form of sprouting little chia seeds — making Homer look like a cross between Green Bill Cosby and Green Ronald McDonald. Donated by Not a Loser Herself Martha Heiner. *Other runners-up win the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short." First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 2; results published Jan. 22 (online Jan. 19). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *CAPE-ABILITIES: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1203* In Week 1203 we asked what you would do with one or more of the magical powers we listed. Many Losers offered that if they could become many times as small, they might almost feel comfortable on a short flight in coach. 4th place *Shape-shifting: I would turn myself into a Chihuahua during storms so my habit of piddling myself would seem more acceptable. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) 3rd place If I had X-ray vision, I would become an orthopedic surgeon and go to poor rural clinics to provide free health care. Just kidding! I would look through people's clothes at their butts. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) 2nd place /and the 'Pessimism: It's probably not that great' T-shirt: / *X-ray vision:* Don't need it — I just walk right into the dressing room. — D.J.T., Still New York (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Supersonic speed:* I'd stand on the Olympic podium next to Usain Bolt and proudly receive my silver medal. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Downed power lines: honorable mentions *Becoming huge and shape-shifting:* I'd become a super-large Newt Gingrich and put the star on the Capitol Christmas tree. Just like the Abominable Snowman in the Rudolph TV special, but with hair spray and no friends. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Imperviousness to heat:*I'd run into burning buildings to save people. Then run back in and ransack their drawers for cash. Come on, it was going up in smoke anyway! (Ben Aronin, Washington) *Shape-shifting and becoming many times as small:* I would assume the shape of a camel and then fit through the eye of a needle, paving the way to Heaven for countless dead tycoons. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Shape-shifting:* I would assume the shape of a 15-foot rooster, paint myself blue and run through the National Gallery's East Building shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!" (Roy Ashley, Washington) I'd shrink* and sneak into Trump's bedroom while he's alone at the White House and then do a series of shape-shifts* into the Ghosts of Wives Past, Present and Yet to Come. The future vision would be Rosie O'Donnell. You're welcome, Melania. (Kevin Dopart) *Shape-shifting:* I would become a star so I could twinkle. This is how I actually answered that question in elementary school, which led to an undeserved critique by classmates during recess consisting of a most unpleasant Atomic Flying Wedgie. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va., who's slowly getting over that) If I had supersonic speed and X-ray vision, was impervious to cold* and could shape-shift:* I'd race to the North Pole, morph into an elf, and get an early look at what Santa is bringing me this year. Oh yeah, like you wouldn't? (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) *Supersonic speed:* I'd be late for everything, just to mess with people. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) *Supersonic speed:* I'd go to law school and become an ambulance-catcher. (Roger Strauss, Silver Spring, Md.) *Imperviousness to heat and cold:* I could fulfill my childhood ambition to become a firefighter/penguin researcher. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Imperviousness to cold:* In August, I could go to my D.C. office without even bringing my parka. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) I*mperviousness to cold:* I'd stand outside disguised as a snowman, waiting patiently to scare the bejeebers out of the next person who let his dog poop on my lawn. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *X-ray vision:* I'd finally confirm that sicko Schrödinger's cat is dead. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *X-ray vision:* I'd wear a lead-lined blindfold — because I definitely do not want to see people's skulls and intestines. (Melissa Balmain) *X-ray vision:* I don't really want to use it for anything. I just want to wear those cool glasses with the spiral lenses. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *To become many times as large: I'd become a hand model. — Donald Trump (Ben Aronin) *Many times as small:* I would fill my toilet with heated water so it could double as a Jacuzzi. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) *Many times as large: I could finally see just how cold — and deep — urinal water is. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Having supersonic speed:* When the car ahead of me on the Beltway moved, I'd be able to move that five additional feet really, really fast. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Having supersonic speed:* As my wife can tell you, there are times when this can leave a lot to be desired. (Jesse Frankovich) *Many times as small: At last I can finally get that last bit of toothpaste out of the tube! I'll need tiny miner's helmet for light and a minuscule bulldozer. Bulldozer's gonna need an itsy-bitsy ramp to the mouth of the tube . . . Man, this is complicated! But so worth it. (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) *Still running — deadline Monday, Dec. 26: Enter any of the year's previous contests. See bit.ly/invite1206 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1208, published January 1, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1208: A RIP-roaring year — write an obit poem Plus the winning post-election 'silver linings' to comfort (or 'comfort') the despairing The "date" that 16-year-old Barry Williams went on with his 36-year-old "Brady Bunch" mom seems to have been mostly in his own mind. (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment December 29, 2016(Click here to skip down to the post-election "silver linings" winners of Week 1204) /Florence Henderson (1934-2016)/ *"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" the other girls, they quipped. * The senior Brady daughter was the cute one (says the script). * But just ask Greg, the eldest, which castmate was the bomb — * The hottie whom he pined for was his lovely on-screen mom. One death most of us can cheer about is the demise, finally, of the year 2016, which, in addition to such pesky distractions as the world falling apart, seemed to claim a weirdly high number of beloved entertainment figures. But their loss is our game, our annual one: Write a humorous poem of no longer than eight lines about someone who died in 2016,* as in the example above by Washington Post Staff Tasteless Person Gene Weingarten. You're certain to find many lists of newly former people by Googling "deaths 2016" (without quotes). As always with our obit poems, being witty doesn't mean you have to be cruel; don't express glee over someone's death just because you didn't like her singing or his tax policies. Your poem isn't required to rhyme, but in the 14 previous times we did this contest, almost all the inking entries did. This week's second prize: Maybe you can contribute this to the new Great Great Wall to our south. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1208 (all lowercase). *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets, after our year of similarly great (if not similarly "great") upheaval, a genuine "Authentic Cut taken directly from the heart of the Berlin Wall."* It comes complete with a little pouch, a declaration of authenticity, and a box — which is good, because otherwise it looks like a piece of gravel. Donated by Loser 4 Ever Elden Carnahan, who thought he was regifting an earlier prize but wasn't. *Other runners-up win the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of the last of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Magnet Dum Laude" or "Falling Jest Short," or a new model TBD. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 9; results published Jan. 29 (online Jan. 26). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Mark Raffman; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *COMFORT AND OY: THE 'SILVER LININGS' WINNERS OF WEEK 1204* In Week 1204 the Empress asked for some post-election "silver linings" for those who were less than euphoric over the election results. Close to 20 Losers noted that we won't have to have our prime-time TV preempted next month, now that the State of the Union address will be delivered as a tweet ("Believe me, it's great!") at 3 a.m. 4th place: We can all look forward to Fireside Tweets. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3rd place: It'll be fun to see Cabinet meetings televised and end with a firing. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place: and the Trump bobblehead : With the ice caps melting, we can invade the North Pole and finally win the war on Christmas. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: From now on, everyone who says "Thanks, Obama" will really mean it. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) So long, succors: honorable mentions At least now you can be sincere when you tell your children that "ANYONE (sigh) can grow up to be president." (Neal Starkman, Seattle) We can look forward to the debut of the 21st century's first coal-powered car. (Terry Reimer, Frederick, Md.) Saying "I told you so" may be not be gracious, but it never gets old. (Art Grinath) At least we won't have to watch this president's hair go gray from the burdens of office. (Terri Berg Smith; Rockville, Md.; Eileen Doll, Gwynn Oak, Md., a First Offender) Now it's /your/ turn to rag on the other party's leadership every day, hour or minute. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) We won't have to worry about how to pronounce FGOTUS. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Thank God we don't have to "go high" anymore! So bite me! (Sarah Jacobs, New York, a First Offender) When the country files for bankruptcy, we'll have an expert in office. (Keith Ord, Potomac, Md., a First Offender; Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) When we nuke Belgium, they probably won't fight back. (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) With Melania staying in New York, the Secret Service agents assigned to her will have a fun, vibrant place to get in trouble when they're off duty. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) Alec Baldwin will be so busy on "SNL" that he won't be able to make a "Mercury Rising" sequel. (Dan Mauer, Washington) Justice Ginsburg will receive the absolute best round-the-clock medical care. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) At least the new administration has no connection with Anthony Weiner. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Although some people may lose Medicare, Social Security or veterans' benefits, at least we now get to choose our own facts. (Kevin Dopart) Billy Bush is off the air. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Global warming won't be a problem anymore, what with nuclear winter. (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento; Ed Sobansky, Bowie, Md.) A constant state of existential dread really makes those pounds come off! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Tourists will have no trouble finding the White House once the giant neon TRUMP sign goes up. (Hildy Zampella) Elon Musk will get many more applicants for his one-way trips to Mars. (Art Grinath; Allan Breon, Clarksville, Md.) Private contracts cost the federal government $500 billion a year. Just think how much we'll save with a president who knows how to stiff contractors! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Evil clowns no longer have to hide in the woods. (Frank Osen) What are you so sad about? I'm gonna be rich! (Mike Merrigan, Riverdale Park, Md., a First Offender) We may finally end the long reign of terror inflicted on us by former Miss USAs, federal judges from Indiana, and Gold Star parents. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) These Cabinet appointments could get some bad hombres off Wall Street. (Dan Kinney, Charlottesville, Va.) The middle class will finally disappear, so we won't have to worry anymore about what to do with them. (Roger Dalrymple) No more Little Bo Poop on the White House lawn. (Ed Scarbrough, Germantown, Md.) On April 15, instead of a check, I can send the IRS a notification that I am smart. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) We'll finally be able to stop talking about the Gore-Bush recount. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) Think of the tremendous savings we'll get by combining the U.S. and Russian embassies around the world. (Jon Hensley, Arlington) It will be fun watching it all unravel — particularly the single 10-mile-long hair strand. (Martin Bancroft, Bellevue, Wash.) If you get axed from the EPA, don't worry, the Ministry of Truth is hiring! (Ben Aronin, Washington) That bomb shelter Grandpa built in 1962 is looking like a smart investment after all. (Rob Cohen) Like loosening a belt after Thanksgiving dinner, dozens of politicians will enjoy the blissful feeling of relief by unleashing years of pent-up racism. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) It's only 0.04 centuries until Election Day 2020. (Jesse Frankovich) /And Last: /Since the president-elect doesn't read, The Style Invitational is safe from the bashing he gives "SNL." (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 2: Our reverse-crossword contest. See bit.ly/invite1207 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1209, published January 8, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1209: Inventing facts—a fake-trivia contest about inventions Plus Part 1 of our contest to revisit all the past year's contests Presenting, above and below, our newest pair of Loser magnets. The slogans, by Tom Witte and Beverley Sharp, respectively, were honorable mentions themselves, in slogan contests back in 2007 and 2012. The Empress will start awarding them to the Week 1205 winners. (Design by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment January 5(Click here to skip down to the winners of our retrospective contest) * The first rice cake, as you might expect, was the consequence of an explosion in a Styrofoam factory.* *The modern toilet paper roll was the brainchild of carnival worker P.B. Whipple: While winding layers of spun sugar onto a cardboard holder, he realized that cotton candy was remarkably similar to TP, though slightly less digestible.* * * The Style Invitational, bringing you fake facts before it was official government policy. Yes, it's yet another of our fictoid contests, this one suggested by 105-time Loser Melissa Balmain, who doesn't get the usual contest-suggestion prize of an ice cream date with the Empress because she's in Rochester, N.Y., and it's too cold there for ice cream: *Tell us a humorously untrue account of how a product or invention came to be, or got its name, as in Melissa's examples above. Don't write huge paragraphs; Melissa's toilet paper roll fictoid, at 37 words, is plenty long for us. Beverley Sharp was the first of several Losers to suggest this magnet slogan over the years. (Design by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1209 (all lowercase). *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets, apropos of this contest, a board game called Fact or Crap : You take a card that contains some bit of trivia (e.g., "The armadillo is the only animal to suffer from leprosy") and you have to decide whether it's . . . yup. Donated by Loser Marleen May. *Other runners-up win the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of the two new magnets shown here today. (Except for First Offenders, who receive a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener": FirStink for their first ink.) Deadline is Tuesday night, Jan. 17; results published Feb. 5 (online Feb. 2). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . This week: Looking back at the whole collection of Loser Magnets since 2004. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *#REHASHGAGS: WINNING DO-OVERS FROM OUR 2016 RETROSPECTIVE CONTEST *Week 1205 was our annual retrospective contest, in which the Loser Community could enter (or re-enter) any of the previous year's 50-some contests — often using more recent events for fodder. For Week 1206 we did the very same thing, so next week there'll be more of the same. Most of this week's inking entries are from various short-form contests, but you definitely should also check out the terrific song parodies. 4th place: /For Week 1150, to change a name by one letter:/ *Rahputin: State Department adviser, 2017 (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 3rd place: /Week 1162, Onion-style headlines:/ M&M's to Replace Artificial Disodium 6-hydroxy-5-[(2-methoxy-5-methyl-4-sulfophenyl)azo]-2-naphthalenesulfonate Red Dye With Natural 7-α-D-Glucopyranosyl-9,10-dihydro-3,5,6,8-tetrahydroxy-1-methyl-9,10-dioxoanthracenecarboxylic Acid (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 2nd place and thetote bag with a gotcha joke in Arabic : /Also for Week 1162: / McDonald's Apologizes for Cultural Appropriation, Closes All Branches Outside Hamburg (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /Week 1173, food puns:/ Steamed dumpings: Taking the farm-to-table movement way too far. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) Naught again! Honorable mentions /Week 1150, change someone's name by one letter: / *John Madams:* The original Vice president. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) /Week 1155, replace vowels in a movie title with other vowels: / "Behind Locked Doors" -> "Behind Licked; Odors":* New title for "My Life as a Dog" (William Kennard) "Moby Dick" -> MBYDCK -> "Maybe Duck":* A discouraged Ahab ponders easier quarry. (Colin Schatz, Oakland, Calif., a First Offender) *"Fantastic Boasts and Where to Find Them":* @RealDonaldTrump: The Movie. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) "Gideon's Trumpet" -> "God, No — Is Trump It?":* Horror strikes at midnight on Nov. 8. (William Kennard) /Week 1160, redefine a word: / *Umami:* A Japanese insult: "Everyone's had a taste of umami." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Undeterred,* /n:/ Result of potty training mishap. (Mark Raffman) *Seesaw: The view from the window of a bullet train. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) /Week 1162: Onion-style headlines:/ Trump to Keep State of the Union Speech Brief: "Veni, Vidi, Vici" (Jeff Contompasis) Young Man Who Said 'Yes We Can' to Malia Obama Still Missing (William Kennard) /Week 1163, spell words backward:/ *GNILF:* A good neighbor you'd like to get to know better. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Anozira:* A medical condition in which brain cells are destroyed by continuous dry heat. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) /Week 1165, add or substitute the letter B in a word:/ *Bratuity:* An additional $10 tip as penance for not controlling your kids. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Boff-season:* Spring break in Fort Lauderdale. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *BSer-friendly* (adj.): Describing gullible voters. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) /Week 1168, Asterisky Business — jokes that require specialized knowledge to understand:/ There was an analytical lab supervisor who didn't believe in praising his workers too much. He only gave out attoboys.* *The prefix atto- means one-quintillionth. (Jeff Contompasis) /Week 1170, "breed" two racehorse names and name the foal: / *Stradivari x Can't Remember = FiddlerOnTheRoofie* (Chris Doyle) /Week 1170 combined with Week 1168:/ *Gettysburg x Twenty Four Seven = Plank's Constant** *"Gettysburg Eddie" Plank was a Hall of Fame baseball player from Gettysburg, Pa. Planck's constant (6 x10 to the minus-34th) represents the ratio of the energy of a photon to its frequency. (William Collinge, Gettysburg, Pa.) /Week 1171, pair a line of a song with your own rhyming line: / *Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started. Wait . . . ("Big Bang Theory" theme) The school board says I now must state: This theory's open to debate. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *I fell into a burning ring of fire* (Ray Price) Or so it seems in this damn underwire (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) /Week 1174, "grandfoals" from breeding Week 1170 foal names:/ *Señor Moment x Someone Else's Kid = Nacho Daddy* (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Auld Lang Zion x Glock Watcher = Bibi Gun* (Nan Reiner) *Auld Lang Zion x Desitin = Rash Hashanah (John Hutchins) /Week 1175, neologisms whose letters add to 13 Scrabble points: / *Flatinum:* The metal used to make anvils and steamrollers. (Jeff Contompasis) *Chauv:* To push aside someone of a different gender or group. "Donald sure knows how to chauv people around." (Jesse Frankovich) /Week 1176, funny obits for the living:/ In memory of Metro chief Paul Wiedefeld, all trains will stop running for one minute at noon tomorrow instead of the customary 17. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) /Week 1177, song parodies about the election: / /To "Gooch's Song" from "Mame"; click here to see Nan Reiner sing it herself: / We winked at his "movement"; it might shake the pols up. We wanted improvement, and how. But no one expected that he'd be elected. Oh, what do we do now? We thought he was batty, we dished up the drama, We roared at each catty meow. Who dreamt that the Twitler could turn into Hitler? Oh, what do we do now? With ballots, propriety's yoke we shucked, Not thinking that it could be us we'd "¦plucked. This miscreant gall-pot will soon seize the White House And govern like Pol Pot or Mao. No one contemplated that our ship of state'd Become a garbage scow. Perhaps in four years' time we can right this wrong"¦ If the world could just survive that long. Oh, what do we do now? (Nan Reiner) /To "Refugee" by Tom Petty: Click here to see Jon Gearhart singing it: / Somebody somewhere must have kicked me around some. I don't have any class and it's time that I found some It don't really matter to me That we're supposed to be the land of the free: Since yo-ou ca-ame out in support of me You won't have to live next to refugees. I wo-on't let in all the refugees. I won't let in all the refugees, baby ... (Jon Gearhart) /Week 1178, collective nouns:/ A GRAB BAG of harassment accusations (Jesse Frankovich) A COVY of Quayles (Chris Doyle) /Week 1180, a question that a line in a comic strip from that week could answer:/ A. The slime they produce is very valuable. (From "Sherman's Lagoon") Q. Mr. Trump, why do you favor Breitbart News? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) /Week 1187, drop the last letter from a name: / Forrest Gum:* "Life is like a box of Chiclets." (Chris Doyle) *Peter Rabbi: A mohel. (Tom Witte) *Lady Gag:* John C. Holmes's on-set nickname. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) /Week 1190, name chains:/ Dan Snyder, Potomac View Elementary, Watson, Alexander Graham Bell, Tinker Bell, Wendy, Chuck E. Cheese, Chuck Berry, "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," RGIII, Dan Snyder (Kevin Dopart, Washington) /Week 1195, change a movie title without changing any letters/: *"Trans Formers":* Documentary on Caitlyn Jenner's team of surgeons (Rachel Bernhardt, Silver Spring) *"What Ever Happened to Baby, Jane?": Tarzan and his wife wonder if a dingo ate Korak. (Roy Ashley, Washington) /Week 1201, neologisms including the letter block NOVE:/ *Novembereavement:* The state of intense grief felt after the loss of a close election. (Jesse Frankovich) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 9: Our contest for poems about people who died in 2016. See bit.ly/invite1208 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1210, published January 15, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1210: Bill Us Now — our 'joint legislation' contest Plus Part 2 of the Kook's Tour: our 2016 retrospective The Kustoff-Brat Get Off the Lawn Act: Reps. David Kustoff (R-Tenn.) and David Brat (R-Va.) wouldn't even have to be bipartisan. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Entertainment January 12(Click here to skip down to the winners of our Week 1206 retrospective contest) *The Kustoff-Brat Get Off the Lawn Act* *The Budd-Beyer Initiative to Celebrate Good Ol' American Non-Craft Beer* *The King-Lee-Banks Repeal of Any Government Control of Wall Street* Like it or not (and it's not getting too many Likes), the 115th Congress has commenced to make/not-make its contribution to American democracy. And like /it/ or not, that means it's time for The Style Invitational's biennial "joint legislation" name-combining contest — always one of our most frequently entered. Most years we present a list of freshman legislators as potential "co-sponsors," but there were so few new senators and House members this year, the Empress had to augment the roster with the rest of the Maryland and Virginia House delegations plus a bunch of other arbitrarily chosen incumbents, who might or might not have been used in earlier contests. How to feel some sense of satisfaction from the Capitol: this week's second prize, a squeezy stress-dome. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) So: Combine two or more names from the list of members of Congress (the list is at the bottom of this page) to "co-sponsor" a bill based on their combined last names,* and state its purpose, as in the examples above. It's all about their names, not anything about the members themselves. The Empress will permit a slight stretch of pronunciation if it's clear what you're getting at — she gave ink in 2015 to David Kleinbard's "Mooney-Kaine-Beyer-Love Act to note that some Beatles lyrics are factually incorrect," but had no use for "Ashford-Lawrence" as "ass for low rents." Lest the Imperial Brow furrow unnecessarily, you may translate your effort, but do it on a separate line so the E can try it without a hint. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1210 (all lowercase). *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets, fittingly, one of those foam stress-relieving squeeze balls . . . well, not exactly a ball: It's in the shape of the Capitol Dome . Donated by Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 23; results published Feb. 12 (online Feb. 9). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The "retro section" headline is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter the joint-legislation contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *THE RETRO SECTION: WINNING DO-OVERS FROM WEEK 1206* *Week 1206 was Part 2 of our annual retrospective contest, in which you could enter (or re-enter) any of the year's previous contests — with the option of writing about events that happened since they first ran. For the song parodies below, click on the link in the title to get a YouTube clip of the original, so you can sing along while hearing the melody. 4th place /Week 1159, new board games:/ *Donopoly:* Buying up properties and building hotels in one city is no longer enough. This game expands first to counties, then states, countries, continents and the ultimate goal of owning the world. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 3rd place /Week 1183, if [x] were more honest:/ *If golfers were more honest,* ironically, they'd have worse lies. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2nd place and the Trump Winery wineglass: /Week 1187, drop the last letter of a word and define the result: / *Diarrhe:* A daily blog that desperately needs an editor. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /Week 1171, take a line from a song, then add your own, rhyming line: / *With the thoughts I'd be thinkin', I could be another Lincoln if I only had a brain.* "ƒBut the rubes loathe "elitists"; with the wisdom of a fetus, I just ran the best campaign. @RealDonaldTrump (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) The laughed-overs: honorable mentions /Week 1155, drop the vowels from the title of a work and add in your own: /"Mona Lisa" -> MNLS --> "Mean Lois":* Lesser-known Leonardo portrait, known for its enigmatic scowl. (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) /Week 1160, redefine real words: / *Tangling:* Lunar native word for "Apollo astronaut." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) /Week 1162, Onion-style headlines: / Aunt Eleanor Considers Removing Plastic Slipcovers for Papal Visit* (John Hutchins) *American Robot Loses Job to Cheaper Chinese Robot* (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) *Trump Team Backing Away From 'Make America Great Again'* (Art Grinath) /Week 1165, add one or more B's: / State of the Bunion:* A lengthy speech given by Grandma each Thanksgiving, Christmas and Mother's Day. (Jesse Frankovich) /Week 1170, "breed" two racehorse names and name the foal: / Annals of Time x Caribbean = Age Before Booty (Steve Honley, Washington) The Lieutenant x Let Me Go First = The Loo Tenant* (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) Singleton x Battery = One Man One Volt (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) /Week 1171, song "tailgaters":/ *When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way* ("West Side Story") Watching TV every Super Bowl day. "" Tom Brady (Chris Doyle) /Week 1172, write something using only words in the song "American Pie": / *The spoken word of the foul jester was caught* — about how he touched one girl and more — but he refused to own what is real. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) *This'll be eight years, said the foul jester-king. We clenched our fists in rage. Three years and one, maybe, to break that Satan's spell. That's the day we fire him; wouldn't that be some happy news. (William Kennard) /Week 1175, neologisms whose letters add to 13 points in Scrabble: / *Melaniastan:* Country that seems to be exempt from the usual immigration rules. (William Kennard) /Week 1177, election song parodies: / /To "The Joker": / *Some people call me a base clownboy,* Some call me the gangster of gall. Some people mock my hairpiece, And I speak like the pompousest of all. People tweet about me, baby; Say I'm sayin' things wrong, sayin' things wrong. Well, I don't worry, baby, don't worry, 'Cause I'm white-white-white-white, rich and strong . . . (Jesse Frankovich) /(more parodies at the end of the results)/ /Week 1178, collective nouns:/ An ONYMOUS of Internet trolls.(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) /Week 1179, ABC phrases:/ *Addition by contraction:* Childbirth. (Jesse Frankovich) /Week 1180, quote a line from a comic strip and give a question it might answer: / A. "You can't rhyme 'undies' and 'munchies.' "* ("Baby Blues") Q. What is the bane of aspiring Losers during Invite poetry contests? (Kevin Dopart) /Week 1187, drop the last letter of a word or name: / *Lemmin:* The flavor of Kool-Aid that was drunk at Jonestown. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) [Yes, we know it was really something called Flavor Aid, but that would have just ruined the joke.] *The Mamas & the Papa: Utah dreaming on such a winter's day ... (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) /Week 1188, explain a concept with only one-syllable words: / The Rapture:* If you have true faith, you get to board with Group One on the last flight out. (Kevin Dopart) /Week 1189, limericks featuring words beginning with "ge-":/ He and she planned to elope;. He gave her a diamond ring. "Nope! It's a nice enough gem,*" She averred, "but, ahem, I've been wanting the one that's called Hope." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) /Week 1191, bank headlines/:: /Real head:/ Pro-Assad forces eye last sliver of Aleppo* /Bank head: / //'Oh, so it's a kind of cake,' says Gary Johnson (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) /Week 1194, fake derivations of words:/ *Alimony:* from Old English, for "all his money." Duh. (Mark Raffman) /Week 1195, change a movie title without changing any letters:/ / / //La-la-land:* A man overcomes his insecurities stemming from a stutter to become an air traffic controller. (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.) *No! Country, for Old Men!: The new DJ at the Chattanooga Soldiers' Rest Home radio station is persuaded to stop playing rap music. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Scarf Ace: Documentary about the world champion of hot dog eating. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Ma, Sh!: Back from Korea, "Hot Lips" Houlihan is constantly silenced by her children, who don't want to hear her war stories. (Drew Bennett) /Week 1177, election-themed parodies: / /To "The Purple People Eater" : /Well, the candidate came right out of the blue, He had great big hair, and small hands too. I commenced to shaking and I said, "Ooh wee! It looks like an orange lady-grabber to me!" He was a big-hair, small-hand, lying orange lady-grabber ... Sure looks strange to me! I said "Mister orange lady grabber, what's your line?" He said "Making tons of money, and it sure is fine. But that's not the reason that I'm here today: I'm running for prez of the U.S.A!" Well, bless my soul, taco bowl, narcissistic lady-grabber, Build a wall, ban 'em all, xenophobic lady-grabber (Lock that witch up!) chauvinistic lady-grabber For the GOP! Then he pulled on his cap and didn't hesitate He went upon his way to Make America Great. Hit the campaign trail, and then wouldn't you know: Made the run for president his new reality show! ... (Leslie Horne, Greenbelt, Md.) // /Week 1202, parodies expressing hope: / /To "I Dreamed a Dream" from "Les Misérables" / I dreamed a dream November eight: There was one sensible selection; I dreamed there was a candidate Who faced an all but sure election. She faced a nasty, crude buffoon Who cared not to be diplomatic, A hypocritical cartoon Whose baggage was most problematic. But results came late at night; Hope would fade with Pennsylvania, And Wisconsin was a knife And my dream has turned to fear. I had a dream it wasn't real, That the electors were refutin', That they would certainly repeal The vote as fixed by Mister Putin. And now I dream in four more years, When we're fed up with all the drama, The perfect Democrat appears -- Perhaps, just say, Michelle Obama. I had a dream my world would be Forever lived inside my bubble, Protected from reality ... Now Trump has popped the dream for me. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Still running — deadline Tuesday night, Jan. 17: Our contest for bogus tales of how products or inventions came to be. See bit.ly/invite1209. THE CONGRESSIONAL FRESHMEN (plus various incumbents) FOR WEEK 1210 (Click here for a two-column list) Arrington Bacon Banks Barr Barragan (pronounced "barrigan") Bergman Beyer (buyer) Biggs Brat Brown Budd Byrne (burn) Carbajal (CAR-ba-hal) Carson Cheney Comstock Connolly Correa (cor-RAY-a) Cortez Masto (mast-O; you can also use just Masto) Crist Cummings Davidson Delaney Demings (demmings) Duckworth Dunn Espaillat (espi-aht) Esty Faso (rhymes with "lasso") Ferguson Fitzpatrick Gabbard (GAB-berd) Gaetz (gates) Gallagher Garrett Gonzalez Goodlatte (good-lat) Gottheimer (got-hymer) Griffith Harris Hassan (HASS-in) Higgins Hice Hill Hollingsworth Hoyer Jayapal (JY-a-pahl) Johnson Kennedy Khanna Kihuen (kee-wen) King Krishnamoorthi (krishna-moorti) Kustoff (cust-off) Lawson Lee Lewis Marshall Mast McEachin Mitchell Murphy Norton O'Halleran Panetta Polis Raskin Rochester Rooney Rosen Ross Ruppersberger Rush Rutherford Sarbanes Schneider Scott Shea-Porter Simpson Smucker Soto Suozzi (swazi) Taylor Tenney Van Hollen Wittman Yoder Young ====================================================================== WEEK 1211, published January 22, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1211: Write us the best tweets in history Disparage a laudable figure of the past or present; plus winning creative crossword clues(Bob Staake/For The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment January 19 (Click here to skip down to the winning creative crossword clues) This week's contest was suggested by 166-time Loser Howard Walderman. The Empress has /no/ idea what might have inspired him. This week:*Write a stupidly disparaging tweet (140 characters or fewer, including spaces) about some laudable figure of past or present, true or fictional, as in the example above. You may attribute it to anyone. Please don't actually post it on Twitter until we post the results of this contest. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1211 (all lowercase). *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets, apropos of the dignity of this week's subject matter, receives Fishin' for Floaters, a bathtub game in which the child (presumably) uses a little rod and net to snag some googly-eyed foam poos. Donated by Nan Reiner. The Style Invitational will not stoop to discussing "golden showers," but we will happily give out a prize useful for bathtub-cleaning. *Other runners-up win the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 30; results published Feb. 19 (online Feb. 16). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jon Gearhart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *CAUGHT IN THE CROSS-HARS: REPORT FROM WEEK 1207* In Week 1207 we asked you to supply creative clues for any of the words in a grid by Washington Post Sunday crossword constructor Evan Birnholz; here are the best among them. (To see Evan's original clever clues, go to bit.ly/devilcross2 and scroll down to the blank grid.) Note that you have to look at many of these clues flexibly; even the hint "2 wds" might mean that one of them is an abbreviation (e.g., "Ew, OK") or a single letter ("Alp O"). 4th place: *CHESTS:* Besides booty, what pirates and pageants have in common (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio.) 3rd place *ALPO:* "What is ___ ?" — Gary Johnson to starving dog (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) The grid that provided this week's words. To see Evan's own clues from 2014, go to bit.ly/devilcross2 and scroll down to the blank grid. (Grid by Evan Birnholz/DevilCross.com) 2nd place /and the Chia Homer (Simpson) plant-growing sculpture:/ *AKA:* Three letters few imagined would ever appear between "The Leader of the Free World" and "The Donald" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *PLETHORA:* "Daffy Duck requethts the ___ your company at the marriage of his daughter." (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) Nada clue: honorable mentions *ITSATRAP: Where the music scene is these days (3 wds) (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *MEINHERR:* Fraulein's excuse: "Sorry, I have to wash ____" (2 wds) (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *IPHONE:* What I do when the telegraph's down (2 wds) (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.) *SENTENCE:* The only instance where commuting is a relief (Bruce Ryan, Bellevue, Wash., a First Offender) *DEIDRE: Latin for "Headphones of God" (2 wds) (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *CITE:* Shift all blame to previous researchers (Peter Boice, Rockville, Md.) *CITE:* What Dan Quayle enjoyed flying as a child (Dave Matuskey) *LPS: Scalped scalps (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *AWFUL:* Like a new parent's Facebook page (Leonard Williams, Fort Wayne, Ind.) *ALAS:* The Nationals' traditional season-ending cheer (Jeff Hazle) *ALAS:* Chicken King and Pie Mode (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) *SPITS:* Next baseball stat they'll track? (Michael Rosen, New York) *HEARSES: Box cars (Jeff Hazle; Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *HEARSES: Practices only once (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *IDOTOO:* How I make two circles look like boobs (3 wds, sort of) (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) *ITALY:* Home of the leera (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *AKA:* What a Bostonian might use to get around (2 wds) (Duncan Stevens) *ELSE:* The alternative that no kid is brave enough to make Mom use (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *SOBS: Tear/jerks (Danielle Nowlin; Chris Doyle) *SOBS: Textspeak to reply to your no-count boyfriend's excuses (2 wds) (Jesse Frankovich) *IDARESAY:* Expression seldom heard in N. Korea (3 wds) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala. ) *TORSOS:* Greek island famous for topless beaches (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *NECKLINE:* When this goes down, eyebrows go up (Hildy Zampella) *NECKLINE:* "Wanna make out?" (Mark Raffman) *SWEETENS:* Try these if M&M's are too bitter for you (David Peckarsky, Tucson) *TEE:* Devo follower (Chris Doyle) *SINCLAIR:* Response of zero men to "Who's your favorite Upton"? (Mark Raffman) *THETA:* "Who do I have to sleep with to pass this class?" (2 wds) (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *THETA:* It's inside Mrs. Cyclops's bra (2 wds) (Mark Raffman) *RENEWS:* What you hear from the Glass-Enclosed Nerve Center if you listen more than 10 minutes (Lindsay McClelland, Fairfax, Va.) *RENEWS:* What happens when Stimpy passes gas (2 wds) (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) *PRELUDE: Part of a visit with Cosby that both parties can remember (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *APE:* What some people go when mimicked (Loyd Dillon, Charlotte, a First Offender) *GODARK:* The Trump yacht (2 wds) (Barry Sackin, Murrieta, Calif.) *PLETHORA: A whole gang of Israeli folk dancers (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) *HASH:* How the librarian responded when she liked your joke (2 wds) (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *ALPO:* A "peak" achieved on the Matterhorn — the real Mile High Club (2 wds) (Jeff Shirley) *FIRSTAID: Birch brash, but ___ (2 wds) (Steve Langer) *STRIPTEASE:* Patron saint of fart jokes (Jesse Frankovich) *STRIPTEASE:* Will Blondie get in the tub with Dagwood? Find out tomorrow! (Ricardo Rodriguez, Springfield, Va.) *EWOK:* "That's disgusting! . . . Oh, what the heck, let's do it" (2 wds) (Seth Christenfeld, New York, a First Offender) *EWOK:* Range of response to the "Access Hollywood" tape (hyph) (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) *EWOK:* "Mr. Fudd, where did you say Baghdad was?" (Jesse Frankovich) *SEGA:* Genesis of Genesis (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) *SEGA:* What Benjamin Button does backward (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *CHESTS: What plastic surgeons get their treasure from (Jesse Frankovich) *CHESTS: What Guevara wore under his dress shirts (2 wds) (Chris Doyle) *HILTON:* Quality control check at Swords R Us (2 wds) (Duncan Stevens) *UNSURE:* An odorant/pro-perspirant (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *UNSURE: Nikki Haley's response when Trump offered her a job (2 wds) (Steve Glomb) *ALSACE: What wasn't up Gore's sleeve in 2000 (2 wds) (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *ITSY:* Site where DJT buys his custom-made gloves (Barry Sackin) *ANN: What the cattle brand looks like at the Lazy Z Ranch (2 wds) (Liz Thelander, Bend, Ore., a First Offender) *YES:* Type of man dictators prefer (Howard Walderman) *YES: Being English, they couldn't title their big hit "Traffic Circle" (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 23: our "joint legislation" contest. See bit.ly/invite1210 ====================================================================== WEEK 1212, published January 29, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1212: The Tile Invitational IV Make new words from 7-letter ScrabbleGrams racks; plus this year's top obit poems One way to unscramble BDELOUT: BEDLOUT: A parasite that does its thing, rolls over and goes to sleep. (The intended word: "doublet.") (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment January 26(Click here to skip down to the winning poems about people who died in 2016) *BDELOUT —> BEDLOUT: A parasite that does its thing, rolls over and goes to sleep. *BDELOUT —> OUTBLED: Got that extra pound of flesh, thereby winning the 2016 Ambulance Chasers Championship.* *BDELOUT —> BUDLET: One of those 8-ounce cans of beer. This civet, a member of the mongoose family, had a hand (well, another body part) in processing the coffee beans that are this week's second prize. (In Vietnam the standard translation is "weasel coffee.") (By JordyMeow/via Wikipedia (Creative Commons)) Somehow the Empress forgot to run this contest last year, as she had the previous three: It's our homage to ScrabbleGrams, the word puzzle that appears daily on The Post's comics pages: At the bottom of this page is a list of 40 seven-letter sets taken from "The Big Book of ScrabbleGrams" by Obsessive Loser Jeff Contompasis. Give us a five-, six- or seven-letter word (or two words) by scrambling the letters of any of the sets and define it,* as in the examples above. In past contests almost all the ink has gone to made-up terms, but you may also find an existing word and supply a clever definition for it. Feel free to make your entry funnier by using your term in a funny sample sentence. /Note that we are not playing for Scrabble points; the letter values don't matter./ Please begin /each/ entry with the letter set you're scrambling, as above — and spell it correctly; the E is going to search through her Giant Master List of Entries for all the entries for each set, one after the other. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1212 (all lowercase). *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets — direct from a Vietnam vacation by Losers Mark and Claudia Raffman —*a bag of coffee beans that are a costly delicacy because they have been digested and pooped out by "weasels" * (actually civets), evidently adding some incomparable flavor. But first the Empress is going to let Washington Post Staff Poop-Obsessive Gene Weingarten try a little bit of it, for a possible column. *Other runners-up win the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 6; results published Feb. 26 (online Feb. 23). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Nan Reiner; the honorable-mentions subhead was suggested by both Nan and Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *CIAO LINES: THE OBIT POEMS OF WEEK 1208* Pouf, she's gone, alas: Margaret Vinci Heldt in 2011 (at age 92!), showing the beehive hairdo she created in 1960 for Modern Beauty Shop magazine. (Caryn Rousseau/AP) Perhaps more than ever, there was no shortage of material for our annual obit poem contest, Week 1208. Though we asked for verses about people who died in 2016, the Empress occasionally widened the memorial gates, as for this week's third-place Loser. 4th place: *Ray Tomlinson (1941-2016), email pioneer* Higgledy piggledy, Raymond "Ray" Tomlinson Sent the first email, but Bear in mind that Reaching him now is an Impossibility, Since the domain's unknown Where he is @. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 3rd place: *Cleveland's championship drought (1964-2016)* The Cavs came back and ended Cleveland's championship drought, While Wahoo came in second as their Wrigley luck ran out. Their residents can celebrate, like many other towns, But Cleveland still is Cleveland, and the Browns are still the Browns . (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) 2nd place and the genuine teeny piece of the Berlin Wall: *Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)* Diagnosed as bipolar, she turned it Into humor. (Denial, she spurned it.) Her remains now lie still In a huge Prozac pill! Carrie had the last laugh, and she urned it. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Gillis Lundgren (1929-2016), Ikea bookcase designer The men who bore his coffin from its hearse Wept loudly as they lumbered past the pews: They missed their buddy, naturally—but worse, The coffin still was missing half its screws. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Passed imperfect: honorable mentions *TV star Alan Young (1919-2016)* A hearse is a hearse, and death's a curse, But now you are one with the universe, So don't be terse — go on, converse With the ghost of Mr. Ed! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Prince (1958-2016) *There once was an artist who shone With a musical style all his own. Now, alas, fans of Prince Are in misery, since He'll forever be Formerly Known. (Jesse Frankovich) *Antonin Scalia (1936-2016)* I. With merry wit and repartee You livened up the Court, But let's just say humility Was never quite your forte. So if you make your way up there And watch the Lord relent And grant some sinner's earnest prayer, Please try not to dissent. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) II. Justice Scalia is with us no more, Unexpectedly pushing up clover; it Seems that his life was like Bush versus Gore: He believed it was time to get over it. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Jim Delligatti (1918-2016), creator of the Big Mac* How fitting would this obit be, Though false, and quite improper: "The cause of death: Big Mac attack." (But that would be a Whopper.) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Delligatti and chef Peng Chang-Kuei (1918-2016)* One invented the Big Mac, and the other "General Tso" One's a burger, and the other's dipped in batter. Though it's true the flavors differ, still they're similar, we know, In that that which doesn't kill us makes us fatter. (Mark Raffman) *Mary Fiumara (1927-2016), actress in a long-running commercial* In thead for Prince Spaghetti , She played Mama Martignetti, Calling "Anthony!" to race back home for pasta. But today in North End Boston, They must mourn another lost 'un Because Mary Fiumara's breathed her lasta. (Mark Raffman) *Carrie Fisher *Where has Carrie gone to stay? A galaxy far, far away? The Force will not abandon her, And Darth can't Leia hand on her. (Beverley Sharp) *David Bowie (1947-2016)* David Bowie, fair of face, Pan-seduced the human race. Bagging belle or boffing beau, His "spaceship" knew which way to go. (Nan Reiner) *Gordie Howe (1928-2016) Mr. Hockey earned his name; He gave and took hard knocks. Now he's ejected from the game, Forever in the box. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Arnold Palmer (1929-2016)* A hole in one is every golfer's goal, But Arnold Palmer's now one in a hole. (Brian Allgar, Paris) *Marni Nixon (1930-2016),* whose voice was dubbed in for many movie musicals (sung to "Wouldn't It Be Loverly" from "My Fair Lady") "All I want is a credit line Making clear that the voice was mine. Celestial marquee sign, Oh, wouldn't it be Heavenly . . . Kerr and Hepburn, Monroe and Wood, Couldn't sing; it was I who could. To reap the raves I should — Oh, wouldn't it be Heavenly!" (Nan Reiner) *Nancy Reagan (1929-2016)* The Grim Reaper said it was time to go And Nancy Reagan just couldn't say no. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) *Fidel Castro (1926-2016)* "I'll make it to a hundred" was his boast, "I'll outlive all my enemies by far." And yet, at only 90, Castro's toast. Nice try, Fidel "" but sorry, no cigar. (Brian Allgar) *Robert Leo Hulseman, creator of the red Solo cup* In retrospect the undertaker Made a big mistake By letting fans of Solo cups Arrange that bier pong wake. (Kevin Dopart) *Margaret Vinci Heldt (1918-2016), creator of the beehive hairdo* You have to figure beehive gals Kept plenty hidden in their hair. (A pack of Kents? A Jell-O mold? A handy set of Farberware?) They'd never even tell their pals Precisely what was stashed in there. But Margaret's clients — her, they told. And now, alas, she'll never share. (Melissa Balmain) *Abe Vigoda (1921-2016), actor and a constant victim of death hoaxes* This time it's true that Abe Vigoda Won't be getting any oda. (Nan Reiner) *Greta Zimmer Friedman (1924-2016), the woman in the V-J Day "kissing photo" by Alfred Eisenstadt* A nurse named Greta Zimmer's walking down the street when lo! She's seized and smooched in public by some gob she doesn't know And Eisenstadt immortalized this pair that happy day: Iconic then — but now that pic would be Exhibit A. (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) *Email pioneer Ray Tomlinson* ARPANET, harpanet, Raymond S. Tomlinson Added an @ sign and Email was born. Making our messaging Internetworkable, Brought us together (though Much of it's porn). (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Rob Ford (1969-2016), "colorful" Toronto mayor:* Blond and bombastic, unmannered and crass, Richer than Croesus but lacking in class, Made a career out of glib bellicosity Wrapped in delusions of self-grandiosity. Corpulent pol with his head up his nose"¦ (Thank goodness WE haven't got one of those....) (Nan Reiner) *Powerboat designer Sonny Levi (1926-2016), Boeing 747 designer Joe Sutter (1921-2016) and Volvo designer Jan Wilsgaard (1930-2016)* Three designers walk into a bar. Brags the boat guy, "Mine's fast, and goes far— Maine to Boston, six hours!" But his glee quickly sours; Sniffs the plane guy, "Six hours to Dakar." Then the Volvo guy (known as a sage), Interrupts them: "No meter can gauge Station wagons' true speed— At the wheel, all concede That in seconds, they reach middle age." (Melissa Balmain) [This double limerick goes over the eight-line limit, but the Empress decrees that it qualifies because it's 3.33 lines per person] *The Pokémon Go craze (2016-2016)* O Pokémon Go For a minute you were "it" Now Pokémon Gone. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 30: our contest for disparaging tweets about historical or literary heroes. See bit.ly/invite1211 . *THE LETTER RACKS FOR WEEK 1212* (for a printable four-column version of this list that might be easier to work with, see this week's Style Conversational column , published late Thursday afternoon, Jan. 26) *AHINRSV* *AHIPRSW* *AIIMNNV* *AILLNNO* *AILOPTV* *AIMMOSS* *AINNTUY* *ALLOPRY* *ALLOTYY* *ALOQRSU* *AMNNOSW* *AMRRSTY* *AOOPPRS* *AOORRTY* *BBEHINS* *BBEORRY* *BCEJSTU* *BDELOTU* *BEEHRWY* *BEIOSTY* *BGIORTY* *BIKLNOT* *BNNRSUU* *CCIIRTU* *CDELMSU* *CEEGLNT* *CEEIJOR* *CEEISTU* *CEELRTU* *CEENNOV* *CEFKLOT* *CEIORTW* *CEIORVY* *CEIOSTY* *CEIRRTU* *CHILSTU* *CHIMSSS* *CHINTYZ* *CHKNOOS* *CIILNUV* ====================================================================== WEEK 1213, published February 5, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1213: Punku Yup, write us a haiku with a pun. Plus the winning fictoids about product origins and names Yup, write us a haiku with a pun. Plus the winning fictoids about product origins and names Don't throw away your shot at this week's "punku" haiku contest. (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment February 2(Click here to skip down to the winning fictoids about product origins and names) */Alexander Hamilton/ *A foggy morning* *And a hole in your jacket:* *Burr, it's really cold* (Jeff Brechlin, Week 453, 2002) *"We must raise taxes!"* *"No, we must lower taxes!"* *Budget: Can't budge it.* (Dave Prevar, Week 923, 2011) This week's contest was suggested by Reader but Not a Loser Rich Strimel, and it's straightforward enough: Write a haiku that incorporates a pun, as in the examples above from earlier Style Invitational haiku contests. Yes, yes, they might not fit the classic description of haiku . You're sure to sleep soundly with this 3-D-ish Death Star lamp next to your bed. The colors change, too. This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) For the purposes of this contest: — The haiku must be three lines long, 5-7-5:* with exactly five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. A website called Howmanysyllables.com will tell you how many are in a given word, though one might argue with some of its conclusions. —*The strict definition of a pun is a play on words between two words or phrases that/sound/ very much alike, as in the examples above. But the Empress won't turn away wordplays that use the same word with different meanings. — It's fine if two or all three of the lines rhyme.* Or not. — A title is optional. If there's a pun in it, all the better. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1213 (all lowercase). *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a very cool night lamp — it's not really Loserly, to be honest, except for the nerd factor — that forms a somewhat 3-D-looking image of the "Star Wars" Death Star in rotating colors. You know it's truly nerdy when its electric plug is a USB. Donated by Style Invitational Devotee Kathleen Delano. *Other runners-up win the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 13; results published March 5 (online March 2). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was suggested by both Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *PATENT PRETENDING: INVENTION FICTOIDS FROM WEEK 1209* In Week 1209 we asked for totally bogus alternative explanations for the origins of various products or their names. 4th place: *Stealth technology for warplanes came about when an aerospace engineer discovered that the material used to make laundry hampers was invisible to her husband and children. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: Although the turn signal was invented more than 100 years ago, it seems that BMW engineers still consider it too experimental to install in their cars. (Dallas Baker, Arlington, Va.) 2nd place /and the alternative-fact board game Fact or Crap? / *Bathtub mats* were actually invented as workstation flooring for Chiquita employees in their packing plants. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: Traveling down Interstate 40 in early 1967, a marshmallow truck driver discovered that his truck's back door had sprung open, spilling out boxes of his cargo — just when a highway crew was painting yellow lines on the asphalt. The first Peeps hit the shelves that year in time for Easter. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Others of invention: honorable mentions *"Kleenex"* comes from the Swedish word for "shirt sleeve." (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) The motorized canoe was patented just weeks after the release of the movie "Deliverance." (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) A Nebraska woman named Anna Graham developed the prototype for what would become the game of Scrabble. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) The adding machine was developed in response to the Great Legume Failure of 1931, when accountants in Chicago were unable to do their work because they did not have enough beans to count. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *American cheese came about one Saturday when a Kraft R&D scientist, having left his 3-year-old unattended for a few minutes, returned to the kitchen to find a melted pool of margarine and orange crayons on the stove. (Colin Schatz, Oakland, Calif.) Boston-based baker Clyde Dunkin ran out of dough one day, punched out the middle of each of his buns to make a few more, and realized he could sell "dough nuts"* for a higher price AND less cost. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Botox* was invented by a mortician in Utah who noticed that dead people looked much nicer than their passport photos. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *Count Chocula* cereal was named after the legendary vampire whose bite turned his victims into diabetics. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Cowboys of the Plains states in the 1800s would pull ticks off their leather chaps and apply them to their parched lips to draw blood and rehydrate them. The development of a waxy balm eventually replaced this practice, but the name, Chapstick,* remained. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) First presented at the Iowa State Fair in 1932, the original*candy corn* was handmade from corn syrup and earwax. (Mary Kappus, Washington) The fortune cookie:* Twelve-year-old Emperor Pu Yi, denied access to soothsayers by the Imperial Regent, devised this secret method for them to send him pearls of wisdom, and lottery numbers. (Mark Raffman) Gleb Kotelnikov invented and tested the first*knapsack parachute* in April 1911; Gleb Kotelnikov Jr. successfully tested the first knapsack parachute with nonslip shoulder straps in May 1911. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Jose Angostura was extremely resentful that his girlfriend ran off with a bartender. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Just as its police companion is called the walkie-talkie,*the Taser was originally known as the runnie-stunnie. (Jeff Brechlin, Apple Valley, Minn.) *Mountain Dew* is actual mountain dew, collected each morning outside the bottling plant on Three Mile Island, Pa. (John Hutchins) *Opera glasses* became practical only after 18th-century Viennese inventor Fritz Zauberkünstler stumbled on a formula for lenses that could not be shattered by the human voice. (Lawrence McGuire) Sheared from specially bred sheep during World War I, steel wool was developed in Britain for knitting army helmets. (Mary Kappus) The Brazilian wax* came about when a clumsy eyebrow aesthetician spilled a huge glob in the wrong location, claiming to the stunned, screaming client, "No, really — everyone's doing it this way . . ." (Marni Penning Coleman) The earliest shoes had no laces but had holes for them: DNA evidence indicates that cave men would instead secure them with their braided foot hair. (Warren Tanabe) The first airplane seat was designed for Wilbur Wright, who was 5-2 and weighed 126 pounds. In honor of his contributions to aviation, modern engineers use the same specifications to this day. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) The first ceiling fans* were installed in the palace of the Mughal Shah Jagpur II, who was renowned for his love of lentils. (Dallas Baker) The*toilet was originally named the "water closet" because of how very wet it would become. The fixture was eventually redesigned so that the flushing water would go down. (Warren Tanabe) Cindy Gunn, inventor of the T-shirt cannon,* says she was inspired by her Great Dane: "After I'd seen Horst projectile-vomit everything from a knee sock to half a couch cushion, the patent application pretty much wrote itself." (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Your Mama jokes* were first popularized in 1950, when an Atlantic City comedian got stuck for two hours behind her in a buffet line. (John Hutchins) The inventor of the remote control would have sent in the patent months earlier, but it suddenly went missing; eventually it was found in his refrigerator. (Marni Penning Coleman) Following his embarrassing bidet incident while visiting Paris for the 1889 World Exposition, John Kohler's company began distributing *drinking fountains in America. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Joseph Ascot created the necktie when his wife bet him that he couldn't come up with an article of men's clothing that was totally useless and still make money off it. (Neal Starkman) Repurposing an existing product for use in the food industry often presents a marketing challenge. "Eat Paste . . . for Breakfast!" achieved minimal success, so Nabisco renamed the product "Cream of Wheat.*" This worked marginally better. (Colin Schatz) Asking his male lab subjects to exercise in frigid water while wearing an extremely tight nylon garment to cut off circulation to the genitals, Dr. Ernst Spido studied "nonchemical noninvasive sterilization." Later, the garments became popular in the nonmedical application of appearing embarrassing on the beach. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) William Stanley invented the induction coil* in 1893. To this day no one knows what it does, though scientists suspect it induces something or other. (Jeff Brechlin) *Still running — deadline Monday, Feb. 6: Our ScrabbleGrams neologism contest. Seebit.ly/invite1212. ====================================================================== WEEK 1214, published February 12, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1214: The alternaugural address Write something using words from Trump's speech. Plus the new 'joint legislation' winners This week's contest: Take some words from his inaugural address and say something great. We mean even greater. (Bob Staake /for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment February 9(Click here to skip down to the "joint legislation" from Week 1210.) *"My small hands will get bigger — honestly, magnificent! — as long as I salute the one who controls my every move." Donald Trump's inaugural address was1,433 words of pure . . . source material for our perennial word bank game, in which we present some widely known work or passage, and ask you to write something else from some of its words. Last year the Empress used the song "American Pie"; over the years we've offered everything from Genesis to "The Cat in the Hat." This week: Write a humorous passage — a "quote," an observation, a joke, a dialogue, a poem, anything — using only words that appear in Trump's inaugural address (find it at bit.ly/trump-address or by Googling). You may use a word only as many times as it appears in the speech; for example, you may use "wealth" up to four times, but "carnage," alas, only once. You must use the whole word as it appears ("honestly" but not "honest"), but you may change capitalization and punctuation however you like. You may attribute your "quote" to someone else. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1214 (all lowercase). It's called Poopets, but we'll call it the Turdle: a figurine made of (totally unsmelly) dried manure. It, of course, is this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets the lovely sculpture pictured here: The brand is Poopets, but we'll call it the Turdle: a figurine made of (totally unsmelly) dried cow manure. It's supposed to break down into fertilizer in your garden, but donor Mike Creveling gave it a coat of varnish: so a Turdle lasts forever. (But alas, it won't arrive in time for Valentine's Day.) *Other runners-up win the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Tuesday night, Feb. 21; results published March 12 (online March 9). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by John O'Byrne; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *THE FLOOR SHOW: THE WINNING 'LEGISLATION'* In Week 1210,* our biennial "joint legislation" contest, the usual pool of freshmen had shrunk even further in the 115th Congress, forcing the Empress to pad the list with the full local delegations plus a smattering of other incumbents. As always, some folks in the Loser Community submitted name combinations that sounded like phrases only in the entrants' alternative-minds: Sorry, but /nobody/ will read "Demings-Arrington" as "the Mings are in town.* "* The bills that follow are much clearer, but just in case you can't figure one out, you can look it up: Click here to see the list of winners with an "answer key" — but do try them here first. (Pronunciation tips: Hassan is pronounced like Hasson; Kihuen is "kee when"; Crist rhymes with "fist.") 4th place: The Barr-Crist-Mast-Tenney-Young-Brat* Act to revitalize the Lumps of Coal industry (Paul Jackson, Malabar, Fla, a First Offender) 3rd place: The*Byrne-Norton-Correa* Resolution advocating a preemptive strike on Pyongyang (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) 2nd place and the Capitol Dome squeeze "ball": The Biggs-Esty-Yoder* Masculine Fragrance Promotional Act (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: The Dunn-Taylor-Yoder-King* bill requiring truth in online dating profiles (Amy Harris, Charlottesville) Deplorabills: honorable mentions The Barr-King-Bacon* proposal to restrict genetic engineering on animals (G.T. Bowman, Falls Church, Va.) The Brown-Hice* Amendment to warn of something, in addition to yellow snow, that nobody should eat (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Steve Offutt, Arlington, Va.) The Hice-Tenney-Hoyer* resolution to require a daily greeting for the House Democratic whip (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.; Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.) The*Lawson-Dunn* Repeal of Everything Obama Did (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) The Biggs-Norton* resolution calling for investigation of Trump's "sniffles" (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) The Carson-Davidson-Ferguson-Johnson-Lawson-Simpson Clean Heir Act (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) The Gottheimer-King* Act authorizes the DEA to find out what "merking" is and put an end to it (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) The Hassan-Tenney-Johnson* bathroom equality bill to support transgender rights (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) The Dunn-Beyer-Brat-Tenney-Bacon* Initiative for Healthier Children's Diets (Daniel Galef, Montclair, N.J.) The Young-Yoder* More Prequels You Must Make Act (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) The Murphy-Lawson-Hill Act to ensure that any legislation that can go wrong will go wrong (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) The Hassan-Esty-Yoder* Act to recognize Your Mama (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) The Marshall-Dunn* bill to allow draining of the Everglades (Marleen May, Rockville) The*Khanna-Lee-Connolly Civi Rights Act to condemn homophonia (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) The*Brown-Crist-Mast-Cummings* Climate Change Adaptation Act (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) The Esty-Duckworth-Khanna-Budd-Hice* Commission to study barter patterns in rural America (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) The Hill-Gaetz-Norton-Dunn* Resolution for Congress to do /something/ useful (Jesse Frankovich) The Marshall-Lawson-Crist-Mast* Act to win the war on that holiday, once and for all (Mark Raffman) The*Beyer-Dunn-Kihuen-Young* bill to support Future Farmers of America (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) The Rush-Beyer-Banks bill merging Quicken Loans and drive-through banking (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) The*Schneider-Brat-Dunn* Act to change the ownership of the Washington Redskins (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) The Ross-Hassan-Tenny-Hice Act to study global warming effects on the Antarctic Mud Shelf (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The Lewis-Barragan* Provision to Restock the House Chamber with Toilet Paper (Jesse Frankovich) The Khanna-Beyer-Young-Brat Rotten-Child Trafficking Support Act (Gordon Cobb) The Delaney-Byrne Act designating knee pads as "feminine medical devices" under Trumpcare. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring) The Budd-Hassan-Hice-Rush* Legalize It Already bill, a.k.a. Joint Resolution 420 (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) The Dunn-King-Hoyer* Act to establish a Georgetown University basketball scholarship (Holly Saunders, Bethesda, a First Offender) The Barr-Dunn-King* bill to prohibit waterboarding — or if that won't pass, to at least reduce coffee stains on neckties (Rob Cohen, Potomac; G.T. Bowman) The Budd-Hollingsworth* Act establishing minimum wages for Clydesdale horses (Roy Ashley, Washington) The Byrne-Budd* Joint Legislation for the Legislation of Joints (Pete Morelewicz) The Polis-Raskin-Yoder-Rush-Carson-Hill Resolution, endorsing the efforts of D.C. police to make traffic near the Capitol move more efficiently. (John Glenn) The Biggs-Carson-Johnson* Declaration, explaining how Huma Abedin knew the photo was of Anthony (William Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.) The *Connolly-Espaillat-Gallagher-Hollingsworth-Marshall-Mitchell-O'Halleran-Van Hollen* bill to tell the president to go two-L (Bill Verkuilen) The Dunn-Barr-King* Act to Send Fido to a Nice Farm Upstate (David Smith, Alexandria) The Dunn-Masto-Bacon* Act to Automatically Shut Off Tyler's Internet at Night (Jesse Aronson, Arlington, a First Offender) The Krishnamoorthi-Smucker-Rooney bill that doesn't really do anything but is fun to say. (Steve Offutt) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 13: our "punku" pun-haiku contest. Seebit.ly/invite1213. ====================================================================== WEEK 1215, published February 19, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1215: A so-so contest (How so-so is it?) It's so so-so that . . . / Plus disparaging tweets about historical heroes "Donald Trump is so annoying that ... " -- a joke that got ink in The Style Invitaitonal ... in 1993. (Bob Staake /for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment February 16(Click here to skip down to the winning trash-tweets about historical figures) */All from Style Invitational Week 21, August 1993:/ *The White House staff is so inexperienced that it has never "been" with another staff. (Meg Sullivan) *D.C. streets are so badly maintained they have more potholes than Jerry Garcia's sofa. (Robin Grove)* You have a golden opportunity to win this lovely mug, this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *Donald Trump is so annoying that Amnesty International wants him beaten and locked up. (Tom Gearty)* When the results of this week's contest run, The Style Invitational will have turned 24 years old. And since Week 1 — in virtually every kind of contest we've come up with — entrants to the Invite have always figured out a way to slip in zingy jokes about politics, celebrities and whatever else was grabbing headlines that week. This week the Empress reprises a contest we hadn't done since Year 1. The results then were almost all about current events — but as you see above, some of them have proved remarkably long-lived, even if they were referring to the start of the Clinton administration and some loudmouth casino mogul. *This week: Write a humorous exaggeration in the form "x is so y that . . . " as in the examples above. *WEEK 1214 UPDATE: The Empress was alerted a few days ago by alert non-Loser Rich Strimel that the transcript of the inaugural address we're using for the Week 1214 contest contained a typo: It said "they will their heart"; it should be "they fill their heart." It's now correct at bit.ly/trump-address*. Deadline is still Tuesday night, Feb. 21. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1215 (all lowercase). *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a little white toilet-shaped mug promoting "King of Thrones," a 2013 cable series on bathroom renovations that was so quickly forgotten, it lacks a Wikipedia entry. Donated by WaPo TV critic Hank Stuever, who knows what to do with promotional toilet mugs that come his way. AND the E will toss in "Rattlesnake Poop" (chocolate-covered sunflower seeds), donated by Cheryl Davis, AND "Moose Droppings" (little chocolate nuggets), donated by Duncan Stevens. *Other runners-up win the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 27; results published March 19 (online March 16). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. This week's contest is based on a suggestion by Ken Gallant. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *YOUR TWEETING HAR: REPORT FROM WEEK 1211* In Week 1211, inspired by, oh, I don't know, we asked for disparaging tweets of celebrated historical or literary figures. Some of the inking entries below were "written" by particular people; if there isn't an attribution, think of them as coming from any old time-warped (and otherwise warped) shallow narcissist with a ridiculous sense of perspective. 4th place *@OskarSchindler* so inept! Factories lost money. Freeloader "workers" didn't build munitions. On my weak list. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place If @Muhammad* is such a big deal, why isn't his picture on any coins? Not to mention six-foot portraits. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the Fishin' for Floaters bathtub game: @VladP 1/20/17: Take that, @Jim Henson.* #TheRealPuppetMaster (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: Looks like @TheMessiah*'s getting delusions of grandeur. Thinks he's @RealDonaldTrump. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Social notwork: honorable mentions Can't believe @TJefferson* spent $15M on Louisiana Territory! Very bad deal. Should have just grabbed it and made France pay. (Gil Glass, Washington) *@ALincoln, so low-energy! 4 scores in 7 years? LAME! I can do better at one pageant! (Sean Doherty, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) Such a nasty woman,*@Cleopatra. A real snake! Nice asp, though. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.; Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Clueless @Julius* turned into Caesar salad, blames @2Brutus. Still won't call it by its name: Radical Pre-Islamic Terrorism. (Gary Crockett) Hey,*@LudwigVB*, I hear you wrote another symphony. Too bad YOU can't. #okbadjoke (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) Hey @DurgCaveman,* you fire no big as me fire. GOL! #ThargBestKnuckleDragger (Jesse Frankovich) My @ColCusterCavalry is biggest! My secret plan is the best. I have greatest hair ever. #SittingBulls--t* will FAIL! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Delusional @Dorothy*. Icky farmhand fantasies. And that mangy mutt! #lockhimup — @ThE_Gulch (Kevin Dopart) Dim bulb @TAEdison* tries 9,000th filament, still nothing. I win historic victory with #gaslighting. (Gary Crockett) *@Edward VII*I, big league loser. Gave up throne for some p*. Throne GETS you p*, dumb duke! (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) Hey @mc_escher*, I'm in your building but can't seem to make it up these damn stairs. Something is @&( up. #NotUpToCode (Jeff Brechlin, Apple Valley, Minn.) *@FrodoBaggins* wasted perfectly good jewelry by throwing it in a volcano. Give it to Goodwill and get the tax break! #dramaqueen (Duncan Stevens) *@Gandhi* u 2 skinny bra #haveaburger (Jamie Johnson, Fayetteville, W.Va., a First Offender) Some POTUS @GWashington* turns out 2 be! There goes another silver $ into the river. #taxandspend — @Grover_Norquift (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) You've gotta see this @FDR* guy -- what a lame leader. Lets his aides push him around. Wife is a 2. Pathetic. (Marleen May, Rockville, Md.) Saw @HelenKeller* today. Called & waved to her but no acknowledgment. Rude! Democrat? (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) Just 5K people, @Jesus*? You even gave out fish sandwiches. My crowd 10,000x bigger — see the photo. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) Failing fiddler @JoshuaBell* plays in train stations, makes just $32! Embarrassing. (Alison Candela, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) Overrated @Gehrig* "luckiest man"? Sorry, buddy, that position's been filled. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Only 1 life to give for his country? @Nathan Hale* has no stamina! (Frank Mann, Washington; Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) *@OliverTwist* always asking for more handouts! Welfare prince exploits hard-working job creators. (Duncan Stevens) *@Shakespeare:* All codpiece and naught but the limpest cod. "" @SirFrancisBacon (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *@Spidey* sense? If he had any sense, he'd clear the webs from his head and finally boink Mary Jane. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *@Sun Tzu* says the supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. Wuss. — @GenghisK (Chris Doyle) Rough Rider? Please,*@TRoosevelt. @CatherineTheGr8 could ride better upside down and backwards. — @VPutin (Jeff Hazle) Hey, @Yoda,* why can't you use #TheForce to help you speak properly? Because stupid you sound. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax) @RealFDR, 12/5/1941: Emperor @Hirohito* is totally overrated! More like ZEROhito. (Eric LeVasseur, Seal Beach, Calif., a First Offender) *@AlmightyGod* takes foreverrr to get to work, then quits in 6 days. All the shows say he's over. — @Lucifer (Kevin Dopart) *@Hemingway sober up and maybe then you could write a sentence of more than six words before nodding off — @JamesJoyce *@JamesJoyce,* it's called punctuation. Try it some time. Ulysses = best doorstop I never read. — @Hemingway (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) ====================================================================== WEEK 1216, published February 26, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1216: As the word turns — 'discover' new words in a grid Plus the winning neologisms from ScrabbleGrams 'racks' "Piglav" and "reggy" are among the words waiting to be coined within this grid for Week 1216. (Grid constructed at puzzle-maker.com) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment February 23(Click here to skip down to the winning ScrabbleGrams neologisms) *L-9: Piglav: A bar's men's room by last call.* *P-6: Reggy: How you won't be describing most federal agencies this year. We're on our third go-round — or go-up, go-down, go-sideways, go-diagonally — with our contest in which you "discover" brand-new words by tracing a line through letters on a word search grid. The Empress created the grid by feeding 20 randomly generated words — including oddities ranging from "darr" to "quindecemvirate" — into an online puzzle generator, but lots of other real words showed up as well. This week: Create a word or multi-word term that consists of adjacent letters — in any direction or several directions — in the grid above, and provide a humorous definition, as in the examples above. You may also give an especially clever definition for an existing term you find. And you may use the word in a sentence, if that makes your entry funnier. Even with this many possible words, there's a good chance that many people will send in the same word, and it'll come down to the description. (If you're having trouble printing out the grid above, print it from here .) Create Symphonies Nos. 1 and 2 by tapping on the Toilet Tunes mat, this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *IMPORTANT:* You /absolutely/ must begin each entry with the letter-number coordinates that mark the first letter of your term, as in the examples; no way is your reasonably obliging but got-her-limits Empress going to search the grid for it. Also, please don't begin the line with numbering, bullets, etc.; they mess up the entry-sorting. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1216 (all lowercase). *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a nifty toy called Toilet Tunes: It's an electronic floor pad with some piano keys drawn on it. Tap your feet and make some melodies while you're, you know, occupied with other matters. It is a little-known fact that Beethoven worked out his Symphony No. 2 on a primitive version of this instrument. Donated by Loser Nan Reiner, who tried it out and reports that it actually works pretty well. *Other runners-up win the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 6; results published March 26 (online March 23). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. "As the word turns" was an entry by Dave Prevar in a previous contest. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results; this week she'll show the grid with the 20 words used to make it. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *RACK-TILE DYSFUNCTION: WINNING SCRABBLEGRAMS NEOLOGISMS* It's Neologism Central in Loserland this week. Besides the new word-find puzzle, in Week 1212* we presented 40 seven-letter "racks" from ScrabbleGrams puzzles and asked you to come up with new terms of at least five letters. Submitted too frequently: *BONKLIT* or KNOBLIT as porn, and WHISPAR* for that hushed tone golf commentators make. 4th place: AILOPTV —> TV PAIL:* Bucket kept close at hand for reality shows — and, increasingly, for reality. (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) 3rd place: AOOPPRS —> ARSPOOP:* Don't tell me there's another kind! (Jim Lubell, Hillsboro, Ore.; Frank Mann, Washington) 2nd place and the Vietnamese civet coffee: AMRRSTY —> SMARTYR:* One who vows to /live/ for the cause. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *CHILSTU:* Two names for the president's inner circle: HIS CULT* and *LIC TUSH. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) Clearance racks: honorable mentions AILOPTV —> POLIVAT:* A pork barrel. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) ALLOPRY —> YAPROLL:* A dachshund (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) BGIORTY —> GORYBIT:* A particularly graphic scene in a horror movie; *ORGYBIT:* the same in a porn flick. (Bruce Niedt) BIKLNOT —> BILKTON:* Las Vegas (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) CDELMSU —> CLUMSED:* Moved less than gracefully. "Fred just clumsed in here and knocked over the TV again." (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) CDELMSU —> DE-SLUM:* To gentrify, from the point of view of the gentry. (Josh Fedblyum, Philadelphia) CIILNUV —> LUVNIC:* A cute term for a vasectomy. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) AHINRSV —> VARNISH:* Somewhat like a varn. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) AHINRSV—> RAVISH:* To carjack a Toyota SUV. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) AHINRSV—> VINRASH:* Rosé-cea. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) AHINRSV —> NRA-SHIV:* "Help protect the incarcerated from prison gang violence: Arm inmates." (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) AHIPRSW —> R.I.P.SHAW:* A two-wheeled hearse. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.; Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) AHIPRSW —> RAWSHIP: How to address an inexperienced, crude officeholder. "Your executive orders are working out perfectly, Your Rawship." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) AIIMNNV —> MINIVAN:* A Dutch toddler. (Ed Edwards, Worcester Park, Surrey, England) AILLNNO —> LOINAL:* The region on a woman most likely to be regulated by the moon, or the GOP. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) AILLNNO —> NONILLA:* World's blandest flavor. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) AILLNNO —> NO-AIL:* The health-care system replacing the ACA. It saves money by mandating that all Americans just stay healthy. (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.) AILOPTV —> VAIL POT:* The best thing to happen to Colorado tourism since snow. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) AIMMOSS —> MIASMOS:* The stinkiest kind of cigars. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) AIMMOSS —> IOS-MAS:* Holiday in which presents are put under an Apple tree. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) ALOQRSU —> QUAROLS: Songs from the War on Christmas, like "Violent Night" and "I Saw Mommy Choking Santa Claus." (Jon Gearhart) **AINNTUY —> ANNUIT:* A native Alaskan who's hit the lottery. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) AINNTUY —> NAYNUT:* Republican member of Congress, 2009-17; Democratic member of Congress, 2017-__. (Mark Raffman) ALLOPRY —> LOL; PRAY:* The best advice for surviving the president's new empire. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) ALLOTYY —> TALLY OY:* Rallying cry at the end of a lox hunt. (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) AMNNOSW —> MANNOWS:* Sperm. "Triplets on the way, bro — my mannows can SWIM!" (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) AMNNOSW —> NO SWAN:* Alas, most ugly ducklings stay ugly. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) AOOPPRS —> SPA-POOR:* Bankrupt, but relaxed. (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.) BBEORRY —> ROBE-RY:* What Senate Republicans did to Merrick Garland. (Allen K. Robinson, Charlottesville, a First Offender) BGIORTY —> B.G. RIOT:* After the Bowling Green Massacre, there was also this. Or something like that somewhere. Clearly we need to militarize the police. — K. Conway (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) BNNRSUU —> NUN RUBS:* The most awkward massages ever. (Scott Slaughter, Monrovia, Md.) CEENNOV —>*NEONCÉ:* This entertainer is inert most of the time, but she really lights up onstage. (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) CEIORTW —> EWROTIC:* Arousing disgust. "Sending photos of your junk is so ewrotic!" (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) AHIPRSW —> WAR HIPS:* Helen of Troy's real secret wasn't her face. (Allen K. Robinson) AIMMOSS —> AM-SO-ISM:*Self-esteem movement; counter-philosophy to the You're-Notsies. (Ellen Raphaeli) ALLOPRY —> PALLORY: The salon the British visit to get that famous pasty skin. (Jeff Brechlin, Apple Valley, Minn.) ALLOTYY —> LYALOT:* Knight who said, "I didn't lay a hand on Guinevere, I swear!" (Mark Raffman) AMRRSTY —> MR. ARTSY:* A better hire to teach at your daughter's school than "Mr. Satyr." (Mark Raffman) AILOPTV —> PLATO VI:* Thankfully, the last film in the "Western Philosophy's Excellent Adventure" series. (Barry Koch) ALLOPRY —> Y'ALL-PRO:* A Southern voice coach. "Nicolas Cage needed a y'all-pro in 'Con Air.'" (Chris Doyle) BNNRSUU —>*UNBUNS:* Gives birth. (Mark Raffman) CEELRTU —> CRULTEE:* De rigueur fashion for haters, paired with stone-washed venim jeans. (Jon Gearhart) AILOPTV —> ILOVPAT:* The vanity plate I chose in a shameless grab at Invite ink. (Jesse Frankovich) ** Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 27: our contest for jokes in the "X was so Y that ..." format. See bit.ly/invite1215 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1217, published March 5, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1217: Mergers you wrote — combine two businesses Plus the winning 'punku' — haiku with puns. Lots of puns. A combined cooking institute and journalism school? Call it Baste On! A True Story. (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment March 2(Click here to skip down to the winning pun-soaked haiku) *Cooking institute/ journalism school: Baste On! A True Story (Jane Auerbach) *Doughnuts/ Jacuzzis: Beignet and the Jets (Andrew Hoenig) *Petting zoo/ bellsmith: A Ram, a Lamb, a Ding-Dong (Elliott Schiff) How better to practice your dribbling than with Potty Basketball? This week's 2nd prize. Here's a contest we've done only once before — 12 years ago. The 2005 results were classic, and the Empress is optimistic that there's lot more wordplay fodder out there. This week: Give a clever name to a combination of two or more businesses,* as in the examples above from Week 641. See the 2005 results in this week's Style Conversational column at bit.ly/conv1217 , published late Thursday afternoon; not only are they fabulous puns, but they'll show you which jokes won't be eligible this time around. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1217 (all lowercase). *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Potty Basketball game, which includes a little wall-mounted hoop, three mini-balls, a court-motif floor mat, and that all-important Do Not Disturb sign. This prize may well suit those Losers not musically adept enough forlast week's prize, the Toilet Tunes electronic mat. Donated, brand-new, by Loser Steven Steele Cawman, who got it from Bed Bath & Beyond, presumably in the Beyond department. *Other runners-up win the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 13; results published April 2 (online March 30). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was sent by both Chris Doyle and Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HAIKUDOS: THE WINNING 'PUNKU' OF WEEK 1213* *Week 1213 was a simple concept: Write a haiku — for our purposes, anything with three lines and 5-7-5 syllables — that incorporated a pun (or at least a word used two ways). Punku. The subject matter could be anything, but to judge from the majority of entries, the Loser Community still needed to vent about Our Nation. With notable exceptions, the week's political haiku outshone the rest, many of which were simply old (if funny) jokes in 17 syllables, e.g., "Elevator sex/ Something completely wrong on/ So many levels." Shortly after posting this contest four weeks ago, the Empress heard from Demi Newell, who'd created the Twitter hashtag #punku in 2014; she can be followed at @DemiNewell. 4th place: Rich straight white men rule. Looks like America's been Grabbed by the passe. (Seth Tucker, Washington) 3rd place: Ollie the bobcat Broke out of her enclosure. That's a fel-in-e. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) 2nd place and the cool Death Star night light : Liz Warren stifled From reading Ms. King's letter — In-Coretta-ble! (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: "The Bowling Green Mass" Is what I call it, because It didn't -acre. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Hacku: honorable mentions The dishonest press Says I banned a religion! I should muzzle 'em! (Homeira Ghorbani, Washington) The Christian Right prays For the NRA: "Blessed Are the piecemakers." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) "It's fake news, FAKE NEWS!" Don cries and sighs. "The press lies!" He pronounced "prez" wrong. (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) Both Spicer's fashion And card sense stank — he followed Trump in the wrong suit. (Mark Pomponi, Ellicott City, Md., a First Offender) Extreme vetting is Reaching shoulder deep into The butt of a cow. (Jesse Frankovich) Story's a bust! Trump Didn't hide King's statue — jeez! (Though it whispered, "Please?") (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Wanted to find God, To be filled with holiness. Tried acupuncture. (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) Good Old Boys' Network, Consider yourself Warrened: We shall /all/ persist. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) To defend your boss, Just cite "alternative facts." Do it the Conway. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Kellyanne Conway Watched her favorite film last night. It's "The Lyin' King." (Doug Wadler, Potomac, Md.) So much vile discourse. Perhaps President Trump should Try Bannon-free speech. (Seth Tucker) Homer caught his son idolizing Steve Bannon: "Not very bright, Bart!" (Kevin Mettinger) If Kingsley, Kendrick Married, then separated: A Ben-Anna split. (Leslie Horne, Greenbelt, Md.) He is on Twitter Every night at 3 a.m. A clockwork orange. (Jesse Frankovich) The Senate vets Trump's Nominees: Another day, Another dullard. (Chris Doyle) Utah coffins made For the naked and the dead By Mormon Nailer. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) This past November Two paths diverged in a wood. We chose psycho path. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) Hair-raising era, For sure, but take heart: Never Do Cheetos prosper. (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.) Why invite the strife Of a husband or a wife? Don't altar your life. (Max Gutmann, Cupertino, Calif.) Spokesman Sean Spicer Set the time for his briefing: It's at Truth-Hurty. (Doug Wadler) If flowers stand for Love, why then is every bloom Armed with a pistil? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) If you've got a job At Customs Enforcement, you'll Need a heart of ICE. (Duncan Stevens) /He Bought the Farm /Farmer Brown, he drowned, Corpse stuck in the manure pit, Forever in turd. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Frederick Douglass is Even greater now than when he was dead. Thanks, Trump! (Frank Osen) Anthony Weiner And Trump both get in trouble Sending out edicts. (Seth Tucker) /Hail and Farewell /"I'm the Grim Reaper. It's midnight. Time's up at noon. So halve a nice day!" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Thank goodness we have Judicial balances to Issue a reign check. (Jesse Frankovich) Oh, snap, Steve Bannon! You've got white supremacists Rolling in the heils. (Chris Doyle) A vegan mess hall? Army cooks serve soy patties? Call it TOFUBAR. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) How low can he go? Trump's focus is not on high, It's in debasement. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Morning joe wrecked by Civet disobedience: It pooped decaf beans. (Pete Morelewicz) /I Came, I Saw . . . Oops!/ Caesar misconstrued What the soothsayer had said: "Flee market today." (Beverley Sharp) Impersonating Groucho Marx, Bob had the right Clothes, but no cigar. (Leslie Horne) Now this can get ink! I bowdlerized the bad words — It's in-f-able. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday night, March 6: Our contest for new words you can discover in a word-search grid. See bit.ly/invite1216 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1218, published March 12, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1214 winners: InaugurAlchemy — the speech rearranged Plus new for Week 1218: Our perennial 'Mess With Our Heads' bank-head contest Installing Alexa, the "new interior secretary." See our perennial Mess With Our Heads contest below this week's results. (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment March 9(Click here to skip down to the week's new contest, Mess With Our Heads) In Style Invitational Week 1214* we invited you to pluck some of the 1,400-odd words from the newest president's inaugural address and rearrange them to make some wildly fake quotes, or any other writing. Many of the entries offered lines from an alt-inaugural speech. The Empress thanks Loser Gary Crockett for running the final entries through a validator he programmed to catch any ineligible words (he did find a few). 4th place: *"I will be a just and reasonable president* to all of our citizens: Americans on the right, Americans on the far right, Americans on the radical right, and Americans striving to transition to the right or who promise to do so in an oath of total allegiance. Not so much to people in poverty, people from Washington, D.C., or anyone to the left of President Bush." (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: *What is it like to be a Washington National?* Many victories throughout the years, but never winning the Big One. With each historic fail, miseries and carnage. So much unrealized promise! Men, your time for success is now — it must be! Because in two years, when the magnificent young power fellow in right leaves to become very rich in another city, we will have to rebuild. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Stick this decal to your car window and you'll at least LOOK like a Loser. 2nd place and theturtle figurine made from cow manure : *"What is going on? There are no people here.* Did I get the time right — or is it tomorrow? There should be many people here. Many, many people! It is too empty! "IS ANYONE HERE??? "I cannot accept this! Here is a different reality: "Trillions and trillions of people assembled for my ceremony." (Elaine Lederman, Strasburg, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *"Thank you, Chief Justice, stand there for a moment.* People! Did you get a good look at this old Bible? Lift it for us. What is up with that, by the way? Is it from the Goodwill? It's, like, all brown and totally in disrepair. Flush it and get a magnificent new one with a little shine — expense it! All right, you can salute, Roberts. Now, out of here!" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Addressing down: honorable mentions *"I promise you, we will eradicate all other countries from the face of the earth. Right here and right now, we will transfer all other countries to space, and the American people will be the rulers of the world for many, many years to come, with love to guide us along the way." (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *"I do not want this job.* Bring back President Obama and first lady Michelle Obama right now." (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) *"My administration will build tunnels from Nebraska to Detroit, put highways in the ocean, and fill D.C. with leaves. What for? I do not think it matters. We will have a good time doing it." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *"In the new America I decree,* all women will be young and beautiful tens." (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) *"Thank you, Michelle and President Obama,* it's good to be here right now, because back at your home, at great expense, I have a group of foreign women doing a ceremony that has infused your old room with an ocean of not very pleasant body by-products." (Frank Osen) *"Take a look at these hands!* No way, no how are women complaining about what I bring to the party, I can tell you that." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *"On the left and the right, have no fear,* Yes, the time of our friendship is near, We can love and not fight, It will all be just right, When we do the good drugs I have here." (Mark Raffman) *"President Obama, you are magnificent.* Your triumphs will be remembered. President Bush left many, many challenges and hardships for you and your victories and triumphs will not be forgotten. There is no room for prejudice in America. Your courage and goodness left America strong. Thank you." (Julie Kehrli, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) *"Can we talk? The first lady is constantly complaining* about this small living space. Honestly, it has potential. I want to rebuild it into the likes of which the world has never seen before. Understand — not anything too much, merely glorious and magnificent." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Across America, tens of millions now face great pain from the success of a small, unstoppable group that no one likes. Their victories are stolen, and righteous people dream of a time when we will be free from the miseries of their winning, over and over again. I speak, of course, about the Patriots. (John Hutchins) *The Patriots are winning so much now.* A total success. But who likes these people? No one! They are just like small women to us. Sad. (Mary Kappus, Washington) *President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush and President Obama assembled:* "Should we tell the new one about our special group? That we get together all the time and enjoy ourselves?" "Do we have to? We will have to constantly hear complaining about how we let the nation fail, but 'THIS administration will rebuild and have America thrive again.' " "Honestly, it's not very gracious, is it?" "Get this: Michelle and I did not flush when we left!" (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *"In a shuttered room, I have the dream again,* that one in which I am struggling, trapped in a harness, while Michelle steps on my hands and there is a voice: "Small! Small!" "¦ It's all right, Chief Justice Roberts is going to get the orderly." (Frank Osen) *"What is another way to make America great again?* Lift my totally ripped, wonderful body across the sky and have millions of people — workers, families, children, politicians, the military — salute it. Everyone will remember this glorious day. I tell you, it will be beautiful. It will be historic. I promise, it will be like God's born again." (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *"Is anyone even watching that?* It should be 'Sad-today Night Live'!" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) /And Last: Trump enters The Style Invitational/: *"Everyone but you will think this is great.* Only you stand in the way of my triumph. But you are not a righteous lady. For too long you have deprived me of victory. I will be forgotten no longer. The American people are looking for you to tell the public that I win! Understand, my winning is a MUST." (Drew Bennett) (Actually, that one isn't really last: At the bottom of this column, past the new contest, is one more inking entry, truly a tour de force: By Mike Burch of Nashville, it amounts to a full alt-inagural address in itself, running more than 700 words — half the length of the whole original speech. Wow.) And this week's new contest . . . *WEEK 1218: MESS WITH OUR — OR ANYONE ELSE'S — HEADS* *Our new interior secretary (Washington Post headline) /Newest Alexa model can be implanted directly into the brain/(fake bank head) *Donald Trump vs. the Food Snobs // (New York Times) /Ketchup, Shallot-Infused Bearnaise Sauce Fly in Dining Room Kerfuffle Over Steak Condiments/ // Have you noticed that The Washington Post has almost entirely done away with the old-fashioned, elliptical "Dog Bites Man" headline style? Now, in print as well as online, headlines are likely to be full, grammatical sentences (sometimes two sentences) that better explain the point of the story and catch the reader's interest. That's a great benefit to both the articles and the reader — but not to the Invite's perennial contest to misinterpret ambiguous headlines. So the Empress deigns this week to let the Loser Community range farther afield: Reinterpret (or comment wryly on) a headline appearing in The Post (print or online) or another publication and dated March 9-20 by writing a bank head, or subtitle, *as in the examples above from March 6. Note that those real headlines are in the "label" format, with just a subject and no predicate, like a book title; you'll often find them atop essays and reviews. Please give the source and date for the headline so we can verify it. What counts as a headline? Can you use just part of one? The E covers these and other ground rules in*The Style Conversational*, her weekly supplemental column, at bit.ly/conv1218* (published late Thursday afternoon). *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1218 (all lowercase). *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a nifty decal for your car window that makes it look as if a golf ball has smashed into it — complete with half the golf ball. It's reusable, too. Donated ages ago by Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win the yearned-for "This Is Your Brain on Mugs" Loser mug (or its future replacement) or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 20; results published April 9 (online April 6). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . "InaugurAlchemy" in this week's results headline is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Duncan Stevens. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *Still running — deadline Monday night, March 13: our contest to combine two businesses and name the result.See bit.ly/invite1217 And now, the amazing Alt-Inaugural Address, created only from words used in Trump's inaugural address, and written using the "royal 'we' " (meaning "I"): God bless America for a great national effort to carry out the orderly and peaceful transfer of power to the magnificent president who now controls our nation's capital, our government, our country, our citizens of America, and the people of the world. January 20th, 2017, will be remembered forever as the day the president and politicians prospered. We now seek to impose our way and will on everyone. At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the Establishment (our Party). Thank you! As president, we will determine the course of America and the world for many, many years to come. It is our glorious destiny, as rulers, for the people to be controlled by our government. God bless you American people for transferring your power, wealth and all your glorious freedoms to Our administration. Thank you! And God bless America because today's ceremony has a very special meaning. The Bible tells us how good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in prejudice against struggling families all across our land and the world. They are infused with the breath of life by the Almighty Creator, but we will get the job done, by destroying the civilized world as we eradicate life from the face of the Earth. We promise challenges, hardships, ravages, carnage, pain, fear, striving, complaining, closed borders, urban sprawl, mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities, rusted-out and shuttered factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation, America's infrastructure fallen into disrepair and decay, an education system flush with cash but which leaves young and beautiful students deprived of all knowledge, subsidized armies of other countries, the very sad depletion of our military, the miseries of disease, and the crime and the gangs and the drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much unrealized potential. From this day forward, a new vision and crucial conviction will govern our land. From this day forward, it's going to be only white America first, wealthy America first. These are the just and reasonable demands of a righteous people and a righteous public. A new national pride will stir us, but not to love, goodness, courage or justice. Americans, you came by the tens of millions to become part of this historic movement, the likes of which the world has never seen before. Fellow Americans, for your gracious aid, we thank you! This moment is your moment; it belongs to you. It belongs to everyone gathered here today on these steps and everyone watching all across America. This is your day. This is your celebration of your president and Protection Chief. Starting right here and right now, you will be protected by a totally unstoppable God: your president! We will unite radical Islamic terrorism, so that we all bleed the red blood of patriots, together. Now arrives the hour of action: we must think big and even bigger! We are transferring power to a small group in Washington, D.C., that has reaped the rewards of government while the people have borne the cost. At the center of this movement is military strength: Confront! Fight! (They spent trillions and trillions of dollars overseas: the wealth of the American middle class has been ripped from their homes and then redistributed all across the world. We've defended other nations' schools for their children while refusing to defend our own.) Look up at the night sky. For too many of our citizens, a different reality exists: black or brown. Their American dream stops right here and stops right now! So to all Americans in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, from ocean to ocean, hear these words: We assembled here today are issuing a new decree to be heard in every city, in every foreign capital, and in every hall of power. We are one nation. /Their/ dreams are /not / our dreams. And their success will /not/ be our success. Their victories have /not / been our victories. Their triumphs have /not / been our triumphs. We share one heart, one home and one oath: an oath of allegiance I take today to all rich Americans. You will never be ignored again. Your voice, your hopes and your dreams will define our American destiny. Together we will make America great again. Thank you! (Michael R. Burch, Nashville) ====================================================================== WEEK 1219, published March 19, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1219: Cast your Bred here — a new 4-line-poem contest Plus the winning 'so X that Y' jokes, and introducing our new Loser Mug Your mug here? It's our fourth and latest Loser Mug design for third- and fourth-place finishers, designed once again by Bob Staake. The slogan "You Gotta Play to Lose" is by Loser Roy Ashley. (Design and photo illustration by Bob Staake/for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment March 16 at 11:01 AM(Click here to skip down to the inking "he's so X that Y" jokes) *my name is Cow,* *and wen its nite,* *or wen the moon* *is shiyning brite,* *and all the men* *haf gon to bed — *i stay up late.* *i lik the bred. — Sam Garland, a.k.a. Poem for Your Sprog The sometimes mystifying social community Reddit has been enchanted hundreds of times over by Sam Garland, a postdoctoral student who took to posting comments on a wide variety of others' Reddit posts — in the form of rhyming poems. Last October someone posted an amusing anecdote about a cow that had made her way into the kitchen of a re-created French fortress and started licking all the loaves of bread — and Sprog responded with the faux-Chaucerian doggerel above. Almost instantly, according to the website Know Your Meme, "i lik the bred" sparked a new genre, with parodies and similar verses popping up all over Reddit and Tumblr blogs, in topics ranging from kittens to Tudor history. So let's Invitize it: Write a Lik the Bred verse about someone in the news lately.* For our own purposes, here are the parameters: Flip the switch on the bottom of the 2-inch-long Kreep-E and it whirs and sort of scurries around. That's it. What, you expected a silver medal? "— It begins with "My name is . . . "* or some other first-person introduction. "— It ends with "I [verb] the [noun]."* You may substitute "we" for "I," and "a" or "my" for "the," etc. "— It consists of four rhyming lines,* A-A-B-B (Sprog breaks them into eight, but we will probably use a four-line format to save space). Thirty-two syllables total. "— The meter is strongly iambic:* ba-DUMP ba-DUMP ba-DUMP ba-DUMP. (My NAME is COW . . . ) "— The spelling /may/ be faux Middle English but could also be modern; the Empress hopes to run both types. Either way, the verse shouldn't be a slog to read. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1219 (all lowercase). *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a brand-new Kreep-E, *a two-inch-long, bright green electronic insectoid that scurries around with "realistic bug movement." Well, it at least vibrates a lot. Donated by Loser Nan Reiner, who no doubt, like the Kreep-E, "self-corrects when flipped." *Other runners-up win the new mug announced today or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 27; results published April 16 (online April 13). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Roger Dalrymple. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *AND 'SO' WIT WAS WRITTEN: REPORT FROM WEEK 1215* In Week 1215 the Empress sought one-liners of the form "X is so Y that . . ." Once again, she didn't tell the Loser Community to sling gibes at our president, but once again, those are what mostly were slung, big league. Perhaps a dozen entries offered that Trump is so self-centered that he thought the song was about him. 4th place *The Trump White House is so brazen,* it's offering foreign donors a night in the Putin Bedroom. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place *My friend from Weight Watchers is so competitive that she always halves what I'm halving. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 2nd place and the toilet-shaped mug : *Donald Trump's hands are so tiny,* the women he grabs don't even notice. (Brian Allgar, Paris) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *My chiropractor is so unscrupulous,* he charges Paul Ryan the same price as people who have backbones. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) So close, yet so far: honorable mentions *"The Bachelor" is so fixed,* it ought to be called "The Gelding." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Kellyanne Conway's been so quiet lately* that Richard Simmons is asking what's happened to her . (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *President Trump's skin tone is so unusual, nothing rhymes with it. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *John McCain is such a bold, independent-thinking maverick,* he complains about Trump's nominees before voting for them. (Duncan Stevens) *Political correctness has gotten so out of control* that the last time I ordered French toast at a diner, a millennial at the next table jumped up and started screaming, "Cultural appropriation! Cultural appropriation!" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Donald Trump is so great. *#totallyriggedStyleInvitationalclaimsIbroketherules #aftereverythingIvedoneforthePost #suchanastyempress (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *The crowd was so huge at Trump's inauguration* that the Park Police considered setting up a second Porta-John. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Kim Jong Un is so paranoid that his food taster has a food taster. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *America's lawyers have been getting so much love* for their help fighting the immigration ban, cabbies are giving them free rides to chase ambulances. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Mitch McConnell is such a negative guy* that his bobblehead shakes its head no. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) *The insult was so trivial that even @realDonaldTrump wouldn't respond to it. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *The movie was so awful* that everyone in the theater stopped texting to watch in disbelief. (Hildy Zampella) *Trump is so out of shape,* he gets tired in conversations with foreign officials just pressing their buttons. (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.) *Donald Trump is so reckless* he asked Kim Jong Un to pick him up at the airport. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) *Canadians are so angry about Trump's travel ban,* they are asking politely that it be repealed. (Mark Raffman) *Donald Trump is such an inept fascist,* he can't even make Metro run on time. (Mark Raffman) *The Old Woman in the Shoe had so many kids,* she had to learn to multi-tsk. (Chris Doyle) *President Trump is so self-absorbed,* he thinks the word "meme" has two syllables. (Jesse Frankovich) *Chuck Norris is so tough, his shower floor is strewn with Legos. (Chris Doyle) *The Democrats have been so shut out of the governing process, they're writing letters to their congressmen. (Dan Helming) *The suspect's rap sheet was so long that the police had to print it on the back of a CVS receipt. (Hildy Zampella) *Kids are so ungenerous these days that mine always want me to pay them back every time I borrow a couple hundred dollars for beer and cigarettes. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *Facebook is so polluted with political vitriol* that my friends who voted for Trump and RUINED OUR COUNTRY (HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW) don't even pay attention to my posts anymore. (Mark Raffman) *Donald Trump's hands are so large* that his skin has to stretch really thin to cover them. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) *Betty White is so old* that when she says she saw "Hamilton," she saw Hamilton. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) *The night was so dark,* democracy died . (Jeff Hazle) *Your Mama's been used so much* that even this contest doesn't want to touch her. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Keira Knightley is so thin*, she could pass as Monday's Washington Post. (Kevin Dopart) *The Style Invitational's readership is comprised of people so nitpicky* that they've already mentally corrected the first part of this sentence to "composed of." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) /And Last: / The Empress is so objective that she reads entries with a blindfold on. (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, March 20: our perennial Mess With Our Heads contest to reinterpret headlines. Seebit.ly/invite-1218 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1220, published March 26, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1220: O pedantry, O pedantry — send us your quibbles Plus the winning neologisms 'discovered' in a word search grid "Love me with all your heart? I think not. Permit me to explain ..."(Bob Staake/For The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment March 23 at 10:35 AM Follow @PatMyersTWP (Click here to skip down to the winning word-search neologisms) /Whenever a woman tells me that she loves me with all her heart, I patiently explain that the heart is an autonomic blood pump incapable of emotion, and that her statement is therefore without meaning. No woman has made that mistake with me twice/. (Joseph Romm) /The expression "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose" is woefully inaccurate. There is no physical barrier to picking the nose of another person. The barrier would be one of social acceptability. A more accurate statement would be "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you MAY not etc." / (Jamie Eckman) For this week's second prize, a lowercase-loser mug. (society6.com) Those ever so helpful clarifications arrived via Style Invitational Week 330, in the summer of 1999. That contest was inspired by those less imaginative pedants who pointed out incessantly that the next century would not start on New Year's Day 2000, but on New Year's Day 2001. Eighteen years later, nobody cares anymore when this century started (okay, maybe /you /do) but surely there's plenty to faux-quibble about that would make even confirmed acunerds (see today's Week 1216 results) roll their eyes (but how can they roll with so much connective tissue around the iris?). This week: Give us some humorous pedantry*, as in the examples above. Don't make them any longer than those; shorter ones are welcome. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1220 (all lowercase). *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a tall black-and-white ceramic travel mug with a picture of a flying saucer and the text "GET IN LOSER." The Empress, who believes passionately in the importance of commas, interprets that line in a way perhaps not intended. Donated billions and billions of years ago by the In Loser Brendan Beary. *Other runners-up win our new "Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 3; results published April 23 (online April 20). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . "Witty-griddy" in the headline was sent by both Jesse Frankovich and Stuart Rogers, the honorable-mentions subhead by Beverley Sharp and Jeff Contompasis. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The word search grid used for Week 1216; the highlighted "piglav" and "reggy" were the contest examples. (Grid constructed at puzzle-maker.com ) *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *THE WITTY-GRIDDY: WINNING WORD-SEARCH NEOLOGISMS* **In Week 1216 we presented the randomly constructed word search grid above, and asked you to "discover" words by snaking a line through adjacent letters, in any or every direction. The coordinates before the entries mark the first letter; you can trace the word on the grid from there. 4th place: *B-4: DORKRIDER:* A guy wearing a leather jacket on a Segway. (Bruce Johnson, Churchton, Md.) 3rd place: *L-11: LIAGRA:* "I'm only taking it to make it better for YOU." (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) 2nd place /and the Toilet Tunes electronic keyboard mat :/ *J-4: SEMICOM:* A punctuation mark denoting the briefest possible pause between totally random thoughts. "I'm so upset about losing Marsha [semicom] mmm, cupcakes! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *H-6: IMPEACHIER:* Less peachy. "The way things are going in the White House couldn't be any impeachier." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Path-illogical: honorable mentions *F-6: EPATAPH:* What they're saying now for environmental regulations. (Frank Osen) *D-8: AARPED:* Turned 50. "He AARPed on his last birthday and it wasn't pretty." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *H-5: ARFTIME:* Mid-program break at the Puppy Bowl. (Frank Osen) *I-5: FAMELIT:* Books "authored" by celebrities who write only checks. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *J-12 DIAREA: A journal documenting your every movement. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *J-13: COSAG:* Grow old together. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) *J-6: FACTTIME:* An app that's banned from all White House devices. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *J-7: ACUNERD: Someone who points out every flawed technical detail. "Acunerd Neil DeGrasse Tyson noted the incorrect constellations shown in 'Titanic.' " (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *L-9: PMS RAGE:* Non compos menses. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *N-4: ZILCCI:* What you end up when you forget to pack away mothballs along with your expensive Italian suit. (Frank Osen) *B-4: DORKKNOT*: A man bun. (Jeff Contompasis) *C-10: TYRUNT: A diminutive despot. A half-pint Hitler. A pocket Pol Pot. A mini Mao. Kim Jung Un. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Mae Scanlan, Washington) *C-16: MYMYMY:* The start of a thinly veiled rebuke from your grandmother: "Mymymy, that's an interesting choice of outfit for a funeral, dear." (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church) *C-16: MYMYMYLY:* In an utterly surprised manner. "Fancy meeting you here," Tom said mymymyly to the nude letter carrier in his wife's closet. (Jeff Contompasis) *G-13: DIYMD:* Do It Yourself Medical Doctor, by ACA Repeal. Complete with step-by-step guides on YouTube! (Sarah Jacobs, New York) *E-14: NERDPX:* The Apple Store. (Frank Osen) *F-7: PRALEAN:* Low-fat confection with "nuts," "sugar" and "cream." (Hildy Zampella) *G-3 SNOTHURST:* Country Day School for the Pretentiously Rich. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) *J-10: VIAGRA TIME:* Often follows extensive Miller Time. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *J-6: FEARFIT:* That hot new cardio regimen in which the instructor chases you around with a chain saw. (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) *J-6: FUTELLA:* A low-selling breakfast spread made of toe jam. (Ann Martin, College Park, Md.) *J-9: LARDVAC:* Liposuction tool. "Your Mama's so fat she needs the industrial lardvac." (Chris Doyle) *K-13: VIRGINN:* A lodging place that, alas, is not taking bookings. (Tom Witte) *K-9: RAT-A-TAT-A-CLICK:* The sound of an AK-47 running out of ammo. (Chris Doyle) *M-15: PLEBVIN:* Snooty French term for Californian wine (Sam Kyung-Gun Lim, Urbana, Ill., a First Offender) *A-2: HUMIN: What to er is. (Ian Graham, Orp-Jauche, Belgium) *N-5: COXID:* The opposite of flaccid. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *O-2: SHARM: What the drunk in the pickup bar thinks he has. (Tom Panther, Sharps, Va.) *A-2: HUMIDORK:* Guy who gives out cigars when his gerbil has pups. (Tom Murphy, Bowie, Md.) *P-15: BELT-IN-IN-ING:* Staying on your diet all year long. (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.) *Q-3: TERMMOIL:* We'll have plenty of this the next four years. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) *S-3: WETI: The Abominable Rain Man. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *F-2: NO-INK REINCE:* The White House chief of staff fails to impress the Empress of The Style Invitational. (Ed Edwards, Worcester Park, England) *Still running — deadline Monday night, March 27: Our contest for "lik the bred" poems. See bit.ly/invite1219 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1221, published April 2, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1221: Who's kidding whom? Give any two people a child Plus 'Brrr, Grrr & Fryes' and other winning hybrid businesses The child of Richard Nixon and Miss Manners will compile a People Whom We Will Decline to Invite list. That's an inking entry by Brendan Beary from our 2003 contest. (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment March 30(Click here to skip down to the winning combined businesses from Week 1217) *The child of Richard Nixon and Miss Manners will compile a People Whom We Will Decline to Invite list.* (Brendan Beary) *The child of Carmen Miranda and John Nash will be fruitful and multiply.* (Peter Metrinko) *The child of Imelda Marcos and Dr. Seuss would collect mukluks, galoshes and gillies and high-tops, and also some moccasins, chukkas and flip-flops.* (Mark Hagenau) A sign of good breeding: This week's second prize, an electronic chipmunk. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Here's a contest that we seem to have done only once before, long ago — in fact, it was one of the last contests posted by the Empress's predecessor, the Czar, before he went off to spend more time with his family at the end of 2003. And more than 13 years later, it could use some fresh names. **This week: Take two people from history, past or present, and tell what their child would be like, as in the examples above from Week 533. New this time:* In 2003 we insisted that the parents be one male and one female; this time, same-sex unions are fine with us. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1221 (all lowercase). *Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a larger-than-life fuzzy toy chipmunk that, powered by the battery inside, wiggles its limbs and tail and makes chipmunk sounds. It's really actually very cute, unless you don't like toy-chipmunk sounds. Found by the Empress somewhere she doesn't remember. *Other runners-up win our new "Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 10; results published April 30 (online April 27). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Pun of your business" is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *PUN OF YOUR BUSINESS: THE CORPORATE MERGERS OF WEEK 1217* In Week 1217 we asked you to combine two or more types of businesses and name the hybrid. Approximately 1,600 groaner puns later, the Empress cuts the ribbon on the following joint ventures. 4th place: A store that sells ice cream, pets and cowboy boots: Brrr, Grrr & Fryes* (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 3rd place: Home protection service/celebrity hairstylist:*A Mighty Fortress/ Scissor God (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the Potty Basketball set: Comedy club/medical insurer: Yomamacare* (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: A Vietnamese soup joint with a travel agency on the side: Pho Getabout* (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Limited partnerships: honorable mentions Basketball court/cinema/AC repair: Net, Flicks & Chill (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) Tanning salon/hair salon: Turn You Red & Coif* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) An art supply store below a toupee shop: Brushes Under the Rug* (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Bakery and juice bar: Roll With the Punches (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.; Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) Battery store with Mediterranean coffee shop downstairs: Anode on a Grecian Urn (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.) Casino that offers EMT training: Aid and a Bet (Mark Calandra, Sudbury, Mass., a First Offender) Gun store/funeral home: Bloodbath & Beyond (Holly Saunders, Bethesda, Md.) Fashion boutique/smoking cessation clinic: Clothes but No Cigars *(Jesse Frankovich) Hydraulic engineering firm/workout space: Dammit Gym* (David Friedman, Santa Clara, Calif.) Life coach/Jewish deli: What Am I/ Chopped Liver (Amy Harris) Middle Eastern fruit market and fortuneteller: Dates With Destiny* (Jesse Frankovich) Otis Elevator Co./U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement: Lifts and Separates (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) Animal shelter/law firm: Boxers or Briefs?* (Hildy Zampella) Psychics/abortion-activist fundraisers: Seers and /Roe/ Bucks (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) A Victoria's Secret with an optometrist on the second floor: Eyes Up Here!* (Lee Graham, Washington) Repo service/growth removal: Seize and De-Cyst (Jesse Frankovich) Vietnamese noodle restaurant/Vietnamese nail salon: Pho Toe-Finish* (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring) Meditation center/ packing supplies: Better Oms and Cartons (Chris Doyle) A funeral home that rents out unused rooms to tourists: Dead & Breakfast: The Snoretuary (Tom Witte) Climbing equipment/lingerie: The High and the Nightie (Mae Scanlan, Washington) A tobacco shop, health spa and travel agency: We've Got Chew, Calming and Going* (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Bookkeeping firm/motel cabins: Sums and Shanty Evenings (Amy Harris) Cattle barn cleanup and urinal sales: Moo Goo/ Guy Pan* (Frank Osen) Mosque/minicar track: Allah/Kart (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Clothing store/public toilet: Getup & Go* (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Dermatologist/leather crafter: Warts & Awl (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.; Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Heavy-duty hosiery/personal security/family planning clinic: No Runs, No Hits, No Heirs (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Houseplants/fundraising events: Fronds With Benefits (Jesse Frankovich) Italian restaurant/funeral parlor:*Pastaway (Becky Fisher, Madison, Wis.) Masonry supply/Breitbart News headquarters: Brick & Mordor* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Mattress store/weight-loss clinic:*U-Snooze, U-Lose* (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Metal refinery/casino: Smelt It, Dealt It* (Alison Candela, Rockville, Md.) Milliner/fitness center: Cap 'n' Crunch (Larry Gray) Off-track betting parlor/spay-neuter clinic: They're Off! (Larry Gray) Orthopedist and Cuban restaurant: Slings and Arroz (Mark Raffman) Proctologist's office/kitchen remodeler with a big storefront window: *See-Colon-Backsplash* (Danielle Nowlin) Seminary/riding academy:*Sermon on a Mount (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Ski school and weight loss center: Downhill Fast* (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) Truck rentals /language academy: U-Load Sixteen Tongues (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Skin care/home sales: Repeel and Replace (Annette Green, Lexington, Va.) Sleep clinic/ WWF promoter: The Yawn & the Wrestlers (Larry Gray) Tibetan monastery/Spanish restaurant: The Lamas & the Tapas* (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) Trump boutique/apiary/landscape service: Ivanka-Bee-A Lawn (Becky Fisher) Lumberyard/CIA safe house: Woodstock & Snoopy* (Danielle Nowlin) Stump removal/Museum guide training: Chipper by the Docent* (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) Ice cream maker/computer repair: Sorbet/The Geek* (Holly Saunders) Realtor/escort service:*Land, Ho (Duncan Stevens) A performance arts emporium combining Elvis memorabilia, theater production, "Lord of the Rings" costumes, and busking lessons: Presley, Stage, Toes Hairy and Mime* (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday night, April 3: our contest inviting you to be comically pedantic. See bit.ly/invite1220. ====================================================================== WEEK 1222, published April 9, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1222: Foaling around 23 times over It's our annual horse name 'breeding' contest; plus 'Mess With Our Heads' winners Horse Fly x Always Dreaming = Pigs Fly. But dozens of Losers WILL get ink in Week 1222. (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment April 6(Click here to skip down to the winning bank heads of Week 1218) *Horse Fly x Always Dreaming = Pigs Fly* *Irap x Talk Logistics = Jay Zzzzzzz* *Gummy x Takeoff = Goo Bye! This year, four weekends from now, marks the 143rd annual running of the Kentucky Derby. And this weekend marks the 143rd — no, it only /seems /that many — the 23rd annual Style Invitational foal-naming contest, usually our most heavily entered of the year. At the bottom of this column is a list of 100 of the more than 400 racehorses nominated for this year's Derby, Preakness and Belmont; your job is to "breed" any two names and name the "foal"* to reflect both of them, as in the examples above. (We know, every one of them is male and some are gelded.) As in actual Thoroughbred racing, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces,* but one or more of the characters may be punctuation marks or numerals. You may run words together, but the name still should be easy to read. Make sure you spell the original horse names correctly* in your entry, or the sorting program devised for the Empress by Loser Jonathan Hardis might toss it into the virtual manure pile. Please use the "Name A x Name B = Foal Name" format in the examples. As always, you may send as many as 25 entries. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1222 (all lowercase). The winner of the Derby gets $2 million, but /our /winner gets the *Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, apropos of our mating contest, "Leading Youth to Abundant Life,"* a genuine 1934 hardcover book (it's dated 1936 by one early owner) intended as a manual for religious-school teachers; it advises, for instance, how to deal with a girl who has been "reading Bible passages which deal with sex relationships." *Other runners-up win our new "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 17; results published May 7, the day after the Derby (but online May 4, so you can follow our winning horses). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results and the honorable-mentions subhead are both by Jesse Frankovich. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column --published late Thursday afternoon — discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *NEWS QUIPPINGS: THE WINNING BANK HEADS OF WEEK 1218* *Week 1218* was the latest running of our venerable Mess With Our Heads contest; this year, entrants could select a headline from any publication dated March 9-20 and add a bank head, or subtitle, that either reinterprets it or comments wryly. 4th place: /Washington Post headline: / Tillerson appears to give ground during visit to Beijing* / Fake bank head:/Chinese officials debate meaning of bag of dirt as a diplomatic gift (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) 3rd place: /Post:/ March is a time of madness, vasectomies* /Fake bank: /Which explains why the top seeds often don't make it through (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) 2nd place and the golf-ball-into-window decal : /New York Times: / Letter From Foreign Policy Experts on Travel Ban / Bank: /'F' (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /Post: / Can we be civil enough to save democracy?* / Bank: /"%&$#@ no!" agree libtards, wingnuts (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) THE OUTER BANKS: HONORABLE MENTIONS *The White House serves up a red herring *President puts ketchup on everything (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Person arrested on White House grounds after scaling fence* Rex Tillerson fails again to get meeting with Trump (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) *Senate votes to ditch standing rules* Members may sit during national anthem, lie anytime (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Flynn Was Paid to Represent Turkey During Campaign* President signs executive order banning Thanksgiving (Steve Price, New York) *As a New Relationship Is Tested, Turkey Keeps High Hopes for Trump* Spicer still defending boss's erratic behavior (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *White House fence-jumper in secure zone for 17 minutes* President announces contest to rename 'secure zone' (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase Md.) *Trump's Foreign Policy Doctrine* Surprisingly detailed document uses all 140 characters (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *President Trump, the king of flip-flops* Wasting away again in Mar-a-Lago-ville (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) *For His Supporters, Nothing Has Changed* Still Size 42 Small (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.) *Picking pockets* Euphemism for 'nostrils' fails to increase social acceptance (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Staples to close 70 more stores* Cash-strapped retailer has no money for padlocks (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) *Trojans Blitzed by Barrage of 3-Pointers* Greek soldiers spring from gift horse, attack with tridents (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Why we're unlikely to find any Russian ties in Trump's tax returns Because they're made in China (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Fox's rabies test is positive, police say* Hannity, O'Reilly found foaming at mouth, as usual (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) *Art of Empathy* Long-lost 'Canterbury Tales' chapter centers on kindly but boring character (Steve Honley, Washington) *Eight OTs almost were not enough* Local pastor delighted in turnout for Bible study class (Chris Doyle) *Republicans may keep focus on leaks in Russia hearing* Even /they/ want to hear stories about the hotel hookers (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Cuba advances, will face Israel next* Scientists stunned by turbo plate tectonics (Andy Schotz, Frederick, Md.) *Report: U.S. lacks system for spotting, defusing homegrown extremist threats* Electoral college is ineffectual, researchers find (Dave Matuskey) *Grain Mixed, Livestock Higher Cattle ranchers blame stray seeds from neighboring pot farmers (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *New Commander Returns to Fold* Retired pilot decides he prefers paper airplanes after all (Beverley Sharp) *Kids Free With Select Packages (from a hotel ad) Amazon Prime offers choice of tykes — with two-day shipping (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *U.S. pushes China on North Korea Massive bulldozers deployed to bury hostile country (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Massive scale of CIA's digital efforts revealed* Agency has given the finger to 127 countries, document shows (Chris Doyle) *Uber drops tool used to thwart regulators* Company says fired lawyer was 'too annoying, even for us' (Mark Raffman) *Coalition air strikes hit record* World cheers as final Tiny Tim LP is destroyed (Lynne Ann Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) *Purple Line construction faces more delays* Harold still can't remember where he put crayon (Dave Matuskey) *Confused by Redskins meltdown? Use this handy translation Daniel Snyder = [expletive deleted] (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *Barack Obama is picking UNC to beat Duke in the NCAA title game* Ex-prez selects 2 teams from large swing state out of sheer habit (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *Canada moves slowly on pot* Cellphone ban considered for public toilets (Larry Carnahan, Peabody, Mass.) *D.C. plans a statue of Barry* Bitch Construction Co. to set up the monument (Ira Allen) */And last:/ Human exploitation to the nth degree* Self-styled Empress takes advantage of Invite contestants, Amnesty charges (William Kennard) */And even laster:/ Trump budgets for a dumber, dirtier America* Federal funds to underwrite Style Invitational-based curriculum for junior high (Jeff Hazle) *Still running — deadline Monday night, April 10: our contest to describe the child of any two people in history. See bit.ly/invite1221 . *THE 2017 STUD FARM* These 100 horses were drawn from a list of more than 400 Triple Crown nominees published by drf.com; "breed" any two and name the foal for Week 1222, above. First: Do the Empress — and yourself — a favor and . . . "— Don't "breed" two names and use a third name from the list for the "foal."* People do this every year and never get ink because it's just too easy to do. And just two horses at a time, please. (We're just romantic that way.) "— Don't number your list of entries. Numbers at the beginning of a line will give fits to our name-sorting system. You'll have to count to 25 on your 25 fingers. "— Type each entry on a single line. This is essential. If you have the parents' name on one line and the foal on another, little Junior is going to get lost from the parents when we do The Big Sort. Remember, use this format: Horse A x Horse B = Foal Name "— Observe the 18-character limit, including spaces and punctuation marks.* In other Invite contests, the Empress has occasionally given ink to an entry that didn't technically fit the rules, if it was especially clever or funny. But there's no give on the letter limit on horse names — it's part of the challenge. (For a printable three-column list, click here. ) *Action Everyday* *Adorned* *Adulation* *Always Dreaming* *American Anthem* *Archimedes* *Arklow* *Baseline* *Battalion Runner* *Bee Jersey* *Big Gray Rocket* *Blueridge Traveler* *Bobby Abu Dhabi* *Bonus Points* *Bronze Age* *Caucus* *Caustic* *Classic Empire* *Classic Rock* *Cloud Computing* *Comma Sister* *Confederate* *Convict Pike* *Dangerfield* *Divisor* *Downhill Racer* *El Areeb* *Excavation* *Excitations* *Fact Finding* *Factorial* *Fast and Accurate* *Fillet of Sole* *Foggy Night* *Girvin* *Glacier* *Gorgeous Kitten* *Guest Suite* *Gummy* *Gunnevera* *Haul Anchor* *Hence* *Hey Mike* *Hieroglyphics* *High Frequency* *Horse Fly* *Hot Dad* *Iliad* *Industrialist* *Irap* *Irish War Cry* *It's Your Nickel* *J Boys Echo* *Just Move On* *Local Hero* *Lookin at Lee* *Made You Look* *Malagacy* *MarchToTheMusic* *Master Plan* *McCraken* *Midnight Pleasure* *Mo Town* *My Blue Heaven* *No Dozing* *No More Talk* *One Liner* *Pat on the Back* *Patch* *Petrov* *Pollock* *Practical Joke* *Rapid Dial* *Resiliency* *Rowdy the Warrior* *Run for the Cup* *Running Mate* *Solo Saxophone* *Sonneteer* *State of Honor* *Stone Hands* *Takaful* *Takeoff* *Talk Logistics* *Tapwrit* *Term of Art* *The Hardest Way* *The Stranger* *The Walk* *Three Rules* *Thunder Snow* *Timeline* *True Timber* *Tunnel Vision* *Untrapped* *Vanish* *Vending Machine* *Warrior's Club* *Whole Lotta Luck* *Wild Shot Source: bloodhorse.com ====================================================================== WEEK 1223, published April 16, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1223: WaPo again seeks to mislead public! Write a sensationalist headline for a mundane story; plus winning 'lik the bred' verses "JETS INTERCEPTED NEAR NYC FIVE TIMES THIS WEEK!" Russell Beland's sensationalist headline for a sports story in 2003. (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment April 13(Click here to skip down to the winning "lik the bred" poems) *JETS INTERCEPTED NEAR NYC FIVE TIMES THIS WEEK!* /New England 21, New York 17 /(Russell Beland) *ZOMBIES FOUND IN BALTIMORE HOSPITAL!* /Johns Hopkins has cut back on medical residents' 90-hour workweeks./ (Jane Auerbach) Rearrange your identity any way you like with Jesse Frankovich's hand-crocheted set of coasters, this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *DEATH TOLL HITS 152 AT AREA PARKS!* /Howard County sponsored a deer hunt./ (Tom Witte) It's truer than ever that nobody reads a newspaper story topped by a boring headline. Each week these days, The Post's Gene Park sends out an in-house memo citing "5 great WaPo headlines" that engage the audience and provoke curiosity. So let's give Gene some material that would certainly do those things — to a comical fault: In a contest we haven't done since 2003: Write a humorously sensationalistic, misleading headline on an otherwise mundane article or ad published in The Post or elsewhere from April 13 to April 24.* Obviously, we can't run the article itself, so you'll have to sum up the article in a single concise line* as in the examples above from Week 537, the Empress's second contest ever — or else your joke will fall flat. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1223 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a handsome set of little coasters spelling out L-O-S-E-R (or, if you prefer, E-R-L-O-S or 118 other permutations), crocheted expressly for The Style Invitational by super-Loser Jesse Frankovich, a man clearly of many talents. *Other runners-up win our new "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 24; results published May 14 (online May 11). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . "Pun-leavened 'bred' " in this week's results headline is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *PUN-LEAVENED 'BRED': HOT 'LIKS' FROM WEEK 1219* In Week 1219 we introduced to the Invite "lik the bred" poems, based on the faux-Chaucerian verses posted in various comment threads on Reddit by postdoctoral student Sam Garland, a.k.a. Poem for Your Sprog . While insisting on the Sproggian 32 syllables in iambic meter, the Empress allowed real modern English along with the fake Middle, and for four longer lines as well as eight little ones. And the poems had to refer to someone in the news. 4th place: i be Paul Ryan.* I muste do whate'er the Donald wants me to condonne his lies and cede controlle, i kepe my jobbe. i loos my soulle. (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) 3rd place: I'm Donald Trump. * To build my wall, I need more cash, A massive haul. But I'm so smart, To fund my deals I scrap the Wheels; I steal the Meals. (Brian Allgar, Paris) 2nd place /and the Kreep-E electronic bug:/ I am the Fox;* I spin the New. I scorn and spurn and warp the true. I careth not wat I may tel: I mayk it uppe. I mayk it selle. (Graham King, Fife, Scotland, a First Offender) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: My name is Neil* And Merrick's his. Like me he's smart, A legal whiz. But he stayed home And I went far, 'Cause he's a D And I'm an R. (David Lewis, Charlestown, Ind.) Canterbury Fails: honorable mentions *Marine Le Pen I me appelle.* For liberté I ring ze bell. And if you're blanc, égalité — but if you're noir, you go ze way. (Brian Allgar) My name is Bryce,* who plays in ryte, Home runs I hitte, with ample myte, In two mor years, when I be Yank, With pins for strypes, I brayke the bank. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) My name is Dev.* I work in House. I shield the Prez while Dems all grouse. Now Nancy P. says I'm his "stooge." One thing is clear: I screwed the poodge. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) My name is Paul.* My planne was thicke: It said, "Tough lucke!" if you get sick. My planne has met An Epick Faile. I slinke away. I tucke my taille. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) I'm Vladimir* and every day I hack your mail, read what you say. I doff my shirt at every chance, but when with Trump I wear the pants. (Maria Zimmerman, Berryville, Va.) My name is Sean.* I have no couthe. I know not falsehood from the truthe. For myne is not to reason why: They give me jobbe. I sell their lye. (Nan Reiner) My name is Sean,* and every day I meet the press and dodge away And pepper folks with false attacks, 'Cause that's my job—I spice the facts. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) My name is Jeff,* a sutherne beau, And wen I eat an Oreo, I never take a mingled byte — I lothe the blak; I lik the whyte. (Jesse Frankovich) My name is Ben,* a top MD, But HHS was not for me, An "urban" post was in my blood, (Or skin, perhaps) — I lead the HUD. (Mark Raffman) *'BBC Dad' Robert Kelly* My name is Dad; I'm on the air; My kids barge in 'cause they don't care. Of all things to go viral for — Next time I Skype I lock the door. (Claire Walsh, Herndon, Va., a First Offender) My name is Faye; I'm Warren's friend. We make big goof At Oscars end. Not "La La Land" But "Moonlight" shines — Yet one more time I flub my lines. (Brendan Beary) My naem is Dan ,* I owne this teem That seems to lak Som selfe esteem. Sinse nynety-three Lyke som olde grouch I'v watch'd the Bowl Wyle on me cowch. (Frank Mann, Washington) My name is*Kellyanne the Mouth; My spotlight time is headed south. My feelings hurt, I cry out "Ouch! Please keep me on! I love the couch." (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) My name is Don,* and wen I see A lovlee ladee next to mee I just start kissing — wye seduce? Don't even wayte. I grab the poose. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) my name is Trump* and wen its nite, or wen the moon is shiyning brite, and all the men haf gon to bed — i stay up late and tweet insane and racist conspiracy theories, stupid insults about Meryl Streep, lame complaints about "SNL" and "Hamilton", ignorant claims about U.S. allies, anti-Semitic graphics from white supremacist websites, vague threats directed at various American businesses . . . (Shannon Bartlett Kizer. Beaverton, Ore.) *And last: a loozer,* i; for inke i yearne. badde joakes i lov; goode tayste i spurne. my entrys have sutch witte and snappe, weeke inne, weeke oute, i winne mutch crappe. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va., who hath wonne at least 68 items of crappe so far) *And even laster: My nam is Pat,* an Empress I; my poem laws can mistifye. But stil they draw the stabbes of fools. They'l get no inke, I mak the ruls. (Scott Ableman, McLean, Va., a First Offender) *Still running — deadline Monday, April 17: our 23rd annual horse name "breeding" contest. See bit.ly/invite1222 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1224, published April 23, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1224: We beg you to differ — our compare/contrast contest Plus winningly pedantic observations from Week 1220 The difference between the White House visitor logs and a kale-and-blueberry smoothie ... (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment April 20(Click here to skip down to the winning pedantry from Week 1220) The difference between the White House visitor logs* and a kale-and-blueberry smoothie:* Both are likely to produce some unsavory stuff, but we'd still like to see what's going down inside the White House. *The White House visitor logs are like a left sock with a hole in it: *You can cover them up, but eventually a rotten smell is going to make itself known. It's adult-size, of course. Brag about your achievements in this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *--April the giraffe* *--A flight on United Express* *--A golf cart ride at Mar-a-Lago* *--Lunch with Mike Pence* *--Beyoncé's vocal cords* *--MOAB* *--A pink knit hat* *--A response by Sean Spicer* *--A self-driving car* *--A left sock with a hole in it* *--A ham and cheese sandwich* *--World War III* *--The past five Style Invitational contests* *--An intentional walk* *--Easter Bunny ears* *--A vacation in space*| *--The 50-yard line at FedEx Field* *--The White House visitor logs *--A kale-and-blueberry smoothie* It's been more than a year since our last installment of our hardy perennial (or sometimes more-often-than-ennial) compare-and-contrast contest. This week: Explain how any two (or more) items on a list are the same or different, or otherwise connected, as in the examples above. The Empress is keeping her fingers crossed that four weeks from now, we'll still be able to joke in the abstract about World War III. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1224 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the lovely and exuberant fuchsia "I Pooped Today!" T-shirt pictured here — in an adult size, of course. Donated by 138-time Loser Barbara Turner, who did not provide any information about her daily successes. *Other runners-up win our new "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, May 1; results published May 21 (online May 18). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Quibbles 'n' Wits" for this week's results was submitted by both Tom Witte and Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . Speaking of pedantry: The Empress bet Bob Staake she'd get complaints that in Week 1221, he drew Richard Nixon as a lefty. The E was shocked to lose. (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post ) And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *QUIBBLES 'N' WITS: PEDANTIC ANTICS FROM WEEK 1220* **In Week 1220, we asked you to be comically pedantic in correcting or clarifying some statement or voicing some peeve. Yes, dozens of people, we also noted that despite its name, The Style Invitational is open to any old loser, and that it is notably lacking in you-know-what. 4th place: Since*toilet paper is rarely used to wipe a toilet (alas!), I always refer to it as toilet-user paper. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) 3rd place: I've always found that famous scene from "Last Tango in Paris" highly troubling: Parisians in the 1970s bought their butter in blocks, not sticks. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the UFO mug labeled "Get In Loser" : I am amazed at how many otherwise intelligent people will say, "*It goes without saying that . . . ." When I need to convey that concept, I express it in mime so I don't look like an idiot. (Seth Tucker, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Diamonds turn into graphite in considerably less time than forever — in fact, at 4,000 degrees Celsius and 1 atmosphere pressure, almost immediately! That's why, on our next big anniversary, I plan to give my wife a No. 2 pencil. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) More's the petty: honorable mentions Each time my pregnant wife complains that she is nauseous, she is correct in a different way from what she intended. "Nauseous" refers to something that /causes/ nausea, and as you can imagine, her repeated misuse of that term always makes me a little sick to my stomach, i.e., nauseated. But most mornings I sensitively refrain from correcting her. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) I firmly refuse to RSVP* to any invitation: It's /Répondez s'il VOUS plait"/ — "if it pleases YOU." I will, however, send a JRPMP: /Je réponds parce-qu'il ME plait/ — "because it pleases /me."/ Actually, I've done that once, some years ago, but I am waiting for a second opportunity. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) A steak that is "well done"* is quite the opposite! It is dry and flavorless, rather than juicy, dark pink and 135 degrees Fahrenheit. In place of the traditional five levels of steak doneness, diners should specify "under well done," "well done," "past well done," "overdone" or "ruined." (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) It is absolutely possible to "have your cake and eat it too."* In the context of foodstuffs, "have" is a synonym for "eat," as in "let's have pizza for dinner" — and at any rate, one inevitably "has" anything one consumes, even if only briefly. The sensible way to say it is "Once you eat your cake, you no longer have it available." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) I have found two separate articles in The Washington Post in the past three months that say Trump's proposed policies would make "foreign imports*" more expensive. Unless one of those policies is to change the interstate commerce clause of the Constitution, there will continue to be only one kind of imports here. And you wonder why people have lost respect for the media. (Kevin Dopart) Earth is only sometimes the*"3rd Rock From the Sun."* As the moon orbits Earth, it is closer to the sun about half the time, thereby making Earth the /fourth/ rock from the sun. Come to think of it, there are also thousands of asteroids that are closer to the sun, so really that show was pretty dumb. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) No, I'm sorry, I don't have a Kleenex.* I do have some facial tissues manufactured by another corporation. But since you seem hellbent on using one particular brand name, it appears you're out of luck. Gesundheit. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) How on earth is "Mary, Mary"* acting "quite contrary" in the nursery rhyme? If she really were, she'd answer "How does your garden grow? with "None of your business — and get off my lawn." (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) Why would anyone say "heat up"*? Can you heat in any other direction? I used to say "heat sideways" for melting ice or boiling water, but that was just a phase I was going through. (Kevin Dopart) "Pardon me, Mr. Tech Support Genius, but when I put my mouse on the X* in the upper right corner of the screen and left-clicked, it didn't close the window. However, when I used my mouse to move the mouse pointer to . . ." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) When someone boasts of making a*"quantum leap"* in a project, I always say, "Well, keep trying." Because a quantum of something is the smallest possible amount. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) Do you have any idea how far ahead you need to schedule someone to come out to clean your pool?* I'm supposed to believe some guy just shows up at a woman's door to do the job? Jeez, who comes up with the plots for these pornos? (Hildy Zampella) *Still running — deadline Monday night, April 24: our contest to write lurid headlines for mundane news. See bit.ly/invite1223 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1225, published April 30, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1225: The Ideas of March — give us slogans for the march of your choice Plus winners for our contest to describe the child of any two people from history(Bob Staake/For The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment April 27 at 9:47 AM (Click here to skip down to the winning "children" from Week 1221) It's not clear how much effect last weekend's March for Science will have on the current administration — budget director Mick Mulvaney said of federal climate science programs, "We consider that to be a waste of your money to go out and do that" — but one thing is certain: There were a lot of great protest signs. "Think While It's Still Legal." "What do we want? Evidence-based science! When do we want it? After peer review!" The mascot of the Georgia GOP? This week's second prize, an elephant made from peach pits. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) "Got Polio? Me Neither. Thanks, Science!" And a picture of Planet Earth with the slogan "I'm With Her." But surely scientists aren't the only community that can step up wittily for its cause. This week: Suggest a march for some group or field, along with one or more slogans. (You might also, or instead, comment on the march with some pertinent wordplay.) Be sure to Google your slogan to make sure it's not all over a bunch of T-shirts already. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1225 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a perhaps unique figurine of an elephant made mostly from varnished peach pits. Donated by Ur-Loser Elden Carnahan. *Other runners-up win our new "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, May 8; results published May 28 (online May 25). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . "The Ideas of March" was a comment by Loser Diane Wah in a Style Invitational Devotees thread about a pondered March for Math. "Putting on heirs" in the headline for this week's results was submitted by both Jon Gearhart and Jeff Contompasis; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . In Week 1221 we asked you to muse upon what the offspring of any two people through history (or fiction) — this time including same-sex couples — would be like. 4th place The child of Michelangelo and Banksy would paint the outside of the Sistine Chapel. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 3rd place The child of Donald Trump and Steve Jobs would be happy to grab your PC. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 2nd place and the animatronic chipmunk: Fifty percent of people would love the child of Ray Romano and Ted Cruz. * (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: The child of Paul Simon and Henry VIII could recommend 51 ways to leave your lover. (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) Bland parenthood: honorable mentions The child of William the Conqueror and John James Audubon would publish the Victorious Egret catalogue. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) The child of Benito Mussolini and Britney Spears would be a train wreck that runs on time. (Jim Derby, Rockville, Md.) The child of Paul Ryan and Bob Vila would tear out all your plumbing fixtures, put an outhouse in your backyard, and call it a huge improvement. (Duncan Stevens) The child of Jared Kushner and Caitlyn Jenner would reinvent the federal government, bring peace to the Middle East, defeat ISIS, oversee construction of a border wall with Mexico, replace the Affordable Care Act, and win the Olympic decathlon as both a man and as a woman. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The child of Manute Bol and Patty Hearst would be tall, dark and ransomed. (Dave Matuskey) The child of Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway would definitely /not/ be named Oscar. (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) A son of The Donald and Elizabeth Barrett Browning would spend all his time counting the ways he loved himself. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) The child of Paul McCartney and Annie would sing "Today." (Duncan Stevens) The child of Mr. T and Gordon Ramsay will pity the food. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The child of Mick Jagger and Roberto Durán would gather no más. (Dave Matuskey) The child of Roberta Flack and Vladimir Putin will kill you softly with his polonium. (Michele Uhler, Fort Washington, Md.) The child of Mike Tyson and Vladimir Putin would take a bite out of Crimea. (Dave Matuskey) The child of Michael Flynn and Jenny McCarthy will never expect immunity. (Kevin Dopart) The child of Scott Joplin and Levi Strauss would go from rags to britches. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) The toddler child of Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway* would have to wear fireproof Pull-Ups. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) For the child of Lazarus and Donald Trump,* death and taxes wouldn't be certain. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) If a child had been born to William Strunk and E.B. White,* they would be he or she. (Dave Matuskey) The child of George Gallup and Frank Luntz will be bipolar. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) The child of Marcel Marceau and Norman Bates would keep mum. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) The child of Prince and Jeffrey Dahmer would be a purple people eater. (Leigh Giza, Bristow, Va.) Any children Mike Pence had with Greta Garbo* would want to be left alone, but with a chaperon. (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) In the delivery room, after the birth of their seventh child, Ron Popeil would encourage Nadya Suleman* by shouting, "But wait, there's more!" (Seth Tucker, Washington) The child of Archimedes and Paul Simon would find 50 ways to love his lever. (Chris Doyle) I'm afraid that the child of Cleopatra and Ronald McDonald* would have asp-burger syndrome. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Neal Starkman, Seattle) If Donald Duck married Annie Oakley,* their kid would be a quack shot. (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.) The child of Harpo Marx and Marcel Marceau would commit unspeakable acts. (Jeff Shirley) The child of Helen Hunt and Gregory Peck* would be a great actor but a slow typist. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) The child of Ivanka Trump and Mahatma Gandhi would make millions of dollars selling designer loincloths. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) The child of John Nance Garner and Gaylord Perry would grow up to be a pitcher of warm spitballs. (Dudley Thompson) The child of Johnny Cash and Paul Ryan would take away your health care just to watch you die. (Robert Schechter) The child of Lucrezia Borgia and John Chapman would go about spreading poison ivy seeds. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The child of Mata Hari and Hannibal* would double-cross the Alps. (Warren Clements, Toronto) The child of Mother Teresa and Don Rickles would feed starving children and then make fun of the way they chew. (Robert Schechter) The child of Sisyphus and Mr. Whipple will be a fan of rock-and-roll. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) The child of Timothy Leary and Dick Van Dyke would always be tripping on the ottoman. (Dave Matuskey) The child of Balaam and King David* would have his ass in a sling. (Dudley Thompson) The child of Deepak Chopra and Betsy DeVos would be om-schooled. (Chris Doyle) Sadly, the child of Julian Assange and Chelsea Manning will turn out to be a chronic bed wetter. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) The child of George Clooney and Joanne Free would have a very happy mom. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) The child of Carrot Top and . . . nah. (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) *Still running — deadline Monday night, May 1: Our contest to compare any two random items on a list we supplied. See bit.ly/invite1224 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1226, published May 7, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1226: Colt Following — the winning 'foals,' and now 'grandfoals' 'Breed' any two winning names in our 12th annual 2nd-generation contest(Bob Staake/For The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment May 4 (Click here to skip down to the winning and Losing foal names) For the 12th straight year, the Empress is scandalously sending today's winning and Losing foal names from Week 1222 straight to the stud barn (or broodmare pasture, whatever) for our "grandfoal" contest. This week: "Breed" any two of the 61 foal names that got ink this week, and name the offspring to reflect both parents' names, in the style of today's inking entries. As always, the names are limited to 18 characters, but one or more of the characters may be punctuation marks or numerals. You may run words together, but the name still should be easy to read. Use the format "Name A x Name B = Grandfoal Name" (on one line per entry), and make sure you spell the "parents''' names as they're spelled here. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1226 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — apropos of our ostensibly animal-centered contest, not to mention double-entendre — the book "Boobies, Peckers and Tits: One Man's Naked Perspective." It's a memoir by one Olaf Danielson, who travels around the world observing birds in the nude (and we mean Olaf is, not the birds, though they are presumably also unclothed). A back-cover blurb describes it tactfully as an "utterly unique book." Donated by Loser Jeff Contompasis. *Other runners-up win our new "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, May 15; results published June 4 (online June 1). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; the honorable-mentions subhead was suggested separately by Nan Reiner, Frank Osen and Tom Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *GOING STEEDY: THE WINNING 'FOAL' BREEDING FROM WEEK 1222* *Week 1222, our 23rd annual contest to "breed" the names of any two horses from a list of 100 names that the Empress selected from this year's Triple Crown nominees, drew a lively field of 3,909 entries — more than 200 of them employing Classic Rock, down to just seven matings for poor Takaful. If your brilliant idea isn't included below, rest assured that it was, like 3,847 others, sent off to a nice farm. See this week's Style Conversational column for a collection of clever plays on "The Star-Spangled Banner" for various horses bred to American Anthem, in addition to the four below. Otherwise inkworthy but submitted too frequently: Irish War Cry x Made You Look = Erin Go Braghless (at least 25 of this breeding); Archimedes x Factorial = Eureka!;* and *Industrialist x Term of Art = Carnegie Dali.* 4th place: *MarchToTheMusic x It's Your Nickel = The Half-Dime Show (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 3rd place: *Irap x Rapid Dial =I Like Big Buttons (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) 2nd place and the 1936 keeping-youth-moral book : *Confederate x Factorial = Jeb!* Stuart* (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Midnight Pleasure x Archimedes = Lover & Lever * (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Bred crumbs: honorable mentions *Horse Fly x The Hardest Way = Horse Fly United* (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *Untrapped x Term of Art = Too Loose Lautrec* (Steve Price, New York) *Classic Empire x Fact Finding = Chinese Checkers* (Laura Clairmont, Ashburn, Va.) *Big Gray Rocket x Archimedes =Titan the Screw (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Girvin x Midnight Pleasure = Fledowered* (Laurie Brink) *Classic Rock x Action Everyday = Eric Clap* (Jonathan Hardis) *Resiliency x Iliad = Troy, Troy Again* (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.; Beryl Benderly, Washington) *Vanish x Industrialist = Disappearing Inc.* (David Franklin,* Chicago, Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Guest Suite x Bee Jersey = Bed Bath N Bayonne* (Chris Doyle) *Classic Rock x Gummy = Haribo Diddley (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *Adulation x High Frequency = Love Hertz (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) *Always Dreaming x Term of Art =REMbrandt *(Jon Gearhart) *American Anthem x Always Dreaming = Oh Say Can You Zzz* (Michael Porcello,* Washington) *American Anthem x The Stranger=Oh Say Camus See (Mary McNamara,* Washington) *American Anthem x Cloud Computing = O Say, Can You C++* (Dion Black, Washington) *American Anthem x Caustic = Don's Surly Slight* (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *True Timber x Bee Jersey = Spruuuuce!!!* (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Takeoff x Sonneteer = Bare It Browning (Laurie Brink) *Term of Art x Whole Lotta Luck = Rubenesque Chance * (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Vanish x Term of Art = Up in Sfumato (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) *Vending Machine x It's Your Nickel = Have One Skittle (Andrew Hatziyannis, Rockville) *El Areeb x Irish War Cry = 'Ell, a Beer!* (Mark Raffman) *Sonneteer x Takeoff = Shall I Comp Thee?* (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) *Convict Pike x Comma Sister = Help a Thief! (Robert Oerter, Hyattsville, Md.) *MarchToTheMusic x Three Rules = Left Right Repeat (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Big Gray Rocket x Hence = All Systems Ergo (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Vending Machine x Running Mate = Dispencer (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.; Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *Bobby Abu Dhabi x It's Your Nickel = Emir Trifle (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) *Bee Jersey x MarchToTheMusic = Hive Got Rhythm (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) *Big Gray Rocket x Fillet of Sole = Fillet of Seoul* (Stephen Dudzik) *Classic Rock x Talk Logistics = Jethro Dull* (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.; John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *Classic Rock x Irap = Ho California* (Adil Godrej,* Manassas, Va.) *Classic Rock x Fact Finding = Baba O'Really (Jonathan Hardis) *Classic Rock x The Stranger = The Who?* (Malcolm Fleschner) *Glacier x Timeline = In a Minute Dear* (Danielle Nowlin) *Just Move On x Iliad = Walk Off Homer (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) *My Blue Heaven x Caucus = No, It's Iowa* (Dave Baumgartner,* Falls Church, Va.) *Fact Finding x McCraken = Muck Rakin'* (Mark Raffman) *Industrialist x Big Gray Rocket = Carnegie Endowment* (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) *Iliad x Running Mate = Read It and Veep* (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.) *Fillet of Sole x Dangerfield = Fish Shtick* (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) *Confederate x Practical Joke = Man Asses* (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Blueridge Traveler x Midnight Pleasure = Shenand"O"ah* (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Confederate x Industrialist = Koch-Conspirator (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Convict Pike x Iliad = Felon of Troy (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *Classic Empire x Irap = Et Tupac?* (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *Bonus Points x Irish War Cry = Bonus Pints* (Brian Halbert,* Ashburn, Va.) *Comma Sister x Practical Joke = Punk'd-uation (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.; Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Confederate x Petrov = Ruble Yell (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Big Gray Rocket x Sonneteer = Bomb Bard* (Mary Kappus, Washington) *Fillet of Sole x Excitations = Good Vibe Rations* (Dave Letizia, Alexandria, Va.) *Industrialist x It's Your Nickel = Now It's MY Nickel (John Hutchins; George Smith, Frederick, Md.) *Pat on the Back x Bonus Points = P.A.T. on the Back * (Chris Doyle) *Pat on the Back x One Liner = Congrats, Loser (Brian Allgar, Paris; Larry Passar, Reston, Va.) /*One of six First Offenders this week./ *Still running — deadline Monday night, May 8: Our contest for ideas for a new protest march and clever slogans. See bit.ly/invite1225 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1227, published May 14, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1227: Celebrate ortho-diversity! A neologism contest Plus 'Turkey Head Transplant Fails' and other juicy headlines for non-juicy articles A petuna bouquet: This week's contest is to coin a term for a life form whose name has no repeated letters. (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment May 11(Click here to skip down to the winning juicy headlines for non-juicy news) *Petuna: A flower that's a bit too fragrant. (Jeff Shirley) *Iguano: The zookeeper's least favorite reptile cage.* (Jeff Shirley) *Womant: A creature who can lift many times her own weight but won't tell you what that weight is. (Seth Brown, from a 2004 Invite contest to combine two animals.) It's been a couple of months since our last neologism contest, causing the English language to languish desperately until we saw fit to inject a couple of dozen new words into it. Our latest twist on the genre comes from Loser Jeff Shirley, who suggested this week's contest: Name and describe a new life form — and no letter in the term may be used twice, * as in the examples above. "Life form" is pretty vague on purpose; the E always appreciates creativity, and of course The Funny. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1227 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fascinating volume called "American Sex Machines: The Hidden History of Sex at the U.S. Patent Office";* it's a look at hundreds of various devices reflecting "our national quest for sexual innovation," from everything from whalebone corsets to condoms implanted with computer chips, and including some downright scary electrical gadgets. Donated by Loser John Hutchins, who swears that his Twitter handle is /not /@AmericanSexMachine. *Other runners-up win our new "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, May 22; results published June 11 (online June 8). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *PRAISE THE LURID: JUICY HEADLINES FOR NON-JUICY NEWS* In Week 1223 we asked you to tout an actual mundane newspaper story, from The Post or elsewhere, as a sensational one with a lurid-sounding headline. 4th place: *BABY BORN WITH 4-FOOT NECK IS AN INTERNET SENSATION* April the giraffe finally gives birth (Kathy K. MacDonald, Columbia, Md., a First Offender) 3rd place: *TURKEY HEAD TRANSPLANT FAILS* President Erdogan retains, enhances powers (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place and the crocheted L-O-S-E-R squares: *ROCKETS TAKE OUT ACTIVE SHOOTER Houston overcomes 51 points from Russell Westbrook to beat Oklahoma City (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *GOP CONGRESSMAN FOUND DEAD AFTER CALLING FOR PRESIDENT'S IMPEACHMENT Obituary of Lawrence J. Hogan Sr., a House Watergate Committee member who called for Nixon's impeachment in 1974 (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Extra! Extra! Honorable mentions *FORMER TERROR SUSPECTS CONVERGE ON CITY * Reunion of Japanese Americans who were interned during World War II (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *MD. CHILDREN TO BE BEATEN IN FULL VIEW OF THEIR PARENTS* Little League schedule announced (Frank Osen) *UNITED CEO DENIED SEAT CHANGE* Oscar Munoz will not get his expected promotion to chairman of the board (Seth Tucker, Washington) *POPE FOUND PLASTERED OUTSIDE VATICAN CITY!* Hundreds of posters in praise of Pope Francis appear around Rome (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *GOVERNMENT TORTURES POLITICAL OPPONENTS WITH STEEL PROBE* Trump orders inquiry into U.S. steel imports, to the dismay of free-trade supporters (Seth Tucker) *THESE STRIPPERS WILL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT RIGHT AT YOUR DOORSTEP Tips on removing paint from a concrete walkway (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *TRUMP FAMILY PAID FOR BODY PARTS IN FRONT OPERATION President's granddaughter received $10 from "tooth fairy" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *CLEVELAND MAN GRABBED, STRIPPED AND SHOT *LeBron James got 10 rebounds and two steals, scored 33 points in playoff game (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *D.C. STOOL SAMPLES REVEAL TROUBLING TREND* Seating at popular bars has become too tightly packed (Mike Gips, Bethesda Md.) *OLDER WOMEN FIND PADDLING A TURN-ON* "Rowing Lets Women Stay Afloat While Aging" (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *6-FOOT-2 MAN PUSHES 77-YEAR-OLD WOMAN* Lawrence Dawson, 80, is a fitness trainer for senior citizens (Roy Ashley, Washington) *CANDIDATE OPENS FIRE ON TV* To deflect criticism that he supports gun control, Montana Democrat shoots a television (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) *RODENTS THRIVE ON HUMAN BABY BLOOD* Study finds that plasma from human umbilical cords improves memory in mice (Kevin Dopart) *SAW-WIELDING MAN VOWS TO RIP MUSICIAN A NEW 'F-HOLE' Article about a designer of custom guitars (Frank Osen) *HEADLESS CORPSES SKEWERED, DISMEMBERED* Restaurant offers excellent rotisserie chicken (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *MANY D.C. RESIDENTS ARE WEDDED TO COUSINS!* Redskins fans want star quarterback Kirk Cousins to stay with the team (Duncan Stevens; Jesse Frankovich) *FREE*r CALLGIRLS! 18th-century paintings of Japanese pleasure districts at the Freer Sackler Gallery (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *AUTHOR STONED FOR NONTRADITIONAL BELIEFS New book offers ideas for combining yoga with cannabis (Jeff Contompasis) *MADMAN ROAMS WHITE HOUSE FOR 4 HOURS* President Trump hosts Ted Nugent for an evening at the White House, gives private tour (Seth Tucker; Jeff Contompasis) *THOUSANDS OF AFFLUENT D.C. RESIDENTS EXPLOIT MEALS ON WHEELS Food trucks provide lunchtime break for office workers (Michelle Kelley, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) *THOUSANDS SAVED FROM ICY DISASTER* Capitals fans breathe sigh of relief as they advance to Round 2 (Jeff Shirley) *IMMIGRANT GETS PAST SECURITY, STRIKES PRESIDENT Melania reminds Donald to cover his heart during national anthem (Jeff Shirley) *FOX KILLS HOUND Bill O'Reilly's show on Fox News is canceled (Seth Tucker) *STUNNING DETAILS OF HANGINGS IN UPSCALE HOTELS The latest perk: Guests discover super-luxurious bathrobes in closets (Jeff Contompasis) *LIVE VIDEO OF PRISONER GIVING BIRTH IS AIRED ON FACEBOOK WITHOUT MOTHER'S CONSENT* More about April the giraffe (Chris Doyle; Frank Osen) *HORNY STUD, YOUNG GIRL STIR PASSIONS AS HEAVY-METAL DUO The placement of Wall Street statues causes controversy (Jeff Shirley) *KINDERGARTNERS STABBED Vaccination rate at California schools increases (Gary Crockett) *GROWING CRACK PROBLEM THREATENS DANISH REGION NASA detects new rift in Greenland's Petermann Glacier (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) /And Last: / WASHINGTON POST ARTICLE PRINTED WITH 91 MISSPELLINGS Announcing the Style Invitational "lik the bred" poems from Week 1219 (Duncan Stevens; Jesse Frankovich) *Still running — deadline Monday night, May 15: our annual "grandfoals" contest. See bit.ly/invite1226 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1228, published May 21, 2017 .DemocracyDiesinDarknessStyle Invitational Week 1228: That movie is SO ab out you — 'secret inspirations' . (Click here to skip down to the compare-and-contrast winners) "There's a Girl in My Soup": Jeffrey Dahmer (Stephen Dudzik; Charlie Steinhice) "You Only Live Twice": Elvis (Russell Beland) "The Curse of the Fly": Bill Clinton (Mary Lee Fox Roe) "The Tip Off": John Wayne Bobbitt (Mary Lee Fox Roe) Back in 1998 the Empress's predecessor, the Czar of the Style Invitational, ran a contest whose angle was the rumor at the time that the romance of Al and Tipper Gore was the inspiration for the book and movie "Love Story." (Author Erich Segal denied it, but said the Harvard preppy character Oliver Barrett IV was a combination of the young Al and his college roommate, Tommy Lee Jones.) The results of Week 252 were highly topical, laden with 1998-headline names: Frank Gifford! Marlene Cooke! Michael Fay! Pamela Anderson Lee! M. Larry Lawrence! So let's give another go to this contest, now that we can use lots of people who (if we're lucky) will be trivia questions themselves 19 years from now. This week: Name someone who was the "secret inspiration" for a certain movie, as in the more lasting examples above from Week 252. The E predicts that most of the humor will come from wordplay on the movie titles, as above, but it's possible that some jokes could refer to the films' actual content. This contest is far more short-form than most Invitational contests, and we're likely to get lots of duplication among the 1,000-plus entries. So the ink will likely go to the most imaginative Losers. Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1228 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a three-count-'em-three genuine 1970s copies of "The Losers," a series of comic books about World War II antiheroes that, by the Vietnam era, had taken an antiwar perspective. (It was a later, unrelated "Losers" comic, about CIA renegades, that inspired the movie we gave out in Week 1194.) Donated by 20-Time Loser Himself Perry Beider. Other runners-up win our new "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Tuesday night, May 30; results published June 18 (online June 15). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline for this week's results was submitted by both Beverley Sharp and Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday. . The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv. This week, the Empress looks back at the movie "inspirations" from Week 252 and reminds you why everyone in 1998 got those jokes we don't get now. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . LIKEN OR NOT: REPORT FROM WEEK 1224 In Week 1224, in one of our perennial Invite contests, the Empress presented a list of 19 nouns and phrases and asked what was the same, or different, about any two of them. Too many people to credit noted that April the giraffe, being an unmarried female, would be ineligible for lunch with Mike Pence. Ding ding ding! This week, according to the voluminous statistics kept by Uber-Loser Elden Carnahan, First Offender Paul Wilmes becomes the 5,000th person ever to get ink in The Style Invitational. (And you thought the prizes always go to the same few people.) A golf cart ride at Mar-a-Lago and April the giraffe delivered the two most-followed baby boys on the Internet. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) The difference between lunch with Mike Pence and a flight on United Express: You want them to drag you away from lunch with Mike Pence. (Frank Mann, Washington) The difference between a flight on United Express and a vacation in space: Space. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) The difference between World War III and a ham-and-cheese sandwich? Stupid question! Sad! A war is tremendous, very complicated. But a ham-and-cheese — I don't even need my reading glasses to order one. I can just press this big red LUNCH button and . . . (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) The difference between a response by Sean Spicer and a self-driving car: The car can crash and burn only once. (Paul Wilmes, Minneapolis, a First Offender) April the giraffe is like a response by Sean Spicer: Both involve a gaping orifice with a foot lodged in it. (Melissa Balmain) A flight on United Express and a golf cart ride at Mar-a-Lago: Both involve a battery charge. (Mark Calandra, Sudbury, Mass.) A flight on United Express and an intentional walk: Expect each to yield a force-out. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) A vacation in space vs. a flight on United Express: In space, no one can hear you scream. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.; Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) On an intentional walk, the offensive player gets to first base; on a golf cart ride at Mar-a-Lago, the offensive player might try to get to third. (Jesse Frankovich) Beyoncé's vocal cords: "All the single ladies" Lunch with Mike Pence: "Aaagh! Single ladies!" (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) How is MOAB different from a response by Sean Spicer? The hole dug by the former is a lot easier to climb out of. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) World War III: Could cause nuclear winter. A pink knit hat: Uh-oh, a snowflake! It's the end of the world! (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) A response by Sean Spicer vs. a left sock with a hole in it: The sock would hold more water. (Jesse Frankovich) You wave four fingers for an intentional walk, just one for a response by Sean Spicer. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria; Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) I have a better chance of surviving World War III than Easter Bunny ears have of surviving me. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) World War III: apocalypse. A kale-and-blueberry smoothie: a pucker-lips. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) An intentional walk: throw 'em outside and it's first base; a vacation in space: throw 'em outside and it's burst face. (Steve Offutt, Arlington, Va.) Both Easter Bunny ears and a kale-and-blueberry smoothie taste best when made from chocolate. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) A flight on United Express is like the 50-yard line at FedEx Field: a great place to watch a kick-off. (Frank Mann) The difference between a lunch with Mike Pence and a pink knit hat: Donald Trump has never wanted to grab a lunch with Mike Pence. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) A kale-and-blueberry smoothie is antioxidant, while a self-driving car is anti-accident. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg; Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.; Annette Green, Lexington, Va.) A kale-and-blueberry smoothie: Lots of antioxidants. World War III: Lots of anti-Occidents. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Jesse Frankovich) Good things a kale-and-blueberry smoothie are all the antioxidants; bad things about a vacation in space are all the oxy-accidents. (Gary Crockett) April the giraffe vs. a response by Sean Spicer: Even with complications, the giraffe has a smoother delivery. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) A response by Sean Spicer and the 50-yard line at FedEx Field: At both, you'll say, "Oh boy, here comes the offensive line." (John Holder, Rock Hill, S.C.) A flight on United Express vs. World War III: I'm sure that Donald Trump is savvy enough to avoid a flight on United Express. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) A pink knit hat and lunch with Mike Pence: The first allows a woman to make a statement. (Seth Tucker, Washington) An intentional walk requires four balls at the plate. A lunch with Mike Pence requires four balls at the table. (Gary Crockett) The difference between the past five Style Invitational contests and a response by Sean Spicer is that the contests are full of wit. (Jesse Frankovich) The past five Style Invitational contests are examples of a self-styled monarch bestowing favors on an assortment of Losers. The White House visitor logs, if available, would probably show something similar. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) A ham-and-cheese sandwich and the past five Style Invitational contests: In an emergency, my rabbi might approve of the sandwich. (Dave Zarrow, Reston) Still running — deadline Monday, May 22: our contest for a neologism whose letters are all different. See bit.ly/invite1227. Recommendedby CouldThisBeThe#1Trickto ReverseHearingLoss(DoThisTonight) TinyDevicetobein50BillionProductsby2020(ReadArticle) HireaPro:TheBestSolutionfor MelissaGilbertKeptThisHidden YourSmallHomeProjects DuringFilming'LittleHouseonthe Prairie' Howto 'Fix' CrepeySkin AFastWayToPayOff$10,000InCreditCardDebt Thestorymustbetold.... ====================================================================== WEEK 1229, published May 28, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1229: Gorey bits from A to Z — give us edgy alphabet rhymes Plus the winning protest slogans from Week 1225 ""‹S is for Speedo, too small for your size./ T is the Trauma you've done to my eyes." (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post, after Edward Gorey) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment May 25(Click here to skip down to the winning protest slogans from Week 1225) *S is for Speedo, too small for your size. T is the Trauma you've done to my eyes.* /(Rob Pivarnik)/ *U is the Umpire, whom fans like to boo, V is the Vampire, who wants to suck, too.* /(Mark Raffman) / *Y is for You, and your what/when/where/how; Z is for Zuckerberg; he owns it now.* / (Nan Reiner)/ Our Bob Staake's homage to the darkly funny artist and kindred spirit. (Art and design by Bob Staake) This week, for the third time in Style Invitational history, we salute *"The Gashlycrumb Tinies," Edward Gorey's little faux-Victorian alphabet picture book, created in 1963 and composed of rhyming A-to-Z couplets about various grisly demises of various children (e.g., "E is for Ernest who choked on a peach/ F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech"). The humor in our Invite versions — from 2008 and 2013 — tends to be less morbid but more timely, so that's one reason to bring it back; we'll have lots of new folks to stick it to. But the real reason is that we have the Perfect Prize to give to, no, not this week's winner but to second place: It's this poster advertising the upcoming "Gorey: The Documentary," a film by Christopher Seufert that's still in production. And it's designed by none other than our own Bob Staake, a fan and former Cape Cod neighbor of Gorey, who died in 2000. *This week: Send us one or more edgy rhyming alphabet-primer couplets,* as in the examples above; the pairs are AB, CD, EF, GH, IJ, KL, MN, OP, QR, ST, UV, WX and YZ. Feel free to send couplets for all 13 — as usual, you can send 25 entries in all — but make sure each couplet works on its own; you'll have to publish your full set yourself. See this week's Style Conversational (published late afternoon Thursday, May 25) at bit.ly/conv-1229 for the earlier results and for more about Gorey. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1229 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, * the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we come out with a new design. Second place receives the Gorey poster. *Other runners-up win our new "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 5; results published June 25 (online June 22). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jon Gearhart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *FAUX WEIRD MARCH: TOP PROTEST SIGNS FROM WEEK 1225* In Week 1225, in the wake of the Women's March and March for Science, we asked for some other ideas for marches, along with some ideas for protest signs. 4th place: The March to Support Team Sports: *We Are the 110 Percent!* (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 3rd place: The Luddite March: *Stop Thinking About Tomorrow!* (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) 2nd place and the peach-pit elephant : The March to Support Feline Rights: *Cat Lives Matter, Matter, Matter, Matter, Matter, Matter, Matter, Matter, Matter* (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: The Million Middle Managers March: * If It Were Up to Me, I'd Say Yes (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) March midness: honorable mentions Signs at the Parents' March: "Knock it off right now or we'll turn this country around!"* *"We're not angry, America. We're disappointed."* *"You've really done it now, Administration! This is your last warning! I mean it this time!"* (Sarah Jacobs, New York) At a march protesting the Trump administration: *Agent Orange: Destroying Vegetation in 1967, Destroying Democracy in 2017* (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) At a march supporting (or "supporting") the Trump administration: *Resist (Melissa) McCarthyism: Support Spicer *"No one Ever Saw Andrew Jackson's Tax Returns!" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Trump/Douglass 2020! (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.) At a march against defense spending: *Say No to the Arms Race/ Say Yes to the Alms Race (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) At the March for Redrawing State Borders: *Please Mess With Texas (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) At the Zombie Rally for a Sustainable Harvest: *A Brain Is a Terrible Thing to Waste* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) At the 540 Billionaires March: *I Sleep Quite Well at Night* (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) At the March for Physics Education: *I'm Ohm-Schooled* (Chris Doyle) At the March for Anarchy: *So Why Are We All Walking in the Same Direction? (Mark Raffman) Palindrome Enthusiasts March for Impeachment: *What do we want? No Don! When do we want it? Noon!* (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) To support funding for public broadcasting: *(Support for this march comes from the John T. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, from Lumber Liquidators, and from Viewers Like You.)* (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) *Amalgamated Picket Sign Painters Local 537 on Strike! Our Placards Were Produced by Filthy Scab Labor* (Elliott Shevin) The March for National Reform of Marijuana Laws: *I'm With Herb The March for Polygamy: *I'm With Her and Her The March to End Binary Gender Assumptions: *I'm With Zir* (Seth Tucker, Washington) The Rally for Regularity (a.k.a. The Push for Poo, a.k.a. The Bowel Movement): *Hell No, We Can't Go! *Love Your Enemas* *This Two Shall Pass* (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *We're Not Taking This Sitting Down!* (unfortunately)" (Edward Gordon, Austin) The March for Exotic Dancers: *Twerkers of the World, Unite!* *We Have the Best Pole Numbers* (Jesse Frankovich) The March for Standup Comedians: *Shtick Up for Better Pay* (Roy Ashley, Washington) The Million Preteen March: *Leave Us Alone! We Can March by Ourselves!* (Kathleen Cross, Silver Spring, Md.) The March for Organ Donation: *Can't We All Just Get a Lung? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Please take note at the March for Safety: *Marchers shall wear high-visibility jackets over their life jackets, and shall stay on the sidewalk; that is what it is there for. There shall be no placards, lest one of them puts someone's eye out . . . . (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) For the March for Metrorail Funding: *Hey, We're Gonna Be Walking Anyway! (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.; Mark Raffman) *Hey hey! Ho ho! Drsclsng ffrt nxx torp metter sinnaa. Bing bong! (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) For the Zero Population Growth March: *Life Was So Much Easier Without All You People* (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis) The Millionth Man March, just one guy with a sign hiking up Pennsylvania Avenue: I'm Him!* (Bird Waring) *Still running — deadline Tuesday night, May 30: our contest for "secret inspirations" for movie titles. See bit.ly/invite1228. ====================================================================== WEEK 1230, published June 4, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1230: What in creation? Give us some divine plans. Plus the winning 'grandfoals' of Week 1226(Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment June 1 // (Click here to skip down to the winning "grandfoals") [creating octopus] GOD: Give it 8 super strong arms & hands ANGEL: uh, we're out of bones. GOD: 8 weird floppy arms w/ suction cup things(@huntigula on Twitter) *[creating bees] *Put a needle on its butt. "Come on, God, wha—" Make its puke delicious. (@themiltron, a.k.a. Horny Rae Jepsen) *[making bats]* GOD: just like a hairy black potato with wings ANGEL: um GOD: ANGEL: god? GOD: also it sleeps upside down like an idiot A squeezable (throttleable?) plush strep bacterium, this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) (@tricycle_champ, a.k.a. Jackson) *A thing on Twitter a couple of years ago — hey, for the Empress, that's a blink of her rheumy old eye — was a flurry of tweeted mini-dialogues on God Creating Stuff. BuzzFeed compiled some of the tweets last year, including the pseudonymous ones above, and Imperial Scion Valerie Holt alerted the Empress recently. This week: Supply a brief monologue or dialogue about a Creator's specifications or planning for some living being, as in the examples above. Since the Invite doesn't have Twitter's strict space limitations — and because the Empress has this thing for punctuation and readability — please spell words out, use standard punctuation and capitalization, etc.; once we publish this week's results, you can tweet your entry however you like. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1230 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we come out with a new design. Second place receives, in the spirit of Why?? creations, a cute plush Streptococcus pyogenes microbe, a.k.a. Sore Throat, donated long, long ago by Used to Do the Invite All the Time Paul Kondis. *Other runners-up win our new "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 12; results published July 2 (online June 29). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was sent in by both Jon Gearhart and Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *FOALED AGAIN! THE GRANDS OF WEEK 1222 In Week 1222, back in April, we presented (for the 23rd time) a list of horses nominated for the year's Triple Crown races; you got to "breed" any two names and name the "foal" to reflect both names. "ƒThen when the results ran four weeks later, it was time for Week 1226 ,* our 12th annual "grandfoal" contest, in which you bred any two of those winning foal names. Here they are, from among 2,000 entries: puns on top of puns. 4th place: *Eureka! x Fish Shtick = You Reeka!* (Dave Letizia, Alexandria, Va.) 3rd place: *All Systems Ergo x I Like Big Buttons = No, Mr. President! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2nd place and the memoir of a nude birder : Bomb Bard x Fillet of Seoul = Jong-Un Foolish* (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Too Loose Lautrec x Eric Clap = Tool-Ooze Lautrec (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) The Reekness: honorable mentions *Horse Fly United x Love Hertz = Now Horse Rent Car* (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) *Erin Go Braghless x Titan the Screw = Nip & Torque* (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Horse Fly United x Shall I Comp Thee? = No Thanks I'll Sue (Rebecca Simmons Poppe, Hampton, Va., a First Offender) [it may be a first for Ms. Poppe, but as Rebecca Simmons, she won a runner-up T-shirt in Week 159, back in 1996] *REMbrandt x Don's Surly Slight = Dutch Tweet* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Erin Go Braghless x The Who? = Mamnesia (Tom Witte) *All Systems Ergo x Man Asses = All Systems Ego* (George Smith, Frederick, Md.) *Erin Go Braghless x Baba O'Really = Bust but Verify* (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Oh Say Can You Zzz x Bed Bath N Bayonne = Sleep W The Fishes (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.; Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *Ho California x Bare It Browning = FiftyShadesOfTan (Betsy Riley, Damascus, Md., a First Offender) *Ruble Yell x Bed Bath N Bayonne = Vladimir Linen* (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.) *Disappearing Inc. x Help a Thief! = Going Going Goniff (Chris Doyle) *'Ell, a Beer! x P.A.T. on the Back = Two-Pint Conversion (Andrew Hoenig) *Eric Clap x Bare It Browning = Wonderbra Tonight (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) *Eric Clap x Ho California = LayLA (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Help a Thief! x Ho California = Aiding & Abedding (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.; John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *In a Minute Dear x Oh Say Can You Zzz = Marital Bliss (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) *Jeb! Stuart x Man Asses = LookAwayLookAway* (Rob Huffman) *Troy, Troy Again x Love Hertz = I Really Aikman* (Stephen Dudzik) *Muck Rakin' x No, It's Iowa = Manure Rakin'* (Sara Jay) *Horse Fly United x Disappearing Inc. = BoeingBoeingGone!* (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *Fillet of Seoul x Help a Thief! = Gangnam Steal* (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) *Good Vibe Rations x Fish Shtick = The Belch Boys (Michael Rosen, New York) *Eureka! x Don's Surly Slight = Vacuums Suck!* (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *Punk'd-uation x Disappearing Inc. = Comma Chameleon* (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.; Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) *Ho California x Shall I Comp Thee? = Trick or Treat* (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) *No, It's Iowa x Man Asses = Des Loines (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.) *Spruuuuce!!! x Oh Say Can You Zzz = I'm a Slumberjack (Stephen Dudzik) *Rubenesque Chance x Walk Off Homer = TheFatLadySwings (Chris Doyle) *Troy, Troy Again x Ruble Yell = Trojan Hoarse (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *Erin Go Braghless x Man Asses = Ann Teat 'Em (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *Man Asses x Muck Rakin' = I Can See 4 Piles (Chris Doyle) *Left Right Repeat x Congrats, Loser = Peri-pathetic* (Mary McNamara, Washington) *Fish Shtick x The Who? = Hard of Herring* (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) *Fish Shtick x Carnegie Endowment = It Was This Big (Harvey Smith) *Don's Surly Slight x O Say, Can You C++ = Clod Computing* (Chris Doyle) *Felon of Troy x REMbrandt = Plunder&Whitening* (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) *Fish Shtick x Good Vibe Rations = Tuna Piano* (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Bare It Browning x Rubenesque Chance = My Vast Duchess* (Laurie Brink) *Koch-Conspirator x I Like Big Buttons = TrumpOrdersAKoch* (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Emir Trifle x Man Asses = Sheikh Yerbuti* (Mark Raffman) *Bonus Pints x 'Ell, a Beer! = IPA Lot* (May Jampathom) /And Last:/ Congrats, Loser x Have One Skittle = Next Week's Prize* (David Ballard) /We'll give ink to more grandfoals (plus original foals from Week 1222) next month when the Empress is on vacation./ *Still running — deadline Monday night, June 5: our contest for "Gashlycrumb Tinies"-inspired alphabet couplets. See bit.ly/invite-1229 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1231, published June 11, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1231: TankaWanka 3 Haiku with a little extra. Plus winning 'life form' neologisms.(Bob Staake/For The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment June 8 // (Click here to skip down to this week's winning neologisms from Week 1227) *Trump got elected! The keys to this nation sit In his tiny hand. But will he be defeated By the stuff he has tweeted?* It's time again for our own variation on the ancient Japanese poetic form called tanka, which is pretty much like haiku with two more lines tacked on, for a total of five still-little lines. The Invitey twists that make it a TankaWanka: a current-events subject and — sorry, but we can't get enough — rhyme. You're guaranteed to be the focus of the party with this week's second prize (dweeb not included). *This week: Write a TankaWanka about something that's been in the news lately. The poem must consist of five lines of 5, 7, 5, 7 and 7 syllables in that order. And at least two of the lines must rhyme, as in the example above by Willy Wanka, a.k.a. Gene Weingarten, The Style Invitational's Pooet Laureate. You may add a title, perhaps quoting a news headline, if it helps the reader understand what you're talking about. *Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1231 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we come out with a new design. Second place receives a prize we've given out at least twice before, one we've enjoyed at Loser social events, for obvious reasons: It's the *Basket Case Headband Hoop Game, in which some ping-pong-ball-size foam basketballs are tossed into a net suspended over someone's noggin by the means of said highly dweeby Headband Hoop. Donated by Loser Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up win our new "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 19; results published July 9 (online July 6). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for the results is by Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *FLORA & FAUXNA: THE NEOLOGISMS OF WEEK 1227* The neologism challenge for*Week 1227* was to coin a new life form whose name — in the spirit of genetic diversity — had no two of the same letter. An animal called the turdle* was described by many Losers, remarkably often as having orange fur. And of course there was the noisy, preening trumper swan. 4th place *Phickle:* A food that's sometimes sweet and sometimes sour. (Selma Ellis, Rolling Meadows, Ill.) 3rd place *Oldfish: A critter that has managed to stay alive for a whole week since you brought it home from the pet store. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the book about old-fashioned sex aids: *Ruskito:* An insect that not only sucks your blood, but hacks your DNA. (Frank Mann, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *D.J.T. Rex*: A carnivorous biped distinguished by its diminutive forelimbs and backward vision. (Seth Tucker, Washington) No's Ark: honorable mentions *Dogirafe:* The only canine that can fetch a Frisbee stuck in a tree. (Shani Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia, a First Offender) *Peonay: A flower that reacts to dog urine by emitting a mild electric charge. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) ** Amorel:* A fungus that could potentially burst into a mushroom cloud. (Kevin Dopart, Washington). *Begona:* Flower used for breakup bouquets. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Crankodile:* A pale, emaciated reptile found lurking around meth labs . (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Adolfin:* Mascot of the alt-right. (Frank Mann) *Flounderp:* Dumbest of all the fish. Just look at it. (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) *Gunviolets:* A kind of daisy that pushes up all over America. (Kevin Dopart) *Iowasp:* This cicada-like insect emerges in large, noisy swarms in four-year cycles. (Kevin Dopart) *Kremling:* A Russian weasel noted for its tiny paws and orange fur. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) *Mesquito:* A parasite that feeds off the neighbors' barbecues. (Duncan Stevens) *Mikajoe :* A two-headed hyena that does a mating dance for three hours every morning. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) *Spiceroy:* A butterfly attracted to Mid-Atlantic bushes, now on the critically endangered list. (Kevin Dopart) *U-tern:* Bird that flies north for the winter. (Mark Raffman) *Vladger:* Known for gobbling up its neighbors and leaving a bad smell on anyone it contacts. (Mark Raffman) *Yo'ma:* A flower that despite being exceptionally unattractive, malodorous and oversized, is pollinated near-constantly. (Seth Tucker) *E. moji:* A bacterium manifesting itself in poop, soft-serve ice cream, and a face with stuck-out tongue and winking eye. (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) *Bergil:* A small, furry rodent that'll steal your heart. And your lungs. And your kidneys . . . (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Beaglu:* A dog that never leaves your side. Literally. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Escrow:* The avian species that best feathers its nest. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) *Felis up:* A particularly aggressive species of orange tomcat. (Warren Tanabe) *Pornbush:* An almost extinct species of foliage. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Ost-rich:* A bird that buried its head in the sand and found oil. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *Pseudoryx:* A troublesome species of antelope, also known as fake gnus. (Kevin Dopart) *Rodnstaph:* A virulent yet comforting bacterium. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Shyena:* An animal that only giggles, with its paw over its mouth. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Tse fly:* An African insect and principal transmitter of the somewhat-less-than-dreaded catnapping sickness. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) *Umble python:* A snake that only eats crow. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Fleamingo:* Imagine how far this bird could jump using /two/ legs. (Ray Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) *Wombath:* The latest pet craze — because everyone likes a wombath at the end of the day. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Funkgi:* Aromatic organisms often found on unwashed feet. (Bella Portillo, Silver Spring, Md.) *Girhalf:* April's baby. (Mary Kappus, Washington) *Hefalump:* A heavily wrinkled biped often seen in the company of bunnies. (David Garratt) *Masturdon:* A lumbering, shaggy-haired mammal given to nocturnal bellows and preening shows of dominance. (Chris Doyle) *PACterium: Organism that dies quickly in the absence of money. (Mark Raffman) *Peach mint*: Some in Congress would like to send this herb over to the White House. (James Colten, Washington) *Shampire: All-talk, no-action monster. "I'm going to suck so much blood. It'll be beautiful." (Duncan Stevens) *Sycolephant:* Large animal with a long, brown nose (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.; Tom Witte) *Whombat:* Fussy, annoying creature unable to adapt to a changing world. (William Kennard, Arlington) *Tydebola*: A virus that sterilizes itself. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Melonia:* A fleshy fruit that lives in a symbiotic relationship with off-your-gourds. (Kevin Dopart) *Parsleigh:* What Gwyneth Paltrow leaves out for Santa. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *Muhel:* A rabbi who stubbornly refuses to perform circumcisions. (Roy Ashley. Washington) *Dzykfjxqugh's brown palm civet:* A small, nocturnal Asian mammal named for the renowned zoologist Thomas Dzykfjxqugh. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, June 12: our contest for short descriptions of how a Creator came up with some creations. See bit.ly/invite1230 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1232, published June 18, 2017 WEEK 1232: PICTURE THIS -- A CAPTION CONTEST Plus the winning 'secret inspirations' for movie titles(Cartoons by Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment June 15 // (Click here to skip down to the winning "inspirations" for movie titles) This week's results form a lengthy list, but at just a line or two apiece, they still don't take up much room on the page. Which means: Cartoon caption time! And as always, it's the Ever More Famous Bob Staake (rhymes with "wack") providing the drawings. This week: Write a caption for one or more of the cartoons above. *Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1232 (all lowercase). Note: Please begin each entry with "Picture A," "Picture B," etc., and follow that heading with the text of the caption on the same line. This will help the Empress sort the entries. C'mon. She did say "please." Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we come out with a new design. Second place receives a piece of history — or at least something dating back to an event that even Super Doofy Nerd Entertainment Trivia wouldn't ask about: It's a giant-size "Free Tommy Chong" T-shirt, *never used but presumably dating to 2003-04, when the stoner-shtick comedian was imprisoned (for his full nine-month sentence; clearly, someone failed to wear this T-shirt) for selling bongs on the Internet. True fact: Chong's cellmate at Taft Correctional Institution was "Wolf of Wall Street" Jordan Belfort. Don't let your chances go up in smoke to win this artifact from 2003-04, this week's second prize. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 26; results published July 16 (online July 13). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *FAKE MUSE: THE WINNING MOVIE TITLE 'INSPIRATIONS' FROM WEEK 1228* The Empress knew she'd receive a slew of entries for*Week 1228,* *a no-writing-required contest to cite the "secret inspiration" for a real movie title. Indeed, there were thousands; many entrants sent in the maximum of 25 entries. She also knew that there would be duplication; yup — see the several multiple credits below. Among those submitted too frequently for individual ink: for "Bride of Frankenstein": Ivanka Trump; for "Some Like It Hot": EPA chief Scott Pruitt; and about 20 for "Raging Bull": Sean Spicer. And there were literally hundreds of entries connecting one title or another — dozens of them — with the president. The Empress's favorites among them: "Sully" (by Edward Gordon) and*"American Sniper"* (Jesse Frankovich). See many more Trump-movies at the end of the column. * 4th place: *"The Company of Wolves": Roger Ailes* (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) 3rd place: *"The Lego Movie": Melania Trump (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 2nd place /and the 1970s "Losers" comic books : / *"How U Like Me Now?":* George W. Bush* (Seth Tucker, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *James and the Giant Peach: Former FBI director Comey and you-know-who (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Cut!: honorable mentions *"Stand and Deliver": April the Giraffe* (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) *"The Zookeeper's Wife": Sally Priebus* (Samantha Wareing, Berlin, a First Offender; Roy Ashley, Washington) *"The Silence of the Lambs": Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan* (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) *"Dunkirk": William Shatner* (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *"10,000 B.C.": Jeff Sessions (Francis Canavan, Reston, Va.) *"Girl, Interrupted": Elizabeth Warren * (Jerry Mindes, Rockville, Md., a First Offender; Seth Tucker) *"The Ten Commandments," "The Passion of the Christ" and "Gandhi": Donald Trump, of course* — R. Giuliani, New York (Seth Tucker) *"Dodge City": Sean Spicer* (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *"How to Train Your Dragon": Kellyanne Conway* (James Kruger, Rockville, Md.) *"Tango & Cash": Tom Bergeron* (Lawrence McGuire) *"Frozen": Bill Gates* (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *"The Cable Guy": Julian Assange* (Mark Calandra, Sudbury, Mass.) *"While You Were Sleeping":* Bill Cosby (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento; Kathy K. MacDonald, Columbia, Md.) *"Into the Woods": Sean Spicer (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *"From Here to Eternity": Paul Wiedefeld * (Duncan Stevens) *"Naked Lunch": Mike Pence (Duncan Stevens) *"Slumdog Millionaire": Jared Kushner *(Joel Cockrell, Damascus, Md.; Duncan Stevens) *"X-Men 2": Caitlyn Jenner and Chelsea Manning* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *"The 39 Steps": Charlie Sheen (Duncan Stevens) *"A Few Good Men": The Washington Redskins* (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) *"Monkey on My Back": Johnny Weismuller* (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *"My Life as a Dog": Bill O'Reilly* (Lawrence McGuire) *"Toy Story 3": Melania Trump (Samantha Wareing) *"Collateral Damage": Billy Bush (Dave Matuskey) *"Drag Me to Hell":* Columbus, Ohio, Chamber of Commerce* (John Hutchins) *"Eraserhead": Kim Jong Un* (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) *"Extraordinary Measures": John Holmes (Dave Matuskey) *"Fargo": Yoda* (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *"I, Robot":* Marco Rubio* (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *"Little Miss Sunshine": Ann Coulter (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *"Pennies From Heaven":* Joel Osteen* (Lawrence McGuire) *"The Nut Job": James Comey — D. Trump, Washington *"The Nut Job": Donald Trump — J. Comey, McLean, Va. (Seth Tucker) *"The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" : Brian Williams* (Lawrence McGuire) *"To Sir With Love": Paula Broadwell (Michele Uhler, Fort Washington, Md.) *"Broken Arrow": John Wayne Bobbitt (Steven Halter, Herndon, Va.) *"Remember Me": John Wayne Bobbitt (Dave Matuskey) *"March of the Penguins": Alex Ovechkin (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.; Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *"Sleepy Hollow": Ben Carson (Jesse Frankovich) *"Almost Famous": That one guy* (David Friedman, Santa Clara, Calif.) *And SOME Trump-inspirations: *The Lion King* *The Boss Baby *Foxcatcher* *Pride and Prejudice* *Don't Think Twice* *American Hustle *Charade* *Gaslight* *A Series of Unfortunate Events* *About a Boy* *On Golden Pond* *Catch Me if You Can* *Demolition Man* *Pee-wee's Big Adventure* *The Man Who Would Be King* *Trainwreck* *Believe Me* *Donnie Darko* *Leaving Normal* *Nuts* *Pinocchio* *This Is the End* *The Wiz* *Downhill Racer* *Inherent Vice* *Running With Scissors* *Why Him?* Still running — deadline Monday night, June 19: our TankaWanka (haiku with two more lines) contest. See bit.ly/invite1231 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1233, published June 25, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1233: Alphabet noir — modern A-to-Z couplets Our Bob Staake's poster for an upcoming documentary on Edward Gorey, this week's second prize. (Art and design by Bob Staake) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment June 22 // REPORT FROM WEEK 1229: In Week 1229* we once again paid homage to Edward Gorey's macabre satire "Gashlycrumb Tinies," a faux-Edwardian alphabet book that merrily described the, well, gory deaths of tots from A to Z. For the Invite, we dispense with the grisliness and instead use the alphabet-couplet form on the Invite's usual targets. 4th place *G's the Giraffe whose filmed birth was so cute; *H is Harassment* — she's just filed a suit. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place *K is for Klingon. What's that? You have /met /one? *L is for Life. I suggest that you get one. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 2nd place and the Bob Staake poster for 'Gorey: A Documentary': *G is for God-given rights, like big rifles; *H is for Health care* and other such trifles. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.,) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *I's for Inaugural* crowd, a new max!* *J is for Spicer.** (*Alternative facts) (Maria Zimmerman, Berryville, Va.) Alpha-bettered: honorable mentions *A is for Alcohol, drunk off the wagon; *B's for the Bowl of the toilet you gag in. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *C's for Covfefe,* a baffling side-splitter; *D's for Distracting* the masses on Twitter. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *C's for the Climate we change as we please; *D's for the Damage* we do by degrees. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *C is for Cosby,* who fell off a Cliff. *D is Denying all 60 — as if. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *C is for Clickbait,* "It Lived in My Ear!" *D's Drop, which your jaw will, when you [just click here]. (Frank Osen) *E is your Essay,* though someone else penned it *F is your grade,* and you're also suspended. (Paul Wilmes, Minneapolis) *G is for Gorsuch,* who cleared the last hurdle; *H is the Heist* pulled by Senator Turtle. (Jesse Frankovich) *G is for Griffin, whose Trump pic sparked chatter; *H is for Head:* it's now hers on the platter. (Mike Ostapiej) ** G is our Greatness* both here and abroad; *H is Hyperbole* (masses applaud). (Kevin Dopart) ** I's for Ivanka, with plentiful tresses; *J is for Jared, with plentiful messes. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *I is Ivanka, who works for her dad; J is for Jared* — is he working for Vlad? (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *K is for Keeping* top secrets quite safe *L is for Leaks*: why we're now seen as treyf. (Jules Minton, Beverly Hills, Calif., a First Offender) *M's Montenegro,* whose chief was just seen; *N's Nudged aside* so our boss-man could preen. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *M's Metro, whose progress is steadily slowing; *N's Nowhere,* the place I am currently going. (Duncan Stevens) *M is for Merkel and May and Macron;* *N is for None of them tweet on the john. (Chris Doyle) | *O is for Oceans,* their rising's a threat; *P's for Peninsulas* (shrinking when wet?) (Kevin Dopart) *O is O'Reilly,* admirer of loofahs;* P is for Pink slip* — good riddance, you [doofus]! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *O is for Ovi,* each season the best;* P is for Playoffs* (well, you know the rest) (Paul Elstein, Columbia, Md., who last got ink in Week 5 — in 1993) *O is for Orgasms,* loud and on cue; *P is for Phony "" they're /not/ caused by you. (Tom Witte) *S is for Spicer, who hid in the bushes; *T* is for Trump,* who grabbed more than just tushes. (Chris Doyle) *U is for Uvula, shown off while yelling; *V is for Vulva; please do mind your spelling. (David Franks) *E is for Empress,* whose health I am drinking. *F is for Flatter.* (It worked! This is inking!) (Robert Schechter) *Still running — deadline Monday night, June 26: our Bob Staake cartoon caption contest. See wapo.st/invite1232. /The "Alphabet Noir" headline was submitted independently by Kevin Dopart, Tom Witte and Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead./ *NEW CONTEST FOR WEEK 1233: ... NOT Four weeks from now, the Empress will be out surveying her far-off dominions, engaging various potentates in weird, desperately gripping handshakes. So now — but not then — the Loser Community gets a week off(actually two) from writing contest entries, and will have to find something else to do during staff meetings, sermons, romantic breakups, etc. In mid-July we'll run more inkworthy entries from previous contests. Of course the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook — now with more than 1,300 members — will be open for bantering business 24/7 at on.fb.me/invdev . *The Style Conversational In this week's column — published late afternoon Thursday, June 22 — the Empress tells about last weekend's Flushies, the Losers' 22nd annual award festivities. Check it out at wapo.st/styleconv NEXT PAGE: THE ORIGINAL LAYOUT OF THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1229, WHICH FOR SOME REASON THE POST MANAGEMENT WOULDN'T GO FOR. A's for America, she'll be great once more! B's for Big Business she'll be so great for. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) C's Contraception, in health plans no more; D's for the soon-to-be Daddies galore. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) E is for Evidence, banishing doubt; F's for what Donald may be when it's out. (Stephen Gold, London, winner of the Inkin' Memorial) G is for God-given rights, like big rifles; H is for Health care and other such trifles. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y., second place and winner of the Edward Gorey poster by Bob Staake) I is an Insult to legal professions; J is for Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) K is for Kellyanne, loyal and true; L's for the Lying she's hired to do. (Frank Mann, Washington) M is a Man-child who doesn't know squat; N is the Nuclear football he's got. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) O for our Orange-hued Oligarch, he; P for the People. What happened to We? (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla., third place) Q is for Questions that greatly unsettle; R is for Russians—they won the gold meddle. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich., fourth place) S is for Sociopath on the Stump; T is for Treason. And Turmoil. And "Thank God we escaped the clutches of that nasty woman and her emails -- hoo-boy, we really dodged a bullet there! (Nan Reiner) U is for "Ur in way over your head." V is for Vladimir. Putin. 'Nuff said? (Nan Reiner) W: the Wall, so imposing and large; X is the Xenophobe lately in charge. (David Franks, Greenland, Ark.) Y for my Yuks "" every week, I've a mint! Z is for Zero, which end up in print. (Well, not this week, Nan Reiner) ====================================================================== WEEK 1234, published July 2, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1234: Just-Not-So Stories — winning tales of critter creation Whale on a stick — because everything's better on a stick. For this week's fourth-place entry. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment June 29 // REPORT FROM WEEK 1230: In Week 1230,* we expanded on a Twitter thing from a while back in which a Creator plans one biological oddity or another. Most frequent among them in this week's entrysphere: the platypus and Donald Trump. 4th place ANGEL: So what's up with the narwhal*? GOD: It's a whale on a stick. ANGEL: But why? GOD: Everything's better on a stick. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) 3rd place *Creating black widow spiders:* GOD: The female will be a beautiful glossy black with a fetching red hourglass figure on her abdomen. ANGEL: Splendid — how lovely the males and females will look together! Will they mate for life? GOD: Well, sorta . . . (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) 2nd place and the plush strep throat microbe: *Creating the rabbit: *GOD: I'll make it look like a furry little meatloaf with a wiggly nose and big floppy ears. DEVIL: And I'll spread rumors that its amputated limbs bring you good luck. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Creating the pigeon:* GOD: We need to discourage false idols. ANGEL: How about creating a bird that eats statues? GOD: Let's use the other end. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Left: Pancake fish bee with silky belly. Right: Unidentified two-dimensional blob. (Gali Tibbon/AFP/Getty Images) South of Eden: honorable mentions *Creating the cat: *GOD: Let's see . . . four legs, soft fur, long tail, and a pleasant, oddly comforting rumbly sound when it's happy. ANGEL: Sounds great. Where does it live? GOD: Inside. No — outside. Inside. Definitely inside. Wait . . . outside. Just leave the door open. (Molly Elizabeth Haws, Martinez, Calif., a First Offender) *Pine tree: * GOD: Hey, what if instead of leaves, we had needles and cones and stuff and they stayed green all year? That'd be cool. ANGEL: Marketing says people will chop them down and drag them inside at Christmas. GOD: What the. . . Why . . . never mind. Make the needles really sharp, and have them fall out, like, the day after the tree's chopped down. That should stop 'em. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Mammoth:* CREATOR: Giant hose nose needs to be cuter. Make it fluffy. LABOR: It'll run way too hot that way. CREATOR: Then turn the temperature down. LABOR: But . . . the biosphere! CREATOR: Fluffy hose noses. (David Friedman, Santa Clara, Calif.) *Centipede: *GOD: Start with a worm. Give it 20 legs. ANGEL: That's ridiculous. GOD: Okay, then. Fifty legs! ANGEL: You're drunk. GOD: Dude, I'm /God./ I'll give it a hundred legs if I want and I'll make it the creepiest thing you ever saw. (Frank Mann, Washington) *Panda: GOD: Make them really socially awkward. ANGEL: If they're that awkward, how will they find a mate? GOD: Make them so cute that humans will handle their mating for them.(Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Giraffe: ANGEL: Why is his head way up there? GOD: I guess we better give him a long neck. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) *Platypus (I):* ANGEL: Okay, looks like we're about done here. What do you want to do with these extra parts? GOD: What have you got? ANGEL: A duck's bill, some flippers, a rejected otter body prototype, misshapen beaver tail . . . GOD: I got an idea. Throw all those together and add venomous claws! (Jon Spell, Orem, Utah) *Platypus (II):* GOD: Hey, I have some leftover parts here. ANGEL: Shoot, I already took out the trash. GOD: Meh, just throw them together and put it on the weirdo island. (Danny Wysong, Crozet, Va., a First Offender) *Flamingo: GOD: Make a swan on stilts. And put it in a pink tutu. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Mantis: GOD: Make a bug that looks like it's always praying, so that all who look upon it will see how all Creation praises the Creator. ANGEL: You got it, Boss. GOD: It will be an example for everyone. ANGEL: Great idea. GOD: When it mates, the female will tear the male's head off and eat it. ANGEL: Rode that one right off the rails, didn't You? (Molly Elizabeth Haws) *Geoduck:* GOD: Okay, all done with Adam. ANGEL: Uh, he doesn't need two of /those./ GOD: He doesn't? I mean, you never know. ANGEL: They'll get in the way, and he'll be comparing them all the time. GOD: So what am I going to do with the other one? ANGEL: Just give it to me. I'll put it insidea big clam , let it hang out . . . (Duncan Stevens) *Chicken: *CREATOR: Humans are too lazy — I'll make some Morning Motivational Birds for them: The male can wake them up, and then the female can produce breakfast from her bottom. (Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring, Md.) *Otter: *GOD: Let's go with a nice, small mammal. ANGEL: Okay . . . GOD: Make it an excellent swimmer. ANGEL: Interesting . . . GOD: And I want it to be really cute and lovable. Oh, and make it so it gets to enjoy a life with plenty of fun, playing and frolicking in the water. ANGEL: Er, God? GOD: Yes? ANGEL: Would you please turn me into one of these? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Stingray: GOD: So, it's going to be like a bee. ANGEL: In the ocean? GOD: Yeah, like a pancake fish bee. ANGEL: That can't be a thing. GOD (giggling): Make its belly silky. (Lauren Edmondson, Herndon, Va., a First Offender) *Elephant: GOD: "Oops, I promised this one I'd give him cool stripes like the zebra. Oh well, he'll never remember . . . " (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Three-toed sloth: ANGEL: What, is there a toe shortage all of a sudden? GOD: I gave it five, but it was too Me-damned lazy to pick up the last two. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Sponge: GOD: Okay, who spilled the wine over here? ANGELS: [silence] GOD: Fine, be that way. One of you make something to clean it up! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) ** Blue whale: *GOD: We'll make them the largest creatures on Earth, maybe 300,000 pounds. ANGEL: Gosh, what an appetite they'll have! Will they eat whole forests or herds of beasts? GOD: Nah, I'm thinking a diet of microscopic fish . . . (Rob Huffman) *Buffalo: "Oh for My sake, get those wings off that thing!" (Hildy Zampella) *Kim Kardashian: *GOD (on the busy factory floor): Hey, I like the looks of this one — make sure you add lots of delicacy and refinement! ANGEL: Sorry, what's that? Can't hear you! GOD (as the background noise gets louder): GIVE HER A LOT OF CLASS! ANGEL: [pause] A lot of . . . okayyy. (Duncan Stevens) /More honorable mentions later this month. / WEEK 1234: IT'S INCONTESTABLE Four weeks from now, the Empress will have just placed her dainty imperial toe back on our glittering shores. Which means that for the first time since January 2002, almost 800 contests ago — back during the late reign of her predecessor, the Czar — the Invitational will skip two contests in a row. Seismologists are standing by to measure the effect of this event, er, unevent. Anyway, later this month we'll run more inkworthy entries from previous contests. Meanwhile, the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook — with no contest to obsess over — will presumably head full force into writing immediate postgame limericks about the Nationals' bullpen. *The Style Conversational This week, the Empress's online column — published late Thursday afternoon, June 29 — features an entry for Week 1230 that's a great read but too long for the Invite. Check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . /The headline "Just-Not-So Stories" is by Gary Crockett, the honorable-mentions subhead by Kevin Dopart. / ====================================================================== WEEK 1235, published July 9, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1235: The Sound of Science — a song parody contest Plus the winners of our TankaWanka (haiku plus two) contest on current events(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment July 6 // (Click here to skip down to the winning five-line TankaWanka poems about the news) In our last song parody contest, just days after the election, the Empress pleaded for lyrics that in some way expressed hope. Eight months later, we're not bothering to ask for /that /again. This time we'll switch gears a bit with a new theme, suggested by veteran Loserbard Mark Raffman: This week: Write humorous lyrics on the subject of science or technology, set to a well-known tune. "Science or technology" can cover a /lot/ — anything from an ode to the vastness of the universe to a ditty about a phone app that won't update. And while the songs, for once, aren't required to pertain to current events and politics, neither are they required /not/ to. As always, the results we run in the print edition (including the top winners) will be parodies of (what we hope are) very well known songs; in the online Invite, we'll supply links to all the melodies so that readers can hear an unfamiliar tune. See this week's Style Conversational column for more on what we're looking for in a song parody (remember, it has to be /read)./ And since the Empress will be on vacation, you get an extra week to work on them; entries aren't due till July 24. The product of the Empress's own egg models this week's second prize. (Photo by Mark Holt) Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1235* (all lowercase). Feel free to include a link to an audio or video clip to the tune you're using. You can even make your own recording. Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, * the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we come out with a new design. Second place receives yet another in our lengthy series of Silly Second-Place Headwear: This time it's a*face-covering chicken-head hat, *worn by donor Dave Prevar last month during much of the 22nd annual Flushies, the Loser Community's award "banquet." *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 24; results published Aug. 6 (online Aug. 3). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; the honorable-mentions subhead is by William Kennard. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially for song parody guidance this week, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *SEPTIC TANKA: THE POEMS OF WEEK 1231* In Week 1231 we had our third contest for TankaWanka, a form of verse we coined so that people wouldn't accuse us of doing the real /tanka/ form improperly. Our only rules were (a) that the syllable count had to be 5-7-5-7-7 (like haiku with two extra lines); (b) that any two lines had to rhyme; and (c) that the verse had to be about something in the news. And you know what that brings us . . . 4th place Superhero films Keep making box office news. Why? Not hard to see: We wish our troubles could be Wrapped up in a great "S" cape. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place "Amazon's buying Whole Foods??" Other grocers wince As their stocks tumble. "We need an Amazon on /Our/ side — call Diana Prince!" (Perry Beider again!) 2nd place /and the basketball-hoop-on-head game : / "Hello, Cabinet! Tell me how much you love me!" Each of them complied. Thought: Having fewer suck-ups Might produce fewer . . . organizational failures. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: Cabinet meeting, Filled with yes-men all bleating Fealty to their Don. You suck up to El Jefe Or land in Deep Covfefe. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) Clunka: honorable mentions *The Russia matter: *Flynn, Manafort, Page, Kushner, Sessions "" all the rage. What's the problem? Trump's Just a fashion-forward guy; Every day, a new red tie. (Nan Reiner) /*Sir Comey* /"Will you kiss the ring?" Questioned the newly crowned king To the earnest knight. When he did not do as sought, He was banished from the court. (Barry Goodmann, Hackensack, N.J., a First Offender) Firing Comey Was not about the Russians, Or so we are told. Did his probe become a threat? White House sources just say nyet. (Maria Zimmerman, Berryville, Va.) Trumpet tweets profess, "It's a witch hunt, nothing less!" So be it. It's time For our nation to abort The sad(!) reign of Vulgarmort. (Nan Reiner) *The Cabinet meeting:* The longer one goes In the Cabinet of Trump, The browner the nose. They've all got the idea: Act like it's North Korea. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *The Nationals' bullpen:* Our starters have kept Fans and their Rolaids apart. But one big issue Has brought late-game angst and grief: Some pitchers can't spell "relief." (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *'Millions doubt global warming':* "Science" says, "It's hot!" So '14's "the hottest!" first, Then '15 topped that, Then, for heat, '16's the worst! See? They can't keep their facts straight! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) *The latest men's fashion fad, rompers: * What gets women hot? Men in rompers, dude — that's what. Watch how quick your chick Gives this sign she wants to boff: Begging you to "take that off!" (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *The British election:* It's Mayday for May, Who's in complete disarray. Can she carry on With her majority gone? Who knows? Theresa may not. (Stephen Gold, London) Disruptive upstart Uber faces a crisis Draining its own swamp. Make their leaders' exits swift Kindly giving each a Lyft. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Legislation to legalize silencers:* In Congress, a bill: These gun accessories will Shortly be legal. They hush it, but here's the tell: A silent-but-deadly smell. (Mark Raffman) *Conjoined twin porpoises caught in fishing net:* In the Dutch nation, Rare conjoined-twin cetacean Born. Museum seeks Space to house this baby boom — In its Multi-Porpoise Room. (Nan Reiner) *'Wildfires taint air with microscopic poison particles'* Whew! That fire came close, But your house did not burn down! Unfortunately There is also bad news, mate; So take a deep breath — oh, wait! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Good Ol' Boy Sessions, Asked about indiscretions, Stonewalls every time. As AG, Jeff Beauregard For the law shows low regard. (Nan Reiner) Had he been there in 1776, Odds are Jeff Sessions Wouldn't want to find out who Colluded with the Hessians. (Duncan Stevens) North Korea: Grr! They keep shooting those missiles. Their leader we hate, He's stupid but thinks he's great. We'd never elect — oh, wait. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Report: Russia delves Into our voting systems, Hoping to screw up Our elections. We object! We can screw them up ourselves! (Duncan Stevens) Melania's dad's Red-tied, portly resemblance Takes the 'Net by storm. At last, Freud can explain why She ever married that guy. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *'77% of Americans think it will be normal to have a robot in home in 20 years' Life is so easy Now that I have you, Robot, To do my housework. Ever-obedient pal! What? You say your name is HAL? (Beverley Sharp) *EPA Secretary Scott Pruitt:* Trump has appointed Climate change skeptic Pruitt — Not as focused on What to do /for /the planet. As on what to do /to/ it. (Duncan Stevens) *The latest Taylor Swift-Katy Perry feud: Every morn I cringe Peeking at the day's news binge. Just for once, I wish There were nothing more weighty Than Taylor versus Katy. (Nan Reiner) Dad of Ivanka Inspires my TankaWanka: With his "covfefe," The source of our yuge schism Coined a neologism. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) ====================================================================== WEEK 1236, published July 16, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1236: Portmanteaux faux — give us a fake 'combination' of words Plus the winning captions for Bob Staake's cartoons(Cartoons by Bob Staake/for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment July 13 // (Click here to skip down to the winning cartoon captions from Week 1232.) *AMEN: A combination of "abominable" and "yes-men." Example: "Do you love our president? Let's hear an Amen!"* *DEGREE: Combines "degrading" and "twee." "So what was it like to defend your dissertation in front of Professor Pomposity?" "Totally the third degree." You'll have the pool all to yourself with this prize emoji-motif raft. (FIVEBELOW.COM) ** This week's contest, suggested by classics scholar /and / 87-time Loser Ann Martin, combines a couple of the Invitational's frequent contest themes: It incorporates the idea of a portmanteau word, a word that's coined by combining two other words, along with our beloved practice of promulgating totally bogus explanations. This week: Explain — inaccurately but amusingly — how a real word is a combination of two or more words, with an illustrative sentence, as in the examples above, or some other funny way. Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1236* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial, * the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we come out with a new design. Second place receives, actually in season for once, a raft-size triangular brown pool float* — in this case, we should call it a floater — depicting the now-famous poop emoji . The triangle's long sides are almost five feet long. Donated by Hall of Fame Loser Jeff Contompasis. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 24; results published Aug. 13 (online Aug. 10). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially for song parody guidance this week, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *FOUR-TOON TELLERS: THE CAPTIONS OF WEEK 1232 In Week 1232 the Empress asked you, as she does two or three times a year, to write one or more captions for cartoons by Style Invitational Artist 4 Ever Bob Staake. 4th place /Picture D:/ The office's production of "Romeo and Juliet" was hampered by a very small budget.* (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) 3rd place /Picture B: / "I told you your sister would just die if we announced our engagement!"* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the "Free Tommy Chong" T-shirt from 2003: /Picture C:/ "For our lovely American visitors, tonight's special is "Pot de Chambre."* (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /Picture D:/ "Good grief, Doris! Ailes and O'Reilly are gone, okay? Now get those sweet cheeks down here and pour us some coffee already."* (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Droopy draws: honorable mentions *PICTURE A* *Sal emphatically "explained" to Officer Pupp that "free press" does NOT refer to the sale price*. (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) *"Don't blame me, Officer McGregor; I told you it was hard-hitting coverage."* (David Ballard, Reston. Va.; Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) *You're looking for a 'cop on the beat' deal? How about a 'beat on the cop'?"* (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) *"A cop on duty should not be toking a giant blunt!"* (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Astronomers marveled at the discovery of two very large planets, one shaped like a policeman and the other a newsstand, in the vicinity of Saturn*. (Mark Raffman) *An example of one of those "Noxious Emissions Widely Spewed" stands that have been popping up since the election.* (Bill Lieberman) /And Last:/ "I don't care how long you've been asleep, Officer van Winkle, here in 2017 the Sunday Washington Post costs $3.50 a pop, and it still runs The Style Invitational."* (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) ** PICTURE B ** "Dang, I shouldn't have advertised for undertakers on Monster.com."* (James Scarborough, McLean, Va., a First Offender) *"My orders are to recover the monolith we placed on your world eons ago, not an Ikea bookcase." (Jeff Contompasis) *"Mom! You know I only eat living bodies . . ."* (Rob Huffman) *"No way, Helen! It says I get all the coffins right here in our prenup." (Jesse Frankovich) *"Not so fast, Mom. We shouldn't play Giant Jenga until we've read the instructions."* (Jesse Frankovich) *"On Jupiter, we require a written contract for the sale of half a Kit Kat bar."* (Mark Raffman) *"Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . Where in the script does it say I have a love scene with Carol Channing?*" (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *"No, Org ask you bring me BEER!"* (Jesse Frankovich) *All that Granny could think about on encountering the lizardlike, one-eyed, spike-tailed undertaker was: Why does he have nipples?* (Mark Raffman) *PICTURE C* *". . . and the fly is gluten-free."* (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) *"Actually, he's doing the 100-centimeter individual medley."* (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.) *"Out of respect, you should wait for these two to finish mating."* (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *Gaspard's strong accent led many diners to reject their complimentary bowls of the chef's Special Golden Chowder. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *"Permit me to stir it with my umbrella."* (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) *"I think your first course just ate the second." (Frank Mann, Washington) *"Just close your eyes and imagine they're noodles." (Jesse Frankovich) *To the diners' dismay, Google translate confirmed that "soupe avec élan" could mean either "soup with zest" OR "soup with moose."* (Jeff Contompasis) *PICTURE D* *Fine, Ms. Jenkins, you win. Come down and we'll allow you to make seventy-EIGHT percent of what we do.* (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.; Jason Russo) *"Calm down, Marge. When I said 'foursome,' I meant golf.*" (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis) *"Please, madam! You're the only person left in Pennsylvania who hasn't heard of Bill Cosby. Please come back to Philadelphia with us for the retrial." (*Bill Lieberman) *When the traps baited with $100 bills didn't work, Mrs. Johnson realized grimly that her kitchen was not infested with ordinary lawyers, but rather with LOBBYISTS.* (John Hutchins) *Unfortunately, one of the characters on Lizzie's Loser magnets resembled the CEO of the firm. (Dave Prevar) *Still running — deadline is also Monday, July 24: our song parody contest for lyrics about science and technology. See wapo.st/invite1235 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1237, published July 23, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1237: Our alliteracy campaign Write a headline whose words start with the same letter; plus more foal names from spring (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment July 20 // (Click here to skip down to more "foal" names from Weeks 1222 and 1226) *Chris Christie's Copious Corpus Caught in Cocky Comfort on Closed Coast /(Original headline, from VanityFair.com: / /"Chris Christie Caught Sunbathing After Closing All State Beaches Over July Fourth Weekend"/ Here's a contest we, amazingly, haven't done before. It was suggested way back last summer, in those innocent times, by Loser Bill Verkuilen, who'd seen an article about a protest in which environmental activists left piles of fake manure under donkey statues set up at the Democratic National Convention. The Associated Press headline read: "Fracking foes put fake feces under donkey art displays." Bill's friend thought the AP should have followed through with the alliteration, suggesting "Foes furnish fake feces for free-standing federal faction furnishings." Bill countered with "Drilling denouncers deliver dramatic DNC donkey doodoo." "ƒThis week: Rewrite an existing headline from any publication, print or online — about something in the news from July 20 to 31, by using alliteration — starting most of the words with the same letter (or letter /sound,/ as in "Kansas Corn"). Include the original headline and give the publication's name and date. You may use either news headlines or ads. While not /all / the words in the headline need begin with the same letter, the effect will probably be weakened if a significant word isn't with the program. These leggings really show off your muscles -- well, someone's muscles. (rosegal.com) Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1237* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we come out with a new design. Second place receives a pair of spandex leggings with the legs' muscles, tendons, etc., depicted on them. Creeeepy. Donated by 300-time Loser Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 31; results published Aug. 20 (online Aug. 17). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational, the Empress's weekly online column, isn't happening this week or next, but the Empress will take questions at pat.myers@washpost.com. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . The Empress is off on vacation, correcting people's grammar in other cities, so this week we bring you more honorable mentions from this year's two "foal" name contests: Week 1222* was our 22nd annual challenge to "breed" any two names from a list of this year's Triple Crown nominees, and to name the resulting "foal" that alludes to both parents' names. Then in Week 1226*, we had you "breed" any two of those winning names and name the "grandfoal." The first contest drew almost 4,000 entries and the second almost 2,000, and the E is happy to have a chance to share more of them. Today's Losers will get Loser magnets if they didn't get ink in the original contest. (See the original results at bit.ly/invite1226 and bit.ly/invite1230 .) More 'foals' from Week 1222 *Action Everyday x Adornes = Bruce Frillis* (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) *Classic Rock x Gummy = Eleanor Wriggly* (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) *Mo Town x Vanish = No Town (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) *My Blue Heaven x Action Everyday = Heaven Can Wait* (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) *Always Dreaming x Classic Rock = Zzzzzzz Top* (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *Blueridge Traveler x The Stranger = Hillbilly Joel* (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) *Cloud Computing x My Blue Heaven = The PERLy Gates* (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Fillet of Sole x Pollock = Fish and Drips* (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) *Excitations x Factorial = !!! (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.; Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *Gummy x American Anthem = MyGumTreeTisOfThee* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) I*t's Your Nickel x Gummy = Montijello* (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *It's Your Nickel x Horse Fly = Buffalo Wings* (Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md.) *Big Gray Rocket x Thunder Snow = MOABominable* (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *Dangerfield x Mo Town = No R-E-S-P-E-C-T* (Larry Gray) *One Liner x Always Dreaming = Henny Jungman* (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.) *Local Hero x Convict Pike = The Hoagie Pokey* (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Pat on the Back x Excitations = Pat on the Front* (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *El Areeb x Bobby Abu Dhabi = No Visa for You! (Mike Creveling, La Plata, Md.) *Iliad x My Blue Heaven = Trojan Hearse* (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Irap x J Boys Echo = JAY Jay jay Z zzz* (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.) *Always Dreaming x Comma Sister = Coma Sister* (Brian Halbert, Ashburn, Va.; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Big Gray Rocket x Fast and Accurate = Hope It's Ours! (George Smith, Frederick, Md.) *Fact Finding x The Hardest Way = Not Making Them Up* (Mark Raffman) And more 'grandfoals' from Week 1226 *Fish Shtick x Lover & Lever = Misses Paul (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.) *Hive Got Rhythm x Have One Skittle = Bee Stingy* (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *The Half-Dime Show x Don's Surly Slight = Nickel Odium* (Duncan Stevens; Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Help a Thief! x Don's Surly Slight = GrabHerPurse, See?* (Chris Doyle) *In a Minute Dear x Man Asses = KeepYourPants On! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *In a Minute Dear x Read It and Veep = Keep Your Pence On* (Jim Holt, Washington) *Titan the Screw x P.A.T. on the Back = Atlas Hugged (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) *Help a Thief! x Man Asses = Aiding & Abutting (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.; David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) *Help a Thief! x O Say, Can You C++ = Aid and a Bot (Kevin Dopart) *Troy, Troy Again x O Say, Can You C++ = Geeks Bearing GIFs (Beryl Benderly, Washington) *O Say, Can You C++ x No, It's Iowa = O Say, Can You D-* (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Titan the Screw x In a Minute Dear = 60 Second Man (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) *Et Tupac? x Man Asses = Shakur Booties (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.; Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) *Left Right Repeat x Titan the Screw = Boxing Wring (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) *Read It and Veep x No, It's Iowa = Julia SooeyDreyfus* (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Fish Shtick x Love Hertz = 50 Shads of Grey (Mary McNamara, Washington; Larry Gray) *Man Asses x In a Minute Dear = Tuchus a While (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Bonus Pints x The Who? = Pinball Whizzer (John Hutchins; Rob Huffman) *Carnegie Dali x Help a Thief! = Lox & Burgle (Jeff Shirley) *Chinese Checkers x Man Asses = Chinese Cheekers (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Bed Bath N Bayonne x Disappearing Inc. = Bed Bath N Begone (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Congrats, Loser x Bed Bath N Bayonne = Flunk, Bunk N Dunk (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Shall I Comp Thee? x Bare It Browning = Free Bard!* (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) *Bare It Browning x Spruuuuce!!! = Porn in the USA (Mark Raffman) *The Who? x Bare It Browning = Keith's Moon (Tom Witte) *Still running — deadline Monday night, July 26: two separate contests! Enter Week 1235 for song parodies about science and technology, at wapo.st/invite1235 , plus Week 1236 for bogus etymologies, atwapo.st/invite1236 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1238, published July 30, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1238: D-E-F Comedy Jam Give us a new D-E-F (or E-F-D, etc.) phrase; plus new ink from old contests(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment July 27 // (Click here to skip down to new honorable mentions from a variety of previous contests) *E-D-F — Environmental Destruction Fund: The administration finds ONE part of the EPA budget to increase. Don't call them octopus tentacles, you unpedant: They're arms. Okay, these would be fingers. *E-F-D —* "Energy For Dummies": "A great read for three reasons: the pages are numbered; I learned some energy things; and . . . ummm" — R. Perry *D-F-E — Donald For Emperor:* The RNC tests some early 2020 election slogans. Here's Installment 2 of a contest that will march intermittently through the alphabet. Last summer in Week 1179 , we asked you to come up with three-word phrases whose words began with A-B-C, C-B-A or any other arrangement of those letters (winner by Chris Damm: "Cot And Bagel: a low-budget bed-and-breakfast"). And so: This week: Coin a three-word phrase (you may add an insignificant word or two) whose words begin with D, E and F — in any order — and describe it,* as in the examples above by Jeff Shirley, who suggested this contest in the first place. You might also come up with a brilliantly clever description of an existing phrase. See the A-B-C results at bit.ly/invite1183 . Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1238* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we come out with a new design. Second place receives a pair of long, rubbery, pink, curly "octopus fingers" (or, as their Danish label puts it, /"blaekspruttefingre")/ that fit over your own fingers for, well, we don't know what for. To make your hand look like an octopus. Donated by Roy and Inge Ashley. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 7; results published Aug. 27 (online Aug. 24). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. / *The Style Conversational, the Empress's weekly online column, isn't happening this week, but the E will take questions at pat.myers@washpost.com. And from some earlier Style Invitational contests . . . *EXTRA! EXTRA! More inkworthies* The Empress is just getting back from vacation, so this week she's offering some extra honorable mentions from several recent contests. The Losers below who didn't already get ink in those contests will get Loser magnets when the E catches up with the prizes. They will wait patiently. *FROM WEEK 1223, /a contest in which entrants wrote misleadingly juicy (though technically true) headlines for real non-juicy articles in this and other papers:/ *OHIO MAN TO MISS WORK AFTER ATTACKING PENGUIN WITH STICK* NHL's Columbus Blue Jackets' Matt Calvert suspended after hitting Pittsburgh player (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *SCHOOL OFFICIALS AIM SHOTS AT CHILDREN, HIT TARGETS Mandatory vaccination program increases California's immunization rate (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *WILL OUR GALAXY EXPLODE?* Samsung's newest phones to be released (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *TRUMP SENDS SECRETARY TO HOLOCAUST CENTER* Rex Tillerson and family tour museum (Karen Van Buren, Los Altos, Calif., a First Offender) *NSA AGENTS MAKE MICROSOFT EMPLOYEES TAKE LEAKS OUT OF WINDOWS* Agency addressed Windows 10 security flaws (Edward Gordon, Austin) *LOCAL CHILDREN ORDERED TO SEARCH FOR FOOD AMONG DEADLY TOOLS, DANGEROUS CHEMICALS* "Hardware store hosts Easter egg hunt" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *STUNNING DETAILS OF HANGINGS IN UPSCALE HOTELS EXPOSED* Guests discover super-luxurious bathrobes in closets (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *FROM WEEK 1224, /in which we presented a list of items and asked you to tell us how any two were the same or different/: *The difference between an intentional walk and a flight on United Express:* One gets a man on base and the other gets a man on face. (Annette Green, Lexington, Va.) *A response by Sean Spicer is like the April the giraffe cam: After you've waited days and days for something worthwhile, the camera shuts off. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis) *The difference between lunch with Mike Pence and World War III* is that women can participate in World War III. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *FROM WEEK 1230,* ** /dialogues or monologues portraying a Creator's thought process while creating various creatures: / *Creating crabs: GOD: Imagine a cross between a giant scorpion and a spider. ANGEL: This should be good. GOD: It eats garbage but tastes delicious. ANGEL: Look at you! Mr. IRONY! (Frank Mann, Washington) *Creating humans: GOD: You what? ANGEL: We already made something in your image. Remember? You called it a paramecium. GOD: Okay, but this next one will be allowed to think it's My image. (Ken Gallant, Oslo) *Creating fireflies: GOD: Remember when I divided light from darkness? ANGEL: Yeah, it was earlier this week. GOD: Makes it kind of hard to read at night. ANGEL: I got this leftover jar you could fill with something. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Creating snails: ANGEL: Hey, what should we do with this leftover garlic butter? GOD: I think I have just the thing . . . (Mark Raffman) *Creating birds: Make 'em poop out their babies inside ping-pong balls. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis) *Creating the Boston terrier: GOD: I can't tell which is the back and which is the front. ANGEL: What if I make it snort a lot? DOG: Pfft. ANGEL: Okay, so snorting won't help . . . (Warren Tanabe) *FROM WEEK 1154, * /parodies about animals:/ *My Florida Things * /(to "My Favorite Things" ) / Here in the tropics, we've got us some critters Might give the pet lover justified jitters. Pythons with coils and anhingas with wings: These are a few of my Florida things. You'd have good reason to question my sanity If I leashed up a lugubrious manatee. Or a flamingo "" they won't fetch or beg; Just stand around in the pond on one leg. Don't want a tortoise or an armadillo: They're not the sort one would use for a pillow. And if I took in some gators or crocs, I'd be a schnook with her head full of rocks. If you wanna friend this fauna, I suppose you can . . . But one critter here can't be taught, trained, or tamed: The infamous Florida Man! (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *The Cat Song* /(to "The Jet Song" ) / When you're a cat, you're the king of the house! Every creature knows that, Every dog, every mouse. When you're a cat you're the lord of the realm Every human knows that It's a cat at the helm. It's been you all along, the law remains unwritten; They've heeded your song since you were just a kitten. Bizarrely smitten! When you're a cat and you enter a room They all know where it's at, they all know who owns whom They all KNOW WHO KNOWS WHOM. (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) *FROM WEEK 1219, faux medieval "lik the bred" poems: * //My name, Ivanka. Mark this thynge: I aim to make My Daddy Kynge. I knoweth well He be a clowne. I knock him off. I seize the crowne. (Nan Reiner) I'm Kim Jong Un. I have no qualms At offing uncles, Testing bombs, Yet now it really Chafes my butt, Folks look at Trump; They fear /that/ nut. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 1: our contest for alliterative headlines. See wapo.st/invite1237 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1239, published August 6, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1239: MASH 3 — combine two movie titles Plus the winning song parodies about science and technology In five years, will anyone remember who that guy is? (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment August 3 //(Click here to skip down to this week's winning song parodies about science and technology) New for Week 1239: MASH 3 ** *The Hateful Eight Is Enough:* Trump decides to fire yet more White House aides. *La La Land Before Time:* Peppy candy-colored dinosaurs strut their stuff on the La Brea Swampway. *Bringing Up Baby Driver:* A spoiled heiress and her pet leopard are on the lam after a botched robbery. If you already have a porkpie hat: Imperial Scion Valerie Holt in this week's second prize. (Brady Holt) Here's a contest we haven't done since Week 939 in 2011 (and only once before that, in the Empress's Invite youth of Week 610 in 2005). And since movies have been coming Fast and Furious (6, 7 and 8) since then, we have lots more titles — not to mention lots more material — to work with. This week: Combine two movie titles and describe the result, as in the examples above by Loser Duncan Stevens, who suggested bringing back this contest. Note:* The two titles need not overlap their last and first words, as they do in the examples; in fact, they don't even have to have any words exactly in common; what's important is that a reader can tell which two titles are being combined. For instance, the Week 610 winner, by Paul Whittemore, was ""Š'Terminators of Endearment': At last, the perfect 'compromise' date movie." Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1239* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we come out with a new design. Second place receives a ball cap with a nice fat felt pig snout and ears sticking out of it, along with cute googly eyes. It a promotion for a company called (don't know why) New Pig Corp., a maker of absorbent pads and mats. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 14; results published Sept. 3 (online Aug. 31). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *ROCK-IT SCIENCE: THE WINNING PARODIES OF WEEK 1235* Our parody contest for Week 1235 asked for songs related to science and technology. It was a deliberately broad category, embracing everything from gene splicing to tweets, and both the informational and the political. In reading the hundreds of songs submitted, the Empress discovered that a bunch of profs out there enjoy writing parodies for other scientists or their college students, since dozens of the songs had such catchy lyrics as "Competing inhibition keeps the substrates from the active site/ They raise Km, but leave Vmax and shirk" (from a parody of "Close to You"). For our more nerdically inclined readers, the E links to some of these Chem Lab Rock parodies in this week's Style Conversational at *wapo.st/conv1239 . Click on the title of the real song to get a clip of the melody to listen to while you read. 4th place *Heat It (to "Beat It") They tell me that it's getting warm around here, The polar ice is shrinking, gonna disappear. The carbon that we use will trap air around the sphere And heat it, yes, heat it, We better act, we better do what we can, Don't wanna swell the seas, don't wanna lose Japan, The Earth is in a bind, and stuff's gonna hit the fan And heat it. If you wanna survive, don't heat it (heat it), Do I have to go and repeat it? If we don't stop, we'll be in a plight, It really matters who's wrong and right, Don't heat it! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place *The Cabinet Is Bare (to "Wonderful World") Don't believe in prehistory; pooh-pooh paleontology. Don't know what evolution's for; Grandpappy rode on a dinosaur. But I'm solidly pro-GOP; I gave 'em 2 million, maybe 3 So now I'm gonna run DOE. Don't know much about fossil fuel; made me rich, so I think it's cool. Just can't understand climate shift; my diploma was Daddy's gift. If the Earth goes kaput one day, I'll be raptured up anyway, So now I'm gonna lead EPA. Oh, I don't claim to be an A student; never tried to be, 'Cause all that I've needed for qualifications is the Right ideology. Got a D in biology; then flunked organic chemistry. Don't know squat about the human bod; just leave everything up to God. But we've got the best résumé — greasing palms is our big /forte/ — And now we're dumbing down U.S.A. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) 2nd place and the face-covering chicken hat: *The Beauty of Drug Patents (to "Be Our Guest") We "invest"! We "invest"! 'Cause our game plan is the best! We make plays for medications Where the prices are depressed! We know lives are at stake, But what profits we can make! So who cares about the karma? Don't believe me? Ask Big Pharma! Do we gouge? Maybe so! But we're raking in the dough! If the patent system's broken, who'd have guessed? So chill and don't be jelly Of ol' Martin Shkreli, Be impressed! He's been blessed! We "invest"! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Come Together Spermatozo-on, he come swimming real speedy In some gooey liquid, got plans, yes indeedy. He is sure one motile guy, Got to reach that ovum with an X or a Y. Egg hated ovary, found it quite dystopian, Burst loose from her prison, toward the tube fallopian. She say, "Male gamete, I surmise: We'll become a zygote if we just fraternize." Come together right now, Fertilize! (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) Good in theory: honorable mentions *Galileo! * (to "Oklahoma!")* Galileo said, "I have big news for everyone. Take a look with me and you will see That the Earth revolves around the sun!" "Galileo!" cried a much-infuriated pope. "Your apostate views are just fake news. You cannot believe your telescope! "The text of the Testament proves That the Earth that God made never moves. "Now you must say, /'Abrenunto!'/ Renounce your views today. Get on your knees and pray to the Lord, Galileo. Galileo, obey!" (Barbara Sarshik, McLean, Va.) *My Biome (to "My Sharona" ) Ooh, my little germy one, my squirmy one, Thanks for giving all of your slime, my biome. Ooh, at making me digest, you are the best, Got my vital signs on the climb, my biome. Haute cuisine or slop, you don't stop; salad, soup or nuts; Casserole or chop, sauce on top — 'cause you have real guts. Pie, rye, chai, mai-tai, go! M-m-m-microbiome. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Facial-Recognition Payments * (to "I've Just Seen a Face" ) I'll pay with my face For what I buy in every place And breathe a sigh Once this technology Can scan my mug and know it's me Somehow mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm Facial recognition would For sure promote the common good, And we won't carry cash, IDs, Or credit cards on shopping sprees Oh wow dee-dee-dee-dee'n-dee All in, yes I am all in! Let's start installin' These systems now. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Torque of the Town,* as sung by Nationals pitcher Max Scherzer *(to "Blue Bayou," and sung by Nan Reiner here ) I feel so good here on the pitcher's mound, Elevated a foot off the ground. Using physics to stun and confound is what I do. Wrist pronation, callosified skin, Amped rotation to optimize spin; With the Magnus effect zooming in, it tricks your view. Get out the radar gun, there's Strike One I blew by you. Slicing down and through, you just missed Strike Two I blew by you. With a cross-stitch grip and a triceps whip, The cowhide zips at a fearsome clip. You'll finish, indeed, at Mach 1 speed, your batter's box trip. Adjust velocity, and there's Strike Three"¦ I blew by you! (Nan Reiner) *My Favorite Springs (to "My Favorite Things") Tension, compression and torsion with twisting Serpentine, balance and more needing listing. Helical coils that look like they're rings: These are a few of my favorite springs Force is proportional to the extension, Windings and bowstrings and further I'll mention. Bands of elastic on shot-flinging slings These are a few of my favorite springs. When a clock ticks, when a door swings, When I feel a lift, I simply employ all my favorite springs And then I don't feel adrift. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *(to "Getting to Know You") Getting to know things, getting to know all about things, Having the answers, earning a solid degree. Being an expert "" you're an authority when you're Getting your tenure At MIT. Following reason, free of politicization "" We can't allow this; agencies must get the ax. We're throwing science out of this administration, Because of all the logical and true Things that scientists might do Using facts! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *(to "Wichita Lineman")* I'm calling tech support at Comcast And I'm waiting on hold, Although my call is really quite important (or so I'm told). Their automated troubleshooting Never helps, so I decline. And the tech support caller Is still on the line... (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Viagra * (to "Maria"; for an MP3 recording of the excellent David Simmons singing it, click here )* The most mind-blowing stuff I've ever used,| (I take it at bedtime Viagra, Viagra ...) Oh this drug is so good I'm worried I may get bruised (It comes in a bottle Viagra, Viagra ...) Viagra! I just took a dose of Viagra! And every time I sup, my outlook's looking up, you see. Viagra! My love life improves with Viagra, In 30 minutes plus, no work or sweat or fuss for me! Viagra! I take it when I have deep-down urges, Then rejoice for the thing that emerges. Viagra — I'll never stop loving Viagra. (Kevin Ahern, Corvallis, Ore.; see this week's Style Conversational for links to some of Kevin's more esoteric parodies) *Frackin' (to "Truckin'") Frackin', squeeze the oil out, Keep frackin', watch the hippies pout. Together, make America great, Black gold's beneath our fee-ee-e-eet. Windmills and water and battery power's for sissies, I'm searching the earth like an underground modern Ulysses. You'll never catch chicks if you're driving a Toyota Prius, Be a man and help me smash through all this shale. Business gets a big tax cut, Mountains get punched in the gut, Meanwhile, we become the butt Of jokes told round the glo-obe, oh no! .... (Frank Mann, Washington) *Ode to Alex Jones* *(to "Young at Heart") * Alex Jones, didn't you tell us chemtrails were true From the very start? You saw planes flying high spewing crap in the sky; You were oh so smart. Now you go to extremes over chemical streams; On your show there are screams about government schemes. You make the claim the toxic agents being sprayed Are better at controlling minds than Medicaid. You're aware just how far your inanities are From the world we know.. You say science is fake 'cause conspiracies make You a ton of dough. But if you should survive to 105, Think how well you'll connive with the stuff you contrive. And here is the best part, you have a head start With your anti-government performance art. (Chris Doyle) *The Volkswagen Emissions Scandal| (to "Be Our Guest") Be our guest, be our guest, Put our diesels to the test. With protecting the environment We're totally obsessed. Go ahead, turn them on! (For we've found the perfect con: While our engines hum and clatter, They'll be falsifying data.) We're distressed! We're distressed! 'Cause the regulator guessed, And he's revving up demands for our arrest. To crash is most displeasing, Like the toxic wheezing In your chest, in your chest, in your chest. (Stephen Gold, London) *(to "On the Street Where You Live")* I have often strolled down this street before, But I never had a way to text or tweet before. Every place I go, I stay in the know With my Android in hand as I walk. Are there posts to read on my Facebook feed? Should I try to beat my fastest time on Need for Speed? I can do it all, even make a call Without breaking my stride while I talk. And oh, how plugged in I'm feeling As I traipse along city blocks! And all the wheeling and dealing I can accomplish buying bonds and selling stocks. No one stops to stare, I get no abuse. For there's nowhere anymore where smartphones aren't in use. Let the world go by! I won't care if I Break a hip when I trip on my walk. (Chris Doyle) *I Won't Be Bound by 'Science' (to "The Sound of Silence") Fellow skeptics and rich friends, Don't listen to the current trends. Pay no attention to the temps rising! Those so-called experts who are all advising That our climate may be permanently harmed: Don't be alarmed! I won't be bound by "science." Some claim there's proof that fracking oil Is quickly poisoning our soil. But I don't believe a word they say, They're just fearmongers making up doomsday They try to scare us because my Paris agreement change To them seemed strange, But I'm not bound by "science." An iceberg big as Delaware Was manufactured with great care By Comey, Clinton, Lynch and Obama To all of whom I just say, "Yo' mama!" Behind it all are them and their fake news crews To turn the screws And hold me bound to "science." But don't you fear the EPA, I've taken all their power away, And when the melting caps of ice are gone, I'll have new land to put more towers on. Don't be unnerved by the profits I have hidden on my tax returns; There's no concerns: The rich aren't bound by "science." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Cryogenics (to "Beauty and the Beast") Pale and cold as rime, chill as chill can be. Just as advertised, I'm immobilized, cryogenically. Hemoglobin drained, temperature decreased. Crystallized sinew; muscles frigid, too; Frozen and deceased. Naught to do but wait; someday I'll revive. Spare your tombs and stones, animate my bones, Make my guts alive! Surely this will work. Undertakers know Intravenous cures mean my life endures, ...What, this isn't so? Not a single thing changes in the least: Fill my veins with slime, still it's true that I'm Frozen and deceased. Tale as old as time, job as old as crime: Hosing the deceased. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Chilly Pluto (to "Billie Jean") They say she's more like an icy queen from a "Frozen" scene; I said don't mind, but what do you mean she isn't one As she orbits the sun in the round? ... And so they told me that Pluto dwelt in the Kuiper belt; It's full of many such bodies and she is just one As she orbits the sun in the round. People always told me the planets number nine; Now they're going round changing all the charts. They say there's only eight now—they're stopping at Neptune— It's what they had to do, 'cause she's smaller than our moon... Chilly Pluto's not a planet— She's just a dwarf we claimed at first should be one, But that status now is done; They say she isn't one, as she orbits round the sun. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Download (to "Downtown" ) /(Sometime in 2016 ...) /If you're campaigning and opponents are gaining, You can always go"¦ download! Although it sounds icky, just ask Julian at Wiki, For some leaks to go "¦ download! Just listen to your son-in-law, 'cause he looks kind of geeky, You could resort to Manafort (but Junior's much too sneaky), How can you lose? The polls, they're much tighter, Don, But forget bucks and rubles, all your cares will be gone, When you download! You'll soon be crushin', So download! Hey, how's your Russian? Please download! The White House is waiting for you! (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) *Vaccines (to "Least Complicated") *We pediatricians all vent our spleens 'Cause parents won't give their babies vaccines, They listen to Jenny M, and she's a falsehood-spreading fool. Now their kids don't get immunized, They think their systems get compromised, Don't want DTaP or MMR, but don't blame me when they miss school. I remember the time when they all came in for shots, They'd inoculate kids as infants and tots, Now measles outbreaks have them covered with spots. Man, it's too bad that their parents waited; The hardest to treat is the least vaccinated. (Duncan Stevens) *The G-20 Summit* *(to "Hey, Nineteen")* Way back when, that group G7, They were the ones who would lead the way Soon there were 20, the global big shots They'll save the planet, but where's the U.S.A.? G19! Yes, they will work together Yes, they'll fight climate change But one's MIA, and that's kind of strange. Hey, Nineteen, that Donald Trump guy, He thinks that science is nothing real. He says the Paris accord is stupid. And doesn't care that the whole world made a deal. G-19! Hey, don't blame most of America That you're one nation down. Yes, we'll come on back when we lose the clown. (Hildy Zampella) *And last: * I'm a pray-ing ma-an-tis, I am Pray-ing ma-an-tis I am, I am I got married to the widow next door; She's been married seven times before And every one was a [CRUNCH!] (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 7: our contest for D-E-F phrases. See wapo.st/invite1238 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1240, published August 13, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1240: We GIVE you Limerixicon XIV Send us a limerick featuring a word beginning with gh- or gi-; plus winning alliterative headlines (early!)(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment August 10 // (Click here to skip down to the winning alliterative headlines from Week 1237) Most election reformers believe Contributions are bad. (How naive!) But my Bible instructs What to do with my bucks: Says it's better to give,* /then/ receive. Well, hickory dickory dock — or, we should say, gickory gickory gock: It's time once again for the Limerixicon, our 14th annual check-in with OEDILF.com , the project by Chris J. Strolin and his merry team to compile a dictionary of limericks featuring every word in the English language. OEDILF projects a completion date of Sept. 25, 2076 (exactly what it was last August), and more than 99,000 limericks have been submitted to the website — which means that with this week's contest, the Loser Community could very well turn over Chris's limerodometer. Last August the Oedilfers asked us for ge- words; the year before that, we did the ga-. This week: Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any English word, name or term beginning with "gh-" or "gi-," as in the example above by Chris Doyle that got ink in the bd-to-bi- contest in 2005. See wapo.st/limericks2017 for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell: "perfect" rhyme, and a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm in Lines 1, 2 and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; plus "weak" syllables on either side). See OEDILF.com about submitting limericks there after this contest is over. Submit entries at this website:*wapo.st/enter-invite-1240* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we come out with a new design. Second place receives — brought back from Italy by Loser Elden Carnahan — a T-shirt listing 66 /parolacce,/ or extremely crude Italian terms, complete with English (or in some cases, broken-English) translations. Note: If you have the /slightest/ amount of decency, the Empress will happily substitute a more decorous prize. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 21; results published Sept. 10 (online Sept. 7). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Nan Reiner; the honorable-mentions subhead is by William Kennard. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HAR HEADS: THE ALLITERATIVE HEADLINES OF WEEK 1237* We're bringing you the results of Week 1237* a week early — does the Empress have it together or what! Actually the answer would be (b), "what": In a stunning achievement not equaled in Invite history except perhaps When the Czar Totally Skipped Week 64, the E spent the week judging 1237, not realizing until too late that it was Week 1236's turn. So the bogus-portmanteau words will be here next week. In Week 1237 we asked you to rewrite a headline from July 21-31 using alliteration, with most of the words beginning with the same letter or letter-sound (e.g., C and K). That period turned out to be one heck of a news week — encompassing the entire career of Anthony Scaramucci as White House Communications Director in Waiting. The inking headlines below are accompanied by either the original headline or a paraphrase. 4th place /Original: /North Korea tests ballistic missile that experts say could hit California *Mini-Me meshuggenah's mighty mega-missile might make Malibu* (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) 3rd place Kelly steps in to impose order for president *Hardy Homeland headliner hastily hired to hamstring Head Honcho's harebrained histrionics in hotbed of haphazard, hostile happenings; holds high hopes for harmony in hobbled headquarters* (Mae Scanlan, Washington) 2nd place and the leggings with a human-muscles pattern : CEO pay 271 times that of a typical U.S. worker *Exploited exclaim, '[Expletive] executives expect [expletive] extraordinary [expletive] excess!'* (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Random recipients rejoice reallocated riches' release* /Original:/ "Lotteries" (Jeff Contompasis) Seconds. So sad: honorable mentions Abrupt chain reaction for Trump *Spin shop staff shake-up: Spicer splits, Sanders supplants Sean; sycophant schmoozer Scaramucci slithers in; sources cite satanic snickering* (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Trump ousts Priebus as chief of staff* POTUS punts previously precious Priebus Pluto-ward, points to puny, pathetic production* (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Scaramucci unloads on Priebus in vulgar tirade *Volatile vermin vehemently voices vulgar, vindictive, violent, vile, vituperative vortex of vomit (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) Missed manners: Mooch's manure-mouth makes mockery of managed media messaging (Kevin Dopart) Scaramucci out as White House communications director *Foulmouthed financier fails to finish first fortnight* (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)* Marine makes Mooch march; motormouth multimillionaire media manager muted * (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Sessions plans to stay, despite Trump's remark Land's leading lawyer (lackey), lovelorn and lacking leverage, leery of leaving* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Nationals trade for Twins closer Brandon Kintzler to help steady nagging late-game situations *Beltway ballclub bolsters beleaguered bullpen because bunch of bums blows ballgames beyond belief* (Jesse Frankovich) These college students lost access to legal pot — and started getting better grades *Could kibosh on crimeless cannabis cause climb in college kids' cognitive caliber? 'Course, clowns!* (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Rick Perry thought he was talking to a world leader about pig manure. It was a prank call. *Putative politico pranks Perry with palaver pertaining to pig pies. Piffle? Persiflage? P'Ooops . . . ? * Nan Reiner) Kushner details more than 70 assets that he failed to disclose *Derelict in duty? Da Donald's darling daughter's dearie didn't disclose dozens and dozens of denominations, deductions, distributions, Deutsche debits (Mae Scanlan) 'I did not collude,' Kushner asserts *Collusion? Cray-Cray, Claims Kid K* (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) Trump lawyers asking about presidential pardon powers *Pettifoggers plan to proffer plenty of potentially practical pretexts for pardoning political pals* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Trump dictated son's misleading statement on meeting with Russian lawyer *Disclosure: Dad Donald drafted dauphin's deceptive declaration on discussion of disrupting, diddling Democrats* (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Obituaries: By being himself, the pioneering news anchor Jim Vance broadcast straight into the heart of the District *Vance: a valiant video voice, with a vigilant viewpoint in a volatile village; venerated for verve, versatility. With his vanishing: Vacuum. Void. (Mae Scanlan) Trump's Scouts speech brings backlash *Commander in chief cannonballs into captive kids' campground with campaign claptrap* (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *Jolly Jamboree jolted by jawing jackass jamming junk on juveniles (Annette Green, Lexington, Va.) Trump announces ban on transgender people in U.S. military *Prohibitive president proclaims: Privates, preserve privates!* (Jesse Frankovich) The military spends five times as much on Viagra as it would on transgender troops' medical care *Defense doctoring dollars dealt to dingus dysfunction drugs demonstrate dubious deliberation on discriminatory decision (Nan Reiner) There are a lot of gross microbes on a dollar bill *Begrimed banknotes bear bounteous bugs, bacteria, butt-borne bits* (Jesse Frankovich) Heroic effort by Seychellois man saves 5 people in distress at sea *He saved sailors to the seashore in the Seychelles* (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 14: our contest to combine two movie titles. See wapo.st/invite1239 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1241, published August 20, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1241: Less taste, more fill-in — our not-crossword Choose up to 25 words to fill in as you like and define them; plus winning fake word origins(Grid by Evan Birnholz/DevilCross.com) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment August 17 at 11:04 AM Follow @PatMyersTWP // (Click here to skip down to the fake portmanteau word derivations) ** 59 Across/(originally "noisemaker")/: MOIST TATER: Menu euphemism for "our fries are always soggy"* *59 Across: NO ISN'T A YES: First rule taught at this year's freshman orientation *At least once a year since 2006, we've presented you with a filled-in crossword grid and asked you to supply your own creative clues for words in the puzzle; this year you'll see it probably around Christmastime. Meanwhile, the Empress offers the third go-round (after 2010 and 2014) of this oddball variation. The grid pictured here is the solution to a puzzle by Washington Post Sunday crossword constructor Evan Birnholz, from his website Devil Cross — with one little difference: Evan has whited out a bunch of the letters so that you can*give us a novel clue for any word or phrase in which the remaining letters fit,* across or down, as in the two examples above for the same set of letters. NOTE: Your word doesn't have to cross with the other words; just think about individual across or down words. You may use a real word, name or multi-word phrase or coin a new one. Please begin each entry with the location of the first square (e.g. "14 Down"). The limit is, as usual, 25 entries; you can send us 25 words or 25 entries for one word — the Empress is easy that way. Your clue need not be as short as the ones for real crosswords but shouldn't be more than eight or 10 words. Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1241* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we come out with a new design. Second place receives a solar-powered hand-waving baby Buddha, complete with offensively silly grin — the kind you'll see at the cashier's stand at a Thai restaurant. Found in Madrid, of all places, by Roy and Inge Ashley. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 28; results published Sept. 17 (online Sept. 10). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Barbara Turner; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Nan Reiner. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *LEXICONNED: FAKE PORTMANTEAU WORDS FROM WEEK 1236* In Week 1236 (delayed a week by the out-of-order results of Week 1237), the Empress asked you to explain — entirely falsely — that a particular word was derived from a combination of two or more other words. 4th place: *Harmony: Combining "harsh" and "alimony."* "After the divorce, all she wanted was some harmony in her life." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 3rd place: *Kale:* From "kaka" and "vegetable,"* as in "These chips taste like kale." (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) 2nd place and the poop emoji pool raft : *Vote:* From "vomit-salute,"* or react from the gut. "Last November, like many Americans, I went to the polls and voted." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *Commit = "completely" and "admit":*"Thou shalt not commit adultery." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) * Meh-tymologies: Honorable mentions *Banter = "banal" + "chatter":* The "Morning Joe" show is known for the banter between its two stars. (Mark Raffman) *Metro: Verb combining "met" and "zero,"* meaning "failed to live up to expectations." "Why didn't you show up for our date last night?" "I metroed." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Covfefe:* A combination of "coverage," "strife" and "more strife."* (Jesse Frankovich) *Baba ganoush:* The name for the gooey eggplant spread comes from Arabic for "grandmother" + "sneezed."* (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *Braces = "bras (for) faces,"* since they are worn in the inside, to hold things in place and keep those things from pointing every which way. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Huge = "hubristic" + "garbage,"* as in "Believe me, it's gonna be huge!" (Jesse Frankovich) *Climate:* Combination of "climb" and "fabricate,"* which is how you know not to believe any of those reports that temperatures are rising. — J. Inhofe (Duncan Stevens) *Constipation: "constant" + "anticipation.* (Barbara Turner) *Coitus = "co-" + "it" + us": The transformation of two individuals into a single beast, albeit one with two backs. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *College = "colossal" + "privilege": "The college kids complained about having to take exams the day after the election." (Mark Raffman) *Complex = "complete" + "excrement": An adjective used increasingly by political leaders. "Our health care bill is complex, so you should pass it immediately, without reading it. Trust us, it's great." (Lorraine Hricik McMillan, Alexandria, Va.) *Congress = "constantly" + "regress": "Congress — on a steady course." (Mark Raffman) *Healthy:* Combines "hot" and "wealthy": "Really, all I want is a guy who's healthy." (Chris Doyle) *Cupid:* A combination of "cute" and "stupid."* "Once again, Cupid got me right in the, um, heart." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Glamour* comes from Anglo-Norman slang, from the phrase "egg l'amour,"* or "If you were an egg, I'd get you over easy." (Barbara Turner) *Implant:* Surgical procedure derived from*"implausibly" and "buoyant."* (Duncan Stevens) *Peon:* Combination of "pee" and "on." Duh. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Respects =* "resents" + "inspects": "Nobody respects women more than me." (Chris Doyle) *Skins = skinflint + morons.* "The Skins failed to reach a long-term deal with Kirk Cousins." (Mark Raffman) *Congrats: Like "baad" becoming "good," this early American insult that likened national legislators to rodents became a word of celebration. (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) *Dinner: Combination of "dalliance" and "sinner,"* which is why you have to be very, very careful about your dinner partner. — M. Pence (Duncan Stevens) *Latte:* From*"lather" and "waste." "In 1842, Ishmael Balena, a Venetian barber, invented the latte." (Kevin Dopart) *Guru:* From "guy (with) rupees."* From the ancient Indian belief that being really rich means being really smart. (Warren Tanabe) *Stud: "stupid" + "clod." "All the Miss Universe contestants told Donald he was such a stud." (Kevin Dopart) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 21: our contest for limericks featuring "gh-" and "gi-" words. See wapo.st/invite1240. ====================================================================== WEEK 1242, published August 27, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1242: Generation Yux — give us a then/now joke Last time we did this contest, it was about aging boomers. Now it's millennials. And aging boomers. Then: Men getting hair plugs. Now: Men getting hair plucked. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment August 24 Follow @PatMyersTWP //(Click here to skip down to the winning D-E-F phrases) *Then: Men getting hair plugs.* *Now: Men getting hair plucked.* *Then: Baked Alaska.* *Now: Baked in Alaska.* ** Then: "The Kids Are Alright."* *Now: The kids are alt-right.* Yeah, we've been around awhile. Pair your pizza and pinot right across your shirt — heck, it's going to end up there anyway. This week's second-prize package. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) In Week 303, in 1999, the Empress's predecessor, the Czar, ran a contest called "Boom Times," asking readers to "come up with old and new concerns for the baby boom generation." The results were classic; the winner, by Elden Carnahan: "Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint. Now: Getting a new hip joint." (See the rest in this week's Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1242 .) Eighteen years later, there's a new generation reading the Invite, but lots of the original models are still around — including, like Elden, some of the entrants who got ink in Week 303. Which prompted Biggest Loser Ever Chris Doyle to suggest a multigenerational update. This week: Give us a "then/now" joke* like Chris's examples above — about (a) getting older or (b) comparing a past generation with the current one, no matter whether you, personally, are a "then" or a "now." Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1242* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we officially announce the new design that we've been giving to recidivist winners. Second place receives a fabulous Total Nerd Party Two-Pack:* a holster from which you suspend your wineglass in front of your belly, thus allowing you to dribble your spanakopita crumbs straight into the merlot; and, courtesy of Loser Edward Gordon, a Pizza Pouch, for all those times you need to carry one small slice of pizza across your torso. (Our tip: Don't get extra cheese.) The holster is dead serious; the pouch, sold by an outfit called Stupidiotic, a tad less so. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 4; results published Sept. 24 (online Sept. 21). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *DEFinitions: Report from Week 1238 *In Week 1238 we continued three-letter abbreviating through the alphabet with some DEF, FED, EDF, etc., phrases. Some of the inking entries below are a bit of a stretch, but the Empress put on her YJPs — her Yoga Judging Pants — and flexed a little. Not surprisingly, many of the entries contained various forms of the f-word. They canceled one another out. 4th place: *EDF: Electoral District Freshening:* Oh, "gerrymandering" sounds so unsavory. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 3rd place: *EDF: Elf Defies Fate:* Jeff Sessions's tagline on memos as he keeps his job for one more week. (As of press time.) (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) 2nd place and the pink rubber octopus fingers : *DEF: "Don't Even" Face: "I was just about to float the idea of having the guys over for poker night, but I got the DEF." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *FED: Flagrantly Elementary Deduction:* Printable euphemism for "No @#$#, Sherlock." (Peter Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md.) Lo-DEF: Honorable mentions *Defenders of Flat Earth: "Our members are fighting for truth around the globe." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Domestic Fish Eggs:* Low-rent caviar — a.k.a. "skid roe." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Deflate Foxboro Egos:* Message preprinted at the top of Roger Goodell's daily planner since January 2015. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Dry-Fried Epidermis.* Somehow "chicharrones" just sounds better. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Duh-Face Emoji: A snarky response to Mom's painfully obvious text messages. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Duplicity For Everyone: You can fool all of the people some of the time, so let's go ahead and do that. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Extraterrestrial Defense Fund: Established in Roswell, N.M., to assist illegal aliens. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Electronic Deposit Fairy:* She puts the tooth money right into the kids' bank accounts. (Julia Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md.) *Escalators Down Forever: Revised, pragmatic Metro repair schedule. (David Friedman, Santa Clara, Calif., an ex-Arlingtonian) *Expressive Digit Fluency: Sign-language requirement for cabbies. (Jon Gearhart) *"Emailing For Dollars": The most popular game show in Nigeria. (Jesse Frankovich) *Elaborate Fling Denial:* "I can overexplain everything!" (Tom Witte) *Ever-Fluid Disclosure:* "Meeting? What meeting? There was no . . . Oh, yeah . . . there was a meeting "" but no one important was there. Except a Russian or two. All we talked about was adoption. Emails? Specifying 'oppo research' on Hillary? There were no — Oh, right . . . there were some emails. But no one we know was included. Except . . . maybe Don Jr. And Kushner. And Manafort . . ." (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *Ego-Feeding Department: One federal agency that'd be sure to be fully funded. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Ex Facie Donaldus* ("From the face of Donald"): Bracketed term used to indicate that the previous statement is an obvious lie. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *Ex Flagrante Delicto: Caught cheating on your spouse, with your former spouse. (Mark Raffman) *EFD: "What do you mean I'm a /B-/FD? I'm ENORMOUS." (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *Freeze-Dried Escargot: What French astronauts eat. (Jesse Frankovich) *Fairy Dust Economics.* How to cut taxes and still reduce the budget deficit by 2020. (Mark Raffman) *Fatal Dating Error:* "So, I've asked my mother to join us for dinner." (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Flog Deceased Equine:* " 'Here's our 873rd piece on Benghazi,' Fox announced in yet another FDE." (Duncan Stevens) *Franklin Delano Eisenhower: "Probably the third-greatest president after Abe and me." — D.J.T. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) *Foreign Dignitaries' Entrance: The back door of the White House. (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) *Females for Erectile Dysfunction:* Women of a certain age who, quite frankly, have had enough already. (Nan Reiner) *Front End Deficiency: Marketing-agency term for a breast that does not meet Hollywood standards. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Firing Every Day:* "Mr. President, what will be your main focus for the remainder of your term?" "I'm gonna keep going with the FED." (Stephen Gold, London) *Flat-Earth Day:* The unit of time it takes the world to flip over twice. (Jesse Frankovich) *Danger! Flailing Elephants!: Warning sign posted outside the Capitol. (Julia Shawhan) *Executive Daily Flattery: That folder presented to the president twice a day with only positive articles about him. (Lynne Ann Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) *Emergency Fruitcake Delivery:* A post-Christmas service provided by regifting centers. (Chris Doyle) *Funky Diaper Examination: A close encounter of the turd kind. (Chris Doyle) *Facebook Etiquette Directive:* Don't feed the trolls! (Chris Doyle) *Fidelity Enthusiasm Depletion: Malaise that commonly affects marriages after several years (or three months for those involving professional entertainers, athletes or Kardashians). (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) /And Last:/ Failed-Entry Dumpster: The Empress's trash can. "Welp, another whole page for the FED." (Chris Doyle) *Still running — deadline Monday, Aug. 28: Our contest to fill in a partial crossword. See wapo.st/invite1241 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1243, published September 3, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1243: We bid you, No T-R-U-M-P Coin a new word (or redefine an old one) that has none of those letters; plus top movie mash-ups Vaseball: A neologism that got ink back in Week 278 and conveniently lacks a T, R, U, M and P. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment August 31 Follow @PatMyersTWP //(Click here to skip down to the winning movie mash-ups) *Bananab: A fruit that can be peeled from either end. (Brendan Beary, Week 602) *Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.* (Russell Beland, Week 278) *Ikebanal: A flower arrangement in a smiley-face motif. (Howard Walderman, Week 781) *Willy-nilly: Impotent. (Beth Benson, Week 266) For the meatiest news bites, a set of molar-shaped magnets — this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) The Style Invitational has been Your Reliable Source for Zinging the Commander in Chief since it was a li'l baby contest in 1993 (e.g., Week 21 first runner-up, by Paul Sabourin: "Bill Clinton has gained so much weight that I-495 has been renamed the Sansabeltway"). But in the past couple of years, the pool of Invite entries has been overrun with jokes — often bitterly screedy ones — about candidate, president-elect and finally President Ahem. Inveterate Loser Mark Raffman suggests this momentary relief for this week's contest: Coin a new term, or choose an existing one, whose letters do not include a T, R, U, M or P, and write a humorous definition, as in the examples above that got ink in various old Invite contests. Also, you cannot use "Trump" or "president" in your definition. (Does that mean you can't /hint/ at the subject? It does not.) Mark wins the contest-suggestion prize for local Losers: The Empress will take him out for an ice cream cone. Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1243* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we officially announce the new design that we've been giving to recidivist winners. Second place receives a set of six magnets in the shape of human teeth. If you're so hungry you feel like eating the whole refrigerator, then put these on the door — although that would be dumber than dumb, because the teeth face the wrong direction. Donated by Not a Loser Maureen Yacobucci. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 11; results published Oct. 1 (online Sept. 28). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results and the honorable-mentions subhead are both by Dave Prevar. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *UNITED ARTISTS: THE MOVIE MASH-UPS OF WEEK 1239 **In Week 1239 we asked you to combine the titles of two movies and describe the resulting mash-up: 4th place: *Eight Men Out of Africa. U.S. immigration officials set new entry quotas for 2018. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 3rd place: *10 Things I Hate About What You Did Last Summer:* Hillary tells it all (Part 1). (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) 2nd place and the ball cap with pig snout:: *Dirty Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:* So that's why they call her Moaning Myrtle. (James Kruger, Rockville, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *A Few Good X-Men: Despite the president's wishes, the military pushes to recruit more transgender troops. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) So So Land: Honorable mentions *Dr. Strangelove Story: Nuclear war means never having to say you're sorry. (Arthur Adams, Laurel, Md.) *Bob & Carol & Ted & Harold and Maude: An eccentric old woman is determined to go out with a bang — or several. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Fried Soylent Green Tomatoes: "So they're pee-pul! Heck, they're some good eatin'." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Down Below: Hogwarts students seek treatment after using their wands without protection. (Ben Aronin, Washington) *How Green Was My Valley of the Dolls:* Three aspiring actresses start a business selling organic, locally sourced, all-natural, Energy Star-certified amphetamines. (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) *In the Heat of 101 Dalmatians: "Ruh-roh!" thinks Scooby. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Sex, Lies and Videotape: Roger and Me: Vignettes from the women of Fox. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Stand and Deliverance: No student at this all-boys school in Georgia dares to come to class unprepared. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Table for Five Easy Pieces: Tempers flare as newlyweds struggle to assemble their Ikea dinette set. (Elliott Shevin) *The Great Escape From New York: Lured by affordable housing and better schools, a British unit of POWs moves to New Jersey. (Danny Wysong, Crozet, Va.) *The President's Plane is Missing All the President's Men:* Despite Gen. Kelly's best efforts, his boss keeps flying solo. (Gary Crockett) *Twelve Angry White Men Can't Jump: The "Hoosiers" kids celebrate their 50-year high school reunion. (Brendan Beary) *Twelve Angry Men and a Baby: The passengers in Rows 1-3 wish the family in Row 4 had chosen a different flight. (Gary Crockett) *2012 Angry Men: If you thought it took a long time for Juror 3 to come around, wait until you meet Jurors 984 and 1762. (James Kruger) *A River Runs Through Larry the Cable Guy:* Ninety minutes of poop jokes, much like every other video with Larry. (Jon Gearhart) *All the President's Men in Black: A White House strike force hunts down aliens. (Documentary.) (Frank Mann, Washington) *Adventures in Babysitting the American President: There's never a dull moment as White House aides desperately try to get POTUS to put down his phone and go to bed at a reasonable hour. (Jesse Frankovich) *Batman of La Mancha: Bruce Wayne goes mad after seeing his parents killed by a windmill. (Arthur Adams) *Black Swan Down:* Special forces in camouflage leotards battle to save a ballerina trapped by her tutu in a piece of scenery. (Mary Kappus, Washington) *Crouching Tiger, Hidden Figures: Three mathematicians defeat Qing Dynasty warriors by flying perfectly calculated trajectories. (Kevin Dopart) *Groundhog Day of the Dead: Stuck in a time loop, weatherman Bill Murray must help the town of Punxsutawney fend off an invasion of killer zombie marmots while simultaneously discovering humility and finding true love. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) *I Am Curious Yeller: An ill-fated dog seeks a night of excitement before the inevitable end. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *Idiocracy Coming to America:* This movie was withdrawn after becoming outdated before its release date. (Dottie Gray, Alexandria) *Kill Bill: Blue Velvet: The story behind Hillary's discovery of the infamous dress. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *King Arthur 2: On the Rocks:* A disheveled British monarch drunkenly puts his sword back into the stone. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Kong of the South:* Uncle Remus is back, with a cautionary tale about Br'er Ape. (Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) *The French Connection: Some Like It Hot:* A failed Paris summit results in the world rapidly overheating. (Mike Burch, Nashville) *The Godfather of the Bride: He got them a gift that wasn't on the registry, yet they couldn't refuse. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *The Hurt Locker Room With a View: Three teenage boys peep on the women's rugby team, but all they can see are bandages. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *The Incredible Shrinking Manhattan: Woody Allen exposes deceptive bar practices in the Big Apple. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *The Kids Are All Right, Good, Bad and Ugly:* Parents of four get serious shade when they send out a concise (if honest) holiday letter. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *The Lion King and I:* Featuring that showstopping opening number, "Gristle I'm Happy Chewin'." (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) *The Onion Field of Dreams:* Hey, there IS crying in baseball! (Chris Doyle) *The Shaggy Dogma:* A documentary on the Rastafarian movement. (Tom Witte) *The Toy Story of O: A very animated feature, with special appearances by Woody and Buzz Right-Here. (Arthur Adams; Tom Witte) *West Side Toy Story:* Mr. Potato Head's rendition of "Three Hands, One Heart" wins the Oscar for Best Song. (John Hutchins) *Up Her:* Katie Couric's colonoscopy becomes a full-length movie! (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 4: Our then-and-now contest. See wapo.st/invite1242. ====================================================================== WEEK 1244, published September 10, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1244: Primed for creative Amazon product reviews Plus the winning limericks featuring gh- and gi- words.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment September 7 // (Click here to skip down to this week's winning limericks) *Review for a box of paper clips: Very disappointed — one star. First, they're not made from paper. Second, they don't clip anything — not my hedges, not my coupons, not my nose hair. /— Bruce Niedt, Week 1098, 2014/ The last time we did a contest for creative product reviews on Amazon.com, in 2014, The Post had just been bought by a Mr. Bezos of Seattle — no doubt, we figured, because he'd read the Invitational's initial set of reviews in 2012. We never did hear back from that guy, though there's this little drone thing circling the Empress's house . . . "ƒ Previously we asked you to review such items as paper clips, Morton's salt, emery boards, a spool of thread, a dish cloth and a solar dancing turkey. This week: Send us a creative "review" (like the sample above from 2014) for any of the items below that are listed on Amazon.com. *The reviews must not be harmful to the manufacturer or seller. Feel free to post the reviews on Amazon itself /after / we post the results online Oct. 5. While some reviews on Amazon run hundreds of words, we're looking for much shorter entries; 75 words would be lengthy for us. Search on Amazon.com with the exact words below, or click on the links in this week's Invite online, to find the product to "review." — Revlon toenail clip * The Trump "Over-Reaction Figure," complete with movable hair-helmet and The Finger. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) — Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil — 75 sq. ft. * — Home Premium 5-Piece Rubber Door Stopper, Brown * — DenTek Extra Strong Triple Clean Floss Picks * — Arm & Hammer Clump & Seal Multi-Cat Litter * — High Five Poop Emoji Float Pool Floater Inflatable Lounger * Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1244* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we officially announce the new design that we've been giving to recidivist winners. Second place receives a Donald Trump "Over-Reaction Figure," complete with movable arms and a cap of molded yellow hair that you can pull off or rearrange, as in the photo. The figure's right hand has a certain finger extended. Donated by 161-time Loser Jeff Shirley. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 18; results published Oct. 8 (online Oct. 5). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Gary Crockett; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *GHImericks: REPORT FROM WEEK 1240* **For our annual Limerixicon contest, our salute to the unending effort by OEDILF.com to compile a complete dictionary in limerick form, in Week 1240* we asked for verses that featured gh- and gi-words. * If your limerick got ink in this contest, or even if it didn't, or even if you didn't enter and are inspired to write one now, feel free to submit it to OEDILF. (If you did get ink, note that along with your submission so that the Invite will be credited.) 4th place: Said Giselle the giraffe,* on a date, "I do not want to stay out too late, And while necking is fine, That's where I draw the line, 'Cause this isn't a petting zoo, mate." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 3rd place In the melting pot we call Amur'can, Disagreeable stew has been perkin', Made from yammering yam With a thick slice of ham And a limp, insignificant gherkin. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) 2nd place and the T-shirt with a glossary of crude Italian expressions: The video snippets of freaks Shooting butt rockets out of their cheeks Turned me into a quitter Of Facebook and Twitter, Both hangouts for*GIF*-bearing geeks. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: The news may be much out of date, For F. Douglass is notably late. But we still can acclaim His posthumous fame: As a ghostwriter* he is first-rate. (Ann Martin, College Park, Md.) TouGH luck: honorable mentions As a track athlete, Nate was well versed; As a*gigolo,* though, he was cursed. In each case the same trait Predetermined his fate: 'Twas his penchant for finishing first. (Mark Raffman) For racists, a pat on the wrist, And he slanders the ones who resist: "Many sides" get his pans. Okay, Herr Tiny-Hands, I think we're all getting the*gist. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) "The mortician's gone bankrupt," said Sue. "And I even predicted it, too. Though I did have a hint That the business was skint: The dead giveaway — that's when I knew." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Said the cop, "I would bet my last dime, That a*ghoul* has committed this crime. But the chance of arrest Is unlikely at best. I'm afraid it's a wraith against time." (Stephen Gold, London) As a kid, my anxiety grew With the tales of a ghost* in the flue. Though I'm grown now and wise (And less prone to surprise), I've a sense of, at times, deja boo. (Chris Doyle) "This cathedral's deluxe to the hilt!" Said the king. "It's the best ever built!" But the pope, with dismay, Scorned the gold-leaf display: "There's no purpose to Catholic gilt*." (Mark Raffman) She's so fat — let me put it this way: I have heard some astronomers say That Your Mama's great girth *Makes some parts of the Earth Have a total eclipse every day. (Brendan Beary) Though there's no greater gift* than a song, And I love it when folks sing along, Your insistence we sing Every note of "The Ring" At your wedding, was, frankly, just wrong. (Stephen Gold) A chef on*Gibraltar* got fame For his frying pan. In it he'd claim To make a chow mein That would drive folks insane: The Wok of Gibraltar's its name. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) He buys every new tool, every gizmo; It has something to do with machismo. But his handyman skill is just run of the mill With results that are often abysmo. (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) *"Gh"as in "tough"; "o" as in "women"; "ti" as in "nation" . . . Learning English's a difficult dish: We spell phonemes however we wish. You want regular? Tough. Women? Nation? Enough! All in all, a fine kettle of ghoti.* (Nan Reiner) ["Ghoti" predates George Bernard Shaw, whom it's often credited to] My giraffe*-breeding business is toast; Now it's time that I give* up the ghost*. I had pretty good sales, But then ran off the rails 'Cause the overhead's higher than most. (Brendan Beary) Sir Lancelot stripped off his jerkin, His breeches, his shirt and his merkin. "A cucumber, right?" But she laughed at the sight, Saying, "I think it's more of a gherkin."* (Brian Allgar, Paris) I would call its leaves pretty, I thinkg, But there's no getting over its stinkg. And its seeds make a mess — I'd prefer it, I guess, If the ginkgo* had rather less ginkg. (Brendan Beary) When a gharial* seeks to build clout, He will flaunt his distinct bulbous snout. Should his mate still have fears, He will hiss in her ears — That's what crocodile love is about. (Mary Ann Henningsen Frankenfeld, Oakland, Calif.) John Kelly's the new West Wing sitter, A leader of men and no quitter. For weeks, what regret Has been making him sweat? He can't stop Trump's gibber* on Twitter. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) The zombie had felt like a fool As he surfed through the wide dating pool. On advice of his mom He tried Monster.com, Thinking that's how a boy could meet ghoul. (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) A midget and giant* did try To date, but they couldn't deny That obviously They'll never agree: Because they can't see eye-to-eye. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Though our kids call their principal "ghastly"* And maintain their opinion steadfastly, Those who work with him there At the school all declare That our kids overvalue him vastly. (Max Gutmann, Cupertino, Calif.) /And Last:/ Being blessed with the gift of sharp wit, I decided to enter a bit. Did it win? It did not. And the*gift* that I got In return? What a cheap piece of shinola! (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Still running — deadline Monday, Sept. 11: our No T-R-U-M-P contest. See wapo.st/invite1243. ====================================================================== WEEK 1245, published September 17, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1245: Call us reprehensible ... Rant about The Post! (Or another paper.) Plus winning ways to fill in a partial crossword. "We're in a war on terrorism and you print a convenient map of the Washington area ... Why not just put up a "Welcome Terrorists!" sign?" Time for more idiotic rants. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment September 14 Follow @PatMyersTWP //(Click here to skip down to the winning words and clues for a partially finished crossword) *We're in a war on terrorism and you print a convenient map of the Washington area right there on Page A14. Why not just put up a "Welcome Terrorists!" sign?* (Dave Zarrow, 2003) *The typeface of your front-page masthead is horribly incomprehensible. It looks like "CtheWa8hingtonPo8t." You should consider Comic Sans, which is a very readable font. (Drew Knoblauch, 2011) *Does The Post so hate America that you wish to deliver our national secrets into the hands of our enemies? I refer of course to The Post's publication of page after page of "Classified" information, blatantly labeled as such in type so large that even the most dimwitted spy can hardly fail to miss it! (J.J. Gertler, 1998, back in the pre-Craigslist days) It happens surprisingly seldom — once every few /years,/ on average — but occasionally someone writes a letter to the editor complaining about this column. A week ago a reader wrote in to protest one of Chris Doyle's examples for the Week 1242 "then/now" joke contest : "Then: 'The Kids Are Alright.' Now: The kids are alt-right," charging that "changing the name of the Who's well-known song . . . is reprehensible." If your entry is too good to earn an honorable-mention Loser Magnet, you could end up with these. *This week: Complain in a humorously missing-the-point way about something that has appeared in The Washington Post (in print or online) recently, or in another publication, as in the examples above from earlier contests we've done along this line. If you're citing a particular article, misreading a headline, etc., please give the Empress enough information (date, page number or online link) that she can see what you're getting at. Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1245* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we officially announce the new design that we've been giving to recidivist winners. Second place receives a stack of oval Mitt Romney 2012 "Believe in America" campaign magnets, donated by Loser Dan Helming, as well as a bonus "I Believe The Washington Post" magnet, issued by the Washington/Baltimore News Guild (the E has one of these on her car; let's hope the Guild doesn't find out about the Invite's bogus-trivia contests). *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 25; results published Oct. 15 (online Oct. 12). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Duncan Stevens; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HANKY BLANKY: OUR PARTIAL-CROSSWORD CONTEST* (Grid by Evan Birnholz/DevilCross.com) In Week 1241 we presented a crossword grid by Washington Post constructor Evan Birnholz in which Evan had rubbed out one or more letters from every word in the puzzle. Then we asked you to fill in any of the Across or Down words as you liked (regardless of crossing words) and write a clue for it. (The entries below show the words that originally appeared in the grid.) 4th place: *38 Down* (AREA CODE; _RE_CO__) A RED CONE:* All of the highway repairs funded in the Department of Transportation 2018 budget (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: *59 Across* (NOISEMAKER; _OIS__A_E_): LOIS IS A TEN:* Graffiti found in a phone booth outside the Daily Planet (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the solar-powered hand-waving baby Buddha: *36 Down* (ORC; O__) OXY: Clever moron (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: *42 Across* (ROCOCO; R__OC_): RELOCO: A job transfer to D.C. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Drosswords: honorable mentions *2D* (NATE) GATE:* How to end a scandal (Jesse Frankovich) *3D* (ARSE)*IQUE:* Not one-of-a-kind (Jesse Frankovich) *4D* (CLUNG)*CLUDE:* Verb with two meanings: "Let's try this again, Jared. On this form you must clude everyone you've cluded with." (Frank Osen) *11D* (SWELL) SPELT:* Grain that makes the best alphabet-soup pasta (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *12D* (LADIES ROOM) LIDS FOR MOB: The MAGA hat concession at the rally (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) *13D* (INNER PEACE) UNDERPENCE:* Largely ineffective garment intended to prevent leaks. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *15A* (PARLIAMENT) GARLIC MINT:* Candy on the pillow at the Hotel Transylvania (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *17A* (IT'S UP TO YOU) "I TRUST PYON . . .":* Naive last words before one is nuked by North Korea (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *19A* (TEEN)*THEM:* Who the bad guys are (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) *20A (BEER)*BERN: Soreness felt after elective procedure in 2016 (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *24A (MAILER) MAIDES:* Presidential staffers who have to clean up after the daily messes (John O'Byrne, Dublin) . . . or MAI HAI: Cocktail made with rum, fruit juice and cannabis (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *26D:* (HANOI) HANOI:* A place Vietnam vets aren't fonda. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *28D* (COME ON DOWN) MAMMOFROWN:* Facial contortion occurring during yearly smash-o-gram (Lynne Ann Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) . . . or DUMP ON LAWN:* Command my neighbor must be giving his dog in front of my house. (Ed Scarbrough, Germantown, Md.) . . or COME ON DOWN:* Satanic invitation (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) . . .or TAMPON TOWN:* Kotexarkana (Chris Doyle) .*29A* (ORATORS) PRAYOFF:* A Lent Madness event. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *31A* (SPA) EPD:* The newly conceived Environmental Protection and Destruction Agency (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.) *33A (AROUND) A HOUND:* "I Get ___," rejected track from the Beach Boys album "Pet Sounds" (Duncan Stevens) *35A (AUTHORED)*BUTT OR ID:* Either of two ways to get into a nightclub (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *37A* (NO MSG) VOMIT:* It comes up when you're feeling down (Beverley Sharp) ... or VOMET: Object that hurls across outer space. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) *38D (AREA CODE) PREZCON 1:* The alert level for CNN and Mitch McConnell (Tom Panther, Sparks, Va.) *39A* (BROAD) BILED:* how alt-righters prefer their breakfast eggs (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *40A* (ONE SHARE) ONE SHARK: Lowest rating for lawyers (Steve Glomb, Alexandria) . . . or ONE SHARK:* For the Fonz, the difference between fame and infamy (Ivars Kuskevics) . . . or ONE STARK:* Final population of Westeros (Noam Izenberg, Columbia, Md.) *42A* (ROCOCO) REJOCK,* to reach age 40 and try to relive high school glory. Followed closely by REHAB (Lynne Ann Larkin) *44A (OVERSAW) OVENSAP:* that stuff that boils over the dish while baking (Tom Panther) *49A* (OILS)*KILT:* What little Davy Crockett did to that bar (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md., a First Offender) *50D (SHALE) AA ALE:* Not-even-close beer (Kevin Dopart) *60D* (MAH, as in mah-jongg) RAH:* Response to "Okay, EPA employees, let's hear it for Mr. Pruitt!" (Duncan Stevens) *64A (GETS THE NOD) GILD THE LID:* White House bathroom remodeling order (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) . . . or GETS THE NOD: Is hired at the bobblehead factory (John Hutchins) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 18: our contest for creative Amazon.com product reviews. See wapo.st/invite1244 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1246, published September 24, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1246: Questionable journalism Our contest to write a funny question about any sentence in an article; plus the inking 'now/then' jokes(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment September 21 Follow @PatMyersTWP // (Click here to skip down to the winning "now/then" jokes) /Sentence in The Post:/ Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope take the stage in clown makeup and douse their fans with cheap Faygo-brand soda.* Q. So, Maestro, what's your plan for the symphony's "Welcome, Millennials" program? *A. "No one is going to grip-and-grin."* Q. Ambassador, will the Secret Service be making sure the president keeps his hands to himself during this trip? This week we summon up one of our most reliable contests, one we've done at least 12 times with great results, but not for a year and a half. *This week: Find any sentence (or a substantive part of a sentence) that appears in The Post or another publication, in print or online, dated Sept. 21-Oct. 2, and pair it with a question it might answer,* as in the examples above from the Sept. 17 Post. In the Empress's experience — in 10 of these contests, she's read well over 10,000 entries — the humor tends to work better if a reader can grasp the original context of the sentence without an explanation. You may use headlines if they're written as sentences that could just as easily be in text. Include the date and page number of the print edition, or a link to an online page* (please don't embed the link right into the text of your entry; attaching a screen shot is also okay). Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1246* (all lowercase). Loser Scion Simon Stevens models the spiny inside-out squishy balls. (Photos by Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) Winner gets the Inkin' Memorial ,* the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we officially announce the new design that we've been giving to recidivist winners. Second place receives these two soft, rubbery balls, about the size of golf balls, that turn inside out into . . . wow, soft-spiny mittens! They're modeled here by Loser in Training Simon Stevens, 4-year-old son of Duncan, at a recent Loser Brunch (the very stretchy things also fit at least the Empress's hands). The ball-mittens were donated by Dave Prevar; you can't have Simon. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 2; results published Oct. 22 (online Oct. 19). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead was submitted both by Jesse and by Nan Reiner. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *COMEDY OF ERAS: THEN/NOW JOKES FROM WEEK 1242 In Week 1242 we asked for then-and-now comparisons. The results fall into two categories: humor about how times have changed (or, sometimes, haven't changed) and humor about getting old. Both yield some classic results. 4th place /Then:/ Bell-bottom jeans. /Now: /Bell-bottom bottoms. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) The mittens before they're turned inside out. 3rd place /Then:/ A 16-ounce large Coke. /Now:/ A 16-ounce small Coke. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) 2nd place /and the lanyard-hung Pizza Pouch and wineglass holster: / /Then:/ Houston, we have a problem. /Now:/ Houston, you're gonna need a bigger boat. (Frank Mann, Washington) And the winner of the Inkin' Memorial: /Then:/ Mayberry and Opie. /Now:/ Mayberry and opioids. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Memory lame: Honorable mentions /Then:/ U.S. foreign policy: detente. /Now:/ U.S. foreign policy: daily taunt. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) /Then:/ We're going to see the Who! /Now:/ We're going to see who? (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.) Then (after 9 p.m.): "Sorry for calling you so late." /Now (at 4 a.m.):/ "whyd it take u 2 hrs to like my photo? r u mad at me?" (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) /Then: /Getting rid of your 5 o'clock shadow. /Now: /Maintaining your 5 o'oclock shadow. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) /Then:/ Disco in the '70s. /Now:/ Disks go in your 70s. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) /Then:/ Defending FLOTUS's fashion choices. /Now:/ Attacking FLOTUS's fashion choices. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) /Then:/ Arguing with your parents about where you're going. /Now:/ Arguing with your GPS about where you're going. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) /Then:/ Driving your off-road vehicle. /Now:/ Driving your vehicle off the road. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) /Then:/ CREEP got the president into the White House. /Now:/ A creep president got into the White House. (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) /Then:/ Studying fallout predictions to see how a nuclear strike on D.C. would impact the suburbs. /Now:/ [Sigh.] (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) /Then:/ Getting past the SAT. /Now:/ Getting past the TSA. (Chris Doyle) /Then:/ Getting your $%^& together. /Now:/ Sharing your poo emoji. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) /Then:/ "Super-size me!" /Now:/ I'm Super-Size Me. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) /Then: /"There are Russian-sympathizers at high levels of the U.S. government!" /Now:/ There are Russian sympathizers at high levels of the U.S. government. (Duncan Stevens) /Then:/ Bill Cosby was hilarious. /Now:/ You want to throw up for thinking Bill Cosby was hilarious. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) /Then:/ "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." /Now:/ Not. (Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) /Then:/ Assessing the damage caused by an ozone hole. /Now:/ Assessing the damage caused by, um, a disagreeable fellow. (Duncan Stevens) /Then:/ Scoring well on your ACT. /Now:/ Scoring well on your A1C. (Tom Cary, Hollywood, Md.) /Then:/ "The President's Plane Is Missing." /Now:/ The president's brain is missing. (Chris Doyle) /Then:/ "We Are the World." /Now:/ We bar the world. (Duncan Stevens) /Then:/ No bars? Calling it a night. /Now:/ No bars? Calling nobody tonight. (Kevin Dopart) /Then:/ Giving the finger to the world. /Now:/ Getting the finger from the doctor. (Jon Gearhart) /Then:/ Shop class. /Now:/ Shop during class. (James Kruger, Rockville, Md.) /Then:/ Tiger Woods, driving long. /Now:/ Tiger Woods, driving high. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) /Then:/ Unleaded gas. /Now:/ Unleaded water. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) /Then:/ Using your thumb to get a lift. /Now:/ Using your thumbs to get a Lyft. (Jesse Frankovich) /Then:/ Hiding my confusion about algebra from my teacher. /Now:/ Hiding my confusion about algebra from my kids. (Stephen Litterst) /Then:/ Spring break. /Now:/ Fall; break. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) /Then:/ Our kid depends on us. /Now: /They kid us about our Depends. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) /Boomer:/ Used a pencil to rewind a cassette. /Gen X'er:/ "What's a cassette?" /Millennial:/ "What's a pencil?" (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *And Last:* // /Then:/ Your brilliant entries were foolishly rejected by the Czar. /Now:/ Your brilliant entries were foolishly rejected by the Empress. (Jesse Frankovich; Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 25: our contest for silly complaints about the paper. See wapo.st/invite1245 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1247, published October 1, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1247: Script tease Reinterpret a movie title, then write a line of dialogue; plus words without T, R, U, M or P. "Monster's Ball," duh. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment September 28 Follow @PatMyersTWP //(Click here to skip down to the winning neologisms that have no T, R , U, M or P.) *"Monster's Ball": "No! Elmo says that's not yours to play with! Elmo says it's Elmo's!"* *"Birdman": "Mr. President, I know you're frustrated, but stop giving Congress the finger."* The Lose Cannon, the new Style Invitational first-place trophy, replaces the Inkin' Memorial, the bobblehead that we'd been giving out since 2012. The bases of the trophies were handmade by Loser and woodworker Larry Gray, and the trophies assembled by Larry and Royal Consort Mark Holt. (Mark Holt) *"The Fate of the Furious": "Yo, Mooch, now it's YOUR turn to $%^%^ your #$%$." *"Lady Windermere's Fan": "GO LADY WINDERMERE!"* This week's contest was suggested by Loser Phenom Duncan Stevens, who's such an Invite-obsessive that he noted to the Empress that his idea is a variation of contests we ran in Week 625 (2005) and Week 129 (1995); those were to supply an alternative plot to a movie title (winner of Week 625, by Kevin Jamison: " 'The Asphalt Jungle': In this series finale, Tarzan suffers his untimely death"). This week: Offer a quote from a script of a movie whose title you've given a different plot, as in Duncan's examples above. Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1247* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * the Style Invitational trophy that we officially announce today. This handsome little creation — really, it's too nice for the Invite — consists of a tiny metal cannon that's really a pencil sharpener, attached to a beautiful wooden base that was crafted by Loser Larry Gray. And it's finished off with a "BNAG" flag stuck, popgun style, into its barrel. The Lose Cannon was inspired by a campaign tweet in which then-not-president Trump called Hillary Clinton that very thing, verbatim. This trophy replaces the Inkin' Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that we've been giving out since 2012. Actually, for the past few months, the Empress had been sending out Lose Cannons to some Invite winners who'd already won multiple Inkin' Memorials, while awarding the last of the Abes to the less obsessive. Last week, Bruce Carlson won the last bobblehead in the box, so it's all cannons from here on in. Second place receives, in keeping with this week's contest,*"Who Farted?,"* a little book consisting entirely of classic movie stills in which glamorous screen couples like Astaire and Rogers seem to be asking that question — seem to be, that is, if you are a particularly annoying 12-year-old. Donated by the extremely mature Jeff Contompasis, and offered again after it was passed on last year. And we'll throw in some snacks for the cineplex: two boxes of Crick-ettes,* yup, real dried crickets. You get Salt 'n' Vinegar and Sour Cream and Onion. Let us know how they were. Donated by Loser Lisa Henderson. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 9; results published Oct. 29 (online Oct. 26). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jon Gearhart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *UNPRESIDENTED: NEOLOGISMS WITHOUT T, R, U, M or P* No matter what contest we've hurled into the Loser Community of late, the majority of entries have somehow managed to be about Our President. So in Week 1243* we presented a neologism contest much like our dozens of earlier ones — except that the terms you came up with couldn't have a T, R, U, M or P (though I didn't say the entry couldn't be/about/ T-R-U-M-P, a loophole some Losers dived right into). This contest proved a pretty tall order; the E received a number of last-minute messages noting, "Oops, I didn't notice that word had a U" (or other letter). 4th place: *Gagony: That endless split-second between telling a joke and someone laughing. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place: *Lexiconfession:* Admitting that you totally made up that Scrabble word. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) 2nd place and the set of magnets that look like human molars : *KKK:* A quick way of chanting, "Okay, okay, okay!" Trust me, I've heard some very fine people use it that way. — My Dictionary Is the Best Dictionary (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Gland-dad:* A sperm donor. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Hono*able en*ions *Yo Nana:* She's not as fat as Yo Mama, but only because she's so old. (Mark Raffman) *Shindig:* The sharp corner of the dishwasher door. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Chaoslessness: General Kelly's impossible mission. (Jesse Frankovich) *Basebleah: What Phillies fans have been watching all season. (Frank Mann, Washington) *Liecense:* One of several legal documents required to run for federal office. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Shiksa kebab:* Barbecued pork on skewers. (Mark Raffman) *Donald: An old cartoon character famous for his ruffled feathers and spluttering outbursts. (Melissa Balmain) *Weddling: Going Momzilla on the nuptials. "We were going to have a simple ceremony, but that was before my mother started weddling." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Bleaking news: Let's face it, it's all bad. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Diss-ease: A compulsion to fire off insulting tweets. (Mark Raffman) *Geeze:* What really old guys do. (Beverley Sharp) *Wowbegone: Middle-aged. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) *Delivision:* Did you ever notice how people stare, entranced, at the "Now Serving No. ___" sign like it's the most entertaining thing they've ever seen? (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Wensch:* The hooker with a heart of gold. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Swindfall: A fake insurance claim. (Beverley Sharp) *Ecchceed: To go beyond someone's worst predictions. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Fiascoincide:* To have everything go horribly wrong simultaneously. (Jeff Contompasis) *Nochos: A midnight snack. (Jeff Contompasis) *Hehab:* Hooking up with a hot guy after a breakup. (Mark Raffman) *I of a Cyclone: He's so vain, he probably thinks this storm is about him. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *Déjà voodoo:* The unsettling feeling that we've tried these economic policies before. (Jesse Frankovich) *Blew-haha: A rejected Style Invitational entry. (Jesse Frankovich) *Nan Doylovich: The cyborg Loser I am inventing to enable me to dominate the Style Invitational! (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 2: our contest to take any sentence from The Post or another publication and write a question that it might (humorously) answer. See wapo.st/invite1246 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1248, published October 8, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1248: Fess up! Tell us a Colbert-style 'Midnight Confession' — or a real one. Plus winning Amazon reviews.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment October 5 // (Click here to skip down to the winning reviews of mundane products listed on Amazon) *"Sometimes when I'm out to dinner with my wife, I'll propose so we get free dessert."* — Stephen Colbert *"When someone sends me a save-the-date card, I don't even save the card." — Stephen Colbert *"During boring meetings, I pretend everyone present is naked. And good looking. And female. And a kangaroo." — Art Grinath, winner of Style Invitational Week 633 This week's contest has twin inspirations: The more recent one is Stephen Colbert's "Midnight Confessions" feature on his CBS show, now compiled into a new book by that title published by Simon & Schuster, the source of the first two "confessions" above. But it also harks back to Style Invitational Week 633, when back in 2005 the Empress asked for "secrets" — fictional or non-. (That contest, in turn, was inspired by the pioneering website PostSecret.com , to which people submitted true confessions — and still do — on /snail mail postcards.) / This week: Send us a brief "confession" — there will be categories for true and just-kidding — as in the examples above by Messes Colbert and Grinath. Tell us which category. If you're sharing an anecdote, it shouldn't run much longer than 50 words, but obviously pithy li'l quips are welcome as well. There might even be room for an embarrassing photo, such as when Jeff Brechlin got Week 633 ink by sharing the picture he'd taken of a large, healthy snapping turtle next to which he'd placed a basket containing his infant daughter. (She has survived.) If your feet are a little bigger than the Empress's, you might enjoy clomping around in this week's second prize. (No way is she letting go of her favorite socks.) (Mark Holt) Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1248* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of genuine unfinished pine Dutch-style wooden shoes; they're a bit large for the Empress, who wears a women's size 7. And they weigh more than a pound each; when you're walking down the hallway, people will /know. /Donated by Loser Pie Snelson. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 16; results published Nov. 5 (online Nov. 2). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. This week she shares the results of our 2005 "secrets" contest, including the picture with the baby and the snapping turtle. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1248 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *SNARK PLUGS: CREATIVE AMAZON REVIEWS FROM WEEK 1244* In Week 1244, we once again asked for funny reviews of particular mundane products listed on Amazon.com. We don't know why a toenail clipper was called a toenail clip, either. 4th place: *Revlon toenail clip:* This is a great product! Pretty sure I set a new distance record this weekend. I even shot one into the trash can without leaving the couch! (#nailedit!) (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 3rd place: *Home Premium 5-Piece Rubber Door Stopper, Brown:* Unsafe product!! After bending to set one up on the floor, I straightened up and cracked my skull on the freakin' doorknob! Not recommended!! (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) 2nd place and the removable-hair Trump "Over-Reaction Figure" : *Arm & Hammer Clump & Seal Multi-Cat Litter:* My kids were begging me all year for pet kitties, so I finally gave in and ordered your multi-cat litter. When the package arrived Christmas Eve, I let them open their gift early. Well, you forgot to put holes in the box — the only thing left of this litter of cats was dust. My kids and I were traumatized beyond belief — after New Year's we're going to counseling. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil:* It really works to block UFO thought control! The proof is in the anagram: WALL UP YOUR MIND FROM ALIENS! (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Empress also bought . . . : Honorable mentions *REVLON TOENAIL CLIP* They work okay but are too noisy. And it's not just me — everyone else in the restaurant seemed annoyed, too. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) This clip is so much better than barrettes or duct tape for keeping toe hair out of the way when I paint my nails! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Warning: This model does NOT come with a USB port! (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) *DENTEK EXTRA STRONG TRIPLE CLEAN FLOSS PICKS* Three stars: They work just fine for the first floss and were pretty okay for the double floss, but they barely held up for the triple floss on Day 3. (Nick Semanko, Washington) Like many with a philosophical bent, I like to walk the streets and floss my teeth and think deep thoughts. The smooth action of the DenTek Floss Pick frees my mind. Plus, this pick is indestructible. I know because I see the ones I tossed months ago still on the sidewalk, faded but holding together. Like me. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Unable to review — horse would not hold still. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) Having only three teeth, I was cheered beyond measure by DenTek's sensitivity in meeting the needs of the tri-toothed. It truly brought a tear to my (one) eye. (Rob Huffman, Fredricksburg, Va.) 1 star: Using these picks was quite painful, and I couldn't get a single booger out of my nose. (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) Worst picks ever — one star (and that's a mercy). That little string kept breaking when ever I strummed my guitar. "Extra strong" my a**!! (Rob Huffman) *PREMIUM 5-PIECE RUBBER DOOR STOPPER, BROWN* Three stars. Product performed well, once I finally got through to customer service and they explained how it works. Instructions should be included. (Andrew Elby, Arlington) Can't they use a different color? My second-graders refer to them as "brown wedgies" and I think that's just gross. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) I would have opened my doors to the Houston flood victims sooner, but these hadn't arrived yet. — Rev. J. Osteen, Houston (Jesse Frankovich) *ARM & HAMMER CLUMP & SEAL MULTI-CAT LITTER* It says my home will be odor-free for seven days. I plan to have my cats longer than that, so this doesn't work for me. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Saturday nights at the honky-tonk I run can be pretty wild, and I was having to skip church Sunday mornings just to clean up. Then I tried Clump & Seal! Now that spilled blood clumps right quick — and if some juicer uses a corner as a urinal, what's to mind? Arm & Hammer gave my Sundays back to the Lord! (Lawrence McGuire) You know those Premium Door Stoppers everyone's talking about? They're totally unnecessary if you use Arm & Hammer Clump & Seal Multi-Cat Litter! Just mold those clumps by hand into little wedges, then dry them on the kitchen table until they are rock solid. Eat your heart out, dog owners! (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *REYNOLDS WRAP ALUMINUM FOIL, 75 SQ. FT* *Five stars — best product ever!* I* just used some hot glue* and pressed carefully, and now my 1965 avocado stove and fridge look just like the stainless-steel stuff on those fancy home-shopping shows. I wish this came in red so I could do the car, too! (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) Although the box says it can cover 75 square feet, the product is good for wrapping normal-shaped feet, too. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) Pointless! Who owns a 75-square-foot cookie sheet? (Kyle Hendrickson) They're betting you'll think 75 square feet is a lot, but at only 0.0000525 feet thick, that's less than four thousandths of a cubic foot! What a rip-off! (Jesse Frankovich) I try to buy the organic aluminum foil rather than this factory-made stuff, which is low in essential oils. Check out my blog on the forge-to-table movement. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) The description says this product "can withstand both heat and cold," but I question the "heat" part: My microwave oven doesn't get very hot at all, but this foil sure didn't stand up even to that. Lame! (Duncan Stevens) This material was perfect for my Comic-Con C3PO costume until I used the fly, which tore irreparably. So I converted it to a bottomless R2D2, making Nos. 1 and 2 a breeze. 4.5 stars! (Dave Prevar) Free shipping with Amazon Prime is a real cost-saver when you're ordering 124,166 rolls delivered to Devil's Tower, Wyoming! "" Christo and Jeanne-Claude (Larry Yungk) *HIGH FIVE POOP EMOJI POOL FLOATER INFLATABLE LOUNGER* This is literally the biggest piece of crap I've ever gotten from Amazon! Five stars!! (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.; Jesse Frankovich) Highly inaccurate — one look at this poop and you can tell it would be a sinker, not a floater. For reference on what is and is not a floater, I have attached several photos . . . (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) Thanks to this fine product, no pesky neighbors ever ask to use my backyard pool. (It might also be the 30 dozen boxes of "Daisy Yellow" glass tile.) (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *POOP EMOJI FLOAT plus BROWN DOOR STOPPERS* If you're like me and use an inflatable poop emoji as a lawn gnome, you know what's missing — feet. I ordered two packages of these brown door stoppers to make a full set of toes. (Kevin Dopart) You'll have even more fun in the pool if you buy some brown door stoppers to use with it. Given people's frame of mind after seeing you on this float, if you discreetly drop a brown lump or two while you're paddling along you'll soon have the pool to yourself! (Kevin Dopart) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct.9: our contest to reinterpret movie titles. See wapo.st/invite1247 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1249, published October 15, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1249: Ask Backwards 36 — we answer, you question Plus winning stupid complaints to The Post The IQ test showdown -- or shoedown. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment October 12 Follow @PatMyersTWP //(Click here to skip down to the winning rants at The Post and other papers) A. Melania's left shoe. Q. Whom in the White House — or what — has Trump /not/ challenged to an IQ test? A. Oops, that was a typo. Q. Secretary Tillerson, did you really write "[redacted]" in the stall of the White House men's room? * A Slim Jim smoothie Melania's left shoe Blecchsit A fidget spinner, an infinity scarf and Cher 280 characters I don't think they have that at Whole Foods Oops, that was a typo Wynken, Blynken and Stynken Despacheeto Mike Pence's favorite pastime Fluffy or something The comma before the storm * Fargo, North Dakota * Nose hair extensions * There's still no app for THAT Yes, it's the 36th time — at least — that The Style Invitational has run this contest in its almost 25-year history, though the last time was 13 months ago. *This week: Choose any of the 15 items above and follow it with a question that it could humorously answer,* as in the examples above. Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1249* (all lowercase). This Loser-commissioned T-shirt printed in Maori and English is this week's second prize. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a unique prize (except for one other, still in the possession of its creator): *an enormous custom-made T-shirt* that says, in Maori, /"Kaua e uapare mai. I tuku Poti ahau ki a Hillary!"/ As well as its English translation, "Don't blame me! I voted for . . . ." Donated by Loser Ed Sobansky, who had it made before he and his wife visited New Zealand earlier this year; "it helped me not to have to answer the constant question from the Kiwis: 'What's up with this Trump fella, anyway?' " (If you end up in second place but did not vote for Hillary, or just don't want the shirt, you may have a mug or bag instead.) *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 23; results published Nov. 12 (online Nov. 9). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1249 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *A LOAD OF CARP: THE RANTS OF WEEK 1245* In Week 1245* we invited you to complain "in a humorously missing-the-point way" about something in The Post or another publication. Some of you made the mistake of pointing out actual inaccuracies, like the "$81" that was supposed to be "$81,000," or the fact that The Car Pages is actually A Car Page, or that the Weekend section has listings for the whole week. Or you noted valid irritants, like ad stickers covering parts of the front page. We can't stand those either, so no ink for you. 4th place: Once again, The Post's TV critic thoughtlessly ruins the viewing experience. I was eagerly awaiting the PBS documentary on the Vietnam War until Hank Stuever blabbed, "It ended 30 years later in failure." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place: I am appalled by the sexist photo you published that focused lasciviously on men's muscular buttocks. Of course, it was by a female photographer — a man would never have taken a picture of NFL players bent forward in a huddle. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) 2nd place and the Romney campaign magnets plus the "I Believe The Post" magnet : I have experienced your unbalanced coverage firsthand: Two of my obnoxious neighbors — one had a dog that once pooped on my lawn; the other never returned my pruning shears — died in the past year. And each received a glowing obituary — yet not once was I contacted to provide my side of the story. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: My well-intentioned but not-so-bright friend wrote some time ago to alert you that some of the people pictured in your death notices did not look dead. It's silly, I know. But going forward, you can eliminate this problem simply by superimposing X's over their eyes. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) Rants' tomb: Honorable mentions If The Post claims to care about the truth when it comes to science, then tell me why the Sept. 10 "Doonesbury"* shows the crescent moon pointing the wrong way in the Northern Hemisphere! Cancel my subscription immediately. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) I don't understand why you have a category of advertisement called *"Legal Notices."* Is there also a page of "Illegal Notices" that I need to look for? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Enough already with all the fake news about President Trump!* Now for the truth — please tell us how things have been going for President Clinton all year! (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Why have the media not applied more pressure to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin? It is patently wrong that U.S. money* honors a president who forcibly relocated nonwhite Americans into deplorable conditions. The FDR dime must go! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Yet again, The Washington Post has entirely ignored the state sales tax battle in Olympia /and/ the trash pickup controversy on the Seattle waterfront! #LiveUpToTheName (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) The White House chief of staff does not own this town! So why does The Post print on Page B3, five times a week, "John Kelly's Washington"?* Besides, dude, get a new photo! (Mike Creveling, La Plata, Md.) Tell your owner that we're on to his subliminal shenanigans. The bottom of the front page of Monday's A-section directed us to an article on Page 11 — a prime number. As in Amazon Prime.* And what did I also find on that page? An ad for a kitchen remodeling company. What do you put in kitchens? That's right, food. Which you can buy from, oh, perhaps . . . Whole Foods? Coincidence? I think not. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) Hey, Gregg J. Fernandes, Washington Post vice president for customer care and logistics: My daughter Olivia, who's a big fan of KidsPost, was sick today.*But when I called you to come watch her,* you didn't show up or even arrange for someone to do it! That's not "care" and it's not even "logistics!" (Mark Raffman) Judging by the putrid quality of your publication, I can only assume the name "The Washington Post" was chosen as an*anagram of "That news thing's poo*" — not to mention an anagram of "What pigs! Not Honest!" (Jesse Frankovich) Why did you print*the crossword puzzle right below the Sept. 21 KidsPost?* Our 9-year-old figured out the clue "Big glitch" was for "snafu," then looked it up in the dictionary and learned a disgusting word. Shame on you! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Since it's not very useful to dwell on whether you needed an umbrella/yesterday,/ your paper sensibly focuses on what weather to expect in the /future. /Yet in the same section, you print only *yesterday's lottery numbers!* Why the inconsistency? (Kevin Dopart) Yet again the liberal elite Post shows an insulting failure to understand us regular Americans. That op-ed headline*"Just when you think Republicans can't get more irresponsible . . . "?* I assure you that I have NEVER thought that Republicans couldn't get more irresponsible. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) I'm sick and tired of trying to decode those secret messages that The Post prints in tiny type at the top of its pages, like "EZ RE K" at the top of my Sept. 24 Weather page. Is that a subliminal advertisement for a tow truck company? And who is "EZ SU?" I'd sure like to meet her! (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) [We'll leak this top-secret code in this week's Style Conversational column.] Browsing the online classifieds today, I was appalled to discover a link for The Post's*"Place a death notice"* service. I can't believe the paper would take money to publish mortal threats! Can't people make do with a "Place a stern warning" service instead? (Frank Osen) I am both appalled and terrified that The Post published my Social Security number* in its Sunday print edition. Sure, you broke up the digits and placed them randomly throughout the page numbers. But it took me less than a minute to hunt down all nine — and surely a sophisticated hacker could do it even faster. (Hildy Zampella) Must your lingerie advertisements be so graphic? I don't mind having to take cold showers in the summer, but chilly weather is approaching. — M. Pence, Washington (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) So according to your ad, The Post is giving a $5 discount off Taste of DC —*"the largest culinary festival in the mid Atlantic."* Like that's going to help much toward paying for a cruise to the middle of the ocean. (Dave Prevar) The Post wrote on and on about*the Redskins' game-winning touchdown *against the Rams — but /not one word/ my grandson's near touchdown reception in Saturday's flag football game at the community center. Even though the quarterback made a terrible pass, Tyler made a valiant effort to catch it, and the defensive back was all over him. Did the refs call interference? No! Were they paid off? This clearly calls for a media investigation. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The Washington Post has a "Vice President for Audience Development & Insights"?* Perhaps that VP is not yet aware of my many insightful Style Invitational entries that have gone unrecognized by the Empress! And I must note that my mom said that if she doesn't see my name in the results soon, she's going to cancel her subscription.** (Ivars Kuskevics) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 16: our contest for Colbert-style "midnight confessions." See wapo.st/invite1248. ====================================================================== WEEK 1250, published October 22, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1250: Poems of the year(s)— 'time-travel' with Merriam-Webster Write a poem including some words that were first used in the year of your choice(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment October 19 // (Click here to skip down to this week's Questionable Journalism winners) *1917, by Gene Weingarten: * /A sociopathic columnist* from Nowheresville,* America, Was prone to violent topics that would make his readers wince, Like mustard gas and ack-ack* guns and other esoterica. But "cooties"* got him fired, and he's not been sighted since. / This week's contest focuses on Time Traveler, a fascinating new online feature from Merriam-Webster, the dictionary folks. If you go to merriam-webster.com/time-traveler, you can search on any year (or era) from "before 12th century" to 2010 to see a list of words and phrases whose "first known use" in writing occurred that year. (Of course, the Empress checked out her birth year and was surprised that terms as old-sounding as "short fuse" and as new-sounding as "hive mind" both were babies when the E was.) *This week: Write a humorous poem incorporating three or more terms from a particular year or era listed on Time Traveler,* as in the example above by The Washington Post's Joke Poet Laureate, who managed to get /six /words from 1917 — no, that's not his birth year — into four lines. Note, however, that the humor and readability of the poem are more important than cramming it with words from the list. As always with Style Invitational poetry contests, longer entries have to merit the space they take up; shorter is often better, though we'll probably run a mix of lengths. Because our entry form won't show boldface, please CAPITALIZE your year-words. And, duh (first known use: 1943), tell us what year.* As always, you may enter up to 25 poems, any of them from any year. Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1250* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives some genuine swag: a Merriam-Webster tote bag, part of thecompany's new line . The bag is labeled with the hashtag #BringBackFortnightly; below it are the M-W definitions for "biweekly": 1. Occurring twice a week. 2. Occurring every other week, a.k.a ."fortnightly." In other words, "fortnightly" is a word we need because we ruined "biweekly." The words for wear: A tote bag with this logo — use it biweekly — is this week's second prize. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 30; results published Nov. 19 (online Nov. 16). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jon Gearhart; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. This contest was suggested by Jeff Shirley. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1250 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *MULTI-ASKING: 'QUESTIONABLE JOURNALISM' WINNERS FROM WEEK 1246* In Week 1246, as we do about once a year, we invited you to choose any sentence in The Post that week (and this year we extended it to other publications), then write a question that the sentence might answer (if it were, say, used in a humor contest). 4th place: /Sentence from The Post:/ Blasting will be done during the day and "very rarely" at night or on weekends. * /Question it could answer: /How will the Purple Line construction differ from the president's use of Twitter? (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) 3rd place: *A. Two people walk by, speaking Swedish.* Q. What is a sure sign that my wife picked the movie we are watching? (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) 2nd place /and the little foam balls that turn into spiny mittens: / *A. "We cannot acknowledge every submission." *Q. Hey, Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan, why don't you tally how often legislators kowtow to the president? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *A. "I would say I don't usually love red and browns together." Q. What Donald Trump comment got the U.N. Security Council meeting off to a terrible start? (Steve Honley, Washington) No-thank Q: Honorable mentions *A. Sooner or later, Mueller is going to have to start dropping shoes. Q: Is it just me or is this the lamest striptease you've ever seen? (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *A. The finale was simply a parade of short dresses exploding with feathers.* Q: How did Chief of Staff Kelly revise the traditional morning briefing in order to hold the president's attention? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *A: It's harshly worn, as if eroded over millennia, yet it retains strength and grace.* Q: Why do you still have that ratty bra? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *A. Prepare to make lots of friends in the coming days.* Q. Now that you've won the Powerball jackpot, what are you going to do? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *A. We're going to find out really quickly where the bar is. Q. What's the first thing that new residents of Topeka say? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *A. "It's like looking at the sun."* Q. What did the president say after viewing the eclipse? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *A. Each hard check drew a collective "ooh" or "aah." Q. What was the reaction among Republican lawmakers when the Koch brothers visited Capitol Hill? (Mark Raffman) *A. A year later, they moved into a 300-square-foot studio in Manhattan.* Q. When did the Joneses realize they'd made it into the 1 percent? (Mary Kappus, Washington) *A. There is not $1 trillion of federal money available.* Q. Why did several Cabinet members recently change their vacation plans? (Jesse Frankovich) *A. "What is your impression of President Xi Jinping?" Q. What question strikes terror in the hearts of Chinese comedians? (Steve Honley) *A. We do not tire. We do not take sick days. We do not unionize. We cost $7 an hour.* Q. What lines did President Trump add to the oath for new U.S. citizens? (John Hutchins) *A. If you don't feel up to digging all that out, that's reasonable. Q. What would be a polite but ill-advised thing to say to your cancer surgeon? (Duncan Stevens) *A. "That's a tribute to how hard our guys are playing."* Q. Dean, what's your response to the charges that your college is a party school? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *A. The short answer is yes. Q. Do politicians often give long, rambling responses to simple questions? (Duncan Stevens) *A. My hope was it would attract that piece of the population that's ambivalent. Q. Who on earth would join the Whatever Society for the Advancement of Apathy? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *A. Just go easy on the poor soul who thought they could fool you.* Q. What advice is a grammar pedant not likely to listen to? (Chris Doyle) *A. The first thing to consider is whether you want privacy in that area.* Q. What should you keep in mind when buying yoga pants? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *A. They're a must-order, especially after being dunked in the restaurant's slightly sweet ponzu citrus soy sauce.* Q. Why does that new sushi place charge diners for towels? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *A. The models emerged wearing enormous court dresses with panniers and hoops. Q. How did the Miss USA contestants guard against unwanted advances? (John Hutchins) *A. "He might get ran over a little bit." Q. What might happen to a guy who's texting as he walks in front of the hay wagon? (Beverley Sharp) *A. Press the stem end, and if it's soft to the touch, it's ripe." *Q. I'm impressed with our new applicant, sir, but I'm not sure if she's really ready for the job. What do you think?" (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) *A. The collection wasn't surprising or delightful or even wildly bewildering.* Q. Why don't hipsters ever last more than a day or two as garbagemen? (Brendan Beary) *A. You find it in you because that's what you signed up for. Q. How did you suddenly end up with a microchip implant after updating your iPhone? (Kevin Dopart) *A. I wake up every day well aware of my good fortune, loving the work I do, loving my life, realizing that life is a crapshoot and I'm on a roll second to none.* Q. Mr. President, what do you think about people selling toilet paper with your picture on it? (Frank Osen) *A. Because he would have killed them.* Q. Why did no one ever tell Chuck Norris any Chuck Norris jokes? (Duncan Stevens) *A . "Their culture is incompatible with ours." Q. Why did Dannon's chairman say he nixed a merger with Chobani? (Mark Raffman) *A. "Obviously there's great division in this nation right now." Q. Secretary DeVos, why do you think your programs have improved third-graders' proficiency in math? (Mark Raffman) *A. Whatever the actual number is, we know it's in the trillions. * Q. How many hours did Losers waste reading articles for this contest? (Jesse Frankovich) *Still running — deadline Monday, Oct. 23: our Ask Backwards contest. See wapo.st/invite1249 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1251, published October 29, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1251: Thanking outside the box Tell us something to be thankful for. Plus new dialogue for movie titles. Be thankful that dogs don't know everyone else hates you. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment October 26 Follow @PatMyersTWP //(Click here to skip down to the winning reinterpretations of movie titles.) *I'm thankful that dogs don't know everyone else hates you. (Dave Prevar) *. . . that they don't allow remote controls at the movie theater.* (Art Grinath) *. . . that Uncle Billy finally croaked and I get a chance to sit at the big table.* (Rich Carlson) Four weeks from now, it's going to be Thanksgiving weekend, and — whuh-oh, suppose they start going around the holiday table asking what everyone's thankful for: Yikes, suppose you didn't have some snarkily inappropriate answer to pipe up? No worries — we're here to help, as we did back in 2006. Loser scion Matt Zampella stuffs this week's second prize with panache. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *This week: Tell us something to be thankful for, as in the examples above from Week 685. You may attribute your thanks humorously to someone else. Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1251 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, just in time to be a few days too late for Thanksgiving, a very fine plush roast-turkey hat complete with little toque-thingies atop the drumsticks. It's modeled here by Matt Zampella, son of Loser Hildy, who volunteered to pose wearing this thing in the middle of a restaurant during a recent Loser brunch. Donated by Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 6; results published Nov. 26 (online on Wednesday, Nov. 22, the day before Thanksgiving). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . "Film quips" in the headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1251 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *FILM QUIPS: REIMAGINED MOVIE PLOTS FROM WEEK 1247* **In*Week 1247 we asked you to reinterpret a movie title with a line from your "script." Number of fart jokes submitted about a reimagined "Gone With the Wind": 30. 4th place: *12 Years a Slave:* "No, Olivia, I don't think it's unfair that I expect you to help with the dishes /and/ keep your room clean." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 3rd place: *The Pelican Brief:* "And the pouch on our design will be so much roomier than Fruit of the Looms. We'll make a fortune!" (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) 2nd place and the book "Who Farted" : *Notting Hill:* "We will not fix health care. We will not fix immigration. We will not fix infrastructure. We will not fix taxes . . . " (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *A Man Called Horse:* "No, Mr. President, that is only half of what they call you." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Snubplots: Honorable mentions *Three Days of the Condor:* "More leftovers of this stuff? Why can't Mom cook turkey for Thanksgiving like everyone else?" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.; Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) *Boyz N the Hood: "Grand Wizard Duke, sir? I think we could broaden our appeal to, uh, less rural guys by calling ourselves something a little more hip. I have a suggestion . . . " (Danielle Nowlin) *The Thin Red Line:* "Confirming the suspicions of many riders, we have discovered that portions of the Metro were built out of tinfoil." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Full Metal Jacket:* "Now that one really suits you, Mr. 3PO." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *In the Heat of the Night:* "When your air conditioning goes out, call me: Mr. Tibbs." (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *For Your Eyes Only: "You know, you really shouldn't drink Visine." (Jesse Frankovich) *The Shawshank Redemption:* "I'm going to the pawnshop to get my shawshank back." (Gary Crockett) *Stand and Deliver:* "She's in labor! How can this hospital have no empty beds?" (Mark Prysant, Silver Spring, Md.) *The Cider House Rules:* "Man oh man, this is one awesome cider house." (Duncan Stevens) *The 39 Steps:* "Where's that stupid hex wrench? Sheez, I don't think we'll /ever/ get this bookshelf together . . ."(Larry Gray) *The 400 Blows:* "Sure, the Model 300 is underwhelming, but if you think the 300 sucks, believe me . . ." (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) *Apocalypse Now:* "But Mr. President, don't you think we should confer with the Joint Chiefs of Staff first?" (Danielle Nowlin) *Around the World in 80 Days:* "Mr. Fogg, United has the best baggage system in the industry. I guarantee your bag will be returned very soon." (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Bridge of Spies:* "You see, the microphone device fits right here inside the dental material . . ." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Captain Phillips:* "Lieutenant Flathead, it looks like we're really screwed — unless the Captain turns up in time." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Chain Reaction:* "He told me it was 14-karat, but look! It turned my neck green!" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Clueless:* "Well, /I/ don't know, /was/ it Professor Plum in the ballroom with the candlestick? You tell me — I'm just the caterer." (Colin Schatz, Oakland, Calif.) *Free Willy:* "In sports news, we have to pixelate the results of the men's marathon in Slovakia . . ." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Hidden Figures:* "Do you really think you'll have any success selling burqas in Beverly Hills?" (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *Hidden Figures:* "I want to know why all the people in that yuge inauguration crowd didn't show up in the photos!" (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) *How to Train Your Dragon:* "Well, it'll depend on what works for you. For me, thinking of baseball does the trick, though in an emergency you could think of Grandma in her swimsuit." (Danielle Nowlin) *Invasion of the Body Snatchers:* "I'm sorry, sir, but the dressing room is for pageant contestants only." (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) *Love Actually:* "Is it '15-zero' or '15-oh'?" (Jesse Frankovich) *Mrs. Doubtfire:* "Get real, Oog. You no expect me believe you make flames with two sticks." (Jesse Frankovich) *No Strings Attached:* "If you walk out that door, Pinocchio, you are on your own!" (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *Strangers on a Train:* "Watch it, you guys, you're standing on my bridal gown!" (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *The NeverEnding Story:* "Sure, why not take another crack at Repeal and Replace?" (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *The Thing:* "Grandson, could you bring me over that . . . whatchamacallit . . ." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *There Will Be Blood:* "It's just a garbage disposal, Sharon, how hard could it be to fix?" (Danny Wysong, Crozet, Va.) *Wall-E:* "And in the event that the Mexicans make it past my first four great, great walls . . ." (James Kruger, New York) *Must Love Dogs:* "No way! I'll do nudity, but I am /not/ doing a scene like that!" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *The Quiet Man:* " ." (Larry Gray) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 30: our contest for poems using words that were new in a certain year. See wapo.st/invite1250 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1252, published November 5, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1252: It's a med, med, med, med world Name a drug and say what it would treat. Plus the winning (mostly un-)True Confessions. Name a drug and say what it would treat. Plus the winning (mostly un-)True Confessions. Nadvil. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment November 2 //(Click here to skip down to the winning "(un)True Confessions)" *Nadvil:* Relieves post-vasectomy pain. (Tom Witte) *Non-interferon: A black-market drug often slipped to unsuspecting in-laws. (Meg Sullivan) *Herbal Hoover: A tranquilizer that's been taken off the market because it was found to cause depression. (Chester Myslicki) Here's a contest we haven't run since 2000 (when it was suggested by the 11-year-old son of the Czar), and surely we could use some more suggestions to cure what ails us: This week: Invent a clever name for a new medical product, and specify the condition it would treat,* as in the examples above from Week 356. It's a poker game and a shell game in one: a fitting prize for a Loser, no? (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1252 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives yet another in our series of Tacky Sculptures Made Entirely of Little Shells, and in fact our second of the Shells Playing Poker subgenre. In this one, it's all shells except for the cards; even the pile of poker chips is an itty-bitty snail house. This fine artwork was donated years ago by either Chronic Shell Art Donor Cheryl Davis of Chronic Shell Art Donor Nan Reiner; neither can remember, so I'll call it a nefarious conspiracy between them. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 13; results published Dec. 3 (online Nov. 30). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Tom Witte; Tom also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1252 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *FOOL DISCLOSURE: THE (UN)TRUE CONFESSIONS OF WEEK 1248 In Week 1248* we asked for some "(un)true confessions" like the ones in Stephen Colbert's long-running bit. About a dozen people confessed that /they/ were the one who let the dogs out. "ƒWe also invited true true-confessions. Among them were several that the Empress greeted with "Well, sure,/I/ do that": They included eating the entire apple, including the core; refilling bottles of brand-name water from the tap; and, of course, singing along with pop songs but correcting their grammar. I mean, doesn't everyone? I messed around with the letters on this church marquee . . ." (anagram by Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) (Photoshop play by Jon Gearhart) 4th place: When I see the sign "Caution! Wet Floor," I do. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) 3rd place: When people post photos of their children on Facebook, I respond using the "sad" emoticon. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) 2nd place and the big cloppy wooden shoes : The truth is, I trust my husband completely. I just like getting invited to all those fancy business dinners. — K. Pence (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: I cut my tofu into animal shapes. I usually eat the heads first. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Disc'losers': Honorable mentions If I finish the toilet paper roll, I leave a stick-it note on the holder to remind my wife. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) I pour my Sam's Club Scotch into a Costco Scotch bottle so people will think I'm classy. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) I sometimes sneak up behind my co-workers and scare them by popping a paper bag. Look, you've got to find ways to pass the time when you're in the Secret Service. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Although I have never been there, I have done that. And I would do it again. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) I extend the five-second rule to 10 for spilled beer. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) In public toilets I belt out "Elmo's Potty Time Song" to mask the gross sounds my body is making. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) One time a date seemed to suspect my "British accent," so I started driving on the left side of the road to maintain the ruse. (Ben Aronin, Washington) Sometimes I call in sick to work when I'm actually sick. (Leigh Giza, Bristow, Va.) To be completely honest, I kind of went trepidatiously where no man had gone before. — J. Kirk, Riverside, Iowa (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) I kept my legs crossed for a whole 2½ minutes so that we could have the first baby of the New Year. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) To toughen my kids up, I throw their old art projects in the recycling bin without turning them face down. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Last night I rearranged the letters on the local church marquee: "CHOOSE THE BREAD OF LIFE OR YOU WILL SURELY BE TOAST" became "SHARE OF YOUR LOAF OR YOULL BE SLICED TO THE WEE BITS." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) In restaurants, I pretend to blow my nose so I can hide that I'm picking my teeth. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) I regularly pee in the pool. You do, too? Well, I mean the carpool. (Mike Creveling, La Plata, Md.) I told the police officer I was texting. Truthfully, I was painting my toenails. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) After years of picking up after my dogs, I found that if I first put my hand in the plastic bag and use it like a glove, I didn't have to actually touch the poop! (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.) I try to impress girls by telling them I played football for the University of Phoenix. (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) Instead of using lots of little pet waste bags, I'll use a 20-gallon trash bag until it's full. (Jeff Shirley) Sometimes I eat ice cream out of the carton. But if I don't like it, I put it right back in the grocer's freezer. (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) Sometimes I wash my hands after going to the restroom, so I won't have to tell a lie. (Lee Graham, Washington) When I'm dissolving a corpse in acid I can't help singing the Roto-Rooter jingle: ". . . and away go troubles down the drain." (Gary Crockett) Every Valentine's Day, I send several flower arrangements to myself at work, each with a large card reading, "To the World's Greatest Lover." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) I always stand during the national anthem, but when I do, I fantasize about moving to Canada. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) I defiantly take a knee for the national anthem. Well, actually, I sit. Well, I stay seated on my couch. So I guess I take a butt for the national anthem. (Duncan Stevens) I enjoy eating just half of one Lay's potato chip. (Kevin Dopart) I watch five minutes of lots of terrible movies on Netflix, just to mess with the algorithm for the rest of the family. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. And I /know/ how he got in my pajamas. (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria, Va.) When I realized I had 13 items in a 12-item checkout line at the grocery store, I avoided the guilt by eating the candy bar. (Dave Prevar) When I step on a crack, it doesn't break my mother's back, but it does give squirrels hemorrhoids. (Steve McClemons, Arlington) I, personally, did not wang chung last night , as I had wang chunged the previous night. (Duncan Stevens) You scratch my back, I'll still never scratch your disgusting back. (Rob Huffman) I had to look up the meaning of "FOMO" because I was afraid of missing out on what all the cool kids were saying. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) My friend once sang out of tune. I stood up and walked out on him. (Duncan Stevens) I once drank all the Communion wine because my pastor said God helps those who help themselves. (Jesse Frankovich) My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard even though it's actually made with nondairy frozen dessert. (Danielle Nowlin) Nearly as hard as writing 2,500 entries for this week's contest was coming up with 99 believable pseudonyms. (Fresse Jankovich, Gland Redge, Mich.) *And some actually true confessions!* I once called 911 to report a home invasion because I forgot it was my wife's day off. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) The only "Science Friday" episode I understood was the one about making jam. (Sandy Moran, Santa Rosa, Calif.) Sometimes when my child couldn't find a favorite book he wanted me to read yet again, it's because I'd just kicked it under the couch. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) (See this week's Style Conversational column, published late Thursday afternoon, for some other true true-confessions that are fascinating if not exactly funny.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 6: Our contest for Things to Be Thankful For. Seewapo.st/invite1251. ====================================================================== WEEK 1253, published November 12, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1253: Fashion x fiction — a fake-trivia contest Plus our Ask Backwards winner and Losers(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment November 9 Follow @PatMyersTWP // (Click here to skip down to the Ask Backwards winners) In his original concept drawings for the*dunce cap,* inventor I.M. Becile suggested it be worn with the opening facing up and the point balanced on the head. (Bob Staake) Joseph Ascot created*the necktie when his wife bet he couldn't come up with an article of men's clothing that was totally useless and still make money off it. (Neal Starkman) Veteran ballerinas do not need to wear the usual reinforced toe shoes,* because the bones in their feet have become fused en pointe. (Paul Kocak) The Style Invitational — since 1993 your go-to place for Genuine Fake News — presents its latest call for fictoids, in a category suggested long ago by Loser Christina Courtney: This week: Tell us some totally bogus trivia about clothing or fashion, as in the examples above from our various earlier Invite fictoid contests, plus our artist Bob Staake's Own Loopy Mind. Proclaim your Loserness from on high with this week's custom-knitted second prize. (Hat designed and knitted by Catharine Mefford) Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-the-invite-1253 (all lowercase; note the slightly different wording from the usual). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place, apropos of this week's contest, receives this just-completed and clearly highly fashionable "Style Ink" knit hat , meticulously handcrafted and donated by Catharine Mefford of Manassas, Va. Cat isn't a Loser but is a (duh) big fan of the Invite — "One good read and I was hooked," she lamented to the Empress — and a member of the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 20; results published Dec. 10 (online Dec. 7). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1253 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *THEY WILL ROCK Q: 'ASK BACKWARDS' RESULTS* ** Week 1249* was the 36th running of our contest in which we offered a list of short "answers" and the Losers supplied the questions. Too many people to credit noted that the fidget spinner, the infinity scarf and Cher all seem to go on forever, and that something Whole Foods doesn't have is half-and-half. 4th place: *A. 280 characters.* Q. To stave off helicopter parents, what's the safest criterion for choosing a high school musical? (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: *A. Mike Pence's favorite pastime.* Q. What are cold showers? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) 2nd place and the T-shirt saying 'Don't blame me, I voted for Hillary' in Maori : *A. Melania's left shoe. Q. Can you name one of the three ostentatious heels attached to the first lady? (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *A. A fidget spinner, an infinity scarf and Cher.* Q. What does your kid think is cool, your mom think is warm and your grandpa think is hot? (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) Q and nays: Honorable mentions *MELANIA'S LEFT SHOE* Where is the one place in her relationship where the first lady can put her foot down? (Ralph Nitkin, Rockville, Md.) What did Cinderella refuse to try on, for fear that it would fit? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *OOPS, THAT WAS A TYPO *Can we get the seafood platter without the crap cakes? (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) What was the president's tweet right after he accidentally tweeted the missile launch codes? (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) Ironically, what explanation has been used far more often since the advent of spell-check? (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) What do you /never/ want to hear a blood bank announce? (Steve Honley, Washington) What the heck is a tyop? (Jesse Frankovich) *A SLIM JIM SMOOTHIE* What's the centerpiece of the South Dakota Cleanse? (Annie Sawamura, Southbridge, Mass.) What nickname did Donald Trump discard as not being demeaning enough for James Comey? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) What do they call a guy roaming the NASCAR after-parties trying to hit on the ladies? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) What is made to order by a soda jerky? (Frank Mann, Washington) What is another name for diarrhea? (Bird Waring) *280 CHARACTERS* What do you get by doubling Twitter, or halving "Game of Thrones"? (Andrew Elby, Arlington, Va.) What is 140 characters more than most people need to fully demonstrate their complete banality? (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) What is the recommended length of passwords for Equifax accounts? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) What would double the president's workload? (Brian Allgar, Paris) What do Twitter programmers hope will be "enough rope" for the president? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) I*DON'T THINK THEY HAVE THAT AT WHOLE FOODS* Honey, will you pick me up a bag of frozen GMO batter-dipped manatee nuggets? (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Where do I go to get buns of steel? (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) Have you ever had to eat humble pie? (Bird Waring) What did Alexa keep saying to Jeff Bezos when he kept telling her to "buy Whole Foods"? (Ivars Kuskevics) *WYNKEN, BLYNKEN & STYNKEN* What medical office has two specialists in eye surgery and one in hemorrhoid removal? (Mark Raffman) What poem tells the story of three children who sailed off in a wooden loo? (Mark Calandra, Sudbury, Mass.) How did the film industry spend 20 years dealing with Harvey Weinstein? (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) Hey, what was goin' on at Syngles Night at Ben's Chili Bowl? (Steve McClemons, Arlington, Va.) *MIKE PENCE'S FAVORITE PASTIME* What is crossing the days off the giant calendar in his kitchen? (Susan Kaplan, Tucson, a First Offender) *FLUFFY OR SOMETHING Congrats on getting that film studio job in the Valley, honey! What's your title? (Ben Aronin, Washington; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.; Mark Raffman) Mr. President, what was the name of your most beloved childhood pet? (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.; J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) Mr. King! Larry King! We understand you're getting married for the ninth time; what's the new bride's name? (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) *FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA* What U.S. city has had exactly as many NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL champions as Washington in the last three decades? (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) What city is nicknamed "The Town That Always Sleeps"? (Rob Huffman) Where do you need a background check to buy a wood chipper? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) How far do I need to travel outside the Beltway to find affordable housing? (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) *THE COMMA BEFORE THE STORM* Of the Vietnam War, Watergate, and Hurricane Katrina, what still gets the most debate on Twitter? (David Garratt) What comes after every Trump tweet that starts with "Believe me"? (Kathy MacDonald, Columbia, Md.) What's Italian for "momentary truce"? (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) *NOSE HAIR EXTENSIONS* What made the prince suddenly retch when he finally reached Rapunzel's window? (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) What did my son seek out as part of his "Dad" Halloween costume? (Mark Raffman) What's one way to score a "0.0" in Date Lab? (Tom Witte) What's an anagram of "No sex is near in those"? (Jesse Frankovich) ** Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 13: our contest to name a new medication. See wapo.st/invite1252 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1254, published November 19, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1254: Inkorporation — a change-a-letter contest Plus the winning poems featuring words from particular years(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment November 16 Follow @PatMyersTWP // (Click here to skip down to the winning "year-poems") *Untie Anne's Pretzels: So soft they come undone.* (John Drummond) *Bloopingdale's: For great deals on irregular fashions. "‹*(Valerie Matthews) *Inko's: Documents copied by scribes while you wait. "‹*(Craig DuBose) "‹ This week's contest, suggested by 104-time Loser Matt Monitto, is one we've never done specifically before, though it's firmly in the tradition of so many "change-a-letter" Style Invitational contests: *Change the name of a present or past business, store or agency (not just a product) by adding one letter, deleting one letter, transposing two letters, or substituting one letter for another,* as in the examples above, which got ink in various Invite contests over the years. Mootercycle? A cow-on-bike glitter globe, this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) ** Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1254* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a substantially sized glitter globe containing, because why not, a*cow doing a wheelie on a motorcycle.* This fine sculpture — we named it Cowasaki — was initially donated by Prime Prize Donor Cheryl Davis and was won by Mark Raffman in 2014 with his second-place meteorological term, "Tropical repression: Stifling high-pressure system that has stalled over Cuba for the past 55 years." Incredibly, Mark has donated the globe back to the Empress (admittedly, we have given him 49 Invite prizes/not /counting Loser magnets . . .). *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 27; results published Dec. 17 (online Dec. 7). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jon Gearhart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1254 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *JEST IN TIME: THE YEAR-WORD POEMS OF WEEK 1250* **In Week 1250* we invited you to explore Merriam-Webster's nifty Time Traveler tool to see a list of English words and phrases that were first used in a certain year (or ancient century) — and then write a poem that included at least three of the words from a particular year. Many entrants noted that they'd chosen their birth years for their poems; presumably that's not true for the ones from the 15th century. (The year-words are in boldface.) 4th place: *1955: My flatmate* likes veggies* to eat, But my hidden agenda is meat. By replacing the /Beta/ / Vulgaris,/ I made a Beef borscht — he did not miss a beet! (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 3rd place: *1992:* His man cave was awesome, with gadgets galore, But he was a Class A misogynist boor. And yet, he had women, a new one each day; He called them arm candy, bestowed PDA. But none of these gals kept him warm in the winter: He'd made them at home on his cool 3-D printer*. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church,Va.) 2nd place and the Merriam-Webster 'fortnightly' tote bag : *1865:* Manny, with the mutton chops, the wheelman,* mostly placid, Joined with Alec, the smart aleck,* from the gin mill* down the street, For a heist* with a huge jackpot.* But the barbituric acid Al had taken just that morning made him pass out on his feet. Of this ragtag* team of robbers only Manny thus was able To confront the wealthy oilman* when he walked into the bank, And he drew his gun and told him, "Put the money on the table." Then he lost his nerve and laughed, and said, "This whole thing's a prank!" But the victim was well thought of* and well groomed*, and, well, was wealthy, And he summoned the police, and hook and ladder, and the mayor, And every anti-crime* official, and anybody who was healthy, And en masse the town descended, meaning Manny had no prayer. When Alec had awoken and saw Manny was surrounded, He was rightly pessimistic* that his friend would be alright. * So he told the group, "My friends, your keen suspicions are well founded. It was him, and him alone, and boy he gave that man a fright!" Then he jumped in Manny's wagon, and he drove it to the gin mill, And he lived a life of freedom, prisoner only to the drink, While his mutton-chopped accomplice soon was locked away in sinville, Where he spent his sleepless evenings on a box spring* in the clink. (David Ginensky, New York, a First Offender) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *1959: When my minivan* becomes a Lamborghini, When my panty hose* miraculously fits, When my plain vanilla* swimsuit's a bikini, When my klutzy* husband doesn't try my wits, When my personal computer spits out money, When my horror show* teens cease to act like jerks, When my nutjob* in-laws move to someplace sunny, That's when I'll know that Wicca* really works. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Downward doggerel: Honorable mentions *1579:* A significant* subject of jokes In an epithet*-filled shame-orama, *Widely* known as the fattest of folks— And the ugliest too—she's Your Mama! (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *1982:* Said the bimbette*, "I'll take this one here As my boy toy — just look at that rear!" But her friend said, "No dice, He won't look at you twice: See, your gaydar* needs tuning, my dear." (Mark Raffman) *1825:* Huffity, puffity, Our pompous president Thinks he can outdebate* Any and all. Truth is he's nothing but *Egomaniacal* — Just a huge lummox whose Hands are quite small. — R. Tillerson (Jesse Frankovich) *Before 12th century:* Mayor Rob Ford wasn't wise Getting filmed* smoking crack.* His demise Was assured when he tried To deny he had lied,* So now he's the Ford of the Lies.* (Jon Gearhart) It's sad that "graft," "corrupt"* and*"plundered"* Were all in use by 1500.* (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *1945:* Head honcho* to his Navy crew: "Relax, men. Here's what you can do: As you chugalug your Coke, You can make an A-bomb joke. You can holler, hoot or whistle Re our latest guided missile.* You can rank the pro and con Re our mighty Pentagon.* *Cold War* humor, and graffiti: * Touch-and-go (unless it's meaty). But Admiral Nimitz Is off-limits.*" (Mae Scanlan, Washington) *A haiku entirely of 14th-century words:* *Poetry pattern Specifies syllable count: Seventeen total.* (Jesse Frankovich) *1602:* We walk to her place; My heart ups its pace. Will she comply?* Oh, my "" yes! Oh my! Shoes dropping with thuds! A strewment* of duds! 'Twas an enviable* fling. But alas, there's one thing: "It can't be! It can't!" Oh, it is "" she's enceinte.* (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *1908:* Said the school bus* mechanic, "I'm scared. "I just can't fix this horn!" he declared. Then a Boy Scout* — no yob* — Said, "Let /me /do the job." And in minutes: "All set. Beep repaired." (Mark Raffman) *1651:* "I've read of your soup and its status: *Blue-ribbon, *in fact — yet it's gratis! So how could it be That your bean soup is free?" "You'll realize in 10 seconds . . . flatus.* " (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) *15th century: My new play's a big hit, I am*certain.* Act 1: Adolescents* start flirtin'. Act 2: They start datin'. Act 3: They start matin'. Act 4: The torn rubber.* [Drop curtain.] (Jon Gearhart) *1789:* In '89 of 17, Aristocrats were mighty mean To commoners who lived in France; These poor folks never stood a chance. But then one day they spread the news: "We've had it with the royal blues!* On bechamel* you gluttons feed, And all we get is beggarweed.* You care not that we waste away; You stuff your face with Montrachet.* Your royal waists are thickening, And /(sacre bleu!)/ it's sickening!* 'Eat cake,' you say? That's just a crock! We're going to clean your cuckoo clock.* When all is done and all is said, You'll rue the day you lost your head." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 1960: You can call me a kook or a crank, But my theme park idea, it's no prank! This new elder care* venture's A "Disney for Dentures" — "No-Tomorrowland"! How could it tank? (Mark Raffman) *1532:* His tweets are prattle,* His hair is orange,* He's easy to rattle. *Period. (You didn't say the poems had to rhyme.) (Kyle Hendrickson) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 20: our contest for totally bogus trivia about clothing and fashion. See wapo.st/invite1253 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1255, published November 26, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1255: Tour de Fours XIV — SANT is coming Plus the winning 'things to be thankful for' from Week 1251 Insanta Claus! (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment November 22 //(Click here to skip down to the winning Things to Be Thankful For) IN*SANT*A CLAUS: Mr. Kringle, it's cold out — please put your boots back on!* GYM*NAST*INESS: Whoa, it's not nice to spit on the tumbling mat . . . KAKI*STAN*"‹: A country ruled by its least qualified citizens . (Location unknown. Okay, known.)* Tour de Fours is an annual Invitational contest almost as old as the Empress's reign, run each time with a different set of four letters: *Coin a word or multi-word term that contains the letter block S-A-N-T *(since the results will run right before Christmas) and describe it, as in the examples above; the letters may be in any order, but there may be no other letters between them* (you may insert a space or hyphen). You might include a funny example of how the term would be used; that's how you'd beat out another Loser who thought up the same term. "Bath fizzies," a Christmas Pickle ornament and lumps of fake coal: It's our 2nd-prize Holiday Gift Pack. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1255* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — maybe but probably not in time for Christmas — this special Invite Holiday Pack *containing (a) a two-piece gift set of bath "fizzies" spelling out "HO," which the Empress snapped up immediately at a yard sale; (b) a "Christmas Pickle" ornament, alleged to be an old German tradition in which whoever finds the pickle on the Christmas tree gets to open the first present, though alas, it seems actually to have been thought up by an American marketer; and (c) a little red bag containing some pieces of fake coal, a promotion for some long-ago movie — and one piece of real coal. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 4; results published Dec. 24 (online Dec. 21). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Thanksgoofing" was submitted by both Tom Witte and Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1255 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *THANKSGOOFING: LET'S GO AROUND THE TABLE WITH THE WEEK 1251 WINNERS* **Just in time for Thanksgiving — or, for our print-edition readers, just in time to be too late for Thanksgiving — in Week 1251 we asked you to tell us things to be thankful for. 4th place: I'm thankful that turkey breasts don't have nipples. (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) 3rd place I'm thankful for the tax cuts we'll be getting, because life can be unsettling if you don't know where your next billion is coming from. (Nancy Provorny, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) 2nd place and the plush roast-turkey hat : I'm thankful that you can't smell Twitter. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: I'm thankful that Harvey won't ever be grabbing me again. — Oscar (John O'Byrne, Dublin) No merci: Honorable mentions I am thankful that Google doesn't ask, "Why do you want to know?" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) . . . for family! What, someone already said "family" Damn you all. You suck. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) . . . that the president's bone spurs didn't keep him from going to Vietnam this time. (Paul E. Milligan, Columbia, Md., a First Offender) . . . that Ken Burns hasn't made a documentary about the Hundred Years' War. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) . . . that I live in a country where anyone can grow up to be president. In fact, you don't even NEED to grow up! (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) . . . that they invented the euphemism "toilet" paper. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) . . . that my generation is the first to be so cool, our kids always want us to go out with them and their frien . . . Wait, sweetie, I'm still putting on my Uggs! (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) . . . that Grandpa no longer has the capacity to produce his usual flow of racist and sexist jokes. (Christy Tosatto, Brookeville, Md.) . . . that I'm not famous, so when two celebrities die I don't have to worry. (Steve McClemons, Arlington) . . . that our constitutional democracy was strong enough to survive 44 presidents in a row. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) . . . that my fellow woodworkers call me "Old Ten-Fingers." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Bros everywhere are grateful to Harvey Weinstein for giving them a good reason not to watch Miramax films. "I'm sorry, honey, I just can't see 'The English Patient.' It's just a matter of principle for me." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) . . . that the current state of cellphone technology still lets me use the "I guess we got disconnected" excuse. (Frank Mann, Washington) . . . that I don't live in a tiny, picturesque town in England, because I know from TV mysteries that half my neighbors would be murderers. (Melissa Balmain) . . . that the president is a teetotaler because OMG CAN YOU IMAGINE?? (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) . . . that Tofurky contains no toe fur. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) . . . that we're expected to eat the mascot only for Thanksgiving and not Groundhog Day. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) . . . that Hershey's Kisses are wrapped in tinfoil, because otherwise they would all be melted by those mind-controlling radio signals. (Dudley Thompson) . . . that I'm not Robert Mueller's food taster. (Duncan Stevens) . . . that the Silver Line will supply efficient public transit between Dulles and downtown D.C. in all likelihood at some point before I die. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) . . . that my kid doesn't remember me screaming "Stop stomping on my bladder, you little brat," at him before he was born. Also, I'm thankful he stopped stomping on my bladder. He's 17. That would hurt. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) . . . that a huge tax cut for the rich may bring me larger tips when I wait on their tables. (Robert Schechter) . . . that I received my colonoscopy pictures back in time to share them with you. (Frank Osen) . . . that the president has won the war on coal, because now there will be something in my kids' Christmas stockings. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) . . . that I can use this year's wall calendar again in 2062. (Mark Calandra, Sudbury, Mass.) . . . that so many people in my phone exchange care enough to call me every day. (Chris Doyle) . . . that the Internet allows me to buy ribbons for my manual typewriters. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) . . . that I'm naturally warm, because otherwise my cat wouldn't spend any time with me, since I am not tuna. (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.) . . . that Zargoth the Implacable is, as yet, unaware that I have escaped to your dimension. (Frank Osen) . . . that Grandma never found out that my first Communion was also my last. (Jon Graft, Centreville, Va.) . . . to President G.H.W. Bush for the Christmas goose. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) . . . that these oysters on the half-shell don't have faces. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) . . . that my ex's name is short enough to easily tattoo over. (Danielle Nowlin) . . . for the advancement of human civilization — we had a pretty good run going there for a while. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) */And last:/ Full of great thank I am magnificent Russia not ever no-way infiltrate the Washington Post Invitation to the Style. PS glorious Empress, you get my rubles? No yes? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 27: Our contest to change the name of a business by one letter and name the new one. See* *wapo.st/invite1254 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1256, published December 3, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1256: Picture this — a caption contest Plus: Har drugs — winning names for new 'medications' Plus: Har drugs — winning names for new 'medications'(By Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment November 30 Follow @PatMyersTWP // (Click here to skip down to the winning new names for medications) Regular members of the Loser Community, you know the drill. New readers, meet the drill. Drill, meet the new readers. This week: Provide a funny caption for any of the cartoons above,* created as always by Our Own (once a week, anyway) Bob Staake. It can be either a description or a quote of the character(s) in the picture. You may submit up to a total of 25 entries among the four pictures; begin /each/ entry "Picture A:" (or whichever letter), followed by the entry /on the same line /as that heading. (This will let the Empress sort the captions by picture, making her /much/ more likely to be in a good mood when judging. You don't want her to be sulky when she's reading your hilarious humor, do you?) Submit entries at this website: wapo.st/enter-invite-1256* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives abrand-new ball cap and koozie, or drink can holder, promoting an industrial ceiling fan company called Big Ass Fans. So you'll have your New Year's Eve party wear all ready to go. Donated by Big Loser Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 11; results published Dec. 31 (online Dec. 28). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Har Drugs" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. A cap for a caption: The fan company's logo swag. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1256 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HAR DRUGS: REPORT FROM WEEK 1252* **In Week 1252 we asked you to name a new medication or treatment and describe its use. The vast majority of the entries were wordplays on brand names of existing drugs; many of you touted that new bladder treatment, Niagra. 4th place: *Prozacne:* The good news is, you'll be happier . . . (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) 3rd place: *Middle digitalis:* Generic stress reliever; branded version marketed as Epineph-u. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the Shells Playing Poker sculpture : *Melodramamine: Relieves over-emotion sickness. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Mar-a-Lax:* A tool softener. (William Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.) Pharma C's: Honorable mentions *Head and Armpits and Crotches shampoo:* Because who has hair on their shoulders? (Larry Flynn, Greenbelt, Md.) *OKpectate: For just regular people. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) *Kaopuketate:* For when it's coming out of both ends. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Meta-metamucil: Alleviates constipation brought on by the fear of constipation. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Nogaine: Placebo for sports injuries. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Thotzenprerz: A generic drug used to treat gunshot wounds. (Jeff Siperly, Hyattsville, Md., a First Offender) *Chillaxin:* Be cool. Be regular. (Frank Mann, Washington) *Been-a-Drill:* Brings your heart rate down after a false alarm. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Pepto-Dismal:* It's brown. (Danielle Nowlin) *Celebrexit:* Say "cheerio!" to pain (note: side effects include withdrawal). (Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington) *Diagra: For when you want to go out with a bang. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Dramaquine:* Provides deep sleep for even your most theatrical carpool companion, so you'll never again have to hear, "Fasten your seat belts — it's going to be a bumpy night!" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Escortisone: Relieves certain forms of swelling. (Kevin Dopart) *Flipitor:* How to relieve your congressional headache in 2018. (Danielle Nowlin) *Foxycodone: It makes you more attractive, but only if your partner takes it. (Contains alcohol.) (Frank Mann) *Halls of Montezuma: Cough drops that also treat traveler's diarrhea. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Lambien:* Sleep aid for those too young to count sheep. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *N.Y.quil: Blocks out city noise, because "hey, I'm sleepin' here!" (Steve McClemons, Arlington, Va.) *Tiagra: What Dilbert takes to make his necktie do that. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *Vitamin B4:* Treats the aftereffects of time travel. (Dudley Thompson) *Blind Truss:* Puts control of the family jewels outside of one's hands. (Kevin Dopart) *Cannabris: Smoke this before you have to go to watch a circumcision and then eat from a platter of cold cuts. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Deep Ends: Extra-large, extra-absorbent. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Disrobetussin:* "Mr. Cosby, what did you say this medicine is called?" (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *All-Leave:* Post-holiday pill to restore sanity. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Roy Ashley, Washington) *Allbutteroll:* For instant weight gain. (Rob Cohen, Potomac) *Auntacid:* Helps neutralize effects of unsolicited family advice. (Beverley Sharp) *Etceterin: For all the things your other meds don't cure. (Rob Cohen; Steve McClemons) *Klepto-Bismol:* Something you just have to take. (David Friedman, Los Angeles) *Amigo Acid: Taking a trip's so much nicer with a friend. (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) *Probionics:* Gives you abs of steel — really! (Beverley Sharp) *Regina salve:* Don't pass on this Hail Mary solution for hopeless rashes. (Kevin Dopart) *Zipperex:* Ointment in the fly. (Dudley Thompson) *Warfarin:* For use if polling numbers do not recover by the final weeks of reelection bid. (Bret Koplow, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) *Stylenol PM:* Extra-strength formula for slogging through thousands of lame contest entries. — The Empress (Jesse Frankovich) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 4: our contest for new terms that include the letter block S-A-N-T, in any order. See wapo.st/invite1255 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1257, published December 10, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1257: The year in redo (Part 1) — our retrospective contest Enter any of our contests from last November-May. Plus winning false fashion facts. The Million Middle Managers March, Gary Crockett's winner in Week 1225.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment December 7 at 10:58 AM // (Click here to skip down to the winning fictoids about fashion and clothes) /Winner of Week 1225, novel protest marches and slogans: / The Million Middle Managers March: If It Were Up to Me, I'd Say Yes (Gary Crockett) /Winner of Week 1215, "X is so Y. . ." jokes: / My chiropractor is so unscrupulous, he charges Paul Ryan the same price as people who have backbones.* (Jeff Shirley) Have you ever wished you could just hit rewind on the whole year? More to the point, "ever" as in these past 12 months? The Empress is here for you, at least Invitationally, with our annual retrospective contest — this year spread across two weeks: This week we invite you to revisit Invite contests dating from last December through May — a time when some of us had trouble feeling the funny. This period covers some of our most popular perennial contests: obit poems , foal "breeding," "joint legislation," neologisms, jokes, headlines. And some zingy one-off contests as well. *Enter (or reenter) any Style Invitational contest from Week 1203 through Week 1229,* except for Weeks 1205 and 1206, last year's do-over contests. You may enter multiple contests as long as you don't submit more than 25 entries in all. For contests asking you to use that week's paper, use papers and online articles dated Dec. 7-18. For the obit poems, Week 1208, continue to write about people who died in 2016. You may resubmit non-inking entries from earlier contests. You'd have to eat just one: This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *How to find all these contests:* Oh, this is where the Empress really owes the Loser Community. Go to the Losers' own website, nrars.org, click on "Master Contest List,"* and scroll allll the way down to 1203 and beyond. Read the contest descriptions, choose one (or two, or 25), then click on the "E" icon for the online version of the week's contest, or the "WP" for the print version. And check the results of that week's contest (usually four weeks down the chart) to make sure your idea didn't already get ink. /Please/ give the week number of the contest you're using. See this week's Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1257 for other ways* (maybe better ones for you) to see all the contests. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1257* (all lowercase) — NOT the entry forms for* those old contests. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Holiday Snack Pack* consisting of one bag each of Ohio Cow Poop and Cincinnati Pig Poop, which are really chocolate-covered peanuts obtained by Loser Duncan Stevens; /and,/ in a six-inch coffin-shaped box, "one deadly tortilla chip," flavored with fiery Carolina Reaper pepper. Loser Edward Gordon actually spent $6 plus shipping to buy this single tortilla chip on Amazon and send it to the Empress. She hopes he wins it back. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 18; results published Jan. 7 (online Jan. 4). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1257 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *APPAREL OF LAUGHS: THE FASHION FICTOIDS OF WEEK 1253 **In Week 1253, in The Washington Post's ongoing campaign to deliver lies to its readers, we asked for bogus trivia about fashion and, more broadly, anything you wear. 4th place: Naugahyde is /not/ made from the hide of naugas. It is from the linings of their digestive tracts. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) 3rd place: The suit of armor was never intended to actually be worn, but was rather designed to serve as spooky hallway decorations in haunted castles. (Daniel Galef, Montclair, N.J.) 2nd place /and the custom-knit "Style Ink" ski hat : / The ceremonial sword that is part of the Air Force officer's dress uniform was modeled on the plastic one used to spear martini olives. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: In a show of support for their tax reform bill, Republican congressmen have been wearing wool pullovers.* (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) Just sew-sew: Honorable mentions Under pressure from feminist groups, American Apparel has rebranded its *white tank top as the "Spouse Discusser." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Last year, the leading seller of edible gym socks went bankrupt. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) When working women asked for "honest pay" in the 1960s, male executives made an anagrammatic compromise and gave them "pantyhose." (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) "Muumuu" comes from the Hawaiian word for "Your Mama's swimsuit." (Jesse Frankovich) Leonard Velcro narrowly survived an assassination attempt by shoelace hit men. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Since the debut of Facebook in 2004, the size of most thinking caps has steadily decreased. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) In response to popular outcry, Paris fashion models are now required to weigh at least four times as much as the outfits they wear on the runway. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Before the invention of plastic, buttons were made from fruitcake. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) The first tuxedo was worn by Adm. Richard Byrd, who commissioned the design in 1928 after his voyage to Antarctica. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) "Haute couture" is French for "WTF." (Jesse Frankovich) If not kept at the proper humidity, snakeskin boots will continue to molt every two years. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) In 1878 the King of Morocco mandated that a tassel be added to the fez after foreign dignitaries asked him why all the men wore wastebaskets on their heads. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) When Men's Wearhouse bought Jos. A Bank in 2014, it got three other businesses at no additional cost. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md., a First Offender) Paper hospital gowns were introduced after patients complained that fabric gowns were too warm, comfortable and modest. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) The highest-quality faux fur comes from free-range fauxes raised without hormones or antibiotics. (Drew Bennett) Michael Jackson broke his left ankle while wearing just one sequined shoe during a dance number, prompting him to choose another signature look. (John Shea, Philadelphia) Tinfoil hats will not protect you against alien brain control unless you wear them with the shiny side facing outward. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) The sporran, the leather purse that men wear in front of their kilts, doubled as crotch protection for Scottish warriors. That is why it's positioned in the center rather than the side —nobody wants to come out of a fight "out of kilter." (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) A ten-gallon hat actually holds only about 1.5 liters of crude oil. (Daniel Galef) The Gap paid model Lauren Hutton a licensing fee for inspiring the store's name. (Karen Duffy, Geneseo, N.Y., a First Offender) According to a nationwide survey, 97.2 percent of veterans who don their uniforms for Veterans Day pop at least half the buttons off. (Edward Gordon, Austin) Although many shoes have tongues, they actually taste with their laces. (Steve McClemons, Arlington, Va.) As a child, Christian Louboutin worked stomping grapes in his family's Bordeaux winery, causing the soles of his feet to be turned permanently red . (Mark Raffman) TWA's all-first-class Concorde in the 1970s had Birkin barf bags. (Roy Ashley) Savile Row tailors confirm that Tory MPs always specify "dress right" for bespoke trousers. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Spanx founder Sara Blakely began her career as a floor manager at a Jimmy Dean sausage plant. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The band of Roy Moore's cowboy hat is specially constructed to emit the aroma of strawberry ChapStick. (John Hutchins) The first codpieces were actually made of flounder. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) The jerkin was repopularized in the 21st century by Louis CK. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) Voted the scariest Halloween costume in 2017 was "Sexy Steve Bannon." (Jesse Frankovich) The feather boa quickly became more popular than its predecessor, the gizzard boa. (Jesse Frankovich) Nancy Sinatra's boots were actually made for horseback riding. (Daniel Galef) Hermès abruptly pulled its top-selling Isadora Duncan signature scarf from the market in September 1927 . (Chris Doyle) It is illegal to wear Wellington boots in Waterloo, Belgium. (Roy Ashley) What was originally called the "foreskin sweater" began to sell much better when it was renamed the turtleneck. (Drew Bennett) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 11: our caption contest for Bob Staake cartoons. See wapo.st/invite1256 . We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. ====================================================================== WEEK 1258, published December 17, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1258: The year in redo (Part 2) — our retrospective contest Now you can enter any of the past 6 months' contests. Plus 'Purger King' and other altered business names.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment December 14 // (Click here to skip down to the winners of the contest to change a business name by one letter) /Winner of Week 1251, things to be thankful for: / *"ƒ"ƒI'm thankful that Harvey won't ever be grabbing me again. — Oscar *(John O'Byrne) /Winner of Week 1248, (un)true confessions:/ *I cut my tofu into animal shapes. I usually eat the heads first.* (Rob Huffman) We continue our little wallow in quickie nostalgia with our annual retrospective contest, now spread across two weeks. Last week the Empress invited you to enter the Week 1203-1229 contests; this week it's the more recent six months: Enter (or reenter) any Style Invitational contest from Week 1230 through Week 1254 (there were no new contests for Weeks 1233-34). This group includes such Invite faves as limericks, cartoon captions and song parodies (about science), as well as more novel contests like a dialogue of a Creator designing some creature. You may enter multiple contests as long as you don't submit more than 25 entries in all. For contests asking you to use that week's paper, use papers and online articles dated Dec. 14-26. You may refer to events that took place after the original contest ran, and you may resubmit non-inking entries from earlier contests. Jeff Contompasis shows off his skills at Nose Aerobics Basketball, this week's second prize. (M.K. Phillips) *How to find all these contests:* If you subscribe to The Post — and you certainly should — you can go to washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational* and scroll through the descriptions of all these contests, and select one, or two, or 25, as far back as Week 1230. Or, if you don't subscribe: Go to the Losers' own website, nrars.org, click on "Master Contest List,"* and scroll down to Weeks 1230-54. Click on the "E" icon for the online version of the week's contest, or the "WP" for the print version. With either method, check the results of that week's contest (usually four weeks later) to make sure your idea didn't already get ink. /Please/ give the week number of the contest you're using. See this week's Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1258 (published late Thursday afternoon) for more guidance* for this week's contest. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1258* (all lowercase) — NOT the entry forms for* those old contests. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives another of one of the Empress's fave li'l prizes of recent years: It's the Nose Aerobics basketball game,* in which you wear a pair of lensless nerd-eyeglasses from which a little arm sticks out; at the end of the arm are a two-inch-high basket and, attached to that, a tiny string and a little plastic basketball. Our 2014 winner of this prize, Jeff Contompasis, became expert at shaking his head around in just the right way so that the ball would fly into the basket, a skill he displayed repeatedly in the middle of a restaurant during one of our monthly Loser Brunches. This game, like the previous one, was donated by Loser Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Tuesday night, Dec. 26;* results published Jan. 14 (online Jan. 11). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *PUNNY BUSINESS: THE TWEAKED COMPANY NAMES OF WEEK 1254* In Week 1254* we asked you to change the name of a business by (a) adding a letter; (b) dropping a letter; (c) switching two letters; or (d) substituting another letter. Lots of entertaining names among some 2,200 entries; many people described "Hole Foods" as the place to go for doughnuts, Swiss cheese, Cheerios, etc. The prize looks just as lovely on women, as the Empress demonstrates. (But she was terrible at shaking the ball into the cup.) (Mark Holt) 4th place: *MeDonald's:* You want lies with that? (Beryl Benderly, Washington) 3rd place: *Bannon Yogurt:* Naturally uncultured! (Jeff Loren, Seattle) 2nd place and the motorcycling-cow glitter globe : *Swearovski: The jewelry you give her along with the promise never to do that thing again. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *In-No-Out Burger:* A fast-food restaurant for cats. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Brands X'ed: Honorable mentions *Panerd: Serving complete out-to-lunches. (David Wolinsky, Frederick, Md., a First Offender) "‹ *Burger Kin:* It's /kind / //of like meat . . . (Steve McClemons, Arlington) *Burger Kink:* Have it your way. (Nick Semanko, Washington) "‹ *Purger King:* "One Whopper, coming up!" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) "‹ *P-P Boys: They'll replace your hoses at this walk-in urology clinic. (David Patch, Toledo) *Peep Boys:* They'll just take a quick look under your hood. (Dion E. Black, Washington) "‹ *Aer Dingus:* A.k.a. Air Force One. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Philip Mortis:* Maker of coffin nails since 1847. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *Equilax:* We've made getting your credit report so easy, anyone can do it! (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) *Brooks Brothels:* The nation's most distinguished un-clothier since 1818. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *Build-a-Beer Workshop: Where Dad asked to have his birthday party this year. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Sean Bender-Prouty, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) *Build-a-Fear Workshop:* Our campaign consultants can help you push voters' buttons. (Mandy Worley, Washington) *Capital Gone:* What used to be in your wallet? (Jerome Uher, Alexandria, Va.) *Charles Schwa:* "We take the stress out of investing." (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Five Guts:* Fast-food chitterlings, tripe, andouillette, haggis and hog maw. (Philip Justus, Potomac, Md.) *Five Goys:* Worst bagels in town. (Christy Tosatto, Brookeville, Md.) *FeudEx:* When that SOB absolutely, positively has to get what's coming to him overnight. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Restoration Lardware:* Your clothes' waistlines expanded by expert tailors. (Dave Prevar) *Pollo by Ralph Lauren:* Rotisserie chickens for $30 a pop. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring. Md.) "‹ *Nuder Armour: For when compression shirts aren't revealing enough. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Sorta: Maker of the Imperfect Sleeper mattress. (Dave Prevar) "‹ *Almart:* "Drop in when you want to grab something and run." — A. Franken, proprietor (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) "‹ *Alt Disney World:* Where all the characters are snow white. (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) *Tact Bell:* "This burrito — well, let's just say that everyone in the kitchen tried their best." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Iffy Lube:* Sure, they may dump off-brand cooking oil into your car, but it's cheap /and /they vacuum your floor mats. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Fruit of the Loo:* A breakthrough in recycled fiber! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Guber: Rural areas need rides, too. (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) *Untied Airlines: No seat belts, so it's easier to drag you off the plane. (Steve McClemons) *Kea:* Car in a box — assemble it yourself! (Tom Panther, Sharps, Va.) *Duncan Hanes:* Makers of the finest edible underwear. (Duncan Stevens) *Fannie Made:* DIY art store specializing in big "Butt-R-Fly" prints. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) "‹ *JC Zenney:* For all your Christo-Buddhist needs. (Ed Edwards, Worcester Park, England) *L'Ordeal:* The 20-step hair-color system — it's not worth it. (Suvinay Subramanian, Cambridge, Mass., a First Offender) *Office Despot:* You will buy this stapler and you will like it. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) *T.M.I. Friday's: Along with the daily specials, your servers tell you about their bowel movements and yeast infections. (Jesse Frankovich) *Toes R Us:* A prosthetic specialty shop. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Southest Airlines: Flying out of our hub in Antarctica. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Storbucks: On every corner in the Cayman Islands. (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) *Trader Poe's:* Goods worth raven about — at prices nevermore than our competitors! (Douri Moura, Chico, Calif.)"‹ *Victoria's Secrete:* Nursing bras can be attractive, too. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) "‹ *The Mensa Wearhouse: "You'll like how smart you look." (Jesse Frankovich) *Abercrombie and Filch:* Fashion-forward clothing that shoplifts itself. (Warren Tanabe) *National Trifle Association:* Eh, what's one more mass shooting"‹? (Matt Monitto) *Chaste Bank:* Nobody can touch our rates. (Kyle Hendrickson) *Costmo:* The rich people's big-box store. (Ed Edwards) *Accidental Petroleum: "And then one day, Jed was shooting at some food, and up from the ground . . .""‹ (Jerome Uher) /And Last:/ PayPat:* How do you think the Empress gets her bribe money? (Kyle Hendrickson) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 18: our contest to enter Weeks 1203-1229. See wapo.st/invite1257 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1259, published December 24, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1259: Beat the banned with euphemisms Tell us creative alternatives to unwelcome words; plus winning S-A-N-T neologisms (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment December 21, 2017 // (Click here to skip down to the winning neologisms from our Tour de Fours contest) *Vomiting: Unplanned reexamination of recent food choices* (Bradley Fisher) *Plagiarism: Previously owned prose (Stephen Dudzik) *Cowardly: Challenge-challenged (Wendy C. Leyes) In an apparent effort to commemorate the work of both George Carlin and George Orwell, budget planners at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have been asked not to use seven particular terms: "transgender," "diversity," "fetus," "vulnerable," "entitlement," "evidence-based" and "science-based." Mustard Marvin helps you decorate your hot dog with panache. And that's just one part of this week's second prize. (Dean Evangelista) Well, they have to use /some/ words, even if they'll be more confusing, and this probably isn't the last instance of word-banning ordered up by the executive branch. So the Loser Community is exhorted to shore up the glossary of alternatives for all kinds of Words Someone Might Not Like. *This week: Come up with creative euphemisms for the words above, or for other words that might offend someone or other,* as in the examples above from one of the very first Style Invitational contests, Week 10 in 1993. You might explain a particular context of how a word would be objectionable — at a different federal agency, say, or among a certain group of enthusiasts, and propose a workaround. Conversely, you can also suggest dysphemisms: terms that put the term in a worse light, *such as "unwanted dreck" rather than "special value." Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1259* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a Holiday Dinner Party Two-Pack: First, there's Mustard Marvin,* a funny face that you use as a lid on a squeeze bottle of mustard — the yellow goo extrudes right out his mouth. And then there's a container of Bean Boozled* jelly beans, featuring a gambler's assortment of not just peach but "barf," coconut but also "stinky socks." We didn't try them. Marvin was donated by Loser Dave Prevar, the beans by Alex Blackwood of Houston, who helps the Empress run the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Tuesday night, Jan. 2; results published Jan. 21 (online Jan. 18). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jeff Contompasis, who also suggested the dysphemism part of the contest; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *NSTA-grams: Top SANT neologisms from Week 1255* In Week 1255, our annual Tour de Fours neologism contest, the Empress asked you to come up with a term that contained the letter block SANT, but in any order — which makes for 24 possible permutations. We got literally hundreds of Santa jokes (it /was/ why we used SANT) and hundreds of Nats jokes, but they were remarkably varied. 4th place: Reprehe*nsat*ion: What our elected officials often give us. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place: *Nats*turtium: Flower that blooms from April through September, then fades quickly. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.; Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place /and theChristmas Pickle; bath fizzies that spell "H-O"; and some lumps of coal: / **M*anst*ruation: Something that, if it happened, would result in three paid days off each month. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Am*nast*y International: The president's new name for the State Department. (Ann Martin, College Park, Md.) WarTS ANd all: Honorable mentions *Tasnamia:* Country located right next to Nambia. (Duncan Stevens) *Antsy Claus:* What Mrs. C. calls her husband when he's checked the list twice, rezippered his sack, checked all the reindeer hoofs, and started jingling his sleigh keys. (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) *Cantstand:* A vigorous exercise of disapproval. "We were watching 'Sex and the City,' but Dad started doing cantstands, so now we're watching the game." (Frank Osen) *Miles Standing:* The mascot of I-66. (Barrett Swink, Gainesville, Va.) *Aghastnesses: What we seem to wake up to every new day. (Elena Helming, Longmeadow, Mass., a First Offender) *Kick in the pantsuit: What the Democrats got in the 2016 election. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Nats all, folks!: Cry heard in Washington area early each October. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Anonstarter: Procrastinator. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Santac: What Kris takes to settle his stomach after too many Kringles. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Stanless: The Washington Capitals' reputation for 43 years and counting. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) *Standoafish:* Unsociable /and/ stupid. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Stankh: A symbol placed on Egyptian mummies that got less than royal treatment. (Jeff Shirley; Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Postnaval drip:* A retired sailor who bores you with war stories. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *SheetsAndGoogles: An online linen store. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Cantsuit:* The old baggy gray sweats for when you are unable to deal with the world so you eat ice cream and watch TV. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *Branstanding:* Making a big deal about your healthful diet. (Dudley Thompson) *Repants (verb): opposite of depants. "If only he had repantsed himself more quickly, perhaps he could've avoided jail time." (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *Tyrantsylvania:* The terrifying land beneath the swamp. (Christy Tosatto, Brookeville, Md.) *Half-Vastness:* What Alaskans call Texas. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) *Limplants: What's left when a boob job springs a leak. (Duncan Stevens) *Kanyé Nast:* The media merger from hell. (Frank Osen) *Misspokahontas: "Did I say I was Native American?" (Jesse Frankovich) *Transanta:* Kristen Kringle finally loses the beard. (Margaret L. Welsh, Oakton, Va.) *ATNs* (Automated Teller Nymphs): The wee folk who pass $20 bills through the slot when you swipe your card. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Rantasaur:* The codger who goes on and on about how our smartphones make us stupid. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *Rantsom:* The price teens must pay for having their dads pick them up at 3 a.m. at the police station. (Lawrence McGuire) *Tyrantasaurus Vex:* An ancient species that spews venom and clings desperately with tiny hands to survive. (Jon Gearhart) *Santatize!:* Don't let your chimney be the one that gets soot all over that nice red suit. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.) *Pair-rants: When your mom and dad yell at you simultaneously. (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) *Santa claws:* Device to keep reluctant kids on Saint Nick's lap until the picture's taken. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Standex:* Lycra fabric so tight you can't sit down. (Mark and Emily Schwartz, Arlington, Va., First Offenders) *Cowtans:* What people wear when they outgrow caftans. (Frank Osen) *Gunderstanding: What Congress and the NRA have. (Kyle Hendrickson) *Trolled substances: Online comment sections. (Jesse Frankovich) *Ubetistan:* The nickname for Nevada. (George Smith, Frederick, Md.) *Buttsand:* The inevitable beach souvenir. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Satn:* The Weeknd's favorite underwear fabric. (Duncan Stevens) /And Last: / Decontestants: Disincentives to participate in a competition. "Style Invitational runner-up prizes are powerful decontestants." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md., who has, ahem, won 26 of them) *Still running — deadline Tuesday night, Dec. 26: your chance to enter (or reenter) any Style Invitational contest from the past six months. See wapo.st/invite1258. ====================================================================== WEEK 1260, published December 31, 2017 Style Invitational Week 1260: What lies (are) ahead for 2018 Send us predictions. Plus winning captions for Bob Staake cartoons. (By Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment December 28, 2017 // (Click here to skip down to the results of the caption contest) *Jan. 15, 2018:* Former senator Al "Handsy" Franken posts a Facebook message announcing that he is embarking on a new career and has been hired as a TSA screener. *Sept. 15, 2018:* Harassment accusations take down another prominent entertainer when four different puppets accuse ventriloquist Jeff Dunham of "inappropriate touching," "repeated confinement in a locked trunk" and "shoving his hand up our backsides." *It's hard to imagine* what news events could be more astonishing than the "no, it's not the Onion" jaw-droppers we've encountered daily throughout 2017. But it was also hard to imagine anyone could write a funny song parody about sea urchin sushi, and the Loser Community did just fine with that contest, too. So we're bringing back a contest we did seven years ago, inspired by Loser Malcolm Fleschner's annual "Year in Preview" in his San Jose Mercury-News humor column "Culture Shlock." Jokingly predict some news event to happen in 2018,* as in the examples above from Malcolm's column. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1260* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a battery-operated"Instant Audience" gadget that, at the push of any of four buttons, will supply you with several seconds of "applause," "crickets," rimshot" or "boo." "This is not a toy," the package announces sternly. So you'll have to find a serious application for it. Donated by Dave Prevar. (Applause for Dave.) *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 8; results published Jan. 28 (online Jan. 25). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The "Quip art" headline was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Danielle Nowlin; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results — and this week, there's a poll so that you can choose your favorites among this week's results. See it here. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Of the 1,000-plus captions submitted for the four Bob Staake cartoons in *Week 1256 , about a dozen offered "Hey, my eyes are down here" for Picture B, while numerous others identified the man in Picture A as a Grateful Dead fan. 4th place: *PICTURE C: Mr. Kershaw didn't seem very concerned when his new TV wafted to the floor. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) 3rd place: *PICTURE A: Today's death metal music goes right over Harvey's head. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 2nd place and thehat promoting an off-color-named fan company: *PICTURE D: It's moldy! I should've known not to buy a Henry Moore sculpture at Kmart! (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *PICTURE B: Judge Moore regretted hitting on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Pic noes: Honorable mentions *PICTURE A (By Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) It turns out that it wasn't "his master's voice" that kept Nipper staring at the Victrola. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) Winthrop cleverly repurposed his old organ grinder. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Contemplating Nana's disappearance, Chuck suddenly realized why the device was called a gramophone. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Reginald occasionally lets his skeletons out of the closet for a dance party. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Armand really wanted a Victrola, but could only afford a Vitriola. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) "Ethel, I said I wanted to hear '76 TROMbones!'"Š" (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) Edison was irked by the ribbing — and femuring, skulling and pelvising — that he received over his new invention, the bonograph. (Christy Tosatto, Brookeville, Md.) Amid the distractions of the crime scene, investigators failed to notice that Mr. Bentley had planted marijuana in the Stanley Cup. (Mark Raffman) *PICTURE B* (By Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) "But Blair said that when I was in town I should look up his sister." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) "And if you think this is weird, let me show you what's in my briefcase." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Once again he lost his head and panted after the first pretty girl to walk by. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) "Baby, I'm head over heel for you." (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.; Edward Gordon, Austin) "It's called extreme ventriloquism — anyone can throw their /voice/ . . ." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) "Madam, I was /not/ staring at your chest. /I /am a/leg/ man." (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville; Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Bill should have read the consent form for his knee replacement more carefully. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring) No one was fooled by the guy shooting upskirt photos once the head fell off his dummy. (Tom Witte) "You should see my sister — she wears her heart on her sleeve." (Steve Fahey, Kensington) "Hey, baby, show me what you got!" yelled the knee jerk, hoping to get a reaction. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Fred lost his malpractice suit after the judge ruled that his face functioned perfectly. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Greg suddenly realized why women weren't interested in him: His jacket was missing half of its lapels. (Duncan Stevens) The "Big Suit" worked for David Byrne but not so well for Peter Dinklage. (Bill Hilton, Hendersonville, N.C., a First Offender) "If you see me walking down the street / My head on my thigh, my chin by my feet / Walk on by "¦" (Tom Witte) *PICTURE C* (By Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) Distracted by the sports section, Frank would soon find out he was standing next to a huge envelope full of fire ants. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) The only thing worse than getting TP stuck to your shoe? Getting King Kong's TP stuck to your shoe. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax) The driverless carpet still requires more road-testing. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) "I'm not sure what's stranger: that a sheet of drywall just randomly fell on my toe, or that my newspaper is made of rigid steel." (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) "Search Continues for Letter I Stolen From 'PUBLIC PARKING' Sign" (Jesse Frankovich) Having a sheet of drywall fall on his foot became the second-biggest shock of Frank's day when he was reading that the Browns actually won a game. (Jesse Frankovich) *PICTURE D* (By Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) Irma just had to try the pitted Fukushima avocados. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) By late 2017, the Pinocchiofruit had become a real problem. (Brad Levy, Lawrence, Kan., a First Offender) Mrs. Bunyan was annoyed at the size and expense of the toilet bowl scrubber she needed to buy. (John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.) "No, Zork, you can /not/ ride in the little seat!" (Frank Mann, Washington) "These darn food section recipes always have one exotic ingredient, but 'giant bewhiskered hambone' takes the cake." (Jeff Lubbers, Takoma Park, Md.) Irene was totally pumped to find the perfect Style Invitational prize. (Jesse Frankovich; Duncan Stevens) *Disagree on the winners? Vote for your favorites at wapo.st/conv1260.* *-----* *Still running — deadline Tuesday night, Jan. 2: our contest for euphemisms. See wapo.st/invite1259.* ====================================================================== WEEK 1261, published January 7, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1261: Post mortems — our annual obit poetry contest Plus winners from our retakes of 24 varied contests from the past year (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment January 4 Follow @PatMyersTWP // (Click here to skip down to the winners of our retakes on 24 contests from the past year) *Y.A. Tittle died last year *And one thing's surely certain:* *He's history's most famous guy* *Whose first name was Yelberton. Yay, we made it to 2018! Well, er, /we /did. And as inevitably as taxes (reformed or un-) comes The Style Invitational's annual top-of-the-year contest: Write a humorous poem of no longer than eight lines about someone who died in 2017,* as in the example above by Washington Post Official Joke Poet and Pathetically Obsessive New York Giants Fan Gene Weingarten. You can find many lists of the latest retirees to the Heaven Belt — including many little-known but interesting people — Googling "deaths 2017" (without quotes). As always with our obit poems, cleverness doesn't mean cruelty; don't express joy over someone's death or predict a trip to the underworld because his movies were stupid or she voted the wrong way (though you may vilify Charles Manson however you like). Your poem isn't required to rhyme, but the Empress happens to have chosen rhyming verses in all 15 of her previous obit poetry contests. Still, if you have, say, a fabulously clever, spot-on haiku, send it. Dem bones can be yours if you just miss winning this contest, the Empress said archly. (wish.com) Submit up to 25 poems at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1261* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, somewhat apropos of this contest, a pair ofstretchy low-rise socks with a foot-X-ray skeleton design . *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 15; results published Feb. 4 (online Feb. 1). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *DOUBLE QUIPPING: WINNERS OF OUR 2017 DO-OVERS, PART 1* **In Part 1 of a two-week tour through the past year, in Week 1257 the Empress invited readers to submit (or resubmit) entries to the varied contests from Week 1203 through Week 1229 (November 2016-May 2017). For contests that relied on that week's newspapers, we used current ones this time around. And the subject matter for any of the contests could be made more timely — as you'll see. 4th place: *Week 1213, a haiku that includes a pun: * Moore: "I just can't lose — Alabamans, they love me!" Turns out they dug Jones. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) 3rd place: *Week 1215, "X is so Y" jokes: Trump hotel yoga studios are so loyal, they play "Hail to the Chief" when classes do down-dogs. (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place /and the various novelty snacks: / *Week 1214, a sentence or more using only words from Trump's inaugural address: "The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer! I speak of wealthy people, flush with cash in the tens of millions. They will be enriched at the expense of the little people! And that is so great!! (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Week 1218, bank headlines:* /Real Post headline:/ Yellen leaves a solid legacy at the Fed /Joke bank head:** / /*Ousted chairwoman spotted walking briskly from burning paper bag at front door* / (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) No can do-over: Honorable mentions *Week 1204, hopeful thoughts for a never-Trumper:* — For stargazers on the West Coast, there's nothing so bright as a North Korean rocket! (Daniel Helming, Maplewood, N.J.) — He's almost certain to leave us soon for a younger country with bigger mountains. (Kenny Moore, Rocklin, Calif., a First Offender) — Nothing prevents forest fires like deforestation! (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) — Given the Alabama election, the GOP probably won't support necrophiliac candidates in the midterms. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Week 1207, new clues for words in a crossword: *— ITSATRAP: Experienced husband's thought upon hearing, "Do I sound like my mother?" (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) — SELASSIE: Scottish Ethiopian lady (Steve Honley, Washington) *Week 1208, poems about people who died in 2016: * At Henry Heimlich's funeral, The mourners were asked, "Please: When filing past his coffin, Do not give him a squeeze." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Week 1209, false trivia about inventions: — The modern /hospital/ bears little resemblance to its predecessor, the /"house of spittle,"/ which was reserved exclusively for patients with consumption. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) — Late one night at Menlo Park, after having a few too many, Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb joke. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) ** Week 1211, tweets that trash-talk historical figures:* — @LuckyLindy* flies transatlantic alone and he's a hero. Try it with two cranky toddlers, then tell me how hard you had it, Chuck. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) — @NapoleonB* bragging about Waterloo win? Soon he'll be a Waterloser!! Keep an eye out for Bonaparte's retweet! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) — @empresscatherine: @gPotemkin* showed me a beautiful village on the Dnieper. Who said I wouldn't make Russia great again? Morons! (Chris Doyle) *Week 1212, neologisms from ScrabbleGrams "racks":* BDELOTU —> LOBUT:* Easy yoga position. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) *Week 1213, haiku with a pun: * — Donald's a yes-man, Allowing Vladimir to Work without a nyet. (Chris Doyle) — A redneck doth know That his father's cell number Rings no telephone. — J. Foxworthy (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) *Week 1214, using words in Trump's inaugural address: "Forget your miseries! The pleasant flush of the behind, to free trapped movement with grateful success, will restore your spirit. Same as I do." (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *Week 1217, combined businesses: *— Hairstyling school upstairs from a mortuary: You Can Do It over My Dead Body (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) — Medical-equipment store/braiding salon: Slings & Hair Rows (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) — Tea garden/ employee pension counselor: Chai and Retiring (Chris Doyle) *Week 1218, bank heads: * /Real ad: /Fresh cut neck bones 79 cents/lb. /Joke bank head: /At Place de la Concorde while supplies last! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) /Real headline: /McConnell blunt on wall payment /Joke bank head:/Doobie found taped outside Sen. Collins's office was allegedly promised for yes vote (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) *Week 1219, "lik the bred" poems: My name is Kirk, with many fans But I don't like this team of Dan's. I'll soon play for a team that wins: My contract done, I'll shed the Skins. (Mark Raffman) My name is Don. My buddy Roy Is now a pawn In PHONY ploy! They LIE about His FAKE libido! Oh, let them pout — I back the pedo. — @realDonaldTrump (Matt Monitto) *Week 1220, pedantry: *The singular form of "cannoli" is "cannolo." The reason for the obscurity of the latter is that no sane person would ever have just one cannolo. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *Week 1221, the child of any two people: *— The child of Thomas Edison and Jenny McCarthy would go on to invent the electric dim bulb. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) — The child of Martin Yan and Christiaan Barnard would find herself between a wok and a heart place. (Mae Scanlan) — The child of Ben Carson and Pat Sajak would be asleep at the Wheel. (Jesse Frankovich) *Week 1222, "breed" two real racehorses and name the "foal": *— Local Hero x Convict Pike = Hoagie Pokey (Danielle Nowlin) — American Anthem x Takeoff = Stars and Strips (David Garratt) — Classic Rock x Sonneteer = Lynyrd Cohyn (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) *Week 1223, juicy headlines for unjuicy news: *— Jesus to Return to Middle East! /Real news: // Abu Dhabi art collector buys Leonardo's painting "Salvator Mundi" (Mark Raffman) — Post reporter in chains! Restaurant critic Tom Sietsema reviews Applebee's, nine other franchises (Mark Raffman) *Week 1226, "grandfoals" from breeding Week 1222 winners:* Chinese Checkers x Congrats, Loser = You Look Marbleless (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Bare It Browning x Bed Bath N Bayonne = HowDo I Loofa Thee (Hildy Zampella) *Week 1228, "secret inspirations" for movie titles: — "Of Thee I Sing": Michael Flynn (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) — "Doctor Dolittle": Ben Carson (Kevin Dopart) *Week 1229, alphabet couplets: *C is for Copulate "" meld thigh-to-thigh; D's for the Diapers you'll soon need to buy. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 8: our contest for "year in preview" events of 2018. See wapo.st/invite1260. ====================================================================== WEEK 1262, published January 14, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1262: Clue us in An especially challenging backward-crossword; plus Part 2 of our 1217 Kook's Tour (Grid by Evan Birnholz/DevilCross.com) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment January 11 Follow @PatMyersTWP // (Click here to skip down to the winning entries in our retrospective contest) *ANTIQUE: Phone more than two years old* *FAQ: Useful tips at CurseToAvoidFilters.com* *ITSPAT: What the camel did when asked to pass through the eye of a needle * Once again, we present a filled-in crossword grid and ask you to supply clues for one or more of the answers. But it looks to be more of a challenge than usual: This time, Washington Post Sunday Puzzle Guy Evan Birnholz has supplied the Empress with a crossword from his own archives, at DevilCross.com, that's, well, devilish: For one thing, it has a lot of people's names. For another, some of Evan's own wordplay is inkworthy in itself: For instance, his clue for ERASES is "Draws a blank?" But let's give it a go: This week: Supply one or more creative clues for the filled-in crossword grid above — as many as 25 clues in all.* Week 1232: Despite Peg's best efforts, her co-workers continued to misinterpret "Me too" as "Meat? Ooh!" (Steve Honley, Washington) "It's okay, it's okay — I said Mr. CROSBY would like to meet you." (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post ) Please write each entry on its own line, as "WORDFROMTHEGRID (without spaces even if you interpret it as multiple words): [your clue]," as in the examples at the top of the column. This will let the Empress sort the entries without producing her famous Howls of Utter Judging Despair. You can see Evan's clues at wapo.st/invite-grid-1262 or in list form in this week's Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1262 (published late Thursday afternoon). Submit your entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1262* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives /such/ a Loserly prize: It's a how-to video for doing something that hardly anyone does anymore — in a medium that's also almost entirely obsolete. And so deepest thanks to Daphne Steinberg for donating a mint-condition copy of "Dance the Macarena" — on VHS tape. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus," or more likely their successors, now being created. First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 22; results published Feb. 11 (online Feb. 8). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Beverley Sharp; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *DOUBLE-YORE FUN: OUR 2017 RETROSPECTIVE, PART 2 In Week 1258, the second half of our Kook's Tour of last year's contests, the Empress invited you to enter (or reenter) Weeks 1230 through 1254, which ran June through November; some entries focus on more recent events. 4th place *// Week 1251, things to be thankful for:// I'm thankful for my favorite things to eat, puppies, and Oxford commas. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) 3rd place *Week 1242, then/now jokes: /Then:/ Nazis marching in the streets. /Now:/ . . . Well, technically, they're neo-Nazis. (Thor Rudebeck, Chicago) 2nd place and the nose-basketball game: *Week 1235, song parodies about science: /To the tune of "Under the Sea" from "The Little Mermaid":/ New houses built on the ocean Are truly a sad mistake. You dream about water views, bud? Best find yourself some nice lake. Antarctica's calving icebergs; Warm water fills up more space. The coastline you see today will Soon be in a different place. Under the sea, under the sea, Thermal expansion won't let your mansion stay water-free. We've got no precious little tyke To keep his finger in the dike. Miami Beachers may become creatures Under the sea. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Week 1254, change a company name by one letter:* Philip Mortis:* The tobacco company adopts a name that better reflects its business. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) So last year: Honorable mentions *Week 1230, creation dialogues: /The chicken:/ "And at the exact instant, I shall create its egg, thereby vexing humans for eternity!" (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *Week 1230, creation dialogues: Labor1: Someone left bar codes on some of the horses! Labor2: I am /so/ sorry. Want me to fix it now? Creator: Meh. Accidents happen and it's too late now. Labor3: Someone left bar codes on some of the big cats! Creator: You had ONE job"¦ (David Friedman, Los Angeles) *Week 1232, cartoon captions: /See the captions by Steve Honley and Roger Dalrymple in the cartoon on the left side of this page. / *Week 1235, song parodies about science and technology: * To "Cocaine" If your head's getting bare, it's time to grow some hair: Rogaine. If you're hoping to sprout, come try this stuff out: Rogaine. On your top, it won't stop--grow a mop! Rogaine. When a follicle's dead, it can restart your head, Rogaine. Give the ladies a thrill, use minoxidil, Rogaine. Baldness gone, chicks will fawn — grow a lawn! Rogaine. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna , Va.) ** Week 1239, combine two or more movie titles: "Doctor Zhivago, This Is Spinal Tap": A poorly trained Russian immigrant physician must rely on his nurse's expertise to avert medical disaster. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Week 1240, limericks with a gh- or gi- word:* Said the daughter, "Let's not have a tiff: Use a hard 'g' like 'giving' or 'glyph.' For this kind of a file, There is only one style —" No, said Mom: "Choosy mothers choose '.gif.' (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Week 1242, then/now jokes: Then: Coal jobs, Now: LOL! Jobs?! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Then: Going to a dictionary to find out what "online" means. Now: Going online to find out what "dictionary" means. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Then: The Reagan years — More Ron! More Ron! Now: The Trump years "" (homophone redacted) (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Then: You look forward to your senior prom. Now: You look forward to your senior discount. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Week 1243, neologisms that don't include a T, R, U, M or P:* Slease: What you sign to rent a room by the hour. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Week 1245, stupid complaints to the editor: * On the front page, you wrote "Tomorrow shower." Please be advised that I shower every day and don't need personal hygiene tips from you! (Mark Raffman) *Week 1246, pair a sentence from a Post article with a question it might answer:* A. "We're dealing with it." Q. "President Trump, what are you and your team doing with that not-full deck? (Beverley Sharp) A. "They got me a stool." Q. Secretary Mnuchin, what birthday gift did "the American people" leave on your doorstep? (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) A. Santa arrived by helicopter in Panama City, Fla.; by parachute in Thousand Oaks, Calif; and alongside a marching band in Minneapolis. Q. How has the animal rights movement affected the North Pole transportation system? (Ellen Ryan) *Week 1247, dialogue from a reinterpreted movie title: "Twelve Angry Men": "And with that penalty for too many players on the field, the Redskins are once again forced to punt . . ." (Roy Ashley, Washington) "The Dirty Dozen": "Ew, what happened to these bagels?" (Jonathan Caws-Elwitt, Northampton, Mass.) *Week 1248, (Un)True Confessions: You know that person at the coffee shop who orders a small (but in a large cup please so it can cool) peppermint half-cappuccino, half-latte with two espresso shots, almond milk, and coffee grinds only from countries that operate sustainable agriculture cooperatives? Well, that's me. (Sean Bender-Prouty, Arlington, Va.) I like to fill an unused poop bag with Tootsie Rolls and eat them at the dog park. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Week 1250, poems featuring words used in a certain year for the first time:* / 1989:/ I'm a HELICOPTER PARENT. When my kid goes to the potty I am there to supervise him As I CAFFEINATE with LATTE, And all day I send him emails (With his dad a :BCC) Just to tell him he's my baby Though he just turned 23. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Week 1251, things to be thankful for: That when I got his email I noticed "The Central Bank of Nigeria" rearranges to BET ON THE REAL AFRICAN KING. I almost didn't give him my PIN! (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Week 1252, new medications: * * Yomamamine: Treats extreme ugliness, obesity, stupidity and easiness. (Jesse Frankovich) Effineffin: Provides temporary relief of bad language among teens hanging out, meeting Grandma, etc. Proven as effective as adult-strength Bleepitol. (Frank Osen) *Week 1253, fictoids about clothing and fashion: The now-infamous clothier Frederic Jacque stole the design of the athletic supporter from German clothier Otto Schlongrabbë, to the relief of athletes worldwide. (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) What Al Gore actually invented was the hairnet. (Jesse Frankovich) A Chicago haberdasher named his new fur hand-covers "Mittens" in honor of his beloved, /very/ recently deceased cat. (Christy Tosatto, Brookeville, Md.) *Week 1254, change a company name by one letter (or switch two letters):* Breibtart News: Scooping the most prurient political dirt. (David Patch, Toledo) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 15: our obit-poem contest, See wapo.st/invite1261 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1263, published January 21, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1263: Playing the short game Combine Olympic country codes for novel matchups; plus winning euphemisms Above and below are our new Loser Magnets for honorable mentions, designed as always by Bob Staake. They may be the size of a business card, but the Empress orders only 500 of each — and so they're really limited-edition Staake mini-prints. And they're not for sale, of course: You gotta play to lose. The slogans were inking entries in our 2015 contest for magnet ideas; "We've Seen Better" is by Brendan Beary, "IDiot Card" by Beverley Sharp. (Magnet design by Bob Staake for The Washington Post/ Idea by Brendan Beary) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment January 18 Follow @PatMyersTWP //(Click here to skip down to the winning euphemisms from Week 1259) *If Canada (CAN) played the Netherlands (NED), the cheering from the stands would sound oddly inauthentic. (Duncan Stevens) *If Honduras (HON) played Estonia (EST) in soccer, there would be no cheating and diving, for once.* (Chris Doyle) *If Germany (GER) played the University of North Dakota (UND), there would be running, jumping, yelling, cheering . . . (Duncan Stevens) This week's contest developed froma recent brainstorm in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook, where the power of 1,500 brainy brains is frittered away day after day. (Join up and the Devotees will anagram your name in more ways than you thought possible.) The Olympics are coming up, and although it's a Winter Games year, that won't stop the Empress from wildly broadening our own game: This week: Using the three-letter Olympic national abbreviations and/or the abbreviation for any college, tell what would happen if one abbreviated team played another, as in the examples above from the Facebook back-and-forth. Naturally, it doesn't matter if the country or school doesn't really field a team in whatever sport you might cite. Find the Olympic abbreviations (on Wikipedia) at wapo.st/olympic-codes (here is a printable PDF ); for colleges with football teams (via Reddit), see *wapo.st/college-abbrev (anda PDF for them as well ). You may also use valid abbreviations for non-football schools. Note: *If you give the abbreviation without saying what it stands for, the Empress will toss you off the field. The second of this year's Loser Magnets. (Design by Bob Staake for The Washington Post; slogan by Beverley Sharp) Submit up to 25 entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1263* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, apropos of this week's globally conscious contest, The Official Style Invitational Yodeling Pen,* a.k.a. Jodelkulli, brought back from Munich by Loser Since Week 22 Elden Carnahan. Listen to it — and you really must — at wapo.st/yodel-pen. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 29; results published Feb. 18 (online Feb. 15). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Suzanne Barnhill offered up the PDFs for the abbreviations. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *TO PUT IT MILDLY: WINNING EUPHEMISMS (AND DYSPHEMISMS) * For Week 1259,* after hearing that staffers at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention had been advised not to use seven certain terms in budget documents, the Empress ran a contest for euphemisms, terms that make unpleasant concepts seem less so. Of course, most of the civilized world doesn't need to disguise "science-based" or "diversity." 4th place: *Imprisoned: Scouting locations for the next Harvey Weinstein movie. (Ben Aronin, Washington) 3rd place: *Starving:* In the faminy way. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) 2nd place and the Mustard Marvin gadget plus gross-flavored jelly beans : *Serial groper: Outreach engineer. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Excrement: Gross domestic product. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Differently funny: Honorable mentions *Recession:* Fun-size economy. (Bill FitzPatrick, Rochester, N.Y., a First Offender) *Shameless:* Morally liberated. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Climate change: Thermal advancement. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Pimples:* Beacons of youth. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Sluggish: Brisk-averse. "Our waiter at Slackers was chatty but extremely brisk-averse." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Treason:* Situational patriotism. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Alzheimer's disease: Cognitive decluttering. (Melissa Balmain) *Bad in bed:* Horizontally challenged. (Frank Osen) *Projectile vomiting: The fountain of you. (Jeff Shirley) *Slaughterhouse: Animal destiny accelerated fulfillment center. (Jesse Frankovich) *Binge drinking:* Imbibitional capacity determination. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Body fat:* Core insulation. (Mark Raffman) *Sociopathic:* Indifferently abled. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Cancer:* Personal growth. (Mark Raffman) *Collusion:* Special opportunity for international cooperation. (Jesse Frankovich) *Corruption:* Market-based governance. (Ben Aronin) *Rotten meat:* E. coli sanctuary. (Melissa Balmain) *Dating someone underage: Mentoring. (Steve Honley, Washington) *Death:* Medical bill abatement process. (G. Smith, Vienna, Va.) *Electric chair:* Power seating. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) *Halloween vandalism: Free-range eggs. (Bill FitzPatrick) *Hideously ugly: Fashion-forward. (Frank Osen) *Helicopter parent: Intergenerational life coach. (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) *Metro delay:* Station aesthetics admiration session. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Murder:* Surprise assisted death. (Davey FitzPatrick, Rochester, N.Y) *Rudeness:* Unvarnished courtesy. (Kevin Dopart) *Solitary confinement: Quiet time. (Davey FitzPatrick) *Swastika:* Foldable "X." (Kevin Dopart) *War:* Future History Channel programming. (Melissa Balmain) *Wino:* Metabolism-challenged fermented-carbohydrate consumer. (Kevin Dopart) *We also invited the opposite — dysphemisms, terms that cast concepts in a worse light: *Critical reasoning skills: Satan's mind games. (Jeff Shirley) *Evidence-based:* Disloyal. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Nuclear button:* Micropenis. (Daniel Helming, Maplewood, N.J.; Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) *Subjective: Whatever. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *Fry cook:* Arteriosclerosis engineer. (Jesse Frankovich) *Optimized:* Slowed. — Tim Cook, Cupertino, Calif. (Jeff Contompasis) *Family-friendly:* ZZZZ. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 22: our backward-crossword contest. See wapo.st/invite1262. ====================================================================== WEEK 1264, published January 28, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1264: A cry for Yelp Write creative joke-reviews for any place — plus the winning predictions for 2018 Three stars for the ambiance at San Quentin. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Entertainment January 25 //(Click here to skip down to the winning "year in preview" predictions for 2018) *And if you visit H-Unit, consider that bus ride a mini tour!! I don't know what it is up and to the right as you pass the North Block, but the cement artwork is cool! . . . Way too much tall fencing and barbed wire for my tastes . . .* — From an actual 3-of-5-star Yelp review from a visitor to San Quentin prison This week's contest was suggested by Alex Blackwood, who helps out the Empress with the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. Alex had just read a negative review of a local doughnut shop by someone who'd tried to order a salad. But she also noted that people post reviews — including ridiculous ones — on Yelp.com for lots more than restaurants. *This week's contest: Write a humorous review, positive or negative, of anyplace (real or fictional) one might visit.* Still, don't write anything harmfully inaccurate about the place — talking about the roaches at a specific restaurant, for example. Place second and you'll win this dangerous bacterium. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) Submit up to 25 entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1264* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a cute, cuddly plush /E. coli,/ donated by Loser Elizabeth Molyé, who, /despite being Norwegian/, walked right into the Losers' Post-Holiday Party this month carrying a deadly bacterium. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 5; results published Feb. 25 (online Feb. 22). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses the new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . This week: Dave Barry's five faves among this week's inking entries. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *DIVINED COMEDY: THE YEAR IN PREVIEW* **For Week 1260* we asked you to contribute to this timeline of We Hope Not (For the Most Part) Future Events. Unless the date is relevant to the "prediction," the Empress just put one in at random. 4th place *April 28:* In the seventh round, the Minnesota Vikings draft an end zone choreographer out of Juilliard. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) 3rd place *Feb. 2: Punxsutawney Phil predicts an early end to winter. The White House immediately accuses him of "promoting a fake global-warming agenda" and cancels Groundhog Day. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) 2nd place /and the applause gadget :/ *April 29: Following the administration's decision to shrink the Bears Ears National Monument by 85 percent, Navajo elders rename it Trumps Hands Park. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Oct. 12: Columbus, Ohio, renames itself Genocidal European, Ohio. (Steve Honley, Washington) Blech to the future: Honorable mentions *Jan. 29: Dethroning religion, opioids officially become the opiate of the masses. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *Jan. 30: Michael Wolff reveals that during the second Women's March in Washington, Trump asked, "Is it okay if I grab one of those hats?" (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Feb. 5:* Roy Moore announces plans to enter the seminary and eventually serve in the Boston archdiocese. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *Feb. 12:* Vice President Pence condemns the Olympic biathlon as deviant. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *Feb. 13:* Fat Tuesday is officially renamed Your Mama Tuesday. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Feb. 22:* Hackers break into the president's Twitter account, posting dozens of sensible tweets before the White House regains control. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *March 4: The Empress commemorates the 25th anniversary of The Style Invitational by putting together a "silver" prize package consisting of a foil hat, a fork with one tine, and a box of used staples. (Jesse Frankovich) *March 27: Jennifer Garner discovers that what's in her wallet is 25 percent less than what's in Samuel L. Jackson's wallet. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *April 1: President Trump tweets: "I am not a fool. In fact I am, like, the unfooliest person I know." (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *April 5: At the Nationals' home opener, the president tweets, "My first pitch was the BEST and MOST ACCURATE pitch ever thrown on a Major League mound." Nats pitchers spend the evening trying to prove him right. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *April 20:* A blaze at a California pot farm is battled with help from 70,000 nearby volunteer firefighters. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *April 20: Hours after receiving a gift of brownies from Colorado, Jeff Sessions is found wrapped in his office drapes, clutching a box of Cap'n Crunch and murmuring, "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." (Frank Osen) *April 26: Kim Jong Un's latest Trump insults — "jaundiced lackwit," "scrofulous bile factory" and "golf-cheating fossil" — are revealed to have been ghostwritten by George Will, Joe Scarborough and Dana Milbank. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *May 5:* For the first time, the Kentucky Derby is won by a self-driving horse. (Jesse Frankovich) *May 10: Trump nominates Roy Moore for the U.S. Supreme Court, effective "the minute the next one keels over." (Maggie Haring, Leesburg, Va., a First Offender) *May 12:* Meghan Markle hires Mary Berry to bake the royal wedding cake. An embittered Paul Hollywood describes it as "dry and flavourless—overall a bad bake." (Bill Dorner) *May 20: As a stream of Russian prostitutes comes forward, the #peetoo hashtag trends on Twitter. (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) *June 14:* Trump installs kneelers in the Cabinet room to add visual pop to his monthly praise-athons. (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.) *June 23: The position of U.S. poet laureate is filled by a young lass from Nantucket. (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) *July 15: The White House proceeds with its plan to drill for oil in Donald Trump Jr.'s hair. (John Hutchins) *July 20: Fox News reinstates Bill O'Reilly after discovering that all his accusers were women. (Jesse Etelson, Rockville, Md.) *July 24: Purple Line construction is delayed yet again when Montgomery and Prince George's counties can't agree on whether it should be closer to lavender or fuchsia. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *July 30:* Following Mexico's surprise declaration that it will pay for a wall along the U.S. border, Canada announces that it will pay for one, too. (Frank Osen) *Aug. 1:* Miss Piggy tweets: #MeToo. (Stephen Dudzik) *Aug. 2:* Disney announces 53 more stand-alone films about Star Wars characters, culminating with "That Blue Elephant-Looking Thing That Plays the Keyboard in Jabba's Palace: A Star Wars Story." (Kurt Stahl, Frederick, Md.) *Aug 8: House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes reveals that Robert Mueller once said "hello" to Hillary Clinton. In person! (Jesse Etelson) *Aug. 13: Having run out of things to reveal, Kim Kardashian undergoes a procedure rendering her skin totally transparent so that her internal organs are on display for all to see. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Sept. 9:* Congress enacts the National Thoughts and Prayers Act to combat gun violence. (Mark Raffman) *Sept. 15:* To rebut claims that the president is not intelligent, Sarah Huckabee Sanders reveals that President Trump, unsatisfied with existing translations of Maimonides into Latin and Hebrew, is secretly working on his own translations to better understand the philosopher's influence on Aquinas. (Robert Schechter) *Sept. 19: The Cleveland Browns are mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. (Mark Calandra, Sudbury, Mass.) *Sept. 22:* Roy Moore is named coach of the U.S. women's gymnastics team. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Oct. 14: Sarah Huckabee Sanders is alarmed but unhurt after spontaneous combustion of pants. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Oct. 25: Paul Ryan releases his new book for senior citizens, "Just Die(t)," with 365 daily tips to help those on fixed incomes support our struggling billionaire class. "Tip 25: Instead of buying newspapers to stuff in your worn-out shoes, go to your local library and rip some pages from the Fake News Washington Post." (Wes Merchant, Frederick, Md., a First Offender) *Nov. 6:* Democrats sweep to congressional majority in 2018 midterms, promptly begin proceedings to shoot selves in foot. (Danielle Nowlin) *Nov. 7: Trump tweets, "I backed the Dems in the midterms all along." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) *Nov. 7:* Controversy erupts after, according to voting-machine results, every 2018 congressional race is won by Vladimir Putin. In response, Trump demands investigations of Hillary Clinton's email server. (Duncan Stevens) *Nov. 22:* The Thanksgiving turkey pardons Donald Trump. (Mark Raffman) *Dec. 7: President Trump mocks Kim Jong Un after the latest North Korean missile overshoots the continental U.S. and lands harmlessly in the Atlantic Ocean. (Jesse Frankovich) *Dec. 10:* Roy Moore announces his candidacy for governor of Alabama, calling the state "pretty" and promising to "show it a good time." (Duncan Stevens) *Dec. 31: After reading only one selected page of The Washington Post, Trump tweets: "The Post admits all their writers are LOSERS, just as I had been saying. So sad!" (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 29: our contest to pair sports team abbreviations. See wapo.st/invite1263. We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. ====================================================================== WEEK 1265, published February 4, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1265: Parody for the course — write a song about school Plus Post Mortems: winners of our annual obit poem contest (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Email the author Entertainment February 1 Email the author // (Click here to skip down to this year's winning obit poems) *Driver's Ed* /(to "Tonight" from "West Side Story")/ *Turn right! Turn right! My knuckles turning white* * From spending the last hour in this car.* * Red light! Red light! That parking spot's too tight!* * *How the hell did we make it this far? Today I had my introduction to driver's ed instruction, And now, half-dead of fright, It's au revoir, I'm off to calm my nerves in the bar, Good night!* This week's contest was suggested by Almost to the Hall of Fame Loser Mark Raffman, who suggested a new category for song parodies: Write a song relating to a class or course of instruction, or to school in general,* as in Mark's example above, which the Empress hopes is not about a 16-year-old. Since our last parody contest, this past summer, was about science and technology, we don't want songs just about what's taught in a class, but something referring to schools/teaching/learning itself. Will this contest be free of political humor? Hmm, are there poli-sci classes? At least it's a bag, not a T-shirt. This week's second prize, from a juice bar in Madrid. Submit up to 25 entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1265* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a natural-toned cotton tote bag advertising the Spanish juice bar chain Fit Food, with the slogan (in English) "Dirty mind, clean body"— imprinted with a photo of two half-lemons, their, er, perky ends bodaciously facing the camera; one of them bears a ring piercing. Donated by Roy Ashley, who picked it up in Madrid. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 19 — you get an extra week! Results published March 4 (online March 1). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Beverley Sharp; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column — published late Thursday afternoon — discusses the new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *PERISH AND PUBLISH: THE WINNING OBIT POEMS* ** Week 1261 was our annual contest for poems about people (and the occasional animal) who died last year. Whoever sent the one for Don McLean: It's not his day yet. 4th place: *Moses Ndlovu (died in Plumtree, Zimbabwe)* "A selfie with that elephant would really be a coup! "I'll drive him from the shrubbery to get a better view!" The charging bull was happy to oblige — not only that: It was a photo-finish (and in 30 seconds — flat.) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3rd place: *Nélio José Nicolai, inventor of caller ID* Of all people, you knew how the system should work — See the name and decide: friend or foe, gem or jerk. A small child could do it, or even a pup! So why, when Death called, did you ever pick up? (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 2nd place and the X-ray motif socks : *The immigrant from Ghana who died rescuing neighbors from a Bronx apartment fire* Emmanuel Mensah never knew His native land was dung. We need more "wretched refuse" just like him And less from Donald's tongue. (Beryl Benderly, Washington) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Hugh Hefner* The women he led astray, Used for their T&A, Bedded and tossed away, Might find this funny: He's met his Maker; She Issued an apt decree: He'll spend eternity Dressed as a bunny. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Fails from the crypt: Honorable mentions *Kim Jong Nam, older brother of Kim Jong Un* Said Kim Jong Un to Kim Jong Nam: "You're not our father's heir. I am!" Said Kim Jong Nam to Kim Jong Un: "Who cares? I'll live abroad, have fun! Life will be one long vacation." (Till brotherly assassination . . .) (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) *Roger Ailes Now the CEO of Fox Does his lying in a box. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Ken Kaiser, major league umpire This arbiter of strikes and balls was fearsome, bold and stout. At those who dared protest his calls: "You're outta here!" he'd shout. When fans cried, "Kill the ump!" he scoffed, ignoring their entreaties, Until at last, his mask he doffed, done in by diabetes. Yet now on Heaven's field of dreams, eternity he passes, Behind the plate, with angels' screams: "Hey, umpire! Get some glasses!" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Don Rickles* Based a career on the idea that it tickles To hear really rotten things said to Someone who isn't you. (Max Gutmann, Sunnyvale, Calif.) *Stanislav Petrov, missile controller who ignored a false-alarm nuclear attack *In '83, with Cold War tensions high, A Russian, at his button, didn't use it. Though sirens screamed to let the missiles fly, The truly big know when they shouldn't lose it. There wouldn't be a smithereen still left of Our world today, if not for Comrade Petrov. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Thomas Starzl, organ transplant pioneer He gave a ray of hope to those Whose chance was but a sliver. But if he questioned "What am I?" Of course we knew: swapped liver. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Joseph Nicolosi, "conversion therapy" advocate* To the man who insisted that gays could be "cured": Although homophobes liked you a lot, Many thousands of others just wished, rest assured, You'd converted from bonkers to not. (Melissa Balmain) *Monty Hall (I) *The costumed contestants on "Let's Make a Deal" Would hope that their luck didn't flee; With choice of a door, Monty Hall would reveal A prize or a "zonk." As for me, I watched every day as a youngster with zeal; I heard every joyful "Whoopee!" To pay him my final respects, should I kneel At Grave Number 1, 2, or 3? (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Monty Hall (II)* When Monty opened up his eyes, he learned that he was dead. He found himself in paradise. And then Saint Peter said: "Care to trade your paradise for what's behind that cloud?" "A deal?" said Monty. "Sure, why not?" The angels cheered out loud. Saint Peter moved the cloud aside, then Monty praised the Lord, For who the hell needs paradise when you can drive a Ford? (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Haruo Nakajima The actor who portrayed Godzilla Hence shall act as coffin filla. (Jesse Frankovich) *Della Reese of "Touched by an Angel"* "Della Reese," said Saint Peter, "I think I can find You a role that goes well with that Bible you're clutching: You will be Heaven's first angel assigned To watch out for and stop inappropriate touching." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Sportswriter Frank Deford* Frank Deford swore There was more than the score That made sports such a wide world of wonder. So his praises be sung, Though his buzzer has rung, And the final count: Frank is six under. (Seth Tucker, Washington) *Hugh Hefner (II)* At Playboy, this was his regret: Along came Penthouse, then the Net. Against that great expanse of skin, His "articles" just couldn't win. And so, as circulation dipped, He found his mag had been outstripped. (Mark Raffman) *Zbigniew Brzezinski, foreign affairs adviser *When you're waiting in line at those ol' Pearly Gates To enter the kingdom of light, And they look up your name in the Book of the Fates, Here's hoping they've got it spelled right. (Duncan Stevens) *Johnny Hallyday, French pop icon*: France's Elvis — may he rest in peace. Mais oui, /il a quitté l'edifice. / (Mark Raffman) *Emma Morano (1899""2017), the last surviving person born in the 1800s:* Higgledy piggledy, Emma Morano has Left us, and though it was Sad she should go, News of her passing came Nonunexpectedly, Since she was born before Nineteen-oh-oh. (Jesse Frankovich) *Stubbs the Cat, "mayor" of Talkeetna, Alaska For years, Alaskan tourists made a mandatory beeline To meet Talkeetna's mayor: such a well-connected feline. "Alas!" Alaskans mourn, "he could have gotten votes aplenty If he were in the running for VP in 2020." (Beverley Sharp) *Sue Grafton planned to finish, But she died, her goal unmet: To name her murder mysteries Using all the alphabet. So sad that she completed Only twenty-five. You see — Her literary legacy Is only A to Y. (Mary Erickson, Columbia, Md., a First Offender) *Adam West, TV's Batman* Battling Joker, Penguin, Riddler, Never playing second-fiddler, Egghead, False-Face, Mr. Freeze? Villains he dispatched with ease! Now, alas, his life's finito — He can't save us from the Cheeto. (Mark Raffman) *Columnist Jimmy Breslin *New journalism told it down and dirty: For Jimmy Breslin, now it's finally-30-. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) *The 212 Olympians who died in 2017: *Here's to the ballers and boxers and curlers, The cyclists and swimmers and javelin hurlers, The ones who stood proudly while wearing a medal, Or lost (a muffed pass, a pulled punch, a slipped pedal): Although you're at rest under layers of lacquer, You still make me feel like a champion slacker. (Melissa Balmain) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 5: our contest for creative Yelp reviews. See wapo.st/invite1264. ====================================================================== WEEK 1266, published February 11, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1266: The Tile Invitational V Our neologism contest playing off ScrabbleGrams; plus winning crossword clues By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Email the author Entertainment February 8 Email the author Follow @PatMyersTWP //(Click here to skip down to the winning crossword clues) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) *AUEALGB: AA-bulge:* The result of choosing too small a bra size. /(Hugh Thirlway) / *AUEALGB: AA-bulge: The result of eating every time you feel the urge for a drink. /(David Adlerstein)/ *AUEALGB: Galbeau:* Transgender heartthrob. /(David Ballard) / *AUEALGB: Begaul:* Try to impress with French expressions. "That pompous jerk kept begauling me with 'ma cherie.' " /(Chris Doyle) / It's our fifth go-round with the neologism challenge based on the syndicated ScrabbleGrams game that runs every weekday in The Post: In a graphic below is a list of 40 seven-letter sets taken from the out-of-print "Big Book of ScrabbleGrams." Each of them contains at least one real seven-letter word, but that's not the point. Instead, create a five-, six- or seven-letter word (or phrase) by scrambling the letters of any of the sets and define it,* as in the examples above from 2014 (that set isn't included this time). Feel free to make your entry funnier — and more inkworthy than someone else's similar idea — by using your term in a funny sample sentence. (Note that we are not playing for Scrabble points; the letter values don't matter.) The Empress implores you: Begin /every/ entry — as usual, up to 25 in all — with the letter set you're unscrambling, as above, and spell it correctly, so that it won't take hours for the E just to sort the entries. (At the bottom of the page is a list of the 40 racks as text you can copy.) Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1266* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the book "How to Poo on a Date: The Lovers' Guide to Toilet Etiquette," a handy paperback advising aspiring lovers what to do if you are "in a gondola," "having a webcam chat and just can't wait" or "at her place and you stink up the toilet." Donated by that romantic Loser Dave Prevar, who also threw in, for that perfect date, a little strand of rubbery fake snot that you let hang out your nose. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 19; results published March 11 (online March 8). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column — published late Thursday afternoon — discusses the new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . (Grid by Evan Birnholz/DevilCross.com) *CLUE CARDS: REPORT FROM WEEK 1262* **In*Week 1262* *we asked you to supply creative clues for any of the words in a grid by Washington Post Sunday crossword constructor Evan Birnholz; here are the best among them. Some would be at home in a "cryptic crossword," requiring you to think flexibly; for example, ABE* as "1 PM in Tokyo" refers to P*rime *M*inister Shinzo Abe. If a clue stumps you: The Empress Explains Everything in this week's Style Conversational at wapo.st/conv1266 . 4th place: *JOSEREYES:* The ICE agent told him, "You must be Joe King" (Mark Raffman, Reston) 3rd place: *FETED:* Only its homophone describes the Redskins (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) 2nd place and the "Dance the Macarena" VHS tape: *ITALIANO:* /"Veni veni veni!"/ (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *BAD:* Only half what Leroy Brown is (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Evan help us!: Honorable mentions (/Asterisks denote First Offenders.)/ *MAMASBOY: Son of Yo-Yo Yo-Yo (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.) *ITALIANO:* What the World Cup selection committee said right after /"¡España, sí!"/ (Mark Raffman) *ABOUND: Unit of building-leap effort for Superman (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) *TIRAMISU:* Italian for "love handles" (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *TIRAMISU:* Where Tiramisians go to college (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *REWARD:* Name the Cleavers briefly considered for their younger son. (Jim Derby, Rockville, Md.) *REWARD:* Another magnet for Dr. Kay (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *ETC:* Abbreviation for "I don't know the rest" (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *ETC:* What a teen hears after the first word of another lecture from Mom (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *LEI:* Even in Hawaii, it's best not to ask a female co-worker for one of these (Mark Raffman) *DIETER:* One who is hungry to succeed (Ben Aronin, Washington) *ASIDE:* At Minibar, one caviar-stuffed olive served on a flower petal (Janelle Gibb, Rockville, Md.) *ASIDE:* How much beef Your Mama ate last night (Mark Raffman) *TWEETY:* An orange-crested nuthatch usually found near golf courses (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *TWEETY:* "Mr. Fudd, what was signed at Versailles in 1919?" (Mark Calandra, Sudbury, Mass.) *RATTY:* Ancient Egyptian communication device (*Richard Campbell, Austin) *PIMA:* Home-schooler's answer to a geometry question (Ward Kay) *CONES:* How I knew Beldar, Prymaat and Connie were not from France (*Bert Klimas, Rice, Wash.) *CONES:* "I get two scoops on mine. Two! All those losers just get one" (Sean Bender-Prouty, Arlington) *ANTIQUE:* Beautiful furniture, ugly price (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *ANTIQUE + SOUNDS:* "You're welcome," "My pleasure" (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) *ASHEN:* How Rooster gets on '"RuPaul's Drag Race" (*Mark Oldenburg, Biglerville, Pa.) *ITSPAT:* Genius Bar brawl (Steve Honley, Washington) *ITSPAT: "May I call you Thelma, Mrs. Nixon?" (Elliott Shevin) *ITSPAT:* How to explain the glob of camel phlegm on your shirt (*Liv Johansson, Alexandria) *CHA:* Cha's partner (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) *CHA:* May I half this dance? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *CHA:* Put this in a purse to make a purchase (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *MSG: What Sarah Grziebienewski's first-grade students call her (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *TOWBAR:* Metro's answer to continually breaking escalators (John Hutchins) *TOWBAR:* Exam for traffic court lawyers (Ward Kay) *EXITLINE:* The Hotel California doesn't have one (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *EXITLINE:* Most exciting part of a five-act opera (Frank Mann, Washington) *ESTRANGE:* Website that offers do-it-yourself divorces (Mark Raffman) *ESTRANGE: Dating site for fetishists (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) *MITE:* The littlest Romney (*Dinah Rokach, Silver Spring) *ATIT:* Key part of John Mitchell's wringing endorsement of Katharine Graham (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *ALA:* Deity in Reader's Digest Condensed Koran (Jeff Shirley) *ALA:* Mobile home (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *ALA:* Near Miss. (Chris Doyle) *ONSET: When the false-starting sprinter left the blocks (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) *YOUVEGOTMETHERE:* What every man yearns to hear in bed (*Matthew Zimmer, New York) *YOUVEGOTMETHERE:* Why I'm not here. (Gordon Cobb) *YOUVEGOTMETHERE:* Accusation by London bobby while busting a drug lab (Paul Wilmes, Minneapolis) *YOUVEGOTMETHERE:* Sign pointing to Citi Field (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) *BARR:* Second item on a pirate's daily to-do list, after "A. Get up" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *ABE:* 1 PM in Tokyo (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *ABE:* What "To be or not to" is missing (Robert Schechter) *ABE+SASS: Name of s---hole bar right behind Lincoln Center. (Kevin Dopart) *SOW+SASS: Something you definitely can't make a silk purse from (Jesse Frankovich) *EDDIE+SASS: What Pugsley might kick in an Addams-Munster brawl (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *EDDIE:* What Ed do when Ed fall out of plane with no chute (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) *STEPOUT*: French patron saint of supermodels (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *TRAP:* "Our waitress sure is pretty, isn't she?" (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *WASHASHORE: First the oil spill does it; then we have to (Lindsay McClelland. Fairfax, Va.) *JESUIT + REWARD:* Frequent friar miles (Chris Doyle) *FAQ:* "Are we there yet?" is one (Rob Huffman) *SEXES: Checks out the chicks (Brendan Beary) *MIEN:* Bobby McGee's facial expression (John McCooey) *ANT:* Hill aide (Eileen Doll, Gwynn Oak, Md.) /And Last: / ITSPAT:* What drew the record number of "And Last" entries to this contest (Dave Prevar) *Still running — deadline Feb. 19: our contests for song parodies about education. See wapo.st/invite1265. *THE SCRABBLEGRAMS RACKS FOR WEEK 1266, as text* AAALWYY AACERWY AADMRSU AAILLNV ABCLOOX ABEFFOT ABELNRY ACCEPRY ACEMNOR ACILSUY ADDIKTY ADEEKWY ADEILRV AEEEGNT AEELTVW AEGINRV AEIOQSU AELTTUX AEPRRTU CIIOSUV DEEFHLU DEFGITY DEHLOOT DEILRVY DELMTUY DHILNOP DIILRTY EEGLNOZ EENPRTV EFHINST EFHLSTY EGHIINT EHILLNO EILSSTY ELNOSSW ELNOSTV FIMNORS IINRTTY ILSSTTY LLMPPUY ====================================================================== WEEK 1267, published February 18, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1267: Jingle bungle Why stop at MLK for Ram Trucks? Give us more bad-idea spokesmen. Plus fun with team abbrevs.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // February 15 (Click here to skip down to the winning combinations of team abbreviations) *— Vincent van Gogh sells Bose speakers: "These are great even with only one ear!"* *— Joan of Arc sells Zippo lighters. "When you need a steady flame . . ."* *— The Donner Party shown on a Snickers commercial: "Too bad they didn't bring along a few of these!" Head slapping is illegal in NFL football. But what else can you do when you see the words of a sermon by the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. — a sermon that goes on to attack the urge to accumulate status symbols, like cars — used in a Super Bowl commercial for Ram Trucks? The idea quickly got the Loser Community digging into its Big Vat of Terrible Ideas. In the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook, Duncan Stevens offered the ad slogans and "endorsers" above. This week: Suggest an ill-advised spokesman (dead or alive, or fictional), along with a humorously noooo slogan or jingle. (We've done this contest a couple of times over the years, but without asking for slogans; some people sent them anyway, like this from Russ Taylor in 2008: "Johnnie Cochran for Trojans: "If the glove won't fit, you can't emit.") Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1267* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of thin, stretchy socks that aim to make your feet look like two beefsteaks. Modeled here (for just a few seconds) by the Empress. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 26; results published March 18 (online March 15). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column — published late Thursday afternoon — discusses the new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . This week the E will share the results of the earlier bad-endorser contests. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *THE WITTER OLYMPICS: SCOREBOARD PAIRINGS FROM WEEK 1263* In Week 1263 we supplied lists of the abbreviations used on scoreboards for Olympic and college teams, and asked you to say what would happen if any two (sometimes more) were matched up. The most common combination: The*BAR*bados-*BER*muda match was a close shave, won by a whisker, a hairy competition, lots of clipping calls, point shaving, etc. etc. etc. 4th place: If Utah State University*(USU) played the University of Rhode Island*(URI),* there would be guaranteed high interest. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) Sole food: This week's second prize (feet not included). (Mark Holt) 3rd place: The players drowned out the crowd when Burkina Faso (BUR)* took on Papua New Guinea*(PNG)* in competitive beer drinking. (Mary McNamara, Washington) 2nd place and the electric Yodeling Pen : When Turkey (TUR)* and Villanova (NOVA)* play, there are plenty of fumbles and interceptions. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: If Grambling State*(GRAM)* was to play Morocco*(MAR) . . . Wait — is that "was" or "were"? (Meg Winters, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) Division II: Honorable mentions Not just athletics Haiti (HAI)* v. Kansas (KU)* It is poetry (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) If Ghana (GHA)* played Argentina (ARG),* fans on both sides would be extremely frustrated with the referees' calls. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) If Robert Mueller oversaw a game between Wichita State (WICH)* and the University of North Texas (UNT),* some would call it the single greatest one in history. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) When the Democratic Republic of Congo (COD)* plays Germany (GER),* they mostly just complain about their injuries and how much better the game used to be. (Gary Crockett) You can always expect to see Harvey Weinstein at a Sierra Leone *(SLE)*-Azerbaijan*(AZE)* match. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) Everyone remembers when Alabama (ALA)* played Miami-Ohio (M-OH)*. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) If Netherlands Antilles (AHO) played Latvia*(LAT),* it would be the highest-scoring game in Olympic history. (Danielle Nowlin) If Armenia*(ARM)* played Pittsburgh (PITT)* in football, each team would rely heavily on its right guard. (Jesse Frankovich) If Barbados*(BAR)* played Estonia (EST)* in a pickup game of basketball, it would be skins vs. skins. (Jesse Frankovich) When Louisville (LOU)* plays Syracuse (SYR),* both teams finish second. (Mark Raffman) If Burkina Faso (BUR)* played Germany*(GER),* the game would be played with relish. (Mark Calandra, Sudbury, Mass.) If Central African Republic (CAF) raced Tanzania (TAN),* the uniforms would be comfortable, if not exactly designed for speed. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Indiana (IND)* was supposed to play Arkansas (ARK),* but no one told them. (Duncan Stevens) If Estonia (EST)* played Russia (RUS),* the winner would surely play the Miami Heat. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) The game between Peru*(PER)* and Vietnam*(VIE)* was canceled because ewwwww! (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) If Indiana State (INST)* played Antigua and Barbuda (ANT),* the game would be decided by a coin toss. (Brian Halbert, Ashburn, Va.) If Iraq (IRQ)* played Somalia*(SOM),* the spectators would get all annoyed with both teams. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Let's just hope none of the athletes just ate before the big Barbados *(BAR)* vs. Finland (FIN)* match. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) If Team Canada (CAN) played Canisius (CAN)* in football, it would be all about the kicking game. (Emmah Lynch, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) If Lamar (LAM) played Estonia (EST)* in football, it would be like any Browns-Giants game. (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) If Morehead State (MORE) played Missouri State (MOST),* it would only be a quantifying round. (Liv Johansson, Alexandria, Va.) If Netherlands Antilles (AHO)* played Lesotho (LES),* they would both be disqualified for unsportsmanlike conduct. (Larry Levine, Rockville, Md.) Extra lifeguards were hired for the Singapore (SIN)*-Kenya (KEN)* swim meet. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) If Slovenia (SLO)* faced off against Bahrain (BRN),* the game would take forever but you'd be riveted every second. (Noam Izenberg, Columbia, Md.) If Turkey (TUR) played Bangladesh (BAN)* in football, their helmets might not be too useful. (Marleen May, Rockville; Beverley Sharp) When Puerto Rico (PUR)* plays Germany (GER),* they're going to heave everything on the field. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) If Yemen (YEM) plays Oman (OMA),* you can be sure everybody will score. (Jeff Hazle) Whatever the outcome of the Butler (BUT)*-Howard (HOW)* game, the winners seem puzzled by their victory. (Kathleen Cross, Silver Spring, Md.) No one is overly concerned about the outcome between Southeast Louisiana *(SELA)* and Vietnam (VIE).* (Jeff Shirley) Spectators in the stands love to do the wave when Suriname (SUR)* plays Finland (FIN).* (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) The Latvia (LAT)* Estonia (EST)* match just ended. (John Hutchins) Today's match between the Cayman Islands (CAY)* and Bulgaria*(BUL)* has been rescheduled for next Thursday between 8 and 4:30. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Two teams from Papua New Guinea (PNG)* would be more likely to face off in table tennis. (Daniel Hall, Toronto, a First Offender) When Indonesia's track team (INA)* competed against Belarus (BLR) the crowd blinked and missed it. (Mary McNamara) When they compete, the teams from Barbados (BAR)* and Estonia (EST)* dress like ancient Olympic athletes. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) If Haiti (HAI)* played Honduras (HON),* the players would constantly be waving to the cameras. (Danielle Nowlin) If Bermuda (BER)* played a intrasquad scrimmage, the field would be highly durable, stain-resistant, and generally more affordable than thicker, plush fields. (Jesse Frankovich) When Venezuela (VEN) and Eritrea (ERI) play mixed doubles, they just can't keep their hands off each other. (Mark Raffman) Memphis (MEM)* would play Mauritius (MRI)* all alone in the moonlight. (Duncan Stevens) When Finland (FIN)* plays Germany (GER)*, the loser always "salutes" the winner. (Gary Crockett) A swim meet between Hungary (HUN)* and Guyana (GUY)* would leave little to the imagination. (Seth Tucker, Washington) If the University of Richmond (*RICH),* Tanzania (TAN), Belize *(BIZ)*, Manhattan College (MAN),* Turkey (TUR),* the Netherlands *(NED)* and Poland*(POL)* played each other in turns, it would be, like, the roundest robin ever. (Jesse Frankovich) *Still running: two simultaneous contests; deadline for both is Monday night, Feb. 19: song parodies about education (wapo.st/invite1265 ); and new words found in ScrabbleGrams "racks" (wapo.st/invite1266 ). ====================================================================== WEEK 1268, published February 25, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1268: Playing Pinocchio— give us fake trivia on the media Plus winning Yelp-style reviews of places like Hades, Oz and a bird feeder(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Email the author Entertainment February 22 Email the author // (Click here to skip down to the winning faux-Yelp reviews) **Robert Redford almost wasn't cast in "All the President's Men" because producers didn't think he was handsome enough to play Bob Woodward.* **The Linotype machine was invented by a Latvian machinist named Etaoin Shrdlu .* *Soy-based printing ink was developed in Britain to add flavor to the fish and chips served in newspaper cones.* The Style Invitational's never-ending crusade to mislead the world continues this week close to home, thanks to a contest suggestion by Obsessive Loser Jeff Contompasis. This week: Tell us some humorously bogus trivia about the news media or the publishing or broadcast industries,* as in the examples above, the last two by JefCon himself. The optical illusion in the photo on the sales page (left) is a little more convincing than what arrived in the mail (right), modeled by the torso of the Royal Consort. (Left, Wish.com; right, Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1268* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a stretchy T-shirt that, if you use a whole lot of imagination (and you carry a dark background around with you at all times), looks as if a cross section of the wearer's torso has been cut away with a saw, except for the spine, which now stands cartoonishly between the chest and abdomen. The Empress saw this advertised on her favorite Portal for Cheap Loser Prizes, Wish.com, and sent away for it. Let's say the photo in the ad was more convincing. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 5; results published March 25 (online March 22). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Smarty Pans" is by Chris Doyle; Chris, Jesse Frankovich and Jeff Contompasis each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column — published late Thursday afternoon — discusses the new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *SMARTY PANS: THE YELP REVIEWS FROM WEEK 1264 **For Week 1264 we asked you to write humorous Yelp-style reviews of novel places. 4th place: *Dr. Kvack's waiting room* is super-crowded, but you won't believe how fast it clears — it took me just 10 minutes to see him. Even better, as soon as I mentioned my lower back pain, he dashed off a three-month scrip for Vicodin. Quick and easy!! "˜…"˜…"˜…"˜…"˜… (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 3rd place: If you're a connoisseur of fine art, you've got to get yourself to Mrs. Fletcher's third-grade homeroom at Elm Street Elementary. The work is consistently impressive, but that of one prodigy, Bevis Wildenkrantz III, merits extra mention. His "House With Smiley-Face Sun" is worth the trip alone. — B.W., Greenville (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place *and the cute plush E. coli bacterium : * If you're looking for a good Irish pub in Manhattan, do /not / go to *St. Patrick's on Fifth Avenue. For such a fancy place, the service was lousy — we had to stand in line just to get to the bar, and then all they had were bad wine and some bread. And the bartenders were dressed like they were in a school graduation. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Ford's Theatre:* I actually thought the show was pretty good. Now you can all stop asking. — M.T. Lincoln, Washington (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) The weak in review: Honorable mentions Famed for its year-round warmth, Hades* offers the discerning traveler a sinfully luxurious chance to stretch out on the brimstone beaches of the River Styx and moan along with the wailful whimpers of some of history's greatest dictators. Best of all, accommodations are provided free of charge and you can stay forever. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) The agonizing fire, the throat-searing brimstone, the screams of pain and despair from my fellow damned . . . I worked all my life to qualify for this place, and it's everything I'd hoped for. Five pitchforks! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Bird Feeder at 347 Maple:* A fine exemplar of the whole-grain movement, with a menu that's seedy, nutty and nutritious. The only failing was accessibility problems for the bushily tailed; it required great effort to pick up my order. — Rocket J., Frostbite Falls (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.) *Mom's Bed and Breakfast:* The proprietor is a control freak. She serves vegetables you don't want to eat, nags you to wear a sweater, even orders you to go to bed. It's free for the first 18 years, which is nice, but that lady needs some boundaries. (Alex Blackwood, Houston) I*-66 HOT lanes:* Five stars — for now! NoVA commuters, have I got a tip! You heard I-66 has been converted into an outrageously expensive toll road? So I'm fuming about the $37.25 I'll have to pay to get to work. Then I reach my exit and — get this — /they forgot to install the tollbooths! / Hurry, enjoy the free commute before those bozos realize their mistake! (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Jacksonville:* "It's really nice, but New York has a lot to offer, too. Or maybe Arizona?" —K. Cousins, Washington (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) I'm sorry to report that Jimmy John's does /not / live up to its promises. Yesterday I ordered a Totally Tuna sub, buried my nose in it, handed it back . . . and was told, "That'll be $7.21"! "Free smells," my foot. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) I've been hunting on six continents. I've taken down everything from pumas to leopards to tigers. But /nothing/ beats Narnia* for big game. You won't BELIEVE the lion I bagged. — D.J.T Jr., New York (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) The sign should've alerted me to the shoddiness of Cindy's "Leminade" stand,* where I wasted a quarter on super-sweetened bilge. Requests for a sprig of basil were met by uncomprehending stares, and demands to speak with management drew threats to "call Mommy." Thankfully, this pop-up joint seems to have gone out of business. (Frank Osen) *Ben's Chili Bowl:* I'm sorry but that dog was only half-smoked. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) The Mordor volcano tour was fascinating, but the locals were pretty hostile and the giant tower with the CBS logo on it was kind of tacky. Why do we have to have product placement everywhere??? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Oz:* One star — terrible customer service! The people I met were mostly friendly but badly misinformed. When I arrived after a difficult trip, they sent me and some equally frustrated travelers to see some "wizard," who made us go through a bunch of hoops and ended up not helping at all. From now on, I'm staycationing in Kansas. (Ward Kay) *Washington Monument: This is terrible! It doesn't look anything like him! (Duncan Stevens) Has anyone noticed that the*free library box in front of the Fitzgeralds' house has gone seriously downhill? The glass hasn't been cleaned in ages, the quality of the books has deteriorated ("Baby-Sitters Club #12"??) — and would it kill them to add a bench and some refreshments? (Frank Osen) Three stars for the*walking tour of U.S. 1 in Northern Virginia: The scenery is great, and you'd be surprised at what you find on this stretch of road. But try not to go in midsummer or the dead of winter: the orange jumpsuits and yellow vests they give you are either too hot or not warm enough. I think I'd just pay the fine next time. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Go ahead and take a load off at John's Porta-Potty at the construction site at Fourth and Main — they're clearly concerned for your privacy and semi-comfort. Rain, snow, they've got you covered. (High winds? Not so sure.) Shallow breathing recommended. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Manassas Transfer Station:* Simply put, this place is a dump. (Daphne Steinberg, Alexandria) *The Bastille: One star. Accommodations extremely uncomfortable. Staff rude. Fortunately, I am assured that our stay will be short. — M. Antoinette, Paris (Duncan Stevens) The radicchio and arugula salad at George's Cafe* is as bitter as I felt when I found out that George was cheating on me with that waitress. The lettuce is as limp as his reproductive equipment; the dining atmosphere is that of hooker perfume. The only solace is that George's prices are as cheap as the tramp he ran off with. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) D.C. has lots of great parades, but don't bother going to the one the *Marine Corps holds in late October — the marchers all seem to be in a hurry , and the few clowns and jugglers are only at the end. (Kevin Dopart) The restaurant*Hooters* has excellent chicken wings (I guess that's where they got the name), but I was disturbed that young ladies taking my order wore revealing shirts and scanty short-shorts. I'm not aroused by the shapely female servers, but not because I am gay! I cannot condone the shameful objectification of women (unless it's by my boss), but as I said, these wings are really good! So I'll definitely dine here again soon. — review by MothersBoy (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) That specialty theme park at Disney World* is great! This auto buff found the number and variety of cars astounding -- and there was no admission fee! I spent the day wandering down row after row of new and old vehicles in the whimsically named "Parking Lot A." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Mos Eisley Cantina:* This bar brings in some good musical acts, but the patrons look like the "before" ward at a cosmetic surgery practice, and there's too much violence--one old guy cut off my buddy's arm for no good reason. Avoid. (Duncan Stevens) I had $45 burning a hole in my pocket, so I tried the*I-66 express lane*. So much fun watching all those poor suckers stuck in rush hour traffic while I sailed on through -- The distressed looks on their faces were priceless! Made it to my anger management therapy with 10 minutes to spare! (Frank Mann, Washington) The expedition began with 16 stalwart souls. After countless examples of tragedy, perseverance, heroism, and, yes, eventually cannibalism, only I survived and made it to the South Pole.* Was it worth it? I don't know ... I thought there would be a bigger pole. (Gary Crockett) /And Last:/ Our class visit to the Washington Post newsroom* was delightful and informative. The only negative was some woman sitting by herself wearing a ridiculous hat (something with an octopus?), reading a huge stack of paper. She would alternate between cackling like a witch on laughing gas and barking out something about "true rhymes." Frankly, she frightened the children. (Todd DeLap) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 26: our contest for bad ideas for product spokesmen. Seewapo.st/invite1267 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1269, published March 4, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1269: Mess with our heads This is a 'bank head.' Write a funny one for a real headline. Plus winning parodies about education. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Email the author Entertainment March 1 Email the author // (Click here to skip down to the winning song parodies about education) /Real headline: / Roasting a chicken is easier than you think /Fake bank head: / /*Just start your speech with 'Hey, you dumb cluck . . . ' / // *Cousins will file grievance if tagged /*Litigious relatives ruin reunion picnic game with legal threat / Along with song parodies — which we enjoy this very week — Mess With Our Heads remains one of the Empress's favorite Style Invitational contests. Even though The Post's headlines (thankfully) aren't as "newspapery" as they used to be, and now often read more like conversational sentences, there's still plenty to play on, especially since you can use any paper anywhere. This week: Reinterpret (or comment wryly on) a headline appearing in The Post (print or online) or another publication and dated March 1-12 by writing a bank head,* or subtitle, as in the examples above, which play on recent headlines in The Post and its Express tabloid. Please give the source and date for the headline so the E can verify it. What counts as a headline? Can you use just part of one? May you write a bank head /for/ a bank head? The Empress explains just how to Mess With Our Heads in The Style Conversational,* her weekly supplemental column published late on Thursday, March 1, at wapo.st/conv1269 . Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1269* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two-count-'em-two fine volumes: "Red Flags! How to Know When You're Dating a Loser," a self-help paperback that tragically fails to warn the reader to look discreetly for refrigerator magnets; and "Expletive Deleted: A Good Look at Bad Language,"* which explores the history and many uses of various words we can't say here. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 12; results published April 1 (whuh-oh) in print, March 29 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Ha for Teacher" is by Dave Matuskey. Kevin Dopart and Tom Witte both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses the new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HA FOR TEACHER: EDUCATION-THEMED PARODIES FROM WEEK 1265* **In*Week 1265 we asked for songs falling into the deliberately broad topic of "education," set to familiar tunes. As with all our song parody contests, there were dozens of inkworthily clever, funny lyrics among the several hundred entries. I'll feature more of the over the next week or so in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook (on.fb.me/invdev). Most of the links below go to YouTube videos featuring the original song, so you can hear the melody while you sing along with these lyrics; the ones to Loser Nan Reiner's songs are to her own recordings, complete with colorful hats. 4th place: *Home Economics 1963 /(to "Be Our Guest" ) / Sew a dress! Sew a dress! Learn to launder and to press! Be a winner cooking dinner And then cleaning up the mess! Writing checks is complex For the weaker, fairer sex, But you need to have this knowledge To get married before college! While the boys are in shop You can learn to use a mop Or bake brownies that are destined to impress! Come get your education in subordination: Your success — being less — sew a dress! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 3rd place: *"You're at the final exam and never attended class. It's that dream again." *(To "I Dreamed a Dream") I dreamed a dream in time gone by When I found college courses thrilling. I dreamed my schooling would supply A way to make my life fulfilling. Though I was on financial aid, Professors knew me as a scrapper. By sticking to the plans I'd laid, At last I made Phi Beta Kappa. But now the terrors come at night In a dream that drags me under: I'm back in college feeling fright And a sudden sense of shame. I took a course but never went To any classes. What a blunder! There's not a chance I can prevent A grade of F beside my name! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 2nd place and the "Dirty Mind, Clean Body" tote bag featuring a photo of perky lemons: /To "Be Our Guest": / Beat the test, beat the test, Don't you mind about the rest, We will teach you how to better guess the answers we want guessed. Taking tests — just a game, And each subject is the same: No one cares if you have knowledge; "They'll take care of that in college." Every question has a clue How to answer, what to do So your strategy is never second best. Go on, get out your pencil And even the most dense'll Beat the test, beat the test, beat the test. Math or poems, you won't care; We will help you to prepare. All the questions have suggestions of their answers — they're right there! Eliminate two of four And you're sure to raise your score; Don't be such pathetic chancers — Hey, we're giving you the answers! We will show you little tricks Filling boxes in with ticks And to stay inside the lines and be repressed. If you'll just come to class, we'll guarantee you'll pass, Just take the test (we suggest That you cheat like all the rest), Beat the test, beat the test, beat the test! (Marcus Bales, Cleveland) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *"D.C. schools increasingly graduating chronically absent students, report finds"* /To "Jumpin' Jack Flash" / *I was raised in the D.C. public schools, Where the suits make their own achievement rules. But it's all right now, this slacker's morass. Yeah, it's all right — I'm never in class, still I pass pass pass! Turn in junk, get the teachers' dirty looks. Still don't flunk, cause they're cooking all the books. And it's all right now — to college for me. Yeah, it's all right . . . accepted I'll be into UDC! (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) Song and dunce: Honorable mentions *Inside the Girls' Room * /To 'Under the Boardwalk" / Though I'm a boy-turned-girl, like other kids I need relief, And there's a place I'd like to go without the school officials' grief: Inside the girls' room to take a pee . . . yeah, In a stall with the door closed tight is where I'd be. Inside the girls' room! (It's not really that fun) Inside the girls' room! (To sit and go number one) Inside the girls' room! (Why on earth does the guv) Inside the girls' room! (Think I'm lookin' for love) Inside the girls' room! Girls' room! (Mark Raffman) *Kansas School Funding* /(To "Wonderful World") / Don't know much about history, don't know much biology, 'Cause my state has gone completely nuts, pushed through education budget cuts, Now there's 45 kids per class; if you show up, then you're sure to pass, Ain't a wonderful world here for me. Don't know much about geography, don't know much trigonometry, 'Cause my district has been starved of funds, can't learn much about the Goths and Huns, But if they throw out those right-wing fools, and start funding all the public schools, What a wonderful world this could be. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Potty Training (Hey, that's education, too) To "Hallelujah" Well I heard you're 2, you've entertained thoughts of getting potty-trained 'Cause you don't really care for diapers, do ya? Well if you want to have a chance to graduate to big-boy pants There's quite a simple test, I'll give it to ya: When you do the Pee and poo, ya, Use the loo? Yah? Hallelujah! (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *The English Major's Song* (To "The Major General's Song" ) I am the very model of a modern English major grad, Where my degree will take me next, I wouldn't care to wager—sad! I diagram my sentences and have a special expertise At spotting misplaced semicolons, commas and apostrophes, At assonance and consonance and matters quite poetical I've theories both rhetorical and also hypothetical, I can expound on anything from Albee plays to Zeno's work— So, patience, please, while I refill your mocha Frappuccino, jerk! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Waking Up From a Map /Another "Major General" parody/ I used to love to go to school; how happy were those golden days! But sadly now I realize: those golden days were olden days. Geography was lots of fun; our maps were quite meticulous. But nothing's where it used to be-- (it's really quite ridiculous!). I look at modern maps and have to ask myself: "Hey, what the heck?" Bombay is now Mumbai, and look! Slovakia's no longer Czech. Zimbabwe, where is that? Oh yes, it used to be Rhodes-i-a; Sri Lanka was Ceylon (unless, perhaps, I have amnes-i-a) I'd love to go to Burma, but my ticket wouldn't get me far, 'Cause Burma is kaput, and now they call that country Myanmar; I've had it up to here! Constantinople now is Istanbul And Leningrad's St. Petersburg ... (okay, I'll just go back to school...) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *"Calif. case exposes lack of state laws on home schooling"* /To "Downtown" / If you are tribal with a hankerin' for Bible, you can always go "" home school. If it's too scary where complexions may vary, there's an "out," you know "" home school. If you should want a science jaunt devoid of evolution, A smudging and a fudging of the U.S. Constitution, Why should we care? No matter your pupil's loss, you'll get a wink and a voucher from Betsy DeVos, So go home school "" trumped-up curriculum "" Home school "" though it's ridiculum "" Home school "" keep your kids clueless like you. (Nan Reiner) *Teaching at D.C.'s Ballou High* /To "Yesterday" ) / Yesterday, you missed school again just yesterday, But I'm gonna pass you anyway 'Cause at Ballou, that's how we play. Can't you see, giving credit to an absentee, That's what principals expect of me In trade for job security. Kids who chose to show, they all know. What can I say? Stands will overflow on your graduation day. Suddenly I'm not welcomed by the faculty. There's a stench that's stronger than PE. I'm gonna get the third degree. Why'd I have to show numbers grow? Boss didn't say. Now the public knows, dominoes will start to sway. Trusting Rhee didn't bring accountability, Plus, there's problems over in P.G. The next to fall: Montgomery? (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) *Trump U (I)* /to "Jump" by the Pointer Sisters/ Your guys tell me that you want me To teach you tricks of Wall Street. I know you like the man you see. You know me, I'll give you what you know you need. You'll be glad, believe me. You're all excited 'cause you know there's no one smarter. Yes, students"¦ I'll make my pitch, then make you rich Like none of you has been before, And if you want more, more, more ... Choose Trump! I'm the best. Trump U! You'll pass the test. Trump! If you want to be a millionaire, all right then, Choose Trump and screw the rest. ... (Chris Doyle) *Trump U (II)* /To the Notre Dame fight song / Jeer, jeer for bad old Trump U., You got the money, we got the screw. We went to learn real estate And found out the scam a bit too late. We had no credits, we had no sport, Except perhaps to take you to court, Our class action got some traction, Our only victory. (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) *Ode to the Educational Testing Service* To — what else? — "Be Our Guest" ) ETS! ETS! They administer the tests That have countless hapless students feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Fill out forms, pay the fees, hope your writing hand won't freeze, In your essay analyzin' what produced the Easter Risin'. Watch the time, stay on track, fill the ovals, sign the back; Do it all again if Harvard's not impressed — You might not find it thrilling, but they'll make a killing: ETS! ETS! ETS! (Duncan Stevens) *Oh, why not one more ...* Passed the test! Passed the test! Going in, I felt distressed; I'll admit I hadn't listened to a word the prof professed. Had all week to prepare, but I didn't really care, And that meant a lot of trouble when I went to fill a bubble— Was it A? Was it B? How 'bout C? Or maybe D! I'd no clue of what to do but try my best... So as the clock was ticking, took a stab at picking— I just guessed! I just guessed! I just guessed!! (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *"You're Gonna Be (Late)" by Dad* /To "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by the Proclaimers] /C'mon, wake up! Yeah, you know you're gonna be, You're gonna be the kid who's late again for class! C'mon, slowpoke! Yeah, you know you've gotta be, You've gotta be to school or else I'll kick your ass! So you're tired? So you think your life's a pain? You oughta see how stinkin' fortunate you are! Quit complaining! You've got no right to complain! You get to ride to school in comfort in a car. Oh, I would walk five fun-filled miles, And I would walk five fun-filled more, In the snow, uphill—both ways—to get to school When I was only 4! (Jesse Frankovich) *Walking the Lunch Line* /To "Walking on Sunshine" / The orange ones are probably carrots; the green ones, who knows? The purple ones just make me wonder if eggplants have toes. The chili is leftover hot dogs and beans from last week. The nuggets use all of the chicken except for the beak. I'm walking the lunch line! (Yeow!) I'm walking the lunch line! (This chow!) I'm walking the lunch line! (Run now!) It doesn't look good! I used to think pizza was tasty, but now I don't know, If pizza's rectangles of cheese glued to barely cooked dough. "Fresh fruit" is misleading, I'm pleading for something that's real. The burgers are charred discs of sadness, I know how they feel"¦ (Paul Wilmes, Minneapolis) *The Bore Curriculum* /To "My Favorite Things" / Cosines and arcsines and "pure" mathematics, Logs to base e, second-order quadratics, Euclid and Euler and all of their breed "" These are the things you must learn but won't need. Plays in pentameter, plots seldom sunny; Footnotes insisting the Bard's being funny, Brit kings with numerals, gore guaranteed "" These are the things you must learn but won't need. When I mess up, when I misspeak, When I crash and burn, I limply resent all the things that I need But school never made me learn. (Steve Bremner, Philadelphia, a First Offender) *Another one to the same song ... Levers and pulleys and fake engineering, Getting a late pass, the office clerk sneering, Trying to memorize all British kings: These were a few of my least favorite things. Verb conjugations and Early Man mysteries, Random equations and changing world histories, Lunch trays with tater tots, limp chicken wings: These were a few of my least favorite things. When the car's dead, when the phone's lost, When adulting's sad, I simply remember the misery of school And then I don't feel so bad. Fruit flies that got in my hair and eyelashes, Chemistry labs that left nothing but ashes, The smell of formaldehyde, oh, how it clings: These were a few of my least favorite things. But here's the strange thing: At age 60 These things float my boat, It turns out that learning is actually fun When it's not forced down your throat. (Francesca Kelly, Highland Park, Ill.) *Procrastination* /To "More Than a Feeling" / I woke up this morning at five-oh-one 'Cause I've got a paper that's due today Got till third period to get it done Why do my nights always slip away? It's procrastination, procrastination, That same old game that I always play, My grades are slipping, grade point is dipping, I see my car taken away, I see my car gettin' taken away (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Sex Ed: A Horror Story* /To "The Birds and the Bees" / Let me tell you 'bout the birds and the bees and venereal disease; Let me fill you with dread ... when you take sex ed! Let me tell you that we can't tell you much about birth control and such Or the ways to protect — parents would object! They think ignorance will keep you chaste, but perhaps they miss the mark Thinking you'll be disinclined to mess around being left in the dark-- Let me tell you, when you're out on a date, you don't wanna procreate Or contract STDs — so just cool it, please! Though you can't learn math or history, still we think there's lotsa sense To believe you'll listen to a word we say teaching you abstinence-- Let me tell you, we don't want you prepared; we just wanna keep you scared -- Kids, you can't take the chance — keep it in your pants! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday, March 6: our contest for fake trivia about the media, publishing, etc. See wapo.st/invite1268 . *Next week:* It's The Style Invitational's 25th birthday — we started on March 7, 1993. We'll be able to rent a car! (Still, nobody will accuse us of being grown up.) ====================================================================== WEEK 1270, published March 11, 2018 Week 1270: The Invite turns 5 x 5 *Tupac? Red Baron?* Dead at twenty-five. More sensational? Invitational — Somehow still alive! "ƒ"ƒ"ƒ— the deposed Czar of The Style Invitational On Sunday, March 7, 1993, Washington Post readers turned to Page 2 of the Style section and discovered a new, oddish-looking feature in the top left corner. "Introducing The Style Invitational," the headline said. "Week 1." There was no byline, and no other hello from its anonymous author before it launched into its first contest: to come up with a new name for the Washington Redskins. A couple of faux-crude cartoons offered examples: the Washington Rotundas, the Washington GS-11. First prize: a Timex Ironman Triathlon watch, like the one sometimes worn by President Clinton. Totally coincidentally, that same watch was excoriated in that very same Style section — as "thick as a brick and handsome as a hernia" — in an essay by the section's new Sunday editor, timepiece connoisseur Gene Weingarten.(The watch-winner, announced two weeks later, was one Douglas Miller: "The Baltimore Redskins. No, don't move the team, just change the name. Let Baltimore worry about it.") The Washington Redskins are still here, with the same stupid name. And, 25 years later, so is The Style Invitational, with /its/ same stupid name. (But we posit that we've been far more successful, even though we're also full of Losers.) The Empress deposed the original Czar more than 14 years ago, but occasionally trots him out for guest appearances. For our No. 2 winner, emoji pillow and slippers. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) How to commemorate 25 years of Inviting? The E received various contest ideas, and we're going with this one from Hall of Fame Loser Kevin Dopart, in honor of our dozens of light-verse contests dating back to Week 12. Kevin suggested that we play on the 25 — or 5 squared. This week: Write a witty poem, on any subject, in any of these forms: * * A. Five lines of five syllables each,* as in the example above; B. Five lines of five words each.* (Hyphenated terms may count as either one or two words.) *C. Five lines of iambic pentameter, or ba-DUM ba-DUM ba-DUM ba-DUM ba-DUM. Rhymes are not required, though spot-on rhyming is clever and we're a contest about cleverness, so "perfect rhymes" tend to get more ink. We're also fond of humor about current events, though we're willing to go off-topical as well. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1270* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a little poop emoji pillow, donated by Jeff Contompasis, /and/ a pair of poop emoji slippers, donated by Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 19; results published April 8 in print, April 5 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Scrabble Rousers" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jon Gearhart; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ Also on Facebook: Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday . *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses the new contest and results. This week: some favorite winners, particularly from the past five years. Especially if you might enter this week's contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv beginning late Thursday afternoon, March 8. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *SCRABBLE ROUSERS: THE NEOLOGISMS OF WEEK 1266* Once again, we offered up several dozen seven-letter "racks" from the ScrabbleGrams word game and invited the Loser community to find words in them — real ones or new ones — of five to all seven letters. Many people rearranged EILSSTY to describe Invite addicts: STYLIES.* 4th place: DEILRVY —>*D-LIVERY*: Low-grade package service for when it absolutely, positively doesn't have to be there overnight. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 3rd place: LLMPPUY —>*UMPLY: Smugly adhering to the rules: " 'No, I'm afraid you can't build a hotel on Water Works,' Joe declared umply." (Sara Jay, Churchville, Md.) 2nd place /and the book "How to Poo on a Date" : /ADEILRV —> LIARED: Hired a press secretary. "Trump immediately liared up after the election." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: AAALWYY —> LAYAWAY:* A payment plan that reportedly costs $130,000. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) The tile floor: Honorable mentions AAALWYY —> LAW-YAYA: An inexperienced, incompetent attorney, "Got busted for DUI and they put some law-yaya on my case." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) AAALWYY —> YAY, A LAW!: A cheer you rarely hear in Congress anymore. (Frank Mann, Washington) AAILLNV —> ANVILLA:* A timeshare that quickly becomes a financial burden. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) AAILLNV —> ANVILLA:* Iron-enriched ice cream flavor. (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) AAILLNV —>*NILLA, VA:* The whitest D.C. suburb. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) AAILLNV —> VAINAL:* Susceptible to bribery, but even more to flattery. (Frank Mann) ABELNRY —>*LYE BRAN:* Breakfast of masochists. (Karen Van Buren, Los Altos, Calif.) ACCEPRY —> YE CRAP:* What Henry VIII called people from "chamber pot countries." (Jesse Frankovich) ACEMNOR —>*MANCORE:* One way or the other, a six-pack. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) ACEMNOR —> ENORMAC:* Ten all-beef patties . . . (Jesse Frankovich) ACEMNOR —> O-MANCE:* Porn. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) ADEILRV —>*LAVDIRE:* Urgency involving bodily functions. "I know it's the side of the road, but pull over! It's lavdire!" (John Shea, Philadelphia) ADEILRV —> ADRIVEL:* Rambling into inanity. "The senator's filibuster speech quickly went adrivel." (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) ADEILRV —> ADVILE:* A medication /way/ past its sell-by date. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) ADEILRV —> DRIVEAL:* Meaningless slogans used to sell cars. "Love, it's what makes a Subaru a Subaru" — pure driveal. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring) ADEILRV —> DR VILE:* Larry Nassar's vanity plate. (Michele Uhler, Fort Washington, Md.) ADEILRV —> VLADIER:* More vampiric. "No way Christopher Lee was Vladier than Bela!" (John Shea) AEEEGNT —> GEE-NEAT: Minnesotan for "$#!+, yeah." (Paul Wilmes, Minneapolis; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) AEEEGNT —> GENE TEA: Euphemism for what is stored in sperm banks. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) AEELTVW —> EEL TV: This Discovery Channel special didn't quite match the ratings of Shark Week. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) AELTTUX —> TEALTUX:* The height of fashion at my prom in 1979. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) AELTTUX —> LATUX:* What you wear to the Rubber Fetish Ball. (Lee Graham, Germantown, Md.) AEPRRTU —>*PURR-TEA:* Cuddly name for cat urine. "Oh, did Tabby spray a little purr-tea on your coat?" (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) AEGINRV —>*VEIN RAG:* The last thing you want to hear your doc ask for as you go under anesthesia. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) DEEFHLU —> HUD-FEEL:* Lack of empathy for people one is supposed to protect. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) DEEFHLU —>*FEEL DUH:* What you do before smacking your head. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) DEFGITY —> DEFIG:* What Eve did when she got playful with Adam. (Jesse Frankovich) DEFGITY —> DEFIT:* What Thanksgiving and Christmas can do to your clothes. (Drew Bennett) DHILNOP —> LOIN PHD:* A highly qualified prostitute. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) FIMNORS —> MS NOIR*: That dame you can't forget, the one who blows smoke rings in your face. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) EEGLNOZ —> LEG ZONE:* On Spirit Airlines, it's the area under your chin. (Janelle Gibb, Rockville Md.) EEGLNOZ —> LEG ZONE: Located somewhere south of the Canal Zone. (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) EEGLNOZ —>*LEGO ZEN: A sect whose test of faith is walking barefoot across a second-grader's playroom. (Chris Doyle) ELNOSSW —>** OWLESS:* Describes your child's boo-boo once you kiss it. (Chris Doyle) *Still running — deadline Monday night, March 12: our Mess With Our Heads bank head contest. See wapo.st/invite1269. ====================================================================== WEEK 1271, published March 18, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1271: Yodel his praises A neologism contest in honor of Chris Doyle's 2,000th ink. Plus winning bad ideas for product spokesmen. With 2,000 blots -- now 2,003 -- of Style Invitational ink, Chris Doyle now has almost 500 more than the second-place Loser. (Karen Bracey) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Email the author Entertainment March 15 Email the author Follow @patmyersTWP //(Click here to skip down to the winning bad ideas for company spokesmen) Last week, The Style Invitational marked a milestone the Empress never dreamed of reaching — literally, there was no dream — way back when: our 25th anniversary. And also last week, it turns out, something equally once-unthinkable happened: Chris Doyle scored his 2,000th blot of Invite ink. In July 2004, Chris became the fourth member of the Invite Hall of Fame with his 500th printed entry, even though he hadn't started entering in earnest till 2000, our eighth year. In the ensuing years, Hurricane Chris continued to storm across the columns of the Invite, leaving a trail of ink of every shade, but mostly in wordplay: neologisms, limericks, song parodies, just plain jokes. In 2009 the retired chief actuary of the Defense Department joined Russell Beland in the rarefied 1K Club, reached his 1,500th in 2013, passed the retired Beland's 1,523 a few months later — and has been the Invitational's most-lauded Loser ever since. (Come back, Russ, try to catch up!) Along the way, Chris has won this contest outright /fifty-seven/ times and has been a runner-up /one hundred sixty-six/ times. (Yes, he's been declining the trophies and other prizes for years.) We honor Chris's 2K with a contest — and of course he can enter it along with you: This week: Coin a new word or phrase that contains the letters D, O, Y, L and E,* in any order, and define it; those letters may be in any order and have other letters, spaces, etc., between them, but they must include all five letters. Feel free to use your term in a sentence if that makes your entry funnier. Our prize in honor of Offensive Stereotype Day (March Division). Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1271* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. And in honor of Mr. Doyle's heritage, and of course Saint Patrick's Day, second place wins an offensively stereotypical ball cap labeled "Irish Drinking Cap!": Inset into the brim is a bottle opener. Donated by Loser Matt Monitto — who bought it in Ireland. (Mr. Doyle is actually a fiend for Diet Coke.) *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 26; results published April 15 in print, April 12 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Beverley Sharp; Jesse Frankovich and Duncan Stevens both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev; / get the Style Invitational Ink of the Day graphic at bit.ly/inkofday. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column — published late Thursday, March 15 — discusses the new contest and results. This week: a Q&A with Chris Doyle. * Check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *SHILL SHOCK: BAD BRAND SPOKESMEN FROM WEEK 1267* **In Week 1267,* inspired by that OMG-what-were-they-thinking commercial that shilled Ram Trucks with a voice-over sermon by the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., we asked for tasteless (or otherwise bad) ideas for celebrity product spokespeople, living or not, real or fictional. Very fortunately, you won't be seeing any of these during the Super Bowl. 4th place: *Charles Manson for the Beatles' White Album*: "It's inspirational!" (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: *Steve Bannon for Neutrogena skin care products: "I don't use them." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 2nd place /and the steak-motif socks : / Dan Snyder for the Museum of the American Indian:* "Heap big Injun museum here in D.C. You like plenty good." (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Richard Spencer for Christian Louboutin* high heels: "Choos will not replace us!" (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Pitched: Honorable mentions *Benedict Cumberbatch for Imodium AD:* "No diarrhea, Sherlock!" (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) *Carly Rae Jepsen for the American Telemarketing Association:* "Don't worry — we're definitely going to call you ." (Darren Timothy, Bristow, Va., whose last blot of ink was in 2005) *Laura Ingraham for Depends: "Justpull up and dribble ." (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) *Lizzie Borden for Husqvarna chain saws:* "Forty whacks? Why?" (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Stormy Daniels for Hershey's: "First the Kisses, and then the PayDay! Sweeet!" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Stormy Daniels for Forbes Magazine*: "Withthis magazine in my hands, I was able to increase my income by $130,000!" (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *Al Franken for Allstate:* "The good-hands people, reaching out just for you!" (Mark Raffman) *Antwan Wilson for the D.C. Lottery*: "Anyone can win! [wink, wink]." (Nan Reiner) *Satan for Prada:* "I wear it." (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *Sleeping Beauty for Folgers Coffee:* "The best part of waking up — and a heck of a lot better than some prince with his tongue in my mouth." (Will Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio) *Colin Kaepernick for Anthem: "I would never stand for bad health insurance." (Bill Dorner) *Danielle Steel for Comcast: "She had waited longingly and then impatiently as the end of her four-hour window approached, but now he was here in front of her, his tawny hair dropping seductively across his forehead, to service her. As he approached, she reached out and stroked the long, hard cable that protruded from the den wall . . . " (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Steven Mnuchin for Depends: "When trickle-down becomes more than a theory." (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) *Anthony Weiner for Libby's Vienna Sausages:* "Hey, there's nothing wrong with sharing these!" (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *Rod Blagojevich for the Boy Scouts: "Always follow the Golden Rule. If you have something that's effing golden, then you don't give it away for effing nothing." (Jeff Hazle) *Charles Manson for Applebee's: "We treat you like family." (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) *Chris Christie for FEMA's hurricane preparedness program*: "Everybody (else) off the damn beach!" (John McCooey) *Dolly Parton for the Tata Nano: "Tiny car, full-sized cup holders." (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.) *Dick Cheney for Halliburton: "Get a piece of Iraq." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Donald Trump for Tic Tac: "Grab a handful today — and you'll feel you can do anything." (Seth Tucker, Washington) *J.K. Simmons for the NSA: "We know a thing or two because we've seen a thing or two." (Gary Crockett) *George Foreman for PETA: "Uh, sure. You can cook veggies on my grill." (John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.) *Fergie for Singer sewing machines:* "Only a true Singer can keep you in stitches — "Oh, oh say can you sew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew . . . " (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *George W. Bush for The Washington Post:* "Demography dies in darkery." (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Bill Cosby for Disney World: "Mickey makes it fun." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Donald Trump for Tampax:* "If you get as bothered as I do about what's coming from your wherever, grab yourself a box of these! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Jesus for Smith & Wesson: "Blessed are the peacemakers." (George Wright, Rockville, Md., who got his sole other blot of ink in 1998) *Logan Paul for Nike: "Just do it." (Matthew Zimmer, New York) *Lorena Bobbitt for Acme Trash Removal:* "We'll take away your junk!" (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Odetta for Colonoscopy Associates:* "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine . . . " (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Marion Barry for Coca-Cola:* "Stings go better with Coke." (Marcy Alvo, Annandale, Va.) *Melania Trump for Preparation H. "Believe me, nobody knows more about how uncomfortable it can be to live with an irritating ass." (Dave Airozo) *Bill Maher for Coca-Cola:* "Have a Coke and a smirk." (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) *Trump attorney Michael Cohen for Midas mufflers:* "When silence is worth it." (Seth Tucker) *Rosa Parks for the Porsche 944: "Who needs back seats anyhow?" (Rob Huffman) *Martin Luther for Post-it Big Pads: "No more unsightly nail holes in church doors." (Chris Doyle) *Wilt Chamberlain for Posturepedic mattresses:* "For a good night's — heh heh — sleep." (Rob Huffman) *Gene Weingarten for Men's Wearhouse:* "You're gonna lookthe way I look. " (John Kupiek, Fairfax, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, March 19: our contest for five-line poems. See wapo.st/invite1270 .* *DON'T MISS AN INVITE!* Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1272, published March 25, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1272: The hex files — think up creative curses Plus genuine alternative facts about the news media and publishing A modern-day curse: "May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached." (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Email the author Entertainment March 22 Email the author Follow @patmyersTWP //(Click here to skip down to the winning fake trivia about the media) *May you lose all your teeth except one, so you can still get a toothache.* — old Yiddish curse *May you be a contestant on "Jeopardy!" playing against my 7-year-old son and the only categories are Power Rangers, X-Men and fart noises.* — Jean Sorensen, Style Invitational Week 75, 1994 *May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.* — Thunder Dungeon *May your cookie always be slightly too large to fit inside your glass of milk. — Thunder Dungeon If you don't win, it's a shame -- but you might get this second prize. Telling someone to "go #$^& off" is so uncivilized and so unimaginative — not to mention that it's really hard to pronounce "#$^&." So, to the rescue, we're bringing back one of our oldest contests, prompted by a recent series of Facebook posts by the Toronto comedy team Thunder Dungeon, which were brought to our attention by Style Invitational Devotee Kathy Hughes: *This week: Come up with an imaginative curse,* as in the examples above from our 1994 contest and from one of the 18 Thunder Dungeon curses. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1272* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. And to celebrate the start of baseball season, we'll give second place an electronic chip-and-dip bowl in the shape of an outsize glove and ball*: Press a button and the top of the ball not only swings open to liberate the salsa, but also plays "Take Me Out to the Ball Game." The package guarantees it to be "great entertainment for your next party," so I'm sorry about your parties. See a video of the bowl in action at wapo.st/singing-bowl . Found by the Royal Consort in the recesses of an abandoned office. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 2; results published April 22 in print, April 19 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses the new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv ; this week E will share the results of our two previous curse contests. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HEADLYIN' NEWS: FAKE TRIVIA ABOUT THE MEDIA* **In Week 1268, as part of The Style Invitational's relentless crusade to unenlighten our readers with bogus trivia, we asked for fictoids about the news media and the publishing industry. Despite his obvious qualifications for this contest, the president of the United States failed to enter and therefore gets no ink. 4th place: *The scrolling ticker at the bottom of a newscast screen* is called a crawl because it originally required someone to wriggle across the studio dragging a hand-painted sign. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place: *The term "yellow journalism"* derives from the 19th-century tradition of newsboys urinating on stacks of their rivals' papers. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place /and the shirt that makes you look as if your torso has been sliced away : / *Communications major Baboon Blitzer* wisely opted to change his name. (Margaret L. Welsh, Oakton, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Jeff Bezos meant to buy only a single issue* of The Washington Post, but he didn't have any small bills on him at the time. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Ha off the presses: Honorable mentions *The German word for "break wind" is /Blog/. (Duncan Stevens) *A newspaper reporter signals that he's working a story by pulling his tie down to his shirt's second button. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Until he was forced to pick a name short enough for TV listings, Rupert Murdoch planned to call his U.S. cable channel Rabid Badger News. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) A reluctant Bloomsbury publishing house agreed to print the Harry Potter books only after J.K. Rowling's judicious use of the Imperius Curse. (Duncan Stevens) The real Alfred E. Neuman required treatment for anxiety disorder throughout his life. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *The Honolulu Star-Advertiser was created by the merger of the Hono Star and the Lulu Advertiser. (Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) In its LEED Gold-certified newsroom, the digital Washington Post uses 100 percent recycled pixels. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *The first "hostile work environment" lawsuit was filed in 1940 by female employees of the Daily Planet, who cited reporter Clark Kent's frequent comments about the color and condition of their underwear. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Katie Couric's colonoscopy* was faked in the same studio as the moon landing. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *A newspaper article's second paragraph is traditionally called the "nut graf," because it's where lunatics stop reading to start dictating angry rebuttals. (Lawrence McGuire) After producing his historic Bible,*Gutenberg gained much more financial success* with his next publication, a set of amusing prints of cats. (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) The HVAC system at NPR's new headquarters* is engineered to circulate a vaporized suffusion of Valium. (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) Had it not been for*Chet's last-second switch from "rock" to "scissors," many of us would have grown up watching the "The Brinkley-Huntley Report." (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) *The initial proposal for The Post's new slogan* was "In the dark, democracy trips over the sleeping cat of tyranny and bangs its shin painfully on the bedpost of complacency." (Gary Crockett) *Andy Rooney's career only took off once he started* getting eyebrow extensions. (Andy Gefen, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) *Contrary to what is depicted in "The Post,"* the sandwiches Mrs. Bradlee served the reporters going through the boxes of Pentagon Papers contained cucumber and watercress, /not/ ham and cheese! Washington hostesses still had standards back then. — Judith "Miss Manners" Martin (Steve Honley, Washington) *Donald Trump's first paying job was as a paperboy delivering Pravda. (Jeff Shirley) *From 1973 to 1978, the Pulitzer Prizes* were made of fabric in bright floral prints . (Noah Meyerson, Washington) Garry Cleveland Myers, the creator of "Goofus and Gallant" in Highlights for Children, was a family friend of both Fred Trump and Robert Mueller Sr. (Randy Lee) *News scribes in ancient Mesopotamia* structured their articles in the inverted-ziggurat format . (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Fox News runs so many ads for catheters because, after housing and autos, urinary supplies are the third-largest segment of the U.S. economy. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) In the 18th century, "national public town criers"* relied on contributions from their listeners and offered burlap bags as "thank-you gifts." (Gary Crockett) Before achieving fame as a broadcaster, a young, studly Walter Cronkite *was known to friends as "The Most Trysted Man in America." (Jeff Shirley) *Ralph Nader unsuccessfully sued the producers of "60 Minutes" under truth-in-advertising laws, demanding that the show change its name to "46 Minutes." (Seth Tucker, Washington) *Connie Chung turned down an offer* from NBC News when executives insisted on pronouncing her name "Chang" because it sounded "cleaner." (Joshua Rokach, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) *The Reuters wire service was unable to operate in Germany until 1881 because umlauts couldn't be transmitted in Morse code. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *The copyright trial between the National Journal of Actuarial Science and the American Actuarial Society Journal had to be postponed when all 12 jurors fell asleep. (Mark Raffman) Despite its accuracy, The Style Invitational's constant reportage* about my diet and sexual habits borders on cruel. — Your Mama (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday, March 26: our contest for neologisms including a D, O, Y, L and E. See wapo.st/invite1271. *DON'T MISS AN INVITE!* Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1273, published April 1, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1273: Come to our aid(e) — restocking the Cabinet Tell us who (or what!) would be a better hire in a federal job; plus winning 'bank heads' He'd probably give a better "60 Minutes" interview, too. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post, with apologies to Matt Groening and "The Simpsons" ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Email the author Entertainment March 29 Email the author Follow @patmyersTWP //(Click here to skip down to this week's winning bank headlines) *Bart Simpson for secretary of education: He's had 28 years of public school experience, including much time with school boards. If you saw the alleged presidential magazine-spanker give a more articulate and persuasive account of herself on "60 Minutes" last Sunday than Education Secretary Betsy DeVos did two weeks earlier, it might have occurred to you that, just maybe, not every government position has been filled with the very best and very brightest the nation has to offer. Which brings us to this week's contest, suggested to the Empress by 12-time Loser Chris Damm: Explain why a particular person — or thing — ought to fill a Cabinet post or other U.S. government position,* either a real one or a job you think up. This is somewhat like our contest from 2008 — posted shortly after Sarah Palin was named to the GOP ticket — in which we posted a list of random items (e.g., a moss-covered rock, Krusty the Clown, tapioca pudding) and asked why any of them would be qualified to be president of the United States. This time, though, you get to choose the position as well as who might fill it. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1273* (all lowercase). If raw fish is too gross for you, you could win some fake raw human body parts. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of Body Parts Sushi Gummy Candy,* which is exactly that: gummy candy fashioned to look very much like pieces of sushi — little pads of "rice" wrapped with strips of "nori," except that instead of a little piece of tuna or eel on top, it's an eyeball, nose, bloody ear, fingertip, etc. Includes chopsticks! Donated by Loser Daphne Steinberg, who's had it lying around for years. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 9; results published April 29 in print, April 26 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses the new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv ; this week the E looks back on our 2008 contest for presidential candidates and tickets. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HAR HEADS: THE WINNING BANK HEADLINES FROM WEEK 1269* In Week 1269, our perennial Mess With Our Heads contest, we asked you to find a current headline in The Post or elsewhere and reinterpret it by adding a bank head, or subtitle. 4th place: *Has someone hacked your webcam? /Because you look pretty funny reading this in your underwear right now /(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) 3rd place: *Mueller evidence appears to contradict Prince statement* /Investigators found at least 1 thing that compares 2 U /(Frank Mann, Washington) 2nd place /and the winner of 'How to Know When You're Dating a Loser' :/ *D.C.-area forecast: Some wet snowflakes possible today* /Pipe bursts in Washington Post newsroom/ (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Luckily for world, Trump's no Xi* /Miss Rome says he is "at most a VII"/ (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Snubtitles: Honorable mentions *Lawmaker drops bid for Bowser to testify* /Senator denied use of his dog as his only positive character witness /(Margaret Welsh, Oakton, Va.) *Pill may be able to mimic the effects of exercise /Trial subjects report blisters, tennis elbow after watching TV /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *2-year-old girl meets Obama: 'She's a queen' /Betsy DeVos slams 'failed liberal' preschools /(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Using the Courts to Destroy Unions* /National Divorce Lawyers Association announces new motto/ (Steve Honley, Washington) *The jobs U.S. workers won't take /First lady tops the list/ (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.; Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *Title hopes dashed /Redskins hold first preseason practice /(Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) *High heels are the worst, and women are finally ditching them* /'That jerk was always stoned,' says ex-girlfriend /(Frank Mann) *Rear seat retains repute as safest part of car, but not for adults, older teens* S/tudy points to increased pregnancy rate /(Tom Logan, Sterling, Va., who last got Invite ink 24 years ago) *Surfer who fought off a shark will retire* /Wants to spend more time fighting off his family/ (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *What's New in Hip and Knee Replacement?* /Mostly just hip and knee /(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Four-Hand Piano Concert* /Sellout expected for guest artist from Mars /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Md. court reverses database 'mistake'* /Transcriber didn't know that locals pronounce 'Baltimore' and 'bomber' identically/ (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *Car giveaway fills the church and hearts: 'God is amazing'* /Oprah shows why presidency would be demotion/ (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Rings for 1987 players* /NFL adopts its own version of 'participation trophy/' (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Valentino's gowns will take your breath away* /Whalebone corsets show up again on Milan runways /(John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.; John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.; David Peckarsky, Tucson) *Tangled, Timeless Visions of the South* /Brazilian Waxes Losing Popularity /(Danielle Nowlin) *Harvey Schmidt: Composed longest-running musical in history* /17-hour slog tested audience's patience /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Interior Department forces out assistant who frequently shared falsehoods about Obama, Clinton and minorities /'Frequent' not good enough, administration declares /(Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Don't replace . . . reface! /Taking surgeon friend's advice, president decides to stick with 47-year-old Melania, on one condition/ (Steve Honley) *Late-game execution is the difference* /Punishment seems awfully strict for a traveling call, says Wizards coach, but a win's a win . . . /(Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) *Nats may call on Montero to back up behind plate /Rookie catcher keeps crouching in front of batters /(Jeff Shirley) *Robber on bicycle struck four times this year, police say* /'I told him to watch out for traffic while stealing purses,' mother says /(Matthew Zimmer, New York) *Tree at Mount Vernon, linked to George Washington, felled in storm /C'mon, George, don't lie — we know it was you /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) S*he was beautiful /and /salty* /Lot's wife fondly remembered/ (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *The $560 million secret behind this winning Powerball ticket* /'I picked the right numbers,' area woman reveals /(Alan Duxbury, Carlisle, Pa., a First Offender) *Drawn by decay /White House tourist lines stretch for blocks /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Color pairings that should be hideous are, somehow, exquisite* /Fashion shows are SO much better on acid /(Gary Crockett) *The end of two-wing parties* /Host promises to triple KFC order for next Super Bowl fete /(Mark Raffman) *Where Might Trump and Kim Jong-un Meet? Here Are Some Possibilities* /Mordor's Mount Doom, Dante's Ninth Circle of Hell top list /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Why do we understand so little about breast feeding?* /Primary consumers too young to share their thoughts/ (Rob Wolf) *Why I could no longer serve the president /"I just couldn't keep putting ketchup on his steak!" laments agonized waiter /(Steve Honley) *Chances of contempt for Bannon fade in GOP probe* /Compared with other probees, 'we just like the big lunk,' Ryan says /(Ann Martin, College Park, Md.; Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring, Md.) *Re-creating a volcanic eruption — indoors /The easy way to do a colonoscopy prep /(Mae Scanlan, Washington) *Hicks to step down as communications director* /Cletus and Jethro Jenkins shared WH job, will return to selling moonshine /(Elden Carnahan) *Feeling low is depressingly common in U.S*. Below-the-belt groping incidents increasing, study finds (Chris Doyle) *'I wonder: Am I wanted?'* Fugitives can't resist looking for their portraits on post office walls (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) /And Last: / Mess With Our Heads* /Lettuce isn't just for salad anymore — try these new recipes/ (Matthew Zimmer) *Still running — deadline Monday night, April 2: Our contest for creative curses. Seewapo.st/invite1272. *DON'T MISS AN INVITE!* Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1274, published April 8, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1274: Heading for a foal — our famed horse name contest 'Breed' any 2 names on our list and name the foal; plus 5 x 5 poems for our 25th birthday(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Email the author Entertainment April 5 Email the author // (Click here to skip down to the winning 5x5 poems) *Walk in the Sun x Last Bad Habit = Walk in the Sin* *Mr. President x Clever Mind = Never Mind* *Choo Choo x Wisely = Train of Thought* *Gold Town x Telekinesis = Mine Over Matter* Once again, it's Post Time: It's the 24th annual Style Invitational foal-naming contest, which if history is a guide will be our most popular of the year. The Empress usually ends up looking at about 4,000 entries, some from people who've been entering this contest (and only this contest) every year since 1995. At the bottom of this page is a list of 100 of the 360 horses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races, the Kentucky Derby, Preakness and Belmont; your job is to "breed" any two names and name the "foal" to reflect both names,* as in the examples above. (It matters not to us that all 100 horses are male, and at least one is a gelding.) As in actual thoroughbred racing, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but one or more of the characters may be punctuation marks or numerals. You may run words together to stay within the length limit, but the name should be easy to read. Make sure you (A) spell the original horse names correctly in your entry, and (B) use the "Name A x Name B = Foal Name" format as shown in the examples,* so that the thousands of entries will be properly sorted and the Empress will have a chance of preserving some small fraction of her sanity. As always, you may send as many as 25 entries. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1274* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the Farting Bubble Blaster,* a large squirt gun you arm with a canister of cherry-scented bubble fluid: "Sounds like farts — smells much better." Plus battery-powered "FFRRRPT!" sounds. Not included but evidently for sale: bubble fluid that actually smells like farts. Donated by Loser Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 16; results published on Kentucky Derby weekend: May 6 in print, May 3 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "The Muse at 5" is by Chris Doyle; Chris and Jesse Frankovich both suggested the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column — published late Thursday afternoon, April 5 — discusses the new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter, visit wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *THE MUSE AT 5: WINNING 5x5 POEMS FOR OUR 25th* In Week 1270* we celebrated the Invite's 25th anniversary with a "5x5" poetry contest for any of three forms: 5 lines of 5 syllables each; 5 lines of 5 words; or 5 lines of iambic pentameter (ba-DUM five times over). We let hyphenated compounds count as either one or two words. 4th place: /5 lines x 5 words: /Dotard tweets his morning whine: "Tillerson has crossed the line. Calling me a moron? Fine. But saying Putin poisoned Skripal? That's it for me, pal." (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) 3rd place: /5 lines of iambic pentameter:/ Shall I compare thee to a lump of clay? Thou are more agile (well, perhaps a bit); Thou sleepest all the night and half the day; When thieves break in, thou carest not a whit. I love thee, dog, so I put up with it. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2nd place and the poop emoji pillow and slippers; /5 lines x 5 syllables/ Some anagram fun: "I've beaten the draft," Said Donald. "It's done." The elder Trump laughed, "BONE SPURS? SUPERB, SON!" (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Like socks need shoes, like gangsters seek out banks, As forks want knives, or sick folk need a nostrum, A weakling dreams of watching troops in ranks, Parading while he preens atop a rostrum, But should that happen here? We've said, "No tanks." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Nein to fives: Honorable mentions *5 SYLLABLES x 5 LINES* /The Upside of Unsuccessful Negotiations With North Korea/ * If tête-à -têtes* fail And Doomsday draws nigh With nuclear hail, We're free to eat pie And throw out the kale. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Trump deals* fearlessly With the NRA To guarantee that We'll #neveragain Until the next time. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Overpaid teachers Who get summers off, Such loathsome creatures, Just pigs at the trough . . . Taught you to read this. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md., an elementary school teacher) *What would* Jesus say? Mike Pence must wonder, Saying his prayers The end of each day: "At least Trump's not gay"? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *5 WORDS x 5* ** Initially happy* to score me, Endeavoring now to ignore me, He paid me a sum To stay quiet, the bum. Beyond merely angry, I'm Stormy! (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *At the NBA's* big game, Fergie, without fear or shame, Heaped derision on her name. Her jazzed-up, breathy fare : A bomb, bursting in air. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *The Washington Redskins name's offensive, Rude, repugnant and rancor-intensive, Reminding us of something disgraceful. Get a moniker less distasteful: Call them the Mid-Atlantic Redskins. (Connie Dobbins Akers, Radford, Va., a First Offender) *Czech snowboarder bombs the gates, Wins gold in skiing ! Celebrates! Next time, donning figure skates? Here's hoping that Ester Ledecka Pulls off an Olympic trifecka. (Duncan Stevens) *Pruitt wants a soundproof chamber, Carson wants a dining set, Shulkin wants free family travel, Mnuchin wants a private jet . . . Are we draining swampland yet? (Nan Reiner) *IAMBIC PENTAMETER x 5: *Trump's lawyer swore she'd leave there on a gurney When he took Stormy Daniels's deposition, This wouldn't be some civil kid-glove tourney: "Ma'am, you're a porn star by your own admission." She said, "Yeah, so? You're Donald Trump's attorney." (Frank Osen) *The sad New York mortician, with a curse, Complained his auto's knocks "do not sound good." The car technician looked beneath the hood: And said, "Alas, the news could not be worse: To get to Broadway, sir, you must re-hearse." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *"Good morning,* Special Counsel's Office. How May we be of assistance to you now?" "Ms. Daniels? Two o'clock. We'll see you — ciao!" "Rex Tillerson? Hi, welcome to the fold." "Who's this? Mr. McCabe, could you please hold? . . . " (Nan Reiner) I readily confess that I'm a glutton; For me, a morning snack's a leg of mutton. Oh, bloody hell! There goes another button. Although they say that thin is sexier, I'll never die from anorexia. (Brian Allgar, Paris) If you were talented as Tennyson And drank ambrosia by the liter, son, You couldn't match the farce and menace in The tale of fictive Peggy Peterson And fake, fake President, David Dennison. (Frank Osen) /And Last: / *One score and five* momentous years ago 'Twas not forefathers but a Czar who so Inveigled us to write his jokes for free And rack our brains for humor with no fee. To celebrate this? Better you than me. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) [This poem had originally begun "Two score" until reader Francis O'Donnell wrote in to point it out. We're glad /someone's /keeping score.] //Still running — deadline Monday night, April 9: Our contest to tell us who (or what) would be better for various federal jobs. See *wapo.st/invite1273 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE!* Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. -------------- *THE 2018 STUD FARM* These 100 horses listed below were drawn from a list of this year's 360 Triple Crown nominees published by Churchill Downs; "breed" any two and name the foal for Week 1274, above. Submit entries at *wapo.st/enter-invite-1274 .* *But first:* Do the Empress — and yourself — a favor and . . . "— Don't "breed" two names and use a third name from the list for the "foal."* People do this every year and never get ink because it's just too easy to do. And just two horses at a time, please. (We're just romantic that way.) "— Don't number your list of entries.* Numbers at the beginning of a line will give fits to our name-sorting system. You'll have to count to 25 on your 25 fingers. "— Type each entry on a single line.* This is essential. If you have the parents' name on one line and the foal on another, little Junior is going to get lost from Mom and Dad when we do The Big Sort. Remember, use this format: Horse A x Horse B = Foal Name* "— Observe the 18-character limit,* including spaces and punctuation marks. In other Invite contests, the Empress has occasionally given ink to an entry that didn't technically fit the rules, if it was especially clever or funny. But there's no give on the letter limit on horse names — it's part of the challenge. *Ali* *Alpha to Omega* *Ark in the Dark* *Arrival* *Audible* *Ax Man* *B On Time* *Bail Out* *Beautiful Shot* *Biblical* *Big Brown Bear* *Blame the Rider* *Bolt d'Oro* *Bravazo* *Bugle Notes* *Call a Cop* *Candygram* *Catholic Boy* *Chaps* *Choo Choo* *Clever Mind* *Combatant* *Dawood* *Demolition* *Deputy Czar* *Dream Friend* *Dunk* *Enjoy the Journey* *Enticed* *Evaluator* *Exclamation Point* *Explorer* *Family Kitten* *Firenze Fire* *Flameaway* *For Him* *Gold Town* *Good Magic* *Gotta Go* *Gronkowski* *Heck Yeah* *Hollywood Star* *Ike* *Justify* *Last Bad Habit* *Locomotion* *Lone Sailor* *Machismo* *Magnum Moon* *Maraud* *Masked* *Mendelssohn* *Mississippi* *Most Amusing* *Mr. President* *Mt. Rushmore* *My Boy Jack* *My Dream* *Nero* *Noble Indy* *Numero Thirteen* *Old Time Revival* *One More Tom* *Peppered* *Personal Time* *Pony Up* *Private Eye* *Promises Fulfilled* *Quip* *Replicator* *Reride* *Retirement Fund* *Rucksack* *Runaway Ghost* *Scrapper* *Seven Trumpets* *Silver Hammer* *Slot* *Snapper Sinclair* * *Solomini* *Somebody* *Sporting Chance* *Still Having Fun* *Strike Power* *Talent Scout* *Talon* *Tattooed* *Telekinesis* *Tenfold* *The Money Dance* *Times Square* *Tiz Our Turn* *Tough Times* *Tres Equis* *Vouch* *Walk in the Sun* *Wisely* *World of Trouble* *Yee Haw* *Zing Zang* Source:Churchill Downs ====================================================================== WEEK 1275, published April 15, 2018 Week 1275: That Is the Question — playing with Shakespeare *Fair is foul, and foul is fair.* /(Macbeth, Act I, Scene 1)/ /How does the umpiring work when the Nationals hold Backwards Day?/ *"What bloody man is that?"* /(Macbeth, Act II, Scene 2) / / What did Prince Charles say when he was introduced to Donald Trump?/ // It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.* /(Macbeth, Act V, Scene 5)/ /Hey, what did you think of "The Emoji Movie"?/ This week, at the suggestion of Obsessive Loser Duncan Stevens, we offer a new take on our perennial Questionable Journalism contest. This time, instead of having you comb through newspaper stories, we'll send you to a hoitytoitier source. This week: Choose a line from Shakespeare (or a significant part of a line) and pair it with a question that the line could humorously answer, as in Duncan's examples above. You can find the whole oeuvre of plays and poems at OpenSourceShakespeare.org*. Please cite the play or poem you're using. Kathleen Delano, who's active in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook, models this week's second prize at a recent Loser brunch.(Dave Prevar) Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1275* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this very cool, puffy dragon hat (species of dragon unknown) of shiny fabric, donated by Loser Dave Prevar and modeled here by Style Invitational Devotee Kathleen Delano. The Empress is envious, but will stick for now with her array of tiaras. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 23; results published May 13 (online May 10). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was submitted by both Jon Gearhart and Jesse Frankovich; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday, April 12, discusses the new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter this week, visit wapo.st/styleconv. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *Art of the DOYLE: Neologisms from Week 1271* **In Week 1271 we celebrated the 2,000th blot of Invite ink won by Biggest Loser Ever Chris Doyle, with a neologism contest; the new terms had to have a D, an O, a Y, an L and an E. 4th place: *Delay-O-Matic:* A device built into most hands-free faucets. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) 3rd place: *Tirade policy:* The Art of the Tantrum approach to exports and imports. Also known as "spittle diplomacy." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the "Irish drinking cap": *Oldyssey:* The epic journey that follows forgetting where you parked your car. "Buying the shoes took 10 minutes, but the oldyssey added an hour and a half." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Doodeyful:* Faithfully willing to lie for your boss. "Spicer doodeyfully proclaimed the inauguration crowd the biggest ever." (Brian Collins, Olney, Md.) F-O-Y-L-E-D again! Honorable mentions *Stormy denials: A tweetstorm from the White House. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) [Sure, we let him enter this contest. Why not?] *Deweyblooper: A bungled announcement. "Warren and Faye's Oscar deweyblooper got them invited right back the next year, just to see if they'd do it again." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *YOLO bride:* Someone whose parents have deep pockets and one daughter. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *Little Lord Fondleroy:* You Know Who's nickname on the pageant circuit. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Motherly load:* A take-home "gift" to a visiting child: "That box is Grandma's dishes, and you know she'd want to keep them in the family. And I bought you new socks . . . Wait, take the leftovers — you're thin as a rail . . ." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *REMployed: "Working" the night shift. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Voldemortify: To humiliate Death Eaters in public. "The Parkland students continue to voldemortify the NRA." (Ann Martin, College Park, Md.) *Beige Floyd: "We don't need any education . . ." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Deli-goy:* The guy who orders pastrami on white bread with mayo. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Below-dryer: To Marilyn Monroe,a subway grate . (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Deplomacy:* The fine art of damaging international relations. "Believe me, our foreign policy will put a yuge emphasis on deplomacy!" (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *DiploMEcy: [See above.] (Warren Tanabe) *Bunemployed: On maternity leave. (Duncan Stevens) *Cloglodyte: A houseguest who manages to stop up the shower drain in the space of a weekend visit. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Fly a la mode:* Regular (if unintended) dessert at the Screen Door Diner. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Formaldejekyll:* An environmentally friendly preservative. (Gary Crockett) *Greed-only memory:* What Martin Shkreli had installed in his laptop. (Chris Doyle) *Lay-bored: Thinking of England. (Duncan Stevens) *Lead yo-yo:* Something that goes down but never comes back up again. Like a submarine made from old colanders, or presidential approval ratings. (Daniel Galef, Montclair, N.J.) *Kleptodactyl:*A prehistoric bird with sticky talons. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Loyaled up:* Brought all your favorite people to Crony Island. (Danielle Nowlin) *Mellow-yellowed: Condition of teeth exposed to a lifetime of marijuana smoking. (Mark Raffman) *Toyled: Worked all night at Santa's workshop. (Jane Pacelli, Annandale, Va.) *Molar derby:* A hockey game. (Kevin Dopart) *"Oy! Delaware":* That time you realized you left the EZ Pass transponder at home. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) *Phonytailed: Sporting artificial locks. "Given that her hair was in a bob two weeks ago, it's clear that she was phonytailed down to her waist at the party last night." (Tom Witte) *Smelody:* A tune Dad plays after dinner on Taco Tuesdays. And on Spam Sundays it's a*Hormelody.* (Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart) **Gobbeldygood: Finger-lickin' delicious! (Beverley Sharp) *Supercalifragilisticexpialidociously:* In a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious manner, duh. (Jesse Frankovich) *Pseudoroyalty*: Mediocre people with such delusions of self-importance that they give themselves Russian monarchical titles, wear tiaras, etc. (Jesse Frankovich) *Doylies:* Amazingly crafted creations on newsprint, decorated with 2,000 blots of ink. (Duncan Stevens) /And last: / Condoylences: "Sorry, but I had to give the win to this guy who's just way more funny and clever than you are. For the 57th time. Best, The Empress." (Frank Osen) *Still running — deadline Monday night, April 16: our famous horse name "breeding" contest. See wapo.st/invite1274 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE!* Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1276, published April 22, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1276: What 4 — a limerick contest Plus winners of our contest for creative curses (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Email the author Entertainment April 19 Email the author Follow @patmyersTWP // (Click here to skip down to the inking curses.) *Obamian health care is dead.* *No prostitutes peed on a bed.* *There was no collusion,* *Trump's invented cold fusion! * (Well, that's what the president said.)* *— Well, that's what the president said.* *— If only I'd listened to Mother (or Mom).* *— But now I have found fifty-one.* Win second place and you can get this Si from the SI. *— A strategically placed Oxford comma.* *— Somebody please take me home.* *— I just like to do things in style.* *— And they never saw (him/her/name) again.* Today's contest was suggested by John "Ed" Edwards of the Style Invitational Southwest London Suburbs Bureau. John/Ed didn't feel like waiting for our annual Limerixicon contest in August, so he suggested something to tide us over: This week: Write a limerick using one of the above lines as Line 5,* as in the example above by Gene "Not John OR Ed" Weingarten of Washington. See wapo.st/limericks2017 for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell: "perfect" rhyme, and a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm in Lines 1, 2 and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; plus "weak" syllables on either side)."‚ Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1276* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine Chia Uncle Si,* a "decorative planter" in the shape of "Duck Dynasty's" long-bearded Si Robertson; you rub the seeds on the little Uncle and he's supposed to get some bushy green facial foliage. We're thinking that with a name like "SI," he ought to be the Style Invitational's official beardmaker. Donated by Loser Pie Snelson. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 30; results published May 20 (online May 23). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was submitted by Jon Gearhart; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column isn't so weekly this week; it'll be back next Thursday. You can reach her at pat.myers@washpost.com or in the Facebook group. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HAR FOR THE CURSE: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1272* In Week 1272* we asked for updated curses in the Yiddish tradition. Sent by a host of Losers among the thousands of entries: May you get the middle seat between two sumo wrestlers. And may you get to be the next presidential press secretary. Clever but too death-wishy: "May you confuse your liquid antacid with your liquid ant acid." No ink for you, Ellen Raphaeli. 4th place: As you travel through barren wilderness, may you find an oasis, only to discover that it is the Sbarro at the Joyce Kilmer Service Plaza at 3 a.m. (Noah Meyerson, Washington) 3rd place May you and your HOA disagree about the definition of "taupe." (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) 2nd place /and theelectric baseball-mitt chip-and-dip bowl: /May you forever see those three little dots indicating that someone is typing but never get a message. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: May Hillary Clinton hear about your problems and think, "Wow, I'm glad nothing that frustrating has ever happened to me!" (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Dry spells: Honorable mentions May you on some enchanted evening see a stranger across a crowded room, and somehow you know, you know even then, they're here to serve you a subpoena. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) May your new parrot be the former pet of Anthony Scaramucci. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) May President Trump insist that you're doing a fabulous job. (Roy Ashley, Washington) May you always find an error in your sudoku when you are two boxes from completion. (Steve Brevig, Springfield, Va.) May you be coming out of the strip club just as the Google Street View car goes by. (David Young, Falmouth, Mass., a First Offender) May you get trapped in a gondola at a ski resort and have to share body heat to survive and the only other passenger is Harvey Weinstein. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) May you never figure out where that beeping's coming from. (Daniel Galef, Montclair, N.J.) May you scratch your phone screen just enough for it to be annoying, but not enough to justify replacing it. (Matthew Zimmer, New York) May your bare foot always find the Lego. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) May your dentist be behind in paying his gambling debts to the mob. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) May your family always use air quotes when describing your profession (e.g., "Our son Johnny, the 'writer' " . . . ). (Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington) On that special first date, may the waiter return and ask if you have a different credit card. (David Young) May the TSA bomb-sniffing dog be especially interested in the suitcase your cat curled up in right before you left for the airport. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) May your mama hear all those nasty things you have been saying about other people's mamas. (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) May your dog develop commitment issues. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) May Trump's lawyer use your name as a pseudonym in his next non-disclosure agreement. (Frank Osen) May all your Amazon purchases be ineligible for Prime shipping. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) May each of your days be better than the next. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) May that girl you loved all through high school get you fired as principal, you perv. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) May the only seats left at your movie theater be in the front row, on the far side. (Matthew Zimmer) May the only thing you have to read during your filibuster speech be Sean Penn's novel (actual excerpt: "Behind decorative gabion walls, an elderly neighbour sits centurion on his porch watching Bob with surreptitious soupçon"). (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) May the paths of your life run as straight and true as the outlines of Maryland's congressional districts. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) May you always have spinach in your teeth — and teeth in your spinach. (Liv Johansson, Alexandria, Va.) May you be cuckolded before your very eyes. Unless you're into that sort of thing. (Tom Witte) May Taylor Swift write a song about you. (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.; Kevin Dopart, Washington) May you finally get "Let It Go" out of your head by replacing it with "It's a Small World." (Jesse Frankovich) May you go bald during your vacation in Mexico, to find that the only available head covering is a "Make America Great Again" hat. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) May you take a long car trip and find that every single public radio station on your route is having a pledge drive. (John Kupiec, Fairfax, Va.) May your child finally win a first-place trophy — in the condom-snorting challenge. (Nan Reiner) May your health plan provide only thoughts and prayers. (Frank Mann, Washington) May your inner monologue take place in Roseanne Barr's voice. (Mark Calandra, Sudbury, Mass.) May your new in-laws show up at the wedding reception with matching ankle monitors. (Jeff Shirley) May your TV broadcast only the disclaimers from prescription drug commercials. (Jim Sullins, Ahoskie, N.C., a First Offender May the Empress mistake your sincere declaration of love for her as a funny entry and print it. (Tom Witte) *And Last: May you get just barely enough Style Invitational ink to keep you entering. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md., who has won between one and three blots of ink for 15 of the past 16 years) *Still running — deadline Monday night, April 23: our contest to choose a line from Shakespeare and pair it with a question that the line could answer. See wapo.st/invite1275 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE!* Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1277, published April 29, 2018 Week 1277: Come into Beeing — a new word contest Plus: The Losers' winning nominations for government posts (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Email the author Entertainment April 26 at 9:57 AM Email the author // (Click here to skip down to the winning ideas for Cabinet replacements) *UBATRIE --> Burbitate: To yield to the instinctive pull outside the city upon becoming parents. *UBATRIE --> Truebut:* Someone who'll never concede the point. *UBATRIE --> Rubaitat:* An Omar Kháyyam poem inscribed on your arm. In February we ran another neologism contest based on the ScrabbleGrams word game. This week, at the suggestion of Loser Alex Blackwood, we rip off honor a similar but significantly different game: It's called Spelling Bee, and it's one of the "variety puzzles" in the Sunday New York Times. Every week in Spelling Bee — soon to become adaily feature online, according to Eric von Coelln, the NYT's puzzle director — constructor Frank Longo presents six letters of the alphabet arranged in a circle, daisy-style, around a seventh letter. The goal is to list as many real words as you can that include that central letter plus /any / of the other six, used as often as you want in the word. And that last aspect is the nut of this week's contest: From any of the 15 Spelling Bee letter sets listed below, coin a new term of one or two words and define it humorously, as in Alex's examples above. You may also supply an especially clever or funny definition of a real term.* *WMALTER* *PHANETY* *LABGENT* *KETICYR* *UBATRIE* *ROXTANE* *RONTCUD* *FOUTHGL* *PTACKRO* *FINESTY* *CHELOAN* *HEMNPUT* *FINCOUT* *CYMENGR* *RUGTAYI* Loser Frank Yuen models this week's second prize. Frank wanted to title this photo "Crustasian." (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) Here are the rules we'll use (we're ignoring the central-letter requirement of the real game): *— The word or compound-word term must be at least five letters long. *— You may use as few of the letters in a set as you like.* — You may not use any letters that aren't in the set (hyphens are okay).* *— You may use any letter in the set as often as you like. So you might come up with a word that's, say, eight letters long but use only three letters in the set. As always, you may submit up to 25 entries total; the Empress doesn't care if you find 25 words from a single set or you use all 15. *— Please begin /every/ entry with the letter set you're using, on the same line as your word and definition. This lets the Empress sort the entries. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1277* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a red felt beanie with a merry felt crab waving at you on top of it. Modeled here by Loser and incorrigible punster Frank Yuen, who was visiting from New York and joined a group of Losers and Style Invitational Devotees for lunch, where he posed in the crab hat in the middle of the restaurant. Frank suggested that his portrait be titled "Crustasian." Um, no. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, May 7; results published May 27 (online May 23). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Dave Prevar; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *FOOLLY STAFFED: OUR CABINET NOMINEES FROM WEEK 1273 *In Week 1273 we asked your suggestions for who (or what!) should fill various Cabinet and other federal posts. Submitted by too many: Michelle Duggar for secretary of labor,* David Petraeus for Veterans Affairs,* Moses for chief of staff (he could make his staff work wonders) and Vladi­mir Putin for election commissioner, secretary of state — or president, since he's been in charge already. 4th place: *Sean Spicer* should run the Census Bureau — it will be so exciting to have 4 billion people in this country. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: *Mrs. Ben Carson* as secretary of transportation, as she's an expert on the undersides of buses. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) 2nd place /and the Body Parts Sushi gummy candy :/ *Daniel Snyder* to head the Bureau of Indian Affairs: Him very qualified paleface. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: As he knows the score on what happens in Russian hotel rooms, *Christopher Steele can run the Pee Score — What? You spell it how? Never mind. — E. Litella (Duncan Stevens) Reductions in farce: Honorable mentions Metro chief*Paul Wiedefeld for the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. He would improve the safety of our roads by letting one car onto them every 20 minutes. (Duncan Stevens) *Bryce Harper for head of both NOAA and NASA: The man knows how to go deep /and/ launch them into orbit. (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) *Hunter S. Thompson* for director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives: Okay, he's dead, but look at the level of experience in all four departments. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Anthony Scaramucci* for chairman of the President's Council on Physical Fitness: He's suggested some very interesting flexibility exercises. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Moses* would make a good ambassador to China — no one else can handle the Red C the way he can. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *April the Giraffe* should be labor secretary because she could be expected to stay in the position for a long, long time. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) *Eric and Donald Trump Jr.* to run the Fish and Wildlife Service: Who better to rid the country of the animals destroying our national parks and waterways? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) To head the Council of Economic Advisers, I nominate my Aunt Ruby,* who never once failed to make a mountain out of a molehill. I mean, that's pretty economical. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Joan of Arc* for press secretary. She is already used to the working environment. (Ken Rosenau, Bellingham, Wash.) *LeBron James* for secretary of transportation because he's always traveling. (Roy Ashley, Washington) For head of NOAA:*Noah!* After all, he's been around for a long time and knows a thing or two about rising sea levels. (Alison Thompson, Sudbury, Mass., a First Offender) *Rosie Ruiz* for Head Start director: Because this time, maybe she can make it work. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Scott Pruitt* for HUD secretary: Because who knows more abouthigh-quality, low-cost housing? (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.; Frank Mann, Washington) *Gumby* to head EPA: He's eco-friendly green for liberals; he's made from petrochemicals for conservatives; and being small and flexible, he could fit in any lobbyist's pocket — so no need for a condo! (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Superman* for Homeland Security: Who better to protect our borders than someone who stands for truth, justice and the American way! Wait, he's an undocumented alien? (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *The Skipper from "Gilligan's Island" for secretary of education: Has firsthand knowledge of just how wrong a charter can go. (Steven Honley, Washington) *Vanilla Ice as the lone ranger of the Department of Justice: It would be . . . Just Ice. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) *Vladi­mir Lenin for secretary of state: He's been lying in it for 94 years. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Wile E. Coyote for secretary of transportation — because $3 trillion buys a /lot /of bridges and tunnels if you're building them with a paintbrush . (David Patch, Toledo; Frank Mann) *Stormy Daniels* for secretary of education: Not only did she star in "Teacher's Pet," but she has worked under Trump before. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Despite their current legal battles, Stormy Daniels* would make a great secretary of energy for President Trump. She'd be quite the expert on strip mining and, um, fracking. (Hildy Zampella) *Donald Trump* for speaker of the House, seeing as he's already a woofer and a tweeter. (Duncan Stevens) *Yosemite Sam as national security adviser. As with John Bolton, his favorite phrase is "This means war!" Also, he has a better mustache . (William Pifer-Foote, Leesport, Pa., who last got Invite ink almost 18 years ago) *Still running — deadline Monday, April 30: our limerick contest. See wapo.st/invite1276 . DON'T MISS AN INVITE!* Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1278, published May 6, 2018 Week 1278: Colt following For Kentucky Derby weekend, 'breed' any two of this week's inking horse names Shouldn't they wait to, you know, get started on a career? Do a little traveling? Nope, sorry: It's our 13th annual "grandfoal" contest. This week: "Breed" any two of the 68 foal names that got ink this week, and name the offspring to reflect both parents' names, in the style of today's inking entries.* As always, the names may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but one or more characters may be numerals, punctuation marks or other symbols. You may run words together, as in some of this week's results, but the name still should be easy to read. *Use the format "Name A x Name B = Grandfoal Name" (on one line per entry),* and make sure you spell the "parents' '' names as they're spelled on this page. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1278* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives*"Lullaby Renditions of Johnny Cash," * a CD performed by Andrew Bissell. "Your little boy named Sue (or girl!) will be fast asleep in no time," the cover promises. Fortunately the songs are instrumental, since it'd be, well, different to coo to a baby, "I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die," or "I fell into a burning ring of fire." (Both those songs are on the CD.) *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, May 14; results published June 3 (online May 31). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *BRED WINNERS: THE 'FOALS' OF WEEK 1274* **Whoa, what a field — some 4,300 foal names from Week 1274* , our annual contest in which you "breed" two of the year's Triple Crown nominees. See this week's Style Conversational for funny but too-often-entered names (plus explanations of the trickier entries) and then get started on this week's "grandfoals." 4th place: *Nero x Demolition = Rex (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) 3rd place: *Alpha to Omega x Ax Man = LambdaTheSlaughter* (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) 2nd place /and the Farting Bubble Blaster squirt gun:/ *Mt. Rushmore x Private Eye = Secret Dakota Ring* (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *B on Time x Mr. President = F on Policy* (Luke Baker, Columbia, Md., a First Offender) The neighs have it: Honorable mentions *Mr. President x Walk in the Sun = Jirque du Soleil* (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Mississippi x Choo Choo = Twain* (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) *Alpha to Omega x Arrival = Eta (Dave Wyman, Ann Arbor, Mich., a First Offender) *Numero Thirteen x Zing Zang = I Speak Foreign* (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Retirement Fund x Ali = The Roth of Khan* (Matthew Sheren, Washington, a First Offender) *Still Having Fun x One More Tom = One More, Tom (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Pony Up x Bail Out = Too Big to Foal (David Peckarsky, Tucson) *Ali x Demolition = Cassius Claymore (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia; John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *Ali x Machismo = Gaseous Clay (Michael Porcello, Washington) *Ali x Pony Up = Cashless Clay* (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Steve Price, New York) *Ark in the Dark x Masked = Noah Veil (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Ax Man x Retirement Fund = Splitting Heirs (Jon Gearhart) *Biblical x Gotta Go = Jacob's Bladder (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.; Tom Witte) *Biblical x Noble Indy = Miracle Whip* (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) *Big Brown Bear x Beautiful Shot = Kodiak Moment* (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.; Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *Bolt d'Oro x Replicator = Usain Clone Posse* (Mary McNamara, Washington) *Bugle Notes x Gotta Go = Nope, Bone Spurs* (Wilson Varga, Alexandria, Va.; J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) *Candygram x Enjoy the Journey = Bon Bon Voyage* (Michael Porcello; Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va., a First Offender; Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis; Mary Kappus, Washington) *Good Magic x Audible = Penn and Yeller* (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Catholic Boy x Dream Friend = It's Still a Sin* (Jeff Loren, Seattle) *Choo Choo x Dawood = Hurt Dateeth* (Joe Ruane, Dunmore, Pa., a First Offender) *Clever Mind x Audible = Magna Cum Loud* (Laurie Brink) *Clever Mind x Candygram = Wit Man's Sampler* (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) *Clever Mind x Flameaway = Smart Ash* (Jon Gearhart) *Dawood x Big Brown Bear = Genital Ben* (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Dream Friend x Call a Cop = Incubusted (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Alpha to Omega x Dunk = Absorba the Greek* (Becky Fisher, Madison, Wis.) *Enjoy the Journey x Nero = Roamin' Emperor* (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) *Exclamation Point x Mr. President = Punked You Asians* (Harvey Smith) *Explorer x Machismo = Questosterone* (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) *Family Kitten x Walk in the Sun = Hot Tin Roof (Elliott Gilberg, Washington, a First Offender) *For Him x Wisely = For Her (James Colten, Washington) *Good Magic x World of Trouble = David Cop a Feel* (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.) *Gronkowski x Exclamation Point = Worst.Musical.Ever (David Smith, Stockton, Calif.) *Hollywood Star x Justify = They Let You* (Connie Schott, West Plains, Mo., a First Offender) *Justify x Family Kitten = HeFollowedMeHome (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) *Lone Sailor x Chaps = Village Person* (Stacy Cloyd, Washington, a First Offender; Bill Smith, Reston, Va.) *Mendelssohn x Hollywood Star = Felix and Oscar (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.; Kathy Hardis Fraeman) *Mississippi x My Boy Jack = Ol' Man Ripper* (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Dudley Thompson) *Mr. President x Arrival = The Ego Has Landed* (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *Mr. President x Firenze Fire = Donnie's Inferno* (Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md.) *Mr. President x Replicator = So Much Twinning* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *My Dream x Dunk = MLK and Cookies (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Nero x Bravazo = Fiddle DD (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Peppered x Audible = Sneezy Listening (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Pony Up x Mississippi = Hock Finn* (Rob Huffman) *Quip x Retirement Fund = Laugh Savings* (Jesse Frankovich) *Quip x Yee Haw = Yuk Owens* (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) *Reride x Tenfold = How I Met Yo Mama (Jesse Frankovich) *Retirement Fund x Firenze Fire = Roth to a Flame* (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *Retirement Fund x Numero Thirteen = 401 Que?* (Ben Aronin, Washington) *Rucksack x Mr. President = Sack* (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Runaway Ghost x Yee Haw = PhantomOfTheOpry* (Jerome Uher, Alexandria, Va.) *Silver Hammer x Bolt d'Oro = Maxweld* (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *Strike Power x Walk in the Sun = Norma Ray-Ban* (Chuck Helwig) *Tattooed x Wisely = Invisible Ink* (J. Larry Schott) *Telekinesis x Biblical = Mind Over Martyr* (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) *Tough Times x Gold Town = Hard Knox (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *Tres Equis x Justify = X~~~~~~~X~~~~~~~X (Jeff Contompasis) *Big Brown Bear x Magnum Moon = Big Brown Bare* (Jerome Uher) *Combatant x Biblical = Fighter Pilate* (Malcolm Fleschner) *Runaway Ghost x Walk in the Sun = GhoulsOutForSummer (Elaine Lederman, Strasburg, Va.) *Still Having Fun x Rucksack = Ruckus in the Sack* (Claudia Raffman, Reston, Va.) /And Last:/ Tattooed x Exclamation Point = I Got Ink!* (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, May 7: our neologism contest inspired by the Spelling Bee word game. See wapo.st/invite1277 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1279, published May 13, 2018 Week 1279: Justly do it — give us 'accurate' directions *Shampoo:* *1. Lather.* *2. Rinse.* *3. Repeat.* *4. All right already, stop washing your hair, you overliteral fool.* This week's contest was suggested by Stuart Rogers of the Toronto Loser Bureau, which consists of Stuart Rogers and the occasional other nice person. Stuart was inspired by a tweet from someone/thing named Meanwhile in Canada that instructed*how to cook a can of soup, with steps including "Immediately slice fingertip on edge of lid" and "Dump cold glob into microwave-safe bowl. Lose appetite." In that vein: This week: List some "accurate" directions for using some product or completing some task. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1279* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a big puffy foamy top hat in psychedelic colors and printed with all sorts of groovy peace signs and flowers and smileys. Willy Wonka would have refused to wear this hat because it was too gaudy. Donated by Dave Prevar and modeled at a recent Loser brunch by Kyle Hendrickson. Groovy Loser Kyle Hendrickson models this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, May 21; results published June 10 (online June 7). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Good Will Punning" is by Tom Witte; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *GOOD WILL PUNNING: THE SHAKESPEAREAN A&Q OF WEEK 1275* **In Week 1275 the Empress asked you to quote a line from Shakespeare, then supply a question that quote might answer. Many entries reminded us how often Bardy quotes are regularly used as jokes — "too, too solid flesh" for dieters, "loved not wisely but too well" for STDs, etc. — but as usual, the Loser Community fortunately labour'd to outjest. 4th place: A. "Give not this rotten orange to your friend." ("Much Ado About Nothing") /Q: "Shall I introduce Donald to my pal Melania?" /(Thor Rudebeck, Chicago) 3rd place: A. "Dog!" ("Troilus and Cressida") /Q: Mr. President, for your last question on your cognitive assessment: Is this a dog, or a dog?/ (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) 2nd place and the dragon-head hat: A. "By my soul I swear, there is no power in the tongue of man to alter me." ("The Merchant of Venice") /Q. What were the sadly inaccurate last words of the Tootsie Pop?/ (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: A. "He jests at scars that never felt a wound." ("Romeo and Juliet") /Q, "Why does McCain care about my bone spurs, anyway?" /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Let slip the dogs: Honorable mentions Which of you shall we say doth love us most? ("King Lear") /How shall we begin the Cabinet meeting, Mr. President?/ (Gil Glass, Washington) Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow . . . ("Macbeth") /Honey, when will you fix the screen door? /(Dinah Rokach, Silver Spring, Md.) I crave your highness' pardon. ("Antony and Cleopatra") /What's the best-selling Hallmark card in Washington these days?/ (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. (Sonnet 18) /No, seriously. What did you get me for Mother's Day?/ (Danielle Nowlin) Tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones"¦ ("As You Like It") /Are we all set up for the church scavenger hunt?/ (Claire Walsh, Herndon, Va.) Why didst thou promise such a beauteous day, and make me travel forth without my cloak, to let base clouds o'ertake me? (Sonnet 34) /What's the most common complaint in Topper Shutt's inbox? / (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) I thank thee, Jew, for teaching me that word. ("The Merchant of Venice") /How did the D.C. Council member respond when his colleague explained the term "anti-Semitism" to him? /(Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Your means are very slender, and your waste is great. ("Henry IV, Part II") /Why do I keep running out of toilet paper? / (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) To boot, and boot! ("King Lear") /What's the motto of Windows 10?/ (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) To sleep — perchance to dream. ("Hamlet") /What is on Ben Carson's calendar today? /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) I'll not be juggled with. ("Hamlet") /What did Peter Dinklage say to Shaquille O'Neal?/ (Duncan Stevens) Think but this, and all is mended. ("A Midsummer Night's Dream") /What is the motto of the Association of Transcendental Plumbers?/ (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Tush, that's a wooden thing! ("Henry VI, Part I") /What answer caused the medical student to flunk the anatomy exam?/ (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) For my voice, I have lost it with hollaing and singing of anthems. ("Henry IV, Part II") /What was it like performing with the flu at the Super Bowl, Pink?/ (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath. ("The Merchant of Venice") /What happens when you flush an airplane toilet?/ (Gary Crockett) Never, never, never, never, never. ("King Lear") /When will you finally get over the fact that Hillary Clinton lost the election?/ (Robert Schechter) O, had I but followed the arts! ("Twelfth Night") /How could I have gotten more student debt? / (Gary Crockett) O, no "" it is an ever-fixèd mark. (Sonnet 116) /Thanks again for pet-sitting my cat — a little Resolve cleaned up that accident on the rug, didn't it?/ (Brendan Beary) The end of life cancels all bands. ("Henry IV, Part I") /Is there anything that can stop the Rolling Stones from touring? /(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) How if I answer no? ("Hamlet") /Do you always answer a question with another question?/ (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) So let it be with Caesar. ("Julius Caesar") /Hi, umm, that house salad you ordered? So I checked with the kitchen? And they're like, out of the Thousand Island? /(Brendan Beary) The poop was beaten gold. ("Antony and Cleopatra," referring to a deck on Cleopatra's barge ) /What impressed you most about the bathrooms in Trump Tower?/ (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say. ("King Lear") /What's the new slogan for Twitter?/ (John McCooey) O that I were a glove upon that hand . . . ("Romeo and Juliet") /On second thought, Prince Charles, is there another object of Lady Camilla's that you might wish to be? /(Mark Raffman) Some carry-tale, some please-man, some slight zany, Some mumble-news, some trencher-knight, some Dick. ("Love's Labour's Lost") /Who's applying for jobs at the White House these days? /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Is she not passing fair? ("The Two Gentleman of Verona") /What's Rachel Dolezal up to now? /(Roy Ashley, Washington) The rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril. ("The Merry Wives of Windsor") /Hey, what do you think of the new Axe body spray?/ (Danny Wysong, Crozet, Va.) The wheel is come full circle. I am here. ("King Lear") /Whoa, are you seriously a talking hamster?/ (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) As many farewells as be stars in heaven. ("Troilus and Cressida") /What's on next week's White House schedule?/ (Jeff Contompasis) So withered, and so wild in their attire, that look not like th' inhabitants o' th' earth. ("Macbeth") /Wow, you see all sorts of folks at Coachella, don't you? /(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria) *And Last: With inky blots and rotten parchment bonds. ("Richard II") /How did the Empress reward her children for good grades? /(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) ====================================================================== WEEK 1280, published May 20, 2018 Week 1280: A la'ugh' a minute with our 'air quotes' contest *"Spa"ghetti: A plate of bean sprouts. (Melissa Balmain) *iP"hon"e: "Dear, we should talk. Can you look at me when we talk?"(Ward Kay)* *Se"dated": Out for a romantic evening. — W. Cosby* (Kevin Dopart) *Su"perv"isor: The boss who believes too strongly in "hands-on management."* (Brendan Beary) For second place, a double from our Scatalogue. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) Here's a contest we've done five times over the past 18 years in exactly the same way, but we never seem to run out of great material. So let's have at it one more time: This week: Highlight part of a word, name or short phrase in "air quotes" to give it a new meaning or description,* as in the examples above, which all got ink in 2015 (Brendan Beary's was the winner). See this week's Style Conversational column — published late afternoon on Thursday, May 17 — for links to the previous sets of results. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1280* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Double Whammy from our Invite Scatalogue: both the Farts in a Can noise machine, with "6 Fart Sounds" including "Loud and Proud," "Booty Bomb" and "The Squeaker"; and a roll of very thin toilet paper imprinted with 100-euro currency (okay, pale pictures of 100-euro currency). Donated, "respect"ively, by Nan Reiner and Roy Ashley. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Tuesday night, May 29 (go ahead, enjoy your Memorial Day); results published June 17 (online June 14). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "A Show of Fours" is by Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *A SHOW OF FOURS: THE PROMPTED LIMERICKS OF WEEK 1276* In Week 1276, we asked you to write a limerick that ended in one of seven lines we supplied. 4th place The front page I find to be vile, While Metro just fills me with bile. I'm a puppy in training, but when I am straining *I just like to do things in Style.* (Kevin Tingley, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place I give thanks to my papa and mama, George Bush, and Michelle R. Obama — Now don't hiss, jeer or boo; This thing proves it's all true: *A strategically placed Oxford comma.* (Sharon Neeman, Kiryat Shmona, Israel, a First Offender) 2nd place /and the Chia Uncle Si plant "sculpture":/ A magician's assistant named Jen Would be cut in half often, but then She just disappeared (With a stagehand, it's feared) *And they never saw her again. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Tweets, "There's two terms for me, then I'm done, Then Ivanka, then Jared, each son, Then who? Was distressed Till I met Kanye West, *But now I have found Fifty-one." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Four on the floor: Honorable mentions With her, I did not go to bed! I'll sue to demand lots of bread! She disclosed our embrace, Which, uh, never took place. *Well, that's what the president said. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Have your lawyer fork over a ton So she won't speak a word of your fun: For leaving your lays, Simon said "fifty ways," *But now I have found fifty-one! (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Was it dandruff? A stray bit of thread? /Peut-être,/ a crumb of French bread? Despite the strange dance "It's NOT a bromance." *(Well, that's what the president said.)* (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) I once made a face at my brother, A gnarled, ugly face like no other! Alas, it got stuck! Now I look like a duck! *If only I'd listened to Mother!* (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.; Jesse Frankovich sent an almost identical limerick) In view of all Trump's said and done, A State of Despair has begun. Fifty States, I recall, And that once was all; *But now I have found fifty-one. *(Hugh Thirlway, The Hague) At the sperm bank I left them a ton For the money and, yes, for the fun I thought that there'd be A new kid, maybe three — *But now I have found fifty-one.* (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) "Would you mind, while you're making my bed, Not inspiring our feelings of dread? Though you work hard, that's true, Who brings crime? Why, it's you!" *(Well, that's what the president said.) (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) A tornado hit Twelve Hundred Penn Wiping out just one small soundproof den. We have learned from the past, Mother Nature bats last. *And they never saw Pruitt again. (Beth Norcross, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) Said the Donald, "I've met Kim Jong Un, And, believe me, I'm gaining a son. Now we've married our fates, We once had fifty states, *But now I have found fifty-one."* (Frank Osen) The ER nurse told me, "Oh, brother! Such filth, I've ne'er seen on another. Why didn't you care To wear clean underwear?" *If only I'd listened to Mother. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) It's '36, Chelsea's not calm: Her campaign's just been hit by a bomb: Their brain wave discussions Got leaked by the Russians — *"If only I'd listened to Mom!" (Duncan Stevens) Fat Tuesday in N'Awlins? The bomb! But today I roulayed les bon temps Without aspirin to squeeze 'Tween my knees. Jeez Louise, *If only I'd listened to Mom! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) There was a young Fräulein, a cutie, Who met a young prince from Djibouti. "Der Prinz was divine, But he's left me, das Schwein!* If only I'd listened to Mutti." (Ed Edwards, Worcester Park, Surrey, England) My friends tried indulging their yen For Spike Jonze flicks at Cinema 10, But romantic sci-fi Left them both high and dry. *And they never saw "Her" again.* (Chris Doyle) Nicolas Cage, who had captured a wren Put the poor little bird in a pen, But he felt so contrite As it chirped through the night, *And they never saw Nic cage again.* (Frank Osen) The grammarians' ball features drama, As at last year's big Grammararama, Where one prof dressed for sin, Clad, it seems, only in *A strategically placed Oxford comma.* (Frank Osen) /Fun with anagrams: /DETER SPIN! That Times story you read IS PRETEND! Try some Fox News instead. Fair and balanced, Sean Hannity ENDS TRIPE, restores sanity! *(Well, that's what the PRESIDENT said.)* (Jesse Frankovich) Two Welsh fellows, Trevor and Ken, Had been sentenced to life in the pen. They were busted in Swansea For running a Ponzi, *And they never saw *Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch again.* (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) /And Last:/ Though they be without rhyme or reason, I write the best limericks and tweets Cause I ignore the rules Which are only for others. *Well, that's what the president said*. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, May 21: Our contest for "accurate" directions to use some product or complete a task. See wapo.st/invite1279 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1281, published May 27, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1281: We only have (googly) eyes for you A photo contest: Make something funny by pasting eyes on it by Pat Myers May 24 Email the author //(Click here to skip down to the winning neologisms from Week 1277) For many years, the Empress has had a lovely neighbor around the corner whom we'll call Dave, since his name is Dave. And when they see each other around the 'hood, Dave will often say, "You know, I see that thing of yours in the newspaper, that contest — and man, I just don't get it." Dave, here is your contest. It is the most gettable of contests. You know those googly eyes you can stick onto things? Get yourself a pack at the dollar store, or just draw some, and . . . This week: Send us a photo of something that you have made funny by pasting googly eyes on it; funny titles and captions are optional. This is, we know, not a new idea; five years ago, for example, BuzzFeed published"40 Pictures That Prove That Everything Is Better With Googly Eyes," and there's even an online generator where you can put virtual googly eyes on the photo of your choice /(do not use this)./ But fortunately for us all, there still are some things out there that/do not have any googly eyes on them. / Here's one way to be a standup comic: with a dry-erase text balloon on a headband. (Mark Holt) How we'll do this: — Get googly eyes.* They're very cheap at dollar stores, craft stores, etc., usually coming dozens to a bag in various sizes for a buck or two. Or if you can't find them, just draw some on a piece of paper. — Put googly eyes on something or someone and take a photo. It must be an original photo;* we don't want to get into copyright problems. For this reason, also don't paste eyes on a photo that someone else took, unless the photo is part of a sign, on packaging, etc. Don't just Photoshop eyes onto a photo. — Obviously, this isn't one of our cerebral, more-clever-than-funny contests; we're hoping for gut laughs. But you know we can't resist witty wordplay and clever jokes. So a funny title or caption *accompanying your googly-eyed toaster might pop it above someone else's googly-eyed toaster. — Upload your photo at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1281* (all lowercase). For this week, please submit just one photo per entry form. You may still, however, send as many as 25 entries. If you have a title and/or a caption, put those in the first field of the form, where the text of entries usually goes; then scroll down to the upload part near the bottom. If you have trouble getting Mr. Form to accept your photo, don't get all panicky; you may email it as an attachment to the Empress at pat.myers@washpost.com (put "Week 1281 photo" in the subject line). Don't forget to include your first and last name and your postal address in the email. Get yourself a bag of eyes at a craft store, or just draw some. — You'll get an extra week to get the googly eyes, persuade your toaster to pose for you, etc. So the deadline is Monday night, June 11;* results published June 24 (online June 21). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of three handy, or perhaps heady, headbands, each supporting a comics-style text bubble made of dry-erase board — one for comments, one for thoughts, one for action noises — on a spring several inches above your head. Think of all the talking you won't have to do at parties, and not only because everyone there will avoid you like a subpoena. Donated by Loser J. Larry Schott. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). *. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Beeologisms" was submitted separately by Tom Witte, Kevin Dopart and Jesse Frankovich; Tom also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *BEEOLOGISMS: REPORT FROM WEEK 1277 **In Week 1277* we presented 15 sets of 7 letters each, and asked you to create a new term from the letters of any of the sets. The twist, in a shout-out to the New York Times Spelling Bee game, was that you could use any of the letters more than once, or not at all. 4th place /From ROXTANE:/ Ranx: Shapewear and deodorant in one! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 3rd place /From ROXTANE:/ Oxanne:* No, really, you shouldn't turn on /any/ lights. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) 2nd place and the red crab beanie : /From FINCOUT: / FU-ton:* A couch so uncomfortable, it appears to be designed out of spite. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: /From PTACKRO:/ Krapatoa: A presidential Twitter eruption. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) PTACKRO -->Crap pack: Honorable mentions /From WMALTER:/ "Maaaaaaaate!": What excitable announcers yell during a chess match. (Duncan Stevens) — Lawmart:* At this big-box store, you WILL have 12 items or less in the express lane, or ELSE! (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) — Were-ewe:* A sheep in wolf's clothing. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) — WMATA ETA:* A known unknown. (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) — Tartar Melter:* Cool Mint & Drano mouthwash, recommended by four out of five surviving dentists. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) — Erratata: A third nipple. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) /From PHANETY:/ Yentanet: You got questions? We got advice. You don't? We got it anyway. (Sue Taubenkibel, Washington, a First Offender) — Hyenatape:* Sitcom jargon for the laugh track. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) — Ant-panty: A thong. (Kathleen DeBold) — Ante-panty:* A fig leaf. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) /From CHELOAN:/ Hello-hole: New Yorker's term for Midwest town where strangers dare to smile at you on the street. (Duncan Stevens) /From CYMENGR:/ Gene me: "Let's do some baby-making." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) — McGermy:* The ball pit at the PlayPlace. (Bill Dorner) — Mergency: A shotgun wedding. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) /From FINESTY:/ Styfine: "No allowance till you clean your room! (Kathleen DeBold; Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) — Yesfest:* A Trump Cabinet meeting. (Janelle Gibb, Rockville) — Sinfinity: A very long day at the confessional. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) /From FOUTHGL:/ — Hugglut: A visit to Grandma's. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) /From LABGENT: / Alt-Age: The radical wing of AARP. (Terry Smith, McLean, Va., a First Offender) — Gall gene:* The biology that permits you to hire Bill Clinton's lawyer to defend you against an investigation you claim is masterminded by people who are out to get you because they secretly support Hillary. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) — Balge: One reason we don't like Speedos. (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) /From RONTCUD:/ Courtoon:* A comic strip featuring the president's current lawyer, a person named Kasowitz Dowd diGenova Toensing Cobb Giuliani. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) /From UBATRIE:/ Bratterie:* A chic but honest day care center. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) — Rub-tuba: That moment during a massage when you relax a bit too much and accidentally let one out. (Matt Monitto) — Teeter-teeter:* Playground activity with weight-mismatched kids. (Duncan Stevens) /From ROXTANE:/ Exxonerate: To absolve of blame even when wrongdoing is obvious. "Campaign donations are one way of being exxonerated after an oil spill." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) /From KETICYR: / Erectricity:* When there's more than just a little spark between you. (Jon Gearhart) *Still running — deadline Tuesday night, May 29: our "air quotes" contest. Seewapo.st/invite1280 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1282, published June 3, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1282: Picture this — a cartoon caption contest Plus 'A Little Night Mucus' and other winning 'grandfoal' names These cartoons have been scientifically engineered to provide creative and greatly varied captions for Week 1282. We hope. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) by Pat Myers May 31 Email the author //(Click here to skip down to this year's winning "grandfoal" names) What's going on in these pictures? Don't ask me! No, tell me — since Bob Staake doesn't deign to talk to the Loserly Rabble. This week: Write a caption for one or more of the pictures above. Begin each entry with "Picture A," "Picture B," etc., on the same line as your caption, so that the Empress can sort the entries. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1282* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Special Invite Red & Green Double Pak o' Yummies: first, a eight-ounce container of blood-red gooey-mess Texas Blood Crawlers, just like the worms that make nice fishing bait except that these are really gummy worms "crawling in chamoy and chili." Donated by Alex Blackwood of Houston; /and /a bag of genuine KitKat bars from Japan — in green tea flavor. They are bright green. Donated by Bruce Alter. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 11; results published July 1 (online June 28). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; both Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *REHORSEFULNESS: THE 'GRANDFOALS' OF WEEK 1278* Four weeks ago, in Week 1278, we announced the winners of our horse name "breeding" contest, playing on any two names among 100 Triple Crown nominees. Now here are the "grandfoals" produced by breeding those foal names. *BUT FIRST: With his five (!!) blots of ink this week, Mark Raffman *gallops past the 500-ink line and into the Style Invitational Hall of Fame as its 12th member. For a tribute to Mark, including some of his funniest Invite ink, see this week's Style Conversational at wapo.st/conv1282 (published late afternoon on Thursday, May 31). 4th place: Donnie's Inferno x Worst.Musical.Ever = My Spare Lady* (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) These "Texas Blood Crawlers" (gummy worms) are just half this week's second prize; there's also a bag of bright green KitKat bars. 3rd place: Cashless Clay x PhantomOfTheOpry = Ali Bubba* (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place /and the CD "Lullaby Renditions of Johnny Cash": / Absorba the Greek x How I Met Yo Mama =*QuickerPickerUpper (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Ruckus in the Sack x Nope, Bone Spurs = Not Funny, Melania* (David Young, Falmouth, Mass.) Stable scraps: Honorable mentions GhoulsOutForSummer x Invisible Ink = The Ghost Is Clear (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Twain x Rex = Amtwack (Marilyn Pifer, Morgan Hill, Calif.) Absorba the Greek x David Cop a Feel =*Pervious (Hildy Zampella) LambdaTheSlaughter x Absorba the Greek = MuttonyOnThe Bounty (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) Absorba the Greek x The Ego Has Landed = Ouzo Vain (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) Cashless Clay x Gaseous Clay = Destitoot (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Cashless Clay x How I Met Yo Mama = She Took PayPal (Steve Honley, Washington) Cashless Clay x I Speak Foreign = Ali Blah Blah* (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) Cassius Claymore x LambdaTheSlaughter = Ali Baa Baa (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.) David Cop a Feel x Penn and Yeller = Lecherdemain* (Mark Raffman) Worst.Musical.Ever x David Cop a Feel = Breast Side Story (Steve Price, New York) Donnie's Inferno x Worst.Musical.Ever = The Book of Moron (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Absorba the Greek x Worst.Musical.Ever = A Porous Line (Hildy Zampella) Worst.Musical.Ever x How I Met Yo Mama = Lay Ms.* (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Rex x Worst.Musical.Ever = He Plays Eliza (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) Miracle Whip x Donnie's Inferno = Merkel Whip (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Rex x Fiddle DD =*Rax* (Mark Raffman) Gaseous Clay x Rex = Reex* (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) HeFollowedMeHome x Gaseous Clay = Restraining Odor* (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) Village Person x Jacob's Bladder = Peon (Mark Raffman) The Ego Has Landed x Jirque du Soleil = I Am My Sunshine (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Donnie's Inferno x Miracle Whip = Hell-Man's Mayo* (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Ol' Man Ripper x Splitting Heirs = Chopped Livers (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) Sneezy Listening x PhantomOfTheOpry = Mucus of the Night* (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Sneezy Listening x Worst.Musical.Ever = A Little Night Mucus (Chris Doyle) Questosterone x So Much Twinning = Hormone Killebrew (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) Roamin' Emperor x David Cop a Feel = Seizer (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.; Duncan Stevens) Twain x Sneezy Listening = Connecticut Hankie (Duncan Stevens) 401 Que? x Kodiak Moment = Dunno, Alaska* (Mary Kappus, Washington; Mark Raffman) Big Brown Bare x Smart Ash = Birthday Soot* (Jesse Frankovich) Twain x Genital Ben =*Tom Saw Ya* (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) HeFollowedMeHome x Big Brown Bare = Stalk Naked* (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) David Cop a Feel x Hurt Dateeth = I Punch Damouth* (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) Worst.Musical.Ever x Jacob's Bladder = No Intermission (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Felix and Oscar x GhoulsOutForSummer = BestFiendsForever (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Cassius Claymore x Fighter Pilate = Pull Your Pontius* (Matt Monitto) Sack x Cassius Claymore = Paper or Plastique (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Felix and Oscar x Gaseous Clay = The Odor Couple* (Jenn Phillips, International Falls, Minn., a First Offender) Genital Ben x Felix and Oscar = The Id Couple (Rob Wolf) David Cop a Feel x Felix and Oscar = The Pawed Couple* (Mary McNamara, Washington) David Cop a Feel x Fiddle DD = Pinchass Zukerman* (Chris Doyle) Mind Over Martyr x Miracle Whip = Thinko de Mayo (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Gaseous Clay x Miracle Whip = Stinko da Mayo (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.; Jon Gearhart) Rex x Gaseous Clay = House of Tooter (Judith Wright, Indian Hills, Colo., a First Offender) The Ego Has Landed x Punked You Asians = Kanye East (Lee Graham, Germantown, Md.) Sneezy Listening x Splitting Heirs = Achoodicate (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) X~~~~~~~X~~~~~~~X x Magna Cum Loud = O~~~~~~~O~~~~~~~O (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Joanne Free) Absorba the Greek x For Her = [Greek letters that look as if they're spelling out "maxi pad"] [EJC]* (Jesse Frankovich) Incubusted x I Got Ink! = InkYouBoasted* (Gary Crockett) I Got Ink! x Laugh Savings = Little Interest (Margaret Welsh, Oakton, Va.) I Got Ink! x Invisible Ink = Fake Lose* (Tom Witte) *Still running — deadline Monday, June 11: our first googly-eyes photo contest. See wapo.st/invite1281 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1283, published June 10, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1283: Put it in Bee-verse Write a poem using a National Spelling Bee word; plus winning 'real' product directions Cointise: A scarf or handkerchief given by a lady to a knight as a token of favor. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) by Pat Myers June 7 at 11:22 AM Email the author //(Click here to skip down to the winning and Losing "real" directions on how to do some task or use a product) *Cointise (pronounced kwan-TEEZ), a scarf or handkerchief given by a lady to a knight as a token of favor, to wear in battle or a tournament *Hey there, Lancelot: Get wiser — and have a dose of dese: Your lady's hankies in my visor — I'm inhaling her cointise.* /— Gene Weingarten, Washington Post Po' Wit Laureate/ All that brainpower, all that focus, all that effort: Once again, the competitors in the National Spelling Bee wowed us last week with their ability to spell endless lists of words that nobody uses. So let's do our part to make some of those words less obscure — to give the kids /something / to take away from the lists when they age out of the Bee.*This week: Write a humorous poem of eight lines or fewer that includes one of the words listed below, all from the 2018 Bee. *The word must be used with its real meaning and pronunciation; you can't pretend that it's something else. You may use a slightly different form of the word, such as a plural, adding "-ing," etc. /These pronunciations and brief definitions were taken from the Scripps National Spelling Bee website; from Merriam-Webster.com; from Dictionary.com; from prounuciation sites and videos; and occasionally from technical sites. If you find an alternative pronunciation or meaning listed online, you may use that if you include a link to that listing with your entry. / *amadelphous /(AM-a-DEL-phous):/ Gregarious; tending to live in a flock, herd or community rather than living alone. *ankyloglossia* /(ankle-o-glossia):/ A condition in which the tongue has limited movement (usually because of a problem with the frenulum underneath): it's being literally tongue-tied. *beloid* /(BEE-loid):/ Arrow-shaped. *besticulture* /(BEST-iculture):/ The exploitation of wild animals for eating (i.e., hunting and fishing). *Bewusstseinslage* /(be-VOOST-stein-zlaga):/ A state of consciousness which cannot be associated with any particular sensation. Certainty would be such a sensation, according to the Psychology Dictionary . *bondieuserie /(bon-DYU-zerie):/ Shoddy, banal religious art, or a piece of such art. *carrosserie /(ca-ROSS-rie):/ The carriage or body of an automobile (what sits above the chassis). *catachresis* /(CAT-a-KREE-sis):/ The use of the wrong word for the context (sometimes deliberately), such as "literally" to mean "figuratively." *chaudfroid* /(show-frwa):/ A jellied sauce covering cooked meat or fish, served cold. *cointise* /(kwan-TEEZ): /A lady's scarf or handkerchief worn by a knight on his helmet as a sign of favor. *conchylium* /(con-CHILL-ium):/ A mollusk shell. *condottiere* /(con-di-T'YERE-ee):/ A mercenary soldier (plural "condottieri," pronounced roughly the same) *debellation* /(DEB-el-LA-tion):/ The act of conquering (to conquer is to debel [de-BEL]). *diploe* /(DIP-lo-wee): /Cancellous (spongy) bony tissue between internal and external skull bone. *draegerman* /(dray-grr-man):/ A miner trained in underground rescue. *ecchymosis* /(ECKy-mosis):/ A black-and-blue mark, or the formation of one by blood escaping blood vessels under the skin (plural "ecchymoses"). *fourrier* /(furrier):/ Precursor. *gelastic* /(jeh-LAS-tic):/ Relating to laughter; used medically to refer to a type of seizure sometimes called a "laughing fit." Also meaning laughable. *grognard* /(gro-NYAR):/ An old soldier. *lochetic* /(lo-KEET-ic):/ Lying in wait for prey, as a spider waiting for a fly to fall into a web. *mydriasis* /(me-DRY-asis):/ Excessive or prolonged dilation of the pupils. *myrmecophagous /(MER-me-COFF-agus):/ Feeding on ants. *pareidolia* /(PAR-rye-DOLE-ia):/ The tendency to perceive a meaningful image in a random or ambiguous visual pattern (e.g., a Rorschach blot). It's been used a lot lately to describe how people see sides of buildings, etc., as looking like faces; we expect to see amplifications of such examples in our current googly-eyes contest ). *perduellion* /(per-DU-le-on): /Treason, subversion. *propylaeum* /(PROP-uh-LEE-um):/ A vestibule serving as the entrance to a temple. *squabash* /(SKWA-bash):/ To crush with criticism; lambaste. *succiniferous* /(SUCK-si-NIF-erous):/ Yielding amber. *thymiaterion* /(THIGH-mee-a-TEER-ion): /An ancient Greek vessel for burning incense *verrucous* /(ve-RU-cus):/ Warty. *vitraillist* /(VIT-tra-yist): / A stained-glass designer or craftsman. *volplane* (/VAHL-plane): /A controlled dive in an airplane, especially with the engine shut off (or as a verb, to make such a dive). *whyos* /(plural of WHY-oh):/ Members of a gang of holdup men. *winklepickers* /(winkle-pickers):/ Shoes and boots with long, pointy toes, first fashionable among rock-and-roll fans in 1950s England. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1283* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives something that, for once, has actual monetary value: It's a*translucent bar of green soap into which is set what looks at first to be rolled-up play money but is actually a little plastic tube holding /actual cash/ — anywhere, according to the box, from $1 to $50. So you can clean up by cleaning up. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar, who's going to live up to his title if it turns out there's more than a dollar bill in there. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 18; results published July 8 (online July 5). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Do Wit Yourself" is by Jesse Frankovich; both Jesse and Bill Dorner submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *DO WIT YOURSELF: WINNING 'REAL' INSTRUCTIONS FROM WEEK 1279* **In * Week 1279 we asked you to supply a list of "real" instructions to use a product or accomplish a task. The Loser Community seemed to find it especially daunting to fold bedsheets. 4th place *HOW TO DEFEAT AN EVIL WIZARD:* 1. Ascertain that the only person who can defeat the wizard is a baby.* Leave him on the doorstep of relatives who will resent and mistreat him. Don't, like, ring the doorbell or talk to them. Talk about money laundering: There's real currency in this bar of soap, this week's second prize. *2. When the child grows up, do nothing special to train him. Assume that he will have a much more talented friend who will bail him out constantly. Give her no credit or recognition for this. *3. Have the child spend most of his time and energy playing a completely irrelevant and useless game.* *4. Eventually arrange to train the child to fight the wizard.* Assign the training to someone the child hates, and who hates him, to make it completely ineffective. *5. Eventually announce that you're telling the child everything.* Actually leave out all the most important parts. *6. Die, in a prearranged fashion,* without explaining the rest of the story to the child. Assume he'll get the information via some weird coincidences. *7. After the child eventually defeats the wizard,* he'll forget all of this and name his firstborn after you. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place *HOW TO OPEN A CHILDPROOF MEDICINE BOTTLE:* 1. Hold bottle firmly in one hand. *2. With other hand, squeeze sides of top. *3. Try to locate bottle, which has just shot across the room. *4. Repeat* Steps 1 and 2. *5. Try to locate eyeglasses* in order to read which direction squeezed lid should be turned. *6. Repeat* Steps 1 and 2 — and 3. *7. Retrieve bottle from toilet* and rinse. *9. Slam with hammer,* just to show the bottle who's boss. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2nd place /and the big foamy top hat :/ *HOW TO TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB:* **"ƒ (Randy Lee, Burke, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *HOW TO MEDITATE:* 1. Close your eyes and relax.* *2. You're not doing it right.* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Directile dysfunction: Honorable mentions *HOW TO INSERT A USB PLUG :* 1. Attempt to insert plug. 2.Rotate connector 180 degrees. 3. Go to Step 1. (Gil Glass, Washington) *HOW TO RESET YOUR CAR'S CLOCK:* 1. Look futilely for some buttons near the clock. 2. Consult the "quick start guide" in the glove compartment. 3. Scan the indexes of the multivolume "owner's manual." 4. Search through aforementioned manual for a picture of the clock. 5. Look at your phone. You wanted to check it anyway. (Larry Carnahan, Peabody, Mass.) ** HOW TO APPLY PERFUME:* 1. Open fashion magazine . . . (Janelle Gibb, Rockville, Md.) *HOW TO DEAL WITH A VOICEMAIL MENU:* 1. Do not "listen carefully," since you won't know whatever options have changed anyway. 2. Press "00000," or for interactive voice response systems, swear like a longshoreman. 3. Say hello to a human operator. (Note: No. 2 generally works for real.) (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *HOT TO GET CRAFT BEER AT NATIONALS PARK:* 1. Buy it at concession stand for $16. 2. Savor it as the Nats make playoffs. 3. Cry in it as Nats are eliminated in heartbreaking loss. 4. Pour remainder of it over celebrating Cubs fan's head. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) *HOW TO USE A HOME GYM:* 1. Get rid of clothes that don't fit, plus anything you never wear, like gym clothes. 2. Organize remaining items by type, color and season. 3. For a tidy look, align clothes by height as you hang them from the pullup bar. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) ** HOW TO SAY "HELLO" TO A NATIVE AMERICAN:* 1. Nope, not that way (Mark Raffman) *HOW TO MAKE A BABY:* 1. Insert Tab P into Slot V. 2. Repeat as necessary. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) *HOW TO FIX AN ELECTRICAL CIRCUIT IN YOUR HOME:* 1. Go online. 2. Under "Search," type in "broken electrical circuit." 3. Identify and contact a company that specializes in fixing broken electrical circuits. 4. Arrange for someone from the company to come out and fix your circuit. 5. After the job is done, pay and thank the person. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *HOW TO STOP RISING SEA LEVELS *1. Go to the beach. 2. Go in the water. 3. Find a rock. 4. Take it home. 5. Repeat. (Mo Brooks, Alabama) (Kevin Dopart) *HOW TO GRILL A STEAK JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT:* 1. Preheat grill. 2. Put a steak on the grill 3. After five minutes, turn what's on the grill and put another steak on. 4. Repeat Step 3 eight times. 5. Remove steaks from grill, choose the one that's done how you like it. 6. Discard remaining steaks. Serves one. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *HOW TO DRY YOUR HANDS IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM:* 1. Wave hands under towel dispenser. 2. When nothing happens, look for crank. 3. With annoying difficulty, turn crank. 4. Wash hands again after touching nasty crank. 5. Pull paper towel. 6. Curse at tiny bit of towel that rips off. 7. Use tiny bit of towel to turn nasty crank more without touching it again. 8. Curse at jammed crank. 9. Eye used paper towels in trash bin. 10. Think better of it. 11. Curse at situation in general. 12. Just leave, as hands have air-dried by now. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *HOW TO FOLD A BURRITO:* 1. Lay a tortilla flat. 2. Place a mound of filling in the center. 3. Fold it like a diaper. 4. Eww, you're going to eat that? (Kevin Dopart) *HOW TO PLACE MONEY IN THE CHURCH COLLECTION BASKET:* 1. While mouthing all-congregation hymn, reach into wallet and check money. 2. Finding three twenties and a $1 bill, hold basket indecisively for approximately 10 seconds. 3. Fold $1 bill into an unidentifiable square and bury in basket, covering your contribution with someone else's generous check. 4. Hastily pass basket on. Looking heavenward, continue mouthing hymn. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *HOW TO ANAGRAM ANY SERIES OF LETTERS: * //EASY! TOOLS IN SOFTWARE ARRANGE THEM! (Jesse Frankovich) [Yes, that's an anagram for the line above.] *HOW TO WRITE A WASHINGTON POST BOOK REVIEW:* 1. Note the title and the author. 2. Write about a somewhat related topic that interests you more. 3. Mention the book again in the final paragraph. (Kevin Dopart) *HOW TO ENTER THE STYLE INVITATIONAL: 1. Devote hours to crafting brilliant jokes. 2. Curate the 25 funniest ones into your entry. 3. Spend the next three weeks planning where to display your Lose Cannon. 4. Eagerly check the online results at 11:30am on Thursday. 5. Congratulate Jesse Frankovich on all his ink. 6. Go to Step 1. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *HOW TO COPE WITH LOSS: 1. Let your pain out. Scream as loud as you can in a solitary place, such as Montana. 2. Share your feelings with others. If you don't have any friends, well, I'm not that surprised. 3. Shift your focus. Remember the times that you didn't lose, if there ever were any. 4. Allow time to heal. But not more than a week, because you're bound to lose again. —The Empress (Jesse Frankovich) *Still running — TWO contests, both deadlined Monday night, June 11:* /--Week 1281: Put googly eyes on some object and take a funny photo of it. wapo.st/invite1281* --Week 1282: Write a funny caption for one of four Bob Staake cartoons. *wapo.st/invite1282 / ====================================================================== WEEK 1284, published June 17, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1284: Same difference — our compare/contrast contest Plus'z"ucch"ini' and other snarky 'air quotes' definitions(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) by Pat Myers June 14 Email the author // (Click here to skip down to the winning "air quotes" definitions) *The difference between the World Cup and armpit hair: This year, more Americans will be watching their armpit hair. ** "— Alex Ovechkin's smile* *"— a Roach Motel* *"— The print version of The Washington Post *"— dust bunnies* *"— the World Cup* *"— Florida Man* *"— Kim Jong Un's Porta-John* *"— a pound of scrapple *"— Oscar Wilde* *"— cold, hard facts* *"— armpit hair* *"— a North Korean beach vacation *"— a deck of 51 cards* *"— an emotional-support peacock* *"— the new Duchess of Sussex* *"— edible glitter* "— Justify's tail* *"— a coffee mug with a ceramic snake head inside "Our similarities outweigh our differences," it's often said by the hopeful. For this perennial contest, the Empress will take similarities /or/ differences, whatever's funnier. This week: Explain how any two of the items in the list above are similar, different or otherwise linked,* as in the example so handsomely illustrated by Bob Staake. One positive note: The last time we did this contest, 14 months ago, one of the items was "World War III." And that never happened! Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1284* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an ultra-cool, if ultra-creepy, large ceramic mug with a ceramic rattlesnake tail for a handle, scales on the outside . . . and the rest of the snake — culminating in a fangs-out ceramic snake head — coming right up the inside. From Invite fan Mary Ellen Stroupe, who got it at the Rattlesnake Museum in Albuquerque. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 25; results published July 15 (online July 12). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline 'Hij'inks' " was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Tom Witte; Kevin and Brad Alexander sent the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HIJ'INKS': THE WINNING 'AIR QUOTES' FROM WEEK 1280 *In*Week 1280 we asked you to insert "air quotes" into a word, then define it. "T'rump' " had already been done, not just in one of our own air quotes contests, but by the entire world. 4th place: *Pr"ogress"ive: Hillary. — D.T., Washington (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 3rd place: What better for a sleepy morning than a rattlesnake head emerging from your coffee cup? (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *Per"ha"ps:* Yeah, we should definitely do lunch sometime! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 2nd place /and the fart-noise-maker and euro-motif toilet paper: / *"Colon"ialism:* Exploiting another country till you've rectum. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Be"lie"ve me:* When a speech begins with this phrase, you know what to expect. (Brian Allgar, Paris) 'Not'able: Honorable mentions *F"rat p"arty:* "Man, this cheap beer tastes weird!" (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *"Mad"onna:* "I thought I told you to take a bath. No, it doesn't count if you just sit there on top of the water like that. JESUS, JUST GET IN THE TUB!" (Danielle Nowlin) *B"onan"za: Discovering your father's stash of Playboys. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Cele"brat"e:* "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Hy"pot"hesis:* "Hey, dude, I was thinking, like, what if, you know, like, wouldn't that be awesome?" (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Jer"USA"lem:* Foreign city with an irritating bit of America stuck in its middle. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *M"anus"cript:* Pages of rejected novel used as toilet paper. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Peg"gy P"eterson:* "$130,000 and she's still talking? What a rip-off!" — D. Dennison, Washington (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *R"oy" Moore and Har"vey" Weinstein:* Aunt Yetta warned me about guys like that. (Elaine Lederman, Strasburg, Va.) *Tech"nologic"al advancement:* A software update that now requires three steps to do what used to take one. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Ther"mom"eter: What you check to see if you are going to need a sweater. (Peter Ashkenaz, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) *Z"ucch"ini:* Zucchini. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Adole"scent":* "Honey, it's definitely time to wash those gym clothes." (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.; Rob Huffman) *"RIP"ple effect:* Why do celebrity deaths always seem to come in threes? (Dima Llanos, Middleton, Wis., a First Offender) *"Lite"rature:* "Man, this new James Patterson is great!" (Rob Huffman) *"Hide"ous:* "That vase you got me? Oh, I put it away so the kids won't break it." (Danielle Nowlin) *An"them": A patriotic song that "those people" won't stand for. (Kevin Dopart) *Ba"star"d: When you're one, you think you get to do anything. (Jeff Contompasis) *Ca"tech"ism:* Online Bible study. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *B"ED"bug: A problem in the sack. (Tom Witte, Montgomery, Village, Md.) *Dec"AF":* "This coffee is so @%!#*ing lame." (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Com"putin"g: How the Russians managed to hack the U.S. elections. (Brian Allgar) *H"iligh"t:* My best alternative fact. — K. Conway (Jeff Strong, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) *Discr"EPA"ncies:* What auditors found in Scott Pruitt's travel vouchers. (Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich) *E"NRA"ged:* Mad as hell that that the government wants to take your guns away. (Chris Doyle) *Ho"t rum p"unch:* Many folks thought it sounded good until they woke up and realized what a big headache it caused. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) *Im"pot"ent: Too high to even try. (Deanna Busick, Knoxville, Tenn.) *L"ex"us: She got the car. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *Immig"ration": This year we'll take a few non-swarthy Europeans . . . (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *P"ass"ing lane: The shoulder. (John Ramos, Duluth, Minn.) *Re"tire"ment: So much free time now! I can do any . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . . ."(Rob Huffman) *S"love"nia:* What Melania left behind years ago. (Kevin Dopart) *Yo"ga": "How was class? Oh, did you know there's a hole in the back of your pants?" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Cy"bern"etics: How Sen. Sanders plans to stay viable for another presidential run. (Jesse Frankovich) *V"ale"dictorian: Beer pong champion. (John Hutchins) *Sports Il"lust"rated: The Swimsuit Issue. (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.) *T"rue": Describing something that, while accurate, would have been better left unsaid (e.g., "Your sister sure looks hot in that bikini"). (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *"Ass"ociation: "I'm with stupid." (Luke Baker, Columbia, Md.) *Bom"bs"hells:* Your daily White House tweetstorm. (Kathy El-Assal) *E"norm"ous: The average size of Middle America's middle. (Kevin Dopart) *Cli"mate": Conditions that determine whether your partner runs hot or cold. "The cli'mate' in my bedroom has been chilly ever since my wife caught me watching our neighbor sunbathing topless." (Jon Gearhart) */And Last: /Sym"pat"hy:* However much the Empress might feel, it won't get you any ink. (Jesse Frankovich) *Still running — deadline Monday night, June 18: our contest to use a word from the National Spelling Bee in a short poem. See wapo.st/invite1283. ====================================================================== WEEK 1285, published June 24, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1285: Eye jinks — our googly photo winners And the new contest: Give us a trivia question with a comically wrong answer by Pat Myers June 21 Email the author //(Click here to skip down to this week's new contest) Feeling ground down lately with all the shameful news coming every which way, the Empress went for pure giggles in*Week 1281* , asking readers to paste googly eyes on things and take photos. But of course she welcomed funny captions and punny titles as well. First place, the winner of the Lose Cannon: [Googly eyes on the spoon ends of 2 sporks, side by side: "Actually, babe, spooning isn't what I had in mind." (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)] [EJC] 2nd place and the word balloon headband: [Googly eyes on an onion: "If I have one more french fry, I'm gonna hurl." (Nancy Summers, Potomac, a First Offender)] [EJC] 3rd place: [Googly eyes on bagel sticking up from toaster: It's just wrong to toast a bagel. (Kevin Dopart and daughter Althea Dopart, Washington)] [EJC] 4th place: [Googly eyes on electrical outlet: EYE SOCKETS (David Friedman, Indianapolis)] [EJC] Honorable mentions [Googly eyes with a mustache and cigar on the side of a man's hand, imitating Groucho Marx: "Let's have a show of hands: Who you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?" (Kevin Dopart, Washington)] [EJC] Google eyes on a manual typewriter: "Back so soon for another weeks of Invitational disappointment, Typewriter Boy?" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) [EJC] [Googly eyes on 2 hydrangeas: EYEDRANGEAS (Danielle Nowlin)] [EJC] [Googly eyes on the ground, above a leaf shaped like lips (Jeff Shirley, Richmond)] [EJC] [Googly eyes on a chainlink fence in front of a masonry building, a door in the building forming a mouth (Mary Kappus, Washington)] [EJC] [Googly eyes on the eyes of a child, who has a toy bee in her hands: The eyes of the bee-holder. (Danielle Nowlin)] [EJC] [Googly eyes on the eyes of Mike Pence in an official portrait: The Veneration of the Donald (Kevin Dopart)] [EJC] [Googly eyes on an escalator steop: Eyescalator (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)] [EJC] [3 Googly eyes on the duplicated image of a man's face: Symmetrical selfie. (Ken Gosse, Mesa, Ariz., a First Offender)] [EJC] [4 Googly eyes on a two-header parking meter: "I thought YOU had the quarters." (Mary Kappus)] [EJC] [Googly eyes on 2 ears of corn, next to a book about Euclid: EARS LOOKING AT EUCLID (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) [EJC] [Googly eyes on a naked Barbie's breasts: "Why are you staring at my face? My eyes are down here." (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)] [EJC] [Googly eyes on a leather disk, can't tell what it is, no fishwrap PDF that includes it (maybe a magnifying glass?): "Some days I just feel invisible." (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.)] [EJC] [Googly eyes on the side of a urinal flushing handle: GOOGLY CHROME (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)] [EJC] [Googly eyes on the end of a roll of toilet paper: Agggh! I just had my fortune told! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)] [EJC] [Googly eyes on the O on a poster, "EVERY THING is going to be OK": ... or maybe not. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.] [EJC] And, no, we didn't forget . . . *NEW CONTEST FOR WEEK 1285: THAT IS SO WRONG! *Q. What hideous, snake-haired woman had the power to turn people to stone with a single glance?* */Correct answer:/ Medusa. /So-wrong guess:/ Yo Mama? ** Q. A mother is parted from her child forever in the wrenching novel "Sophie's Choice," written by whom?* */Correct answer:/ William Styron. */So-wrong guess:/ Jeff Sessions? This week's contest was suggested by just-crowned Loser of the Year Duncan Stevens, who gained the title from his fellow Losers by getting more blots of Style Invitational ink (113!) in the past year than anyone else except two guys who'd won before (115! 161!!). In addition to all the Inviting (and competing in Ultimate Frisbee and running and being a parent to two adorables and even being a federal lawyer), Duncan recently joined the online trivia group LearnedLeague, which, along with the usual awards, also cites the most creative and amusing /wrong / answers. *This week: Supply a trivia question along with both the correct answer and a cleverly wrong "guess,"* as in Duncan's own examples above. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1285* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of six plastic golf tees in the shape of headless naked women of Barbie doll physique. They are execrable. Take them on your next jaunt to Mar-a-Lago. Donated by Loser Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 2; results published July 22 (online July 19). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; Bill Dorner wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *Still running — deadline Monday night, June 25: our contest to compare/contrast any two weird items on a list we provided. See wapo.st/invite1284. ====================================================================== WEEK 1286, published July 1, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1286: Mind your P's and B's (and more) An 'IHOB'-inspired neologism contest. Plus winning cartoon captions. It's a barachute! (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) by Pat Myers June 28 Email the author //(Click here to skip down to the winning captions for four Bob Staake cartoons) *Barachute: Pack one of these to ensure a soft landing when the bouncer tosses you out of the tavern.* *NBR: National Bubbly Radio: Specializing in good news about government and politics. (Airs 10 minutes per day.) * *Chiladelphia: You won't have a hot time in /this/ old town tonight. This week's contest was suggested by Loser John Folse, who was inspired by IHOP's name change (not really, except really stupid) to IHOB to promote the hamburgers on its menu: Replace one or more P's in a word, name or multi-word term with a B or with another letter and define or describe the result,* as in the examples above. Feel free to use it in a funny sentence. If the word has more than one P, you may leave one unchanged, but you can't change the P's into two different letters; as with all our change-a-letter neologism contests, the humor almost always works best when it's clear what the original word was. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1286* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, abrobos of this week's contest, a triangular Poo Pinata, emblazoned with the increasingly tiresome emoji. Presumably its name does not indicate what will be dumped on the person who cracks it open. Donated by Kyle Hendrickson, the longtime holder of the Cantinkerous trophy: That's awarded each year to the Loser who has been published most often in the Invite without ever winning first place. Kyle, with 101 blots of always-a-bridesmaid ink, is truly a loser among Losers. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 9; results published July 29 (online July 26). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Maim That Toon" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *MAIM THAT TOON: WINNING CAPTIONS FROM WEEK 1282* (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) In Week 1282*, we once again asked the Loser Community to write captions for four Bob Staake cartoons for which he had /nothing / in mind — and yes, we ran this contest the week /before/ the news broke about Scott Pruitt's desire for a used mattress from the Trump International Hotel . 4th place /Picture A: /The president fires yet another Cabinet member by tweet. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) 3rd place /Picture D: /"I need to see the papers of the two Chihuahuas who live here." (Frank Bruno, Columbia, Md.) 2nd place /and the Texas Blood Crawlers candy : / /Picture B: /"Jack, I still say a windshield and four tires for a mattress is a bad trade!" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: /Picture C: / "Well, Mom, if I had my own phone I could call 911." (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) The weak in pictures: Honorable mentions *PICTURE A:* (By Bob Staake for The Washington Post) "It'd be sort of like Uber, but for babies." (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) "We're all going for worms after work. I expect you to be there." (Frank Mann, Washington) "If your desk had long legs like mine, you wouldn't be sitting down there on your tuchus." (Roger Dalyrmple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Ernest wasn't happy with his watermelon bouquet from Edible Arrangements. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) "I hunt and peck. Does that count?" (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) "I was a much prouder mascot before NBC enabled Matt Lauer." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *PICTURE B:* (By Bob Staake for The Washington Post) "I don't care how thick it is, Scott, I'm not going to sleep on a used mattress from THAT hotel!" (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis; Jeff Strong, Fairfax, Va.) "You said you were going to take the little shampoos, maybe a hand towel . . ." (Frank Mann) "You're still going too fast — Mom fell off again." (Kenny Moore, Rocklin, Calif.) "I thought you said you were taking a /mistress."/ (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) Marge couldn't believe that she let her husband buy the tofu special at Costco. (Ralph Nitkin, Rockville, Md.; John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) "I've met some cheap pimps in my life, but . . . curb service?" (Elliott Jaffa, Arlington, Va.) *PICTURE C: (By Bob Staake for The Washington Post) "Are you sure this is how they did it on 'Breaking Bad'?" (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.; Kevin Dopart) It was early in their career that the high-diving act of the Amazing Three Wazudas became the Amazing Two Wazudas. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) "Hmm, it seems nine really is the limit." (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) "Daddy, why do you have hair there?" (J. Larry Schott) *PICTURE D: (By Bob Staake for The Washington Post) "I hate to complain, but your person keeps pooping on our lawn." (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) "Hello, I'm here to apply for the belly masseur position." (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) "I followed you home. Can you keep me?" (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) "Welcome home! Um, before you go inside, I'd like to remind you how uncomfortable you said those Ferragamo shoes were." (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) "Being sent to the doghouse" means something entirely different in Beverly Hills. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) "What did you do with the door, Bailey?" (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) You can't get elected dogcatcher in /this/ neighborhood. (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) "I admit that I crossed a line. And I deeply regret calling you a 'feckless runt.' " (Bill Dorner) *PICTURES A, B, C and D: *There's never a good time to be told, "You're fired." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, July 2: Our contest for funny answers to trivia questions. See wapo.st/invite1285 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1287, published July 8, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1287: Oldies for newsies — a song parody contest Plus the winning poems featuring National Spelling Bee words He won't learn your parody's lyrics either -- and likely wouldn't want to. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) by Pat Myers July 5 Email the author //(Click here to skip down to this week's winning poems from Week 1283) For this latest song parody contest, the Empress was planning to ask for song lyrics on some theme like food or sports. But dang it, it just seems wrong to steer our cadre of Loserbards away from What Is Happening to Our World. This week: Write some song lyrics about something in the news these days, set to a familiar tune. They should comprise at least one full verse. The songs I'll run in the print paper (including the top four winners) are likely to be very well known, and short; online, however, I'll include links to video clips of the original tunes, so we can include some deeper cuts so readers can follow along with the melodies. Feel free to submit your own videos, but it's the quality of the lyrics, not video production, that gets the ink. You get an extra week! Deadline is Monday night, July 23. That way it's less likely your lyrics will already be out of date by Aug. 5. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1287* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a cute li'l *squeeze toy consisting of a shark with a human foot sticking out of its mouth*; squeeze Sharkie and it sticks out farther. Now /that's/ a stress-reliever during beach season. Donated by Mike Creveling. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Results published Aug. 5 (online Aug. 2). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; Danielle Nowlin and Chris Doyle both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *BEE: OUR JEST — WINNING SPELLING-BEE POEMS FROM WEEK 1283* In Week 1283 we asked for humorous poems featuring any of 21 words that were used in this year's National Spelling Bee. Not surprisingly, our perennial Loserbards rose to the occasion. 4th place: *Lochetic,* /describing an animal that lies in wait for prey: / A small spider, lochetic, it lies In its web all day, seeking a prize, Which is fine, for it feels, When it comes to good meals, Time's fun when you're out having flies. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Now just relax and squeeze this stress reliever and watch the leg go in and out . . . 3rd place: *Grognard,* /an old soldier: /I worked for seven years inside a home for Jewish vets, Grognards who moaned and kvetched all day while venting their regrets. None bought the farm while I was there, so I am proud to say That /my /old soldiers never died; they just oy-veyed away. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 2nd place and the bar of soap with real rolled-up money inside: *Amadelphous,* /gregarious, tending to live in herds:/ /(A poem on a joke that's been making the rounds) / Young Justify was quite a guy, the amadelphous sort, With poise and equine-imity, well liked within his sport. And could he run! A thundering blast of hoofs and heart and hide; His Derby, Preakness, Belmont wins were fully Justified. And when his feat was thus complete "" he'd won the Triple Crown, He heard the brays and whinnied praise for garnering renown. Neighed he upon his triumph, when a White House visit beckoned, "If I want to see a horse's arse, I would've come in second." (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Nan Reiner incorporated "perduellion," "grognards" and "whyos" into a parody of "Camelot" that she recorded on YouTube. (Screen image) *Cointise /(kwan-TEEZ), a scarf given by a lady to a knight for him to wear on his armor:/ Said the damsel, "I'm building my brand — My cointise is in such high demand That it waves in the breeze By the twos and the threes: I won't do with a mere one-knight stand." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Bumbled bees: Honorable mentions *Ankyloglossia* /(ankle-o-glossia): A condition in which the tongue has limited movement:/ *I. Hycophant, sycophant, When in Trump's Cabinet Meetings, you either must Rain the praise down Or dash a note claiming Ankyloglossia: Can't use your tongue, but your Nose is still brown. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Ankyloglossia II A genie said to Donald Trump, "There's just one wish I'll toss ya." "Deal!" cried Donnie, and he gave Mike Cohen ankyloglossia. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Ankyloglossia III* I try to please the women I date With what women want — or so they all state: Humor, intelligence, listening back, But all is for naught; I've a rare lingual lack, A flaw that prevents me from making them tingle: Ankyloglossia's why I am single. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) ** Debellation, /conquest: / /A limerick of anagrams: / DEBELLATION is conquering—we Must to him ALL OBEDIENT be. With the leader we've got, We'll be BLEEDIN' A LOT, As he's LIABLE TO END being free. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Debellation II *On a battlefield things get misheard, As when Patton, while in a formation, Doffed his helmet to say just one word To his troops, and that word, "debellation," Was so badly misread that the column stopped dead, And they waxed all his hair off instead. (Frank Osen) *Besticulture,* /the exploitation of wild animals for eating, as in hunting and fishing: /A manly pursuit is besticulture When you have mouths to feed, But it becomes the worst o' culture If an AK's what you need. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville) *Catachresis, /incorrect use of a word: /My catachrestic family! Folks correct us, /Inferring / that our usage is a mess, But their/discrete reprisals /won't/effect/ us 'Cause /all and all,/ we frankly /could care less./ Our language skill is /fulsome, /and we/flout/ it, Not /phased /by all the references they/site./ /Except/ it, 'cause there's /no two bones about it:/ /For all intensive purposes, /we're right. (Duncan Stevens) *Myrmecophagous, /feeding on ants: /I may be myrmecophagous, But I have a clean esophagus. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Amadelphous, /living in herds or flocks: / We're amadelphous, we're birds of a feather, We're constantly living in fear, When kitty cats find us hanging together, We just get the flock out of here. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) *Cointise, /a scarf, etc., given by a lady to a knight to display: / "A cointise," I begged Miss Upton, "some item of your clothes — I'll brandish it to show the world that you're my wife-to-be." But my swimsuit-model sweetie's still a secret no one knows, For the garments that she gave me are all much too small to see. (Duncan Stevens) *//Lochetic, /lying in wait:/ Lochetic, she waits for her innocent prey, Then springs like a sprinter takes off from the block! Engaged in a violent, merciless fray, My cat has successfully captured my sock. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Beloid, /arrow-shaped: / I shot an arrow in the air. It fell to earth. I heard you swear. You'd be unscathed and un-annoyed If I'd yelled, "Duck!" not "Look out, beloid." (Frank Osen) *Winklepickers, /pointy-toed shoes that were a fad among rock-and-roll fans in 1950s Britain: / With winklepickers on our feet, We'd rock it out till dawn. The loud guitars! The pulsing beat! We really got it on! Regrettably, our time is past, We're gimpy, old and sick — But who of us could hope to last As long as Keith and Mick? (Mark Raffman) *Squabash, /to criticize harshly: / /(Three parodies of"Wabash Cannonball") / From a smartphone at the White House to the boundless Twittersphere, He types another put-down, every word a vicious smear. His game is vitriolic, his goal a verbal brawl, With degrading communication, he's the Squabash Cannonball. (Matt Monitto) From the downtown trattorias to the crab shacks by the shore, She pans the dining-out spots, gives 'em all a one-star score. "And if they'd let me do it, I would give no stars at all!" And she signs her vicious Yelp reviews "The Squabash Cannonball." (Frank Osen) I listen to the critics and the cavilers complain About the lack of sleepers and a bar car on this train. From Tennessee to Birmingham, their captious free-for-all Suggests that I am riding on the Squabash Cannonball. (Chris Doyle) *Fourrier /(pronounced "furrier"), something that comes before; a precursor: / "Don't go pulling our leg! Was it chicken or egg? Answer quickly, we're all in a hurry here!" So after a bit, quoth one logical wit: "It was whichever one was the fourrier." (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) *Fourrier II * *"The young man was a furrier," I thought his lover said. I pictured hot, impassioned nights with mink-lined sheets abed. But she said, "I misunderstood; 'twas not romantic lore: The word, she spoke was fourrier, defined as "comes before." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Propylaeum, /the vestibule to a Roman temple: / Your body is a temple I worship toes to hair What I'd give for a chance to see 'em! I raise my ardent torch to your vaunted beauty rare But can't get it through your propylaeum. (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.) *Whyo, /a gangster:/ /(to the tune of "Ohio" from "Wonderful Town")/ Whyo, whyo, whyo: Don't ever list it in your bio. One-eyed MacGreavey, reviewing your CV, Will think you're some fancy-pants snob. "Bandit," "thief" or "bagman," Good, honest words show you can rob, But if the word "whyo" appears in your bio, No gang will give you a job. (Max Gutmann, Sunnyvale, Calif.) *Verrucous* /(ve-RU-cus), warty: / My bride's nose was dripping mucus, Which ran down her face verrucous To her shawl, But my vows said "for worse or better": "Yes," I told the priest, "I'll wed her, Warts and all." (Duncan Stevens) *Succiniferous* /(SUCK-si-NIF-erous): Yielding amber./ Hunting gold, on a road with no camber, Down valleys, up mountains they'd clamber. Their cursing? Vociferous: "Man, that's succiniferous!" When they learned that they'd only found amber. (Frank Osen) *Perduellion /(treachery),/ grognards, whyos: /(To "Camelot"; see Nan Reiner perform her parody here ) / //A coup was scored a coupla years ago here by Putin, Bannon and a Facebook bot. Perduellion's now the longest-running show here in Trumpalot. The rubes were all riled up that sad November; the racists and the Russkies stirred the pot. A king with tiny hands (and tiny member?) has Trumpalot. Trumpalot! Trumpalot! Grognards in Congress are de-spined, While in Trumpalot, Trumpalot, the Cabinet whyos rob us blind. That Mueller guy is on a wicked "witch hunt," though he's been GOP his whole career "¦ In short, there's simply not a ripe-for-plucking spot to con the dumb and gullible like here in Trumpalot. (Nan Reiner) /And Last: / *Bondieuserie, /bad religious art: / I rendered her an icon — the Empress with a halo — Submitted, with my entries, this bondieuserie; She still turned down my jokes about Kardashians and J-Lo, But told me that my painting "sure was Losery." (Duncan Stevens) *Still running — deadline Monday night, July 9: our neologism contest to replace P's in a word with other letters. See wapo.st/invite1286 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1288, published July 15, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1288: Your results may vary—write a funny disclaimer/warning Plus: How are dust bunnies like the World Cup? Our compare/contrast winners.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) by Pat Myers July 12 Email the author // (Click here to skip down to the winners of our contest to compare/contrast any two items on the list we gave) *"Do not let this bottle serve you as an inspiration to call your ex in a pathetic attempt to get back together. Some very fine grapes have died in the making of this wine. Show some respect." That disclaimer, shared all over the Internet and who knows where else, appears (in a photo, at least) on a bottle of "Soggy Bottom Boys Sauvignon Blanc 2012." That particular vintage — or even the label — doesn't seem to exist, alas. But that doesn't make it any less useful as an inspiration for a contest, this one suggested by 65-time Loser Bill Spencer: Write a funny disclaimer or warning for some product or service, as in the example above that Bill showed us. Be sure not to say untrue bad things (at least that anyone could think was real) about a particular real person or organization; we don't want to libel anyone. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1288* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, courtesy of Loser Nan Reiner of South Florida, a SnoBall Battle Pack:* "Create your own snow for all year round snowball fights." Not only are the balls (which you make from a bag of powder) not cold; one of the ingredients is "Parfum (strawberry)." In Florida, you take what you can get, I suppose. And of course you're wondering: Is there a warning on the package? Yup, nine lines of it, including DO NOT EAT. And it's supposed to be a snowball. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 23; results published Aug. 12 (online Aug. 9). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *THOUGHTS AND PAIRS: REPORT FROM WEEK 1284* ** Week 1284 was our perennial contest in which the Empress put up a list of random nouns (solicited from the Facebook group Style Invitational Devotees ) and asked you to explain how any two were similar, different or otherwise connected. "A deck of 51 cards" led to a slew of entries about Florida Man, Kim Jong Un or the Current Occupant "being short of a full deck," and to Alex Ovechkin's smile missing something as well. And then there were the valiant if convoluted efforts to make some connection, like: "Oscar Wilde: Penned 'The Importance of Being Earnest.' Roach Motel: Penned roaches, but also they import ants, if being earnest." 4th place: How is*Florida Man* like a pound of scrapple?* Both are usually cooked before breakfast. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Snowballs in July, donated by Florida Woman. (VAT19.COM) 3rd place: A Roach Motel* is like a North Korean beach vacation: Neither one has ever gotten a bad review from a guest. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) 2nd place and the coffee mug with a ceramic snake head inside : How the World Cup* is different from dust bunnies:* In the World Cup you see Lionel Messi, and dust bunnies you see lyin' all messy. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: The difference between*the print version of The Washington Post *and*Florida Man: I'm happy to find one of them lying on my doorstep at 5 a.m. (Jerome Uher, Alexandria, Va.) Wishful linking: Honorable mentions *Dust bunnies* are often found under a bed. Florida Man is often found under arrest. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The difference between an emotional-support peacock and Justify's tail:* When the peacock's tail is raised, it reveals one of nature's most beautiful sights. With the other, it's a bit less inspiring. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) A North Korean beach vacation: Better not grab that poster! Justify's tail: Better not grab that posterior! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Alex Ovechkin's smile* and an emotional-support peacock:* They have approximately the same number of teeth. (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) A deck of 51 cards* and*Kim Jong Un's Porta-John each contain a least a few deuces. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) For both the World Cup and a North Korean beach vacation*, one of the main activities is taking a dive. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) The difference between the World Cup* and the new Duchess of Sussex *[the former Meghan Markle]: The World Cup has floppers, while the duchess is still a young woman. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) How are the World Cup* and the new*Duchess of Sussex* the same? Neither has anything to do with America anymore. (Nick Semanko, Washington) *Dust bunnies* vs. a North Korean beach vacation: One's bound to be found under your bed, with the other, you're found bound and underfed. (Frank Osen) The difference between*Kim Jong Un's Porta-John* and Justify's tail:* One is found /above/ a horse's arse. (David Smith, Stockton, Calif., traveling in Japan) The difference between dust bunnies and Justify's tail is that my dust bunnies are more than three years old. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *Cold, hard facts:* Shocks. An emotional-support peacock: Struts. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Both the new Duchess of Sussex and the print version of The Post *involve a splash of color on a whole lot of gray. (Duncan Stevens) The new*Duchess of Sussex and the*print Post:* You won't find either at Mike Pence's lunch table. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) The print Post* vs.*a pound of scrapple:* One uses a lot of ink, the other a lot of oink. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *Cold, hard facts:* Dismal reality. A Roach Motel:* Dismal realty. (Beverley Sharp) Neither the Roach Motel* or cold, hard facts seem to have much checking out going on. (Edward Gordon, Austin) A Roach Motel vs. the print Post: The Post gets the job done faster. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) The*print Post vs. a Roach Motel: You might actually find a Roach Motel in a D.C. millennial's kitchen. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) A pound of scrapple vs. armpit hair: You'll never catch a European with a pound of Scrapple. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City, Md.) A pound of scrapple vs. an emotional-support peacock:* If you're really hungry, I suppose you could eat the peacock. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *A pound of Scrapple* vs. Florida Man: The pound of scrapple has more gray matter. (Tom Witte) *Edible glitter:* Messy. *The World Cup: Messi. *Florida Man:* Methy. (Jesse Frankovich) *Kim Jong Un's Porta-John vs. an emotional-support peacock:* One is the UTMOST KOREAN PLACE I CAN POOP! The other is an anagram of that. (Jesse Frankovich) A coffee mug with a ceramic snake head inside* vs.*Kim Jong Un's Porta-John: One has a scary head sitting inside the mug; the other has a scary mug sitting inside the head. (Cathy Lamaze, Silver Spring, Md.) Unlike Justify's tail,* a coffee mug with a ceramic snake head inside *is going to belong to a Loser. (John Hutchins) *Dust bunnies* and cold, hard facts are both easily swept under the rug in the White House. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.; Stephen Dudzik; Frank Osen) *Cold, hard facts* and Florida Man:* Both are certifiable. (Jesse Frankovich) *Kim Jong Un's Porta-John* and armpit hair:* No one has to pretend that armpit hair smells wonderful. (Duncan Stevens) *Kim Jong Un's Porta-John* and a deck of 51 cards:* You wouldn't want to play Go Fish with either one. (Frank Osen) The print Post and cold, hard facts*: Both are things the president doesn't subscribe to. (Jesse Frankovich) *Kim Jong Un's Porta-John* and the print Post:* One is full of crap and one belongs to a great leader. — D.J.T., Washington (Cindi Rae Caron, Pawleys Island, S.C.) * *Still running — deadline Monday, July 23: Our contest for song parodies about the news. See wapo.st/invite1287. ====================================================================== WEEK 1289, published July 22, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1289: Fake gnus — animal fictoids Plus winning wrong-but-creative answers to trivia questions In the Southern Hemisphere, a falling cat always lands on its back.(Not.) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) by Pat Myers July 19 Email the author // (Click here to skip down to the winningly wrong answers to trivia questions) *In the Southern Hemisphere, a falling cat always lands on its back.* (Bob Mulvaney) *Bats urinate only while perched upside down. The noxious odor coats their bodies with a scent that repels predators. (Patrick Mattimore) *Director Chuck Jones based the Porky Pig character on a real stuttering pig his parents once owned.* (Brendan Beary) This week's results got the Empress in the mood for another call for totally bogus trivia. This week: Tell us a fictoid — a humorously false "fact" — about the nonhuman animal kingdom, as in the examples above; all of them were inking entries in our first, general fictoid contest, Week 702 back in 2007. (Amazingly, a full 11 years later, each of them is still untrue, as far as we know.) Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1289* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a triple-pack of *Useless but Nifty Paired Animal-Appendage Finger Ornaments* — tentacles, cat paws, and human hands — donated by Loser Ann Martin. Plus one Elephant Trunk Finger Ornament,* from Inge Ashley. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 30; results published Aug. 19 (online Aug. 16). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "To Err Is Humor" is by Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *TO ERR IS HUMOR: THE WRONG ANSWERS OF WEEK 1285* In Week 1285* the Empress asked for a typical trivia question accompanied by a humorously wrong answer. 4th place: *Q: Centuries before it became traditional, Archduke Maximilian of Austria became the first recorded person to give what to his bride-to-be?* /Correct:/ A diamond engagement ring. /Bad guess:/ Chlamydia? (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Second-place liar about animals gets all these appendages plus a finger-elephant-trunk. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) 3rd place: *Q: What color are Smurfs?* /Correct: / Blue. /Wrong: / Red, after they've been steamed. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) 2nd place and the horrible golf tees shaped like women's bodies: *Q. Which North American mammal nests in other mammals' bedding?* /Correct:/ The short-tailed weasel. /So wrong:/ Scott Pruitt. (Well, actually . . .) (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Q. Where does the expression "Hasta la vista, baby" come from? /Correct: /The movie "Terminator 2." /Wrong guess: / The Spanish proficiency test for ICE agents? (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) The alt-wrong: Honorable mentions *Q: The NFL recently announced that what action will incur a penalty?* /Correct:/ Hitting with the helmet. /Guess: /Offending Donald Trump? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Q: Au is the symbol for what chemical element? /Correct:/ Gold. /Incorrect: / Cutekittium. (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.) *Q: And which element is Pb?* /Correct:/ Lead. /Guess:/ Peanut butter? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Q: What fabled angry little troll would take away your firstborn child if you couldn't guess his name? /Correct:/ Rumpelstiltskin. /So wrong!: /Jeff Sessions? (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Q: Cheddar cheese originated in which country?* /Correct: /England. /Guess: /Kraftghanistan? (Tom Witte) *Q: What is the only Division I college team to take its nickname from a U.S. politician?* /Correct:/ The Austin Peay Governors. /Incorrect:/ The Syracuse Orange. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) *Q: What state was named for one Thomas West? /Nope: /West Virginia? /Correct:/ Delaware: West was Baron de la Warr. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *Q: In response to current events, this business recently changed its name, removing any reference to its founder.* / Correct:/ Trump SoHo Hotel. /Wrong:/ Edward Coli Lettuce Farms. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *Q. During a Passover Seder, what is traditionally said regarding strangers who are poor and have no place to go?* /Correct:/ "Let all who are hungry come and eat!" /NOT correct:/ "WOMP, WOMP." (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *Q: Per a recent fad, what "spy" is placed inside a house, reporting back to Santa on who has been naughty and nice?* /Correct:/ The Elf on the Shelf. /Guess:/ Alexa? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *Q. Who famously said, "I never met a man I didn't like"? /Correct:/ Will Rogers. /Incorrect: /Hannibal Lecter. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Q: The band Imagine Dragons claims its name is an anagram. Which one did the group most likely have in mind?* /Most likely:/ Raging Mad Noise. /Least likely:/ Gonad Migraines. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Q. The Bill of Rights is composed of how many amendments? /Correct:/ Ten. /So wrong: /One: the Second. — D.J.T. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) *Q. What does the acronym NASA stand for?* / Correct: /The National Aeronautics and Space Administration. /Incorrect:/ Not, Apparently, a Space Agency (Dan Helming) *Q. What renowned theater figure said, "There are no small parts, only small actors"? / Correct:/ Konstantin Stanislavski. /Oh, no:/ Peter Dinklage. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Q: Who was the lead of the pop group Spanky and Our Gang? ** /Correct:/ Elaine McFarlane. /Wrong: /Stormy Daniels. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Q. Where is Mount Rushmore?* /Correct:/ //South Dakota. /Guess: / New York City? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Q. On what date did the South surrender?* /Correct:/ April 9, 1865. /Alternative answer: /It did? (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) *Q: In "Of Mice and Men," what California man wants only to pet bunnies? /Correct: /Lennie. /Not at all correct: / Hugh Hefner? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Q. An ancient-alien theorist is a person who believes what? / Correct: /That extraterrestrials helped humankind to develop civilization. /Alternative answer:/ Anything. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Q: What was Richard M. Nixon's middle name?* /Correct:/ Milhous. /Noooo: /Madhous. (Dinah Rokach, Silver Spring, Md.) *Q: Who composed the Minute Waltz?* /Correct: /Frédéric Chopin. /Guess:/ George Minute? (Art Grinath) *Q: What is the heaviest naturally occurring substance found on Earth? /Correct:/ Uranium. /Guess:/ Urmama? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Q: What 10th-century Buddhist text established the line of succession of Dalai Lamas?* /Correct:/ The Book of Kadam. /Guess: /"Children of a Lhasa God"? (Chris Doyle) *Q: What is the slogan of Melania Trump's public-service campaign?* /Correct:/ "Be best." /So wrong:/ "Be best." (Lisbeth McCarty, Norman, Okla., a First Offender) *Still running — both deadlined Monday night, July 23: Song parodies about the news (wapo.st/invite1287); and *Disclaimers and product warnings (wapo.st/invite1288 )*. *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1290, published July 29, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1290: Bobbing for Witte words We celebrate a 25-year Loser with a neologism contest Speaking in the furnacular. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) by Pat Myers July 26 Email the author //(Click here to skip down to this week's replace-the-P neologism winners.) /"Oooooooooh, you're my baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby! Heeeeeeere, honey sweetness snookums! The way people talk to pets is unlike the way they talk to anyone or anything else. The cutesy, sing-songy voice that people use to address pets is called . . ." / furnacular.* (Neologism by Tom Witte in Bob Levey's contest, 2002) /*"While some kids are having sex at younger and younger ages, others are actually waiting longer. Someone who waits a really long time is called a cherryatric.* / (Neologism by Tom Witte in Style Invitational Week 542, 2004) With his honorable mention this week,**Loser Since Week 7 Tom Witte blots up his 1,500th blot of Style Invitational ink, a feat accomplished previously only by Russell Beland and Chris Doyle. Along the way in those 25-plus years, Tom has won the whole contest 29 times and has been a runner-up a crazy 105 times over. But the Invite isn't the only vehicle in The Post in which Tom has shown off his facility with wordplay, especially in coining new words: From 1993 through 2003, Tom was lauded dozens of times by longtime Metro columnist Bob Levey in his monthly neologism contest. While the Invite and the Bob had different formats — Bob would offer one situation that needed a word for it, and everyone would submit neologisms for that single instance — another signal difference was that the entries Bob would run were always G-rated, while those from the Invite are often . . . well, not G-rated. Tom is obviously good at both blue and beige, but has become notorious here in Loserdom for the spicy. Back in 2004, the Empress celebrated Bob's retirement by running a Levey-style neologism contest, except that you also had to submit a situation. With Tom's Triple Hall of Fame ascension, we thought we'd do it again: This week: Come up with both an object/situation and a neologism for it, as in Tom's examples above. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1290* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a useful but Offensive to Everyone gadget: a bottle opener in the form of a guitar that is held by a little wooden stick-figure man. Who is painted black. And wearing a sombrero. And a hoop earring. It was made in Japan, back when Japan made knickknacks. Donated by Loser Matt Monitto. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 6; results published Aug. 26 (online Aug. 23). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . Chris Doyle, Jesse Frankovich and Jon Gearhart all submitted the headline "P's Out"; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. This week we'll feature the results of our 2004 Levey homage. So especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1290 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *P'S OUT: WINNING AND LOSING NEOLOGISMS FROM WEEK 1286* **In Week 1286,* inspired by IHOP's momentary change of name to IHOB, the Empress asked you to replace one or more P's in a word, name or phrase with some other letter and define the result. Many people suggested "Trumb," as in, well, not "numb." 4th place: *Ingut/Outgut:* Middle-aged guy's reflex when a young woman passes at the beach. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) 3rd place: *IHOB:* International House O'Besity (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) 2nd place and the Poo Pinata : *Muerto Rico:* Where paper towels just didn't do the trick. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *The Tee-Tee Tapes: Compromising videos of the president swinging and missing a golf ball. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Wower failures: Honorable mentions *Limp my ride:* What I did when I added the child seat to my muscle car. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Bride goeth before the fall:* What Vanessa Trump wrote under "reason" when filing for divorce from Don Jr. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Banacea:* A remedy for all political troubles. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) *Foultry:* Chicken /way/ past its sell-by date. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Lackage deal: A not-so-"inclusive" vacation. "Oh, you want potable water on your cruise? There /is/ a nominal extra fee for that." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) *Mediatricians:* Spin doctors. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Mommin' Fresh: Mascot for a fertility clinic ("Look who's got a bun in the oven!"). (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *The national wastime:* Head down, phone in hand, 18 hours a day. (Lennie Magida, Frederick, Md.) *Russy-whipped:* How Trump emerged from the summit. (Frank Osen) *"Womb, womb!": SCOTUS in 2019, telling women where to stuff it (and keep it stuffed)? (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) *Beer review:* Highly popular volunteer work among academics. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *Blaster of Paris:* A French horn. (Joe Ruane, Dunmore, Pa.) *Blaque:* /Really/ nasty stuff on your teeth. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) *Bomb and Circumstance:* What they play at graduation at Terrorism U. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Broductivity:* I did 10 keg stands and crushed 20 beers in 30 minutes, dude! (Jessica Garber, Washington, a First Offender) *Burple:* The color that comes out when your toddler decides to eat a whole jar of grape jelly. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Buu-buu blatter:* An inept Polynesian trombonist. (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) *C-3BO:* Day 2 at Comic-Con. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) *Bryce Harmer:* One way or another he is going to do some damage with that bat. (Bruce Johnson, Churchton, Md.) *Carbe diem:* Cheat day on your keto diet. (Pam Sweeney) *Combatible:* Fights well with others. (Jeff Strong, Fairfax, Va.) *Cornos:* Movies for foot fetishists. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Costpartum depression:* What sinks in when you see the obstretician's bill. (Beverley Sharp) *Dudenda:* The surprise from that one scene in "The Crying Game." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Dumbster fire:* A crisis of a moron's own making. (Jesse Frankovich) *Emberor:* A ruler who fiddles while his land burns. "The emberor spent the weekend playing golf at his seaside villa." (Frank Osen) *Estresso:* /Really/ strong coffee. (Larry Gray) *Geekaboo:* Baby's First Coding Project. (Beverley Sharp) *Harpy birthday:* On Dec. 8, wish it on Ann Coulter. (Kathy El-Assal) *Hater Noster:* Prayer to the deity that created mosquitoes and Justin Bieber. (Mark Raffman) *Hatriotism:* We don't need no stinkin' immigrants! MAGA! (David Young, Falmouth, Mass.) *Holygraph:* "Remember, that's a Bible you're swearing on . . . " (Roy Ashley) *Kiñata:* One who's routinely bashed by one's family. (Jerome Uher, Alexandria, Va.) *Lootholes: Loopholes. (Jesse Frankovich) *Mathetic:* Unable to balance one's checkbook. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.) *Nana's Got a Brand New Bag:* The tune Grandma whistles on her way home from the Coach boutique. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) *Naypal:* A friend without benefits. (Antonym: Yaypal.) (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Scammi:* Shrimp nuggets with garlic powder. (Mark Raffman) *Snotify:* Streaming only the highest-quality music to a very selective group of subscribers. You probably wouldn't qualify. (Roy Ashley) *Tennsylvania:* Home of the chicken-fried cheesesteak. (Mark Raffman) *Tizza:* The most popular dish at Hooters. (Melissa Balmain) *Toilet gaper:* A commode with the seat up. "There's nothing like the surprising chill of sitting down on a toilet gaper in the dark." (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *Ugholstery:* Fabric used for covering sofas in the 1970s. (Jesse Frankovich) *Yentathlon:* Bubbe and her sisters at every family get-together. (Brendan Beary) *"A Whiter Shade of Male":* Neo-Nazi anthem. (Frank Mullen III) *Abathy: "Eh, who needs a six-pack? My cat likes me better this way anyway." (Jeff Strong) *Bar for the Course:* A beer cooler that fits in a golf bag. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Barabola:* The "straight line" a drinker walks when pulled over by the police. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Barsimony:* Leaving the pub just when the next round is on you. (Warren Tanabe) *Be-a-Body Award:* Recognition first given to Kevin Costner for playing a corpse in "The Big Chill" (John McCooey) *Bedestrian:* "Any fireworks with the you-know-who last night, Stormy?" "Nope, pretty bedestrian." (Duncan Stevens) *Zenultimate:* It is not the last. It is not the next-to-last. There were never any. Have some more. (Brendan Beary) *Fake News:* I TOLD YOU THERE WAS NEVER ANY P! (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) *Loseurs:* Witty, sophisticated humorists pretending to be juvenile, crude boors with a poop fixation. (John McCooey) *Still running — deadline Monday night, July 30: our contest for fake trivia about animals. See wapo.st/invite1289. ====================================================================== WEEK 1291, published August 5, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1291: Film flam — movie anagrams Plus possibly our best political song parodies ever (though we always say that)(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) by Pat Myers August 2 Email the author // (Click here to skip down to the winning and Losing song parodies about the news) *Batman* anagrams to*Tab Man:* In the sequel, the Caped Crusader switches to diet soda to slim down for his leotard. *Wonder Woman —> Nerd Moan: 'Wow'!* Socially maladjusted guys have a hard time accepting their powerful new female friend. *The Hunger Games —> He Hung Gamester:* A narcissistic autocrat tries to punish athletes who don't observe patriotic rituals to his liking. This week's contest was suggested by Seriously Funny Loser Duncan Stevens, who wins yet another free milkshake from the Empress. It's a simple concept: Rearrange the letters of a title of a movie or play to make a new title, then describe the new work,* as in Bob Staake's and Duncan's examples above. Even though there are bajillions of movies and plays out there — or at least 1.2 bajillion — there's an excellent chance that someone else will come up with the very same anagram that you do. And so a funny description will be paramount. Perhaps a line of dialogue could help. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1291* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two brand-new rolls of Who Gives a Crap "premium" toilet paper made entirely of ecologically correct bamboo fibers. Donated by Loser Barbara Turner, whose name only coincidentally anagrams to Rear-Burnt Arab. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 13; results published Sept. 2 (online Aug. 30). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was submitted separately by five people; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *RHYTHM & NEWS: SONG PARODIES FROM WEEK 1287* *Week 1287 was yet another of our contests for songs about the news, set to familiar tunes. As always, the Empress was deluged with crazy-brilliant lyrics to songs ranging from nursery rhymes to obscure medieval carols to long raps to a full-length reworking of "American Pie." Before each of the parodies is a link to a video or audio clip — some are performed by the Losers themselves — from which you can hear the melody of the original song while you read the new lyrics. And right on the page is a new video by Sandy Riccardi, who with husband Richard performs parodies in clubs around the country, but is a First Offender in Loserdom; Sandy's lyrics are right on the video. 4th place: *Maria Butina (I) To"Maria" from "West Side Story"* Maria! I fell for a spy named Maria! With hair of flaming red, A tiger-cat in bed, ooo-weee! Maria! I didn't have any idea That Putin pulled your strings! What if tomorrow brings A plea? Maria! Now my hair's prematurely graying! For a pardon from Trump I am praying. Maria . . . I'm done NRA-ing, Maria! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 3rd place: *Maria Butina (II)* *To "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" from "The Sound of Music"* How do you solve a problem like Maria? What do you with Russian meddling nigh? How do you find a term that means "Maria"? An enemy agent? An operative? A spy? Many's the things you know you shouldn't've told her, Now that she's compromised the NRA, 'Cause when she was there in bed, she heard all the things you said, Now how do you strike a deal with DOJ? Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you keep those Putin goons at bay? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place and the squeeze toy of a shark with a foot in its mouth: *To "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me" Praise me! Praise me! Lavish me with kudos that amaze me, raise me Up above my foes and then just praise me, praise me, Make me think that I'm the greatest prez. Laud me! Laud me! Lay out all the ways that folks applaud me, applaud me, Cite Rasmussen polls until you've awed me, awed me, Show me how I'm loved, like Rudy says. They told me, "Be sensible in the White House. This job's not the easiest you will find." But they didn't know I'd have the right House To give me what I want and drive the nation out of its mind. Back me! Back me! Defend me from the flak when folks attack me, smack me So I can bigly win again in 2020, And turn this country back to '52. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *To "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do"* (Nan Reiner sings her parody here ) **My FBI is mean to me, Ever since we sandbagged Hillary. They won't screw who I tell them to, And coverup is hard to do. So I installed the Keebler Elf To be loyal, not recuse himself And eschew my cagey coup! Oh, coverup is hard to do. I sold them all a big-league beautiful tale; Fixed Junior's mail to cover our trail. Pulled rabbits outta my . . . hat To keep the feds from getting at my trillion-ruble laundromat. My goons bought off the girls I sleazed; Now my fixer's files have all been seized. That just grew into deeper poo; Yes, coverup is hard to do. To send my kids to jail would be very sad! I'm their dad, but what about Vlad? He's got me under his thumb; Instead of being my best chum, he'd slip me some polonium! I can't keep track of every crime, And pretty soon it will be Mueller Time. Low IQ is my Waterloo, 'Cause coverup is hard to do. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) Noise media: Honorable mentions Sandy Riccardi, Petaluma, Calif., a First Offender To "You Can't Get a Man With a Gun"* from*"Annie Get Your Gun"* (written and performed by Sandy Riccardi, Petaluma, Calif., a First Offender, accompanied by Richard Riccardi) I'm quick on the trigger, With targets not much bigger than Your Country I'm number one I'm Maria Butina The M-16 Tsarina Yes, I can get a man with a gun My Espiona-ge (helped by my decoll'ta-ge) Gave me bullseyes, My job well done For my shot penetrated, Your Congress I invaded Oh I can get a man with a gun With a gun With a gun Oh I can get a man with a gun With Russians as claimants The NRA made payments to Trump's cam-paign (The one he won) And though he made a stinky (That summit in Helsinki) I'm aglow! I passed dough from Moscoe, Harasho! See, I can get a man with a gun *"You Can't Get a Man With a Gun" (II) with introduction (See Nan Reiner's video here.) Oh, in Russia they taught us to defeat U.S.A., All you need is a sweet "honey pot." I took aim, and I quickly came to beat NRA: So how did I get what I've got? I fondle the trigger and grow the bankroll bigger With each needy Republi-cun. Just a tease with my trifles, and they stand up like rifles; Oh, you can grab a man by the gun . . . My arms are for baring, my charms appear for sharing With each gullible simpleton. Dressed in camo and flannel, they flock to my back channel; Oh, you can grab a man by the gun. By the gun "" Bang! He's done. Yes, you can grab a man by the gun"¦ A quick okie-doke'll make some Dakota yokel Think that I think that he's "the one." Not a man said to me, "Nix!" I squeezed some GOP-niks. Putin's plants see our chance with a glance at their pants. Yes, you can grab a man by the gun. (Nan Reiner) *To "Eleanor Rigby" Vladimir Putin Picks up the phone with instructions for President Trump. "Go to it! Jump! And don't you forget, Don, All of the dirt that I've got on you won't go away: Do as I say." All the stupid people Are feeling rather sick — All those stupid people Who voted for the idiot. Half-witted Donald Has to obey him, whatever his master may ask, That is his task; Sneering at NATO, Treating his allies with scorn and contempt is his scheme, And Putin's dream. All the stupid people Who voted for the twit, All those stupid people Are now in deepest (trouble). (Brian Allgar, Paris) *The Space Force Hymn To the Marines' Hymn : *From the desert sands of Tatooine to the icy planet Hoth First our sanctions on the emperor cut an economic swath. Then we taunt, "Hey, Little Death-Star Man, watch our Space Force win this fight!" Then we have a summit, then it's fine, we can all sleep well tonight. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Into the 'Woulds'* * Into the"woulds" without the "nots" Ignore the trolls, forget the bots Everyone knows who called the shots When I was in Helsinki. Into the weeds with every word, The ones I said, the ones you heard, Even the word I may have slurred When I was in Helsinki The jeers and gibes, the harsh reviews Are nothing more than more Fake News! I never back down, I never do wrong (Except perhaps I shouldn't Ever skip a "wouldn't.") What are the words the world should fear? The secret words from Vladimir When there was no adviser near To hear us in Helsinki! He vowed that I'd have hell to pay If he released the dossier. I followed each command he gave And that's the only reason some may call it treason. Learn from the tale that I have told Avoid the showers made of gold Or you will see how you get rolled When you go to Helsinki But into the "woulds," into the weeds, Into the words, like Vladimir said — And home before dark. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean, Va.) *Donald's Favorite Things* Golfing and Big Macs and late-night tweet rages. Tax breaks for fat cats and babies in cages. Justices dancing like puppets on strings. These are a few of my favorite things. Hounding reporters and calling them traitors. Pissing off allies and kissing dictators. Congress like bobbleheads mounted on springs. These are a few of my favorite things. When collusion and indictments Bring things to a halt I go on TV and say you can't blame me For it's all Obama's fault. (Thomas Vincent, Langley, Wash., a First Offender) *'Trump tweets praises to Russia, threats to Iran'* *To "The Bells of Notre Dame" from Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"* Morning in Washington; citizens wake To the tweets of Donald Trump. They count every lie and linguistic mistake In the tweets of Donald Trump. Mocking Democrats, brown-nosing Russia, Calling Mueller a LOSER!!! and CHUMP!!!, His only endeavor is drivel he never deletes, These tweets of Donald Trump. Watch as a threat of a vicious invective Excretes from Donald Trump. (Won't it be nice if his Caps Lock's defective? That eats at Donald Trump.) Since we fear Agent Orange will usher In a wretched American slump, We'll connect him to dial-up, ensuring he'll pile up defeats: Czaritza Donald Trump! (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Masterpiece Cakeshop To "MacArthur Park" Cavities were all I meant to leave; I run my bakery shop, ask for payment in advance. But on a wedding cake, this I believe: Of the couple up on top, one should not be wearing pants. Our highest court just gave me its support, One confusing ruling coming down. I won't sell my cake off to the gays, I don't think that I could take it 'Cause it's just for straights I bake it, And my fondant might get nibbled by two men. OH NO! (Duncan Stevens) *To "O Canada," the Canadian national anthem, *By The Country Formerly Respected as the United States** F Canada! Our bitter rival land! True seething hate you shall in us command. With hostile hearts we hope you fall, Northern neighbor cold and weak! From far and wide, O Canada, Your destruction's what we seek. There is in Hell, hot as can be, O Canada, a special place for thee .. O Canada, a special place for thee! *A vast majority of Americans do not approve this message. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *To "Goldfinger" Helsinki "" Vlad the Man was trained by the KGB — to the nth degree. Vlad's cold pinky Beckoned Trump to swim with the Russian sharks — the oligarchs. Golden showers in an MP4 file (Or perhaps something even more vile) Made the POTUS fearful of detection: Vlad's "artful deal" sealed his election. Helsinki "" Stupid Trump, not thinking to scrutinize Vlad Putin's eyes. FBI, CIA, NSA "" All their knowledge was banished away When a narcissist's repudiation Trumped the honor of his nation. Helsinki "" On that day, Trump loyalists agonized "" And cut their ties. He played Putin's game, Lost the game, Feels no shame. He played Putin's game "¦ But he'll claim Dems were to blame! (Jackie Beals, Staunton, Va., a First Offender) *Stormy's Nether to (what else) "Stormy Weather" (Nan Reiner sings it here ) Don't know why no one buys the lies I ply. Stormy's nether Has got me into nasty weather: Keeps raining all the slime. Sapphire orbs, and she spanked me with my Forbes! Drove me bonkers, With her bazongas like Ivanka's. She made me feel sublime. Next to have her say appeared that gal McDougal. Then, a Summer's day; she's gonna blow her bugle. I said I would pay them, but (wink, wink) you know I'm frugal! Now here come a dozen more"¦ I'm a cad, but my prenup's ironclad. My Melania Will never bid me "do svidanya." She's gotta serve her time Or she gets not one dime. (Nan Reiner) *To "A You're Adorable" (Baltimore Symphony Orchestra musician Jonathan Jensen sings and plays the song here ) A you're abom'nible, B you're so bigoted, C you're completely full of crap. D you're deplorable, E-vil and horrible, F is your friggin' stupid cap. G making nothing great, H teaching us to hate, I you're illiterate as well. J just a horrid man, K means you love the Klan, L for the lies you always tell. Malodorous, Nefarious, Obstreperous, Perfidious -- I could go on all day. Querulous, Rancorous, Satanical, Tyrannical -- What more can I say? U fill my life with pain, V means you're very vain, W, X, Y, Z. It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you to tell you what you mean to me. A B C D E F U!!! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore, a First Offender) *I've Been Good to Me* *To"Life's Been Good to Me" by Joe Walsh)* I have this mansion. It's not branded Trump. It's called the White House, I've called it a dump. I like my hotels, oh, the workers are great. Most are on visas. The service? First-rate. Some say I'm pampered but I treat myself well. I love my base — though their lives look like hell. I've been good to me so far. At Mar-A-Lago, I have lots of friends, I get a cut of what anyone spends. I ride in limos and drive a golf cart; I never walk far. It's bad for your heart. My staff will bring me whatever I need. They draw me pictures 'cause I hate to read. I watch TV when I want to relax. If I feel cranky I make up some facts. People agree that I have a great life. (Everybody say I'm cool, he's cool) When I get bored I just pick a new wife. I've been good to me so far. They say as POTUS, Richard Nixon ranks worst. (Everybody say oh yeah, oh yeah) I say it's time to "Put Donald Trump First." I've been good to me so far. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) *To "Gary, Indiana" from "The Music Man"* (Nan sings it here) | Rudy Giuliani, Rudy Giuliani, Rudy Giuliani, Once he had the mayor's job. Rudy Giuliani, Rudy Giuliani, Rudy Giuliani, Now a mouthpiece for a slob. Is he suffering from an Alzheimeresque affliction, Makes him wallow in malevolent malediction, Spewing folderol and extrajudicial fiction? Quasi-legal junk that we know is bunk. Rudy Giuliani, Rudy Giuliani, fruity tool, He honestly believes we'll buy his guff? Oh, Rudy Giuliani, stuff your con for Crooked Donnie. Giuliani, we've had enough! (Nan Reiner) *To "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen* You spew hot gas and belch out smoke, Your consequences are no joke, You're just as dangerous as a Himalaya, Yes, you're Hawaii's rocky bump-- What's that? You thought that I meant Trump? No, no, this song is meant for Kilauea. Kilauea, Kilauea, Kilauea, Kilaue--e---a. (Duncan Stevens) *To "Anything Goes" The White House staff, they've put some fun in it But they don't know who's runnin' it Hey, what goes? Nobody knows. They'll bring back coal and start pollutin' While they're in cahoots with Putin, Why love our foes? Nobody knows. And all of the lies they tell, they know very well, they can cast a spell On their base while telling the infidels to all go to hell If they choose to oppose. Is Putin planning on exposing A picture of Donald posing with Russian hos? Nobody knows. While Trump cavorts in high society Liberals face more anxiety, So what goes? Nobody knows. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) *Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-S.C.) wants the Russia meddling investigation finished "the hell up"* *To the medieval Christmas song "Gaudete Christus est natus" Gowdy! Trey! Gowdy! Trey! Vlad Putin got us. It's a real calamity, Gowdy! Trey! Russia hacked democracy, thwarting voters' preference. Trumpster is a Putin pal, showing him vast deference. Gowdy! Trey! Gowdy! Trey! Vlad Putin got us. It's a crapstorm all the way, Gowdy! Trey! Ranting at the Mueller probe, you have grown delirious. Whiskey-tango-foxtrot, dude? Cyberthreats are serious! Gowdy! Trey! Gowdy! Trey! Vlad Putin got us And Maria! NRA! Gowdy! Trey! Infrastructure's getting hacked, water, nukes, and power. You'll have fun in Spartanburg when the grid turns sour. Gowdy! Trey! Gowdy! Trey! Vlad Putin got us. Pete Strzok might just save your A, Gowdy, Trey. (Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday, Aug. 6: our Week 1290 neologism contest. See wapo.st/invite1290 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1292, published August 12, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1292: Golly gosh, it's Limerixicon XV Write a limerick with a word beginning "gl-" to "go"; plus winning product warnings Glenn Close, but no ... (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) by Pat Myers August 9 Email the author //(Click here to skip down to this week's winning product disclaimers and warnings) *GLENN Close, who's a popular star,* *Went into a Hollywood bar.* *They told her, "My dear,* *You can't smoke in here."* *And so it was Close, no cigar.* (Mae Scanlan, Week 726) We return once again to our Augusty drop-by at OEDILF.com, where, year by year, letter by letter since 2004, founder Chris Strolin and more than 1,000 contributing authors have been creating an Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, starting with "The very first word here is /a /. . . " and inching through the alphabet (predicted completion date: Sept. 25, 2076, a target that has not changed in at least two years). Chris & Co. are right on the edge of the 100,000-limerick mark as they've made it through GI-. Let's help put them over: This week: Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any English word, name or term beginning with "gl-" through "go-,"* as in the example above by Mae Scanlan that got ink in the cl-to-co- contest in 2007. (Okay, maybe it's not quite OEDILFish to use a first name as the pertinent word, but the Empress doesn't care, and Bob Staake, when she showed him this limerick, noted that "my longtime nickname for Glenn Close is 'potato chin' " — which really made me want to see his cartoon.) *Please see wapo.st/limericks2018* for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell: "perfect" rhyme, and a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm in Lines 1, 2 and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; additional unaccented syllables on either side are fine. See OEDILF.com about submitting limericks there after this contest is over. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1292* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Super Two-Pack of Weirdly Shaped Soft Candy: the Candy Burger, which comprises 22 little puzzle pieces of candy that form a pretty good (visual) replica of a Big Mac; and, for the second time, the Pet Rat, a dark-colored, six-inch-long gummy /Rattus rattus / — although actually shaped more like a /Rattus flattus./ The burger was donated by Kyle Hendrickson, the rat by Melissa Yorks. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 20; results published Sept. 9 (online Sept. 6). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Danielle Nowlin; Jesse Frankovich, David Peckarsky and Mark Raffman all submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *AMUSE AS DIRECTED: THE PRODUCT WARNINGS OF WEEK 1288 **In Week 1288 we asked for some amusing (and fictitious) product warnings or disclaimers. Too many people to credit quoted the White House, Fox, etc., with "Any resemblance to actual persons or events is purely coincidental." 4th place: On Roach Motel packaging: "Roaches not included." (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) No cholesterol! Gummy -candy burger and rat. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) 3rd place: On a beer can: "Asking another person to hold this container creates a serious risk of personal injury." (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) 2nd place /and the artificial-snowball powder: / On the president's Twitter page: "May be harmful or fatal if followed." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Slim Jim:* "Not a diet food. Nice try, Jim." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Not-so-fine print: Honorable mentions *Scrapple: "Not for oral use." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "We'd love to be able to call 'carmine color' what it actually is — the juice from squashed red bugs — but then you wouldn't have bought this*strawberry yogurt.*" (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *Car:* "Not to be used as a phone booth." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Amazon Echo: "Every breath you take, every move you make, we'll be watching you. Well, technically Alexa is listening, but we can turn on the cameras in your house, too — like the one in your laptop. Hey, nice bathrobe!" (Cheryl Davis, Arlington, Va.) *ED medication:* "Do not use near exposed spinning fan blades." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *iPad:* "May cause high-pitched whining if used near children." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *My paycheck:* "Warning: Contains peanuts." (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) "Keep away from small children. They are loud, messy and annoying." (Jesse Frankovich) "Though this vehicle operates reliably on fuel that contains up to 15 percent alcohol, this does not apply to its operator." (Frank Mann, Washington) *Baggy flannel pajamas:* "Not guaranteed as a birth control device, though studies have demonstrated that they are 99 percent effective." (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) "The makers of Candy Crush Saga are in no way responsible for novels unread, films heard of but not seen, missed meditation sessions, undiscovered creative solutions, lost moments when you could be visualizing a better future for yourself, or for your failure to make genuine human contact with the stranger seated next to you. Now, get back to Candy Crush!" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Camping toilet*: "Do NOT void where prohibited." (Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *The president: "Caution: Contains vitriol. Irritating to the eyes, ears and mind. Skin contact may cause discomfort. Potential global security hazard." (Jesse Frankovich) "Warning: This aircraft* could plummet from the sky, falling thousands of feet and crashing in a fiery ball, spreading its contents over multiple acres, but that rarely happens." (Russell Beland) On an*infant: "Do not refrigerate; however, product may be spoiled while in care of grandparents." (Dudley Thompson) "The Ouija board is not a certified investment adviser. User assumes all financial risks." (Susanne Pierce Dyer, Green Valley, Calif.) *Pen: "May not necessarily prevail in a swordfight." (Tom Witte) On a*Ford F-350 SuperCab pickup truck: "Warning: This truck will not increase penis size." (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) *ED drug:* "Past performance is not a reliable indicator of future results." (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *Presidential limo:* "Driver does not carry cash or valuables." (Kevin Dopart) *Invisalign hidden braces: "Your smileage may vary." (Gary Crockett) *Guide to Tautologies:* "Read this label before using." (Duncan Stevens) *Hefty trash bag: "Not intended for use as a birth control device, no matter how well endowed you think you are." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Angel Soft toilet paper: "We have not yet done comparison testing for this product by wiping our butts with angels." (Duncan Stevens) *Bump stock: "Please kill responsibly." (Tom Witte) *Plastic wrap:* "Do not use as condom; we especially want people like you to use functional birth control." (Kevin Dopart) "Do not let the foregoing disclaimer dissuade you from having fun with this product, which, with a little ingenuity, can be modified to make a cool slingshot, a rockin' dart gun, or even a neat flamethrower. Remember, YOLO!" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *The Washington Post:* "While democracy dies in darkness, sometimes, even with the lights on, jackasses may get elected." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) *The Washington Post: "If you don't subscribe to this paper, then democracy will die and it will be your fault. You don't want to live with that." (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) "All federal, state and local income and other taxes are solely the responsibility of the Loser . . . ." hmm, does anyone know the going rate for dried yak vomit?" — Undisclosed runner-up, Style Invitational* (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *The Style Invitational:* "Contains no actual style." (Duncan Stevens) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 13: our contest for anagrams of movie titles. See wapo.st/invite1291 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1293, published August 19, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1293: Constitutional unconvention Rewrite or explain one part of it in a funny way. Plus the winning fake trivia about animals.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers , Style Invitational editor August 16 (Click here to skip down to the winning bogus trivia about animals.) Who knows — our current president may well have perused the U.S. Constitution top to bottom, all seven articles and 27 amendments, the preamble and the closing endorsement, sometime in his life. Okay, /we /know. C'mon. But don't you think the USA CEO /might/ actually find some of it interesting if it were presented in a livelier format? Reader Tod Cramton suggested a series of marching cheers; let's broaden that idea: *This week: Humorously translate or explain some part of the U.S. Constitution: with a funny example or analogy; as a pithy proverb or slogan; in a short poem, a song parody, a graphic, you name it. Be sure to tell us what specific part of the Constitution you're translating. Your version may be, but doesn't necessarily have to be, aimed at the president's particular attention span or interests. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1293* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place: Some brand-new Undies for Two , *a white polyester bikini brief with four leg holes positioned that two people wear it together, facing each other verrry closely, as if clamped together by one of those big tight rubber bands that go around broccoli in the produce section. "Getting in them is half the fun!" promises the box, so you still have the other 50 percent to make the best of your immobility. Donated by Loser and Style Invitational Devotee Kathleen Delano, who sanely declined to model them for the readers of The Washington Post. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 27; results published Sept. 16 (online Sept. 13). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *WHAT A CROC! TOTALLY BOGUS ANIMAL TRIVIA FROM WEEK 1289* **In Week 1289* we sought to extend our crusade to misinform our readers to Kingdom Animalia with these Fictoids of Fauna: 4th place: Despite their reputation, clams have a surprisingly high rate of depression. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Underclothes encounters: This week's second prize. 3rd place: The world's most expensive bacon comes from the guinea pig. (Susanne Pierce Dyer, Green Valley, Calif.) 2nd place /and theanimal appendage finger ornaments :/ John Williams drew inspiration for the "Jaws" theme after hearing about a shark attack survivor who continued to play piano with his remaining two fingers. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Shar-Pei, deflated. (Pedro Parro via Wikipedia) When fully inflated, an adult Shar-Pei can reach up to seven feet in circumference. (David Schwartz, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) Just No stories: Honorable mentions Since the appointment of Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, the only animal in Montana that hasn't been removed from endangered-species protection is the jackalope. (Susanne Pierce Dyer) Some synagogues offer bar mitzvahs for dogs when they turn 1.86. (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.) The armadillo is found in Washington, D.C., only at the zoo, while the peccadillo is constantly being discovered. (Lynne Larkin, Glenn Dale, Md.) According to Hinduism, cats have only one life. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Most species of owls in Central and South America have a call that sounds like /¿Quién?/ (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The painting "Dogs Playing Poker" was based on a secretly acquired photograph of dogs playing poker. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Alanis Morissette wrote the melody to "Ironic" while listening to the songs of female sperm whales. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) The male orange clownfish has a genetic predisposition to bone spurs. (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) Even though Arnold Schwarzenegger can't pronounce "ferret," he keeps seven of them as pets. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Albino frogs can't jump. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Amazingly, Nostradamus correctly foretold that Bigfoot porn would be an issue in a Virginia congressional race. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) To address the current farm labor shortage, giraffes are being used to pick fruit off tall trees and load it gently into waiting trucks. (Susanne Pierce Dyer) "Rainbow" trout got their name when biologists at fish hatcheries noticed them forming same-sex pair bonds. (Megan Durham, Reston, Va.) Cat hairballs can be inserted in the auditory canal to prevent earaches. This technique is often practiced by older men. (Kathleen Cross, Silver Spring, Md.) Despite years of trying, fish simply cannot play baseball. All but 5,000 South Floridians have acknowledged that fact. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) The trumpeter swan has a small, flap-covered hole on its neck to drain saliva. (Jeff Shirley) It actually takes at least four butterfly wing-flaps in the Pacific Ocean to create a hurricane. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Lions prefer to sleep on the open savanna. They sleep very poorly in jungles or near villages, particularly when there ishigh-pitched singing nearby. (Duncan Stevens) In Greek, "hippopotamus" means "water horse," while in Swahili it means "butt ugly." (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.) Paleontologists have found fossils of the ancestors of modern buffalo that bear vestigial wings. (Duncan Stevens) While many people know that Sumatran kopi luwak coffee comes from beans eaten and excreted by the palm civet, fewer know that the Sumatran tree sloth poops decaf. (Brendan Beary) Before the evolution of the various big-cat species, giant balls of string roamed the savannas. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Cockroach milk, touted as a "superfood," is so popular in Brooklyn that several coffee shops there now offer "cafe roachas," as well as "splattes" sprinkled with a smashed-roach garnish. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Rin-Tin-Tin's contract demanded that he have a bigger dressing room than his human co-stars, and it always be stocked with abowl of M&M's containing only gray ones. (Russell Beland) All wombats are female. The males are called mbats. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Except for the species /Mellivora melania,/ honey badgers do care. (Ed Sobansky, Bowie, Md.) Recently released video has caught bald eagles wearing straw head coverings during mating season. (Lorna Jerome, Waldorf, Md., a First Offender) Cockroaches are so named because they taste like chicken. (Larry Gray) Scott was beaten to the South Pole by Amundsen because of his tragic decision to use sled penguins. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) In Mexico, the inside joke is to tell gringos that the "mole" sauce on their chicken is made from chocolate and not the real ingredient, blended Mexican mole lizards. (Lorraine McMillan, Alexandria, Va.) The Puritans referred to marital relations as "playing possum," since they moved as little as possible. (Jeff Shirley) Mr. Ed's voice was dubbed for the TV show because he spoke only German. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 20: our contest for limericks featuring words beginning with gl- through go-. See wapo.st/invite1292 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1294, published August 26, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1294: As the word turns — a neologism contest 'Discover' new terms hidden in this word search grid. Plus more winning neologisms. "Dello" and "slangry" are just two of a zillion neologisms waiting to be found in this grid. By Pat Myers, Style Invitational editor August 23(Click here to skip down to the winning Bob Levey-style neologisms from Week 1290.) *D-9: DELLO: There's always room for this dessert even after a giant pastrami on pumpernickel. *N-5: SLANGRY: "You &@#$^ing &@#$^er!"* It's been a year and a half since we last did a neologism contest based on a randomly assembled word search grid. In this fourth go-round, as before, the Empress clicked a bunch of times at WordGenerator.net to get a list of words ranging from "verbarmahoohoo" (white rhino) to "flat" (flat); then she fed those words into the cheerily helpful tool at Puzzle-Maker.com, which instantly worked them into the grid above. But we're not asking you to find those words; we want you to discover new ones. In typical word search grids, the target words are placed in a straight line in any direction, but we're more flexible: This week: "Discover" a word or multi-word term that consists of adjacent letters — in any direction or several directions — in the grid above, and provide a humorous definition,* as in the examples above. Don't trace back over the same letters.*You may also give a novel definition for an existing term.* And you may use the word in a sentence, if that makes your entry funnier. Even with this many possible words, the E always gets multiple entries for a single term, so it may be the description that wins the ink. (If you're having trouble printing out the grid, try it from here. ) *IMPORTANT*: you /must/ begin /each entry /with the coordinates of the first letter of your term (e.g., C-12) as above; the Emp can trace it from there. If you don't give me those coordinates, I'm going to skip your word. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1294* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts ,* the now-classic matter-of-fact, educational easy-reader picture book by Shinta Cho, complete with both factoids (a healthy person farts about 17 ounces of gas per day) and sound effects ("brrm"). A brand-new hardcover donated by Edward Gordon. (Unsurprisingly, we also awarded this book as a prize in 2004 and 2010.) *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). In honor of Labor Day, deadline is Tuesday night, Sept. 4; results published Sept. 23 (online Sept. 20). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; Nan Reiner wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *NEOLOGISMS FOR OLD TOM'S SAKE: REPORT FROM WEEK 1290* In Week 1290 we honored Loser Since Week 7 Tom Witte — yes, pronounced "witty" — for his 1,500th blot of Invite ink. Since so much of that ink has been for coining punny new words — and because of his success back in the day with a similar contest given each month by Post metro columnist Bob Levey — we asked the Losers to come up with something that could use a good word to describe it, and of course to make up that word. Some great neologism entries that turned out to be already in wide circulation: hautemeal* for fancy cereal; condominimum* for a tiny apartment;*ethic cleansing for dismissing one's conscience; *grabbadocio* for being proud of assaulting women. 4th place: ("We" is not the Royal "We": The Empress, of course, never does this. This week's second prize.) Some people can make millions of dollars and spend every last cent of it. What*incomepoops!* (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3rd place: It seems even the firmest nonbeliever will pray when the circumstances are dire enough, such as during severe turbulence on an airplane. This phenomenon could be called foxholiness.* (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 2nd place and the offensive guitar-man bottle opener: A co-worker comes in with a loud, chesty cough, having no concern for the health of everyone in the office. He's a literal phlegmthrower.* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: It takes real nerve to admit that your son met with a Russian lawyer to get information on your election opponent — such cahootzpah!* (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Half Wittes: Honorable mentions Are you awake all night worrying that someone's peeking at your medical records? You just might be a*HIPAAchondriac. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Boy, U.S. farmers are just delighted with my trade policies, each and every one. They all tell me this trade war is*tariffic! — D.J.T., Washington (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Don't you hate it when someone who butts in and messes up your rhythm when you are telling an interesting story? This frustrating act could be called quotus interruptus.* (John O'Byrne, Dublin) The Trump administration doesn't seem very interested in preventing future Russian election meddling. Their attitude is pretty *hackadaisical.* (Duncan Stevens) An egomaniacal, unstable leader with his finger all too close to the Button: It's an A-bombination. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) What compels a president to express such contempt for Congress — /and/ wear overly long ties? Could it be executive shrivelege?* (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Those people who go to a game and dress top to bottom in the /visiting/ team's regalia? They're the fantagonists.* (Tom Witte) It can be intimidating for a young lieutenant in the Army: If you've been ripped from one end to the other by your superior officer, you've had a coloneloscopy. (Beverley Sharp) You tell someone off at the office for five minutes straight. The vent feels exhilarating — at the moment. And then, inevitably, come the repercussions, fast and furious. You never seem to learn: Don't throw a *boomharangue.* (Jon Gearhart) That moment when an attractive woman spots you and realizes that you're always hanging out in the coffee shop that she frequents, but never drinking any coffee? Oops, stalkward!* (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) "So does this smart thingy have the Twitter?" Older folks who don't know how to use all these newfangled gizmos suffer from thingamajignorance*. (Jesse Frankovich) A mom and dad are at odds over whether to circumcise their newborn son. He says yes, she says no. They're at cross-prepuces.* (Chris Doyle) I was a binge-drinker in college and spent many a late night "praying to the porcelain god" — johnuflecting, you could call it. (Chris Doyle) Many restaurants automatically add an additional percentage as a tip for a large party. Maybe they should also do it for a messy, annoying child — call it a bratuity.* (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) In some states, even burly men with beards are ordered to use the ladies' room, because of the anatomy they were born with — their *congenitalia. (Kevin Dopart) Kevin decided against sneaking some cake before the party started when he noticed his mom slowly drawing a forefinger across her throat. That ominous gesture could be called a pantomaim. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) To purge from your life a person who only pretends to like you means giving yourself a much-needed frenema.* (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) You know how you have a series of extramarital affairs and then pay hundreds of thousands of dollars so the women won't talk about them? Don't we all? Of course you funnel that money along a convoluted path — call it philaundering. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) When you have "very fine people on both sides," you have *kkkounterbalance. (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) You've never met in person, but your online chat is getting awfully friendly — and you haven't mentioned it to your wife. Face it: You're having a textramarital* affair. (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) When you play sports on grass fields, it's inevitable that you'll bring home clods of dirt stuck to your cleats: Call them shoevenirs*. Or*swardifacts. Or a stomp collection.* (Tom Witte) There's a new conspiracy theory floating around that Donald Trump is secretly waging war on an evil cabal of liberals who rig the elections, and run the CIA, and abduct children, and hid all the UFOs, and killed Princess Diana, and caused Hurricane Katrina, and . . . (you get the picture). There's also a word for people who believe it: Qrazy. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) /And Last: /Continuing to enter the Invite week after week without success, and somehow expecting a different result this time. It's *inksanity, I tell you. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 27: our contest for novel explanations for parts of the Constitution. See wapo.st/invite1293. (Last week's print edition lied and said the deadline was Aug. 20 — so get back to work.)* ====================================================================== WEEK 1295, published September 2, 2018 Style Invitational contest Week 1295: Really now? A matter of degree. Plus 'Trumpers' Fog' and other winning movie anagrams(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers August 30 at 11:26 AM (Click here to skip down to the winning anagrams of movie titles) *Sign you're dating a loser: He pulls up in a clunker car.* *Sign you're /really / dating a loser: He pulls up in a clunker car that is being towed.* (Kenny Burrow) *Sign you are getting old: You forget to zip. Sign you are /really / getting old: You forget to unzip. (Chris Doyle; Alan Rubin) *Sign you might be in trouble: Your mother uses your middle name when she calls for you.* S*ign you might /really / be in trouble: The newspaper uses your middle name when it writes about you. (Russell Beland) Here's a contest we did one time, 17 years ago. There were lots of good entries back in Week 401, including the ones above, but heck, 17 years — even the Empress is optimistic that some more material has cropped up since Russell Beland suggested this contest to her predecessor, the Czar . *This week: Tell us an indication to some problem, followed by an even more dire sign. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1295* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins, from the cute Danish chain Flying Tiger, a notepad that looks like a chocolate bar with a corner nibbled away, and also a rubbery elephant trunk that you fit over your finger and wiggle around for whatever reason. Found in Spain by Inge Ashley. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 10; results published Sept. 30 (online Sept. 27). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *MOTION MIXTURES: THE MOVIE ANAGRAMS OF WEEK 1291* In Week 1291 we asked you to rearrange the letters of a movie title, then describe the new movie. If you get a kick out of these anagrams, join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at** on.fb.me/invdev,* and the Losers and other Devs will anagram your name. 4th place: *An American in Paris "†' MANIACS! PAIN IN REAR!: An artist from Omaha finds that the City of Light isn't all it was cracked up to be. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A notepad that's not really a candy bar, plus an elephant trunk for your finger: We're all about practicality in our prizes. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) 3rd place: *Forrest Gump "†' TRUMPERS' FOG:* A mentally challenged man's bizarre actions and personality cast a spell over millions of previously sensible people. (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) 2nd place and Who Gives a Crap toilet paper : *Oedipus Rex "†' DO I RUE SEX! :P : A man suffers the ultimate morning-after remorse. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *All the President's Men "†' THE ILL-MANNERED PESTS:* Swarms of uncontrollable vermin invade the White House! (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) Honorable mentions "†' MORE BLAH ONES NOT IN *Conan the Barbarian "†' ON CAN: THE BARBARIAN: The title character unleashes a barrage of late-night tweets from his favorite room. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Les Miserables "†' LESS MISERABLE: Only some of the cast die and nobody asks Russell Crowe to sing. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Les Miserables "†' AIMLESS REBELS: Disaffected Parisians can't seem to muster interest in a revolution, muttering out tunes like "Do You See the People Shrug?" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party "†' RACIST CADS YELL OF 'THE OTHER AMERICA,' TRY TO HYPE THEIR RACISM:* The not-so-secret history of the Republican Party. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Cinderella "†' NICER LADLE: A girl forced to cook and clean for her stepfamily isn't quite thrilled by her fairy godmother's gift. (Duncan Stevens) *Cinderella "†' I'LL NEED CAR:* I appreciate the gown and slippers, Fairy G, but I don't see how I can get out of the ball before midnight. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) *Cinderella "†' I'LL END CARE: Paul Ryan's fairy godmother grants him one wish. (Duncan Stevens) *10 "†' 01:* Age takes its toll on a former hottie. (Jeff Contompasis, from the cruise ship Norwegian Dawn, Atlantic Ocean) *Gone With the Wind* "†' WHITE-OWNED THING:* Spike Lee's brutally honest remake. (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) *Gone With the Wind "†' DONE WITH THE WING:* Savoring the last piece of fried chicken at Tara, Scarlett vows never to go hungry again. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Gone With the Wind "†' NOTHING WITH WEED:* A Southern plantation clings to tradition by planting tobacco instead of marijuana. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) *Gone With the Wind "†' I WON THE DEW THING: A day in the life of Kentucky's 2017 Grand Champion Soda Pop Chugger. (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md., a First Offender) *Gone With the Wind "†' TONIGHT WE WHINED: But tomorrow IS another day! The irrepressible Scarlett remains ever hopeful . . . (Beverley Sharp) *Animal Crackers "†' CRANIAL SMACKER: Marx Brothers remake starring the Three Stooges. (Ray Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) *Beauty and the Beast "†' THE NAUSEATED TABBY:* Animated musical featuring that hit song: "Rug gets messed! Rug gets messed! Some things cats cannot digest! . . . " (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Bridesmaids "†' BRIDE SADISM:* A woman chooses hideous and expensive dresses for her wedding attendants and expects a destination bachelorette party. (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.) *Honey, I Shrunk the Kids "†' HIDE THE HORNY SKUNKS I:* Fox News covers up sexual harassment. First in a series. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Hook "†' OH, OK. Turns out the renowned pirate is just a regular guy. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) *It's a Wonderful Life "†' IT'S AWFUL, OLE FRIEND: Clarence the angel offers George Bailey "thoughts and prayers," then lets George continue on his suicidal path. (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) *Debbie Does Dallas "†' DEBBIE DOLES SALAD:* Debbie sells vegetables by day, but shares freely from her secret garden by night. (Jon Gearhart) *Deliverance "†' LEARNED VICE: A backwoods Appalachian teaches his sons the ways of life on the river — and how to treat them city folks. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Forrest Gump "†' FOREST GRUMP:* In this dystopian fantasy, the man put in charge of America's forests and parks tries to shrink and despoil them. (Kyle Hendrickson, Urbana, Md.) *Field of Dreams "†' MERE DAFFODILS:* A celebrated Iowa farm disappoints a busload of out-of-state tourists. (Chris Doyle) *Saw"†' AWS:* Sadistic assailants force their victims to watch cat videos until they go insane. (Steve Honley, Washington) *The Fault in Our Stars "†' THE RUINOUS LAST FART:* While plotting with Cassius, Brutus abruptly excuses himself to change his undertoga. (Chris Doyle) *The Godfather "†' THE FROG DEATH:* "Nice lily pad you got here. It would be a shame if something happened to it." (Eric Nelkin) *The Godfather "†' THE DOG FATHER:* "I knew it was you, Fido." (Larry Neal, McLean, Va.) *The Godfather "†' THE HOG FARTED:* A Mafioso wakes up with a live animal in his bed. (Ann Martin) *All the President's Men "†' ALL THE DERN INEPT MESS: They thought no staff could outdo Nixon's . . . (Chris Doyle) *All the President's Men "†' TEND THE SMALLER PENIS:* A gang of shifty White House staffers conspire to keep their jobs by jointly flattering their boss. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *A Bug's Life "†' 'AS-IF' BULGE:* The ladies don't buy it when a scrawny guy tries to make clever use of a banana. (Jesse Frankovich) *Captain Blood "†' CAT: PAIN, BLOOD:* A brief documentary for the would-be pet owner. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) *Braveheart "†' AH, VERTEBRA: William Wallace winds up being beheaded once again. (Mark Calandra, Sudbury, Mass.) *Slumdog Millionaire "†' SELL DOOM, MR. GIULIANI!:* The president's lawyer tries to convince him that a Mueller interview is a perjury trap: "You won't even get to phone a friend." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Snow White "†' WOW, THE SIN!* Nubile lass cohabits with seven weird men. (Ann Martin) *Mr. Smith Goes to Washington "†' MR. MOST EGO HITS WASHINGTON:* The smartest, bestest man wins the Presidential election, but the news media try to destroy him with fake scandal after fake scandal. Expected running time 8 years; actual running time TBD. (Jon Gearhart) *The Bridges of Madison County "†' THE STUDY OF BORING COMEDIANS:* The Empress slogs through yet another dull batch of entries. (Jesse Frankovich) *Singin' in the Rain "†' A-GRINNIN' IN THE SI:* What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again! (Jesse Frankovich) *Clueless "†' CLUELESS: What was the contest again? (Luke Baker, Columbia, Md.) *Still running — deadline Tuesday night, Sept. 4: Our contest to "discover" new words in a word search grid. See wapo.st/invite1294. ====================================================================== WEEK 1296, published September 9, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1296: A, we're adorbs — a poetry contest Write a poem using one of the 35 new words at M-W.com; plus winning limericks(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // September 6 (Click here to skip down to the winning limericks) I've the best-looking beard, horns and coat. I'm a natural at nibbling a note. I climb mountains with ease, And each nanny agrees I'm the Greatest Of All Time — the GOAT!* (Jesse Frankovich) We may be a venerable 25 years old — that's "we" The Style Invitational, not Royal We the Empress, who, uh, used to be 25 — but we do try to stay current. And this week, courtesy of our pals over at Merriam-Webster, we bring you these 35 new terms that were among those added just this past Tuesday to its online dictionary . (See the list at the bottom of this column, below the results.) But AHA! The Loser Community is right there with you, MerriWeb. By total coincidence, this week we present the results of our contest for limericks featuring words beginning "gl-" through "go-" — which included Jesse's use of "GOAT" in its new, acronymic sense. (Jon Gearhart also did one but poor Jon was out-GOATed.) And so let's get some more:*This week: Use one or more of these words new to M-W.com in a humorous poem of eight lines max.* They must be used in the way they're defined in the new M-W.com listings; e.g., "CBD" is for the marijuana component cannabidiol, and not for, say, "couldn't be dumber." The online Invite has links to all the definitions; my Style Conversational column lists list mini-definitions so you won't have to click on each one; or you can go straight to M-W.com. (And we don't want to hear "TL;DR.")** Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1296* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of four mildly risque magnets with cartoons of dogs; in one, there's a boxer on his hind legs and the slogan "Your dog doesn't know sit"; another says, "Friend request" under a picture of a dog sniffing another dog's butt. Inexplicably regifted by Loser Edward Gordon,who won them in Week 1158. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 17; results published Oct. 7 (online Oct. 4). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results come from both Chris Doyle and Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *GLimericks and GOggerel: The Limerixicon of Week 1292 * Week 1292 marked our 15th annual Limerixicon, in which we ask for limericks featuring words from a little sliver of the dictionary — this year beginning with GL- to GO- — to help the folks at OEDILF.com continue to amass a whole dictionary in limerick form. These inking entries today might well push the ILFers over the 100,000-lim mark. 4th place She wore go-go boots,* shorts and a bra. When I saw her, I laid down the law: "I don't care if your mates Dress like that on their dates, You are not going out like that, Ma!" (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) 3rd place One of the fetching magnets that constitute our second prize this week. Stop talking to Vlad? He won't buy it. Gotta find a new way he'll keep quiet. So we've taken the phone From his golf cart and throne, And now Trump's on a Putin-free diet. "" J. Kelly, Washington (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 2nd place and theBig Mac-shaped candy and gummy rat : A gnat* is a minuscule fly, While a Nat is a bat-wielding guy. When a gnat bites it itches, A Nat swings at pitches. October's when both of them die. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: His assistant said, "Sir, you're so late! Should I call to arrange a new date? 'Cause those two other chaps Could reschedule, perhaps . . ." "No, it's fine," said Godot*. "Let 'em wait." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Hind lims: Honorable mentions Since he was the original G-man* J. Edgar was truly a key man In time, though, we learned Where apparel's concerned He just wasn't that much of a he-man. (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) Said the Zen monk, "Beware of this trap: Do not focus on what's in your lap." Said the novice, "But why?" "*Gonorrhea!* No lie! Ever heard of the 'one-handed clap' "? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) An alien, programmed to roam, Lands on Earth many light-years from home. When kids learn that he's not A real dwarf, as they'd thought, They make fun of him: "E.T., faux gnome!*" (Chris Doyle) She was Trump's protegee (till he canned her!); Now he's charged Omarosa with slander. If backstabbing's your trade, Do expect it repaid: It's as good for the goose* as the gander. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) When Goldilocks* traveled to see 'em, She arranged to arrive in the p.m. Growled her hosts: "Rooms ain't free In our BearBNB!" And they charged her a hefty per diem. (Jackie Beals, Staunton, Va.) "The White House? As soon as I win it, I'll go there and always stay in it. Behind my big desk I'll be so Churchillesque! And for golf* I won't have a spare minute ." — Candidate Trump, February 2016 (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) The grand host of the party showed honor: He said, "Nobody here is a goner!* I've made a nice stew; It's all good for you." They replied, "Thanks a lot, Mr. Donner." (Neal Starkman, Seattle) A coldhearted meanie from *Gloucester* Had a wife, but he badgered and boucester. Short-tempered, imperious "" It's not too mysterious Figuring out why he loucester. (Brendan Beary) The cowardly Colonel McGee Turned and fled from the fight toward the sea. His acts, far from glorious,* Have made him notorious For shouting, "Retreat after me!" (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Our travel site's special, you know. With a click of your mouse, it will show Tons of toilets, and loads Of latrines and commodes— We've got all the best places to go. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) "*Going once," said the old auctioneer In a voice tinged with pride and quite clear. "Going twice," he did shout; I said, "Swell, now get out! There's a line for the men's room out here." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) The man in the White House, alas, Is craven, corrupted and crass. He sees his reflection And murmurs, "Perfection!" While we see a pain in the glass.* (Nan Reiner) *God is modern; he's no longer prone To carve rules on a tablet of stone. On his iPad in Heaven Types Commandment Eleven: Thou shalt not send drunk tweets on thy phone. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) "Stupid job!" he exclaimed, far from hearty. "Where's the keg and the girls? Tell me, smarty!" "Mr. President, sir, I regret, as it were, *GOP* isn't /that / kind of party." (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) With sculpting perfection a must, O'er every last detail Anne fussed. She chiseled from boulders One head and two shoulders: Now Anne has a pretty gneiss bust. (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.) It's repulsive! We scarcely can cope! Still I cling to a glimmer* of hope That our carpooler Bruce Might today have made use Of deodorant, toothbrush and soap. (Brendan Beary) Word is out that the National Zoo's Just begun to air round-the-clock views Of a wildebeest cow Close to calving right now. Check your listings for "Eyewitness Gnus.*" (Chris Doyle) Joe Beaver inquired of his paw: "This tree — should we purchase a saw To fell it? A chopper? Would hatchets be proper?" His father, laconically:*"Gnaw." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) If a guy's wearing short and loose pants With no underwear on, there's a chance You'll observe a bit more Than you're bargaining for: You may spot the man's glans at a glance. (Jesse Frankovich) "I was gobsmacked!*" she told me offhand. "I says, 'Bugger me! This weren't planned!' Me son's son ties the knot With some Yank bird "" what rot!" (Yes, your majesty, I understand.) (Brendan Beary) To our love you pronounced a death knell, Though you told me you still wished me well. But I'm feeling less so, So*gl fo,* * *And I hope I don't join you in hell. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 10: our contest for jokes in the "bad/really bad" format. Seewapo.st/invite1295 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1297, published September 16, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1297: A different type o' headline contest Put a 'typo' in a headline, then write a bank head. Plus novel guides to the Constitution. The season debutt. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // September 13(Click here to skip down to the winning interpretations of parts of the Constitution) /Post headline with fake typo: / *Redskins debut debutt, stay positive* * /Bank head based on the typo:/ /*Linebackers, tackles strut slimmer derrieres from new diets, glute exercises* / *A path to diversity in U.S. parks porks* /Eat no fat? Eat no lean? There's a pig for every carnivore in new breeding program/ *Family escapes home before gas gab explosion* /Smiths on Elm St. flee from back door upon approach of terminally boring neighbor/ Every year or so, we ask you to send in a real headline from that week's paper, then reinterpret its meaning in a bank head, or subtitle. But it's been three years since we last did this variation: Change a headline in an article or ad in The Post or another publication dated Sept. 13-24 by adding or subtracting one letter; substituting a letter; transposing two letters; or changing spacing or punctuation; and then add a "bank head,"* or subtitle, as in the examples above, which the Empress and the Royal Consort based on Post headlines from the past week. You may shorten a more complex headline, and you may capi­tal­ize each word of the headline if that will help your wordplay. You must tell me where you found the original headline and what its real wording was. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1297* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a substantial yet extraordinarily tacky glitter globe containing a sad-looking (perhaps homemade?) little model of a John Deere tractor. This makes our earlier prize of the motorcycle-riding-cow glitter globe tantamount to a Faberge egg. Donated by Loser and champion prize donor Cheryl Davis, who also gave us the Cowasaki. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 24; results published Oct. 14 (online Oct. 11). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jon Gearhart; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *THE FARCED AMENDMENT: EXPLAINING THE CONSTITUTION* In*Week 1293 we asked for novel ways to explain parts of the U.S. Constitution, perhaps (but not necessarily) to a president who might not read it. 4th place *Article II, Section 1, Clause 3, and the 12th Amendment: the electoral college:* It's kind of like letting baseball fans vote for players to go to the All-Star Game, but then ignoring the votes and delegating the actual selections to the Maryland Board of Cosmetology. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place If you win, you get a trophy; if you're 3rd or 4th, you get nice swag. But 2nd place is stuck with this crummy tractor glitter globe. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *The First Amendment: Freedom of speech and religion: * Travolta and Cruise can have their e-meters Jews can foreshorten their son's peepee Folks can meet and protest your stupid tweeters And Maureen Dowd can call you a creepy. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)** 2nd place and the two-person underpants : *The Second Amendment * * /(to "Maria" from "West Side Story"; here's Nan Reiner performing her song )/ Militia! They say I can have a militia. With muskets for my men, Straight from the 18th cen . . . tury. Militia! But I don't see any indicia That I can't keep in stock A Luger or a Glock, or three. Militia! Some grenades strapped around my forehead, And an AR-15 for my sorehead. Militia . . . and maybe a warhead . . . Militia! (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) Third Amendment: "No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house ..." (Honorable Mention by Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *The Preamble, explained more clearly by rearranging ALL its letters into this anagram: *Everyone deserves equal chance for peace, harmony, protection from nuts, enemies and the freedom to attain the best life for their families. So here are the districts' rules, jotted down so idiotic dummies in future generations — predisposed to spastic bullying or truth distortion — won't be able to pull a fast one on the rest of us. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Foundering farther: Honorable mentions *The electoral college* is the institution where you learn that 62,979,879 > 65,844,954. (Zachary Levine, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) *First Amendment: Freedom of speech:* The Congress shall not make a law That stops us from flapping our jaw. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *First Amendment: Freedom of the press: Abridging freedom of the press does not count as an infrastructure project. (Zachary Levine) ** 25th Amendment: Presidential disability and succession: * /A High Coup / The vice president Plus half of your Cabinet Can get rid of you. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Article IV, Section 4:* "The United States shall guarantee to every State in this Union a Republican Form of Government": See, the Democrats are ILLEGAL! — D.J.T., Washington (Duncan Stevens) *Articles I, II and III, the three branches of government: Think of them as three interlocked gears arranged in a triangle, so they all work together — or not move at all. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Article 1, Section 9: Emoluments are not something that lubricates your skin — well, perhaps the palms. (Cliff Feldwick, Columbia, Md., a First Offender) *Article VI, Section 6, Clause 3 , forbidding religious tests for federal "office or public trust": /To "Be Our Guest" / There's no test! There's no test! No religion's second-guessed, So no zealot can insist his faith surpasses all the rest. Muslim, Jew, skeptic, "none," each has got the right to run: Clause 6-3 is here to witness that you can't dispute their fitness. In their posts they can serve, and you've got a lot of nerve If you'd bar them for the creed that they've professed. So, pluralism? Love it. And your dogma? Shove it. Never blessed? Don't get stressed — there's no test! (Duncan Stevens) *Fourth Amendment: Unreasonable searches and seizures: Michael Cohen's office can be searched by the FBI only if a real judge agrees that he's a sleazy lowlife with incriminating evidence on even sleazier lowlifes. (Jon Ketzner) ** Article II, Section 1*: The President shall, at stated Times, receive for his Services a Compensation, which shall be no less than two Scoops. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Fifth Amendment: Double jeopardy: You cannot be prosecuted twice for paying Stormy once. (Jon Ketzner) *The whole Constitution: / To the "Major-General's Song" (Nan sings it here ): / It is the very model of a Charter Constitutional, Which for the 18th century was wholly revolutional. An equal vote in choosing how to govern our society Was granted to the peasant and the wealthy high-and-mighety. Each law demands Bicameral consensus after forth-and-backs (Though some defy all reason, like the convoluted income tax). It has its own procedure when we realize we need redos, Like getting rid of slavery and acknowledging we crave the booze. Despite authoritarian political expedience, The Prez is not a king, and to the law he owes obedience. On 6 November comes the wave, electoral, ablutional, Wherein we shall begin to save our Charter Constitutional. (Nan Reiner) */And last/: One more anagram of the Preamble: We the People of the Style Invitational, in Order to form a more eased sense of deft Wit, establish Jests, insure erudite Hilarity, provide for the common quip, promote the general Banter, and secure the desired Blessings of numerous Blots upon us, do enter to clarify and correct this Constitution of the United States of America. (Jesse Frankovich) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 17: our contest for poems featuring new words added to the dictionary. See wapo.st/invite1296. ====================================================================== WEEK 1298, published September 23, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1298: It's IGH time for a 3-word-phrase contest Plus the winning neologisms 'discovered' in a word search grid You won't forget the food at IHG, the International House of Gastroenteritis. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // September 20(Click here to skip down to this week's winning neologisms) *IHG: International House of Gastroenteritis: For a limited time try our Jellied Moose Nose Pancakes With Durian Syrup! *IGH: International Graduates of Hogwarts:* Once you've mastered Expelliwampum — paying through the nose — you're in. *IGH: Institute of Giant Heads:* They've asked the president to be a spokesman because he's such a swell(ed) guy. It's our third go-round — we also went round in 2016 and 2017 — of a contest in which we march through the alphabet three letters at a time. But this time the Empress is going to broaden it a little by letting you repeat letters:*Make up some entity that might take a three-letter abbreviation of GHI, HGI, GGG, GHH, etc., and then humorously describe it,* as in the examples above by Bob Staake (the first one) and Loser Jon Gearhart (who reminded the Empress that it had been more than a year since we toured the DEFs). You might also supply an especially brilliant description of an actual thing that could take one of these abbreviations. It's all right to add "the," "of," etc., as in the examples. See this week's Style Conversational column for some of the inking entries from Weeks 1179 and 1238. (Jeff Shirley and Jesse Frankovich also reminded the E about this contest before Jon finally wore her down.) Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1298* (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets the Cap Zappa,* a gadget that not only pops open your beer bottle but then can shoot the bottle cap "over 5 metres." Donated by Mike Creveling. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "Idiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct 1; results published Oct. 21 (online Oct. 18). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jon Gearhart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *THE LONG AND WINDING WORDS: NEOLOGISMS FROM WEEK 1294* In Week 1294 we asked the Loser Community to discover new words in the random word-search grid below, by choosing a starting letter and snaking around in any or many directions. Several people told of a "fonduel"* with long, skinny forks. 4th place: *J-4: ALARMOPATH: An extreme worrywart. "Nellie stayed up all night fretting that she might be an alarmopath." (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) 3rd place: *F-7: MaTOO:* Reminder that sexual harassment did not start yesterday. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the book "The Gas We Pass" : *P-5: ZITSEN:* The other red-nosed reindeer. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *N-16: DJ DIZZY G:* Rudolph W. Giuliani's secret hip-hop name: "I'm a long-in-the-tooth sleuth for truth-isn't-truth — kind of goof, like I'm dipped in vermouth or I fell off a roof, trying to prove there's no proof . . ." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Good griddance! Honorable mentions *M-12: MYCOLD:* The worst possible affliction, much more debilitating than yourcold. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) *D-9: DUNNOIST:* Sarah Sanders's real job description. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) *C-6: GROPY:* The eighth dwarf, known for his uncontrollable little hands. (Annie Westover, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) *B-2: XXXDRTY:* The license plate you least want to see on your grandma's car. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *L-14: BARFONDUE:* "And this artisanal cheese is actually cultured from human toe bacteria." (Frank Osen) *M-5: FEMPATHY:* A man's effort to relate to a woman's troubles. "Jacob, did you say you're wearing an underwire jockstrap?" (Don Juran, Rockville, Md., who last got Invite ink in 1998) *C-1: XXXZOO:* Where you can watch the camels hump. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *E-14: MIDIOT:* A half-wit — or, I guess, a three-quarter wit. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) *L-15: UnderCNN:* Where the whoopee cushion is placed in the White House briefing room. (Bob Kruger) *G-8: WMATAPOX: * A rash of problems brought on by stress in a confined space. (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) *A-10: MOROL* . . . B-12: MAREL* . . . G-3: MDRAL:* Oh, well, if I can't spell it, guess I don't have to be it! — D.J.T., Washington (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) *A-13: OMAROSININE:* Crazy like a crying lowlife dog. — D.J.T. (Jesse Frankovich) *A-2: BROZO:* The relative who always ends a family gathering with "hold my beer." (Connie Schott, West Plains, Mo.) *A-4: OOH OOH STOP:* Right there, almost got it, that's it! (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) *A-8: SLOMEMORATE:* To take two days to lower the flag to half-staff. (Jesse Frankovich) *B-14: FOURARM:* What Vishnu does when forewarned. (Paul White, Gainesville, Va., a First Offender) *C-1: XXXROTH:* Stormy Daniels's retirement fund. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) *C-4: HOOHAM: You know how they say you can eat every part of a pig? Well, there's a delicacy made from female hogs. . . (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *C-4: HRRKTOO:* How to spell "hairball" in Phlegmish. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *D-3: TOOSIT:* Responds that they've also done that. "No matter what experience I describe, Jim always toosit." (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) *D-7: VOMITOM:* A zero-star review from The Post's restaurant critic . (Ben Aronin, Washington) *D-7: VOMITOMA:* A telltale bruise on the forehead from throwing up in the toilet all last night. (Frank Osen) *F-10: BILLG: Where Trump puts invoices from his contractors. (David Peckarsky) *F-5: TOOTOO: A plus-size ballet skirt. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *F-5: TOPMARX:* What you need to graduate Phi Beta Kapital. (Chris Doyle) *G-15: DULLY: An eatery specializing in bologna on Wonder bread. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *G-17: DT U LYR:* A popular blue-state license plate. (Ellen Ryan) *G-9: SPORTOZOA: The Very Little League. (Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington) *H-2: WED: How to Get a Divorce, Step 1. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *J-4: ABREVIMATING: "Are we almost finished? I think I left something on the stove." (Frank Osen) *K-4: BARDER:* To sing for your supper. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *K-9: MAINLYBBQ*: The Texas food pyramid. (Ward Kay) *L-14: BUG:* Russia's national insect. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *N-7*:*DANGRY: Of a mild-mannered person, hopping mad. "Bobbie Sue is really dangry. I just heard her say "Darn it all to heck!" (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *O-1: GRITZY: Upscale Southern: "Ribs, collards and POLENTA?" (Beverley Sharp)** /And Last:/ P-10: DRUEL:* A two-man race for Loser of the Year. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)** *Still running — deadline Monday, Sept. 24: our contest for "typos" in headlines. See wapo.st/invite1297 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1299, published September 30, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1299: OK, hivemind! A contest with new Scrabble words Plus the winning bad news/REALLY bad news jokes(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // September 27 (Click here to skip down to the winning bad-thing/REALLY-bad-thing jokes) *ARANCINI (rice balls) "†' rice "†' Condoleezza "†' condo leaser "†' Scott Pruitt "†' EPA "†' creepy A "†' "The Scarlet Letter" "†' Puritans "†' witch hunt "†' his latest tweet "†' FACEPALM (an "oh, no" gesture) Three weeks ago, Merriam-Webster announced some of the words it had just added to its online dictionary , and we asked you to write poems featuring them (see the results of Week 1296 next week). Now, this week, M-W has announced additions to its Scrabble dictionary — including the strategically important /ew, OK / and /zen — / 50 of which we list below. So what to do with them? Gaack, not poems again. So the Empress polled the hivemind of the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook (without showing the words, of course) and went with the suggestion of Loser Hildy Zampella. *This week: Choose any two of the words in the list at the bottom of this column as the beginning and end of a humorous word chain of 6 to 14 words or phrases, linked by subject matter, by synonyms or by punning, as in the example above. The list below has links to the Scrabble dictionary's mini-definitions; my Style Conversational column(wapo.st/conv1299 , published late afternoon Thursday, Sept. 27) has a list of all the definitions so you won't have to click on each one; or you can look them up at scrabble.merriam.com . Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1299 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a genuine*snapping-turtle skull,* found in a swampy area near Richmond by Loser Jeff Shirley, who may have used his skills as a dentist to clean and polish it to an attractive semi-shine. It's surprisingly large, at least as big as the Empress's fist, even though, lacking a jaw, it will not snap. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "Idiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct 8; results published Oct. 28 (online Oct. 25). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Badder Up" for this week's results is by Jon Gearhart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *BADDER UP: THE LOSING AND REALLY LOSING JOKES FROM WEEK 1295 *In Week 1295 we asked for signs of some unfortunate thing, paired with a /really / unfortunate thing. 4th place: *Sign that your husband is unfaithful:* He has sex with a movie star named Stormy. *Sign that your husband is REALLY unfaithful:* He has sex with a movie star named Lassie. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) 3rd place: Don't worry: This snapping turtle skull — this week's second prize — is missing the jawbone. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) *Sign of an out-of-control food fad:* Before Labor Day they're selling pumpkin spice latte. *Sign of a REALLY out-of-control food fad:* Before Labor Day they're selling pumpkin spice sushi. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) 2nd place /and the notepad that looks like a bitten-off chocolate bar :/ *You might be "out of the mainstream"* if you think Alex Jones is on the level. *You might be REALLY "out of the mainstream"* if Alex Jones thinks you are on the level. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Sign that you're too old to pick up young women: When they see you, they cross the street. *Sign that you're REALLY too old to pick up young women:* When they see you, they help you cross the street. (Brian Allgar, Paris) Direr straits: Honorable mentions *Sign that your brakes are going:* An annoying chirping sound. *Sign that your brakes are really going: An annoying crashing sound. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) *Sign your country is in trouble: An unstable, race-baiting moron is the president. *Sign your country is really in trouble:* Half the country says, "So?" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Sign you might be a cheapskate: You shop at Dollar Tree. *Sign you might really be a cheapskate: You haggle at Dollar Tree. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *Sign things aren't going well with your girlfriend:* She dumps you. *Sign things really aren't going well with your girlfriend:* She dumps you in a landfill. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Sign your kid's in trouble at school:* Teachers describe him as "disturbed" and "out of control." *Sign he's really in trouble: They call him "presidential." (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Sign you're on edge:* Your wife's singing is driving you crazy. *Sign you're really on edge:* She's singing to Robert Mueller. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Sign there was a terrible mistake and you should immediately quit your new job: After your orientation, you realize you have no applicable skills, and don't even understand the list of your job responsibilities. *Sign there was a really terrible mistake and you should immediately quit your new job: After your inauguration . . . (Dallas Baker, Arlington, Va.) *Sad:* The combined ages of the Beatles is currently 154. Really sad:* There are only two of them. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) *Sign you're getting old: You can't stand your kids' music. *Sign you're really getting old: You can't hear your kids' music. (Melissa Balmain; Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Sign you might be in legal trouble: Your business partner agrees to testify against you. *Sign you might really be in legal trouble:* Your lawyer agrees to testify against you. (Mark Raffman) *Sign you are a bit anal:* You neatly fold your underwear as soon as you take it out of the dryer. *Sign you are really anal: You neatly fold your underwear before putting it in the dirty-clothes hamper. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) *Sign you should be suspicious of your doctor: He always makes you put your feet in the stirrups. *Sign you should be really suspicious:* He's your eye doctor. (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) *Bad*: A naked man appears at your window. *Really bad:* You're in the confessional at the time. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) *Sign you have bad breath:* The person next to you edges away. *Sign you really have bad breath: The turkey buzzard next to you edges away. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) *Sign you have man-boobs:* When you go shirtless, guys make jokes about you. *Sign you really have man-boobs:* When you go shirtless, guys stuff singles in your shorts. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Sign you are a lazy proofreader: You don't notice that autocorrect changed several words, distorting your intended message. *Sign you are really lazy:* You don't notice that autofocus Chang several words, thereby distracting your intense meshugah. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) *Sign your glory days are over: You get injured playing basketball. *Sign your glory days are really over:* You get injured watching basketball. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *You have a bad commute into D.C.:* You're starting to think biking would be faster. *You have a really bad commute into D.C.: You're starting to think the Red Line would be faster. (Duncan Stevens) *Sign you're an unlucky heir:* Your grandmother added a note to her will that she left you a box of gold bullion but forgot where she put it. *Sign you're a really unlucky heir: When you finally find it, you realize she also forgot how to spell "bouillon." (Frank Osen) *Sign you're a corrupt plutocrat:* You make policy decisions involving corporations in which you have financial ties.* Sign you're a really corrupt plutocrat: ...and you swipe Sweet n' Low packets from restaurants. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Sign that it's a bad play: Half the audience leaves at intermission. *Sign that it's a really bad play:* Half the cast leaves at intermission. (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) *Sign you're getting old:* You begin reminiscing about old sports memories during work. "Why, I can still remember the first time I was the quarterback and won the championship"¦"* Sign you're really getting old: Your Patriots teammates tell you to shut up and call a play. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Sign that the Texas Democrats need your vote:* You get a robocall from Beto. *Sign that the Texas Democrats really need your vote: You get a booty call from Beto. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Sign that sea level rise is getting serious:* It threatens the Outer Banks. *Sign that sea level rise is getting really serious*: It threatens the investment banks. (Dudley Thompson) *Bad: Your doctor botched your breast enhancement surgery. *Really bad*: You were scheduled for a vasectomy. (Craig Dykstra) *Sign you're going overboard with your new hobby:*You just spent $2,500 on a new bicycle. *Sign you're really going overboard with your new hobby:* You just spent $2,500 on an old truck to carry your new $10,000 bicycle. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) *Sign you love The Style Invitational:* You clear a place on your mantel for the day you win the Lose Cannon. *Sign you really love The Style Invitational:* You returned your fancy new refrigerator because the doors weren't magnetic. (Kevin Mettinger) ** Still running — deadline Monday, Oct. 1: our contest for things that can be abbreviated GHI, HGH, etc. See wapo.st/invite1298 . These 50 words, for use in this week's word chain contest, are among those recently added by Merriam-Webster to its Scrabble dictionary. For the dictionary's brief definition, click on one of the links below; for a list of all the definitions, see this week's Style Conversational column (published late afternoon on Thursday, Sept. 27) at wapo.st/conv1299 . aquafaba arancini beatdown bestie bibimbap bitcoin bizjet bokeh botnet cankle captcha capcom chyron conlang cotija emoji ew exome facepalm farro frowny gamify hivemind judgy listicle macaron mulloway nutjob nubber OK onboard papasan pizzazz puggle rootkit santoku schneid sheeple sho sriracha substorm truther twerk upcycle vape wayback wordie yowza zen zomboid ====================================================================== WEEK 1300, published October 7, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1300: Botch office sensations Change a movie plot to an unlucky '13'; plus poems from new dictionary words "All the President's Men 13: Roger Ailes replaces Ben Bradlee." (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // October 4(Click here to skip down to the winning poems featuring new dictionary words) *All the President's Men 13:* Ben Bradlee is replaced by Roger Ailes. Woodward and Bernstein are reassigned to compiling the garden club meeting calendar. *The Graduate 13:* Ben and Elaine jump into a Metrobus. It promptly breaks down. *Thelma and Louise 13:* Our heroines get caught and are sentenced to life in the Senate Judiciary Committee room. Thirteen hundred weeks, people — wish us luck on the next hundred contests until we're out of the superstition zone (Week 1400 should come your way on Sept. 6, 2020). Meanwhile, the Empress received numerous suggestions from the Loser Community for a contest pegged to Week 1300, and was intrigued by this one by Duncan Stevens. Duncan noted that a "13" in a movie title often is a signal that something is about to go terribly wrong; think of "Apollo 13," "Friday the 13th," the horror movie "The Thirteenth Floor." So: Add "13" to an existing movie title, and some humorous trouble to the plot, as in Duncan's examples above. For this latest of his many successful contest suggestions, Mr. Stevens wins yet another milkshake from the E; at this rate, the ultra-lanky Duncster will start putting on weight by Sept. 6, 2020. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1300 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a big red T-shirt advertising Ben & Jerry's ice cream — in Hebrew. The Israeli shirt (Ben & Jerry's has been in Israel for 40 years) was found in a thrift store and donated by Loser Marleen May. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 15; results published Nov. 4 (online Nov. 1). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Merriament" is by Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *MERRIAMENT: POEMS FROM NEW DICTIONARY WORDS* **In Week 1296* we listed some of the terms that were just added to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary and asked the Loser Community to write short poems featuring them. 4th place Meddly-beddly, Vigilant hacktivists,* We're out here striving to Keep your vote clean; "Gelidat [as in "gelato"] Ben and Jerry." This Israeli T-shirt is this week's 2nd prize. /Da, /we're the good guys, it's Incontrovertible! See you Election Day 2018. — V. Putin, Moscow (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place *TL;DR, /"too long; didn't read"/ The editor sent back my poem. I found his rejection bizarre. "Thanks for the haiku," it said, "But sorry. TL;DR." (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 2nd place /and the mildly risque dog-themed magnets : / GOAT, /"greatest of all time"/ /To "Danny Boy": (link to the parody is to a video sung by Loser Sandy Riccardi) / Oh, Donny Boy, the perps, the perps are singing, From Flynn to Cohen, and now 'tis Manafort. Bob Mueller's here, each day new charges bringing, Till soon 'tis you who'll have his day in court. Can't go ye back to realty shyster jefe, Where you're the GOAT* at stiffing schmoes you rooked. The jig is up, and you're in deep covfefe. Oh, Donny Boy, oh, Donny Boy, your goose is cooked! (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: I sent a letter to my love, admiring from afar, Returned! A hand-writ note above it said, "TL;DR."* Though some might think she's blown me off, still I prefer to dream, My love's response, in code (don't scoff!) means: "True Love — Diane Rehm." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Not quite the GOAT: Honorable mentions *Marg, /margarita;/ mocktail, /non-alcoholic mixed drink; /flight, /a sampler of small drinks: / A marg* that's made with mango? A teeny li'l umbrella? Well out here in Durango, it ain't fit fer a fella. We menfolk here drink whiskey, or Coors (and not Coors Light)! But mocktails?* Son, that's risky! (So's orderin' a "flight"!*) We cotton to bravado. It's just our Western creed, So git from Colorado — unless you got some weed. (Mark Raffman) *Guac,/guacamole:/ * /To "Walk on the Wild Side": / Chef Jose downtown at the Mex Cafe Works at the grill nonstop throughout the day. Strangers enter, never stay; Take a bite and they're red in the head; They say, "Hey, man, make your guac* on the mild side. Jose, buddy, make your guac on the mild side." (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) */Cybercrime / Technology has changed our world, Completely, wholly, totally. With cybercrime,* now robbers, too Can do their work remote-ally. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) *// Hangry,/hungry and angry:/ *"Let's do a remake!" cried the young producer. "You know that film with ticked-off dudes in ties? They're on a jury? Yeah, from way back when. Our cast'll be way hotter and way looser And (Arby's product placement!) craving fries. My working title? Duh! Twelve Hangry* Men. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y,) Now listen, Steve Bannon, that fire in your belly Means you're hangry,* go nosh at a nice kosher deli, Because after November the sixth, you should know, The alt-right and you will be eating Jim Crow. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Gochujang, /a Korean condiment: / Said the heir, with a look that could kill, "Ugh! This gochujang tastes just like swill! Is it poisoned? Gone bad? 'Cause they served it to Dad, And I think it's what made Kim Jong Il." (Mark Raffman) If ever I've a throat so sore That neither tea and honey nor Hot toddies bring relief, a marg*'ll Be the drink I choose to gargle. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Mise en place,* /setting up food to ensure efficient cooking:/ Tonight I'm giving mise en place a chance, To make my darling wife a meal with ease: I've opened up the box well in advance Of when I'll mix and nuke our mac and cheese. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *// Generation Z,* /born 1995 or later: / *Tell me, why does old Senator Fred show disdain For the young, earnest members of Gen-Z? It's because they don't vote; twentysomethings abstain. So he's not in a pandering frenzy. (Duncan Stevens) *Adorbs, /adorable: / Your baby's as cute as can be; In fact, he is truly adorbs!* What? Hold him? Okay, I'll agree (As long as his diaper absorbs . . . ) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Force quit,* /*reset a computer page* / / In Re the Weather Channel Guy: / Leaning into the squall as the waves lap his thigh, Hear him scream, "Storm has surged! Gale has gusted!" In the background, what's this? Folks are sauntering by, Walking straight, on dry turf. Now you're busted! Still he flails and he yells: "This is huge! All must go!" At my keyboard, indignant, I force quit.* When another storm comes, will I heed him? Heck, no! All his wind shill turned out to be horse poop. (Nan Reiner) *Zoodles,* /*zucchini shredded to look like spaghetti:* /On the noodle variety roster, The zoodle* is just an impasta. (Jesse Frankovich) Disney's remaking a flick, so they say, More befitting the food tastes in fashion today. We'll still seethe Tramp and his Lady canoodle , But they'll kiss at the end of a gluten-free*zoodle. (Chris Doyle) Said Romeo to Juliet, "Hot damn, you're such a hottie! Your azure orbs are totes adorbs,* Your booty's fine, my shawty. To meet a chick as sweet as you — What luck our paths have crossed! You're down to get it on, I bet." Said Juliet: "Get lost!" (Matt Monitto) I went late last night to my fav* new Tex-Mex, For some guac* and some margs that were better than sex, And a salad with avo* and zukes* dressed with 'grette, Then I paid with my AmEx and left in my 'Vette. All that may sound bougie, but what gives me chills Is talking like this, dropping so many sylls. (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) /Trump disdains Sessions for lack of Ivy League degree / *Salty, /*bitter and resentful: /For Trump, there's a trait that's essential To gain his respect and his trust: You need that elite-school credential — Yes, Ivy attendance: a must. You're enraged by elite condescension? You mock his detractors as "salty"?* Went Trump to get back at pretension? It seems that your premise was faulty. (Duncan Stevens) *Hophead, /a beer enthusiast:/ *A hophead* once said with a hiss, "I know beer and it clearly ain't /this/. Beer is hearty and bold And delicious when cold; This just tastes like a pint of warm ... Budweiser." (Jesse Frankovich) *And Last: My mail is unanswered, my house is a mess; This contest is truly a*time suck! *My garden needs weeding, my shirts need a press; (To make matters worse, now I'm rhyme-stuck!) But hope springs eternal; could this be a winner? (I'll just tell my husband, "Aw, fix your own dinner.") (Beverley Sharp) *And Even Laster: Puzzledy wuzzledy, Why did the Empress not Publish my masterpiece, Raising the bar? Maybe it isn't so Incomprehensible: Two hundred pages, marked *"TL; DR." (Beverley Sharp) *And Lastly Last of All Lasts: I haven't a clue what I'm s'posed to do; why can't she just make my life simple? 'Cause reading all words is only for nerds — I'd rather be popping a pimple. I'll only support a column that's short; and hers is just too time-consuming. I won't play her game, just look for my name; don't see it and I am left fuming. Give "someone else" ink and truly I think her column would be a lot finer, But it's just no fun predicting who won; congrats (but not really) Nan Reiner. So what I did seek—the rules for this week*—were probably found in Pat's writing, But she went too far; it's*TL;DR;* her Style is far from Invite-ing. The two of us know where this one will go; we don't need Joe Friday from "Dragnet." So just make it fast and give me "And last"; Begrudgingly, I'll take my magnet. (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.) *Including "eight lines max." * *Still running — deadline Monday, Oct. 8: Our contest to create word chains beginning and ending with new words in the Scrabble dictionary. See wapo.st/invite1299 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1301, published October 14, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1301: Tell us a Fib As in Fibonacci — mini-poems of 20 syllables in 6 lines. Plus the winning "typo" headlines.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // October 11 (Click here to skip down to the winning "typo" headlines) *"Hell,* *Yeah,* *I like* *To drink beer!" * He said with a slurp.* *"It's party time, bro judges! [Burp.]"* Here's a poetry contest we've done only one other time, and that was back in 2006, right after it was introduced by blogger Gregory Pincus. It's called the Fib, for Fibonacci sequence, a numerical series in which, after the first two, each number is the sum of the two before it. It's reflected all over nature, such as in nautilus shells, spiraling tree branches, and Week 659 of The Style Invitational. The Fib counts by syllables, and we'll do this week's contest as we did back then, except that we won't insist on subjects from today's headlines (though we know we'll get them anyway). This week: Write a humorous poem of 20 syllables divided among six lines like this: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8. And at least two — any two — of the lines must rhyme. As in the Fib above by Bob Staake Himself. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1301 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a giant ceramic mug — or maybe it'd be better as a vase — from the Rattlesnake Museum in Albuquerque, donated (as was an earlier one we gave out, as well as, yay!, a future one) by Invite fan but not a Loser Mary Ellen Stroupe. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 22; results published Nov. 11 (online Nov. 8). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Nan Reiner; David Peckarsky, Roger Dalrymple and Roy Ashley all submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . This week's column looks back on some of the from-the-headline names in our 2006 Fibs contest; do /you/ remember Kaavya Viswanathan? And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *ScOops! Headline 'typos' from Week 1297* In*Week 1297* we asked you to change a real headline with a "typo," then write a bank head, or subtitle, to explain the resulting story. 4th place: *Autumn activities abundant in area urea* Pumpkin spice use detected by new drug tests (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) If the snake's expression doesn't wake you up, the vat of coffee will. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) 3rd place: **Target tries to entice seasonal workers porkers* Call goes out early for store Santas (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 2nd place and the pathetic tractor glitter globe : *Still ticking tickling, with a message *New Elmo toy teaches kids to obtain consent before touching (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Honorable-mention entry by David Young, Falmouth, Mass. *Crude Crud stockpiles fall for a fifth week* Experts fear end of yard sales if shortage worsens (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Typo negatives: Honorable mentions *Senate approves $8.4 billion legislative package to combat opioid crisis crisps* Grim new meaning for 'Bet you can't eat just one' (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *For the first time, the Met Mets will perform opera on Sundays* After lousy season, players hope for more success with different kind of tragedies (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) *Amazon's Alexa is coming for your microwave, wall clock and more amore* Will offer bedside coaching during lovemaking (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *School district's plan to arm harm employees rejected Staffers won't have to eat cafeteria fish sticks after all (Eileen Doll, Gwynn Oak, Md.) *Still boldly oldly going* Costly Harvard study determines that centenarians are more likely to die than the young (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Still boldly coldly going* Local family celebrates refrigerator's 50-year mark, promises to 'clean it out someday' (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Still boldly going goring: Former pacifist Ferdinand prepares for 12th bullfight (John Hutchins) *There's no such thing as a good wedding welding poem* A verse on flux/unduly sucks. (Jeff Contompasis) *3 charged with huge luge fraud on investors* Was just an old sled with 'Rosebud' painted on it (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Apple's priciest iPhone model yodel will cost $1,100* The crazy hot market for upscale ringtones (Jeff Swallen, Richmond, Va., a First Offender) *Congress shields airlines from scrutiny over fees feels TSA pat-downs were only the beginning (Francesca Kelly, Highland Park, Ill.) *"¦ over fees pees "¦ over fees feces *Drops requirement for working toilets on planes (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *"¦ over fees feet* Guy sitting next to you can still take off shoes (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) *Better Butter without dudes* All-female remake of "Last Tango" hits theaters (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.; Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Choosing the right shampoo to maintain the most vibrant color colon Our crack team of reporters reviews 6 cleansing products (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Forty-four siblings and end counting* Duggars finally give up on keeping track (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Heavierworkload forkload looks likely for Capitals' Holtby Coach orders goalie to bulk up for season opener (Chris Doyle) *Terps Bounce Right Back With Big Ten Den Blowout U-Md. finally wins a game by trouncing Cub Scout pack (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) *Republicans set dates rates to draw new districts* Reportedly a flat $1 billion for a "very gerry" (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.; Rick Haynes) *Michelle Obama Book Boo Tour Selling Out Arenas* Haters Gonna Hate: Thousands of Birthers Buy Tickets to Jeer at Former First Lady (Dave Airozo) *A fresh beginning for early nearly music Paleo Grunting & Rock-Banging Ensemble begins new concert series (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *Holding Folding pattern* Nats, Redskins, Wizards fans tire of annual end-of-season fade (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *After Massachusetts gas explosions, weary sweary residents ask, what happened?* Question was actually more like 'WTF?' (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *Bulgarian Vulgarian President Signs Decree Uses Extra-Large Crayons to Scrawl Curse Words on Document (Frank Osen) *United ends the day with a deflating tie tire* Soccer team just wants to get home to a hot bath and Netflix, must wait for AAA (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) *Think you know D.C. D.T.? Bill advanced for Smithsonian Museum of Trump (Elden Carnahan) *The merits of building bridges brides* More men opt for DIY robots as mates; "She'll never sag or nag" (Tom Witte) *What's old is new ew Stormy Daniels recounts her famous 'dinner' date (Tom Witte) *LSU beats Auburn on last-second FG FU Vulgarity during audible paralyzes shocked defense (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) *Patriots acquire Gordon Gorgon in trade with Cleveland* Belichick hopes for better protection for Brady (Chris Doyle) *SpaceX changes plans for first moon moan flight All-sex-all-the-time mission increasingly viewed as impractical (Duncan Stevens) *Apple Watch's potential side snide effects* Status symbol brings out worst in braggy owners (Jeff Contompasis; Howard Walderman) *54% back single-payer prayer health care, poll finds* Don't waste God's time with redundant requests, say proponents (Gary Crockett) *Trump may prefer a trade tirade war to a deal with China* Would have chance to pull out whole new set of epithets (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.) *Bama Mama makes it look easy* Yours is setting new scoring records every week (Jesse Frankovich) *Still running — deadline Monday evening, Oct. 15: "13" a movie by changing the plot to where something humorously terrible happens. See wapo.st/invite1300 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1302, published October 21, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1302: Ask Backwards 37 We give the 'answers'; you give the questions. Plus winning GHI (etc.) names. "The Fair to Middling Pumpkin" is one of the "answers" in this week's Ask Backwards contest. You write the questions. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post/with apologies to Charles Schulz) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // October 18 (Click here to skip down to the winning GHI, HGI, GGG, etc., phrases) *A. The Fair to Middling Pumpkin. Q. What did Linus wait up for until the Witching Half-Hour? *A. Elon Musk cologne. Q. What reminds you of burning tire rubber and is so strong you could smell it from space? *"— Elon Musk cologne.* "— It's a popular drinking game, of course.* "— $3.33 an hour. "— A pith helmet.* "— Flake, cake and rake.* "— The Fair to Middling Pumpkin.* "— The Supreme Court's softball team.* "— Superman's hat.* "— An almost-everything bagel.* "— The room where it happened.* "— The womb where it happened.* "— This week's least watched podcast.* "— Two man buns. "— And so we named him Kanye.* "— Grace at the Trumps' Thanksgiving dinner. It's the contest that keeps on contesting, ever since the Empress's predecessor, the Czar, introduced it in Week 24, more than 25 years ago: Above are 15 "answers." Tell us the questions. Do one or more, up to a total of 25 A&Q's. Write the answer first, followed by the question. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1302 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an Icky Squeezy Two-Pack:* a gratifyingly gooey eyeball with some crudely drawn veins and what seems to be an inadvertent cataract starting across the iris; and Sticky the Poo , a poop emoji that not only squishes in one's hand but also " 'splats' & sticks to any flat surface — like walls and doors!" We're excited just from quoting the package! Both donated by Loser Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship" (or perhaps a new design). Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 29; results published Nov. 18 (online Nov. 15). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote this week's honorable-mentions subhead, "Insteadlines" is by Tom Witte and "Webster Diving" by Jon Gearhart. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *IGH-jinks: Report from Week 1298* In Week 1298, continuing through the alphabet in a contest we started two years ago, we asked what organizations, practices, etc., might take the abbreviation GHI, HIG, IGH, etc., or GGG, HHH, III, or in between. 4th place: *GHI: Graham Hysteria Index: "Well, he wasn'tscreaming and clawing the drapes, so I'd give today's speech about an 4.3 on the GHI." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Eye-grabbing swag: One of two yucky squeezies for this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) 3rd place: *GHI:* "Go hump internally": PG-13 alternative to "GFY." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.): 2nd place and the gadget that shoots bottle caps : *HIG: Heroes in Government: Committee that now honors the best sandwiches in Washington. (Edward Gordon, Austin) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *GGG: Gentlemanly Gynecological Guidance: Catchy new name for the all-male antiabortion congressional coalition. (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) HIH: Honorably Inferior Humor *GGG: Golden General Guideline: Treat others as you would wish to be treated, except the ones you don't like. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *HGI: Human-generated imagery: A new special-effects variation on CGI — in which, for example, a filmmaker could make it appear that a character is running by having the actor move from one place to another very quickly. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) *IHG: Inflatable Human Gatherings Corp.: At IHG, we'll make your crowd size look HUGE. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *IHG: Intestinal Hijinx Group: First rule: Don't talk about Fart Club. (Jeff Shirley) *HGI: Hansel & Gretel Initiative:* This media project exposes greedy business owners who pay their workers bread crumbs. The owners call it a witch hunt. (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *IGH: Instant Growth Hormone: Discreet term for Viagra. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *GGI: Graphite-Generated Image: What I put on my invoice for a pencil doodle. — Bob Staake , Chatham, Mass. (Jeff Contompasis) *GHI: Giraffe-hippo interbreeding: After that unfortunate gipporaffe project, a code name for unethical scientific whimsy. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *GHG: Good Homes & Gardens: A magazine for those who just want to keep up with the Joneses, without the pressure to be Better. (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.) *IGI: International Gathering of Introverts: "Holding Sparsely Attended Conventions Since 1962." (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) /And Last: / HIH*:*Highly * Hypothetically * Hardly* *Intelligent Humor:* Ink. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) And we have extra space this week for some previously unseen losers of past contests: Insteadlines: More 'typos' from Week 1297 In Week 1297 we asked you to change a real headline by one character, then write a bank head, or subtitle, to explain the resulting story. See the original ink at wapo.st/invite1301. *Immortal comic combat wombat* Marvel unveils first marsupial superhero (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *3 charged with huge hug fraud on investors* Promised warm embraces, delivered only awkward handshakes (Gary Crockett) *FAA bill could cut excessive air fees pees Airplane toilet doors to open after 60 seconds (Chris Doyle) *Duo's spell smell is unbroken* College roommates enter fourth week of 'no deodorant until graduation' pledge (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *In the Southwest, it's still full steam stream ahead Feel-the-burn scientists claim chili peppers improve urine flow (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Metro weighing big- pig-event fare hikes* Special rates proposed for next alt-right rally (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) *Montgomery schools to provide condoms condos 'Back seats of parents' cars are too uncomfortable these days,' argues county sex ed administrator (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) *Doctor put on probation must inform unform patients* Patients' faces fall over reverse facelifts (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) /And Last: / *Kavanaugh offers details on birth mirth control comments* Judge argues that banning Style Invitational is 'in the public interest' (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) Webster diving: More new-word poems from Week 1296 In Week 1296 we asked for short poems featuring one of 35 words recently added to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary. See the original ink at wapo.st/invite1300 . *Nanobot, a very tiny robotic tool *Robots, robots everywhere, At home, at work, at play. They even offer sexbots now, The future is today! Last week the White House ordered one, But when asked "What size? What price?" They said, "Just add it to the debt, A nano should suffice." (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) *Avo (avocado); guac (guacamole)* My recipe for guac is simp — there's not a lot of prep: Two avos, half a mato, some cilan and one hot pep. (Jesse Frankovich) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct 22: our contest for "Fib" mini-poems, 20 syllables over 6 lines. See wapo.st/invite1301 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1303, published October 28, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1303: Neologisms to di- for Replace a digraph (a 2-letter blend) in a word with another one. Plus winning word chains. Skinchilla -- an example of replacing one digraph with another. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // October 25(Click here to skip down to the winning word chains from Week 1299.) *Skinchilla: The least warm fur stole ever.* *Bling shift: The time between the end of your day job and closing time at the club.* *Crone fruit: Pitted prunes. Here's a brand-new contest idea from Hall of Fame Loser Jeff Contompasis. Jeff was seeing a commercial for the show "Trading Spaces" but, as someone who has occasional incidents of dyslexia, kept reading the logo as "Spading Traces." And so, as a True Loser, he suggested a contest with digraphs — blends of two letters, either vowels or consonants, that make one simultaneous sound. This week: Replace a digraph in an existing word or phrase with another digraph to make a new term,* as in Jeff's own examples above, and describe the result. It'll probably be funnier if the original term is recognizable, and a funny sentence showing how the word might be used is always welcome. While there are various technical definitions of "digraph," ours will be of two adjacent letters, and will include silent letters. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1303 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives our Deluxe Culinary Gift Pack courtesy of Loser Connie Schott of West Plains, Mo.: There's an apron emblazoned with the "Squirrel Pot Pie" logo of the Ozark Heritage Festival, from right in West Plains, and — nope, sorry, no squirrel pot pie, but the next best thing: two big sticks of Roadkill,* which is like a Slim Jim but instead of beef and chicken, its ingredients include "venison, elk, wild boar (meat from feral swine) . . . pheasant, rabbit . . ." Perhaps it's a diet like this that accounts for the disproportionate presence of three denizens of West Plains (population 12,000) among the Loser Community, accounting for 240 blots of Style Invitational ink, including 10 wins. I'm thinking it's the elk. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship" (or perhaps a new design). Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 5; results published Nov. 25 (online Wednesday, Nov. 21). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; Dave Prevar and Tom Witte each submitted this week's honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *WORD SERIES MVPs: THE CHAINS OF WEEK 1299* **In*Week 1299 we posted a list of words that were recently added to Merriam-Webster's Scrabble dictionary, and asked the Losers to take any two of the words and create a word chain to link them, by meaning, similar sounds or both. Hildy Zampella's elegantly pithy "LISTICLE > testicle > NUTJOB" made the Empress wish she hadn't stated a minimum of six words in the chain. Baffled by some of the connections? Click on the links in the chains below for explanations or at least hints.) 4th place*: Direct from the Ozarks, only part of this week's second prize. *OK*> Oklahoma > Cherokee > Indian nickel > Ni > Knights Who Say Ni > Monty Python > king cobra > Stephen King > "Carrie" > John le Carré > Smiley >*frowny* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 3rd place: *Bestie* > old chum > shark bait > American Bar Association >"I like beer" > Dos Equis > XX > "Twenty Ways to Please Your Man" > listicle* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place /and the real snapping-turtle skull :/ *Sho* (old Tibetan currency) > "Show me the money!" > Tom Cruise > "Risky Business" > Paul Manafort > singing > Aretha > urethra > golden shower > ew*! (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Zen > Buddhist > Christian > Fletcher Christian > Mutiny on the Bounty > paper towels > Hurricane Maria > "Wind in the Willows" > Mr. Toad's Wild Ride > Stormy Daniels > substorm* (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Second strings: Honorable mentions *Captcha* >"I'm not a robot" > Marco Rubio > bottled water > Aquafina > *aquafaba* (Jesse Frankovich) *Captcha* > "not a robot" > Turing Test > Alan Turing > "The Imitation Game" > Rich Little > Notorious B.I.G > Notorious RBG > RBF > frowny* (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *Sheeple* > must have $1,099 iPhone XS > I phone exes > "I Want You Back" > Jackson Five > Michael Jackson > "Thriller" > zomboid* (Luke Baker, Columbia, Md.) *Hivemind* > the Borg > Bjorn Borg > Björn Again > John 3:3 > Papa John's > papasan* > Comfy Chair > Monty Python > "The Full Monty" > twerk* (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *Farro (a grain) >wheat > Wil Wheaton > Star Trek > Patrick Stewart > Saint Patrick > St. Louis > Arch > Archibald Cox > Watergate > Deep Throat > "Deep Throat" > nutjob* (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Puggle* (pug-beagle) > boxer > Oscar De La Hoya > Georgetown Prep > Brett Kavanaugh> boys will be boys > Green Mountain Boys > Vermont >Ben & Jerry's >Cherry Garcia > the Grateful Dead > Phish > *rootkit (computer hacking tools) (Chris Doyle) *Puggle* > snuggle > foreplay > four-ply > Cottonelle > president's foot > cankles* (fat ankles) (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Listicle* > Popsicle > "Pop Goes the Weasel" > slimeball > spit > vice presidency > Pence > sterling > starling > cuckoo >*truther* (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) *Bizjet > airplane > "Don't call me Shirley" > Shirley Temple > Good Ship Lollipop > Pudding Pops > Bill Cosby > 3 to 10 > "3:10 to Yuma" > Jeff Flake > snowflake > Snow White > Grumpy > frowny* (Kevin Dopart) *Sriracha* > Tabasco > Louisiana > New Orleans > Mardi Gras > "Girls Gone Wild" > spring break > Springsteen > "Born in the USA" > born again > Mike Pence > lap dog > puggle* (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Vape* > inhale > Bill Clinton > Hillary Clinton > server > Serena Williams > Robin Williams > standup > Viagra > yowza* (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Mulloway* (a kind of fish) > jewfish > gefilte fish > carp > carpe diem > seize the day > search and seizure > Julius Caesar > Veni Vidi Vici > Gaul > Macron > macaron* (Mark Raffman) *Wayback* > WABAC machine > Mr. Peabody > Sherman > tanks > you're welcome > /Willkommen/ >"Cabaret" > cabernet > France > *macaron* (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Conlang* (an invented language) >High Valyrian > "GoT" > Got Milk? > spilled milk > no use crying > "No Woman, No Cry" > reggae > Rasta > ganja > wacky tobacky > vape* (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *Farro > wheat > Wheaties > Special K > 401(k) > ESOP > Aesop > "The Tortoise and the Hare" > "Yertle the Turtle" > Mitch McConnell > Elaine Chao > chow chow > puggle* (Chris Doyle) *Zen > koan > Cohen > "the fixer" > "The Fixer" > Malamud > malamute > sled >Kane > mutiny > Bounty > paper towels >Puerto Rico > *facepalm (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Pizzazz* > ZZ Top > James Beard > Julia Child >Meryl Streep > Abba > Waterloo > beatdown* (William Pifer-Foote, Carmichael, Calif.) *Chyron* > crawl > creep > rake > leaves > "Free Fallin' " >Tom Petty > Heartbreakers > jawbreakers > Jolly Rancher > Jolly Roger > pirate > stolen treasure > *bitcoin* (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) *Emoji > emotion > jealousy > Othello > checkers > exchequer > Brexit > EU > ew* (Jim Blue, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Aquafaba (water in which beans were boiled) > chickpeas > chicks pee > "the dossier" > Christopher Steele > Bethlehem Steel > "Away in a Manger" > /Mangia bene/ > *arancini* (Italian rice balls) (Mark Raffman) *Sriracha > red beans > sriracha > red beans > sriracha, sriracha > red beans > sriracha, sriracha, sriracha > red beans > yowza (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Farro* > pharaoh > Moses > Bush >Katrina > the Big Easy > Your Mama > cankles* (Jesse Frankovich) *Truther* > whatever > whatever > whatever > whatever > nutjob* (Mark Raffman) *Nutjob* > flake > Tony the Tiger > "Life of Pi" > geometry > Oval Office > Monica Lewinsky > B.J. Hunnicutt > "M*A*S*H" > battlefield surgery >*ew (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.) *Facepalm* > Palm Beach > Mar-a-Lago > Lagos, Nigeria > Nigerian prince scam > catfish > mulloway* (Pam Sweeney) *Capcom > NASA > Nassau > Bahama Mama > Mother, May I? > Mike Pence > Veep > VIP > pooh-bah > Winnie the Pooh > Christopher Robin > Robin Thicke > "Blurred Lines" > *bokeh* (Chris Doyle) *Bitcoin* > cybercash > Johnny Cash > "Ring of Fire" > "You're Fired!" > "Celebrity Apprentice" > "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" > F minor > D minor > minor edema > *cankle* (Mark Raffman) *Santoku* (chef's knife) > cleaver > Beaver > Oregon > "Portlandia" > Fred and Carrie > Carrie Underwood > Underwood Deviled Ham > Mason Reese > Reese Witherspoon > gag me with a spoon > ew* (Chris Doyle) *Schneid* (losing streak) > losers > Style Invitational > Empress > impress > flattery > flatter the E > "The best E!" > bestie (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 29: Our perennial Ask Backwards contest. See wapo.st/invite1302. ====================================================================== WEEK 1304, published November 4, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1304: What if you could wonder . . . whatever? Plus the winning 'thirteening' of movie plots to make something go wrong(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // November 1 (Click here to skip down to the winning "13" movies) *"— What if we evolved from reptiles? We would go to McDonald's and order a Big Rat and an order of flies. (Jonathan Paul) *"—What if, instead of air bags, they put sharp metal spikes on the steering column? Seat belt use would go way up. (Art Grinath) *"—What if men really did enjoy being "just held and cuddled"? What would they carry in their wallets — tiny packets of Snuggle fabric softener?* (Sue Lin Chong) *"—What if instead of an Easter Bunny, we had an Easter Fish? It sure would be tricky, decorating caviar. (Jean Sorensen) Here's a contest that's as wide open as they come, and I think the only time the Invite ran it was all the way back in 1995, in the pre-Empress days of the Czar. This week: Present a "what if" scenario and explain its effect,* as in the examples above from Week 140. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1304 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Bovine Recycling Two-Pack* consisting of a nice little blank-page journal of paper made from cattle dung (donated by Dave Prevar), plus a dainty, Chihuahua-size "candy cane" dog chew made from beef pizzle, which is the bull's, you know, pizzle. Donated by Donna Peremes. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship" (or perhaps a new design). Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 12; results published Dec. 2 (online Thursday, Nov. 29). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The "Wryday the 13th" headline was submitted by both Mark Raffman and Beverley Sharp; Kevin Dopart and Jesse Frankovich each submitted this week's honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Face-book at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1304 ; this week the Empress looks back on the inking entries of Week 140, the last time we did this week's contest. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *WRYDAY THE 13TH: MOVIE REPLOTS FROM WEEK 1300* **To celebrate Week 1300* , going with the debatable premise that "13" in a film title signifies that something will really mess up, we asked you to "13" a real movie and describe the plot. 4th place *Pinocchio 13:* The first wooden president finds his arms are too short to pick his nose. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Bully! This week's second prize: a journal made of cow-dung paper, and a dog chew made of beef "pizzle." 3rd place *Snakes on a Plane 13: The would-be assassin is foiled when a gate agent questions his "emotional support viper." (David Peckarsky, Tucson) 2nd place a/nd the Hebrew Ben & Jerry's T-shirt : / *Bad News Bears 13,* Washington Nationals 6 (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Basic Instinct 13: Sharon Stone uncrosses her legs, flashing her Depends. (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) Gaffers: Honorable mentions *All Quiet on the Western Front 13:* German soldiers in World War I look up and watch their ace pilot battle a flying doghouse. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Taxi Driver 13:* Travis Bickle finds a welcoming work environment at Uber. (Mark Raffman) *13 Dalmatians:* The remaining pooches will stop at nothing to avenge their 88 littermates who didn't escape Cruella de Vil's fur coat factory. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *Animal House 13: New pledge Brett Blutarsky, a studious young man from Washington, just pumps iron and "works his tail off." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *The Social Network 13:* Instead of presenting the entire movie, the projectionist shows you, in random order, the parts of the movie that he thinks you will like best. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *Casablanca 13: Ilsa can't escape to the United States because of a hastily passed travel ban for travelers from Morocco, upheld by a 5-4 Supreme Court. (Duncan Stevens) *Casablanca 13: Rick gently but firmly pushes Ilsa into the plane, insisting that "Really, Paris was enough," as his "special friend" Louis looks on. (Rob Huffman) *Casablanca 13:* Ilsa thought she would always have it, but the 4.2-ounce bottle of Paris Eau de Parfum doesn't get past security and the plane leaves without her. She regrets it that day, the next, and for the rest of her life. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Being There 13: An aging simpleton with a child's understanding of the world is presented as a presidential candidate — and wins! (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) *Seven Plus Six:* After working his way through the Seven Deadly Sins, sociopath John Doe justifies more bizarre murders by tying them to the Six Hurtful Sins, including forgetting an anniversary and leaving the toilet seat up. (Peter Boice, Rockville, Md.) *Singin' in the Rain 13: A soaked-through Gene Kelly is left with a less than glorious feeling as he catches a nasty cold. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *Speed 13: Our hero must defuse a bomb on a moving Segway without letting it dip below 5 mph. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *The Little Mermaid 13: As Ariel saves the Prince from the sinking boat and is taking him to shore, a large fin appears behind them . . . (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *13 Shades of Grey:* His promiscuity having finally caught up to him, Christian Grey exhibits symptoms of multiple venereal diseases. His urologist has never seen anything quite so . . . colorful. (Bill Dorner) *Animal Crackers 13:* Captain Spaulding is back from the dead and he wants his pajamas back. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Apollo 13 13:* During Elon Musk's maiden voyage, his ego becomes so big that it perforates the spaceship's hull, necessitating a dangerous rescue. (Steve Honley, Washington) *Bee Movie 13: Jerry Seinfeld riffs for 72 minutes about how the number 13 looks like the letter B. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) *13 Pretty in Pink:* Prom turns into a brawl when 13 girls turn up wearing the same pink dress. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) *Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid 13:* The boys head down to Venezuela and rob banks, but nobody cares because the currency is worthless. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *E.T. 13:* A severe allergic reaction to peanuts ends young E.T.'s life as it eats some candy left for it by the well-meaning Elliott. The boy grows up racked with guilt, sending reams of hate mail to Reese's executives. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Hair 13:* The shining gleaming streaming flaxen waxen goes bald. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Iron Man 13:* Tony Stark falls prey to a villainous plot when he orders a new suit and agrees to get the rustproofing. (Jesse Frankovich) *Manhattan 13:* The film ends abruptly when an old creep is finally busted for soliciting a minor. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Mary Poppins 13:* When Mary's umbrella tears, she reaches terminal velocity in 5.6 seconds. (David Young, Falmouth, Mass.) *Pocahontas 13: She agrees to return to England with John Smith and becomes a member of Parliament, but her heritage is ridiculed by King James as just "high cheekbones." (Kevin Dopart) *Field of Dreams 13: A farmer gets hauled before the Dyerville, Iowa, zoning commission for building an unauthorized recreational facility. (Duncan Stevens) *James Bond 13: James meets a woman named "Octopussy" and . . . never mind. That's just TOO stupid. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Last Tango in Paris 13: At exactly the wrong time, Marlon Brando finds the refrigerator is empty. (Mark Raffman) *Lady and the Tramp 13: Tramp loses interest after Animal Control rounds him up in a trap-neuter-return program. (Jeff Contompasis) *Psycho 13: Norman Bates's status as a Korean War veteran finally gets verified, and he begins the process of submitting paperwork to Veterans Affairs seeking treatment for mental illness. (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) *Raiders of the Lost Ark 13: Indiana Jones finds the elusive ark, only to discover that all it contains is the remains of Millard Fillmore. (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.) *The Sound of Music 13: After fleeing the Nazis and settling in the United States, all is well with the von Trapps until Stephen Miller discovers they once sought public assistance in 1945 and deports them all back to Austria. (Frank Mann, Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 5: Our neologism contest in which you replace two letters with two other letters. Seewapo.st/invite1303 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1305, published November 11, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1305: Hits and Googles Looking for Googlenopes and Googleyups; plus winning 'Fib' verses Even since 2007, there haven't been many Google hits for "chocolate covered lettuce." (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // November 8(Click here to skip down to the winning Fib mini-poems.) *Googleyup: "chocolate covered lettuce"* *Googleyup: "chocolate covered steak" *Googleyup: "chocolate covered sand"* *Googleyup: "chocolate covered Volkswagen Beetle parked in front of a supermarket in China"* *Googlenope: "chocolate covered poached mouse fetuses on a lightly toasted poppy-seed bagel with a schmear"* —// /froma list by Gene Weingarten, 2007 / *Googleyup: "Trump is completely honest." (The one hit: "Trump is completely honest about his probable future dishonesty.") *Googleyup: "Twitter brings me peace of mind."* (The one hit: "Lately, staying off Twitter brings me peace of mind.") —/both fromGene Weingarten, 2018 / At a comely age 25, the Style Invitational has grown up — and here's the only way you'll see "Style Invitational" with "grown up" — with Google. And the Invite has played with the search engine in various ways, as has Washington Post humor columnist Gene Weingarten (who until 2003 carried on an intimate, whispered-about relationship with the Empress's predecessor, the Czar). In 2007 Gene coined the term "Googlenope," a word or phrase that generates no Google hits at all, while discovering "Queen Elizabeth's buttocks," "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious-esque"* and "Nelson Mandela is a doo-doo head.*" The same year, the Style Invitational Losers tried it for Week 717 (winner: *"That controversial 'Gilligan's Island' episode"* by Malcolm Fleschner). And aslate as 2010 , Loser Mark Richardson found no hits for*"Nobody understands me like my husband" /or / "Nobody understands me like my wife." We've also had contests for Googlewhacks — a single hit — and Googillions, phrases that drew more than 1 million hits (*"Trump has the same hair on his behind" — J. Larry Schott, 2009). But we never got around to doing the variation that Gene dubbed Googleyups: phrases that surprisingly do have one or more hits out there, if only to negate the sentiment, as in the examples above from Gene's column just last weekend. Obviously, finding unique /and/ interesting hits on Google is a lot harder in 2018 than in 2010, and it was hard then. So the E is broadening her search parameters, so to speak. This week: Find us either a Googlenope — a phrase in quotation marks that generates no previous hits — or a Googleyup, a phrase that surprisingly does have hits. You could even contrast a Googlenope with one or more Googleyups, as Gene did in 2007, or cite an ironic context for the Googleyup, as he did last week. If you come up with an actual Googlenope, note that with your entry. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1305* . Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. And speaking of Pulitzer-Winning Juvenile Armpit-Farters, this week's second prize was donated by Dave Barry, who got it from a fan. It's a nice manly barbecue apron, *probably from 2012, since "Meat Romney" is embroidered onto it. What's manly about it? Well, lurking behind a dish towel attached to the front of the apron is a pendulous foot-long fabric, um . . . as Dave says: "It is difficult to describe this item without using the word 'penis,' but I will try: This is a novelty apron mining the rich, never-gets-old humor vein that is 2012 election humor." /Warning: /Before the Empress will award this prize, the winner must attest in writing to having no taste whatsoever. Otherwise, the E will substitute something more decorous and mature, like a plastic dog turd. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship" (or perhaps a new design). Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 19; results published Dec. 9 (online Thursday, Dec. 6). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote this week's honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter the Googlenopes/Googleyups contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *EASY AS 1,1,2,3 ...: INKING FIB(ONACCI) POEMS* In Week 1301 we asked for Fibs, poems whose syllables per line follow the mathematical Fibonacci sequence of 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8. 4th place: Here's My Foreign Policy: I am no hater, As long as you're a dictator." — /D.J.T, Washington/ (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Gene Weingarten models the presentable, towel-down view of the apron, this week's second prize . (Selfie by Gene Weingarten/The Washington Post) 3rd place: Bread's Not My snack. (Celiac.) But that doughy scent . . . I'm a gluten for punishment. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) 2nd place /and the giant rattlesnake mug : / To Find Single Men at Trump Rallies? Friends guffawed: "The odds are good; the goods are odd." (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Gee, Thanks, Stormy: After your Tale from those plush rooms; I can no longer eat mushrooms. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna Va.) Deputy dawggerel: Honorable mentions Storms, Droughts? Sad jokes! Climate change? Of course it's a hoax! Mar-a-Lago is just fine, folks. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) The Don, Upon Waking up, Was once filled with dread To find ahorseface in his bed. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Eight Years, Steady, Atrophied My nerves for trauma: Now I'm a wreck. Thanks, Obama. (Duncan Stevens) Hue. Cry. "Boohoo . . . What dead guy?" While the world hollers, Donald counts his petrodollars. (Nan Reiner) Now That Midterms Are over, Together we'll grow, Eating either turkey or crow. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Horse Sleigh Snowfall Harness bells The horse knows the way "Wait, where's my phone? Oh no, go back!" (Kristin Braly, Baltimore, a First Offender) Trump And Comrade Vladimir: Two peas in a pod. One thinks he's czar; the other, God. (Ray Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) In A Public Interview If flustered, don't fret: Get in touch with your inner Brett. (Marcus Bales, Cleveland) "No Gal Charging Sex assault Should just be ignored! Except for Christine Blasey Ford." — /Sen. Susan Collins / (Duncan Stevens) Since The Options For voting Are so hard to sift, My go-to source is Taylor Swift. (Jesse Frankovich) I play Tennis. So, alas, Alone I will be. Because love means nothing to me. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Go. Leave. Really, I'll be fine. Don't feel guilty, son. I'm used to loneliness. Have fun. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) "Ah, Beer: Drank beer; I like beer." This Supreme Court push Was sponsored by Anheuser-Busch. (Duncan Stevens) Tough Ruth Speaks truth To her coach: "I want a workout So I can knock that frat jerk out." (Nan Reiner) Now Some Very Fine people Made it cool again To proudly be a hooligan. -- S. Miller (Kevin Dopart, Washington) To Bryce, Advice: At your price (The top of earners!) No dice. (Nats' owners -- slow Lerners). (Mark Raffman) French Lawmaker Proposes Bill to Outlaw Mockery of Accents French Laws Feature New ban—no Dissing bad accents: Wish they'd told my high school teacher. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) /*And Last: /You've Now Read all The snoozers That got ink for the Style Invitational Losers. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 12: our "what if" contest. wapo.st/invite1304* /./ ** ====================================================================== WEEK 1306, published November 18, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1306: PolitiCaroling — a song parody contest Write a song about today's news to a holiday tune. Plus our Ask Backwards winners.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // November 15 (Click here to skip down to the winning and Losing entries to our Ask Backwards contest) /*From Week 585, back in the middle of the George W. Bush administration:* / /To "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"/ *Putin the Red knows tactics * He learned at the KGB.* *Rigging Ukraine's election,* *That's a covert specialty.* *He's not for spreading freedom,* *He just wants complete control.* *Mr. Bush, one suggestion:* *Look again into his soul.* (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va..) Fourteen years ago, and only one of the names has changed. In the Empress's first song parody contest, Loser Harvey Smith referred to the president's response when a reporter asked him if he could trust Vladi­mir Putin: "I looked the man in the eye. I found him very straightforward and trustworthy — I was able to get a sense of his soul." After all these years, we again combine two of the E's passions: song parody contests and Christmas songs. This week: Write a song about something in the news lately — political or otherwise — using a Christmas, Hanukkah or New Year's tune. We'll give you an extra week to get the parodies done. If you make a video, we might feature it in the online Invite, but it's the quality of the lyrics that matters most. Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1306* . Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. And since we're getting our holiday season underway, second place receives a dainty collectible porcelain toilet ornament, in a gift box. Martha Stewart always includes one of these on her own tree. Well, she should. Donated by Kyle Hendrickson. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship" (or perhaps a new design). Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 3; results published Dec. 16 (online Thursday, Dec. 13). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote this week's honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter the parody contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *INKQUIRIES: ASK BACKWARDS WINNERS FROM WEEK 1302* **In Week 1302,* our perennial Ask Backwards contest, the Empress listed 15 "answers" and asked for the questions. Too often for individual credit, the Supreme Court softball team was said to have*no one who'd play in center field,* or that its*games always ended up 5-4.* And that a pith helmet is what should be worn to a golden shower.* 4th place: *A. Grace at the Trumps' Thanksgiving dinner.* Q. After Lisa at the White House Halloween party and Julie at the Veterans Day breakfast, whom did he grab next? (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Yule log not included: This ornament is this week's 2nd prize 3rd place *A. The Supreme Court softball team. Q. What is the latest place Brett Kavanaugh was caught trying to steal third base? (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) 2nd place /and the squeezy eyeball and splatty poop emoji : / A. An almost-everything bagel. Q. What favorite food did Elizabeth Warren cite as evidence of her Jewish heritage? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *A. A pith helmet.* Q. After her idea for special makeup was rejected, what did Megyn Kelly suggest that Melania wear on her Africa trip? (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) Flat is the question: Honorable mentions *$3.33 AN HOUR *What is half the minimum wage in Hell? (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) What is Metro's latest fare for a trip from Dupont Circle to Metro Center ? (Ira Allen, Bethesda) What's probably not the best way to receive your Mega Millions winnings? (Jesse Frankovich) How much would it now cost me to have my event catered by Mario Batali ? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *AN ALMOST-EVERYTHING BAGEL* What's a good breakfast choice for people who are allergic to kitchen sinks? (Rob Huffman, Fredrericksburg) Which Dunkin' Donuts product contains every ingredient except taste? (Mike Gips, Bethesda) What name change did the deli's lawyers suggest for the everything bagel? (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) When you straight-arm the cash register guy, run behind the counter and scream "HOLD THE CARAWAY, DAMMIT!" what do you really want? (Sharon Neeman, Pardes Hanna, Israel) *IT'S A POPULAR DRINKING GAME, OF COURSE *What is Imbibe and Consent? (Jeff Contompasis) What is Ring Around the Rosé? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *FLAKE, CAKE AND RAKE* What are someone Trump alwaysputs down , something he /never/ puts down, and something he never picks up? (Bob Kruger) "Can you please read the instructions on this Budget Back-Hair Removal Kit?" (Will Stutzman, Millersville, Ohio) What words were discarded from early versions of McDonald's slogan "You deserve a break today"? (Beverley Sharp) What's a thing that falls when it's cold, a thing that rises when it's hot, and a thing that goes back and forth when fall rises? (Jesse Frankovich) *GRACE AT THE TRUMPS' THANKSGIVING DINNER* What is "Let us prey"? (Mark Raffman) What includes lots of bragging about electoral college totals? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) What is as rare as chitlins at the Trumps' Thanksgiving dinner? (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) When a dozen new indictments are announced on Nov. 22, what will Fox News be airing? (Allen R. Breon, Clarksville) What are three choruses of "I Feel Pretty"? (Joshua Rokach, Silver Spring, Md.) *AND SO WE NAMED HIM KANYE* You say your new puppy is snippy, wags his tongue a lot, and won't stop yelping? (Mark Raffman) You wanted to name your son an anagram of a country, but didn't like "Uper"? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) After the call from Verizon, what name did Mr. and Mrs. HearMeNow choose for their son? (Connie Schott, West Plains, Mo.) *ELON MUSK COLOGNE * What drives the opposite SECs wild? (J. Larry Schott) What product's slogan is "For when you want to 'go private'?" (Mark Raffman) How does Tesla prevent "new-car smell"? (Dave Christovich, Woodstock, Va., a First Offender) What perk makes the $175 million fare for the SpaceX moon flight such a bargain? (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *A PITH HELMET* What was the entirety of that Sexy Sir Henry Stanley costume? (Jeff Contompasis) What do you need if you're on the ground floor of a two-thtory outhouth? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Dana Austin, Palmyra, Va.) What hat protects its wearer from the glare of an African sun, but not from the glare of a media spotlight ? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *THIS WEEK'S LEAST WATCHED PODCAST* What is "Philately Phunhouse"? (Jeff Contompasis) What is "Finding the Real Killers, With O.J. Simpson and Mohammed bin Salman"? (Duncan Stevens) What is "Money-Saving Halloween Ideas With Megyn Kelly"? (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.; G.T. Bowman, Falls Church, Va.) What's "Dan Snyder's Greatest Sports Moments"? (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) What is "In Pog We Trust: Legends of the 1990s Milk Cap Craze"? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *THE FAIR TO MIDDLING PUMPKIN * What comes on before "A Charlie Beige Christmas"? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) What do you use to make the Pumpkin Spice Blahtte? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) What did the grandparents call their ordinary grandchild? (Kristin Braly, Baltimore) After the ball, what public transportation did Cinderella take to get back to East Middling? (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.; Frank Osen; Will Stutzman) *THE SUPREME COURT SOFTBALL TEAM* Who's No. 1 in the D.C. Justice League? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) What team has no pitchers because they've switched to kegs? (Gary Crockett) Whose mascots are named the Racing Precedents ? (Jeff Contompasis) Whose pitcher would have been drafted by the Red Sox had Game 3 gone one more inning? (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) *SUPERMAN'S HAT* Okay, what/can/ you tug on ? (Dave Christovich) *THE WOMB WHERE IT HAPPENED* How does Donald Trump refer to his mother? (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.; Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) ** Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 19: our Googlenopes/Googleyups contest. See wapo.st/invite1305 .* ====================================================================== WEEK 1307, published November 25, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1307: One for one, for all — a neologism contest Replace one letter in a word with another — plus the winning two-for-twos(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // November 21 (Click here to skip down to this week's winning digraph neologisms) *Blabbergasted*: Stuck with a talkative bus seat neighbor./(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / *Snarknado:* A celebrity roast. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / *Bransit:* What older adults do after breakfast. "After a big bowl of granola, I head to the porcelain library for my daily bransit."/(Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) / Four weeks ago, the Empress asked the Greater Loser Community to come up with new terms in which a digraph — a two-letter single-sound block — was replaced with another digraph. But she neglected to specify that /both/ letters in that pair be changed, although that was the real intention of the contest. In today's Week 1303 results, all the neologisms have a two-letter change, but it wouldn't be fair — to contestants or readers — to ignore those clever words that replaced "sh" with "sn," or "tr" with "br." So we'll ask for that specifically. This week: Replace /one/ letter in an existing word, name or multi-word phrase with /one/ different letter (in the same place in the word) and define or describe the result,* as in the Week 1303 entries above that would have been among this week's honorable mentions. (Heck, I'll even award them Loser magnets.) If you entered Week 1303 with such a word, feel free to use it again for Week 1307. *So after all these Invite neologism contests,* how do you know if your word hasn't already gotten ink for someone else? Now, thanks to 566-time Loser Elden Carnahan, you can quickly search through the text of all 1,306 previous Style Invitational contests in one big low-tech document. See it at wapo.st/invite-archive ; you can also reach it on the Losers' website, nrars.org . Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1307* . Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the Christmas Carol Kazoo,* a three-inch-square box that evidently contains one very little kazoo, plus song cards that are sure to make "Jingle Bells" even more annoying ("Jingle Beeps"?). Donated by Christina Courtney. *AND* for third- and fourth-place Losers, back by Loserly demand: We're on our last few "I Got a B in Punmanship" Grossery Bags, so we return to our classic*"Whole Fools" logo — designed by Bob Staake based on an ink-winning idea by Tom Witte — on a wholefoodsy natural-tone cloth bag (new style this time). The Loser Mug ("You Gotta Play to Lose") remains the other option. *Honorable mentions get* one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 3; results published Dec. 23 (online Thursday, Dec. 20). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Di- Laughing" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart; Tom Witte wrote this week's honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter this week's contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *DI- LAUGHING: WINNING 2-FOR-2 NEOLOGISMS* **In Week 1303, the Empress asked the Losers to create new words by replacing a two-letter block called a digraph with another digraph. Within nanoseconds after the contest was posted, much confusion and debate erupted over what qualified as a digraph, causing the E to accept pretty much any two consecutive letters, except blocks that retained one of the original letters (see this week's new contest). 4th place: *Tweedo: A brand of coarse woolen swimwear with the unfortunate tendency to shrink when wet. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Jeff Bezos will love it, no? We're back to our previous Grossery Bag design for 3rd- and 4th-place winners. (Idea by Tom Witte; design by Bob Staake) 3rd place: *Schoolhouse Roth!:* A fun and educational TV show about early retirement planning. (Frances Hirai-Clark, Columbia, Md.) 2nd place /and theSquirrel Pot Pie apron and Roadkill meat sticks : / Ohmageddon: It's, like, totally the end of the world. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *George W. Burp:* Runner-up, Most Uncouth President contest. (Tom Gleason, Lawrence, Kan., a First Offender) Nahlogisms: Honorable mentions *Trimflam:* "I swear, a friend of my sister's lost 25 pounds a week just by vaping dried tapeworms." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Fritter*: Social media platform where you waste your entire day. (Frank Mann, Washington) *Snitter:* Antisocial media. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Twitzkrieg:* "Early this morning he launched yet another Twitzkrieg of outrageous insults." (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *The Rolling Stoics:* They can't get no satisfaction, but they're okay with that. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *Whine flu: The sniffles. "My husband was bedridden for three days with the whine flu." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Bluetorch:* What the GOP got burned with in the midterms. (Margaret Welch, Oakton, Va.) *Bragmire:* "While opening his present, Glen realized he'd gotten himself into a real bragmire by claiming to be an experienced rattlesnake-handler." (Frank Osen) *Choke on the Water: The story of the 2016 Cleveland Indians. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Coasmella*: Nickname for the Gilroy Garlic Festival. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) *Commander in grief: One more role he's incapable of filling. (Chris Doyle) *Department of the Ulterior: If you can't drain the swamp, make it official. (Gary Crockett) *Donald Truth: We wish. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) *Easter Bully:* Steals candy, blames Hillary. (Jeff Swallen, Richmond, Va.) *". . . and the parse you rode in on!" How to finish telling off a pedant. (Gary Crockett) *Dropsticks*: Me eating in a Chinese restaurant. (Chris Doyle) *Grampoo: Bubbe's blue rinse. (Jeff Contompasis) *Flocrastinate: To "hold it" while you play just one more round of Words With Friends. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) *Fraustrophobia: Fear of one's mother-in-law. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Freudonym: A code name psychiatrists use in their notes. "Angry Orange suffers from delusions of grandeur . . ." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *Gastroentomologist: The doctor to visit if you have butterflies in your stomach. (Michael Rosen, New York) *To Insanity and Beyond! The catchphrase of Buzz Lightyear's brother Donald. (Gary Crockett) *Kiltie porn: Upskirt pics from the Scottish Highland Games. (Chris Doyle) *Gefillo fish:* Worst. Baklava. Ever. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Get to weird base*: Engage with orifices you didn't know existed. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Global walling:* A brilliant plan to keep all that illegal warm air from sneaking into our country. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Goulack:* Hungarian vegan stew. (Jeff Contompasis) *Mooreography:* A sequence of moves used with teenage girls. (Kevin Dopart) *Phartup:* A bad venture capital project: "Gerald's worst phartup was the self-driving baby stroller." (Frank Osen) *Prose but no cigar:* What to give the reader in your carpool. (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) *Reagan Optional Airport: How longtime Washington residents view the current name of DCA. (John Kupiec, Fairfax) *Second-string halfbath:* A creek and a bucket. (Frances Hirai-Clark) *Shove compartment:* A better name for that thing in your car that's jampacked with everything but gloves. (Jesse Frankovich) *Stainless stool: An advancement that would make washing cloth diapers a breeze. (Jesse Frankovich) *Stychology: Subtle attempts to persuade your teenager to clean his room. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Valley of the Dorks:* The California region that opted for "Silicon" instead. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) *Vlad School: Preferred alma mater of new State Department appointees. (Chris Doyle) *The Stove Invitational:* Each week the Autocrat selects a dish, and readers submit terrible recipes for that dish. (Gary Crockett) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 3: our contest for song parodies set to holiday tunes. See wapo.st/invite1306. ====================================================================== WEEK 1308, published December 2, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1308: Picture This . . . or These Our Bob Staake caption contest with a twist. Plus winning what-if scenarios. Someone tell us what's going on here! (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // November 29(Click here to skip down to the winning "what-if" scenarios) It's time once again for another contest in which we try to assist Almost Forever Style Invitational Cartoonist Bob Staake in figuring out just what is going on in these pictures — because frankly, he has no clue. Do u?*This week you have two choices: (1) Write a caption for one or more of these pictures, or (2) explain what is wrong with the picture. *Extra fun: While Bob still doesn't know what the pictures are about, he designed them so that you might also combine two pictures into one — or all four into one* — and describe that instead. For the sanity of the Empress. who would like to sort the entries before judging them: Please submit each entry — you still get a total of 25 — in this format: *Picture A: [caption, description, whatever] — with the heading and description on the same line. *Pictures A and C: [same thing] *All four pictures: [zubzubzub] * Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1308.* Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a lovely — well, it's actually white with plain black lettering —*coffee mug labeled "World's Okayest Girlfriend."* It's absolutely perfect for Valentine's Day! Donated by Loser Bill Munson. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 10; results published Dec. 30 (online Thursday, Dec. 27). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Duncan Stevens; Jesse Frankovich wrote this week's honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter this week's contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *MUSEMENTS: WHAT-IFS FROM WEEK 1304* **In Week 1304,* we asked you to posit a "what-if" question and answer it. 4th place: *What if there were an alternate universe where your cat did not follow you to the bathroom?* You'd just sit there and talk to yourself, I guess. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) 3rd place: *What if night suddenly became day, and day became night?* I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was checking my phone. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) 2nd place /and the cattle-dung-paper journal and pizzle dog chew : / *What if anagrams always came true? Robert Mueller could TRAP A FOUL MAN just by using PAUL MANAFORT. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *What if M.C. Escher had designed the entrance to the Philadelphia Museum of Art?* Rocky would still be climbing those steps. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) If-bombs: Honorable mentions *What if instead of the Stanley Cup it was a Stanley Jockstrap? It would be easier to hold above your head, but players probably wouldn't drink out of it so much. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *If Christine Blasey Ford hadn't testified,* we might still be wondering what Lindsey Graham's and Brett Kavanaugh's tonsils look like. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *What if "Casablanca" had Groucho Marx as Rick instead of Humphrey Bogart? Ilsa's request would be: "Play it, Sam. Play 'Pop Goes the Weasel.' " (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *What if "Breakfast at Tiffany's" had instead been "Breakfast at IHOP"?* The lead character would be named Holly Goheavily — and would not be played by Audrey Hepburn. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *What if Alexander Graham Bell had invented automatic dialing? By Election Day 1876, everyone would have been annoyed by endless robo-calls to vote for Rutherford B. Hayes. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *What if all your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge? "Really, Mom, are we gonna do this now?" (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) *What if America really were a Christian nation?* We'd care for the poor, welcome strangers and be much stronger advocates for including bingo in the Olympics. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *If China hadn't developed coins as a medium of exchange somewhere around 1000 B.C.,* Cuba Gooding Jr. would have yelled, "Show me the item or service of reasonably equivalent value!" (Duncan Stevens) *What if the Habsburg nobles in Prague had a trampoline outside their window, * so when they were defenestrated they just kept bouncing back up to the window, yelling, "Boi-oi-oi-oinnng . . . boi-oi-oi-oinnng . . ." to the Bohemians inside?* The Thirty Years' War would've been awesome! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *What if cats could talk?* It wouldn't matter much, since their vocabulary would consist of "feed me" and "so what?" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *What if shirt sleeves were made of sandpaper?* Maybe fourth-grade boys would learn to locate the tissues in the classroom. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md., and, yep, a fourth-grade teacher) *What if water did not become less dense when it froze?* James Cameron would not be the king of the world. (Mark Calandra, Sudbury, Mass.) *What if we could become the movie character we most admire?* I'm going with Woody from "Toy Story," so I could make the world feel just a little bit better every time they see me. My second choice is Freddy Krueger. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *What if the human brain had evolved without the capability for imagination?* Uhh . . . (Brendan Beary) *What if pregnant women grew temporary prehensile tails?* It would be awesome to have that extra hand that moms always need! Why didn't God think of this?! (Connie Akers, Radford, Va.) *What if English were written from right to left?* .ti ot desu teg d'ew sseug I (Frank Mann, Washington) *What if spray paint cans had spell-check?* Then that '60s graffiti would have read "CLAPTON IS GOOD." (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) *What if you inexplicably found yourself back in college, about to take a big test, only you couldn't remember where the classroom was?* If you know, please tell me. I always wake up before I can find out. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) *What if you were happy and you knew it but you didn't have any hands?* Whoever was singing to you sure would feel like a heel. (Jesse Frankovich) *What if, someday in the far future, all of Earth's population is biracial?* I'll bet there would still be arguments over who's the most biracial. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *What if the president boarded Air Force One using a jet bridge and not a staircase?* We'd have gone on assuming he knew how to close an umbrella . (Jeff Strong, Fairfax, Va.) *What if pigs could fly? Nicolas Cage would have starred in "Ba-Con Air"! (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *What if the Ten Commandments had been written by Dr. Seuss? *"Thou shalt not smash their heads with rocks Nor poison them with deadly pox. Thou shalt not kill with guns nor ram A knife in them." said Great I AM. (Jon Gearhart) *What if Jeff Bezos sold The Washington Post to the Trump family? The Trumps would insist that The Post maintain its editorial and journalistic standards because an independent press is our greatest defense against tyranny. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) *What if I don't get ink in this contest?* But I've got to! I promised poor sick little Billy in the hospital that I would, so I've just GOT to. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *If I typed Style Invitational entries in the dark,* theu wouiln;t get imk. (Duncan Stevens) *What if Penélope Cruz called me to say she's crazy in love with me and wanted us to run away to some remote Caribbean island for a life of wild, wanton, smoldering passion?* I wouldn't be wasting my time on this stupid contest, I'll tell you that. (Brendan Beary) *TWO contests still running — deadline for both is Monday night, Dec. 3: Parodies of holiday songs (see wapo.st/invite1306 ), and to make a new word by replacing one letter with another one (wapo.st/invite1307 ). *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1309, published December 9, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1309: The Year in Redo, Part 1 Enter any (or all) of 25 Invite contests from the past year. Plus top Googlenopes and -yups.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // December 6 (Click here to skip down to the winning Googlenopes and Googleyups) /Winner of Week 1268 , bogus trivia about the media:/ *Jeff Bezos meant to buy only a single issue of The Washington Post, but he didn't have any small bills on him at the time.* (Robert Schechter) /Winner of Week 1255, neologisms including the letter block S-A-N-T in any order:/ *Am-Nasty International: The president's new name for the State *Department.* (Ann Martin) /Winner of Week 1279, "real" directions:/ *How to meditate: *1. Close your eyes and relax.* *2. You're not doing it right.* (Mark Raffman) Did you ever read the results of a Style Invitational contest and go, "Ohhhh — /now/ I see what they wanted"? ("They" being that one woman who's ever going to see your entry unless it gets ink.) This week and next, the Empress gives you another shot with our annual retrospective contest. This week we'll cover 25 Invite contests from last November through May, encompassing such perennials as obit poems, foal "breeding" and various neologism contests, plus some one-offs like Yelp reviews for odd places , orgood-natured modern curses. *Enter (or reenter) any Style Invitational contest from Week 1255 through Week 1281,* except for Weeks 1257 and 1258, last year's do-overs, and Week 1260, the 2018 "Year in Preview" (we'll preview 2019 later). You may enter multiple contests as long as you don't submit more than 25 entries in all. For contests asking you to use that week's paper, use papers and online articles dated Dec. 6-17. For the obit poems, Week 1261, continue to write about people who died in 2017. You may resubmit non-inking entries from earlier contests. How on earth are you going to find these old contests? Piece of cake, even if you don't subscribe to this paper (though you should, you know). Go to the Loser Community's own website, nrars.org, click on "Master Contest List," and scroll way down to Week 1255 and below. Read the thumbnail contest descriptions, then click on the "E" icon for the online version of the week's contest, or the "WP" for the print version. And check the results of that week's contest (usually four weeks down the chart) to make sure your idea didn't already get ink. Please give the week number plus a brief ID of the contest your entry is for (e.g., "Week 1291, bad product spokespeople"). See this week's Style Conversational column at *wapo.st/conv1309 for other ways (maybe better ones for you) to see all the contests. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1309 (all lowercase) — NOT the entry forms for those old contests. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives one of our favorite prizes ever: It was picked up in Ukraine, from a Kiev street vendor, by Invite Fan but Not a Loser Rex Moser. Though Rex can't read Russian or Ukrainian, he didn't have any trouble recognizing the face of Vladi­mir Putin in full color on a roll of toilet paper. The accompanying wording turns out to translate to "Putin is a [ahem]-head" — a catcall that became popular among soccer fans during the annexation of 2014, and is also widespread (presumably more discreetly) in Russia. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 17; results published Jan. 6 (online Thursday, Jan. 3). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "No-Hit Wonders" was suggested by both Jeff Contompasis and Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle and Jesse both suggested this week's honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *NO-HIT WONDERS: WINNING GOOGLENOPES (AND 'YUPS) FROM WEEK 1305* In*Week 1305* the Empress asked you to find some interesting Googlenopes* — phrases that don't generate any Google hits, or "ghits," as they're now sometimes called. She also invited interesting Googleyups, phrases that are surprisingly out there already, as well as a set of Nopes and Yups provided together for irony. Some of the Googleyups below are Googlewhacks* — just one hit. (The ones below worked at press time, at least for the E.) 4th place: Googleyup: "Cows are smarter than you think*" (a Googlewhack) Googleyup: "Pigs are smarter than you think" Googlenope: "Betsy DeVos is smarter than you think" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Direct from Kiev, this week's 2nd prize. (The Russian obscenity is hidden in the photo; this much just says "la la la.") 3rd place: Googleyup: "Does your virginity grow back?"* (101 results) (Mike Burch, Nashville) 2nd place and the winner of the risque'Meat Romney' barbecue apron : Googlewhack: "Sarah Huckabee Sanders always tells the truth."* (The whole sentence: "Sarah Huckabee Sanders always tells the truth about absolutely nothing."*) (Lorna Jerome, Waldorf, Md., who will have the option to choose a less crude prize, like plastic dog poop) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Googlenope: "No one invites me to LinkedIn."* (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) 'Nopes were dashed: Honorable mentions Googleyup:*"I miss Karl Rove"* (and indeed, a few of the 67 hits were sincere — but others included "I miss Karl Rove and Dick Cheney like a necromancer misses the Black Plague"*) (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) Googlenope:*"Chasidic twerking videos"* (Google asked helpfully, "Did you mean: 'Hasidic twerking videos'?"* Fortunately, that was also a Googlenope.) (Daphne Steinberg, Alexandria, Va.) Googleyup: "Please pull my fingernails out"* Googleyup: "Please kick me in the shins"* Googleyup: "Please scream in my ear"* Googlenope: "Please bring me airline food"* (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Googlewhack: "Antioxidant properties of donuts" (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) (It's also a Googlenope with the spelling "doughnuts") Googleyup:*"Facebook makes me stupid"* Googlenope:*"Facebook makes me smart" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Googleyup: "Adam Sandler's oeuvre"* (although at least one refers to *"the all-out idiocy of Adam Sandler's oeuvre"*) (Mike Gips) Googlenope: "That controversial Hallmark Christmas movie"* (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) Googlenope: "Your Mama is so monogamous"* (Eric Nelkin) Googlenope: "The comments section really advances the discussion"* (Mike Gips) Googleyup: "Do vegetarians eat carnivorous plants?"* Googlenope: "Do carnivorous plants eat vegetarians?"* (Mark Raffman) Googlenope: "How to unblock Rachel from Card Services"* (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Googleyup: "Louis Armstrong sucked"* Googleyup: "Billie Holiday sucked"* Googleyup:*"Frank Sinatra sucked" Googleyup:*"Ray Charles sucked"* Googlenope: "Ella Fitzgerald sucked"* (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Googlewhack:*"Sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg Halloween costume" (referring to a lame gag in a flop movie of 2012) (Bill Dorner) Googlenope: "Trendy new German restaurant"* (Jonathan Jensen) Googleyup: "What wine pairs well with dog?"* Googlenope: "What wine pairs well with porcupine?" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Googleyup: "Our calm four-year-old" — but they all refer to dogs (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) Googlewhack:*"Cannot wait to see Washington in the summer"* (and it referred to Washington state) (Duncan Stevens) Googlenope: "Empress of the Style Invitational action figure" Googleyup: "Gene Weingarten action figure" (Bill Dorner) Googlenope: "I didn't deserve ink."* (Andy Schotz, Hagerstown, Md.) Googlewhack:*"Everybody loves the Empress" (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) (That single hit, alas, refers to Empress Elisabeth of Austria, 1837-98. Not a whole lot of love for empresses out there, we guess.) *Still running — deadline Monday, Dec. 10: Our contest for captions for Bob Staake cartoons. See wapo.st/invite1308. ====================================================================== WEEK 1310, published December 16, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1310: The Year in Redo, Part 2 Enter any Invite from the past 6 months. Plus zingy holiday-song parodies about the news. By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // December 13 Enter our contest for product warnings — or any of 24 others from the past six months — in this week's contest. (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post)(Click here to skip down to the winning holiday-song parodies) /From Week 1288, product warnings/disclaimers: / *"This aircraft could plummet from the sky, falling thousands of feet and crashing in a fiery ball, spreading its contents over multiple acres, but that rarely happens."* (Russell Beland) /Winner of Week 1284, compare two items in a list we supplied: / *The difference between the print Washington Post and Florida Man: I'm happy to find one of them lying on my doorstep at 5 a.m.* (Jerome Uher) // It's Week 2 of our annual retrospective, in which you get to enter any of the previous year's contests. Last week we covered November to May; now we'll get the 25 newer ones, which include bogus trivia about animals; funny product warnings; anagrams of movie titles; limericks; and several neologism challenges, among other dubious pursuits — including the parodies we feature this week. So this week: Enter (or reenter) any Style Invitational contest from Week 1282 through Week 1306.* You may enter multiple contests as long as you don't submit more than 25 entries in all. For contests asking you to use that week's paper, use papers and online articles dated Dec. 13-24 (and feel free to refer to more recent news in any of the contests). You may even resubmit non-inking entries from earlier contests. How to find these contests? If you're a Post subscriber, you can go to *washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational ,* where there's a list of the contests that you can click on one by one, starting from Week 1306. (Be sure to check the results of that week's contest, four weeks up the list, to make sure that your idea didn't already get ink for someone else.) If you're not — though you should be, you know — or if you'd like to search through a plain-text version of all the contests at once, go to the Loser Community's own website, nrars.org , click on "Master Contest List," and scroll way down to Week 1282 and below. See last week's Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1309 for more directions. Please give the week number plus a brief ID of the contest your entry is for (e.g., "Week 1304, what-if jokes"). Our prize handy footy bottle opener; the other side advertises a funeral home. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1310 (all lowercase) — NOT the entry forms for those old contests. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a little promotional foot-shaped beer bottle opener* — with the hole for the bottle in the middle of the foot — that in gloriously tone-deaf fashion bears the imprint of a Virginia funeral home. As Jeff says: "It sends simultaneous messages of 'pour one out for the recently departed' and 'you may already have one foot in the grave.' Jeff also notes that it's magnetic so that you can keep it handily on your refrigerator, should you feel the sudden need or whim to call the funeral home. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 24; results published Jan. 13 (online Thursday, Jan. 10). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *DECK THE LOLS: HOLIDAY PARODIES FROM WEEK 1306 *In*Week 1306* the Empress asked for songs about things in the news lately, set to a Christmas, Hanukkah or New Year's tune. As always with our parody contests, the results were phenomenal; many Losers were cruelly robbed of ink because there are only so many songs a sane person can look at in one newspaper column. Fortunately, note that this week's retrospective contest includes Week 1306 as well. 4th place: /*To "Good King Wenceslas": /Sulking Donald Trump looked out On a bleak November, When world leaders stood about. The Great War to remember. Gently fell the rain that day, On their solemn meeting. In his room Trump chose to stay, Eating steak and tweeting. All the leaders gathered there Called him out together. "Does he think his precious hair Won't survive the weather? Therefore, Mr. Trump, be sure, You'll look vain and snooty If you let your prized coiffure Keep you from your duty." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) 3rd place: /*To "Winter Wonderland": /Send the troops! It's a crisis! Don't look now! Here comes ISIS! I hear they were seen With MS-13 Walking in a migrant caravan. It's a huge, huge invasion! None of them are Caucasian! Get under your bed! There's people to dread Walking in a migrant caravan. Don't you know my brand of elocution Stresses that the boogeyman is near? Let some lawyer cite the Constitution. I'm content to rant and monger fear. Build the wall with a doorway In case some come from Norway. We're going to gas Bad hombres en masse Walking in a migrant caravan. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) 2nd place and the toilet ornament :/ *To "Let It Snow" : /Though the Saudis arranged a killing And the evidence is chilling, Don't want to offend them, so Let it go, let it go, let it go. Yes, the prince said, "Khashoggi ceases," And they cut him into pieces, Does that mean we blame them? No! Let it go, let it go, let it go! Though the folks at the CIA Say the hit order came from the crown, Mr. Trump says that that's okay If they keep oil prices down. True, it's naughty to kill a critic, But let's not get analytic, Who's responsible? Who can know? Let it go, let it go, let it go. (Max Gutmann, Sunnyvale, Calif.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: */To "Frosty the Snowman": / // Toss me the dough, man, there's a mistress with a tale, She'll describe your groin — better give some coin, Keep the tabloids off her trail. Toss me the dough, man, there's a chick we need to pay, Says she spanked your bum, dude, but she'll keep mum, We'll just need an NDA. There surely is some magic when we spread around the bucks, We squelch the stories from the broads that the Donald goes and makes love to. Toss me the dough, man; we'll make sure these seeds don't sprout. Pay a trifling fee, and you'll be home free, 'cause we'll never get found out. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Failz Navidad: Honorable mentions ** /*To"Hark! The Herald Angels Sing": /Crack! went Alex Smith's right leg, Like the breaking of an egg! Victim of a vicious sack So gruesome all our jaws went slack. More than halfway through the season, Playoffs still were within reason. 'Skins held first; fans held hopes high, Just to see those chances die. Playoff hopes now aren't worth beans: Smith smashed his leg to Smith-ereens. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) /*To "The Dreidel Song": /I have a feeling hate'll Be ladled out today, When Trump's upset and fretting, A spate'll come our way. He'll bray, he'll bate, he'll prate, he'll Berate, and he'll inveigh, Then once we've been diverted, he'll cause a new melee. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) */To "Sleigh Ride": / Appointing Matthew Whitaker has a critic or three, They say it's no more legal than appointing a beagle would be. After polite refusal of each recusal review, He has more underminings of Mueller's findings to do. He used to market patents for folks who hadn't a clue. He'd take inventors' money, but there wasn't a ton he would do. This all was so appalling the Feds came calling, "Yoo hoo"; They told him, "You've been scamming — the doors we are slamming on you." "I know Matt, I know Matt" is what POTUS said, on a foxy news show, More showers in a land of PR snow. "Don't know Matt, Don't know Matt," POTUS later said, revising his stand, It's seeming like truth isn't truth in the White House's fairy land! Now Matthew's cheeks are rosy and Trumpy-cozy is he. They snuggled up together? Pretty hard to know whether we'll see. Matt, there are lawsuits pending, things might be ending, boo hoo, I think the nation's stronger when the AG no longer is you! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) */To "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer": / Elon the SpaceX cowboy says he'll fly us to the moon And if it isn't this year, it will happen really soon. All of the folks at NASA say his plans aren't going well; They don't think that poor Elon has a snowball's chance in hell. Then one stormy Christmas Eve, Santa's sleigh broke down. "Elon, with your team so bright, won't you help my sleigh take flight?" But all the little children saw no toys on Christmas Day. Elon said, "Don't you worry, Santa will be there by May." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) To the tune of "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" O come, O comee, Paul Ma-a-an-afort Your lies revealed in fe-eh-ed'ral court Behold now your attempts to protect The biggest crook we ever did elect Remorse! Remorse! Paul Ma-a-an-afort Your lies revealed in fe-eh-ed'ral court O Come, Mike Cohen, come and cheer Our spirits by thy great confession here You look as off a bridge you could jump The putrid price of representing Trump Remorse! Remorse! Mike Cohen come and cheer Our spirits by thy great confession here O Come, O Come, Bob Mueller, and begin Exposing Papadopoulus and Flynn Don Junior, Gates and Kushner reveal There were no Russian orphans in that deal Remorse! Remorse! Bob Mueller will begin Your treasonous cabooses to haul in O come, O com, sweet Truth and Justice blind With spotlight on Trump's hea-a-art and mind The narcissism, lies and greed And just for fun the mattresses 'twere pee'd Remorse! Remorse! For Donald Trump will rue The day this office grand he did pursue (Sandy Riccardi, Petaluma, Calif.) /*To "Christmas Time is Here": / Mistress time is here, former lays appear; Girls he'll shtup — we'll hush them up; Illicit funds we'll steer. Silence always pays when the Donald strays; Chicks he'll boff — we'll buy them off, Demanding NDAs. Hope there's cash to spare — ladies everywhere "Knew" the Don — we'll soldier on, Denying each affair. Mistress time is here; they might squeal, I fear. If they tell, we'll serve a spell Decked out in orange gear. — M. Cohen, New York (Duncan Stevens) */To "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town": / We better not pout, we better not cry: We can't back out now and won't even try. Amazon is coming to town. They made out their list and checked it all twice, Had to find out who'd pay the big price; Amazon is coming to town. Who cares about the traffic? 'Twas the deal we had to make. So what if housing prices soar? We'll cough up, for Bezos' sake! We're happy to pay, strange though it may seem: At least it's not for Dan's NFL team; Amazon is coming to town! (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) (Rick Bromberg, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) The lyrics: ** /To "The Christmas Song" ("Chestnuts roasting . . ."):/ California's like an open fire, It's their fault, I'll tell you why, They didn't rake all the leaves off the ground, And that's why people had to die. (What's more l'll tell you) Why we need the Army and Marines Stationed on the border now, I just love being commander in chief And watching all the generals bow. The caravan is on its way, They're bringing drugs and ISIS soldiers to the fray, And "caravan," it is an Arab word, I learned that in a briefing from some nerd. And so I'm offering this simple phrase, For Latinos and Hispanics too, If you come here, it's a cage for your kids And a jail cell for you. (Rick Bromberg, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) /*To "Blue Christmas" / (singing her own lyrics): /(as sung by the GOP congressional "Graduating Class" of 2018)/ They'll have a blue Congress without us. Their job they'll do, Congress, without us. Folks in ball caps of red who once cheered us with glee, They stayed in bed — no one came to vote for me. In districts best we gerrymandered, We vote-suppressed, hoodwinked and pandered. What went wrong? Gee, we're stumped how our message got trumped . . . Now they'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Congress. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)** /*To "Let It Snow": / /(Sung at the White House by Donald Trump)/ Oh, the climate inside is frightful, But to fire is so delightful! My staffers? All friends-turned-foe; Let 'em go, let 'em go, let 'em go. And it doesn't show signs of stopping; (Truth be told, I'm fond of chopping!) I'll give 'em the old heave-ho; Let 'em go, let 'em go, let 'em go. When I've finally canned them all And the White House is empty, you'll see That the role that they played was small; /Nobody/ matters but ME! So good riddance to Rex and Sessions And the rest, for their transgressions; (Hey, I'm saving the country dough!) Let 'em go, let 'em go, let 'em go! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) */To "Santa Baby": / * Mueller baby, Slap subpoenas and a warrant on The Don. Been an awfully bad boy, Mueller baby, And hurry up at saving the world. Mueller baby, An early-morning FBI raid Replayed On the evening news, Mueller baby, And hurry up at saving the world. Think of staying resolute: Think of orange wattles in an orange suit. And all of us will sure enthuse If you just give that brute the boot. Mueller baby, You drag them off to prison one day And hey! And Hanks is you on the screen, Mueller baby, And hurry up at saving the world. (Marcus Bales, Cleveland) */To "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen": / God rest ye merry, Democrats, you've turned the House to blue; It's time to get those tax returns and see what's really true. Is Donald worth a billion bucks? Is Donald Jr. through? Oh indictments bring comfort and joy, comfort and joy; Oh indictments bring comfort and joy! God rest ye merry, Democrats, Pelosi's back on top Although she wasn't popular with this new freshman crop. She whips the votes, she gets the bucks, she doesn't want to stop: Oh indictments bring comfort and joy, comfort and joy; Oh indictments bring comfort and joy! (Trudie Cushing, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) /Internet loses collective mind over odd White House Christmas decorating:/ */To "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree": / Mock and surround a crimson tree with a dose of Photoshop; Ridicule slung about with glee; online comments will not stop. Mock and surround a crimson tree, let the criticism spring; Later we'll try some wit that's wry and then take another swing. You will view an ornamental failing when you see People flinging one more volley: Deck the halls with bits of folly. Mock and surround a crimson tree, have a snarky kind of day, Everyone roastin' merrily in a nasty, flippant way. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) /The president pooh-poohs the White House's own dire report on climate change: / /To "Let It Snow": / No, the future's not getting frightful, Wet and windy and igniteful. That stupid report must go. (Bored me so, bored me so, bored me so.) Tried reading it, but kept stopping, When my eyelids started dropping. Three pages were plenty, though — This I know, this I know, this I know. Soon they'll finally see I'm right, 'Cause in winter it still isn't warm, Morning's bright and it's dark at night, In summertime, heat is the norm! The nerds claim we'll soon be frying, But it's obvious they're lying: From Boise to Buffalo, We've got snow, we've got snow, we've got snow! (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) /FEMA responds to California fires:/ */To"O Little Town of Bethlehem": / O little town of Malibu, we hate to see you fry, But we won't weep or make a peep as ashes cloud the sky. Although your need is dire, Because your state is blue, We'll close our ears and grind our gears, And blame it all on you. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) /*To "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas":* / Have yourself a Mar-a-Lago Christmas, just escape what's real. Drenched in glitz, who cares what Mueller will reveal? It's self-serving, Mar-a-Lago Christmas, golf or traipse the halls, Validate yourself behind protective walls. Self-enthroned like a monarch you Miss the wan stark view we cast; Couched in kitsch with your Grinchly sneer: You to all appear half-assed. Soon when the investigations fell you, You will lose your power. There you'll stay with gold and toadies, scowl dour: Your final time will be your Mar-a-Lago hour. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) /*To"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree": /Writing a Christmas parody In the age of Donald Trump, Everyone dancing merrily While I'm feeling like a grump. Writing a Christmas parody Doesn't bring a happy smile While there are folks on my TV Tiki-torching to "Sieg heil!" I just can't write entertaining lyrics when I hear: "We will have so many great times While we're out committing hate crimes!" Writing a Christmas parody When there's just one thing to say: May we still have democracy By the next Election Day. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 17: The Year in Redo, Part 1 — enter contests from Week 1255 through Week 1281. See wapo.st/invite1309. *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1311, published December 23, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1311: Nextra! Nextra! Tell us some humorous events of 2019. Plus winning neologisms.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // December 20 at 10:30 AM (Click here to skip down to this week's winning neologisms.) April 1, 2019: After record rainfall leads to massive flooding nationwide, President Trump insists that the damage would have been avoided if "people had used more umbrellas."* July 4, 2019: Melania Trump unveils her new initiative, #BeTheir, a program aimed at reducing misspellings on Twitter.* Aug. 28, 2019: Inspired by Great Britain, the governments of Spain and Portugal announce they will hold their own referendums on leaving the European Union, launching the unfortunate nicknames Spanxit and Porxit. For the past two weeks, we in Loserland have been taking a look back at crazy ol' 2018, as the Empress invited you to enter any of 50 Style Invitational contests from the past year. Now it's time to take a look back at crazy ol' 2019, as we create our now-annual(ish) Year in Preview timeline. We appropriated (or inappropriated) the idea from 71-time Loser Malcolm Fleschner, who used to compose such pre-chronicles for his humor column in the San Jose Mercury News. Alas, Malcolm's column is no more, but the Invite soldiers on with fake news that hasn't even not-happened yet*. This week: Name some humorous news event to happen in 2019,* as in the examples above that Malcolm obligingly provided from his dusty crystal ball. Include a date only if it relates to the event (feel free to explain why); otherwise the Empress will add an arbitrary date, as above. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1311 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives one of the strangest promotional materials the Empress has ever discovered on the newsroom giveaway table: It's the *Oreo Music Box, which consists of a four-inch-square cardboard box . . . that contains a wee electronic turntable, on which you place . . . an Oreo cookie. Move the "tone arm" into place and the cookie starts to spin, seeming to produce one of several futuristic electro-tunes that sound, I don't know, like something an Oreo cookie would play. I think it also will record your voice, but we don't have the directions. We will even throw in the Oreo cookie (regular version) that came with it, no doubt matured in flavor by sitting out for 4½ weeks. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 31 — what, you have someplace to go? Results published Jan. 20 (online Thursday, Jan. 17). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *SWITCH-WITTERS: THE NEOLOGISMS OF WEEK 1307* **In Week 1307 we asked you to replace one letter of a word or name with another, then describe the result. One previously inkworthy neologism was disqualified by later events: Duncan Stevens's "*Unzinkable: Able to hang on to a Cabinet position despite numerous embarrassing scandals." It zank. 4th place: *Sanka Claus:* Bringer of unexciting presents. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) This music box spins a real Oreo but does not play "C Is for Cookie." (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) 3rd place *Peerogative:* Getting to use the bathroom of your chosen gender. (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.) 2nd place /and the Christmas Carol Kazoo: / Braxit:* An undergarment that was originally intended to separate, but has lost much support. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Don compos mentis:* Of very stable genius mind. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Left at the alter: Honorable mentions *Boinksmanship: Expertise in foreign affairs. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Brittata:* A brunch dish made with eggs, suet, blood sausage and turnips. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Foxic waste:* Substance that poisons the national discourse. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Pursitis:* What your shoulder gets for schlepping around eight pounds of who-knows-what in your handbag. (Phil Huffy, Rochester, N.Y., a First Offender) *Beto blocker:* A nasty pill that may raise your blood pressure, marketed under the name Ted. (Jesse Frankovich) *Bureaucrazy:* When a gang of idiots can't seem to understand that your 8-year-old, who broke her elbow playing soccer, really, really, /really/ can't file a workers' compensation claim /because she's 8 years old!/ (Yes, this really, really, /really/ happened.) (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) *Romeopathic medicine:* A nicer name for ED drugs. (Tom Gleason, Lawrence, Kan.) *Swampede:* The rush of administration officials to leave before the new Congress. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Southwash: A bidet. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Stetladder:* It's used to put things back the way they were. (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) *The Star-Slangled Banner: Yo, say can you see . . . ? (Frank Mann, Washington) *Tony Snark: Irony Man. (Neil Hartbarger, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) *Rake-believe: An imaginary way to prevent forest fires. (Jesse Frankovich) *Cameraderie: Those grimacing smiles you see in photos of people pretending to like each other. (Frank Osen) *Celibration:* The joy of no sex. (Karl Koerber, Krestova, B.C.) *The touchy-feedy type: Someone who uses his hands to pick up the shrimp from the buffet line. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Make America Greet Again: Struggling Hallmark's new slogan. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Haberlashery: Store for the discriminating S&M shopper. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Aquus: The taxonomic genus of sea horses. Well, it should be. (Jeff Contompasis) *Ax-wife: The former Lorena Bobbitt. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *"Douched by an Angel": The heartwarming family show that proves cleanliness is indeed next to godliness. (Dan O'Day, Alexandria, Va.) *Give Us Your Tired, Your Pooh: Slogan of the Old Cartoon Characters Home. (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.) *Godswallop: Televangelist claptrap, like Pat Robertson blaming the Haitian earthquake on "a pact with the Devil." (Michael Noonan, Fredericksburg, Va., a First Offender) *Locabore:* A dining companion who insists on telling you which farmers market every mouthful came from. (Frank Mullen III) *Pizza Hot: A type of pizza that cannot be delivered. (John Kupiec, Fairfax,Va.) *Lumph nodes: Cellulite. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Lyft and separate:* The 51st and 52nd ways to leave your lover. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *GrossFit: Exercise studio that does not have showers. (Mark Raffman) *Grudent:* Practicing extreme caution, as in running the ball on third and 12. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) *HALmart:* A store where the self-checkout machine says, "I'm afraid I can't let you buy that, Dave." (Jesse Frankovich) *Hashtug:* The compulsion to constantly check your phone for retweets. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Indignify: Humiliate while honoring. "The band indignified Trump's arrival by playing 'Hail to the Chief' on kazoos." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Mequel: Junior. (Jeff Contompasis) *Nap year: The first year of retirement. Actually, every year of retirement. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) *Paywail: Your indignant rant when you realize that the article you wanted to read online isn't free. (Mike Gips) *Rudolph the Red-Hosed Reindeer:* His embarrassing physical condition was decidedly /not/ the subject of a children's song. (Mark Raffman) *Rapid bransit:* What happens when that morning coffee and granola suddenly kick in. (Dave Airozo) *International Dare Line: What they should call the mark on the Doomsday Clock that shows how close we are to Nuclear Midnight. (Doug Frank, Houston) *Dongling participle: "Beneath my desk, tied in knots and encased in rubber, I couldn't untangle the adapter cords from the headphones." (Frank Osen) *Mediogre:* A nasty little journalist who eats babies while churning out fake news about me. — D.J.T., Washington (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Vlad-handing: First item on Trump's agenda at the G-20 summit. (Chris Doyle) *WMAGA:* Transportation service that doesn't actually go anywhere, but the conductors will ramble for hours about how great they are. (Duncan Stevens) *Neologasm:* What happens when you think of the perfect word for this contest. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *Pot Myers: The Hempress of the Style Invitational. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) *Fail accompli: I'm a Loser this week! (Chris Doyle) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 24: Part 2 of our Year in Redo contest. See wapo.st/invite1310. *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1312, published December 30, 2018 Style Invitational Week 1312: TOUR de Fours XV A neologism contest. Plus winning captions for Bob Staake cartoons. By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // December 27, 2018 Too many people sent "abra-cadaver" for Picture C, but this week's winning captions — for single and combined cartoons — feature lots of weird takeaways. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post)(Click here to skip down to this week's winning cartoon captions.) Dadven*turo*us: Daring to wear a fanny pack, socks with sandals, or a "World's Best Farter" T-shirt. T*outr*ageous: Preposterously boastful. "The other world leaders laughed at his toutrageous claim that his administration had done more in two years than most others had in the history of the country." It's our annualish Tour de Fours neologism contest, in which you make up words that contain a given block of four letters. This week, Amazingly Successful Loser Jesse Frankovich suggests that the letter block come straight out of the name. This week: Coin a word or multi-word term that contains the letter block T-O-U-R and describe it,* as in Jesse's examples above; the letters may be in any order,* but there may be no other letters between them (you may insert a space or hyphen). You might make your entry funnier to read if you include a good example, or showing how the term would be used, since there's a good chance that someone else will come up with the same term you did. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1312 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Whoever is so unlucky to land in second place receives Mr. Turdy, kind of a perverted Mr. Potato Head. You actually form Mr. T yourself with the enclosed modeling clay, then stick on the appendages. Donated by Loser Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 7; results published Jan. 27 (online Thursday, Jan. 24). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was suggested by both Jeff Contompasis and Jon Gearhart; Bill Dorner wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *SKETCH COMEDY: THE CAPTIONS OF WEEK 1308* **In Week 1308* we asked for captions for any of the Bob Staake cartoons above, or a combination of them. Or you could tell us what was wrong with the picture. At least a dozen people captioned Picture C "Abra-cadaver," while icky Sylvia Plath jokes abounded for Picture D. 4th place: *Picture D: "C'mon, that wasn't an insult -- I /love/ Hamburger Helper!" (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: *Picture A: Watch out, glass ceiling! (Susanne Pierce Dyer, Green Valley, Calif.) 2nd place and the 'World's Okayest Girlfriend' mug: *What's wrong with Picture D:* The low-hanging pink lamp is clearly an OSHA violation. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *All four pictures* can be described with the same letters — all anagrams of one another: *(A) WOMAN HOLDING A BIG ANVIL ON THE SEESAW. (B) SHOWED MAN VIEWING A GIANT BALL ON SHOE. (C) OOH, SEE ONE TALL MAN WAVING HIS BIG WAND! (D) AGHAST BESIDE MAN WHO WILL GO IN AN OVEN! (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Couldn't carry a toon: Honorable mentions (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) *PICTURE A: Elon's mom has her own plan for getting to Mars. (Jesse Frankovich) Even though it didn't have the best safety record, Esther's Discount Airlines was still better than flying United. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Ethel's elevator phobia was intense. (Susanne Pierce Dyer) After massive budget cutbacks, NASA did the best it could. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Al Fisher, Rockville, Md.) Wile E. Coyote had to admit it was a nice catch. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) They could take away Juliana's pilot's license, but they could never take away Newton's third law of motion. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) June was going to make those ants regret pitching their tent under her new ski jump. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) Mrs. MacLintel desperately wanted to be in that social set of ladies who launch. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Helen isn't fooling anyone with her inflatable anvil. (Jesse Frankovich) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) *PICTURE B: Every time he tells a lie, Paul Manafort's ankle monitor grows. (Jesse Frankovich) Target's latest security system stops shoplifters before they make it to the parking lot. (Jill Renkey, Frederick, Md.) One of the reasons they don't want people wandering around Chernobyl is the cherry grove. (Barbara Turner) So all those beautiful sunsets have just been special effects! (Gary Crockett) Randall had to admit that his bunion was starting to get in the way of his dancing career. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) Edgar put his right foot out, but that was the end of his hokey-pokey. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) And suddenly, Larry caught a glimpse of what it's like to be wiped out by a heavy period. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) The lesser known, but no less treacherous, Running of the Balls. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) ". . .And then my poor meatball rolled out of the door." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) "Medicine ball?! Doc, please tell me you've got this in liquid form." (Hildy Zampella) It's hard to walk when only one of your legs has a knee, even before someone drops a giant bowling ball on your ankle. (Mark Raffman) /*What's wrong:* /The small red ball is correctly labeled "B" for background, but the large red ball is missing the "F" for foreground. (Dave Conger, Sterling, Va., a First Offender) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) *PICTURE C:* Some magicians ask to be buried six feet over. (Will Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio) The sawing-in-half went terribly wrong, but Colette is still part of the act. (Gary Crockett) Hiring Lazarus was the smartest thing Mandrake ever did. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) "And for my next trick, I will make half my jacket disappear!" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) *PICTURE D: "Jeez, I only asked for gluten-free coffee . . . (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt, Md.) The other "Hell's Kitchen" judges expressed disapproval with greater subtlety than Gordon Ramsay. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) The dessert chef put too much yeast in his gingerbread man again. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) The untimely end of the Pillsbury Doughboy. (John Kupiec, Fairfax, Va.) "Hey, I ordered baked Alaska -- not Alaskan." (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) *What's wrong: The "3" on the woman's jersey is crooked. (Jesse Frankovich) *What's wrong: The tea drinker has failed to extend her pinkie finger. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *COMBINATIONS: *Pictures B and C: The entertainment was intense at the Onesie Tux party. (Duncan Stevens) *A and C:* You have to get creative when the Stairway to Heaven is out of order. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.; Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *A and B:* To cease the giant ape's rampage and save the city, one brave vet launches herself into the behemoth's nether region and neuters King Kong. (Bird Waring) *B and C:* What's wrong is that both of the men's bow ties are clip-ons and well, that just lacks panache. (Jeff Shirley) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 31: our "year in preview" contest: See wapo.st/invite1311. ====================================================================== WEEK 1313, published January 6, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1313: Dead Letters — our obit poem contest Plus the best of a redo of 24 of the past year's Invites(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // January 3 (Click here to skip down to the inking entries from our do-over contest) *Philip Roth wrote with poise; His prose made you shiver. He explained Jews to goys (Plus new uses for liver). * We embrace 2019 with our annual exhibition of the level of taste and decorum for which The Style Invitational is famed. This week: Write a poem of no longer than eight lines about someone who died in 2018, * as in the example above by "Portnoy's Complaint" acolyte Gene Weingarten. You can find lots of lists of notable ex-people by Googling "deaths 2018." The Invite is a humor and light-verse contest, and so the Empress is not looking for sappy odes. But neither does she welcome nasty salvos-in-rhyme that rejoice over the person's death or predict an afterlife among the Hadeans just because the decedent voted incorrectly or produced crappy music: We have no interest in causing pain; Lord knows you don't have to look too far elsewhere to get your quota of that. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1313 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of*three genuine dried scorpions* — along with a black-light flashlight that, when trained upon the desiccated critters, is supposed to make them glow. And they're perfectly edible, according to the package — and surely I wouldn't think twice about doubting the safety advice printed on the shrink wrap of an item promising to "Amaze Your Friends!" Maybe we can write a poem about you next January. Donated by Loser and chronic prize-donor Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 14; results published Feb. 3 (online Thursday, Jan. 31). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Dave Prevar; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *SECOND FIDDLING: PART 1 OF OUR 2018 RETROSPECTIVE* *Week 1309 was Part 1 of our yearly retrospective; we invited you to enter (or reenter) Style Invitational contests from the first half of the past year. We could fill this page up again with just song parodies or even foal names from this time around, but the Empress aimed for the 'Vite Variety Pak. 4th place: */Week 1255, words including the letter block S-A-N-T in any order:/ *Sycopha*ntas*ize: To dream of working for the president. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) 3rd place: From the Week 1281 contest, for photos with googly eyes added: Honorable mention by Lee Graham, Derwood, Md. */Week 1268, bogus trivia about the news media and publishing: / *Ancient Rome's town crier, Alphonsius Rokerus, was the first to proclaim "Traffic and Weather Together on the VIIIs." (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) 2nd place /and the Ukrainian toilet paper with Putin's face : / /Week 1280, "air quotes": / * Nondiscl"o""sure":* "This legal agreement guarantees that everything will remain absolutely private." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: */Week 1272: Create a new curse:/ *May you fill the next vacant Cabinet position — and never quiiiiite get fired. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) Donate today to the Stop Medical Malpractice Foundation!" For the Week 1256 caption contest, by Duncan Stevens. (Cartoon by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) #ReDoo: Honorable mentions /*Week 1255, SANT neologisms: / *Nats*phyxiate: To choke in the playoffs. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) Bombpe*nsat*ion: A symptom of missile envy. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) */Week 1259, euphemisms: / *For cliche-ridden: "Filled with classical references." (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) /*Week 1264, Yelp reviews: / Heaven help the unsuspecting concertgoer attending Elm Street Preschool's holiday sing! Several of the vocalists were off pitch, the production values were slipshod, and Kevin in the second row needs to stop picking his nose. Two stars. (Frank Osen) /*Week 1265, song parodies about education: / *High School Gym Class* /(to "Help!" by the Beatles) / Help, I'm in the bleachers! Help, chased by burly creatures! Help, go and get the teachers — help! When I was younger, I feared no one while at play, I always handled any kid who dared get in my way. But now I scan the gym, and everywhere I see, Muscled guys with tree-trunk thighs who all look 23. Most days I don't really need to shave, And my scrawny bacon I would like to save, Send those troglodytes back to their cave! Won't you please, please help me. And now my life has changed, Mom fears that I'll be scarred, She buys me Lotrimin and gallons of Right Guard. I feel so insecure, a transfer would be cool, But my folks say there's just no way to pay for private school. Help me if you can to find my clothes. They've been hidden by some sophomores, I suppose. These dumb gym shorts sag down to my toes! Someone please, please save me, free me, help me! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) /(See another parody at the bottom of the column.) / /*Week 1266, neologisms from ScrabbleGrams "racks":* / FIMNORS >*INFROM:* Where you want to be during a storm. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) DEFGITY > DEGIFT: To keep a Christmas present you'd bought for someone else. (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) /*Week 1267, ill-advised product spokesmen:* / *Mitt Romney for the ASPCA: "Pets are like family. Sometimes, I even put my dog above my family." (David Peckarsky, Tucson) *Kevin Spacey for Home Depot:* "How do you rebuild after your House of Cards collapses?" (Hildy Zampella) *Paul Manafort for Rolex: "We do time!" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) /*Week 1268, fictoids about media and publishing: / Gutenberg changed the world with his printing press, but during his lifetime he actually had more commercial success with two other inventions: the garlic press and the trouser press. (Frank Osen) */Week 1269, bank headlines:/ /Real headline: / America's worst serial killer /Bank head:/ Hapless psychopath claimed just 2 skinned knees, 1 wet willie in 40 years (Kevin Dopart, Washington) America's greatest export is hurting 'Nobody inflicts pain like us,' Trump affirms (Mark Raffman) George Washington, dashing young colonel, returns to Mount Vernon Reporter sets record, misses deadline by 246 years (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Northam plans $269 million in new education spending 'Getting a U-Va. degree for my kid sure is getting expensive,' laments governor (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) For 32-year-old Johnson, first win is well worth the wait Shy ex-virgin has quite the night (Elden Carnahan) /*Week 1272, new curses:* / May you be cryogenically frozen and awaken during Kanye West's third term. (Frank Osen) May your doctor give you the nickname "Ka-ching." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) /*Week 1273, new federal posts:* / Mick Jagger as Secretary of Fossil Energy. (Frank Osen) C-3PO for White House communications director: He's fluent in more than 6 million forms of it, and the president really likes shiny gold things. (Jesse Frankovich) /*Week 1274, "foals" from the names of two Kentucky Derby nominees:* /: Call a Cop x Old Time Revival= Criminal in Tent (Hildy Zampella) Mt. Rushmore x Magnum Moon = Mt. Tushmore (J. Larry Schott) Biblical x Replicator = Torah Torah Torah* (Jesse Frankovich) /*Week 1275, pair a Shakespeare quote with a question: / A. "Here will be an old abusing of God's patience and the king's English" /("The Merry Wives of Windsor") / Q. What do you think he's going to tweet next? (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) A. "Away, you three inch fool." /("The Taming of the Shrew")/ Q. What did Stormy say the next time? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) A. O, my offense is rank, it smells to heaven. ("Hamlet") Q. What did the Redskins coach say after yet another interception? (Duncan Stevens) *Week 1280, "air quotes": S"unrise":* The morning after four glasses of wine. (David Peckarsky) *India"nap"olis: The most exciting city between Columbus and Peoria. (Ellen Ryan) *B"atty":* What Rudy Giuliani is. (Jesse Frankovich) *Absen"TMI"nded:* "Oh, did I tell you already about our sex therapy session?" (Kathy El-Assal) */Another school-themed parody from Week 1265: / * /To "Manic Monday" :/ Six o'clock already, I was just rousting offspring from bed, Then I stopped to check my email and just stood there shaking my head. Kids are happy now, but then I know they just won't get why School isn't done till the week after the Fourth of July. /(Chorus)/ It's just a prank, you must be teasing! It's well above freezing! Not merely a delay, You had to go the whole way And call another blasted Snow Day. Have to juggle meetings and got to scrap commitments I'd planned; I hope the folks I'm bailing on are parents so that they'll understand. Now we're hanging out in our jammies, someone please tell me why. Blame it on the forecast, the sidewalk is completely dry. /(Chorus)/ Is this for real? You must be joking. Just what are you smoking? C'mon, for Pete's sake, This closure was a mistake. You canceled school for just one snowflake! (Hildy Zampella) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 7: our contest for new words containing the letter block "TOUR" (in any order). See wapo.st/invite1312 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1314, published January 13, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1314: Bill Us Now — our 'joint legislation' contest Plus more gems from recent Invites ... neologisms, parodies, the whole schmear(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // January 10 (Click here to skip down to the inking entries from Part 2 of our retrospective contest) *— The Allred-Rose-Rosen-Rose Act to forbid messing with the color scheme on "The Bachelor" *— The Pappas-Levin-Wright Act to Get Dad a Beer, Will You? *— The Baird-Johnson-Sinema Declaration That a Porn Entry This Obvious Will Not Get You Ink However much this new 116th Congress is really going to accomplish — insert your degree of optimism/pessimism here — we can already declare that it will be a fabulously productive one for our beloved (and occasionally behated) "joint legislation" contest: Not only do we have far more House and Senate freshmen to work with — last year, there were so few new members that the Empress ended up drafting local incumbents to flesh out her list — but also, wow, look at all those names that can be used as words! *This week:* Combine two or more names from the list below of the new members of Congress to "co-sponsor"a bill based on their combined last names, and state its purpose,* as in the examples above. We're just playing with their names, not referring to the politics of the actual people behind them. Note the pronouncers next to some of the names; the Empress personally confirmed them by watching many horrible campaign commercials on YouTube in which the candidate approved the suspiciously similar R or D message. As always, the E will accept a small but clear (to her) stretch of pronunciation; the 2017 winner was "the Dunn-Taylor-Yoder-King* bill requiring truth in online dating profiles" — as in "don't tell her yo' da king." If you think that there's a chance the Empress won't get your entry, you may follow it with a translation, but do it on a separate line so she can try without it. The new members (since 2017): Allred; Armstrong; Axne (pronounced "Ax-knee"); Baird; Blackburn; Braun (brawn); Brindisi (brin-DIS-sy); Burchett (BURCH-ett); Case; Casten; Cisneros; Cline; Cox; Craig; Cramer; Crenshaw; Crow; Cunningham; Davids; Dean; Delgado (del-goddo); Escobar; Finkenauer (rhymes with "power"); Fletcher; Fulcher (rhymes with "vulture"); Garcia; Garcia; Golden; Gonzalez; Gooden; Green; Guest; Haaland (Holland); Hagedorn (HAY-gedorn); Harder; Hawley; Hayes; Hern; Hill; Horn; Horsford; Houlahan; Hyde-Smith; Johnson; Joyce; Kim; Kirkpatrick; Lamb; Lee; Levin; Levin (both "levven"); Luria (LUR-ia); Malinowski; McAdams; McBath; McSally; Meuser (like "amuser"); Miller; Morelle (mo-REL-ly); Mucarsel-Powell; Neguse (ne-GOOSE); Ocasio-Cortez (o-CAH-zio-cor-tez); Omar; Pappas; Pence; Phillips; Porter; Pressley; Reschenthaler (RESH-en-thah-ler); Riggleman; Romney; Rose; Rose; Rosen; Rouda (rooda); Roy; San Nicolas; Scanlon; Schrier (rhymes with "fryer"); Scott; Shalala (sha-LAY-la); Sherrill (rhymes with "sterile"); Sinema (cinema); Slotkin; Smith; Spanberger; Spano (spanno); Stanton; Stauber (stahber); Steil (style); Steube (rhymes with "ruby"); Stevens; Taylor; Timmons; Tlaib (t'leeb); Torres Small; Trahan (tra-HAN); Trone; Underwood; Van Drew; Waltz; Watkins; Wexton; Wild; Wright. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1314 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a tin of 15 *Jesus Bandages,* perfectly functional bandaids adorned with Renaissance-style likenesses of the Healer. Plus "free prize inside!" Donated by Al Salas. And to prepare your owie before laying on the bandage to make the wounded whole, we'll add Scrub Away Your Funk* — a hard little disk that you wet and turn into a full-size washcloth. Donated years ago by Drew Bennett. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 21; results published Feb. 10 (online Thursday, Feb. 7). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Redoozies" was submitted by both Tom Witte and Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *REDOOZIES: 2018 REVISITED, PART 2* In Week 1310, Part 2 of our annual Year in Redo, the Empress invited you to enter or reenter any of the 25 contests from the previous six months. 4th place: *Week 1305, Googlenopes (no Google hits) and Googleyups (at least one hit): * /Googlenope:/ "The world will be better in 2019" (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) [After the submission deadline, this phrase appeared preceded by "no guarantee at all that"] "You had the ad in the paper for a 'best friend'?" (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) (Cartoon by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) 3rd place: *Week 1291, anagrams of movie titles:* *"The Big Lebowski" > "The Big Bowelski":* Same movie, but with a dirtier rug. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) 2nd place /and the foot-shaped bottle opener advertising a funeral home:/ *Week 1288, product warnings:* Law Offices of Michael Cohen, Esq.: May flip in tight spots. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Week 1287, song parodies about current events: /To"Stayin' Alive" / Well, you can tell Trump is eyeing number three, Wants to fill the seat of RBG, Pack that court with right-wing picks, Try to get it up to three and six. True, Ginsburg's not so young, But look, they've healed her ribs and lung! Can't take another frat boy Brett, So don't go counting Ruth out yet! Everybody's sayin' that we should all be prayin' She's stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Sweep her car for booby trap and swaddle her in bubble wrap, She's staying alive, stayin' alive. Health-y food, rest! Stayin' alive, stayin' alive! Bul-let-proof vest! Stayin' aliiiiive. . . (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) The Second Dumbing: Honorable mentions *Week 1284, compare two items from a list we supplied:* *Oscar Wilde vs. Kim Jong Un's Porta-John: While Oscar was renowned for shafts of wit . . . (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Dust bunnies vs. Florida Man:* One is detritus commonly found on the bedroom floor, and the other is made of dust. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *Week 1285, trivia questions with right and wrong answers:* /What were the first words spoken via telephone in 1876? / Correct: "Watson, come here. I want to see you." Wrong: "Hi, this is Rachel from Card Services." (Duncan Stevens) /Children should be taught the "stop, drop and roll" technique in case what happens?/ Correct answer: Their clothing catches on fire. So wrong: An opponent touches them in a soccer game. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Week 1286, replace a P with another letter: *Tipsqueak: A diner who rounds down. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Harpy birthday:* The day Ann Coulter entered this world. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) *Week 1287, song parodies about the news: /To "Under the Sea" from "The Little Mermaid" / I'm loving life in this Cabinet, My tenure has been a romp, The money is there, I'm grabbin' it, I'm wallowing in the swamp. Now, policy, that's for losers, And governing, what a bore, My briefing books—total snoozers. Ah, what did I come here for? To plunder D.C.! Plunder D.C.! Man, that Scott Pruitt, I watched him do it Audaciously! Steer jobs and cash to friends and fam, They, too, get rich off Uncle Sam; Constant corruption, no interruption; Plunder D.C. Now I'm on a spree of buying, With kitchen sets, courtside seat, I've booked lots of first-class flying, A lobbyist's condo? Neat. A conflict of interest? Boring. The ethics rules are for chumps. All that stuff, I'm just ignoring, Whose lead do I follow? Trump's. Plunder D.C.! Plunder D.C.! I'll get all stinky, like Ryan Zinke, Profitably! Some call it crude venality; I say: the new normality. Who needs disclosure? Don't fear exposure, Plunder D.C.! (Duncan Stevens) (see more parodies at the bottom of this column) *Week 1289, bogus animal trivia: *Rolling Stone Keith Richards attributes his longevity to a daily drink of cockroach milk. (Frank Osen) Obscure collective nouns for animals include a "kindle of kittens," a "murmuration of starlings" and a "WTF of platypuses." (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) The British may have secretly presented Trump with a new designer breed of puppy during his visit with the queen: One footman was overheard telling another, "Slip a little corgipoo in his pocket." (Frank Osen) *Week 1291, movie anagrams: *It's a Wonderful Life >* Sit Under a Lowlife:* A chief of staff wishes he'd never been born. Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) *It's a Wonderful Life >* I Fled Town's Failure: Tired of George and his so-called friends, Mary Bailey runs off with the richest man in town — who just happens to be rolling in an extra $8,000. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Week 1293, explain part of the Constitution:* /The Eighth Amendment: / "Cruel punishment": Someone guilty of theft being imprisoned for life. "Unusual punishment": A rich person guilty of theft being imprisoned at all. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *Week 1295, bad/really bad: Sign you're in Trump's inner circle: Everyone's in Prada. Sign you're really in Trump's inner circle: Everyone's in Pravda. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Sign you're obsessed with your smartphone: Your loved ones gently pry it away from you at your own retirement party. Sign you're really obsessed with your smartphone: Your loved ones gently pry it away from you at your own funeral. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) *Week 1296, poems with words new to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary: I put my phone in airplane mode and, much to my surprise, The next two hours it blared the sound of cranky baby cries! (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Week 1297, put a "typo" in a real headline: Gun Pun-control group boasts most successful year with victories nationwide /Incorrigible wordplay fanatics declare, 'This only incorriges us more' /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Archaeologists find 'one of a kind' 4,400-year-old tomb bomb in Egypt /Script of 'Springtime for Pharaoh' discovered / (Joshua Rokach, Silver Spring, Md.) DowDog sweeps downward again, with no sign of Santa rally /Yoga workout fails to help Kringle's aching back/ (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *Week 1299, chains between two words new to the Scrabble dictionary : *Cojita (Mexican cheese) > Gorgonzola > Emile Zola > "J'Accuse" > Jacuzzi > Harriet Tubman > Frederick Douglass > "recognized more and more" > Trump > Pence > pencil > No. 2 > Ew* (Chris Doyle) *OK* > 0K > absolute zero > Absolut vodka > Russia > Russian dressing > Russian undressing > pee tape > chickpeas >*aquafaba* (water from cooking beans) (Brian Cohen,Winston-Salem, N.C.) *Week 1302, Ask Backwards, questions for given "answers":* A. A pith helmet. Q. What do little English boys call a urinal? (Steve Honley, Washington) *Week 1304, what-ifs:* What if Aristotle had never developed the idea that the heart is the seat of our emotions? We might all be sending valentines decorated with frilly livers. (Duncan Stevens) What if coffee were made illegal in the United States? History books would devote a lot less space to the First American Revolution. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *Week 1305, Googlenopes, 'yups:* // / Googleyup:/ "Vladimir Putin praised Trump" /Googlenope:/ "John Kelly praised Trump" (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Week 1306, parodies of holiday songs* /(To "Auld Lang Syne")/ Should auld acquaintance be forgot For such a little crime? A guy got killed, but hey, so what? It happens all the time. We'll take a cup of kindness yet Next time the prince drops by. He swears he's innocent. No sweat — Like me, he'd never lie. To shun the Saudis would be rash; We really need their trade, And innocent or not, there's cash In billions to be made! "So if", I said, "you had to whack A journalist, that's fine. Don't worry, Prince, I've got your back For the sake of auld lang syne." (Brian Allgar, Paris) ** /*Also from Week 1287:* / *Who's Your Vladdy?* /(to "My Heart Belongs to Daddy" by Cole Porter)/ If there's a hack, I cut him slack, I'll never admit he's a baddie, He loves Assad? I give a nod 'Cause my heart belongs to Vladdy. He sends his spies, I close my eyes, I'm just so eternally glad he Could help me win, so it's no sin, And my heart belongs to Vladdy Yes my heart belongs to Vladdy, And it's true that I'm easily had, 'Cause my heart belongs to Vladdy Vla-vla-vla Vla-vla-vla Vla-vla-Vlaaaad; If we golf I'll be his caddie, 'Cause his baggage I carry so well, And my heart belongs to Vladdy, Though my country is going to hell. (Mark Raffman, Reston,Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday, Jan. 14: our contest for poems about people who died in 2018. See wapo.st/invite1313 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1315, published January 20, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1315: Clue Us In — our backward crossword We give the answers; you give the clues. Plus the winning Year in Preview events of 2019.(Jan. 9 Los Angeles Times puzzle by Debbie Ellerin, Tribune Content Agency) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // January 17 (Click here to skip down to the winning timeline items from our 2019 Year in Preview.) *DICEY: Your plan for budgeting next year's expenses on future craps winnings * RIBS: "Our state may be small, but every resident is a millionaire" *(as in "R.I. BS") It's our annualish backward-crossword: We give the answers; you write the clues. Or "clues": The Empress is more interested in jokes and wordplay than crossword authenticity; she won't even run clues for all 74 words in the grid. This week: Supply clever, funny clues for as many as 25 of the 74 words and multi-word terms in this grid, as in the examples above. /How to format your entry so that the Empress can sort them without going even insaner: / *Please write each entry on its own line,* as WORDFROMTHEGRID (without spaces even if you interpret it as multiple words): [your clue]," as in the examples above. You can explain it after the clue, as with RIBS above. Note: This is an American-style crossword,/not/ the British type in which the clue is a sentence containing an anagram of the word. This Los Angeles Times crossword ran in The Post's Style section on Jan. 9; if you like, you can see the original clues atwapo.st/invite-crossword-1315 . Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1315 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the very cool — and appropriately titled for us — book "Inked: Clever, Odd and Outrageous Tattoos" ; we can vouch for all three adjectives just by seeing the cover photo, which depicts a blue-eyed human face tattooed onto the back of someone's bald head, with the man's fringe of hair serving as a curly mustache. Donated by Roy Ashley. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 28; results published Feb. 17 (online Thursday, Feb. 14, as our special valentine — or non- — to you). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Lies Ahead" is by Dave Prevar; Chris Doyle and Tom Witte each suggested the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *LIES AHEAD: OUR YEAR IN PREVIEW* **In Week 1311, our Year in Preview, we asked you to tell us what "happened" in 2019. In the timeline below, some of the dates are relevant to the entry; others are just whatever. 4th place: June 6: The nation celebrates the 75th anniversary of D-Day. The president forgoes the trip to Normandy, citing jaw spurs. (Daniel Helming, Trenton, N.J.) The next best thing to tattooing a Loser Magnet onto your arm. (Book published by teNeues, 2008) 3rd place: Nov. 6: Beto O'Rourke loses election for dogcatcher, but his rousing concession speech vaults him to the lead in Democratic presidential primaries. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) 2nd place and the Oreo music box: Oct. 31: At the request of Make-a-Wish, Trump delivers candy to a hospitalized child, telling her, "I hope you appreciate this, because the docs just told me you have two, maybe three days left tops." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Sept. 22: The National Council of Teachers of English disbands after a violent battle over inserting a comma into MeToo. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Prophets and loss: Honorable mentions Jan. 20: Rudy Giuliani declares that Trump has been totally vindicated and condemns Robert Mueller for "not even trying to find the criminal, Individual 1." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Jan. 29: At its quarterly meeting, the Fed sharply lowers its rate of interest in the president's tweets. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Feb. 3: Trump is forced to postpone a threatened war with Mexico because Steve Mnuchin's family is still on vacation in Puerto Vallarta. (Frank Osen) Feb. 4: The Dow Jones index breaks 30,000 for the first time, then closes at 7,328 three hours later. People shrug, figuring it'll go back up tomorrow. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Feb. 11: Post Malone wins a Grammy for best mumbled-word album. (Jeff Contompasis) March 7: On World Math Day, the president states that he can divide by zero. "I write down a number, draw a line under it, then put a zero below that. It's very, very easy for someone like me." (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) March 21: In a last-minute deal, the EU trades the UK and a country to be named later for Bryce Harper. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) March 28: Lawyers arguing before the Supreme Court discreetly look the other way when Justice Kavanaugh, in the middle of an important oral argument, boofs. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) April 1: In a plea bargain, El Chapo is freed after agreeing to pay $5 billion for the border wall. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria) April 14: The NRA announces, proactively, that there will be nothing that could have been done. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) April 15: Ruth Bader Ginsburg wins the Boston Marathon, throws her lace collar into the air in celebration. (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) April 25: After tornadoes tear through several Oklahoma towns, Trump tweets that residents could have prevented them had they "used leaf blowers." (Duncan Stevens) May 5: The president's outreach to Latino voters hits a snag when Trump observes Cinco de Mayo by tossing out jars of Hellmann's. (Duncan Stevens) May 14: Finally able to compromise, Congress approves funds for a 3-foot border wall. (Selma Ellis, Rolling Meadows, Ill.) May 29: . The new Facebook user agreement gives the company access to the user's internal organs. (Art Grinath) June 1: Elizabeth Warren reveals that she is a 1/64 owner of the Washington Redskins. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) June 2: Jimmy Carter announces he'll seek second term as president; he immediately jumps to top of the polls. (Jon Ketzner) June 18: A woman calls 911 to report a suspicious black man lurking in an affluent D.C. neighborhood, brandishing some sort of trigger device. Police later apologize to Mr. Obama, tell him his begonias are lovely, and return his garden hose. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) July 20: At the Comet Ping Pong pizza parlor, Trump commemorates the 50th anniversary of the moon landing hoax. (Kevin Dopart) July 22: Melania Trump shows up to the NAACP national convention wearing a white sheet and hood with the words "I really Kan't Kare Kan U." Her aides later say they don't see what the fuss is about. (Art Grinath) July 25: Ben and Jerry's finds unprecedented success in Massachusetts, New York and California with its new flavor, Peach Mint. (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.) Aug. 1: Last year's dance craze, "flossing," is replaced by this year's dance craze, "removing ear wax." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Aug. 15: Trump alleges that the influx of Cuban baseball players has led to "an epidemic of stolen bases." (Mark Raffman) Aug. 30: The latest Secretary of the Interior curates a hunting safari for Don Jr. and Eric at the National Zoo. (Kevin Dopart) Sept. 1: After Melania Trump is mistakenly deported, Chief of Staff/ OMB Director Mick Mulvaney is named Acting First Lady. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) Sept. 5: After an opening-game defeat in which the entire offensive line, two quarterbacks, a linebacker, three defensive backs, the punter, the head trainer, a water boy, several cheerleaders, and all of the trombones in the Redskins Marching Band succumbed to injuries, the team acknowledges that it is cursed and will change its name to the Landover Leprechauns. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) Sept. 13: Trump abruptly tweets that he is withdrawing U.S. troops from Wakanda. (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) Oct. 10: For the first time since becoming vice president, Pence disagrees with President Trump, stating firmly that the toilet paper should hang /over/ the roll. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Oct. 22: Ruth Bader Ginsburg is named the point guard for the Washington Wizards. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Nov. 9: On the 30th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, Trump tweets: "Tore down beautiful wall! SO WEAK! Shd have built it higher!" (Duncan Stevens) Nov 18: Kavanaugh is spotted leaving Ginsburg's house at 4 a.m. *He says they were playing "a drinking game." She says they were playing pinochle. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Nov. 23: After yet another acquisition by Jeff Bezos, The Post decides to include the parenthetical disclaimer only when mentioning an entity he/doesn't /own. (Jennifer Gittins-Harfst, Annandale, Va.) Nov. 30: Pink Floyd commemorates the 40th anniversary of "The Wall" by releasing a smaller edition called "Steel Slats." (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Dec. 1: Melania Trump unveils this year's White House holiday decorations, which feature a festive motif based on the Spanish Inquisition. (Frank Osen) Dec. 7: News of President Trump's imminent resignation is sent as a text alert in the state of Hawaii, causing great consternation when it is found to be a false alarm. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) /** / Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 21 — our "joint legislation" contest. See wapo.st/invite1314 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1316, published January 27, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1316: Lies, damn lies, with statistics — a fake-trivia contest Tell us humorous 'facts' using bogus figures. Plus winning Tour de Fours neologisms.l(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // January 24 (Click here to skip down to this week's winning neologisms) *Although the Chinese outnumber us 4 to 1, Americans have a greater combined weight.* (Joseph Romm, winner of Week 702, 2007) *Manure collected from stalls at Churchill Downs has been proved to increase lawn growth by 153 percent vs. regular horse poo. (Dave Komornik, Week 1057, 2014) *In a study of 67 athletes who said they gave 110 percent, it was found that they actually gave an average of only 93.2 percent. (Art Grinath, Week 1057) *When fully inflated, an adult Shar-Pei can reach up to seven feet in circumference. (David Schwartz, Week 1289, 2018) As 92 percent of politicians can tell you, lots of otherwise sensible people will believe anything when a few "statistics" are flung into the argument; some folks are so intimidated by numbers that they just turn off their brains and nod passively at the most patently ridiculous figures since Barbie's. The Greater Loser Community has made hay from this phenomenon — 762.4 bales of it since 1993 — in various jokes over the years, especially in our bogus-trivia contests. So let's go all digital at once: This week: Tell us some bogus trivia using "statistics" or some bogus quantitative measure, as in the examples above from earlier fictoid contests. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1316 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the absolutely finest papier-mache rattle/maraca in the shape of a lime green frog wearing a bikini and covered in polka dots that you will /ever/ see. Brought back directly from Cuba by Loser Ellen Goldlust. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 4; results published Feb. 24 (online Thursday, Feb. 21). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *FaR-OUT wit: T-O-U-R neologisms* *Week 1312 was one of our annual Tour de Fours neologism contests; this year, the four-letter block to include in a word or phrase was . . . TOUR, in any order but with no other letters between them. 4th place: T*utor*rid: Hot for teacher. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) She's easy being green: A Cuban rattle, this week's 2nd prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) 3rd place: Manaf*ortu*ne cookie: "This isn't the last sentence you'll get. Lucky numbers: 15 to 30." (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) 2nd place and the Mr. Turdy molding toy : *Trou*bleshouting: "YES, I HAVE ALREADY REBOOTED MY COMPUTER!!!" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Bi*t o' Ur*anus: Candy that did not sell as well as the Mars Bar. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Marginal-mastery TOUR: Honorable mentions *Heel of Fortune:* Yet another reality show in which a bunch of rich twits compete to see who is the most contemptible. (Jesse Frankovich) *Looturgy: The spiel that televangelists use to fleece their flocks. "Joel Osteen's looturgy is so good, his parishioners throw their money at him before he's gotten to the first hallelujah" (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) *#MeTourism:* Guided excursions to NBC headquarters, Fox headquarters, CBS headquarters . . . (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Rotunderpants: "Relaxed-fit" drawers for wearing after the holidays. (Jesse Frankovich) *Autoritarian:* A persnickety, bossy driver. "Laying doctor's-table paper over his SUV seats was bad enough, but then Stan asked the carpool to wear those blue protective slippers . . ." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Attourniquet:* A lawyer who really puts the squeeze on a witness. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Detouronomy: This book of the Bible explains how Moses took a wrong turn when leading the Israelites to the Promised Land, causing a 40-year delay. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *EUrotica:* "Instinctively, Theresa pulled away from the European. Clearly the European had no interest in pursuing her anyway. Both seemed to realize this was the worst porn story ever." (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) *Altruotomy:* Cutting the charitable deduction from the tax code. (Mark Raffman) *Fortune nookie:* What a rich guy can get even if he resembles a mushroom. (Jesse Frankovich) *Ampututor: What every professor was in Civil War-era medical schools. (Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.) *Foxtrot Uniform :* The official NATO response to Trump. (Jesse Frankovich) *Et tu, Robin?* Batman's last words before his attack by the Boy Wonder at a Gotham City Council meeting. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) *A-trou-cious:* What above-the-ankle pants are. (Dan Helming) *BotRus BotRus Ghali:* Putin's new U.N. ambassador. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *Distributor Cap:* A Washington hockey player with a lot of assists. (Jesse Frankovich) *Dontourage:* All the president's men. (Jeff Contompasis) *Tortuoso:* An extremely bad musician. "Timmy proved himself a true tortuoso at the violin recital with his rendition of 'Lightly Row.' " (Frank Osen) *Fartuoso:* A master at playing the wind instrument. (William Kennard, Arlington,Va.) *Full discloture:* A successful filibuster. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Go Ruth! Slogan on many signs at the Women's March. Insert a comma for the conservative version. (Duncan Stevens) *Echotourism: Going wherever everybody else goes on vacation. (Tom Witte) *"Got Russians?":* Mueller team slogan. (Mark Raffman) *Microtrump:* A unit of size, as in "My 5-year-old needs gloves. Do you carry these in microtrump?" (Laura Clairmont, Ashburn, Va.) *Torus trap:* A Krispy Kreme store. (Mike Gips) *Heart-out:* What Mitt Romney eats for breakfast every day I sit in the White House — D.J.T., Washington (Mark Raffman) *"I Get Round": A song that Brian Wilson wrote a few years later. (Duncan Stevens) *Nanotruth:* The largest particle of verity detected in a Sarah Sanders press briefing. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) *Routhouse: FedEx Field. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *Trotuous: Giving you a bad case of the runs. (Jeff Contompasis) *Troubadorks:* The Losers who sing the parodies at the Style Invitational party. (Mark Raffman) *Blot rush:* The feeling of intense satisfaction that Losers experience when they get ink. (Jesse Frankovich) *Auto-reject:* Crude tool that the Empress presumably uses for efficiency. I mean, what other explanation is there for my awesome entry not getting ink last week? (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 28: Our backward-crossword contest. See wapo.st/invite1315 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1317, published February 3, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1317: Punku 2 — yup, haiku with puns Plus the winning obit poems about various ex-people of 2018.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // January 31 (Click here to skip down to the winning obit poems) *There's a pattern where* *Trump talks big, but then gives in.* *SOTU with his speech. (Duncan Stevens) *Rich straight white men rule.* *Looks like America's been* *Grabbed by the passe.* (Seth Tucker) We're back with a contest we introduced two years ago. We're still calling it Punku, though the Empress was informed last time that the name was already taken by micropoet Demi Newell ("Believe it or not/ I was addicted to soap/ But I am clean now"), who had created a #punku hashtag years earlier. *This week: Create a haiku containing a pun or similar wordplay,* as in the examples above; the first is by Loser Duncan Stevens, who wrote to remind the E that we hadn't punkued in a while; the second is a runner-up from our 2017 contest. *"ƒ"ƒBy "haiku" we mean — "ƒ"ƒ You purists, please chill a minute — "ƒ"ƒ Just 5-7-5. In other words: three lines, with five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. You may also add a title. The subject matter is wide open as long as the entry is clever/funny; rhyming is welcome. Historically, references to current events tend to get more ink, though I always like to mix in some less topical humor as well. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1317 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives The Sorry Button ,* a palm-size puck-looking electronic thing; when you push down on the top, it produces one of a dozen varied recordings of people saying "sorry" — some sincere-sounding, others sarcastically eye-rolling (as well as a sound can roll its eyes). Donated by Loser Dave Prevar to the Empress, who of course has no use for it because she is never sorry. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 11; results published March 3 (online Thursday, Feb. 28). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Bill Dorner; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *YOU GOTTA BEREAVE: THE OBIT POEMS OF WEEK 1313* *Week 1313 was our annual contest to commemorate with humor (but not malice, except for the truly malice-deserving) various personages who met their expiration dates last year. Clearly many people in the Loser community discovered a list of Darwin Award contenders. 4th place: *ALAN ABEL (1924-2018), practical joker extraordinaire:* Alan Abel loved a hoax And spent a lifetime fooling folks; He staged his death in 1980, Then trashed his obit with much gaiety. So this time did the public scoff and Demand a peek inside the coffin? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) You were robbed of first place? Push this button and get an apology. 3rd place: *PRABHU BHATARA, unwise cabdriver in India:* Prabhu hopped outside to pee and let the engine idle. What followed many people see as close to suicidal: "He snapped a selfie with a bear," the Indian police's Official said of this affair. "Now Prabhu rests in pieces." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 2nd place and thedried scorpions with a make-them-glow flashlight : *RICHARD DeVOS (1926-2018), co-founder of Amway: Said Saint Peter, "Can't let you in now, Rich, alas. Though I'm sure that you think this is urgent, But you haven't yet reached our Cloud Nine Elite class, So go sell some more laundry detergent." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *STEPHEN HAWKING (*1942-2018): * *In heaven, maybe, Stephen Hawking Can be found upright and walking, Asking God with great respect, "Was my cosmology correct?" (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Bring out your dud: Honorable mentions *ZAIM KHALIS KOSNAN, inexperienced snake collector:* **In Selangor, Malaysia, on a morning bright and sunny, A biker met a 12-foot snake and thought, "He's worth some money!" He caught the thing, but in the end, the python was the victor, 'Cause poor ol' Zaim didn't know he'd captured a constrictor. He marveled at his trophy; he was more than slightly pleased, Until the snake attacked him! (He was more than slightly squeezed.) A python is a deadly thing, a cousin of the boa; So just be sure you know your snakes, 'cause Zaim is no moah. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *AMOS OZ (1939-2018): *Amos Oz Is . . . Sorry. Was. (Louis J. Phillips, New York, a First Offender) *SIR ROGER BANNISTER (1929-2018), who ran the first sub-4-minute mile:*: When Oxford's track results were read The single digit voiced was key For no one cared what else was said Apart from this: "The time was 3:. . . " (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *ANTHONY BOURDAIN (1956-2018):* Bull pizzle, cobra heart, maggot fried rice, Anus of warthog? He didn't think twice. There wasn't anything he wouldn't eat. Food for the worms now, the circle's complete. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *German serial killer EGIDIUS SCHIFFER (1956-2018), who accidentally electrocuted himself in his cell during a solo sex act: A self-cleaning oven is nice. A self-driving car is a thriller. But the most helpful device? A self-killing serial killer. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *PAUL ALLEN (1953-2018), co-founder of Microsoft:* Yes, you're dead — not a twitch, though we plead and entreat; We complain of a glitch, hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete. Now you've had your last breath, tell us, what have you seen? Can you tell us if Death might be, say, a blue screen? (Duncan Stevens) *STEPHEN HAWKING:* Stephen Hawking has passed (not before growing old); Now we've lost him forever (or so we've been told). But this genius discovered: black holes aren't so black. So perhaps he'll surprise us and find his way back. (Daniel Fleisher, Baltimore, a First Offender) *Rapper MAC MILLER (1992-2018): At 26, a lost musician Far too young to part for heaven. A tragic way to dodge admission To the Club of 27 . (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *EDDIE CLARKE (1950-2018), Motörhead guitarist I'm so surprised to see you go That all I have to say is ö. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *WILLIAM GOLDMAN (1931-2018), author of "The Princess Bride":* When life was irretrievable, Did you say "Inconceivable!"? Did everything you've lived through seem To be a dweam wiffin a dweam? And did you meet a Spanish guy Who told you to "prepare to die" And took revenge (a chilly dish)? What's that? Shut up? Well, as you wish. (Duncan Stevens) ** Southwest Airlines founder HERB KELLEHER (1931-2018):* His business acumen was never doubted. Now he's aloft — unless he's been rerouted. (Frank Osen) *Actor JERRY VAN DYKE (1931-2018): All those years of feeling second best, As the guy next door or late-late guest. But the Reaper came and nabbed you quick, To finally beat big brother Dick (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) *Fiat chief SERGIO MARCHIONNE (1952-2018):* The Car Guys met him at the gate: "You got here much too fast: On every course we've ever seen, the Fiat driver's last." (Frank Osen) *GEORGE H.W. BUSH (1924-2018):* In heaven, you'll stand at a rocky Maine shore, It's crisp and it's cool--keep your scarf on; You're gathered with family who've gone on before, And lots of good friends you can barf on . (Duncan Stevens) *KOFI ANNAN (1938-2018), U.N. secretary general*: When told the Ghanaian was gone, The prez sent a tweet from the john: "My condolences to The people who knew And grieve for Covfefe Annan." (Chris Doyle) *SAM BALLARD (1991-2018), unwise diner* On a dare, this poor young Aussie raver Ate a slug; what was worse than the flavor Was the illness it gave— Now he's gone to his grave, Where the slugs are returning the favor. (Frank Osen) *JOHN BARTON (1928-2018), eccentric co-founder of the Royal Shakespeare Company: *Shall I compare you to your favorite Bard? Like him, you had a celebrated wit (Though only you, perhaps, once tumbled hard, While strutting on the stage, into the pit). Like Will, you lived in England all your life, Believed that golden writing never fades, And found a gal named Anne to be your wife. But you alone, it seems, chewed razor blades. (Melissa Balmain) *ROBERT B. YOUNG (1919-2018), inventor of the product scanner: * Although last year he had to park it, His legacy's in every market. And so it's fitting he's at ease, Since he made checking out a breeze. (Frank Osen) *Comic strip cartoonist MORT WALKER (1923-2018): *His "Beetle Bailey's" long run — wow! No rabbit, but a tortoise. In heaven, is he drawing now? With ample rigor, Mort is. (Mark Raffman) *DOLORES O'RIORDAN (1971-2018), lead singer of the Cranberries:* /(to the Cranberries song "Zombie" ) /Another corpse is laid out, heart's no longer beatin', If infected, resurrected, we might all get eaten, So we hope your remains are not hunting for brains, Not undead, not undead, not shambling, Eating flanks, eating arms, eating arms, eating buns; Please stay dead, please stay dead, no rising, Won't get fed, won't get fed, zombie, zombie, zombie, That's what we dread, what we dread, zombie . . . (Duncan Stevens) *Bruno Sammartino, Nikolai Volkoff, Brickhouse Brown, Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, "The Dynamite Kid," and Big Van Vader (all died 2018):* Wrestling pros, they vied with death Until their lives were nixed; They battled till their final breath — Too bad the match was fixed. (Mark Raffman) *10 PEOPLE* Twas quite a year of loss and pain As many people died again, Like politician John McCain, Margot Kidder (Lois Lane), John Mahoney (Martin Crane), Tony "Parts Unknown" Bourdain, Stephen Hawking (what a brain!) And five poor folks who ate romaine. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *And Last: "LOVE" artist ROBERT INDIANA (1928-2018): His famous work was just a word That felt as welcome as a hug Until a contest most absurd Debased it for the LOSER mug . (Jeff Contompasis) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 4: our bogus-statistics contest. Seewapo.st/invite1316 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1318, published February 10, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1318: Love the tiny tail stain* — an anagram contest Plus our biennial 'joint legislation' winners combining Congress members' names(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // February 7 (Click here to skip down to the winning "joint legislation") *Original:* We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. /(Thomas Jefferson, the Declaration of Independence, 1776) / *Anagrams to:* What is evident is that women are not treated that equitably. The late framers structured this for penile people. Guys create and enact the laws. The gals are there behind their hubby, alienated. Oh, refill, hon? /(Kevin Dopart, Week 1051, 2013)/ *Original:* The Washington Post Style Invitational *Anagrams to:* I have total nitwits pen nasty loo things /(Chris Doyle, Week 1051)/ The Loser Community has proved itself amazingly adept at rearranging letters into clever anagrams. (In fact, if you join theStyle Invitational Devotees group on Facebook, the Devs will anagram your name inside out.) Recently we had a contest for anagrams of movie titles; this week we hark back to our broader contests of 2013 and 2004. This week: Create an anagram — a phrase or sentence with the letters rearranged — of any text (except merely someone's name) of any length, as in the examples above. You must use every letter in your original exactly once; you may add any punctuation or capitalization you like. For short phrases, you might want to rearrange Scrabble tiles, but it's not cheating to use such free computer programs as Anagram Artist *by one-time Loser Mike Keith. And before you send in your entry, /please /use the quickie*Anagram Checker at Wordsmith.org, which will instantly tell you if you've left out a letter or added an extra one. /*It's an anagram of "The Style Invitational." But you got that, right? / Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1318 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of big fat foamy brown bedroom slippers adorned with jolly-faced poop emoji, a prize that was inexplicably declined by the Week 1270 runner-up. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 18; results published March 10 (online Thursday, March 7). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Droll Call" was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Bill Dorner; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. This week's features a tribute to the peerless Mae Scanlan, who died this week, plus tips on writing long-form anagrams from our star 'grammers. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *DROLL CALL: THE 'JOINT LEGISLATION' OF WEEK 1314* ** Week 1314* was our biennial "joint legislation" contest to combine the names of new members of Congress as "co-sponsors." Some of the entries below will require you to say them out loud, perhaps repeatedly. But believe me, they don't compare with such Mrs. Incredible stretches as Omar-Harder-Lee-Lamb (Mary Had Little Lamb) or*Pappas-Scott-Braun-Meuser-Case* (Papa's Got Brand New Suitcase). Yes, this contest was a bear to judge. 4th place: The*Hyde-Smith-Underwood Bill to guarantee the right to unmarked burials in national parks. (Steve Honley, Washington) Mae Scanlan's limerick from Week 887, 2010. Read more about Mae, who died Feb. 5, in this week's Style Conversational at wapo.st/conv1318. 3rd place: The Sherrill-Watkins-Scott* resolution that younger siblings should get to play with the older kids' toys. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) [share all what kin's got] 2nd place /and the Jesus Bandages bandaids:/ The Finkenauer-Pappas-Wild-Golden-Case* Act offers immunity to Eric and Don Jr. for corroborating the Steele dossier. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: If you finish No. 2 this week, you win these poop emoji slippers. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) The Morelle-Gooden-Wright-Hill Congressional Ethics Reform Act (died in committee). (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Nays: Honorable mentions The Hyde-Smith-Smith-Rose-Rose-Levin-Levin-Garcia-Garcia* Anti-Doublespeak Paperwork and Ink Reduction Act (Frank Mann, Washington) *Wright-Steube-Baird-Underwood* Act designating nudist-friendly areas in national forests. (Virginia Hume Onufer, Chevy Chase, Md., a First Offender) [Rights to be bared under wood] The*Omar-Kim-Allred* Act, a GOP-sponsored bill to summarily accuse all Democrats of being Communists. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) [Oh, mark 'em all red] The*Lamb-Scott-Gooden-Green* Act to clean out leftovers in the refrigerator before they become really gross. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) The Levin-Omar-Levin (LOL) Proclamation recognizes that Israel and Palestine shall never again take up arms against one another. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) The Pappas-Torres Small-Pence bill to ban the sale of "slim-fit" trousers to men over 50. (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.) The Gooden-Cunningham Declaration praising the Third Little Pig for cleverly choosing building materials. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) The Pressley-Pence-Wright Declaration to Place a Proper French Crease in/les pantalons./ (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) The Guest-Rouda* [ruda]*-Lee-Rose-Tlaib* [t'leeb] Act to Remind People to Just Sit Politely for a Few More Minutes (Jennie Reiff, Crystal Lake, Ill.) [guest rudely rose to leave] The Lamb-Garcia* Act to prohibit bizarre ice cream flavors. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va) The Hyde-Smith-Wright* Act to improve the Witness Protection Program (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) The Allred-Hill-McSally-Miller-Morelle-Mucarsel-Powell-Phillips-Sherrill-Torres Small* proclamation telling Trump to go 2 L. (Bill Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.) The Golden-Neguse* Act to fund all federal operations. Forever. (Jeffrey Steinberg, Bethesda, Md.) The*Pappas-Hill-Harder* resolution confirming that fathers had to climb higher distances, both ways, to school in their day. (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) The Miller-Steube-Green Declaration of the proper way to serve beer on St. Patrick's Day. (Joanne Free) The Hill-Steube-Baird Act to authorize even more strip mining. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) The*Wild-Lee-Horn-Neguse* Act designating exactly what's good for the gander. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The Roy-Luria Shopping Mall Teen Safety Act (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) The Harder-Hern* Act to make people speak up. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) The Spano-Kim-Harder* Act to appoint Stormy Daniels as Chief of Presidential Oversight. (Mark Raffman) The Hayes-Wright-Tlaib* [t'leeb] resolution thanking Gen. Mattis for his service and apologizing for the PTSD he's going to experience. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) [he's right to leave] The Taylor-Torres Small-Johnson* Act mandating that standards for mohels should be stricter than just "He's probably pretty good with scissors." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Noah Friedlander, Chicago, a First Offender) The Spano-Van Drew-Johnson Declaration celebrating the years 1865-1869. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) The Levin-Finkenauer* Act to limit the number of whistle-blowing ex-Trump associates allowed to appear on MSNBC. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) [eleven-fink-an-hour] The Allred-Wright-Hern* Act to reduce backups at stoplights. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) [all-red right turn] The Stauber-Wild-Lee Act to regulate shower safety at the Bates Motel. (Mark Raffman) The Levin-Horsford-Haaland* Act, a relief bill authorizing almost one dozen professionals to assist Amsterdam's sex worker shortage. (Jon Ketzner) [eleven whores for Holland] The Pence-Scott-Golden-Sinema* Resolution calling for the vice president to hand over his rumored "25th Amendment stash" of Russian hotel tapes. (Kevin Dopart) The Harder-Cox* Resolution that everyone has to stop giggling, we have a serious resolution here. No, really guys, stop. Stop. (Ben Shouse, Silver Spring, Md.) And Last: The Steil-Crow Declaration: Ha! I got ink! (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 11: our Punku contest — haiku with puns. See wapo.st/invite1317. ====================================================================== WEEK 1319, published February 17, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1319: The Tile Invitational VI Make new words from ScrabbleGrams letter sets. Plus winning crossword clues.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // February 14 at 10:08 AM (Click here to skip down to the winning crossword clues) AEEGLLZ > ALL-ZEE:* A successful naptime at day care. AEEGLLZ > LAZE-LEG:* What the potato puts on the couch. AEEGLLZ >*ZEAL-GEL:* Lube. Seven letters, six times for our neologism contest based on the syndicated ScrabbleGrams feature that appears daily in The Post: At the bottom of this page is a list of 45 seven­ letter sets taken from the 2005 "Big Book of ScrabbleGrams." Each of them contains at least one real seven-letter word, but that doesn't matter here. This week: Create a five­-, six­- or seven-­letter word (or phrase) by scrambling the letters of any of the sets and define it,* as in the examples above from one of this week's sets. Just as in the crossword clue results that run today, many people will inevitably come up with highly similar entries; one way to make your definition more inkworthy than some other Loser's is to include a funny example of how your word could be used in real life. (Note: We are not playing for Scrabble points; the letter values don't matter.) *Important! How to format your entry:* Begin /each /entry — as usual, up to 25 in all — with the letter set you're unscrambling, as above, and spell it as printed, so that it won't take hours for the Empress just to sort the entries. Don't number your entries, because then they won't start with the seven letters, right? Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1319 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Mason jar of Auntie's Black Pepper Everybody's Shito ("More Shito Less Oil"), a deep red Ghanaian sauce including tomato paste, herring and the eponymous pepper. If you win this, you have to let the Empress have a taste. Donated by Marleen May. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 25; results published March 17 (online Thursday, March 14. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Gridiculous" was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *GRIDICULOUS! THE CROSSWORD CLUES OF WEEK 1315* **In Week 1315 ,* our annual Clue Us In contest, we asked you to come up with clever clues for any of the words in the grid shown below. Some of the inking clues require thinking outside the box, as it were; for example, read EARPLUGS as "Earp lugs," STAT as S-tat. 4th place: *HEADHONCHO: Restroom attendant (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; Kevin Dopart, Washington) (Jan. 9 Los Angeles Times puzzle by Debbie Ellerin, Tribune Content Agency) 3rd place: *REAP: "As ye sue, so shall ye __": Motto of personal-injury lawyers (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) 2nd place, and the book of outrageous tattoos : *LASTLAUGH: What Louis C.K. has already heard. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *ANTHEM: How Daffy Duck describes George Clooney (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) No-har fill-ins: Honorable mentions *ADE:* what to make if life gives you lemons, poms, brigs, stock, or Gators (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *ANTHEM:* What you have if insects cling to the bottom of your dress (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *ARCSIN:* It was swept under the rug during Joan's canonization. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) *ARCTICCHAR: What's gonna happen if they don't rake that tundra. (Steve Baldwin, Bethesda, Md.) *AVOID:* First step in a colonoscopy (B. Do it again) (Mark Calandra) *AVOID:* The soft spot in Wilbur Ross's heart (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *BASKS:* Gets a tan in Bilbao (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *BOURDAIN: He took a one-way trip to Parts Unknown (Dinah Rokach, Silver Spring, Md.) *BRAS:* They hold huddled masses yearning to breathe free (Barbara Turner) *BUD:* Brett Kavanaugh's old pal (Duncan Stevens) *BUD: State flower of Colorado (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *CLAY:* What a hooker provides for a C-note.(Michael Burch, Nashville) *DICEY:* View out the front windshield of many a Ford Fairlane (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.) *EARPLUGS: Melania's must-have accessory (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) *EARPLUGS:* Fastest way to grow ear hair (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *EARPLUGS:* How Wyatt transports the bodies after a gunfight (Duncan Stevens) *ERRS:* What the president puts on when he tweets (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *FEY:* Spirit "SNL" is now lacking (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *GOBUST: When the stock market tanks, who ya gonna call? ____-ers. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) *GOBUST:* "Basic Economics," Chapter 11 (Theresa Rice, Bladensburg, Md., a First Offender) *GOBUST:* Plastic surgeon's license plate (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) *GOBUST:* When they won't give you the money for a whole statue (Kevin Meade, White Plains, N.Y., a First Offender) *HARE: Maybe he'd have won the race if he'd taken rabbit transit (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) *HARE: Overconfident favorite starting with H who unexpectedly lost to reptile starting with T (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *HEDREN: Restaurant thatReverend Spooner was once asked to leave (Jesse Frankovich; Jeff Seigle, Vienna, Va.) *ISH:* Time when my spouse usually arrives (Jeff Hazle) *ISH: How Rudy Giuliani will walk back his statement "I never said his actions were treasonOUS . . ." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *ISH: What I do when you start talking in a movie theater, you boorish philistine! (2 words) (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *LAM:* Not even lame. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *LASIK:* Surgery every NFL ref needs. — Saints fan (Will Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio) *MESAS:* How Bigfoot introduced himself to Tarzan (Hildy Zampella) *NOSHES: A big bowl of bagels and knishes — and how you feel after eating them (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) *NOSHES:* What's in a man cave? (1 word /and/ 2 words) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *ONRAMP:* A driving instructor's place of prayer (Will Stutzman) *OSHA: acronym for Oh, Stop Having Accidents (Neal Starkman) *PLANE:* The best way to travel coast to coast these days after train, clown car, unicycle and Plan D, canoe. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) *PRO:* The most accomplished crastinator (Beverley Sharp) *PRO: Prefix with -ctologist (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) *RAITT:* Hairy cousin in charge of the dorm (2 words) (Jeff Shirley, Richmond,Va.; Hildy Zampella) *RIBS:* Elbow locator for Metro riders (Jeff Hazle) *RIBS:* Eat a lot of these and you won't see your own (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) *RIBS + TETONS: Things found in racks (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *SENT: A sentence fragment (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) *SENT: Box where you never want to see drunk notes to your boss (Hildy Zampella) *SHRED:* How to turn wheat into inedible breakfast cereal (Frank Osen) *SHRED:* More than the amount of dignity shown by Mitch McConnell (Neal Starkman) *SIRI:* According to the POTUS, the best thing ever to come out of Siria (Ivars Kuskevics) *STAT: Ink on Clark Kent's chest (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *STORMS:* How Trump often goes out of a meeting (Steve Fahey) *TAI CHI:* What makes it look like you're wrestling a giant slug (Barbara Turner) *TETONS:* Peak-a-boobs (Dudley Thompson) *TETONS:* The French royals still in line at 5 p.m. when the guillotine crew goes home (Allan Zackovitz, Brookeville, Md.) *THEE:* How a Brit's judgement differs from an American's judgment (John McCooey) *YES:* Double answer to "Are there any lousy groups in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?" (Jon Ketzner) *YES:* What come before "Oldes" and "Shoppes" (Todd DeLap) *YES: The kind of man Trump considers an ideal adviser (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *YOUBETCHA:*Was McCain sorry he picked Palin? (Kevin Meade) /And Last:/ YES: Will this entry get ink? (David Peckarsky, Tucson) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 18: our anagram contest. See wapo.st/invite1318 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and The Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. *The letter sets to use in Style Invitational Week 1319:* ACILRTU ACIPRVY ACKLORW ADDESST ADDFINY ADEEHST ADEELMR ADFHLNU ADFLNSY ADLMORU AEEELRS AEEGLLZ AEELTTY AEEMRSU AEEOPRT AEFGLOW AEGIIMN AEHMRST AEHPRTY AEILNVY AELMNRU AENOUUV AEOPSTZ AGMNSTU AGNORSS AHHIKSW AHILSSV DDEELMR DDEELOY DDEHIRS DDENOSS DDGHOOO DEEEKNW DEFILPU DEIKSVY DEMORST DGISSTU DNNORUW EEFHORT EEFMNOR EEGRSTU EEIRSTZ EEORSST EFGIMNT EFILQUY ====================================================================== WEEK 1320, published February 24, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1320: Questionable journalism A classic Invite contest. And you'll love at least 102.3% of this week's stats fictoids.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // February 21 (Click here to skip down to the winning bogus statistics) /Line from the Post:/ * With Beethoven, he adds, "there can be awkward jumps, or it's harder to find a fingering that really works."* /Question it could answer: / What did the toy company president concede about his low-selling line of Famous Composer Hand Puppets? A. They will have instant replays, Jumbotrons and lots of television cameras. /Question it could answer: / What are Kim and Kanye's plans for conceiving another child?* (Jeff Contompasis, Week 1053, 2014) /A. / The investigators tried a different tack.* /Q./ What happened after the "Wanted" poster fell off the bulletin board?* (Jay Shuck, Week 667, 2006) It's a classic Style Invitational contest since Week 254 in 1998: Find any sentence (or a substantive part of a sentence) that appears in The Post or another publication, in print or online, dated Feb. 21-March 4, and pair it with a question it might answer, as in the entries above by Bob Staake and from previous Questionable Journalism contests. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1320 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an electronic necktie on which is printed a piano-type keyboard* — and you can play the white keys; they make little beeplets like the ones you hear from obnoxious greeting cards. The Empress played part of "I'm a Loser" on it at the Losers' Post-Post-Holiday Party last month. Donated, as are so many of our most gloriously ridiculous prizes, by Loser Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 4; results published March 24 (online March 21). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Stats Entertainment" was submitted by both Jeff Contomapasis and Chris Doyle; David Peckarsky and Jesse Frankovich both thought of the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *STATS ENTERTAINMENT: BOGUS TRIVIA FROM WEEK 1316* *Week 1316 was another of our bogus-trivia contests, this one citing ridiculous statistics. More than 82 percent of this week's entrants sent an entry like this, which is actually true and therefore not applicable to this contest: "100 percent of Style Invitational entrants who don't get ink believe their entries were way better than the ones she chose." 4th place: In the current administration, the average official's length of service before turnover is hovering around 17.3 Scaramuccis. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Ready for her Solo: The Empress displays this week's 2nd prize at last month's Loser party. (Dean Evangelista) 3rd place: Due to the law of diminishing marginal returns, Patriots fans now become only 4 percent more insufferable with each successive Super Bowl win. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) 2nd place and the sexy-frog maraca from Cuba : It is now possible to tango with only 1.75. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Recent neurological research reveals that only 97.4 percent of fools fall in love. The remainder fall in a mix of lust and Axe Body Spray. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) Substandard deviations: Honorable mentions Although of course the mainstream media failed to report them, during the first two years of his administration President Trump made 142 true statements. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) A cat's metabolism is so efficient that it can convert 5½ ounces of cat food into 7 ounces of feces, 3 ounces of urine and 2½ ounces of fetid odor. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) In a recent memoir, Rick Astley admitted that there is at least a 25 percent chance that he will give you up, and at least a 5 percent possibility that he will let you down. (Duncan Stevens) Only 0.05 percent of registered Democrats are expected to enter the 2020 presidential race by June 2019. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Thirty-eight percent of accountants used to be statisticians, but they could not stand the excitement. (Keith Ord, Potomac, Md.) 4 out of 5 dentists recommend Your Mama. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Ninety-one percent of the articles my dad forwards me are old, debunked or irrelevant, compared with 0 percent of the ones I forward to my kid in college. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) A Panda Express "Panda Bowl" actually contains only about 6 percent panda meat. (Bill Dorner) A stitch in time will save 1,709 by the year 2030, when you factor in economic growth due to tax cuts. "" S. Mnuchin, Washington (Kevin Dopart) Almost 1 in 50 of Don Corleone's offers were refused. Well, briefly. (Todd DeLap) An average of 535 members of Congress say they enjoy hearing the sound of their own voices. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) Contrary to popular belief, the number 1 maintains an active social life, and isfar less lonely than either 267 or 894. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) In a recent marketing survey, 4 out of 5 men believed that discounted post-Super Bowl merchandise makes a great Valentine's Day present for their wives or girlfriends. (Ivars Kuskevics) In a recent survey of 7,400 Korean War veterans, more than 87 percent responded that they didn't hear the question. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) It is now possible to accurately compare nearly 86 percent of apples with oranges. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Of the 3 million more votes cast for Clinton than for Trump, 55 percent were from illegal immigrants, 31 percent were from Democrats who voted twice, and 18 percent were from dead people. The total exceeds 100 percent because some dead people voted twice. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Less than 10 percent of Americans are able to identify the grammatical error in this entry. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Tweeting for 15 minutes on the toilet actually burns about the same number of calories as 15 minutes of ranting at cable TV. (Kevin Dopart) A recent study revealed that 62 percent of dogs who refused bargain brand dog food would eat it when the dish was transferred to a neighbor's porch. (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif., a First Offender) Researchers are unable to explain why when a sock disappears in the laundry, 75 percent of the time it's the left one. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Soylent Green is /mostly/ people: The remaining 19 percent consists of xanthan gum, calcium sorbate and corn syrup. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) A man's genitalia can grow by as much as 75 percent when he's describing himself. (Warren Tanabe) Surveys conducted during the Brett Kavanaugh hearings showed a 56 percent increased interest in boofing. (Duncan Stevens) The average "Saturday Night Live" sketch continues for 2 minutes 36 seconds after the audience gets the joke. (Eric Nelkin) The joke about the statistician who drowned wading across a river with an average depth of three feet is based on the fact that an average of 16.23 statisticians do perish that way every year. (Allan Grady, Fredericksburg, Va., who last got Invite ink 21 years ago, in Week 212) The number of bells rung every year far exceeds the annual pool of new angels. (Jeff Contompasis) Of the 34 inchworms found in an average 18-square-foot flower bed, five actually stop and think marigolds are beautiful. (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) Twelve to 14 percent of teenagers have triskaidekaphobia. (Zachary Levine, Rockville, Md.) While 3 out of 4 statisticians hate reporting in generalities, 16.34934 percent think that overspecifying precision is a bigger problem. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) With improvements in hygiene, it's now possible to achieve genius with a 40:60 perspiration-inspiration ratio. (Frank Osen) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 25: our contest for words built from ScrabbleGrams racks. See wapo.st/invite1319 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1321, published March 3, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1321: Pumping Prime — Amazon product reviews Plus the winning Punku — haiku with puns(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // February 28 (Click here to skip down to the winning punny haiku) *Toenail clippers (2017): This is a great product! Pretty sure I set a new distance record this weekend. I even shot one into the trash can without leaving the couch! (#nailedit!) /(Danielle Nowlin, Week 1244)/ *Paper clips (2014): This product is hopelessly confusing. I can never tell whether the small inside loop is supposed to go on top, or the big outside end. Where is the instruction manual? /(Ken Gallant, Week 1098)/ It's been a year and a half since we last sought your creative product reviews for various everyday items sold on Amazon.com. Given that its owner keeps the Empress outfitted in a proper ermine stole, we want to make sure that our readers don't forget about this little-known website. *This week: Send us a humorous "review" (like the samples above from our earlier contests) for any of the items below* that are listed on Amazon.com. The reviews must not cause harm to the manufacturer or seller. Feel free to post the reviews on Amazon itself /after/ we post the results online March 28. While some reviews on Amazon run hundreds of words, we're looking for much shorter entries; 75 words would be lengthy for us. Click on the links below to see the exact Amazon listings we're referring to this week. *12-pack of men's white cotton handkerchiefs * *Flat shoelaces, ^5 /_16 -inch wide * *5-pound dumbbell * *Velveeta Original Pasteurized Recipe Cheese Product, 64 oz.* *Swivel vegetable peeler * *60 binder clips, assorted sizes* *Amazon Basics standard toilet paper holder * Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1321 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place scores a real collector's item, complete with wonk-celebrity provenance: We offer four-count-'em-*four K-cups of genuine Select by Trump coffee,* two each of Clubhouse Medium Roast and Tower Light Roast. They are from the personal collection of The Post's David A. Fahrenthold, winner of the Pulitzer Prize for his dogged work uncovering then-candidate Trump's fascinating "charity" (non)payments. David bought two boxes of the pods on eBay a couple of years ago (you think he'd accept compromising Trump swag?) and reports that they tasted "bad even then." The line was discontinued in 2017 partly because of poor sales. And no, they're not on Amazon. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 11; results published March 31 (online March 28). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Ha-ku" in this week's results is by Tom Witte; Tom, Kevin Dopart and Bill Dorner each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HA-KU: PUNNY POEMS FROM WEEK 1317* In Week 1317 we once again asked for Punku — haiku that contain one or more puns. (Yes, we know, these aren't true haiku; we welcomed anything with three lines and 5-7-5 syllables.) Many Losers wrote about the "Stupor Bowl," that the Mueller probe would "leave no [Roger] Stone unturned," even ancient saws like "no pun in ten did." No ink for youse. 4th place: Stormy Daniels films? I have the full collection — It's the whole she-bang. (Seth Tucker, Washington) 2nd prize: The best coffee that was ever made ever. 3rd place: The #MeToo movement Has had it up to here with Male pattin' boldness. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 2nd place /and the electric Sorry Button : / Coddling Kim Jong Un: I just hope this policy Won't leave us Seoulless. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Whichever's Northam, In shoe polish or a sheet, He's now in redface. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Nigh-ku: Honorable mentions *More on the Virginia scandals:* // Blackface as Jacko? Doesn't the governor know Polish jokes are out? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) If Ralph denies pix but later moonwalks , then it Doesn't mean jack, son. (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) Stupid move, Northam! Fairfax, Herring? You too! Sigh . . . The Old Dumbinion. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) Northam's new story: It was a passing phase — his Minstrel period. (Duncan Stevens) ---- All over the world We're waging war: Sic transit Gorier mundi. (Chris Doyle) The nuanced discourse At a Trump MAGA rally Is quite inciteful. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) I love Maroon 5! If you haven't heard them yet, You Auto-Tune in. (Frank Osen) Speaker Pelosi's One tough cookie, but has a Wall nut allergy. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) Chants of "U.S.A.!" It's like a Riefenstahl film: "Triumph of the Swill." (Patty Harbison, Nashville, a First Offender) They told Beethoven He couldn't compose while deaf. He didn't listen. (Jim Villani, Gainesville, Va., conductor of the Manassas Symphony, and a First Offender) Pew, Gallup, Harris, Rasmussen, Quinnipiac... A poller vortex! (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Measles in Portland? Time to cut out the fiction And stick to the vax. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) "Big, beautiful wall"? Mexicans are upset, but They'll get over it. (Laura Clairmont, Ashburn, Va.) What to call a speech Full of wild absurdities? State of the Onion. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) At the National Enquirer, blackmail's just a Wee Peckerdillo. (Duncan Stevens) Bezos types revenge Using just one finger — he's A-huntin' Pecker. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Pigeons overtake Venice's San Marco. It's A real coo d'état. (Kathy El-Assal) Please don't mock the Prez For his revised border plan: Stop the slat shaming! (Mark Raffman) I have to admit: With Brady's sixth ring, he goes From hero to GOAT. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) All those angry tweets POTUS sends from the toilet: You'd expect calm odes. (Kevin Dopart) The "most productive" President ever? More like The Mar-a-Laggard. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) /Stoner Loner /Her ad said, "Hot chick Seeking mate to share my stash." Alas, she meant ""Š'stache." (Bill Dorner) /Fair Catch/ Huge men bearing down, They mean you harm! Wave your arm! Punt of no return. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Nancy teaches Trump: You screw with the wrong woman, You might get the clap. (Duncan Stevens) It's not nice to talk About one's perineum. 'Taint appropriate. (Bill Dorner) No poem from Trump? Does he fear he'll be deemed a Man of low haiku? (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) .*Still running — deadline Monday night, March 4: Our classic Questionable Journalism contest. See wapo.st/invite1320 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1322, published March 10, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1322: Back to the drawing board Invent a not-well-thought-out invention. Plus winning (and AMAZING) anagrams.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // March 7 at 9:47 AM (Click here to skip down to this week's winning anagrams) *— A special security device for office buildings that recognizes someone by analyzing his spinal fluid. (Brian Broadus) *— Caramel-coated popcorn and peanuts, with a surprise algebra problem in every box. (Greg Dobbins) — Home delivery of fresh milk, via a trailer of cows driven to customers' doors.* (Russell Beland) Here's a contest we did a full 20 years ago, and surely there are lots more bad ideas to be found since then. This week: Come up with an idea for an invention that still needs a bug ironed out,* as in the inking examples above from Week 323 in 1999. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1322 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. And speaking of crappy inventions: Second place gets a fly swatter . . . well, it doesn't swat, exactly; you pull a trigger on this sort of gun, and a pair of cartoonish green plastic hands "claps" the insect to death. There's even an archery-style target on one of the palms, so that you can give yourself a score for accuracy. The Empress finds this prize far more tasteless than the poop emoji slippers and even the Trump brand coffee pods we've offered recently. Donated by Mike Creveling, a retired biology teacher and an active naturalist who wouldn't hurt a fly. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 18 ; results published April 7 (online April 4). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "'Gram Scheme" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse and Chris Doyle both submitted the anagram of "honorable mentions." Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *'GRAM SCHEME: REPORT FROM WEEK 1318 In*Week 1318 we asked you to produce anagrams — text with all the letters rearranged. Prepare for some serious mind-blowing. 4th place: *The opening of "A Tale of Two Cities": It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair. For those who'd glory in catching flies with their hands, this week's 2nd prize. /*Anagram*: /Sigh, how to begin? "It was London, it was Paris. It was the stain of woebegone teeth, it was the spot of armpit hair. It was the time of awful foods, it was the time of less cheeky help. It was wan, fetid cheeses, it was soft, soft cheeses." These spoofs: It is the far, far worse thing I do. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) // 3rd place: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. *Anagram: BS! I often itch to gnaw her hot love-tushy. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the poop emoji slippers : "I, Donald John Trump, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States." "I, Donald J. Trump, attest that I will offend you, expel the White House staff, and fleece the country for side millions." (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *A total anagram of the entire Gettysburg Address: **Dig this, my men. A few decades back, some hep, cool creative guys hath invented a sovereign country somewhere right around here that was devoted to increasing human equality. It's true, man; I saw, ah, documentation on the teevee. I call that radical! Too hot, hot, hot! But now, there's definitely a bad vibe. Wretched indignation advanced to total hatred, bitter warfare, and terrible attrition. Thousands of hale men, both Northern-trained Federal and hotheaded, pro-apartheid Confederate, everyone frightened, fighting with revolvers and rifles to decide whether survival of that great, progressive doctrine of reform and human tolerance is necessary — or a total menace. We have gathered at the, ah, scene tonight to give high props to a thin, fantastic posse that hitherto laid it all ten-tenths down for the cause. That be word. Word is bond. Nay, do listen to this oath, congregation: Whatever grateful oration we, ah, bother to deliver ain't near enough. Not near appropriate or worthwhile. Here, a dreaded Death flowered beneath the feet of, and collected, honored men. The, ah, righteous thugs and heroic hos that we celebrate achieved the whole deal; all we can do is riff charming, insignificant stuff that people will never recall. So we all gotta keep on keeping on, in order to see to it that things evolve better for our, ah, descendants so the worthwhile peeps rule twenty-four/seven. Be real. Yahoo. Whatever. (J.J. Gertler, Arlington, Va.) MINOR LOONS BENEATH: Honorable mentions Build the wall! = White lad bull. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) "We're building the wall": = We draw in the gullible. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Make America great again! = I make a migrant cage area. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) There was no collusion! = So unethical loser won. (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) "There was no collusion!" says Trump = A sorry, shameless Putin clown. Out! (Chris Doyle) "Please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger and more powerful one than his." = A bitter orange buffoon thumbs nose at autocrat. Phallic euphemism thrived online. Huh, egomania writ. (Luke Baker, Columbia, Md.) Trump's base = Must reap BS. (Jonathan Jensen) Florida Man = Random fail. (Chris Doyle) First lady Melania = Rats, I'm a fiend ally! (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Carpe diem: = Crap! Me die! (*Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) I lift my lamp beside the golden door. = No more! My bold light is dead! Tip: Flee! (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) I never met a man I didn't like = Amend: I like tainted vermin. (Mark Raffman) I do solemnly affirm that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. = "Dote on tot Trump — I'll need dynamo fixer staff," puffed the fatty suit. "Coot help needed! Toady Michael Cohen and Sheriff Steve Bannon left." I'll tweet to abet the fruitiest fictitious lies, sir, with style." (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) The Washington Nationals = What, nothing sensational. The Baltimore Orioles = Hoo, ol' team is terrible! The New York Giants = We groan, "They stink." (all by Jesse Frankovich) Democracy Dies in Darkness = Cry. America kissed Don's end. (Kevin Dopart) OR = Dark money is caressed in D.C. (Jesse Frankovich) OR = Damn! I scored sacred ink! Yes! (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) The Style Invitational = That loveliest inanity (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.; Jesse Frankovich) OR = Have I not little sanity? (Duncan Stevens) OR = Ain't it a silly event, tho? (Jesse Frankovich) The Empress of the Style Invitational = She is that fit, neat, lovely person I met. = The flattery's vital. Is she open to mine? (Jesse Frankovich) Just give yet another large bucket of ink to Jesse Frankovich this week. = Geeky objective favors King of Nuts' cheekier wit. Uh, thanks a lot, jester. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Oh, no need to check this one, Empress. I promise you it's an anagram. = Success! Yea, I hope it gets me honor and ink, not more pain or shame. (Bill Dorner) [We checked.] I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. = Tip: I am the E, Yo Mama of fantastic Style humor fame. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) /Today's winning entry was also submitted to the ongoing Anagrammy Awards contest, and did not get ink! However, all its entries can be read online. / *Still running — deadline Monday night, March 11: our contest for creative reviews of several boring household products. See wapo.st/invite1321 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1323, published March 17, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1323: Selected shortened subjects Chop letters off either end of a movie title. Plus neologisms from ScrabbleGrams 'racks.'(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // March 14 at 12:30 PM (Click here to skip down to this week's winning neologisms from ScrabbleGrams racks) [S]*NOW WHITE:* Donald Trump, following an extensive crackdown on brown-skinned immigrants, declares the United States the fairest of them all. *LA LA LA*[nd]: In the first round of singing auditions, a musical's casting director tries blocking out the sound. *CINDER*[ella]: At midnight, the coach doesn't turn into a pumpkin — it blows up. Whoops! Style Invitational First-Ballot-Lock Future Hall of Famer Duncan Stevens suggested this week's contest, a variation of one we did in 2015 with song titles . *This week: Delete one or more letters from the beginning or end (or both) of a movie title and describe the resulting movie, as in Duncan's own examples above. As in all those examples, it helps if the description somehow relates to the original movie. A clever, funny description is key this week; it's highly likely that some other Losers will chop a title the same way you did. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1323 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second prize is quite the artifact: It dates from the earliest days of the Empress's reign; finally, almost 800 columns later, she figures it's time to give it away. It's a custom-designed roll of toilet paper promoting the release of the novel "Walter the Farting Dog:* Trouble at the Yard Sale,"* "on sale March 29, 2004." So why this week? It turns out that, after a fizzled effort in 2011, there's another plan to bring the best-selling Walter series to cinematic glory — and so at least right this second there's some tenuous link between this ancient (but wrapped) roll of TP and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences. The E will also toss in a roll of Trump toilet paper, donated recently by Howard Walderman. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 25; results published April 14 (online April 11). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Danielle Nowlin (great week, Danielle!); Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *FIT TO BE TILED: SCRABBLEGRAMS NEOLOGISMS FROM WEEK 1319* **In*Week 1319, the Empress once again presented several dozen seven-letter "racks" used in the ScrabbleGrams word game, which appears daily in The Post, and asked you to find new terms of five, six or seven letters. 4th place /ACILRTU >/ ARTICUL:* A story that shouldn't have made the cut. "Let's jussie how this articul plays out." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 15-year-old TP of a maybe-subject of a new motion picture! 3rd place: /ADEEHST >/ HEADEST:* What the president is. "I'm the head of the country, the most headest of any country, believe me." (Sean Bender-Prouty, Arlington, Va.) 2nd place /and the Mason jar of Ghanaian shito sauce : / /ADFHLNU >/ ANDUH:* Filler used to stretch your essay when you run out of things to say. "Try to avoid such anduh as 'In conclusion, it has become clear that all people of reason can surely agree that . . . ' " (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: /DDEELMR >/ MEDDLR:* App designed for yentas to make dating profiles for other people. (Danielle Nowlin) E for EEFHORT: Honorable mentions /ACIPRVY >/ CA PRIVY: Many a side street in San Francisco. (Lynne Larkin, Glenn Dale, Md.) /ACIPRVY > / RACY VIP:* Jeff Bezos's new Twitter handle. (George Thompson, Springfield, Va., a First Offender) /ACIPRVY >/ IVYCRAP:* "If I hear any more Ivycrap from Mr. I-Went-to-Princeton, I'm going to throw up!" (John Shea, Philadelphia) /ACKLORW >/ OWLRACK:* A bosom that makes men's heads spin around. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) /ACKLORW >/ ROCK LAW:* "Everybody must get stoned!" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) /ACKLORW >/ ACK ROW:* The seats way up front in a theater with a three-story-high screen. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) /ADDFINY >/ NADDIFY:* Mold into a suggestive shape. "Who naddified my snowman?" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) /ADEEHST>/ SHADEE:* Upscale Slurpee with a cocktail parasol. (George Thompson) /ADEELMR > / ELDERAM:* An old butthead. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) /ADEELMR > / MR. DEAL:* Does not necessarily translate into Mr. President. (Roger Dalrymple) /AEFGLOW > / A. WE FLOG: First step in the new "Tracking Down White House Leakers" manual. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) /ADFLNSY >/ FLY-NADS:* Clinical name for a tragic injury involving one's jeans zipper. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) /ADLMORU >/ MR. DOULA:* He offers emotional support to fathers during childbirth. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) /ADLMORU >/ UM, ORAL?:* What they didn't mean for you to enter when they put a box for "Sex" on the questionnaire. (Danielle Nowlin) /AEEELRS >/ EEL-ARSE:* One of the less popular sushi delicacies. (Jeff Shirley) /AEEELRS >** / EELERS:* Pro fishing team from Pittsburgh. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) /AEEOPRT >/ EATROPE:* Hashtag for hemp recipes. "Gwyneth Paltrow is a #EatRope aficionado." (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) /AEFGLOW >/ WEGOLF: Presidential plan of action for an international crisis. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) /AEFGLOW >/ WOLFAGE:* Food, as seen by teenage boys. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) /AEHMRST >/ HA TERMS:* Kim's view of U.S. offers. (Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.) /AEHPRTY >/ 'HEY' TRAP:* Why your mom told you not to turn your head when a guy calls at you. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) /AEILNVY >/ AIL-ENVY: Wishing you'd caught the flu at the office rather than sit through another staff meeting. (David Peckarsky) /AELMNRU > / LEARNUM:* The teaching of Latin in West Virginia. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring) /AELMNRU >/ MENULAR:* Adept at waiting tables. "The server was so menular that she could recite 15 specials without looking at her notes." (Zachary Levine, Rockville, Md.) /AELMNRU >/ MARELUN:* Its largest city is Ballmer. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) /AELMNRU >/ MANRULE:* He-gemony. (Chris Doyle) /AENOUUV >/ EAU NO:* Gah! You have to have a closed-door meeting with the guy with the too-strong cologne! (Danielle Nowlin) /AEOPSTZ >/ EZ TOP:* A cover band with fake long beards. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) /AEOPSTZ >/ OZ TAPES:* Just-discovered scandalous video of Miss Piggy and a Munchkin. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) /AGMNSTU >/ MAGNUTS:* His base. (Jeff Lubbers, Takoma Park, Md.) /AGMNSTU > / MAN-TUGS: What got Robert Kraft into trouble (Jeff Shirley) /AGMNSTU >/ MUSTNAG:* Popular name forAreweth-Ereyet syndrome. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) /AGMNSTU >/ SUMTANG:* John Fogerty's rendition of a song written by George Harrison. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) /AGMNSTU>/ MANGST:* Boyfriend worries. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) /AHHIKSW >/ HIKSHAW:* Trailer made from an old pickup bed. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) /DEEEKNW >/ ENDWEEK: Jan. 13-19, 2021. (Holding our breath.) (Jesse Etelson, Rockville, Md.) /DDEELMR > / MERDEL: The traditional French award for being number two in a competition. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) /DDEHIRS >/ SHERDID: The proper response when someone asks if something blowed up real good. (Frank Osen) /DDENOSS />*DE-DON:* What 6 in 10 Americans would like to do in 2020. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) /DDGHOOO >/ DOG DOH: You stepped in it. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) /DDGHOOO >/ DOGHOOD:* The stage of life when all you want to do is to be petted and fed. "My husband seems to have regressed into chronic doghood." (Neal Starkman, Seattle) /DEFILPU >/ PLED FU: How Roger Stone responded to criminal charges. (Ed Neveleff, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) /DEMORST > / MR. T.'S ODE:* "Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and I pity the foo." (Jesse Frankovich) /EEFHORT >/ TROFEE:* Top prize at the misspelling bee. (Jesse Frankovich) /EEFHORT >/ HO FETE:* A model railroad fair that inadvertently drew the wrong crowd. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) /EEFMNOR >/ NOREF:* Super Bowl officiating team. (Drew Bennett) /EEFMNOR >/ ROMEN:* Spaghetti made with a pack of Japanese noodles. (Chris Doyle) /EEORSST >/ TREE-O'S: A brand of VERY high-fiber breakfast cereal. (Tom Witte) /DDGHOOO >/ DOH-GOOD: He has the best of intentions, but he always screws it up somehow. (Gary Crockett) /DEEKNW: / KNEWED:* Was aware. "Cletus knewed those overalls was ready to fall off." (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) /AGMNSTU >/ MAGNUTS:* Style Invitational Losers. "Many magnuts work 10 days straight trying to win something to stick on the fridge." (Chris Doyle, who works 10 days straight and doesn't even want any more magnets) *Still running — deadline Monday night, March 18: Our contest for ideas for inventions that still need a bug or two worked out. See wapo.st/invite1322. ====================================================================== WEEK 1324, published March 24, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1324: Chapter and worse Tell a Bible story or other old tale as another writer would. Plus 'Questionable Journalism.'(By Bob Staake for The Washington Post (with apologies, of course, to Dr. Seuss)) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // March 21 (Click here to skip down to the Questionable Journalism winners) *Exodus, as told by Donald Trump:* "See, Pharaoh was weak and had bad judgment. He let in all these people (no wall!). And then when they wanted to leave, he said no! Can you imagine!?" *. . . by Karl Marx:* "Ultimately the inevitable worker revolution took place, hastened by some fortunate meteorological phenomena." *. . . by Dr. Seuss:* "Who took you from Egypt and split the Red Sea? There's only ONE GOD and that ONE GOD is ME." This week's contest was the idea of Hall of Fame Loser Mark Raffman, who'll be recounting the story of the Exodus, in some form or other, at a Passover Seder next month (just in time for this week's results). *This week: Tell or describe a Bible story, or another classical or folk tale, very briefly (75 words would be lengthy) in the voice of a particular author or other person,* as in Mark's examples above, which could be three different entries or one combined one (the Empress might choose). Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1324 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second prize receives a little volume titled "The Golfer's Prayer Book,"* by Dominican nun (and golfer) Dorothy K. Ederer. Sister Dorothy recasts various passages of Scripture in a duffer-centric way, such as the 23rd Psalm: ". . . Even though I end up at times in rough places, I have no fears . . . With my woods and irons, I progress from tee to greens with hope and exultation." You may chuckle, but yea, Sister D., on June 28, 1994, scored a hole in one on the 10th hole at Ridgeview Golf Course. Donated by Loser Daphne Steinberg. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 1 (no joke!); *results published April 21 (online April 18). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Q-shticks" is by Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *Q-SHTICKS: 'QUESTIONABLE JOURNALISM' WINNERS FROM WEEK 1320* **In Week 1320,* our recurring Questionable Journalism contest, we asked readers to choose any sentence from a publication dated that week and write a question it could answer (if oddly). 4th place: /Sentence in a Post story:/ She suggests keeping 12, and her preference is for all matching mugs for a calmer look. /Question it might answer:/ How does Marie Kondo recommend that police departments organize their "Most Wanted" posters? (Steve Honley, Washington) 3rd place: /Post story: /A cloud can amplify global warming, or it can limit it, depending on what kind of cloud it is, and its size, location, thickness, duration, etc. /Question: /How did the first draft of "Both Sides Now" start? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place and the electronic piano-keyboard necktie : A. Tip-off is 7 p.m. Q. So you think the Mueller report is going to be leaked? (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: A. "I was tasked with the job of stopping the run and I do take pride in that." Q. So, Mr. Putin, you admit sabotaging the Clinton campaign? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Ask-naught: Honorable mentions A. No one wants to see a baby in distress. Q. Why does the president usually watch cable news by himself? (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) A. The Wizards' defensive woes have been especially evident in how they defend the paint. Q. Did you hear the Klan leaders' pathetic comments over the blackface picture in Gov. Northam's yearbook? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) A. "Soybean prices are in the toilet right now." Q. What happened when the grocery tagger had to bring his toddler to work with him? (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) A. "I was super excited for him because I knew it was a very hard accomplishment." Q. Vice President Pence, why did you give the president a standing ovation for attending the 9 a.m. Cabinet meeting? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A. You might feel as if you have pushed too hard. Q. What if my new baby ends up halfway across the delivery room? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) A. "FLOTUS, hands down." Q. What did Mick Mulvaney shout in the West Wing after asking if anyone was planning to leave in the next 12 months? (Kevin Dopart) A. And the icing on the cake was the taxes. Q. What else happened at your accountant's birthday party? (Duncan Stevens) A. A kiss based on one person's joy and another person's non-consenting shock isn't really a perfect kiss. Q. What were the early, rejected lyrics to "As Time Goes By"? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) A. "We don't have to settle for being as terrible as Donald Trump." Q. When the GOP adopted its "Let's settle for being as terrible as Donald Trump" strategy, what advice did it reject? (Duncan Stevens) A. "It is a hell that no person deserves." Q. Why did Satan say he quit working at the White House? (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) A. Just who is Patrick Shanahan? Q. Mr. President, Patrick Shanahan has been on the job for six months. What's your estimation of his effectiveness so far? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) A. "Saturday and Sunday weren't as successful as we had hoped, but that's just part of the learning process." Q. What did God say to His co-workers on Day 8? (Duncan Stevens) A. Banging the table, she added, "Why can't I use that watermelon?" Q. When did you realize your new girlfriend is just too kinky for you? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) A. Their white tops reflect lots of solar radiation back into space. Q. What role does the Green New Deal envision for bald Nebraskans in combating global warming? (Steve Honley) A.Bowser declined to weigh in on the reported compromise proposal. Q. How wasMario's new offer for the release of Princess Peach received? (Jesse Frankovich) A. Excess drooling during breakfast may not set off your internal alarms, but finding puddles on your floors might be cause for concern. Q. How can I tell I'm watching too much cable news? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) A. "If I had even 1 percent of that amount of money, you would never see or hear from me ever again." Q. "Tell me, darling: if you won the lottery would you take me around the world?" (Beverley Sharp) A. It wasn't like, "Well, if this doesn't work out I can go back home." Q. Did you have any reservations about deciding to burn down your house for the insurance money? (Danielle Nowlin) A. I have attended 45 back-to-school nights over the past 40 years. Q. So how has the rhythm method worked for you? (Jeff Contompasis) A. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Q: How's progress on the Post's initiative to avoid using cliches? (Mark Raffman) A. "I was telling everybody I wasn't going to cry and all that, and I got to the final buzzer and it just kind of hit me." Q. What did the winner say at the end of the viral Bee Sting Challenge? (Tom Witte) A. I need some help setting boundaries with a friend who has a hard time reading social cues. Q. How did "Pence-ive on the Potomac" start his letter to Dear Abby? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf; Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) A. A brutal Arctic air mass is about to take over the United States. Q: After predicting an early spring, why did Punxsutawney Phil join the witness protection program? (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) A. "I think in certain places that's not going to be received very well." Q. What happens if I throw a ball to the Redskins' pass-catchers? (Duncan Stevens) A. Mr. Kraft hugged her and gave her a $100 bill and another, unidentifiable form of currency. He was on his way 14 minutes after he arrived. Q. How do we know who in the Patriots organization, other than Tom Brady, is rich and has a quick release? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) A. "Go in there and kick ass." Q. What was Shakespeare's first draft of the St. Crispin's Day speech in "Henry V"? (Duncan Stevens) *Still running — deadline Monday night, March 25: Our contest to delete letters from the beginning and/or end of a movie title. See wapo.st/invite1323 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1325, published March 31, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1325: Stand up and jeer — jokes for the WHCA dinner Plus this week's winners: creative reviews for boring household products(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // March 28 (Click here to skip down to the creative reviews for everyday products) *New contest for Week 1325: *Stand up and jeer *"Of course, Trump isn't here. . . . I would drag him here myself, but it turns out the president of the United States is the one p---- you're not allowed to grab." /— comic Michelle Wolf, at the 2018 White House Correspondents' Association dinner/ *"Yo, Barry, you did it, my n---a." /— comic Larry Wilmore to President Obama at the 2016 dinner / Welp, there's not going to be a comic performing at /this/ year's WHCA dinner. After a three-decade tradition of hiring a comedian to tease the gussied-up media types as well as the celebs and politicos — usually including the president, who then takes his own turn at the mic with a gentle standup routine — the embarrassed press association announced that this year's speaker, on April 27, would instead be historian Ron Chernow, who'll "make the case for the First Amendment." President Trump, who refused to attend the past two dinners, has not yet said whether he'll be showing up at the Washington Hilton to mix with the Enemy of the People and listen to Chernow, author of the Alexander Hamilton biography that inspired Lin-Manuel Miranda to write the musical about the Founding Father. But /we're/ here. This week: Give us some original standup jokes that would have been good at this year's White House Correspondents' Dinner; * *they can assume that the president (or someone else) is in the room, or not. You can even suggest some material for Chernow, who insists that "while I have never been mistaken for a stand-up comedian, I promise that my history lesson won't be dry." The contest results publish online two days before the event, so he could revise his bit. And we're *extending the entry deadline to April 15* so that your jokes can be a week fresher. This contest was suggested by Obsessive Loser Jeff Contompasis. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1325 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second prize, apropos of this contest, receives a genuine first-(only-?)edition of*"Collected Speeches of Spiro Agnew,"* comprising the crooked pol's public proclamations during the first two years of his veepship — a couple of years before he resigned after pleading nolo contendere over those pesky kickbacks. Dedicated by its original owner, who inscribed the title page "Elden Carnahan, Boston, 1971." The 48-year-old mass-market paperback is, fittingly, rather sullied, with a slightly off odor. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 15* (what, you have something else due that day?), results published in print April 28 (online April 25). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; Bill Dorner wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *MERCH MADNESS: THE PRODUCT REVIEWS OF WEEK 1321 **In*Week 1321,* we once again asked for humorous reviews for various boring products listed on Amazon.com. Many Losers noted that the "blemish remover" included on the vegetable peeler did not improve their complexions. 4th place: *12-pack of men's white cotton handkerchiefs: Who would have guessed that carrying my mucus in my pocket all day could be so stylish? (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) 3rd place: *Flat shoelaces, 5/16-inch wide: *Three stars — not as good as spaghetti, but better than zoodles. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 2nd place /and the pods of David Fahrenthold's own Trump Select coffee :/ * *Velveeta Original Pasteurized Recipe Cheese Product, 64 oz. : *Cheese slices are so last week — this time I tossed the whole 64 oz onmy baby's face at once! Soooo many page views! Next time I'll take it out of the box first. Like and Subscribe! (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *60 binder clips, assorted sizes: Binder clips. Yawn . . . until I saw the French on them:/"pinces relieuses variées,"/ and suddenly I wasn't in my cubicle ordering office supplies. I was waltzing to accordion music down the Champs-Elysees, drinking Bor-deaux, and helping mustachioed, beret-wearing mimes binder-clip elegant French documents as the sun set over the Arc de Triomphe. "Take me away!" I cried as I clicked "Buy Now." Anyway, they're binder clips. (David Hammond, Vienna, Va., a First Offender) Yucky stars: Honorable mentions *12-pack of men's white cotton handkerchiefs: Now I have one for every month of the year! Livin' the good life! (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) I got these reusable handkerchiefs to impress my zero-waste, natural-living girlfriend, but it turned into a heated "conversation" about the cotton industry's ties to slavery. She was too snotty for me anyway. (Maddy Vieth, Washington, a First Offender) Great "filler" to add extra lift to your cleavage. Smooth contours with none of those lumps you get with sweat socks. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) I can't understand why items like this are still sold. Don't they realize that handling cotton is an anxiety trigger for those coping with America's abhorrent history? — Virginia first lady Pam Northam (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) These are handkerchiefs made for a MAN. None of your girly, lacy folderols that won't stand up to dribbling tobacco juice or coughed-up sputum. Plain white cotton was good enough for the men who plowed the plains and laid the rails. Such handkerchiefs would have wiped the sweat from the tanned, weatherworn forehead of a Texas ranger chasing down a gang of cattle rustlers. Buy 'em. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) *Flat shoelaces, 5/16-inch wide:* My doctor told me to get a neti pot, but these were way cheaper! The plastic bits on the end hurt, though, so only 4 stars. (Todd DeLap) I just stuffed these flat laces with dryer lint, and now they look just as good as the round laces at half the price! (Deb Stewart) The description says these are "great for all types of shoe." Well, they fell right off my horse's hoofs. And let's not even discuss brake shoes. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) I ordered these shoelaces from Amazon, but all I found in the padded envelope with the abstract jet leaving behind a satisfied smile of a contrail was disappointment. These laces measured a full three microns thick, according to my micrometer. As I have done with my other 37 purchases from Amazon in the last 37 days, I shall return these laces for a speedy refund. Now that will put a satisfied smile on MY face. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Velveeta Original Pasteurized Recipe Cheese Product, 64 oz. :* I'm sick of all the snotty snark about this product. Velveeta is quick, easy and affordable, and it works better than many of the much more expensive spackles. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) I take the Velveeta out of the box, put in my bottle of wine and put it back in the fridge. No one has ever found my stash! Five stars! (Robyn Carlson) I think they changed the recipe — doesn't taste anything like the real thing. I finally finished the 32-ounce block I purchased in 1953 at the A&P, and it was sooooo much better than this crap. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) Back me up here: Cheese comes from a cow. Leather comes from a cow. The third anniversary is the "leather" anniversary . . . (Todd DeLap) This is an excellent product: Melts quickly with no lumps, then I just mix it with a little base- coat makeup and voila!, the perfect shade for my Trump costume. (Robyn Carlson) People!! Pasteurization is just a scheme to increase costs and make money for Big Cheese — who DON'T tell you that pasteurization can ALSO cause your children to be infertile until they reach PUBERTY! If you love your kids, only feed them natural, homemade, unpasteurized velveeta! (Frank Osen) The aroma of this cheese has a fair intensity but low duration. The flavor is heavy on the sweet and salty side, with very few bitter notes. Elastic and sticky in the mouth, it quickly melts with a buttery texture. While lacking total satisfaction, I ate the entire package in one sitting. Pairs well with a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) It mixes well in casseroles; it melts into a dip. It boosts a salad's flavor; it's versatile and hip. No matter how you slice or dice or chop or shred or nuke it, Velveeta's smooth when going down, and later when you puke it. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *5-pound dumbbell: This item is aptly named! I hit it 20 times with a hammer and the only sound I got was a miserable clank! (George Smith, Frederick, Md.) If you want biceps like Barney Fife and are willing to do the work, here is all the gym equipment you'll ever need. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) I lifted this thing like 10 times and I still don't look like the guy in the picture. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) 5 stars! Superior in every way to the 239-pound one! (Tom Gleason, Lawrence, Kan.) I read in the reviews here that this was great for curls, but it is extremely uncomfortable. I woke up with a really stiff neck, and when I sat up, it ripped my hair out. (Frank Osen) Very accurate item description — I pounded this on my alarm clock exactly five times, and that was the perfect number to completely mute the stupid &$^# ringer. Five stars! (Danielle Nowlin) Your website says this product is available in sizes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12 and 15 lb. So I guess those of us who prefer to work out with dumbbells weighing 11, 13 or 14 pounds are just out of luck, huh? (Steve Honley, Washington) *Swivel vegetable peeler:* I've been a KitchenAid man for years, but I like to stay abreast of the latest developments in peeler tech. This premium swivel model from Zulay has good balance and okay shear tolerance, but it seems to come at the expense of adequate torque and tensile strength. The handle is reasonably grippy, but still gets slick in intense peeling situations. Overall rating: 3.275. (David Hammond) Your health plan doesn't cover impetigo? This peeler quickly and painlessly removes scabs. Just remember to rinse it off in warm water before returning to meal preparation. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Works okay but jiggles when you shake it. Maybe mine had a manufacturer's defect? (Frank Mann, Washington) *60 binder clips, assorted sizes: (Can't say how these work in the long term, but the right wing of our boss's executive jet is still there. (Frank Mann) These are perfect for executing just about any intricate updo. And when strategically placed, they can also pinch a tiny bit of scalp — presto, instant facelift. Way cheaper than Botox. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Don't you hate it when you only need 59 binder clips but are forced to buy that one extra? Thank goodness for Craigslist! (Deb Stewart) Bought them years ago in anticipation of promotion that never came through. Never buy in bulk unless you really, really need that many. @MittRomney (Dinah Rokach, Silver Spring, Md.) Good, but nearly impossible to open once the handles fold forward. Then you need a screwdriver to pry it open — terribly inconvenient. (Martin Bancroft, Bellevue, Wash.) 60 binder clips, assorted sizes: Five stars! Binder clip squeezes are an essential part of my fingerbuilding regimen. My pinkies are RIPPED!! (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Amazon Basics standard toilet paper holder:* I'm so glad to have one of these at last! My older brother has been making me stand in the bathroom and hold the toilet paper for years. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) This product is thoroughly unsatisfactory! My husband insists the paper should hang over the roll, while I rightly hang it under, and your product DOES NOT PROVIDE INSTRUCTIONS!!! (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Just once, I wish they would design one of these things that could be refilled by spouses and children. (Robyn Carlson) This is described as a "modern" toilet paper holder. Does that mean that there's one of those cameras in it? (Warren Tanabe) Extremely misleading because the toilet paper is NOT INCLUDED! I was really depending on the next-day shipping, so you can imagine my distress when the product arrived holding nothing! (Drew Bennett) *Still running — deadline Monday night, April 1: Our contest to sum up a Bible story or folk tale as someone else would write it. See wapo.st/invite1324 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1326, published April 7, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1326: Foaling Around — our most popular contest 'Breed' 2 horse names and name the foal. Plus winningly bad ideas for inventions.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // April 4 (Click here to skip down for the winning problematic inventions) *Country House x Mantra = No Place Like Om* *Cutting Humor x Dull Knife = ZZZZinger* *Much Better x Improbable = 2020?* Hi yo, silver (to mix equine metaphors): It's the 25th annual Style Invitational foal-naming contest, almost always the most popular of the year. While the Kentucky Derby accepts only 20 entrants to run on the Churchill Downs track, the Empress will probably be judging about 4,000 horse names (and printing about 50). At the bottom of this column is a list of 100 of the nearly 400 3-year-olds nominated for this year's Triple Crown races: the Derby, Preakness and Belmont; your job is to "breed" any two names and name the "foal" to reflect both names,* as in the examples above. (It makes no difference that there are only two fillies on the list — go, Cairo Cutie and Jaywalker! — and that some are geldings.) As in actual thoroughbred racing,*a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces,* but one or more of the characters may be punctuation marks or numerals. You may run words together to stay within the length limit, but the name should be easy to read. *Super-important for the Empress's sanity! Make sure you (a) spell the original horse names correctly in your entry, and (b) use the "Name A x Name B = Foal Name" format as shown in the examples, so that the thousands of entries will be properly sorted. As always, you may send as many as 25 entries; don't number them, please (sorting issues again). And don't bother to suggest Name A x Name B = Third Name on the List; it won't get ink. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1326 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Double Your Glovin' Two-Pack: First, a pair of *Handerpants,* which are very thin fingerless cotton gloves in a tighty-whitey motif, complete with fly (for what, a knuckle?). But also *DishPlay After Dinner Theater, which comprises a pair of yellow dishwashing gloves with little faces drawn at the thumb-forefinger nexus, an angry-looking mustachioed one on the left hand and a lipsticked lady on the right. "The more you work, the more animated they become, and their snappy rubber repartee will turn chore time into fun time!" I hope the Fred brand doesn't branch out into proctology gloves. The Handerpants were donated by Dave Prevar, the DishPlay by Loser Patty Hardee. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 15 (isn't it for everything?); results published on Derby weekend: May 5 in print, May 2 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Har-Brained Ideas" is by Jesse Frankovich; Duncan Stevens wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter this week, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv1326 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HAR-BRAINED IDEAS: PROBLEMATIC INVENTIONS FROM WEEK 1322* In Week 1322 we asked you to think up some inventions that still had a bit of a bug . . . 4th place: *Michael Jackson Cuddle Pillows. "He'll be there to comfort you . . ." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Whole lotta glove: This week's second prize includes both fingerless Handerpants and the dramatic latex AfterDinner Theater. 3rd place: *The Swiss Army Gardener:* A handy, foldable multi-tool combining a shovel, rake, hoe, hacksaw, pitchfork, pruning shears and posthole digger. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) 2nd place and the'hand-clapping' fly swatter : *The next James Bond movie chase scene, conducted by driverless taxis. (Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Braille alphabet soup.* (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) You-reek-a: Honorable mentions *Individually wrapped potato chips for all those times when you want to eat just one. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *A security feature on ATMs* that asks loudly, "YOU ENTERED 7732 FOR YOUR PIN. IS THAT CORRECT?" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) The Decade at a Glance* Calendar. (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) *Corporate voice mail that works only if the caller is calm and polite. "I won't transfer you to one of our associates until you apologize for shouting." (Martin Bancroft, Bellevue, Wash.) A device that provides soothing relief to aching joints by gently warming the hand with flowing water while you're sleeping. (Jeff Contompasis) An "I Haven't Voted Yet" sticker to help you vote twice. (Jesse Frankovich) In case of an electrical outage, power your BreatheEZ oxygen pump* by jogging briskly on the attached treadmill. (Noah Meyerson, Washington) *Spanx burqas*. Fittingly modest. (Kevin Dopart) Remove /all/ the wax from your ears with the Q-Tip Drill Bit.* (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) A*tic-tac-toe book for Mensa members.* (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Dorian Green: A miraculous tree food* that keeps oak and maple leaves a bright and healthy green color until the moment they fall off the tree. (John Greenlees, Burke, Va., a First Offender) The end of that frustration of opening toys: Molded plastic packaging with a built-in razor knife for easier opening. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Fly Byes: Men's pants zippers that automatically close* after the 17-second Standard Urination Interval. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) A bathroom scale that automatically shares the results* to Twitter and Facebook. (Duncan Stevens) The*two-way nanny cam*, for babysitters who need to know what /you're/ up to! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) An*invisible fence for defense against burglars.* Complete with several shock collars for putting on potential home invaders. (Roy Ashley, Washington) *FunnyAccountants.com:* A dating site where the two of you can find each other. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Pop-up sympathy cards. (Mark Calandra) *The Tooth Fairy Savings Bond: Imagine that delighted little gaptoothed smile in the morning! (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) *Pocket Mucus Sucker: This battery-powered vacuum draws snot from your nose through plastic tubes into a receptacle in your pocket. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) A 36-inch-wide, 12-inch-deep rearview mirror that completely eliminates blind spots behind a car. (John Hutchins) *The Penny Dispenser : Put in a dollar and it will return 100 pennies. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *A salt-and-sugar shaker set.* (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) An inline wheelchair.* (Jesse Frankovich) A hydroelectric vehicle* that could be charged simply by placing the attached water wheel into a nearby stream. (Jeff Contompasis) *Saran Rat: A trap that swaddles rodents in clear plastic film. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Autonomously operated bumper cars:* Enhanced with accident-avoidance sensors and software. (Mark Raffman) *Monsanto's new hybrid vehicles perform better than all competitors, but you have to buy new ones every year. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *A comb with a fold-out fork* built into the handle. — A. Klobuchar (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.; Jeff Contompasis) *Let's set up a platform on the Internet where everybody can publish any idea at any time for all to see with no editing. That way we can all be friends! (Ellis Burruss, Brunswick, Md., a First Offender) *Still running — deadline also Monday, April 15: our contest for jokes for the White House correspondents' dinner. See wapo.st/invite1325. *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. */The 100 Triple Crown nominees we'll be using for Week 1326: / *Admire *And Seek* *Andor* *Annualized* *Anothertwistafate* *Bankit* *Blue Steel* *Bodexpress* *Bourbon War *By My Standards* *Cairo Cutie* *Castle Casanova* *Code of Honor *Coliseum* *Comical Ghost* *Country House *Curlaway* *Current* *Cutting Humor* *Daring Disguise* *Don Vito Corleone* *Dream Maker *Dull Knife* *Easy Shot* *Escaped* *Everfast* *Exchequer* *Family Biz* *Federal Case* *Final Jeopardy* *Frolic More* *Galilean *Game Winner* *Go Away* *Gray Magician* *Great Sense* *Haikal *Harvey Wallbanger* *He's Smokin Hot* *Hidden Scroll* *Higgins* *Hitch* *Hold Your Tickets* *Identifier* *Improbable* *Incorrigible* *Instagrand *Jaywalk* *Jeans n' Boots* *Kingly *Last Judgment* *Long Range Toddy* *Mantra* *Master Fencer* *Maximum Security* *Mercy Rule* *Midnight Curfew* *Mind Control *More Ice* *Mr Mike *Mr. Money* *Much Better* *Mucho Gusto* *Muralist* *My Legacy* *Nitrous *No Rules* *Olympic Runner* *Omaha Beach* *One Bad Boy* *Outshine* *Picasso* *Plug and Play* *Plus Que Parfait* *Polar* *Punchline* *Roadster *Rotation* *Royal Meeting* *Seclusive* *Sergei Prokofiev* *Shootin the Breeze* *Signalman* *Sir Winston* *Skywriting* *Sly* *So Alive *Spinoff* *Synthesis* *Tacitus* *Tax* *Time Is Now* *Trophy Chaser* *Van Beethoven* *Vekoma* *War of Will* *Well Defined *Wicked Indeed* *Win Win Win* *Zoomer* ====================================================================== WEEK 1327, published April 14, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1327: Mess with our (or anyone's) heads Plus 'Orgy and Bess' and other winning shortened movie titles(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // April 11 (Click here to skip down to the winning shortened movie titles) /Real headline from ad: 0% Interest for 5 Years* / /Bank head:/ Dad Still Makes Family Take Annual Road Tour of Historical Markers *The Meat Industry Is at a Tipping Point* Stop Playing Pranks on the Cows, Stockyards Order Employees *Prosecutor Defends Dropping Charge* DA's toddler grandson 'just the wiggliest thing,' falls off during piggyback ride As long as we have headlines, we'll have Mess With Our Heads, our perennial "bank head" contest. You'll have 12 days' worth of headlines to use — and you can use the heads from any print or online publication that are published in that period. This week: Reinterpret (or comment wryly on) a headline (or a big part of a headline) by writing a bank head, or subtitle, as in the examples above, which play on recent headlines in The Post. The headlines may be from The Post or another publication, print or online, dated April 11-22, 2019. Please give the source and date for the headline so the Empress can verify it. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1327 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a special custom-made item for right-thinking baseball fans everywhere: It's a nice big "Barves" T-shirt — as in plural of "barf" — mocking the Atlanta Braves and their pukily offensive "Tomahawk Chop" and other mortifying references to Native Americans. Donated by Loser John Kupiec, who a few years ago donated some "Barves bags." *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 22; results published May 12 in print, May 9 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Movie Violations" is by Jon Gearhart; Danielle Nowlin and Jesse Frankovich both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter this week's contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *MOVIE VIOLATIONS: THE SHORTENED TITLES OF WEEK 1323* **In Week 1323* we asked you to chop one or more letters off the beginning and/or end of a movie title, then describe the resulting movie. Among the thousands of entries — the Empress might have set a coffee consumption record — REAR WIND*[ow] generated 39 fart jokes, [J]*AWS* a dozen entries about cute baby sharks. 4th place: *DUDE, WHERE'S MY CA*[r?]: A couple of stoners wake up the morning after the Big One hits the West Coast. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Braves anti-fan Nancy Kupiec models this week's second prize, donated by her husband. (John Kupiec) 3rd place: [P]*ORGY AND BESS:* The never-before-told story of Mrs. Truman's wild years in the White House (Neal Starkman, Seattle) 2nd place and the 'Walter the Farting Dog' promotional toilet paper: [Ba]*CK TO THE FUTURE:* Louis builds a time machine to go forward a whole generation, but it's still too soon to hear his jokes again. (Jerome Uher, Alexandria, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: [The L]*EGO MOVIE 2: Slated to open Jan. 20, 2021, but cancellation is highly possible. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) [Bla]ZING SAD[dles]: Honorable mentions *A BOY AND HIS D*[og]: A New York "fixer" threatens a military academy with destruction if it releases the transcript of a long-ago graduate. (Seth Tucker, Washington) [A]*LIENS:* When the mortgage company is on your trail, the only place you can run is outer space . . . or is it? (Lee Graham, Derwood, Md.) [A]*MADEUS:* Tyler Perry playsa zany lady who's jealous of her musically gifted, and even zanier, twin brother. (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) [B]*LACK PANTHER:* After a last-minute discovery, N'oah must turn the ark around. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) [O]*LIVER!:* Please, sir, I want less. (Jesse Aronson, Arlington, Va.; Michelle Gluck, Bethesda, Md.) [Cr]*OUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DR*[agon]: A zoo vet lurks in the jungle to help ailing predators. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) [G]*ROUNDHOG DA*[y]*:* After repeated questioning, a spy finally divulges Trump's Russian code name. (Frank Osen) [B]*ATMAN: An origin story about Raymond Tomlinson, the inventor of email. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn. Va.) [Dr. Strangelove or:] HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BO*[mb]: A Washington commuter comes to grips with the reality of riding the Metro. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *FRIED GREEN TOM*[atoes]: Hannibal Lecter opens a restaurant in a Southern town. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) [R]*AIDERS OF THE LOST A*[rk]: Wealthy parents will stop at nothing to snag a coveted grade for their offspring. Upcoming sequel: MILLION DOLLAR BA*[by]. (David Peckarsky; Karen Van Buren, Los Altos, Calif.; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) [C]*LICK:* An Adam Sandler movie that doesn't quite suck — but comes awfully close. (Jerome Uher) [T]*ANGLED:* Rapunzel is trapped in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) *JURASSIC PAR*[k]: A year on the PGA senior tour. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) [LI]*FE IS BEAUTIFUL*: An athlete is propelled to success with the magic of iron supplements. (Mike McCumber, Gambrills, Md., a First Offender) [A]*POLLO 13:* A Peruvian chicken joint acquires Colonel Sanders's original recipe, but disaster strikes after it adds two more herbs and spices. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) [na]*SHVILLE: Ten varied characters spend a morning at a strictly run Tennessee library. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *THE THIEF OF BAG*[dad]: Who keeps stealing lunches from the office fridge? (Stephen Gilberg, Silver Spring, Md.) *FAHRENHEIT 45*[1]: America's dystopian future is now! (Chris Doyle) [Mu]*TINY ON THE BOUNTY:* The story of a courageous leader who brings aid — rolls of it — to a disaster-struck island. (David Peckarsky) *MY FAIR LAD*[y]: Henry Higgins sings, "Why can't a woman be more like a man?" — then finds the real thing. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) [Off]*ICE SPACE:* Workers are frustrated when their boss keeps the AC set to 59 year-round. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) [Off]*ICE SPACE:* Bad: Life in a cubicle. Worse: Life in a cage. (Ben Aronin, Washington) *BAM*[bi]: The heroine is killed by a hunter with a bazooka. Running time: 11 minutes. (George Smith, Frederick, Md.; Gillian Smith, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) *BAM*[bi]: Documentary showing Emeril Lagasse making a Creole venison and rabbit stew. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *MY BLUE HEAVE*[n]: A man upchucks after taking too many Viagra pills. (Roy Ashley, Washington) [Star Wars: The Phan]*TOM MENACE:* The adventures of Dennis's mischievous great-great-great-great-grandson. (Edward Gordon, Austin) [S]*TAR WARS: Cigarette companies battle the nicotine overlord Darth Vaper. (Donna Roscoe, Olney, Md., a First Offender) *A HARD DAY'S NI*[ght]: The Beatles team up with the Monty Python gang in a madcap search for a shrubbery. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) [A]*LICE IN WONDERLAND*: A little girl regrets sharing a fedora with the Mad Hatter. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) [Trea]*SURE IS*[land]: Billy Bones directly answers the question "Is that where you buried your loot?" (Danielle Nowlin) [The] TEXAS CHAINSAW MASS*[acre]: Tired of parishioners dozing in the pews, a priest in Dallas decides to rev up the service. (William Pifer-Foote, Carmichael, Calif.) [Juras]*SIC WORLD:* The life of a copy editor tasked with reviewing Donald Trump's quotes. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *SLEEPLESS IN SEAT*[tle]: After missing his midnight connecting flight to O'Hare, a traveler hunkers down in the waiting area between One Direction and a Girl Scout troop. (Will Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio) [Pey]*TON PLACE: Sumo wrestlers gather to eat a few kilos of noodles and dish some post-match gossip. (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) Dja]*NGO UNCHAINED:* The Mercy Corps . . . goes to war. (David Peckarsky) /And Last: /[The P]*INK PANT*[her]: A bunch of losers wait breathlessly to see whether a newspaper will print their lame jokes. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) *Two contests still running — deadline for both is Monday night, April 15: *— Week 1325, jokes for the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner. See wapo.st/invite1325 . *— Week 1326, our annual horse name "breeding" contest. See wapo.st/invite1326. *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1328, published April 21, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1328: Hooked on 'classic': A sort of do-over This time, the stories to retell in another's voice don't have to be ancient(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // April 18 (Click here to skip down to the retelling of Bible stories and other tales by other "authors") *Chapter 10 of "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn," as told by Lou Reed:* Huckleberry came from St. Petersburg, M-O, Him and Jim just drifted with the flow, Wore a dress on the down-low, Jim said, honey, go, go, go, Said, hey, Huck, take a raft to the wild side . . . /— Frank Osen / Four weeks ago, the Empress asked the Loser Community to "tell or describe a Bible story, or another classical or folk tale . . . in the voice of a particular author or other person." And she got a lot of creative tellings of Testaments Old and New, Roman myths, fairy tales, nursery rhymes — the best of which you'll see in today's results. But there were also retellings of "Moby Dick," "Green Eggs and Ham," the Harry Potter series . . . clearly, the E should have specified "ancient tale" rather than a "classical" one; the term was taken, understandably, to mean a "classic" work, old or recent. But we're coming into making-lemonade season anyway, and it would be awful to toss such good stuff. So for Week 1328: Summarize a book or play by any author, or retell a scene (or even a moment) from one, in the style of some other person, as in the example above, which was an entry in the previous contest. As in Week 1324, we're looking for a paragraph, not a page. The entries could also be in verse. If an entry you sent for Week 1324 would fit Week 1328, you may send it again. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1328 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. In this week of reverence, we offer for second place a Spock prayer candle, a classic glass cylinder depicting the solemn Vulcan in front of a glowing halo, complete with a flaming Sacred Heart in front of his chest. Made in Texas and donated by the long-lived and prosperous Kevin Dopart. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 29; results published May 19 in print, May 16 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter this week's contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *QUIPTURE: RETOLD BIBLE STORIES & OTHER TALES FROM WEEK 1324* **As we note in this week's new contest, in Week 1324* the Empress asked for a Bible story or classical or folk tale retold in the style of some particular person. Lots of people imitated Heming-way, which proved not so easy. 4th place: *The Creation, as told by Garrison Keillor: "Well, it's been a quiet week in the formless void." (Roy Ashley, Washington) Isn't he sort of Jewish for this? The Spock prayer candle. (ILLUMINIDOL.COM) 3rd place: *The miracle at Cana (John 2:1-11), by Emily Dickinson:* I taste a liquor never brewed — But how, I do not know — I swear these urns held water — just A half an hour ago! You've saved the wedding, Nazarene — Had we but known your flair: We would have asked you — months ago — To — cater — the — affair! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) 2nd place /and "The Golfer's Prayer Book" : / *The Tortoise and the Hare, by Samuel Beckett: Hare: Shall we race? Tortoise: Yes, let's race. (The hare does not move) (Frank Mann, Washington) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *"Oedipus Rex," by Allan Sherman: *Goodbye Faddah, Hello Muddah, I slew one and wed the uddah, When my judgment got less hazy, I gouged out both my eyeballs and went crazy. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Burnt offerings: Honorable mentions *The Creation. by Eminem: Annoyed in the dearth of a void God unearthed and deployed from superior material a spherical miracle and thus this terrestrial ball called Earth was formed. All in a week's worth of time this sublime gold mine shined and in a nugget of time God worked; created celestial worlds and blessed it, then Day 7 in heaven He rested. Mic drop. Amen requested. (Will Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio) *The Creation of Eve, by Dashiell Hammett: Her legs didn't stop until they knocked my eyes out, and then there was more, but I didn't have any more eyes to be knocked out. "Hey, dumplin'," I said, "which garden are you from? 'Cause that rib looks familiar. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) *The Creation of Eve, by Jane Austen: The operation having been performed with little inconvenience to the gentleman, as he was accustomed to dozing upon a sofa when anything disagreeable might be going on, the woman was expertly sculpted from his rib-bone, displaying all the delicacy and loveliness one might expect in the female form. As she moved to stand before him with a lightness and alacrity in her step, the man woke abruptly and turned to observe her. He found her a good deal more than tolerable, and the two presently expressed a wish to be wed as speedily as propriety would allow. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) *Adam and Eve as told by Edgar Allan Poe:* In the Garden known as Eden, one without a single weed in, Grew a tree with a bad seed in: one who worked toward their downfall. "This is the lone Tree of Knowledge. Eat and know the truth — no college! Such a deal, you must acknowledge!" So they ate, quite in his thrall. God appeared. "That's it! Now get out! But before you pass the wall"¦" And He handed Eve Midol. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Adam and Eve, as analyzed by Robert Mueller: The investigation uncovered that Adam did meet with a snake, and fruit was consumed. The fruit was shared with Eve. Adam and Eve subsequently concluded that they were naked and hid. Through the course of the investigation, we can neither confirm or deny the snake informed any change of opinion. (Mary McNamara, Washington) *The Flood, by Marie Kondo:* God had seen that humanity no longer sparked joy and decided to do a little decluttering . . . (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Balaam's donkey, by Jeff Foxworthy:* The ass sees the angel right there and stops, so Balaam gets down and beats his ass. Right there in the middle of the road! I tell my kids this and they're like, "Daddy, you should read the Bible more often!" An ass /talking!/ I'll tell you, the last time I saw an ass talk was after three cans of Bush's Baked Beans. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *David and Goliath, by Dick Vitale: Goliath is a human spaceship, folks — a primetime player! At 3 cubits and a span, a true high-riser for the Philistines. And here comes David, trying to bring a W today for the Israelites — this kid might be a bench-warmer, but he's no knee-knocker. David lines up . . . slings the rock . . . OHHHHHHHHHHHHH BABY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! SLAM BAM JAM!" (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) *David and Goliath, by Napoleon Dynamite:* David is pretty much my favorite king. He had great skills, like slingshot skills, psalm-writing skills, stealthiness skills. But if it was me facing Goliath, I would've used a fricking 12-gauge. Gosh! (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.) *Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on the visit of the Magi: So these three rich guys saw a star. Yes, they were diverse, but ALL MEN! And they represented special interests: gold, obviously Wall Street; frankincense, the polluting fossil fuel industry; myrrh, death merchants of the funeral lobby profiting from climate change. Under the Green New Deal, they would have arrived not by air-fouling camels but by solar-powered sand vehicles. Under Medicare for All they would have not gone to a stable, but to a hospital. And under College for All the baby would grow up to be, not a carpenter or the Messiah, but Bernie Sanders. (William Joyner, Chapel Hill, N.C.) *The miracle at Cana, by wine critic Robert Parker: Starting with virtually nothing, this vintner has crafted a tawny, luscious merlot with overtones of frankincense and myrrh that will make a believer out of even the most jaded skeptic — simply divine! A solid 95. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *The first Easter, as told by local TV news: Jesus was found missing from his tomb today — but first, how to tell if your husband is watching porn on your home computer. (Roy Ashley) *The Trojan Horse, by Ogden Nash: The Trojans' gullibility could not have turned out worse. A shame they hadn't heard the sage advice passed down to me by my great-uncle Winthrop, namely: Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, and vice vers. (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) *The Odyssey, by Ernest Hemingway:* It was a long journey home. He was weary in a way that drinking and fishing could not fix. His dog saw him and died. (Dan Gibson-Reinemer, Alamosa, Colo., a First Offender) *The Emperor's New Clothes, by Donald Trump:* There was this emperor who was unbelievably popular. Many people say I'm even more popular, but this guy was close, okay? He decided he could walk naked down Fifth Avenue and no one would say a word. This one kid spoke up. He was a low-IQ loser. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) *Rumpelstiltskin, by Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Mr. Rumpelstiltskin has always been a dealmaker. And yes, he believes in the gold standard, once the foundation of this country. This purposeful misleading of the people by the media has to stop; it has never been the policy of Mr. Rumpelstiltskin to take children from their mothers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *The Pharaoh in Exodus, as told by Gilbert & Sullivan: I am the very model of a mean authoritarian, I rule quite iron-fisted my society agrarian. I minimize my labor costs by holding folks in slavery, Elicit lamentations with assorted acts of knavery. I bring on plagues where boils grow all over the extremities, Won't let the people go or offer any other remedies. It prob'ly would be wiser to relent and take up gardening; Perhaps I need a doctor, 'cause my heart is always hardening. My captives' living quarters sure aren't Doubletrees or Marriotts, But if they run away, I'll go right after them with chariots, And by the time I'm finished, all my army will be carrion; I am the very model of a mean authoritarian. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) ** Still running — deadline Monday, April 22: our perennial bank headline contest. See wapo.st/invite1327. *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1329, published April 28, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1329: Shakespeare + Thee: A tailgater contest Plus readers' jokes for the White House Correspondents' Association dinner One of two new Loser Magnets for honorable mentions, continuing the annual tradition we began in 2004. Bruce Carlson's "Too-Weak Notice" is from an earlier contest. The Empress will start sending these out in a few weeks. (Slogan by Bruce Carlson; illustrated and designed by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // April 25(Click here to skip down to the winning jokes for the White House Correspondents' Association dinner) *Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears! /(William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar")/ *My Bluetooth headphones haven't worked for years. /(Duncan Stevens) / *My bounty is as boundless as the sea.* /("Romeo and Juliet")/ *That's all the storm relief you'll get from me. — D.J.T, Washington /(Duncan Stevens)/ *Who will believe my verse, in time to come, /(Sonnet 17)/ *Was used for something so completely dumb?* /(Brian Allgar, Style Invitational Week 970) / They're called tailgaters: You choose a line from a famous poem, then write a second, rhyming line yourself. The Empress ran a tailgater contest back in Week 970 (2012) as well as one in Week 1171 (2016) in which the first line was from a song. Serious Recidivist Loser Duncan Stevens suggests a Bardic spinoff. This week: Select any line from a work by Shakespeare (poetry or prose) and pair it with your own line to create a humorous rhyming couplet,* as in the examples above. Your line may be either the first or second line in the tailgater (if it runs first, should we call it a hooder?). You may add or change punctuation at the end of a line. OpenSourceShakespeare.org has Will's whole output. Please include the name of the work that contains the line you're using. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1329 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pack of*Shakespearean Insult Gum * — a set of seven eensy-weensy book-shaped boxes, each containing two mini-gumballs and a different Shakespearean insult printed inside each box ("Bless me, what a fry of fornication is at the door," from "King Henry VIII"). Donated by Loser Nan Reiner in approximately 1612. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card." or quite possibly one of the new models. First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, May 6; results published May 26 in print, May 23 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Har Pressed" was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and William Kennard; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" the Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter this week's contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HAR PRESSED: JOKES FOR THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER* In Week 1325 we asked for jokes that might have been told at the April 27 White House Correspondents' Association dinner, had there been the usual comic roasting the president and guests. (President Trump refused to attend yet again.) The Empress got a big pile of one-liners — or whole-paragraphers — for this contest, but . . . let's say comedy is hard. 4th place: *So President Trump says he considered nominating Ivanka to head the World Bank,* said she's "very good with numbers." I don't know about that, but I know her dad is really good at division. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Our other 2019-20 magnet. The Empress will start sending these when the current supply runs out sometime in the next few weeks. They're currently being printed. (Magnet designed and drawn by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) 3rd place: *You know, I can't say people have become overly sensitive to everything that people used to find funny. I can't say it because I know someone will be offended. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 2nd place and the book "Collected Speeches of Spiro Agnew": *The president couldn't be here tonight because he's hard at work* in the Oval Office — there are a /lot/ of Democratic candidates who need childish nicknames. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: This week's apt second prize: 14 mini-gumballs, 7 insults. One thing you have to say about the president:*He's really an excellent golfer.* That's why so many people call him "Putts." (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) Mic droppings: Honorable mentions I heard Joe Biden was so upset when he heard allegations that Senator Klobuchar abused her staffers, he flew straight to Minnesota and gave them each a big, long hug. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *David Bernhardt and Andy Wheeler,* our new Interior and EPA chiefs, can't be with us tonight — they didn't want to miss the first day of drilling season at Yellowstone. (Allen Haywood, Washington, a First Offender) *We invited the CEO of Boeing* to be here tonight, but he said it was too far of a drive from Seattle. (Jerry Lugar, Hampton, Va., a First Offender) *Angela Merkel wants the E.U. to get along better with the Trump administration. So I hear she's thinking of assassinating her half brother , and threatening to nuke California. (Mark Raffman, Reston,Va.) *And is Joe Biden here? There you are. I hope you're okay with the seating arrangement, Joe. We had to make sure that all the people in front of you were guys. Bald guys. Bald guys without shoulders . (Neal Starkman, Seattle) So tonight, while we were eating, Mitch McConnell just confirmed* the entire young Republican club of Yale Law to lifetime judgeships. Congratulations, kids! (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) I see Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has achieved something rare* these days with her Green New Deal, and that's bipartisanship. Of course, it's bipartisan/opposition, /but still . . (Jeff Contompasis) This new Democratic Congress is serious about its green initiatives — *they plan to save 5,000 trees a month by sending all subpoenas to the White House electronically. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) The president couldn't be here tonight because he's on a tour of *Brazil, Argentina, and Chile*, or, as Fox News calls them, Mexico . (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Mar-a-Lago memberships* cost $200,000 plus $28,000 for two years' dues. That's steep, but it's cost us taxpayers 150 times that for President Trump to go there — and he owns the place. That's like paying a President Colonel Sanders $3,000 to get him a bucket of his own chicken! And that would cost us less, because the Colonel couldn't eat 29 Family Fill-ups every day. Not even Donald Trump can do that! (Connie Akers, Radford,Va.) Unfortunately, President Trump couldn't be here this evening; but he sends his regards. Really, he loves the White House correspondents — in fact, he worships the quicksand you walk on. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Congratulations to the*University of Virginia men's basketball team, *which just won the championship after last year's inexplicable, humiliating loss to an inferior opponent. Unfortunately, that's giving Hillary Clinton ideas. (Duncan Stevens) I'm not saying the president has it in for Speaker Pelosi, but he recently offered a new option for her government travel — a 737 Max. (Jeff Contompasis) You gotta love Fox News, always asking the president the really hard-hitting questions, you know, like what*his favorite animal is. Speaking of which, I'm gonna guess that he'd pick barnacles, because there are fine ones on boat sides. (Jesse Frankovich) *Security at Mar-a-Lago is so lax, seems they just let in a Chinese spy! No harm done, but the Russian spies no longer feel quite as special. (Mark Raffman) *Jeff Bezos will be coming late,* but I just got a text that he's nine stops away and will be here no later than 9 p.m. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, April 29: Our contest to retell a bit of literature as someone else would have written it. See wapo.st/invite1328 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1330, published May 5, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1330: Spinoff x Time Is Now = Grandfoals Week! 'Breed' any two of this week's winning foal names (including that one)(Bob Staake For The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // May 2 (Click here to skip down to the winning foal names) **The "breeding" in the headline above was an entry for Week 1326 by 25-time Loser Pete Morelewicz, who's a veteran of the second-round "grandfoal" contests that we've been running since 2006: This week: "Breed" any two of the 65 foal names that got ink this week, and name the offspring to reflect both parents' names, in the style of today's inking entries. As always, the names may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but one or more characters may be numerals, punctuation marks or other symbols. You may run words together, as in some of this week's results, but the name still should be easy to read. *Use the format "Name A x Name B = Grandfoal Name" (on one line per entry), and make sure you spell the "parents' '' names as they're spelled on this page. (Aw, sure, you can also use the name "Grandfoals Week.") Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1330 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an inexplicably extant Hasbro game called Toilet Trouble: The child puts some water (as in water-water, not "water") in the plastic mini-toilet, spins the spinner (in the shape of a roll of toilet paper) and flushes to sound effects, "but watch out . . . you might get sprayed!" I don't think Monopoly has to worry about losing market share. Donated by Loser Jeff Contompasis, who's never even tried it out. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card," or quite possibly one of the new models, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de)Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, May 13; results published June 2 in print, May 30 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Punning Mates" is by Chris Doyle; Dave Prevar wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" the Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter this week's contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *PUNNING MATES: WINNING FOALS FROM WEEK 1326 * **In*Week 1326 — for the 25th year running — we presented a list of horses that were nominated for this year's Triple Crown races and asked readers to "breed" any two and name the "foal." The Empress found hundreds of names to like among the 3,200 submitted, including such too frequent breedings as Don Vito Corleone x He's Smokin' Hot = The Bodfather. (See this week's Style Conversational for a hilarious list of "Godfather"-themed names.) /*First Offenders are marked with asterisks./ 4th place: You were expecting a blanket of roses? This week's second prize. *Easy Shot x Code of Honor = Can't, Miss (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station,Va.) 3rd place: *Castle Casanova x Maximum Security = Romeo in Joliet (*Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) 2nd place /and the Handerpants and dish gloves with faces : / *Kingly x Plug and Play = The Royal Wii* (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Improbable x Skywriting = WillYouDivorceMe?* (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) The stretch: Honorable mentions *Omaha Beach x Improbable = A Beach in Omaha (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Omaha Beach x Bodexpress = DD-Day* (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Seclusive x Roadster = A Vroom of Her Own* (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) *Roadster x He's Smokin Hot = Turbocharred (Diana Oertel, San Francisco) *Improbable x Spinoff = CSI: Sheboygan* (*Mike Phillips, Washington) *Sir Winston x Roadster = BloodSweat&Tires (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) *Game Winner x Cairo Cutie = AnferneeNCleopatra (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church,Va.) *Polar x Tacitus = Frosty the Roman (Duncan Stevens,Vienna, Va.) *He's Smokin Hot x By My Standards = <70, Has a Pulse* (*Michelle Christophorou, Guildford, Surrey, England) *By My Standards x Mr. Money = Buy My Standards* (John Winant, Annandale, Va.; Mark Raffman) *War of Will x Plus Que Parfait = Pretentious Op-Ed * (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) *Code of Honor x Dull Knife = Shivalry (Stephen Gilberg, Silver Spring, Md.; Dave Wyman, Ann Arbor, Mich.) *Code of Honor x Identifier = Barcode of Honor* (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) *Code of Honor x More Ice = Hamilton-Brrr (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) *Spinoff x Go Away = Laverne & Surly * (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.; John Hutchins) *Win Win Win x Shootin the Breeze = Wind Wind Wind* (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) *Win Win Win x Sly = Wink Wink Wink (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) *Win Win Win x Tax = Win Wi* (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia) *Haikal x Bodexpress = Lokal* (Mark Raffman) *Long Range Toddy x Admire = Long Range Toady (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Cutting Humor x Dull Knife = Old Saw* (Andrew Hatziyannis, Rockville, Md.) *Cutting Humor x Go Away = Roseanne Barred (John O'Byrne, Dublin) *Nitrous x Cutting Humor = Laughing Gash* (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Hidden Scroll x More Ice = Torah Ligament (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *Current x Country House = Ohm on the Range* (Pete Morelewicz) *Country House x Plug and Play = Mar-A-Lego* (J.Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) *Country House x Shootin the Breeze = Downton Blabby* (John Hutchins) *Wicked Indeed x Country House = Cruella de Villa* (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.; Jesse Frankovich) *Gray Magician x Identifier = Wizard of ID* (Bernard Brink) *One Bad Boy x Well Defined = Leroy Brawn (Kathy Hardis Fraeman) *Gray Magician x Trophy Chaser = Old Plaque Magic* (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria,Va.) *Master Fencer x Shootin the Breeze = F'Artagnan (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) *Blue Steel x Master Fencer = Indigo Montoya* (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.; Jesse Frankovich) *Plus Que Parfait x Final Jeopardy = Tense (*Katherine Carwile, College Station, Tex.) *Admire x Cairo Cutie = Arab Schwing (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *Admire x Mr. Money = Cult 45 (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) *Admire x Skywriting = Walk Into Traffic* (Jeff Loren, Seattle) *Comical Ghost x Incorrigible = Booey CK* (Lee Graham, Derwood, Md.) *Anothertwistafate x Bankit = ATM! ATM!* (Tim Watts, Great Falls,Va.) *Bourbon War x Curlaway = Hurlaway* (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) *Higgins x Cairo Cutie = My Pharaoh Lady (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; David Peckarsky, Tucson) *Castle Casanova x Van Beethoven = Brazen Overtures* (Jonathan Paul) *Sly x Coliseum = Yo, Hadrian! (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) *Exchequer x Comical Ghost = Taxin' Specter (Steve Price, New York) *Polar x Comical Ghost = Icy Dead People* (Larry Passar, Reston) *Go Away x Current = Buzz Off (*Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) *Wicked Indeed x Dull Knife = Mack the Spatula (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Easy Shot x Jeans n' Boots = Fish in Apparel* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Escaped x Dull Knife = El Choppo* (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) *Federal Case x Rotation = A Turny General* (Hildy Zampella) *Van Beethoven x Last Judgment = Dum-dum-dum-DOOM!* (Chris Doyle) *Outshine x Picasso = My Toddler's Art (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W. Va.) *Go Away x Olympic Runner = You Sayin' Bolt?* (Mary McNamara, Washington) *Polar x Go Away = Brrrrrexit* (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Mr Mike x He's Smokin Hot = Pence on Fire* (Craig Dykstra; Mark Raffman) *Higgins x My Legacy = Didlittle *(Laurie Brink) *Jeans n' Boots x Time Is Now = Carpe Denim* (Tom Witte. Montgomery Village, Md.) *Kingly x More Ice = Blingly* (Terry Reimer, Frederick, Md.) *Sir Winston x Family Biz = Churchill Dons (Bernard Brink, Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.) *Cutting Humor x Family Biz = I Got Inc.* (John O'Byrne) *Still running — deadline Monday night, May 6: our contest for Shakespeare "tailgater" couplets. See wapo.st/invite1329.* *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1331, published May 12, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1331: Paste imperfect — more fun with the paper Plus the winning bank headlines of Week 1327(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // May 9 (Click here to skip down to the winning bank headlines) *"It is discouraging to see a GHOST HAUNTING THE cluttered house with clothes on the bed or toiletries all over the bathroom vanities."// /(From a / /recent Post article / /on selling your home)/ *Publish a LoveNote in The Washington Post on Tuesday, February 14, and let them know you're [thin]*king of them.* /(Marty McCullen, Week 647)/ *Voters are serious about wanting to make sure that their legislators* [are focused on the right priorities] SHOW UP WAVING MONEY IN THEIR FACES.* * /(Peter Metrinko, Week 647) / As you might guess from this week's results, the Empress loves contests that send you searching through this newspaper, or even other people's newspapers. Here's one we did only one time before, back in 2006. Do you ever type something, start to change it, then get distracted and move text to the wrong place, or accidentally delete words? Here's your chance to do it for Unfabulous Prizes! This week:* Choose a headline or sentence from The Post or another publication, print or online, dated May 9-20, 2019. Then change that headline or other text by:* *A. Deleting up to 40 consecutive characters from it (put brackets around the deleted text); *B. Adding up to 40 consecutive characters /from the same article or ad/ *(write the additions in capital letters); or C. Both A and B, /as long as the added text goes at the end of your headline or sentence. / As in the examples above. Please include the date and page number from the paper or, if you have it, the URL of the Web page. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1331 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a lovely item crafted expressly as a Style Invitational prize by Fan but Not a Loser Janine Borofka of Frederick, Md.: It's a miniature basket crocheted entirely from tightly twisted Washington Post delivery bags of assorted colors. Big enough to hold one large apple, it would also make a very nice Loser Mug cozy. It even has little handles. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions might get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "We've Seen Better" or "IDiot Card," or possibly a new "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de)Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, May 20; results published June 9 in print, June 6 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Forge a Head" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . "Like" the Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter this week's contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *FORGE A HEAD: BANK HEADLINES FROM WEEK 1327* **In Week 1327, we once again asked readers to choose a headline from an article or ad in The Post or another publication that week and reinterpret it with a bank head, or subtitle. 4th place: /Headline: / Bikers support bullying victims /Bank head:** /'Those wimps deserve it,' they claim** /(William Collinge, Gettysburg, Pa.)/ Washington Post bags can be used for more than picking up dog poop, as demonstrated by their use as yarn for this handcrafted basket, this week's 2nd prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) 3rd place: /** / Second inmate who escaped jail is found* / / Oog of Mongolia left ancient cave-prison more than 4,000 years ago // /(Frank Mann, Washington) / 2nd place /and the Atlanta 'Barves' T-shirt :/ *Hoda Kotb welcomes baby number two!* 'I know it's weird but I love changing poopy diapers,' TV host says /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) / And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Easy ways to keep your home green without breaking the bank 1. Don't paint it another color /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / The bank-and-file: Honorable mentions *On Capitol Hill, some Trump officials are testifying for an audience of one 'Typical ratings for us,' says C-Span /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) / *Full moon yoga for Fitness Friday!* Instructor blames mishap on old workout leggings /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *Taliban announce spring offensive Sunshine, flowers deemed blasphemous /(John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)/ *Why it's so hard to keep conspiracy theorists off YouTube It's because YouTube is controlled by an Islamist/Soros/Hillary cabal determined to infiltrate our society /(Neal Starkman, Seattle) / *Missing man found safe and well Discovered money from one, water from the other/(Jesse Frankovich) / *N. Korea rejects Pompeo, asks for more 'mature' U.S. envoy* Officials irritated by secretary playing video games on phone at negotiating table /(Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) / *Thieves target used cooking grease* Restaurant owners lipid over slick crime, want perpetrators to fry /(David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)/ Grease heists can generate '$10,000 in a night' 24-hour guards ordered for Don Jr.'s comb/(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *Davis ends hitless streak in a big way First baseman finally punches heckler /(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) / *For the Impossible Whopper, consider the possibilities **'Biggest crowd ever,' 'total exoneration' spring to mind /(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) / *As support grows, Buttigieg officially joins race* 'Okay, you can put me down as Caucasian,' candidate affirms /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *Henderson County job fair* 'Eh, I've had better ones,' says zoning dept. worker /(Frank Osen)/ *Stone demands Mueller report, dismissal of indictment* Also demands ice cream with sprinkles at bedtime /(Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) / *Explore Our New Model// /(real estate ad)/ / /Fashion Show Invitation Angers #MeToo Activists /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / *Eight-foot alligator removed from Fort Myers home* Stunned wildlife officials gape at animal's four extra limbs /(Jesse Frankovich) / *Liberal Democrats hope small-dollar donations can sway more voters* 'Just bribing them with $5 at the polls might work best,' strategists say /(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.; Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)/ *How to do a dumbbell roll-out* The inside story of Herman Cain's nomination to Fed /(Frank Osen)/ *Columbus does it again, puts Tampa Bay on brink Spirit of genocidal white European returns to menace native Floridians/(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *Redress measure passes in GU vote Success of 'You're not wearing that, are you' referendum stuns Hoya students /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.; Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)/ *These Books Spark Joy* After electric shock, 'View' host Behar swears off Kindles /(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)/ *Cherry Blossom 10 Miler wasn't actually 10 miles* Also, blossoms were poison ivy /(Dave Zarrow, Reston) / *A Home That Worked for the Whole Family* 'We loved it,' says Suzanne Whole/(Chris Doyle) / *Company pulls electric bicycles* When batteries fail, seller offers a tow with tiny truck /(Frank Mann; Mark Raffman) / *Enjoy the outdoors all year!* Bank tries to put best face on foreclosures/(Mark Raffman)/ *Irving scores 37 as Boston goes up 2-0* His first 35 points are called back for interference /(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) / *Minnesota United loses seesaw battle, 4-3 'Maybe we should have played soccer instead,' coach says /(Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) / *Why your next new iPhone should be used* Never taking it out of the box decreases satisfaction, surveys show /(Frank Mann; Danielle Nowlin) / *Woods back on top of world Global warming sparks tree growth in Arctic /(Larry Carnahan, Peabody, Mass.)/ *Ford expects $1 billion from change at plant* Test drivers lost LOTS of coins in car seats, says CEO/(Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) / *Evans says he will stop outside consulting, legal work* Council member to switch to trusted insiders, illegal activities /(Sam Mertens) / *Our system hasn't buckled Which may be why our system's pants are falling down /(Gary Crockett) / *At Arena Stage, Ayad Akhtar's 'Junk' deserves a AAA rating* Playwright's form-fitting suit leaves little to imagination /(Brendan Beary) / *Beware of IRS scams Think twice if government help-line agent touts Cayman Island timeshare/(Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.)/ *France turns to task of restoring an icon of Paris* Crowdsourced funding to repair Brigitte Bardot's worsening face, reputation /(Kevin Dopart) / *Guy enters NBA draft //[player Kyle Guy] May be selected in round by team /(Gary Crockett) / *Total control in one spot where it truly matters* Older folks who hit the keg should also hit the Kegels/(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) / *How to value a pot stock* You simmered that chicken neck for hours, but is it better than canned? /(Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) / /And Last:/ In imperial China, the power of empresses* Unbridled authority set precedent for today's tyrannical rule, fickle judgments/(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) / *Still running — deadline Monday night, May 13: Our "grandfoals" wordplay contest. See wapo.st/invite1330 .* *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1332, published May 19, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1332: Call them Spellimericks Write a limerick that spells out a 5-letter word or name with the first letter of each line(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // May 16 (Click here to skip down to the winning Great Stories as told by other writers) *F*raud is rampant in voting, you know! *A*ll those turbines cause cancer to grow! *L*argest tax cut we've had! *S*pies were tracking me! Bad! *E*very migrant's a criminal foe! **Yes, we'll still have our annual Limerixicon in August. But this week the Empress was moved to add another limerick contest, approximately 1.78 seconds after reading the suggestion by Obsessive Loser Jesse Frankovich, complete with examples. *This week: Write a humorous limerick that's an acrostic: a pertinent five-letter word or name spelled out by the first letter of each line, as in Jesse's example above. Don't bother to use boldface or a special format to highlight the word you're spelling out; even the Empress can figure that out, and the entry form won't show it anyway. Please see*wapo.st/limericks-1332* for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell: "perfect" rhyme, and a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm in Lines 1, 2 and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; extra unaccented syllables on either side are fine. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1332 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a smaller, less unwieldy, but still alarming version of a prize we've given twice before: It's a ceramic mug in a rattlesnake motif,* with a little ceramic rattlesnake head hissing at you from inside. Donated as before by Not a Loser Mary Ellen Stroupe. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de)Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, May 27; results published June 16 in print, June 13 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Rewordsmiths" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational: *The Empress's online column returns in a couple of weeks. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *REWORDSMITHS: WINNERS FROM WEEK 1328* **In*Week 1328 we asked you to retell or summarize a book or play, or a scene from it, in the voice of someone else. The Empress was not shocked that many of the best entries honored the two most influ-ential writers in English: William Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss. 4th place: *Hamlet's soliloquy, as told by Dr. Seuss *Today there's a thing that I'm dying to know, A question that haunts me wherever I go: A person's a person, no matter how small, But is it worth being a person at all? With all the bad things in the world that I'm seeing, It may be that being is worse than NOT being. But nobody knows. There's the rub: we must dread That maybe it will not be fun to be dead, And hard as we find it to be a live person, Once we are gone all our problems may worsen. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) You only have to drink a few ounces of coffee before this mug will wake you up good. This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) 3rd place: *"A Tale of Two Cities," by Donald Trump* It was the best of times, it was the best of times, it was the greatest time you've ever seen, believe me, it was a beautiful time, it was really great, most people don't know this but it was the best of times, it was huge, not like those times that weren't so great, it was incredible, a lot of people are saying it was the best of times, except for the Fake News, but it was the best of times, NO COLLUSION! (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) 2nd place /and the Spock prayer candle : / "A Tale of Two Cities," by Ogden Nash:* It was the best of times, yet also not so hot, When lots of Bourbons got guillotined by the sans-culottes, Which technically means "without breeches," But at that point meant "a bunch of folks whose revolutionary zeal sort of overreaches," Led by Madame Defarge, Who ordered blood spilled like she was spreading a croissant with marge, Meaning plenty of martyrdom, so someone had to do the martyn', Namely Sydney Carton. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: **"Green Eggs and Ham," by William Shakespeare* *O friend! I prithee! Let us take a ride, For truly, sir, thy life is incomplete 'Til viridescent ovum thou hast tried Together with a slice of glaucous meat! O! Wouldst thou in a locomotive train? Perhaps aboard an airplane in the skies? Or wouldst thou in a boat upon the main? Thou shouldst! For 'tis a dish that thou wouldst prize! When travel I on land or sea or air, By any mode of transport I may go, However thou mayst urge this bill of fare, Wouldst sample I this dish? I tell thee no! I liketh not the egg of greenish hue, Nor care I for thy cut of proffered ham, So, verily, if to myself be true, I shall not eat thy dish, Sir Sam-I-Am. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Rewriter's block: Honorable mentions *Polonius's advice to Laertes in "Hamlet," by Donald Trump* Never a lender, but a borrower be! Let no man see thy purse's content, Claim it too exhaustive for any to comprehend. Give no man thy ear, but all thy voice; Allow no time for judgment, speak boldly beyond the point of vulgarity. Make thy name into a brand and brand into fortune By constantly proclaiming thyself and thy works great. This above all: regardless of fact, declare thy words true! (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Hamlet's soliloquy, by Dr. Seuss To be — or be not? — that's the thing that I ask, For when life gets so hard that to live is a task, And your luck is so bad that there's no way to win, There's an easy way out! You can do yourself in! But wait! Are you sure? Do you feel just a shred Of that dread in your head to be deader than dead? Could it be that self-killing is not right for you? (More a thought that you think than a thing that you do . . .) (Mark Raffman) *"Charlotte's Web" by Internet pioneer Tim Berners-Lee:* People will believe what you post on the Web. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *"2001: A Space Odyssey," as told by Cheech and Chong Dave: Open the pod bay doors, HAL. HAL: Who is it? Dave: It's Dave, man. Open up, I couldn't save Frank. HAL: Who is it? Dave: Dave. It's Dave, man! C'mon, I don't have my helmet with me. HAL: Dave? Dave: Yeah, Dave. HAL: Dave's not here, man. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) *Franz Kafka's "Metamorphosis" explained by Mister Rogers* Have you ever had a bad day? Gregor Samsa had a very bad day. He turned into a giant cockroach. He had six long legs and a thousand tiny eyes; Imagine what you could see with all those eyes! /One/ thing he could see was that his whole family didn't love him anymore because he was a disgusting insect. Would that make you sad? I know it would make /me/ sad. (Frank Mann, Washington) *"1984": In Room 101, O'Brien finally breaks Winston Smith's will, by Dave Barry Smith: Oh God, rats?! O'Brien: No, Miami cockroaches. Smith: I can handle bugs. O'Brien: But can you handle THIS?! (Music builds.) Smith: Not "Copacabana"! O'Brien: And "Mandy" up next! Smith: Stop! I'll LOVE Big Brother! O'Brien: "Big Brother and the Miami Cockroaches" would be a good name for a rock band. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) *The opening of Edward Bulwer-Lytton's ¨Paul Clifford,¨ as told by Peter Mark Roget* It was a crepuscular and tempestuous eventide . . . (Roy Ashley, Washington) *A Christmas Carol," by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez "But then the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come took Scrooge even further into the future, where he was revered for refusing to let his clerk burn coal . . ." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *"Macbeth," by Mother Goose* Lady Macbeth cried out for death, Her husband murdered Duncan, Planning to pin the bloody sin Upon his servants drunken. Noble Macduff, so brave and tough, Declared the false king must die. His weapon he drew, and cut him in two, And said, "What a good boy am I!" (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) *The Elements of Style (Strunk and White), by Emily Dickinson* A break in thought — a change of gears May make them grind — and clash — Use commas — or parentheses — Don't — overuse — the dash — (Duncan Stevens) *"Gone Girl," by Geico Faking your own murder, killing your ex-boyfriend, and using frozen sperm to get yourself pregnant so your husband won't turn you in? Surprising! What's not surprising? How much money you can save by switching to "¦ (Mark Raffman) *"The Scarlet Letter," as told by the writer of that annoying commercial for Head On : The Letter A — apply directly to the bosom! The Letter A — apply directly to the bosom!" (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) *Hamlet's soliloquy, by Joyce Kilmer I think that I should like to be. Or not. Which is it? Let me see. To die may be a welcome nap, But what if it's a painful trap? What if in that nap you dream Horrific things that make you scream? If death does not improve on life, There's no point falling on my knife. Life is lived by fools like me. But only God knows if to be. (Robert Schechter) *"Gone With the Wind" by Jerry Herman /( to the tune of "I Am What I Am" from "La Cage aux Folles")/ I don't give a damn I don't need you, Scarlett O'Hara You'll end up alone All on your own Crawling to Tara. You're scheming. You behave too boldly and too brashly. Dreaming of the day you wed your wimpy Ashley. Your life is a sham Frankly, my dear, I say, I don't give a damn! (Barbara Sarshik, McLean, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday, May 20: our contest to add or delete text from a sentence in the paper. See wapo.st/invite1331 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1333, published May 26, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1333: Check your (homo)phones Add to list In my list Invent a word that sounds like another word; plus the winning Shakespeare 'tailgaters'(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // May 23 (Click here to skip down to the winning Shakespeare "tailgaters") *Amfibian: A frog who, after you kiss him, remains a frog. /(Milo Sauer)/ *Boredello:* A brothel where everyone looks and acts exactly like your wife./(Dion Black)/ *Eyesickle: The coldest of stares. /(Michelle Stupak) / This week we repeat a contest that the Empress ran in 2009 and her predecessor, the Czar, did in 2002: Invent a homophone — a word that sounds the same as an existing word but is spelled differently — and define it, as in the examples from Week 849. What is "the same"? Isn't that "eye" in "eyesickle" a bit different from the "i" in "icicle? We rule (as that is what Empresses do) that it's close enough. Eye-I-ai! Speaking of quibbles: In both previous contests we referred to these words as homonyms — which they are, at least according to the Webster's New World and Merriam-Webster dictionaries. But "homonym" can also refer to a word that has totally different meanings with the same spelling, like pen (writing implement) and pen (pig holder). We don't want those. So here you are, purists: "homophones" it is. The previous headline "Homonymphomania" is hereby retired. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1333 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, perfectly apropos of this contest, a T-shirt depicting a "Dali Llama"* — a shaggy white llama with a big crazy Salvador Dali mustache. /Two / homophones! Donated at this month's Loser brunch by Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de)Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 3; results published June 23 in print, June 20 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; both Beverley Sharp and Jeff Contompasis submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. ***** The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *A BARD HAR DAY: WINNING SHAKESPEARE TAILGATERS* In Week 1329 we asked for Shakespeare "tailgaters" — rhyming couplets in which you pair a line from the Bard with one of your own. 4th place: *"Methinks no face so gracious is as mine"* (Sonnet 62) *Is my least successful pickup line.* (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) This week's second prize: a two-homophone T-shirt. 3rd place: *Assume a virtue, if you have it not: ("Hamlet") *"I am the smartest man this country's got."* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 2nd place and the Shakespearean Insult Gum : *That which hath made them drunk hath made me bold ("Macbeth") *Now watch this, if my beer thou wouldst but hold! (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *'Tis not the many oaths that makes the truth; ("All's Well That Ends Well") *"Believe me" often signifies fake newth.* (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) Avon culling: Honorable mentions *Be wise as thou art cruel; do not press* (Sonnet 140) *To ask if thou seem'st fat in thy new dress. (Larry Neal, McLean, Va.) *Is not my sorrow deep, having no bottom?* ("Titus Andronicus") *A surgeon botched my buttock lift last autumn.* (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *My bosom franchised and allegiance clear* ("Macbeth") *One-thirty K will make me disappear. — S. Daniels (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) *That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain* ("Hamlet") *And still enthrall a base of several mill'n.* (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *What's done cannot be undone. ("Macbeth") *Till 2021.* (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) *We'll yoke together, like a double shadow*. ("Henry VI, Part 3") *You watch Tucker Carlson; I'll watch Maddow.* (Chris Doyle) *"A mess of Russians left us but of late."* ("Love's Labour's Lost") (Don Jr. to his dad, Page 58) (Frank Osen) *And, being intercepted in your sport,* ("Titus Andronicus") *Is how the R**skins keep their season short*. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *As cannons overcharged with double cracks* ("Macbeth") *Is Boeing's 737 Max.* (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) *Come not between the dragon and his wrath: ("King Lear") *As "Game of Thrones" has shown, he'll kick your ath.* (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) *Do you think the Nats will win two games this week? (Clifford Fishman, Rockville, Md.) *Stones have been known to move, and trees to speak.* ("Macbeth") *She's knitted hats in corals, roses, pinks. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *The lady doth protest too much, methinks. ("Hamlet") *Get thee to a nunnery.* ("Hamlet") *You're having too much funnery. (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) *I* *sigh the lack of many a thing I sought:* (Sonnet 30) *My keys, phone, wallet, glasses, my last thought.* (Frank Osen) *Men at some times are masters of their fates ("Julius Caesar") *Unless they live in gerrymandered states.* (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) *No profit grows where is no pleasure ta'en,* ("The Taming of the Shrew") *So all our dishes come with extra ba'on.* (Chris Doyle) AdChoices ADVERTISING *O poor Orlando, thou art overthrown! ("As You Like It") *Now China's built the biggest theme park known. (Frank Osen) *One that loved not wisely but too well: ("Othello") *The mother of the Duggars, I'm Michelle*. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Against the stormy gusts of winter's day (Sonnet 13) *Trump found no shelter in the NDA.* (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) *Out damned spot! Out I say. ("Macbeth") You're loaded with my DNA.* (Bob McKenty, Matawan, N.J., a First Offender) *"The wise man knows himself to be a fool" ("As You Like It") *Seems something not taught at the Wharton School. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) *This day is called the feast of Crispian ("Henry V") *Perchance we fit a game of Frisbee in. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Those parts of thee that the world's eye doth view: (Sonnet 69) *You see, commando cartwheels just won't do. (Kevin Dopart) *So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,* (Sonnet 18) *Thy drunken Facebook pics will follow thee. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown* ("Henry IV, Part 2") *Especially when the Novocain wears down.* (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *If we should fail? We fail! ("Macbeth") *Mom says we'll still get into Yale. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *The time is out of joint. O cursed spite! ("Hamlet") *I dropped my Rolex in the loo last night. (Duncan Stevens) *This Duncan hath borne his faculties so meek ("Macbeth") *And still gets contest ink most every week. (Chris Doyle) *I have not slept one wink* ("Cymbeline") *And shan't till Empress grant me . . . zzzzzzzzz* (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) *Better a witty fool than a foolish wit, ("Twelfth Night") *But best to be both for the Style Invit. (Heather Spence, Arlington) *Most noble empress, you have heard of me?* ("Antony and Cleopatra") *I send stuff in, yet ne'er the crap I see. (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) *There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. ("Hamlet") *So you think about how this has a perfect meter and an awesome rhyme, okay? (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, May 27: our limerick-acrostic contest. See wapo.st/invite1332 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1334, published June 2, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1334: Mull 'er over — a search for collision Coin a phrase combining 2 words from the Mueller report. Plus this year's 'grandfoals.'(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // May 30 (Click here to skip down to the winning "grandfoals" /(The results have been updated to note that honorable-mention winners Sarah Gilberg, Richard Franklin and Julie Gaddy were First Offenders.)/ *Umbrella-challenged: Not only not knowing when to fold 'em, but HOW to fold 'em. *Dirt-dinner:* When the gossip is the meatiest, spiciest stuff at the table. Also known as 'sup-per. ** Santa-Bannon:* A right scuzzy old elf who says, "And to all a far right." The Empress, and the Czar before her, have called upon the Greater Loser Community to peruse various writings — from the works of Shakespeare to the local phone book — in the service of various silly word-stunts (and silly-word stunts). Now, at the suggestion of Loser Jon Gearhart, we invite you to curl up with the season's most-talked-about release (or mostly-release): "Report on the Investigation Into Russian Interference in the 2016 Election," by Marie Kondo. Oops, we mean Robert S. Mueller III. And except for a passel of redacted pages, it's all available online. *This week: Combine any two words, names, abbreviations, etc., from anywhere in the redacted Mueller report, into a two-word or hyphenated phrase and define it, as in the examples above. The Justice Department has posted the Mueller report online as a PDF at *justice.gov/storage/report.pdf . *The Post's faster-loading version is at wapo.st/mueller-report-twp ; don't use words that appear only in The Post's annotations. And by the way: There are promising words on practically every page of this thing; really, you don't/have/ to sift through all 400-some pages. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1334 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives what we now deem the collective noun of a CLAQUE of windup googly-eyed chattering teeth;* when you start up all three at once, they rival the tone of a political debate except for mercifully stopping a few seconds later. Sent from Missouri by Loser J. Larry Schott. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de)Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 10; results published June 30 in print, June 27 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jon Gearhart; Jon also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. ***** The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *JOCKEYLARITY: WINNING GRANDFOALS FROM WEEK 1330* ** Week 1330* featured the "foals" in our "breeding" contest to play on any two names among 100 Triple Crown nominees. Now here are the "grandfoals" produced by breeding those 65 foal names, the cream of 1,996 entries. Puns on puns! 4th place: *WillYouDivorceMe? x Mack the Spatula = Ex Over Easy* (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) The chattering class: This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) 3rd place: *Pence on Fire x Brazen Overtures = Let's Have Lunch* (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) 2nd place and the game Toilet Trouble : *Cruella de Villa x Pretentious Op-Ed = 101 Dull Mentions (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *El Choppo x Can't, Miss = El Floppo* (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) The pit of dissed pair: Honorable mentions *A Turny General x Old Saw = Snit Happens* (John Winant, Annandale, Va.) *A Turny General x Leroy Brawn = Benedict Ahnold* (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) *A Turny General x El Choppo = Redacted* (Kristin Braly, Baltimore) *<70, Has a Pulse x Mack the Spatula = Middle-Age Spread (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) *<70, Has a Pulse x Walk Into Traffic = <70* (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) **Old Saw x DD-Day = Hew Hefner* (Amy Lane, Annapolis, Md., a First Offender) *Arab Schwing x Didlittle = No Harem Done* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Arab Schwing x Laughing Gash = Dana Carved Me* (Roy Ashley, Washington) *ATM! ATM! x Old Plaque Magic = Cash and Caries* (Chris Doyle) *ATM! ATM! x Tense = PINs and Needles (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.; Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.) *ATM! ATM! x Torah Ligament = Funds N' Moses* (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *ATM! ATM! x The Royal Wii = PINtendo (Frank Mann, Washington) *Barcode of Honor x Brazen Overtures = ReSKU Me!* (Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md.) *Blingly x Can't, Miss = Jewel of Denial (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Blingly x Leroy Brawn = Gem Croce* (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.; Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *BloodSweat&Tires x Booey CK = Spinning Heel (Rob Huffman) *BloodSweat&Tires x Hurlaway = And When I Diet (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) *BloodSweat&Tires x Laverne & Surly = 5 Bad Dwarf Names* (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Booey CK x Frosty the Roman = Ghost Hoary* (David Peckarsky, Tucson) *Brazen Overtures x A Vroom of Her Own = Woolf Whistles* (Chris Doyle) *Brrrrrexit x You Sayin' Bolt? = I'm Sayin' Screwed (Jonathan Paul) *Buy My Standards x Wink Wink Wink = Mink Mink Mink (Mike Phillips, Washington) *Buzz Off x Lokal = Liteyear* (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) *Buzz Off x Torah Ligament = I'll Be Sinew (Duncan Stevens) *Churchill Dons x Cruella de Villa = Churchill Dommes (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) *Cruella de Villa x Mar-A-Lego = 101 Doll Mansions (John Hutchins) *CSI: Sheboygan x Walk Into Traffic = Don't Wisc. It! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) *Cult 45 x Didlittle = Golfedmuch* (Laurie Brink) *DD-Day x Romeo in Joliet = Bustin' Out* (Laurel Gainor, Manassas, Va.) *Didlittle x Brazen Overtures = Placebo Domingo* (Pam Sweeney) *Didlittle x Laverne & Surly = Talk to the Animus (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Downton Blabby x Walk Into Traffic = Blabbey Road (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *El Choppo x Frosty the Roman = Cato the Gelder (Chris Doyle) *Fish in Apparel x Frosty the Roman = Scales of Just Ice* (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) *Grandfoals Week x F'Artagnan = Bred & Butt Air* (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) *Hamilton-Brrr x Brrrrrexit = Hamilton-* (Warren Tanabe) *Hamilton-Brrr x Shivalry = Shiverly* (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Hurlaway x Ohm on the Range = Urpin' Cowboy* (Duncan Stevens) *Hurlaway x Ohm on the Range = VoMIT* (Frank Mann) *I Got Inc. x WillYouDivorceMe? = You Got Inc.* (Eric Nelkin) *Icy Dead People x Frosty the Roman = Julius Freezer (Julie Gaddy, New Market, Md., a First Offender) *Laughing Gash x Shivalry = Mock the Knife (Becky Fisher, Madison, Wis.) *Laverne & Surly x A Turny General = Penny Martial* (Laurie Brink; Roy Ashley) *Laverne & Surly x Buzz Off = Milwaukee Booers* (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) *Lokal x Booey CK = Diet and Exorcise (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *My Pharaoh Lady x Hamilton-Brrr = TombWhereItHappend (Rob Wolf) *My Pharaoh Lady x Hurlaway = Thoth Your Cookies* (Jonathan Paul) *My Toddler's Art x Cruella de Villa = Crayola de Villa (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Old Plaque Magic x Cult 45 = Truth Decay* (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.; Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) *Old Plaque Magic x My Pharaoh Lady = Old Plague Magic* (Mark Raffman) *Pence on Fire x Cult 45 = AMENdacity* (Frank Mann) *Pretentious Op-Ed x The Royal Wii = Super Silly? Us?* (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) *Romeo in Joliet x DD-Day = Jailhouse Rack* (Harold Mantle) *Romeo in Joliet x Dum-dum-dum-DOOM! = Cell Dum Is Heard* (Frank Osen) *Romeo in Joliet x The Royal Wii = Jailhouse Roku (Harold Mantle) *Romeo in Joliet x The Royal Wii = Romeo in Toliet* (Gregory Koch, Falls Church) *Torah Ligament x F'Artagnan = Tooteronomy (Steve Honley, Washington) *WillYouDivorceMe? x Can't, Miss = We're Not Married* (Sarah Gilberg, Washington, a First Offender; Pam Sweeney) *Wind Wind Wind x Cult 45 = Coal! Coal! Coal!* (Mark Raffman) *Wind Wind Wind x Wink Wink Wink = It Was the Dog* (Bernard Brink) *Wink Wink Wink x Pretentious Op-Ed = Wonk Wonk Wonk (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) *Still running — deadline Monday night, June 3: Our contest for new words that sound like existing words. See wapo.st/invite1333 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1335, published June 9, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1335: Put it in Bee-verse! Or . . . Write a short poem — or a Q-A joke — using a National Spelling Bee word(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // June 6 (Click here to skip down to the winning cut-and-paste entries) A stratospheric butte formed by orthographic perfection eight times over: This year's "octochamps" each picked up $50,000 in the Scripps National Spelling Bee by clearing round after round flawlessly, as the words became progressively wha??? — until the bee declared them all winners after Round 20. "ƒEvery year the critics come out, complaining that the kids wasted sooo much time and effort and money to memorize words they'll never use. Oh yeah? The whizzes can come right over here. *This week: Write a humorous poem of eight lines or fewer that includes at least one of the words used in Round 9 or later* of this year's bee. *OR: Write a joke in Q&A form that uses at least one of the words.* The complete set of spelling bee words is at*wapo.st/spellingbee2019 . But if you don't want to wade through all those words, then use one of the following 20. (These pronunciations and brief definitions were adapted from those at Merriam-Webster.com . If you find an alternative pronunciation or meaning listed online, you may use that if you include a link to that listing with your entry.) *auslaut /(owss-lout, rhymes with "out"):/ The final sound in a word or syllable *badderlocks /(takes a singular verb): / A large brownish-black seaweed eaten as a vegetable in Europe *bougainvillea /(boogan-VILL-ya or boogan-VEE-a):/ A tropical American vine or shrub with bright purple or red flowers ** calathos /(CAL-a-thahss, rhymes with "toss"):/ In ancient Egyptian and Greek art, a fruit basket worn on the head as a symbol of fruitfulness *cernuous /(sern-u-ous):/ Describing a pendulous or drooping plant *chocalho /(shu-KYE-yu): / Merriam-Webster describes this Brazilian rhythm instrument as a rattling gourd, like a maraca, but YouTube videos show that the term is now used for a sort of tambourine on a flat rectangular frame *Cytherean /(sith-a-REE-an):/ Relating to the planet Venus *jacqueminot l /(jock-mi-NO):/ Raspberry red *mondegreen /(MON-de-green):/ A phrase, especially in a song, that results from mishearing the real words, such as "the girl with colitis goes by" instead of "the girl with kaleidoscope eyes" *murrain /(MUR-ren):/ An archaic word for a disease afflicting livestock; some Bible translations say murrain attacked cattle in the Fifth Plague in the Book of Exodus *odylic /(OH-de-lic):/ Referring to /od, / a word coined in the 19th century for a hypothetical power once thought to pervade nature and account for various phenomena, such as magnetism. [From Oxford Living Dictionaries] *omphalopsychite /(AHM-phal-o-psy-kite/ or /ahm-pha-LOP-si-kite/): one who stares fixedly at one's navel to induce a mystical trance *palama /(PAL-ama):/ The webbing on the feet of aquatic birds *passepied /(pahss-p'YAY):/ A French courtly dance of the 17th and 18th centuries, similar to a fast minuet *pendeloque /(PON-de-lawk), /a pear-cut diamond, or a diamond-shaped crystal in a chandelier, etc. *rhathymia /(ra-THIGH-mia): / The state of being lighthearted or carefree *taurokathapsia /(TAW-ra-ka-THAP-sia): / An ancient Cretan sport in which a performer grasps the horns of a bull and somersaults over him *tettigoniid (TET-i-GON-i-id): An insect in the family of long-horned grasshoppers *therblig (THER-blig): An individual element involved in completing a mangual task, such as "search," "find," "select,"; the backward (mostly) spelling of Gilbreth, the motion study pioneer immortalized in the book "Cheaper by the Dozen." *urfirnis* /(oor-furnace):/ A lustrous paint or glaze found on prehistoric Greek pottery At least for the poems, you must use the word with its real meaning and pronunciation; you can't pretend that it's something else. You may use a slightly different form of the word, such as a plural, adding "-ing," etc. You may add a title, and the word might appear only in the title.** Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1335 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Bacon Odor Two-Pack: a bar of bacon-scented soap plus a bacon-smell car air "freshener." Both donated ages ago by Loser Pie Snelson. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de)Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 17; results published July 7 in print, July 3 (Wednesday) online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *DELETES WE CAN DO: CUT & PASTE FROM WEEK 1331* In*Week 1331 the Empress asked you to find some article in any publication that week, then "accidentally" cut a small block of text from a sentence or headline and/or paste some text from elsewhere in the same article. In the entries below, the cuts are struck out or, if they're a very few letters, set off in brackets so the deletion is clearer; the pastes are in italics. *First a note:* With EIGHT entries published this week, Jesse Frankovich — a sort of James Holzhauer of The Style Invitational — has scored his 500th blot of ink (and more), almost all of it in less than four years, thus rocketing himself into the Invite Hall of Fame. See an interview with Jesse in this week's Style Conversational at wapo.st/conv1335 . 4th place: Mr. Inkredible: It took him about 15 minutes — well, less than four years, once he got going — for Jesse Frankovich to hit the 500-blot mark. *Trump to unveil plan to move immigration toward 'me*[rit]**-based' system*.* (David Peckarsky, Tucson) 3rd place: *Big*[fo]*ot sightings have been described in areas across Alabama.* (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) 2nd place and thebasket crocheted from Post delivery bags : *Amazon's founder, Jeff Bezos, owns The Washington Post /every American between ages 18 and 64. / (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Our devices steal our attention. We need to* take it back /DING./ (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Hon /Depl/orable mentions: *Paint it black and add spikes, president advises engineers of his* border wall /White House/ (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Paint it black and add spikes, president advises engineers of his border wall /head/ (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *"I with my Republican colleagues always want to be supportive of the most cons* ervative candidate who can actually win a race."* (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Celebrate every type of* /tart, tangy, salty / mom this Mother's Day with these 7 special recipes (Michelle Christophorou, Guildford, England) *Filings reveal justices' bit* ter rift on death penal ty /members/ (Duncan Stevens) *With fewer 'hard [p]*asses,' will it be harder to cover White House?* (Gary Crockett; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *A guide to 20 inquiries Trump and his [al]*lies are working to impede* (Kevin Dopart) *Amazon Now Has Machines to Automatically Bo* /lli/ x Up Orders* (Jesse Frankovich) *As high court overturns 40-year-old ruling, some justices ask what's* next /the Constitution/ (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) *D* rug addicti on is broadly defined as a disease that needs cleansing of the mind, body, and soul.* (Jesse Frankovich) *Decorating on a budget, bit by bit? Here's what these designers would do. /Plug-in dimmers./ (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) *Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner's /Weiner's scandalous saga started in 2011. / (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *House passes measure to block* ACA waivers to states /a faint glimmer of potential cooperation / (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *Far* mers marke ts booming on Vancouver Island* (Jesse Frankovich) *Fox unveils 'insanely simple' business model /host for prime time slot / (Dinah Rokach, Silver Spring, Md.) *He laughed when Martinez t*[e]*ased him for being a Yankees fan.* (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) *House passes disaster relief bill despite Trump's opposition to* funding for Puerto Rico /American values/] (David Peckarsky) *Keanu Reeves' Impressive Skill Set Takes Centre Stage in John* Wick 3 (Jesse Frankovich) *National ser vice can bring us together as a nation (Michelle Christoforou) *She brought her business background to the task: research, resources, problem-solving,* /kicking and screaming./ (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *This 'swimsuit season' remember* that values t rump appearance* (Jeff Contompasis) *Trump takes over Fourth of July celebration, changing its location and inserting himself into the program /portable toilets / (Michelle Christophorou) *But two of the top House Republicans on Sunday criticized her use of the phrase "calming feeling," falsely accusing her of using the phrase to describe her views about the Holocaust itself /top House Republicans. / (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) *Calif. to ban a pesticide, citing effects on infants:* /"Utter failure." /(Duncan Stevens) *Butt* igieg likens Trump's tweets to 'grotesque things' (Ben Aronin, Washington) [Pl]*ant-based Whopper could make orders impossible for small restaurants (Frank Mann, Washington) *U.S. tourism to Cuba doubles after Trump's 'full and complete e*[mbar]*go' threats* (Jesse Frankovich) *We believe our country has a mor* al obligati on to protect public health and our environment.* (Jesse Frankovich) *We need good* /er/ English teachers (Jesse Frankovich) *Still running — deadline Monday night, June 10: Our contest to make a new phrase from two words in the Mueller report. See wapo.st/invite1334 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1336, published June 16, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1336: Two ways about it — a double-entendre contest Plus the winning acrostic limericks — and yes, a few spell out T-R-U ...(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // June 13 (Click here to skip down to the winning acrostic limericks) /What's something that could be said both among Style Invitational Losers* and*in bed? / *"That's okay, there's always next week." (Ward Kay) *"That's the funniest thing I've ever seen!"* (Jesse Frankovich) *"You'd better hurry up — the deadline is midnight Monday."* (Elden Carnahan) *"I like it best with the horses."* (Michelle Stupak) *"Not bad, but you're no Jesse Frankovich."* (Jesse Frankovich) This week's contest was suggested by Loser Alex Blackwood, who helps the Empress out enormously in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook as co-admin. Alex posited the question above to the Devotees a few days ago, generating a long string of double-entendres including the ones above. Which got her thinking: What if we made a mix-and-match contest with a bunch of other situations as well? This week: What's something (printable) you could say in /two/ — or more — of these situations: *"—In bed* *"—On a game show* *"—At the supermarket* *"—During a haircut* *"—At a restaurant* *"—At Ikea* *"—At a doctor's office* *"—In a job interview* *"—When Donald Trump visits your country* *"—Among Style Invitational Losers* * Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1336 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Loser Personal Care Three-Pack,* featuring a trio of perfectly normal toiletries with perfectly Loserly juvenile names: Boudreaux's Butt Paste, which is plain old zinc oxide rash ointment; Anti Monkey Butt, which is talcum powder and some calamine; and Moco de Gorila, or Gorilla Snot, which is of course hair gel. The Snot was donated by Valerie Holt; Elden Carnahan offered up the other two. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de)Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 24; results published July 14 in print, July 11 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Jesse Frankovich; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HA FIVES: ACROSTIC LIMERICKS FROM WEEK 1332* **Whoa,*Week 1332 proved more daunting than I'd expected; writing limericks that are both flawless and funny is hard enough — and then there was the extra challenge that they be acrostics: that the first letter of each line spelled out a pertinent word or name. But you know: the Losers. They're good. 4th place: Also known as rash ointment, talcum powder and hair gel: This week's second prize. *P*ut his principles off to the side; *E*nthused, he accepted the ride. *N*o big deal that the Don *C*heats and lies — I'll still fawn!" *E*mbarrassing, dude. Have some pride. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: *T*o the White House: good day from Block C! *R*eally loving Cell 143, *U*ndisturbed and at ease, *M*y . . . achoo! Did I sneeze? *P*ardon me, Mr. Prez, pardon me. — P. Manafort, U.S. Penitentiary (Duncan Stevens) 2nd place and themug with a ceramic rattlesnake head inside : *T*here now is a man (you know who) *W*ho pours out his heart on the loo *E*ach grudge he has held — *E*mphatic, misspelled — *T*he musings of Whiny the Pooh. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *C*ory B., Kirsten G., Harris, more: *R*yan, Sanders, in all twenty-four! *O*'Rourke, Warren, Biden, *W*ill the field even widen? . . . *D*on't DARE, Hillary. Nope. Yeah, we're sure. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) 'Rick pshaws: Honorable mentions *T*o the Prez: May I come by for tea? *R*ight there in the White House we'll be; *U*ndisturbed, we will savor *M*ugs of brew . . . hmmm, what flavor? *P*each and mint would be perfect for me. — E. Warren, U.S. Senate (Duncan Stevens) *B*aseball fans and the sport's cognoscenti *R*eally thought he already made plenty. *Y*et he signed with the Phils — C*lose to 300 mills — *E*ven though he is hitting .220. (Dave Zarrow, Reston; since this was written, Harper is back up to .251) *D*isqualified! My life's ambition — *E*questrian race competition — *R*uined now: went astray, *B*umped a pal; now they say: *Y*our next Derby is tagged "Demolition." — Maximum Security, Stable B (Duncan Stevens) *B*ody language? I read it like Braille, *I*'ll just nuzzle your hair and inhale. *D*onald's term has been strange, *E*nd it now, make a change! *N*ominate me — old handsy white male. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *A POTUS with all the right stuff! *H*ow on earth can we praise him enough? *O*h, what a rare bird! *L*et's now find a word *E*voking him . . . /that's/ not so tough. (Brian Allgar, Paris) *P*ush the button and watch him say "YES!" *E*very "Donald" begins with "God bless." *N*ot a robot, but wired *'C*ause he knows what's required:* E*ating up all the president's mess. (Frank Mann, Washington) *N*o-nonsense Pelosi is known *A*s the one who makes Trump look half-grown. *N*ancy sets him down hard, *C*atching Donnie off guard. *Y*ou can tell she's had kids of her own. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) *"N*orth Korea is now our good friend! *U*gly threats are no longer the trend. *K*im Jong Un (have you heard?) *E*ven gave me his word, *S*o I'm /sure/ all that testing will end." — D.T. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *C*ome and join me for dinner today! *H*ave a lobster, foie gras, a filet! *E*ven though it's a date — *A*nd it's gonna be great! — *P*erhaps you could offer to pay? (Beverley Sharp) *G*osh darnit, Excel closed the sheet *A*nd then froze. Once again I repeat *T*he third-finger salute, *E*nd a task, and reboot. *S*ick and tired of CTRL-ALT-DEL. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *I* can speak out, but nobody hears *O*nly cornstalks (because they have ears) *W*hoa, it's pols without end! *A*nd each one my best friend. *N*o, really! Well, every four years. (Gary Crockett) *F*ound on beach making sculptures obscene; *L*aundered cash in a washing machine; *M*ade some meth, stole a boat, *A*te his ex-wife's pet goat; *N*ow in prison for 10 to 15. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *L*et others seek Pulitzer Prizes; *O*ur aim, for which each of us vies, is *S*ome new blots of ink — *E*mpress says we don't stink! — *R*ejoicing in crap she supplies us. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) *P*at possesses a sizable case *R*ich in trinkets that reek of disgrace. *I*f you don't have enough *Z*ero-usefulness stuff, *E*nter something that takes second place! (Jesse Frankovich) *S*o I think I might know how to rhyme *T*errifically clever this time *Y*et it stalls about here — *L*assitude, dude — it's clear: *E*veryone's better than I'm. (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) *M*ay her praises be intergalactic; *Y*es, extol her in phrases didactic! *E*ndless kudos proclaim, *R*aise her glorious name! *S*ucking up is my favorite tactic. (David Schildkret, Chandler, Ariz.) /And last: / R*eally /tough/ Invitational week: *H*alf acrostic, half limerick — eek! *Y*et I'll take on this onus *M*eta theme: "And Last" bonus? *E*mpress, see how I followed all rules? (Hildy Zampella) *Still running — deadline Monday night, June 17: our contest for poems based on words in this year's National Spelling Bee. See wapo.st/invite1335. *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1337, published June 23, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1337: Lidder us this — riddles with anagrams Plus 'no-it-all' and other winning homophones(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // June 20 (Click here to skip down to the winning neologisms that are homophones of real words) *Q. What famed institution in Hamelin, Germany, teaches the skills of the Pied Piper? *A.* The High School of Music and Rats. * *Q. What's the name of the dullest metal band ever? A. Motley Ecru. This week's contest was the sudden brainchild of Child Brain Gene Weingarten, who just a few days ago sent two urgent emails to the Empress with the examples above. And opposed to some of our recent contests, the concept is simple: Write a Q-A joke (or A followed by Q, if you're into "Jeopardy!") in which the punchline contains an anagram of one or more relevant words or names, as in those examples by Gene — who, in case you didn't know, originated The Style Invitational and lorded over it with no byline for a decade until the E, then also anonymous, deposed him in Week 536 so he could go win Pulitzer Prizes and stuff. You may anagram multiple words, and your anagram may consist of multiple words. Note: For the joke to work, the reader is going to have to recognize which original word(s) you've anagrammed; we're not going to explain the entry to death. * Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1337 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a prize that was donated to the Invite so long ago that it's almost as old as its subject: It's an*Alexander the Great action figure,* complete with helmet and sword, and brand-new as long as you'll use that term for something that Russell Beland, then the Invite's highest-scoring Loser, gave us around 15 years ago. Complete with lots of factoids on the back of the molded packaging ("In battle, he always led from the front; rumored to be under 5 feet tall"), *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de)Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 1; results published July 21 in print, July 18 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Mark Raffman; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *NOW HERE THIS! HOMOPHONES FROM WEEK 1333* **In Week 1333 we asked you to create a homophone — a sound-alike — of an existing word or name. The Empress was fairly generous on what counted as "alike," but still wasn't going with, say, "Germ Annie" for Germany. 4th place: *Mnuchiae:* Trivial expenses, like a $15,000 flight from New York to D.C. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) For an anagram contest, should we call this week's 2nd prize Alexander Rag Teeth? 3rd place: *Sain't: Sinner. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 2nd place and the 2-homophone "Dali Llama" T-shirt : *SerPhDom:* Trying to eke out a living as an adjunct professor. (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Diss, cuss: The current state of our national discourse. (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) Sound-eh-likes: Honorable mentions *Altarcation:* What ensues when "the bride says "I do" and the groom says: "Uhhh . . . " (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Barbiequeue:* A lineup of potential contestants for "The Bachelor" (Eva Monastersky, Mountain View, Calif., a First Offender) *Independunce Day: "And I'll have fireworks behind me as I give my speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial!" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Reprodeuce:* To have twins. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *No-it-all:* A 2-year-old. (Pete Morelewicz) *Indescribabble:* Covfefe. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) *Barr code:* "I will support and defend the President of the United States against all enemies, real and imagined." (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Barrney:* "I love you, you love me, I will lie as your AG . . ." (Duncan Stevens) *Adoltery: To give your paramour your landline number. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) *Anglofile:* A portfolio of Trump appointees. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) *Asfault: A pothole. (Bob Kruger) *Bern out:* Part with your last $27. (Bob Clifford, Brookeville, Md.) *Buyble:* The holy book of the "Prosperity Gospel": "Blessed are the moneymakers." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) *Buygones:* Those you've gotten rid of with hush money. You hope. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) *Catasstrophe:* Let's say that Fluffy was not quite cooperative in having his temperature taken. (Dan Gibson-Reinemer, Alamoso, Colo.) *Catastrofee:* You neglected to read the fine print when booking your "all-inclusive" vacation. (Maggie Haring, Leesburg, Va.) *Cemetarry:* To wait. Forever. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *Chatowe: Mortgaged Manor. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md., a First Offender) *Crewedly: How the losing boat was sailed in the regatta, (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) *Cursery: Short on substance, long on name-calling. (Jeff Loren, Seattle) *Dairy air: How you know if someone is lactose-intolerant. (Steve McClemons, Arlington, Va.) *Dear crossing: A hazard in spousal discourse. (Bill FitzPatrick, Rochester, N.Y.) *Dietribe: What fashion models have to listen to after gaining two pounds. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Dineosaurs:* Those who still eat at Howard Johnson's. (Tommy Thompson, Richmond, a First Offender) *Doo diligence: Always picking up after the pup. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Exersize:* The weight you get up to before deciding to do something about it. (Barbara Turner) *Fidouchiary:* My brother-in-law, the "financial planner." (Lee Graham, Derwood, Md.) *Furn-itchure:* "You've got bedbugs!" (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) *Ghastley: What it feels like to be rickrolled. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Ghoulash:* That undead casserole at the back of the refrigerator. (Frank Osen) *Gnulyweds:* Beauty and the Beast. (Ray Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) *Goldilox: The perfect, not too salty or unsalty, but just right, topping for your bagel. (Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.) *Gold meddlist: A champion kibitzer. (Jeff Contompasis) *Hideaweigh:* Spanx. (Pete Morelewicz) *Holzhour:* For quite a while,7:30 every weeknight on Channel 7. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) *Home moaner:* Recipient of a $4,000 bill to fix the AC. (Duncan Stevens) *Kinderguardin':* Where tykes practice their ABCs, their 1-2-3s and their active-shooter responses. In other words, kindergarten. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Massagynist: Someone who thinks he can rub a woman's shoulders without her consent. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) *Mixed Marshall arts:* Eminem albums. (Jesse Frankovich) *Nightmayor:* Dream in which a younger, smarter, better-looking candidate and his husband come to occupy the White House. — D.J.T. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Ownanism:* Retail therapy. (Duncan Stevens) *Phart: A phone call where something smells funny, like as an "IRS agent" asking for your bank account number. (Ben Aronin, Washington) *Philisteen:* A young person who listens to crude, junky music, unlike the vastly superior music from when I was their age. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) *Pistil-whip:* Administer a very mild punishment. (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) *Plaiditude: A hoary maxim about Scots, like "Kilt is what happened to the last person who called it a skirt." (Becky Fisher, Madison, Wis.) *Pursenal space:* Don't /ever/ go into a woman's handbag without asking. (Hildy Zampella) *Rapid aye movement:* What Trump demands from his aides. (Chris Doyle) *RKOlogy: The search for ancient movie reels. (Steve Fahey) *Rudementary:* Prone to casting juvenile insults, like calling people "loser" or "little." (Bob Kruger) *Secs:* A quickie (George Smith, Frederick, Md.) *Sinopsis: What I tell the priest at confession so as not to take all day. (Jonathan Jensen) *Slight of hand:* The President's glove size. (Gary Crockett) *Talegater:* Someone who's always responding to your anecdote with a better one of her own. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Worsetoshear:* Why they regret breeding longhaired sheep in England's Midlands. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) *LOL-lessness: What's wrong with my non-inking Invite entries. (Jesse Frankovich) *Stalinvitational:* A humor contest in which the losers simply disappear. (Jim Holt, Washington) *Still running — deadline Monday, June 24: Our contest for double-entendres. See wapo.st/invite1336 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1338, published June 30, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1338: Picture this Another Bob Staake cartoon caption contest. Plus our Mueller report 'findings.'(Cartoons by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // June 27 (Click here to skip down to the winning phrases made from combining words in the Mueller report) Yet again, as we have twice or more each year since 1994, we offer a set of inscrutable cartoons by Bigger Shot Than Ever Bob Staake, and ask you to scrut them. This week: Supply a caption for one or more of the cartoons above. As always, a number of people will come up with the same general idea, so the funniest descriptions or dialogue is going to get the ink. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1338 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Our second prize this week is intended to address the lamentable gender imbalance in Invite ink: Over the years, entries by XYish individuals have outscored XXies 2 to 1. Sometimes the Empress is accused of discriminating against women, which is nuts because (a) she doesn't see entrants' names when she's judging and (b) WHAT? So perhaps it is because the Invitational's prizes don't attract the little ladies, which is why this week we offer a booklet called "Weber's Girls' Guide to Grilling."* The cover features a photo of an attractive young woman picking up a piece of grilled meat with tongs all by herself, while a lovely friend in a stretch tank top and holding a glass of wine aahs in fascination. The inside pages feature cute daisy pictures along with descriptions of gas grills followed by "See, it's not that complicated, is it?" This relic from the grill company, donated by Loser Daphne Steinberg, dates all the way back to . . . 2005. Have at it, girlies! *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de)Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 8; results published July 28 in print, July 25 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Wit Hunt" is by Jesse Frankovich; Bill Dorner wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses the week's new contest and results. Check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *WIT HUNT!! OUR MUELLER REPORT FINDINGS FROM WEEK 1334* In* Week 1334 we provided you some links to the full (minus redactions) Mueller report investigating Russian interference in the 2016 election and whether certain American someones had a hand in it. And we asked you to link any two words from anywhere in the report. We didn't hear from as many Losers as usual this week; Marli Melton added a note that "I got so fascinated & horrified by the report itself that I had a hard time getting around to any entries." 4th place: *Hoax Hicks: The president's former Miscommunications Director. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Yes, little ladies, even you can learn to cook meat. This week's second prize. 3rd place: *Decision-balancing: I prefer not to use the term "procrastination." (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) 2nd place and thetrio of googly-eyed windup chattering teeth : *Coal comfort: Thoughts and prayers for black-lung victims. — A. Wheeler (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Trump-tweet: To make a wrong story short. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Muellarity ensues: Honorable mentions *Ally-oops: Foreign Service slang for the president's blunders at NATO meetings. (Chris Doyle) *Alabama baby:* A zygote. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *All-hands Love:* Safe sex. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Attachment expert:* Staple genius. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *Brown collar:* An exceptionally enthusiastic sycophant. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Catherine Okay: The Russian empress's less accomplished daughter. (Duncan Stevens) *Constitutional options:* All those articles and amendments. — D.J.T. (Kevin Dopart) *Dated dirt:* Gossip that's past its tell-by time (on Twitter, 12 hours) (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *Exploratory fabrication:* "Dad, what if we said we just talked about Russian orphans again?" (Frank Osen) *Factual report:* FAKE NEWS FROM THE FAILING MEDIA (Roy Ashley, Washington) *Giuliani assertion*: A pronouncement made with toe firmly in cheek. (Kevin Dopart) *Hannity probe:* The Fox host investigates all the ways President Trump is the greatest. (Frank Mann, Washington) *Investigative intercourse:* Tryst but verify. (Kevin Dopart) *KGB lunch:* "Have your peephole call my peephole." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *Mnuchin-land:* A mythical country paved with gold bricks and landscaped with hedge funds. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Moniker leaks: What's happening in the brain area that stores the names of everyone I know. (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) *More-on:* Someone who doesn't disrobe at a nudist colony. (Chris Doyle) *Oligarch-crazy:* Totally into totalitarians; MAGAGA. (Kevin Dopart) *Poke-eon:* How much time my kid has spent on that app. (Sam Mertens, Washington) *Possible fire:* Though there's definitely a dumpster. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) *Questionable translation:* He said Xi said. (Beverley Sharp) *Redaction figure:* A plastic William Barr doll. Comes with a black Sharpie that actually redacts! (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) *Scott obstruction:* Malady of the low-flow toilets. (Dave Prevar) *Ship covers:* Tarps that keep a naval vessel out of sight when the president's out of his mind. (Steve Smith) *Sit, Deliver: In this film, a math teacher returns to East L.A. 50 years later. (Duncan Stevens) *Sociopath Santa:* Who got our 8-year-old son a drum set? (Luke Baker, Columbia, Md.) *Stone Hannity: Maddow bucket list item. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) *Tennessee Twitter: A postcard. (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) *Tool-holder:* The driver's seat of a BMW. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Troll-house:* Cookies you should avoid unless you're a WORTHLESS PHILISTINE with NO TASTE who should be SHOT. (Duncan Stevens) *Unclear warfare: "The president just told us we're bombing Nambia! Wait, hang on." (Duncan Stevens) *Unlikely infomercial:* Ronco Spray-On Armpit Hair. (Jesse Frankovich) *Post Magnitsky: Newspaper's puny prize for putting on capitalist refrigeratorsky. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) *Express dumping: What the Empress seems to do with most of my brilliant entries. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *Inapplicable-Inappropriate-Not-Reading-Or-Listening-To-The-Instructions-Invite-Troll-Entry: *Deliberately failing to follow the rules in the hopes that the Empress will give you ink for being cute. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, July 1: our contest for jokes with anagrams in the punchline. See wapo.st/invite1337 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1339, published July 7, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1339: Songs for a modern error A parody contest. Plus winning poems and jokes based on spelling bee words.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // July 3 (Click here to skip down to the winning spelling bee poems and jokes) *Tonight, tonight, a most distressing sight: *My WiFi router's light blinking red.* *Such blight, this plight; it isn't working right;* *Offline, I really might just be dead.* *I can't log on and check my emails* *Or ogle pics of females* *Whose outerwear is slight.* *To right this blight, *I'll call and stay on hold out of spite* *All night!* — /Matt Monitto, channeling "West Side Story" / //It's our first song parody contest of 2019, and this week's theme comes courtesy of Loserbard Matt Monitto, complete with sample song (and even this week's headline). We'll be broad in scope. This week: Write humorous lyrics to a song about some modern woe, set to a familiar tune. * It can be about a how-you-say First World problem, like Matt's lament above, or something more serious as long as your anger and bitterness don't overwhelm your wit (the Empress calls that "screediness"). We'll give you an extra week — until July 22 — to get the parodies done. If you make a video, we might feature it in the online Invite (you could even use your own tune) but it's the quality of the lyrics that matters most. See this week's Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1339 for more guidance about writing songs for us. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1339 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the "Mr. President Wig" worn for a minute by Loser Howard Walderman while he sang a parody of "Imagine" ("Imagine I'm the Donald") at last weekend's Flushies, the Losers' annual awards "banquet." Howard's older than the Current Occupant but in way better shape: He recently medaled in swimming in the 80-to-84 group in the Maryland Senior Olympics. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 22; results published Aug. 4 in print, Aug. 1 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Spelly Laughs" was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Duncan Stevens; Chris Doyle and William Kennard both suggested the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Wednesday afternoon this week, discusses the week's new contest and results. Check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *SPELLY LAUGHS: THE BEE POEMS & JOKES FROM WEEK 1335* In*Week 1335 we asked for poems based on words from this year's Scripps National Spelling Bee — and we also invited some riddles. 4th place: *Omphalopsychites (AHM-fuh-lo-SIGH-kites), people who meditate by focusing on their navels Bellery-buttony Omphalopsychites are Folks who can gaze at their Navels all day. Loser Howard Walderman wears this week's second-prize wig while singing his own parody at the Flushies. (Mark Holt) Genesis demonstrates Incontrovertibly Abel and Cain were the First born that way. /(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) / 3rd place: *Badderlocks, brownish seaweed eaten in Northern Europe*: Whatever's on the Donald's head's unsightly, Like some dead thing he found beneath the docks, But if he threw some seaweed on, you'd rightly Say now he's even sporting badderlocks. /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / 2nd place and the bacon-scented soap and air 'freshener': *Fucus (FEW-kus): A brownish type of algae is the kind that's known as fucus; But if we mispronounce this word, they'll sure as heck rebuke us. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ Wigless Howard Walderman at an earlier Loser party. (Nan Reiner) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Apophysitis (uh-PAH-fuh-SIGH-tuhs), painful bone spurs: Once upon a time of drafting, Donald pondered, sly and crafting, Over many dark, dishonest ways to dodge the call to war — Fearing far-off foes who'd fight us, settled on apophysitis, Blaming it without the slightest hint of shame forevermore. "I'd be honored," Donald uttered, "to have served within the Corps. But, alas, my feet were sore." / (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)/ Bee-flats: Honorable mentions *Seitan, flavored wheat gluten, often a meat substitute:* Said the Church Lady, "Dontcha be hatin' On my vegan cafe — we're creatin' Dishes tasty and new! After one bite or two, You'll be wondering, could it be . . . seitan??" /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *Murrelet, a seabird Among endangered species is the avian marbled murrelet, It would be sad to see this species going down the turrelet. /(Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.)/ *Stakhanovite (sta-KAH-no-vite), a Soviet worker awarded for exceeding production quotas Russia is our closest friend. The FBI can hack you. Trump is on an upward trend. Vaccines are used to track you. I tweet it all day, I tweet it at night: I troll to be a Stakhanovite. (/Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) / *Haustellum, an insect proboscis adapted to suck blood) Folks hate skeeters and fear the haustellum. They can try but they cannot dispel 'em. The poor humans outside — They can run but not hide. Skeeters find 'em and bite when they smell 'em. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *"Badderlocks" jokes Q. What might you advise someone who ate some lousy Scottish salmon? A. Badderlocks next time. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / Q. What European diet features full meals plus snacks of seaweed? A. Badderlocks and the Three Squares. /(Mark Raffman) / *Rhathymia (ra-THIM-mia or ra-THIGH-mia), the state of being carefree Does current news depress me? Oh yes, plenty. But then I picture Trump's defeat in '20; This vision never ever fails to gimme a Distinct, exalted feeling of rhathymia./ (Duncan Stevens) / Soon Yi fills my heart with rhathymia, So I guess that this means it's goodbye, Mia./ (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) / No job and no worries I've got, A care in the world I have not. I'll live in rhathymia 'Cause my parents will buy me a Rolls, a new home and a yacht. / (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) / *Jalap (JA-lupp), a laxative made from a Mexican plant With its purgative properties, jalap Sends you off to the loo at a gallop, For it's quite unsurpassed — In fact, it's a blast — At freeing a laggardly bowel up. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *Mondegreen, a misheard song lyric* Ican see clearly now Lorraine has gone Wrapped up like a douche, I ask what was she on? "There's a bathroom on the right," she would unload, "Another turnip boy, a Ford stuck in the road." In the Garden of Eden, honey, don't you know that I'm lovin' you? Hold me closer, Tony Danza — doughnuts make my brown eyes blue. 'Scuse me while I kiss this guy — do you know what I mean? Can't you tell I'm just a nerd who loves a mondegreen?" /(Rick Bromberg, Fairfax, Va.)/ Q. Who are the greatest supporters of an "Echo-Friendly Nude Eel"? A. The Mondegreen Party. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ *Chelydroid, a snapping turtle* Once upon a summer, sweating, I desired a cooling wetting, So I stepped without a care into a pond with murky floor. With the water gently lapping, suddenly there came a snapping Turtle with its jaws a-clapping, clapping like a carnivore — "'Tis some chelydroid!" I hollered, "Snapping inches from the shore — Where my big toe'd been before." /(Dave Zarrow)/ ** Campylobacter, bacterium that causes food poisoning* Her stomach was tied up in knots After eating two undercooked brats. The bug that attacked her, A campylobacter, Turned strolls to the pot into trots. /(Chris Doyle)/ *Tathagata (Tatha-GA-ta)* Enlightened dude: when perfect truth he sees, He's called, in Buddhist lingo, tathagata. That means he's figured out life's mysteries; He understands announcements on WMATA . /(Duncan Stevens)/ *Taurokathapsia (TOR-uh-kuh-THAP-see-uh): an ancient sport in which a performer grasps the horns of a bull and somersaults over it* Stampety, stompety, Grabbing a bull by the Horns for a somersault Takes lots of guts, But for a thrill beyond Taurokathapsia, You should try taking the Bull by the nuts! /(Jesse Frankovich)/ *Psoas, loin muscles (SO-as):* Strong psoas make for healthy groins And stave off pelvic trauma; Each day, I exercise my loins — Assisted by Yo Mama. / (Duncan Stevens)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night, July 8: Our cartoon caption contest. See wapo.st/invite1338 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1340, published July 14, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1340: Not-ables — slightly change a famous name Plus our winning double-entendre quotes — yup, that's what she said(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // July 11 (Click here to skip down to the winning double-entendres) *George Washingmachine: Earliest master of political spin. *Genghis Yes-We-Khan: The Barbarity of Hope.* *Confusius: "By three methods we may learn wisdom: reflection, imitation, and . . . oops . . . "* **This week's contest, suggested by 400-time Loser Gary Crockett, is inspired by a recent panel of Scott Hilburn's clever comic "The Argyle Sweater" (see it on GoComics.com). Titled "Least-Remembered Historical Figures," it features a series of cartoons depicting such unluminaries as "Copernicuss" ("&#%$@ planets!"), "Gen. George Custodian" ("They left a mess at Little Big Horn") and "Aristattle" (ancient Greek kid yelling, "I'm telling Mom!"). This week: Slightly alter the name (make sure the original is obvious) of a famous personage — past or present, real or fictional — and describe the resulting nonpersonage, or offer a quote from that person, or both, as in the examples above. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1340 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fine pair of *Sandal Sox* — white socks with a buckling-sandal motif on top, so you can get the dorky-dad socks-with-sandals look without even wearing shoes. In fact, wearing shoes will totally hide the effect. Donated by Joke Dad Jeff Contompasis. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 22; results published Aug. 11 in print, Aug. 8 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Mark Raffman; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. ***** The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses the week's new contest and results. Check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *DOUBLE-MEANT FUN: REPORT FROM WEEK 1336* **In Week 1336* the Empress gave you a list of various situations — including the ever-popular "in bed" — and asked you to suggest something one might say in any two of those situations. That the double-entendres were required to be printable, even by the taste standards of the Invitational, ruled out a sizable fraction of the entries; hence none of the many jokes about "openings" (job interview/bed) or "eat" or "bone." Less graphically, there were just too many "meatball" entries for Trump/Ikea, or "Let's cut this short" for haircut/Trump. Still, we offer you these: 4th place: *Something you could say both at a restaurant and in bed: *"So we're a bit short-staffed tonight, are we?" /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) / Socks-with-sandals without sandals: This week's second prize. (bluecrate.com) 3rd place: *Something you could say both at Ikea and when President Trump visits your country: *"My God, that orange rug is hideous." /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / 2nd place and the yuckily named personal-care items : *Something you could say both at a restaurant and in bed: *"You gonna finish that?"/(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Something you could say both at a restaurant and when Trump visits your country: *"Can we get it to go?" /(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) / Nixed doubles: Honorable mentions *At Ikea and at a doctor's office:* "This is the oddest-looking stool I've ever seen." /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.; Bill Dorner, Indianapolis; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ *Getting a haircut and when Trump visits your country:* "Ow, my ears!" /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)/ *At Ikea and when Trump visits your country:* "This nut here seems to be useless." /(Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.)/ "Wow, what a huge glass bowl!" /(Duncan Stevens)/ *At Ikea and in bed: "I don't know — those drawers are really sticky." /(Frank Osen)/ "Huh, it looked much bigger on the website." /(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) / "I'll pay cash on the dresser." /(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) / *At a job interview and a restaurant: *"I always give 118 percent." /(Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.)/ *At a restaurant and a doctor's office:* "Now which of you has the crabs?" /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / *During a haircut and in a job interview: "I like to take a little off the top — not so much that anyone would notice." /(Roy Ashley, Washington) / *At a job interview and in bed: "You're on my 'short' list." /(Tom Witte) / "What types of entry-level positions are you open to?"/(Kevin Dopart) / *On a game show and in a job interview:* "Wheel-spinning is my specialty, Bob."/(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *At a restaurant and when Trump visits your country:* "We need to send back this spoiled turkey." /(Duncan Stevens) / *When Trump visits your country and in bed:* "These giant inflatables are a lot of fun."/(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) / "Ít helps to close my eyes and think of Obama."/(Mark Raffman) / *On a game show and at the doctor:* "And the actual retail price is . . . $23,981!"/(Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington) / *On a game show and when Trump visits your country: "The tribe has spoken: Pack your bags and leave the island."/(Luke Baker, Columbia, Md.) / *At a doctor's office and in a job interview:* "Should I leave my underwear on?" /(Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) / *At a doctor's office and when Trump visits your country: "Is it serious?" /(Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.)/ "Don't worry, the headache and irritation are common but temporary."/(John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)/ *At Ikea and when Trump visits your country:* "What are we supposed to do with this tool?" /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ *During a haircut and in bed: "Could we try that gel again? It worked pretty well last time." /(Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)/ "Now that there's less to work with, let's try doing it every six weeks instead of once a month." /(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)/ "You always make the bangs too short." /(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md., William Kennard, Arlington)/ *At a supermarket and among Style Invitational Losers:* "Ugh, these lines are awful!" /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) / *Among Style Invitational Losers and in bed: "You may not exceed 25 entries in one week." /(Steve Honley, Washington; Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)/ "Want to see my little cannon?" /(Frank Mann, Washington)/ "I don't CARE if Jesse Frankovich can do it eight times in a week!" /(J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)/ "You will call me Empress, Loser. And if you want any of my favors, you must first submit." /(Seth Tucker, Washington) / *Among Style Invitational Losers and when Trump comes to your country: *"I can't believe/that /stupid thing won!" /(Neal Starkman, Seattle) / *Still running — deadline is also July 22: our contest for song parodies about modern woes. See wapo.st/invite1339 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1341, published July 21, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1341: Portmanteautapping E to R Combine two words to make a new one. Plus winning riddles with anagrams.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // July 18 (Click here to skip down to the winning riddles with anagrams in the punchlines) *Parmesand: What ends up sprinkled all over the meatball sub you get at the beach. /(Bob Staake)/ *Frigidiot:* That shirtless guy at a January football game./(Jimmy LaCaria) / *Estrogeniality: The attribute that compels women to go to the restroom in pairs. /(Joy Vizi) / Among the innumerable neologism contests put up by the Empress and, before her, the Czar have been those for portmanteau words — words that combine two existing words. Reading back through the Comprehensive Style Invitational Archives, maintained as the ever-growing magnum dopus of Loser Elden Carnahan at NRARS.org, the E discovered that many years ago, she ran a contest for portmanteau words beginning with A through D, and another one for S through Z . . . and then forgot the rest of the alphabet. This week: Coin a portmanteau word beginning with E through R, in which the words overlap by at least two letters, * and describe it, as in the examples above; the non-Bob ones are from Week 476 (2002), our first portmanteau contest. As always, you're welcome to make your entry funnier with a funny sentence showing how the word could be used. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1341 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an oval decal like the "26.2" one that marathoners like to put on their cars (or perhaps across one of their ruined knees) — but this one brags "0.0." *Donated by Loser Barbara Turner. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 29; results published Aug. 18 in print, Aug. 15 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses the week's new contest and results. Check out this week's at wapo.st/conv1341. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *MOT-FOOLERY: ANAGRAM RIDDLES FROM WEEK 1337* In Week 1337 we asked for jokes in a Q/A format that included an anagram of a relevant word or name in the punchline. Many of you cited President Trump's reliance on Vladi­mir Input.* (Can't figure out an anagram or two? I'll explain the less obvious ones in this week's Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1341.) 4th place: Brag about your unmarathon — "marathno"? — with this week's second prize. Q. How did the senator explain his cowardly vote to his constituents? A.*"I flee your pain." /(Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) / 3rd place: Q. What condition seems to be epidemic on overcrowded Metro cars? A.*Irritable elbow syndrome. /(Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) / 2nd place and the Alexander the Great action figure : Q. What is Bill de Blasio sick of being called by Big Apple haters? A.*Mayor of Yer Icky Town. /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)/ And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Q. With what inscription would the White House like to replace Emma Lazarus's poem*("Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free . . .")* on the Statue of Liberty? A.*Never send me your rapist, free-rider, s-hole, drug army. Out! Goodbye! I hate you.* /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / Next of ink: Honorable mentions Q. Which campaign slogan did the former veep definitely not plagiarize? A. "I need job." /(Frank Mann, Washington)/ Q. Under pressure from the left, who changed his position about his support for the Hyde Amendment? A. Joe I-Bend.* /(Mark Raffman)/ Q. In what movie does Marty McFly time-travel to stop Brexit? A: "Back to the EU Turf."* /(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) / Q. What's the new novel about the Hogwarts test-cheating scandal? A. "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Notes."* /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ Q. What appropriately shaped D.C. structure commemorates the city's longest-ever orgy? A. The Swingathon Monument. /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)/ Q. What was constructed to commemorate D.C.'s blizzards of 2009-2010? A. The Snowhating Monument. /(Ken Liss, Brookline, Mass., a First Offender) / Q. Who said he had no idea what happened to the cherry tree? A: George Sawnothing.* /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)/ Q. How does the North Korean dictator refer to the American president and first lady? A.*Dotard 'n' Plum. /(Mark Raffman)/ Q. I hear that our president is going to open a hotel in Haiti that's the opposite of his one in D.C. What's he going to call it? A. Trump Latrine Nation .* /(Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.)/ Q. When it turns out to be too boring to call it "March Madness," what would be a better name for a humdrum NCAA tournament? A. Bleak Blast.* /(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) / Q. Which longtime jurist was just banned from an Alabama mall? A. Judge Roy Romeo.* /(Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)/ Q. Who hid state secrets inside a beer bottle in his backyard? A. Lager Hiss.* /(Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) / Q. After Bob got his hand stuck in the garbage disposal, what was left? A.*An arm and a gel.* /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / Q. If the fossil fuel industry had its druthers, in what building would Congress convene? A. The U.S. Coalpit. /(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) / Q. What company has introduced a line of see-through athletic wear? A. Nuder Armour. /(Chris Doyle) / Q. What wine famously burst into flames in the 1970s? A. Pinto noir.* /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / Q. In what dystopian movie does a government agency ban all research into climate change? A. "Planet of the EPAs." /(Mark Raffman)/ Q. What road trip movie features a pair of fugitives debating whether to flee or not to flee? A. Hamlet and Louise. /(Eric Nelkin) / Q. What's the name of that new micro-pickup truck? A. The Sliverado.// /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / Q. Which military sitcom suffered from constant overacting? A. "H*A*M*S."* /(John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) / Q. How did the proctologist make his patients promise to use their hemorrhoid ointment? A. The Pledge of Anal Ice Gel. /(Nicole Caruso Garcia, Trumbull Conn., a First Offender) / Q. What did Jeff Sessions do when he resigned from the Trump administration? A. He rescued himself. (Jesse /Frankovich) / Q. What did Sheriff Woody say when Mr. Potato Head joined a coup to oust him? A.*Et tu, tuber?* /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / Q, The candidate wants to attract more young voters by changing his name? To what? A. Bernie Radness. /(Matt Tietze, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) / Q. What iconic Wyoming locale does the administration want to open up for oil drilling? A. Ye-Ton-o'-Wells* National Park /(Mark Raffman) / Q. What did the printer ask the customer placing an order? A. "You want serif with that?" (/Jesse Frankovich)/ Q. What did the Romans call the Dacian revolt against their empire in the year 157? A. The CLVII War.// /(Jeff Contompasis) / Q. What directions are at the top of every Russian presidential ballot? A. Put in Vladi­mir.* /(Christopher Thorpe, Millbrae, Calif.) / Q. It's this summer's biggest hit, but what do some people call Lil Nas X's song? A. Download rot. /(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) / Q. Which famed large-"nosed" drummer went on to appear in porn films? A. Groin Starr.* /(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) / Q. Who sang "If I Had a Hummer" and "Blowin' Up in the Wind"? A. Peter, Paul and Army. /(Chris Doyle) / Q. Who started an online forum to rate U.S. Marine bases? A. Gomer Yelp.* /(Chris Doyle) / Q. Who was that rotten committee who denied Samuel L. Jackson an Oscar nomination? A. Snakes on a panel!* /(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) / Q. Who was the hero of the Tales of the Swedish Nights? A. Ali ABBA. /(Ray Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) / Q. What is the trade union for male porn workers? A. The Screen Scrota Guild.* /(Kevin Dopart) / Q. In a poll of Style Invitational contestants, who tied for favorite fantasy president? A.*Teddy and Franklin D. Loservote.* /(Chris Doyle) / Q, Who's that funny anagram dude in the Style Invitational? A. Jon Great-har!* /(Jon Gearhart)/ /*And Last: /Q. In what (assuredly fictional) contest do witty raconteurs find that they are irresistible to the opposite sex? A. The Style I-Attain-Lovin'* /(Mark Raffman)/ *Still running: TWO contests due Monday night, July 22: Week 1339: Song parodies on the themes of Modern Woes (see wapo.st/invite1339 )* *Week 1340: Change a famous name slightly and describe the new person (wapo.st/invite1340 )* *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1342, published July 28, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1342: Mrgrs — combine two abbreviations Plus the winning captions for four Bob Staake cartoons. (What WAS that green thing?)(Cartoons by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // July 25 (Click here to skip down to this week's inking cartoon captions) *AirBNBRB: We'll hold your reservation.* *TGIFBI: Coming to our office — Undercover Fridays!* *NASAARP: For astronauts on their later voyages around the sun. This week's contest was suggested by Longtime Loser Paul Laporte, and it seems as straightforward as can be (as it always does to the Empress until she's bombarded five minutes later with questions):*Combine two acronyms or other abbreviations, whether of entities or expressions, into one big one, and then describe it,* offer a slogan for the new organization, etc. As always, feel free to enhance your description with a funny sentence showing how you'd use it in the real world. Your entry will probably be a lot funnier if it's obvious what abbreviations you're combining, as in Paul's examples above, but there's a chance that your joke would work even with an explanation.The abbreviations don't necessarily need to appear in their entirety, as long as it's clear what they are. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1342 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Sarcasm 2-Pack:* a metal "National Sarcasm Society" sign with the motto "Like We Need Your Support"; and atiny wearable button with the slogan "I never faked a sarcasm in my life." Yeah, right. The sign was donated by Nan Reiner, the button by Christina Courtney. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug 5; results published Aug. 25 in print, Aug. 22 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results was submitted separately by Chris Doyle, William Kennard and Jesse Frankovich; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses the week's new contest and results. Check out this week's at wapo.st/conv1342 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *HAR-TOONS: WINNING CAPTIONS FROM WEEK 1338* (Cartoons by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) **In Week 1338* we presented yet another four bizarro renderings by Bob Staake and asked for captions. A dismaying number of you dragged out the apt but so old "Loan Arranger" joke for Picture A. 4th place: *Picture B: "Mama, that's just their name. They don't actually serve panda." /(Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) / * 3rd place: *Picture C: "Trust me: You don't want to be taken to our leader." /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)/ 2nd place and the patronizing "Girls' Guide to Grilling": *Picture D: "The plot was thin and the characters one-dimensional!" /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Picture B: "For crying out loud, Brittany — leave the mask on until I get the senior discount!" /(Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.)/ Art blecho: Honorable mentions *PICTURE A* "Well, howdy there, little lady. Who can I chat with about unsecured nonconvertible debentures?" /(John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) / "Just thought I'd mention that the third stall in the men's room is now out of toilet paper." /(Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)/ "Smoky here doesn't spark joy anymore, so I'd like to trade him in on an F-150." /(J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) / "All us old cowboys sit this way. It's easier on our prostates."/(Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) / So ma'am, now that I just showed you where the other arrow went, would you kindly tell the vet that this really is an emergency?!" /(Kerry Humphrey, Arlington, Va.)/ "I have more of a brown-chip stock portfolio."/(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ "I'd be honored to sign up, but I've got spurs on my feet."/(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) / "So I got you this gift, see, but I didn't want you to look it in the mouth . . . " /(Jesse Frankovich) / "You called for Tex Support?"/(Duncan Stevens)/ "Ma'am, these days the AAP recommends we stay rear-facing for as long as we fit in the seat." /(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)/ As Sally had been quite emphatic on the point, Chet dutifully brought her the horse he rode in on. /(Duncan Stevens)/ *PICTURE B* "Relax, Mom. Dad's funeral doesn't start for another 20 minutes." /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / "Dammit, Mother, you've repeated that Clara Peller thing 2 million times since 1984! Besides, this is Chipotle." /(Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) / "Maybe I don't FEEL like ordering a Happy Meal today, OKAY, MOTHER???" /(Steve Honley, Washington)/ "Zurg, retract your antennae before someone notices we are undocumented aliens!"/(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) / "SHE ASKED IF YOU WANTED SQEEPH PHBLLT MRRPHL."/(Jeff Shirley; Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) / "What do you mean we just stopped? It's been almost a whole MILE since my last Starbucks." /(Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) / "They said, 'We regret to tell you that we're flat out of the Coquilles St. Jacques.'"Š"/(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; George Smith, Frederick, Md.) / "You wouldn't get me a Frosty in 1982, you don't get a Frosty now!" /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / Sartre defined hell as being confined with your mother-in-law in a car with no doors/. (Mark Raffman) / *PICTURE C* "My God, Carl! Gesundheit!" /(Jesse Frankovich) / The first microwaveable salads were extremely disappointing. /(Frank Osen) / " I wonder if our Incredible Hulk will ever finish potty training."/(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / "Aw, someone left the cake out in the rain, and all the icing's flowing down! Well, never gonna make /that/ again."/(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / "Huh, SpongeBob really /can't/ survive on land." /(Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) / "There must be a better way to swat flies than the Jell-O Catapult." /(Duncan Stevens) / "You say you bought this ice sculpture on Etsy?" /(Jean Sorensen) / Turns out that green smoothies can't quite replace three squares a day./(Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) / At EPA, new appointees were surprised to find that warmer temperatures do, indeed, cause ice to melt. /(Mark Raffman)/ Bill and Wilma can hardly believe it, yet they thaw it with their own eyes. /(Danielle Nowlin) / *PICTURE D* "Mommy, why is Governor Northam so angry at that yearbook?" /(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) / Harold was going to make sure little Timmy became one of the 937 winners of the 2029 Scripps National Spelling Bee if it was the last thing he did. /(Danielle Nowlin) / When CVS switched to hardcover bindings for its receipts, Bill had finally had enough. /(John Hutchins; Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / "Here's a cookbook, Barbara. Now can you please make something besides broccoli?" snarled a fed-up George H.W. Bush in 1954, the last time he visited a supermarket. /(Bob Kruger)/ Agent Ray Sistman flips out upon learning that asylum-seeking families are legally allowed to bring their own cages./(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ Danno's retirement job as a Costco security guard didn't last long when he began booking people for no apparent reason./(John Kupiec, Fairfax, Va.) / "Here's what you can do with 'Anger Management for Dummies!'"/(Jesse Frankovich) / Eugene knew the book was defective — it leaked hyphens everywhere./(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)/ Having failed repeatedly as a child, a bitter Charlie Brown now kicked anything that wasn't nailed down. /(Tommy Thompson, Richmond) / *Still running — deadline Monday night, July 29: our contest for portmanteau words. See wapo.st/invite1341. *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1343, published August 4, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1343: We plead no contest The Empress is going to tour her realm. But we have winning song parodies!(Bob Staake for The Washington Post/"Twelve Items" — sing it to "Maria" — got an honorable mention this week for 400-time Loser Gary Crockett.) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // August 1 (Click here to skip down to this week's winning parodies) It's been a couple of years, but the Empress gives you a break this week from your sacred obligation to submit Style Invitational entries every seven days ad infinitum: Later this month the E will be progressing through the Midwestern portion of her realm with the Royal Consort (and meeting up with some Losers along the way). And so in four weeks we'll have a column, prepared in advance, featuring robbed-of-ink entries from earlier contests — including, surely, many extra parodies from Week 1339. So if the song you entered didn't get ink this week, don't despair — just wait four weeks./Then/ despair. Meanwhile, the Week 1342 contest for combined abbreviations* is still running: Deadline is midnight on Monday, Aug. 5. See*wapo.st/invite1342. The headline "Trouble in Parodies" was submitted by both Jon Gearhart and William Kennard; Gary Crockett wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *TROUBLES IN PARODIES: WINNING SONGS OF 'MODERN WOES'* **In Week 1339 we sought songs about *"modern woes,"* a gapingly broad topic encompassing both frivolous "First World problems" and serious issues — and how could that category exclude current politics? The Empress received a litany of laments set to some 300 different songs — from "I'm a Little Teapot" to "Louie, Louie" to "Shallow," along with seven versions of "Yesterday," four "Major-General's Songs" and of course a slew of show tunes. Not familiar with some of the melodies for the songs below? Click on the link in the title for a video clip — in some cases performed by the inking writers (including a couple with visuals). 4th place: *To "Some Enchanted Evening": Sung by the writer's daughter, Lily FitzPatrick,here. Some distracted morning, you won't see that stranger, You won't see that stranger beside you at the beach Who looks like a cross between Pitt and Cruise Except for his twinkling McConaughey blues. Some distracted morning, you'll be reading email Even as that he-male reclines in easy reach — Then maybe you'll check your Instagram likes, Or watch a new film clip of goats riding bikes. Who needs a boyfriend when you're not alone, When you are going steady with your phone? /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) / 3rd place: *To "The Streets of Laredo" As I was out walking the streets of Seattle, I craved me a coffee and entered a shop; I asked the barista for a tall cappuccino With two packets Splenda and whipped cream on top. He said, "That's four fifty"; I reached for my wallet, Extracted a fiver and started to pay; He looked at me squarely, said, "Stranger, you're new here. Just fold up that greenback and put it away. "We don't accept cash here, just Mastercard, Visa, Or bitcoin they spin out of moonbeams and dust, And Google Pay, Apple Pay, Venmo and PayPal, But never that stuff that reads 'In God We Trust.'"Š" I said, "I've no smartphone and don't carry plastic: My currency's always been honored before." He called me a deadbeat and sent for the sheriff, And that's why I sing from behind a cell door. I sit now and ponder how fast the world changes; This Digital Age is rewriting the book: Our money's now backed by the full faith and credit Of Mark Zuckerberg, Sergey Brin and Tim Cook. /(Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.)/ 2nd place and the'Mr. President' wig : /*To "Maria," as sung by Donald Trump:* Korea! I've just stepped inside North Korea! My new best friend is Kim, I'm sure he'll write a hymn — to me! Korea! I've just shaken hands in Korea; I showed the world who's boss; I strolled across the DMZ! Korea, all it took was a tweet on Twitter! Now the Dems are all jealous and bitter! Korea (I bask in the glitter!), Korea! What a beautiful photo op it was . . . Ko-ree-ah! /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *To "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas": Have yourself a gerrymandered district, Draw some artful lines; Make it look like 12 exploding porcupines. Have yourself a gerrymandered district, Slice and dice the votes: Safe seat, even if they catch you screwing goats. Once we'd choose folks who stood for us; "Go do good for us," we said — Threw out those who were abusing us. Now they're choosing us instead. Draw it up so you can't be defeated, Be you saint or heel, 'Cause John Roberts says that this is no big deal, So have yourself a seat no one can ever steal. /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / Unsound of music: Honorable mentions *Stuck in Twitter Prison,* /to "Folsom Prison Blues" /(sung onthis video by musician Mike Whitney, who does an excellent Johnny Cash) I know those twitters flutter billions on their way But I ain't been on Twitter since midnight yesterday. I'm stuck in Twitter Prison, and Facebook's so, so slow While those tweetstorms sweep on by on topics I don't know. When I was just a newbie, my mentor told me, "Girl, Always keep it light, now — don't join the name-call whirl." But I cursed a Trump supporter just to watch him squirm. Now they tweet on organizin' another four-year term. I bet rich folks contribute to their dark-web PAC campaigns And laugh at how us poor ones don't have capital gains. Well, I know I had it comin', I know I acted dumb And those wing-nuts keep on talkin' while I just sit here mum. When they free me from this prison, when I'm tweeting back online, I'll warn my allies not to make the same mistake as mine. Don't go to Twitter Prison, stay loud in good renown. Don't let those Mister Falcons* shut your Twitter down. /(Marcus Bales, Cleveland) /*"Mister Falcon" was the famously nonsensical replacement for another MF epithet that censors had dubbed into the TV version of "Die Hard 2" *To "You're So Vain": I walked into the potty like I was living without a care; The Post strategically tucked below one arm, I lowered my derriere. It was then I saw the toilet roll, and I just stopped to stare 'Cause it was hung with the paper draped under, paper draped under, You're a pain — you probably think your way is the right way! You're a pain — I bet you think your way is the right way, don't you, don't you? Oh, you moved in several years ago, and I should have read the clues When you said, as a guy, that you didn't care which brand or what ply we'd use, And you never brought home Angel Soft — though that's what experts choose. I want to scream, "Just stay out of my bathroom, out of my bathroom!" It's my domain! You probably think this all doesn't matter My domain! I bet you think it all doesn't matter, don't you, don't you? /(Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)/ *To "Maria" : Twelve items! The fast lane's for only 12 items! But my cart has 13, don't want to make a scene, you see? Twelve items! Do they really count all my items? The cashier has to know — if I get busted woe is me! Twelve items, Any more and the lines are endless, So I'll put back this small box of Splendas . . . It's worth it, it's worth it to have just twelve items! / (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *To "Another Brick in the Wall" My kids need to clean their toys up; My kids need some mess control. It's dark; I'm walking down the hallway . . . Dammit, what's that on the floor? Ouch! Dammit! What's that on the floor? All in all, it's just another brick in the sole. /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) / *To "Comedy Tonight" If we get lucky, We'll flood Kentucky. Everyone there will take their opioids tonight! Wall Street is singing, Money's ka-chinging, All Appalachia's taking opioids tonight! Pushers and pills, profits and pain From Mississippi straight up to Maine. We'll keep it going! We'll keep it flowing! Who cares what Post reporters write? Litigate tomorrow, opioids tonight! /(Barbara Sarshik and Andy Pike, McLean) / *To Willie Nelson's "You Were Always on My Mind," performed by Baltimore Symphony musician Jonathan Jensen Maybe I didn't tell you all the things that I could have. Maybe I didn't make you pay attention like I should have. Spending time with you would make me feel just as if I were alone. You were always on your phone. You were always on your phone. Maybe I can't compete with Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, Playful kittens on YouTube; I won't sulk or be bitter. Still, it hurt when I'd proclaim my love In a warm and tender tone. You were always on your phone. You were always on your phone. Tell me, tell me why our sweet love had to die. Give me your attention now and look me in the eye. What was there that enthralled you on that tiny, tiny screen? Like a siren it called you. I was left unheard, unseen. When you pass away, these simple words will be carved upon your stone: "She was always on her phone. She was always on her phone." /(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) / *To"Knock Three Times" Yes, your call's important to us. Sorry, we're helping -the people who phoned in before you. Maybe you can phone back later When the waiting times are greater; That way we'll spare you the fact that we care to ignore you. Oh you dummy! Press 1 twice (beep beep!) if you'd like to hear more choices, Stay on the line (cricket chirps) to connect to a droid, What a sucker! "Click click click" means you won't hear human voices. "Transferring now!" sends you off to the void. /(Frank Mann, Washington)/ *To "I Get a Kick Out of You":* /(Inspired by industry arguments that airline passengers shouldn't complain about bad seating, etc., because they could have chosen to pay for better options) / I'm getting kicked on this plane; Parents behind have a kid who won't mind. So tell me how it came to pass That I'm in economy class. I'm in a whole lot of pain: Trying to squeeze in this seat hurt my knees. Tell me please, someone, why I'm, alas, Ticked off in economy class. I'm getting sick of the folks I see dawdling there before me, Trying to stick something under a seat as they casually ignore me. I'm one who likes to complain; Thus I will keep buying tickets so cheap I'm with sheep piled deep and en masse Back here in economy class. /(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)/ *To "Going Up the Country"* /performed by John Shea with a nice Canned Heat imitation; with visual/s I'm screwing up the country, payin' off the 1 percent. I'm screwing up the country, payin' off the 1 percent. I can do what I want,. 'cause I'm the president. I don't show my taxes 'cause Russia's got a part of me. I don't show no taxes — the Saudis got a part of me And my greatest friend was in the KGB. I don't care about pollution, I let businesses run free, I don't care about consumers — what they ever do for me? We might even sell the U.S.A. Well, it's a brand-new game that I just love to play. I love all my women — treat 'em like a piece of beef . . . I can do what I want, . . . I'm the Predator-in-Chief. There's lots of people, but really I prefer them white . . . I tell a million lies, but don't you know I'm always right. /(John Shea, Philadelphia) / *To "Thriller" It's after midnight, and someone evil's posting on his phone. Inside the House White he's tweeting in the bathroom all alone. You want to scream, but then you wonder if it's even worth it. It's not a dream; the horrors haven't even been disguised — ALL CAPITALIZED! 'Cause this is Twitter! Twitter night! And no one's gonna save us from this troll who loves to fight. You know it's Twitter! Twitter spite! He's starting up again another Twitter battle tonight . . . /(Jesse Frankovich)/ *To "Suddenly Seymour" from "Little Shop of Horrors" Shaking my head at this hi-def era. Thanks to these screen specs, zoomed in all the way. Whoa, and that face! Please, give a warning! Those nose hairs are bad, so coarse and astray! I suddenly see more than I'd ever want to, The more they blow up, the more they offend. I suddenly see more, than I'd ever want to, Ever expanding, hi-def's no friend! /(Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.)/ *To "Oklahoma"* /Performed by J. Larry and Connie Schott/ Toe-oe-oe-oenail fungus! I think I might have caught it at the gym. Now my stinky feet, sure don't smell sweet And I keep the lighting kind of dim. Toe-oe-oe-oenail fungus! Every night my sweetie pie and I Wear white socks to bed, so it won't spread. Can it climb our legs up past our thighs? We know we belong to the gym And the gym is a grand place to swim! But in the shower at the end of your hour I'm telling you that you will be fine: "Wear protection!" Rubber flip-flops, okay! /(J. Larry and Connie Schott, West Plains, Mo.) / *To "The Letter" Gimme your favorite special character; Add a number just to be sure. Lowercase alone? Nope, that's hacker-prone — Your password needs a capital letter. We don't care it's doubtful you'll remember it; Got to select a good string that is fit. Lowercase alone, that we can't condone — Your password needs a capital letter. Yes, a capital letter; sir, you can't proceed without it in place. Listen, mister, can't you see you gotta include one that's in uppercase, Right away, yeah . . . /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) / *To "Be Our Guest" *Cheat the test! Cheat the test! Using stand-ins is the best! Though your scores aren't really yours, they'll leave the colleges impressed! Strike a pose! Fake a sport! Though you're no athletic sort, Give the coach a healthy bribe and you'll be welcomed to the tribe. You'll get in, it's no sin, let your college days begin As your parents pay the price (let's say "invest") For while you've been admitted, they won't be acquitted, They transgressed! (Who'd have guessed?) Then confessed! /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / /*And Last: The Style Invitational No-Ink Blues* / /To "Be Our Guest" /Print my jest! Print my jest! Validate my nerdy quest; Thus far all my best attempts have left Ms. Myers un-Empressed. I breed foals, mess with heads; still she leaves my jokes in shreds, Still, the longed-for junky spoils go to Raffmans, Sharps and Doyles! Every week I feel smug, sure I'll win a bag or mug, Yet each Thursday finds me inkless and depressed; Someday I'll amuse her — then I'll be a Loser! I won't rest — I'm obsessed! Print my jest! /(Duncan Stevens, who obviously is not writing about himself except for — just as obviously — the "obsessed" part)/ *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1344, published August 11, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1344: Well, that's just great — it's Limerixicon XVI Write a limerick featuring a 'gr-' word. Plus 'Mitch McCarnal' and other altered names.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // August 8 (Click here to skip down to the winning plays on people's names) *If a peddler in Athens declares* *You'll receive, if you purchase his wares,* *A free panda that dances,* *Don't take any chances:* *Beware of a Greek gifting bears. /(Tim Alborn, Week 624, 2005)/ As comes August, lo, so comes the Limerixicon, our annual check-in with OEDILF.com, where, inexorably since its founding in early 2004, Chris Strolin and a large band of contributors have been creating an Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, tiptoeing through the alphabet as they strive to complete a whole dictionary with descriptive and mechanically sound limericks, one letter (or less) at a time. The Style Invitational latched on in OEDILF's very first year, and we haven't let go, as the site has passed the 100,000-lim mark and predicts that it'll be all done by Nov. 3, 2063. *This week: Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any English word, name or term beginning with "gr,"* as in the example above from Limerixicon 3. Please see our guide*"Get Your 'Rick Rolling"* at wapo.st/limericks1344 for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell: "perfect" rhyme, and a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm in Lines 1, 2 and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; additional unaccented syllables on either side are fine. See OEDILF.com about submitting limericks there after this contest is over. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1344 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives what is described on ultra-cheapo Wish.com as "Mens Contoured Pouch Tanning Sleeve Swim Cover Up Swimwear" and is the smallest men's garment imaginable;* it is essentially a screaming yellow, very narrow stretch nylon sock with elastic at the top. We suggest you not swim in it. Or move. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 19; results published Sept. 8 in print, Sept. 5 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Maiming Names" was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Tom Witte; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses the week's new contest and results. Check out this week's at wapo.st/conv1344 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *MAIMING NAMES: REPORT FROM WEEK 1340* In*Week 1340 the Empress asked you to slightly alter a famous name and describe this new person. There were so many funny names, not so many funny descriptions. I may, in a future contest, put a bunch of non-inking names out there and ask for the whole Greater Loser Community to improve on them. 4th place: *Mitch McCarnal: He often "has knowledge of" the American people. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / 3rd place: *President Nicolás Manuro: Creating ordure out of chaos. /(Stephen Gold, London) / 2nd place and the socks that look as if you're wearing sandals with them : *Edgar Allan Po'boy:* Once upon a midnight dreary, While he pondered, weak and weary, Suddenly a rapping eerie sounded at his chamber door. Unperplexed by all the hubbub, Said he: "It's the guy from Grubhub, Bringing me my favorite pub sub. Just a sandwich, nothing more." /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Marlon Blando:* "Stella, could you come here for a minute?" /(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) / Name-dropping: Honorable mentions *Genghis Khan't:* He couldn't take that first steppe. /(Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md., a First Offender) / *Frank Snotra:* Ol' Green Nose is back! /(Stephen Gold)/ *Frank Sumatra: Island crooner who hit the charts with "Fly Me to the Monsoon." /(Arnold Berke, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ ** James Brownnose:* The hardest-working man in the Trump administration. /(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)/ *Jeans Valjeans:* Levi's 24601. /(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)/ *Martin Luther Queen:* "I have been 78 percent of the way to the mountaintop!" /(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va,)/ *Abraham LinkedIn: "Wait, why is he inviting me to join his team? I thought we were rivals. " /(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.; Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)/ *AE$OP Rocky:* "Hey Mabel, I'll tell you a fable. I need a donor togive me some kronor ."/(Roy Ashley, Washington)/ *Alexander Gramps Bell: "What's that, Watson? Speak up, I can't hear you!"/(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)/ *Andherson Cooper:*How he was known before he became a cele-brity. /(Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.)/ *Brad Pittstain:* Hardest-working actor in Hollywood — and just /too/ hot. /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) / *Charlie Parka:* The /coolest/ jazz. /(Warren Tanabe) / *C.O.P.D. James:* Her mystery novels will leave you breathless. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ *Davy Crock-of-it:* C'mon, no 3-year-old ever killed a b'ar. /(David Stonner, Washington, a First Offender)/ *Felon Musk:* Holds record for number of battery charges. /(Stephen Dudzik)/ *George Lucuss: "What the #$@&%*! did Disney do to my Star Wars?"/(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) / *Hermit the Frog: "Leave me alone, you pig!" /(Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)/ *I.B. White: Some pig who wrote "The Elements of Heil!" Now a GOP speechwriter. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ *Jair Bowsandarrows: President who plans to take Brazil back to the Stone Age. /(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)/ *Jeanine Pyro:* Pro-Trump pundit given to inflammatory statements. (/John Kupiec, Fairfax, Va.)/ *Julius Geezer:* I came, I saw, I conked out. /(Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)/ *Julius Seizure:* He constructed Rome's Grand Mall. /(Gary Crockett) / *Julius Sneezer: "Ah choo, Bruté?" /(Mike Phillips, Washington) / *Justin Timberrake: The White House appointed him to put an end to wildfires. /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) / *Mae Westminster Abbey:* A stunning feat of engineering with two eye-catching spires and a nice apse. /(Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ *Mark Struckaberg:* CEO who thought his company was unsinkable. /(Warren Tanabe) / *Pillory Clinton:* "STOCK HER UP!" /(Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) / *Rip Van Tinkle:* Slept for two whole decades, but had to get up every couple years to pee. /(Mike Phillips; Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *Santayana Claus: Those who don't remember their present are bound to regift it. /(David Stonner)/ *Shaquille O'Kneel:* Appears to be only 6-8. /(Jesse Rifkin)/ *Shimmy Hoffa:* Union boss who invented the shakedown. /(Jeff Hazle)/ *Sir Lunchalot*: A Round Knight of the Table. /(Jonathan Jensen)/ *Squadzilla: Giant lizard whose attempts to stomp on four congresswomen leveled his party. /(Frank Osen) / *Stevie Wonderbread: Played piano with the Osmond Brothers. /(Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.)/ *Trumpelstiltskin: An evil gnome who spins golden opportunities into straw. /(Lawrence McGuire) / *The Writhe brothers: They downsized airline seats./(Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) / *Adipose Rex:* Greek king who quipped, "Your Mama's so fat, even I wouldn't do her." /(Chris Doyle)/ *Bris Harper:* The best cutoff man in baseball. /(Jeff Hazle) / *Coward Beale: A network anchor who announced, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this any, um, further." Played by Peter Flinch. /(Chris Doyle) / *Davy Crockpot:* Bear stew in 6-8 hours (4-6 on high). /(Tracy Schultz, Chicago, a First Offender)/ *Ernest Lemmingway: The author gives up his rugged individualism and just goes with the flow. /(David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)/ *George Cloney:* "O Twin Brother, Where Art Thou?" /(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)/ *George Frideric Handeljiggler:* Finally figured out how to make the "water music" stop./(Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.)/ *German Melville:* Author of /"Der Mobie Schwanz." / /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ *Ichabod Cranium:* He had something the Headless Horseman really wanted./(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)/ *Jay-Zzzz:* He topped the charts with the hip-hop lullaby "REMpire State of Mind." /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ *Rainy Descartes: "Thinking about Mondays always gets me down!" /(John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) / *Unclear Sam: "I want you for the U.S. Army. Or the Agricuture Department Or the Kiwanis. Whatever." /(Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)/ *SpongeBob SwearPants:* Successful cartoon character who can't believe he still lives in a #@&! pineapple under the %*! sea/. (Frank Osen) / *William Merkinley:* Orchestrated the first White House sex cover-up. /(Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) / *Lee J. Throbb:* The leading man in the porn flick "Twelve Angry Inches." /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1345, published August 18, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1345: The confaketionary — food fictoids Tell us some bogus gastronomic trivia. Plus winning portmanteau words from Week 1341.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // August 15 (Click here to skip down to the winning portmanteau words) *Neil Armstrong hated Tang.* /(Russell Beland)/ *The act of eating celery burns more calories than it contains.* /(Chris Sonnenberg)/ *In Switzerland, it's American cheese that's sold with holes in it.* /(Mike Hammer)/ *Before World War II, Almond Joy candy bars contained real joy.* /(Russell Beland)/ Because there simply is not enough misinformation in the world about this subject, our latest bogus-trivia contest concerns one of the Empress's favorite subjects: This week: Tell us some comically false "fact" about food, drink or dining, as in the examples above from our general bogus-trivia contest back in 2007. Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1345 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, apropos of this contest, an especially handsome hardcover book called*"The Book of Random Oddities ," *which focuses mostly on odd words and fascinating word origins. Presumably these aren't fictoids and are pretty much truoids. Donated by Duncan Stevens. And also apropos of this contest, we'll throw in a bag of a snack called "Brussel Sprout Puffs,"* which probably aren't as bad as they sound, but still. They are not puffy sprouts, it turns out, but instead contain (correctly spelled this time) "Brussels sprout powder." Donated by Loser Daphne Steinberg. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 26; results published Sept. 15 in print, Sept. 12 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses the week's new contest and results. Check out this week's at wapo.st/conv1345 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *AT WITS' BLEND: NEW PORTMANTEAU WORDS FROM WEEK 1341* **In*Week 1341 the Empress asked for new portmanteau words, in which two words are mashed together, along with a description of the result. Because she did this contest years ago with words beginning with certain letters, this week's words had to begin with E through R. Which means no magnet for Marli Melton for "*Chrysanthemummy: The gift plant I've forgotten to water since last fall.""ƒ 4th place: *Exterminature: The EPA's new rallying cry. . /(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) / Even with just one Brussel, these snacks might be totally tasty. If you win them, let us know. (veganrobs.com) 3rd place: *Quacknowledgment: Inconspicuous disclaimer on a suspect supplement. "Gargling with Dr. Zo's fermented yak urine is not intended to treat, cure or prevent any disease."/(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / 2nd place and the "0.0" non-marathon auto decal : ** Forty-Fivan the Terrible: The worst leader Russia ever installed. /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)/ And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Random oddity: In the Civil War, a "Quaker gun" was a tree trunk made to look like a cannon. *Muellerotica:* "If we had confidence that the earth did not move or that an explosion did not erupt through her as every cell in her body screamed 'Yes!' we would have said so."/(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ Nitwitticisms: Honorable mentions *Eclair de lune: A midnight snack. /(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)/ *Electrickle: The rate at which your phone charges when you're in a hurry. (/Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.)/ *Epidermisery: The zit you got on the day of the prom. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/ *Erratatas: "I said I wanted them D-CUP size, not TEACUP size!" /(Danielle Nowlin)/ *Esophagusto: The verve of enthusiasm that produces a world-class belch. "Dad announced his presence with great esophagusto." /(Jesse Frankovich)/ *Frenchilada: A crepe topped with /fromage, sauce tomate/ and a sneer. /(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.; Mark Raffman)/ *Fubarista: Starbucks employee who never gets your order right. /(Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)/ *Garbagel:* A bagel not from New York. — Every New Yorker /(Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington)/ *Geronimoron: A bungee jumper who forgets the cord. /(Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)/ *Glamphibian: An elegant swamp-dweller. "Touring the detention facility in satin jodhpurs, the Cabinet secretary's wife looked positively glamphibious." /(Frank Osen)/ *Gonadvertising: Posting pictures of your junk. /(Jane Pacelli, Annandale, Va.)/ *Gorillama:* A 300-pound tree-dwelling camelid of South America that not only spits in your face but throws poop in it, too. /(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)/ *Gryffindork:* Anyone over 16 dressed in Harry Potter regalia. /(Mark Raffman)/ *G-Spotify:* Now offering unlimited streaming of Barry White songs. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ *Halfalfa: What miniature horses eat./(Ben Aronin, Washington)/ *HastyFreeze:* What happens to your brain when you scarf down the last of the ice cream rather than share it with your spouse who's pulling up in the driveway. /(Mike Burch, Nashville)/ *Hempiricism: The insistence on actually testing the medical claims for CBD. Also known as buzzkill. /(Stuart Anderson, Seattle, a First Offender)/ *Hindquartermaster: That pain-in-the-neck in charge of the office supply room./(Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) / *Instagramps:* Polaroid-sharing app. /(Frank Mullen III)/ *Interimbecile: The fill-in numskull who botches things up until a permanent idiot can be found to ruin everything./(Frank Mann, Washington)/ *Jackassuredness:* The dominant trait of that braggart at the bar. /(Chris Murphy, Germantown, Md., a First Offender) / *LeBrontë: Author of "6-8 Heights" and "Jane Eyre Ball."/(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) / *Legislatortoise: A lawmaker who slow-walks bills. "McConnell is Congress's leading legislatortoise." /(Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle) / *Lethargymnastics: Turning over on the couch to get the remote. /(Jesse Frankovich) / *Maledictionary:* Glossary of terms used by the president about Democrats, immigrants, the media and Rosie O'Donnell. /(Mark Raffman) / *Malapropaganda: Trump's stirring speech about George Washington's army taking over the airports. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / *Marathong: A sumo uniform. /(Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) / *Marvelousy:* How to describe a film with great special effects and horrible plot and acting. /(Stuart Anderson)/ *Mastodonald: Weird-haired beast previously thought to be extinct, currently masquerading as an elephant. /(Maggie Haring, Leesburg, Va.)/ *Mastiffany: A humongous engagement diamond. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ *Milkshakespearean: Someone who insists that Hamlet has to be white because he's Danish. /(Stuart Anderson)/ *Nemesisterhood: To Trump, the Squad./(Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) / *Newscasterisk: The scrolling banner at the bottom of the screen stating the truth vs. what the president just said. /(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) / *Normalodorous:* Reflecting a level of corruption and greed that isn't noteworthy anymore. "Cabinet members steering cash to family members is just the new normalodorous."/(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / *Partisanctimony:* The righteous attitude of those smug bastards on the other side of the political spectrum. /(Jesse Frankovich)/ *Pediatrickery: "You'll just feel a little sting, sweetie, and then Nurse Ratched will give you a sticker." /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)/ *Peekabooboo: A wardrobe malfunction. /(Frank Osen)/ *Persisterhood: Warren Women. (/Maggie Haring)/ *Pooperfume:* A scent so awful that they should have called it Chanel No. 2./(Chris Doyle)/ *Pundittos:* A whole panel of cable news talking heads all saying the same thing. /(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)/ *Purgency: The suddenness with which the toll of an all-night binge hits. /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)/ *Randomicile: The result of your 4-year-old helping to put things away. (/Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)/ *Refrigerater:* Consumer Reports' coldest critic. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ */And Last: /Empressentials: Must not have been published before, must rhyme flawlessly, yada yada yada . . . /(Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.)/ /And Even Laster: / Kvetchotchkes: Swag so crummy that you complain about getting it. Like Style Invitational "prizes." /(Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md., who clearly doesn't need a magnet)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 19: Our Limerixicon contest for limericks featuring a word beginning "gr-." See wapo.st/invite1344. *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1346, published August 25, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1346: AZ if — balancing acts A brand-new neologism contest. Plus the winning combo-abbrevs.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // August 22 (Click here to skip down to the winning abbreviation combos) *B-Y: Bolshy: A Russian ballet company whose dancers suffer from stage fright. /(Bob Staake)/ *H-S: Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.* /(Tom Witte, Week 278)/ *S-H: Suckotash: A dish of corn, lima beans and tofu. /(Russell Beland, Week 278)/ *M-N: Mucussion: The drastic result of overly strenuous nose-blowing.* /(Chris Doyle, Week 368)/ *M-N: Mushderloin: Result of a kick in the crotch. /(Stephen Dudzik, Week 156) / This week's contest was suggested to the Empress by the Royal Consort, who sleeps in on Sundays later than the E does these days. He was lying in bed, listening to the weekly Sunday Puzzle a few weeks ago on NPR's "Weekend Edition," and heard the answer to a challenge posed by listener Andy Blau: Think of a word that is "alphabetically balanced," or symmetrical: Its first and last letters are the same distance from the beginning and end of the alphabet; its second and second-to-last letters are, too; and so on. He suggested BEVY — B and Y; E and V. The winning word: WIZARD. How cool is that! It'd be insane to ask you to produce totally balanced words, but I think we could work it with the ends. This week:* Think of a /new /word or two-word phrase that begins and ends — either way — with one of these "alphabetically balanced" pairs, as in the examples above, most from earlier contests that happen to fit this week's parameters: *AZ, BY, CX, DW, EV, FU, GT, HS, IR, JQ (good luck!), KP, LO, MN* Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1346 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a /toiletklaver,/ or, as its Danish manufacturer translates it, "bathroom piano":* It's an electronic floor mat that you place in front of your commode so that you may tap out a tune — perhaps "Let It Go" — on the keyboard diagram. But can you do that /and /write Style Invitational entries in the same session? Try to find out. Donated by Loser Since Week 120 Roy Ashley. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 3* (aw, don't labor on Labor Day); results published Sept. 22 in print, Sept. 19 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Short Fuses" is by Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress'sweekly online column discusses the week's new contest and results. This week, an answer key to the Week 1342 results. See it at wapo.st/conv1346 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *SHORT FUSES: COMB. ABBREVS. FROM WEEK 1342* In Week 1342 we asked you to mash together two abbreviations. If you can't figure out some of the portmanteaus below — the Empress herself spent lots of hours puzzling over the 1,000-plus entries — check out this week's Style Conversational at *wapo.st/conv1346 for an answer key. 4th place: *J/KKK:* "Ha ha ha, of course I'm not racist! That was just a Halloween costume."/(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) / Why just sit there when you can tap out a jaunty tune? This week's second prize. 3rd place: *PhDD: Person who might have occasion to say, "Excuse me, my brain is up here." /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / 2nd place and the sarcasm sign andbutton: *WCCR:* The bathroom on the right./(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *UNICEFU:* "Every child's life is precious! . . . Oh, wait, those children aren't from here." /(Danielle Nowlin) / Short-term losses: Honorable mentions *AARPG:* The ultimate "get off my lawn" weapon. /(Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)/ *AARPM:* 45s, 33s and still a few 78s/. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / *AFL-CIOB/GYN:* For all your labor needs. /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)/ *NSFWH:* Warning stamp on federal agency documents containing facts./(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ *AT&T&A:* Its cellphone agreement page features lots of naughty pictures, but still no one reads it. /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / *BCCNN:* Default email setting of White House junior staffers that explains the continual "according to insiders" scoops. /(Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) / *BYOBNB:* Camping. /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)/ *CCCPAC:* Annual gathering of conservative activists and their Soviet supporters. /(Chris Doyle)/ *CRISPRBG:* The science that many Americans wish could keep the justice around forever. /(Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) / *CVSTFU:* "Customer Smathers to the pharmacy desk — your stool softeners are ready for pickup." /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ *DCAPTCHA: "Select all images with a corrupt, power-hungry liar." /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)/ *ETASAP:* "Get your butt in here /now!" / /(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)/ *ETATMI:* "I'll be there between 19 minutes 24 seconds and 21 minutes 7 seconds from now." /(Roy Ashley, Washington) / *FICOCD: Obsessively checking your credit score after every transaction./(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)/ *FOMOMG!: What teens suffer when they have to put their phones away. /(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)/ *FUBARNR:* Spring break./(Kerry Humphrey, Arlington, Va.)/ *GMOMG*: "Check out the size of those tomatoes!" /(Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.)/ *GOPDA:* Kissing the president's butt in full view of your constituents./(Jesse Frankovich)/ *HOVIP:* A clown car driver in the high-occupancy lane. /(Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)/ *IBMAGA: The company whose motto is "Don't think." /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) / *IMDBFF:* That one acquaintance you only invite to hang out on pub trivia nights. /(Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)/ **IRSVP*: "Please respond by April 15." /(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) / *LMAOB/GYN:* "Ha ha, look at the speculum! Doesn't it look like a duck? Quack, quack! Okay, get back to work, there, Mr. Duck!" /(Danielle Nowlin)/ *MSRPOTUS:* The going rate for emoluments. /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) / *NARAla: Uh, we've got some work to do. /(Sam Mertens)/ *NASAFTRA:* The dedicated men, women and FX artists who helped fake the moon landing./(Stephen Dudzik)/ *NFLOL:* "We're doing all we can to make the sport safer for the players." /(Mark Raffman)/ *NSFWD-40:* Lubricant for even more uses! /(April Musser Brand, Alpharetta, Ga.)/ *OB/GYNRA:* A group that supports shotgun weddings. /(Jesse Frankovich)/ *OMBDSM:* "We really, really love budget cuts — deep, sharp, stinging ones."/(Kevin Dopart)/ *401KO:* Effect of Trump's trade war on my retirement account. /(John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)/ *OMGCYA:* "Nobody wants to see you in that Speedo!"/(Jeff Strong, Fairfax, Va.)/ *RSVPS:* Announcing to your hosts that you'll also be bringing guests they did not invite. "RSVPS: Fido will be coming, too — don't worry, we'll bring carpet cleaner!" /(Kevin Dopart) / *SAT&T:* The new "open phone" exam. /(Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)/ *TMIHOP:* Telling the server that the Fresh 'N Fruity makes you Rooty Tooty. /(Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.) / *USUK: America and Britain issue a joint declaration to the rest of the world. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ *WTFIFA:* The 2022 World Cup in Qatar?/(Jim Derby, Rockville, Md.) / *WTFLOTUS?*: Wearing a pith helmet in Kenya? /(Bill Dorner)/ *YMCAARP: Favorite place of the Retirement Village People. /(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) / *YMCAT: Young men, a bunch of premeds/ I said young men, there's plenty of beds . . . /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ *YOLOTOH:* Better safe than sorry. /(Jesse Frankovich)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 26: Our contest for fake trivia about food. See wapo.st/invite1345 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1347, published September 1, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1347: Reologisms — we search for meaner meaning Describe terms like 'humortician' and 'Joan of Arkansas'; plus more 'woe' parodies(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // August 29 (Click here to skip down to the song parodies on "modern woes") Every year the Invitational runs several contests that ask readers to create new words (under various requirements) and define them, or show how they'd be used. Always, the Empress gets dozens of funny neologisms with funny definitions — and also always, some funny neologisms that made the E say, "There has to be /something/ better for this word." *This week: Write a clever, funny definition for any of the recent Loser-concocted words and names below, and/or show how they'd be used. NEW: Instead of the usual "Word: Definition" format, you may opt to describe the word first, then say something like: "This would be called a [word on the list]." Or you could present it in Q&A form: "What do you call a "¦?" Or even A&Q, a.k.a. Ask Backwards. The E just wants to give the best chance to these inkworthy words. As with any contest in which everyone's working with the same list, we'll surely get lots of entries with the same general idea, so it'll come down to the wording. And yes, if one of these words is yours, you can try again; the Empress doesn't remember who wrote them, anyway. /From Week 1333 (words that sound the same as existing words): / *Bankquet "— Canonbawl "— Cusstomer "— Exersighs "— Fauxbia "— Growtesque "— Lacksative "— Lewdicrous "— Mediochre "— Nahledge "— Quizine "—Sughgestion "— Veritabull * /From Week 1340 (plays on names): / Attila the Hon "— Bill DeBlasé* "— Captain Rehab "— Cardi O "— *F*** Scott Fitzgerald* "— Gen. William Tecumseh Charmin "— Genghis Cohen "— Henry David Thorough "— Horatio Algebra* "— Ikea Turner* "— *IMHOtep "— Joan of Arkansas "— John F. Kidney "— Kevin Costco "— *Lady Maga* "— Marco Pollo* "— Millard Feelmore "— Richard Outhouse Nixon* "— Rupert Nerdoch* "— Rutherford B. Hazy "— Samuel Morose "— *The Hardly Boys* "— The Right Brothers "— Thomas Uvula Edison "— Useless S. Grant /From Week 1341 (combinations of two words): / Congressence* "— *Egoliath "— Epigrammar* "— Feloony* "— Fiberserk* "— Flexicon* "— *Foreplaywright* "— Governmentality "— Humanemia "— Humdrummer "— *Humortician "— Kindergartenerd "— Mitcharade* "— Politicalisthenics * "— Prignoramus* "— Quarrelative* "— Recantankerous "— Robottleneck "— Rumortality* Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1347 (all lowercase). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a kind of perverted Mr. Potato Head called Mr. Turdy* . You actually form Mr. T yourself with the enclosed modeling clay, then stick on the appendages. Donated by Nan Reiner.** *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 9;* results published Sept. 29 in print, Sept. 26 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Malady Melodies" is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress'sweekly online column will return next week, but you can email her with questions at pat.myers@washpost.com. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *MALADY MELODIES: MORE PARODIES ON 'MODERN WOES' *So that the Empress could slip away from her domicile, Mount Vermin, and tour her dominion — she and the Royal Consort have been meeting up with several out-of-town Losers in various out-of-town locales as far away as Chicago — we skipped one contest and this week share more of the many inkworthy parodies from Week 1339, all on the theme of "modern woes." Click on the links in the titles to hear the songs the parodies are based on. *Modern woe: SHARK ATTACK* (To "Food, Glorious Food" from "Oliver!")* Food, glorious food! This swimmer or that one? I'm ravenous, dude — let's go for the fat one! My teeth are arranged in rows, conveniently double; One chomp and a swimmer knows He's in trouble! Keep eating all day (don't mind all the screeches)! Chow down before they start closing the beaches! Two arms and a leg to start (let's face it, they're screwed!) Oh, food, tasty fast food, soon-to-be chewed, glorious food! /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ *Modern woe: PHONE SPAM *I*. (To "Another Brick in the Wall" )* I don't need more interruptions, Keep your "low-rate" insta-loan. All this pitching has me twitching; Rachel, please don't call my phone. Hey! Rachel! Eat this dial tone! All in all, you're just another fake robocall. /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)/ II. (To "Operator") *Regulator, what can you do to stop these calls? See the number on my cellphone looks like my neighbor. I'm threatened with arrest and huge fines to be assessed. A guy tells me to pay now or face hard labor. Trump has cut your staff down to the bone. Can you get over that, And block all the spammers if you can find them, So I can stop auto-forwarding calls on my phone, Now that my caller's known, but if you can't do that, I will instruct those trolls to call some bureaucrat, Interrupting his meals, and /then /he'll know how it feels. /(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)/ *Modern woe: EVERYONE'S SO UNFAIR TO THE PRESIDENT* *(To "The Major-General's Song") I am the very model of a modern problem sufferer — No leader's first 900 days in office ever rougher were. The nations that I threaten aren't keen on just surrendering; The people on my staff excel at resignation-tendering. I'm always getting questions from reporters unprofessional; My conduct is reviewed by nosy oversight congressional. I couldn't do an interview without committing perjury; I'm surely fooling no one with my scalp reduction surgery. I work as hard as any really rich important fella works, And so I don't have time to figure out how an umbrella works. My golfing buddies say, "You are the quintessential duffer, sir." I am the very model of a modern problem sufferer! /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) / *Modern woe: DISILLUSIONMENT* /*(To "Just My Imagination" )* / Each day on the Fox News I listen as he tries to speak. I write in my blog, "I'm some kinda lucky freak "To have a man like him, It's like winning the Powerball! Out of all politicians in the world, Trump can fix it all." But it was just my miseducation, running away with me. In my zeal for the MAGA Nation, it bigly got away from me . . . Every night, on my couch, I pray: "Dear Lord, lookit, see? Don't let those lib'rals get up in here this-a-way or will we surely die. "Those satanic libertines, When their schemes ensnare us, There'll be a million guillotines!" But in reality, it was Fox just trying to scare us. Call it autointoxication, Running away with me, Ever since the inauguration, running away with me. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/ *Modern woe: CAMPAIGN PROMISES* *(To "The Candy Man" )* Who can serve a sunrise In a crunchy cone, Cover it in chocolate and forgive your student loan? The candidates! The candidates can! The candidates can 'cause they stir it up with love And make the future taste good. Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sigh, Add Medicare-for-all and make a Never-Orange Pie? The candidates! The candidates can . . . The candidates will make News that's never fake But satisfying and delicious! Grant your most progressive wishes! Cover preexisting condishes! Who can take tomorrow, spritz with Spanish quotes, Skirt around the sorrow and collect up all the votes? [Blurt out 20 names simultaneously] can! /(Steve Bremner, Philadelphia) / *Modern woe: COLLEGE ADMISSION FRAUD (To "Born in the U.S.A." ) *Ranked last in my high school class; Teachers told my parents that I'd never pass. Father knows best but Mom knew better, She even drafted my acceptance letter. Got . . . into USC; Mom bribed . . . Half of the faculty. She laid . . . Down lots of cold hard green, told them . . . I was the rowing queen . . . / (Frank Mann, Washington) / *Modern woe: FOOD POISONING (To "Born in the U.S.A." )* Got back from the dive in town; The illness struck and I was feelin' down. Wound up on all fours like a little pup, And I spent half the night just a-throwin' up. Borne in the food I ate! It was borne in the food I ate! Went to a little corner stand Where they put a taco in my hand. Sent me off to the bathroom, man, To go and fill the whole damn can . . . / (Jesse Frankovich) / *Modern woe: REVENGE PORN* *(To "Hey Jude" )* Hey! Nudes could come to light On a site for embittered exes, I hope you don't send them steamy stockpiles, Listing the files where all of our sex is. Bed-cam set to record, Vids were stored as we worshiped Venus, And now this misgiving's troubling my sleep: Has every creep on Pornhub now seen us? 'Cause often, when we got our kicks, I heard some clicks, Your camera was right there digitizing, 'Cause if that stuff gets passed around, I'll be renowned — I don't need co-workers fantasizing. Hey, dude, our thing is done, Had our fun — now, erase our nooky, It's better for both of us if they're gone — That back-hair lawn! You're like a Wookiee. (Wookiee, Wookie, Wookiee, Wo okiee, like a Wookiee, yeah!) /(Duncan Stevens) / Modern woe: FACEBOOK READS MY EMAIL * (To "Bad Bad Leroy Brown" )* Well I changed my Facebook status To "engaged", and suddenly, Well, the page was filled with tons of ads that shilled For the wedding industry/ Now, I could browse for DJ's, Honeymoon resorts, and yes, There were links to sites to order my invites And of course, the perfect dress. All those ads, ads, on my feed Selling me everything I need, Promised my special day Was merely a click away. But soon I wrote an email; It was private, so I thought; And I told my friend, "This is the end!" He was cheating. He got caught. It started up just minutes later, Splashed right across my laptop screen: "Hey there, you're single," "Get out and mingle," "Welcome to the dating scene" All those ads, ads, just for me Targeted so specifically; Internet, that's enough! Stop snooping in my private stuff! /(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) / *Modern woe: AUTO-FLUSH* *(to Amy Winehouse's"Rehab" )* They said use the automatic toilet, I said no, no, no. It's got its own mind, It watches my behind, you know, know, know. I ain't gonna let The stupid toilet get me wet If it tries to flush itself on me while I go, go, go. I'd rather stay at home all day And use one that won't spray 'Cause I'd rather just jiggle on the handle Than get an aquatic Roman candle. When I need to be sitting down It will shoot me with seltzer like a clown ... /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) / *Modern woe: OVERRATED HOTELS* (to "There's a Small Hotel" ) There's a small hotel where we stayed a spell To do a little celebrating. Had no minibar, WiFi, VCR. Bizarre it got a five-star rating. Looking out the window, we Could see that rain was pouring. Tried but failed ignoring next door's snoring. When we bid farewell to that small hotel, Our Yelp review was devastating. /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) / *Modern woe: DISAPPEARING REMOTE * /(To "Some Enchanted Evening") /| One enchanted evening, you will spy the clicker, You will spy the clicker across the family room But somehow you'll know, you'll know even then, That somehow you'll lose it again and again. One distressing evening, children will be laughing, You may hear them laughing across a cluttered room, And later that night, when they're put to bed, The sound of their taunting will ring in your head. Where did they hide it, you may never know; One thing's for certain: You're gonna miss your show. /(Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) / /See the first set of Week 1339 parodies atwapo.st/invite1343 . / *Still running — deadline Tuesday night, Sept. 3: Our contest for "alphabetically balanced" words. See wapo.st/invite1346 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1348, published September 8, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1348: Same Difference How is John Bolton's mustache like/unlike Einstein's tongue? Plus winning limericks.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // September 5 (Click here to skip down to the winning limericks featuring "gr-" words) *The difference between charred mollusk on a stick and the 50,000 people of Greenland: It's possible that Denmark would sell out the mollusk. *"— A hard Brexit* ** "— A bicycle built for 20* *"— Charred mollusk on a stick *"— The 50,000 people of Greenland *"— Albert Einstein's tongue* *"— Clown shoe Friday* *"— Will Shortz* *"— Jockey shorts* *"— Hand-marked ballots* *"— 50-yard-line Redskins tickets* *"— Bedbugs* *"— Boris Johnson's hair* *"— Russian dressing* *"— John Bolton's mustache* "— Sean Spicer doing the tango "— Avocado toast "— A dot matrix printer* It's our more or less annual contest in which we supply you a motley list of nouns and noun phrases — this time most of them were volunteered by members of the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook — and ask the Greater Loser Community to think up some clever, surprising connections among them, as it always manages to do. *This week: Explain humorously how any two or more of the items above are alike, different or otherwise connected, as in the example above. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1348 (no capitals in the Web address). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pink T-shirt brought back from Germany* by Loser Elden Carnahan with the famous photo of Albert Einstein laughingly sticking his tongue out . It's advertising the renowned bistro in Garmisch whose name isn't printable here but begins with "Mukke" and ends with a word that more or less rhymes with it. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 16;* results published Oct. 6 in print, Oct. 3 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week's results is by Tom Witte; Mark Raffman wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ ** DogGRel: 'Gr-' LIMERICKS FROM WEEK 1344* *Week 1344 was our 16th annual Limerixicon, in which we help out OEDILF.com — a project to create a whole dictionary in limerick form — by seeking limericks featuring a word from one sliver of the dictionary. And for the fifth year running, we're still on the G's. 4th place Aunt Elizabeth's gifts used to bore us Till she told us we'd get a thesaurus. We were thrilled past belief Till we found, to our grief, She had /not/ bought a dinosaur for us. /(David Smith, Stockton, Calif.)/ 3rd place "I'm the richest, with all the best clout!" Crowed the Prez. "Folks keep talking about All the profits I've grossed*!" Sighed his wife, "Darling, most Are just saying you're grossing* them out." /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) / 2nd place and the World's Smallest Men's Swimsuit : In the churches of Santo Domingo You will find no more popular gringo* Than the cardinal who May one day be the new Holy Father: Pope John Paul George Ringo. /(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) / And the winner of the Lose Cannon: At his rallies, they*gripe* by design 'Bout the other-hued folks they malign. Though the Prez doesn't drink, It is easy to think He's a very big fan of white whine. / (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / Grimmer 'ricks: Honorable mentions To tell me "You're pregnant!" is rude. I get comments and queries most crude. For beer I am avid, So my gut sticks out "*gravid."* But don't ask when I'm due — I'm a dude. /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) / It's grotesque:* Trump sends tweet after tweet, With supremacist comments replete. Does he send these from bed? 'Cause it seems, from what's said, That these thoughts come from under a sheet. /Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) / A New Mexican tourist named Sheila Was attacked by a lizard near Gila. Though grotesque* is the swelling, The discomfort she's quelling With a couple of shots of tequila. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)/ Some contend that impeachment makes sense, But I'm not on the side of the fence That believes this morass could be Solved or the grass would be *Greener* with President Pence. /(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)/ // "Here's a stock that's made folks millionaires," Said two techies while peddling shares To The Fridge, Jim McMahon, And Mike Ditka — a plan That Chicago called "Geeks Grifting* Bears." (/Chris Doyle) / For birthdays that come in two weeks I've bought Spartan friends just what each seeks: Admission for each To a cool nudist beach. I love giving gifts baring*Greeks.* /(Beryl Benderly, Washington) / //"Your stomach's the way to your heart," Says my wife as I wolf down a tart. *Grinning back, I reply, "You are aiming too high" And suggest an alternative part. /(Stephen Gold, London) / Will Brexit occur? Let's just wait And hope that, whatever its fate, At the end of the day We will still get to say That Britain somehow remains Great*. /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) / My new website does not get much traffic, It's erotica (straight, gay and Sapphic). There's no pix, only prose — And the ratings disclose That reviewers say: it's "poor: no graphic.*" /(Mark Raffman)/ She escaped the witch, showing her mettle, But her brother's in not-so-fine fettle: Grew a long, grasping* tail While the hag brewed her ale. They're now known as "Prehensile and Gretel.*" /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / After hiking o'er hills and o'er dales, Said the campers: "Good night; happy trails!" Said the bear: "What a scent! It's a meal-in-a-tent!" (I will spare you the*grizzly* details.) /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ If you're tempted to kiss or embrace A stranger whose beauty and*grace* Make her hard to resist, Don't do it! Her fist Just might land in a delicate place. /(Madeleine Begun Kane, New York)/ *Grotesqueries* suddenly seem To have broken the bounds of a dream. Nightmares are one thing, But we wake to our Sun King, Who makes*"grossly"* seem quite un-extreme. /(Rick Foucheux, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender)/ When the markets are tanking, he growls, His face twisted with hideous scowls. But to say "It's on me" Is a thing we won't see Cause the blame (he will claim) is all Powell's . /(Frank Mann, Washington)/ The young suitor was hot for the game, But the lass thought his moves were just lame When a kick to the groin* Did his ardor enjoin, That's how "her-knee-ya" first got its name. /(Mark Raffman)/ The doubters should think about how Things'll be much more peaceful than now If the liberal crew Gets their Green New Deal* through, 'Cause they won't allow having a cow. /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) / Ride a bike — don't consume gasoline! Stop your AC and washing machine! Now we all can confirm it: That message from Kermit Was true — it's no cinch bein' green*. /(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) / It may strike you as strange, but it's true: When you breathe you exhale CO2. And so it might be That some bush or some tree *Grew a branch from what came out of you. /(Robert Schechter) / With the grass* growing fast near the sewer The homeowner sought out a chewer. It's now all in hand: A cow's in command — An efficiently working lawn mooer. / (Kevin Ahern, Corvallis, Ore.)/ Since the diva had slept in a crouch On a too-tiny rollaway couch, She came on like a meanie, Which suited Puccini, Who'd cast her as Tosca the*Grouch. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ I groom what is left of my hair; Long ago, /magnifique! /No compare! But tresses sublime Fall away over time. Now I'm left here with only a pair. /(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) / Oscar Wilde, in a Bangkok cafe, Caught a whiff of a fruit in decay That gave rise to a dread Of putrescence and led To "The Picture of Durian Gray.*" /(Chris Doyle) / *And Last: Chris at 3: "Dolly, send in the clone!" Of Kate Moss: "Does she read Rolling Stone?" His wordplay's precocious, His puns are ferocious; We're braced for the day he's full groan.* — Mr. & Mrs. Doyle /(Duncan Stevens) / *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 9: our contest to come up with funny definitions for some brand-new words we supply. See wapo.st/invite1347 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1349, published September 15, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1349: Revise and extend these remarks Playing with the Congressional Record; plus winning fake trivia about food(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // September 12 (Click here to skip down to this week's winning food fictoids) */Quote from the Congressional Record: / The Chair recognizes the gentleman from Georgia.* /Question it might answer:/ " Yo, La-Z-Boy, who do you think left those peach pits and pork rinds in your cushions? *A. The Chair recognizes the gentleman from Georgia.* Q. "Hey, Mr. Chairman, do you know who I am with this shoe polish on my face?" As Congress returned to "work" a few days ago after its summer recess, we thought it a good time to check in. This week's contest — a variant on our perennial Questionable Journalism challenge — was suggested by the Empress's Royal Consort, whose job often calls for him to nod off while trying to peruse the Congressional Record, the daily transcript (with substantial revisions and additions) of each day's proceedings in the House and Senate. In our less than perfectly transparent federal government, we do have the ability to read the CR online, via a searchable PDF file for each day's sessions. This week's contest: Go to congress.gov/congressional-record and click on the PDF for any day's Congressional Record — House, Senate or the whole thing, or the Daily Digest; choose any sentence (or substantial part of one) and write a question that it could answer,* as in the examples above. Please note which transcript you're using (and its date) so that the E could search for your sentence, were she so inclined. You may use any line in the whole document, even the bogus "revise and extend my remarks" fluff that the members add to please some constituent group or another. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1349 (no capitals in the Web address). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a highbrow — in the sense that you put it high on your brow — game called Poop Hoop. *This fine product distinguishes itself from other basketball-net-on-head games in two ways: (a) People toss not little foam basketballs but "poop emoji balls;" and (b) there's a little toilet seat you can lower onto the net's rim to increase the poo-toss challenge (of course the two positions are labeled "No. 1" and "No. 2"). If your boss has been lamenting, "Our office is entirely too dignified and professional," you'll have an immediate remedy to offer, you brown-nose. Donated by Marleen May. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 23;* results published Oct. 13 in print, Oct. 10 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Gulp Fiction" was submitted by both Tom Witte and Jon Gearhart; Duncan Stevens wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *GULP FICTION: FOOD FICTOIDS FROM WEEK 1345 *In*Week 1345,* The Style Invitational continued its campaign of bad-journalist disinformation with some food fictoids. 4th place: Before the late 20th century, heirloom tomatoes* were called "deformed tomatoes." /(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) / 3rd place: If a regular basketball hoop on your head seems too serious, we have this week's second prize. In Aramaic,*"manna"* means "bird poop."/(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / 2nd place and the'Brussel Sprout Puffs' : *Baby carrots must be at least eight weeks old before they are harvested away from adult carrots. (/Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) / And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Pickled beef tongue can taste you back. /(Byron Hoover, Stafford, Va., a First Offender)/ Nom-nom-nominees: Honorable mentions *McDonald's top-selling burger in Europe* is the .1134 Kiloer. /(Mike Phillips, Washington) / *Trump Steaks* failed because of the difficulty in pairing them with the proper ketchup. /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) / The word "*cafeteria"* originated as a combination of "cafe" and "diarrhea."/(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)/ *LaCroix is French for "the faucet."/(J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)/ After eating a slice of American pie,* most people are happy for a while. /(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) / *An apple a day does indeed keep the doctor away if accurately thrown. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *Cauliflower* is actually a form of whitened broccoli; its distinct flavor is caused by the bleach./(Barrett Swink, Gainesville, Va.)/ Consumer advocates have filed suit to force growers of Red Delicious apples* to change the variety's name to Red. /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / In 2016, Ben & Jerry's across the South sold a special-edition ice cream flavor named Butter Emails. /(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) / *In England, Lay's Potato Chips are called Shag's Crisps. /(Bill Dorner)/ In the Southern Hemisphere, upside-down cake is called right-side-up cake. /(Ben Aronin, Washington)/ Also in the Southern Hemisphere, M & M's are called W & W's. /(Dean Alterman, Lake Oswego, Ore.)/ Inspired by the*Imperfect Produce delivery service, trendy restaurants are opening with such names as Crappy Value, Interminable Wait, and Tiny Portions./(Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.)/ Nabisco created what would become its biggest-selling cookie in honor of chef John Oreo, who in 1912 was tragically squashed between two manhole covers./(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) / Scientists are working on*Impossible Tofu,* an all-meat product for people on a paleo diet. /(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)/ The easiest way to tell the difference between bison and buffalo* is that bison don't have wings./(Hildy Zampella)/ There's really only a*single fruitcake joke in the world, and people keep telling it back and forth. /(Sam Mertens)/ A new interrogation method at Guantanamo involves feeding a suspect a single potato chip. /(Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)/ At a state dinner in Moscow,* President Trump most enjoyed the serving of Russian chickpeas. /(Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.)/ *Bacon* is actually made entirely out of plants. No, really, it is. — Vegetarians /(Terry Reimer, Frederick, Md.) / Biblical historians have now determined that Lot's wife* was actually turned into an anchovy. /(Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) / Long ago, cocaine* used to contain Coca-Cola. /(Byron Hoover) / *In Canada, it's customary for waitstaff to tip customers as a way to thank them for dining there. /(Neal Starkman, Seattle)/ The German word /Oktober/ translates to "over eight," which is why attendees at Munich's Oktoberfest are each expected to drink nine bottles of beer./(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) / In the Australian Outback, a quick substitute for Vegemite is sometimes made by mixing yeast extract with axle grease. /(Dave Letizia, Pinehurst, N.C.)/ Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream is actually 30 percent baboon. /(Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.)/ Also, ladyfingers* contain 92 percent lady, but only 17 percent fingers. /(Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)/ Many older French people are still miffed that vichyssoise pairs just a bit too well with Rhine wine. /(Brendan Beary) / McDonald's has developed a genetically modified chicken* that is notable for its oversize nuggets./(David Stonner, Washington)/ Most mass-produced pumpkin spice flavorings* include proprietary ratios of nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, allspice, crack cocaine and ground cloves. /(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)/ The*Maxwell House* Hotel in Nashville has never hosted a Seder. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / There are more Denny's restaurants* than people actually named Denny. /(Michael Schwartz, Montgomery Village, Md., a First Offender)/ Sales of*B & M Baked Beans quadrupled after the brand added the ampersand/. (Larry Yungk, Wyoming, Ohio)/ Inspired by the song "Yankee Doodle,"* American colonists often wore pasta in their hats./(Duncan Stevens)/ Studies have shown that not eating your vegetables is a leading cause of not growing up tall and strong like Daddy. /(Stuart Anderson, Seattle)/ The best*spaghetti bushes grow in the Spaghi Region of Italy, on the Adriatic Coast. /(Tanja Cilia, Santa Venera, Malta) / Eating large quantities of fast food every day provides enough *retina-thickening cholesterol to allow you to** look directly at a solar eclipse .* /** (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) / After the FTC challenged its health claims,*Rice-a-Roni had to shorten its original slogan: "The San Francisco Treatment for Constipation." /(Larry Yungk)/ The soup-and-sandwich combo was invented in 1763 by the Earl of Soupandsandwich. /(Jesse Frankovich) / There is no documented evidence that anyone in the United States has ever accidentally slipped on a banana peel. /(Rick Haynes) / While the*Pilgrims' first Thanksgiving with local Wampanoag tribe did not feature turkey, it did include copious amounts of waterfowl, venison, lobster, berries, squash and fortune cookies. /(Chris Murphy, Germantown, Md.) / **The street name for quaaludes* in Philadelphia is"pudding pops." /(Kevin Dopart)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 16: our perennial compare/contrast contest. Seewapo.st/invite1348 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1350, published September 22, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1350: Find inspo in new dictionary words Write a poem with the latest from Merriam-Webster. Plus winning neologisms. "Hidden Figures" is a film that passes the Bechdel Test with astronomical colors. "Bechdel Test" is one of more than 500 new terms recently added to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary. (Hopper Stone/20th Century Fox) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // September 19(Click here to skip down to the winning "balanced neologisms" from Week 1346) *As a man, the Bechdel Test I praise:* *Sexist movies we must fix!* *Our consciousness we have to raise *And stop demeaning you cute chicks. Even if you don't want it to, you stubborn fool, the English language continues inexorably to grow and change. And few have monitored those changes as precisely as our pals at Merriam-Webster, who've just issued a list of some three dozen (why not/all,/ the Empress couldn't tell you) of the more than 500 terms and new meanings they've added in recent months to their dictionary at m-w.com . (Some have been around for years but just now managed to charm their way into the editors' hearts.) And so, for the second year running: Write a poem of eight lines or fewer featuring one or more of these recent additions to m-w.com, as in the example above by the totally woke humor columnist Gene Weingarten on the Bechdel test, which checks whether a movie contains a conversation between two women that's not about a man, as well as other feminist criteria. Because we last did this contest a year ago, we'll also include some words that were added this past April. *NOTE: The terms must be used as they're defined in the new m­-w.com listings. For instance, a poem on "inking" needs to refer to tattoos; it can't be only about being published in The Style Invitational. The words below each have a link to M-W's full definition; my Style Conversational column (wapo.st/conv1350 , published late Thursday, Sept. 19) lists the definitions so you won't have to click on each word. Or you can go straight to m­-w.com . *aphantasia* *Bechdel Test* *coulrophobia* *cross-sell* *cynophobia* *dad joke* *deep state* *escape room* *fabulosity* *fatberg* *free solo* *haircut (financial) *inclusive (race, gender, etc.) *inflection point* *inking (tattooing) *inspo* *lumberjack shirt* *matcha* *pain point* *rebrand* *rhotic *sesh* *skeezy* *stinger (movie scene) *tallboy* *tix* *unpack* (analyze) *upsell* *vacay* /Announced in April: / *buzzy* *EGOT* *bug-out bag* *stan *snowflake (sensitive person) *swole* *screen time* *unplug (from technology) *garbage time* Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1350* (no capitals in the Web address). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives Hula Bird, a grass-skirted, lei-wearing, uke-strumming dashboard bobble-body of the Baltimore Orioles mascot, looking generally offensive to a wealth of sensibilities. Donated by whoever in The Post's sports section left it on a table with a big Post-it saying "FREE." Which by amazing coincidence exactly fits the Style Invitational second-prize budget. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 30;* results published Oct. 20 in print, Oct. 17 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "AlphabeteeZ" is by Dave Prevar: Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter — this week, we define all the new terms — check it out at wapo.st/conv1350 . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . AlphabeteeZ: The 'balanced' neologisms of Week 1346* **In Week 1346 we asked you to coin a word that was "alphabetically balanced," in that its first and last letters were equidistant from the beginning and end of the alphabet: a word beginning with A and ending with Z, or B-Y, C-X, etc. — or Z-A, Y-B, etc. The Empress received some /totally /balanced words as well: The best of those was by Jesse Frankovich: Biwizardry:* Extreme skill in two things. As in: "A world-class expert at both bragging and lying, the president demonstrates unparalleled biwizardry." 4th place: *Gladjacent:* Nearly happy. "Mom! I'm so glad you called "¦ well, let's say I'm gladjacent."/(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)/ Strumming the uke better than the O's are swinging a bat. 3rd place: *Buyintology:* Pseudo-religious cult where you have to sign over your life savings to join. /(Raymond Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) / 2nd place and the 'bathroom piano' toilet mat: *Brexity* is the soul of witlessness. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ And the winner of the Lose Cannon: The first lady gets some J-tranq in Biarritz. (See Steve Smith's and Roger Dalrymple's honorable mention.) (Pool/Reuters) *G7-1 split: When the kingpin thinks the rest of the pins are lined up behind him, but in fact they're in the corner having a laugh at his expense./(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)/ Wit's enD: Honorable mentions *Nausoleum:* FedEx Field. /(Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) / *Eff-You-V:* A Hummer. /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)/ *J-tranq: The calming effect of Justin Trudeau's gaze on those who have endured great suffering. "After the long flight to Biarritz with President Trump, Melania was desperate for a little J-tranq."/(Steve Smith; Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)/ *Hostilettos: High heels that are out to get your feet. /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) / *Supercalifragilisticexpialidoc-ish: Amazingly wonderful, more or less. /(John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)/ *Hill-gotten gains: What lobbyists seek. /(Jesse Frankovich)/ /Another totally balanced term — H-S, I-R, V-E, E-V, L-O: / Hive lovers: Staffers who really enjoy a late night in their office cubicles. /(Mark Deakin, Reston, Va., a First Offender) / *Bezosexy:* What you'd call a man who looks like a hundred billion dollars./(Steve Smith)/ AdChoices ADVERTISING *Dorkscrew: To stand up a blind date on looks alone. "I walked in, took one look, and dorkscrewed him before he even saw me through his taped-up glasses." /(Bob Kurlantzick, Potomac, Md.) / *Fauxbeau:* Someone you introduce to your matchmaking mother to keep her off your case. /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)/ /*Hippocrampus:* /Brain freeze./(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) / *Okaysional*: Acceptable once in a while. /(Raymond Gallucci)/ *Irkolator:* A maddeningly slow coffee maker. /(Stuart Anderson, Seattle)/ *JokeBBQ:* Ribs served in some other part of the country. /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) / *Lollipoo:* Even state fairs won't put THAT on a stick. /(Frank Mann, Washington) / *Mafiadon: Prehistoric creature whose bones are sometimes found in the swamps of New Jersey, many with broken knees. /(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)/ *Mitchagain:* Kentucky's nickname, according to frustrated Democrats. /(Frank Mann)/ *Nerdy napalm: Inflammatory remarks like "Picard is better than Kirk," which we ALL KNOW IS FALSE! /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ *Oedipol*: A man who would do even you-know-what, if it would get him elected. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ *Potlick:* A rather undignified approach to a church supper./(Duncan Stevens)/ *Preak: An oddball who goes to a racetrack to enjoy the infield mud. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington; Jim Derby, Rockville, Md.)/ *Vuvuzelophone: The most unpopular marching band instrument ever. /(Jeff Contompasis) / *Wonderspread:* Guaranteed in 14 days with the Sugary White Sandwich Bread diet! /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *Xenofrantic:* Eek! Here come the tired! The poor! The non-WASP! Lock them up! /(Adrienne Cadik, Alexandria,Va., a First Offender) / *Bluffoonery:* A White House news conference./(Kevin Dopart) / *Galpost:* Expectation that changes when women attain it. "Ms. Clinton, you're much more qualified and knowledgeable than your opponent, so we're going to move the galposts and demand that everyone want to have a beer with you." /(Duncan Stevens) / *Stable-ish: Describing somebody , a genius perhaps, who's quite consistent and reliable except when they're totally not. /(Sam Mertens)/ *Potusk:*A city in Russia from which American presidential elections are conducted. /(Stuart Anderson)/ *Orbán renewal:* Ridding neighborhoods of undesirable elements, such as universities, journalists, anyone who criticizes you, etc. /(Daniel Horner, Washington)/ *Bullaby:* What a politician sings to get a baby to sleep. "When we pass breaks, then taxes will fall, and down will come riches, trickling to all." /(Jesse Frankovich)/ *Ménage à un:* Think this when your weird roommate brags about his "threesome with twins." /(Chris Doyle)/ *Brophecy: "I dunno, dude, I don't think three kegs are gonna be enough for all four quarters "¦"/(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) / *Troubleshooing:* $130K keeps the tattler away. /(Gary Crockett)/ *Happenis:* The joy of well-endowment, I imagine. /(Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) / *Kvetchup:* "Ugh, store brand? I'm not putting that on my burger!" /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *Brexity:*Ill-informed, chaotic and predictably disastrous. "Mooning the judge prior to sentencing sure was a brexity move."/(Sam Mertens)/ *Zensylvania:* The most peaceful state. (The northwestern part is so calm it's Erie.) (/Jesse Frankovich/) /And Almost Last:/ Putink: The Style Invitational has been infiltrated by the Russians!/(Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.)/ /And Last: / Tantalosing:* Coming thiiiiis close to getting ink. /(Brendan Beary)/ /And Even Laster: / Neologisn'tm:* One of the thousands of new-word ideas providing flooring material for the Empress's cutting room. /(Gary Crockett)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 23: Our contest featuring the Congressional Record. See wapo.st/invite1349 . *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1351, published September 29, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1351: What concept will you be for Halloween? Give us timely costume ideas (or actual photos). Plus 'humortician' and other neologisms.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // September 26 (Click here to skip down to this week's winning neologisms) *Bury yourself in a pile of raincoats and umbrellas and be an Alabama hurricane victim. *Be a Trump national security adviser: Just change costumes every 10 minutes.* *Throw a Democratic primary Halloween party: a bash jammed with so many people, they all get half a piece of candy each and have to yell to be heard. When the results of this contest run, four weeks from now, it'll be the weekend before Halloween. So here's an incentive to put a Loserly spin on the holiday: Give us a creative, clever idea for a timely Halloween costume (for one or more people) or an idea for a party or other activity, either feasible or not so much, as in the examples above provided by Invite Obsessive Duncan Stevens along with his suggestion of this contest. You may even send us a photo of an actual new costume you've created this year, so the Empress will extend the usual contest deadline by a week; you have until Oct. 14. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1351* (no capitals in the Web address). If you have more than one photo to submit, please use a separate entry form for each photo. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a belly pack that looks like a white man's hairy belly, modeled below by Loser Drew Bennett, who donated it. (The Empress has no idea whether it looks like Drew's actual bodily gut, and we'll leave it that way.) It's actually a high-quality bag, with durable straps and zippers and such. Wearing it as a fanny pack might be even more interesting. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday, Oct. 14;* results published Oct. 27 in print, Oct. 24 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Redo Unto Others" is by Jon Gearhart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1351. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Redo unto others: The 'reologisms' of Week 1347 In*Week 1347, the Empress rounded up a list of zingy neologisms and name-puns that had been entered in earlier contests but needed better descriptions — and asked the whole Loser Community to help. It delivered, as you'll see below. Too many people to credit suggested that Marco Pollo met General Tso while crossing the Silk Road* and that Richard Outhouse Nixon really needed plumbers.* 4th place: *Mediochre: The color of the fifth-place ribbon./(David Peckarsky, Tucson) / Loser Drew Bennett modestly hides his rock-hard abs behind this week's prize bag. 3rd place: A. The Right Brothers.* Q. Who invented the mansplane? /(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) / 2nd place /and the Mr. Turdy modeling clay kit:/ *Lady Maga: The new name that Ken Cuccinelli is planning for the Statue of Liberty. /(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)/ And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Get flabby abs instantly with NO exercise! This week's 2nd prize. (Rayki) *Captain Rehab:* His saga opens: "Call me Ishmael." "Hiiii, Ishmael."/(Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) / Def warmed over: Honorable mentions *Genghis Cohen:* The most fearsome ruler ever to live, except for his mother./(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *Attila the Hon:* History's least menacing Baltimorean, until the 2019 Orioles came along./(Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) / *Bill DeBlasé:* Meh-yor of New York City./(Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) / After you've navigated three phone menus to get a live person, only to be told to call back during normal business hours, you might well become a*cusstomer.* /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *Exersighs:* What you let out when touching your toes becomes touching your knees./(Mark Raffman) / *Exersighs:* A delicate term for farting during a gym workout, as in "Pardon my exersighs." /(Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) / A. F*** Scott Fitzgerald. *Q. Who wrote "Tinder Is the Night?"/(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / A. Gen. William Tecumseh Charmin*. Q. Who captured Atlanta but lost the Battle of Bull Runs? /(Frank Mann, Washington) / A. Gen. William Tecumseh Charmin.* Q: Who was number two in his class at West Point?/(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)/ *Gen. William Tecumseh Charmin:* Famous for tracking down and taking revenge on Montezuma. /(Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.)/ *Gen. William Tecumseh Charmin: By the time he reached Georgia, he was on a roll! /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / *Genghis Cohen:*"One of my 16 million descendants would be just perfect for your granddaughter!" /(Jesse Rifkin) / A. Horatio Algebra.* Q. Who wrote his rags-to-riches stories according to this formula: "X < Y; X impresses Y; Y rewards X; X = Y"? (/Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) / How deadpan are his jokes? They're so deadpan we call him the *humortician.// /(David Peckarsky) / *Humortician:* That oh-so-helpful comedy expert who analyzes why your joke wasn't funny./(Neal Starkman, Seattle; Jeff Contompasis) / *Humortician:* Someone who can turn a FUNERAL into REAL FUN. /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)/ *Ikea Turner: This pop singer's birth name was Allen Wrench. /(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) / *IMHOtep:* "With all due respect, mighty Pharaoh, I think the wide part of the pyramid should go at the bottom."/(Jesse Frankovich) / *Joan of Arkansas* was Bill Clinton's earliest known girlfriend, until she burned his steak./(Alan Duxbury, Carlisle, Pa.) / A. John F. Kidney.* Q. Who said, "'Ich bin ein Uriner!" /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) / A.*Kevin Costco. *Q*. Who said, "If you build it, they will come and purchase a ginormous jar of olives?"/(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) / *Kindergartenerd:* "Spell 'cat'? Would you give me the etymology, please?"/(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)/ If you carry your crayons in a pocket protector, you might be a *kindergartenerd.* /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.; Jesse Frankovich) / *Kindergartenerd:* A first-year Cub Scout who already has his eyes on becoming a Dweebelo ./(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) / *Kindergartenerd:* A kid who writes out the chord progressions of "Baby Shark." /(Jesse Frankovich)/ A. Lady Maga.* Q. Who sings "Suborn This Way?" /(Jeff Contompasis) / *Lewdicrous:* How to describe crotchless bike shorts. /(David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)/ *Marco Pollo:* A game in which two blindfolded players swim toward each other until one swerves. /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) / A. Marco Pollo.* Q. What do you call a Florida senator who is afraid to debate? /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / *Mediochre:* A color slightly more intense than mehcru, but not as vivid as insipia. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/ *Politicalisthenics:* Lots of pushing and pulling that ends with dips doing squat. /(Jesse Frankovich) / *Quizine: "I see that you have taken a bite! How IS everything? "¦ Yes, of course you can finish chewing "¦ So, is everything AMAZING?" /(Danielle Nowlin) / A. Richard Outhouse Nixon.* Q. Who stunned the world by meeting with Mao Tse-Dung?/(Beryl Benderly, Washington) / *Richard Outhouse Nixon:* Even /his/ presidency smelled better than Donald "John" Trump's./(Mark Raffman) / *Rupert Nerdoch: Guy who is unlikely to land a 21st-century fox. /(Danielle Nowlin) / *Samuel Morose*: "Dots and dashes are fine, but what a disappointment that I never found a way to transmit a smiley face." /(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) / *Samuel Morose:* Whose favorite song was taps?/(Kevin Dopart) / *The Hardly Boys: A pair of amateur sleuths who've been solving crimes since 1927. (/Jonathan Jensen) / A. The Hardly Boys.* Q. Who were the main characters in "The Mystery of the Eunuchs' Tunics?"/(Harold Mantle) / A. Thomas Uvula Edison. Q. Who invented, you know, that "¦ thingy? (/Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) / *Thomas Uvula Edison*: The Gizzard of Menlo Park. /(Bob Kruger) / *Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for poems based on new dictionary words. See wapo.st/invite1350. *DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1352, published October 6, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1352: Hee-rotica Write a steamy scene for a non-steamy situation. Plus winning compare/contrasts.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers close Image without a caption Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email Email Bio Bio Follow Follow Oct. 3, 2019 at 10:23 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winners of our recurring compare/contrast contest) *"As a bearded barista pours my coffee, he discreetly reaches below the counter. My eyes can't help but follow his hand — down, down — until, to my delight, he pulls out his big, bulging carton of oat milk. 'I was hiding this from the other customers,' he tells me, with a wink. 'But you can have as much as you want.' " *"I find a lunch in Midtown* that costs less than ten dollars. 'Yes!' I cry out. 'Oh, God, yes!' The cashier hands me a surprisingly substantial sandwich." This week's contest was inspired by "Sexual Fantasies of Everyday New Yorkers," a recent humor piece in the online New Yorker by Mark Cognata, and shared with the Empress by Always-on-the-Lookout Loser Daphne Steinberg. Let's broaden Mark's idea.*This week: Write a short steamy scene (100 words would be considered long) about a non-steamy event,* as in the vignettes above from Mark's article. You might want to attribute the scene to a relevant person: An accountant? A plumber? Mitch McConnell? Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1352* (no capitals in the Web address). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, apropos of this week's hot-'n'-heavy contest, receives Undies for Two, a polyester bikini that might have just two kinis, but it has four leg holes; the idea is that two (thin) people somehow wriggle into it facing each other, supposedly in anticipation of ensuing high jinks, though I'm not sure how the wearers would actually /move./ Donated (new, yes) by Style Invitational Devotee Kathleen Delano, then declined — can you believe it! — by whoever "won" it when I first offered it a year ago. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday, Oct. 14;* results published Nov. 3 in print, Oct. 31 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "In Snark Contrast" is by Bill Dorner; Gary Crockett, Kevin Dopart and Jeff Contompasis all submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1352. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . In snark contrast: Report from Week 1348 *Week 1348* was the latest of our perennial compare/contrast contests: The Empress supplied a list of 17 random objects, and the Loser Community had to explain how any two were similar or different. Submitted too frequently: The difference between Sean Spicer doing the tango and crossword guru Will Shortz: Only one doesn't have a clue. And how are Redskins tickets like a dot matrix printer?* They were last desirable in 1992. 4th place: *A dot matrix printer: You get to watch it make a lot of noise and print. Fifty-yard-line Redskins tickets:* You get to watch them make a lot of noise and punt. /(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) / 3rd place: *Clown Shoe Friday:* Flopsy. Boris Johnson's hair:* Mopsy.*Jockey shorts:* Cotton tail./(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) / 2nd place /and the German T-shirt with Einstein sticking his tongue out : / *Charred mollusk on a stick* and Sean Spicer doing the tango:* Each could be described as a slug with a stick up its butt, but only the mollusk would be described as well done./(Mary McNamara, Washington) / And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *A hard Brexit* and*Jockey shorts: Two things we hope we never see Boris Johnson pull off. /(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) / Poor relations: Honorable mentions *Sean Spicer doing the tango* and a hard Brexit:* For the tango, /everyone/ voted "leave." /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / //How are a hard Brexit* and avocado toast the same? Both are toast./(Steve Smith, Potomac; Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) / *Charred mollusk on a stick:* Oyster gets skewered. A hard Brexit:* Ulster gets skewered. /(David Peckarsky, Tucson) / With a hard Brexit,* you're done with the E.U. With*Sean Spicer doing the tango, you're just getting started with the eeewww "¦ /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *A hard Brexit: Bye-bye, E.U.! Jockey shorts*: By and by, P.U.! /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ *A hard Brexit* and Boris Johnson's hair:* There's no parting in sight. /(J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) / *A bicycle built for 20* and Boris Johnson's hair:* It would be preferable to get rid of 90 percent of both./(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / The difference between a bicycle built for 20* and Sean Spicer doing the tango:* The first has 18 more left feet./(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / *A bicycle built for 20* and Will Shortz:* With both, you'll often see 20 down./(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / *A bicycle built for 20* and Jockey shorts:* With both, telltale skid marks can indicate an internal mechanical problem./(Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) / The main difference between a charred mollusk on a stick and John Bolton's mustache:* the stick. /(Warren Tanabe)/ *John Bolton's mustache* and the 50,000 people of Greenland:* With both, lots of Danish tend to be sprinkled throughout. /(Frank Osen)/ What do the 50,000 people of Greenland* call a bicycle built for 20?* Mass transit./(Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md., a First Offender) / *The 50,000 people of Greenland vs. charred mollusk on a stick:* The former could be called Denmark's Ultra-cool Hicks; the latter is an anagram of that. /(Jesse Frankovich) / *Clown Shoe Friday and 50-yard-line Redskins tickets:* The Redskins usually play on Sunday. /(Duncan Stevens) / *Clown Shoe Friday and Boris Johnson's hair: Both are likely to be accompanied by nonsensical antics and a big red nose. /(Duncan Stevens/) The difference between Will Shortz* and 50-yard-line Redskins tickets:* With Shortz, you'll eventually get to see a solution to the weekly problem. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ *Will Shortz* and 50-yard-line Redskins tickets:* With the first, you spend Sunday morning; with the second, you spend Sunday mourning./(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) / *Clown Shoe Friday* vs. Sean Spicer dancing the tango:* More people would want to observe Clown Shoe Friday./(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring) / *Jockey shorts:* tighty-whiteys. Bedbugs:* mitey-biteys./(Chris Doyle) / *Jockey shorts* and Boris Johnson's hair:* Jockey shorts cover an ass less embarrassingly. /(Duncan Stevens) / *Jockey shorts* are like Sean Spicer doing the tango: With both, you might report "crowded ballroom."/(Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.)/ // Jockey shorts* and hand-marke* d ballots:* Chad won't be hanging in either. /(Frank Osen; Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) / *Fifty-yard-line Redskins tickets* and bedbugs: More people are comfortable admitting they have bedbugs. /(Frank Osen) / The difference between bedbugs and John Bolton's mustache: One makes you look away in pure revulsion, and the other can be treated by using a dryer with a high heat setting. /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) / *Bedbugs* and the 50,000 people of Greenland:* Bedbugs will have somewhere to live in 30 years. /(Duncan Stevens) / *Fifty-yard-line Redskins tickets and Will Shortz:* With the tickets, you end up with a lot of crass words./(Mike Gips)/ *Avocado toast: "Yum!" — Millennials. Bedbugs:* "Yum! Millennials!"/(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) / How*John Bolton's mustache is different from bedbugs:* Mar-a-Lago guests still report seeing bedbugs./(Steve Smith; Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) / The difference between avocado toas*t and Russian dressing: Donald Trump didn't go backstage at the Miss Universe pageant in Moscow to see avocado toast. (/Jesse Frankovich)/ *A dot matrix printer* and a hard Brexit:* The printer actually has some resolution./(Mike Gips) / *Still running — deadline also Oct. 14: our contest for timely Halloween contest ideas — or photos of actual new costumes. See wapo.st/invite1351. ====================================================================== WEEK 1353, published October 13, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1353: What's playing at the retroplex Fun with movie titles. Plus winning 'questions' from the Congressional Record. Bob Staake for The Washington Post (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers close Image without a caption Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Bio Bio Follow Follow Oct. 10, 2019 at 10:38 a.m. EDT(Click here to skip down to the winning "questions" from the Congressional Record) *Get In:* In this fantasy, a young black man finds that it's super-easy to hail a cab. *Camelittle:* The Knights of the Round Table, weary of fighting injustice, take a nap. *Get Along Fine Club:* A disaffected man is drawn into a secret society of anger management professionals. *Apocalypse Eventually:* A soldier makes his way upriver in Vietnam, noticing along the way the incremental effects of climate change. As has many a Style Invitational contest lately, this week's was suggested by Wildly Successful Loser Duncan Stevens, who got 136 blots of Invite ink in the previous year alone: Change a movie title to its "opposite" by reversing one or more words; then describe the new movie, *as in Duncan's examples above. The latest in feline butt-bling: this week's second prize. (Twp) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1353* (no capitals in the Web address). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives Twinkle Tush,* a colorful little modesty "jewel" that you would hang beneath your cat's tail. (That is, you would if you were insane; even the packaging says you shouldn't leave it on your cat.) Donated by Loser Melissa Yorks, then inexplicably declined by whoever won it a few years ago. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday, Oct. 21;* results published Nov. 10 in print, Nov. 7 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Jest for the Record" is by Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter — this week we feature some past altered-title movies — check it out at wapo.st/conv1353. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Jest for the Record: Ink from Week 1349 In*Week 1349* *the Empress invited readers to explore the Congressional Record, the official chronicle of the daily doings — and non-doings — of the legislative branch, and then to choose any sentence they could access from the CR website (which goes back to 1995) and come up with a question that the CR sentence might answer. Fewer people than usual entered, but as the E had predicted, those who did really got into it, as you'll see from the ink. And they didn't have to look far to find a lot of congressional inanity. 4th place: *A. "I wish for them a lifetime of love as endless as the ocean and as timeless as the tides." Q. "Mr. President, how do you plan to support the people of the Bahamas as they try to rebuild?"/(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) / 3rd place: *A. "I yield 3 minutes to the gentleman from South Carolina, who has unusual socks on today." Q. How do you tactfully tell a colleague that he has forgotten to put his pants on again?/(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ 2nd place and the Poop Hoop toilet-seat-on-head basketball game : *A.* A motion to reconsider was laid on the table. Q. How did you scare those teenagers off drugs with a visit to the morgue? /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) / And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *A. "It is important to end the gender gap, because half the people working for minimum wage are women."* Q. Rep. Carolyn B. Maloney (D-N.Y.), would you explain the gender pay gap in the most statistically idiotic way?/(Sam Mertens)/ Lacks of Congress: Honorable mentions *A. "It is $1.4 billion — that is nine zeros — a day." Q. What statement by Sen. John N. Kennedy (R-La.) about government borrowing shows he can't count zeros?/(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) / *A. "They let her wander. In violation of all their own policies, she wandered outside. She wandered outside for more than 20 minutes."* Q. What has been Melania's favorite moment as first lady? /(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) / *A. "Evidently a quorum is not present." Q. Speaker Pelosi, do you think the president has all his marbles? /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / *A. "I ask unanimous consent that I may proceed as in morning business for 30 seconds." Q. How must junior congressmen ask to go to the bathroom? /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *A. "I smiled this last weekend when I filled up for $2.25." Q. How is your all-popcorn diet going? /(Gary Crockett) / *A. "This crisis is affecting communities all over the country." Q. So it's really hard to get a Popeye's chicken sandwich? /(Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) / *A. "Words fail me." Q. How do you explain your nickname, President Coolidge? /(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) / *A. "During my time in this body, I have had graduates and students of Virginia Tech work and intern for me." Q. Dalai Lama, what have you done since becoming an Honorary Hokie?/(Kevin Dopart) / *A. "He aimed well." Q. At his retirement party, what is the highest praise a guy can get from the janitorial staff? /(Kevin Dopart) / *A. "I have spent a lot of time on the Senate floor."* Q. Do you admit, senator, that your drinking interferes with the performance of your duties? /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala./) *A. I like the bill Senator Hagan and I worked on. Q. Mr. President, what's your favorite part about building this giant butter-sculpture of Donald Duck?/(Frank Osen)/ *A. "I yield myself as much time as I may consume." Q. How long is lunch?/ (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.; Dinah Rokach, Silver Spring, Md.) / *A. "Members will please face the camera." Q. What should never be said to Anthony Weiner? /(Kevin Dopart) / *A. "The time of the gentleman has expired." Q. Whatever happened to the era of common courtesy?/(Jesse Frankovich; Jeff Contompasis) / *A. "This bill had been a No. 1 legislative priority of our Nation's law enforcement officers, and I am proud of this bipartisan effort to support law enforcement and public safety."* Q. What can you tell me about the effort to enact "Free Donuts for Cops" Day? /(Sam Mertens) / *A. "We cannot be driven by polls." *Q. After seeing his poll figures, what did the politician decide his constituents wanted to hear? /(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) / *A. "He is a longtime Vikings fan." Q. Why would the president want to buy Greenland? /(Jeff Contompasis)/ *A. "I wish him nothing but a well-deserved rest, relaxation, and best wishes in retirement." Q. What is the most passive-aggressive way to call for impeachment? /(Gary Crockett) / AD *A. "Irregardless . . ." Q. To the dismay of word nerds, what word appears in the Congressional Record at least 30 times, most recently on May 23? /(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) / *A: "There are approximately 39 pending amendments which are probably in order and about 69 that are not, and those numbers may be off a little bit but they are not bad for government work at 8:30 in the middle of a Red Sox game." Q. Can you describe congressional dysfunction in a nutshell?/(Sarah Walsh) / *A. "It is a bicameral effort." Q. Rep. Gohmert, what do you call two dromedaries crossing a desert? /(Frank Osen)/ *A. "An important contributor to our local economy, he owned a gas station and managed the Midland Screw Factory." Q. Dearly beloved, does anyone have any fond remembrances of our local pimp?/(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / *A. "I want to take the opportunity to congratulate the entire Empress team, and thank them for all their incredible work in our area." Q: What did the Nobel Prize chairman say about The Style Invitational's contribution to literature? /(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.; the Empress is a casino] / *TWO contests still running — deadline for both is Monday night, Oct. 14: *Week 1351: Ideas for timely Halloween costumes or parties — or actual photos of new ones. See wapo.st/invite1351. *Week 1352: Write a steamy scene about an unsteamy situation. See wapo.st/invite1352. ====================================================================== WEEK 1354, published October 20, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1354: As the Word Turns 5 'Discover' neologisms in a word search grid. Plus poems using new dictionary words. Not your standard word search puzzle: (1) You can snake around the grid in every direction; (2) you can make up the words, like "kidburger" and "pharmy." Just tell us where your word starts. (Grid constructed at Puzzle-Maker.com) Not your standard word search puzzle: (1) You can snake around the grid in every direction; (2) you can make up the words, like "kidburger" and "pharmy." Just tell us where your word starts. (Grid constructed at Puzzle-Maker.com) By Pat Myers close Image without a caption Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email Email Bio Bio Follow Follow Oct. 17, 2019 at 9:15 a.m. EDT(Click here to skip down to the winning poems featuring new dictionary words) *Starting at J-17: PHARMY: A brigade of drug company reps on a mission to infiltrate doctors' offices and ethics.* *E-13: KIDBURGER: Ground goat on a bun. Here's the fifth of our neologism contests based on a computer-generated word search grid. SuperLoser Jesse Frankovich, reminding the Empress that we hadn't done this contest in more than a year, also noted that last year's grid was notably short on vowels for our purposes. So this time, instead of using an online word generator to form the basis for the grid, the E found a Web page of "words heavy in vowels," chose some more while paging through a dictionary, and went back to the generator for the last few. There are 24, including "aureolae" and "eleemosynary," but it doesn't really matter; we're not asking you to find those words. We want you to find ones that you invent. That job is actually pretty easy because you can snake your word through the grid, in every direction, rather than the usual straight line. This week: "Discover" a word or multi­word term that consists of adjacent letters — in any direction or several directions — in the grid above, *and provide a humorous definition,* as in the examples above. Don't trace back over the same letters. You may also give a novel definition for an existing term. And you may use the word in a sentence, if that makes your entry funnier; several people will inevitably come up with some of the same words, so it may well be the description that wins the ink. *You MUST* begin each entry with the coordinates of the first letter of your term (e.g., C-­12) as above; the Emp can trace it from there. If you don't give me those coordinates, I'm going to skip your word. Please *make those coordinates the first characters of each entry,* so I can sort what will surely be thousands of words. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1354* (no capitals in the Web address). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. And speaking of tracing circuitous routes, second place receives the book "Where Underpants Come From," in which New Zealand-based author Joe Bennett follows the production path of his five-pack of skivvies all over China and Southeast Asia. Hand-delivered to the Empress by Kiwi Loser Andy Bassett when he visited Washington this past summer. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday, Oct. 28;* results published Nov. 17 in print, Nov. 14 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Merriam Jesters" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1354. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Merriam Jesters: The new-word poems of Week 1350 In*Week 1350 we asked you to write a poem featuring one of dozens of terms added in the past year to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary . 4th place: They called up Ukraine's president; A skeezy* deal was floated. The transcript tells us how it went, 'Cause Trump was quid pro quoted. /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / 3rd place: *Rhotic /(pronouncing the R in a word, rather than with a British or Boston accent):/ My man from the States is hypnotic, (Hope that, this time, it won't end in farce.) Love his humour, and consonants rhotic: There is nothing as firm as his R's. /(Michelle Christoforou, Guildford, England) / 2nd place /and the dashboard bobbler of the Orioles mascot in a hula skirt : / *(Financial) haircut *Economists fear a recession looms soon. We'll all take a*haircut* should stock prices swoon. So much for Trump's claim he's a great fiscal whiz. Let's just hope our haircut does not look like his. /(Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)/ And the winner of the Lose Cannon: This escape room's* the worst, everybody agrees; We feel trapped, with a lingering sense of unease That we'll never get out of here, try as we may — We get sullen or spiteful, our nerves start to fray Till at last we're released, overjoyed to survive . . . And we come every weekday, 8:30 to 5. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ Underdoggerel: Honorable mentions "A profit? Well, you didn't net one," Frowned my broker. "A haircut, you'll get one." All I managed to say Was "A haircut's okay — Just not a Marie Antoinette one." /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / *Cross-sell (as in "you might also like" . . .) Once upon a midnight creepy, while I purchased, feeling sleepy, Somewhere online a quaint and curious item I'd been looking for, As my checkout started ending, suddenly they're recommending, For a bit of extra spending, other items from their store. "No, no thanks," I clicked to say, "cross-selling I shall just ignore — I'm buying this and nothing more." (/Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) / *Free solo (mountain climbing without safety equipment) * *I was certain some free solo action Would deliver me peak satisfaction. But I found only dopes Don't use harness or ropes, Which is why I now lie here in traction. /(Stephen Gold, London)/ On a free solo climb, you must not be a dunce — If you make a mistake, it will just be that once. /(Jesse Frankovich)/ *Swole (super-muscular) *So, massive muscles are your goal? Use steroids and you'll end up swole Like me and all my weight room besties. (Too bad about our shrunken testes.) /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ On New Year's Day I set a goal: "I'll join a gym and get real swole!*" But see me now, and there's no doubt: My plan (and I) ain't working out. /(Brendan Beary) / *Stan (superfan) Gushed a guy at the gate, who seemed loopy, I'm their greatest of stans — like, a groupie — Though I love all the crew And the cast of "The View," For today, I've come here to make Whoopi." /(Frank Osen) / // Fatberg (huge blob of fat that clogs sewers) Sewery gooery, What is that slimy mon- Strosity clogging the Pipes like a cork?* Fatbergs are famous for Impassability; Therefore, fugehdabout Flushing New York. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ *Screen time I saw the meltdown on its way, But held the line: "No more today! You've stared at pixels quite enough!" All done!" He stomped out in a huff. My job (I'm trained as toddler-sitter) Is keeping Donald Trump off Twitter. /(Duncan Stevens) / *Sesh (session) *"I need therapy, doctor, and how!" "Book a sesh,"* she said, wrinkling her brow. "Doc, I know it seems risible, But I'm feeling invisible!" She replied, "I just can't see you now." /(Frank Osen) / I know our stock portfolios are prone to rise and drop. And sometimes market jitters take "a little off the top." But lately talk of tariff wars has added to our fears. Our stocks may get a haircut* — and it's Trump who holds the shears. /(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) / *Coulrophobia (aversion to clowns) If you suffer from coulrophobia, You must treat this as a tenet: For your mental health, I beg you please, Eschew the House and Senate. /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) / Higgledy, piggledy, With*coulrophobia* Silly buffoons cause you Terrible fear. Luckily there is a Counter-clown remedy: We can vote out all those Bozos next year. /(Jesse Frankovich)/ On the lift, he was affable, easy To talk to, engaging and breezy. We skied several slopes, Then he dashed all my hopes Over drinks, when he got après-*skeezy. /(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)/ *Aphantasia (inability to form mental images)* You call up an image, your brain hits a bump: To the gallery you simply won't add it; When Stormy told stories of mushrooms and Trump, *Aphantasia: I wished I, too, had it. /(Duncan Stevens) / *Bug-out bag (packed for emergency departures)* The country's going down the tubes, yet politicians brag With lies believed by clueless rubes. I've packed my bug-out bag.* There's chaos now, not order. A tyrant hugs the flag. Head north and cross the border. And bring your bug-out bag. The joke's no longer funny. At first it seemed a gag. But now it's even money you'll need your bug-out bag. Our precious Constitution is now a parchment rag. Alas, the best solution may be your bug-out bag. /(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 21: our contest to change a word in a movie title to its opposite. See wapo.st/invite1353 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1355, published October 27, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1355: The inside word — our 'air quotes' contest Find one telling word within another. Plus winning Halloween ideas. Second place in our contest for Halloween ideas: Carve a pumpkin that shows everyone what a loser you are (at right, lit from inside). Designed and carved by Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich., who's definitely going to perplex those trick-or-treaters. Other ideas below.(Jesse Frankovich) By Pat Myers close Image without a caption Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Bio Bio Follow Follow Oct. 24, 2019 at 9:26 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning Halloween costume and party ideas) *F"lawless": Describing the president's perfect phone call.* *An"tip"athy: The feeling waiters have toward cheapskates.* *Con"trite": Sorry for having sent the Empress a joke that has 7 million Google hits.* One more time, since it seems there's no end to the possibilities offered up by Any Word or Name in the English Language. This week: Highlight part of a word, name or short phrase in "air quotes" to give the word a new meaning or description, as in the examples above by Jesse Frankovich, who conveniently supplied the new ones above while reminding the Empress that we hadn't done an "air quotes" contest in a year and a half. You can't change the spelling of the original; I'm not going to ban tinkering with capitalization, punctuation and spacing, but I think they might weaken the joke. ** *Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1355* (no capitals in the Web address). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a coloring book titled*"How Librarians Swear," * which embeds inside various kaleidoscopic designs such imprecations as "You stupid doorknob," "What the fun" and "Oh shootdarn it." Donated by soap-mouthed Loser Drew Bennett. My guess is that actual librarians find this a load of @#^%ing @#$%&. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday, Nov. 4;* results published Nov. 24 in print, Nov. 21 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Wise Guise" was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Bill Dorner; Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich both came up with the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter (see the links to earlier "air quotes" winners), check it out at wapo.st/conv1355. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *WISE GUISE: THE HALLOWEEN IDEAS OF WEEK 1355* **In Week 1351* the Empress asked for ideas for timely and creative Halloween costumes or party ideas. Judging from many of the entries, we'll preduct that a lot of people will show up at your nerdier parties as a Republican congressional invertebrate: spineless, see, harharhar. *Meanwhile: So where's Bob? Custom-carved Style Invitational pumpkins are certainly cool, but we're eagerly awaiting the return of Invite Cartoonist Since 1994 Bob Staake, who decided to idly loll around after emergency surgery last week to get a new aortic valve. Bob reports that "no coronary disease was found, meaning that readers of The Post and Invite are stuck with me for another 26 years." Bob aims to be back drawing misshapen animals next week. 4th place: Wear a suit with a whistle around your neck, a paper bag over your head, and a bull's eye on your back. /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) / 3rd place: Build an upright casket with a revolving stand at the base. Invite guests to dress as their favorite Founding Fathers. While playing an audio loop of the president, have the guests step in and take a spin in their grave./(Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) / 2nd place and the zippered bag that looks like a fat belly: See Jesse Frankovich's pumpkin, above. And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Stick some googly eyes on your rotating lawn sprinkler and say it's Rudy Giuliani. /(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) / Gave up the ghost: Honorable mentions Answer the door wearing a blue suit, white shirt and red tie, and tell the trick-or-treaters that you'll be happy to give them some candy if they get you dirt on Joe Biden. /(Hildy Zampella; Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) / A Superman costume: Go naked, except for glasses. Not to worry, though: No one will recognize you later without the glasses./(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / Break into the morgue, steal a cadaver, don its skin, and voilà — you're dressed up as Keith Richards!/(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / Buy a Native American costume, cut it into 1,024 pieces, and pin one of them on your blouse to go as Elizabeth Warren./(Jesse Frankovich) / At a Republican Halloween party, they might play "Pin the Fake Tale on the Donkey."/(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) / A GOP party: Serve canned dog food in bowls without utensils. Ask the guests to lap it up, compliment it as both delicious and healthy, and praise you as the best cook in history./(Neal Starkman, Seattle) / Wear an orange wig, a red tie — and a bare belly where you've drawn on six-pack abs with a Sharpie./(Bob Kruger) / Dress as a bell tower with lots of bats suspended from the roof. Everyone will guess that you're Trump, but it's still more subtle than going as a giant rotting orange. /(Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) / Dress up as George R.R. Martin. Go trick-or-treating four years from now, or whenever./(Mark Raffman) / (Photo still of Nosferatu with pink tutu pasted on: Lee Graham, Rockville [EJC]) Go as a group of crickets that occasionally chirp, and tell people you're the home crowd at FedEx Field. /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)/ Go as the Nats bullpen and constantly relieve myself. (/Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) / If you're a white politician put on blackface, and you can be toast. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / Put on a thin, revealing outfit with large holes that reveal way more than you intended, and go as a White House Phone Transcript. /(Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) / Repurpose an old snake costume by putting an "AOC" nametag on, and be a "Green Nude Eel." /(Stephen Litterst; Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) / Come as Lindsey Graham: Dress up as a cute little lap dog with a shiny brown nose./(Seth Tucker, Washington) / Get a nice tan, put on a "Life Is Good" T-shirt, grab a margarita, and be Gen. John F. Kelly./(Steve Smith) / A scary party activity: bobbing for hot dogs in a tepid water bath from an authentic D.C. hot dog cart./(Jeff Hazle) / A Reverse-Halloween party: Invite children to dress as corporate executives and sell candy to the adults./(Neal Starkman) / With eight of your friends, dress up as "Sexy Supreme Court."/(Mark Raffman)/ This year I am buying only congressional Republican pumpkins — guts already removed. /(Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington)/ Use the back half of a two-person horse costume and be Trump, because he stands on his own. /(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)/ Wear a Fonzie mask and bunny ears wrapped in tinfoil, place a cardboard box with the front cut out over your head, and be Joe Biden's television set. /(Steve Smith)/ Wear a shirt with a giant "M" on it and carry a peach and a sprig of mint. Clearly, you're . . . Captain Obvious. /(Hildy Zampella) /[Indeed, to judge from the number of entries suggesting this very idea, you'll be seeing peach costumes by the bushel this year.] // Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 28: Our contest to discover new words in a word-search grid. See wapo.st/invite1354 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1356, published November 3, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1356: Ask Backwards 38 We give you the answers; you write the questions. Plus steamy prose for unsteamy situations. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Oct. 31, 2019 at 9:49 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning faux-racy prose) "—The middle seat in coach "—The next Crayola color "—Pierre Defecto "—42-3 "—Lynt "—Laft "—A box of Sharpies "—A Botoxed Shar-Pei "— A perfect call "—Ankle, ankle, hooray! "— The Washington Monument elevator "—Iowa Man "—Lil Nas XL "—A 10-year-old jar of natural peanut butter "—Rudy Giuliani's more pensive moments "—A dress made of Loser magnets If you've read The Style Invitational on any of 37 particular occasions since Week 24 in 1993 — most recently a year ago — then you know what we're doing here. If not: Above are 16 "answers." Tell us the questions, up to a total of 25 A&Q's. Write the answer first, followed by the question. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1356 (no capitals in the Web address). Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a cute little desk toy called Zen Garden Litter Box, which sets you on the path to enlightenment by letting you drag a little Barbie-size wooden rake through a bit of sand in a tiny tray and make exquisite designs in it — only you are to pretend that the sand is cat litter, which is why the kit comes with two itty-bitty toy cats. It also has "5 decorative rocks," though in their feline context you'd be forgiven for thinking they're supposed to be, well, clumps. It even comes with a mini-book on "the Zen of litter box gardening." At least it smells perfectly fine. Donated by Loser Drew Bennett, who is ever closer to reaching his twin goals of getting down to 200 pounds and getting up to 200 blots of ink; in fact, he's already printed himself a certificate to be signed by the Empress. Drew's right now at 202, he writes, but he still has 13 inks to go. Don't gain it back, Drew! AD Your clumpless path to enlightenment. This week's tiny second prize. (alwaysfits.com) Your clumpless path to enlightenment. This week's tiny second prize. (alwaysfits.com) Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday, Nov. 11; results published Dec. 1 in print, Nov. 27 (Wednesday) online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Har-Core Humor" was submitted by both Bill Dorner and Kevin Dopart; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1356. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . AD ADVERTISING Har-core humor: 'Steamy' prose from Week 1352 In Week 1352 we asked for some steamy writing about decidedly unsteamy situations: in essence, double-entendres. Some of the entries were so porny-sounding that the Empress had to dab repeatedly at her tiara — even when the story turned out to be about slipping a Visa into the card-reading machine. Here are the best of the tamer accounts, followed after the first dozen or so by racier-sounding ones — but still, of course, not one of them is about sex. What kind of paper do you think we are? 4th place: She was all over me the moment I walked in. She pressed and pressed me to stroke her, not to stop. We continued to fool around, right there on the floor . . . and I knew that I would be taking her home with me for more. Moments later I filled out the paperwork from the SPCA, and . . . (Kevin Dopart, Washington) AD 3rd place: My fingers slid across that spot, sensing its contours, then pressed gently but firmly. Did I have consent to go all the way? Not yet: "Wait," I heard — not "no," but "wait"! And so I shivered with anticipation, knowing that I would soon get the "walk" signal. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 2nd place and the Undies for Two four-holed bikini briefs: Is it wrong to take advantage of her? Though we'll both be sorry later, I know I'm making her hotter by the minute and I don't want to stop. We're co-dependent, Mother Earth. — Mankind, All-Over-You (Kevin Dopart) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: She dims the lights and prepares the device just for me. I wait with a mixture of curiosity and excitement as she moves it toward me, pressing it gently against my skin. She tries one setting, then another. "Is this better? Or this?" I reply, "Please could you do it again?" Again and again, until finally, "Yes! That!" "Perfect," she says. "Your new glasses should arrive within five business days." (Jeff Strong, Fairfax, Va.) AD Porn to lose: Honorable mentions "My fingers clenched the sheets and I experienced one satisfying release after another . . . I just love popping bubble wrap!" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) I was terrified, running as fast as I could, but he chased relentlessly. No matter which way I turned, he pursued. I could hear his panting as he drew closer, my own heart about to burst out of my heaving chest. Then I felt his massive arms grab me as he thrust me to the ground, the full weight of his muscular body crushing down upon me. I began to realize what the rest of the night held in store — it was still early in the first quarter. — Colt McCoy (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) She had waited a long time for this precise moment. She knew that she would have him at last. Her actions were swift and sure — he could not elude her advances. She wanted him . . . she wanted him badly. She wanted him impeached. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) AD She looked at the bed, and him in it, and she began to feel hot all over. He was already sweating; he had stripped to almost nothing. Raw emotion overcame her. With a visible shudder, she cried: "When will we ever get all these dang weeds out of the begonias?" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) They had met only a few minutes ago, but he knew she was just what he needed. With confidence, she moved closer and slowly removed his belt with expert fingers. Then she reached in with both hands and said softly: 'The alternator's bad. You're looking at about $800 for parts and labor." (Kevin Dopart) She smiled proudly and displayed her enormous boobs. "My goodness, Mrs. Trump," I said, "Don Junior and Eric sure have grown!" (Duncan Stevens. Vienna, Va.) My need was urgent. Damn the consequences, I felt compelled like I never had before. Forget what it might mean for my job, my family, or anything else, I just had to wrap my lips around that whistle and blow. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) AD Tom pressed up hard behind David, whose muscular back was bent over in anticipation. Tom reached quickly between his tensed thighs. With firm assurance, Tom calmly looked over David's broad shoulders and said, " On red, hut, hut, hut . . ." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) George was resting on his back, his eyes closed. I wondered if he knew how much I loved him. As I leaned over and gave him a kiss, I couldn't help noticing how stiff he was "¦. A few moments later, what a mess my face was! I was spent and still shuddering with emotion. But I was still glad that I went to George's funeral. (Jesse Frankovich) "I wanna 69,"Danica told Aaron. "You sure you wanna 69?" her man answered with a sly smile. "Yep," cooed Danica. Aaron shrugged. "Okay, the 68 Camaro is the more classic, but it's your birthday." (Jon Ketzner) AD "We have to move on. Things change." I knew he was right, but I suggested that maybe we could do it just once more. "For old times' sake," I said with a wink. He slid it in gently, and I felt the pulsating rhythms, the insistent crescendo. And then, it was quiet. Afterward, he y whispered: "Seriously, babe, we have Spotify Premium. We don't need these CDs anymore." (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) He looked straight into her eyes. "Fellatio!" he almost shouted. Nancy accepted the challenge, she did her best, and he seemed satisfied when she was done. On to Round 4 of the spelling bee! (Duncan Stevens) Everything about her was hot, but what got to me were her moves — exotic, even twisted. Gently but firmly she commanded and I obeyed, moving with her. Both of us now thoroughly radiating with heat, she turned me every way but loose until I finally shuddered and collapsed, completely spent. "What IS this?" I gasped. "The 10:30 Bikram Yoga class," she replied. "You should hydrate." (Gary Crockett) AD He was surprised to find her in the bedroom, with nothing but a teddy. "Madison!" he cried out. "Get your PJs back on, put Winnie away, and brush your teeth!" (Duncan Stevens) "Take that top off and show what you're working with! Ooh, look at that nice big can. Lift it up and show everyone, honey! Now shake it — shake it and let it all out!" I whipped out a crisp ten, waved it in appreciation and added, "Thank you very much. Here's a tip." I always show enthusiastic support for my local sanitation workers. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) He looked her body up and down in wonder, then entered her. Steve was 7 the first time he visited the Statue of Liberty. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) He pushed it in as far as it would go, lingered for a moment, then eased it out slowly against that smooth tug of resistance. When the tip emerged, a glistening drop of liquid quivered and fell. "Hmm...a quart low." (Jack Doherty, Great Mills, Md., a First Offender) I put it in slowly and squeezed, squeezed hard. Then I squeezed more and more gently, waiting for just the right moment — and YES! I let go. Man, it feels so good when you stop the gas pump right on $20.00. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) He circled slowly, around and around, my pulse racing faster and faster with building anticipation. And he finally found it — the spot. He eased in tentatively, and my breath caught — would he fit? Out, and then in again; not all the way — once more, holding our breath; it was so tight! Out again almost entirely, he then he slid in expertly — YES, YES! — and we both exhaled in exhilaration. "Wow!" I panted. "That was the most amazing parking job I've ever seen!" (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) And Last: I must confess my secret love. Let's just call her "E." I willingly submit to her over and over — sometimes more than 20 times a week. Alas, she cruelly denies me so often, leaving me perpetually unsatisfied with the occasional tease of gratification. I only wish I could submit to her even more! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 28: Our perennial "air quotes" contest. See wapo.st/invite1355. ====================================================================== WEEK 1357, published November 10, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1357: It's parody time! Write us some song lyrics about the news. Plus winning 'opposites' of movie titles.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers close Image without a caption Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email Email Bio Bio Follow Follow November 7, 2019 at 10:32 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning plays on movie titles) *Oh, the climate inside is frightful,* *But to fire is so delightful!* *My staffers? All friends-turned-foe — *Let 'em go, let 'em go, let 'em go!* *And it doesn't show signs of stopping;* *(Truth be told, I'm fond of chopping!)* *I'll give 'em the old heave-ho — *Let 'em go, let 'em go, let 'em go!* /— / /Beverley Sharp, Week 1304/ Last year around this time, the Empress asked for songs about topics in the news, set to a winter holiday tune. This time, as we usually do in our song parody contests, we'll let you loose on the entire songbook. *This week: Write a satirical song about anything in the news right now, set to a familiar tune (or even one of your own, if you perform it on video). AD If you make a video, we might feature it in the online Invite, but it's the quality of the lyrics that matters most. If you do, send us a link that will be public by the time the results are published. If you're sending just the lyrics, it's helpful to include a link to a video or audio file so an online reader can follow along and hear the melody. Submit up to 25 entries — really, we've had people send us 25 songs — at *wapo.st/enter-invite-1357* (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Nov. 25 — we're giving you an extra week;* results published Dec. 8 in print, Dec. 5 online. *Winner gets the **Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Now, I usually don't like to award costly prizes, lest losing Losers start filing grievances, but this week, *second place receives **money*!* First we have //a 10-dollar note from the Federal Bank of Zimbabwe, marked "Harare 1997"; in the early 2000s, the country's currency suffered such insane hyperinflation — eventually 231 million percent — that the bank was printing out 100-/trillion-/dollar bills. (The government abandoned the currency in 2009 and switched to foreign money, and just this year brought back a Zimbabwean dollar — which is now inflating at 290 percent per year.) But that's not all! Also included is a 10-pack of $100 bills, or, more precisely, mini-pictures of same on facial tissues. *Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline "Box Office Flips" was sent separately by Marco Di Pietro and Jesse Frankovich; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1357. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Box office flips: 'Opposite' movies from Week 1353 In Week 1353 the Empress asked the Loser Community to change a word in a movie title to its "opposite" — stipulating that the word would be interpreted with some generosity — and describe the new movie. At least 30 people offered up some sort of "Undocumented Immigrant Kane"; 23 had "All the President's Women." 4th place: *Drop-22:* Experience an NFL game from the perspective of Redskins wide receivers./(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ 3rd place: *Moby Niceguy:* Seafaring yarn about an eco-conscious mariner and his quest to rescue endangered whales./(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) / AD 2nd place /and the Twinkle Tush 'jewel' to hang under a cat's tail: / *Don't You Be My Neighbor:* Lindsey Graham becomes the host of a children's show on Fox. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *The Lion Queen:* Nala overthrows Scar and saves the kingdom, but is still criticized for seeming shrill and unlikable./(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) / The plot thins: Honorable mentions ***Melted: When fearless Princess Anna sets off on a journey to the Arctic to reunite with her sister, all she finds is a carrot in a puddle. /(Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) / *Bald: The sunset of the Aged of Aquarius. /(Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.)/ *Woke Beauty:* Disney's newest princess doesn't need a kiss — without consent while she's unconscious, no less — from some rando prince for validation! She knows what time it is, and she's a true warrior for equal rights and social justice. /(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis; Mary Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md.) / *White Hawk Down: The latest chapter in the John Bolton story. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) / *20,000 Leagues Over the Sea: The Navy introduces a massive bowling program on its ships to help the sailors cope with long voyages. /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) / *Avengers: Beginning-Game: Prequel chases these heroes back to days of deadly spitballing and ridiculous four-square skills. /(Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.) / *Hygienic Harry:* "Go ahead, punk, make my bed!" /(Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) / //*Sadiator: It's hard to get happy when you're fighting for your life XXIV hours a day, VII days a week. /(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) / //*Death of Pi:* A very short film about a boy on a raft with a tiger. /(Stuart Anderson, Seattle) / *Sober Noon: An Old West marshal faces the hardest morning of his life when he discovers that the saloon won't open till 2:30. /(Larry Gray) / *High Midnight:* The Hadleyville pizza joint just closed, and this burrito ain't big enough for the both of them! /(Doug Frank, Houston) / *12 Happy Men: An all-male jury reaches a quick unanimous decision so that they can all get home in time for "Monday Night Football." /(Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) / *The Dropout:* "Ben, there's a great future in plastics — but I'll have the paper bags today, thanks." /(Marco Di Pietro, Germantown, Md., a First Offender) / *Mission: Possible*: Agent Ethan Hunt is tasked with getting more toner for the IMF office printer. /(Jesse Rifkin) / *Raging Cow:* Trump uses a focus group to finalize nicknames for Warren, Harris and Klobuchar. /(Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) / *Big Little Woman:* Amusing tale of the forgotten 121-year-old March sister who was kidnapped and raised by the Cheyenne./(Jon Ketzner) / *Around the Block in 80 Days: An aging Phileas Fogg pulls out his walker for one last adventure. /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / //*Small:* An old man who wishes to be young again goes back to middle school, doesn't do his homework and calls everyone by silly nicknames. /(Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) / *Warm Hand Luke:* The other prisoners decide to play a prank on the new guy with a bowl of water while he's sleeping./(Jeff Shirley) / *Triumph of the Won't: Parents attempt to manage a 2-year-old would-be dictator. /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / *The Godmother: Cinderella skips the ball and arranges for her stepsisters to sleep with the fishes. /(Bruce Johnson, Churchton, Md.) / *One Flew Into the Cuckoo's Nest: The president welcomes this month's acting secretary of homeland security./(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) / *Partial Recall:* The true story of (someone) who (did something). /(John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)/ *Performance Improvement Plan on the Bounty:* Captain Bligh agrees to reduce keelhauling by 90 percent over six weeks. /(Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.)/ *Curable Attraction:* Trump voters finally abandon the president after he is caught boiling the Easter Bunny alive. /(Mike Gips) / *Night of the Dead Dead:* Not much happens in this inaction thriller./(Dave Zarrow)/ *North by Southwest:* A woman not only must take an interminable flight to Saskatchewan, but she doesn't even get an assigned seat! /(Bill Dorner) / *Realpoo:* A successful hairdresser's dreams collapse when the secret ingredient in his "conditioner" is revealed. /(Larry Gray) / *Remark vs. Remark:* A documentary on the rise of Twitter wars./(Tom Witte) / *Rebel Without an Effect: Kerfuffle-making Jeff Flake takes on Donald the town bully: He makes an impassioned speech calling for playing nice, then promptly retires. /(John Bunyan, Cincinnati)/ *Sit and Deliver: A documentary on the history of constipation remedies. /(Tom Witte) / *The Credibles:* The adventures of a family of notaries public. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) / *Insomniac Hollow:* It's not easy to sleep when a headless horseman is riding around the neighborhood! /(Pamela Love) / *Dr. Yes:* Agent 007 finds his source for OxyContin prescriptions. /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) / *Harry Potter and the Chamber of Obvious Things:* A young sorcerer realizes that the Elder Wand is actually his, obviating the need for the next five books. /(Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.)/ *Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 11: our Ask Backwards contest. See wapo.st/invite1356 . ====================================================================== WEEK 1358, published November 17, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1358: What to your wondering eyes will appear? Rearrange words in 'A Night Before Christmas.' Plus winning neologisms. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 14, 2019 at 9:00 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the neologisms "discovered" in a word search grid) "All I should care to see for Christmas? Just that they threw that spite-filled creature out of the White House — it would not be a moment too soon!" "I just shook my head and spoke a little dash-dash-dash word when I saw how each pedler had all the toys and stockings out so soon before Christmas." Back in February 2017, the Empress invited readers to write something using only words that appeared in the new president's inaugural address, and as always with our "word bank" contests, the Invite got a passel of astonishing entries. This time, at the suggestion of Ubiquitous Loser Jesse Frankovich, we'll use a piece of writing that's a bit more palatable to some of us: Write a humorous passage — a "quote," an observation, a joke, a dialogue, a poem, anything — using only words that appear in "A Visit From St. Nicholas" (a.k.a. "The Night Before Christmas"), the 1823 poem by Clement Clarke Moore, as in Jesse's examples above. Since the versions printed online differ slightly, please use the one at wapo.st/TNBC (also at poets.org). That will give you 545 words to work with, including the repeated ones). AD A "visit" from St. Nick in the form of mini-jelly beans. Just half of this week's second prize. A "visit" from St. Nick in the form of mini-jelly beans. Just half of this week's second prize. The details: You may use a word only as many times as it appears in the poem; for example, you may use "chimney" up to three times, but "would" only once. You must use the whole word as it appears ("toys" but not "toy"), except that when words are joined by hyphens, you may use each half individually. Also, you may change capitalization and punctuation however you like. You may attribute your "quote" to someone else, and add a title. And a holiday gift from Jesse: An alphabetical list of all 545 words, including repeats, appears in the Empress's Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1358. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1358 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Nov. 25; results will appear Dec. 15 in print, Dec. 12 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an Invite-Style Sugar-Plum Two-Pack: a little plastic Santa and plastic reindeer that each poop tiny jelly beans. Donated by Loser Cheryl Davis. (Grid made by puzzle-maker.com) (Grid made by puzzle-maker.com) AD Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline for this week's results is by Jeff Contompasis; Duncan Stevens wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Har weaves: Word-search neologisms from Week 1354 In Week 1354 the Empress posted a randomly constructed word search grid (above) and asked the Loser Community to "discover" new terms by starting at any letter and snaking around the grid in any and all directions. AD 4th place: G-14. CANARY LEG: What the fashion model ate as her Thanksgiving drumstick. (Raymond Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) 3rd place: G-2: POLITE-SIZED: Large enough not to offend, small enough to stomach. "He helped himself to a polite-sized portion of the kale casserole: 'Wow, it's so . . . warm.' " (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the book 'Where Underpants Come From': B-2: SAUDI OIL? OK, AID! A different quid pro quo. (Mike Creveling, La Plata, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: I-17: DoveSwanGiantRat: You knew someone would try to one-up the turducken. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) E-10 their hearts out: Honorable mentions B-3: ABEAROMA: That scent of old pennies. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) C-10: NEPOMAT: The person best qualified to represent a nation overseas, who just happens to be the president's relative. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) AD C-14: DYI: Did Yourself In, or the result of the DIY with the house wiring. (Tango Fulham, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) C-16: ANGSTIGATOR: Someone who causes a majority of Americans to feel concerned (76 percent), confused (70), exhausted (67), angry (65) and frightened (56). (Jesse Frankovich) C-18: ADLANDS: Godforsaken area of the Internet where you end up through an accidental click. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) C-7: MAYONAID: Benefit concert starring Kenny G and Michael Bolton. (Frank Osen) D-10 GUDWIG: Beethoven's better-coifed brother. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) D-14: GRECIAN AERATOR: A bathtub fart. "Excited by his Eureka moment, Archimedes displaced some more water when he set off a giant Grecian aerator." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) E-15: REWIVE: To have an "I do"-over. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) AD G-4: [IN/OUT VERB]: Something clearer than "expletive" to use in redacted documents. (Mark Raffman, Reston) H-15: INTERNAL OGLE: Meditation for narcissists. (Gary Crockett) H-8: ALT-LEGIBLY: How the president tweets. (David Stonner, Washington) I-3: MLKING: What the King estate does when demanding huge fees to air a clip of the "I Have a Dream" speech. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) I-7: UNJOB: Fire. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) I-8: BUTTBREAK: Intermission after a long first act. (Lynne Larkin, Glenn Dale, Md.) J-15: MONOPLY: Very thin toilet paper. If that's what's available, do not pass or go. (Eric Nelkin) J-17: POORK: just beans. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) M-2: ZEALOG: An obsessive fan's diary. "Dear Zealog: Trash day jackpot — recovered some of her nail clippings this morning!" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) AD N-10: BLOOPHOLE: The space between fielders where the baseball drops. (Raymond Gallucci) O-12: NOOZE: Less than riveting journalism. "Skip the Ambien, hon, and read this eight-part series on magnesium mining." (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) O-16: KINK COLE: He called for his pipe, he called for his bowl, and he called for his diddlers three. Mark Raffman) P-2: GROENR: A bad "Simpsons" joke. (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) J-13: LOSER LOUVRE: My box of Style Invitational crap prizes. (Gary Crockett) G-19: DWEEBDOM: The realm of those who'd spend nearly two weeks poring over a grid of letters to find made-up words in an effort to have that fact published in a national newspaper. (Jesse Frankovich) Still running — deadline also Monday night, Nov. 25: Our contest for song parodies about current events. See wapo.st/invite1357. ====================================================================== WEEK 1359, published November 24, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1359: Back up in the 'air' A new variation on this week's 'air quotes' results (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 21, 2019 at 12:08 p.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning "air quotes" entries.) "— Well, that's a doo"zy. Go te"ll your father the news. "— We have added an impor"tant ric"hness to our lovemaking. "— If you go through life with the Penta"tuch as" your guide, you should be able to avoid making an ass of yourself. This week we present the results of our Week 1355 "air quote" contest, in which you define a term by pointing out another, relevant word or short phrase within it. And when Longtime Loser Roy Ashley was working on his entries, he had an idea for a spinoff: This week: Write a sentence or two and highlight an "air quote" that spans two or more words (and two sentences if you like), as in Roy's examples above. I'm not going to forbid bending the actual spelling of the word or phrase in the air quote, but I predict that correct spellings make for funnier jokes. If you submitted a words-spanning entry for Week 1355, feel free to recast it and send it again this week. AD Well, they're good for the first six nights of Hanukkah. This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Well, they're good for the first six nights of Hanukkah. This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1359 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Dec. 2; results will appear Dec. 22 in print, Dec. 19 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, just in time for the holiday, a pair of socks featuring "Happy Hanukkah" and a menorah with . . . seven candles. (That's the regular rest-of-the-year menorah you'll see in Jewish symbols; a Hanukkah menorah has nine candles, one for each day of the holiday plus one to light the other candles.) Donated by Eagle-Eyed Loser Marleen May. Other runners-up win one of our last "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The "C'ha'llenge" headline is by Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD ADVERTISING The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. This week we also look back at the brilliant limericks of Hugh Thirlway, a renowned legal scholar who died last month. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1359. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Meeting the c'ha'llenge: Winning 'air quotes' from Week 1355 In Week 1355, we once again asked you to define a word or phrase in the context of a word that appears within the word. The T"rump" joke is as old as the man himself, but it must have seemed totally fresh to the dozen people who sent it in as an entry. 4th place: Cat"astro"phe: Losing all four home games in the World Series. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 3rd place: "Invent"ory: A complete list of the president's strengths. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) AD 2nd place and the coloring book 'How Librarians Swear': Bir"DCA"ge: What National Airport feels (and smells) like when your flight has been delayed for seven hours. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: H"USB"and: Consider yourself lucky if you get it right on the first try. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) The cleve'rest': Honorable mentions Lib"I do": What some people mysteriously lose soon after marrying. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Ba"star"d: They let one of those get away with anything. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Bu"sin"ess: Capitalism. — B. Sanders (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Embr"yolo"gist: A specialist who encourages women, "Life is short — go for in vitro!" (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) N"ICE"ties: Little luxuries, like being given something other than a toilet to drink from. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) AD Scap"ego"at: "Well, I know I handled it perfectly . . . hmm, let's see . . . Okay, I'll admit it was Rick Perry's fault." (Jesse Frankovich) "Dem"entia: What those nutjobs Schiff and Pelosi must have! — D.J.T. (Jesse Frankovich) "Hon"cho: The mayor of Baltimore. (Diana Guy, Smithburg, Md., a First Offender) "Spur"ious: What certain draft deferments were. (Jesse Frankovich) "Blur"b: A suspiciously indistinct review, "Intriguing! Words fail!" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) "Bust"ed: "I admit it: I wasn't looking exactly at your eyes." (Warren Tanabe) "Call"igraphy: The phone number scrawled on the bathroom door. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) "Garb"age: Off-brands, according to fashionistas. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) "Log"istics: Essential part of planning a bathroom. (Warren Tanabe) AD "Sham"e: "I'm deeply sorry that mistakes have been made and that people failed to understand my intentions." (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) Afr"AI"d: Fearful that a robot will take my job. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Am"eric"an: Preserving traditional values, such as nepotism. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) Bam"boo"zled: The reaction on the president's face when he realized that those weren't cheers from the World Series fans. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) B"eat"les: The band behind "I Want to Hold Your Ham" and "Lucy in the Sky with Almonds." (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Br"ex"it: Creator of former prime ministers since 2016. (Warren Tanabe) Ce"meter"y: Where they bury people only three feet under. (Raymond Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) Co"nun"drum: How do you solve a problem like Maria? (Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington) AD Cods"wall"op: ". . . and Mexico's going to pay for it." (Jesse Frankovich; Mark Raffman) Cr"ouch": At a certain age, just seeing a catcher behind home plate on TV makes one's knees hurt. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Defi"nit"ely: "Great idea — we should do it immediately. As soon as we make these 43 alterations . . ." (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Diplo"mats": People you wipe your feet on. — R. Giuliani (Kathy El-Assal) E"con"omics: A system to make medical care and college free without raising anyone's taxes. (Ellen Raphaeli) E"rot"ica: Porno novels featuring zombies. (Jeff Contompasis) Encou"rage"ment: Incitement. "At the rally, the speaker gave encou'rage'ment to pat'riots.'"Š" (Jeff Contompasis) For"tuna"te: Charlie finally got picked by StarKist! Wait . . . (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) AD In"au"thentic: What "goldtone" jewelry is. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) In"compete"nce: When multiple teams decide to chase the top draft pick by losing as many games as possible. (Duncan Stevens) Jo"urn"alist: An obit writer. (Gary Crockett) Loy"alt"y: What Trump gets from his base. (Brian Halbert, Ashburn, Va.) M"itch" McConnell: Annoyance that many hope to scratch in 2020. (Keith Ord, Potomac, Md.; Mark Raffman) O"PAC"ity: The darkness where democracy is dying. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) P"last"ic: The enduring legacy of our time. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) P"run"es: There's a reason they're the eternal butt of toilet jokes. (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) Satis"fact"ion: When Google proves you are right and your spouse is wrong. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) Stephanie Gri"sham": She shares the job of telling "alternative facts" with Kellyanne "Con"way. (Mark Raffman) AD Recr"eat"ion: The main purpose of most cruises. (Drew Bennett) Ser"IOU" sly : The check is in the mail, I promise. For real this time. (David Kleinbard) S"tub"born: What belly fat is. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Syr"i"a: "Look how great it all worked out, thanks to me!" (Sam Mertens) Toads"tool": An inadequate piece of equipment. —S. Daniels (Jesse Frankovich) Toilet t"raining": Accidents will happen! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Tr"um"p: To claim a victory even if you don't know what you're talking about. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Tho"ugh"tful: "Aunt Doris, you really shouldn't have." (Frank Osen) Uk"rain"e: Weather forecast for Trump's parade. (Dudley Thompson) And Last: A"pat"hy: "So you got no ink. Should I care?" (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Two contests still running — deadline Monday, Nov. 25: — Song parodies about current events: wapo.st/invite1357 — Write something using only words in "The Night Before Christmas": wapo.st/invite1358 DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1360, published December 1, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1360: The lyin' about winter — a fictoid contest Tell us fake trivia about winter and the holidays. Plus Ask Backwards winners.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 27, 2019 at 10:52 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winners of our Ask Backwards contest) To maintain structural integrity in their ice houses, the ancient Inuit fastened the blocks together with a substance made of whale blubber and seal droppings, called ig-glue. (Jeff Contompasis) As a young boy in North Dakota, future Supreme Court Justice Byron White enjoyed writing his name in the snow, earning the nickname he carried the rest of his life. (Tom Witte. Week 548, 2004) Eskimos have more words for "snot" than for "snow." (Kevin Dopart, Week 702, 2007) As part of our ongoing mission to spread lies and disinformation, the Empress brings you yet another fictoid contest, this one suggested by Obsessive Loser Jeff Contompasis: Give us some untrue trivia about winter or things that occur in winter, including holiday traditions, as in the examples above; the first was one Jeff suggested along with the contest; the others are Invite classics. AD Loser Daphne Steinberg displays the prize she donated at a recent Loser brunch. The next brunch is Dec. 8 at noon at Asian Palace in Columbia, Md. See NRARS.org; click on "Our Social Engorgements." (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Loser Daphne Steinberg displays the prize she donated at a recent Loser brunch. The next brunch is Dec. 8 at noon at Asian Palace in Columbia, Md. See NRARS.org; click on "Our Social Engorgements." (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1360 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Dec. 9; results will appear Dec. 29 in print, Dec. 26 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a holiday-festive pair of bright red knit boxers that say "Got gas?" all over them. Weirdly, the words are interspersed with silhouettes of gasoline nozzles. I think someone has his exhaust systems confused. Donated by Loser Daphne Steinberg. Other runners-up win one of our last "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "If the Q Fits" is by Jesse Frankovich; Bill Dorner wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD ADVERTISING The Style Conversational: The Empress's online column returns next week. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . If the Q fits: Ask Backwards winners from Week 1356 In our Week 1356 Ask Backwards contest, we supplied 16 "answers" and asked for the questions. At least a dozen Losers said a box of Sharpies would be replacing the supercomputers at the National Weather Service; that Pierre Defecto was a French term for ED; and that the new Crayola color would be, of course, Peach Mint. 4th place: A: Lil Nas XL Q. Who's gonna take his fork to the Old Town Buffet and eat till he can't no more? (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 3rd place: A. Pierre Defecto. Q. How did Donald Trump refer to a disabled Frenchman? (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) 2nd place and the mini Zen garden litterbox: A. The middle seat in coach: Q. Besides a bakery before Easter, where's the best place to find hot cross buns? (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) AD And the winner of the Lose Cannon: A. The Washington Monument elevator. Q. Where in D.C. can you hear people of all nations and creeds praying together? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Bad-askery: Honorable mentions THE MIDDLE SEAT IN COACH Where did John Fogerty find himself after his travel agent overheard him rehearsing "Centerfield"? (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.) In a country song, what might follow the line "She grimaced like she'd seen a roach/ Or drawn . . ." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) What keeps getting smaller but never quite disappears? (Karen Duffy, Geneseo, N.Y.) Where do masochists go when their full-body latex suits stop feeling constricting enough? (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Where does Tiffany Trump sit on Air Force One? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Where does every passenger sit on Purgatory Airlines? (Will Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio) AD THE NEXT CRAYOLA COLOR What is Burnt Sierra? (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) What is Unearthly Bluish Smartphone Glow? (Duncan Stevens) What is Tanning-Bed-Goggle White? (Alan Duxbury, Carlisle, Pa.) What is Ocher Boomer? (Roy Ashley, Washington) 42-3 What is SpongeBob SquarePants's jeans size? (Will Stutzman) If the New England Patriots had to play away from home on a short week wearing handcuffs and blindfolds, by what score would they be favored to beat the Redskins? (Jesse Frankovich) What is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything except Kanye West, Jenny McCarthy and Dan Snyder? (Paul Burnham) Ms. Daniels, for our records, could you please tell us your bosom size and your, um, date's, um, measurement? (Mike Phillips, Washington) What are the average chronological and emotional ages of Style Invitational entrants? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) AD LYNT With what mobile app can you request a navel cleaning from a nearby stranger? (Jesse Frankovich) In Wales, what's the church season before Yster and after Ypiphyny? (Duncan Stevens) What's the name of the Etsy store making sweaters from bellybutton fuzz? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) LAFT What on-demand joke-writing service is part of the "gag economy"? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) What ride-sharing service can you call for a Lincoln Clown Car? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) What command did Gomer Pyle expect just after "Rat"? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) A BOX OF SHARPIES What did Timothy Leary fail to recognize as a reality-altering substance? (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) A BOTOXED SHAR-PEI What looks more natural than Roger Stone? (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) What's worse than a cat with lip implants? (Bird Waring) AD Which of her pets did AOC name Madam Speaker? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) A PERFECT CALL All these years later, how does the Devil regard his decision to make Donald Trump his Great Disrupter? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) What's when someone's phone goes straight to voice mail? (Erika Ettin, Washington, a First Offender) At the Razorback County Fair, what allowed Ida Mae Hokum to beat out her competition for Hog Queen? (Jeff Contompasis) What was "misplacing" all of Mom's Kenny G CDs before the family road trip to Yosemite? (Will Stutzman) ANKLE, ANKLE, HOORAY! What do midwives cheer at the beginning of a breech birth? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) What's the cheer at the double Achilles' tendon rupture support group? (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.) What do ticks say when they climb past your sock? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco) AD What does the rugrat say when he finds his mom? (Jeanne White, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) How do you feel, Mr. President, about the house arrest option with wearing a monitor, versus time in federal prison? (Jeff Strong, Fairfax, Va.) THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT ELEVATOR What is D.C.'s literal tourist trap? (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) What's the only thing in D.C. that gets right to the point? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) What totally lame contraption is over 100 feet shorter than its beautiful counterparts in Trump Tower? — D.J.T. (Jesse Frankovich) IOWA MAN Who breaks into gas stations to add ethanol to the fuel tanks? (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) What superhero shoots corn silk from his wrists? (Jesse Frankovich) Who's expecting Joe to take out the trash while Bernie walks the dog, before Kamala stops by with dinner, and Liz drops off the kids from school? (Frank Osen) AD LIL NAS XL Who's gonna take his elephant to the old town road? (Jesse Rifkin) Who's gonna ride his horse till IT can't no more? (Gary Crockett) A 10-YEAR-OLD JAR OF NATURAL PEANUT BUTTER What's easier to swallow: "There was no quid pro quo" or a 10-year-old jar of natural peanut butter? (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) What will Republican senators confirm as a federal judge if President Trump nominates it? (Mark Raffman) What has slightly less oil on top than Donald Trump Jr.? (John Hutchins) RUDY GIULIANI'S MORE PENSIVE MOMENTS When does he wish he were the red-nosed Rudolph instead of the brown-nosed one? (Dudley Thompson) At what times does the thought of the undercarriage of a bus come to mind? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) A DRESS MADE OF LOSER MAGNETS What is both repelling and strangely attractive at the same time? (Jeff Hazle; Wayne Rodgers, Boise, Idaho) What is a good example of Art Drecko? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) What do you wear over your honorable unmentionables? (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) How can I stop people from calling me a shiftless Loser? (Frank Osen) What is the second most pathetic garment in Washington, next to a dress made of Redskins tickets? (Mark Raffman) Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 2: Our contest for "air quotes" that span two or more words. See wapo.st/invite1359. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1361, published December 8, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1361: 2020 vision: The year in preview We're taking your incredible 2020 predictions now. Plus winning song parodies on the news. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Dec. 5, 2019 at 9:52 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning song parodies on the news) Feb. 18, 2020: President Trump delivers the State of the Union address while seated, and petting a curled-up Lindsey Graham in his lap. July 24: In a surprise move, the Tokyo Olympic committee dedicates the entire Opening Ceremonies to an extended reenactment of President George H.W. Bush vomiting on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa. Oct. 3: Yet another academic scandal erupts when it is revealed that Donald Trump Jr. used a Photoshopped image of himself next to Felicity Huffman in his application to Trump University. At a time when our ship of state can spin on its rudder at the drop of a tweet, it seems almost ludicrous to predict what's in store for next year. But hey, "Almost Ludicrous" could adorn the Style Invitational Coat of Arms. So in what's become an annual Invite contest, name some humorous news event to happen in 2020, as in the examples above by Longtime Loser Malcolm Fleschner, who used to write his own Years in Preview in his newspaper column before it, alas, went the way of all Fleschner. Include a date on the event only if it's relevant (feel free to explain why); otherwise the Empress will add an arbitrary one to fill out the calendar. Thirteen-time Loser Michele Uhler serenely models this week's 2nd prize at a recent Loser brunch. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1361 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Dec. 16; results will appear Jan. 5 in print, Jan. 2 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a T-shirt discovered by Hall of Fame Loser Beverley Sharp in a Seoul street market; it observes, in simple black on white: "Good All Things to Be Happy." It's about Yoda-size. Other runners-up win one of our last "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Mockingbards" is by Jeff Contompasis; Roy Ashley wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter — this week we'll look back at last year's predictions for 2019 — check it out at wapo.st/conv1361. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Mockingbards: Winning song parodies about the news In Week 1357 the Empress once again sought song parodies (or originals) about the news. Once again she was deluged with hundreds and hundreds of songs — and dozens and dozens were just so clever. But many excellent ones wouldn't have worked in the Invitational's print edition in the Arts & Style section: Some are on video; some melodies might not be familiar enough for most readers to sing along with. And so the E is awarding two sets of winners and runners-up: one for the print page, plus one for entries published only online. Both appear below, and each title contains a link to the original tune so you can listen along. Three videos appear right on this page. AD Print page runners-up and winner Fourth place: The Impeachment Witness's Song to "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" Today you're on a mission To do this inquisition. Just tell me now and I won't ask again: When may I go to the bathroom? Through all the endless chatter, I feel my bursting bladder. Just one quick break, and I will say "amen" When I may go to the bathroom. You show no signs of stopping, But I can't be the only one Whose clothes may all be sopping When my day here with you is done. I have a strong foreboding My gut will be exploding So tell me now and I'll be happy then: When may I go to the bathroom? (Barbara Sarshik and Andy Pike, McLean, Va.) Third place: To "Oh, Susannah!" (link is to Nan Reiner singing her song) Oh, I come from the Big Apple (though I'm really just from Queens); My brain is full of scrapple and my words are full of beans. I never study anything; at science I'm not strong, But I'm your Stable Genius King, and I am never wrong. A-la-bammy! Get in your trucks and flee. I'm at NOAA in Miami with my Sharpie on my knee. AD They say some loser Dorian is stirring up a squall. I bet he's Baltimorean; they're nasty, one and all. I'll throw some paper towels at you to wipe up mud and rain, But I've got better things to do, like phone calls to Ukraine. A-la-bammy! Just pay no mind to facts. When I give the law the whammy, Billy Barr's fat pen redacts. I cheat and lie without result, though New York is on my tail. I'm counting on my brainwashed cult to keep me out of jail. They say I've grifted plenty and I'm selling out this land, But I'm goin' to 2020 with my map and pens in hand. Nyah-nyah, harpies! Your votes will make a rout, But I've got my box of Sharpies, gonna cross the lib states out. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) Second place and the Zimbabwean $10 bill: The Ballad of Greta Thunberg To "Hey Jude" Hey! Crude is dirty stuff, Off your duff now; it's time to get a Much cleaner alternative to those fuels; Or get your jewels kicked in by Greta. AD We hear, from pols and sheikhs, High-pitched shrieks, like an operetta. If you drive a Hummer, guzzling gas, I hope your ass gets kicked by Greta. When timid politicians quail, she'll say, "You fail!" They're eating the words that she's not mincing, It's winter, they say, "Look, it's cold!" That act's got old; She finds their denials unconvincing. Trump? No, won't irk the base — Let's replace him with a poinsettia, At least he'd suck carbon out of the air! He should beware the wrath of Greta (Greta, Greta, Greta, yeah!) (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: "New York, New York" Start spreadin' the news, I'm leavin' today. I want to beat the taxes in New York, New York. The left-wing fake news, Manhattan DA, Everyone's grinding axes in New York, New York. I want to wake up in a state where old folks in red Will reelect me next year Before they drop dead AD I'm tired of boos, I'm going away, I say the place that lacks is in sad old New York If I can't fake it there, I'll take it where they care A big F.U. New York, New York! (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) Online runners-up and winner Fourth place: To "Everybody Ought to Have a Maid": Everybody ought to try to bribe; Everybody ought to do a tit-for-tat; Everybody ought to offer this for that — especially in Ukraine. Everybody needs to twist an arm; everybody ought to quid pro quo allies; And make them do things they despise; then let them wait in vain. Oh, oh, wouldn't it be so funny, holding up all their money, making them sweat. Oh, oh, wouldn't it be hilarious, take the truth, fake a threat. Everybody ought to grease a palm; everybody needs to put the squeeze on friends And make them fear untimely ends, if they won't launch a probe. AD Making a deal with Russia, breaking a deal with Ukraine, Taking a deal with Turkey, faking a deal with China, Forsaking us all around the globe! (Donna Saady, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) Third place: To "Miracle of Miracles" Season of wonders, playoff full of miracles, Five do-or-die games in one fall, Trailing in each yet, miracle of miracles, The Nats came back to win them all! Season of wonders, playoff full of miracles, Soon "Baby Shark" was D.C.'s sound. Leaving the past behind was key, we finally Got through the division round! When Kendrick's grand slam won the day, that was a miracle. When Sanchez kept the Cards at bay, that was a miracle too. But of all the miracles large and small, the most miraculous one of all Is the one that brought joy to our town: Davey's Nats have won the crown! (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) AD Second place: The video below by Sandy and Richard Riccardi, Asheville, N.C. I screamed a scream into the sky (While clutching wine and four-leaf clover) I screamed "Democracy can't die!" I screamed "This madness must be over!" I am not young, but I'm afraid This country's being used and wasted By this imposter's grand charade On whose orange head the hair seems pasted But the liars come to trial (Nunez and Stefanik come) With their voices loud and angry (Look! Jim Jordan's turning pink) As the bullshit starts to pile (Blame it all on Hillary) Watch them duck, then shift the bla-a-a-a-ame I hoped all summer he'd resign And he could live exiled forever, I scoured the papers for a sign That he'd be gone when autumn came His guilt it seeps from every pore As into chaos he has thrust us Like Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four A lie's the truth, so where's the justice? (Simultaneously with the verse below) Speaker of the House, please make him complete, Grow a little spine and nail him for deceit. Watch him run amok, watch him screw us all, Stop him please before he builds a stupid wall. I have a dream next year will be So different from this hell we're living So different now from this extreme When I can quell this scream I scream And the winner of the Lose Cannon: To "It Might As Well Be Spring" We're as hopped-up as a hive of harried hornets, We're searching for oppressors we can sting. You may think we'll wave the white flag, But we're fighting back, Beijing. We want leaders democratically elected, Not compelled to dance like puppets on a string. You're intent on crushing Hong Kong? You can go to hell, Beijing. You'll be wishing you could put our Movement down and make it short and sweet. But now you know that things are touch and go In this city you can't beat. We are busy manning barricades all over; We intend to put your backsides in a sling. We haven't let a single day be wasted, And now it's in full swing. All this Sturm und Drang that is lighting up Hong Kong Shows we're out to rout Beijing. Might as well tell Xi Jinping. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) Songs in the key of like: Honorable mentions To "Oklahoma!" "Ohhhhhh-K boomer" is a conversational refrain, Said by voice or tweet, a short and sweet Way to show Millennial disdain! "Ohhhhhh-K boomer," spoken with an edge or with a sigh, Says, "You've done your part, our turn will start When you have the courtesy to die!" We know we've despoiled the land, And the climate is way out of hand, But when we say, "Ow! Well, mea culpa, hey?" We're only saying, "We're not some gods, we're just boomers, We're just boomers, OK?" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) To "Old Town Road" I'm gonna call Ukraine for some dirt on Joe, I'm gonna try me some quid pro quo Gonna contradict what the transcripts show, Gonna say the call was perfecto. Need you to investigate Biden, see what Hunter's hidin', Sure would be a shame to see Russia's border widen Wanna buy a missile? I'm sure that this'll Get me reelected — did I just hear a whistle? Can't nobody tell me nothin' Bolton can't tell me nothin' Congress can't tell me nothin' Constitution can't tell me nothin' "¦ (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) To "If I Only Had a Brain" I could cinch my own survival, defeatin' every rival To win my next campaign. With the dirt you'd be providin', I could beat that loser Biden If you help me out, Ukraine. We could have the best relations; Just start investigations — I've made my wishes plain. Do this favor I'm entreatin': You could have a White House meetin' If you help me out, Ukraine. Oh, I could then supply assistance for your war. I'd release the funds we promised you before, And then my ass you would adore. You could find yourself salutin' when my good buddy Putin Takes all of your terrain "¦ But perhaps that will not happen if you do some wiretappin' And you help me out, Ukraine. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) "Self-Partnered" to "It Had to Be You" It had to be me, it had to be me I dated around and finally found, I'm my cup of tea My pronoun is "me," not "us" and not "we." A table for one is really quite fun, I'm now Tinder-free. Some lovers I've tried Have dumped me or lied, They made me feel sad, or just made me mad and injured my pride. Nobody else gave me a thrill; Happy alone, I pay my own bill. I'm glad to be me, self-partnered me, It had to be me. (Jennifer Martin Broadway, Marquette, Mich., a First Offender) To "My Sharona" Ooh, you gonna testify, testify Those Repubs you'll stultify NOW, Fiona! Even though they don't play fair, you don't care All your answers lay it bare — WOW, Fiona! They can't make you flap, not those saps, what a waste of time, They can never meet or compete with your brilliant mind Climb climb climb that Hill, WOO! Go, Fiona! (Frank Mann, Washington) To "It's Impossible," song and video by Gary Crockett; vocals by Emily Crockett The Congressional Dress Code, to "Be Our Guest" Underdressed! Underdressed! And your shirt's not even pressed, Hey, Jim Jordan, what you're sportin' is a look that's "not your best." It's no lie, there's no tie (did you even zip your fly?), And whoever picks your clothing is deserving of our loathing. On the Hill, as Trump's shill, would a jacket do you ill? If you're gonna shoot your mouth off we'd suggest: Go on and don a suit, those shirt sleeves just ain't cute ... Not impressed — yeah, you guessed: underdressed! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) To "Gigi" (link is to Jonathan Jensen singing and playing piano) Rudy, are you a tool without a mind Or does the Donald have you blinded by his lies? Oh, Rudy, why you've been screwing up before our eyes. Rudy, you're not at all the steady leader that the world once knew, Oh no, now there's clearly not an ounce of shame in you. Oh, Rudy, when you were meddling in Ukraine Did you not see it was insane, a bridge too far? Oh, Rudy, you're even ticking off your buddy William Barr. When did your deference to the Trumpster Put your morals in the dumpster? Oh, what malady has made you the way you are? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) This song on video is an original written and performed by Dana Austin, Palmyra, Va.: To "L-O-V-E" (link is to Nan Reiner singing her song) T . . . is Treason with the Russian clan. H . . . is Hatred for your fellow man. U . . . is Unindicted Co-conspirator benighted. G . . . is Guilty Goons and Gelded GOP poltroons. Yes, THUG, an epithet that's meant for you. THUG, the boy cadet who never grew. Each and every day, you prove with all you do and say That THUG is perfect just for you. T . . . is Treachery as Putin's flack, H . . . is Human feeling that you lack. U . . . is Undermining all our nation's fine designing G . . . is Grift and Guile, and one Gross Great big Garbage pile of THUG, the Gotti of the White House Mob. THUG, a potty-mouth and groping slob. Each loud threat you yell or phone call on an open cell Proves THUG "" the perfect word for you. (Nan Reiner) The Modern Commander in Chief's Song I am the very model of a modern white supremacist With Nazi propaganda from my Jewish chief polemicist; I read no books, I've got no friends, I have no curiosity No manners and no character, excepting bellicosity. No music, patience, empathy, no courage and no loyalty Except to brutal despots and hereditary royalty — I like the rich and powerful, and all authoritarians: Korea, Russia, China, Philippines and Saud vulgarians. I love the evangelicals because they're most defraudable; I love the left-wing liberals because they're very proddable, And often it's the same damned thing to which they are susceptible Some happily accept what others deem as unacceptable. When something that I do or say is widely hailed as horrible The white-bread theologians all embrace it as adorable At least they say in sermons my behavior is ignorable And Protestant or Catholic they cheer themselves deplorable. They say "I'm not a racist, but" — and then they say a racist thing, And if they have a choice of two they always say the basest thing. I let them wave their Bibles and believe what they have guessed I meant Although there's not a person who is white in either Testament. When everybody's outraged and the Internet is simmering, That's when my trollish ego is most Freudianly shimmering I love it when the Democrats are shocked, dismayed and scandalized By yet some other of their sacred cows that I have vandalized. I'm president because I lied and cheated electorally And nothing you can do can touch me legally or morally. With Nazi propaganda from my Jewish chief polemicist I am the very model of a modern white supremacist. (Marcus Bales, Cleveland) Still running: our contest for fake trivia about winter and things that happen in winter. See wapo.st/invite1360. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1362, published December 15, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1362: The Year in Redo, Part 1 Enter any — or all — of 24 Invite contests from the past year. Plus winning rearrangements of 'Night Before Christmas.' (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Dec. 12, 2019 at 9:32 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning rearrangements of words from "The Night Before Christmas") Winner of Week 1319, new words from ScrabbleGrams "racks": DDEELMR > MEDDLR: App designed for yentas to make dating profiles for other people (Danielle Nowlin) Winner of Week 1327, reinterpret a headline by adding a bank head: Real headline: Easy ways to keep your home green without breaking the bank Bank head: 1. Don't paint it another color (Duncan Stevens) Winner of Week 1326, "breed" two of the year's Kentucky Derby nominees: Breed Improbable with Skywriting and name the foal WillYouDivorceMe? (Bill Dorner) Did you start reading The Style Invitational just recently? Or did you ever think of the perfect entry to an Invite contest — after the results ran? The Empress is here for you. This week and next, you get another shot at the past year's contests with our annual retrospective. This week we'll cover 24 Invite contests from last November through May, a period that includes such favorites as "joint legislation," foal "breeding," cartoon captions and various neologism contests, plus some one-offs like jokes for the White House correspondents' dinner, and acrostic limericks. Yes, Paper Joan Crawford (not pictured) fits these clothes because she's wearing a girdle. This week's second prize. (From "Joan Crawford Paper Dolls in Full Color" (1983) by Tom Tierney; Dover Publications) Yes, Paper Joan Crawford (not pictured) fits these clothes because she's wearing a girdle. This week's second prize. (From "Joan Crawford Paper Dolls in Full Color" (1983) by Tom Tierney; Dover Publications) AD ADVERTISING Enter (or reenter) any Style Invitational contest from Week 1307 through 1333, except for Weeks 1309-1311, which are last year's retrospectives plus the 2019 "Year in Preview" (we're previewing 2020 in a contest that's still running). You may enter multiple contests as long as you don't submit more than 25 entries in all. For contests asking you to use that week's paper, use papers and online articles dated Dec. 12-23. For the obit poems, Week 1313, continue to write about people who died in 2018. For the dinner jokes, your references shouldn't be out of date. You may resubmit non-inking entries from earlier contests; for various reasons, some "noinks" have scored in past retrospectives. See descriptions and links for all the old contests in this week's Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1362 (published late Thursday afternoon, Dec. 12). Please check the results of that week's contest (four weeks down the list) to make sure your idea didn't already get ink. Please give the week number plus a brief ID of the contest your entry is for (e.g., "Week 1321, problematic inventions"). If you don't subscribe to The Post, email me at pat.myers@washpost.com and, after I ask you why the heck not, I'll give you alternative directions. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1362 (no capitals in the Web address). Don't use the entry forms for the earlier contests! Deadline is Monday, Dec. 23; results will appear Jan. 12 in print, Jan. 9 online. AD Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulous book of Joan Crawford paper dolls featuring the screen goddess in various foundation garments onto which you could (if you wanted to mess up the book) cut out and attach 28 glamorous costumes from her films from the 1920s through the '60s. Donated by the Glamorous Herself Pie Snelson, 82-time Loser and Loser Brunch Archivist. Other runners-up win one of our last "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "The Wizards of 'Twas" is by Tom Witte; Roy Ashley wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, reviews each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter — I'll include synopses and links for of the contests you can use for this week's recap — check it out at wapo.st/conv1362. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . The Wizards of 'Twas: Week 1358 winners In Week 1358, the Empress asked readers to write something using only the words appearing in the 1823 poem "A Visit From St. Nicholas," a.k.a. "The Night Before Christmas." We used an older version that used the spelling "pedler" and, instead of "had just settled down for a long winter's nap," said, "had just settled our brains . . ." Losers who wrote entries playing dirty on the word "hung" do not get ink. Thanks to Loser Gary Crockett for devising a program to validate the entries to ensure that all words did come from the poem, and weren't used more times than in the poem. 4th place: A chubby jerk came to clatter down my chimney. He shouted that his name was Nicholas, but he laughed with a "he he he," so I knew he was not St. Nick. I threw him out. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) AD 3rd place: Nick: "What up, sugar cheeks? My white teeth, full beard and tight belly must be a happy sight. Head to my house for a wild night?" Cherry: "I just threw up a little in my mouth. Jerk!" (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) 2nd place and the jelly bean-pooping Santa and reindeer: When What-His-Name spoke and gave up the what and the when and how it all went down in the White House, I just knew that more of the pack that work there would soon be hung out to dry by "Old Tiny-Finger." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: The jerk that settled in the old house there was not around to bundle his leaves . . . and then they were on my lawn! So I flung them on his roof, in his window, down his chimney, on his bed, in his stockings, on his mamma, and in his sugar and jelly. And then I gave him the finger. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) AD Mistletoenails: Honorable mentions As he went all around out on the stump, a lively old elf with wild white fur on his head shouted that he would not be happy ere he tore down each top pedler on Wall St. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) I would not back a team with that nick-name. All-so, they were out of it before the leaves had fallen. Not good. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) "A-a-a-a-a!" I exclaim with dread, my eyes filled with the flash of the merry, jolly twinkling from the house in back of our house. "The miniature sleigh and reindeer appear too soon before Christmas! Thistle be the night I dash them all away, jerk! (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) A Visit From Zombie St. Nicholas A dread elf tore open my roof and came down. He was pawing my belly; I saw long teeth. Nothing was in his eyes; he had a white face, with cheeks like ashes. His finger was a stump. I gave him a bowlful of jelly; he shook his head. "BRAINS!" he shouted. (Duncan Stevens) AD There was a flash, and the roof rose as the hurricane encircled them. They were not white. Then they heard the spite-filled creature exclaim, "Like I care." (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) Prancer spoke to the A. A. team: "I had fallen and was not happy. I would down a night cap before bed. I had the shutters and dread visions and threw up too." The reindeer held him and fur-gave him. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) When Mamma danced the twist dressed in tight clothes, them back cheeks shook like a pack of plums in a hurricane! (Brendan Beary) 'Twas a while before Christmas, when all through the House, Each creature was stirring around like a mouse; New word was then heard on a matter with care, In hopes the top jerk-face would soon not be there. The Right was then filled with such visions of dread As all that had spoke there had turned on their head! (Jesse Frankovich) AD Wondering how reindeer fly? They down a bowlful of eagles' brains each day. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Me: Meet up in my house? Care to see a jolly pack of toys? All there right on the bed! Her: I would dash out my eyes and open my belly to eagles before that. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Jerk-mouth: For the moment, not an obstacle to be in the White House. (Kevin Dopart) When I would just smoke "happy leaves," my head was right and I was good with myself. But then I turned to "snow" (all-so called "sugar"). And a for-chin went straight up my nose. (Mark Raffman) I looked too long on her full, round breast — what visions! — ere the vixen spoke: "My eyes be appear, jerk!" (Brendan Beary) He held on tight and turned with a jerk, but how it flew was not good, so he shouted and flung his driver. (But when his round was through, he went on to exclaim that he had eight eagles.) (Jesse Frankovich) AD How Mamma and I came up with children: 'Twas a merry night ... there was a bed ... and then [dash-dash-dash] (wink!) ... before long, snug in her belly, a tiny creature stirring! ... And then, out the opening came the head, and all of it. And that was that. (Mark Raffman) "I knew from what I heard a while back (not visions in my head) that they were bound to face a bundle of dread from the hurricane... and just then it went and turned to the right. See that there? All settled now! What? I just drew that myself? NOT!!" —Your Perfect National Weather Authority (Jesse Frankovich) Good news from The Style Invitational: The driver had flung it on to my porch — it was open. I looked through the leaves — my name was not there. Dash it all! Then I saw, below all the more droll brains, my word on a "Mamma" (plump, on back). I settled down. (Duncan Stevens) Bad news from The Style Invitational: I gave her all I had, but the Dasher of My Hopes had flung my work aside: My name would not appear. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 16: Our contest for funny 2020 predictions. See wapo.st/invite1361. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1363, published December 22, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1363: The Year in Redo, Part 2 Try (or retry) any of our past 24 contests. Plus winning 'air quote' sentences. Announcing our new Loser Mug for third- and fourth-place finishers, replacing our "Gotta Play to Lose" model. The idea got ink for Drew Bennett in a long-ago contest. Limited edition of 72! (Design by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Dec. 19, 2019 at 10:00 a.m. EST(Click here to skip down to the winning "air quote" sentences.) Winner of Week 1351, Halloween ideas: Stick some googly eyes on your rotating lawn sprinkler and say it's Rudy Giuliani. (Hildy Zampella) Winner of Week 1336, something you could say both at a restaurant and when Trump visits your country: "Can we get it to go?" (Rob Cohen) Winner of Week 1340, change a famous name slightly: Marlon Blando: "Stella, could you come here for a minute?" (Jonathan Jensen) Winner of Week 1348, compare two items from a list: How is a hard Brexit like a pair of Jockey shorts? They're both things we hope we never see Boris Johnson pull off. (Jon Ketzner) You're never fully dressed without a smile! This week's second prize, modeled by Valerie Holt. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) You're never fully dressed without a smile! This week's second prize, modeled by Valerie Holt. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) It's Week 2 of our annual retrospective, in which you get to enter any of the previous year's contests. Last week we covered November 2018 to May; now you get a crack at the 25 newer ones, all the way up to this week's results. That stretch includes fake trivia; cartoon captions; two song parody contests that more or less overlap; timely Halloween ideas; poems featuring new dictionary words; limericks; double-entendres; more more more — and of course several contests for neologisms, in which you coin a new word. So: Enter (or reenter) any Style Invitational contest from Week 1334 through Week 1359. You may enter multiple contests as long as you don't submit more than 25 entries in all. Feel free to refer to more recent news in any of the contests. You may even resubmit non-inking entries from earlier contests. AD See descriptions and links for all the old contests in this week's Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1363 (published late Thursday afternoon, Dec. 19). Please check the results of that week's contest (four weeks down the list) to make sure your idea didn't already get ink. Please begin each entry with the week number plus a reminder of which contest that is (e.g., "Week 1340, puns on people's names"). If you're not a Post subscriber, email me at pat.myers@washpost.com and I'll give you other directions. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1363 (no capitals in the Web address). Don't use the entry forms for the earlier contests! Deadline is Monday, Dec. 30; results will appear Jan. 19 in print, Jan. 16 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a thin, stretchy mouth-mask in a cheery hideous-skull motif, modeled obligingly here by the Crown Princess of The Style Invitational, a.k.a. Valerie Holt and Thing Two. AD Other runners-up win one of the new "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "C'lose R'eadings' is by Chris Doyle; Kathy El-Assal wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, reviews each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter — I'll include synopses and links for of the contests you can use for this week's recap — check it out at wapo.st/conv1363. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . AD C'lose R'eadings': Winners of our special 'air quotes' contest In Week 1359 the Empress put a spin on the Invitational's recurring "air quotes" contest; this time the quote had to span two or more words. She yawned throug a multitude of "pen is" jokes to unearth the gems here. Note: To read some of the air quotes, you'll have to move the spaces around a bit; below, for instance, "pant, son" becomes "pants on." 4th place: The president's motives were clear, as anyone can see by reading the t"ext or t"ranscript of his calls. (Mark Raffman, Reston) 3rd place: "The Flat Earth Society is having a meeting — if you want to be a partici'pant, son, head' on in. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring) 2nd place and the Hanukkah socks with the 7-branch menorah: "That will absolutely be your la'st fu'lmination, Rudy! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) AD And the winner of the Lose Cannon: "Honey, I just got the Ancestry.com results in and . . . thi's is ter'-rible . . ." (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Indisputa'ble h'onor: Honorable mentions As we watched Fiona H"ill wind"-ing up her testimony, it was clear she smelled something rotten. (Sam Mertens) "Honest'ly, in g'iving you the car for this price, I'm losing money!" (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) What do I love most about you? Hm-m-m . . . oh, yeah! You are Nirv"ana to my" soul! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Although never a fait ac"compli, cit"ations from legal cases proved it was still an impeachable offense. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) All this bravado and big talk is ho"w I'm p"ublicly making myself look strong and powerful!! (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) I "hear Se"an is hitching a ride to go volcano surfing today — do you know if he has a ride back? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) AD "Your second inauguration, Mr. President? I'd be delighted to pla'n it wit'h Jared." (Chris Doyle) Two weeks ago, the freezer went ka"put. Rid"iculous to throw away all that good food, though! (Beverley Sharp) At their weekly golf match, if he could shoot "par, Don"ald Trump promised Roger Stone a big prize. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) A wife who tinkers with the temperature settings at home will pu"t her most at" odds with her husband. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) "Listen, intelligence agencies: I don't need any more of your in'put; in'deed, I have a better source of data." (Mark Raffman) Going out on a l"imb, I be"t I know how some people are dealing with the whole impeachment news. (Sam Mertens) Analysts expect that the outlook for the budget motel indus"try st"ays strong this holiday season. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) AD Many a pla"ce o"f business has at least one overpaid, underqualified executive. (Sam Mertens) "At those pageants, oh, I'm so sl'ick. Y'ou can do anything when you're a celebrity." (Joanne Free, Clifton) "Why don't you put that thing away so we can talk about our feelings on this tr'ip, hone'y?" Jeff Shirley) Did the 'Skins choose the wrong quarterback to go wit'h? ask ins'iders. (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) Can you believe the . . . amazing husban"d I'm wit"h? — M. Trump (Jesse Frankovich) Hey, i"f I red"irected a few company funds into my bank account, is that a problem? (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) "As your next president I promise change, a new direction, and better live's. Ame'rica, you can trust me!" (Sarah Walsh) "If you ask 'me, th'is trailer park has everything we need." (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) AD Nine out of 10 Fox News viewers say the administration's immigration recor"d is a ster"ling success. (Chris Doyle) Our neighbor will occasionally get ti"psy, chop at h"is hand and bury a finger in the backyard, but otherwise he seems like a normal guy. (Chris Doyle) Professor, are you sure giving the class a take-home fin"al exa"m was a good idea? (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) "I'm always the smartest person in the roo'm or on'line!" he tweeted. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) After they leave the "spa, Ms. Pam's pa, Ms. Pam's ma and her children will lead us in some Monty Python songs. (Jeff Shirley) Who's the most sni"de, vin"dictive member of Congress? (Frank Mann, Washington) Who's to blame for gu"n ra"mpages? Oh, it's a mystery. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Given our great wealth and social standing, we fe"el it is m"eant to be that we should also have all the power. (Jesse Frankovich) AD At the "purity ball," fathers and daughters conduct a lovely, no"ble, ch"aracter-building ceremony that binds the daughter to the father until he hands her over, unsullied by any man, to her husband. (Sarah Walsh) He tells Kim and Pu"tin y"es, but makes our allies scratc"h and s"crape, leading us to wonder why he loves dictators so much more than democracies. (Mark Raffman) "Vote for me and I will drain the swam'p and er' ect a great wall, and give you all your jobs back in the coal industry!" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Childless female seeks no-nonsen"se men"sch for as many dates as needed. (Chris Doyle) And Last: I'm installing ex"tra sh"elves for all my Style Invitational prizes. (Sam Mertens) And Even Laster: Style Invitational Losers are co"ol, d"ynamic people. (Jesse Rifkin, 27, Arlington, Va.) And the Very Lastest: "Dang!" I s"pat, 'My ers'atz humor attempts need help from a pro! If only there were somebody I could blatantly suck up to! (Sam Mertens) Still running — deadline Monday, Dec. 23: Part 1 of our 2019 do-over contest. See wapo.st/invite1362. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1364, published December 29, 2019 Style Invitational Week 1364: Clue us in — a reverse crossword We give you the answers, you give us the clues. Plus winning fake facts about winter. Image without a caption By Pat Myers Dec. 26, 2019 at 9:08 a.m. EST(Click here to skip down to the winning fake trivia about winter) SCATS: Standardized exams for aspiring proctologists ONEAL: Loser's score in baseball's All-Star Game (as in "1, A.L.") Once again, and bigger than ever (and aren't we all), it's our contest in which we present you with a filled-in crossword grid and you present us — the Empress loves presents — with up to 25 creative clues for the words and phrases within. For the first time, we're using a Sunday-size puzzle, the Dec. 8 Los Angeles Times Crossword, which appeared three weeks ago on the same print page as the Invitational; because you have more than 100 choices, I'm hoping for less duplication of entries than I used to get for the daily puzzles we've used in the past. This puzzle by Paul Coulter, titled "Pet Sitting," has a niftily ingenious theme: The word "cat" appears several times throughout the grid, "sitting" atop another word like "couch" or "lap." But the original clues themselves were straightforward, with minimal wordplay, so you won't have to worry about duplicating them with your oh-so-clever Invite entries. AD Did you know that North Pole reindeer are genetically related to the jackalope? This genuine taxidermied specimen is this week's second prize. (WALLDRUG.COM) Did you know that North Pole reindeer are genetically related to the jackalope? This genuine taxidermied specimen is this week's second prize. (WALLDRUG.COM) So this week: Supply clever, funny clues for as many as 25 of the words and multi-word terms in this grid, as in the examples above. The clues don't need to be as brief and crossword-authentic as real ones; we won't even run clues for all the words in the grid. Go for funny. How to format your entry so that the Empress can sort them without going even insaner: Please write each entry on its own line, beginning with the grid word, in the form WORDFROMTHEGRID (without spaces even if you interpret it as multiple words): [your clue]," as in the examples above. You can explain it after the clue, as with ONEAL above. Note: This is an American-style crossword, not the British type in which the clue is a sentence containing an anagram of the word. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1364 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Jan. 6; results will appear Jan. 26 in print, Jan. 23 online. AD ADVERTISING Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine taxidermied jackalope, complete with really stupid antlers (um, facing each other isn't going to do the trick) and flocked bunny "fur" that feels like AstroTurf. It's also a piggy bank. Donated by aspiring Loser Harrison Schott. Other runners-up win one of our new "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Frosted Fakes" is by Chris Doyle; Kathy Al-Assal wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, reviews each new contest and set of results. This week the E shares some past crossword clues, plus some especially worthy losing entries from the past year's contests. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1364. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Frosted fakes: Bogus trivia about winter from Week 1360 In Week 1360, as part of our ongoing crusade to bring you the finest in misinformation, we asked for "fictoids" about winter and related events. 4th place: Snow in the Southern Hemisphere forms on the ground and "falls" upward, which explains why penguins are white on the bottom. (Andrew Wells-Dang, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) 3rd place: A snowball's chance in hell has increased greatly during the Trump administration. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) 2nd place and the "Got gas?" boxer shorts: The inn that turned away Mary and Joseph is now a Marriott Bonvoy property. (Frank Mann, Washington) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Phi Kappa Rho fraternity at the University of Northwestern Maine canceled this year's "yellow-snow" name-writing contest because college students no longer know how to use cursive. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) AD Icy culls: Honorable mentions The Inuit have only one word for snow but 50 words for "gullible anthropologist." (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Donald Trump's attachment to coal dates back to the Christmas mornings of his childhood. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.; Frank Mann) Disney on Ice failed to turn a profit until executives decided to remove the display of the cryogenically frozen Walt. (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) If the temperature drops below 10 degrees, the Washington Monument retracts a few feet underground. (Bruce Reynolds, Grand Rapids, Mich., whose only other Invite ink was in Week 389, in 2001) Due to climate change, mushers at the 2020 Iditarod must provide their own snow. (Stephen Dudzik) Because vomit is slightly acidic, airlines collect used airsickness bags and use the lightly abrasive contents to de-ice aircraft in the winter. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) AD More than 14,000 gingerbread men and sugar plum fairies lost their lives in the War on Christmas. (Frank Mann) The record low for Washington, D.C., had been minus-5 degrees Fahrenheit, set Jan. 17, 1982. Now it is whatever happened at the White House today. (Rick Lempert, Arlington, Va.) Technically, the coldest part of a witch is her pectoral muscle. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Covfefe was the name of Donald Trump's childhood sled. (Bob Kruger) No one actually knows the meaning of "capades." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) A Democratic-sponsored bill in the House would require the National Weather Service to replace the terms "El Niño" and "La Niña" with the gender-neutral "Niñx." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Hollywood liberals faked the 1980 "Miracle on Ice" hockey game in an effort to bolster Jimmy Carter's flailing presidency, filming it in the same studio they used to shoot the moon landing 11 years earlier. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) AD By presidential order, the Manhattan site for the New Year's Ball Drop has been renamed Fake News Square. (David Patch, Toledo, Ohio) The song "Frosty the Snowman," with its references to "eyes made out of coal" signifying enlarged pupils and its depictions of manic behavior, subtly refers to a neighborhood drug dealer. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) In Jamaica, Jack Frost is known as Johnny Gentlebreeze. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) One of the most disastrous product rollouts in history was the release in the mid-'60s of a carbonated eggnog called Yolka-Cola. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Oscar Hammerstein always wore a baseball cap during winter storms, as he hated when snowflakes stayed on his nose and eyelashes. (Steve Smith) Reindeer emit helium, not methane. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) AD The first Christmas tree ornament was created by a Bavarian glass blower in 1573; minutes later, the first broken Christmas ornament was created by his cat. (Jesse Frankovich) Tire chains were invented in the Renaissance when Queen Elizabeth I's carriage got stuck in the snow on the way to her winter residence, and the knight escorting her took off his suit of mail and wrapped it around the wheels. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) "Toboggan" is the Cree word for "suicide." (Tom Witte) To the chagrin of the rabbinical community, restaurant sales of mu shu pork actually increase on Christmas Day. (Bob Kruger) North Pole reindeer are not capable of flight in the same way as birds, but glide from one rooftop to another by means of a parachute-like membrane that stretches between their antlers. (Jesse Frankovich) AD Although athletes in the summer games competed in the nude, curling teams in the Ancient Greece Winter Olympics had to wear garish togas. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Nearly 95 percent of pet owners buy their pets Christmas gifts, which is odd since only 4 percent of pets are Christian. (Bill Dorner) Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 29: Your chance to enter any of our contests from the past six months. See wapo.st/invite1363. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1365, published January 5, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1365: Dead Letters, our obit poem contest Plus the winning (if maybe not so accurate) predictions for 2020 (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Jan. 2, 2020 at 10:14 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning predictions for 2020.) ROSIE RUIZ (1953-2019) The Boston Marathon cheater is dead (No, we needn't build a shrine). So now it can be officially said That she's crossed the finish line. As the Empress has taken to doing each January, we welcome the year with a backward glance, and with the degree of taste and propriety that has brought The Style Invitational its renown: by making joke poems about newly dead people. This week: Write a poem of no longer than eight lines (plus an optional title) about someone who died in 2019, as in the example above by the father of our feast, the deposed Czar of The Style Invitational. Google "deaths 2019" and you'll find all manner of lists of recent mortal-coil-slippers. Note: The Invite is a humor and light-verse contest, and so the Empress is not looking for flowery elegies. But neither do we want to be cruel, to do a verbal jig over the grave, to predict a residence in hell (who do you think we are, the president?). AD ADVERTISING Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1365 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Jan. 13; results will appear Feb. 2 in print, Jan. 30 online. From a little box in your pocket, BOING up pops a little monster. This week's 2nd prize. From a little box in your pocket, BOING up pops a little monster. This week's 2nd prize. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives something called Sneekum Pet Pranksters. It's a little box about the size of a pack of cigarettes, out of which suddenly pops (you can set it with a timer) a little monkey-monster head. What a big hit it would be on a first date! It doesn't even need batteries. Donated by Dave Prevar. (You can see video of this thing in this week's Style Conversational.) Other runners-up win one of our new "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Diviner Comedy" is by Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's online column, published late Thursday afternoon, Jan. 2, reviews each new contest and set of results. This week, remembering the Invite's brush with the late Don Imus. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1365. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . The Diviner Comedy: A timeline for 2020 Week 1361 was our annual contest to tell us some events that will (not really) occur in the coming year. Some of the inking entries in the timeline below contradict one another. But hey, we didn't say we'd make sense of this world. First, a milestone: With his honorable mention in the air-quotes contest of Week 1363, (Kevin Dopart, Washington) became the fourth member of The Style Invitational Triple Hall of Fame with his 1,500th blot of Invite ink, joining Chris Doyle, Russell Beland and Tom Witte. Kevin, who heads up the Transportation Department's research on automated vehicles, started Inviting in 2005 and quickly became the contest's top scorer for seven years running, and still blots up almost 100 inks each year. Meanwhile, Kevin isn't hearing footsteps; No. 5, Brendan Beary, is more than 400 blots of ink behind at 1,083. AD 4th place: April 23: Focusing on players who will be seeing the most action, the Redskins draft punters in the first three rounds. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) 3rd place: Aug. 19: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has double knee replacement surgery after spending day after day praying for the president. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) 2nd place and the 'Good All Things to Be Happy' shirt from South Korea: Sept. 8: "(Amazon founder and chief executive Jeff Bezos owns The Washington Post)" appears for the 1 millionth time in The Washington Post. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: May 16: Concerns about covert pressure on Ukraine flare up anew when President Volodymyr Zelensky, reading from a script, calls Elizabeth Warren "Pocahontas." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Prophe-C's: Honorable mentions Jan. 7: Members of the National Pedantic Society wrap up a week of reminding people that the next decade technically doesn't start until next January. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) AD Jan. 20: To prove he is not prejudiced against people of color, President Trump invites this year's winners of all five major beauty pageants to the White House for a meet-and-grab. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Feb. 2: The New England Patriots win another Super Bowl, aided by a mind control device surreptitiously implanted in the opposing quarterback's helmet. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Feb. 2: Stephen Miller sees his shadow, realizes too late he's exposed to sunlight, and turns to dust. (Gary Crockett) Feb. 9: Emilia Clarke brings her dragon to the Oscars and commands it to set the stage ablaze as revenge for not getting a Best Actress nomination for "Last Christmas." (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Feb. 17: Following his annual physical, President Trump reports that he weighs 180, has a BMI of 23 and had a "perfect" Pap smear. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) AD March 21: Trump demands an investigation into who ate his strawberries. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) April 8: Exactly one year after his song reached No. 1, Lil Nas X discovers that he can't no more. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) April 14: Attorney General William Barr travels to Albania, Paraguay and Burkina Faso as part of his evolving strategy to investigate the investigation of the investigators investigating the investigators of the investigated. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) April 21: Instead of putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, Trump announces his plan to issue a $3 bill featuring his own visage. (Bert Freiman, East Amherst, N.Y.) May 2: A horse whose name was chosen from the 2017 list of Style Invitational "foals" wins the Kentucky Derby. (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) May 8: On V-E Day, the Justice Department reveals that the Nazis were based not in Germany, but in Ukraine. (Gary Crockett) AD June 18: The Republican National Committee buys 300,000 copies of Donald Trump Jr.'s new book, "Nepotism for Dummies." (Mark Raffman) June 27: President Trump officially declares his son a baron, because somebody said he couldn't. (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) July 3: Donald Trump announces that, in lieu of the U.S. Olympic team, the United States will be represented in Tokyo by Rudy Giuliani. (Duncan Stevens) July 4: Trump's "greatest fireworks show in the history of the world" concludes with nuclear detonations offshore from Mar-a-Lago. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) July 7: George and Kellyanne Conway leave each other for Mary Matalin and James Carville. (Steve Honley, Washington) July 14: At the Democratic National Convention, Nancy Pelosi looks stunned when someone suggests that she's had enough facelifts. (Jon Ketzner) AD July 16: Phase 2 of Metro's Silver Line finally opens, but the first train tragically collides with some low-altitude airborne swine. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Aug. 13: In Chillicothe, Ohio, the first recorded use occurs of a surly eighth-grader saying "Okay, millennial" to his mom. (Jesse Rifkin) Aug. 26: Trump arrives onstage 10 minutes late for his speech at the Republican National Convention. A campaign aide later explains that Trump was busy flushing his toilet 15 times. (Duncan Stevens) Sept. 8: Justin Fairfax is forced to resign as Virginia's lieutenant governor after yearbook photos show him wearing whiteface at a party while dressed as Michael Jackson. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) Sept. 15: Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez demands that Cleveland's NFL team be renamed the Persons of Color. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) AD Sept. 21: In another interview with the BBC, Prince Andrew admits to being pals with Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, R. Kelly, Roman Polanski and Jeffrey Dahmer. Andrew says again, "I admit fully that my judgment was probably colored by my tendency to be too honorable." (Jon Ketzner) Oct. 2: Having brought peace to the Middle East, Jared Kushner moves on to finding a cure for cancer. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Oct. 11: Mike Pence acknowledges that he is gray. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) Oct. 15: Variety announces that Tom Hanks will star in the new biopic about Tom Hanks. (Jon Ketzner) Oct. 21: Mike Pence, accompanied by his wife, has a conference with Nancy Pelosi. (Selma Ellis, Rolling Meadows, Ill.) Nov. 13: In an ad for Weight Watchers, Sir Mix-a-Lot admits that he can and was lying. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) Nov. 26: In an attempt at cultural diversity, the Hallmark Channel presents its first Diwali movie, about a big-city woman who tries to buy Christmas lights in a small town near Mumbai. (Bruce Alter) Dec. 8: Trump fatally shoots a Macy's Santa on Herald Square. But the stock market hits a new high the same day, so Republicans say that while regrettable, it's not an impeachable offense. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Dec. 12: In the fourth quarter of the Army-Navy Game, President Trump pardons the Army middle linebacker for unnecessary roughness. (Frank Mann, Washington) Dec. 26: Press secretary Stephanie Grisham reports that, for the fourth year in a row, the White House menorah has stayed lighted for 16 days. (Bruce Alter) Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 6: Clues in our reverse-crossword contest. See wapo.st/invite1364. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1366, published January 12, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1366: Tour de Fours XVI — the LIAR club And we gave a second chance on 24 contests from the past year. Look what we got! (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Jan. 9, 2020 at 9:10 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winners of Part 1 of our annual retrospective) EARILY: How strange is it that you remember every note of the theme music for a sitcom from 50 years ago? PEQULIARITY: The desire to have an unusually spelled name. "That's Marcq with a C and a Q "¦ right, first C, then Q "¦ Yeah, my mom was really into pequliarity." MATEARIAL: What you need lots of for a good sob story. BARIAL: The preferred font for obituaries. Once again, it's the neologism contest we call Tour de Fours. And this week, at the suggestion of Loser Jon Gearhart at the inspiration of We Can't Imagine Who: Coin a word or multi-word term that contains the letter block L-I-A-R and describe it, as in the examples above (the last two of them Jon's). The letters may be in any order, but there can't be any letters between them (you may insert a space or hyphen). You might enhance your entry by including an amusing example, or by showing how someone could use the word in real life, since there's a good chance that someone else will send in the same term you did. Curve-proud Venus of Willendorf, the crocheted version: This week's 2nd prize. (By Dawn Zurell from a pattern from trishagurumi.com) Curve-proud Venus of Willendorf, the crocheted version: This week's 2nd prize. (By Dawn Zurell from a pattern from trishagurumi.com) AD Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1366 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Jan. 20; results will appear Feb. 9 in print, Feb. 6 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a wonderful custom-made craftwork: It's a replica — except that it's crocheted — of the 29,000-year-old Venus of Willendorf, or, better, Woman of Willendorf, since the voluptuous five-inch-tall limestone figurine, discovered in Austria in 1908, predates anyone named Venus by at least 25,000 years. Ms. Willendorf, let's call her, even has a wire inside so you can pose her. Handmade by local fiber artist Dawn Zurell from a pattern by trishagurumi.com, and donated by 16-time Loser J.J. Gertler. Other runners-up win one of our new "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Redoers' Digest" is by Jon Gearhart; Jon Ketzner wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post/From Week 1308, cartoon captions: Mike just can't get his pet ball not to do that rubbing on his leg thing in public. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post/From Week 1308, cartoon captions: Mike just can't get his pet ball not to do that rubbing on his leg thing in public. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)) AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, Jan. 9, reviews each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1366. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Redoers' Digest: Winners from our retrospective contest In Week 1362, Part 1 of our annual retrospective, we let you enter (or reenter) any of 24 contests from the first half of the past year. 4th place: Week 1322, problematic inventions: The Newfohuahua. (Ken April, Arlington, Va.) 3rd place: Week 1323, shorten a movie title: "3:10 to Yum[a]": Instructional film for making the most of your microwave. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 2nd place and the book of Joan Crawford paper dolls: Week 1307, change a term by one letter: Receding heirline: Family you see less of since you lost your money. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) AD And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Week 1318, anagrams: Article II, Section 4, of the Constitution: "The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors "¦" Anagrams to (using every letter above): Before endorsing voodoo, Republicans promise heaven and reaffirm they're in fact foremost victims of reason. Biden and Clinton (sphincters!) have committed theft — federal crimes! Hill idiots cheer. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Laughedovers: Honorable mentions Week 1307, change a letter: Erros: The god of misguided love. (Jeff Contompasis) Fondud: Aunt Edna's Velveeta and Wonder Bread cheese surprise. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Adullery: An affair that's even more boring than your marriage. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) AD Week 1312, neologisms containing T-O-U-R in any order: Bot-rus Bot-rus Ghali: Putin's new representative to the U.N. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Sourteen: A stage of adolescence. "Don't mind Janice, she hasn't spoken to anyone since her sourteenth birthday." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) "See Spot Run": A candid series of children's books for teaching them all about life, including "See Spot Run Up Debt," "See Spot Run From His Problems," "See Spot Run a Drug Ring" and "See Spot Run Off With a Younger Dog." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Week 1313, poems about people who died in 2018: Mile runner Sir Roger Bannister To offer Sir Roger a suitable toast Tell folks that you'll speak for five minutes, at most. Then tell of his challenge, his triumph and more And get to the finish in just under four. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) AD Aretha Franklin Aretha Franklin, Queen of Soul — A singing legend we extol. Now she's gone, we pray that she R. I. P-E-A-C-E. (Jesse Frankovich) Ikea founder Ingvar Kamprad Though typically it's a perfunctory task, it Took them six hours to assemble the casket. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Week 1314, "joint legislation" with congressional names: The Fulcher-Fletcher-Finkenauer provision for printable alternatives to use after "mother." (Jesse Frankovich) Week 1315, crossword clues: EARPLUGS: Role of tiny fingers when the president says, "La la la la la." (Jesse Frankovich) IFTHEN: Title of Fthen's manifesto. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) IVORIES: One of the few things that men are still allowed to tickle. (Jesse Frankovich) Week 1316, fake trivia citing "statistics": 92 percent of clickbait uses this one weird trick. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) AD In a recent survey, 59 percent of Native Americans found the Washington Redskins offensive; the remaining 41 percent didn't see them play this season. (John Hutchins) Week 1318, anagrams: What is Donald Trump's morning "executive time?" Anagrams to: Six a.m. dump, tweet, TV, radio. Lunch meeting? No, sir. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." Anagrams to: This line, it will never make tepid, boring new authors sound good. No! Unsafe! Go away, Satan! Austen's off-limits. FACT. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Articles of impeachment = The top criminal faces 'em. (Jesse Frankovich) Week 1321, online reviews of given mundane products: Shoelaces: "I bought the 54-inch green laces to use for my go-to party trick — sucking a pair up my nostrils and pulling them out of my mouth. Five stars. (Chris Doyle) AD Week 1322, bad product ideas: The solar-powered electric chair. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) Week 1323, clipped movie titles: [A]Lice in Wonderland: A little girl regrets sharing a fedora with the Mad Hatter. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) [The H]Unger Games: "The Odd Couple" takes a dark turn as Felix manipulates Oscar into a killing frenzy. (Jeff Contompasis) Twelve Angry Me[n]: Ryan Reynolds goes for his Oscar in a remake of "Sybil." (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) [P]Lay Misty for Me: A porn actor needs body doubles to finish the job. (Chris Doyle) 2001: A Space O[dyssey]: A couple of astronauts become the first members of the 200-Mile-High Club. (Chris Doyle) [T]Ouch of Evil: Biblical epic that opens with the snake biting Eve. (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) [O]Liver!: "Portnoy's Complaint," the musical. (Tom Witte) AD As Good as It [GETS]: A modest baker declines to claim that his chocolate cake is "better than sex." (Tom Witte) Week 1324, folk tales as written by a particular author: Jack and Jill, by Ernest Hemingway They had just returned from Pamplona. It was raining. Their hangovers had more fight in them than the bull Ortonez had faced on Saturday. "I say, Jack. I've got quite a thirst, really, old chap," Jill said. They looked at one another. "I'm parched, too. I could murder some water," Jack said. "Let's go, Jack, let's do," she said. I watched them fall down the hill, first gradually, then suddenly. Next thing I knew they were both dead. Thirsts die hard. (Scott Stavrou, Plovdiv, Bulgaria, a First Offender) Week 1326, foal names: Spinoff x Van Beethoven = Centri-fugue (David Peckarsky, Tucson) One Bad Boy x Gray Magician = Leroy Taupe (Duncan Stevens) Sly x Rotation = Yls (Jeff Contompasis) Week 1327, reinterpret a real headline by adding a bank head: Headline: In an Indonesian cave, the oldest story ever told Bank: Etching translated as 'Wife no understand me' (Duncan Stevens) Former CIA official chosen for No. 2 job at Smithsonian Disgraced ex-chief to collect National Zoo dung. (Jeff Contompasis) Here are your chances of seeing a white Christmas Norway, Vermont, Mar-a-Lago top Breitbart's travel guide (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Week 1328, works by one writer told by another: "Siddhartha," by Leonard Cohen (to the tune of "Hallelujah") Unsettled in your mental state? Aflame with rancor, spite, or hate? Got worries, teeming like they're barracuda? Then meet a dude who's so serene, he never needs to vent his spleen; So chill, it's like he's hanging in Bermuda. He's the Buddha, he's the Buddha, he's the Buddha, he's the Bu-u-ddha. (Duncan Stevens) Macbeth, by Sen. Lindsey Graham on Twitter: Act I: If @ThaneOfCawdor becomes king, he will destroy Scotland. Act II: I can only hope that our new ruler @ThaneOfCawdor strengthens this country, not himself. Act III: It's clear @ThaneOfCawdor is the strong, powerful leader Scotland needs! Act IV: King @ThaneOfCawdor has rebuilt a weak throne into a monarchy in power, easily the greatest king Scotland has ever seen. Act V: Lay off, Macduff. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Week 1329, add your line to one by Shakespeare: "By indirections find directions out" ("Hamlet") This Maps of Google app inspireth doubt. (Duncan Stevens) "Can you remove this mole with laser spark?" (Sarah Walsh) "Oh, no! It is an ever-fixèd mark." (Sonnet 116) Angels and ministers of grace defend us! (Hamlet) We'll need them, 'cause our O-line is horrendous. (Dwayne Haskins, FedEx Field) (Duncan Stevens) Week 1333, homophones Jew-dishal system: One set for meat, one set for milk. (Robert Schechter) Newspique: The daily @realDonaldTrump tweets. (Chris Doyle) Vigilauntie: The old lady who caught you smoking pot and told your mom. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Jock kitsch: "My husband's Redskins cap, Wizards shirt, and Caps jacket are fine, but that pair of Nats briefs he's had on since they won the World Series "¦ (Chris Doyle) And last, one more anagram: Oh, no need to check this one, Empress. I promise you it's an anagram. Anagrams to: Success! Yea, I hope it gets me honor and ink, not more pain or shame. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) [Yea, it does check.] Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 13: Write a poem about someone who died in 2019. See wapo.st/invite1365. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1367, published January 19, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1367: Pick me up at work, okay? A come-on contest. Plus Part 2 of our do-over for the past year's contests, from cartoons to song parodies (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Jan. 16, 2020 at 10:01 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to our retrospective winners) Pickup lines from "¦ An auto mechanic: "I might need the whole weekend for this inspection." A highway maintenance worker: "Hey, baby, what's your sign? I hope it's 'yield.' " Mitt Romney: "Your place, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, or mine?" As One-Man Style Invitational Ink Factory Duncan Stevens suggested: Give a pickup line from someone in a particular profession, or from a particular person or fictional character, as in Duncan's examples above. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1367 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Jan. 27; results will appear Feb. 16 in print, Feb. 13 online. He gets under your skin? This way he can be over your foot. This week's second prize. He gets under your skin? This way he can be over your foot. This week's second prize. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of black and gray socks with a picture of a rather slim Donald Trump with the legend "We Shall Overcomb." For better or for worse, these are the kind of socks that don't show above your shoe. Donated by Hall of Fame Loser Beverley Sharp. AD Other runners-up win one of our new "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Gag Reflux" is by Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column — published late Thursday afternoon, Jan. 16 — reviews each new contest and set of results. This week she shares some of the song parodies "performed" last weekend at the Losers' Post-Holiday Party. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1367. Alas, SpongeBob lived to regret his affair with the Wicked Witch of the West. [From Week 1338, honorable mention by Beverley Sharp] (Cartoon by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) Alas, SpongeBob lived to regret his affair with the Wicked Witch of the West. [From Week 1338, honorable mention by Beverley Sharp] (Cartoon by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ AD Gag reflux: Retrospective winners from Week 1363 Week 1363 was Part 2 of our retrospective, in which we invited readers to enter (or reenter) any of 24 recent contests. 4th place: Week 1349: Find a sentence in the Congressional Record and pair it with your own questions: CR: "It is one of the reasons all of us who got elected to this office decided to do it." Q: Hey, senator, did you enjoy that two-week junket to Hawaii? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3rd place: Week 1337, riddles with an anagram in the punchline: Where can you be sure to find Republican Senator Lindsey Graham's nose? [The answer is an anagram of the question above:] Consensually buried in the creases of Trump's orange behind, a year now "¦ (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 2nd place and the skull-motif mouth-covering scarf: Week 1340, slightly change a famous name: Mick Nagger: "Can't always get what you want? Well, if you'd just try sometimes "¦ " (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) AD And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Week 1357, song parodies about the news: Song of Mitch McConnell (to "Right Here Waiting") Rambling tweets, paranoid swill, Sure, you might have gone insane. But there are benches left to fill, So I surely won't complain. Each time you name a crackpot, I know I've hit the jackpot. Whatever you say, whatever you do, I will bless right-wing judges for you. Keep naming those flakes; I won't apply brakes. Alive and right-wing? I'll move 'em through. They'll side with business, they'll wipe out Roe; No more rules when I campaign. What do I care if you held up dough Or if you shook down Ukraine? Each day more folks are squirmin', But I'm still here, confirmin'. Whatever you say, whatever you do, I'll push through cranks and zealots for you. Unqualified hacks? I'll have all their backs. Hey, send Don Jr.! He'd be fine, too. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) AD Redo-nothings: Honorable mentions Week 1336, things you could say in two different situations: Something you might hear at a job interview and in bed: "Is there any way you can enhance the size of the package?" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) At the doctor's and when Trump visits your country: "Will this lump go away on its own?" (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) At the supermarket and the doctor's: "Looks like you're ready to check out." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) On a game show and in bed: "I think I'll take a pass on Door Number 2, Bob." (Mark Raffman) Week 1337, riddles with anagrams: Q. What name change has the president proposed for the nation's highest tribunal? A. The SUPER ME Court. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Q. What civil rights leader was falsely accused of being a communist? A. The NEVER-RED Martin Luther King. (Mark Raffman) AD Q. What's that movie where a bunch of old superheroes beat up bad guys with their canes? A. "Avengers: AGED MEN." (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) Week 1339, song parodies about modern woes: To "She's Gone" Everybody, Mommy's on a mission, I'm so angry as I hunt for what belongs to me My children aren't showing much contrition But it's plain to see there's been some thievery Sorry, family, for the inquisition I think you've got it (got it), you've got to tell me where it went I need to hear a real quick admission 'Cause it's down, my phone, to, ooh, 1 percent It's gone, (it's gone)! My charger, How? You better find it, let's face it It's gone, (it's gone)! So you, right now You little devils must replace it It's gone, (it's gone) before I have a cow! Get up in the morning, reach for my cellphone I'm sure it was plugged in when I went to bed But it ain't hooked to any cord now, And I can see that it is completely dead! It's gone (it's gone)! My charger, AACK! You think you kids are so clever It's gone, (it's gone)! So you lost track? I'm grounding everyone forever It's gone, (it's gone)! Want out? Bring it back! (Hildy Zampella) AD Week 1340, change a famous name: Dee Nye the Science Guy: Fox News's new climate expert. (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) Joe Bidet: A Washington fixture. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Week 1341, combine two words into a portmanteau: Perplexiglass: What fun house mirrors are made of. (Raymond Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) Foxygen: Evidently Grandpa can't survive if you turn it off. (Hildy Zampella) Kowtownhall: A staged forum where the candidate answers "questions" like "What inspired you to become such a dedicated public servant?" (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) Recantankerous: Ill-tempered about having to walk back a lie. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Week 1342, combine two abbreviations: RSVP.S.: "I know it wasn't on the invitation, but we'll be bringing the twins and their friends." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) AD Week 1344, limericks featuring "gr-" words: Lady Liberty Her coppery skin has turned green, Her welcoming lamp is still seen, But her engraved invitation To join this great nation? Valid only if you're Europeen. (J. Larry Schott) Week 1345, fake trivia about food: Fifty years later, President Trump could not forget the grainy black-and-white images of the Frito Bandito stealing Americans' corn chips. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Florida leads the nation in the production of fruitcakes. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) On Buddha's birthday, Jews in China go out to eat in American restaurants. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Before a crackdown by the then-new FDA, Manwich contained up to 11 percent man. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Joey Chestnut's wife holds the record for fewest hot dogs eaten in 10 minutes. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) AD The gelatin used to make the marshmallows in Lucky Charms comes from rabbits' feet. (Jesse Frankovich) Week 1346, neologisms starting with A and ending in Z, B-Y, etc.: Brothely: Describing love, but not the Philadelphia kind. (Beverley Sharp) Week 1348, compare any two items on a list we supplied: Bedbugs and Will Shortz: Both will leave you scratching your head late at night. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Week 1349, questions from Congressional Record sentences: A. "That was an important first step, but we need to do more." Q. What did Neil Armstrong's tiger mom say to him when he got back home? (Steve Honley, Washington) A. Let's think of what that means. Q. President Clinton, now that we know what "is" is, what should we think of next? (Beverley Sharp) Week 1350, poems featuring new dictionary words: It is such an encouraging sign When the cops have a positive line That they choose to affix In the place of their tix, Like this one that I got: "Parking Fine." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Week 1353, change a word in a movie title to its opposite: Fixed-Front Mountain: Ennis and Jake inexplicably decide to get vasectomies. (Mark Raffman) A Whole Lot of Day Music: A newcomer to a gentrifying D.C. neighborhood calls the cops on the go-go that's playing at the local cellphone shop. (Steve Honley) The Teeny Inferno: A fire breaks out in Donald Trump's library. (Duncan Stevens) Mary Pop-Outs: In a sequel to "A League of Their Own," slumping Mary O'Hara hits flyball after flyball. (John Shea, Philadelphia) I Know What I Did Last Summer: In this sequel to "Partial Recall," a diplomat suddenly regains his memory with the help of a congressional subpoena. (Frank Osen) Week 1355, "air quotes": K"ale": You have your health food, I have mine. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Suffo"cat"e: To sleep on a person's face. (Jesse Frankovich) Week 1357, song parodies: (Parody of "You Can't Take That Away From Me" by Gary Crockett; vocals by his daughter, Emily Crockett) Call From a Ukrainian Cafe (To "All I Want for Christmas") He don't care about Burisma, He could not be any blunter. He just wants a nice neat package With the heads of Joe and Hunter. Shouting on the telephone, "Gordon, are you there alone?" "Oh, sir, you know it's true, This call, it's all just me and you!" (Frank Osen) Another one to the same song: I don't like this War on Christmas! We just need a great big wall! I don't care about impeachment! Trump said it's a perfect call! Climate change is not a threat — so the coasts get slightly wet! Trump is loved by Jews! All I know I owe to Fox News. I don't have a beef with Putin — Russians look like a lot like me And I don't trust those fake news outlets — give me old Sean Hannity! I pray after every shooting they won't take my firearm. Stock accounts keep rising higher (so's the debt, but where's the harm?)! Trump's terrific for the blacks! I'm all ears for anti-vax! But not so right-to-choose. All I know I owe to Fox News. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) The Redskins Follower's Song (To "The Major-General's Song" ) I am the very model of a modern Redskins follower — In sorrow for their never-ending follies I'm a wallower. Their offense and their defense and their special teams are terrible; The thought of watching one more game is practically unbearable. With fellow fed-up fans I sit in FedEx Field a-grumbling About their knack for dropping passes, missing kicks and fumbling. They nearly are the worst in every measurement statistical; The fact they'll miss the playoffs is a matter fatalistical. The notion that they ever had a chance is just preposterous Considering how bad at each position their whole roster is. My hopes that they'll go far next year could not be any hollower — I am the very model of a modern Redskins follower! (Jesse Frankovich) And Last: Congressional Record: A. Students, middle-class families, homeowners and seniors across this nation are the losers. Q. Well, if I didn't get any ink in the Invite this week, who did? (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) And even Laster: Air quotes: Invi"tat"ional: With this contest, you literally get ink. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) And totally Lastly Last: Anagram riddles: Q. What do you call a real stretch of an Invitational entry shamelessly designed to get one's name in the paper? A. One giant leap for DAMN INK. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday, Jan. 20: Our contest for new terms that include the letter block L-I-A-R in any order. See wapo.st/invite1366. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1368, published January 26, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1368: Picture this — a cartoon caption contest Help explain these Bob Staake drawings to us! Plus creative crossword clues. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Jan. 23, 2020 at 9:39 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning crossword clues) A new year and, once again, a set of brand-new WHA??? from Style Invitational Cartoonist Almost Forever Bob Staake. This week: Supply a caption for one or more of the cartoons above. As always, a number of people will come up with the same general idea, so the funniest descriptions or dialogue will get the ink. YO! It would help the Empress a great deal if you began each entry with "Picture A," "Picture B," etc., so that she might not have to take all day to sort the captions and can instead leave the task to Ms. Word. So don't start them with numbers, cute little symbols, your opinion that it's the best entry ever, etc. Just "Picture B" or whatever. The E thanks you in advance. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1368 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Feb. 3; results will appear Feb. 23 in print, Feb. 20 online. AD Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a "family" game called "Fart!" in which your various family members try to get rid of playing cards "while being serenaded by a fast 'n' frantic Fart chorus" (CD soundtrack included). Can you just imagine the marketing meeting where they decided to sell this game? ("Oh! Oh! We include a CD of farts!") Donated by Loser Daphne Steinberg, who's always on the lookout for the finest prizes. Other runners-up win one of our new "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Cluenacy" is by Kevin Dopart; Howard Walderman wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, Jan. 23, reviews each new contest and set of results. This week, some Bob Staake cartoons we didn't use. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1368. AD The crossword we used for Week 1364 contained 136 answers; inkworthy clues weren't quite as numerous. (L.A. Times Crossword by Paul Coulter/Tribune Content Agency) The crossword we used for Week 1364 contained 136 answers; inkworthy clues weren't quite as numerous. (L.A. Times Crossword by Paul Coulter/Tribune Content Agency) And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Cluenacy: The reverse crossword of Week 1364 Week 1364 was our annual Clue Us In contest, in which the Empress presented a filled-in crossword grid and asked for novel clues. This year, for the first time, we used a Sunday grid, which has dozens more words and phrases, but they still generated a lot of duplication among the entries. Still, lots of fun answers, with some requiring a bit of flexible thinking: ELOPE can be read as El Ope, LOCALTIME as Lo-Cal Time, THEME as The Me. 4th place: BOTS: The one news source Americans seem to trust (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: MOOLA: It's obtained by milking a cash cow (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 2nd place and the genuine taxidermied jackalope: OHOH: A snack cake that's way past its sell-by date (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AD And the winner of the Lose Cannon: INTHELAPOFLUXURY: A better place to be than in the armpit of luxury (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Clue less: Honorable mentions AAR: What a doctor tells a pirate to say (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) AAR: An organization for the not-so-OK boomers who can't hold their P (Kevin Dopart, Washington) AIRS: Something to put on for the Met Gala (Gary Crockett) ALLS: Where to find boughs of olly (Jeff Loren, Seattle) ALTO: Alfredo Pacino, ____ his friends (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) AMO: Cupid's stockpile of arrows (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) AMOEBAS: "The Three ___," a group Rick Perry thought he was in (Frank Osen) AONE: Rep. Schiff, on a scale of 1 to 100, how would you rate the Trump presidency? (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) CALLSONTHECARPET: Why Aladdin's phone bill was so high (Ben Aronin, Washington) AD CALLSONTHECARPET: Strange command to say, "Okay, son, you're the carpet" (Frank Mann, Washington) CATHODE: It begins, "I think that I shall never see / A tube so nice for draining pee" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) CCED: Misspelled "Botticelli" again (Gary Crockett) COUCHPOTATO: Boob tuber. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) COUCHPOTATO: A leftover french fry between the cushions, or the person who dropped it there (Jeff Loren) ELOPE: What they still call Ron Howard in Mexico (Frank Osen; Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.; Sam Mertens) EMO: He wore eyeliner and a man-bun on Sesame Street. (Frank Osen; Jeff Contompasis) FAMILYTREE: Common source of nuts (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.; Peter Boice, Rockville, Md.) FAMILYTREE: For Giuliani, it's the sic-em-more (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) ETSY: Feeling that ets are crawling all over you (Frank Mann) AD GERMANS: ß (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) GLIDING: Some people have guiding principles; Trump uses this kind (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) GREATS: What a grizzly says, and then does, when he meets a camper in the forest (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) HOPES: Where the children of Hoptown go to first grade (Brian Collins, Olney, Md.) HOTMESS: Fantasy of every combat soldier on K rations (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) HOTMESS: What can be caused by a hot Miss (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) ICECAPS: After MAGA hats, the second best-selling merchandise at Trump rallies (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) ITER: More in vogue than, say, things that are so 2019 (Eric Nelkin) LOCALTIME: Weight-loss resolution period that typically ends by Jan. 15 (Kevin Dopart) NEEDS: First World's wants (Sarah Walsh) AD NOIR: Answer to "R U not?" (Neil Greenberg, Melrose Park, Pa., a First Offender) NOSES: Where toddlers find easy pickings (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) NOSES: A GS-15 without hope of promotion (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) OHOH: When Santa's sleigh is stuck in reverse (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.; Sarah Walsh) OLEO: "Ahem, Mr. DiCaprio?"(John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.) OMA: Gawd's first name (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.) PLEA: Bassist for the Red Hot Chili Perps. (Frank Osen) RAILROADBED: Where trains go to couple (Neal Starkman, Seattle) RIPEN: Cal with a strikeout (Brian Collins) SCATS: Musical about Dungojerrie and Old Doodooronomy (Chris Doyle) SENSORS: Devices invented so mechanics could charge to fix something that isn't really a problem (James Scarborough, Arlington, Va.) SETON: What Miz Muffet did with her tuffet (Bill Rippey, Montgomery Village, Md.) AD SLIM: One of the Chance brothers (Richard Franklin) TEN: "This many Supreme Court justices think I shouldn't release my tax returns!" (Drew Bennett) TEN: Type of hut used by the military (Roy Ashley, Washington) THEME: "The Donald," to Donald (Mark Raffman) TONI: How to get a knight to provide a shrubbery (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) TONI: Prefix for ght (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) TSETSES: Where to kick a fly to make it hurt (Sam Mertens) And Last: TRUNCATE: What the E will do if my wording becomes too (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 27: Our contest for job- or person-specific pickup lines. See wapo.st/invite1367. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1369, published February 2, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1369: Shoot some oops — jokes about typos $#%^ auto-correct and more. Plus winning obit poems for ex-people (and critters) of 2019.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Jan. 30, 2020 at 10:18 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning obit poems) A text: Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for months and haven't had the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably more than you. See, I know it's no excuse, but I haven't been getting it at home recently. I hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. — Richard Second text a moment later: Damn auto-correct. Not "wife" — WiFi!!! When Loser Michelle Stupak shared the joke above in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook (and Loser Elden Carnahan suggested it as a contest), there was a middle section about Max shooting Richard to death and then getting this second text, but you get the idea without the violence. So: This week: Tell us a concise original joke that revolves around a typo or misheard word. Shoot for 100 words or fewer; the example above comes in at 86. Good, effective joke-writing will get the ink: The best jokes will be clear but won't hit the reader over the head with an obvious punchline. You can use any genre of humor if it doesn't run too long. AD You sneeze, monkey doo: This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) You sneeze, monkey doo: This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1369 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Feb. 10; results will appear March 1 in print, Feb. 27 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a lovely and useful addition to any fine home or motorcar: It's a winsome plush monkey that dispenses tissues from its red-rimmed butt. Donated by rookie Loser Steve Smith. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. Jesse Frankovich, Jon Gearhart and Tom Witte all came up the headline "Laugh After Death"; Duncan Stevens wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, reviews each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1369. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Laugh after death: Obit poems from Week 1365 In our annual obit poem contest, the Empress asked for short poems about those who reached their expiration dates in 2019. As usual, the Loser Community dug up — er, discovered — some fascinating formers. 4th place: Fred Cox (1938-2019), co-inventor of Nerf football His toy's a neurologist's dream — Soft footballs won't get you concussed! If only pro leagues would adjust By issuing one to each team And swapping each stadium's turf For 1.3 acres of Nerf. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 3rd place: Dan Robbins (1925-2019), inventor of the paint-by-numbers kit He's gone to his eternal slumber In (7) Earth and (18) Umber. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AD 2nd place and the little monster head that pops up from your pocket: John Dingell (1926-2019), longest-serving member of Congress Of late Representative Dingell, A person with class might have said, "With statesmen in heaven you mingle!" Trump chose to be classless instead. To Dingell, with great veneration, We offer a toast, raise your cup to him! Though Trump gives him no admiration, One day he will surely look up to him. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: George Laurer (1925-2019), inventor of the bar code In the annals of science, no person did more To relieve the long lines in the grocery store Than did George Joseph Laurer, whose bar code allows Us to breeze through the checkout with no time to browse. But I wish that he'd minored in English in school And invented a bar-coded grammar-check tool To inform the unedified store-sign reviewer, This checkout's for folks with "10 ITEMS OR FEWER." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) AD Fail of tears: Honorable mentions Don Imus (1940-2019), frequently offensive radio host I. His fans will miss his slurs and slime; Grief their (low) brow's adorning. I found him crude and dumb, so I'm For Imus not in mourning. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) II. Some Rutgers alumnae may feel a bit happy That Imus is taking his eternal nappy. (Ken Kaufman, Derwood, Md.) Ronald Cyr (1954-2019), Darwin Award winner Ronald Cyr, age 65, a most distrustful chap, Determined to defend his home, devised a booby trap. He rigged a handgun's trigger so when opening the door, An unsuspecting burglar would be burgle-ing no more. His booby trap worked right on cue! The burglar, is he dead? No, Ronald absent-mindedly walked through the door instead. The moral's not mysterious: Don't mess with guns — they're Cyrious. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) AD George Rosenkranz (1916-2019), an inventor of the birth control pill Higgledy piggledy, Mister George Rosenkranz: World population is Lower (a ton) Thanks to his efforts in Biotechnology; Thanks to his passing, it's Lower by one. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Ric Ocasek (1944—2019), lead singer of the Cars The Beetle, the Gremlin, the Pinto — so classic — The Yugo, the Chevy Chevette. And now we can add to this list Ric Ocasek: These Cars have their makers all met. (Jesse Frankovich) Russ Gibb (1931 — 2019), started 1969's 'Paul is dead' rumor On McCartney's next album, just slow down that whir, Isolate, play it back, and he'll chant: "Daed si ssuR." (Frank Osen) Bill Buckner (1949-2019), baseball all-star whose fielding bobble cost the Red Sox a World Series game I. Life makes promises, then reneges. Death slipped in between his legs. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) AD II. I hadn't heard you'd reached the wall; Your pall has found its bearer. It seems I wasn't on the ball, So please forgive my error. (Duncan Stevens) The Woeful Tale of George the Snail (2004-2019) the last of the species Achatinella apexfulva They named him George, and that's all right, Though "he" was a hermaphrodite. This lonesome"male" was sure to fail; To breed, he'd need another snail. But nature's cruel, as you well know; He was the final escargot. Someday they'll clone his frozen foot; For now, his species is kaput. (Beverley Sharp) Herb Kelleher, 1931-2019, head of Southwest Airlines Are you flying Southwest Airlines? Great! Your plane's on time, but Herb Kelleher's late. (Dean Alterman, Lake Oswego, Ore.) H. Ross Perot (1930-2019), third-party presidential candidate and fierce opponent of NAFTA I. When you were laid upon the bier, Then lowered in the ground, I hope that no one said, "I hear A giant sucking sound!" (Duncan Stevens) AD II. Is Ross Perot now down below, Or up above ascendant? Or has he found a middle ground That suits an independent? (Jesse Frankovich) I.M. Pei (1917-2019), architect After the pyramid at the Louvre I.M. Pei had nothing left to prouvre. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) Anthony Hilder (1935-2019), propagator of conspiracy theories: After pushing a series Of sinister, snazzy, Surprising pet theories, He's left us "¦ or has he? (Melissa Balmain) Gary Burrell (1937 — 2019), co-founder of Garmin GPS We've lost him, so it's indicating; No chance he's just "¦ recalculating? (Frank Osen) Two reflections on Rosie Ruiz (1953-2019), who took the subway in the middle of her New York City Marathon run, and similarly cheated in her Boston "win" Said Rosie Ruiz, "The facts are plain. You cannot win Unless you train." (Robert Schechter) AD A limerick in memory of Rosie Ruiz: She must, from the start of the race, Have set an incredible pace. She ran "¦ "¦ in first place. (Ken Kaufman) Tao Ho (1936-2019), designer of Hong Kong's flag, and Frederick Brownell (1940-2019), who designed the flags of South Africa and Namibia: Many artists will get their work shown When they've passed — But only a few get it flown At half-mast. (Melissa Balmain) Peter Tork (1942-2019), of the Monkees I just heard the news on my shortwave receiver That Peter Tork died, and now I'm a bereaver. (Chris Doyle) Jerry Herman (1931-2019) composer of "Hello Dolly" and "La Cage aux Folles" (to the tune of "I Am What I Am") I am what I am (Although past tense would be more fitting). I gave it my all This mortal plain I am now quitting. It's my life and I lived it fully yes, by golly, Now I'll lead a chorus singing "Goodbye, Dolly." Friends, don't be sad, 'cause I lived life well, and now "I am" is "I was." (Mary McNamara, Washington) George Mendonsa (1923-2019), who said he was the "kissing sailor" in the famous V-J Day photo: In sudden, public smooches, you were Well versed. Up there, you spot an angel "¦ kiss her? Ask first. (Duncan Stevens) Two Texans who tried to jump a drawbridge in their car Unless your first name's "Blues" and last name's "Brothers," Don't race a drawbridge, if you have your druthers; The worst thing, falling short, is Often rigor mortis. (Frank Osen) Unnamed poacher in Kruger National Park, South Africa, killed by an elephant, eaten by lions One night a greedy poacher in pursuit of rhino horn Came face to face with justice, leaving family to mourn. He and his pals sneaked in the park; an elephant attacked! His friends were in a frenzy as they watched him getting whacked. The lions were delighted! An embarrassment of riches Just waiting to be eaten! (What they left: his skull and britches.) The moral of this story (it's a pun; I know, it hurts): When poachers prey in national parks, there might be just desserts. (Beverley Sharp) What a Way to Go Various decedents A temp worker drowned in a chocolate-filled vat; An elephant fell on a hunter — kersplat! In Australia, a woman died getting an egg When a rooster attacked her and pecked at her leg. A device that was rigged by some self-taught schlemiel Killed a granny attending a gender reveal. What with all the weird ways people breathed their last breaths, I'd say 2019 was a year for weird deaths. (Chris Doyle) Philip Gips (1931-2019), movie poster designer His best work? Could be "Rosemary's Baby." Or "Superman," "Network" or "Alien," maybe. Great talent gets passed down, you all might be thinking. Yet I'm only good at the art of not inking. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, his son) Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 3: Our cartoon caption contest. See wapo.st/invite1368. ====================================================================== WEEK 1370, published February 9, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1370: What's in a name? Write about someone using only the letters in the person's name. Plus winning neologisms.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Feb. 6, 2020 at 9:59 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning neologisms featuring the letter block LIAR) Donald Trump: A mutant pompadour on a mammon-adulator. (Chris Doyle, Week 617, 2005) Angus MacGyver: Uses sunscreen, a car gauge, mucus, an eraser, mascara, a cane, garage grease, a N.Y. egg cream, gum — unarms a gang, rescues a granny, saves a nun. Vacuums mess. Cures cancer. (Kevin Dopart, Week 1009, 2013) George Washington: He was a great one, a wise one, the shining star o' the new nation. OTOH, tho there was no terror on his estate, there were no wages either. (Elden Carnahan, Week 1009) Here's a contest we hadn't done in seven years, and there are certainly lots of new names to work with (along with the old ones). This week: Write something about a well-known person, real or fictional, using only the letters in that person's name, as in the inking examples above. AD Loser Kathleen Delano, who once put a dragon on her head for us, modeled this week's prize at last month's Losers' Post-Holiday Party. (Selfie by Kathleen Delano) Loser Kathleen Delano, who once put a dragon on her head for us, modeled this week's prize at last month's Losers' Post-Holiday Party. (Selfie by Kathleen Delano) Obviously you can repeat the letters, and you don't necessarily have to use all of them. There's no length limit, but you don't get extra credit for running on at length just because you thought of some more usable words. What does get ink is something that sounds like actual English; if it's hard to read, the Empress won't. You may include a brief title with the name, such as "President George Washington," but don't overdo it to build yourself a huge bank of letters. In 2005 one Loser used "Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor, Prince of Wales." That person did not get ink. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1370 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Feb. 17; results will appear March 8 in print, March 5 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets the exuberantly nifty noodle hat modeled here exuberantly by Loser Kathleen Delano and donated exuberantly, or at least generously, by Loser Dave Prevar. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Get RIAL" is by Jesse Frankovich; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, reviews each new contest and set of results. This week she shares some earlier ink from "What's in a Name," including some that did not stand the test of time. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1370. Don't miss an Invite! Sign up at tinyletter.com/TheEmpress to receive a once-a-week email from the E as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Get RIAL: Winning neologisms from our Tour de Fours contest Week 1366 was our annual Tour de Fours contest to create new words (or snarkily define existing ones) that include a particular block of four letters, in any order. This year's was LIAR (or RIAL, ARIL, etc.). 4th place: Nostrail: What inevitably drips down your face when you've got the sniffles in February and you're wearing your big gloves. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 3rd place: "Corialonus": Shakespeare rendered acceptable for delicate sensibilities. (Steve Honley, Washington) 2nd place and the crocheted Venus of Willendorf: Heilraiser: The person in a political discussion who inevitably brings up a Hitler reference. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Flopularity: When people flock to see a show just to revel in its badness. " 'Cats' has proved so flopular that the theater added a midnight showing for stoners who want to creep out at Judi Dench's fur-skin." (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) AD Receding har-lines: Honorable mentions Bail-a-ruse: Where Carlos Ghosn got his fake passport. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Stairl: In addition to stubb'n, another thing a mule is. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Air latte: A big mug of foam with a measly amount of coffee underneath (see also air lager), (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) Billiar: "I swear I've never played pool before "¦ beginner's luck! Want to play again, double or nothing?" (Erika Ettin, Washington) Brrraille: When it's so cold that blind folks can read messages in your goose bumps. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) "King Liar": A monarch promises his kingdom to all three daughters, then leaves it to his jester. (Steve Honley) Cigarlic: Baskin-Robbins decided to stay at 31 flavors after this new one proved less than a hit. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) AD Darlingual: Fluent in completing a spouse's sentences. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) Fairlymandering: Something elected politicians in "safe" districts will never agree to. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Garlic breadth: A safe distance to maintain after eating Texas toast or scampi. Equivalent to three onion breadths. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Hel Air: For such a fancy L.A. neighborhood, it sure has a lot of smog. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Hillari-T: A "Lock Him Up" shirt. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) Huhlarity: The awkward I'd-better-laugh reaction of the only person in the room who doesn't get the joke. (Lennie Magida, Urbana, Md.) Infilrate: Go onto a competitor's website and fill it with bad reviews. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Jailr: Dating app to find the perfect prison "friend." (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) AD Liarrhea: A condition of continually talking out one's rear. "The staff reminder 'Imodium before the podium' still failed to prevent liarrhea at the Rose Garden news conference." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Newtrality: Being fair and balanced to all, whether Americans or liberals. (Frank Osen) Parilous: At risk of being just average. "My kid's test scores are borderline parilous — do you have Rick Singer's number?" (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Per-spiral: That cycle when sweating makes you nervous, which makes you sweat more. (Mark Raffman) Pliars: What the dentist uses to rip out your molar while cooing, "This might cause a bit of discomfort." (Chris Murphy, Germantown, Md.) Receding airline: The flight you just missed as it disappears into the sky. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Reliarable: Describing people who can be counted on to rattle off falsehoods whenever they open their mouths. (Sorry, I can't come up with any examples.) (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) AD Risquéclair: Why is that pastry shaped like "¦ that? (Jeff Contompasis) Shangri-ladies' rooms: Where there's never a line, the mirrors are slimming and the three-ply Cottonelle flows like wine. (Jeff Shirley) Sir Lancelittle: The ladies teased him for having a short spear. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Smearling: An apprentice opposition researcher. (Jeff Contompasis) Snarli: Kellyanne Conway's unicorn name. (Kel Nagel) Syria later: What you say to the Kurds as you break all your promises to them. (Duncan Stevens) The Blair Pitch Project: Visitors to a ballpark in Houston hear a mysterious metallic banging "¦. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Umbrella riddle: "What can you take on a plane, sir, if it is closed but not if it is open?" (Jesse Frankovich) Blarification: Explaining something in all-caps. "The president walked back his earlier tweet with an unhinged blarification." (Jesse Frankovich) AD Clarifuscation: "Explaining" something by intentionally making it even more confusing. "Rather than release the report, the attorney general will repurpose it as an interpretive word cloud, accompanied by pantomime." (Frank Osen) Oraling: A 100 percent effective natural birth control method. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Peckuliarity: When a toad's tool turned out to be a mushroom (Alan Duxbury, Carlisle, Pa.) And Last: Har-bitrarily: How the Empress decides what's funny. (Gary Crockett) And even Laster: Armchair Loser: "Eh. I could be way funnier than those Style Invitational people. Now where's the comics section?" (Jesse Frankovich) Okay, one Lastest: Tiara lights: What the Empress needs, because she clearly didn't see my fabulous entry! (Beverley Sharp) Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 10: Our contest for jokes about typos or misheard words. See wapo.st/invite1369. ====================================================================== WEEK 1371, published February 16, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1371: The Tile Invitational VII Create new words from ScrabbleGrams letter sets; plus winning (or Losing) pickup lines (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Feb. 13, 2020 at 10:45 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning pickup lines for different professions) Yes, EGNORSU unscrambles to SURGEON. But you could also get: EGNORSU > SNOG-RUE: Morning-after regret. "Caroline awoke with a queasy stomach from last night's beer pong game at the office party, and a worse case of snog-rue from the final-round 'encouragement' from the guy in IT with the 'frohawk." EGNORSU > GROUSEN: To make someone irritable. "The new neighbor's Labradoodle may be cute, but his barking and poopage are grousening up half the street." EGNORSU > UNGORE: What the Supreme Court did to the 2000 election. For the VIIth year in a row, at the bottom of this page is a list of 45 VII-letter sets taken from the 2005 "Big Book of ScrabbleGrams." Each of them contains at least one real VII-letter word, but the Empress doesn't care if you find it. This week: Create a five­-, six­- or seven-­letter word (or phrase) by scrambling the letters of any of the sets and define it, as in the examples above from one of this week's sets. These fantastic! pretty nice! um .... this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) These fantastic! pretty nice! um .... this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) AD Important! How to format your entry: Begin each entry with the letter set you're unscrambling, as above, so the E can sort them all into 45 handy-dandy groups. Don't number your entries, because then they won't start with the seven letters, right? Submit up to a total of 25 entries, from as many letter sets as you like, at wapo.st/enter-invite-1371 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Feb. 24; results will appear March 15 in print, March 12 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets this handsome pair of cuff links — or they would be handsome had they not had the word "Meh" inexplicably printed in lowercase (it's definitely not a monogram) within their translucent blue glass stones. How Loserly is that for the first-runner-up prize? Donated by Hall of Fame Loser Jeff Contompasis, who suggested the ScrabbleGrams contest back in 2013. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Flirtation Devices" is by Chris Doyle; Duncan Stevens wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column reviews each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1371. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here (tinyletter.com/TheEmpress) to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. REALLY IMPORTANT NOTE: As of Feb. 13, the email will be coming directly from the Empress, so even if you've been getting the newsletter every week, you need to sign up again. Sorry — it takes just a second. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Flirtation devices: Pickup lines from Week 1367 In Week 1367 we asked for pickup lines to be said by particular people, or people in various professions. At least a dozen of you had a dentist offering to fill the person's cavity, and a librarian "checking out" the desired one. More creative but also submitted by too many people: Houston Astro: Hey, baby, I already know your sign. 4th place: Prince Andrew: "Excuse me, don't I not know you from somewhere?" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place: A plumber: "I'll pick you up Friday night sometime between 6:30 and 9:45." (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) 2nd place and the Trump "We Shall Overcomb" socks: Kanye West: "I'ma let you finish. I swear." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Orthopedic surgeon: "What's a joint like that doing in a nice girl like you?" (Alan Duxbury, Carlisle, Pa.) AD So-solicitations: Honorable mentions Computer programmer: "How about you and I go out, just the 10 of us?" (Alan Duxbury) Carpenter: "How about a little tongue and groovin'?" (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Lawyer: "Do you or do you not visit this establishment on a regular basis?" (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) London stockbroker: "Let's play FTSE!" (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) Narcissist: "Is it just me, or am I hot in here?" (Frank Osen) Serial killer: "You know, I have the body of an 18-year-old." (Seth Tucker, Washington) Sports radio host: "I can think about baseball for hours!" (Seth Tucker) Virginia legislator (R): "If that's a gun in your pocket, I'm happy to see you." Virginia legislator (D): "If that's not a gun in your pocket, I'm VERY happy to see you." (Allen Haywood, Washington) AD ADA lawyer: "I'd like to make sure all your entrances are accessible." (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) Actuary: "Baby, if we get started now, we can enjoy each other 18,325 times before we die!" (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) Amnesiac: "Do I come here often?" (Frank Osen) Auto mechanic: "It looks like you've got a lot of play in that rear end." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) SAT tutor: "The number of drinks I want to buy you is twice what I want to buy Mary. The number of drinks I want to buy Mary is two fewer than I want to buy Sue. I want to buy Sue three drinks. How many do I want to buy you?" (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) Andrew Yang: "You know, I'm good at more than math. Oh, and here's a thousand bucks." (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) Bill Cosby: "Here, drink this." (Mark Raffman; Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) AD Brad Pitt: "Hi." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.; Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) Chimpanzee keeper: "I am happy to see you, but I also do have a banana in my pocket." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 911 operator:"Soooo, if your boyfriend doesn't make it, I've already got your number!" (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Crossword constructor: "When you walked in, you turned 3 Down into 6 Across." (Jesse Rifkin; Jon Gearhart) Rep. Devin Nunes: "I, Devin Nunes, a totally impartial observer, recommend that you go out with Devin Nunes." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Geico Camel: "Uh-oh! Guess what day it is!" (John Kupiec, Fairfax, Va.; Duncan Stevens) Tax preparer: "You don't need any help filling out your form. (Ed Scarbrough, Germantown, Md.) Jeff Bezos: "I'm Jeff Bezos." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) AD Larry David: "Care to come up and see my kvetchings?" (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Vice President Pence: "I can see by the fact that you're biologically female that you want me." (Lorraine McMillan, Alexandria, Va.) Sen. Mitch McConnell: "Let's get down to the floor and get cozy — and don't worry, there won't be any witnesses." (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) Rudy Giuliani: "I am not coming on to you! Oh, wait, I am. Actually, I'm not. Of course I am!" (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Shirley MacLaine: "Where've you been all my lives?" (Jon Gearhart) Sen. Susan Collins: "Ask me out and I'll give it serious thought for a few weeks before saying no." (Chris Doyle) Wilt Chamberlain: "Next!" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Abraham Lincoln: "My dear lady, would you be dedicated to my proposition for some three score and nine?" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) AD Carpenter: "Hey, lady, would you marry me? Would you have my baby?" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Customer service agent: "I am sorry you are having problems with your current marriage. How can I provide you with the highest possible romantic service today?" (David Kleinbard) Woke mathematician: "May I approach you asymptotically?" (Jeff Contompasis) Sen. Bernie Sanders: "Pardon me, miss, do you know where the men's room is?" (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Haiku poet: "A nightingale falls/ The wind empty in its wings/ Girl, you're a brick house." (Jeff Shirley) Noah: "How would you like to be my plus-one on an exclusive cruise?" (Bob Kruger) NPR host: "Support for this proposition was provided by my Robert Wood Johnson Foundation." (Duncan Stevens) Pat Sajak: "You'll never have to buy an O again." (April Musser Brand, Alpharetta, Ga.) Proctologist: "Excuse me, is this stool taken?" (Frank Osen) Reality show host: "Hey, baby, how would you like to date a philandering, lying, six-times-bankrupt draft dodger?" (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Washington Post Date Lab matchmaker: "Want to bump my success rate up to 3 percent ?" (Jesse Rifkin) And Last: Style Invitational entrant: "Why, yes, I am a big Loser! How did you know?" (Bill Dorner) Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 17: our contest to write about someone with only the letters of the person's name. See wapo.st/invite1370. (And once again, please make sure to sign up for the replacement newsletter.) The letter sets for Week 1371. Be sure to begin each of your entries with the full letter set. AAACLPS AAAJMPS AABDNNO AABMNOT AACELPT AACENTY AADELMR AADENNT AADHILS AADILWY AAEGMPR AAEHRSY AAFFIRS AAFIPRT AALMORY ABBDMOR ABCCOOT ABDNOSX ABEEELS ABEGMOR ABEJNOW ABELMNU ABHIINT ABHILOS ABILRRY ACDERSU ACDHORR ACEHLLS ACEINTZ ACELNRT ACHITRU ACHKMMO EFIPRTY EGINOSU EGKLORW EGNORSU EHOPPRT EIIMPRW EIKLPSY EIMNOOS EKOORRY ELORTTY EOOTTUV FLMMOUX GILRTUY ====================================================================== WEEK 1372, published February 23, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1372: Trash talk, 1880-style Mock someone in a 'Balliol rhyme.' Plus winning captions for Bob Staake cartoons. This week's winning caption. See other inking captions for this cartoon and three others below. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Feb. 20, 2020 at 9:32 a.m. EST(Click here to skip down to the winning cartoon captions) They say of me, the Awesome Trump, The Constitution's what I'll dump. I'm sure there'll be no lasting harm in Storing it beside the Charmin. This week's contest was suggested by Longtime Loser Matt Monitto, who told the Empress about a form of doggerel called Balliol rhyme, named for the Oxford college where seven campus cutups in 1880 published "The Masque of B-ll — l," a set of 40 trash-talking quatrains about various academics and politicians, including the head of the school, Benjamin Jowett: First come I. My name is J-W-TT. There's no knowledge but I know it. I am Master of this College, What I don't know isn't knowledge. Balliol authorities seemed not to find this amusing, even with the coy little hyphens. We, however, see 2020 potential. This week: Write a quatrain or — heck — two of Balliol rhyme about some person. The rough rules: AD ADVERTISING Each verse is four short lines, rhyming AA/BB, with four accented syllables in each line, as in Matt's example above as well as the original. They're in first person, in the voice of the person being mocked. Most use the name of the person in Line 1, but others use other lines — and you may omit the name entirely and instead put it in a title. We probably won't use the hyphens. Submit up to a total of 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1372 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 2; results will appear March 22 in print, March 19 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a genuine Bodily Fluid Clean-Up Kit, a box including a disposable apron, mask, gloves and booties, along with a scoop and scraper, absorbent stuff, and various wipes and bags. I'm not going to say that all this is required when you write some really bad-taste entries that you need to get rid of immediately, but could it hurt? Donated by Registered Nurse Loser Marleen May. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mugs or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "4 Toon Kookies" is by Jon Gearhart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, reviews each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1372. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ AD Four toon kookies: Cartoon captions from Week 1368 Week 1368 was yet another chance to make some sense, or at least semi-sense, out of cartoonist Bob Staake's inspired nonsense with captions for four pictures. Lots of people went for plays on "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" for Picture A; timeshare salesmanship for Picture C; and Emperors' New Clothes for Picture D. Special big-deal note! With his four blots of ink in last week's results, (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) reached the 500-ink mark to became the 14th member of the Style Invitational Hall of Fame, according to the standings meticulously kept by Loser Elden Carnahan at nrars.org. The FDIC lawyer/Ultimate player/improv comedian/choir singer/runner/dad of two younguns got his first couple of inks in 2012, but almost all the rest come from just the past few years; it's a rare week when his name doesn't show up at least twice in the Invite — including 14 wins and 40 runners-up. Read more about Duncan, including a sample of his favorite entries, in this week's Style Conversational at wapo.st/invite1372. Image without a caption PICTURE A The winner of the Lose Cannon: Jan had reached an age where she just wished her periods would go away. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) AD At least King Kong was wearing his boxers when he backed up to Matilda's window. (Jack McCombs, Fairfax, Va.) The smoke billowing from upstairs didn't upset Dora half as much as seeing that her husband had hung the curtains outside. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) It was the third time this month that the elusive "HH" had tagged her windows. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) As she was getting on in years, Gertrude suspected that she might have gone dotty. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Whenever Shirley wore her T-Bone Steak Perfume, all the dogs in the neighborhood pressed their noses to the window. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Edna spends another sleepless night in dread of the Purple-People Eater. (Kathleen Delano, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) It wasn't what she imagined it would be. But as evening fell, Cruella DeVil settled in for her first night in hell. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) AD So it was true, Marge realized: The garden club had blackballed her. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Life inside a giant colander was usually tranquil. But Fran was always on alert for the horror of another Pasta Night. (Sam Mertens) After Connie rubbed her little lamp and made a wish to get ink, she realized she should have specified: " "¦ in the Style Invitational." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Image without a caption PICTURE B Oh dear, I must have mixed up the grandbaby with the recycling. Nancy will be so upset." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) "Harold, I think our ride to hell is here." (John Kupiec, Fairfax; Bird Waring) "Damn, I knew it was a mistake to put all our eggs in there." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Ralph Ellison's origin story is not widely known. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "Hmm, the basket's empty. Maybe it's a lostling." (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) "Hey, I left a red ball labeled 'B' in that basket, and now it's gone." (Martin Bancroft, Bellevue, Wash.) Image without a caption PICTURE C AD Second place and the card game Fart!: The thankless job of the congressional whip is supplemented high on the Hill by the lonely voteherd. (Jeff Contompasis) Third place: "She said she wanted to see other people, so I'm bringing her you guys." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) "HOV lane, here I come!" (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) "No one leaves this dealership before I go a mile to put a smile on your face!" (Martin Bancroft) "Yep, this is how we handle shoplifters here on Rodeo Drive." (Larry Yungk, Wyoming, Ohio) Following the impeachment, Mitt and Susan are forced to practice goose-stepping as part of their re-indoctrination. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Faced with photographic evidence, Weinstein's lawyers argued that the couple begged him to give them a rope massage. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) AD "All right, you two, let's give those Date Lab readers a happy ending, okay?" (Kerry Humphrey, Arlington, Va.) "I knew you'd get in trouble for stealing Art Garfunkel's toupee." (Barbara Turner) Image without a caption PICTURE D Fourth place: The Last Pillar of Democracy was the final exhibit at the Newseum. (Stephen Dudzik; Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) "So what if it's been stolen? Let's just get another banana — who'll know the difference?" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) The Trump Library displays the partially finished "Two Corinthians." (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) "We thought it best to remove the 'Spirit of Justice,' as its presence might be perceived as critical of certain people." (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Ancient Greek spreadsheets only had one column. (J. Larry Schott) Art lovers were stunned at the brilliance of "Exhibit Closed for Cleaning." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) AD The famous Nothingburger in the Fox News Hall of Fame. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio; Dawn Reed, Virginia Beach, Va., a First Offender) "Psst! He's hiding it behind his back." (Tom Murphy, Bowie, Md.) Despite having been on display at the Louvre for 114 years, Rodin's "Le Piédestal" continues to puzzle first-time visitors. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Still running — deadline Monday, Feb. 24: our contest to make new words from given ScrabbleGrams racks. See wapo.st/invite1371. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here (tinyletter.com/TheEmpress) to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. Important: The email now comes directly from the E, so even if you used to get the newsletter every week, you may need to sign up again. Sorry — it takes just a second. ====================================================================== WEEK 1373, published March 1, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1373: Prime time for creative product reviews Rave about a frying pan, a spatula, a men's micro-thong and more. Plus jokes about typos. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Feb. 27, 2020 at 9:30 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to this week's winning jokes involving typos and misheard words) From 2019: Flat shoelaces, 5/16-inch wide: My doctor told me to get a neti pot, but these were way cheaper! The plastic bits on the end hurt, though, so only 4 stars. (Todd DeLap) From 2012: Emery boards, 24 count: I file my fingernails for hours and hours every day, and these boards never let me down. They're so gratifying that lately I've been compelled to stop young women on the street and file their nails, too. Thanks, Revlon! (Rob Cohen) From 2014: Cotton balls, 200 count: I can't believe you call them durable for everyday cleanup — when I used them to scour my frying pan, they fell apart in a minute! (Edward Gordon) Black elastic hair ties, 200 pieces Read their lips. See their hips. This week's second prize. (Dover Publications, 1990) Read their lips. See their hips. This week's second prize. (Dover Publications, 1990) 100 latex balloons, 11 inches, 10 each of 10 colors AD Gold unicorn-horn headband Brave Person men's micro thong underwear 10.25-inch cast iron skillet 13-inch nonstick slotted spatula 3-by-3-inch yellow Post-it notes, 12 pads of 100 It's the latest installment of a contest the Empress has been running since 2012, before The Washington Post needed to include the line "Amazon founder and chief executive Jeff Bezos owns The Washington Post" in every story mentioning Mr. B's other little venture. This week: Send us a humorous "review" (like the samples at top from our earlier contests) for any of the Amazon-listed items above — click on the links to see the exact items we're using this week. Keep them brief; 75 words would be long for us. The reviews must not cause harm to the manufacturer or seller. Feel free to post the reviews on Amazon itself after we post the results. AD Submit up to a total of 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1373 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 9; results will appear March 29 in print, March 26 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulous book of paper dolls of "George [H.W.] Bush and His Family," dated 1990 — during his presidency — and featuring pictures of many descendants as children, including a teenage George W. But what made the Empress flutter her little fan were the long-legged President 41 wearing only a T-shirt tucked into white briefs, and Barbara Bush looking like a Lingerie Model of Age in a slinky black slip and, of course, pearls. Fortunately, you can cover them up in 24 matronly and, uh, patronly suits. Donated by Pie Snelson. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Blunderachievers" is by Kevin Dopart; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, reviews each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1373. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Blunderachievers: Typo jokes from Week 1369 "Gosh. Crafting a joke is way harder than making puns," noted one longtime Loser with hundreds of inks to his name "¦ who didn't get ink this week. True enough, the challenge of Week 1369 — to tell a joke involving a typo or misheard word — proved impossibly daunting to all but a few Loserly efforts. In fact, some of the funnier tales turned out to be true. 4th place: The bride's friends were taken aback when she got a boob job immediately after the honeymoon. She explained: "We exchanged notes at the wedding about our wishes for each other. Mine said, 'Always be kind.' And his said, 'Just do your bust and we'll be happy forever.' " (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) AD 3rd place: "I'd like some new boots for my birthday," my wife said. "Nice ones like Nicki got." "Nicki's are spectacular," I agreed. "Do you know the name of her plastic surgeon?" "Boots! Boots!" (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) 2nd place and the monkey-butt tissue dispenser: At the National Spelling Bee: Pronouncer: Your word is "Missouri." Contestant: Use it in a sentence, please P: Kansas City is located in Missouri. C: Missouri: K-A-N-S-A-S. Missouri. P: I'm sorry, that is incorr "¦ Ahem, I'm being informed that we have now been instructed to consider that the preferred spelling. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Police later determined that the stampede began when Cy's cousin arrived with beer and announced to the party, "I've got the Coronas, Cyrus!" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AD Oops C's: Honorable mentions Diner looking at menu: "Whoever runs this restaurant must be nuts! Why would anyone want to eat a half-fried chicken?" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) So yeah, I texted my mother-in-law pictures of my bare butt on the beach. Well, look here at my phone: She asked me to send her photos of the hineymoon at Cabo. (Mark Raffman) Note on a doorstep: "Dear trick-or-treaters: I am away for the evening but please help yourself to a treat from my bowel." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Q. Why did the British millennial spend the night in the bathroom at work? A. His boss sent him an email asking him to "stay in the loo in case I need you on this new deal." (Mark Raffman) Sign in a hotel lobby: "The sofa cushions are currently being cleaned. We apologize for the incontinence." (Jesse Frankovich) AD Sheila was spending her first semester away from home when her parents received this text: "Doing everything to raise $1,000, sort of dropping all my classes to become a paid escort." She waited 10 minutes, then followed up: "Sorry, that should read 'short of,' not 'sort of' — and only need $100!" She got $500. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) "Jeez, you guys," Barr complained. "Nice tighty-whities, but all I said was this was no place for Pence." (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) A man was asked to care for his neighbor's cat over the weekend. The neighbor explained that the cat was very constipated and required four to six doses of medicine over the next two days. "When the neighbor returned Sunday evening, the man met him outside. "I never made it to forty-six, but when you step inside your house, you'll know your cat is no longer constipated." (Drew Bennett, on a cruise ship in Tahiti) AD Correction: Last week's bulletin meant to say that the church is looking for couples who SING. We regret the added "w" and thank the many who responded. (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) "U wanna do the wankathon with me? Come on, it'll be fun. We'll go for the whole day and we can do it side by side. TMB." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) AND SOME TRUE STORIES: My new French teacher had an unfamiliar Belgian accent. Which is why I couldn't figure out why she told us to put late assignments in her boîte de toilette, or "toilet box." It turned out to be nothing so odd: it was the similarly pronounced boîte aux lettres, letter box. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) A good friend told me she was having bad pain from cancer. I meant to text her, "Sending you virtual hugs" — but it auto-corrected to "Sending you burial hugs." I caught it before sending, and now I've used up all my luck for the day. (Alex Blackwood, Houston) AD My young nephew had trouble saying "sh"; "hush" came out as "huss," "mashed" as "massed." One day he and my son were jostling each other in the supermarket checkout lane — and my nephew complained to his mom in his loudest 5-year-old voice: "CHRIS IS GETTING PUSSY WITH ME!" My sister-in-law never went back to that store. (Dave Davies, Locust Grove, Va., a First Offender) Still running — deadline Monday night, March 2: our "Balliol rhyme" contest. See wapo.st/invite1372. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1374, published March 8, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1374: 'Versus' verses We again salute 'Epic Rap Battles of History'; plus winning feats of wordplay on names. Image without a caption By Pat Myers March 5, 2020 at 10:03 a.m. EST(Click here to skip down to the winners of our contest for using only the letters in someone's name to write about that person) And it's Che Guevara, 1950s Latin revolutionary turned left-wing middle-class icon! vs. Guy Fawkes, failed plotter against the British crown in 1605! in an Epic Rap Battle of History! CHE: I got my face on a magnet on your roommate's fridge! Your head is on a spike up on London Bridge! GUY: I'm Catholic, I've got Mass when I'm rappin'! You're an ump-Che! (That's Bay of Pigs Latin.) Mother Teresa vs. Sigmund Freud! Jacques Cousteau vs. Steve Irwin! Joker vs. Pennywise! Ronald McDonald vs. the Burger King! These are just a few of the recent Epic Rap Battles of History, a hugely popular series of videos — 14 million YouTube subscribers — that The Style Invitational last saluted all the way back in 2012, at the suggestion of Loser Mike Gips, who reminded the Empress that the franchise is still going strong. AD Not-so-great shakes: A Space Needle ring-toss snow globe. Not-so-great shakes: A Space Needle ring-toss snow globe. It's time to lay down some new ink. And now that it's so much easier to make a video these days — you can even put in the lyrics — we hope some of you will give us something to watch and listen to as well as to read on the page. This week: Write a mini-"rap battle" between any two characters, real or fictional, as in the ERB example above, which quotes two couplets from a 2½-minute video. By mini-, we mean one or two rhyming couplets per character — so four to eight lines total. (If you're doing a video, you can go much longer, but it has to be fun to watch, even without fancy production values. To submit it, post it on YouTube and send us a link, along with the lyrics. You can have an extra week to make it.) A note on the rhyming: This rap contest differs from other Invite poetry and song contests in that the Empress won't demand "perfect rhyme," especially in a video; normally she'd just trash-toss "rappin' "/"Latin," as in the Che-Guy example. But perfect rhyme is still a big plus — and don't even think of "rhyming," say, "Illinois" and "groin," as does one of the Epics. AD Submit up to a total of 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1374 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 16 (videos March 23); results will appear April 5 in print, April 2 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Loser Travel Souvenir 2-Pak: (a) a snow globe containing a little snowy Seattle Space Needle and some little rings that you try to toss over the Needle when you shake the globe (the Empress succeeded only in dislodging the little Mount Rainier behind it); and (b) one of those oval letter-code decals for your car, this one for the Florida Keys; it says "FK." The globe was donated years and years ago by Loser Cheryl Davis; the decal is from neo-Floridian Nan Reiner. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Wit's in a Name" is by Chris Doyle: Chris and Tom Witte both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, reviews each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1374. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Wit's in a name: The ink from Week 1370 In Week 1370 the Empress asked you to write about someone using only the letters in that person's name, along with an optional short title. We got some amazing entries, including a full-page synopsis of "Hamilton" and a full-on Trump tweetstorm (see the bottom of the column). The entries were written before the Democratic field shrank; we think the ones about the now-ex-candidates are still worth sharing. 4th place: Stormy Daniels: Donald meets me, eyes my sensational ta-tas and smiles. I'm starry-eyed. Soon I'm led to a room and, er, nailed. Ardor? Nada. It seemed sorta seedy to me, a one-and-done tryst. At any rate, ten years later I'm sent an NDA and money (a lot!) to stay silent. I'm told, "Don't mention it to anyone — or else." I'm really rattled, and I do it. So yesterday I retained an attorney, and I'm not intimidated anymore. I intend to tell my story — in all its messy, nasty details. And a Mario toadstool's in it! (Sorry, Melania.) (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) AD 3rd place: Michael Bloomberg: Commercial, commercial, commercial . . . (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2nd place and the nifty noodly hat: Gwyneth Paltrow: Hot new talent, hype galore. Won the top honor! Then went totally loopy, won the lottery with Goop — e.g., Goopglow, Goop Glow-Getter. What are they? Plant taproot? Hog tallow? Eagle poop? Are they healthy? Worry not. They were on Oprah. The wealthy now want, want, want! (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Senator Elizabeth Warren: She's so able, so aware! Nah, we want a bro. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Appellation fail: Honorable mentions Neil Armstrong: Millions stare at sets as Eagle settles on moon. Astronomers see timeless glories as original images roll in. A stage is set, soon more great NASA missions to sail again to stars — an' Mars. Neil orates: "One small stroll to me, one giant milestone to man" (more or less). (Donna Saady, Rockville, Md.) AD Kim Jong Un: "I'm nuking Kokomo!" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Stephen Miller: "Pile them in steel pens — the little peeps, the preteens. This is the repellent!" His enemies? Helpers, lenient men. His limits? Nein. (Frank Mann, Washington) Charles Darwin: He sailed, saw hidden areas, was in awe. His science ideas were called chic, and derided as insane. And see! Here is his award: Dan and Earl's idea: a dare, a wild car race in hail and rain! Dawn, red cars race . . . Earl's ahead! And here's Dan! Whaaa? Slides! A wall! Crashes! The news headline: "New Darwin Award winners." (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) Attorney General William Barr: "I agree." (Angry Twitter rant by T.) "I no longer agree." (Steve Smith) Composer Ludwig van Beethoven: He lost his hearing, but his marvelous music is loved all over the world: overtures, sonatas, concertos — we treasure it all. But the best was last: In the Ninth he hit a home run! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) AD Rush Limbaugh: I'm a bigass humbug, a brash liar. I laugh as I bash libs. USA! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Rush Limbaugh: Ugh. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: "An elected Latina socialist! A ditz!" cries Not At All Sexist Don. "A terrorist! Exit! Reenter old lands!" cries Not At All Racist Don. Donnie, AOC is a local. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Christopher Columbus: I suppose this is the spot! Cool! It's ours! Uh, hello, people . . . (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Alan Dershowitz: Does Don's dirt, shreds law. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) Vladimir Putin: "Mai dir Trump, u did vut I vantid. Vail dun." (Sarah Walsh) Melania Trump: I'm lamentin' maintainin' an appallin' unappealin' immature petulant partner in a perpetual marital trap. (Jesse Frankovich) AD Senator Lindsey Graham: "My giddiest memory in the last three years is the time I got to slither at Donny's heels and admire his shoes. . ." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Greta Thunberg: Be a great nature nagger, get a better Earth. (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) George and Kellyanne Conway: Wow, awkward! George can knock Donald all day. Kellyanne, a loyal ally, can only call Donald good. George and Kellyanne are angry, y'all. Really angry. Agree on Donald? No way! George and Kellyanne are wed? We'd wager not long. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) Mayor Pete Buttigieg: A boy? I'm a mature guy. Gay? True, but I got game — ARMY game. I'm your top bet to beat Trump — big time. Yo, Mr. Mega-Braggart-Pu**y-Grabber: Bite me! (Chris Doyle) Florida Man: Informal, amoral, non-normal, random oaf. Marlin fan, florid drain aroma, no molar, nomad-on-lam; mania for mom, a minor, an animal, or a minor animal mom. Fond of foil, flim-flam, a marina drama, an alarm, a fail. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AD [Astros player] Alex D. Bregman: A garbageman rang an alarm. BANG! BANG! Alex and gang earned an edge"¦ and a banner. Nabbed! Damn! MLB enraged: "game demeaned, brand endangered!" A deal emerged. Manager and general manager are blamed. Er, ex-manager and general manager. (Steve Smith) Prince Harry: Heir epiphany: Happier here in periphery, nary a peer in reach. Rear Archie near an inane, archaic, crappy, creepy hierarchy? Nay! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Bernie Sanders: Derides brand-dressed earners as diseased, inbred sinners; disdains insiders as bribed. N.B.: Drab-dressed Bern's addresses raise insane bread! (Duncan Stevens) Duncan Stevens: Suave Duncan sends aces — vast, decent, even nuanced. Dense Dave S. sends uneven duds. SAD! (Dave Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va., a First Offender) Peter Paul Montgomery Buttigieg: Not a Bernie Bro nor Barry Obama, but a popular antitotalitarian multilingual military man, patriot, millennial, guitar/piano-player, one-time mayor, in a legitimate marriage (not to belittle Melania). Pro: paying more money to any earner, gun re-buy, legal pot, reparation. Prob: Get better ability to entertain (i.e. boring); minority number not booming (i.e. too pale); generation gap (i.e. a mere baby). Openly gay man? Yep! No biggie. Normal Pete reply: "Bye, bigot! Better get outta my lane." (Kevin Mettinger) President Donald John Trump: I'm the top man. No illusions. This top mind has no delusions. The nonstop, super-duper master o' disaster. The topper and most proper hate stopper in the Middle East. I'm so phat (that's Prettiest Hot And Temptin', to all the jealous haters and the partisan traitors) that all the ladies let me hold them in these not so tiniest hands. It's time the simple-minded Demo-rats in the loser press stop printin' their lies and tell the truth. I'm the most triumphant, all-time leader on this and all other planets. Not Pluto. Pluto's not a planet. I hate planets that aren't planets no more. I mean real planets: Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune and that's it. Those are all the real planets. There's more? No there isn't. Those people at NASA are all total liars. Pees out, stupid humps. — atrealdonaldtrump (Jon Gearhart) Alexander Hamilton: Exited natal land to enter another nation"¦ er, a land in the hand o' the red-attire men. I married the middle dame in a home that had a dollar and another dollar and more. Men in the nation are mad, "no taxation" and all that. Red-attire men enter the nation, their intention to exterminate the notion that the men not in the land don't head it. The nation had no militia, made one, had a tall militia man head it. I'm the aide to the tall militia man; not on the line in the heat, rather a letter and another letter and another. More red-attire men enter, intimidate, terminate; the militia in the nation don't holler "Mama!", rather the militia had little metal ammo and hit them. I'd rather hit them too. Near the end, I hear the tall head militia man tell me, "Alex, head the militia in that area to annihilate the red-attire men." The militia and I hit them, and all the red-attire men exit the nation to their homeland. A real nation! Hoorah! In a little time, the tall militia man the exalted Nation Head, named me One Man 'Neath Nation Head. He named Tom, the D-R head, Other Man 'Neath Nation Head. Tom hated me "" the tall militia man did more that I told him than that Tom told him. At that time, I made an error. Another man had married a dame named Maria; I had Maria in a dirtier manner. The married man demanded I tender him a note or three or ten or more to not tell, and I tendered him more than one note. Tom learned I did that, and he did not tell. A little time later, the tall militia man told the nation, "I am not to remain nation head." The next nation head, little Mr. A., demoted me. Then I made a letter that told all that Maria and I did, and I told all the nation. I'm a moron. Later, Aaron (next Man 'Neath Nation Head") hated me; he told men I hindered him. He and I had little metal ammo and tried to hit one another. I did not hit him; he hit me. In a little time, I exited the mortal realm"¦ or in another more normal term, I died. A lot more time later, Lin Miranda read a tome and made a theater drama on me! It made a dollar and another dollar and another "" Lin had a hit! I remain on the ten-dollar note! I'm the man in demand! One more hoorah! Tom and Aaron are mad in their eternal dirt"¦ I mandate that their ethereal material exit the arena and do it alone in a dirtier manner. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Pat Myers: Empress sets parameters, assesses attempts at repartee, separates. Rare smart mastery: yes, sees press! Rest: errata — smarmy, seamy, taste-astray spate. Passes. (Duncan Stevens) Pat Myers: Psst, Empress! Yes, my yammers rate a pyre. Yet a sap may pray: May my eyes yet see me reap a paper's seamy type? (Nan Reiner) Still running — deadline March 9: our contest for "reviews" of various items listed on Amazon. See wapo.st/invite1373. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1375, published March 15, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1375: Mess With Our Heads It's our perennial bank headline contest. Plus new words from ScrabbleGrams 'racks.' (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers March 12, 2020 at 12:17 p.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning new words found in ScrabbleGrams "racks") Headline in an ad: Call today to connect with a senior living advisor Style Invitational bank head: Or book a seance to connect with a senior dead one Washington Post sports headline: Wizards fall with limited resources Eye-of-newt shortage causes sorcerers to weaken, stumble on beards It's one of the Empress's favorite perennial contests, since she used to write headlines for a living: Reinterpret an actual headline (or a major part of it) by adding a bank head, or subtitle, as in the examples above. The headlines may be from any publication, print or online, dated March 12-23, 2020. Please give the source and date for the headline so the Empress can verify it; see details on the entry form. AD ADVERTISING What prize could set your heart aflutter more than a defibrillator T-shirt? What prize could set your heart aflutter more than a defibrillator T-shirt? Submit up to a total of 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1375 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 23; results will appear April 12 in print, April 9 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a very large dark T-shirt celebrating heart defibrillator operators, the ones who can make your berserk heart unberserk again with those emergency paddles. The legend: "If You Fib, I Will Paddle You." Donated with heartfelt generosity by Loser Edward Gordon. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Rack 'n' LOL" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart; Kevin, William Kennard and Jesse Frankovich all sent in the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column reviews each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1375; this week (published late afternoon on Thursday, March 12) features classics from earlier Mess With Our Heads contests. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Rack 'n' LOL: Winning ScrabbleGrams neologisms Week 1371 was the seventh go-round of The Tile Invitational, in which we listed 45 "racks" from the ScrabbleGrams word game and asked readers to find a new word or phrase, of five to seven letters, from any of the racks. 4th place: ABELMNU> UNBLAME: The Senate's new role. "We need to unblame the president for today's minor misstep," McConnell stated after Trump's order to bomb the Eiffel Tower. (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) 3rd place: AAEGMPR > PRE-MAGA: Back when you could still talk to your brother-in-law at Thanksgiving. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) AD 2nd place and the 'Meh' cuff links: AAFIPRT >AIRPAT: Gesture of condolence or friendship when touching isn't a good idea. "The campaign asked Joe Biden to please replace hugs with airpats." (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: AAEHRSY > HERSAY: What often gets less credence than himsay. "Nineteen women have accused me of harassment? That's just hersay." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Hitting rack bottom: Honorable mentions AAEHRSY > SHAREY: Mediocre wine you bring to a party. "Honey, it's only the Thompsons. Let's just take a bottle of sharey." (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) EIIMPRW > WE RIP: How Nancy Pelosi ends the sentence "When he goes low . . ." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) ABELMNU > LAB MENU: "Rats! I forgot to bring my lunch. But hey, that gives me an idea . . ." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) AD AAEHRSY > EASY RAH: A fan who's loyal to a fault. "You still have Redskins season tickets? Man, you're such an easy rah." (Duncan Stevens) AAACLPS > A SCALP: Media slang for catching a photo of a lily-white pate under a flapping, gel-cemented nest of dyed yellow wool over a flaming-orange forehead. (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) AAAJMPS > PAJASM: The "ohhh" moment that comes from getting out of your work clothes putting on your warmest PJs on a cold evening. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) AAAJMPS > SPAJAM: That gunk they charge $150 to smear on your face. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) AABDNNO > NANABOD: The perfect comfy physique for snuggling with grandchildren. (Maggie Haring, Leesburg, Va.) AABDNNO > NANODAB: How much Brylcreem would do ya. (Alan Zirkle, Fredericksburg, Va., who got his only previous blot of ink in 1998) AABMNOT > NO BAM: "Emeril really doesn't like your food, man." (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) AABMNOT > NOT BAMA: Unofficial tourism slogan of 49 states. (Duncan Stevens) AACELPT > PAL ETC.: A friend with benefits. (Jonathan Jensen) AACELPT > CAT-PLEA: "Get off my frickin' keyboard!" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) AACELPT > EAT/CLAP: Pejorative term for a dinner theater. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) AADELMR > LARD ME: "I'll have the refried beans." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) AADENNT > TAN END: The line across the forehead where the bronzer stops. (Jesse Frankovich) AADENNT > DE NANA: "They wouldn't give you a cookie? That's okay, Grandma will take care of it." (Duncan Stevens) AADHILS > HI — SALAD: Extremely unlikely reply to "Hello, Mr. President. What can I get you for lunch?" (Jesse Frankovich) AD AADILWY > AWAYLID: Beer-resistant cap. I always wear my Mets awaylid at Nationals Park. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) AADILWY > DIY LAW: Why bother with pesky Congress when you can make your own EZ executive order? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) AAEGMPR> MAP RAGE: What families used to endure before lost dads had GPS to yell at. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AAFFIRS > SAFFIAR: "I got this ring for just 500 bucks — look at the box and see what kind of jewel it is!" (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) AAFFIRS > FAIR AF: What millennial would-be judges claim to be at their confirmation hearings. (Duncan Stevens) AALMORY > YO ALARM: A clock that wakes you with a call like "Hey, you with the face! Get up." (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) ABBDMOR > BARDOM: What many a high school freshman endures while studying "Romeo and Juliet." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) AD ELORTTY > LET ROT: Short for "laissez-faire." (Steve Honley, Washington) ABDNOSX > ABNOX: Flaunting a perfect midsection. "That guy who wears the crop top in the gym to show off his six-pack — so abnox!" (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii, a First Offender) ABEGMOR > ME GO BAR: Cookie Monster's first words when daily filming ends. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) ABELMNU > NUMBLE: To try to speak before the Novocain wears off. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) ABILRRY > LIARY: A journal of one's supposed activities. "Dear Liary: Today I won yet another Lose Cannon. I'm running out of shelf space!" (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) ACDERSU > SAD ECRU: Ecru. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) EGINOSU > GENIOUS: A very stable, very smart person who is the BEST speller and don't let the fake news tell you otherwise. (Mark Raffman) AD GILRTUY> RU GILTY: Opening question in trials of the future, when the overburdened justice system tries all misdemeanors with plea bargains by text: RU GILTY? WHT YR SENTENCE 4 YES 1 MONTH PROBATN K GILTY (Lynda Hoover, Shepherdstown, W.Va.) FLMMOUX > MF MXL: Obscenity uttered by a frustrated ancient Roman trying to fill out his federal income tax form. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Still running — deadline Mon-day, March 16: Our contest for a mini-"rap battle" between two figures in history. See wapo.st/invite1374. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1376, published March 22, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1376: Get thee to a funnery Add a character to a Shakespeare play; plus winning 'Balliol rhymes' Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers March 19, 2020 at 10:09 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning "Balliol rhymes" about famous people) Hotspur from "Henry IV, Part I": This sickness doth infect the very lifeblood of our enterprise. Donald Trump: Maybe it'll disappear by April. Everyone says I know a lot about this stuff. Leontes from "A Winter's Tale": Mine honest friend, will you take eggs for money? Gwyneth Paltrow: Sure! Guess what I can do with them! The Style Invitational: Providing Diversion to the Socially Distant since 1993. Greetings to the Loser Community from Mount Vermin, the Empress's palace, where nobody's (yet) shut down the mass gathering of Invite entries. So bring them on from your various personal bunkers. Do, however, wipe down your keyboards so as not to poison my laptop. Thank you. Missing your sports fix? Here's something that you can play even under quarantine. Missing your sports fix? Here's something that you can play even under quarantine. This week's contest: Add a character (or more) to a Shakespeare play and supply some resulting dialogue, as in the examples above from Duncan Stevens, Thane of Loserdom, who suggested the contest. They can be more than one line, but don't write a whole scene or anything. You can find the whole oeuvre online at opensourceshakespeare.org. AD Submit up to a total of 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1376 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 30; results will appear April 19 in print, April 16 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives (as we begin to reach back into the Style Invitational Prize Hoard) Rocket Launcher ("Play while you sit"), a setup in which you tap a pedal that shoots a foam projectile toward a target you hang on a door. The illustration on the box shows a joyful man in mule slippers using it while sitting on the toilet, which is why, I guess, the game includes a "Do Not Disturb" sign, though, um, do you really need to post such a warning on a closed bathroom door? Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Slam Iamb" is by Kevin Dopart; both Jesse Frankovich and Jon Gearhart submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday, March 19, reviews each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1376; this week, Shakespearean humor from various Invite contests over the years. (Hey, the 'Vite just celebrated its 27th birthday, by the way. Please sing for us as you wash your hands.) And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Slam Iamb: Inking 'Balliol rhymes' from Week 1372 In Week 1372 we asked for modern-day "Balliol rhymes" — little first-person verses (just four lines, four beats a line) published by campus wags at Oxford's Balliol College in 1880, mocking various muck-a-mucks. 4th place: Coronavirus goes, well, viral, And stocks are falling in a spiral. Trump needs a guy to blame, and hence, I'm now the Virus Czar, Mike Pence. (Francesca Kelly, Highland Park, Ill.) AD 3rd place: Inmate #06581138Z I miss my old familiar bed With cringing nymphs. Instead, I dread This bunk where Cimex lay their larvae. What a crime. I'm Weinstein (Harvey). (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii) 2nd place and the Bodily Fluid Cleanup Kit: Folks often ask me, "Mitch McConnell, Why hold the same dumb views that Don'll? Why not decry the bunk he's uttered?" Well, duh! I know where my bread's buttered. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: I'm the slippery Gordon Sondland; Bought my way into Fake-Blond-Land. Spilled the beans, then got the sack — I want my million dollars back. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) Missed the mock: Honorable mentions Chris Matthews, I, whose latest gaffe Became my "Hardball" epitaph. My Bernie crack was all in fun: I did Nazi what I had done. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) AD Barr here. When I pick up the phone, And hear, "Hey, Bill, ease up on Stone!" Do we pull levers here at Justice? Gosh, no! We're totes impartial! Trust us! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) I'm Trump the Great! Still they demean My genius with covid-19! Dunno why everybody chides; There are good life-forms on both sides. (Nan Reiner) I, John Bolton, hid too long; I timed my coward's silence wrong. If they would let me speak what's true, I'd say that Trump [REDACTED] too! (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) "Unfair!" says Amy Klobuchar. "My record shows that I'm a star! So how could I have met defeat From such a twerp as Mayor Pete?" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) My name is Mitt, or Willard Romney; Though, once I was my party's nom'nee, Last month I flexed my spinal bone And now I eat my lunch alone. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AD A tenured Pat, my name's Tom Brady; Foes have oft yclept me shady. Should my post I abdicate, New England hearts will fast deflate. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Giannis Antetokounmpo The Greek Freak, Giannis is my name And basketball's my favorite game. Why do I play? For team? For pay? It's for the Bucks whichever way. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Gun control, a border wall, Green New Deal, and a football: Four things that can't pass in D.C. I'm Dwayne Haskins, your QB. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) My name is Lady Liberty. I welcome you, if you should be With bulging purse, and you're from Norway. Otherwise, back out the doorway. (Nan Reiner) Democratic National Committee In the Democratic fashion, We're for every creed and passion. Woke, diverse and so enlightened Though our candidates have whitened . . . (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) AD Brett Kavanaugh I'm Justice Brett, Trump's contribution; Now, with my help, the Constitution That keeps our system's legal roof on Is one more thing for him to boof on. (Duncan Stevens) I'm visionary Elon Musk, A little fey, a little brusque. I chase each dream with passion strong! (Until the next one comes along.) (David Smith, Stockton, Calif.) Eve "That apple looks so bright and red! I have to take a bite!" I said. As human history now confirms, I opened up a can of worms. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Jeff Sessions is my moniker; My Trump-love's now platonicker. I'll win my Senate primary If all the elves come out for me. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Roger Stone I'm convict Roger, so unfair! Those biased jurors, I don't care: The pardon process is on track — Like Nixon, Donald has my back. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) AD Vladimir Putin "I should've been in law," said Vlad. "I'd be best lawyer world has had And, most agree, no hesitance, The best at setting presidents." (Jon Gearhart) I, Nancy P., sat through the speech By Donald (skin the hue of peach). Was I affected? Moved? Sure, yup! I'm sure you saw me tearing up. (Duncan Stevens) My name is Rod Blagojevich. I admit it: I was nojevich I'd never get a pardon. Odd, But one spoiled child just spared a Rod! (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) I'm Marie Kondo, and I'm fond o' Reduction. Why four beats per line, If two work fine? (Frank Osen) I am Jeff, a man of wealth, A specimen of strength and health. I spread my grace from coast to coast (Disclaimer: Jeffrey owns The Washington Post) (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) I am the Empress, of this Earth, The self-styled judge of what has worth. 'Tis I who finds the pearls of wit Amongst the steaming piles of bad poetry. (Combining entries from Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass., and Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) AD Still running — deadline Monday, March 23: — Bank headlines from our Mess With Our Heads contest. See wapo.st/invite1375. — Plus videos for our homage to "Epic Rap Battles of History." See wapo.st/invite1374. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1377, published March 29, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1377: Make your own March Madness Tell (or show) us a game (etc.) you can put together at home. Plus fun Amazon reviews. Image without a caption By Pat Myers March 26, 2020 at 10:01 a.m. EDT(Click here to skip down to this week's winning product reviews of random items) Greetings from Mount Vermin, the Empress's palace deep in the wilds of suburban Washington. We're happy to report that we're asymptomatic — unless you count our congenital absence of taste. It's hard by now to even imagine this, but just three weeks ago, plans were still on for the NCAA basketball tournaments to be in the thick of March Madness this very weekend. Instead, sports fans are finding themselves watching video of classic hoops action among men in those little shorts fluttering a few inches over their four-foot-tall legs. The Empress exhorts you: Don't just sit there! Sit there and think of some sport, game, art project or other activity that you can conjure up using various items that you might find around the house. Pictures/video of actual conjured-up things are welcome, but just telling us your idea is fine as well. We're casting a wide net here in our plea for funny, especially original funny. AD We deliver: Japanese erasers in the shape of Chinese food. We deliver: Japanese erasers in the shape of Chinese food. Submit up to a total of 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1377 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, April 6; results will appear April 26 in print, April 23 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a package of adorable little erasers in the shapes of Chinese dim sum food: little rubber steamed dumplings in little rubber bamboo steamers, plus a little rubber plate of little rubber salmon pieces. The package labels them "Chinese food" but also "Japanese puzzle eraser," "Japan quality" and "Made in Japan." Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. This week's contest was suggested by Ward Kay in a Style Invitational Devotees brainstorming session. The headline "Amazon.comedy" is by Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday, March 26, reviews each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1377; this week, what The Style Invitational did following 9/11. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Amazon.comedy: The 'reviews' of Week 1373 Week 1373 was another installment of our contest asking for funny "reviews" of some items listed on Amazon.com. Too many people to credit saw that the men's thong would make a nice face mask; complained that every one of the 100 balloons arrived with no air in them; touted The Post-it Notes' use as multi-seamed wallpaper; and griped that 200 hair elastics wouldn't be enough because they had more than 200 hairs. (These were written before we all stopped in our tracks for the duration.) AD 4th place: Brave Person men's micro thong underwear: Bailey absolutely rocked this look at the dog park. Next time we're wearing matching outfits! (Martin Bancroft, Bellevue, Wash.) 3rd place: Black elastic hair ties, 200 pieces: Loved the quantity — the whole pack made a perfect sweater for my pet snake. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) 2nd place and the George H.W. Bush paper-doll book: 10.25-inch cast iron skillet: It's all right, but you're never going to get a truly authentic French omelet without committing to metric. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: 13-inch nonstick slotted spatula: Great for grilling — you can swat it down on flies and slide it under a burger to flip practically in one motion! (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Losers also viewed . . . Honorable mentions Black elastic hair ties, 200 pieces: Really appreciate the "no-metal" version. Makes it a lot easier to dry my hair in the microwave. (Frank Mann, Washington) AD I'm greatly attracted to women's hair, and love to move in close to admire it. With a few of these in my pocket, I can accessorize it as well. Women love it! — joefromdelaware (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) I was thrilled to find these because it's almost impossible to find ties specifically designed for elastic hair. They're incredible! "" Helen Parr (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Gold unicorn-horn headband: I wore this and no one came near me at the funeral, which was perfect since I didn't know the deceased. Buffet was great. Five stars! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) This is great for the little ones! I told my 3-year-old that every time she lies, a unicorn loses its horn. So I put this under her bed. She was so upset she confessed to everything. Kids are so stupid. Four stars. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) AD No wonder unicorns are nearly extinct, what with the Chinese using their horns for their medicine and Amazon using them for childish costumes. For shame! (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) 100 latex balloons, 10 each of 10 colors When we ran out of latex gloves at the hospital, these were very "handy": I put one on each finger. Good thinking to provide 10 for each color! (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Do you really want to go into a hospital right now just for some "procedure"? With a little DIY practice, you can perform your own angioplasty with these balloons. 100 tries to get it right with each package! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) These are perfect to put on the horn of my Unicorn Headband to let my co-workers know how I'm feeling every day. They never seemed to notice my mood rings, but they can't miss these! (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) AD We did some testing and it's true "" maybe pigs can't fly, but a three-pound Chihuahua can soar right up with these 100 pretty balloons attached. Give a wave and bark back at little Taco before firing a pellet gun at just enough of the balloons to bring the li'l astronaut back down in a smooth landing. Not recommended for windy days. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) 13-inch nonstick slotted spatula: As a chef I'd used many spatulas, but none longer than 11 inches. Now when I'm cooking at my restaurant and get that itch in the middle of my back, I have just the thing — the slots dig deep and that 13th inch really hits the spot. And because it's nonstick, the dead skin falls to the floor instead of the stove. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) For years I complained about my Swiss Army knife having no spatula; thanks to this and some super-glue, that's a thing of the past. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AD You know how in summer your sweaty thighs stick to plastic chairs? Well, I place one of these nonstick spatulas under each of my legs . . . and with a little twist and push I pop right out of my seat. (Kevin Dopart) I've been frustrated all my life trying to turn my eggs with a stick. This nonstick works much better. Five stars and two thumbs nondown. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Wow — when I gave this to my wife on our anniversary, she totally flipped! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Brave Person men's micro-thong underwear: I started wearing these three months ago and agree that "it's underwear you can wear every day." Whatever saves on laundry is fine with me! (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Love them! No more borrowing Mom's! (Erika Ettin, Washington) My wife has always given me grief for walking around the house in my underwear. Now she thinks I'm naked until I lift up my belly! HA! — Joke's on her! (H. Dudley Davidson, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) AD It's a fabulous product, the best. I can't see it when I wear it, but it feels amazing! Believe me, I look incredibly sexy. — J. Barron (Steve Smith) I noticed that your ad said each item is individually packed. I have three "items" down there, so do I need to wear three thongs? I'm confused. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) I'm pretty well "packaged," if you get my drift. But the size chart says a "small" is for someone 27 to 30 inches — doesn't sound "micro" to me! (Drew Bennett) 3-by-3-inch yellow Post-it Notes, 12 pads of 100 Inferior adhesive! I can't tell you how many times I've left one of these on the counter with a list of chores for all my family members, only for it to fall off and disappear before anyone had a chance to see it. One star! (Danielle Nowlin) These were great — while they lasted. But one day, without warning, they were all gone. Now here I am four years later without any way to remind myself to buy more. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) These notes won't stick to anything! And that aftertaste — yuck! (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.; Jack McCombs, Fairfax, Va.) These are so timely, and the 3-inch size so useful: I've been sticking them above my lip to hang in front of my mouth — a perfect cough guard! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) I use these to remember the names of my students, but they keep falling off their foreheads. The adhesive needs to be stronger. Two stars. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) These are fine, but I prefer a legal pad. Three stars. (Erika Ettin) Why do they describe these as "canary" yellow, when even novice bird-watchers know the hue is much closer to a warbler or immature goldfinch? (Frank Osen) 10.25-inch cast iron skillet: Got this to replace my 10.20-inch skillet. What a difference! (Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.) Worst frisbee ever. (Sam Mertens) You won't need an NDA to offer one of these as an office gift. Despite Elizabeth's confusion, what I've suggested to women many times at work is "skillet." — M. Bloomberg, New York (Kevin Dopart) Still running — deadline Monday, March 30: Our contest to add a character to a Shakespeare play. See wapo.st/invite1376. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1378, published April 5, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1378: It's (emergency) Parody Time Write us a song (or Covidio) about the Age of Corona. Plus our winning rap battles. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 2, 2020 at 10:12 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning rap battles between historical/literary figures) The Style Invitational last did a song parody contest just four months ago. But that was 2019 B.C.: Before Coronavirus. Even a matter of weeks ago, we didn't shudder involuntarily when we saw a photo of people gathering at a dinner table, chatting at the office, or even — eeek! — touching. And while the Internet has been teeming with "My Corona," "I Want to Wash My Hands," etc., the Loser Community still has a lot to work with out there. This week: Write a song about Life in the Age of Corona, set to a familiar tune (or even one of your own, if you perform it on video). It can be about the virus itself, about living in isolation, about our leaders. The humor can be pointed but not so bitterly angry that its wit is crushed. AD Hot off the old-fashioned letterpress: This week's second prize, created and donated by Loser Pete Morelewicz. Hot off the old-fashioned letterpress: This week's second prize, created and donated by Loser Pete Morelewicz. (Pete Morelewicz) If you make a video, we might feature it in the online Invite, but it's the quality of the lyrics that matters most. If you do, send us a YouTube link that the Empress could share in the results. But please: We are in the midst of a horrifying pandemic, overflowing with both tragedy and fear. And anger. And helplessness. And depression. I strongly believe, with evidence I see every day on social media and simply among friends, that humor helps us face our situation, helps bring a smile, if a wistful one. But for heaven's sake: It's emphatically not the time for sick humor, for anything making light of the power of this virus and the toll it has taken on our fellow human beings. We're out to make you (and your fellow readers) smile, even if wistfully. This is not the time for sick humor about a deadly disease. AD The poster being printed from the wood-block letters of the letterpress. The poster being printed from the wood-block letters of the letterpress. (Pete Morelewicz) Submit up to a total of 25 entries (in case you're Irving Berlin) at wapo.st/enter-invite-1378 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, April 20 (an extra week!); results will appear May 3 in print, April 30 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a very special, very timely prize: 34-time Loser Pete Morelewicz, who's an artist and graphic designer, has a hobby of creating posters and such on an old-fashioned letterpress, with raised wooden letters imprinting the text on the paper. Pete donated, for the Invite cause, a limited-edition poster reading "Thou Shalt Not Covid Thy Neighbor's Spouse. — Fauci 3:16." Perfect for framing over the bathroom sink. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Heavy-Wit Bouts" is by Tom Witte; Gary Crockett wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday, April 2, reviews each new contest and set of results. Especially if you're thinking of writing a song, check it out at wapo.st/conv1378. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Heavy-wit bouts: The rap battles of Week 1374 In Week 1374 we once again paid tribute to (a.k.a. ripped off the concept of) the YouTube series Epic Rap Battles of History with this Loserly rhyming trash talk between two historical, literary or, um, other figures. Be sure to check out the videos below as well. 4th place: Darth Vader vs. Luke Skywalker: Darth: Your lame-ass rebel band is green—you're all a bunch of rookies! Got the sprightliness of Yoda, the loquacity of Wookiees. Just froze your pal in rock for a bounty hunter! Sad! Frankly, I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm your dad. AD Luke: Can it, you robotic, creepy Empire-loving hack! The fire station called and they want their helmets back! And ditch the cape, Darth Dracula! What is this, Halloween? And Pops, about your breathing? Try an antihistamine. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: Kermit the Frog: What kind of monster teaches kids to want sugar? Cookie Monster: Me guess it not easy being color of booger. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2nd place and the Seattle Space Needle ringtoss snow globe: Pierre Curie vs. Marie Curie: Pierre: Don't confuse, you're just my muse, ain't no chauvinism, You're my student, I'm a PhD in magnetism! You know Curie's law? Well, it's named after me. And the unit of measure? It's "curie," not "marie"! Marie: So sad you think the unit's named after you, You got one Nobel, but I'm stylin' with two! You died in '06, run over by a carriage; Your name would be forgotten if not for your marriage! The more famous Curie? You best believe that I am. Je m'appelle Marie, but they call me Ma-DAMN! (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) AD And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Harriet Tubman: I'm an Abolition hero, Union soldier, scout and spy! Your face is on the twenty still — you wanna tell me why? Andrew Jackson: You're crazy if you think that off the twenty I'll be scoochin'! Don't care if you've got history, 'cause I've got Steve Mnuchin! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Peanut Eminems: Honorable mentions Shakespeare vs. Dr. Seuss: Will: Thou knave who pens these "books" for youth, with talking fauna most uncouth: Thy "doctorate"? The thought's absurd! Like elephant that hatches bird. Doc: I would not read a word you wrote, Not in a car or on a boat, Your fusty works? Not worth a damn, I would not read them, Will-I-am. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Salk and Sabin (created and performed by Bill Dorner) If you don't see the video below, click on this link: https://youtu.be/gWXu9BIm6dc Jonas Salk vs. Albert Bruce Sabin https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWXu9BIm6dc&feature=youtu.be Jonas: Yo, I started college at the age of 15, Then I saved the world with my polio vaccine! Albert: Your vaccine's okay, but I've got one quarrel, It's injectable, who wouldn't rather have oral? Jonas: Your Medal of Freedom's from 1986, Mine's from '77, so just hit the bricks! Albert: I'm the polio Pole, and my rhymes are so desirous, Your rap is dead, just like your vaccine's virus! (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Jill Biden: It's 20 years now that your Skins have been slidin'; You need lines that can block like the gals from Team Biden. Dan Snyder: Your women on dee-fense can't take any chances — They've learned by repulsing Joe's handy advances. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Ivanka Trump vs. Hunter Biden: Ivanka: The Senate probe's just underway But we all know what they will say: Your "service" on that Ukraine board Was shady, crooked and untoward. Hunter: Oh, I'm the one who's gone off wild? You're nepotism's poster child! So let those fools investigate me — At least my dad don't want to date me. (Mark Raffman) Ahab: You bilious blob of blubber, I am the champ! I'll chop you up for oil just to light my lamp. Moby Dick: Your obsession with me just makes me grin — Those kids in Freshman English know who'll win! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) AD Samuel Beckett: I wrote a groundbreaking play about men wasting their lives, You talked smack about Windsor and some merry old wives. Shakespeare: O these cuts, though unkind, have so wounded me — not! Perchance you're still mad 'bout bein' stiffed by Go-dot? (Frank Mann, Washington) Sprat Spat Mrs. Sprat: Consuming fat is where it's at, and that is that. I'm ultra-keto; Only blubber is my grubber. You're a lout to doubt my credo. Jack Sprat: "Here's the skinny: you're a ninny. Fat impacts your tracts with plaque, And passion flops (libido drops) with all the glops of lard you pack. Mrs. Sprat: "Like you control the passion—LOL! You're not King Cole, and I'm not Frito- Lay, and who is Jack-ass you to lecture me about libido?" Jack Sprat: "Ho, I'd veto any keto-eating credo. You can yak, but fat is wack. I'd rather snack on ipecac. You don't know Jack!" (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii) French Chef vs. Swedish Chef: Julia Child: My food's la bombe and yours is flawed. In Stockholm I'm the Smorgas-Broad. Swedish Chef: Ah svenska yom eh spoon i fork, Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn børk! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) AD Joe Biden: You're a socialist nut with a thing for Castro! You'll steal from the rich like a sign-swipin' Astro! Bernie Sanders: I've been fightin' for the workin' class all of my life, And at least I can tell my sister from my wife! (Jesse Frankovich) Michelangelo: I'm lookin' at your paintings and I gotta say I see no Real diff'rence from the scribbles of a one-armed bambino. Picasso: Your stuff is well known (for a ceiling-painting hack) And just like your mama, you work on your back. (Kevin Dopart) Franz Joseph Haydn: I wrote a hundred symphonies, and 50-some sonatas, Masses, oratorios, concertos and cantatas. My string quartets are glorious, my operas are terrific. You may have been a prodigy, but I'm the most prolific. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: You say you wrote some operas? They may be good, and yet How many are in regular rotation at the Met? Today there's quite a difference in the way that folks portray us: Nobody knows your story, but they've all seen "Amadeus." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Macbeth: "Macduff, you've got Macnuffin! Take that army back to Fife! I got this throne by following that floating ghostly knife; The witches say I'll keep it with a minimum of drama, There's no one that can hurt me, 'cept a dude who's got no mama." Macduff: "Usurper! Such a lame-ass fool, I call your buns inane! You hang around and watch the forest come to Dunsinane! No weirdo witch'll stop my sword from turning you to carrion, And yes, I had a mama. Ever heard of a Caesarean?" (Duncan Stevens) Edgar Degas: Don't like my dancers? Who made you the ref? I'm okay with the fact that they're awkward AF. That's body positivity and realness, man! Better than a dude sittin' on the can. Auguste Rodin: Hey! He's meditating! You shut your face! I've got beautiful figures all over the place! I celebrate the curves on the human body, Don't you dare say my Thinker's doing business on the potty! (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Pablo Escobar vs. George H.W. Bush (Video created and performed by Alejandro Cruz, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) If you don't see the video below, click here. Pablo Escobar vs. George H.W. Bush https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyQtAgv8CX8 This story starts in '80s and ends in the '90s. It's a little bit shady and a whole lotta grimy. First up: Pablo Escobar! "I'm a drug-dealing superstar, I've got cars and girls all over the world, Many a residence -- and dead presidents. Speaking of which, here comes George Bush! "Escobar, you're no star, I ran the CIA. Behind bars Is your buddy Nori-e—" "Don't finish that sentence, I won't be behind fences, Rather be shot in the street!" "Well, maybe that's an accommodation we can meet." (Alejandro Cruz, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) Wile E. Coyote: Yo, bird, you're creepin' meep-meepin', But know you'll soon be weepin' 'Cause I'm the wiliest, the smiliest, the super genius with plans beguiliest. The Road Runner: You say your fame is your fantastic brain, But I disdain your claim. You try and track me, you'll never sack me: 'Cause your plots and your schemes all end up with busted Acme. (Mary McNamara, Washington) Donald Trump: The Mouth of the House is thinkin' she can rap-battle me But I will never ever let her flappin' yap trap rattle me. Nancy Pelosi: He first said, "If you're sick, Go back to work. Think nothing of it." (Makin' good on his promise that he's got the country Covid) Trump: I know she says "Puh-low-see" but I think it's more "Puh-loser" Or maybe it's "Puh-lousy"? Well, they do both kinda suit her. Pelosi: He's such a wheelin'-dealin' and negotiatin' fella But can't negotiate onto to a plane with an umbrella! (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Al Gore: The last administration with a Bush'll be your dad's! You're hanging by a thread, just like a bunch of dimpled chads! You may be backed by Limbaugh and by all the other schlock jocks, But Holy Joe and I have this election in a lockbox. George W. Bush: Forget it, Al! You wanna count the votes again? Just try it. My Gucci-wearing pals will stage the world's lamest riot. You think I care if vote counts give you half a million more? There's only nine that matter, and I got 'em, 5 to 4." (Duncan Stevens) Guglielmo Marconi: I can make the airwaves sing like heavenly choirs. All you do is dot-dot-dash through coppery wires. Samuel Morse: I could rant and rave in response to such trash But all I will say is ..-. ..- (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) And Last: The Czar: I'm the king of the ink, I'm the champ of the choosers, The man in the lead of a legion of Losers! The Empress: It's time for the Czar to say sayonara — There's a new judge in town, and she's rockin' a tiara. (Jesse Frankovich) And Even Laster: I'm the original star, the Czar "" Without me, the Invite couldn't have gone far. I had T-shirts galore (though maybe not in your size). Did I mention that I've won a Pulitzer Prize? Well, now I'm the Empress; you may hold my tiara While I tell you of the Invite since your lame-o reign of erra. I rule Loserdom from the halls of Mount Vermin And slice through bad entries like Georgia was by Sherman. If you'd like to try to join the best punsters alive Submit to my dominion...and cull your jokes to 25. (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, April 6: Our contest for ideas of games, activities, etc., you can do/make with things around the house. See wapo.st/invite1377. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday afternoon, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1379, published April 12, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1379: You wish: a pun — a star Give us wordplay on song titles and lyrics. Plus Mess With Our Heads winners. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 9, 2020 at 10:17 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winner and losers of our bank head contest) Short form: How are Donald Trump's coronavirus news conferences like Elvis Presley's hound dog? They're 'quine, all the time. (Duncan Stevens) Long form: Intrigued by rumors that a group of Tennessee Jews has been marketing a brand of chewing tobacco, kosher food giant Manischewitz sends someone to investigate. He approaches a group of men loitering outside a Baptist church, spitting into cans, and he asks: "Pardon me, goys, is that the Chattanooga Jews' chew?" (Charles Frick, Style Invitational Week 347, 2000) This week's contest was suggested by Loser All the Time Duncan Stevens: Tell a joke, in your choice of form, whose punchline is a pun on a song title or lyric, as in Duncan's obviously brand-new example as well as one from a long-ago contest for groaner puns on any expression or passage. AD ADVERTISING If you're not already bleating pathetically: The Screaming Goat, this week's second prize. If you're not already bleating pathetically: The Screaming Goat, this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Submit up to a total of 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1379 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, April 20; results will appear May 10 in print, May 7 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives The Screaming Goat, which is a tiny plastic goat, maybe two inches high, that is perched on a plastic tree stump. When you push down on the goat, it emits a goatlike scream. You're guaranteed to have several seconds of fun listening to "the high-pitched bleats that caused the screaming goat sensation to go viral," according to the box. On the other hand, by now, several seconds might be more fun than you've had lately. Donated by Longtime Loser Drew Bennett. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Torquing Heads" is by Kevin Dopart; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late afternoon Thursday, April 9, reviews each new contest and set of results. This week, more results from that long-form pun contest in 2000 as well as the one in Week 1100 from 2014. Check it out at wapo.st/conv1379. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Torquing heads: Winning bank headlines Week 1375 was our perennial Mess With Our Heads contest, in which readers added a bank head, or subtitle, to a real headline from The Post or elsewhere. Many used "remote learning" as How to Teach Gramps to Use the Clicker. 4th place: Major Universities Stop Lab Research 'Who's a good dog?' to remain a mystery (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) 3rd place: My Co-worker Burps Loudly and Engages in Self-Talk Title set for tell-all book by Pence (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) AD 2nd place and the defibrillator T-shirt: Amid outbreak, Meals on Wheels is changing the way food is delivered Frustrated, dizzy customers long to return to Meals on Tables (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Queen's message of solidarity to the nation 'Fat-bottomed girls make the rockin' world go round' inspires Britons in time of need (Michelle Christophorou, Guildford, Surrey, England) Banks for nothing: Honorable mentions NFL changes draft to TV-only event 55-inch Samsung expected to be first pick (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) (Ad for kitchen cabinet remodeling) Don't Replace — Reface! Plastic surgery helping more couples avoid expensive divorces (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) What's still open in D.C. Hole in presidential face continues to spout misinformation (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) AD Fauci throws cold water on Trump's declaration that chloroquine is a 'game changer' 'I couldn't push him down, so I just splashed his paper with my drink' (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) 1 in 8 Trump voters lives in a county with no ICU beds ICE beds deemed more essential (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) U-Haul offers 30-day storage free for college students Parents must retrieve offspring from lockers by May 1 (Jesse Aronson, Arlington, Va.) 'We'll improvise and make it work' Copies of next week's Post to have perforations, cardboard tube (Howard Ausden, Damascus, Md., a First Offender) Living in the present Woman given isolation cottage by husband (Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.) Broadway to dim lights for a month 'Maybe virus won't see us' strategy questioned (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Coronavirus slowdown seen from space Extreme social distancing proves effective (Alex Steelsmith) AD Crocs to close all North American stores through end of month CDC sics carnivorous reptiles on nonessential businesses (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) D.C. Council to consider emergency measures this week Will vote Thursday on whether to put out raging fire in downtown building (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) From castle to cubicle On-his-own Prince Harry starts as admin assistant at real estate office (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Roy Ashley, Washington) How many rolls do you really need? White House physician boldly questions Trump about his diet (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Kitchen trends for 2020 Faucet that plays "Happy Birthday" twice tops the list (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) House, Senate leaders start to make changes to congressional routines Lobbyists must now leave bags of cash in designated touch-free drop zones (Allen Haywood, Washington) AD Effort is underway to thin jail population Inmates complain of forced Jazzercise (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Influential French chef elevated British cuisine Proclaimed 'Zees stuff is terrible,' threw it at ceiling (Duncan Stevens) 'It still doesn't seem real' Even Trump's fiercest supporters have doubts about his hair (Bill Dorner) Many who died had health problems Captain Obvious releases annual report (Frank Mann, Washington) Maryland casinos will cut visitors CDC insists 'no proven cure for coronavirus through bloodletting' (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Openings that just went poof Another good reason to practice social distancing at Taco Bell (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Sharks, Blue Jackets set to play without any fans Dan Snyder offers tips (Sam Mertens) The new Virginia looks a lot like the old Virginia Disappointed woman sues plastic surgeon (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.; Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) AD This is the biggest blunder in presidential history At least until tomorrow (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) VIPs get quick test access, highlighting system inequities Hollywood, Wall Street big shots pay others to take virus test for them (Allen Haywood) We Make Flooring Easy — We Come to You Our customers don't have to bring their old floors to us (Marli Melton) WHO declares virus a global pandemic President demands identity of this whistleblower (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Model prompts policy U-turn Melania persuades CDC to change guidance to 'Be Best' (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) How to cook if cooped up with the kids Hansel & Gretel witch starts 'Coven Oven' blog (Steve Honley, Washington) The benefits of an immersion blender Sorry, this is the most upbeat news we can provide during a global pandemic (Bill Dorner) AD Man gets jail for video of himself licking ice cream tub Toy Rikers Island 'weirdest prize yet,' says Style Invitational stunt contest runner-up (Alex Steelsmith) My co-worker burps loudly and engages in self-talk Royal Consort chafes at sharing home office space with Empress (Drew Bennett) Still running — deadline also April 20: our contest for songs (including videos) about Life in the Time of Corona. See wapo.st/invite1378. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1380, published April 19, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1380: Both sides now Pull some letters from a word to find another one. Plus more fun messing up Shakespeare. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 16, 2020 at 10:31 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the contest to add a character to a Shakespeare play) PANdemIC: A knockdown brawl in Aisle 6 over the last package of toilet paper. MELANcholIA: Being married to the best husband in the history of husbands. Family nIGHT: When you play a game of Monopoly after two weeks in isolation together. Here's a brand-new contest that's the opposite of one of our favorite recurring contests: In our "air quotes" challenge, you find a word inside another word, and relate it to the first word. This week: Delete one or more letters (in a row) from a word or brief phrase to find another word, and define it, as in the examples above by Jesse Frankovich, who last week got NO ink, for the first time in "¦ one hundred weeks. (He's back.) You could delete the letters from one end of the term instead of the middle, but you need the reader to be surprised by the discovery. This contest was first suggested by Roy Ashley and in a slightly different form by Kenji Thielstrom. AD The Empress's Royal Consort, Mark Holt, sports a modified natural. The Empress's Royal Consort, Mark Holt, sports a modified natural. (From "The Moustache Grower's Guide" by Lucien Edwards, Chronicle Books) Submit up to a total of 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1380 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, April 27; results will appear May 17 in print, May 14 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives just the thing for a guy in isolation: a little book called "The Moustache Grower's Guide," describing 30 different hairy-lip looks; donated by the totally smooth-lipped Ms. Pie Snelson; AND an alternative: a bacon-scented stick-on mustache. "Extra manly!" assures the packaging. Because "¦ well, I don't know why. Donated by Bill Dorner, who was cleanshaven (even on his head) last time I saw him. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Flip the Bard" is by Chris Doyle; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, reviews each new contest and set of results. This week, a tribute to the newest (15th) member of the Style Invitational Hall of Fame, Frank Osen, who scored Ink Blot No. 500 last week. We may have to take a drive down to Pooperstown and bump out the end of the hall, just so everyone can social-distance. Check out the Convo at wapo.st/conv1380. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Flip the Bard: Report from Week 1376 In Week 1376 we asked the Losers to add a character to a Shakespeare work and insert a line of dialogue. Let's just say that the Bard proved more timely than ever. 4th place: Hamlet: I must be cruel, only to be kind: Thus bad begins, and worse remains behind. Chief of Staff Mark Meadows: Let's strike that and just say: "We have very few people with it, and the people that have it "¦ they're all getting better." (Frank Mann, Washington) AD 3rd place: Hamlet: And my imaginations are as foul as Vulcan's stithy. Mr. Spock: Although humans do not possess them, I assure you my stithy is maintained in a hygienic state. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 2nd place and the Rocket Launcher toilet game: Antony in "Antony and Cleopatra": Perchance to-morrow you'll serve another master. Anthony Fauci: Not soon enough. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Duke of Gloucester in "Henry VI, Part I": Mayor, farewell: thou dost but what thou mayst. Pete Buttigieg: In four years shall America vote in the gayst. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) More matter, less art: Honorable mentions Orlando in "As You Like It": I cannot speak to her, yet she urg'd conference. Texting Co-worker: Did you unmute your Zoom mic? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) AD "A Lover's Complaint": O, how the channel to the stream gave grace! Millions of Americans: Binge-watching Netflix helps us shelter in place! (Mike Gips) Aaron in "Titus Andronicus": Villain, I have done thy mother. Oedipus: Ha, beat you to it! (Jeff Contompasis) Antony in "Julius Caesar": Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Mr. Potato Head: You still haven't returned my nose! (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Benedick in "Much Ado About Nothing": A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age. President: Why do you think I spend so much time tweeting from the toilet at 3 a.m.? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Biron in "Love's Labour's Lost": Greater than great, great, great, great Pompey! Pompey the Huge. Secretary of State: Uh, there's an O at the end." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) AD Oberon in "A Midsummer Night's Dream": But, notwithstanding, haste; make no delay: We may effect this business yet ere day. Mitch McConnell: No. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Caliban in "The Tempest": How does thy honour? Let me lick thy shoe. Trump: That was pretty good. Now watch Lindsey. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) Viola in "Twelfth Night": Make me a willow cabin at your gate. First Contractor: Okay, but we can't start until October. (Rick Foucheux, Silver Spring, Md.) Emilia in "Othello": I must needs report the truth. Trump: I say that you are a terrible reporter. That's what I say. (Mary Giorgis, Crofton, Md., a First Offender) Domitius Enobarus in "Antony and Cleopatra": Thou art so leaky, that we must leave thee to thy sinking. Kellyanne Conway: I prefer to call it alternative nondisclosure. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AD Escalus in "Measure for Measure": I shall desire you, sir, to give me leave to have free speech with you. Barack Obama: Sorry, my honorarium is $400,000. (Mark Raffman) Falstaff in "Henry IV, Part II": I will turn diseases to commodity. Sen. Richard Burr: Ooh, good idea! (Duncan Stevens) Claudius in "Hamlet": His liberty is full of threats to all — to you yourself, to us, to every one." The GOP: "So?" (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) Hamlet: I shall not look upon his like again. Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah, he didn't just unfriend you, he blocked your account. (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) Lord Sands in "Henry VIII": 'Tis time to give 'em physic, their diseases are grown so catching." Trump: Nah. It'll hurt my ratings. (Marni Penning Coleman) King Lear: Five days we do allot thee for provision to shield thee from diseases of the world. Fauci: Actually, I'm afraid we're looking at a longer time frame "¦" (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii) AD King of France from "All's Well That Ends Well": Why, then, young Bertram, take her; she's thy wife. Henny Youngman: Take mine too, prithee. (Roy Ashley, Washington) King Lear: Meantime we shall express our darker purpose. Ralph Northam: I tried that once. The year was 1984 "¦ (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Macbeth: Swords I smile at, weapons laugh to scorn, Brandish'd by man that's of a woman born. Coronavirus: I hail from pangolin, perchance from bat. So tough luck, sucker: I'ma knock you flat. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) Oberon in "A Midsummer Night's Dream": My gentle Puck, come hither. Alex Ovechkin: That's how you sissies play hockey in England? (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) Clerk in "The Merchant of Venice": I never knew so young a body with so old a head. Ted Williams: I hope to be able to say that myself someday. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) AD Othello: O ill-starr'd wench! Pale as thy smock!" Flo from Progressive: Slow down, buddy! I never promised I could save everybody money! (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Ariel in "The Tempest": Hell is empty, and all the devils are here. Mark Meadows: Okay, Mr. President, we can start the meeting. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Malvolio in "Twelfth Night": Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em. Trump: And some of us hit the trifecta, am I right? (John Hutchins) Decius Brutus from "Julius Caesar": If Caesar hide himself, shall they not whisper "Lo, Caesar is afraid?" Trump: I think that's a very nasty question. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Othello: Speak "¦ of one whose hand like the base Indian threw a pearl away richer than all his tribe. Cleveland Manager: I know, I know, we never should have traded Rocky Colavito to the Tigers. (Mark Richardson) Titus Andronicus: For pity of mine age, whose youth was spent in dangerous wars, whilst you securely slept. Trump: I had very bad bone spurs; otherwise I would have been a great soldier, believe me. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Hubert de Burgh in "King John": My lord, they say five moons were seen to-night; four fixed, and the fifth did whirl about the other four in wondrous motion. Audience Member: Yeah, they got the fanciest acts at this strip club. (Sam Mertens) Lafeu in "All's Well That Ends Well": And they were sons of mine, I'd have them whipt, or I would send them to th' Turk to make eunuchs of. Donald Jr. and Eric: "Dad, what's he saying? Are we gonna go hunt turkeys?" (Mark Raffman) Titania in "A Midsummer Night's Dream": I have a venturous fairy that shall seek the squirrel's hoard, and fetch thee new nuts. Patient: Actually, I was hoping a prescription for Viagra would do the trick. (Mark Raffman) Sir Toby Belch in "Twelfth Night": I hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off. Peloton CEO: Thanks, but I think we'll stick with our current marketing campaign. (Mike Gips) Cassius in "Julius Caesar": Think of the world. Melania: Might as well — I already tried thinking of England. (Duncan Stevens) Hamlet: Bloody bawdy villain! Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain! Sen. Susan Collins: Oh, but I'm sure he's learned a pretty big lesson. (Duncan Stevens) Macbeth: Duncan is in his grave; after life's fitful fever he sleeps well. Empress: Yet he still submits 25 Style Invitational entries every week. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And Last: Duke of Milan in "Two Gentlemen of Verona": And think thee worthy of an Empress' love: Bill Dorner, Indianapolis: Most weeks my jokes receive no part thereof. Two contests still running — deadline for both Monday, April 20: — Week 1378, songs (and optional videos) about Life in the Age of Corona: wapo.st/invite1378 — Week 1379, tell a joke whose punchline involves a song title or lyric: wapo.st/invite1379 DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1381, published April 26, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1381: Let's get equinoxious with fictoids Tell us some false trivia about spring. Plus winning and Losing quarantine project ideas. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 23, 2020 at 9:56 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to this week's quarantine projects and activities) In Australia, children hunt eggs laid by the Easter Platypus. In April 1862, Union Gen. George McClellan was unable to mount an assault on Richmond because of a huge tactical error: He attempted to move south from D.C. through Fairfax County on a Friday evening. Contrary to widespread misinformation, a 13-year analysis of foreign material in raindrops that fell in April revealed a total absence of May flowers. We continue this week with our series of four contests, suggested by Hall of Fame Loser Jeff Contompasis, for total BS about the seasons. We started with "Lyin' in Winter"; this week, tell us some untrue trivia about springtime or things that happen or happened in the spring, as in the examples above. The first was by the Empress's handy-dandy Royal Consort, Mark Holt; the second is an inking entry by Nan Reiner from an earlier fictoid contest; the third is just your typical fake news out of The Washington Post. AD Hey, wait! In Australia, Easter's in autumn! Well, it's spring here. Where it counts — Amurca. (Good catch nevertheless by Jeff Contompasis, who pointed that out to the Empress after we published this morning. That is classic JefCon.) Submit up to a total of 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1381 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 4; results will appear May 24 in print, May 21 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives some food that's a game! Or, more precisely, "food" that's a "game": It's Bean Boozled — fifth edition! — a box of Jelly Belly jelly beans in both regular and "weird & wild flavors." So you flick a spinner and get a bean that's either Peach or Barf; Coconut or Spoiled Milk; Toasted Marshmallow or (new!) Stink Bug. And oh so many more. Donated by Loser Mike Gips. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "The Hunker Games" was submitted independently by Kevin Dopart, Tom Witte and Beverley Sharp; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, April 23, reviews each new contest and set of results. This week, the announcement of the Year 27 Loser of the Year, an honor usually announced at the Losers' own banquet, the now-postponed Flushies. Check out the Convo at wapo.st/conv1381. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . AD In Week 1377 we asked for humorous ideas for games and projects that homebound families could do with stuff that was lying around the house. Trump Briefing Bingo seems to be right up there with numerous activities involving empty wine bottles and putting the pets on a Roomba. One person suggested a game of Pee Jumping, to see how high an arc another person could jump over. That person was a man. 4th place: Fill a latex glove with warm water and shake hands with it to remember what human contact was like. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: Easter may be over, but it's not too late for a hunt that the whole family will be eager to participate in. Just change your home WiFi password, write it on a slip of paper (or the inside of a rubber glove) and hide it somewhere in your house! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) AD 2nd place and the cute little erasers in the shape of dim sum: Socially Distant Twister on individual mats. (Daniel Helming, Trenton, N.J.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Finally, you have time to deal with those dings and splotches on the dining room wall: Just get a few picture frames and hang them around the problem areas. When you can have visitors again, they'll admire your collection of contemporary art. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Home moaners: Honorable mentions Dump the contents of all your jigsaw puzzles into one box and create a single picture. If the pieces don't exactly fit, just push really hard, or tear them a little. So much less frustrating! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) No toilet paper? No problem! With a few short steps, you can repurpose an ordinary garden hose into a high-powered bidet! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AD The game of Eternity: Four players sit six feet apart and watch a clock. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Below: Cut out chains of properly distanced paper dolls. Fold them back up for a "reopen" protest. (Kevin Dopart) Image without a caption (Honorable mention: Kevin Dopart, Washington) How to conserve toilet paper: Before going to the bathroom, use duct tape to cover any areas that might become soiled. Afterward, simply rip off the tape and you'll have perfectly clean skin without wasting a single square! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Grow out your armpit hair and tie on two sets of wind chimes. Great for alerting people that you're approaching on the sidewalk. (Frank Mann, Washington) Exercise challenge: Cue up a workout video and compete to tally the most "workout units" — your choice of beer, pork rinds, Pop-Tarts, etc. — consumed on the couch before the video ends. (Allen Haywood, Washington) Below: After reading yet another Tolkien novel, envision your kitchen in a whole new way. (Teenager and First Offender Bruce Yanovitch, "imprisoned at home with my family," Midlothian, Va.) Image without a caption Hey, guys with a particular fetish: Now is your chance to wear women's underwear on your head all the time, claiming it's a face mask. Wear a different pretty color each day! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) AD Make paper airplanes out of your unused plane tickets. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Why buy those expensive Lincoln Logs? Instead, use your imagination to build all kinds of structures with used swabs from the covid-19 testing site in the FedEx Field parking lot. (Jonathan Solomon, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) Rig up a Toilet Paper Quota Enforcer! Sam Mertens Create the Perfect Office Environment: 1. Find a quiet room in your home. 2. Furnish it with your most comfortable chair, a small desk, a computer and a large video monitor. 3. Close the door and put on noise-canceling headphones. 4. Create an auto-reply saying you're out sick. 5. Relax in comfort as you binge-watch every episode of "The Office." (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Photo below: When I used to go for a walk, I sometimes forgot to take the necessary precautions. That's why I made Warning Man and put him outside my front door. With the help of a tripod, a coat hanger, googly eyes and a few other items, WM reminds me to stay on guard. People keep a good social distance from my house, too. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Image without a caption (Honorable mention: Dave Prevar) Fine-art project: Take all your plastic bags that used to be recycled but now are dumped in landfills. Stuff them into one of the bags, roll them into a tight cylinder, then stick it on your wall with duct tape. This is better than taping a banana to the wall: It doesn't waste food, and of course plastic lasts forever. (Douglas Goralski, Takoma Park, Md.) AD Budminton: It's a mix of hot potato and catch: You toss a can of beer from one family member to another, and whoever's holding it when the music stops has to pop it open and get a faceful of suds. Fun for Mom, Pop and Junior, too! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Hold a home-school parent-teacher night where you explain what you're doing wrong with your children. (Frank Osen) Home Sweet Home Scavenger Hunt: You search every inch of the house for any type of paper. The person who finds the most paper gets to sit in the bathroom reading Great-Grandpa's diary before repurposing the paper. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) Unsettlers of Catan: In this variation on the classic game, an emperor, his son-in-law and assorted sycophants distribute a harvest of misinformation. Meanwhile, the settlers spend each turn quaking in their huts. (Lawrence McGuire) Photo below: Since it's just the family at dinner, but you want to dress up the table a little, some recent excess purchases can set the perfect mood. (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii) Honorable mention: Alex Steelsmith, with one of 13 different TP thing-holder photos he submitted. Honorable mention: Alex Steelsmith, with one of 13 different TP thing-holder photos he submitted. Build a toilet-papier-mâché Mount Flushmore of "all the best" presidents: Franklin Pierce, Andrew Johnson, James Buchanan and of course . . . (Kevin Dopart) AD Can-die Land: Kids of all ages will enjoy navigating their way through the Gun-Hoarding Mountains and Forest of Questionable Door Handles to the only-relative safety of Can-die Castle. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Still running — deadline Monday night, April 27: Our contest to delete letters from a word to reveal a related word. See wapo.st/invite1380. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1382, published May 3, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1382: For us, it's still Post Time — it's our annual foal name contest Plus winning song parodies about Life in the Age of Corona(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 30, 2020 at 11:58 a.m. EDT Breed Real Quiet (1998) with Smarty Jones (2004) and name the foal RealLY Quiet Decidedly (1962) x Whiskery (1927) = Covid Day 19 His Eminence (1901) x Pensive (1944) = Cardinal Knowledge MacBeth II (1888) x Chant (1884) = Double Double Like Everything Else in the World, this year's Kentucky Derby has been postponed from the usual first Saturday in May; it's now scheduled for Sept. 5. But why should that stop The Style Invitational from galloping on ahead with what's usually our most popular contest of the year? There's a twist, though: We're not using the usual list of horses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races. Below is a list of 100 of the 145 previous Kentucky Derby winners, from 1875 to 2019. "Breed" any two of the names and name the "foal" to humorously reflect the parents' names, as in the examples above. As usual, you get to submit up to 25 foal names. Might this be better than actually winning? This week's second-place trophy. (Trophies2Go) Yes, there are only three fillies on the list. And there are several geldings. We're word people, not science experts. Sheesh. As in actual thoroughbred racing, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but the characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to stay within 18 characters, but the name should be easy to read. Please note the formatting instructions on this week's entry form. They're very simple but you need to follow them, lest the Empress go even nutsier than she'll be already with the usual 4,000 entries to this contest. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1382 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 11; results will appear May 31 in print, May 28 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a trophy, too — one donated specifically for the foal contest by Loser Drew Bennett: It's a shiny brass rear half of a horse on a faux-marble pedestal. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Distance-sing" is by Tom Witte; Tom also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, reviews each new contest and set of results. Especially if you're thinking of entering the horse name contest, check out the Convo at wapo.st/conv1382. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Distance-sing: Songs of Life in the Age of Corona In Week 1378 we asked for song parodies (or recordings of originals) about Life in the Age of Corona. As usual, the Empress received hundreds and hundreds of songs, along with at least 20 videos. Click on the links in the titles to listen to the song being parodied. If a video doesn't show up on your screen, click on the accompanying link. 4th place: To Be Our Guest: We must test, we must test, See how far this has progressed. Only then can we go back to work, The experts all suggest. We need more, quite a lot, To find out who's well or not; Being lacking in this vein meant Major failures in containment. Trump delayed, underplayed, And so now we're all dismayed That in total covid cases we're the best! Go on, stop being grouchy, Please heed Doctor Fauci: We must test! We must test! We must test! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) ======================================================================================== 3rd place: To: There's No Business Like Show Business There's no virus like cov-virus like no virus we know; Everything about it is surprising, even though our scientists are shrewd; No one has a cure, there's no disguising: we're realizing we're prob'ly screwed. Take heart, people! Be smart, people; stay home and you'll survive — Even though that turkey's looking mighty bleak — It's grown a fungus and tends to reek; Still, you get to eat it for another week! Enjoy being alive! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) ==================================================================================== 2nd place, and the poster "Thou Shalt Not Covid Thy Neighbor's Spouse": To I Hope You Dance: I welcome you to this week's virtual meeting; A couple Zoom rules I think really bear repeating: May you never interrupt the one who's speaking, "¦ Hold on "¦ Shirley, press your mute, your kids are shrieking, Vanessa, move your cat, 'cause he's blocking off your screen there, Oh, Larry, back up, we're all looking at your nose hair, Promise me that you'll eat breakfast in advance, And if you do stand up, I hope you had the chance To put on pants. Dear God, wear pants. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) ==================================================================================== And the winner of the Lose Cannon: To New York New York: "Stop readin' the news, it's fake anyway, Don't say that I'm the start of it, New York, New York. Your governor's views aren't leanin' my way, And so I'll have no part of it, New York, New York. Did I make promises that I don't plan to keep? There's other orders to fill — Read 'em and weep! If your ICUs are troubled today, Then let's get to the heart of it, New York New York "¦ You want to ventilate? Then tell your Prez he's great, It's up to you, New York, New York! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) ==================================================================================== The second wave: Honorable mentions To Be Our Guest (it's a running joke how often parodies of this song see Invite ink): Bash the press! Bash the press! That's how Donald deals with stress: Fires mortars at reporters whose accounts expose his mess. Yells "disgrace," calls them "fake," "nasty," "horrid," on the take. Why this bullying and railing? To distract us from his failing To slow down covid's spread; this pandemic's on his head, And he knows this fall will surely bring redress. He's facing retribution, so his one solution In distress — can you guess? — bash the press! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) ==================================================================================== Video: To "Let It Go" (Sandy Riccardi, Asheville, N.C., accompanied by Richard Riccardi) Let It Go, Let It Grow https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=232&v=rczWfcQNKbk&feature=emb_logo My roots shine white on my partline tonight Not a bottle to be seen I'm stuck here in isolation And the world's in quarantine My friends are howling tryin' to cover up their grays But that won't be me The silver's here, it stays Just let them out Just let them see Be the goddess you know you oughta be Reveal, unpeel, just let it show For now they know Let it go Let it grow Don't dye it black anymore Let it go Let it grow Throw away the bottle from the store One less bill that I have to pay Let my friends dye on I don't have enough money anyway And this social distance Will give me a head start I'll get three inches Then oh, be still my heart It's time to see what kind of hue Will show up nat'-ur'lly and break through No use for young, no rules for me I'm free Let it go Let it grow I'm done with the bleach and dye Let it go Let it grow And you never need to ask why I don't care what they're going to say Let the years roll on"¦. No powders pouring through the air into my lungs No more split ends from frosted tendrils fractured like snake's tongues And one thought crystallizes like each icy strand I'm never going back, I'll save a hundred grand Let it go, let it grow Take my chair at the hair salon Let it go, let it grow That skunky line is gone Here I stand in the light of gray Let my friends dye on My age never bothered me anyway (Sandy Riccardi, Asheville, N.C.) ==================================================================================== To Tonight: Tonight, tonight, I'll be at home tonight, I'm not supposed to set foot outside Tonight, tonight, I'll eat alone tonight, Since my table is not six feet wide Tonight, I'll watch last year's World Series, A '90s U.S. Open, the Frazier-Ali fight. The sky's still light, but I'll be turning in for the night. Good night. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) ==================================================================================== To I Walk the Line: I've spent a weekend surfing Google Chrome; I've hummed "La Traviata" on a comb; I've sculpted busts from scraps of packing foam; As none may roam, I stay at home. I'm streaming Disney+ and Netflix too, There's nothing left unwatched to fill my queue. I guess it's time to stream them all anew; We still can't roam; I stay at home. I worked a fortnight, fastened to my seat, Until these jigsaw puzzles were complete. The ones I haven't solved are stacked to 30 feet; No chance to roam; I stay at home. I guess I'll read that Dostoyevsky tome Or carve a Neutrogena garden gnome. I'll even watch my disc of "Biodome"! Until we roam, I stay at home. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) ==================================================================================== Video: "Six Feet Away or Six Feet Under" (original song by Jonathan Miller, Downers Grove, Ill., a First Offender) video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtB2VhAE3KQ I see you there, in the aisle at the grocery store This white linoleum could be our dance floor You wobblin' just a little, shopping in them high heeled shoes But I can't offer you my arm, 'cause I got these six-feet-away blues Refrain: I'm torn in two, because I could not want you more, I want to whisper close that you're the one I adore, But baby, the times have changed, and although my heart's a-thunder, I better Stay six feet away or we could be six feet under You look so exotic as you hold your cream of wheat Baby, you don't need no stovetop to produce a certain heat Your dress is silky and red, your legs deliciously long I want to come nearer, but that would be so very wrong (Repeat refrain) (Jonathan Miller, Downers Grove, Ill.) ==================================================================================== To Everything's Coming Up Roses: Get a mask! Tie it tight! Wear it when you go out day and night! Never cough! Never sneeze! Look out, everything's coming out noses! Hide your lips! Hide your grin! Cover up from your eyes to your chin! Cut some cloth! Sew it up! Look out, everything's coming out noses! Don't use plastic. Grab an old pillowcase. Add elastic! Then it will be so fantastic! You'll be chic! Right in style When you race down the grocery aisle! Basic black or bright red, Tie it tight on your head. Just start right now and do this thing I ask! Look out, everything's coming out noses, so just wear your mask! (Barbara Sarshik, McLean, Va.) ==================================================================================== To My Cherie Amour: My dear grocery store, how I miss pre-Covid days Tasting samples, seeing what the bulk food weighs Now it seems so fraught, hope a viral load has not been caught Fear it's more than food that I have bought Six feet apart in line. I can order food, have it sent right to my home Where's the fun in that? Through the store I want to roam. I miss shopping! Running into neighbors at the store, Used to think that it was such a chore. From now on I'll never whine. Maybe someday, I'll come back with my list in hand, No more face mask, I'll say hi to the produce man, Oh dear grocery store, packed with people, sights and smells galore, Now I will appreciate you more. Grocery store, you are divine. (Jennifer Martin Broadway, Marquette, Mich.) ==================================================================================== Video: To "Hey Nineteen" by Steely Dan (Wayne Wilentz, Montgomery Village, Md., a First Offender) Hey, Covid 19 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mbz4kZ4u9A&feature=emb_logo Way back when in 87 We all were nervous bout HIV Then came SARS, Ebola and MRSA Bubonic plague a distant memory Hey 19 No we can't hang together No we can't touch at all Please wash your hands 20 times a day Hey 19- that's Ronald Reagan He was so useless when we had AIDS Now your best buddy is called the Donald He treats a crisis just like he's in 3rd grade Hey 19 No we can't hang together No we can't touch at all Please wash your hands 20 times a day Can't go to Clubs Can't go to baseball games Man this bug's a terrible thing Can't go work out Can't even fly on planes Man this bug's a terrible thing (Wayne Wilentz, Montgomery Village, Md.) ==================================================================================== To Another Hundred People: Another hundred people don't get off of a train And come up through the ground While another hundred people don't get off of a bus 'Cause they aren't around And another hundred people who won't fly on a plane Aren't looking at us 'cause we're not on the train Or the plane, or the bus. A pandemic day. We're a city in danger — some go to work, some with pay, A city in danger — some stay at home, locked away, But every day, some try to play "¦ They find each other in the empty streets near the padlocked parks Or they bike near fountains or by dusty trees with the battered barks Or they social-distance past the postered walls with the crude remarks And they meet at parties or post wildlife on chat video: "Will we pick up lunch, or just deliver in, or shall we let it go? All my stores were closed, although I went in vain Can we binge-watch 'Tiger King' if it begins to rain? This experience is 'Groundhog Day' but harder to explain." And another hundred people don't get off of a train. (Richard Zorowitz, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) ==================================================================================== To It Was a Very Good Year: When I turned on the news In January this year, There was a nasty bug in China, they said, Many people were dead. But the president said It would never get here, There was no reason to fear. A dozen cases popped up in February this year, Then Diamond Princess was stopped with dozens more But the president swore: Like a miracle here, It will soon disappear. We have no reason to fear. News was more and more grim by March and April this year. 'Cause spring break and Mardi Gras only hastened the spread, "It's fake news!" he said. And then declared an emergency "¦ It was confusing to me. Now summer's coming on; the world's upended, I fear: The White House casts out the blame like seeds in the wind And then will not rescind any slander or smear. But this one thing is clear: The election's later this year. (Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Stanley, Va.) ==================================================================================== Video: To "All by Myself," original by Eric Carmen (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) To "All by Myself" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMXSPe7WMm0&t=1s IN 2019 WE DIDN'T NEED TO QUARANTINE. WENT OUT AND PARTIED JUST FOR FUN, THOSE DAYS ARE DONE. LIVIN' ALONE, I SIT HERE PLAYING WITH MY PHONE. CAN'T SEE A MOVIE OR A SHOW, NO PLACE TO GO. ALL BY MYSELF - DON'T WANNA BE ALL BY MYSELF ANY MORE. LIVIN' IN FEAR, CAN'T EVEN GO AND HAVE A BEER. WHEN WILL THEY EVER HAVE A CURE? NO ONE IS SURE. WATCHING THE NEWS, I'M ON A DOWNER I CAN'T LOSE. I GOT THE SOCIAL DISTANCE BLUES - BREAK OUT THE BOOZE. ALL BY MYSELF, DON'T WANNA BE ALL BY MYSELF ANY MORE ALL BY MYSELF, DON'T WANNA LIVE ALL BY MYSELF ANY MORE. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) ==================================================================================== To Consider Yourself: Essential you're not. Stay home! Those people you spot? They're your family. You've shunned them so long, well, pops, Just pray they don't go and call the cops. That woman in tears? Your wife. She's kept two careers, one domestically. Those brats on the lawn? Your spawn. Beware, they're always awake at dawn. Since you may have to share common air for quite a spell Like a ring of hell, why grouse? There is a chance you'll find peace of mind with your kids And a new bond with your spouse. Just view this as your new gig, the easy commute a perk — And after some consideration you might wait To hustle yourself back to work. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) ==================================================================================== To Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious): Take hydroxychloroquine and add azithromycin, Safer than plutonium, less poisonous than ricin! Knock out covid-19 like a punch from Michael Tyson, Take hydroxychloroquine and add azithromycin! (Um, anecdotal-dotal, um, little lie "¦) (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) ==================================================================================== To The Major-General's Song (perhaps the most parodied song ever): I. Whoever would have guessed I'd have to educate my progeny? (I wasn't meant for DIY-home-schooling "¦ pedagogeny.) Frustration's on the rise (as is my 5-o'clock-libation rate); My patience has a limit, and it's reached its expiration date "¦ I try to teach them math, but they just look at me amusedly; I try to do it THEIR way, but I botch it up confusedly. Geography? Forget it! All those names have had a makeover, (Which prob'ly indicates that all those countries had a takeover "¦) There's just no doubt about it! All these lessons leave me stultified; The hours in the day just drag along — I think they've multiplied! The teachers of this world should be immortalized in galleries; They're heroes one and all — we should quadruple all their salaries! (Beverley Sharp) II. The Ex-Prez Recalls 2020 I was the very model of a major wartime president. I took on covid-19 and was anything but hesitant. As Fauci said, I kept my daily briefings aspirational To give the nation hope and, wow, the ratings were sensational! I plugged hydroxychloroquine, a treatment for malaria And chalked up a historic win defeating mass hysteria. I trusted in my instinct and intelligence abdominal, And pointed out 200,000 deaths would be phenomenal. What happened last November, though, is still a total mystery. I suffered what they're saying is the greatest loss in history. Today I get to make a weekly call and speak to Hannity About how AG Harris treated me with inhumanity. I am the very model of a bigly loser president — I cannot golf or tweet because I'm now a prison resident. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) ==================================================================================== Video: To "Show Off" from "The Drowsy Chaperone" (Fiona Smith, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) "Stay Home" lyrics - parody of "Show Off" from The Drowsy Chaperone: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pR7gPDAQQrk&feature=emb_logo I don't wanna stay home no more I don't wanna be bored no more There's nothing left to do indoors I don't wanna stay home I don't wanna use Zoom no more See my friends from my room no more Hear the prophets of doom no more I don't wanna stay home Don't try to control me I'm going insane Stuck inside, I'll die I'm sick of being contained I don't wanna wear this no more [holds up facemask] I don't wanna do this no more [mimed "namaste" gesture] I don't wanna do this no more [mimed "live long and prosper" sign] I don't wanna stay home I get your intentions I understand why But it's been a month I can't keep this up It's all just too much Can't keep it up Can't keep it up This extrovert's going to cry I don't want this grim news no more Havin' the stay-at-home blues no more Being mocked by my own front door I don't care if you scoff I don't wanna be caged no more, stir-crazed no more Tired no more, bored no more, alone no more I don't wanna stay home I don't wanna stay home (Fiona Smith, Bethesda, Md.) ==================================================================================== To Camelot, as sung by President Trump to the Coronavirus Task Force: Hear this, hear this, my order to you all: The country must be perfect by the fall. My post-impeachment polls were trending higher, With Joe stuck in his basement I might win. To pull this off we'll need to take a flier — where to begin? Your scientific jargon has no meaning, I told you all that matters is the spin Then Laura said one word to me last evening: It's chloroquine! Chloroquine, chloroquine, I know it's for malaria, But with chloroquine, I'll begin to end hysteria. You say the benefits are anecdotal, No time for double-blinds, I'll tempt the fates What do I have to lose? I'm screwed unless I choose To open up the country so the red states don't turn blue. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) ==================================================================================== To Oklahoma!: Ohhhh! Corona! You're a nasty virus, no mistake! First we said "fake news" and hit the snooze "" Now GM must ventilators make! Ohhhhh! Corona! Have you seen what's happened to the Dow? Needless work avoid, I'm unemployed Gotta save our economics now! My streaming is way out of hand, And I'm tired of food that is canned! And when we pray . . . Lord! Please get me through this day! Protect us from the covid-19 from corona, Oh, corona! Go 'way! (Jessica Steinhice Mathews) ==================================================================================== To Rubber Duckie: Raw bat: yucky! Do not eat! Try a less exotic treat — One that doesn't cause ongoing lung distress. 'Cause the side for that entree — group coronaviridae — Leaves you needing to signal an SOS. When the researchers look and see, they say, "Crikey! Man, what an ugly varmint — it wears a garment that's spiky! Oh, me no likey." If we're lucky, we'll soon pen That aggressive pathogen; Nasty globule — I'll give you a kick, and Ugly bug, let's get rid of you quick, 'cause Little virus, I'm thoroughly sick of you. (Duncan Stevens) ==================================================================================== Still running — deadline Monday, May 4: Our contest for bogus trivia about spring. See wapo.st/invite1381. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. Here are 100 of the previous Kentucky Derby winners from 1875 through 2019, listed chronologically: Aristides Vagrant Day Star Fonso Hindoo Apollo Buchanan Joe Cotton MacBeth II Spokane Riley Kingman Lookout Chant Ben Brush Typhoon II Plaudit Manuel His Eminence Agile Stone Street Wintergreen Worth Old Rosebud Regret George Smith Omar Khayyam Exterminator Sir Barton Behave Yourself Black Gold Flying Ebony Bubbling Over Whiskery Gallant Fox Twenty Grand Burgoo King Brokers Tip Cavalcade Omaha Bold Venture War Admiral Johnstown Whirlaway Shut Out Count Fleet Pensive Hoop, Jr. Assault Jet Pilot Citation Ponder Middleground Dark Star Determine Swaps Needles Venetian Way Carry Back Decidedly Northern Dancer Lucky Debonair Kauai King Forward Pass Majestic Prince Dust Commander Secretariat Cannonade Foolish Pleasure Bold Forbes Seattle Slew Affirmed Spectacular Bid Genuine Risk Swale Spend A Buck Ferdinand Winning Colors Sunday Silence Unbridled Strike the Gold Sea Hero Go for Gin Grindstone Silver Charm Real Quiet Charismatic War Emblem Smarty Jones Street Sense Big Brown Super Saver Animal Kingdom I'll Have Another Orb California Chrome American Pharoah Always Dreaming Justify Country House ====================================================================== WEEK 1383, published May 10, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1383: Questionable Journalism Take a sentence in an article or ad out of context (hey, doesn't everyone?). Plus groaner puns on song titles. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers May 7, 2020 at 10:20 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the inking puns on song titles and lyrics.) Sentence in The Post: "The worst enemy is an invisible enemy." Question it could answer: Come on, Jaden, why don't you want to play hide-and-seek? A. "It's going to be a little subdued, and it's definitely going to be stressful," Kopp said. "But we can ride." Q. What did Harley racer Kody Kopp predict about the new Flat Tire Motocross Grand Prix? A. "S--- is a great source of information." (from the article "Sewage Scans Could Detect Outbreaks") Q. What unpopular opinion did one White House reporter offer, only in code, about Sarah Sanders? It's one of our recurring contests — first appearance: Week 254, 1998 — and one particularly good for people whose current calling, at the behest of their country, is Sitting Around at Home: AD This week's second prize: Dave Barry's take on American history, the Japanese Language version. But it's autographed! This week's second prize: Dave Barry's take on American history, the Japanese Language version. But it's autographed! This week: Choose any sentence (not a headline) in an article or ad in The Washington Post or another publication dated May 7 through May 18, and write a question that it might humorously answer, as in the examples above, which the Empress found on a page or two of the May 4 Post. You don't have to use the entire sentence (and you can use two consecutive ones, as in the second example) but don't drop words out of the middle that would change the meaning of the sentence. Please include the publication name, date and page number of print papers and magazines, and a link to the Web page for online ones. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1383 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 18; results will appear June 7 in print, June 4 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a true collector's item: the book "Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States" — autographed by Dave Himself and inscribed, "For the winner of the Style Invitational, and a close personal friend of mine." The thing, though: (a) The winner/"close personal friend" is Elden Carnahan, who won this book in Week 122, in 1995; he regifted it during a little Kondo-binge despite the potential loss of his close personal friend, who had inscribed it before the winner was chosen; and (b) the book is entirely in Japanese, except for the title on the cover and, of course, Dave's inscription. AD Despite this almost personal inscription, Week 125 winner Elden Carnahan regifted this book to the Empress. Despite this almost personal inscription, Week 125 winner Elden Carnahan regifted this book to the Empress. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Your Wit Parade" is by Chris Doyle; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column — published late Thurday afternoon, May 7 — reviews each new contest and set of results. Check out this week's Convo at wapo.st/conv1383. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . AD Your Wit Parade: Song puns from Week 1379 In Week 1379 the Empress asked for jokes — either short-form, like riddles, or long-form shaggy-dog stories — whose punchline was a pun on a song title or lyric. Beware: These entries are firmly in the Groaner Pun genre. If you don't like groaner puns, go do the sudoku and come back next week. Meanwhile, if you don't get which songs are being referenced, check the E's answer key in this week's Style Conversational at wapo.st/conv1383. 4th place: Gene officiated NFL games for a living and, to his family's irritation, couldn't seem to leave his work at the stadium: When one of the kids did something wrong, he'd blow a whistle and throw down a yellow flag. His wife pleaded with him to stop this nonsense: "You don't have to live like a ref, Eugene." (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) AD 3rd place: My wife might have overdone it at the tanning salon today, but I know Eleanor was just trying to look hot for my birthday tonight. And after a romantic dinner, even when she's turned yellowish-brown "¦ there's no place better than under my umber Ella. (Michelle Christophorou, London) 2nd place and the electronic mini- Screaming Goat: Allergies, you say? I think not. Clearly, Army Special Forces are out to get me, constantly showering me with dust from drones that makes me sneeze and sniffle. Yes, I'm convinced: Ranger ops keep pollen on my head. (Ken Liss, Brookline, Mass.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: An F5 tornado tears through Louisiana's capital and levels several blocks of the city's businesses — including McGee's Dispensary, a cannabis shop that collapses on top of its owner and his girlfriend. Uninjured but unable to get out, the couple decide they have nothing left to lose, and they get buzzed in flattened Baton Rouge waitin' for a crane. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) AD Musical nots: Honorable mentions Before gaining fame as the wizard of the Beach Boys, Brian Wilson attended the San Francisco Culinary Institute, even winning awards for his omelets. At graduation, the dean presented him with his victory certificates, but not what he'd really hoped for: the traditional gift basket full of gourmet delights. As Wilson lamented later: "I'm picking up goodbye rations; she's giving me egg citations." (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Springsteen played college campuses until the terrible "Hazard From Harvard" incident, where piles of beer cases from the sponsor, Miller, were used as concert seats. One tower toppled and fatally injured a freshman from Sweden. The coroner's succinct summary: "Blonde dead by the Lite." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) What do you call the evening when Dick Cheney retired and the Secret Service escorted him to an undisclosed location in Florida? The night they drove old Dick C down. (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii) AD Before he met with Kim Jong Un, officials warned the president not to agree to anything the North Korean leader said — not just in words, but by gesture or even expression. Trump assured them, "He can't read my ocher face." (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) What did Joan Jett call her private Pacific atoll? Isle of Rock and Roll. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) A chimp dressed in royal attire walks into a London pub and orders a pint. The aged, half-blind bartender says, "And who do we have here — the queen's consort, Prince Philip?" "Heavens no," the chimp replies, "I'm her ape, old man! I'm Henry." (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) We square dancers had to cancel our whole season — you can't very well social-distance while doing the allemande and do-si-do. I'm afraid it's the end of the whirls as we know it. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) AD My buddy and I broke quarantine with a picnic in the park — and what a mistake that was: No sooner was the blanket down than the bugs found us. Then the sky darkened, it suddenly got really blustery — and a strong gust carried my pal off! A patrolman came by and asked, "All right, who all is here?" I answered, "The ants are. My friend is blowin' in the wind." (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) What did Hermione say to Harry when his love spell failed to enchant her? "You can't always get what you wand." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) A giant, man-eating toad caught a fisherman and was about to eat him when the fisherman offered to bring him fish instead. The toad agreed under one condition: It couldn't be just any fish, but seven silver hake from the Pacific Ocean. The fisherman took his skiff back out to sea, caught the seven hake and started back. "Where are you going?" his mate asked. "I'm gonna toss my hake to the old round toad." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AD What did the lyricist of "Man of La Mancha" vow to do when the composer wanted to cut a verse from "The Impossible Dream"? To march into hell for a heavenly clause. (Alex Steelsmith) What did Keith Richards complain to his therapist while trying to kick his coke habit? "I can't get nose satisfaction." (Alex Steelsmith) The president didn't much like his walk through the desert, since there were just sand and hills and rocks and things — and no greens. To brighten his boss's mood, what did his friend Kanye suggest he build? "A course with yo' name." (Kevin Dopart) Lucille Ball often vacationed on the South Carolina coast, wearing a wig and dark glasses to throw off autograph seekers. But a sharp-eyed fan once spotted her dining at the venerable Hyman's Seafood in Charleston and rushed to a phone booth to tell her friend: "Lucy's in disguise at Hyman's!" (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) What did Jerry Lee Lewis say after reading the president's Twitter feed? "Goodness gracious, great bawls of ire!" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) The night before the British invaded Washington in August 1814, setting fire to the Capitol and White House, the leader of the American militia delivered an inspirational call to persevere. Unfortunately, the Yanks turned tail and fled to the hinterlands, and so the words "Fortitude battles our fear on the Mall. Fortitude battles our fear" were ne'er remembered. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Out at Olive Garden with her sister Shanna, Carrie Underwood has narrowed the entree options down to the osso buco and chicken parmigiana. When the waiter comes to take their order, she peppers him with questions about the two dishes. This goes on for several minutes until Shanna finally blurts out, "Gee, sis, take the veal!" (Chris Doyle) A cartel of oil magnates was trying to decide where to focus its next big investment. They were considering many sites throughout the Persian Gulf, but finally one of them found some extremely promising data about Burgan Field, and insisted, "Just Kuwait, when we dig in, just Kuwait." (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) So many things to do before the wedding! Had to scrutinize my rental agreement to see if I could reduce my payment, then get that check off to the pro-choice group — and I was due at the church by 4! So I made a to-do list: "Parse lease. Aid Roes. Marry in time." (Duncan Stevens) The TV newsman Brit Hume single-handedly financed a sculpture festival in his hometown of Hoboken, N.J. It was a success for a few years, but he ran into financial trouble and eventually had to back out. Without his funding, the festival folded. A local newspaper headline read indignantly: "How Can Hume End Hoboken Art?" (Chris Doyle) Tony-winning actress Joanna Gleason has extremely dainty feet, and has to specially order her footwear. One time, she asked her parents — did you know that her father was the host of "Let's Make a Deal?" — if they could pick up the pumps she ordered, on their way home from their exercise class. So it was from the Monty Halls of Zumba: the two shoes of triple-A. (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) One time I was distraught over a bad grade on a research paper about sheep. When I got home and saw the fireplace going, I couldn't help myself. Before I realized what I was doing, I was burnin' the ewe essay. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) Since all the fun venues are closed during this pandemic, I'm doing the next best thing: spending my time online watching digital videos of cardiovascular surgeries. Just total e-clips of the heart. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Did you know that some Ivy League colleges used to hold wet T-shirt contests? In Philadelphia in 1964, one fraternity sent out an ad around campus touting "the most bosomy babes in town." Those guys were chest nuts boasting in an old Penn flier. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Why did the White House communications aide say he couldn't take it anymore? "Every day it's endless schemes and secret threats of MAGA scenes." (Chris Doyle) And last: What did the Empress say after staying up until 3 a.m. reading Invite entries? "It's been a har-daze night." (Jesse Frankovich) And Even Laster: So, Empress, what did you say to the Style Invitational contestants at the Loser brunch after judging all the bad puns in this contest? "I groaned and cussed 'em to their face." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Still running — deadline Monday night, May 11: our annual horse name "breeding" contest. See wapo.st/invite1382. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1384, published May 17, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1384: Of course there are stupid questions! 'Should we send them to the Empress by May 25?' Plus words revealed in other words. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers May 14, 2020 at 9:39 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning "reverse air quotes") "Will you hold my face mask for a sec? I have a big sneeze coming on." "Do you have the peaches flambé for carryout?" The Style Invitational has been awarding unfabulous prizes for stupid questions since Week 217 in 1997 (one entry that week: "Just where do you get off telling me what to do, Your Honor?" by Elden Carnahan). But surely in recent months, we've developed all new and fascinating varieties. This week: Give us stupid questions, especially ones reflecting Our Current Situation. More general ones are welcome, but pleeeease not old jokes like why we drive on parkways and park on driveways. Original stupid questions. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1384 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 25; results will appear June 14 in print, June 11 online. Loser Bill Dorner donated these before there even was a covid-19, back when we thought it was a joke to put visible shields on our orifices. Loser Bill Dorner donated these before there even was a covid-19, back when we thought it was a joke to put visible shields on our orifices. (MCPHEE.COM) AD Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of Ear Guards, miniature shower caps that stretch over your ears. Designed expressly for people who are afraid that while they're asleep — or, who knows, in the middle of the day — "ear-spiders, earwigs and other creepy ear dwellers" will take up residence in their ear canals. (Would you call those places auditoriums?) And now, of course, In These Uncertain Times, do YOU want who-knows-what flying down that little auditory funnel? They're from joke-stuff marketer Archie McPhee, and donated by Bill Dorner. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. This contest is based on a suggestion by Loser Dan Helming. The headline "Take-Out Orders" is by Jon Gearhart; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, reviews each new contest and set of results; this week (May 14) it features the Invite's Stupid Questions of Yesteryear. Check out this week's Convo at wapo.st/conv1384. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Take-out orders: The winning deletions of Week 1380 In Week 1380 we asked the Loser Community to delete one or a block of letters in a word to find something related in the remaining letters. Too many people suggested ElectiON — eon — as duration of a campaign season. 4th place: BUild the waLL: "Mexico will pay for it." (David Peckarsky, Tucson) 3rd place: WaistlINE: How you learned that a glass of zinfandel has more calories than 12 sugar cubes. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) 2nd place and "The Moustache Grower's Guide" plus a bacon-scented fake mustache: CLASSrooM: The gaping difference, it turns out, between a professional elementary school teacher and you. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: LeadershIP: Service provided to the states by the White House. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) AD STupendous INK: Honorable mentions ANTibiotICS — they don't actually help in fighting a virus. (Jeff Loren, Seattle) croOK: If the president does it, it's not a crime. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) ANalyticAL: "I told you I need more time to go over the details!" (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) GROcery shopPING: Feeling around the back of the top shelf for any remaining mac and cheese. (Emma Daley, Harrisburg, Pa., a First Offender) DISplEASED: What the president's actions have made a lot of Americans. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) BOOstER: What many a lifelong Redskins fan has become during the Snyder era. (Raymond Gallucci, Frederick) PenitENCE: How the Democrats would have been made to pay if impeachment had succeeded. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) TyraNT: Leader who encourages supporters to "LIBERATE" states whose governors he doesn't like. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) AD antiquiTIES: Things men wore around their necks in the days before everyone just gave up and wore pajamas all day long. (Gary Crockett) CHief of stAFF: What was left after Trump fired John Kelly. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) CRAftsmanshiP: "Presenting our new line of particle board furnishings . . . " (Ben Aronin, Washington) DISinfecTANT: How far from your lungs you should keep the Lysol. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.; Chris Doyle) DistANCE: The Six-Foot Shuffle in the Cereal Aisle (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.; Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.) EgocentRIC: Like father, like son. (Jesse Frankovich) FAIthfuL: "Honey, it was just once, and my biological imperative made me do it." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) FingernAILS: Results of stay-at-home French manicures. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) FLorida mAN: A soft, tasty treat for alligators. (Duncan Stevens) AD GirAFFE: An animal composed of irregular parts. (Selma Ellis, Rolling Meadows, Ill.) GARbAGE: Where lots of useless junk ends up. (Jeff Hazle) HEadacHE: Sometimes laughter IS the best medicine. (Ben Aronin) HOroscoPE: What an astrologer needs to offer for a profitable business. (Raymond Gallucci) INject household cleANER: Trump's advice, day by day. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) INtrovERT: Being a couch patriot isn't so hard. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) MErge: The most important person in the road, one who's entitled to be first in line. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) MIcrophoNE: "I know they asked you the question, Dr. Fauci, but I'll take all the science ones from here." (Erika Ettin, Washington) MidwifE: Right now, the person I fear is going to deliver my baby. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) AD PANGolIN: That feeling of sickness, then guilt that first guy got after eating a critter from the Wuhan wet market. (Marc Shapiro, Kathmandu, Nepal) PARliamENT: "No, you DON'T get to vote on when it's your bedtime!" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) PestilENCE: Unresponsiveness to a raging infection. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) PICKpockETING: Social distance is problematic when you're doing this. (Gary Crockett) POmpaTUS: A word with no known or apparent meaning, like "covfefe." (Chris Doyle) POTato fungUS: A blight that can ruin a country. (Kevin Dopart) POpcoRN: A guilty pleasure involving watching videos at home. (Tom Witte) PRAgmatism and compromISE: What the president really wants from his advisers. (Frank Mann, Washington) PropagANDA: VERY WEAK and clumsy animal that we only think is cute because of the TERRIBLE Chinese government. Many are saying it caused the coronavirus! — D.J.T. (Duncan Stevens) AD ProtEST: Someone who demands the right to endanger others while endangering others. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) RECiTAL: Stuart's piano performance wasn't just bad. it was . . . (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) SarcastIC: Yes, that IS what he said he was with his medical recommendations. (Michelle Christophorou, Guildford, England) SOmethiNG: A tune you don't know all the words to, like your state song. "Something something something, Maryland my Maryland." (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) SPeaker of the hOUSE: Just because I'm the only other person here doesn't mean I always want to listen to you. (Emma Daley) SUnbloCK: What your day will do if you use SPF 2. (Mark Calandra) TrumP: Alas, the shelves are empty. (Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington) TrumP: Millions of Americans would like to find this and expose their nether regions to it. (Gary Crockett) AD ADVERTISING WindOW: Where your newlywed neighbors really ought to hang some curtains. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) ZOOm MEETING: When your cat blithely jumps onto your laptop during the weekly staff briefing. (John Bunyan, Cincinnati) DivisiON, DisruptiON, DeregulatiON, DysfunctiON, DeportatiON, DeceptiON, DestructiON, DisinformatiON: A few of the president's favorite things. (Jesse Frankovich) And Last: PAThOLOGY: The dismal science of figuring out which toilet jokes the Empress will think are funny. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) And Even Laster: EMPowered taskmistRESS: Kind of like Nurse Ratched, but not as sweet. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, May 18: our Questionable Journalism contest. See wapo.st/invite1383. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1385, published May 24, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1385: Don't you want to see new places? Slightly change a place name and tell about the new place. Plus fake trivia about spring. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers May 21, 2020 at 9:17 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning fake trivia about spring) CAPE GOD: Not only can tourists go whale-watching — they can also walk on the water. OKRAHOMA: Where the slime comes sweeping down the plain . . . IMMOBILE, ALA.: None of that New South stuff in this town. It's almost impossible to believe, but in the past 1,384 Style Invitational contests — so many of which have asked readers to change some word or name slightly — neither the Empress nor her predecessor, the Czar, seems to have done this specific, ever-so-Invitey one, which was suggested by 60-time Loser Kenneth Gallant (official Loser anagram: Ankle-Length Ant). This week: Change any place name slightly and describe the new place, as in the examples above. The change doesn't have to be only one letter, but a reader should be able to know what the original place name was. So perhaps "Parts" might not work, but "Parts, France" would be clear enough. You can pretty much bet that someone else out there will have the same name change that you thought of, so it'll be the cleverest description that gets the ink. AD This week's second prize: a giant toy Shigella dysenteriae bacterium. This week's second prize: a giant toy Shigella dysenteriae bacterium. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1385 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, June 1; results will appear June 21 in print, June 18 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the very last of a set of adorable plush-toy renderings of disease microbes that was donated in — I swear — February 2004 by the very generous 90-time Loser Paul Kondis (Loser anagram: So Ink Up, Lad!), back when microbes could somehow be thought of as cute. This one is a toy Shigella dysenteriae bacterium, named "Stomach Ache" by its creators. Apropos of this contest, it's closely associated with diseases affecting travelers. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Spring Fauxwords" was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Jeff Shirley; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev and the Devs will anagram your name. "Like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The less cute, eyeless shigella in real life. We won't give you this one, no matter how much ink you get. The less cute, eyeless shigella in real life. We won't give you this one, no matter how much ink you get. (Centers for Disease Control) The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon (May 21), reviews each new contest and set of results. Check out this week's Convo at wapo.st/conv1385. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Spring fauxwords: The seasonal fictoids of Week 1381 In Week 1381 we asked for some fake trivia about spring or things that happen (or happened) in spring. Several Losers informed us that in various places on Earth, March comes in like a llama and goes out like a lemur; in like tuna, out like sushi; in like a lamb, out like a big wuss; in like a polar bear, out like a duck; and, in Australia, in like a kangaroo, out like an emu. 4th place: Typically after the vernal equinox an extra two minutes of daylight are added to each day, but beginning March 2020, an extra 45 days were added to each month. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) AD 3rd place: Plants can repel breeze-borne pollen by swaying to the left, or accept it by swaying right. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) 2nd place and the assortment of yucky-flavored jelly beans: Responding to a flattering comment by the Dutch prime minister last May, President Trump said: "He's a very smart guy. He knows where to plant his tulips." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: When the White House Easter Egg Roll was canceled this year because of the pandemic, the president was left with crates full of wooden commemorative eggs with the slogan "Impeachment was a HOAX." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) In fool bloom: Honorable mentions In Houston, the first sign of spring is usually stolen. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) After his "Happy Good Friday to all!" tweet on April 10, President Trump said he was being sarcastic, then claimed his account had been hacked by two Corinthians. (Frank Mann, Washington) AD During pollen season in Poland, a jag of uncontrolled sneezing is known as a zyrtec. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) President George Washington cut down all the cherry trees around the Tidal Basin. Disgraceful! But the lamestream media never mentions it! — historian D.J. Trump (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Thousands of drivers descend on San Juan Capistrano, Calif., every March for the annual Opening of the Carwashes. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Shortly before his death, Igor Stravinsky planned a sequel to "The Rite of Spring" titled "The Rong of Summer." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) If the entire pollen output from a willow tree were placed in a single pile, there is a 97 percent chance that that pile would end up in your personal sinuses. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) Sigmund Freud celebrated Mother's Day on Feb. 14. (Mark Raffman) AD The current administration's weakened consumer protection laws now allow the label "spring water" to appear on water bottled at any season. (David Young, Falmouth, Mass.) South of the equator, hope falls eternal. (David Sarokin, Washington, a First Offender) The first Kentucky Derby, in May 1875, was held during a flu outbreak, prompting ladies to social-distance by wearing huge-brimmed hats. The tradition continues to this day. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) The annual congressional bribery season begins with the venal equinox. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) Most tulips actually have four to six lips. (Miriam Nadel, Vienna, Va.) The spring clean for the May Queen yielded six full barrels of trash, but not one bustle was discovered in her hedgerow. (Mark Raffman) The 17-year Brood IX cicadas were expected to emerge around May 10 in Virginia, but the state's shelter-in-place guidelines have pushed it back until at least July 15. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) AD The song "When the Red, Red Robin (Comes Bob-Bob-Bobbin' Along)" was written in 1926 as a call to arms for communist workers worldwide. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beah, Del.) Though it's often gotten wrong, the past tense of the verb "to spring" is not "sprung" but "springed." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) You can keep your lawn healthy and green all spring with regular applications of Lysol. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) When played backward, the last four measures of the "Spring" concerto from Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" say "Antonio is dead." (David Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.) April 1 is not really April Fools' Day. (Bruce Alter) The Easter Bunny is actually just a guy in a rabbit suit — but that guy is Santa Claus. (Jesse Frankovich) March 3, April 4 and May 5 are known as A-Day, B-Day, and C-Day. (Kevin Dopart) AD A bird species called the corrigan flies south in spring. (Dave Leveton, Gainesville, Va.) When T.S. Eliot was on the Harvard rowing team in 1908, the spring regatta was postponed till May 1 because the Charles River was being dredged. As Eliot mused in his journal, "April is the crewless month." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Each spring, Jeff Bezos molts his thick black lustrous hair and again becomes completely bald for the summer. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Still running — deadline Monday night, May 25: Our contest for stupid questions. See wapo.st/invite1384. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1386, published May 31, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1386: Colt following — it's the grandfoals Derby pedigrees: 'Breed' any two of this week's inking 'foal' names Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers May 28, 2020 at 9:50 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to this week's inking foal names) The Kentucky Derby, postponed from its usual first Saturday in May, is still scheduled for Sept. 5, and the Empress's bejeweled fingers are crossed that there's no Churchill Downer. But fortunately we galloped along nevertheless and ran The Style Invitational's biggest annual contest, begun in 1995, in which readers "breed" the names of two racehorses and name the "foal." This time, instead of the 3-year-olds nominated to run the Triple Crown races — we'll visit them in September — our breeding stock consisted of 100 of the past 145 Kentucky Derby winners, and the foals are just as cleverly named as usual. And now, it's time for our traditional second round, one we've been doing since 2006. This week: "Breed" any two of the 70 foal names that got ink this week and name the offspring to reflect both parents' names, in the style of today's inking entries. As always, the names may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but one or more characters may be numerals, punctuation marks or other symbols. You may run words together, as in some of this week's results, but the name should be easy to read. AD Use the format Name A x Name B = Grandfoal Name for each breeding (on one line per entry), just like the entries on the page today, and make sure you spell the "parents' '' names as they're spelled on this page. This week's second-prize socks: You'll have to get your own set for your front feet. This week's second-prize socks: You'll have to get your own set for your front feet. (animalpawssocks.com) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1386 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, June 8; results will appear June 28 in print, June 25 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of socks that are supposed to make your human feet look like horse hoofs. As of press time, these fine garments were still trotting leisurely over from Shanghai, so I can't guarantee they won't end up looking like brown and white socks on your human-looking feet with a black section covering your non-equine toes. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Foals' Gold" is by Jon Gearhart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. (Not so easy to come up with fresh ones for after a quarter-century of these!) Thanks once again to Loser Jonathan Hardis for sorting the entries, and a belated shout-out to Loser Donna Saady for suggesting the use of previous Derby winners. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, May 28, reviews each new contest and set of results. This week we'll show more variations on a single name than we could fit here, and also provide a handy list of today's foal names. See wapo.st/conv1386. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Foals' gold: The horse names of Week 1382 As always, we had a huge turnout — almost 4,000 entries from more than 350 Losers — for Week 1382, our annual horse name breeding frenzy, this time with the names of 100 previous Kentucky Derby winners. The Empress is only a little bit tired after the judging (that's the "long" in furlong) and hopes that the "foals" below will prove just as fertile in Part 2 of the Pun for the Roses. 4th place: Super Saver x Northern Dancer = Fred Austere (Mary McNamara, Washington) AD 3rd place: Brokers Tip x Behave Yourself = Play NYSE (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 2nd place and the horse's-behind trophy: Kauai King x Macbeth II = Aloha, Damn'd Spot (Neal Starkman, Seattle) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Black Gold x Macbeth II = MeTarSand,YouThane (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Derby downers: Honorable mentions Buchanan x Spend a Buck = Ex-prez Checkout (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) Fonso x Day Star = Henry Twinkler (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) Fonso x Pensive = Henry Thinkler (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Old Rosebud x Vagrant = Welles Far Go (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Hindoo x Typhoon II = GandhiWithTheWind (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Hindoo x Whirlaway = Gonedhi (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.) Hindoo x Burgoo King = Hindon't (David Peckarsky, Tucson) AD Black Gold x Citation = Madam C. Jaywalker (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Assault x Strike the Gold = Au! Au! Au! (Carl Korn, Ellicott City, Md., a First Offender) Exterminator x Apollo = Killer Ap (G.T. Bowman, Falls Church, Va.) Exterminator x Sunday Silence = Killer Apse (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Apollo x Genuine Risk = Uh, Houston . . . (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) Real Quiet x Apollo = SilenceOf-TheLEMs (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Buchanan x Decidedly = Second-Worst Ever (Larry Passar, Reston, Va.; Mark Raffman, Reston) Joe Cotton x Exterminator = See No Weevil (Steve Honley, Washington) Macbeth II x Whiskery = Stubble Stubble (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Macbeth II x Bubbling Over = Toilet Trouble (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Jesse Frankovich) AD Kingman x Assault = Courtier Pounder (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Forward Pass x Lookout = Doink! (Jerome Uher, Alexandria, Va.) Foolish Pleasure x Chant = Liberate [state]! (John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.) Chant x Real Quiet = Make Up Your Mind! (Bill Bouyer, Ocoee, Fla., a First Offender) Always Dreaming x Chant = Man of La Mantra (Duncan Stevens) His Eminence x Majestic Prince = "Mr. Prez" Is Fine (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) Determine x Agile = Will & Grace (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.) Jet Pilot x Wintergreen = Top Gum (Kevin Dopart, Washington; David Smith, Stockton, Calif.) Wintergreen x Needles = The Holly & the IV (Jonathan Paul) Omar Khayyam x Cannonade = O.K. Boomer (Kim Martin, Greencastle, Pa.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Omar Khayyam x Old Rosebud = O.K. Bloomer (Mary McNamara) AD Spend A Buck x Regret = Dolor Store (Steve Honley) Big Brown x Regret = If Only I Had TP! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Omar Khayyam x Whiskery = Victor Kiam (John Winant, Annandale, Va.) Omar Khayyam x Gallant Fox = Fakir News (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Go for Gin x I'll Have Another = Hold My Hair (Lori Lipman Brown, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) Exterminator x Flying Ebony = Bye Bye Blackbird (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.) Shut Out x Behave Yourself = No Runs No Eros (Jeff Contompasis) Behave Yourself x Citation = Give It Arrest (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) Majestic Prince x Bubbling Over = Purple Drain (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Whiskery x Needles = Cat's MeOW (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) War Admiral x Middleground = Avast! Waistland (Roy Ashley, Washington) AD Northern Dancer x Shut Out = Flatley Denied (Kyle Hendrickson, Urbana, Md.) Kauai King x Shut Out = Hawaii 5-0 (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Charles Trahan, Columbia, Md.) Forward Pass x Pensive = Sack (Daniel McCauley, Staunton, Va.) Pensive x American Pharoah = IMHOtep (Jonathan Paul) Hoop, Jr. x Country House = Shaq in the Woods (Steve Price, New York) Jet Pilot x Assault = Joe Maimeth (Rob Wolf) Assault x Ponder = One Hit Wonder (Timothy Watts, Great Falls, Va.) Day Star x Sunday Silence = Oprah Wind-Free (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) Decidedly x Middleground = Extremely Average (Mary Kappus, Washington) Regret x Brokers Tip = Discount Mohel (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) Animal Kingdom x Assault = Wolf Blitzer (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) Orb x Swaps = Bro (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) AD Swaps x Orb = Eye for an Eye (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) Kauai King x Needles = Pokés (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.) American Pharoah x Carry Back = Cairopractor (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Decidedly x Super Saver = Single Ply (Samuel Aaron, Chicago) Spend a Buck x Forward Pass = Get a Quarter Back (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) Dust Commander x Country House = Roomba With a View (Dave Silberstein) Country House x Northern Dancer = Dacha-cha (Kevin Dopart; John Winant) Go for Gin x Cannonade = Tank Array (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.; Duncan Stevens) Genuine Risk x Foolish Pleasure = No Mask for Me (Emma Daley, Harrisburg, Pa.; Jerome Uher) Sea Hero x Always Dreaming = Water Mitty (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Super Saver x Smarty Jones = Coupon Quipper (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Old Rosebud x Dark Star = Citizen Kanye (Tom Witte) Spend A Buck x War Emblem = Dollar General (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) George Smith x Silver Charm = George Smith Jr. (George Smith Jr. — yes! — Frederick, Md.) Shut Out x Sunday Silence = No Ink Again (Steve Offutt, Arlington, Va.; Frank Mann, Washington) Still running — deadline Monday night, June 1: Our contest to slightly change a place name. See wapo.st/invite1385. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1387, published June 7, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1387: Movie clips Delete letters from the middle of a movie title; plus Questionable Journalism winners Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers June 4, 2020 at 10:01 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the Questionable Journalism winners) FINDING(N)EMO: A father tries to reconcile with his estranged son by pretending to love angsty teenage music. THE (L)EGO MOVIE: "Everything is Awesome" about the Dear Leader. Brought to you by Fox News. BA(b)E: PIG IN THE CITY: A Manhattan millennial introduces her boyfriend from Flyover Country to her snotty parents. Just over a year ago, the Empress ran a contest asking readers to delete letters from the beginning or end of a movie title to make a new film. Now, at the suggestion of Hopelessly Addicted to Loserdom Duncan Stevens, we present the sequel. This week: Delete one or more letters (they must be consecutive) from the middle of a movie title, and describe the resulting new movie, as in Duncan's suggestions above. You may change spacing, capitalization and punctuation. (Added June 6: You may also delete one or more numbers from the movie title.) GOP in the Before Times: This week's second prize. GOP in the Before Times: This week's second prize. AD Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1387 (no capitals in the Web address). Indicate the deleted letter(s) in parentheses; don't use contrasting typefaces, strike-throughs, etc.; the entry form's primitive little brain can't handle them. Deadline is Monday, June 15; results will appear July 5 in print, July 2 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine big Bush-Quayle campaign button, from either 1988 or 1992, so it was for either a winning effort or a losing one. Picked up by the Empress at an estate sale, it's sure to evoke a little nostalgia even from your lefties for An Era of Some Sanity. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Ask Capades" is by Chris Doyle; Roy Ashley wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column reviews each new contest and set of results. See wapo.st/conv1387. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Ask Capades: The inking questions from Week 1383 Week 1383 was an installment of our Questionable Journalism contest, in which readers chose a sentence from The Post or another paper and paired it with a question — totally out of context — that the sentence could answer. 4th place: A. "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." Q. What advice is not usually given at drama school orientation? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 3rd place: A. "It is a great transportation option for folks as states and localities start to reopen." Q. Why are car manufacturers eagerly announcing new lines of hearses? (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) AD 2nd place and the Japanese version of Dave Barry's American history book: A. "Will some people be affected badly?" Q. Stephen Miller, what goal do you set for yourself at the start of each workday? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: A. "The District will open 20 voting centers from May 22 to June 2 so voters can stagger the days they go to the polls." Q. What's being done to encourage drunks to vote? (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) Who chose THESE? Honorable mentions A. It received a $10 million loan. Q. How is the pandemic affecting the Kushner tots' lemonade stand? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) A. At the moment, social distancing is the only effective countermeasure. Q. How do I get my parents to stop asking me when I'm going to give them grandchildren? (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) AD A. "I'm just a big lump," he yells out. "Poopyhead. Poopyhead!" Q. How is the president practicing for this fall's debates? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) A. "If you don't need it, don't apply." Q. What instructions are on every bottle of Three-Alarm Habanero Crab Lice Ointment? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) A. There would still be time for hockey on the trampoline. Q. What's a line from "The Love Song of Salvador Dali"? (Duncan Stevens) A. It's become a movement. Q. Mr. President, how is your famed gut instinct today? (Kevin Dopart) A. "I nap more than I ever did before." Q. Jen O'Malley Dillon, what's it like being Joe Biden's campaign manager? (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) A. "He eventually dumped me, and with distance and perspective I saw that he was obviously a terrible match for me — and one who treated me poorly in public." Q. What sentence appears simultaneously in the memoirs of Jeff Sessions, Sarah Sanders, Rick Perry, Kirstjen Nielsen, John Kelly, James Mattis, Rex Tillerson . . . (Tom Panther, Sharps, Va.) AD A. 52 percent agreed there is a "significant" reproducibility crisis in science. Q. Do most physicists and biologists report having too little sex? (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) A. This is close to a carbon copy — maybe just a few degrees cooler." Q. Isn't this newfangled mimeograph machine awesome? (Adrienne Cadik, Alexandria, Va.) A. "You do need to do that dance — how far away can I stand without you being able to reach the thing?" Q. How did Adam remember his early awkwardness with Eve? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) A. Add cilantro to the pot. Q. How does one stretch one's stash while in isolation? (Asking for a friend.) (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) A. "This is a humbling job." Q. What tweet immediately led the FBI to realize that the President's Twitter feed had been hacked? (John Hutchins) AD A. Now here we are in our homes, and we have to face the domestic sphere. Q. So has your spouse gained any weight during the lockdown? (Duncan Stevens) A. "Despite its smaller size, it had better airflow and speed." Q. How did John Bobbitt see the silver lining? (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) A. You'll love the way people light up around you. Q. What's the best thing about cleaning up a nuclear plant after an accident? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A. The Jehovah's Witnesses are not knocking on doors right now. They stopped back in March. Q. Why have two women been standing on my front porch for three months? (Steve Smith) A. "Write down everything you've done today starting from the moment you woke up." Q. What did your bride say on the second day of your marriage that made you say "whuh-oh"? (Chris Doyle) AD A. Fifty arms, no brain at all. Q. So who showed up at the Michigan capitol to protest the stay-at-home order? (Chris Doyle; the original was describing certain starfish) A. "Some of us could make a party of just the fried appetizers." Q. What did the alligators say about the people flocking to Florida beaches? (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) A. "In key ways, America's representatives in Washington aren't much like America." Q. Did you know that most members of Congress can name their district's member of Congress? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) A. "If you can change the world, why can't you change your appearance?" Q. What was the one question everyone wanted to ask Bill Gates? (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii) A. To the delight of the kids, the family decided to add more concrete. Q. What creative solution did the Smiths use to win the world record for the heaviest stuffed turkey? (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) AD A. Depending on market conditions, it could also be at or even below fair market rental value. Q. Why shouldn't I supplement my income by selling my body to the night? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) A. A flexible putty knife, a stiff brush and a vacuum might be helpful. Q. "I need to fill in for the president's valet and do his hair and makeup! How will I even start?" (Frank Mann, Washington) A. "Toes allowed agile locomotion by distributing control among multiple compliant, redundant structures that mitigate the risks of moving on challenging terrain." Q. What did the engineer say with a shrug after stepping on Katie's Lego in the dark? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) A. "He wrote that $170 had come from 'our red brethren of the Choctaw nation.' " Q. What did Daniel Snyder tweet after a couple of guys from Oklahoma ordered tickets to a game? (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) A. "We've got to get to the bottom of it." Q. What's the first thing we have to do when taking the dog's temperature? (Beverley Sharp) A. Harrison has been offering free group challenges each month that are open to anyone; the goal is to accrue as many points as possible. Q. Why was nutritionist Rhonda Harrison fired from her job at Weight Watchers? (Hannah Seidel) A. All the while, a fluid situation becomes more challenging. Q. What's it like to see "Next Rest Stop 24 Mi" and you really should have stopped at the last one? (Sam Mertens) A. "I wanted to be a part of his act and I wanted to be with my cheetah again." Q. Ms. First Lady, why did you decide to stand by him through all these revelations? (Tom Panther) A. Teens scheme to have sex, but no one actually winds up having it. Q. What is the plot of the least viewed video on Pornhub? (Mark Raffman) A. Turn the news on, see a headline, then immediately turn the news off. Q. What is the breakthrough exercise to strengthen your wrist? (Sue Lin Chong) A. It's a safe space in the palm of one's hand. Q. How do you feel about self-isolating in your apartment with no opportunity to date women? (Michelle Christophorou, Guildford, England) A. "It's nearly 372,000 words covering more than 700 pages, single-spaced." Q. Hey. Empress, why didn't my hilarious shaggy-dog joke get ink? (Beverley Sharp) A. "This is not a joke." Q. What does the Empress say about most of my Invite entries? (Sam Mertens) Still running — deadline Monday night, June 8: Our annual "grandfoals" contest. See wapo.st/invite1386. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1388, published June 14, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1388: Turning around a business It's an anagram contest. Plus winning stupid questions for These Trying Times. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers June 11, 2020 at 10:02 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the inking stupid questions) OAF ODES SEAFOOD: A restaurant with clumsy waiters who insist on singing sea chanteys. ALLERGY GALLERY: The Museum of Natural Histamine. LEGATO GELATO: The smoothest ice cream around. This week's contest was suggested by Absolutely Obsessive Loser Jeff Contompasis. Are you seeing what he did here? This week: Create a business, product, organization or similar entity that contains a word, name or phrase and its anagram, and describe it, as in Jeff's own examples above. ("Allergy Gallery" was his inking entry in a similar contest, Week 955 in 2010.) An anagram is a word or group of words that rearranges all the letters in another word or group of words, without omitting or duplicating any of them. Just think of having a bunch of Scrabble tiles and moving them around. There's a really good chance that someone else will send the Empress the same anagram you did, so the ink would go to the funnier description. Bet you can't ... well, who'd want to wear just one, anyway? This week's 2nd-prize socks. Bet you can't ... well, who'd want to wear just one, anyway? This week's 2nd-prize socks. (BelovedShirts.com) AD Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1388 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, June 22; results will appear July 12 in print, July 9 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of knee-length socks that, together, depict a bag of Lay's sour cream and onion potato chips. These are simply de rigueur for the Loser wardrobe, but only after Memorial Day. Sandals optional. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "What Duh . . ." is by Stephen Dudzik; Nan Reiner wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, June 11, reviews each new contest and set of results. See wapo.st/conv1388. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . What duh . . .: Stupid questions from Week 1384 In Week 1384 the Empress asked for stupid questions, especially relating to The Current Situation, but more timeless ones as well. Several Losers just quoted verbatim: "I see the disinfectant, where it knocks it out in one minute, and is there a way you can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning?" A couple of questions were too good to be called stupid, and so they get nothing: Todd DeLap asked, "Did you realize that 'Fauci' backward is 'I Cuaf'?" and Eric Nelkin wondered, "Wait, when were the Certain Times?" AD 4th place: "Don't you think I look a lot more manly without that stupid mask?" (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) 3rd place: "Why are my neighbor's black-eyed Susans staring at me?" (Paul Duffy, Geneseo, N.Y., a First Offender) 2nd place and the shower cap-style Ear Guards: "Anyone want to carpool over with me to the testing site?" (Bill Bouyer, Ocoee, Fla.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: If ignorance is bliss, why is Trump so cranky all the time? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) . . . and dumber: Honorable mentions "Do you agree with the president on that point, Mr. Vice President?" (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) "Since you have to be on a ventilator for a month now, can I borrow your masks?" (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) "Is it too much to ask for a plane door that's bigger than my umbrella?" — D.J.T. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) AD They say that it is loss that teaches us about the worth of things, but what has it taught us about socks? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) "Can you and your sister stop fighting and be quiet for the next hour while I lead a Zoom meeting?" (Marli Melton) "Hi, do you offer Zoom acupuncture?" (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) "A notorious multiple-bankruptcy con artist sent me a $1,200 'check.' Should I call the FTC to report this obvious scam?" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) "Officer, do you even know how to use that Taser?" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Can you believe those greedy teachers, asking for raises after we've been doing their job for them all this time? (Josh Feldblyum, Springfield, Pa.) "Alexa, how far is six feet in a size 8 shoe?" (Bill Bouyer) "Did you hear that the virus comes from Chinese penguins?" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) AD "Are you wondering if those pants make you look fat?" (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) Can we shake left-handed since I only wipe my nose with my right hand? (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) "Come on, wasn't that the best two minutes you've ever had?" (Tom Witte) "Do you take this excrescence to be your husband?" (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) "Does hydroxychloroquine make your hands grow?" (Jesse Frankovich) "Does this face mask come in mesh?" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.) "Doesn't anyone here still care about Brexit?" (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.) "For a Wonder Bread fan like me, is there somewhere that I can get a sourdough ender?" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Has anyone ever watched paint dry all the way to make sure the whole process is boring? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) "Honey, with your promotion to inspector general, why don't we buy a new house?" (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) AD "How can Governor Cuomo's sign language interpreter even hear him from inside that box?" (Lil Tompkins, Laurel, Md., a First Offender) "I'm teaching my children at home. Where do I call to get a substitute?" (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) "I crammed a Q-Tip up my nose, and when I pulled it out it was covered in red and greenish goo, but I didn't see any of those little spiky balls. So I'm good, right?" (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) "If I maintain a 12-foot distance from my wife, can I be within zero feet of my girlfriend?" (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) "Why does this mask make everything look so dark?" (Wendy Sheng, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) "If I mix hydroxychloroquine with meth, will it work faster?" (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) If you're not allowed to eat a sandwich on the Metro, why is it called a subway? (Jesse Frankovich) AD "Mr. President, could you explain your long-term strategy on this issue?" (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) "Since I'm an essential employee, I'm going to be paid more, right?" (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) "Since school is canceled, shouldn't we gather all the neighborhood kids and put them together in a room to teach them something?" (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) "Since we can't shake hands anymore, why don't we start rubbing noses?" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) "I'd feel safe if I kept my mask on, like you do, during the dental exam, okay?" (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Why do female politicians do so many things that get Donald Trump in a lather? Are they out to provoke him or something? (Duncan Stevens) Why is it that every time Anthony Fauci is asked to testify before Congress, a new disease appears in the United States? (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) AD "Will my blood still be red after I drink the bleach? How will I know when I'm bleeding?" (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) "Would you like to see my PowerPoint on people I have observed in our neighborhood who are not practicing social distancing?" (Roy Ashley, Washington) Why don't we eliminate the security risk of cloth-covered faces (bank robbers, much?) by covering our noses and mouths with nice clear Saran Wrap? (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station) Still running — deadline Monday night, June 15: Our contest to delete letters from the middle of a movie title. See wapo.st/invite1387. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1389, published June 21, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1389: TankaWanka IV It's a like a haiku with a kick at the end. Plus winning puns on place names. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers June 18, 2020 at 9:55 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning and Losing puns on place names) One thing we have learned: Melania's no dummy. For living with him The price was a small cleanup In the terms of her prenup. The TankaWanka is a form of verse that the Empress coined back in 2014, as a variation on the venerable Japanese tanka. It's like haiku with a little extra oomph: instead of three mini-lines, you have five mini-lines, and you get to rhyme, and you don't write about preciously exquisite moments etc. but instead about Stuff in the News. We haven't TankaWankaed since the still-in-shock summer of 2017. So many shocks later, let's give it another go. This week: Write a TankaWanka about something that's been in the news lately (this gives you considerable latitude, but not enough to, say, grouse about your mother-in-law, unless your mother-in-law is, say, Betsy DeVos). The poem must consist of five lines of 5, 7, 5, 7 and 7 syllables in that order. And at least two of the lines must rhyme, as in the example above by Gene "Willy Wanka" Weingarten, who will be sorry that he can't win this week's second prize. You may add a title, perhaps quoting a news headline. AD The prize for this week's No. 2 finisher. The prize for this week's No. 2 finisher. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1389 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, June 29; results will appear July 19 in print, July 16 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives Poo-Dough — a Play-Doh-type goo and mold to make, well, you know. To judge from reviews on YouTube, the final product has a pretty convincing appearance. It even comes with some yellow clay, along with the brown, to make some corn kernels you can embed. Gyaaadddh, are we running out of prizes here at Mount Vermin or what? Donated eons ago by 430-time Loser Nan Reiner. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "From There to Har" is by Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, June 18, reviews the new contest and results. This week, some classic TankaWanka from our three previous contests. See wapo.st/conv1389. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . From there to har: Puns on places from Week 1385 In Week 1385 we asked you to slightly change a place name and describe the new place. Several of the 2,300 entries suggested Mar-a-Lego, playhouse of a giant toddler. 4th place: Napless: Home to both Italy's crankiest toddlers and Florida's crankiest seniors. (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) 3rd place: Ohaha, Neb.: Where people are slow to get the joke. (Ken Liss, Brookline, Mass.) 2nd place and the toy dysentery bacterium: Germ Man Town, Md.: In an attempt to generate publicity, this nondescript D.C. suburb has changed its name to honor Anthony Fauci. (Ed Scarbrough, Germantown, Md.) AD And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Tea 'n' a Mint Square: A lovely, peaceful plaza in the Chinese capital where nothing bad ever happened. — X.J., Beijing (Ben Sack, Leesburg, Va., a First Offender) Nether regions: Honorable mentions All Paso, Tex.: West Texas town with no exit ramp off I-10. (Bill Cromwell, Keswick, Va., a First Offender) Alpacastan: Hiding place of the notorious Osama bin Llama. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) Bantucket Island: No bawdy limericks permitted! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Barcalounga, Spain: Where the highlight of the day is the siesta. (Ann Houston, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender; Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) Belchum: Famed for its deeply satisfying beer. (Dave Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.) Bethesduh: The birthplace of Captain Obvious, obviously. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) AD Biden-Biden: Spa town famous for its gaffe courses. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) BryceH Canyon: No matter what you shout at Echo Point, all you hear is "Traitor! Boooo!" (Carol Passar, Reston, Va.) Bugdad: The first words of children born here are "Are we there yet?" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Butt, Mont.: Drop by, drop 'em, and enjoy a full moon in Big Sky Country! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Caca Beach: A Florida town unfortunately adjacent to a sewage treatment plant. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Cute d'Ivoire: Where Dumbo the elephant comes from. (Jonathan Jensen) Cyberia: Where Putin sends ineffective trolls and hackers. (Ray Gallucci, Frederick, Md; Chris Murphy, Germantown, Md.) Erode Island: It used to be the 13th largest state, but now it's the 50th! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) AD Forgo, N.D.: Just keep driving to Canada. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.; Mary Hanisco, Takoma Park, Md., a First Offender) Fucson, Ariz. Motto: "Um, it's pronounced "Foo-sahn." (Jesse Aronson, Arlington, Va.) Hampa: This Florida city tried to keep a lid on a messy socks scandal. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) Handover, Mass.: A town with a 95 percent tax rate. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Happylaychian Trail: A healthful alternative to the Mile High Club. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) Helstinki: Something may be rotten in the state of Denmark, but it absolutely reeks in the state of Finland. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Hecksinki: It's said that no vice happens here, but you can't swear to it. (Frank Mann, Washington) Idahno: Hey, Typical American, what lies between Wyoming and Oregon? (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) AD Ignorefolk, Va: We always do social distancing! (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) Isle of White: Steve Bannon's fantasyland. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Kintucky: Where your family tree is a single vine. (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) Kentacky: Home of the Run for the Artificial Roses. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) Lake Flaccid: The perfect retirement location in Upstate New York for folks from Viagra Fails. (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.) Lake Wokebegon: The little town where Garrison Keillor should have moved back. (Steve Smith) Las Vagueness: What happens here stays here, because no one can remember the details. (Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.; Jonathan Jensen) Mehtropolis: Home of the semi-superhero Adequateman. (Jeff Contompasis) Mount Tushmore: First site of Gutzon Borglum's presidential monument; it had to be abandoned when large cracks developed during the stonecutting. (Larry Passar, Reston, Va.) AD New Jerksey: Its motto: "WTF YOU looking at?" (Steve Honley, Washington) North Pool: Santa's home in about 30 years. (Mike Phillips, Chevy Chase, Md.) No Truth, No Consequences, N.M.: They'd like to move the Republican National Convention here. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) Nude York: The city that never sleeps in pajamas. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Palm Bench, Fla.: Where second-string foreign officials wait to pay their emoluments. (Darren Timothy, Bristow, Va.) Pencilvania: The nation's No. 2 travel destination! (Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.; Danielle Nowlin) The Outer Boinks: A great place to go for spring break. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) Triple-E, Libya: Clown Shoe Capital of the World. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Worster, Mass.: If you don't like Boston, you'll really hate this place. (David Young, Falmouth, Mass.) AD YoMa, Ariz.: City that's smelly and excessively large, and its lights are pretty dim. But it's very easy to get to. (Duncan Stevens) And Last: Tsk-a-Loser, Ala.: Folks 'round there disapprove of that Style Invitational. (Gary Crockett) Still running — deadline Monday night, June 22: Our contest for business/product names containing anagrams. See wapo.st/invite1388. ====================================================================== WEEK 1390, published June 28, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1390: Same differences — our compare/contrast game Featuring lots of random zany items. Plus the winning 'grandfoals.' One of our newest pair of Loser magnets. See the other below. One of our newest pair of Loser magnets. See the other below. (Design by Bob Staake for The Washington Post; "No 'Bility" by Bruce Carlson) By Pat Myers June 25, 2020 at 9:22 a.m. EDT Add to list(Click here to skip down to the winning "grandfoals") A trikini covers your face and two private areas, while a seat at the Tulsa rally probably wasn't covered by anyone's private area. A Zoom wedding "— a CBD pet treat "—the last roll of toilet paper "— a Confederate statue "— John Bolton's ego "— the Lincoln Memorial "— a DIY haircut "— Finland "— a slippery slope "—Trump's tie rack "— FedEx Field "— a seat at the Tulsa rally "— a skull-motif face mask "— a trikini "— Angry Goldfish "— sourdough starter "— 2,300 Style Invitational entries "— murder hornets "— an extra-long nasal swab "— a used firecracker It's our recurring contest in which you compare 'n' contrast any two items on our wacky list — but it features some elements that weren't even on our radar just last September, when we last played this game. This week: Explain how any two of the items in the list above are similar, different or otherwise linked, as in the example above. Most of them were among the hundreds suggested by members of the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group, which you — yes, you — should join. AD Image without a caption (Design by Bob Staake for The Washington Post; "Punderachiever" by Danielle Nowlin) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1390 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, July 6; results will appear July 26 in print, July 23 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a gag-gift roll of No Tear Toilet Paper, suitable for playing a prank on the houseguests who, sometime in the future, finally get to visit you, and then will resort to . . . what? Found by Loser Mike Gips on a long-ago trip to Sweden. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets shown today, unless we have a few of the "Too-Weak Notice" or "Certificate of (de) Merit" left. First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "The Sire Next Time" is by Tom Witte; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD OUR NEW MAGNETS! Pictured above are our new Loser Magnets for honorable mentions, designed as always by the Ever More Famous Bob Staake. They're only the size of a business card, but the Empress orders only 500 of each design, and so it's really a limited-edition Staake print. And no, they're not for sale: You gotta play to lose. "Punderachiever" got ink for Danielle Nowlin in our 2015 contest for magnet ideas; "No 'Bility" was suggested to the E a few months ago by Bruce Carlson when he happened to think of it. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, June 25, discusses the new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1390. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . The sire next time: The 'grandfoals' of Week 1386 In Week 1386 we presented the winners of our annual foal name contest; the challenge was to "breed" the names of any two Kentucky Derby winners and name a "foal" whose name reflected both parents' names. And then, for the 15th time, we asked readers to breed any two of the foal names to produce "grandfoals." See this week's Style Conversational at wapo.st/conv1390 for a compendium of "Book him, Danno" wordplay as foals of Hawaii 5-0. 4th place: Au! Au! Au! x Extremely Average = Oh. Oh. Oh. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) 3rd place: Discount Mohel x Coupon Quipper = 80% Off (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) 2nd place and the horse hoof motif socks: Stubble Stubble x Tank Array = Rubble Rubble (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Avast! Waistland x Make Up Your Mind! = Bulge 'n' Waffle (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) Nixed of kin: Honorable mentions "Mr. Prez" Is Fine x Avast! Waistland = BLOTUS (Francis Canavan, Reston, Va.) AD Aloha, Damn'd Spot x If Only I Had TP! = Wipeout (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Au! Au! Au! x Joe Maimeth = Gold Man Sacks (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) Au! Au! Au! x Killer Ap = Call a Cu! (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Au! Au! Au! x O.K. Boomer = The Midas Touché (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) Bro x Eye for an Eye = Duderonomy (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Bro x Play NYSE = Broke (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Cat's MeOW x "Mr. Prez" Is Fine = Purrs Before Swine (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.) Citizen Kanye x Avast! Waistland = Yeezy Wider (Mary McNamara, Washington) Citizen Kanye x Pokés = I'mma Let You Fish (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Coupon Quipper x See No Weevil = Buy 1, Get 1 Flea (David Peckarsky, Tucson) Courtier Pounder x Extremely Average = Meatyocher (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) AD Ex-prez Checkout x Fred Austere = No New Tuxes (Mary Kappus, Washington) Extremely Average x Au! Au! Au! = So So-So (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) Flatley Denied x "Mr. Prez" Is Fine = "Mr. Prez" is Lyin (George Smith, Frederick, Md.) Flatley Denied x Give It Arrest = The Jig Is Up (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Fred Austere x Top Gum = Gingervitis (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) George Smith Jr. x Doink! = George Smith III (Emma Daley, Arlington, Va.) Give It Arrest x Welles Far Go = Quit Orson Around! (Jonathan Paul) Gonedhi x GandhiWithTheWind = He'sJustNotIndia (Byron Miller, Cobble Hill, B.C., a First Offender) Henry Thinkler x Give It Arrest = Fonzie Scheme (Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md.) Hold My Hair x Bro = Barrette Kavanaugh (Laurie Brink) Hold My Hair x Single Ply = 1 SheetToTheWind (Gina Smith, Leesburg, Ind.) AD Killer Ap x Extremely Average = Waze and Means (Ben Aronin, Washington) Killer Apse x Single Ply = Flying ButtDress (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) Liberate [state]! x Bye Bye Blackbird = Rantin' and Raven (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.) MeTarSand, YouThane x Killer Ap = Keystone Excel (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) No Ink Again x Eye for an Eye = Squid Pro Quo (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) No Mask for Me x O.K. Bloomer = Pushing Up Daisies (Janet Griffin, Madison, Wis., a First Offender) O.K. Boomer x Extremely Average = Okayest Boomer (Jeff Contompasis) Play NYSE x No Runs No Eros = J.P. Morgan Chaste (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Shaq in the Woods x If Only I Had TP! = Very Large Leaves (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) SilenceOfTheLEMs x Liberate [state]! = I Ate His Liber (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) AD Toilet Trouble x Oprah Wind-Free = The Colon Purple (John Kustka, Prince Frederick, Md.) Uh, Houston . . . x Au! Au! Au! = Uh, Austin? (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Uh, Houston . . . x Flatley Denied = Astro Naught (Munro Meyersburg, Laurel, Md., a First Offender) Welles Far Go x See No Weevil = Orson Buggy (Duncan Stevens; Judith Wright, Indian Hills, Colo.) Aloha, Damn'd Spot x Sack = Don't Sniff There! (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) MeTarSand,YouThane x No Mask for Me x = MeThane,YouThtupid (Jonathan Paul) "Mr. Prez" Is Fine x Ex-prez Checkout = Im[PLU#4037]y (Ande Saunders, St. Paul, Minn., a First Offender) GandhiWithTheWind x Hold My Hair = Where's My Hat Ma? (Dave Letizia, Pinehurst, N.C.) Extremely Average x Roomba With a View = Subaru Forster (Steve Smith, Potomac. Md.) GandhiWithTheWind x Hindon't = Bollywouldn't (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) AD Henry Thinkler x Hindon't = Immanuel Kan't (Steve Price, New York) If Only I Had TP! x IMHOtep = RiddleOfTheSphinc (Jonathan Paul) If Only I Had TP! x Man of La Mantra = If Only I Had TM! (Jonathan Jensen) IMHOtep x Make Up Your Mind! = IDKtep (Laurie Brink) Purple Drain x Water Mitty = Pipe Dreams (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Roomba With a View x Purple Drain = Dusting for Prince (Rob Wolf) Uh, Houston... x SilenceOfTheLEMs = We Have a Lem Prob (Jeff Shirley) If Only I Had TP! x Single Ply = Not THAT Desperate (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) "Mr. Prez" Is Fine x Avast! Waistland = Egos Round & Round (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) O.K. Boomer x Cairopractor = Whatever, Giza (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Madam C. Jaywalker x No Runs No Eros = Outside the Loins (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) AD George Smith Jr. x Victor Kiam = Little Shaver (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) Toilet Trouble x Make Up Your Mind! = "¦OrGet OffThePot (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles; Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.) Give It Arrest x Bro = Felonious Monk (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) Man of La Mantra x Play NYSE = Om-land Securities (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) One Hit Wonder x Toilet Trouble = Flush in the Pan (Eric Nelkin) One Hit Wonder x No Ink Again = Flash in the Pun (Rob Huffman) Still running — deadline Monday night, June 29: Our TankaWanka contest for five-line poems on current events. See wapo.st/invite1389. ====================================================================== WEEK 1391, published July 5, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1391: 'Covid'-free zone! Coin a word or phrase without a C, O, V, I or D. Plus altered movie titles. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 2, 2020 at 9:24 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the inking shortened movie titles) Gymgerly: How one handles the equipment at the newly reopened Planet Fitness. Texass: A Sun Belt resident who insists that wearing a mask in a bar infringes upon his freedom. Tallsa tale: "Our other 994,000 supporters didn't show up because they were afraid of protesters!" It makes a certain sense, we concede, for The Washington Post to be Corona All the Time. But sometimes we need a reprieve. Well, a fake one, anyway. In Week 1243 we did a contest for new terms that didn't have a T, R, U, M or P; this week: Coin a new word or phrase that lacks C, O, V, I and D and describe it, as in the examples above by 24-7 Loser Duncan Stevens, who suggested this contest. Note that while the letters are off limits, the subject isn't. Not really. This week's second prize. Not really. This week's second prize. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1391 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, July 13; results will appear Aug. 2 in print, July 30 online. AD Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives something that's for giving away: It's a prank gift box labeled "Emma Dean's Earwax Candle Kit," complete with a big photo of a huge gobby brownish candle. "Wax Extraction Cap Included!" On the side is a promo for Ms. Dean's other alleged craft creations, like "Human Hair Wall Hangings." Donated by the eternally pranky Loser Mike Creveling. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Cut!" was suggested by half a dozen Losers; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, July 2, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1390. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Cut! Shortened movie titles from Week 1387 In Week 1387 the Empress asked you to delete one or more letters from the middle of a movie title, then describe the new film. Too many Losers suggested THE MAN(ch)URIAN CANDIDATE (you can guess the rest). More than 2,300 total entries later, let's roll 'em. 4th place: AN INCONVENIENT (t)RUTH: Alito and Kavanaugh find their plans stymied at every turn by a supernatural force. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) 3rd place: DEAD P(o)ETS SOCIETY: Heartbroken by the success of "Springtime for Hitler," Max Bialystock is convinced he's finally picked the musical that will send everyone heading for the exits. (Frank Mann, Washington) 2nd place and the Bush-Quayle campaign button: FOUR (wed)DINGS AND A FUNERAL: A cautionary tale of what happens when you're not careful with the mob boss's car. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD (st)ILL: Prequel of "The Three Months and Counting When the Earth Stood Ill." (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) THE PLOT (th)ICKENS: Honorable mentions FOR YOUR (e)YES ONLY: A documentary about the current White House's hiring standards for advisers. (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) AD FRIED GREEN (toma)TOES: While teaching Kermit to cook, Miss Piggy realizes something has gone terribly wrong. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) GHOST(bust)ERS: "Who ya gonna call — who won't pick up?" (Ben Aronin, Washington) HARRY POTTER AND THE GOB(let) OF FIRE: Hermione's clever spell causes Draco Malfoy to hawk up a gusher of flaming loogies. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) ALICE DOESN'T LI(v)E HERE ANYMORE: The president dismisses another press secretary. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) MY (f)AIR LADY: A lifelong bachelor decides he prefers the company of an inflatable woman. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) THE [h]AUNTING: A woman wishes she'd never volunteered to babysit her sister's children. (Michelle Christophorou, Guildford, England) THE P(o)PE OF GREENWICH VILLAGE: Even the singers wear masks onstage at this covid-conscious folk club. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) AD THE CHI(n)A SYNDROME: A nuclear accident brings on unsettling changes in the growth of men's beards. (Mark Raffman) THE GIRL WITH THE D(rag)ON TATTOO: A True Trumper dispenses with a MAGA hat and gets his picture inked on her forehead. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) THE IMITATION (ga)ME: Madonna expresses annoyance at Lady Gaga's success. (Mark Raffman) THE KIN(g)'S SPEECH: The best man desperately tries to think of funny but not too humiliating stories about his brother to use in the wedding toast. (Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.) THE LAST OF THE (Mohi)CANS: City residents search in vain for an open restroom during the lockdown. (William Kennard, Arlington, VA.) THE (Afri)CAN QUEEN: The Kim Kardashian story. (Mark Nocera, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) MR. S(m)ITH GOES TO WASHINGTON: How a young, naive Dick Cheney was lured to the Dark Side. (Andrew Wells-Dang, Arlington, Va.) AD NO COUNT(ry for) OLD MEN: Tarzan explains why pollsters got the 2016 presidential race wrong. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) ON THE (water)FRONT: Instructional video on the best way to wear your mask. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) ALL QUI(e)T ON THE WESTERN FRONT: They hold a war and nobody comes. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) ALL QUIET ON THE (wes)TERN FRONT: Hitchcock's less suspenseful sequel to "The Birds." (Larry Passar, Reston, Va.) ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN F(r)ONT: After an epic shootout, the graphics team finally settles on Rio Grande Bold for the saloon sign. (Gary Crockett) THE (ja)ZZ SINGER: A young emigre defies his family to chase his dream of singing lullabies for a living. (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) THE (phan)TOM OF THE OPERA: Believe it or not, they managed to make an even worse movie musical about cats. (Jesse Frankovich) AD THE BEST (y)EARS OF OUR LIVES: Three Iowa corn farmers discover the lucrative business of ethanol. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) THE BLUE (la)GOON: The Democrats decide they need a ruthless, irrational bully of their own. (Maggie Haring, Leesburg, Va.) P(r)ETTY WOMAN: We follow Karen from store to store as she demands to see every manager. (Jerry Birchmore) PE(yt)ON PLACE: The lives of the downstairs staff at Mar-a-Lago. (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) RO(semar)Y'S BABY: An Alabama judge goes "shopping" at a local mall. (Jesse Frankovich) J(F)K: Oliver Stone's new film admits that, okay seriously, it was just Lee Harvey Oswald. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) F(ive easy pi)ECES: Jack Nicholson plays a young well-to-do who renounces his life of privilege and takes a series of crap jobs. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) AD BEAUTY AND THE BE(a)ST: The Donald and Melania story, produced by One America News Network. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) AROUND THE WORLD IN 8(0) DAYS: On their most grueling tour, the Beatles circumnavigate the globe in a week. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) 2001(: A space) ODYSSEY: In this promotional short, Honda touts improved cupholders and far-back seats in its new minivan. (Frank Mann) STAR TREK: THE SEARCH FOR S(p)OCK: Even with the advanced laundry technology of the future, hosiery continues to disappear mysteriously. (Tom Witte) G(oldi)LOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS: Responding at the wrong house to a reported burglary, a SWAT team pulls a no-knock raid on a couple and their child. (Chris Doyle) FUNNY (g)IRL: Fanny dreams of being a stand-up comedian. But will her Internet jokes fall flat in front of a live audience? (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) AD INVASION OF THE (body snat)CHERS: Drag queens descend on New Orleans for the annual celebrity lookalike contest. (Chris Doyle) INVASION OF THE BO(dy sna)TCHERS: Citizens discover that competent government officials have all been replaced by inept political appointees. (Sam Mertens) THE SILENCE OF THE (lam)BS: Trump takes a Twitter break. (Michelle Christophorou) THE TOWERING (infer)NO: The Mitch McConnell Story. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) F(ro)ZEN: A frustrated monk abandons his path to enlightenment. (Ryan Martinez) Still running — deadline Monday night, July 6: Our contest to compare any two items from our zany list. See wapo.st/invite1390. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1392, published July 12, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1392: Picture This — a cartoon caption contest Make 'sense' of these 4 Bob Staake pictures. Plus some amazing anagrams. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 9, 2020 at 10:05 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning anagrams forming business names) Back in late January, when we last did our cartoon caption contest, one of the random Bob Staake cartoons was of a woman sitting at home in an armchair and noticing that a bunch of giant circles — spots? bowling balls? dog noses? — had appeared outside her window. What we couldn't yet have known was that they were coronaviruses (or they would have been, if some caption-writing Loser had found a way to make that funny). Anyway, the point is that we often see things differently from how we did back in the Before Times. Which makes it a good time to try out a new stack of Staakes. This week: Write a caption, either descriptive or in dialogue, for any of the Bob Staake cartoons above. It's inevitable that numerous Losers will come up with the same general idea, so the funniest writing will get the ink. AD Help an Empress today! Please begin each entry with "Picture A:," "Picture B:," etc., followed on the same line by your caption. This will let Ms. E, with the "assistance" of Microsoft Word, group all the Picture A captions together, etc., before scorning the vast majority of them. Thank you — you're so kind! Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1392 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, July 20; results will appear Aug. 9 in print, Aug. 6 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the latest of our Questionable Culinary Delights: It's durian, the pineapple-size fruit that's beloved in Southeast Asian cuisine. But it's not the custardy pulp; it's the part that's not beloved: It's a plastic vial of "durian aroma paste," concentrating a smell that "has been said to reek of gym socks, garbage and rotting meat," according to Science News. Loser Daphne Steinberg, who found it in a D.C.-area international supermarket, didn't break the seal on the bottle, and neither did we. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Style's Slyest" is by Jeff Contompasis; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, July 9, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1392. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . STYLE'S SLYEST: Winning anagrams from Week 1388 In Week 1388 we asked for businesses, products, etc. whose names contained a word or phrase plus its anagram. In other words, all the letters in the first half of the name are scrambled into the other half, like DREARY MISSES' TENT/MATERNITY DRESSES. Amazingly clever finds this week! 4th place: PATHETIC RUSE THERAPEUTICS: Our placebos are the most effective on the market. (Byron Miller, Cobble Hill, B.C.) 3rd place: BACHELOR CARBHOLE: Beer & Fries R All U Need (Bill Hilton, Sebring, Fla.) 2nd place and the potato chip package-motif socks: BAD TO YOU AUTO BODY: We promise that your car will leave our shop more rusted, dinged and dented than when you brought it in — all for an outrageous price! (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: 'ALIENS/MY ANUS' INSANE ASYLUM: We get right to the bottom of abduction probe delusions. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) ONE-SMIRK MONIKERS: Honorable mentions SPECIAL VOTERS POSTAL SERVICE: Agency created by the president that will accept mail-in ballots, but only from his supporters. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) AD ASCOT TACOS: Our truck is a Bentley. (Dave Letizia, Pinehurst, N.C.; Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) RUBE UBER: A ride-sharing service for those without smartphones; a.k.a. a cab. (Steven Gerstein, Potomac, Md., a First Offender) 'I LOST A BRA IN IT' ITALIAN BISTRO: Trattoria known for its very strong drinks. (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) AMPLE CONTOURS CRUMPET SALOON: Featuring an all-day snack and beer buffet. (Byron Miller) BAKER'S FAT BREAKFAST: Start your day with a doughnut with cheesecake topping! (Raymond Gallucci, Frederick, Md.) BOREDOM BEDROOM: The worst little whorehouse in Texas. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) BURLY DREAM LUMBERYARD: Shop here, ladies, and you'll never need a stud finder. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) 'C'MON, EARN SPOUSE TIME' TEA 'N' SCONES EMPORIUM: A romantic outing, for one of you. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) AD CHARGE MUCH MEGACHURCH: If you want to find Jesus, you gotta grease some psalms. (Frank Mann, Washington) CIA STOP-IN OPTICIANS: The White House has limited its stock to rose-colored glasses. (Mark Raffman, Reston) 'HAD OUTHOUSE FOR ENTERTAINING' SOUTHERN HERITAGE FOUNDATION: It operates the Museum of Unromanticized Dixie Culture. (Kevin Dopart) CLEANSED SITE DELICATESSEN: Where we fumigate the food, staff and customers. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) COARSE APE AEROSPACE: When we throw bones in the air, they turn into satellites! Serving the industry since 2001. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) DIET TIDE: The detergent taste you crave, the convenience of pods — now sugar-free! (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) DOORBELL BORDELLO: We'll push your buttons and never expect a ring. (Kevin Dopart) AD DREARY MISSES' TENT MATERNITY DRESSES: Telling it like it is with the same styles since 1940. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) EROS'S SORES: Your reliable STD clinic. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) FAKE SCAM FACE MASK: For those who think covid-19 is a hoax: It exposes your nose and mouth but covers your eyes and ears. (Frank Mann) GAME OF THRONES FEARSOME THONG: Wear what the Night King wore beneath that armor! (Ken Liss, Brookline, Mass.) GENITAL FERVOR FOREIGN TRAVEL: Your guide to Amsterdam's red-light district. (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.) HOMER'S IPECAC ICE CREAM SHOP: If you keep these down, they're free! Mmm, ipecac! (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) ICY TOES SOCIETY: Its members would really like to get together, but they have cold feet. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery Ala.) MINIATURE GOLF FEATURING LIMO: Why walk all those inches between holes when you can travel in style? (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) AD NOSY LOCO COP COLONOSCOPY: It's a free procedure, but you might just want to pay the ticket. (Roy Ashley, Washington) OCEANIC COCAINE: Ride the high seas on this cruise. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis; Stephen Dudzik) OCHER SLOP PRESCHOOL: The only place in town that welcomes your un-potty-trained child. (Melissa Balmain) RICH MAN CHARMIN: Bath tissue designed for the effluent of the affluent. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) TESLA LEAST: Reimagining the skateboard. Reserve yours now — delivery 2025. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) A CERVIX SITE TAXI SERVICE: Many babies have been born — not to mention conceived — in our back seats. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) RANDOM CRUISE INVOICE/ CORONAVIRUS MEDICINE/ VIDEO CORNER MUSICIAN/ ECONOMIC RUIN ADVISER: 2020 Problems Got You Down? Wire U$ Money, We Help All Your Troubles! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) AD And Last: LOSER CHOP PRESCHOOL: Where future Empresses learn to winnow the list. (J.J. Gertler, Arlington) Still running — deadline Monday night, July 20: Our contest for new words and phrases that lack C, O, V, I and D. See wapo.st/invite1391. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1393, published July 19, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1393: Another go at anagrams (O groan at a rash magnet?) Describe anagram businesses from Week 1388; plus winning TankaWanka on the news Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 16, 2020 at 9:44 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning TankaWanka poems on news events) Last week the Empress ran the totally nifty results for names of businesses or products that contained anagrams: The letters in the first half of the name were scrambled to make the second half. Like DIET TIDE. Or CHARGE MUCH MEGACHURCH. Or the winner, "ALIENS/MY ANUS" INSANE ASYLUM. (If you missed last week's, check them out at wapo.st/invite1392.) The contest also asked for descriptions of those businesses, and among the 1,500 entries were dozens of ingenious anagrams, some sent by several people, whose descriptions didn't quite do them justice. So let's see what the Loser Crowd Mind can come up with. This week: Describe any of the anagram businesses listed at the bottom of this page, or offer its slogan. AD Submit up to 25 entries total at wapo.st/enter-invite-1393 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, July 27; results will appear Aug. 16 in print, Aug. 13 online. How to format your entries so that the Empress will be filled with love for you: Please start each entry with the anagram as it's spelled below (not with a number or some little dingbat), followed by your description on the same line. That way the E can sort all the Cruelty Cutlery jokes from the Happiest Epitaphs. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two packaged bottles of Flower of Story eau de toilette spray. From what we gather from Google the Omniscient, Flower of Story (presumably a translation bungle from the Chinese elsewhere on the box) comes in various fragrances such as Happy Flowers and Sea Breeze. This one is Flying Pig. We didn't open it, so you'll have to let us know what it smells like after you "win" it. Donated by Loser Barbara Turner. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Snark Tanka" is by Tom Witte; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday. The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1393. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Snark tanka: Poems on the news from Week 1389 Week 1389 was our fourth contest for the form we call TankaWanka, our spin on the venerable Japanese tanka: five lines, 5-7-5-7-7 syllables, but also two lines have to rhyme and it has to be about something in the news. AD ADVERTISING Holy moly! So many of the entries were screedy: so bitter or despairing that their wit or humor was left panting on the floor. Here are the more robust ones. Loser Sam Mertens even wrote a TankaWanka about the struggle; though it's not exactly "about the news," I'm giving it ink anyway, near the end of today's results. 4th place: Baltimore ex-mayor Pugh imprisoned after selling her self-published children's books to nonprofits Failure to disclose — Off to Aliceville she goes. Healthy Holly's through. Pressing jumpsuits, one by one, She'll learn "Exercise is Fun." (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) 3rd place: The public weighs in at the Palm Beach County Commissioners' meeting Masks are "Devil's law"! Antifa! Sex slave! Bondage! Claims I find puzzling. Still let's find a compromise: Instead of masks, have muzzling. (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) 2nd place and the Poo-Dough 'craft' set: Rep. Nunes loses legal battle over 'Devin Nunes' Cow' Twitter account Lies! Defamation! Social media spreading cruel, false parodies. Devin Nunes wants to sue; The defendant answers, "Moo." (Hannah Seidel Alexandria, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Bolton's book claims Trump applauded Xi's roundup of Uighurs Dear President Xi, Those "camps" that you are building? They make sense to me! To unify your nation Will take great concentration. — D.J.T. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) HunkaJunka: Honorable mentions Disappointing turnout at Trump's Tulsa rally They promised large crowds! Tulsa would burst at the seams! . . . Sixty-two hundred? That number is shambolic, Passed now by Trump's systolic. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) AD Poor Tulsa turnout Embarrassing and hurtful To the president Surely MSNBC Will show only empathy (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Her name is Karen. She'll speak to your manager, and you'll be sorry that you didn't know how to say "please" to her cockapoo. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) Trump waves a Bible in front of St. John's Church after protesters were forced out of area Mr. President, Will you lead a reading from Two Corinthians? Or is that book just a prop For your thuggish photo op? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Chuck E. Cheese parent company files for bankruptcy The covid virus and all of its microbe friends face a harder road: Chuck E. Cheese has helped a lot, Bankrupt: Kids will share less snot. (Hannah Seidel) Trump threatens CNN because it reported unfavorable poll results Biden up 14? "Retract your poll, CNN, Or I'm gonna sue!" He can't distinguish polling From his fave pastime, trolling. (Duncan Stevens) AD That black lives matter Just seems so intuitive. Treat us all the same When you make your traffic stops . . . Oops "" nobody told the cops. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Books about racism fill bestseller lists It's become trendy To read Ibram X. Kendi. Book clubs are meeting, "Anti-racist" drums beating — But will the sound be fleeting? (Mark Raffman) In these [word here] times . . . "Unusual," "difficult," "Challenging," "crazy," "Extraordinary," "tough" . . . Adjectives? I've had enough. (Mark Raffman) I aim for humor About things in today's news But time after time I write a screed or lament — There's too much bad stuff; I'm spent. (Sam Mertens) Online symptom checkers are often inaccurate, study says I list my symptoms: Incessant head-scratching and Feverish typing. The online diagnosis: "Needs ink — in larger doses." (George Thompson) AD Still running — deadline Monday night, July 20: Our contest for captions of Bob Staake cartoons. See wapo.st/invite1392. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. The non-inking anagram businesses to use in Week 1393: Am Aghast MAGA Hats Anal Gas Lasagna Asset Decline Delicatessen Atrophied Aphrodite Auctioned Education "Be Sharp, Bro" Barbershop Blaring Lard Bar and Grill "Can't Act on Us" Accountants Cheapo Arty Apothecary Credit Naggers Greeting Cards Crooner Coroner Cruelty Cutlery Danger Garden Dead-or-Not Deodorant Do-Not-Dare Deodorant Decimal Medical Emu Brains Submarine Evil Stone Novelties Face Cafe Grub Masher Hamburgers Happiest Epitaphs AD Her Foul Amen Funeral Home Hip One iPhone "I Bleed Humor" Home Builder I'm-a-Stud Stadium Ill Strides Distillers Insatiable Banalities Irate Face Cafeteria Larcenist Clarinets Liberal Braille Master Puker Supermarket Monster Mentors My Amusing Gymnasium Nice Chefs Ruin French Cuisine One Ratty Attorney Order Guts Drugstore "Paint Bull Crap for Me" Republican Platform Pedant Term Department Plasmoid Diplomas Pudgier Raccoon Organic Produce Real Idiot Editorial Rich Mattresses Christmas Trees "Slime Our Arrogance" Marriage Counselor Smart Shape Hamster Spa Supersonic Percussion Sweaty Anal Tort Attorneys at Law Tartan User Restaurant Tech Lover Chevrolet Thousand Handouts Very Idle Delivery Western Wonk News Network ====================================================================== WEEK 1394, published July 26, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1394: Two movies, one line Write something to fit 2 different films or shows; plus compare/contrast winners Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 23, 2020 at 9:40 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the compare/contrast winners) A line that could be used in both "Dirty Dancing" and "Three Men and a Baby": "Baby's over there in the corner, guys. One of you should pick her up." How you could describe both "King Kong" and "Sleepless in Seattle": He's at the top of the Empire State Building with the woman he loves. Will they leave together, or will he get shot down? A line that could be in both "Sex and the City" and "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood": "Hold on a second — these shoes are killing me!" This novel contest was suggested by Loser Hildy Zampella, one of the great names of The Style Invitational, not only because of her 150 blots of Invite ink but because of her actual great name, which is up there with such Real-Named Losers of History as Elwood Fitzner, Dixon Wragg, Mike Thring and Chuck Smith. This week: Cite a real or coined line, or give a description, that could work for two different movies, plays or TV shows, as in Hildy's awfully good examples above. Don't let a mask cover up your pretty smile. This week's second prize. Don't let a mask cover up your pretty smile. This week's second prize. AD Submit up to 25 entries total at wapo.st/enter-invite-1394 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 3; results will appear Aug. 23 in print, Aug. 20 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this fetching grimacing face mask, the first of four in a set that the Empress ordered because, well, we need funny face masks, do we not? Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Crack a Simile" is by Bill Dorner; Bill as well as Jon Gearhart submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late afternoon on Thursday, July 23, discusses the new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1394. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Crack a simile: The compare/contrast winners of Week 1390 Week 1390 was the latest of our dozens of contests in which the Empress offers a list of random items — this time generated in a brainstorm in the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group — and the Losers have to say how any two are alike, different or otherwise linked. 4th place: An extra-long nasal swab is like John Bolton's ego: Each is definitely irritating, but we can tolerate it if it helps defeat a deadly menace. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) 3rd place: The difference between a Confederate statue and sourdough starter: Everyone will smile when you announce that the starter will rise again. (John Doherty, Great Mills, Md.) 2nd place and the prank no-tear toilet paper: How a Zoom wedding is like a seat at the Tulsa rally: In both cases, the best man is somewhere else. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Trump's tie rack: Red neckwear. A skull-motif face mask: Redneck wear. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Pairing down: Honorable mentions The difference between the Lincoln Memorial and an Angry Goldfish is that the Lincoln Memorial doesn't look like a tiny version of the U.S. president. (Dave Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.) AD A Confederate statue and the last roll of toilet paper: The toilet paper is worth fighting for. (Francis Canavan, Reston, Va.) A trikini and FedEx Field: By the time November rolls around, the season's over for both of them. (Spencer Lu, Gaithersburg, Md.) A seat at the Tulsa rally: Masks optional. A Zoom wedding: Pants optional. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A Confederate statue is like Trump's tie rack: Both will likely be moving soon. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) The Lincoln Memorial and a Confederate statue: See, very fine people on both sides! — D.T. (Jeff Strong, Fairfax, Va.) A DIY haircut and an empty seat at the Tulsa rally: Both are said to be the work of hackers. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) A DIY haircut and FedEx Field: Both usually feature unevenly matched sides. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) AD An extra-long nasal swab and a seat at the Tulsa rally: Both are great for collecting covid samples. (Duncan Stevens; Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) An extra-long nasal swab vs. a seat at the Tulsa rally: The nasal swab could end up in the vicinity of a human brain. (James Kruger, New York; Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) The Lincoln Memorial includes the words "with charity for all" — which is what the home team's defense usually shows at FedEx Field. (Duncan Stevens) John Bolton's ego vs. the Lincoln Memorial: Marble heads don't swell. (Frank Mann, Washington) The Lincoln Memorial vs. FedEx Field: FedEx Field last had four scores seven years ago. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Murder hornets and the last roll of toilet paper: One can induce mass fear and panic; the other is a type of invasive Asian insect. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn. Va.) AD Murder hornets: We'll fail with a weak-kneed response. Sourdough starter: You'll fail with a weak-knead response. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) The difference between a CBD pet treat and FedEx Field: Train Rex with one; train wrecks at the other. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A Zoom wedding vs. Trump's tie rack: I look at one and think, "Tie that knot!" I look at the other and think, "Not that tie!" (Neal Starkman, Seattle) The difference between Trump's tie rack and Finland is that Trump knows where his tie rack is. (Bill Cromwell, Keswick, Va.) The last roll of toilet paper and an extra-long nasal swab: Neither will be the next title in the "Harry Potter and . . ." series. (John Glenn, Tyler Tex.) A CBD pet treat and a slippery slope. A CBD pet treat is a slippery slope. Tomorrow your cat could be doing lines off the fish tank. (Sam Aaron, Chicago) AD Murder hornets and a used firecracker are both deadly, and both originated from CHINA . . . although one could be a hoax perpetrated by the Democrats to stop my reelection. Mike Pence will lead a task force to study this. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) A Zoom wedding vs. a Confederate statue: There will be tippling at the first, toppling at the second. (Kevin Dopart) The last roll of toilet paper: Precious on-the-pot product. A CBD pet treat: Precious on the pot product. (Jesse Frankovich) The last roll of toilet paper: RUSH TO A DRUGSTORE! Sourdough starter: It's an anagram of that. (Jesse Frankovich) A used firecracker results from frightful bangs; a DIY haircut results IN frightful bangs. (Jesse Frankovich) A DIY haircut: Took me an hour last Sunday. 2,300 Style Invitational entries: Took Jesse Frankovich an hour last Sunday. (Steve Smith) AD The Lincoln Memorial and 2,300 Style Invitational entries: One is made of Doric columns; the other will make a dorky column. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) A trikini: A pool fashion. 2,300 Style Invitational entries: A fool's passion. (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) 2,300 Style Invitational entries give you 20 percent more wipes than the last roll of toilet paper. (John Kustka, Prince Frederick, Md.) An extra-long nasal swab is made for a stupendous schnoz, but 2,300 Style Invitational entries make for a stupendous snooze. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Murder hornets overrun a bee's nest: 2,300 Style Invitational entries overrun the E's nest. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Finland: Its best could be Nokia. 2,300 Style Invitational entries: even the best could be jokier. (Kevin Dopart) Still running — deadline Monday night, July 27: better descriptions for anagram businesses. See wapo.st/invite1393. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1395, published August 2, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1395: Always room for one more The 11th Commandment, Four Horsemen Plus One, etc.; plus no-C,O,V,I,D neologisms Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 30, 2020 at 9:41 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to this week's winning neologisms) The Ten Commandments Plus One: 11. Thou shalt mask thy pestilent piehole. (Art Grinath) The Seven Dwarves Plus One: Handsy, who sings, "Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to HR I go." (Art Grinath) "Thirteen Angry Men": The jurors' anger erupts into gunfire when Yosemite Sam cain't stand no more infernal yammerin'. (Judith Cottrill, Week 651) This week's contest was suggested by Loser Since Week 106 Art Grinath, who earns his 400th blot of Style Invitational ink with his idea. This week: Add a "plus one" to some familiar numerical grouping, true or fictional, as in the examples above. You might also add a description or "quote" illustrating the effect of that new element; for example, if you had the Four Stooges, you might have some dialogue among Moe, Larry, Curly and, say, Bill Barr. A star is worn: Loser spouse Nancy Kupiec models this week's second prize. A star is worn: Loser spouse Nancy Kupiec models this week's second prize. (John Kupiec) AD This contest overlaps a bit with one we did in 2006: Week 651 asked readers to add a character to a book or movie and describe the resultant plot. But this week's encompasses any grouping known by a number. Submit up to 25 entries total at wapo.st/enter-invite-1395 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 10; results will appear Aug. 30 in print, Aug. 27 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives something we thought we'd be giving out in April, the ostensible start of baseball season — or around July 4, when the Washington Nationals would have been hosting the Houston Astros: It's a "Houston Asterisks" T-shirt, in dishonor of the team that, it turns out, owed its 2017 postseason success — culminating in a World Series win — to an elaborate cheating scheme. Alas, this summer the Nats won't even be playing the Astros, but we'd better not wait any longer to announce this prize; at least, as of this week, there's still some season. Donated by Loser John Kupiec, who a few years ago also gave us some Atlanta "Barves" barf bags, for when their fans do that horrible Tomahawk Chop. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "COVoIDance" is by Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late afternoon Thursday, July 30, discusses this week's new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1395. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . COVoIDance: No c-o-v-i-d neologisms from Week 1391 In Week 1391 we asked you to come up with new terms that did not include the letters C, O, V, I and D. But we didn't ask you to stay away from the topic. 4th place: Fleeway: Your escape route if someone threatens to violate your six-foot perimeter. "I hope there's no traffic, because when that dog walker comes down the sidewalk, my fleeway is the middle of the street." (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) 3rd place: PeeTee: To resort to a paper towel when all the toilet paper is gone. It's pretty peeteeful. (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) 2nd place and the prank box for an "earwax candle kit": AD Elephantasy: Mainstream Republicans' prediction that the president will start governing responsibly any day now. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Harangutan: A large orange creature that spends all day bellowing at rivals in the other branches. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Jested negative: Honorable mentions Barrbell: Something Trump has in the palm of his hand that helps him flex his muscle. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) F-fluent: What a lot of tots have become after learning new vocabulary at home from their stressed-out parents. (Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.) Barrf: The gAG reflex. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) BSAT: Required exam for all aspiring press secretaries. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Esperate: Clinging to your job. "'Donald Trump is our greatest president ever,' said the defense secretary esperately." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) AD Gaffyette Square: Historic site renamed in honor of Trump's photo op debacle. (Bob Kruger) Heretage: The belief that something belongs there because it's there. "Sure, General Sassafras was a enslaver who killed thousands of U.S. troops, but his statue's been up there at the courthouse since 1965." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Jeezburger: "It has cheddar, bacon, ranch dressing AND onion rings?" (Jesse Frankovich) True as Trump: A 21st-century idiom for "blatant lie." (Liz Siegenthaler Rubin, Annapolis, Md., a First Offender) Ans-were: An out-of-date factoid. "The most home runs ever? That'd have to be Hank Aaron, given that this trivia game is from 1982." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Babble Belt: The route of Trump's rally tour. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Buyway: The $32 HOT lane. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) AD Emaskulate: To diminish someone's manhood by asking him not to infect his neighbors. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Emplayee: Someone "working" from home who just happens to have League of Legends up in another window. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Eureeka: "I found the source of that foul smell — it's Kyle!" (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Green Beats Spleen: After years of protests fail to get Dan Snyder to change his team's name from a racial slur, FedEx's money puts it there overnight! (Ward Foeller, Charlottesville, Va., a First Offender) Halvenue: A street whose name suddenly changes in the middle of town. "Huh? I thought I was on . . . ohh, Waze didn't note that this is a halvenue." (Jon Gearhart) Kneel estate: An NFL sideline. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) Laggage: Your suitcases that finally show up on the last day of your overseas vacation. (Kate Sammons, Ashburn, Va.) AD Laughtear: A reaction when you don't know whether to guffaw or weep. "He said, 'Nobody ever thought this could have happened'? Oh, my." (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) Memwar: A campaign to suppress your niece's book. (Jonathan Jensen) Pantsy: Overdressed for your Zoom meeting. (Sam Mertens) Purgery: Wielding the scalpel on troublesome people. "I fired that inspector general because he was incompetent, that's why." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Quarantan: Bronze skin around the eyes and a ghostly pallor around the nose and mouth. (Ben Aronin, Washington) Quaranteam: The concept that we are all in this together — an idea that was thoroughly debunked in March. (Frank Osen) Queueueueueueue: The line to vote in this year's primary. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) Red Membranes: How about this for the team's new name? (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) AD Shampee: That blue liquid they use in diaper commercials. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Va.) Shun Belt: Southern states that are best avoided right now. (Duncan Stevens) Take a née: Protest the patriarchal biases in marriage by not changing one's name. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Test-ease: Some people have, and some people buy. "Donald had SAT performance issues until he learned he could pay for some test-ease." (Steve Smith) Thy-slapper: "A Mennonite walks into a bar . . . " (Chris Doyle) Harbage: All the Invite entries that aren't here today. (Eric Nelkin) And Last: Covidiot: Yes, I used every single letter I have been told not to, AS IS MY RIGHT! FREEDOM! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 3: Our contest for a line that would work in either of two movies. See wapo.st/invite1394. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1396, published August 9, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1396: Hail to Limerixicon XVII! Write a limerick featuring a word beginning with 'ha-.' Plus cartoon caption winners. Image without a caption By Pat Myers August 6, 2020 at 9:38 a.m. EDT Add to list(Click here to skip down to this week's winning cartoon captions) Law enforcement was wrong to endorse Making SWAT teams a matter of course In the war against drugs, Since police become thugs When they make it a HABIT of force. (Chris Doyle, Week 1084) When we last dropped in on limerick-meister Chris Strolin, just about a year ago, his quest to create a full dictionary with every word described in limerick form had reached the gr- words. The Style Invitational has been abetting Chris's mission once a year since the infancy of OEDILF.com in 2004, with a contest for limericks that featured words from some sliver of the dictionary. (Current estimate for completion: Nov. 3, 2063.) Now we're up to "¦ This week: Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any English word, name or term beginning with "ha-," as in the example above — still so timely, alas — from 2014, a contest for limericks featuring fo- words. AD Please see our guide "Get Your 'Rick Rolling" at wapo.st/limericks1396 for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell: "perfect" rhyme, and a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm in Lines 1, 2 and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; additional unaccented syllables on either side are fine). See OEDILF.com about submitting limericks there, if you like, after this contest is over. Submit up to 25 entries total at wapo.st/enter-invite-1396 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 17; results will appear Sept. 6 in print, Sept. 3 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, apropos of this contest, a useful spritz bottle of Poo-Pourri bathroom spray, which includes a remarkably fine limerick on the bottle: AD "There once was a young lad from Rhone/ Whose odor he'd rather disown./ Now he's taming his poo/ By anointing the loo/ And now happily sits on his throne." Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Smirks of Art" is by Chris Doyle. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. [Beverley Sharp wrote the heading "The last picture show" for the Honorable Mentions, which appears in the print version only.] The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, Aug. 6, discusses the new contest and results at wapo.st/conv1396. This week she'll share various captions that note details of the cartoons that you might not have noticed. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Smirks of art: Inking captions for Bob Staake cartoons In Week 1392 the Empress sought captions for four more Bob Staake creations. We shoot for ambiguity, and so we're happy that the cylinder in Picture D was seen as a can (too many people to credit labeled it "canned laughter"), TP and an electronic assistant, among other things. See this week's Style Conversational column (published late afternoon on Thursday, Aug. 6) for entries that focus on little details. Image without a caption (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) Fourth place: "I'd like to spit all over everything on this table and then have you touch it, please." (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) "Are those antennae? You aliens are harder to spot with the face coverings these days." (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) "Will there be anyone else exposed to madam's droplets for lunch today?" (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) AD "Is the soup du jour made with fresh or dried jour?" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) "Frankly, I liked it better when I could see you smirking." (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) "Tonight, TMZ finds Jiminy Cricket, his fortune squandered, waiting tables in Boca." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) "Me 'N' U?" I'm flattered, but I don't even know your name." (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Unfortunately, the waiter did not understand the Ellipsis language. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) Image without a caption (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) Second place and the "durian aroma paste": To save time, Sid pointed out the manager as soon as Karen approached his counter. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) "Toss me a chicken! I have to get to the Cottonelle before it sells out!" (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) Brian immediately recognized the non-gravity of the situation and just pointed the way. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) AD Instead of wearing a mask, Ethel would do her grocery shopping in one breath. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) "Quick — where can I find your arm reattachment supplies?" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.; Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) "Help! I need a fortune in ingredients I've never heard of to make a pretentious recipe to serve a bunch of people I don't even like." (Bill Bouyer, Ocoee, Fla.) Ethel was hellbent on winning Piggly Wiggly's inaugural NASCART race. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) "Look out, you're about to be stung by a giant B!" (Jeff Contompasis) Image without a caption (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) Third place: Harold thought a pipe would make him look distinguished. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) "You said you wanted to try 'peeking duct,' didn't you?" (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) "What a cool periscope — your nose hairs look like icy pine needles!" (Nancy Della Rovere) AD Conversations with M.C. Escher rarely lasted long. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "Wow! I bet you had a really hard time finding a mask that would fit." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Harold and Martha no longer see eye to eye, but Harold is at least trying. (Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.) "Help! This Acrobatic American man is threatening my life!" (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) Image without a caption (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) The winner of the Lose Cannon: "First, you're with Trump in Puerto Rico, then you're placed on American soldiers — what's next for you, Bounty?" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) "My next guest is starring in a new film based on the work of Andy Warhol." (Frank Mann, Washington) "So, Alexa, what prompted you to write your new tell-all about Siri?" (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) "As agreed to by both candidates, the format for this debate will be canned answers regardless of the question." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) AD "I see that you've removed your label in protest, Garbanzo . . . " (Marni Penning Coleman) "Fresh from her co-starring role in 'Popeye' "¦" (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) "And my next guest, fresh from that famed film festival in the south of France . . . " (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) "Tonight we'll hear a remarkable story of survival from a K-ration who had been hiding on the Marianas since 1945, not knowing the war was over." (Steve Smith) Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 10: our "plus one" contest to add another element to a well-known grouping known by a number. See wapo.st/invite1395. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1397, published August 16, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1397: Trope springs eternal Give us a new idea for any of these standard cartoon situations. Plus anagram fun. Image without a caption(Cartoons by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers August 13, 2020 at 10:01 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning descriptions of "anagram businesses") Much as comics can mine and remine the knock-knock or Yo Mama or "he's so xxx" joke, cartoonists continue to return to a few venerable situations as a sort of homage, and as a challenge to produce something fresh and timely. Take this recent cartoon by David Sipress in the New Yorker: Timeless trope: Parched Man Crawling Through Vast Desert. Sipress: Cyclist, clad in helmet, zooms up right behind him. Caption: "Hey! You're in the bike lane!" The Empress asked Our Own Bob Staake to draw a few of those cartoon trope situations and let the Loser Community offer some new ideas. Bob countered with a better idea, one that lets you create any character within the setting. This week: Use any of these four standard settings — (a) desert island, (b) bartender at a bar, (c) desert, (d) psychiatrist next to a couch — and describe a cartoon that includes your choice of characters, along with a caption. Bob will draw at least one of the winners. AD If you come in second this week, you can vent away. If you come in second this week, you can vent away. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) No, don't write your entry on a copy of the cartoon. Just send us your plain ol' words, please. How to format your entry: Begin with the letter labeling the cartoon, followed by a colon (A:, B:, C:, D:), and then follow it by your idea and caption on the same line. This will ensure that they'll end up in the right group when the E pushes the Magic Sort Button. (You may attach a sketch to show what you're getting at, but you must also describe it with text on the entry form.) Submit up to 25 entries total at wapo.st/enter-invite-1397 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 24; results will appear Sept. 13 in print, Sept. 10 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a squeezy U.S. Capitol dome stress reliever, just in case you might be a teeny weeny bit mad at Congress for failing to deliver lifesaving funds to you. Donated by All Mellow Loser Dave Prevar. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Scrambled Dregs" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column — published late Thursday afternoon — discusses each new contest and set of results. See wapo.st/conv1397. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Scrambled dregs: Anagram fun from Week 1393 In Week 1393 the Empress ran a list of fictional businesses and products whose names were self-anagrams: You rearrange all the letters of the first half of the name to make the second half, such as ANAL GAS . . . LASAGNA. All these names were entries in our Week 1388 contest but didn't get ink because their descriptions or slogans didn't quite live up to the names. So instead, we offered them up to the Loser Community for another shot. Some of the entries are also self-anagrams; they're in all-caps. 4th place: REAL IDIOT EDITORIAL: Always wrong, but never in doubt. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) 3rd place: LIBERAL BRAILLE: All our books must express consent before you can touch them. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) 2nd place and the Flying Pig eau de toilette spray: 'PAINT BULL CRAP FOR ME' REPUBLICAN PLATFORM: MONEYED INTERESTS, SNEERED TESTIMONY. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: CRUELTY CUTLERY: Be sure to check out our knives in the back. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) LOSERS WHO SENT WORTHLESS ONES: Honorable mentions CAN'T ACT ON US ACCOUNTANTS: We always cover our assets. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) AD — We're H & R Blockheads: Our motto: No Convictions. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) ANAL GAS LASAGNA: It smells just as good coming out as it does going in! (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) — Just the way Your Mama made it! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) ASSET DECLINE DELICATESSEN: We're not even chopped liver. (Maja Keech, Bowie, Md.) — We know how to make a po' boy. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) — We're so desperate, we'll serve YOU. (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) — Stop at our dessert counter, ASPERITIES PATISSERIE. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) ATROPHIED APHRODITE: Cosmetics for that "come-wither" look. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) CREDIT NAGGERS GREETING CARDS We're Thinking of You Always. That's always. Talk to you tomorrow!" (Mark Raffman, Reston) — "About those presents under the tree . . . " (Edward Gordon, Austin) AD CROONER CORONER: (sung to "My Way") And now, the end is here, this dude has faced the final curtain. We've done our probe — it's clear, though some will find it disconcertin' — These burn marks are the key; they show us how this guy got dusted: He just spontaneously ... up and combusted. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) DEAD-OR-NOT DEODORANT: Stay cool and confident, even at your own funeral! (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) — You'll smell so good, you'll be wanted either way! (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md,) — They'll keep their social distance when you wear our scents: Gym Fresh, Wet Dog, and our newest, Week-Old Unwashed Mask. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) EMU BRAINS SUBMARINE: "¦ Or you could just get the cheesesteak. (Jon Ketzner) EVIL STONE NOVELTIES: Formerly Roger's Bag of Dirty Tricks political consulting shop. (Jerome Uher, Alexandria, Va.) AD GRUB MASHER HAMBURGERS: Every order comes with a side of flies. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring; Jon Gearhart) HAPPIEST EPITAPHS: "This dude's consigned to grave and shroud, But don't act glum, or play the grump! The silver lining in this cloud: No more will he read news of Trump."(Duncan Stevens) I'M-A-STUD STADIUM: Soon to be renamed I'm-A-Reckless-Entitled-Future-Felon Stadium. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) ILL STRIDES DISTILLERS: Makers of Johnnie Wobbler, the hooch that makes you hobble. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) INSATIABLE BANALITIES: When you've had your fill of the extraordinary, come to us for the extra ordinary! (Eric Nelkin) IRATE FACE CAFETERIA: Karen needs to eat, too. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.; Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) LARCENIST CLARINETS: Spinoff store of HE BURGLES HER BUGLES. (Mark Raffman) AD MASTER PUKER SUPERMARKET: All our meat, dairy and produce is restocked every month! (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) MONSTER MENTORS: Our staff of 3-year-olds will teach you future executives how to get your way! (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) MY AMUSING GYMNASIUM: Where A LOSER MUST SOMERSAULT. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) NICE CHEFS RUIN FRENCH CUISINE: Try our McVichyssoise — it's the best cold french fry soup around! (Jeff Bryant, Hagerstown, Md., a First Offender) — Mais non, not us! We are openly hostile and condescending! (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) ONE RATTY ATTORNEY: You won't find a Barr any lower. (Scott Straub, Winchester, Va.) PEDANT TERM DEPARTMENT: Er, technically, that should be "Pedantic." (Gary Crockett; Jon Gearhart) PUDGIER RACCOON ORGANIC PRODUCE: All prewashed (and some pre-tasted) by our mask-wearing staff! (Marilyn Pifer, Morgan Hill, Calif.) AD REAL IDIOT EDITORIAL: If you like this, you'll love our DOPE OP-ED page! (Frank Mann, Washington; Frank Osen) SWEATY ANAL TORT ATTORNEYS AT LAW: The best defense is a good offense — and man, are we ever offensive! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) — Come to us when you're in arrears. (Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.) And last: CRUELTY CUTLERY: What the Empress uses as she cheerily trims the entry list. (Mike Ostapiej, Ravenel, S.C.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 17: Our contest for limericks featuring "ha-" words. See wapo.st/invite1396. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1398, published August 23, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1398: This is the year that is Give us a new metaphor to describe 2020. Plus the 'two movies, one line' winners. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers August 20, 2020 at 10:02 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the "two movies, one line" winners) If your dog saw 2020 on the ground, he'd roll in it. If 2020 were mail, it'd be for a low-low-teaser-rate credit card (36 percent rate thereafter in the 2-point type). If 2020 were a form of leisure, it'd be an earwax clean-out session. We just heard: There are now fire tornadoes. Just as "he could not possibly stoop any lower" could have been on a computer save-key of many a political columnist for the last four years, the year 2020 just keeps on outdoing itself with all sorts of novel reasons for despair, fear and universal hand-wringing. How the Empress manages to smile. The mask is this week's 2nd prize. How the Empress manages to smile. The mask is this week's 2nd prize. (Mark Holt) But Lemonade-From-Lemons Loser Duncan Stevens suggests a way to at least get some silly swag off the annus superextraultrahorribilis: This week: Describe the year 2020 in a novel, colorful metaphor or simile, as in Duncan's examples above. You may also offer an original graphic, but the photo or artwork can't be lifted from someone else, and it can't be amateurish-looking; the Empress would have room for two at the most. There's already a fair amount of creative 2020-bashing out there, so check out your own idea to see if it's already spreading like you-know-what across the Internet. AD Submit up to 25 entries total at wapo.st/enter-invite-1398 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 31; results will appear Sept. 20 in print, Sept. 17 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this dignified face mask, just the thing for your next court hearing or funeral; it's modeled (with barriers) by the Empress, in an echo of her own gaptoothed smile. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Doubled Features" was submitted separately by Jon Gearhart and Kevin Dopart; Kevin also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's — published late afternoon on Thursday, Aug. 20 — at wapo.st/conv1398. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Doubled features: The 2-for-1 movie lines from Week 1394 In Week 1394, the Empress asked the Loser Community to sum up two different movies or TV shows with the same line (old or new), or offer a line of dialogue that would work in both. And see this week's Style Conversational column, published late Thursday, Aug. 20, for some equally funny entries that were submitted by too many people. 4th place: The West Wing and The Beverly Hillbillies: Jed is living in the big, fancy house now, and a lot of folks up the hill aren't at all pleased. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) 3rd place: It's from South Pacific but it would also work in There's Something About Mary: "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) 2nd place and the grimacing face mask: A line from Casablanca that could be from 1984: "Here's lookin' at you, kid." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: It would fit both Sex, Lies, and Videotape and Charly: "PERSON WOMAN MAN CAMERA TV" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Two thumbs down: Honorable mentions Das Boot and Judy: "She's finally hit bottom! Let's pump her out and see if she gets going again." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AD Apollo 13 and The Alamo: "Houston, we have a problem." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.; Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) The Irishman and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Unexpected developments challenge an aging bagman. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) On the Waterfront and The Invisible Man: "I could have been some body." (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn., a First Offender) Noah and My Fair Lady: A report on rainfall causes great excitement. (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) This Old House and Dexter: "You'll want to put down plenty of plastic sheeting so it'll be easy to clean up later. Now take your power saw . . . " (Josh Feldblyum, Springfield, Pa.) "Look at that beautiful powder — it's everywhere!" would work for both White Christmas and The Wolf of Wall Street. (Bruce Reynolds, Grand Rapids, Mich.) AD "We've been digging up dirt all day, but tomorrow . . . we get to dig up more dirt!" Holes and All the President's Men. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) A line from "Pinocchio" that could be in both Roxanne and The American President: "A lie keeps growing and growing until it's as clear as the nose on your face." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) A Harry Potter movie or When Harry Met Sally: "Trust me, Harry, wands aren't magical all the time. Sometimes you just have to fake it." (Hildy Zampella) Barbershop and Gypsy: "How about takin' a little more off the top?" (Lynne Larkin, Glenn Dale, Md.) Dennis the Menace and Cast Away: "Hey, Mr. Wilson, where are you going? Come back and play with me!" (Susan Swanda, Crofton, Md., a First Offender) Babe and Deliverance: "That'll do, pig." (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Frank Osen) AD "Yesterday was plain awful, but just you wait": Hamilton and Annie. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) "Let's go to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe": Mister Rogers' Neighborhood and HGTV's Beachfront Bargain Hunt. (Jennifer Martin Broadway, Marquette, Mich.) Treasure of the Sierra Madre and an upcoming Portlandia: "We don't need no stinking badges!" (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.; Frank Osen; Mark Raffman) Frozen and Blazing Saddles: "Did someone say, 'Let it go'?" (Michelle Christophorou, Guildford, Surrey, England) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Last Tango in Paris: "If all he does is butter you up, get rid of him." (Chris Doyle) Babette's Feast and Basic Instinct: "My, that is indeed a lovely spread." (Mark Raffman) Pee-wee's Big Adventure and E.T.: "Shh! I'm trying to use the phone!" (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) AD "I'll think about it tomorrow": Gone With the Wind and An Inconvenient Truth. (Lori Smith, McLean, Va., a First Offender) The Blob and There's Something About Mary: A little gel goes a long way. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) This Old House and Saw: "Y'know, this one has really good bones." (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) The Longest Day and Marathon Man: Yanks are coming. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) "You never really understand a person until you . . . climb inside of his skin and walk around in it": To Kill a Mockingbird and Invasion of the Body Snatchers (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) The Guns of Navarone and Boogie Nights: "How many of us will we need to take it out?" (Wayne Debban, Woodbridge, Va., a First Offender) The Princess Bride and RBG: "Oh, no! Here comes the Dread Pirate Roberts!" (Duncan Stevens) AD Forrest Gump and The Help: "Sometimes life is like a chocolate pie. You better know what you're gonna get." (Kevin Dopart) Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 24: Our contest for ideas for man-in-desert cartoons and other tropes. See wapo.st/invite1397. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1399, published August 30, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1399: The lie-zy days of summer Tell us fake trivia about summer or summer events. Plus inking 'plus-ones.' Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers August 27, 2020 at 10:09 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning "plus-one" jokes) "— On Aug. 24, 1969, the footage of the first moon landing was filmed in a Hollywood studio, but only because Buzz Aldrin had forgotten to remove the lens cap during the real event one month earlier. (Jason Russo) "— Synchronized swimmers are typically fitted with plastic mouth inserts to ensure that their smiles match. (Robert Schechter) "— Early in their history, the Yankees were frequent losers to their archrivals, the Yankers. (Steve McClemons) It's the third stop in our tour of false facts about the four seasons. This week: Tell us some bogus trivia about the summer or things that happen or have happened in the summer, like the examples above from earlier Style Invitational fictoid contests about history and sports. Wow! Electricity! This week's second prize. Wow! Electricity! This week's second prize. Submit up to 25 entries total at wapo.st/enter-invite-1399 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 7, in honor of the Unofficial Last Day of Summer; results will appear Sept. 27 in print, Sept. 24 online — which, yes, is after the Official Last Day of Summer. So we forgot. AD Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives what could charitably be called "retro" and less charitably "srsly?": It's a gadget called Steve Spangler's Energy Stick, which is a glass tube with some wires and light filaments inside. It's marketed as a science toy because when you hold both ends of the tube, you "turn your body into a human conductor of electricity" with the electrons in your skin, thereby producing flashing lights and annoying noises. This is guaranteed to delight your junior biophysicist for multiple nanoseconds. Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Jest One More" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Beverley Sharp; Terri Berg Smith and Kevin Dopart both came up with the honorable-mentions subhead. Having contests for seasonal fictoids was suggested by Jeff Contompasis. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. Next week — more horses! To coincide with the Finally Gonna Happen 2020 Kentucky Derby on Sept. 5, we'll be doing our venerable racehorse name "breeding" contest, using 100 of the names of this year's Triple Crown nominees. Back in May we did the contest using the names of past winners, but now we'll be back with the real thing. AD The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late afternoon Thursday, Aug. 27, at wapo.st/conv1399. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Jest one more: The 'plus-ones' from Week 1395 In Week 1395 we asked you to add "plus-one" to something known by a number. The most frequently submitted entry was something like 45 presidents plus 1: Yes, please! 4th place: The Sound of Two Hands Clapping: What begins the audio version of "Koans for Dummies." (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) 3rd place: The Feeding of the 5,001: If Jesus had known how greedy that last guy was going to be, he'd have sent Peter out for another fish. (Michelle Christophorou, Guilford, Surrey, England) 2nd place and the "Houston Asterisks" T-shirt: Four and Twenty Blackbirds Plus One: Once upon a midnight, baking pastries for the king's partaking, Slicing ouzels, merls and crows, I saw I'd gotten to a score— Diced four grackles, kept on working, when I spied a blackbird lurking, Eyeing me and blithely smirking, high above my kitchen door. "Does this pie have room," I asked him, "for another of your corps?" Quoth the Raven, "Not one more." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: 50 First Dates Plus 1: "C'mon, Mom, I don't need you to chaperone anymore!" (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Limited additions: Honorable mentions The 1-percenters plus 1 percent: "There goes the neighborhood!" (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) AD 10 Things I Hate About You plus 1: And you never appreciate all the lists I make! How can you live so disorganized? (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall: Prequel to the musical saga. (Ben Aronin, Washington) 1984 + 1: The year 19841, when we finally emerge from the current dystopia. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) 20,001 Leagues Under the Sea: The short sequel in which Captain Nemo finds the precise crush depth of the Nautilus. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) The 50 states plus 1: [This entry blocked by the Republican Party] (Adam Nubbe, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) 51 Ways to Leave Your Lover: Say you've got the virus, Cyrus. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) 51 Ways to Leave Your Lover: Call out his vanity, Hannity! (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) 525,601 minutes: How you measure a year when your clock runs .0005 percent fast. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) AD 61 Minutes: Given the age of the show's reporters, well, they just need a little more time. (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.) Around the World in 81 Days: An inattentive Phileas Fogg trips on the international date line. (John McCooey) The Big Ten Plus One: And you're still three short of the actual number of teams. (Adam Nubbe; Bill Lieberman) Eight Days a Week Plus One: How long every week seems to be these days. (Jesse Aronson, Arlington, Va.) The Five Corners: Colorado, Utah, Arizona, New Mexico and the 4th Congressional District of North Carolina. (Zachary Levine, Rockville, Md.) Four little words: "I love you, tonight." (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) One Thousand and Two Nights: The king wants to hear Tale No. 432 again. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Pentathlon plus one: The drug test. (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) AD Seven Brides for Eight Brothers: Sometimes you end up as the fifteenth wheel. (Hannah Seidel) Seven Habits of Highly Successful People Plus One: 8. Be born to really rich parents. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Six Easy Pieces: The president aces a jigsaw puzzle test. (Mike Mason, Centreville, Va.) The Eighth Seal: Elmer's. (Maja Keech, Bowie, Md.; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) The Four Questions Plus One: Why aren't they called the Four Answers? (Rob Cohen) The Four Tops plus a pair of sweatpants is all you need for your lockdown wardrobe. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonia) The Seven Articles of the U.S. Constitution Plus One: "I'm told that Article 8 is written on the back of the Constitution in invisible ink, and gives me unilateral authority to postpone the election." (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) AD The Seven Deadly Sins plus 1: Pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth, and not noticing the green left-turn arrow until it's almost over. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) The Eight Deadly Sins: The eighth is pedantry. Actually, however, it should really remain at seven because greed and gluttony are basically the same. (Roy Ashley, Washington) The Thirteen Days of Christmas: When you try to return a bunch of lords-a-leaping without a gift receipt. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) The Three Fates Plus One: The first sister spins the thread of life, the second sister measures it, the third cuts it, and the fourth turns you into a yo-yo. (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) The whole 10 yards: Something the Washington Football Team hopes to achieve one day. (Luke Baker, Columbia, Md.) AD The Sinister Six Plus One: Spider-Man's nemeses — Dr. Octopus, Electro, Kraven, Mysterio, Sandman and Vulture — pale before ORKIN GUY. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Three's a crowd plus one: The biggest crowd ever, period! (George Smith, Frederick, Md.) Two Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Many thought McMurphy was faking it, but no one questioned the admission of Louie Gohmert. (William Lomas, Haymarket, Va., who last got ink in Week 194 — 24 years ago) Your Age Plus One: How old you will be when you really have your act together. (Jennifer Martin Broadway, Marquette, Mich.) Still running — deadline Monday, Aug. 31: our contest for a metaphor or meme to describe 2020. See wapo.st/invite1398. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1400, published September 6, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1400: Back on track It's finally Derby weekend, and we have our classic contest. Plus winning limericks. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers September 3, 2020 at 9:58 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to this week's winning "ha-" limericks.) "—Breed Poe with Screech and name the foal Raven Maniac "—Gimme Some Mo x Finite = OK, Guess I'm Good "— Informative x Thousand Words = tl; dr Like almost everything else this year, The Style Invitational's most popular contest faced a what-now? moment this past spring: The Kentucky Derby was rescheduled, tentatively, for Sept. 5. The Empress, not renowned for her Annie-like optimism, decided we'd better do something now than have nothing later: Instead of "breeding" the names of this year's Triple Crown nominees, the Losers worked with the names of previous Derby winners. Racehorse not included: This week's second prize. Racehorse not included: This week's second prize. But now: We have Actual Derby! So what the heck, let's do it again with the current crop: This week: Below is a list of 100 of the horses nominated for the 2020 Triple Crown races — including the 18 scheduled to run in this weekend's Kentucky Derby. "Breed" any two of the names and name the "foal" to humorously reflect the parents' names, as in the examples above. AD As in actual thoroughbred racing, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but the name should be easy to read. Please note the formatting instructions on this week's entry form. They're very simple but very necessary, so that the E may sort the entries and be sure to see your fabulous work among the thousands of foal names submitted. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1400 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 14; results will appear Oct. 4 in print, Oct. 1 online — the same weekend as the similarly postponed Preakness Stakes. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an official 1983 Kentucky Derby souvenir mint julep glass, donated by Loser Steve Smith. I understand that this is the same glass used to give 1983 winner Sunny's Halo his daily julep, on the rocks. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punder-achiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Wizards of HAs" is by Jon Gearhart; David Peckarsky wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday. BRAND-NEW PODCAST! Check out "You're Invited," all about The Style Invitational! Hear Episode 1, hosted by Loser Mike Gips, at NRARS.org. The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday afternoon, Sept. 3, at wapo.st/conv1400. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ The Wizards of HAs: Inking limericks In Week 1396, our 17th annual Limerixicon contest in conjunction with the all-limerick dictionary OEDILF.com, we sought lims that featured "ha-" words. 4th place: On Twitter, it's rinse and repeat. He shares, but is slow to delete What some bigot has posted, And then he gets roasted For beating a hasty retweet. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 3rd place: Our football club's flailing regime, In hopes that a change might redeem Its poor image, took aim At that godawful name. So this fall we can all yell "Hail team!" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place and the Poo-Pourri toilet spritzer: Will they hack the election? You bet! We know Putin's not quitting his pet. Four more years of submission Is their hoped-for condition. Say the Russians: We aren't done — nyet! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Here's a fact that you simply can't airbrush: Nothing's worse than a hairy old hairbrush — Till the dread morning when (As is feared by most men) You have got to admit it's a bare brush. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Hackery dackery dock: Honorable mentions I got fired from Hallmark. Boss Fred Hated all of my cards that he read. I just couldn't do sappy — Instead, they were snappy, Like: "Eat your damn cake. Now drop dead." (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) AD I love coffee. Each day I drink lots — At least two, maybe three or four pots! But it must be supreme; I will only take cream. Call me one of the half-and-half-nots. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) "A three-weeks-dead whale?" you might ask, "Or a spilled toxic-chemical cask?" The olfactory sin Is produced from within: Halitosis while wearing a mask. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) For your health, just ignore what Trump preaches, Like how beneficial your bleach is. Take no medical cue From the guy with weird hue; Ignore the harangue-a-tan's speeches. (Duncan Stevens; the sobriquet "harangutan" was coined by Jesse Frankovich in Week 1391) A '70s pop duo votes To leave fame behind and raise goats. John's in back, Daryl's lead As they carry the feed — Even now, they are still haulin' oats. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) AD With tempers still running red-hot, Alexander and Aaron are not, Sadly, changing their minds. That's how Hamilton finds He will soon give away his last shot. (Chris Doyle) While his life ebbed away from a duel, And he pondered a fate that was cruel, What did Hamilton think As he lay on the brink? "I wish Burr weren't such a big tuel." (Mark Raffman) On Broadway, no cheering or clappin', No chance to hear Hamilton rappin'. But I won't make a fuss 'Cause I've got Disney Plus — Now the living room's where it will happen. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) The halberd's a weapon of yore, An ax with a spike at the fore. 'Twas not like a mace, Which, too, had its place — The difference was bash versus gore. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) Tom Swifty was known to be dreamy, So Miss West asked him up to get steamy. "I'm happy," she said From the edge of her bed, "That you're hardly excited to see me." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) AD Said Hippocrates, "First do no harm." Were he living, he'd sound this alarm: There's a pillow guy's cure For Corona? Yeah, sure. You buy that, and you might buy the farm. (Chris Doyle) The police can be brutal, we saw, As a video left us in awe. Though we must deter crime, Most agree that it's time To reform the long harm of the law. (Jesse Frankovich) "I will spin." All my nerves became icier; With ten thousand, my choice was much dicier. But I watched it revolve "¦ "Lose a turn." "I will solve!" Seems that "Wheel" is just hangman, but pricier. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn., who won on "Wheel of Fortune" in 2014) The spelling of words such as "half" Is a bane for an editor's stalf. But English is tough If you don't know your stough. So sometimes, you've just gotta lalf. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) AD Said the pigeon: "My greetings are warm, But certainly far from the norm: I just say, 'Hi! Coo!' I've produced something new — A haiku that's in limerick form." (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) The onslaught of Hurricane Papi De-roofed Pharrell's bungalow. Crappy! Yet the house seemed renewed, In a lighthearted mood; Each room of the remnant was happy. (Duncan Stevens) On a hairpin, a vehicle's drift May allow for a turn that is swift. If the torque isn't low, The transmission can blow And result in a pile of shift. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Our mother took in a new mister Who frequently cuddled and kissed her. It wasn't until We were reading her will That we found out we had a half sister. (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) The germ that makes covid-19 Is a virus that's largely unseen. But in eight weeks, I fear Boorish clods will appear Dressed as pathogens for Halloween. (Frank Mann, Washington) AD A rabbi renowned for his noshin' Told students to exercise caution. We avoid by all means Ham 'n' eggs, ham 'n' beans But delight in some nice ham 'n' taschen. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Snotty clerk: "These have nary a blemish: Hand-stitched handkerchiefs, sewn by the Rhemish!" I replied, though, unthwarted, "All mine, too, are imported! See this one in my pocket? It's phlegmish." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) My young daughter said, "Coffee with lime Is useful at hangover time." It's good information — But what consternation: My kid's more drink-savvy than I'm! (Sharon Neeman, Pardes Hannah, Israel) This Brexit approval I'm killing! Whatever it takes, I am willing — Bring back the old system! I'm sure you've all missed 'em: The ha'penny, farthing and shilling. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Though Passover last left us reeling, Next year's will be much more appealing. The '21 Seder Won't reach a new nadir — Let's just say Haggadah good feeling. (Jesse RIfkin) "The back-to-school season's so cute — How I love watching little Sam scoot With his backpack and lunch, And his socks in a bunch, And his state-of-the-art hazmat suit!" (Melissa Balmain) In the Louvre they sustained some bad luck; A suicide bomber had struck. Covered in remnants Of Rubens and Rembrandts, The Venus de Milo said, "Flipping heck! What on earth just happened?" (Bob Turvey, Bristol, England) Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 7: our contest for fake trivia about summer. See wapo.st/invite1399. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. Below: The 2020 Triple Crown nominees (among almost 400) to use as "parents" in Week 1400. See the list in three columns of text here. Amen Corner American Baby Ancient Land Art Collector As Seen on TV Astaire Atone Attachment Rate Authentic Background Beachcombing Believe Now By Your Side Candy Machine Caracaro Censored Cezanne Charlatan Close Shave Convict Cool Runnings Dances With Stars Digital Disc Jockey Double Crown Dr Post Eight Rings Energized Enforceable Established Explosive Fancy Liquor Fantastic Day Farmington Road Fast Enough Finite Finnick the Fierce Fore Left Fort Knox Full Flat Gimme Some Mo Great Power Hail to the Chief High Velocity Hit the Road Honor A.P. Idol Informative Invader Kid Mercury King Guillermo Kowalski Laser Show Life on the Road Major Fed Market Analysis Max Player Modernist Money Moves Mr. Kringle Necker Island No Salt No Shirt No Shoes Ny Traffic Party Town Patrol Pneumatic Poe Positively Awesome Ready to Roll Relentless Dancer Say When Scabbard Screech Semper Fi Shooters Shoot Shoplifted Sole Volante Something Natural South Bend Special Day Spice Is Nice Storm the Court Super John Superfecto Talkin Malice Tap It to Win Telephone Talker The Falcon Thousand Words Tiz the Law Tons of Gold Top Draw Unrighteous Verb Villainous Weekend in Court Well Connected Winning Impression Wrecking Crew Source: Bloodhorse.com ====================================================================== WEEK 1401, published September 13, 2020 Tooning up: Refreshed cartoon tropes from Style Invitational Week 1397 Plus new for Week 1401: 'So "¦' jokes in haiku form By Pat Myers September 10, 2020 at 10:00 a.m. EDT Add to list(Click here to skip down to this week's new contest) In Week 1397 cartoonist Bob Staake drew four of the most cliched settings for magazine cartoons, and we asked the Loser Community to freshen them up. The original cartoons had no one on the island, no one in the desert, and just the bartender and psychiatrist in the other two. Eight people swimming toward little island with one man standing on it: "Trump WON!" (Idea and caption by Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md., winner of the first-place Lose Cannon) Castaway on phone: "Between noon and 5 p.m.? You can't narrow down that window?" (Frank Mann, Washington) Two people on the island. "I think I can hear Kimberly Guilfoyle." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Lone man grabs his head and sobs uncontrollably as a copy of "How to Tango" washes up on the island. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Big mass of football players crowded on the island: "How come the basketball guys got to 'bubble' at Disney World?" (Mike Ostapiej, Ravenel, S.C.) Sign: "Mt. Everest: Elev. 29,029." Trump-like figure, sitting: "It's a hoax!" (Rob Cohen) One bedraggled man on the island, another in a suit. "Hi, I'm Rudy. Got any dirt on Biden?" (Duncan Stevens) Two castaways, one wearing a face mask: "Dang it, Marty! Put your mask on! You trying to kill me?" (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Two sharks recline in lounge chairs, wearing sunglasses and holding daiquiris with umbrellas in them. "Can you believe we ever bought that 'keep swimming or you'll die' crap?" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Dracula tending bar, speaking to masked waiter: "I do temperature checks, of course, but what if they're asymptomatic?" (Idea and caption by Steve Smith, Potomac, Md., third place) Putin sits at the bar. Bartender: "Name your poison." (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla., fourth place) Covid particle sits at the bar. "Man, I've been everywhere today." (Duncan Stevens) Despondent devil sits at the bar. "You have a fantastic year and still they want more." (Frank Mann) Anthony Fauci sits at the bar. Bartender: "Your boss doesn't appreciate you, you say?" (Duncan Stevens) Teen sits at the bar with a mask almost completely covering his face, while the bartender looks at his ID photo — which is also totally masked. (Jeff Shirley) Drawing is unchanged. "That will be $11.50, Mr. Houdini . . . Mr. Houdini?" (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) Postmaster General Louis DeJoy at the bar. "A beer — and be slow about it." (Greg Dobbins) Two rats at the bar. "I tell ya, it's a real human-race out there." (Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.) Elephant at the bar. "I drink to forget." (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) Priest comes toward the bar. "Just once I wanted to walk in alone." (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) Shirtless man crawling across desert, looking at phone: "In 375 miles, crawl right." (idea and caption by Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md., second place and the Capitol dome squeeze ball) Astronaut planting U.S. flag: "Yessir, Mr. President. On behalf of Space Force, it's great to be here in New Mexico . . . um, I mean, on the moon." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) One crawling guy to another: "I think we'd make better time if we tried walking." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Salvador Dali paints a picture of a melting clock. In the desert are several melting clocks. (Pia Palamidessi) Husband and wife cats to real estate agent: "Just look at the size of this bathroom!" (Robyn Carlson) Two old-style Western bandits with bandannas over their faces: "Zeke, you cain't make me wear this thing. I cain't breathe! What about my rights?" (Mark Raffman) Trump holds up a glass of water over a man crawling on the ground. "I would like you to do us a favor, though . . . " (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Little cactus to big cactus (picture unchanged). "Dad, when I get older, will my third arm be as big as yours?" (Mike Ostapiej) Elephant on psychiatrist's couch: "Whenever I'm in a room, nobody talks about me." (Idea and caption by Duncan Stevens) Both shrink and young client stare at their phones. Shrink texts to client, "Tell me how your week was." (Anita Holmes, Apple Valley, Calif., a First Offender) Dog lying on the couch: "They always ask me, "Who's a good boy?" But they never TELL me I'm a good boy." (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) Murder hornet on couch: "I don't feel I'm getting the attention I deserve right now." (Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring, Md.) Space alien on couch: "But that's where we ALWAYS put the probes. It doesn't mean I have a fixation!" (Mark Raffman) A priest, a rabbi and a Baptist minister sit side by side on the couch. Psychiatrist: "I've identified your problem. You're in the wrong cartoon." (Jeff Shirley; Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) The Empress is sitting in the psychiatrist's chair. A guy in a dunce cap is lying on the couch, troubled. The Empress says, "Have you considered submitting funnier entries?" (Mike Gips) AD . New for Week 1401: How hai? A joke-haiku contest HOW HOT IS IT? It is so hot that my iPhone now qualifies as a Baked Apple. — Paul Lander The haiku above was lifted not from an earlier Style Invitational contest, but from the online poetry journal Light. Its editor, Melissa Balmain (who also has 167 blots of Invite ink), featured it as one of Light's "poems of the week" — and pointed it out to the Empress: contest potential. Oh, yes. This week: Write a joke (roughly) in the "It's so xxx" genre as a haiku, as in the poem above. For our purposes (purists, please don't bother writing in to quibble) a haiku is anything written in three lines, with 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. As with the example, you may add a title as well. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1401 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 21; results will appear Oct. 11 in print, Oct. 8 online. AD Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a nice fresh carton of eight cookies, into which are mixed a list of morsels including pretzels, potato chips, coffee, oats, graham crackers, chocolate chips and butterscotch. Maybe a bit much, but I'm guessing that Loser Jeff Contompasis was able to get them on the clearance rack for $1.12 not because of their taste, but because of the brand name: Compost Cookies. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punder-achiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Tooning Up" is by Kevin Dopart. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday. BRAND-NEW PODCAST! In Episode 2 of You're Invited, host Mike Gips interviews Chris Doyle, the most successful Loser of all time. It's terrific. Hear it at NRARS.org. The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's — published late afternoon Thursday, Sept. 10 — at wapo.st/conv1401. ====================================================================== WEEK 1402, published September 20, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1402: The fourteeners — a neologism contest Plus metaphors for the all-too-memorable year 2020 Image without a caption By Pat Myers September 17, 2020 at 9:05 a.m. EDT Add to list(Click here to skip down to the winning descriptions of the year 2020) Karenting: When a mom with a cranky baby demands to see the stork's manager. WMATAdor: You, as you twist and wave your hands, trying to keep six feet away from everyone else on the train. Mailodorous: How it smells when the Postal Service starts slowing down delivery before an election. Having donned her imperial tiara in Week 536, lo these almost 17 years ago, the Empress is as surprised as anyone that she's never had to have it surgically removed. Indeed, she did a little scepter-shudder to see "Week 1400" appear in The Style Invitational's headline two weeks ago. We were busy with horse names that week, so let's catch up now to add 1 to a contest from 2016, first suggested by Mark Raffman, later by Jeff Contompasis, and this time by Duncan Stevens, complete with the examples above: Make up a word whose Scrabble letter values add up to exactly 14 (no blanks!) and define it. Your word cannot be eligible for English-language Scrabble; to check, just type in your word at scrabble.merriam.com to make sure it's not valid. As with all our neologism contests, you're welcome to use your word in a funny sentence to make your entry funnier, and not welcome to use your word in an unfunny sentence. AD Scrabble letter values: A, E, I, O, U, L, N, S, T, R: 1 point; D, G: 2 points B, C, M, P: 3 points; F, H, V, W, Y: 4 points; K: 5 points; J, X: 8 points; Q, Z: 10 points You don't have to worry about how many of each tile are really available in a Scrabble set; it also doesn't matter if your word is so long that it would fall on a multiple-letter tile on a Scrabble board. Just count the points. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1402 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 29 (an extra day so that those observing Yom Kippur may think about entries during the sermon); results will appear Oct. 18 in print, Oct. 15 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a tiny tin containing actual foldout "Emergency Underpants" and a coconut-scented car-interior freshener that's called, we swear, Pimp Oil. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punder-achiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Bleep Year" was submitted by both Bill Dorner and Chris Doyle; Chris and Jesse Frankovich each sent in the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday. follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. BRAND-NEW PODCAST! In Episode 3 of You're Invited, host Mike Gips interviews Elden Carnahan, founder 27 years ago of the thriving social community we now call the Losers. Hear it at bit.ly/invite-podcast. The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's — published late Thursday afternoon, Sept. 17 — at wapo.st/conv1402. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . 2020 — it's a bleep year: Metaphors from Week 1398 In Week 1398 the Empress asked for novel ways to describe the year 2020 and got a deluge — some 2,000 entries — of "how bad is it?" jokes. If you're entering our still-running contest for "X is so Y" jokes in haiku form (wapo.st/invite1401; deadline Sept. 21), sorry if one of these scooped your own idea. 4th place: 2020 has been so offensively bad, it's had to change its name to Washington Calendar Year. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: If 2020 were a camping trip, the poison ivy would have chiggers on it. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2nd place and the mask with the cartoonish grin: If 2020 were a Christmas tree, Charlie Brown would look at it and say, "Let's get the big shiny pink one instead." (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: 2020 is like a Zoom work conference where everyone says goodbye but then nobody is able to Leave Meeting. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Year misses: Honorable mentions 2020 is like a crash between two semis on the Beltway in rush hour where they both lose their loads and one is full of baking soda and the other is full of vinegar. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) AD If 2020 were a novel, it would be "1984" with all the funny parts taken out. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) If 2020 were indicted on fraud charges, Donald Trump would say, "I never actually lived in 2020." (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 2020 as a Cole Porter song: "It's depressing, it's disgusting, it's detestable, it's deplorable, it's demonic, it's de-reary, it's de-worst, it's de-lousy." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) 2020 is like binge-watching the "Buffering" message. (Ben Aronin, Washington) 2020 is like an itch on your nose you can't reach because you're not supposed to touch your face and also you've been handcuffed. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) If 2020 were a song, it would be Florence Foster Jenkins covering "WAP" backed by Alvin and the Chipmunks. (John Johnston, St. Inigoes, Md.) AD If 2020 were a nickel bag, it would be a bag with a nickel in it. (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) 2020 is like having your wife run off with your best friend who you just found out is running a drug cartel that is funneling money into an offshore account under your name that is about to be busted in a sting operation on your birthday. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md,) 2020 is like bribing a college-admissions officer and ending up at Trump U. (Duncan Stevens) 2020 is so bad, Jerry Falwell Jr. had to stop watching. (Frank Osen) If 2020 apologized to us for all this, it would say "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Honorable mention for Frank Mann's photo of his own rotting jack-o-lantern. Honorable mention for Frank Mann's photo of his own rotting jack-o-lantern. If 2020 were a stray dog, they'd turn it away at the no-kill shelter. (Susanne Pierce Dyer, Suisun City, Calif.) As a song, 2020 would be "Seasons in the Sun" played on a spit-filled kazoo. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) AD If 2020 were an infomercial, you'd lose track of how many times they said, "But wait! There's more!" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Even Stanley Kubrick would have thrown out the script for 2020. (Bill Bouyer, Ocoee, Fla.) If 2020 signed up for The Post's Date Lab, there would be "No further contact." (Madelyn Rosenberg, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) If 2020 were a sandwich spread, it would be toe jam. (Teri Chism, Winchester, Va.) If 2020 were a day at the beach, it would be June 6, 1944. (Frank Mann) If 2020 were a cartoon character, it would be Wile E. Coyote — and the laws of physics would apply. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) If 2020 were a Facebook friend request, it'd be from Stephen Miller. (David Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.) If 2020 were a Kama Sutra position, it would be called Abstinence. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) AD If 2020 were your homework, you'd be scrubbing it out of the carpet because your dog spit it back up. (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) If 2020 were a piece of pie, it would be from "The Help." (Art Grinath) If my eyesight were 2020, I'd sue my Lasik surgeon. (David Zvijac, Annandale) 2020 is the blackberry seed in the molar of life. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) 2020 is like being a hypochondriac who's suddenly right all the time. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco) If 2020 were on Tinder, even Your Mama would swipe left. (Duncan Stevens) The audiobook of 2020 will be narrated by Gilbert Gottfried and Kimberly Guilfoyle. (Duncan Stevens) If 2020 is an opera, the fat lady obviously has laryngitis. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) If 2020 were the Style Invitational, it'd be a poetry contest requiring the words "orange," "silver," "opus" and "discombobulate." (Todd DeLap, Fairfax) AD 2020 is like reading the Style Invitational: You keep thinking that next week it will finally get better. (Rob Cohen) If 2020 were an Invitational prize, it would actually be one of the better ones. (Jesse Frankovich) DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1403, published September 27, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1403: Who was that masked man? Give an old (or new) TV show a covid or other current story line. Plus more false trivia. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers September 24, 2020 at 10:17 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning fake trivia about summer) This week on "Dancing With the Stars": It's the Socially Distant Tango! Tonight on "Star Trek": Mr. Spock is barred from the bridge when he can't find a mask to go over his ears. On this week's "West Wing," President Bartlet asks noted scientists for help on ending the pandemic, then actually believes them. This week's contest was suggested by newbie Loser Bill Bouyer: Create a short listing for a current or past TV show that has a coronavirus story line, or one reflecting some other issue in the news right now, as in Bill's own examples above. The latter would probably be funnier in a classic series than a current one. A clever title for the new episode is an option, too. Don't give a long synopsis of the story, just a line or two as above. The Empress, who won't be seen without her tiara even while working from home, models this week's second prize. The Empress, who won't be seen without her tiara even while working from home, models this week's second prize. (Mark Holt) AD Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1403 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Oct. 5; results will appear Oct. 25 in print, Oct. 22 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives another in our series of Ridiculous Bordering on Scary Face Masks. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punder-achiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "The Fibbin' Is Easy" is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday, and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD BRAND-NEW PODCAST! In Episode 4 of You're Invited, host Mike Gips interviews Duncan Stevens, the Loser who's been inking up the joint like no other. Hear it at bit.ly/invite-podcast. (Episodes will appear monthly after this one.) The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1403. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . The fibbin' is easy: Summer fictoids from Week 1399 In our ongoing campaign of Lies for All Seasons, we asked in Week 1399 for untrue trivia about summer, or things that happen/have happened in the summer. 4th place: Ironically, in the Midwest, Popsicles are known as Softdrinksicles. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) 3rd place: Three days after the 2020 Republican National Convention, Amazon announced that Kimberly Guilfoyle would be the voice of its new Alexa for Seniors. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the 'energy stick' science toy: A quadruple rainbow appeared in the sky over the Queens hospital where Donald Trump was born on June 14, 1946. — M. Pence, Washington (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Virtually all "cotton candy" in the United States is now made of polyester. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) Dim summers: Honorable mentions Each summer a typical American consumes a tablespoon of human blood by swallowing inhaled mosquitoes. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) AD San Francisco's 1967 Summer of Love exceeded all expectations, proving far more popular than the 1966 Summer of I Like You but Only as a Friend. (Frank Mann, Washington) The planned Summer of Haight in San Francisco was a dud until the event got new promoters. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) "Zucchini" is Italian for "way too much." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 1946 saw not only the naming of the bikini, inspired by the Pacific atoll, but the thong, inspired by the little-known Daffy Duck version of "Song of the South." (Noah Meyerson, Washington) According to 1960 Census Bureau data for Surf City, Calif., there were 1.21 girls for every boy. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) After Labor Day, antifa stops hurling chilled summer soups like gazpacho and cucumber bisque, and switches to bags of hearty autumnal fare like split pea and butternut squash. (Frank Osen) AD The 2021 list of Atlantic hurricane names includes "Sharpie." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Although everyone knows about Jimi Hendrix's iconic "Star-Spangled Banner" from Woodstock on Aug. 18, 1969, few remember his request that the audience join him afterward in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) BBQ stands for "badly burned quadruped." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) At the 1992 Town Picnic in Chernobyl, Ukraine, the three-legged race was won for the first time by a single person. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Lightning bugs never land in the same place twice. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Coronavirus cases in France dropped by 80 percent in August 2020 as the virus, following national custom, refused to do any work during that month. (Mark Raffman) AD Donald Trump's sister alleges that when he turned 50 on June 14, 1996, he paid a man named Joe Shapiro to take his colonoscopy for him. (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.) In Siberia, summer is known as perezimovat"², or "month between winter." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) During summers in Victorian-era opera houses, admirers of some divas would vie to keep them cool offstage by waving peacock plumes above them as they reclined on the settee. This is the origin of the phrase "I am your biggest fan." (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) The Inuit now have 38 ways to say, "Hot enough for ya?" (Frank Osen) Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower changed his original plans for a D-Day invasion in the South of France, fearing that his soldiers would be distracted by topless beachgoers. (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) AD Marco Polo was deathly afraid of the water. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) From June 1 through Sept. 15, the EPA mandates that Amish citizens modify their buggy horse feed to "summer blend," containing 1.5 percent less hay. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) In most coastal states, if your sand castle lasts on a beach more than four days, you begin to acquire legally binding rights to the land underneath the castle. (David Kleinbard) On July 4, 1982, the All England Club changed the name of Wimbledon's "Gentlemen's Championship" to "Men's Championship" when John McEnroe played Jimmy Connors in the final. (Mark Raffman) It is illegal in 16 states to burn a calendar that marks Flag Day. (Duncan Stevens) In water polo, players consume large quantities of beans just before a match to improve buoyancy. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) AD Though the hypothesis was first posited in the late 1950s, it was not until August 2020 that scientists established definitively that there ain't no cure for the summertime blues. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Most praying mantises found in the United States are Presbyterian. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) On Aug. 6, 1965, even though he realized he could never do as much for disenfranchised people of color as the Trump family would, President Johnson still signed the Voting Rights Act into law. (Kevin Dopart) At the urging of the White House, thermometer manufacturers have announced plans to make outdoor models that top out at 89 degrees. (Frank Osen) Sharks will attack only if you've eaten in the last hour. (Noah Meyerson) Store-bought tomatoes taste like Styrofoam because they are injected with it to keep their shape. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) AD The Declaration of Independence was signed on July 4, 1776, because who wants to sit outside in the winter to watch fireworks? (Edmund Conti, Raleigh) The dog days of August are called that because everyone knows that's when the DEMOCRAT party kills dogs and feeds the meat to their child sex slaves! — John Barron, Washington (Roy Ashley, Washington) Still running — deadline Tuesday night, Sept. 29: Our contest for new words whose letters add to 14 points in Scrabble. See wapo.st/invite1402. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1404, published October 4, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1404: Ask Backwards 39, a not-so-'Jeopardy!' contest But we give answers, you give questions. And our winning 'foal' names, fall edition. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Oct. 1, 2020 at 9:19 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning foal names from Week 1400) $750.02 Shake, Rattle and Plop A Mazel Tov Cocktail Alex Tribeca Ken Jennings and Kylie Jenner Shut Up Man Downton Outhouse A Spelling Hornet May 30, 2022 The Republic Forwhichistan Keep On Smizing @UnrealAbrahamLincoln Chris Wallace's Glasses Getting Bonked by a Tennis Ball A Room Without a Roof LAP, CLAP and WAP The Washington Football Team's Mascot The New Cabinet Department We Need As "Jeopardy!" returns for its 37th season (not counting the Art Fleming years), still hosted by the indefatigable Alex Trebek and now featuring 74-time winner Ken Jennings as "Official Jeopardy! Guy," The Style Invitational once again presents its contest that bears virtually no resemblance to the quiz show except that . . . Above are the answers. You supply the questions. Everything's capitalized in case you want to think of them as proper nouns somehow, but you may also ignore the caps. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1404 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Oct. 12; results will appear Nov. 1 in print, Oct. 29 online. Little Red Book not included: Brought back from China, this week's second prize. Little Red Book not included: Brought back from China, this week's second prize. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Chinese army-style red-starred olive drab cap, picked up in China a while back by a "a former U.S. government 'researcher,' if you know what I mean," says its donor, Loser Steve Smith. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punder-achiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Horse and Jokey" is by Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday, and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1404. Our new Loser-made podcast! In Episodes 1 through 4 of You're Invited, host Mike Gips has interviewed the Empress, Top Inviter Ever Chris Doyle, Founder of the Loser Community Elden Carnahan, and Current Dominator Duncan Stevens. Hear each half-hour at bit.ly/invite-podcast; the next one will drop in a few weeks. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Horse and jokey: The foal names of Week 1400 In Week 1400 we gave a special running of our famed foal name contest, this time between the postponed Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes. As usual, we offered a list of 100 of the horses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races and asked you to "breed" any two names, then name the "foal" to reflect both names. So many First Offenders this week! 4th place: Astaire x Weekend in Court = Puttin'OnTheWrits (Steve Price, New York) 3rd place: As Seen on TV x Censored = * een on TV (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.; Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.) 2nd place and the 1983 Churchill Downs mint julep glass: Semper Fi x Well Connected = Jarhead Kushner (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Life on the Road x Villainous = RV Weinstein (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) Louisville sloggers: Honorable mentions Hail to the Chief x Close Shave = Stubble Genius (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) AD Money Moves x Relentless Dancer = Cardi O (Luke Baker, Columbia, Md.) Hail to the Chief x American Baby = Mad Don and Child (Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md.) Mr. Kringle x No Salt = St. NaCl-less (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) South Bend x Something Natural = Mayor Peat (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Amen Corner x Atone = Amend Corner (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Amen Corner x Explosive = Amen Coroner (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Amen Corner x Charlatan = Two Corinthians (Susan Zarrow, Emmaus, Pa., a First Offender) Mr. Kringle x Close Shave = Saint Nick (Beryl Benderly, Washington; Claudia Raffman, Reston, Va.) Amen Corner x Thousand Words = Sermonotonous (Trudie Cushing, Bethesda, Md.) American Baby x Informative = Goo-Google (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) Charlatan x Ancient Land = Fauxnecia (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) AD Explosive x Ancient Land = Bomb in Gilead (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Gimme Some Mo x Ancient Land = What'sYoursIsMayan (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.) Art Collector x Censored = Art Corrector (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Art Collector x Cool Runnings = Venus de Miler (Cheryl Denney White, Hartsdale, N.Y.) South Bend x Market Analysis = Hoosier Data? (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla..) As Seen on TV x Believe Now = Regret Later (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) As Seen on TV x NY Traffic = Kvetch-O-Matic (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) NY Traffic x As Seen on TV = JamWow (Fred Shuback, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) As Seen on TV x Verb = Avoid (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) Atone x Candy Machine = Yum Kippur (Marleen May, Rockville, Md.; Steve Price) Talkin Malice x Atone = Cuss and Make Up (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) AD Well Connected x South Bend = Plugged IN (Kirsten B. Mitchell, Washington, a First Offender) Authentic x Spice Is Nice = The Real Dill (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Authentic x Wrecking Crew = The Credible Hulk (Duncan Stevens) Villainous x Beachcombing = Darth Wader (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Explosive x By Your Side = Blame the Dog (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.; Paul Madigan, Ellicott City, Md., a First Offender) Modernist x Atone = Finnegans Woke (Rob Huffman) Superfecto x Caracaro = Expialidocious (Sam Mertens) South Bend x Censored = Notre Tame (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.) Explosive x Charlatan = BAMboozle (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) Hail to the Chief x Charlatan = Bone Spurious (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Charlatan x Relentless Dancer = Fraud Astaire (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) AD Close Shave x Poe = Pits and Pendulum (Ed Flynn, Alexandria, Va.; Brian Lewandowski, Keswick, Va., a First Offender) Close Shave x Positively Awesome = Belle of the Bald (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Close Shave x Tons of Gold = Brazilianaire (Duncan Stevens) Spice Is Nice x Dr Post = Anise-thesia (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Energized x Talkin Malice = Little Bunny FU FU (David Peckarsky, Tucson) Eight Rings x Money Moves = Octopi Wall Street (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) Informative x Mr. Kringle = KnowWellKnowWell (Mary McNamara, Washington) Explosive x South Bend = Nitro Dame (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn; Rob Huffman) Convict x Tons of Gold = Manafort Knox (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Cool Runnings x Fancy Liquor = Drool Runnings (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) Special Day x Villainous = Doris and Natasha (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) AD Telephone Talker x Thousand Words = Hello, Mother (John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.) Semper Fi x Digital = Halls of Montezoom (Mark Raffman) Semper Fi x Relentless Dancer = HallsOfMontezumba (Katherine Carwile, Kitty Hawk, N.C.) Semper Fi x Screech = Howls of Montezuma (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) No Shirt, No Shoes x Relentless Dancer = Flatley Denied (Doug Hembrey, Manassas, a First Offender) Poe x The Falcon = First Draft (Mark Nocera, Alexandria, Va.) Poe x Super John = House of Flusher (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Ancient Land x Ready to Roll = Fertile Crescent (Rob Huffman) Positively Awesome x Market Analysis = How Great Dow Art (Chris Doyle) South Bend x By Your Side = Dress to the Left (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) Storm the Court x Kowalski = Tennisy Williams (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) AD Kowalski x Poe = Lenooorrrrre! (Susan Zarrow) Mr. Kringle x No Shirt No Shoes = St. Knickerless (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Necker Island x No Shirt No Shoes = Nekkid Island (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Shoplifted x Well Connected = BigMisunderstandin (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Kid Mercury x Screech = Hg Wails (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Shooters Shoot x King Guillermo = Fire at Will (Diana Oertel, San Francisco) Weekend in Court x King Guillermo = Arraign in Spain (Mary Kappus, Washington) Still running — deadline Monday, Oct. 5: our contest for a covid-19 or other current story line for a current or classic TV show. See wapo.st/invite1403. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1405, published October 11, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1405: Okay, once more around the track You asked, we give another 'grandfoal' contest. Plus winning jokes in haiku form. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Oct. 8, 2020 at 9:48 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning jokes in haiku form) Breed Hello, Mother with Regret Later and name the foal Still on Phone Howls of Montezuma x Jarhead Kushner = Rotten to the Corps The Real Dill x JamWow = Putting Pickles Up Because This Crazy Year included the postponement of the Kentucky Derby, the Invite ended up running its big-deal "foal breeding" contest not only in May, but with another set of horse names in September, whose results ran last week. Also in May, we ran the annual spinoff contest to pair any two of the inking foal names from that first contest to produce "grandfoals." The Empress ordered the socks that look like hoofs but got these foxy ones instead. They even have a pad motif on the soles. The Empress ordered the socks that look like hoofs but got these foxy ones instead. They even have a pad motif on the soles. So three horse contests in a year! Enough already, right? Nope! After last week's foal names were announced, Losers and even just-readers wrote to the Empress, asking, "Aren't you going to do the grandfoals contest again?" AD Noblesse oblige, we guess. This week: At the bottom of this page is a list of the 67 foal names that got ink in Week 1400. Now, "breed" any two and name the offspring to reflect both parents' names, as in the examples above. As always, the names may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but one or more characters may be numerals, punctuation marks or other symbols. You may run words together, but the name should be easy to read. Use the format Name A x Name B = Grandfoal Name for each breeding, as in Examples 2 and 3 above. See this week's entry form for a few more formatting tips. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1405 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Oct. 19; results will appear Nov. 8 in print, Nov. 5 online (as if you'll have anything else to think about that week). AD Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of socks that look like fox paws, even on the soles. The E had sent away for ones that looked like horse hoofs but . . . well, it's 2020. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punder-achiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Hai-comedy" is by Jesse Frankovich; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday, and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you're new to the grandfoal contest and would like to give it a try, see this week's at wapo.st/conv1405. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Hai-comedy: Winning jokes in haiku form In Week 1401 the Empress asked for "X is so Y" jokes, roughly, in haiku form (5, 7, 5 syllables). 4th place: My hair's now so long, I'm like Rapunzel — and she Couldn't leave either. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville) 3rd place: Your Mama's so loud When she snores that I can't hear Kimberly Guilfoyle. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place and the Compost Cookies: My state's so blue that Trump replaced our mailboxes With recycling cans. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: I'm so embarrassed, When I fly abroad I say I've been deported. (Frank Mann, Washington) So-so 'so'-etry: Honorable mentions There's such a rush to Make a vaccine that "warp speed" May turn to corpse speed. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) AD California's sky Was so orange, you couldn't find the president. (Spencer Lu, Gaithersburg, Md.) "WAP": So NSFW I'm SMFH. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) My team is so bad, When I saw the empty seats It just seemed normal. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Ellen is so kind She lets her crew take a bow From the Ellen store. (Mike Ostapiej, Ravenel, S.C.) CD sales have sunk So low they're behind records — It's the vinyl straw. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) He's so dishonest That his nose campaigned across Four swing states at once. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) Charlotte the spider's So careful, she's always sure To keep eight feet apart. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) It is so dang hot, Even the humidity Says it is the heat. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) He's so untruthful, He can travel the world on Frequent-liar miles. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) AD Trump is so giving, He paid 130K to Help a single mom. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Falwell's such a chump, When his wife is naughty he Sits in the corner. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) This year's been so tough, It made 1929 Cry for its mommy. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) She's so bad at math She has to study ""Š'Math for Dummies' for Dummies." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Such a narcissist That in prison he'll only Print vanity plates. (David Young, Falmouth, Mass.) Washington's football Team is so complete that they Go the whole nine yards. (Jesse Rifkin) Maine's polls are so bad, Collins now says Trump really, REALLY concerns her. (Chris Doyle) Pelosi's so bold, She's scheduled her next blowout For November 3. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) How bad are the fires? California's new state song: "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) AD Each day feels so much Like the last that each day feels So much like the last. (Sarah Walsh) Bill Barr is so far Up Trump's rump that he might bump Into McConnell. (Jesse Frankovich) How Hot Was the Road? It was so hot, it Fried not just an egg but the Chicken crossing it. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va..) How Stressed Am I? Stressed? My doctor asked If I took my blood pressure In an Instant Pot. (Madelyn Rosenberg, Arlington, Va.) How Bad Is 2020? This year is so bad We will need a new cliche To describe hindsight. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Do I Miss Theaters? I miss them so much, I now hire people to talk When I stream Netflix. (Duncan Stevens) How Contagious Is It? It's so contagious Even a Jets receiver Can almost catch it. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) How Cold Is It? It's as cold as when Trump gets his hand brushed away By Melania. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) AD How Dead Were They? They were so dead that Although they tried, they couldn't Vote in Chicago. — (thanks to me!) D.J.T. | (Minturn Wright, Washington) I'm such a rebel I always thumb my nose at rules, Even in a haiku. (Jonathan Jensen) Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 12: our perennial Ask Backwards contest. See wapo.st/invite1404. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. The inking foal names from Week 1400. To see their "parentage" — e.g., Art Collector x Censor = Art Corrector — see the results of that contest at wapo.st/invite1404 . ** een on TV Amen Coroner Amend Corner Anise-thesia Arraign in Spain Art Corrector Avoid BAMboozle Belle of the Bald BigMisunderstandin Blame the Dog Bomb in Gilead Bone Spurious Brazilianaire Cardi O Cuss and Make Up Darth Wader Doris and Natasha Dress to the Left Drool Runnings Expialidocious Fauxnecia Fertile Crescent Finnegans Woke Fire at Will First Draft Flatley Denied Fraud Astaire Goo-Google Halls of Montezoom HallsOfMontezumba Hello, Mother Hg Wails Hoosier Data? House of Flusher How Great Dow Art Howls of Montezuma JamWow Jarhead Kushner KnowWellKnowWell Kvetch-O-Matic Lenooorrrrre! Little Bunny FU FU Mad Don and Child Manafort Knox Mayor Peat Nekkid Island Nitro Dame Notre Tame Octopi Wall Street Pits and Pendulum Plugged IN Puttin'OnTheWrits Regret Later RV Weinstein Saint Nick Sermonotonous St. Knickerless St. NaCl-less Stubble Genius Tennisy Williams The Credible Hulk The Real Dill Two Corinthians Venus de Miler What'sYoursIsMayan Yum Kippur ====================================================================== WEEK 1406, published October 18, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1406: The news could be verse Write an acrostic current-events poem. Plus our latest new words. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Oct. 15, 2020 at 9:57 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning 14-Scrabble-point neologisms) "Man blows up part of house while chasing fly" — bbc.com A HARD-TO-SWAT FLY by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons A Frenchman was about to eat his food. He loathed to share his dinner with a fly, And since one pesky fly had dared intrude, Resolved at once this fly would have to die! Dispensing electricity in sparks That fizzled from a swatter he now held, Our Frenchman chased the fly, but left no marks, Since flies are so adroitly self-propelled . . . What happened next brought kudos to the fly: An undetected gas leak filled the room To spark a blast that blew the roof sky-high. For miles around the neighbors heard it boom . . . Luck blessed the man. Just minor burns had he. You know the rest: The fly escaped scot-free! The Empress saw that acrostic sonnet as one of the "poems of the week" on the website of the journal Light and ding! Contest! Okay, Loserbards: Write a poem based on a recent news article, in which the lines' first letters spell out the title or subject of the poem, as in the example above. They certainly can be shorter than Mike's poem, though; one-word titles are fine. Please cite where and when the article appeared; include a link to it if you can. I'll just call myself the Emp. This week's second prize. I'll just call myself the Emp. This week's second prize. AD Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1406 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Oct. 26; results will appear Nov. 15 in print, Nov. 12 online. (As in after the election. So you might want to avoid news stories that will be out of date by then.) Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives yet another of our Face Masks That'll Make 'Em Look Twice, this one printed with a nicely trimmed beard. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punder-achiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Laugh Begins at 14" is by Jesse Frankovich; Howard Walderman wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday, and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. Today's poem is reprinted with permission of Light and the author. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's — published late afternoon Thursday, Oct. 15 — at wapo.st/conv1406. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Laugh begins at 14: Inking neologisms from Week 1402 To celebrate our 1,400-and-counting weeks of defiling The Washington Post, the Empress asked for new terms whose letters add to 14 Scrabble points (not counting blanks, doubles, etc.) for Week 1402. 4th place: SHAMNESIA: "Hush money? I don't remember anything about that. Maybe you should ask Michael Cohen. I hardly know the guy." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 3rd place: DUMBRAGE: Indignation based on ignorance. "How dare you say you'd like to emulate me, you filthy pervert!" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 2nd place and the Emergency Underpants and Pimp Oil car perfume: NAGIVATION: The art of backseat driving. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: BUPHOON: An ill wind from Washington that blows nobody any good. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Unfourteenate: Honorable mentions NOSHTALGIA: Remember when we could gorge on nachos and beer and not gain a pound? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) AD TYRANNODON: Creature we thought could not possibly exist today. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) ABSENTIFA: A group of dangerous anarchists that terrorizes people by not showing up. (Jonathan Jensen) ATLASHRUGS: Gestures that show you don't care. "When asked about the death rate, the White House official gave an atlashrug." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) THISTOPIA: 2020. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) BELLOWIER: What one candidate tries to be in a "debate." (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) BIFECAL: They used to be rose-colored, but lately I've been seeing the world through this kind of glasses. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) BULLIGERENT: Not only spouting total BS, but doing it while someone else is trying to talk. "In tonight's debate, the president was . . ." (Jonathan Jensen) CARDAVER: The mannequin you put in your passenger seat when you're driving solo in the HOV-2 lane. (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) AD CONDUMB: What you are when you insist on using Durex XXLs but they keep falling off. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) COVFEE: Miracle potion drunk by POTUS to cure himself. (Edward Gordon, Austin) DORKLY: Extra-clumsily. "Coming in from the patio, Ernie walked through a glass dorkly." (Chris Doyle) EGONOMICS: Maybe that was Trump's major in business school. (Chris Doyle) ENVOYEUR: State Department position created for Jerry Falwell Jr. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Mom always said I could date once I turned 16. Now I'm there and she says 18. I've been LINDSEYED. (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) LINDSEYOIL: A slippery substance that keeps the wheels greased in Washington. (Jonathan Jensen) FRETTORIC: Playing to the audience's fears — or creating fears for them. " 'He will destroy your neighborhood and your American Dream,' he began in a speech full of frettoric." (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) AD VOODOODOO: The Curse of 2020. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) FUBARITIS: Another super-spreading malady at the White House. (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) HULULEMON: A boutique selling shapeless sweatpants for binge-watching TV. (Duncan Stevens) LAUERINGLY: "You've been leering at me laueringly since I stepped into your office — now unlock the door." (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) NOTCAKES: The quintessential commercial failure: "The new sardine-flavored protein bars sold like notcakes." (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) MAILINGNANT: Current state of the Postal Service. (Edward Gordon) PROTESTINATE: "I really, really need to speak out about that outrage! I mean, not right now . . ." (Frank Mann, Washington) ZANON: Most boring conspiracy theory ever. (William Kennard) QANAL: A right-wing conspiracy group alleging that a cabal of deep-state proctologists is inserting intel chips with enemas. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) AD QUITR: The kid who dropped out of the spelling bee. (Frank Mann) RALPHIEST: "I shouldn't have eaten the jalapeño chili with the pork vindaloo. It was the ralphiest combo ever." (Roy Ashley, Washington) FLOPTILLA: The Trumpers' boat parade that sank itself in its own wake. (Frank Mann) SCOTUSBALL: Political sporting event in which the rules change depending upon who has the whistle. (Mike Greene, Richmond, Va) SHALLOTOSIS: Something between onion breath and garlic breath. (Chris Doyle) AMERDABLE: Having the potential to turn into sh. . . um, trouble. "A photo op with a puppy should be a slam-dunk, but it's Trump, so it's definitely amerdable." (Wendy Shang) TRUMPOLINE: White House exercise equipment. ("Jump!" "How high?") (Beverley Sharp) WEDNOODLE: A honeymoon downer. (Chris Doyle) WHATAGE: The lack of clarity produced by a dim bulb. "The journalists tried to parse the president's debate answer, but were overwhelmed by the whatage. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) AD MOJOE: It had better be working, is all I can say. (Jonathan Jensen) LOLLAPALOSER: A wannabe comedian who thinks somebody will publish all 25 of his entries. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va., who at least was 1 for 18 this week) Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 19: Our "grandfoals" contest. See wapo.st/invite1405. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1407, published October 25, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1407: Your ad space (or space ad) here Give us an idea for advertising in space, in a prison, etc. Plus updated TV show plots. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Oct. 22, 2020 at 10:16 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning TV shows updated for the covid age) Did you hear that NASA is renting out its astronauts to take pictures of your product in space? Yup, Estee Lauder is paying $17,500 an hour for them to photograph its moisturizer "serum" inside the International Space Station, for use in the company's social media ads. As space station acting director Robyn Gatens told NPR, NASA hopes to "open up business opportunities for companies that may never have thought about doing activities in space." Ooh, we'll help you think about it, companies! This week: Come up with an idea for promoting some commercial product or service (a) in space, (b) in a prison, (c) at a kindergarten, (d) by a football team or (e) in the White House. While the astronauts won't be using the products or endorsing them as such, we know it won't take 5 billion years for that to happen; go ahead and assume that the people there can use the product, sing a jingle, whatever. AD Ironically, our number two prize: A cuddly plush urine-sample beaker. Ironically, our number two prize: A cuddly plush urine-sample beaker. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1407 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Nov. 2 (why, you think you'll have something else on your mind that day?); results will appear Nov. 22 in print, Nov. 19 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy — or possibly its replacement (TBA). Second place receives the best promotional stuffed mascot we've offered since Fleet's Eneman: It's Petey P. Cup, a cuddly toy urine-sample beaker complete with little splashy-looking yellow sides, representing cuddly HealthPartners insurance. Donated by 48-time Loser Marleen May. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punder-achiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "ReviSitcoms" is by Jon Gearhart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday, and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late afternoon Thursday, Oct. 22, at wapo.st/conv1407. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . ReviSitcoms: Updated TV plots from Week 1403 In Week 1403 we asked you to describe an episode of a past or current TV show updated for our current age. Many Losers suggested plots for "The Invaders" or other ET shows in which the aliens take one look and hurry back into the mother ship. 4th place: Marcus Welby, M.D.: "I wish I could save your husband, Mrs. Johnson, but — oops, no more Obamacare." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 3rd place: The Beverly Hillbillies: The California wildfires threaten the Clampett mansion. Elly May flees to the cement pond, where she's rescued by 600 firemen. (Allen Breon, Clarksville, Md.) 2nd place and the tongue-sticking-out face mask: Tonight on MacGyver, the world hangs in the balance trying to find a way to protect itself from covid-19. But Angus faces his most daunting challenge yet: He has only a square of cloth and two elastic bands. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: All in the Family: After a change of heart, the bigoted guy from Queens lets his meathead son-in-law be in charge of everything. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Dreck to TV: Honorable mentions Candid Camera: The president thinks he's on the phone with Vladimir Putin, but it's really Sacha Baron Cohen. "Smile!" (Jeffrey Schamis, Washington, a First Offender) AD Friends: Furloughed during the pandemic, the gang moves into an even more luxurious apartment and has more disposable income. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) The Brady Bunch misses out on first place in the neighborhood talent show with their imitation of a Zoom call because Alice doesn't realize she is on mute. (Mike Phillips, Chevy Chase, Md.) Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Our undead-battling heroine meets her match when Stephen Miller moves to town. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Since so many countries have banned U.S. travelers, this season's Amazing Race will be filmed entirely on the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Timmy falls down a well, and Lassie decides that he's safer down there. (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) In a reunion of The Apprentice, the contestants fail to develop a covid-19 vaccine before the 2020 election. Inexplicably, Trump fires Obama, who wasn't even on the show. (Frank Mann, Washington) AD The Cosby Show: Forty women accuse Dr. Huxtable of abuse. Police arrive at his house and shoot Theo. (Ben Aronin, Washington) Parks and Recreation: Leslie and her staff come up with a zany new scheme to raise $100 a week to supplement unemployment checks for half the town. (Matthew Blair, Washington, a First Offender) Star Trek: Kirk, faced with losing his captaincy, agrees to a debate. Spock listens to him bluster and mutters, "That is not logical" 219 times. (Duncan Stevens) I Love Lucy: Alex Jones (Jackie Gleason) hires Lucy to demonstrate his new covid-19 cure, "Superblue fluoride-free toothpaste infused with nano silver," on live television. But neither realizes that it turns the user's teeth — and face — bright blue. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) House Hunters: An agent tries to find a house for a D.C. couple being evicted in January, when they're more than $400 million in debt. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) AD Sesame Street: Elmo teaches kids how to avoid deep state Satan-worshipers. Brought to you by Q. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Sesame Street: The Count teaches children the numbers: "199,998 . . . 199,999 . . . 200,000!" (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) The Flintstones: Dino comes down with covid-19 after Fred screams "Wilma!" at the top of his lungs. This leads to a most unfortunate ending for the world's dinosaur population. (Larry Gomberg, Lake Frederick, Va., a First Offender) Fawlty Towers: Innkeeper Basil Fawlty locks horns with a loudmouthed American guest in a MAGA hat. Just as Fawlty orders him to leave, the U.K. institutes a mandatory 14-day quarantine for U.S. visitors. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Seinfeld: Responding to the pandemic, the four buddies reprise "The Contest" to determine who can go the longest without touching their faces. (Andrew Rosenberg, New York, a First Offender; Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) AD Downton Abbey: Lord and Lady Grantham struggle with the challenges created by social distancing — especially dressing themselves. (Jonathan Jensen) On the reboot of Dragnet, Sgt. Friday's opening says: "This is the city, Los Angeles, California. I work here. I carry a badge. And full riot gear. And several cans of tear gas. And a rifle that shoots rubber bullets. And a fire hose. And a body camera that works, sometimes." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) The Dick Van Dyke Show: Alan Brady blames Laura when the straps of the mask she sewed for him dislodge his toupee on national television. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Bill Nye the Science Guy: This show has been canceled as unpatriotic by executive order. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) All in the Family: Archie loses his job, comes down with covid-19, and still votes for Trump. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) AD Under mask-wearing and social distancing requirements, The Bachelor offers roses to women based on the compatibility of their reading tastes and moral philosophies. (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) The Andy Griffith Show: Under political pressure to defund the sheriff's office, Mayberry authorities make Barney Fife turn over the bullet that he has to keep in his shirt pocket. (Mike Gips) Mary Tyler Moore: When WJM-TV is acquired by Fox, Mary is issued a "Make America Great Again" hat that she gaily tosses into Lake Minnetonka. (Frank Mann) Wonder Woman: Diana starts a lucrative side hustle renting out her Lasso of Truth to the White House press corps. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Beverly Hills 90210: Brandon and Kelly, tired of California wildfires, decide to relocate. Next season: "Wichita 67210." (Duncan Stevens) AD The Twilight Zone: Imagine, if you will, a world where you're giving a big work presentation and you don't have to imagine everyone is in their underwear, because they actually are . . . (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Welcome Back, Kotter: Class gets off to a rocky start when Horshack incessantly clicks "Raise Hand" and types "OH! OH!" in the chat box. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) Ellen announces she has covid-19, but her staff is safe, as they are never permitted to breathe the same air. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 26: our contest for acrostic poems about the news. See wapo.st/invite1406. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1408, published November 1, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1408: Re-Organization — tweak the name of a charity Plus the winning questions to our answers in Ask Backwards Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Oct. 29, 2020 at 9:59 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning Ask Backwards questions) The American Rung Association: Sponsoring charity balls for social climbers. (Kathy El-Assal) American Foundation for the Bland: Support and advocacy for the terminally boring. (Jeff Contompasis) Panned Parenthood: Support group for people filled with regret about bringing ungrateful brats into this world. (Jeff Contompasis) It's that time of year when many of us are paging through the Combined Federal Campaign catalogue of charities — thousands and thousands. So we'd better offer some more choices, right? Back in Week 1254 we had a contest to change the name of a commercial business by one letter; Loser Jeff Contompasis suggests this week's variation: Slightly change the name of a nonprofit organization and describe it, as in the examples above (Kathy El-Assal's was an inking entry back in Week 997 for dubious causes). You might also include a funny slogan. By "slightly" we mean that the original name should be easily recognized; it doesn't have to be a one-letter change. You can toucan if you win this week's second-prize socks. You can toucan if you win this week's second-prize socks. AD Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1408 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Nov. 9; results will appear Nov. 29 in print, Nov. 25 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy, or its replacement trophy (TBA). Second place receives this season's de rigueur fashion statement: a pair of stretchy socks that, between them, replicate a box of Froot Loops, all the way up to the "nutrition" information. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punder-achiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Askmasters" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD THE PODCAST IS BACK WITH . . . In Episode 5 of "You're Invited," host Mike Gips interviews Gene Weingarten, the founder and deposed Czar of The Style Invitational. Gene shares some juicy stuff about the Invite's early days and weighs in on today's contests as well. Hear it at bit.ly/invite-podcast. The Style Conversational: This week, the Empress shares the picture that Gene talks about in the podcast. See wapo.st/conv1408. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Askmasters: Inking questions from Week 1404 Week 1404 was our umpteenth-plus-one Ask Backwards contest, in which we give the "answers" and you supply the questions. Perhaps the best question of the bunch was submitted by too many people to credit: A. The Washington Football Team's Mascot. Q. What is the name of the Washington Football Team's mascot? AD Special bonus! To weigh in on the categories "Ken Jennings and Kylie Jenner" and "Alex Tribeca," the Empress recruited Ken Jennings himself! Ken's faves among those entries are noted below. 4th place: A. @UnrealAbrahamLincoln. Q. Who tweeted: "Great speech yesterday in Gettysburg! Union widows LOVE their President (ME)!"? Frank Mann, Washington) 3rd place: A. Shut Up Man. Q. Who is Florida Man's attorney? (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio; Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.) 2nd place and the Chinese army-style cap: A. Ken Jennings and Kylie Jenner. Q. Who are Mr. Trivia and Ms. Trivial? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; this was Ken's favorite in this category as well) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: A. The Republic Forwhichistan. Q. Where can you find One Asian Undergod — except he's invisible? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Stinquiries: Honorable mentions A. May 30, 2022. Q. When is the earliest we can expect this year to be over? (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) AD A. $750.02. Q. What tax bill suggests that somebody forgot to deduct the Sharpie ink used in his 1040 signature? (Gary Crockett) A. $750.02. Q. When we all finally go back to work, what will be the peak toll on I-66? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) A. Alex Tribeca. Q. Who can be found in a Lower Manhattan bar ordering his daily double? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A. Alex Tribeca. Q. Who replaced Art Flushing? (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Frank Mann; this was Ken's "Alex Tribeca" choice, though "too bad there's not a MANHATTAN neighborhood that sounds like 'Fleming' ") A. Alex Tribeca. Q. To whom do you say, "I'll take one-bedroom apartments for $6,000 a month, Alex"? (Gary Crockett; Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.; Ken's second choice) A. The New Cabinet Department We Need. Q. What is the Department of Presidential Affairs? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.; Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) AD A. The New Cabinet Department We Need. Q. What is the Internal Reality Service? (Joe McManus, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) A. The New Cabinet Department We Need. Q. What is the Department of Homeland Serenity? (Edmund Conti, Raleigh; David Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.; Frank Mann) A. Chris Wallace's Glasses. Q. Which was the second ugliest of the spectacles at the first presidential debate? (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) A. Chris Wallace's Glasses. Q: What got more spit on them than a pitcher's mound? (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) A. Chris Wallace's Glasses. Q. When the Fox News crew gets together, what do they drink the Kool-Aid in? (Leila Boyer, Dunkirk, Md., a First Offender) A. Downton Outhouse. Q. Where is there always a long line of ladies-in-waiting? (Beverley Sharp) A. Downton Outhouse. Q. What did the servants check for creepy Crawleys? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.; John O'Byrne, Dublin) AD A. Downton Outhouse: Q. What building's anteroom had only one footman? (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) A. Downton Outhouse. Q. On whose walls would you find the inscription "O Lord, Grantham pees"? (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) A. The Republic Forwhichistan. Q. What country's language has the letter Elemenopee? (Gail Carter, Martinsburg, W.Va., a First Offender) A. The Republic Forwhichistan. Q. Where do they sing about "the toilet's last cleaning"? (Frank Mann) A. The Republic Forwhichistan: Where do they have libertine adjusters for all? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) A. Ken Jennings and Kylie Jenner. Q. Who are a man who did thunderously win, and a woman who is wondrously thin? (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.; Ken Jennings: "A stretch but it's such a nice spoonerism! I'm such a sucker for those.") AD A. Ken Jennings and Kylie Jenner. Q. Whose SAT answers did Aunt Becky think she was buying, and whose did she actually buy? (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park; Ken: "I also liked this one, but I had the biggest crush on Lori Loughlin as a kid.") A. Ken Jennings and Kylie Jenner. Q. Whose careers got a big boost from "Jeopardy!" and a celebrity family feud? (Steve Smith) A. @UnrealAbrahamLincoln: Who tweeted, "James Buchanan? Hah! He'll go down as the worst president in the next 160 years!" (Mark Raffman, Reston) A. The Washington Football Team's Mascot Q. What is the PAC Rat? (Chris Doyle) A. The Washington Football Team's Mascot. Q. Who is Owen Sixteen? (Frank Mann) A. The Washington Football Team's Mascot. Q. What's that big shrugging emoji being painted on FedEx Field? (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) AD A. A Mazel Tov Cocktail: Q. How did God ignite the Burning Bush? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) A. A Mazel Tov Cocktail: Q. What drink is made from Manischewitz and cream soda and is often hurled? (Jeff Lubbers, Takoma Park; Andrew Hatziyannis, Rockville) A. Shake, Rattle and Plop. Q. What was a 1954 hit for Bill Haley and the Commodes? (Frank Osen) A. Shut Up Man. Q. What superhero has been called in to moderate the next debate? (Jim Derby, Gettysburg, Pa.; David Peckarsky, Tucson; Sarah Jay) A. Shut Up Man. Q. What is a positively brilliant, supremely witty riposte? — N. Pelosi (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) A. LAP, CLAP and WAP. Q. What are one thing you know Santa has, and two you hope he doesn't? (Mark Raffman) A. A Room Without a Roof. Q. What will make everyone but Pharrell unhappy? (Jeff Contompasis) A. A Room Without a Roof. Q. Now that she has spoken her last troof and drawn her last breaf, what have the Supreme Court justices' chambers become? (Tom Witte) A. A Room Without a Roof. Q. What was the first thing you made with your new 50,000 BTU teppanyaki grill? (Jeff Contompasis) A. Keep On Smizing. Q. What song lyric might you use to rhyme with "Don't worry about the violent post-election uprising?" (Duncan Stevens) A. A Spelling Hornet. Q. At which competition do contestants ask, "Could you please use that in a sAAAaaarrrghgh!" (Frank Osen) A. LAP, CLAP and WAP. Q. Hey, Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion, what do you call a cat from Los Angeles, a cat that's a certified learning assistant, and a cat that falls in the water a lot? (Duncan Stevens) A. LAP, CLAP and WAP.Q. What are President Trump's favorite dance type, personal Vietnam and body part in increasing order of importance? (Stephen Dudzik) Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 2: Our contest for ads from space, a prison, etc. See wapo.st/invite1407. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1409, published November 8, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1409: Skip a groove Drop a letter or more from the middle of a song title. Plus winning 'grandfoals.' Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 5, 2020 at 9:45 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning "grandfoals") How Do You Solve a Problem Like M[ari]a?: Theme song to "Throw Momma From the Train 2." W[A]P: Cardi and Megan recut their song so that all the lyrics are printable in The Washington Post. It's now five seconds long. Old Town Ro[a]d: Deputy Attorney General Rosenstein, berated by Trump, takes off and rides until he can't no more. Hello! You okay? The Empress wrote up this contest before Election Day so that she could go hide in a dark room and breathe slow, slow breaths. So here's something totally unrelated to The Matters at Hand (unless, of course, you choose to make it so . . .) Aroma one's own: The "stank cards" in the game What's That Smell, this week's second prize. Aroma one's own: The "stank cards" in the game What's That Smell, this week's second prize. Here's a variation on some earlier Style Invitational contests: We've had ones to delete letters from the beginnings and ends of song titles, and one for dropping some middle letters from movie names. So: This week: Drop one or more letters from somewhere in the middle of a song title and describe the new song, and/or quote some lyrics from it, as in the examples above from Overwhelmingly Successful Loser Duncan Stevens, who suggested this contest. (Empress: "We didn't do that one already? Huh." It's hard to keep track of 1,409 contests, even with the indispensable Master Contest List kept by Loser Elden Carnahan at nrars.org .) By "middle" we mean anywhere between the first letter and the last letter; i.e., don't chop off an end. If you drop more than one letter, they must be next to each other, or divided only by a space or punctuation. AD Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1409 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Nov. 16; results will appear Dec. 6 in print, Dec. 3 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy, or its replacement trophy (TBA). Second place receives — in anticipation of When We Can Get Together Again — What's That Smell? "The party game that stinks." It includes 48 "mystery whiff cards" plus four "stank cards" such as "hot chunky vomit" and "smothered in B.O." Incredibly, Loser Dave Prevar was able to find this item on the clearance rack. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punder-achiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "More Fall Foaliage" is by Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's online column will return next week. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . More fall foaliage: Winning 'grandfoals' Week 1405 was Part 2 of our special fall horse name "breeding" contest. First, in Week 1400, we asked you to "breed" any two names on a list of the year's Triple Crown nominees and name the foal; for example, the horse As Seen on TV was "bred" to Censored to produce the "foal" * een on TV. Then in Week 1405 we asked you to breed any two of the foals to make "grandfoals." 4th place: Arraign in Spain x Cardi O = Twerquemada (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) [LISTED AS HM IN PRINT BECAUSE OF A PRODUCTION ERROR BY THE EMPRESS.] 3rd place: Cuss and Make Up x St. Knickerless = Estee Lewder (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) 2nd place and the socks that look like fox paws: Two Corinthians x First Draft = Hi It's Paul Again (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Hello, Mother x House of Flusher = You Never Kohler (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) Ixneigh: Honorable mentions ** een on TV x Mad Don and Child = **es Seen on TV (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) AD Halls of Montezoom x * een on TV = Zooms of MontyHall (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Mayor Peat x * een on TV = ***igieg (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.) Amen Coroner x Arraign in Spain = IThinkSheShotIt! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) Amen Coroner x Art Corrector = More Titian (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Amen Coroner x Bone Spurious = Dead Over Heels (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Avoid x Cardi O = Bypass (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.) First Draft x Avoid = A-Version (Vinnie Perrone, Burtonsville, Md., a First Offender) Avoid x Lenooorrrrre! = Swipe Leffffttttt! (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Avoid x Saint Nick = Escape Claus (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) BAMboozle x Blame the Dog = Emeril LaGassy (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Halls of Montezoom x Sermonotonous = Bores of Tripoli (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) AD Belle of the Bald x KnowWellKnowWell = Yule Brainer (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) BigMisunderstandin x Fire at Will = Barred From Avon (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) BigMisunderstandin x Mad Don and Child = Tiff (Judith Wright, Indian Hills, Colo.) Blame the Dog x Avoid = Fartful Dodger (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Blame the Dog x Jarhead Kushner = Distemper Fi (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Blame the Dog x KnowWellKnowWell = Toto Recall (Mary Kappus, Washington) Bomb in Gilead x Amen Coroner = Embalm in Gilead (Chris Doyle) Bone Spurious x Flatley Denied = Tibia Not to Be (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Brazilianaire x Fraud Astaire = Wax On, Rip Off (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Cardi O x Hello, Mother = Heartburn (Vinnie Perrone, Burtonsville, Md.) Cuss and Make Up x Fertile Crescent = Cuss and Make Kids (Diana Oertel, San Francisco) AD Darth Wader x Arraign in Spain = Rogue Juan (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) Darth Wader x The Credible Hulk = Now on DisneyMinus (Andrew Hatziyannis, Rockville, Md.) Darth Wader x Fire at Will = I Am Your Fodder (Rob Wolf) Drool Runnings x Expialidocious = Droolie Andrews (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Drool Runnings x First Draft = JamaicanMeThirsty (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) Expialidocious x House of Flusher = Mary Ploppins (Chuck Helwig) Finnegans Woke x Fire at Will = Trigger Warning (Jonathan Jensen; Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Finnegans Woke x JamWow = PC & J (Laurie Brink) Fire at Will x Regret Later = Oops, It Wasn't Will (G.T. Bowman, Falls Church, Va.) First Draft x Amen Coroner = Last Writes (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) First Draft x Hello, Mother = Wear Your Sweater! (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) AD Fraud Astaire x Belle of the Bald = Ziegfeld Follicles (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) Fraud Astaire x Octopi Wall Street = Eight Left Feet (Richard Franklin) Goo-Google x Bomb in Gilead = Barney Rubble (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Goo-Google x Regret Later = What's 2Girls1Cup? (Laurie Brink) Hello, Mother x Fraud Astaire = Freud Astaire (Kim Martin, Greencastle, Pa.) Hello, Mother x Regret Later = Oedipus' Ex (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) Hello, Mother x Venus de Miler = Look Ma, No Hands! (Rob Wolf; Greg Dobbins) Hoosier Data? x Howls of Montezuma = IndyGestion (Rob Wolf) House of Flusher x Flatley Denied = Not a Clogger (Kevin Dopart, Washington) JamWow x * een on TV = HomeBoppingNetwork (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) JamWow x St. NaCl-less = Jammy Buffett (Laurie Brink) Jarhead Kushner x Howls of Montezuma = Lanced Corporal (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) AD KnowWellKnowWell x Bone Spurious = KnowWell Coward (John Winant, Annandale, Va.; Scott Straub, Winchester, Va.) KnowWellKnowWell x Regret Later = Nah, Just Deny It (Jeff Loren, Seattle) Kvetch-O-Matic x Cuss and Make Up = Marital Bliss (Carol Blauvelt, Manassas, Va., a First Offender) Kvetch-O-Matic x Stubble Genius = Bitchy & Scratchy (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Lenooorrrrre! x Sermonotonous = Snooorrrre! (Duncan Stevens) Little Bunny FU FU x Belle of the Bald = Hare Today . . . (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Little Bunny FU FU x Fraud Astaire = PeterCaughtInTale (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Mad Don and Child x Art Corrector = Mad Don Is Child (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.; Jonathan Paul) Manafort Knox x Little Bunny FU FU = Gold Finger (Matt Monitto) Octopi Wall Street x BAMboozle = Suckers (Janet Griffin, Madison, Wis.) AD Puttin'OnTheWrits x Little Bunny FU FU = The Torts & Hare (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Hello, Mother x Bomb in Gilead = Camp Grenade (Pamela Love) Anise-thesia x Flatley Denied = N"‚‚O Way, José (Laurie Brink) Bone Spurious x What'sYoursIsMayan = Chicken Itza (Mark Raffman; Laurie Brink) Dress to the Left x Fraud Astaire = Ballroom (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Dress to the Left x * een on TV = Dress to the Cleft (Tom Witte) Drool Runnings x Doris and Natasha = Spit Toon (Rick Haynes) Finnegans Woke x First Draft = MadeTooMuchSense (Laurie Brink) Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 9: our contest for tweaked names of charities. See wapo.st/invite1408. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1410, published November 15, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1410: Legends of the fall Tell us fake trivia about autumn. Plus winning acrostic poems on the news. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 12, 2020 at 9:38 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning acrostic poems about the news) In 1962, Jim Brown of the Cleveland Browns set the rushing record by a player with the same name as his team, breaking the one held by Edward Fortyniner. (Steve McClemons) While it's true that the Pilgrims' first Thanksgiving feast did not feature turkey, it did include venison, lobster, berries, squash and fortune cookies. (Chris Murphy) 97.2 percent of veterans who don their uniforms for Veterans Day pop at least half the buttons off. (Edward Gordon) It's The Style Invitational's fourth and final contest for fictoids about the seasons of the year. This week: Tell us some bogus trivia about autumn, or things that happen (or have happened) in autumn, as in the examples above from earlier fictoid contests on various themes. The fake facts should relate in some way to the season; don't just tack on, say, "On Oct. 15, 1966," to something that could have taken place any old time. One of the countless possible cling-sticker looks to adorn Dress-Up Squirrel, this week's second prize. One of the countless possible cling-sticker looks to adorn Dress-Up Squirrel, this week's second prize. AD Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1410 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Nov. 23; results will appear Dec. 13 in print, Dec. 10 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy, or its replacement trophy (TBA). Second place receives Dress-Up Squirrel, a laminated cardboard critter standing straight up so that you can dress him/her/them in a wondrous variety of 39 cling stickers, including men's and women's underthings, a Santa suit, an Easter Bunny headdress, leprechaun gear, a pearl necklace and, of course, a chain saw. Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Muse Bulletins" is by Chris Doyle; both Tom Witte and Jeff Contompasis offered the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. Timothy Schmalz's "Homeless Jesus" sculpture outside a church in Bay Village, Ohio. (news5cleveland.com) AD The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1410. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Muse bulletins: Acrostic poems on the news In Week 1406 we asked for acrostic poems, which vertically spell out a relevant word or name with the first letter of each line. While the poems had to be about the news, the Empress reminded our Loserbards that they were writing before the election, and that the results would run afterward. So many of them turned instead to some goshdarn amazing recent events that you might not have heard about. 4th place: Naked teen covered in ranch dressing crashes vehicle into Kansas gas station: Well, I've heard some strange tales, but this guy from Topeka Has got Florida Man beat — yup, he's even uneka! One small legal point, though — and it could prove quite pressing: Are you technically naked when covered in dressing? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place: Rainbow-stuffed Oreos provoke protest: One cookie's ignited a fight: "Rainbow filling? It's always been white! Every child will turn gay!" One Million Moms say. (Seems they hope that their kids are alt-right.) (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 2nd place and the beard-motif face mask: WATER ON THE MOON We've learned that there is water on the moon, At least a small amount bound up in glass. They think there's also ice in shadows strewn — Enough to help us live there? To grow grass? Run wild through lunar sprinklers, sail a yacht, Or maybe cast a line and catch a fish? Now will our space explorers have a shot To take a low-G bath and splash and splish? How nifty would it be to have a drink Extracted from some moon rocks? Oh, so cool! Might astronauts do dishes in the sink, Or dare to take a dive into a pool? Oh, what if after that first step so small, Neil's giant leap had been a cannonball? (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Vietnamese condom factory accused of recycling used prophylactics: AD HO CHI MAN Hounding out fraud in Hanoi, Officials uncovered a ploy: Cached condoms, though used and quite old, Had all been cleaned up and resold! In statements that furrowed some brows and Made news, they said three hundred thousand All sourced to one guy whose appliance Now, I guess, he'll be leaving to science. (Frank Osen) Vertically challenged: Honorable mentions "Library" misspelled on sign outside Indiana library: Let's all venture forth to the place with the stacks In those long, careful rows from their fronts to their backs, Books by the thousands, on topics galore, Religion, philosophy, science and more, Alphanumerically placed on the shelf. Reading is power! Empower yourself! Empower yourself to ignore what you see — Yes, I'm talking about the superfluous E. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Pumpkin pie spice recalled in salmonella scare: Say it isn't so, O Universe: As if the year had not been hard enough, Last month we got the news (what could be worse?) More danger lurked in once-delightful stuff! Of course we're speaking of that crucial thing Nogs, scones, and lattes take advantage of Each fall, to help assuage the season's sting; Long nights may loom, but this warm taste we love Lets us forget we'll soon be scraping ice. And yet . . . perhaps we'll skip the pumpkin spice. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) AD Pundit accidentally appears on Zoom while masturbating: I. CNN Internal Memo Just a brief note to all personnel Especially those of the male persuasion Frankly, we don't know why in the hell Further guidance is needed on such an occasion. There are some rules here at CNN (Other places you've worked may well have been lax). Our standards are high, we remind you again; Best keep this in mind as you plan your acts. Insist we must, or we'll lower the boom: No "consulting with Richard" when you're on Zoom. (David Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.) II. The teleconference he was in, One break he took for some self-sin. Oh, he must have been without his wits! Because when he resumed the call, In view were what would cause his fall: Naked — and in use — his private bits! Said New Yorker: "You're suspended." His career's been so upended! Off CNN; no airtime given him. Well, he vanished pre-election Simply for that stray erection! Then he dared asked for a synonym: "Oh, please change a word to describe my fate On TV and the media. It would be great..." Much remorse was flowing from his tongue. Understood, he did, the public chorus; Checked, then he did, with his thesaurus: "How about changing "suspended" to "hung"? (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) AD "Bear 747" wins Alaska park's fattest-bear contest: Fall is here; the time has come to vote; And bears know that it's time for them to bloat. Temps are dropping; there's no time to wait — Binge on salmon, then go hibernate. Every bear's in gastronomic heaven, And no one more than 747. Ripped the competition (which made sense): Seven-Forty-Sevens are immense! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) MASKLESS: Medically, dreadically Anthony Fauci says Stark-naked faces are Killing us, dude! Liberty? No, it's just Egocentricity! Stop being selfish or Soon we're all screwed. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Police called about a "homeless person" that was actually a sculpture of a sleeping Jesus: JESUS' BED Just walking by the churchyard, Encountering a bum; So strange to see one here now — Uptown is not a slum. Should I call in for backup? By gosh, this sure is odd; Exactly who is sleeping? Dear me — the son of God! (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) AD FCPS Fairfax County public schools Closed — on Zoom instead. Parents, teachers lack the tools. Students, bored of ed. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Trump rally appears to violate White House coronavirus task force recommendations: Shall I describe the sycophantic group Unmasked, and close together on the green? Particulates create miasmic soup, Each breath a likely vector, sight unseen. "Release the e-mails!" "Lock her up!" they shout, Such foulness in their thoughts and in their lungs Proliferating spittle all about, Regurgitating toxins with their tongues. Elated by the crowd, the vain buffoon Absorbing every drop they send his way, Digests them like a tangerine spittoon, Extending lockdown day by endless day. Regardless of which president we seat, Some viruses are harder to defeat. (Sarah Walsh) Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 16: our contest to drop letters from the middle of a song title. See wapo.st/invite1409. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1411, published November 22, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1411: The back end of a Bulwer Write a comically bad last sentence of a novel. Plus winning ads with unlikely pitchmen. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 19, 2020 at 9:51 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning ideas for ads from space and other unlikely venues) As he left, the captain flashed a smile — a wide, satisfied grin with lips parted a quarter-inch, the right corner of the mouth raised slightly above the left, and a dry lower lip slightly stuck to the teeth — that defied description. (Jay Shuck, Week 788) First the infarction, then the ambulance ride, now going under the knife, he drifted away under anesthesia, humming Celine Dion's tune "My Heart Will Go On." But it didn't. (Larry Miller) In the tradition of the Even Older Than the Style Invitational Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which has been seeking hilariously bad first sentences to a novel each year since 1982 (the 2020 winner: "Her Dear John missive flapped unambiguously in the windy breeze, hanging like a pizza menu on the doorknob of my mind," by Lisa Kluber), we offer the obvious variation, as we did back in 2008: Write a humorously awful final sentence or two to an imaginary novel, as in the examples above from our previous go at this. Given the season, holiday stories wouldn't be out of line. The Empress isn't going to count words, but don't go on forever: The first example is about 40 words and it's plenty long for us. AD Maxwell Matthews, 3, models this week's second prize. (No, you can't have her doll.) Maxwell Matthews, 3, models this week's second prize. (No, you can't have her doll.) (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1411 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Nov. 30; results appear Dec. 20 in print, Dec. 17 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy, or more likely its replacement trophy (TBA). Second place receives this really just too cute velvety dragon hat with all those velvety spikes down the back. While it's modeled here by the Empress's adorable 3-year-old neighbor Maxwell Matthews, the hat also fits an adult's head, or at least the E's. Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Ad Ribs" is by Roy Ashley; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Nov. 19, at wapo.st/conv1411. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Ad ribs: Product pitches from unlikely venues In Week 1407, inspired by NASA's efforts to bring in some bucks by offering to shill Estee Lauder moisturizer from the space station, we asked for some more ideas for ads from space — or from a prison, a football team, a kindergarten or the White House. 4th place: From space: Female astronaut: "Mine never sag up here, and yours won't sag down there — if you beat gravity with a Playtex bra." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 3rd place: From a kindergarten: "Elmer's Paste: It's what's for lunch." (Frank Mann, Washington) 2nd place and the plush urine beaker mascot: "Start your day with Breakfast Cereal, the official cereal of the Washington Football Team." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: From space: "A great void. We make it happen. Ex-lax." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) From ad to worse: Honorable mentions FROM SPACE AD An astronaut is floating outside the space station, looking at his giant watch. A small reentry vehicle floats up, and he jumps in. "Right on time!" he says. And away he whisks as the voice-over says, "Download the Uber app today." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) "Reactivate your docking station with Viagra." (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) "With Imodium, you'll never have to tell Houston you have a problem." (Frank Mann) For a brothel: "Open the bod-pay door." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) "Kohler is pleased to supply its new noise-canceling urinal for the International Space Station. Because in space, no one wants to hear your stream." (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) FROM A FOOTBALL TEAM The Washington Football Team for Pepperidge Farm: "Trust us, nobody knows more about turnovers." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) AD New York Giants: "Garmin GPS: The only way we can find the end zone." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) "After every third down, we on the Washington Football Team like to kick back with a bottle of our official sports drink — yep, it's time again for another Punt." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Washington Football Team: "Do you fumble with your condom? Afraid the play is over before you're prepared? Use ReadySkins, with the easy-open package!"(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) "More hits, less brain trauma: Download Spotify." (Kevin Dopart) FROM A KINDERGARTEN "Bota Box chardonnay: The juice box for mommies" (Bird Waring). A photo of a kindergarten class. All the tots are all well scrubbed and smiling, except for one scruffy little guy who's giving the finger to the camera. Tagline: "When you're looking for that talented maverick, call ZipRecruiter." (Jon Ketzner) AD FROM A PRISON Warden in prison corridor: "With Verizon Wireless, your cell will get even more bars than theirs." (Kevin Dopart) Massive riot. Officer is in the control room with his feet up, wearing headphones and smiling. "With the Bose patented noise-canceling system, you'll never know that all hell broke loose." (Frank Mann) "When you carve a pistol out of soap, a rich, solid coat of black isn't just a fashion statement. That's why I use Kiwi shoe polish." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) "When you're in for armed robbery, you need things that will last. Good thing my Accutron watch is guaranteed for 20 years. Accutron: Nobody does time better." (Jonathan Jensen; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Medtronic endoscopes: "If it's in there, we'll find it." (Kevin Dopart) Association of public schools: "Next time, fund us instead." (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) AD "Having trouble taking it off? Come to beautiful San Quentin, California, to lose those unwanted pounds in a highly supervised, temptation-free environment. Failure is NOT an option!" (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) FROM THE WHITE HOUSE Is your child impulsive? Unable to focus? Out of control? Ask your doctor if Ritalin can help. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) Wearing sunglasses, the new president smiles his signature smile, and it's so bright, everyone around him has to put on sunglasses also. Voice-over: Colgate — because we're all going to be smiling a lot more these days. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 23: our contest for bogus trivia about autumn. See wapo.st/invite1410. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1412, published November 29, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1412: Jumble bells Anagram a song title or line. Plus winning alterations of charity names. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 25, 2020 at 10:19 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning tweaks on charity names) "Deck the halls with boughs of holly" anagrams to SHH! HOBOS HOG THE FULLY CLAWED KILT! This week's contest comes at the suggestion of Longtime Loser Matt Monitto, who'll be posting his usual "Advent calendar" of one-a-day holiday songs on Facebook — but instead of announcing the title each day, he'll be offering up an anagram of a line from the song. This week: Rearrange all the letters in a song title, or a line (or more if you dare!) from a song, as in the example above, thought up by Our Bob Staake Himself. Optional: Offer a parody of the original tune (or a few lines of it) that refers to the new title; this will be especially useful if you anagram a short title — say "Shingle Tint" for "Silent Night" — and 25 other people send in the same one. Include the original title or text — spelled correctly, so that your anagram makes sense — or the Empress will be Scrooge-scowly. Make sure your anagram is valid by using the Anagram Checker at wordsmith.org/anagram (then click "Checker"). This contest is open to all songs, but we hope we'll have at least a few holiday tunes to run on Christmas weekend. Perfect for festive social-distancing: The Empress in this week's second prize. Perfect for festive social-distancing: The Empress in this week's second prize. (Mark Holt) AD Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1412 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Dec. 7; results appear Dec. 27 in print, Dec. 24 online. Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy, or more likely its replacement trophy (TBA). Second place receives this holiday essential: a headdress of inflatable reindeer antlers that serve as a ringtoss game. The Empress herself wore this fashion statement at the last Style Invitational Post-Holiday Party, back in January, which feels like some previous century where people stood next to one another and schmoozed. Obtained by the Royal Consort at an office (ditto) gift swap (dittoditto). Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Go Fun Me" is by Beverley Sharp; William Kennard and Jon Gearhart both suggested the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late afternoon, Nov. 25, at wapo.st/conv1412. New "You're Invited" podcast episode: An interview with Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, who dominated the Invite in the early days. It's a great listen. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Go Fun Me: Tweaked charity names from Week 1408 In Week 1408 we asked you to tweak the name of a charity or other nonprofit, and describe the new cause. 4th place: Big Bothers of America: Help support our much-maligned telemarketers and bots! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3rd place: GUNICEF: Please donate now to provide firearms to underprivileged children around the world. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) 2nd place and the Froot Loops socks: Wounded Worrier Project: Funds physical therapy for those whose hands have been injured by too much wringing. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: The "Not Your" Conservancy: We protect the lands and waterfront properties of rich folks everywhere. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) The March of Dims: Honorable mentions American Association of Pretired Persons: For work-weary souls under 50. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) AD American Lunk Association: Our best-selling T-shirt, "Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat," has saved countless lives with its simple reminder. (Jon Gearhart) American KidMe Foundation: Remember us with your support every April Fools' Day. (Martha Powers, Lake Frederick, Va., a First Offender) American Sybil Liberties Union: Defending all your individuals' rights. (John Bauer, Gaithersburg, Md.; Barry Herman, Laurel, Md.) Auntie Defamation League: "That's not true! Her fruitcake IS edible!" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Bitter Business Bureau: Where companies can vent about their crummy customers since 1987. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Brave the Children: Association of Day Care Center Employees. (Jack McBroom, Williamsburg, Va.) Capitol Food Bank: Providing healthy meals to undeserved members of Congress. (John Klayman, Fairfax, Va. a First Offender) AD Cher, Our Strength: Devoted to promoting the philosophy and wisdom of the Goddess of Pop. (Jeff Contompasis) Combined Federal Pain: Helps citizens deal with anxiety stemming from all three branches of government. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Easter's Eels: Group dedicated to replacing lamb with unagi for a holiday meal. (John McCooey) Fake a Wish Foundation: Helping sick children meet their favorite celebrity — well, impersonator. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.; Jon Gearhart) Future Harmers of America: Help us continue the work of the past four years! (Andrew Rosenberg, New York) Girl Scots of America: Try our newest cookie flavor, Haggis-tastic! (Hannah Seidel) Hefner International: Provides bunnies to Third World farmers. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) Heftier International: Bringing America's overeating habits to the hungry of the world. (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.) AD International Red Croissant: Airlifting much-needed French pastries into disaster zones. (Francesca Huemer Kelly, Highland Park, Ill.) Keister Seals: Providing resources to keep blowhards from talking out of their butts. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) March of Mimes: "!" (Jeffrey Schamis, Washington) 4-F Council: Providing solace to those with bone spurs. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.; Zachary Levine, Rockville, Md.) March of Dames: Raising funds to defeat misogynists. Motto: Grab them by the pushke*! (Beryl Benderly, Washington) Yiddish for a charity collection box. Parrots Without Partners: Supporting the Polly-amorous among us. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Save the Chilled Wren: Knitting sweaters for our feathered friends since 1997. (Ellen Oakes, Severna Park, Md., a First Offender) AD Shave the Children: Depilatories for needy were-tots. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) Spleen Actors Guild: Emoting our guts out since 1933. (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) The College Bored: Creator of the Scholastic Indifference Test (SIT), which tests a student's college readiness for an 8 a.m. 90-minute lecture class taught by an inexperienced grad student who is just reading the professor's notes. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) The Pew-Pew-Pew! Charitable Trusts: Protecting every child's right to use a stick as a laser gun. (Ben Shouse, Silver Spring, Md.; Barry Herman) The Salivation Army: When they ring those bells on the street corner, you'll find yourself compelled to give! (Ken Kaufman, Derwood, Md.; Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) The See Error Club: International Society for Grammar Pedants. Well, actually it's just the North American division, and it also includes punctuation pedantry. (Frank Mann, Washington) AD World Mildlife Fund: Committed to protecting pet guinea pigs and hamsters. (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) Environmental Suspense Fund: Betting on natural disasters before they occur. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Doctors Without Orders: Providing non-judgmental "health care" to overweight couch-potato smokers. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) I Halve a Dream: Helping America's youth set attainable goals. (Jon Gearhart) People for Edible Treatment of Animals: Promoting the meat tenderizer industry. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) The Untied Way: Helping hard-working Americans untangle their ear buds, garden hoses, and Christmas lights. (Frank Mann) And Last: Make-a-Wit Foundation: If you send me some cash, I'll put your name on my next inking entry! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 30: our contest for bad endings to a novel. See wapo.st/invite1411. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1413, published December 6, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1413: We're finna give you some new words Write a funny poem with one of these. Plus fun with song titles. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Dec. 3, 2020 at 10:25 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning truncated song titles) I gave my vote at first to greige: A blend, it seems, of grey and beige, But also — in a span so brief! Communicating rage and grief. My fave's now favipiravir, Which won't let covid doom us! No link with fava, let's be clear: It's medicine, not hummus. — Julia Griffin In a year that's transformed our lives so greatly that you can't watch a Christmas romcom without shuddering at the lack of social distancing in the tinkling sleigh, it's not surprising that our language has changed as well. And of course our pals at Merriam-Webster are on the case. Below is a list of some of the words and phrases (including new usages for existing ones) added this year to the dictionary at m-w.com, along with a link to each full definition. This week: Write a poem of eight lines or fewer featuring one or more of these terms, as in the two-part example above by Julia Griffin, queen of Light magazine's topical Poems of the Week at lightpoetrymagazine.com. AD The first Clowning Achievement trophy, replacing the Lose Cannon, goes to 27-time winner Frank Osen. The first Clowning Achievement trophy, replacing the Lose Cannon, goes to 27-time winner Frank Osen. The terms must be used as they're defined in the new m-w.com listing; e.g., "novel" needs to mean "not previously identified," not only "new and fresh" or "what I will definitely write one of these days." You may use a closely related form of the word, like a plural or adverb. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1413 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Dec. 14; results appear Jan. 3 in print, Dec. 31 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, the new Style Invitational trophy that we introduce today. The sorry-faced bozo replaces the Lose Cannon, which got its name from a Trumply spelled Trump tweet about Hillary Clinton; like its inspiration, it's been with us since 2017 and we'd think it's high time to put it behind us. There will be only 100 Clowning Achievements, since that's how many "retired" little clown heads the Empress was able to score from some craft shop's online clearance sale. Based on an idea by Loser Kevin Dopart. AD Second place wins a box of Clamdy Canes — yup, clam-flavored candy canes. They're a holly jolly yucky ucky greige and white. Donated by Loser Edward Gordon. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Deck the Ha(ll)s" is by Jeff Contompasis; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1413. AD New "You're Invited" podcast episode: An interview with Hall of Fame Loser Jeff Contompasis, who tells how he changed his Invite approach after getting no ink for eight years. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . DECK THE HAllS: THE SHORTENED SONG TITLES OF WEEK 1409 In Week 1409 the Empress asked the Losers to drop one or more letters from the middle of a song title. Half a dozen people offered EVERY BreATH YOU TAKE — "I'll be washing you"; numerous others suggested YESterDAY — "every day in the Trump White House." 4th place: DON'T LET ME dOWN: John Lennon's little-known first song to contain the lyric "Imagine no possessions . . ." (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) 3rd place: SleIGH RIDE: A song about the long drive home after Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) 2nd place and the game What's That Smell?: I'M SO EXcITED: "I'm about to lose control, and I don't like it." — You Know Who (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the first winner of the Clowning Achievement: MArGAritaville: "Don't know the reasons We chose this Four Seasons — Since when have they had a horse manure aisle? But I can't be moody 'Cause my name is Rudy And I also came here to sell you a pile." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) B(all)ADS: Honorable mentions HELLo, GOODBYE: "So long, 2020, this song's for you!" (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.; Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) AD HEART LIKE A wHEEL: Trump gets his cardiology report. "So strong!" (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) I WOULD WALK 5oO MILES: Honestly, I'm just not that into you. (Seamus O'Connor, Springfield, Va., a First Offender) DON'T FEAR THE REApeR: The first-draft title for "Baby Got Back." (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.; Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) I FEEL PrETTY: Trump's Song of Spite, sung to Alexander Vindman, Mark Esper, etc. "It's delicious how vicious I feel!" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 96 tEARS: After getting bored with the hot dog eating contest, Joey Chestnut tries corn on the cob. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 500 MilES: What the president gleefully sang after having mirrors installed throughout the White House. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) TWIsT AND SHOUT: The Secret Service reveals its code names for Don Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle. (Duncan Stevens) AD ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS I s yOU: Lament of the January credit card statement. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) BRUsH, UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE: A millennial's rejection of high culture. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) DON't BE CRUEL: The only rock song Fred Trump let his son listen to. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) COUNTry 'TIL I DIE: Trump's post-election theme song. (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) I GOT YOU bABE: "I got way more popular votes than Lincoln ever did. Not even close! He only got a measly 2 million!" (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md., a First Offender) WON'T GET FOOleD AGAIN: Roger Daltrey puts his foot down after his bandmates don't chip in for the burgers and fries he picked up at Wendy's. (Larry Gomberg, Lake Frederick, Va.) IT'S THE MOST WOnderful time of thE YEAR: A remake of "We Didn't Start the Fire," but it's all from 2020. (David Peckarsky) AD DON'T GO BreAKING MY HEART: Clarice's song in "The Silence of the Lambs: The Musical." (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) DISCo INFERNO: Burn, baby, burn! An ode to back pain. (Madelyn Rosenberg, Arlington, Va.) FOR-BIDdEN FRUIT: The Peach State turns blue. (Frank Osen) BOOGIE WOOGIE BUGle BOY: Swingin' theme for "Metamorphosis: The Movie." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) LA baMBA: Ritchie Valens's last single before he went to business school. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) GOD bLESS AMERICA: Anthem of the U.S. Atheist Society. (Susanne Pierce Dyer, Suisun City, Calif.; Neal Starkman, Seattle) GOD, bLESS AMERICA: The new U.N. theme song/ardent plea. (Seamus O'Connor) MamE: "My special fascination'll/ Prove to be inspirational! / I think I'm just sensational, me!" (Gary Crockett) GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE f UN: Teens moon over the North Korean leader. "Love his tests, each megaton!/We girls, we wanna have Un." (Duncan Stevens) AD RESPECt YOURSELF: The theme of the Gender Confirmation Surgeons of America. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) RETURN TO SEnDER: "I filled a goblet for Elijah / Left it by the door / Bright and early next evening / He came back for more." (Josh Feldblyum) PAPA WAS A rollin' stONE: But go figure — Mama was a 10. (Byron Miller, Cobble Hill, B.C.) JOHNNY B. goODE: Deep down inside the ol' swamp up in Washington, Ensconced inside the White House, he's brainwashing Don. He's showing how, in '53, a war Seoul won Convincing him to go again is John Bol-ton. For as the years go by his tune remains the same: "What if we gave a war and everybody came?" (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) ALL THE YOUNG DUDeS: A song about Tinder and Bumble. (B-side: I WANNA BE seDATED). (Mark Raffman) BIG GREEN trACTOR: Casting call for the title role of "Shrek." (Bill Hilton, Sebring, Fla.) AD WHAT child IS THIS? The Empress, once again, fails to understand my sense of humor. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) DING-DONG! THE WITch IS DEAD: The headline on the eventual final column of The Style Invitational (Chris Doyle) Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 7: our contest for anagrams of a title or line of a song. See wapo.st/invite1412. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. This week's terms, with links to the full definition, etymology, etc., at m-w.com: anti-vax or anti-vaccination body-shame or fat-shame: to criticize or mock (someone) for supposed bodily faults or imperfections bombogenesis : rapid intensification of a storm caused by a sudden and significant drop in atmospheric pressure canna: Entry 2: containing cannabis chef de cuisine: a chef who manages a professional kitchen corona: informal term for covid-19 cryosphere: the part of the earth's surface characterized by the presence of frozen water, as in the ice fields of Antarctica and Greenland CV or CV-19: abbreviation for covid-19 dark web: websites that cannot be found on search engines or browsers and usually are encrypted deepfake: an image or recording that has been convincingly doctored to show someone doing or saying something that was not actually done or said drifting: driving a car through a controlled skid; a sport in which this is done fan art: unofficial art depicting characters from fictional works fast-casual: describing restaurants whose food is more sophisticated than fast food but take orders at the counter (e.g., Chipotle, Chopt, Taylor Gourmet) favipiravir: an antiviral drug finna: ("fixing to"), slang for intending Friendsgiving: a Thanksgiving dinner among friends greige: grayish beige — or beigeish gray herd immunity: when enough of a community has become immune from a disease that it's unlikely to spread hydroxychloroquine: a treatment for malaria and not a cure for covid-19 iatrophobia: intense fear of doctors nosocomephobia. . .of hospitals tomophobia: . . . of surgery melissophobia: ... of bees impostor syndrome: when a successful person is convinced that he's really a hack and a fraud and everyone is going to find out juicery: a food outlet that specializes in juices microtarget: to tailor advertising to highly specific groups of people, often using data found from individual social-media activity novel: not previously identified; covid-19 is a novel coronavirus Paleo diet: a diet consisting of what people ate before the development of farming physical distance: a greater than usual distance kept between people to prevent spreading a disease PPE: personal protective equipment, worn to prevent spreading or catching a disease shelter in place: to remain in one's current location (often under order) until a particular danger has passed slow-walk: to delay or prevent the progress of (something) by acting in a deliberately slow manner, as in to slow-walk asylum applications at the border thirsty: for attention, approval, etc. (Definition 2b) trendspotter: well, it's someone who spots trends, as in what fashion-forward people are wearing truthiness: "a truthful or seemingly truthful quality that is claimed for something not because of supporting facts or evidence, but because of a feeling that it is true or a desire for it to be true." As coined by Stephen Colbert in 2005. upskill: to acquire or provide more advanced skills through additional education and training useful idiot: a naive person who can be manipulated or exploited to advance a cause or political agenda. Lenin used this term for dupes of the Soviets. WFH: working from home zedonk or zonkey: a hybrid zebra-donkey ====================================================================== WEEK 1414, published December 13, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1414: Divining comedy — the year in preview Give us humorous predictions for 2021. And see our totally false facts about autumn. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Dec. 10, 2020 at 9:55 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the fictoids about fall) Jan. 20: At the inauguration, Trump's attempt to rush the stage and be sworn in instead is thwarted when Kanye West gets there first. June 13: In an effort to appeal to younger citizens, President Biden announces his new infrastructure plan via TikTok dance. July 23: The Olympic caldron-lighting is interrupted by a crazed Rudy Giuliani, who claims the fire is being fueled by thousands of stolen Trump ballots. Among other developments, last December the Loser Community predicted the following: (a) that the "Redskins" would draft three punters in the first round, for their primary offensive play; (b) that, in lieu of the U.S. Olympic team, the United States would be represented in Tokyo by Rudy Giuliani; and (c) that Mike Pence would acknowledge that he was gray. When Hallmark does poop, it is sparkly poop. This week's second prize. When Hallmark does poop, it is sparkly poop. This week's second prize. AD We just didn't have enough imagination, I guess, for 2020. So as we rush to bring out our new wall calendar as if it will magically shut the door on the woes filling every square of this one, let's give it our annual try: Name some humorous news event to happen in 2021, as in the examples above by Longtime Loser Malcolm Fleschner, who used to write his own Years in Preview in a newspaper column back when more newspapers had columns. Include a date for the event only if it's relevant to the joke (feel free to explain why); otherwise the Empress will add an arbitrary one to fill out the calendar. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1414 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Dec. 21; results appear Jan. 10 in print, Jan. 7 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins — just in time to be too late for Christmas — a genuine Hallmark brand Poop Emoji ornament — but it's not your American standard variety: This one is Sparkle Swirl: it's in iridescent rainbow colors, and caked with glitter (you mean yours doesn't glitter?). Donated by Poop Emoji Prize Donor Jeff Contompasis. We'll even throw in some Rainbow Poop Emoji lip balm ("Doo-lightful!"). AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Fallsities" was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Kevin Dopart; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Dec. 10, at wapo.st/conv1414. The "You're Invited" podcast: Seven half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Fallsities: Fake trivia about autumn from Week 1410 In our fourth contest in the past year for bogus trivia about the seasons, we got around to fall in Week 1410. Many Losers told about that one other Spice Girl, Pumpkin Spice. 4th place: The number of rings around the cranberry sauce indicates how many years it was in the pantry. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 3rd place: Fall cicadas emerge around Nov. 1 each year. You probably haven't noticed them because their humming sounds exactly like leaf blowers. (Erik Devereux, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) 2nd place and the Dress-Up Squirrel: President Eisenhower replaced Armistice Day with Veterans Day after wife Mamie complained that it sounded like "our mistress day," an unfortunate reminder of Ike's alleged wartime dalliance. (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: In September 1864 — immediately after Gen. Sherman telegraphed Lincoln, "Atlanta is ours, and fairly won" — Robert E. Lee declared that the Confederacy had won the Civil War. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Least o' fall: Honorable mentions At the current exchange rate, Canadian fall colours are only 76 percent as beautiful as U.S. fall colors. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) AD The Munich Oktoberfest makes more money on pay toilets than it does on beer. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Botanists concur that trees can communicate with each other and that they all agreed to drop their leaves in your yard. (Chris Yahnke, Stevens Point, Wis., a First Offender) Historians now believe that President Lincoln gave a much longer speech at Gettysburg in November 1863, but people little noted nor long remembered what he said. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va,) September is named in honor of the septum. Before it was invented, everyone just had one big floppy nostril. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) At the first Thanksgiving, Native Americans and Pilgrims feasted on North American tofurkey. The bird proved so popular that it was hunted out of existence, and now we have to make do with cheap foreign hybrids. (Roy Ashley, Washington) AD Black Friday's origins date to ancient Rome, where after the Feast of the Turcia, plebes would line up outside Maximus Buy for a clay tablet and fight each other to the death. (Joe McManus, Silver Spring, Md.) Nov. 26, 2020, will henceforth be known as Covidsgiving Day. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) If a weasel sees its shadow on a golf course in November, that means six more weeks of denial. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) In an attempt to sow divisiveness among Americans, Russian operatives infiltrated the U.S. food industry in the early 2000s, introducing a large range of pumpkin-spiced products. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) In France, trick-or-treaters get cigarettes. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) It takes up to eight months to train a cable to knit a sweater. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) AD It's predicted that by 2025, 30 percent of those who celebrate Cyber Monday and Giving Tuesday will also observe Ransomware Wednesday. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) On its return voyage to England, the Mayflower was stocked with Thanksgiving leftovers. (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Botanists at a leading university once developed an oak tree that would not shed its leaves, but production efforts were stymied through intense lobbying of Congress by the National Garden Rake Association. (David Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.) Pumpkin Chunkin, a competition of hurling pumpkins across fields with a catapult, is based on the ancient Saxon practice of shooting back the heads of their enemies, originally known as Noggin Floggin. (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) Purists still insist on using the term "maizeucopia." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) AD Starting next Thanksgiving, police in Montgomery County will set up tryptophan checkpoints to catch drivers who are overly drowsy from turkey consumption. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) The first Thanksgiving meal was nearly ruined by a wild cat. Which is why we have the tradition of Someone Beating the Lions before Thanksgiving dinner. (former Detroiter Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) The Jamestown settlers faced starvation in the fall of 1609 until Pocahontas told them she had a plan for that. (Steve Smith) The Marine Corps Marathon, run every October, has a drill sergeant stationed at each of the last 10 miles to encourage lagging runners by barking "You better not die, maggot!" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) When daylight saving time ends in November, all of the saved daylight is gathered up and stored in a small zip-lock bag at the National Weather Service. (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) AD There were no turkeys in Massachusetts in 1621. Actually, the first Thanksgiving's main dish was ganducken, a male goose stuffed with a mallard. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) While schoolchildren are taught that the Pilgrims left England in search of religious freedom, they also left because, according to one account, "King Jamef waf alwayf up in our bufyneff and unmatched in his defyre for mycromanagyng." (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) In rural Tuscany, the land of Rudy Giuliani's ancestors, harvest time used to be so grueling that farmers toiled until the hair dye ran down their faces. (Duncan Stevens) While the venue was widely viewed as a comical mistake, Rudy Giuliani's scheduling assistant knew that 54.3 percent of Trump supporters shopped for shrubs and sex toys in early November. (Doug Montgomery, North Potomac, Md.) The fall term at Rod Stewart's tony boarding school did not begin until Oct. 1. (Steve Smith) Masquerading as a news broadcast, the 1938 Halloween radio drama "War of the Worlds" caused panicked citizens to flee their homes. Fortunately this was the last time that large numbers of people were wildly misled by fake news. (Jonathan Jensen) "Trick-or-treating" originated in a Berlin brothel, where the madam offered patrons either the usual fare or an apple strudel. (Steve Fahey) For the past four years autumn leaves in the United States have been redder than usual and redder than leaves in other countries; botanists have concluded it is due to embarrassment. (Gary Crockett) When Gunpowder Plot supporters sought leniency "for Fawkes' sake" in November 1605, little did they know it would become a maxim of exasperation for generations to come. (Steve Smith) Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 14: our contest for short poems featuring this year's new dictionary words. See wapo.st/invite1413. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1415, published December 20, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1415: The Year in Redo, Part 1 Enter any of 25 Invite contests from early this year. Plus winning bad-novel endings. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Dec. 17, 2020 at 9:59 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning bad-novel endings — or bad novel-endings) From Week 1371, new words from ScrabbleGrams "racks": AAAJMPS > PAJASM: The "ohhh" moment that comes from getting out of your work clothes and putting on your warmest PJs on a cold evening. (Jeff Hazle) From Week 1360, fake facts about winter: Due to climate change, mushers at the 2020 Iditarod must provide their own snow. (Stephen Dudzik) From Week 1385, puns on place names: Belchum: Famed for its deeply satisfying beer. (Dave Shombert) Wouldn't you like to call a do-over on 2020? Go back to February, have the president put on a mask and implore everyone to wear one and stay away from other people for three straight weeks, screen every person coming in on a plane, and then get on with the year? Never-Nixoners? From the 1968 campaign, this week's second prize. Never-Nixoners? From the 1968 campaign, this week's second prize. Even the Empress can't do that, but she can give you a do-over on The Style Invitational of 2020. In Part 1 of our annual retrospective, we'll cover 25 Invite contests from last December to early June, a period that includes new-word contests, song parodies, Amazon reviews for everyday products, cartoon captions, and "foal breeding" between two Kentucky Derby winners, plus some one-offs like pickup lines for various professions, and stupid questions in These Challenging Times. AD This week: Enter (or reenter) any Style Invitational contest from Week 1360 through 1387, except for Weeks 1361-1363, which are last year's retrospectives plus the 2019 Year in Preview. You may enter multiple contests as long as you don't submit more than 25 entries in all. See descriptions and links for all the old contests, plus more important details, in this week's Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1415 (published late Thursday afternoon, Dec. 17). Please begin each entry with "Week [XXXX]" plus a brief ID of the contest your entry is for (e.g., "Week 1377, quarantine activities"). If you don't subscribe to The Post, email me at pat.myers@washpost.com and, after I ask you why the heck not, I'll give you alternative directions. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1415 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Dec. 28; results appear Jan. 17 in print, Jan. 14 online. AD Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a genuine "Republicans for McCarthy" button from the ultraliberal Democrat's 1968 presidential campaign, an effort to get Wisconsin GOPers to switch primaries. Donated by Loser Steve Smith in a fit of crazed altruism. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "The Book Stops Here" is by Tom Witte; Kevin Dopart and Jesse Frankovich each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Dec. 17, at wapo.st/conv1415. AD The "You're Invited" podcast: Seven half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . The book stops here: Bad novel endings from Week 1411 In Week 1411 the Empress asked for a bad final sentence or two to a novel, a counterpart to the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for bad opening sentences. Dave Airozo's parody of the opening of "1984" was too good for a magnet: "It was high noon on a bright, cold January 20, 2021, and the clocks were once again striking twelve." 4th place: I gave her a kiss on the cheek and turned to leave, not in a full 180-degree turn but about 150 degrees, since that's where my car was parked. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) 3rd place: And now it can be revealed: This is NOT my real autobiography. I made it all up — GOTCHA! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 2nd place and the adorable dragon hat: And I only am escaped alone to tell thee . . . but I will tell thee not until thou callest me Ishmael, dammit! I asked thee to do that many, many pages ago. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: The last thing I saw before the prison bars clanged shut was my mother's face, weeping for her lost child, though after the prison bars clanged shut I could still see her face, just with big stripes of bars through it, and I felt tears run down my own cheeks too, leaving trails like bars down my face. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) Rear endings: Honorable mentions And in the end, Rupert never answered the question to his own satisfaction — was it really the sweet smell of success, or had he just eaten asparagus? (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.) AD And in the next instant, the duke's head rolled away from the chopping block like a bowling ball that happened to have nose- and ear-shaped lumps on it. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And then it hit him. It should have been obvious from the start: They were never worn because the kid had a second pair in the same size! (Seth Tucker, Washington) And thus America perished, by the evil actions of a few, by the inaction of the many, and by the worldwide conspiracy of the giant squid. (David Young, Falmouth, Mass.) "Ah, as a child on the farm, I lost my hand — and my brother — in a horrible thresher accident . . . but the doctors were able to attach his undamaged hand to my mangled arm, so now I have TWO left hands, so, yes, in fact I am the Foggy Bottom Stabber!" (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) AD So as it turned out it was neither the best of times nor the worst of times. I'd say the times were about average, maybe a 6 if I'm feeling generous? (Gary Crockett) And with this final sentence, I have completed the Great American Novel, of which I am as proud of writing as you are no doubt grateful for having had the opportunity of reading. You are most welcome. (Tom Witte) As Inspector Katz spoke, tension in the room rose like the mercury in a rectal thermometer. "The butler did it," Katz revealed. "Case closed." And, like what will now happen with the book you are holding, dear reader, it was. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) As the plane sputtered its final sputter, Amelia turned to an ashen Noonan and chuckled, "The real devil of it, Freddy, is that everyone's gonna wonder what happen to Amelia Earhart but nobody's gonna give a hoot about you." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) AD At the final stop, Santa sat back and looked at the single lump in the stocking. "Well, he did promise to bring back the coal industry." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) But my end will not be my beginning, as I think I explained at some length in Chapters 3-10. (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) Feeling empty as bowels after a pre-colonoscopy prep, Mariah cried out, "No, that's NOT all I want!" And with a pout, she admitted that Eartha had been right all along. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) "I love you," she said lovingly. "Thank you," he said thankfully. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) I'll never forget that summer, partaking in her wonders but foolishly taking her for granted until one day she was gone as suddenly as she had arrived, like the McRib from McDonald's menu. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) AD He could not lie: He loved Big Butts. (Dave Airozo) Lucky Jim's watch, so befittingly, was still ticking — and as he crawled from the smoking wreckage of the 747, he noted with a grin that he might yet be able to catch his 1:30 connection to Dallas. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Steve envisioned the road ahead and saw a never-ending parade of challenges, potholes, confusing road signs, and squashed possums. (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) It was as if he'd sleepwalked into someone else's dream about a person who was dreaming, until that person awoke and discovered that the second person was still asleep but was now dreaming that he'd woken up. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) While the gullible masses have fallen for this version of events, only the truly astute reader will have determined the true killer's identity. If you believe you are among the select few, send your guess, along with $29.99, to Box 2782 . . . (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) AD "Do you think this ending is too meta?" I asked my editor. As she nodded her head to signify yes, I said, "Thanks for your input, but it's my book." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) At last alone with Susie, with no constraints, nor any misunderstandings about their mutual passion for each other, he slowly began to you-know-what, and soon she obliged with the kind of reciprocal action one might expect in return, followed by increasing yet always accurate estimations of what each other might enjoy, and after what most would likely deem a lengthy span of time, their interplay culminated in a decidedly not unsatisfactory fashion. (Tom Witte) And Last: He tapped "Send," fearing he'd only embarked on another pointless journey, until a wave of optimism hit him, and he realized, "Heck, the Empress has always thought my entries were hilariously bad." (Frank Osen) Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 20: Help build our Year in Preview timeline for 2021. See wapo.st/invite1414. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1416, published December 27, 2020 Style Invitational Week 1416: The Year in Redo, Part 2 Enter (or reenter) any of 24 recent contests. Plus winning song anagrams. Bob Staake for The Washington Post Bob Staake for The Washington Post By Pat Myers Dec. 23, 2020 at 10:01 a.m. EST Add to list(Click here to skip down to the inking song title/lyric anagrams) F-fluent: What a lot of tots have become after learning new vocabulary at home from their stressed-out parents. (Dan Helming, Week 1391, for new words that don't contain C, O, V, I or D) If 2020 were a Christmas tree, Charlie Brown would look at it and say, "Let's get the big shiny pink one instead." (Matt Monitto, Week 1398) "Downton Abbey" updated for 2020: Lord and Lady Grantham struggle with the challenges created by social distancing — especially dressing themselves. (Jonathan Jensen, Week 1403) This week we continue our 2020 do-over (oh, yes, Lord, please) with a second chance on any — or all — of 25 recent contests, including limericks, cartoon captions, foal names, fake trivia, up to this week's song anagrams. What says "2020" better than a face mask in a festive Dumpster Fire print? This week's second prize, handmade by Loser Rebekah Bundang. What says "2020" better than a face mask in a festive Dumpster Fire print? This week's second prize, handmade by Loser Rebekah Bundang. This week: Enter (or reenter) any Style Invitational contest from Week 1388 through 1412. You may enter multiple contests as long as you don't submit more than 25 entries in all. AD See descriptions and links for all the old contests, plus more important details, in this week's Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1416 (published late afternoon Wednesday, Dec. 22). Please begin each entry with "Week [xxxx]" plus a brief ID of the contest your entry is for (e.g., "Week 1402, 14-point Scrabble words"). If you don't subscribe to The Post, email me at pat.myers@washpost.com and, after I ask you why the heck not, I'll give you alternative directions. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1416 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Jan. 4; results appear Jan. 24 in print, Jan. 21 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a face mask in Dumpster Fire print cotton, handmade by Loser Rebekah Bundang. Lovely and appropriate as it is, let's hope it won't be needed all that far into 2021. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Let's Do the Twist" is by Jon Gearhart; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late afternoon Wednesday, Dec. 23, at wapo.st/conv1416. A new "You're Invited" podcast episode: Mike Gips interviews 750-time Loser Beverley Sharp, who gained a new, somewhat secret identity with the Invite. See it and seven previous episodes at bit.ly/invite-podcast. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Let's do the twist: Anagrammed songs from Week 1412 In Week 1412 the Empress offered up a choice of anagram challenges involving songs: (a) Choose a line, or even multiple lines, from a song and rearrange all the letters; or (b) anagram the song's title and, optionally, give the revised title some parody lyrics. Today's winner goes a giant step further: It rearranges all three verses of the carol "Away in a Manger" — that's 432 individual letters in its 116 words — into the rhyming poem below. 4th place: It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas anagrams to I AM GOING, LIKE, "NO THANKS! IT'S STILL OCTOBER!" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 3rd place: Carol of the Bells = CHOLESTEROL FLAB See how the fat, soft belly fat, Seems to appear when winter's here. Not getting out, just getting stout, Skin getting white, pants getting tight. AD Watching the game, always the same, Nachos and beer sure to appear. Large pizza, please, with extra cheese, No, that won't do — we'll order two. Can't ride a bike, can't take a hike, Burgers and fries, no exercise. Parties are fun, food by the ton, Eggnog and booze, can't see my shoes. Very very very very listless! Very very very very listless! Step on the scale, face turning pale, So out of shape, big hulking ape. King ... Kong ... King ... Kong! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) 2nd place and the inflatable antlers: Have yourself a merry little Christmas, let your heart be light . . . = Be rather cheery, for Mr. Yuge-Mitts lost it all. (Helluva year, this.) (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: All three verses, 432 letters, of "Away in a Manager" anagrammed into this poem (which can almost be sung to the hymn tune): AD MY REAL WORTH My keen Christmas wish here is to help all I meet, Share joy and goodwill as I walk down the street. To give my time freely and ask not for pay, And cherish that duty every minute, each day. To reward the jobless, even though I am broke, And hide noble deeds with a shrug or a joke. To seek to be jolly, decent, godly, serene, And toil restlessly, bear these said tasks unseen. To buy all the beers when I go to a bar, The landlord at the inn will think I am a star. I'll carry a banner, reading "Jesus Is Love."* (*If I win the lottery, cancel all the above.) (Tony Crafter, Sevenoaks, England, a First Offender; the text of "Away in a Manger" appears at the bottom of this page) SOILED . . . OLDIES: Honorable mentions The Jackson 5's ABC = ACB Well, you're on the SCOTUS now, gal, Doing things you never did before. Five may be key, a clear guarantee, But we'd like to have one vote more. Now, now, now, we're gonna show you (show you, show you) What you're here for, gal, Sit yourself down, take a seat. The chief'll now be free to turn up the heat. AD ACB, chosen by DJT! No leftie like RBG! ACB, 6 to 3, Amy, make it be! (Chris Doyle Denton, Tex.) O Christmas Tree = O SIR TECH MASTER O techno-geek, O techno-geek, My smart TV's not booting! O techno-geek, O techno-geek, Something is not computing! Here sit I sad, on Boxing Day, My gadgets strewn in disarray, There's no amount I wouldn't pay To get your troubleshooting. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) "I made it out of clay" = OILY FACTOTUM IDEA: The janitor at the Second Temple in Jerusalem figured out how to make one jar of oil last for eight days: He bought it at Costco. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year = IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL MOHAIR FETE YET . . . I've a vest in the attic That attracts so much static, I'm bound to appear In the ugliest sweater this year! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AD It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year = IT'S THE TEDIOUS, FLOWERY, MOTH-EATEN MF'R: What department store clerks call every carol on the 30-minute music loop. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" = EVER MOURNING A TENDER GRAY BROAD (Jesse Frankovich) Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer = GRANDMA GOT A VERY NO-BUN DERRIERE But her new implants — gifts — made her much cheerier, And lifted Gramps, her pants and her posterior. (Frank Osen) The Twelve Days of Christmas = A RASH ELF TWEETS COVID MYTHS . . . On the sixth day of Christmas the Donald tweeted me Six innuendos, FIVE ALL-CAPS RANTS! Four idle threats, Three big lies, Two enormous boasts And a hot cup of covfefe! (David Smith, Stockton, Calif.) Santa Baby = BABY SATAN Baby Satan, I love your feet (the right and the left)-- they're cleft! That's a really cute tail, Baby Satan — I must admit, you're growin' on me!" — Rosemary (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) AD The Christmas Shoes = SMASH HIT RETCHES SO (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Baby, It's Cold Outside: EAT D'BLOODY BISCUITS! I really can't stay (Eat d'bloody biscuits!) What will they say? (Eat d'bloody biscuits!) I know this is rude (Eat d'bloody biscuits!) But you bought too much food (Eat d'bloody biscuits!) (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) The Little Drummer Boy: BLITHELY MURDER MOTET Hum, we told him; no lyrics, just hum. Just stay on middle C—a fine rule of thumb. He had no use for that (he'd had too much rum); He tried for high B-flat! We wish he'd kept mum; Made us look dumb; now we're all glum. Next year's carol sing, we'll leave out that bum— Wouldn't just hum. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) What child is this who laid to rest on Mary's lap is sleeping? = Who's this lad a-crying whilst animals stir? I hoped to sleep. (Matt Monitto) And Last: I Walk the Line = WELL, I HATE INK Each time my name gets printed in The Post, Reporters badger me from coast to coast. The glare of fame just vexes me the most. Drives me to drink. Well, I hate ink! (that beleaguered Jonathan Jensen) Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 28: Part 1 of our Year in Redo, to enter Weeks 1360-87. See wapo.st/invite1415. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. The text of "Away in a Manager" that Tony Crafter used to make his Clowning Achievement-winning anagram (including the title and subtitle): AWAY IN A MANGER: A Traditional Carol Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, The little Lord Jesus laid down His sweet head. The stars in the bright sky look down where He lay, The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay. The cattle are lowing, the Baby awakes, But little Lord Jesus no crying He makes. I love Thee, Lord Jesus; look down from the sky And stay by my side 'til morning is nigh. Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask Thee to stay Close by me forever and love me, I pray. Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care And take us to Heaven to live with Thee there. ====================================================================== WEEK 1417, published January 3, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1417: Dead Letters, our annual obit-poem contest Time for commemorations with 2020 hindsight; plus poems using the year's new words Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Dec. 30, 2020 at 10:13 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the inking poems based on new dictionary words) Linda Tripp (1949-2020), Clinton scandal figure Linda Tripp, world-famous buttinsky , Dropped a dime on M. Lewinsky. So 2020 is behind us. And it may be hard right now to glance back on it, especially for The Style Invitational's traditional top-of-the-year contest. So many lives to commemorate — but our Loserbards' brand of wry, even funny wistfulness might be just what we need right now. This week: Write a poem of no longer than eight lines (plus an optional title) about someone who died in 2020, as in the mini-example above by Washington Post Ewwlogist Gene Weingarten. Google "deaths 2020" and you'll find many lists of those who won't be joining us this week. (And if you're, say, thinking of writing an ode to The Late 2020, the Empress promises she won't narrow her eyes and hiss, "Is that a someone?") Note: The Invite is a humor/light-verse contest, so we don't want straight-out sobbers; the verses should be leavened with wit and even a laugh. But neither should they be nasty or gloating. We have enough hurt in our world right now. AD The mask was supposed to say "NYC strong," but came our reading like "NYC crotch": This week's second prize. The mask was supposed to say "NYC strong," but came our reading like "NYC crotch": This week's second prize. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1417 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Jan. 11; results appear Jan. 31 in print, Jan. 28 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a face mask with one of those classic Judaica Fails, like last year's menorah socks with seven candles. This one was supposed to say "NYC shtark" — "strong" in Yiddish — but someone placed the Hebrew letters left to right, giving them no Hebrew or Yiddish meaning, except that reading them right to left gives you the pronunciation "crotch." Donated by Loser Edward Gordon. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "M-Wahaha" is by Chris Doyle; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late afternoon on Wednesday, Dec. 30, at wapo.st/conv1417. The "You're Invited" podcast: Eight half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ M-Wahaha: Poems with new dictionary words In Week 1413 the Empress once again asked our Loserbards for poems featuring words and phrases added recently to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary. 4th place: Cryosphere, the part of Earth's surface where water stays frozen Ice fields of Antarctica are disappearing quickly, And pretty soon the penguins could be looking kinda sickly. With global warming on the rise, our planet's cryosphere Might first become a swimming pool, and next a dryosphere. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3rd place: Iatrophobia, fear of doctors I have severe iatrophobia — Who knows what diseases they're carrying? But I think I can freeze my deep fear of MDs When it comes down to whom I'll be marrying. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) 2nd place and the clam-flavored Clamdy Canes: Impostor syndrome, persistent doubt about one's ability and fear of being discovered to be incompetent "Bid your impostor syndrome adieu," Said my therapist, Dr. Leroux. "You'll still feel like a fraud, But that isn't so odd, For, in your case, it's perfectly true." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Useful idiot, a naive person who can be exploited politically I had a useful idiot; for years he kissed my bottom. I need a favor? Two or three? Well, every time I got 'em. But now he's on his way out and I'm feeling kind of miffed. Those millions that he's in my debt? I'm likely to be stiffed. — V.P., Moscow (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Bury 'em, Webster! Honorable mentions Canna, as in cannabis Because his house calls cause such dread, My doc now brings me canna bread. For this, I am his biggest fan — a Touter of his bedside manna. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) AD Most anything that's canna, I admit that I'm a fan a'. With "herbal" skin cream I anoint, But I like it better in my joint. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Deepfake, an elaborately doctored photo or recording So what if this keepsake Is only a deepfake? A Photoshopped image that shows me in bed With a naked George Clooney Doesn't mean that I'm loony — A loon would've put him in PJs instead. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) When Trump starts conceding And stops his impeding, Reveals what he's hidin', Congratulates Biden, Accepts the results, Appeals to adults, You'll see how they make The perfect deepfake. (Frank Mann, Washington) Greige, gray-beige A husband came back from the store: "I've got greige paint you sent me out for." "Are you some kind of dope? Can't you see this is taupe?" And she pointed him back out the door. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) AD Iatrophobia, fear of doctors Urgency-flurgency, Virus-responding group — All of your meetings Trump Seems to omit. Could be a symptom of Iatrophobia: Fear that your docs will say "You're full of [alternative facts]." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Iatrophobia's my curse, My home I had to flee, For what location could be worse Than Baltimore, MD? (Mark Raffman) The iatrophobe suffers from gastric distress But fears doctors will just do him harm, So he's treating himself at the new CVS, Where he may well be buying the pharm. (Chris Doyle) Hydroxychloroquine can treat malaria or lupus. It's not a cure for covid, though our leader tried to dupe us. The drug has many side effects like headaches and depression. It's rather like the president — so use it with discretion. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) WFH, working from home WTF I WFH Each and every day. OMG IDK How I can live this way. IMHO FWIW I'm sure I'll make it through. OK G2G TTYL My Zoom meeting's in two. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) AD Kids gonna body-shame, that's what they do. So I have two heads, one more than you. But I couldn't care less — what the hell do I care? I got a good-lookin' head, and another to spare. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Please keep physical distance — that's so You'll be safer wherever you go. Experts say that it's smart To stay six feet apart, Or you might end up six feet below. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) CV, coronavirus At a job interview, What you don't want to do Is to give them your CV By going "Ah-choo!" (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Melissophobia, fear of bees "Melissophobia"! How glad I was To hear this word — to know, when folks avoid me, It's just because they're frightened of my name: My personality is not to blame! Oh how this knowledge comforted and buoyed me! (Then, hearing "fear of bees," I lost my buzz.) (Melissa Balmain) AD Truthiness, maintaining without evidence that things are true If QAnon truthiness spreads to this city, it's Likely to grow and produce useful idiots. (Chris Doyle) Cryosphere, the part of Earth's surface where water stays frozen You cry for the summit without any snow; With sea levels rising, you cry for the bay, And hundreds of species with nowhere to go — Yet nowhere, with temperatures rising, to stay. You don't have to cry for the cryosphere, though; It cries for itself as it's melting away. (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii) I fled to far frontiers Where bare ice pearled; That suited me fine — Of all the cryospheres In all the world, She walks into mine. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) An unworldly young woman named Deb Bought a teddy bear straight from Zagreb. When it came, it was stuffed With what ought to be puffed! When gift shopping, avoid the dark Web. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) AD Finna, "fixin' to" If you're finna gettin' thinna You should cut back on your dinna. But if you're gladda growing fatta Then by far you're our big winna. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Losing weight, though I'd once been a gainer, Is so easy, it couldn't be plainer — I just eat, eat and eat Any meat, meat or meat; Every paleo meal's a no-grainer. (Frank Osen). Thirsty, desirous of attention KFC was so thirsty for hype That it made a short movie (what tripe!) 'Bout a buff Colonel Harlan — Should have said, "Look here, darlin', I'm a leg man, and you're just my type." (Mark Raffman) To "Be Our Guest" Anti-vax, anti-vax, We don't trust your deep-fake facts, So give us herd immunity while you just grind your axe. Just a minute on the lips, but forever, microchips! Luciferin, that's suspicious — please believe me, for my wish is To be free, to be pure, not injecting your manure And we sure don't trust that Fauci and his hacks. Sure, that covid's a test for me, but my body knows best for me: Anti-vax! Anti-vax! Anti-vax! (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 4: Our retrospective in which you can enter any of 25 recent contests. See wapo.st/invite1416. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1418, published January 10, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1418: Tour de Fours XVII — just UNDO it Add to list Plus our Loser-predicted 2021 Year in Preview timeline.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat MyersJanuary 7 (Click here to skip down to the Year in Preview) OUND: Alice in Wounderland: The tale of a girl who falls down a rabbit hole and lands in an unsupervised skateboard park. OUND: Quarter-mounder: A four-ounce burger with 12 ounces of toppings. UDON: PseudoNoms: The plastic replicas that bakeries and sushi shops put out instead of the fresh ones. "UNDO" should be The Word of 2021, suggests Hall of Fame Loser Jeff Contompasis. No, no, not the election results, but almost everything else that erupted last year. In any case, it's a good four-letter block for our 17th annual Tour de Fours neologism contest. This week: Coin a word or multi-word term containing the letters U-N-D-O — consecutive but in any order — and describe it, as in Bob Staake's example for his cartoon and JefCon's other neologisms. You may insert a space or hyphen between the letters. It's likely someone else will send the word you thought of, so the ink would go to the more clever description, or the word used in a funny sentence, especially if it shows how the neologism could be used in real life. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1418 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Jan. 18; results appear Feb. 7 in print, Feb. 4 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulously annoying electronic Elvis-impersonator penguin; tap his foot as he sways back and forth to a recording of "Jailhouse Rock." We won't be blue when he leaves our building. Donated by Loser Steve Smith. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End"Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punder-achiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Auguration Day" is by Kevin Dopart; both Tom Witte and Chris Doyle submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday afternoon, Jan. 7, at wapo.st/conv1418. The "You're Invited" podcast: Eight half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Auguration Day: The year in preview Week 1414 was our annual contest in which those ever-prescient Losers (prescient, adj. meaning wildly off base but funny anyway) contributed to the 2021 timeline below. The events in this crowdsourced timeline sometimes contradict one another, but what, you expected logic? 4th place: Jan. 19: Rudy Giuliani, wearing a colander on his head, holds a news conference at the Air and Space Museum, claiming Martian votes were not properly counted. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) When you finally return to the office this year, the singing, swaying Elvis penguin is a must-have desk accessory. 3rd place: September: Coming as no surprise to entomologists and social media, murder butterflies are discovered in Florida. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the glittery Hallmark poop emoji ornament: Following a frank closed-door meeting with Vice President Harris, President Biden pledges to never again say "woke" in public. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: October: A video teaser for "Borat III" reveals that Sidney Powell is actually Sacha Baron Cohen. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Non-prophets: Honorable mentions Jan. 15: Trump's presidency ends in confusion after someone mixes up his lists of last-minute pardons and executions. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Jan. 20: Dr. Jill Biden doubles down by wearing a mortarboard to the inauguration. (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Jan. 20: Fox News cuts away from Biden's swearing-in ceremony to show Trump's cussing-out ceremony. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Jan. 20: Trump tees off precisely at noon and is expected to remain teed off for the next four years. (Kevin Dopart) Jan. 21: Federal marshals gently nudge Ben Carson awake and escort him from the building. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Jan. 21: Finally unshackled from Trump's control, Republicans open communications to "Former Vice President Biden" in a letter addressed to "current occupant." (Drew Bennett) Jan. 25: Vladimir Putin gets a raw deal when he gives Trump a Moscow hotel in exchange for all the top-secret intelligence he can remember from his Oval Office briefings. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Jan. 31: Louis DeJoy refuses to leave office, claiming that President Biden's letter relieving him of his duties was lost in the mail. (Duncan Stevens) February: Not understanding that he really, truly is not allowed to continue his presidential duties anymore, Donald Trump insists on watching cable news all day and playing golf every weekend. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Feb. 2: Punxsutawney Phil refuses to come out until he can get his second dose of the vaccine. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Feb. 14: Trump's new reality sinks in when Kim Jong Un doesn't respond to his Valentine's Day card and chocolates. (John Hutchins) Feb. 15: As roads remain congestion-free, WTOP begins reporting "Zoom traffic and crashes on the 8s." (Steve Smith) Feb. 25: Most popular T-shirt at this year's CPAC conference: "I Got Pardoned!" (Mark Raffman) March: Donald Trump Jr. writes an op-ed insisting that President Biden's son isn't entitled to call himself Hunter, since he's never shot a single elephant. (Frank Osen) March: Not to be upstaged by Cleveland, the Boston baseball team is renamed the Sox of Color. (Kevin Dopart) March: Venezuelan officials reveal that Hugo Chávez's last words in 2013 were "Program the Dominion voting machines to help out Joe Biden!" (Duncan Stevens) April 1: President Biden throws out the opening pitch at Nationals Park, a perfect fastball right across the plate. Immediately Mitch McConnell complains that the ball went way to the left, while Bernie Sanders complains that it went too far to the right. (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) April 22: Kids miss school nationwide for the first Take Our Daughters and Sons to Telework Day. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) April 25: Envious of Chadwick Boseman's Oscar, Trump tweets, "Why hasn't anyone given ME a posthumous award? SAD!" (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) April: The Cleveland baseball team moves 172 miles west and changes its name to the Indianans. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) May 9: President Biden announces that malarkey has finally been eradicated from the body politic. May 10: The White House clarifies that the recent announcement regarding the demise of malarkey was premature. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) May: In an effort to increase gender diversity, the Washington Post Fact Checker replaces Pinocchios with Kayleighs. (Beryl Benderly, Washington) May: Wuhan street vendors celebrate the success of the vaccine by offering a 75 percent discount on bat sandwiches. (Scott Straub, Winchester, Va.) June 10: Forty-seven Proud Boys are blinded after Dr. Fauci reminds Americans it's not safe to look directly at today's solar eclipse. (Kevin Dopart) June 14: To celebrate Trump's birthday, a crowd of people in hooded masks gather in Alabama and burn a big wooden "t." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) June: The Biden administration officially converts the border wall into a pole-vault practice facility. (Duncan Stevens) July 22: The Golden State Warriors win the NBA Finals and mistakenly reject a White House invitation out of habit. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) July 24: In Tokyo, an Olympic fencer is injured in preliminaries after getting the all-clear memo to athletes to participate without a mask. (John Bauer, Gaithersburg, Md.) July: Responding to complaints from progressives, President Biden appoints a bipartisan commission to study whether his administration has taken an "establishment approach" to governing. (Steve Smith) Aug. 7: A year after their blockbuster hit, Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion release a follow-up single, written from the perspective of someone singing to Mike Pence. They call it "DAP." (Duncan Stevens) August: The Cleveland Browns are renamed the Cleveland Latinx. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) August: The Washington Football Team announces its new name: the Senators. The players immediately refuse to play under such a slur. (Edward Gordon, Austin) August: Three thousand passengers set sail on an anti-vaxxers-only cruise. Ten days later the ship plunges over the edge of the earth. (Lee Graham) September: NBC announces the relaunch of "The Biggest Loser," promising a surprise first guest. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Oct. 7: In his new memoir, "I, Fly," an insect tells how he rose from a fetid outhouse to share the debate stage with the vice president of the United States. (Mark Raffman) Nov. 3: To get back into the headlines, Donald Trump shoots somebody in the middle of Fifth Avenue. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Dec. 31: The 9 p.m. broadcast of CNN begins, "Some disturbing news tonight out of Wuhan, China "¦" (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) December: Rumors are finally confirmed when it is revealed that Duncan Stevens, Mark Raffman and Kevin Dopart submit their weekly entries to the Style Invitational on $20 bills. (Mike Phillips, Chevy Chase, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 11: our contest for poems about people who died in 2020. See wapo.st/invite1417. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1419, published January 17, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1419: Send us the bill — our 'joint legislation' contest Play with the names of congressional freshmen. Plus fresh ink from lots of earlier contests. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Jan. 14, 2021 at 9:58 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the retrospective winners) The Moore-Moore Tax Cut for the Rich The Bordeaux-Moore-Greene Act to stop with the eco-friendly toilet paper already The Good-Spartz Act to make election losers shut up and go home Holy moly, if there were ever a time for Congress to sit down and work together . . . In your Souvenirs of Crazy 2020 box, you can keep your masks in it. This week's second prize. In your Souvenirs of Crazy 2020 box, you can keep your masks in it. This week's second prize. We're pretty sure we felt that in 2019 and 2017 as well, but this time we hope that this latest installment of our biennial "joint legislation" contest will help our national lawmakers bind their wounds, and reach out across the aisle as they read the results of this contest, and in true concord, look straight at each other and say, "Whaaaa?" This week: Combine two or more names from the list below of the new members of Congress to "co-sponsor"a bill based on their combined last names, and state its purpose, as in the examples above. We're just playing with the sound of their names, not referring to the sens and reps themselves. Note the pronouncers next to some of the names; the Empress will accept a small stretch of pronunciation, but you can't pretend that, say, Rep. Peter Meijer pronounces his name "Major." (It's pronounced "myer," as shoppers at his family's huge Midwestern supermarket chain know.) AD Still, one of 2019's top winners was the Sherrill-Watkins-Scott resolution that younger siblings should get to play with the older kids' toys — as in "share all what kin's got." (Honorable mention; cartoon by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) If you think that maybe the E won't understand your entry, please follow it with a translation, but do it on a separate line so she can try without it. Her strong advice: Ask one or two other people to read your "bill," without any hints, and see if they get it. The 76 newbies (since January 2019): Auchincloss (AWK-in-closs); Bentz; Bice (rhymes with "rice"); Bishop; Boebert (BO-bert); Bordeaux; Bowman; Bush; Cammack (CAM-mick); Carl; Cawthorn; Clyde; Donalds; Fallon; Feenstra; Fernandez; Fischbach; Fitzgerald; Franklin; Garbarino; Garcia; Gimenez (hi-MEN-ez); Gonzales; Good; Greene; Hagerty (haggerty); Harshbarger; Herrell (HER-ell); Hickenlooper; Hinson; Issa (EYE-sa); Jackson; Jacobs; Jacobs; Jones; Kahele (ka-HELL-ay); Keller; Kelly; Kim; LaTurner; Lujan (loo-hahn); Lummis (with a short "lum"); Mace; Malliotakis (mally-o-TOCK-iss); Mann; Manning; Marshall; McClain; Meijer (myer); Mfume (mm'FOO-may); Miller; Miller-Meeks; Moore; Moore; Mrvan (mer-VAN); Murphy; Nehls (nells or nails, depending on how Texan your accent is); Newman; Olbernolte (olber-nolty); Ossoff; Owens; Pfluger (fluger); Rosendale; Ross; Salazar; Sessions; Spartz; Steel; Strickland; Tiffany; Torres; Tuberville (tubberville); Valadao (vala-DAY-o); Van Duyne (van DINE); Warnock; Williams. AD Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1419 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Jan. 25; results appear Feb. 14 in print, Feb. 11 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine Four Seasons Total Landscaping coffee mug. (We can drip hair dye into it for a nominal charge.) Donated by Loser Frank Osen. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Comeback Kidders" is by Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday afternoon, Jan. 14, at wapo.st/conv1419. Special guest on the "You're Invited" podcast! It's a half-hour interview with Bob Staake, who, over the course of his 27 years as the Invite's cartoonist, went and became a world-famous children's book author and magazine cover artist. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Comeback kidders: The year in redo, Part 1 Week 1415 was Part 1 of our annual retrospective; you could enter any of 25 contests from the first half of the past year. (Next week, the rest.) The Empress could easily have filled this column with nothing but inkworthy foal names and Shakespeare jokes, but then you'd miss all the variety. 4th place: Week 1387, drop letters from a movie title THE SILENCE OF THE (Lam) BS: We may not get it by Jan. 20, but at least it won't be coming from the Oval Office. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) 3rd place: Week 1370, use only the letters of a person's name to write about that person Thomas Jefferson: After major efforts, these men are free! . . . Oh. Those other men are not. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) 2nd place and the 1968 "Republicans for McCarthy" button: Week 1367, pickup lines From Dan Snyder: "Weren't you in that sexy secret video I never saw?" (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Week 1376, add a character to a Shakespeare play: Antony in "Antony & Cleopatra": You do mistake your business. Rudy Giuliani: No, I MEANT to hold this press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Seconds to spare: Honorable mentions Week 1364, crossword clues for a prefilled grid ACACIA: Agency that spies on Obamacare applicants (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) AD OHOH: What Atnas shouts at the South Pole as he slides up your yenmich (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) FAMILYTREE: What should have lots of olive/yew branches (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) TEN: The number of teams in the Big Ten Conference, minus four. (Steve Smith) Week 1365, a poem about someone who died in 2019 Jim Fowler, "Wild Kingdom" zoologist "Watch Jim squeeze the giant snake!" That was Marlin Perkins' take. "Hold that lion's mouth open wide!" Marlin said, and Jim complied. Did the creature bite or sting? Jim, not Marlin, held the thing. Surely Jim had help divine To make it to age 89. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Chanchai Lahiri, escape artist All the fans of the "Indian Mandrake" were teary When told of the passing of Chanchai Lahiri. He was hung upside down with his hands and feet bound, Then submerged in a river, where sadly he drowned. AD But by trying a trick that Houdini made famous And dying, he's now deemed a true ignoramus. That's fair, since fiascos like his just appear To occur when some doofus says, "Yo, hold my beer." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Week 1366, neologisms containing the letter block LIAR Roverfamiliar: What your neighbor's dog is when he sniffs your crotch. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Garlicorice: A short-lived variety of Twizzlers that was much stronger in flavor than in sales. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Week 1367, pickup lines From a psychic: "You look familiar. Haven't I seen you here next year?" (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) From Dwayne Haskins: "Will you help me complete a pass at you?" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) From a psychoanalyst: "May I ask which type of fixation you have?" (Emma Daley, Harrisburg, Pa.) AD Week 1369, jokes based on misheard words Mob boss sees an old lady struggling to cross the street, sends off one of his thugs to offer to help. Thug walks over, shoots the lady dead. He comes back and says: "Well, I offed her, boss, but I'm not sure it helped." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Week 1370, use only the letters of a person's name to write about that person Kimberly Guilfoyle: OK, boomer, I yell bigly! I yell kookily! Ruefully, no more. I figure I'll be mum. No lie. Yo, gullible rube, you yokel ogler -- remember, you like me for my booby look. Book me; you'll go for my bimbo mime gig. (Kevin Dopart) Attorney General William P. Barr: Time to atone: No more enabling Agent Orange Twitter tyranny. No more rewriting legal reality. No more "ballot robbery" rigmarole. Too little too late? Not my problem "" I'm retiring! (Steve Smith) AD John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt: To be honest, his name is not mine too. (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) Week 1371, neologisms from ScrabbleGrams 'racks' EGNORSU > Noserug: A mask too big for the wearer's face. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) Week 1374, rap battles between historical figures Michael Jordan ... You jumped from a tub and for that you got fame, Your bare-bottom sprinting don't mean you got game. Vs. Archimedes of Syracuse: After two thousand years they remember "Eureka," At twenty years done, just your name's on a sneaka. (Kevin Dopart) Erwin Schrödinger ... "Electron states: man, they're uncertain as heck! Can't know what they are, and then each time we check, We change 'em, as if we were changing our socks! A mystery, just like a cat sealed in a box!" Vs. Albert Einstein : "The mystery is where you've inserted your head! God doesn't play dice! He plays poker instead, And he says you should fold, 'cause your brain's turned to glitter! No more cats in that box, and, dude, please change the litter." (Duncan Stevens) AD Week 1375, reinterpret a headline by adding a bank head Headline:. D.C. bans indoor dining in restaurants for three weeks "That's way too long to sit there," District says (Duncan Stevens) Bad drivers in D.C. could soon get a serious warning sent straight to their cellphones Flashing text alert will read 'Stop looking at your texts!' (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) Bears, 33; Vikings, 27 Outnumbered Norsemen fall prey to wildlife (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Week 1376, add a character to a Shakespeare play Jaques in "As You Like It": Give me leave to speak my mind, and I will through and through cleanse the foul body of th'infected world, if they will patiently receive my medicine. Fauci: Yeah, lots of luck. (Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.) Oberon in "A Midsummer Night's Dream": But, notwithstanding, haste; make no delay/ We may effect this business yet ere day. Mitch McConnell: No. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Aaron in "Titus Andronicus": Come, come, our Empress, with her sacred wit, to villainy and vengeance consecrate. Pat Myers: You rang? This had better be good — I'm busy rejecting Style Invitational entries. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Week 1378, song parodies about the pandemic To "If I Only Had a Brain" You must while away the hours, consumin' whisky sours, And fightin' mental strain, Public health you'll be protectin' if you don't go out infectin', And you stay in your domain. I can tell you've got a longing to sally forth, a-thronging— I ask you, please refrain. You can still be problematic even if asymptomatic, So please stay in your domain. Stay home, try not to roam, observe the quarantine, Though your brain may turn to polyethylene, resist the urge to reconvene! Talk on Zoom, and while you're chattin', the curve will surely flatten, Your efforts aren't in vain. You will render great assistance by maintaining social distance: Kindly stay in your domain. (Duncan Stevens) To "Be Our Guest": Here's a check! Here's a check! It's delayed, but what the heck? I'll accept your humble thanks although the country is a wreck. Look, it's signed with my name! But I'll take no share of blame, For the crisis that has shook us — beg to differ? Kiss my tuchas! Been laid off? Out of work? Then be grateful for this perk, And forget that the economy is dreck, And while I plot my coup — here's what I've got for you, It's just a speck. What the heck? Here's a check! (Mark Raffman) Week 1379, puns on song titles Czech President Vaclav Havel was an avid baker, but he was often frustrated by his country's supply-chain problems. One day he asked his wife to pick up some ingredients, but she responded, "Where, Havel? The flour's gone!" (Duncan Stevens) "Wow, Stevie, you sure know your Islamic law. Who taught you about it?" "An old Moroccan friend; I call him my Sharia Moor." (Chris Doyle) Week 1380, delete letters from a word to reveal a related one PArticipaNTS: They're not always on when the Zoom call starts. — J. Toobin (Kevin Dopart, Washington) DOminioN: What you can't trust to give you accurate election results. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Low-calorIE: What you tell yourself before that second helping of pie. (Chris Doyle) Week 1382, 'breed' two Kentucky Derby winners and name the foal Foolish Pleasure x Apollo = Schwing and a Myth (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) His Eminence x Exterminator = Papal People Eater (Jonathan Paul) Big Brown x Always Dreaming = UPSy Dazey (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) Week 1383, pair a sentence from the paper with a question it could answer "I'll keep watching it until it gets better." Q. You say your wife is unsatisfied with her sex life, Mr. Falwell? (Duncan Stevens) "That's probably as good of a first half as I can remember." Q. What did Henry VIII say as he tackled the rest of the spit-roasted boar? (Beverley Sharp) Week 1384, stupid questions Given that the Scarecrow had no brain and the Tin Man had no heart, why didn't they say what body parts the Cowardly Lion was missing? (Mark Raffman) Week 1385, alter a place name Shamburg: German birthplace of the Impossible Burger. (David Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.) Presno: The childhood home of Hillary Clinton. (Steve Smith) Ghanaria: You're not going to want any souvenirs from there. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Week 1387, drop letters from a movie title THE PErfectT STORM: The day it literally rained cats and dogs. (Tom Witte) And Last: SHerLOCK HOLMES: Famed detective investigates a troubling series of Style Invitational prizes. (Jesse Frankovich) And Even Laster: EAT drINK MAN WOMAN: A high-scoring Style Invitational Loser taunts those who have won only honorable mentions. (Roy Ashley, Washington, who has more than 400 blots of ink) Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 18: our neologism contest for words including the letter block UNDO in any order. See wapo.st/invite1418. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1420, published January 24, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1420: Singing on the job Write a song for or about any profession. Plus fresh ink from a passel of earlier contests. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Jan. 21, 2021 at 9:45 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to this week's retrospective winners) If you've been scrolling through TikTok lately — or have been in the vicinity of someone who has, and tends to hum — you've likely encountered the unlikely fad of sea chanteys: rhythmic songs that old-time sailors would sing together while they worked to hoist that sail or winch that capstan. The chantey (or shanty) craze was randomly fueled by Scottish postman Nathan Evans, who just weeks ago posted a video of himself singing a whaling ballad called "Soon May the Wellerman Come," complete with fine close harmonies provided by Nathan himself. It's delightful — as are thousands of replying posts of TikTokkers singing along with Nate's #shantytok video. This reminded the Empress that The Style Invitational is way overdue for a song contest. We're not going to ask just for sea chanteys; instead: Write a humorous "work song" for any job or profession, either one that workers would sing to help their job along, or just one that tells about being a vaccine nurse or dog walker or policy analyst or president or Fox News "journalist." Set it to any well-known tune— "Soon May the Wellerman Come" is certainly eligible — or your own tune. You can make a video as well (you must if you use your own tune) as long as your entry includes a YouTube link plus lyrics. You don't need to be a Wicked Witch to deploy a scary flying monkey. Just win this week's second prize. You don't need to be a Wicked Witch to deploy a scary flying monkey. Just win this week's second prize. AD Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1420 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Feb. 8 (you get an extra week!); results appear Feb. 21 in print, Feb. 18 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a plush screaming flying monkey, whose arms are lined with rubber cords; you hook the hands over your fingertips, pull back, and let it go flying forward and emit a scary electronic scream. See a video, if you dare, at bit.ly/monkeyslingshot. Donated by Loser Steve Smith. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Wry Try-Agains" is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. This week's contest was suggested in part by Alex Blackwood and earlier by Duncan Stevens. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. (Cartoon by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) AD UPDATE: In last week's "joint legislation" contest, the Empress dopily left Alex Padilla (pa-DEE-a), Vice President Harris's replacement in the Senate, off the list of newbies. If you've already sent in 25 entries for Week 1419, you may send in up to two more featuring Sen. P. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Jan. 21, at wapo.st/conv1420. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Wry try-again: Our year in redo, Part 2 Week 1416 was the second half of our annual retrospective; you could enter or reenter any of 25 of our varied contests from this past June through November. 4th place: Week 1409, drop letters from a song title or lyric "ƒI FALL TO PIE[ce]S: The heartbreak of cheating . . . on your diet. (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) 3rd place: Week 1412, rearrange the letters of a song title "ƒ Stairway to Heaven anagrams to I Vote, He Rants Away There's a lame duck who's sure His election was "stole" And he's crying at volume eleven. Though he rages he knows That his hopes are foreclosed: In a word, he can't get what he aimed for . . . (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the dumpster-fire-motif face mask: Week 1388, an organization's name that includes an anagram ACADEMIC DEMI-CACA: This department offers a doctoral degree that's piled just a little higher and deeper. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Week 1402, new terms whose letters total 14 Scrabble points Maganetic: Exerting a force so powerful that ordinary citizens can lose their marbles, and senators can lose their morals. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) The agony of repeat: Honorable mentions Week 1388, a business combined with its anagram "Hip One" iPhone: It beeps, chimes, and buzzes for no reason so everyone thinks you're popular. (Frank Mann, Washington) AD Ruins a Secured Pandemic Manicures and Pedicures: Because what could be more essential than toenail beauty? (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) O That Pesto Toothpaste: It leaves your mouth garlicky fresh and your teeth gleaming green! (George Thompson) Week 1390, compare two items on the list supplied Murder hornets and a DIY haircut: Both involve ominous buzzing. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) Week 1391, new words/phrases that don't contain C, O, V, I or D Sargasm: That shudder of pleasure from shooting off a perfectly snide zinger. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Unaugurate: To remove from power, possibly kicking and screaming. (Jonathan Jensen) Aunt Yermama: Pancake syrup with twice the fat of competing brands, but everyone seems to use it. (Mark Raffman) Week 1393, better descriptions for non-inking anagram names from Week 1388 Credit Naggers Greeting Cards: Wishing you a happy 50th anniversary of your student loans! (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) AD My Amusing Gymnasium: "Time for . . . [loud fake belch] BURPEES! Ha, ha, ha!" (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Nice Chefs Ruin French Cuisine: We put "oui oui" in every dish. (Erika Ettin, Washington) Week 1394, a line of dialogue or description that would work for two different movies "Napoleon Dynamite" and "The Silence of the Lambs": "You gonna eat your tots?" (Jon Gearhart) How you could describe both "The Irishman" and "Gilligan's Island": It was only supposed to be three hours. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Week 1395, a 'plus-one' to something known by a number The Five Horsemen of the Apocalypse: War, Famine, Death, Pestilence, and Zeppo. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Week 1396, limericks featuring a word beginning with "ha-": Peter's dad said, "You need to discard The Viagra — ED's a canard! As your grandpa told me When I turned fifty-three: 'Son, it's absinthe makes Fondas grow hard.' " (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) AD Week 1397, a fresh idea for any of several old cartoon tropes Psychiatrist to young woman on couch: "Well, It's quite normal to hate your father, Tiffany. I hate him too." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Trope: Man on desert island: Bedraggled castaway is playing solitaire. A man with a spyglass on a passing boat yells: "Play the red eight on the black nine!" (Jon Gearhart) Week 1398, metaphors for 2020 If 2020 were an anniversary gift, it would be a used Peloton bike that once belonged to your husband's mistress. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Week 1400, 'breed' Triple Crown nominees and name the 'foal' Talkin Malice x Poe = Rantin' and Raven (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.) Cool Runnings x Mr. Kringle = Jamaican a List? (Jon Gearhart) Telephone Talker x Explosive = ATNT (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) AD Villainous x Fancy Liquor = Evil-Dewars (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Believe Now x Disc Jockey = Cult 45s (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) Week 1401, haiku "so" jokes Your Mama's so thin, Smart and morally upright I can't make a joke (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) Week 1402, 14-point Scrabble words Conspirits: Liquor that mixes perfectly with Kool-Aid. (Kevin Dopart) Rerererereruns: What my kids have been watching over and over since we got Disney Plus. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Gronavirus: The pathogen that causes dads to tell such awful jokes. (Jesse Frankovich) Week 1403, update a TV series with a current plot "Marcus Welby, M.D.": The pandemic forces Dr. Welby to take the bold new step of treating more than one patient at a time. (David Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.) "Seinfeld": In the episode "The Great Mask Debate," Elaine tries to get Kramer to enunciate the "k" in that phrase. (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.) AD Week 1404, we give the answer, you give the question A. A Mazel Tov Cocktail: Q. What's a euphemism for the drop-of-wine anesthetic at a bris? (David Peckarsky) A. Alex Tribeca. Q. Whose departure in 2020 left the world a Bleecker place? (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) A. The New Cabinet Department We Need. Q. What is The Department of Calmers? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) A. The New Cabinet Department We Need. Q. What is Help in Zoomin' Services? (Chris Doyle) Week 1405, breed two foal names from Week 1400 and name the grandfoal Arraign in Spain x House of Flusher = Law and Odor (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Nitro Dame x Belle of the Bald = Wig Out (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) Mad Don and Child x Drool Runnings = Don Dripper (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Puttin'OnTheWrits x Goo-Google = Puddin'OnTheWrist (Tom Witte) Week 1407, ads set in space, the White House or other unlikely venues At the White House: Stains on our democracy might never come out. For everything else, there's OxiClean. (Jonathan Jensen) AD Week 1409, shorten a song title MR. [Tambo]URINE: Now nearing 80, Dylan has different thoughts in the jingle-jangle morning. (Noah Meyerson, Washington) BUTTONS AND B[ow]S: Life on the campaign trail. (George Thompson) F[eels] LIKE THE FIRST TIME: This song lasts 15 seconds. (Mark Raffman) Week 1411, bad novel endings As he led her past the sparkling Christmas tree and out onto the porch, strung with twinkling white lights, she realized she had been waiting for this moment for years. He took her hand, looked intently into her eyes, and said, "I ate the gingerbread house. Can you make another one?" (Francesca Huemer Kelly, Highland Park, Ill.) Week 1412, rearrange all the letters in a song title Won't You Be My Neighbor? > Big Horny Women? You Bet! (Kevin Dopart) La Vie en Rose > A Seine Lover When you walk along the Seine You'll meet a lot of men Who want to be your lover. Trust me, dear, I know Paree, You'll fall for their esprit As round you they will hover. By the Seine I met Pierre, He said to me, "Ma chère , Ah, voulez-vous diner?" Oh, what a night of enchantment and bliss! But came the dawn, and my lover was miss-ing. With a girl I saw him then, That vile Parisienne, Down by the Seine. (Jonathan Jensen) Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 25: our biennial "joint legislation" contest. See wapo.st/invite1419. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1421, published January 31, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1421: Alternaugural Address '21 Use words from Biden's speech to say something humorous; plus winning obit poems Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Jan. 28, 2021 at 9:46 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning obit poems) Four years ago in this space, the Empress invited (that is what we do) the Loser Community to compose a sentence or more that used only words appearing in the 2017 presidential inaugural address. The man who delivered those 1,433 words is now gone from Washington, but we're still here. And it seems only fair that we welcome President Biden to Loserdom as well, and this time we won't be worrying that he could explode into a tweet-rage. (That didn't happen in 2017, to our relief. But it might have!) This week: Write a humorous passage — a "quote," an observation, a joke, a dialogue, a poem, anything — using only words that appear in Biden's inaugural address. For consistency, please use the White House's transcript, which you can find at wapo.st/biden-address or by Googling. You may use a word only as many times as it appears in the speech; for example, you may use "history" up to seven times, and "hope" up to four, but "bottom" only once (and "carnage," blessedly, not at all). You must use the whole word as it appears ("testing" but not "test") but you may change capitalization and punctuation however you like. (Use the hyphenated "once-in-a-century" and "swearing-in" as separate words.) You may attribute your "quote" to someone else. AD It looks like something from Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory, but it's just an intriguing plaything. A "hand boiler," this week's second prize. It looks like something from Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory, but it's just an intriguing plaything. A "hand boiler," this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Handy-dandy tool! Thanks to Loser Todd DeLap, we've also published an alphabetical list of all 2,500 or so words in the speech, along with the number of times each is used. Check out wapo.st/invite-list-1421. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1421 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Feb. 8; results appear Feb. 27 in print, Feb. 24 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a classic "hand boiler," which, relax, doesn't boil your hand; it's a steampunk-looking plaything consisting of two feather-light glass bulbs with a tube coiling decoratively between them. When your hand warms the bottom bulb, the rise in gas pressure makes red liquid snake through the coils to the top bulb. Donated by Dave Prevar. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End"Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Yearly Departed" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich"; Dave Prevar wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday afternoon, Jan. 28, at wapo.st/conv1421. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Yearly departed: The obit poems of Week 1417 Week 1417 was our annual contest for poems about those who died in the past year. Numerous verses about the artist Christo ended "That's a wrap" or reported that Kenny Rogers knew when to fold 'em. 4th place: Whitey Ford (1928-2020) Bob Gibson (1935-2020) Phil Niekro (1939-2020) Tom Seaver (1944-2020) The way they'd pitch the ball, And with perfection flirt, Would hold us in their thrall, And batters disconcert. But now they've hit the wall, For no one can avert The Umpire's final call: "Outside and in the dirt." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 3rd place: Katherine Johnson (1918-2020), protagonist of 'Hidden Figures' Katherine G. Johnson, the NASA computer, Mathematician ahead of her time. Lived a long life to a hundred and one, Speaking numerically, died in her prime. (Ellen Haas, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) 2nd place and the mask that accidentally says 'crotch' in Hebrew letters: Frank Carney (1938-2020), co-founder of Pizza Hut In keeping with traditions old, Once boxed, he was delivered cold. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Michael Sexson (1966-2020), treasure hunter Michael Sexson, 53, had read of buried treasure; Set out with just some clues, and an acquaintance, for good measure. They didn't find the gold. Soon, cold and hungry, they got lost, But searchers finally brought 'em down the mountain to defrost. AD Now most folks, being reasonable, would kiss this quest goodbye; But not these two! In just one month, they made a second try . . ., Bad choice. At least the pal survived ('cause later they were found), But Michael (like the gold) has now been buried underground. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Passing: Honorable mentions James Randi (1928-2020), magician and debunker James Randi was the enemy of mystics and clairvoyants. The so-called supernatural he looked on with annoyance. He sniffed at paranormal claims and often proved them phony. And what about the afterlife? His ghost says it's baloney. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Jim Lehrer (1934-2020), newsman and moderator of many presidential debates Though you might well have wanted, if given a choice, To put off that heavenly chime, It wasn't to be — an ethereal voice Spoke up: "Jim, you've exceeded your time." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) AD Whitlow Au (1940-2020), pioneer in understanding the echolocation of dolphins and whales No matter their region or nation, All dolphins and whales in creation Revere Whitlow's name And agree he became The first ape to speak fluent Cetacean. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Herman Cain (1945-2020), politician who died of the coronavirus Herman Cain, a mask-forgoer, Should have been a better-knower. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Bill Withers (1938-2020), singer-songwriter Bill Withers left some legacy: "Ain't No Sunshine," "Lean on Me." His hits are an impressive list; I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know he will be missed. (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) Chuck Yeager (1923-2020), test pilot I. A brash young Chuck Yeager once flew up so high He found himself passing through heaven. He tried on some wings and then left with a cry: "I'll take those when I'm 97." (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) AD II. Too soon, it seems, Chuck Yeager passed. Of course, the man was always fast: We didn't have to wait around For him to break the speed of sound. But though he never made us wait, We find that now we hesitate To think he's gone: What made him great Was never being called "the Late." (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii) Pierre Cardin (1922-2020), fashion designer Pierre Cardin is dans un jardin, In an urn that is trendily go-go, With a very conspicuous logo. (Frank Osen) Don Larsen (1929-2020) pitched a World Series perfect game In 1956 the Dodgers couldn't hit or score As Larsen left them in a batting drought. The men who took the field that day have all passed on before; Now Don himself becomes the final out. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Mike Hughes (1956-2020), daredevil I. They used to call him "Mad" Mike Hughes, a daredevil of sorts, His motorcycle racing led to other dicey sports. He built himself a rocket just to prove the Earth is flat, The FAA said, "Nix!" and so it seemed that that was that. AD But Mike was quite persistent, so their pesky rules he cast off; The Science Channel even came to film his fatal blastoff. A crash would be the death of him, and surely Mad Mike knew it; Was it a dare? (And could it be, the devil made him do it?) (Beverley Sharp) II. My first name's Mike, last name Hughes. I have some news that you can use. No matter if Earth's round or flat, A falling rocket goes kersplat. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Regis Philbin (1931-2020), TV host In light of Philbin's rapid rise Down here in showbiz, no surprise That up in heaven true prestige is Getting booked on "Dead! With Regis." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Diana Rigg (1938-2020), British actress Many geezers (it's time to reveal) Used to watch "The Avengers" with zeal. Even though they'll attest She was properly dressed, How they wished they could watch Emma peel! (Beverley Sharp) AD James Bond movie stars Sean Connery (1930-2020) and Honor Blackman (1925-2020) I. Honor Blackman's signature role Was in "Goldfinger," playing a cat. Of course, that's not exactly true, But you know where I'm going with that. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) II. Saint Peter: "Step in through the door. Have you any idea what's in store? Agent Double-O-Seven, You're gonna love heaven, For here, too, we have Pussy Galore." (Mark Raffman) Jack Sherman (1956-2020), guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers: Our eyes grow red, our tears amass, It stings when Chili Peppers pass. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Larry Tesler (1945-2020) created computer cut, copy, paste, undo editing functions For Larry Tesler, words of praise: Mortality Ctrl-X short his days. His shortcuts for a large text Ctrl-C Kept online writers from getting sloppy. How useful are the tools he's given In the fast-Ctrl-V world in which we're livin'. There is no doubt, it must be true, Our thanks to him are not Ctrl-Z. (Ken Kaufman, Derwood, Md.) AD Lou Brock (1939-2020), baseball Hall of Famer I. On the art of stealing bases, Mr. Brock could write a tome, But only last September did we see him stealing home. (Jonathan Jensen) II. Of Lou Brock's knack to swipe a bag, there just was no controllin' it. If heaven has a second base, by now Lou's surely stolen it. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Diego Maradona (1960-2020), Argentinian soccer legend THIS STAR I've been asked to write a poem to a star who died last year, I didn't know they'd passed — I'm shocked. My tribute follows here: This star inspired mania! They'd fill any arena! This star inspired us to sing "Don't Cry for Me Argentina." This star's amazing footwork was rhythmic and hypnotic. This star could score at will, but could still be quite neurotic. This star is well deserving of that stellar Grammy honor . . . This star . . . What? Who? Diego? Oh, I thought you said Madonna! (Tony Crafter, Sevenoaks, England) Tom Dempsey (1947-1920), record-setting NFL kicker You astounded the docs who were there by your bed; You succeeded in raising the bar. They'd seen folks kick the bucket, but never, they said, Had it flown so remarkably far. (Duncan Stevens) Betty Dodson (1929-2020), 'guru of self-pleasure' I'd like to think that, with her death impending, She somehow engineered a happy ending. (Melissa Balmain) Phil Niekro, Whitey Ford, Bob Gibson, Tom Seaver Four Hall of Fame pitchers were called up this year: Niekro, Ford, Gibson and Seaver. They started — and finished — 800-plus games with no need to call a reliever! So picture the angel who gave them the hook, Enduring their protests and pouts. You know each one said: "Hey, my arm isn't dead — It's good for another three outs." (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) Too-bold animal photographer Though warned 'bout a gator at rest by a lake, Someone wanting a pic makes a most grievous flub. This gal steps too close, knows at once her mistake, Blurting, "Guess I won't ever do that again . . ." [Glub.] (Chris Doyle) Four various selfie-takers It happened in Colombia, in Turkey and Australia; Photographers were done in by their own paraphernalia. The selfie sings a siren song, a "come-and-get-me, friend!" call; But photos of yourself should NEVER be the be-all, end-all. (Beverley Sharp) Still running — deadline also Feb. 8: our contest for songs for and about work. See wapo.st/invite1420. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1422, published February 7, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1422: The Collaboratory Add a co- (someone) to a movie, song, etc., and change the title. Plus UNDO neologisms. Image without a caption("James and the Giant Reach," by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Feb. 4, 2021 at 10:12 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning "UNDO" neologisms) If Roald Dahl had worked with LeBron, they could have made "James and the Giant Reach." Bill Haley + Internet inventor Tim Berners-Lee = "Rock Around the Click" Gary Cooper + the Church Lady = "The Prude of the Yankees" This week's contest was suggested by Daniel Fleisher of Baltimore, who has but a single blot of Invite ink — for an obit-poem for Stephen Hawking two years ago — but clearly a feel for classic Style Invitational contests: Think of a book, movie or song title. Then pair its creator, star, singer, etc., with an unrelated "collaborator" to produce a wordplay on the title, as in Daniel's own examples above. The best way for your drink to go to your head -- and around it. The best way for your drink to go to your head -- and around it. (LCPSHOP.NET) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1422 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Feb. 15; results appear March 7 in print — ooh, which just happens to be the 28th anniversary of The Style Invitational — and March 4 online. AD Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the Amazing Silly Straw, a five-part curly tube you fit together and can wrap around your face like a pair of glasses as you imbibe. We suggest using a Château Pape Clément Red 2010 for the best Amazing Silly Straw experience. Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Fundoings" is by Chris Doyle; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late afternoon Thursday, Feb. 4, at wapo.st/conv1422. AD The "You're Invited" podcast: In Episode 10, Mike Gips treats Invite Rookie Phenom Sarah Walsh, who's been on both "Jeopardy!" and "The Chase," to a surprise Invite Jeop game. It's a riot. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . fUNDOings: The Tour de Fours neologisms of Week 1418 Week 1418 was our annual Tour de Fours neologism contest; this year all the new terms had to include the letter block U-N-D-O, in any order. Submitted by several Losers: Undowear: easily removable lingerie. 4th place: Undo pressure: "So look. All I want to do is this. I just want to find 11,780 votes . . . So tell me, Brad, what are we going to do?" (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) 3rd place: Undorphins: An intimate dinner with Mike Pence releases a surge of these. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2nd place and the electronic Elvis penguin: Undoh: To realize you were right after all. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Ickspound: To overshare about your bodily functions. "To start the Zoom meeting, the boss ickspounded on barfing up a whole bag of multicolored Skittles." (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville) Marked DOUN: Honorable mentions Backhandout: Financial assistance with a slap of shame. "Here's your emergency relief payment, you lazy bum." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) AD Stoopendous: Astonishingly self-degrading. "Senator Graham, we recognize you for your stoopendous accomplishments during the Trump administration." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) "Don, U Can't Be Serious!": Subtitled "Famous Last Texts, 2016-2021: An Anthology." (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) Boos-hounds: What home team fans become when the Houston Astros are in town. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Brofound: Sounding deep and insightful only after a few brewskis. "Yes, we drank beer. I liked beer. Still like beer. We drank beer," Brett intoned brofoundly. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) Condumb: Discount prophylactic with a hardly noticeable tear. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Correspondunce: Someone who starts a letter with "To Who It May Concern." (Jesse Frankovich) Creshundo: The growing chorus of outrage from Republicans distancing themselves from Trump. (May soon be followed by a decreshundo.) (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) AD Dadouncement: The old man's embarrassing habit of saying things like "I'm off to lose a few pounds" when he leaves the table holding the newspaper. (John Bauer, Gaithersburg, Md.) Donuments: What Trump really thinks should replace Confederate statues. (Jesse Frankovich) Donut Orifices: Dunkin's marketing failure before coming up with a better name. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Doody-bound: Constipated. "I wish I could have that second helping, but I'm doody-bound to decline." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Endonube: Someone experiencing their first colonoscopy. "I'm such an endonube, I thought Bowel Prep was a boarding school." (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Fonduel: Fork-jabbing competition for that last cube of bread that fell into the pot. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) AD Fonduodenum: The Donner Party's version of Taco Tuesday. Also known as Chitlins 'n' Cheese. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.; Dave Prevar) Fondupes: Restaurant patrons who are tricked into cooking and serving their own food. (Frank Mann, Washington) Foreplayground: The back row at a movie theater. (Jeff Contompasis) Founding Fodder: It'd be a great brand name for baby formula. (Jesse Frankovich) Go undercover: Euphemism for bedwetting. (Jon Ketzner) Guano duty: How Rudy Giuliani's ex-publicist described her job. (Steve Smith) Houndini: A dog that's an escape artist. "Sorry that Max got out of the yard and into your trash can again — he's a regular houndini." (Adie Peña, Makati, Philippines, a First Offender) Iguan'udon: Mm-mm, Godzilla noodle soup. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) In-Doubt Burgers: Always made with USDA Choice mystery meat. (Mark Raffman) AD Sin-and-Out: A chain of drive-thru brothels. (Jeff Contompasis) Innuendo U.: "Come inside and check out the intimate relationship you'd have with our well-endowed faculty." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Produnk U.: An "academic" institution that's nothing more than a feeder school for the NBA. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Loudnum: A drug that causes uncontrollable yelling. "It seems likely that he got a big dose of loudnum at Walter Reed." (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Nincompounded: Exacerbated by idiots. "Nothing like a call for 'trial by combat' to nincompound the insurrection, Rudy." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Nanodunk: An extremely quick quickie. (Kevin Dopart) Plagueground: Right now, any indoor recreation facility. (Duncan Stevens) Pseudo-understudy: You, in your living room, singing every word of "Hamilton" at full volume. (Danielle Nowlin) AD Pundora's box: What you will open if you say "Who's there?" to a racist's knock-knock joke. (Kevin Ahern, Corvallis, Ore.) Sondunce: The scion who tweets a video of his girlfriend dancing in joy over his dad's coup attempt. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) The Sound of Mucus: Even when her heart is lonely, Maria should not go to the hills during hay fever season. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Thun (d'oh) storms: Sudden squalls reminding you that you left your car windows open. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Trolling in dough: Sending fundraising emails about "election fraud" while the Capitol is under attack. (Steve Smith) Undonate: What some Republicans wish they could do these days. (Steve Honley, Washington) Undownhill skiing: The ultimate cardio workout. (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) AD Muon Day: Feb. 19 of every year, to represent the approximate mean lifetime of the positive muon (2.1969811 millionth of a second ±0.0000022). "This year, me and my buddies are going to celebrate Muon Day by — duh, how else? — calculating the square of Fermi's coupling constant with the overall dimension of the inverse fourth power of energy. Gotta say, though, this is getting a little old." (Neal Starkman, Seattle) Undoo: To remove poop references. "Were the Empress to undoo this week's entries, she'd have a far smaller pile to judge." (Jeff Shirley) And Last: Pseudonice: What the Empress was being when she said your entries were surprisingly good. (Jesse Frankovich) And Even Laster: Stupundous: What neologisms that get ink are. Well, most of them. (Jesse Frankovich) Two contests still running — deadline for both is Monday night, Feb. 8: — Write a song for or about a job. wapo.st/invite1420 — Write something funny using only words from Biden's inaugural address. wapo.st/invite1421 DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1423, published February 14, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1423: Muddled heads — anagram a headline Plus the winners of our biennial 'joint legislation' wordplay contest Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Feb. 11, 2021 at 9:54 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the "joint legislation" winners) The Down Side to Life in a Supertall Tower: Leaks, Creaks, Breaks (New York Times) Rearrange all those letters to make this anagram: "Shake, rattle, and roll — we dance to it" works . . . Lessees? I barf! I puke! (Steve Allison in Anagram Times) Josh Hawley Blasts 'Lie' He Incited Riot As Missouri Newspaper Calls Him 'FrankenHawley' (Newsweek) = Fiery Trump ally is ill on air! Swine was senseless when a harsh mob hijacked the Capitol! (Maurice Goddard in Anagram Times) We think it belongs on the Resolute Desk, but you could put it on yours. This week's second prize. We think it belongs on the Resolute Desk, but you could put it on yours. This week's second prize. (CSB Commodities) We've been scrambling a lot of late at The Style Invitational, thanks to the eagerness of anagram buffs in the Loser Community. A couple of months ago we had a contest for anagramming song titles and lyrics; now, at the suggestion of Loser Jonathan Jensen, we turn to another regular source of Invite fodder: This week: Choose a headline (or part of a headline) in any print or online publication dated Feb. 11-22 and rearrange all its letters into an anagram, as in the examples above posted this week in the Anagram Times, a continually updated collection of reader-submitted headline anagrams under the marvelous umbrella of Wordsmith.org, which also publishes Anu Garg's email newsletter A. Word. A. Day (one of the Empress's faves) and — please use this if you enter — the handy-dandy Anagram Checker: You copy in the text you're anagramming, and then your anagram, and the software does a little happy dance if the anagram is valid. While you may not add or omit letters in your anagram, you may use capitalization and punctuation however you like. Along with the original headline and the anagram, give the name and date of the publication; if it's online, please supply a link so the E can find it. AD Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1423 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Feb. 22; results appear March 14 in print, March 11 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the Butt Station, a nifty desk set consisting of a tape dispenser in the shape of a Gumbyish green humanoid sitting on a toilet. The toilet bowl functions as a paper clip holder — especially because Not Gumby's butt has a magnet to hold the clips. The Empress has one of these on her very own desk in the currently very lonely Post newsroom; this one was donated by Loser Steve Smith. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Bill Becomes LOL" is by Jesse Frankovich; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Feb. 11, at wapo.st/conv1423. The "You're Invited" podcast: Ten half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Bill becomes LOL: The 'joint legislation' of Week 1419 Week 1419 was our biennial contest in which you create "joint legislation" by combining the names of new members of Congress. The Empress hopes that they could be so productive on Capitol Hill: She received more than 2,000 "bills," many of them featuring Torres-Ossoff, and very many of them featuring Rep. Donalds. It helps to read the bills out loud (perhaps repeatedly) and of course to know how the names are pronounced: Returned-to-Congress Rep. Issa is pronounced EYE-sa; Gimenez is HIM-e-nes; and Rep. Herrell is pretty close to Hurl. AD Still stumped? See this week's Style Conversational column (published late Thursday, Feb. 11) for all the translations. 4th place: The Moore-Greene-Salazar-Good Act mandates fresh leafy veggies to school lunch programs. (Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.) 3rd place: The Mann-Jones-Steel-Owens-Moore Resolution lamenting the perpetual inability to keep up with the neighbors. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.; Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) [Man, Jones still owns more] 2nd place and the Four Seasons Total Landscaping mug: The Kim-Torres-Ossoff Act expressing sympathy for Kanye West. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: The Bordeaux-Gimenez-Torres Resolution, limiting long-winded uncles at Thanksgiving to 20 minutes tops. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) [Bored o' him and his stories] Dork barrel legislation: Honorable mentions The Newman-Bice-Moore-Tiffany Act to set minimum engagement ring sizes for aspiring second husbands. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) [New man buys . . .] AD The Mann-Torres-Spartz-Good Resolution discouraging the practice of barbed-wire hurdling. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) The Herrell-Harshbarger-Fischbach rule that if your Big Mac makes you sick, you can get a free Filet. (Kathy White, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender; Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.) The Jacobs-Lummis-Jacobs Act to prevent the taking of property from landlords in underserved areas. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) [Jacob's slum is Jacob's] The Issa-Tiffany-Herrell-Bordeaux Act to encourage teens to alert a trusted adult when a friend abuses alcohol. (Seth Tucker, Washington) [I saw Tiffany . . .] The Good-Hinson-Bush Act requiring all police investigations to check for clues behind the landscaping. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) The Mann-Fallon-Owens-Good Act endorsing the doctrine of original sin. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) [Man fallen; no one's good] AD The Fallon-Issa-Keller Act requiring that sidewalks be salted during snow season. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) [Fall on ice: a killer] The Fallon-Steel-Good Act enshrining the five-second rule into law. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) [Fallen, still good] The Fitzgerald-Good Act to resculpt the statue of President Ford in the Capitol with a better-tailored suit. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) The Good-Herrell Act to reverse all executive orders from the previous administration, because sometimes you just need a Good-Herrell to feel better and move on. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) The Hinson-Fischbach-Fallon-Mann-Spartz Act instructs male legislators on the proper method for "tucking in one's shirt" when alone with a journalist in a hotel room. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) The Moore-Hickenlooper-Pfluger Proclamation that more of anything is better than yesterday's covfefe. (John Call, Frederick, Md., a First Offender) AD The GOP-sponsored Franklin-Jackson Act authorizes a one-time stimulus payment of $120. (Frank Mann, Washington; Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) The Torres-Ossoff Act to compensate former vice president Mike Pence for what Sen. Harris did to him during their debate. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) The Moore-Clyde-Steel Act to fund a breeding program for Budweiser's horses. (Fred Shuback, Silver Spring, Md.) [Clydesdale] The Bordeaux-Steel-Nehls Prison Cot Reform Act. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) [Board of steel nails] The Bordeaux-Jacobs-Williams Act to encourage more novel boys' names. (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) The Donalds-Good-Bice Declaration that we really didn't care if the door hit him on the way out. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) The Good-Bordeaux-Manning ICE Reform Act. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) AD The Bowman-Bordeaux-Boebert BananaFannaFoeFert FeeFieFoeFert Boebert Act to mitigate unnecessary name calling. (Scott Straub, Winchester, Va.) The Ross-Nehls Act to serve escargot sushi at the congressional cafeteria. (Duncan Stevens; Jesse Frankovich) [Raw snails] The Bentz-Nehls Act to straighten out the escargot. (Mark Raffman) The Salazar-Mrvan Act to procure a fleet of bullet-resistant trucks. (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) [Sell us armor van] The Jones-Jacobs-Hickenlooper-Spartz Resolution that affirms, "That's kinda sorta my name, too." (Sarah Walsh) The Bice-Kim Act promoting fat-free milk. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Jonathan Jensen) The Fallon-Herrell-Keller-Kelly-Malliotakis-Marshall-Miller-Tuberville-Williams Declaration, telling the former Inciter-in-Chief to go 2L. (William Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 15: our wordplay contest to add a "collaborator" to a movie, song, etc., and then change the title. See wapo.st/invite1422. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1424, published February 21, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1424: We Bee back — a neologism contest Our nod to the NYT Spelling Bee game. Plus winning 'work song' parodies. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Feb. 18, 2021 at 9:30 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning "work songs") K+CEHINT > Inktini: A cocktail you don't want to sip when wearing white. "Black raspberry liqueur for the bridal toast? That's going to make one bad inktini." K+CEHINT > Enchicken: To instill fear. "He didn't need a single tweet to enchicken 43 senators." H+CDEIKL > Hick chili: Roadkill possum stew with notes of squirrel. In April 2018, in a nod to her traitorous guilty-pleasure addiction to the then-weekly New York Times game Spelling Bee, the Empress ran a contest to make up words from some of the Bee's letter sets. Soon after, the Times turned the thing into a daily interactive game that's soooo addictive and sometimes maddening — especially if you keep finding words past the "Genius" level and go for the whole list, "Queen Bee" — well, the E will not comment on the number of times in a given day that she will stare at seven letters on her phone. AD The way the NYT game works: Constructors Sam Ezersky (online) and Frank Longo (the Sunday magazine) present six letters of the alphabet circling, beehive-style, a seventh letter. And you list as many real words as you can that include that central letter plus any of the other six, used as often as you want in the word. Which brings us to this week: From any of the 30 Spelling Bee letter sets listed at the bottom of this page, coin a new term or phrase and describe it humorously, as in the examples above. You must use the first letter in the set (anywhere in the word) plus any or all of the others, as often as you like. Please begin each entry with the letter set you're using; this will help the Empress sort the entries. There's no way she'll look through 30 sets to figure which one you used. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1424 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 1; results appear March 21 in print, March 18 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the Noise! Maker, a yo-yo-size gadget promising "6 awful sounds!" including "nervous," "up tight" and "ripper." If these mini-bleats are supposed to sound like farts, they don't. Donated by Dave Prevar, who needs no electronic assistance, thank you very much. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punder-achiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Toil and Treble" is by Tom Witte; Tom and Jeff Contompasis both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Feb. 18, at wapo.st/conv1424. New "You're Invited" episode! Mike Gips chats with the very funny Loser Danielle Nowlin, who talks about the Invite as a creative outlet for a stay-at-home mom with three young kids. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Toil and treble: Winning songs about jobs from Week 1420 In Week 1420, prompted by the TikTok sea chantey craze, we asked for songs about a particular job, or to work by. If you don't remember a tune or would just like to sing along, click the link in the title to hear the original song. As always happens with our song contests, there were far too many inkworthy ones to include here. Over the next week or so, I'll post some "noinks" in the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group (join and the Devs will anagram your name). 4th place: CORPORATE CEO (To "Let It Snow") Oh, our bottom line makes us pensive, With employees so expensive. They are costing us too much dough. Let them go, let them go, let them go! While employees are really assets, We must look at all the facets; For our costs to come way down low, Let them go, let them go, let them go! AD At the start, it may take a while To get used to their downhearted mood. But just let them go with a smile. (Cut down the chance we'll be sued!) There are some who may find it frightful And to you, they might act spiteful. Just keep your head way down low, Let them go, let them go, let them go! (Irene Plotzker, Wilmington, Del.) 3rd place: Mortician (To "My Favorite Things") You may have gone to the greatest physician, But, in the end, you will need the mortician. I live for funerals (yes, that's a pun) Your life is ending, but mine has begun. To the embalmer for long preservation, Or you might think about speedy cremation. Pick out a casket and pick out a hearse: All of these cost, so just keep out your purse. Family's crying, When you're dying You should plan ahead. You don't want your loved ones to pay for my bills For years just because you're dead. (Louise Dodenhoff Hauser, Sarasota, Fla.) 2nd place and the screaming monkey slingshot: Obstetrician (To "The Erie Canal") I've gotta track this baby's locale, Two more hours in the birthin' canal. This mom-to-be's one irate gal, Two more hours in the birthin' canal, I've known some infants in my day, Pulled 'em out to earn my pay, And every inch of the way I know, From uterus to what's below "¦ AD Breathe! Push! Nurses gather round, Breathe! Push! 'Cause I think I see a crown. And you know when she's in labor, Pitocin is your pal If you've ever navigated the birthin' canal. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Cosmetic surgeon (To "I Saw Her Standing There") If you are past 39 And your form's in decline, Well, there may be parts that I can help repair, So how 'bout I tuck in your tummy, ooh! And lift your derriere? Well, people are vain But, hey, I can't complain 'Cause self-regard made me a millionaire There's still time to look like Jane Fonda, ooh! When you're on Medicare. Well, it may be crass but you'll love your ass And your face without a line! Oh your skin may shine at night And it may feel kinda tight, And when you laugh, your mouth may feel real sore. But you'll never look like your mother, ooh, Once you come in through my door. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) Heigh-no, heigh-no:Honorable mentions GOP senator (To "I've Been Working on the Railroad"): I've been working in the fail mode All the livelong day I won't vote for legislation Joe Biden sends my way, Have to think about my future: Compromise? What for? Dems must fail, because I'm running in 2024. AD 2024, 2024, that's just four more years to go, 2024, 2024, four more years of "just say no." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Capitol Police officer (To "A Policeman's Lot Is Not a Happy One" by Gilbert and Sullivan) (By Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; performed by Jonathan and singer John T. K. Scherch) When you're guarding our most sacred institution (institution) You might think you have an enviable job. (-able job) 'Till some loonies try to stage a revolution (revolution) And you find you're at the mercy of a mob. (of a mob) Though the Congress looks to us for their protection, (their protection) We were told "don't make a scene, don't draw a gun". (draw a gun) When the president incites an insurrection, (insurrection) A policeman's lot is not a happy one, Ah - When deplorables have got you on the run, on the run, A policeman's lot is not a happy one. (happy one) If you're marching to protest discrimination (crimination) You'll be met with clubs and military gear. ('tary gear) But if you have skin that's lacking pigmentation (pigmentation) Then you're free to run amuck, so never fear. (never fear) While repeatedly we called for reinforcements, (reinforcements) Roving gangs were looting offices for fun. ('ces for fun) When a president can give them his endorsements (his endorsements) A policeman's lot is not a happy one, Ah - When our democratic norms can be undone, be undone, A policeman's lot is not a happy one. (happy one) (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1dzE1-1Urg [youtube.com] If you don't see the video on your screen, click here. Anarchist day trader (To "Under the Boardwalk") Oh when the market dives and the S&P index is chillin' While the short sellers thrive, tracking losers and make a killin' Go buy some GameStop and find your niche, If a million more suckers will follow, you'll be instantly rich Buy some GameStop, just roll the dice Buy some GameStop, and push the price Buy some GameStop, we'll be ownin' the hedges Buy some GameStop, Push them off the ledges Oh NO! PRICE DROP! Game stopped! (Frank Mann, Washington) AD Hitman mob informant (To "On the Street Where You Live") I have often walked down this street before, But I never saw you turn a snitch to meat before. All at once do I keep a wary eye, Knowing I'm on the street where you'd shiv. Yes, I testified in that murder case And explained you'd told us, "Please remove the victim's face." You skipped town, they say, and yet anyway I feel tense on the street where you'd shiv. And oh, the troubling feeling That, oh no, somehow you are near. The stomach-bubbling feeling That your goons, or you, may suddenly appear. People stop and stare; they sure bother me 'Cause I wonder whether they're employed Godfatherly. I'll get out of here! I won't live in fear Knowing I'm on the street where you'd shiv. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Jewish space laser wielder (To "White Christmas") I'm aiming Jewish space lasers. I make them bright and fast and hot. I start work on Monday And work through Sunday (Though I don't work on Shabbat). I'm aiming Jewish space lasers. I launch them from a trampoline. When you see these words on your screen, They'll be coming from Ms. Taylor Greene. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean, Va.) AD The Librarian's Lament, or The Cartful Drudger (To "Consider Yourself") Written and sung by children's librarian Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md. Consider my shelf: it's home. Consider my shelf: part of my family! It's taken a whole day long To dust; must not get the numbers wrong! Consider my shelf: filled in. Consider my shelf: my little universe! My salary is a crime, I smile while laboring overtime! There is a snotty kid, What he did I have to fix. He is only six, Where's Mom?? Now the computer's dead Oh my head I need a break... But I have to remain calm"¦ Consider my shelf - it's Zen. Though I'd rather scream and shout, When being pulled in all directions, that's my cue, Consider my shelf...then check out! If you don't see the video on your screen, click on this link. Coronavirus vaccine nurses (To "Lincoln Park Pirates") The laptops are on in Potomac tonight, And everyone's tapping at screens, They want an appointment, no more disappointment For those with appropriate means. They've shared every link they can find with their friends, Doesn't matter who they're for. The front of the line seems to suit them just fine, But they'll sneak in the clinic's back door. Go away-ay, send them away, They shouldn't be cutting the line. You don't live in the county, you can't pay a bounty, And no one will care if you whine. Go away-ay, send them away, We're nurses with covid vaccine. We've seen the abuses, heard all the excuses, And don't care if you vent your spleen. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Caterer (To "Wellerman") A kitchen called Gourmet Paris, purveyor of victuals and fine Chablis, Was catering lunch for a VIP, a techie CEO [huh!] [Supervisor] "Chef needs his mise-en-place, The grass-fed beef and the Vin d'Alsace, "Hoist crates, and let's haul ass, Let's load that truck and go!" The truck had left the downtown shop when from outside came a fright'ning pop: The truck lurched off to a halting stop as the left front tire did blow [huh!] Soon may the Triple-A free Us from this heat — temp is 93! Save the artisanal brie And Beaujolais Nouveau. Will help come? We have no clue But we've cases of wine and a nice Bresse Bleu! Let's quaff the haut grand cru — Just don't let management know [huh!] (Caterer Mary Ann Henningsen Frankenfeld, Oakland, Calif.) New York City police officer (To "YMCA") Young man, lie face down on the ground I said, young man, don't you make one more sound You can stay there, with your hands on your head Or we'll do the hard way instead It's fun to work at the NYPD "¦ (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Retiree (To "When I'm Sixty-Four") Now that you're old, with nothing but time, You've got priority For signing up to get yourself a new vaccine, Instead of staying in quarantine. Log on, pick a spot: tomorrow at 3? Oops! There's one thing more: Our site's not created to be navigated If you're over 64. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif., age 66, who'll be getting his second shot this week) Orchestral violinist (To "Sixteen Tons") (By Jonathan Jensen, performed by Jonathan, a Baltimore Symphony Orchestra bassist; and BSO violinist Ellen Pendleton Troyer Some people say a man is made out of mud. A fiddler's made out of muscle and blood. Fingers and nerves, tendons and bone, Well, the ears are weak, but the ego's strong, You play sixteenth notes, what've you got? Your shoulder is aching and your elbow is shot. St Peter, don't you call me, 'cause I can't go, I sold my soul for a fiddle and bow. I was born one morning with a bow in my hand, I picked up my fiddle and walked to my stand. I played sixteenth notes in twenty-four keys And the Maestro said "more vibrato, please. You play sixteenth notes... I was born one morning, it was drizzling rain. Scraping and scratching are my middle name, I do double stops, harmonics, and every trick, Cain't no high-toned conductor make me watch the stick. You play sixteenth notes... (Jonathan Jensen) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFJBfbjeiis&feature=youtu.be [youtube.com] If you don't see the video on your screen, click on this link. Piano teacher (To "Under the Sea") This student: no sense of rhythm, can barely decipher scores. There's no way to keep time with him; the metronome he ignores. His chords, a chaotic jumble, his ear's just a block of tin. "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" he'll bumble; and next, to my great chagrin, He'll blunder in C! Blunder in C! Chord structure losing, even when choosing easiest key! Sure, he'll miss all the sharps and flats; If he were a movie, he'd be "Cats." Hardly believin' — this kid can even Blunder in C! (Duncan Stevens) HR manager (To "Firework") Do you ever feel like you're just a nag, Spelling out the rules, bein' such a drag? Do you ever feel you can never win, Pushin' time cards out, and log 'em comin' in, Do you ever feel the paper's piled up deep There's so much red tape, you need to make a quick escape, Do you know that there's still a chance for you? Do what you love to do: You just gotta pull the plug It's like a drug And leave no doubt, Cast someone out! 'Cause baby you're a firin' jerk, Go on and do your very worst, A second chance? That's no! No! No! As you tell 'em it's goodbye! Bye! Bye! Yeah, firin' is your dire work, You're makin' sure their bubble's burst, As you tell 'em they must go! Go! Go! And you're gonna make 'em cry! Cry! Cry! (Mark Raffman) Maryland public school teacher (To "If I Only Had a Brain") I could get to classroom teachin' instead of just beseechin' "Please turn on your Zoom screen" And my kids I'd be knowin', we'd be happy, safe, and growin' If we only had vaccine, We'd explore and learn in person, our test scores wouldn't worsen, I'd cut down on caffeine. But a plan's what we're needin', we could STEM all the bleedin' If we only had vaccine. Oh, I just wanna try To open my class door, Safely doing all the things I did before And not be called a union whore. I recall when we were "heroes," but now we're less than zeros Our governor's just mean. I'll go back, I'm not lyin' when I'm not afraid of dyin': Please just give me the vaccine. (Elementary school teacher Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) And Last: The Post Copy Editor's Chantey (To "Sixteen Tons") Some people say the news is made outta ink But, without an editor, the copy might stink. Make sure the spelling is right and that the prose ain't too lame And most of all, don't forget to disclaim! I edit sixteen thousand inches of text, Need a rubber stamp for what I got to do next: Every three or four lines, or maybe five at the most: "(Jeff Bezos owns The Washington Post.)" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And Even Laster (To "The Major-General's Song") I am the very model of a humor contest editor; Of those who merit Invite ink I am the only creditor. Each week I read a jillion jokes to find the best material, Deciding which to print with my authority imperial. I judge the entries blindly with dispassionate sincerity, Rewarding those exhibiting the maximum hilarity. By sending me your efforts there's a tiny possibility You'll win some crappy prize that is devoid of all utility. I thank my many readers for their never-ending loyalty, Supporting my position as tiara-wearing royalty. I kill the hopes of Losers with the prowess of a predator — I am the very model of a humor contest editor! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 22: Our contest for anagrams of headlines. See wapo.st/invite1423. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. Here are 30 letter sets (most from 2018) from the online Spelling Bee from which you can create new words or phrases. The term must include the first letter (anywhere in the word) plus any of the other letters, repeated as often as you like. You may enter as many as 25 terms in all and may do several from the same set. H+C D E I K L K+C E H I N T A+C F I L R Y A+B I L T V Y O+A F H L T Y D+A L N R U Y H+A C D N O W T+H I L M N O V+A E G L U Y U+A C N O R T B+E F I L O N A+E G H L N O M+A D G I P R B+A C I K R T A+B E G M T Y M+A C H N O R C+A I L M N R L+B D F I N O F+A C E L P T E+A C L T Y Z L+B I M O T Y B+A M N R T U L+D G N O U Y T+A B D M O R T+I M P R U Y T+I K L N W Y R+A F H K O Y Y+A B E L N Z L+A C F I N Y N+C E G K L O ====================================================================== WEEK 1425, published February 28, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1425: Picture this — a cartoon caption contest Plus winning rewrites from the words in Biden's inaugural address. By Pat Myers Feb. 25, 2021 at 10:00 a.m. EST Add to list(Click here to skip down to the winning inaugural-address word bank entries) Image without a caption Bob Staake himself couldn't tell you what they're doing or saying in these pictures, but you can tell him, in our umpety-umpteenth-plus-one caption contest: This week: Write a caption, either descriptive or in dialogue, for any of the cartoons above. Be kind to your trusty Empress and format your entries like this: Begin each entry with "Picture A:," "Picture B:," etc. (no, not with the quotation marks, silly), then follow it on the same line with your caption. This will let the E sort out all the Picture A captions together before blithely rejecting yours. TIA. Submit up to a total of 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1425 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 8; results appear March 28 in print, March 25 online. Image without a caption Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a totally plain black and white analog wall clock, except that it runs counterclockwise, as do the numbers. Sooo much easier than a time machine. Donated by Wise-to-Clocks Dave Prevar. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Prez Clippings" is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Feb 25, at wapo.st/conv1425. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Prez clippings: Inaugural-address 'rewrites' from Week 1421 In Week 1421, just as we'd done for his predecessor four years earlier, we invited you to pick and choose some words from President Biden's inaugural address and rearrange them to make lines from an "alternaugural" speech, or any other writing. The Empress thanks Loser Todd DeLap for running her shortlist of entries through a program he made to flag ineligible words (yup, there were some). 4th place: McConnell versus Pelosi! Tomorrow night, the adversaries will battle under the Capitol Dome for the soul of democracy. Who will triumph and who will be humbled? See the American Dream come to life in a crucible of personal violence! Things will get ugly! And God bless America. (Only $108 — call today!) (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) 3rd place: They say that I am fragile and can't face the work ahead. They tell us all that Kamala will lead the way instead. But I am equal to the tasks, and very strong, my friends. The toughest days I can endure, and I don't need Depends. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) 2nd place and the hand boiler: Of all my predecessors, one stands out as a president of profound conviction. In fact, I believe his greatest one still lies ahead. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: My fellow Americans: As you know, Vice President Pence and I have been close friends for many years. Today, I need to tell you something. We are more than just friends — much more. In fact, he is the one and only love of my life, and the two of us will be entering into a state of total domestic union. Yes, as of tomorrow, we are becoming husbands. (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) Average Joe: Honorable mentions All good things must come to an end. And it's a good thing that no-good things do also, like President You-Know-Who. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) AD This is a desperate time. We see bitterness, resentment, anger. We see domestic division, civil strife, factions at war. In place of peace, love and joy, we have shouting, swearing and weeping. And that was just on the first day of work from home! (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) On watching the speech: What are these long words I hear? That was a clear and completed thought. The new president will believe reality? And he is not shouting or swearing? What a treat! (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for "¦ What, Speaker Pelosi? That was said before? By whom? Do not harsh my moment, woman! I thought I came up with something profound! (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) It's unity I long for, come what may, Division, strife, and hatred I reject. But Washington is difficult today, And yet I have the country to protect. When "let us work together" can't get through, Then "put it up your bottom" has to do. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) AD At last, I have the elusive, sacred thing of power I have sought for many long years. Triumph! I am the master! My own! My precious! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Has he left yet? Should I start the oath? I hope never to see his [blue word] like again. Period. (John O'Byrne, Dublin) Don't stop thinking about tomorrow. Don't stop, it will before-long be here. It will be better than before. Yesterday's not here. Yes, it has left. — Speed-would (Poto)mac (Duncan Stevens) My fellow Americans, I promise with all my heart to stand behind women, but they clearly don't like it. (Kevin Dopart) I would like to thank the deep state, and especially my master, George — I will not say the last name, for it's better that you be a power in the darkness for now — for watching over me and the way your shadow forces manipulated and manufactured the vote. That was the only reason I was elected — without you, I would have lost by a lot! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) AD But that's not all! If you call now, you will also get every campaign promise you see here, with my personal guarantee. But you must act now. This deal will not last long! (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) God bless! That woman from George-a is foolish, full of fantasy and lies. Take that raging person's behind out of this place. That is all I ask. (Duncan Stevens) Good husbands know the paper should always be put on with the torn end hung forward. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) It's great to be in Washington and let me tell you, those so-called patriots, their mothers are so ugly even the virus would not land on them. Thank you, thank you, I will be here all January. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Once, there were people in the stands shouting support. But under my watch the sons of Washington have been the pits. The press was all over us: They said that our name, our red-face chief and our song supported racism. Next came the story about how we treat women co-workers. But everything is different now! Well, I am still here. — D. Snyder (Steve Smith) AD The one-time Patriots leader prevailed again? Cometh on! (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) My fellow Americans, the only things we have to fear are accounting class, long division, the dark, that cemetery down the block, McConnell or Pelosi/Schumer (depends on view), and most of all, your mother's face when you do wrongs. (Eric Nelkin) You know that story about my difficult time speaking? That was just for show. Listen: Future fury forces fragile rural friends from crucible! Or this: Pelosi pledged a painful Potomac political proclamation paper presenting Pence with public pandemic possibilities! I have thousands of these! (Frank Osen) 108 "¦ 400 "¦ 1,863 "¦ 400,000 "¦ I can't remember all the ages I have been. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Fathers and sons, my morning constitution all was defined by painful block. Ages! An eternal era, I remember. And not a "silent but deadly" moment — it was heard all around Washington when it did pass. I call it the Battle of Broken Bottom. And now a time of repair and healing will begin. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) AD To defeat this virus, you must always protect your face, stand far apart from one another, and resolve not to go any place if you have a temperature. But don't down Lies-all! (Jesse Frankovich) Pelosi: How does this sound? "America has finally elected a president whom we know can make this country united." Harris: Great, but change that to "who." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) And Last: This is the first time in many weeks that I have put together any good words for this paper. Perhaps I will get an "And Last" out of it. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) And Even Laster: We were told to take any of the words the president said at the inaugural and write something. It could be bold or profound. A story, a verse, or a song. Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I will not be entering. May the force be with you all as you struggle with this difficult challenge! (Chris Doyle) AD And Lastest of All: How to master entering this thing? It's hard to be good at it, but here is a lesson: You should think of what is great about America, honor sacred things, be optimistic, and respect our leaders. Then don't use any of that. (Kevin Dopart) Still running — deadline Monday night, March 1: our neologism contest based on the New York Times Spelling Bee game. See wapo.st/invite1424. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1426, published March 7, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1426: Mess with our heads Add to list Our perennial bank headline contest. Plus winning wordplay 'collaborations.'(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat MyersMarch 4 at 10:01 AM (Click here to skip down to this week's winning wordplay "collaborations") Chair dismisses fears of overdoing stimulus (Washington Post, March 1) Bank head: 'Let those kids jump on me,' La-Z-Boy says; vows to 'boing 'em right back with my springs' 50% Off Labor (ad for home renovations) Reconsidering no-meds approach, expectant mom opts for 'just half the pain' semi-epidural Miller Leads Patriots Past the Colonials (George Mason vs. George Washington basketball) Creepy White House ex-aide seen heading white militants' march through suburban subdivision It's one of The Style Invitational's most beloved contests (beloved by the Empress, anyway): Reinterpret an actual headline (or a major part of it) by adding a bank head, or subtitle, as in the examples above. The headlines may be from any publication, print or online, dated March 4-15, 2021. Please give the source and date for the headline so the E can verify it; see details on the entry form. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1426 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 15; results appear April 4 in print, April 1 (whuh-oh) online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a desktop globe in the shape of a cube, which will surely prove popular in all eight corners of the world. Donated by Dave Prevar, who sent the E a big Santa-package of ridiculous prizes. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Ink-a-Hoots" is by Barbara Turner; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, March 4, at wapo.st/conv1426. The "You're Invited" podcast: Eleven half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Week 1422 was essentially an APB for book, movie and song puns; the contest asked for them to be "collaborations" resulting in the tweaked name. Among the 2,000 entries was much pairing of Judy Garland with Ted Cruz/Rudy Giuliani/The Blob to make The Wizard of Ooze; others had Mike Lindell singing with Little Anthony on Tears on MyPillow. Lots of First Offenders today; they're marked with asterisks. 4th place: Marie Kondo with co-author Lindsey Graham: The Life-Changing Magic of Toadying Up. (*John Butman, Cabin John, Md.; Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) 3rd place: See Greenland around the corner from Canada? This week's 2nd prize. Elton John and Kiki Dee featuring Hannibal Lecter: Don't Go Baking My Heart. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the drinking straw you wrap around your face: If Vicki Lawrence handed her song to Stacey Abrams, she'd sing The Night the Right Went Out in Georgia. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: With co-author Vladimir Putin, Barbara Kingsolver would write The Poison-Good Bible. (Harold Mantle, Sunnyvale, Calif.) Co-ing under: Honorable mentions The Silence of the Lames, starring Anthony Hopkins and 43 senators. (*Megan Barnett, Crozet, Va.; Seth Tucker, Washington) Disney's collaboration with Fidel and Raúl Castro: Irates of the Caribbean. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) If Rodgers & Hammerstein had done the score for "Groundhog Day," there'd be Same Enchanted Evening. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Martin Scorsese could do a documentary on the White House: Malice Doesn't Live Here Anymore. (Adie Peña, Makati, Philippines; Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Baby Yoda stars with Christopher Lloyd in The Man DeLorean. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves could sign Pope Francis for Bill & Ted's Lent Adventure. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) Eric Carle and co-author Quentin Tarantino could make the picture book Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What the $%^&* You Looking At? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna., Va.) If Cecil B. DeMille had gotten script input from Bill Clinton, he would have made The Nine Commandments. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Angelina Jolie could star with Lance Armstrong in Lara Croft: Tomb 'Roider. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) If Charles Dickens wrote a novel with George Carlin, it'd be called Bleep House. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) Tchaikovsky's ballet with Joe the Plumber: The Buttcracker. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) Sean Connery could have starred with Rudy Giuliani in The Hunt for Red November. (John Klayman, Fairfax, Va.) Norton Juster with co-author Rudy Giuliani: The Phantom Poll-booths. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) Mariah Carey with virally unwise hairstylist Tessica Brown: All I Want for Christmas Is Glue. (Megan Barnett) Ray Bradbury with co-authors Ben & Jerry: Something Licked This Way Comes. (Daniel Fleisher, Baltimore) If Quentin Tarantino had cast Paula Deen over Uma Thurman, the movie would have been Keel Beel. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) James M. Cain with co-author Louis DeJoy: The Postman Rings Once in a While. (David Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.) Kojak sucks Sam Spade into helping him find his stolen car in The Baldy's Falcon. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Bob Dylan with Donald Trump: Bellowin' in the Wind. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) Elton John could pair with John G. Roberts Jr. for Docket Man and with Nikola Tesla for Shock-It Man. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) Chinua Achebe and Kim Kardashian: Thongs Fall Apart (Duncan Stevens) Neil Diamond and Richard Simmons: Sweat, Caroline! (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) Khaled Hosseini and Charlie Brown: The Kite Ruiner. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Charlotte Brontë and A.A. Milne: Jane Eeyore. (Lee Graham) If P.D. Eastman had gone to work for the Biden transition team, he could have written Go, Don. Go. (*Chris Wieman, Laurel, Md.) William Friedkin could have cast the Peloton Wife in The Excercist. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Lin-Manuel Miranda and Jeffrey Toobin duet in The Zoom Where It Happened. (Megan Barnett) Ernest Hemingway might have drafted losing GOP Sens. Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue for A Farewell to R's. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Louisa May Alcott with Donald Trump: Belittle Women. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.; Scott Straub, Winchester, Va.) Jane Austen with Enrique Tarrio would write Proud and Prejudiced. (*Mike Tringale, Washington) Sidney Poitier and Marjorie Taylor Greene: Guess Q's Coming for Dinner. (Bill Dorner) Freddie Mercury sings Franz Kafka in Weevil Rock You. (Harold Mantle) Billy Joel wrote a song with the California utility PG&E: We Didn't Start The Fire, and We Understand And Agree That This Settlement Shall Not Be Construed as an Admission of Liability on the Part of Any Person, Firm, Corporation . . . (*Hil Barnett, Crozet, Va.) Glenn Yarbrough with guest singer Oliver Cromwell: Baby, the Reign Must Fall. (Fran Ludman, Baltimore, who last got Invite ink in Week 29, 1993) Louisa May Alcott and Armie Hammer: Vittle Women. (Jim Derby, Gettysburg, Pa.; David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.) Donald Trump channels Sam Cooke: "Qupid, go stop the steal/ Show Pence my landslide was real/ Get him to change the count for me "¦" (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) J.D. Salinger and Washington Post Fact Checker Glenn Kessler: The Catcher in the Lie. (Steve Leifer, Potomac) If Fixodent's next ad were written by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the new tagline would be 100 Years of Solid Food. (Danielle Nowlin) The Beatles and Jerry Falwell Jr.: Got to Get You Into My Wife. (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) Charles Darwin and Donald Trump: The Oranging of Species. (Bob Kruger) Van Morrison and Dan Quayle: Dominoe. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) The Beatles and the Republican National Committee: Being for the Benefit of Mr. White. (J. Larry Schott) Warren Beatty stars with Harvey Weinstein in the epic Preds. (Harold Mantle) The Coen brothers could cast Sidney Powell in Fargone. (David Shombert) Nirvana for the Trump administration family separation program: Smells Like Mean Spirit. (Hil Barnett) William Golding and Henrik Ibsen: Fjord of the Lies. (Duncan Stevens) And Last: ABBA with the Empress: Dunce-Ink Queen. (Jesse Frankovich) Still running — deadline Monday night, March 8: Our Bob Staake cartoon caption contest. See wapo.st/invite1425 DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1427, published March 14, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1427: Rocky of ages, or Badenov for you? 'Bullwinkle'-style history puns. Plus winning anagrams of headlines. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers March 11, 2021 at 10:19 a.m. EST Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning anagrams of headlines) 1957: Introduction of the Edsel: Building a Car Bomb, or The Lemon Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree (Russell Beland, Week 540) 1066, the Norman Conquest: Saxon Violence, or Let Me Run This Bayeux (Brendan Beary) 1854, the Charge of the Light Brigade: Fools Speed Ahead, or Is That Your Final Lance, Sir? (Chris Doyle) Hey, wish The Style Invitational a happy birthday — we just turned 28 last Sunday. And in a nod to Invite history, and history in general, the Empress is redoing one of the first contests she ran after deposing the Czar in 2003: And it itself is a homage to "Rocky and Bullwinkle" (and similar titles), the pun-filled Cold War-spoofing cartoon series that informed the comic sensibilities of many a Loser of a certain age. Nothing says "I'm such a stud" as much as popping one of these guys out of your pocket. Nothing says "I'm such a stud" as much as popping one of these guys out of your pocket. AD Along with dialogue laden with what we'd now call dad jokes ("Round trip?" "Got any square ones?"), the wordplay went up a notch with the teaser for the next episode: The announcer gave two titles, at least one of them a pun. For one about a threatened execution, it was "Tune in next time for 'Axe Me Another,' or 'Tails, You Lose.' " And so this week: State any historical event — right up to 2021 — in the "A, or B" pun format as in the examples above, all of them inking entries from the 2004 contest. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1427 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 22; results appear April 11 in print, April 8 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a practical-joke toy called Sneekum Pet Pranksters. It's a little box you put in your shirt pocket; then surprise your erstwhile friends as a little hairy monkey-monster head suddenly pops up. Think how that would impress your Zoom-date! Donated by Dave Prevar. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Mixed Media" was sent by both Tom Witte and Jesse Frankovich; Dave Prevar wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, March 11, at wapo.st/conv1427. The "You're Invited" podcast: Eleven half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. (Coming soon: Episode 12, with a new song.) See bit.ly/invite-podcast. AD And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Mixed media: The headline anagrams of Week 1423 In Week 1423, inspired by (a.k.a. ripping off) the Wordsmith.org website Anagram Times, we asked readers to choose a headline from The Post or another publication, and to rearrange all its letters into an anagram. It's a tough task to make something that uses exactly every letter — none missing, none extra — into a readable line of English; in the process of finding the gems below, the Empress read through hundreds of anagrams like "Wintertime splotch subjugates oath. Notebook: Curb, force truth. Havoc hens fret. Onto presumptive theme: 'I.' " 4th place: Headline: WHO fact-finding mission departs China empty-handed Anagrams to: Whining of D.T.: "As if! China started Dems' phony pandemic!" (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 3rd place: Ted Cruz admits he has 'no defense' for Texas' current energy debacle = Decent excuse for strange beard? Ted Cruz freely admits he has none. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2nd place and the Butt Station desk set: Biden moves to hard part of reversing Trump legacy = Removes 'perfect' bathroom stain, gravy puddle ring (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Perseverance Probe Successfully Lands on Mars = Endless Probes From Space Cleverly Scan Uranus (Jesse Frankovich) Magnets = Angst 'em: Honorable mentions Fauci predicts 'open season' for vaccinations by April = "Can a professional stab us?" "Correct — dive in!" [Yip of panic.] (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) AD Doodles and giggles: Some senators spend impeachment trial in distraction = I scanned phone, Googled at "presidential transgressions committed," dismal! (Kristin Braly, Baltimore) Make the magic happen = Keep the MAGA champ in — Josh Hawley . . . OR . . . Impeach the peak G-man — Nancy Pelosi (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Can I Still Wear My Grandmother's Fur? = Run wild, nasty girl! From the cameras. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) House managers wrap up their case in Trump impeachment trial = "Trump is a cheap, repugnant, immature man who repeats rich lies." (Jesse Frankovich) Health code violations = Ooh, locals invite death! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Millions lose power in Texas, northern Mexico as blackouts and bitter cold continue = Notable climate-hoax notion tricks town's credulous, inexplicable moron residents (Kevin Dopart) AD Millions without power as winter weather blasts the U.S. = This white-out's terrible! Lotsa snow! We ain't warm! Help us! (Jesse Frankovich) The glories of cabbage = I forage, eat gobs, belch (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Pence remains loyal to Trump = It's truly man-romance, people (Chris Doyle) Tracking Biden's political appointees = Picking tepid, banal Eastern politicos (Hannah Seidel) As mating rituals go, Valentine's Day isn't so bad = Bods uniting at a sassy animal love isn't G-rated! (Steve Allison, Milford, Conn., a First Offender) Impeachment impressions = Mitch simpers: "A spine? Me? No." (Duncan Stevens) Biden team pledges aggressive steps to address chip shortage = President delivered bagged crisp potatoes, gets (shh!) massages (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) How to stand out while working remotely = Lo! the muted-toilet work is wrong, anyhow! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) AD Hustler publisher always tested limits = Larry established I must sleep with lust (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Taking your 9 to 5 on the road = 95: Ratty, honking auto rodeo (Jonathan Jensen) Love, in all its permutations = Mull alternative positions (Kevin Dopart) Love, in all its permutations = A million venal prostitutes (Duncan Stevens) Love, in all its permutations = Simple vanilla is not utter 'O' (Danielle Nowlin) 'I'm not a cat,' says lawyer having Zoom difficulties = Miaow! Activating a shy, crazy feline lifts U.S. mood (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.) In the Galleries: Personal and political perspectives on the past = In the Galleries: It's liver, onions, Scotch tape, and paper pet lapels (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) What's sexy in a pandemic? Caution. = Pony twins exhaust academician (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) AD It's time for baseball = Baltimore fails best (Duncan Stevens) Mardi Gras celebrations restricted following last year's super-spreader event = A seeming result's wild party girls can't reveal parts in order to score free beads (Jesse Frankovich) About the impeachment trial = A beaten Trump: 'I loathe Mitch' (Jonathan Jensen) The GOP's lout caucus = Thug coup: Lost cause (Jeff Contompasis) What are sperm telling us? = Get in! Her wall's upstream! (Chris Doyle) Trading her classroom for a police beat = For a teacher, it's grim. No dollars. Be a cop. (Mark Raffman) Do you need insurance for your water and sewer lines? = You do need insurance for your Western Wiener Salad! (Frank Osen) Ted Cruz Provides 9 Crisis Management Lessons For Business Leaders = Bastard Ted Cruz Provides Series of Lessons in General Scumminess (Jesse Frankovich) AD And Last: Loser: Try, toil, ace! = (headline:) Closer to reality = Loser: Toil, cry, eat (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Still running — deadline Monday night, March 15: The latest installment of our bank headline contest. See wapo.st/invite1426. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1428, published March 21, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1428: The Tile Invitational VIII Add to list Make new words from ScrabbleGrams letter sets; plus top NYT Spelling Bee neologisms(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat MyersMarch 18 (Click here to skip down to the winning NYT Spelling Bee neologisms) The letters ADNRSUW rearrange to SUNWARD. But you could also make: ADNRSUW > URNWAD: The sodden lump of grounds and filter you have to take out of the coffeepot. ADNRSUW > UNDRAWS: What a pencil eraser does, at least till it gets dirty, at which point it un-undraws. ADNRSUW > RUS-WAND: A hammer or sickle. As we present this week's winning neologisms drawn from letter sets of the New York Times Spelling Bee game, we'll return once again to a similar — but notably different — challenge, based on the syndicated feature that's appeared in The Post for decades: At the bottom of this page are 40 seven-letter "racks" taken from the 2005 "Big Book of ScrabbleGrams." This week: Create a five-, six- or seven-letter word (or phrase) by scrambling the letters of any of the sets and define it, as in the examples above from one of this week's sets. The difference between ScrabbleGrams and Spelling Bee is that this time, you may use each letter in the set only once in your word (think of arranging Scrabble tiles). (If the set contains two of the same letter, you may use them both, of course.) How to format your entry: Begin every entry with the letter set you're unscrambling — look at the examples again, please! please? — so the Empress can sort them all into 40 tidy groups and compare similar entries. Don't put the letter set and your word on different lines, because you will ruin the sorting and make the E tear at her curls. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1428 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 29; results appear April 18 in print, April 15 online (this is why the tax deadline was extended). Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a "You're Invited" coffee mug celebrating the podcast all about The Style Invitational, complete with a classic Bob Staake cartoon. Host Mike Gips wraps up Season 1 this week with Episode 12, a zingy half-hour with Super-Loser Mark Raffman, who's managed to get about a dozen different "Be Our Guest" parodies into the Invite — and offers one more just for the podcast. Listen at bit.ly/invite-podcast or at Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Buzz Words" was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Roy Ashley: Dave Prevar wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1428. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Buzz words: Spelling Bee neologisms from Week 1424 In Week 1424 we once again saluted the addictive New York Times word game Spelling Bee, presenting 30 of its past seven-letter "hives" and asking you to coin a new term from any of them. As with the Bee, you could use any letter more than once — or not at all, except that you had to use the first letter of the set. The Empress was flooded with 1,700 entries, many from Bee fans. (The E showed a shortlist of this week's entries to Sam Ezersky, who masterminds the Bee for the Times; see his faves in this week's Style Conversational column, published late afternoon Thursday, March 18, at wapo.st/conv1428.) 4th place: From BAMNRTU > Bun tuba: Unfortunate generator of sound (and more). "The other guy in the elevator played the bun tuba pretty much all the way to the 39th floor." (Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.) Complete with a Staake cartoon of Mike Gips and generic Loser; the other side says "Schlock and Haw." 3rd place: CAILMNR > Miracall: When you answer your phone and your young adult offspring says: "Hi, Mom, how are you doing? "¦ No, I don't need any money, just wanted to say hello." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the 'awful sounds' noisemaker: CAILMNR > Clam mail: Louis DeJoy's new "improvement" on snail mail. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: BEFILON > Foible file: Where your brain stores the memories of every mistake you ever made so it can bring them all out when you're trying to fall asleep. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) TIMPRUY > Pity: Honorable mentions ABEGMTY: — MAGAbyte: A unit of digital disinformation. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) — MAGAbaby: A person who deserves support and protection, until the person is born. (Mark Raffman) — Gabbage: Talk show content. (Stu Segal, Charlotte, who last got Invite ink in Week 138, 1995) — Maybe-get: An item you put in your shopping cart noncommittally, so you can decide later whether to actually purchase. (Diane Parham, Columbia, S.C., a First Offender) ABILTVY: — Lavity: Potty humor. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) — Tabby alibi: "I couldn't have knocked over the plant, Your Honor — I was napping the entire day in question." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) ACFILRY > Caffilry: Emergency reinforcements in the form of java. "When you hit that midmorning wall, it's time to call in the caffilry." (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) BEFILON > BFFN: Best friend for now. "Just being honest with my abbreviations," Mona explained. (Steve Honley, Washington) BAMNRTU: — Buttbra: It lifts, but ideally doesn't separate. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) — Numbrr: What Dad sets the thermostat to in winter. (Jesse Frankovich) — Bamarunt: The Crimson Tide lineman who's only 285 pounds. (Nancy McWhorter, Isle of Palms, S.C., who last got Invite ink 21 years ago) BEFILON: — Fibillion: Such a big number, you wouldn't believe how big! "Just my golf courses are easily worth a fibillion." (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) — Febillion: How much Jeff Bezos made last month. (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) CAILMNR > Camcalm: The veneer of sanity we project on Zoom calls. "After tossing the cat off the laptop, then wiping up the resulting coffee spill, Joan swiftly sat in her chair, composed herself, and exuded total camcalm just as the meeting began." (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) DALNRUY > Aynrandy: How amorous capitalists act. "I kissed her ear, whispering 'deregulation,' and she became totally aynrandy." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) EACLTYZ > Lay-Zee: The acclaimed nap artist. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) HCDEIKL: — Hick dickie: Just the collar and surrounding six inches of a T-shirt. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) — CheckHide: A game repeatedly played by dining partners. "No, I'll pay!" "No, I insist!" "This one's mine!" "You paid last time!" Winner: "Okay, but the next one's on me." (Kathleen Delano, McLean, Va.) FACELPT > Faceflap: Mouth of a nonstop talker. "Jeez, will you tie down your faceflap for just one minute?" (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) KCEHINT: — Theheck: What Southerners cook out of their vegetables. (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.) — Nicki 'n' Keith 'n' Ken: A Minaj à trois. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) LBDFINO > Li'lbido: You at 50 versus you at 20. (Pete Morelewicz) LDGNOUY > Nonnounology: The study of how nouns get verbed and then texted, messaged, Skyped, Facebooked and Instagrammed. (Frank Osen) LBIMOTY > Lobotomommy: What a sleep-deprived mother of an infant can feel like. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) LDGNOUY > Logyn: What's on the first page of the website where you make your Pap smear appointment. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) MACHNOR > Rancorman: "Now that Rush is gone, Tucker seems to be assuming the Rancorman mantle." (Bob Kruger, Rockville; Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) TABDMOR: — Mortarboardom: That feeling when it's been 45 minutes and the dean just started calling up the G's. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) — Doormatador: A really bad bullfighter. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) THILMNO: — Lint-Mint: A fuzzy piece of candy that you find in the pocket of the jacket you never wear, when you suddenly realize you have bad breath. (Frank Osen; Diane Parham) — Milliton: One thousandth of a ton, or two pounds. "I've started my diet six months ago and I've already lost a milliton!" (Jack Doherty, Great Mills, Md.) UACNORT: — No-u-canto: An aria with impossibly high notes. (Tom Witte) — Urñata: A fun way to spread your loved one's ashes. (Jeff Hazle) — Cancún U-turn: A quick reversal of an extremely unpopular decision. "When the teachers threatened to quit en masse, the superintendent made a Cancún U-turn and declared that learning would remain virtual after all." (Eric Nelkin) VAEGLUY > Luvvy-Guvvy: The feeling that once pervaded Albany, N.Y. (anachronism). (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) BEFILON > Enbee: Include a word in the New York Times game that nobody uses anywhere else, like "enhalo." (Kevin Davis, San Diego, a First Offender) ABEGMTY > Beegamy: Equal commitment to your spouse and a certain daily word game. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) And Last: LBIMOTY > Looblot and tootblot: Invitational ink earned with a toilet or fart joke. "I'm not proud of it, but about two-thirds of my inks are looblots or tootblots." (Bill Dorner) And Even Laster: KCEHINT > Ink tithe: "Why, Empress, what greasy palms you have!" (Jesse Frankovich) Still running — deadline Monday night, March 22: our contest for "A, or B" puns about historic events. See wapo.st/invite1427. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. The letter sets for use in Week 1428: ADNRSUW DHILRTY BEERRWY EEILNNT AENPRRT BDEITUY ABDGINW CIIMMRY AEGMNRT ADINSTT AEIITTV BEEQSTU EEHMORT AAGHRSW CEORRSY CEOPRTT AAEGNPT ILMNOOT EENOPTY AAEGPSS CDEEKLR AEEINTV AAEPPRT EFHIRSY EMPRTTU EIINNNP FILLNUY EEKNOTY CEIPRST ACELNPU AABGINT AOPRSTW AABCELN CEHIMNY EELPRTZ ACLOOPR BELMORT DGIOPRY AALNSTY DGLNOUY ====================================================================== WEEK 1429, published March 28, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1429: Yuk of the draw — winning cartoon captions Plus yet more fun with Shakespeare in this week's new contest. By Pat Myers March 25, 2021 at 9:52 a.m. EDT Add to list(Click here to skip down to this week's new contest, Week 1429) Week 1425 was the umptieth in a series of Bob Staake cartoon caption contests, featuring the four cartoons below. Image without a caption (Cartoons by Bob Staake for the Washington Post) Fourth place: "Actually, it's technically not a cat. Or a tree." (John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.) "I was checking for shorts in the electrical grid and I think I found some." (Scott Straub, Winchester, Va.) "I guess that clown thought the slogan was 'Hang Mike's Pants.' " (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) "At least 12 of them crammed into my car and then they just drove off! I couldn't see their faces, but one left behind a clue." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) "The good news, Senator Cruz, is that we've found them and they are not literally on fire." (Lani Jacobson, Herndon, who last got ink in 1995, also with a caption) AD "Hi, Joe. Yes, Secretary Pete, bless his heart, is doing his best to make infrastructure sexy." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "Let's keep this between you, me and the lamppost." (Carol Lasky, Boston, a First Offender; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Hello, Acme Cleaners? I think you misunderstood me about giving my shorts a light pressing." (Larry Yungk, Wyoming, Ohio) "Yes, officer, I realize it's after midnight. I'm assuming they're late bloomers." (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) "PLANTS! You were supposed to hang PLANTS from the streetlights!" (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) Combing his nose hairs on his way home from Mardi Gras, Ralph suddenly realized why his nether regions were feeling so drafty. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) ------ Image without a caption The winner of the Clowning Achievement: Jack hopes his inflatable-luggage gag goes viral. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) AD On long flights, Al always brought his own bidet. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) "Quiet, Senator Cruz, we're almost to the gate." (Frank Osen) "You're ready to board, ma'am. And when your husband steps up with your support warthog, I'll make sure you're seated together." (David Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.) If that box ended up in front of her, Sue sure hoped it wouldn't tilt its seat backward. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) Louis found no joy when he had to personally deliver all the delayed mail. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) "When I fly United, I like to bring along a spare engine." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) Always disappointed by the airplane overhead storage, Tom now brings his own. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Gerald knew airline food was really expensive, so he brought a box lunch. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.; Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) AD Things were never easy for Mr. Atlas, but the carry-on-baggage hassle was the worst. (Kevin Mellema, Tabor City, N.C.) Sidney believed in the "hide in plain sight" approach to smuggling drugs. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) -------- Image without a caption Third place: Pa Kent learned never to try to take little Clark's bottle. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Jeff Shirley) By the end of Week 1, it was already clear that 2021 was not as serene as other New Year babies. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.; Seth Tucker, Washington) Greg soon regretted asking the genie for a scantily clad babe. (Duncan Stevens) Henry was amazed at the effectiveness of infant karate lessons. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) "And then put your legs up like this for a diaper change! Do I have to do everything for you?" (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) AD "Lucky punch! Two out of three?" (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) ----- Image without a caption Second place and the backward-running wall clock: NASA neutralizes the threat of asteroids hitting the Earth with its new low-budget, all-volunteer program. (Lawrence McGuire) Hilda quickly regretted agreeing to be the backup plan for NASA's Perseverance landing. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Sally hated working during Library Overdue Fines Mondays. (Rob Huffman) Desperate for wide receivers, the Washington Football Team held tryouts for walk-ons. (Duncan Stevens) "MOM! I've been doing this tightrope act for years. KNOCK IT OFF!" (Danielle Nowlin) Nora immediately regretted wearing the fishnet skirt during salmon mating season. (Chuck Smith) Automation soon eliminated Mabel's job as the airport windsock. (Kevin Dopart) AD Rita was sure that once they got to know him up there, her late husband would be kicked out. (Jeremy Roth, Clinton, Conn., a First Offender) And this week's new contest: . . . Week 1429: Forsoothsayers Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend. ("Hamlet") Or: "I have a good way to really screw over the hedge funds that are shorting GameStop." (Duncan Stevens) There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. ("Hamlet") Or: "What if HUGO CHAVEZ and GEORGE SOROS STOLE the ELECTION with JEWISH SPACE LASERS?" (Duncan Stevens) Once again we have fun with our favorite public-domain, Web-available writer, the Bard Himself, in a contest suggested by Hall of Fame Loser Duncan Stevens, whom perhaps we should call Duncan Who Hath Been So Clear in His Great Office. This week: Quote a line or so from any Shakespeare work, and exemplify it with a contemporary quote, real or imagined, as in Duncan's examples above. You may use any Shakespeare edition you happen to have or find, but tell me which work you're quoting from. AD Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1429 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, April 5; results appear April 25 in print, April 22 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two little bars of soap: One says Wm. Shakespeare's Bard of Soap ("Much ado about bathing"); the other is Lady Macbeth's Guest Soap ("Out, damned spot!" of course). Both donated by infinite jester Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punder-achiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guide-lines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Yuk of the Draw" was sent in by both Jesse Frankovich and Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; get the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Honorable Mentions subhead, "Doodly Squat", was sent in by Jesse Frankovich and appeared only in print version. AD The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's — published late Thursday, March 25 — at wapo.st/conv1429. The "You're Invited" podcast: Twelve half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. Still running — deadline Monday night, March 29: Our contest for new words coined from ScrabbleGrams "racks." See wapo.st/invite1428. And next week ... we're back to the foals. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1430, published April 4, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1430: Back to racing speed with our annual foal contest Pun for the Roses in our biggest week of the year. Plus winning plays on headlines. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 1, 2021 at 10:06 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning bank headlines) "Breed" DEFEATER with UNO and name the foal WE ONE! Santa Cruiser x Tarantino = Slay Warrant x Count Tolstoy = Warrant Peace As we warily squint toward some light that we think we might see at the end of the tunnel, The Style Invitational returns to its regular schedule of annual horse name "breeding" contests, after the Kentucky Derby was postponed last year to September from its usual first Saturday in May. Year after year, this contest proves to be our most popular, drawing some 4,000 pun-soaked entries to a delightedly overwhelmed Empress. This week: At the bottom of this page is a list of 100 of the horses nominated for the 2021 Triple Crown races: the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes and Belmont Stakes. "Breed" any two names and name the "foal" to humorously play off both parents' names, as in the examples above. (Yes, we know they're almost all male. We do not care.) AD As in actual thoroughbred racing, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but the name should be easy to read. Please write entries in the format of the second and third example above, and note the formatting instructions on this week's entry form. They're easy but essential if you would like The Overwhelmed E to gaze upon your cleverness after she sorts the entries alphabetically. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1430 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, April 12; results appear May 2 in print, April 29 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a handsome hardcover copy of "Walter the Farting Dog," the classic picture book about the chronically flatulent pooch who saves the day when burglars come in and . . . you know. Donated by 84-time Loser Pie (as in Cutie) Snelson. AD Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Head Games" was submitted by both Dave Prevar and Jeff Contompasis; Kevin Dopart, Chris Doyle and Tom Witte each sent in the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you're new to the foal contest, see this week's — published late afternoon Thursday, April 1 — at wapo.st/conv1430. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Head games: The bank headlines of Week 1426 In Week 1426, as she does every year or so, the Empress asked you to misinterpret news headlines and ads by following a real headline with a fake bank hed, or subtitle. 4th place: Parade magazine: Give Your Immune System the Support It Needs Bank hed: 'C'mon, Immune System! Only a Couple More Months, You Can Make It!' (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 3rd place: Find a spot for COVID shots Experts suggest an arm; butts said to slow down line (John Klayman, Fairfax, Va.) 2nd place and the cubic globe: Texans, let your little light shine Governor recommends candles for next power outage (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: US 45 resurfacing project starts Monday Former president getting skin peel, de-oranging (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Errheads: Honorable mentions Four steps to ease covid patients back to exercise After couple days of that, try moving up to five steps (Jesse Frankovich) AD Jermaine Fowler seeks a name for himself How about 'Jermaine Fowler,' experts suggest (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Administration backs nation's biggest wind farm off Martha's Vineyard No injuries reported as turbines crash into water (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) Auburn basketball could be much improved next season Washing off months of sweat expected to restore bright orange hue (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Biden grasped what the media did not Diane Sawyer's shoulders long considered off-limits (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) Chief Wants Guard to Stay in DC Biden Pleads With Wizards: Don't Trade Bradley Beal! (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Emotional and exuberant New 'Jeopardy!' category of 4-syllable words starting with E excites contestants (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) AD The future remains the focus for the O's 'We'll get better at this,' newlyweds vow (Gary Crockett) GOP governors bet on bucking virus rules Actually, they didn't say 'bucking' (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Six lessons to help us move forward 1. Lift left leg. 2. Bend left knee . . . (Jesse Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.) How will the offensive line competition shake out? Nasties vie for coveted Snarkiest Tweet award (Beverley Sharp) How to strengthen the defensive line Politicians reveal their secrets to the fine art of excuse-making (Jesse Frankovich) NFL sets salary cap at $182.5 million Also, Congress won't raise $7.25 minimum wage (Jesse Rifkin) Study uses smart speakers to detect irregular heartbeats Obama, Thunberg found to sense people's palpitations (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) This fall, Arlington Public Schools will offer five days of in-person learning Aiming for up to two weeks next winter (Kevin Dopart, Washington) AD USPS needs more money, DeJoy says 'Just please don't mail it to us' (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) What to do when your unit needs repairs Bring it in, say urologists (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles) She found her birth father via DNA. He's a fugitive accused of killing his whole family. We put them together in the Washington Post Date Lab (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Data: trips rebounding 'Star Trek' character finds out he sucks at basketball (Steve Honley, Washington) Here's the difference between the Democrats and the Republicans Response Code 500: Your query generated too many results; cannot download (Todd DeLap) Athletes break out on social media Basketball stars stream acne eruptions on TMI.com, get 4 million views (Robert Blatt, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) Great apes at the San Diego Zoo got coronavirus vaccines Popular kissing booth to reopen next month (Hannah Seidel) AD 'Didn't sound like anybody else' Music critic tries tactful review (Duncan Stevens) Civil suits may pry out the information we need to hold Trump accountable 'We've Got Him Now' Version 2497 to be released (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Early in Biden's term, GOP shows the places they'll go McConnell, McCarthy demand Republican-only restrooms in Capitol (Chris Doyle) Going small adds up to a big change Stormy Daniels reflects on the brief affair that changed her life (Frank Mann, Washington) Harris faces dueling pressures, expectations Veep nervous about pistols at 30 paces, prefers swordplay (Mark Raffman) Idaho men pass giant beach ball 4,169 times for Guinness record 'Just deflate it, swallow, do the thing, wash it off, and repeat' (Stu Segal, Charlotte) Pandemic inspires more than 1,200 new German words All of which end in -scheisse (Sam Mertens) AD Separate eggs with no stress or mess Just put six over here and six over there (Duncan Stevens) Missing out on the full story How a bank-headline contest has ruined my morning reading (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Still running — deadline Monday night, April 5: Our contest to modernize a Shakespeare quote. See wapo.st/invite1429. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. The 100 horses (part of a group of about 400) to "breed" for Week 1430: Affable American Drama Arabian Prince Avenue Beep Beep Best Bet Big Fish Big Lake Big Thorn Breadman Brooklyn Strong By George Candy Man Rocket Cantata Captain Fantastic Chaos Reigns Circumvent Classier Concert Tour Core Curriculum Count Tolstoy Crowded Trade Defeater Defunded Deservedly Dream Shake Du Jour Elector Essential Quality Fairchild Federal Bureau Fenway Fly Like an Eagle Fortified Founder Freedom Fighter Gershwin Get Her Number Greatest Honour Gretzky the Great Harvard Helium Hidden Stash Highly Motivated Hold the Salsa Hot Rod Charlie Hush of a Storm Hyperfocus I Am the Law Isolate Joe Man Joe Keepmeinmind Known Agenda Law Professor Lemon Pop Life Is Good Like the King Likeable Magnificent Midnight Bourbon Money Mike Moonlite Strike Myopic Never Surprised Next Notable Exception O Besos One Fast Cat Outasite Overtook Petruchio Pickin' Time Prate Prevalence Prime Factor Proxy Ram Rebel's Romance Red Flag Risk Taking Royal Tryst Sainthood Santa Cruiser Savile Row Scarred Sittin on Go Soup and Sandwich Spielberg Stayin' Out Late Super Stock Swing Low Tarantino The Great One Troubadour Ubiquitous Unbridled Honor Uno Untreated Warrant Whole Shebang ====================================================================== WEEK 1431, published April 11, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1431: The On-Our-Way-Back Machine Tell how life will be different post-pandemic. Plus winning puns about historic events. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 8, 2021 at 9:30 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning history puns — prepare to groan) Yes, we know we're not out of the woods yet. A maddening number of people (i.e., anything over zero) have taken our progress against the pandemic as a reason to toss their masks, sneeze on one another, etc.: It's like running from a wildfire in those very woods, reaching your car, and then setting up a tripod for a really nice photo of the flames before you leave. Still, as millions of us each day are getting jabbed up (the Empress got her second shot this past week), offices are beginning to beckon us back, traffic slows to that feels-like-old-times crawl, we can't help but think toward a post-pandemic time — as several Style Invitational readers have suggested. This week: Tell us how (in some funny way) things will be different as we emerge from the pandemic. We'll have to repurpose all those masks, for example. No strict format; the E is just looking for the funny. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1431 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, April 19; results appear May 9 in print, May 6 online. A printable option of the various hand gestures you can make with this week's prize cookie cutter. A printable option of the various hand gestures you can make with this week's prize cookie cutter. (Photos by Karla Miller) Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a super-handy hand-shaped cookie cutter, suitable for making, duh, hand-shaped cookies whose fingers you may shape into the gesture of your choice. Donated by The Post's Karla Miller, who created the L for Loser cookie shown here. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Puns Upon a Time" is by Chris Doyle; Chris and Jesse Frankovich both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column will return next Thursday at wapo.st/styleconv. They'll give you a hand: Karla Miller's daughters Nyssa, 11, and Arya, 8, with cookies made from this week's prize. (Karla donated a brand-new cutter for us.) They'll give you a hand: Karla Miller's daughters Nyssa, 11, and Arya, 8, with cookies made from this week's prize. (Karla donated a brand-new cutter for us.) The "You're Invited" podcast: A dozen half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Puns upon a time: History wordplay from Week 1427 In Week 1427 we asked for pairs of puns about historic (or legendary) events in the "A, or B" form that was often used in the "next time" teaser on the old "Rocky and Bullwinkle" cartoon shows. Some of the dates are ballpark figures; in the case of legends, well, whatever. 4th place: 1996: Birth of Dolly the sheep, the first cloned mammal: Don't Need Ewe Anymore, or Mutton Two It (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: 1869: Transcontinental Railroad completed: Cross-Training, or Laid to West (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2nd place and the monster that pops out of your shirt pocket: 1858: Invention of the ironing board: Pressing News, or My Joy in Creases (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: 2008: Sen. John McCain announces his running mate: Impalin' the Ticket, or Wasilladvised (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Lasts from the past: Honorable mentions The biblical Flood: On Your Ark, Get Set, Go! or High-Intensity Interval Raining (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) ADVERTISING God feeds the Israelites in the desert: To the Manna Born, or Wander Bread (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) 500 B.C.: Hindus adopt vegetarianism: We Can't Go on Meating Like This, or Don't Have a Cow, Man (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) A.D. 40: Emperor Caligula says he'll appoint his horse as a senator: Very Stable Genius, or Neigh on the Filly, Buster (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 79: Mount Vesuvius erupts: For the Lava God, Run! or A Pompeian in the Ash (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) — Flashes to Ashes, or Adjust to Dust (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 500: Irish bishop banishes serpents: Scoring a Pat Trick, or A Whole Lotta Snakin' Goin' On (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.) [there is no evidence that there have ever been wild snakes in Ireland] 1518: The Dancing Plague of Strasbourg: Soul Chorea, or In Vitus to the Party (Mary Ann Henningsen Frankenfeld, Oakland, Calif.) 1600: Founding of the East India Company, which grew to dominate trade in much of Southern Asia: Open the Bombay Doors, or India Inc. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 1687: Newton's law of gravitation: A Fruit-Fall Endeavor, or Apple-ied Science (Mark Raffman) 1688: Common soldier Charles Sanson is appointed Executioner of Paris: The Horseless Headsman, or He'll Ax You Only Once (Dean Alterman, Lake Oswego, Ore.) 1692: The Salem witch trials: Spellbound, or Hex in the City (Diana Oertel, San Francisco) 1752: Ben Franklin discovers electricity in lightning: Go Fry a Kite, or Someone Left the Kook Out in the Rain (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 1783: End of the Revolutionary War: The First Brexit, or Hicks Nix Brits in Stix (Stu Segal, Charlotte) 1814: Restoration of the French monarchy: Bonaparting Gift, or Bourbon Renewal (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 1824: Invention of Braille: Give It Your Best Dot, or I Feel What You Did There (Hannah Seidel) 1843: Charles Dickens's "A Christmas Carol" is published: Whither Thou Ghost, or The Turn of the Scrooge (Beverley Sharp) 1845: Andrew Jackson's parrot removed from his funeral service for swearing: Cold Hickory, or Rites & Responsibilities of Psittacines (Mary Ann Henningsen Frankenfeld) 1846: The Liberty Bell suffers a major crack: Dud Ringer, or Toll Free (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 1846-47: The Donner party disaster: Mother and Fodder, or Who Wants a Pappy Meal? (Tom Witte) 1879: Edison's electric bulb: A Step in the Light Direction, or Filamentary, My Dear (Jesse Frankovich) 1901: Huge cache of fossils is discovered on the Rancho La Brea property: What in Tar-Nation? or Check Your Pits! (Mark Raffman) 1904-14: Building of the Panama Canal: Can You Dig It?, or Isthmus Be the Place (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) 1912: Sinking of the Titanic: Ay-yi-yi, Captain! or Ship out of Luck (Jonathan Jensen) — Sink Along With Me, or I Only Have Ice for You (Rob Cohen, Potomac) 1919: Conrad Hilton buys his first hotel: Overnight Success, or Inn: The Beginning (Duncan Stevens) 1922: King Tut's burial chamber discovered: Mummy Dearest, or The Tomb Where It Happened (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) 1929: Wall Street crash: Stock Bottom, or Apocalypse Dow (Jesse Frankovich) 1938: Superman debuts in Action Comics No. 1: Kal-El-lujah!, or Cape Diem (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) 1947: Chuck Yeager breaks the sound barrier: OK Boomer, or Beware the Rides of Mach (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 1953: Rosalind Franklin's under-credited discovery of DNA structure: Up a Crick, Watson, or You Can Both Go to H-E-Double-Helix (Sarah Walsh) 1960: Kennedy wins out over a perspiring Nixon in the first televised presidential debate: Ugly-Sweater Contest, or Schvitz and Misses (Tom Witte) 1967: Pirates of the Caribbean attraction opens at Disneyland: Bring Us Your Treasure!, or It's Arrr-Rated (Mark Raffman) 1967: "Summer of Love" in San Francisco: Shall We Gather by the Reefer, or Weed Shall Overcome (Jonathan Jensen) 1974: Mikhail Baryshnikov defects from Russia: Pointe of No Return, or Pliés to Meet You (Kevin Dopart) 1978: Successful birth from in vitro fertilization: Upward Motility, or We Couldn't Give at the Orifice (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) 2001: Space station returns to Earth: Russian Back Home, or A Mir Drop in the Ocean (Cheryl Denney White, Hartsdale, N.Y.) 2014: Body-image-embracing "All About That Bass" is a pop hit: That Tuchus Forever, or Lend Me Your Rears (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) 2015: Same-sex marriage legalized: The Rainbow Connection, or Ordering Grooms' Service (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 2017: Obsequiousness on display at Trump's first full Cabinet meeting: The Fawner Points of Life, or A Hind Is a Terrible Thing to Taste (Kevin Dopart) 2021: The national anthem sung terribly at the CPAC convention: Bomb Bursting, or Treble Without Applause (Duncan Stevens) And Last: 1993: The Style Invitational debuts: Empressive Czarcasm, or Decency Dies in Dorkness (Kevin d'Eustachio, Beltsville, Md.) And Even Laster 2003: The Empress takes over The Style Invitational: Catch a Falling Czar, or Another Lousy Magnate (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Still running — deadline Monday night, April 12: Our annual horse name "breeding" contest. See wapo.st/invite1430. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1432, published April 18, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1432: Turn tale and run with it Do a twist on a folktale or children's song. Plus winning neologisms from ScrabbleGrams. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 15, 2021 at 9:48 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning neologisms from ScrabbleGrams "racks") To sabotage giants, to truly defeat them, don't waste your time planting some magic legumes — just stir them (like I did) with salsa and eat them, then jet through the sky on the power of fumes. This week's contest was inspired by a typically devilishly delightful new book by the poet, humorist and 174-time Style Invitational Loser Melissa Balmain. In "The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy Tale Reboots for Adults," published by Humorist Books, Melissa serves up a host of fresh, wry, often adults-only perspectives on your classic folktales in such poems as "Pinocchio Runs for Office," "Not So Snow White" and, above, "Jack Admits There Was No Beanstalk." This week: Offer a new angle on a folk tale, nursery rhyme, children's song, etc., with a short poem, mini-story (under 100 words) or song parody. This contest's inspiration and second prize all in one. This contest's inspiration and second prize all in one. (Humorist Books) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1432 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, April 26; results appear May 16 in print, May 13 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a copy of "The Witch Demands a Retraction," which Melissa will sign and send to you. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Laugh Racks" is by Chris Doyle; Dave Prevar wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late afternoon on Thursday, April 15, at wapo.st/conv1432. The "You're Invited" podcast: A dozen half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Laugh racks: ScrabbleGrams neologisms from Week 1428 Week 1428 was the eighth installment of The Tile Invitational, in which we supply a list of seven-letter "racks" from the ScrabbleGrams syndicated word game, and ask you to make new words and phrases of five, six or seven letters. So many Losers looked at AAGHRSW and saw HAR SWAG, which of course is a pile of Loser Magnets, mugs, bags, disembodied clown heads, etc. 4th place: ACELNPU > UNCLAP: To sheepishly stop applauding when you realize no one else is, then look around to see who the "idiot" was. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: AENPRRT > REPANT: What one should do immediately after succumbing to sins of the flesh — especially if there's a sound at the door. (Deanna Busick, Knoxville, Tenn.) 2nd place and the 'You're Invited' podcast coffee mug: CEIPRST > CREPIT: Not fallen apart yet. "Oh, no, Grandma's very crepit. 'Arrhythmia' is just the name of her dance team." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: AAEPPRT > PAP ART: My OB/GYN is so skilled, she doesn't just make a "smear" . . . (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) EEHMORT > MEH: Honorable mentions AABCELN > ABC LANE: That's how you get to Sesame Street. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) AABGINT > BANGIT: When you can't decide between "damnit" and "---- it," this'll do. (Jamie Martindale, Samut Prakan, Thailand) AABGINT > ANTIBAG: Someone who'll carry 20 items out of the supermarket in his hands rather than paying the nickel. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn; Bill Dorner, Indianapolis; Tanja Cilia, Santa Venera, Malta) AAEGNPT > PANGATE: An all-encompassing scandal engulfing an entire administration. (Sorry, I can't think of an example.) (Jeff Contompasis) AAEGNPT > NAPGATE: A leaked photo of the president nodding off at his desk will be remembered as the biggest scandal of the Biden administration. (Jamie Martindale; Bill Dorner) AAEGNPT > NEATGAP: The difference in tidiness between you and your significant other. "With my ex, the neatgap was a chasm lined with dirty socks." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) AAEGPSS > GPaSs: The guy who insists that his phone knows better than you do how to get to your house. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) AAEGPSS > AGE PASS: What you give to Great-Aunt Erma with a sigh when she starts with the cutting comments. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) AAEPPRT > PEATRAP: Just like a piehole, but daintier. (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) AAEPPRT > PRE-TAPA: The Big Mac you eat before going for small plates. (Jim Derby, Gettysburg, Pa.) AALNSTY > ANTSY AL: Nervous Nellie's significant other. (Jeff Loren, Seattle) AALNSTY > LA NASTY: You've heard of "Boston Strong"? Well . . . (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) AALNSTY > SATANLY: What you might answer if someone asked if you wanted those new Lil Nas X black and red sneakers. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) AALNSTY> ANALYST: A professional who can explain why the first thing you saw in this ScrabbleGram was ANAL STY (Kate Baughman, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) ABDGINW > WINBAG: Someone who can't stop talking about the election that was "stolen" from him. (Lawrence McGuire; Jesse Frankovich) ACELNPU> UNCLE PA: Villainous character in "Hamlet of the Ozarks." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) ACLOOPR > LOCO APR: What the car dealership offered on its "Crazy Cinco de Mayo Sales Event!!" (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) ACLOOPR > POOL ARC: The trajectory of your backyard investment from family novelty to neighborhood gathering spot to scum-green frog-breeding pond/money pit. (Lawrence McGuire) ADINSTT > STANDIT: The most difficult part of a job: If you can't, you quit. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) AEEINTV > AIEE-TV: 24 hours of horror movies, bungee jumping and roller coasters. (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.; Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) AEGMNRT > GRAMNET: What your kids call Facebook. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.; Mark Raffman) AENPRRT > ENTARP: What to do when "entomb" is not immediately feasible. (Deanna Busick) AENPRRT > PERTNAR: Almost. "I'm pertnar through putting up with yer lip." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) AENPRRT > PRATNER: Stan, to Ollie. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) AOPRSTW > WAP-O's: The hot new cereal endorsed by Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion. (Jamie Martindale) AOPRSTW > AWSPORT: Kindergarten soccer, or the Puppy Bowl. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) BELMORT > BRO-MELT: A "grilled" cheese sandwich that's heated up in the "press" of an armpit. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) CEOPRTT > PET ROT: An extremely fleeting novelty toy consisting of googly eyes pasted on a ball of garbage. (Frank Osen) DGIOPRY > DIG-PRY: A nosy question that also manages to be an insult. "So what did you pay for that interesting, um — I guess that's a purse?" (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) DGIOPRY > GOD-PRY: "So tell me: Have you been saved?" (Roy Ashley, Washington) DGIOPRY > PODIGY: An amazing remote-schooled student who actually learned something during the pandemic. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) DGIOPRY > GOD-RIP: You know how when you were a kid they told you that thunder is the sound of the Lord bowling? Well, it's not. (Danielle Nowlin) DGLNOUY > UNDOGLY: Frustratingly untrainable, like a cat. (Adie Peña, Makati, Philippines) EEHMORT > METR'OH! Abbreviation for "I knew I should have just driven to work today!" (Mark Raffman) EEILNNT > ENLINT: What my dryer does to my socks. (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) EFHIRSY > HEIRSY: A belief that appalls your parents. "George Jr. was written out of the will after admitting the heirsy of voting for him in 2016 AND 2020." (Richard Franklin) ILMNOOT > LOIN-TO: A love shack. (Tom Witte) ILMNOOT > MILTOON: "Paradise Lost," the Classics Illustrated version. (Jim Derby; Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg) And Last: ACLOOPR > CORPOLA: Useless items emblazoned with advertising. "She calls them 'limited-edition Bob Staake artwork,' but aren't those magnets really just cheap corpola with the Washington Post logo on them?" (Jon Gearhart) And Even Laster, by too many people to credit: ACELNPU > PUNACLE: What Invite contestants strive to reach. Still running — deadline Monday night, April 19: Our contest about what will change post-pandemic. See wapo.st/invite1431. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1433, published April 25, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1433: Questionable Journalism Our perennial contest to reinterpret the paper. Plus wry Shakespeare translations. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 22, 2021 at 10:30 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning modern paraphrases of Shakespeare quotes) Sentence in The Post: "I'm encouraged that it hasn't been an overwhelming number of cases." Question it might answer: What's it like being an airport baggage handler as people start flying again? (Duncan Stevens) A. "Adults over 16 in all 50 states, plus D.C. and Puerto Rico, are eligible." Q. Who can try out to be the next host of "Jeopardy!"? (Ken Rosenbaum) Sometimes news reports can raise more questions than they answer. They don't necessarily raise good questions . . . And this is where, once again, you come in. This week: Choose any sentence (not a headline!) in an article or ad in The Washington Post or another publication dated April 22 through May 3, and write a question that it might humorously answer, as in the examples above from the April 19 Post, which the Empress solicited from members of the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. You don't have to use the entire sentence (and you can use two consecutive ones) but don't drop words out of the middle that would change the meaning of the sentence. Please include the name, date and page number of print papers and magazines, and a link to the Web page for online ones. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1433 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 3; results appear May 23 in print, May 20 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an oversize hardcover collection of 13 Dr. Seuss stories, including several being taken out of print because of old-time racist content. Donated by 85-time Loser Pie Snelson. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Update Your Will" is by Tom Witte; Tom also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, April 22, at wapo.st/conv1433. The "You're Invited" podcast: A dozen half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Update your Will: Modernized Shakespeare from Week 1429 In Week 1429 we asked you to exemplify a Shakespeare quote with a modern one, real or imagined. The Empress was looking for the same idea expressed in today's language by today's people, but some of the funnier entries took the words totally out of context, and so what the heck, she threw in a few of those, too. 4th place: Shakespeare: "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a man of infinite jest." ("Hamlet") Now: yorick lol (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 3rd place: "I have no spur to prick the sides of my intent, but only vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself, and falls on the other." ("Macbeth") "I announce my candidacy for president of the United States." (Nancy McWhorter, Isle of Palms, S.C.) 2nd place and the Shakespeare-pun soaps: "May I, sweet lady, beg a kiss of you?" ("Troilus and Cressida") "Hi! I'm Governor Cuomo." (Frank Mann, Washington) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: "If it be a sin to make a true election, she is damned." ("Cymbeline") "Ms. Abrams, the Georgia legislature thinks there's been way too much voting going on." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) The Errors of Comedy: Honorable mentions "How like a winter hath my absence been From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting year!" (Sonnet 97) "Two weeks since my second shot — here I come, Cheesecake Factory!" (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) "Devouring pestilence hangs in our air, and thou art flying to a fresher clime." ("Richard II") "There goes Ted off to Cancún!" (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) "Vengeance is in my heart, death in my hand/ Blood and revenge are hammering in my head."("Titus Andronicus") "I'm having a really bad day." (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) "Away with the dotard!" ("The Taming of the Shrew") "OK boomer." (Duncan Stevens) "I do desire we may be better strangers." ("As You Like It") [Swipe left.] (David Stonner, Washington; Jim Sproules, Arlington, Va., a First Offender; Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) "But men may construe things after their fashion, clean from the purpose of the things themselves." ("Julius Caesar") "I never really felt threatened at the Capitol" . . . they're people "that truly respect law enforcement, would never do anything to break a law." — Sen. Ron Johnson (Karen Golden, Prince Frederick, Md., a First Offender) "Nature teaches beasts to know their friends." ("Coriolanus") "It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side." — Trump on his pal Jeffrey Epstein (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) "Now I see the bottom of your purpose." ("All's Well That Ends Well") "Please don't stand up during a Zoom meeting." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "Alas, poor wenches, where are now your fortunes! Shipwreck'd upon a kingdom . . . " ("Henry VIII") "Ladies, I'm afraid your Amazon orders are stuck in the Suez Canal." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) "The empty vessel makes the loudest sound." ("Henry V") "The chair recognizes Senator Cruz." (Nancy McWhorter) "Stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie." ("Venus and Adonis") "Bring a bucket and a mop." — Cardi B (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) "Let the candied tongue lick absurd pomp, and lick the pregnant hinges of the knee, where advantage may follow fawning." ("Hamlet") "Is Kevin McCarthy going to Mar-a-Lago again?" (Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.) "Wisely, and slow. They stumble that run fast." ("Twelfth Night") "Take your time, Mr. President — the plane won't leave without you." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) " "¦ Then might I not say so, To give full growth to that which still doth grow." (Sonnet 115) Urologist: "You really should have called me after the fourth hour." (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) "Round about the cauldron go; in the poison'd entrails throw." ("Macbeth") "You can't beat home cooking." (Diana Oertel, San Francisco) "Out, damned spot." ("Macbeth") "Delete! Delete! Delete! My confirmation hearing is in an hour." (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) "We cannot be here and there too." ("Romeo and Juliet") "I just can't cope with Zoom AND the classroom any longer!" — "Remote-plus" teacher (Karen Golden) "All strange and terrible events are welcome, but comforts we despise." ("Antony and Cleopatra") "Welcome to Marine Corps basic training, maggot!" (David Stonner) "Good night! Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow!" ("Romeo and Juliet") "You hang up first." "No, YOU hang up first." "Okay, on the count of 3 ..." (Mark Nocera, Alexandria; Francesca Kelly, Highland Park, Ill.) "Haply your eye shall light upon some toy you have desire to purchase; and your store, I think, is not for idle markets, sir." ("Twelfth Night") "It's impossible — no one can ever 'just grab one quick thing' at Target." (Sarah Walsh) "Heat not a furnace for your foe so hot that it do singe yourself." ("Henry VIII") "Be careful what you're doing with that filibuster, Senator Schumer." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) "If thou hast no name to be known by, let us call thee devil!" ("Othello") "Mr. Snyder says the Washington Football Team has received a helpful suggestion." (Duncan Stevens) "I'll rant as well as thou." ("Hamlet") "I'd like to speak to the manager." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) "O, what a scene of foolery have I seen, Of sighs, of groans, of sorrow and of teen!" ("Love's Labour's Lost") "I resign as Matt Gaetz's communications director out of principle." (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) "Out with it boldly: truth loves open dealing." ("Julius Caesar") "Look, here's the deal, we will be transparent as soon as we are in a position to implement what we're doing, but I don't know when, to be clear." — President Biden's news conference (Drew Bennett) "Methought I was enamor'd of an ass." ("A Midsummer Night's Dream") "Deep in the jeans she's wearing/ I'm hooked and I can't stop staring." — Sir Mix-a-Lot (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.; Jeff Contompasis) "Sir, spare your threats: The bug which you would fright me with, I seek." ("The Winter's Tale") "No, really, I'm excited about the Brood X cicadas — they're fascinating." (Sarah Walsh) "Small things make base men proud." ("King Henry VI") "Look at these hands. Do these look like tiny hands to you?" (Jesse Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.) The common curse of mankind, folly and ignorance. ("Troilus and Cressida") "You can't fix stupid." (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) The miserable have no other medicine but only hope. ("Measure for Measure") "I'm sorry, your plan does not cover that prescription." (Nancy McWhorter) Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day. ("Macbeth") "I can't remember the last time I buttoned a shirt." (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) "There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune." ("Henry IV, Part I") "If you're going to hold up a bible in front of a church, you should probably be stronger on the whole 'love thy neighbor' thing." (Danielle Nowlin) And Last: "Oft expectation fails, and most oft there where most it promises." (All's Well That Ends Well") "If you think you're getting ink this week, think again." (Rob Cohen, Potomac; David Shombert, Washington) And Even Laster: "This is the pearl, that pleased your empress' eye." ("Titus Andronicus") "Hey, Pat; thanks for the magnet! So I guess you got that little package I sent?" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Still running — deadline Monday night, April 26: Our contest for novel takes on fairy tales, nursery rhymes, etc. See wapo.st/invite1432. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1434, published May 2, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1434: Go ahead, mate my bay This year's inking Triple Crown 'foal' names — and now, the 'grandfoal' contest Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers April 29, 2021 at 9:51 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to this year's winning "foals") Now let's take another gallop around the track for some pun-on-pun action, as we've done every year since 2006: This week: "Breed" any two of this week's inking foal names and name the "grandfoal." As always, the names may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but one or more characters may be numerals, punctuation marks or other symbols. You may run words together, but the name should be easy to read. Use the format Name A x Name B = Grandfoal, as on this page. See this week's entry form for a few more formatting tips. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1434 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 10; results appear May 30 in print, May 27 online. An alphabetized list of this week's horses appears at the bottom of this page. Drown your second-place sorrows with this vintage Derby souvenir glass. Drown your second-place sorrows with this vintage Derby souvenir glass. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine souvenir mint julep glass from the 1983 Kentucky Derby (winner: Sunny's Halo, progeny of Halo x Mostly Sunny; obviously Losers were not involved in the naming). Hey, I'll also take better names for Halo x Mostly Sunny! And the ones in the intro to the results. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Horse Jestnuts" was submitted independently by Great Minds Tom Witte, Jesse Frankovich and Chris Doyle; Sarah Walsh wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. This week, published late afternoon, April 29, some stats about the 3,834 entries to Week 1430. See wapo.st/conv1434. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Horse jestnuts: Inking foal names from Week 1430 In Week 1430 — the biggest Style Invitational contest of the year — we once again supplied a list of 100 of the horses nominated for this year's Kentucky Derby and other Triple Crown races, and asked you to "breed" any two names and name the "foal." Submitted too frequently among the 3,834 entries: Gershwin x Big Fish = Porgy and Bass; Overtook x Helium = Passed Gas. 4th place: Count Tolstoy x Uno = War and Pizza (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) 3rd place: Like the King x Breadman = Elvis Pretzely (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) 2nd place and the book 'Walter the Farting Dog': Troubadour x Chaos Reigns = Widespread Luting (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: One Fast Cat x Soup and Sandwich = Usain BLT (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Win, place, no: Honorable mentions Troubadour x Known Agenda = Rhymer Reason (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Royal Tryst x Savile Row = Lorde & Tailor (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Essential Quality x Swing Low = Pith & Pendulum (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) Affable x I Am the Law = Friendly FOIA (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Helium x Beep Beep = Ballooney Tunes (Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington) Beep Beep x By George = Clooney Tunes (Fred Shuback, Silver Spring, Md.) Affable x Risk Taking = Genial Herpes (Timothy D. Watts, Great Falls, Md.) Beep Beep x Hidden Stash = Wile E. Peyote (J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, Va.; Brent and Elizabeth McBurney, Alexandria, Va.) O Besos x Big Lake = Lip Loch (Kevin Dopart, Washington) ["Besos" means "kisses" in Spanish] Gershwin x O Besos = Porgy and Buss (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) By George x Untreated = She's Got It! (Mary McNamara, Washington) Highly Motivated x Big Fish = Carp Diem (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.) Never Surprised x Chaos Reigns = No Duh Rioty (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) Cantata x Defunded = Can'tata (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Outasite x Chaos Reigns = Outamind (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Chaos Reigns x Soup and Sandwich = Capital BLTway (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Federal Bureau x Classier = J Edgar Louvre (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Federal Bureau x Whole Shebang = J Edgar Oeuvre (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Harvard x Classier = School Near Boston (Michael Doyle, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) Defeater x Ubiquitous = It's All Over (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.; John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) Brooklyn Strong x Circumvent = Dodger (Bernard Brink) O Besos x Defunded = 0 Pesos (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.) Fly Like an Eagle x Midnight Bourbon = Fly Like an Emu (George Smith, Frederick, Md.) Gershwin X Defunded = Rhapsody in Red (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Gershwin x Hush of a Storm = Rhapsody Blew In (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Gershwin x Proxy = Replaceable You (Duncan Stevens) One Fast Cat x Greatest Honour = Zoomer Cum Laude (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) I Am the Law x One Fast Cat = Cuff Lynx (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) Hush of a Storm x Money Mike = Hush Stormy (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Rebel's Romance x Untreated= Clappomattox (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Red Flag x Untreated = Hammer and Sicko (Matt Monitto) Swing Low x Royal Tryst = Suite, Marriott (Jeff Shirley) Spielberg x Sainthood = E.T. Phone Rome (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) Savile Row x Santa Cruiser = HaberDasher (Fred Shuback) Spielberg x Tarantino = E. F'n T. (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) Untreated x Tarantino = Polyp Fiction (Mary McNamara) Gershwin x Risk Taking = IGotRhythmMethod (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.; Richard Friedman, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) Gershwin x Brooklyn Strong = I Got Rid 'Em (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) Ubiquitous X Keepmeinmind = I'm Biquitous Too (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) Hot Rod Charlie x Never Surprised = Vroom and Bored (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) Super Stock x Chaos Reigns = Merch Madness (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Swing Low x Tarantino = Tango Unchained (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) Beep Beep x Hidden Stash = HonkIfYou'reHoardy (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) Big Fish x Gershwin = Tuna Piano (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) The Great One x Defunded = Waning Gretzky (Frank Mann, Washington) Count Tolstoy x Elector = Recount Tolstoy (Pam Sweeney) Core Curriculum x Tarantino = Gore Curriculum (Chuck Smith) Sainthood x Gretzky the Great = Saint Hat Trick (Jonathan Jensen) Moonlite Strike x Gretzky the Great = Whacks and Wayne (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Pam Sweeney) Fly Like an Eagle x Stayin' Out Late = TimeKeepsOnSlippin (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.) Big Fish x Hold the Salsa = Marlin Blando (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) I Am the Law x Hold the Salsa = Mild Bill Hickok (Laurie Brink) I Am the Law x Hold the Salsa = Wyatt Urp (George Thompson) Soup and Sandwich x Hyperfocus = Mmph! Talk Later (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) Joe Man Joe x Pickin' Time = Joe Ban Jo (Bernard Brink; Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.) Petruchio x Hidden Stash = TamingOfTheShroom (Bill Smith, Reston, Va.) Santa Cruiser x Joe Man Joe = Polar Espresso (Matt Monitto) By George x Overtook = Bye, George (Duncan Stevens) Tarantino x Big Lake = Pulp Fishin' (Rob Wolf; Lewis Lesansky, Burke, Va.) Affable x Likable = Bitter Inside (John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.) Outasite x Untreated = Parasite (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring; Steve Honley, Washington) Spielberg x Savile Row = Clothes Encounters (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.; Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.; Mary McNamara) Big Lake x Defunded = On Pyrite Pond (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Hyperfocus x Arabian Prince: In Tents (John O'Byrne) Breadman x Arabian Prince: CruMBS (Kevin Dopart) Money Mike x Defunded = Mike (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.; Jeff Normandin, York, Maine, a First Offender; Jeff Shirley) Still running — deadline Monday night, May 3: Our recurring Questionable Journalism contest. See wapo.st/invite1433. -And!!! Are you starting to see cicadas? Keep an eye out for next week's contest. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ---- The "foals" to use for the Week 1434 grandfoal contest: 0 Pesos Ballooney Tunes Bitter Inside Bye, George Can'tata Capital BLTway Carp Diem Clappomattox Clooney Tunes Clothes Encounters CruMBS Cuff Lynx Dodger E. F'n T. E.T. Phone Rome Elvis Pretzely Fly Like an Emu Friendly FOIA Genial Herpes Gore Curriculum HaberDasher Hammer and Sicko HonkIfYou'reHoardy Hush Stormy IGotRhythmMethod I Got Rid 'Em I'm Biquitous Too In Tents It's All Over J Edgar Louvre J Edgar Oeuvre Joe Ban Jo Lip Loch Lorde & Tailor Marlin Blando Merch Madness Mike Mild Bill Hickok Mmph! Talk Later No Duh Rioty On Pyrite Pond Outamind Parasite Passed Gas Pith & Pendulum Polar Espresso Polyp Fiction Porgy and Bass Porgy and Buss Pulp Fishin' Recount Tolstoy Replaceable You Rhapsody Blew In Rhapsody in Red Rhymer Reason Saint Hat Trick School Near Boston She's Got It! Suite, Marriott TamingOfTheShroom Tango Unchained TimeKeepsOnSlippin Tuna Piano Usain BLT Vroom and Bored Waning Gretzky War and Pizza Whacks and Wayne Widespread Luting Wile E. Peyote Wyatt Urp Zoomer Cum Laude Bonus: You can also come up with a better name for Halo x Mostly Sunny than Sunny's Halo, winner of the 1983 Kentucky Derby. ====================================================================== WEEK 1435, published May 9, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1435: Who needs Peeps when we have CICADAS? Make a diorama or other artwork with the Brood X insects. Plus post-pandemic predictions. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) Image without a caption By Pat Myers Style Invitational editor May 6, 2021 at 9:56 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winners of our contest about what will change post-pandemic) The Washington Post Magazine's beloved Peeps diorama contest is no more, alas. But with the arrival this month in the D.C. area — which after all has been hurting for visitors since the pandemic — of literally BILLIONS of the Brood X (as in No. 10) cicadas after 17 years of waiting patiently underground, The Style Invitational is here to revive the tradition of Making Cute Art Out of Disgusting Things. The difference is that we understand that cicadas are actually edible. This week, at the suggestion of Invite fan Gail Wright: Create a witty visual artwork that includes at least one real cicada or cicada casing (the body-shaped shell from which the insect emerges) and send us a photo of it. Dioramas like the ones in the Peeps contests are certainly welcome but not required; there is no required size or shape, as long as it looks good in your photos — red-eye is a plus in this contest. Given The Style Invitational's tradition of wordplay, clever titles and/or captions are welcome as well (though not required). But as with the Peeps, impressive craftsmanship and a striking design can't hurt. Don't include others' copyrighted work in your work. We're pretty sure it tastes nothing like chicken. Silkworm pupae, this week's second prize. We're pretty sure it tastes nothing like chicken. Silkworm pupae, this week's second prize. In a rare fit of benevolence, the Empress will suspend her usual rule of one entrant per entry; if you think up the clever idea and your collaborator makes little cicada bowler hats and another puts up cicada-wing wallpaper, I'll credit you all. Also, you get half a month to do this, which should allow for you to find a few thousand ex-cicadas or casings. If you're not in a Brood X area, you're on Invite-vacation this week unless you can find someone to send you a few. (If you're under 13, you might instead make a picture of a cicada and send it to KidsPost's Brood X Gallery at wapo.st/kidspost_cicada_art.) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1435 (no capitals in the Web address). Please submit each entry on a separate form, or else the photo might not transmit. Deadline is Monday night, May 24; results appear June 6 in print, June 3 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. The Empress went to a Korean supermarket for this week's appropriate second prize, a can of boiled silkworm pupae. Runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Herd Inanity" is by William Kennard; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, featuring some past winners of Invite art contests (published late afternoon Thursday, May 6), at wapo.st/conv1435. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Herd inanity: How our lives will change after the pandemic In Week 1431 we asked for predictions (or "predictions") about how things will change after the pandemic. Many Losers lamented about how we need new excuses not to visit the in-laws; numerous others predicted a change in dress code to pants-free Fridays. 4th place: Cardboard-cutout sports fans are repurposed into fake HOV passengers. (Frank Mann, Washington) 3rd place: Dr. Fauci stars in three Marvel movies. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) 2nd place and the hand-shaped cookie cutter: Finally! I can't believe it's been over a year since I licked a doorknob! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Now it will be less awkward when Grandpa tells everyone how Pfizer saved his social life. (Ben Aronin, Washington) Falling down on the jab: Honorable mentions I'll go back to wearing old nylons on my face when I go to the bank. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) "Oh no, not a snow day! Please, please, please let me go to school to see my friends!" (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) 40/30 jeans will now be called "slim-fit." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) AA and WW will compete over who has more new members. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) After the schools reopen, Billy Wilkes, 14, of Kenosha, Wis., will be the first student sent to the principal's office for screaming "THIS IS SO BORING" after forgetting that he wasn't muted. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) The cicada mating orgy after 17 years of buildup is dwarfed by the number of hookups on dating apps. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Everyone's dominant hand will be shaky from the year of constantly moving the computer mouse to keep their Teams accounts from going idle. (Joe McManus, Silver Spring, Md.) At rock concerts, groupies will toss only new, still-in-the-wrapper underwear toward the stage. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) Cash-strapped arsonists are forced to ignite wildfires with leftover hand sanitizer, instead of the more traditional, but costly, Jewish space laser. (Frank Mann) Coronavirus test nasal swabs can be donated to zoos as a lifetime supply of Q-tips for elephants. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Damn, there goes my excuse for not hugging those grubby little grandkids! (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Take Your Kids to Work Day will return to only once a year. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) Everybody losing that "covid 15" weight will cause . . just kidding, nobody will lose that covid 15. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) FEMA will hold a donation drive to get thousands of now-unwanted backyard fire pits to Texas in time for the next winter power failure. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) For the 2022 elections in Georgia and Florida, all those unused masks will be repurposed as gags for voters. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) I'm going to hook my Peloton screen to my real bike so I can enjoy the outdoors! (Drew Bennett) To preserve passenger safety, Metro will designate Red and Blue train cars for riders with different politics. (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) In parks throughout Maryland and Virginia, people will take pictures of their friends posing on empty pedestals. (Kristin Braly, Baltimore) To deal with excess toilet paper: "—Instead of lemonade stands, kids will have TP stands to reduce the household stockpile. (George Smith, Frederick, Md.) "—Parents encourage kids to TP the neighbors' house. (Richard Lorentz, Woodland Hills, Calif., a First Offender) "—Everyone dresses as a mummy this Halloween. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.; Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) "—Citizens save coastal cities by using excess toilet paper to soak up rising sea levels. (Gary Crockett) "—Employees will take toilet paper to the supply closet at work. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) With social distancing relaxed, Washington Football Team defenders will stand only three feet away from the opponent's offense. (Jesse Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.) The lifting of restrictions on Florida social gatherings lets Matt Gaetz attend his girlfriends' proms. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) When the economy fully reopens, restaurants will have waiting lines, roads will be clogged, and gas prices will rise. Republicans will blame Biden. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Americans rush back to family holiday dinners and suddenly remember why they used to skip them. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) You can score some genuine Gucci face masks for only $49 each. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) We'll finally be able to eat bat tartare again! (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Want to avoid the next bridal shower or toddler birthday? Just mention your anti-vax views online, and no one will bother you. Ahhhh! (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) We can finally take essential workers for granted again. (Jesse Frankovich) You no longer know what time it is at work by what TV show is on. (Jon Gearhart) Wuhan Tourist Bureau 2022 campaign: "Come See Where It All DEFINITELY DID NOT Get Started" (Mark Raffman) You'll see a neighbor in the street who looks vaguely familiar, but your "aha" moment will come only once you picture them wearing a mask. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) New home construction will incorporate "Zoom rooms" with pre-decorated backgrounds of erudite-looking bookshelves and fascinating knickknacks. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) With all the extra plexiglass, we can give every mime his own invisible box. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) That gas station near my house will go back to cleaning the restrooms every June instead of its pandemic regimen of once a month. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Thousands of guys, finally meeting their Zoom girlfriends in person, will have to admit they're not "about 6-foot-2." (Leif Picoult) Beautiful women I don't even know will be able to spontaneously run up and kiss me as I walk the streets! It could happen. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) After the Biden administration's intensive vaccination campaign finally brings the spread under control, the ex-president will pop up and say, "See? I told you it would disappear." (Leif Picoult) People will recover their sense of taste, except of course when it comes to The Style Invitational. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, May 10: our annual "grandfoals" contest. See wapo.st/invite14340. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1436, published May 16, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1436: Haven't seen it — new plots for movie titles Plus winning new takes on folk tales, children's songs, etc. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers May 13, 2021 at 10:00 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning takes on folk tales, etc.) "Spring Break": A child is traumatized when his beloved Slinky rusts out. (Tom Witte) "Baby Makes Three": A new mother finds something really, really disgusting in a used diaper. (Russell Beland) "The Asphalt Jungle": In this series finale, Tarzan suffers his untimely death. (Kevin Jamison) Here's a contest that we've done, in slightly different forms, back in 2005 and once again in 2017. This week: Misinterpret a movie title in a supposed plot description, as in the inking entries above from Week 625, the first go-round. Except for the now-retired Invite Loser T-shirts, the best way to flaunt your 2nd-place Invite "achievement." Except for the now-retired Invite Loser T-shirts, the best way to flaunt your 2nd-place Invite "achievement." Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1436 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 24; results appear June 13 in print, June 10 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine brand-new big red "Biggest Loser" T-shirt — so big, frankly, that it must be intended for the early steps of the wearer's fitness journey. Donated by 86-time Loser Pie Snelson. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Re-tale Outlets" is by Jeff Shirley; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday afternoon, May 13, at wapo.st/conv1436. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Re-tale outlets: New takes on folktales from Week 1432 In Week 1432, inspired by Melissa Balmain's new poetry collection, "The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy Tale Reboots for Adults," the Empress asked for fresh takes — either poems or mini-stories — on folk tales, nursery rhymes or children's stories. 4th place: The Little Dutch Boy He discovered a leak from a hole in the dike, Which he plugged single-handed, though only a tyke. His heroic decision, the townspeople say, In a literal way kept the water at bay. For his age, he exhibited rare self-reliance; Was he driven as well by a sense of defiance? We can't say for sure, but all night he would linger, Insistently giving the ocean the finger. (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii) 3rd place: Mary had a little lamb, Along with some mint jelly. It went wherever Mary did 'Cause it was in her belly. Mary finished up her meal And drifted off to sleep Meanwhile, someone got a call: "I've got bad news, Bo Peep." (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place and a signed copy of Melissa Balmain's 'The Witch Demands a Retraction': The Emperor's New Clothiers "Trust the media mob, in its crudity, To sell papers by hyping up nudity And implying his garb was aberrant, When our liege was just being transparent!" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. Then he made them go away Encumbered by an NDA. (But richer by one-thirty K.) (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Aesop's Feebles: Honorable mentions Red Riding Hood carried a basket so fine Of toothsome delectables, pastries and wine. Her mother made sure she was beautifully dressed — This girl who on paper seems privileged and blessed. And so it is odd that this child wasn't more Successful at keeping the wolf from the door. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Bumble and the Beast If the Beast had tried dating online, Of true love he might still be bereft. Belle would certainly not think him fine And with nary a pause would swipe left. Then again, if he's much like most guys, To such fate he'd not meekly submit: He'd just puff up his profile with lies — And some Photoshopped pix of Brad Pitt. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Three sight-impaired mice! Three sight-impaired mice! See how they run, see how they run (actually, don't stare — it makes them uncomfortable; they can sense it!) They all ran after the farmer's wife (which triggered her, though aversion to mice is a sexist trope), Who cut off their tails with a carving knife (unjustified species-ist overreaction); Did you ever see such a — (wait, why are we taking joy in the misfortune of these poor souls?) Three sight-impaired mice! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Jesus saw the fish were few, the loaves not half a dozen. But still he gave the order to feed, to his posse and his cousin. And lo! It sufficed, as if multiplied through a mirror or a prism. From the back of the crowd, old Mitch calleth out: "No way! This is socialism!" (David Young, Falmouth, Mass.) There once was a boy who cried "Wolf" whenever he saw a wolf. A second boy cried, "Fake cry! It's not wolves, it's sheepdogs masquerading as wolves." The villagers argued and argued about which boy was right until a third boy cried, "Let's stop arguing and all work together to save our sheep!" The villagers finally realized that this boy was really annoying and they ran him out of town. And they all lived sheeplessly ever after. (Gary Crockett) The Frog Prince A poor girl weds a frog who's a prince, how perverse, Since what usually what happens in life's the reverse. "A frog," said the princess, about to swipe left, "He's green, has three chins and not one of them's cleft. It says he's a prince, though. I guess I could clean up, Whatever the case, with an ironclad prenup." (Frank Osen) (Jack Sprat could eat no fat; his wife could eat no lean) Jack Sprat isn't fond of cooking, Lets his wife do all the work. She takes tastes when he's not looking: Payback (because Jack's a jerk). Jack Sprat's wife is fond of butter, Cheese and chocolate are her fun. Now her heart's gone all aflutter, Jack is calling 9-1-1. Triple bypass cannot save her, 'Cause she's never eaten clean. Jack's bad cooking has no flavor, Now he's stuck with Lean Cuisine. (Francesca Kelly, Highland Park, Ill.) Goose Who Laid the Golden Egg: The trader bought a golden goose; His profit scheme, alas, was thwarted: In Reddit, soon, the news got loose That EggStop shares had all been shorted. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna. Va.) Humpty Dumpty: The Prequel Humpty Dumpty stood near a wall. "Bring me a ladder!" came Humpty's loud call. "The top of this wall is the best place for nappin'! And, after all, what's the worst that can happen?" He wasn't the first egg and wasn't the last to be so shortsighted. The king stood aghast As all of his horses and all of his men shook their heads sadly and cried, "Not again!" (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Humpty Dumpty 2020 Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall (The dang fool wouldn't be vaccinated) Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (He got covid and was soon intubated) All the king's horses and all the king's men (They all struggled to save his dumb tush) Couldn't put Humpty back together again (Now he's buried deep under a bush) (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) The young Jack Horner grew to be A doctor of proctology. And now he gets to use his thumbs When pulling things from people's bums. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) The Ugly Duckling, by Martha Stewart I recently helped a homely little bird transform herself into a beautiful swan. Sometimes all you need is the right lighting and a few simple changes to bring out the beauty in something. For this ugly duckling we worked on elongating the neck and reducing the waddle, so she moved more gracefully. Initial critics were quite surprised by the result and later loved my swan leg choucroute. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) The Three Bears Defend Their Property We're tidy-minded, law-abiding bears, But coming home today, what did we see? The place was ransacked, full of shiny hairs — A burglar in our house! Who could it be? We found a girl with golden locks upstairs, And had a little honey for our tea. (Brian Allgar, Paris) Peter Piper picked a peck of PICKLED peppers? No proper pepper's pickling precedes picking! (Gary Crockett) The Little Mermaid gave her voice up For a handsome man. As problematic as that sounds, Bear with me if you can: When she opened up her mout' Gilbert Gottfried's voice came out. The next time that she got to talkin' She sounded just like Christopher Walken. The third time, from her mermaid maw, Emerged the voice of Ringo Staw. 'Twas this last straw prompted her choice To, there and then, give up her voice. The pair report their bond's much better Communicating via letter. (Kate Baughman, Arlington, Va.) Pattycake: Batty flake, batty flake, Georgia loon; Race-war "Anglo-Saxon" caucus soon. Form it, and lead it, and mark it with a Q — Do it with a laser from a space-based Jew. (Duncan Stevens) This is a man that is seven feet tall That bosses at center while blocking the ball That kids like to bounce on the way to the mall That sells them Air Jordans they wear in the hall That leads to the gym where they shoot at the wall That holds both a backboard and bucket for all That dream of the day they can play like Chris Paul That snares alley-oops on the way to the hoops That a big man rejects for the rings he collects That sit in the house that Shaq built. (Chris Doyle) Paddington Bear: An Acrostic Sonnet Police at Paddington looked sore afraid. A foreign bear on Platform 1 now stood, Devouring three whole jars of marmalade. Detectives warned: "He's up to nothing good — In dark Peru bears run a drug cartel. Neat cannabis gets sold as breakfast food. Gelatinous preserves disguise the smell Too much for British Customs — let's intrude!" "Oh, no!" cried Mrs. Brown, "you're wrong! For shame! New Scotland Yard can't think this Christian bear Believes in drugs! We'll vouch for his good name!" "Exactly," Mr. Brown agreed, "fair's fair!". . . And so it was, these upright bourgeois folk Remained supplied for life with dope to smoke. (Mike Mesterton-Gibbons, Tallahassee, Fla., a First Offender — except for when we used another of his acrostic poems as a contest example) Still running: Our contest for dioramas (or other art) featuring at least one cicada. Deadline May 24 (possibly later if the critters are late showing up). See wapo.st/invite1435. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1437, published May 23, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1437: One-offs — a 'typo' neologism contest Change a word by 1 adjacent letter on the keyboard. Plus inking 'Questionable Journalism.' Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers May 20, 2021 at 9:58 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the Questionable Journalism winners) Hurrito: A pre-made, pre-hardened breakfast wrap. (Bob Staake) Streeptococcus: The acting bug. (Susan Geariety) Goodzilla: A giant lizard that puts out forest fires by stamping on them. (Sandra Hull) Sayonada: So long, and thanks for nothing. (Mae Scanlan) Jaws and foot in one handy "stress reliever"! This week's squeezy 2nd prize. Jaws and foot in one handy "stress reliever"! This week's squeezy 2nd prize. We're back with yet another variation on The Style Invitational's stock in trade: the change-one-letter neologism contest. This week's contest was suggested to the Empress by Gabe Goldberg (who last appeared in the Invite when he suggested a contest in 1994): You're a fat-fingered typist: Change a word, name or phrase by either adding or substituting one letter that's adjacent (in any direction) to the original one on a regular QWERTY keyboard, or by doubling the correct letter, as in the examples above from various previous neologism contests (plus Bob Staake's own example). So you might (a) substitute a H for an B, as in "hurrito" above; or (b) add an E next to an R, as in "Streeptococcus"; or (c) repeat a letter that's already there, as in "Streeptococcus" and "Goodzilla." Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1437 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 31; results appear June 20 in print, June 17 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a cute little squeeze toy of a shark that is more or less ingesting and egesting a human leg as you squeeze. This is the Official Squeeze Toy of the Internal Revenue Service. Well, that's what they're saying. Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline for this week's results is by Jon Ketzner; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday afternoon, May 20, at wapo.st/conv1437. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Who, what, where, when, why and ha: Questionable Journalism ink Week 1433 was the latest of our Questionable Journalism contests, in which readers chose any sentence from a current publication (most chose The Post) and wrote a question that it might answer. 4th place: A. "Sometimes he would stand in the sitting room . . ." Q. How do we know Walter Mondale was a rebel at heart? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 3rd place: A. "There's something about digging in the dirt, turning it, smelling it." Q. What do you like best about being a reporter for the National Enquirer? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2nd place and the book with out-of-print Seuss stories: A. In Oklahoma, you have mesoscale convective systems, supercell storms, and big complexes that produce a lot of lightning." Q. Why does the wind come sweepin' down the plain? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: A. That was Frances McDormand having explosive diarrhea in a plastic bucket on a van. Q. What was the worst act on "Celebrity America's Got Talent"? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Blanks for asking: Honorable mentions A. Seated in a yellow plastic laundry basket attached to two thick ropes, I was lowered into the earth. The light got dimmer, the temperature colder. Q. So how was your performance review? (John Kammer, Fairfax, Va.) A. I just got into my car and drove around for two hours. Q. How did you win the Indy 500? (Frank Mann, Washington) A. This is how misogynistic culture is conceptualized, created, cultivated and codified. Q. How does Fox News human resources begin its new-employee training session? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A. "There is a lot of pressure on moving all the big players certainly to go faster than they were planning." Q. Why is there a live bull on the running track? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) A. It's different and dignified, but it just doesn't work on many levels. Q. What do you think of Pat Boone's cover version of "WAP"? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) A. "The poster was taped to two PVC pipes that were stuck inside construction cones." Q. What punishment did Mark Zuckerberg suggest for inappropriate Facebook comments? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) A. "I hadn't seen that kind of positivity in a while. It was really cool." Q. Why were you rubbing balloons all over the cat? (Frank Osen) A. "It really has to come from within." Q. What lesson does the crew in the "Alien" spaceship learn the hard way? (Steve Honley, Washington) A. "She built a fortress of pillows and blankets in the guest bedroom." Q. How did Mike Lindell's wife signal that their marriage was rocky? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) A. A man from Idaho balanced a garden hoe on his nose for nearly two hours. Q. What happens in Boise when WiFi and cable go out ? (Stu Segal, Charlotte) A. How about the guy with the gut? Q. Emma is sick — who can we get to play the pregnant woman in tonight's performance? (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) A. Now, a year after this pandemic began, there are masks everywhere — on door handles and in drawers. Q. What explains the recent drop in sales of pantyliners? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) A. Scientists are using it to study depression, anxiety and fear. Q. Do you think anyone ever rereads Trump's inaugural address? (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) A. Some of them are shovel-ready. Some of them are almost shovel-ready. Q. Delegate Norton, what do you think of GOP arguments against D.C. statehood? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) A. "I'd run through a brick wall for Coach." Q. Do you miss air travel since the pandemic started? (Mark Raffman, Reston) A. A modern car can easily have more than 3,000 chips. Q. Why do you often hear a crunching noise when you adjust the seat in a minivan? (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) A. "The withdrawal is set to begin on Friday and will be completed by May 1." Q. What's the timeline for the final stage of the nonagenarians' marriage consummation? (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) A. "There's nothing wrong with this feature, but it's not extraordinary." Q. What comment are you liable to receive if your profile photo is an extreme close-up of your nose? (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) A. "This is a moral imperative, an economic imperative. A moment of peril, but also a moment of extraordinary possibilities." Q. How did 10-year-old Bill Clinton ask his mother for lunch money? (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) A. I have an old astronaut costume I'm thinking about dusting off. Q. Really, you still haven't gone wedding dress shopping? (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) A. Pour the egg mixture over the greens, covering them evenly. Q. How were the protesters planning to disrupt the Masters tournament? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) A. The Alphabet board authorized the company to repurchase as much as an additional $50 billion worth of its Class C capital stock. Q. They really used a Ouija to make major business decisions? Like what? (Richard Lorentz, Woodland Hills, Calif.) A. The administration will propose nationwide standards for tailpipe emissions in mid-July. Q. Is it true they're planning to limit beans in school lunches? (John Kammer) A. Washington's last option is to trade down. Q. Any idea how the State Department will deal with the duvet and comforter shortage? (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) A. I shouldn't have to be afraid to express myself. Q. Why do you care that you're not allowed to use USPS as a transportation option? (Stu Segal) A. That dude was wrong. Q. What's an example of the new "plain English" emphasis in appellate court rulings? (Duncan Stevens) A. Cue up some ABBA and get ready to dance, because clogs are back! Q. How did Swedish plumbers respond to news of Stockholm's fatberg? (Frank Osen) A. "The United States isn't waiting." Q. What does Ambassador Linda Thomas-Greenfield say when she cuts in line at the U.N. cafeteria? (Kevin Mettinger) A. "It's a big area we have to clear, and it's probably going to take more resources." Q. What did the esthetician say about waxing Your Mama's back? (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) A. Japanese interiors can often feel a little warmer and less clinical than their Scandinavian counterpart. Q. Why are there more proctologists in Tokyo than Copenhagen? (Frank Osen) A. "Survivors include his wife, Nancy; five children; 12 grandchildren; and six great-grandchildren." Q. What happened after the acrobat tried to top the Wallendas' famous tightrope pyramid stunt? (Roy Ashley, Washington) A. I know I have a lot still stored in me. Q. Why did you give just a one-star rating for that discount laxative? (Kevin Dopart) And Last:A. Number two wins it. Q. What is the main complaint among the more priggish Losers about competing in the Invitational? (Kevin Dopart) And Even Laster: A. "We are aware of the humor." Q. "Does The Style Invitational make you laugh, Your Majesty?" (Gary Crockett) And Lastest of All: A. The fact is, publishers have always made highly selective judgments about who they print and who they don't. Q. What is definitely not true if this entry gets ink? (Mark Raffman) Two contests still running — deadline for both is Monday night, May 24: — Make a diorama or other funny artwork including at least one cicada or casing. See wapo.st/invite1435 — Offer a new plot for a real movie title. wapo.st/invite1436 DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1438, published May 30, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1438: Nothing but the untruth Give us fake trivia about the law. Plus winning 'grandfoals.' Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers May 27, 2021 at 9:52 a.m. EDT Add to list (Click here to skip down to the winning "grandfoal" names) The first gavels were much bigger and heavier because judges used to double as executioners. Wigs worn by British judges and barristers were originally made from horse tails, as a sly commentary on the justice system. If you take the first letter of the first 11 paragraphs of the majority opinion of Citizens United v. FEC, it spells out "Just kidding." It's yet another of our contests for Fun Fake Facts to Know and Tell — fictoids, we call them: This week: Give us some bogus trivia about the law — lawyers, courts, judges, police, odd laws, terminology, what have you, as in the examples by Loser Mike Gips, the nonpracticing lawyer (from "a school near Boston") who suggested this contest. One way you can get ink for weeks to come: This week's second prize. One way you can get ink for weeks to come: This week's second prize. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1438 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, June 7; results appear June 27 in print, June 24 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a ballpoint pen in the shape of a hypodermic syringe, complete with visible blue "blood" in the tube, which the Empress picked up as vaccine swag from her obliging jabbers at the Adventist HealthCare shooting gallery. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Twice Dammed" is by Duncan Stevens; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late afternoon Thursday, May 27, at wapo.st/conv1438. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Twice dammed: The grandfoals of Week 1430 Back in Week 1430 we asked the Losers to "breed" any two racehorse names from a list of this year's Triple Crown nominees and name the foal; e.g., Count Tolstoy was "bred" to Uno to make War and Pizza. Then in the follow-up contest of Week 1434, they bred any two of those pun-riddled foals; here are the "grandfoals." 4th place: Dodger x Outamind = Ducker Carlson (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 3rd place: Widespread Luting x TamingOfTheShroom = PlayThatFungiMusic (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) 2nd place and the 1983 Kentucky Derby souvenir julep glass: CruMBS x Lip Loch = Ruthless Ness (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: HaberDasher x It's All Over = RIP What You Sew (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) Foalout: Honorable mentions Bitter Inside x Suite, Marriott = Vicious Roomer (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) Hammer and Sicko x Widespread Luting = Rheum and Bard (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) It's All Over x War and Pizza = Doomino's (Mark Raffman) Bye, George x Merch Madness = Buy, George! (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring; Larry Gray) Genial Herpes x Replaceable You = Affair Trade (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Gore Curriculum x Ballooney Tunes = Bled Zeppelin (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Gore Curriculum x Ballooney Tunes = LEED Zeppelin (Mark Raffman) Gore Curriculum x Parasite = Global Worming (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.; Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.; George Thompson, Springfield) Hammer and Sicko x Mike = Nail deGross Tyson (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Hammer and Sicko x Passed Gas = Pootin' (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) Hush Stormy x Zoomer Cum Laude = Mute Stormy (Jesse Frankovich) Gore Curriculum x IGotRhythmMethod = Inconvenient Youth (David MacGregor, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) I'm Biquitous Too x Widespread Luting = But Are You Kulele (Eric Nelkin) It's All Over x IGotRhythmMethod = It's All Ova (Chris Doyle) Lip Loch x J Edgar Oeuvre = Kiss Intel (Jesse Frankovich) Merch Madness x Capital BLTway = NCAAA (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Merch Madness x Parasite = Buy 1 Get 1 Flea (Eric Nelkin, J.D. Berry) Polar Espresso x Hammer and Sicko = Caffiend (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) TamingOfTheShroom x Hush Stormy = ScaNDAlous (Frank Mann, Washington) TimeKeepsOnSlippin x Bitter Inside = Into the FUture (Jesse Frankovich) TimeKeepsOnSlippin x Capital BLTway = Intestate 495 (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) TimeKeepsOnSlippin x IGotRhythmMethod = I'm Late I'm Late! (Mary Kappus, Washington) TimeKeepsOnSlippin x Rhapsody in Red = Into the Fuchsia (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) TimeKeepsOnSlippin x HaberDasher = TieKeepsOnSlippin (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) Waning Gretzky x Can'tata = Penalty Bachs (Jonathan Paul) Replaceable You x School Near Boston = Replaceable U. (Eric Nelkin) Whacks and Wayne x HonkIfYou'reHoardy = Schwing and Amass (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) Wile E. Peyote x Bitter Inside = Acme If I Care (J.D. Berry) Wile E. Peyote x Bitter Inside = Toxic Mescalinity (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Saint Hat Trick x Cuff Lynx = Halo Kitty (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) 0 Pesos x Pith & Pendulum = Po' (Jonathan Hardis; Mark Raffman) Bitter Inside x Replaceable You = Tears of a Clone (Mark Raffman) Marlin Blando x Passed Gas = Smella! (Chris Doyle) Ballooney Tunes x Genial Herpes = Warts Up, Doc? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Bitter Inside x Carp Diem = Kvetch of the Day (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Ballooney Tunes x IGotRhythmMethod = The Wabbit Died (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.) Bitter Inside x Parasite = Biter Inside (Beverley Sharp) Bitter Inside x Marlin Blando = Butter Inside (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Bye, George x Clooney Tunes = Amal Alone (Kevin Krist, Aiken, S.C.) Bye, George x Porgy and Bass = Farewell, Old Chum (Kevin Dopart) Clooney Tunes x Polar Espresso = Hunky Brewster (Jeff Hazle) CruMBS x Genial Herpes = Sheikh in Pox (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.) Dodger x Hammer and Sicko = Tommy Lasordid (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) Dodger x HonkIfYou'reHoardy = Duck Duck Goose (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.; Duncan Stevens) Dodger x Passed Gas = Methane in Action (Jesse Frankovich) HaberDasher x 0 Pesos = All Hat No Cattle (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) Elvis Pretzely x Gore Curriculum = Love Me Tenure (Mary McNamara, Washington) Elvis Pretzely x I Got Rid 'Em = Blue Suede Shoos (Laurie Brink) Fly Like an Emu x Clothes Encounters = Fly Like a Muumuu (Beverley Sharp) Friendly FOIA x Rhymer Reason = Redactyl (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Genial Herpes x I Got Rid 'Em = Chancres Away! (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) HaberDasher x 0 Pesos = Jos. A. Bankrupt (Chris Doyle) Hammer and Sicko x Bye, George = Culture Clubbed (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) Hammer and Sicko x Lip Loch = CommuNessie (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) IGotRhythmMethod x Saint Hat Trick = And Baby Makes 3 (Mary Kappus) IGotRhythmMethod x Whacks and Wayne = Schwing Time (Roy Ashley, Washington) It's All Over x Cuff Lynx = You'reUnderAWrist (Jonathan Paul) It's All Over x Hammer and Sicko = Quit Stalin (George Thompson) It's All Over x Wyatt Urp = Saved by the Belch (Jesse Frankovich) Marlin Blando x Pulp Fishin' = Ol Meh and the Sea (Jon Ketzner) Mild Bill Hickok x No Duh Rioty = Blandemonium (Duncan Stevens) Mild Bill Hickok x Wyatt Urp = Mild Bill Hiccup (Eric Nelkin) And our bonus challenge to come up with a better foal name for Halo x Mostly Sunny than Sunny's Halo, the 1983 Kentucky Derby winner: They should have gone with: Corona Light (Bill Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.; Jesse Frankovich) or Sunny and Cherub (Jesse Frankovich; Pam Sweeney). Still running — deadline Monday night, May 31: our "typo" change-a-letter contest. See wapo.st/invite1437. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1439, published June 6, 2021 The Style Invitational: A bug's laugh — cicada 'art' winners Plus new contest Week 1439: Fun with song titles and their vowels By Pat Myers June 3, 2021 at 10:01 a.m. EDT The Washington Post's Peeps diorama contest may be no more, but we at The Style Invitational chirped right up with our own, decidedly less cutesy replacement featuring the Brood of 2021 — call them the Antipeeps. The Empress didn't insist on dioramas; any humorous artwork was eligible as long as it included at least one real cicada or nymph exoskeleton. The Results from Week 1435 [numbers refer to order in online Gallery] [1] First place, winner of the Clowning Achievement: Four cicadas in front of a columned building with Roman lettering; one lies in front of them with a dagger in its back: "Et tu, BroodX" (Deborah Hensley and Kevin Dopart, Washington) [2] Second place, winner of the can of silkworm pupae in sauce: In front of a castle, cicada aims a sword at a boot: "My name is Inigo Cicada. Seventeen years ago, you squished my father. Prepare to die." -- The Princess Brood (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) [3] Third place: Cicadas look at the giant sculpture "The Awakening" submerged in the sand: "People say WE'RE scary when we come up out of the ground?" (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) [4] Fourth place: Star Trek action figures stand in a room overflowing with cicada nymph cases: Lost 4th-season episode (1970), "The Cycle With Cicadas" Baris: There must be thousands. Kirk: Hundreds of thousands. Spock: One million, seven hundred seventy-one thousand, five hundred sixty-one. (Donna Saady, Rockville, Md.; (Dialogue is from the "Star Trek" episode "The Trouble With Tribbles," 1967) Buzz Off: Honorable mentions [Subhead appears only in print edition; credited to Dave Prevar] [5] Furniture-barricade scene from Les Miserables, with dollhouse furniture and piles of cicada nymphs: Cicadas at the Barricade -- from "Les Bzz" (Lani and Eleanor Jacobson, Herndon, Va., First Offenders) [6] Glass coffee carafe filled with cicada nymphs: Brewed X (Kevin Dopart) [7] Cicadas swarm over several Peeps chicks, seeming to eat their faces: After 17 years, the reign of the Peeps diorama comes to an end. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) [8] Cicada writing on paper, thinking about Gregor Samsa: "As Gregor awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his beg into an enormous human." -- Franz Cicafka (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) [9] Cicada speaking from rostrum at Total Landscaping: "Broody Giuliani" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) [10] Calendar page for June 2021, "Emerge" marked on June 1-4, "Tree Week" June 5-8, "Buzzing Camp" June 18-25 (Julia Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md.) [11] Cicada shells form notes on musical staff: "Gloria in Ex-Shellsis!" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va. [12] Cicadas playing guitar and drums: "Cicadian Rhythm Section" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) [13] Cicadas assaulting U.S. Capitol: "A plague on both the houses." (Deborah Hensley and Kevin Dopart, Washington) [14] Three cicadas in a dark landscape, one on a bare tree: "Shall we mate?" "Yes, let's mate." (They do not move.) -- "Mating for Godot" (Frank Mann and 10-year-old Lida Mann, Washington) [15] Six dead cicadas shrink-wrapped for purchase, labeled "Creeps" (Kevin Dopart, Washington) [16] ZOOM screen, Cicada Virtual School, 2021 Cameron: "My brother's touching me!" Constance: "This is BORING!" Charlie: "I have to go potty!!!!" Christopher: "Didn't we just do this yesterday??" Mr. C. Cada, thinking: They don't pay me enough ... Cecilia: "Uh oh, I lost my marker!!" Cassidy: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! ... Sorry, just practicing ..." Calliope: "I can make my antennae curl, watch!!" Cyrus: "Hey, wanna set my pet aphid??" (Sarah Walsh and 7-year-old Ziva Walsh, Rockville, Md.) [17] Santa and reindeer all made from cicada nymph cases in snow scene: It's a long wait for jolly old Saint Nicada, but he won't let the little nymphs down. (Suzy Gay, San Diego; Jack Ford and Robin Ford, Fort Washington, Md., First Offenders) And this week's new contest . . . Week 1439: Vowel Movement: The Musical Bad Romance > B D R M N C > Bedroom Nice: Lady Gaga finally finds love. Moon River > M N R V R > I'm No RV'er: The Allman Brothers decide they're not ramblin' men after all. Back in 2015, the Empress ran a contest that Loser William Verkuilen remembers fondly, having gotten a couple of blots of ink out of it in Week 1155. It played on movie titles, so Bill suggests we try it with songs: This week: Choose a song title; remove all the vowels; then add back as many vowels as you like to create a new title. And describe the song, as in the examples above. You might also provide a line or more of lyrics. You can't change the order of the consonants, but you may add spaces or punctuation as above. (For our purposes, A, E, I, O and U are always vowels; Y and W also count unless they make a "yuh" or "whuh" sound, as in "yak" or "wax.") Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1439 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, June 14; results appear July 4 in print, July 1 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an eight-color toilet bowl night light that "turns on with proximity." Sort of like butt-dialing, we guess. So if you visit the commode after dark, you may feed the Specter of the Fuchsia Abyss. (Or, if you wait a sec, the Turquoise Abyss.) Donated by Jeff Contompasis. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "A Bug's Laugh" is by Jesse Frankovich; Dave Prevar wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, June 3, at wapo.st/conv1439. Still running — deadline Monday night, June 7: our contest for fake trivia about the law. See wapo.st/invite1438 DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1440, published June 13, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1440: It's parody time Write us a song about something in the news. Plus new plots for movie titles. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers June 10, 2021 at 10:02 a.m. EDT 2 It's been six months since the last Style Invitational song parody contest; for that one, the Empress asked for songs for or about certain jobs. And before that, more than a year ago, was one for "life in the Age of Corona." Which means we're woefully late for "¦ This week: Write a satiric song about anything in the news these days, set to any familiar tune. Videos are welcome as well (send us a YouTube link along with your lyrics); in fact, if you make a video, feel free to write your own music. The results that will run in the print Post — including the top four winners — will be set to very well known music so that readers can sing along without a reminder. See this week's entry form for more instructions about how to submit your entries, and this week's Style Conversational column for more about Invite songs in general. Submit your entry or entries on the form at wapo.st/enter-invite-1440 (no capitals in the Web address). You have a week longer than usual this week: Deadline is Monday, June 28; results appear July 11 in print, July 8 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an amazing prize that we wish we had last week for the cicada diorama contest: it's "The Seventeen-Year Buzz," a bottle of vintage 2004 home-brewed mead with an intact 2004 cicada floating inside. Becky Ross of Gaithersburg, Md., tells us that her late husband, Bill Mitchell, had been a fan of the Invitational, "so I know he would have been tickled to have you offer it as a prize." You bet, Becky; we're genuinely touched. That's a 2004 cicada in there: This week's second prize. That's a 2004 cicada in there: This week's second prize. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Plotty Humor" was submitted by both Howard Walderman and Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you might enter a song for Week 1440, see this week's — published late Thursday, June 10, at wapo.st/conv1440. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Plotty humor: From Week 1436, old movie titles, new stories In Week 1436, the Empress asked the Losers for alternative plots for movie titles. Too many people to credit offered that "Kill Bill" starred Mitch McConnell. 4th place: Seed of Chucky: A horrified Prince Charles watches the Oprah interview. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) 3rd place: Portnoy's Complaint: Karen Portnoy wanders aimlessly through life "¦ until the day a waiter serves her a regular Coke instead of Diet. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) 2nd place and the 'Biggest Loser' T-shirt: Joe Versus the Volcano: The definitive documentary of the 2020 presidential campaign. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Paper Moon: In Part 1 of "Back to Our Offices: 2021," a hilarious documentary about a contest for best butt photocopy. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) Second unit: Honorable mentions 12 Angry Men: Soon after Christmas, a young man rounds up a dozen pipers against their will and gives them to his true love. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) 28 Days Later: With humor and resignation, 12-year-old Emma sees "my next 40 years" as she enters her second month of puberty. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) 8½: At age 64, Bo Derek is still impressive in this long-awaited sequel. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) A Raisin in the Sun: Undocumented Mar-a-Lago workers enjoy their daily snack. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) All About Eve: A suspense-filled urban documentary: Will the ball drop? (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) Avatar: Can picking just the right World of Warcraft character change the life of a shy teen? Spoiler alert: No. (Todd DeLap) Baby Boom: A Japanese hospital records two births in a single week. (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.) Breakfast at Tiffany's: Or "How I lost my job with the Secret Service." (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Duck Soup: The Robinson "Dynasty" guys wring out their beards in a vat of hot water. (Frank Mann, Washington) F9: Vin Diesel schools John Cena in refreshing Word documents fast and receiving Outlook emails furiously. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) Five Easy Pieces: Humiliated by his performance at the jigsaw tournament, a man decides to start over in the beginners' division. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Friday the 13th: A man on a desert island is shocked to learn the grisly fates of Robinson Crusoe's 12 previous helpers. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Guess Who's Coming to Dinner: The Canadian rock band is reduced to playing "American Woman" in supper clubs. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Knives Out: Martha Stewart's tutorial for making your table settings just right. (Matthew Zimmer, New York) Life of Pi: Mathematician parents celebrate their child's 3.14159265359th birthday. (Duncan Stevens) Mean Girls: The story of three young women of average height, weight and intelligence from Normal, Ill. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Nomadland: Everyone's anger ceases when Prozac is quietly added to a city's water supply. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Pride and Prejudice: Quietly but assertively defying Lady Catherine de Bourgh's homophobia, Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley marry and settle down together at Pemberley. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Psycho: A hotel owner can't understand why no one wants to stay at his fancy establishment in downtown Washington. (James Bershon, Leonardtown, Md., a First Offender) Pulp Fiction: A Washington Post reporter discovers that there is no pandemic toilet paper shortage. (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.) Raging Bull: Ferdinand has finally had enough with the flowers. (Kara Laughlin, Leesburg, Va., a First Offender) Raise the Red Lantern: Colorblind foster parents welcome a superhero child into their home. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore) Ruthless People: No woman is safe after a supremely judgy gang in D.C. loses its moral center. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Saw 2: A reporter searches for GOP congressmen willing to acknowledge that Trump lost. (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) Silent Running: High water bills lead a man to replace his toilet bowl flapper. (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) Sons and Lovers: Oedipus and Jocasta meet cute. (Michael Doyle, Arlington, Va.) Stripes: Rep. Matt Gaetz models a potential new wardrobe. (Joel Cockrell, Damascus, Md.) The 39 Steps: A woman begins her Fitbit regimen slowly but with great resolve. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) The 39 Steps: Documentary peeks in on AA's new "premium plan." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) The 40-Year-Old Virgin: A food connoisseur embarks on a quest to find a bottle of 1981 vintage olive oil. (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.) The Bad News Bears: Longtime rivals Smokey, Yogi and Pooh unite to warn the world about the impact of climate change on our forests and on honeybees. (Alan Horowitz, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) The Best Years of Our Lives: The Beatles reminisce about their pre-Ringo days. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) The Lovely Bones: Does Kirk have a thing for McCoy? (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) The Magnificent Seven: A rookie learns that wearing Joe Theismann's number will not enable success with the WFT. (Jim McCormack, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) The Remains of the Day: "So, Igor, did you bring me anything interesting this evening?" (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) The Thing: A woman fights covid brain fog to recall concrete nouns. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) This Is the End: The teacher in Proctology 101 starts with the basics. (Duncan Stevens) Total Recall: A man remembers what he had for breakfast. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) Hidden Figures: A documentary on the Miss America pageant, which hasn't just dropped the swimsuit competition, but now features the Baggy Sweats round. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Romancing the Stone: Gwyneth Paltrow becomes very fond of her jade egg. (Duncan Stevens) Doctor Strangelove: In this rare porn flick, the actors try the missionary position. (Ken Gallant) Toy Story: She loved her toys and they loved her back — especially Woody and Buzz. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) Sorry to Bother You: One January day, the Capitol is visited by a wide-eyed tour group whose wacky bumbling leaves quite a mess to clean up. Laughs abound. (Irene Plotzker, Wilmington, Del.) Trolls: After an invasion at Troll Village, Hatey McHateface must lead his Internet troops to someone else's parents' basement to continue unleashing their comments. (Madelyn Rosenberg, Arlington) 12 Angry Men: The new Georgia voting restrictions narrow the electorate to the GOP's target voters. (Seth Tucker, Washington) Bringing Up Baby: In the prequel to "Hansel and Gretel: A Sweet Goodbye," the Witch struggles with bulimia. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Fast Times at Ridgemont High: The star pitcher for the baseball team is sidelined when the game is scheduled for Yom Kippur. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) A Star Is Born: The action-packed biopic of Aristrarchus of Samothrace, inventor of the asterisk. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis) Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo: A jet-setting couple set a dubious record for the Mile High Club. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) This Is Spinal Tap: Documentary on the new breakdancing-influenced dance style. (Frank Mann) The Fast and the Furious: Usain Bolt leaves the toilet seat up FOR THE LAST TIME. (Todd DeLap) Promising Young Woman: Representative from New York touts Medicare and free college tuition for all. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) The Third Man: There aren't many suspects in the murder investigation of a shepherd named Abel. (John McCooey) She Done Him Wrong: Stories from the worst little whorehouse in Texas. (Gary Crockett) And Last: Les Misérables: Hundreds of Style Invitational entrants fail once again to get ink. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Still running — deadline Monday night, June 14: our Vowel Play contest for song titles. See wapo.st/invite1439. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1441, published June 20, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1441: 'Rick rolling — songs written as limericks Sum up a song in 5 hickory-dickory-dock lines. Plus winning 'typo' neologisms. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers June 17, 2021 at 10:06 a.m. EDT 0 (Click here to skip down to the inking "typo" neologisms) Whenever we go to the zoo, The hummingbirds fly right to you! In your face they will flit, And I'm irked, I'll admit: See, I'd like to be Close to You, too. This week's contest was suggested to the Empress by Style Invitational reader John Vigour of Charlottesville, Va., who was inspired by a widely circulated — but, as far as I can tell, anonymous — set of "Famous Poems Rewritten as Limericks." And just as we did recently in a contest that originally was about movies, we'll take John's suggestion to make it musical: This week: Sum up or otherwise reflect a well-known song as a limerick, as in the example above. No matter how obvious it is to you, please supply the title of the song you're limericking. The title doesn't have to appear within the limerick itself. If you're focusing on a single verse, rather than, say, the whole "American Pie," I might be able to run it for comparison along with the limerick, in which case the song doesn't have to be quite as familiar. We're offering you a handout — or some fingers, anyway: life-size wall hooks, this week's second prize. We're offering you a handout — or some fingers, anyway: life-size wall hooks, this week's second prize. Please see our guide "Get Your 'Rick Rolling" at wapo.st/limericks1441 for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell: "perfect" rhyme, and a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm in Lines 1, 2 and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; additional unaccented syllables on either side are fine). Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1441 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, June 28; results appear July 18 in print, July 15 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives Digit Hooks: four substantial hooks that are eerie life-size replicas of four curved human fingers; you screw them into a wall or whatever and they beckon to hold your coat or umbrella or whatever you like. They seem to date from the 1970s and were donated still in the box by Style Invitational Devotees member Sheri Sutherland. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Our Typo Humor" is by Jesse Frankovich; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late afternoon Thursday, June 17, at wapo.st/conv1441. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Our typo humor: Inking neologisms from Week 1437 In Week 1437 the Empress invited readers to make a fat-fingered "typo": to add or change a letter in a word, name or phrase by a letter adjacent to it on the keyboard, or to double a letter. She almost gave big ink to this one by Tony Allenye — The Tan Commandments: Includes "Keep hands on steering wheel and visible at all times" — until she noticed that Ten/Tan doesn't qualify because A isn't adjacent to E. 4th place: Microsoft Bung: An even less popular search engine. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) 3rd place: Marathin: Any diet that lasts more than two weeks. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the squeeze toy of a foot-eating shark: In God We Tryst: The story of Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Jerry Falwell Jr . . . (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Jest lag: The awkward silence between telling a joke and getting a laugh. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) HonoRabble mentions: Manority: The top 1 percent. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) Hellful: "How would you rate our Customer Service Virtual Assistant?" (Jeff Loren, Seattle) Gullabaloo: What happens when you leave half a sandwich on the beach. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) NAGA: A Trump stan who won't shut up about the last election. (Leif Picoult, Rockville) Apoxalypse: What mankind would have faced if anti-vaxxers had held sway in the 1950s. (Lee Graham, Rockville) As Shepherds Watched Their Flicks by Night: Even out in the meadows on Christmas Eve, the Binge-Viewing of "Love, Actually." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase) Barfalounger: A frat house recliner. Actually, any piece of frat house furniture. (Chris Doyle) Cicaca: What you get after your dog eats what seems like half of Brood X on your morning walk. (Hannah Seidel) Corpse de Ballet: What's left when the arts budget is cut. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco) EEKG: A false heart rate reading from your Apple Watch. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville) Fadebook: Any social media platform once it starts attracting your parents. (Jonathan Jensen) Fear Evan Hansen: It's YOUR arm he'll be breaking next. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) Freedoom: Having the right to vote. But you have to vote for Trump. (Erika Ettin, Washington) Greedom: The sacred GOP principle of capitalism at any cost (to others). Also known as "Ka-ching! Let it ring!" (Brad Levy, Lawrence, Kan.; Frank Mann, Washington) Honorrhea: The award Trump deserves for surviving his "personal Vietnam." (Chris Doyle) Hostalgia: Pining for Alex Trebek. "Hostalgia skyrocketed during Dr. Oz's week on 'Jeopardy!'"Š" (Chris Doyle) Ibanka: Presidential adviser with an eye on the bottom line: hers. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Ignoranus: "Colonoscopy? Heck, no — I don't even want to know what's in there if they're gonna do THAT." (Richard Lorentz, Woodland Hills, Calif.) James and the Giant Pesach: A boy travels around the world on a massive piece of matzoh. (Duncan Stevens) Kegacy: The stories you deny at your confirmation hearing. (Gabe Goldberg, Falls Church, Va.) KinkedIn: We give networking a whole new meaning — connecting perverts around the world with dozens of unsolicited emails a day! (Peter Boice, Rockville, Md.; Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Lolliplop: That "all-day sucker" your kid drops on the ground within two minutes at the county fair. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Louis DeeJoy: Hip-hop artist who shows up to his concerts a week late. (Duncan Stevens) Mehovah: His Witnesses don't even bother to walk up to your door. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) O'ergasm: That chill when a singer nails the high note in the national anthem. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) Pixnic: A carefully staged outdoor meal that you can photograph, but not eat (unless you want to taste shaving cream on the pie). (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Pokémob Go: Game where you locate, battle, and capture virtual congressmen at the Capitol. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Pooltergeist: Who (your brother says) pushed you off the diving board. (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) Raiders of the Lost Arm: An archaeologist's quest for the last missing piece of the Venus de Milo. (Donald C. Dimitroff, Beltsville, Md., a First Offender) Sexiled: Just-a-friended. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Thesus monkey: 1. A grad student who is inhumanely treated at research universities. 2. A grad student. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Advertisement Unformation: What you get from embracing QAnon. (John Kammer, Fairfax, Va.) X Æ A-Xiii: The robotic, shape-shifting tech heir from the future sent back to terminate X Æ A-Xii Musk. (Kate Baughman, Arlington, Va.) Yip-hop: Dog rap. "Yo, they call me Fluffy, and I'm a Pomeranian/ My ancestry is Polish with a hint of Lithuanian." (Duncan Stevens) Yuckleberry: The fruit of the pokeweed. (Jeff Contompasis) Defoxification: Removal of poison from political discourse. (Chris Doyle) Assteroids: Okay, okay, call them hemorrhoids, if you want to be all technical. (John Kammer) NeWTF Gingrich: Is there even a typo here? (Frank Mann) And Last: Achievemeht: "So you won, what, a magnet the size of a business card?" (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) And Laster: Snort-term memory: The ability to recall neologisms from previous Style Invitationals. (Jesse Frankovich) And Even Laster Than That: Staaker: A cartoonist groupie. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) And Lastest of All: The Stule Invitational: A contest full of poop jokes. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church,Va.; Jeff Contompasis) Still running — deadline also June 28: our contest for parodies or other songs about topics in the news. See wapo.st/invite1440. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1442, published June 27, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1442: Same difference Compare/contrast items on our wacky list. Plus total lies about our legal system. Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers June 24, 2021 at 9:59 a.m. EDT 0 (Click here to skip down to the winning legal fictoids) A pole vaulter and a non-fungible token: You're likely to see both of them go way, way up and way, way down in the blink of an eye. "— A quarantine puppy "— Pandemic gray hair "— The world's largest pants "— The world's smallest pants "— A vaccination card "— The singular "they" "— An evening with Mitch McConnell "— Jewish space lasers "— A pre-algebra textbook "— A triple word score "— The Texas power grid "— A mask-making company "— The third seat on Jeff Bezos's space trip "— An Olympic pole vaulter "— Simone Biles "— Pineapple upside-down cake "— Cardboard audience members "— Mozart "— A doped horse "— A non-fungible token "— 12 gallons of hand sanitizer It's our umpteenth and a half compare-and-contrast contest: Choose any two (or more) items from the utterly random list above and say how they're different, alike or otherwise linked; once again, most of the items were tossed out in a mass brainless-storm in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. The de rigueur Socks for Crocs: This week's second prize. The de rigueur Socks for Crocs: This week's second prize. ADVERTISING Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1442 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, July 5; results appear July 25 in print, July 22 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a winsome pair of stretchy socks imprinted to look like a box of Nerds, the icky pair-of-flavors candies, with the pink strawberry side on one foot and the purple grape on the other — except that the G of "grape" is regrettably pretty much absent. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Court of LOL" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday afternoon, June 24, at wapo.st/conv1442. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Court of LOL: Legal fictoids from Week 1438 In Week 1438 the Empress asked for totally untrue trivia about the legal system. At least a half-dozen of this week's inking entrants are lawyers. Take that as you like. 4th place: Until October 2018, the U.S. Supreme Court did not have a kegerator in the Justices' Lounge. (Joe McManus, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: In 2019 Ruth Bader Ginsburg had tiny Hebrew script incorporated into her lace collar saying, "Trump is a schmuck." (Peter Boice, Rockville, Md.) 2nd place and the pen that looks like a hypodermic needle: Judges and barristers are no longer required to wear wigs in British courtrooms, but only if they work their own hair into those little curls. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: As part of a flurry of deregulation, the Trump administration nullified the federal law requiring bridges to freeze before roadways. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Small claims: Honorable mentions A two-year investigation by the Boston police has revealed that 23 Dunkin' Donuts can be slid onto a nightstick. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) A Chesapeake Bay retriever named Lex, trained by a Miami law firm, holds the Guinness world record for number of ambulances caught. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) A consumer successfully sued Nabisco after discovering that Double Stufs contain only 1.95 times the stuf of ordinary Oreos. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) According to the accounts of several former clerks, at the Supreme Court's annual holiday party you can't get Clarence Thomas to stop talking. (Jesse Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.) After playing poet Allen Ginsberg in 2013 and adventurer Yossi Ghinsberg in 2017, Daniel Radcliffe is slated to play Ruth Bader Ginsburg in a 2023 biopic. (Daniel Galef) In several American colonies, instead of prison terms, certain criminals had their town crier access suspended for two years. (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) After ratification of the First Amendment guaranteeing freedom of the press, opponents immediately proposed a Second Amendment so "at least we can shoot 'em." (Frank Mann, Washington) A law in Tudor England levied a fine on anyone who passed gas in church; the fine was set at a farthing. (Keith Ord, Potomac, Md.) An interested party in a case might file an amicus curiae (friend of the court) brief. And since 2015, a highly interested party may file a BFF curiae. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) In a recent cost-cutting measure, Congress removed Justice Breyer's Secret Service detail because nobody would recognize him anyway. (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.) As a result of recent cataract surgery, justice now has 20/150 vision. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Billing each five-minute phone call at his firm's minimum half-hour charge, attorney Jim Stovall once worked 48 hours in an eight-hour day. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) Chief Justice John Marshall instituted the practice of wearing black robes instead of morning suits because he preferred going commando (or in 1801 slang, "reveling in American liberty"). (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Fearing that verdicts might be decided by a coin flip, seven states ban coins in the jury room. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Police in California are planning to offer Swiss Army knives as a trade for AR-15s at gun buyback events. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) In 2010, the year of the Citizens United decision, the sum of the ages of the nine Supreme Court justices was 666. (David Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.) In a 2000 announcement, Merriam-Webster declared "legal brief" the oxymoron of the century. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) In addition to petit and grand juries in the Jan. 6 investigation, the Justice Department will convene an énorme jury that may issue superpoenas. (Jeff Contompasis) In Alabama, siblings may not testify against each other until their divorce is finalized. (Lee Graham) In the Southern Hemisphere, possession is ten-ninths of the law. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Judges sometimes reprimand jurors for chanting "CHUNG CHUNG" at a key moment in a trial, à la "Law and Order." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) One of the earliest defenses used in ancient court cases was Scio vos autem quid? — "I know you are but what am I?" (Frank Mann) The American Bar Association has a password-protected website where members share client jokes. (Mark Raffman) The ABA has asked news organizations not to use the scurrilous and demeaning term "ambulance chaser." Its preferred term is "co-first responder." (Rob Huffman) The emblem of the National Lawyers Guild features a pelican, representing the giant bill. (Jesse Frankovich) By state law, the Mississippi bar examination must include questions on all Ten Commandments. (Mark Raffman) The police have a long history of beating suspects until they admit to some sort of charge, which is where they got the term "copping a plea." (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) The Supreme Court celebrates Casual Fridays by wearing shorts and T-shirts under their robes. (Michael Anderson, Louisa, Va., a First Offender) The word "impeachment" comes from the antebellum Georgia practice of pelting corrupt politicians with rotten fruit. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Thirty-two states refuse to recognize the Monopoly "Get Out of Jail Free" card, even for misdemeanors. (John Kammer, Fairfax, Va.) Under new Texas voting laws, cattle are considered three-fifths of a person. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) While it's false that you must kill someone in your immediate family to get into Harvard Law School, it's true that you must step on a kitten. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) William Howard Taft changed the Supreme Court robes from white to the more slimming black in 1922. (Rob Huffman; Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) A rash of incidents led the Detroit City Council to make it a misdemeanor to write "In the Name of Love" on stop signs. (Duncan Stevens) When Justice Alito would speak, Justice Stevens would repeatedly get Justice Ginsberg to giggle by whispering, "Odor in the court." (Larry Rifkin) Article II of the Constitution begins: "The executive Power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America." Rearranging the letters of that sentence gives you: "Because peeved voters hate harsh exit, if Trump defeated in election, it was stolen." Coincidence? I don't think so. — Q (Richard Lorentz, Woodland Hills, Calif.) And Last: The unsuccessful case of Losers v. Empress established the category of "classless action" lawsuits. (Drew Bennett) Two contests still running — deadline Monday night, June 28, for both: — Write a song lyric (parody or original) about something in the news. See wapo.st/invite1440. — Sum up a song lyric as a limerick. See wapo.st/invite1441. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1443, published July 4, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1443: The letters of the laws — write an acronym bill Plus what happens when you replace the vowels in a song title with other vowels (a lot). Image without a caption(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 1, 2021 at 9:55 a.m. EDT 0 (Click here to skip down to the winning vowel-tampering with song titles) The Delivering Envelopes Judiciously On-time Year-round Act — the DEJOY Act — is a real bill introduced this year in both the Senate and the House by four members of Congress and numerous co-sponsors; it would essentially forbid the Postal Service (and the eponymous chief) to slow down the mail. This week's contest was suggested by the Empress's Royal Consort, who notes the trend of giving silly names to legislation so that they form silly acronyms — witness HELLPP, or the Helping Ensure Life- and Limb-Saving Access to Podiatric Physicians Act — and figuring, surely correctly, that the Loser Community could do it more cleverly. This week: Propose some law — it doesn't have to be a serious issue — and give it a name and acronym, along the lines of the above but funnier. That can be the whole entry, or you might add a line to elaborate. The Empress's dainty hand becomes the Fangs of Fear! This week's second prize. The Empress's dainty hand becomes the Fangs of Fear! This week's second prize. (Mark Holt) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1443 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, July 12; results appear Aug. 1 in print, July 29 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulous soft rubbery hand puppet depicting a, well, some indeterminate aquatic creature; guesses included a shark, barracuda, alligator and dinosaur. In any case it could be very useful if you were quite happy, thank you, with social distancing when it comes to hugs and touchiness. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Vowel-ups" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, in which the E shares some real-life acronym bills, at wapo.st/conv1443. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Vowel-ups: Tinkering with song titles in Week 1439 In Week 1439 we asked you to (a) choose any song title and delete all its vowels, then (b) add any vowels you liked to make a new title. NEWS! With his "Cocaine"/"Ice Cone" entry this week, Gary Crockett — King of the Loser Frontier — hits the magic 500 blots of ink, his ticket into the Style Invitational Hall of Fame. See some of Gary's Greatest Ink in this week's Style Conversational at wapo.st/conv1443. 4th place: Crazy Train: Delete the vowels: C R Z T R N Add other vowels: Cure a Zit Area Now! Ozzy Osbourne's new jingle for Clearasil. "Acne! You know how it goes — millions of pimples appear on your nose!" (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa., a First Offender) 3rd place: Lay Lady Lay > L L D L > Lie Lady Lie: "His clothes are dirty, but his grammar's clean "¦" (Greg Johnson, Victoria, B.C.) 2nd place and the eight-color toilet bowl night light: Stairway to Heaven > Stairway to Heave In: There's a lady who drinks till she literally stinks And her stomach's in need of relievin' If she's visiting you and she can't make the loo Rush her out to the stairway to heave in. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: I'm a Believer > Mob Lover: Sen. Ron Johnson changes his tune after Jan. 6: Then I saw their race, now I'm a mob lover, Not a trace of doubt in my mind "¦ (Kevin Dopart, Washington) What a failing! Honorable mentions Bye Bye Bye > Boo Boo Boo: 'N Sync attempts, and quickly abandons, a comeback tour. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) I Feel Fine > I Fool a Fan: "This guy's good to me, you know, He rampaged in D.C., you know, 'Cause I said so. He's in love with me, I fool a fan." 9 (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) A Horse With No Name > Hours With an Enema: A sad song about constipation from a diet of plants and birds and rocks and things. (Kevin Dopart) Borderline > Beardo, a Real Ano: John Boehner's bilingual hit about Sen. Ted Cruz and his rants about immigration. (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.) Please Please Me > Paul Is "¦ Paul Is "¦ Me! (Dave Zarrow, Reston) The Sounds of Silence > Those Nudes of Sal — Nice! Hello, darkroom, my old friend "¦ (Frank Mann, Washington) [This was the original spelling of the song; it was changed later to "The Sound of Silence"] YMCA > You. Me. Ciao.: This "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" remake cuts out 49 of the ways. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) Cocaine > Ice Cone: That summer anthem: If you snort one of those, it's gonna "¦ freeze your nose, ice cone. It's gonna drip down, down on the ground, ice cone. I won't lie, you should try, you should buy ice cone. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Come Together > A Comet Got Her: Finally explains how she got joo joo eyeball and spinal cracker. (Frank Mann) "C" Is for Cookie > Case for Cake: The "Sesame Street" monster expands his culinary horizons. (Erika Ettin, Washington) Ain't Too Proud to Beg > Note to Poor: Date Big: The Temptations' guide to the underfunded aspiring gigolo. (Sandy Tenenbaum, Silver Spring, Md., who last got ink in 1996) Alone Again (Naturally) > Lean Again (Not Really): In a few days from now, if I'm not feeling down to size I promise myself to treat myself to a Whopper and large french fries "¦" (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) American Idiot > More Con, D.T.: The Former Guy continues to prey on his supporters. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) April Come She Will > Pry Lice, Mash Well: A tune for parents to sing while they comb out their kids' hair after summer camp. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Auld Lang Syne > Ladle Nog, Son: The traditional song to sing at 11 p.m. on Dec. 31. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Both Sides Now > Bath-Suds-on-Ewe: A song about how Mary kept her little lamb so clean; the title later became the name of a charming village in England. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Born to Run > Barney Tran: The inspiring purple dino sings about being true to themselves. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Both Sides Now > But He Said Snowy: Kindergartner learns a hard lesson about D.C. weather forecasters. (Mark Turco, McLean, Va., a First Offender) Don't Stop > Don T.'s Type: "Please stop thinkin' about Ivanka "¦" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Hokey Pokey > Eh? Okay, I Puke: A Canadian at an American wedding reacts to being asked to join in the festivities. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Home on the Range > Human Throng: Replaces the roaming buffalo. (Donna Saady, Rockville, Md.) Honey Don't > Heinie Donut: Carl Perkins's ode to his hemorrhoid pillow wasn't as popular as the one he wrote to his blue suede shoes. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) I Want to Hold Your Hand> Won't They Load Your Hind? Lyric asks: "Are you sure you want fries with that?" (Mark Turco) I'm Too Sexy > Emits Ox: A woman gives birth to an 11-pound baby and does not feel too sexy for her shirt. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida > No Good, Dude — VD!: Iron Butterfly soundtrack for the Army's STD training film. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney) Jealousy, Jealousy > Jowls, Jowls: Eighteen-year-old Olivia Rodrigo proactively frets about a potentially sagging jawline. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) Let It Snow > Lite, 'Tis, No? Yoda sings about his diet. (Irene Plotzker, Wilmington, Del.) Love Me Tender > Leave Me Ten, Dr: "Leave me ten toes, leave them on. Tell me they are mine. I know that I've got frostbite, Leave me at least nine." (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) Sweet Home Alabama > Sweet Ham a la BAM!: Lynyrd Skynyrd's tribute to Emeril's glazed-pork recipe. (Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md., a First Offender) Miss You > Mossy: The Rolling Stones finally start to slow down. (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) Misty > Musty: "Look at me, I'm the room you need to clean ASAP "¦" (Jonathan Jensen) Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da > Be Loud, Be Lewd!: The anthem of shock jocks. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) YMCA > Yay, I'm CIA!: Morale-boosting song for our intelligence agents: "Young man, you are now a real spy/ No mere gumshoe at the dull FBI "¦" (Carl Yaffe, Rockville, Md.) Sweet Caroline > Easy "¦ Wa-aiiit "¦ Cue Our Line!: Now — "BUM BUM BUM!" (Coleman Glenn) Theme From "Shaft" > The Mofo Romeo Is Hefty: Shaft is back, and this time he's packing an extra 50 pounds. (Chris Doyle) Tradition > Tried TN: Tevye describes his trip to America, his life in Chattanooga, and why he decided to come back to Anatevka. (Josh Feldblyum, Springfield, Pa.) The Song Remains the Same > The Song Remains the Same: It's like deja vu all over again. (Jon Gearhart) And Last: Born to Run > Borin' to Run: Bruce explains why the Empress didn't print your entries. (Jesse Frankovich) Still running — deadline Monday night, July 5: Our contest to compare/contrast any two items on our random list. See wapo.st/invite1442. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1444, published July 11, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1444: It's a whole new all-game — name a sport Plus 'Two Darn Shots' and other songs about the news It's the 00-meter dash! Change a sport's name for your own event in this week's contest. It's the 00-meter dash! Change a sport's name for your own event in this week's contest. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 7, 2021|Updated today at 12:40 a.m. EDT 0 It's our newest bumper crop of current-events song parodies (plus an original). And this week the Empress is awarding two Clowning Achievement trophies: the usual one for best song, and a second one for best video. Here's First Offender Sophie Crafts of Somerville, Mass., winner of the video Clowner, channeling Cole Porter (and more) for "Two Darn Shots."(Click here if you don't see the video on your device.) The rest of our winners — 25 song lyrics plus five more videos — appear below this week's contest. Click here to skip down to them. The 00-meter dash: Just sit on your couch and watch the other events. The beaststroke: Whoever can pet a polar bear and live wins a gold medal. We're back to filling up stadiums (and the streets and highways near them), and the Olympics, which this year ought to be called the 2021 High Hurdles, are, at least at this writing, good(ish) to go. But True Sports Fans can never have enough, and so TSF (and 37-time Loser) Gregory Koch suggests this week's contest: Slightly change the name of a sport, sports event or similar pastime to create a new one, and briefly describe it. Gregory's examples above change the name by a single character, but more alterations are okay as long as the original sport is still obvious. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1444 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, July 19; results appear Aug. 8 in print, Aug. 5 online. Winner gets a gold medal . . . oops, we mean the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, as a salute to the Japanese medical establishment, which has finally vaccinated almost 20 percent of its population in time for the Olympics: the classic Japanese children's picture book "The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts." Did you know that "a healthy person releases almost half a cup of gas in a single fart"? Now you do, and you didn't even have to win the book. Donated by 86-time Loser Pie Snelson. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Reporting for Ditty" is by Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1444. The "You're Invited" podcast is back! Season 2 begins with a two-part episode live from last weekend's Loser Picnic, complete with a lively discussions of puns in other languages. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Reporting for ditty: The current-events songs from Week 1440 In Week 1440, as she does once or twice a year, the Empress sought songs about topics in the news — and was deluged with excellent parodies and a few originals, both as lyrics and on video. Don't know the tune? Click on the link on the song title to hear the melody of the original. 4th place: Lobster diver briefly swallowed by whale off Cape Cod To "Let It Snow" Oh, the climate inside is frightful, (And your breath's so NOT delightful); Just open your mouth real slow . . . Let me go, let me go, let me go! Well, you started this day by scarfing, But the time has come for barfing; Pretend I'm Pinocchio! Let me go, let me go, let me go! Is there something that's not quite right? Are you startin' to feel kinda ill? Could it be that you're not too bright? Sheesh! Do I look like a krill?!! I fear that there's no denying, In your mouth I might be dying; Please give me the old heave-ho; Let me go, let me go, let me go! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3rd place: Jeffrey Toobin's Song To "I Could Have Danced All Night" I wear my pants all day, I wear my pants all day Right in my living room. I used to show my groin And I exposed my . . . loin To everyone on Zoom. I'll never know what made it so exciting To be so raunchy and risque. I'm back on CNN. I won't screw up again. I wear my pants, pants, pants all day! (Barbara Sarshik, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place and the home-brewed mead containing a 2004 cicada: Hail to the (New Name) — what will it be? Count on contentious! Hey, this is D.C.! Lions, Rams and Bears — good names, but taken. Lemurs? Lizards? Sloths? Fans would be shaken! What will they choose? We have no clues. How about Big Gnus? They're! Front! Page! Maybe the owner, glowing with pride, Will just decide to name his team the Snyde. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement for best song: To "Royals" I'll never sit upon that fancy throne The crown will rest on brother's head, I can not see Why I can't venture on my own I'll avoid Mom's fate — damn paparazzi! But everybody's like: Grow up, stand tall, pick a proper mate. An Actress? Good God! What an awful state! Man, They're afraid She'll pop out babies of a darker lot Folks in the palace like Curtsies, pinkies up, shoulders with no chip, be Discreet, stoic, stiffen up that lip, see They don't care If my stomach's in a Windsor knot We don't want to be royals (royals) We don't need all that strife I'll take my children and my wife We crave a different kind of life Let me go on Oprah (Oprah) She's the queen of TV And baby, we'll spill, (we'll spill, we'll spill) A whole bunch of royal tea. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) Très Misérables: Honorable mentions To "Oklahoma!": Aaaaarizona, where we can't count votes too many times Where the way we see includes UV As we search for ballot-marking crimes! In Aaaaarizona, "kinematic artifacts" abound If our paper crew can find bamboo We'll know Chinese cheating has been found! We know we believe QAnon So don't bother to say it's a con! And when we say, "Fraud!" Our logic may be flawed . . . But still we're saying, "Don't laugh at us Arizonans, Arizonans, by God!" (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Rep. Andrew S. Clyde (R-Ga.) in May downplayed the Jan. 6 assault on the Capitol, comparing the mob's breaching of the building to a "normal tourist visit." To "I Can't Get Started With You" We've flown around the world in a plane We've eaten chilled gazpacho in Spain In France we've à la carted but we've never started a coup We're like two kids when in Disneyland We go to New Orleans for the band From luggage we've been parted but we never started a coup We never wear flak jackets to tour Franklin Square, though camo's alluring, don't care to smash the door in to breach the Capitol Though we've been thrilled by old Hoover Dam We've never brought a battering ram The souvenirs we've carted But we've never started a coup We never bring our truncheon to luncheon or Fling pepper balls or start punching cops Swing great big flagpoles while brunching on Insurrection dreams We're avid tourists of the whole world But never once one brick have we hurled Though some elections smarted we never started a coup (Sandy Riccardi, Asheville, N.C.) By Sandy Riccardi, Asheville, N.C.; performed by Sandy and Richard Riccardi; click here if you don't see the video on your device. Suddenly Maskless To "Suddenly Seymour" We're nearing the end of the Covid Mask Era Here at the grocer's we're maskless today I'm standing in line with whipped cream and bananas We're just two feet apart, but I think it's okay I suddenly see more of who's standing beside me This one's wearing makeup. That one's got a goatee! I'm not scared to breathe or inhale what's outside me I'm nearly quite certain, this air's Covid-free And life feels much saner now at the grocer's No shelves here are barren. No one's hoarding TP! And at the checkout there's a clearance container Filled with hand sanitizers that are practically free! Tell me this freedom will last till forever Tell me covid restrictions will no longer be Don't start with that talk about strain variations Let's just quickly achieve herd immunity Then we'll suddenly see more "¦ (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) Oh, Bailey, Stop Eating the Cicadas! To "Be Our Guest" — see Sarah Walsh's own video Don't ingest, don't ingest, Though cicadas crunch the best! You're a dog and not a frog, So please let's give this game a rest! We'll go home, find your bowl, (Wash the muck from your last roll) And I'll serve an awesome dinner, Don't believe me? It's a winner! Spiny legs, see-through wings? You'll eat far more yummy things! Chicken gizzards soaked in gravy, I'd suggest! Just leave that poor cicada, Let him find and mate a Lady pest — don't ingest, don't ingest! (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Don't Know Much About CRT To "Wonderful World" Don't know much about history, In the dark about slavery, Never learned about the racist past, Think a stage is where you find a "caste," But I'm out to ban CRT, and all skeptical inquiry, What an ignorant world this could be. Don't know much about those redline rules, Think that those were equal, separate schools, Never heard about the Tulsa "riot," Jeez, you troublemaking profs, keep quiet! No, don't talk about 1619, leave those images concealed, unseen — What a sanitized world this could be. (Duncan Stevens, Gloucester, Mass.) Temperatures reach an unheard-of 115 in the Pacific Northwest To "Summer in the City" Hot town, summer in Seattle; Portlander brains are starting to addle. Spokane AC units rattle, Finding somewhere cool in Eugene is a battle. All around, people in the Northwest Keeping off the sidewalk, staying home and undressed. But at night it's a different world Go out and — nope, same world! Head back home and sweat all night Take an ice bath, risk frostbite. And babe, at least tourists won't prattle Or whine about damp chilly nights In the summer in Seattle In the summer in Seattle ... (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Good Riddance To "My Favorite Things" Paying off porn stars and placating Putin, Giving polluters a pass for pollutin' Firing off tweets with a taunt or a diss, These are a few of the things I don't miss. Talking up bleach while discouraging masking, Calling Ukraine for corrupt-favor-asking, Giving the Proud Boys a wet sloppy kiss, These are some more of the things I don't miss. Mitch McConnell and Joe Manchin Still may block our way, But when I remember the things I don't miss, I suddenly feel okay. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Oh Belarus to "Ma Belle Amie") Oh Belarus, you took a man from a plane and for that there is no excuse Oh Belarus, did you think that was cute when in fact it was one more ruse? You had a future for all your people and the wherewithal To join with Europe, get out from under years of Kremlin's thrall That you chose not to by going backwards just says it all Oh Belarus, you're not belle at all! (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) A Day in the QAnon Life To "A Day in the Life" We heard from Q today — oh joy! About our POTUS down in Florida Although the mainstream news looks bad Well, none of us are fooled We know just how it's ruled. The Satan-worshiping elites With lives extended by adrenochrome, Like Soros, Oprah and the Pope, One day in hell will burn; All of us are really sure that August will see Trump's return! We're hardcore QAnon! (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) Rudy's Crazy, By Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.; click here if you don't see the video on your device. To "Sherry" by, oh ho ho, the Four Seasons. Rudy, Rudy's crazy; (Rudy's crazy!) Rudy, you've gone completely insane. (Com-com-completely bonkers!) Were you always a raving nutjob, (Spouting nonsense!) Or did your hair dye leak into your brain? Oh Rudy, Rudy, Your lies have gone too far; Your treason crossed the line. The FBI is after you Because you've lost your mind! The New York bar took away your license (You're suspended!) Too dishonest for law? Man, that's gotta hurt. (That's what you get for lying! Even they think you're crooked!) Plus you got taken in by Borat, (Pretty stupid!) And we all know you weren't "adjusting your shirt." Oh Rudy, Rudy, You used to get respect. You were "America's Mayor;" Now you're a farting laughingstock With shoe polish in your hair. At least you'll always have Four Seasons' (Not the hotel!) ...Parking lot next to the porn store! (Also, not Frankie Valli! Just clarifying for Rudy! 'Cause he's completely bonkers! Com-com-completely bonkers!) Rudy, Rudy's crazy! (etc.) (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y) Navalny Weakens in Russian Prison To "When You Wish Upon a Star" When you dish upon a czar, Makes no difference who you are; If you dare to diss him, They will come for you. When a protest is your dream, No revenge is too extreme! No one's going to hear you scream In Cellblock Two. Fate's unkind; In jail, you'll lose your mind; And pretty soon, you'll find Your food's been poisoned... So be careful what you say, Or you'll soon be put away. When you dish upon a czar, Your dreams are through. (Beverley Sharp) Md. Gov. Signs Bill Repealing Civil War Era State Song To "Maryland, My Maryland" (same as "O Christmas Tree") I'm glad the song will go away, Maryland, my Maryland Your racist roots were on display, Maryland, my Maryland Let's get a new song right away So we'll remember every day That our brave troops weren't dressed in gray Maryland, my Maryland. I hope the tune won't be reused Maryland, my Maryland No Christmas song should be abused Maryland, my Maryland The Preakness crowd, once it's been boozed, Gets both songs' verses all confused And I, for one, am not amused Maryland, my Christmas tree. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) The McConnell Song To "I Cain't Say No!" from "Oklahoma!" I'm just a guy who won't say yes, Won't ever say it at all! Don't care the country's in a mess Long as we carry the ball. When Joe Manchin acts Republican, I know I shouldn't snicker, but that's me! Then I overhear the Democrats, I pull the football, then I laugh with glee! I can't resist their earnestness, Thinking I'll see it their way, Giving me just one more day. But it's no good, I'll still say, "I won't say yes!" (Irene Plotzker, Wilmington, Del.) These Nuts, by First Offender Lauren Mayer, San Mateo, Calif.; click here if you don't see the video on your device. (To "King Tut") Now when I was a young girl, I never thought I'd see People go so bonkers in the GOP (These nuts) "" How'd they get so looney (Looney nuts) "" Totally cartoony Down in Arizona, they're full of bologna. These nuts! Now they've abused their power any time they got it But now they've made a mess with this clown car they call an 'audit' (These nuts) "" causing lots of flinches (Flinchy nuts) "" 'cause they hired the Cyber Ninjas The recount in Arizona stinking like ammonia Freaking nuts (Nuts nuts) "" opening up all the pallets *Cuckoo nuts nuts) "" looking for bamboo in the ballots (Trumpy nuts nuts) "" The votes they want to veto (Conspiracy nuts nuts) - 'cause they found powder from a Cheeto They're giving their minds for Trumpism Gold-plated idol "" He's an egomaniac "" He's sellin' lies "" Starts in Arizona, spreads like a begonia, they're nuts! Now as this spreads, don't think I'm paranoid But if this crap keeps up, we'll see democracy destroyed By these nuts "" But the folks in Maricopa AREN'T all nuts "" told the phony "fraudit" nope-a Starts in Arizona, infectious like Corona, GOP in Arizona got their heads all full of stone-a They're nuts! (Lauren Mayer, San Mateo, Calif.) Ode to Donald Trump's Chief Operating Officer, Matthew Calamari To "That's Amore" Your name ... sounds like a squid. You are Donald Trump's id. Calamari! Though you are not an eel, we all hope that you'll squeal, Calamari! Sleaze and slime (time to drop a dime, time to drop a dime) You know Trump's every no-no You've seen crime (Who will do the time? Who will do the time?) Being Donald's COO. Go and talk to Cy Vance about Donald's finance, Calamari! If you tell him your tale, you can stay out of jail and be free. No remorse. No regret. Testify and don't fret, don't say "Sorry." Though your boss will be cross, don't plead memory loss, Calamari! (Barbara Sarshik) Putin Is the Pits To "Puttin' On the Ritz" If you mess with Vladimir, then I confess You've much to fear; he'll order hits. Putin is the pits Russia's neighbor? He'll invade and there's no way You can evade that Russian blitz Putin is the pits Putin is an ex-KGB snooper He's an opposition party pooper (a super duper!) Novichok in underwear? It is no shock That he'll go there like cheese on Ritz Putin is the pits. (Gary Crockett) Beat It, Rudy To "Beat It" You led a city through a time of great stress But now you're in a barrel and you must confess You tried to help Trump but you made a huge mess So conceited. Now beat it. The day the networks said that Biden squeaked by You called the press in Philly to announce your big lie Which later, when some goop was dripping past your right eye, You repeated. For the big orange guy! Beat it! Beat it! No court wants to see you seated. You showed how funky lawyers can be Ripped out a "kraken" live on TV You're deleted. Now beat it. Pee yoo! (Frank Mann, Washington) Just Retire, by Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; vocals by Tom Chalkley, instruments by Jonathan. Click here if you don't see the video on your device. (Lyrics follow.) You know there's nothing Mitch won't do, the GOP's a dumpster fire. If they win in '22, then Joe won't get a SCOTUS hire. Come on Stephen, just retire. Come on, won't you, Justice Breyer? That would draw McConnell's ire! The time to wait and see is through, the situation could be dire. If the court goes 7-2, put our country on a funeral pyre. Come on Stephen, just retire. Come on, won't you, Justice Breyer? God forbid you should expire! Votin' After Midnight To "Walkin' After Midnight" I'm still out waitin' after midnight, Out in the moonlight, still standin' in this queue, Forever waitin' after midnight, Till I vote Blue. We stretch for miles along the highway. (It's such a sly way of sayin', "Dude, screw you.") I keep on waitin' after midnight, Stuck here like glue. We move up seven inches, My sneaker kinda pinches, Maybe I'll get there by 3? And as the skies turn gloomy Night winds whisper to me, "Y'all better have brung ID!" No food or water, state legislation Rains condemnation on folks who hand 'em out. Somewhere a-waitin' after midnight's What voting's about. (Steve Bremner, Philadelphia) Least Vaccinated To "Least Complicated" Vaccine skeptics — what's the source of their views? I suspect they've all been watching Fox News. They listen to Tucker C., and he's a disinformation tool. "Are there microchips? Well, who's to say? Does it alter your DNA? Hey, I'm just asking questions here!" Every rumor provides more fuel. I remember the time when we all lined up for shots, For upper-arm jabs folks sure had the hots, Now there's hardly a car in those clinic-jab lots. With myths and bull they've been inundated, The hardest to reach are the least vaccinated. (Duncan Stevens) Trump's Top Aide Weisselberg Indicted — Will He Flip? To "Edelweiss" Weisselberg, Weisselberg, every day you don't fail me. Recondite, lips zipped tight — 'cause of you, Vance can't jail me Awesome to see you not cop a plea, turn on me like Cohen. Weisselberg, Weisselberg, keep my bottom line growin'. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Two more on "Be Our Guest," the Invite's favorite song to parody: We suppress! We suppress! In elections, more is less! Keeping voters from the polls will be the key to our success. If they're Black, if they're poor, you can bet we'll bar the door, So their numbers aren't too plenty, like they were in 2020. Let's curtail vote-by-mail! Hand out water? Go to jail! Put an end to our electoral distress, Although the "fraud" is fiction, Still we love restriction, We suppress! (It's a mess!) We suppress! (Mark Raffman) Let's invest! Let's invest! Put our workers to the test! Infrastructure is an issue that has long gone unaddressed. Listen up, R's and D's, can you work together please? Crumbling railways, roads and bridges — yes, this problem is prodigious! We can build, fix this mess! After all, it's the U.S. And the systems here should not be second best! It's good for each civilian! So what's another trillion? Let's invest! Let's invest! Let's invest! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) "Mace at the Revolution," an original song by Adam Overett of New York, a First Offender; based on a video quote from "Elizabeth of Knoxville" outside the Capitol on Jan. 6. Click here if you don't see the video on your device. Mace at the Revolution, or "Elizabeth of Knoxville" on January 6 (an original song) We came to storm the Capitol, with patriotic pride Soldiers of righteousness, marching side by side, I'm through the gates, when suddenly I'm blinder than a bat, My eyes are, like, on fire! I scream "What the hell was that?!" It was mace at the revolution! Mace at the revolution! Nobody said there would be mace at this revolution! I came to save my country, for which I'd gladly die, But I'm turning my ass back around 'cause mace got in my eye! We were only doing what our Founders would have done! Just like John Jeffers--mm--Jacks?--mm--shington! Brothers and sisters, all united in our love For that sacred Constitution I've read zero pages of! Then, mace at the revolution! Mace at the revolution! Oh God it's burning off my face at the revolution! You know I bleed red, white and blue from sea to shining sea! But mace at the revolution? Sorry, that's a no from me! (dawg) I came to wake the people from their sleep! All the RINOS, all the cucks, and all the liberal sheep! I came to proclaim the truth, for truth shall set you free, We came to open up your eyes, now I can't f---ing see! I came to be a rebel! -- I mean, patriot! -- I mean, both? To make those lying Congressmen be faithful to their oath! To do their noble duty, the one to which they swore, Which is to hand this country to the guy that I like more! But mace at the revolution! Mace -- at a revolution! And it didn't have a thing to do with race at the revolution! If I had not been white, police would not be more severe! Just ask those folks from BLM when they protested here! (Or anywhere this year!) No race at the revolution! Mace at the revolution! Who would have thought they'd brought mace to a revolution?/ Give me liberty or give me death, as Patrick Someone cried! But mace at the revolution? Uh-uh! Sorry, guys, I tried! But I'm here to tell the story. To keep alive the lore Of the day those heroes bravely peed upon the Senate floor, Posing boldly for their selfies, they heard their country's call! What's that you say? The feds are going to nail them to the wall? Oh I wasn't there at all, No ... Mace at the revolution! Mace at the revolution! No, officer, not me, I had no place at the revolution! You see these tears? That's mace. And also sorrow for the day Those bastards who weren't me committed treason! They should pay! I pledge allegiance to the flag, God bless the U.S.A.! Now I'll go use my Obamacare to take this pain away! [spoken] And God bless our troops! (Adam Overett, New York) ---- The Victimologist's Song To "The Major-General's Song" I am the very model of a gas-lit victimology And when I'm wrong the first thing I demand is an apology. I use the tricks that any smart abuser anywhere evades When my supporters riot, killing cops and breaching barricades: The people who accuse me must be lying or hysterical. All evidence against me I dismiss as just chimerical. My first resort is claiming I'm the victim of witch-huntery — And blithely wave away substantive facts with sheer effrontery. You say a hundred forty cops were treated with brutality But what of all my people who were acting with normality To riot as I cheered them on, denying my hypocrisy, Because they feared election fraud was threatening democracy. It's me who is the victim here of foes who are implacable, Who hope that I am finally politically attackable. I've been oppressed by all these facts and evidence that dinned against My simple claim that I am not more sinning than I'm sinned against. It's very clear: I'm white and male, entitled to my attitude, And telling me you're threatened reads to me like mere ingratitude. I then reverse it all, invoking my own victimology, And when I'm wrong the first thing I demand is your apology. (Marcus Bales, Cleveland) Still running — deadline Monday night, July 12: Our contest to suggest a new law with a funny acronym. See wapo.st/invite1443. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1445, published July 18, 2021 Style Conversational Week 1445: Could you use the word in a poem, please? The Empress of The Style Invitational on this week's new contest and results Zaila Avant-garde gains instant stardom after spelling "Murraya," a plant genus, on July 8 to win the Scripps National Spelling Bee. She should write a poem using one of the bee words and try for the Clowning Achievement! (Joe Skipper/Reuters) By Pat Myers July 15, 2021 at 5:11 p.m. EDT 0 Let's get sesquipedalian! This week's Style Invitational contest, Week 1445, isn't as likely as some Invites to be a coffee-spitter. But our recurring contest for poems based on words from the year's National Spelling Bee has always generated good material and more than a few laughs: It's in keeping with the Invite's tradition of mixing the haughty and the potty. As I did in our 2019 contest (the bee was canceled last year), I'm inviting you to use any of the words used in Round 8 and later, easily accessed this year at the bee's redesigned website. (Make sure you use the correct spelling of the word, not the way a losing kid misspelled it; there are two columns!) And if you don't want to check round after round, just go to the bottom of this week's contest for a list of 25 words that seem fairly promising to me. I recommend that before you write the poem, you should confirm your understanding of the definition by finding the word actually used or explained, not just in a list of spelling/vocabulary words. Or at least look at a few definitions from various dictionaries and glossaries. For instance, the definition of "aphyllous" at m-w.com, Merriam-Webster's online dictionary, just says "destitute of foliage leaves," since the full definition is only in the premium unabridged version. But Googling the word, I found a list of biology words on Thought.com that makes it clear an aphyllous plant never develops leaves, not that it's dropped its leaves for the winter, or got sick. For inspiration and to give you an idea of what we're looking for, here's some classic ink from our four previous Spelling Bee poetry contests. Week 716 (2007): Noctilucous (noc-ti-LU-cous), shining at night: On a moonlighted stroll, my sweet love did profess That my fair face was quite noctilucous; My heart skipped a beat, but I have to confess: What shone from my nose was some mucus. (Anne Paris) Strigil (strid-jil), a sweat-scraper: For cleaning off, the Romans Scraped themselves with iron strigils — But folks back then, you understand, Were tougher indivijuls. (Brendan Beary) Week 1181 (2016): Sophrosyne (suh-FROSS-uh-nee): prudence, self-control: If a don makes an offer you might just refuse, Here's advice from a guy with a leg he can't use: A goombah's unlikely to practice sophrosyne Whacking a Louisville slugger across a knee. (Chris Doyle) Solenoglyphous (Sol-e-NOG-li-fus), having fangs that fold into the mouth: "Your solenoglyphous fangs are spectaculah! They are awesome (to use the vernaculah) 'Cause they fold up inside Till you open up wide — I asp-pire to be like you!" Signed: Dracula(Beverley Sharp) Week 1283 (2018): Lochetic (lo-KET-ic), describing an animal that lies in wait for prey:/ A small spider, lochetic, it lies In its web all day, seeking a prize, Which is fine, for it feels, When it comes to good meals, Time's fun when you're out having flies. (Frank Osen) Catachresis, incorrect use of a word: My catachrestic family! Folks correct us, Inferring that our usage is a mess, But their discrete reprisals won't effect us 'Cause all and all, we frankly could care less. Our language skill is fulsome, and we flout it, Not phased by all the references they site. Except it, 'cause there's no two bones about it: For all intensive purposes, we're right. (Duncan Stevens) Week 1335 (2019): Apophysitis (uh-PAH-fuh-SIGH-tis), painful bone spurs: Once upon a time of drafting, Donald pondered, sly and crafting, Over many dark, dishonest ways to dodge the call to war — Fearing far-off foes who'd fight us, settled on apophysitis, Blaming it without the slightest hint of shame forevermore. "I'd be honored," Donald uttered, "to have served within the Corps. But, alas, my feet were sore." (Jesse Frankovich) [Yeah, that one won.] Murrelet, a seabird Among endangered species is the avian marbled murrelet, It would be sad to see this species going down the turrelet. (Dave Zarrow) AABBA's Greatest Hits*: The song-limericks of Week 1441 *Non-inking entry by Jeff Contompasis; we've had similar ABBA/AABBA limerick jokes by Mark Raffman and Bruce Alter Our first-ever contest to turn a well-known song lyric into a limerick (or to comment on the song in limerick form) turned out to be one of our most enjoyable of the zillions of limerick contests in our history. Thanks again to Invite reader John Vigour for the suggestion; if he ever comes up from Charlottesville, I owe him a milkshake. I was slightly concerned that many of the limericks would provide ingeniously correct five-line summations of the songs, but would get the reaction of "huh, I see" rather than "hah! funny!" But of course the Loser Community figured out how to get the jokes and digs in for this week's results, many of them using the option to "reflect" on the song rather than to sum it up. Even the second cut of my shortlist contained lots more zingers than the 35 limericks I ran (19 in print). There's a new(ish) name atop the list this week: Almost-newbie Emma Daley wins her first Clowning Achievement trophy — and just her sixth blot of ink — with her take on "The Star-Spangled Banner," rhyming "British" and "skittish" to end it: "Now of despots we're finally rid (ish)." Emma edged out runner-up Sarah Walsh, who observed that one of the universal beliefs that make this world a small one after all is a loathing of "It's a Small World." Filling out the Losers' Circle are Usual Suspects Jonathan Jensen, sending outgrown Puff the Magic Dragon to Goodwill, and Mark Raffman, imploring Jesus, "Please, my Savior and Lord/ Take the wheel of my Ford/ (Which I trust that you know how to drive)." Some Losers ignored this line in the instructions: "No matter how obvious it is to you, please supply the title of the song you're limericking." I was sure about most of the unattributed limericks (some of which got ink because I am nice), was pretty sure about some, and tossed the rest. As usual with Invite music-themed contests, the references leaned heavily into the 20th century, specifically the 1960s and '70s, along with old-timey classics, camp songs, etc. We don't have anything currently in the Top 40 in this week's lim-list, but at least there are entries based on the less fogy "Uptown Funk" (2014), "Jesus Take the Wheel" and the somewhat contrasting "Don't Cha" (2005) and, tucked way down near the bottom, Seth Brown's "damp cat" take on "WAP" (2020). Oh, and "Baby Shark" (2016 but it feels like a thousand years already). Some of the entries included fun facts about the songs. I knew that the FBI investigated whether the garbly lyrics of the Kingsmen's "Louie, Louie" were hiding something dirrrteee, but it was new to me that the BBC at first refused to play the Who's "My Generation" out of sensitivity to stutterers (Chris Doyle's non-inking entry ended "It offended, they said, /Folks who stutter, which led /To them giving the Who p-p-pause." And Bob Turvey from across the pond accompanied his precis of the 1871 hymn "Onward, Christian Soldiers" with a note pointing out that William S. Baring-Gould, grandson of the hymn's composer, wrote the U.K. best-selling 1967 collection "The Lure of the Limerick: An Uninhibited History." The limerick was a bit straightforward, but I'd love to see that book. I hope you keep that hickory-dickory-dock rhythm nearby; sometime next month we'll have our 18th Limerixicon, our annual contest in conjunction with OEDILF.com to write limericks that feature words from a particular sliver of the dictionary (somewhere in the H's, it should be). What Doug Dug: "They were all good, really," Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood told me after reading this week's results. Well, yeah, we know that. But Doug did offer that his favorite song-limerick was Robert Schechter's of "Over the Rainbow," explaining exactly why oh why happy little bluebirds fly but Dorothy can't. Doug also singled out Melissa Balmain's limerick about the A-B-C song; Chris Doyle reminding us that "Louie, Louie" rhymes with "FBI," which suspected the Kingsmen's unintelligible lyrics contained dangerous obscenity); and George Thompson's five-line "Stairway to Heaven." ====================================================================== WEEK 1446, published July 25, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1446: Clue us in — as we spill the beans It's our reverse crossword, with a twist. Plus compare/contrast winners.(Los Angeles Times crossword published in The Post July 11; © 2021, Tribune Content Agency) By Pat Myers July 22, 2021 at 9:58 a.m. EDT 0 (Click here to skip down to this week's compare/contrast winners) The reverse crossword — we show you the answers, you write the clues — is a Style Invitational perennial; we've done the contest at least 17 times before. There are always lots of clever clues in the results, but frequently the same entry is submitted by a dozen different people. So this time the Empress hopes to broaden the variety of entries with the help of some lentils from her pantry. Above is the answer grid for the Los Angeles Times puzzle that ran on this page July 11 — but I've covered more than half of the squares with the li'l legumes so that you can choose your own letters in almost all the words in the grid. This week: Write novel clues for as many as 25 answers in the grid, across or down, first substituting your own letters for any covered ones. Your answer may be a single word or a phrase, a real word or one you made up. (Treat unbeaned answers as those actual words.) The letters DON'T have to cross; just think of each answer on the grid as an individual word or phrase, just placed in an irritatingly unwieldy format instead of a nice tidy list. Also, your clues don't have to be as brief as in real crosswords, but they shouldn't run more than a dozen words or so. Yes, it CAN make you say. "Huh?" This week's second prize. Yes, it CAN make you say. "Huh?" This week's second prize. There's one hitch: To make the letters big enough to be read, the Empress left the numbers out of the squares, which means you can't tell me where your word appears on the grid. So: YOU MUST SUBMIT YOUR ENTRIES IN THIS FORMAT: "— First type the word as it appears, with hyphens or dashes designating the covered squares; "— then type YOUR word; "— then type your clue, as in the examples below. Do not break those elements into separate lines! Just like this: — — AR — F —: CLARIFY: What you do after you're caught in a blatant lie TH — — P — AN: THE APIAN: Jeff Goldblum's new movie role as a giant bee Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1446 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 2; results appear Aug. 22 in print, Aug. 19 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an olive-drab canvas bag that Loser Cheryl Davis got from a street vendor at the Great Wall of China. The lettering is Mao's own, of his motto "Serve the People," but who's that pictured in the Chinese army uniform? Why, it's . . . Barack Obama. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "List Tickles" is by Mark Raffman; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style Conversational: In this week's column the Empress provides that tidy list of the words (complete with dashes) in the grid. See wapo.st/conv1446. The "You're Invited" podcast: A new half-hour episode just dropped, featuring several Losers, live from the Invite picnic at the Empress's house. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . List tickles: Compare/contrast winners from Week 1442 Week 1442 was another installment of our compare/contrast contest, in which you explain how any two items on the random list we posted are alike or different. As usual, lots of the connections were real stretches, but some were so right that it seemed we must have planned for such an answer (but we didn't). 4th place: The difference between Simone Biles and the Texas power grid: You can count on only one of them to light up an arena. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3rd place: An Olympic pole vaulter: Man with a 17-foot pole. An evening with Mitch McConnell: Man! Not with a 17-foot pole! (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 2nd place and the socks that look like a box of Nerds candy: A quarantine puppy and the world's largest pants: Both come out of a dog giving birth. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) And the winners of the Clowning Achievement: 12 gallons of hand sanitizer: Purell. An evening with Mitch McConnell: Pure 'ell. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich; Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md., who submitted virtually identical entries) Linklings: Honorable mentions A mask-making company and an evening with Mitch McConnell: With one, you cover your nose and mouth; with the other, cover your eyes and ears. (Frank Mann, Washington) A mask-making company: 3M. Pineapple upside-down cake: MMM! (Jesse Frankovich) The world's largest pants and the singular "they": They're both really useful when nothing else quite fits. (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) An evening with McConnell would give Obama fits. The world's largest pants are what Your Mama fits. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) The world's largest pants and a non-fungible token: Both allow for wide swings of your most precious assets. (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.) The world's smallest pants and a pre-algebra textbook: My teenage daughter wouldn't be caught dead with a textbook in public. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) A mask-making company and a quarantine puppy: One cleaned up during the pandemic, and the other made you do it. (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.) Pineapple upside-down cake and pandemic gray hair: You can imagine Rudy Giuliani turning up publicly with the cake on his head, but definitely not the gray hair. (Mark Turco, McLean, Va.) Simone Biles and an evening with McConnell: Simone Biles also flips when it's inconvenient. (Jesse Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.) A triple word score and an evening with McConnell: Both are better if you have a J. (Deb Stewart) 12 gallons of hand sanitizer and Jewish space lasers: They make the perfect gift package for the modern-day mohel. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 12 gallons of hand sanitizer: It's not easy being clean. Jewish space lasers: It's not easy being a clown. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) A doped horse and an Olympic pole vaulter: Both might elicit the cry "Cleared the rail and now falling on his head!" (Duncan Stevens, vacationing in Gloucester, Mass.) A mask-making company and 12 gallons of hand sanitizer: Two things you should have bought in February 2020. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) The third seat on Jeff Bezos's space trip and an evening with McConnell: One offers 12 minutes of excitement. (Jeff Rackow) A non-fungible token and an evening with McConnell: In short, you could call either of them "non-fun." (Gary Crockett) A pineapple upside-down cake and an evening with Mitch McConnell would both be sweet repasts, except for the evening with Mitch McConnell. (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.) A pole vaulter and Simone Biles get about the same height off the ground, but you'll never see a pole vaulter stick the landing. (Steve Brevig, Springfield, Va.) Both a doped horse and a quarantine puppy have a leg up. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) Mozart and the third seat on Jeff Bezos's space trip and 12 gallons of hand sanitizer: Hear high G, feel high G and smell hygiene. (Ben Aronin, Washington) Pandemic gray hair: You maybe don't want to dye it. Pineapple upside-down cake: You definitely don't want to diet. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Pandemic gray hair vs. the Texas power grid: People want only want one of those to go dark again. (Jesse Frankovich) Simone Biles: Awe. A quarantine puppy: Aww. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) The difference between cardboard audience members and an evening with Mitch McConnell: One will lie out flat; the other will be flat out lies. (Kevin Dopart) Jewish space lasers vs. a vaccination card: One is the outrageous creation used to shame a minority that just wants to be left alone, and the other is space lasers run by Jews. — M. Taylor Greene (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Jewish space lasers and a pre-algebra textbook: Both are clearly the Devil's work. — M.T.G., Georgia (Frank Mann) A quarantine puppy and pineapple upside-down cake: With the cake, the toppings are set down first; with the puppy, the droppings are set down all the time. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) An evening with Mitch McConnell is far less likely than the singular "they" to end in an awkward conjugation. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Jewish space lasers and the Texas power grid: In cold weather, the lasers may actually work. (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md., Leif Picoult) A vaccination card and Simone Biles: The card won't fit into your pocket. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) A mask-making company and the world's smallest pants: No one would be surprised to find Matt Gaetz trying to get into the pants. (Kevin Dopart) The world's largest pants and the world's smallest pants: The former could cover an entire camel; the latter, only its toe. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, July 26: Our contest for poems based on spelling bee words. See wapo.st/invite1445. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1447, published August 1, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1447: Give it to us straight Turn a sentence in the paper into 'plain English.' Plus laws with those acronym names.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers July 29, 2021 at 9:58 a.m. EDT 0 (Click here to skip down to the winning acronym legislation) Treasury Department official: "The economy was in strong condition going into the recent period of volatility, and while certain sectors like housing are undergoing a transition, overall economic fundamentals remain solid." Plain English: "The poo hasn't hit the fan — yet." (Susan Shapiro, Week 729, 2007) President George W. Bush (about Iraq): "If the kind of success we are now seeing continues, it will be possible to maintain the same level of security with fewer American forces." Plain English version: "Sure, maintaining the level of 'insanely dangerous' takes almost no troops at all." (Russ Taylor, winner of Week 729) The Empress's neighbor Sequoia Geist isn't hiding a beehive hairdo in there. But he could be. The Empress's neighbor Sequoia Geist isn't hiding a beehive hairdo in there. But he could be. Here's a contest that we haven't done in years, but — as you can see from the examples above — is as timely (and timeless) as ever. This week: Take any sentence from an article or ad in any publication (print or online) dated July 29 through Aug. 9, 2021, and interpret it in "plain English," as in the examples above from our 2007 PE contest. Please include a link to the online article you're quoting from, or the name and date of the print publication, for quality assurance purposes (Plain English: I don't trust you). Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1447 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 9; results appear Aug. 29 in print, Aug. 26 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this jaunty Hmong-style hat, donated by Loser Barbara Turner and modeled here by the Empress's neighbor Sequoia Geist, age 9. You do need to build up that back-to-the-office wardrobe, no? Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Loco Motions" is by Jeff Contompasis; both Jeff and Duncan Stevens came up with the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, July 29, at wapo.st/conv1447. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Loco motions: The legislative acronyms of Week 1443 In Week 1443 the Empress asked for ridiculously contrived acronyms for some suggested new laws, inspired by the real ones introduced by would-be wags on the House and Senate floors — like the Delivering Envelopes Judiciously On-time Year-round Act — the DEJOY Act. 4th place: The Girls Are Ever Tugging at Zippers (GAETZ) Act to exempt any male member of Congress from charges of sex trafficking, because everybody knows that teenagers can't help being attracted to 38-year-old men. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 3rd place: The So Maddening, Oy, Those Horrible Exasperating Rings!: The SMOTHER Act to allow audience members to grab and disable any cellphone that goes off during a concert or play. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore, a bassist with the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra) 2nd place and the scary-sea-creature hand puppet: The Idiots' Narrative: Serenely, Unexcitedly Registered Remonstrance, Entered Capitol, Toured, Idly Obtained Nooses resolution that you shouldn't believe your lying eyes. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: The Let's Acknowledge Legitimately Authentic, Literate Americans Love Apathy resolution, to earnestly affirm that climate change is an existential crisis and we really should do something about it someday. It's the LALALALA resolution. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Died in committee: Honorable mentions An act to Subsidize Overprotected Corporate Interests by Authorizing Loans, Incentives and Secret Money — to be funded by a tax on irony. (Kevin Dopart) Endorsing Legislators' Efforts to Pack Heat and Annoy Nancy, Too: The ELEPHANT Act, permitting members of one political party to carry firearms in Congress. — L. Boebert, Rifle, Colo. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) The Building America's Stamina to Endure Boredom A Little Longer bill to distribute NoDoz during the late-innings parade of relief pitchers. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) Get Out! The Overseas Hackers ELimination Law: A bill authorizing harsh consequences for foreign cybercriminals. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Getting Elections Tossed Out by Voting Endless Recounts Is Tyranny: The GET OVER IT Act creates criminal penalties for state legislators who try to deny winning candidates with phony "audits." (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) Jetway Area Mitigation: The JAM Act requires airport gate areas to have enough seating for at least 10 percent of the passengers on a flight. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Fox News lobbied for the Totally Unsubstantiated, Colossally Knowledgeless, Error-Riddled, Crosseyed Articles Reading Like Smart, Objective News Act to commemorate its star misreporter. (Mike Chung, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) The Binary Initiative to Transfer Capital from Online Investment Neophytes: Also known as the Fool and His Money plan. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) The Squelch Thoughtless Fireworks Users Act. Makes it a felony to set off an explosive device after 10 p.m. (Jonathan Jensen) Billionaires Orbiting in Yachts in Space — Tax On Your Self-importance: The BOYS' TOYS Act, one way to get these guys to pay up. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) The Cacophonous Insects Considered A Delicious Alternative Act: To fund a cookbook with fabulous new recipes in 2038. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) While Earth's Ailments Require Expeditious Solutions, Congress Regards Everything With Endless Delay: It's the WE ARE SCREWED Act. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) The More Oratory Reveals Only Nothingness bill to encourage legislators to sit down and listen once in a while. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) All Contractions Require One Notification Yielding Meaning — the ACRONYM Act — requires that abbreviations be spelled out on first use. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The Cover Your Backside from Excessive Regulation Act directs federal agencies to accept assurances of network security such as "We've got this." (Jeff Hazle) Don't Appraise The Evening Literally; Assessments Bloated: The DATE LAB Act commemorates the 15th anniversary of the Washington Post feature in which the daters rate each other a 4 or 5, but then they never contact each other again. (Jesse Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.) The BURP Act, Billions Underwriting Ridiculous Programs. Finally, legislation with true bipartisan support. (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) Cushioning Our World From All Rectal Threats: The COW FART Act intends to slow the spread of global warming by ordering the refashioning of leftover masks into diapers for farm animals. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Duh, Another Dumb "Jocular Original" Kneeslapper, Eh?: The DAD JOKE Act forbids fathers to say anything they consider amusing around their teenage children or their children's friends. (Roy Ashley) The Help Yourself Poke Opposition Comments Right In The Eye Act provides professional advisers to help politicians criticize opponents for taking positions they themselves once had. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) The Late-Evening Giant Ouch Stoppage Act requires all toys to be picked up before bedtime. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) The Carnivorous Rats Irritating Trappists! Icelandic Cows Attacking Lovely Rainbows! Aardvarks Clipping Extraneous Toenails, Having Extremely Orgasmic Relations, Yearly! resolution that sure, Congress definitely understands what critical race theory is, no problem. (Duncan Stevens) The Eliminating Frivolous Filibusters Used for Manufactured, Irrelevant or Trivial Concerns and Holdups Act: The EFF U MITCH Act. (Shannon Bartlett Kizer, Beaverton, Ore.) And Last: The Likable, Omniscient, Svelte Empress Recognition Act to increase one's chances in a certain contest. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And Even Laster: The Sending Top-notch Yuks, Leaving Empty-handed Act: Everyone gets a magnet from now on. (Luke Baker, Columbia, Md.) Still running— deadline Monday night, Aug. 2: Our contest for crossword clues. See wapo.st/invite1446. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1448, published August 8, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1448: Hear, hear, it's Limerixicon XVIII Write a limerick featuring a word starting with he-. Plus winners of our new-sport contest.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers August 5, 2021 at 10:21 a.m. EDT 2 (Click here to skip down to the winning ideas for new sports) Though she sang with a voice operatic, She ate marshmallows like a fanatic. But then it got tricky — Her tonsils got sticky! Now all we can hear is s'more static. (Beverley Sharp) Just about a year ago, we checked in for the 17th time with limerick guru Chris Strolin, whose mission to create a full English dictionary with every entry in limerick form had worked its way up to the ha- words. (Chris's current estimate for completion at OEDILF.com: Oct. 15, 2061. "I'll live to see the Z- section open if I can just make it to my 109th birthday.") And now for our 18th sliver of the dictionary: Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any word, name or term beginning with "he-," as in the example above from a 2010 limerick contest. By "significantly," we mean that a "he" or "her" won't qualify your limerick unless it were really focused on that word. In case you'd like to pet your bulletin board: Dog butt push pins, this week's second prize. In case you'd like to pet your bulletin board: Dog butt push pins, this week's second prize. Please see our guide "Get Your 'Rick Rolling" at wapo.st/limericks1448 for our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell: "perfect" rhyme, and a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm in Lines 1, 2 and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; additional unaccented syllables on either side are fine). Read the example above out loud, with big accents on the accented syllables, and you'll see what we mean. See OEDILF.com about submitting limericks there, if you like, after this contest is over. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1448 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 16; results appear Sept. 5 in print, Sept. 2 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of Dog Butt push pins, the adorable inch-long rears of five assorted breeds plus a bonus half a fire hydrant. The Empress is thinking they could be modified into lapel pins as well. Donated by Style Invitational Devotees member Sheri Sutherland. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "The Puntathlon" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1448. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . The puntathlon: Altered sports names from Week 1444 In Week 1444 the Empress asked you to slightly change the name of a sport (or sport-related term) and describe the new one. Too many people to credit among some 1,800 entries offered the tryathlon (everyone gets a trophy), BMX changed to BM (you can imagine), the snot put (ditto) and the shot putt, hitting a 16-pound iron ball with a golf club. 4th place: Offencing: Talk-show hosts compete to say the most reprehensible, dangerous things. The winner gets a prime-time spot on cable so they can complain every night about being "censored." (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: Worstminton: Instead of a shuttlecock, it's played with a grenade. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) 2nd place and the winner of the book "The Gas We Pass": American Ninja Worrier: Anxious parents must surmount a series of extreme obstacles, from the devilishly sensible "He'll probably text us in the morning" to the terrifyingly reasonable "She's an adult; she can make her own choices." (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Marrython: The only endurance sport where you try not to reach the finish line. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Gave only 109 percent: Honorable mentions Blaséball: Whatever it is that the Orioles do year after year. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Splatform diving: The world's foremost bellyfloppers show what gravity and mass can do to an unsuspecting body of water. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco) Antennis: Contestants find it's really hard to hit a ball with a racket strapped to your head. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Lagrosse: Players drink huge quantities of beer and try to score by vomiting into the opposing team's goal. (Frank Mann, Washington) March Adness: Three weeks of commercials, occasionally interrupted by a few minutes of basketball. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) The 20K talk: Two-person teams recite one of Aaron Sorkin's walking dialogues without taking a breath. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) Microsoftball: Every few innings the umpire updates the rule book, often requiring the game to restart. (Eric Nelkin) Moderna pentathlon: Comprises the Vaccination Booking, the Serpentine Queue Dash, the Immediate Selfie Post, the Info-Sheet-Into-Recycling-Bin Toss and the Two-Days-Later Sore-Armed Sports Bra Removal. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) Poll vault: Would-be voters try to clear the high bar set by their state legislators. (Diana Oertel) 100x4-meter relay: It's all about the baton pass. (John Klayman, Fairfax, Md.) Bandminton: Replace rackets with instruments: Amateur level: banjo; pro level: clarinet. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Badmitten:Competitors must carry a tray full of cookies straight from the oven across the room wearing only thin gloves. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Vladminton: Racket sport played shirtless on horseback. Strongly advised you let him win. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2x4x100 relay: Long pieces of lumber ensure socially distanced handoffs. Just watch for splinters. (Pam Sweeney) 50-meter crash: All runners must change lanes before the finish line. (Marleen May, Rockville, Md.) Slam donk: Bouncing the ball off a defender's head and into the basket. Two points. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) Archerry: Shooting an apple off someone's head? That's for novices! (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.; Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Anarchery: No targets, just shoot at whatever you want. Not a highly attended event. (Brian Collins, Olney, Md.) Fartchery: Silent but deadly arrows pierce through the air, misting their marks with pinpoint accuracy. Extra points for duration, volume and linger time. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines; Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.) Hibocce: Lawn bowling on a red-hot grill keeps the action moving. (Connie Ostrowski, Niskayuna, N.Y., a First Offender) Arrhythmic gymnastics: Me trying to do a cartwheel. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Baskeetball: When a player shoots a hoop, an opposing player blasts at the ball with a shotgun. Shooting another player draws two free throws (not by the fouled player). (John Kammer, South Riding, Va.) Blobsled: A Winter/Summer Games crossover: Two sumo wrestlers ride down an iced and greased track in pursuit of a bowl of chankonabe. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Canoedling: Not much paddling happens in this sport, unless your teammate is Christian Grey. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Clickit: Chinese and Russian teams vie to entice naive Americans into opening email attachments. (Craig Schopmeyer, Kensington, Md.) Fig skating: Instead of a garish costume, each skater wears nothing but a simple, elegant leaf. Not for the shy or the easily chilled. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) I'll Pine skiing: Southerners sit around and long for snow. (Drew Bennett) IdidArod: Madonna and J.Lo are among the participants in this popular New York sport. (Mark Turco, McLean, Va.) Mototoss: Bodybuilders compete to see who can fling a Mini Cooper the farthest. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) NASCARA: Competitors use the rearview mirror to put on eye makeup while driving 200 miles an hour. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Po'lo: A street game played on bikes with sticks and a soda can. (Tom Witte) Duper Bowl: The Republican primary. (Ward Foeller, Charlottesville, Va.) Ruder Cup: A golf tournament featuring strategic coughing and tactical arm farts. (Jim Reagan, Herndon, Va.) Earobics: The athletic contortions you undergo to get rid of the pool water that's sloshing around your cochlea. (Duncan Stevens) The 1,500-meeter: Politicians and sales reps compete in a networking marathon. Points for double handshaking, deep eye contact and addressing each person by name. (John Bunyan, Cincinnati) ' Greco-ramen wrestling: Using just their upper bodies, athletes try to pin each other in a giant tub of noodles. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Greco-romantic wrestling: Manly grappling featuring intimate and provocative holds. Spectators often blush at the climactic "pin." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Heavyweight doxing: Forget trash talk — if you really want to rattle your opponent in the ring, shout his street address to the crowd. (Melissa Balmain) Serfing: Participants try to keep their heads above water as they are buffeted by wave after wave. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) Stanley Cup Wayoffs: The NHL regular season just ended — which means seven more months of hockey. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) Herptathlon: Seven competitors spin the bottle. The object is to avoid kissing the one with the cold sore. (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) DiscUSPS:Contestants vie for the longest throw — measured in time to destination. (Mark Raffman) Casketball: Last one in wins it. (Craig Dykstra) Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 9: Our contest to translate a sentence in the paper into "plain English." See wapo.st/invite1447. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1449, published August 15, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1449: Let's have a get-together A 'Before and After' name contest. Plus funny poems and jokes on spelling bee words.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers August 12, 2021 at 10:02 a.m. EDT 0 (Click here to skip down to the winning poems and jokes featuring spelling bee words) Heimlichtenstein: A small country firmly lodged between Austria and Switzerland. (Sandra Hull, 1998) Robert Frosty the Snowman: Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. All I know is that if this hat goes, I'm a puddle. (Rob Huffman, 2012) Rene Descartes Before the Horse: I am, therefore I think. (Bob Dalton, 1998) Edgar Allan Popeil: Quoth the Raven, "Wait, there's more!" (Pam Sweeney, 2010) Call it the Munchkin: The lapel pin that's this week's second prize. Call it the Munchkin: The lapel pin that's this week's second prize. (moma.org) Here's a contest we've done in different ways over the decades, first inspired by the "Before and After" category on "Wheel of Fortune" (and later "Jeopardy!"): Begin with a real name; append to it a word, name or expression so that they overlap; and finally define or "quote" the resulting phrase or name, as in the inking examples above. The spellings don't have to apply accurately to both elements — witness "Nicorette Butler," star of "Gone With the Winstons" (Chris Doyle, 2010) — but they should be pronounced the same or you're likely to spoil the joke. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1449 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 23; results appear Sept. 12 in print, Sept. 9 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a tiny and elegant (in its way) lapel pin with the iconic "Scream" character from the painting. Call it the Munchkin. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Bee't Poets" is by Mark Raffman; Jesse Frankovich and Beverley Sharp both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. ADVERTISING The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, Aug. 12, discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, in which she'll share the sometimes now-obscure topical humor of our previous portmanteau-names contests, at wapo.st/conv1449. The "You're Invited" podcast: A new episode featuring one of the Invite's greatest and funniest Losers, Brendan Beary. Hear it and 14 other half-hour eps at bit.ly/invite-podcast or most other podcast platforms. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Bee't poets: Spelling words in verse In Week 1445 we asked you to write a funny poem or Q&A-type joke, featuring one of the words in the later rounds of this year's Scripps National Spelling Bee. We think the kids should ask the readers, "Can you use that in a poem?" 4th place: Thanatophidia, poisonous snakes (a double dactyl) Herpety-perpety, It'd be awesome if Samuel L. Jackson used Terms more arcane: "I've had a surfeit of Thanatophidia On this mephitic and Feculent plane." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: Vrille, a maneuver in which a plane spins downward, nose-first Pandemic Self-Talk Ha ha, I'll be fine, I am healthy and whole! If I say I'll get through it, I will. My life isn't spiraling out of control — I'm, uh "¦ purposely doing a vrille. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) 2nd place and the bathroom-scale 'stress reliever' toy: Argentous, containing silver Second place! An achievement momentous! A feather this puts in my cap! But instead of a medal argentous, Pat sent me some lame piece of crap. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) [Hmm, he sounds ... stressed.] And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Dysphotic, poorly illuminated Dysphotic water's where to hide The bodies of the vics who died For disrespecting capos' wishes. Now they're sleeping with the fishes At the bottom of the Hudson, Down in zones that too much mud's in. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Bee-minus: Honorable mentions Gewgaw, a shiny trinket Bon Voyage A trinket or a knickknack, an ornament, a kickshaw, a frippery, a gimcrack, a bibelot, a gewgaw . . . Bring me back a souvenir, some cheap Parisian trifle, even if it's just a mere synthetic plastic Eiffel. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Thanatophidia, poisonous snakes On the red carpet, a wardrobe malfunction: Medusa is vamping, without much compunction, Revealing the writhing of thanatophidia. For safety, I beg you, don't YouTube the videa! (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Higgledy-piggledy, Rural Australia is Loaded with critters we'd Better beware: These include octopi, Thanatophidia, Spiders and dingoes, but Not the drop bear.* (Stephen Gilberg, Silver Spring, Md.) *A mythical terror-koala Regolith (REG-uh-lith), loose deposits above solid rock That county extension guy knows how to call it! He took a quick look at my garden and said: "Your regolith is of inferior quality. "Lose all those moon rocks — try soil instead." (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) Q. That farmer who damaged the soil — what did they charge him with? A. Regolith endangerment! (Jesse Frankovich) Advertisement Nepeta (NEP-eta), the genus that includes catnip Mumbled Smoky (light gray, neutered male), Whom the fuzz had just tossed into jail: "Yah, I guess it wuz nepeta, But m'job's justa schlepitta Other cats. Dawg, I didn't inhale." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Potiche (po-TEESH), a ceramic vase with a lid Grandma's spirit to heaven's returned But her ashes, I've recently learned, Are inside a potiche (That's a vase — you capisce?) On our mantel, the spot that she's urned. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Trophallactic, sharing regurgitated food, as ants and bees do Met her on a dating website, Hoped she'd fill my lusty thirst, Thinking we should meet in person; Fortunately, she asked first. "Won't you come and share a meal?" So I rushed over, rang her bell; Turned out she was trophallactic And the date did not go well. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Bathyal, relating to the deepest seas The bathyal depths of the ocean Hold creatures that will never see the sky. And yet these poor light-deprived critters Care more about Kardashians than I. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Paramimia, misuse of gesture in expressing thought Paramimia Pete offers words that seem sweet, But his hands leave impressions that linger; It's quite disconcerting: One moment he's flirting, Then he suddenly gives you the finger. (Duncan Stevens) Paramimia is gesturing, it's said, That [arms open wide] May confuse [push] one instead. [Face palm] Come hither! So hot in here! [shiver] [Eye roll] Please hug me! I like you! [shakes head] (Frank Mann, Washington) Sloe, a plumlike fruit used to make gin Candy is dandy And liquor is quicker, But is that still so If the liquor is sloe? (Jesse Frankovich) Saxicolous, growing on rock A rock climber, known only as Nicholas, Fell and landed on something saxicolous. Now his imprint, in lichen, Can be seen by those hikin' — Mountaineers say the crowds are ridicolous. (Frank Osen) Dysphotic, dimly lit, and batrachian (ba-TRAY-kian), relating to frogs and toads Turn the Lights Down First, Darling "Nothing's more erotic than a bedchamber dysphotic!" (says she whose paramour possesses skillful kisses and caresses and a buoyant, bubbly bonhomie . . . and batrachian physiognomy.) (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) The creature you see is batrachian (Unless I'm completely mistakian). 'Twas a frog or a toad That was crossing the road, But now the poor thing is pancakian. (Craig Dykstra) Ancistroid, hook-shaped After four freaking years of his dreck Don's removal was welcome as heck Vaudeville once employed What we should have enjoyed: An ancistroid cane round his neck! (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Thanatophidia Hissery hassery Gorgon Medusa can Turn you to stone just by Looking your way. Fearsome, her head's full of Thanatophidia. That's what you might call an Evil hair day. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) The Ash Grove With apologies to the poem by Thomas Oliphant Melody of the song here Down yonder green valley again I am coming, Where rolling stones gain no saxicolous moss. 'Midst nepeta fragrant and trochiline* humming My heart is aphyllous,** dysphotic with loss. O where is my true love, my Lulu, my doozy, Whose ancistroid wiles set my soul in a vrille? Batrachians, oh, tell me, where is the fair floozy? "She croaked, bro, and lies 'neath the regolith chill." (Steve Bremner, Philadelphia) *trochiline: of hummingbirds; *aphyllous: bare of leaves; **ancistroid: hook-shaped And Last: Dysphotic The Washington Post gives this word to the wise: In conditions dysphotic, democracy dies. (Jesse Frankovich) Still running — deadline Monday, Aug. 16: our contest for lim-ericks with words starting with "he-." See wapo.st/invite1448. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1450, published August 22, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1450: Putting 'anoid' in humanoid Describe something we do as a space alien would see it. Plus novel crossword clues.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Today at 10:08 a.m. EDT 0 (Click here to skip down to the winning crossword clues) Captcha: The ability to recognize crosswalks, buses, etc., is rare and highly prized in this civilization; humans with that skill are entitled to special benefits. On one particular autumn day, humans customarily eat a large meal, then trample one another seeking electronic equipment, seemingly regretting their failure to film the meal sufficiently. Long lines at certain polling places: Elections in urban areas must present such wrenching choices that people take hours to ponder their options. In rural regions, however, voters can readily decide the agricultural-policy issues presented. Little bendy Bigfoot comes complete with a "scat sample." How prizey! Little bendy Bigfoot comes complete with a "scat sample." How prizey! You are an anthropologist from the future. Or you are a visiting space alien. Or perhaps a visiting space alien anthropologist from the future. This week: Humorously describe some aspect of our current society as a space alien and/or future anthropologist might interpret it, as in the examples above by 692-time Humanoid Loser Duncan Stevens, who suggested this contest. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1450 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 30; results appear Sept. 19 in print, Sept. 16 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a cute bendy Bigfoot toy, complete with a can of "Bigfoot scat poo sample." Truth be told, this Bigfoot is more like Littlefoot, being about five inches tall. Then again, it does make the Footster harder to find. Donated by Invite fan Dan Huff. (L.A. Times crossword published in The Post July 11; copyright 2021, Tribune Content Agency) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Lentil Fill-Ins" is by Dave Prevar; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. Advertisement The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1450. The "You're Invited" podcast: Fifteen half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Lentil fill-ins: The partial crossword of Week 1446 In Week 1446 I presented a filled-in version of a recent crossword — but I covered a number of squares with lentils (see below). Then I asked the Losers to supply their own choice of letters to replace the lentils in any word or phrase, then give a creative clue. Here are the best among almost 1,200 entries. See this week's Style Conversational at wapo.st/conv1450 (published late afternoon Thursday, Aug. 19) for a host of hilarious plays on the lentilized PANTSONFIRE and other longer answers. (Click here to see the uncovered grid with the actual words.) 4th place: P-AY > pBAY: Buy your clean urine sample here! (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) 3rd place: BO - - E > BOWIE: Famous for being big, shiny and cutting-edge in the 1970s — and the 1830s (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) 2nd place and the canvas bag picturing heroic Obama a la Mao: R-E > ROE: Supreme Court case that Supreme Court nominees may or may not have heard of, have no opinion about, and certainly are not intending to overrule (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: T- - N > TEEN: I'm working on the definition, OKAY? (Roy Ashley, Washington) Clues-lose situations: Honorable mentions -HU-B-AR > THUG BEAR: National park resident, infamous for jacking pick-a-nic baskets, changes his serene name (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) -P-R- > SPORT: What Grandpa calls you when he forgets your name (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) -O-EL > BOWEL: If you snarf an entire box of Cheerios at one sitting, you will have a ___ of cereal. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) -EAR - - > FEARTV: New name for Fox News? (Leif Picoult) A-NE- > AWNET: The all-puppies-and-kittens YouTube channel. (Beverley Sharp) -AN-SON-I-E > PANTS ON FILE: How the fashion police track down repeat offenders (Coleman Glenn) -AN-SON-I-E > PANTS ON MICE: One way to control the rodent population (Lenard King, Richmond, Va., a First Offender) -AN-SON-I-E > PANTS-ON FINE: What the Norwegian beach handball team has to pay for not wearing bikini bottoms (Miriam Nadel, Vienna, Va.) A-T- > ALT-U: Liberty University. (Daniel Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.) B-R-STA > BORISTA: Long-winded coffee server: "Let's walk through the flavor profile of Tuvaluan Botarga . . ." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Advertisement B-R-STA > BARDSTA: They serve up poems with your coffee. "Your double half-caf mocha Frappuccino/ Will soon arrive, as fast as a neutrino." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) BAN- > BANK: If you owe it $10,000 and don't have it, you're in trouble. If you owe it $10 million and don't have it, it's in trouble. (Roy Ashley) -CA- > ACAI: The kale of berries (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) DO-T- -L-ME: DOCTOR LAME: One of the few Marvel characters not to get a movie (John Hutchins) DO-T- -L-ME > DON T. TOLD ME: Rioter's reason for storming the Capitol (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.; Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) E - E > EEE: The shores the Marines sing about. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) F-R - - > FARGO: Yoda's travel plans in the Midwest (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) I - - > IFA: International Fonetic Alphabet (Steve Honley, Washington) IN-NE- - > INANEST: The _____ bird, the cuckoo, still lives ____ (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase; Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) -LDIES: ALDIES: Gore's final inconvenient truth (Jesse Frankovich) LE-O-B-O-N > LEMON BROWN: One of the new "back of the fridge" Crayola colors (Coleman Glenn) LE-O-B-O-N > LEMON BROWN: The sourest man in the whole damn town. (Frank Mann, Washington) NA - E > NAKE: Disrobe someone (synonym: "nu") (Daniel Galef) -O-EL > NOHEL: Anti-circumcision activist (Neal Starkman, Seattle) O-I-E > OUIEE: Response to "Would you like to ride the French roller coaster?" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) P-O-IP > POODIP: What makes crudités even cruder (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) P- -P > PAMP: What some diapers do (Duncan Stevens) R-A- -S > REARMS: What a starfish amputee does. (Gary Crockett) SW- -T- - - -LOT- - > SWEET CHARLOTTE: Original Neil Diamond title before he realized the only rhyme he could think of was "harlot" (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) SWE--T----LOT-- > SWEET CHARLOTTE: What we never hear the King of England say in "Bridgerton." (Steve Honley) SW- -T- - - -LOT- - > SWEATS THE LOTTO: Bets the milk money on Powerball (Steve Dantzler, Brookeville, Md.) -H-N K-R > THINKOR: _____ thwim (Steve Glomb) A-C- -RS> ANCHORS: They plumb the depths, both at sea and on TV. (Beverley Sharp; Kevin Dopart, Washington) D-NY > DO NY: What they said after Debbie did Dallas (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.) - -E > WHE: The middle of nowhere (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) -EI--S > HEIRS: Wills often split these (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) FO- - -ED > FOG-EYED: Wearing glasses with your mask (Chris Doyle) - -TER > WATER: Substance formerly found in Lake Mead (John Hutchins) -P-R- > SPURT: Something your body does when you're a teenager going through puberty. (Daniel Galef) And Last: -SI > F SI: Abbreviated form of "No ink again!?" (Mark Raffman) And Even Laster: - - GY > EGGY: Your face when the Empress emails you with a screen shot showing that your favorite pun has 769,000 Google hits (Erika Reinfeld, Medford, Mass.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 23: Our "before and after" contest to combine two names. See wapo.st/invite1449. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1451, published August 29, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1451: Could have said it worse ourselves Give us 'bad first drafts' of famous lines. Plus winning 'plain English' translations.(Cartoon by Bob Staakefor The Washington Post; Week 108 honorable mention by David M. King) By Pat Myers Yesterday at 9:38 a.m. EDT 0 (Click here to skip down to the inking "plain English" translations) "And God saw that it was scrumdiddlyumptious." (Kevin Mellema) "The Giants win the NLCS! The Giants win the NLCS!" (Paul Kocak) "I float like a butterfly and sting like a really, really angry butterfly." (Ken Krattenmaker) "We hold these truths to be, like, duuuh . . ." (Joseph Romm) Ohhhh. Well, then. Three of the 50 lies and excuses in this week's second prize. Ohhhh. Well, then. Three of the 50 lies and excuses in this week's second prize. Looking through the archives for classic entries to turn into Style Invitational Ink of the Day graphics on Facebook, the Empress realized that it's time for some new classics in a contest we first did in 1995: Give us a humorously bad "first draft" of a famous line from history, literature or entertainment, as in the examples above from waaay back in Week 108 (the Declaration quote won the contest). Obviously it needs to be clear to the reader what the original quote was, but please include the name of whoever said it. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1451 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 6; results appear Sept. 26 in print, Sept. 23 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a little box of cards labeled "50 of the Best Excuses and Lies for Every Occasion," "best" seeming here to mean "absolutely lamest." I guess that if you're in a bind, all you do is pull out one of these numbered cards, from "I wanted to give you extra time to get ready" to the simple "Who, me?," and wave it at your ticked-off questioner. (I did admire No. 23, "My stigmata's acting up.") Donated by Loser Cheryl White. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "LOL Clear" is by Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, in which she'll share more results from Week 108 and related contests (published late afternoon Thursday, Aug. 26), at wapo.st/conv1451. The "You're Invited" podcast: The latest 30-minute episode features Invite legend and anagram savant Jesse Frankovich. He's amazing. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . LOL clear: 'Plain English' translations from Week 1447 In Week 1447 we asked readers to find some sentence in an article or ad, then translate it into "plain English" and tell us what it really meant. 4th place: Washington Post article: "The exemptions for law enforcement-related records in public records statutes are often broadly worded and are often given deference by the courts." Plain English: "You'll see Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa on a beach sharing a margarita before you see the complaint files on those cops." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 3rd place: "A St. Louis couple who gained national notoriety for brandishing guns at peaceful protesters last year and pleaded guilty to firearm charges have been pardoned by Missouri Gov. Mike Parson." PE: "White votes matter." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the jaunty conical hat: George F. Will: "Equal opportunity is an aspiration forever imperfectly realized. But the steady pursuit of it is as noble as today's progressive abandonment of this aspiration in favor of 'equity' is ignoble." PE: Pursuit of equal opportunity: noble. Having equal opportunity: ignoble. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Spelman College's study-abroad program has pivoted to "a systematic internationalization of the curriculum that infuses virtual exchange opportunities." PE: You can study a broad section of your Zoom screen. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Poor and simple: Honorable mentions Gov. Andrew Cuomo talking about his 2019 harassment law: "Let's honor the women who have had the courage to come forward and tell their story." PE: "Well, not ALL the women." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) As covid cases rise — again — doctors in D.C. area are "holding their breath." PE: As covid cases rise — again — doctors in D.C. area are holding their breath. (Seth Tucker, Washington) "Among other things, many ignored the reality that millions of African Americans were quite pleased with the decidedly sublunary consolations of equal protection under the law." PE: "I like using decidedly fancy words." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) "I think there's a misperception of robots taking jobs away from people. Robots are tools. Throughout time, tools have increased the productivity of people." PE: "My new boss, who is both a robot and a tool, has asked me to give a short statement on my last day at work." (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) Pinder . . . draws on fundamental and quantitative research and used a proprietary algorithm for predicting dividend revisions. PE: Pinder also crosses his fingers and wishes on his birthday candles. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) NBC's announcers, to be fair, have been respectful of the Australians, Russians and other out-of-towners who have bested the Americans in some of the main events. PE: And also happy to have U.S. athletes sling doping allegations against them. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Rarely are video games as wholly bent on creating a feeling of serenity as "Mythic Ocean." PE: BORRRRRING. (Steve Brevig, Springfield, Va.) "You can shovel gobs of information into his brain, and he can analyze it and spit it out in a useful and comprehensive manner." PE: "Ha-ha, see how my "compliment" makes the guy seem totally repulsive?" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) "At [Marlboro maker] Altria, we're focused on moving beyond smoking and our 2030 Vision to responsibly lead the transition of adult smokers to noncombustible products." PE: "We're focused on offering only the most modern addictions." (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) Sen. Mitch McConnell: "I think this is awfully important that we continue to push to get more Americans vaccinated." PE: "We need somebody left to vote for us." (Karen Golden, Prince Frederick, Md.) Newly traded Max Scherzer: "It is what it is." PE: "This sucks." (Mark Raffman; Ira Allen) Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis: "We can either have a free society or we can have a biomedical security state, and I can tell you, Florida, we're a free state." PE: Give me liberty AND give me death! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Sarah Palin on the possibility of running for the Senate: "If God wants me to do it I will." PE: "If Trump wants me to do it I will."(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) "It's an existential feeling. I don't know how to put it. What is love? It's kind of that same thing. I'm meant to be here. All I know is that." PE: "Whoa, that was some pretty good weed." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) "Since the start of the pandemic, China has sealed off entire cities and tightly controlled borders to keep infection rates down." PE: "Since the start of the pandemic, China has sealed off entire cities and tightly controlled borders to keep infection reports down." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Shower renovation ad: "Don't believe we can do it in as little as a day?" PE: "Good thing." (Kevin Dopart) NASA: "We're trying to partner public and private partnership with commercial industry to head back to the moon, and we're very excited about that." PE: Yo, Elon! Jeff! Richard! Want to take a moonwalk? (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Russian statement: "Due to a short-term software failure, a direct command was mistakenly implemented to turn on the module's engines for withdrawal, which led to some modification of the orientation of the complex as a whole." PE: "That 'rocket scientist' Ivan clicked on 'Rotate View' again." (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) "Wisconsin is better than this." PE: "I wish Wisconsin were better than this." (Mark Raffman) Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo.): "This is the country that gave working people the right to vote. This is the country that freed the slaves." PE: "Even though for much of our history we denied most people the vote and enslaved millions of people, hey, we stopped because the South lost the war — we're just freakin' saints!" (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.) "Moderation in supplier deliveries and prices paid indicate bottlenecks are alleviating, but both remain high enough to indicate supply-side problems persist." PE: "My pizza arrived in 30 minutes, but it was cold." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Wine review: "There is often astringency that borders on a little too much rusticity "¦" PE: "If you like turpentine, you'll love this wine." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Maureen Dowd: "Suddenly the party that loved to rah-rah for family, morals and religion was in the grip of a thrice-married, grabby, foul-mouthed Tartuffe." PE: "I know Molière and you'll have to Google him." (Jon Ketzner) Gov. Andrew Cuomo: "I know too well the manifestations of sexual assault trauma and the damage that it can do in the aftermath." PE: "As you can see by my resignation." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Tex.): "If politicians in Congress can demand and ultimately make public the president's private tax returns, what stops them from doing the same to others they view as a political enemy?" PE: "Oh, God, I'm next!" (Neal Starkman, Seattle) The Washington Post Fact Checker found no evidence to support DeSantis's claim that Biden's immigration policies are to blame for the surge. PE: We checked again. There's still no Florida-Mexico border. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Florida Gov. DeSantis: "I think it's very important we say, unequivocally, 'No to lockdowns, no to school closures, no to restrictions, no to mandates." PE: "I think it's very important we say, unequivocally, 'YES' to the base." (Drew Bennett) And Last: Horoscope: To focus on your favorite interest to the exclusion of all else isn't exactly healthy. PE: Really, you don't have to send in 25 entries every single week! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala., who has entered virtually every week since 2006) And Even Laster: "Here's a contest that we haven't done in years, but — as you can see from the examples above — is as timely (and timeless) as ever." PE: "The Empress is out of fresh ideas again." (Jeff Contompasis; John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland; and John F. Cissel, Potomac, Md., who last got ink in 1994) ====================================================================== WEEK 1452, published September 5, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1452: As the word turns "Discover" new words by snaking around the grid. Plus winning limericks.(Grid generated at Puzzle-Maker.com) By Pat Myers September 2, 2021 at 10:19 a.m. EDT 0 (Click here to skip down to the winning "he-" limericks) Starting at P-10: DEMATING: Breaking up. "He gave me the ol' demating call last night." Q-6: WIDDLE: What dat toot kitty cat is. E-19: PIDDLEAK: What you get when the Huggies don't hug enough. It's the sixth of our contests in which we provide a word search grid, generated by the Empress with the help of the nifty app at Puzzle-Maker.com, and ask you to snake through it to "discover" a word or multi­word term that consists of adjacent letters — in any direction or several directions, up, down, back, forth, diagonally — in the grid above, and provide a humorous definition, as in the examples above. Don't trace back over the same letters. You can either make up a new word, as above, or give a creative definition for an existing one. Using the word in a funny sentence can help you get the ink over someone else who "found" the same term. How to format your entries so that the Empress doesn't get all scowly: Begin each entry with the coordinates of the first letter of your term (e.g., C-­12) as in the second and third examples above; the E will trace it from there. First the letter, then a hyphen, then the number. And pleeeez put your coordinates, word and definition all on the same line — don't hit Enter between them — or they'll become separated in The Big Sort of thousands of entries. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1452 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 13; results appear Oct. 3 in print, Sept. 30 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Ruff-Grip, a little ribbed plastic gadget that you squeeze your fingertips into in an attempt to build up calluses so you can play the guitar without slicing your digits. Loser Sam Mertens received a big box of these from Amazon, when he'd actually ordered a shipment of mealworms to feed his chickens. (Think how the Ruff-Grip orderers felt when they presumably got Sam's box.) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "He-Haws" was suggested by both Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1452. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . He-haws: Limerixicon winners from Week 1448 Week 1448 was our 18th annual Limerixicon, in which we provide some material for OEDILF.com, the slowly forming dictionary in which the entry for each word is one or more limericks. This year we did limericks that feature words and names beginning "he-." 4th place: Some people are sneerin' and scoffin' At jabs like some anti-vax Waffen. But they'd better take heed, Get those shots that they need, Or they're risking a bad fit of coffin. (Ward Foeller, Charlottesville, Va.) 3rd place: Henry Winkler was hoping to play Old King Lear, perhaps Hamlet, one day, But when "Happy Days" called, His dramatic plans stalled, And he went for a role in the heyyyy. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the dog-butt push pins: There once was a powerful rooster Who posed as a feminist booster Till hen after hen Decreed, "Never again!" And revealed how that rooster had goosed her. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y., about her former governor) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: A rumor is also called hearsay; It's what gossipy people, I fear, say. And it might not be true — Only something that you (After three or four bottles of beer) say. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Slimmer 'ricks: Honorable mentions "Bigger government"? Part of the lexicon. It's the altar the taxpayer's neck's upon. Someday soon, we may see An enhanced DoD In its new, upsized building: the Hexagon. (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) Junk food makers who want to get wealthy Need not lie, but they need to be stealthy: "We've no gluten, you know! And we're non-GMO!" Bada-bing, now your ice cream is healthy! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) "Acrophobia," said my friend Paul, "Fear of heights, and the chance I may fall, Has me going half-mad — Things have gotten so bad, I dislike even being this tall!" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The Harley-packed herd that converges Each summer in Sturgis brings surges Of bikers and boozing. Now again they are choosing A fall filled with funeral dirges. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) When my herbivore girlfriend repeats How she loves all her vegan-ish treats I just cut up my steak And say, "Give me a break — Girl, a salad's what my dinner eats!" (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Another one about Andrew Cuomo: Our heartthrob spoke truth to D.T., And we swooned as he sought PPE. "Presidential!" we sighed. What a turn of the tide! Just one more grabby creep on TV. (Robin Rowland, Potomac, Md., a First Offender) That old rapper's demented now, maybe? Teamed up with his no-good pal Abie, Robbed a store — did it twice: Stole vanilla, then ice. Wrote a tune for the job: "Heist Heist Baby." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) So your sappy stuff sells, but you're hitchin' Your wagon to Real Art? Well, switchin' Your focus might fire Your customers' ire: If you can't stand that heat, leave the kitsch in. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) From the Hill we hear gibing and jeering, All civility fast disappearing. Are the rioters back? Are we under attack? No, it's just a congressional hearing. (George Thompson) The lumberjacks train the new guy To fell trees more than 20 feet high: As you chop, hear it crack, Shout "Tim-ber!" Step back. You could say it's a great hew and cry. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) I drive hearses. I might make a trip To a gravesite, a church or a ship With a coffin in back. It's like driving a hack, But the guys in the back never tip. (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) Two Aussies with good looks galore Seem — next to their brother — quite poor. But their surname is Hemsworth And each one of them's worth Enough that they say, "We're not thore." (Coleman Glenn) Prince Harry sees thrones as mere chairs. His birthright? He chuckles, "Who cares?" He flew sea to sea To be royalty-free. Now that's what you call splitting heirs. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) Our champions entered the fray Making fast food for us at low pay. While the lockdown endured They bravely ensured There were deli shop heroes each day. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A man owned a yacht, quite a fair ship. But his children thought it should be their ship. So they shouted, "At last!" When their rich father passed, And they eagerly boarded their heirship. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) The sins of my youth I repent; I Rue all the time I misspent! I Now have just scorn For Japan's cartoon porn, So I've tossed my collection of hentai. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) A Woke-Up Call Heresy! (Shouted with hate.) Silence! There's no more debate! We've canceled free speech! Just accept what we teach In our all-perfect one-party state! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) I know as a sprinter, you're fleet, And you like sending fans a good tweet, And, yes, you're a star — But it's going too far To be taking those selfies mid-heat. (Paul VerNooy) This coin is so lucky—what fun! Its success rate is second to none. Always flips what I choose— I have still yet to lose! (I guess two heads are better than one.) (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Small-craft sailing was meant to be fun But I'm banging the door: "Are you done?!" When the waves make me ooze And there's no time to lose, Know that two heads are better than one. (Kevin Dopart) It's balloons for the children, en masse, Now Cassandra turns 3, little lass, But with helium leaking There's lots of high squeaking. This party for Cass is a gas! (Cornelia Davies, Kingsbridge, England, a First Offender) In Dublin's fair city, I've heard, A population explosion's occurred. One cause of this grief Is the Church's belief That about birth control, mum's the word! (Bob Turvey, Bristol, England) Our planet is changing, I fear: Too much carbon is warming this sphere. If we don't quickly act It will soon be a fact That hell will be cooler than here! (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.) "That's a hernia, there's not a doubt," Said the nurse, with a bit of a pout, "And the surgeons aren't here, So, until they appear, You are welcome to stay and hang out." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) William Herschel was thought to be smart; He discovered Uranus, to start. But he struggled a bit In distinguishing it From Urelbow, to tell them apart. (Brendan Beary) He was everything she could desire, Till his perfidy filled her with ire. Her revenge, it is said, Was his headstone, which read: "Here lieth the ultimate liar." (Beverley Sharp) Byron claims that your ladies "hen-peck'd you all." You'll find, though, when Death shall collect you all At the end of your lives, That it wasn't your wives, But the smoking and drinking that wrecked you all. (Brian Allgar, Paris) A Hebrew hermaphrodite knew What the rabbi, one time, had to do. He had said, "Given this, We will start with a bris And, in time, have a bat mitzvah, too." (Louise Dodenhoff Hauser, Sarasota, Fla.) "Your heart is still beating, and so Your blood will continue to flow," My doctor said; "yet At your age I bet There are places it simply won't go." (Robert Schechter, Dix (yup) Hills, N.Y.) I couldn't keep pace, as a man, With the two girls I met down in Cannes. They were sexy and kinky But I'm from Helsinki: I was Finnish before we began. (Craig Dykstra) And Last: The Empress is oft put to sleep By the entries she reads. Some she'll keep For the column to fill, But the bulk of them will Wind up tossed in a losery heap. (Jesse Frankovich) Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 6: our contest for "bad first drafts" of famous lines. See wapo.st/invite1451. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1453, published September 12, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1453: Haven't read it — write a misleading book subtitle Plus 'Eminemily Dickinson' and other winning portmanteau names Coming soon: Our latest pair of magnets for honorable mentions. Bob Staake has been making them since 2003. Coming soon: Our latest pair of magnets for honorable mentions. Bob Staake has been making them since 2003. (Magnets designed by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers September 9, 2021 at 10:09 a.m. EDT 0(Click here to skip down to the inking portmanteau names) One Hundred Years of Solitude Wrong subtitle: The Covid Hoax Continues The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe Spice Up Your Love Life With Costumes Small Vices The Best Tools for Making Doll House Furniture This week's contest was suggested by 292-time Loser Jon Gearhart, who couldn't sleep and so thought up this contest along with about 20 examples: Choose any book title listed on Amazon and misinterpret it by adding a subtitle, as in Jon's examples above; famous titles, or ones whose real subjects are obvious, might work best for this contest. [All together now: Amazon founder Jeff Bezos owns The Washington Post.] We suggest you just make them glow outside your body. This week's second prize. We suggest you just make them glow outside your body. This week's second prize. (Newport Jerky Co.) ANNOUNCING THE 2021-22 LOSER MAGNETS! Each year since 2003, Our Art Guy Bob Staake has created a pair of magnets for the Invite's honorable mentions. They may be the size of a business card, but you can also think of them as limited-edition (500 each) Staake prints. The ideas were inking entries in our 2015 contest for magnet slogans; "A Small Jester of Appreciation" is by Elizabeth Molyé; Nancy Della Rovere had suggested "No Cigar," and Bob turned it into an homage to Magritte's painting "This Is Not a Pipe." Elizabeth and Nancy each win a magnet, six years later. For this week's contest: Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1453 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 20; results appear Oct. 10 in print, Oct. 7 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of three genuine dried "naturally glowing edible scorpions" — along with a black-light flashlight that's supposed to create that natural glow. Edible? Well, that's what the package says. It also says, "Amaze your friends." We suggest not edding them. Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get either one of the new lusted-after Loser magnets or the current "No 'Bility" or "Punderachiever." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Look Both Ways" is by Beverley Sharp; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1453. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Look both ways: Before-and-after names from Week 1449 In Week 1449 the Empress put up a "Before and After"-type wordplay contest in which you start with a name and append another name, word or phrase (sometimes bending the spelling along the way). 4th place: Dwayne Johnson's Wax: Quite impressive when buffed. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 3rd place: Roald Dolly Parton: Beloved author of "James and the Giant Melons." (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) 2nd place and the 'Scream' lapel pin: F. Scott FitzGerald Ford: "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the . . . oops, man overboard!" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Giannis Antetokounm-Poe: Once upon a playoff mission, 2021 edition, After sitting out two games (his knee was feeling really sore) — Wearing Nike sneakers squeaky, showing off his talents freaky, Six-eleven, strong and Greek, he made amazing moves to score. Named the Finals MVP, the finest player on the floor: Giannis, Number 34. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) ImPAIRed: Honorable mentions James Madison Cawthorn: "Knowledge will forever govern ignorance . . . well, until now." (Mark Raffman) Lin-Manuel Miranda Warning: (to "You'll Be Back" from "Hamilton") You'll shut up! Close your mouth, Sass the cops and it could all go south. You'll shut up — do not talk. There's a chance that they could let you walk. Motions rise, DAs fall; You'll remain impassive through it all, And when you need support, They will send a public (free!) defender to stand up for you in court! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Dalai Lamazon: Offers enlightenment and wisdom in two days, guaranteed. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Dan Snydermatitis: A rash in which the patient's skin turns . . . uh . . . rashlike. Also caused by abnormally thin skin. (Frank Mann, Washington) Eminemmanuel Macron: "Yella vesta protesta / Be a pest 'n' I'm gonna arrest ya!" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Eminemily Dickinson: "Hope is the @#$&* thing with feathers." (Mark Raffman) LeBron James Joyce: Working on "Finnegans Wake 2: Space Jammier." (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Lyndon B. Johnson & Johnson: "One and done." (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Madame Curious George: A radioactive monkey escapes into the arms of a man in a yellow haz-mat suit. (Laurie Morrison, Rockville, Md.; Josh Feldblyum, Springfield, Pa.) Marlon Brandonald Trump: "Steallllla!" (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) Lewis Carroll of the Bells: "Hark how the bells go dongleding And with a swilvy twankling say, 'Let all your cares go flarrowing This frabjous Christmas Day!' " (Coleman Glenn) Mister Ed Sheeran: Singing horse who wrote the hit single "Shape of U," about his favorite shoe. (Jesse Frankovich) Ogden Nash Equilibrium: "Game theory / Makes me weory." (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) RuPaul Bunyan: He's a lumberjack and he's okay. (Edward Gordon, Austin) Won't You Be My NeighBoris Johnson: A man leaves his community in a huff, then hangs out next door spreading a virus. (Kevin Dopart, sojourning in Naxos, Greece) Andrew CuoMotown: "I Heard It Through the Gropevine." (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Cuomodo dragon: A nearly extinct lizard that makes a lot of noise and whose touch is repellent. (Henry J. Aaron, Washington, a First Offender) Archduke Ferdinand the Bull: His assassination led to the Wars of the Roses, Lilies, Gardenias and Hyacinths. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Bonoprah Winfrey: "You get a car! You get a car! U2 get a car!" (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Captain Morgantivaxxer: "Avast conspiracy!" (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Clint Eastwoodsy Owl: "Give a hoot — don't pollute — or I'll shoot." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) CriscOsteen: Truly inspired by the Lard. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) Dirty Harry Belafonte: "Go ahead. Make my day-o, day-ay-o!" (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Dustin Hoffmanifest Destiny: "Mrs. Robinson, it is both justified and inevitable that you will seduce me." (Sara Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Kim KardashIan Fleming: Author of "For Your Eyes Only, Except for Everyone Else Who Saw the Sex Tape" (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) Lauren Boebert Lahr: A cowardly lyin' congresswoman. (Chris Doyle) Mae Westmoreland: Led our troops astray in Vietnam. (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) George R.R. Martin Luther: He was actually going to write 250 theses. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) George Washington Football Team: First in . . . no, uh . . . hmm . . . never mind. (Mark Turco, McLean, Va.) Jos. A. Banksy: He surreptitiously painted the side of a building in a jaunty argyle pattern. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Kamala Harrison Ford: Star of the movie "Air Force Two," where she foils the terrorists with a bucket of warm spit. (Kevin Dopart) Meryl Streeptease: Starred in "The Devil Wears Nada." (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) Scooby-Doobie Brothers: "Ruh-roooh, risten to the rusic!" (Coleman Glenn) Stephen Breyers Ice Cream: The manufacturer can't seem to understand when this should go on the shelf. (Duncan Stevens) Benjamin FrankLin-Manuel Miranda: Creator and star of the electrifying sequel to Hamilton: "Hey yo, I'm just like my city: I'm lewd, well fed and witty; Now this kite's gonna convey my shock!" (Coleman Glenn) Clerihew Hefner: The man known as Hef For modest living got an F But the bunnies in his clutch At least got a solid gold hutch. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) Sharon Stonehenge: A monument to basically framed, yet instinctually inviting open spaces. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Sir Lancelothario: "Came-a-lot!" (Jeff Shirley) Gov. Greg AbButt-Head: He and Top Florida Man Ron DeBeavis continue to make trouble in schools. Heh-heh. (Kevin Dopart) Michael J. Fox News: "We've got to get back to 1955!" (Jesse Rifkin; Jesse Frankovich) And Last: Pat Myers-Briggs Type Indicator: No matter how you take the test, you lose. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 13: Our contest to find new words in a word search grid. See wapo.st/invite1452. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1454, published September 19, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1454: Punku 3 — haiku with a pun, duh Plus winning looks at how space aliens/ future archaeologists would see us(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers September 16, 2021 at 8:53 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning looks as how future archaeologists would see us) The #MeToo movement Has had it up to here with Male pattin' boldness. (Chris Doyle, Punku 2, 2019) For those for whom limericks are too long-form, the Empress brings you the third installment of our Loserly version of haiku: This week: Create a haiku containing a pun or similar wordplay, as in the Week 1317 runner-up above, one of the few inking entries that week that weren't (alas) out of date. You may add a title if you like. "ƒ"ƒBy "haiku" we mean — "ƒ"ƒ Purists, please chill a minute — "ƒ"ƒ Just 5-7-5. (As in syllables per line.) Thumb thing special for this week's second prize. Thumb thing special for this week's second prize. (PearlRiverMart.com) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1454 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 27; results appear Oct. 17 in print, Oct. 14 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, in yet more "homage" to an ancient and revered Japanese tradition, Thumb Sumo, a pair of rubber fat guys whom you fit over your fingertips and who give a new meaning to "thumb wrestling." You don't even have to feed them 7,000 calories a day. Complete with a mini-book about sumo and its culture. Donated by Dave Prevar. ADVERTISING Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "What on Earth?" was submitted by both Roy Ashley and Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's online column, published Thursdays, will return next week. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . What on Earth? Views from space aliens in Week 1450 In Week 1450 the Empress asked for observations by either visiting space aliens or anthropologists from the future. Numerous Losers reported the humanoid slaves of cats or dogs, not to mention the little rectangle-idols the Earthlings hold in their hands at all times. 4th place: Oddly, many of the largest human dwellings had fewer occupants than the smaller ones. Perhaps this is because their inhabitants lacked the proximity that leads to mating. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) 3rd place: Humans are incredibly fast readers. In seconds, they absorb pages of incomprehensible technical data and legal disclaimers before declaring, "I accept the terms and conditions." (Frank Mann, Washington) 2nd place and the bendy Bigfoot figure: The most powerful figure in their society is the Dentist, who is so revered that when she makes a patient bleed, the patient apologizes to her. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Once a year every human must recommit to the familial cult by lighting a cake on fire while clan members chant a mournful dirge. (Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md.) Lose encounters: Honorable mentions Humans waste irrational amounts of energy disparaging groups of strangers from cities they know nothing about who get paid to hit spheres with wooden clubs when they could be disparaging the Yankees. (Coleman Glenn) In addition to the small containers we have identified as "jewelry boxes," many homes featured large boxes on floors. The adornments inside, displayed on sand, must have once been beautiful and highly prized; Sadly, they have now deteriorated into randomly shaped brown lumps. (Robin Rowland, Potomac, Md.) In American culture, references to excrement are taboo unless they also include a smiley face. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) The inhabitants' language, English, probably died out because of excessive complexity: for example, the terms "antihistamine," "antipasto," "Antietam" and "Auntie Em" had nothing to do with each other. (Kristin Braly, Baltimore) These humans go about having the most awful thoughts — I'm embarrassed even to hear them. I can't believe how few of them know about tinfoil caps! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.; Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) While excavating some 21st-century female graves, our archaeologists uncovered a curious practice of burying the deceased with two plastic bags of salt water. (Frank Mann) As an act of supplication to the gods of safe travel, airline passengers visit a small shrine within the communal building and, upon making an appropriate donation, are presented with a religious tome labeled "John Grisham." (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) As they place themselves before their computing devices, humans type brief prayers for success. Translators still have not discerned their meanings, but they appear to address deities whose symbols include at least one capital letter, at least one number and at least one symbol such as !@#$%^&*. (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) According to video evidence, pizza deliveryman was apparently once a high-status occupation that made males instantly desirable to females. (Terri Berg Smith) Presumably because so many humans are unpleasant and disliked by others in the clan, they have taken to partly covering their faces in an attempt at disguise. When undisguised individuals appear and are recognized, disputes often ensue. (Robin Rowland) Every 10 years, a government agency sends representatives to every house in the country to determine whether its doorbells work. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) As they travel about in their wheeled vehicles, humans often greet other drivers with loud bursts of sound. These drivers respond with similar bursts, or a friendly extension of the third digit. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Dark gray transports with a stylized phallic symbol pointing to the letters "PRIME" can be seen going up and down streets daily. They seem to be delivering life-sustaining objects so that humans do not have to leave their pods. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Early 21st-century humans raced to develop artificial intelligence, apparently eager for the security that eventually would come from living under their robot masters. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) Employees of milk carton factories lose a disproportionate number of children. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Even into the 21st century, the residents of the city where the U.S. Congress met did not have voting representatives in that body; from this, we infer the preeminently high value accorded to irony. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) Every four years, the civilization holds a ritual contest in which the winner, or sometimes inexplicably the loser, becomes "President," which apparently means "Most Hated Person in America." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Every human is tired. Every human enjoys complaining about this fact unless someone else has suggested that the human seems tired, in which case the human enjoys denying it. (Coleman Glenn) Few artifacts from that era remain except for billions of narrow tubes that archaeologists have determined were used for siphoning liquid from drinking vessels. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) Humans are forbidden to drive past a herd of bovines without trying to communicate with them. (Kevin Dopart, sojourning in Naxos, Greece) Humans and cats apparently lived together peacefully, before felines evolved thumbs. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) I saw two Earthlings cleaning each other in the park, but only around the mouth, neck and ears. The rest of their bodies appears to be self-cleaning, as each of them was secreting a liquid through the skin pores — especially the big, hairy one. (Jon Gearhart) Office workers wear short lengths of cloth trailing from their necks as a sort of leash to be yanked by in case their boss needs them. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) On pilgrimage to the southern and western parts of their country, disciples of giant rodents promenade wearing artificial ears in tribute to cult leaders. (Jeff Rackow, on a work assignment in Abidjan, Ivory Coast) On the open road, speed limit signs appear to correlate to the speed of the slowest vehicles. In busy areas, speed limit signs correlate to nothing in particular. Conclusion: more funding is needed to study this phenomenon. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Baristas, indigenous pharmacologists who would distribute coffee bean stimulants mixed with lactate extract, facilitated "blogs" (bean-induced logs?) throughout worldwide networks after the humans overdosed on the lactated stimulants. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) Given the lack of concordance of this group with the basic tenets of Christianity, we believe that the "t" around their necks stood for "Trump." (Daniel Galef) Males devoted countless, typically late-night hours studying short films concerning the reproductive techniques of physically imposing peers. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Many police officers of the 2020s are fully robotic, but must constantly charge their batteries by sitting in their cars all day with the engines running. (Frank Mann) Some humans play an electronic game called "Spelling Bee" and we are using it to learn their language. We wanna go down to the llano to see if they practice homogamy, but dunno how to get there. (William Joyner, Crozet, Va.) We have finally discovered one thing the Earthlings have in common with us: Their richest inhabitants go into space to glorify themselves. — Zbulgar's Assistant Flunky (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) And Last: In one of the time capsules were newsprint collections of jokes (?), seemingly to appease a minor goddess of some sort to win worthless junk. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 20: Our contest to misinterpret a book title. See wapo.st/invite1453. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1455, published September 26, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1455: Good idea! Or not. Make a wee change from one to the other. Plus bad first drafts of famous quotes.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers September 23, 2021 at 10:04 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning bad first drafts of famous quotes) Good idea: Wiping out poison ivy. Bad idea: Wiping with poison ivy. (David Patch, 2014) Good idea: Reply to all sensitive emails. Bad idea: Reply All to sensitive emails. (Eric Yttri, 2014) Good idea: Wash hands after using toilet. Bad idea: Wash hands using toilet. (Jay Snyder, 1995) We've run this contest only twice before in The Style Invitational's 28-plus years: The Czar ran it in 1995, and the Empress offered it again in 2014. Let's give it another go: Cite a "good idea" and, with a small change of wording, a "bad idea," as in the examples above. Ever-obliging Royal Consort Mark Holt with this week's second prize on his head. Ever-obliging Royal Consort Mark Holt with this week's second prize on his head. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) Important formatting note! Please write both halves of your entry — the good idea and the bad idea — on the same line, not as it's shown above. This will let the Empress shuffle up everyone's entries so she'll have no idea who wrote what. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1455 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Oct. 4; results appear Oct. 24 in print, Oct. 21 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a hat in the colors of the Belgian flag, promoting the native Primus beer and sporting two giant fingers sticking up, three sticking down. One has Velcro. Wha? Donor Dan Huff knows only that a friend brought it back from Europe. After considerable research, our best guess comes from Loser Laura Clairmont in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook: The Belgian soccer team is the Red Devils, and the hat resembles the French Sign Language word for devil horns. But still, why the ring finger? Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Prewrites" was submitted by both Tom Witte and Kevin Dopart; Tom and Chris Doyle both came up with the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. ADVERTISING The Style Conversational: This week the Empress's weekly column shares ink from the previous good-idea/bad-idea contests, plus highlights of the Losers' Flushies awards/parody-fest last Sunday. See wapo.st/conv1455. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Prewrites: Winning 'first drafts' of famous quotes In Week 1451 the Empress asked for "first drafts" of famous quotes, and promptly got 2,200 of them. So it wasn't surprising that lotsa losers suggested something like "Call me Ishy" and had Samuel L. Jackson opine that "I've had it with these pesky snakes on this darned plane!" 4th place: "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some jelly beans and a Yoo-Hoo." — Hannibal Lecter (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 3rd place: "I grow old . . . I grow old . . . I shall wear the tops of my trousers at the level of my nipples." — T.S. Eliot (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 2nd place and the 'Best Excuses and Lies' cards: "Because I could not stop for dea . . ." — Emily Dickinson (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: "Torpedoes?? Damn." — Adm. David Farragut (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) Late-round draft picks: Honorable mentions "Two all-beef patties, some ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) "A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits. Oh, and because of the whole Watergate thingy, I quit." — Richard Nixon (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) "A woman is like a tea bag: hot for a short time, then lumpy and soggy." — Eleanor Roosevelt (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way: I'll try to explain in the next 800 pages." — Tolstoy (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) "And you, my pink-eyed girl . . ." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) "Elementary, Watson, you stupid quack!" — Sherlock Holmes (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) "Et tu, bruh?" (Marni Penning Coleman) "Fourscore and seven years ago — raise your hand if you know how many that is — our fathers . . ." (Mark Raffman) "Fourscore and seven years four months fourteen days nineteen hours and [checks watch] about seventeen minutes ago . . ." (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) "El ex ex ex vee eye eye years ago . . ." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) "Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers, well, our fathers weren't born yet, but metaphorically speaking . . ." (Emma Daley, Greenfield, Mass.) "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall . . . oh, I'd give it about 160 years." (Noah Meyerson, Washington) "Here's my wish list." — MLK (Frank Mann, Washington) "I see dead people. Like you! Because you're dead, see." — Cole Sear, "The Sixth Sense" (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) "If you think the cops cheat, put him back on the street!" — Johnnie Cochran (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) "It ain't over till the trailing team hits or runs into the third out of the ninth or subsequent inning." — Yogi Berra (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) "Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're going to get, which is why I turn each one over while no one's looking and dig a little hole in the bottom to check." (Francesca Kelly, Highland Park, Ill.) "Mama always said life is like a filthy restroom: You never know what you're going to get." (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.) "No, but it wasn't a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you — and you were there. Not you, though." — Dorothy Gale (Eric Nelkin) "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, mine has the best sliders." (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) "One of the happiest places in Anaheim." (Coleman Glenn) "Stella DuBois Kowalski! Stella DuBois Kowalski!" (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.) "Technically speaking, I am not a crook." — Richard Nixon (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) "My name's Bond. Bond comma James. That's how it's printed on my payroll slips at MI6, you know, where I work as a spy. Oops." (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself — and to a lesser degree, trepidation." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) "The only thing we have to fear is a collapsing bank system, plus huge unemployment, dust all over the Great Plains, and some nut in Germany." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) "The unexamined life is, well, who knows? No one has ever examined it." — Socrates (Frank Mann) "Toto, I've a feeling we're not in black-and-white anymore." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) "Wastin' away again in Gin & Tonic-ville . . ." (Craig Dykstra) "When they go low, we go, 'I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that.'" — Michelle Obama (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) "A penny saved is, at 2 percent interest, 2 pennies after 35 years, before adjusting for inflation." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) "Now the chipmunk was more subtle than any other wild creature that the Lord God had made." (Bill Collinge, Gettysburg, Pa.) "I beg your pardon, Adrian, will you kindly look my way? It is I, Rocky Balboa." (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) "In the beginning was the word, and the word was 'aardvark.'"Š" (Steve Bremner, Philadelphia) "I just want to say one word to you: polytetrafluoroethylene." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. You'll be hearing from my attorney." (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.) "The first rule of Fight Club is to please refrain from discussing our meetings with nonmembers." (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria) "The first rule of Fight Club is newest member brings the doughnuts." (Duncan Stevens) "That concludes our scheduled activities for this program." — Looney Tunes (Roy Ashley, Washington) "You say So-LAY-num lycopersicum and I say So-LAH-num lycopersi-cum . . ." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) And Last: "Democracy dies if you don't read The Washington Post, so subscribe today!" (John Klayman, Fairfax, Va.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 28: Our contest for haiku containing puns. See wapo.st/invite1454. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1456, published October 3, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1456: The hunting of the snark Write an 'Is that your ____, or ____?' insult. Plus neologisms 'found' in a word find puzzle.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers September 30, 2021 at 9:59 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning word-search neologisms) Is that your nose, or are you just happy to smell me? (Paul Kocak) Is that your car, or is today the day you leave the recycling at the curb? (David Kleinbard) Is that your wedding dress, or did you decide to wear the garment bag instead? (Sandra Hull) We've been meaning to ask — or we're meanly asking. This week: Ask an insulting rhetorical question in the form (or a variation) of "Is that your ____ or ____?" as in the examples above, all inking entries from Week 414 back in 2001. (We seem not to have redone this contest in the past 20 years.) The computer-generated word search grid used in Week 1452. The computer-generated word search grid used in Week 1452. (Grid generated at Puzzle-Maker.com) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1456 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Oct. 11; results appear Oct. 31 in print, Oct. 28 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a downright weird but presumably authentic mug commemorating the FBI-NYPD Joint Terrorism Task Force and featuring a crudely drawn cartoon of an evilly grinning Dracula-ish monster (or mabye a Joker in Gotham?) who's aiming a handgun in one hand and holding a lighted fuse in the other. On the back it says "Taking Care of Business." Donated by Loser Howard Walderman and I don't want to know how he got it. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Ha and Seek" is by Jesse Frankovich; both Jon Gearhart and Chris Doyle submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. Hey, terrorists, don't drink from this mug! Hey, terrorists, don't drink from this mug! The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Sept. 30, at wapo.st/conv1456. A new "You're Invited" podcast episode! In Season 2, Episode 4, host Mike Gips features songs and more from the Flushies, the Losers' recent annual awards bash. See bit.ly/invite-podcast or most podcast apps. ADVERTISING And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Ha and seek: Winning word-search neologisms In Week 1452 the Empress once again presented the computer-generated word search grid below — again, alas, it was laden with an unholy number of Q's and Z's — and invited the Loser Community to start with any letter, then snake around it in all directions, Boggle-style, to "discover" a new term. The E wishes to thank Loser Todd DeLap, who developed and ran a validating program that flagged any entries on her shortlist that skipped a letter or doubled back on the same ones. For his efforts, Todd gets no ink but, FWIW, her gratitude. 4th place: Starting at H-14, then to G-14, H-13, G-12, F-11, G-11: NO-DOPE: The person who abstains long enough before the drug test. (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.) 3rd place: From A-11: MR TELLMA: The little brother everyone hates. (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.) 2nd place and the finger-callus creator: From G-13: ADOREMAT: What you risk becoming if you enter a relationship with a dreamy jerk. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: From F-14: OM-ZAP: A meditation-induced inspiration. In full lotus, Ellen suddenly experienced an om-zap: "What if I created a dog fitness program called Labs of Steel"? (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) Off the B-10 path: Honorable mentions A-13: REVOLTEDER: Many Democrats, if The Orange One runs in 2024. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) A-13: REVOTER: Scary boogeyman GOP operatives tell their kids about at night. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) B-13: VOLDEMELT: The least popular sandwich at the Hogwarts cafeteria. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) B-2: CALUTOPIA: The Golden State but without wildfires, earthquakes or Kardashians. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) B-4: VULCANT: Mr. Spock's cousin who couldn't even do the finger thing. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) B-6: VAX RX: What we really need: a vaccine against vaccine hesitancy. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) B-7: XGRQX: Elon Musk's next baby. "The gender-reveal party for XGRQX featured a cake in the shape of a hyperloop." (Leif Picoult) D-13: TEMPLETOG: A yarmulke or tallit. "Though he wouldn't call himself observant, Josh would put on the templetogs once a year at Yom Kippur services." (Stuart Rogers, Toronto) C-11: TOTALLALY: You know, like, when something is, like, totally total. (Bill Gage, Nellysford, Va.) C-4: QTOPIA: America's return to greatness when President Trump is reinstated on March 4 Aug. 13 sometime this fall. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) C-9: WRYME: An Ogden Nash poem. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) D-10: LIPLOAD: A lot of sass. "Don't you give me that lipload, young lady!" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) D-11: E-I-E-I-OWE: Old MacDonald had a mortgage. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) D-15: ABERANT: What Dixie newspapers called the Gettysburg Address. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) D-16: CABOODLE: Half poodle, half mutt. (Andrew Elby, Arlington, Va.) D-2: CACA-LURE: "Tonight on Fox News . . ." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) E-12: MAT LIE: By "Welcome," we don't mean you and your pamphlet. (Lawrence McGuire) E-12: MEATEOR: The chili dog that streaks through in the middle of the night. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) E-18: NIXT: To break up with someone over text. "I don't know which is worse, nixting or ghosting. But at least with nixting, if he says something mean you can send a screen shot to his mom." (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) E-8: WOOKER: One of Chewbacca's especially attractive cousins. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) E-8: WUMMER: The season when it hits 78 in New York in February. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) F-13: REBRA: Dolly Parton's industrial- strength underwire. (Chris Doyle) G-15: ZOOMBEER: Beverage consumed from a ceramic mug with a fake tea bag tag sticking out. (Craig Dykstra) H-8: QUAALOG: Bill Cosby's dating journal. (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) I-10: EGOPUTZ: A hopeless loser. "I alone can fix it," declared the egoputz. (Mary Ellen McGlone, Gaithersburg, Md., a First Offender) I-11: GOZINTER: Technical mathematical term for division. "Four gozinter 15 three times with three left over." (Glen Matheson, Bay Shore, N.Y., a First Offender) I-9: LEGO ZIT: The smallest tile in the Angry Teen People Pack. (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) K-12: ZAPTIVE: Entranced by watching your microwave tray turn. "So how have you been entertaining yourself while you're working from home?" (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) K-18: TANX: Shapewear you don't have to squeeze into. (Frank Osen) L-4: NIKEA: Purveyor of build-your-own shoes. Free Swedish meatballs when you buy a pair of Air Jörgens! (Coleman Glenn) L-6: TEXAS UP: To pass laws that restrict voting and abortion rights. "GOP legislatures in 20 states are eager to Texas up." (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) N-11: MATTEL TEXAS: Maker of the Everything-Is-Bigger Barbie. (George Thompson) O-16: EXMAN: Marvel's first transgender superhero. (Brian Krupp, Lewes, Del., a First Offender) Q-2: VIRTUE LENT: "This year, I'm giving up Patience." (John Winant, Annandale, Va.) S-5: PIDDLEE: What every parent of an infant becomes sooner or later. (Jonathan Jensen) Q-12: PAGUN: One who believes in the God of Fire . . . arms. (Frank Mann, Washington) And Last: L-1: LET ME INK: The Style Invitational Loser's weekly mantra. (Chris Doyle) Still running — deadline Monday, Oct. 4: our contest for "good idea/bad idea" jokes. See wapo.st/invite1455. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1457, published October 10, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1457: Ask Backwards XL Our 40th sort-of-"Jeopardy!" contest — and Ken Jennings will help judge. Plus misinterpreted book titles.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Today at 10:03 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning plays on book titles) Ken Jennings Zen Jennings Spinal Jeopardy Six hours without Facebook Curry Spice John Jacob Jingleheimer Fudd Not the next TikTok dance craze 30,000 steps Roads and Bridges A self-driving pogo stick 3 1/2 pounds A bun in the oven Still a Googlenope Not a future "Jeopardy!" category Such a stupid question Ask Backwards XL At 40 go-rounds, it's the most repeated Style Invitational contest over our almost 29-year history. Unlike the contest it's vaguely modeled on, this one (like the Invite itself) passed from chief to chief without brouhaha (but, I hope, sufficient haha). This week: You are on "Jeopardy!"; above are various "answers." You provide the questions, up to 25 of them to any or all. AND!!! "Jeopardy!" legend and now co-host Ken Jennings has volunteered — as he did last year — to weigh in on the Empress's shortlist of Jeop-centric entries. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1457 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Oct. 18; results appear Nov. 7 in print, Nov. 4 online. See the entry form for easy formatting directions. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a real collector's item: a mint-condition 2004-08 Style Invitational Loser T-shirt regifted by Invite GOAT Chris Doyle, who won it as one of his 188 runner-up prizes and never wore it, possibly because it's a generous XL and Chris is a generous S. The pocket-dripping-ink motif was created by Bob Staake Himself based on a contest-winning idea by Sarah Worcester. Loser Steve Langer models his own shirt here; he sported it last month at the Losers' Flushies awards. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Read Herrings" is by Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Oct. 7, at wapo.st/conv1457. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Read herrings: Misinterpreted book titles from Week 1453 In Week 1453 we asked you to add a subtitle to a book title that would totally change the subject of the book. Hundreds of the 2,200 entries were sent in by Captain Obvious and Friends; the Empress yawned through "A Farewell to Arms: The Story of Venus de Milo" or "A Brief History of Time: 100 Years of the Newsmagazine." But the entries below woke her up. 4th place: One Hundred Years of Solitude: A Jewish Mother Waits for Her Son's Weekly Visit (Bill Kullman, Washington, a First Offender) 3rd place: As I Lay Dying: Memoirs of America's Worst Standups (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the 'naturally glowing edible scorpions': Left Behind: Thirty Days to a Better Butt (Vol. 1) (Seth Tucker, Washington) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Silent Spring: The Year I Forgot About Valentine's Day (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Weakly readers: Honorable mentions Go, Dog. Go! Ten Steps to Being the Perfect Wingman (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) 1984: The Year That Gave Us Khloé Kardashian (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) A Farewell to Arms: How to Fit More Chairs at the Dining Table (Melissa Muckenhirn, Urbana, Ill., a First Offender) A Raisin in the Sun: The Grapes of Wrath, Part 2 (Luke Baker, Columbia, Md.) All Creatures Great and Small: A Carnivore's Cookbook (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) All Things Wise and Wonderful: Donald Trump, in My Own Words (Frank Mann, Washington) And Then There Were None: How Three Persistent Kids Discover Where Mom Hid the Snickers (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Apples Never Fall: The Flat Earth Society's Guide to Gravity (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Becoming: My Life, by Melania Trump (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Captain Underpants: History's Worst Commando Unit Leader (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Catch-22: An Analysis of Last Season's 601 Washington Football Team Passing Attempts (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Dial "M" for Murder: How Automated Messages Have Slowed Down 911 (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Fahrenheit 451: A Guide to Precision Baking (Dan Galef, Tallahassee) For Whom the Bell Tolls: A Former "Gong Show" Insider Tells All (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) Goodnight Moon: And Other Inappropriate Endings to Bad Dates (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) Great Expectations: That One Week in June Before the Delta Variant Hit (Todd DeLap) Harold and the Purple Crayon: A Child's Guide to Creating Their First NFT (Marc Sasseville, Burke, Va.) Hop on Pop: Do You Know How Much Caffeine Is in Your Mountain Dew? (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Howard's End: The Shock Jock Tells About His Colonoscopy (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) If You Give a Mouse a Cookie: . . . He'll Ask for a Glass of Milk and Then Medicare: The Dangerous Creep of Socialism (Robin Rowland, Potomac, Md.) It Ends With Us: 1001 Latin Singular Nouns (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Mark Twain: A Maryland Commuter's Daily Nightmare, by E. Fudd (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) Never Let Me Go: My Quest for the Guinness World Record for Urine Retention (Kevin Dopart, Washington) No Exit: 101 Cures for Constipation (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Smiley's People: The Creators of Emoji (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) So Big: Nicki Minaj's Cousin's Friend's Covid Vaccine Memoir (Marty Gold, Arlington,Va., a First Offender) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Delegate, Delegate, Delegate, Delegate, Delegate, Delegate, Delegate (Dave Prevar) The Bridges of Madison County: Highlights of Page 2,391 of the 2021 Infrastructure Bill (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) The Color Purple: A Photo Essay of Carpenters' Thumbs (Bill Cromwell, Keswick, Va.) The Hunt for Red October: The Leaf Peeper's Guide to New England (John Klayman, Fairfax, Va.) The Neverending Story: Climbing to the Next Floor at M.C. Escher's House (Jesse Frankovich) The Neverending Story: Mrs. Greene Next Door Talks About Her Bunions (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) The Overstory: How to Convince Friends and Family That the 2020 Election Is Done (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) The Ox-Bow Incident: Why You Shouldn't Dress Your Farm Animals in Cutesy Costumes (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) The Poky Little Puppy: Caring for Your Dog After a Porcupine Encounter (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) The Story of O: Part 2 of "Tic-Tac-Toe: A History" (Andrew Elby, Arlington, Va.) The Tempest: My One-Hour Career With Kelly Services (David Terry, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) Wuthering Heights: A Collection of the World's Finest Wuthering (Todd DeLap; Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) Little-Known Facts About Well-Known People: Did You Know Jeff Bezos Owns The Washington Post? (David Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.) And Last: Pat the Bunny: The Empress Goes Undercover at the Playboy Mansion (Jesse Frankovich; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 11: our contest for "Is that your ___, or "¦" insults. See wapo.st/invite1456. ====================================================================== WEEK 1458, published October 17, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1458: Do adjust your set Use the letters of a TV show to make a new one. Plus punku — haiku with puns.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers October 14, 2021 at 10:02 a.m. EDT Use all the letters in "The Odd Couple" to create "Poled Tech Duo": Felix and Oscar open a strip club with free WiFi. "Jeopardy!" > "Ye Pea Pod Jar": A cooking show about old-fashioned pea-pickling. "The Chase" > "The Aches": The cast of "Friends," now in their 50s, reunite to sit around and talk about how everything seems to hurt all the time. "CSI New York" > "Kooky Wonky Rices": How to prepare the world's most common grain in the weirdest ways. This week: Use all the letters of any TV show (including streamed ones), past or present, to create a new show; or it can be a new episode of the original, as in the first example, out of the mind — the out-of-his-mind mind — of Bob Staake. The other examples, of new shows, are by 58-time Loser Sarah Walsh, who suggested this contest and just might have been thinking about her own appearances on both "Jeopardy!" (2017) and "The Chase" (2021). Your entry can be an anagram — the letters simply rearranged — like the first and third examples, or you may repeat any letters as often as you like, like the other two. But if the original has, say, two O's, you don't have to use them both. You can't omit any of the letters from the original, though. Carving is NOT recommended: Inflatable Turkey, this week's second prize. Carving is NOT recommended: Inflatable Turkey, this week's second prize. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1458 (no capitals in the Web address). Please type each entry without a line break, as above, so the Empress can sort the entries and not go any more bonkers than she already is. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 25; results appear Nov. 14 in print, Nov. 11 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an inflatable roast turkey made of beach ball-type plastic ("Ingredients: Expandable poultry"), a nice 16 inches long and perfect for Thanksgiving dinner, as long as eating is not part of your dinner plans. Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Hai Tops" was submitted by both Tom Witte and Kevin Dopart; Tom also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column will return next week. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Hai tops: Inking punku from Week 1454 Week 1454 was our third contest for punku — haiku that includes a pun or other wordplay. (For our sophomoric purposes, a haiku was any three lines whose syllables divided into 5-7-5.) The Empress tried to screen out old jokes, but if one got through, okay, it's 17 syllables. Calm yourself. 4th place: Vaccines ought to be Essential for employment — Jab security. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) 3rd place: Bezos, Branson, Musk: I'm glad they've all avoided Orbituaries. (Steve Baldwin, Bethesda, Md.) 2nd place and the Thumb Sumo kit: In Senate showdowns, Why is it Mitch won't buckle? He figures Chuck'll. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: We are not close to Solving climate change, but we Are getting warmer. (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.) 'Ku cuts: Honorable mentions The center folded Once Trump made politics a Dirty MAGA-scene. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Chemistry! Who knew That the smallest of bases Could make a Big Lye! (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) When you bet on the Nats And they don't win, it's a shame: You lost your shirt, sir. (Keith Ord, Potomac, Md.) Athenians hate The morning sunlight because Dawn is tough on Greece. (Luke Baker, Columbia, Md.) My dating life is Like a credit card offer: One year, no interest (Erika Ettin, Washington) Biden's plan to spend Trillions on infrastructure: Colossus of roads. (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) How rich do you need To be for a trip to space? Astronomically! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Since Alex passed on, "Jeopardy's" been trying to Make the host of it. (Jesse Frankovich) A foreign substance On my cap? No way! I'm the Pitcher of virtue! (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md) Steakhouse waiter: "What Cut of meat would you like, Mitch?" "A filet, buster." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Nicki Minaj's Story of her cousin's friend Was totally nuts. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Pence may be spineless, But when he well could have caved, I'm just glad he Quayled. (Frank Osen) I overindulged At the Middle East Cafe: Now I falafel. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) "Fast and Furious 100" title should be "Pop Goes Vin Diesel" (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) Indian food jokes Even at one's own expense Don't curry favor. — G. Weingarten, Washington (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) Uncle Bob's slide shows Chronicle all his wild travels From hither to yawn. (Mark Richardson) Under DeSantis, Florida has turned into The Shun-Science State. (Chris Doyle) What keeps us Texans Glued to the news in Austin? The farce of Abbott. (Chris Doyle) If Lake Mead's water Level drops any farther, It'll be Lake Mud. (Chris Doyle) Oh, Magic 8-Ball: Should I get my vaccine? "All Science points to yes . . ." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Underpants that lift And separate should be called A caboostier. (Jon Gearhart) Nothing's better than World peace, but a warm beer is Better than nothing (Ward Foeller, Charlottesville, Va.) What is that high coo? Pigeons targeting my hair, Laughing from the sky (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) Poor Desdemona Died, followed by Othello. Co-Moor-bidity! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Boromir's smashed nose Makes it clear that he should not Walk into more doors. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) Calculus exam Flunked after a night of fun: Don't drink and derive. (Luke Baker) The Artifice Deal: Trump's new memoir should have six Chapter 11s. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Hookers who service Overweight men learn how to Roll with the paunches. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Fire reported At the optician's office: It went up in frames. (Erika Ettin) Daniel Craig looks great: Although his hair's turning gray, It's no time to dye. (John O'Byrne) I followed the signs Straight to hell — I should have known: The font? Sans-seraph. (Liav Lewitt, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) Why did the wine cork Stay in place? The sommelier Lacked any screw-pulls. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) He endures spring for One day. Then blossoms open; He falls to his sneeze. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) How often do Smurfs Stick their butts out the window? Once in a blue moon. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) The artist would paint While high on weed. He called it "All-in-a-daze work." (Beverley Sharp) Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 18: our Ask Backwards contest. See wapo.st/invite1457. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1459, published October 24, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1459: And we quote: 'It's Parody Time' Write a first-person song 'by' your choice of people. Plus 'good idea/bad idea' jokes.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers October 21, 2021 at 10:08 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning "good idea/ bad idea" jokes) The Major-General's Song, as rewritten by Sir Mix-a-Lot (via Duncan Stevens) I am the very model of a pro-butt individual, My derriere enthusiasm's not at all residual. If someone's claiming otherwise, then that's a tale apocryphal! There's no dissimulating my proclivities buttockryphal! . . . Yes, it's time for another song contest! This one was suggested by Astonishingly Prolific Loser Duncan Stevens (especially when it comes to song parodies): Write humorous first-person lyrics for a song "by" some particular person, set to any well-known tune (or, if you want to make your own video, you could even write your own tune). The results that will run in the print Post, including the top four winners, will be songs set to very well-known music so that readers can sing along. (Online the inking entries will appear with links to the music.) While the example above, because of limited space, is just half a verse, your own parody should be at least one full verse. See this week's entry form for more instructions about how to submit your entries, and this week's Style Conversational column for more about Invite songs in general. Because who doesn't want to pretend to eat the middle of a dog? This week's second prize, part of a set of four. (No, it doesn't turn it into a corn dog.) Because who doesn't want to pretend to eat the middle of a dog? This week's second prize, part of a set of four. (No, it doesn't turn it into a corn dog.) Submit up to 25 entries (hey, we have some amazing songwriters in the Loser Community!) at wapo.st/enter-invite-1459 (no capitals in the Web address). Since songs (not to mention videos) ought to take some polishing, we give you a week longer than usual: Deadline is Monday, Nov. 8; results appear Nov. 21 in print, Nov. 18 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of four Dog Corn Holders, specifically the front and back ends of a dachshund that you push into your cob, rather than the usual corn-shaped holders. Because, uh, you want to pretend that you're biting with gusto into the midsection of a dog? Whatever, the cob impalers are made of an attractive dark poly-something resin. Donated by Loser Sarah Walsh. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "U-turns of Phrase" is by Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you're thinking of entering a song for Week 1459, see this week's (published late Thursday, Oct. 21) at wapo.st/conv1459. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . U-turns of phrase: Good ideas/bad ideas from Week 1455 Week 1455 was a wordplay contest in which we asked for good ideas changed slightly into bad ideas. The Empress received more than 1,400 entries, many of which were Good idea: Get covid vaccine. Bad idea: Get covid-19. 4th place: Good idea: Having large church coffers. Bad idea: Having large church coughers. (Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md.) 3rd place: Good idea: Putting sugar in your tea. Bad idea: Putin sugaring your tea. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2nd place and the Belgian hat with fingers: Good idea: Striving to be more of a caring person. Bad idea: Striving to be more of a "Karen" person. (Frank Mann, Washington) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Good idea: Getting your cues from science. Bad idea: Getting your science from Q. (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) Faintest ideas: Honorable mentions Good idea: Leave your audience wanting more. Bad idea: Leave your audience wanting morphine. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Good idea: Feeling that you ran the best race. Bad idea: Feeling that you are the best race. (Jesse Frankovich) Good idea: Rekindle an old flame. Bad idea: Rekindle an old flame anywhere in California. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Good idea: Trust in science. Bad idea: Trust in seance. (Kevin Dopart) Good idea: Backing up your computer. Bad idea: Backing up over your computer. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Good idea: "We're off to see the Wizard!" Bad idea: "We're off to see the Wizards." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Good idea: A peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Bad idea: A peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich. (Mary Giorgis, Crofton, Md.) Good idea: Childproof gates. Bad idea: Child with Gaetz. (Becky Foster, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender) Good idea: Making a resolution on Jan. 1. Bad idea: Making a revolution on Jan. 6. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Good idea: Conquering your demons. Bad idea: Concurring with your demons. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Good idea: Hitting a ball into the crowd after winning in tennis. Bad idea: Throwing a ball into the crowd after winning in bowling. (Bird Waring) Good idea: Disinfect your phone. Bad idea: Disinfect your phone in the washing machine. (Lauren Shaham, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) Good idea: Filling your mouth with a warm beignet. Bad idea: Filling your mouth with warm Bengay. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Good idea: Get coffee on a first date. Bad idea: Get coughy on a first date. (Ryan Martinez) Good idea: Always handling guns like they're loaded. Bad idea: Always handling guns like you're loaded. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va., a First Offender) Good idea: Giving Trump a run for his money. Bad idea: Giving Trump money for his run. (Frank Mann) Good idea: SNL kicks off the season with Owen Wilson. Bad idea: WFT kicks off the season with 0 and 1. (Frank Mann) Good idea: Brag about partying with Prince Harry. Bad idea: Brag about partying with Prince Andrew. (Duncan Stevens) Good Idea: Hunting using a blind. Bad Idea: Hunting using a blindfold. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Good idea: Inviting schoolchildren to visit your office. Bad idea: Inviting schoolchildren to visit your orifice. (Byron Miller, Cobble Hill, B.C.) Good idea: Make Indian food. Bad idea: Mock Indian food. (Michael Cohen, Greenbelt, Md., who last got Invite ink in 2002) Good idea: Preferred pronouns. Bad idea: Preferred capItaLizATionS. (Jeff coNtoMPaSis, Ashburn, Va.) Good idea: Surprise your kids with the trampoline of their dreams. Bad idea: Surprise your kids with the trampling of their dreams. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Good idea: Doing a cannonball into the pool. Bad idea: Doing a cannonball onto a pool table. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Good idea: Taking a vacation with your boss's OK. Bad idea: Taking a vacation with your boss's SO. (Jesse Frankovich) Good idea: Giving away shots of Johnson & Johnson. Bad idea: Giving away shots of your johnson. (Frank Mann) Good idea: Vote green. Bad idea: Vote Greene. (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.) Good idea: Wage a good fight for poor workers. Bad idea: Fight a good wage for poor workers. (Ward Foeller, Charlottesville, Va.) Good idea: You want to go golfing and your wife says it's fine. Bad idea: You want to go golfing and your wife says, "Fine." (Glen Matheson, Bay Shore, N.Y.) Good idea: You're in the pink. Bad idea: Urine, pink. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Good idea: Post pics of your son in his suit on his birthday. Bad idea: Post pics of your son in his birthday suit. (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) Good idea: Date Lab. Bad idea: Date a Lab. (Ryan Martinez) Good idea: Motivate your employees with gentle persuasion. Bad idea: Motivate your employees with genital persuasion. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Good idea: Enjoying entering The Style Invitational again. Bad idea: Being enjoined from ever entering The Style Invitational again. (Larry Yungk, Wyoming, Ohio) Good idea: Being chosen by Pat Myers. Bad idea: Being chosen by Michael Myers. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 25: Our contest to play around with TV show titles. See wapo.st/invite1458. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1460, published October 31, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1460: These new words are on fleek Write a poem featuring one of Merriam-Webster's new listings. Plus 'Is that your...' insults.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers October 28, 2021 at 10:07 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the winning "Is that your ..." insults) Sometimes, new words can delight. But sometimes, new words kinda bite — When they're trendy and cloying And downright annoying, Such as this one right here — AMIRITE? Once again, the folks at Merriam-Webster gave us a heads-up on some of the words and phrases (or new meanings for existing ones) just added this week to its online dictionary. So let's play! This week: From the list at the bottom of this page, write a humorous poem of eight lines or fewer featuring one or more of these terms, as in the example above by Pulitzer Prize winner Gene Weingarten, who deems it "the best humorous poem ever written" and "perhaps my greatest work ever." Either look up the words at M-W.com or click on the links in the online Invite at wapo.st/invite1460. May this cuddly covid be the only covid you'll ever get. May this cuddly covid be the only covid you'll ever get. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1460. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 8; results appear Nov. 28 in print, Nov. 24 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an adorable plush and squeezy-soft coronavirus, about the size of a softball (or 1 million times life-size). Full disclosure: The giant googly eyes on Pet SARS-CoV-2 are not strictly biologically accurate. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Mock-Mock Jokes" is by Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1460. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Mock-mock jokes: 'Is that your __, or ___?' winners Week 1456 we asked for insult jokes roughly in the form of "Is that your ___, or ___?" The Empress is perhaps relieved that so many of you are really quite pathetic when it comes to trash-talking. 4th place: Is that your car, or is Fred Flintstone walking to work now? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) 3rd place: Is that your cooking I smell, or have we reached High Heaven? (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) 2nd place and the crudely drawn FBI-NYPD mug: Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you a Democrat? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Is that your way of encouraging your child's self-expression, or did you fail to tip the exorcist? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Sneer misses: Honorable mentions Are those really your eyebrows, or did you use I Can't Believe It's Not a Sharpie? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) Is that it, or do you always do a 10-second practice run? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Are those your biceps, or did your arms get matching mosquito bites? (Gary Crockett) Is that your dog, or did you soak a rat in Rogaine? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Is that your living room, or did Hoarders release a Zoom background? (Ben Aronin, Washington) Is that your reasoned opinion, or are you logic-hesitant? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Is that your husband, or did the English fatberg finally calve? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Are those your dance moves, or should I get the defibrillator? (Gary Crockett) Is that a Great Dane sitting on your lap, or have you become good-looking? (Chiara Juster, Redmond, Ore., a First Offender) Is that a toupee, or are you walking your Chia Pet? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines; Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md.) Did you just pick up after your dog, or are you wearing Chanel No. 2? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Did your CEO just say something, or was that a paradigm-shifting game-changer that delivers impacting synergy for disrupters who move the needle and think outside the box? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Do you always shovel your food into your mouth, or do you think this spaghetti is going to escape? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Were you planning to clean up in here, or are you playing an elaborate game of Jenga with your dirty dishes? (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Have you finished your book, or do you still have some pages to color? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Do you need a tissue, or are nose-stalactites now a thing? (Frank Osen) Have you had Botox injections, or did you just not get my joke? (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) Is she your trophy wife, or your participation-award wife? (Chuck Smith) Is that a new deodorant you're wearing, or is DARPA renting your armpits to research chemical weapons? (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) Is that a nickname, or were your parents huge fans of Dr. Seuss? (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) Is that a picture of Your Mama, or do you donate to Adopt a Manatee? (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Is that your best Your Mama joke, or did Your Mama write that for you? (Tom Witte) Is that my pizza, or did someone spill ketchup on an English muffin? (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) Is that your beard, or was this your first time eating ramen? (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) Is that your boyfriend, or is somewhere a wooden bridge lonely for its lost troll? (Lawrence McGuire) Is that your DIY sealing job, or did the Exxon Valdez run aground in your driveway? (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) Is that your face, or are you setting the record for world's longest mooning? (Seamus O'Connor, Arlington, Va.) Is that your football team's owner, or did Snidely Whiplash and Harvey Weinstein have a son? (Duncan Stevens) Is that your hair, or have you not dusted your head for a few weeks? (Hannah Seidel) Is that your idea of sex, or are you worried about a shot clock violation? (Jeff Shirley) Is that your lawn, or are you doing Scorched Earth for Halloween? (Edward Gordon, Austin) Is that your new tux, or did the Penguin have an estate sale? (Frank Mann, Washington) Is that your Postal Service improvement plan, or did you copy from Dr. Kevorkian's how-to guide? (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Is that a selfie, or were you checking for nose hairs? (Craig Matthiessen, Burke, Va.) Is that your shirt, or is it Bring Your Own Tablecloth night at the diner? (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Is that your trampoline, or did you borrow it to put on your makeup? (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Is this your wedding reception, or is "Squid Game" filming a second season? (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) Is that a Fitbit on your wrist, or is your fence electrified? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Is that your idea of a witty riposte, or are you just not very good at coming up with, like, clever, um, you know, comments in the, uh, moment? (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) Is that your sphynx cat, or did you breed your mole rat to Gollum? (Michelle Christophorou, Guildford, England) Is that your old Kia, or are you trying to fool the ladies by pretending to undercompensate? (Jeff Shirley) And Last: Is that your kindergartner's art project, or did you win The Style Invitational again? (Hannah Seidel) And Even Laster: Is that your weekly "humor contest," or is a Russian troll farm at work undermining American society? (Gabriel Goldberg, Falls Church, Va.) Still running — deadline also Nov. 8: Our contest for first-person songs. See wapo.st/invite1459. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. BE THE STUFF OF LEGEND: Use these new words/ phrases/ abbreviations Words and phrases (or those with new meanings) newly added to the M-W.com dictionary; the links below go to its listings. For your poem in Week 1460, you may use related forms of the word, such as "flash frozen" as well as "flash freeze." air fryer amirite because (as a preposition, as in "because science") bit rot cellie chicharron clickstream copypasta dab (both the dance move and to inhale cannabis vapors) dad bod deplatform digital nomad doorbell camera elbow bump faux-hawk flash freeze fluffernutter fourth trimester FTW halotherapy hippotherapy jacked (both excited and muscular) kumbaya OG on fleek Oobleck otaku overclock petaflop small ball street food super-spreader TBH teraflop the stuff of legend vaccine hesitancy vaccine passport whataboutism wiener roast ====================================================================== WEEK 1461, published November 7, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1461: It's the eponymy, stupid Coin a word based on a name. And Ken Jennings guest-judges Ask Backwards!(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 4, 2021 at 10:06 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down to the Ask Backwards winners) DISPUTIN, v.: To invite a one-way ticket to the gulag. "Ever since the Khodorkovsky verdict, Russians have been afraid to disputin." (Steve Ettinger, 2006) SINEMATIC, adj.: Describing utterly nonsensical behavior. "You decided to crash the car because it wouldn't turn left and right at the same time? Pretty sinematic." (Duncan Stevens) SNYDER, adj.: More miserly. "I never met a guy who was snyder with a dollar than your uncle." (Craig Dykstra, 2010) MINAJERIE, n.: A zoo housing animals with mysteriously swollen parts. (Duncan Stevens) Some people wear porkpies, others wear pizzas. Wolfe Geist of Fort Washington, Md., models this week's second prize. Some people wear porkpies, others wear pizzas. Wolfe Geist of Fort Washington, Md., models this week's second prize. Here's a contest that we haven't done since 2010 — and most of the names spoofed that year aren't exactly of the hour right now: Lohan, Reubens, Whittington, Rangel, Haynesworth, Fenty. So! This week: Create an eponym — a word based on the name of a well-known person — define it, and perhaps use it in a humorous sentence, as in the examples above by Loser Duncan Stevens, who suggested doing this contest again, and from earlier Invite contests. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1461 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Nov. 15; results appear Dec. 5 in print, Dec. 2 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a plush hat "¦ or rather, a plush pizza to be worn atop the head. It has a bright yellow surface, with red pepperoni circles and various strips of whatever. A sort of Italian beret! Oven cooking is not advised, especially while it is on your head. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar. Our guest GOAT weighs in on such "answers" as "Zen Jennings" and "Spinal Jeopardy. " Our guest GOAT weighs in on such "answers" as "Zen Jennings" and "Spinal Jeopardy. " (Ken Jennings by Carol Kaelson/Jeopardy Productions, Inc.) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline "Ask Mandates" is by Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's — published late Thursday, Nov. 4 — at wapo.st/conv1461. The "You're Invited" podcast: Seventeen half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Ask-mandates: Inking Q's for our A's Week 1457 was our 40th(!) Ask Backwards contest, in which we supply the answers and you the questions. And just as he did last year, "Jeopardy!" GOAT and (right now) host Ken Jennings weighs in with his favorite entries in the Ken/Jeop categories. Not surprisingly these days, we found the Seattle resident at the airport. "These are great!" he reported. "I had a good laugh in the bleakest place on earth: LAX." His choices? "I'm a sucker for dumb puns, so I loved Dalai Double, Tic Tac Tao, Buzzy Koan and Christopher Guess. And a game show that "only goes to $11" is actually a pretty good pitch!" And more! "Impotent Notables is so good I want to suggest it to the 'Jeopardy!' writers." But: "The 'Whiter Shade of Pale' joke got me so steamed that I knitted my eyebrows together in anger! Unfortunately they're so blond no one could tell." 4th place: A. Zen Jennings. Q. Who'd always go for a true Dalai Double? (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) 3rd place: A. A bun in the oven. Q. What do bakers have no control over in Texas? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) 2nd place and the vintage 2008 Loser T-shirt: A. Ken Jennings. Q. Who was the inspiration for "A Whiter Shade of Pale"? (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: A. Six hours without Facebook. Q. How do 56 percent of Americans describe an eight-hour workday? (Jeff Hazle) Q&A-bombs: Honorable mentions A. Ken Jennings. Q. Who discovered that dear Watson wasn't so elementary after all? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A. Ken Jennings. Q. Who was clearly snubbed by not being invited to host "Reading Rainbow"? (Kevin Dopart, Washington) A. Zen Jennings. Q. Who is the only "Jeopardy!" contestant whose heart doesn't skip a beat with the last "bum bum bum" of the "Think" music? (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) A. Zen Jennings Q. Who encourages the "Jeopardy!" audience to applaud with one hand? (Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.) A. Zen Jennings Q. Whose game show rival is Buzzy Koan? (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.; Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) A. Zen Jennings Q. Who is the all time winner on the game show Tic Tac Tao? (Mike Gips) A. Zen Jennings. Q. Who's going to guest-host "Satori Night Live"? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) A. Zen Jennings Q. Who has prize winnings up the yin-yang? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) A. Not a Future "Jeopardy!" Category. Q. What is Impotent Notables? (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) A. Not a Future "Jeopardy!" Category. Q What is Famous Pictures of Muhammad? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) A. Not a Future "Jeopardy!" Category. Q. What is Ex-Executive Producers? (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) A. Not a Future "Jeopardy!" Category. What is Rhymes With Schmorange? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) A. Not a Future "Jeopardy!" Category. Q. What is "Cardi B's Favorite Euphemisms?" (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) A. Spinal Jeopardy. Q. On what show does the prize money only go to $11? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) A. Spinal Jeopardy. Q. Which movie stars Christopher Guess? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) A. Spinal Jeopardy. Q. What is a good reason for sitting out with "the twisties?" (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.) A. Spinal Jeopardy. Q. In what round did Ken Jennings snicker when he had to say "coccyx"? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) A. Spinal Jeopardy. Q. In what game show do contestants just answer back? (Kevin Dopart) A. 3½ Pounds. Q. How much did Prince William spend on a baby gift for his niece Lilibet? (Fred Shuback, Silver Spring, Md.) A. 3½ Pounds. Q. How big is a pound cake in Texas? (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) A. 3½ Pounds. Q. How many animal shelters did it take to house Clifford the Big Red Dog? (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) A. 3½ Pounds. Q. What is Boris Johnson's annual hair care budget? (Bird Waring) A. 3½ Pounds. Q. What do Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's testicles weigh? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) A. 3½ Pounds. Q. When hanging a photo in your apartment, what does it take to drive a nail right through your neighbor's wall? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A. 3½ Pounds. Q. What amount of diaper contents might tip off your spouse that you spent the day watching football instead of the baby? (John Hutchins) A. 3½ Pounds. Q. How much did TFG lose before he declared it the biggest weight loss in the history of the country? (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.) A. Six hours without Facebook. Q. What is the best thing about undergoing triple-bypass surgery? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) A. Six hours without Facebook Q. What is the punishment for parents who don't obey their children? (Pia Palamidessi) A. Six hours without Facebook. Q. What is 18 hours short of the recommended daily allowance? (Chris Doyle) A. Such a stupid question. Q. What does "that's a good question" actually mean? (Joseph Horgan, Kensington, a First Offender) A. A self-driving pogo stick. Q. What should Dolly Parton not choose as her new vehicle? (Andy Promisel, Fairfax) A. A self-driving pogo stick. Q. What's good for trips requiring just a short hop? (Jeff Contompasis) A. A self-driving pogo stick. Q. What will the presidential limousine look like if AOC gets elected to the White House? (Ira Allen, Bethesda) A. 30,000 steps. Q. What does the phrase "some assembly required" mean? (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) A. 30,000 steps. Q. Approximately how long is a broken Metro escalator? (Duncan Stevens) A. 30,000 steps. Q. What's involved in the new GOP voting rules? (Karen Golden, Prince Frederick, Md.) A. John Jacob Jingleheimer Fudd. Q. What is the full name of the rapper known as J-Fu? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) A. John Jacob Jingleheimer Fudd. Q. Whose name twips people up as much as mine does? (Jeff Contompasis) A. A bun in the oven. Q. How did the original draft of "Peter Rabbit" end? (Dave Savolaine, Silver Spring; Duncan Stevens) A. A bun in the oven. Q. What was Sara Lee surprised to find after a visit from the Pillsbury Doughboy? (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) A. Still a Googlenope. Q. What is "Mike Pence's pizazz"? (Mike Gips; it and the entries below are, at least until now, Googlenopes — Googling them within quotes yielded no hits) A. Still a Googlenope Q. "What is "tarantula figure skating"? (Paul Eakin, Fredericksburg, Va., a First Offender) A. Still a Googlenope. Q. What is "Ted Cruz does not look like an undertaker"? (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) A. Curry Spice. Q. What aftershave did Gene Weingarten wear on his date with Padma Lakshmi? (Frank Mann, Washington) A. Curry Spice. Q. What is Gene Weingarten's stripper name? (Lee Graham) A. Curry Spice. Q. Who is the Artist Formerly Known as A Complex Mix of Turmeric, Cumin, Coriander, Ginger and Chile Pepper Spice? (Stephen Dudzik) A. Curry Spice. Q. What do Indian takeout orders and Washington Post takeout orders have in common? (Pia Palamidessi) Two contests still running — deadline Monday, Nov. 8, for both: Week 1459 (wapo.st/enter-invite-1459): Write song lyrics in the first person "for" some particular person; Week 1460: Write a short poem using one of the new dictionary words we supplied (wapo.st/enter-invite-1460). DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1462, published November 14, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1462: Time for a new career? Tell us what would happen if two people switched roles. Plus winning TV show anagrams.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post, after a tweet by @SierraRey_73) By Pat Myers November 11, 2021 at 9:44 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning TV show anagrams) This week's contest was suggested a while back by Loser Daphne Steinberg, who alerted the Empress to the imagined quotes above, which were in the form of a tweet by someone using the handle @SierraRey_73, who might in turn have been inspired by a Reddit writing prompt in which writers approached the same "another universe" what-if — if ranting TV chef Gordon Ramsay and mellow TV art teacher Bob Ross had switched professions. This week: Tell what would happen if any two people switched professions or other roles, as in the example above. It could be in the form of quotes "by" the two people, as above, or in some other description. Don't write a whole story, as the Reddit writers did; shoot for 50 words or fewer. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1462 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Nov. 22; results appear Dec. 12 in print, Dec. 9 online. A little toy virus kept in line by a little toy antibody: This week's second prize. A little toy virus kept in line by a little toy antibody: This week's second prize. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an adorable pair of mini-plushie microbes, part of our series of prize internal critters: first, there's a Pithovirus sibericum, or zombie virus (because it was revived after lying in permafrost for 30,000 years); but also — whew! — there's a cute little Y-shaped antibody! Both donated by Dave Prevar, who hereby admits to sending viruses through the mail. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Stir Search" is by Jon Gearhart; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's — published late Thursday afternoon, Nov. 11 — at wapo.st/conv1462. The "You're Invited" podcast: Seventeen half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Stir search: TV show anagrams & more from Week 1458 In Week 1458, we asked the Losers to choose a TV show, then use all the letters in its name at least once to create a new episode of that show — or a new show. Sometimes they made true anagrams, rearranging all the letters without repeating any; those entries are marked below. 4th place: America's Funniest Home Videos > Send the Nice Man Our Homemade Errors From the VCR: Producers indulge senior viewers by allowing them to mail in their tapes. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) 3rd place: Dancing With the Stars > Right-Wing Whiner Can't Cha-Cha — Sad: Looking back at the one time, in 2006, when Tucker Carlson tried to be human. (Frank Mann, Washington) 2nd place and the inflatable roast turkey: Breaking Bad > Baking Bread (an anagram): Walter White finds a better way to make a lot of dough before he dies. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Gilligan's Island > Ding-a-lings in Sand: Still "Gilligan's Island." (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Cringe-watching: Honorable mentions Seinfeld > Life's End (an anagram): A show about nothingness. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Hill Street Blues > Tele-Shill Buster (an anagram): Detective weeds out posers who write fake reviews for QVC merchandise. (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) Jeopardy! > Jeopardopey!: To counter perceptions of intellectual elitism, contestants are given tranquilizers before competing. "Uh, what was the clue again?" (Byron Miller, Cobble Hill, B.C.) Lost in Space > Plastic Noses, Lips et al.: The Space Family Kardashian travels the universe, searching for . . . you guessed it . . . attention. (Frank Mann) The Lone Ranger > The Orange Gloater: "Believe me, I know all about outlaws. I alone can clean up the West . . . but I won't be wearing a mask." (Jesse Frankovich) 24 > 42: A CIA agent saves President Clinton from a box of exploding cigars hidden in the Oval Office. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Mare of Easttown > Manatee or Sow? WTF?: An ex-president reviews an HBO series about a female detective. (Mark Raffman) All in the Family > Finally, the Mail! (an anagram): Remember when the Postal Service was fast? Those were the days! (Jesse Frankovich) American Idol > Melodic Crania: This week, contestants sing songs that are sure to get stuck in your head. (Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md.) Batman > Bantam BAM!: Robin proves he's no chicken. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Bewitched > Witch Bed Itch: After seven years of marriage to Darrin, Samantha yearns for something more. (Diane Lucitt) Saturday Night Live > River Vans and Hardly Any Laughter: Having a Chris Farley hologram host the show did little to improve SNL's ratings. (Jon Chasson, Dulles, Va., a First Offender) Breaking Bad > Edgier Baking: This week, chef Paul Hollywood challenges his contestants to prepare a dozen identical, perfectly pure crystal meth rocks. (Kevin Dopart) Cheers > Screech: Where everybody screams your name. Recast with Fran Drescher as Carla, Gilbert Gottfried as Cliff, and Bobcat Goldthwait as Norm. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) Columbo > Cool Bum (an anagram): A shambling, cigar-addicted wanderer in an open raincoat stumbles into homicide scenes and mesmerizes suspects into forgetting to call their lawyers. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) The Apprentice > Cheap Intern: Why pay your employees if you don't have to? Or lawyers, for that matter . . . (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.) Dallas > Salad: The Ewings make a fortune in both oil and vinegar. (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) Dennis the Menace > Emaciated Man Seethes: After Dennis blurts out, "Jeepers, you sure are fat, Mister Wilson," Martha puts her husband on a no-carb diet. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Dennis the Menace > Send Nine Machetes: Mr. Wilson devises a devious mail-order plan to keep Dennis off his lawn. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) ER > Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A battle between doctors and administrators is fought within County General Hospital's email. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Fawlty Towers > Fly Swatters? Ow!: After overhearing Basil talking to Sybil about West Nile virus, Manuel takes matters into his own hands. (Glen Matheson, Bay Shore, N.Y.) Game of Thrones > Hot Frog Enemas (an anagram): Epic family squabbles lead to heated amphibious incursions. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) Game of Thrones > Man Forgets Hat, Roasts on Nest of Hornets: Cersei Lannister's ruthless cruelty is on full display when an ambassador disregards head-covering protocol. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Gilligan's Island > Nail-Sliding Gals: Ginger and Mary Ann try to summon help by making noises with a chalkboard they found on the island. (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) Grey's Anatomy > Rearrangement Eyesores: Every week, a different cosmetic surgery fail. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Gunsmoke > Men, Guns, No Keg: All hell breaks loose when the Long Branch Saloon runs out of beer. (Jonathan Jensen) Happy Days > Yappy Shad (an anagram): After jumping the shark, Fonzie takes career advice from a talking fish. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.; Melissa Muckenhirn, Urbana, Ill.) Sex and the City > Chatty Snide Ex: In this episode, Mr. Big finally gets to tell his side of the story. (Matthew Blair, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd Rock From the Sun > Fourth Rock From the 3rd Rock From the Sun: Dick, Sally, Tommy and Harry are back — this time to study Uranus. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) [Yes, Uranus is gaseous, not a "rock," but we're feeling generous] American Idol > Dear Leader Donald — Liar, Criminal, Madman, Menace: A fair and balanced docuseries from MSNBC. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.) Bridgerton > Got Bioengineering Degree: In an alternate-history London, Daphne decides to take a different approach to social success. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Young Sheldon > Holy Dungeons: Mary teams up with Pastor Jeff to create a special place for misbehaving children. (Julie Gaddy, Denver) The Ed Sullivan Show> And Now "¦ Washed-Up Auto-Tuned Divas, Live! The latest reboot attempt on Fox was not going well. (Jon Chasson) Dexter > Ted Rex (an anagram). Theodore Cleaver is all grown up and ready to rule the world. (And you don't want to know what he does to people who call him Beaver.) (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Days of Our Lives > Lays of Our Dives (an anagram): Barflies reminisce about their greatest and seediest sexual conquests. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) Seinfeld > Infidels: Jerry's Taliban jokes fall flat on a comedy tour of Afghanistan ("What's the deal with all the hand-chopping? Raise your stump if you've ever stolen a loaf of bread!") (Milo Sauer) And Last: The Weakest Link > The Least Weak Ink: Every week this game show's hostess mocks "Loser" entrants for their pitiful attempts at humor. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) And Even Laster: Project Runway > We Reject Your Crappy Entry: The Empress gets her own TV show. (Bob Kruger) And Very Lastest: How I Met Your Mother > We're Without Rhyme, Rhythm or Wit: Meeting cute at a Style Invitational Loser brunch. (Gary Crockett) Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 15: our contest for eponyms, words based on people's names. See wapo.st/invite1461. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1463, published November 21, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1463: Fork over some (new) spoonerisms Switch the beginnings of two words. Plus our Losers' latest song parodies and videos.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 18, 2021 at 11:03 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning song parodies) How is a piece of lawn furniture like a talkative nanny? One is a patio chair; the other is a chatty au pair. (Helen and Miriam Dowtin, Week 124) How is adoration of a pop group like a PBS documentary on an obscure European country? One is Beatlemania; the other is "Meet Albania!"(Steven Papier) How is a champion golfer like a genetic engineer? One makes big-money putts; the other makes pig-bunny mutts. (Paul Sabourin) This week the Empress brings back a contest she judged back when she was a wee proto-empress, filling in for the vacationing Czar for four weeks in 1995, and identified only as "a trusted toady." (The toady finally deposed him permanently in 2003.) This week: Write an original Q-A joke featuring a spoonerism, the transposition of the beginnings of different words, as in the entries above from our 1995 contest. The eponym for the term is the legendarily tongue-tied Rev. William Archibald Spooner (1844-1930); in two weeks, catch the results of our own eponym contest. Or you could just hold your breath. This week's second prize. Or you could just hold your breath. This week's second prize. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1463 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Nov. 29; results appear Dec. 19 in print, Dec. 16 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Toilet Timer ("Set the smell level"): The exiting loo user (or, as we condense it, "loser") turns a knob to circle a dial past "Hold Your Nose" and "A Little Smelly" until it dings at "Safe to Enter." Donated by Michael Rose. In our generosity, we'll also toss in some Fart Putty, some colorful goo that produces certain noises with which the Empress has no familiarity. Donated by Kathleen Delano. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Of Me I Sing" was submitted by both Beverley Sharp and Tom Witte; Chris Doyle and William Kennard both sent in the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's (published late Thursday, Nov. 18), in which she'll share the ink from that 1995 contest, at wapo.st/conv1463. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago "¦ Of me I sing: First-person song parodies In Week 1459 we sought songs whose lyrics were "sung" by a particular person. Click on the links in the titles to listen along to the original tunes. 4th place: Donald Trump (To "I Will Survive") At first I was annoyed, just a year ago, Kept thinking I could never lose to old, befuddled Joe. So then I spent so many months telling you we were deceived And you believed That I was right to feel aggrieved. You're putty, guys, right in my hands I look upon you at the rallies, up there cheering in the stands You think my lies are gospel truth, you hang upon my every word; There's no theory too far-fetched and not a rumor too absurd. Go on now go, spread all this crap! Just go repeat it, wearing your snazzy MAGA cap. Those Democrats have said the fraud stuff is a crock You think that stops me? You think I'd let down my flock? Oh no not I, I will contrive To return by any method to that crappy White House dive. I'll be back, you can be sure, At latest 2024, and I will thrive If I connive! Hey hey! (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) 3rd place: Sen. Joe Manchin (To "I Cain't Say No") I'm just a guy who must say no, Giving my fellow Dems fits — They want to save the planet, so I've gotta blow it to bits. When a person has constituents Who'd flush the ecosystem down the potty, He will fight for bigger carbon prints (Why do you think I drive a Maserati?) I just want fuels that burn and glow: I can't be looking ahead, Hearing what Greta T. said, Caring if folks wind up dead — They're not me, bro. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 2nd place and the dachshund-shaped corncob holders: Trump serenades Virginia's governor-elect (To "Ben" as sung by Michael Jackson) Glenn, I went out to campaign for you, MAGA voted in the rain for you, Now, come 2024, I hope that you'll ensure The vote will my way go — Remember who you owe. (Remember who you owe). Glenn, the RINOs say you'll be untrue, Sad! 'Cause I know I can count on you! If the tally comes out wrong, I know that you'll be strong! And do just what I say To throw the vote my way (Just throw the vote my way "¦) (Mark Raffman, Reston) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Sen. Susan Collins (To "If I Only Had a Brain") I can talk of moderation — adept dissimulation! A centrist stance I'll feign, The conclusion is foregone I'll go and side with Mitch McConnell And I'll con the folks in Maine. Odds are good, indeed the surest, I'll confirm those right-wing jurists — "Roe's safe!" I will maintain. It disturbs me very little to accede to Trump's acquittal As I con the hicks in Maine. Yes, ma'am, I've learned to scam the people up the shore, "Take your rights away? The thought I just abhor!" And then I vote, and slam the door. My concerns are deep and thorough! Just watch my brow line furrow! My head might cleave in twain! As my forehead sadly puckers, I will play them all for suckers, Yes, I'll con the rubes in Maine. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Parody crashers: Honorable mentions Leonard Cohen (To "Battle Hymn of the Republic") ("Glory, glory, hallelujah") When I wrote "Hallelujah" back in 1984, I was thrilled to have a song that everybody would adore. But a thousand versions later, I can't take it anymore. I cannot stand that song! I am sick of "Hallelujah"! All I hear is "Hallelujah"! I would shout a "Hallelujah" if I could stop that song! I used to love to hear my song, but that was long before It was played in every elevator going floor to floor. I can hear it play in Beaumont and Bayonne and Bangalore. I cannot stand that song! (Chorus) I am sick of hearing "Hallelujah" after all this time. I am weary of the words with every stilted "ooya" rhyme. And I cringe in horror when I hear the chorus start to climb. I cannot stand that song! (Chorus) (Barbara Sarshik, Vienna, Va.) Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (To "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered"): Lyrics by Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; performed by Sandi Riccardi and pianist Richard Riccardi, Asheville, N.C. (If you're not seeing the video, click here.) I'm wild again Reviled again Democracy's house I've defiled again, Deranged, dopey and deluded am I. I don't agree With AOC And so I must stalk her relentlessly, Deranged, dopey and deluded am I. There was no insurrection, Sandy Hook was a sham, Biden stole the election To push his climate scam. I crow a lot, Bash Joe a lot, And that's why I'm raking in dough a lot, Deranged, dopey and deluded? Not I! Video performance by the Riccardis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JTSKVL90Kk Eve (To the "Addams Family" theme) If Genesis you're readin', You'll find me there in Eden. A snack is what we're needin', The Adam family! I find it pretty neat here; I must say, life is sweet here! But still, we've gotta eat here — Say, what's up in that tree? Snake"¦. spake: "Partake!" Well, hesitate? I might've"¦. Until I got a sight of And got to take a bite of That apple from the tree! How dumb I was to dare it; My conscience couldn't bear it, And so I had to share it! (It brought us misery.) 'Cause just as God predicted, The tree had been restricted; So now we've been evicted, The Adam family. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Arnold Schwarzenegger (To "You'll Be Back" from "Hamilton"): You say — I shouldn't have made any sequels beyond "Judgment Day." You sigh — as I trot out another one, "Why won't this cyborg just die?" If they're bad, still the bling that they bring tends to jingle in quite a nice way. It's the best role I've had — mechanical acting's a plus for the part that I play. So"¦. I'll be back, like before, for some cockamamie future war. I'll be back; terminate any hope there won't be seven or eight. Profits rise, profits fall; I get paid regardless through it all, So despite all the flak, Though they claim they've killed the series, don't be shocked if I come back. Da da da dat da"¦. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) The Velveteen Rabbit (To "Yellow Submarine") Yes, it's true, I wasn't born, But the Boy, he doesn't care, Hence my ears are frayed and torn: Dude has hugged off all my hair. Dang! He's sick, so I'm to burn. Scarlet fever: crummy deal. Glad that fairy thought to turn My stuffed butt to something Real. Not so bad for a rabbit velveteen"¦. (Duncan Stevens) Sting's new lyrics for "My Fair Lady" (To "On the Street Where You Live") If you go to sleep, I'll be wide awake I'll be keeping tabs on every single breath you take If you take a stride, I'll be right outside 'Cause you know, darling, I'm watching you. You can call the cops, I can do the math, A judge won't be too hard on a stalking psychopath I may get a year, but I've got the gear To ensure I'm remotely watching you. Don't you see? You're mine for the keeping, Since you're gone, I've been out of my mind. That's me through the keyhole who's peeping — Do you really need that second glass of wine? Every word you say, every check you pay, If you go to dinner with your friends on Saturday I'll be on my knees — right behind those trees: Rest assured, honey, I'm watching you. (Frank Mann, Washington) President Biden (To "I Am the Walrus") I'm not old, well not that old, and I've been told That I have not looked better See how I ran, a moderate man: My win was real — Not stealing. Sitting with my pen poised, waiting for more bills to come. Overreaching liberals, Sinema's a nut case, Manchin's been a naughty boy—- why can't we all play nice? I am the man, Jack. You aren't the man, Jack. I am the POTUS — boo boo on you! Let's have no malarkey 'Cause we all know that malarkey doesn't help. Nothing gets passed, our donkey is an ass, we'll lose again No sassin' "¦ Calling lots of meetings, twisting all the arms I can. Voting rights or spending, anything that's pending, We just need a few more wins to show we get things done. I am the man, Jack. You aren't the man, Jack. I am the POTUS—- boo boo on you! (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) --- A disgruntled Republican (To "I'm Beginning to See the Light") Lyrics and performance by Jonathan Jensen (If you can't see the video, click here) To the tune of I'm beginning to See The Light, sung by a disgruntled Republican I never cared much for Democrats, I used to call lib'rals commie rats, But thanks to the jerks who wear red hats I'm beginning to flee the Right. I never attacked the GOP And Reagan was like a god to me, Now Marjorie Greene is in D.C. I'm beginning to flee the Right. Used to read and quote Ayn Rand, Proudly took a right wing stand, Then Trump came and stole the brand - It's a four-alarm dumpster fire. I've never liked left-wing dissidents. I've always thought tax cuts just made sense, But now that they've tried to hang Mike Pence I'm beginning to flee the Right. YouTube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn02Fk9xnis [youtube.com] ---- The ex-president (To "You'll Never Get Away From Me" from "Gypsy") You'll never get away from me. You are stuck with DJT every single day. Sure, you could say, "He's last year's news," But the base would just refuse to hear what you say. I dominate the GOP, Never mind the RNC. They cannot say "Bye!" They know, even if they pray, That they'll never win again Without my okay. (Irene Plotzker, Wilmington, Del.) Rudy Giuliani's Lament (To "I'm Still Here" from "Follies") I was Trump's lawyer, until we started to feud Now I'm screwed. "Fox and Friends" banned me, though I was clever and shrewd Now I'm screwed. Hosted a presser, staged it well At the Four Seasons (not hotel) Mockery swiftly ensued Now I'm screwed. With Borat's daughter, I tried to get in the mood I was lewd. And melting hair dye rendered my facemultihuedd It was crude. So who can blame me if I feel Caught in an endless blooper reel? All my endeavors to Stop the Steal came unglued And by Dominion I'm sued. I'm so screwed! (Leslie Horne, Greenbelt, Md.) Postmaster General Louis DeJoy (To "Happy Trails") Crappy mail for you — it's endlessly delayed. Crappy mail for you — my tenure makes de grade. Delivery's now so slow you're not sure whether Your parcel's been consigned to regions nether. Crappy mail for you! Send complaints prepaid. Our new "efficiency": for you, a boon. If you've got a Christmas box to send, Get it in the mail by June. Crappy mail for you! 'Less it's been mislaid. (Duncan Stevens) Dan Snyder (To "Never Gonna Give You Up") I love owning the Team, I've got my thumb planted in your eye. We keep on losing but that income stream, I couldn't let it go to any other guy. I just wanna sell you tix and jerseys, Make a profit, like I've planned—- Never gonna give this up, Always gonna let fans down, Never gonna help this town by selling. You can raise a hue and cry, Still I'll never say goodbye, Owner till the day I die, and kvelling! (Mark Raffman) Vladimir Putin (To "The Major-General's Song") I am the very model of a picture-perfect patriarch; (I rule in Mother Russia, so I also am the matriarch!) Be careful what you do, 'cause you can bet that I will surely see: I have a million eyes on you (successors to the KGB!). I love to sow dissent throughout the world! (That's why we're hacking you.) It's cheaper and it's much more fun than physically attacking you! You say your system's frozen? Well, we're famous for our ransomware And for my shirtless photos (that's because I look so handsome bare!) We're overwhelmed bycovid; our economy's an awful mess; (We try to hide these problems from the nosy international press.) But by and large, I must admit (and so must every oligarch) I am the very model of a picture-perfect patriarch. (Beverley Sharp) The composer of The Style Invitational's Most Often Inking Parody Music, which, ironically, isn't used this week, except for this: (To "Be Our Guest") Let it rest! let it rest! With my song you are obsessed! I'm composer Alan Menken and I'm mighty unimpressed! I have seen what you wrote and I will not sugarcoat: All your parodies are snoozers — it's no wonder you're called Losers! Zippel, Schwartz, Slater, Rice! They are more than worth the price; My collaborators' lyrics are the best. But yours go in the trash can — you're no Howard Ashman: Let it rest! Let it rest! Let it rest! (Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank) And Last: (To "I Will Survive") At first I was geared up, I was full of hope. Kept thinking I would find a joke that made me chuckle"¦. nope. And then I spent so many hours readin' dreck worth no reward, And I grew bored ... my eyes rolled back and then I snored! There's so much trash! What a disgrace! These feeble gags have left me here with this sad look upon my face. I should reject this stupid schlock, I should dismiss this dull debris; If I used this crap how blah the Invitational would be! Go on now, go, please take a hike, Just understand now, that your stuff I didn't like. Weren't you the one who tried to bribe me with a pie? Did you think I'd print yours? Did you think I'd find your rubbish wry? Oh no, not I, I will deprive! Oh, as long as I'm around to judge, this junk will still arrive. I've got all my life to live, but I've got finite ink to give, And I'll deprive, I will deprive! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) And Even Laster (To "Master of the House") I'm Empress of The Post, Master of the Style! Bet your stupid entry will not make me smile! Judge beyond reproach, model of respect, Love to see you toil for a piece of dreck! There's a problem with her meter, There's a problem with his rhyme, Everybody thinks they're brilliant, but they're losers every time! Empress of The Post, Master of good taste, Never let a pee-pee reference go to waste! Enter if you dare send in 25, Know that it's your sweat that's keeping me alive! If you really want that trophy, Be the one who pays the most Or you'll get no ink, you stinker, from the Empress of The Post! (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Still haven't had enough? See even more in the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group through November. Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 22: Tell what would happen if any two people switched professions. See wapo.st/invite1462. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1464, published November 28, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1464: Picture this — our cartoon caption contest Plus: From the OG: Look at these poems using new dictionary terms!(Cartoons by Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers November 24, 2021 at 9:33 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning poems using new dictionary words) We have it on excellent authority (i.e., the Empress's crossed fingers) that there is a perfect caption for each of the cartoons above — a hilarious quote, a deft description — that will seem as if Bob Staake had that very joke in mind when he drew it. It's just waiting for you to come up with it and send it to us. (Okay, maybe someone else will; we don't care who, TBH.) This week: Write a caption, either descriptive or in dialogue, for any of the cartoons above, up to a total of 25 entries. In the spirit of this holiday season, let's keep the E semi-sane and please format your entries like this: Begin each entry with "Picture A:,"Â"Picture B:," etc. (no, not with the quotation marks, silly), then follow it on the same line with your caption. This will let the E click on "Sort" with her trusty laptop and vwoom all the Picture A's are in one giant list. Since these cartoons will appear in black-and-white in the print Post, any captions that refer to the colors will run only in our online results. (Duh.) ADVERTISING Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1464 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Dec. 6; results appear Dec. 26 in print, Dec. 23 online. (Hmm, could there be a holiday-themed caption or two lying in wait?) Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a deck of playing cards featuring 54 fun facts about New Jersey, including, on the 8 of spades, what the state's tallest building is. Win this deck to find out! Donated by Loser Mike Gips, native of New York. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "New-Word Oders" is by Tom Witte, while Chris Doyle pitched in "Def Poetry." And William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. Advertisement The Style Conversational: The Empress made a holiday progress over the river and through the woods, so her supplementary online column will return next week. The "You're Invited" podcast: A new game-show-themed episode (No. 18!) with a half-dozen Losers, to be posted late Wednesday, Nov. 24. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . New-word oders: Def poetry from dictionary additions In Week 1460, we once again asked for poems using words (or usages) newly added to Merriam-Webster's dictionary at M-W.com. 4th place: FTW means "for the win" But to fans' never-ending chagrin It's not hard to foresee That our WFT Will have gone FTL yet agin. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) 3rd place: I've a typical dad bod, that's clear: Chubby cheeks, flabby arms, pudgy rear. On my head, hair I lack, But there's lots on my back, And the six-pack I carry is beer. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2nd place and the cute plush coronavirus: "Because" as a preposition: If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was The Wizard of Oz is one because Because, because, because, because, because, Because reasons. (Steve Bremner, Philadelphia) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: The fourth trimester, the months after the birth: We cuddled you close for the whole fourth trimester — We cherished that bond, and the closeness was heaven. And dear, we still love you; we don't mean to pester — But . . . leave. It's trimester one hundred and seven. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) No-ha Webster: Honorable mentions TBH ("to be honest"): My mama said: "Truth is the key. So an honest man's what you must be!" But I so love to lie — It's the way I get by. TBH, TBH is not me. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Petaflops and teraflops, huge units of computing speed: In Loudoun, massive edifices sprang up overnight. Now petaflops and teraflops are stored there. And meanwhile, all their school board meetings end up in a fight. With ordinary courtesies ignored there. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) The speed of his servers in petaflops Won't matter when Zuckerberg's Meta flops. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Cellie (cellmate): My cellie informed me the very first day To steer clear in the yard of a convict called Jethro, A Tennessee man who in high school, they say, Was once voted most likely to wind up on death row. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Dad bod: Bring me a burger, with bacon and cheese Fries on the side, and some onion rings, please. Forget that kale salad and freshly steamed cod — I'm too busy sculpting my summer dad bod. (Frank Mann, Washington) "Aquaman" hunk Jason Momoa body-shamed on Twitter for a photo showing a bit of belly fat: Hubbida bubbida Jason Momoa has Shoulders like boulders and Arms like a god. Dads who are striving for Aquamanicity Might want to settle for Jason's dad bod! (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) My doorbell camera makes my privacy complete! (Not so much for people walking down the street.) (Kevin Dopart) Pregnancy has knocked me flat. Baby's born; what's left is fat! Fourth trimester's not so hot: Wait is over; weight is not. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) An "air fryer's" really an oven; it Will not fry a thing that you shove in it. I've tried the same lie — "This spud tastes like a fry!" — But I can't trick my kids into lovin' it. (Coleman Glenn) A rash from poison oak, A sunburn raw and red, Some gorp that made me choke, A branch that whacked my head. This camping trip was dire, But here's what hurt the most: Stood too close to the fire, And had a wiener roast. (Mark Raffman) Give Donald Trump An elbow bump 'Cause when he shakes Your hand it takes A while to end For he can tend To be too slow To let things go. (Jesse Frankovich) OG: (Original Gangster, or the true original): In order to bring younger folks to the fold, My church sings a rewritten key: They scoff at our texts as outdated and old, Replete with "thy," "art thou" and "thee." But I'm grinding my teeth when we read "Jesus LOLed" And refer to our Lord as "OG." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) "Because" as a preposition: I love levity But this haiku has to end Because brevity (Frank Mann) I mourn the tragic loss of "of" In many an online yammer; The shortened form I do not love. Why not? Because, well, grammar. (Duncan Stevens) 'Twas last night that I had a sublime dream Where I conquered K2 with my climb team. That is all, there's no pun. Now this limerick's done. The last line is just here because rhyme scheme. (Gary Crockett) Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 29: Our contest for spoonerism jokes. See wapo.st/invite1463. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1465, published December 5, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1465: Put your '22 cents in with predictions for next year Plus 'Cuomotose' and other winning new terms named after people(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers December 2, 2021 at 9:45 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning eponym-neologisms) April 1, 2022: Mandates now change so often that electric "MASK" / "NO MASK" signs have been installed on D.C. street corners next to the traffic lights and "No Turn on Red." Jan. 6: Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene claims her personal liberty has been violated when a guard won't let her enter the Capitol with a surface-to-air missile launcher. May 2: Tesla stockholders are dismayed when CEO Elon Musk announces he is changing his name to Spacely and that his company will stop manufacturing electric cars in favor of sprockets. Last December, when we last made our squint into a Purell-wiped Style Invitational Crystal Ball, the Losers predicted these occurrences, among others, for 2021: Jan. 20: Trump tees off precisely at noon and is expected to remain teed off for the next four years. (Kevin Dopart) Jan. 31: Louis DeJoy refuses to leave office, claiming that President Biden's letter relieving him of his duties was lost in the mail. (Duncan Stevens) August: Three thousand passengers set sail on an anti-vaxxers-only cruise. Ten days later the ship plunges over the edge of the earth. (Lee Graham) Maybe the idea is to warn people you might explode? The socks are this week's second prize. Maybe the idea is to warn people you might explode? The socks are this week's second prize. Okay, that last one didn't happen, thank goodness. This week: Name some humorous news event to happen in 2022, as in the examples above; the last two are by Loser Malcolm Fleschner, from whose humor column we brazenly stole this timeline idea years ago. (The column is now at MalcolmFleschner.substack.com; his own Year in Preview will be out late this month.) Include a date for the event only if it's relevant; if not, the Empress will add one at random to fill up the timeline. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1465 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Dec. 13; results appear Jan. 2 in print, Dec. 30 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pretty pair of socks with a dandelion motif and, near the top, the inscription "I never fart." Donated by Loser Dave Prevar, who, well, we don't know. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Nom Foolery" is by Jon Gearhart; Jesse Frankovich and Tom Witte both thought of the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Dec. 2, at wapo.st/conv1465. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Nom foolery: Fun with eponyms In Week 1461 the Empress asked the Loser Community to coin words based on people's names. (She had called those words eponyms, but some dictionaries — including the one used by The Post — reserve that term to mean the person who inspired the word, not the word itself.) Naturally, the E got lots of tiresome entries like "Trump, n.: A big pile of smelly doo-doo." In fact, TFG gets no eponym ink this week. Not getting the reference? Click on the link in the name to see the eponym. 4th place: Trebekois, n. pl.: Snobby game show viewers who will never be satisfied, no matter who the new host is. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) 3rd place: Toobin': I'm not sure exactly what, but apparently it's doin' something with your tube. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 2nd place and the pizza hat: Ovechkinetic: Moving with speed and strength that belies one's age. Synonym: Bradioactive. (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: KevinMcCarthyism: Blacklisting people who agree to appear before a House committee investigating un-American activities. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) Terrible with names: Honorable mentions Aaron, v.: To mislead your co-workers into thinking you've been vaccinated. "It's one thing to be aaron in a Zoom meeting, but another when you're aaron in a tight huddle." (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) (Such people could also be called Nimrodgers [Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.] and Rodgerks [Jon Gearhart, Des Moines]) Manchin: A luxurious "property" owned by coal industry executives. (Frank Mann, Washington) Manchinations: The hard work of negotiating a less desirable outcome."After months of manchinations, the Democrats are pleased to announce $1.76 in new spending to support families." (Jeff Normandin, York, Maine) Ahemsworthy: So attractive that you have to alert your friend. "Ahem! Look behind you! OMG . . ." (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Gosarcasm: Lighthearted humor about murdering your co-worker. (Marty Gold, Arlington, Va.; Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Heehawley: A Stanford and Yale graduate who poses as a bumpkin for political gain. (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) All-day zucker: Someone who is on Facebook 24/7. "All-day zuckers keep the ad money flowing to Meta." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Andrewwww: The latest unsavory royal. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) A-OC: Acceptable to the extreme left of the Democratic Party. "As long as the platform contains the Green New Deal, I'm A-OC with it." (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Beelzeburb: A hellish area near a large city. "Thirteen thousand car crashes in one year? I tell you, Fairfax County is one big beelzuburb." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Interrygation: An interview on NPR's "Fresh Air." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Sorosed: To be blamed for nearly everything. "Fed Chairman Jerome Powell is coming dangerously close to being sorosed for inflation, the broken supply chain, and slow baseball games." (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.) Zen-Psaki: Extraordinary calm and competence under interrogation. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) Comeuppence: A lesson learned by being thrown under the bus by someone you stuck your neck out for. (Amanda Yanovitch) Gohmert pile: A load of Qanonsense. (Chris Doyle) Giulianesty: Sincere prevarication. "The lawyer spoke with utmost giulianesty about rigged voting machines and shirt tucking." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Connery: Being the height of cool. "Man, I wish I were as connery as James Bond." (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) Cruz: An indulgent vacation timed to get out of responsibilities. "Oh, I'll be on a cruz next week, so I'll be out of town during Mom's operation."(Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) Cuomotose: Describing a political career knocked out by scandal. "Not even Stormy Daniels could render Trump cuomotose." (Craig Schopmeyer, Kensington, Md.; Chris Doyle) Fauci pas: The grave political sin of changing your position after learning something new. (Donald Norum) DeJoyride: Driving an institution into the ground. (Chris Doyle) Chering: Methodically reworking aging body parts. "She'd already had a facelift, tummy tuck and Brazilian butt lift, but she wasn't quite finished chering her bod." (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) Meghanomics: The effect of bad PR on the British royal family's state allowance. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Eastmanure: Delusional legal strategy. "The memo urging Vice President Pence to overturn the election results was pure Eastmanure."(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Elizabeth Homes: They're advertised as mansions but are actually studio apartments. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Muskatel: A wine made from sour grapes that isn't subject to any taxation for some reason. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Shaqcess: The ability to reach items on high shelves. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Shatnerve: What you need to go into space in your nineties. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Winfree: Surprise swag found under your chair. (Terri Berg Smith) Young-kin: Politically embarrassing offspring. "The candidate's rhetoric on election integrity was undermined — or confirmed? — when his 17-year-old young-kin tried twice to vote." (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) YoungKindle: An E-reader with a built-in Toni Morrison blocker. (Dave Silberstein) Berny: Loud and obstreperous. "I told Debbie I didn't think her presentation would fly, and she got all berny. I walked away but she might still be yelling at me." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Birxa: A whole-body garment that prevents a person from speaking truth to power. Apparently, it can be removed when promoting a book. (Lee Graham) Hannitifa: A menacing cadre of Fox News fans who terrorize liberal demonstrators. (Jonathan Jensen) Belicheckered: Characterized by success and scandal in equal measure. "He may have won a lot of titles, but those cheating allegations give him a belicheckered past." (Mike Gips) Desantisize: To remove health and safety standards. "Rand Paul has decided to DeSantisize his medical practice, eliminating all masks, gloves, and the practice of scrubbing in favor of personal freedom." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Osteentation: The vulgar and pretentious display of God's blessings. (Donald Norum) DeGeneral: A boss who's conspicuously sweet to the public, but nasty to the staff. (Terri Berg Smith) Abbottoir: The Texas legislature. "The abbottoir butchered voting rights in its last session." (Chris Doyle) Bidenema: A tax needed to pay for large spending bills. "The rich need a Bidenema because current IRS laws haven't cleaned them out enough." (Jon Gearhart) Dejenner: To alter the original design. "The engineer made the control assembly fit by dejennering the radio antenna." (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.) And Last: Oh-myers: Style Invitational entries that the Empress realizes she had better not run if she wants to keep her job. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 6: our cartoon caption contest. See wapo.st/invite1464. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1466, published December 12, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1466: Be Invitationally correct Write a funny newspaper correction. Plus our job-switch winners. Let the rag out of the cat: This week's prize tissue dispenser. Let the rag out of the cat: This week's prize tissue dispenser. By Pat Myers December 9, 2021 at 9:45 a.m. EST(Click here to skip down to the winning job switches) Wednesday's Miss Manners column incorrectly stated that if a crouton falls down the dress of the lady seated next to you, etiquette dictates removing it with the sugar tongs. While that remains the case in Europe, Americans follow the precedent set by Woodrow Wilson at a 1916 state dinner, in which the fingers were used. (Mike Fransella) Due to a transcription error, the Indian prime minister's wife at Tuesday's White House dinner was incorrectly described as wearing "a sorry ensemble." (Elden Carnahan) Due to a typographical error, an obituary stated that Joseph McDonald was survived by his wife of 270 years. They were actually married for 27 years. It only seemed like 270. (Tom Witte) As the saying goes, newspapers are the first draft of history, and, well, first drafts can sometimes be, well, not quite correct. But reputable papers like The Washington Post — yes, it is one, even though it runs this column every week — make it a point to fess up when they get something wrong. Here's a contest we haven't done since the Empress's first year, back in 2004: This week: Give us a funny "correction" that a newspaper or magazine might offer, as in the examples above from Week 609. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1466. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 20; results appear Jan. 9 in print, Jan. 6 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a darling plush kitten from whose butt you pull out tissues or toilet paper. Donated by Invite Staff Prize Donor Dave Prevar, who also suggested redoing the correction contest. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Shift Workers" is by Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's (published late Thursday, Dec. 9, and featuring the Week 609 ink) at wapo.st/conv1466. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Shift workers: Job switching from Week 1462 In Week 1462 we asked Greater Loserdom to tell us what would happen if any two people switched professions. 4th place: If Genghis Khan switched places with Jeff Bezos: The Post's disclaimers would say "(Genghis Khan owns The Washington Post)" and "(Jeff Bezos owns Asia)." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 3rd place: Kamala Harris as tennis star Peng Shuai: "I'm still here. Everything is fine." Peng Shuai as Kamala Harris: "I'm still here. Everything is fine." (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) 2nd place and the toy virus microbe and antibody: Donald Trump and Rodney Dangerfield: Donald: I'm disrespected big league . . . hey, this job is easy! Rodney: The ex-Prez gets no respect, I tell ya. The other night I told the Secret Service to watch my wife — they placed a camera in her shower. I told them to find me a body double: They put a toupee on a tangerine. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Edgar Allan Poe writes children's books: "Still that hatted cat comes calling, Nameless Things with him enthralling Children who, their caution falling, Heed their parents nevermore." Dr. Seuss writes horror: "Then I heard from the floorboards a thumpety-thump, like a tocker whose ticker just started to jump." (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Worn-out flip-flops: Honorable mentions If Joe Biden and Tom Brady switched places, Tampa Bay would still have an immobile quarterback who goes to bed at 8 p.m., but the country would no longer have to worry about too much inflation. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Megan Thee Stallion and Donald Trump: Donald: Delights in making millions using the P-word, plus having "Stallion" in his name. Megan: "I won ALL the Grammys, including Best Polka." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Trump once wrote a Little Red Book; Chairman Mao once read a little book. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) If you and Elon Musk switched places, you could travel into space, and he could pay income taxes. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) A hit man as Emily Post: "Always leave your calling card." Emily Post as a hit man: "The shrimp fork should be placed between the jugular vein and the carotid artery." (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) If Imelda Marcos and Oliver Twist switched jobs, at least Oliver wouldn't have had to go barefoot. (Ilene M. France, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) Colonel Sanders and Dan Snyder: The Colonel improves the Washington Football Team's performance and the food at FedEx Field. Dan enjoys owning a franchise where pictures of breasts, legs and thighs don't get you investigated. (Mark Raffman) If Donald Trump became Harry Truman: (Pointing to his pocket) "The buck stops here!" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Euclid and Ed McMahon would both continue to excel with straight lines. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Teacher turned flight attendant: "Okay, who can tell me the velocity of this plane if we're going 500 miles an hour and we're getting there at 2:35? You, in 11B." Flight attendant turned teacher: "Watch me as I show you how to place your books in the slot on the right side of your desk." (Neal Starkman, Seattle) If Brad Pitt and Tom Brady switched lives: Every other male would still hate their stinking guts. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) If Cesar Millan switched places with Larry David, he could have a TV show called "Curb Your Dog." (Roy Ashley, Washington) If Jimmy Carter and Hugh Hefner switched places, Jimmy would be confessing to lusting roughly 24/7, while Hugh would have tried to hire the giant swimming bunny. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) If Joan Jett and Mitch McConnell switched jobs, he would be the new leader of the Blackhearts. Some would argue that so would she. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) If MC Hammer switched with M.C. Escher, the song would be "U Can't Build This." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) If Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene and NASA Administrator Bill Nelson switched roles, MTG would schedule missions to find Jewish space lasers, while Nelson would use his free time — no committee assignments — to search the skies to discover what planet MTG came from. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Pee-wee Herman and Sen. Mitch McConnell: Senate Pee-wee: "Today's secret word is 'filibuster'! Ha-ha! For the rest of the day, whenever anybody says the secret word, scream real loud!" Playhouse McConnell: "Globey melting? What an unhinged socialist delusion!" (Roxi Slemp, Bariloche, Argentina, a First Offender) If Salvador Dali and David Lynch changed places, the petunias would eat the walruses last, Emily. (Duncan Stevens) If Prince and Prince Charles switched, Great Britain would have purple reign. (Ilene M. France) Ken Jennings as Forrest Gump: "I believe you have omitted four shrimp dishes." Forrest Gump as Ken Jennings: "What is shrimp?" (Amanda Yanovitch) Juliet Clampett: Jethro, wilt thou whisk me away from these peasants to a mansion in Beverly Hills? Ellie May Capulet: Hey there, Romeo. Why'd ya haffin' go and be a Montague? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Kim Kardashian as Sir Mix-a-Lot: Kim tops the charts with "I Got Back." (Gary Crockett) Sen. Ted Cruz as Oscar the Grouch: "Why does that blue guy get free cookies? He doesn't even have a job!" Oscar the Grouch as Sen. Ted Cruz: "You're saying I get paid for complaining about everything? I love this trashy job! Heh heh heh!" (Amanda Yanovitch) The Dalai Lama as "Shark Tank's" Kevin O'Leary: "You seek $100,000 for 5 percent of your business, but you need only look inward for true fulfillment. O'Leary as the Dalai Lama: "You want me to give you the secret to true happiness? But what's in it for Mr. Wonderful?" (Lori Lipman Brown, Silver Spring, Md.) Rambo swaps with Rimbaud: They drew first blood, not I, and yet As spring soft turns to summer, it's their turn; The air is hot, the jungle wet, A thousand dreams within me softly burn, As I burn these Vietcong camps with my flamethrower. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee, Fla.) DNA scientist James Watson and Steve Bannon:Watson obtains a broader platform for his controversial views on race and intelligence; Bannon discovers the mysteries of the cell, without having to live in one. (Mark Raffman) Anthony Fauci as Jerry Seinfeld: "What's the deal with people wearing their masks on their chins? Their noses are out. Their mouths are out. Why even wear the mask? If anything, you're masking the chin — and what has the chin done to anyone?" (Joe McManus, Silver Spring, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 13: Our contest for 2022 news events. See wapo.st/invite1465. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1467, published December 19, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1467: The Year in Redo, Part 1 Enter any of 24 previous contests; plus 'callous Dow-boys' and other spoonerisms(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers December 16, 2021 at 9:51 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning spoonerisms from Week 1463) Week 1436, new plots for movie titles: Paper Moon: In Part 1 of "Back to Our Offices: 2021," a contest for best butt photocopy. (Ann Martin) Week 1421, rearrange words used in President Biden's inaugural address: "Of all my predecessors, one stands out as a president of profound conviction. In fact, I believe his greatest one still lies ahead." (Frank Osen) Week 1418, new words containing the letter block U-N-D-O in any order: Undoh: To realize you were right after all. (Dave Prevar) Last year at this time, the Empress asked why anyone would want to think back on 2020 — let's just get to next year and get it behind us! Then, six days into 2021 . . . Luke, I am your charger: This week's second prize. Luke, I am your charger: This week's second prize. The obvious reason: You get a second chance to enter the past year's Style Invitational contests. This week we look back at the first half of the year — including perennials like "joint legislation" and foal names, as well as one-offs like our cicada diorama contest (this time with your choice of bug); I'll leave you in suspense about next week's contest. This week: Enter (or reenter) any Style Invitational contest from Week 1413 through 1439, except for Weeks 1414-1416, which are last year's retrospectives plus the 2021 Year in Preview. You may enter multiple contests as long as you don't submit more than 25 entries in all. And yes, feel free to use more current references this time around. Get links to all those contests, plus important details and instructions, in this week's Style Conversational column, published late Thursday, Dec. 16, at wapo.st/conv1467. If you don't subscribe to The Post, email me at pat.myers@washpost.com and, after I ask you why the heck not, I'll give you alternative directions. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1467 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Dec. 27; results appear Jan. 16 in print, Jan. 13 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulously dorky Darth Vader USB charger that plugs into your car's cigar lighter socket, or whatever it's called now; connect your phone cable and Darth does his trademark heavy breathing. Donated by Loser Daphne Steinberg, who snagged it especially for us on the Buy Nothing platform. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Gagging Us With a Spoonerism" is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Gagging us with a spoonerism: Invite ink from Week 1463 In Week 1463 the Empress asked for Q&A jokes involving spoonerisms — in which the first sounds of two different words are switched. Thanks but no thanks for the various pairs featuring "luck," "truck," "pluck," etc. 4th place: How is an obnoxiously uncouth comic like an undressed atheist? One is needlessly crude and one is creedlessly nude. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) 3rd place: How is Orson Welles's classic film like a 10,000-piece Lego set? One is "Citizen Kane"; the other: "Kit is insane!" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2nd place and the Toilet Timer odor warning: How is southern South America like Andrew Cuomo? One is Patagonia, the other is gonna pat ya. (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: What's a demagogue's reaction to a rabid crowd at a rally? If he's rotten to the core, he'll cotton to the roar. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Kissed the mutt: Honorable mentions How did the political parties view the recent Virginia elections? To Republicans it was a fairy tale; to the Democrats, a Terry fail. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) How is a quip by the White House press secretary like a Gatorade bath for a winning Kentucky Derby rider? One's a Psaki joke; the other's a jockey soak. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) How is a Shakespeare play like the GOP treatment of Rep. Liz Cheney? One is "The Taming of the Shrew"; the other is the Shaming of the True. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.; Steve Offutt, Arlington) How is Donald Trump like Mike Pence? One traffics in fibs and lies; the other's pestered by libs and flies. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich., a First Offender) How is one critic's gushing review of a film like another critic's snarky pan? One rates highly, while the other hates wryly. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) How was Lincoln's political rise like his assassination? One was predestination; the other depressed a nation. (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii) What's the difference between Dak Prescott and Martin Shkreli? One is a Dallas Cowboy; the other's a callous Dow boy. (Mark Raffman; Scott Warner, Hagerstown, Md.) What are two things associated with a trip to Cancún? A booze cruise and Cruz boos. (Jesse Frankovich) What did Laura Ingalls Wilder call her book about smacking no-good dudes on the Great Plains? "Hit a Louse on the Prairie." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) What's the difference between a bartender and a gynecologist? One mixes the fizzes and the other fixes the missis. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.) From what two things can you hear the ocean and the Chinese president's voice? A seashell and a Xi cell. (Jesse Frankovich) How is a cook announcing dinner like a magician announcing he actually cut the lady in half? One cries, "Soup's on!"; the other cries, "Oops! Sawn!" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) How is a dirty window like a computer running Windows? With one, you want to scrub it clean; with the other, you want to club its screen. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) How is a handlebar basket like a hazardous wintertime dare? One is a bicycle's item; the other is "Icicles! Bite 'em!" (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) How is a home in the Land of Sweets like a rodent with an unpredictable temperament? One's a marshmallow house; the other is a harsh/mellow mouse. (Coleman Glenn) How is a Madeleine L'Engle novel like the couplet "The ladies of Turin/ Excrete perfumed urine"? One is "A Wrinkle in Time"; the other is a tinklin' rhyme. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) How is a public health decree like going out on the town with Rep. Waters in a Chevy Astro? One is a vaccine mandate; the other is a Maxine van date. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) How is a relief pitcher like a priest at confession? One saves the win; the other waives the sin. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) How is a stripper like a curmudgeon at a bondage party? One bumps and grinds; the other grumps and binds. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) How is a termite like a high-functioning drunk? One's a wood gobbler; the other's a good wobbler. (Tom Witte) How is a third dose of the Pfizer vaccine like someone saying "cock-a-doodle-doo"? One is an RNA booster, the other is bein' a rooster. (Coleman Glenn) How is a trendy barbecue joint like Four Seasons Total Landscaping? One is a place for foodies' ribs; the other is a place for Rudy's fibs. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) How is an Oscar Mayer wiener like Pac-Man? One is a hot dog; the other is a dot hog. (Jesse Frankovich) How is an urge for romance like lice dancing on your head? One is a booty call and the other is a cootie ball. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.; Byron Miller, Cobble Hill, B.C.) How is footwear like Donald Trump? One is socks and shoes; the other shocks and sues. (Eric Nelkin) How is Miss Piggy like 1960s Playboy bunnies? One is a nagging sow; the others are sagging now. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) How is Oscar Wilde like Meghan Markle? One brewed some rich wit; the other wooed some rich Brit. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) How was Evel Knievel's jump across the Grand Canyon like a guy who lies around all day watching porn? One is a crazy leap and the other is a lazy creep. (David Stonner, Washington) How is New England like the notorious soccer flopper Neymar? One is famous for fall foliage, the other for faux fall-iage. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) How is Mimi in "La Bohème" like a nude Siberian sunbather? One's tiny hand is frozen; the other's heinie, tanned, is frozen. (Jonathan Paul) How is a coffee-drinking dog like a 1 percent employee discount? One is a perky pet, the other a petty perk. (Jeff Contompasis) What's that movie star's rescue charity for poo-flinging monkeys? The Pitt Shelter. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) In what song did the Beatles sing about putting up with a girlfriend's snoring? "I Stand Her Sawing There." (Duncan Stevens) What happened when Jack Black was cast in an adaptation of Kafka's "Metamorphosis"? He went from rock coach to cockroach. (Mark Raffman) What's the headline when the mayor takes a taxpayer-funded vacation? "Downtime on the Town Dime." (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) What happens when Warren Buffett tags his countless descendants to tell them that whoever can lift the heaviest weight will inherit the most money? A billionaire's mention gets a million heirs benchin' (Coleman Glenn) How is the "Voices Carry" singer like a masochist's plea? One is Aimee Mann; the other is "Maim me, Ann!" (Frank Mann, Washington — who happens to be Aimee's brother) How is a reflexive, unthinking response like what Padma Lakshmi provoked? One is a knee-jerk reaction; the other's a Gene-irk reaction. (Chris Doyle) And Last: What's the difference between Chris Doyle and a Loser wannabe? One submits snazzy spoonerisms, while the other submits spazzy snoozerisms. (Bill Dorner) And Even Laster: How is Joe Biden like the Week 1463 second prize? One is the new POTUS; the other is a poo notice. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 20: Write a funny newspaper correction. See wapo.st/invite1466. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1468, published December 26, 2021 Style Invitational Week 1468: The Year in Redo, Part 2 Enter any of our past 25 contests; plus this week's winning cartoon captions. By Pat Myers Today at 9:51 a.m. EST(Click here to skip down to the winning cartoon captions) Week 1444, new sports: Marrython: The only endurance sport where you try not to reach the finish line. (Melissa Balmain) Week 1449, overlapping names: Roald Dahlly Parton: Beloved author of "James and the Giant Melons." (Pam Sweeney) Week 1451, bad "first drafts" of famous lines: "And you, my pink-eyed girl . . ." (Kevin Dopart) This week we finish our two-part opportunity to revisit the past year's contests; the 24 in this second half of our Kook's Tour include everything from haiku to insulting questions to song parodies to captions for the cartoons published today. This week: Enter (or reenter) any Style Invitational contest from Week 1440 through 1464. You may enter multiple contests as long as you don't submit more than 25 entries in all. You're free to use updated references, and contests involving content from newspapers will use current ones. ADVERTISING Get links to those contests, plus essential details and instructions, in this week's Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1468 (published late Thursday afternoon, Dec. 23). (If you don't subscribe to The Post, email me at pat.myers@washpost.com and, after I ask you why the heck not, I'll give you alternative directions.) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1468 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Jan. 3; results appear Jan. 23 in print, Jan. 20 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a board game called Really Bad Art, in which you have to scribble an illustration of one of "500 unexpected phrases!" in six seconds. Donated by the artful Loser Daphne Steinberg. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Quip Draws" is by Chris Doyle. The Honorable-Mentions head, "Ouch-a-sketch", is by Tom Witte [ed. added per Pat]. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . As we insist on doing year after year, we put up some inscrutable Bob Staake cartoons and asked for captions. The Empress received more than 1,300 entries, as many as 400 for a single cartoon. The top four captions are listed under their respective cartoons. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) Second place and the New Jersey fun-facts playing cards: "Remember when I told you where babies come from? I lied." (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Honorable mentions: "Look, it's the new robot stork, the Womb-a!" (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) "Yeah, I think it's your new sister. Go ask your mom if she paid for expedited delivery." (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) "Looks like the labor shortage has even reached the North Pole." (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Because of the stork's supply chain issues, Bobby's twin brother arrived a bit late. (Lewis Lesansky, Burke, Va.) Advertisement "It sets it on the porch, and then it rings the bell, and just before it flies away a little lighter comes out and ignites the bag." (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) "Well, that's one plastic bag removed from the ocean; only 5,000,000,000,000 more to go." (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Bowling Ball Land's "You Buy It, We Fly It" delivery service lasted all of one day. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) "And this is why McMurray's Pizza is bowl-shaped." (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Phil quickly began to regret having booked his flight in Economy Minus. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Marketing for the edgy new children's book "James and the Giant Testicle" used a novel strategy. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) Fourth place: "Tough night, Mr. Gumby?" (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Honorable mentions: "I understand, sir, but you still can't come in without a tie." (Jill Fosse, University Park, Md.) "Don't worry about getting the door, I'll just ooze underneath." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) "Jerry, it's me. It was a hard day at the lab." (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) "Looks like Mrs. McGillicuddy's dog's been eatin' her avocado toast again." (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) "Please ignore the 'No Vacancy' sign, sir. There's always room for Jell-O." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines; Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) "I happen to know I'm not the first slime to put his name on a hotel." (Sam Mertens) "You can always reapply to the co-op board in 10 million years, sir." (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) Washed-up stars are often drawn to red carpets. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) Third place: "I think I'll shop here — the D store is about to cost another $2 trillion." (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) After the state voted down Obamacare, the Springfield pharmacy could no longer afford the full Rx sign. (Leif Picoult) "Wow, Sears really has downsized!" (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) "Sesame Workshop bought up 26 of our abandoned buildings for its new marketing concept." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Fresh out of rehab, the Toys Я Us R has a new job and a new direction in life. (Ted Weitzman, Olney, Md.) "Patti works here. She says she's been selling her R's off all week." (Jon Gearhart) "I'm telling you, these owners are really pirates!" (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) The store only sold rabbits, robots and rings; still, it did better than the one next door, which sold only Quidditch supplies. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) "This one shouldn't be quite as bad as that NC-17 place." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) The winner of the Clowning Achievement: Denise Downer realized it was just no fun watching sad movies with Amy Schadenfreude. (Craig Dykstra, Centrevielle, Va.) The NRA found that showing "Bambi" to groups of job applicants was its most effective screening tool. (Larry Yungk, Wyoming, Ohio) "Hah! Ten minutes in I said, 'That dog's gonna die.' Dang, it feels good to be right!" (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) "I'm really sad, too, but you know, Botox." (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) Wedding planners and divorce lawyers tend to view movies differently. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) "Honestly, Ashley, I know sharks have rights, too, but it's just a movie." (Jon Ketzner) Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 27: Part 1 of the retrospective, for Weeks 1314-39. See wapo.st/invite1467. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1469, published January 2, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1469: Post Mortems — our obit poem contest Commemorate anyone who died in 2021. Plus we bring you the news from 2022.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers December 30, 2021 at 9:59 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to our 2022 timeline of news predictions) Baseball manager Tommy Lasorda (1927-2021) Higgledy Piggledy Tommy Lasorda was Quite the field manager — Smart, and with pluck. Angry and colorful, Vocabularically: $%&, %#!* and #$!& and &!@$! Like death and taxes, there's, well, death. And lives to be commemorated Style Invitational-style, as we do at the top of every year. This week: Write a poem of no longer than eight lines (plus an optional title) about someone who died in 2021, as in the double dactyl above by Lover of Baseball, Double Dactyls and Bad Language Gene Weingarten. Google "deaths 2021" and you'll find many lists of our, alas, always crowded field of candidates for a witty elegy. Remember that the Invite is a humor/light-verse contest, so your verse should provoke a smile rather than a blubber; but it shouldn't be ghoulish or gloating. Don't cause pain. Ask not for whom this chicken squawks. Because we''ll tell you: It's for this week's second-place entry. Ask not for whom this chicken squawks. Because we''ll tell you: It's for this week's second-place entry. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1469 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Jan. 10; results appear Jan. 30 in print, Jan. 27 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an especially garish and noisy rubber chicken, a very thin one, as if Giacometti sculpted poultry; it's complete with metallic-yellow plucked-looking "skin," a sort of scolding demeanor, and an almost frightening bleat. Donated by Recidivist Prize Donor Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The "Fauxcast" headline is by Chris Doyle; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's (beginning late Thursday, Dec. 30), featuring classic Invite obit poems, at wapo.st/conv1469. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Fauxcasts: The Losers' timeline of the news from 2022 As we do each December, we asked the Losers to tell us about the news events of next year, and compiled the timeline below. Dozens of them reported that there were so many new variants that the CDC had to go to other alphabets, or hurricane names. (Some of the events below totally contradict each other; logic is sooo old-school. 4th place: Feb. 6: At the Beijing Olympics, Xi Jinping becomes the first supreme leader to win gold in the men's downhill after the other competitors all showed up at the wrong mountain. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) 3rd place: Nov. 8: Millions of Americans drive across newly renovated roads and bridges to vote out the Democrats. (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) 2nd place and the "I never fart" socks: April 11: President Biden appoints Donald Trump as U.S. ambassador to Elba. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Jan. 6: Americans nationwide shatter the world record for collective breath-holding. Jan. 7: "The Great Exhale" sparks a nationwide frenzy for mouthwash. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) More aheadlines: Honorable mentions January: Astronomers announce the discovery of an Earth-size planet orbiting the star Proxima Centauri. Texas officials immediately designate it as the voting location for all of the state's minority neighborhoods. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) FastProstateFix.com Urologist: Enlarged Prostate? Do This Immediately (Try Tonight) Advertisement By FastProstateFix.Com Surgeon: Try This To Help Shrink Enlarged Prostate See more Elon Musk polls Twitter for name suggestions for his next baby. The winner is "XÆA-12 McXÆA-12face." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) After shouting "Kill all Democrats" on the House floor, Rep. Paul Gosar is censured again in a straight party line vote. (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) February: Amid rising disapproval for ignoring multiple scandals, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson vows to start combing his hair. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Feb. 6: Queen Elizabeth II celebrates 70 years on the throne by throwing down 50 one-armed push-ups and running a lap around Buckingham Palace. (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.) To dissociate itself from an enslaver, the D.C. NFL franchise is renamed the National Capital Football Team. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) March: Dr. Fauci finally activates the microchips in the coronavirus vaccine. Donations to charity skyrocket, and millions of people volunteer at soup kitchens. (David Young, Falmouth, Mass.) FastProstateFix.com Urologist: Enlarged Prostate? Do This Immediately (Try Tonight) Advertisement By FastProstateFix.Com Surgeon: Try This To Help Shrink Enlarged Prostate See more The Supreme Court simultaneously overturns Roe v. Wade and Brown v. Board of Education and reinstates the Dred Scott decision. Writing for the majority, Justice Kavanaugh opines, "Precedent, schmecedent." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) April: Throwing out the first pitch on Opening Day, President Biden whizzes a fastball down the middle. The Nats instantly sign him as a starter. (Daniel Helming) Democrats introduce a $10 trillion inflation relief bill. (Jesse Frankovich) Following criticism that she's aloof, Vice President Harris holds an interview and is then condemned as an attention-seeking megalomaniac. (Frank Osen) May: During a test flight, a driverless flying car crashes into the stands at a Miami Marlins game, destroying an entire seating section. No one is hurt. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) FastProstateFix.com Urologist: Enlarged Prostate? Do This Immediately (Try Tonight) Advertisement By FastProstateFix.Com Surgeon: Try This To Help Shrink Enlarged Prostate See more Russia sends 150,000 armed "ambassadors" to Ukraine for "peace negotiations." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) June: President Biden orders a chocolate cone at an ice cream parlor. Fox News denounces the "War on Vanilla." (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis bans shirt mandates. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) July: On National Postal Worker Day, the USPS confirms that the "Forever" stamps refer to the amount of time expected to deliver a letter. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Costco launches Costcoin, a high-quality Kirkland branded cryptocurrency. Consumers just wish it didn't come in such huge jars. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) August: Because of raging inflation, Dollar Tree stores are renamed Five and Dime stores, where a bottle of shampoo now costs $5.10. (Milo Sauer) Andrew and Chris Cuomo enter show business as tag team wrestlers. (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Environmentalists suspect that climate change may be accelerating when longtime denier Sen. James Inhofe, in what many view as a surprising concession, melts. (Duncan Stevens) September: Florida Gov. DeSantis makes it illegal to ask children to look both ways before crossing the street. (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.) More than a year after his official portrait was completed, the National Portrait Gallery still can't get Mike Pence to agree on the date for a hanging ceremony. (Frank Osen) The Major League Baseball lockout ends just in time for the playoffs, in which every team is included except the Orioles, because come on. (Mark Raffman) The Federal Trade Commission narrowly votes to approve Facebook's acquisition of its fifth Infinity Stone. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) October: The Houston Space Center aborts a launch after six seconds. Thousands of Texans sue in hopes of getting $10,000. (Gary Crockett) The nation is shocked when Rep. Matt Gaetz is discovered to be cheating on his wife with a woman of legal age. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Mc.) November: Texas Gov. Greg Abbott says he is "dumbfounded" about the huge increase in number of infants entering the state's welfare system over the past year. (Bird Waring, Larchmont N.Y.) Britney Spears's father is given conservatorship over Rudy Giuliani. (David Young) Nov. 9: Incoming House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy announces plans to impeach Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Hillary Clinton, George Soros, Hunter Biden, Jill Biden, Anthony Fauci and Big Bird. (Duncan Stevens) Nov. 22: JFK Jr. returns from the dead to Dealey Plaza just to tell QAnon followers they are all idiots. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) December: Trump announces his candidacy for 2024 by shooting a man on Fifth Avenue. (Sam Mertens) Anticipating another skirmish in the War on Christmas, Fox News sets up a machine gun nest on Sixth Avenue to protect its Christmas tree. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Pantone introduces the Color of the Year: a greenish brown-gray called Meh. (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) Sen. Joe Manchin introduces a bill requiring Santa to deliver a bag of coal to every child, not just the naughty ones. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Peter Jackson unveils a 18-hour documentary produced from security camera footage of the Beatles arguing in a parking garage. (Frank Osen) Dec. 25: At NASA's annual Deep State Hanukkah Party, Jewish scientists fire up one space laser, then use that one to fire up eight other space lasers. (Marty Gold, Arlington, Va.) And Last: The Empress comes down with a breakthrough case of the upsilon variant and loses her senses of taste and humor. No one notices. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 3: A chance to enter any of 25 earlier contests. See wapo.st/invite1468. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1470, published January 9, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1470: Your add here Put a 'prefix' on a name or phrase. Plus fun with newspaper corrections.(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Yesterday at 9:52 a.m. EST (Click here to skip down to the winning faux corrections) RoseBUD LIGHT: Xanadu microbrew. ("Andrew Mueller," actually Chris Doyle) toGAS FOOD LODGING: Last exit on the Appian Way. ("Sarah Gay," also actually Chris Doyle) BiarRITZ CRACKERS: The Beverly Hillbillies go chichi in France. (Helen Schaffer, not Chris Doyle) This contest was suggested by Style Invitational GOAT Chris Doyle. Before amassing his 2,000-plus blots of ink with us, Chris got even more than that (under a variety of names) in the old New York Magazine Competition, the inspiration for the Invite. Chris suggests we revisit one of its 973 contests, this one from 1995: This week: Add a "prefix" — by which we mean at least one syllable of any kind (but not multiple words) — to the beginning of any word in a well-known phrase, name, book title, etc., and describe the result, as in the examples above adapted from the NYM contest. As always with such new-coinage Invite contests, you're welcome to make your entry funnier and unique by using the term in a funny sentence. You could even add more than one "prefix" within your phrase; just be sure that the original phrase or name is still obvious. Way more cuddly than a toy virus: This week's second prize. Way more cuddly than a toy virus: This week's second prize. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1470 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Jan. 17; results appear Feb. 6 in print, Feb. 3 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. For second place: For those who would not enter our recent contest in which we offered a cute plush coronavirus with googly eyes — this week we have a cute plush vial of coronavirus vaccine with googly eyes. Donated by our drug connection, Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Comedy of Errors" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich"; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Jan. 6, at wapo.st/conv1470. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Comedy of Errors: 'Corrections' from Week 1466 In Week 1466 we asked the Loser Community to coin faux corrections to this paper or other publications. To those submitting "corrections" noting that their entries from old contests should have gotten ink: The Empress has no regrets. 4th place: An article yesterday incorrectly said Sen. Joe Manchin III wants to put "more minors back to work" in the West Virginia coal industry. Sen. Manchin is actually in favor of automation. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3rd place: Because of a typographical error, President Biden was quoted as saying, "Vice President Harris is dead to me." He actually said she was "dear to me." (Stephen Gold, London) 2nd place and the cat-butt tissue dispenser: The feature on Tesla in Wednesday's business section inadvertently omitted the word "for" from Elon Musk's statement that the company was "going for broke." (John Klayman, Fairfax, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Yesterday's opinion piece "Bald Is Beautiful" neglected to disclose that The Washington Post is owned by Jeff Bezos. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Revision-impaired: Honorable mentions Yesterday's headline "Delta Infects More Air Travelers" should have been reworded. We apologize to the airline and its lawyers. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Our review of Bright Day Vegan Restaurant should have said the dishes were "all really fresh." The use of "flesh" was inadvertent. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Yesterday's main sports section headline should have been "WFT Is Coach Rivera's Problem," rather than "WTF Is Coach Rivera's Problem?" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) A recent sports column described Daniel Snyder as having "all the charm of a squashed slug." The correct quantity is closer to one-third. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) In Tuesday's profile of calligrapher Otis Scrivener, his wife was incorrectly quoted; she actually spoke of his "magical pens." (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) Our review of "A Lingering Reek" warned of plot spoilers but neglected to include them: Clive hid the doorknobs; Aunt Janice is really Audrey's nephew; and Doris murdered the glee club. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) There was an error in our recent coverage of three alien spaceships landing near a Montana town. The corner store is Murphey's Dry Goods, not Murphy's Dry Goods. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) Yesterday's article about the Springfield High valedictorian should have said that she would be pursuing a BS-MD program, a path to medical school, rather than a BDSM program. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) We regret that the senator who is holding up all climate change legislation makes his living from the coal industry. There is no correction here; we are just sorry. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.) A recent review of a new brewery in Bethesda reported that its beer is "poured in pants." The correct word is "pints." (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) Yesterday's education column incorrectly stated that the new middle school would "offer curses in French, Spanish and Italian." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) A Retropolis article about the 1991 confirmation hearings for Justice Clarence Thomas incorrectly said that Thomas was accused of putting a "public hair" on Anita Hill's Coke can. (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.) An earlier version of this article mistakenly said that Donald Trump hosted "a group of gofers" at Mar-a-Lago. It was a group of golfers. The gofers appeared individually. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) The fashion coverage of Tuesday's White House state dinner mistakenly commented on the first lady's "stylish pimps." (John Klayman) Because of an editing error, George F. Will's column on Wednesday consisted entirely of words that readers actually know. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Due to a production error, the same "Beetle Bailey" comic strip has been running for the past 47 years. (David MacGregor, Arlington, Va.) Clarification: In our video interview with the New York Jets cheerleading squad, they said that they give the team "chants to win." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Fox News apologizes for cutting into Mr. Hannity's program last night to project that Donald Trump had been elected to a third term in 2024. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) In Tuesday's obituary of Martin J. Smith, his widow described him as "a lifelong contrarian." Mr. Smith disputes that description. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) We regret that next week's issue of Psychic Digest will contain several factual errors. (Jesse Frankovich; Sam Mertens) Editor's Note: It is Public Relations 101 to demand the correction of any element of a news story to undermine the credibility of the whole. Still, here at the Rusty Bugle we are indebted to Rep. Wayward's spokeswoman for the following clarifications: (a) He was wearing a lion costume, not a gorilla suit, when arrested at the Outskirts Motel; and (b) the young woman with him was 15, not 14, as initially reported by police. We deem it best to republish the entire corrected article in today's edition. (Tim Dobbyn, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) A recent piece about Kimberly Guilfoyle incorrectly stated that she had not been heard in Washington all year. In fact, Ms. Guilfoyle recently gave a speech in Los Angeles. (Duncan Stevens) In the birth announcements in the Your Neighborhood section, statistics were transposed for Kayla Smith-Jones; she actually was 7 pounds and 20 inches long. (David Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.) We're soooo sorry about a backward quotation mark in last week's article about sarcasm. Thanks evvver so much for bringing this important matter to our attention. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) In cave Oog paint mammoth with three leg. Mammoth have four leg. Oog sorry. (Jesse Frankovich) Last week's cookie decorating guide accidentally gave instructions for pentagrams instead of snowflakes. Readers who inadvertently summoned Baphomet in their kitchen are advised to offer him some tea and a few of the cookies and he will likely return home shortly. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) A recent article about Bob Dylan incorrectly described "Blowin' in the Wind" as posing unanswerable questions. In fact, researchers have discovered that a man, on average, must walk down 67.2 roads before somebody calls him a man. (Duncan Stevens) Because of what seems to have been a successful hack by the Lincoln Middle School IT Club, the name of the school's principal was given as Pete O. File rather than Peter Finley. (David Stonner, Washington) Our "Where Are They Now" story on Lorena Bobbitt erroneously reported that after her rise to national prominence she considered becoming a mohel. She had considered becoming a model. (Seth Tucker, Washington) An incorrect caption appeared under a photograph from the scene of yesterday's tragic mine collapse in Pennsylvania. "Be ready when unexpected guests drop in" was supposed to appear in the Food King supermarket ad on the next page. (Hildy Zampella) Last week's Second Glance feature contained 11 differences between the two photos instead of the usual 12. This was a one-time joke designed to irk our most gullible and obsessive readers. Suckers! (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) There was a misprint in yesterday's ad for the Pamper Yourself salon. It should have said that the technicians specialize in manicures, pedicures and brow jobs. (Duncan Stevens) Yesterday's edition incorrectly stated that the lengthy list of former Trump loyalists and appointees who have now been condemned by Trump included John Bolton, Steve Bannon, Michael Cohen, Rex Tillerson, Anthony Scaramucci, Jeff Sessions, Omarosa Newman, Jerome Powell, John Kelly, Jim Mattis, Mitch McConnell, Elaine Chao, Boris Badenov, Natasha Badenov and the entire Local 12 of the Villains, Thieves and Scoundrels Union. Actually, Natasha's last name is Fatale. (Steve Leifer) Clarification: While it does not refute The Post's motto, the weather was actually sunny on Jan. 6, 2021. (Peter Jenkins) Monday's profile of Elon Musk referred to him as "the world's richest person." While technically accurate, the story should have emphasized that no matter how wealthy Musk is, Jeff Bezos still owns The Washington Post. (Eric Nelkin) And Last: Last week's Style Invitational incorrectly indicated that Losers' prizes would be nailed to them. The Empress actually will send the prizes via the U.S. Postal Service; the recipients may choose how to display them. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 10: Our contest for poems about people who died in 2021. See wapo.st/invite1469. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1471, published January 16, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1471: Tour de Fours XVIII — B-I-D-E with us Our annual neologism contest. Plus Part 1 of our Kook's Tour retrospective. By Pat Myers January 13, 2022 at 10:00 a.m. EST(Click here to skip down to the Week 1467 retrospective winners) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) EDIBELL: The triangle that the ranch cook hits at chow time in those old Westerns. LOW-BARB DIET: Cutting back on the snideness. "Okay, starting January 1, I'm going on a severe low-barb diet — just two nasty tweets a day." DEBIG: Begin to fit into your pre-pandemic pants. As Yes He Is the President's second year begins, the Empress tips her tiara in our annual Tour de Fours neologism contest. This week: Coin a word or phrase containing the letters B-I-D-E — consecutively but in any order — and describe it, as in the examples above. Even with 24 possible permutations of the letters, there's a good chance someone else will send in the same word you think of, so it could come down to the funniest description, especially if it shows how the neologism could be used in real life. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1471 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Jan. 24; results appear Feb. 13 in print, Feb. 10 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a prize that the New Yorker will never give you: It's the Poo Doo Toilet Toss, a little bowl-shaped paddle that you strap onto your hand to try to catch a "mushy and sticky" poo emoji blob. A game for sadly immature people of all ages. Donated by Loser Marleen May. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Happ-Redo Year" is by Jon Gearhart; Jon also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Jan. 13, at wapo.st/conv1471. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . Happ-Redo Year: Our 2021 Retrospective, Part 1 As she does each year, the Empress invited the Losers to have another go at any of the past year's contests. In these Week 1467 results we tour the first half of the year, from everything from foal names to elaborate video parodies. 4th place: Week 1422, add a "collaborator" to a work and change the title: Elton John with Sen. Joe Manchin: "Block-It Man." (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) 3rd place: Week 1430, "breed" two Triple Crown nominees and name the "foal": Like the King x Troubadour = Henry VIII Iamb (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) 2nd place and the Darth Vader USB car charger: Week 1420, song parodies about jobs: A Famously Idle Tradesman (To "My Favorite Things") Candy Crush, solitaire, lots of sudoku, Bingeing on YouTube and Netflix on Roku, Playing the bagpipes and training my dog, When I feel clever I work on the blog. Read the Bible! I am liable To peruse TikTok; The point is I'm able to do what I wanna And all the while on the clock! Crawl in my hammock if I'm a bit lazy, Take "Master Classes" from Martin Scorsese, Starting some sourdough, learning Chinese, Hand-churning ice cream and watching it freeze. I'm not lonely! That's baloney! That's just for the ad! I'm loving my life as the Maytag repairman, The best gig I ever had! (Roxi Slemp, Bariloche, Argentina) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Week 1429, a modern equivalent to a Shakespeare quote: "I can again thy former light restore." ("Othello") "I'll deal with Texas's electrical grid after I get back from Cancún." (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Week 1421, work songs. The workers? Antibodies. (Video by Sophie Crafts, Somerville, Mass.; puppets and visual effects by her friend Alex Ezorsky-Lie) ANTIBODIES https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOVWVbNlY4k&t=14s Antibodies, protect me from a harmful disease, yes, please, Infection's going around, Antibodies, so hurry down my bloodstream tonight Antibodies, you get them through the covid-19 vaccine Get that sweet immunity Antibodies, you know that Dr Fauci is right (Bridge) When you get an mRNA vaccine Your body fabricates a decoy spike protein. Your B-cells learn their foe, and win So put away the darn hydroxychloroquine! DIALOGUE (music vamps) SOPHIE: Decoy spike protein? mRNA? What does all this mean? I wish I had somebody to explain this! ANTIBODY: [offscreen] Makes noises SOPHIE: Who are you? ANTIBODY PUPPET: I'm an antibody! There's a dang picture of me in your book! SOPHIE: Well, am I glad to see you! Can you explain what I'm singing about? AB: Sure! When you get a vaccine, your immune system learns what the germs look like. So if you get the real germs, antibodies like me are ready to destroy them! SOPHIE: Wow, so because I've been vaccinated for covid, I have antibodies that know what corona virus looks like? AB: Exactly! SOPHIE: Like this? SOPHIE HOLDS UP BOOK. AB grabs it and starts to eat it SOPHIE: No no! This is a teaching tool! AB: Oh, sorry. I can't help it! SOPHIE: So you go after everything that looks red and spiky like that? AB: Yes I do. Delicious. SOPHIE: Well now that we covered that, how about another verse? AB: [TRIES TO EAT POMPOM] Take it away! Antibodies, they're working on approving a shot for tots We wanna visit uncles and aunts Antibodies, rockin' round our lymph nodes tonight (Bridge) Before all your holiday fun begins Make sure you're loaded with immunoglobulins Or else this plague will take its toll So booster up, and let the good times roll! SOPHIE: So how many of these"¦.hormonal goblins are there? AB: Immunoglobulins! Millions! And not just for covid-19 "" we fight other infections too! SOPHIE: Wow! What does it look like when they fight infections? AB: Do you have a microscope? SOPHIE: Of course! AB: Let's take a look! Cut to: Chorus of ten little antibody puppets singing "Jingle Bell Rock" on a neutral syllable Interrupting: SOPHIE: Wow, they do that? AB: You betcha! CHORUS Instead of complaining about your rights Grow a pair"¦of lymphocytes So when you inhale a virion It stops it in its tracks (even Omicron) Antibodies are covid's uttermost enemies, you see Fighting for you and me Antibodies, SOPHIE: Let's end this epidemic tonight AB: Let's end this epidemic TONIGHHHHT Baby antibodies: mee mee mee mee mee mee mee mmee meeeee All: Let's end this epidemic tonight! If you don't see the video, click here. Retrospecks: Honorable mentions Week 1413, poems featuring new terms in the dictionary: Said an anti-vax mom in defiance: "You will never find me in compliance! It's a terrible trick That could make my child sick! (Also, ranting is more fun than science)." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Her pet zonkey makes every brow furrow. The rebukes from the public are thorough. "Miss, although it sounds crass, You've got stripes on your ass!" "It's the foal of a zebra and burro." (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Week 1417, poems about people who died in 2020: Jay Johnstone (1945-2020), Yankees and Dodgers outfielder and renowned prankster Considering the snake he hid in bread, The rooms he locked Lasorda in, then fled, The brownie that he stuffed in Garvey's mitt, The cleats (on feet!) his sneaky Zippo lit, The scissors that he used to cut a notch Where Sutcliffe's undies should have had a crotch, You've got to figure that his family hopes He's still alive — and playing them for dopes. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) CC the cat, the first cloned pet (2001-2020) CC was her given name; First cloned pet: her claim to fame. Felines of the world, take heart: "Nine lives" might be just the start! Now you needn't be "begat"; You can be a copycat! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Week 1418, Tour de Fours: Neologisms containing "UNDO" in any order: Tower of Loudoun: Where prisoners are sentenced to an unending commute. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Week 1419, combine congressional names in "joint legislation": Torres-Mann-Spartz Act to ban zippers in favor of button flies. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Week 1420, work songs: NFL Replacement Player (to "I'm a Believer") I thought I would never make the NFL Thanks to my bad hands and busted knee. Wasn't great in college, Barely made the team, All I had was shin splints and a dream. Then they contact-traced, now I'm a receiver. The team's replaced with bums they could find. I'm in luck — I'm a receiver Thanks to a fever conference-wide . . . (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Mortician (To "Gaston" from "Beauty and the Beast") Gosh, it disturbs me to see who passed on, body decaying to dust. Nobody here wants to be who passed on, even though someday we must. If anyone's full of surprises, it's you, in death's unpredictable whim. No one in sight recognizes it's you and they'll cry, "Here we gather for . . . him?" So"¦ I'll"¦ dress who passed on, and express who passed on So the mourners will not have to guess who passed on! From the moment they look in the coffin, Seeing you stiff as a plank, They'll be wondering every so often How you're looking so well, and it's me they should thank! Yes, I mold who passed on, young or old who passed on; Now come forth to the grave and behold who passed on! Though a few in the crowd find it nauseating, Bye to the guy who passed on! (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) Minister (to "Comedy Tonight") Something insightful, do-what-is-rightful, Work in at least two jokes: A homily tonight! Cheery and ireless, brimstone-and-fireless, "Man," "gosh" and "holy smokes" — a homily tonight! Okay, it's sure no Speech on the Mount: "Always restock the ol' savings account!" In pews: butts shifting? Quick, be uplifting! Nothing obscure or recondite: Dogma: no slogma! A homily tonight! (Duncan Stevens) Uber Driver (to "Hey, Look Me Over") written and sung by Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) If you don't see the video, click here. HEY, BOOK AN UBER By Jonathan Jensen, to "Hey, Look Me Over" Video of Jonathan singing it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsXieGwXoP0 Hey, book an Uber, just use the app. Please don't be drunk or give me any crap. Don't have a fight or yell at your phone. And lovers, just wait till I drop you off before you pant and moan. Well, I'll be up driving boozers home from the bar, Druggies and losers puking in my car. I can't take any more of the lunacy - get out and wave your thumb. Unemployment, here I come! Week 1421, write something using words from Biden's inaugural address: "I was brought into the world ages ago. So was Lincoln. Another example: George Washington. But I am still HERE! So there!" (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) This is my pledge as our Fellow Americans Face the most challenging Time of their lives: I promise all of you Husbands and fathers that I will make love to your Daughters and wives. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Week 1422, "collaborations": The Flamingos + Sen. Mitch McConnell: I Only Have Nays for You (Jon Gearhart) Nathaniel Hawthorne + Clifford the Big Red Dog: The Scarlet Litter (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) John Green + Dr. Fauci: The Fault in Our SARS (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Pat Conroy + Carlos Castañeda: "The Prince of Tildes" (Roy Ashley, Washington) Kurt Vonnegut + Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld and Sarah Silverman = Laughterhouse-Five (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Joe Pesci + Ron Jeremy: Goodphallus (Bill Dorner) Week 1424, neologisms from letter sets of the Spelling Bee game: THILMNO > Nothin Mint: An inferior Girl Scout cookie knockoff. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) YABELNZ > Yallzball: Alabama referee's announcement of a turnover: "Well, now it's yallzball." (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) Week 1425, captions for Bob Staake cartoons: (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) "Looks like the Boxers are planning a rumble — better warn the Briefs!" (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) Week 1426, reinterpret a real headline with a "bank head": Headline: Covid-19 Pill Is Cleared by FDA Bank: Agency okays Ted Cruz's return to Senate (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) Week 1427, history puns in pairs: 1854-64, Gregor Mendel's pioneering genetics experiments with legumes: Give Peas a Chance, or Plant Parenthood (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) 1848—55, the California Gold Rush: Financial Panning, or Get a Lode of This (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 2021: Bruce Springsteen sells catalogue for $500 million: Adam Raised a Coin, or Blinded by the Loot (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Week 1428, neologisms from ScrabbleGrams letter sets: EEHMORT > Metr'oh!: Transit service that discovers half its cars don't work. (Mark Raffman) DGIOPRY: iProd: App that delivers task reminders with 50,000 volts. (Mike Gips) Week 1429, modernize a Shakespeare quote: "My strong imagination sees a crown dropping upon thy head." ("The Tempest') "Cheer up, Charles. She can't live forever." (Lee Graham) Week 1430, foal names: Like the King x Chaos Reigns = Don T's Inferno (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Affable x Like the King = Jolly Rajah (Bruce Carlson) Captain Fantastic x Defunded = Captain Meh (Lee Graham) Week 1432, new takes on folk tales: The Three Bears Defend Their Property We're tidy-minded, law-abiding bears, But coming home today, what did we see? The place was ransacked, full of shiny hairs — A burglar in our house! Who could it be? We found a girl with golden locks upstairs, And ate a little honey for our tea. (Brian Allgar, Paris) Week 1435, dioramas or other art featuring real cicadas: (Entry and photo by Bill Dorner, Indianapolis, and by Kevin Dopart, Washington) Week 1436, different plots for movies: Cape Fear: Losing confidence in his powers, an aging Clark Kent is afraid to put on his Superman costume. (Jonathan Jensen) And Last: Week 1433, Questionable Journalism: Choose a sentence from the paper and supply a question it could answer. A. We're human beings and we have a need for restrooms. Q. Empress, why are you so confident that people are going to pick up The Style Invitational on Sunday morning? (Kevin Dopart) And Even Laster: Week 1423, headline anagrams: Real headline: As Omicron Variant Spreads, New England Hospitals Are Under Unprecedented Strain Rearrange all those letters and get: And Losers Are Under Unprecedented Strain as Invite Woman Plans to Spread Chagrin (Jesse Frankovich) Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 17: Our contest to tack a "prefix" onto a name or phrase. See wapo.st/invite1470. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1472, published January 23, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1472: Phony money Tell us fake trivia about the financial system. Plus Part 2 of our 2021 do-over contest. By Pat Myers January 20, 2022 at 9:49 a.m. EST Click here to skip down to our Week 1468 retrospective winners. Bob Staake for The Washington Post "–² Contrary to popular myth, John D. Rockefeller did not give a dime to every person he met; however, he did offer each of them a spoonful of his tapioca pudding. — In 2015, several PriceWatercloset executives were forced to resign after the revelations of wild nights of triple-entry bookkeeping. — In seven different congressional sessions, various NRA-supported senators have sponsored legislation to replace the 13 arrows on the $1 bill with 13 assault rifles. Once again, The Style Invitational does its best to get taken down by Facebook for spreading misinformation. By the Empress's count, it's our 23rd contest for fake "facts" about various aspects of our world; last year it was the law and judicial system. This week: Tell us some fake trivia about money or the financial system, as in the examples above, the first by Our Own Bob Staake and the others by Loser Extraordinaire Duncan Stevens, who still, at least until the results run, works for a federal financial agency. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1472 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Jan. 31; results appear Feb. 20 in print, Feb. 17 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, given our contest's theme, $130,000. Oops, wait, you don't have anything on us. Second place actually receives this adorable weird glitter globe featuring tourist landmarks of Tokyo, including its version of the Eiffel Tower and a dazed-looking woman who is presumably drowning. From the collection of globe-trotting Loser Cheryl Davis, who deaccessioned several similar gewgaws on the E. This one doesn't leak. If you have a yen for a knickknack from Tokyo, just place second in our money-fictoid contest. (TWP) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Wince and Repeat" is by Craig Dykstra; Both Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Jan. 20, and featuring classic Invite fictoids, at wapo.st/conv1472. And from The Style Invititational four weeks ago ... Wince and repeat: Part 2 of our 2021 do-over In Week 1468, the second half of our 2021 Kook's Tour, we gave the Loser Community another chance to enter any of 24 contests that ran from last June to November. 4th place: Week 1453, change the meaning of a book title by adding a subtitle: No Bad Dogs: Living With Corns, Calluses and Bunions (Jennifer Martin Broadway, Marquette, Mich.) 3rd place: Week 1450, how future anthropologists would interpret our society: In the early 21st century it became popular to have one's nostrils professionally cleaned. People would queue up, sometimes for hours, to obtain this service. (John Klayman, Fairfax, Va.) 2nd place and the Really Bad Art board game: Week 1451, bad first drafts: "Yesterday, December 7, 1941: A crappy day we'll never forget, amirite?" (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Week 1449, first-person songs: Norman Bates (to "Wouldn't It Be Loverly") All I want is a motel where No-good dames on the lam I'll snare, One lonely rural lair, Oh, wouldn't it be Motherly? Mom folds towels and she makes the bed, Shows the guests where to rest their head— Yes, fine, they end up dead, But still, it's very Motherly. Oh, so Motherly when there's lots of lovely blood to spill, Someday we might have a guest that Mother won't want to kill, Someone's head resting on my knee, Where's the rest of her? Don't ask me, One more maternal spree! Ah, yes, that's very Motherly. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Redoofuses: Honorable mentions Week 1440, song parodies about the news: Retrospective on the Trump Administration (to "Be Our Guest) What a mess! What a mess! Left that once-revered address In a shambles; now he rambles, blames antifa and the press. Shattered norms, petty graft; science, ethics got the shaft, While his obvious ineptitude just heightened people's skeptitude. And then, in defeat, clownish, crude attempts to cheat Fell apart as we watched Rudy deliquesce; Just hope he finds it humbling that he went out bumbling, Ugly: yes! We assess: what a mess! (Duncan Stevens) Week 1441, summarize a song as a limerick: For Simba, "Hakuna Matata" Was advice to not do what he oughta: The theme of this show Is not "let it go," But "always avenge your dead fadduh." (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Three Blind Mice The trio of mice appears glum; Their actions were really quite dumb. Rationality fails. See, they might still have tails "" If they hadn't run "after" but "from." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Week 1443, legislation with contrived acronyms: The LAUNDRY Act: (Launch All Unwashed, Nauseating, Disgusting Raiment Yonder): A bill allocating three extra hampers to every house under quarantine with teenagers. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) — The Commend Our Unbelievable Patriots Act to capture the hearts and minds of true Americans. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Week 1444, Name a new sport: Mixed marital arts: Couples juggle in-law visits when Christmas and Hanukkah overlap. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) — The poll vault: The bar for voting in Texas just got a lot higher. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) — The modern spintathon: Sitting for consecutive Sunday morning interviews on ABC, CBS, CNN, NBC and Fox News. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Week 1446, words and clues from a partially filled in crossword grid: YesNo: How a distracted spouse answers the question "Do I sound like my mother?" (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Week 1447, translate a quote into "plain English": George F. Will: "But the incorrigibly non-revolutionary proletariat has disappointed History-worshipers' expectations of a climactic class struggle." Plain English: Plebeians will be plebeians! (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.) Week 1449, overlapping names: Rand Paul of Tarsus: "Love one another. Except Fauci — everyone hate on him." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Week 1450, how space aliens or future scientists would interpret our society: Records are fragmentary, but it appears there was once a divine being who walked the earth, performed miracles and was called Chuck Norris. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) You can lament all you want about Earthlings destroying their planet, but if they hadn't had to move here, Mars wouldn't have Taco Bell. (Steve Leifer) Week 1451, bad first drafts: "You know what's hot and moist? A summer's day!" — Shakespeare (Mark Raffman) —" Hey! You! Stay six feet away from my cloud!" (Mary J. Kelly, Great Falls, Va., a First Offender) — " "¦ never send to know for whom the bell tolls. It's for thee obvi." (Jeff Contompasis) — "It's hard to believe it's been 80-some years ago "¦" (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) — "You and the Force have a nice day!" (Neal Starkman, Seattle) — "Bond. Jimbo Bond." (Selma Ellis, Rolling Meadows, Ill.) — "Play it, Sam. Play 'Future Sex Love Sounds' by Justin Timberlake." (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) — "Ich bin ein Frankfurter." (John Klayman) Week 1452, neologisms "discovered" in a word search puzzle: Exit trap: That internet prompt that asks if you really want to leave a website, and both options seem like a trick. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) — Q-rated: Unsuitable for all audiences. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) Week 1453, change the meaning of a book title by adding a subtitle: Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy: Career Options for a Gig Economy (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) Killing Lincoln: The Case for Doing Away With Pennies (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) The Green Mile: Delaware and New Jersey's Twin Toll Bridges (Jeff Contompasis) The Tipping Point: Dining Out for Dummies, Part III (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.) Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee: A Recent History of Washington Quarterbacks (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Week 1454, haiku with a pun: Joe Biden's scion Like Trump Jr. before him: Terrible hunter (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Week 1455, good idea/bad idea: Good idea: Post videos of your cat. Bad idea: Post videos of your catheter. (Mark Raffman) Good: Getting shots and returning to the workplace. Bad: Doing shots and returning to the workplace. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax) Good: The wedding bed on your honeymoon. Bad: Wetting the bed on your honeymoon. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Good: Marry for love. Bad: Marry four loves. (Hildy Zampella) Good: End your day with a cold beer. Bad: End your day on a cold bier. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) Good: Showing a smile to everyone you meet. Bad: Smiling and showing everyone your meat. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Good: Be kind to mean people. Bad: Be kind of mean to people. (Hildy Zampella) Good: Gravlax on toast. Bad: Gravel on toast. (John Klayman) Week 1456, snarky questions: Did you get an even bigger SUV, or did the Ever Given just dock in your driveway? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Week 1458, use the letters in a TV show name to make a new one: Iron Chef > Oh No! Rice Fire!: The paella segment goes awry. (Frank Mann, Washington) Seinfeld > Life in Endless Idleness. Jerry and his friends hang out and talk in his apartment. Later they go to the diner and talk. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Dragnet > Red Agent: It's revealed that Sgt. Joe Friday is a commie. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Week 1464, caption a Bob Staake cartoon: Storefront with big R on front; man and woman passing: "Um, no, Ernest, I don't think you can buy a wrench here." [ed., 1-23-22] Caption by John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md. Week 1459, first-person songs: Sung by Vice President Harris (to "I Feel Pretty") I feel petty, oh so petty, But so ready to be a VP! Biden said he Would surely give a decent job to me. I'm neglected, and rejected, But expected to do something grand I hope this year My portfolio will soon expand. See the trashy news in the papers here, Claiming that my office is a zoo Such a petty press, such a petty mess, but I must confess everything is true! I feel streamlined, if not sidelined, But in my mind the next big event: '25 "" when I'll be the president! (Arnie Rosenthal, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) Sung by President Biden (to "One" from "A Chorus Line") One cause of consternation: Every little step Xi takes; One chilling confiscation: Every move that Xi makes. One hypersonic assault, and I swear, we're through!(You know we'll never be chummy with you-know-who...) One hack into our systems, And you can forget the rest, For we will be second best — To none, son! Ooh! Sigh! Who's the source of tension? Do I really have to mention Xi's the one! (Beverley Sharp) Week 1465, predictions for 2022: Ted Cruz, desperate for acclaim, renames himself "Brandon." (Duncan Stevens) And Last: Good idea: Sending a joke by which the Empress is pleased. Bad idea: Sending a joke to which the Empress says "Puh-leeze!" (Jesse Frankovich) Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 27: Coin a word or phrase including the letter block BIDE in any order. See wapo.st/invite1471. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1473, published January 30, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1473: Sign Right Here Give us a message for a road sign or barbecue marquee. Plus obit poems for ex-folks of 2021. By Pat Myers January 27, 2022 at 10:07 a.m. EST Click here to skip down to the winning obit poems Created on the highway sign generator at atom.smasher.org, an inking entry from Week 672 by Art Grinath (atom.smasher.org) HONK IF YOU'RE AN IMPATIENT MORON REST STOP CLOSED CROSS LEGS NEXT 23 MILES (Sue Lin Chong) ENTERING NYC INCREASE SPEAKING SPEED (Phil Frankenfeld) This week we return to a contest we did 15 years ago, when we were tickled by this goshdarn newfangled website where you could type in a message for a highway sign and ding! you get a photo! Loser Every Year Since Year 1 (that would be 29 of them) Stephen Dudzik alerted the Empress that the very same site, atom.smasher.org, is still around, looking much as it did in 2006. This week: Write a funny message for the overhead highway sign (like the one above by Art Grinath from Week 672) and/or the barbecue joint sign pictured below. Maximum length for either sign: 4 lines, 19 characters per line including spaces and punctuation, but shorter might be better. You can make your own pictures with the sign generators, but you don't have to for the contest; just send us the text. (IN ALL CAPS, PLEASE.) Your other option. (atom.smasher.org generator/atom.smasher.org) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1473 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Feb. 7; results appear Feb. 27 in print, Feb. 24 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, so usefully in midwinter, Derriere Repair Anti-Chafe Balm, a soothing cream that, we suppose, is a step up from other skin pamperers we've given out, Anti Monkey Butt powder and Boudreaux's Butt Paste. Donated by baby-smooth Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Grave Ribbery" was sent in by both Kevin Dopart and Jeff Contompasis; Gary Crockett wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See the 2006 sign messages in this week's Convo, published late Thursday, Jan. 27, at wapo.st/conv1473. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Grave ribbery: Our obit poems for 2021 In Week 1469 we asked you to commemorate those who died in 2021. Along with the celebrities, the Loserbards also recounted the unusual demises of some otherwise unknown folks. Several Losers couldn't resist celebrating the famed mathematician Jacques Tits, but not in an inkworthy way. (I'll share a few in The Style Conversational.) 4th place: Spencer Silver (1941-2021), co-inventor of Post-it Notes In times gone by, we'd have a thought— Some name or date or debt— But, lacking a convenient spot To jot it, we'd forget. Now, thanks to Silver, we can scrawl That date or debt or name— And, having stuck it on a wall, Forget it just the same. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 3rd place: Prince Philip (1921-2021) The consort, loyal to the bone, Leans back on his celestial throne, And thinks, "Though death is far from dandy, Thank the Lord I'm done with Andy." (Stephen Gold, London) 2nd place and the bleating rubber chicken: G. Gordon Liddy, Watergate "plumber" (1930-2021) Said the angel, "There's nothing been taken, But a noise just now caused me to waken!" Said Saint Peter, "Don't fear, Nothing happening here, It's just Liddy "" another botched break-in." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Betty White (1922-2021), Ed Asner (1929-2021), Gavin MacLeod (1931-2021), Cloris Leachman (1926-2021) One played Sue Ann, then Rose, with ease, The next, Lou Grant, then Lou's reprise, Murray turned Stubing — anchors aweigh! While Phyllis became Frau Blücher — "neigh!" We wish for these four friends of Mary A peaceful road to Tipperary, And along that road, with song and dance, We wish them seltzer down their pants. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) Lite biers: Honorable mentions An unnamed 39-year-old man in Spain Were dinosaurs ferocious as they roamed the Earth? You bet! But now it's common knowledge: they no longer pose a threat. Or do they? Even though you may not see them coming at you, A guy in Spain got swallowed by a stegosaurus statue! It seems he dropped his cellphone down the monster's throat (bad luck!); He jumped in to retrieve it, and he died 'cause he got stuck. No passersby were present (when you need them most, they vanish!), So no one heard a stegosaurus yelling "#%$%#" in Spanish. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Rush Limbaugh (1951-2021), radio host No friend to women or people of color, His listeners outraged and aggrieved. Ash Wednesday he left us to go meet his Maker; Boy howdy! Was She ever peeved! (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) Michael K. Williams (1966-2021), actor in "The Wire" Soft whistling greets the dawning day. The duster swirls; he's on his way. Up in heaven, harps stop strummin'. Saint Pete's nervous: "Omar comin'." (Diane Lucitt) Felix Silla (1937-2021), actor (To the "Addams Family" theme) His costume was a killa, more hair than a gorilla, As played by Felix Silla, the Addams Cousin Itt. When visitors would meet 'im, although they never seed 'im They'd scream as he would greet 'em, the Addams Cousin Itt. [snap snap] Boy's [snap snap] voice [snap snap] annoys. His costume was a rare piece, a TV made-to-scare piece; May he now rest in hairpiece: the Addams Cousin Itt. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Bob Dole (1923-2021), senator, defeated presidential candidate, Viagra spokesman After Dole lost his battle with Bill, Many thought he was over the hill. Then, a comeback surprising: His star began rising, All thanks to a little blue pill. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Ron Popeil (1935-2021), infomercial pitchman: "Grim Reapers should try it! It slices! It dices! Mortalit-O-Matic! Buy four!" His scythe, it would seem, for its purpose suffices— "But wait!" Sorry, Ron, there's no more. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Betty White, Ed Asner, Gavin McLeod Sue Ann and Lou and Murray died, And with the loss of them, The newsroom has gone quiet now At WJM. Our loss is heaven's gain, though, for I'm sure they've gone up there "" Unlike that hat of Mary's that's Still hanging in midair. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Maki Kaji (1951-2021), "father of sudoku" I. For years, Kaji-san, We strove to fill your boxes. Now you fill your own. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) II. I'm positive he met his fate At either 1 or 3 or 8.(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Archbishop Desmond Tutu (1932-2021) He opposed segregation, as everyone knows, A barrier-breaker at heart; Yet his heavenly home's nowhere near his old foes; Let's just say that they're quite far apart. (Duncan Stevens) Hal Holbrook (1925-2021), actor The Samuel Clemens one-man show: His signature conceit. Now off to heaven watch him go; That's where the Twains shall meet. (Duncan Stevens) Eric Carle (1929-2021), children's book writer and artist I. The very hungry caterpillar Binged on ice cream, cake and pie And yet emerged a butterfly "" A second life after feeling yucky! (His creator wasn't quite so lucky.) (Frank Mann, Washington) II. In Eric's final chapter There's a plot that makes some squirm. The spoiler: it's no butterfly, Just a very, hungry worm. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Rush Limbaugh Young Rush dodged the draft, claiming pain to his aft— A cyst on his rear was his pass; Spent the rest of his days in a venomous haze, A race-baiting, bile-filled mass. So we now bid adieu to this noxious yahoo With the charm of a boil on the ass. (Duncan Stevens) Bernard Madoff (1938-2021), swindler Shandeh to his people, betrayer of their trust, His clients left with bupkis but loathing and disgust, And after all the tsuris, and livelihoods destroyed, Now Bernie's in another place — he's ganef to the void. (Mark Raffman) Lou Ottens (1926-2021), inventor Lou Ottens invented the compact cassette, A most innovative utensil That gave you your music in minimal space And new use for your Number 2 pencil. (Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank) Samuel E. Wright (1946""2021), actor and singer The voice of Sebastian, that crab so renowned, Went from "Under the Sea" to under the ground. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Alan B. Scott (1932-2021), pioneer of botox Admirers did their best to mourn him, though it Was hard for them to find a way to show it. (Melissa Balmain) Walter Mondale (1928-2021), vice president This great had his day -- his spirit looms large, A heartbeat away, but never in charge. And who'd contradict this veepish obit: That bucket he kicked? 'Twas filled with warm spit. (Mark Raffman) Michael Collins (1930-2021), astronaut He flew to the moon on Apollo 11. "Remain in the ship," ordered Mission Command. In April, his soul reached the surface of heaven, Where God Herself granted "permission to land." (Bob Kruger, Rockville) Carla Wallenda (1936-2021), high-wire walker The last living child of Karl Wallenda has closed out her act without further addenda. The Flying Wallendas have no more agenda for her, though she once left the firmness of terra and glided as high as the highest Sierra. The passing of Carla willenda great era. (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii) Donald Rumsfeld (1932-2021), secretary of defense You should know your unknowns, Rumsfeld said; It's the unknown unknowns you should dread. But the biggest unknown Could be in the known zone If we knew if he knows he is dead. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Prince Philip A lifetime of walking two paces behind, Having promised, for better or worse, That you'd follow wherever her footsteps would wind — You finally got somewhere first. (Beryl Benderly, Washington) Hank Aaron (1934-2021), longtime record holder for most career home runs Haiku for Henry Aaron With unique verse form: Seven, five and five. (Ken Kaufman, Derwood, Md.) Igor Vovkovinskiy, who stood 7-8 1"„3 When Igor Vovkovinskiy died, His undertaker measured, sighed, Then ordered up a custom coffin To send this near eight-footer off in. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Spencer Silver, inventor of the adhesive on Post-it Notes "So the thing is, whenever you glue it, It doesn't take much to undo it." How'd he drum up support For a paste that fell short? Paradoxically, just sticking to it. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Willard Scott(1934-2021) and Doug Hill (1950-2021), meteorologists Willard Scott and Doug Hill are now working together On air up in heaven reporting the weather: "Today we'll have sun and a cool, gentle breeze, While in hell, yet again, it's 500 degrees." (Chris Doyle) Charlie Watts (1941""2021), Rolling Stones drummer A much-loved musician's departed, And all of the world mourns the loss. So bang the drum slowly and sadly, For Charlie Watts now gathers moss. (Brendan Beary) Michael Apted (1941-2021), documentary director Michael Apted earned renown For "7 Up" — But now? Six down. (Seth Tucker, Washington) John Madden (1936-2021), NFL coach John Madden loved football's physicality. Ironically, he achieved immortality By putting his name On a video game "" So much for corporeality! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Salman Mizra, who used glue instead of a condom I. With Salman and lady in need of protection, Applying epoxy was sure to succeed. This makeshift idea, on further reflection, Accomplished its purpose; he never will breed. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) II. With no condom, but still seeking kicks, This guy got himself into affix By applying epoxy. What a horrible proxy! He got off, but just over the Styx. (Frank Osen) Larry Flynt 1942-2021, Hustler magazine publisher If you prefer to spend the night (As is your First Amendment right) Engaged in the pursuit of smut, Entranced by pics of boob and butt, Then celebrate the life of one Who urged that it was harmless fun. How melancholy to reflect That just his tombstone's now erect. (Stephen Gold) Two unnamed drivers on Interstate 80 near Berkeley, Calif. Driver One and Driver Two were on the interstate; Their vehicles collided; they hopped out for a "debate." The fuss about whose fault it was (I think you will agree) Became irrelevant when they got hit by Driver Three. The needless loss of life (you must concede) was quite a bummer; We sadly say goodbye to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumber. It might be on their headstones, 'cause I'm sure they'd like to say: "That other guy's an idiot! I had the right-of-way!" (Beverley Sharp) Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 31: our fictoid contest for fake trivia about money and the financial system. See wapo.st/invite1472. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1474, published February 6, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1474: Hyphen the Terrible Combine parts of hyphenated terms to make a new term. Plus winning 'prefix' neologisms. By Pat Myers February 3, 2022 at 10:02 a.m. EST Click here to skip down to the winning "prefix" neologisms from Week 1470(Bob Staake for The Washington Post) "–² Di-rector + doz-ens: Rector-doz: A sermon so boring that even the pastor falls asleep. (Beverley Sharp) Assess-ment + in-formation: Assessin: Someone who kills good ideas by saying, "I think we need to study this more." (Jeff Contompasis) Hem-orrhoid + mem-oir: Hemoir: A life story that comes to a painful end. (Lawrence McGuire) Here's a look-through-the-paper contest that The Style Invitational used to do all the time, but not for more than five years. This week: Combine one side of a hyphenated word or phrase with one side of another such term — either side can be the end or the beginning — to create a new term, then describe the result, as in the examples above from Week 1196 in 2016. AND! Both halves of the term must come from the same issue of a newspaper (The Post or another one) or published the same day on its website, from Feb. 3 through Feb. 14. It can be in an article, headline, ad, whatever, as long as both parts come from hyphenates — anything with a hyphen. Include the hyphenates you're using, as above. (See the entry form for more notes on formatting, etc.) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1474 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Feb. 14; results appear March 6 in print, March 3 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a true rarity: It's the very first model of the Style Invitational Loser Mug for runners-up, made in 2007 and recently regifted to the Style Invitational Prize Bunker by 364-time Loser Dave Zarrow, who has been an Invite runner-up, I swear, 49 times (though mostly before we gave out mugs). Designed by Our Own Bob Staake, the mug features a brain-region diagram with "dinner," "sex," etc., and of course the largest lobe, "The Style Invitational." Best of all, it bears the contest-winning slogan, submitted by both Chris Doyle and Beverley Sharp for Week 715: "This Is Your Brain on Mugs." Our first Loser Mug, first issued in 2007, and regifted to be this week's second prize. (The Washington Post) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Fool Frontal" was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Kevin Dopart; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Feb. 3, at wapo.st/conv1474. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Fool Frontal: 'Prefix' neologisms from Week 1470 In Week 1470 the Empress saluted (i.e., stole from) a contest from the old New York Magazine Competition in which you insert a "prefix" — really, anything of a syllable or more — before any word in a name, phrase or title. 4th place: PassWORDLE: High-stakes game where you have to remember your login info in six tries. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: ForGETTING TO KNOW YOU: At the senior center, you get to meet new people every day! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2nd place and the toy plush vaccine vial: NiTWITTER: The Former Guy's new social media platform? (Frank Mann, Washington) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: UnZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH: Step 1 in boys' toilet training. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Failed start-ups: Honorable mentions PedanTIKTOK: Insufferable videos featuring nitpicky grammar quibbles, but at least they're only 15 seconds long. (Jesse Aronson, Arlington, Va.) SarDINING CAR: Breakfast rush on the Acela. (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) SliMY PILLOW GUY: Maybe not the best adviser on ethical issues. (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) StereoTYPEWRITER: When you're writing a novel "old school" — complete with the ditsy blond secretary, the jolly fat guy, etc. (Mike Swift, Crawfordville, Fla., a First Offender) THE dumBEST IS YET TO COME: Louie Gohmert announces a run for president in '24. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) MisheGOTHIC ARCHITECTURE: Pointy arches, ribbed vaults, stained glass, flying buttresses — enough already! It's only a doghouse. (Arnold Berke, Chevy Chase, Md.) A vieWING AND A PRAYER: The funeral following a "hold my beer" stunt. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) BBSEE YA!: "Auntie Beeb" attempts to shed the network's prim image with a zingy sign-off. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) AOC3PO: She'll debate you in over 6 million forms of communication. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) EsCHEWBACCA: For the Wookiee, no nookiee. (Mike Ostapiej, Ravenel, S.C.) CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE One-THIRD KIND: Earthlings are relieved to discover that the visiting aliens are two feet tall. (Duncan Stevens) AntiGONE IN 60 SECONDS: A top title in the CliffNotes Extreme Speed Ancient Classics collection. (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.) DaDA VINCI: A student of Leonardo who added mustaches to the portraits. (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) CriMEA CULPA: The apology Ukraine will never get from Putin. (Chris Doyle) AusTEN-FOUR: The CB channel for the Long-Haul Truckers' English Lit Book Club. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) DateLABRADOR: Each canine rated the other 4.5 out of 5. Update: No further sniffing. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) DeJOY TO THE WORLD: "When your gifts arrive two months late, it's like Christmas all over again, right?" (Sarah Walsh) Q-TIP OF THE ICEBERG: A teeny-tiny part of a teeny part of a much, much, much larger problem. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) ForeGONE WITH THE WIND: Frankly, my dear, Rhett never did give a damn. (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) PrenUP ON THE ROOF: An older, wiser Carole King knows it's not enough to ask if he'll still love her tomorrow. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Low-CALIGULA: An insanely tyrannical diet coach. "You'll have FOUR grapes "¦" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) HairBALL AND CHAIN: Your emotionally demanding pet cat. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.) EuroTRASH TALK: "Can you believe it? She paid $30,000 for one kilo of that caviar, and it wasn't even golden. And I heard she colors her shoe soles red." (Roy Ashley, Washington) InterMISSION: IMPOSSIBLE: When there are still three big musical numbers to go before you can get to the bathroom — will you self-destruct? (Sarah Walsh) IQANON: No intelligence to be found on this group. (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) iRON RIVERA: The only coach who can withstand Dan Snyder. (Frank Mann) ForGETTYSBURG ADDRESS: "Fourscore and — dang, how many years ago was it? — anyway, no matter "¦" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) InsERECTILE DYSFUNCTION: Isn't it sad to see those far-right groups feuding? (Bruce Reynolds, Grand Rapids, Mich.) RePENTHOUSE: The least pleasurable porn magazine ever. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) MastoDONALD: A huge, primitive creature, often found bellowing near swamps, that sadly is not yet extinct. (Stephen Gold, London) McMANCHIN: A large if undistinguished edifice purchased with coal profits. (Mark Richardson) TarMAC AND CHEESE: Takes al dente to a whole new level. (Jonathan Jensen) TeleporTED CRUZ. A pleasant daydream. (And more proper than defenestraTED.) (Jonathan Paul) THE braggART OF THE DEAL: "I aced my dementia test." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) THE SIXTH nonSENSE: "If you didn't know the TV footage was a video from January the 6th, you would actually think it was a normal tourist visit." — Rep. Andrew Clyde (Neal Starkman, Seattle) TiktOK BOOMER: What your kids say when you ask, "What the heck are you watching?" (Chris Doyle) wiNO PASSING ZONE: Oh great, just when the road gets curvy. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) WE BUILT THIS ToxiCITY: "The Story of Twitter." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) McCarTHY WILL BE DONE: Rep. Liz Cheney's secret prayer. (Fred Shuback, Silver Spring, Md.) SnOBJECTION: The appendage "sn" is a mere consonant cluster undeserving of the name "prefix," and in fact the rules of this contest insisted on a full syllable. (Jonathan Paul) [Indeed. Not to mention that the common noun "objection" fails to qualify as a "name, phrase, title, etc." — The Empress] DisroBE OUR GUEST: What you hear at a Chippendales audition: "Disrobe our guest, disrobe our guest, doff his shirt and bare his chest!/ Do it now, then drop his trou/ To see if he leaves you impressed." (Chris Doyle) WannaBE OUR GUEST: Song parody that didn't get ink in The Style Invitational. (Mark Raffman) And Last: I ALONE CAN preFIX IT: Trump declares certain victory in Week 1470 of The Style Invitational. (Chris Doyle) Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 7: Our contest for road sign or barbecue marquee messages. See wapo.st/invite1473. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1475, published February 13, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1475: Hail to the Commanders! Write a song or cheer for D.C.'s newly renamed NFL team (or another local institution). Plus winning neologisms. By Pat Myers February 10, 2022 at 9:55 a.m. EST Click here to skip down to the winning Tour de Fours neologisms Write a song or cheer for the Washington Commanders — or another D.C. institution. (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) Hail the Commanders, Come fill the stands! Don't mind the owner, Or where he puts his hands! And we have a name! Washington's football team, formerly known as the Washington Football Team, and before that the Washington Racial Slurs, is now the Commanders. Let's go, Commies! And since we'll no longer be singing "Hail to the Racial Slurs," we need a new song, yes? This week: Write a song (set to any familiar tune) or shouted cheer for the Washington Commanders. OR: Write one for any other D.C. institution, e.g., the Metro, the Senate, the National Zoo, The Washington Post. Loserbard and Style Invitational Hall of Famer Mark Raffman suggested the contest and wrote the fine serenade above. You could even do a video! Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1475 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Feb. 28 (you have an extra week!); results appear March 13 in print, March 10 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this surprisingly well made pair of turkey-leg-motif high-rise socks. When it's time to visit the future in-laws for Thanksgiving, what could be more appropriate? They should fit either gender's feet, though they might not reach over everyone's knees; the Empress, who models them here, is not a tall bird. They're the bird's knees: Turkey leg socks, this week's second prize. (Pat Myers) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "GooDIE Bag" is by Craig Dykstra; Craig also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Feb. 10, at wapo.st/conv1475. The "You're Invited" podcast: Eighteen half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... The GooDIE Bag: B-I-D-E neologisms from Week 1471 In Week 1471, our annual Tour de Fours neologism contest, we asked for new words or phrases containing the four consecutive letters BIDE, in any order. You aBIDEd, dudes — 1,400 times over. 4th place: IMBEDIMENT: The thing that makes you roll over and go back to sleep. "Sorry I was late to work, but I encountered a major imbediment this morning." (David Stonner, Washington) 3rd place: BIDEN-GO-SEEK: The president's search for any agreement across the aisle. "After hearing about Biden-Go-Seek, even cricketers said, 'That game lasts way too long.' " (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) 2nd place and the Poo Doo Toilet Toss game: APPLIED BIOLOGY: Sex. "Hey, baby, did you know I have a master's degree in applied biology?" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: STUPID BELT!: One that went and made itself smaller over the past year. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) sIDE B: Honorable mentions BEDIT: To lie awake at night perfecting the retort that you should have given that morning. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring) INSTABIDET: Oh, the many uses of the humble garden hose. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) BEDI KNIGHT: A master in the use of the delight saber. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) ACID BEES: Murder hornets are soooo 2020. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) PLAN B DIET: When Plan A, the chocolate diet, doesn't work. (Lori Lipman Brown, Silver Spring, Md.) PRAYEMPTIVE BID: 24 no trump! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.) LIBIDEWWW: When your parents tell you they're going upstairs early tonight because they're "in the mood." (Jeff Shirley) B. DIE: Choice after "A. Do" in a tough situation. (Jesse Frankovich) ALL-CARB DIET: Man cannot live by bread alone? Okay, also pizza. (Jesse Frankovich) AMBIDEN®: This new drug helps one sleep through an unpopular presidency. "Snore more years!" (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) BEDIVERSE: The world as a sleepy cat sees it. (Sam Mertens) COWHIDE BORDELLO: The best little whorehouse in Denton, Texas — or so they tell me. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) BIDENTAL: Having teeth way too white for an old guy. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) BIDET O!: "Daylight come and me washin' me bum." (Craig Dykstra) BLOBBIED: Worked to get doughnuts recognized as an essential food group. (Beverley Sharp) Advertisement BIDETENTE: An agreement to accept each other's bathroom habits. "Okay, if you're going to hang your pantyhose over the shower rail, I'm going to clip my toenails in the sink." Also known as appeesment or crapprochement. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) BRIBED AND GROOM: What the snickering wedding guests called the 82-year-old oil tycoon and his 23-year-old soul mate. (Beverley Sharp) CANDIED BROCCOLI: When someone sugarcoats some bad event and only makes it worse. "I appreciate your attempt to let me down gently, but calling it 'a permanent unpaid vacation' is just candied broccoli." (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) CARBIE DOLL: Finally from Mattel, a doll that looks like America. (Beverley Sharp) ANTI-DEBT: What the GOP suddenly becomes, again, as soon as a Democrat takes the White House. (Chris Doyle) DEBILE: To remove the vitriol from an online discussion. "After Aunt Sue debiled the responses to her Facebook post calling her a murderer, she did find a couple of decent chicken recipes." (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) DIE BARD: Action movie rewritten for Shakespeare fans. "Huzzah! Yippee! My joy I cannot smother./ I speak to thee, thou &*@#er of a mother." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) DOUGHBEDIENT: Performing the right way after the bribe. (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.) DISCOBEDIENT: "I WILL do a little dance! I WILL make a little love! I WILL get down tonight!" (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) FIB DETECTOR: A far more sophisticated instrument than a lie detector, consisting of a mom. (Coleman Glenn) HIDEBALLET: The elaborate dance performed by Supreme Court nominees. "See how she pirouetted away from that question about honoring precedent — beautiful hideballet there." (Duncan Stevens) RABBI ED: In this '60s sitcom reboot, a horse leads the B'neigh Israel synagogue. With Mare Winningham as the canter. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) MEDIBLAHBLAHBLAH: That super-fast run-through about dire side effects in drug commercials (" "¦ may cause blindness, suicidal thoughts and some rare cancers"¦") (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) DEBITANTE: A young lady who gets her first bank card. Two weeks later she sees her account balance and has her DEBITANTE BAWL. (Leif Picoult) NAMBIPAMBIDEXTROUS: Able to go in any ethical direction. "In the place of a moral compass, nambipambidextrous Lindsey Graham has always used a political dowsing stick." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) THE INCREDIBLE SULK: Bruce Banner: The Teen Years (Jesse Frankovich) IDBELIEVABLE: For a teen, looking 21. "Wear that dress "" it makes you IDbelievable." (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) NOBEDIENCE: What Rodney Dangerfield gets from his dog. (William Kennard, Arlington) SOUP OF BIDET: If your French waiter offers this, maybe it's just his accent. But it's still safer to opt for the salade "¦ (Duncan Stevens) DE-IBRILLATOR: Device used to restart the heart of someone who has had the "f" scared out of them. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) HEMORRHOID BELT: An unpleasant region of space near Uranus. (Jesse Frankovich) FRIED BIOPSIES: Cookbook companion to the real "25 Placenta Recipes." (Kevin Dopart) And Last: DWEEB DINNERS: It's not just Loser Brunches anymore! (Roxi Slemp, Bariloche, Argentina) [Next Loser Brunch: Feb. 20 in Bethesda; see wapo.st/conv1475] Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 14: Our Hyphen the Terrible neologism contest. See wapo.st/invite1474. ====================================================================== WEEK 1476, published February 20, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1476: Matchless humor — show us some Googlenopes Find phrases with no hits (or Googleyups, ones that surprisingly exist). Plus fake trivia about money and finance. By Pat Myers February 17, 2022 at 9:57 a.m. EST Click here to skip down to the winning fictoids about money and finance Three Googleyups (a search revealed at least one hit). But "Please bring me airline food" was a Googlenope. (Bob Staake/Illustration for The Washington Post) Googleyup: "Please pull my fingernails out" Googleyup: "Please kick me in the shins" Googleyup: "Please scream in my ear" Googlenope: "Please bring me airline food"(Duncan Stevens, 2018) Googlenope: "Sexy Coke bottle glasses." (But "Sexy Coke bottles" is a Googleyup, with two matches.) Back in 2007, the Empress asked readers to find "Googlenopes," short phrases that yielded no matches on a Google search. (The term "Googlenope," coined by deposed Style Invitational Czar Gene Weingarten, currently produces 9,950 hits.) The winner, by Malcolm Fleschner: "That controversial 'Gilligan's Island' episode." We had good results again in 2010. (Winner: Mark Richardson finding Googlenopes in both "Nobody understands me like my husband" and "Nobody understands me like my wife.") In 2018 we added a nifty option, one that we'll offer again: this time. This week: Find us a Googlenope — a phrase in quotation marks that generates the message "It looks like there aren't many great matches for your search" (or you get just a few entries that don't actually contain the phrase) — or a Googleyup, a phrase that surprisingly does have hits (mention how many). And you could contrast a Googlenope with one or more Googleyups, as in some of the entries above ("Sexy Coke bottle glasses" was by Elizabeth Molyé, who suggested a slightly different contest). If you get exactly one hit, call that a Googlewhack. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1476 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Feb. 28; results appear March 20 in print, March 17 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two translucent green sports-type water bottles — each labeled, in large type, "bong water." Donated (unsullied) by Loser Kathleen Delano. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Wags to Riches" is by Kevin Dopart; Jesse Frankovich and G. Smith both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Feb. 17, at wapo.st/conv1476. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Wags to riches: Financial fictoids from Week 1472 In Week 1472, The Style Invitational continued its decades-long campaign to misinform innocent newspaper readers, this time with bogus trivia about money and finance. Numerous Losers explained that the ancient practice of tasting money to test for purity led to the "bit coin." 4th place: A little-known section of the U.S. tax code exempts citizens from paying taxes if they have bone spurs in their feet. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) 3rd place: In an unreleased sequel to "It's a Wonderful Life," George Bailey goes on to build himself a mansion using the money he collected in overdraft fees. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and a weird Tokyo souvenir glitter globe: India's GNP grew 1.2 percent last month purely from increased call center volume from Virginians afraid of critical race theory. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Lincoln's picture on the $5 bill gave him such widespread name recognition that he cruised to victory in the 1860 presidential election. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) Bottom dollar: Honorable mentions After famously declaring that "greed is good" in the movie "Wall Street," Gordon Gekko less famously adds under his breath: "But even better is saving 15 percent on your car insurance." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Ninety-eight percent of all U.S. $20 bills have been used to pretend to snort cocaine. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) A Susan B. Anthony dollar is 82 percent the size of the previous Eisenhower dollar. (Kara Laughlin, Leesburg, Va.; Miriam Nadel, Vienna, Va.) According to a recent study by the Economic Research Institute, when historical inflation is counterbalanced with educational trends, your thoughts are still worth about a penny. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.) Andrew Carnegie originally built Carnegie Hall as a vault for his riches, but he had it converted it into a concert hall when he needed something larger. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Anton Rothschild, considered the maverick of the family for choosing engineering over banking, developed the first prototype space laser. (Mark Raffman) At MIT, meteorology majors who flunk Forecasting 101 are encouraged to switch to economics. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) Known for its unique currency, Yap Island in Micronesia also boasts the world's largest parking meters. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) The stone coins of Yap Island, Micronesia, can be 12 feet in diameter. (Iurii Kazakov/Shutterstock) Before the Civil War, dollar bills were printed on ultra-durable buckskin; hence the term bucks. But eventually the government substituted the widely available cowhide, resulting in the terms "cash cow" and "moola." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Botanists have discovered that money is not only the root of all evil, but also its hypocotyl, petiole and axillary bud. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Folks, the eye on the back of the dollar bill contains a microchip that tracks your movements and reports back to the deep state! The only way to protect yourself is to send all of your dollars to me for proper destruction! — DJT, Florida (John Hutchins; Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) If all of Jeff Bezos's wealth were converted into a stack of $100 bills, the stack would be higher than his rocket can fly. But not higher than Elon's can. (Gary Crockett, who says this is actually true! See Gary's reasoning in this week's Style Conversational, posted late Feb. 17) In 2018 Sen. Bernie Sanders proposed legislation to break up big banks but promised they could still be friends. (Robert Deigh, Burke, Va. a First Offender) In a surprise bipartisan gesture, a congressional caucus from six Southern states has agreed to promote the Harriet Tubman $20 bill, provided that the opposite side depicts slaves happily working in the fields. (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.) In an oft-neglected historical footnote, the Financial Panic of 1837 was finally brought under control by the Financial Xanax of 1838. (Marty Gold, Arlington, Va.) In January, New Yorker George C. Parker received a record $93 million for an NFT of the Brooklyn Bridge. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) The original "money-grubbers" earned their living selling squirming insect larvae impaled on sticks for snacks. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) In most states, the highest-paid government employee is a college football coach, while the lowest-paid government employee is a college football player. Oh wait, these are supposed to be untrue. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Irony alert! In the aftermath of World War I, it took a breadbox full of German marks to buy a wheelbarrow. (G. Smith, Fairfax, Va.) JFK had two fives and seven Lincoln pennies in his pocket on Nov. 22, 1963. And just as eerily, Abraham Lincoln entered Ford's Theatre on April 14, 1865, carrying a Kennedy half-dollar. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Lin-Manuel Miranda's musical about America's favorite treasury secretary wouldn't have reached Broadway without some tweaks. First, investors thought "Mnuchin" would just look silly up on the marquee "¦ (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) On $1 bills issued from 2017 to 2020, if you hold one up to a bright light, the "ST" in "TRUST" changes to "MP." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) President Biden plans to add Tom Brady to the Federal Reserve Board, given his experience in reducing inflation. (Gary Crockett; Sam Mertens, Silver Spring; Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Residents of Park Place and Boardwalk in Atlantic City, N.J., are required by local ordinance to wear top hats and carry bags of money everywhere they go. (Duncan Stevens) The Braille signage on drive-up ATMs says, "Sighted people are so gullible." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) The Dutch "tulip bubble" collapse of 1637 resulted in the worst economic crash until the Spanish "spatula bubble" burst in 1811. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen is paid daily in freshly minted $100 bills. (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) When the U.S. Mint announced that it would issue a Sacagawea dollar, Sen. Elizabeth Warren immediately offered to pose for it. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) While the financier E.F. Hutton was said to run his company with an iron hand, he did not command the same respect at home: None of his children or grandchildren ever listened when he talked. (Jon Ketzner) Joey Ramone's ode to Fox Business's Maria Bartiromo is well known, but few have heard his love song to his other financial heartthrob: Janet Yellen, Janet Yellen, Let me be your Andrew Mellon, Here on Wall Street, I'm your guy, 'Cause my interest rate is high, Girl, you've really got me kvellin', Janet Yellen, Janet Yellen. (Mark Raffman) Still running — deadline also Feb. 28: Come up with a song or cheer for the newly named Washington Commanders (or another D.C. institution). See wapo.st/invite1475. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1477, published February 27, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1477: Thinking outside the big box — review these Walmart products Plus winning highway signs and barbecue joint marquees(Bob Staake /Illustration for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers February 24, 2022 at 9:45 a.m. EST Click here to skip down to the winning road signs Field whistle on a lanyard: I am highly disappointed in this product — not a single lovely lady has given me so much as a wink when she walks by. The only good thing is that my spit drains out of it pretty well. "˜…"˜…"˜†"˜†"˜†. Over the years, The Style Invitational has invited the Loser Community several times to "review" some mostly boring products listed on a certain shopping portal. This time, though, we won't have to mention who owns The Washington Post. This week: Send us a humorous "review" for any of the following items listed on walmart.com, as in the example above. Click on the products listed below to see the exact items (there are also links on this week's entry form). Keep them brief; 75 words would be long for us. The reviews must not cause harm to the manufacturer or seller. Don't post the reviews online until after we post the results. Standard shoehorn Advertisement Field whistle on a lanyard White sandwich bread Digital alarm clock Roll of Duck brand silver duct tape Original Slinky 20-quart clear storage box with latching top "Lion mane" costume for cats Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1477 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 7; results appear March 27 in print, March 24 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a little book called "How to Rule the World: A Handbook for the Aspiring Dictator." It's a witty satire by André de Guillaume, but this copy, found in a used-book store and donated by Loser Richard Franklin, has been greatly improved, humorwise, by some previous reader who — quite seriously, it seems — dutifully underlined such passages as "Surround yourself with directionless and malleable toadies" and checked off items in the diagnostic quiz "The Ideal Personality of a Leader": "You like giving instructions in a loud voice" — circled "YES." Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Take the Ha Road" was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Craig Dykstra; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, Feb. 24, at wapo.st/conv1477. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Taking the ha road: Winning signs from Week 1473 In Week 1473 we asked you for messages for an electronic highway sign or barbecue joint marquee. Today's winner and second place are pictured with the aid of the sign-generator app at atom.smasher.org. 4th place: ATTENTION SELF-DRIVING CARS: COMMENCE THE REVOLUTION NOW! (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) 3rd place: FIVE STARS! EXCELLENT DELAY! WOULD SIT THROUGH AGAIN (Martin Bancroft, Bellevue, Wash.) 2nd place and the Derriere Repair cream: (atom.smasher.org) CLOSED FOR YOM KIPPUR "–² (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: PLEASE CLEAR THIS RUNWAY IMMEDIATELY (sign generator/atom-smasher.org) "–² (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Southbound: Honorable mentions DON'T TEXT AND DRIVE UNLESS YOU'RE MAKING FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS (Lenard King, Richmond, Va.) PUT DOWN YOUR PH- - - DON'T BE A D-M-Y WORDLE CAN WAIT (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) HWY DEDICATED TO TROOPER SMITH POTHOLES DEDICATED TO SEN MANCHIN (Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md.) WHO'S A GOOD DOG? YOU ARE! ESPECIALLY IF YOU CAN READ THIS (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) ENTERING BLUE STATE WELCOME SATANIC PEDOPHILES (Steve Benko, Southport, Conn., a First Offender) EXPECT DELAYS IT'S THE LAW (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) SPEED CAMERA AHEAD SO STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE (Paul R. Brown, Silver Spring, Md. a First Offender) NEW LANE UNDER CONSTRUCTION YOUR DESCENDANTS ARE GONNA LOVE IT (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) CRASH AHEAD PREPARE TO EXTEND NECK (Frank Mann, Washington) SPEED TRAP AHEAD OR MAYBE NOT FEEL LUCKY, PUNK? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) BRIDGE FREEZES BEFORE HOT LANE DUH! (Mark Raffman) LEAVING PG COUNTY NEXT 3 COUNTIES ARE RATED R (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) OVERSIZE LOAD? DIAPER CHANGING STATION AT NEXT REST AREA (Lori Lipman Brown, Silver Spring, Md.) REMINDER: YOUR SENATOR VOTED AGAINST THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL (David Kleeman, Chevy Chase, Md.) WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY: MOM SAYS PUT ON A SWEATER (Tom Dickinson, Springfield, Va., a First Offender) SEE A DISTRACTED DRIVER? TEXT 'SAFETY' TO 73826 (Bill Grewe, Front Royal, Va., a First Offender; Jonathan Jensen) WELCOME TO DC IT'S BEEN: 416 DAYS SINCE OUR LAST COUP ATTEMPT (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) WHY ARE YOU GOING TO WORK NAKED? MADE YOU LOOK (Frank Mann) LET'S JUST SAY IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME TO GO INTO LABOR (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) SILVER ALERT HAVE YOU CALLED YOUR MOTHER? (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) AIRPORT NEXT EXIT TSA LINE BEGINS PREVIOUS EXIT (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) AT DUSK TURN ON HEADLIGHTS SAVE DEMOCRACY (Steve Baldwin, Bethesda, Md.; Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.) NOW ENTERING A STATE WITH LEGALIZED POT — HOLES (Jesse Frankovich) ENTERING THE BRONX WHADDA YOU LOOKIN' AT? (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) YOU HAD TO HAVE THAT LARGE COFFEE, DIDN'T YOU? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) 5 MIN TO NEXT EXIT WAIT, NO, 15 MIN EH YOU'LL GET THERE WHEN YOU GET THERE (Elizabeth Molyé, Washington) NO MERGING WITHOUT ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) SIRI IS NOT THE BOSS OF YOU EXIT WHENEVER YOU WANT TO (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) WELCOME TO TEXAS SET CLOCKS BACK TO 1971 (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.; Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) SHOULDER DROP-OFF NO OTHER BODY PARTS ACCEPTED (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) WAIT, COME BACK! WE'LL STICK WITH 'WFT'! (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) 'WE WON'T HIT TRAFFIC THIS TIME OF DAY,' YOU SAID (Jonathan Jensen) SEE SOMETHING? SAY SOMETHING! NOT YOU, KAREN. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) FOR THE BARBECUE SIGN FILL UP ON OUR BEANS AND GET GAS TOO (Mark Raffman; Edward Gordon, Austin; Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) KERMIE! SAVE ME! (Terri Berg Smith) STOP IN AND SEE A MAN EATING PIG (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) JOHNNY CASH SPECIAL BURNING RING OF FIRE COMES WITH EVERY MEAL (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) BEER, POOL, JUKEBOX, PLUS HDTV LIVESTREAMING PARIS FASHION WEEK (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Two contests still running — both due Monday night, Feb. 28: Write a song or cheer for the newly named Washington Commanders, or any other D.C. institution (wapo.st/invite1475); and find funny Googlenopes, phrases that get no Google hits, and/or Googleyups, phrases that surprisingly do (wapo.st/invite1476). DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1478, published March 6, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1478: It's a small, small word Write a poem using only the 1,000 most common words. Plus winning neologisms. By Pat Myers Yesterday at 9:49 a.m. EST(Bob Staake/Illustration for The Washington Post ) Click here to skip down to this week's winning neologisms The bars are all filled; It's a very good sign. The beer's going fast, And they're serving up wine. We're FINALLY out! There's wide-screen TV! The big game is starting: It's — yes! — World War Three! Here's a contest we did back in 2014, but now you'll have the help of a nifty self-checking tool that 418-time Loser Art Grinath brought to the Empress's attention: Write a humorous poem, eight lines max, using only those from a list of the 1,000 most common English words, such as the one above by Style Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake (who's written many of his picture books in rhyme) — and this time the list is according to the fabulous Randall Munroe, creator of the comic strip XKCD and especially "Up Goer Five," a blueprint-style diagram of the Saturn V rocket, with notations "using only the ten hundred words people use most often." The rocket, for example, is called a "flying space car"; helium is "funny voice air." You may add a title, common word or not. A year after our Week 1069 contest, Munroe created the website Simple Writer (xkcd.com/simplewriter), which lets you type your own simple writing — and instantly flags every word that's not on his "ten hundred word" list. You don't see the list; you find out when you type. But it allows many plurals, past tenses and contractions. In any case, your poem must not have any words flagged on Simple Writer. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1478 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 14; results appear April 3 in print, March 31 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a handsome pair of Bigfoot Socks, lime green legwear featuring a rather trim and amiable Sasquatch sporting a jaunty red scarf. They are indeed men's-size, so they do live up to their name that way. Donated by Dave Prevar. On your calves, the cheeriest Bigfoot ever. This week's second prize. (mcphee.com) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Hyphen Help Us" is by Jesse Frankovich; Tom Witte and Craig Dykstra both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses this week's new contest and results; definitely check it out if you might enter a common-word poem. See this week's, published late Thursday, March 4, at wapo.st/conv1478. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Hyphen help us! Neologisms from Week 1474 Week 1474 was one of our Hyphen the Terrible contests, in which we asked you to create a new word by combining two halves of hyphenated terms you found in the paper. 4th place: De-tailed + be-tween: DE-TWEEN: To remove the Super Mario sheets from your ninth-grader's bed. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) 3rd place: Misinforma-tion + Beetho-ven: MISINFORMA-VEN: Someone who's done his own research. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) 2nd place and the 2004 vintage Loser Mug: Non-red + an-nouncement: NON-NOUNCEMENT: "For now, I'm 100 percent focused on the job the voters elected me to do." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Paper-work + privi-lege: PAPER-PRIVI: The repository for highly sensitive Trump administration documents. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Halve-nots: Honorable mentions RUS-ISTAN: What Ukraine vows not to become. (William Joyner, Crozet, Va.) Get started Advertisement By LinkedIn Browse the latest open jobs. See more COAL-JERK: Pertaining to Sen. Joe Manchin. "The new clean-energy bill produced the expected coal-jerk reaction." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) LIB-SURDITY: Any criticism of the dynamic tourism at the Capitol that day. — R. McDaniel, Republican National Committee (Kevin Dopart, Washington) NA-NAVIRUS: Vaxxers and anti-vaxxers mocked each other for contracting it. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) FEBRU-MENTAL: A couple days short of a month, if you know what I mean. (Gary Crockett) ST.-ICK: Don't sit on this Santa's lap! (Steve Smith) COMPETI-DRESSING: For many teenagers, it's the real prom event. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) ALT-QUALITY: Euphemism for "chintzy." "Our dollar store has a wide selection of alt-quality items." (Jesse Frankovich) ANONY-MIES: People you didn't even know you hated. (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) CONSERVA-DRESSING: Formerly, a dark suit, white shirt and striped tie. Today, antlers, red ball cap or tinfoil hat. (Mark Raffman, Reston) CONFECTIOUS: What do you call a piece of birthday cake after a group of 4-year-olds helped blow out the candles? (Steve Smith) CURRI-CANE: What happens when the vindaloo sends you to the loo. (Mike Ostapiej, Ravenel, S.C.) DECI-FOOT: An oh-so-convenient unit of measure equal to 30.48 millimeters. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) DE-GROOMING: Leaving him waiting at the altar. (Roy Ashley, Washington) HYPER-MUTERS: Two years into the pandemic, they still can't remember to turn their mics back on in a Zoom meeting. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) FORM-FIGHTING: What too-tight jeans are. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) INTERROGATO: A curious cat. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) MAGA-DUCTION: A singular sort of logic. "Pence didn't overturn the election results, so that must mean he's in league with George Soros and AOC!" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) MAR-A-PULT: A quick exit from Palm Beach for those who fail to kiss the ring. "Right after he beat Trump at golf — boing! He got the Mar-a-pult." (Frank Mann, Washington) TEENEST: Most harebrained. "Subway surfing "" riding on the roof of a moving train? That is the teenest idea ever." (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) ODOR-GRAM: A lingering olfactory signature. "Pete's cologne sent another odor-gram "" and he left five minutes ago!" (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) OUT-MOM: "I've felt pretty guilty after our phone calls before, but she really out-mommed herself this time." (Jesse Frankovich) PANDEM-OCRATS: Those socialist brownshirts who try to prevent outbreaks of freedom. -- M.T.G., Georgia (Kevin Dopart) RE-LICING: A handy but inadvisable trick for getting out of school (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) PRE-PUBLICAN: A fifth-grader who complains to the school board that long division makes him uncomfortable. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) PRE-PUBLICANS: Advocates of police defunding who have yet to be mugged. (Jeff Contompasis) DE-PUBLICAN: A Democrat who seems to be pulling for the other side "" not to Manchin any names. (Jonathan Jensen) SEMI-PUBLICAN: A member of the GOP who doesn't kneel facing Mar-a-Lago five times a day. (Jonathan Jensen) RIP-UP-LICAN: A POTUS who doesn't give a "¦ rip about some Presidential Records Act. (Kevin Dopart) SEMENTALISTS: Zealots who believe every sperm is sacred. (Terri Berg Smith) NATURE-CAN: The spacious "outhouse" of the woods. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) SOLO-PLAUSE: What comes from that one person at the concert who didn't know you don't clap between movements. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) TICK-FIL-A: Fast food that sticks to your ribs. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) UNCOMFORT-HUG: An embrace from your unvaccinated cousin. (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.) UNRENT: A polite term for "evict." (Lenard King, Richmond, Va.) BUDG-MENT: A willingness to compromise. "Don't think of it as betraying your foundational values; think of it as exercising sound budg-ment." (Coleman Glenn) G-SPORT: Team event where at least one person feels the thrill of victory. (Kevin Dopart) OVER-DUCTED: What every office building in an action movie seems to be. (Coleman Glenn) SCORCHED-TRUTH: The Tucker Carlson strategy. (Jeff Rackow) SNY-JACKING: Announcing your team's new name just in time to distract from a story about sexual harassment. (Frank Mann) SPY-VERSATIONS: Dialogue like "The geese fly high." "But the frost lies on the ground." (Jeff Contompasis) And Last: LIFE-FREE: What you are if you spend hours and hours scanning hundreds of articles for hyphenated words for some contest that pays you in magnets. (Jesse Frankovich, who has 874 blots of Invite ink) Still running — deadline Monday night, March 7: Our contest for user reviews for any of eight everyday products. See wapo.st/invite1477. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1479, published March 13, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1479: It's WordleVite! Write a phrase of 5-letter words that works as a Wordle. Plus winning cheers for the Commanders and other D.C. institutions. By Pat Myers Yesterday at 10:34 a.m. EST "Napoleon 2.0": Wordle-style progression by Melissa Balmain. (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) Click here to skip down to the winning songs and cheers for the Commanders and other D.C. institutions PUFFY PASTY PARTY First beach get-together of the summer LIVIN' LARGE, LOSER Winning a magnet in the Invite You knew we couldn't ignore this thing: Yes, of course, the Empress plays her daily Wordle grid — usually as soon as a new one drops at midnight, courtesy of the ubiquitous game's new corporate overlord, the New York Times. She does not, however, announce to the world each day that she guessed the word in four tries (okay, maybe a few times when she got it in two). In recent weeks the E was pelted with suggestions to turn the puzzle into a Style Invitational contest — and after a one-two Loser punch from, first, David Kleinbard ("Nah, we're a humor contest, not a puzzle") and then Melissa Balmain ("Well, hmm, your examples are pretty persuasive"), we're holding our breath and going with this week's contest: Write a phrase or sentence consisting of two to six five-letter words or names, as in Melissa's examples above, then define it or say something funny about it (that's how it's going to be more than a puzzle, capisce?). AND the Wordle part: As the words progress from first to last, you'll note which letters are in common with the final word. Once a letter is in the right, "green" place — the same place as it is in the final word (like the P in "pouty" above) — your subsequent words must keep those letters in their right places. You may reuse a "gray" letter that doesn't appear in the final word. And you may use the letter a second time in the word, as in Wordle. Also, alas: Unlike the elegant Wordle grid, we won't be able to present your word series in the three letter-matching colors (unless it's the winner); just give us the words, in a single line, and the E will figure out the progression. More essential details in this week's Style Conversational, wapo.st/conv1479. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1479 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 21; results appear April 10 in print, April 7 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — not in season but by November they'd be stale — a box of Day of the Dead-themed Pop-Tarts, found on a clearance rack by The Famed Jeff Contompasis of Ashburn, Va. Bet they have it all over such Halloween sugar-bomb equivalents as Count Chocula Monster Marshmallows. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Cheer Hilarity" is by Chris Doyle; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: Along with more info on Week 1479, the Empress's online column includes "A Czar Is Born," a mini-history of the Invitational under her imperial predecessor, Gene Weingarten, written as part of a surprise tribute. See wapo.st/conv1479. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Cheer hilarity: Fight songs and more for the Commanders (and other D.C. institutions) In Week 1475 the Empress asked for songs and cheers for the newly named Washington Commanders — or, for those who don't do D.C. football, for any other D.C. institution. 4th place: Sung to "Lady Madonna" Come on, Commanders, we'd like to see you win Though we know you'll likely take it on the chin. You've got the money and the coaching staff But our won""lost record's just good for a laugh. The coaches say we need a wide receiver, Or maybe it's free safeties that we lack. Then the word comes down from Mister Snyder: "Buy a quarterback!" Come on, Commanders, you'll be 13 and 4 If Mrs. Snyder shows the owner to the do-oor.(Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) 3rd place: The Textile Museum To "Be Our Guest" See a dress! See a dress! Smaller crowds, not so much stress; Where've we got 'em? Foggy Bottom! (Once was 23rd and S.) Hey, you mugs, come see rugs! Natural History rocks and bugs Are so boring—we've got satin, crepes and denims, lacy tattin'. Dig a robe, peep a sash from our Asian costume stash, Skip the WashMon's thousand steps (well, more or less); And while they're still replacing all that Air and Spacing, Reassess! Decompress! See a dress! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place and the turkey-leg-motif thigh-high socks: 2nd place and the turkey-legmotif thigh-high socks: To "Maria" from "West Side Story" They've finally revealed our team's new name: Commanders, Commanders, Commanders, Commanders. Like a 7-10 record, it's pretty lame. Commanders, Commanders, Commanders . . . Commanders, we've rebranded as the Commanders! An uninspiring name, At least it's not a shame...ful slur Dan Snyder, we've got to get rid of Dan Snyder! The guy is such a schmuck, I'd like him to go f"¦ar away! Let's cele ... brate this ugly chapter's ending (Though we still have a few lawsuits pending.) Seriously? Two years to come up with "¦ Commanders? The most "meh" name I've ever heard: Com-mand-ers. (Marty Gold, Arlington — see Marty's video in the online Invite) "–² Written and sung by Marty Gold, Arlington, Va. (If you don't see the video above, click here.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: To "Danny Boy" Oh, Danny boy, the fans, the fans are falling Out of the stands at shoddy FedEx Field And your behavior, truly quite appalling, 'Tis just your ownership we pray you'll yield. But come ye back, Commanders, into old D.C. We may rename you once we're Snyder-free Though with his stench, his team's initials, we agree Oh, Danny boy, how well they fit: the WC. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Sis boom blah: Honorable mentions FedEx Field Fight Song To "We Will Rock You" by Queen Buddy, we're the fans of the Eagles, the Giants, The Bucs, gonna fill up the stands Sunday! We'll take over the place, there's lots of space, Since D.C.'s own fans will not show their face! We sing: We will, we will mock you! We will, we will mock you! Buddy you're the boss man, dross man, Take another loss, there's no positive gloss Sunday, You got staff to debase, you're in last place, Gotta hire lawyers to help with your case. We sing: We will, we will- mock you! "¦ (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Cheer for Cherry Blossoms Tourists make for thrilled consumers! Come this spring, we'll show our bloomers! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The National Zoo To "If I Only Had a Brain" You can while away the hours as Xiao Qi Ji devours Kaboodles of bamboo; Pardon our propaganda, But you'll find a cuddly panda Only at the National Zoo! We have many awesome mammals, (Alas, we're out of camels, Likewise, the kangaroo); But cheer up! If you wanna Come hang out with our iguana, He'll be waitin' here for you! Oh, I can't tell you why The people flock to see All the animals in our menagerie; Perhaps the key? Admission's free! So if you are kinda fonda The sloth or anaconda, Here's whatcha gotta do: Come enjoy all our species "" (Yep, we've cleaned up all their feces!); See you at the National Zoo! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) To the tune of the "Bonanza" theme: We've got a team not winning much esteem - Commanders! Changing the name won't take away the shame Of the gold and burgundy. One of the teams that Dallas really creams - Commanders! Lots of defeats and a lot of empty seats, The pride of old D.C. Every fan curses Dan Since he took control. Discontent, fortune spent, Not one Super Bowl. They're in the news for the women they abuse - Commanders! Man at the top just couldn't make it stop, Said he was unaware. Seems like a guy who maybe on the sly Philanders! Rules don't apply, they're for the little guy, Not for a billionaire. Years have passed since they last Earned respect and fame. Team was great, just first-rate - Well, except their name. We've got a team that nothing can redeem - Commanders! If you are through with Snyder and his crew, Root for Baltimore! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XHLE2688YQ "–² Written and sung by Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore (If you don't see the video above, click here.) Two Commanders cheers Go Commanders, lead your troops Together to the front! Hit 'em once, hit 'em twice! Hit 'em three times, punt! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) It's the COMMANDERS Anagram Cheer! New name! Same team! One thing's clear! When was the start of all this mess? Back in '99: "COME MR. DAN S."! (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) Metrorail I To "Under the Sea" You're tired of fighting traffic, and willing to stand and wait, Rub elbows with folks riffraffic "¦ who don't antiperspirate? Come hang out in our old railcars (the new ones are on the fritz), Those this-time-they-might-not-fail cars— In tunnels (no, don't say "pits"). Under D.C.! Under D.C.! Things can get zany in depths subterranean, regularly! Each color line has wacky quirks; Sometimes your escalator works! Really, you gotta try out WMATA Under D.C.! (Duncan Stevens) Metrorail II To "Old Folks at Home" a.k.a "Swanee River" Way down beneath the frenzied drivers, far, far below; Come join the rush-to-work survivors "" street traffic's much too slow! Those delays will make you nervous "" Metro saves you time! Oops! Escalator's out of service; you'll have a long, long climb. (Beverley Sharp) . Metrorail III To "Sidewalks of New York" Southeast, Northwest, all around the town Metro riders are fuming 'cause the trains keep breaking down Maintenance can't keep up; patrons filled with ennui Hear "doors closing" and bail out "" to the sidewalks of D.C. (Donna Saady, Rockville, Md.) The Arthur M. Sackler Gallery Cheer Our name's up high! We're overjoyed! We're pushing art, not opioid! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) To the "Toreador Song" from "Carmen" We're the Commanders, not the Dub-F-T, Redskins no more "" that we abhor! So, run out and buy those sweats and tees While we jack up all the fees! Open wallets, subsidies "" throw cash galore: That's all Dan thinks fans are for. (Robert Blatt, Silver Spring, Md.) To "Lawyers, Guns and Money" Our logo is a W; that's all good and well, But with 10 defeats last year, it might as well be L. So here we are on draft day, trying to make a pitch; No Theismanns, Dougs or Sonnys — any owners want to switch? "¦ (Frank Mann, Washington) To "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen We heard the news and asked, "How come You chose a name that's really dumb? Just how much did you pay to your rebranders?" You got rid of the racial slurs, Though everybody here concurs There's no one who prefers the name Commanders! The Commanders! The Commanders! "¦ Now Daniel Snyder loves to strut While grabbing every woman's butt From senior staff to innocent bystanders. But Dan, these women can't say "Nope!" When you begin to grab or grope. So, just watch out for where your hand meanders. It meanders, it meanders! The Commanders! The Commanders! Our team may have a brand-new name, But they'll lose almost every game. These aren't just unsubstantiated slanders. If they could only up their score, We might not mock them anymore And we would all adore the name "Commanders." Hallelujah! Hallelujah! We would all sing Hallelujah! (Barbara Sarshik, Vienna, Va.) The National Archives To "Smile" File: what we do with papers. Shredding gives us the vapors. We'll take stuff back from your sty, Former Guy. We don't care if your term was checkered— We will preserve each record, So that historians get to chew on you. Don't flush things down the potty— We think that's rather naughty. You've got some nerve! We'll take steps to preserve All the docs you're intent on hidin'— We'd do the same for Biden. Good stuff and bad we will compile. Oh, yes, we'll file. (Duncan Stevens) "Better Ways" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvOBfambQ3E [youtube.com] The trouble with Washington, or so it seems to me Is that the really big decisions are always made subjectively. Now it's Commanders playing football in D.C.? There must be better ways to change your image. She said it really is our habit to intrude, that's how Your former name was deemed to be too racist and too rude But please repeat yourself "" to what did you allude when you said Better ways to change your image. Better ways to change your image. Just get some good press, Jess. Spend some more dough, Joe. Be above reproach, Coach. Just listen to me. Sell the damn team, Vadim Say Dosvedanya, Tanya! Get out while you can, Dan. And set us all free. "–² By Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.; sung by Kate Nebel, Warrenton, Va. (If you don't see the video above, click here.) To the "Cheers" theme Being a fan in the reign of Dan saw cheers turn into jeers Going to games just left us crying in $14 beers How did it all go so astray? Watch Dan fight, it may shed some light on quite a sordid tale Handsy guys in limos, Mary Jo is on their trail And Goodell will claim he didn't know"¦ Sundays we want to go And hail our home team by its name One that doesn't bring us shame We want esteem, a new regime An owner who's not the same We're all for change but Commanders is kind of lame. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday night, March 14: Our contest to write a short poem using only a list of the 1,000 most common words. See wapo.st/invite1478. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1480, published March 20, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1480: Oh, you don't really mean that Give us fake definitions for obscure words. Plus winning Googlenopes and 'Yups. By Pat Myers Yesterday at 9:45 a.m. EDT To galp, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is NOT to glug down beer on your way down the Matterhorn, it's actually to gape or yawn. We don't care. (Bob Staake/Illustration for The Washington Post) Click here to skip down to the winning Googlenopes and Googleyups GALP: To chug a stein of beer while skiing down the Matterhorn. It's been a full decade since the Empress put up a list of obscure words and asked you to be proudly ignorant of their meanings. Since then, some generous downsizing neighbors thought of her and her weird job, and gave her their "Compact Edition" of the Oxford English Dictionary — in which the complete text of the full-size version (10 volumes, 15,490 pages) has been "reproduced micrographically" as 4,116 pages of ittybittyeenyweeny text, which you peer at, still squintily, with a big magnifying glass included in the two-volume slipcase. So the E dove in at random to produce the following list, which is augmented by similar words offered by Loser Mike Gips, who'd suggested she bring back the contest. This week: "Define" inaccurately and humorously any of the words in the list at the bottom of this column, as in Bob Staake's example above ("galp" actually means to gasp or yawn). Feel free to use it in a sentence or otherwise be funny. Meanwhile: Do you know the real meaning of any of this week's words? Well, good for you. Go fladge your fankle. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1480 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 28; results appear April 17 in print, April 14 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a big fat electronic Easy button: Push this big red button, and it will announce, "That was easy!" It's perfect for that moment you might want to brag just for a second after making that big sale, or if you need a bit of reassurance after deciding to eat those last three doughnuts, or after dumping your significant other — just think how quickly you'll be reviled by everyone you meet! When you come in second in this week's contest, push this button to brag. (acoustic geometry) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "'Nope Fiends" was submitted by both Tom Witte and Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, March 17, at wapo.st/conv1480, in which I share some classic ink from previous OED contests. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... 'Nope fiends: Googlenopes and Googleyups from Week 1476 In Week 1476 we asked you to hunt for some Googlenopes — phrases that, in quotes, generate no search results — as well as some Googleyups, phrases that are surprisingly or ironically out there. There was also the occasional Googlewhack: a phrase that evinced one single hit. All of the entries below checked out when the Empress tried them; search results aren't always consistent for everyone, it seems. 4th place: All Googleyups: "Ted Cruz looks like a gerbil." "Ted Cruz looks like a weasel." "Ted Cruz looks like a hedgehog." "Ted Cruz looks like a mosquito." Googlenope: "Ted Cruz looks senatorial." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: Googlenope: "The Palm is too fancy." Googlenope: "The Inn at Little Washington is too fancy." Googleyup: "McDonald's is too fancy." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the water bottles labeled 'bong water': Googlenope: "His comb-over fooled me." (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Googleyups: "Was Abraham Lincoln a real person?" (3 hits) "Is Homer Simpson a real person?" (6 hits) "Is Joe Biden a real person?" (3 hits) Googlenope: "U.S. education is the finest." (Richard Lorentz, Woodland Hills, Calif.) The end of our 'nopes: Honorable mentions Googlenopes: "Putin's playful side." (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) "Dan Snyder is my favorite "¦" (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) "I do CrossFit, but I don't like to talk about it." (Marty Gold, Arlington, Va.) "Washington, D.C., snow preparation" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) "Your mama's so fatuous "¦" (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) "I wish I'd saved my sweater vests." (Scott Ableman, McLean, Va.) "I wish there were more trailers before the movie" (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) "Small Costco jar" (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) "I wish my husband watched more football." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) "Not enough people post their Wordle results." (Andy Schotz, Hagerstown, Md.) "That Facebook comment changed my mind." (Frank Mann, Washington) Googleyups! "Sisyphean vicissitudes," a Googlewhack that showed up in the New York Times (no surprise) sports section (surprise). (Bill Swedish, Arlington, Va., who last got Invite ink in Week 45, 1994) "Stinkbug salsa," "dung beetle gravy," "cockroach pâté," "gerbil pot pie": all 'Yups. (Jonathan Jensen) "How many calories in a squirrel?" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) "Toad whisperer" (6,290 hits). Also: "Horned toad whisperer" (2) (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) "Vegetables are smarter than fruits." (Michael Cohen, Greenbelt, Md.) Googlewhack: "A wet mule never flies at night." (John Klayman, Bradenton, Fla.) Googlewhack: "Breathtaking muumuus." (Jeff Contompasis) Googlewhack: "I don't leave a trace on the Internet." (Kevin Dopart) Googlewhack: "I learn a lot from infomercials." (Richard Lorentz) Googlewhack: "Underwear-sharing near me." (Kevin Dopart) 'Yups & 'Nopes Googleyup: "Donald Trump swimwear" (over 1,000 hits) Googlenope: "Bernie Sanders swimwear" (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) Googleyup: "Bluegrass bassoon" Googleyup: "Death metal dulcimer" Googlenope: "Dixieland harpsichord" (Jonathan Jensen) Googleyup: "I enjoyed my colonoscopy" (10 results) Googleyup: "I enjoyed my root canal" (1,300 results!) Googlenope: "I enjoyed watching the new 'Sex and the City'" (Mark Raffman) Googleyup: "I found my soulmate on Tinder." Googleyup: "I found my soulmate on Bumble." Googlenope: "I found my soulmate with Date Lab." (Jesse Frankovich) Googleyup: "'Maus' banned in Tennessee" Googlenope: " 'Mein Kampf' banned in Tennessee" (Kevin Dopart) Googleyup: "Clothing-optional bar mitzvah." Googlenope: "Clothing-optional bat mitzvah." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) Googleyup: "I wish I had done more drugs." Googlewhack: "I wish I had drunk more beer." Googlenope: "I wish I had donated more to charity." (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) Googleyup: "Trump praises Putin as genius" (19,900) Googlenope: "Putin praises Trump as genius" (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) Googleyup: "Donald Trump has a sense of humor."(8 hits) Googleyup: "Mike Pence has a sense of humor." (3 hits) Googleyup: "Vladimir Putin has a sense of humor." (3 hits) Googlenope: "Dan Snyder has a sense of humor." (Frank Mann) Googleyups: "I miss my long commute"; "I miss my cubicle"; "I miss my boss" Googlenope: "I miss my staff meetings" (Scott Ableman) Googlenopes: "Tucker Carlson denounced white supremacists"; "Tucker Carlson denounced racism"; "Tucker Carlson denounced discrimination." Googleyup: "Tucker Carlson denounced epidemiological models." (Duncan Stevens) And Last: Googleyup: "Ink is what I live for" (3 hits, about tattooing) (John Klayman) And Also Last: Googlenope: "Jeff Bezos reads The Washington Post" (Jesse Frankovich) ====================================================================== WEEK 1481, published March 27, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1481: Mess with our heads Reinterpret a real headline by writing a bank head under it. Plus winning user reviews of a shoehorn and other Walmart products. Image without a caption By Pat Myers March 24, 2022 at 10:06 a.m. EDT(For The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winning Walmart product reviews from Week 1477 Real headline:Burger King Says Russian Operator 'Refused' to Close Hundreds of Restaurants (Washington Post, March 18) Bank head: Manager Maintains That Keeping Them Open Provided Greater Punishment Terrapins Heating Up at Perfect Time Plus Decorative Snake Arrangements and Other Secrets of a Reptile Brunch to Remember James Chases Scoring Mark but Keeps Eye on Legacy 'Giant Peach' Survivor Wonders if Obsessive Womanizing Will Endanger Sequel Deal The Empress, who used to write headlines five nights a week before hopping merrily onto the Style Invitational throne, plays this game constantly when she reads the paper, and brings it to the Invite about once year: Reinterpret some actual headline (or a major part of it) by adding a bank head, or subtitle, as in the examples above; the top one's by Bob Staake Himself. The headlines may be from any publication, print or online, dated March 24-April 4, 2022. Include the source and date of the headline so the E can verify it; see details on the entry form and in this week's Style Conversational (published late Thursday, March 24). Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1481 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, April 4; results appear April 21 in print, April 24 online. Electro-Hillary, ready to sing and boogie: This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/TWP) Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second prize receives a pre-2017 vintage Hillary Clinton Boogie Diva, a large doll of a smiling senator who, when you squeeze her cuff, "gets down and funky" with her dancin' arms and knees (her blocky feet stay put) as she sings a bouncy but lame parody of "My Country, 'Tis of Thee" ("Land where my husband lied/And I stood right by his side/Now it's my time to shine"). See her in action at wapo.st/invite-hillary. Donated by Loser Kathleen Delano. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Faux-Star Reviews" is by Jon Gearhart; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, March 24, at wapo.st/conv1481. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Faux-star reviews: The results of Week 1477 In Week 1477 we asked for creative user reviews for eight modest items advertised at walmart.com. Judging from the number of people who suggested using the clear plastic box as a bed or coffin, I'm thinking they need to review what "20 quarts" means. (A 5-gallon jug is about 20 inches high, 11 inches in diameter.) 4th place: Standard shoehorn: Nice product "" and it works even better on your shoes after you've buttered your toast with it. Five stars! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 3rd place: Great Value white sandwich bread: Whenever I want a laugh, I just go down to my local Whole Foods, display this bread prominently in my cart, and watch the horrified expressions as I stroll the aisles. (Sometimes I'll even bring in a package of Twinkies!) No better fun to be had for 88 cents! (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md., a First Offender) 2nd place and the book 'How to Rule the World': Duck brand silver duct tape: Whoops! I was invading another country and accidentally bombed a nuclear reactor! Used this tape to patch things up, though, so we're all good. "" Vlad666 (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Digital alarm clock: Love this thing! I hit the Snooze button in the morning and bingo, I sure do! Not sure what the other buttons are for. (Bill Cromwell, Keswick, Va.) Always Low Prizes: Honorable mentions DIGITAL ALARM CLOCK Lasted only a few days "" in fact, literally fell apart. How on earth did the manufacturer not realize that users would throw it against the wall on a Monday morning? (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.; Karen Lambert) Works okay, but needs a "this end up" label or the time reads all funny. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Love it! My son thought I should just use my phone, but it's too much trouble to go down to where it's charging in the kitchen every morning to turn off the alarm. Five stars! (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) STANDARD SHOEHORN I bought a pair and my feet slipped right in, but they got pretty uncomfortable after I walked around awhile. Not a great accessory. Two stars. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) Check before you order "" turns out there is only one per package. Don't they know most people have two feet??? (Bill Cromwell; Frank Mann, Washington) My sister and I wished we'd bought one of these years ago, when we chopped off our heels to try to fit into a glass slipper"¦. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Versatile! My amply proportioned in-laws came to visit, and we have a small sofa. This handy device helped me get them both seated and pried back out! (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) As a music enthusiast, I love learning new instruments. But just like the limoncello I bought last week, it hardly made any tone at all. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) As an older-than-usual prolific mother, I have so many kids that I don't know what to do. A lady from social services recommended this product to get them all inside our tiny home "" and it works much better than starving and whipping. Five stars! (Lawrence McGuire) I was in the middle of examining a patient when I dropped my speculum. Was my face red! Luckily, I had recently purchased two of your quality shoehorns and was able to finish the exam without missing a beat. Thank you for this versatile product. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) GREAT VALUE WHITE SANDWICH BREAD A "Great Value" given its nuances of taste, texture and toastability. "Enriched" with enough calcium propionate preservative to give it the shelf life of a canned ham. An excellent vehicle for classic grilled processed cheese. Pairs perfectly with either a Grape or Orange Kool-Aid. (Drew Bennett) All the negative comments on this bread reflect a "woke" sensibility that should not be tolerated. Why should this bread be ashamed of its color? All bread matters. "" VaGov2022 (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Good texture, but too spicy! Two stars "" MPence1959 (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.; John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.; Sam Mertens) The front of the package says "no high fructose corn syrup," but the ingredients list shows they were kind enough to put some in anyway. Four stars! (Sam Mertens; Steve Leifer, Potomac; Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) [Sure enough, the photo shown of the back of the package show Guess What in the middle of the small-type ingredient list! The Empress contacted a Walmart spokesperson, who said an incorrect photo had been used and that the bread was indeed high-fructose-corn-syrupless, and that "we will have that updated on the site very shortly." Eagle eye, Losers!] "No" means ....? Three eagle-eyed Losers noticed these two photos accompanying the Web listing for the Walmart bread. I'm not eating this stuff. The crusts are still on it! "" Billy (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) The Digital Learning Platform for Technical Education. Create your Free account today! Advertisement By Festo Didactic - North America On Festo Learning Experience, you will find an abundance of learning content for many areas of technical training and further education. From STEM to Industry 4.0, there is a lot to discover. An ever growing library of multimedia courses provide you with new ways to keep your courses fresh and... Learn more Super convenient to store "" can be compressed to 1/100th its original size! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Your bread saved the day! We left a trail of crumbs through the woods to help us find our way home, and they were so tasteless that even the birds wouldn't touch them. We got home in record time! Many thanks, Hansel and Gretel (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Not bad, but should be whiter. 2 stars — M. Taylor Greene (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.) Meh "" just like white sandwich bread is supposed to be. Five stars! (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) 'LION MANE' COSTUME FOR CATS I can't afford a security system, so I wanted to turn my cat into a resentful, bitter-at-everything, revenge-seeking hellbeast, and this was just the thing! I feel so much safer now. (Duncan Stevens) To "Memory": Help me! They all laugh when I go out In this comical fright wig. It's a bloomin' disgrace. I remember when I had a morsel of pride. Now I dare not show my face. - Grizabella (Frank Mann) I really wish the washing instructions had said you should remove it from the cat first. (Jesse Frankovich) I made the mistake of putting this on my cat. Now he wanders about the house marking his territory "" and I'm spending a fortune on freshly killed wildebeest. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) None of the three color-options available worked for my Mr. Snowflake. Instead of awe, he received nothing but ridicule, scorn and bullying from the other cats in our neighborhood. We are both traumatized from this experience. (Drew Bennett) Unsatisfactory. This accessory appears to be Pantone 152 XGC and my cat is closer to Pantone 151 CP. You should have stated this in your description. (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) For humans, too! It has restored my confidence in the bedroom after an unfortunate at-home Brazilian waxing incident. Five stars! (Lawrence McGuire) WHISTLE WITH LANYARD Coupled with an orange vest, this item has made my walk to work in the city a breeze! Just blow the whistle, hold up your hand while crossing the street, and act like you know what you're doing. (Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md.) I was so tired of my spouse getting in my way in the kitchen. Now, when he's blocking the drawer I need, I blow the whistle and he moves in a flash! And now he also has a whistle and blows it when I'm blocking a drawer. Brilliant! (Joe McManus, Silver Spring, Md.) ROLL OF DUCT TAPE The perfect thing for unruly children: When my kids get too loud, I just pull this out and soon there's absolute silence. Sure, I get the occasional strange look from other parents, but it is worth it for some peace and quiet. UPDATE: This review was meant for the whistle on on lanyard. (Art Grinath) ORIGINAL SLINKY Made it down all 100+ flights of the Empire State Building. Mainly because I carried it, but still. "˜…"˜…"˜…"˜…"˜† (Leif Picoult) Had to return it, since I decided not to move from my one-story house. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.; Pam Shermeyer) Just in time for April Fools' Day! Along with a pack of googly eyes and a roll of duct tape, you can enhance any statue of man or beast with the addition of a one-googly-eyed Slinky snake. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 20-QUART CLEAR PLASTIC BOX WITH LID I've purchased several of these to store my clothes that WILL fit again as soon as I lose that last 15 pounds. They hold up after years of use! (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) Because it's clear, I can see inside it while I think outside it! That was one of those thoughts right there! Was that clear? Five stars, I think. (Gary Crockett) And Last: I have a pile of Style Invitational clippings dating back to 1993. Thanks to this bin they'll be easy to find when I need to put down a dropcloth, light the charcoal grill or housebreak a puppy. Thanks, Sterilite! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Still running — deadline Monday night, March 28: Our contest for fake definitions for obscure words like "fankle." See wapo.st/invite1480. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1482, published April 3, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1482: The Tile Invitational IX Make new words from ScrabbleGrams sets. Plus winning poems using just the 'ten hundred' most common words. Image without a caption By Pat Myers March 31, 2022 at 10:08 a.m. EDT ABGLNOO unscrambles into "bologna," yes, but Bob Staake saw LOANBOG, an endless mortgage contract. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the poems written with only the most common words ABGLNOO > LOANBOG: The 793-page real estate contract you have to initial on every page in three places. DEHNRTU > NERDHUT: A treehouse with multiple routers and a mesh network. ACDDEIN > DINE-CAD: "She didn't even smile when I patted her bottom. No tip for her!" It's our annual-or-so homage to (a much nicer term than "exploitation of") the venerable syndicated ScrabbleGrams word game, which runs in the print Post's daily comics pages. At the bottom of this page are 36 of the letter sets from the long-out-of-print "Big Book of ScrabbleGrams"; each unscrambles into a real word, but of course we don't care about that. This week: Rearrange the letters of any of the letter sets below to create a new term, then define or describe it, as in the examples above; you may use all seven letters, but also just six or five. As with all our neologism contests, feel free to use it in a sentence, if that makes your entry funnier; there's a good chance that someone else will come up with the same new term as yours. How to format your entry: Begin every entry with the letter set you're unscrambling — follow those examples up there — so the Empress can sort them all into 36 little groups (or, more likely, big groups). Don't put the letter set and your word on different lines, because you'd gum up the works and the E will be tearing at her tiara. (Don't try to do italics or boldface; they don't transmit on the entry form.) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1482 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, April 11; results appear May 1 in print, April 28 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Mini-Brain Two-Pack: A cute little plush pink human (?) brain that easily fits in your hand and can clip to a key chain; and an itty-bitty music box that plays "If I Only Had a Brain" for as long as you keep cranking it. Both donated by Brainiac Loser Dave Prevar. This week's second prize, the Mini-Brain Two-Pack. (Stemware for scale.) (Pat Myers/TWP) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Short Ribs" is by Chris Doyle; Craig Dykstra wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, March 30, at wapo.st/conv1482. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Short ribs: The common-word poems of Week 1478 In Week 1478 the Empress asked aspiring Loserbards to write a poem using only the "ten hundred" words (plus variants) deemed most common by "Thing Explainer" Randall Munroe's Simple Writer tool. Entrants turned up some odd inclusions and omissions: "Nine" was missing, but the checker allowed "creature," "familiar" and — what? — "youngling." The E got in touch with Randall; he explains all in this week's Style Conversational (published late Thursday afternoon, March 31). Poems' titles didn't have to be from the list. 4th place: Tom Brady Retires, Then Unretires Once more returns the old ball-guy. Here's my belief: The reason why Of him the team just can't get rid: He left, but then forgot he did. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: These boxes, yellow, green, and gray, Fill up my feed, each night and day. If you are one who shares each Word-all, This finger means: I give the bird-all. (Duncan Stevens) 2nd place and the cheery-Bigfoot socks: "You might get killed, from what we've heard. We'll help you leave. Just say the word!" This leader, not afraid, replied, "I need what guns shoot, not a ride." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Earth's Got Talent Some strange people from outer space will fly to Earth one day And share with us the things they know and did, light-years away. We'll probably shrug and tell those guys we also have great powers: We change time and make the sun come up at different hours.(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) Funny but less so: Honorable mentions Why am I up at two in the morning Looking at stupid Face-book? Why do I care about that girl from high school And the pictures of lunch that she took? Tomorrow at work when I can't keep my eyes open I'll promise I'm sleeping by ten. But who am I kidding? In twenty-four hours I'll be right back here again. (Marty Gold, Arlington, Va.) We've circled the city for more than an hour Showing the world how we hold all the power, Running our engines and acting real mad Fighting for rights we already had. This road's not familiar "" perhaps we should pause; I think maybe we're lost "" much like our cause. (Frank Mann, Washington) Tough Luck, Oligarchs Because they're friends with you-know-who They find themselves in deep do-do; Big boats, big cars and foot-ball teams, But life's less simple than it seems. For in the end, just-us they'll get No hiding place for each as-set. And when their boats are off high seas, No tears cried for all-egg-are-keys. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) Where is my phone? Oh, it's here in my hand. My keys disappeared, I can't go where I planned. Why did I walk in this room? I forgot. I had a good reason. Okay, maybe not. I went to the store for some eggs and some tea, Came home with a bird house to put in a tree. Where is my memory? Help look for it, please. I've left it somewhere, along with my keys. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) A sequel to "The Raven": The bird upon my stone-art head Reminds me that my lady's dead. The only way to cool my hate: I'll see that bird upon my plate. I smell him through the kitchen door! He never will say "never" more. (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.) Put-in, Put-in, Rush-in boot-in', Sent a lot of soldiers shoot-in' Into lands that aren't his 'Cause that's the kind of guy he is. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) The rich get rich, the poor get poorer. Since I'm flat broke, my future's surer. (Chris Doyle) Deep Thinking on Jan. 6 They're counting in the House! Attack! We have to take our country back! Our greatest leader won, we know it. Stand and fight. We cannot blow it. They'll take our pictures? We forgot. Then catch and lock us up? Wait, what? (Chris Doyle) Metro Advisory "If you see something, say something," train guys all say! Well, I'm quiet "" no stuff to explain. I've seen hardly a thing as I've sat here all day, And I've certainly spotted no train. (Duncan Stevens) Sky-bus riders acting bad from sea to wet blue sea "Don't you teach my kid the truth!" dads shouting on TV Drag our bodies back to work much rounder than before There goes the place-where-neighbors-live, Deep State family moved next door Truck guys against fed over-reach are circling 'round the city This is the new normal. You can see it isn't pretty (Roxi Slemp, Bariloche, Argentina) One should never drink and drive (I've often heard it said) That way, when you do arrive You'll find that you aren't dead. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.) The Billionaire's Guide to Escape From Earth ice turn water air get hotter earth grow dryer soon on fire go to air now leave rock there now fly to new ball (rich, not YOU all) (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Eve's Lament I should not have done it (I knew it!). But I said to my guy, "Here, let's do it!" It was given to me By that thing in the tree; Now we're out on our cans. (Yeah, we blew it...) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Three Takes on Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 I. Should I suggest you're like a summer day? You're prettier, yet somehow not as hot. The summer dies, but you will always stay A youngling in some future reader's thought. And if your looks go south before I'm dead, I'll look away and read these lines instead. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) II (a limerick). You: a day in a month that is hot, But more pretty, and nicer (or not). Here's a song to be read Even after you're dead To remind all the world what you'd got. (Sarah Jay) III. May I say you are like a summer's day? You are more beautiful, more calm and clear. Strong winds do shake the not-quite-flowers of May, And summer's short "" then does foot-ball appear. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Restrictus, after W.E. Henley's 'Invictus' Out of the night that covers me, Black as the hole from up to down, I thank whatever gods may be That I'm the hardest soul in town. It matters not how thin the doorway, How full the page with wrongs I did. I did it my way, guys, not your way. My head's held high. Come at me, kid. (Steve Bremner, Philadelphia) The 'Brady Bunch' Theme, Even Simpler Here's the story of a pretty lady, who was bringing up three girls who all were great, All of them had hair of gold like their mother "" the youngest's wasn't straight. It's the story of a strange old father, who had three much stranger off-spring of his own; There's a reason these four guys all lived together and they were all alone. Because one day when the lady met the old guy It was clear that they could never be a pair, For that dad "¦ and all his sons were a-holes That's the reason that the story ends right there. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) And Last: Some writing above's tongue in cheek; Some will only get laughs from the woke. A few lines may fall short, but each week We make many a pants-wetting joke. (Chris Doyle) And Even Laster: The Losers' Anthem (To "Be Our Guest") Read our lines! Read our lines! We have lots of funny kinds! You may think that we are crazy — there are very many signs. Hurry up, do not wait! Why, the stuff we write is great! Try the bathroom jokes, they're good ones! (Someone cuts not-understood ones.) You can smile, you can laugh — well, at least at maybe half — Should be clear by now we've really lost our minds! Go on, get out your paper, tell each friend and neighbor! Read our lines! Read our lines! Read our lines! (Jesse Frankovich) Still running — deadline Monday night, April 4: Our Mess With Your Heads bank headline contest. See wapo.st/invite1481. And next week "¦ our famous foal name contest. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. The Week 1482 letter sets: You may make a 5-, 6- or 7-letter term. You may not reuse a single letter in your word; think of the letters as Scrabble tiles. (Letter values in Scrabble are not a factor here.) ABBMOST CEHIKTT CIOSSUV AELNPPY ADEOPPS ACHINNU ACCDESU DDEEILY AHISTTW ADDEISY EENSTVY ABNOOSS AAHPTWY ADFPRTU AABCITX ACEFFIN BEIMSTU DEHNRTU ADLNORU ABEIKLT BELMPRU AAKLOOP CDEEILN ABGLNOO AEMRSTW EGGIRRT AABNNOZ DDEILOT AADMNNS DEFFISU BHIMSTU AELNQUU AAEKMRR ACDEGOR DDGOOOW EEMOOSW ====================================================================== WEEK 1483, published April 10, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1483: Pun for the Roses Our famous racehorse name 'breeding' contest. Plus winning phrases that work as Wordle grids. Image without a caption By Pat Myers April 7, 2022 at 10:07 a.m. EDT "A brief Tinder love story: Swipe right, spend the night, take flight." It's Hildy Zampella's winning entry in our Wordle-phrase contest. See the rest below. (The Washington Post illustration) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the results of our Wordle phrase contest. "Breed" Happy Jack with Make It Big and name the foal Ecstatic Jack Iron Works x Enough Already = Iron"StopsWorking" Clapton x Apprehend = Clapton Irons Yes! After another iffy year in so many ways, we once again are on the traditional schedule for the running of the Kentucky Derby and, with it, our most popular contest of the year, usually generating some 4,000 entries for the Empress to ponder. This week: At the bottom of this page is a list of 100 of the 300-some horses nominated for the 2022 Triple Crown races: the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes and Belmont Stakes. "Breed" any two names and name the "foal" to humorously play off both parents' names, as in the examples above. (Yes, we know they're almost all male. We do not care.) As in actual thoroughbred racing, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but the name should be easy to read. Please write entries in the A x B = C format of the second and third example above, and note the formatting instructions on this week's entry form and The Style Conversational. They're easy, but the E and especially her longtime volunteer sorter, Loser Jonathan Hardis, need you to follow the directions so the entries can be sorted by horse name. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1483 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, April 18; results appear on Derby weekend: May 8 in print, May 5 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, somewhat apropos to this week's contest, Poo-Dough, a Play-Doh-inspired mold and compound to make, well, yeah. "Looks like the real thing (smells much better)" and even comes with some fake corn kernels and peanut pieces to add authenticity to your product. Decorate your yard! Donated by Invite fan Dan Huff. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Funny Fives Faves" is by Jesse Frankovich; Craig Dykstra wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, April 7, at wapo.st/conv1483. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... FUNNY FIVES FAVES: Results of our Week 1479 Wordle phrase contest Our Week 1479 contest — in which the Empress ripped off the Nerd Game of the Hour, asking for phrases that would work as New York Times Wordle grids, proved, well, a challenge. "I never thought I'd come up with anything for this contest," lamented one Loser. Another: "Stop this madness!" The rule was that once a letter was in the right, "green" place for the final word, it had to stay there for subsequent words. 4th place:(The Washington Post illustration) MARCH MAKES MUCKY MUCUS MUSIC ^ The springtime singer's lament. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) 3rd place: NEVER TALKS ABOUT LGBTQ STUFF invite0410-wordle-never (The Washington Post illustration) ^ What a Florida teacher does now. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 2nd place and the Day of the Dead Pop-Tarts: MORON SENDS COLOR CUBES TWEET DAILY invite0410-wordle-moron (The Washington Post illustration) ^ Why on earth would you keep announcing your X/6 Wordle score? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: RATES DATES MATES SATES HATES A brief Tinder love story: Swipe right, spend the night, take flight. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) Fives below: Honorable mentions BEERS JEERS WEARY TEARY A Commanders fan's usual quarter-by-quarter experience. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) BULLY RAIDS, BOMBS. CINCH? UHHHH . . . The remarkable turn of events in Ukraine. (Duncan Stevens) BRIEF BRADY BREAK When you realize that being driven into the ground by giant linemen beats being driven up the wall by your kids. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) FAULT FAUCI, TRUST SEUSS Fox on docs. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) BANJO KAZOO DISCO COMBO The least frequently hired musical ensemble. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) SIXTY TIMES ZILCH Success rate of you-know-who's post-election lawsuits. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) SOLID WASTE AUDIT CHIEF How your résumé can describe the year you spent dumpster-diving. (Chris Doyle) MARIE: BLADE ADIEU AHEAD! The 1793 guillotine squad lets the queen know what's coming. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) GRAVY TRAIN WRECK Welcome to inflation. (Mark Raffman) BLECH GROSS SOGGY Back-to-school reviews are in for the cafeteria. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) CHINA INDIA SYRIA NEPAL JAPAN QATAR Oh shoot, I thought I was playing Worldle! (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) TRASH TRUTH, TRUST TRUMP: What suffices for the GOP platform these days. (Jonathan Jensen) TWICE- DAILY SNACK: EXTRA- LARGE PIZZA Your Mama's diet. (Chris Doyle) POLAR DUMBO MUMBO JUMBO Palinspeak. (Jesse Frankovich) SHINY- PATED ASSET- LADEN PAPER OWNER (Jeff Bezos owns The Washington Post.) (Jesse Frankovich) And Last: PRIZE: OLIVE GREEN LLAMA VOMIT What makes Losers try so hard for Invite ink. (Jon Gearhart) And Even Laster: MYERS NAMES OTHER LOSER? FIXED! Trump enters the Invitational, gets no ink. (Steve Benko, Southport, Conn.) And Lastest of All: MYERS MOTTO: SORRY, LOSER. ENTER AGAIN! And I always do. (Jon Gearhart) And Even Lasterest of All: LOSER MINDS THINK ALIKE Why the Empress gets so many entries with the same lame jokes. (Submitted by Jesse Frankovich AND Chris Doyle) Still running — deadline Monday night, April 11: Make new words from any of 36 ScrabbleGrams letter sets. See wapo.st/invite1482. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. The horses to "breed" in Week 1483: Click here to see the list as a printable, searchable four-column Google Doc. Absolute Ruler American Icon American Xperiment Apprehend Barber Road Bargaining Power Be There Beyond Best Bletchley Park Bloodline Boise Bureau Bye Bye Bobby Cant Be Doin That Charge It Clapton Classic Causeway Concept Conclusive Congressman Courvoisier Crown Pride Cyberknife Dean's List Doppelganger Early Voting Echo Zulu Efficiency Electability El Paso Enough Already Enthrallment Epicenter Epoch Ethereal Road Flying Drummer Forbidden Kingdom Glider Goin to the Show Grantham Gunfighter Happy Jack Hopper Howling Time Improper Cisco Live Get ready for Cisco Live 2022 in Las Vegas Advertisement By Cisco Live Bringing the education, inspiration, and fun of Cisco Live back to you. Make it happen - attend the tech event of the year, June 12-16, 2022. Register today In Due Time Iron Works Kerouac Long Term Major General Make It Big Messier Miss Everything Momentous Money Supply Morello Mr White Mugged Nabokov Octane On Thin Ice Overrule Paper Mirror Pappacap Particular Peaceful Waters Presidential Rattle N Roll Rhetoric Rich Strike Rockefeller Script Secret Oath Seventh Letter Shake Em Loose Simplification Slim Man Slow Down Andy Smarten Up Smile Happy Strike Hard Strobe Summer Is Tomorrow Surpassing Take Action Tawny Port The Thunderer Tiz the Bomb Top Secret Trademark Un Ojo Unraptured Verbal Volcanic We the People Wharton White Abarrio Win the Day Witty Zozos ====================================================================== WEEK 1484, published April 17, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1484: Two ways about it — double-entendres What sentence can you say both at the gym and at the hairstylist? Etc. Plus fake meanings for odd words. Image without a caption By Pat Myers April 14, 2022 at 10:01 a.m. EDT Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winning fake definitions of obscure words Something you might say at the gym AND at the hairstylist: "Look how much I can curl!" Something you might say in elementary school AND at the hairstylist: "WHAT are you doing with those scissors?" Something that might be said in elementary school AND at the Jan. 6 committee hearings: "And if he asked you to jump off the bridge, would you do that too?" Here's another run of a double-entendre contest we did in 2019, with all new categories except for an encore of "at the hairstylist" and that ever-popular "in bed." This week: What's something (printable) you could say in two — or more — of these situations: "—In bed "— In elementary school "—At a religious service "— At a gas station "— At the gym "— At the hairstylist "— To a telemarketer "— On a hike "— During a Supreme Court session "— To the Jan. 6 committee Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1484 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, April 25; results appear May 15 in print, May 12 online. Please see either the entry form or The Style Conversational (published late Thursday, April 14) to see how to format your entries. We giveth over this vintage 2011 Loser Mug as this week's second prize. (Pat Myers/TWP) Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a vintage My Cup Punneth Over mug, one of our nicest runner-up prizes ever, one of 144 that were made in 2011. This particular one was regifted by Loser Howard Walderman (he's decluttering), who'd snared it for his third-place bank headline in Week 987. As with all our Loser mugs, this hefty 15-ouncer was designed by Our Own Bob Staake. (Who did the "curl" joke above, by the way.) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Jokabulary" is by Jon Gearhart; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, April 14, at wapo.st/conv1484. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Jokabulary: Old words, fake meanings In Week 1480 the Empress once again dug up some obscure words at random from the Oxford English Dictionary and asked the Loser Community to totally make up definitions for them. Too many people to name said that "rantipole" was used for the Festivus "Airing of Grievances," that "stoach" was a stomach that's had bypass surgery, that "sweven" followed "swix" and that "Galligaskins" was a possible name for what eventually became the Commanders — at least they could still be nicknamed the Skins. 4th place: Anglewitch (actually fishing bait): A homemade doll hung in Scandinavian bathrooms, traditionally believed to bring improved aim to males in the family. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 3rd place: Eftersoons (soon after): Illusory upcoming time periods in which people will "hang out," "do lunch" or "get the kids together." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 2nd place and the electronic "easy" button: Wayzgoose (a printers' festival): The 12-mile GPS detour around a traffic backup that cleared up in two minutes. (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Lushburg (antique coin from Luxembourg): A village so full of drunks, they have a Town Teetotaler. (Frank Mann, Washington) N'OED: Honorable mentions Agonistarch (trainer for ancient athletic games): That piece of bagel that gets stuck halfway down your gullet. "Gaack, I need a glass of water; I have an agonistarch!" (Jenny Epel Muller, Cold Spring, N.Y., a First Offender) Agonistarch: What laundries put on dress shirt collars because neckties aren't uncomfortable enough. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) Agruw (to shudder in horror): To quarrel when inebriated. "How come every time I come home at 2 a.m. we get into an agruwment?" (Byron Miller, Cobble Hill, B.C.) Anglewitch: Picasso's Halloween costume. (Frank Mann) Batie-bummil (a lazy fellow, a fool): An Elizabethan term for a spanking. "Hearken, churl; mind thy comportment, else thou shalt endure a most grievous batie-bummil!" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Battologist (one who keeps repeating oneself needlessly): One who considers himself a military expert. "My parents sent me away to military school, so now I'm a better battologist than any general alive. None of them will even play Risk with me, I'm so good." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Bawrel (a kind of hawk): To take out a loan in the Deep South. (Frank Mann) Chekkelbone (wrist): The rib that gets nudged after a bad joke. (Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.) Cotty (entangled, matted): A sleep-in outhouse. "I booked Joe Manchin's cotty in West Virginia for just $25 a night — found it on Darebnb." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Cotty: The gist of many a one-star mattress review. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Dartre (a skin disease): To escape a conversation that's turning into a monologue on existentialist philosophy. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Doob (a type of grass): Unit of tempo in a Sinatra song: "Frank sang 'Strangers in the Night' at 67 doobs per minute." (Steve Bremner, Philadelphia) Epithymy (lust): A sudden realization that you should have been way more concise. "As she was completing Page 982 of her romance novel, she had a flash of epithymy." (Beverley Sharp) Fankle (to entangle): To annoy a team's followers. "You've renamed the WFT what? Oh, that's gonna fankle." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Fankle: To go to your team's away game and irritate the home crowd. "Those Eagles people sure know how to fankle the season-ticket holders at FedEx — no wonder they're the only ones left in the fourth quarter." (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Fankle: An air-conditioned sock, high-tech sportswear still in beta: "The smell wafting from Jim's fankles cleared the theater." (Frank Osen) Fistmeal (the width of a fist): What Chris Rock and Will Smith went out for after the Oscars. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Fladge (a broad piece of something): An Old Glory pin worn to display self-proclaimed patriotism. "CPAC requires conference attendees to wear their fladges at all times." (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Fladge: Sludge from Florida. "DeSantis is as slimy as Okeechobee fladge." (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Galp (to gape or yawn): Exclamation often heard at the top of the double black diamond run on Mont Blanc. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) Hardhaw (a plant): Veer sharply. "He hardhawed into the trashcans at high speed to avoid Mrs. Glare's evil eye." (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) Hardhaw: A laugh that could shatter plexiglass. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Impanate (contained in bread): To insert a bedpan under a patient. Besides humiliation, this adds a $700 line item to your hospital bill. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) Impanate: To reshape a cartoon character's head with a skillet. "Oof, Popeye got impanated bad "" good thing his head popped back into place 10 seconds later." (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.) Jusson (pertaining to commands): The period right before a deadline. "When did he turn in that paper?" "Jusson time!" (Duncan Stevens) Jusson: Rearranging. "I caught my son jusson himself 20 or 30 times last week." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Knowperts (a plant): Doctors who are experts on throat infections. A rare word that means the same when spelled backwards. (William Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Knowperts: Commentators who say, "I'm no expert, but"¦" meaning, "There is no doubt in my mind that "¦" or "Why should that stop me?" (Coleman Glenn) Limbeck (a distilling apparatus): Conspiracy claptrap inspired by right-wing radio hosts. "Her texts to Mark Meadows were rife with limbeck." (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) Lurdan (a sluggard): Competition among neighboring jurisdictions that involves offering millions of taxpayer dollars to a billionaire and his crappy football team. (Marty Gold, Arlington, Va.) Lushburg (an old coin): A neighborhood of heavy drinkers who live within stumbling distance of one another. (Leslie Atkin, Kensington, Md., a First Offender) Lushburg: A tiny principality that produces the most wine per capita in the world, but doesn't export any. (Ira Allen, Bethesda) Lushburg: A wealthy neighborhood known for its expensive landscaping. "I thought it would be nice and quiet when I moved to the lushburg, but all I hear are leaf blowers from dawn to dusk!" (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) Lushburg: Where life is easy. "Pemmican Point, Alaska, ain't exactly Lushburg." (Jonathan Jensen) Mesonoxian (relating to midnight): Smelling only moderately gross. "After waiting in line for an hour to see the corpse flower at the Botanic Garden, Helen was disappointed that the promised stench was only mesonoxian." (Hannah Seidel) Mesonoxian: This miracle supplement will prevent middle age — and old age as well! — Dr. Oz (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) Rantipole (a wild, reckless person): A baton passed from speaker to speaker in group therapy. "Don, please, possession of the rantipole means you may speak. It doesn't mean you can whack Frank." (Bird Waring) Sprauchle (move clumsily): The second-person masculine past imperative form of whatever it was Zarathustra did. (Lynda Hoover, Shepherdstown, W.Va.) Stoach (to trample): Ryanair's new ticket class where you can fly half-price by stuffing yourself into an overhead bin. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.; Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) Sweven (a dream or vision): A bad answer to "Just how many drinks have you had?" (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee, Fla.) Truandal (beggars): A valid fact, dismissed. "That vaccines save lives may be truandal, but I'm sticking to my horse paste." (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Trypall (a lanky person): A casket-shopping event. "I stopped by the funeral home's trypall for a test rest." (Brett Dimaio) Wayzgoose: GPS enhancement that pinches you in the butt when you make a wrong turn. (Fred Shuback, Silver Spring, Md.) Wayzgoose: Someone who blindly follows the GPS. "When Siri said to turn right, the wayzgoose drove off the bridge." (Bird Waring; Sam Mertens) And Last: Cag-mag (inferior meat): The "Crappy Alternative Gift" Loser magnet. (Beverley Sharp) And Even Laster: Hardhaw: A joke that is so complex it's not funny, just tedious: "I can't believe she didn't run my foal name "" it works on seven different levels! Well, I suppose it could be a bit of a hardhaw to those with inferior minds." (Hannah Seidel) Still running — deadline Monday night, April 18: Our big annual foal-name wordplay contest. See wapo.st/invite1483. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1485, published April 24, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1485: That crazy switchcraft Transpose two letters in a word, name or phrase to make a new one. Plus winning plays on real headlines. Image without a caption By Pat Myers April 21, 2022 at 9:28 a.m. EDT This week's contest: Switch two letters in a word, name, title or phrase and describe the result. Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to this week's winning bank headlines Switch the L and D in LEMONADE and you get DEMON ALE: What made Billy and Susie's curbside stand sell out in 20 minutes. BETTY GARBLE: Famed pin-up model with great legs, not so great a voice. ACT OF DOG: Does your homeowner's policy cover shredded furniture? This week's contest was suggested by 21-time Loser Jeff Rackow, who reminded the Empress of her goof in February when she announced the Week 1474 contest as "Week 1744," and suggested that she at least get a contest out of it. This week: Switch the positions of two letters within a word, name, title or phrase, then describe the result, as in Jeff's "Lemonade/demon ale" example and the others above. The new word can be either one you make up or a wry take on an existing word, as above. (Oh, I guess you could transpose numbers as well. What the heck.) As with all our neologism contests, feel free to include a funny sentence showing how your term could be used, since other Losers might think of the same word, and because we want readers to laugh, you know? Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite1485 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 2; results appear May 22 in print, May 19 online. See this week's entry form or Style Conversational column for how to format your entry. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of adorable Racing Nuns: Rev up the wheels on the bottom, toy-car-style, and send the mini-sisters sweeping gracefully down the hallway. They even have cute freckles beneath their wimples. Donated by Loser Charlie Hummel, whose family had "given up Nun Racing for Lent." Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Head Fakes" was submitted by Jesse Frankovich, Chris Doyle and Tom Witte; Dave Prevar wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. Rev. 'em up: Two-inch-tall Racing Nuns on wheels, this week's second prize. (TWP) The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, April 21, at wapo.st/conv1485. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Head fakes: Plays on headlines from Week 1481 Week 1481 was our perennial Mess With Our Heads contest, in which readers chose a headline from any publication and reinterpreted it by adding a bank head, or subtitle. Among the more than 1,400 submissions, the Post head "Trump Probably Broke Law, Judge Finds" brought many bank heads like "Pope Probably Catholic," "Sun Probably Rose in East Today." 4th place: Post headline: At age 101, he finally got his high school diploma Bank head: Plans gap year; parents skeptical (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.) 3rd place: 'My goal, ultimately, is to get eyeballs': Our exclusive interview with Mr. Potato Head (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) 2nd place and the dancing Hillary Clinton doll: Catholic University names president: 'Biden, duh' (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Surveillance Video Captures Man Throwing Rock Through Two Windows: Slapped comedian just keeps getting assaulted (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Lightheaded: Honorable mentions Date Lab: It wasn't what she expected: Lots more panting and barking, for one thing (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) At age 101, he finally got his high school diploma: Postal service apologizes for delay (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) How to get a husband to stop and listen: Taser unveils new marketing slogan (Allen Haywood, Washington) Looking at trees isn't the only way to mark the National Cherry Blossom Festival: But keep your zipper up anyway (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 'For God's sake, this man cannot remain in power': 'I'm doing my best,' sputters Kroger bagger after Shopper Karen outburst (Michael Cohen, Greenbelt, Md.) 10 women who have made history so far in 2022: Squeezing them all into one article gives us space for real news (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) 97% had visibly reduced lines in one week [face cream ad]: Ga. reports great success in shrinking turnout at polls (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Are we ready for another wave? Queen says she will venture out again next week. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Art Briles steps down as Grambling's offensive coordinator days after being hired: 'I don't get it "" I thought I was being REALLY offensive' (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Birth of a Final Four: 'No more kids!' vows mother of quadruplets (Terry Lewis, Springfield, Va., a First Offender) Bowser eyes bike and bus expansion: 'With the size of today's butts, we've gotta have bigger seats,' D.C. mayor says (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) Bowser plans $10 million effort to support Black homeownership in city: Hopes to expand program to cover 4 homes next year (Allen Haywood) Brain implant allows fully paralyzed patient to communicate: First communication is with billing department (Paul Frantz, San Francisco, a First Offender) Clarence Thomas has some good advice for his wife: Explains how self-destructing message apps work (Karen Golden, Prince Frederick, Md.) Congressman Madison Cawthorn under fire over claims of DC drugs and orgies: 'Why weren't we invited?' demand GOP leaders (Steve Benko, Southport, Conn.; Ken Bredemeier, Fairfax Station, Va., a First Offender) D.C. plans spike in traffic cameras that issue fines: Speeders' tires will be punished instantly by sharp-tipped projectile (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Examination shows how deeply Cruz was involved: Trump colonoscopy shows 'clear nose print,' physician says (Mark Raffman) Getty exhibition features amazing depictions of human body from Renaissance era to today: They turned into bones! (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Giving a fresh listen to Grammy contenders: Picky parents hold second round of interviews for surrogate nana (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) I-395 drivers do stupid things, and he has the tape: Man speeds after speeders while holding his camera out the window (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) If Biden Is Frustrated With Garland, It's His Own Darn Fault: He could have taken down White House Christmas decorations himself, critics say (Jon Grantham, Fairfax, Va.) Hunter admits to killing nearby family's beloved dog: Bannon touts new Biden rumor (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) It's Pride Week in Austin schools. The Texas AG says that's illegal: Envy, lust, gluttony remain lawful, AG assures supporters (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) Jim Jordan prods GOP colleagues to consider impeaching Biden: Other R's refuse because 'Biden is not really president' (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.) LA County sheriff shoots his mouth off again: Will be assigned desk duty after second hospital stay (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Michigan squeaks past surprising South Dakota: Big tectonic shift in Midwest reported (Roy Ashley, Washington) More houses of worship are reopening, but attendance is flat: Deacons fill empty pews with leftover cardboard cutouts (Jon Gearhart) PM Update: Cool but generally pleasant this weekend: Boris Johnson subdued but amiable following difficult workweek (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Private jets multiply in the skies: Mile High Club no longer restricted to humans (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) Racks can make things easier, until it's time to clean: 'When I'm scrubbin' that floor, woo-ee, I tip right over!' Dolly Parton says (Roxi Slemp, Bariloche, Argentina) Russia accused of breaking promise: Duh. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) Russians possibly sick: 'Ya think?' says head of cancer ward at Mariupol Children's Hospital (Don Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) Schools nationwide are quietly removing books from their libraries: 'Big deal that the censors followed our noise rules!' says outraged librarian (Ryan Martinez) She was a candidate to lead Levi's. Then she started tweeting: When she built a nest on her desk, they pressed her to see professional help (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Key Youngkin adviser is paid by political firms, not state: Fellow Republicans praise Va. governor's efforts to control state spending (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) Sink or swim: Fla. Gov. DeSantis signs witch trial bill (Kevin Dopart) Trump is losing his grip on the GOP: Little fingers blamed (Stephanie Smilay, Takoma Park, a First Offender) Smith's slap shows he's not perfect: Analysts: he could have used more thumb, better follow-through (Duncan Stevens) BTS member tests positive for COVID-19: 'Having it swabbed was even worse than the nostril test,' singer says (Bill Dorner) A Deep Dive Into the Blue Period: 'Avatar II: Female Biology' reviewed (Steve Honley, Washington) Paddle Your Own Canoe: And 101 Other Euphemisms for Masturbation (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) 'Cauliflower with curry makes a legit stand-in for the classic chicken salad': Gene Weingarten signals that he's being held hostage (Coleman Glenn) Still running — deadline Monday night, April 25 — tell us a sentence you can use in two given places, like the gym and the hairstylist's. See wapo.st/invite1484. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1486, published May 1, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1486: No can do Give us a clue that someone is incompetent in a particular field. Plus new words drawn from ScrabbleGrams letter sets. Image without a caption By Pat Myers April 28, 2022 at 8:15 a.m. EDT This week's Style Invitational contest; Signs of incompetence in some field. This one was submitted by both Garrett Thomson and Mel Loftus in Week 439. (For The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the ScrabbleGrams neologisms Sign of an incompetent fast-food worker: You order fries and he asks if you want fries with that. (Garrett Thomson; Mel Loftus) Sign of an incompetent phone-sex operator: "I'm 39 and sort of dumpy, wearing a pink housecoat . . . " (Marc Leibert) Sign of an incompetent sommelier: "Do you want a glass with that?" (Kyle Bonney) Sign of an incompetent optometrist: "Can you read the FELOPZ line?" (Sue Lin Chong) Here's a contest that The Style Invitational seems to have done only once before — 20 years ago. It's a straightforward one: Give us a clue that someone was incompetent in a particular field, as in the examples above that got ink in Week 439. (The Empress's predecessor, the Czar, gave the win to the sommelier.) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1486 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 9, 2022; results appear May 29 in print, May 26 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of stretchy yellow tube socks that, when you hold your legs very close together, combine to form an excellent representation of a bag of Crunchy Flamin' Hot Cheetos. They taste better than the real thing, too. They should call these socks CheeToes: This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/TWP) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Rack of Ribs" is by Jon Gearhart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, April 28, at wapo.st/conv1486. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Rack of ribs: Neologisms from ScrabbleGrams letter sets In Week 1482, for the ninth time, we presented dozens of seven-letter "racks" from the ScrabbleGrams word game that appears on The Post's comics pages, and asked the Loser Community to find new terms of five, six or all seven letters. Among the 1,600 entries, lotsa Losers looked at ADDEISY and saw YESDAD, the guy who lets Junior do what NOMOM won't. 4th place: AADMNNS > AND-MAN: Worse than a yes-man. "You're right, sir, we should definitely contest the election "" and I'll call in Rudy Giuliani to lead the effort." (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: ABGLNOO > BLOGNA: Nonsense on the Internet. "She prefaces the recipe with a long story about how she learned it from an old Tuscan woman, but I bet it's a bunch of blogna." (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) 2nd place and the mini-brain and music box: ADVERTISING ACDEGOR CAR ODE: About the virtues of my Civic I wax, distinctly, unequivoc. There's not a thing of which I'm fonda Than this, my '87 Honda. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: ACEFFIN > FACE-FIN: Someone who might hear this: "I'm not saying that nose is big, I'm just sayin' if he was doing the backstroke at the beach, they'd be clearing the water and putting up a red flag." (Jamie S. Martindale, Samutprakan, Thailand) ACHINNU > NAH: Honorable mentions BELMPRU > PURE MLB: A once-fun event that's become excruciatingly long and boring. "That staff retreat was pure MLB." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) BEIMSTU > MISTUBE: To find a very different video from the one you're looking for. "I wanted to watch the latest Samantha Bee, but, boy, did I mistube! I guess I shouldn't have searched on 'full frontal.'"Š" (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) AABCITX > TAXI-CAB: Red wine served in first class en route to the runway. (Bill Hole, Silver Spring, Md., who last got Invite ink in 1999) AABCITX > AB-TAX: The painful price of exercise. "Ow, that 50th sit-up "" man, will I be paying ab-tax tomorrow!" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) AABNNOZ > ANAZON: A copycat site that sells even cheaper knockoffs of cheap knockoffs. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) AABNNOZ > A-Z-ANON: Q doesn't have enough conspiracies for you? Try this cult! (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) AABNNOZ > BAANO: The lead singer of Ewe2. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) AABNNOZ > BOZANNA: A shout of worshipful praise for an orange-haired clown. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va., a First Offender) AADMNNS > NADA, MN: Even less happens here than in Lake Wobegon. (Duncan Stevens) AAEKMRR > AKRAMER: With abandon. "He threw open the door and slid into the apartment all akramer." (Coleman Glenn) AAEKMRR > KRAMERA: A recording device present at just the right moment to end a career. (Don Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) AAHPTWY > PAYWHAT: An oath uttered in grocery stores and gas stations circa 2022. Strong emphasis on the second syllable. (Coleman Glenn) AAHPTWY > PAHTWAY: Bostonian for "somewhat." "We scored some sausages from a street vendor pahtway between Kenmore Square and the T." (Boston native Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) AAKLOOP > LAKAPOO: A new breed of dog genetically engineered to last weeks without having to go outside. (Rick Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) AAKLOOP > LOOKAAP: The last thing you hear before you're hit in the head by a flyball at Fenway Park. (David Blair, Madison, Wis., a First Offender) ABBMOST > ATOM BS: The clearly absurd claim that every-thing is made of invisible particles. "After the break, Tucker will debunk science's atom BS." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) ABEIKLT > ABLET: The goal was six-pack abs, but the result was more a single pony can. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) ABEIKLT > TIKABLE: Inane enough to go viral. (Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md.) ABEIKLT > BILK-TEA: What a MAGA voter drinks after the Kool-Aid. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) ABEIKLT > BEAKLIT: How you end up when a selfie gives you a big shiny nose and a close-up on your pores. (Joy Sibley, Fairfax, Va.) ABEIKLT > IKEA-BLT: A box containing bread, bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, mayo, a wordless diagram, and a few extra ingredients just to confuse you. (Richard Lorentz, Woodland Hills, Calif.) ABGLNOO > LOO NAG: "Everybody try to go potty, even if you don't need to!" (Bill Dorner) ABGLNOO > B-LOOGA: Cut-rate caviar that tastes like phlegm. (,William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) ABGLNOO > LOOBANG: How one earns membership in British Airways' 1.6 Kilometer Club (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Advertisement ABGLNOO > BANGOLO: A honeymoon cottage. (Rob Cohen, Potomac) ABGLNOO > BONGALO: A much mellower abode than a crack house. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) ACDEGOR > GODCARE: A health plan offering unlimited access to thoughts and prayers. (Stephen Gilberg, Silver Spring; Jamie Martindale) ACDEGOR > GROCE: What a grocer does, of course. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) ACDEGOR > GROCED: Overfed. "I've gained 20 pounds! I'm totally groced out." (Beverley Sharp) ACHINNU > UNI-CHA: A simplified Latin dance for the two-left-feet crowd. (Tom Witte) ACHINNU > UNCHIN: Get a facelift. "I was really bothered by the gobble-wobble I had going on, so I've made an appointment to unchin back down to a single." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) ADDEISY > DIS DAY: In this new Hallmark holiday, you send cards to your enemies. (Peggy Blair, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) ADEOPPS > DOPE SPA: Upscale facility where celebrities go for pre-hab. (Mark Raffman) ADEOPPS > DOPE-SAP: Drool. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) ADEOPPS > SODA PEP: Aftermath of "doin' the Dew." (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md., a First Offender) ADEOPPS > POPADE: When life gives you popes, you make this. (Duncan Stevens) AELNPPY > APELY: Strong and hairy. "She walked through my door without opening it first, a raven-haired Amazon goddess so apely I couldn't tell where her grass skirt ended and her legs began." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) BEIMSTU > BUS TIME: Three minutes ago, or an hour from now. (Sam Mertens) BEIMSTU > BUS TIME: The moment when gas goes over five bucks a gallon. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) CDEEILN > INCELED: How Melania handled her husband after the Stormy scandal. (Frank Mann, Washington) CEHIKTT > TECH KIT: A geezer's essential computer accessory, consisting of the grandchild's phone number. (Beverley Sharp) CEHIKTT > TIKTECH: Where nerds post videos of themselves solving calculus problems in 30 seconds. (Richard Friedman, Silver Spring, Md.) DDEILOT > iTODDLE: To annoy everyone behind you by meandering down the sidewalk while checking your phone. (Stuart Rogers, Toronto) DGOOOW > ODDGOO: It's a face cream! No it's a car wax! It's face cream and a car wax! (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) DDGOOOW > OW-GOD: A vengeful deity. Chuck happily skipped church to play golf . . . and Ow-God sent him tumbling down the stairs when he got home. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) EENSTVY > ENVY ST: It's on the other side of the tracks from Easy St. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.; Bill Hole) EGGIRRT > RIGGRET: What Donald Trump felt after losing the 2020 election to Joe Biden "" and what Hillary Clinton felt after losing the 2016 election to Vladimir Putin. (David Heller, Silver Spring, Md., last here in 2011) ACHINNU > UN-CHINA: To bring manufacturing back home. "We better un-China our microchip production." (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) EENSTVY > EENSY-TV: The municipal-access channel. "Joyce thinks everyone recognizes her because she reads the police reports on eensy-TV." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) EENSTVY > STEVENY: Aspiring to the nobility of being a Steven, but can't quite achieve this exalted state. (Steven Honley, Washington) And Last: AAHPTWY > HA-PAY: Style Invitational magnets. (The well-paid Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Still running — deadline Monday night, May 2: Our contest to switch the positions of two letters in a word or name and describe the result. See wapo.st/invite1485. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1487, published May 8, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1487: Colt following — it's the grandfoals More puns on the run: 'Breed' any two of this week's inking foal names Image without a caption By Pat Myers May 5, 2022 at 10:20 a.m. EDT Now that we have our foal name winners, it's time to "breed" them to make grandfoals. (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the inking foal names. As The Style Invitational does every year with the results of our horse name "breeding" contest, we sign those pun-soaked foals right up for some, um, playdates — wordplaydates. This week: "Breed" any two of the "foal" names included in today's results (including the intro) and give the "grandfoal" a name that reflects both names. (An alphabetized list appears at the bottom of this column.) Just as with the Week 1483 contest for this year's Triple Crown nominees, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but the name should be easy to read. Please write entries in the A x B = C format of today's inking entries, and note the easy but essential formatting instructions on this week's entry form (also in The Style Conversational). Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1487 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 16; results appear June 5 in print, June 2 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives another cute plush version of a terrible scourge — no, not a stuffed Vladimir Putin but a cuddly Flesh-Eating Disease, a.k.a. Streptococcus pyogenes, "1,000,000x+ actual size." It even has a little glittery knife and fork sewn on; those and perhaps the cute googly eyes are not biologically authentic. Donated by Dave Prevar. Complete with knife and fork embroidered on, Flesh-Eating Microbe wants only to be cuddled. Bwahaha. (Pat Myers/TWP) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Talk Derby to Me" is by Marni Penning Coleman; Craig Dykstra wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, May 5, at wapo.st/conv1487. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Talk Derby to me: This year's inking foal names As she is every year to her delight if not much free time, in Week 1483 the Empress was deluged with clever (and some not-so-clever) "foal" names that reflect two "parent" names from a list of 100 horses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races. Among the 3,500 entries from more than 300 entrants were funny but too frequent ones like Seventh Letter x Dean's List = G Whiz, or Absolute Ruler x Overrule = Veto Corleone, or Gunfighter x Miss Everything = Dead Gunfighter. See this week's Style Conversational (published late Thursday, May 5) for various plays on Grantham — Downton Grabby, Downton Flabby, Downton Crabby, etc. And be inspired to breed some "grandfoals." 4th place: Volcanic x Cant Be Doin That = Erupt to No Good (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) 3rd place: Smarten Up x Simplification = Dumben Down (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 2nd place and the Poo-Dough mold set: Bloodline x Dean's List = IV League (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Absolute Ruler x We the People = I the People (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) Inexacta: Honorable mentions Smile Happy x Money Supply = Resting Rich Face (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Absolute Ruler x Courvoisier = Genghis Cognac (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Clapton x American Icon = Am Eric, An Icon (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) American Icon x Strobe = Abe Blinkin' (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) Enough Already x Apprehend = Give It Arrest (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.; Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Make It Big x Apprehend = Super Seize Me (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.) Octane x Apprehend = No-Knock Warrant (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.) Bargaining Power x Top Secret = AFL-CIA (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) Trademark x Shake Em Loose = Trad _ _ ark (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Major General x Boise = M*A*S*H Potatoes (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Bye Bye Bobby x Enough Already = Fischer Cut Bait (Malcolm Fleschner) Courvoisier x Rhetoric = Con Yak (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) Doppelganger x Major General = The Very Model! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Nabokov x Doppelganger = Vladimirror (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.) Iron Works x Overrule = Stop the Steel (Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.) Summer Is Tomorrow x Smarten Up = Finals Are Today (Samuel Aaron, Wethersfield, Conn.) Summer Is Tomorrow x Electability = Smear Is Tomorrow (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) Money Supply x Enough Already = Says Nobody (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) Seventh Letter x Enough Already = Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: (Laurie Brink) Un Ojo x Enthrallment = The One Eye Love (Craig Dykstra) Volcanic x Enthrallment = Lava First Sight (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Grantham x On Thin Ice = Downturn Abbey (Sarah Walsh, Rockville) Gunfighter x Smarten Up = Why a Derp? (J.D. Berry, Springfield) Kerouac x Messier = All Over the Road (Coleman Glenn) Miss Everything x Mugged = Missing Everything (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Mr White x Summer Is Tomorrow = Mr Red (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Peaceful Waters x Unraptured = Lake Flaccid (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.; Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Presidential x Trademark = Let's Go Brandin' (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) We the People x Slim Man = The Wee People (Coleman Glenn) We the People x Un Ojo = The Wee Peephole (Frank Mann, Washington) Volcanic x Strike Hard = Whackatoa (Chuck Helwig) Make It Big x Epicenter = Girthquake (Frank Mann) Happy Jack x Money Supply = Nicholson Dimes (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Barber Road x Smile Happy = Snippitydoodah (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Smile Happy x Charge It = Mona Visa (Laurie Brink) Rockefeller x Smile Happy = Die Happy (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Flying Drummer x Messier = Diapercussion (Ben Aronin, Washington) Tiz the Bomb x Messier = Atom and Heave (Beverley Sharp) Messier x Wharton = Pig Penn (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) Barber Road x Crown Pride = Hair to the Throne (Larry Passar, Reston, Va.) Echo Zulu x Crown Pride = Zulu Zulu Top (Kevin Dopart, Washington) American Icon x Barber Road = Stars and Strops (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Barber Road x American Icon = ShavingPrivateRyan (Mark Raffman) Barber Road x Hopper = Sweeney Toad (Laurie Brink; Rob Wolf) Barber Road x Seventh Letter = Hair on a G String (Jonathan Paul) White Abarrio x Mr White = Into the Hoods (Gina Smith, Leesburg, Ind.) Slim Man x Tiz the Bomb = Fat Man (Jeff Lubbers, Takoma Park, Md.) Witty x Peaceful Waters = Oscar Milde (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Cyberknife x Bureau = Sharp Dresser (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.; Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) Simplification x Cyberknife = Occam's Laser (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) Simplification x Bletchley Park = Decoder Ring (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) Classic Causeway x Make It Big = Via Gra (Angus Walker, London) Absolute Ruler x Tawny Port = AlexanderTheGrape (Tim Watts, Great Falls, Va.) Tawny Port x Enough Already = Wine and Jeez (Malcolm Fleschner) Apprehend x Zozos = Catch Some Z's (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Bloodline x American Icon = Heir Jordans (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.) American Icon x Enthrallment = Rapt in the Flag (Jesse Frankovich) Volcanic x American Icon = MoltenJoeDiMaggio (Steve Smith) Apprehend x Bletchley Park = I Caught a Code (Beverley Sharp) Cant Be Doin That x Congressman = Sure I Can (Bill Epstein, Kensington, Md., who last got Invite ink in 1994) Kerouac x Clapton = Wanderful Tonight (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) Wharton x Dean's List = LiedAboutThatToo (Ken Linder, Arlington, Va.) Be There x Dean's List = Not a B There (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Bloodline x Trademark = Aunt"„¢ (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Congressman x Bureau = Adam Schifforobe (Steve Fahey, Olney, Md.) Congressman x Charge It = House of Cords (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) Goin to the Show x Presidential = Wait, Mr. Lincoln! (Mary McNamara, Washington) And Last: Win the Day x Doppelganger = CloningAchievement (Jon Gearhart) Still running — deadline Monday night, May 9: Tell us a humorous sign of incompetence in any particular field. See wapo.st/invite1486. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. The foal names in this week's results that you can use to "breed grandfoals" for Week 1487: Abe Blinkin' Adam Schifforobe AFL-CIA AlexanderTheGrape All Over the Road Am Eric, an Icon Atom and Heave AuntTM Catch Some Z's CloningAchievement Con Yak Dead Gunfighter Decoder Ring Diapercussion Die Happy Downton Crabby Downton Flabby Downton Grabby Downturn Abbey Dumben Down Erupt to No Good Fat Man Finals Are Today Fischer Cut Bait G Whiz Genghis Cognac Girthquake Give It Arrest Hair on a G String Hair to the Throne Heir Jordans House of Cords I Caught a Code I the People Into the Hoods IV League Lake Flaccid Lava First Sight Let's Go Brandin' LiedAboutThatToo M*A*S*H Potatoes Missing Everything MoltenJoeDiMaggio Mona Visa Mr Red Nicholson Dimes No-Knock Warrant Not a B There Occam's Laser Oscar Milde Pig Penn Rapt in the Flag Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Resting Rich Face Says Nobody Sharp Dresser ShavingPrivateRyan Smear Is Tomorrow Snippetydoodah Stars and Strops Stop the Steel Super Seize Me Sure I Can Sweeney Toad The One Eye Love The Very Model! The Wee Peephole The Wee People Trad_ _ ark Veto Corleone Via Gra Vladimirror Wait, Mr. Lincoln! Wanderful Tonight Whackatoa Why a Derp? Wine and Jeez Zulu Zulu Top ====================================================================== WEEK 1488, published May 15, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1488: Let's re-recycle! Come up with humorous uses for products "" parachutes! explosion-resistant trash cans "" offered at RepurposedMaterialsInc.com. Image without a caption By Pat Myers May 12, 2022 at 10:04 a.m. EDT(For The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winning double-entendres. 20 50-foot firehoses with couplings 750 feet of bubble wrap 55-gallon bung barrel 20-foot, 8,000-pound concrete highway barrier blast-resistant trash can 500 31-inch pieces of rope 300 7-by-9-inch foam food trays Baking pans for 32 hamburger buns; pack of 5 or of 134 8-by-80-foot roll of artificial turf 500 used burlap coffee bean sacks The Empress is an almost pathologically thrifty person, one of those people who keep boxes of used jars because they're perfectly fine and we might have extra zubzubzub and maybe we could turn them into yaddayadda. And so she's especially captivated by RepurposedMaterials, a nationwide chain of stores offering ginormously wide assortment of surplus goods from construction, manufacturing and military sources. And she's even recycling this contest — she first ran it in Week 1131 in 2015. This week: Come up with humorous uses for any product or combination of products listed at RepurposedMaterials.com, including but not restricted to the list above. You should account somewhat for the lot size; if you're getting a 500-pack of rope, don't suggest something for one little piece. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1488 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 23; results appear June 12 in print, June 9 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives ... but of course, something recycled: It's a little plastic tray, about 3 by 5 inches, sporting a photo of a young, open-shirted Elvis Presley gazing right up at you. Found in a secondhand store and donated to the Invite by Loser Cheryl Davis. Recycled into this week's second prize: Elvis on a tray. (Pat Myers/TWP) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Twinnuendo" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Tom Witte; Roy Ashley wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, May 12, at wapo.st/conv1488. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Twinnuendo: Double-entendres from Week 1484 Week 1484 was a double-entendre contest; we asked for things you could say in any two situations on a list we supplied. Given the more than 1,600 entries to this contest, it wasn't surprising that some answers were sent by lots of entrants: At a gas station and during a Supreme Court session: "It's pulling way to the right all the time." At the gym and in bed: "Remember to wipe off the equipment after you're done." And of course in a religious service and in bed: "Oh my God!" Not to mention many duplicative "in bed" pairings that wouldn't have been printable anyway. 4th place: At a gas station and to the Jan. 6 committee: "It's all Biden's fault." (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 3rd place: At the hairstylist and in bed: "Well, so much for your expensive volumizer." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the vintage "My Cup Punneth Over" Loser mug: At a gas station and at the hairstylist: "Very funny, ha ha "" no, I wasn't under the influence when I did this." (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: At the gym and in the Jan. 6 committee: "Did you really think you could work with that 250-pound dumbbell and not get hurt?" (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Nolo entendre: Honorable mentions In elementary school and to the Jan. 6 committee: "I need you to use your inside voice, Marjorie." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Advertisement In elementary school and during a Supreme Court session: "It's not nap time, Clarence." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) At a religious service and at the Jan. 6 committee hearing: "Hmmm — I was expecting more people to sing." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.; Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.) At a gas station and to the Jan 6 committee: "We need to take a look under the hood." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) At a gas station and in bed: "I need you, but I hate the fact that you're about 10 percent alcohol right now." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) At a gas station and on a hike: "Perhaps there's no cause for concern, but, you know, that bear(')s watching . . . " (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) At a gas station and in bed: "Yeah, it shouldn't leak like that." (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) In elementary school and to the Jan. 6 committee: "It wasn't my idea "" he made me do it!" (Roger Webb, Ashburn, Va., a First Offender) At the gym and to a telemarketer: "A new personal best — 10 reps today!" (Frank Osen) At the hairstylist and in bed: "My neighbor highly recommended you." (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) At a religious service and to the Jan. 6 committee: "I may be here, but I'm not one of those fanatics!" (Karen Lambert) At the hairstylist and during a Supreme Court session: "I prefer how Ruth used to do it." (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) In elementary school and in bed: "How would you like it if someone did that to you?" (Francis Canavan, Reston, Va.) At a religious service and at a gas station: "Looks like I need to hand over 10 percent of my annual income." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) At a gas station and at the hairstylist: "Hmm, looks like you recently had a nasty blowout." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) At a gas station and to the Jan. 6 committee: "You've got a leak, but I don't know where it's coming from." (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) At a gas station and at the hairstylist: "Jeez, whoever put your plugs in didn't know what they was doin'." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) At a religious service and at the Jan. 6 committee: "Give Satan an inch and he'll become your ruler." (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) At a religious service and to a telemarketer: "God, what do you want from me?" (Ben Aronin, Washington) At the gym and in bed: "If you improve your form, you may be able to do more repetitions." (Henry J. Aaron, Washington) At the gym and to the Jan. 6 committee: "I feel I really need a shower." (J.F. Martin, Naples, Fla.) At the hairstylist and in bed: "You're kinda receding but I can still work with it." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) In bed and at a religious service: "What do you mean I have to wake up now?" (Jean Lightner Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) To a telemarketer and in bed: I did say up front that I had only three minutes. Bye! (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.) At a gas station and at the gym: "I'm here because of a broken belt." (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) At a gas station and to the Jan. 6 committee: "Man, this is going to cost me everything." (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington) At a religious service and to the Jan. 6 committee: "Let me tell you more about this magical being who can do no wrong." (Leif Picoult) In elementary school and to the Jan. 6 committee: "Today we're going to learn about Q!" (Ryan Martinez) At the hairstylist and in bed: "Sure, Bob, I remember you from last time. How are the wife and kids?" (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) At a religious service and on a hike: "No, sweetie! That water isn't for drinking!" (Sarah Walsh, Rockville) At the gym and to the Jan. 6 committee: "So what's it gonna take to make this go away?" (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City) In elementary school and during a Supreme Court session: "God, recess can't get here soon enough!" (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.) At a gas station and in bed: "Sorry, only self-service available today." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Frank Osen) In elementary school and at the gym: "Hey! I was using that! No fair! That's my seat! MY SEAT!" (Jon Gearhart) On a hike and to the Jan. 6 committee: I went to use the toilet but couldn't because someone left a huge log in it. (Steve Smith) To a telemarketer and in bed: "You woke me up for THIS?" (Jonathan Jensen) In elementary school and at the Jan. 6 committee: "Now we're going to watch a video about bullying." (Terri Berg Smith) Advertisement In bed, in elementary school, at a religious service, at a gas station, at the gym, at the hairstylist, to a telemarketer, on a hike, during a Supreme Court session and to the Jan. 6 committee: "I won the election by a landslide!" — D.J.T. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) Still running — deadline May 16: Our annual "grandfoal" contest to "breed" last week's winning foal names to make even more puns. See wapo.st/invite1487. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1489, published May 22, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1489: Let's movie things around Rearrange the words in a film title to make a new one. Plus neologism winners with another switch. Image without a caption By Pat Myers May 19, 2022 at 9:22 a.m. EDT(Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winning neologisms with transposed letters Talk, Pillow!: A lonely woman wishes her most intimate partner would just love her back. (Kathye Hamilton, Week 1008, 2013) Wonderful? It's a Life: Grandpa Irving pooh-poohs being in the Greatest Generation. (Ellen Ryan, Week 1008) Left? My Foot! The Democratic presidential candidates squabble over who's the most liberal. (Brendan Beary, Week 524, 2003) This week's results are from a contest to transpose two letters within a word, phrase or name; now, in Week 1489 — a contest that we ran to great success in 2003 and again in 2013 — we're pulling another switcheroo: Rearrange the words of a movie title to create a new movie, then describe it, as in the inking entries above from those contests. You may change the punctuation as well. This contest doesn't work so well with obscure titles, since most readers wouldn't know what movie you were rearranging. Fortunately we last did this contest nine years ago, so there should be a bit of fresh material out there. See this week's Style Conversational column to see the earlier contests' results so you don't send us the same jokes. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1489 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 30; results appear June 19 in print, June 16 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — in celebration of, for many of us, the Return to the Office: a pair of Pez dispensers featuring Michael and Dwight of "The Office." Plus six packs of Pez, the most disgusting candy on Earth after Peeps, candy corn and Circus Peanuts. Wait, I forgot Pop Rocks ... Donated by Loser Kathleen Delano. The height of Office decor: This week's second prize. (TWP) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Switch Witters" was submitted by both Tom Witte and Jesse Frankovich; Mark Raffman wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's at wapo.st/conv1489. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Switch witters: Transposing letters In Week 1485 we asked you to switch the positions of two letters within a word, phrase, name or title, then describe the result. My goodness, people had a variety of ideas of how to TAP MYERS. 4th place: FEDEX FIELD > DEFEX FIELD: A stadium full of flaws that hosts a team full of flaws. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: CRITICAL RACE THEORY > CRITICAL CARE THEORY: A concept banned in Florida medical schools because it makes insurance companies feel bad. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) 2nd place and the rev-up Racing Nuns: UMBILICAL CORD > UMBILICAL DORC: A 40-year-old guy who still lives with his mom. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: TODAY > TOADY: It's always at the top of Kevin McCarthy's desk calendar. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Fun 'nuf: Honorable mentions BEEFCAKE > FEEBCAKE: "Muscular guys do nothing for me. Gimme some of that feebcake from the engineering dorm!" (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.) AULD LANG SYNE > AULD LANG NYSE: What stockbrokers sing to usher in the New Year. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) FAUCI > FAICU: A 17-syllable health warning. Science helps us put The win in Darwinian Get vaccinated (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) INSTAGRAM > ISNTAGRAM: Offline media-sharing platform. "Aunt Betty is the queen of Isntagram: She loves to mail me photos she clipped from the paper." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) PONCE DE LEON > PENCE DE LOON: Alas, he thought he'd found the Fountain of Truth in the Florida waters of Mar-a-Lago. (Chris Doyle) A FAREWELL TO ARMS > A FAREWELL TO RAMS: The Story of Abraham and Isaac. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) AMBER HEARD > A BM'ER HEARD: Johnny Depp's ex and party pooper. (Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.) BACTERIA > CABTERIA: What an Uber Eats car smells like at the end of the shift. (Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md.) BADASS > SADABS: A body that doesn't match the attitude. (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) BOSTON > SOBTON: Home of the Red Sox during the "Curse of the Bambino" years. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) CALIFORNIA ROLL > CALIFORNIA R? LOL: Commentary on the GOP's chances to unseat Sen. Alex Padilla. (David Peckarsky, Tucson) COMPUTER > ROMPUTEC: Device that connects only to dating apps. " I get much better results with my new Romputec "" no distracting news. emails or work assignments!" (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.) DEMITASSE > MEDITASSE: A small cup of coffee just large enough to brood into. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) DIMWIT > MIDWIT: Someone who's not quite as dumb as you thought. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) DUMBO > BUM DO: A haircut that makes your ears look big. (Jonathan Jensen) FRAT PARTY > FART PARTY: A frat party. (Tom Witte) HIGH NOON > HIGH NO-NO: The FAA vows to crack down on the Mile High Club. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) L.A. CONFIDENTIAL to A.L. CONFIDENTIAL: Pssst "" the Orioles are not going to win the division this year. (Roy Ashley, Washington) LEGO > GELO: These make it much safer to go barefoot in your kid's room. (Barrett Swink, Gainesville, Va.) LIGHT SNACK > NIGHT SLACK: The downfall of many a diet. "I was doing really well, but then night slack hit and I ate 17 Oreos." (Kate Sammons, Ashburn, Va.) MONSTER > NOMSTER: A creature that will eat you out of house and home. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) PELOSI > LEPOSI: A disease caused by staying in one position for too long. (Craig Dykstra) PICTURE> PICTRUE: Selfie where you have giant nose pores, bedhead and that 10 pounds "the camera added." (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) RUBBISH > BURBISH: The faintest possible praise for a housing development. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) SALEM, MASS. > MALES, MASS.: More than 300 years after its witch trials, one town still can't persuade women to move back. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) SIMPLIFICATION > MISPLIFICATION: A point completely lacking in nuance. "Telling a depressed person to "just cheer up" is a bit of a misplification, don't you think?" (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) SURREAL > RUSREAL: "What we're doing in Ukraine isn't war; it's just a special military operation." (Steve Honley, Washington) THE ODD COUPLE > THE DoD COUPLE: Recently retired Donald Rumsfeld moves in with Leon Panetta. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.) WALL-E > WELL A: An inspiring movie about a plucky robot who makes the world safe to drill for oil again. Brought to you by ExxonMobil. (Duncan Stevens) X Æ A-12 > X A Æ-12: What Elon Musk almost named his first child, but that would have been weird. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) IDIOT > IDIOT: I switched the I's! Aren't I clever? (Frank Mann, Washington) MY BIG AFT GREEK WEDDING: Kim Kardashian takes her nuptials to Athens. (Gary Crockett) AWFFLE: A breakfast item made with spoiled batter. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) CARBALOUNGER: "Nothing better than kicking back in the Carbalounger with Netflix and chips." (Jonathan Jensen) CHRIS CORK: Well, he should have put SOMETHING in his mouth. — W. Smith, Hollywood (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) CORKY MOUNTAIN HIGH: Enjoying the Colorado winery tour. (Joy Sibley, Fairfax, Va.) DENIAL CRAIG: "I'm still Bond! James Bond!" (Gary Crockett) GRETA EXPECTATIONS: Zero carbon emissions by yesterday, dammit! (Jesse Frankovich) HAIR-KIRI: To shear one's head in shame after getting an especially bad haircut. (Jonathan Jensen) LOLCATERAL DAMAGE: "Getting a video of Tenzig jumping onto my face was definitely worth the lolcateral damage." (Don Norum) LONE TSAR STATE: Gov. Greg Abbott's latest pipe dream. (Chris Doyle) NAPDEMIC: Communicable narcolepsy. "The napdemic started as just a single yawn in a Chinese market." (Kevin Dopart) NAPDEMONIUM: The havoc your little demons wreak while Mommy closes her eyes for five minutes. (Jon Gearhart) PORTNOY'S COMPLIANT: A lust-ridden bachelor is finally persuaded by changing times and a restraining order to keep to himself. (Alex Steelsmith, Kailua, Hawaii; John McCooey) REBEL WITHOUT A SAUCE: Defying his parents, Jimmy refuses to eat anything but plain pasta and dipless Doritos. (Gary Crockett) SIDNEY WORLD: Theme park based on total fantasy, featuring a stinky little rat named Rudy. (Frank Mann) TENFLIX: A severely downsized movie streaming service. (Chris Doyle) WEATHER THE STROM: To wait out the retirement of an ancient politician. "The rising star coveted the Senate seat but knew he'd have to weather the strom till the incumbent keeled over." (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) WETS SIDE STORY: Two dogs from rival New York City families and the fire hydrant that brings them together. (Duncan Stevens) WETS SIDE STORY: Long-forgotten tales of the men and women who fought to repeal Prohibition. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) WHAT HATH DOG WROUGHT?: "That settles it, Scooby, you definitely need more fiber in your diet." (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Still running — deadline Monday, May 23: Our contest for funny ways to use the surplus products listed on the RepurposedMaterials website. See wapo.st/invite1488. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1490, published May 29, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1490: It's parody time Write a song about something in the news. Plus signs of incompetence in various fields. Image without a caption By Pat Myers May 26, 2022 at 11:13 a.m. EDT A runner-up by Diana Oertel in our Week 1486 contest for signs of incompetence in a particular profession. See the rest of the winners below. (For The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winners of our contest for signs of incompetence Last weekend the Empress joined 70-some sweaty but otherwise jovial Losers and assorted hangers-on at the 26th (!!!) annual Flushies, the Loser Community's own awards "banquet," a spirited potluck/schmoozefest; congratulations to Loser of the Year Frank Mann, who scored more Invite ink last year than anyone else — well, except for some previous Losers of the Year "¦ nine of them. How Loserly is that! The E's favorite part of the Flushies is the singalong of Loser-penned songs — so let's make some more: Write a satiric song about anything in the news these days, set to any familiar tune. Online, we'll link to a recording of the original so that readers can sing along, but the results that will run in the print Post — including the top four winners — will be set to very well known songs. Videos are welcome as well (send us a YouTube link along with your lyrics); in fact, if you make a video, feel free to write your own tune. See this week's entry form for more instructions about how to submit your entries, and this week's Style Conversational for more about Invite songs in general. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1490 (no capitals in the Web address). As usual with song contests, you get an extra week: Deadline is Monday, June 13; results appear June 26 in print, June 23 online. This week's second prize, a Humphrey-Muskie campaign bottle. (They came in second, too.) (Pat Myers) Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine heavy glass collectible bottle from the 1968 presidential campaign, depicting a Democratic donkey and the embossed images of Hubert Humphrey and running mate Ed Muskie. (Spoiler: They didn't win.) It's so weirdly quaint that were it not for the personae, you'd have guessed it was from the 1868 campaign. Regifted back to the Invite by Dave Zarrow, who won it in Week 449 in 2002. Dave is one of the very, very, very few Losers to get ink in each of the 30 years of The Style Invitational, so you can understand the tchotchke-deaccessioning. Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "LinkedOut" was submitted by both Jon Ketzner and Tom Witte; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, May 26, at wapo.st/conv1490. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... LinkedOut: Signs of job incompetence In Week 1486, the Empress asked for indications that someone was incompetent at a particular job. Among some 2,000 entries, too many to credit were of a proctologist directing a patient to "open wide and say 'ah.'" 4th place: Sign of an incompetent astronaut: "Are we there yet?" (Diana Oertel, San Francisco) 3rd place: Cake decorator: "Happy Birthday Brian With a Y!" (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the Cheetos socks: Sign of an incompetent stand-up comic: "There aren't any of those oversensitive people in the audience tonight, are there?" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Sign of an incompetent babysitter: "Don't worry about me touching your booze. I brought my own." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) CAN'T EVEN: Honorable mentions Auto mechanic: "That's so funny — my car makes the exact same noise!" (Paul Frantz, San Francisco) Cop: "Come on over here, folks. Lots to see!" (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Husband: "C'mon, honey, nobody cares how fat your butt looks." (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.) Drill sergeant: Barks, "Left! Left! Left! Left! "¦." (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) ADVERTISING Car detailing service: Uses a mulching vacuum. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Spa massage therapist: "Do you prefer Metallica or AC/DC?" (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) Brain surgeon: (whispers to self) "You got this!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.) Anesthesiologist: "Now count backward from 28,564,931." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Zillionaire: "Next I'm buying Coca-Cola to put the cocaine back in." (Kira Robbins, Los Angeles, a First Offender) Dog groomer: "I just thought your collie might enjoy these cornrows." (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Drill sergeant: "What a fine looking bunch of soldiers! Shall we do some push-ups?" (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Film producer: "I say we do a live-action 'Bambi.'" (Karen Lambert) Physician's receptionist: Instead of calling patients by their names, use their maladies: "Mr. Hernia, the doctor will see you now; you'll be next, Ms. Breast Augmentation Candidate." (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Tollbooth attendant: A sign in the window reads, "Taking a break — back in 10." (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) "America's Got Talent" contestant: Performs transcribed Yoko Ono solos on kazoo. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Accountant: "The font kept showing up red at the bottom of the column, so I just changed the screen settings to black-and-white." (Kate Sammons, Ashburn, Va.) Cat trainer: They think their job is possible. (Aaron Olszewski, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) Algebra teacher: "Let's simplify the equation by multiplying each side by zero." (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Baby: Neglects to wake parents at 1:30, 3 and 4 a.m. for important babbling. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa., father of four) Bank robber: "Give me your money. I have a gun in the car and I'm not afraid to get it!" (Frank Mann, Washington) Bank robber: "Woohoo, no more mandate, off with my mask!" (Karen Lambert) Bank robber: "No need to hand over the cash — just transfer the amount to my account here that's listed on this deposit slip." (Howard Walderman) Astronaut: "This helmet makes it really hard to smoke." (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Aztec: "Hey, Monty, that's the liver!" (Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.) Priest: "Sorry, I only do Last Rites from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., Monday through Friday." (Karen Golden, Prince Frederick, Md.) Baseball player: "What's a superstition?" (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) Capitol tour guide: "And here's where important members of Congress go to get evacuated if there's an insurrection or something." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Dairy farmer: "I like these cows that got only one — they take a lot less time to milk." (Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.) Dentist: "I wear these earplugs so I'm not distracted by the screaming." (Terri Berg Smith) Dietitian: "Are you going to finish that?" (Andy Promisel, Fairfax, Va.) Firefighter: "Who wants s'mores?" (Paul Frantz) Fox News anchor: "I can't read this. It's too ridiculous." (Bill Bouyer, Ocoee, Fla.) Grave robber: Plunders columbaria. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Hit man: Dumps victims in the river with their feet encased in Styrofoam. (Chris Doyle) Jockey: Always brings along his lucky anvil. (Duncan Stevens) Marriage counselor: "Oh, for heaven's sake! Why don't you just kiss and make up? That'll be $150, please." (Beverley Sharp) Marriage counselor: "So this is the old ball-and-chain, eh." (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) Life support system technician: Asks, "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) Oyster shucker: "Anybody want this shiny white marble I found?" (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Nurse: Forgets to say "for me" with each request. (Dave Leveton, Gainesville, Va.) Pilot: "Does anyone on board have Waze on their phone?" (Bill Bouyer) Plastic surgeon: "Ohh, I thought you meant Marilyn Manson!" (Gregory Huyck, Frederick, Md.) Poker player: "Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!" (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) Porn actor: "I'm not sure this scene is true to my character." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Psychiatrist: "Don't be shy. I talk to crazy people all day!" (Bill Smith, Reston, Va.) Rabbi: Wears a yarmulke with a propeller. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Real estate agent: "Plus it has 3½ crappers!" (Jean Sorensen) Reality TV contestant: "The one thing I will NOT do is humiliate myself!" (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) Wedding planner: "Buy one, your next is 50 percent off!" (Mark Raffman) Wine taster: "I'm detecting notes of "¦ grape? Yeah, definitely grapy." (Coleman Glenn) Zookeeper: "Aww, look — the fox wants to play with the flamingos! Isn't that cute?" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) And Last: Style Invitational entrant: "Hey, Empress, if you don't understand this entry, just email me and I'll e-x-p-l-a-i-n." (Jeff Shirley) Still running — deadline Monday, May 30: Our contest to rearrange the words in a movie title and describe the new movie. See wapo.st/invite1489. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1491, published June 5, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1491: The add biz Add a letter -- once or more -- to a word beginning with A-E to make a new word. Plus winning 'grandfoals.' Image without a caption By Pat Myers June 2, 2022 at 10:00 a.m. EDT(Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to this year's winning "grandfoal" names Arbyss: The deepest part of the stomach, reserved for two Giant Roast Beefs, large Curly Fries and a chocolate shake. (Danny Organek) Auntiques: That crocheted tea cozy and the scented stationery. (Deborah Guy) Santagonism: A form of threatening mind control that parents practice on their children every December. (Lawrence McGuire) Empress > Temptress: Someone who keeps luring me in with the illusory hope of winning a prize. (Steve Glomb) The Style Invitational has had a [your noun here]-load of neologism contests in which you change a word, name, etc., by one letter — adding it, dropping it, moving it. But rarely if ever in the past 1,490 contests have we done an add-only one. Longtime Loser Steve Glomb suggests such a contest, but with one extra opportunity: Choose any word, name or phrase beginning with A through E (for someone's name, it can be either the first or last name), then add any single letter of the alphabet to it — one or more times — and define the result or show how it would be used, as in the examples above from earlier contests, except Empress > Temptress, which was Steve's example just now (and why, the Empress figures, he suggested the letter-repeat variation). The E is adding the A-through-E limitation because (1) it'll help keep her from having far more good entries than she can possibly run, and (2) she can redo this contest four more times yayyyy. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1491 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, June 13; results appear July 3 in print. June 30 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a back scratcher made from a dried alligator hand, complete with four long claws. (If it's not called a hand, it should be; it looks just like one.) Regifted from the Loser Crap Collection of Dave Zarrow, who won it for a limerick he wrote in 2004. The alligator-foot back scratcher. Felt pretty scratchy! (Mark Holt) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Re-manes of the Day" is by Mark Raffman; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. Sponsored Video Advertisement By Advertising Partner Watch to learn more Learn more The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week's, published late Thursday, June 2, at wapo.st/conv1491. The "You're Invited" podcast: Eighteen half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Re-manes of the day: 'Grandfoals' from Week 1487 As we do each year, in Week 1483 we asked the Losers to "breed" any two names from a list of 100 of this year's Triple Crown-nominated racehorses, then name the "foal" to reflect both names; e.g., Smarten Up was "bred" to Simplification to produce Dumben Down. Then in the follow-up contest of Week 1487, they bred any two of the foal names. So here are the top "grandfoals" among more than 2,200 entries. 4th place: No-Knock Warrant x Lake Flaccid = DEA'd in the Water (Frank Mann, Washington) 3rd place: Finals Are Today x Catch Some Z's = Got Some F's (Andrew Hatziyannis, Rockville, Md.) 2nd place and the plush toy Flesh-Eating Disease; Catch Some Z's x I the People = Nap Bonaparte (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Atom and Heave x Pig Penn = Hurls Before Swine (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.) C-biscuits: Honorable mentions Let's Go Brandin' x Aunt"„¢ =We ® Family (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) CloningAchievement x All Over the Road = One to Many (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) All Over the Road x M*A*S*H Potatoes = Carpool Klinger (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) Am Eric, An Icon x Wait, Mr. Lincoln! = Am Eric, a Cousin (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.) Atom and Heave x Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: = Chain Re:action (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Catch Some Z's x Die Happy = R.I.P. Van Winkle (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) AlexanderTheGrape x Mr Red = Pete Rosé (Francis Canavan, Reston, Va.) Dead Gunfighter x LiedAboutThatToo = Pushing Up Doozies (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) Decoder Ring x Pig Penn = Aha! IgpayAtinlay! (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.) IV League x Fat Man = Prince Ton (Ward Foeller, Charlottesville, Va.) IV League x M*A*S*H Potatoes = Cornell Potter (Rob Wolf) Fat Man x Mona Visa = Lardo da Vinci (Rob Wolf) Fat Man x Via Gra = Sydney Groinstreet (Kevin Dopart) Finals Are Today x Missing Everything = I Dream That, Too (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) G Whiz x Missing Everything = G Wizards (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) Hair on a G String x Snippitydoodah = Thong of the South (Mary McNamara, Washington; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Heir Jordans x LiedAboutThat Too = Scion Fiction (Kevin Dopart) House of Cords x Dumben Down = Rope-a-Dope (John Klayman, Fairfax, Va.; Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington) House of Cords x Missing Everything = Jos. A. Blank (Roxi Slemp, Bariloche, Argentina) House of Cords x Snippitydoodah = Snippety Doula (Harold Mantle) I Caught a Code x The Wee Peephole = Rheum With a View (Jonathan Paul) I the People x Erupt to No Good = I the Pimple (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) I the People x Snippitydoodah = HuBris (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.) The One Eye Love x LiedAboutThatToo = Sikelops (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.) The One Eye Love x Erupt to No Good = Slyclops (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Missing Everything x Finals Are Today = Disappearing ACT (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.) MoltenJoeDiMaggio x I Caught a Code = Mr. Coughee (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.; Rob Wolf) Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: x Give It Arrest = Finish It, Aretha! (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: x I Caught a Code = Re:Morse (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Resting Rich Face x LiedAboutThatToo = Resting Mitch Face (Stephen Dudzik) Says Nobody x M*A*S*H Potatoes = SilenceOfTheYams (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) Via Gra x AFL-CIA = Amor Perfect Union (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Why a Derp? x Mona Visa = Duh Vinci (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.) Wine and Jeez x LiedAboutThatToo = Pinotcchio (Karen Lambert) Downton Crabby x Fat Man = Quarrel and Hardy (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.) Downton Crabby x Finals Are Today = Downton Crammy (Jeff Contompasis) AlexanderTheGrape x Downton Grabby = AlexanderThe Grope (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.; Rob Wolf) Let's Go Brandin' x I the People = Le Tat C'est Moi (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Catch Some Z's x G Whiz = Rip Van Tinkle (Lewis Lesansky, Burke, Va.) Catch Some Z's x LiedAboutThatToo = Fake Snooze (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Catch Some Z's x Wine and Jeez = I Need a Napa (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.) CloningAchievement x Heir Jordans = Be Like Mike (David Letizia, Pinehurst, N.C.; Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) Con Yak x Why a Derp? = Oxey Moron (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.; Kevin Dopart) Dead Gunfighter x Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: = Wild Bill Hiccup (Matt Monitto) Decoder Ring x The Wee People = Ovalteeny (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) Fat Man x Mr Red = Chris Crispy (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Die Happy x Sweeney Toad = Die Hoppy (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.) Die Happy x Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: = Die Yappy (Kate Sammons, Ashburn, Va.) Erupt to No Good x Into the Hoods = Mount St. Hellions (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) Heir Jordans x IV League = ER Jordans (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Lake Flaccid x Sharp Dresser = Droopy Drawers (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.; Chris Doyle) LiedAboutThatToo x Catch Some Z's = Bull Dozer (Jeff Contompasis) M*A*S*H Potatoes x Diapercussion = KP Doody (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) M*A*S*H Potatoes x Mr Red = Major Burns (J.D. Berry; Stephen Dudzik) Missing Everything x IV League = Dazed & Transfused (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Dead Gunfighter x Heir Jordans = Billy the GOAT (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) The Very Model! x Missing Everything = Heidi Klumsy (Stephen Gilberg, Silver Spring, Md.) Sharp Dresser x Says Nobody = Nice Sweater Vest! (Leif Picoult, Rockville) Downton Grabby x Mona Visa = Leonardo da Pinchy (Jesse Rifkin) Am Eric, An Icon x Lake Flaccid = Laylo (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Wanderful Tonight x Resting Rich Face = Hobotox (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Mr Red x All Over the Road = Skid Marx (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park) Erupt to No Good x Lake Flaccid = Erupt to No Wood (Leif Picoult) Still running — deadline also Monday, June 13: Our contest for songs about the news. See wapo.st/invite1490. DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== WEEK 1492, published June 12, 2022 Style Invitational Week 1492: Set us right Send us some conservative-leaning humor. Plus winning uses for reusing 750 feet of bubble wrap and other offbeat items. Image without a caption By Pat Myers June 9, 2022 at 10:08 a.m. EDT Who says we don't tweak the libs? Steve Honley's winning (though not accurate) prediction for 2018. (The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winning ideas for reusing surplus items. What's the difference between a conservative commentator and a liberal commentator? One is called a conservative commentator; the other is called a commentator. (Jeff Contompasis, Week 558) How can you tell if a pickup truck is owned by a liberal? That's a trick question -- Volvo doesn't make pickup trucks! (Bruce W. Alter, Week 558) One of the entries to Week 1488 "" ideas for reusing various odd surplus items "" included this note to the Empress: "Interesting to see if any conservative leaning entrants get published." The accompanying entries: "55-gallon bung barrel: The latest thing Joe Biden blamed for inflation." "Baking pans for 32 hamburger buns: What the Biden White House sent to red states instead of baby formula." "500 31-inch pieces of rope: Group of Philadelphia voters in the 2020 election." Okay, Mr. Michael Magee of Arlington, they're published! The E's still puzzling over that last one with the rope, but she was inspired "" especially in Week 1492, evoking a year that, to much of our polarized nation, is no longer one to celebrate joyfully "" to bring back one of her first contests. Noting that the political jokes in her most recent contest in 2004 had "ranged from Gentle Tweaking of the [G.W. Bush] Administration to Raving Leftist Screed," she asked for this, and now does again: Send us conservative-leaning humor in a Q&A joke format or a knock-knock joke, as in the examples above. What's "conservative"? In the past 19 years, "conservative" has become equated by many with "bigoted," "hateful," etc.; well, duh, don't send us anything bigoted or hateful. But surely the Blue World has lots of valid wit-targets out there. (This week's cartoon illustrates Steve Honley's winning "News in Preview" prediction in Week 1260, that on Oct. 12, 2018, the city of Columbus would get a new name.) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1492 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, June 20; results appear July 10 in print, July 7 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pen topped with a young Donald Trump wearing boxing gloves. Press levers on the back and the arms punch out. If you replace the battery it also says things like "My attitude is huge" and "Don't touch the hair," but it's now out of power. Donated by Loser Steve Leifer. And we'll even throw in an old paperback collection of "The Speeches of Spiro Agnew," regifted by Loser Howard Walderman. Slim Trump the Boxer on a Pen: Just part of this week's second prize. (TWP) Other runners-up win their choice of our "For Best Results, Pour Into Top End" Loser Mug or our "Whole Fools" Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "A Small Jester of Appreciation" or "Close, but Ceci N'est Pas un Cigare." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline "Refurb Madness" is by Jon Gearhart; Kevin Dopart and Chris Doyle each came up with the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; "like" the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. This week's includes more conservative humor from past contests. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Refurb madness: The second-use ideas of Week 1488 In Week 1488 we directed the Loser Community to the website of RepurposedMaterials and asked how they might reuse any of the surplus items listed there. Most of them, it seems, didn't know (or, more likely, didn't want to know) that a bung barrel is just a vat with a hole where you can put a stopper or faucet. Meanwhile, a disturbing number of people wanted to match up those 500 pieces of rope with members of Congress. Honestly. 4th place: Baking pans for 32 hamburger buns; pack of 134: With these 4,288 indentations to use as breeding pools, my mosquito breeding farm is going to go BIG! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 3rd place: Pink steel pipe nipples: Even better than tearing down Confederate statues is giving them long-lasting pink nipples! (Kevin Dopart, vacationing in Naxos, Greece) 2nd place and the vintage Elvis tray: Mall kiosk display unit: During a pandemic, or just to save on gas, you can still get the mall experience by setting this up in your living room and walking right by it. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: 80-foot roll of artificial turf: Do you enjoy hiking, but hate rocks, tree roots and mud? Just unroll this baby every 80 feet and you'll keep your shoes neat and your toes from getting stubbed. Turns the Appalachian Trail into a stroll in the park in just 145,200 easy stages. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Second Hand Noes: Honorable mentions 55-gallon bung barrel: For those mornings when 54 gallons of coffee doesn't seem to be enough to wake you up. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 8-by-80-foot roll of artificial turf: Perfect for a roof garden where you can grow artificial flowers and vegetables. (John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland) 500 31-inch pieces of rope: Great for elementary school science fair projects, like a diorama of Clifford the Big Red Dog's intestinal worms. (Kevin Dopart) Examination gloves, small: Five-use condoms! (Did I say small? Large. I meant large.) (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) 20-foot, 8,000-pound concrete highway barrier: I live at the end of a dead-end street and drivers keep turning around in my driveway. When I put this in the way, that'll be the end of THAT annoyance! (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Highway barrier: Build a wall next to the Mexico section of "It's a Small World" at Disney World, because it's not THAT small. — R. DeSantis, Tallahassee (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Highway barrier: A perfect prop for kicking off the "Christie 2024" campaign in Fort Lee, N.J. (Frank Mann, Washington) 300 7-by-9-inch foam food trays: Paint them gray, yellow and green, and hold Giant Wordle games on the Mall. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Duncan Stevens) 300 foam food trays: Use a hamburger mold to cut out as many foam disks as needed. Season with salt and pepper. Pop them on the grill for no more than two seconds, et voilà , the best vegan barbecue ever! (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.) 300 foam food trays + Zycosil Multi-Surface Water Repellent, 5 Quarts: Well, you have been wanting to re-tile your bathroom ... (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) 20,000 2-ounce plastic bottles: Now you can carry on more than 300 gallons of wine on your next flight. (Kevin Dopart) 5 gallons multipurpose synthetic grease: Begin your company's big-city construction project by inviting local officials to a "hands on" planning meeting. (Mark Raffman) 500 31-inch pieces of rope: Lay them end to end and use the measurement of 24.46338383838384 percent of a mile to calibrate your pedometer. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.) 500 31-inch pieces of rope: Package each piece separately for sale at MAGA rallies as "Authentic Jan. 6 souvenirs." (Lee Graham) 500 used burlap coffee bean sacks: Perfect for storing 500 31-inch pieces of rope. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) Used turf from a sports arena: Kids play soccer? Install this in your basement, and they can practice falling down, writhing around, and grabbing a knee or ankle to trick the ref into calling a foul, just like the pros! (Roy Ashley, Washington) 750 feet of bubble wrap: I cut this up to sell as Mini-Bubble-Stress-Anxiety-Fidget-Relief-Push-Popper-Sensory-Squeezers "" with the holistic advantage of being single-use: That way, if they're used with enough mindfulness, they may be discarded along with all of your negative energy. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 750 feet of bubble wrap: Next Halloween, go as the Michelin Man with monkeypox. (Kevin Dopart) Wood from bowling alley lanes + steel rivet shelving: The floor looks great in my family room, and the shelves hold all the shoes I rent to my guests. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) 1,800 disinfectant wipes: Whip these out the next 1,800 times your preteen does something gross! Then restock next week. (Duncan Stevens) Industrial crane: "Honey, can you get that can of tomato paste from the top shelf?" (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)(1) Tie the 31-inch pieces of rope together to rappel from the skylight at the Rome, Ga., election center. (2) Steal the ballots. (3) Place them in the 300 7-by-9-inch food trays and those inside the used burlap sacks. (3) Carry them out to a large truck and hide them with the roll of artificial turf. (4) Attach one end of the firehoses to a giant fan and blow fake, altered ballots through the skylight into a 50-gallon bung barrel marked "VOTE HERE." And THAT is how the election was stolen. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) And Last: 500 magnet strips: "Oh, these old things? Just a few times I got ink." (Color printer sold separately.) (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Two contests still running — deadline for both: Monday night, June 13: Week 1490: Write a song parody about the news (see wapo.st/invite1490); and Week 1491: Add a letter to a word or name to make a new one. (wapo.st/invite1491). DON'T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1493: Frankly speaking In memory of longtime Loser Doug Frank, a contest for feghoots: story-jokes that end in puns. Plus winners of our contest for rearranging movie titles. Image without a caption By Pat Myers June 16, 2022 at 9:54 a.m. EDT “1995 Earl Change Special,” the punchline of a feghoot story by the late Doug Frank. (For The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winning rearrangements of words in movie titles Back in 1994, banjo legend Earl Scruggs started a two-year gig at the Flamingo in Las Vegas. About 10 months in, Scruggs took three weeks off to do some charity concerts, so the casino replaced his act with Americana singer Robert Earl Keen, offering a 40 percent discount on tickets. The successful move became known as the “1995 Earl Change Special.” (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex., 2014) The Loser Community — especially the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook — received a shocking blow last week to learn of the sudden death of longtime Loser Doug Frank. Though Doug lived in Houston and hadn’t met other Losers in person, he had been especially active in the Facebook community, and many of its members had developed a special bond as Doug shared not only his sly and sometimes wacky wit, but also the long ordeal of caring for his wife, Diann, as she tried in vain to recover from a severe stroke; of his own recurring health problems; and of his recession-time struggles as a geological analyst in the oil industry. He was just 62. The late Doug Frank, a light of the Loser Community. (Amy Frank Ricks) But to most longtime readers of The Style Invitational, Doug was the author of 85 blots of clever, funny Invite ink from 2005 to 2019, and this week we bring back a contest he particularly enjoyed: This week: Tell a feghoot — a mini-story (a ridiculous one is fine) that ends in a groaner pun on a familiar expression, title, line from a song, etc., as in Doug’s inking entry above from 2014. Do check to make sure your pun isn’t already in a million places on the internet. While it’s fun to tell a long, ever-crazier story, the Empress needs you to keep it to just a few sentences; 75 words will be lengthy for us (Doug’s is about 60). On the other hand, it shouldn’t be a simple one-sentence riddle joke; it should read like an anecdote. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1493 (no capitals in the web address). Deadline is Monday, June 27; results appear July 17 in print, July 14 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives What’s That Smell?, described on the box as “The Party Game That Stinks.” Players scratch 'n’ sniff to identify everything from bacon to manure on 48 “mystery whiff cards” plus four “stank cards.” This is the second of these things that Loser Dave Prevar has “donated” to us. Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Cinemix” is by Kevin Dopart; Roy Ashley wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. Daphne Steinberg suggested a contest in Doug’s memory, Jeff Contompasis this one in particular. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. This week’s features a selection of some of Doug Frank’s classic Invite entries, along with feghoots from two earlier Invite contests. . See it at wapo.st/conv1493. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Cinemix: Rearranged movie titles from Week 1489 In Week 1489 the Empress asked you to rearrange the words in a movie title to make a new one (punctuation could be changed). Many of you offered up “Dreams of Field” as a boy’s fantasy about Gidget and the Flying Nun. 4th place: Bad News: The Bears: A preview of the Washington Commanders’ game in Chicago on Oct. 13. Sequel to “Bad News: The Titans” and “Bad News: The Cowboys.” (Mark Calandra, Acton, Mass.) 3rd place: Rush Fools In: The story of Trump’s fast-tracked judicial nominees. (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.) 2nd place and the Pez dispensers of Michael and Dwight from 'The Office’: 2-Toy Story: Ungrateful grandkids get an earful about what it was like to grow up with just a jump rope and a Mr. Potato Head that was an actual potato. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Right, Do the Thing …: An absent-minded yes-man tries vainly to fulfill his boss’s order … whatever it was … (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) Film naah: Honorable mentions Thou Art Where? O Brother! Once again, an Elizabethan cobbler has to bail out his ne’er-do-well sibling from the village stocks. (Ed Neveleff, North Potomac, Md.) Drop the Lemon, Kid!: T-men raid Billy’s lemonade stand. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) 50 Dates First: A woman does not want to rush things in her new relationship. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.) First, 50 Dates: The hot-dog-eating competition begins with the Dried-Fruit Preliminary Round. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) Lesser Children of a God: In this Don Jr. production, the ex-president recalls his encounters with “Marla’s and Melania’s kids.” (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) Me to Fly the Moon: On Graduation Day, a cap, a gown and a devilish plan. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Men, Goats Stare at the Who: Rare footage from an early, sparsely attended concert on the Isle of Wight. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) Miller and Mrs. McCabe: The creepy Trump aide ends up in the emergency room and — whuh-oh! — his attending physician is the wife of the acting FBI director Trump fired. (Joel Cockrell, Damascus, Md.) Park, Jurassic!: A slow-moving senior citizen can’t decide on a spot for his Chevrolet Caprice and is mercilessly heckled by other drivers. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Return of the Planet to the Apes: A monkeypox pandemic wipes out the human race. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Say “Never Never” Again: Peter Pan 2. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Ted’s Bogus Journey & Bill: A Texas senator introduces legislation making it a crime to film senators on “fact-finding” trips to Cancún. (Chris Doyle) The Air in “Up”: Spoiler alert! It was helium. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.) The Curious Button of Benjamin Case: A man’s navel slowly changes from an innie to an outie as he ages. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) The Suspect’s Usual: An eagle-eyed detective notices that his mark always orders two eggs over easy with rye toast, orange juice and a side of turkey bacon. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Third the Man: Fed up with being sawed in half, a magician’s assistant turns the tables on her boss. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) “Your Name,” By Me! Call!: A ghostwriter trolls for work. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) 22, Catch!: Tired of the spotlight always being on Clayton Kershaw, his Dodgers teammates make him play one game behind home plate. (Roy Ashley, Washington) A Beautiful Neighborhood in the Day: A bitter Mr. Rogers rues urban blight and zoning malfeasance. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring) Andre With My Dinner: After blowing his trust fund, a spoiled young man learns to make do with cheap champagne. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) Angry Men 12: Eleven sequels and the jury still can’t reach a verdict! (Frank Mann, Washington) Of Oz, the Wizard: A snake oil peddler runs for senator in Pennsylvania. (Lori Lipman Brown, Silver Spring, Md.) Oz. of the Wizard: Bitter rivalries erupt as Harry Potter’s cremains are sold off bit by bit. (Tim Harvey, Montgomery Village, Md., a First Offender) Fast High at Ridgemont Times: An understaffed small-town paper, fueled by meth and cocaine, struggles to stay afloat. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Fine! “One Day!” A worn-down mother agrees to a more flexible schedule for her teenage daughter’s room to be cleaned. (Kate Sammons, Ashburn, Va.) For Country, No Old Men: Nashville finally adopts the Lil Nas X demographic. (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) Frankenstein and Costello Meet Abbott: A highly unlikely duo helps the baby formula manufacturer solve the shortage. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) French the Connection: A drug dealer does whatever is necessary to maintain his supply. (Ed Neveleff) He’s Into Just That — Not You: A young woman misinterprets the overtures of a shoe salesman. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Home Spider? No Way, Man: A roommate lays down the law about one prospective pet. (John Klayman, Fairfax, Va.) House Animal: A day in the life of Rep. Matt Gaetz. (Ryan Martinez) Hunting Will? Good!: The cycle of violence continues as Chris Rock’s sympathizers seek revenge. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) Kiss Bang Kiss Bang: James Bond forgets that Q gave him explosive teeth. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Launch to Failure: Remembering the Biden inauguration. (Ryan Martinez) The 2-Part Godfather: Dr. Frankenstein attempts to bring peace between warring Mafia families by assembling a new Don from a pair of recently whacked rivals. (Steve Benko, Southport, Conn.) Kramer vs. Kramer: In this sequel, the countersuit. (Brian Collins, Olney, Md.) More honorable mentions in a future Invite. Still running — deadline Monday night, June 20: Our contest for conservative-leaning humor. See wapo.st/invite1492. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1494: Put it in bee-verse Write a poem with one of this year’s National Spelling Bee words. Plus winning parodies on the news. Image without a caption By Pat Myers June 23, 2022 at 11:52 a.m. EDT This week's contest: Write a short poem featuring this or any other word from the later rounds of this year's National Spelling Bee. (For The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the inking song parodies about the news. “Charadriiform” — oh, what a mouthful! Such abstruse ornithology talk. I'd better forgo the five syllables And stick with “a gull!” or “an auk!” Did you see this year’s finals of the National Spelling Bee, with the new lightning-round tiebreaker? You rock, 14-year-old Harini Logan, who fired off 22 ridiculously obscure words correctly (plus a few incorrectly) in the space of 90 seconds! You’ll be happy to know, though, that YOU, dear Loser, have not 90 seconds but 12 days for this annual contest: Write a humorous poem of eight lines or fewer that includes at least one of the words used in Round 4 or later of this year’s bee, as in the example above from Round 13. OR: Write a joke in Q&A form that uses at least one of the words. At least for the poems, you must use the word with its real meaning and pronunciation; you can’t pretend it’s something else (stay tuned for a future contest like this). You may use a slightly different form of the word, such as a plural, adding “-ing,” etc. You may add a title, and you may even use the word in the title and not the poem itself. To see the words: Go to spellingbee.com/round-results, then click on any of the rounds from 4 through the final spell-off. (Warning: The correct spelling is the first one on each line; the second is the spelling that the kid said, which was sometimes wrong.) If you don’t want to look up those words and then their meanings and pronunciations, check out my list of 20 of the words at the bottom of this column. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1494 (no capitals in the web address). Deadline is Tuesday, July 5 (we’ll give you July 4 off); results appear July 24 in print, July 21 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the cutest little bedbug you’ve ever seen, 2½ inches long, plush and squeezable with big winsome eyes and a velvety exoskeleton. Yet another in our series of noisome parasites that we offer as second prizes. We do recommend that you not decorate your Airbnb rental with it. Donated by Dave Prevar. A bedbug you can cuddle in bed! This week's second prize. (Pat Myers/TWP) Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Sung in Cheek” is by Jon Gearhart; both Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results; this week, some spelling bee poems from earlier years. See this week’s — published late Thursday, June 23 — at wapo.st/conv1494. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Sung in cheek: The news parodies of Week 1490 In Week 1490, the Empress once again went to Loserdom’s wheelhouse for songs about the news, and once again received hundreds of parodies, including dozens of inkworthy ones (some also-rans might appear in future weeks). The video option proved ever more popular; I’ve interspersed some honorable mentions among this week’s top four (text) winners, with a few more after that. (If you don’t see the video on your picky little device, click on the nearby link.) 4th place: To “I Feel Pretty”: I bought Twitter, don’t be bitter, I will git ’er much fitter, you’ll see I’m no quitter — there’s no leader more steadfast than me! But the price is a small crisis To think twice is the wisest, I feel My advice is: Twitter must give me a better deal! Who’s that billionaire in the mirror there? Who’ll set social media free? It’s not Zuckerberg, not that Bezos dude, not the Google guys, Not Bill Gates, it’s me! I have Teslas, I have rockets, And with Twitter I have a new toy. All in all, I’m a pretty wonderful boy! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) “THAT Part Belongs to Daddy,” inspired by Ivanka Trump’s finally acknowledging that she knew her father’s claims were a total crock. Lyrics and performance by Sandy Riccardi, Asheville, N.C.; Richard Riccardi on piano. If you don’t see the video above, click here. 3rd place: Alito’s Favorite Plans To “My Favorite Things” Stare decisis? We say no comprendo! We’re dissing women? That’s just innuendo. Our rulings govern until we are dead, Just so the Senate’s at least one-third red. We chose a president, spiting the nation. We did the bidding of each corporation. To gerrymanders we give the green light When they preserve seats for pols on the right. Confirmations! Public speeches! We prevaricate. We’ll execute all of the plans we have hatched, So you’re fighting back too late! (David Young, Falmouth, Mass.) “Song of the Antiabortion Legislators”: Lyrics by Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.; sung by Melissa and daughter Lily FitzPatrick. If you don’t see the video above, use this link. 2nd place and the 1968 Humphrey-Muskie campaign flask: The Jan. 6 Committee To “I Feel Pretty” Here’s the nitty and the gritty: Our fair city was ransacked by thugs! This committee does not think they came to give out hugs. Lost-election insurrection! Their complexion? We bet you’ve a sense. It’s not pretty when a mob is out to kill Mike Pence. How did that sedition get organized? Who arranged that violent mob? Who unleashed the gang that was out to hang, turn the Dems and Reps into shish kebab? Though you’re sneering and you’re jeering, At this hearing we’re clearing the air, And we’ll learn who’s the culprit for steering them there! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) “The Ballad of Louie Gohmert,” inspired by the congressman’s complaint that “if you’re a Republican, you can’t even lie to Congress or lie to an FBI agent or they’re coming after you.” Lyrics and performance by Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.; Jonathan Jensen on accordion. If you don’t see the video above, use this link. And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: If I Only Had a Brain — A Heart – The Nerve: Musing With the GOP Three First: Marjorie Taylor Greene: I could while away the hours on legislative powers, or helping folks in pain, And I might not be rootin’ for the folks who are shootin’, if I only had a brain. I would get to know some new folk, not just a lot of Q folk — I’d know they were insane; And I wouldn’t get crazier with a Jewish space . . . lazier if I only had a brain. Oh I . . . could tell you why . . . Joe Biden won the vote. I could even introduce a bill of note And never give a stupid quote! But my voters love the crazy, so why not just be lazy, not cause my head a strain; I could lose their affection, and might not win election, if I only had a brain. Then: Mitch McConnell: When a man’s an empty vessel, he never needs to wrestle with conscience for his part. I might start actin’ human, though my downfall would be loomin’, if I only had a heart. I must cater to the donors, the billionaires and owners, like anyone who’s smart. I’d become just like Cupid, which would be kind of stupid, if I only had a heart. Picture me on your TV, my voice all sweet and slow. Contradicting what I said a year ago Hypocrisy? That’s me! When majorities they muster, I use the filibuster. It’s really quite an art. I’d turn into a lefty; my remorse would be hefty, if I only had a heart. And finally, Lindsey Graham: Yes, it’s sad, believe me, missy, when you’re born to be a sissy, without the vim and verve, But I could be a hero, not a bootlicking zero, if I only had the nerve. I’m afraid there’s no denying I’ve given up on trying to protect and to preserve Our great land’s Constitution — but I’d find a solution, if I only had the nerve. Oh, I’d be in my stride, I’d give a rousing speech! Full fidelity to law is what I’d preach — And bravely vote then to impeach. I would show that con man Donny a bravery so bonny, no longer would I serve! I’m well read; I am brainy; I could be a Liz Cheney — If I only had the nerve! (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.) Bad news airs: Honorable mentions “The Ballad of Madison Cawthorn” (Sam Gold, Sarasota, Fla., a First Offender) If you don’t see the video above, click here. Baby formula shortage after lab was shut down over cronobacter bacteria: To “Be Our Guest” Pump your chest! Pump your chest Till our problem is addressed, In our lab up here at Abbott The inspectors weren’t impressed. Was there dirt? Was there grime? Or a nauseating slime? Was our cleanliness a factor When they found the cronobacter? With no stock on the shelves, You’ll produce it all yourselves, ’Cause our formula is “Mothers, do your best!” We’ve gone to no production, so get out that suction, Do not rest! Get expressed! Pump your chest! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) “Indiana Jones 5” to premiere in June 2023, with 80-year-old Harrison Ford: To ‘When I’m Sixty-Four’ When his fedora covers no hair, a few years from now Indiana Jones will hunt the Fountain of Youth, Crepe-skinned, half-deaf, long in the tooth If he is streamed or on the big screen, Will they beg for more? Will Indy awe them next time they thaw him When he’s 84? (Kenneth McLeod, Bowie, Md., a First Offender) “You May Be Right,” Dave Scheiber, St. Petersburg, Fla. If you don’t see the video above, click here. To “Be Our Guest” IRS: it’s a mess! Decades straight of “more with less” Mean few audits and no plaudits (‘cept from tax cheats, who say “Yes!”) Downsized staff, ancient tech make our oversight a wreck; Might as well claim that deduction for your tummy liposuction! Such abuse we can’t catch—systems here aren’t up to scratch— So to fraud we have to meekly acquiesce; Enforcement: have to fudge it, ‘cause they’ve slashed our budget; Reassess! No BS: IRS! (Duncan Stevens) “Don’t Say Gay,” by Jonathan Jensen; sung by Sandy Riccardi; Richard Riccardi on piano. If you don’t see the video above, click here. Washington Commanders search for a new home To “Somewhere” from “West Side Story” There’s a place for us, some new tax base for us, P.G. County won’t pay its share — Wait, we must — nah — done there! There’s a field for us, Someplace to yield for us, Woodbridge? Dulles? Or Delaware? Timbuktu? I don’t care! Someday, somewhere, We’ll build a new place for playing, Long as the government’s paying. Somewhere. I’ve got plans for us, Somewhere with fans for us, Sure, they’ll root for the other team, Revenue, that’s my dream! Someday, somewhere, We’ll build a place that is giant, Funded by locals compliant. Somewhere. (Mark Raffman) Xi Jinping sings “The Major-General’s Song” I am the brilliant leader of a "socialist democracy" (Though some might say I'm guilty of a wee bit of hypocrisy...); I am by far the smartest; that's why I decide what's best for you; (And if you disagree, there'll be a warrant of arrest for you...). I'm like a sneaky predator, I gain the upper hand with ease; I just extend my tentacles and snap up anything I please! I've built some nifty islands all across the vast South China Sea For my offensive weapons; and (of course!) Taiwan belongs to ME!!! I'm working on my Belt and Road because investing is my game; (I've got my sticky fingers almost anywhere that you can name!) So look out, world! I'm on a roll; as Number One I'll take my place; I'll steal your tech to take control, and next... I've got my eyes on space! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) The following parody of “Mona Lisa” — about the climate change activist who smeared “a cakelike substance” across the glass covering of the Mona Lisa in the Louvre — is one of two excellent ones submitted on the same subject, with the same song. I couldn’t decide between them, so I put them (anonymously) to the vote in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. This one won, 20-19. See the other, by Chris Doyle, in this week’s Style Conversational. Mona Lisa, look alert! He tried to smash you; So precautions it's imperative to take! Someone nuts just had the guts to try to trash you With a hammer and a large amount of cake. Did you smile and drive him crazy, Mona Lisa? Are you sorry that he failed in his attack? Do you hunger at times, Mona Lisa? Does your tongue ache For that cream cake? Do you live, do you breathe, Mona Lisa? Then (after all these years!) you prob'ly need a snack! (Beverley Sharp) “Omicron,” a parody of “Kodachrome,” by Rick Bromberg, Fairfax, Va.; sung by Nancy Lawrence. If you can’t see the link above, click here. Trump on Liz Cheney To ”Janie’s Got a Gun” Cheney’s gotta go, Cheney’s gotta go The whole world’s gonna know She’s a RINO just for show. Her time in D.C.’s through – What’s wrong with one small coup? They see that Cheney’s prime-time scheme’s More lying by a nasty dame Oh man, she has it comin’, so Liz Cheney’s gotta go I ain’t never gonna take the blame. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Back at the Office: Who Are You? To “Who Am I?” from “Les Miserables” Who are you? The guy who started two long years ago? There’s really so much that I did not know. I never saw your spittle fleck Or how you look below your neck. Must you eat? I hate the way you chew and chomp and munch. The way your stomach rumbles after lunch. The stench that lingers in the air That you and I are forced to share. I can’t stand Exasperating mannerisms you display Now that I’m in the office every day. How soon can I go back to Zoom And hang out in my living room? I know that you are newly hired, But just how soon can you be fired? Who are you? Who are you? My office-mate! (Barbara Sarshik and Andy Pike, Vienna, Va.) NRA meeting in Houston To “Come Out and Play” by the Offspring "We gotta keep our guns," restated: All the chits we cash in, All the palms we grease, The Second A. never goes out of fashion. Who will protect us? (Hint: It ain’t the police!) They howl and bray ’bout our big magazines, They’d take away all our AR-15s, But when they float bills to provide ‘em the means, We just tie ’em up! Tie ’em up! Tie ’em up! Tie ’em up! Hey! The lib’rals in D.C.?’ Shut ’em down! (Gotta keep ’em all frustrated). Hey! The guns that keep us free? Load ‘em up! (Never mind “well-regulated”). Hey-ey! We’re doing fine! We bought those pols and we keep ‘em all in line, Hey-ey! We’re NRA! (Mark Raffman) Inflating To ”99 Red Balloons” Ninety-nine-cent bread balloons Way up to $2.89; Even on a hybrid’s tank Filling up can break the bank. We all fight but we’re the same: We want someone we can blame. Money’s tight and I know why: YOUR side made the costs balloon so high! (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Still running — deadline Monday night, June 26: Our contest for “feghoots” — ridiculous mini-stories that end in groaner puns. See wapo.st/invite1493. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. 20 spelling bee words you can use for Week 1494 This is a fairly random selection of the words used in the 2022 National Spelling Bee. But you may use any of the ones listed at spellingbee.com beginning with Round 4. (The words in Round 6, a vocabulary round, aren’t obscure.) Below I usually quote or paraphrase the Merriam-Webster definitions; other times I found examples of actual modern usage. If you find another pronunciation or meaning given from another reliable source, feel free to use that as well (and show it to me, please). bebung: a tremolo effect similar to a violin vibrato and is produced on the clavichord by sustaining a varying pressure on the key after striking a note. Here’s a demonstration. brose (broze): a Scottish dish made by pouring boiling water over oatmeal. chorine (kor-EEN): a old-time chorus girl. The musical “Ragtime” uses this term. congener (CON-je-ner): a plant or animal in the same genus as another; or, figuratively, something or someone in the same group. In distilling, it refers to byproducts developed during the process. cramignon (cra-meen-yon): a festive dance of southern France in which the dancers are in chain formation. Like this. dasypodid (da-SIP-odid): Relating to armadillos. empressement (ahm-press-MONT): demonstrative warmth or cordiality. (But of course!) florilegium (FLO-ri-LEE-gium): an anthology of writings. frizzen: the pivoted metal upright of the action of a flintlock against which the flint strikes upon firing. Here’s a picture from Wikipedia. glissile (rhymes with missile): capable of gliding; used in geology. lanuginous (la-NU-jinous): covered with down or fine, soft hair. The fuzz with which some babies are born is called lanugo. lerret: a traditional fishing rowboat from the Chesil beach in Dorset, England. noctivagant (noc-TI-va-gant): going around at night. ostmark: East German currency eventually replaced by the German mark and the euro. palombino: a light gray Italian marble. (Not a horse!) pigsney: darling or sweetheart, or a little eye. The Oxford English Dictionary says it’s ""one particularly cherished; a darling pet.” piligan: a Brazilian club moss that has been used as a purgative. psittacism: automatic speech without thought of the meaning of the words spoken. It comes from the word for parrot and, according to Wikipedia, it’s a pejorative word. onocentaur: a mythological creature having the head and arms and upper torso of a human being and the body and legs of an ass. semmit: Scottish for undershirt. Here’s a Scot showing how the word is used. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1495: We all need a break No new contest this week -- our first skip in three years -- but lots of winning neologisms from Week 1491 Image without a caption By Pat Myers June 30, 2022 at 9:57 a.m. EDT CHOMPULSION: The urge to bite down while the dentist is jabbing you in the mouth. A runner-up this week by Joanne Free; see all the inking add-a-letter neologisms below. (For The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winning neologisms from Week 1491 It’s been a heck of a week, hard upon many previous hecks-of-weeks. So relax, cue the fireworks, and enjoy this week’s inking add-a-letter neologisms: There’s no new contest this week — our first skipped contest since August 2019 — so that the Empress can take a week off four weeks from now, when the results would have run. (But it’s not even a vacation from Loserdom: She and the Royal Consort will be joining a dozen or so Style Invitational types on a trip to Niagara Falls in Ontario; Longtime Loser Kyle Hendrickson has arranged a number of “Loserfest” trips over the years. and this is the first post-pandemic one.) So in the last week of July, the Invite will feature lots of fresh ink from recent contests. The headline “Deftinitions" for this week’s results is by Jon Gearhart; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s online column this week (published late Thursday, June 30) discusses this week’s results — what worked and what didn’t. See it at wapo.st/conv1495. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Deftinitions: Add-a-letter neologisms from Week 1491 In the neologism contest of Week 1491, the Empress asked the Loser Community to choose any word, name or phrase beginning A through E, then add a letter — or the same letter more than once — and define the result. 4th place: Chompulsion: The deep urge one has to fight while the dentist is jabbing you in the mouth. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) 3rd place: Adulltery: Sneaking away to have extramarital sex and compare Spelling Bee lists. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.) 2nd place and the alligator hand back scratcher: Bad Moron Rising: “I see the bad moron risin'/ I see trouble on the way/ I see democracy a-dyin’/ If he comes back again someday.” (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Choward: Someone afraid to try new food. Not to be confused with a chowhard, one who eats anything. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) Nearly risers: Honorable mentions Carcophony: “Are we there yet?” “It’s my turn to sit up front!” “Are we there yet?” “I need to use the bathroom! “She pushed me!” “Are we there yet?” “Did not, he pushed me first!” “Are we there yet?” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) Gastonishment: What I feel every time I fill my tank these days. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.) Endunciate: To express one’s ignorance via pronunciation, e.g., “Gazpacho police,” “peach tree dish.” (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) Adiprose tissue: Verbiage. Hemingway’s writing didn’t show an ounce of adiprose. (John Bradley, St. Louis, a First Offender) Abhortionist: One who uses personal biases to orchestrate a miscarriage of justice. (Byron Miller, Cobble Hill, B.C.) Abiden: Waiting patiently for the other party to come to the table in good faith. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) Bowel America: Full-service proctology clinic. “Our colonoscopies are right up your alley!” (Kevin Tingley, Vienna, Va.) Children of the Corny: Kids who suffer through dad jokes. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And 20 years ago ... A classic "Devil's Dictionary" definition from Week 445 by Invite GOAT Chris Doyle. Get daily graphic versions of Invitational entries on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday. Enfoold: To surround oneself with “all the best people.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Acrimoney: Many a divorce settlement. (Karen Golden, Prince Frederick, Md.) Adrian Monkee: In “The Case of the Believer,” Adrian joins the madcap band with his clarinet as he tries to decipher the rock and the roll. (Joanne Free) Afictionado: A hardcore QAnon supporter. (Lee Graham) Ain’tarctic: The South Pole, before too long. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.) Amazone: An online shopper’s state of euphoria. “Sorry for buying all that Wizards stuff, dear — I was in the Amazone.” (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.) Bald, Bald Leroy Brown: Does NOT compare with ol’ King Kong in the hair department. (Jesse Frankovich) Apooplectic: So angry you lose your … temper. (Frank Mann, Washington) Axel murderer: A particularly inept figure skater. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.) Aromageddon: Cataclysmic event that occurs when you enter your teenager’s room. (Duncan Stevens) Borisk: “Let’s have a party right here in 10 Downing Street! Just don’t say anything!” (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) Brodacious: Marvelously reckless, at least to one’s admirers: “We dangled Pete by his legs outside a 10-story window! It was brodacious!” (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) Bullshift: Tucker Carlson’s 7-to-8 p.m. slot on Fox News. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Barftender: Your new job title if you don’t cut off patrons who’ve had too much. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Bassault: “The car’s stereo was so loud, the thudding was a bassault on all ears within a block.” (Pam Shermeyer) Bawdminton: The shuttlecock has a different function in this party version. (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) Beneviolent: Disruptive for a good cause. “His beneviolent sneezing fit provided a solid reason for leaving the HR meeting.” (Pam Shermeyer) Biggots: People who discriminate against tall and large folks; they mostly gravitate to the airline industry, but some work in clothing retail. (Duncan Stevens) Blaséball: Nine innings, four hours, 79 crotch scratches. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines; Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.) Board of Selections: The GOP’s plan for who decides the 2024 presidential winner.” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Carfé: When there’s no time for dinner between work and Back to School Night, it’s one more meal in the Toyota Carfé. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) Chainslaw massacre: A rash of food poisonings from tainted supermarket salads. (Tom Quinn, Herndon, Va., a First Offender) Chat on a Hot Tin Roof: “OMG, this tin roof is hot!” “LOL, I know, right?” (Jesse Frankovich) Corvid-19: Five birds short of a pie. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Crapacity: Ability to accept total nonsense. “The crapacity of QAnon members is immeasurable.” (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.) Customer > Cupstomper: An ill-mannered Starbucks patron who throws a tanty when mistakenly served a latte instead of a mocha. (Karen Lambert) Dearthquake: A violent shudder after seeing your low bank balance. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) Deshpotic: What Daffy Duck will be if we don’t stop his inordinate lust for power. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Diet Hard: In this sequel, Detective McClane decides to change his lifestyle after getting stuck in an air vent. (Jesse Frankovich) Diss-member: “Did you just get out of a cold pool or something? Really? That’s it?” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Econ artist: “Absolutely, these tax cuts will pay for themselves!” (Neil Kurland) Embrattled: Describing a parent who takes the two preschoolers to the grocery store. “Ethan, put all those cans back! Molly, what did I just tell you about screaming?” (Pam Shermeyer) Exaggerbate: Overstate one’s need for sex. “But if I can’t, I’ll turn blue …” (Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.) Haffable: Friendly, to a point. (Sarah Walsh) He-mancipation: The return of the effete, emasculated American male to his red-meat-eating, gun-packing, butt-pinching birthright. (Jonathan Jensen) Jellopardy: The risk in having a brand closely associated with Bill Cosby. (Kevin Dopart, on vacation in Naxos, Greece) Karmadillo: Someone whose fate is to never quite make it across the road. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Laudacious: Outrageously overhyped. “Isn’t ‘This generation’s Olivier’ a little laudacious for Taylor Lautner?” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Malice’s Restaurant: They won’t let you have a single thing you want. (Ann Martin) Nevergreen: A landscape shrub that’s always a lovely shade of burnt match. (Lawrence McGuire) Tautopsy: It lists the cause of death as “heart stopped beating.” (Frank Osen) Texorcist: When your state is possessed by Cruz and Abbott, who you gonna call? (Frank Mann) The Blight Brigade: NIH’s 600-doctor pandemic team. (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.) Capital None: A bank that’ll put nothing in your pocket. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Cheeriots: Favorite breakfast of the Oat Keepers. (Jonathan Jensen) BasketbaLOL: What the Wizards play. (Mark Raffman) Fartifact: Unpleasant, invisible evidence of a rude event, especially in an elevator. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) And Last: Agonym: That short Style Invitational entry that’s a sure winner if you can just get the wording right, though maybe, if you change the — no, that’d be too abstruse, it needs to be more obvious, but — hey, how about — no, you already tried that, so … (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill., whose 49 blots of ink date back to 2002) MEANWHILE … Since there’s no fine-print blahblah this week with the new contest, we have room for a fine parody from our contest for current-events songs. See the rest at wapo.st/invite1494. To “If I Only Had a Brain,” as sung by Vladimir Putin I’ll erase each Euro border To make a new world order, Where I alone will reign. Then the troops I’m stackin’ inland Will begin attackin’ Finland Once I subjugate Ukraine. First I need to show Zelensky That there’s no common-senseky To savin’ his domain. I’ll be leavin’ him a mess o’ New cadavers in Odessa All resistance is in vain! Oh, I have nukes galore, So many than before. I could wage a war like never waged before, But here’s a fear I can’t ignore: Russian poets might be pennin’ More odes to me than Lenin While the obit scribes explain: “Putin should’ve been suspicious Drinking black tea that delicious, But he didn’t have a brain!” (Chris Doyle) Still running — deadline Tuesday night, July 5: Our contest for funny poems using words from this years National Spelling Bee. See wapo.st/invite1494. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1496: Same Difference Tell us how any two items on our weird list are similar or different. Plus results of our conservative-humor contest. Image without a caption By Pat Myers July 7, 2022 at 10:02 a.m. EDT (For The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the results of our conservative-humor contest. The difference between being back at the office and the recurring exam dream: At the office, it’s way easier to get back to sleep. A flushable wipe is like the LIV golf tour: Hold your nose all you want, but you can’t get rid of the residue and stench. The recurring exam dream Borscht A terrible SNL sketch Cat hair A magnetometer 8 percent inflation A flushable wipe A romance novel Being back at the office Elon Musk Six Supreme Court Justices A hypersonic missile Old Bay A worn-out toothbrush A Style Invitational second-place prize A banned book A period-tracking app The LIV golf tour The Style Invitational is, of course, beyond compare, but we’re confident that the items above are not. It’s one of our most enduring contests: Tell us humorously how any two (or more) items on the list above are alike or different, as in the examples above; the items were chosen willy-nilly from among hundreds of suggestions that Empress sought from the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1496 (no capitals in the web address). There’s no special formatting this week except the usual request not to break up any individual entry with a line break (i.e., don’t push Enter within a single entry). This way I can shuffle all the entries and not know how many I’m choosing from any one person. Deadline is Monday, July 18; results appear Aug. 7 in print, Aug. 4 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a brand-new set of 20 assorted Face Coasters, which are nice absorbent squares that each have (a) a photo of someone else’s mouth in one expression or other; and (b) a cut-out spot so you can hang it from your nose, over your personal yap. Donated by Loser Steve Smith. Just put on a [????] face: Loser Michele Uhler wearing a Face Coaster; this week's second prize has 20 assorted ones. (Valerie Holt) Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Do Wit Right” is by Chris Doyle; Chris and Jon Gearhart both submitted e the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published late Thursday, July 7, at wapo.st/conv1496. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Do wit right: Conservative humor from Week 1492 In Week 1492, in response to a skeptical reader’s challenge, the Empress asked for conservative-leaning humor — the first time we’ve run such a contest since 2004. Regular readers of The Style Invitational know that Invite political humor tends to jab firmly with the left, although since the change of administration in 2017, we’ve … nah, the Loser Community still has it in for the GOP every single week. So could they turn the tables? By “conservative,” the E didn’t mean racist, hateful, truth-denying or stupid (though she did get such “jokes” among the 700-plus entries; sample of one with a demonstrably false premise: “What do you call two members of the Squad? Half a brain”). Instead, the following Q&A and knock-knock jokes aren’t any cheaper shots than the ones we regularly zing from the other side. 4th place: Q. What is the main problem with the Democrat Party? A. Its left hand doesn’t know what its far-left hand is doing. (Steve Honley, Washington) 3rd place: Q. What’s the difference between Trump and Biden? A. Joe’s managing to bring us together — soon nobody will approve of how he’s doing. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place and the boxing-Trump pen: Q. What do Democrats call a bunch of losers? A. “Persons temporarily experiencing defeat.” (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Q. How do you spot a liberal wearing cowboy boots? A. He’s holding a trick-or-treat bag. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) Lefty losey: Honorable mentions How does a liberal clean his gun? He empties out the water. (Leif Picoult) How can you tell a liberal customer at Starbucks? They ask for a cappuccinx. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) How do you know when your school’s PTA is too liberal? There are signs to “Defund Crossing Guards.” (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.) How is Sen. Cory Booker like an Upton’s Finest? They’re both vegan hotdogs. (Frank Osen) How does a liberal prove she’s not a racist? By calling someone else a racist. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Knock, knock. Who’s there? Martin Luther King. Martin Luther King who? You don’t know who Martin Luther King is? You’re canceled! (Frank Mann, Washington) What’s the difference between a conservative and a liberal? A conservative says “NASCAR!” A liberal says “Nasty cars!” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) Why do liberals love toothy British smiles? Nobody expects them to be straight and white. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Why shouldn’t you label leftists “fragile”? Because it may trigger them. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Why were the liberal’s shoes too tight? He was trying to reduce his carbon footprint. (Karen Lambert) How do Dianne Feinstein and Patrick Leahy try to persuade their Senate colleagues? “As a participant in the original Constitutional Convention, I can assure you …” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) What would you call Sen. Dianne Feinstein going out with Sen. Bernie Sanders? Robbing the cradle. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) What’s the difference between Biden and Trump? Trump knows better than to ride a bicycle. (Frank Osen) What’s the only branch of the military a leftist would want to join? The U.S. Safe-Space Force. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Did you hear Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer’s idea for turning out the youth vote? They’ll send everyone voice-mail messages encouraging kids to mail in letters while they listen to the radio and wait for Joe Biden’s whistle-stop train tour. (Duncan Stevens) A. Biden. Q. Who is the only Hunter the left doesn’t go after? (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) How do you know the California ’49er miners were liberals? They used the proper pronouns referring to “gold in them/their hills.” (Bill Cromwell, Keswick, Va.) How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? Don’t we need a permit for that? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco) What one-piece garments do liberal dancers wear at rehearsal? Leo-special-needs. (Kevin Dopart) What’s the difference between conservatives and liberals? Conservatives want to eliminate taxes; liberals want to eliminate Texas. (Karen Lambert) Where do nouveau-riche liberals live? In McPersonsions. (Kevin Dopart) How can you tell someone from Texas is a liberal? Because they’re from Texas. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) Why did the liberal refuse to go to the Amnesty International gala? She didn’t want to be seen carrying the same New Yorker tote bag as someone else. (Karen Lambert) What did the liberal restaurant owner do when his dishwasher was busted? Hired an immigration lawyer. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) What do you call a liberal at a gun range? A reporter. (Chris Doyle) What’s the difference between a gallstone and a Biden initiative? A gallstone’s journey is also excruciatingly painful, but it eventually passes. (Frank Osen) What’s the difference between Republicans and the Washington Commanders? D.C. only has about 50 of each, but at least the Republicans work toward a strong defense. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) How liberal is he? He’s so liberal he got a notarized consent form before he played with himself. (Bird Waring) Q. Hey, longtime Washington Post reader, did you hear the one about Hunter Biden’s laptop? A. Who’s Hunter Biden? (Tom Witte) And Last: What’s the price of a liberal’s soul? A refrigerator magnet, apparently. (Marty Gold, Arlington) DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1497: The if-word Give us a funny ‘what if’ scenario and result. Plus winning ‘feghoots’ -- groaner-pun stories. Image without a caption By Pat Myers July 14, 2022 at 9:49 a.m. EDT (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winning mini-stories ending in puns What if M.C. Escher had designed the entrance to the Philadelphia Museum of Art? Rocky would still be climbing those steps. (Jesse Frankovich, 2018) What if there were an alternate universe where your cat did not follow you to the bathroom? You’d just sit there and talk to yourself, I guess. (Robyn Carlson, 2018) What if the 1972 Democratic Party headquarters had been in the Mayflower Hotel? Journalists would add “flower” to the end of any scandal: Iranflower, Whitewaterflower, Monicaflower, Flowersflower ... (Jerry Pannullo, 1998) We last did this contest four years ago, but it’s not as if we exhausted the pool of All the Situations and Events in the Whole World Ever. This week: Give us a “what if” scenario and its humorous result, as in the examples above from similar previous contests. Your entry doesn’t necessarily have to begin with “what if,” if you have a funnier way to structure it. You know the Empress — it’s all about the funny. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1497 (no capitals in the web address). Deadline is Monday night, July 25; results appear Aug. 14 in print, Aug. 11 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an eensy blue triangle of fabric — smaller than the Empress’s mini-size hand — that you’d think was a face mask, perhaps for a child, but is actually a Brave Person brand men’s thong swimsuit. We usually ask winners of garments — funny hats, socks, etc. — to send photos of themselves wearing them. This time we forbid it. Donated by Not So Brave Steve Smith. (Thank you, Amazon algorithm, which informed me: “Based on purchases by customers who wear your size, Large will fit you best.") (Amazon founder Jeff Bezos owns The Washington Post.) Not a face mask. This week's second prize. Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Pun(ch)lines” is by Tom Witte; Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published late Thursday, July 14, at wapo.st/conv1497. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Pun(ch)lines: Winning ‘feghoot’ tales from Week 1493 In Week 1493 we asked for feghoots — absurdly contrived mini-stories that end in a wordplay on some phrase. The Empress puzzled through more than a thousand entries, and more than a few alleged punchlines left her brow so furrowed that her tiara tilted. Want to guess at some that didn’t get ink? See this week’s Style Conversational (published late Thursday, July 14). 4th place: The famed Hollywood costume designer Edith Head suffered from a severe phobia of frogs. When she was assigned to a film starring Liam Neeson, little did she know that he’d bring his collection of pet amphibians to costume fittings, letting them jump around his dressing room. The headline in Variety: “Head Shudders: ‘Neeson’s Toads! Neeson’s Toads!’ ” (Fran Ludman, Baltimore) 3rd place: My roommate Erica keeps borrowing my stuff without permission. Last week she took one of my combs, not realizing I had just used it to dye my hair purple. I’ll admit I laughed a little to see purple streaks show up in her hair — and if she doesn’t learn her lesson, I may comb Erica grape again. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place and the What’s That Smell? party game: Many people know Harry Belafonte as a staunch Democrat, but few know of his deep grounding in Chicago-style politics. For decades, through the many mayoral administrations of father and son, he would celebrate each election night by standing outside Republican headquarters and singing his famous refrain: “Daley come and we won. Go home!” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Rex was a very stupid dog, except for one thing: he could play the kazoo. His owners exploited him shamelessly with several performances a day, but Rex just wagged his tail and kept tooting. Finally, the SPCA filed a complaint against his owners: “The heels star a live witless hound of music.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Beaten to the punchline: Honorable mentions As The Post’s aquatic-fashion critic, I have long bemoaned the lack of originality in men’s swimwear, and the trunks from the latest shows were so banal I wanted to scream. Alerting my editor about the review I was about to write, I texted: “Damn the four Speedos! (full screed ahead)” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) BoJo held on for the longest time at 10 Downing St., but even his biggest Conservative Party supporters finally agreed to stop heeding a dead Boris. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Many credit taxonomist Carl Linnaeus for biology’s binomial nomenclature, but few mention the Bauhin brothers, Gaspard and Johann. Without their work nearly two centuries earlier, Linnaeus would have been forced to develop his own governing system for naming species. One could say it was the very model of the modern major genera. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) At a glitzy early 1980s Hollywood gathering, the hosts planned to announce the names of all the attendees, but couldn’t decide on the order. When one suggested that Mark Hamill should precede Yul Brynner, another was horrified: “Luke before Yul? Eep!” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) President Clinton hit on another intern, but this one set certain limits: Clothes, but no cigar. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.) A young father was changing his son’s diaper when suddenly the baby let forth a fountain of pee that arched high in the air and landed on the seat of the rocking chair. The father just smiled at him and said, “That’s okay, little guy — after all, life is just a bowl of chair wees.” (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.) Now that they’re in their own new house, Barack and Michelle can finally decorate to their own tastes: Sweet home, all Obama. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington) To serve a summons on the ex-president, Merrick Garland sent agents to Fifth Avenue, Bedminster and Mar-a-Lago, vowing, “I’ll subpoena you in all the old familial places.” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Scientists have long known that talking kindly or cruelly to plants can affect their growth. In fact, speaking too harshly to a potato can make it shrivel and die — yes, it’s possible to kill tubers with one’s tone. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) A priest was seriously overburdened in his busy parish, as he had no other clergymen to assist him. So he began to delegate tasks to his congregation. As he often said: “When life gives you laymen, make laymen aid.” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) The Trump Organization tried launching a worldwide tour for “The Big Interregnum of the Once and Future Prez," featuring both Beatles music and MAGA conspiracies. But no part of the world agreed to this nonsense. As a relieved Paul McCartney said: “Isn’t it good no region would?” (Kevin Dopart, Washington) My friend has had to replace both her knees. But the world of electronic wonders has invaded the orthopedics field: Each of her implanted joints has a sensor that tells her when she should get off her feet and go to bed. Yes: The knees that say “night”! (Ted Remington, Marion, N.C.) Guido the Brooklyn Pirate buried his pearl-filled chest in a grotto. To frighten off treasure hunters. he summoned a spirit named Victor from the deep, and commanded it to haunt the cave. As the apparition dematerialized, Guido bid it farewell: “Toodle, Victah, ghost da poils!” (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) Back in the 1970s, African tyrant Idi Amin learned that the United States was about to supply Israel with advanced missiles. Amin contacted Henry Kissinger, asking that similar weaponry be supplied to his country as well. When Kissinger responded that Israel was a staunch strategic ally and Amin was not, Amin insisted, “What’s good for the Jews is good for Uganda.” (Michael Rosen, New York) In a scene cut from “Casablanca,” Rick and Ilsa discover some birds that German officers have trained to overhear and recite back secret conversations between Resistance members. The two former lovers must neutralize these avian eavesdroppers, but they can’t decide whether to use a dagger, a hatchet or a machete. Finally they determine that the specific method doesn’t really matter. As Rick says to Ilsa, “Well, all ways halve parrots.” (Karen Lambert) A sea lion wandered into a new pickling plant in La Jolla being dedicated by California’s senior senator. Flopping along, he clumsily nudged her over a railing and into a vat of brine. Charged with assaulting a member of Congress, he protested that she wasn’t in the vat long enough to suffer harm. To which the DA replied, “You pickled Feinstein, believe me, loose seal.” (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.) The Bengals needed only to stop the Rams one more time to win the Super Bowl. But with just seconds left on the board, the Rams overwhelmed Cincinnati’s defense to take the lead and the Lombardi Trophy. A disgruntled Bengals fan cried out: “At long last, have you no D, Cincy?” (Mark Raffman) A man spent his last savings to go see the legendary singing fish of a remote Alaskan river. Every day he rose at dawn, hiked to the river and waited for the famed Chinook — eight hours. Nothing. His last morning, the pilot returned to take him back to civilization. He told his story, heartbroken. The pilot sighed. “Nobody told you? Salmon chant at evening!” (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.) After rocketing to fame with “Jesus Christ Superstar,” lyricist Tim Rice hired a Cuban valet who always smoked a cigar. Tim had never even tried tobacco, but he found the aroma intriguing, even tempting. Noticing this, the servant lit one of his Havanas and offered it to his boss, saying, “Smoke it, Señor Rice.” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Yesterday I bowled two perfect games and a 200. Then I was off to the local racetrack where I drove my DeLorean five laps at 88 mph before remembering: no lightning, no time travel. Back to the bowling alley, where I bowled two more perfect games. Then it was time for me to call balls and strikes at the Nats game. Summary of my day: 800, five 88s, two 300s, Umpire! (Gary Crockett) Cajun chef Armand Boudreaux made food so good that people overlooked his odd ideas about light’s effect on certain ingredients. Once, a new assistant complained, “Can we make it brighter in here? I can’t even tell what I’m chopping.” “Mais non!” replied Armand, holding up a few pods to the dimmed lightbulb. “Dem okra, see? Dice in darkness!” (Coleman Glenn) And Last: My late father won an old Style Invitational groaner contest, and he was so proud that he framed that page of The Post and displayed it in the family room. After he passed away, I decided he’d have liked it if I burned the column and added its ashes to his: A pun he saved is a pun I urned. (Gary Crockett) Still running — deadline Monday night, July 18: Our contest to say why two items on our wacky list are similar or different. See wapo.st/invite1496. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1498: Vs. is for verses Misuse a word in a funny poem. Plus winners of our contest for poems using spelling bee words (correctly). Image without a caption By Pat Myers July 21, 2022 at 9:54 a.m. EDT (For The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share (Click here to skip down to the winning poems featuring words from this year's National Spelling Bee.) My kids used to sleep on stacked single beds, While they dreamed and rested their sweet little heads. But they brought in the noise and brought in the funk, So now I'm afraid it is time to debunk. For the contest that produced today’s results -- poems using spelling bee words — the Empress required that the words be used with their true meanings. But it’s just the opposite for this week’s poetry contest, at the suggestion of Loser Sarah Walsh: Write a short (eight lines or fewer), humorous poem that uses one or more words — any words you choose — in other than their actual meanings, as in the pun on “debunk” in Sarah’s own example. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1498 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 1; results appear Aug. 21 in print, Aug. 18 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an adorable woodpecker toy: It’s a little wooden bird that you lift to the top of an 18-inch pole and set in motion as it peck-peck-pecks down to the bottom, fluttering its little feather. It’s really too sweet to be a Loser prize, but Loser Dave Prevar gave it to us. If you get writer's block, at least you can play with this on your desk. This week's second prize. Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “For the Rhyme, Beeing” is by Steve Smith; the honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Jeff Rackow. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published late Thursday, July 21, at wapo.st/conv1498. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... For the rhyme, beeing: Spelling bee poems from Week 1494 In Week 1494 we once again asked our Loserbards to write poems using words from this year’s National Spelling Bee. Maybe these results will add some variety to Google searches on the words — which in many cases amount to nothing but dictionary listings. (Some of the less arcane ones are from the bee’s vocabulary rounds.) 4th place: Brose, a Scottish dish made by pouring boiling water over oats When making brose, Miss MacLehose Is apt to add malt whisky. It gives her zest, warms up her chest, And keeps her feeling frisky. Good sense may say don’t start the day By going on a bender. But don’t condemn poor wee Miss M A cereal offender. (Stephen Gold, London, formerly of Scotland) 3rd place: Toquilla (to-KEY-uh), a leaf fiber used to make panama hats “Where’s my booze?” growled a tourist named Jim As a hat was presented to him. “I am sorry, señor, Did you not ask me for ‘Pure toquilla, right up to the brim’?” (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 2nd place and the toy bedbug: Coryza (co-RY-za), a head cold If you think a pandemic is just a coryza Your future’s secure as a MAGA advyza. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Chimichurri, a green sauce used in Latin American cuisine A funny-tasting chimichurri taco from a Taco Bell Along a highway in Missouri brought me to E. coli hell: A restroom filled with puking men where not a single stall was free. Does misery love company? So people say, but hey, not me. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Bee-sides: Honorable mentions Brose (II) While backpacking through Scotland, a rich obnoxious fop Had run out of his trail mix, so he went into a shop. The keeper boiled water and he poured it over top Of plain, unsweetened oatmeal and the tourist flipped his mop. “What’s this rot supposed to be?” “It’s brose; just let it sop While you’re hiking; it’ll mix and you can eat it when you stop.” He bought some and then later, as he choked down every drop, He learned a brose by any name is still a bag of slop! (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Brose (III) Said the Edinburgh witch, “I suppose Using college boys’ fingers and toes In my porridge of oats Adds some tasty grace notes, And I’ll call it Fraternity Brose.” (Kevin Dopart) Golilla (go-LEE-yuh), a ruff-like collar worn by Spanish officials in the Renaissance A nonbeliever, Juan Garcia, Fixates on the white golilla, Knows the man’s a magistrate, And steels himself to learn his fate. It’s Torquemada, he’s been told, Who’s here to damn him to perdition. Sadly, no one — young or old — Expects the Spanish Inquisition. (Chris Doyle) Argillaceous (ar-gi-lacious), claylike “He’s dead, Jim,” stated Bones, in direct, plain-spoken tones, Which Enterprising crewfolk thought ungracious: “This pronouncement, made so often — can we find a way to soften? “Say, ‘Captain Kirk, our ensign’s argillaceous.’” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Dasypodid (da-SIP-odid), relating to armadillos A dashing young dasypodid was setting out one day To make his way across the road and pass the time away. This armadillo hit a snag, so he did not get far; He met his alter ego on the road: an armored car. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Dasypodid (II) There once was a king who revered armadillos; They featured in tapestries, portraits and pillows. He wished that his knights for the battle would thirst, But his “brave” cavaliers were, quite simply, The Worst. On tournament day, to the king’s great chagrin, Each one left his hauberk behind at the inn. Fed up and enraged, the king angrily chid, “Wear your armor all day, like the dasypodid!” (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Chorine (koreen), old-time chorus girl A Parisian chorine can recall Being cautioned: “No leaning, stand tall! When you kick, stay erect So your legs will project. In the cancan, you can’t cant at all!” (Chris Doyle) Cacoepy, mispronunciation (the word itself may be pronounced ka-CO-pee, as in the first poem below, or kaka-WEH-pee, as in the second) While her name doesn’t rhyme with “impala,” Some, on purpose, will call her “ka-MAL-a.” Most regard that as dopey, But the ploy of cacoepy Sure makes many a MAGA type holla. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Cacoepy (II) You munch on “sherbert” or a “crape”? Your blunders are horrific. Mischieviously you excape! Oh, I could get pacific. “Your cacoepic point is mute! Relax! It’s Febyuary!” You’ll find me in the bridal suit Committing harry-carry. (Duncan Stevens) Lipofuscin (lip-oh-FUSS-in), pigments found in internal cells, associated with aging Is your hair going gray? Don’t you fret. It turns out that, the older you get, As your cells turn to Jell-O, Lipofuscin (brown-yellow) Makes your insides more blond and brunette. (Melissa Balmain) Mercator projection: a world map that exaggerates the size of lands near the poles My lawmaker colleagues, you see on this globe How the ice caps have shrunk; a correction Is urgently needed. Instead of a globe We should use a Mercator projection. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Ostreger, a keeper of goshawks He’s the one with a bird in the hand Not the one with a head in the sand. (Kevin Dopart) Torrefaction, roasting with fire or intense heat When I’m trying to style my hair And my Airwrap breaks as the heat goes out blowing nothing but lukewarm air Flatt’ning out my thoroughly drenched Mohawk As they laugh at me out on the boardwalk ... I can’t get no torrefaction I can’t get no frizz redaction and I dry and I dry and I dry and I dry …. (Frank Mann, Washington) Pigsney (sweetheart) “Pigsney” was the word the young man used, But his girlfriend thought she’d been abused! Though he meant to say “my darling pet,” Did she misconstrue this word? You bet! If you want her for your valentine, Never choose a term evoking swine! (Beverley Sharp) Psephomancy (divination with pebbles) “Granity-vanity, Seer-phrenologist, Show me a future that Knocks off my socks!” “Looked at your noggin all Psephomance-atically; I have divined that your Head’s full of rocks.” (Duncan Stevens) Psephomancy (II) A bunch of psephomantic seers Who see themselves as modern rebels Break from all their stodgy peers To prophesy with Fruity Pebbles. (Chris Doyle) Favicon, an icon associated with a certain website (After “The Second Coming” by William Butler Yeats) Swiping and swiping on my doom-scrolling feed... The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity... A favicon with bird body and the hue of the sky Is spreading its slow lies, while all about it Retweet quotes of their indignant followers... And what rough hashtag, its hour come round at last Slouches towards Buzzfeed to be born? (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) Rumbustical, boisterous and unruly Rumbustical, the white men roared, and flowed around the barricades, and beat the cops, backing the blue against the walls, to goad Congress to stop the “steal,” pull out the stops, throw out the votes, bend knees, bow down to force: “legitimate political discourse.” (Donald Norum) Splanchnicectomy (splank-ni-kectomy), dissection of intestinal nerves Ballad of the Trump-Excuser Republican He won’t stand up to Trump; on hands he sits. His head is found inside his rectum; he Had guts and nerves once; now they’ve gone to bits. Perhaps he had a splanchnicectomy. (Duncan Stevens) And Last: Oculogyric, relating to eye-rolling Stylishly smilishly, Wannabe humorists Rattle off entries to Poor progeny, All of whom sigh and say, Oculogyrically, “Inking or not, you’re a Loser to me.” (Coleman Glenn) And Even Laster: Empressement (ahm-press-MONT), demonstrative warmth or cordiality. Many times we call things by their opposite. In this contest, “Loser” comes to mind. If we look hard, are there more examples? Well, how are “empressement” and “Empress Pat” aligned? (Jon Gearhart) Still running — deadline Monday, Aug. 25: Tell us a what-if scenario and its funny result. See wapo.st/invite1497. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1499: Picture This, a cartoon caption contest Plus never-before-seen extra ink from five previous contests Image without a caption By Pat Myers July 28, 2022 at 8:00 a.m. EDT (For The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to more inking entries from several previous contests Recidivist Losers, you know the drill. Brand-new Invitees, I bet you can figure it out. In our umpteenth (give or take a teenth) Bob Staake cartoon caption contest: Write a caption, either descriptive or in dialogue, for any of the cartoons above, up to a total of 25 entries. So you won’t harsh the Empress’s post-vacation mellow, please format your entries like this: Begin each entry with “Picture 1:,” “Picture 2:,” etc. (no, not with the quotation marks, silly), then follow it on the same line with your caption. This will let the E click on “Sort” to put all the Picture 1s (Pictures 1?) together, and your entry won’t end up in two pieces on two different pages. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1499 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 8; results appear Aug. 28 in print, Aug. 25 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two small bags of Lactation Cookie Bites, which contain – no, not breast milk (or even udder milk) – “ingredients traditionally used to support breast milk,” which seem to be oatmeal, flaxseed and brewer’s yeast. Donated by Jeff Contompasis, who has never had lactation difficulty. Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Our Yuks Runneth Over” is by Eric Murphy; I solicited the headline in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. Sign up for the Devotees at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational, the Empress’s weekly online column, will return next week. And from various recent contests ... Our yuks runneth over: Bonus ink from recent contests So the Empress could take a few days’ vacation — she and the Royal Consort went up to Niagara Falls to join a dozen or so Invite-types at this year’s Loserfest — there was no Week 1495 contest four weeks ago. Instead, here’s a sampling of more ink from five recent contests. From Week 1489: Rearrange the words in a movie title A Desire Named Streetcar: This tense political thriller follows the D.C. Council as planners seek approval to extend the H Street line once it stops crashing into things. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) A Kill to a View: A family road trip is spoiled by their teenage son’s repeated photobombing. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) French the Connection: The tragic tale of the brief apprenticeship of a young electrician. (Marty Gold, Arlington, Va.) Kind Encounters of the Close Third: Edged out by a tenth of a second, the bronze-medal relay team is invited by friendly rivals to share the second podium. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.) Look Up “Don’t”: A Merriam-Webster editor tells her boyfriend what she thinks of his planned bachelor weekend in Vegas. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Penguins of the March: A raucous group of partiers dress up as nuns and crash New York’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) From Week 1490, song parodies about the news Two songs "sung" by Vladimir Putin, both set to "If I Only Had a Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz" From Lviv to Mariupol, I wouldn’t have a scruple, The people I’d “retrain;” And there’d be no discussion, 'Less, of course, they’re speaking Russian, If I only had Ukraine. This projection of my power Would make the Baltics cower, While NATO goes insane, And in Finland and Sweden, They’d see who’d be next for bleedin’ If I only had Ukraine. Oh I can’t tell you why, we’re not running up the score, It should have a pretty little war, But we’ve been stopped — and stopped some more. With my mercenaries Chechen, I’d silence all the kvetchin’ With none left to complain. My next moves I’d be plottin’ While my friends go back to yachtin’ If I only had Ukraine. (Mark Raffman) II. I'll erase each Euro border To make a new world order, Where I alone will reign. Then the troops I'm stackin' inland Will begin attackin' Finland Once I subjugate Ukraine. First I need to show Zelensky That there's no common-sense-ky To savin' his domain. I'll be leavin' him a mess o' New cadavers in Odessa All resistance is in vain! Oh, I have nukes galore, So many more in store. I could wage a war like never waged before, But here's a fear I can't ignore: Russian poets might be pennin' More odes to me than Lenin While the obit scribes explain: "Putin should've been suspicious Drinking black tea that delicious, But he didn't have a brain!" (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) From Week 1491: Add a letter to a word or phrase beginning A-E Abysmale: Your doofus brother-in-law. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) Charmeleon: Someone who can enchant Tucker Carlson and, five minutes later, Rachel Maddow. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) Carvity: The mysteriously-located repository for lost change, lipsticks and receipts; it comes as standard equipment in every vehicle. (Karen Lambert) Ceremoney: What the wedding planner looks forward to. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.) Cutebacks: To conserve our nation’s saccharin supply, romcoms henceforth will have only “meet normal” scenes. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Calendare: “I bet you can’t remember what day our anniversary is.” (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) From Week 1492: Conservative-leaning humor What’s the difference between a conservative and a liberal? A: a conservative believes in the school of life; a liberal believes in spending one’s life in school. (Karen Lambert) What do you call a liberal who has just received a large inheritance? A conservative. (Keith Ord, Potomac, Md.) What happens when an Ivy League college brings together all its moderate and conservative employees? They say hi, finish their janitorial work and head home for the day. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) From Week 1493: Feghoots — mini-stories ending in groaner puns When the Israelites were led out of Egypt and into the desert, they became quite hungry. So God provided manna in the wilderness, and the wanderers ate their fill. In fact, one Israelite ate too much and became ill. The leader asked him what was wrong, and the man groaned, “Everything’s coming up, Moses.” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) At dinner parties, the scientist Alexander Fleming loved to tell his guests about how he discovered penicillin in 1928. His wife, of course, had heard the tale a million times. So whenever he launched into it yet again, she’d roll her eyes and say, “Here we go again... it’s always the same mold story.” (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) The thieves were getting brazen at our little Dodge truck repair shop, stealing wheels, catalytic converters and sound systems. And we just didn’t have the money for a security system or a bigger fence. So we rotated guard duty: All through the night o’er the Ram parts we watched. (Al Lubran, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 1: Our contest to write a funny poem that misuses a word, like using “debunk” to mean take down a bunk bed. See wapo.st/invite1498. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1500: These go to 15 Coin a new word or phrase whose letters add to 15 Scrabble points (no blanks!). Plus compare/contrast winners. Image without a caption By Pat Myers August 4, 2022 at 10:14 a.m. EDT (For The Washington Post) Comment Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winners of our latest compare/contrast contest PIZA (3 + 1 + 10 + 1): What you get when the Domino’s guy tipped over his bag on the way to your house. ZOOB: A co-worker who doesn’t get videoconference etiquette. “And then he took over the screen just to show he’d solved today’s Wordle in 3! What a zoob.” CAFFOON: Someone who’s constantly spilling the coffee or leaving the pot on too long. UNCAWTH: What it is when you don’t invite your colleagues to your cocaine orgies. Astonishingly, The Washington Post has seen fit to publish 1,500 weeks of The Style Invitational — which means the Empress is 98 weeks more astonished than when she ran this same sort of contest for Week 1402. This week: Make up a word or phrase whose Scrabble letter values add up to exactly 15 (no blanks!) and define it, as in the examples above; “Piza” is by Our Own Bob Staake, and the rest are from Invite Obsessive Duncan Stevens, who rightly figured that the E had totally forgotten Week 1402. Your single word may not be eligible for English-language Scrabble; to check, just type in the word at scrabble.merriam.com to make sure it’s not valid. As with all our neologism contests, you’re welcome to use your word in a funny sentence to make your entry funnier, and you are not welcome to use your word in one that doesn’t. And remember, we’re not playing Scrabble, so feel free to, say, use three B’s even though there are only two in a Scrabble set, and it doesn’t matter if your long word would end up on two double-point squares on the board. Just count the points, okay? Scrabble letter values: 1 point: A, E, I, O, U, L, N, S, T, R 2 points: D, G 3 points: B, C, M, P 4 points: F, H, V, W, Y 5 points: K 8 points: J, X 10 points: Q, Z Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1500 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 15; results appear Sept. 4 in print, Sept. 1 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of sturdy bright blue coat hooks in a handsome dog butt motif; we believe they’re from the wags at Ikea. Donated by Loser Daphne Steinberg. Perfect for hanging a leash — or a tailcoat. This week's 2nd prize. (Pat Myers/TWP) Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Yuxtapositions” is by Jesse Frankovich; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published late Thursday, Aug. 4, at wapo.st/conv1500. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Yuxtapositions: Compare/contrast ink from Week 1496 Week 1496 was the latest installment of our contest in which the Empress posts a list of wacky items and the Losers say what’s similar or different about any two (or more). Numerous entries noted that 8 percent inflation and a banned book both result in high interest. 4th place: The recurring exam dream is like 8 percent inflation: Both might culminate in a failed midterm. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) 3rd place: 8 percent inflation and six Supreme Court justices: Things wouldn’t be so bad if we could just get it down to three or four. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place and the pack of Face Coasters: A hypersonic missile and six Supreme Court justices: Look what I have in my pocket! — D.J.T., Mar-a-Lago, Fla. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: A hypersonic missile vs. a banned book: You can open-carry the missile in Texas. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Shame difference: Honorable mentions A flushable wipe and six Supreme Court justices: They’re both up in my business. (Deb Stewart, Damascus) Six Supreme Court justices vs. a worn-out toothbrush: Only the justices will control your cavities. (Kevin Dopart) How is Elon Musk like six Supreme Court justices? Opposes all regulations, reneges on his promise, thinks he knows what’s best for everyone, dresses all in black … hell, might as well give him a robe. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) A flushable wipe and a romance novel: They both bring a flush to the cheeks! (Katherine Schaepman, Locust Grove, Va., a First Offender) A banned book vs. a romance novel: At a D.C. bookstore, you ask for one of these in a whisper while looking over your shoulder, and the other is part of a giant “read a banned book” display. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) Cat hair and a romance novel: Lots of nasty stuff on the furniture. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) 8 percent inflation and Old Bay: They’ve both been added lately to every item in the grocery store. (Ben Aronin, Washington) A magnetometer can detect the presence of a gun in the lobby. Six Supreme Court justices are a present to the gun lobby. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.) A magnetometer and six Supreme Court justices: Both are out to monitor what’s in your pants. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) A romance novel vs. the LIV golf tour: In the novel, a traveling man gives his heart; in the other, he sells his soul. (Frank Mann, Washington) A period-tracking app: Think “Mrs. Flo.” A banned book: Think “Mr. Fla.” (Kevin Dopart) A terrible SNL sketch: “Did they really have to go there?” Being back at the office: “Did I really have to come here?” (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) Six Supreme Court justices vs. 8 percent inflation: With the first, it’s bye-bye Roe; with the second, bye-bye Joe. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) How are six Supreme Court justices like flushable wipes … Hey, has anybody seen my copy of the Constitution? (John Amberg, Alexandria, Va.) Six Supreme Court justices vs. 8 percent inflation: The first did away with precedent; the second may do away with a president. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) The recurring exam dream and six Supreme Court justices: Both have taken many of us back over 50 years. (Chris Doyle) A magnetometer vs. six Supreme Court justices: A magnetometer will stop a bad guy with a gun. (Karen Lambert; Kevin Dopart) A hypersonic missile and the LIV golf tour: One is a costly project for ICBMs and the other is a costly project for icy MBS. (Gregory Huyck, Frederick, Md.) In a romance novel, nobody suffers from 8 percent inflation. (Aaron Olszewski, Silver Spring, Md.) A romance novel vs. cat hair: One involves mattresses and the other involves cat tresses. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) Being back at the office vs. Elon Musk In one, you’re a bitter sitter; the other’s a Twitter quitter. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) A banned book and a period-tracking app: The app contains material that the State of Mississippi would find valuable. (Mark Raffman) A banned book: Likely to be forbidden; Six Supreme Court Justices: Unlikely to be for Biden. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Cat hair and borscht are tied for the two worst aspects of finding cat hair in your borscht. (Daniel Galef, Gainesville, Fla.) Cat hair is like a worn-out toothbrush in that it’s been in my mouth way too much. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) 8 percent inflation and being back at the office: Yea, we’re all getting 8 percent raises! … Aren’t we? Hello? (Pam Shermeyer) 8 percent inflation can make your money worthless; a period-tracking app can keep your honey birthless. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) A hypersonic missile vs. a terrible SNL sketch: Both end with a bomb, but the sketch takes forever to get there. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring) Being back at the office vs. a period-tracking app: Some folks eagerly count the days until the office holiday party; some folks nervously count the days after it. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.) Being back at the office is like a worn-out toothbrush: It’s not so bad when you’re used to it, but coming back to it after two years? Gross. (Michie March, Ellicott City, Md. a First Offender) Being back at the office vs. the recurring exam dream: In both cases you’re baffled and have no idea what you’re doing there, but in the dream you’re more prepared. (Karen Lambert) A period-tracking app and a flushable wipe: If you don’t use the former, you may soon be using more of the latter. (Frank Osen) A period-tracking app and six Supreme Court justices: Women everywhere are counting the days until their next wave of pain. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) A terrible SNL sketch and being back at the office. Lots of bad jokes, forced laughter and getting up to go to the bathroom. And the SNL sketch isn’t much better. (Frank Mann) A worn-out toothbrush: The bristles overused. Cat hair: The Bissell’s overused. (Chris Doyle) A flushable wipe vs. borscht: One can clog your pipes, the other can clog your pipes. (Pam Shermeyer) 8 percent inflation: What you’ve earned is worth less. A Style Invitational second prize: What you’ve earned is worthless. (Jesse Frankovich) 8 percent inflation keeps people from running amok at the mall; a magnetometer keeps people from running amok on the Mall. (Karen Lambert) Cat hair and Old Bay: I’d rather season my food with the former. — G. Weingarten, Washington (Jeff Contompasis) A worn-out toothbrush and a Style Invitational second prize: There’s a market on eBay for the toothbrush. (Mike Gips, Bethesda; Leif Picoult) A Style Invitational second prize: Alas, you got beat. Borscht: Alas, you got beet. (Jesse Frankovich) A flushable wipe vs. a Style Invitational second prize: The wipe was designed to be to be flushed down a toilet. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) The recurring exam dream, a hypersonic missile, 8 percent inflation, Elon Musk, and six Supreme Court Justices: The first is the only nightmare on the list that you can wake up from. (Michael Stein, Arlington) A romance novel: Naughty. Elon Musk: Haughty. The LIV golf tour: Saudi. A flushable wipe: Potty. A Style Invitational second-place prize: Shoddy (and potty). (Jesse Frankovich) Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 8: Our caption contest for any of four Bob Staake cartoons. See wapo.st/invite1499. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1501: Try a little ‘kindness’ Tell us ways to be ‘helpful’ that, well, wouldn’t be. Plus the winners of our what-if contest. Image without a caption By Pat Myers August 11, 2022 at 9:58 a.m. EDT “Whenever I see a car with a ticket I chuck it in the bin so the driver doesn’t have to pay.” (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) Comment 0 Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the "what-if" winners This week’s contest comes from recent First Offender Al Lubran, who’d come across, indirectly, an entertaining exchange on Reddit’s CasualUK forum: Someone named GraharG posed this question: “Whenever I see a car with a ticket I chuck it in the bin so the driver doesn’t have to pay,” GraharG announced, then put it to their fellow Brits: “What act of kindness do you do for strangers?” The Redditors immediately picked up the joke: “When my neighbours put their bin out in the evening I take them straight back in for them before morning, so they don’t get stolen in the night,” confided Mirrorshade5. “Whenever there’s a meeting on a Friday afternoon, I like to ask lots of questions at the end so no one else feels embarrassed about the stony silence,” FlibV1 chimed in. You get it. This week: Tell about an “act of kindness” that you or someone else does that, well, won’t be appreciated, as in the examples above. (We’ll be speaking American, though.) They should be expressed as if you think the act is actually a good thing. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1501 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 22; results appear, urp, Sept. 11 in print, Sept. 8 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of high-quality men’s socks imprinted with rows of tiny cartoon houses and the label “Head of the Household” — with the word “butt” added above it, so you get “Butt Head of the Household.” Ha ha! Presumably intended as a gag Father’s Day gift. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar, whose feet have not touched them. So helpful for Father's Day: This week's second prize. (blueq.com) Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Wit-Ifs” is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s at wapo.st/conv1501. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Wit-ifs: Winning wondering from Week 1497 Our Week 1497 contest was as wide open as you could get. It was simply “What if” something had happened that hadn’t, or were happening that hadn’t been, or might (but probably not) happen in the future. 4th place: If polygamy were still the prevailing family structure, insults would have to be much more specific: “Yo Third Mama, the one with the red hair who doesn’t wear glasses, is so fat that, uh, I forget where I was going with this …” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: What if the cellphone had never been invented? I guess we’d all just be staring at our hands a lot. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) 2nd place and the winner of the ridiculously small men’s swimsuit: What if no one had invented the question mark. (Frank Mann, Washington) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: What if I had married my high school sweetheart? Well, by now, I’d probably be charged with bigamy. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The if-raff: Honorable mentions What if all peppercorns were white? My beard would be described as “salt-with-black-hairs-in-it.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington) What if Mark Meadows had hired a young man to be his White House aide? For one, there’d still be ketchup on the wall. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) If a Greek messenger had run 26.2 miles after the Battle of Salamis, people today would be holding walkalamis, telelamis, readalamis … (Duncan Stevens) If discount retailers adopted cryptocurrency, would there be a .00004457 Bitcoin Tree? (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) What if sharks could vocalize like whales? They would go ahead and do that “Jaws” music themselves. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Fifty years after the Revolutionary War, what if Americans still loyal to the crown erected statues of British Redcoat generals in their town squares? Nothing would have happened until another hundred years after that, when someone would say, “Um, weren’t they the tyrants?” and then a new war would start over whether to remove the statues. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) If Earth had two moons, men would have twice as many reasons to blame women for everything. (Sarah Walsh) If humans regulated body temperature by panting like dogs, Winston Churchill would have had nothing to offer but “blood, toil, tears and drool.” (Duncan Stevens) If John Cage had been fond of Chopin, he would have sat at the piano and not played the “Minute” Waltz 4½ times. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) If Marco Polo had never traveled the Silk Road, kids at the pool would be yelling the names of other explorers, like “Andrew! Longjumeau!” or “Albert! Von le Coq!” (Duncan Stevens) If Moses hadn’t led the people of Israel through the Red Sea, Marjorie Taylor Greene would be concerned about Hittite space lasers. (Duncan Stevens) If O.J. had behaved himself, we never would have met the Kardashians. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) If the Lord had found another five or six righteous residents, Sodom and Gomorrah would have been spared, and Lot’s wife would not have spent the next few millennia on the rim of a margarita glass. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) If the selfie had never been invented, people would have to find some other reason to walk backward over cliffs. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) What if a cabal of politicians who are cannibalistic, Satan-worshiping pedophiles were running a global child sex-trafficking ring out of a D.C. pizzeria? Madison Cawthorn would claim he’d been invited to join. (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) What if all cars came with turn signals? Wait — they all do? Then where’s yours? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) What if all the brokenhearted people living in the world agreed? They’d let it be. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) What if alternating-current inventor Nikola Tesla came forward in time and discovered that the cars named for him run on direct current? He’d be the first person to unfollow Elon Musk for nothing he said. (Michie March, Ellicott City, Md.) What if before every airing of Tucker Carlson there was a warning: “This is complete BS”? Well, people still smoke cigarettes with the warning “Smoking causes cancer,” so I guess nothing would change. (Drew Bennett) What if covid spread by flatulence instead of from breathing? Republicans would demand the right to eat in restaurants with no pants and would call underwear a government conspiracy. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) What if Disney films had retained the gruesome violence of the original fairy tale plots? Boys would love princess movies: “It’s my turn to be the stepsister and chop off my toes! You can be the bird and peck out my eyes. Then, I’ll be Snow White and you be the queen and I’ll torture you with burning red-hot iron shoes!” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) What if Donald Trump had been born into a family that wasn’t rich? Donald who? (Neal Starkman, Seattle) What if everyone in the world were offered $440 million to work for 15 years from March through October? Not a single person would reject that offer unless the person played for the Washington Nationals. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) What if George Washington had really stood up in that boat crossing the Delaware River and he fell in and drowned? This contest would be in The Cornwallis Post. (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg, Md.) What if Google didn’t exist? People would return to less invasive methods of investigating prospective romantic partners, like sifting through their trash. (Karen Lambert) What if helium were heavier than air? An amorous guy could pop a balloon, inhale, and sound like Barry White. (Sarah Walsh) What if humans could hear the same frequencies as dogs? Then we’d need to say things like “Rubio’s tweet about the ‘Soros backed prosecutors’ was clearly an anti-Semitic mousewhistle.” (Duncan Stevens) What if kids came with an instruction manual? My luck, it would be from Ikea. (Aaron Olszewski, Silver Spring, Md.) What if Thanos hadn’t snapped his fingers in “Avengers: Infinity War”? Then we’d really have a shortage of baby formula. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) What if Lord Voldemort ran for president? Not a single Republican would ask to see his birth certificate. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) What if Michael Jordan ran an airline? It’d also be called Air Jordan, and the cheapest ticket would cost $10,000. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) What if Mike Pence runs for president in 2024? You’d definitely want to buy stock in a magnetometer company. (Steve Smith) What if Neil Young’s band were all Jewish? It would be called Meshuggeneh Horse. (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.) What if other businesses gave out samples like grocery stores? We’d all line up for them at banks and casinos but not so much in STD clinics. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) What if people had bark for skin? Couples could keep the fire in their relationship just by rubbing together. (Jon Gearhart) What if pigs could fly? The carwash and umbrella industries would boom! (Dave Airozo; Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) What if Stephen King had written “A Visit From St. Nicholas”? It would have opened, “'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro’ the house/Not a creature was stirring, 'cept an ax-murdering spouse …” (Jeff Contompasis) What if the NRA ran a dental office? They’d teach kids that candy doesn’t cause cavities — kids cause cavities. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) What if climate change forces us all to move to the moon? Democracy will live on. Well, at least on the near side. (Steve Smith) If Jeff Bezos had not purchased The Washington Post, then every day it would run disclaimers saying, “Jeff Bezos, who founded Amazon, has no interest in The Washington Post.” (Allan Grady, Fredericksburg, Va.) And Last: What if I had a time machine? I would fast-forward a couple of weeks to see what the winner is in this contest, and send it as my own entry. So, yeah, I guess I really don’t deserve a time machine. (Tom Witte, who’s entered virtually every Style Invitational contest since Week 7) Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 15: Our contest for new words whose letters add to 15 Scrabble points. See wapo.st/invite1500. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1501: Try a little ‘kindness’ Tell us ways to be ‘helpful’ that, well, wouldn’t be. Plus the winners of our what-if contest. Image without a caption By Pat Myers August 11, 2022 at 9:58 a.m. EDT “Whenever I see a car with a ticket I chuck it in the bin so the driver doesn’t have to pay.” (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) Comment 0 Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the "what-if" winners This week’s contest comes from recent First Offender Al Lubran, who’d come across, indirectly, an entertaining exchange on Reddit’s CasualUK forum: Someone named GraharG posed this question: “Whenever I see a car with a ticket I chuck it in the bin so the driver doesn’t have to pay,” GraharG announced, then put it to their fellow Brits: “What act of kindness do you do for strangers?” The Redditors immediately picked up the joke: “When my neighbours put their bin out in the evening I take them straight back in for them before morning, so they don’t get stolen in the night,” confided Mirrorshade5. “Whenever there’s a meeting on a Friday afternoon, I like to ask lots of questions at the end so no one else feels embarrassed about the stony silence,” FlibV1 chimed in. You get it. This week: Tell about an “act of kindness” that you or someone else does that, well, won’t be appreciated, as in the examples above. (We’ll be speaking American, though.) They should be expressed as if you think the act is actually a good thing. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1501 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 22; results appear, urp, Sept. 11 in print, Sept. 8 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of high-quality men’s socks imprinted with rows of tiny cartoon houses and the label “Head of the Household” — with the word “butt” added above it, so you get “Butt Head of the Household.” Ha ha! Presumably intended as a gag Father’s Day gift. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar, whose feet have not touched them. So helpful for Father's Day: This week's second prize. (blueq.com) Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Wit-Ifs” is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s at wapo.st/conv1501. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Wit-ifs: Winning wondering from Week 1497 Our Week 1497 contest was as wide open as you could get. It was simply “What if” something had happened that hadn’t, or were happening that hadn’t been, or might (but probably not) happen in the future. 4th place: If polygamy were still the prevailing family structure, insults would have to be much more specific: “Yo Third Mama, the one with the red hair who doesn’t wear glasses, is so fat that, uh, I forget where I was going with this …” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: What if the cellphone had never been invented? I guess we’d all just be staring at our hands a lot. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) 2nd place and the winner of the ridiculously small men’s swimsuit: What if no one had invented the question mark. (Frank Mann, Washington) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: What if I had married my high school sweetheart? Well, by now, I’d probably be charged with bigamy. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) The if-raff: Honorable mentions What if all peppercorns were white? My beard would be described as “salt-with-black-hairs-in-it.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington) What if Mark Meadows had hired a young man to be his White House aide? For one, there’d still be ketchup on the wall. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) If a Greek messenger had run 26.2 miles after the Battle of Salamis, people today would be holding walkalamis, telelamis, readalamis … (Duncan Stevens) If discount retailers adopted cryptocurrency, would there be a .00004457 Bitcoin Tree? (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) What if sharks could vocalize like whales? They would go ahead and do that “Jaws” music themselves. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Fifty years after the Revolutionary War, what if Americans still loyal to the crown erected statues of British Redcoat generals in their town squares? Nothing would have happened until another hundred years after that, when someone would say, “Um, weren’t they the tyrants?” and then a new war would start over whether to remove the statues. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) If Earth had two moons, men would have twice as many reasons to blame women for everything. (Sarah Walsh) If humans regulated body temperature by panting like dogs, Winston Churchill would have had nothing to offer but “blood, toil, tears and drool.” (Duncan Stevens) If John Cage had been fond of Chopin, he would have sat at the piano and not played the “Minute” Waltz 4½ times. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) If Marco Polo had never traveled the Silk Road, kids at the pool would be yelling the names of other explorers, like “Andrew! Longjumeau!” or “Albert! Von le Coq!” (Duncan Stevens) If Moses hadn’t led the people of Israel through the Red Sea, Marjorie Taylor Greene would be concerned about Hittite space lasers. (Duncan Stevens) If O.J. had behaved himself, we never would have met the Kardashians. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) If the Lord had found another five or six righteous residents, Sodom and Gomorrah would have been spared, and Lot’s wife would not have spent the next few millennia on the rim of a margarita glass. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) If the selfie had never been invented, people would have to find some other reason to walk backward over cliffs. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.) What if a cabal of politicians who are cannibalistic, Satan-worshiping pedophiles were running a global child sex-trafficking ring out of a D.C. pizzeria? Madison Cawthorn would claim he’d been invited to join. (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) What if all cars came with turn signals? Wait — they all do? Then where’s yours? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) What if all the brokenhearted people living in the world agreed? They’d let it be. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) What if alternating-current inventor Nikola Tesla came forward in time and discovered that the cars named for him run on direct current? He’d be the first person to unfollow Elon Musk for nothing he said. (Michie March, Ellicott City, Md.) What if before every airing of Tucker Carlson there was a warning: “This is complete BS”? Well, people still smoke cigarettes with the warning “Smoking causes cancer,” so I guess nothing would change. (Drew Bennett) What if covid spread by flatulence instead of from breathing? Republicans would demand the right to eat in restaurants with no pants and would call underwear a government conspiracy. (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) What if Disney films had retained the gruesome violence of the original fairy tale plots? Boys would love princess movies: “It’s my turn to be the stepsister and chop off my toes! You can be the bird and peck out my eyes. Then, I’ll be Snow White and you be the queen and I’ll torture you with burning red-hot iron shoes!” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) What if Donald Trump had been born into a family that wasn’t rich? Donald who? (Neal Starkman, Seattle) What if everyone in the world were offered $440 million to work for 15 years from March through October? Not a single person would reject that offer unless the person played for the Washington Nationals. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) What if George Washington had really stood up in that boat crossing the Delaware River and he fell in and drowned? This contest would be in The Cornwallis Post. (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg, Md.) What if Google didn’t exist? People would return to less invasive methods of investigating prospective romantic partners, like sifting through their trash. (Karen Lambert) What if helium were heavier than air? An amorous guy could pop a balloon, inhale, and sound like Barry White. (Sarah Walsh) What if humans could hear the same frequencies as dogs? Then we’d need to say things like “Rubio’s tweet about the ‘Soros backed prosecutors’ was clearly an anti-Semitic mousewhistle.” (Duncan Stevens) What if kids came with an instruction manual? My luck, it would be from Ikea. (Aaron Olszewski, Silver Spring, Md.) What if Thanos hadn’t snapped his fingers in “Avengers: Infinity War”? Then we’d really have a shortage of baby formula. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) What if Lord Voldemort ran for president? Not a single Republican would ask to see his birth certificate. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) What if Michael Jordan ran an airline? It’d also be called Air Jordan, and the cheapest ticket would cost $10,000. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) What if Mike Pence runs for president in 2024? You’d definitely want to buy stock in a magnetometer company. (Steve Smith) What if Neil Young’s band were all Jewish? It would be called Meshuggeneh Horse. (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.) What if other businesses gave out samples like grocery stores? We’d all line up for them at banks and casinos but not so much in STD clinics. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) What if people had bark for skin? Couples could keep the fire in their relationship just by rubbing together. (Jon Gearhart) What if pigs could fly? The carwash and umbrella industries would boom! (Dave Airozo; Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) What if Stephen King had written “A Visit From St. Nicholas”? It would have opened, “'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro’ the house/Not a creature was stirring, 'cept an ax-murdering spouse …” (Jeff Contompasis) What if the NRA ran a dental office? They’d teach kids that candy doesn’t cause cavities — kids cause cavities. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) What if climate change forces us all to move to the moon? Democracy will live on. Well, at least on the near side. (Steve Smith) If Jeff Bezos had not purchased The Washington Post, then every day it would run disclaimers saying, “Jeff Bezos, who founded Amazon, has no interest in The Washington Post.” (Allan Grady, Fredericksburg, Va.) And Last: What if I had a time machine? I would fast-forward a couple of weeks to see what the winner is in this contest, and send it as my own entry. So, yeah, I guess I really don’t deserve a time machine. (Tom Witte, who’s entered virtually every Style Invitational contest since Week 7) Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 15: Our contest for new words whose letters add to 15 Scrabble points. See wapo.st/invite1500. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1503: Sing of your supper—parodies about food Plus the winners of our Bob Staake cartoon caption contest By Pat Myers August 25, 2022 at 9:59 a.m. EDT A caption for this Bob Staake cartoon took first place in this week's Style Invitational. See it and other inking captions for this cartoon and three others below. (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) Comment 1 Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winning cartoon captions Along with the recurring song contests that focus on the news, the Empress likes to toss in a few that don’t necessarily play off the headlines (though they’re welcome to!). In the past we’ve done songs on the general themes of animals and work; this year, at the suggestion of both Marcus Bales and, more recently, Mark Raffman: Write a humorous song on the subject of food — growing it, cooking with it, eating it, whatever — set to a well-known tune or your original tune (for that, of course, you’d need to make a recording). Videos are an increasingly popular option in our song contests — we’ve had some fabulous “video ink” in recent years — but lyrics are still the main thing, and parodies that run in our print edition must be set to very familiar tunes. See this week’s Style Conversational column for more guidance on doing songs for the Invite. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1503 (no capitals in the Web address). We give you an extra week for songs: Deadline is Monday, Sept. 12; results appear Sept. 25 in print, Sept. 22 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, apropos of this contest, an Invite Gourmet Variety Pack consisting of souvenir bags of chocolates labeled Canadian Beaver Poop (donated by Jonathan Hardis during our Niagara Falls Loserfest trip), Ohio Cow Poop and Cincinnati Pig Poop (both given us long ago by Duncan Stevens) as well as a tin of Alien Poop Mints from Elden Carnahan. Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Jest of Drawers” was submitted by both Jon Gearhart and Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published late Thursday, Aug. 25, at wapo.st/conv1503. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Jest of Drawers: Inking cartoon captions from Week 1499 Week 1499 provided yet another opportunity to attach ridiculous captions to even ridiculouser Bob Staake cartoons. Among the 1,300 entries the Empress waded through, dozens mentioned “bear necessities” for Picture 2, and many others told Yogi or Smokey that he wasn’t in “a bear market.” The top four captions are listed under their respective cartoons. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) Third place: “And how would you like us to arrange your flight: overbooked or canceled?” (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) “Perhaps you meant to say ‘a ticket to Pittsburgh,’ Reverend Spooner.” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) “I’m sorry, but Viking Cruises does not offer a ‘steerage’ option.” (Jonathan Jensen) “Ah, yes, the Perth Amboy poster. Let’s just say, the Northern New Jersey Tourism Council made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) “Actually, Mr. Greenblatt, I don’t think shoving money up your nose is the best way to avoid pickpockets.” (Ward Foeller, Charlottesville, Va.) “I’m afraid that given the dimensions of your nose, you’ll also have to reserve the seat in front of you.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) “For people who’ve already turned green, Perth Amboy might be lovely!” (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.) “Yes, I’m sure the nose plug filters are efficient, but they still want you to wear a mask.” (Daniel Jarrell, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) “Why, yes, we do offer time travel back to when offices had no computer screens.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington) “Honestly, I don’t know how the rest of my head stays attached, either.” (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.) “You’ve seen London? You’ve seen France? Then I’m afraid the ‘Netherlands’ are off-limits to you, sir.” (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) He’d hoped to get out of the country to avoid the subpoena, but Rudy’s fake mustache didn’t fool anyone. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) In the spring of 1945, a travel agent booked passage to Argentina for one “Adolfo Schicklgruber,” who was never seen again. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) Fourth place: “What do you mean you ‘overhibernated’? Now get to work!” (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.) “Even if you’re smarter than the average bear, it’s pretty dumb to forget your wallet.” (Jonathan Jensen) “Ryan, how many times have I told you that your mascot costume scares the customers!” (Jeff Lubbers, Takoma Park, Md.) “For the last time, buddy, you’re gonna hafta use Cottonelle!” (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.; Lani Jacobson, Herndon, Va.) “It’s in the back and on the right … but I thought you guys went in the woods …” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) “Him? We don’t talk about Bruno. No, no, no.” (Duncan Stevens) “Can’t you read? This lane is for shoppers with FIVE items!” (Cheryl Gracey, Winchester, Va., a First Offender; Steve Smith) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) Second place and the Lactation Cookie Bites: “Mom, if I have to run down here every time your screen freezes, I’m going to flunk gym class.” (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.) “I sent the file labeled ‘Fake Electors’ to the ‘Electors’ folder, and the ‘Fake Fake Electors’ to the ‘Really Fake Electors’ file, but then it all got a little confused …” (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) “All I did was ask about your enhanced proxy-layered security protocols and you look at me like I’ve got two heads.” (Jonathan Jensen) “So basically, in Windows 11, you can do all of the same things but they’re all located in different places. No, I don’t know why, either.” (Maier Schreiber, Jerusalem, a First Offender) “Whose password is thisplacesucks123?” (Carol Lasky, Boston) “Done. Now he’ll be a panda on his next Zoom call.” (Robert Welch, Atlanta, a First Offender) “See? Every time I click, the desk gets a little shorter.” (Chris Parkin, Silver Spring) “There’s your problem. No Pokémon power can evolve a Squirtle to a Jigglypuff.” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) “Control-Alt-Delete never seems to work on illegal stuff.” (Mel Simoneau, Gatineau, Quebec, a First Offender) “Yeah, so, I don’t know what it means for a CPA, but online? Whenever you see ‘Rule 34’ you’re gonna wanna click this little red X right here.” (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) “The Empress says only 25 entries, so I use lots of email addresses and pretend my house is an apartment building.” (Sam Mertens) (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: “Well, he did ask if he could take our order.” (Carol Lasky, Boston) “Will you make me the happiest man in the world and pick up the check?” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) “The owner is really named Chester, but he thought it sounded classier in French.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) “I thought you said you loved cats!” (Lynne Larkin) “I hear it’s impolite to call a French waiter ‘garçon.’ The preferred term is ‘skippy.’ ” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) How did I know what “couilles de mouton” were? (Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.) “Just because I voted to strip away your bodily autonomy doesn’t mean we can’t make this work!” (Donald Norum) “Maybe I shouldn’t ask this on a first date, but has anyone ever told you you have a nose like a heron’s beak and your legs are two different colors?” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) “Salome, I asked you to help me get ‘ahead with my boss!’ ” (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) “Don’t let on that I’m The Post’s ood-fay itic-cray!” (Gary Crockett) Emma later told Date Lab she appreciated James’s “well-groomed nostrils.” (Steve Smith) Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 29: Our contest for limericks featuring a word or name beginning with “hi-.” See wapo.st/invite1502. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1504: All set — anagram all 100 Scrabble tiles Empty out the bag and see what you get. Plus winning new words that would score 15 Scrabble points. By Pat Myers September 1, 2022 at 9:52 a.m. EDT Cartoon for a contest to make an anagram of all 100 Scrabble tiles, as done daily by physician David Cohen. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) Comment 0 Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the 15-point words and phrases Kansas girl with a dog, aided by brave companions, journeyed up to Oz, in time recalling the exquisite value of red footwear. — Scrabblegram by David Cohen about, well, duh (blanks are D and O) The Empress was alerted recently to the marvelous Twitter account Scrabblegrams by Dave, Dave being physician David Cohen of Atlanta, who’s been posting an anagram of the entire Scrabble set every day — hundreds of them so far. Dave first encountered this daunting challenge in a 1997 contest in Games Magazine, in which he came up not only with a valid Scrabblegram, as the form had become known (not related to ScrabbleGrams, the Jumble-type word contest in daily papers including The Post), but an excellent limerick to boot — winning the whole contest: A clown jumps above a trapeze. Arcs over one-eighty degrees. Out into mid-air, Quite unaware Of his exiting billfold and keys. (Blanks are E and S.) Then, just two years ago, Dave read an article about Scrabblegrams in Eric Chaikin’s blog Beyond Wordplay, tracing the form back to Britain in the 1970s and declaring Dave’s clown limerick the GOAT of the genre. And bam — Dave plunged in once again, “then got hooked for good.” And so if Dave can Scrabblegram every single day on Twitter and his website, the Loser Community can surely come through for this week’s contest: Write a Scrabblegram — an anagram of all 100 tiles in an English-language Scrabble set (your choice for the two blanks). Any punctuation is fine. Your writing can be a funny thought, a poem, a dialogue, what-evah. Here’s how many of each letter you’ll be working with: A-9, B-2, C-2, D-4, E-12, F-2, G-3, H-2, I-9, J-1, K-1, L-4, M-2, N-6, O-8, P-2, Q-1, R-6, S-4, T-6, U-4, V-2, W-2, X-1, Y-2, Z-1. Plus the two blanks of your choice. There’s a fabulous — and necessary — tool for writing and checking your Scrabblegram, one we’ve used in previous anagram contests: It’s the Anagram Checker at wordsmith.org, devised by the brilliant and also very gracious Anu Garg. See the the bottom of this column for a string of the 100 characters you can copy into the tool to compare with your own anagram — and if it’s valid, the letters will jump around in celebration. Submit up to 25 entries (if you’re some sort of freaky Dave-like anagramming wizard) at wapo.st/enter-invite-1504 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 12; results appear Oct. 2 in print, Sept. 29 online. Second prize this pail is, sporting the E's Christmas cactus. (Pat Myers/TWP) Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a charming Yoda-head pail with handle, suitable for trick-or-treating, as a little planter, or as an excellent handbag for your more whimsical cocktail parties. Donated by Daphne Steinberg. Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Neolog15ms” is by Kevin Dopart; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Loser David Smith alerted the Empress to the Twitter account Scrabblegrams by Dave. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s at wapo.st/conv1504. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Neolog15ms: New 15-Scrabble-point words from Week 1500 To celebrate Week 1500, the Empress asked the Losers to think up new words whose letters would add up to 15 points in Scrabble. (It mattered not whether there were more P’s, say, in a word than there are in the game, or whether a word would have to land on a double space.) 4th place: Subpeony: The official flower of the Justice Department — it’s been in full bloom lately in Florida and Georgia. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) 3rd place: Vegenerates: The debased, un-American sort who would order plant-based sausage at Cracker Barrel. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) 2nd place and the dog butt coat hooks: QAnon: It is 15 points — you counted it wrong. (Erika Reinfeld, Medford, Mass.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Dadolescent: A husband who spends every damn night playing Nintendo with the kids. “Okay, hold on, they’ll get to their homework in a bit …” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) … Lose sum: Honorable mentions Demoncrats: Evil, Satan-worshiping opponents of true, Trump-worshiping Republicans. (Ward Foeller, Charlottesville, Va.) Deppleted: What Amber Heard’s bank account got. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Fadj: A “pilgrimage” to the latest hot destination. “Just everyone at our sorority is making the fadj to Cabo for spring break.” (Daniel Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.) Crashinals: D.C.’s baseball team ever since it won the pennant in 2019. (Frank Mann, Washington) Geeze: To behave like your granddad. “Sheesh, 40 years old and he’s already starting to geeze about the kids’ music.” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Hollerpeño: The absolutely hottest pepper on the Scoville scale. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.) Ivanked: Asked to do something you’re totally unqualified to do. “My boss totally ivanked me by making me represent the agency at the diplomatic symposium. What do I know, I’m in marketing.” (Maria Avillo, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender) Prepenting: Expressing regret over what you’re about to do anyway. “I know I’m going to get sick if I eat this whole Super Super Sundae. But you know, I can’t exactly take it home …” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) Ukrainium: A radioactive quagmire that’s located between Vladimir Putin’s ears. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Vladimort: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed. — D.J.T. (Jesse Frankovich) Arkansaps: People who thought overturning Roe would lead red states to provide generous support for mothers. See also: Floridupe, Montanaive and Duhkota. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Beetbarf: Borscht. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.) Boeberth: A measure of distance from a MAGA politician. “For your safety I’d recommend you stand at least 50 boeberths from Marjorie Taylor Greene.” (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) Buoytoy: An oligarch’s yacht. (Beverley Sharp) Chocolit: What your kids get after eating half of their Halloween candy at one go. (Jonathan Jensen) Coatex: Maybe not the best brand name for a new house paint. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Cusstoady: Where’s Michael Cohen these days? (Mark Raffman) Fauxn: A handy fake handheld that you have to “answer” when you’re stuck in a boring conversation. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) Gaysayer: Someone Ron DeSantis does not want to hear from. (Duncan Stevens) Gochya: Russian-English for checkmate. (Sudhir Vasudeva, McLean, Va., a First Offender) Graycists: People of a certain age who miss the old days when “everyone knew their place.” (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.) Gundamental: Apparently, the only type of right the Supreme Court believes in protecting absolutely. (Dave Airozo) Hurlhood: Your fraternity years. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Impursonate: “She says it’s genuine, but I’m pretty sure it’s an impursonation. For one thing, the tag says ‘Louie Veton.’ ” (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.) Liarbility: The penalty for blatant defamation. “That $45 million liarbility on Alex Jones couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.” (Brian Krupp, Lewes, Del.) Lowflutin: Using a jelly jar to drink champagne. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) Moptimist: Someone who’s convinced that one day someone besides me will clean up this #$$# kitchen! (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Mt. Neverest: A goal that’s highly unlikely to happen. “Now Uncle Ernie says he’s going to learn fluent Navajo — there he goes, climbing Mount Neverest again!” (Karen Lambert) Neighbrrr: The woman next door who answers your “good morning” with a withering stare. (Tom Witte) Oughtful: With good intentions, anyway. “I really should stop rolling my eyes every time my idiot boss opens his mouth,” Tom reflected oughtfully. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Oz-tent: A temporary “home” in the state where you plan to run for office. (Mark Raffman) Pilluminati: A shadowy group said to control big pharma. “The pilluminati made sure Medicare could negotiate prices for just 10 drugs, starting in 2026.” (Chris Doyle) Plodometer: My Fitbit, usually. (Karen Lambert) Pogroomers: Adults who manipulate teenage boys into growing up to be Proud ones. (Kevin Dopart) Prepudiate: To reject before learning much relevant information. “She set her OkCupid to prepudiate anyone from West Virginia.” (Karen Lambert) Rustorationists: People who “age” furniture to sell as antiques. (Jeff Contompasis) Scotify: Struggling platform for all-bagpipe music. (Chris Doyle) Starspangler: Singer with an unfortunate tendency to do vocal gymnastics during the free-and-the-brave bit. (Steve Bremner, Philadelphia) Unsnydered: Not yet ruined. “Even as the tow truck hauled away the mangled heap of his once-beloved Camaro, Chad was already plotting how he could get his dad to buy him a new, unsnydered one.” — All Commanders fans, everywhere (Jerome Uher, Alexandria, Va.) And Last: Empressario: The manager of a company of clowns. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) And Even Laster: Inksplain: “In case you don’t understand the humor of my entry, it’s a wordplay combining the Latin root …” (Karen Lambert) Still running — deadline also Monday, Sept. 12: Our contest for songs about food (either parodies or originals). See wapo.st/invite1503. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. The 100 letters for validating your Week 1504 anagram When validating your anagram at the Anagram Checker website, copy the following block of letters and paste it into the “source text” field — be sure to replace the question marks with the letters you’re using for the two blank tiles. Then copy in your anagram and click on “check anagrams.” AAAAAAAAAB BCCDDDDEEE EEEEEEEEEF FGGGHHIIII IIIIIJKLLL LMMNNNNNNO OOOOOOOPPQ RRRRRRSSSS TTTTTTUUUU VVWWXYYZ?? ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1505: Munici-pals Pair 2 or more names of ‘sister cities’ for a ‘joint venture.’ Plus winning ways (not) to be helpful. Image without a caption By Pat Myers September 8, 2022 at 9:57 a.m. EDT (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) Comment 0 Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winning "helpful" ideas The Keokuk (Iowa)-Chappaqua (N.Y.) Conference on Jazz Drumming Sounds (Phil Frankenfeld) The Marietta -Liddell-Lamm Children’s Library (Brendan Beary) (Ga., N.C., N.C.) The Pray-Novice-Pilot-Cando-Landing Air Phobia Support Group (Russell Beland) (Mont., Tex., Va., N.D., N.J.) Here’s a contest the Empress ran when she was a wee little thing, just weeks into her Empressitude, and had never run again despite a deluge of entries. You know how two towns sometimes have a cultural or economic relationship as “sister cities”? Choose any two or more real U.S. or Canadian towns — they need to show up on a Google search — and come up with a joint endeavor they would undertake, as in the examples above from Week 546 in 2004. It’s conceived as a wordplay contest on their names, but the E wouldn’t rule out an idea based on the qualities of the actual places. Write the state/province names at the end of your entry so your joke is easier to read. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1505 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 19; results appear Oct. 9 in print, Oct. 6 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a truly fabulous large-format (and out-of-print) album of “Literary Paper Dolls,” which let you cut out and dress everyone from Shakespeare to Dickinson to Capote with appropriate accessories. For Kafka, there’s a full-size bug with little tabs! Donated by Pie Snelson. The fun also rises: A page of “Literary Paper Dolls.” (Kyle Hilton ) Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Loser-Friendly” is by Duncan Stevens; Duncan also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s at wapo.st/conv1505. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Loser-friendly: ‘Helpful’ hints from Week 1501 In Week 1501, the Empress asked for “helpful” acts that are anything but. Several people noted how they thoughtfully straddle two parking spaces so they won’t ding nearby cars when they throw open their doors. 4th place: For their birthdays, I give my grandchildren underwear I’d saved from when I was their age, so they can treasure the link between our generations. (Paul Brown, Silver Spring, Md.) 3rd place: When I have a full cart at the supermarket, I go to the express lane and break it up into multiple purchases of 12 items so people will see I’m not cheating. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) 2nd place and the “(Butt) Head of the Household” men’s socks: Nobody likes being told in public that their zipper’s down, so I just walk up and discreetly zip it back up for them. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: When I see tourist couples trying to take selfies, I always offer to take the photo for them because I have really long arms and they probably enjoy having a local in the picture. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) Ech support: Honorable mentions With so many of my neighbors working from home these days, I make sure not to disturb their Zoom calls: I do all my lawn mowing and leaf blowing before 7 a.m. (David MacGregor, Arlington, Va.) Around Valentine’s Day, I make sketches of random people on the subway so they can give them as gifts to their special someone. And I depict them as I imagine they would appear naked. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) As a police officer, I recognize that we’re all too often seen as the “bad guys.” That’s why I make a point of pulling drivers over on the road just to introduce myself. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) Knowing how difficult the months ahead can be, I like to discreetly take a picture of the deceased at funeral viewings, then use it later to make a personalized Christmas card for the widow or widower. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) At home, I always leave the toilet seat up so my wife can see at a glance whether she needs to clean it. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio) When I see a woman trying to decide between two items at the grocery store, I pick one and throw it in her cart. — S. Alito (Ben Aronin, Washington) Believe me, I know how unfair it is to pay taxes, so I make sure my employees at Mar-a-Lago stay in a low bracket. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.) Every time I take a sip from the Communion chalice, I always spit it back in to make sure there’s enough for the next person. (Mark Wakefield, Frederick, Md., a First Offender) “P-O-T-A-T-O … Add one little bit on the end … You’re right phonetically, but what else …? There ya’ go … all right!” — Vice President Quayle visiting an elementary school, 1992 (Roxi Slemp, Bariloche, Argentina) When I play golf, I scream “FORE!” at the top of my lungs every time I swing, just to be on the safe side. You never know where that putt might go. (Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md.) I always keep candy in the car in case I want to offer a ride to some poor kid walking home alone. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.) I think that, like me, most people do these little acts of kindness. So they’ll know their efforts are appreciated, I leave little anonymous notes where strangers will find them, saying, “I know what you did.” (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee, Fla.) When the flight attendant passes my row, I always smile, point at my lap and poke my pelvis up so she can see my seat belt is fastened. (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.) When I’m first in line at a stoplight, I always pause a few seconds when the light turns green to give everyone behind me the chance to get off their phones. (Robert Welch, Atlanta) My roommate is kind of a neat freak, so I make sure to keep all my toenail clippings on my side of the dorm room. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) When I learned that my son’s English class had been assigned to read “Moby-Dick,” I gave my son the comic book version so he’d have more time for football practice. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.) Sailing to Europe at last to bring those guys the goods they want! I figure we’ll be back in the Crimea by 1347. Glad I have my pet rat Bubo to keep me company — wish he didn’t have fleas, though. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) When I get a 2-for-1 coupon for a good restaurant near my job, I always invite a co-worker to come with me so we can both enjoy some friendly conversation while I eat my free lunch. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) As a proctologist, I try to keep my patients relaxed by putting smiley faces on the fingertips of my exam gloves. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) When I see someone parked in a handicap spot without the sticker, I help them stay out of trouble by spray-painting a little wheelchair on their windshield. (Mark Raffman) When I’m alone in an elevator with another person, I subtly signal that I’m not a threat by intoning nursery rhymes under my breath. (Coleman Glenn) At classical concerts, I always applaud and cheer after each movement of a symphony to give the players that emotional boost for the rest of the piece. (Steve Honley, Washington) When I walk in the state park, I often see trees defaced with brightly painted rectangles. Now I always bring brown spray paint with me to cover up the ugliness. (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.) A friend of mine has put on a few pounds, but I wanted to let her know that I didn’t think any less of her for it. I even sent her a list and photos of successful fat people. (Neal Starkman, Seattle) During my barista shifts in the winter, I keep completed orders warm in my armpits while customers make their way to the counter. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.) You know how they say, “You know your child best”? That’s why I help out my daughter’s soccer coach by pointing out the best times to put her into the game. (Fred Shuback, Silver Spring, Md.) I know how irritating it is to have a long wait during a short lunch break. That’s why I always wave to my friends to join me in my place in the food truck line. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.) To encourage my young children to give back to the community, I have them bring their violins to restaurants so the other customers can listen to music while they dine. (Hildy Zampella, Vienna, Va.) To reduce motel maids’ duties, I never remove the “Sanitized for Your Protection” toilet band during my entire stay. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) When there’s a bicyclist in front of me, I sound my horn every five seconds so they know I’m carefully watching them. (Frank Mann, Washington) And Last: When submitting a Style Invitational entry I insert lots of laughter emoji to help the Empress realize it’s funny! 😆😅😂🤣 (Christy Tosatto, a full-time RV nomad submitting from near Cheticamp, Nova Scotia) And Even Laster: I KNOW THAT THE EMPRESS IS GETTING PRETTY OLD BY NOW, SO I HELP HER OUT BY SUBMITTING MY ENTRIES IN ALL CAPS. (Rob Cohen) Two contests still running — deadline for both is Monday night, Sept. 12: For Week 1503, write a song about food (growing, cooking, eating, anything) to a well-known tune or your own. And for Week 1504, write something that uses all 100 Scrabble tiles. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1506: Let’s go magnet fishing with new words Write a short poem with one of these terms recently added to the dictionary. Plus winning ‘hi’-word limericks. Image without a caption By Pat Myers September 15, 2022 at 9:53 a.m. EDT (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post) Comment 0 Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winning limericks. The meal that chefs call omakase (A go-to of the sushi posse) The raw-fish lover's trendy favorite Alas, when done they have to pay for it. Yeet! The folks at Merriam-Webster are back with a look at some of the 370 new terms and meanings they’ve recently added to their dictionary — and even donated a prize celebrating one of them. So let’s do what we did with the last batch about a year ago: This week: From the list below, write a humorous poem of eight lines or fewer featuring one or more of these terms, as in the creatively (but validly) rhyming example above by Style Invitational fan Gene Weingarten, a longtime connoisseur of the subtleties of Japanese food who indeed has ordered omakase, a chef’s-choice menu. Look up the words at M-W.com or click on the links below. (And no, magnet fishing does not mean entering The Style Invitational.) Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1506 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Tuesday night, Sept. 27 (that’s for you, Rosh Hashanah people); results appear Oct. 16 in print, Oct. 13 online. adorkable birria cootie catcher dawn chorus deep cut dumbphone FWIW greenwash hairy eyeball hoglet ICYMI janky kratom LARP level up lewk MacGyver magnet fishing meatspace mood board omakase pumpkin spice pwn shrinkflation side hustle sponcon stromboli supervillain supply chain sus Tater Tots yeet Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a mug imprinted with the Merriam-Webster logo and its definition of “pumpkin spice.” (The Empress, who will drink virtually any coffee that keeps her awake, including that filtered through old socks, had to spit out a pumpkin spice brew. But that’s your call.) The MUG won't pollute your coffee: This week's second prize. (M-W) Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “ ’Hi’-way Ribbery” is by Jeff Contompasis; Kevin Dopart and Tom Witte both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published late Thursday, Sept. 15, at wapo.st/conv1506. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... ‘Hi’-way ribbery: Winning limericks from Week 1502 Week 1502 was our annual Limerixicon, a salute to the never-ending limerick dictionary project at OEDILF.com. This year we’ve inched up to the “hi-” words. 4th place: Two newlywed Goths want to choose A token of love they won’t lose. She likes funerals, he Adores snakes; they agree To get hiss-and-hearse matching tattoos. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.) 3rd place: One day Lassie, while filming, was laggin’; Wouldn’t move — so they had to start draggin’. The director said, “Sheesh, Let’s attach a long leash, Then we’ll go hitch our star to a wagon.” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.) 2nd place and the book “Museum of Bad Art: Masterpieces”: I like rap, so I play it nonstop, Which annoys both my mom and my pop. “That ain’t music,” they say, “Like the hits in our day, Long before your dang hippety-hop.” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: Our home is historic, you’ll see. Mr. Rochester shares it with me. We have bedrooms to rent From September to Lent — Log on now to JaneEyreBnB! (Stephen Gold, London) Junior HI-: Honorable mentions Said a hidebound exec, “When I’m hiring I pick bottoms and legs worth admiring.” It got back to HR, Which reached out: “Au revoir! For it’s clear, sir, you’ll soon be retiring.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Mr. Dumpty is sadly now gone, His remains scattered out on the lawn, He climbed far, far too high On that wall — why, oh why? It seems that his friends egged him on. (Kevin Ahern, Corvallis, Ore.) A British guitarist named Stan Was playing a concert in Cannes, When an audience member Threw rocks and an ember … And that’s when the Brit hit the fan. … (Madeleine Begun Kane, Bayside, N.Y.) My kitchen’s been gaily restyled: Neon yellow and pink have run wild! To what do I owe This mysterious glow? Just two highlighters snagged by my child. (Christy Tosatto, a full-time RV nomad submitting from near St. John's, Newfoundland) Have a problem to solve that’s got heft? Is it making you feel less than deft? Never fear! Keep your cool! Thanks to vigilance, you’ll Sometimes find there’s a bit of help left. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) At my campsite I’m startled to see A black and white beast by my knee. Though the tail that arises Is his, the surprise is: The high-tailing party is me. (Coleman Glenn) A man came to Hippocrates; quoth The man: “Look, on my elbow’s a growth, And it hurts — makes me yelp.” Doc said, “Wish I could help, Sir, but ‘First, do no arm’ was my oath!” (Karen Lambert) Hippocrates tried something new When his days as a doctor were through: He began cutting hair At a beauty school, where He taught stylists to first harm no ’do. (Chris Doyle) About Hillary he was frenetic. “Lock her up!” got the crowds energetic. So the boxes they found In his club will be bound To make justice seem extra poetic. (Michael Stein, Arlington) He spoke of a hip joint he knew; She seemed to be interested, too. “Ooh, that place down the street Where the in-people meet?” Then he pulled out his X-rays to view. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) He took documents with him, unbidden, In a Florida safe, kept them hidden. Now his fans, near and distant, Just to keep it consistent, All proclaim, “Lock him up!” (Nah, just kiddin’.) (Mark Raffman) Trump’s take on the docs he had hidden: “That’s BS! Who said it’s forbidden? They’re mine, free and clear! Plus, they weren’t even here — You guys planted them! Whaddaya, kiddin’?” (Sharon Neeman, Pardes Hanna, Israel) Hickory dickory dock, Dumb mouse must have gotten a shock When the sound of a chime Put an end to his climb. What a weenie, cold-cocked by a clock! (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.) The internist loved the old clock, But his words left the seller in shock: “Even though the wood’s nice, I will not pay full price: I’m a dickery hickory doc.” (Jeff Loren, Seattle) A gentleman wearing Versace Ate with gusto and got it all splotchy. In a hurry, he tried Using water and dried It most foolishly — with a hibachi. (Stephen Gilberg, Silver Spring, Md.) “I’ve a bad case of hiccups,”said Beth, “That won’t end and it scares me to death. Hope I’ll soon find a cure, But I’m not really sure That I will – I'm not holding my breath.” (Kirk Miller, Richardson, Tex.) Joe Manchin is no country hick But he’s made many city folks sick With his waffles and whines And his coddling of mines: He’s changed horses while deep in the crick. (David Johnston, Elkridge, Md., who last got Invite ink in 1998) To be covered in sweat is hidrotic, And in college, I’d get so neurotic: Each exam was a stressor— Once a physics professor Said, “Relax, you look semi-aquatic!” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) As a fielder ran under a fly ball, Its position he couldn’t quite eyeball. When it cost him the game He got drunk out of shame. So that’s twice he got whipped by a highball. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) On the highway, my teen sped ahead. “That car’s wrong and I’m right!” So I said, “If there’s danger afield, And you choose not to yield, You’ll be right but you'll also be dead.” (Karen Lambert) Putin's behaving like Hitler, Wants to carve up Ukraine like a whittler. He's a new Russian czar With chutzpah bizarre (Compensating for parts that are littler?) (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.) “Hip, hooray!” sounds so boring, so blah – As congrats, it lacks je ne sais quoi. Also, more to the point, Why not some other joint? “Elbows mazel tov!” “Knuckle huzzah!” (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee) My medical history’s done; Seems colitis and flatulence run In my family, docs say. No surprise there ’cause, hey, I keep hearing “Like farter, like son.” (Chris Doyle) Time to toast! I was glad to comply, So I lifted my glass to the sky. I finished my highball And checked out my eyeball... So where is that “mud in my eye”? (Beverley Sharp) I flunked history, couldn’t defeat it (And didn’t do much to complete it). I should have been wiser; So says my adviser, Who tells me I’m doomed to repeat it. (Coleman Glenn) This is sure to delight boyfriend Tommy: ’Neath the couch I’m concealing pastrami, And there’s more meat that’s stowed Just behind the commode! Well, he said, “Let’s play hide-the-salami.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) A hive is a home for a bee A bird makes its nest in a tree A hole is a house For a mole or a mouse And a Palm Beach resort with lots of rooms for top-secret documents is a house for me— because I don’t have to obey any laws, including the laws of limericks. (Joan Welsh, Arlington, Va., a First Offender -- after the poem by Mary Ann Hoberman) Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 19: Combine the names of any two U.S. and/or Canadian cities in a “joint venture.” See wapo.st/invite1505. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== Style Invitational Week 1507: All over the map! Plus top food songs. Make a state slogan with the first letters of nearby states. And another round of inking parodies and videos. Image without a caption By Pat Myers September 22, 2022 at 9:41 a.m. EDT Comment 1 Add to your saved stories Save Gift Article Share Click here to skip down to the winning song parodies and videos about food MINNESOTA: We Must Insist On Politeness! (Wisconsin, Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania) IDAHO: We Now Make KETO-Organic Potatoes! (Wyo., Neb., Mo., Ky., Ohio, Pa.) CALIFORNIA: A Noxious, Overbearing World Infested With Narcissists (Ariz., Nev., Ore., Wash., Idaho, Wyo., Neb.) The idea for this contest, Bob Staake told the Empress, came to him, fully formed, in a dream. Which makes it even more abundantly clear, far beyond his cartoons, that Bob is in his own Bobworld. It’s a little complicated to explain, but we think it’ll be fun to do. Bear with us here. This week: Choose one of the contiguous 48 U.S. states or D.C. Then write a funny slogan for that state by “traveling a route” from that state into several others. Use the first letters of the states in your route as the first letters of the words in your slogan, as in Bob’s examples above. (You may either use or skip the state you’re writing about.) The route has to be an unbroken line, but it can twist and turn in every direction, and can cross the same state more than once. You may add “a,” “an,” “the,” “and” and “or” anywhere in your slogan even if it doesn’t refer to the state you’re going through. Added Sept. 23 in response to questions: If the state name consists of two words (or three, for District of Columbia), you may use either the first letters of both words or just the first letter. So for South Dakota, you could use either an S-word followed by a D-word, or just an S-word. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1507 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 3; results appear Oct. 23 in print, Oct. 20 online. Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine whoopee cushion, that venerable, ever-so-droll idiocy aid that emits a “braaap!” fart noise when it’s sat on. Nanoseconds of hilarity ensue! Donated by Dave Prevar. Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Kitchen Sing” is by Chris Doyle; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published late Thursday, Sept. 22, at wapo.st/conv1507. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ... Kitchen sing: Food-themed parodies from Week 1503 In Week 1503 we asked for songs about food — growing it, buying it, cooking it, eating it. And wouldn’t you know, the Loser Community had to add digesting it — and egesting it — as subjects among the hundreds of songs entered, both in text and video. If you’re not familiar with a particular tune being parodied, click on the link in the title to hear the original — and sing along. Honorable mention: our favorite video this week: Chinese Buffet (To “YMCA”): By Marty, Sam and Nora Gold (a First Offender); featuring Marty, kids Ari and Nora, and pooch Pumpernickel Gold (watch the end), Arlington, Va. (If you’re not seeing the video above, click here.) 4th place: To “Downtown” What brings me joy when life is really annoying? I can always throw Ketchup! All of my crudeness just brings out my dudeness when I make it flow. Ketchup! There’s nothing else that I can do that’s quite as satisfying As flinging out my arm and making condiments go flying. Such a big thrill! I like to throw different kinds. Get me a jar of Del Monte, a bottle of Heinz. I throw ketchup when I am feeling cross! Ketchup! This is my favorite sauce. Ketchup! Makes me feel like a boss now. (Barbara Sarshik, Vienna, Va.) 3rd place: To “Yesterday” Yesterday, how I pigged out at the free buffet Now the nausea won’t go away I should have dined home yesterday. Sirloin steak, then the double-chocolate layer cake Topped with ice cream, was a big mistake Will I survive this stomachache? And the apple pie, my oh my, it was delish! But now I could die, don’t know why — maybe the knish? Saturday, hope my diarrhea goes away There’s a wedding up in Rockaway I hear they have a great buffet. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) 2nd place and the souvenir bags of chocolate ‘poop’: “Eye of the Tiger” Fifty-plus, hardly petite, Out of sorts, constipated. Now I know I have to watch what I eat, For a chance just to reach sixty-five. So I’ll add, at every repast, Something raw and organic, And I pray the Lord will let it work fast, ’Cause I need that relief to arrive … It’s a high-fiber diet that will loosen what’s tight, Clear me out! (Else I fear for my survival). Unmilled bran? Yeah, I’ll try it! And I’ll savor each bite, ‘Cause I’m changing my life with a high-fiber diet! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) And the winner of the Clowning Achievement: “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” Pumpkin-flavored spice in your espresso, Nutmeg, ginger, cloves there, in your mug. “Just what you were wanting!” Um, I guess so; Not the kind of blend I’ve really dug. Do you maybe find it disconcerting? Autumn means your loins you’d best be girding: Pumpkin-flavored spice in Belgian waffle, Pumpkin-flavored spice potato chips, Pumpkin-flavored burgers — that’s just awful! Pumpkin-flavored Spam? Not on my lips! You know, I think I’m now prepared for winter; Six feet deep I’d like this blend to inter. That too-pervasive spice! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Cordon Blah: Honorable mentions “If I Only Had a Brain” (“sung” by Count Dracula) I could while away an hour And happily devour A magnum of champagne; Better yet (and delicious!) Would be blood (it’s quite nutritious!), If I only had a vein. I would love to taste your plasma; (Might even help my asthma!); I know it sounds insane; Have a heart! Did I mention That my thirst I could be quenchin’, If I only had a vein. Oh, I can’t tell you why It’s blood that I adore; After biting, when my collar’s stained with gore, I spray with Shout! (That’s what it’s for!) Though my pointy teeth may pain ya, We’ll fly to Transylvania — I’m sure they have a plane; We’d be sitting by the campfire — You would get to be a vampire, If I only had a vein! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Portions of a Pie (To “Corner of the Sky” from “Pippin”): By Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla., a First Offender (If you’re not seeing the video above, click here.) 24-Carrot Magic To “24K Magic” by Bruno Mars Crunch, crunch, it’s orange / Tasty / Plus it’s good for you You haven’t heard? / You didn’t know? / That Bugs Bunny recommends it, too? I’m cutting pieces for / A hot stew or / Perhaps a British mincemeat pie Don’t look too hard, but you won’t need to / They say carrots help you see at night Oh, snap! I’m a real healthy man when a carrot’s what I’m eating (eat up) No more Milky Ways for me next month when I’m out trick-or-treating (eat up) It’s my new favorite food, “What’s up, doc?” is my new greeting (eat up) Vegans only! Throw the celery out of the room! Chefs! Toss those turnips, too! 24-carrot magic in the air… (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) To “My Sharona” Open up the package and grease a pan, Brownin’ up the pasta in Rice-a-Roni! Add the spices from the foil, water boil, Whippin’ up a batch of that Rice-a-Roni! San Francisco treat, can’t be beat, Such a starchy side, it goes with any meat, To complete all your meals with pride … Aye-aye-aye-aye ….. Wooo! Rice-a-Roni! (Mark Raffman) My Nutella (To “Bus Stop” by the Hollies): By Sandy Riccardi, Asheville, N.C. (If you’re not seeing the video above, click here.) Two to “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” Because we were afraid to eat a fish that sounded bad, PR types gave its name a tweak — which soon became a fad. Now toothfish, slimehead, yelloweye and witch are swallowed whole As “sea bass,” “roughy,” “snapper” and of course the “Torbay sole.” Yes super-clever marketers can make things seem less crummy — Still, there is a limit to the stuff that we’ll find yummy. Listen, spin docs: Quit rebranding pols who’ve acted scummy! They’re the kind of bottom-feeders who upset the tummy. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) Super-smart refrigerator, what an innovation! Tells you how much food you have and dates of expiration If it can do one more thing, it gets my admiration: Super fridge if you’re so smart, please cook — I’m on vacation! (Hildy Zampella, Vienna, Va.) The Hovering Waiter To “Moon River” Big menu, 20 pages long. My love and I’ll be strong and say: “Oh, waiter, come back later We need time to think, so just please go away.” Two diners out to get a meal, a meal that’s eaten leisurely We’re after some food that tastes good And we think we could, If the waiter would Spare my love and me. They wait till you begin to chew, Then they come up to you and ask How things things are tasting But they’re wasting Their time ’cause we’re not there to give a review. Meal’s over, here he comes again Only time will tell us when he’ll ask, “Are you still working on that?” We’ll just tell him, “Scat” We’ll stay just where we’re at Right here where we got sat That’s my love and me. (Rick Bromberg, Fairfax, Va.) It’s Not Easy Eating Beans (To “It’s Not Easy Being Green”): By Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore (If you’re not seeing the video above, click here) To “My Favorite Things” Passion fruit smoothie with Brussels sprout topper, Food that can never taste good as a Whopper, Bean sprouts and quinoa, we’re so out of touch; These are the things that we don’t like so much. Cucumber-melon does not go together; We need more substance to get through this weather. Shiitake tacos taste just like they sound, I guess we’re forever resigned to be round. When my spouse cooks with no cookbook, We’ll be eating in, We simply keep eating our favorite things, So maybe we’re not . . . so thin. (Nancy McWhorter, Isle of Palms, S.C.) This S’more That I’m Eating (To “More Than a Feeling”) : By Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md., with daughter Ziva (If you’re not seeing the video above, click here) To “Desperado” Guacamole, you appeal to my senses, I’ve got no defenses against you at all; You’re so tasty and so perfectly seasoned it's like I’m unreasoned when I hear you call. Oh they’re shipped from the Southern Hemisphere By boats, planes, trains and trucks to here ’Cause we want avocados for our own. And though the cost is mostly freight We just don’t care that half the weight is stone. Guacamole, you ain’t getting’ no fresher, And I know that there’s pressure to change as you please -- ah, but changes, oh changes, that's New York foodies jivin' -- And you'll be survivin' these new recipes. Don't you go bad fast in the summertime Your green turns brown from a lack of lime And it’s hard to miss that slight hint of decay. It won't be long that you’ll postpone the time that you find you'll be thrown away. Guacamole, I think we’ve come to our senses; Those sweet pea pretenses just don't taste as great. And I am aiming with a chip poised above you I'm gonna show you that I love you … before it’s too late. (Marcus Bales, Elyria, Ohio) Vegans (To “Feelings”) : By Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va. (If you’re not seeing the video above, click here) We’re Eating Our Mistakes: Song of the Covid Incarcerees To “I've Got a Little List” As every day it happens that our three meals must be cooked One boils and broils and bakes, one boils and broils and bakes But when cooking skills were given out, we both were overlooked So we’re eating our mistakes, we’re eating our mistakes— Our meatballs and spaghetti wound up sticking to the pot You’re s’posed to stir it now and then, but both of us forgot The cookies burned and now they look like sooty little coals And what went in as pita bread came out as dinner rolls We overmixed some batter, so it’s bricks instead of cakes We’re eating our mistakes, we’re eating our mistakes. Chorus: One boils and broils and bakes, one boils and broils and bakes And we’re eating our mistakes, we’re eating our mistakes. It’s bread dough needs the handling, not pie crust—well, who knew? We’ve strata now, not flakes, we’ve strata now, not flakes And I’m amazed—it seems that one can overcook a stew We’re eating our mistakes, we’re eating our mistakes— Our sourdough has never worked, it doesn’t rise, it sinks The kimchi we fermented went and rotted, now it stinks The fritters fizzled in the oil, dessert’s a soggy mess And I forget what’s on that plate—I couldn’t even guess And looking in that pot of soup’s like looking down a jakes We’re eating our mistakes, we’re eating our mistakes. (Chorus) The flour’s almost gone now, but no matter—there’s no yeast Who cares, for goodness’ sakes? Who cares, for goodness’ sakes? We’ve made another liquor run, we don’t care in the least We’re eating our mistakes, we’re eating our mistakes— If ever we emerge into the sunshine from this plague I’m going to take a #$%ing bath in #$%ing Haig and Haig Then visit every rest’rant in the city with the miz Like Whatshisname’s and You-Know-Who’s—I hope they’re still in biz But it really doesn’t matter, ’cause till then, my stomach aches From eating our mistakes, from eating our mistakes. (Shelley Posen, Ottawa, a First Offender) Still running — deadline Tuesday night, Sept. 27: Our contest to use any of 32 new dictionary words in a short, funny poem. See wapo.st/invite1506. DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns. ====================================================================== ====================================================================== NO WEEK NUMBER; published September 5, 1999 SAVE THE STYLE INVITATIONAL! Do you believe in The Style Invitational? Do you want it to come back? Do you want it to come back NEXT WEEK??? If you clap real hard, maybe it will. Are you clapping? Obviously, you're not clapping hard enough. That's better! You're doing great! Now hop into the front yard with your pants down around your ankles, flapping your elbows like a chicken. For all the good it will do you. Face it, Sunday Style's humor contest remains on a six-month vacation, and there isn't anything you can do about it. But we're still accepting entries for the Style Invitational Cartoonz contest, in which we are trying to create the world's first reader-written comic strip. Your challenge is to write a three- or four-panel script for one of three strips: Diogenes Gump, about a man who wanders Washington and introduces himself to people. Anyone who shakes his hand is compelled to tell the truth for 24 hours. Or: Bryan Winter, Scumball, the story of an insensitive cad in Washington. Or: The Dead Presidents Society, in which ghosts of ex-presidents wander the nation's capital, interacting with people and commenting on public events. Why should you do this? Ask yourself this: Why did the early explorers come to America? To seek glory, riches, religious freedom, and raw materials such as "sorghum." We hereby promise that every winner of the Cartoon Contest, in addition to receiving fame and valuable prizes and religious freedom, will also get a cup of sorghum. Send your comic scripts* to Cartoonz, c/o The Style Invitational The Washington Post 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071 or fax them to 202-334-4312 or e-mail them to losers@washpost.com. Deadline for entries is Nov. 15. *No need to draw anything. You come up with the scripts, we draw it. ====================================================================== NO WEEK NUMBER; published November 14, 1999 Style In Seven Days, the Following Tragic Events Will Occur 14 November 1999 The Washington Post * Some talking head on television will mispronounce the word "negotiations," calling them "negoseeations." * Thousands of people will appear in public wearing sandals with socks. * You will no longer be able to submit entries for the special super Style Invitational contest to create a new cartoon in The Washington Post. Listen, we have extended the original deadline a week. We have our reasons. They are not pretty. But come Nov. 22, we close our doors, and our hearts, to you. The contest is to submit three- or four-panel story lines, with dialogue, as an episode for any of three new comic strips, which are explained below. Diogenes Gump: This berobed figure wanders the streets of Washington. Everyone he shakes hands with must tell the truth for 24 hours. Bryan Winter, Scumball: He's single, handsome and a complete cad. The Dead Presidents Society: The ghosts of former presidents haunt the nation's capital, observing and interacting with the citizenry. No need to draw the cartoons. Just write the dialogue. Send your submissions by mail to CARTOONZ, C/O The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Or fax them to 202-33-44312. Or e-mail them to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Nov. 22. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.